Tuesday, April 29, 2003

It be mad crazy tough all up in this here pizzle, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

It’s a sign
Yesterday was Saddam Hussein’s birthday. Yep, Ol’ 666 turned 66.

That's the plan, my man
*The Palestinian parliament confirmed a prime minister, clearing the final obstacle to the launch of a U.S.-backed Mideast plan. It is amazing what a little shock and awe can do for proposed U.S. foreign plans.

Beer bong not included
The Iowa State basketball coach, Larry Eustachy, married with two kids, said he used bad judgment when photographs in the Des Moines Register showed that he partied hard – including kissing and getting kissed by young girls - with a bunch of Missouri college students. I’ll say he used bad judgment. What kind of idiot allows ironclad evidence like photographs?

Look for Eustachy in “Old School 2”

Wait until PETA hears this
*In Clearlake CA, Dosha, a dog that survived being hit by a car, shot in the head, and then thrown in a freezer for a long time, is almost ready to go home. Has anyone checked on Ted Williams lately?

Kind of brings new meaning to the term playing dead.

Shake that Hootie, err, bootie
*An earthquake near Atlanta GA rattled windows and bookshelves early today. It was pretty strong. It actually shook a woman into the Augusta National Clubhouse.

Is that all?
*“Will and Grace” co-star Shelly Morrison, who plays Rosario, was arrested in West Los Angeles for shoplifting over $400 of goods. Or as Winona Ryder calls $400 of goods, petty theft.

Like Father like . . . what were we talking about? Hic.
*Jack Osbourne, the 17-year-old son of Ozzie Osbourne, has checked into a rehab center. Gosh, where could he have picked up those habits?

Asked to comment, Ozzie wiped a tear of happiness and said; “That’s my boy, I am so proud.”

Apparently he is following in his father’s stagger.

Ozzie said; “Wuzzz apple vizza didn’t heh heh snuss far huzzah from the tree.

Rumor has it Ozzie found out that Jack went to a party and drank mineral water all night, so Ozzie tossed him into rehab.

Material Shrew
In a British interview, Madonna said that being rich and famous is over-rated . . . but being a slut is pretty fun.

No problem, Madonna, sweety, sugar-britches, if you are so sick of being rich and famous, just hand over your wealth and notoriety, and you can take my spot as broke-ass unknown comedy writer. Deal? I won't hold my breath.

Since you asked:
Straight up, word, props, peeps, yo money dog.

And while I am at it, let’s begin a segment of Words, expressions, slang or terms that should be buried because they are dead.

How about if we start with “I’m all about . .. fill-in-the-blank”? It officially died when I heard it on a truly lame – not that there is any other kind – McDonalds commercial. “I’m all about the Big ‘N Tasty burger.” Folks, when a bunch of advertising hacks are using a term to try and sound cool to the youth of today, that phrase is officially dead.

Why don’t we stop the use of ghetto street slang by anyone not from the ghetto? Sorry, but if you’re not from the ‘hood, you cannot say ‘hood, unless you are being blatantly ironic (Note my introductions) or talking about a sweatshirt or car.

And it should be legal for me – or anyone else – to walk up and slap some spoiled, doofus, white kid gang-banger wannabe, who just blasted Hip Hop out his Mom’s Range Rover and then walked into Starbucks and said;

“Yo, yo, check it, ahhh-ight, gives me a non-fat Latte-izzle, B”

That is justifiable slap-age, right there. And would people PLEASE stop using words incorrectly to try and sound smart? You might as well hold up a sign saying; “I’m a posing putz.”

Believe me, I am no – as you can probably tell – grammar or usage expert, but if even I know that fortuitous does not mean lucky, you should also. Fortuitous means random. Serendipitous means good fortune. Those whacko serial killer snipers in Maryland picked their victims fortuitously.

And stop using literally so much. At my gym, I overheard a woman yammer to her friend that she was tired by saying;

“I am literally dead.”

The wise-ass in me almost asked;

“You are dead? That’s amazing. Shouldn’t you be lying down? What did you die from, SARS?”

Aren’t we supposed to assume someone is being literal? Unless they are using a phrase that might be confused for an expression, like “He is out to lunch”, meaning he has gone to eat, not meaning he is crazy, then literally works. Otherwise, only alert us if something is metaphorical or figurative.

This trying-to-sound-smart-but-instead-sounding-like-a-moron holds especially true for irregardless and at this point in time. There is no word irregardless. The word is regardless. And what does at this point in time mean? It means now. That point in time? Then.

How about you, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers? What hackneyed phrase or word drives you crazy?

E-mail me at lexkase@san.rr.com

P.S. You know what would be a great "The Jamie Kennedy Experiment"-like skit? Secretly film a hip-looking black guy going into a classically uptight traditionally white location, like Starbucks in Beverly Hills, and have him strike up conversations using totally made-up street-sounding lingo, and see if the white folks respond.

Hip Black Guy: Yo, yo, my man, Scooter Donkey.

White guy: Uh, yeah, Scooter Donkey right back at you, my man.

It would be classic. I know I would be Scooter Donkey'ing to people right and left.