Sunday, November 4, 2018

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 5th November 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. If you make an appointment on Tuesday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Thursday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Tuesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Sunday.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
The number 5 will have special significance on Sunday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th
You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility idiot. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Something about the number 22 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Wednesday will keep your mind occupied. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Friday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Why will the color yellow be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Thursday. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Wednesday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you see anybody this week who looks like Mahatma Gandhi, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.

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