go ahead, we’ll make more

In ALL, ILLNESS by Stephanie Klein50 Comments

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Truth: I’m in my New York room under the covers, and I’m exhausted but cannot sleep. It’s 4:30 PM, and I should be thinking about a healthy dinner. Something chopped with radishes and tiny cubes of summer squash, a sprig or two of mint or a chiffonade of basil. A lovely tang of dressing. Instead, we’ll be ordering in a pizza, which will, undoubtedly leave me feeling like dough. It won’t be a brickoven thin crust with fresh mozzarella and heirloom tomatoes. It will be hideous. It will be PizzaSlut. I want no part of it, but I’m too fucking tired to go back to the goddamn grocery store with an iPhone shopping list. Again. If I never see a shopping cart again, it will be too soon. Even if miracle of miracles market-fresh goods arrived miraculously at my hot-as-balls-Texan-doorstep, I’d be too damn tired to have my way with any of it. There will be no summer salad, no dicing, and not a jullianed root vegetable in sight. There will instead be complaints.

You know, just because everything that matters becomes illuminated, doesn’t mean you stop giving a shit that it’s hot out. Just because you worry–and you actually have reason this time–doesn’t mean you’re wrong to complain about all the irrelevant crap. I say, go ahead and bitchfest all you want. The thing about life is, there’s always room for more: more celebrations, more casualties, more bad hair days, more booze, and more bitching. I want to bitchslap the knuckleheads who think you’re only entitled to complain when you have "real" problems. Everyone has problems, or makes problems, and some of us bitch about it. Seriously, if you have nothing nice to say, come sit by me. Because right now, I’m a Meredith Brooks song, and all I feel like doing is screaming until I pass out.


  1. My migraine, which is pounding away, hurts me more than someone's ________ does, so bitch away. Just because there are "bigger things" doesn't mean the little things don't bug. A lot. Of course, they're magnified because of the bigger thing. (No need for me to go into my bigger thing.)

    A friend just called and is downstairs in my building. She's with friends of hers I don't know. "Want us to come up?" Aside from the migraine, I look like shit and don't really care to try and look presentable. So, no, I'll sit here with my greasy hair and hate life today, if you would just please fuck off and never stop by unexpectedly again, especially with friends I don't know, thank you very much.

    Clearly, I have nothing nice to say. Move over and I'll sit beside you. I could use a good bitchfest. And pass a slice of pizza. I don't care who made it. I don't even want to decide what to order tonight.

  2. I know, it's hotter than a bastard. I'm right down the road from you.

    Honestly, I agree. Don't ever ask, "What could possibly happen now?" Because it will.

    Hang in there, sister. Kvetch all you want. I'm gonna keep praying for you guys.

  3. You have had a very stressful week and the heat probably makes it 10 times worse.! I don't think anyone could fault you for bitching.

    Phil, you and the children are in my thoughts!!

  4. I actually think PizzaSlut sounds kind of good. And complaining about small but significantly annoying crap is an indication you're still alive and feisty and responding to what's around you! And you know what, most of the time it makes others around you feel good. Because they want to bitch, too. So actually you're spreading GOOD cheer when you sweat (so to speak) the small stuff.

  5. Can you hear me screaming, AMEN?
    I'll pull up a chair and bring the parmesean cheese and wine!
    Bitchfest is on! My list is long, we should probably use the spinner from a board game to take turns!

    Enjoy your pizza! I ate pasta salad for the 4th day in a row! Don't you hate it when people say they are coming over, you make extra food to feed them and they don't show up! Just plain RUDE!

  6. I'm having a hard time recovering from a surgery 4 months ago. I live alone and had to be on a scooter for 3 and a half months. I went into a depression so deep that I couldn't get out of it. People kept telling me retarded things like "just be grateful for xxx and try to remember xxx" I couldn't believe people were trying to talk me out of MY depression. My bitching, my complaining. I stopped talking to the worst offenders. Bitch away girl, I hear ya.

  7. You go right ahead and bitch all you like. If anyone is unhappy about it, they can spend their time reading about someone else's life on another blog.

  8. When did summer stop meaning "slow down".
    I'm still waiting to feel like it's summer.
    Good luck, Stephanie. I hope your news is good.

  9. Stephanie,

    I adore you. You are my Velveteen Rabbit. Thanks for being REAL. Happy. Sad. Scared. Pissed. It annoys me when people want to tell you what to say or what to feel. It makes me want to scream. It's like all the people that march for freedom of speech… until you say something they don't like… then you are damned. Savor the sweet moments, because they are still there in the middle of all the horrible crap… On my worst days… if it wasn't for my son's massive dimples, incredible giggle, or just cracking up at his obnoxious farts on our way home… I would crumble… I wish I could sprinkle pixie dust on your world and make it shiny and sweet… Hang in there!

  10. Bitch on, girlfriend. I call it flushing the negative out of the body. There will be those who don't get it, whose smugness make you want to upchuck all over their pristine lives, but you know what? They suck. They deserve nothing. I would suggest to all your readers that we not even respond to the garbage they post. Acknowledging the crap validates the crap. Ignoring the crap sometimes makes the crap disappear.

  11. If anyone has a right to bitch and feel out of sorts, it's you. Better to purge all the upset than hold it inside. Isn't that why we all have blogs? ;)

  12. You are allowed to feel this way. The heat is being a real son of a bitch right now. Stay under the covers for a bit and lick your wounds. It will be ok.

  13. Hey Stephanie. We've had our fair share of PizzaSlut lately too, because I too cannot bear another trip to the grocery store with the iPhone shopping list. Glaring at it as I make my way through the store, trying to fit all my stuff into the red basket under the cart because my two kids are occupying the actual cart.

    Bitch away – I sure do.

  14. This is what is called having all the shit you're soldiering through finally catch up with you. Take a deep breath, pour a glass of wine, enjoy your greasy pizza and don't wash a dish until tomorrow. In other words, kick back and say eff-it to whatever you NEED to be doing tonight and RELAX.

  15. You want to bitch? Bitch! And I hope Phil joins you. You both deserve to indulge yourselves. Do whatever helps you get through the next 24 hours and however long you need. Geez, you mean Pizza Hut is the only place that delivers in your area? Oy!

  16. hot as balls is right.
    105 here today, 110 heat index. I took my kid swimming for not even 30 minutes and got fried.
    Happy Wednesday, Stephanie.

  17. Found out today, I knew one of the window washers that died yesterday in New York. Came home and told the family, I'm not cooking, order PIZZA. Drained. Drained is my adjective of the day. I figure, I'll tackle drained and let you have bitchy, maybe tomorrow we can switch? Whatever, pizza can't hurt.

  18. I read somewhere -a long time ago -(keep in mind, I'm old, somewhat senile too) that little things, like squeezing the toothpaste in the middle instead of at the bottom, stuff like that which seems so petty, so minute a problem to one can build up in another and cause stress and it is little stressors like that which often cause marriages to fail.

    My point here is whether what is eating at you today, huge, medium-large, smallish or itsy bitsy, if it's bugging you, talk about it -even if it is bitching to someone -or, in this case something (a computer/blog) and let it out before it grows even larger, festers away and destroys who knows what in its path.

    Let your readers provide the couch and be the shrink who sits back and listens, nods the head in acknowledgment that you've been heard and maybe once in a while, even offers a suggestion -or at least perhaps condolences of the "I know just how you feel" type thing.

    You know, they don't call counseling the "talking therapy" for nothing and typing your thoughts, feelings into this space is much the same as talking about it, isn't it?

    My theory and I'm holding to that too!

  19. BRAVO Stephanie!!

    You shared a mouthful of bitchin' truth here!

    "I want to bitchslap the knuckleheads who think you're only entitled to complain when you have "real" problems."

    Me too!

    Why does un-real bitchin' get such a bad rap?

    Besides…it IS real.

    I've been bitchin' about the summer heat all damn summer.

    God…to be in Alaska right now….

    Sending you COOL thoughts.

  20. Excuse me, whats the point of a New York room, if you can't complain in it? I once walked out to 6th ave in chelsea and screamed at the top of my lungs – and no one heard ; ) It was pretty cathartic.

    Take what you need for yourself.

  21. Hi Stephanie,

    I just logged in last night after quite some time away…so it was my first time reading about all of Phil's health problems. I don't even know what to say, except that I am thinking of you and your family.

    I've been in "Meredith Brooks" mode too the last week or so. Just completely undone over all the little shit I have to do every day. So last night I crawled in bed early, ate my crap-ass dinner in bed, and zoned out to a little Tori and Dean. And damn it felt good.

    I know it's Phil's health on watch, but don't forget about your health too. Your mental health. Seriously, oink out to some cardboard pizza and hole up in the NY room if that's what you need! And don't even sweat it about bitching.

    …because sometimes life is just a b with an itch.

  22. bitch away and feel like dough.

    The other day I was so mad at the hubby that I screamed at the top of my lungs into the rug in the office, my hideaway, for a good five minutes.

    you are so real.

    Scream away, eat away, bitch away.

    You rock So Much

  23. Something was just jogged in my memory, what little I have left of it…

    11 years ago my, then 17 old, son was diagnosed with cancer. When he had to stay in the hospital for chemo treatments, he asked me to stay with him.

    As you can imagine, I was really stressed and my method of becoming less stressed was a martini. So when I packed clothes, snacks, books and games for us, I included mini bottles of good gin and mini jars of stuffed olives for each night of the stay. It gave me something to look forward to at night and helped me relax so I could sleep.

  24. Steel Magnolias AND Meredith Brooks all in the same post?

    I think I love you.

    Keep it comin'!


  25. I have been so pissed for the past week I feel like I am going to pop. Life is so awful and overwhelming, yet that is not what has me about to go off the reservation. It's the little things, because you hold yourself so admirably and don't lose it during the big things. It's the little things that cause a fit worthy of a deranged postal worker. Like the simple fact that they were out of my favorite OR wine or that the cream went past due when I was desperate for a cuppa this afternoon. Or the idiots that haunt blogs and leave the most insensitive{sp?}, self righteous comments when people are in pain and just trying to survive life and vent by sharing with a network of readers/supporters. I hate how narrow-minded people are and just evil. It honestly bums me out. Which is why I will never blog. And as a fellow genius who thought Tx{dallas} was a good idea, The dry, mind-melding temps have me ready to ship out to Greenland or maybe Denmark, where I have heard everyone is happy….and blond and slightly nippely. So can I just tell you that your blog is a place where I go to chill and think and laugh and yea sometimes cry and I like so many other people who follow your blog, I wish and honestly hope with all of my heart that Phil will be okay, that all of you really will be okay. Seriously.

  26. I haven't been online for a week as I was out cold with a throath infection and just read what has been going on in your life. It's completely normal to bitch the crap out life now. You've done your very best to keep your chin up for him, of course it's also hard on you, so release now.
    I sincerely do hope everything is going to be ok, and in any case, we've got your back.

  27. Oh please, bitch away all that you want! You have all the right to. I’m a firm believer that bitching about irrelevant stuff can keep you sane sometimes.

    I’m bitching non-stop about the heat these days. I’m temporarily living in Madrid (yeah yeah, I’m not complaining), but this HOT ass city plus one non-air conditioned apartment is about to make me lose my mind. I’m a bitch machine right now.

    I hope the PizzaSlut wasn't too bad. :)

  28. When things get really crazy in my life, I find that the little things are that much worse to deal with. My brain gets into that, "I can't believe, on top of everything else, that it's hotter than Hades outside!" And when there's nothing to be done about the big things, screaming about the little ones is a comfort. Scream away! I'll scream too.

  29. All I have to say is that this post today, well, its PERFECT for what I'm feeling right now (albeit, different circumstances). I wish you could have been a fly on the wall in our counseling sessions last night…you'd probably have had a good laugh. I was off the wall…totally tangential (it was my turn for the topic of the night, ha ha ha…so much for any form of organized thought). We are lucky, our therapist rocks and lets us have "off" days sometimes, if you get my drift. So, you go right a head and scream…I'm there with you. Thinking of you and yours on this day…good vibes.

  30. Bitch all you want, we don't mind. And as for the heat! I can't imagine how people can take this heat in the southern states. I'm much further north than you and some days it's brutal. I walk around the house with a wet towel around my neck to cool off. Hoping to hear good news soon. Take care.

  31. Bitch on girlfriend — bitch on!!!!!

    I think if I didn't bitch about all the little things in life that annoy me my head would probably explode. It's just normal!!!!!

    And I'm 3 hours south of you and it's even hotter-than-balls down here!!!!

  32. Here in the tri-state area there's grocery stores called Stop & Shop and they have an on-line ordering site called "Peapod". They bring your groceries right to your door. Got stomething like that in Austin?
    I've been very bitchy myself this week. Got up to pee at 3:30 the other morning and when I came back the dogs had taken my space. So I yelled at them. My husband told me to cut it out. Whatever.
    I can't even imagine what you are going through roght now. Get some girlfriends or family up there NOW to help you or at least let you bitch face to face.

  33. I just adore you, Stephanie! I had Bitch playing on repeat ad nauseum ALL day yesterday! Considering what you are going thru….Go ahead and bitch, scream, throw something, whatever you need to do. SOmetimes, the sound of breaking glass can be very theraputic.

  34. AMEN! Pizza can be salvation… but pizza and wine is nature's miracle. Tuesday night I wasted 10 minutes of my life getting screamed at by a crotchity mean old bastard because the family table at his retirement party was rectangular and not circular. Needless to say after walking a mile through Harlem to get on the subway, pizza and wine were in order.

    That being said, please tell me where I can overnight, on dry ice, a real NY pizza & a bottle of Cab, and it will be on the way!

  35. not sure where you are in austin, but http://www.eatoutin.com/ was great for me on shitty days. the prices aren't really that reasonable, but on days when i was desperate enough to need it, they seemed reasonable enough…more of a choice than the slut, at least….and dude, i think the number one reason i had to finally leave austin was that my family was planning to murder me if i mentioned how hot it was in fucking october one more time. i grew up there, yet as soon as i'd experienced a summer elsewhere it was as if i completely lost all the tolerance i'd built up as a child. even in september i found it impossible to believe that anyone could talk about anything other than how goddamn hot it was all the time.

  36. Amen Sister!! Sometimes, you just need to whine and complain – whether it's about something serious or not! I want to bitch about how unfair it is that if I ate said pizza, I would bloat out and need for days of starvation to work it off. How unfair is that??? Annoyed!

    Was at Gansevoort last night and thought of you! Hang in there! It's always darkest before the dawn!

  37. This is one of the reasons why I love your blog so much. You are so real. You have every right to be a royal bitch, so go for it. I also love all the comments. Makes me feel better that I'm not the only one having a shitty week. My problems may not be the same as others', but they are very real to me, and all I want to do is join in the bitchfest. It's nice to know that I can come to this blog and feel so at home. Putting the bitching aside, I truly hope you and Phil get the best news today! Good luck!! We're all rooting for you…

  38. I think anyone in your situation would be feeling the exact same way, bitch all you want – you have a whole community that's here to listen. And ummm Pizza Slut? sounds kinda good right about now. Lots of luck today to you and Phil.

  39. Today is a big day for you, right? And you've had several days of waiting for this big day….So, YES, you can go ahead and have every feeling in the book this week. I wish that I lived in Austin so that I could come over and bring you guys some treats. I'd gladly bring a better pizza (with goat cheese!) or some gourmet pasta and salads.

    I've been sitting here all week thinking about you, sending my thoughts and prayers your way… And then last night, my mom called from my parents' vacation in West Texas to tell me that my dad is having problems breathing there. He had a heart valve replacement and double bypass two years ago, so I'm not sure if this breathing issue is related or not and they are the middle of bumf*ck nowhere West Texas and I'm scared crapless that they won't get to a decent doctor for diagnosis. All I can think of is "get back to Seattle and your real doctors before it's too late". In any case, I know your pit of the stomach feeling, having felt it two years ago and feeling it again last night with that phone call. I'm waiting, too. And, all I hope is that both of us get good news today that we will have many more years with our beloved men.

    Hugs to you, Phil and the kids!!!

  40. I am a Stephanie fan. I have enjoyed her writing for many years now. But just as Stephanie has the right to voice her opinions and feeling for us all publicly, the same should be allowed for the people who take part in this living blog on a daily basis. Though my comments may have felt chilled as you read them, they were my thoughts. Even after reflecting on both the blog and my post, I feel my words ring true. The truth does not always come with a glass of Bollinger La Grande Année Rosé 1999. It comes with what ever happens to be sitting beside you.

    I have enjoyed seeing the world through Mrs. Klein's eyes and have felt the wonderment of her prose whole heartedly but as of late I find myself reading the public journal of a spoiled Valley Girl with no sense of reality. In Straight Up and Dirty, Mrs. Klein out lines for us, in black and white, all that she craves to be a part of, love, life, family, work and friends. Well she's got it all now. Her life has become a lot more than her own. This is all a part of leading a public life. If you can't stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen or in Stephanie's case, don't go to the grocers and get what is needed to make your family dinner.

  41. I think bitchfesting is highly under rated. If you can't bitch when it's bad when can you? Go for it Stephanie, you've more than earned the right. As for the PizzaSlut, oh how I wish I could join you (I don't even like their crappy pizza) but the root canal I had 2 days ago is still screaming at me.
    Hang in there … and bitch a bit for us all! – Lola

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