Friday, August 15, 2008

Why Accepting an Apology is Harder Than It Looks




But is it really?









Let’s look at the way you should really accept an apology:





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Unknown said...

I really did love every bit of this article. To me, it is relevant at work and at home. It used to be hard for me to do what you described. But then, once you realize how many mistakes you've made, it gets easier.

Great read!

Anita said...

It's like anything else. It get easier with practice! Seriously, it's hard for us to open ourselves up to criticism from others and from ourselves. But once we see it can be a growing experience, I think we can start getting past it faster and learning from it.
Welcome to my blog -- hope you will stop by often.

Anonymous said...

When we feel that someone else is to blame for something that happened to us, in this case an error in a report, shouldn't we first think about how much we ourselves are to blame in this situation? Is the other one really sole responsible, or is it rather shared responsibility? Were we clear enough about the importance/urgency of the matter when asking for that information? Did our colleague know about our exposure? Do we know what (s)he really thinks/feels? Etc.

Furthermore, what have we done to protect ourselves, if anything? Was there a backup strategy? Does the report state what version of the information it is based on? Etc.

More importantly, what have we learned from this experience? How will we ensure that it will not repeat itself? How can we support our colleague to perform better, more reliably, or simply to our standard? Can we clarify our expectations? Are they documented/traceable (in an email for example)?

And do we actually know the people that we rely on? What is the rapport/relationship that we have established with them? And how is the single/repeated event going to influence that relationship? Will we continue our reliance on this colleague, give him/her an 2nd (3rd) chance, or will we evaluate alternate routes? Is it worth investing in this colleague, or do we have the (mutual) feeling that there is no added value? How is this impacting our overall feeling/motivation at work? Is this an isolated incident or is there a pattern? If so, have we thought about creative ways to break that pattern?

How can we develop a working relationship where all parties buy into the quality of our deliverable, feel committed? In other words, how can we share both risk & reward?

Finally, and most importantly, what is our true feeling towards the other? Do we feel empathy or anger? Do we feel hurt, jealous, frustrated, discouraged, ... and have we expressed this feeling? Would it actually help if we shared our feelings with this colleague, rather than simply accepting/acknowledging an apology?

And after all the questions: a word of advice: try to take distance, breath calmly and deeply, look at the situation in a factual, non-emotional way, feel compassionate, be assertive without aggression...

Anita said...

What a thoughtful response. You've given us a lot to think about and consider. I really like the way you stress the importance of communication -- external and internal.
Thanks for posting.