My People

My People
My matched set of grandchildren - Oliver and Cosette

Sunday, December 5, 2010

narcissism, phlegm and other distasteful topics

I came home from work Friday evening feeling horrible... and Austin... bless his heart... had (probably for the first time in his life) REALLY cleaned the house. Ok. Maybe not the whole house but the living room/kitchen area was about as clean as it's ever been since we moved in. The floors still needed mopping/vacuuming but for Austin... it was immaculate. I have enjoyed that clean space all weekend... despite (still) feeling icky... I have pirouetted through my living room several times. It's just such a great space when it's clean. I'm tempted to take my bedroom through the same process but I really am trying to preserve energy as much as possible since I'm really (still) struggling to breathe... coughing... running fevers... and generally feeling like I've been hit by a truck.

Good news for my ex-husband: narcissism is no longer considered a mental disorder under the DSM IV - the official book of psychiatric disorders. It's now just considered a personality trait, I suppose. I'd still avoid narcissists. They're the most insufferable people on the planet. Give me someone with multiple personalities... I'll find one of them I can get along with. Give me someone with manic depression... I'm like a cocker spaniel, I can cheer anyone up. Give me someone with bipolar disorder... I'll play on their mood swings... but a narcissist? Nope. They're just plain mean. They are incapable of compassion or understanding (by definition and by my personal experience).

Last night I dreamed that I got a bunch of Christmas cards in the mail. So far I've only gotten one but it's a treasure - Jim, Angie and the girls at Disney. SOoooo sweet!

I skipped the parade last night. It was so cold and damp. I didn't have the energy to go but I would have... but with that wet cold air... I knew I would be in trouble. I went to bed before 8pm... slept great... woke up feeling .... not great (still)... but better.

I went to Weight Watchers yesterday and normally when I'm not feeling good, I don't stay for the meeting but since this was the week of the reveal of the new PointsPlus program, I wanted to stay. Here's the thing: for 13 years with WW it's been a matter of calculating calories, fat and fiber. Now... you don't even calculate the calories! It's based on protein, carbs, fiber and fat. It's much more centered around whole foods (which I love) and healthy eating and balanced nutrition and honestly... it couldn't be a more perfect plan for me. It's about eating more nutritionally dense food... just like I always talk about "eating with purpose". I don't eat iceberg lettuce, not because I don't like it (what's to like or not like?) but because there's no purpose. It offers nothing... virtually no nutrients... no calories for energy... I might as well swallow air. And air tastes better and doesn't require dressing. I'm really excited about this plan and I believe it's going to be great for me. I will tell you this... I'm already feeling more satisfied because you get more points per day and more weekly points and I'm still losing weight despite the antibiotics, gunk filled lungs and some antibiotic induced grazing. More food, better nutrition, increased satisfaction... It's brilliant! Brilliant, I tell you!

Despite (still) sounding like a 3 pack a day smoker (I'm not)... I have plans to spend time with the Next Guy today. I can't tell you that Next Guy is The Guy but he's a Good Guy and I'm blessed to have him in my life, especially at a time of year where I normally feel really alone and isolated. He says a lot of really kind things... and I've told him that it's hard sometimes for me to hear kind words over the ugly echoes of the past (courtesy of narcissism) and you know what he does? He keeps saying kind things. I'm not entirely sure how to handle that. I wasn't prepared for someone to like me. I mean... I know how to be lonely and desperate... I don't know how to be appreciated. It's uncharted territory for me. It's also new territory trying to find the right balance between trying to use my hard earned lessons of the past to help me be a wiser, more discerning person... and letting those "lessons" be baggage or walls or a prison. One thing is certain... my head is a lot more involved in the process than it's ever been before. I used to let my heart lead the way... I can't do that ever again. (thank you narcissism).

The failed romance with Red Flag Guy was a good lesson for me, though, because I learned that I am able to walk away from situations that aren't right... and... I ended up with a good friend. I've always been a fairly transparent person (hello... blog?) but I'm learning to not be a sweet magnolia blossom of a southern girl and just blindly go ahead with things regardless of how they make me feel. I learned that if a man says he loves you and then starts listing things he wants you to change... he didn't really love you. He hired you to fill a role in his life and expects you to transform to be that character. Find someone who loves you like you are... not to say that people can't evolve, change, grow... and I think a stable, monogamous relationship is the perfect soil for people to blossom into their best self... but their love for you can't be contingent on you meeting their requirements for YOURSELF.

And that's your Sunday morning philosophy. Hope you enjoyed that little peek into my psyche.

I'm gonna grab a shower... put on some warm clothes cuz baby it's cold outside! Maybe work on my room a little bit or maybe... just curl up in the nest for now. Anything I do today is going to involve a lot of lazy so that I don't aggravate the snotty green beast that is lurking in my lungs.

Hope you have a wonderful winter day!


Anonymous said...

There is a lot here and little time...

First, let's define what we're talking about. 'Love' in and of itself is being sustained by someone else's mere existence. They don't have to do or say anything. When you're stronger because they're simply out there, that's love.

Being in love is being more strongly sustained in direct proportion to your closeness to that person.

All of this to say that when it comes to matters of the heart, they are by their nature risky, but indicators are clear. If someone is trying to change you, what's sustaining them isn't YOU, it's what they can DO TO you. Those people either love power or Martyrdom.

I would also say this: The true test of a person is how they act when they think no one will notice.

Words are fantastic. I love them. I make my living from them. However, in the end, coupling those words with behavior and emotion is what couples it all into a meaningful love.

Emotion plays a big part in that. Feelings are. We have limited biological control over them. However, emotion is the cognitive realization of those feelings as they're translated into behavior.

Manage you're awareness of your feelings and hence your emotions and you can make good decisions (or in theater parlance 'strong choices') and you can get more of what you want.

There is a 'This American Life' episode where a husband and wife get together and essentially think of each other as customers. It sounds bat crazy, but there is a certain sense to it.

What do you need? What do you want? Are you getting those things really? Is the price you pay to get them good?

It sound ruthless, but when it comes to being with another person, rarely does one find a healthy couple who would not recognize imperfections in the other. They just know that they get from the other more that sustains them and they can go forward and heal the world and themselves.

Becky said...

Such a good post. When you said, "I know how to be lonely and desperate, but I don't know how to be appreciated," I just wanted to give you a giant hug... and I also realized that it's true for me, as well, at least in my romantic history. To feel really appreciated and cared for by a man, and not feel like you were cast in the role of mother or child, would be a wondrous thing.

I always did just like you... started out a relationship thinking, "How can I be what he needs, so he'll want me?" and consequently attracted guys who saw in me a way to fulfill something in THEM. They loved me because they wanted me to make THEM feel a certain way, which I could do... up to the point where my real self started resenting feeling invisible. And at that point I there would come the realization (yes, sadly, I did this more than once) that I had cheated both myself and the man.

Letting a man know who you really are from the outset, and counting on him to do the same, seems infinitely wise and the best possible foundation. I applaud you, and it makes me so happy that no matter where this relationship goes, you are at the very least feeling appreciated for being YOU.

Hope you feel better soon.