Saturday, December 23, 2006

Happy Birthday to Me

It is officially my birthday - it's one hour and 31 minutes into it, actually. Birthdays have never been a really big deal to me - it's hard for them to be when you're born on Dec. 23. But there are times when I've wanted it to be a bigger deal and it's hard for the people around you to figure out when it matters if you're generally so casual about it. Sometimes being casual is just a defense mechanism, but I guess we all have some of those.

I have had a couple of really special birthdays, and a lot of so-so birthdays and a couple of really bad ones. My guess is that my average is about like everyone else's. Whether they're good or bad has nothing to do with the age I am, but with the circumstances surrounding the day.

And it's not always easy to tell which it will be. One of the ones I expected to be the worst was one of the best. This one is shaping up to be a nice one so far.

Whatever will be, will be. It's another day of life and for that I'm thankful.

At this time of year I am reminded of how blessed I am in so many ways. I'm healthy, I have a home I love, I have friends and family I adore, I have a job I enjoy that I'm good at, and daily life overflows with so many "perks" it's incredible. And I am happy - delightfully happy - I have been most of my life. That's not to say I haven't spent some time at the therapist's office, but overall I have always been happy on some level.

As I enter my 45th year on the planet I am thankful that I can say that it all ended tomorrow I would have lived a full life. I've been given love and benefited from grace. I've given in to my whims. I've been needed and wanted and I have returned the same. I have hungered with a passion so intense it was overwhelming and I've calmly moved into choppy waters knowing they're dangerous. I've loved and lost and loved again. I've cherished the moments and counted the hours. I've longed for love and cried over spilled milk. I've walked away and run toward. I've left things behind and carried some of yesterday with me into every tomorrow. I've begged - and given -forgiveness. I've grieved, I've grown, I've gathered myself and my thoughts. And I've always known the sun's gonna come up in the morning. Some things are givens. And some things are gimmes.