Actually, Detroit isn't the worst winter driving city


Editor’s note: I meant to publish this quite awhile ago but didn’t get around to it. I’m aware that it’s springtime now.

Today I am overflowing with joy because it snowed hard last night and I had access to a 2015 Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution Final Edition. The big, wide boulevards were empty. There was a base layer of ice, with wet snow on top. There were no cops around.

I had Michelin snow tires, a stick, 291 hp and all-wheel drive. By the standards of the traction-control era, that’s nothing. But it’s enough to go gas, torque steer, rear end, countersteer. There was even a real handbrake that worked to turn the car.

Anyway, ripping around the empty roads in the fresh snow and thinking "Man, this is everything that's good about driving a car," I remembered that someone took the time to write a column about how Detroit is the worst city for winter driving. Like, a month ago. And I’m still thinking about it.

And before that, the same guy wrote this Tom Friedman/Bourbon Bastard thing where “I learned some immutable truths about a place I used to live within 50 miles of by going to two damn bars during the big damn car show and also I am a bastard so some drink kinds are too fancy for me to like” thing. Back then, I wanted to comment on it but didn’t because the author is supposed to be a nice guy and I’m sure he became a well-known, well-respected and well-liked auto writer for a reason. And because he was obviously trolling.

But, in the Evo, sideways and grinning, I kept thinking about the story about which city is the worst winter driving city that was written, edited and published in a city that instituted a travel ban because of an admittedly bad snowstorm.

I’m still thinking about it.

Stories like these tend to be the result of a “study” that some PR firm concocted to get the name of a windshield wiper manufacturer mentioned on a car blog. This one isn’t. It’s just a weird potshot at Detroit. The kind that had their heyday in the early aughts.

If I were forced to concoct such a story (like, if someone was threatening to make me ride a stinky underground train for a month), I’d start by making a list of cities that would be in the running for Worst Winter Driving City.

First, I’d remove the cities that DON’T BAN DRIVING WHEN IT SNOWS. Then, I’d immediately remove cities from the list that weren’t openly hostile to drivers and cars. I’d then strike cities with big, unclogged boulevards from the list. Then I’d nix the cities with light traffic enforcement (you don’t want some cop bugging you while you’re trying to whip shitties.) To narrow it down further, I’d start considering the relative ease of owning a car in each of the remaining cities on the list: Is there free/cheap parking, can you rent or -- gasp -- own storage/parking space affordably?

Anyway, if you hadn’t guessed, Detroit wouldn’t be on my list of cities where it’s especially bad to drive in the winter, even if there were an opportunity to recycle some really cool jokes I heard at a suburban country club in the 1980s.

I’m not going to say that Detroit is the best winter driving city. That would be stupid. In fact, there are some bad things about driving in Detroit.

1. I have seen drivers do things in metro Detroit -- some incredibly stupid, dangerous things. I have referred to some of these people as America’s Worst Drivers.

2. The condition of the roads is very bad. There are potholes, sinkholes and broken water mains. As you may have heard, Detroit has had some financial issues.

3. Salt is also bad, and it’s smart to wash it off of your car. If you can own a car -- which is a thing a lot of people can do here, in Detroit.

4. Insurance is expensive and people still steal things.

I would never say that New York City is the worst winter driving city. That would be stupid. I like New York; I still like going to Brooklyn. There is probably some joy to be had driving there in the winter. Alex Roy certainly seems to be having fun. And, though The Drive, and anyone else can say whatever they want, as a reader, I’m hereby registering my preference for new, less-tired Detroit jokes.

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