Common Outlook Consulting Inc. New Perspectives
April 2015 - Issue # 15-04

Founder's Message

Identity-based Conflict.  The phrase itself sounds daunting (and perhaps vague and confusing too). Simply put, we define this as a situation where our "sense of self" - how we see ourselves and/or define ourselves - feels threatened or under attack.

While the notion itself might seem grand, we think of it as very practical and ever-present.

If a prospective client says to me "I'm disappointed with the proposal you sent; it lacked creativity", I could easily go down the path of telling myself "I'm no good at winning new clients" or "I don't have a creative bone in my body, and I never will".   Alternatively I could go down the path of saying, "This client is so dumb. They just don't get it - they never do", or "This person's a jerk - they're just saying that so they can negotiate a lower fee". 

In either scenario, there's an identity component that serves as a foundational element of the conflict at hand. If we're blind to that dynamic, it will run the show. But if we become aware of it, we have at least a glimmer of hope of managing it. Read this month's article for pointers on how to do just that.




"No one is always anything. We each exhibit a constellation of qualities - positive and negative - and constantly grapple with how to respond to the complicated situations life presents.   
~ Stone, Patton, and Heen - Difficult Conversations 




Remember that we're all people.  No matter how skilled, how powerful, how weak, how strong, we all have good days and bad days, good times and bad times, sensitivities and hypocrisies. No one is perfect. Try to see yourself and others in a more realistic, nuanced way.  It will ease your path. 


Coming Up  


Next month we'll tackle one last sticky subject related to conflict management before moving on. We'll ask: Is the way we see ourselves (specifically, our attachment to our "tribe" - our family, culture, team, etc.) helping us, or is it keeping us trapped in conflict?




Managing Identity-based Conflict               

Success. Failure. Triumph. Defeat. Good days. Bad days. Compliments. Insults.

All of these (and more) can trigger our identity - our sense of who we are - and before we know it, we can find ourselves in an identity-based conflict; sometimes only with ourselves, in fact.

Managing the vagaries of identity-based conflict is not easy. It is perhaps one of the trickiest parts of resolving any conflict. Why? Because unlike the conflict itself - which can actually be resolved and therefore "go away", our identities are always with us. The identity issue is not so much a problem to solve as it is a dilemma to manage. It will be with us all of our lives. This is why we called this article "managing" (versus "resolving") identity-based conflict. 

While it may indeed be possible to come to terms with an identity issue over a period of time, it is not something that happens easily or changes quickly. In any given moment - or in any given conflict - therefore, the focus needs to be on how to manage the dynamics stirred up in ourselves and others.

Read more  


Peter Hiddema


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