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My house isn’t a ‘real’ house and my toilet isn’t a ‘proper’ toilet !

(114 Posts)
ChocoIateandTea Sat 19-Oct-19 08:54:58

According to my DM ......

I have a council house and a secure lifetime tenancy, according to her this still isn’t a ‘real’ house not like dsis flat as she has a mortgage .......

Dsis has 2 REAL PLUMBED in toilets and my second one is a macerator so it’s not a proper toilet

And best of all my dh who works full time ........ his job ‘isn’t as good or important’ as bil job because .....
Bil wears a suit to work 🤣🤣🤣

I give up I don’t know whether to laugh or cry

ChocAuVin Sat 19-Oct-19 08:56:50

Oh dear! Feel a bit sorry for her... smile and wave...


Namechangeforthiscancershit Sat 19-Oct-19 08:57:33

She can come back when she can make a "proper" comment grin

ChocoIateandTea Sat 19-Oct-19 08:57:36

I was a little offended at first but she’s almost becoming like a character from little Britain with some of her ‘opinions’

Namechangeforthiscancershit Sat 19-Oct-19 08:58:17

Does she live in a castle and run the Treasury?

ChocoIateandTea Sat 19-Oct-19 08:58:43

The suit one made me laugh she said it like dh is making a choice rather than wearing his actual work uniform !

ChocoIateandTea Sat 19-Oct-19 09:00:56

No no she lives in a house which she owns !! She reminds me of this a lot

She also told me how she married ‘above her social class’ and ‘expected ALL of her children to do the same’ 🤣

Milkywayfan Sat 19-Oct-19 09:01:22

Obviously she is bonkers and fortunately you have kept your sense of humour. Or more frivolously I have friend who runs large company and makes a lot of dosh and never wears a suit either because tech. You can ask DM whether he doesn’t have a proper job either smilegrin

Wallywobbles Sat 19-Oct-19 09:02:33

And you'll get to choose her proper home in the end. Last laughs on you I'd say.

ChocoIateandTea Sat 19-Oct-19 09:02:54

It just makes me laugh how uptight she is about it all!

LightandShadowsByTurn Sat 19-Oct-19 09:03:34

My sister once told me, my DC christening would not be a proper christening as it was to be held in a centre on a council estate!

It was a church, not one with a spire but still a church and yes it was on an estate but I did not realise that made it any less of a church.

Camomila Sat 19-Oct-19 09:04:16

I thought this was going to be a toddler!
When he was younger he'd get a bit confused when houses/flats weren't red and brick coloured. He argue they were all offices and hospitals.

MrsMozartMkII Sat 19-Oct-19 09:06:37


Definitely just laugh or you'll go bonkers. I know she's you're mum, but she's barking.

TheSecretJeven Sat 19-Oct-19 09:07:43

Sorry but your DM sounds batshit.

TottieandMarchpane Sat 19-Oct-19 09:08:46

I’d go and use her “real” loo six times a day, on account of yours being ersatz.

Maybe take baths there and cook in her (real) kitchen too.

ClemDanFango Sat 19-Oct-19 09:10:33

Tell her she can’t use the toilet because as she’s says, it’s not real and she’ll have to hold it until she gets home.

YobaOljazUwaque Sat 19-Oct-19 09:11:24

Sounds like she's not a 'proper' mum, with such unloving attitudes. Happily, you do not need her good opinion in order the thrive. You are doing fine, and do not need to give her opportunities to do you down.

DontCallMeShitley Sat 19-Oct-19 09:12:15

Is her name Hyacinth?

ChocoIateandTea Sat 19-Oct-19 09:14:34

When she occasionally visits she will only use the upstairs one !!!!
But she rarely comes round I think she may be .....embarrassed 🤣

MysweetAudrina Sat 19-Oct-19 09:18:03

I have never heard the word macerator before can someone tell me what it is? Btw I have 3 toilets in my house but despite this obvious superiority I have gotten to 45 without ever hearing that word.

KUGA Sat 19-Oct-19 09:19:06

Sadly she doesn`t live in the real world and she needs to know it lol

ChocoIateandTea Sat 19-Oct-19 09:19:33

Like a saniflo toilet really it just can be put anywhere I think

minipie Sat 19-Oct-19 09:22:13

Ha I thought this was going to be a comment made by a 5 year old on a playdate. It’s about that level of maturity and tact.

Trills Sat 19-Oct-19 09:23:46

A council house (or even a rented house!) is a real house but a macerator is definitely not a proper toilet.

EleanorReally Sat 19-Oct-19 09:25:35

agree, she is not proper mum if she doesnt support your lifestyle

Mollpop Sat 19-Oct-19 09:26:35

Don't let it get to you. She sounds insecure and a snob

FredaFrogspawn Sat 19-Oct-19 09:26:43

Tell her your sister also has a proper mum who supports her but sadly you don’t.

TheFaerieQueene Sat 19-Oct-19 09:27:40

Imagine going through life with such ridiculous ideas.

MsTSwift Sat 19-Oct-19 09:27:59

She’s right about the loo though no good can come of a macerator loo <shudder>

cheeseislife8 Sat 19-Oct-19 09:28:13

She sounds batshit!

ChocoIateandTea Sat 19-Oct-19 09:29:18

It’s been ok so far, we just have a rule that it’s only for 1 thing not the other !! No issues at all. So maybe she’s partly right as we don’t use it for all we could 🤣🤣

ChazsBrilliantAttitude Sat 19-Oct-19 09:31:56

Your Mum is Hyacinth Bucket?

I sometimes wonder if Snob stands for Stupid, Nasty Old Bastard

Trills Sat 19-Oct-19 09:33:16

A loo that you can't poo in is not a proper loo. Glad you have accepted this.

SchadenfreudePersonified Sat 19-Oct-19 09:36:32

You swine Chaz - I wanted to accuse OP's mother of being Hyacinth Bucket, and you've beaten me to it and spoiled my entire day!


GooseFeather Sat 19-Oct-19 09:37:12

A macerator basically chops up the poo and paper, and liquidises it, then pumps it away to a soil pipe on another wall. They can be noisy, but allow people to have a loo in a location where it would not otherwise be possible. It is an additional unit behind a normal loo, so no idea where she has got the batshit idea that it is not a proper loo from.

Rock4please Sat 19-Oct-19 09:39:47

Well she wouldn't approve of my family then. We live on a large council estate called the Barbican and have a macerator (work of the devil)grin

Mumoftwoyoungkids Sat 19-Oct-19 09:40:20

My friend’s husband is a paediatric heart surgeon. He doesn’t wear a suit to work. His job is a teeny bit important though.....

ChocoIateandTea Sat 19-Oct-19 09:40:25

She does partly have a point I guess with the toilet. I’m sure they work for some people but anyone with boys wouldn’t risk it. My dds I’m sore would be fine but I’ve been confronted by what looks like a felled oak trunk too many times and there’s no way I’d let teenage ds use that toilet 🤣 so I’ll
Give her that one maybe it’s not a proper one 🤣🤣

ChocoIateandTea Sat 19-Oct-19 09:40:43


ChocoIateandTea Sat 19-Oct-19 09:42:32

The suit issue she honestly thinks if dh ‘made an effort’ and wore a suit his boss would ‘be impressed’

I’m pretty sure he would turn round to him and say how the f are you meant to do your job in that !!! (manual work def 100% not a job to do wearing a suit !!!!!)

Cuddlysnowleopard Sat 19-Oct-19 09:44:46

The only people I know who wear suits are estate agents and middle management. Anyone more senior wears trousers and an open shirt.

Went for a coffee with a friend who is a very very senior judge - he was wearing trousers and a jumper.

Cuddlysnowleopard Sat 19-Oct-19 09:47:08

Watching the English by Kate Fox will explain all of this in detail. Fascinating book.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude Sat 19-Oct-19 09:47:14

I couldn’t resist the urge...Sorry

cometothinkofit Sat 19-Oct-19 09:49:21

Is her name Hyacinth? Someone go there before me! grin

So she married above her social class did she?

Tell her she must have married for money rather than love, then.

LollyBeebee123 Sat 19-Oct-19 09:50:12

Tell her she’s a snob and you’re happy with your life and make no other comment. That’ll bug her.

ChocoIateandTea Sat 19-Oct-19 09:50:38

She actually did and freely admits it! That’s why she has a real house apparently

ChocoIateandTea Sat 19-Oct-19 09:53:08

No wonder it didn’t last long she got her house had a couple of dc and got rid of him and got herself a house In a nice mc location and all bills paid for a long time !

The one of her daughters humiliated her with a teenage pregnancy and a partner from a lower class 🤣
She always asks me ‘what on EARTH did you see in him ‘ like I was meant to ask for his last 6 months of bank statements and for proof of his family wealth status before going on a date

NettleTea Sat 19-Oct-19 09:53:26

she would have a fit at my friend who lives in a yurt and has a composting toilet

fargo123 Sat 19-Oct-19 09:54:59

I can't say I've ever seen Mark Zuckerberg wearing a suit, but his little Facebook company seems to be doing alright for itself.....

EmmiJay Sat 19-Oct-19 09:55:54

I read some of these threads and can't believe mothers and fathers actually fix their mouths to say things like this to their own children. Mines have never and I'd be shocked if they ever did!

ChocoIateandTea Sat 19-Oct-19 09:58:08

She’s just a nightmare she would I truly believe be happy to see me in a miserable marriage to someone wealthy than how I am now absolutely happy and just getting by

KnittingSister Sat 19-Oct-19 09:58:15

Our first house had a macerator toilet, which we installed, it was in the main bathroom. It dealt with all that we put down there grin
The 'proper' loo was next to the back door. It may not have had heating brrr!
Both our houses were ex council, they're lovely, as they're mortgaged, does that make them 'proper', or because they were council first are they not proper?? (Houses were consecutive, not concurrent, just in case that's not clear!)

Anyway, suffice to say that your DM is crackers (sorry) is she not pleased her DD is happy, warm, dry, safe, housed?!

Coconutbug Sat 19-Oct-19 09:58:14

Lol I know so many people in high positions at work, general managers, directors etc and none of them wear suits to work! At the very least they wear a open shirt and trousers. But most don't at all!! That's so silly.

Poor DM!!!

WineIsMyCarb Sat 19-Oct-19 09:58:41

Is it made of straw or sticks like 2 of the 3 little pigs? If so I agree, it's really more of a temporary shelter.

Otherwise she's crackers and can buzz off (DC are here so am being very polite!)

Wilmalovescake Sat 19-Oct-19 09:59:08

We had a saniflo loo for years in a previous house and used it for all purposes with no problems at all!

Greyhound22 Sat 19-Oct-19 10:04:39

I have this off various family members OP - we live in a flat belonging to and next door to PIL. Whilst this may sound a nightmare for some I actually love it. I get on really well with PIL and MIL is a great support with childcare and with me as I am unwell. Just this week I've had:

'Well when you get a proper house'

'I don't know where you're going to put all this stuff' *tinkly laugh'

'You need to move out really - DS needs a garden' (we have one - big enough that there's a 10ft trampoline in the middle of it.

It actually really upsets me as I feel like everyone is talking about us behind our backs. I actually rarely take fuck all interest in other people's living arrangements.

I would limit the time you spend with her. Can't stand people like that.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow Sat 19-Oct-19 10:06:26

Ive now got adverts for plumbers and macerators down tge side if my page.
Start calling her Hyacinth.

Greyhound22 Sat 19-Oct-19 10:07:39

Oh and my DH wears a boilersuit that's normally filthy to work. He earns a lot more than any of the men at my office in their suits do. She sounds a bit dimwitted.

cricketmum84 Sat 19-Oct-19 10:09:37

She sounds batshit 😂

At least you can laugh at her comments and don't take them to heart.

I think you should set up a twitter account using #batshitMILgems and tweet every time she comes out with something crazy!

ChocoIateandTea Sat 19-Oct-19 10:10:12

Dh literally only wore a suit for our wedding! I can’t imagine him in one now but to dm it means so much !

cricketmum84 Sat 19-Oct-19 10:11:04

Sorry just realised I read it wrong and it's your Mum and not your MIL.

Same applies though!

WhiskeyLullaby Sat 19-Oct-19 10:12:52

I have one of those. Mothers,not toilets.grin

DD and a friend's daughter started school the same day,same school,same class,same uniform(which we bought together at the same place. Mum thinks my friend is wealthy,fancy and a proper woman/grownup.

She kept insisting that my friend's DD uniform was better,looked better and neater and better quality than DD's.gringrin

ChocoIateandTea Sat 19-Oct-19 10:13:47

I think her absolute worst ever and highly offensive comment (and the point at which contact was massively scaled back) was the day she said to me I need led to get an ancestry test done as her friends were asking questions about dh ethnicity and why the children were born with brown eyes. She said it’s ‘better to know but she wasn’t being racist’ which is a million tones worse than her digs about social class etc
Suffice to say she never got her diy or shopping done by dh ever again he just refuses to speak to her

ChocoIateandTea Sat 19-Oct-19 10:16:16

It’s literally bdays, Xmas and family gatherings where we have to listen to her opinions about how superior everyone else is. Tbh she doesn’t know yet but this year we have planned to not see anyone at Xmas we think it’s time we stopped but I’m waiting to break the news to her about that one. Probably at 1155pm on Xmas eve, via text then I might turn my phone off ..

ChocoIateandTea Sat 19-Oct-19 10:19:50

She also told me a few months ago ‘it’s not too late you could still be a doctor you know if you TRIED’

Erm, I’m 37 with just a handful of GCSEs somehow I don’t think that’s possible

RueCambon Sat 19-Oct-19 10:23:47

Secure life time tenancy not to be sniffed out, that's great. BDon't understand the toilet thing.

BarbaraofSeville Sat 19-Oct-19 10:23:54

As if what a person wears to work has any bearing on how important their job is.

For example if your DH is a binman, she'd be quick to moan if all the binmen suddenly quit to go off and get jobs that they could wear suits to, so that they were proper and important and all that.

Imagine how many more marketing managers and other good and important workers like salesmen they could be if no-one did useless jobs like emptying the bins, because it's obviously far less important.

CymaticPrincess88 Sat 19-Oct-19 10:27:15

wotsittoyou Sat 19-Oct-19 10:29:10

One of my most vivid memories from my first child's birth was the beautiful knitted jumper the consultant was wearing. So chunky and with such depth of colour... just super duper quality. I'm imagining his mil telling him he didn't have a proper job now.

RueCambon Sat 19-Oct-19 10:29:30

The suit to work obsession is funny. Apart from law, and that's the only exception really, traditionally I would have said that the 'jobs' you don't need a degree to go in to like banking or insurance or estate agents wear suits to work, I know for years I had to wear a suit but my brother who was educated wore jeans and a jumper to work. So my mum gets that. But she is very disappointed in me although her own life is ''smaller'' than mine.

It's sad, trying to live through your adult daughter. YOu'd think she'd have figured out by now, her life is what she makes of it. I'd tell her it's not too later for her to be a doctor!

violettrose28 Sat 19-Oct-19 10:31:27

we inherited a mascerator-fitted ensuite bathroom when we moved here. Fifteen years later and it's still the same bathroom and still going strong.

ChocoIateandTea Sat 19-Oct-19 10:32:47

She gives occasional style advice too ....

On my 30 th bday she said I needed to book an appointment to have my hair ‘cut into a nice bob as over 30 you can’t have long hair’

She also recommended I get some nice smart flat foot gloves from m and s and wear a polo neck and a knee length skirt more suited to my age. She’s comedy gold really With her style tips
Everything else she’s just rude

HalfBloodPrincess Sat 19-Oct-19 10:34:07

I was told my family isn't a proper family because I'm a single parent hmm

Ambidexte Sat 19-Oct-19 10:34:55

I read your thread title and assumed that you were living in a cave and pooping in a bucket.

Then read your OP and realised that it's actually your DM's opinions that are the bucket of shit...

Seriously, I would not be in contact with this person. Bye bye Hyacinth smile

ChocoIateandTea Sat 19-Oct-19 10:36:14

Well I think we will have a nicer Xmas with not seeing her this year

BarbaraofSeville Sat 19-Oct-19 10:36:16

Well my DP doesn't even own a suit, we only have one toilet and live in an ex council house so I don't know how unreal she would consider our house and lifestyle.

Ironically one of the many jobs he used to do was all the sealing around toilets, baths etc in new build houses and he used to comment about the multitude of toilets, with upstairs toilets, downstairs toilets, multiple ensuites and he would come home and say things like 'I don't know why people need so many toilets' one house had five and yet the bedrooms were too small to have a bed and a wardrobe.

Strawberrycreamsundae Sat 19-Oct-19 10:37:00

She sounds exactly like my mother OP, even down to the doctor comment.
I live in a red brick semi, very happily with lovely neighbours, but she has never visited in 20+ years unless we collected her, because 'it looks like a council estate (it isn't but so what if it was?).
After 65+ years of never doing anything right I make my visits to my parents very brief because I am sick of it.
I wish I'd gone NC years ago.

RueCambon Sat 19-Oct-19 10:38:18

She's MY mum!!

Are you my secret sister?

My mum told me the same from 30 to 40. She's given up now. I actually told her loudly in front of sisters that if I was seeking style advice it wouldn't be from women a generation older than me, and that my own generation and the generation below me got long hair and it wasn't an issue for them, and I was hardly going to cut my hair because who ever sets out to be old.

At 46 I took a mad fit and cut my hair short and she was delighted. I'm growing it a bit longer atm though.

She thinks my daughter is fat and gives her less food than she gives my son!

You have to feel sorry for women of that generation I think, how boxed in they were. They do not even realise that they've internalised the patriarchy.

Actually, if you want to make your mum blush, just say to her ''The problem here mum, is that you've internalised the patriarchy''. My mum nearly gets sick when I say the word patriarchy!

ChocoIateandTea Sat 19-Oct-19 10:39:08

I think she just has this ‘idea’ that life is marry first then have 2 children
Wear a suit and earn lots of money
Be white and middle class

Dsis has follows these rules and that’s all good as far as dm concerned. I wish she would just disown me tbh seeing as my family doesn’t fit her ideal

ChocoIateandTea Sat 19-Oct-19 10:42:12

She has a group of friends they do all seem the same
Very concerned that things like front doors are clean and shoes always shiny too ..... being kind doesn’t seem to factor in the grand scheme of right and wrong but a grubby front door and you’re the devils relative

TottieandMarchpane Sat 19-Oct-19 10:42:25

That’s what my mother calls “doing everything RIGHT”. hmm

You could disown her.

RueCambon Sat 19-Oct-19 10:43:28

I feel like I've forgiven my mum for all of this now. She wanted better for me (than she felt she had/got) but without ever letting go of the same patriarchal mindsets that held her back. So she sees that I do what I want and that I have more freedom, and one part of her realises that I have more freedom but what she really wanted was for me to be conventionally successful as a woman confined by the patriarchy which is a tightrope. why anybody would wish that on their daughter is a mystery. I want my dd to feel what she does, to marry or not to marry that it's her choice. My mum bullied me in to being a secretary which isn't even a 'thing' anymore. They should have let me follow my own meandering path of self-discovery. I was never lazy. Always had a job, even if it was shock in a shop. So, I know I would have climbed some greasy pole somewhere on my own terms but no, was hauled out of shop and made to do a secretarial course !

ChocoIateandTea Sat 19-Oct-19 10:45:40

Yes my mum chose my college courses for me too! I had to do a levels as the beauty therapy course was ‘too common’
I did a year and dropped out I hated it

RueCambon Sat 19-Oct-19 10:48:11

@ChocoIateandTea I'd turn it round. Tell her you're worried about her.
Give her a book called ''what really matters'' and put your head to one side and say ''are you ok?''.

This crap is normal but she will keep it up forever if she doesn't get that no, she alone doesn't get to define normal or right or abnormal and wrong.

What would your mother think of this, I went and stayed in a hotel on my own. I had a few days free and I stayed in a hotel. My mother said about five times ''but you'd be on your own'' like only couples can go to a hotel! Like what. Not sure. I'm still having the experience even if there's nobody with me to see it. She didn't get it at all. Had to say to her in the end ''maybe I'm braver than you?'' and she didn't like that.

It has been hard work getting my mother to stop viewing me as awkward and sensitive. (sensitive because I put forward another way of looking at things)

ChocoIateandTea Sat 19-Oct-19 10:50:10

It’s a shame in a way for her as she’s missing out on knowing some lovely people dh included as they don’t fit her model of perfection

gubbsywubbsy Sat 19-Oct-19 10:50:26

Fucks sake .. do people really still think like this !!!... who gives a shit .. I couldn't have a mother like that in my life !

Trills Sat 19-Oct-19 10:50:54


I hope you don't mean an OPEN shirt... Just one with no tie?

BarbaraofSeville Sat 19-Oct-19 10:51:55

Your DM is not as middle class as she thinks. An obsession with the state of the front door is as working class as they come.

TottieandMarchpane Sat 19-Oct-19 10:53:07

It’s typical “married up” stuff.

Slappadabass Sat 19-Oct-19 10:53:10

I'd start calling the cheeky cow Hyacinth, to her face grin

RueCambon Sat 19-Oct-19 10:53:41

@ChocoIateandTea oh nip it in the bud!

You're only 37 and I never really stepped out of the roles my mother cast for us until about 44 blush Embarrassed of this now.
Up till that point, the template of The Right Way was set by my Mum.

Things are a little different now. She finally understands that pleasing her or her generation is not a huge motivation for me. She's also struggled not to say more when I say to my DD have another plate of chips if you want? I don't want my DD to struggle with her weight but realistically if she's going to eat a bit too much she's going to carry the extra weight but that's not something that's carved in stone for every. At any point my DD could just think, right, fitness kick! Making her feel shit for not being pencil slim is just a crap plan. But one that my mum would like to implement! I shut my mum right down. I know my DD is not pencil slim but she's hardly fat either and if she wants another slice of cake I say just let her fucking have it.
None of us contractually obliged to be thin.

ChocoIateandTea Sat 19-Oct-19 10:55:57

Slimness is an issue for my dm too. I’m not big a size 10 but a curvy 10
Dsis is a 6-8 i was told I’ve got a leg on each corner’!!! That I should aim to be ‘more like dsis she is a thoroughbred’ ffs !!!

goldplatedtoilet Sat 19-Oct-19 10:57:56

Over 30's need to have their hair cut short.

Well that's me fucked then because I am not only over 30 but I have waist length hair. And I look god awful with short hair as well.

What a shame the car has broken down AND you've lost your phone AND the broadband isn't working on Xmas Eve so you cant tell anyone that you cant xmas visit this year.

notso Sat 19-Oct-19 10:58:04


What like this? How very professional!

ChocoIateandTea Sat 19-Oct-19 11:01:34

I admit it did make me grow my hair when she said that it’s really long now !

ChocoIateandTea Sat 19-Oct-19 11:03:18

RueCambron it’s not good she’s saying that to your dd at all
What is the obsession with being slim why does it matter is it a generation thing ?

DragonontheWagon Sat 19-Oct-19 11:07:45

Yikes, she sounds a delight!

My husband is a high earner but he goes to work in chinos and the same uniform shirt that the manual workers wear but he's not a manual worker. He just can't be bothered to choose and iron shirt in the morning so he wears a uniform top.

I'm in my 50's with long hair and wear the same stuff as younger people wear and I have zero intention of whacking out a nice knee length skirt and blouse ever unless it's look that's more on trend. I'll wear a polo neck with skinny jeans and a pair of leopard print boots to rock my inner Bet Lynch until the day I die probably.

TreestumpsAndTrampolines Sat 19-Oct-19 11:12:23

Oh God - none of these are indicators - DP and I both earn well, we rent (have done for years - sometimes, shock horror, the house had a macerator toilet - although I lived in fear of the kids putting something down it they shouldn't)

I've had jobs where I wore suits, and jobs where I didn't, and jobs where I wore a uniform - and all in the same career. Just like DP. I found that actually it's the lower/middle management that were most strict on what I wore - when I was staff, or senior management I had much more flexibility.

Although personally I prefer a uniform - or at least a work polo or something so I don't have to think in the mornings. When I had to be smart I bought the same shirt in 6 colours, and two suits exactly the same, and just wore them on rotation!

katycb Sat 19-Oct-19 11:21:55

It's ok my Gran still says that we didn't have a proper wedding (civil ceremony)!

RebootYourEngine Sat 19-Oct-19 11:28:56

I know that it is easy for me to say as I am not in your situation but I would have to laugh at her. Or feel a bit sorry for her as she must have had a very sad life.

I would rather be poor and with a partner who loves me and doesn't mistreat me and makes me happy than with someone just for money that is going to make me unhappy. All for the status.

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