You Might Want to Lay Off the Soul Mate Talk

Science says it could be messing with your relationship.


Here's a reality check: Thinking that you and your partner are "meant to be" could actually be bad news for your relationship, according to new research published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology.

Researchers wanted to see how different attitudes about love could affect your actual relationship satisfaction. They started with the assumption that there are two basic ways of thinking about love: As something that's totally meant to be, like a perfect unity (#soulmates); or as a complex journey where you have your ups and downs, but you grow from them. Then they primed study participants to think about love in either of those ways, and analyzed how that affected their relationship satisfaction.

To test this, they exposed 73 people in long-term relationships to either "unity" catchphrases (we are one, my better half, made for each other) or "journey" phrases (we've walked together, a long trail, look how far we've come). The participants were then asked to recall conflicts that they had in their relationships.

Interestingly, when considering conflicts, people who had been primed to think of love in terms of unity felt less satisfied in their relationships, while those who thought of their bond as a journey experienced no such dip.

They then repeated the study—this time priming the participants with image-based cues of each mindset—and found the same thing: In the face of conflict, people who were thinking of love as a perfect unity had lower relationship satisfaction.

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So why can such a romantic outlook actually harpoon your happiness? If you think you and your S.O. are supposed to be perfect for each other, any disagreement or conflict pretty much disproves the notion that you’re totally made for each other, explain the researchers. And it might even make you wonder if your real soul mate is still out there…

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But don't fall for it! Sure, fairytales, rom-coms, and our friends' obnoxiously-in-love Facebook pictures can trick us into thinking happy relationships have to be 100 percent rainbows with a strong chance of cuddle fests. But truth be told, relationships are hard, and Mr. Perfect doesn't exist—and that's actually a good thing! Realizing that your partner is a real person and not some idealized Prince Charming is crucial for getting through both the ups and downs in a relationship. So rather than toasting to soul mates on your anniversary, maybe just blast some of Drake's "Started from the Bottom" instead. 

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