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HTML is a language for computers, such as this old Dragon 32 computer.

<html><br> <b>HTML</b>; <Hyper Text Markup Language (or HATEMAIL)(Or "How To Make Love">; <is of the preferred coding language among BASIC programmers and 13375P34K3|25>

<Originally invented by> <MacGyver> <in order> <escape="raging; screaming"> <programmers> <it was revived> <during the Hippie revolution> <for "all the radical colors it could make.">

“In Soviet Russia, source code writes YOU!”

“It can kick your ass when it comes to stylesheets and graphics!”


<Unfortunately mainstreaming HTML> <inadvertently> <allowed n00bies to code> <<marquee>"LOOK AT ME I AM SUCH A COMPUTER WIZZ KID - I CAN DO A MARQUEE! LOOK! LOOK!"</marquee>> <dominates>

<the damage was> <very sadly> <irreparable>



Origin as a Gaming Language[edit]

HTML encoder

Today <HTML>, correctly pronounced HurtEmAll, is said to officially stand for <Hyper Tedious Malfunctioning Language> but this is a backronym. After the hippie revolution the language was revived by marking executives who wanted to crush the revenge of the pink robos.

Eventually it was adapted by gamers as a simple, friendly, and fun way of creating fantastic adventures. As it expanded, other tasks such as general word-processing and the Internet came about as mods to pre-existing games.

The first HTML compiler, version 4.04 and based entirely from the BASIC method of compiling, was widely used for webpages for over 70 years until Internet Explorer introduced a different type of rendering engine which was not only incompatible with HTML 4.04, but also corrupted web pages and the web servers on which the pages were located, leaving the familiar "404 NOT FOUND" message. The following example of the outdated HTML 4.04 shows how efficient and extensible HTML 4.04 was:

      PopupWindow1 = new open.window {
      hsize = 200
      vsize = 500
      annoying = true
      title = "Click on the monkey for a free iPod!!"
      href = popup.html
      CrashIE6 = for (x in document.write) {document.write(x);}
    <DIM popup.html = true>

      TITLE = "Free iPods!!"
      DEFINE F12 = IPOD

      PRINT "Click on the monkey for a free iPod!!"//hahaha

But for many hackers, the gaming power behind HTML is still the best reason to love it. The principle is simple; anything written in <square braces> is a command that makes the computer do things, and anything that appears on the screen is a command the computer instructs to you (meaning many hackers are simply cheaters). Taking a look at the real language, one can deduce the relative easy and simplicity:

You are standing at a crosssrods<spellchekc>
<enemy class="grue" hp=10 ac=6 int=5 dex=17>
   <path id=1>You are eaten by a grue.</player>
   <path id=2>You realise Abe Lincoln was killed in 1865 <goto disappointment>
   <path id=3><stub>
<treasure location="hidden">
   <weapon class="BFG9000" energy=0>
   <potion id=rand(23798)>
   <guard class="grue" desc="Anothergrue=LOL">

All the games in Uncyclopedia, including Zork, Game Online and vandalizing the Romania article, are written in a special easy-to-use dialect of HTML suitable for learners to pick up quickly.

A word of warning however, because of the proliferation of HTML applications, slight compatibility problems may arise. The above code, for example, will not work precisely the same on Billy Bass Singing Fish, an iPod. or a alien space craft, and in either case may cause harm to anyone in the general area. Some users also claim to find it 'temperamental', since even tiny errors in coding can be magnifed by browser/hardware bugs and damage, or on rare occasions destroy, the internet in general. Other reported complications include but are expressly not limited to: coughs, sneezes, bad back, runny nose, red blotches, whooping cough, heart attacks, nervous disorders, suicide, haemorrhage, the hives, the Mongolian horse-tender's palsy, the Incredible Laughing Dog Disease, shortness of breath, goitres, sickle cell anaemia, the Plague, dullness of the eyes, splitting of the hair, lycanthropy, stupidity, housemaid's knee, compiler's ague, and the giggles.

Common Uses[edit]

An html masterpiece

Today's more common uses of HTML involve more in making shoddy homepages (see Blogs) than actual games, as was intended. These pages often lack any sorts of uniform design, any useful content, and resemble a premature blog in most cases. Many pages include text of the creators joy for HTML and their development towards, possibly greater things. However, many often follow the deadly path of predeveloped pages and images of dancing cats, babies, and alligators. Color blindness may also attribute to this ghastly array of retched colors.

According to The Onion, on July 28, 2004, the "the Internet collapsed under the weight of the millions of baby pictures posted online." Free services like Yahoo attributed to this collapse, with their Geocities Web Design Service™, allowing millions of parents, high school teenagers, and pet animals to design their own seizure-inducing homepage.

Another similar crash is expected in the near future, especially from the new strain formed by MySpace, Google Blogs, and Wikipedia.

As a Weapon of Mass Destruction[edit]

The new version of HTML, HTML 5, can be very dangerous. Nintendo, which successfully created seizure and killed over 9000 children in Electric Solider Porygon, decided to work with W3C and added a new feature to HTML 5 which lets you to cause throw-up and a splode with only 1 line of HTML, and it is also cross-browser compatible too (except Internet Explorer. Microsoft found W3C and Nintendo's evil plan and decided to not support HTML 5).

After Bill Gates research, he found that HTML 5 is a laser and radiological weapon, so he said to the Windows users:

To counter-attack HTML, you simply need a mirror, when you put the mirror in the front of the screen, the laser will be reflected to the screen, and the laser will be transmitted back through the Internets, and back to W3C and Nintendo's server!

In 2008, two men succeeded in sending sperm over the internet using HTML. Unfortunately for them, they didn't have a licence to make copies of themselves, and were prosecuted and convicted in September 2010 [1].

In 2014, the Iraqi terrorists hacked and replaced it with HTML 5. Almost everyone on the Earth even Google itself died.


Oh Yeah, I Can Write Computer Programs![edit]

No, you can't. You know how to use <tags> to do stuff like this on your blog. This is not computer programming; this is writing an HTML document. There are many overly-proud mothers who'll think the HTML document you're writing is the bee's knees of web development. Trust me, it's not.

HTML is like programming for little boys and pussies. You wanna be a man, you gotta learn a real man's language. Real men use languages like C++ or Assembly language and do manly things like use Linux as their primary operating system. Real men do not use kiddie toys like HTML.

More Acronyms[edit]

HTML is also an acronym for:

  • Horrible Text Mutilation Language.
  • High Tensile Milk Lactose, an industrial polymer made from milk past its best-by date.
  • How To Meet Ladies, an old technique to have sex, making less work possible.
  • Hot Tazmanian Mandolin Lickers, pretty self explanatory.
  • Hazelnut and Tomato Muffin Linguine, a common breakfast food in No Orleans.
  • Hungtinton's Terminal Mouth Lesion, a nasty disease caused by kissing strangers.
  • Hard To Masturbate in Lingerie -- pretty self explanatory.
  • How To Make Love, a language in which Kamasutra is written.
  • Hasn't That Man Left?, a common comment at an annoying mens' party.
  • wHatchamabooble Thing that does the 'Mazin stuff Language, used in the old country.
  • Heart Tattoo Markup Language, a language closely related to Suicide Girl Markup Language.
  • Hyperbolic Tarter sauce Monkey Love!, do you really wanna know, kid?
  • HoT MeaL, a language used by computer-nerds to program microwave ovens
  • Justin Hoffman, is the master of all HTML
  • Hairy Testicles Meet Larry Nothing Important!
  • Hyper Trannys Making Lube
  • Happy Toilets Making Love
  • Ha! Too Many Llamas

See also[edit]

VTE The cornerstones of the Internets
Internet | Internets | World Wide Web
Languages Perl | PHP | Java | JavaScript | Internet-speak
Consortiums W3C

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HTML is part of Uncyclopedia's series on Mass Media.