Top Gear (2002) s19e03 Episode Script

Wembley to Milan

Top Gear S19E03 Wembley to Milan Corrections & sync: Wally73.
Tonight, I stop for petrol, Richard wears some sunglasses, and James sees some shirts.
Good evening.
Thank you so much, everybody.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Now, we begin with this.
It is the Toyota GT 86, a car which has stirred the soul and indeed the trousers of every petrolhead in the land.
But, unfortunately, to explain why I need to be a little bit boring.
What we have here is a front-wheel drive car going around Chicago Corner in an exuberant manner.
If we slow the film down, you can see the front wheels are fully turned, but the car is ploughing straight on.
This is called understeer.
Now, here we have another car coming around the same corner in the same exuberant fashion.
However, because this one is rear-wheel drive, the back end is sliding out of line.
This is called oversteer.
Now, for reasons that are extremely difficult to explain to normal human beings, petrolheads prefer oversteer.
We like the front end to grip and the rear to be all loose and that means we prefer rear-wheel drive.
But rear-drive cars - Jags, BMWs, Porsches, Mercs - are complicated to make and that means they tend to be expensive.
That brings me back to the new GT 86 - a rear-wheel drive car that costs just Â£25,000.
Whoo! Ha-ha! It gets better.
The engine is a flat-four boxer unit so the pistons go like that and that means it can be mounted low down and that means a low centre of gravity.
And there's no turbo charger so there's no lag.
Everything about the GT 86 is immediate and brilliant.
And I haven't got to the best bit yet.
To make sure that its tail is as waggly as possible they use exactly the same sort of skinny little tyres they use on a Prius.
And what it means is the petrolhead can enjoy some tail-out action at low, non-frightening speeds.
Look, here we are, 30 miles an hour, well within the speed limit, and the tail's gone! You might think it's daft fitting deliberately ungrippy tyres on a car.
You might think that you'd inevitably crash, but would you? Well, let's find out.
How hard is it to slide this thing at 80 miles per hour the wrong way round the Hammerhead? Not hard.
You could drift this car while reading a book.
So I did.
"Some regard non-echoic irony" "as being produced by semantic reversal.
" Interesting point.
Because of the thin tyres, it's obvious the GT 86 was not designed to set new lap records at the Nurburgring.
And with a 197 horsepower, two-litre engine, it won't win many drag races either.
What it will do, though, is put a massive smile on the face of every motoring enthusiast in the world.
It isn't even stupid.
It comes with easy finance and a five-year warranty and cruise control and Bluetooth and air-conditioning come as standard.
There's a boot too, which is big enough for things and in the back, a couple of seats.
There are, however, a couple of problems.
One, it doesn't look particularly interesting and two, it has a deadly rival.
Welcome, everyone, to the Subaru BRZ.
Like the Toyota, it has rear drive.
And a low-mounted two-litre boxer engine.
Like the Toyota, it'll go from 0-60 in 7.
7 seconds and onwards to a top speed of 137.
And the similarities go further than that.
Both cost the same.
They're even built by the same people in the same factory.
You might imagine, then, that it's quite hard to choose between them, but, actually, it isn't.
Watch, because this is how you do it.
Eeeny meeny miny moe Catch a teacher by his toe.
When he squeals let him go Eeeny meeny miny moe.
Toyota it is.
A-ha, now we must find out how fast the winner of our eeny-meeny-miny-moe test goes round our track and that, of course, means handing it over to our tame racing driver.
Some say that, following the vote on gay marriage, he's got engaged to James May's lawn mower.
And that he's become convinced this week that Henry IV is buried under the Follow Through?! All we know is he's called The Stig! And he's off.
Skinny Prius tyres scrambling for grip on the damp track could make for some big slides.
Let's be finding out here on the first corner.
He's keeping it remarkably tidy so far.
That is a bit of a surprise.
Stig still obsessed with national anthems.
No need to tell you where that's from and no surprise the GT 86 did go a bit sideways around Chicago.
Right, Hammerhead now.
ABS pulsing hard under braking.
Suspect it might oversteer here.
Yes, there it is.
It is very, very tail happy when it's greasy.
Bet Stig's smiling, though.
From far and wide, Canada Now, will we see a small brown Richard III from the Follow Through? I think we might.
Looking a little bit out of shape there.
OK, now we just have two corners left.
Here we are, little bit of opposite lock going in there to keep it all tidy and now Gambon.
Here he comes and - guess what? - he's sideways again, but across the line.
It did it in one minute, 11.
I made that up.
It was a little bit slower.
It was a lot, lot slower actually.
But, once again, we must turn to the baby Jesus who once said, "He who shall be last, shall be sideways and smiling.
" And now it is time for the news and the news is Subaru has announced that there will be a new Impreza, but that it won't be coming to Britain.
I'm sorry, what? Yes, there is a new one but we're not going to have it in Britain.
They're not going to sell it.
The Yob-mobile is not going to be sold in Britain? That is so.
But how will our studio audience get here every week? I've no idea.
I'm not joking.
Every single week our car park is 75% Subaru Imprezas.
Don't worry about our car park.
What's going to happen to Wales because, once again, those of us who choose to live in the countryside are not just ignored but abused, it would seem deliberately, and I've had enough, seriously - the end of the Impreza.
I mean, they've taken our libraries, they've taken our post offices, they've taken our bus services and they can never take our freedom.
It must stop.
Crikey! Hammond's gone mad.
It's the end.
You say that, Hammond, and indeed they have because they're only going to concentrate now on the Forester and the Legacy Outback.
And the BLZ that I was just talking about in my film.
Well, technically, yes.
Sorry, lads, I don't care.
You're rambling on about cars that don't matter.
Wait, what do you mean "technically, yes" on the BLZ? The thing is they did a deal with Toyota when they did their joint venture thing.
And the arrangement was, for every ten Subarus that are sold, they can sell 90 of the Toyotas.
So you can order a Subaru and have it some time in the future, or you can have a Toyota this afternoon, sir.
You're kidding? But either way, you can't have an Impreza.
That's the key issue here.
You may as well just get rid of the countryside.
All right, all right, Hammond.
That's incredible.
I thought it was all about the ban on fox hunting.
It is a good question, though.
What are yobbos going to drive? I don't know.
Well, if you are a yobbo and you have a suggestion, write it down on a note, attach it to brick and throw it through our window at 201, Wood Lane, London, W, wherever we are, 12.
What? You like a Camaro, don't you? Yes, I do.
OK, well, they've made one just for you.
Here it is.
There you go.
Funny! Ignore the little one, that's a Hot Wheels one.
What they've done is a full size Hot Wheels model of the Camaro.
So they've made a full size version of a model which is a miniature version of a full size car? Yes, I can't understand the logic myself but that's what they've done.
That's a brilliant idea.
Is it? That will survive an 800mph impact with a giant skirting board and come out completely unscathed.
The worst thing about Hot Wheels is when you get up in the night for a pee and you tread on one.
Or Lego.
Or an upturned plug.
No, Lego's worse.
Why? Because an upturned plug is big.
Lego hides in the carpets.
You can't see it.
Is there anything worse than an upturned plug for treading on in the middle of the night? A land mine.
A tiger? Your house, James I know something worse.
Dog BLEEP? I was about to say It's the, "-splat!" If you have a lot of dogs, it can happen.
You have horses in your house.
I did.
On occasion, yes, it has happened.
Have you ever trodden in some horse manure? Possibly, unbeknownst to me.
I just had a warm foot.
Anyway, if you want a full size model of a toy car, it's basically a Camaro with Hot Wheels written on it, it's Â£40,000.
But it will be worth more if you keep it in the box.
Ooh, now, business news.
Important business news.
Classic car values have been shooting through the roof in recent years and months and I think I know why.
If you put your life savings in a bank, what is it nowadays, half a percent interest? So if you put Â£25,000 life savings in the bank you get It is about 125 quid a year back in interest.
Now, if you'd have bought ten years ago an E-Type Jag for Â£25,000, it would now be worth Â£80,000.
Â£80,000, and you'd have had an E-Type to drive around in, cos you can't drive around in a bank statement.
Makes perfect sense.
And there's no tax presumably on the profit on a car? No, there isn't.
On a car, you can sell it and not pay any tax on it.
But there's quite a lot of cars doing that.
Ferrari 275 GTS.
If you bought one of those ten years ago, Â£130,000, now half a million in ten years.
I know.
It's staggering how cars have gone up.
The difficult thing is knowing what to pick next, spotting what's going to do that.
Talk to me.
Really? So, Jeremy, what's going to be? I once bought a BMW three-litre CSL for Â£3,000.
They're now worth 40, 50? Easily.
How much did you sell yours for? I am the man you turn to.
Come on, your top tip.
Subaru Impreza probably! We ought to take this quite seriously because we could actually dispense sound financial advice.
A car I've noticed has gone up a lot in recent years is the Rolls Royce Corniche.
Yeah, like the one you've got, James.
How much is it worth now, James? About a million pounds.
Is it? That's nothing compared to the Mercedes 600 Grosser.
Such as the one you've got, Jeremy.
Â£1 billion.
Really? A billion pounds? It's now a billion to buy one of those.
If anybody's interested, give me a shout after the show.
You know the old Maserati Quattroporte? We all agreed on this actually.
It was one of the most want-one cars.
You just got in and wanted one of these.
Fantastic thing.
For me, though, the only problem with it was, I thought its headlights were a bit too small.
They were out of proportion.
There's a new Quattroporte been announced.
Here it is.
I think it's got the same problem.
It's got piggy little eyes.
It looks like Ray Mears.
A bit fat and lives on squirrels.
Do you know the best thing about Ray Mears? You know he always wears those very tight shorts? Well, when he bends down to whittle something, you can always see a testes.
That is the best thing about Ray Mears? Not the best thing.
The occasional glimpse of chicken skin outside of his shorts? No, you know what I mean.
No, I don't.
Don't bend down, Ray.
No, there it is! One of the boys has popped out.
Anyway, if you do want a Maserati, there's a V6 turbo which is Â£80,000 and a V8 turbo which is Â£108,000.
I did want one quite a lot.
You have now ruined it.
And that's the end of the news.
Now, over the years, we've had many big races across Europe and in every single one of them, the car, driven by me, has always beaten public transport.
However, since the last race, public transport has got a lot faster so the producers thought it would be a good idea for us to have another.
Yes, and they announced that they had one ticket for a Champions League football match to be played between AC Milan and a Belgian team called Anderlecht down at the San Siro Stadium here near Milan.
And the first of us to get there could have it.
The start would be here at Wembley Stadium in Wembley.
As usual, James and I would be on public transport, buses, trains and tubes.
And, as usual, Jeremy would be making the 800-mile journey by car, except obviously for the Channel which he would have to cross by boat.
There was, however, one difference because the producer said to me that I couldn't just turn up at the start line as I usually do with a Â£350,000 super car made out of rhodium and myrrh.
No, they said the car he chose had to cost no more than Â£35,000.
So, just to summarise, Jeremy would be slower and we would be faster, so you can see why were feeling just a little bit confident.
To have a hope of making the kick-off in Italy, the start time was an alarming 3.
30am and, rather worryingly, at 3.
20am, Jeremy still hadn't arrived.
Right, so 35 grand.
He's not going to get that much power for that, is he? No.
What I'd do, to be honest, even though it's a bit boring, is get something like a diesel Audi, cos it will go fast enough and you'd be comfortable and you get the range.
Or a BM, yeah.
Get something reasonable.
A Volvo.
Even a Mercedes for that.
'Soon we had an answer.
' Yeah, what he's done, he's gone for a Mustang.
A Ford Mustang.
There they are.
He looks pleased with himself.
Dear, dear.
What do you think of that? Well, you do know, don't you, that just because a car has go-faster stripes on it, it doesn't actually mean it goes faster? I know.
You wouldn't go through Europe in a Stetson with chaps on, would you? He would.
So why? Come on! Because Mustangs, very good straight line quarter of a mile.
That's what they're for.
This is 800 miles across Europe.
Have you quite finished because have you seen the time? Actually that's a very good point.
I think we need to get cracking.
'And so, at precisely 3.
37am the race began!' Mustn't spin the wheels on the pitch.
Mustn't break the pitch.
Here we go again.
That's it, now we've got to play for England.
It's the wardrobe.
Look, there's Adrian Cole's shirt.
Right, 16 hours to kick-off and I've got 814 miles to go.
'For the first part of their journey, Richard and James would 'have to catch a night bus and then an overland train to St Pancreas.
'I, meanwhile, had a choice.
' So, North Circular M25, or straight through London? straight through London.
Wake a few people up in Sheffield, in fact.
I'd like a single to Hendon overland.
First Class, that must be upstairs at the front.
Is it? I don't know.
I haven't been on a night bus since the late '80s, but when I did, it wasn't like this.
I was envisaging a sea of sick, sloshing from side to side.
If you're sophisticated or intelligent, in other words, European, you might think James May has a point.
That this is a stupid car.
In fact, if you are from the land of Wordsworth and Shakespeare and Right Honourable Gentleman, you probably think the Mustang is a bit daft.
A codpiece, really, for the shorter chap.
You still have a Mustang, don't you? Yes.
Judi Dench, June Whitfield, Melvyn Bragg.
These are NOT Ford Mustang people.
Would you drive it to Milan? I wouldn't drive it to Cheltenham.
I mean, it's lovely.
I like Mustangs, but they're not fast.
You know how people who don't ride bikes think Harleys are fast, and they're not? Mmm.
It's like that.
'This particular Mustang, however, is not like that.
' In America, this car costs the equivalent of Â£35,000.
It is very cheap.
But its engine produces 662 horsepower.
That's round about 100 more than you get from a Ferrari 458 or a Mercedes SLS.
It is, in fact, the most powerful road-going V8 ever made.
'And today, I will need that power, 'because since we last did one of these pan-European races, 'the seesaw has tilted to make life harder for the car.
' You see, the train they're using to get to the Channel is 20 minutes faster than it used to be.
And to make things worse, they've stopped using the JetCat things to go across the Channel.
I have to use an old-fashioned ferry, and that's 40 minutes slower than it used to be.
So even before I get to France, I've lost an hour.
An hour ahead.
Doesn't stand a chance.
You can't make that up.
Yeah, well, you're right.
Well, unless he tries to make it up in a Mustang, round a corner.
Then he'll just be up a tree.
'It's true.
Mustangs are not good at corners.
'But that wouldn't be a problem for me on the motorway.
'What was a problem was fuel consumption.
' Since I left Wembley, I've done 12.
6 miles to the gallon.
That's not brilliant, is it? 'And nor, as it turned out, 'was the Mustang's voice activated telephone directory.
' Richard Hammond.
'For media device, say, '"User device," "USB line in," or "Bluetooth audio.
" 'For settings, say, "Phone or Voice settings.
" 'For sync services, say, "Services.
" 'If a route is active, you can say, "Next turn," "Update route," ' "Route status" ' Shut up! Look, St Pancras.
Do you want to go before we set off? Please come in.
Thank you.
This is nice! 'Or see the tips available at HE SCREAMS Please, stop talking! As we waited for the train to depart, the tension on board was electric.
It is about ten years since we did one of these races with James and me on public transport and Jeremy in a car.
A few things have changed.
Amongst them, ten years ago, my esteemed college would have managed to stay awake.
Obviously those days are gone.
It has caught up with him.
Nevertheless, the race is still going on.
And here is Jeremy.
And he appears to be in Dover.
I was indeed boarding HMS Yesterday, where I found out that not everyone shares my views on the Mustang.
So I mocked this thing all the way through London.
I mocked it, actually, all the way through my life.
But there is something about it which is, as you can see quite appealing.
People like it.
I think it appeals to our inner nine-year-old.
'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard' He's not really French.
It's just HE ADOPTS FRENCH ACCENT I find the girls respond to this accent.
It works very nicely.
'Please ensure that your luggage is' Lugg-age! Our new, faster train thundered across Kent, and was already under the Channel when HMS 1924 finally lumbered out of Dover.
Why are we going so slowly?! We used to be able to go across the Channel in 50 minutes and now it takes 90 minutes.
It doesn't make any sense! We're already steaming ahead through here somewhere, and he's just there, look.
Miles ahead.
That's incredible.
'And thanks to the speedo app on my phone, 'we could keep abreast of our immense pace.
' He's not doing that, is he? No.
'In fact, I was only doing a Victorian 23 knots.
' I'm going to ring May because, as you can see, we're nearly in France.
PHONE RINGS Here he is now.
Jeremy Clarkson.
May, yes.
'Yes, hello.
' Where are you? We are about 15 minutes outside Paris, and about 200 miles into France.
You're what? 15 minutes from Paris? Yes.
I'm not not actually in France yet.
What, you're still on the boat? This is a setback, I admit.
But enjoy your cockiness.
Well, he's had it! Right, they are now arriving in Paris.
Right, next train.
There you go.
Paris, 275km.
So they are 275km in front of me.
Do you ever get the impression you're completely wasting your day? On the plus side, Hammond and May now had to get across Paris to catch their train to Milan.
Which wouldn't be leaving for another 80 minutes.
It's one, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
'That meant I could close the gap 'and I had just the engine for the job.
' It's a big, 5.
8L, supercharged V8, but unlike most traditional American V8s, this one isn't made from melted-down box girder bridges.
It's actually quite sophisticated.
The block is made in Germany, where they know what they're doing.
It's got plasma-this and Stellite-that.
The propshaft is even made from carbon fibre.
Hopefully, then, it won't explode when I introduce it to what we Europeans call speed.
'0-60 in this car takes just 3.
7 seconds.
'And the top speed is 202.
' And I needn't worry about the police, of course, because I'm an Englishman in American car, and the French, well, they love that Anglo-US combination.
It makes them feel all warm and gooey.
Bonjour, monsieur.
Will you carry my bag for me for a bit? Er, let me think about it.
Um no.
I've got to go for a pee now.
I think that's the ladies! I don't know! It's all women in there! Go and have a look.
They always have.
It's French.
No, it's just confusing.
I'm going to hold onto it.
'At the petrol station, I discovered a problem.
' You are joking?! It's only got a 50L fuel tank? So I'm doing the maths.
Which means I'll have to stop every 140 miles.
'As the Mustang set about draining its fuel thimble, the phone rang.
' Hammond.
'Hello, how are you?' 'Are you still in Paris?' We're just setting off now, yeah.
What? We're leaving Gare de Lyon now.
And you're 100 miles ahead of me already, and you'll be increasing that lead? The thing is, mate, we've still got quite a long way to go, and I don't want to put an end to all this right now, but you have clearly had it.
PHONE HANGS UP That is really not good.
They're on the super fast train, and they're now doing Sit rep - I'm going to lose! I mean, normally, normally I win those races by minutes.
Yeah, well, seconds, actually, when we raced the Ferrari to Verbier.
No, no, you're absolutely right.
So to be an hour behind before I even got to France, the situation was pretty bleak.
But we shall find out what happens later on, because now it is time to put a star in our reasonably-priced car.
Now, my guest tonight drives a Bentley Continental.
AND a Range Rover, AND has an impenetrable accent, but isn't a footballer.
She is, in fact, an incredibly talented songsmith.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Amy Macdonald! How are you? Good, thank you.
Excellent! Look who's here! Marvellous! Now, as you say yourself, you're not really a household name, but you have had some EXTRAORDINARY success.
Yes, I like to think so.
How many albums have you sold now? We're close to about five million, I think.
Five million albums! You started when you were well, you were 15 or something, when you picked up a guitar? Yeah.
What are you now? 25.
And it's not just Britain, either, it's all across Europe.
Yes, I've been very fortunate with the support I've had in places like Germany or Switzerland or Holland.
I've been very lucky with it.
Do they understand what you're on about there? Erm, most of them understand.
I have had the odd strange comment.
One in particular was, "Now that you're successful," "will you learn to speak English properly?" And will you? LAUGHTER I still haven't! Sorry, Scotland! Couldn't help myself! Couldn't help myself! And you're a rare thing, actually.
You're a Scottish person who actually still lives in Scotland.
Is that right? Yes, I do.
You're not like Connery and all the other ones who live in the Bahamas and go, "I love Scotland!" "I love it so much, I live in Monaco.
" That was a Scottish accent, by the way.
That was terrible.
It was dreadful, I agree.
So you are really, I mean, one of the biggest petrolheads I think we've ever had on the show.
On a scale of one to ten, where would you put yourself? I don't know, I mean, I went through a phase where I was stat crazy and I knew everything.
I knew all the brake horsepower of everything that was coming out, and I just was obsessed by it.
I've just Ever since I passed my driving test, it's just been something that I've been really excited by and just exhilarated, and I love the thought of cars.
I know you had a big love affair for quite a long time, actually, with the Audi R8? Yes, I did.
That was my first true love.
Before I even passed my driving test, and when I was able to buy that car, it was just a moment of I was sitting behind the wheel, and you see the little badge that says R8, and actually had to say to myself, "No!" "No way!" Was yours a V8 or V10? I've done the V8 and then the V10, and then I done the R8 GT as well.
So I'm well-rounded on the R8! You've done a lot! Actually, the GT was quite an interesting idea for them, because it was How did they change it? I've forgotten.
They basically made it a whole lot lighter, so everything was carbon fibre.
They got rid of the glass in the windows and lowered it, so it was just quicker.
Was it more powerful? It was up to about, I think, Do you write albums thinking, "Right, if I sell a lot of these, "I can go and buy a" Yeah, definitely! You do? Yeah! This is the motivation? I live my life that way! The ultimate goal is the Bugatti Veyron, but I've got to get busy with the old songwriting before I can go there! So, OK, you did a V8, a V10, and then the GT, and then you did? What came after that? After the GT came a Ferrari 458.
And that's still with me now.
That is fan cos the 458 is Are you a big fan of that thing? I am, yes.
That was the first time that I'd ever sat in a Ferrari.
And, again, I still get that moment when I see the little prancing horse and I go, "No! Definitely not!" So you pull into a petrol station, do you get people who make observations about your car if you're in the Ferrari? Yes.
All the time.
Like, "I bet you can't get much in the back of that!" That's the usual one.
Or, "I bet that costs a pretty penny to insure!" And you just think, "Why are you saying that?!" Everywhere you go abroad, people go, "What a lovely car!" But in Britain, it's always, "My Maestro does more miles to the gallon.
" Yes, but it makes you look like a BLEEP! Yes, I've had that a few times, actually.
You even got it when you went on BBC Breakfast News.
I bet you can't remember that.
I can remember it, because you wrote a column and you were absolutely raging about it.
I couldn't believe it! OK, so Amy went on and said, "I've got a Ferrari 458.
" The first question was, "Well, how much did that cost?" The next was, "Where can you drive a car like that in Britain?" You can drive it everywhere! Everywhere you drive your pathetic little Nissan! I was PROPERLY cross! I actually said, "I'm going to get Amy on Top Gear one day" "and apologise on behalf of the BBC for its Communist tendencies.
" Thank you! LAUGHTER I'll tell you one more car I want to talk to you about, actually, which I didn't know that you'd had.
It was a Nissan GTR.
Because I've never met anybody who owned one of those.
Did you enjoy it? No.
Really? Obviously, it's super fast, but I did feel like I was driving just a big, plastic box.
Because technically, you look at all the on-paper stuff if you read the car magazines and you think, "My God, this is amazing!" But there is something missing from it, isn't there? Yeah, definitely.
And it's very quiet as well.
When I've got something super fast, I want everyone around me to know how fast it is! Did you ever use launch control on Nissan? I didn't, no.
I think it's definitely a boy racer's car, though.
What, and you're NOT a boy racer?! I'm not a boy.
So, really, I mean, I know you said that this was an ambition, then, to come down here? Yeah, totally.
Was it fun out there? It was great fun, yes.
The Stig was brilliant.
I had a good laugh and I hope I'm not too near the bottom! Well, the practices weren't completely perfect.
But they were exciting! You know when you spin off and you know you think the cameras weren't filming you? Yes, they were? Yeah, they were.
Who'd like to see some of Amy's practices? Yeah! Let's have a look.
Right, coming up to yes, the second to last corner.
Ooh, yep! Good one! That's the follow-through.
That's about 100 miles an hour and And kept it going! APPLAUSE.
That's brilliant! The only person, I think, who's ever been off there was Black Stig from years and years back.
Went off in a Vanquish.
It's about 100 miles an hour there.
Yeah, I was caning it, and then right over all of them lights.
Yeah, the landing lights did suffer quite badly, actually.
But how did you manage to run wide? Was it really greasy? I just think I wasn't paying attention at that point, and I suddenly went right off.
But I went off with style.
And you did some damage.
And I love the way you keep your foot down and keep coming back.
Yeah! So who would like to see the lap? Yes! Let's play the tape.
Here we go.
Perfect wheel spin.
Burning rubber! You do look a bit scared.
And a couple of braking points there.
And into the first corner.
Just the right amount of tyre squeal, and a perfect line.
Follow the road.
Yes, good plan! Follow it.
Get a bit in Bang on! Yep, that's looking good.
I'm coming for you, Damien Lewis.
I think I might beat you! Do you know, I think you might! He was dealing with quite a lot more snow and ice than you've got there.
That is nicely judged through there! My mum's going to have a heart attack watching this! Does she get worried? Yeah.
She does? But there's nothing to hit, except for a few landing lights and you can't even hit those any more, because they've gone.
That was very fast through there, and kept it on the island nicely.
That was, yeah, not even cut there.
No cheating.
And here we are coming up to Gambon.
Again, that is absolutely spot-on, and across the line.
So, Amy Macdonald whereabouts do you think you came? Erm, I'm hoping it's not too far near the bottom.
Somewhere in the middle, I'd be happy with.
Somewhere in the middle.
What, the sort of 147 times? Yeah.
I'd be happy with that.
Well, well! You did OK, that's good.
Not last! Wow! Point four.
No bad! So I think that is astonishingly good.
Not bad at all! Just two-tenths behind Tom Cruise! See, Stig was pushing me on and pushing me.
So he must have known that I was right near Tom Cruise.
That is an astonishing time.
And to celebrate, we've got a gift for you to go home with.
Yes, this hasn't happened since Harry Enfield came here, actually.
But we'd like to present you with the landing lights you broke.
Aw! Ladies and gentlemen, Amy MacDonald! There it is! Now, tonight we are having a race.
It's between Jeremy Clarkson in this Mustang and Richard Hammond and I on trains.
Yes, and we left the action with Jeremy here, and us two here, and going 100 miles an hour faster.
Yes, now, you don't have to be a professor of advanced mathematics to realise that, for once, Jeremy Clarkson is going to lose.
I suppose it would be cruel, wouldn't it, to pray for some kind of derailment? A minor one.
Or a strike.
The French love a strike.
We are now approaching Fontainebleau at 183 miles an hour.
There's the proof.
I suspect, even with his mighty Mustang, Jeremy isn't doing that.
'With victory for the train looking almost certain, 'we now had to tackle a thorny issue.
'There were two of us on it, and we only had one ticket to the match.
' I like big matches.
Do you? I like going to see a big match.
It's the best thing in the world to watch.
It's fantastic.
So you'd quite like to win this? Yeah.
I'll be honest, I can take it or leave it.
I'd rather leave it.
But in this one instance, I want to win more than anything else because I want to deny you and Jeremy the chance of watching it.
No of fence.
That's my thinking.
'Because I wasn't really in the race at all, 'I was getting distracted.
' This is good.
There's a control on the steering wheel that allows me to choose what dial I have in the middle of the dashboard.
So, I can have volts, or inlet temperature, air fuel ratio.
I've got 14 of those.
The problem we have here is that you and I are competing, but obviously, what we are engaged in here is a very lengthy truce.
Yeah, because there's nothing we can do now.
We are tied together until we get there and we get off the train.
But the last bit is on foot.
Now, I'm quite happy to run on television.
Are you, James? Well, this is what's bothering me.
The best I can do is come second Yes with my inability and refusal to run.
Well, you've lost.
I've currently got 11what is it? InHgs! 11 inHgs.
No, wait, 20 inHgs.
What's the point of all this? They may as well tell me the weather forecast for Adelaide! 'Then there was the radio, 'which could only receive 'frequencies ending in an odd number.
' Happily, though, the office have provided me with a talking book to keep me amused on the long journey.
"He brings his hand up to grasp my chin" "and holds me in place.
" "He wants me, and I want him.
" "He sits down on the edge of the bed.
" "'Did you undress me?' I whisper.
" "'Yes.
" Who preceded Alex Ferguson and manager of Manchester United? Kenny Dalglish.
Was it? Ron Atkinson? He's a local builder, isn't he? Didn't he play Mr Bean? "Perhaps I imagined it all.
" "I touched my lips, swollen from his kiss.
" "It definitely happened.
" In 1969, the year I was born, which legend scored what was claimed as his thousandth goal? George Best.
Pele? The miles rolled by in a relentless blizzard of fuel stops and sadomasochism.
"Before I know it, he's got both of my hands on one of his," "in a vicelike grip above my head.
" 'By mid-afternoon, I'd worked out 'why this immensely powerful car is so cheap.
' Well, it's not what you'd call lavishly equipped.
The seats, for example, adjust manually.
Then you've got the plastics, which are HYSTERICALLY terrible.
'And it simply isn't as refined or as well-engineered 'as anything made in Europe or Japan.
' But it is a likeable car.
It's a good-looking car.
The power is always intoxicating.
You'd never, ever, ever get bored with that.
'And you do get a lot of something else as well.
'This car owes its existence 'to a Texas chicken farmer called Carroll Shelby.
'He was born in 1923 with a heart condition, 'which meant he lived much of his life 'on a daily dose of nitroglycerine pills.
'That's probably why, one day, he decided to become a racing driver.
'After not quite making the grade, 'he heard that in little old England, 'a small company called AC 'was struggling to find an engine for its sports car, the Ace.
'He brokered a deal with Ford to supply big V8s.
'And what became known as the AC Cobra was born.
'The Sunday Times reported 'that a coupe version had achieved 190mph on the M1.
'And the following week, the Daily Mail said 'this had sparked fury 'with motoring organisations.
'And thanks to the Mail's campaign, 'the 70mph limit was introduced.
'In America, though, 'the Cobra cemented a partnership between Shelby and Ford.
'A partnership that spawned many great cars 'and lasted right up until May of last year, 'when at the age of 89, he died.
'Just before he passed away, though, he got to see this.
'Apparently, he liked it.
'And I like the fact that it bears his name on the back.
' I was going to say at this point, "Well, Mr Shelby, wherever you are," "my victory today, it's for you.
" But I am so far behind, I just can't bring myself to say it.
However, while I was delivering my small history lesson, Ivor the Engine had stopped.
The problem is, as we start to go into the mountains, as we make our way towards Italy, we get onto the old bit of the network.
It has to wind around a bit to go through cuttings, and that slows it down.
So we're in a very fast train on goat paths? And that's him, and he's actually moving forward in big leaps and bounds.
This thing updates itself every two and a half, three minutes, so we see Jeremy's progress as a series of jumps, and they're bigger than our jumps.
And it's costing us our lead.
It is costing our lead.
Sit rep, I've eaten my last pork pie, and I've eaten all my sausage rolls.
Richard Hammond is making contact! Hammond! 'I'm only wanting to ring' with good news for you.
Which is to say, we appear to be stuck, 'because we have mountains in our way, ' and I haven't seen more than You're only going 80? Yes.
The gap is closing right now.
'And we haven't been over about 65,' and we're slowing again.
'Our ETA is still ahead of yours.
' You've still got time to make up, but you're closing on us, and that's an unpleasant feeling.
Interesting! Right, well, thank you for that update.
Better still, because of the Alps, the train had to take a longer, southerly route, to reach Milan, whereas the road was more direct.
I was back in the race.
We are going to scythe through these mountains, you and me.
Let's do this for Carroll Shelby! Come on! Why is it only saying 68? Because we're not going that fast.
Why aren't we going that fast? Air con, low.
Speed, high.
Keep me awake! Another problem for us was that in the mountains, we seemed to be stopping at every single village.
We'd been stationary at this one for five minutes.
Cette cinq minutes c'est cinq minutes en addition de la grande totale pour la trip or, or, included dans le train.
Je crois qu'on va bientot partir? Yeah, I don't understand.
Pas tres longtemps.
Yeah, I don't understand the answer.
It's OK.
It's OK.
Let's just be calm.
There's going to be a pause now while we wait, and then we'll rocket away.
He is catching up.
I mean, look at him.
Cracking along.
Chamonix Mont Blanc.
That'll do me.
I love the signposts you get round here.
It's like I'm driving through a Robert Ludlum novel.
I'm going to see Jason Bourne going the other way, punching people in the face.
And he'll give me a thumbs up going, "Yeah, go, Mustang!" I'm getting depressed looking at it.
As we trundled through the Alps, we got a call from Carroll Clarkson.
'Hammond!' Hello, how are you doing? 'Let me put it to you this way, ' what are you drinking? Why?! Because I'm doing really well.
Mont Blanc is straight ahead of me.
You're looking at Mont Blanc? I'm looking at it.
I'm under it.
He's looking at Mont Blanc? God! He's going great guns.
It's a bit neck and neck.
Yeah, it is.
'But then, my charge was brought to an abrupt halt.
' God! Contraflow! That's not funny! I suppose they're just doing all the repairs before the skiing season starts.
Bloody skiers! Come on, French worker Johnnies! What numbers are we going to have here? Hang on, I'll tell you his speed.
I'm going to make a guess at 74 miles an hour.
I wasn't far off.
No, no, no! Not again! Please, no more contraflow! For about 10 glorious minutes, I thought I was in with a shout of winning this, but these roadworks it is just constant.
'In the Mont Blanc tunnel, I had seven miles at 40 miles an hour.
' If the Italians aren't doing roadworks to the same extent as the French, I am still in with a shout here.
'Meanwhile, far to the south' How fast are we going? Well, we've been touching 100, and we're accelerating again.
He's not going very fast.
But then, I emerged from the tunnel onto God's racetrack.
You beauty! The race was now entering its final, dramatic chapter.
James and Richard would get into Milan at 6pm.
Then they'd have to cross the city by tube and cover the last mile on foot, meaning they'd reach the finish line, a bar near the stadium, at 7pm.
All the current calculations say I'm going to arrive at 7.
14, which means I'm only 14 minutes behind them.
Come on, Mustang! You are going to beat the train.
Ha-ha! We peaked at 120 miles an hour in that last stretch.
That's a tremendous sort of speed.
We might actually just be in with a chance.
I'm 79 miles away.
I've been awake since two o'clock this morning, but I'm very, very awake now.
Very determined and awake.
PHONE RINGS 'May!' Hello, Clarkson.
We're just pulling into Milan.
I wondered what time you thought you were going to arrive.
Just curious.
I reckon I can be there in an hour.
I think we're going to be there in one hour and four minutes.
May the best man win.
It will be you or Hammond, obviously, because I can't run.
' Got to go, sorry.
' Come on, Mustang! You have been the hero of many, many films in the past.
It's now time to be the hero in another one.
'In Milan, the San Siro Stadium was coming to life.
'And on the other side of the city' Is that the right bit? Or is that it? Metro.
It must be! 'We decided to stick together 'until we dealt with all the tricky train stuff.
' It's M1.
M1 is down there.
Come on! We missed that by about Yes, seconds.
Where the hell are we? Garibaldi.
OK, three stops.
What's the name of the bar? It's the, er So it's another train, yeah? This is a change, isn't it? It's not this one.
I can still do this.
How long are we on this one? I don't know.
I'm trying to work it out.
Come on! There's Lotto.
So it's one, two, three, four, five stops.
Seven miles.
We've done 807.
Seven to go.
You're not going to run? No, I'm not.
But you are? Yes, I am.
Like a stabbed rat.
This is bad traffic! I am treading on my own tail.
That's what's happening here.
I'm caught up in match day traffic.
Is this us? No, but we're going the right way.
Two more.
That's all the Belgians coming down to watch their team get annihilated.
I'll be on your side, Belgians! If you cheer for me now.
Come on, come on, come on! Right, exit! 'Hammond and I had reached our final stop, 'which meant we were no longer a team.
' Running commences! Move it! Yes, yes, yes, yes! 'Outside the station, Hammond scampered off, 'imagining that victory was in the bag, 'But that's because he hadn't seen what was in mine.
' San Siro! OK, that's a good sign.
That'll do for me.
Audi man, move! Move! We're through! Where's the bar? Where's the bar? Dov'e' il bar? Stairs? Yeah, yeah.
Cock! Loser! HE LAUGHS.
Well done.
You look a bit tired, mate! He's not here, though, is he? No.
So, although you are a loser, you're not THE loser.
There's a word for what I am.
Yeah, smug.
'Moments later, our deluded colleague arrived.
' Right, where's the ticket? Jeremy? Ooh, he's trying this on.
He doesn't like how it fits, does he? No, no, no! RICHARD LAUGHS.
Well done, chaps.
Be magnanimous! I just was! I haven't thrown a suitcase at you, I haven't said, "Cock!" Well done.
We heard you.
Well, that's it, isn't it? My first ever loss.
You've done all right.
It's not a Stang.
It's a Mustang.
It's a Stang.
Who won, by the way? I did.
Yeah, he did.
By running.
So you're going to watch a football match? Yes.
All by yourself? Yes.
Do you fancy some nice dinner? He doesn't even like football.
Where are you? 1A.
Which is at the front, isn't it? You're actually playing in goal.
I think you ARE actually in the team.
That is the goalkeeper's position.
Is it? Yeah.
Is it complicated? Do I need gloves? No, look.
No, no.
I won't blame the tools.
But I will blame the French.
Why? Because it was the French's fault.
Those roadworks, the contraflow, went on for nearly 100km, and that is what cost me the race.
Yes, yes.
Well, enough about your embarrassing and very public failure.
The thing is, what about the car? The car.
Looks great, tons of character, goes like a train No, it doesn't.
No, it didn't.
Doesn't go like a train, no.
It goes like a British train.
But there is a problem.
Is there? No, no, really, there is.
Because the biggest advance with cars in the last 40 years is not in speed or economy or safety.
It's actually refinement.
You could drive an old Ford Escort at 70mph, but if you did, it shaked and rattled and it wore you out, yes? Now, a modern-day Ford Focus, you can drive that that at 70mph and it's like sitting in the bath.
THIS is like an old Escort.
The noise and vibration and harshness, it is exhausting! You're absolutely right.
And that is why American cars are so cheap.
This, the Viper you were driving last week, the truth is, they simply aren't as thoroughly engineered as cars from the civilised world.
They're not.
They're not.
And as a result of that, I arrived at the end of the trip and I was just a big, soggy bag of skin.
Yeah, yeah.
The thing is, though, let's not forget you lost! I did.
I did lose.
I did lose.
And as a result of that, we must finish on a rather alarming conclusion.
Because of the French, the car as a concept is finished.
And on that bombshell, it's time to end.
Thank you so much for watching.
Good night.
Corrections & sync: Wally73