You strap the kids into their car seats, slap Elmo's greatest hits in the stereo and yet a feeling remains in the pit of your stomach as you drive to your sister's house on Christmas Eve.

It isn't the eggnog. It's the annual stress test of family gatherings.

Families love to gather around the holidays, but they don't always know how. Mothers-in-law toss subtle bombs about child-rearing skills, parents become hypersensitive to slights perceived and real, and kids try to enjoy the fun without melting down.

What's a parent to do?

The solutions range from the obvious to the obscure, but start with the simple. Don't take the bait.

Holiday gatherings are not times to defend your parenting, your physique or your child's behavior, experts suggest. Offer five-word answers, walk away and give your kids plenty of breaks from holiday partying.

"The holidays, really, it's about self preservation, it is not about arguing back against these people. It is not about defending yourself," said Christina Eckert, author of "Winning Against the Wackos in Your Life."

The short answer is often the best, Eckert says, because judgmental types feed off your responses. It may be hard, but when your sister announces your daughter eats like a rabid half-starved jackal, just say, "Huh," or, "Really," Eckert says.

"Silence is sometimes a wonderful answer," added Margo Howard, a nationally syndicated advice columnist based at Yahoo! News.

Howard recommends basic steps as preparation: Get a good night's sleep, retain a sense of humor and bring strays -- non-relatives without agendas.

"And for God's sake don't go drunk," said Howard, acknowledging that nervous partygoers sometimes fortify themselves before arriving.

At family gatherings, parents can be their worst enemies.

One Father's Day, Janna Cawrse decided to whip up salmon quiche for her husband, dad and brother-in-law. Unfortunately, her newborn daughter didn't want to celebrate, and remained inconsolable while Cawrse cooked.

Cawrse, a 36-year-old writer and mother who lives in the Queen Anne neighborhood, became hard to console as she served now-cold quiche. Even though the guests of honor were supportive, she said, "I just felt like they were perceiving me as such a bad parent. I think I cried about as much as my daughter did."

Since serving that chilly quiche, Cawrse has learned to set limits and lower her expectations.

Holiday harmony, though, isn't the sole responsibility of younger parents like Cawrse. Grandparents have their own rules.

Seasonal gatherings are times to realize your kids grew up, says Jane Adams, a Seattle-based social psychologist and life coach.

"They want to be seen as the adults they became, not the children they were," Adams said. "... Be really careful not to infantilize your grown children in front of their own children."

Adams suggests grandparents have the same power as ex-presidents: great historical standing but little leverage to alter current events, or parenting styles.

Advice for family harmony is great, but getting parents of any age to take it can be as hard as persuading a 4-year-old to eat Brussels sprouts.

That's because the holiday season is loaded with expectations and memories of past Christmas celebrations, even if those memories are just figments of imagination.

This season is even harder as the economy edges closer to a recession and the country remains at war, said Kimberly McKenna, a family adviser on Whidbey Island.

"It is all about anxiety. This is the time of year when everyone is just turbocharged," said McKenna, author of "Confessions of an Evil Stepmom."

Given the charged atmosphere, it usually is a good idea for partygoers to cut back on the booze, experts agree.

Parents also should remember their children have challenges.

Kids are tossed into a new home, with gifts, toys, odd food and sugar everywhere. It's a recipe for a meltdown.

Parents can help by remaining nearby. For the same reasons drivers are more careful when they spot a police officer, children often slow down and behave when Dad or Mom is around, says Amy Egan, a child-behavior specialist.

Get a head start by talking to everyone ahead of time: your spouse, other parents and definitely your children, Egan said.

Your kids should know what to expect and have props, perhaps a favorite toy, they can use to hold conversations with adults, since both Junior and Grandma often need help crossing generational lines, said Egan.

The Maryland-based therapist suggests lowering the odds of a meltdown by taking your children outside for breaks and assigning them tasks.

And when your brother gives the kids Lucky Charms for breakfast, take a deep breath and remember it will be a great memory, not necessarily the first step to a root canal, Egan added.

At least the American family is making progress.

Today's parents often want more intimate relationships with their baby boomer parents, who had less open relationships with their own parents, according to Adams.

"There is more honesty and openness in family relationships today," said Adams, who wrote "I'm Still Your Mother: How To Get Along With Your Grown-Up Children for the Rest of Your Life."

The most important thing is to keep a healthy perspective. The fighting and tension always seem to last forever, but it's the happy moments you remember five years later, Michael Linscott said as he prepared to welcome his parents, sister, her husband and newborn to his Mill Creek home.

"That's why (you) do it," he said.