C Ya

Things with “C” have almost ran their course because he is just to damn controlling for me. He doesn’t want me to have my fb, he wants to be part of my new business-that will never happen and now he is starting to pressure me for sex. In today’s world everyone is having sex on the first date but I don’t drop my panties that quickly.

I have tried to calculate the cost of several dinners as far as sexual and I can’t quite figure out if the first time we went to dinner is worth a blow job, the second dinner, taking a shower together, third dinner, having sex. How do you figure out the cost of a date?

I have decided that I am not ready to be sexually active just quite yet or maybe I am waiting for the right person. I have agreed to meet someone in Vegas in January but I am not holding my breath waiting for this meeting to happen. He says he will follow through but I dont know if I can believe him.

I’m starting 2013 off on the right foot by letting someone into my life and if it isn’t “him” it will be someone else. I will not wait any longer for anyone and I want to be out of here in two years and that is how long it would take before any type of relationship would be stable enough for me to make any decisions.

X Me Please

Breaking up is hard to do when you are the one being dumped but when you are the “dumper” it feels like such a weight off of your shoulders. I always felt so bad when dumping someone and I would always say “it’s me not you”, when in fact it was me and not them. They just didn’t have that zing I needed in my relationships and more likely than not it was sexual incompatibility for me.

I know, I am slutty right? I demand a healthy sex life and one that  is adventurous and I will not apologize for limiting missionary. I am not sorry I am sexually expressive or find the missionary style so damn boring. I demand a healthy sex life or my relationships just fizzle as so many have done prior to my marriage and included my marriage.

I am not over sexed I just have a healthy attitude toward sex and relationships and if dumping someone because the were a lousy kisser or lousy in bed is the first step to a happy life. Sex and money destroy a relationship so easily so why settle for something or someone who doesn’t fulfill you?

Strength Of One

Why do people put others in the dog house? Why do people allow themselves to be placed in that position? Why can’t people discuss their problems instead of one making the other feel less than they are? I have always preferred to discussing our problems with my husband.

We got along very well as friends and we only had one major drag out fight during our marriage. We had little disagreements but not often and we were able to work them out. The one thing I do when I am really pissed is I refuse to talk and the silent treatment is given.

I do this because it is better for me to say nothing than to tear a person to shreds which is easy for me to do when I am boiling mad. I am silent because I am thinking about the why’s and how’s things ended up in an argument and how I can handle the situation in a calmer manner.

I never threw my husband out of the bedroom forcing him to sleep on the couch, hell he went on his own when he got mad. He had a temper that was hidden and when he let it out it was frightening, I wasn’t afraid he would hurt me but I was afraid for others that made him that mad.

I had told my husband about the abuse I had sustained as a child and how I had a boyfriend that beat me up several times. I told my husband if another man ever hit me I would kill him and my husband knew I wasn’t just talking. My husband grabbed me one time and that was once to many and I made damn sure that it never happened again.

There is always one person stronger in any relationship and I do not mean physically. I have always avoided arguments and I give in more often than not. I prefer to work out our problems instead of making someone feel less than they are and I hate going to bed angry.

I have a very strong personality but when it comes to relationships I want them to work and I will do what I have to, to make them work. I am not one that must always “win” the argument, I am the one that gives in so life can fall back into a comfortable existence.

Relationship Lies

I wonder how a many people are in relationships because they get along with the person and they are somewhat happy in the relationship. Why do people stay in safe relationships instead of going after the person they really want to be with? Why do people sell themselves short like that?

I know someone that is doing that exact thing but I can do nothing about it and they seem to be content or at least semi content. There is no doubt a baby in the picture which we all know how kids affect a relationship, either good or bad and even controlling a manipulating at times.

I would never want to be in that position again, either get married or have the kid on my own. It was tough enough to make when I was thirty four and I of course, made the wrong choice. I wish I would have raised her on my own because I would have been so much happier than I was.

It doesn’t matter how attractive you are or how wealthy you are, no one is immune to being cheated on or dumped. I would think those would be the people who fall the hardest because they expect to get whatever they want or whomever. I do not think men forty-five and over should have children.

When men get about fifty five they want do to as they please and have their children raised. They want to enjoy kinky sex and traveling without the kids any longer. I can’t blame them either because raising kids is rewarding but so is it when they are gone as well. 

Roll Playing

Roll playing can be so much fun and exciting if you let it and there are an uncountable amount of ways to do it. People get bored with each other and if you want to keep the eyes and body from straying spice up your life. You can do something as simple as acting like you don’t know each other and act like a pick up.

You can dress up at home and play out all kinds of different role-playing but most people don’t roll play because they are not comfortable with themselves or their bodies. I don’t care if you are stick thin, have an awesome body or like me a bbw, it’s all in the state of mind you are in.

Sex can make or break a relationship as most of you know and if you keep your mate enticed and excited you won’t have to worry about the straying. It all depends on how much your relationship means to you, do you want to be the one to wake up and your mate is gone because of lack of a good sex life or do you want to wake up with a smile on your face?

Film yourself and make a home video that is just for the two of you to share or do some cam sex with your significant other, mix it up keep your life saucy and exciting. Don’t be shy or afraid that you will not be accepted because believe it or not men love when their women are a bit kinky and exciting.

The Him

He’s a perfect dime, a perfect ten in my eyes, no he is not perfect but I prefer to look at the good side of him instead of the bad, and yes he is a bad boy, a very bad boy indeed. He’s got the most engaging smile and bright green eyes, he’s got a well manicured goatee which makes his lips kissable to me.

He is tall and that makes me feel safe and he is just a big kid at heart, a little boy inside that is gifted in so many ways. He’s very sensual and sexual and he has a huge sexual appetite that he can never satisfy with the right woman. He doesn’t bed a woman every night as he is to dedicated to his position in life.

I just wonder if I will ever be in his arms, am I in his dreams? Does he think about me? I wish I had answers to all these questions so I would know what direction to go in in my life. I am not on hold because of him but if he plans on being part of my life then it would be kind of nice if I knew.

Our Naughty Side

Everyone has a naughty side, you can deny it but you know it’s the truth. I like to write about erotic fantasies of my own and have a blog that I share these fantasies eroticfantasylife.wp.com I do not consider my thoughts “dirty” just normal especially for someone who hasn’t had sex in three years.

Yes, I am aware this is a very unhealthy lifestyle but I just cannot jump into bed with someone, it’s not that easy for me. I have to know something about the person more than their first name. How do I get satisfied? using toys of course and the jets in my bathtub. As a mature woman I enjoy an orgasm several times a day if at all possible but usually I am lucky to slip one in.

My kids know I have toys because as kids they have been snooping into my nightstand drawer. Kids always think their parents drawers hold secret prizes for them to take but they end up cracking up because they have found a sexual aid, which of course also grosses them out.

I finally have doors on my bedroom and basement and yes they  have locks on them. Unfortunately I have no choice but to have a lock on my door as I will have to keep all the knives locked up and the meds, its called suicide prevention as I can no longer trust Ry not to hurt himself.

Back to my erotic blog-I do not find it in the least bit offensive but some of you might, I am not ashamed of my body or any of my pics or words that I have written. I am who I am and that is not going to change, take me or leave me. I am quite comfortable in my own skin and few women that are BBW cannot say that.


The Dance Of The Night

The Dance Of The Night

He is always on my mind and I wonder what he is doing and wonder if he is thinking about me as well. I think this entire “relationship” that we have is really something and I am finding it to be quite romantic in such a subtle way.

I must say being courted this way is interesting and exciting as it keeps me wondering and guessing and that is exactly what his goal has been all along. He’s a sly one indeed and smart, o yes very smart but he wanted me to know who he is and he dropped a shitload of hints.

People like to hide but they also like to be found as well and that is exactly what he did, laid out information that would lead me closer and closer to who he was. He knows I know who he is but as long as we do not meet until we are completely alone. I guess he feels safer that way which is fine with me I can live without the bullshit .

I am so excited about meeting him as this is so damn romantic that he has got  like the most romantic guy in the world. How that is so hot to me. He needs to know if what he feels is real and I am the same way as I have these feelings.

I need to validate my emotions and I think we both already know but need to be together to get to know each other. It’s crazy isn’t it, to have feelings and deep emotions for someone we have never met. He knows me better than anyone alive, even my closest friends and that is so odd but comforting.

He is comfortable, yes I feeling comfortable chatting with him and that is a nice feeling as is the protective feeling I get from him. It’s just the oddest relationship yet it is comfortable and fits well and I like it and am enjoying the hell out of the dance of the night.


I still think of him daily, in fact on and off all day, I worry about him constantly and I know he is fine but I am still concerned. He has it all but the one thing he really wants and needs and no one can help him but himself and he has found random casual sex is no longer fulfilling.

He is lonely but no one would ever think or guess that he is as he puts on such a happy face to all except to his best buddy. He knows what “the man” is lacking and he knows in time things will change for the man but as of now things will stay the same.

He is committed to his position and he gets lost in his dreams just waiting impatiently for the time he has waited for, for as long as he can remember. He knows what he wants and who he wants but he can do nothing about it right now.

He isn’t doing what he loves, no he is doing what he knows and at times he wishes things were different. He knows she waits and she cares and he knows she wants no one but him, yet they have never met but he knows where her heart is.

He knows she is not a typical woman and he knows she is different in many ways and he refuses to let go of what he wants. He stalks her online and he worries that someone will snatch her up before he gets an opportunity to even meet her.

He imagines what life would be like with her sexually and he wonders if she is real or she exaggerates who she is. He wonders so many things about her and he tests her constantly to see if she is committed to him and him alone.

She has given up on waiting and she is searching but will not find what she seeks as she seeks him and only him. He is special to her and always has been, she has not and will not open her heart to another because she knows what others do not.

She believes in destiny and God’s word and God has set his master plan in motion and he will see to it that the people that should be together will be together and nothing will stop that. 

Forget It

I was going to go to NY but I see no reason to spend money to meet someone that works until 8 p.m. and has no time for me anyway. He just wanted to get laid and that is just wrong as far as I am concerned and I was not good enough to stay with him and he doesn’t have a car.

This is not the type of person for me not at all and I am glad I have walked away from that situation. I want a relationship and I want to meet someone that is ready for a relationship but not necessarily ready to jump in head first.

I’m in no hurry to get involved with anyone but if you are reeling from a bad relationship then I am not the person to pick up those pieces. I have picked up my own life’s pieces and I am ready to move on but not desperate and not jumping in.

I have learned to be more cautious which I have demonstrated by changing my mind about NY. I do not want to be someones fuck and good time, no I am not going to be either. As far as “him” well he is no more and never will be again.

I miss him but one must do what is best for themselves and that is what I am doing. It would have been nice if we had met and found out if there was a mutual attraction but we did not and that is just the way it went. I still believe God has meant for us to be together but I no longer wait for him and will never wait for anyone again.

When you wait for three years and there is no meeting then it’s time to shelf it and I have had no choice but to do just that. I just move through the days and do what I must but I still have days that I am down in mouth so to speak.

I wish to no longer wish to meet him or waste time thinking about what could have been or could be but that will never happen so do what makes me happy and makes me feel good about myself. He no longer rules my decisions as you can see by me almost going to NY.

At this point Im looking for a guy friend, someone to hang with and have fun with, I so like men and get along with them so much better then women. It would be nice to hook up with someone and just be friends without the expectation of sex.

I do not want a relationship based on great sex alone and I want to have a meeting of the minds if that is possible. Fucking is not something you base a relationship on as even sex does tend to get old with the same person after awhile.

I tried so hard to liven up Bob’s and I sex life but he was so rigid there was no excitement allowed, no he just wanted to cum and go. There was no cuddling, kissing or touching and I was always left feeling empty and alone.

I want a rich relationship, rich in communication and love one that is all encompassing and consuming on both parts. Someone that will take the time to understand and to listen and who let’s the kid out and loves to laugh and share.

I do not want the perfect relationship, no I want the arguments and disagreements because that is what builds a relationship, how you deal with disagreements. I’m so go with the flow most of the time but there are times I put my foot down and you cannot budge me.

Maybe one day I will find my soul mate and we will live happily ever after and enjoy our lives together but as for now, things are just go from day to day with uneventful moments through out the day and court of course. I will have my record wiped clean come December which is a good thing.