' ' Cinema Romantico: He's Usain Bolt (Everything Else Is Just Noise)

Saturday, August 11, 2012

He's Usain Bolt (Everything Else Is Just Noise)

I saw Lou Reed at Lollapalooza 2009. It was classic Lou Reed, by which I mean he took the stage late, unapologetically used a teleprompter, appeared generally discontent with being where he was, and played well over his slotted time, so much that he delayed the Band of Horses set across the way which caused everyone waiting for Band of Horses to shout in the direction of Lou Reed to stop playing. Which he didn’t. Because he’s Lou Reed.

Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt strikes me as a kind of sprinting Lou Reed. I do not mean to suggest that Bolt is as surly or stand-offish as Lou Reed. Not at all. Bolt seems jovial, content – why he even acquiesced to interviews after races with the NBC reporter who likely asked him the exact same question he had already been asked 19 times. What I mean to suggest is that, well, Usain Bolt can kind of just do what he wants because he is, after all, Usain Bolt. (Is anyone in the world more aptly named than Bolt? It reminds me of that classic Cosmo Kramer line: “The library cop’s name is Bookman? That’s incredible. That’s like an ice cream man named Cone.”)

If he wants to sluff off and not train as hard as his almost-as-fast teammate Yohan Blake (which Bolt openly admitted) and then still win both his races he can because he’s Usain Bolt. If he wants to run the second fastest 100 meter time in history (second to his own, of course) after having eaten a McDonald’s Chicken Wrap he can because he’s Usain Bolt. If he wants to go out and party after winning that 100 meter dash with the Swedish handball team and then Tweet pictures of he and the Swedish handball team throwing up gang signs he can because he’s Usain Bolt. If he wants to ease up at the end of the 200 meter dash and make the “Shhhhhhh” gesture BEFORE he crosses the finish line and STILL equal Michael Johnson’s Atlanta time of 19.32 which at the time was thought to be virtually impossible he can because he’s Usain Bolt. If he wants to trash Carl Lewis in the press because of Lewis’s admittedly asinine comments and get away with it scot-free he can because he’s Usain Bolt. Don’t you get the feeling he could get invited to the Oval Office and steal Barack Obama’s name plaque off his desk and everyone would just laugh………because he’s Usain Bolt? (President Obama: “Oh, Usain, if it was anyone else……” Then they would high five.)

That’s why the next four years Usain Bolt should take it up a notch. He should announce his intention to focus his efforts on captaining the Jamaican bobsled team at the Sochi Winter Olympics in 2014. He will rarely train. The night before his first run he will stay out until 7 AM with several svelte Swiss skiers. He will make it to the Bobsled site for his first run, proceed to achieve a terrible start time with his driver and promptly fall asleep in the back of the sled on the way down the chute. They will finish last. He will then announce his retirement from athletic competition. He will transform himself into a noted Kingston dubstep dee jay. But then 2 weeks before the Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro in 2016 he will announce his intention to run the 200 meters despite not having run a 200 meter race since London. He will be granted a special exemption to enter despite not having run and/or qualified at the Jamaican Olympic Trials (because he’s Usain Bolt). The morning of his race he will eat a Sausage Egg McMuffin and wash it down with Orange Fanta. He will proceed to become the first man in history to break the 19 second barrier in the 200 meter dash, achieving an astonishing time of 18.97 despite visibly slowing down in the final 5 meters on account of a cramp on account of his failure to train (at all). He will then become the first man in history to be given a Key To The Whole Earth.

Afterwards the NBC reporter will ask him how he did what he did. “Because,” Usain Bolt will reply, “I’m Usain Bolt.”


Andrew K. said...

Haha. Hilarious of course, although it does touch on a nerve with me. Admittedly, I've hardly been following the Olympics, but one can't really avoid Bolt (especially if you're in the Caribbean) and from the few events I've been forced to watch at work or home, the general lack of humility in Bolt (and so many of the track stars) is a bit annoying.

Incidentally, the males in - for example gymnastics - don't have time to strut. Neither do the women in track.

Nick Prigge said...

He does have a certain lack of humility. I mean, he calls himself a legend. He doesn't actually rub me wrong the way so many American professional athletes do, however. It may he hard to believe but compared to many of our most notable athletes, he's less All About Me.

That pulling up short business, though, is going to catch up to him at some point.

Anonymous said...

I had no idea who he was until last night as I haven't really been following the Olympics but man is he fast! I don't find the 'lack of humility' annoying either, I think a lot of these athletes get caught up in the moment sometimes and hey, it IS the greatest sporting event in the world after all. I think his signature pose/gesture thing is cute, interesting name too Usain Bolt, and he IS like a bolt of lightning!