How to be Sick and/or Disabled

Josh Appel, Unsplash







a) I am a good person

b) I take good care of myself.



















Audi Nissen, Unsplash


Vlad Kutepov with Unsplash






Woman Being Comforted, Unsplash

From All Mothers, Everywhere

To my son the drug addict…

Jeremy Paige on Unsplash



I can’t stop the questions, because I can’t believe you!


Orkham Farmanli on Unsplash



Becoming Codependent

Baynard 9/2017












Child of Mine, I Have Words for You

Words, words, words.

I have so many words for you, child of mine

I have words for your child too

I want to let you know what I know of the world


I want you to know what my version of the truth is

I have words for you and I yearn to speak with you


You murder me with your disinterest

You stab my heart with the shuttering of your eyes


That time has passed and where did you go?


Even when it is your own


I’ve learned so much \ and wish to give it on

Wisdom hard won, needs no more from me

Can you use the wisdom, the knowledge, the experience

Have you dismissed the use of any that came before you?

I care nothing for information that any schoolchild can gain



You murder me with your disinterest

You stab my heart with the shuttering of your eyes

You have traveled close by for the entirety of your life

Your body stays your mind doesn’t engage

           At least not with me

Child of mine, I have words for you

Pillars of Creation

Repeating, Wondering, Turning, Getting & Desiring

I am constantly repeating myself to doctors. I’m explaining my medication and my health goals. Doctors don’t listen very well.

I am wondering why doctors can’t understand a wholistic view of my health. Why must I go to so many doctors to get an understanding of what is happening with my body? Pain management, Rheumatologist, Endocrinologist, gastroenterologist, general practitioner, orthopaedic surgeon. Theoretically my GP should be managing all of the pieces of my health care and coordinating that care. I have never met a GP who was interested or prepared to do that.

I am turning to alternative medicine. These practitioners are kinder and more welcoming. They don’t have answers either, but at least they are interested. CBD oil anyone?

I am getting tired, indeed, I am exhausted by the pursuit of wellness. Sometimes the news is good, sometimes it is bad. Mental health is a problem. I have been diagnosed with dysthymia recently. Ugh.

I am desiring that my disability claim is approved. I have worked very hard all of my life. For over a decade I had two jobs. I went to school at night to increase my earnings. I have been working since 1972. Why would they deny my disability benefits? What work can I do with exhaustion and brain fog taking over my life. We manage my pain in a painful way: surgeries, cortisone shots, trigger point injections and Neurontin. I cannot function in a professional environment. Why is my claim for disability being denied. I desire fairness in this world.

Love not Hate

To the Haters in this World

Look, I get it.  There is nothing fair or correct about the world we live in today.  Every deck is stacked against us, from taxes to home prices, to minimum wage and to how our mother-in-law treats us.  It’s all wrong.

The worst part is looking at our own body.  We are not beautiful enough, we are not handsome enough and if we just had enough money to get the best plastic surgery, we would be fine.  Why is that woman so beautiful and I can barely stand looking in the mirror?  Why is that guy so cool and I can’t flex my muscles like that ever?

Why do I get rejected?  Passed over for promotion? Make less money than (fill in the blank)?


Please stop blaming successful / good-looking / beautiful people for the unfairness of the world and for the unfairness of your beauty, or lack of…  Understand that the world produced what it did and your hate won’t change it, improve it, make it better.  Your place in life may be where you landed, but it doesn’t have to be where you end your life.

Give into the idea that love and inclusiveness is the only way to make this world better.  Hurling hate on the internet and at traffic lights will not give you a better outcome.  It will harm you, it will make you a worst person.  It is up to you to bring a message of love and admiration.  Aren’t you happy when someone is wildly successful?  Or does it just bring thoughts of your own lack?  If so, if you can only realize your own lack, then you must fix your way of thinking.

Begin thinking in a way that makes you the winner.  There are thousands of books and websites that can show you how to do this.

In the meantime, quit hating.  Successful people should not be blamed for their success.  You can’t blame a man for being handsome, or a woman for being beautiful.  Get the hate thoughts out of your head.  If you can’t switch it up to love, then switch it up to neutral, indifference.  You don’t care.  Let it go.

In the meantime, start loving.  Start with yourself first, be yourself’s best friend and admirer.  Tell yourself dazzling stories about you!  Find your fault line and push it, so that you can authenticate the you that you are.  Of all the universe’s that you exist in, the you that you are is the best you.

If you give some love away, you will be surprised how fast it will come back to you.  Hate does the same thing.  Don’t you want love coming back at you rather than hate?

Quit blaming the more fortunate for the unfortunate hand that you were dealt.  Yes, you have reason to be disappointed, angry and hurt.  This didn’t happen because of others’ success, it happened for whatever reason that it happened.  It’s a moment in time and it will pass.

In the meantime, you have what you have, find the philosophical shrug and deal with it.  And, for “cryin’ out loud” give love and watch it multiply back at you.


Duck Lips

Parenting 200

We Begin in Earnest

We begin parenting in earnest…

As I get older and embrace being a grandparent, I see myself moving farther and farther away from parenting.  What I have found is that the person I am, to be a mother, changes with the age of my child.  Additionally, it is not the same person that I am, to be a grandmother.

When I am mothering, I am enmeshed with my child.  I am in their faces, I want to know what they are eating, whether sleeping, and are they having bowel movements?  I am in their business completely because for this time, I am responsible for all consequences of my actions and my child’s actions.  No matter how things fall out, I am the one that pays the bill.

As time moves through childhood, boundaries begin forming and I can gradually back away from the heightened alertness of caring for the infant.  As the child ages, I will allow the child to make small decisions and also to face consequences for those decisions.

We know that kids will sneak candy and overeat.  They may suffer from a stomach ache as a result of the decision.  During this phase it’s important that I draw a line between the decision and the consequence of those decisions so that my child can recognize that a relationship exists.

The teenage years demand heightened sensitivity and heightened awareness of my child.  The enmeshment continues as we discuss, on a daily basis, activities and futures to consider.  While the physical requirements of child rearing diminish (I am no longer feeding and bathing my child), the emotional requirements ramp up.  The intensity engulfs parents and children.  Safety becomes an overwhelming concern as we contemplate safe places, safe people and safe situations to allow our children to engage with.

As my child ages, I am going to back off more.  There comes a time when my child will tell me if I am making parenting mistakes.  While there is feedback that is ridiculous and you would never listen to it, most of the time, we should be listening if our child is willing to let us know that we have made a parenting mistake.  If you are interested in a healthy relationship with your child, you will listen very carefully to feedback.  The point is, you are communicating and as long as that is true, you can stay close to your child.

We C Each Other

Nineteen years ago (it has now been 30 years), Jill and I had our very worst argument and it was because I refused to accept her adult decisions.  I wanted her to go to college and “become” something, she rejected a scholarship to Penn State and instead, decided to get married to her high school sweetheart.  The argument was bitter and it cost me dearly – as I did not attend the wedding, I was not invited.  Almost two years passed before her father died and during that time I had no contact with Jill and my heart hurt the entire time.  It was a lesson in how to love your adult kids, nothing is worth losing them.

Acceptance is one of the most powerful gifts you can give to your adult kids.  Youth (15 to 29) is a time of fear and anxiety and our current culture is much less forgiving than any culture that preceded it.  Our adult kids need to know that there is at least one safe place to land, and that place is home.  If it’s not you, your kids will find a place to land and that place may not be safe.  Acceptance is a key principal for success with your adult child.  But, only if, you are interested in continuing a relationship with your adult child.

All humans have an inalienable right to self determination.  America has worked hard to preserve this right.  Adult kids have these rights and even more-so as they struggle with the clumsiness of their own independence.

I recently read an article in the AARP Magazine [April/May 2019], it was funny, yet serious.  The title is “How to Get Your Kids to Hate You”.  The author did a great job of illustrating these issues with the following checklist:

  1. Track their (adult kids) movements
  2. Make gifts to your kids conditional
  3. Offer outdated and outmoded ‘help’
  4. Provide ‘constructive’ criticism (I don’t even know what this is)

It is hard to change from enmeshed parent to fascinated friend, yet you do not have the right to tell your son who to date.  You don’t have the right to tell your children what vocation they will practice.

We Adult Kids

Approving or not, your children have the ability to do exactly as they please and if your disapproval is too painful for them, they may just shut you out.

Chronic illness: Things I learned and things I know

via Chronic illness: Things I learned and things I know

I haven’t been any good at acceptance.  I haven’t even been able to say that I can see my limitations.  My self-identification has gone from “I’m strong.” to “I’m weak.”  What’s wrong with me?  Why can’t I realize that my life has changed and I don’t have a vote in how it has changed?

I can still be strong.  I just need to find new ways.  As for acceptance, I don’t know how I will get there.  I’m still screaming and kicking and it’s been two years since diagnosis, the illness has been present much longer.

I do know this, in America, it sucks to be sick.  Not only am I not healthy, but I am broke and overwhelmed with how financially disabling my illness is.  I can’t wear make-up on most days and I certainly can’t function enough to work full time.   No one wants to hear about my illness (not even my doctors).  It’s always frustrating to be sick.  America loves beauty and health and abhors the drag of chronic illness.

Every holiday extracts a huge price.  I need a few days just to recover from all of the family festivities.  It’s worth it, holidays are one of the things I can look forward to and enjoy completely.

Still figuring it out …

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