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Top 5: Messed up love stories that are still better than 'Twilight'

"Oh wow, a hand. But where did it come from?"
Columbia Pictures Corporation, 1992; Paramount Classics, 2006; Black Forest Films, 2005; Fox 2000 Pictures; 2929 Pictures, 2009

I know you, Gainesville. Right now, you're trudging along to the theater to see "The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2," and I know this because Archer Road is more crowded than...than...than a typical road. Shut up.

"Twilight" is alluring for a lot of girls and I finally realize why: it's because the character of Bella Swan is so gray and lumpy and forgettable that lonely ladies can easily superimpose themselves into her role, thinking and reacting as though they are the ones being seduced by an eternally strong, eternally young, eternally rich guy who also happens to suck blood as a means of survival. But when that fades - when you finally get the chance to step back and really look at Bella as a separate entity, you'll see little more than a silly, selfish, masochistic girl who takes way too much pleasure in being a martyr, and really, is that what you want to live "up" to?

Anyway, in an effort to distract you - or at least get you to spend money on more worthy cinema - I present a list of movies whose tragic, often violent plots still have better romance than "Twilight."

5. "Bram Stoker's Dracula" - Okay. Fine. Let's talk about vampires. No, not the kind that sparkle. The kind that turn into wolves, gorillas, and hordes of bats and then get the pretty girl in bed. Those vampires.

4. "En la Cama" - Two strangers have a one-night stand. The end.

3. "Black Snake Moan" - Rae likes to sleep with any male thing that moves and gets hit, kicked, shot up, and nearly raped by pretty much all of those males.

2. "Unfaithful" - A married woman cheats on her husband. Guess how this ends. (You might actually be wrong.)

1. And, finally, "The Girlfriend Experience" - Because the paid nights between a prostitute and her John are still more romantic than "Twilight."

So go watch better movies! Really. You owe it to yourself. And your children.