I ain’t Mad At’Cha Bro: Open letter to Ryan Lochte

Dear Ryan,

You been taking a lot of heat for your recent shenanigans in Rio but I wanted you to know that this angry black guy is not the least bit mad at you bro. In fact I kind of appreciate you and the rest of the bros going to Brazil and doing your bro thing. You really showed them what America  white America is all about. You should be in the Broham Hall of fame for  what you did before and after that encounter with that Brazilian gas station bathroom (that had the audacity to be closed when the bros needed it most) was more American White American than eating apple pie during the seventh inning stretch of a Boston Red Sox vs New Yankees  game while some C-list celebrity sings Take me out to the Ball game (followed by God bless America).

ryan and boys

ryan and matt

Seriously bro–you dudes were on some certified American exceptionalism type shit and I applaud your high level of keeping it realness. Now you may think I’m being facetious for applauding you for keeping in real when it is crystal clear that you were lying through your Speedos when you claimed that you were robbed by some locals in Brazil but lets be real– You are not the first white dude that blamed a crime on some phantom colored person to escape the wrath of a society that sometimes forgets that with privilege comes an opt out clause when it comes to accountability. Their fault not yours bro, because this practice of evading responsibility for ones acts or inventing facts to coincide with a specific narrative is as old as the America (s)that Christopher Columbus “discovered”. I mean did Brain Williams & Hillary Clinton really come under sniper fire as they publicly claimed? All indications are they both lied– or as your boy Billy Bush would say embellished when speaking on their  dalliances with war zones.

Brian is still passed off as one of the most trusted names in media and Hillary barring a catastrophic upset from an even more duplicitous white American is on her way to becoming the first female president of these United states. So why should you apologize for simply being a typical American white male with access to fame and fortune? And who is Al Roker to judge you? He of all people should understand that you were well within your rights to trash a bathroom in Brazil for not being open when you needed it; lie about the facts of the case before fleeing the country without giving your fellow bros a heads up. I mean they’re good ole American white boys too–not your fault that they were slow to play their white privilege card. Speaking of Al Roker word on the street (actually word from the NY Post) is that he was reprimanded for his public rebuke of yourself so ignore that brother–he obviously does not get the fact that you are a white dude fully cloaked in and protected by the  umbrella of white supremacy/white privilege and that even though Tamir Rice (12), Trayvon Martin (17) and Mike Brown (18) were all considered men by the mainstream media that reported their justified murders, at 32 and in a third world nation full of scary brown people you and the bros are still just kids doing what kids do. And while Ralph Lauren and a few other sponsors dropped you for your “youthful” indiscretions thankfully Dancing with the Stars still honors your privilege card. So ignore all of the naysayers that say that you embarrassed America over in Brazil. You did not embarrass America you showed them the true America. Your actions in Brazil and subsequent non-plausible denials was the best representation of America put on display in the Olympics. At least the most accurate representation. Sure there was a whole lot of #blackgirlmagic on display over the course of the last few weeks in Rio but…

…none of the precious medal winning performances by Allyson Felix (track & field), Brianna Rollins (track & field)  Claressa Shields (boxing), Gabby Douglas (gymnastics) Daliliah Muhammad (track & field),  Kristi Castlin (track & field), Nia Ali (track & field) Michelle Carter (shot put) Ibtihaj Muhammad (fencing), Simone Biles (gymnastics) or Simone Manuel (swimming) at the end of the day matter. They do not hail from or represent the America that you do bro.  You represent exactly what the median white id looks like. The Ryan Locthe ethose is what America Murica is made of. You are what all lives and blue lives matter is made of. You are who both Donald Trump and Hillary for that matter represent. You are  America bro. And I ain’t mad at you one bit!



The Angry Black guy (but not at you bro)


PS Al Roker keep on stirring your drink bruh. I get what you really mean to say 😉