Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Happy Festivus for the rest of us Eve, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How . . . cold . . . was it?
It was so cold in Washington DC, President Bush asked a reporter to throw a pair of Ugg boots at him.

It is so cold in Chicago people were shaking like that thing on Rod Blagojevich’s head getting deloused for jail.

It was so cold in Los Angeles guys were dating Paris Hilton just so they could feel that burning sensation when they peed.

It is so cold in New York, reporters are getting up close to Bill Clinton’s head just to feel the warmth from his red-faced rants.

It was so cold in New York, the hookers were offering a Bernie Madoff special, for $500 bucks they’ll do something so evil you’ll also burn in hell.

A Continental flight skidded way off the runway in Denver and caught fire but nobody was seriously hurt; upon hearing this, Jet Blue said; “See, that’s why we never leave the runway.”

Nice little holiday tip
Madonna earned $280 million on her “Sticky and Sweet” tour; or as her still-divorcing ex-husband, Guy Ritchie calls the tour proceeds: My Christmas bonus.

Joe and Dick
Joe Biden and Dick Cheney have been trading insults in the press, but I think they are making up; today Cheney asked Biden to go quail hunting.

Joe Biden and Dick Cheney have been trading insults in the press, you can see why Cheney and Biden don’t get along, they’re fundamentally different, Biden shoots his mouth off and Cheney shoots guys in the mouth.

Joe Biden and Dick Cheney have been trading insults in the press, you can see why Cheney and Biden don’t get along, they’re fundamentally different, Biden has hair plugs and Cheney plugs guys in the hair.

Who knew?
Didn’t you love all the Arab cultural experts who actually explained to us that throwing a shoe at someone is considered an insult? But throwing your pants at someone is considered a come on.

Invading Paris . . . again
Luckily she wasn’t home, but a burglar broke into Paris Hilton’s bedroom and stole over two million dollars in jewelry; yeah, I don’t feel bad for Paris either.

A burglar broke into Paris Hilton’s bedroom and stole over two million dollars in jewelry; Two million in jewelry. Oh, and one hidden video camera.

Too bad
New York Jet end Shaun Ellis was fined $10,000 for throwing a snowball at a fan after the Jets loss to Seattle. Jets QB Brett Favre tried to throw a snowball, but it was intercepted and returned for a touchdown.

Dah Bearsssssssssssssssss
The Chicago Bears rallied from behind to beat the Green Bay Packers in overtime. It was so cold during the game, to get warm, five Bear fans crawled underneath that thing on Ill. Gov. Rod Blagojevich’s head.

You bet it is
A burglar broke into Paris Hilton’s bedroom and stole two million dollars in jewelry and the police have no leads; can you believe that? Paris was sent to jail but this guy walks. Is this a great country or what?

How bad is it?
This economy is bad. Rod Blagojevich tried to sell Santa’s seat to the highest bidder.

To sell more cars Ford is going to produce a car called the Madoff which runs like hell.

It’s time for a rousing session of:

Readers Ask Lex

Dear Lex,

Tell us something about yourself that we might not have ever guessed.

Natalie Maines.

Dear Natalie;

You mean something like I actually did take English courses past the third grade?

Let me see. I bet you didn’t know I was a founding member of the Jonah Brothers? Now don’t confuse us with the Jonas Brothers. We weren’t nearly as good, we just caused a lot of bad luck on ships.

Like, whatever Lex,

Like, what is, like, your spaz-out problem-ski with that totally awesome chick who plays Bella in “Twilight”. OMG, she is like a crazillion times more talented than, like, you are, duh.

Kristen Stew . . . I mean, um, Stewart Krist, yeah, that’s it.

Dear Stewart;

No kidding, I saw a print interview with Kristen and she did not seem nearly as much of a bitchy little pseudo-intellectual tool, rather self-deprecating and funny.

So I disregarded it. Bratty bitch be trippin’.

To whatever Lex it may concern:

Regardless, or irregardless as Bush might say, of your Fantasy Team’s dismal performance this year, I was wondering what are your NFL predictions for the playoffs?

Michael Vick.

Dear Michael;

Killing time until “Marley and Me” opens? Do me a favor and don’t bet on Marley to win a dog fight in the movie. It ain’t goin’ down like that, yo.

Momentum going into the playoffs is everything. This bodes well for the Dolphins, the Titans and especially Carolina and even New England. In fact, Carolina is playing so well I am starting to actually be able to distinguish them from the Jacksonville Jaguars. Almost.

Bucs? Toast. D looks old. Pittsburgh looks beaten up. Dallas is Terrell’d. (It’s a verb, look it up) Indianapolis is back to form. Something tells me Atlanta is not for real although they have made an amazing comeback. Lord knows I loves me some Bears, but they aren’t a playoff team this year. But the Giants may be the team again but someone has to come up big at receiver and that’s a big if. And don’t count New England out of the playoffs but they need help.

My Super Bowl prediction? Indianapolis upsets the Titans for the AFC Championship and lose to Carolina in the Super Bowl with the Jaguars, err, I mean Panthers getting a big win.

But then I started Fred Taylor and Chester Taylor in my fantasy backfield, so what do I know?

Dear Lex;

What should we do with Rod Blagojevich? Because we can waterboard him, in case you didn't know waterboarding was an option. It is. An option, that is. So, let me know if you think we should waterboard him. 'Cause I, uh, we can. Waterboard him that is. 

Dick Cheney

Dear Dick:

Easy you waterboarding freak.

A, release his hair back into the wild, and, B, send him to prison with a tattoo on his butt that says “The line forms here.”

Let him get a taste of what he has been doing to his taxpayers for years.


How dare you say you can’t tell the difference between the Jacksonville Jaguars and the Carolina Panthers? Sure, both came into the league at the same time and both are from an obscure area in the South and both mascots are basically the same large species of cat and both have blue and black in their colors and . . . OK, now I’m confused, which one is which again?

Jack Del Rio.