An etiquette expert explains how to handle stubborn people at work and in life

man folded crossed arms
Flickr/Strelka Institute for Media, Architecture and Design
As a parent, handling stubbornness pretty much comes with the territory.


Yet, when my kids act stubborn, it's easy to shrug it off, since they're kids.


In fact, allowing stubbornness is the only way that stubbornness grows.  


So, let's make a pact to stand up to stubbornness once and for all.

1. The stubborn coworker

Stubbornness is defined as "refusing to change one's mind or course of action despite pressure to do so; unyielding or resolute." Ugh, even having to read and write the definition makes me want to vomit. Gosh, I can’t handle stubbornness!

OK, OK, enough venting, it’s back to business. And speaking of business, stubbornness in the workforce has two conflicting sides. First, let’s focus on my least favorite part of the argument for the "Pro Stubborn Debate." It goes something like, "If I really want something, I have to go for it and not let anyone stop me." Drop the mic, and walk off stage, right?

Seriously? Now, as a person who is driven in everything I do, I totally understand and can relate to that statement. But looking at being "stubborn" as a point of pride — as if not being stubborn is a sign of giving up and giving in — is not a free pass to be rude.

Usually what ends up happening is said stubborn person is perceived not as "driven" but rather as a colossal jerk. Using the argument for being a stubborn adult due to your "passion" is like saying your "love" for beer means it’s OK if you’re drunk all day.

Stubbornness — like any other crutch — is a negative attribute of a person's character, which affects others. And that is where I have a problem with the whole "stubborn-means-driven professional" excuse. If you’re stubborn all the time at work, you will alienate every single person around you, without fail.

For starters, you’ll look like someone who can’t collaborate with their peers. I mean, you’re always correct so how can anyone work with you, right? Also, it shows you’re a lousy communicator in general. After all, being stubborn means you don’t even listen to what others have to say. You may hear them, but won’t listen and that means you can’t connect.

And if those reasons aren’t enough, being stubborn shows you’re inflexible to change, or ideas other than your own. So, rather than stick with being stubborn, use your motivation to succeed on the inside; pushing yourself harder and harder, telling yourself you’ll be on top. However, don’t let your stubborn beliefs cloud your judgment of disconnecting with your peers … and ultimately tanking your career (hmm, I believe there’s a book about that).

Tip #2: The Stubborn Partner

Of all the stubborn characters out there, hands down the most difficult of all is the stubborn partner.

Whether you're married or just dating, when you are involved with a stubborn partner it will make working with a stubborn coworker seem like a piece of cake. In fact, it would make dealing with an entire corporation of stubborn colleagues seem like a piece of cake.

Care to argue this one? Not likely, since 99.9% of the entire dating world has at least once dealt with a stubborn partner who made the relationship more toxic than that the feces-infested waterways of the Rio Olympics (check out HBO's Real Sports to learn more. It's disgusting!).

So why on earth would anyone in their right mind insist on remaining stubborn when most likely they had nothing but misery from being on the receiving end? With that, if we can only take one thing from a failed relationship, it's how the rude actions of an unmannerly dater will teach you wonders about what you don't want in a partner. For many, it's stubbornness.

Please don't take this as me saying you should jump ship from a relationship the second your partner refuses to change their mind about not liking your buddy Jim or not wanting to go to the Opera. After all, in any relationship you will never see eye to eye on everything so pick your battles carefully.

With that, being stubborn once or twice does not make a partner terrible. However, the issue is the non-stop stubbornness where the relationship is about as one-sided as a sumo wrestler playing tug-of-war with a toddler.  This is where the main problem with being a stubborn exists: the inability to put your needs, wants, and desires aside for the happiness of someone you care about.

In fact, I'll argue that by not doing so, it means you don't care about that person in general. So, if anyone is reading this, then thinking of their partner, and nodding knowingly, please do not run for the hills quite yet. Instead, point out when someone is being stubborn, regardless of how many times you have to remind them.

In a situation like this, it's proper to make it known and discuss the issue. On the flip side, if you are a partner who insists on being stubborn because you insist on always getting your way, take note of this article and this tip in particular. Not doing so, and insisting on being stubborn could lead you to a standing table for one.

3. The stubborn in-law

The phrase, "You can pick your partner, but you can't pick your in-laws" is something every dater should remember.

The term in-laws refer to marriage, but even unmarried couples feel that their partners' parents have a big impact on both their lives, even if there is no ring yet. In fact, based off the wonderful emails I receive many of you feel like a prize fighter in a ring, having to dodge punches from stubborn in-laws on a regular basis.

Even though my in-laws are awesome (and I'm not just saying this because they read my work), trust me I'm well aware of what life is like on the other side. In fact, I discuss this in How to Handle Rude In-Laws, which outlined some horror stories of monster in-laws. So, whether you're the son/daughter in-law dreading the next family dinner with "those that will go unnamed," remind yourself of one key fact: You're an adult!

Stubborn in-laws are a breed of their own. They like things their way and they can't see why you can't figure that out "after all these years." It's draining, but you can't hide.

First, if you plan to marry once (as is the point), you're with them for life and you don't want to have a divide between you and your partner over their in-laws.  Yes, I understand it's your in-laws making the divide. Yes, I understand it's their fault. But just hear me out.

Being a proper son/daughter in-law means you have to take the high road. Don't pander to their every stubborn need, but don't be a jerk either. They insist on the same restaurant? Get together ahead of time with the other family members, and make reservations to beat them to the punch. Now it's a "group idea" rather than yours. There's power in numbers, folks.

They nag you about your job? Remind them that it makes you happy and that's what's most important. Don't let their opinion of how you should live change your mind about your plans.

And if they insist on being the third party to you and your partner's life decisions, kindly take their advice and do as you please anyway.

See, stubborn people will always be stubborn. You can't change them; you can only help to call them out. In-laws "influence" is figurative, kind of like a store clerk who says that shoes that cost $500 are the best in the world, but the ones you like for $50 will do just fine.

Properly take their advice, just not to heart. Nod, say thanks, and go on your way. They'll be gone in a couple of hours. 

As always, if you have another manners question, I look forward to hearing from you at Follow me on Twitter @MannersQDT, and of course, check back next week for more Modern Manners Guy tips for a more polite life.

Do you have any recent graduates in your circle, or perhaps someone who is looking to start a new career, check out my new book, "Reply All … And Other Ways to Tank Your Career," for great tips and advice on job success. 

Read the original article on Quick and Dirty Tips. Copyright 2016. Follow Quick and Dirty Tips on Twitter.

SEE ALSO: 19 types of coworkers you absolutely can't stand

More: Features Quick & Dirty Tips Coworkers Relationships