CHERO’S TAKE: Sometimes PDA is more about deceit than love

Monday July 01 2019

Have you ever admired how some couples seem to have nailed the art of Public Display of Affection (PDA)? PHOTO| FILE| NATION MEDIA GROUP



I was sitting next to such a couple recently. They would be the envy of many lovers.  

Initially, I thought it was a man and his newly married wife until I heard him speak ill about a certain "Mama Kevin" who, upon further eavesdropping, I realised was his wife.  wife. 


It was evident that he was building a picture of a person he regretted marrying.

Some of the words he used to describe her were: dirty, rude, too fat, poor in bed, clumsy, a spendthrift, unappreciative and every other word you could think of to describe “bad” wife”.


Although I tried my best not to react and betray my eavesdropping, I looked at the woman giving audience to the foolish man who was talking ill about the wife.

Behind her make-up was a face foolishly full of hope that this man would divorce his wife, the mother of his kids, and marry her. 

To convince her, he did not pick his wife's constant calls, even going ahead to tell the present woman that his wife was a paranoid and insecure nag. He even disconnected his calls! 

My suspicions were confirmed when the woman finally excused herself to go to the washroom.

He picked the phone and called back his wife.

"Hey babe! Sorry I was driving. I couldn't find the medicine so I had to drive to town to get some.... Kevin amelala? Has the fever subsided? I got the meds so I'll be home in a few though there's mad traffic today. The gods of traffic are on the loose. bla bla bla........ Love you honey....". 


When the woman came back, they left. They held each other's hand until when he had to get a wallet from his pockets to pay the bills near the exit.

I turned around and a man sitting on the next table in the opposite direction was staring at me. Well yes, I could tell he was equally amused. 

Dear young ladies, I am not long enough in the tooth, but I am old enough to know that a married man will always talk ill about his wife when he wants to take you to bed.

He will say his is a shotgun marriage. That he was trapped by pregnancy. That he married his wife because he was forced to. That he never loved his wife. That she was a bad mistake.

That he is there for the kids. That he is divorcing soon but he is still sorting some issues. That they have not been intimate for a year!

Once his meat and two veg are done with you, dear young ladies, he will disappear and never look back.

He will go to the next woman, his lust will lead him and he will follow. 

You will call and he will disconnect and tell you his wife (someone I know calls his wife OCS and I so want to insert an emoji here) is around.

He will tell you that he doesn't want drama from 'that lunatic'. If you are dating a married man, dear ladies, drop him like hot iron. 

If a man does not give you the freedom to call home any time of day or night, if you have never met his friends and relatives, if you are a secret lover, if he hides you, if he saved you as 'Cherono wa Polo shirts' or 'Macho Nne' or 'Joyce Job' or 'Shiku wa Mayai' or 'James2', if he doesn't walk around with you proudly because he fears his 'wife's friends will see you with him and they are very malicious', if you are not free to visit his house, if you are prohibited from texting past 6pm and before 6am, you are being used. 

Dear ladies, the bitter truth is, a man will never leave his wife for you. If he does, he will leave you for another woman. 

Let's be frank here; that man and his wife are busy building a home for themselves and their children because they have a future. They are running businesses together.

They are planning for their finances. They are giving their children the best education because they have a future not because he has no choice.

They are planning for an anniversary because they love one another not because all his friends have done so.

They are planning to renew their vows because they are in love not because their parents asked him to do so. 

The Sh20,000 he gives you for rent is loose change. He earns Sh800,000 and he has planned the rest of the cash with his family.

The weekends he spends with you is because his wife went to check on their business in Eldoret or Kisumu or whichever town. He sleeps in your house when his wife travelled to China because you are the substitute. The substitute that has no say. 

At the end of the day ladies, you will have wasted your time, your emotions and your resources on him. He will leave you and tell you:

“You knew I was married when we started dating.”

Suddenly, you will be the bad one. If his wife finds out about your affair, he will say you seduced him.

She will forgive him and they will gang up against you. 

If you are already in and she finds out and calls you, apologise and stop it immediately. Forget it. Do not abuse someone's wife. You found her there. That's her marriage. You are sadly an intruder. Do not cause another woman to cry. Do not cause her children to sleep hungry.

Like pumping resources into an asset, due diligence before investing your emotions in a romantic relationship is a prerequisite.  


Chero's Take is a weekly opinion column by Stella Cherono, who tackles social issues boldly. To comment on this article, Email [email protected]