

Help me reconcile this, xh xmil And ds1

(28 Posts)
Davidtennantmistress Sun 24-Aug-14 19:05:50

Apologies if this is long but here goes,

Ds1 was born 8 years ago, I had a v bad labour third degree tears cut stitches infections transfusions hemorages etc etc five day stop in hospital, I was 250 miles from family with very few friends, my mum begged me to come down to the hospital I needed her, I wanted her there but refused to let her come down and see me like that besides which xh had put his foot down, his mother wanted to see the baby first, which would be two weeks, ds was born at 2.37 am, I had to get the m.w to ring him at noon the following day as he still hadn't bothered his ass to come back and see his new born son. He wasn't there when ds needed a blood rest doing, he wasn't there when the doctors were telling me about him being jaundice and needing the box which to be fair as a new mum only 23 I felt a complete failure and in essence spent pretty much five days alone in an isolation room with just my newborn baby and the odd m.w xh visited 'as often as he could' approx 2 hours morning and three evening at a push.

Fast forward a week, and I relented many more tears from my mum and me they came to see us on Rhee Friday c&h was annoyed and they were told by him under no circs they were to stop in our house or to tell his mother they had seen the baby first. Neither I or mum will forgive c&h for wrecking the first grandchild experience for them, I still feel guilty that I allowed him.

Anyhow his mother came down the next w.e baby was taken from me, only returned for feeding, it became 'my baby' as in mil's the fuss was who would push ds in his new pram around town not oh let's not go to the pub for 6 hours as ds needs feeding and I was v uncomfortable with bf in public, ds didn't feed well, I leaked more than cow and gate it wasn't good.

I admit to being a bit pfb however in my defence I believed it was the only way to protect me son at eh time. I have grown up and matured since. I distinctly remember feeding ds, who was roughly every two hours then him crying while we were at the table, he was two weeks old, and I was told 'he's not hungry' I should have trusted my instincts and fed my son, instead I waited a few minutes before seeing to him. Again this was xh and mil. Both v controlling and manipulative. Neither mil or fil did anything to help when they visited I did it all, xh stopped in bed and pretty much did the whole time ds was there until noon or later every day he wasn't working.

Fast forward to now. Xh and his partner have just had a ds. Nothing overly against his partner don't really have much to do with her, accept xh will not go anywhere without her, literally. She stops in the car during collections. I can see it being the same now the baby is here, they live a three hour round trip away. Anyhow today I took dis to their house to see new baby. No issues there. I ask when ds will be visited again, and am told next sat prob just eh day as partner is feeding baby every thirty mins to three hours, erm, yes that's what baby's do.

Also states that dis couldn't stop longer with him today as he needs to drive his mother and father to the hotel where they are staying. Apparently they're not allowed to stop at their house.

I'm struggling really at how ds's was in comparison. Was I really that bad? Am I really such a bad mum, or is the partner so fantastic that everyone bends over backwards?!?

Fwiw I have another son with my dp, and am expecting our second, his mum will come down again when bubs is a few days old and stop at my parents house, however will be over from 7-7, I have no issues at all as she's a mummy mum if that makes sense? She will stock my freezers, do the washing cleaning whatever needs doing with the cuddles as and when I'm not feeding or involved with the child. It's completely different.

Not sure if it's just where I was young and niece/immature, or xh was just overbearing as was XMil.

Vivacia Sun 24-Aug-14 19:08:15

I've tried to read it three times and still can't understand what you're saying.

mathsgsceresit Sun 24-Aug-14 19:10:23

What you're saying is

Why is he so different with his new partner to how he was with you?

Well, wasn't it good of you to train him for his new partner wink

I do get what you're saying - you had a shitty time, he was a knob and now he's being totally different with his new partner and it's not fair.


Davidtennantmistress Sun 24-Aug-14 19:10:40

Just how different xh/Xmil are seemingly with the new baby in comparison with ds. Who was the first grandchild. Xh is v controlling and manipulative, I wasn't allowed my family to visit first, his mum had to be expected to be waited on hand and foot, yet this time with xh partner and baby it's the total opposite apparently.

It's the injustice partly I think. Possibly,

Vivacia Sun 24-Aug-14 19:11:37

Ah I see. It must be very hurtful and confusing. But really, it's a reflection on them and not you.

Davidtennantmistress Sun 24-Aug-14 19:12:43

Yes but not just him xmil as well. I feel so shirt that I chose a shit father for ds1 compared to dp with ds2. Yet apparently xh is now father of the year! Funny as he can't even be assed to take his son, ds1 to the park on his own, literally he will not take him anywhere on his own without partner or now new baby. What's that all about? Both dp and I have one to one with both of the boys here, not as often as we'd like but we do.

mathsgsceresit Sun 24-Aug-14 19:13:50

He is just a dick. The mask will slip. Eventually. And he'll be the same.

Just be glad he's an ex.

LairyPoppins Sun 24-Aug-14 19:14:21

Your ex p was a dick when you had a DS together.

He is being less of a dick ( seemingly) to his new partner now they have a new baby.

You have moved on and have a nicer DP and nicer in laws.

He might have changed, she might be different from you. Either way it is water under the bridge and you need to move on - you don't need to waste a moment more thinking about what a toad he was back then.

Davidtennantmistress Sun 24-Aug-14 19:14:40

Sorry so shit.

I didn't train him I don't think, well perhaps how to be a more sly tosser. Dis thinks he's great which is the hard bit, although I have now started saying to him (in response to I couldn't go to the park with daddy because baby's feet would get could).... When mummy had ds2 dp took you to the park on his own while mummy stayed at home didn't he?!?

It's so hard.

Vivacia Sun 24-Aug-14 19:15:53


What effect do you think that will have on your son?

Davidtennantmistress Sun 24-Aug-14 19:15:58

Oh believe me I know it will slip. I just wonder what I ever did. Honestly I know we're all a bit pub as new mums is there such a thing as p fb grandchild?

MaryWestmacott Sun 24-Aug-14 19:16:52

It could be he tried being like that with the new partner and she didn't stand for it? It could be she won't let the mil in the house, that this is being presented as him being better with his new DP, but really he's learned this is the only way he gets to have a relationship with her.

RandomMess Sun 24-Aug-14 19:16:57

They are you Ex H & XMIL for a reason, just be thankful you escaped!!!

His new partner may just have massively put her foot down and rules the roost.

mathsgsceresit Sun 24-Aug-14 19:17:46

Did you really say that to your DS?

That's not great tbh.

Davidtennantmistress Sun 24-Aug-14 19:18:16

I have no idea Vivacia, at the moment it's giving him food for thought, I'm trying to encourage him to make up his own mind, however having it constantly shoved down my throat that xh tells dis he can't see him as he's working (yet xh tells me he's not working so can't pay maintenance) it's getting a bit thin, there is so many more times of xh threatening ds, and standing on my door stop slating dis and my parenting of him that half of the time I want to just tell him where to go and leave us alone. Ds gets anxious when he goes to his dads.

Davidtennantmistress Sun 24-Aug-14 19:20:14

It may not be, however it isn't meant as a do is great your dad is shit, it's a your dad is choosing not to do things when he could. Likewise he is also told to ask his dad if he wants to visit him for a week instead of a day, during holidays etc however da won't he asks me to ask his dad, it's not down to me, all I can do is text and offer dates which I'm told I have no leave I have no leave.

Vivacia Sun 24-Aug-14 19:23:06


Ok, just in my opinion... if your son is 19 than fair enough. If your son's more like 9 I think that you are hurting him.

Davidtennantmistress Sun 24-Aug-14 19:27:41

He is viva and a sensitive boy, believe me I have shielded dis from so much with regards to xh. However it is yet again every time me who has to be the one to let him down on xh's behalf, this is the angle I am coming from with it all. I work hard to keep him balanced and secure. E comes home like a coiled spring ready to burst as literally he goes to the shops comes home and watches movies, nothing else. And he's the boy who has to be running about for an hour just to be able to sit down and concentrate on something.

I know it may not be everyone's choice of phrase however dis knows that you have choices to do things and choices not to do things, this we have instilled into him to try and get him to make the right choices with guidance. Its like saying to him you can choose to see your friends or you can choose not to it's your decision.

mathsgsceresit Sun 24-Aug-14 19:33:57

I'm sorry but you're being manipulative.

Vivacia Sun 24-Aug-14 19:37:32

It's not the choice of wording that's the problem. It's the criticism of his dad. A child will interpret your words as "You're not good enough for your dad to take you to the park, but your brother is".

mathsgsceresit Sun 24-Aug-14 19:39:21

It's implied criticism - mummy and DP are good parents and take you to the park isn't daddy bad for not taking you.

doziedoozie Sun 24-Aug-14 19:41:11

If you have a DP and a DS2 (not sure if I understand your posts) then I would be very happy and even more happy that exDP doesn't want much to do with DS1, that is a plus imv from what you say about him.

Davidtennantmistress Sun 24-Aug-14 19:45:03

I have never ever said that to ds. what his father chooses to tell him is another kettle of fish.

Likewise unless it is fact I have never critiqued xh no matter how much I may want to our parenting methods are polar poles apart. He believes ds needs to be ruled with threats and fear I believe dis needs to draw his own conclusions with the information appropriate for his age.

mathsgsceresit Sun 24-Aug-14 19:45:52

Davidtennant - it's implicit in what you're saying.

I can understand your frustration, but it is an implicit criticism of your ex to your DS.

Viviennemary Sun 24-Aug-14 19:56:13

I don't get what you're saying either. And if I understand correctly your ex visited you for two hours morning and three evening which seems quite a lot to me. But what is the point of holding on to all this even if you do feel hard done by. I think you should move on and enjoy your new life with your new partner. There's nothing to be gained from going over and over as to what happened when you had your DS. That's in the past. Look to the future.

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