Citigroup's shares just came within pennies of breaking $3, causing many investors to wonder if the stock could go all the way down to zero. Of course, that is always a theoretical possibility with any stock. But in the case of Citigroup, your shares will never be completely worthless. Because we'll buy them from you.

Here's our offer:

  • Tender Your Shares For $1. Our bid is technically a takeunder because the shares are trading above our offer. Very far above our offer, in fact. Because we're not offering $1 per share, we're offering $1 for the entire company. There are 5.4 billion shares outstanding, which means we're paying you such a small fraction of the dollar that we probably won't even let you look at it. That's right, you don't even get viewing privileges. But something is better than nothing, right?
  • Limited Liability. We're pretty worried about the unknown unknowns on and off Citi's balance sheet. The known knowns and the known unknowns are scary enough. There's no way we're taking that kind of exposure on. So we're planning to buy Citi through an offshore limited partnership based in the Cayman Islands.
  • Your deposits are safe. The government is backing your deposits with us, so you really don't have to worry that we have no idea how to run a bank. That's the great thing about deposit guarantees: your money is safe with dummies like us.
  • We're confident our counterparties will remain confidently confident. Did we say confident enough times to make you confident?
  • Our first class workforce will be there to serve customers. Actually, this isn't quite true. Only about 10% of them will keep their jobs. But we're sure they'll find jobs elsewhere, and they'll give you same great service there that you've come to expect from us. Think about how great this will be: when was the last time you were asked if you "want fries with that" by a bond trader?
  • Your chance to buy our valuable businesses. As soon as we buy Citi, we're going to sell off all the most valuable business. We have no idea how much these would be worth, so you can probably get a great deal from us. The current management is stubbornly refusing to sell. The only way you are going to get your hands on the good parts of Citi is to let us buy the whole thing first.
  • We'll make history together. Think about becoming a footnote to the footnote in history about us. It will be glorious.