Yesterday was a really good reminder of what it is like to live with chronic pain. I say a good reminder, but maybe I mean a hard reminder.

If you're new around here you may not know much about this chronic business of daily headaches and migraines. The basic deal is for the last eight years, I have had what is categorized as chronic daily headaches and migraines. Which means you have more than 15 headache days in a month (the healthy person's average is less than 4) and your long-lasting (more than 4 hour headaches) can be often categorized as migraines (what makes the migraines chronic is having more than eight in a month - and many people can go their whole life without ever having one.)

Anyways, yesterday was a doozy. This was the kind of migraine where you wake up in pain, nauseous, and honestly unsure how you're going to make it to the shower. I did shower, I did make it my 6:30 AM class, and I even made it in to work...for two hours. That is a new record, actually. That is when I said, oh crap.

A long time ago it became apparent that these headaches and migraines were going to have a lot of power over my life, my time, and my actions. Which, obviously is not ideal. But the reality of the situation is I cannot always control my body, and sometimes my body controls the situation.

It has remained true that work is not like college, or even high school. This "real life" doesn't come with skips, and honestly it barely comes with justifiable sick days. For someone who could easily be considered sick eight or more times a month - that just doesn't work. That means I go to work with a migraine. I go to the gym with a migraine. I go to meetings, and class, and the grocery store, and I proceed with life.

If I didn't, I would miss out on almost a third of every month.

But yesterday I had to give in. I had to say that the pain won. I had to sleep for 7 hours right in the middle of the day. And I had to feel like a total twit for leaving work after just two hours.

Because the kicker about chronic pain - whether it is headaches and migraines, or your knee, your shoulder, your back, or your pinky - no one else can see it. This isn't a physically obvious pain (except for the fact that my face reads preeeetty clear on a day like yesterday.) This isn't a broken bone, you don't need stitches, there are no bandaids.

So it is incredibly hard to explain that it physically hurts my whole body to drive the 40 minutes to work, to sit up in bed, to walk up a flight of stairs, to look at computer screen. Everything in me throbs and aches, and shoots pain, and stirs up nausea, and makes my eyeballs feel like they are about to shoot right out of my head.

If you've had headaches, you might have an understanding of that type of pain. But if you don't get headaches, if you've never had a migraine, there is no equivalent. There is no way for me to explain to you why I can barely talk to you because my teeth actually ache, and I think my head is going to make me puke.

People with migraines develop a higher pain tolerance, and people with chronic migraines an even higher one - I think though, we must also have such a low threshold for guilt. I know the moment I realize that a migraine is about to effect a whole day, like I did yesterday morning, I feel that guilt. I feel guilty because I know it's a hassle. I know it's an annoyance. I know it's hard to explain. I know it will enviably make more work for other people. And that leaves guilty.

Like I said, I've been dealing with this for a while. I'll be dealing with it for a very long time.

I know that with the pain, will come the guilt. I won't say that's okay, because it's not. But I will say if nothing else a day like yesterday makes me so grateful for a day like today. With just a rebound headache and a handful of "how are you doings?" boy, that helps. That helps get through those days were you just want to slice off your own head and move on.

No comments