'Love At First Sight' Never, Ever Works Out — But Here's What Does

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is love at first sight real?

Sorry to burst your bubble.

Have you ever wondered if you've possibly missed opportunities to date someone really great simply because they didn't dramatically strike your fancy at first glance? I'm here to tell you that you've probably missed out on some wonderful potential partners. And likely, plenty of great people also overlooked you!


After many years as a personal matchmaker and dating coach, I see firsthand why it's smart to look outside the arena of "It Girls" and "It Guys." 

Everyone who's dating in today's wacky world grew up with the media, and we've all been trained by decades of magazines, billboards, and screens (both, large and handheld) to go for "the Clooneys" and "the Angelinas."



But how often does someone fall in love at first sight with someone who looks like that? Oh, maybe a hundred times a day. But is love at first sight real? And does that kind of attention (and stalking) breed heart, soul, and rock solid character? Sadly, in my experience, I'd say it's rare.

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If you are waiting to fall in love with someone who grabs you visually from the get-go, you're undoubtedly missing lots and lots (and lots) of far better partners than the ones who catch your eye right away. All that attention tends to breed entitlement and narcissism, and really who needs that?

Recent research delivers a powerful message to us: that time spent together can and often does impact romantic attraction.


The findings? The peers that students considered at the beginning of the school term to have the most romantic appeal were not necessarily in the "cream" that rose to the top several months later.



With these dating tools, the question as to whether someone is a "keeper" or not is a decision made in a half a second. I do know couples who've met via Tinder and Hinge, but mostly I see a big time sucker that leaves, both, men and women feeling empty, weary, dissatisfied and still alone on Friday nights (with their device, swiping left and right).

I've had the honor and joy of working with The Matchmaking Institute, where Dr. Helen Fisher has shared so much of her wisdom. She's a biological anthropologist, a foremost expert in the Romantic Love and Attraction sciences, hired by Match.com as part of the architectural team responsible for creating Chemistry.com.


Dr. Fisher was looking closely at what she calls "slow love" — when romantic love develops for two people not at first sight, but over time.

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As we might expect, the study showed that "slow love" happens more for women than it does for men, but not nearly as dramatic a difference as we might think; 43 percent of women and 33 percent of men reported that they have developed romantic attraction for and have indeed fallen in love with someone whom they had not initially deemed attractive.

Developing a case of "the hots" over time most certainly DOES occur for today's single love seekers. In fact, it's happening more now than ever, as the age at which today's single men and women are coupling up continues to rise. And it's a good thing that romantic attraction can and does develop over time — as let's face it — for the vast majority of us, as we get older, our looks aren't as likely to turn heads.

It's a smart single person who does less swiping and suspends judgment for a while, to allow a person to fully "reveal" themselves.

What qualities and characteristics did Dr. Fisher's survey reveal that make a person ultimately attractive and appealing romantically? The inside stuff — humor, shared interests, and the art of conversation.



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Julie Ferman is a personal matchmaker, consultant, dating coach, media personality, professional speaker, a producer of dating industry conferences and events, and a blogger. She's been a guest on countless television shows including Good Morning America, The Today Show, Dr. Phil, and Fox News.