MANBAND is Joshua Carpenter, Matt Gentling, and Chad Pry

So you want to know about the MANBAND, do you? The scourge of the neighborhood, no less they are. I can't even read the news-paper or watch my programs because of the MANBAND. They must have started around the turn of the century, I mean the most recent one, that's before I stopped calling the po-lice on them. The po-lice don't do no good, all these young people are in cahoots with one nuther, I'll tell you that much. They started out and I knocked on their door, I did, must have been 2003. I about nearly arched a loaf when I saw them. One wearing short pants that used to be pants but cut-off with a hunting knife or some such. One was wearing an orange jumpsuit! I nearly called the prison to get him returned but my Wheel of Fortune was about to come on.

Don't get me wrong, I like me some music. I don't understand why they have to change music, as a matter of fact. Seems like just yesterday all the children was playing the latest grand march tune on the victrola and there was no teenage pregnancies and such. The MANBAND doesn't do no marches! I'll tell you what they do:

First off, there's that infernal gui-tar. Now I like me a gui-tar ever now and then, but I ain't akin to this racket! This sounds like a god damned bob-cat gettin his privates twisted in a barbed wire fence, if you ask me, and if you've heard that you know what I mean. Whew! Them screeches!

Nextly, there's the drums. There's too many ofem! Now, I know in my favorite marches they have a few drum players. This band has upwards eighteen, twenty-six member! And it don't make sense! I think I saw a few of them smoking a mary wanna cigarette in they back yard and if they try to kill me dog I really am gonna call them cops.

And final, there's this low rumble, always comin out of that place, like they tryin to tame a volcanic or somethin. There ain't no volcanic round these parts! What are they doin? Listen, I'm from the Piedmont of North Caro-lina, and where I come from, these music-players had a certain charm, a certain charisma about them that set them apart, that made them great. I don't have no clue what this musical nonsense coming from the MANBAND is that sounds like the Earth is rumblin and the angels are bowlin, or somethin, I don't know.

That's all I wanna say about them. I mean I tell ya, I went over there sayin, "Turn down, turn down!" Alls theys was to do was keep playin, and I was think I hope I make it out of this room alive befores I turn into a twisted heap of hearin things that god didn't make me to hear.