10 Reasons Why Storming Area 51 Maybe Isn't a Great Idea

It is a military installation, after all.

An Alien UFO Landing Site
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Over 1.5 million people have signed up for a joke event called Storm Area 51, They Can't Stop All of Us. The event’s slogan is “let’s see them aliens,” echoing a popular conspiracy theory that the U.S. military is keeping flying saucer wreckage, unearthly technology, and recovered extra-terrestrial bodies—or perhaps they are even holding live aliens.

The mass trespass is set for September 20th. While it’s clearly not meant to be taken seriously, maybe some people will turn up for it. Here are 10 good reasons to think twice about storming Area 51.

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1 You Can't Handle the Truth
The X Project
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Conspiracy theorists have it that aliens are being kept secret because of fears that people would freak out if they discovered the truth. This argument is brushed aside casually in shows like the X-Files who want the truth at any cost. But what if the authorities are right?

Advanced alien intelligences pose a serious threat to religious belief. Mankind may not be the unique being made in the divine image as believe. Theologian Ted Peters carried out a survey in 2011 of what effect people thought alien contact would have on their religion.

Interestingly, most people thought that their own religion would remain intact, but the event would seriously challenge other faiths.

Somebody is fooling themselves.

2 Naruto Running Won't Provide Complete Protection

“If we Naruto run, we can move faster than their bullets,” promises the Storm Area 51 Facebook site.

The Naruto Run is named after a manga character who runs at superhuman speed with his arms stretched out behind him. This has spawned a host of internet memes with people imitating Naruto’s running style in unlikely situations.

Usain Bolt, the fastest man on the planet, can sprint at a top speed of about 40 feet per second. A 9mm bullet moves at something over 1,200 feet per second, or about thirty times faster. Also attempts harness Naruto’s technique have not been successful. Outrunning a bullet seems unlikely.

Crucial additional point: however fast you’re going, you’re running towards the guns. So, your speed is just going to make it sting more when they hit.

3 Heed the Signs
Matt Blitz

Area 51 is famously surrounded by menacing warning signs. The place is not just a Hollywood myth: It is a genuine classified defense site and is protected as such.

“Restricted Area: it is unlawful to enter this area without permission of the Installation Commander”

Legally speaking, if you cross that line you are committing an offense against Section 1382 of Title 18, of entering a military installation without permission, which makes you liable to a $500 fine. But that’s the least of your worries.

“While on this installation all personnel and the property under their control are subject to search”

This is not an idle threat. Being caught in Area 51 means you are likely to be searched rather thoroughly and be left lying face down on the ground for three hours, as happened to a BBC film crew in 2016.

In 2019 a man was shot dead after failing to stop at a security gate. After an 8-mile chase, the man was stopped by NNSS Security Protective Force Officers and Nye County Sheriff’s Office and shot when he refused to follow verbal instructions and did not drop a ‘cylindrical metal object.’

They will shoot if they need to.

4 It’s No Place for a Vacation
JULY 20, 2016: DigitalGlobe satellite image Area 51.  The United States Air Force facility commonly known as Area 51 is a remote detachment of Edwards Air Force Base, within the Nevada Test and Training Range.
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The site was originally chosen in the 1950s as a testing ground for classified aircraft. The selection was made by Kelly Johnson, the legendary Lockheed engineer behind the U-2 and SR-71 programs. Johnson wanted a dry lakebed to provide a long, flat landing site.

Dry lake beds by definition occur in inhospitable desert places, and Groom Lake, as the place was originally known, is scorching hot in daytime with temperatures routinely over 100 Fahrenheit and minimal precipitation.

The area also happens to be downwind of one of the original nuclear test sites, so there is residual radiation to consider.

Johnson gave the secret site the ironic codename “Paradise Ranch.” Crews sent to the this attractive-sounding location were horrified to find themselves in a place once officially described by the U.S. Army as “a damn good place to dump used razor blades.”

It is not pleasant hiking terrain. And there are no facilities: no cafes, no convenience stores, no public rest rooms and no water. So bring a hat, sun block, a few gallons to drink, and a Geiger counter.

5 It's a National Security Thing
Getty Images

Area 51 has been used for flight testing for generations of classified aircraft, from the early U-2 high altitude spy planes to the Mach 3 SR-71 Blackbird and the F-117 Nighthawk stealth fighter. Less well known programs have included the Tacit Blue stealthy scout and a whole range of ‘alien technology’ investigations—not craft from other planets but performance testing of Russian MiGs .

These operations are kept secret for good reason: foreign powers would just love to know what goes on at Area 51 and what the next generation prototypes look like. While satellites mean that nowhere is completely out of sight, satellites follow predictable paths and operations can be timed to avoid their gaze.

A successful invasion of the hangars and offices of Area 51, with all the pictures that would burst into the public domain, would be a triumph for Russia, China, and others interested in the latest U.S. technology.

6 You'll See What You Want To See
Lost alien in secret government underground facility
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Intelligence agencies have long made use of the UFO community for their own purposes. Early classified aircraft were often reported as flying saucers. In particular, the metal finish of early U-2s catching the light at dawn or dusk at high altitude made them both conspicuous and mysterious. One study in the 1950s concluded that half of unexplained sightings were classified aircraft.

In order to divert attention from real projects, the Air Force Office of Special Investigation and others started feeding disinformation to UFO groups. As Mark Pilkington’s 2013 Mirage Men recounted they allowed selected individuals to see (but not copy) fake official documents, photographs, and other ‘evidence’ of alien activity to shape a whole mythology.

The intelligence agencies are smart when it comes to handling information. Those storming Area 51 might get glimpses of weird-looking machinery, saucer-shaped craft parked in hangars, or even big-eyed aliens peeking out from upper windows.

But everything you see will be exactly what they want you to see. It might be real–but it might not be.

7 Don't Forget the Neuralyzer

Men In Black always carry a Neuralyzer, a handy piece of alien technology which can make the target forget what they have just seen. Any security breaches can be sealed instantly.

There is real-life research into devices which produce amnesia on demand. The CIA’s infamous Project MK-ULTRA included research into a way of producing “the perfect concussion,” a blow to the head which would render a victim unconscious and leave them with no memory of the actual attack. They got as far as experimenting with sound beams.

While MK-ULTRA was wound up, the Pentagon continued research in this area, and in 1985, it was shown that a sequence of flashing lights could induce amnesia in rats.

Even if you get into Area 51, you may not have any memory of what you saw afterwards.

8 Crash Those Markets
Stock market crash
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The discovery of alien technology would be a huge jolt to the stock market. The tech sector looms large in any top ten, with giants like Apple, Microsoft, Alphabet and Facebook. All of these would be severely compromised if it turned out that what they have to offer is centuries behind the stash of technology released from Area 51.

What little work has been done on this suggests alien contact would not be good for the markets.

There would be a free-for-all as everyone rushed to take advantage of the new tech. The existing order would upended. There might be a negative effect as human science becomes irrelevant, and researchers lose all their funding because someone else already has all the answers.

Assuming we survive the likely crash, on the positive side, the technology might give us unlimited free energy and open the way to the stars. On the negative side, it might also give every street gang the firepower to obliterate cities.

Maybe a controlled release might be safer?

9 Some Dangerous Alien Tech
man dressed in alien costume looking at mobile
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Assuming the theory is correct, and Area 51 is a treasure trove of advanced alien technology and reverse-engineered flying saucers, then storming it is going to be met with some serious resistance.

A conventional facility may be protected by security guards with M16s, but if there is alien technology involved, you can expect to be met with cyborgs in chameleon stealth suits, invisible killer drones and energy barriers, dimension warps, and other impassable obstacles.

Or at the very least, phasers on stun.

10 What If They're Keeping Something In?
Cthulhu monster standing by the sea
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The human wave of a million Naruto runners brings the barbed wire crashing down, and the crowd storms Area 51's administrative center. They seize the controls and the blast doors grind open, the defensive systems are deactivated, the doors are unlocked, the force fields powered down (don't forget the alien tech).

All the secrets are there to be revealed, right down to the lowest, most secret 29th level sub-basement and the dreaded "nightmare hall."

But before the crowd can start exploring the facility, a sanity-shattering sound emerges from the depths. From the bowels of the underground facility, Great Cthulhu stirs.

He is freed at last from his eons-long confinement. A gigantic alien being beyond our comprehension, whose very appearance warps the mind, and with no interest in puny humans except as a tasty snack.

A slimy mass of tentacles (as seen on Google Earth images of Area 51) bursts out on to the surface and a hungry Cthulhu starts gobbling humans like popcorn.

Well, you wanted to see them aliens…

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