You are here

SD's $288,000 College Tuition

RedRedVines's picture

SD15 got her PSAT scores back. 99th percentile. DH is all smiles and of course it has been the main topic of conversation everywhere we go. But at the celebratory dinner on Monday DH and SD were discussing college visits and she said with this big smile on her face, "Hope you've been saving up, you know I'm not going to some state school." I thought this was a joke - DH and I put ourselves through school with scholarships and loans. Whatever money she gets from DH's parents and BM will have to be enough or she can do like DH and I did. Especially since we are in no financial position to contribute. When I was pregnant DH and I even agreed that given our financial situation we would give our DS a small money gift on his 18th birthday but he was on his own for college after that.

I asked DH about it and he told me that there was nothing he could do, it was in the divorce settlement, we are just going to have to take loans. All of that paperwork is in the filing cabinet so I looked to see what it said. It is very detailed, at BM's insistence I'm sure, specifying not only that they would evenly split the tuition and fees of wherever the skids chose to go (public OR private) but also room and board, necessary expenses (books, clothing, activities, computers, travel) and a monthly allowance for miscellaneous expenses. They will even pay for fraternities/sororities and semesters abroad. No cap, no mention of scholarships, grants or aid.

Last night DH showed me the list of colleges SD, BM and DH were planning on visiting next year (not together). There are 10 in consideration so far, no public schools or even schools in our state, and DH/BM's illustrious alma mater ("Where you and mom fell in loooove", as SD likes to say) was on the list. According to the school website, 4 years at that college plus room and board, books, expenses and flights will cost a total of $288,270. Lord knows how much the monthly allowance and sorority fees will be. I checked 4 of the other colleges, all are within $30k of that number. What. The. F*!&#.

At 2am after my internet searching I woke up DH because I wanted to show him the staggering amounts he had stupidly agreed to - are we really responsible for coming up with $144k for SD. DH told me just relax, his parents college fund for SD and SS has $70K each, maybe more so it's already half taken care of, plus he has been putting his bonus into college funds for the skids so we only needed to take out $50K in loans. His bonus is family money as much as my bonus is, so that made me mad, like he was hiding money (we have shared finances).

I asked him how much money was in our sons college account from DHs parents and but I already know the answer - zero. And then he said I thought you wanted DS to pay his own way through college like we did, and it's so far away we don't even know if DS is going to want to go to college. Then he said that this situation has nothing to do with DS so why would I even mention it. Of course it does! Household money, our family's money, is involved.

This seems ridiculous. When I was getting a divorce I brought up college for my bios and my lawyer said it wasn't worth it to pursue, it was hard to enforce, and at that time I was the main breadwinner. Can a court enforce this? Can BM sue us if we refuse to pay for all of our half? I am not willing to go into major debt so that princess perfect who barely acknowledges me or my kids existence can have a worry-free college experience.


Disneyfan's picture

Time to revamp the finances. Your husband agreed to all of that, so he should be the one responsible for all of it. Stop thinking of it as a family expense.

luv2luv's picture

I just want to say that DH used his bonus money to invest in skids' education, take out an equivalent amount for your DS. You can't control his grandparents' money but there is no reason his father should be treating him differently than his sister.

moeilijk's picture

Are you recommending that the best thing for the OP is to divorce her husband and insist on the same financial arrangements for their children together? That way the younger child(ren) have the same status as older children in terms of legally obligated financial support?

Or maybe you're just implying that the OP doesn't value education?

RedRedVines's picture

I was very angry and do not want a divorce but I asked him, so if we got divorced then you would pay for DS? And he said knowing the amounts it was a crazy thing to agree to, why would I do the same crazy thing twice?

He was trying to hug me and make a joke out of it but I was not having it.

moeilijk's picture

I'd seriously considering going through with a divorce at this point. You can still live with him, just draw up custody and financial arrangements for DS and sever your own finances with him. Sounds like you'll be taking those steps (minus formal 50/50 custody) anyway after this.

WalkOnBy's picture

That is so not funny! I'm curious that his kid gets this luxury but your child together will not.

I highly recommend convincing him to seek a modification.

luv2luv's picture

Holy crap that's bsc.

I am not of a mind that kids can't receive any help from parents regarding college but this is absurd. I can't believe your DH agreed to this, and signed it. It is so much money. My sympathies is all I can offer. I remember reading about that girl who sued both her parents to pay for a private college and won. This is incredibly unfair to you and DS.

FieryEscape's picture

Exactly - I'd spend the money to get a lawyer and take it back to court to see if it is enforceable and if so, if it can be adjusted.

RedRedVines's picture

When DH got divorced he was making over $150k a year, BM even more than that, so I understand that it was a reasonable thing to agree to at the time. But a little while after we married his company did a reorg and he lost his job. He found a job he likes better but he has made much less ever since while BM continues to climb higher. She could easily foot the bill herself with what she makes now. He needs to modify this agreement.

RedRedVines's picture

There was never CS due to 50/50 and BM has always paid for health insurance. So there was nothing to modify during his unemployment.

WalkOnBy's picture

time for a review......even with 50/50 if there is THAT much disparity in their incomes, she should paying CS to your DH.

Total bullshit, but as long as it's in the JOD, it IS enforceable.

Also, no one gives a shit about the PSAT. She needs to do well on the SAT and/or ACT.

Tell her that Thing1 scored a 35 on his ACT and Thing2 scored a 34. They both go to "state schools" - one to The University of Michigan and one to Michigan State. Michigan is consistently one of the BEST schools in the country, public or private and MSU is not far behind.

Your SD is a snobby bitch - but I am guessing you already knew that.

Gimlet's picture

If I were ever able to go back to school for graduate work, I would give my left thumb to get into U of M. They have some amazing programs, even if it's treason to say that where I live Smile

WalkOnBy's picture

Gimlet -

My degree is from U of M, and it's where I met my XH. So, you have to know that it KILLS me to have Thing2 at MSU - lol!!

WalkOnBy's picture

Yeah-and to make matters worse, my husband is an MSU grad.

There is one weekend during football season and usually one but sometimes two weekends during basketball season when we do not speak to each other Smile

WalkOnBy's picture

it is but one predictor of how kids will do on future standardized tests. Just because OP's SD does well now means very little if she isn't taking AP classes, the right math and science classes and if her school's curriculum isn't as challenging as those of the kids with whom she will be competing.

WalkOnBy's picture

Also, OP - tell your SD that Thing1, with his 4.0 unweighted GPA, his near perfect ACT score, his three sport athlete/captain experience, his award winning Scholar Athlete essay, and blah blah blah blah?

Did NOT get into the following schools -


Just because she thinks she is a genius, doesn't mean she will get in to her dream school. It's really, really hard to get in to those schools.

She will likely end up at a state school Smile

WalkOnBy's picture

being a legacy only (sometimes) helps with getting into a sorority. Not a University.

WalkOnBy's picture

honey, I LIVED on collegeconfidential.

It doesn't matter at a private school as much as people think. At least according to my college room mate, the private college Dean of Students. But, what would she know?

ETA - did you miss the part where I said I have sent three kids to college? Two to Michigan and one to MSU???

notasm3's picture

Oh please - college confidential while it has some good stuff is also full of shit.

I have been on the admission committees for two highly selective schools. And one of my best friends was the admissions director for the MOST selective college in the US.

Sure it helps to have pull. As I mentioned earlier Chelsea Clinton got into Stanford because her dad was president. But just having a parent who attended a school does not give one automatic admission - except maybe at Harvard in the olden days. Not sure about now.

A couple of years ago I hosted a group of Harvard seniors in my home (several of whom spent the weekend with me) - so I got to know about 8-10 of them very well. One was born in a mud hut in China (literally), none of them were legacies. I would expect that yes there are 3-4 legacies that get in because of that - but no highly selective school can admit every legacy - there are just too many of them out there.

RedRedVines's picture

Unfortunately I have no doubt she will get in. Double legacy, I'm sure BM donates and she does have all of the usual ap/community service/sports stuff needed. Yes, I am well aware.

LikeMinded's picture


Gimlet's picture


What an entitled thing to say.

It's so unfair that divorced parents are ORDERED to pay for school. There are very, very few degrees that will pay any sort of decent ROI for that cost.

If it helps, the sticker price for college is not usually what it ends up being, especially if the student is high achieving.

Indigo's picture

Why doesn't SD attend a state college for the first two years and THEN transfer to the ivy league or 'dream college?'

Gimlet's picture


z3girl's picture

Depends on the state you're in. Your DH may be held to it since it is in detail to begin with. My DH brushed it all off when I asked him about it when SD was in high school as well.

In NJ, DH was forced to pay college tuition. His original decree said they would simply split college costs. (It did not specify equally). DH was prepared to pay half, but he was not in agreement to pay full child support for their one child in addition to her room and board while away at school. BM took DH to court, and the court said not only was he not allowed an opinion on what school SD chose (over $50k per year), but he also had to pay 65% since he made more than BM. On the other hand, he was not expected to pay child support while SD was away at school, so it was pro-rated for the months she was at home. In SD's school, study abroad was required, and SD of course chose the most expensive program and DH had to buck up for that as well. However, the judge did say that SD was required to apply for all scholarships, grants, and loans she could. She was in a sorority, but DH only paid what was on an actual tuition term bill. BM did do us a favor by omitting all of DH's information on the FAFSA and told the school they have no contact with SD's father, so she qualified for quite a bit of assistance. DH only had to pay around $16000 per year for his share. It was a lot, but we somehow managed.

My SD is now in grad school, and BM is footing the entire bill. SD talked to me about wanting help from DH because BM is controlling her thanks to the financial assistance, but she shut up once I told her that DH's and my children together would not be getting their undergrad paid for like she did simply because we will not have the money. I *think* it sunk in that we will not be helping her further. I personally think my children will have a better start in life because we will not be simply handing them a free-ride for college. Like you, my DH and I worked our way through. SD24 is incapable of supporting herself. That's a huge parenting fail in my opinion.

It's probably worth asking an attorney if it's worth taking BM to court to revise that. Only if your DH will agree, but it's really not right to go into debt yourselves just for an undergraduate degree (my SD could only get waitressing jobs with her degree...a total waste of money!) Your child together deserves to have as much of a foundation as she does as much as that's possible.

WalkOnBy's picture

Not for nothing, and I am kinda glad it worked out for you, but I completely disagree with the way the system was cheated.

I have to report ALL my household income, including DH's who is NOT my kids' father. We get NOTHING in the way of assistance and it bugs me that people will just lie and omit so they can take advantage.

Just my two cents.....

ETA - and I have twins, so I am paying TWO college bills at the same time.

z3girl's picture

I read up on it at the time, and some schools would not have accepted this. IT DEPENDS ON THE SCHOOL. According to BM, that was one of the criteria for choosing this school. DH's wages were garnished for CS, so it's clear he was not out of the picture.

We were not included in any of the process except for writing out a check. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you, but it is what it is. I have 3 children under the age of 5, so my time will come, and I really don't care what about anyone else's sob story.

WalkOnBy's picture

exactly - it's not about the school, it's about the FAFSA. And, while the BM lied and told the school that Dad wasn't around, z's DH knew he was around, so there's that....

WalkOnBy's picture

sob story? Snorty.

And, I read up on it, too. All three times I sent my kids to college. The FAFSA is VERY clear about reporting income and what income you have to report. Your BM lied. What a surprise. That irritates me.

The end.

RedRedVines's picture


silversong's picture

Aside from the ridiculous divorce decree - I can't believe he was putting his bonus money into skid college funds behind your back. WOW.

still learning's picture

Thank god that there is a clause in my ex and I's decree that the kids have to apply for scholarships, grants, etc and then we are required to help them AFTER that. This isn't even something that either one of us addressed it's just a mandatory state clause. I don't get how it's legal to require divorced parents to pay for any college the kid chooses no matter how expensive. How come COD's get college guaranteed to them basically debt free while the rest of us have to work and take out loans?!

WalkOnBy's picture

And this is the reason that my attorney - as well as DH's Awesome Attorney - told me that there was NO WAY he was going to let me agree to pay for college.

It was a long time ago, but I think his words were something like "married people can't be forced to pay for college, why should a divorced parent have to?"

Rock on, dude. Rock on.

Cover1W's picture

Yeah, I know!
I was shocked to read in DP's CS order that:

Support shall be paid until the children reach the age of 18 or as long as the children remain enrolled in high school, whichever occurs last, and the ensuing three months, if the child is enrolled to attend an institution of higher learning following high school graduation, and as otherwise provided...

The parents shall pay for the post secondary educational support of the children. Post secondary support provisions will be decided by agreement or by the court.

1) Really? My parents did not "pay for post secondary educational support" for me, they paid for my tuition, some books, and my dorm. I was responsible for everything else, and once I was out of the dorm, they only covered tuition and books. And there was NO gurantee and I received no "income" or "cash" from them. So CODs get it just because their parents are divorced? Outrageous!

2) What is meant by "post secondary educational support?" DP thinks it means tuition only. I think it can mean support for the ENTIRE COLLEGE EXPERIENCE...because it's not limited. I know DP is already worrying about this clause regarding tuition because BM took basically all his retirement $ so he's got nothing saved for SDs and he's desperately trying to do so now. And what about grad school/doctorate? There's no freaking long can they be "in" college and be supported?!

3) I am glad that there's teh statement that the parents can agree to agree on how to support them; so far it's been pretty easy for both of them with no contention. DP has, I think (I stay out of it), broached the topic of saving $ for skids college fund at least with BM. And he talks with them about scholarships all the time.

The courts are messed up on this one.

WalkOnBy's picture

Right? My parents didn't contribute one thin dime to my college education and I didn't expect them to. I was the first in my family to go to college.....but then again, I wasn't an entitled little asshole, so there's that Smile

misSTEP's picture

Add me to the list. My parents would throw me some cash here and there and helped out with my DS since his father fled to avoid paying CS. My dad also paid off my first credit card when I got out of control with it. Kind of a get-out-of-jail-free card. One time only deal.

Otherwise, I took out loans and got scholarships. Still paying on those loans too (well, my second degree added to them).

WalkOnBy's picture

yup - my dad didn't pay child support, my mom still had two kids at home, so money at home was tight at best.

I worked and went to school full time. I was a bartender. The cashier used to laugh when I paid my tuition with singles and fives. She even asked me if I was a stripper once - lol!!!

robin333's picture

Holy fvcking shit. I am NOT exceptional. There are others that can work and go to school without parental support. I may break down and show DH this site, specifically this post.

robin333's picture

Nothing like a group of strong, independent women! Recently, my DH told me that "it can't be done ", meaning going to school and working full - time and that I was the exception. I think not. Only if you are an entitled COD maybe.

Screw your male counterparts, you are an awesome -and really exceptional- elevation of your profession.

WTF...REALLY's picture

I paid for my student loans. Worked, had two young kids and went to school. You bet your a$$ it can be done! Smile

Gimlet's picture

I am still paying my loans. Worked full time, single parent (DD's dad was out of the picture for a while for a number of reasons, no CS) and went to school. It took 4 years and included summer quarter but it was worth it. DD was great about taking care of the house on the nights I was in school too. Most of the time she had dinner waiting for me.

So, we're not unicorns after all. It just means giving up a lot of things you wish you had free time to do. Good job ladies!!

Cover1W's picture

I had a part time job at least (full time in summers) since I was 16!!! And through college. AND grad school!!

WTF...REALLY's picture

Your husband is the problem in this. It doesn't matter if you want to change the court order, he obviously doesn't want to. So again the problem is not your SD, or the BM, but your own husband. And yes, the way you guys are doing your finances, he was hiding money from you.

WTF...REALLY's picture

College payments were not put in my divorce decree or in my husband's divorce decree. College is not a right, it's a privilege. Food and shelter is a right of a COD.

notasm3's picture

Even starting off with a high PSAT WILL NOT guarantee her admission to a highly selective school. Stanford for example could fill the freshman class 3 times over with the students who have PERFECT SAT scores and 4.0+ grades from top high schools. And probably not 1 in a thousand 99% PSAT scorers will score a perfect SAT.

What you need to start filling her head with is that she needs to strive to achieve a MERIT scholarship from one of the next tier of private schools. "The top awards are schools like GA Tech, Duke, U Chicago, UNC Chapel Hill, Wake Forest, Boston College, Boston U, Johns Hopkins, Emory, Vanderbilt, GW, Tulane, Case Western, Rensselaer, Rochester." (I copied that.)

Believe me it is an incredible honor to obtain one of these. If she wants to strive for the best - well then she should strive to REALLY achieve something.

But I would still see an attorney about what legal recourse you have. College costs even 10 years ago were nothing like they are now. I don't know if the courts can force a parent to borrow money.

WalkOnBy's picture

Don't tell HRNYC this, nota. I mentioned this up the page and she had a very different opinion Smile

My Thing1 WAS one of those kids who didn't get in and he had a 4.0 unweighted GPA and a 35 on his ACT.

WalkOnBy's picture

Yes - he was a legacy at Northwestern. A PRIVATE university.

But hey, what do I know? I only went through it.


notasm3's picture

At many of the Ivies - but NOT at Stanford. I knew two Stanford parents (mom and dad) who gave tons of money and were on a board (I served with them). Their son graduated from one of the top prep schools with fabulous grades and an off the chart SAT - and he did NOT get in. And no he wasn't a jerk, he didn't have a record, etc. There just wasn't room for him.

Now Chelsea Clinton did get in based on her parent's positions. I have two friends with children in her class at Stanford and knew some of her professors. She struggled terribly. And had to give up her hopes of pre-med because she just couldn't handle the science courses. So it doesn't always pay to send a child to a "top" school if they are not going to be able to reach their potential at that school.

WalkOnBy's picture

"Why should she look for a merit scholarship when her parents are obligated to pay? Why shouldn't she shoot for the top."

:jawdrop: :jawdrop: :jawdrop: :jawdrop:

WalkOnBy's picture

because maybe her parents can't afford it???

I want a Tesla. Can't afford it. Duh...

WTF...REALLY's picture

So married couples should go into a legal contract stating that they will pay for their child's college education, no matter what their financial standing is at the time?

misSTEP's picture

1. Get to a good lawyer and see if this is enforceable given his decreased income.
2. If it is, get a divorce and make your H commit to paying 1/2 of your shared bio's college. The added benefit of this is that your credit rating will NOT take a big hit if your H decides to default on the loan for whatever reason.
3. If you still stay in a relationship with him, make sure your finances are separate. The not telling you about his bonuses really irks me.
4. Even Dave Ramsey says it is more important to fund your retirement than your child(ren)'s college education.

WalkOnBy's picture

every single thing that misSTEP says is exactly what I would do.

ASS says that since he didn't "ask to be born" that DH and I owe him a college education. We set him straight on that right away. My DH is a big Dave Ramsey fan.

WalkOnBy's picture

Also not true-haven't you ever heard of the kids from disadvantaged backgrounds who get full rides to Harvard and other Ivy League schools?

I have a friend who's daughter is on a merit scholarship to Dartmouth.

She would be very surprised to hear that Ivy League schools do not reward merit scholarships.

moeilijk's picture

WOB, I'm starting to think HRNYC just makes stuff up and acts like it's real. My husband does that about sports statistics, but since I don't care anyways so what. But I don't think he habitually goes on a sports forum to talk about his fanciful 'facts.'

It's getting weird in here.

WalkOnBy's picture


WalkOnBy's picture

No. You have no credibility-the link mentions endowed scholarships. Says nothing about them being need based.

My friend and her husband run one of the more successful import businesses in NY. Need isn't a part of their lives.

WalkOnBy's picture


RedRedVines's picture

They definitely award merit scholarships, SD just needs to get off her lazy butt and apply.

RedRedVines's picture

Well, I just looked. HRNYC is right - they do NOT offer merit based scholarships. But there are still plenty of outside organizations she could apply to.

RedRedVines's picture

His financial situation then and now are very different. I think he is excited because any parent would be excited that their child is doing well but doesnt want to think about how this is getting paid for.

WTF...REALLY's picture

Parents should never ever ever ever ever ever ever be forced to pay for college for their children. Ever. Did you hear me? Ever!!!!!

So completely sick and tired of the double standard of divorced parents versus married parents when it comes to college.

All courts should stay the hell away from college in divorce decrees. They should not be allowed to even be put in a decree.

This pisses me off like nobody's business.


OK, I feel better, I got that out of my system.

Nope I got one more.........courts stay the hell away from college tuition in divorce decrees!!!!!!!!!!

WTF...REALLY's picture

They should have zero say in college. It's completely asinine that anybody would ever put college in the divorce decree. Married couples are not forced to pay for college, divorced parents shouldn't be. It needs to be removed as a bargaining tool in a divorce.

WTF...REALLY's picture

Furthermore, if you got divorced a few years back and your ex made a lot of money but no longer does and now it would be an incredible hardship for them to help pay for college, then you let it go. You have the decency to let it go. You tell your child to go after scholarships, grants, college courses in high school...etc etc.

My daughter went to an amazing private university and got her degree done in three years. She got grants and scholarships. Got the $55,000 a year tuition down to $12,000 a year. And then she work in the summer to make up the extra money. And her dad and I contributed what we could. She's 22 with an amazing career in the science field and is debt-free from college tuition. It can be done.

And no one was forced to do anything but the right thing.

WalkOnBy's picture

But why should the poor special snowflake children of divorce get a benefit that a child whose parents are married isn't "ordered" to pay?

Makes no sense.

WalkOnBy's picture

Let's see them, please.

When my DD was off to college, I was single and she got a crap ton of grants and scholarships.

Once I got remarried? Nothing.

So, let's see your proof - where can one find those studies??

Disneyfan's picture

But he wasn't forced into this. He agreed to all of it. Based on what was posted, it doesn't sound like he's upset about it at all. If anything, it sounds like he's excited and looking forward to it.

Disneyfan's picture

I said on the other blog that this guy was a game player. He tried to pull a sick surprise on BM. Now he surprised the OP with the details of the divorce and what he has done with his bonuses.

This is one shady dude

WTF...REALLY's picture

This is that guy???? Shows up at Christmas to surprise BM and find his family there without him knowing? This is that same guy?

WTF...REALLY's picture

Oh Crum. It is the same guy. Wow. So not only does he do that to be, but he hides money from his current wife.

You picked the wrong guy to marry OP. Your screwed.

moeilijk's picture

I'm wondering about this poster for other reasons now. She's got a few blogs up, all of which have generated a LOT of comments and controversy, and all of which are just a bit too much.

Not to say this couldn't be someone's life. But to say, someone living this life is dealing with problems far bigger than most.

WTF...REALLY's picture

Her and her husband really could have horrible problem-solving skills and no clue about social etiquette. You have seen the videos of the people of Walmart, right? They do exist. Blum 3

Shaman29's picture

Her H and my H should get together. They can talk about how much they love buying things they can't afford for their daughters and complain about what meanie, poo-poo heads we are for denying them the pleasure of going into huge debt for their kids.

WTF...REALLY's picture

I agree. Like I said for the further up the page, her problem is her husband. Not the SD and not the BM, but her husband who obviously is going to go forward with this and even hide money from her to do so.

moeilijk's picture

What are the consequences of not paying? Would the courts require the DH to take out loans? Or cash in his retirement? What if he can't find a lender?

If he just doesn't have the money, what do they do? Throw him in jail? Wouldn't the courts take into consideration that $100K tuition *could* have been as low as $12K as in WTF's example above? Wouldn't the court be required to base 'mandatory' payments on lowest available cost and assume that the person owed did everything to mitigate that cost, like for an insurance claim?

notarelative's picture

This is why I have and recommend a prenuptial. Know before you tie the knot. My DH's ex wife had died before we married and there was no provision for college funds in the divorce. One SD was and is not college material. The other SD worked full time and used her employer benefits to attend and finish college. My bio sons were finished college when I remarried. Both worked during college and went to schools that were affordable on what had been saved for them.

My friend married a wonderful guy who was divorced. Her prenuptial lawyer reviewed the divorce decrees there would be no surprises.

I know you'd like your DH to see a lawyer about this mess. Whether or not he does, you should see a lawyer about how to protect your assets (both joint and separate). Not the lawyer your husband uses, but one who is looking out for you.

notasm3's picture

To clarify what I was saying earlier. It's true that many of the Ivies do not give merit scholarships.

But basing one's college choice on how selective it is = stupid. Stanford is the most selective undergraduate program by far - but for example that is NOT where one should go for a degree in architecture. The University of Arkansas (a not so highly rated state school) has a far superior architecture degree.

I would hire a student who earned a merit scholarship from Georgia Tech or Emory before I'd hire someone from one of the "lesser" Ivies. Stanford, Harvard, Yale and Princeton do not need to offer merit scholarships. But many other fine universities do offer them.

Trying just for the "most selective" is not a good strategy.

RedRedVines's picture

DH and I have been texting about this. Here are some of his best attempts:

"Household $ has supported your 2 kids when I had 2 kids only half time for the last 7 years. why was that ok but household $ paying to put my 2 thru half of college is not ok."

Huge dollar amount difference, next?

"Think of it like child support, which we never had to pay. It doesn't factor into family money."

And we paid for food, shelter and activities on our time. Next?

"Don't be mad about DS. We cant afford it but he gets to grow up with both parents. That's worth a lot and something to think about!"

That actually is something to think about. But now I'm thinking about that 50K loan. Next!

twoviewpoints's picture


While you two are having at each other in your little text war, over what amounts to just over $1,000 a month, have either of you thought about what grandma and grandpa gave up to collect the $140,000 plus ? Did I really read you grumble over them choosing not to not give anymore to yet a third child?

WalkOnBy's picture

Gee - your son is so lucky that he gets to grow up with both of his parents?

As if that is some kind of gift to you and your son?

By the way, your husband's kids get to grow up with both of their parents, too. It's just that they don't live together.

NEXT !!!

twoviewpoints's picture

She has a baby who needs a room (4-5yrs old by then) and she has a bio-daughter who will still be in HS. He has a bio-son who will still be in HS. Two bedroom apartment would make all new problems.

WalkOnBy's picture

so when these kids come home from college, where are they supposed to sleep?

This guy could very easily get this amended, for the simple fact that his financial situation has changed.

Happens all the time.

Your pro-BM bias is absolutely astounding at times.

RedRedVines's picture

There are 5 kids - my 9th grader (DS) and 8th grader (DD), his 10th grader (SD) and 6th grader (SS), and our baby. DS lives with his dad now, so we have 4 in the house. There is no way we are all cramming into an apartment.

RedRedVines's picture

Almost 7 years of marriage is definitely not 'short term'. But you are right, both of us had job struggles that depleted the bulk of our savings. We have the house, the cars, and our retirement accounts and 2 pretty good jobs though it is not what we were making. But no room for an extra $50k.

twoviewpoints's picture

I think HRNYC is about to suggest you buy a tent and take up residence in a state park Wink

moeilijk's picture

Does your DS live with his dad because of SD's bullying? I can't recall the outcome of that blog of yours.

WalkOnBy's picture

Why should they move to a two bedroom apartment? Why should they go into debt to send kids to college?

And, how is a two bedroom apartment going to work when all these kids come home from college for breaks and summers??

I would NEVER sacrifice my future and retirement to fully fund a kid's college education.

That is asinine...

Maxwell09's picture

Don't get so worked up about all of this now because BM still has to agree to pay her half of the tuition and extras too. It goes both ways and since your DH's parents have been saving he's got a leg up on her honestly. So firstly she has to agree to it and most importantly they have to accept her. The college has to accept her, housing has to accept her, sororities have to accept her. And who knows she might meet Romeo from Community College down the road and fall in love before graduating out of high school. I mean you said she's 15 a lot can happen between now and then but mostly he's not getting out of it with a court order like. And it wouldn't hurt if you started your own fund for your kid. Not to be ugly but you can't say you don't want your son to have financial help with college but get mad that nobody is saving for him. You made that deal with your DH; he didn't make that deal with BM.

WTF...REALLY's picture

Why does your mind go straight to the souless place so quickly ????? No requirement to disclose finances. This entire train of thought of yours is something that would never cross my mind. I'm just shaking my head. You're very intelligent lady, but I don't understand your soul.

notasm3's picture

The most selective colleges for the most part do not have sororities. So saying that sorority costs have to be covered at Harvard is really an oxymoron.

Even Stanford did not allow sororities until just a few years ago. And there are very few with most students not participating.

notasm3's picture

Columbia also has sororities - today. My sorority was founded there and now has a chapter again after decades of not having one.

But clubs are not sororities.

notasm3's picture

It's not an issue of private vs public. UC Berkley, U of Michigan, U of Texas, U of Colorado, U of Virginia are far more selective than many, many of the private schools.

RedRedVines's picture

Separating finances has been on my mind since I saw the settlement. There are a lot of details to work out but this may be the only way. Unless BM agrees to pay more. Or SD runs off with a boy.

notarelative's picture

Separate finances are fine. But, realize that money DH is giving to SD for her choice of any college she wants (that she can get into) is money that he is not saving for his retirement. Is he planning for you to support his retirement? Are you prepared to support his retirement?

If DH takes out a loan and he unexpectedly dies, will the remaining amount come out of the estate? Will his insurance, that should be available for all of his children, be used to satisfy the loan balance? If he is the co-owner of your home, and he becomes disabled and defaults on the loan, can your house be attached?
There's a lot to think about, and clarify, even with separate finances.

WalkOnBy's picture

I second this.