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Goodbye Days

I have allowed myself to be sad for far too long, and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of spending the days just lying around and being sad all day. I'm sick of people telling me that I'm worthless, that I'm nothing, that I'll never amount to anything. I'm tired of people using me as their personal tool over and over—for free. I'm tired of all of that.

Depression has really hit me hard this week and the week before. I spend my days alone, locked in a room, and I've allowed my sadness to swallow me whole. I tried to do something else, something different, but my depression and sadness just kept pulling me down, holding me back, and I couldn't do anything about it. It's because I've let my problems get to me, my financial problems, family problems, friend problems, and more. I've let them manifest into this being of pure evil whose only intent is to bring me down.

And, to tell you the truth, it has brought me down. It made me depressed, annoyed, irritated, lazy, and hopeless. This being, this creature inside me, just kept on getting stronger and stronger every time I allowed it to completely ruin my day—and it had a high success rate. I tried asking others for help, but I couldn't find ones that could even care about helping me out of my situation. No one would. It's like 2013 all over again, but this time, no one's there to help.

This creature inside me made a living ruining my happiness and destroying what I was trying to rebuild. It was ruthless, and had no intention of stopping. I tried to scream for help, but only a few helped, and they only helped for a while. The people that once cared for me no longer do anymore. I'm on my own in this one.

Then the clock struck midnight.

A time when the monster feeds on whatever happiness and hope I got left. I was in complete ruin, up to the point where I was eating my dinner all teary-eyed. This is the point where I had let the monster just win, and I had given up.

On that moment, all I could hear are their voices. You're desperate. You're a waste. You should just get a job at a fast food joint. Give up your dreams. Stop using the computer because you'll never do anything great on it. People only talk to you because they need you to do something for them. Lol you're dumb and ugly. I tried to reason and politely ask them to go away, but every time I spoke, the voices, they got louder and started shouting.

That's when I broke. "FUCK IT!" I said, and I immediately woke up and all the voices stopped for a second. They retaliated by shouting, but, at this point, I was furious, and I screamed back at them. This was the point in my life where I didn't want to listen to those people dragging me down. This was the moment I took a stand.

The voices in my head, depression, and that god-awful creature that sucks happiness are giving their all just to further bring me down again. But the thing is, I'm putting up quite a fight.

I'm not going to let that creature win again. The same goes for those people. I'm not gonna let anyone take advantage of me again and I sure as hell ain't gonna allow anyone to bring me down. It's time I make my own voice be heard.

If my best isn't good enough now, then I'll improve. If my improvements aren't good, I'll make them better. And if some people might never label my work or I as "not good," then to hell with them.

The point is, if I let their words get to me, they'll win. If I don't let them get to me, I'll win. It's a constant game of defense, but now I want to start playing it seriously. I'll make sure that I'll win every single time I play, that's for sure.

At the end of the day, I know I have all these problems to deal with. I know I have depression, but today, I'm going to make sure depression doesn't have me. So I'm putting those horrible stuff on the shelf, and I'm going to say goodbye to those lonely days.

P.S. This post's title was mostly inspired by Taeyeon's song of the same name (lyrics/video). For the lazy, it's about someone having the courage to start over again and say goodbye to their lonely days.

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