Six Steps to a Peaceful Toddler Meal Time

Meal times with toddlers can be stressful. For parents, there is the constant pressure to ensure children are receiving adequate nutrition, which, combined with a toddler’s need to assert their autonomy can lead to anything but a peaceful toddler meal time.

Peaceful Toddler Meal Time

It is no surprise, therefore, that at some stage, our babies or toddlers sense our stress and may change their eating behaviours in response.

This happened for us when our daughter, hit around 9 months of age (although, we certainly didn’t realise it at the time). She was a pretty good eater but was never a big eater.


This all changed, however; overnight. Mealtimes became more akin to a battle field and those in charge of feeding her needed to ensure they were ‘suited up’ in appropriate apron-ware to repel the projectiles of food that soon flew through the air either by hand or straight out of her mouth!


At around the time food became an issue, our daughter had developed her first gastro bug. It was not overly serious but she had a night of vomiting followed by about two weeks of diarrhoea. Not being aware of the RIE approach to mealtimes, I had always used distractions such as toys or keys or other objects to keep her attention whilst I spooned in as much as I could.

At around the time she was sick, she went off her food almost altogether for a period of time. Concerned that she was not eating enough, I tried everything to get her to eat her meals. I coerced her into taking, “Just one more mouthful.” with pleas: “Come on darling, you like spaghetti.” and bribes: “If you eat this pea, you can have some apple puree.”





1. Taking the emotion out of the food


We needed to stop using ‘tricks’ to get her to eat. When mealtimes are on now, toys and other distractions are put away so the focus is on the food. She gets to control what goes in her mouth and is a full and active participant in the process rather than merely a recipient of food.

We trust her to know what her body needs and remain unruffled by her choice not to eat much or any of the food offered. By removing the emotion and simply presenting her with the food, our daughter has now learned that when she eats it is about filling her tummy, rather than a game or a power struggle.

 2. Setting logical, unruffled limits

By setting a logical limit of removing her food once our daughter began throwing, spitting or playing with her food, we were able to respectfully restore the peace to the dinner table. As with many toddler behaviours, there needs to be guidance and boundaries that help them learn what is and isn’t acceptable. This doesn’t need to be heavy handed or a power struggle but it does need to be consistent.

In particular, we are careful with the language we use when she starts to play with her food. If we see her playing, we state very matter of factly: “I can see you are playing with your food. When you play, you are telling me you have finished eating. Are you done?” She then has the choice to continue eating her food or have me clear her plate. If the playing starts again, we remove the plate simply saying “Thank you for letting me know you have finished. Here’s a washer to wipe your hands.”

Using this, we now rarely have an issue with playing with food. She will still occasionally test this limit but by staying calm and consistent in how we approach it, it never escalates to tantrums by her or anger by us.

3. Offering smaller portions of food

This is a great piece of advice. By giving her a small amount on the plate, it makes it seem less daunting for her to eat. If she finishes what’s there, we always have more ready to refill her plate. Often now, we will put just one small piece of the vegetables that we know she does not like eg one pea, one little cube of sweet potato. Some nights she leaves them, others she puts them in her mouth and bites down before spitting them out again and every so often will actually eat it. We love that she still has the opportunity to try these things and we know that one day her tastes will mature and she will happily eat her vegetables.

4. Including a variety on the plate

I know myself that if I eat a plate of the same thing, I fill up pretty quickly, but then can find room for some garlic bread or dessert or something with a different taste. I figure it is the same for my kids. We always try to provide a variety of tastes and textures so that when she gets sick of one thing, she can try something different.

5. Not trying to eat with young children

In her book ‘Dear Parents – Caring for Infants With Respect’Magda Gerber suggests having dedicated meal times for young children with adults eating separately later. I had always thought that eating a meal as a family was important and that the children would see us eating our food and try to emulate.



When the children are older and more independent, we will be happy to transition to a full family meal time.

6. Limit snacks between meals

This was a big one for us. Snacks were used regularly in our household as a distraction to ‘buy time’ when I just needed to get the last of the washing on the line or get the bags packed for an outing or in the car to keep the kids happy and quiet.

Since discovering a much more purposeful and respectful approach to parenting under the RIE philosophies, I now find I don’t need to use snacks in this way and as a pleasant side effect, I have noticed that the children eat much more heartily at meal times. Not having snacks at the ready throughout the day also helps to reinforce to her the importance of eating the food presented to her at meal times.

Overall, meal times are now a much more pleasant occurrence in our household. Both our daughters enjoy having us present with them when they eat and power struggles are now few and far between.



~ Magda Gerber

Elevating Child Care: A Guide to Respectful Parenting  ~ Janet Lansbury

No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame ~ Janet Lansbury

12 thoughts on “Six Steps to a Peaceful Toddler Meal Time

  1. Cheryl



  3. Paulina


    1. Peaceful Parents, Confident Kids


      1. TB

        What about lunch? My daughter, age two and a half, is a non-napper. I could not stand not eating from seven thirty AM (when my husband leaves) to six thirty PM (when she falls asleep). I already feel that I have her self-entertain enough while I do minor chores and food prep (in addition to what we do while she is asleep). Would you recommend additional alone time for the child while the parent eats, over continuing to try to eat with her while she repeatedly drops utensils and demands that I tell lengthy stories (difficult to do while I enjoy food – there is a reason we have no footage of Maya Angelou entertaining an audience while eating spaghetti)? I would like to eat separately if it were, somehow, possible.

  4. mymyblue

    I am reading your old articles when I have the time.

    1. Peaceful Parents, Confident Kids



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  7. Jennifer

    Our 18 month DD has developmental delays, sensory issues and feeding issues. Everyone kept telling us to just keep giving her food and eventually she would eat. She never did. Or they would give us advice like this – feed her and eat later so we can focus on her, take her food away if she plays with it, dont give her food or snacks (in our case, milk,) between meals so she will be more hungry, dont let her play while eating. But our therapists have told us that it is extremely important that we eat meals together so she can watch us eating and understand how to eat and the value of eating, to help engage her and make her curious to eat and mimic us… and they have also told us it is crucial that we allow her time every day to play with food, make a mess, paint with it, splatter it, drop it in the floor, etc, to sensitize her to it and let her learn to accept food and not reject it, to make mealtime free from stress and pressure and more relaxed. They also encourage using tools / toys to help her engage and experiment with her food. So while this article may be helpful for some people
    .. If there are any underlying issues causing feeding problems, this advice may not really work.

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