What It Means To Be ‘Aromantic,’ According To Experts

It’s not the same as being asexual—or single.

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Jenny Kschadow found the perfect guy. He was easy to talk to, fun to be around, a great concert companion, and he really loved her. Problem was, Kschadow didn’t love him back.

In fact, she’d never loved anyone—romantically, at least. She couldn’t even wrap her head around what that felt like. After Googling "can’t fall in love," she learned there was a term for people like her: aromantic.

"I immediately thought, that’s me, and was excited to have found a community to engage with," says Kschadow, a 28-year-old in Leipzig, Germany.

What's the definition of aromantic?

Aromantic describes people who "experience little or no romantic attraction for other people," says Bella DePaulo, PhD, a social scientist in Santa Barbara and author of Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotypes, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After.

That’s different than being asexual (a.k.a. not experiencing sexual attraction), though the two can—and often do–overlap, says DePaulo. One Journal of LGBT Issues In Counseling study of 414 Americans found that almost 1 percent were aromantic and 0.7 percent were asexual. (It’s unclear how many were both.) Another not-yet-published study out of the University of British Columbia in Vancouver found that about 27 percent of asexual people were also aromantic.

"It’s important to use the term because it gives aromantic people a language to legitimize their experience," says Phillip Hammack, PhD, a psychology professor at the University of California Santa Cruz who studies sexuality. "In the past, it was considered pathology—something was wrong with you. Now, we know that is not at all the case."

And being aromantic doesn’t mean you can’t experience other types of love or develop strong connections to others, DePaulo points out. It also doesn’t mean you can’t or don’t want to be in a relationship.

Kschadow, who still experiences sexual attraction, has a partner who feels both sexual and romantic attraction. This setup works for her because she loves the commitment and companionship; she just doesn't experience that same euphoric feeling that comes along with romantic love.

Think you might be aromantic?

Though the identity operates on a spectrum and can be fluid over your lifetime, experts and aromantics say these are some common experiences:

1. You can’t relate to romance movies or books.

    When a character on a TV show fell in love with two men at the same time, Kschadow’s mind was blown. "I remember thinking how weird it was that there were people who fell for two people at the same time, and I had never even been in love once," she says.

    If that sounds like you, you may be aromantic. Such experiences can be confusing, though, and may prevent people from realizing they’re aromantic, says DePaulo. "Romantic feelings are so widely celebrated, and so often portrayed as inevitable in everyone’s life," she continues, "that it’s hard for anyone to believe that they just aren’t going to experience those kinds of feelings."

    2. You’ve made up a crush.

    Similarly, it’s common for aromantic people to pretend they're into romance because that’s what they’re told is normal. "When other people share their fantasies about becoming romantically involved with particular celebrities, aromantic people may try to get into the spirit," says DePaulo. "But it doesn’t feel natural because it’s not."

    3. You’ve never had "butterflies."

    Maybe you’ve gotten butterflies before a big test or important performance, but when it comes to other people—even someone you’re drawn to—nada. As Kschadow puts it, "I've felt attracted to people, but to me, it never seemed the way other people experienced it. It's always been clear to me that what I felt was never a crush, or being in love."

    In her current relationship, she says, she feels happy and content, but a different type of happiness than her partner. "Maybe I feel less excited or euphoric," she explains.

    4. Valentine’s Day is so not your jam.

    Hate Valentine’s Day? Join the club. But while the holiday is widely disliked (for legit reasons), if you’re aromantic you’re not so much bitter about it as you are indifferent.

    "We can think of romantic attraction as being more emotion-oriented and more cognitive in terms of the romance script: 'Sweep me off my feet and send me flowers and pay for my dinner,'" says Hammack. "People who are aromantic don’t really have an intrinsic interest in any of that. It’s not something that appeals to them."

    5. You’re a dedicated friend.

    Being aromantic doesn’t mean you’re not drawn to others, it just means you’re drawn to them in non-romantic ways, whether that’s their looks, intellect, vibe, or something else.

    "Healthy aromantic people probably have close friends and other people who matter to them," says DePaulo. "Empathy isn’t the same as feeling romantic. We can empathize with children, parents, and all sorts of people for whom we would never experience romantic feelings."

    What to do if you're aromantic

    It’s up to you to communicate to potential partners exactly what being aromantic means to you. Is a long-term relationship appealing, or does it sound like a drag? Are you an aromantic asexual, or an aromantic who’s into sex? Do you dislike PDA, but are cool with cuddling at home? Whatever your answers are, own 'em—and be open about them. The people who deserve you will totally understand.

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