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Quiche, da Ginge & Mutts. Sugabab(i)es Model 1.0

Sugababes is an all girl/cyborg team who sing punk-rock-meets-mellow-jazz from England. They most notably known for their constant change of line up (or "upgrades") due to the members running on Windows 95; upon their three year warranty, they mysteriously are infected with malware known as "iGetReplaced" developed by the Apple company as revenge. They currently consist of longest running Bot 3: Heidi Smiley Range, the happy-go-lucky-Teacher made in Scouserland; Bot 4, the Cigarette Vending Machine made in Aldershot, Amelle Brrrrrrrap-baba; and Bot 5: Jade Ewe-ing, a Karaoke Machine found outside Los Angeles.

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The Sugababes were first designed by Bill Gates after his last androids, Spice Girls, did not make it to the surface of the Moon. He built Model 1.0 which included Siobhan "The Forgotten Ginger One" Donoghy; out of some orange peel and a Matalan mannequin; and Mutya Rosita-Bonita-Isabellalita Kinder Bueno; out of a garbage bin and his week old Chinese take away meal. He felt that something was missing so he asked his old friend Neil Buchanan if he could use his daughter bot Quiche-Lorrain who was made from some tin foil and Stephen Hawking's voice box.

Bill locked them in a studio to record their first record Warning! Heavy Load which was inspired by a Youtube video of a fat woman falling over, it reached number 8 in he UK charts; a promising start. They soon completed their debut album One Touch, I'm That Quick where they sing about their lives as three moody cows who could not last more than one minute with their lovers in the backseat of an old Ford Fiesta. Their success was short lived when their follow-up singles entered the chart at an abysmal number 15. Bill soon sold them off to Simon Cowell.

“The Ginger one had to go”
~ Simon Cowell on the Ginger one

Simon had other plans for the girls when Siobhan mysteriously caught fire and caught the "iGetReplaced" bug, sadly her warranty expired and was flushed down the loo. The other girls denied that it was to do with their bullying.

“That's right Bill Gates, up yours!”
~ Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple on the development of the iGetReplaced bug

Cowell needed to find another bot to replace her. They soon found Heidi Smiley Range who was stood outside by a rainbow as it rained sugar coated gum drops in Happy-Smiley-ville by Wigan. Together, all three recorded their biggest hit Smile Like Me in honour of Heidi's entrance into the group. The album Whores With Dirty Faces Covered in Cum was inspired by Simon. Their massive success made everyone forget about the previous ginger one and when people mention "the Sugababes" no one knew about their past incarnation.

However, things got a bit boring and too nice and not so angst-y so Simon Cowell left them and gave them to Satan to look after. The result, he spread more rumours that Quiche and Mutya were bullies. Headlines would read: "Quiche (the black one) & Mutya (the ugly one) spit and burn Heidi (the smiley one) with melted rubber from her Barbies". The Sugababes deny any truth to the stories, except Quiche-Lorraine and Heidi's argument-turned-mud wrestling match about who Britney Spears was going to replace.

~ Quiche-Lorraine, direct quote from Twitter
Sugababes version 2.0 (yeah we prettied Mutya up and changed Quiche’s race).

To prove that "they were no bullies" the group put on a brave face (or smile, in Heidi's case) and released Three Slagzzz Xcept Heidi. It was rumoured the last part of the title was aimed to combat the bad press. It featured some of their best work including Hole In That Man's C**k Head and Too Lost In Norwich (Where's the Sat Nav?), the latter featured on the soundtrack to Love Actually where it was played in a scene where the protagonist, portrayed by Hugh Grant got lost in Norwich on his way to a lunch date with that woman who worked for him, it was all very witty and heart warming (you should watch it). Satan wanted to use the album to launch them in the USA but Mutya got knocked up by some Northern bloke who no one knew so she had to take some down time.

After Mutya ejected the baby from her uterus, Satan held her at gun point so she could begin to record their next record Upgraded in More Ways. This was to mark their long awaited upgrades from Windows 98 to Windows XP. Unfortunately, she couldn't be bothered to continue and wanted to be a "Real Girl" and look after her baby. She mysteriously fell into a vat of acid after contracting the deadly malware.

“I'm just a REEL GURL!”
~ Mutya Bueno on her status as a being prior to her disappearance

Better in More Ways (Cos Mutya's Gone) was released with new bot Amelle Brrrrrrrap-baba whom Satan found in a ghetto just outside of Buckingham Palace. Some other things happened, like their Greatest Hits package (Overloaded Circuitry), which seemingly only featured Amelle doo-wopping and talking like a thick Chav, the group took some time off to record a new album together.

“I'm just so glad to have some input”
~ Amelle on her inclusion in the Greatest Hits

Time for a Change of Batteries (& Line Up) was Amelle's first real album and featured their biggest selling single: About Your Ugly Face (That means you Amelle), the video for it included a man running as fast as he could away from an extremely unfortunately looking girl to find a better and fitter girl. Despite this, no one really cared about the album as much as their previous albums. The group kept fighting and brought out another album called Twatfights & Amelle Hogging the Spotlight, again no one really cared. Because of this Amelle decided to go on a murder spree and kill innocent children to vent her ever present rage. When police tried to arrest her she murdered them too and to this day still murders anyone who tries to arrest her, hopefully one day she will be caught.

After the boredom of continually emphasising that they are the "Biggest Girl Band in the UK (NOT Girls Aloud)", they set their sights on the US. They fired Satan and signed with Jay-Z who thought that Quiche was pretty sexy. They began recording their album Sweet Jesus, 7 Girls Down! featuring the single Get Sexy. Little did Quiche know she was recording her final single and because of this they lost their US record deal when Quiche got the boot.

“I THOUGHT that TITLE was a JK xoLOLxo”
~ Quiche-Lorraine on her being kicked out, direct quote from Twitter

After an freak accident at a nuclear bomb testing facility in the US, Quiche-Lorraine disappeared from the scene. They then hired Jade Ewe-ing who was found in the sex store near Jay-Z's house. The group now plan to release the single About A New Beaver Faced Girl. The video was filmed at the site of Quiche-Lorraine's explosion and in the video you can see them kicking her ashes as they dance and sing. The group are said to be "Ready to start a-new" and have been upgraded to Windows Vista, although Bill Gates now had brought out Windows 7, the girls are extremely worried.

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