1 Packet of bacon
1 Chicken – dead would be easier
Herbs and spices as desired
Salt, probably

Techniques used:

Not breaking down into a sobbing ball on the ground

Difficulty: Life is difficult, but we manage that. Who looks up a recipe and then sees “Oh, it’s sort of difficult. I don’t want to face any sort of challenges in life, I’d better go back to macaroni and glitter.” God!


Put a pinch of salt on the chicken. How much is a pinch, anyway?

Fry the chicken in some butter. Oh, probably should have put that in the ingredients, huh? Screw it. Everyone has butter. Who goes to the shops and says “Oh hello, I’d like some butter please!” Who? No-one, that’s who. You’d look like a damn psychopath. The cashier would probably call the police on you. The press would call you a deviant: “Local nutter goes to shops and only buys butter.” Utter nonsense. Fry your damn chicken using the butter you know you have in your fridge.

Oh, preheat the oven to some high number. Should’ve mentioned before, sorry.

Baste the chicken in its own juices. Hold on, do you have to fry a chicken before roasting it? Why do you need to baste it anyway? Who gives a toss, nobody actually owns a baster. Just put the chicken in the oven and eat your damn dry chicken.

Leave the chicken in the oven until you get bored, I guess. How long do chickens even take to cook? You know you can buy roast chicken from the same store you bought all the ingredients, right? What, you just wanted to waste a few hours of your day?

When the chicken isn’t really white anymore, but isn’t brown yet, take it out and chuck some herbs and spices on. Parsley and thyme, I’d imagine. That’s the stuff they have on roast chicken in the photos, isn’t it? Heaven forbid I use the wrong diced plant bits on my dead bird.

Look, I know this recipe is a bit crap. Colin’s out of the office and he really needed a new recipe sent off today, so you get me. Don’t like it? You could always just get takeout.

Put the chicken back in the oven. Leave it in there until it’s brown on the outside, or until you get bored I guess. It’s not my problem if you get a disease.

Carve the chicken. Obviously you don’t have a carving knife, no-one does, but hack it into bits and tell everyone you’re carving it. Serve it with whatever veg you have lying around from the last time you weighed yourself and went into a health food frenzy, and use the chicken juices as a gravy.

Didn’t we already use the juices? Can you just keep using that stuff? We both know you’re just going to use gravy granules anyway.

Enjoy your dinner, gloating to your friends that you cooked it from scratch and about how few food miles it probably has. Chuck some instant noodles on when they leave; the ones you’ve been thinking about all evening. Go on, you’ve earned it. You actually cooked a meal today.

Thanks, everybody. Join us next time when I’ll be ordering Chinese and you can do whatever you damn well please.