When those around you don’t understand the abusive affects of a narcissistic relationship.

Overcoming narcissist Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw.

If you have lived with, being in a personal relationship with a narcissistic person, it’s extremely hard for you to understand what’s happening at the time, difficult to understand afterwards and process and even harder to explain to others what you’ve been through.

At the beginning when you start to process it all most of us find it’s so unbelievable even though we lived through it, and to us, it feels even worse saying it out loud. It’s hard enough for those who been through it to understand it all, and those who’ve not been through it just don’t seem to get it.

In all honesty, I’d like as many people as possible to not understand as that would mean they’ve not had to suffer at the hands of a narcissists manipulation, unfortunately far too many people have. Those that have are often left feeling crazy and powerless and extremely frustrated coming to terms with it all, often left with anxiety and depression in place of who they truly are, not always but most often left with a loss of possessions, isolated from friends and family, and those who they thought they had left, the narcissist has got in there first playing the victim, smearing the true victims name and telling their lies and false story’s very well, so when the person who’s truly suffered speaks out, or reaches out for help and support, they’re often left more confused, distressed and frustrated as those around them either don’t get it, or believe the real victim is crazy whilst the narcissist swans off into the sunset, with their new victim, and the old victims personality and belonging until the mask drops again.

It’s frustrating yet understandable when you hear yourself telling others or the police, or the narcissists new partner, that you didn’t harm the narcissist you reacted because they provoked you, so they could use it against you to cover up the abuse they did to you. As who would do that to someone, yet as those who’ve been with a narcissist know those with a narcissistic personality disorder do it. Or that what they are saying happened did happen yet, it was the other way round and so much more happened.

When your trying to reach out and help the new victim, yet the narcissist has already smeared your name on how crazy you are, how you want the narcissist back, how you’re the one doing the stalking, and as they’ve also been infected by the narcissist’s manipulation they turn to the narcissist for reality, leaving you looking even crazier to the new person and backing up the narcissist stories, even though you are the one telling the truth.

What makes it worse is as you’re so frustrated dealing with it all, trying to explain or in some cases with police having to explain yourself to others, who’ve not been there, its very easy and normal for you to become extremely upset or lose your temper with those who are not understanding what your saying as they’ve not lived it.

People need to be educated on the narcissistic personality disorder, but you need to remember its not their fault they don’t understand what a narcissist has done to you, or how you’re reacting.

The same goes for those who go back to the narcissist, they don’t understand the trauma bond that needs to be broken, it’s hard to break free so you don’t go back. It takes an average of seven attempts to get out and stay out, some make it out the first-time sine it takes a while longer, through doubts and fear.

Most will not have told people what was happening whilst it was happening and most narcissistic people will have painted to perfect picture to the outside world at the start, then slowly and carefully smeared the real victim’s name.

You have to remember how hard it is for you to come to terms with and you lived through it, so you have to try as hard as it is not to react or get over emotional, towards police when the narcissist had pressed charges against you. Not to go trying to warn the new partner as frustrating as it can be as you know what they are about to go through.

You have to be as reasonable and as rational as possible, gather as much evidence as possible when it comes to court cases, messages and photos.

It’s hard coming to terms with everything you’ve been through, some shout it from the rooftops, which is actually what we need to get it out there known and understanding to those who have and haven’t lived it, others shut down and shut themselves off, they need to know how they feel is normal, is relevant and people do understand.

Even those who haven’t lived through it and want to help, may not understand the severity and look at you confused, or worse ask if you’re exaggerating. This is horrible when you’ve been mentally and possibly physically tortured, you may have been told by the narcissist no one would believe you. Then when you speak out people say. ”I’m sure it wasn’t that bad.” you want to scream it was and in actual fact, it was much worse.

When you’re left with guilt and the blame, then reach out and people ask. ”what did you do?” or ”it takes two to tango.” it’s even more soul destroying and can set you back.

No one deserves to be abused mental or physical not matter what. No one.

In most situations, people don’t go around doing stuff to others for no reason or destroying others, yet people with a narcissist personality disorder do just that.

Narcissistic people will torture others for no reason at all, often by torturing you to provoke you, then blame it all on you. ( the narcissist’s reason is to make themselves feel better, most narcissists believe nothing is ever their fault.) so if you blamed you-you were never the narcissist.

A narcissistic person will not see others opinions, values, they will not see their own mistakes, they will not be accountable, they will not be sorry. ( false apology if they have something to gain by doing so) you can not reason with a narcissist. There is no comparison or understanding with a narcissist. You can not help a narcissistic person, they don’t believe they’ve done wrong.

People on the narcissistic personality disorder live in a different reality to those who are not, often believing their own lies and that all others are to blame.

You will never get your feelings validated from a narcissistic, they are not listening and they don’t care. They are only hearing things they’ll be able to use against you in the future.

Most people want to resolve life’s problems and other people’s problems. A narcissist wants to win at all costs.

Narcissistic people triangulate, they want to pull everyone they can onto their side, including friends, family, police, judges etc, as they will feel deep criticism and believe you’ve turned against them when you try to take control back of your own life.

It’s even more hurtful when those who don’t understand trauma bond don’t understand why you don’t leave, why most often those who’ve been through it will tell you to get out safely, yet will also stand by you when you stay or go back, as they understand trauma bonding is hard, leaving is hard, staying out is hard, they also understand that when you do finally make the choice to get out and stay out you’ll need someone.

Remember those who’ve not lived through it will not fully get it. You know what happened, you know how you feel, you’re feelings are valid and those who’ve lived it understand and know how you feel.

Wherever you are if you’re out, do your best to stay out and keep going, if your In get out as soon as you can, but do what’s right for you and stay safe.

2 thoughts on “When those around you don’t understand the abusive affects of a narcissistic relationship.

  1. Wow!!! This article blew me away!! So I have a unique situation and find it hard to find others that are in this kind of relationship. I am dealing with a narc who is a child. She’s now 14, going on 25 yet emotionally at a 5 yr old emotionally. Her biological mother is also a narc and bipolar. This child was diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder plus several other diagnoses. I am with the father and have been for almost 12 years now. It’s insane what I’ve been through. We have 3 other little girls who I find my duty to protect (obviously) but with this situation, it’s pretty intense. A lot of ppl say, well she’s a child and you’re an adult. But dealing with the manipulation and triangulation and physical abuse and I could go on, child or not, it’s never ok!! I keep my other children out of it as much as possible. I’m at the point of “grey rock” because I came down with an autoimmune disease from all the stress!!! I’m so done with that. I love my other half and he sees what I’m saying now, took awhile, but I’m so grateful he does!!! But yet we have other family who do not understand and I dont find it’s my duty to explain anymore, I dont have the energy for that.
    Sorry this is soooo long but this article really hit me hard and GOOD!! We are at a point that I said we do counseling together and intense counseling (we’ve been here and done this multiple times but she always finds excuses and argues and flips out) so we will see. As much as I want it to get better, I know it won’t. It’s like these ppl come and go in seasons or phases. She gets sick of her biological mom and then her dad and then her grandma and then she switches to me, it’s a cycle. Who gives her what she wants, who pities her at the moment, it won’t be me anymore. As sad as it is. I dont feel bad anymore. I need to get myself back in order, for myself and my other kiddos ❤❤❤

    1. Yes your health has to come first for you and the other children. Don’t worry about judgment do what’s best and right for you, others haven’t lived it you have. It sounds like she might have underlying issues and pain that she’s hiding from within herself and acting out, causing other problems to mask her actual problem. Counselling might no be helpful as it’ll not get to the deep-rooted underlying cause. She needs to dig deep and face the pain of whatever hurt her so much in the past, to heal and appreciate her family. Stay strong, look after yourself first, as the happier and more positive you are, the happier your children will be, sounds like you’re an amazing women and have done all you can to help. X

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