Friday, November 25, 2016

Trump Decrees Hungry Hungry Hippos Match

President-elect Donald Trump has determined that his two finalists for the position of Secretary of State, Mitt Romney and Rudolph W. Giuliani, will fight it out in a winner-take-all, best-of-five Hungry Hungry Hippos cage match. It will be shown on pay-per-view cable television at a date to be determined. Insiders expect it to take place before the end of November.

Las Vegas oddsmakers had initially picked former New York Mayor Giuliani as a 5-to-2 favorite. As a New Yorker and a former prosecutor, he has a bit of a reputation as a street fighter. Former Governor Romney, on the other hand, has a reputation akin to that of mild-mannered comic book character Richie Rich.

However, it was revealed late on Thanksgiving Day that Mr. Romney is a life-long Hungry Hungry Hippos player. A leaked manuscript of an unauthorized biography detailed his long history with the game. As a youth, he spent three years training under famed coach Dirk Bollettieri, who has coached ten world #1 Hungry Hungry Hippos players. Although Mr. Romney never played professionally, he was a nationally ranked junior player, and was heavily recruited by several pro teams.

As Governor of Massachusetts, Mr. Romney often used Hungry Hungry Hippos to resolve disputes among his cabinet members. More than one weak player resigned in frustration, unable to secure the Governor's backing for funding their departments.

Mr. Giuliani had been publicly predicting a three-to-zero sweep in the match, but has now retreated to his mountain lair, presumably to train.