October 26, 2011


This may be short and sweet.  It may get long.  I really have no clue because my thoughts and feelings are very jumbled at the moment.

At the moment?  Try for the last 5 days since my uncle passed away.

I am not the one who is hurt most by this sudden loss.  He was not my father, partner, brother or son, connections that bind tighter than uncle and niece.  Still, I feel so much.

I feel extreme empathy for my family members.  For my dad, aunt and uncle who lost another brother.  For my grandmother who lost another son.  For my cousins who last their dad, and my uncle's partner who lost her love.  And simply for the tragedy of it happening so suddenly and sooner than anyone was prepared for.

And right now, as I type this, I feel anger.  His death has been confirmed as a heart attack.  I just stopped crying over this. Too many heart attacks around me.  They seem to be my nemesis.  My husband has had two, my father one and now this.  Oh and there have been others.  The way I remember it as a child, my great-grandfather had one while driving which caused his death.

*Deep breaths* Reeling myself in before I start going off and dropping F-bombs and shit.  Oops.  Oh well.  Fuck it.

Grief.  There are stages and phases, it wanes, it waxes.  There is no prescribed amount of time it should last and everyone reacts to it differently.  I know these things.  I also know I don't have any answers.  I find myself simply shaking my head a lot, in utter disbelief with only an nth of understanding about how these things happen.

This is very hard for me because I always want to know WHY?  But I can't know.  Not about the complexities of life and death.  It's not for me to know.  It's not about me.  It's about God and universal flow and Karma and all that jazz.  I am but a spec.  My uncle is but a spec.  And I get that.  I am actually somehow comforted by this because I know it's not up to me.  God's got it covered, whether any of us can comprehend it or not.

Well, my uncle wasn't a spec to us.  He was a good uncle.  He was someone I've known my entire life.  His girls are at least 9 years younger than me and I helped take care of them when they were babies.  He bore an uncanny resemblance to my father, so much so that it actually creeped me out a little when I was a kid.  Yet on the other hand, their resemblance made him all the more familiar and safe.

Uncle Mark made the trip down to California for my wedding, and since we've returned to Washington, he's been there for many things.  He helped us move, he attended a couple of my kids' birthday parties and he always gave my kids a little something for Christmas.  Last year when my Mark was recuperating from bypass surgery, uncle Mark helped my dad take care of our lawn.  He was the guy we knew with a large enough truck to haul a couch, which he did for us twice.

I have always admired my uncle for following his passion for music.  He was a good musician and singer, beloved locally by many.  And he managed to make a living at it.  I am ashamed to say that my only experience seeing him perform live was exactly one week before he died.  Interesting thing is, I felt pushed to go to the Hometown Hootenanny that night.  We had been invited to come several times before but I had blown it off for one reason or another.  I am so glad I listened to the little internal voice telling me to go.

Mostly for me, I am rocked by the fact that another of my father's siblings is gone.  This is a huge thing to try to get used to.  It's always been the FIVE Hibbert siblings, Scott, Mark, Renee, Randy and Clay, in that order.  And I've loved them all.  Now Mark and Clay are both gone and I kinda don't know what to do with that.  I don't know how to process that this is happening out of order.  Not only among the five of them, but also that they've gone before their mother.  It doesn't make sense, and it sucks to feel like you're counting down the people in your life.

And then there's the fact that I had to ask my dad to talk with me about his plans and wishes for when his time comes.  I want to know exactly what to do, no questions.  I need my mother and step-father to do the same.

This fucking sucks.

11/1/11: Linking to Lovelinks!


  1. Ah Jen, once again I am so sorry that you and your family suffered such a great loss. Thinking of you and here to support in any way I can.

  2. I am so, so very sorry. Your love for your uncle is so strong and clear. Take your time grieving. It's always a shock to lose someone, no matter how old or how young. Will continue to pray for your family.

  3. He knows he was loved. That is the gift you can give to each and every one of your family and friends. It's a gift that never goes out of style. And we all need it!!

    Be true to yourself and follow your heart and love your peeps and leave all the rest to God.

    Love you for ever...

  4. Thank you for sharing your Uncle with me. As I was reading your post I was thinking to myself that having your blog is a great way to express your feelings. I was thinking how would my daughter get these feelings out, she doesn't have a blog or keep a journal. I am so sorry for the loss your family is going through. My grandfather passed from a heart attack, my mother passed from a heart attack and my dad had a stroke 27 years ago. He is now 88and had a pace maker put in last year. Here I am overweight with high blood pressure. Time for me to change my life. Thank you for the wake up call. ((HUGS)) Keeping all of you in my prayers.

  5. I'm so sorry for your family's loss. xo

  6. Loss is so hard. Especially when it comes expectantly. Thank you for sharing him with us.

  7. I am so sorry! I lost an uncle this past Saturday. Like you, I feel like his cause of death is now surrounding me. He found out he had cancer in March and lost his battle too soon. Since March it seems like at least once a month another family member announces that they too have the evil cancer. Again, I am very sorry for your loss. I know that no words can ever ease the pain. I wish that the peace will come to you soon.

  8. I'm so, so sorry you've lost your Uncle. grief can be so painful! Thinking of you..

  9. I'm sorry for your loss Jennifer.

  10. Jen, I'm so sorry for your loss, and your family's loss.

  11. Oh Jen... I'm so sorry for your loss sweetie.

  12. My heart is broken for you and your family. I am so sorry for this loss. Coping with grief is so hard and so not fun... but there is wisdom and vision and strength that come from it. (((hugs)))

  13. Jen, I'm so sorry for your losses. I've lost a number of people by now, some to heart attacks. I miss them all - that's not going to change, but it begins to hurt less. I hope that it begins to hurt less for you, and that you find some comfort in knowing that you have more time with your dad and other loved ones that remain. ((hugs))