My First and LAST Spartan Race EVER

I want to take time out of my extremely busy schedule to share this WARNING to anyone who is thinking about doing a Spartan Race.

I signed up for a Spartan Race after one of my spa buddies told me about a friend of a friend who knew someone who saw the movie 300. Let me tell you, the actual Spartan Race is nothing like what you'd expect and you should stay far, far away. I could write over a million reasons, but I have to get to my Hinoki Body treatment so here are just 5.

#1 Did someone forget to make an actual path?

Okay, so, congratulations you put tape through the woods but what about the trees, branches, and rocks you left in the way? Lazy much? Not only weren't the paths clear, but they also made them go through mud and rivers!? Ever heard of a GPS? Maybe you could avoid these things?

#2 Water stations? Ummm yea, okay.

After completely ruining my Louis Vuitton V.N.R, which were signed by Loui V himself, I made it to a "water station". First of all, where did that water even come from? Why are there tons of random people touching it, and are those tiny plastic cups even clean? Ummmm NO. If I wanted to contract, like 100 diseases, I would just lick the gym equipment at the resort I'm at right now; and I wouldn't have to go through the worst experience of my life to do it.

#3 Talk about absolute CRAYYYZEEE

Obstacles? Yes, that's right, obstacles. Listen, having to decide which of my 27 cars to drive is obstacle enough, but Spartan decided to make their so called "fun event" into inhumane torture. I heard someone say they were glad that there were lids on the buckets? Yea, no, how about you take the lid off so you can dump the rocks out, dummy. That's called physics. The Spear Throw was the only thing I actually "enjoyed" because it made me feel like Brad Pitt from Troy. But, I guess my Personal Trainer needs to work me harder because that spear was HEAVY....I couldn't even throw it far enough to reach the hay bail.

#4 Finish Line - Now catch on fire!

I'm not going to lie, because I'm better than that...but I totally skipped most of the race and I don't even care. Whatever. I came to the Finish Line ready to get the medal that I should have gotten just for showing up to the middle of know-where on the day I was supposed to sign for another Condo in the Upper West side. No surprise from Spartan, before you get your medal you have to risk your life by almost catching on fire and burning to death. I'm surprised the entire venue didn't burn down with all the crazy people jumping through the monstrous flames.

#5 Finisher photos and times

The last thing I wanted was any evidence or reminder that that day every happened. But, a few days later, my butler told me I received an email from Spartan saying my photos were ready. Wow, okay, way to ruin my life. Now I publicly look like a buffoon lost in the wilderness fearing for my life. My time? They couldn't even track it! I was probably too fast for their rudimentary timing system.

Okay, so, in the future, I'm going to avoid thousands of crazy people, and if I want to experience something like that again, which I don't ever, I will just watch 300 in my home theater. My therapist says that confronting my fears will help with the nightmares.

If you didn't catch on yet, this article is a little bit of satire. Hopefully you got some laughs from it! Really, we love Spartan Race (and every other OCR event) for all of the reasons our "writer" listed they hated it! We'd love to help you prepare for your next OCR. Check out for custom coaching!


Luke Hayes (Author)

Joel Hayes