Thursday, October 31, 2019


We carved pumpkins on Tuesday because I'm a go-getter. They were beautiful. True masterpieces.

I'm like you, and everyone else ever in the history of the planet, in that I loathe pumpkin carving. It's messy. It's gross. It's a pain in the arse. Then I eat 300 pounds of pumpkin seeds and the next morning wake up and crab-walk to the bathroom like the exorcist girl except faster, etc.

You know. All the same problems you have with pumpkin carving.

But I make us do it every year because the carved pumpkin is trick-or-treaters' green light.

I already get a depressingly-low number of kids at my door every year. Last year we had like 8 and most of those were people Skylar goes to medical school with who dragged their pajamaed children out of bed at 9:30 after Skylar texted them and said I was sad because almost no children came.

If I didn't put out the pumpkins WHO KNOWS what desolation would await me.

Skylar refuses to help with the pumpkin carving because he hates it the same amount as all of us but he doesn't care enough about the trick-or-treaters to put up with it. So he just sits in the kitchen and watches me do all the work and eats 300 pounds of pumpkin seeds and fights me for the bathroom the next morning.

Usually I carve the pumpkins two days before Halloween and put them out on the porch and things are fine. We don't have youthsshshsssss in our neighborhood who are out for pumpkin destruction. They are always left intact. So I don't usually have a problem with this practice.

But. This year it is so cold in Salt Lake City that [some joke. I don't know you guys make one I'm tired WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO DO ALL THE HEAVY LIFTING AROUND HERE]. It legitimately dropped to 12 degrees the other day.




This is basically unconstitutional but it takes so long to challenge things in the courts that by the time we get in front of SCOTUS it will be [insert same joke you made up from above].

I thought this would be a good thing for the pumpkins. In years past it has been warm in October and the heat has made the pumpkins rot quickly. I thought, "well, at least that won't happen this year."

As it turns out, 12 degrees is worse than 80 for the pumpkins. After one night out on the porch I found them basically collapsed on themselves.

The internet said to put them in a cold bath with some bleach. I don't know why. I didn't get that far. I just implicitly trusted the internet because when has it ever led us astray?


Skylar came home that night, looked at the bathtub full of bobbing mushy pumpkins, sighed, and then went and finished the remaining pumpkin seeds.

I left them in there overnight and sort of forgot about them. I had a court hearing this morning an hour away from my house and in order to get ready for it I had to get up at an unconstitutional time. I'm not allowed to turn on any lights or breathe or exist in any way if I get up earlier than Skylar without risking actual divorce and murder and not necessarily in that order.

So I stumbled through the dark house, groggily, and made my way into the bathroom where I had completely forgotten about the internet pumpkin project from the night before.

I turned on a light and suddenly caught three bobbing rotted faces staring at me from the bathtub.

Y'all. It's the first time a Jack-O-Lantern actually made someone scream on Halloween.

Anyway, happy Halloween from our pumpkin patch.

~It Just Gets Stranger


  1. I've never carved pumpkins with my kids and my oldest is 17. They got to do one at a friend's house a few years ago so they've at least had the experience. They quickly realized how gross and messy it is and have never really asked to di it again. I call that a parenting win.

  2. I bet that woke you up pretty darn fast . . .

  3. Did you know they have fake pumpkins you can carve? No seeds and you have to do something with them when you're done using them, but no rotting or mess after the initial carving. Craft stores like Michael's, Hobby Lobby, etc. have them. But if you like doing a different face/design each year and the seeds, then that might not work for you.

  4. BUT DID IT WORK or did the internet actually fail you? Also, my jokes that I made up were so funny you’re basically out of a job now. Sorry not sorry.

    1. The internet failed me. I think it's because the bathtub trick is for when the pumpkins have dried out (it re-hydrates them). Mine were mushy so the bathtub only made them more mushy.

    2. Also, I'll send you the login info for Stranger so you can take over. Warning though--this job only pays like $230k per year. And the benefits kind of suck.

  5. This post is like a madlib! I vote you write a madlib post and we fill it in in the comments!

  6. This year it was so cold in Salt Lake City, they put a sweater on the Angel Moroni on the top of the temple.

  7. It was so cold in Salt Lake City, they had to up the alcohol content in the beer to keep it from freezing.

  8. Okay, the bobbing pumpkins killed me. 😂 I hope you got some trick or treaters despite the lack of pumpkins on Halloween. I have to say, I LOVE carving pumpkins. We do it every year as a fam and it’s so fun.