The Obligatory Mother's Day Post

In my career as a facebook stalker, I have discovered that virtually everyone thinks they have the best mother in the world. While the statistical improbability of multi-million simultaneous mutually-exclusive claims being true seems lost on most of the rest of the world, I am skeptical of those claims. They simply can't all be true.

Maybe the first one was the true one and everyone else is a copycat. Or, maybe the one who meant it most was the true one. Could there be a rotating best mom based on some logarithm? I'm not buying any of those theories.

I love my mom and I think she's awesome. That said, it seems absurd to make a completely unsubstantiatable claim of bestness.

First, assuming that one in seven residents of Planet Earth is a mother, that leaves one billion mothers to poll! At one per minute, it would take about 1900 years to do the interviews. Even people who are really bad at math can tell that is not possible.

See. My skepticism is not just me being a wet blanket, it is based on science.

Next, I wonder, are some of those people compensating for past misdeeds from their childhood? In other words, are they trying to bribe their mom out of telling the world what brats they were as kids? My mom is a writer. That cat is already out of the bag for me.

Then it occurs to me! Of course! It is all an elaborate conspiracy. Some of, maybe even most of, my friends on facebook, along with most everyone else, are cyborgs that don't actually have a mother. They are refugees, or worse, invaders from a planet where they are grown in a laboratory run by nefarious minds with no bodies. The "Best Mother" post is an alibi cover! What if they are trying to take over the world?

Only, I know the mothers of a lot of those people.

Maybe, just maybe, my friends are trying to express what they cannot touch with words. I get that, it's called writer's block. Some things just don't convey into language all that well. At least not into English. Maybe what they need is a prompter on facebook. Perhaps a form of adjective suggester would be helpful to broaden people's expressive horizons.

Since facebook isn't cooperating, I offer here a few modest examples:

  1. My mom is so persistent, she got an interview with Governor Jesse Ventura.

  2. My mom is so descriptive, she can elaborate about an escaped horse with at least seventy-five superlatives.

  3. My mom is so directionally challenged, she can find uncharted territory in the middle of a town.

  4. My mom is so first aid savvy, she can field treat most wounds in seconds.

  5. My mom is so good at Taekwondo, she has a black belt! Ha!

  6. My mom is so patient, she can make the best pot of beans ever.

  7. My mom is so tough she raised six kids like me!

So there you have it. Happy Mother's Day to all you moms out there, and to everyone who has a mom.