Thursday, December 22, 2016

Ex-Adventist Holiday Gift Guide

This post brought to you by our Patreon donors, Ami's sick sense of humor, and Lana's amazing online shopping skills!

Your ex-Adventist friend may not be the friend who has everything. They could probably use dance lessons or a wine-of-the-month subscription or a set of DVDs of that really popular Saturday morning cartoon everyone their age is always referencing or, heck, a little parental approval, if you can figure out how to gift wrap it. We're here to help you find the perfect gift for your ex-Adventist friend, the gift that says, "I see your weird religious upbringing, I understand it, and I think it's hilarious."

Cracked editor Robert Evans' incredibly well-researched book for the ex-Adventist who still needs a little justification for their back-sliding.
It's miraculous that you're not confusing my drink with yours anymore.

The product description says that this game will determine "who rules Christmas," so don't play with your friends who are still Adventist (they're pretty sure they know the answer).

Sometimes even the staunchest of atheists misses their old imaginary friend. If this doesn't work out, you can always...

This magnet set lets you combine attributes and weird hats to make the ultimate god.


We'll admit it, so your ex-Adventist friend doesn't have to: we all still love potluck food. Here is a treasury of old favorites, so they don't have to go to a fellowship hall to indulge their cravings.

No explanation needed.

Because there's nothing funnier than making a gag gift out of the most traumatizing parts of someone's childhood.

This board book actually explains how to do gospel-inspired dance moves like "The Temptation Tango" and "The Ascension Swing." The best part, though, which you don't get from the Amazon listing, is that the cover is holographic, and Jesus awkwardly shimmies like a drunk former Super Seven when you move the book back and forth. 

Lana actually found a bunch more hilarious gifts. Maybe we'll share them with you all next Black Friday. For now, remember that, even though December 25 isn't the birthday of the savior of all mankind, it is a pretty good excuse to buy something stupid for someone you love.

Happy holidays, you crazy heathens! May your 2017 be irreverent and enlightened.