Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 80

Transcription courtesy of: Laurie Foster

Today's show is brought to you by Harry's. Please visit and use the promo code BIGGESTPROBLEM to save $5 off your first purchase.

(Biggest Problem theme riff starts)

Maddox: Welcome to the Biggest Problem in the Universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe, from Bad Spellers to Penn and Teller! (they all laugh) With over 4 million downloads, this is the only show where you decide what should (Dick sighs contentedly) or shouldn't be on the big list of problems. I'm Maddox. With me is Dick!

Dick: Hey, what's up, buddy? (grins)

Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer.

Sean: Hello!

Maddox: And in studio today is Randy, the silent observer. Thank you for joining us. Welcome back. Episode 80.

Dick: Hey! I love that bit that you do at the beginning of the episode. (grins)

Maddox: Yeah? It's fun!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: W..(stammers) I just realized, that's what spawned the whole apple debate. Not the Apple computing debate, of course.

Dick: Is you bringing it in?

Maddox: The apple fruit debate, remember? We…it was Bad Apples to Bad People. Bad People…(giggles)

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah, um…

Dick: We gotta settle that debate, too, in the bonus episode, starting…

Maddox: Yes!

Dick: December…what is the date that it's coming out?

Maddox: The first Monday of December. It's gonna be a…an early Christmas miracle.

Dick: December 7th.

Maddox: December 7th.

Dick: Yep.

Maddox: There you go. December 7th. Is Due Day.

Dick: We'll be finding out once and for all…

Sean: Wasn't that Pearl Harbor? Isn't that Pearl Harbor Day?

Dick: December 7th?

Maddox: Is it December 7th!? Did I accidentally make a Pearl Harbor reference? (chortles)

Sean: Well, don't do it again.

Maddox: Oh, it is the 7…yeah, I think it is December 7th! It's Pearl Harbor Day!

Dick: Huh.

Maddox: That's the day our episode is coming out. Guys…

Dick: Great.

Maddox: Thank you for supporting the show. (giggles) Go…go listen to the bonus episode. Download it. Support it. We're…

Dick: (interjects) We're gonna be celebrating it by eating Fuji apples and comparing…

Maddox: (interjects) We're going to finally..

Dick: …them to Red Delicious apples.

Maddox: We're going to finally settle that debate.

Dick: Yep.

Maddox: So, Dick…just…

Dick: You've had a big week! (Maddox laughs) I wanna get to the exciting news first!

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: But let's go…let's rush through who got more votes, or whatever it is…

Maddox: Oh, that'll derail us. I gotta get…I gotta get this out at the top of the show. 'Cause we already talked about Penn and Tell…I mentioned Penn and Teller at the top of the show.

Dick: Let's breeze right through the Islam.

Maddox: Ohoho…(laughing)

Dick: We don't… no one cares about Islam! It's not even worth talking about! (Maddox still laughing) Who cares? Who cares.

Maddox: Well. Yeah! It's simple. It…that's how every pundit should settle every Islam conversation.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Um…who…who cares. Right? No, uh…not even four, five hours ago…

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: I posted my Penn and Teller video.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: Okay? I'd been teasing it for…

Dick: (interjects) Dating. We're recording on Friday! Dating the show.

Maddox: Yeah. So…uh, I recorded this…this Penn and Teller episode, and finally released it, and I'd been kinda teasing it for a LONG time…

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: And people had been asking me…almost every week, I got an email from somebody asking me to talk about that.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: What my experience was on that show, 'cause it got…

Dick: (interjects) Overwhelming response.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: They thought it was an uncharacteristic portrayal of me on Penn and Teller, and it was, so…I made this video and I released it! And…lo and behold, not even…I would say, what, 30, 40 minutes after I released the video…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Already got a response from Mr. Penn Jillette himself.

Dick: Ohohohoho!!! (laughs)

Maddox: (laughing) Yeah!!

Dick: Like a big 'old fat trout!

(Sound effect: Ding!)

Dick: Biting on that line, right?! Reel that bitch in!! (Maddox chuckles) Reel that libertarian bitch in!

(Sound effect: Applause)

Maddox: He's lost weight. He's lost weight, actually. Yeah.

Dick: Oh, what did he have? Gastric bypass?

Maddox: No, he just…he…

Dick: (interjects) Did he shit out a prostitute that accidentally got caught…(Maddox cracks up) in his…one of his cheap, shitty magician suits?

Maddox: You're gonna feel like an asshole! (Dick and Sean laugh) No, he did…he did lose weight.

Dick: (interjects) Somebody sawed his ass in half during the show?

Maddox: No!! (they all laugh) Just by dieting. Hey, gu…let's give him a chance. So, Penn…so somebody tweeted to Penn Jillette. Shortly after I posted the…the new video. An article. And I go into a lot of depth and detail about how one of the producers from the show hit me up afterwards and wanted me to promote his book, which is…very similar to mine, actually.

Dick: Ugh, shameless!

Maddox: Yeah, very shameless.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And I…I kind of explained how a lot of companies and production companies in Hollywood come out to people on the Internet who have huge Internet followings and they think that, you know, we're gonna cowtow and beg and grovel to be on their TV show, 'cause it's Big Hollywood, right?

Dick: 'Cause everyone wants to be on TV!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Right? Yeah.

Maddox: Why not? For free. Of course. It's unpaid, by the way.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Nobody pays anyone anything, except for the volunteers they had on the show. Anyways.

Dick: No, that was shocking to me as well, after I was on Dr. Phil and Tyra, like, telling everybody that they don't pay you anything..

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: …is shocking to people.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: But they…they don't. 'Cause…

Maddox: (interjects) The…the…yeah.

Dick: …the world is full of whores who just want to be on TV for attention.

Maddox: Well, they're also…they're also very, very greedy people, I think. Uh, they have the budget. They're making millions and millions of dollars. They don't pay you even a pittance.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: They don't pay you anything. Not even twenty bucks for gas.

Dick: Not even a gift bag.

Maddox: Not even a gift bag!

Dick: Not even, like, s…like, here's some toilet paper. Thanks for making our program.

Maddox: When you and I had our YouTube show…the live show?

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: For YouTube. We had a gift bag for all our guests, didn't we?

Dick: Yes!!

Maddox: With whiskey, Star Wars toys, a blanket…

Dick: Did we have whiskey? Star Wars toys?

Maddox: We had, like…it was awesome.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: It was a really good gift bag. We are very classy gentlemen.

Dick: We almost gave the audience, even, t-shirts! Free t-shirts! But then you forgot them. (Sean laughs)

Maddox: Oh, yeah…(laughing)

Dick: So even…in all…in every case, everyone got something.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. That's true. That's true. Uh, but, uh…I did not get a parting gift for being on Penn and Teller.

Dick: Oh, man. (scoffs)

Maddox: I got a parting…misquotation out of context. That's wh…(laughs)

Dick: They didn't even give you lube. For how bad they fucked you on that episode.

Maddox: So, yeah. I…I posted that…

Dick: (interjects) That was bad.

Maddox: It was bad.

Dick: It was bad.

Maddox: And I posted a lot of hate mail on my website, too. You should check out the article. I finally posted…I think three or four new pieces of hate mail.

Dick: I read it on the way over. I liked that "puke" guy.

Maddox: Yeah. He's great, right?

Dick: Yeah. Mhmm.

Maddox: It made me happy…genuinely happy reading that.

Dick: He was proud of getting more pussy than you.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: At 55 years old. Buddy…if you're 55 and you're bragging about getting pussy, you got a problem.

Maddox: Yeah. And also…

Dick: You gotta grow up.

Maddox: And also, your problem isn't too much pussy, 'cause you're probably not getting any. (Dick giggles)

Dick: Well…

Maddox: You're fif…well.

Dick: You're not…but wh…what are you getting, right?

Maddox: N…not much.

Dick: Like, you're hitting up the 65-year-olds? You swinging by the geriatric home in…in your…in your, uh…Buick LeSabre…(Maddox giggles) and cruising for GMILFS, there?

Sean: Picking them up in the pharmacy line.

Dick: Yeah, right?!

Maddox: Yeah. (grins) You know what he is getting!? Big, red, shiny bumps on his penis. 'Cause old people get a higher rate of STDs than any other rate of population, except for young teenagers.

Dick: Let's not talk about STDs. Come on.

Sean: Ever since Viagra, right? (Maddox and Dick giggle)

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: It's…yeah. Viagra has actually spawned a huge bump in that.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: A huge bump in their bumps on their junks. Um…so anyway, I got this guy. His name is Lord Matthew on Twitter. He tweeted my link at Penn Jillette.

Dick: Oh, great. (happy)

Maddox: And he says, "Penn Jillette, you're about to get one million tweets to this link." And he quotes my website.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: He says, "I'm a big fan of Penn and Maddox, so I hope you make up." And then Penn Jillette replies, about 15 minutes later. He says, "It was 1 minute on a very, very old show." (Dick scoffs) "Sorry, I just don't remember. I'm sure he's a great guy."

Dick: Ohohohohoho!! (laughing) Oh!!

Maddox: Uh, yeah.

Dick: Savage!

Maddox: Little…little dismissive.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Uh, and I wasn't sure…you can't really get tone online, right? Uh, so Lord Matthew replies to him and says…he says, "@pennjilette, yeah. I was a big fan of you both when I saw that episode, and knew something was up, as it didn't reflect @maddoxrules as I knew it at all."

maddoxrules as I knew it at all."an of you both when I saw that episode, and knew something was up, as it didn'net who have hug Dick: Mmm.

Maddox: So he…he knew something was up. And then Penn Jillette replied, and he says, "Yep. Probably our fault on everything. Just don't remember."

Dick: What?!

Maddox: Uh-huh. He say…he…he's almost, like, taking responsibility for whatever they may have done on the show.

Sean: I think he was just, like, "Hey, stop Tweeting at me."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah, that's what it sounds like. That sounds like a complete mea culpa, right?

Sean: Yeah, my fault, yeah. (casual) My fault. Go away.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. Kind of. And then…and then loafofbread13 tweets at Penn. He says…

Dick: (interjects) Love the names.

Maddox: "I really hope a full-blown video war breaks out between Maddox and Penn Jillette. It would be hilarious." And then Penn Jillette replies to him and says, "I'm a peacenik. He wins."

Dick: Yeah. How interesting.

Maddox: Yeeeeeah.

Dick: For a guy who made a career on all those eight years of making people look like complete assholes.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: To take that position…I…

Maddox: (interjects) I…I think..

Dick: I do not respect.

Maddox: I think he is, though. Because, uh…one of my friends said they went to his show recently, and he said it was an okay show, but the highlight of it for him wasn't the show itself. He wasn't…he was a little underwhelmed by the magic, but afterwards, he said that Penn and Teller both took the time to meet and greet every single person who came to the show.

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: They stood in line, and…

Dick: That's cool.

Maddox: And at least shook everyone's hand and said, "Thank you for coming", that sort of thing. I think that is really nice. Very classy. So I…I replied.

Dick: You know what I bet it was?

Maddox: Hmm.

Dick: I bet it was that…that fucking quiet one. That was really running the scene on that show.

Maddox: Teller.

Dick: Yeah, Teller was probably like, "We gotta fuck this guy, Maddox."

Maddox: He's the…(giggles)

Dick: "I'm jealous of him because I am also bald and that guy looks better than me."

Maddox: Yeah…fuck you. He is the Dick Cheney of the Penn and Teller group. (Sean laughs)

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: The Dick Cheney to Penn Jillette's George W. Bush. Um, then I replied. I said, "You know what? That's…that seems kind of a little conciliatory."

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: So I replied…to Penn Jillette. I replied on Twitter. I said, "You guys, Penn Jillette has responded. Takes the classy route. Pretty cool. Penn Jillette, I owe you an autograph." (Maddox and Dick laugh)

Dick: That's funny.

Maddox: And then…and then someone else tweeted to Penn and said…his name's Mush Raytare. He says,"@pennjillette, shame that on your show years ago, you tried to make @maddoxrules a fool." Maddox Rules, my Twitter handle. He says, "Maybe you should apologize. Best page in the universe." And then Penn Jillette replies to him and says, "I'm sorry."

Dick: Oh, great. (Sean giggles)

(Sound effect: Ding!)

Maddox: Yeaaaaah!!!

(Sound effect: Applause)

Dick: Go vote down insincere apologies!!

Maddox: Noooooooo!!! That sounded sincere. (Dick cracks up, Maddox laughs) He apologized!

Dick: Oh, good, you got it.

Maddox: Takes a big man!

Dick: You got it.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Yeah…(skeptical)

Maddox: Great! I'm h appy.

Dick: He's a big man.

Maddox: Yeah. (laughs) You guys, last week…

(Sound effect. Drumroll)

Dick: Not as big as he used to be.

Maddox: The biggest problem in the universe from last week was, "Not all Blank Kneejerks". Which I still don't know what the fuck it is.

Dick: Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!

Maddox: And then followed by Zealots. Which again affirms my sincere belief that you guys are idiots.

Dick: Ugh.

Maddox: Huge, horse-faced morons who eat dog food.

Sean: You know what? You're right. Probably our fault.

Dick: Whose fault? (Randy giggles)

Maddox: What do you mean?

Sean: I'm just doin' a Penn. You know? (giggles)

Dick: Oh, yeah, you're right.

Sean; Just…go away.

Dick: That's what we're all gonna do.

Maddox: Ohhhhhhh.

Dick: Just apologize from now on. You're right. You're right.

Maddox: Okay, I see.

Dick: You're right, Maddox. You got us.

Maddox: Yeah. You know…you know…

Dick: (interjects) You don't think I made any good points with the "Not all Kneejerk" thing?

Sean: Randy got it!

Maddox: Honestly…honestly, Dick, I wasn't even sure what you were trying to argue. I really wa…because you realize that the "Not all Kneejerk" people that you were complaining about…

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: The people who are saying "Not All Muslims", etc, etc. They're not doing it…

Dick: (interjects) Not all Cops. Not All Men.

Maddox: They're not…right. They're not proactive. They're responding to people who are being bigoted. Like, that's…

Dick: (interjects) Nah, I think they're being proactive.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: I think they're…somebody…somebody defined it in the comments as Virtue Signaling. A process of just, like, looking like you're virtuous and wanting to get affirmation for looking like you're virtuous.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Uh…I think…I think that's what it's about. I think it's partly that and I think it's partly about being, like, regressively left.

Maddox: Well…the…the problem is, Dick. If it weren't the case that a Mosque was set on fire over the weekend.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And a Muslim woman was beat, uh…in front of her child…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: While she was picking him up for school, and a taxicab driver was crying in New York, because he said that everyone is afraid to get in his cab, and he's not…

Dick: He was crying? Oh, no!

Maddox: He's not a Muslim. Yeah.

Dick: Goooood.

Maddox: And if it weren't for these reprisal attacks against Sikhs….(Dick giggles, Sean cracks up) No, I know. I know.

Dick: You…ended with crying? Come on.

Maddox: Um…no. I mean, there's more. I could read the whole tweet, but it's a whole fucking page.

Dick: Did no one show these people the hashtag?

Maddox: Yeah. (annoyed)

Dick: That wo…somebody should have been…that woman should have whipped out her Twitter, and said, "Look. Look, violent attackers, it's not all Muslims!"

Maddox: Dick, you know, it's a tragedy, what happened in Paris. And the only thing that would be more tragic is more tragedy. Literally, if more people got killed in reprisal attacks because violence begets violence, hatred begets hatred, and more people are just going to…get pissed off and kill other people, because it's that same ideology. That…the belief that it's the majority of people who are…who are causing this problem, that caused ISIS to attack us because they believe…they view us as bad guys, and they don't discriminate. They don't differentiate between good and bad Westerners. They wanna kill all Westerners.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Because we are bad to them. Right? And it's that EXACT SAME ideology…

Dick: Well…I don't think they just want to kill Westerners. I think they just want their fuck-y religion to take over the world. Like, their version of it.

Maddox: Well, their version of it, yeah. Sure. Which isn't…which isn't…which isn't any kind of, like, mainstream Islamic belief at all.

Dick: Well…..(uncertain) I don't know that. The stats that I saw on, like, opinion polls, were pretty scary. For, like, how many Muslims support Sharia law. How many, like…

Maddox: (stammers) But that's different dude, that's different.

Dick: How many, like…Sharia law is REALLY bad.

Maddox: I know. But, Dick, uh…first of all. Those polls. Those opinion polls, where they're just polling people and say, "Hey, do you support Sharia law?"

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I looked into some of those questions they were asking them, and they were asking them very specific questions about different facets of Sharia law that they support, which is, uh…retribution for crime, justice. Their…their criminal justice system, etc, etc. It's not nece…it's not saying…it's not getting people…Muslim people on record as saying, "Yes, 100%, we agree with Sharia law." Like…like, most Americans are American and they're patriots, and they're nationalistic, right?

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: To some degree.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: But that doesn't mean they swallow everything their country or nation does whole.

Dick: Well, the…I mean, that's the Sharia law statistic. I don't wanna get too far into this, because I think people are kinda sick of hearing about it…uh. I will say this. For…for the "Not all Blank Kneejerks". I think they necessarily shut down a conversation that needs to happen. I think, uh…I think Islam has not gone through a reformation like Christianity did in the…I dunno, during, like, the Protestant revolution. 'Cause this happened, at one point, Christians were all killing each other. Like, Protestants and Catholics were slaughtering each other wholesale, 'cause they thought their version was the right one. It went through a reformative period. I think it would be great if we could have a conversation if…if that started happening with Islam. And I…I THINK that the people who also want that to happen…we're not doing them a service by aggressively going after any critique of Islam. Which, I think, the Internet does.

Maddox: Dick…(stammers) this isn't an academic debate that's going on about Islam and fundamentalism.

Dick: Yeah. Mhmm.

Maddox: This is…uh, here. I got a quote here, from…uh, Jaden Hastie. He says, "Fuck off, Islam!"

Dick: Well…

Maddox: He's…it's…says "It's about worshipping a 40-year-old pedo. Sorry they take religion seriously when the book allows you to justify killing people to get into heaven, it's probably a violent religion." And he has a little, uh…smiley emote. "All religion has violent acts, but most of them have let go of them."

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: "…and guess fucking what? Islam isn't one of them. Any academic that isn't biased in their thinking and they will tell you…" Oh, he said, "Ask any academic…" No. This is his grammatical mistake, here. Anyway.

Dick: You're using the wrong voice to read this, though. (Sean laughs)

Maddox: Oh, that's true.

Dick: I don't know when you were talking and when the fan's talking.

Maddox: That's 'cause I gotta…I gotta lose more teeth for this one.

Dick: Awww.

Maddox: Um, says…(laughing) "They'll tell you all the nasty shit Islam causes. Religion is the biggest problem in the universe." (switches to his goofy voice halfway through) There it is a little bit at the end. Um…(stammers)

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: You know, I kept asking this question. I came up with a new…

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: …rhetorical device.

Dick: Oh, no.

Maddox: Or, new rhetorical category, okay? This is what I just realized.

Dick: You know it's good when it's said slowly.

Maddox: No…

Sean: Look at how proud of himself he is already.

Dick: I know. (cackles)

Maddox: I'm so happy. I'm so happy. Okay?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Here it is. It's called…The Coward's Dilemma.

(Sound effect: Ding!)

Maddox: Okay? Coward's Dilemma. (Sean giggles)

Dick: You came up with this?

Maddox: I came up with this. This is my own.

Dick: Oh, wow.

Maddox: My very own. So, you have all these people who are afraid of Islam. They are Islamophobic. They're afraid that Islam will cause terrorism. They're afraid of accepting Syrian refugees into America, etc, etc. Right? They're…Islamophobic. And they're saying, "Well, let's have this…

Dick: (interjects) You think you c…

Maddox: …discussion. Hold on, lemme finish this.

Dick: Yeah, okay.

Maddox: They're saying, "Let's have this discussion." Right? Let's just have a conversation, 'cause your guys are saying we can't even talk about it. So they…pussyfoot around the actual solution, which is…you gotta get rid of Islam. They'll pussyfoot around it

Dick: Wait a minute, wait…

Maddox: (interjects) And when you p…when you pin…lemme finish this.

Dick: Oh yeah, okay.

Maddox: When you try to pin them on it, and say, "Well, what do you suggest? Do you suggest a big book burning? Should we just ban Islam? Or should we just cause a genocide?" Because that's essentially what you guys are…are getting at. If you find that Islam is the cause of terrorism, and Islam is the cause of violence, even though countries like Morocco with 99.9% Muslims, no terrorism there! Even though…with 32 million people! No terrorism!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: But let's ignore the facts. Let's just say that you find that evidence.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: What's the solution? And then the Coward's Dilemma comes in. They're too cowardly, right? They're afraid of Islam, and they're also afraid of the solution. What are you…what's the solution? That's the Cow…that's the coward's dilemma.

Dick: I think it…I've noticed this in your thinking. I think it frightens you to talk about something when there is no easy solution. Like, criticizing Islam and finding that there's major problems with it…and that they force people under penalty of death to join the religion, in, like, areas that are heavily influenced by radical Islam, or even not-so-radical Islam, but slightly-radical Islam? I think…you're very concerned about what the solution is, when we should put a lot more time into discussing the problem. Like, there's not an easy solution to a lot of a things. And this is…one of them.

Maddox: I don't believe the people…I think that everybody who is saying this right now. M…the majority of them, on Twitter, and on Facebook, and on forums on the Internet, are disingenuous, because they're not…interested in an actual solution. They're interested in bigotry and pointing fingers. Because if you're interested in a solution, why don't you take the Quran challenge? There's this website, it's called the Quran challenge.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: They said "If you think that the Quran is a violent text and it incites violence, then read it." Why don't you fucking read it?

Dick: (interjects) Yeah, but there's…

Maddox: (interjects) That's the way…if you wanna have that conversation, Dick, you can't just, like, sit down…that's slacktivism. If you're just sitting on Facebook, "Well, let's have a conversation…"

Dick: Ugh, man. (sighs)

Sean: But you can't control how people interpret scripture.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Well, that's true, Sean, and there's the rub!

Dick: There are definitely violent passages in the Quran, though.

Maddox: But, but, Dick…

Dick: (interjects) Like, that's…that's the whole point of Sharia law.

Maddox: (interjects) Again, again…(sighs, frustrated)

Dick: Like, you're killed for leaving it. That's, like, expressly stated.

Maddox: Yeah, but it's not actually practiced. It's not…like, in the…in the Bible. In the Old Testament, they have all SORTS of crazy shit! Eye for an eye…

Dick: (interjects) See, but this is the reformation thing that you're missing!

Maddox: Hold on. Don't interrupt. It's eye for an eye…

Dick: (interjects) Oh, don't interrupt! Like, what? You just gonna talk more about your coward's dilemma? This is the reformation that I was talking about! They got rid of the old stuff and modernized! Religions have to modernize.

Maddox: Okay, but not everybody agrees with that, shithead! And that's the fucking…that's what I'm talking about! There are Christian extremists who are exactly the same as Muslim extremists! And they don't represent Christians any more than the Muslims represent Muslims!

Dick: Yeah, well…they're not committing a shitload of terrorist attacks. They're not growing by the day. They don't control millions of dollars in oil.

Maddox: You don't hear about them, because we ha…we are getting our news from Western media. If you spend time in China…you hop on Google News in China, and guess what? It's all gonna be Chinese news outlets.

Dick: Mmmm.

Maddox: And if you spend time in …in the Middle East, it's all gonna be Middle Eastern news outlets from Middle Eastern journalists who have that point of view. That perspective, from where they live.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: We are…we have a filter on us. When I went to Mexico, I talked to some of the Mexican guys down there, and I said, "You guys ever want to come to America?" They said, "Hell, no."

Dick: Please. Latin Americans. Mexicans. That's offensive.

Maddox: They…

Dick: I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Maddox: Oh, okay.

Dick: I'm trying to make this funny!!

Maddox: So they said…they said they didn't want to come to America, because all they hear about in their news is gang violence and drugs…and uh…militarized police. They're afraid of America, because that's all their news…reports.

Sean: Well, that sounds exactly like Mexico!! (Dick laughs)

Maddox: Exactly!!

Sean: With the cartels and the militarized police?!

Dick: Yeah, but…

Maddox: There you go, Sean!!

Sean: And the bribing of judges…wait. Do you think…do you think our…(Dick guffaws)

Dick: I can't even…what are you TALKING about?!? (yells) Mexico does not think America is worse off than Mexico!!

Maddox: Of course they do!!!

Dick: Mexico has gangs in charge!!!

Maddox: An article just came out that said for the first time in forty years…(Dick still giggling) that Mexican immigration has reversed! More Mexicans are leaving America, for the first time in forty years! Yes, it's a fact!! Look it up!!

Dick: We gotta get that wall up to keep 'em in here so we can keep all the cheap labor!

Maddox: Ohhhhh. We're gonna talk about that, buddy. (Dick guffaws)

Sean: I saw that article, though.

Dick: Yeah?

Sean: I saw that.

Maddox: Hey, before we go on, though. I wanna tell everyone, go vote up Emojis, because Oxford Dictionary's word of the year this year?

Dick: Oh, I saw that.

Maddox: Was a pictograph. It's the face with tears joy emoji.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Fucking…I…I called it! Right? We're regressing our language into hieroglyphs.

Dick: Yeah. Picture's worth a thousand words, man.

Maddox: Ugh.

Dick: You can say a lot with that little guy. (Sean giggles) He's so happy! What are you gonna say?!

Sean: It's really efficient. You should love that.

Dick: Yeah. You should love it!

Maddox: How do you…

Dick: (interjects) Is there…is there an emoji for "you're a bigot"? You'd love that one. (Sean cackles)

Maddox: Yeah, it's a little Dick Masterson face.

Dick: Oh, cool. (Sean and Maddox laughs) $5.99 on iTunes.

Maddox: Uh, no. You can't sort emojis. You can't alphabetize them. You can't do…all you can do is stare at a big matrix of emojis.

Sean: It's coming.

Maddox: What?

Sean: In the Oculus Rift. (Dick cracks up)

Maddox: Oh, Sean. You may have me on that, actually.

Dick: Oh, my God!

Maddox: Because with the Oculus Rift, you can select things with a glance. With your vision. Anyway.

Dick: Uh, you wanna hear some voice mails? I got…oh, by the way!!! (grins) I was…I was verbally assaulted by Marc Maron on Twitter, also.

Maddox: Were you really?!

Dick: I had a…oh, did I tell you about this?!

Maddox: Oh, let's hear it! I saw that you were inciting some shit.

Dick: I didn't tell you about this.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Okay, excuse…inciting some shit?! I was minding my own business!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I was minding my own business on Twitter! I simply posted on Twitter, um…"We got new fanart." 'Cause we get amazing fanart all the time.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Because I think our fans are the most talented fans of any podcast.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: That exists. On the Internet. Including some people who I will not name. Uh, Marc Maron. (grins) So I simply tweeted, "We've got new fanart. Does Marc Maron even have fanart?" Valid question. Me just being inquisitive.

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: Who cares. Exclamation point. Right?!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah. Uh…no big deal. Just me minding my own business. Like 10 minutes later, I get…I get from Marc Maron…"Have lots." Oooooh. Attacking me!!! (Sean cracks up) Attacking me out of nowhere!! (Maddox laughs) Out of nowhere! Out of nowhere! A bigshot celebrity attacking me!! Can you believe that?!

Maddox: Huh.

Dick: Totally unprovoked.

Maddox: Anything else? Did he…did he reply any more than that?

Dick: No, no, no.

Maddox: Hmm.

Dick: I t…I issued a challenge to see if his fanart was as brutal as ours.

Maddox: Brutal good?

Dick: Uh…

Maddox: Or brutal bad?

Dick: Brutal as…as good.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And…

Maddox: Our…our fanart is good!

Dick: And…yeah. And I linked him to several. And he did not respond, I imagine because he was so devastated.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: By seeing it.

Maddox: Yeah. He's…he's a very sensitive dude, I heard. Marc Maron. I think.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah, his, uh…

Dick: (interjects) Well, the war. The war between us and Marc Maron is at a fever pitch…(Sean giggles) And apparently with Penn Jillette as well.

Maddox: Yeah. No, Penn Jillette apologized!

Dick: Oh, yeah.

Maddox: Too bad there wasn't an emoji to connote his actual emotion. His feeling on that. Maybe it could have been a little sarcastic wink. Like, "I'm sorry, wink!"

Dick: No, it's a frowny face with a gun to its head. (Maddox and Sean laugh) There is both of those emojis. His new show is cool. "Fooled Us"? Have you seen that?

Maddox: I've seen parts of it, yeah. I…

Dick: It was pretty cool.

Maddox: If I was more into magic I would…I guess I would watch that show, but uh…yeah.

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: You know what? Penn apologized. That's cool. I actually didn't expect him to, and I didn't expect him to so quickly.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: And uh…yeah. Pretty impressed by that classy move.

Dick: Okay. Let's hear some voice mails.

(Voice mail: male voice: "Hey guys, this is Aaron from New York, calling in to be the voice of reason since Dick and Sean seem to be taking a day off."

Dick: Uh-oh.

"Maddox. Comparing video games to Islam is such a faulty analogy. I'm disappointed Dick was too fucking braindead to not let you know. (Dick groans) When people commit mass shootings, they don't scream Donkey Kong's name. (Sean and Dick laugh) They don't say it's the video game."

Dick: Right?!

"When these shootings happen, people say it's because of their faith and directly attribute that to their religion, which happens over and over, which it has, because, uh…(goofy voice) Look at the statistics. (Dick and Sean laugh) There is enough evidence to have a speculation about it. Dick…go fuck yourself.")

Dick: Owwwwwwh!! I thought the Donkey Kong thing was funny.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, running. DONKEY KOOOOONG!! DONKEY KONG!!!!! (laughing) Kaboom!!

Maddox: I mean, yeah. It's naïve. You don't have to always shout out the um…the edict of your belief that you necessarily think is inspiring you to shoot. Also, your…

Dick: You should, though. That would be funnier.

Maddox: But I read…I read the whole manifesto of Osama Bin Laden when he attacked us, after 9/11? And they talked about the moment that Osama Bin Laden became radicalized in Al Qaeda.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: He said he interpreted the Quran to attack innocent people, and he said it was okay. And then they issued…what…what is the…what is the Islamic decree that…

Dick: The jihad?

Maddox: No, no. It's a fatwa. Um, I believe they issued a fatwa against him, because the Muslim clerics at the time really sharply disagreed with him.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: And that's when there was a split between Al Qaeda. So they're not practicing any kind of mainstream of reasonable sect of Islam.

Dick: Mm.

Maddox: They're extremists by definition.

Dick: Okay.

(Voice mail: male voice: "Heyy, Maddox. (Maddox giggles) You kept saying that poverty causes terrorism, but not all poor people are terrorists."

Dick: That's true!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's true, not all poor people are terrorists!

Maddox: I…I acknowledged that.

"…5 billion poor people in the world, but only a few terrorists."

Maddox: Yeah. (Dick giggles)

"…so obviously something different is going on that's causing them to be terrorists."

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. (Dick giggles)

Dick: I just love his delivery.

"That's the same thing you said about violence in people who play video games. Bet you didn't think about that, did you, shitbirds?" (Sean and Dick crack up)

"Anyway…in conclusion…"

Maddox: This guy sounds so high. (giggles) (Dick cackles)

"You can suck…MY dick. Thank you.")

(Maddox belches) (Sean laughs)

Maddox: That'd be the first time that guy's dick has ever been sucked, if I sucked it? Um…yeah. I made that point on Reddit and also several other times. Guys…it's not a simple answer. It's not a simple solution to a complex problem.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: It's not just one thing. And that's why I think that people who are…and by the way, it's not like you guys are promoting any kind of novel or new suggestion…LET'S LOOK AT ISLAM. Guess what, dipshit!? There's 50 MILLION results on Google when you search for "Does Islam cause terrorism?"

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: There's academic articles. There's pundit articles. There's dipshits on forums! There's people…there's scholars who've written about it! There are people…for centuries who have been talking about this shit! You guys think you're…you're so fucking novel and clever! You're not! You're not! It's all been done! Everyone's already talked about it!

Dick: So it is part of the problem.

Maddox: It could be.

Dick: Ohoooo, okay.

Maddox: I'm not eliminating it!

Dick: We're gaining ground! We're gaining ground!

Maddox: It could be…it could be part of the problem.

Dick: Alright. I don't wanna talk about Islam ever again, until I bring it in as a problem. (Sean laughs loudly) Uh…do you wanna start the actual…do you wanna start the actual problems?

Maddox: What an asshole. (Dick cackles) Yeah, Dick!!!

Dick: Oh, I'm gonna bring in, like, the hottest, like, ex-Muslim chick to give that side of the story.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So no one can shit on her.

Maddox: Ugh. I'm sure…yeah. Well, that sounds right in line with your form of argument.

Dick: Oh, yeah!

Maddox: Yeah. Alright, guys.

Dick: British accent, too. Like, so…refined.

Maddox: Oh, I think I know who you're talking about. Alright.

Dick: No, no, no. You don't. Not her.

Maddox: Okay. I…got. I got the biggest problem in the universe, guys.

(Sound effect: Drumroll starts)

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: Biggest problem in the universe…

(Drumroll ends)

Maddox: Fucking Donald Trump.

Dick: What?!?!?!?!

Maddox: Yeah!!

Dick: WHAT?!

(Sound effect: Ding!)

Maddox: Piece of shit. Donald Trump.

(Sound effect: Applause)

Dick: That he isn't president already? Is that the problem?

Maddox: Ohhh, my gosh. Dick…

Dick: That there's only one of him, so he can't be his own vice president. That's the problem. (Sean cracks up)

Maddox: Thank God there's only one of him.

Dick: That's the problem. (grins)

Maddox: Yeah. I mean, his…his big, fat face is enough for two.

Dick: No, the problem is that Donald Trump can only be president for eight years.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's the pr…that's the problem. Vote it up.

Maddox: That's…that's the problem, yeah. (Dick giggles) Dick, he…let's start here. Let's start with the fact that he's a birther, right?

Dick: Yeah, that was funny.

Maddox: He was the most notorious, stubborn, staunch, shithead birther.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: For the longest time. Even after…so, he's the one who was spearheading the whole Obama thing, uh…for him. He said he would donate…

Dick: (interjects) Yeah, I remember!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That was great!

Maddox: Right. He said he would donate a million dollars to a charity, or something, if Obama (goofy voice) produced his birth certificate. And then Obama did. And then he poked holes in that, (goofy voice) "Oh, well it's not real. It's a forgery. Buuuuuuh."

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Donald Trump. Always. Always. That's…that's…the mind of a conspiracy theorist. Is anytime you produce evidence that counters anything that they believe…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: They don't…they don't accept that evidence.

Dick: Never accept it.

Maddox: No.

Dick: Never accept.

Maddox: No.

Dick: Only deflect and deny.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You know what I learned about…during that whole fiasco?

Maddox: What's that?

Dick: Donald Trump, using only the power of his voice…made the US president do something that he swore he would not do. That is the POWER of Donald Trump. (Sean giggles) He made the most powerful man in the world do something that he said he was not gonna do. Wow. That's good…that's good negotiation.

Maddox: Oh, cool. You can…you can get a bunch of people to do a lot of things just by using words that incite them.

Dick: Hey. Pretty powerful.

Maddox: Alright.

Dick: Powerful stuff.

Maddox: Well, Obama shut him down with not even his words, but a little piece of paper, Dick.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: He didn't even have to say anything. He just pulled it out of a filing cabinet and said, "Shut the fuck up."

Sean: Well, but…

Maddox: Here you go.

Sean: But it was the short form.

Dick: Yeah. It was the short form, man.

Maddox: Oh, my gosh, Sean. (laughing) He's a birther!

Sean: That's…no. That's what he said.

Dick: It was…yeah, it was.

Sean: That's what uh…Trump came back with.

Dick: It was the short form. (grins)

Maddox: This is from They, uh…these are some…some ridiculous things that Trump has said or believes.

Dick: Oh, great.

Maddox: Right? He thinks global warming is a sham because ice exists. (giggles) (Dick and Sean laugh)

Dick: Is…what do you mean? Did he say that? Like…what is that…what is that from? What's the quote?

Maddox: Well…(goofy Trump imitation) "This very expensive global warming bullshit has got to stop."

Dick: He said "bullshit"?

Maddox: Yeah. "Our planet is freezing, record low temps, and our global warming scientists are stuck in ice."

Dick: Well…pretty funny.

Maddox: Meanwhile…meanwhile…(Dick chuckles) headline this last week, uh…October was the hottest ever on record, in history.

Dick: You know what? Man? Higher temperatures means shorter shorts, am I right? (Sean laughs) I'm right, guys. It's Donald Trumbo Trump

Maddox: Can I…Can I just…(Dick cackles) I just need to…I just need to explain something for all the global warming deniers, 'cause there's some of them in the Comments section on our website. They're real dumb.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Uh…here's what you need to learn. 'Cause I KNOW you skipped this whole section in your mathematics class, 'kay? Local maximas and minimas, alright?

Dick: Oh, God.

Maddox: So, what that means is…sometimes graphs go up, and sometimes they go down, and sometimes they go up again. But just because it goes up and down a little bit, doesn't mean over time that it's not…aggregate going up, or aggregate going down.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: Alright? Learn the difference between local and global maximas and minimas, you fucking idiots!

Dick: Guys, just basically believe something you read, 'cause someone said it. Right?

Maddox: (goofy voice) "Well, Maddox…how…how is there global warming, 'cause it's snowing outside?"

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Like…like that dipshit senator who brought a snowball to the floor. (Dick cracks up) To disprove global warming. (laughs)

Dick: That was so awesome!!! (laughing)

Maddox: You laugh, but, like…but there's a huge…pa…contingent of people who believe these idiots!!

Dick: Yeah, I don't care. I don't give a fuck if we worry about global warming.

Maddox: Yeah? Well, maybe you'll give a fuck about this. Probably not, though.

Dick: No, why would I?

Maddox: No.

Dick: What are we, saving the whole world? We're hey…knock, knock, knock, China and Africa, fuck you. Don't industrialize. We already did it and fucked up the environment. But you guys don't. Fuck you. Now, everybody gets a mission control! So they're just gonna tell us to go fuck ourselves! And bes…you know what?! For someone who loves science so much, like, you…when I brought in superbugs, you said science will figure it out.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That was your response, right?

Maddox: Right.

Dick: And I…(stammers) I think science will figure everything out, too. I think science will…fix the stupid environment stuff, too! We just gotta get past it! We gotta power through, we gotta use up all this oil as quickly as possible! (Maddox and Sean laugh) And then we'll start fixing it! Fuck it!

Maddox: Uggggh. Oh, boy. The..the problem is, Dick…we can't even…we can't even deal with hurricanes. We can't even harness the power of hurricanes. We can't do anything about earthquakes. We can't do anything about HUGE global droughts. Like, look at all the fuckheads who've been complaining about the California drought for so long. The problem is that…that if global warming theory…if…uh, well, now it's global climate change, because there's actually also evidence that there's a global dimming effect going on.

Dick: Ohhh. Oh, boy. (sarcastic)

Maddox: This is not a new…

Dick: (interjects) How many effects are there gonna be? (grins) Global plaid effect, soon.

Maddox: This is not a new theory, it's actually from, like, the early nineties. People were talking about global dimming. There's Nova documentary. I highly recommend everyone go look at this thing, especially if you believe in global warming. If you think that, uh…the world is going to…increase in temperature? Look up this Nova documentary called "Global Dimming".

Dick: Guys. In the time…spent watching that documentary, you could jerk off twice. Vote Donald Trump. (Sean giggles)

Maddox: (sighs) He's…team Jenny McCarthy when it comes to vaccines and autism.

Dick: He's what?

Maddox: Credit where it's due. Yeah.

Dick: Say that again?

Maddox: He's…

Dick: Team?

Maddox: He's on Team Jenny McCarthy.

Dick: Oh, I don't know if that's true.

Maddox: Oh yeah? Well…he says…Trump does say that he is a total believer in children getting vaccines on a modified schedule; however…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: He also says that "massive inoculations have driven the nation's autism rate to a level that's never been."

Dick: Yeah, I don't know if he actually said that.

Maddox: He did. He's an anti-vaxxer.

Dick: Like, no. I…(stammers) he gets…like, reporters will throw a claim at him, and if he doesn't deny it, they just run with it. I would like to see the actual quote of that. 'Cause I've seen some…like, stuff he's said on Twitter regarding vaccines, and I don't think he ever actually commits to saying they cause autism. He just says, "We gotta ask questions". "We gotta see proof."

Maddox: Cow…coward's dilemma.

Sean: He did say…he did say that someone, uh…who worked for him's child…uh, was vaccinated and became autistic.

Dick: Yeah, and that happens.


Dick: Because the autism doesn't show up.

Maddox: I don't trust anything he says! He's an idiot. (Dick laughs)

Dick: I think you're just jealous of how much hair he has.

Maddox: Yeah. (irritated) (Sean laughs)

Dick: And that it's so beautiful.

Maddox: I think…I think Donald Trump is jealous of how much hair he has. He wishes it was real.

Dick: Ooooooh. Awwwwwwww, see?!

Maddox: He fancies himself…

Dick: See, now who's the conspiracy whackjob?!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That hair is real! I've seen it. I've seen it in person.

Maddox: It…it looks…

Dick: (interjects) I know a wig, alright?! (Maddox laughs) I stood…I looked that man in the eye from a foot and a half away. I can spot a wig at half a pace.

Maddox: It looks real shitty. Um…he fancies himself a savior of the poor. This is according to Rolling Stone. Trump said recently that (goofy voice) "The people that like me best are poor people and middle income people."

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: (goofy voice) "The rich people don't like me. I would save middle class." He said. "I know what to do. Our jobs are all being taken out of our country."

Dick: That's true.

Maddox: Wow, what a b…oh, really? You think it's true?

Dick: Well, yeah. Everything's manufactured in China. You don't want that manufacturing done in the United States?

Maddox: Yeah. You know w…you know who's manufacturing it in China, Dick? I got a clip here. Listen to this.

(Clip starts. "…has a line of clothing. Now, where were these made?"

Trump: "These were made…I don't know where they were made, but they were made someplace. But they're great. It's ties, shirts, cufflinks, everything."

Maddox: His own tie.

"Sold at Macy's and they're doing great."

Dick: Yeah.

"Number one selling tie anywhere in the world." Male announcer: "Number one selling tie…"

Dick: I have one!

"…anywhere in the world."

Trump: "Normally I wouldn't wear that shirt."

Male: "You wouldn't wear that shirt?"

Trump: "We also have them in white. In beautiful white."

Male: "Where are the shirts made?"

Background voice: "Bangladesh."

Male: "Bangladesh."

Trump: "Well, that's good."

Dick: Yeah.

Trump: "We employ people in Bangladesh, that's…"

Male: "Ties? Where are the ties made?"

Trump: "They have to work, too."

Male: "These are beautiful ties."

Trump: "They are great ties."

Male: "The ties are made in where, China?"

Background voice: "China."

Male: "Ties are made in China."

Dick: Mhmm.

(Audience laughs, applauds, clip ends)

Maddox: Jackass.

Dick: Ugh, it's so weird that people…that, like…a certain type of person latches onto that he manufactures his goods in China.

Maddox: (scoffs) You mean people who aren't hypocrites?

Dick: Well, you realize that he wants to change the laws so that all American companies don't do that, right?

Maddox: That all American companies…

Dick: (interjects) Like, to be competitive in the current market, he has to do that.

Maddox: Ohhhh.

Dick: And, like…who runs their business based on…like, martyring principles?

Maddox: Uh, lots of companies, Dick. And they're very profitable.

Dick: No, they're not.

Maddox: Yes, they are.

Dick: No…

Maddox: (interjects) In and Out Burgers is one of them. You c…li…when I brought in McDonald's as an example a long time ago…

Dick: Yeah…

Maddox: And they're like (goofy voice) "Well, yeah. They're using cheap ingredients 'cause they're trying to make the best profit and the best product and the best tasting, blablablabla, BULLSHIT!" In and Out Burgers, meanwhile…they make fresh products. Their burgers are fantastic. Their employees are well taken care of. They're happy to work there.

Dick: Well, they're n…they're better off.

Maddox: Yes…

Dick: They're not well taken care of.

Maddox: They are well taken care of!

Dick: No.

Maddox: They get benefits. They get…some of their managers make six figures! They get time off. They…they're happy. It's always service with a smile. (Dick grumbles) Any time I go to In and Out Burger, it's not that sl…that slumped-over tombstone of a person like at a McDonald's…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: …or Burger King. Who's just waiting to go home and jerk off and do a…(stammers) a bag of meth and forget that today ever happened.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: That's not the feeling I get when I go to In and Out. Their products are fresh. They have…yeah, maybe they're not going to be the empire that McDonald's is, but they have tight control over it, because of their principles.

Dick: But that's…that's…well. But they're a specific restaurant. Like, that…that doesn't work for McDonald's. I…I don't know! I don't wanna get into, like, the basic economics of how to run a company.

Maddox: He's just greedy!

Dick: Like, he's trying…how is it…he's making a product, and so, like, all of the things in your apartment are made in China. How is he…how is it greedy to use the manufacturing process that's available to all companies?

Maddox: Not all companies do that, though, Dick. Um…

Dick: American Apparel doesn't, for sure.

Maddox: American Apparel, right?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Right? There's a lot of American brands.

Sean: But that's deep financial shit, though. Right now.

Dick: Yeah. And that's part of their branding. Like, his branding is elegance and style and class.

Maddox: Ohoho.

Dick: Which he has loads of. (Sean giggles)

Maddox: Well, you know…(Dick cracks up) You know what? Don…you know what Donald Trump doesn't have loads of? Money.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: He's not even that rich.

Dick: He's got…he's got 8+ billion dollars.

Maddox: That's what he says.

Dick: I've seen his tax return. His tax return was in Crippled America. It was in the back.

Maddox: Ohhh…(laughing) Okay. Crippled America.

Dick: I got it Day One.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: His book's Crippling America.

Dick: Was up all night reading and masturbating to Crippled America.

Maddox: I bet. Yeah…

Dick: How rich do you think he is?

Maddox: Ehhh…everyone estimates him being about 4 billion dollars.

Dick: Oh, everyone. (grins)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Everyone except him.

Maddox: Uh…

Dick: Who would know his actual money.

Maddox: Forbes, Wall Street Journal,, and speaking of…excuse me, Forbes. This is…actually, yeah. This is according to, here. It says, "Index funds are friends, not foes." So they did a little analysis, 'kay? Donald Trump, uh…isn't a self-made man. He inherited a lot of his money.

Dick: No…

Maddox: Went bankrupt several times.

Dick: He didn't inherit his money.

Maddox: He…he got…he got, uh….

Dick: His dad gave him a million dollar loan when he started out. (Maddox scoffs)

Sean: No, no, no, no, no, no. He got…

Dick: (interjects) He didn't…

Sean: He inherited 40 million dollars in the seventies.

Dick: No.

Sean: Yes, yes, yes.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: But not before he was rich. (Maddox snorts)

Sean: No, that's well-documented. (Maddox laughs) And then when he went…

Maddox: He became rich because of it, shithead!!

Dick: No, no, no. Not before he was a…he…he got a loan of a million bucks and started building his empire, and then he got that. I think.

Sean: Okay. Yeah. It was…

Dick: (interjects) That's what I'm going with.

Maddox: Yeah, okay. He's a POOR millionaire. He's…he just got a million dollar loan. Poor guy.

Dick: Look, he had a head start, but that's…you know. That's the American Dream.

Sean: But then…yeah.

Maddox: I…that's not the American dream.

Sean: Then he got a huge chunk of change. I think they said 40, and some sources say close to 200 million.

Dick: Yeah, the American dream is you bust your ass and then you can help your kids get a leg up, and they bust their ass, then the next thing you know, one of 'em's president.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And his name's Donald Trump. (Sean laughs) That's the American dream.

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: And he has a hot-ass wife. Is that it? Are you jealous of his hot-ass wife?

Maddox: Uh, no. I think Trump is a very miserable, unhappy man. (Dick guffaws) Trump's…this is according to It says, "Trump's net worth has grown about 300% to an estimated 4 billion since 1987."

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: "According to a report by the Associated Press, the real estate mogul would have made even more money if he had just invested in index funds. The AP says that if Trump had invested in index funds in 1988, his net worth today would be as much as 13 billion dollars!"

Dick: That's not true.

Maddox: If he just…if he…(cracks up)

Dick: No, I've read…I've read what you're talking about. It's…if he didn't spend anything, and if he started with the entirety of his dad's fortune, which he didn't.

Maddox: Ech…

Dick: That's just like a dumb…like "Oh, hey, look at this!!"

Maddox: He's gotten bail…he's gotten…(laughs)

Dick: Look how stupid he is!! Like, if he'd invested in the S&P!!

Sean: No, that started since, like…uh…

Maddox: 1988.

Sean: Yeah. 1988. That's what that was…speculating that he…

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: That he'd started then.

Maddox: And he said…it says here…other billionaires net worths have beaten the stock market's growth in that time. Bill Gates, for example, saw his growth increase 7000% since 1988 to 80 billion. Warren Buffet's wealth grew 2,600% in the same period, to 67.8 billion! Trump, meanwhile, LANGUISHING with 4. Guess what? Guess what?

Dick: So, he's not rich enough to be president? Like Obama wasn't black enough to be president?!

Maddox: He…he keeps bragging. He keep bragging…(Dick and Sean giggle) that he's, like, really rich. He's not! He just…he's not that rich!

Dick: He flies around in, like, a 747 with his name on the side! What do you drive?! How many…is your name on the side of your car, or your bicycle?! No!!

Maddox: Yeah. (Sean laughs)

Dick: He's rich as shit! He is rich as shit! Are you kidding me?

Maddox: He's richer…the…(stammers) he's richer than you, but he's not rich.

Dick: Yeah!!! (laughing)

Maddox: What…what number do you think he is on the world's top 500 billionaires.

Dick: I dunno, 400?

Maddox: Heh. Almost.

Dick: 300?

Maddox: 388.

Dick: (laughing) Oh my God! My mind is blown!

Maddox: 388. He's not…he's not even in the top 100 of billionaires!!

Dick: He's not…(laughing)

Maddox: He's not that fucking rich!

Dick: Why would that matter?!

Maddox: Because he keeps bragging about it!!

Dick: He has a shitload of money, Maddox!! (yells)

Sean: Well, that's your…I think…part of your point…(trying to talk while Dick yells)

Dick: He's on the list of billionaires!

Sean: Part of your point is that his performance…

Dick: Are you kidding me?!!?

Sean: …doesn't match his mouth.

Maddox: Right, exactly, Sean. Sean understands, the voice of reason.

Dick: Wait, what performance? Sean, are you trying to stump as well?! I'll fucking rain down on you as well! (yells)

Sean: There's gonna…(Maddox laughs)

Dick: (interjects) I'll rain down stumps upon you like…like, um…what is that guy…like Johnny Appleseed tearing up the WEST!!! (yelling)

Sean: (interjects) Alright, here…here's one. You know that he was also bailed out by 70 banks, right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah! Oh, yeah.

Maddox: And he's had it…

Sean: His company…yeah. Second and third mortgages. And deferred payments, and all that.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And he's had three or four of his…his giant properties go bankrupt. He's not a good property manager. He's not a good businessman. He doesn't know shit about anything. He's very conservative in his investing. (Dick chuckles) And by the way, Dick, I'm surprised that you would be…you would be in support of a guy like Trump, because he wants to raise the tax on the rich!

Dick: No, he doesn't.

Maddox: Yes, he does!

Dick: Oh, okay. (giggles) If you think…if you think anyone wants to raise the tax on the rich, you have got…you are buying an ad that's being sold to retarded people.

Maddox: (interjects) Well, you're…

Dick: He's not raising the tax on the rich.

Maddox: Guess what, my friend. You're the retarded person, 'cause listen to this clip.

(Clip starts, Trump talking: "I would let people who pay hundreds of millions of dollars a year pay some tax, because right now they're paying very little tax, and I think it's outrageous."

Male voice: "Right, so that would affect not just hedge fund people, that would also affect people in limited real estate partnerships, of which you are in a fair number."

Trump: "I'm okay."

Dick: Yeah, that's fine.

Male voice: "So you're propos…you're proposing you'd like to raise taxes on yourself, in this instance."

Trump: "That's right. That's right. I'm okay with it.")

Maddox: Ohhh.

Dick: That's not "the rich". That's a very specific set of people.

Maddox: (laughing) Oh!! Well, just a second ago, you were like, "He's fucking rich! He's fucking rich!" and then he said he wants to raise taxes on himself and now you're like, "Well, he's not rich." Idiot!!

Dick: No, no. What he's talking about is a specific set of people. He's not talking about raising taxes on all the rich.

Maddox: Yes, he is.

Dick: No…he's not. (giggling)

Maddox: He actually said that. He said that he's not just looking to raise taxes on the very rich, hedge fund managers.

Dick: Yeah…

Maddox: He says, "including real estate managers, real estate moguls like himself".

Dick: Yeah, that's two people.

Maddox: He's not very rich.

Dick: That's two types of people.

Maddox: Yeah, the rich.

Dick: He's not looking to…(scoffs) okay. You think that's all rich? Not all rich…not all rich people made their money that way.

Maddox: But he…he's gone on the record multiple times, Dick, saying that he wants to raise the tax on the rich.

Dick: (interjects) On SOME rich!

Maddox: Why don't you just admit that you…why don't you just admit that there's something you disagree with on Trump.

Dick: Oh, there's things I disagree with, but I think you're phrasing his platform in a weird way by saying he wants to raise taxes on "the rich". Like, he wants to shut down certain tax loopholes. He wants to reappropriate corporate wealth that's overseas and charge them, like what? 15…10%? It's either 10 or…2 or 10 percent tax on it. I guess that's "taxing the rich", but I think it's a good idea.

Maddox: Great. (Dick scoffs, Sean cracks up) So you're…you're in favor…you're in favor of taxing the rich now?

Sean: Were you reading your (inaudible)?

Dick: Yeah, he's reading shit, like always.

Maddox: No!

Sean: Oh, the noise stopped. Great.

Dick: Yeah. Yeah. Okay. (grins) My turn to talk again. Go ahead. What's next…what else does Rolling Stone think about Donald Trump?

Maddox: This isn't Rolling Stone. Are YOU listening?

Dick: What's next?

Maddox: Anyway, Dick…uh, yeah. 'Cause you're…you're talking out of both sides of your mouth. I know you're against taxing the rich. He's fucking said it multiple times, and every time…look. I'm gonna give you guys a little backstory about the Biggest Problem in the Universe.

Dick: Uh-oh.

Maddox: Long time ago, when we first started recording this podcast, the first six episodes. I would always say these things on air where I would say, "Oh yeah, there was a study that found this interesting fact." Or "There's this research that found this interesting evidence that corroborates what I'm saying." And Dick's tack of debate…is to deny. When I…when I didn't have those studies. So then I thought, "Okay. I'm gonna bring in these studies." And then I…and then I…I thought…let's see him deny these, right?

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: How's he gonna deny these?! And then once I started bringing in the studies…he said, "I don't believe those studies exist." And then I started bringing in the studies, and then he changed his tack to, "Well, I don't believe the studies." Like, there's no winning with you!

Dick: Yeah, I don't believe some studies.

Maddox: Ye…I literally told you that Donald Trump has been quoted MULTIPLE times saying he wants to raise money on the rich, and now you're just talking out of both sides of your mouth! Just admit…

Dick: (interjects) Maddox, I want…I want you to listen very closely. He described two scenarios of rich people that he wants to raise taxes on.

Maddox: Not just…that's one quote, Dick. I'm saying multiple times in different quotes. Look it up.

Dick: O…if you think Donald Trump wants to raise taxes on all the rich, then why would he be running as a Republican?

Maddox: Well…

Dick: Like, his tax plan definitely cuts taxes. He's against the estate tax. His…the highest tax bracket in his plan is lower than it is right now.

Maddox: Republicans don't like him.

Dick: (scoffs) Okay.

Maddox: They…they don't.

Dick: (stammers) Was I still talking out of both sides of my mouth again?

Maddox: No, but you're denying that he said these things. Like, if you just…if you disagree with me, that's fine. But look it up! At least look it up. Don't just deny blankly.

Dick: Okay. Everyone look it up. Alright. I'm sorry.

Maddox: Alright. Here's…look. We can all laugh about Trump, right? He's kind of a joke candidate. Up until…

Dick: (interjects) Absolutely false.

Maddox: (giggles) Up until…Dick…he's run at least three times for president. I believe three times.

Dick: He's never run for president.

Maddox: Yes, he has!!

Dick: He's always talked about it.

Maddox: He…he elect…he ran, uh…he ran in the…he stumped last time.

Sean: He…he ran.

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: But he's never run this late in the game.

Maddox: No, that's true. That's true, Sean. But every time he…

Dick: (interjects) He didn't even file his…his paperwork last time, to run.

Maddox: Well, yeah.

Dick: In 2012, or whenever the last time was he talked about it.

Maddox: Because he's disingenuous. He used it as a platform to promote The Apprentice.

Dick: A brilliant business move.

Maddox: Well. Okay. 'Cause…'cause a billionaire needs to make…needs to make some chump change money on TV, right?

Dick: Ehhh, hey. A buck's a buck. (Sean giggles)

Maddox: Well, alright.

Dick: I don't know. Wha…(giggles)

Maddox: So, uh…he was in an interview with uh…60 Minutes. And he was sitting down with the guy, Bob Woodruff, I think is…is that the 60 Minutes guy?

Dick: Eh.

Maddox: And uh…and Donald Trump was getting increasingly frustrated in this interview, 'cause Woodruff wouldn't take him seriously. He's like, "Why won't you take me seriously as a candidate?" and he goes, "'Cause you're not running."

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: And he says. "Yes I am." He goes, "Trump, you said this last time, and you said it the time before. And you're saying it now."

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: "And every time, just before it comes around for the…the main, uh…the main GOP…"

Sean: The primaries?

Maddox: The ma…yeah. The primaries.

Dick: The thingie.

Maddox: He drops out.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. Every time, before the primaries, he just drops out. Like, he doe….he just…that's what he's gonna do this time, too. (Dick guffaws loudly) I don't…I don't think he's gonna run!

Dick: You wanna bet on that?! You wanna…you're…you think that Donald Trump, who's polling at, like, 36%, for four…for over four months has been in the number one spot…is going to…"drop out" by February?

Sean: I don't think he's dropping out this time.

Dick: Nooohoho!!!

Sean: Not this time!!

Maddox: Well, uh…he's a loose cannon.

Dick: Why would he do that?!

Maddox: 'Cause he's saying things like this, Dick. This is why it's no longer funny when Donald Trump…(Dick groans) Donald Trump's no longer a joke anymore. Because, uh…in Washington Post, this week…um. They said this. They said, "On the Syrian refugee issue."

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: "The Republican presidential candidates favor going further than the House bill by blocking all or some of the migrants. So far, the Paris attacked who have been identified have all been European."

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: So…all the Republicans right now are scaredy-cats, pushing these…this legislation that…you know, the coward's dilemma, where they're all Islamophobic and they're trying to prevent any kind of Syrian refugees into this country.

Dick: Yeah. Not all…I mean, there's a lot of people who do not want refugees in this country. I'm one of them. I don't want a bunch of refugees in America.

Maddox: Why?

Dick: Because…well, first of all. Not everyone in the world is entitled to be an American citizen. Um…I think they will hurt our poorest classes. We're just injecting the United States with a shitload of poor people. That fucks over American poor people.

Maddox: Yeah. You think so?

Dick: (scoffs) Well, what else is the…outcome of that?

Maddox: Well, lemme give you…

Dick: Hey, here you go, LA. Here's a shitload of new poor people. Go compete for jobs! You think…what are you…none of those people are springing up Maddox Clone websites and competing with YOU. They're competing with people who are dead broke! I don't like that. I don't like that it overburdens our Social Security systems, either.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Healthcare, and whatever.

Maddox: Well, lemme…

Dick: (interjects) I don't like it!

Maddox: Lemme tell you…lemme tell you how…another outcome from this scenario, okay?

Dick: Mmm.

Maddox: Uh…'cause my parents were Syrian immigrants to this country.

Dick: Legally?

Maddox: Yes.

Dick: Great.

Maddox: My parents were Syrian immigrants to this country. And they were poor as shit. When my dad came to this country, he was…I believe around 18 years old. He joined the US Army, worked for less than a dollar a week. He was poor as shit most of his life, and…he would work for jobs, because people discriminated against him a lot.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: Like, he would walk into places and ask for a job, and they'd say, "Go back to your country." Because he had an accent.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: He looked American. He looked white. But…he was discriminated against. So my dad, instead of working for money, worked for tools. And any place he went, he would work on auto body, he would work on trucks. He'd work…uh, welding. He'd do anything he could to make a living, and he would accept broken tools as his payment. And he would take those tools and he would fix them. And he finally got enough money to rent a shop. A garage. Which was something like…I dunno, like, 35 dollars a month to rent this garage, where he would work on people's cars. He didn't have a place to live, so he slept in that car. He worked…like that for a long time, until he finally saved up enough money to buy a truck. And then he took that truck and he started driving. He…he became a truck driver for a long time. And then he became a boxer for a little while. And then he…he saved up enough money to buy some property. And then he built a house on it. And when I say he built a house, I don't mean he hired a contractor. I don't mean he hired an architect. I mean he built it with his hands. He lived in a log cabin in the backyard of my house, that he built himself while he built the house that I grew up in. With his bare hands. He worked really fucking hard. And then he had some kids, and some of his kids have grown up to work for the government. One of my…one of my brothers is working in counterterrorism. I can't go into much detail than that. Uh…one of my other brothers is the VP of sales of one of the largest software companies in the world.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: And this very podcast you're listening to wouldn't exist if it weren't for Syrian immigrants. So I don't take it lightly when…when these Republican shitheads are sitting there, fearmongering. And I'm not saying that their concerns are completely invalid. Because, yeah, you might get some bad people coming in through those borders. Let's not discount that. But there's some good people, too. And you're turning away your backs on immigrants to this country, which, unless you're Native American, we're all immigrants to this country.

Dick: Play some applause sound effects! (Maddox giggles) Why don't you have that queued up?!

(Sound effect: Applause)

Maddox: There you go. (giggles)

Dick: Jesus Christ! Look at the personal attachment you have on this issue.

Maddox: Anyway. It…it means a lot to me, and I…I talked to some of my relatives over the weekend.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: Um, over the week. 'Cause I was gonna post this big…post about it on Facebook saying, "Hey guys, we should support the Syrian refugees." But it's a more complex issue than that.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Because even some of the Syrians I talked to, because I have relatives. I have family in Syria right now. Um…even some of my relatives I've talked to are struggling with what to do with this, because, as some Republican outlets have pointed out, rightly so, none of the Muslim countries are taking these Syrian refugees.

Dick: No! Not even the ones who are rich as fuck!

Maddox: Right. Which is really disappointing.

Dick: Yep.

Maddox: And it's disheartening. So the only argument that you can fall back on is that we are better than them.

Dick: Well…or dumber. And not negotiating and making them take them in. (Sean giggles)

Maddox: (interjects) Or…

Dick: You can make people take them…

Maddox: Braver.

Dick: I mean, look, man. Uh, that shit, to me…is, like, magical words that people wear. Like, bravery, and what was the other one you used?

Maddox: What, the cow…

Dick: Smarter?

Maddox: The Coward's….

Dick: What are we better than for these countries that are not taking in the refugees?

Maddox: Virtuous.

Dick: We're more virtuous than them?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That doesn't mean shit to me. I…I do not wanna risk it. (Maddox scoffs) I…look, I'm the bad guy. I worked at a toy store in high school, uh…during Christmas. When it was closing time on Christmas Eve, I was in charge of shutting the gate and telling people we're fucking closed, we want to go home.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Somebody's gotta do it. It's ugly and it's sad, and um…yeah. We'll probably lose good people, but I don't want 'em here.

Maddox: Yeah, well…um…your right to live here is predicated upon some immigrants coming here at some point in their lives.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: And…for you to say that you deserve it more than them simply because it's always been that way is bullshit, because none of us are Native American. None of us are…

Dick: Well…

Maddox: …have a natural right to be here.

Dick: The border crossed my people, first of all. (Maddox scoffs, Sean giggles) Mexico was minding their own fucking business and you guys drew a BIG line around us and said, "Welcome to the USA." So…if anyone's full of shit here, it's not me.

Maddox: Yeah. Um…

Dick: (interjects) It's a circumstance that has brought them to our borders, and it is a…it is one that pulls at the heartstrings, but we cannot take in…that whole tired, unwashed masses…stinky masses, whatever is on the Statue of Liberty…

Maddox: Huddled masses.

Dick: Bring us your stinky…(Sean giggles) huddled masses.

Maddox: Your tired and your poor. That's what it said.

Dick: Your tired and your poor.

Maddox: It didn't say stinky.

Dick: That ended with Social Security. Now…the wall is fucking closed now. 'Cause it costs TOO much.

Maddox: Yeah. Well, you're not factoring in the benefit to the economy that they might add.

Dick: S…all…

Maddox: (interjects) If you think that it's all…

Dick: Potential.

Maddox: Yeah. (scoffs) But everything's always potential, Dick. When you have a child…you're banking on that child's potential to grow up and become someone who's not a shithead.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Someone who's not a leisure zealot.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: If you guys remember from last week. People who are zealots about leisure, who don't do anything?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: They're drains on the economy.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I can point…I can tell you right now, just on my Facebook friends list…like, on my top 10 Facebook friends list. Like…five or six people are not contributing jack shit to the economy.

Dick: That's it?

Maddox: Well, on my top 10 list.

Dick: Don't you know a lot of improv people?

Maddox: Yeah. (cracks up)

Dick: What the hell are they contributing? That's…your dad…

Maddox: Exactly.

Dick: Your dad lived the American dream. You come here, bust your ass…your son does improve. (Randy, Dick and Sean crack up)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I'm being serious!

Maddox: Um, so here's where it gets dangerous with Donald Trump, kay?

Dick: Oh, I forgot we were talking about Donald Trump.

Maddox: Over the weekend, Donald Trump…excuse me…oh, yeah. He said…he suggested closing down Mosques and increasing surveillance of Muslims. He said in an interview with Yahoo News published online Thursday that "We're going to have to do certain things that were frankly unthinkable a year ago."

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: "When pressed on whether such measures might include tracking Muslim Americans in a database or noting their religious affiliations on identification cards, Trump said…'We're going to have to.' 'We're gonna have to look at a lot of things very closely.' 'We're going to have to look at the Mosques. We're going to have to look very, very carefully.' Later Thursday, Trump told NBC News that he would certainly and absolutely create a database of Muslims in the United States."

Dick: Uh, I don't think he said that again.

Maddox: Dick!!!

Dick: I think that's a…no…

Maddox: (stammers, yelling) That's what I said earlier!!

Dick: No, 'cause I read this story. I read this story. And it's the reporters saying that and him talking to them while he's signing his books. Like, he's not saying…go ahead. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Say whatever you want about him.

Maddox: You just deny, dude. Like, look. Verify…here's what I want you to do.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: Do me a favor. If you disagree with what this news is saying, then prove it, 'kay? 'Cause I don't care about whether…what you think he actually said.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Because this is quoted two different sources! Yahoo News and NBC News!

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: Two different sources said that he said this. You think that they're just spinning what he said here?!

Dick: I think even in the context of you…of what you READ, it doesn't make sense.

Sean: Well, and he can always sue for libel, right?

Maddox: Of course he can!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And…and…Sean, if it was just one outlet, like Yahoo News saying this, that's fine, but it's…NBC News as well. They quoted him as saying this. I'm sure I can get a sound byte of it too…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: … if I look hard enough. And then…(stammers) but it's not even uncommon, what he's saying. This is the Republican…this is from, uh…Washington Post. They're saying…about the Republican frontrunners, right?

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: They said, "One of the frontrunners of the Republican presidential race said Thursday he would absolutely want a database of Muslims." Oh, they're talking about Trump here. "And, uh..special ID cards noting their religion." So that's three sources now, Washington Post…

Dick: (interjects) Wait, you're saying that Donald Trump wants ID cards…

Maddox: For Muslims.

Dick: …For Muslims?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I have a really hard time believing that. I guess I gotta look it up, but…

Maddox: (interjects) Another…

Dick: If you can find a verbatim quote of him saying…

Sean : (interjects) Can you see the question coming next? If they have to identify themselves with ID cards?

Maddox: What's that?

Sean: Who's gonna compare them to Nazi Germany?

Maddox: Exactly.

Dick: Oh no, they already did!

Sean: I was gonna…okay.

Dick: They said, "How is that…" in this interview…in this interview of a reporter talking to him while he was signing books, they said, "How is that different than Nazi Germany?" and he said. "You tell me." And then went back to signing books.

Maddox: Yeah. He did say that.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: "Another top candidate likened Syrian refugees, who are largely Muslim, to dogs. 'Some of them might be rabid', he said, which was a reason to keep them all out." That was Ben Carson, I believe.

Dick: Trump said that?

Maddox: No, Carson said that.

Dick: Oh, well…

Maddox: I believe Carson said that.

Dick: …Carson said a lot of weird stuff.

Maddox: "…and a third stood up in the Senate on Thursday and called for banning refugees from five Middle Eastern countries." He was explicit that the point was to keep Muslim refugees out while letting Christians from the same places in."

Dick: Well, that's rough.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's a rough deal.

Maddox: It's really rough.

Dick: Um, you know. What can you say?

Maddox: It's a tough, complex situation, but where Trump stops being a joke and starts being a risk…

Dick: (interjects) I will…I will say that…

Maddox: …is when he starts saying shit like this.

Dick: Well…yeah, okay.

Maddox: I…here's a direct quote from Donald Trump. He says, "There should be a lot of systems beyond databases. I mean, we should have a lot of systems."

Dick: Yeah. Like, that's…that's not bigoted and…

Maddox: (interjects) You're not for a Muslim database.

Dick: Whoa, wait a minute. There are databases on everyone.

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: What…what do you mean, a MUSLIM database? Like…this is when things get fuck-y, because you hear that phrase and you automa…YOU have an idea in your head what that is. But what does it mean? Like, there is a database that has everything on everyone. It's called a census. They come and they ask you everything that you do. Do you mean some kind of, like, weird, uh…McCarthy-esque list of people that get harassed? Because there's…there already are no-fly lists that are databases on people.

Maddox: Right, right. But that's based on intelligence. I'm talking about a total government national registry with names, social security numbers, date of birth, fam…familial affiliations, addresses…of Muslims.

Dick: Of Muslims ONLY?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I thought that database already exists.

Maddox: Well…

Dick: Like, remember, you're talking to somebody who doesn't want public roads! (Sean giggles) I want everybody driving through people's yards!

Maddox: (sighs) Gah…(Sean laughs) Right.

Dick: Like, this is…(stammers) I think you're describing something that already exists.

Maddox: I d…I mean, what are you basing that on?

Dick: The DMV.

Maddox: No, that's not a list of Muslims.

Dick: So this would be another one that is specifically for Muslims? That sounds retarded.

Maddox: Specifically for Muslims.

Dick: Like, I…

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: Well, but the implication is that it's sinister.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: That they're surveilling the people.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah, I don't…of course I don't…

Maddox: (interjects) Well, he said…he said that. He wants mosques surveiled. Which, if you…as…(stammers) in our intelligence community, I think there probably are a lot of mosques anyway, if they feel like, that there is a national security risk. If they find that some of the people they're snooping on are going to mosques, then they're probably going to survey those mosques.

Dick: Of course. That's why it's weird to bring up, 'cause it sounds like that's something that already exists. Like…(stammers) according to a lot of these research, er, these survey points I read, it was, like, a 40% of Br…young British Muslims, like, think Sharia law should replace the national law, and they should have separate courts. Like, yeah, you're gonna get looked into. If you…if your..if your mosque…if stuff like that's getting said at your mosque, uhhhhhhh. That's..the way it works. That's the way intelligence works.

Maddox: Yeah…(uncertain) um….

Dick: I want them to get a warrant. I want everybody who is American to be entitled to due process. But they're gonna get investigated.

Maddox: Yeah. That's not the same as a national registry of Muslims. It sou…it harkens back to…the Nazi era, where Hitler started making a database of Jews, and it is VERY, very similar to that. And I…I know it's tired and played-out to bring up the Hitler argument and the Hitler comparison, but this is literally Hitler stuff. It's…just making a big list of people based on their religion. Which, by the way, I have another video coming out…(giggles)

Dick: Mmm.

Maddox: About, umm…ummm, grocery store coupon cards. And I talk about how there is a list like this, not very specific, it's just…it's just by region. It's not even close. But there's a list like this for Jews. Uh…in America.

Dick: It's called The Hollywood Reporter. (Maddox and Sean crack up) Right, Randy?! Right?! Right?! (Maddox sighs)

(Sound effect: Ding!)

(Dick chuckles)

Maddox: Yeah. Um…

Sean: Oh, industry jokes. (Dick giggles)

Maddox: Yeah, no. There's a list like this for Jews and it's done by region, but, uh…

Dick: (interjects) This actually exists?

Maddox: It's not so spec…it exists. And, uh…I (stammers) I talk about it…I'll talk about this a little bit more some other time, but uhh…yeah. It's used more for holidays, so that telemarketers know when to and when not to call a specific region.

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: During a specific holiday.

Dick: That's for your convenience.

Maddox: Well, sure.

Dick: That's nice of them.

Maddox: I mean, it's for your convenience now, but what if…what if an anti-Semitic hacker found that list?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Right?

Dick: Yeah. That would be…that would be bad.

Maddox: That would be pretty bad.

Dick: Would an anti-Semitic hacker need that list to tell? Like, couldn't he just, like…(Sean giggles) do a search by, like, Stein?

Maddox: Oh, boy. Okay.

Dick: Or something? (giggles) In the phone book? I mean, right? Or Zweig?

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: There you go.

Maddox: Yeah. Anyway, man. Donald Trump. That's my problem. Vote it up. Donald Trump's a piece of shit.

Dick: That's it?!

(Sound effect: 'Wrong' buzzer)

Maddox: Donald Trump. Fuck Donald Trump. Yeah, that's it. What's your…

Dick: (interjects) I think you just want somebody who…I think you just want a bald guy in the Oval Office. You can't…you want, like, a Bernie Sanders, or, like, a Hilary Clinton. You want a bald man in the White House.

Maddox: I can't imagine any bald president, other than Patrick Stewart. (stammers) Although, a few people suggested…I did a Periscope the other night while I was taking a shit, and someone suggested I shave my head…with Harry's razors. (giggles)

Dick: Today's show is brought to you by Harry's. (Maddox still giggling) Please visit and use the promo code BIGGESTPROBLEM to save $5 off your first purchase. Hey, when did shaving become so expensive?

Maddox: I think…always, it's been pretty expensive, right? (giggles)

Dick: Yeah, I went to…I went to Ralph's the other day to fill up, and it cost me $700 to get…(snickers) (Maddox and Sean crack up) With Harry's, why pay $32 for an eight-pack of blades when it's half the price at Harry's. Go to and you get five bucks off if you type in our promo code. Uh…Harry's is less than two years old and is already disrupting the shaving industry. That's true. I see them all over the place online.

Maddox: Yeah, Harry's really made ripples in the shaving industry. Everyone's taken notice. Uh…even…even, uh…we won't mention any competitors, but…

Dick: No, fuck the competitors.

Maddox: All the competitors. No. I'm not…'cause there are no competitors! It's all Harry's. Which, by the way, they sent…uh, they sent me a new shaving kit!

Dick: Oh, they did?!

Maddox: It's fanta…yeah. Did you see it?!

Dick: I think we're supposed to talk about that next time.

Maddox: Ohhhh, okay.

Dick: It's like their holiday kit.

Maddox: Alright. Well, we'll talk about that during the…(giggles) during the next episode.

Dick: Although, it is Christmas. It's been Christmas for three weeks, already. Or four weeks by the time this airs. It's half the price of the other big blades. They ship for free to your front door. Who wants to go to the store? You gotta put pants on. They might have piss driblets all over them.

Maddox: Ugh.

Dick: Stay home, order from bed. Order from your computer. The starter set is an amazing deal. You get a razor, moisturizing shaving cream, and three razor blades. How about that deal?

Maddox: Those blades are fantastic, guys. Thank you for supporting the show, it really means a lot. And thank you Harry's, for supporting us!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Uh, Harry's really likes us. I think our fans…our fans have responded more to Harry's than any other…I think any other podcast that they've had. I'm gonna go on the record as saying that. With ab…with absolutely zero verification.

Dick: Yeah. Way more than Marc Maron's podcast!!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You think anyone's buying Harry's razors because of Marc Maron? I dunno. They probably…I dunno if they're a sponsor for Marc Maron. I'd better shut up. (Maddox and Sean laugh) Um, alright. My problem…um. My problem is having to shit after you get out of the shower.

Maddox: Oh…(giggles) (Sean groans) (Sean and Randy laugh)

Dick: That is…man!

Maddox: Ugh.

Dick: That is the…I had a big problem, but we are…(cracks up)

Sean: You should just go back to bed at that point. (Dick cackles) Just call it a day.

Dick: Right?! It's the worst!! Like, what did I…(yells)

Maddox: I like it.

Dick: I went through all this trouble!! You like…

Maddox: I like it!

Dick: You like when you have to shit when you get OUT of the shower? First of all, your butthole's all rubbery.

Maddox: (interjects) That's…

Dick: It feels weird coming out. (Sean giggles)

Maddox: That's what I like about it!

Dick: It's weird coming out. I don't wanna think about my asshole and the sensations in my asshole that much, right?! You like that feeling?!

Maddox: Well, I like it because when I get out of the shower, my butt's gonna be wet for about 35 to 40 minutes afterwards, right? My butthole, is like, a little moist. And then when I…

Dick: (interjects) I'm gon…wait, I'm sorry. 40 minutes?

Maddox: About 40…

Dick: Your asshole is moist for 40 minutes after the shower?!

Maddox: I dunno. I don't check. I don't…I don't go down there!! (laughs)

Dick: Yeah, but you pulled a number off of your head pretty quickly!

Maddox: Well, based on the…

Sean: You might want to check for toxic mold. (Dick cackles)

Maddox: Shut the fuck up, Sean!

Dick: Black mold! (Background laughter) (Maddox cracks up) Black mold coming out of there…it's a biohazard.

Maddox: Please. It's African American mold. (they laugh) So, I…(laughs) I…I take a shit and here's how I know that it's wet that long.

Sean: (in background) Oh, Jesus.

Maddox: Because when I take the…when I take the dump, it…it comes out smoothly! It's great! It's like…it's, uh…I don't wanna use the word "lube", but it's lube for your poop.

Dick: You can use lube.

Maddox: It's poop lube.

Dick: What?

Sean: This is WAY more gross than the time you talked about shitting in the pile of leaves as an 8-year-old.

Maddox: Do you wanna hear the details, Sean?

Dick: It's gross? You gonna throw up again?

Maddox: I'll make you throw up!

Sean: No! S…stop. (Maddox cackles)

Dick: Look. It's a…it's a huge problem. You've gotta shower all over again. Right?! Do you go…do you commit to showering all over again? Because it's like, "Well you know what? It's still wet in there. Um…I…I had a fresh shower here. What am I, walking around all day with a poopy butthole?"

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I don't think so. I'm right here. I'm gonna jump back into the shower. I gotta take two showers outta this shit. And then…(stammers) the second shower is never as fulfilling. Like, you feel like half of you is one shower behind! It's unsettling. It's an unsettling way to start the day.

Maddox: Yeah…

Dick: AND you're all wet, so you're getting poop driblets all over in your underpants if you decide NOT to take the second shower, right?!

Maddox: Y…

Dick: Ohohoh!!!

Maddox: You know, Dick…I'll….(Dick and Maddox crack up)

Sean: That's why you should just strap on your dad's underwear and call it a day.

Maddox: Yeaaah. (laughing) Like it…like it's ever mattered to you, Dick. You've shit your pants more than any…almost more than anyone I know.

Dick: I don't…I don't enjoy doing…(Sean laughs) I enjoy doing it on my terms!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I shit my pants on MY terms, alright?

Maddox: You know what the worst part of what you're saying is, though? When you wipe your ass, after you've gotten out of the shower? You get that…that…the toilet paper rolls up. It breaks apart!!

Dick: (yells) OHHH! It breaks apart and it gets on your hands! LIKE FUCK!!

Maddox: Yeah, it gets on your hand…


Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You can't wash poop off a hand!!!

Maddox: It's that…and it looks like that really twisted-up, tight toilet paper, that's, like, kind of broken apart, 'cause it's wet.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And it's all over your fingers, and it's brown, and you can smell it…(gags) (Sean gags) SEAN!!! (Randy laughs)

Dick: And then it gets lost up in your butthole!!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, well…great.

Maddox: I'll find it tomorrow!

Dick: This is gonna come out tomorrow when it dries out!

Maddox: Exactly. And those are the worst. You know what? They get curled…girls, generally…well, most of the girls generally don't have to worry about this, but it gets wrapped up in your butt pubes.

Dick: Yeah. Yeah, it does.

Maddox: Yeah. And you just have to yank 'em out.

Dick: Dingle…dingleberries are a separate problem, though. Bring that in….bring that in..

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: By the way, everyone, enjoy your…I hope you're listening to this during Thanksgiving.

Maddox: Enjoy your Thanksgiving, guys.

Dick: And enjoying your Thanksgiving meal.

Maddox: Happy Thanksgiving. I'll post my rice recipe on the website. Ungrateful Dick.

Dick: Yeah. (Sean giggles) You gonna make that again this year?

Maddox: No!

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: No, I'm never making that rice for anyone other than me.

Dick: The rec…the recipe's real simple. It's just a bag of rice. You pour it in a bowl. That's it.

Maddox: You fucking asshole. (laughing) Stupid ass.

Dick: Throw in some almonds and then, uh…get up on a soapbox and tell everyone how stupid they are. Done. (Sean and Randy laugh) (Dick giggles)

Maddox: What a bitch!

Dick: You should tweet that to Penn Jillette. Tweet the recipe.

Maddox: Penn Jillette? Maybe. He's on…he's on a diet. He's been on a very calorie-restricted diet. That's how he lost a lot of his weight. I…in fact, I was Googling it, 'cause I was looking to see what he looks like, 'cause I haven't seen him in a while. And…there was this Telegraph article talking about how much weight he lost.

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: And it was all just calorie restriction.

Dick: Probably magic. It's probably an illusion.

Maddox: Yeah. (chuckles)

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I was actually looking for a bunch of quotes to, uh…to use against Penn, like, "Oh I bet he said some stupid shit." And I watched, like, fucking 40 minutes of it, and he didn't say anything stupid, I'm like, "Ah, I'm tired of this."

Dick: What, on…(Maddox laughs) on Eff You?

Maddox: No, no.

Dick: Or on…on your episode?

Maddox: Uh, not…like, after the episode, 'cause I wanted to make a compilation of stupid shit that he said. Uh…

Dick: Oh, yeah.

Maddox: And he said…he said a bunch of stupid shit, but…

Dick: (interjects) Well, he's a libertarian!

Maddox: Well, there's that.

Dick: I mean, you love…you love that.

Maddox: Yeah, but, uh…well, yeah. That's a whole different…we're not getting into the libertarian thing.

Dick: Ever again. (Maddox giggles) Look, that's my problem. It affects…it affects..

(Sound clip: Rand Paul: "I want a government so small, you can barely see it." )

(Maddox and Dick giggles)

Dick: I don't know why that amuses you so much.

Maddox: (giggles) 'Cause it's so stupid. It's so dumb!

Dick: It affects everyone.

Maddox: What does?

Dick: Having to shit when you get out of the shower.

Maddox: Oh, I thought you were talking about libertarianism. (giggles)

Dick: Libertarianism affects no one. It only affects the listeners of this show.

Maddox: It affects…

Dick: (interjects) Who are bothered by it.

Maddox: theor…it theoretical people, Yeah. Not listeners of the show, but pe…like, actual theoretical people. Look, man. Uh, shitting after you get out of the shower. Why don't you just…you can't tell you're gonna have to shit in five minutes?

Dick: No!

Maddox: Why don't you just wait?

Dick: No. You can't always tell. What are you, like, Nostradamus of poop? (Sean giggles) Sometimes it's not working. You're like, "I gotta get going. This shit is not cooperating today. I'm just gonna take a shower." Then your…then you're 95% of the way through your shower, like, uh…soaping your ankles, or whatever. (they giggle) And you're like "SHIT! Now I gotta take a shit! Here it comes! I gotta jump out here and sit on a toilet, wet. Great."

Maddox: Ohhhhh, the wet toilet's really bad, too.

Dick: Great start of the day.

Maddox: 'Cause you know…if the toilet has any kind of germs or anyth…you're slipping around on that, and I imagine…

Dick: Yes! Yeah.

Maddox: …everything has a thin layer of poop particles everywhere.

Dick: It does! Everything everywhere does! And now your body's all wet, touching it! It's gross.

Maddox: Yeeeah. (sighs) That does…that is disapp…plus, it's really steamy in there, too, because then you're gonna have the poop particles in the s…and the steam mixing together.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Big…

Dick: And it's getting all over your hair.

Maddox: Steamy shit.

Dick: All the poop steam is getting in your hair.

Maddox: I don't have to worry about that. (Dick laughs)

Dick: You say that like you're bragging. (Randy laughs)

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, it's cool!

Dick: I read somewhere that Donald Trump has never shit after he showered. I don't know if that's true. (background giggling) But I read that.

Maddox: It's 'cause…he does all his shitting out of his mouth.

Dick: Ohohoho!!!!!!

Maddox: Verbal diarrhea.

Dick: Good.

Maddox: Yeah. He's such an idiot. Such a meathead.

Dick: Oh, man. (grins)

Maddox: You know, Dick…

Dick: He's so great.

Maddox: …I think I know what you're doing with Donald Trump.

Dick: What do you think I'm doing?

Maddox: 'Cause I was gonna do…I was gonna do the same thing with, uh…what's her name? Michele Bachmann. Last…the last time she was running for president?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: She is…such a shitshow. She is such a loose cannon, that I was going to create a PAC to support Michele Bachmann, because I just wanted to see her run up against Obama.

Dick: Yeah. Uh-huh.

Maddox: I…I mean, there's no fucking way in Hell she would win, but I thought it was hilarious. I wanted her in the race as LONG as possible, because she was just such a fucking crazy, loose cannon!

Dick: She has crazy eyes, too.

Maddox: Oh, she has super crazy eyes. She did that…post GOP talk that one time, where she wasn't looking at the teleprompter correctly?

Dick: Oh, God.

Maddox: So she was looking just slight…like, one or two degrees off away from the teleprompter…

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: And it was so unsettling. It…there's this…you gotta look this up. Michele Bachmann teleprompter.

Dick: Yeah, her eye…her gaze reminded me of too many girls that I've banged. (Maddox chuckles) That's a bad sign. I do not want to look into the eyes of the president and imagine girls I've banged.

Maddox: What do they…look in cross directions? Like, what's going on?

Dick: Crazy eyes.

Maddox: Oh, crazy eyes, yeah.

Dick: Crazy, loopy eyes. Like talking, but nobody's behind the wheel of this freight train.

Maddox: Yeah, no…I…I stopped talking to girls like that.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. I meet them in bars! I met this girl at this bar…no, it was a comedy club.

Dick: There you go.

Maddox: Uh…and I…(giggles) I met her because she bumped her…giant, enormous, beautiful perfect ass into me.

Dick: Ohhh.

Maddox: I'm like, "What is this?"

Dick: I thought that was gonna be giant something else.

Maddox: (laughing) Wh….

Dick: Dammit.

Maddox: What? Penis?

Dick: Nooooooo!!! (Sean laughs)

Maddox: What?

Dick: NO!!!

Maddox: What were you gonna think I…

Dick: (interjects) What do you mean?! (cracks up laughing)

Sean: I knew…I knew he was gonna say…(background laughter, Dick is killing himself laughing) that. (Maddox laughs) And I knew you…

Dick: What the hell?!!? Giant penis?!

Maddox: What did you think?!

Dick: That would be a weird story!!!

Maddox: I don't know. What are you…what…

Dick: Chicks don't have penises!

Maddox: What?! (laughs)

Dick: I thought you were talking about her tits!

Maddox: Oh, no, no.

Dick: I thought you were gonna say "her big, beautiful tits".

Maddox: No, her big beautiful, perfect, butt.

Dick: Penis.

Maddox: Butt. (Dick giggles)

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: No. I have the perfect penis, buddy!

Dick: Oh, man.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I wonder what Donald Trump's penis looks like?

Maddox: Oh, gross!! It probably looks stupid, like his face.

Dick: Probably glorious.

Sean: It probably has an amazing hairdo.

Dick: Yeah, probably. (grins)

Maddox: He probably…he probably has a really big peehole.

Dick: He probably tattooed his own face on the tip of his dick. With that face he always makes, that AWWWWGHH face? (Sean giggles) Like, that's the tip?

Maddox: Have you see the Conan O'Brien skit where he, um…does the mouth over talk with..

Dick: (interjects) Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's great.

Maddox: Like, (stammers) it looks exactly like every time Donald Trump talks.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Donald Trump talks like the Conan O'Brien skit.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: It's ridiculous. Um, anyway…this girl bumped her beautiful, big butt into me. And…we started talking. And…uh, gave her a ride home, yadda yadda. We're setting up a date. And then, uh…she asked me a question. She says, "Would you stop going out with a girl if by the fourth date, she hasn't put out?" I said, "Yes, of course. Absolutely."

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And pretty much just like the way I said it. And she said, "Oh." "Oh, well I'm at the point in my life where…"

Dick: (interjects) Oh, God. Stop. I'll stop going out with you…right now!! (Maddox giggles) For talking like this!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Get outta my car!!

Maddox: Oh, yeah. I John McClain-ed it outta that car. I rolled…(Dick scoffs)(they giggle) did a dive roll out of the fucking side. I'm out!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: See ya, hottie! With your perfect ass! Good luck being single for the rest of your life!

Dick: I would love to see what this girl looked like.

Maddox: You know what? Um…she was like a…she was like a 7 or an 8. Probably a mid-7.

Dick: Mmm.

Maddox: Uh, but that ass, man.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Dat ass, do. (Sean snorts, giggles) (Maddox laughs)

Dick: Uh,well, in response to your question, I am not doing with Trump what you were doing with Michele Bachmann.

Maddox: You really like Trump?

Dick: Yeah. Second Amendment. I wanna see him…can you imagine…him putting senators on blast for fucking with his plans that he's trying to get through? Every single day he's putting people on blast. (Maddox sighs, giggles) It's glorious! It's glorious.

Maddox: He's…he's a loose cannon. He has no plan for this country. No vision. I genuinely believe he is an actual bigot. I think he's absolutely prejudiced.

Dick: Why do you think he's a bigot?

Maddox: (giggles) Because he wants to…he's…he's blaming Mexicans for rape and…and…

Dick: Illegals, though. Not Mexicans.

Maddox: Oh, just the illegals.

Dick: Illegal immigrants.

Maddox: Ohhh, okay. (sarcastic)

Dick: But you know that, like, federal prison's chock full of, like, has a shitload of illegals? Do you know that?

Maddox: Well, yeah, bu…

Dick: There's stats on that.

Maddox: Because they're…illegal and they're getting caught.

Dick: No, they're there for, like, violent crimes. Like, it's…there's a huge, disproportionate number of illegal immigrants in federal prison for violent crimes.

Maddox: Hmmm.

Dick: Like, there's a shitload of them.

Maddox: Okay. Are they Islamic?

Dick: Um, I dunno! We gotta get that database up and going. (Sean cracks up) To see who's Islamic and who's not! (Maddox snorts) Shit, man! (snaps fingers)

Maddox: Ahhhhhhhhh.

Dick: What do you mean, are they Islamic?

Maddox: Are they Islamic?

Dick: Do you…wait, lemme ask you this? Do you have any problem with illegal immigration at all?

Maddox: Um…

Dick: Are you pro or against it?

Maddox: I'm not for it.

Dick: You're not for it.

Maddox: No.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: I think it can cause problems. It can overburden our system.

Dick: Too much of it?

Maddox: Too much of it can, yeah. But, uh…

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: I…I think that you can ebb the flow of illegal immigration by creating a more streamlined process for people to come into this country legally and productively.

Dick: Okay, how do you stop it, though? From coming in?

Maddox: Well, I'm not sure…I'm not sure…

Dick: (interjects) Put up, like, a bunch of piñatas near the border so they get distracted? (Sean cracks up)

Maddox: Oh, boy. (Dick laughs) I think before…

Dick: I can say that kind of shit, Maddox, come on!!

Maddox: (scoffs) Yeah. Please.

Dick: Border cross me, bitch!!

Sean: Put out some…picnic tables.

Dick: Yeah, picnic tables.

Maddox: Say one sentence in Spanish, dickhead.

Dick: Um, fuck you. (Maddox laughs)

Sean: Oh no, he speaks it.

Dick: Yeah, come on.

Sean: He speaks it.

Dick: I don't wanna show off.

Maddox: Do you really?!

Dick: Uh..a little. Enough.

Maddox: You don't speak Spanish.

Dick: I speak enough.

Maddox: Huh. (background giggles) Um…no. I think that…

Dick: (interjects) I can only do when it requires me to talk to babes. Then I can speak Spanish.

Maddox: Ohhhhhhh.

Dick: Otherwise, no, I can't.

Maddox: Well, they did that study in Georgia, where…actually, it wasn't even a st…I think it was in Georgia, they banned any…they…they went…(stammers) they had a really aggressive anti-immigration policy.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: And it was a local thing that they experimented in Georgia, and they made sure none of the plantations for picking fruit or agriculture or crops or anything like that hired any illegal immigrants. And they found that they couldn't employ anyone. And then millions of dollars of crops went to waste, because the…there was no one to do that job. They s…they keep saying, "Well Americans will do that job." Turns out they won't. And millions of dollars of crops went to waste. They rescinded that law, and then plantations went back to hiring illegal immigrants.

Dick: I…yeah. I don't wanna get into that…

Maddox: So, so…

Dick: …on this episode. I see what you're saying. Were you done? I'm sorry.

Maddox: Well, I just wanna say…

Dick: Go ahead.

Maddox: Um…you need to find out what that optimal level is…

Dick: Of slave labor?

Maddox: Where you have…(Sean giggles) It's not…it's not quite slave labor. (giggles)

Dick: Well, we're not paying them minimum wage, so…

Maddox: Well…

Dick: …that's fucking slave…can they unionize? Do they have any rights at all? Then that's fucking slave labor.

Maddox: They have some rights, uh…but, I mean you can't just kill them! (Dick cracks up) You can't just…you can't just use them as…as…

Dick: (interjects) Oh yeah? Why?! Why? Because when you kill 'em, where are they gonna go? They're gonna go to the cops and say, "Uh…who was this guy?" "Uhh, he was illegal and so am I." Like, there's, like, a huge incentive for them to not report violent crimes.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: 'Cause they wanna stay here.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It's…it's horrible.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. I don't know.

Dick: Hey, it's very complicated. Easy fix, though. Build a big fucking wall.

Maddox: No, you…ugh, geez. (Dick guffaws) What are we, East Germany, then? What are we, Israel and Palestine, building a giant fucking wall?

Dick: Israel has a huge wall.

Maddox: Yeah, exactly. You don't wanna fucking…we don't wanna turn ourselves into Israel.

Dick: Oh. Uh, there's…there's a lot of walls around the world, though. (Maddox giggles) Mexico has a wall, for example.

Maddox: Okay, great. (giggles) This…this room we're in has walls!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: We should build more walls.

Dick: Why don't you knock these walls down? Anybody can come in and take a look at your stuff.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: 'Cause I don't think walls…

Dick: Illegal immigration is like pooping after you shower. That poop tries to sneak across the border.

Maddox: Umm…(scoffs) Dick. I think that there's so many bigger problems. I think for all the money that illegal immigrants may cost America.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: Um, if you start looking at the top, at…the corruption that's going on in Wall Street. It's…a drop in the bucket compared to the BILLIONS of dollars of waste and corruption that's going on…

Dick: Corruption in Wall Street?

Maddox: Oho, my God.

Dick: That's not the government, though.

Maddox: Insider trading, and all this other shit. If they went after those guys…

Dick: Probably high-frequency trading would be the biggest.

Maddox: I'm sorry?

Dick: High-frequency trading?

Maddox: What is that?

Dick: Know what that is? Look it up. You'll…you'll really love it.

Maddox: Um…

Dick: Alright. That's my problem.

Maddox: What? High-frequency trading? (giggles)

Dick: No, no, no, no, no. Shitting after you shower. That's my problem.

Maddox: My problem is…

(closing riff starts)

Maddox: …Donald Trump. Vote it up.

Dick: Donald J. Trump. (Maddox giggles)

Maddox: What's the 'J' stand for? (Dick chuckles) Jerk!! (laughs) He's a jerk. (Dick laughs, groans)

(Voice mail: male voice: "Hey, I just called to let you guys know how big of idiots you were…"

Dick: Thanks.

"And I forgot to tell Sean how cool he was. So Maddox, Dick, go fuck yourself. Sean, keep up the good work.")

Sean: Thanks, buddy.

Dick: Oh, good for you, Sean. Fuck you.

Maddox: You know, we don't have to take this shit!!

(Sound effect: 'Wrong' buzzer)

Maddox: We don't have to take this shit from our engineers tag-teaming with the callers now!?! Is that what's going on!?

Sean: I'm emailing a LOT of people.

Maddox: Was that your friend, Sean? Have you ever had any of your friends call in? Don't lie.

Sean: No. No, no. Honestly, I haven't.

Maddox: Mmm. (skeptical) Your dog?

Sean: I was trying…no.

Maddox: Has your dog called in?

Sean: I was trying to think if…I was trying to think if I have any friends. (Maddox laughs)

Dick: But you called in Maddox.

Maddox: I called into the show…okay, let's hear this.

Dick: Yeah, you're trying to pull bullshit.

Maddox: Let's hear this bullshit.

(Voice mail: male voice imitating Maddox's goofy voice: "Hi, this is Maddox. This is how I talk."

(They all laugh)

"I just thought I'd call into my own show and let Dick know how fucking awesome he is."

Dick: Oh, WOW!

Maddox: Ugh…

"Sean rules. And I suck."

Maddox: This is lies. This is not me!!!

Dick: Secret voicemail.

"I'm gonna go fuck myself." )

Dick: Awwwwwww.

Maddox: Well that's…that part's true.

Dick: That was nice of you.

Maddox: I'm the…I'm the best lover. (Sean giggles)

Dick: I'm sorry, what? (Maddox giggles)

Sean: Just ask my Casper. (Dick cackles)

Maddox: Shut up, Sean!!! Not funny.

(Voice mail: male voice: "Hi, my name is Andrew, from Oregon. Uh, a coworker recently introduced me to your guys' show and I just wanna let you guys know that listening to your show has made me a better man, because you're both such fuckups!"

Dick: Oh. (pained)

Maddox: Ugh!

"Maddox, go fuck yourself!") (they all laugh)

Maddox: Great. Nothing constructive.

Dick: You got…you fucked up the…you fucked up the catchphrase, you idiot.

Maddox: What? Oh, yeah, what? The Dick, go fuck yourself?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. Guy's a moron. Made you…(stammers) uh, listen. Just 'cause you think that there are people out there who are worse off than you, doesn't make you better, idiot! It just m…(stammers) you're still the same shitty level! Just because there's a more broken car than the one you have, doesn't mean your car's awesome!

Dick: Yeah. That's true.

Maddox: Moron.

Dick: Good point.

Maddox: And also, we're not that broken car.

Sean: But it does raise your self esteem.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

(Voice mail: male voice: "I cr…can't wait to…(cracks up)…"

Maddox: Yeah.

"Oh, Maddox. I can't wait to hear your video………..(long pause)"

(Maddox laughs)

"About you on Penn and Teller. I meant…I've just been, you know, fucking clenching my hands…wringing my towels…" (Maddox and Dick laugh)

"For like…I don't know how long it's been. Definitely more than a couple of years, like you said. It's probably at least been six years."

Maddox: Just about.

"Since you've been on Penn and Teller."

Maddox: Yep. (they giggle)

"And now, the exclusive we've all been waiting for…" (Dick and Sean crack up)

Maddox: Shut the fuck up, you idiot!


Maddox: Moron!!

"You're finally gonna talk about it." (Dick cackles maniacally)

Maddox: Yeah.

"Like a rape victim."

Dick: Ohohohohoho!!! (laughing)

(file cuts off)