Why People Don’t Listen to Advice

Doesn't Listen


―Agatha Christi

People generally don’t take advice, even good advice. Even free, good advice.

I’d like to believe that most readers of this blog—those who watch one of the many interviews I’ve conducted with various polyglots, or who read one of the many fantastic guest posts published here by fellow language learners—actually implement a few of the pieces of advice given, and, as a result, become better at learning languages. Truth be told, however, these people are probably the minority.

Light bulb momentThink about yourself. How often do you really, honestly take someone else’s advice and go on to actually implement it? How often do you say to yourself, “Wow, that’s a great idea. That’s a much better way of doing things than the way I had been doing it (or was planning on doing). I’m going to implement this starting today.” As John Steinbeck has once said, “No one wants advice – only corroboration.”

I see mainly 3 kinds of people out there:

  1. Those who never listen to any type of advice. These are the ones who do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.
  2. Those who seem to think that the advice given makes sense, but do nothing about it. They’re usually very imaginative and make up all sorts of excuses for not following good advice. A lot of people are in this category, including myself.
  3. Those who examine and analyze the advice carefully, find out that it makes a whole lot of sense, and actually embrace it. They are a rare breed in danger of extinction.

Would You Take My Advice?

I genuinely like to help people who are eager to learn a foreign language, and I expect absolutely nothing in return. Usually, when someone tells me about their plan to start learning a language, I offer my advice. I tell them first about the need to have a good reason for learning whatever language they might have chosen, as this will be their principal source of motivation that will, in part, support them through the hard times that will assuredly come.

I also tell them that they can learn a language on their own, for very little money. I talk about the importance of consistency, goals, and developing a routine/habits. “Better to do it 15 minutes every day than 4 hours one day a week,” I add. I tell them about my two favorite language learning textbooks, Assimil and Teach Yourself. I tell them they can easily find language tutors or professional teachers for ridiculously cheap on sites such as italki or LiveMocha (usually well under $10/hour).

And 99% of the time, they go on to do exactly the opposite of what I tell them. They enroll in a boring (and prohibitively expensive) class, buy a boring textbook that uses medieval method of teaching languages based on rote learning and grammar rules memorization, and they don’t speak with a native speaker until they can make sure they will make next to no mistake—which means effectively never (or not any time soon).

As an Ethiopian proverb goes, “Give advice; if people don’t listen, let adversity teach them.”

Why Don’t People Listen to Advice?


I think there are at least three main reasons for this, not necessarily mutually exclusive.

  1. People perceive their reality differently from the way others see it.
  2. People are afraid of the unknown; they are afraid to step outside of their comfort zone.
  3. People do not accept the fact that they are responsible for their success (or failures).

First, people perceive their reality differently from the way others do. We all look at other people’s lives from the outside, with the clarity of being somewhat distanced and uninvolved. This is part of the reason why allegories are at times powerful tools to teach us useful lessons and make us understand the world. Plato’s Cave is just one good example out of many.

They put some distance between ourselves and a particular reality that we experience, and that allows a higher degree of clarity to come into play. Thus, while it may be obvious to some people from the outside that the way a certain person is going at a particular thing is fundamentally wrong, advice won’t be of any help unless the person involved clearly recognizes this him/herself. We are all involved in our own affairs, and it’s not always easy sometimes to stop, take some distance, and think through things objectively.

Comfort zone and where the magic happensSecond, people are afraid of the unknown. They are afraid of stepping outside of their comfort zone. I have a firm belief that learning a language is all about getting outside of your comfort zone. And so is the secret to living a fulfilling life. It’s not easy, it takes practice, but it can be done. But people are, by their nature, afraid of trying new things. Even if most of us have had bad experiences in middle or high school learning foreign languages, we willingly pay high fees and enroll into language classes again and again because that’s something we are used to. On the other hand, learning on one’s own sounds very unusual, and many hold the belief that it won’t work, they simply won’t be able to do it.

The Blame GameThird, people do not take responsibility for their success. When you’ve been learning a language for 5 years and you still can’t have a simple daily conversation with a native speaker, it becomes much easier to blame others if you’ve taken formal classes. “The prof is not good,” “the textbook is boring,” “that language is too hard,” etc. Of course, there are millions of additional excuses that one can make up. Other particularly pervasive ones include a lack of time, a lack of natural talent, or one’s “advanced” age. I will tell you this: you are fully responsible for your success. “Teachers open the doors, but you must enter by yourself,” as the Chinese proverb goes. If you truly understand that you are responsible for your own success and you continuously seek to improve yourself, it will be much easier to adjust your compass and plan a strategy that will work better, and thus, willingly accept advice from others and implement it.

What Do You Have to Say?

What do you think? Do you tend to listen to good advice and implement it, or are you part of the first two types of people mentioned in the first paragraph of this post? Why do you think people generally fail to follow good advice?

Here’s a last piece of advice: comment below with your ideas on this topic and share your experiences. Have a good one! 🙂

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44 thoughts on “Why People Don’t Listen to Advice”

  1. Those people… I don’t get it either. I wonder, do they want to learn a language or not? I’m offering a cheaper easier proven solution and they turn it down! I think your comment about responsibility nails it. Monolingual English speakers are bad at learning languages because the current global concentration of wealth, power and prestige in the hands of English speakers rewards them for their ignorance. It takes a paradigm shift to make learning a foreign language really necessary, such as that comes from religious motivation or significant time spent abroad.

    “Learn a language” is something almost every monolingual is trying to do, and almost everyone is failing, while the rest of the world is effortlessly multilingual. It’s easy to look for excuses when you see massive failure. Look at English in Japan for an analogy. Still, I do wonder why, when confronted with someone like you who is obviously expert in learning languages, they don’t take the advice? Could be the same tricks. “You have a gift for languages” or whatever. Yes, I do, and so do you: the human brain!

    1. Kieran, I like your idea of the fact that it takes a paradigm shift to make learning a language really necessary. I totally agree with this. It’s also always easy, as you point out, to look for excuses when you see massive failure. Thanks for the interesting thoughts!

      1. No problem. I appreciate your hard work.

        I got the idea of the paradigm shift and the analogy with Japan from Nicholas Ostler’s fascinating book “Empires of the Word.” (2006) Especially the final chapters have lots of observations that are relevant for polyglots about who manages to learn new languages and why. Basically, trade is not a significant enough motivator, cf. Chinese language learning. You can trade without sharing a language. But cultural prestige is a significant motivator. For English speakers, I think it’s hard to give up the idea, perhaps often held subconsciously, that English-language culture is the best on the planet, that English-language education is the most advanced, etc. What do you think?

        1. Yes, I think you definitely nailed it down. Cultural prestige is very important. I think a point that a lot of language learners miss is the fact, too, that culture is simply central to language, it is embedded in it and you cannot learn a language without learning the culture.

          Yet, I think that it’s the best thing foreign language acquisition offers: the opportunity to truly learn and get to understand a different culture. Basically, you get to see the world through different lenses. So naturally I think that without a certain interest in learning more about a different culture, language acquisition is made much harder.

  2. Sam, all great points… but life tends to get in the way: family, friends, work, distractions, etc.. I think you are right on the responsibility remains with the individual but most of us have competing priorities. That being said, I have implemented much of your advice from previous articles. Thanks for the motivational fodder!

    1. Hey Shawn, thanks for the comment. I totally agree with your comment, but I think this is not relevant to the situation I’ve described in this post.

      The people I’m referring to in this article are people who have already committed to learning a language. This is the important part. They have already decided to commit time and money to learning a particular skill (in our case, a foreign language), and they ask advice about it.

      I often get asked about advice from people who are already enrolled in a language class, for example, or people who have already some free time and who are looking to invest this time to learn a foreign language. These are the people who receive advice but don’t follow it.

      What do you think? I hope this makes sense 🙂


      1. Hey Sam, I think it fits (Yokudeki kindofa sums it up – people are complicated)! For instance, I’m learning Spanish – probably one of the easier languages for an english speaker to acquire. I’ve determined to read, write, listen and speak. So far, I have listened primarily because I have time in the car on my way to the commute to work. But, my mind at times really wants to just listen to foxnews instead. So, it’s a constant battle to maintain those slight behavior modifications. Another example, overweight people – the answer is simple – eat less calories than you need/burn. I don’t think anyone wants to be overweight but yet it is an epidemic. Why? There is tons of great advice out there but dreaming/wanting to do X does not make it a reality. You’ve written some great articles that address how, where, when to learn a language and stay motivated – keep up the great work! You need to offer Language Coach services…

  3. My take on this is… Advice can be simple, but people themselves are not simple. They have layers of habits, emotional issues, ego, beliefs, {or lack thereof} etc. draped around their minds. Or, they don’t have someone to stand over them with a whip to make sure they’re on track.
    This why I admire “simple” people that lack these, can take feedback, advice, drop the ego and move up.

      1. You can say that, haha. I was thinking in regards to actual coaches or people that train you in other things – say martial arts, gymnastics, dance… and are watching your every move, adjusting all the little mistakes. I’m sure this applies to all skills aside from the physical stuff. Just an idea of how self-learners can circumvent this habit of reading tips, advice, etc. but not actually taking it.

    1. Good point LinguaJunkie. Indeed, advice is usually simple but people are not! I also think ego plays a big role in whether someone will take and implement advice or not. In the end, though, I think everybody has much to gain from learning from the mistakes of others and seeking advice from those who have trodden a particular path. Now I have to work on following my own advice!

  4. My beliefs are:
    Not only for languages, but also for the simplest things of life, people tends don’t be able to organize into a rational manner their choiches and the way they select those.
    To many persons don’t keep track of what they are doing, if are achieving their goals, the way they are doing so and so on… So without keeping track is impossible to check if hypothesis and choices are or are not confirmed.
    There is a big difference between to desire and the will to plan to achieve something.
    I’m starting to believe that after a slow start, a progressive increase of work load is one of the keys to succes. I mean overlearning for stimulate ours skill to improve better and better. I can think that sessions of 15 or 20 minutes work well (or are good if you take two or three different languages at the same time) but anyway you have to undertake a few sessions everyday or it’ll be difficult to turn oneself toward acquiring a second language (mindset).

    1. This is interesting. So language learning needs to be regimented to some extent to succeed in the absence of massive input and intense pressure to learn. But regimentation itself is a skill most people need to learn. I found this to be the case with myself. I had to change my sleeping habits and so on so that I could study regularly.

      1. Ya! I think so. Also I did notice that -like it is obvious- generally professional schools offering services in language learning don’t cover too much advanced language learning, merely they offer improvements on the nuances of the language, but not strategies, tecniques to push forward into a complex environment. Yes. Of course, the catchment area of people who are already at a high level is more limited. But some could still offer services not aimed to a general improvement, but rather to a further progress. I mean: ok, is good to suggest to read (listen and speak) as much you can.
        But still: how to vary what you read should be done in a reasoned fashion to avoid to overlap already tried experiences, or you are likely to slow down and wasting energies.

        1. Right; I had a Japanese instructor (now a professional translator with Bento Books) who had us focus on using tools like Anki, Shared Talk, Skype, etc. to learn on our own. As he put it, class should be about “meta-learning” where they teach techniques to solve specific problems. This is much more time- and cost-efficient as well.

    2. Red, I totally agree that one of the keys is to have a slow start. I think one of the most crucial periods for learning any kind of skill is the first month, because it is during that period that sustainable habits are created. Putting more time to the study of a language also gets easier over time because as your skill in that language increases, you have access to a wider array of interesting materials (movies, music, comic books, etc.)

      1. The more you advance, the more the range of subjects you can cover. Particularly, different kinds of sources have to be considered. I mean, for instance, if you take different contexts for reading: manga, fiction books, tecnical informations of something (let’s say instructions to prepare some food, or to use an object) these three certainly share words, expressions, between them, but also these areas maintain different traits. Of course “tecnical” area is not good to acquire idiomatic slang. In turn manga and fiction don’t overlap so well. Thus I think, as soon as is possible, it is worth have a varied “diet”.
        I agree that starting and keep moving is a delicate moment, then the second one is after you have improved significantly. How to progress, how to avoid plateau, making good use of your effort is a relevant issue. Without being able to figure out some strategies to continue the journey there is still the risk to loose a little bit of enthusiasm.

  5. I am no language learning guru but among the foreigners I know in Taiwan my Chinese is considered pretty good (not bragging as the competition isn’t very stiff), even though I’m an upper intermediate level at best.

    Although many foreigners have no interest in learning the local language many will come with good intentions of learning some Chinese. Some are willing to listen to advice although never implement it and some just don’t listen whatsoever. However most have given up not more than a few months into their stay. The number one reason is simply poor study methods and the idea that they can learn by osmosis simply by being here.

    I imagine you encounter the same thing in Korea quite a lot?

    1. Hi Scott. Thanks for sharing your story. Back when I was in Korea, I didn’t get many people asking for my advice in fact. The overwhelming majority of expats there made next to no effort to learn the language.

      The one thing I truly realized after my experience living in a non English-speaking country is that simply living somewhere will definitely NOT make you learn the language. The majority of expats usually end up surrounding themselves with other expats, going to places where expats hangout, etc., ultimately believing that learning the local language would be a waste of time because life is, on the surface, nearly just as convenient without knowing the language.

      What about your own experience in Taiwan? I’m sure learning Chinese hasn’t been an easy thing, do you perhaps have recommendations for people living in Taiwan/China and trying (or willing) to learn it?

      1. I would say you can’t use the environment to learn very well initially, i.e. you need to put in a lot of work with learning materials (text books, podcasts etc) up front and then allow the environment to reinforce what you learnt by exposing yourself to the language around you. This meant (for me) reading signs and menus around me constantly, doing a lot of eaves dropping on conversations, trying to talk to people whenever I could and having little mini goals in Chinese such as being able to go to the bank, answer the phone, book a restaurant and so on.

        The only things that make Chinese significantly different from other languages (in terms of learning methods) are the tones and characters. I would just say put a lot of effort into pronunciation up front, as it pays off in the end, and unlike most other languages you can put off learning to read in Chinese for a long time until you are quite good at speaking at which point learning to read becomes considerably easier.

        1. Good stuff. I agree that it’s hard to use the environment to learn well initially if you’re a beginner. That’s why I think you’ll always get more out of an experience living overseas if you’ve learned the basics of the language beforehand. Immersion after that makes sense.

          The only exception I could think to this “rule” is if the language spoken in the country you’re going is very similar to the one you already speak. For example, if somebody is fluent in Spanish and knows only a few words in Portuguese, going to Brazil might allow that person to quickly pick up the language thanks to the similarities between the two languages.

  6. I give you an example. I was always told not to use bilingual dictionary when I come an unknown word across. Better to use one language dictionary – there are great ones for English. I didn’t do. Maybe my vocabulary wasn’t rich enough to keep this advice. I don’t remember when I began to use one (hardcopy, online of Webster, then Longman). IT WORKS!!!!


    1. Glen, I visited your link and could not find where I have infringed on your copyrighted work. Could you point to the exact part of my article with which you have an issue? I do remember reading your article (out of many others) and using it as a source of inspiration, but I did not copy it in any way.



      1. Sam, Thank you for responding. I use Google Alerts to watch for copies. I was alerted to your article showing exact matches to several sentences and similarity in context and flow.

        When I examined your article I saw why it was matched.

        I have a section where I listed two kinds of people stating “I discovered that there are two kinds of people:” . . .

        You broke that into three, stating “I see mainly 3 kinds of people out there:”

        Your item 2 is the same exact text as my item 1, with the text “Those who seem to accept the advice, but do nothing about it.”

        Your item 3 is the same exact text as my item 2, with the text Those who take the advice into consideration, think it through, and do something with it.

        If you want to be a successful writer, you need to use your own originality. You can only do that by writing from your own mind instead of taking someone else’s text. Your method does not result in original content. Anyone reading side by side can see the similarity and Google knows which came first.


  7. I think people pick and choose which advice to follow. In the case of some of your suggestions with language learning, I have already been trying to do on my own prior to reading your website (studying every day, using a variety of sources, changing up routines, etc..) But some of the other advice I don’t follow. Like the trying to find people to speak it with or making clear goals. And the reasons I choose not to follow those sets of advice is because of my own social anxiety and insecurity; I know I should, but I can’t (going back to the rationalization point.) Other people may only sign up for classes and study from text books because they may disagree that learning form “untraditional” sources would bring them fluency – something about their personality or history will bring them to that conclusion. So I believe the same goes with more general advice, we pick and choose what already fits our preconceived ideas about our selves and the world. I think I only elaborated on the “corroboration” quote earlier in the article, it sounded like my own separate idea in my head…

    1. Sorry for the late reply Hannah, and thanks for sharing your story. Indeed, I agree that it seems as if a lot of people pick and choose what already fits their preconceived ideas. An analogy I could make is with travel; a lot of people say that traveling opens your mind and so on, which is true to some extent, but if you don’t have an open mind (or a willingness to open it) from the outset, travel is unlikely to change you a lot. Ultimately, people see the world through the lenses that they’re wearing, and changing lenses is no easy thing for most of us.

  8. it is true many people do not like advice, i dont like it either but it does not mean that i dont take it. i do but its just the way that some people give advice that makes it difficult to take advice. many people will start by crushing you first then suggest a better way. it makes me feel like i am stupid and he is the wise one a better way of giving advice to some one is to give someone some credit first and then give the advice.

  9. I think it’s because people lack understanding of themselves and their motivations. I often find people can’t even express or identify what they’re feeling and why. I may be biased but I definitely notice this with men. I think they are taught not to emote or express themselves and so they tend to be stunted emotionally and disconnected from their core desires and feelings.

    Learning how to think differently is the key to really know how to listen. This is something I learned when I studied abroad. I realized how little I listen when for the first time I couldn’t understand the language being spoken. I was forced to pay attention to body language, facial expression and tone of voice. When I came back to the U.S. I realized my hearing had become sharper; I could actually distinguish words from a great distance or muttered under a breath.

    Any ways, this is just my
    two cents.

    1. Interesting insight Mia, thanks for sharing! I’ve also felt that learning foreign languages has made me a better listener.

      In terms of people lacking an understanding of themselves and their motivations, I think you definitely hit the nail. In fact I think that’s one of the multiple benefits to learning a language, you get to know yourself better in many ways. I also always encourage new language learners to really think through their reasons for learning a language and their true motivation for it. It’s time well spent to do so.


  10. Interesting take. Some people can take advice. They might need it, and should recognize when advice is valuable. But then there are those for which advice is usually bad. Any kind of advice. Those people typically trust only themselves. Most of the time, they are overachievers, who actually are smarter than 99 out of 100 of their friends, or people that would attempt to give them advice. — It also depends on context, whether or not taking advice is a good thing. I’m an entrepreneur, for example, and my success so far has a lot to do with only taking my own advice. Not others’. Generally, in that context, it’s not a good idea to take advice from anyone who isn’t: where you are, progress wise (and financially) in business, or ahead of where you are, where you want to be. — People who don’t meet those conditions, will normally give a person limiting advice. One has to be aware of that.

  11. As a language tutor, I have always blamed myself for the fact that my students don’t follow my advice. I also speak a few languages, I should know a thing or two on language learning. Truth is, it rarely has anything to do with me and your post explains that wonderfully.

  12. Heaven's Thunder Hammer

    I think a good part of the equation is really simple: “Has the person asked you for advice in the first place?” If you’re giving out advice to someone who hasn’t asked for it, don’t be surprised if they don’t take it.


    Although I’m not interesting in learning a new language, thanks for the great advice for in the future I choose too!

  14. One major reason people don’t listen to advice is that the advice is bad, and based on their own frame of reference – and they have no idea what the other person has gone through.

    I got overloaded with advice, almost all unsolicited, about dealing with my child’s death and later with my wife abandoning me and the subsequent divorce.

    People didn’t know that:

    My ex-wife exploded at me constantly as I repeated what the funeral director, medical examiner and police told me to her, insisted our daughter had been murdered even though foul play was ruled out, and told me for three years that our deceased daughter was my least favorite child, arguing vehemently with me if I disagreed with her on that.

    Or that she refused to help me with flood repairs (amazingly, Book of Job, we had a hurricane/flood hit our town a month after our daughter died).

    Or that my ex-wife abandoned me and our surviving children with three hours notice to move four hours away, ordering me to have no contact with her, and at the same time, refused to visit or call our children.

    Yet people told me:

    “You should feel comforted that God had a better purpose for your daughter.” Bad advice, even if you believe in God, which I don’t.

    “Did you try marriage counseling? We had a good one, who saved our marriage. Your wife was so nice. Let me call her and tell her about our counselor.” We finally got to counseling over two years after I first suggested it, by the way. Everyone has heard of marriage counseling.

    “Drive 4 hours to where she’s now living and beg her to come back. You two could grow old together.” Not only do the experts claim that this doesn’t work, but who said that I wanted to live the rest of my life with a lunatic who was brutal to me after our daughter’s death, created an imaginary murderer and abandoned me and our children with three hours notice, having the news delivered to our kids not by her, but by her brother and sister?

    “When you’re done with this process, there will be countless women available to you.” I was more concerned with keeping the boat afloat than other women, and other women were the furthest thing from my mind after spending the last 3 years of my marriage with my now ex-wife. This guy wouldn’t stop bugging me about getting a girlfriend, despite me telling him to stop discussing the matter with him, until he finally threatened to find one for me, and he told me he would be offended if I didn’t go out with whoever he chose for me. I’ve since cut him off.

    “I wish I could get you to believe in God.” This came from someone who was stunned when he asked me if I believed in God and I said no. That may be foreign and unimaginable to him, but working to convince me of this is a fool’s errand, as well as irritating and insulting to me. Especially when his behavior didn’t make me think that believing in God had turned him into someone I wanted to emulate.

    Advice is only helpful if the advice giver fully understands the situation, which none of these people did (I didn’t broadcast the personal details mentioned above). It’s also not valuable if the person doesn’t want advice and isn’t seeking it. Be wary of intruding upon someone and giving out unsolicited advice (most advice I’ve received has been rained upon me, after they heard through the grapevine what happened), or you will not only annoy the person you think you’re helping, but will risk making an enemy.

    Advice is often ill-timed, inappropriate and just plain wrong. That’s a key reason that people don’t listen to it. Advice givers need to listen deeply first, and then ask if the person wants advice.

    I’ve asked a very limited circle of people who know fully what happened (which includes professional trauma counselors and a couple relatives) for advice. The rest seem to think they know just what to do, when none have been through what I’ve been through, even the part of the story that they do know.

  15. Eddie Gámez

    A lot of the time, people don’t listen to me in general because of my age. For the most part I am the youngest when it comes to friends and family. I usually get them either completely ignoring me or listening and then making up excuses to not take what I’ve said to heart.
    I know I come off like a know-it-all, even though I never claim to know it all. However, I have had a lot of experiences that have caused me to really adopt a “tell i like it is” approach to life. Especially when I give advice or say how I feel, it is very direct and a lot people don’t like that.
    And the end of the day, it’s not my problem if people don’t take my advice because it’s their life to either build or destroy. Just don’t get mad when you go looking for someone’s advice or take on a situation and it isn’t favorable.

    1. Sometimes people do ignore the advice if people who are younger or way older. They feel the advisor must only be their peer.

  16. I am the one like to listen from other advice and try to brush up myself, however it is so true that not every single advice is so good that everyone can accept it. Thus, for those who really put your effort, heart and soul to advice people, i give my salute to you all, it is good that you have this action, however lets say your advice get ignored by the respective people, don’t feeldown or even sad, because you are not the one that is going to lose anything, but the people you advise is the onethat isgoing to fall in thefuture because ofnot adhering to your advice. Just that, next time, no need to spent your precious time and thought for this kind of people because they do not deserve it. It is always good to point out others weakness while always remember to compare that with ourself, so that you can help those out while at the same time, brush yourself up. However, bear in mind that everything has the limit, no wonder is to you or to the people you are going yo advice. Just that no need to waste your time on those who from earlier choose not to bother your advice, 🙂

  17. Charles Nehme

    best advise is to ask a question ? could it be smoking that is making you cough that loud ? that is the best way to advise egos

  18. People tend to give advice without understanding all of the nuances of the problem. They give generalities that don’t work for everything, and sometimes they give advice to someone who just wants to vent, but knows exactly what to do. I find that many people are trying more to sound clever than actually being aware if their advice is helpful, and furthermore, wanted. I only give advice when people ask. I don’t just assume they need it.

  19. Interesting article on giving/taking advice and language learning. I regularly fall for giving advice when asked due to the needs of my own ego rather than considering the needs of the asker. There I said it, maybe I can be more helpful in the future!
    Regarding learning a new language, I have often wondered if it would be faster, more interesting and easier to learn a new language if the student developed speaking the accent and intonation of the new language in their native language to the point of unintelligibility, then the student would switch over to learn the new language vocabulary and conversation. After all, most language learning seems to be getting the pronounciations correct. Thoughts?

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