Þæs ofereode, þisses swa mæg (000_hester_000) wrote,
Þæs ofereode, þisses swa mæg

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Yes, I'm asking my flist for help again. Yes, I know I'm pathetic. :P

If anyone can get even halfway through my emo ramblings about why I'm crazy and tell me if they make any sense at all, it would be helpful, since I'm hopefully going back to the college's psychologist person, and I want to be able to explain what's wrong with me as succinctly and clearly as possible so I can actually, you know, get advice on wtf I should do.

K. My problem is that I'm... not exactly depressed per se, but that's the best starting point. (I think I've confused my main psychologist as to what exactly I am, since she said she was wanting to put me on antidepressants, but then didn't after realizing that I wasn't actually depressed.) I was depressed a few years back, was on meds for it, blah blah blah, but that was quite a while ago. Although that seems to be pretty much cured (except for seasonal depression, which I still have cuz I suck), somewhere in there I seem to have managed to lose most of my motivation. Admittedly, I wasn't one of those super achiever!people anyway, but I at least was easily able to keep up my grades, etc.

For the last few years, I guess I just really haven't been able to bring myself to care enough to actually really do anything. It's sort of like I lost (most of) my fear of failure. So even if I have something that I know I have to do, and I know that there will be consequences if I don't... even though I really do want to do it, I still can't actually bring myself to. My mind goes completely blank, and I feel tired and numb and I end up not being able to do even a simple task.

(Admittedly, I'm probably not afraid of adverse consequences because I'm good at wiggling out of them... although to be honest, I have no clue how I do it. It just sort of... happens.)

At the same time though, I seem to always have energy for anything that isn't required. So, on the one hand, I always seem to have too much to do and not enough time, but on the other hand, every day seems so very long because I just want to do something, and have nothing to do. Yes, I do know that I'm a moron.

Now, I've always been a procrastinator. Until last year, it worked, because I would always panic so much at the last minute that I was able to make up the time that I had wasted before. (I remember once having a month to do a project on Great Britain. I didn't get started until the weekend before it was due, and was literally lying on the floor crying over how much I had to do and how stressful it was. Then I ended up getting a perfect score on it, and was mildly surprised.) And then, sometime last year, that also just stopped as well, for no reason that I've ever been able to discern. So now if I have some big project to do, I wait until the last moment, and then... decide that I'd rather go do the laundry.

Oddly enough, in Sophomore year, I had a spell where I miraculously got my motivation back. It was odd, because on the whole, that year really sucked. I felt sick and tired all the time, and ended up with more weird irrational fears than ever. And then, for some unknown reason, that Spring I suddenly was trying to get everything done, and did way more than I needed to for my classes. At midterm, I was failing bio; I'm pretty sure that my final grade was an A. It was all very odd. And then, the next year... it all disappeared again. Honestly, no idea why. One of my biggest problems is that I'm fickle, and things seem to happen for no reason in my world.

Of course, over the years, people have noticed this about me, and tried to get me to, you know, do things. I've ignored them, for the most part. I think that people who have tried giving me advice probably now think that I'm not interested at all; actually, that's not true at all. In truth, I desperately want to have someone to turn to for advice. The problem is that I have ridiculously high standards. I can't listen to the advice, however well-intentioned, of the people I know, because in knowing them, I know that they are all very flawed people. If I follow their advice to the letter, I'll logically only turn into a copy of them, which wouldn't be helpful at all.

As stupid as it sounds, I really do want to be told what to do. I've never followed anyone's orders in the past, but that's because I've never met anyone who I trust enough to listen to. For instance, I don't pay attention when my mom tells me to do stuff, because I know that she's critical, passive-aggressive, and often wrong... so what gives her the right to think that she's qualified to tell anyone else what to do?

I wouldn't feel happy seeking out an expert in any field I need help in, because I presumably wouldn't know much about this person beforehand. I could never be happy taking advice from a person who I didn't wholly respect, and how could I respect someone I know nothing about?

What I really want is to meet a person who I could actually respect. Since I have contempt for most people, because I'm a bitch (although I'm at least not being egotistical here; I myself fall into the category of contemptible), this is a lot harder than it sounds. Basically, I want somebody who I'm so in awe of that I'll actually listen to them when they tell me to fill out twenty job applications every day. "You absolutely must have a job," s/he'll say, and I will reply, "Of course, sensei," and run to the nearest McDonald's and beg for a job. Of course, because I seem to be extremely talented in making things difficult for myself, the only people who I truly respect this much are either: a. dead, or b. fictional, so no help there.

Yes, I do know I'm being creepy and extremely illogical. I just need to know how to explain this more coherently, so I don't just confuse poor psychologist lady to death.

Tl;dr: Life doesn't suck, but I can't bring myself to care, and no one is cool enough to tell me otherwise.

On the other hand I at least know almost for sure what my living arrangements are for next year. I'll be in a four-person room with Nicole and two girls who are friends of Sheng. One is named Nia, which makes me think of Death Note; the other looks like Clow Reed &hearts. And yes, that is a complement.
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