9/366: And the world comes crashing down

I'm disappointed at myself.

The task was simple enough to do, but there I went, still messing things up and not verifying things like I should.

Though I could say, "But that's not really my job here" or "I don't have enough training for this", it'll be invalid because (1) I chose to try to do the task, and (2) it's a simple effing task. Out of all the things that I could mess up, it had to be that one.

The real world is much scarier than I was told it was. Scarier in the way that each action I do and those that follow mark what happens next for me. One mistake and it could jeopardize everything.

I know I'm not making sense here, and for privacy's sake, I'd rather not clarify things.

I know I can do this, but I just don't get why there's always something I forget or miss in the process. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING? What's going on? I'm not good enough? Maybe. Maybe I'm not cut out for that. Maybe I should stick to design instead.

I don't know what to do anymore. I hate, hate, HATE disappointing people. It makes me want to disappear and start a new life as a different person. It's a fact that I don't want people seeing the incompetent side of me, but it's getting more complicated.

I'm scared. Just a few hours ago, I was feeling accomplished and great, but now? Ugh. I just want to hide and cry in a corner. I was not built to accept my being disappointing and incompetent well.

Sorry for the sudden negativity you guys, but I needed this. I'll jump right back to happier themes tomorrow, but my heart and mind is really beating me up right now. I needed to let this out before it consumed me.

I hope I can redeem myself soon.

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