Perfectionism: Are we all just imperfect perfectionists?

Introduction and aim

Who knows what perfection is, really?

I clearly know that this article would not be perfect. Just enough.


So much, isn’t it?


Perfection – Imperfection: a change of perspective?

In Psychology, Perfectionism is split in Adaptive and Maladaptive. The second one is the one that causes self-defeating strategies and self-fulfilling prophecies, while the first one should be the one that helps us focusing and working hard to achieve what we want.



What I mean here is: if a part of you believes that you need to put all your effort becoming perfect, it is implying that you are imperfect (or defected) right now. Ugh.

How could anybody be completely done and not in need anything else?



Hey, it’s a paradox.

This is what perfectionism makes us to do: never consider the process of getting there, the time involved, the bloody effort.




Or manager, or nothing at all!

With the following sessions, appeared evident to me that Nicola would have not been satisfied even with becoming a manager. “I mean”, he said, “if I can obtain that in such a short time, I could push for more.”. Here we are to the core part of this: the self-deprecation. The person believes that if getting there is at all possible, there should be something else to get to much better than that.


This is how I imagined Nicola’s perfectionism:


This little rupture in the therapeutic relationship, and its resolve, helped Nicola to feel the weight of endless hours of study he did alone when he was a child, the effort he put in obtaining badges as scout, the strain in checking every single detail of the event he organised for the church, the mind-reading he did with his friends to anticipate their need and satisfy them without question being asked.


Perfected Imperfection: when enough is enough

If we consider for a moment what kind of pressure Perfectionism produce on one’s psyche, we have to take in account the payoff that this provides for the person. As every defence, it comes up when an individual feel threatened or under attack. There isn’t anything worse for a child to feel threatened, to feel unwanted or unloved. That’s death, simple as that.

The various systems we are immersed in (just to play a bit of name-and-shame: school, religion, culture etc) can all feel very demanding to a small child coming to the world without much of a knowledge. The world need to be digested and interpreted for him/her, because it is a lot to take in. If the parents cannot mediate these information in a non-threatening way… well, here we are.

Far for me taking it only on the parents, they have tried their best. They did what they thought was necessary, what felt enough to them.

Oh! What have I said? Enough?

Nicola started to reconsider events and his life position. He discovered that as defence he showed to be confident and all-around angry when the big people did not allow him to become manager, and yet he felt very small inside.


Just you, just me

Therapy can help people to just accept who they are and where they are in life, without judging themselves. I’m OK, You’re OK. Exploration of OKness seems to be the key.

Nicola saw where he was in life: he was only 28, with a good salary, a track of successes, a somehow good career in front of him.

Not too bad, isn’t it?

Not a great philosopher, but a revolutionary artist completely misunderstood in his times said “Great things are done by a series of small things brought together.”. This person was Van Gogh, probably one of the artist who showed how mental health difficulties can be used to create something unique.


He changed company.


Yes, Nicola. You’re very right.

This is how our deeper journey started.

This article is firstly appeared on The Counsellor Cafe.