They Are Like Looking Into A Portal To Your Future

Balls are weird, and basically spitting in the face of evolution. There's way too much skin, which ends up making them look like sad, bloated, flesh-colored raisins covered in hair. And that's part of the problem - they're so wrinkly, they basically serve as a vision of what the rest of your body will look like one day, when you're old and weary and near death. They're like two crystal balls dangling between your legs, reminding you of your own mortality.


Theyre the male equivalent of breasts, except awful

Here's another thing about balls: they sag. The older you get, the lower to the ground they dangle. Which makes sense! They're just hanging there, and gravity is just going to do its thing over time. In other words, they're basically the dude version of breasts, except with no ability to provide nourishment to the young.

Also they look like rotten peaches that were left out in the sun.

Women have to deal with their breasts sagging more and more over time - which is why they have to deal with bras, to give support to 'em so gravity has something to contend with. Dudes can use briefs or boxer briefs, but why trap your balls like that? Who are you trying to make your balls look good and not sag for?

Then again, by the time I'm 70, I won't be able to wear shorts without the tips of my testes hanging out, so what do I know?


Dont teabag your toilet, dude

A dude is taking a risk every time he sits down on a toilet - if the water is unusually high for whatever reason, or he takes a major #1/#2 combo that raises the surface level of the toilet water, he can run into a dangerous situation where his balls might dip into the water like a damn teabag.

You know, not ALL animals have their testes dangling helplessly between the legs, like the world's saddest pinata. Imagine if that happened with other organs - your heart dangling from a sac sticking out of your chest. It'd look ridiculous and unnatural. Same with my toilet water soaked balls.


They stick to your leg because sure, of course they do

The worst and most constant problem with balls is that there's nowhere for them to go. Pants don't have a built in ball-zone for them to fit snugly into, so they end up sticking to the side of either leg. Normally, this isn't too bothersome, but it can get REAL bad when it's humid out and you have this weird hacky-sack constantly sticking to the side of your legs.

Easily the worst smelling part of your body by the end of the day, no matter what

Like, your balls are made to stink. It's true. All that excess skin, grody ball hair, and prime location betwixt your thighs make for stink central. Even the most well-scrubbed balls smell 25% worse than any other part of your body by night-time. Go ahead - smell your knee, then smell your balls. Tell me which is worse.

Spoiler: it's the part that has advice columns about how to de-stankify your gross testes.


Baseball is pretty much the least physically-demanding major sport there is (no, I'm not counting golf, because that isn't a sport). You spend 50% of your time sitting and not really participating, 40% of your time standing still, and only about 10% of your time swinging a bat, running, or throwing a ball (and that's being generous). It's so non-dangerous that the basic uniform is a shirt, some pants, and a baseball cap - none of which provide much in the way of actual protection.

But your balls? Your  balls need a cup at all times, even in fucking baseball. Because they are so intensely weak and sensitive, that even the lightest hits could send you to the ground, writing in pain. It's like you're a Zelda dungeon boss, and your balls are the part of you that's flashing so Link knows to hit it with a sword.