It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.

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Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…


Wife: I told you to slow down.

Cop: License & registration, please.

Wife (opens glovebox): Divorce papers?

Me: Look underneath them.


As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.


the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.


Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.

Inmate: Who got me out?

Warden: A famous celebrity.

Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?

Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.

Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!

Warden: Just go man.


[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you


[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo


A fun dream I have is to stand in the middle of Comic-Con, yell “What’s so cool about Star Wars anyway?”, then jetpack through the ceiling.


Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?

Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.

Me: Yes it is.


Buys valentine.
Writes “I love you” inside.
Mails card to self.
Receives card in mail.
Reads card.
“Eww, why do I attract losers?”