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Thursday, January 14, 2016

KoopaTV's Judgment of January 2016 Republican Debates at Fox Business Network

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - It's not really a debate...

Two so-called debates tonight on Fox Business Network! One at 6 PM and one at 9 PM, but this'll be published when they're both done so whatever. They're streamed here.

Simultaneously for the debate at 9 PM, Republican presidential candidate Rand Paul is streaming a town hall thing because Fox Business refused to let him into the main debate stage. So Rand was all, “I'll bring my message right to the people!”

As much as I would like to just watch only that, KoopaTV is Fair & Balanced. So I'm putting my own political preference aside to bring you the sure-to-be-boring two debates among a set of ten candidates that agree with each other on almost every issue, and not focusing on the candidate that, while I feel is the best one and actually is different, is only one guy.

'cause chances are you're more interested in one of those ten Republicans than the one Rand Paul. Also, ignore the fact that no longer covering the Democrat Party debates probably makes us no longer Fair & Balanced, if you ever thought we were to begin with. Hey, according to KoopaTV Feedback Form Part I, on average we score pretty well for that! I'll take that as a good sign. 

Also, his live stream is hosted on Facebook which is a disastrous decision that I'm not happy for. What message does it send when your underground, kinda rebellious screw-the-media event is on a website that censors the existence of kinda rebellious screw-the-media organisations?

Rand Paul middle finger flip the bird to media debate demotion
Literally “screw the media.”

Although, even though it's officially hosted by Facebook, Rand himself will be live at Twitter's headquarters and taking questions via Twitter. He wants to take his message, “directly to the people.” He's basically doing a Nintendo Direct. Which is really cool, but KoopaTV already said we'd cover the Republican debates... So let's... kinda do that.

For the first debate with Rick Santorum, Carly Fiorina, and Mike Huckabee, the only disagreement was when Rick Santorum said private (social media) technology companies would cooperate and share information with the federal government without needing to be required to, and the federal government shouldn't be making private companies do what the federal government should be doing.

Carly Fiorina said, based on her experience as a technology CEO, that technology companies would love to help the government if asked but they need to be asked by someone who understands technology. But she also said there should be a legal requirement for that. I dunno her answer didn't make sense.

Carly Fiorina also wants a three-page tax plan of an unspecified kind, while Mike Huckabee again advocated the FAIRtax (which is longer than three pages).

Rick Santorum take some of Rand Paul's time Fox Business debate closing statement overtime
Rick Santorum's closing statement included the phrase,
“And I know I'm out of time, but I'm going to take some of Rand Paul's time here for a second.”

So Rick Santorum is a jerk, and it was sort of a waste of an hour. Two hours later...

...Well, it's the main debate. Featuring Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, Ben Carson, Chris Christie, Jeb Bush, and John Kasich.

Everyone sounded totally crazy and it showed why these debates really need Rand Paul. You got all of this warmongering, Chris Christie wanting to double-down on the drug war, John Kasich continuing to be absolutely annoying and useless and babbling and going overtime on every single question, Jeb Bush being weak and awful...

Sorry, there's really no point in going in much detail because nothing really new happened, besides stupid questions inspired by the New York Times to Ted Cruz and Donald Trump.

At least everyone acknowledged the State of the Union 2016 was also a waste of time.

The debate ended at 11:30 PM so it was two and a half hours of nonsense. Around 11:00 there was a “WE WANT RAND” chant. And yeah, they're probably right. Kasich was a moron and thought they were saying “WE WANT RED” referring to red ties. Stupid.

Marco Rubio Ted Cruz Fox Business debate splitscreen flip-flopper
Isn't this a fun screenshot between Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz?

Were there meaningful differences between the candidates? Oh, they sure bickered, but over meaningless crap, such as Donald Trump defending “New York values” from Ted Cruz. Marco Rubio dumped a whole list of opposition research on Ted Cruz, and Cruz said “You leveled no less than 11 attacks on me, and you're wrong on half of that.” (That was another time Rand Paul was mentioned, since apparently three senators “conspire” together to vote against defence bills — Rand Paul, Ted Cruz, and Bernie Sanders.)
Even Lindsey Graham uselessly showed up in the audience, since it took place in South Carolina. First time he showed up in a primetime debate!

Awards (All)

  • Beauty: Carly Fiorina
  • Cool: Mike Huckabee
  • Cute: John Kasich
  • Smart: Rand Paul
  • Tough: Donald Trump

You know it's bad when Rand Paul wins the smart award because he was smart enough not to show up to this disaster.

His town hall thing lasted an hour of content, I think? Haven't watched it as of publishing, but maybe it'll be Friday's article. Not like we talk about videogames on this site, right? It'll probably be a lot more worth our time.

Speaking of times:

Poor Carson.

Maybe KoopaTV will give the Republicans the Democrat treatment and just stop covering these debates so everyone gets to stop wasting time.

Read the judgment for the first Fox Business debate here!
See the Rand Direct analysis here!


  1. People still watch fox news? i swear they are the worst bunch of liars ive ever seen on tv...

    1. Yeah! A lot of people watch Fox News! They're the most-watched cable news station in America, and the source of information that conservatives tend to trust the most according to a Pew Research Center study.
      However, it's simultaneously one of the least trusted sources in media.

    2. Most watched?! I swear 50% watch it just to laugh at the lies lol

    3. Uh... does it actually broadcast where you're at?

      ...And would you actually know if they're lying there if you don't know the issues being discussed?


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