onyx (onyxangel) wrote,

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So, now where do I go?

It was pointed out to me that in my last 'in depth' post, that I was strong. Its funny, because I think at the heart of it, I've never thought of myself that way, but that's always what I've longed to be. So often in my life, I feel helpless...like its passing me by and I'm not sure how to grab ahold of it. Well, I'm still not sure in a general sense, but at least now I have the faith that I'm strong enough to, even if I do waver in that sometimes. In this situation, I'm feeling overwhelmed and helpless. I thought about things today, things that are too numerous and vague to even attempt to list here...and I discovered that this time, the question for me isn't how do I go about not feeling helpless anymore...but how do I go about getting myself to the point where I'm motivated to *do* something about that helpless feeling.
This is why I said that perhaps its not a bad idea for us both to go in for possible depression. I've never had to deal with the concept before on a personal level - at least, not to my knowlege. Perhaps its gone undiagnosed in the past simply because I didn't realize it for what it was? At any rate, that's irrelevant at this point...as I need to move forward and not worry about what I did or did not catch in the past. So, is this feeling of helplessness, and the lack of motivation to do anything about it on any concrete level depression? If so, how do I go about conquering this? I know that sometimes drugs can help, but I'd really like to avoid that if possible. Yes, I know, these are things to discuss with my doctor...but, how do I sum up all the little symptoms that seem to be pointing in that direction? And how do I keep myself from thinking that -every- instance of feeling helpless is depression? Because, logically, I don't think it is. But, then, I don't suppose depression has anything to do with logic.
So, the question I keep coming back to is...how do I use my new realized strength to get myself into a better position? Motivational wise - that needs to come first, but that's the problem. I get so overwhelmed, that I'm not motivated to do anything...and thus, I sit here on the computer, burying myself in my characters to escape. Now, I don't think everyone who roleplays is an escapist, so please don't read anything into that....I think, that for the first time in a long time, I've come to recognize that's what -I'm- doing. And I need to stop. But...having this information, how do I then convert it to action?
On the note of motivation, I can say that I'm rather proud of myself. I found some, on a small scale for today, and I've managed to do a few loads of laundry, which has nearly wiped out that humongous pile we had. I'm in the process of putting it away, but thought I'd pause to note these thoughts before they faded away into oblivion. There was a corner of the bedroom that was taken up by clothes that were either going to be given away or thrown away (those that are in no condition to give away), and that's been cleared...well, put into appropriate bags at least. At any rate, the corner looks much better and its not driving me nuts anymore. That just leaves the rest of the room, heh.
I have a plan outlined for myself to gear up for this moving, and I'm hoping I'm able to stick to it. Of course, for this to be carried out, I need boxes. Some will come soon, I hope. (PS..Kyros, if you still have access to boxes through work, I'd -greatly- appreciate some!) Basically, the plan is to start with Garrett's room, which has pretty much been used for storage and go through it, packing the things we want to keep and move with us and getting rid of the stuff we don't. My goal is to have most everything packed by the time we move so I don't have to do it in a big rush like I usually do - thanks to poor planning and procrastination (a life long hurdle). Now, this all depends on when we're able to move, of course....but, I'd like to have at least some of it done. I'd also like to have the boxes neatly labled so I know where everything goes - and if it goes into storage, I'll know generally what's in it. Idealistic, I know...but if I work towards that, maybe I can accomplish some semblance of order.
So, anyway, those are my thoughts.....and now I'm off to clear the bed of clean clothes :)
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