Amy Schumer Is Giving Birth To A Taurus, So Here's What She Can Expect


In her latest podcast, Amy Schumer revealed that she's "giving birth to a Taurus" and, call me basic, but I am here for the astrological analysis of what that actually means. So here's what to expect when you're expecting a Taurus. (Spoiler: it's mostly good news.)

Ruled by Venus, the planet of beauty, love, and contentment, Taurus (or The Bull) is the second sign of the Zodiac and ranges from April 20 to May 20. Like Ferdinand the Bull from the beloved children's book of the same name, Tauruses are gentle, down to Earth, practical, and like to live life on their own terms. They're never happier when they can just sit under a shady old cork tree and smell the flowers, but you should also beware their powerful kicks, sharp horns, and sharper temper.

Look, in my opinion astrology is more fun than fact, but there's no denying it is a lot of fun to take a deep dive into this ancient art of divination. How better to feel like you actually got into Hogwarts than by poring over star charts and big tomes on how mystical forces guide our lives? Witch, please!

So while no one's fate is written in the stars, here's what the constellations have to say about our wee ones babies born in mid-spring:

They're Stubborn From Day One


And, perhaps, even before day one, while they're still "baking." But you can't expect someone born under the sign of the bull (and a fixed earth sign to boot) not to be a bit bullheaded, right? The good news is, while they're stubborn they're not immovable. They often have their reasons for wanting things a certain way (more on that in a minute) and they just need a bit more persuading than other people.

They Have Big Dreams

Tauruses are wonderfully ambitious and, as a result, have a lot they want to accomplish and obtain. They have a determination and drive that enables them a clear, steady view of their desired outcome. You may not even notice your little Taurus was such a schemer until they've plowed through numerous challenges and obstacles and realized their dream.

In other words, don't be surprised if one night you just hear a "thud" only to discover that your little one has learned to climb out of their crib and you're like, "Oh wow, I had no idea we were even close to this stage!"

They Are Willing To Put In The Work


Is there anything more annoying that a hyper-ambitious but ultimately lazy person? ("Tell me again about the nightclub empire you're going to build, Tammy.") I just don't think so and, fortunately, you won't have to worry about that with your Taurus. They are work-horses — tireless and steady with their eyes on the prize. They know that hard work pays off and are ready to roll up their sleeves any time.

Tauruses aren't lazy when doing something on their own terms, but they are often slow to do anything on anyone else's. For example, don't be surprised if your kid is slow to clean their room when you've asked them to.

They Have A Good Head On Their Shoulders

Second only to an overly-ambitious but lazy person is an overly-ambitious but unrealistic person ("You can't have your nightclub empire staffed by specially trained flamingos, Tammy. But yes, that would be cool.") Again: this isn't a problem. Tauruses are down-to-earth and practical. This is going to be really nice for you in their teenage years, when their level-headed nature will probably prevail over their more wild friends (and because they're stubborn they'll win a standoff).

They Will Outlast You At Every Turn


Tauruses know how to bide their time. They are patient. This is great when you need them to relax and be chill because the pediatrician is running late or you needed to take them with you to the DMV. But this same quality may come back to bite you in the butt if you ever find yourself in a battle of wills with your little one.

You'll Need To Get The Sensory Toys Ready

Being of an earthy persuasion, Tauruses are super tactile. They like to feel dirt between their toes and the feeling of luxurious velvet against their cheeks. So don't be surprised if your little one can spend hours in a sandbox or playing with Play Doh or just running their hands along a particularly soft sweater you're wearing.

This may also translate into your child having a particular fondness for snuggling and, come on, who doesn't love baby snuggles?

They Enjoy The Finer Things


Tauruses have discerning taste when it comes to material possessions (it goes hand in hand with their tactile natures). This may come out in the form of materialism and, if unchecked, greed. So, yeah, be prepared for your child to not only have a tendency toward wanting literally every literal and metaphorical shiny object they see but to not particularly like sharing.

They Have An Excellent Palate

Again, their heightened sense of aesthetic taste and the value they place on sensory experiences mean that Tauruses are natural gourmands. Don't be surprised if your toddler loves sushi and heirloom tomatoes and truffle risotto while other kids are wolfing down chicken nuggets.

They Do Not Do Well With Sudden Changes


I mean, what child does, really? But with a steady Taurus who appreciates a steady routine, you may discover that they dig in their heels in a bit more powerfully than most if you tell them the plan has changed.

They're Dependable AF

If a Taurus tells you they're going to go your party, they will not text you an hour before it starts to tell you they're just not feeling it (that would be a Sagittarius, bless their flaky hearts). Your tiny bull will honor their promises and will always be there when they say they will be and when you need them. In fact, one of the only times they're cool with a last-minute change is when they're called for help.

They're (Over)Protective


The good news is that Tauruses will always fiercely protect their loved ones. The bad news is that this protective nature combined with their tendency toward greedy behavior can mean that they get a bit possessive. This may mean no one else is allowed to hug mommy because Baby Bull is hugging mommy.

I strongly suggest nipping this one in the bud. But redirected, this instinct is really beautiful and loving.

They're Extremely Honest

They don't have time for bullshit. Yes, pun fully intended.

But seriously, such a practical sign, particularly one who chooses their close relationships wisely, does not have time for games much less dishonesty. They are straight shooters and get to the point and, unfortunately, will be very up front about the fact that they think their cousin is being annoying.

Family Will Always Come First


One of my favorite things about Tauruses is how much value they place on home and family life. Their feet are on the ground right on their own hearth and they're extremely content there.