Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Black Women's New Enemy: VH1

As always, it's a tough time right now to be a black woman. The Oppression Scale of my beautiful black queen is near the top of the list, just behind women living in extreme Muslim sects and ALL the Native Americans (North & South included). So in 2010, when an admirable black woman is First Lady of the United States and Mo'Nique (of all people) has won an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress, the black woman is again under fire.

Why, you ask?

Because VH1 is actively and convincingly encouraging the only activity that pisses off black chicks more than getting hosed down immediately following an 8-hour session at the hair salon. That's right. VH1 is strongly encouraging black men to date outside the race, using its new Sunday Night programming between 10-11pm.

Back to back crushing blows are delivered to black women's desirability and collective self esteem, tastelessly an mercilessly, like Floyd Mayweather did to Shane Mosley in the final 10 rounds of Saturday's fight (and to Chilli's self-esteem. More on this later).

10pm: Basketball Wives

A gaggle of gold-diggers flock together for the purpose of squawking at each other, gossiping about each other, and engaging in all types of trifling activity while accusing everyone else of being even more trifling.

They dress like amateur escorts about to hit the club on a Rich Penis Mission regardless of the time of day or activity in which they are engaging. They socialize with other women they hate, go clubbing with them to confront groupies, only further stirring the pot of paranoia around being the trophy of some NBA player who is constantly on the road getting pussy thrown to him like a crisp chest pass.

This money-grubbing moral-deficient menagerie includes all types of chickenheads, one NBA team dancer (who everyone hates on cuz she fucks players, sees them more often than the wives do and has juicy info they're dying to get), and one viciously scorned ex-wife with vengeance on the brain: Shaunie O'Neal, formerly Mrs. Shaq.
(sidenote: preemptive pause here, but I'd be scorned too if I let the Shaq dick inside me for six kids worth of sex and then find out he's been sleeping around. She's ruined. Her vagina sags now like sleeve of wizard. You could probably store condiments in that thing. No one is gonna wanna hit that now. Ulgxh! She's pissed! Of course, if snitching-ass Kobe had just shut the F up none of this would have happened. But back to the topic...)

The one chick who is married to some bum off the bench and always yapping about how she's gonna leave him, and "I'm not ready to serve him with papers YET" just went shopping for a house with son on the last episode like that's gonna fix things. Soooo many things wrong there!

They go to Matt Barnes' crib with his wife and try to fuck up his marriage by asking son who all is faithful to their wives on his team, what has he seen. That crazy ninja held strong and Stopped Snitchin' like Carmelo would approve, but what the hell is that?! How do you go to someone's house and violate them over dinner like that? Who is that okay for? Chickenheads who no one loves, that's who.

"Stop Snitchin. Bitch."

And yeah, all the chicks in the cast are black, except for one plastic surgery catastrophe of a Dominican, aka black people in denial. Does this portrayal make me want to go out and meet a black woman to date? Hellz no! This makes me want to settle down with a nice Asian lady.

10:30 - What Chilli Wants

I always liked Chilli. Everyone did. How can you not? She's the dark sexy member of TLC who we all grew up with. But then she decides to have a show about how she can't find a good man, only for us to find out that she's a shallow delusional narcissist with unrealistic expectations and low tolerance for anything outside of her dream window. In case you're unfamiliar, the Chilli Checklist is as follows. Her man must:

Not drink
Not smoke
Love Jesus
Want kids
Have six-pack abs
Have a big dick
Live in Atlanta

Hahahahahahaha! She wildin! Where in the world at all are 10 guys who meet ALL those criteria, and will still connect with her romantically? Every episode some perfectly acceptable individual tries to woo her to no avail at all, because she thinks she can customize niggas like a new car.

Bitch you 40!!! Is a man with ALL those things going for him, going to want to settle down with a cougar with a middle-school aged son? Highly unlikely. The one dude she gave play to, Floyd Mayweather, dissed her so hard it was hilarious. Straight stood he up at dinner. On national TV. That's what niggas with everything going for them do, because they can get away with it. Kind of like their 20y/o female counterparts who end up with NBA players. It's a vicious cycle.

And this is a problem a lot of women have (more on this in another post). You can't have EVERYTHING. There are only so many NBA players, so many "ideal" men (who aren't NappyHeadedBros, ahem). Get YO shit together, and things might work out a little better.

I would never date a black woman again if it were up to these two shows to shape my whole opinion. I bet some white dudes left their black girlfriends after catching an episode or two. Me and Jazzy Jen are having problems because of this! (j/k on the last part)

VH1 Sunday Nights at 10: Makes Brothers Run and Hide!

Once More 2 Ya Door,


Epitome said...

VH1 has been knocking down black women one sew in weave at a time since the premiere of the coonerific flavor of love saga *sigh* and the public eats it the fuck up...mainly due to other black folks tuning into watch the train wreck (they has white train wrecks too (rock of love/that dude who lived in his parents basement show) but they never took off like the shucking and jiving of their black counterparts...sad. Its so bad that I've decided to create my own race (name and release date TBA)

But Chilli....somebody needs to knock her upside the head with an old fashioned straightening comb cause....for lack of a better term...bitch is straight illin B.

Funny that VH1 used to be geared towards 30 something white folk with shows like pop up video...oh I'm the only one who remembers that? Fawck yall then

NC17 said...

The funny thing is that most chicks don't see the problem with this crap, they're just happy to see people who look like them on tv so they'll take it how they can, god knows that their hasn't been a real black sitcom since UPN closed up shop and these chicks are thirsty for some "girlllll" and other stereotypical quotes.

Alovelydai said...

Don't leave Brandy out of the convo...I stopped watching it b/c I love Brandy's music & I want to continue but that chick is unstable...

Truthfully I kinda dig Royce...she knows who & what she is & isn't trying to front for no one & the chick will drop it like it's hot in the frozen food section for a hot pocket!

But seriously watching these shows on VH1 (& BET) is no different than the Desperate Housewives of OC, NJ, NY & soon to be DC...women in general are exposing themselves to be judged as classless, gold digging, baby making, unambitious divas.

The Imperial WJA3 said...

Excellent entry. Just superb.

A2K-10 Virus said...

I don't watch VH1 because of the trash ass shows they put out just to make money because they could not make it as a music network. (Yes I remember pop-up video and Pants Off Dance Off).

Just another station raking in millions of ignant ass niggas and sean Coonery jezebels and charlotons. And everyone watches it: the poor, the affluent, white, or black. My Afrikan ass parents even watch this garbage and they usually just fucks wit CNN.

That being said, I am watchin every episode online that is out for Basketballer's Wives! After readin this post, I simply cannot miss out on sum chickenhead shit! Outstanding!

In watchin hoes ask Matt Nobody Barnes who cheats on they wives

A2K-10 Virus

Rock said...

Sometimes I feel like we contribute to the coonery, degradation of women and hogwash Tomfoolery we try to lightheartedly discourage others from participating in.

Today is not one of those days.

C4: 1

Chickenheads: 0

Anonymous said...

This is my first time reading your blog...y'all are a mess(NC country accent) but this post is 100..I hate the way black women are being portrayed on tv, ie: Flavor of Love(gold diggers),I love New York (nasty azz hoes), and now thanks to Chili, We're Stuck up boogie Bishes! then u got CNN doing segments like (Black women are never gonna find a decent man). I attend a predominately white institution and i continually have to prove that i am not like those birds who participate in a "chicken wing eating and 40 drinking" contest just to win $250 that will most likely be spent on getting a lace front put in, instead of feeding her own kids...UGH sometimes Black Women piss me off!

Akira said...

lol, wtf anonymous. Youre mad at how black women are portrayed on VH1, but you go on a stereotypical rant at the end of your comment?? Chicken wing and 40 drinking contest? Lace fronts instead of food for their kids?? Boo.

khaki la'docker said...

im with dai on this one... that brandy show kills me- esp Ray "check my bank account" J.

Agreeing with this post all the way. I watch Basketballs Wives simply to laugh at the hypocrisy. They call chicks groupies because they chase wealthy sacks yet all, except for one, are ex's of some "famous" ball player whose sacks they once chased.

Please dont get me started on Chilli... Im thinking about giving her the "bitch please" award two weeks in a row.

Eury said...

well said. But you can't blame VH1, it's a business. Blame Black women for feeding into the bullshit, no one should dictate the type of person you desire, but you.

We need to 1.be realistic. 2.Stop forcing it, maybe if you spent as much time bettering yourself as you do looking for a man we would be better off. and 3. Fall in love for the sake of love, everybody is trying to get married "before its too late" not realizing that's what's hindering their chances of marriage in the first place.
--my two cents


Anonymous said...

@ Akira...The "chicken wing and 40 oz drinking contest" is real...and annual. They have it at this club every year...The lace front comment is real...thats what she said when she won the money. Stereotypical or not, its real

forever.original said...

Im confused... so what if their men see's them on TV and finds this out like.... Cant this show ruin a relationship showing ur gold digging ways.

and I hope people watch the show to realize how stupid they look on tv. Its pointless to me. Like the bad girls club, trying to find men on Oxygen. Why would u need a game show?

Flavor Flav should be paid for all these dating shows that be starting. The only true show that I am reallly reallly watching is Tough Love.

Rock said...

My fav is "More to love," where the dude gets his choice of plus size women....no, really. I'm serious.

betterunited said...

Black women new enemy is the black man. We are disrespected, humiliated, disregarded and stomped on my no one more than the black man. They are the ones that make us hate ourselves. The black man is solely responsible for the destruction of the black women/community.

Rock said...

That comment is so disturbing to me, I feel we need to revisit it. Email me your thoughts in detail. Showrocka@gmail.com