My son and the cats have been sleeping in my bed for at least a month. For a while it was cute, but now I’m getting cranky and resentful about it. Here are a list of my complaints about the communal bed:

1. My son is a bed hog. He splays his entire body throughout the bed so that I am wedged into a small corner, as if I did something wrong and need to wear a dunce cap.
2. My child insists on leaving the reading lamp on, and when I attempt to turn it off, even if he appears to be fast asleep, he freaks out and screams as loud as possible until I turn it back on.
3. I will awaken to one of the following sights or sounds at any given time at night:
a. One (or both) cat(s) purring very loudly in my ear
b. My son’s butt in my face since he has shifted sleeping positions
c. A cat’s butt in my face
d. The ambient light from the reading lamp, laughing at me because it is still on.

Needless to say, the communal bed is out of control. Please help me, readers. I need to transition my son back to his bed as soon as possible. What do I do?