Þæs ofereode, þisses swa mæg (000_hester_000) wrote,
Þæs ofereode, þisses swa mæg

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The announcement that isn't actually an announcement

I'm done with fandom.

The reason why this isn't actually an announcement is because it isn't meant to imply any practical act of leaving: I'll still occasionally read fandom-related posts, and maybe still post some fic or some art. (If nothing else, I know I still owe chlothar a fanfic.) It's more an announcement for my self than for anyone else. What it does mean is that I've decided not to care about fandom anymore.

Not because I'm walking off in a huff or anything, or because of something that's upset me. (I can't imagine leaving for any reason of that sort anyway . . . . ) But it has gotten to a point where, without any active dislike, I just don't really enjoy it anymore. More than that, it's unhealthy for me.

When I first discovered fandom, it was an amazing thing for me; I'd never realized before that there were other people out there who really cared about the books or manga they read, the TV shows they watched in the same way I did --- other people who wanted to write more about what could happen in the characters' lives or what they were feeling at a certain moment in canon. I loved being able to read the fics that everyone else had written (even the ones that weren't very good!) and to look at their fanart.

Then it morphed into this thing.

I realized that I can write better than a lot of other people in fandom (not surprising given that most of the fandoms I'm in cover a relatively young age range), and it became a matter of ego: if I write xyz number of fics, I will have proven how important I am. I don't think I've actually enjoyed writing anything I've written in a long time. Actually, I did enjoy the most recent fic I wrote. But that was written after I'd already made up my mind to leave. So. Case in point.

All of this is so horribly silly. Fandom's a hobby. It's not my job or something. And a hobby is supposed to be something you do because you enjoy it --- not to gain admiration (which would be a silly goal for me anyway, given that my fics were never that popular) or feel superior to someone. Anyway, the truth is, I haven't read anything that anyone else has written in about a zillion years. Every time I have encountered someone else who wanted their own writing to be praised and yet couldn't be bothered to read other people's stuff, I thought they were being incredibly rude. More than that, no one I've met who behaved like that has been a balanced person; they've pretty much all been trying to use fanwriting as a means of padding their egos and hiding their insecurities. . . . I'm really in the same boat there.

Don't actually enjoy something? Don't get anything specific from it? Then don't do it.

From here on out, I'll only write when I genuinely want to, not because I've made a list of 100 fics I "have to" write. >.>
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