Friday, April 1, 2016

SuiteSports Endorses Donald Trump

By Joe Parello (@HerewegoJoe)

SuiteSports is thrilled to announce that, on this, the 1st day of April, 2016, we are officially throwing our support behind Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump.

In this time of great danger, America is at a crossroads. What this country needs is a uniter, someone that can bring us all together and keep us safe from those who want to harm us, domestically and abroad.

Furthermore, we can no longer afford to hide behind the cowardly shield of political correctness. Americans must be frank with each other, and tell it like it is with regards to terrorism, trade, race relations and gender equality.

We here at this humble sports/culture blog cannot think of anyone more uniting than Trump, a man who has been sued for denying African Americans access to his apartments, who has used openly offensive and sexist language towards women, who has stated that most immigrants coming from Mexico are rapists and murderers, who has called for the banning of an entire religious group, and who once mocked a reporter with a disability.

He truly is bringing all groups together.

As for keeping us safe, can you think of a better candidate to protect us from ISIS, domestic terrorism and other threats than a man with zero government or military experience? Or a man who openly mocked John McCain, a prisoner of war in Vietnam, who was tortured, then offered early release by the Vietnamese, but denied it unless every man captured before him was released first? Keep in mind that McCain was beaten so badly during his five-and-a-half years as a POW, that he can no longer raise his arms above his head.

But hey, Trump he did attend a military themed prep school in New York. Basically the same thing.

But Trump's military and foreign affairs brilliance doesn't end with complete ignorance of war strategy and valor. No, the man has also made blanket statements about "bombing the $#it out of" broad stretched of the Middle East, murdering the innocent family members of enemy combatants, torture and doing away with the Geneva Conventions.

And let's not forget his totally not apocalyptic plan to just let everybody in the world get nuclear weapons (except Iran), because if there's one thing that will insure the continued survival of the human race, it's more actors with the capability to wipe out all of humanity.

But what we like most about Donald Trump is that he tells it like it is! Never mind that PolitiFact has rated 78 percent of his most well-known claims to be "mostly false," (17%) "false," (42%) or "pants on fire." (19%)

When the majority of the things that come out of your mouth are in no way based in reality, you know you're not politically correct! Or, well, correct.

But either way, he still speaks frankly about terrorism, and the threat that Obama wants to bring 250,000 Syrian refugees into the country (not even close), and about trade, where he's always quick to point out that China is killing us! He should know, as his Trump line of suits and ties are made in China. Someone should tell him that those jobs don't go to China unless greedy American businesses send them there…

I also don't think I need to tell you that this man will ease racial tensions in America. As he said himself, he "has a great relationship with the blacks."

Well, okay then.

And who could be more sympathetic to women than a man who suggests that they should be punished for desperately seeking an abortion, should the basic act of healthcare, done routinely in hospitals around the world, become illegal in America. But, even with the controversy that statement generated from left wing nuts (and several prominent pro-life groups), Trump still stuck to his guns… For about three hours.

In the spirit of the Donald, this decision was made unilaterally by myself, and with very little consideration. We here at SuiteSports once held different beliefs, but now that the political winds seem to be blowing toward Trump, we are changing our stances to appeal to more readers. We have also become Evangelical Christians, and if you say anything bad about this article, it's probably just because you can't handle our faith.

In other news, Batman v Superman was a masterpiece, Tom Brady knew nothing about those deflated footballs, O.J. didn't do it and, of course, April fools!

1 comment :

Chris Shirling said...

Great read Joe. After reading your article, instead of not voting at all this November I now, like you, am thoroughly behind The Donald!! NOT!!!