May 7, 2020

Scared to breathe...

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It is a word that has haunted me, shadowed me, hovered over me, and made its home inside of me.

Fear has consumed my mind, my heart, my body. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Several years ago, I began a journey to overcome it through God's Word.

I had trust issues with God. I knew He could help me...but would He?

I had seen others be healed from fear....but could I really be healed?

The journey began in 2012.

It is hard to know exactly what I was fearful of if I am honest.

I guess that is the thing about is the big invisible monster that threatens to strangle you. All the while, nothing is actually visible or tangible. It is a oppression of sorts.

A smothering.

I talked to doctors, psychologists, counselors, pastors...

All of them agreed on one thing.

I had to change my thoughts.

Ha. Well, how in the world do you do that?


I had to replace thoughts with something else. I decided to replace them with God's Word.

Memorizing scripture.

I began writing scripture down on  4x6 index cards. I would tape them up all around my house.

If you came to my house during this time, you probably would have rolled your eyes thinking, "she thinks she is such a good Christian." In fact, it was quite the opposite. I was desperate, and bare, and suffering in the black hole of fear.

The journey of changing my thoughts which would eventually begin to change my behavior has been a long and winding road. Good, bad, hard, messy....all of the emotions. Sometimes all in one day.

When Covid-19 came on the scene, I felt a familiar rush of fear. I woke up one night in mid March with that suffocating feeling again.

What if my children got sick? What if my parents got sick? What if my husband got sick?

I quickly pulled the index of scriptures out of my memory bank and began to recite them.

Fear is irrational.

It makes you crazy. You know what I am talking about if you have ever struggled with it. Like a mad woman. It overtakes you. It starts small and then before you know it you are immersed in panic.

Fear also isolates.

When I was in my worst state of fear, I would not go anywhere. I dreaded church. I dreaded social gatherings. I dreaded being asked to participate in anything.

Because...what if....what if I had a panic attack in the pew at church? What if I freaked out when I was talking to someone at a party? What if I just started convulsing into a panic attack while driving down the road?

Fear kept me at home. 

Fear kept me in the prison of my thoughts. Which is a dangerous place to be. 

Fear oppresses its victim. 

Fear separates us from community. 

Fear drives us away from others. 

Friend, if you are struggling during this pandemic...I urge you, beg you, to use this as an opportunity to memorize scripture.

I am telling you with 100 percent certainty...the Power of God's Word healed me.

Yes, I still have moments.

But, I know the Source of my strength. God's Word.

My children and I took our dog for a walk yesterday morning.

My son out of the blue said he really wanted to memorize Psalm 1. 

He had recently memorized Psalm 91 and wanted to expand on his scripture memorization journey.

I asked him how he had memorized Psalm 91 so quickly, and he said it was because I had taught it to him when he was younger. He had just not been practicing reciting it anymore.

Tears flooded my eyes. I remember exactly the day I practiced memorizing Psalm 91 with my kids. It was more for me...because I was struggling so badly with fear.

Yet, the seed was planted in their hearts. They remembered.

I set out to write a post on a completely different subject today, but my fingers just started typing this post.

Whoever you are....that needed to read this....I am praying for you right this very minute.

I wish I could hold your hand, look you in your sweet face, and tell you that I get it. Oh, how I get it.

You are not alone.

Don't let the enemy convince you that you are alone.

Pick up your sword of Truth today, God's Word. And slay the enemy.

Pick it up over and over. Tuck it away in your mind and heart.

When you wake up in the dead of night covered in sweat, recall His Word.

Recite it over and over.

Wanna know why I have a memory scripture each week?

Because I desperately need it.

I am not trying to impress anyone with scripture knowledge. Oh, the contrary.

I need it like I need air in my lungs.


breathing again,


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