5 Avengers We Thank God Aren't in the New Movie

We finally had a chance to sit down and watch the trailer for Avengers. Much like Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged, we're impressed that somebody actually filmed this movie. Just the fact that Joss Whedon managed to gather together the male leads of some of the biggest action blockbusters of the last several years into a superteam is an accomplishment.

For the most part we're pretty excited about the selection of heroes that made the roster for the film. You can't have the Avengers without Captain America or Iron Man, Hulk's always fun, and Chris Hemsworth as Thor made for one of our favorite Marvel movies of all time. We're sort of "meh" on Hawkeye and Black Widow, and would have preferred Henry Pym or perhaps Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch, but one thing we're very excited about is that none of the following Avengers from the group's long history made it into the film.


Of the four Whizzers, we're talking about the Golden Age one, Robert Frank, who was made an honorary Avenger after serving with the team briefly in the '70s. He holds the distinction of being both the most and least ridiculous speedster we know of. First of all, his top speed is around 100 mph, which we imagine is roughly the speed you can reach before things like bugs and friction from the air cease being annoying and start being very unfortunate physics lessons. This is the kind of thing that makes the Flash annoyingly unrealistic even for a comic book, and if anyone starts going on about the "speed force," we will turn this article around and go right back home.

So some sensibility about his superpower is the upside. The downside is a costume that you'll never convince us was not the inspiration for Pikachu, a name that makes us think he has to tinkle, and his goofy origin story. He became the Whizzer after being bitten by a cobra and having mongoose blood injected into his bloodstream as a cure. This wasn't an insane, redneck thing he did to himself because he was an idiot either. His father did it, and he was a medical doctor. Reports that Dr. Frank went on to work for Aperture Science injecting preying mantis DNA into test subjects have not yet been substantiated.

Big Bertha

She won't be the last of the Great Lakes Avengers to be mocked since Frances McDormand's character from Fargo could probably take on any random two members of that esteemed group of champions and win. Ashley Crawford is a mutant who has the ability to shift from being the best fashion model in Milwaukee into an obese woman. This makes her superstrong... just like in real life, and also bulletproof... again, just like in real life. So remember, kids, eat nine Big Macs a day and you'll be able to take machine gun fire at point blank range while hoisting a car over your head.*

We don't really know what is up with comic writers and trying to turn fat into a superpower. It's not like they're trying to live vicariously or anything. We've met dozens of comic writers and most of them were in better shape than we are. Marvel did use her to make a pretty awesome point about judging people by appearance, though. She went on a date with Deadpool, who was annoyed because she showed up in supermodel form instead of Big Bertha. She lectured him about being only valued for your looks, prompting him to remove his mask and show off the hideous scars that make up most of his face. She vomited.

*Please, for the love of God don't try this.


D-Man is a b-level superhero whose life could be the subject of Decline of Western Civilization III: the Superhero Years. Dennis Dunphy basically turned into Mr. Incredible through a highly addictive drug, and used his powers to compete in a superhuman wrestling league. When he refused to throw a fight, his dealer cut him off and he became a homeless ex-junkie driven to severe mental instability by withdrawal.

Dunphy has worked with the Avengers many times, and was close with Captain America in particular, but the man is loaded down with more personal demons that the Amityville house. He tried to get a job as Luke Cage's nanny, but spent most of the interview crying and asking if Captain America ever talked about him. He lost the job to Squirrel Girl, but there's no shame in that. Everyone loses to Squirrel Girl. Even Galactus lost to Squirrel Girl.

Ironically, we think Darren Aronofsky could make a killer D-Man movie. If you've read any of the script he wrote when they were going to let him reboot Batman, you know that he already has the basic outline done.

Moon Knight

Moon Knight is what would happen if you combined Batman and Deadpool into one guy. We know, it sounds like a great idea. So does making a flying tank, or a sword with a gun in the handle, or taking off your top when someone points a camera at you for free drinks. Give it a few minutes of thought, though, and you'll realize that all of these are terrible ideas.

Marc Spector was a Jewish mercenary who ended up becoming the avatar of the Egyptian god Khonshu. Apparently the Egyptian Pantheon has begun making reparations for having Jewish babies thrown to the crocodiles by giving their descendants superpowers. In Spector's case it's super strength, endurance and reflexes that wax or wane with the phases of the moon. He also uses a bunch of high-tech weaponry based around a vaguely Egyptian theme.

So he's Batman in white, great for stalking the night unnoticed, and he spends most of his time not punching people arguing with the voices in his head, some of whom think killing is really neato. Spider-Man said it best: "Mooney. Rhymes with looney." The Avengers still keep him around, though.


Okay, hang with us for a bit because we're going to do a thought experiment. Ready? You are born with fantastic powers far beyond those of normal men. You can fly, you don't age, you can punch a hole through a brick wall without a speck of damage, not that that matters because you heal like the xenomorph from Alien. Oh, and you have another power... the ability to stimulate pleasure centers mentally leaving the recipient open to the suggestion of some nonconsensual sex. Yes, your power is rohypnol without all the pesky slipping it into a woman's drink.

Pop quiz, are you a bad guy or an Avenger?

That's right, Starfox is a member of Earth's mightiest defenders. He's currently wanted by New York City on date rape charges and is being pursued by a very pissed off She-Hulk because of this. When a lawyer with super strength wants to broker talks between her fists and your balls, then you must have done something to deserve it.

Not only that, it was revealed that Starfox used his sex power to trigger Thanos's infatuation with Death, a move that was directly responsible for the destruction of half of the known universe. What do you call a superhero whose creepy power precipitates a genocide that makes the Holocaust look like a playground fist fight? You call him a supervillain. You don't give him the keys to the Avengers Mansion and use of the hot tub.




