JUST MY THOUGHTS: Body Positivity & Health Shaming

by - November 12, 2019

My grandma, whom I love dearly, has been doing a thing recently during our weekly visits where she points out that I'm not losing any weight. At first, it felt hurtful. Actually, I want to amend that. It's always at least a little bit hurtful because I've been so ingrained with the idea that at least part of my value as a person is based on the size of my body that those kinds of critical comments do sting, no matter how much work I've done personally to be okay with my size. The truth is that my grandma will be 90 years old this year and over the past 10 years or so has basically lost whatever internal censors she had - the ones we all have - that helped her to be tactful and I know I can't blame her for it, especially considering the generation she comes from.

Initially, I just let those comments pass, but more recently I've started saying things like, "Nope, I haven't. And it's cool because I like my body." And it's true. I like my body. And I'm allowed to like my body. In fact, I think every single one of us would benefit from genuinely and actively liking our bodies, no matter how "imperfect" they are. And strangely enough, the last time I asserted that to my grandma, she told me she thinks that's good and she was happy that I like my body - and I'm pretty sure she meant it, though her surprise at my reply was evident.

It's strange and frustrating to me that the assumption is that I, a size 18/20 woman, am expected to be trying to lose weight at all times and that if I'm not losing weight, I'm somehow failing. Because, really, when you stop and think about it, that really is the assumption that people have and it's a really shaming one. At the very least, there's the expectation that I'll express some shame-driven desire to lose weight in response to that, some kind of plan to get to work on it, whether it be a new diet or a new gym or whatever new weight loss fad is big on social media. And when you express that you're good with your body and that you're not trying to lose weight or making some big plan to focus on weightloss in the near future, there tends to be a pretty polarized response.

These days, as more and more women openly and brazen live happy, confident lives in fat bodies, there are certainly voices of encouragement and celebration, but there's always a loud and angry contingent of people waiting in the wings to be mad about it, because... "health". Health shaming is just fat shaming wearing a new hat, if you ask me, in very much the same way that the diet industry is rebranding as the "wellness industry". It's the same shit it always was, but it stopped being socially acceptable to shame people for not living up to a standard of beauty that was almost certainly at least somewhat rooted in a woman's value as the possession of a man, so they changed tactics to make a person's value be about their health.

Recently, I was lucky enough to get to see Lindy West speak here in Winnipeg and she said something that really stuck with me, that I actually spent days afterwards unpacking. In the course of her talk, it was just one small bit that probably didn't hit with a lot of people, but it was probably the most challenging and impactful part of it for me. And, admittedly, maybe I'm just behind and this is common thinking in the body positivity movement - I certainly don't claim any expertise.

It was something along the lines of, "Why is being healthy better than unhealthy?"

Ultimately, that was a pretty subversive thing to hear and it got me to thinking. It was really the first time I'd ever heard that questioned and it challenged conventional wisdom in a way that was sort of shocking for me. Certainly, I thought, being healthy is better than being unhealthy. But then I started to really unpack that and dig into the question. Don't get me wrong, I firmly believe there's tangible benefit in our lives to maintaining some level of fitness and prioritizing healthy nutrition when it comes to our quality of life and mental health, but that's not really what the conversation is about at the end of the day, because it was never really about health to begin with.

What makes people angry, as far as I can tell, is that there's this community of women who are choosing happy lives with fulfilling careers and healthy relationships without feeling ashamed of doing so in fat bodies, without existing in a rollercoaster of weight loss goals and trying to fit into the box of what a happy, fulfilled, confident woman is supposed to look like. Health is just the convenient excuse to keep making fat people feel bad about ourselves, because conventional thinking doesn't really allow for the idea that you can be both fat and happy. In fact, there's a massive, hugely profitable industry that just keeps growing that really does depend on people believing that their happiness and fulfillment is in direct correlation with their weight.

Though society has pushed this idea that people who are fat are lazy overeaters, that's just bullshit, to be frank. There are plenty of people I know that are all over the plus sized map that make much healthier nutrition and fitness choices than other people I know who fit more into the version of what healthy is supposed to look like. In fact, I think we all know people naturally slim people who eat like shit and smoke a pack a day and never exercise, but maintain a body that allows them to be free from health shaming, which I think really underscores the fact that this really isn't about health. It's about fat. And at its core, though there is an emerging industry that's intent on making men feel like shit about their bodies as well, there are distinct sexist, racist and classist roots to this way of thinking that, I think, are inescapable when you really dig into them.

I'm not really proud to say this out loud and this upcoming paragraph is one that made me feel really vulnerable to write, but for the first couple of years I was with my partner, I had a lot of insecurities in our relationship that were rooted very firmly in feeling shame about my body. I had countless moments where cruel thoughts from the back of my mind left me wondering why he, a man who is generally considered traditionally attractive, would choose me, would want me. I had insecurities when we were out together, certain that people were wondering why he was with me. I even had fears that at some point he was going to figure out that he could do better, that I should be careful trusting in his feelings for me. Now, after years, I know that he doesn't love me in spite of my body, he loves all of me, including my body, and that the whole package that makes up me is worthy of love. It was actually a fairly jarring lesson to learn and one that I really, really needed.

There tends to be this idea that someone who chooses to be with a person who doesn't fit into the fairly narrow box of conventional attractiveness either can't "do better" or has some sort of "fat fetish", both of which are pretty offensive and damaging. You never see the idea of preferring a slim or fit or hourglass body type treated as a fetish, it's simply considered normal and even expected. Attraction to people in fat bodies seems to be considered so outside of normal that it's often boiled down to being false, predatory, or just downright dirty. Oftentimes, when we see a couple where one partner fits into the conventionally attractive box and the other doesn't, an ulterior motive is assigned to that "more attractive" person, because the assumption is that they could "do better". They must be after something. I'm not saying this never happens, I hardly have that kind of blind faith in human beings, but the reality is that attraction and love don't live in one box.

I feel like most of us, at some point, have seen the supposed imperfection of a woman's body used as a weapon to hurt her. We often see women who have been victims of domestic abuse who were manipulated into staying in those situations by abusers who used their appearance as a weapon to make them feel small and manipulate them to accept unhealthy and even incredibly dangerous situations. We've also seen victims of sexual misconduct and assault who haven't been believed or who've been dismissed - even mocked - when they come forward with their stories because they're deemed not attractive enough to be victimized, compounding the trauma they've already experienced. This is a measurable cost of telling people that they're less valuable as human beings, that some arbitrary measure with absolutely no meaning and that isn't even accurate makes them less worthy than someone else. 

I came up in a time where it wasn't uncommon or unacceptable to put a pre-pubescent child on a diet, and tying the results of that diet directly to success or failure, driving home that body shame from a really young age. These days, that's considered unacceptable and more and more we're seeing a push to not shame children for their bodies and to teach healthier attitudes about nutrition and fitness. That's great, don't get me wrong, and I think we need to be mindful of teaching kids how to take care of their bodies without any shame about what their bodies actually look like. That said, I feel like there are still a lot of people who aren't practicing what they preach, staying in a cycle of dieting and hating their bodies in a way that is inevitably going to be impressed on those same children that they're trying to impact positively with different ideas. I genuinely believe that this is one of those times to really stop and think - if it's so important to teach children to love and care for their bodies regardless of their size or shape, isn't it also important to practice that love and care with our own bodies?

The truth is... Yes, I do believe that there is value in making healthy choices when it comes to our quality of life, particularly when it comes to mental health, but that value is FOR the person, not IN the person. And above and beyond that, this idea that calories in vs. calories out is the only factor in a person's weight is just factually false, but ultimately that's not the point. Healthy or not, fat or thin, those things don't define us and we shouldn't ever be shamed for being what we are. We, as human beings, are inherently valuable and all of those identifiers that people use to try and define or categorize us don't have to captain the ship of our experiences in life.

We can't control the prejudices of others, but we can try to do the work to understand that we don't have to take those on ourselves. We all just have one life and so many of us have spent so much of that life obsessing about attaining something that really shouldn't matter and that ultimately rarely adds to our happiness. Imagine how much more fulfilling life could be if we were more focused on prioritizing the things that really do matter to us as individuals, spending our time and energy on goals that will actually enrich our lives and give a sense of accomplishment that is deeply personal. Because the thing is, as much as so many of us tell ourselves that everything will be great if we just get to our goal weight, that's really rarely the case.

I'm struggling with how to end this post, so I'll just say this... Whatever body you live your life in and whatever the world tries to tell you about that body, you are valuable and you are beautiful, you are worthy of happiness, hope, social connections, and the life that will fulfill you as a human being. Living your truth and recognizing your own value - which should be equal to those who tick any and all of the privilege boxes that you may not - is probably the best way to find actual and sustained happiness - and that's one of the healthiest things there is.

Thank you so much for reading!

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