My dad (56M) ignores my (23F) sexual boundaries. I don't want to have him in my life, but unsure of what exactly to do.

relationship_advice Original
throwRA5276 2327 S 2020-10-15 13:53:40

Posting here because I'm at a crossroads and unsure of what step to take. TL;DR at the bottom

I (23F) have been in therapy for about five years, for things ranging from depression to anxiety and self harm. Before the lockdown began (in Canada, March 2020) I had been seeing a sexologist/psychotherapist for a year for an issue I was having with my boyfriend (45M). We started out as friends and fell in love, he has never pressured me to stay with him or anything else, don't worry.

I had been in a manipulative friendship in 2018 with some sexual aspects that left me with flashbacks when I would do foreplay or have sex with my boyfriend, who I have been living with for two years. I'd freeze and cry and feel shame, so I sought therapy. During therapy, I offhandedly mentioned that my dad (56M) had frequently walked around naked when I was a kid, and even as a teenager it would happen.

My therapist stopped me right there and we discussed more in-depth. What came out was: my father had been disrespecting my sexual boundaries for years by walking around naked after being asked not to, by saying things like "you can shower while I'm using the bathroom, nudity doesn't bother me and is nothing to be ashamed of." He also would tell me things about his sex life with my mother (55F) and make innuendos all the time. He once told me that when I was 11 and brought a female school friend over to the house for the day (she was also 11) it was the first time he had fantasized about having sex with a friend of his kid. (I told him that wasn't normal, and he said "sure it is. All men think those things.") He also weighed my breasts on his arm and commented on their weight, and how they were at a good level on my chest (he'd put his forearm where a bra underwire would be and my boobs would be on his arm. I had a shirt on the two or three times this happened when I was a teenager). It was weird to me, but I didn't realize how messed up it was.

After a good chunk of therapy sessions, I decided to bring my mother to one of them and discuss the impact his behaviour has been having on me for years. I didn't bring my dad, because he thinks all therapists blame things on your parents and just shove meds down your throat. My mom basically said that "your dad is your dad and we can't change him. I know he does things that aren't right but he is who he is." She later told him about the session and his behaviour (which I asked her to do) and he told me it bothered him and he didn't understand why I felt that way, but he would stop the behaviour.

He didn't, and things like kissing me on the lips when I arrive or leave my parents house, commenting on the length of my shorts, or even saying "that pajama is the perfect length for being sexy on a woman." He has also told me that when he was 25 or so, he slept with one of his cousins because she was just too attractive (his father had 12+ siblings, so it was a direct cousin with the same last name).

Through my search into my family history, I've found out that my dad's uncle was imprisoned from 1987 to his death in 2014 for four counts sexual assault (originally accused of six, he took a deal and they registered him as a dangerous offender). My dad's brother (54) is estranged from us because of his alcoholism, which my grandfather lived with as well. There is a lot of emotional abuse in my family that isn't spoken about, so I can only imagine if other abuse has happened over the years.

My boyfriend and I are planning to buy a house together on the other side of the country, and to get married. We don't know when, but it's been decided. If we have kids, I do not want my father near them in any way. Not only is he all the things I've mentioned, but he has no filter and zero tact.

I have three siblings from my mom's previous marriage (34M, 32F, 29M) and the younger two have also had uncomfortable things happen with my dad.

Without having been to therapy since March (I am using the tools I've learned, but it has still been difficult) I often have dreams of my dad molesting me. When I fight back in the dream, he enjoys it more, and the only time the dream turns out "okay" is when I end up stabbing him or otherwise killing him.

I don't get any positive emotions or consequences from speaking with it seeing my dad. At a max, I would say 5% of the times I talk with him, I'm feeling okay. I haven't seen him since our holiday party in January and I am loving it so much, I talk to him maybe once every two weeks when I call my mom and he picks up the house phone.

What I really want to do is tell him what his behaviour has done to me (it's also affected my relationship with cousins and other family members, but for reasons related to his alcoholic brother and father) and to tell him I don't want him in my life. The only thing stopping me from doing this now is that I have some of my boyfriend's stuff at my parents house and I don't want my father to destroy it (it has some sentimental value to my bf) because he likely would get so angry to break things. Also, my mother lives with him and I don't want her to be in the path of his anger or desolation.

So, I don't know what to do, really. Has anyone broken contact with a direct family member for similar reasons? How did it turn out? Would another path be best?

TL;DR my dad is a closet pervert and I don't want him in my life for many reasons, not least of which is his refusal to acknowledge or respect sexual boundaries. Do I cut contact with him, or is there another way?

EDIT: Although I appreciate the concern, this post was for advice about my dad, and not my boyfriend. I included my bf's age because I mentioned everyone else's ages.

INFO EDIT: I posted this only a few hours ago, but I see that some things needs clearing up.

  • my boyfriend and I began as friends, we met online through a music collecting website. We chatted for a month before we exchanged face selfies or even knew what our ages were, and by then it didn't bother me because he was a good friend and I'd had platonic friendships in the past with others 35yo+

  • the manipulative friendship ended a few months before I met my bf, and the issues only started arising when I began to really talk about that manipulation while in therapy. my bf has been supportive and understanding in all this. When I have a flashback, I have a "safe word"-esque phrase I use and we stop the intimacy for the night. He lets me begin it again when I'm ready, even if it's days after.

  • my therapist knows my boyfriend's age, she noted the gap but I explained how we met. Also, I have met my boyfriend's family, and he has met mine. We went overseas on vacation last year and spent time with a distant cousin of mine who I had become close with over Facebook, and she very much likes him. My brother also gets along with my bf, and my brother wouldn't hesitate to tell me if he felt I was in a worrisome place.

  • my therapist has suggested that I file a report about certain things but I do not want to, at least not right now. She has told me that all of this technically falls under sexual abuse.

  • none of my siblings live with my parents, and I haven't since I was 17.

  • My mother doesn't like conflict or confrontation. She doesn't express herself much, and I know from looking at her that she is depressed, but I don't know to what degree. She wouldn't tell me, even if I asked, and I know that for sure.

  • I do not work because of a leg injury, but I do have friends who live nearby and others I video chat with and call on the phone regularly. I am on disability so I do have my own income.

  • as someone said, my dad was likely abused as a kid himself. That said, having been a victim of abuse does not in any way excuse becoming an abuser yourself.

CuckyMcCuckerCuck 2077 6m

Yes, cut contact but get your property back first.

throwRA5276 504 15m

Thanks for the reply.

It's an instrument that my boyfriend was given by an old friend of his, so I really don't want it damaged. I'm 99% certain that all of my belongings are out of that house, the only thing I'd maybe want would be some family photo albums that are gathering dust over there. But my boyfriend wouldn't take it well if his property was damaged, and I don't want that either.

I would be pushing it if I said that more than 1/10 of the interactions I have with my dad are pleasant, let alone enjoyable.

CrushHazard 951 3h9m

So when you were 21 you moved in with your boyfriend, who was 43 at the time?

And you started off as friends? When was that?

It sure sounds like you were groomed. And now he wants to move you far away from home.

TotallyWonderWoman 494 6h5m

Does OP's therapist know about the age gap? I usually refer to large age gaps as "red flags with an asterisk." Meaning, if there are no other red flags, then it's clearly an "age is but a number" type of situation. However, a 40 something man befriending a young adult OP, moving in with her when she's 21, and then trying to move her away from whatever support system she has under the guise of getting her away from her father who sexually abused and harrassed her for her whole life plants so many red flags one could confuse OP's front lawn for a communist garden.

HopelessSemantic 115 7h59m

As far as I'm concerned, a 20+ year age gap is a huge red flag if either of the participants is under twenty five or so or if they are otherwise in drastically different life stages. The fact that OP has unresolved issues due to her father's abuse makes it worse, especially if she moved out of her parents' house to move in with her boyfriend.

TotallyWonderWoman 9h9m

I agree. I think the age of the youngest partner when the couple meets and starts dating is really important in large age gap relationships; the gap doesn't even have to be 20+ years, 10 or 15 years could also be a "red flag with an asterisk" if the partner is young enough.

OP's situation (couple moved in together when she was 21 and they have a 22 year age gap) is very different than if hypothetical couple Bob and Sally (same age difference, Bob is the older one) met and started dating when she was 40 and Bob was 62.

steelgripphoenix 298 5h38m

Yeah I lol'd when she said a 40 year old man wanted to be friends with her. There's nothing wrong with the relationship but it's so weird to me that she believes it. I wonder if the therapist she's seeing knows of him.

Caledonia0306 -5 8h0m

I'm 22 and my SO is 48.... is this wrong in society's eyes ? Just my curiosity based on the replies I'm seeing here

Vicious-the-Syd 34 8h9m

Yes. Three years ago you were a teenager. Three years ago your partner was middle aged. Doesn’t that seem weird to you?

Caledonia0306 8h29m

I guess it would be weird. All of his children are older than me. Though I will admit I have a bit of what they call "daddy issues" I just dont find guys around my age bracket attractive. Maybe something's wrong with me.

CrushHazard 8h35m

All of his children are older than me.

To me, this is a huge red flag.

Maybe something is wrong with me.

There is nothing wrong with you. You are 22. You still have about 3 years before your brain fully matures, and even then, it takes another five years or so to really figure out where you fit and what you like.

There is something very wrong with your boyfriend though.

Caledonia0306 8h43m

Thanks. This is really the first time I've tried to get a third perspective on age gaps. Social media is so full of mean people sometimes and thanks for being nice. He makes me really happy and treats me like gold. Its disturbing to just now know why other people stare when I'm in public with him.

CrushHazard 8h51m

Of course. I’m aware of how difficult it can be to find a healthy relationship. I’m always amazed at people who seem to have it figured out at a younger age, because it took me so long. Even though I met my wife at 28, I don’t think I could see things clearly until a year or two after that. Healthy relationships were never modeled for me as a child, so I had a lot of independent studying to do. I feel lucky that I did eventually figure it out on my own. A lot of people do not.

He treats you well, because he is old enough to know what works and what doesn’t. As men get older, their emotions get less and less in the way of things. He can calculate all his words and actions without feelings messing things up.

I don’t question that he treats you well now. I question whether he loves you in the same way that you love him and how long his affections will last. From what I have seen, being attracted to young women isn’t something thar changes over time. For instance, Mick Jagger had a baby with a woman he met when he was 70 and she was 26. He’s been bedding 20-somethings for 50 years straight!

chihuahua-mama 8h59m

I dated a guy in his 40s when I was in college. We had fun, and for a while, I liked him. He would take my poor ass to breakfast and let me order whatever I wanted. I have never been pretty. But a nonmalformed nineteen year old is fucking mind-blowing to a regular forty year old dude, and it was fun to feel that desirable for once in my life. But there was always this sense of “you’ll understand when you’re older” that became intolerable. Ultimately, he blackmailed me (threatened to tell my parents about the relationship, knowing they would disapprove) and stalked me when I tried to break up with him. ( ultimately, I called my parents and handed him the phone so he could tell them what turned out to be specific details of our sex lift. But even that didn’t get rid of him! Eventually, it occurred to me to tell him a lie about randomly having sex with some other guy, and that got rid of him immediately.)

just an anecdote, but I feel like there’s a pattern of control and power imbalance in a lot of these relationships. I think it would be worth exploring with a therapist if it’s bothering you. But if it’s not, Reddit doesn’t know your life, and enjoy being in love!

makeVentilatr 28 8h13m

Yes. Absolutely. There's a reason he's not with someone his own age. You are at completely different stages in life and the unbalanced power dynamic lends itself very easily to abuse.

ETA: Please take this quiz to see if there are any signs of abuse


Yes. Absolutely. There's a reason he's not with someone his own age. You are at completely different stages in life and the power dynamic lends itself very easily to abuse.

Caledonia0306 8h31m

I see..... thank you. I like quizzes :)

ciaoravioli 8h14m

Yes, in that society knows seeking out much younger partners is a thing predators do, for many different reasons. Examples include power dynamics, maturity gap, circumstances on how the relationship came about, general age fetishizing, etc. Not all have to be applicable for people to be worried about the relationship.

I will say that these things used to be accepted until people grew to see the real problems that resulted from large age gap relationships, so society turning against it is a result of seeing patterns in the outcomes of these relationships, it didn't start as a taboo against the thing itself. That grew out of people seeing the aftermath.

CrushHazard 8h25m

I’d say it’s less about being wrong in society’s eyes and more about whether the relationship is healthy for you.

I’m 38, and I simply cannot imagine being attracted to any 22 year old girl in a meaningful way, no matter how mature she is. Even if I find a 22 year old beautiful in a visually-pleasing sense, I cannot imagine engaging in a sexual relationship with one.

I personally think that is normal for someone my age, so I can’t imagine feeling that way in 10 years.

steelgripphoenix 8h54m

I don't think it's wrong. You're in your physical prime, it's not weird that he'd prefer you visually and sexually to women his age. That's normal. It would be wrong if as a 50 year old man he approached you pretending to want friendship.

Nut2DaSac 216 3h50m


no_name_maddox 75 7h3m

Continuing to be groomed.

GiveMyDogYourBone 53 5h0m

So much this.

Cyko_Time3465 0 8h0m

Well yes that could be an option but more then you know date people twice their age. But I don’t think that’s the problem. This dad of hers sexualises children. At least her partner shot his shot when she was legal. I think he hasn’t actually done anything to her like trying to get her in bed because he knows someone who’s been caught and charged for sex crimes.

V-838 8h18m

Good Point. Predators like to pick people who are already emotionally stressed or distressed. He has found his next victim and will pose as her saviour?

twoisnumberone 8h44m

Definitely sounds like grooming. Holy fuck. I'm not saying you can't have a healthy relationship with an age gap, but I am saying OP can't have a healthy relationship with an age gap given how her father has traumatized her.

AbbyDean1985 8h49m


floppybeef 8h57m

Will this sub ever shut the fuck up about grooming

beets_bears_bubblegm -57 5h11m

Not every age gap relationship is a bad relationship, I’m so sick of Reddit making the same assumptions about age gaps every singe time.

CrushHazard 83 5h19m

That’s why I’m asking questions.

Wouldn’t you agree that if she was 18 and he was 40 when they became “friends” that it was a grooming situation?

The brain goes through a lot of changes between the ages of 16 and 25. Some people are late bloomers (I was). I probably didn’t reach mental maturity until 28 or 29. Some people mature early — say early 20s. Women more often than men, but it’s definitely no guarantee.

So if you’ve got a guy in his late 20s dating a girl in her early 20s, there’s a definite chance that they have a lot in common and are at similar stages in their lives.

There is simply no chance of that occurring with a 21 year old and a 43 year old.

curiousnaomi 7 6h44m

Oh god yes. Any age difference, older is grooming. Younger party can be in denial of that, but it's without any doubt at all when you're that much older. They're kids for Christ sake. Chasing tail young enough to be your kid is disgusting and deranged.

beets_bears_bubblegm -12 5h32m

I understand your point of view but having been ‘that person’, I can look back now later in my life and objectively say that I was not in a grooming situation and that we were both people genuinely in love. Even my mom came around to accepting it although she was angry and confused at first, and that never would have happened unless it was real. That said, I had a lot of shit happened that required me to mature much quicker than most people, and my nature is also generally more mature than most people my age. Nowadays I date people at least a decade older than me if not more, I can’t fucking stand people my age and I just don’t have time for playing games with children.

BabalonBimbo 39 5h44m

I’ve known women with healthy relationships who have large age gaps with their husbands. Unlike OP, they have healthy relationships with their fathers. The age difference in this case raised my eyebrow because she’s posting about sexual issues with her father.

Tziporah-296 7 7h14m

I highly agree. I have a very healthy relationship with my parents and I am in an age gap relationship...although not perfect LOL, we do love each other and have a daughter that we love very much.

I do agree that the issue of her father behaving very perverted and questionable in combination with her age gap relationship and him wanting to move away from her family does sound fishy and manipulative.

CrushHazard 24 5h53m

This isn’t as much about the age gap as it is the age she was when she first met him.

It’s also not about being “genuinely in love”. Only after getting older did I realize how many older men fetishize youth. Fetishizing your partner is, in my opinion, a necessary component in love, so whether that love can exist is not in question. What matters to me is that (1) men who fetishize youth learn through trial and error how to manipulate young girls into relationships, and (2) men who fetishize youth will inevitably stop being attracted to their love interest over time.

I can’t fucking stand people my age, and I don’t have time for playing games with children.

This is interesting. You have no interest in people your own age. You characterize them as “children”. Don’t you think it’s strange that your significant other wouldn’t see you as a child?

If the age gap were between a 28 year old and a 48 year old when they first met, I wouldn’t say anything.

beets_bears_bubblegm -9 6h1m

I think the point is to seek out people that don’t see me as a child. I don’t just date anyone. And I HAVE been in bad age gap relationships where I’ve been fetishized for being young. Through my life experiences in dating I’ve started learning more about who I am and who is right for me.

CrushHazard 7 6h19m

I don’t think any female just dates anyone. You admit to having been in relationships in which you were fetishized for being young. I assume this happened when you were younger, right? Perhaps late teens or early 20s?

My understanding after hearing this from multiple women is that teenage women experience constant overtures from older men that decrease as they get older. This only makes sense from the perspective of abuse and grooming. If it were about attraction, these girls would be seen as more physically attractive and more mentally attractive as they got older. I think most men would agree that women reach their peak appeal somewhere in the 21-35 year old range. It’s not about appeal though. It’s about manipulation and control. They are “investing” in the future. They want to create a bond that the girl cannot break before she realizes that she has a choice.

If you are 25+ now, then I don’t see any issue with you dating men of any age, but it sounds very possible that your prior relationships are influencing your future ones. If anyone having issues with relationships asks me for one piece of advice, it would be to approach potential partners with an open mind. You have plenty of time to decide if someone isn’t right for you, but when you dismiss someone out of hand for superficial reasons, you lose the potential.

beets_bears_bubblegm 3 6h27m

I completely agree with the last part of what you said. Despite really feeling uncomfortable with dating people my age I’ve kept my options open because if there’s another old soul like me out there that’s looking for what I’m looking for I don’t see the harm in that. With all of this said, I have had a very traumatic childhood and if my therapist, psychiatrist, and the counselors/therapists/psychologists at my trauma recovery program that I’ve talked extensively about these relationships with all agree that it’s healthy they are the people that I will take advice from over strangers on the internet that don’t understand my situation. I bring every partner (regardless of if they’re in their 20’s or 40’s) to therapy eventually because I want to make sure they understand the scope of my trauma, and it also serves as a tool for my therapist to observe the relationship to see if there are any red flags I’m missing - and at this point, I know myself and I’ve come to recognize the warning signs that mean I need to gtfo. I encourage OP and anyone that is in an age gap relationship to be in therapy just to make sure that there aren’t any other issues at play and that everything is being done in the safest way possible and that no one is being taken advantage of or groomed.

SybariticLegerity 50 5h20m

Please give a valid reason for a 43 year old to be in a relationship with a 21 year old.

AyraLightbringer 46 5h26m

It's really hard to get women your own age if you're a creep. Hence, you need to date younger women.

/s because it's the internet.

Most_Goat 36 5h30m

He is double her age and she wasn't even done fully maturing into adulthood (which is mid 20's, btw). That's fucking creepy, period. Age gaps when both partners are fully mature and experienced is one thing. Age gaps with a huge difference in life experience is an entirely different thing.

himetampopo 35 5h45m

The reason everyone makes assumptions about age gaps because there is a power differential, especially when it's a younger woman coming from a nasty home life to an older man that "oh so innocently" falls in love with her. It's sketchy with a 10 year gap with the younger in late teens/early twenties. Super sketchy with two decades.

It's very, very rare for a 43 year old man to be on the same footing(employment/finances/life experience?) as a 21 year old woman, without some serious reasons. Like a coma took you out for ten years level of reasons.

It doesn't add up, and people should call it out.

The human brain doesn't fully stop maturing into the early-to-mid twenties, anyone who wants to be with someone so much significantly younger who isn't done growing up is looking for someone vulnerable. Vulnerable is easily abused. Vulnerable keeps their yap shut.

Best case scenario, it is legit and innocent old fashioned love. Worst case scenario, the younger of the pairing ends up fucked over nine ways from Sunday. It's rarely the best case scenario, and it goes for both sexes.

beets_bears_bubblegm -9 5h47m

I get that it’s rarely the best case scenario but it does happen, and if people are calling it out there is no reason not to do it in a way that’s respectful.

this-un-is-mine 18 5h38m

literally shut the fuck up. there is ABSOLUTELY NO EXCUSE for a 40-something year old man to be dating a 21-23 year old. he IS a predator, he DID sexually groom her, he IS abusive and is trying to isolate her, and it will get worse. fuck you for trying to excuse this shit.

busybees123 -9 5h55m

An age gap does not mean he groomed her!!! I had jusy turned 21 and dating someone 37... we split when I was 24 and he was 40! He never groomed me, we worked together and were friends and then I made the move on him when we were on a works night. He resisted it for a while and was worried what people would think... I am very mature for my age and don't date people my age. I don't have 'daddy issues' I just find that older men are more on my level of interests and conversation ect and the relationship works to the point that unless there was references to shows or music before my time the age gap was non existent and everyone who knew us as a couple agreed you would never guess there was such an age gap.

kosmik-brokoli -5 6h13m

It's sad that you're getting downvoted into oblivion for stating such an obvious truth. There are many relationships involving an important age difference, and a lot of healthy relationships start with a friendship. This is unhealthy and paranoid reddit at its worst.

Tziporah-296 1 7h17m

All us girls with our older men are getting downvoted to hell and beyond...LOL

There IS such thing as a healthy age gap relationship...some of us have kids and are married...souls fall in love with souls. Downvote if you want...i dont care.

katiel99 8h16m

AGREE. i think all the comments are basically saying that women in their 20s are still children and have no autonomy... as a woman in her earlier 20s I can’t stand that. I don’t think it’s fair to characterize all age gap relationships this way and assuming grooming was involved... jeez Reddit thinks people are child until they’re 30....

ChattyMrsKat -9 5h51m

Thank you! Finally another redditor who understands that not all May-December relationships are inherently evil or pedophilic. Sure, some are, just like some relationships without age gaps can be evil for any number of reasons. This is something to be taken in a case by case basis and the only people who would truly know are those in and directly around the relationship.

In OP's case, it sounds like dad was doing more than tap dancing his way down the line of crossing into a clothing optional house and was perving on OP's friend. His actions and reactions are suspect.

Ambartenen 251 1h56m

What did you mean but you BF "not taking it well"?

There are two reads here, one is, as another user pointed out "It could just as well mean he'd get generally upset... which is not a weird response to having your shit smashed up" and another is that he is controlling and would blame YOU for the loss of his property.

Kellyjb72 107 6h5m

And why would someone that age need to store something at her parents’ house? Where is his home or family?

Atozman 7 7h11m

I can't find your quote "not taking it well" in OP's post. Where is it?

It's also not clear to me what bf's reaction would be should father destroy his stuff. Who is OP referring to who would "get so angry to break things"? I take this as referring to the behavior she expects from her father not her bf. What makes you think that bf is controlling here?

littlemissbipolar 5 7h32m

It’s all in her comment above.

Atozman 5 8h1m

Thanks, I got it now. In context, it looks like a pretty innocuous comment to me. Who would take it well if their property were destroyed? And, this is a musical instrument with sentimental significance to bf. How do you interpret this comment?

littlemissbipolar 1 8h13m

It’s ambiguous for sure, but Ambartenens comment was simply asking her to clarify. I don’t think there was anything malicious sounding in OPs comment, but I do think their relationship requires closer examination considering the age factors here

Atozman 8h21m

I agree that it's ambiguous for sure. We don't know what OP has discussed in her therapy. Maybe there has been a close examination.

floppybeef 8h58m

This subreddit and jumping to conclusions, name a more iconic duo

zyh0 50 6h33m

"Wouldn't take it well" I wonder how your boyfriend is going to treat you after he moves you across the country in isolation.

God theres so much wrong here!

troublewithbeingborn 9h7m

This sub is ridiculous. Who would take a treasured possession being destroyed well. Just because she doesn’t want her boyfriend to be upset doesn’t mean her boyfriend is abusive

NDaveT 31 2h41m

Can you ask your mom to ship it to you? Or have someone pick it up?

livelymonstera 9 5h4m

If you ever go back please stay at a hotel.

sirharryflashman 7 7h53m

Make sure you have all your important documents before you leave home: birth certificate, passport, SIN card, school documents, etc.

TerribleClarity 1869 S x 3 G x 2 1h53m

Honey, I think we need to lay a few things out. You are dating a man closer to your dad’s age than yours. You may think it’s healthy, and there’s an extremely(EXTREMELY)slim chance that it is, but I don’t think you know what healthy is. I don’t think you should stay in contact with your dad, and I don’t want to be another redditor telling someone to leave their relationship but...he’s 45. You are 23 and have severe sexual and emotional issues, this is ticking all the boxes of a manipulator grooming his victim. I mean seriously, he’s planning on taking you across the country, cutting you off from anyone and everything you’ve ever known. This is textbook abusive behavior.

I’m sorry, but this will almost certainly end badly for you. Good luck op, I hope you and your therapist can continue to work through your issues and you find happiness and health someday.

ETA because you mentioned having kids with said bf...if you had a child rn, like literally was born today, by the time that child is of legal drinking age(US), your husband will be in his late sixties and eligible for retirement or care homes, not to mention the cognitive decline. You will be barely in your forties. In fact, you won’t even be the same age that your bf is CURRENTLY. Maybe you can’t see how bad that is now, but I’m currently watching my bff’s folks go through this(same age difference as you and your bf btw), and it’s fucking atrocious. Not to mention that they’ve been a dead bedroom for the last 10+ years because guess what, her mom is still young and has sexual urges that her husband is too old to fulfill anymore. I’m sorry for being harsh, but the truth is your relationship has every single red flag I can think of.

ETA II: thanks u/ruckingroobydoodyroo for my first gold award!

Nevaeh_Melendez 910 2h24m

She also mentioned they’ve been living together for 2 years and they were friends for a while and then fell in love. So they moved in together when she was 21 and they were friends for a while? Why was a late 30-40 year old man friends with a teen/young adult? That doesn’t seem ok.

Theshutupguy 576 4h14m

I don't get how people are defending this at all.

I'm 33. I can't even fathom being 'friends' with a 19-year-old woman, for example. Let alone dating? That seems so weirdly inappropriate.

Like, even if statistically, 9/10 relationships like this end up or are from the outset abusive and weird, you're gonna roll the dice on "hey maybe this one's great!!"

Drummerx04 274 4h46m

I went on one date with a 19 yo woman when I was around 27. I felt immensely uncomfortable by how monumentally far apart we were in terms of maturity, life experiences, basic common sense, she was living with her parents, etc.

I can't imagine that discomfort will magically diminish 17 years from now.

Nefroti 115 6h2m

I am 23, when I think about dating 18 it sounds cool, when i meet one all I think that she is a child and i feel wrong talking to her most of the time lol

radish96 63 6h19m

I'm with you there! I'm 24 and got asked out by a 19 year old and it felt so wrong!!

DeezNameless 12 8h1m

25, 5 years is the most I can even fathom for an age difference over or under. I don't understand how the OP was even friends with their boyfriend to begin with. At most I would say 7 years is the most I could do with being true friends with (hanging out, spending time talking, other than video games). Video games being an outlier because I don't care your age as long as you can aim properly. Lol.

littlemissbipolar 31 7h36m

Went on a date with a 31 year old when I was 21. We went to trivia. Nothing makes an age gap more glaringly obvious than pop culture trivia.

“I love that show, it was my favorite as a kid!” “Never heard of it.”

m0nstera_deliciosa 71 6h33m

I'm a 33 year old lesbian, and I have a friend who is 21. I call her my 'little sister', and our relationship is largely going clothes shopping, and watching trashy tv shows together. I can't imagine dating someone that age- we have so little in common, experience wise, and I always feel like I need to protect her. The idea of being this age and lusting after someone young enough I could have been their babysitter? It's so weird.

Theshutupguy 24 6h46m

Ah, as I started reading your reply I thought you were going to go the other way with that and say it's fine having friends that age. Which is true to an extent, I volunteered with Big Brother program, but even then, that's not necessarily 'friends' in the real sense of the word.

But as a straight male, I cannot fathom hanging out with a 19-year-old girl and pretending we're just innocent friends or something. Good god.

Nevaeh_Melendez 52 4h57m

This whole situation is just a mess. Poor OP.

beckygeckyyyy 48 5h0m

I’m 23 and I can’t fathom being friends with a 19 year old. Hell, I hung out with a 21 year old and still felt kinda weird about it because she’d mostly talk about going to frat parties. Which is understandable because thats what I talked about too when I was 21, but I haven’t thought about stuff like that for the past two years since I graduated from my undergrad.

Theshutupguy 29 5h8m

Two years from 21 to 23 isn't really different at all. Soon you'll blink and two years will go by.

Maybe you're maturing faster than your friend or maybe they're immature, but after 30, 23 and 21 is the same thing.

Kittaylover23 33 5h31m

When you’re 23, you’ve graduated from college and at least basically begun “adulting” most 21 year olds I’ve met are not adults yet

Theshutupguy 21 5h39m

I graduated from University at 27 and moved out to "adult" at 17.

I honestly could not tell the difference between a 23-year-old and 21 in terms of life experience and maturity.

ACuriousBagel 9h11m

I totally get you (I'm 28, and undergrads just seem tiny), but on the flipside, I'm good friends with most of my colleagues from my previous workplace, with ages ranging from 21 - 55. I don't think it's as difficult to have good friendships with an age gap as a lot of comments here suggest.

olivepopeth 41 6h27m

Omg I’m in my late 30s and all people under 25 are ‘kids’ to me... albeit big kids but the only kind of relationship/friendship I could see myself with someone that age is an aunty or a big sister kinda thing.

banananna33 34 6h57m

I remember how immature I was at that age, and being so convinced I was an adult and on the same level as 30 something's. It was so cringe. I'm in my 30s now and can't see myself casually hanging out with that age group. At all.

American_Mary_ 19 7h43m

Yup, this is also how I was. I walked straight into an abusive relationship when I was 22 with a guy who was 31. I had convinced myself I was just an extremely mature 22-year-old (I wasn't) and I deserved to have the attention of an older man.

I left that relationship after four very confusing years that were filled with controlling behaviors, sexual abuse, financial abuse, and general tearing down of my self-esteem. As I've gotten older, it's been much more impactful to me just how much distance there is between 22 and 31.

banananna33 4 7h58m

Man, seems a lot of us had to learn our lessons the hard way. But great thing we did! Relationships are so much easier when you can spot the red flags early, because we know how to look now. I'm too old to be wasting my time on that drama lol. Hopefully OP is going through her own lesson and will come out the other side wiser, and let's hope for her sake without a baby.

eminva02 13 7h37m

When I was 19 I dated 33 year olds and never thought it was weird. When I was 33 I really realized how weird it was. I couldn't even fathom it.... It's such an easy trap to fall into unfortunately.

Theshutupguy 18 8h5m

Well put. It's easy to be 19 and think "What's the problem? We're all equal adults here!"

And then, as you said, you're 33 and you realize "Holy shit".

I don't think I could even hang out with 19-year-old version of myself, that little shit head.

miramiriaa 10 6h31m

Okay this whole thing is fucked up, but just to change the subject completely, I know plenty of 33 year olds who are mates with 19/20/21/22 year olds. There were quite a few mature aged students in my friends course, and we all hang out and get drinks. Ect.They kind of mentor us young uns as the course "mum" or "dad". And I've always worked in areas where I am the youngest 21-23 and everyone else is 25-7++, and you become mates with and hang out and things. It's not that unusual and its never been inappropriate (most of the older people have partners anyway).

To reiterate, yes this situation is fucked up, but it's not that unusual to be mates with older people once you reach young adulthood.

Theshutupguy 10 6h53m

Yeah totally. It can happen for sure. When I was 27 I worked at a bar and there was 19 year old girl that worked there too. I can't say we were friends in any meaningful way but she seemed much older and mature. An old soul or whatever.

It can happen but it seems like most times it's either weird or predatory, especially from a straight male's perspective.

HopelessSemantic 3 8h10m

I feel like being casual friends is fine, but at 33, I don't think I could have a serious friendship with someone in their late teens/early twenties because we would have very little in common.

zeratti 0 8h7m

Theres a math equation for this i forgot but i think maximum age difference bis seven years and only if both parties are over 20 when they meet

ano1batman 5 7h18m

I could see them becoming friends through work. Doesnt change the fact them dating is weird as fuck though.

MissSuzyTugboat 3 7h12m

I'm 31, friends with a lot of teenage girls in the "youre a great kid!" kinda way... I can't really imagine sexualizing them... eugh... BUT I have known a lot of young ladies with adult male boyfriends nonetheless :/ usually they're vulnerable in other ways like OP.

questions3pm 1 7h53m

For me surface level there is the rare time that a relationship with an age difference is totally fine. OP specifically asked commentators not to help with the relationship between her and her partner, and none of the problems presented come from that relationship. For me, I have the same concerns as anybody else but do wonder at the usefulness of narrowing in on that detail.

frugalrhombus 1 8h3m

Im early 30s and just got back onto dating apps after a divorce. I had my minimum age set to 21 for all of like 2 hours before I felt like a creep and bumped it way up. I got about half way through OP before I was telling myself she needs to GTFO of her current relationship because its likely because of all her baggage growing up she thinks that's healthy. Like she has a problem with her dad doing all that stuff but not the bf who is almost the same age?

HopelessSemantic 1 8h4m

Honestly, when I was 29 I went on a few dates with a 21 year old and that felt like I was dating a child. It is one thing if both people are old enough that they are in similar stages of their lives, but there is a reason so many relationships with large age gaps turn out to be abusive.

Open_Hope5183 -5 6h46m

Really? Hmm i was 29 and had a sexual relationship with an 18 year old for about 2 months. Am i a bad person?

Theshutupguy 1 6h56m

Nah, you do you. Like others have said, it CAN work, it just seems rare.

Personally, I would feel weird. But everyone's different and I'm sure there's some 19 year old in the 8 billion people on earth who would seem like my soul mate or something.

TerribleClarity 63 2h31m

Yikes, I hadn’t even put together that timeline yet, I thought they met recently and moved fast, not that that’s any better though :/

Nevaeh_Melendez 85 2h32m

This just seems like she went from one situation with a creepy older man to another.

this-un-is-mine 24 5h44m

because it’s NOT REMOTELY OKAY. 21 year olds should ONLY be dating other 21-22 year olds, period. it is a unique time in life with a unique maturity and experience level and it is totally inappropriate for a person of that age to be dating a 45 year old. it is literally ALWAYS abuse, and it is incredibly common for the victim to justify it with “i’m mature enough! it’s healthy! the age isn’t a problem!” when it’s not an issue of the victim’s maturity or grown-upness, it is an issue of the 45 year old.

Current-Position9988 18 6h53m

Doesn't even makes sense. I think by "friends" she meant she was sleeping with him until it turned into relationship. No man in his 40s is "just friends" with a girl who is 19 or 20 unless it's co worker or something. In my experience, these guys don't "actively" search for JUST broken young women, they are just the only ones that buy their bullshit pickup moves they have been using since college.

bananafluffernut 8h30m

She said in her edit that they didn’t know each other’s ages at first. Maybe not, but his 40-year old ass knew she wasn’t anywhere close to his age.

Nevaeh_Melendez 8h49m

Even if you don’t know each other’s ages I’m sure she could tell he was A LOT older than her and I’m sure he could tell she was really young.

helenmaryskata 124 5h37m

It's probably not what you wanted to hear, but this comment is so spot on. From what you have described, your father has sexually molested and abused you your whole life and displays pedophile tendencies. You don't seem to be fully aware of just how wrong his behaviour was/is and your mother makes excuses for it.

It is reasonable that this environment growing up has given you a skewed opinion about what is healthy in a romantic relationship. It may sound harsh, but I don't think it is a coincidence that you think a relationship with a man 22 years your senior is normal. I'm glad you are seeing a therapist to work through all this. Your relationship with your dad definitely seems like a write off. The relationship with your bf has a tons of red flags and, I'm sorry, also seems like it needs to end.

You are so young, there is no need to commit to anybody yet. The relationship with yourself is the only one that deserves your focus right now.

meepmaster7 96 5h53m

I married a man 17 years older than me when I was 19. Yes I was abused. Eventually I left. But it's only now as I grow older (30f) I really understand how wrong it was. How different a person becomes in just a few short years and how disgusted I am at the idea of being with someone so young myself. Age is NOT just a number, especially when you are young.

this-un-is-mine 54 5h40m

no, there is absolutely zero chance that this relationship with this 45 year old predator who very clearly sexually groomed her - a vulnerable young woman who has suffered sexual abuse her entire life - is healthy.

peachesthepup 10 7h55m

I really want to know if her therapist knows about this. But you're right, this isn't healthy, I don't trust him one bit and she should definitely not be having kids with him until she's emotionally sorted out and worked through all her other mental load.

It's quite literally a blue print for a disaster.

ruckingroobydoodyroo 28 5h10m

You're welcome, your comment is really well thought out. It was your ETA that struck me most, actually seeing those numbers broken down, it's scary to even think about. Hope OP takes it seriously.

TerribleClarity 5 5h16m

Thank you, I really hope she does too

Obvious_RaspberryPie 28 7h1m

I want to add to u/TerribleClarity post. my mother was 20 years younger than my father, they had a fling and “oopsie” (me). My father was retired before I graduated middle school and died when I was barely 19. From a child’s perspective it really sucks to have such an older parent. My parents were never a couple, but I would visit him and he couldn’t do much because of age. I have a bio grandmother a couple years YOUNGER than my father. Huge ick factor and source of embarrassment for me, as the child.

throughlymodernmolli 27 2h27m

Fantastically well said!!

TerribleClarity 20 3h59m

Oh thank you! I’m so concerned for this poor girl. I hate watching this scenario play out because, well, we all know where this is going.

Oh thank you! I so concerned for this poor girl. I hate watching this scenario play out because, well, we all know where this is going.

MusketeersPlus2 5 7h53m

This. My dad was 24 years older than my mom and when I was in my early 20s interested in a guy in his 40s her advice was "play with him, have fun, but for glob sake don't marry him. They get old so much faster than you do." And that was even before my dad got sick and mom had to spend 5 years as a nurse.

YakDiscombobulated52 8h30m

THIS. Her relationship started when she was vulnerable. So she should try to get over her trauma without being in a relationship. Do things to better her life like finishing school and having a good stable job so she’s not depending on him instead of moving across the country with someone double her age.

CaricaIntergalaktiki 8h29m

Please listen to this, OP. You went from an abusive father to an abusive relationship, and then ended up with someone 22 your senior. You may feel it's different or healthy, but believe us, it is not. The older you get the more obvious it becomes that huge age gaps - especially in your late teens and early twenties - are not healthy or okay at all.

It's great you're seeing a therapist, but what does your therapist say about your relationship? I know you want the focus on the relationship with your father, and you have every right to cut contact with him, but please think about other ways than to move across the country with someone closer in age to your father than yourself.

I honestly think some time alone would be great for you, without any kind of romantic relationship. And it comes from someone with a (not sexually) abusive father and plenty of abusive relationships. You're young and should figure yourself out before thinking about settling down with anyone, especially in a relationship with so many red flags.

two_constellations 8h45m

As someone who has done something very similar to this twice, this. Please listen, OP. You think it’s okay, you think you’re a good match and he’s a charming guy. I thought it was stupid when people said to me the cliché “if he’s that old and somehow single it means that women his own age recognize he’s a dirtbag” but it always ends up being true. Moving across the country with someone, ESPECIALLY while disabled, is the worst situation you could put yourself in. It doesn’t matter how you met. That should have been an immediate dealbreaker. I have lots of friends in their 30’s and 40’s too- we have lots of shared experiences. But for a marriage/kids relationship, it just isn’t enough.

FrostyPoot 1816 1h17m

How has no one mentioned the 45 year old boyfriend... Severe emotional trauma from older men in her life and she dates someone double her age. I'd be extremely curious to see what a therapist would have to say about that, because that massive of an age gap is not healthy 9.9/10 times

Ambartenen 854 1h54m

OP is the literal definition of "daddy issues" (not using this in a sarcastic or mocking way) and her therapist has to have said something about this.

u/throwRA5276 what does your therapist say about your relationship? Are they concerned?

no_name_maddox 78 7h5m

They won’t answer the question, bc the answer is no.

hi47928649 8h39m

She made an edit about it

EmlynWolfe 456 1h25m

She also mentioned the boyfriend “wouldn’t take it well” (not sure what that means) if his property was damaged, which is a red flag for me. If my significant other was molested and feeling uncomfortable going back into her abuser’s home, there’s no way I’d make her feel guilty about getting my stuff back.

perdyqueue 272 1h31m

Is this a strictly unbiased evaluation of what OP said? To be clear, 45 and 23 also rings bells for me, especially in the context of OP's past abuse. But I also wouldn't be super happy about someone destroying an object of deep sentimental value to me. I don't think "wouldn't take it well" necessarily means he'd berate/blame her or get upset that she didn't prioritize it over her own safety. It could just as well mean he'd get generally upset... which is not a weird response to having your shit smashed up.

EmlynWolfe 57 3h22m

Fair point, I think I just meant I’d value her safety over material things. But then again I don’t know the sentiment behind it. I also agree the age gap is concerning.

Yezzurrrrrr -2 8h2m

I was 22 and dated a 47 year old. One of the best relationships I've had in my life. He was so mature, treated me very respectfully and we communicated excellently, no drama no hidden agendas and honestly such peace and harmony.
I have also dated guys my own age that have being verbally and physically abusive, have cheated have lied and generally acted disgustingly.
I have never even been abused and certainly not during my childhood. I would say you guys aren't at all focusing on what she has said and are focusing on what she hasn't said. Where is the advice? Where is the empathy? Why can't you accept she is grown ass woman making her own decisions. fuck off.

makeVentilatr 8h22m

What happened with that relationship with the man that was over twice you age?

She asked for advice, she got it.

Yezzurrrrrr 8h27m

He moved away to Saudia Arabia for a job unfortunately.

Yeah but none of this chain comments were about her father, they all about her boyfriend which she didn't ask advice on?????

onlyway_2a 8h50m

If it's of such sentimental value why is it in such a precarious place in the first place? That part of this is on bf if his stuff we're to be destroyed and imo this part of her post is kinda irrelevant to the crux of her problem.

Ok_Marketing_9109 49 1h34m

I think she means he wouldn't be happy purely because his property was broken, not because she didn't get it. I mean, I would be if my property was.

passivelyrepressed 22 2h17m

I kinda got the feeling that he wouldn’t take it very well as far as dealing with her dad about it. The fact that she’s in counseling and he supports that sorta assuages any potential abuse vibes I automatically look for in a relationship with that big of an age gap.

My ex was older and abusive and there’s no way he would have supported me going to therapy. Matter of fact, I hid it from it and only was able to go because she was in the same office as my doctor. Obviously there isn’t enough to go on, but sometimes younger women seek these relationships out and the man is not ALWAYS a pervy/absusive partner.

perdyqueue 57 2h47m

I have two things to say: just because she sought out the relationship, it doesn't preclude the possibility of abuse existing. It's reasonable to hypothesize that she may have latched onto him because of unresolved issues (keywords "may have"), but there is still an inherent power imbalance. This also doesn't mean much in isolation - older guys aren't also necessarily all freaky perverts. It's simply worth noting that the potential does exist for exploitation.

Another thing: the fact that she is already speaking with a qualified professional about her relationship is enough for me to step back and realize my input isn't really worthwhile. She came here for advice about her dad, and she's already in therapy about her boyfriend. I don't think it's necessary or appropriate to "warn" her about something she is no doubt painfully aware of, and discussing with her therapist already.

WorldAsChaos 9 6h7m

She isn't seeing a qualified professional anymore " Without having been to therapy since March (I am using the tools I've learned, but it has still been difficult) ". I am curious if the cessation is related to the virus (though telehealth is readily available in most areas) or if something else caused her to stop going.

passivelyrepressed 4 5h2m

I never said that her seeking it out made it healthy. I just stated that some guys in these situations aren’t abusive and aren’t aware of/don’t perpetuate imbalance.

It does make me question what a 45 year old dude sees in a 20 something girl but it’s not really my business and obviously she’s seeing a professional that sought out after her reactions during sex with her much older fiancé. It’s obviously (hopefully?) being discussed.

I said the bit about people seeking it out because I was personally guilty of that and didn’t understand why. Luckily (after my abusive ex) it was with a very respectful and upstanding man that would have never treated me poorly.

But I (hypocritical I know) have a special disdain for dudes specifically seeking out kids half their age.

perdyqueue 5 5h11m

I didn't say that you did, and in fact don't disagree with anything you said at all.

For me, age gaps raise questions, but not ones that I think are appropriate to answer without context or sensitivity.

Yes, older people are of course capable of love and of being nice to younger people. There are also a lot of horrible older people who seek out younger people, too.

passivelyrepressed 2 5h35m

Sorry I misread it’s been a long day lol. I wholeheartedly agree with you!

HopelessSemantic 8h53m

Keep on mind the reason she was seeking therapy, and the kind of therapy involved. She was specifically trying to solve a problem that was affecting him.

passivelyrepressed 8h57m

Right. But trust me when I say that my ex tried to convince me I was a sociopath and had a drug problem (migraines had me taking pain meds once every other month) and when he finally gaslit me into thinking he may be right, he refused to let me see a therapist if he couldn’t be there to monitor what was being said.

My experience is sadly quite common in abusive situations.

1-800-BIG-INTS 13 5h25m

this has red flags all over it, why would anyone who is 23 date someone so old?

meepmaster7 25 6h28m

It's easy to believe age is just a number and love conquers all when you are young. The real question is why would someone so old want to date a 23 year old?

OzzyBoiiii 9h1m

Lmao that’s a simple answer, the body of a 23 year old is much different from the body of a 45 year old, let’s not play dumb here, 99% of the time that’s why older people date younger people

meepmaster7 9h2m

That's why older people fuck younger people. But for most normal adults the difference in maturity isnt worth the sex.

OzzyBoiiii 9h5m

Yeah the man just a perv he just wants young sex it’s pretty easy to see, 23 vs 45 is such a vast difference in life stage and maturity, it’s not even a question to me, he’s doing it for the sex 100%

HopelessSemantic 8h19m

Oh, that's simple. Predators love people who are easy to manipulate.

HopelessSemantic 8h16m

Having been in similar situations, when you are young, it feels great to have an older person tell you how mature you are and show interest in you. They seem like they have their lives together and it feels like you must be super special if they see something in you. There also may be the bonuses of money and freedom that a lot of people don't have in their late teens/early twenties.

That being said, now that I am older, I can look back on the guys who took advantage of those feelings and see them as the predators they are.

stickkim 1 7h37m

Good point. I’d also like to know why the hell this grown ass adult is storing valuable items (sentimental or otherwise) at her father’s home??? Are they friends??? How did this storage situation come to pass??

oldclam 307 2h2m

THANK YOU. 23 year old woman with father issues engaged to a 45 year old man? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

highly_riley 15 8h1m

Yeah I’m 23 and my boyfriend is 27 and I sometimes think our age gap is kinda big since I was in middle school when he was a senior in high school lol I couldn’t imagine dating someone in their 30s, let alone mid 40s at my age! My mom is 50. This situation is crazy for OP.

Ruthless_Bunny 187 3h31m

Is the 45 year old boyfriend also the therapist? Because NOBODY seems to have boundaries in this story.

Blahblahblah210 100 1h35m

I was thinking the same thing. OP, it sounds like you might be repressing memories of your dad molesting you? I hope not, but...what does your therapist say about that? It does concern me about the 45 year old boyfriend too...

passionatepumpkin 23 3h3m

Yea I couldn’t make it through the second paragraph. So disgusting. Literally twice her age!

wafflecone927 7 4h41m

You can’t give advice tho, if you didn’t finish reading it

passionatepumpkin 25 6h29m

You’re correct. That’s why I didn’t give any.

Malbethion 10 3h19m

.... with a margin of error of 0.1

FrostyPoot 41 3h25m

Yeah that was mostly to avoid the arguments I'm already getting of, " I'm in my 20s and fucking a guy 20+ years older than me and we're the best couple I know"

this-un-is-mine 55 5h49m

yeah, there are posts on this sub every single fucking day from a teen or 20-something dating/fucking someone much older than them who claims “we’re totally fine, i’m mature enough! the age isn’t a problem so please don’t bring it up!” then proceeds to write five paragraphs on how the partner is in fact abusive. the victims in these situations are deluded into thinking it’s okay. it’s not, it never is. healthy 40-somethings DO NOT WANT TO DATE college-age kids. that’s what a healthy middle aged adult views a teen/early 20s as - a kid. this is not okay regardless of how the victims try to justify it, which is incredibly common.

FrostyPoot 14 5h50m

I know I really feel bad for them. I imagine it's like being a good parent and trying to tell your kid you know it doesn't make sense to then right now but trust me! They usually have to figure it out the hard way :/

Stephearts 2 4h12m


amniion 2 6h53m

Thank you! First thing that popped into my mind too.

Ok-Firefighter-2266 2 7h10m

I’m so glad someone commented on this.

indoorleaf1234 9h2m

Really the post is about her pedophile dad molesting her and you have a problem with her age. Poor OP came here for advise not be told she has daddy issues and that her relationship is gross.

FrostyPoot 9h9m

I mean what advice can we give her about her dad. Cut contact and never talk to him again.. The issue I see is that she doesn't see a MASSIVE problem with someone she's about to isolate herself with through marriage and moving across the country with.

Degagesteak 9h10m

Right? What the fuck is wrong with these armchair psychologists.

Hey guess what guys, Freudian shit is out of style

ScadaTech 8h52m

My therapist (M75) literally just married his new wife (F24) last week. I’m so fucking confused that my brain hurts. He’s such a good therapist and helped me through loads of child sexual abuse issues. To find out he’s married someone 51 years younger has me fucked up. I mean, I wish them well. It‘s just a shock.

souroversweet 9h9m

Something is not right here. She said she hasn’t lived at home since she was 17, but her 45 year old boyfriend’s stuff is still there? So she was likely a teenager when they “started out as friends.”

JessandWoody -35 2h50m

Or someone could simply just fall in love with someone who happens to be older? I am a female in a relationship with a woman 20years older than I am and we I certainly never suffered abuse or have any traumatic experiences growing up! I actually had an idyllic upbringing.

As long as the relationship is healthy and the boyfriend is a positive, supportive and loving partner the age difference and the reason for the age gap relationship is actually irrelevant.

1568314 45 3h3m

The age gap itself would be irrelevant if the relationship was healthy, but there wouldn't be a "reason" for it in that case.

The fact that OP is only just realizing how badly affected she has been by her father's sexually inappropriate behavior means that it's entirely possible that trauma influenced her choice of a partner and she's never realized that either consodering how ypung she was when they started dating. And that is entirely relevant.

JessandWoody -18 3h12m

It’s ‘possible’ but people on here are making sweeping generalisations based on supposition and conjecture. You can’t do that based on a small snapshot of someone’s life.

Also, it’s quite possible that a lot of people’s experiences in their lives have an influence on who they’re attracted to, if her attraction to older men is borne of her father’s behaviour (and that is a big if) then it actually has no bearing on the legitimacy of the relationship.

As long as her relationship is healthy and she has a supportive partner who she is happy with, it doesn’t matter. I see absolutely no evidence that her partner is anything other than supportive in her post, therefore it isn’t our place to assume anything or judge. OP asked an unrelated question which had nothing to do with the age gap in her relationship.

1568314 14 3h23m

I don't disagree that if the relationship is healthy then it's irrelevant. I don't disagree that she gave no indication of her bf being anything other than supportive.

But that doesn't mean that it is above questioning. It is extremely common in relationships with a huge age gap that began when the younger partner was barely an adult for there to also be a huge power imbalance simply because the older partner is more established in their life. The risk for abuse increases with that sort of power imbalance, as it does when the vulnerable partner has been previously abused.

She is only just now realizing the effect her father's behavior has had on her. It's necessary for her to analyze her relationship with her boyfriend in light of this new information. If for no other reason than to bring her peace of mind. If their relationship is healthy and happy and her therapist agrees, then great.

People's concerns about it are very valid and the fact that she doesn't mention it is suspicious. Like if a lot of people get hurt doing something, but you didn't, you wouldn't tell people not to take precautions or be upset that people ask if you were hurt simply because getting hurt isn't everyone's experience.

FrostyPoot 32 3h10m

Even if this post was just about the age gap it would be an issue. That's fine that you're saying someone 20 years older but if you truly think a 20 year age gap is irrelevant in relationships you're delusional. So congrats on being the .1/10 but read her story. There is such a glaringly obvious issue here with the age. She's escaping with this old guy who doesn't abuse her like her dad.

Please don't advocate for women to be in unhealthy relationships just because you think yours is going well.

keepitorig -19 3h57m

And you’re assuming her relationship is unhealthy? I get it, there’s a big age gap, but it doesn’t automatically mean she has an unhealthy relationship with her partner. The speculations in this post are getting out of hand. Her question is how does she cut her father off, not whether strangers “think” her relationship she barely talked about was healthy or not. Most people wouldn’t actively advocate for someone to be in an unhealthy relationship. The reality is we simply do not know enough about her relationship to label it as healthy or unhealthy.

FrostyPoot 18 4h4m

I think based on how obviously she has emotional and sexual issues with older men it's not exactly a hypothetical... She wants to escape her family and get married away from everyone age knows to be isolated from all except her new old partner. I shouldn't have to justify how clear cut this is

ElanaAnn -38 3h11m

The age of the boyfriend isn't relevant to the issue. Chances are due to life circumstances she's into older guys that's not really anything to be ashamed of. At 20 I'm sleeping with a guy in his 40s. He's actually the only one of the guys I've been with who isn't toxic. Age difference does not equal pressuring or manipulation.

FrostyPoot 18 3h12m


StruansNobleHouse 8h40m

You have the same daddy issues OP has. When you're 40, you'll look at men who are 20 and think, "I would never date someone that young," and then you'll realize how inappropriate these relationships generally are.

hakunnamatatamfs 589 2h31m


Your dad is a damn pedophile, period. No man right in his damn mind would feel attracted towards a 11yo. Cut contact with him. He's who he is, he doesn't respect boundaries and he's a damn pervert, he won't change. Your mom is either blind or refuses to acknowledge the pervert she's married to.

Stay in therapy, work on yourself and for the love of God rethink your relationship. You have nothing, nothing to do with a man who could be your father. This age gap is predatory. A decent and emotionally healthy man doesn't date someone that could be his daughter. It doesn't matter that he hasn't 'pressured you'. You should be dating within your age group. This is hugely predatory behavior. You jumped from the pan into the pot.

normgirl 181 5h9m

That part really jumped out to me. He literally admitted to thinking about raping, yes raping because children can’t consent, her friend. What the actual fuck?? And mom is just like “that’s who he is”. What is wrong with her? I’d cut contact with both of them. No one needs a pedophile and a pedophile apologist in their lives.

hakunnamatatamfs 27 5h16m

Totally agree. Wtf

Potato4 423 1h20m

Worried you’re playing out your dad issues with this boyfriend who is twice your age.

Cut out your dad, continue with therapy even online if you have to.

nononoohgodno 126 1h52m

I was wondering if someone else noticed that. She's got mad daddy sexual issues (none of which are her fault!) and she's dating a dude nearly twice her age? Seems a bit...off.

Serena_Clement 128 2h1m

As someone who was abused by her father, please don't call it "daddy sexual issues". I know you meant no harm, and I appreciate that you expressed that it isn't her fault, but society has been blaming and shaming women for the neglectful and abusive actions of their fathers by calling it "daddy issues".

Just seeing the words makes me feel sick.

nononoohgodno 8 2h7m

I'm sorry my phrasing made you uncomfortable.

TerribleClarity 6 3h46m
Aethelric 41 6h47m

They're apologizing to a random person on the internet. The fact that they've bothered to do so at all makes it a true enough apology in this context. Policing their tone and diction when apologizing will not, in fact, improve the outcome of this situation for anyone.

nononoohgodno 36 3h50m

I apologized for what I was sorry for. My phrasing made them uncomfortable, my choice of words missed the mark of what I intended, so that's what I'm sorry about.

Qwerky1928 6 4h45m

The better way to say it is "I'm sorry I used that phrase. I didn't realize it caused discomfort."

nononoohgodno -5 4h51m

"Better" is a subjective term. My apology was fine and covered what I'm actually sorry for. Thank you for your attempt to assist.

Qwerky1928 4 4h54m

Your apology wasn't an apology at all and I can see from your comments that you aren't sorry. I used the word "better" because, unlike you, I try to be kind with my words. What I could have said was "Your first way of pretend-apologizing was an asshole non-apology. Here's how to not be an asshole."

nononoohgodno 2 5h1m

Apologies are only good if they're sincere. I'm genuinely sorry that my phrasing upset them to the point of feeling ill. Apologizing for anything else would be a lie. I'm aware that this doesn't seem like an actual apology to you, but since you aren't the person I made the apology to, who gives a fuck? They either accept it or they don't, my part is done.

Ambartenen -10 2h17m

How is it blaming a woman to say she has daddy issues?

She has issues stemming from her father's actions. It places all the blame on the father, not the OP.

perdyqueue 41 2h35m

"Daddy issues" has been used as a pejorative term forever. It has objectifying sexual connotations, and is used often simply to describe women who are overtly sexual ("whores") or rebellious. Moreover, saying she "has issues" also implies that she is "problematic". We all know, rationally, that it means the father was a piece of shit, but it's still not nice to be told you're a "case".

With respect, I don't think it's your place to try and tell an abused person why they should accept other peoples' insenstivity.

Ambartenen -7 3h8m

And I do not think it is anyone's place to tell me what I meant isn;t what I said. I was so crystal clear:


"She has issues" is not implying anything. OP has issues with older men. I have issues, I am in therapy, I am not calling anyone problematic except for the piece of shit father. Stop putting words in people's mouths.

perdyqueue 8 3h31m

Don't kill yourself on this hill. There is a real person in here who was hurt by your choice of words, words which have been used typically as an insult. And no, people are properly reading your comment. It's irrelevant because u/Serena_Clement already addressed what you said. It's you who utterly missed the point.

I know you meant no harm. [...] society has been blaming and shaming women [...] by calling it "daddy issues". Just seeing the words makes me feel sick.

Just because you put your little "disclaimer" to explain why you, personally, think those words should be acceptable, it doesn't mean they are. It's your ego that's blinding you to how insenstive you're being. What good is there in being "technically correct" (you're not even) if all you're doing is hurting other people?

This was your chance to be a big man, admit your innocent mistake, and move on. Instead you're doubling down and trying to tell someone they shouldn't be hurt by those words because of reasoning that you've invented. They know more than you ever will about this issue. Just be a decent human being and say sorry. It's not hard.


In case you're not willing to listen to someone who's given you their legit experience.

Serena_Clement 5 4h8m

Thank you. It is exhausting to speak about my pain, and I appreciate you taking the time to add to my voice.

We make the world safer for children to tell on their abusers every time we fight the shame. The only reason I didn't tell on my abusers, was because the societal shame made me think it was my fault.

perdyqueue 2 4h24m

Don't mention it, sis. I really commend your tremendous restraint and patience, the guy's a tool and his apology is one of the weakest I've seen in some time.

"I'm sorry you got offended", trying to pretend he didn't understand the negative connotations, telling me despite all this he won't even bother to remember not to use the phrase, making targeted allusions about PC culture. I'm his age and feel embarrassed on his behalf.

Ignore that shit, and I hope you feel better.

Ambartenen 1 4h47m

I'm literally an advocate for abused women. My wife works in treatment. I am sorry that the phrase upset her, but I was clear in what I said, and the phrase I used can only be construed as hurtful if you willfully ignore the context:


Ambartenen -2 3h43m

I replied to quite a few people but yeah, I get that in this one case someone was upset by a phrase. I just can't imagine remebering this one is not okay, on top of all the other things that keep becing not allowed. I cealry and deeply meant no harm and included ample context. I feel bad that user was hurt by the phrase, and hope that they don;t have to see it often. But I highly doubt I will remeber that this is not okay to say anymore.

Qwerky1928 0 4h47m

There are literally articles on this. That people have sent you. Don't be an ass about it.

Ambartenen 2 4h50m

And those articles deal with people using the phrase in casual ways as a joke. None of them addresses using it as a statement of fact.

SquiggleMePengu -6 4h2m

I mean, I could say "I like cheese" and offend someone *shrug*. One(or even maybe 10/50?) people may get offended by how they phrased it or what they said(out of the thousands on here) so they should apologise?
Edit: Completed my thought.

perdyqueue 3 4h5m

Haha, that would be an absolutely embarrassing false equivalence if you were being serious.

Edit: To your edit, a derogatory and sexist term shouldn't be used. No, we're not cancelling the entire English language. Just don't be an arsehole.

SquiggleMePengu 3 4h31m

I mean it wasn't a comparison, but way to miss my point. Someone is going to be offended no matter what. You're speaking to a woman who was abused by their father and first relationship, PTSD, BPD/Bipolar, massive depression(the list goes on). I sum it up by saying "I got daddy issues" because it's true. I have issues, caused by my father and his actions that are no fault of my own and I am not sorry for using the term. You can be offended but that changes nothing.

RoomieStruggles 22 2h37m

Daddy issues has been used and is being used oftentimes as being a derogatory phrase for women.

Even though the blame lies solely on the father a lot of people use the phrase daddy issues to twist the narrative and use it as if to shame or blame a woman.

“Kate called her boyfriend daddy the other day can you say daddy issues”

Or even when I was online dating / trying out online dating because I’m open with myself and I don’t shy away from things, people would often message me and ask if I had daddy issues because I was into bdsm. (I don’t, my relationship with my father is fantastic)

Ambartenen -5 3h7m

In that case, context matters, and I clearly said:


So for someone to take offense at my use of daddy issues here means they are choosing to ignore the actual content of my comment and focus on a non existent problem, as I in no way shape or form blamed OP, and made it beyond clear the father is at fault.

RoomieStruggles 10 3h11m

I’m fully aware of what you said. I was explaining to you why someone like the above commenter, could be upset or feel sickened to see the words “daddy sexual issues”

Edit; our original commenter who asked you to refrain from your statement was even kind and calm. Just expressed discomfort on a situation that is personal and was hoping to open your eyes to verbiage.

Ambartenen 2 3h13m

I guess I am missing something then. For it to be upsetting they would have had to ignore everything else I said around it.

RoomieStruggles 4 3h21m

In a sense. It’s not something that has been directed towards you or used to demean you. Even when expressing blame to a father or even when siding with op and expressing her father is to blame, because the phrase daddy issues hasn’t been used as a backhanded comment or snide remark it’s something that may not be easily understood as upsetting.

Sometimes when my boyfriend says something, the words can trigger me into reminding me of my abuser, the context is different and the meaning is not harmful but I’m still upset because it’s a trigger.

Thanks for listening though and looking at things with an open mind!

Ambartenen 4 3h28m

That's fair though, I appreciate the explanation. It's like when my wife uses a certain tone (just her natural inflection that happens sometimes) that reminds me of my mother, I instantly freeze up and my heart races and my mind goes fuzzy and I can;t form sentences. Trauma response. Thanks for being patient.

Serena_Clement 10 2h52m


You said this 40 minutes ago. It seems you already understand that "daddy issues" has shaming connotations.

The level of pain that comes from parental childhood sexual abuse is astronomical, and you could not possibly understand it. Please stop shaming us, and please stop asking survivors to defend why it's hurtful. It is exhausting. How about you believe my lived experience?

Some more lived experiences of survivors, therapists, and other women explaining the links between "daddy issues", victim blaming, and slut shaming: here, here, and here

Ambartenen 3 3h5m

I am not shaming you, or anyone. I even included a disclaimer.

I am sorry that you get upset by this phrase. Context matters. And in context I, and the person whom you originally came at, are saying that the OP has issues stemming from her father's abusive actions. No one is blaming OP, no one is mocking OP.

inna_hey 9 3h27m


Then just fucking say THAT, my dude. Using the word "daddy" here is weirdly infantilizing and gross. And anyway, people who are hurt by the phrase are telling you to stop using it, and there are a plethora of available ways of expressing what you mean without using that exact phrase (you managed to it all by yourself, in fact!). The phrase in itself triggers a reaction; it doesn't matter what it's surrounded by.

People are saying "hey, could you not?" and you keep saying "oh, but I must!" Your continued insistence on requiring that exact phrase to express this idea is weird!

Serena_Clement 7 3h24m

It's very simple to stop using words that are harmful to people.

Yes, context matters. The context is that these words have been used to shame women. Adding a disclaimer is akin to saying a racial slur followed by "but not in a racist way".

How many people have to say that t the words are harmful before you listen? Or maybe you believe you have the right to use whatever words and phrases you want, regardless of the historical context of the word.

Ambartenen 1 3h32m

I cannot think of a single way that someone could use a racial slur that would be comparable to this.

That said, another person did give me some insight on to why it upsetting for you to read that phrase, and so I am sorry that it upset you, and I hope you recognize the context I used used it in.

I cannot imagine I would have many other uses of that phrase in my life, but I will add this one to my pocket reference guide of things I am not allowed to say, just in case.

Serena_Clement 1 4h1m

I'm glad you won't use the phrase anymore.

Unfortunately, I don't accept your apology. I still do not believe you are empathizing and understanding my perspective, and I'm frustrated that it took others explaining that it was hurtful, for you to understand that it was hurtful. I told you it was hurtful, and I shared articles explaining why it was hurtful, but you continued to argue that I shouldn't be hurt.

This shows a lack of respect and empathy for the gravity of what we're talking about.

I won't be responding anymore, because I've reached my emotional capacity to defend the pain I hold from the years that I was raped and brutally tortured whilst held captive as a child, and simultaneously forced to love my torturer.

Shaming the survivors of childhood sexual abuse is why children continue to be abused everyday. If anyone reading this would like to understand more about the link between shame and pedophilia, and why shame perpetuates pedophilia, I spoke about it in depth in a reddit comment here.

Thank you to everyone empathizing and listening. by listening to the voices of adult survivors, you are helping to make the world safer for children. Thank you.

Ambartenen 4 4h18m


I was not shaming you. What the fuck? how is saying "OPs father is an abuser and OP did nothing wrong" shaming you or OP?

the fuck?

nononoohgodno 2 2h35m

It's not. I've come across people with that mindset before. Usually their actual issue with it is the casual word choice. To some people who have suffered from that particular abuse, speaking about it casually is treating it like it's not a big deal, that the victim should just get over it. This can feel like you're blaming them for letting something "as small as daddy issues" get to them.

Personally, I flip to the other side, and by speaking casually about what I went through, I find strength in not letting it be an anchor on me. But I see how it can upset others, everyone handles their trauma differently.

Ambartenen 3 3h10m

That's fair. And yours is the only response that did not skip my second line, where i spell out clearly that the blame lay with the father, not OP. Thank you.

nononoohgodno 2 3h17m

Well you seemed to understand that the context is important, so thank you. I know it's a touchy subject and that people process things differently which is why I made sure to acknowledge that none of this was OPs fault. I missed the mark apparently, but that happens sometimes.

Ambartenen 3 3h20m

You are a good egg. <3

whatmessisthis 327 2h3m

It sounds like your father was trying to groom you for himself and ended up doing it for a man 11 years his junior. Your mother also sounds like a codependent with the hoops that she's jumping over to defend your father's behavior. If your therapist hasn't already recommended it please discuss with her a program called ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) it also focuses on children from dysfunctional homes that include sexual abuse. Like many (myself included) it sounds like you come from a long line of family dysfunction and with the help of your therapist and a community like ACA you could find tools to start setting healthy boundaries for yourself and start to heal. Best of luck on your journey

Jeb764 23 5h2m

ACA was super helpful for me when I was younger!

makeVentilatr 8h41m

Thank you for the info about ACA, I never knew anything like that existed.

Rhakoe 202 50m

Cut contact. Your mother is enabling him and you will have to cut her too.

"your dad is your dad and we can't change him. I know he does things that aren't right but he is who he is." This is just sad.

Best of luck to you.

GreenOnionCrusader 130 2h6m

“Oh well, he’s a pedophile. Whaddya gonna do?” Shrug.

Yeah, those are the words/actions of a woman you want to be around your future children.

normgirl 34 5h3m

Along with all the other examples he straight up said he fantasized about having sex with an 11 year old. He is without a doubt a pedophile and a predator.


The fact that her mom says “he is who he is” to his abuse of his child is absolutely disgusting. 100% agree with you that mom should never be allowed around OPs future children.

Kaharaan 8h47m

That's the only comment I found reasonable until now. Everybody's blaming her for her current relationship, while she seeked advice about her abusive father. I don't know how OP didn't remove the post. I would have, since this subreddit is full of abuse searchers

Phantom_Nyx 192 2h10m

First of all, your dad is disgusting. He is a pedophile.

But also: Please do not move across the country with a boyfriend who is twice your age when you have childhood sexual trauma from an older man?

You should absolutely NOT isolate yourself from your support system when you have trauma from sexual harassment and abuse. Was moving across the country his idea or yours? If it’s his that is a huge red flag. Abusers seek to isolate you from anyone who would call out their BS so you will be more dependent on them.

I am personally against large age gaps in relationships for the reason that most of the time, the older person has some kind of maturity issue. Something that’s wrong with them that people their own age can see. So they seek out younger partners, because they are less experienced and can be easily taken advantage of.

Edit: reread and saw the part where you’ve been living with him for 2 years. So when he was 43 years old he was looking for girls who are 21? What is his bottom age limit? He wants inexperienced younger girls and that’s sketchy a f

JessandWoody -232 2h55m

That’s absolutely untrue. Age gap relationships are absolutely none of your business and absolutely don’t say anything about either party involved.

If you don’t like age gaps, personally, then don’t get into one. However leave people who do enter them as consenting adults alone.

Nurse_Hatchet 81 3h37m

I feel like your response was very reactionary to something you found offensive (perhaps you’ve has a positive experience?) as opposed to an objective observation/statement. I agree that it’s entirely possible to have a healthy relationship with an age gap, however in this case I think it’s unlikely. OP is clearly still working through some serious issues related to sexuality and father figures while dating a man twice her age. She was an emotionally damaged teenager when they met and he was a 40 year old man. Something’s not right with that.


Knale 76 3h39m

Seriously? You think there's no room to judge a man dating someone who was a fetus when he was 22? I don't care how healthy you or anyone else thinks that is. Those two people are not in the same stage of life.

Can it work once in a while? Sure, I guess, but I'd rather not play those odds.


Phantom_Nyx 52 3h28m

It’s not untrue. He is an older man taking advantage of an abuse victim who was barely legal or possibly not even legal when they became friends. That is grooming.

If you’re closer to 30 an age gap relationship is one thing and it’s probably fine? But she was BARELY FUCKING LEGAL when they met. That is EXTREMELY sketchy.

Lin0712 16 7h9m

and she was already a victim of sexual abuse from an older man. Add in him wanting to move her across the country and you got more red flags than the USSR at it's peak.

Olives_And_Cheese 37 3h49m

They do. I'm sorry, but they do. I'm in my late 20s, and I'd be weirded out if one of my friends wanted to date a 20 year old, let alone if we were in our 40's. The imbalance of life experiences, social station, and maturity alone is enough to raise a thousand red flags. A 20 year old and a 45 year old cannot have the same things in common - the basis for a healthy relationship is all off. That's not even including the rest of the situation OP is in. There is no scenario with a 20+ year age gap that is not in some way transactional and wrought with strings. People in unhealthy relationships rarely acknowledge them to themselves; the majority of people in these sorts of situations would probably say that they're perfectly happy and 'age is just a number' until they look back and wonder what the hell they were thinking.

JessandWoody -37 4h33m

I’m 29 and I’m in a relationship with a woman 20 years older than me. We have been together for four years and are extremely happy. We were friend’s beforehand and we fell in love. We discussed the age gap and decided that although it was large on paper, we barely noticed it. Four years later we still don’t notice it. There is nothing dysfunctional or abusive occurring in our situation, I assure you. We own a business together, have a dog and neither of us ever wanted children. We share the same plans and goals and enjoy working towards them together. We have a lot in common and our differences compliment one another.

You cannot objectively say that my partner and I ‘cannot have the same things in common’ when you don’t know either of us or our relationship. It’s judgemental and wrong of you to do so.

Reader01234567 28 4h57m

I think there's a big difference depending on the ages the relationship started. 38 and 58 - ok you probably had a good sense of self when that started, some experiences out in the world. 18 and 38? You're just starting to be an adult and figuring out how to be you and live, way more likely to be a situation where you are getting taken advantage by the elder partner. By 38 I assume you've reached whatever level of maturity you're going to reach and thus are on equal footing. At 18 there's likely a lot more maturing in your future.

There's also this existing bias by creeps to want to date as young as possible, 18 is legal age of consent. So it's an additional red flag, that maybe they just want any little kid and it doesn't matter what their hobbies, interests, dreams etc are.

My parents had a 9 year gap. And they were happily married for all of it. I'm not against age gaps. But I am leery of age gaps that go with relationships started super young.

JessandWoody -14 5h3m

I do get the young age thing. I’ve known my partner since my early twenties however neither of us would have considered it to be a viable relationship at that age.

However I do resent posts that assume that friendships that proceeded the relationship in respect to age-gap relationships had an element of grooming involved. Mine certainly didn’t however I know if I posted that my current partner and I met when I was 21 and now we are together I would have a torrent of posts saying how I was groomed etc. When that couldn’t have been further from the situation.

I think when we assess a situation online we need to be more careful about our assumptions - we have a tiny bit of information about this person’s life and it is too easy to make a judgement based on preconceptions which aren’t necessarily true.

Violent_content 18 6h8m

Obviously this preconception is. So whats your fucking point? You got an old lady and it works. Congrats. No one is talking about you here.

Lin0712 8 7h19m

He is mad for other people because clearly gromming never happens because it never happened to him /s

Violent_content 4 7h25m

How dare we judge something based on mountains of evidence!

JessandWoody 8h54m

Check out the edits on the OP’s original post. Even her therapist is happy with her choice of partner but it appears Redditors know better.

JessandWoody 8h53m

I’m a she, not a he.

Lin0712 9h6m

Good for you, dude.

knotsophia 8h49m

Just because it didn’t happen to YOU doesn’t mean that it doesn’t happen to other people. You being so offended over it raises questions, why are you so pressed if your relationship is so perfect? Happy people don’t explode the way you are. Are you having doubts about your experience? if so, think long and hard about them and figure it out and if not, then why are you so mad?

this-un-is-mine 17 5h53m

oh my god, you really are a fucking idiot. it’s very different once everyone in the relationship is 26+ and their brains have fully developed. but when someone is literally a teenager, 20, 21, 22, years and years before their brain has even finished developing, it is abuse, every single time. you think being ALMOST 30 and dating someone older is the same as being a 21 year old kid dating a 45 year old? it’s not. stop fucking talking.

Most_Goat 9 5h39m

By 25 you are at least fully done biologically growing and maturing as an adult, and have some life experience. I know at 25 I had already bought a house, new car, knee deep into a career, and a few romantic relationships under my belt. How many people have that at 21, when OP started dating a 40 yo?

Theshutupguy 25 4h16m

Oh come on, they absolutely do say something about the parties involved.

I'm 33, and it would say NOTHING about me if I started hanging around with 18 year old women under the guise of being 'friends'?

Dsrkness690 17 5h47m

We get it, you're in a relationship with a huge age gap. You're totally not biased /s.

JessandWoody -5 5h50m

It’s not a case of being biased. It’s explaining my experience. If people make sweeping generalisations and judgements about age gap relationships that I know are not true then I am entitled to express that without being told I’m biased. I could accuse you of being biased for not being in an age-gap relationship 🤷‍♀️

Violent_content 8 6h9m

You know it's not true...for you. Doesn't mean we are talking out of our asses about it.

MissSuzyTugboat 6 7h18m

You really want us to stand on the sidelines and refuse to help a woman in an ambiguously abusive relationship who is ASKING FOR ADVICE just because you think it somehow reflects on your life? Man shut up

JessandWoody -1 7h42m

She wasn’t asking for relationship advice- read her question.

She was asking about what to do about her father. She casually mentioned the age of her and her partner and as a result barely anyone has answered her question and has just been ploughing on about something for which she never requested any advice.

If you really wanted to help you maybe ought to consider staying on topic. I’ve answered her in the topic for which she asked advice.

amangogo 15 4h15m

yo if they moved in together when she was 21, and they were friends BEFORE that....... she could have very well been groomed.

this-un-is-mine 12 5h51m

YOU ARE WRONG. and the victims in these situations ALWAYS are the ones justifying it and defending it the hardest - they’re convinced they’re “mature enough” and “the age isn’t a problem.” IT IS, and it’s not a problem with the victim’s maturity, it’s a problem with the fucking middle aged man’s maturity. no healthy 45 year old would ever, EVER want to date or fuck a college-aged kid. it is not okay. stop defending this shit. you are so fucking wrong.

JessandWoody -6 5h53m

Lol, you sound calm, balanced, rational and not at all dogmatic in your post there. I’m convinced!

Most_Goat 5 5h35m

He is double her age and she wasn't even done fully maturing into adulthood (which is mid 20's, btw). That's fucking creepy, period. Age gaps when both partners are fully mature and experienced is one thing. Age gaps with a huge difference in life experience is an entirely different thing. Stop excusing this creepy shit just because she's over 18 and you have borderline-predatory fantasies of fucking a person half your age.

error40456 4 6h48m

Yes, age gaps means nothing, most of the time... but with this context, it means a LOT! Also, it’s not a gap, like 2 to maybe 10 years, he could be her Father

bcdreams4 112 1h25m

Oh honey...your boyfriend is twice your age and not that far from your dads...I've always dated older guys but...are you not seeing some pretty big red flags here?? Your dad really messed you up....keep going with the therapy, find a new therapist if necessary. 100% cut your dad out of your life...

Can you mom move and come live with you and your BF?? Or nearby at least??

The-Scarlet-Witch 78 2h24m

OP is dating a man old enough to be her father, and only a couple years younger than her parents. That isn't a healthy age gap in the least. 🚩🚩🚩

The family situation isn't going to improve. OP, leave. Your mom isn't in a position to fight your dad on it and clearly it isn't changing. Find some friends your own age to roommate with if you can.

ghost882 66 2h39m

What your dad did is nothing but borderline sexual assault. And no it is not normal. And WTF? Fantasizing about a 11 year old girl? Cut contact! And let him know why.

And none of my business but having a 45 year old boyfriend, who easily could be your dad, shows some really deep trauma you should probably work on.

jordantask 49 31m


Yeah you need to cut contact. Your family is extremely unhealthy to your psychological welfare.

-WhiteOleander 48 2h48m

I'm 37 and I have to tell you that a man in his 40s who dates a girl in her early 20s is disturbing. I know you don't see it now because you're young and you haven't had a good male role model, but honey trust me when I say that you should probably reavaluate your relationship with your boyfriend. I'm also curious about what your therapist has said about it.

throwingitallaway901 39 2h3m

This is called covert incest and it’s a tricky one. I had an older male relative do similar things to me. I’m sorry. Get away from him. Stay in therapy.

MargaritaMixForOne 38 1h1m

Just something to think about: maybe you don’t need to tell him why you’re cutting contact. In the most realistic scenario, what do you think he would take from it? If you don’t think he’d be receptive, perhaps it could be equally cathartic to write your reasons down just to read for yourself.

Clatato 15 1h58m

I get she wants to put it out there. But truth is, she’s unlikely to receive response which would be satisfactory. He’d probably deny it or blame her. So I agree, just cut contact. You owe him nothing.

DocVonMitte 13 2h5m

This. I cut contact with my mother due to poor boundaries including some sexual ones. I told her initially via text and was hoping for an acknowledgment of my pain or something. Instead she called me abusive and berated me. You can never get real closure with an abuser. Cut contact. You do not need to even tell him.

StarFruit123 33 3h57m

It scares me that the boyfriend is 45.

OceanSoulDreamer 32 43m

Could you maybe ask your mum to post your bf's things to you? I am very worried for you and this situation, it is not a healthy relationship with your father and you deserve a lot more respect from him regarding your boundaries. It would be a tough decision but it sounds like for the sake of your mental health and growing relationship with your partner you need to cut off your dad (at least for a while). I'm very sorry that you are in this situation and applaud your courage to seek help through therapy. Wishing you all the best for the future.

Quarkiness 28 2h15m

The weighing of the breast incident screams of sexual assault. If you ever desire to file a report, you aren't too late I think.

clumplings2 26 2h18m


..... Yeah

No wonder your bf is 45.

mysteryscienceloser 8h36m

They’ve been together since she was 21, so when did they start being “friends”??? I don’t like it

jjackj37 19 44m

Thank you for sharing. As a parent, it puts things into perspective of how the choices We make, have a lasting impact on our children.

MaLlamaMama 15 1h34m

Ok, so my dad started dating a girl barely legal and younger than my oldest daughter. I decided it was time to cut contact. What I did was drafted a text explaining that for my mental health I needed to cut contact with him until I hear that he has learned how to have healthy relationships with women.

I hope this helps. But like other people said, get your property back first. Then send the text and block him. It’s hard, but we can’t have predators in our lives or our children’s.

eggeleg 15 3h23m

So you got yourself a replacement dad. I think you need to be focusing on getting away from your wildly too old boyfriend before unpacking your daddy issues.

yeah-imAnoob 8h51m

Mmm I wonder why she gets so many flash backs...

heycowboy 14 2h57m

You should cut contact with father AND you much older boyfriend. You understand that you are with your boyfriend specifically because of your relationship with your father?

Hevsb 14 3h23m

I don't think you should be dating a man 20+ years your senior. I know that wasn't the question, but hearing how your father never set a good example of how a (older) man should treat a woman, I think it's fair to say you should rethink your current relationship. You're to young and inexperienced in life to date a grown man in his forties.

And as for your father, I'm sorry but this sounds like s*xual abusive behavior to me. Cut that man out after you got all your stuff back. And stay in therapy, because I think you still have a long way to go.

I don't think you should be dating a man 20+ years your senior. I know that wasn't the question, but hearing how you father never set a good example of how a (older) man should treat a woman, I think it's far to say you should rethink your current relationship. You're to young and inexperienced in life to date a grown man in his forties.

Erysz 12 1h24m

I cut contact for much less with my father. As the others mentioned before, ask your mother to post the things you still want to keep/save. Then go no contact. Even try to be low contact with your mother, to save yourself from the unnecessary information from your father. Concentrate on your own happiness! It's gonna be hard first, but as time goes by you'll recognise how less and less you think about them. If you lucky like me, he'll be offended by the fact that you not picking up the phone for him and he's not gonna call you again. Think about him as a bad example. How not to be a parent. This is the most he can give for you. You doesn't owe anything for them! Don't think you're less of a person by any mean, because you prioritize yourself and your mental health one the first place! He don't deserve regret. If you feel sorry for them because the no contact, try to distract your thoughts with anything like a good book, sudoku, baking, talking with your bf, etc. I hope you'll find your peace!

desbisous 11 2h6m

I think you need to get out. Your dad kissing you on the lips, making inappropriate comments, and even walking around make is some form of sexual advancing even if it’s not direct. It honestly looks like he’s trying to groom you by normalizing how all of this is since you were young up until now. And your mom doesn’t have the knowledge and understanding to understand how wrong and unhealthy it is for her to be with a man who isn’t a good father figure or any man to be in contact with any female. Most likely your mom is with him because she was not respected by a male figure growing up so she can discern.

Honestly, follow your instincts. You know this is not right, why stay? You will be in that situation for as long as you live there. A good father treats his wife respectfully, with kindness, gentleness, and love—who is able to do that for his daughter and at the same to model good character, values,and behavior— make you feel safe and provide an environment you can grow into a healthy individual. You probably can’t help your dad, but if you leave tell him how you feel and don’t expect him to understand. You can consider also reporting him. I’m surprised your therapist didn’t provide that as a option since your dad has been a sexual predator.

Throwrefaway19111986 11 3h41m

Yikes. At first I was like walking around naked is sometimes okay because families are different. Then it devolved into your dad fantasizing about an 11 year old. That is disgusting. Your dad is disgusting. You can cut contact with him. You don't need a reason, though there are many

NDaveT 10 2h41m


I would skip telling him and just do it. Telling him won't accomplish anything. He's not going to have some sudden revelation that he did terrible things and take steps to be a better person. He'll just find some way to downplay it or blame you.

pugapooh 10 4h23m

The father is a child molester. The mother is NOT. Protecting you. The boyfriend worries me. Please don’t move across the country with him.

Can you do telehealth therapy? This is too much for you to deal with alone. I am horrified by what he has done to you! I am horrified that your mother makes excuses for him!

You don’t have to have any of them in your life. You don’t mention a job or friends. Are you dependent on the BF for everything?

Wishing you all the best. Life has treated you like shit long enough.

Crapsakes 10 4h27m

Jeeesus fucking christ why are you dating a man that old? Holy fuck. I'm so glad I have a brain and common sense.

techsinger 8 2h50m

Oh, he's not a "closet" pervert -- he's a pervert. He won't change, no matter what he says, so it's up to you and your fiance to keep him out of your lives. It's going to be hard on your mom, but she's made the decision to stay with him despite what he's done to her children, so that's on her. I'd move halfway around the world to get away from someone like this.

iwillwhenineedit 8 3h0m

Cut contact with your dad, write him a letter and send it. Don’t go back to the home, don’t see your dad. Have your BF go get his stuff or have your mom bring it to you, there is NO REASON for you to go back.

Please go back to therapy, even if it is online. It seems that therapy is slowing unearthing repressed trauma and you shouldn’t deal with that alone.

Do not move across the country, you need a support system that isn’t your 45 year old boyfriend. In fact, I would recommend you break up with your boyfriend. You have serious sexual and emotional issues with older men (i do too), and you’re dating someone your fathers age, that is not healthy. There is NO WAY your therapist condones your relationship.

If you really want to be with your boyfriend, break up with him and cut contact temporarily. Go to therapy, learn how to have a healthy relationship with older men, and then reconnect. If your boyfriend isn’t manipulative/abusive (i personally think he groomed you, and is now attempting to isolate you), he should be supportive of this, even if he doesn’t think he could get back together with you.

gboslol1 8 3h32m

Loool oh my. That age difference with the bf. Fucking hell

Drincourt 8 5h17m

Something one should never, ever have to type is “My dad ignores my sexual boundaries.” I haven’t even read the post yet and I’m queasy.

ILoveNature_ 4 6h8m

When I read that first line I was like, wait, what? Those words do not belong in a sentence together.

Drincourt 1 6h11m


CharmedBat 7 1h9m

The best way might be to just stop talking to him and avoid him with no explanation. He doesn't need one. He knows exactly what the problem is.

Exact_Lab 7 2h53m


Never ever tell your mother or your disgusting father your address. When you leave - just leave. Don’t say goodbye.

When you’re ready to have children (if you ever want children) see a lawyer to make sure you’re living in the right State so your parents can never ever see your children.

KathAlMyPal 7 7h0m

I'm no expert but here are some things I see.

1) Your dad is not a bit of a pervert and it's not a matter of him not respecting boundaries. Your father is a sexual predator plain and simple and what he has done to you is abuse.

2) Your mother is an enabler. Her saying that he's just like that is an excuse. She knows very well that he is acting in an inappropriate manner.

3) Your BF. Whether or not he pressured you into something sexually is not the point. He is almost 20 years your senior and very often men this age groom younger women. Unless I missed it you didn't say what your BF's take on all of this is.

4) The fact that you have not told your therapist about your BF leads me to believe that deep down you know this may not be a healthy relationship.

5) I'm not saying age differences are a bad thing, but what I'm sensing here is a scarred and insecure young woman who sees "safety" in an older man that she didn't have in her father.

6) You don't mention what the therapist said regarding your mother and how she basically dismissed your concerns.

7) Get your BF's stuff and give it back to him and then leave the home....for good. If there is no good reason to maintain contact with your parents (including your mother who did nothing to protect you) then go NC.

8) Get back to therapy. This is probably the most important thing of all. You clearly haven't come to terms with what has happened in the past. I'm also in Canada (Toronto) and don't know of any therapists that have closed up shop. They are all offering either online sessions or socially distanced, in person meetings

9) Get out of the house, but don't commit to anything with your BF. You have suffered a huge trauma and should not be making huge life decisions - whether it be moving across the country with him, moving in with him or marrying him. You need to be emotionally healthy before you do any of this.

Like I said, I'm not a therapist and everything I said could be totally off base but this is my take on it.

Good luck and hope you are able to move forward.

Omniiglass 6 2h58m

I think it’s fair to point out your uncomfortable experiences with your dad and how it is not a coincidence at all that you are triggered when you are being sexually involved with a man your dads age. I’m surprised your therapist hasn’t mentioned this.

Secondly, writing him a long email after you get your daddy-issue boyfriends property back might be good. You can take your time, go back and edit it, mention your cousin etc AND it could be used as evidence in the future should a case come up. You can go NC after saying what you need to say safely. You can also let your mom know when you’re going to send it so maybe she can be at family’s for the weekend or out with a friend etc. This is tough, I wish you the best

Killer_Queeny 6 4h13m

Get everything out of the house and then I'd write a detailed letter to your father and bullet point every instance where he's done something that's crossed the line then it's all clear and laid out for him.

Going no contact is the only way forward. I hope you're OK.

To add: I definitely think the issues with your father is what led you to your boyfriend. It's very common.

reddishgal 6 4h29m

Sorry for you. But you dad is a predator. Cut ties from him and live your life freely, without him. And for the BF.. what else to say... Daddy issues here. 🚩🚩🚩

ThrowRA_ThrowAWAY8 6 5h4m

Hey I’m not trying to say anything bad about age gaps, they can be just fine. But I’m just saying that maybe you should consider your mental health right now, if you have so much previous trauma from your dads lack of sexual boundaries maybe you shouldn’t be thinking of having kids with an older man until you get that sorted, not saying your boyfriends a bad guy just saying you should really think through all this

this-un-is-mine 6 5h33m

you’re 23 and dating a 45 year old. you have serious issues. HE IS A PREDATOR. no 45 year old would EVER date a 23 year old if he wasn’t a fucking predator. that is seriously disgusting. you need a lot more therapy, you need to get that boyfriend out of your life, and you need to cut out your dad and honestly cut out your mom too. they are both abusive, they are both disgusting, they are both horrible parents, your mom’s enabling of your dad’s sexual abuse is disgusting, and the issues with your dad is likely the exact reason why you’ve sought out such an age inappropriate relationship - you have very deep-seated trauma regarding sexuality and what is appropriate. you have a lot of really serious work to do or else this is all going to ruin your life. i’m very sorry this has all happened to you, I hope you take this very seriously and remove all these people from your life.

sungodds 5 3h1m

please please please tell me the “sure it is. all men think like that” thing isnt true. some man just confirm this to me pleeeaassee.

Drummerx04 5 5h7m

About fucking 11 yo girls? No. Absolutely not.

Some men are uncomfortable dating a woman 8 years younger than them. Nothing kills the mood quite like "When I was in high school LAST YEAR...", and my 27 yo ass goes, "Yeah, no fuck that. I'm out. Nothing about this is worth it."

Don't get me wrong, men are some horny bastards, but the "father" in this post is a 8/10 on the creep factor. I'm leaving 2 points of space because there are always worse people in the world...

Basically, try to date men who are in your actual age group and you should be better off on average... and refuse to date anyone who won't take birth control seriously.

I don't think this reply will be the reassurance I initially intended... so I'm sorry, but please if nothing else, take every caution you can to protect yourself.

idxearo 3 3h20m

Pretty sure most men/males do not think like this.

yeah-imAnoob 8h54m

I’m a chick and I’d suggest at least 99.9% do not think this. And My partner threw up in his mouth when I asked, and said that’s absolutely disgusting, that’s not a fucking man.

EthanImagination 5 3h21m

Sexual abuse runs in the family by the looks of it. How many generators of fathers and brothers have been doing it? Also your mother didn't even seem to be upset, just a it is what it is. She is just as guilty.

Personally I'd cut them all out, gotta take care of yourself first. You can't put yourself and your own kids or friends through that.

It also may not seem like it but maybe bring the boyfriend up in therapy. The age difference may be related to all of this and its worth at least talking about.

dogsandtreesplease 4 2h51m

Cut contact with your dad and while you're removing creepy older men from your life, maybe you should get rid of your boyfriend too

itssthemob 4 3h18m

Date your age

lilith_fae 4 4h27m

You really show be discussing this with your therapist and not reddit. This is way above what some randomised keyboard opinions can fix

Meisje98 4 4h40m

Hey friend, I am pretty concerned about your boyfriend. It sounds like you may have been groomed from a young age to accept inappropriate behavior by older men.

Silvergirl7 4 4h59m

You are 23.

You get to choose who you want in your life.

Boundaries are not about what HE does, but what YOU do when they are crossed.

You can not change your father.

You can change your relationship with him. Cut him off.

ruckingroobydoodyroo 3 4h48m

Cut the dad off and ask your therapist the best way to get your boyfriend's stuff back. But also, Keep going to therapy AND DON'T move across the country alone with this guy.

OutTake2468 3 5h35m

If you can, your bf and you need to go to your parents place and get the stuff. After leaving, send your mom a message and tell her that your done with her enabling your disgusting father and you are not going put up with your father any longer. You are cutting them out of your life. Your mother is as much to blame as your father. Hes so disgusting and should be in jail for just touching you, but having your mom stand by and just say "it is who he is" is complete bs. He failed you and so did she.

Good luck with everything. I wish and your bf a happy life.

Lakers1985 3 5h49m

Its real simple, Dont interact with him on any level and leave him alone. Since your mother has defended his position, leave both of them alone and avoid them completely. Eventually they will call and you can always be polite, talk to them and dont let it go any further. Obviously you can never let him be around your children if you have any and dont invite them to your wedding. When they ask you straight up why you stopped talking to them, tell them straight up that as a child you was sexually abused and want no part of sexual predators and refuse to discuss it further unless they are both willing to admit what they did wrong, apologize and get help. Then you can decide if you want them in your life and how much... I think the less to none is better

bklynpeter 3 5h53m

Your father has not only "ignored your boundaries", he has sexually abused you. It may be difficult, but you can't avoid those words. Touching your breasts, kissing your mouth, talking the way he has; this is sexual abuse. Also, I am sorry to say, your mother has knowingly allowed you to be sexually abused. You need to get whatever you need to out of their house with someone accompanying you, and not only keep him away from any future children, but from yourself as well.

svnshineswift 3 6h52m

Your dad is pedophile and your “boyfriend” is grooming you.

felineflick 3 7h14m

Hey OP, I know you are seeing a lot of comments about your relationship with your older boyfriend as being unhealthy, and I know you are probably ignoring them because it feels right to you.

But honey, it’s not okay. I was dating a much older man for three years. I was 24f and he was 41m. I had an abusive relationship with my father, he was an alcoholic who would sometimes get physical with me so I also have “daddy issues”. I thought I was so mature for my age because I had to grow up fast so dating older was just what I always did. But it’s not healthy to have a age gap as big as I did, or that you do. It took my three years to finally see that my relationship wasn’t okay, I wanted more out of the relationship and ultimately to have children but he would be in his 60s when the children would be going into college. I’m now seeing someone who is closer to me in age and this is the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had, he treats me so well and I know we can grow old together instead of him growing old before me.

I hope this finds you and I hope you maybe talk more with your therapist about the age gap in your relationship. My therapist is the one who originally opened my eyes to the age gap that was in my relationship.

HeySally416 3 8h5m

Your dad is messed up and he desensitized you to what is not normal, including having a boyfriend with 20+ age difference. You are so far gone that you don’t see that as a problem, it’s a huge problem. I’m just floored. Please bring this up to your therapist.

nameused03 3 8h5m

OP has been groomed by the 43yr old "boyfriend" & endured covert & overt sexual abuse directly from her father her entire life.

OP needs to get the fuck away from both of these creeps & engage in intensive trauma therapy. It hasn't all come out of her sideways yet but it will. Speaking from experience.

BackAndNeckPain 3 8h6m

Wait so you were friends with a 40 year old at (I'm assuming) under 18, then shortly after you become an adult he falls in love with you? That, among a lot of other comments, have convinced me that your boyfriend is just as much a predator as your father, maybe more. At least your dad is doing it in a "this is how i was raised" kind of way. Boyfriend sounds like an active predator.

theseanbeag 2 5h6m

Your dad is a creep and now you've hooked up with a creep as a boyfriend. You need to get away from both of them.

AbbyDean1985 8h52m

I feel like this sounds harsh, but it's true.

mermaidavenue1 2 5h7m

Cut your pedophile dad, enabling/abetting mom, and you old bf out of your life. Rely on your siblings and friends and therapist for support. Whatever you do, DO NOT get pregnant or married until you’re farther along in your recovery.

duracraft_fan 2 5h25m

Definitely go no contact with your dad, but also dump your bf. You should not be dating a man twice your age at any age, but especially at 23 I would bet good money he is taking advantage of you.

currypoo 2 5h47m

Hearing about the age gap with your boyfriend and the abuse you've dealt with your dad I don't know if that relationship is beneficial to you

Painfulyslowdeath 2 6h5m

Should really Reconsider if you want to marry someone 20 years older than you.

You might also think it’s okay purely because of what your dad did. But it’s not a necessarily normal thing to do.

social_sloot 2 6h6m

I guarantee you are dating a man twice your age because of your issues with your father. You need to cut your father out of your life and also probably your boyfriend. This isn’t normal.

Greedy_Kaiser 2 6h17m

I haven't spoken to my mother in over 10 years. Best decision of my life. stick up for yourself, cut him off. You are an adult and if someone doesn't want to respect your boundaries, they get the axe (metaphorically).

More_Bored_Reiver 2 6h28m

Cut off your dad and your boyfriend. I know he seems fine now, but he's just stepped in to pick up grooming where your dad left off.

WhySoManyOstriches 2 6h35m

Op, you’re right that any further contact with your dad would be futile. And yes, you’ll want to get those things from your parents house. Does your Dad have enough of a set schedule that you know times when he’ll be out of the house? If so, and you know where these things are, go get them and slip out of the house before you’re detected. It’s all your stuff. And, if your boyfriend is the right one for you, have you considered that it won’t matter if you take a break for 6 months to a year? You may need time for your therapy to really set in and resolve w/out an older male figure in your life. I’m a huge fan of EMDR for trauma, and it may be your next step towards healing and you owe it to yourself and your future marriage/kids to get those things worked out NOW. Maybe pick a City you’ve always wanted to live, and transfer your work/school there. Have that vital “Last fling” so you don’t feel cheated later (even if you don’t feel like it yet- it’s an important self care precaution!). The reunite w/ boyfriend, announce that engagement or elope, and settle into bliss w/ all the crap from your Dad resolves and swept away.

tammage 2 6h37m

Do not feel guilty when you remove toxic people, even a parent, from your life. You’re old enough now to take control of how you want the rest of your life to be. Personally I’d write both parents a letter (I find it easier to express in writing) and explain how this had made you feel then and now. Be prepared to lose your mother if you do this. Many times they’ll take the spouses side. I wish you good luck and enjoy your life.

traumaticrain 2 6h47m

Yeah dating a man close to your dad's age definitely isn't causing anything internally

Atozman 2 6h56m

I don't have the qualifications you seek in a commenter and I'm sure that 99% of the comments you have already are saying what I'm going to say but...

Have your bf get his stuff and then tell your father what you have to say. Warn your mother first so she can protect herself if she chooses. Then move to live on the other side of the country.

Have your bf get his stuff and then tell your father what you have to say. Warn your mother first so she can protect herself if she chooses. Then move to live on the other side of the country.eve that nudist families without these messages do fine.

SlimeySage 2 7h22m

So your bf IS FUCKiNG 45 YO?!?! And you don't see any problems here? Daddy issues much?

One red flag over another. You should take a step back and reevaluate your life.

thisyriscrazy 2 7h56m

I stopped reading for a sec when I saw the age of your boyfriend. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Your dad is a major problem and so is your boyfriend picker. Your picker is broken. “Don’t worry?” Are you serious?!?!!

Nope. You “just happened to fall in love” Yeah, nobody believes that. Stay in therapy. Please

MissyxAlli 1 1h20m


Cutting contact seems like the only viable option. And like your mom said, he’s not going to change.

snen_48 1 1h32m

I think it’s a good idea to get your stuff back first. If you don’t want to go there you could ask your mom to send the stuff for you. As for being worried about your mom, you should talk to her about what she wants to do. So maybe tell her first about how you plan to cut off your dad.

urpabo 1 2h59m

If you are struggling it may not need to be an all or nothing thing. Maybe you tell your mom that she can come visit you, or if she totes him along that you will only participate if it is in a public place with company.

Go get your stuff when he isn’t there.

As far as your mom goes, she is her own woman. Given her response to you she has already made peace with him over his behavior, which should serve as a warning to you that she is not ready for change. Pick up your stuff and then tell her you are changing the rules of the relationship with your dad.

You will need to determine any scenarios where it is permissible for him to contact you, and that way he can’t reach out “unsure” if you needed to talk etc.

My sister cut my parents off (mostly her issues), and they don’t talk on the phone or visit. But we still do extended family events and such where they both attend and she is mostly civil. It doesn’t have to be black and white if you currently are safe and are able to cope with occasional interactions. Just set clear rules and adjust when necessary.

As far as you history goes, it feels gross I’m sure and he definitely has major issues. But let the past be the past as soon as you can. Learn what you can from it and use it to protect yourself, and grow as person. Best of luck in dealing with the traumas you have had. You are obviously caring person and often have others in mind.

BeatMeater3000 1 3h8m

Someone send this man to horny jail!

Drummerx04 4 5h9m

I think just regular jail would be fine for this guy.

BeatMeater3000 1 6h32m

Ya u right

Jimlowers 1 3h9m

I’m going to take a guess that your dads father abused him in those similar ways. Your father probably thought it was normal to think that way hence becoming like that. Your father probably has trauma when he was a kid, I think that’s what’s happening.

ativanman19 1 3h12m

I’m a father and my daughter is 15. 6ft1 blonde and “blooming” fast. After reading your story I’m shocked at your dads actions. I give my daughter shit for wearing crop tops and “exposing” things she doesn’t need to. I can’t imagine how gross your dad must make you feel. I have a hard time seeing my girl run to me because of her development, your dad is gross and cold hearted. I feel he’s a border line sociopath, if he isn’t already.

DrachenofIron 1 3h35m

Go get yalls shit outta their house and cut em off.

fundonttry 1 3h47m

Alright so, if you want to extricate yourself from the situation with your dad, even though you would ideally like to tell him the effects of his actions, and state to him that you want to be out of his life, that might not be the easiest way to actually achieve that. You could still do it, but it might be rockier.

One option is the planned phase-out. It looks like you’re doing well with that having not seen him since January. How about calling your mum’s mobile phone, or getting her to buy a really cheap one if she hasn’t got one, so you can talk to her directly without having to talk to him as the gatekeeper.

I’d say get someone to pick up the stuff for you from their house, or if you absolutely have to be there to point out what needs taking then make sure you have a couple of people with you for moral support.

After that, I’m not sure how far away you currently live from your parents but potentially moving away could help the situation. Your dad has been exerting his control over you during this time, with these comments and everything else, so when you’re somewhere where you’re free of that entirely then you may feel pretty good.

The fact that you’re having dreams about the situation shouldn’t be dismissed. Your subconscious is scanning through possible worst case scenarios and it probably has a point. If you have to see him again, don’t be anywhere near him at any point, and make sure you have several friends around with the instruction to help keep you several metres apart at all times.

Who knows where your mum is with all this. She should have left him already given everything you’ve said. Maybe she will one day, but that’s her problem. You can be free immediately.

People seem to think that being in contact with or even in close communication with their parents is kind of what everyone does etc. That’s not the case. You don’t need to be in contact with anyone in particular and that includes your family, or specific members of it. You can stay in touch with the ones you like, but do be mistrustful of the ones who don’t call out his behaviour or just say that’s what he’s like.

Do what’s best for you now.

Re the people talking about the age gap with your boyfriend, well sometimes there are deep rooted problematic issues with that kind of thing and sometimes there just aren’t. Both can be the case. Maybe have a think about it but don’t let it bother you too much if your boyfriend is respectful of you and never crosses any lines. Of course the second he does just get outta there too, but that would be the case with a partner of any age. Good luck!

AnnaBanana3468 1 3h47m

Yikes. Cut your toxic father out of your life

EyePretty9384 1 3h51m

sure, its reasonable to cut out toxic people to your life, no matter who they are. with that said, if you feel its best to your life to not have contact with your father, go for it. But youd be best to expect a lot of confusion and tension. I'd say probably anything in the ball park of negativity will follow if you go through with no contact. that's alright, it will he trying but stand firm! also, maybe you can get closure by directly confronting/addressing the issues and your reasoning by writing a lengthy letter. I do think that moving far away might be drastic though, don't let your anxieties or insecurities take full reign when it comes to big decisions like this. especially if it will end up hindering other relationships (like your mom, siblings,etc) in the end, do whats best for you! but be wise to not cut your nose off to spite your own face. best of luck

needtostopcarbs 1 3h59m

Why not just have your boyfriend go with you to get the stuff? But I agree it's not a good idea to tell your dad you want to end your relationship with him until you have everything. You don't need to go into detail since you already said stuff before. Just let him know the things he does you find completely inappropriate and you don't like it, it's caused a lot of issues for you and you don't think a relationship with him is healthy for you so you're done.

LetsGoAllTheWhey 1 4h4m

Can you pick up your boyfriends instrument while your dad is at work?

ipreferturkeybacon 1 4h5m

Take your bf with you to pick up your stuff. Have your mom get it ready so you just have to pick it up. Maybe say you don’t have time to hang around and have your bf run in to get it. Then write your dad a letter detailing everything you feel - mail it once you move and don’t give your dad your new address.

Chances are your dad already knows what his behaviour has done and knows how harmful it is to your mental health. It’s just gone on too long that he thinks he can get away with it and that he’s normalized it.

I don’t think he deserves to see you or be around you. Like you say - you don’t feel comfortable and don’t want to continue to have any relationship with him.

I don’t keep in touch with my family - for very different reasons but I just block them out and they don’t know where I live, work, my phone number or anything.

Good luck! You’re so brave!

schakalito 1 4h17m

OP I think you should ask your mother to bring you your bf's belongings. As for your therapy, it is important that you keep doing it if you feel the need to, even though you learned some tools. You can even have therapy over the phone or via skype! It is also important to realize that if you tell your dad you were uncomfortable with the things he has done, he may dismiss your feelings. Your mom may say the same thing. It is important to realize that they may not react the way you want it but you can find your peace within yourself and not in your relationship with your parents. Also be careful to have emotional support outside of your relationship with your boyfriend, because it is never good to rely on one person.
I know that this situation is not the best right now but I am sure it will get better ! It did for me, so it is not impossible.

MenmaWeFoundYou 1 4h56m

There has to be some compromise or effort on his part and so far has put in zero effort. His behavior is completely unacceptable and his refusal to change goes to show that he doesn't care about your feelings and you would be right to cut him out. I also agree with some of the other comments of staying in therapy if it helps even if its online. I wish you the best of luck

CoasterJunkie_1994 1 5h3m


ChaotiNeutrSamaritan 1 5h10m

Why do you think reddit will give you better advice than your therapist?

LazyLlamass 1 5h14m

maybe write him a letter? get the stuff, tell your mum what's going to kind of be in the letter and recommend she leave for a bit so there's no one for him to hurt or feel the immediate reaction from, and then just give him the letter and cut contact

Scary_Marzipan 1 5h16m

OP I really hope you take the time to think about what has been said to you on this post and update us. I know it can be scary to think about leaving a man you’ve know so long, but you’ll be okay and you’ll build a new support system. Personally, I think you should move and cut contact/build new support systems. Your mom might not of molested you but she let your father do it. She could and should have protected you.

icamom 1 5h22m

OP......Please work thoroughly through you abuse issues (and what your father did WAS abuse) before getting married.

As an abuse survivor I am begging you.

shaunabahnana 1 5h54m

Your mom made her choice and didn't seem to consider you. You need to make your choice. I believe every single word you said too. So I 100% think you need to cut the tie and go.

ariel-assault 1 6h13m

Please call CPS if your younger siblings are under 18

Tallpugs 1 6h16m

Wait up. Your boyfriend is double your age?? 45 vs 23???? And you think that’s fine????

SolemAutem 1 6h16m

Okay listen. You dont need to tell him a goddamn word. From what I've read in your post you have literally every reason to yeet this man out of your life. Family is the people you choose to hold close, not the people you were birthed from; knowing that, you dont need to keep your dad in your personal family.

If you're having nightmares like that and the only way they end well is that you have to murder your own father, I cannot emphasize this enough: GET HIM OUT OF YOUR LIFE. Theres no reason to save his behavior, theres no reason to talk to him, simply cut off all contact and refuse to see him. If hes there at family gatherings, leave the room; if he follows, holler for help. The fact that you're having these thoughts and dreams about him are not okay, and the fact that he isnt bothered by it is even worse. Hes definitely got some rapey-pedo vibes and your subconscious thoughts and dreams appear justified.

I sincerely wish you the best and I'm terribly sorry this happened to you. I hope you find the strength to cut this man out and never see him again. I also agree, let him nowhere near your children; itll only end badly.

nzur1 1 6h29m

Hey I know you’re getting a lot of comments about your boyfriend and you honestly should be. I was 19 dating a 31 year old and at the time I was like wow he’s so different he’s very respectful he’s a lawyer he provides etc. But now looking back on it I went from being in my parents house to his and then in a lot of ways being with him stunted my career goals bc it took my mind and time away from my goals, bc a lot our time was spent on his goals and where he needed to live etc. So really take stock and at the very least continue to advance yourself so that if anything ever god forbid happened you would still be on a path to a career and self sustaining life. For example after I broke up with him 5 years later I finished my bachelors and went to law myself

mama1210 1 6h44m

Seems weird that you have an over sexualizing father and you start dating someone who could be your fathers age. Maybe that could be looked into with your therapist. You clearly have dad issues and I’m not sure that’s healthy in trying to bring your mind away from that aspect of your life.

ghostybiscuits 1 6h47m

You’re dating someone twice your age, whilst seeing a therapist about your dad crossing your sexual boundaries.

Has the huge age gap between you and your BF ever been addressed in your therapy? Because you don’t say in your post, you seem to think this was a healthy ‘started as friends’ situation when it actually looks like you were groomed. Does your therapist know this? Has it been addressed? Did you feel this way before the idea was planted by the therapist?

usernames_are_hard__ 1 6h49m

Biggest red flag that youre in an abusive relationship is not wanting to evaluate to make sure you’re not. So, just make sure you’re really looking at your relationship. Take a look at some facts on abusive relationships and just double check. No one on here knows your relationship, but you do, so make sure you’re staying safe!

Meggy__P1 1 6h50m

Get your stuff, cut him off. Do it for you

just_a_sad_turtle_ 1 6h51m

This is a hot mess... Cut off your dad. Do not move with your “boyfriend”. Please continue therapy, there is a lot you need to get through. None of this is healthy.

GeorgeCostanzaSHMEAT 1 6h52m

I think the 45 year old is as much as a red flag and issue as your father

SevenGabe 1 6h53m

If your mom cares about you at all, she will get your stuff to you. I am 48m, and about 6 months ago through therapy realized that it's pretty rare when only one parent is to blame for behavior like this. [My suitation was similar to yours, but from my mom] I sent them both an email, a very nasty one and said no contact whatsoever and i wont take the time to go to their funerals. I listed some of the reasons. My dad emailed back and wanted to come over and talk. I gave that no thought at all.

Something odd, or maybe left out some info on your current boyfriend.  Something is WAY off there.

Best of luck to you in figuring this out.

Termsoe 1 7h1m

There is so much that's wrong in this post I don't even know where to begin.

Obviously you've already figured out with the help of therapy that cutting contact with your parents is ideal.

What's not ideal is to be in a relationship with someone twice your age. From the looks of things, I don't think that you've mentioned it to your psychologist. Also you've mentioned being in bad relationships and having bad experiences.

Maybe it's time to lay off of relationships and try out being single and finding yourself? I mean you do realize that he's not pressuring you to do anything right now because he has no control over you yet. But once you move far away, marry him and give him kids, what are you going to do?

That is usually when those types of men show their true colors and the manipulation and abuse starts out. It's like nowadays nobody thinks about consequences and just picks the second guy they see to have kids with. Yeah and if you have kids and things don't work out?

Who knows if he'll be able to pay child support for 18 years.

ItllMakeYouStronger 1 7h3m

I recently cut ties with my father for his racist,sexist, transphobic, etc. views. I was originally holding on because of my mom. She basically said the same as your mom, "He'll never change. That's just your father." After my father decided to talk down to a few of my friends directly, I realized my mental health and their safety was more important. If my mom cared, she would be okay with it, and of course at first she wasn't happy. My father got angry and threatened to throw out anything I had left in the house (without telling my mom this). I got a friend to help me and we took whatever we could find. After that stunt my mom was more okay with my choice. She now brings me anything she finds of mine so it won't end up in the trash.

Do what you need to do for you. Get whatever you need from their house first, then cut ties. Your mental health is important. If I do have kids, my father is not allowed around them alone, no exceptions. It is a perfectly reasonable way to handle your situation.

KyMussler 1 7h4m

I have struggled with this exact problem. Luckily I didn’t have to grow up with my bio dad. My awesome step dad raised me but my bio dad made gross comments all the time growing up and my parents paid him off for full custody because I came back from a visit and they have to do a molestation check at the doctors because something had happened.. my mom didn’t tell me that until recently but I tried to be in his life but he just makes my skin crawl. I just cut him off and stopped talking to him. My biggest regret is letting him meet my daughter.

Mary-U 1 7h8m

Get the property. Then simply go no contact. You don’t have to announce why or that you are. Just stop talking to him. Cut him out of your life. It will be hard since your mom lives there. Call or text her cell only

LesterFallsapart 1 7h8m

This post made me sick to my stomach. My father did similar things and I have had similar nightmares. The bottom line is, your dad violates boundaries. And that is violating. And he does it in a sexual way which is really disturbing. ....don’t let him gaslight you into thinking he is just being progressive “ok with nudity” parent. I’m a progressive parent- and yeah I took my kid to clothing optional places until my child was no longer comfortable with it. I think my kid was probably 6 or so the last time he felt comfortable being a naked hippie in the woods with a bunch of other naked hippies (nothing sexual happening - I would take him to hot springs in the woods- literal hippie shit). As soon as my son expressed discomfort with the nudity, we no longer did those things because developmentally children need to be able to establish boundaries over their bodies and be able to tell even their parents “no this is my body, not yours”. And good parents recognize that being really important to children.

Progressive hippie ass parents respect boundaries. And we never ever ever ever sexualize our kids. It’s fucking so disturbing that your dad joked about being sexually attracted to an 11 year old, and really disturbing that he touches your body without consent.

I vote for you cut off all contact. He is gross as fuck. Get your shit, act like nothings going on, then cut the fucker off.

Also, I really encourage you to go to therapy because this no doubt has affected you. Most therapists are doing Telehealth now so you can still get therapy while social distancing.

VeranoEte 1 7h20m

You need to move across country alone and block everyone including your bf. You were a 20yo w/ sexual trauma, he befriended you to get your trust bc he sees a victim in you. Please take a break from him and discuss this relationship w/ your therapist. Think about it OP. You keep finding abusive men, things got to bad sexually w/ your bf that you needed to see a therapist. Your ex isn't what's triggering you, it's being with a man exactly like your father.

I've been you. I blocked all types of relationships w/ men for almost 7 years bc of all my baggage & trauma. Your 23 and have a whole life ahead of you. Please move away from everyone, block them all, change your name & number. Focus on yourself, focus on your wellbeing, focus on your future. Men can wait. Buy a vibrator in the meantime. Please be safe. Sending hugs.

LokiTheMischiefOfGod 1 7h23m

If I was in your position, I'd write the letter, then keep it until the move. Get any property back, give them no address or a false address, polish the letter until it's perfect and as you leave, post a copy to your father, as well as copies to your mother/siblings/aunts/cousins, basically that you want to know why you're doing this.

If there's anyone you want to stay in contact with but don't trust with your address (and for me that would be everyone until proven otherwise), give them a burner email address you can shut down with no issues. Then I'd set up a PO box once you've moved for them to send cards etc too. If your dad starts using the email or PO box, then you know someone can't be trusted.

For me, with the PO box address, I'd give them all a slightly odd spelling. If it's Forest Lane, give one the right spelling, one Forrest, one Forestt, one Forist etc. The postcode is the most important part of an address, so misspellings in the road name aren't going to matter, This way you find out who can't be trusted.

AmeliaBidelia 1 7h23m

You could always just stop talking to your dad, you don't need to voice it to him. Also, are you sure the age gap between you and your BF isn't something that may be causing you indirect trauma from your dad being kind of a sleaze?

blackwidowinsc 1 7h26m

My reasons for disconnecting with certain members of my family are no where near as bad as yours, but I’ve been able to do it successfully.

The problem is you seek validation from your dad. You want him to understand your feelings and to apologize. You want him to change who he is so that he can be the father you need.

I’m here to tell you that’s not happening. I’m also here to say, you don’t need him to. You’re a grown adult and you no longer need to be parented. You don’t need him or your mom in your life (unless there’s something we don’t know, such as you rely on them for financial support) and it would benefit your emotional and mental health to distance yourself from them. It’s not easy, but it gets easier. Best wishes.

stickkim 1 7h28m

I’m confused why your boyfriend has anything at all to do with this story. Clearly, you know in your heart it isn’t as healthy as you wrote down or it wouldn’t even be worth mentioning. Simply saying “I’m afraid to cut my father off because he has some of my SOs property” would have made perfect sense and probably no one would’ve even cared to ask how old your boyfriend is.

You should cut your dad off if that is what will bring you peace, but don’t hide behind your (way too age gapped to be healthy) relationship with your boyfriend to put that distance between you and your father. You do not need a father figure to be happy and healthy, you can be a whole person by yourself.

psychologygeniusthro 1 7h31m

You need to cut your mother off too. She enabled all this. You think she didn't know or notice? She did, but was too spineless to protest or maybe she even enjoyed watching you confused and being taken advantage of. You have shitty parents, I'm sorry. At this point, you're the only person who needs therapy. They seemed to enjoy whatever happened. Don't engage with them. Protect yourself and your family from a pedophile and a woman who enjoyed watching her husband being a pedo with the child.

soccermom789 1 7h35m

Please follow the comments about mental health, and your 45 year old boyfriend. Honey get out and get your own life. You have to grow with someone your age. And you can do that. Let time intervene. Hell if it takes you two fucking years to get on your own get a therapist and do your own thing, you’ll still be ONLY 25 when you are ready to do things right. Slow down, but get out of all of this. And into things that only benefit and correct for you, your past and future

UnfairSpecific9189 1 7h35m

You were abused. He is more than a pervert. He is a pedophile.

whitedranzer 1 7h37m

Make a causal visit to collect your stuff. Then talk to your mother, and let her know that you're completely cutting him off and she can either acknowledge that what your dad was doing may even constitute as rape and was wrong etc or you cut contact with both of them. In any case cut contact with your father. Maybe even get a restraining order so he can't try to get into your life. I'm so sorry that you went through this. And I sure hope that you don't ever have to deal with that guy again.

Organic_Pangolin_691 1 7h37m

To randomly say a 40 dating a 23 year old is abuse just because of the age difference is dumb af. Abuse is only related to behavior not age differences between adults. She is an adult. 18 year olds are adults. Thats how it works. A 40 is an adult, not satan.

As for the matter of the dad. Nudity is sus, but he never touched her. I had a cousin and his mom who would use the bathroom together. Like he would be brushing his teeth and she would use the toilet. Thats a boundary violation for me but not abuse.

atee55 1 7h42m

Okay, reading the comments I think a lot of redditors are getting confused here.

- She has been living with her boyfriend for two years, but that could have been AFTER she had the manipulative friends w/ benefits causing her to have some issues in her sex life with her now boyfriend


- Regarding the breaking things, I believe she is referring to her father, not her boyfriend. Saying that her father would get so mad at what she said that he would break things that have value to her or her boyfriend.

" I don't want my father to destroy it (it has some sentimental value to my bf), because he likely would get so angry to break things. "

She is not seeking help about her relationship with her boyfriend at all and I think we need to move away from that. She seems genuinely happy with her boyfriend and it sounds like he is doing his best to support her with her emotional, mental and physical well being. Her post is about how to cut contact with her perverted father that cannot respect her boundaries.

OP, I think the only way that you are able to do this is to start grabbing your stuff and your boyfriends stuff from your parents house without spilling the beans. And when you are ready, write your father a letter expressing everything, so he doesn't have any openings to have a response and try and defend or justify his behavior.

I wish you the best of luck.

positivelypeaches 1 7h50m

I have a lot of other problems with her, but my mom did a lot of similar things and it's absolutely unacceptable and has affected me greatly. These things have stopped as we finally convinced her to go to therapy and I've moved states away. My best advice, cut contact. He's had his chances and even your mom is enabling his bullshit behavior. These are not people who deserve your time and love.

jerseygirl1105 1 7h55m

Get this man out of your life. I'm so, so sorry because I know he's your dad, but his behavior is criminal and pathological. Your mother, unfortunately, enables his behavior, so I'm not sure you'll be able to maintain a relationship with her either. So sad, but 10000's times NOT your fault. You are a victim.

AdeptHumor9203 1 7h55m

The dreams sound concerning... is there more memories that your mind is suppressing? I’d personally continue therapy, focus on yourself and dump the guy that’s old enough to be your father.

Bibi77410X 1 7h57m

Firstly your TL;DR there is nothing closet about your dad. Adults around you have known for years and not protected you and so enabled him.

I(47F) have kind of been in a similar but different situation to yours. I was in my mid 30s when sitting in a Psychology lecture on the developmental aspects of various types of child abuse, it dawned on me that there were labels for my childhood experiences and that’s as far as I will say. This revelation took me off the rails for a bit, shall we say, but I am doing okay now and you can too.

My advice to you would be to take your bf’s stuff well out of harm’s way and then do what it takes to break contact with your father. There is nothing of any value that man will offer you. It can only maintain the cycle of pain, confusion and rage I imagine you to have gone through.

You don’t need to worry about your mother. She is well able to attend her own needs. She has done so by appeasing this man at the expense of her children’s welfare for many years now. She’ll be fine.

I think it’s a great idea you start a new life for yourself away from these people and I send you the best of wishes for your new adventure.

Just to say I have been NC for 22years now. Not because of the above issues. As you can imagine parents like that come with a whole host “problem” behaviours. I have no regrets and have managed to retain relationships with family members that were important to me. The people who matter will put in the effort to keep your relationship because they truly value you.

Good Luck!

notsuperoriginal 1 7h59m


daddysbrattykatty 1 8h0m

Okay so my boyfriend was abused by his adoptive parents ( not going in depth because not my story to share) long story short he left home early and has had a really rough life, he completely cut ties with them because of the things they did to him (they refuse to admit they did anything just always I don't remember that). After I came into his life (I feel like I've gotten him to be more open, mostly with me but progress is progress, and he's slowly started talking with them again. His mom really misses him so it's mostly for her benefit than his, he does miss the good times with her and they are still his parents, but it's only ever talking and they go months before either one will try to reach out to the other. He's states away from them so I think that helps. But as they say time heals wounds, it's not healed fully but I think he would regret not talking with her at least that little bit. Basically yeah I think separating yourself is a good idea it's what you need to be out of that toxic relationship, but don't stay away if he ever tries to heal things between you and it seems genuine, just don't all out trust him again that's an easy way to get hurt

GlitterDrunk 1 8h4m

You need to get rid of both them. Your bio dad has been sexually abusing you all your life with his lack of clothes, kisses you don't want, comments he makes, etc. Your surrogate dad is sexually abusing you by having sex with you.
Run from both. Sure, get your surrogate dad's stuff back and then go NC from all three of them. Make friends and date people your own age!!

Icebot 1 8h6m

It's sad that your Dad's behavior has fucked up your dating life too, dating someone the same age as you Dad isn't normal.

BackgroundElegant 1 8h12m

Sorry you wasted so much money on a professional when you could have just been told your boyfriend is way too old for you. There is no context or detail or anything you could say that would make your relationship okay.

You've gotten great advice regarding your dad already. Has it occurred to you that you dating someone old is likely related to your daddy issues?

AlwaysChooseTasty 0 2h24m

I want to praise your bravery for looking at all of this with clear eyes. You are making the right decision.

Qwerky1928 7 5h1m

What right decision? She's moving from one pedophile's home to another.

schecter_ 0 7h49m

There are so many thing wrong with this, You need to stay as far as posible from your dad, He's a creep AND this relationship of yours, I don't want to be judgementalbut He is too old for you, I can't see how dating someone that old could be good for you espacially in your situation.

TazeTake -1 6h33m

Just a side note, you need to add a lot of trigger warnings here or cut out a lot of it. You literally sent me into panic because I didn’t expect all of the details of sexual misconduct/incest to be in here. I can’t really say I have any advice since I couldn’t finish it but good luck to you and your family, I hope it works out best for your mental health

BenefitIllustrious54 -14 5h56m



bpuserid 5 7h16m

Jesus fuck calm down yes he's a nonce and she's an enabler but Jesus fuck the nonce needs arrested but the enabler does not need stewed in a fucking pot

JessandWoody -16 2h58m


There have been many comments slamming your relationship due to an age gap. I’m in a 20 year age gap relationship and it is completely healthy and actually quite wonderful.

You have been with your partner for two years, if there haven’t been any red flags by now then please don’t listen to judgement Redditors who don’t know you or your boyfriend.

Get your boyfriends things from their home and cut contact with your Dad if that’s what you want to do.

TheLurkingMenace 19 3h45m

As an older man myself, it's not about the age gap itself. Her father has been - and is - sexually inappropriate with her, she was in a manipulative relationship last, and now she's in therapy for some issues she's having with her boyfriend and you think her relationship with him is healthy? I'm sure he's a great guy and treats her well, but that doesn't mean this is healthy. At best, he's a substitute father who treats her better.

Jeb764 9 5h8m

We’re you sexually assaulted and groomed by someone who was your partners age? If not than your situations are not the same.

peacholantern 8h25m

Did you also have such a traumatic upbringing?

I spent a lot of time in my twenties dating/sleeping with men decades older than me and every single one of them turned out badly for me and eventually led to more traumatic experiences.

There is a very slim chance of a relationship with that age gap working and being healthy but the absolute bottom line to this is the trauma involved. I don’t know how to make text bigger on mobile but I want to make this very clear, BOTH PARTIES NEED TO BE IN A HEALTHY MINDSET WHEN ENTERING A RELATIONSHIP WITH THAT BIG OF AN AGE GAP. That is clearly not the case for these two.

I’m glad it works for you, but this is explicitly red flag territory on every level.

Edited for auto correct.

serviya11 -16 5h52m

Add me snap: serviya_servi20

lizaanna 9h3m

I think the age gap between you and your bf needs a second assessment IMO. I can see the edits but still not normal

Tyrone_Cashmoney 9h6m

Lady so many red flags about the situation with your boyfriend. He sounds like a predator, dont move with him and for the love of god dont by a house together holy shit.

Theres a reason he picked you, problems give him more control, you moving away from the people you know gives him control. You being tied to a mortage payment gives him control.

8Ariadnesthread8 9h9m

Yeah you're allowed to cut this guy out of your life. and, you're allowed to be really mad at your mom for knowing about all of this and allowing it to happen.

I'm also a little bit concerned about the age difference between you and your boyfriend. To say you have Daddy issues is not up for debate, it's why you came to this place and made this post. this guy is way older than you. I'm not saying that he's abusive or taking advantage of you. But, I'm also older than you and a woman.

to be honest, there's not that much that a 23 year old female should be able to offer a 45 year old man. maturity wise, you guys should be in different universes. it's not always the case, but it's very often the case that older men who seek out much younger women do it because those women are naive and bad at setting boundaries. You are somebody who doesn't even have a healthy context for boundaries let alone know how to set them in the way that a healthy 45-year-old woman would. Often, the men in relationships with this kind of age difference benefit from being allowed to engage in behavior that women their own age would no longer put up with. And, the thing is that you're so young that you can't even see it if it's happening. you would have absolutely no idea, because you just don't have that much life experience yet. so I'm going to encourage you to spend some time digging into that with your therapist and being open to the idea that this guy may or may not be the one for you in the long run.

Tad_-_Cooper 9h10m

Your father groomed you and now you're into people twice your age. Get a better therapist.

those_silly_dogs 9h1m

OP, you have daddy issues. Your old boyfriend groomed, a little girl with lots of issues so he can ultimately isolate you. When you get into your late 20s, you’ll see how disgusting how he preyed on you. You’ll see how a man in his 40s has no business getting it on with a girl in her early 20s. There’s something wrong with him. Usually people his age won’t take his bullshit so they prey on vulnerable girls. You think you’re in love and you might be but this fucked up.

Blonde2468 9h2m

You are absolutely right, ‘having been a victim of abuse does not in any way excuse becoming an abuser yourself’. My mother was physically and verbally abusive and thanks to a good therapist, I cut off all contact with her. I didn’t discuss it with her I just did it. She pushed back several times but I held firm and that’s how it was until she passed away a couple of years ago. Sometimes you have to save yourself and not worry about others. When/If he pushes back, just stay firm and consistent. He’s not going to like you doing this because that means he did something unacceptable and he’s not going to like that. Just stay strong and stay in therapy as long as you need too.

jessicaslovely 9h4m


Perhaps you are freezing up and crying because deep down inside you do not want to have sexual intimacy with this man, is this the first time that you have these reactions?

Definitely worth looking into more before making any drastic moves.

Piepony 9h10m

I am the tactless filterless dude in my family but I don’t engage in the behaviours you have highlighted, so I’m not quite directly analogous. If you can’t just grab the stuff and go, you don’t want him to see it coming. I’d act like you are trying to work on the relationship and build bridges, maybe you aren’t committed to fixing things yet but you are hopeful, something along that line. If there are multiple things that need to be grabbed, do not take all at once, and try to have a reason if it comes up (don’t offer a reason unless asked), like the musical instrument could be because your bf wants to start practicing again, keep it simple but anticipate at least one follow-up question. Don’t be surprised if he pushes others against you after you ghost him, and your relationship with your mother is pretty much guaranteed to suffer (I’d suggest you be prepared to ghost her too, since she clearly chose her side, but most people won’t ghost their mom so dealers choice).

I hope things improve for you, and while I wanted to focus on the subject for which you requested advice, I do think there is merit in seriously considering some of the advice mention in this thread regarding your bf.

zongo1688 8h21m

23f, 45m. Full stop.

throwRA5276 8h23m

I added an edit to the original post, under the TL;DR, to clear some things up.

Clearlybadstudent 8h19m

Your father is a creep and terrible human. Cut him off forever.

But to be clear. There is nothing wrong about walking around naked infront your kids. Plenty of households do that. Plenty of cultures do that. If you think its wrong for family to see each other naked on the reg. Youre probabaly raised by puritan Christians

dewover 8h20m

Here’s some fun math. The rough rule of thumb is that you shouldn’t date anyone younger than your age divided by two plus seven.

That makes your boyfriend’s cutoff 45/2+7= 29.5

Take the difference between that and your age (6.5) and divide it by his age (45) to get a rough idea of the scale discrepancy (14.4%).

Now let’s look at you. Your cutoff is 23/2+7= 18.5

Next take into account the discrepancy we calculated for him, but applied to your cutoff 18.5-(23x14.4%)= 15.2

How would you feel about dating a 15 year old? Like a fucking creep I’d bet.

I4getstuff 8h21m

Cut contact. Talking to him won't do any good. It would be a waste of time and effort.

But I also think you should talk to your therapist about your relationship with your BF, because that agegap is textbook "daddy issues", and not healthy.

Kattherat34 8h22m

I say cut contact. Your dad is obviously not gonna stop that behavior. Just make sure to get your stuff first. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. I wish the best for you and your bf

2bERRYoPERA 8h26m

Get the boyfriend stuff out.
Then sever contact with your Dad. Has has a mental disorder that won't get better and will continue to hurt you and your family. His wife, your Mom clearly can't face it so you have to be the one to act.
You don't need to explain anything to anyone except the BF. When family calls and complains just tell them "its my decision and that's it and I'm not interested in talking about it".
The sooner you cut him out, the better the rest of your life is going to be.
I had a similar thing with a brother who has anger issues because our parents died young in a fire and he felt abandoned, then married one inappropriate woman after another and when that didn't work he claimed they "left him, just like my Mother".
So now he's angry and 6 months ago he was jumping all over me at a family event and I cut him off and left and I've had nothing to do with him since. I don't need to explain myself and I don't need anyone else's opinion.
When someone is a cancer in your life you cut it out and walk away and feel good about the positive change you made in your life.
Move across the country as soon as you can and never let your father back into your life.
He's sick, won't change...no chance of that...and nothing you do or anyone else will do...is going to change that.
Move past this, get on with your life.

TheBeedo11 8h27m

Not advice and not excusing your father’s behavior, but I wonder if your father and his siblings also experienced some type of sexual abuse growing up for them to do these things.

MinnestoanForLife101 8h28m

Wait a minute is your boyfriend 25 or 45.

uwuuwuuwuuwuuwu5259 8h29m

You could grab your stuff and simply lose your parents number

anditsburningbright 8h34m

I would honestly start ghosting.

I have a certain member of my family I just decided to ghost. She did awful things like steal from her siblings, beat her kids. Family isnt everything and it doesnt excuse certain behaviours.

daysinnroom203 8h37m

I mean this in the kindest way possible. Your brain is not done developing. You are not your fully formed self yet. Your boyfriend had lived and experienced life. Throw your childhood trauma on top of this situation and it’s a recipe for...... well.... not good things. Be with him for now if you’re happy- if just hold off on marriage and buying property together- anything that ties you. You will change in the next few years, you may end up wanting different things. When I was 18 I gave myself to a boy because we both loved the same music. Now that my brain is developed- I realize that’s the stupidest reason in the world to commit to someone.

JennShrum23 8h40m

The biggest lie most of us perpetuate is you have to stay in contact with family. You don’t.

beatsbypre 8h42m

Your boyfriend is likely a creepy dude. 5 years ago you just turned 18 and your boyfriend was already 40 years old. Ask yourself, why would a 40 year old want to hangout with with an 18 year old? It's probably some barely legal kink he wants to fulfill. Be careful, be conscious, you might want to get away from your abusive dad and replace him with an abusive partner.

cazzypips 8h44m

Sorry about all this.

I have no problems with nudity - it’s our society that does. However all the other stuff is disgusting.

I have to wonder if your mum knows the full extent? When she visited the therapist and defended him did she know ALL of it? Like him touching your boobs, saying he had sexual fantasies about your friend at 11?

If not I do think she needs to know.

Maybe she does know and just buries her head in the sand? We hear about parents ignoring their children’s abuse and putting their spouse/ partner first. Crazy to me, but it happens.

Anyway I’m glad your under therapy. I agree go one last time to gather up all your stuff.

It’s then up to you whether you make a demonstrative gesture of cutting your father (and mother by proxy I guess) out of your life. You have every right. Or just go super low contact.

Good luck.

Helga_Huff-Le-Puff 8h47m

I’m so sorry about this experience. I encourage you to move your stuff as soon as possible and then cut the relationship off. I would consider a storage unit or see if you can have it shipped using those pod storage options. I know that can get expensive but it seems like a smart choice that will save you emotional costs in the long run.

ScadaTech 8h47m

I (m37) was molested by my father until I was 11. I was in my late teens before I realized how fucked up it was. I was in my 20’s when I cut him out of my life. I was in my 30’s when I finally took action and put him in prison for 30 years. My advice is tell him to fuck right off. Fuck his feelings. Fuck his ideas of what he thinks is and isn’t appropriate. It’s far more satisfying to live your life without a toxic piece of shit father to worry about than to spend it wondering how and when to tell him how you feel. I understand your position. I was there. Rip it off like a bandaid and tell him what you think. Then tell him he’s lucky he’s not in prison.

Edit: I got emotionally aggravated by the story and forgot to check spelling and grammar.

enlolo 8h47m

This is a fucking mess and I know you’re not looking for advice on your 40+ year old boyfriend but you need to RUN from him AND your dad.

Your therapist said your experience falls under sexual abuse so it’s understandable that you don’t see what’s wrong with that situation. But please fucking RUN.

fuzzydaymoon 8h49m

I agree with the top comments and don’t want to say what’s already been said, but I haven’t seen many people answering about your mom and brother so I’ll share my thoughts on that. I understand that putting your mom in potential danger is very scary, but you need to do what is best for yourself. Your mother is a grown adult and you can only do so much. I would suggest having a conversation with her outside of the home if possible (once everything of yours/your boyfriend’s is out and you have cut ties) about helping her out of the situation. But if she still is in denial, you need to be able to let go of the urge to change her mind — for the sake of your health and safety. As for your brother’s opinion on your relationship, I’m assuming he was subject to your father’s abuse as well, so his views may be skewed. I would highly recommend holding off on moving in with your boyfriend and starting a family with him until you have spent time to yourself and healed more. You may not see them, but as an outsider who has experienced similar, the red flags are definitely there. If the relationship is healthy like you say, your boyfriend should have no problem giving you the time you deserve. That would ensure that you are able to fully reflect and analyze on the ways your father could’ve impacted your relationship and standards.

MysteryMeat101 8h52m

Have your bf go get his item. Co dependency is when a person could do something but they don't or won't so you do it for them. Your bf's item being at your parents house is causing problems for you now and will in the future. The best thing to do is for him to retrieve it now. It's not fair that he's putting you in a position to have to deal with an abusive perv over something that is his.

Go no contact with your family. My mother was a lot like your father and it is scarring. I went no contact with her after many years of hoping she'd get better and pretending like she was not the monster she was. She was abusive my entire life and never got any better. I went to therapy and got better and realized she was making my life/feelings/emotions worse. I don't regret her not being in my life at all. My mental health has been so much better now that I don't have to fear and dread interactions with her.

I also sought out an older man when I was young and that resulted in more abuse, although I didn't realize it at the time. At the time I thought being with a grown man made me mature and special. Now that I'm older I realize that my childhood left me damaged and susceptible to predators and that my older bf was very much a predator and very sick for wanting to be with a teenager (18). When I was the age (34) my bf was when we were in a relationship, I had nothing in common with 18 year olds (my age at the time) and realized how sick the whole situation was.

There are mental health resources available online. Please don't let the current global situation get in the way of your progress.

indoorleaf1234 8h56m

Your dad is a pedophile! Who tf does those things and fantasies about having sex with an 11 yo CHILD!!!?

floppybeef 8h56m

The thing about cutting contact is that... you just do it. You don't need to announce it to him. You don't need to get him to sign some official papers. You just cut him out of your life.

Missed_aSpot 8h56m

Whew, I just gotta say, that as you heal things in your internal/emotional life from things with your dad, you WILL encounter issues in your relationship with your much-older boyfriend. There will be connections to your trauma in ways you don’t yet realize. Been there. Good luck, you have a journey of healing. count your blessings that you’ve gotten into a healing train so early in your life. It’s good to recognize fucked to shit for what it is, to look it in the eyes and choose to grow from it.

jupiter_sunstone 8h57m

Girl you picked up bad ideas of relationships from your father and are now dating a much older man who is almost twice your age. Your brain isn’t fully developed yet. Not saying that to be mean- I used to date older men when I was a late teen and in my twenties. Only now do I realize the disconnect and unhealthy aspects of that dynamic.

Anyways, therapy is great, keep doing it- and you do not owe your father any ounce of connection.

triciamilitia 8h58m

This whole thing is awful and super triggering. I didn’t get far but please cut out your parents!!! The flashbacks won’t go away entirely even with work. Take care of yourself first. And don’t get me started on the age gap. Hi direct correlation?

HerriPouda58 9h0m

Jfc i cant get over how old your bf is and how close to your dads age he is. Coincidence?

alexandro_95 9h3m

Well is true that women with daddy issues crave for older men

Gurpgorrk 9h12m

Yes. My stepdad who I thought was my dad. He was everything you described. I just left everything behind and let go of it's sentimentality in my heart. Cutting him out of my life caused problems with my siblings who are biologically his. Unfortunately, I no longer have a relationship with my youngest brother who absolutely worships his dad. I also have a lingering resentment towards my mum. Keep up with therapy. Cutting this monster out of your life will be surprisingly easy.

SqueeTheIII 9h13m

what are you doing with a middle aged man? 30s fine but like go out and enjoy your twenties

GeniusAtNothing 9h13m

This post needs a table of contents

dhickpharts 8h31m

Wtf did i just read? And what idiots are defending her?

Rawldy 8h37m

Don't use your sugar daddy to fix your life

SuperNuckingFuts 8h58m

No offense but that relationship age gap is definitely daddy issues

thatsroughbuddddy 8h58m

I know OP is not looking for advice on the boyfriend but I hope to God she breaks it off with him and also distances herself from her dad. That age gap is NOT HEALTHY when the female is so young. I’m 25 now and the things I’ve learned in the short 4 years about the world after college make this seem SO PREDATORY yikes

noeticsound 8h23m

There is no way this can be true?! Are people in the world seriously this damaged and ignorant

yeah-imAnoob 8h45m

Even reading your edits. I still can’t think anything good about a 20yr+ age gap. I’m just so sorry for you. You have no idea what’s healthy, manipulative. And I’m seriously scared for you.

I really wanted this to end with you cutting contact with everyone in this story. And dating a boy the same age as you, and living happily with him. Everything in this story just sounds so over complicated and messy, and wrong.