Five biggest mistakes couples make during divorce

By Melinda Ayre|

I have been through a family breakdown with two children - and it's up there as one of the toughest times I've had to navigate in my life.

It combines high emotion with a myriad of practical steps that have to be taken, such as property and money divisions, child custody arrangements and adjusting to a very different looking future.

According the the Australian Bureau of Statistics, in 2015 alone, there were 48,000 divorces and a whopping 42,000 children affected by these marriage breakdowns.

Rachael Scharrer, went through a difficult separation back in 2012, with two children to look after and uncertain how to manage the division of assets and adjust to co-parenting. When she was unable to find the resources to answer all her questions - she set up her own online support service, Divorce Answered.

To help others steer clear of the five biggest mistakes made during divorce, Scharrer, shares her top tips with 9Mums:

1. No lawyer 
“Having direction from professional legal counsel is essential, even if you are self-representing. Each judge varies, as some are supportive while others are less so. It’s important to know what information is relevant and useful to bring to court as judges’ patience can wear thin quite quickly. If you cannot afford a ‘full time’ lawyer on your case, then consider asking one to check over and provide advice on documentation (letters, proposals, agreements, etc.) before forwarding it to the other party.”

2. (Mis)Using the kids

“If divorce is a game of chess, the children are not the pawns. Don’t pass messages through the children or use them as a therapist. Oversharing with kids may be considered a form of child abuse. Don’t let children make decisions or manipulate them against the other parent. Also don’t speak poorly of the other parent in the presence of the child or children. Not denigrating the other party is a common parenting court order. Ensure that children are allowed to be kids and protect them from any adversity between the parents and the new situation.”

3. Not negotiating

“Being unwilling to negotiate can result in a negative financial outcome. Don’t let pessimistic feelings or issues get in the way or affect the choices you make during negotiations. Carefully consider all offers for negotiation before making a decision. Starting negotiations with realistic expectations is a necessity as you could end up spending $50,000 to gain only $30,000 in assets. Don’t intentionally withhold funds to ‘crush’ your ex-spouse, as the judge and mediator will not look kindly upon this because it is considered a form of domestic violence and financial abuse.”

4. Intentional debt

“Running up debt on purpose prior to financial settlement is not a good idea. Avoid buying unnecessary and expensive possessions or renting an extravagant property ‘just because you can.’ Underhanded tactics may receive a similar retort. Exemptions are occasionally permitted in financial settlement and it could work against you. Depending on the lawyers and judge involved, legal fees paid may be counted back into the asset pool. Be mindful not to rack up a huge debt with your lawyer either. If you declare bankruptcy, your legal fees and child support are not excused. All legal fees will need to be paid eventually.”

5. Giving up
“Don’t play victim, become passive and give up. Signing everything over to an ex-spouse is generous but also defeatist. This is not a fair and equitable outcome for you. Depending on your age, recreating a secure financial future may be difficult or limited, and this needs to be a consideration. Everyone requires some sort of financial security including the ability to rent, obtain and service a loan and have funds saved for a rainy day, in the event of redundancy, illness or family concerns.”

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