If I Had a Million Dollars, I’d Be Rich (But I Digress)

If I had a million dollars, I would not buy you a house, or a fur coat (but not real fur, ’cause that’s cruel), or an exotic pet.

Seriously, though. I wouldn’t buy any of the things in that song. No offense, Internet. It’s just that I already have a lot of plans for what I’d purchase with my fictional bucks. It’s a pastime of mine, daydreaming about all the stuff I’d have if I was rich. (What do rich people daydream about, do you think? Because they sure as fuck aren’t jonesing for Kraft mac-n-cheese or a twin-size bed. But I digress.)

If you eat caviar every day, this is a delicacy.

So here it is. The official WildHearts if-I-get-rich shopping list.

  1. Weed. Lots and lots and lots of weed. And a beautiful bong, and a cute little bowl, and a gorgeous vape. In fact, I would have a special room in my mansion (see Number 2) just to hotbox.
  2. A mansion.
  3. A butler named Jenkins. Or Watson. If he has a different name, I will force him to change it.
  4. A bunch of fluffy, friendly dogs and cats.
  5. A Porsche Spyder, and a Mini Cooper.

I probably put too many pictures of people smoking on here, but whether you’re down with the ganj or not, you have to admit that smoke is very aesthetically pleasing. Besides, I thought to myself, What would the lovely People of the Internet prefer, a photo of an old British butler, or a pretty girl? I made a judgment call. But, once more, I digress.

Other things I would like include a maid, a fennel fox called Sebastian, really nice leather boots, headphones that don’t just indiscriminately blast music to the world while barely reaching my ears (thanks, iPod), and a Hello Kitty water dispenser. So watch out, world. When I make my millions, you’re gonna…you’re gonna…well, you’re not gonna hear Ke$ha blasting from my head when I walk by, that’s what!