TMS Late Night: Top 5 Ad Campaigns That Need To Die

March 18, 2016 | Comments (0) | by Governor X

Ten years after its initial debut and 9 years after it became stale, Dos Equis announced this week that The Most Interesting Man in the World ad campaign would be coming to an end. It was annoying, but there are far, far worse out there. Here are my current Top 5:

5. Denis Leary - Ford

Since 2009, Denis Leary has been doing ads for Ford trucks. Seven years is a long time for any ad campaign to run, but particularly so when that ad campaign consists of a generally unpleasant person snarling about how tough the trucks are while GIANT WORDS fill your screen. There was a time in my life when I found Denis Leary amusing, but then I finished the 9th grade and never looked back.

4. Jack - Jack in the Box

In 1980, after a decade or so of having their customers talk to a clown head at the drive-thru, Jack in the Box famously blew up the clown in an effort to create a more mature image (Note to fast food companies: This never works. I'm talking to you McDonalds. Throw that kale salad in the trash and just make sure the fries are fresh.). By 1994, they were completely out of ideas and brought the clown back in the form of Jack and well, he's terrible. He's all grown up and the CEO now! Ugh. Since blowing him up didn't work, maybe they can put him in the wood chipper Fargo style next time.

It's clever because he's a family man just like you! *GUFAW*

3. Bearded Hipster Focus Group - Chevrolet

This is the only new ad campaign on this list, but holy fuck are they bad. The premise is a bearded hipster is running a focus group of people that would never guess these great vehicle features are on a Chevy. You know why? Because everyone knows Chevy is garbage. If you told them this car had a functioning steering wheel and didn't spontaneously combust, the REAL PEOPLE in the ad would still be shocked. Why is the focus group run by a guy who looks like he owns the entire Mumford and Sons catalog though? Focus groups are run by stodgy corporate types, not some asshole who spends 3 hours grooming his beard every day and droning on incessantly about farm-to-table meals. Maybe Obama should have let GM die. Sometimes dead is better.

2. The Gecko - GEICO

This thing has its own Twitter account. How sad is your life if you follow the GEICO Gecko? The gecko has been around since 1999 and "speaks with a British Cockney accent, because it would be unexpected, according to Martin Agency's Steve Bassett." Well, I'll give you that. I don't think anyone expects a gecko to speak with a Cockney accent. Freshen ya car insurance luv? No. Die. I can only assume this ad campaign has led to many a gecko being brought home as a pet only to die of neglect and get flushed down the toilet because little Tanner forgot to feed it ants. Also, as you can see here, the gecko is a fucking Nazi. You just can't sweep that under the rug GEICO.

1. Flo - Progressive Insurance

Still #1 after all these years. Even sadder than the Gecko's Twitter account (oh, Flo has one too), there is Flo fan-fic. You're on the internet, so I assume you know 96% of fan-fic involves anal rape.

Without another word the man pinned Flo against the side of the counter with his body and looked down at her, the look in his eyes told her exactly what he had in mind.

If you are a sick fuck, you can read the rest here. Spoiler: she gets the Kobe in Colorado treatment - because, ahem, fan-fic. Progressive might want to wake up to the fact that Flo is mostly popular among sexual deviants and isn't really helping to sell insurance. I mean, if you want to be the car insurance company of guys who have to go door to door when they move, go right ahead. It's a free country.

Hi, I'm Jesus and I just moved into the neighborhood. State law requires that I inform you that I use Progressive Insurance.