Jul 26, 2013

Seeds of Change

 Summary: Challenging perception of reality; feeling outcast by failure to conform to imposed standards; symbolizing reform on popular notions of sex and intimacy and commitment; standing out despite my best efforts to hide; holding true to personal beliefs; encounter with visiting member of my own kind to remind me of my purpose and origin and that I am be looked out for with restrictions.

Morning of July 26th 2013

My partner, Jim, and I wake up (in the dream) to discover our son is somehow home early from daycare, and his family (distant and immediate relatives, spirit ancestors I didn't recognize) were arriving for an upcoming wedding. "Did you bring him home?" I ask Jim, who had come home early from work himself. "No." "Why is he home?" I find the journal his daycare provider and I use to write notes and daily progress about Link back and forth, a sort of check-in. She had wrote that she was taking an impromptu afternoon off because a girlfriend was in town and the girlfriend dropped the kids off at their homes. How irresponsible and impulsive, I thought! [My daycare provider would never do this?! How weird that this is the second dream using her person in a rather negative way. The dream coder just needed the shock that would provide, I know.] She should have told us and checked that we were even awake and ready to care for him.

What's worse, Jim's family is judging us irresponsible for having been asleep while the kid roamed around the house unattended, and still thought us as such for choosing a provider who would do this. [In my reality, she is an amazing provider though. Maybe guilt biting back because I feel her pushing the threshold of being overworked? Not really the point though. Since doing my 9 month dreams analysis, I am learning to set aside analysis based out of emotion and doubt and fear. There is a greater message. It has a place in the puzzle.]

The wedding preparation are moving along. I am uneasy, if antisocial. I have the memories of recently having my own semi-wedding with Jim [not really, again this is a representation of my feelings]. I feel very outcast, setting myself apart from the bustle of the wedding planning and celebration. People ask me about my wedding. I explain in frustration, partially to Jim for clarification of what he keeps letting slide in his own conversations, that we did not have a wedding. There were no vows, there was no ceremony, or honeymoon, or kiss, or declaration of commitment. Our benefactor paid for the space and we didn't want to waste it, so we had a non-traditional gathering for fun, more than anything else. We rebelled against the expectation that we should be getting married. His family ignored me. They didn't like my inability to 'commit' in this formal way.

My behavior was partly driven by the old-fashioned beauty of this cousins wedding, and all the fuss granted them by his family. I yearned for this beautiful celebration that would only have the same treatment and effect by doing it the traditional way, which I did not want. I felt deprived because I didn't fit the mold and couldn't accept tradition, and thus felt exiled from being part of the family.

I sought quiet and refuge outside. This building sat next to a bar, where a few regulars hung out in the cold. I preferred to be with them, though everyone inside would deem these drunks to be more dangerous to me physically and emotionally than the family at the wedding, which I didn't actually belong to. At least these people couldn't judge and just might show some compassion.

An event was happening in the down town area. Kids dressed up like Halloween and went around to the stores for games and prizes. The town is set on bay front, with a large bridge across the horizon. The wedding had begun, and I was summoned back inside. As I came back in, a lonely, awkward man pointed me out saying "Hey, you're a stripper!" As though he just assumed that profession about me by looking at my outfit, and managed to guess correctly. [I am not really a stripper, though I have a stronger appreciation for the job than most.] No one can know that, so I try to silence him best way I could think to by not giving his comment any validation. I walked on.

I wanted to find a spot out of the way, where I could somehow last through the day without incident. Jim stood by a doorway and whispered for me as I passed. He recognized the difficult time I was having and saved me a space to do just what I wanted:  hide in a corner with my depression. What a thoughtful sweetheart.

The ceremony began with dancers on mats laid out around the areas of the rooms where guests were watching. I was dressed for it, I supposed this was a role I had been designated for, and joined the entertainment in the side room that overflow guests watched from. I couldn't remember learning the moves, so I imitated best I could. The main attraction was a contortionist who could vibrate her body in a spiraling ball so fast she became liquid, first as layers of cheese and then melted together. The feat took a couple tries and corrections. A leg would slip out of the vibration, or a... tail? When she was forced to break the act, she fell into a pool of water. There was no pool, it materialized in the air of her space, perhaps as a buffer, an impact absorber of the energy she had to generate to do what she did. The entertainment ended. Finally, I was out of this public's eye.

As I turn back to my corner by the doorway, that awkward man says to the room in awe "Wow, we are lucky tonight to see a woman of such talent in action." He looks at me. "She is a stripper!" As if it would impress the other guests. He was overly impressed by the chance to have seen me dance, though I was terrible compared to the other dancers. Shit. Just more fuel on the fire against me. I was exposed. I tried to explain cooley that he was mistaken, I was just a dancer.

I walked out in time for a kid to come through the door and give me large plastic checkers as monetary exchange for candy or a prize. "So what do you got for me?" "This place is hosting a wedding right now, no one is manning the store. It's not part of the kids' event. Only the central stores are participating. He wouldn't budge so I found some candy and gave him some. More kids were showing up. The wedding party was questioning where these kids were coming from. I walked back into the reception and tried to explain about the event going on outside, because they were treating the kids like wild dogs that had been let in.

Scene transitions:  My husband, a short, overweight, balding man with a temper argues with me about my work as a stripper. He doesn't accept I enjoy my work and provide compassion to lonely people. Everyone's stigma and unfair judgments on my character are annoying me. I go out for a walk, getting either offers and requests for my services, or verbal assaults. Returning back to my house, a man filling his engine with something remarks to me with humorous understanding of what I'm going through, though he is a random stranger who's luck supposedly placed him outside my house. Curious, I walk to him and lean against the front bumper beside him with a suppressed smile. "Well, how do you know that?" "Go back to him. He is apologetic and will come to understand." I look up to my house where my husband is filling my car with gas, the car he sabotaged because he expected I was going to work. The car magically starts up. I stare back at this stranger. I know him. He is like me. Sensing my inquiring thoughts but unwilling to answer, he simply reaches around to my back pocket to pull out change. "That'll be 99 cents." He says trying not to look directly into my astonishment. The change I kept in that pocket was secret... alien. No one would know about that currency and that I had it there except another person like me. "You... you're like me." His knowledge of this pocket, that I only remembered about when he made its existence apparent, proved to me the reason I didn't fit in was because I was a kind of sleeper agent, totally unaware, but long suspecting. I needed encouragement by reminding me that I was set here to nudge certain changes into place, one change being popular reaction to sexual issues.

He closed the car lid and moved to a car door to place the canister of liquid away. He was leaving and trying to make the break as easy as possible by not saying more than he felt he had to, and limiting this contact, though he felt for me and the fog I am left wading through all the time. The priority was for me to stay and continue to fight for the changes our people are there for. I rush into him, grabbing the clothing below his chest with both fists in desperate pleading. "Answer one thing for me, why are we blue-eyed, blonde-haired [though I had brown hair, and he had shaven gray hair that looked quite young]." As though he were caught, his eye color suddenly changed to brown, then cycled through a variety of common eye colors and shades. I watched in awe. We can change our appearance. I felt dread that I had finally found someone I related to so well, of comparable understanding and awareness, a living clue to my origins and purpose, and he had to leave me here. The payment of alien currency was a fulfillment of help, a rarity that I had needed. He responded to a need, as check-in assistance for one of their operatives. Without the uniforms though. Without the organized training. I was mixed into the culture like a regular person with the seed of change, who felt she didn't belong as the only evidence of her true origin.

From books on Extraterrestrial Earth Mission I just found searching for information on what a walk-in is:

"The concept of a "walk-in" was popularized by New Age au-thor and channel Ruth Montgomery, who described situations in which the spirit of an individual would, for whatever reason, abandon a body and a disembodied spirit would walk in and take over. In that change, the memory of the person who left would be left behind, but the personality of the new entity would dominate. Thus it was that "Avinash" walked in and took over John's body. Shortly after Avinash appeared, the person that had been John moved to Hawaii. He was accompanied by a second walk in, a female named "Alezsha." In Hawaii they met a third walk-in, "Ashtridia." During the remainder of 1986, the primary teaching channeled by Avinash concerned the concept of mastery of limitation. The universe, he taught, tended to rearrange itself according to one's concept of reality. By changing one's reality, removing a sense of limitation, the world would change.

Removing a sense of limitation rearranges reality. First in you, the individual's sense of reality, and spreads to encompass and effect others' sense. 

I woke for real from this series of dreams and pulled up my laptop to check the time. I knew it was going to say 2:38pm, though that would mean I slept for four hours when I had hoped for only a short nap. Indeed, 2:38pm. How did I sense this? Is my internal clock is weirdly set to wake from a nap at that time? I've woken at this time before. It's enough time for me to have a snack and write more before I have to pick up my son at 5pm.

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