Saturday, February 25, 2012

Bully....Rated "R" For Realness

Bullying has been a much talked about topic these days and as a person who was bullied to an extreme, I am very glad to see this come about. There has always been a tendency for parents and educators to take the stance that there is not much that can be done and "boys will be boys" even in the face of circumstances that lead to another suicide. It is important that when kids ask for help that we listen because sometimes no one else is. And so we do our best to let kids know that they are not alone in the hopes that even if the world around them never changes...they can find the strength to survive it.

In the face of what seems to me to be such an obvious need, it was with great anger that I read that the Motion Picture Association of America recently handed an "R" rating to a documentary meant to bring awareness to the subject by showing the brutal realness of it. a documentary by Harvey Weinstein and it shows in clear fashion  that bullying goes far beyond name calling into the realm of violence and well as showing the astounding level of denial many will go through to pretend it doesn't exist. What makes me angry is that giving a movie such as this an "R" rating puts it right out the hands of those who might need to see it most and it makes this topic seem like something inappropriate for children, even though they may be living the reality of this issue everyday. Check out the trailer after the jump and you be the judge...

The reason for the "R" rating was due to the language used in the film. There is violence but of the kind that usually receives a pg-13 rating. The fact that the movie contains profanity is meant to be a red flag to parents who wish to control the content of what their children see...but the logic disconnect here is that the language used is the kind that bullies are using as they terrorize the kids they victimize. The fact that this often happens at school makes the prohibition against profanity seem a little short sighted. Kids are already hearing this language as it is used against them or their classmates...and that is exactly what this movie is trying to portray.

Now a parent will see this rating and potentially judge it based on that alone. Showing this at schools will mean that permission slips will have to be sent out because this is an "R" movie. This effectively puts it out of the hands of those who need to see it the most, bullied kids, gay kids, their friends and classmates. The fact that parents have to be present can be a good thing if it opens up dialogue...but not every parent is so open...and not every kid is ready talk about what is happening to them. Making this movie an "R" makes it seem dirty or dangerous and that just makes me angry because kids lives are on the line.

I often wonder if movies like this, or "It Gets Better" videos reach the kids who need to see them the most...and if they do, how is it received? Is it helping anyone find hope and strength..or is it just dismissed as something that can never change anything for real. I try to imagine myself at that age, when things were at there worst and I felt totally alone. My parents had given up trying to talk to principles and given up trying to comfort me. They wanted to see me stand up for myself and fight and that was something I never believed I could I settled for accepting that no one would ever help and that speaking up was useless. When I think about how I felt at that time...if this movie was shown in my class it would have been as if they had made it just about me...but I wouldn't have shown it to anyone but inside I would have cried because the boy you see in this trailer was exactly like I was. I think that my younger self would be so hopeful that this movie would make someone stand up and stop this but I had grown to believe that no one cared about the kid at the bottom of the heap...not even the adults who were supposed to protect you. How could one movie have made a difference in my life then? How would my life change for the better in any practical way just because people were talking about it? I didn't care about someday because today held to many dangers and I just wanted my now to get better. And so...rather than blame the world, I turned the blame on myself. I looked in the mirror with hatred and wanted to change every single thing I saw reflected back at me.  I was too afraid of suicide for it to be a real option for me...but neither really was life. Even though I had no idea I was gay, I agree with the young man from the Trevor project who recently took his own life when he claimed that his name had simply become "Faggot".

Day by day I survived and it did get better. It is because of that, that I can stand here and say that it does. But it took living through it. I don't know if someone simply telling me that I would get through it would have been enough without the love and support of friends and family to back it up. I guess that's why movies like this are important because, while we do need to hold our hands out to kids who are in that place of utter hopelessness but we also need to work on making a world where they no longer have to stand alone. You will only speak up and tell the world you need help if you believe you will be heard and taken seriously.

That some Yahoo in an office deems this movie to be too much for kids to see unattended by a parent just tells me that he has spent far too long behind a desk. The kids who might hear these words without a parent to guide them are already hearing them everyday...sometimes while they are getting their heads rammed into their bus seat just like the kid is this trailer. Who are we really protecting? Are we protecting kids from indecency?...I think not. More it seems an arbitrary application of a rule that has no connection to the modern world.

Any parent who takes the time to see this movie with their kids will have a lot to talk about. And I hope that your child doesn't have a story like this one to share. But if they do, listen and take it seriously. The only way things really change in a practical way is when all of us take it seriously and refuse to accept it anymore. It takes parents, school officials, the kids who stand by and watch it happen, and those of us who made it through. It takes all of us.

I hope to watch this movie sometime soon...and I'm sure I will cry through a lot of it. My husband is always happy to point that out. But I would rather take his teasing then to have missed out on loving him becuase I did not think anyone could love me. Just pass me the tissues. The film was released on 3/9/2012 and if you're trying to go see it and save some money while you're at it, I suggest you buy your tickets off here with discounts for Amazon. There are plenty of bundle deals on tickets!

Until next time dear readers.....


  1. i myself did not get much more than gum in my hair after the 6th grade (because a "friend" hit me in the ear with a rock, 2 times that year, and being the damaged kid i was he nearly died the first time..i had thought he had learned, im better now after lots of therapy-i was not a bully myself just very angry without a means of expressing it then betrayed.), but my niece got it pretty bad from the other race kids in her neighborhood. one of the girls had been her best friend. the school system and the bus driver did nothing to stop it and my niece would not have been able to fight off all of the other kids. eventually my nieces family moved away and they are in a better place now.

  2. I think it’s basically bad judgment to give this documentary an “R” rating merely because of foul language without consideration of the context in which it occurred. It’s one thing to give a film an “R” rating for gratuitous blue streaks exchanged between adults and quite another when the bad language used in this film is exactly the kind used by today’s bullies and is heard daily if not hourly by their victims. I also think this film is of unique importance and timeliness, given our current suicide epidemic, and that the language standards should be relaxed from how they otherwise are normally applied.
    I was bullied a lot in the 7th and 8th grade, more for not being a tough guy than being perceived gay. I’m pretty masculine, so I don’t think I could have possibly given off any fembot vibes in any way then. The bullying stopped abruptly in the 9th grade and from then on and I’m not sure why. Well, maybe I wasn’t around so many of the same people in the 9th grade that I was in the 7th and 8th and it could also have been that a had a (show) girlfriend in the 9th grade.
    I’ve seen all of your videos at least once, yet I don’t ever recall you ever saying in any of them that you were bullied yourself. You’re look and act thoroughly masculine, so I wouldn’t think what you experienced was from any perceived gayness. You’re also quite attractive, so it’s hard to picture you getting beat up over appearance unless you were excessively thin or overweight back then. I know you were pretty thin when Jay first met you, but obviously have no idea about before then.
    When you said you wondered if It Gets Better videos made any difference, it immediately made me think of a video on jasunmarkdotcom’s channel—the gay porn director—in which he explains why he never uploaded an It Gets Better video of his own. Basically, he feels they don’t work and they don’t prevent anything and then he explains what gay folks could do which actually would make things better. I’ll give you the link because I think you should definitely watch it for an alternative viewpoint. I get where he’s coming from but I haven’t decided yet how much I agree or disagree with him. Here’s the link:

  3. I find it pretty absurd to rate a move R over language and violence when it is documenting the language and violence that kids are subjected to every day by other kids. I makes it clear that these standers are so far out of touch with reality that something is desperately wrong. For one thing it highlights how much of a non existent fantasy state that the MPRA standers are set in, and secondly it highlights how out of hand things have gotten when it comes to bullying in this country.

    It sucked to be bullied, I was lucky I was pretty much not physical bullied, well not after one or two instances after which others learned it was not a good idea, mostly because once provoked/threatened enough I am much stronger then many people assume and able to protect/stand up for my self. How ever I spend all most my entire school care being bullied, for the fact that I am stoically awkward at times, for my weight, as I was (and still am) fat, for not being necessarily masculine, for being emotional, and then latter for being perceived as gay. It played a big part in my hating all those things about me, and myself. I still have issues like even though I weigh much less then I did when I graduate high school, like 50lbs less when I see my self I still see my self as I was then. Not to mention that emotionally I am a very bottled up person, who basically can't cry any more, which makes it hard to release emotions in any other fashion then getting overwhelmed and angry. I do think such things have the power to cause real damage, I know that when I see my self, I have a hard time not seeing myself as I was when I was in school even though I have change a lot since then.

    1. Being seen as emotional in middle and high school might well provoke bullies there, but you might have noticed that having that very same quality in adulthood is something that a number of people find quite attractive in a man and a sign of inner beauty. I would want whoever Mr. Right turns out to be for me to be on the sensitive and sentimental side. There will be plenty of over-the-top romantic surprises in store for whoever that is and I need him to be someone emotionally equipped to be able to fully appreciate the stuff I’ll be doing for him. Someone who is stoic, cold, incapable of being moved by anything and whose reaction to such surprises is “Well, that’s nice. (Yawn) Ready for a run on Taco Bell?” would be a terrible match for me.

  4. A movie isn't going to change anything, but a movement of students and teachers actively changing the culture of their schools in a proactive way could change everything.
    This movie is a great way to bring the issue to the attention of CLUELESS ADULTS who seem to have forgotten what things were like when they were younger. And they have NO IDEA what things are like for young people now. I see this movie being for the adults and not for the kids. It would be a mistake in my view to put too much hope in just one movie changing anything. (Movies CAN change some things, and I do have very high hopes for "The Right To Love")
    Instead, programs like this are what are needed in every school in the world:

  5. I cannot believe that they are rating it R because, as you said, it prevents the people who need to see it the most to have access to it.
    I am from France, I was bullied physically from grade 4 to grade 9 and my parents never found out until I told them when I was 16 and we had moved to another country! Guys didn't respect the We Don't Hit Girls policy which resulted in me chipping 6 teeth one day or being covert in bruises another. Just like you, I thought it was my fault, that something was wrong and I hated myself and tried everything to change, to no avail. However, I was never helped by teachers, even if they knew. Anti-bullying campaigns only started this year in schools (13 years too late for me) so I had no reference point about what to do.
    I think this movie should be accessible to all kids that need it, either because they are bullied or because they bully. I don't if seeing that movie back then would have changed anything for me, I doubt it but I guess we will never know. Léa

  6. Thanks. I'll be sure to look for the movie. And will likely cry through it too.

  7. Others also agree. Here is a news story with a link to a petition to remove the R-rating.
    Here is the petition:

  8. The R-rating itself should be a wakeup call for parents and other adults who work with kids and in schools. This being a documentary that SHOWS what KIDS ARE SAYING TO OTHER KIDS AT SCHOOL, obviously none of the language that the MPRA finds so traumatizing and unacceptable for kids is language that they don't hear in school every day from their classmates. By suggesting that parents need to sign a permission slip giving consent for their child to hear this language on screen, they are suggesting that parents should have to give their consent for it to be heard any ware else at school, including from other students. Presumably the R-rating was given because things went beyond what adults were willing to see as normal and acceptable. If only parents and educators who turn a blind eye to the problem were willing to follow this assessment/critic of the events and language in a documentary through to its natural and logical conclusion.