Monday, November 17, 2008


We received a frantic phone call recently from a good friend in Chicago. "Call me, someone I know is going to an engagement party and she's not sure if she should take a present." 
The answer was brief and simple, "No."

An engagement party isn't about gifts. It's about an announcement of a couple's commitment to close friends and family. Usually if you make the engagement party cut, you'll be invited to the wedding and probably a bridal shower. You'll have ample opportunity to spend money, don't forget the outfit you'll wear to the wedding and travel expenses if it's going to be a destination wedding. 

Some people feel compelled to take presents even if there is a request for no presents on the invitation. This could pose discomfort to those who adhered to the request. There is nothing worse than sharing an elevator with people going to the same party with some holding presents and others not.  If you're holding a present, be discreet when you give it. No need to announce, "This is for youuuu."  Then the poor receiver has to say, "Oh, you didn't have to do this." This gets dull quickly.

Some people just can't help themselves. They just have to give presents.  That's fine but not at the party.  You can send a gift or give one in person on another occasion like dinner or over a drink - you should probably pick up the tab too. 

We've talked about gifting before. It seems to become a problem when the giver thinks it's all about them and has little to do with the person who will be receiving the present.  Some use it has an opportunity to posture in front of others. "I'll show them who has manners!"

Well show them. If you're asked not to bring a present don't. 


Tuesday, November 11, 2008


There is nothing more unpleasant than sitting in a restaurant and the table next to you is so loud you can't hear your companion, the waitress or the food. (That's pretty bad.)

I, Yvette, had such an experience the other night. My friend and I had a reservation at a neighborhood restaurant on the upper eastside, we chose it for the Moules Frites. We sat down and almost immediately a table of four across the room started staring at us. Had I left a roller in my hair or something?

In back of us, was a table of young people. Within two minutes we realized how loud they were. It was as if they were holding a contest to see who could scream the loudest. We were out of there 3 minutes later. The manager asked us why we were leaving, we said, "It's too loud." He just smiled. The hostess asked the same and apologized. As we opened the door she said, "I hope you come back." 

Do you say something? Yvonne said she would've complained to the manager, especially if she really liked the restaurant and didn't want to go dinner hunting. She then pointed out that she has a dear friend who speaks so loudly in restaurants, she rarely sees her. Yvonne said she never could bring herself to say to her friend, "Could you lower your voice, please?" That kind of request, Yvonne believes, never comes out sounding right from friend to friend. Does she complain to the manager? "No, you can't leave the table and complain to the manager that your friend is too loud." Once, Yvonne tried lowering her voice hoping that the woman would follow suit. Instead, she turned her voice volume on high. "I just gave up, ordered the quickest thing on the menu and cut the lunch short. I see her when it's warm and we can eat at a huge outdoor cafe."

As we passed the table who had been staring at my imaginary sponge roller, one of the women said, "We were looking at you because we wondered how long you were going to last at that table."

We ended up in a restaurant where it was evident that the other patrons, received the same lesson we'd received when we were young - when we raised our voices inside a public place such as a restaurant, our parents would put a finger their lips and say, "Shh, lower your voice."

Thursday, November 6, 2008


Most of us had a candidate in mind when we went to the polls on Tuesday. Only one could win. And if Obama was your choice there is no need to bash Senator McCain and Governor Palin. You can compliment his fine concession speech. They ran the race they did and it is over. We have a new president and one way to respect him is to respect everyone's vote whether you like it or not.

If someone says, "So, your guy won." There is no need to reply, "And yours lost." Just say, "He did and now it's time for all of us to get to work." You can let them know how you can understand their disappointment and tell them while you didn't agree, you respected their opinion. (Try not to grimace when you say this.)

We cannot deny the race piece in all of this. But, we don't have to make it a racial issue. President Obama will be everyone's president. It's going to take time for this to sink in and not everyone got the message, yet. Not every taxi driver is going to suddenly stop for all Americans regardless of skin color. Not every employer is going to say, "I think I'll hire that person, he or she looks like they're related to Obama. At your next cocktail party, no need recap the history of slavery and end on an anecdote about something bad that happened to you today. Talk about the good in all of this.

There's going to be a period of adjustment for all of us. Some whites will be inclined to say to blacks, "Aren't you happy?" assuming that all blacks are Democrats and definitely were Obama supporters for obvious reasons. You can reply with a question, "You mean about the election? I think it's great, you?" Or you can make a statement. "Yes, I am. We have a great country." These may not be the words you want to use but the attitude should be upbeat, cheerful and inclusive.

There will be blacks who will assume that whites are not happy about President-elect Obama. Let them tell you that. Be respectful, listen. There's no need to gloat or make a white person feel as though this historic election is about payback. It's not.

Let's enjoy this new day in America and keep it on its pedestal. We can be proud Americans and always gracious, like our president. Oh, yes we can.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008