A Field Guide to 'Nice Guys'

The good news is: feminism happened, so men don't get to just run around slapping our asses with impunity anymore. The bad news is that now that overtly piggish behavior is heavily, heavily socially discouraged, there's a subset of men who resort to less overt means when they want to act like jerks. Meet the Nice Guy.

When using the phrase 'Nice Guys' with a capital NG, I don't mean a man who happens to be a genuinely kind person. Hooray for kind, caring, conscientious people! I mean the sort of Guy who has declared himself to be Nice, and thus deserving of positive (usually sexual) attention from the female of his choice, upon whom he has often projected an elaborate fantasy of perfection and willingness that rarely has anything to do with the subject's actual feelings or desires. When a Nice Guy is romantically rejected by a woman he wants, he lashes out at her, wondering why that dumb cunt won't go out with him. After all, he has been Nice!

Performing basic feats of human decency don't afford anyone the right to the romantic attention of the Adonis or Aphrodite of their choice, and viewing kindness as currency that can be directly exchanged for sexual gratification is a pretty fucked up way to think. To paraphrase Lindy, women aren't vending machines where if you put in enough Nice, sex comes out.

The Predatory Bestie

He offers to listen to you cry and cry about your ex. So you let him. He offers to help you move a heavy dresser to your 4th floor walk up. So you let him. He admits that he cried during The Notebook. So did you. He tries to touch your boobs one night. You don't let him. You bitch.
Likes: All the same things you like, even Grey's Anatomy.
Dislikes: All those assholes you keep dating who are definitely just doing _________ to get in your pants, unlike Predatory Bestie, who is most definitely not just hanging around waiting for you to be single and vulnerable so he can make a move and then guilt you into having sex with him.
Pop culture muses: Duckie from Pretty in Pink

The Chivalrous Stranger

He gets all up in your face as you're walking down the sidewalk. "SMILE!" he says, "I bet you'd be so pretty when you SMILE!" You don't smile. You bitch.
Likes: YOU! Smiling!
Dislikes: Frowny sourpuss ladies who aren't decorative enough.
Pop culture muses: Pete Campbell

The Aspirational Fuck Buddy

It's just a sex thing and you're not ready for a relationship. You've told him this. But he won't listen. He doesn't understand rule number one of taking your pants off is that you can't fuck your way into a relationship.
Likes: Making you soup when you're sick.
Dislikes: The fact that you are not his girlfriend and have told him that you should stop sleeping together.
Pop culture muses: The dude from 500 Days of Summer

The Fake Reformed Ex

When you were together, he was a butthole factory. A factory that makes only buttholes. But you broke up with him, and he didn't take it well. Now he's changed, he swears. He's so different. He's learned. He's changed so much in the last 3 weeks. Except when you tell him that it's really, for real over, he punches a wall and fractures his hand.
Likes: Things with flames on them. Calling you "turkey legs" because your thighs touch at the top, unlike his last girlfriend.
Dislikes: Being told "no," anything you like.
Pop culture muses: Chris Brown

The Liberated Pig

He's an old guy at a cocktail party who name drops feminist authors because he figures you're in the age group that would appreciate that sort of thing. He's with it. He's down with the feminisms. But then he asks for your phone number. You have a boyfriend. You dumb cunt.
Likes: Bourbon. Saying "Simone de Beauvoir" with a high school level French accent.
Dislikes: Being corrected. He's wrong a lot.
Pop culture muses: Henry Higgins (the super mansplainy guy from My Fair Lady)

The Incredible Hulk

One minute, he's just a guy making an ill-fated move. But the act of rejection turns him into an explosive tyrant. Also his team missing a field goal makes him into an explosive tyrant, but that's a whole other thing altogether.
Pop culture muses: Bif from Back to the Future

The Dejected Unknown Piner

You have no idea who he is, but he's made up this whole story in his head about how he's just a sad shy Nice Guy that you can't even see because you're SO BLIND to anyone who isn't a football player etc etc etc. By the way, you're adults, so there are no football players involved here.
Likes: Reddit. MEAN BUT TRUE.
Dislikes: Football players, talking to girls
Pop culture muses: Taylor Swift. Did I just blow your mind? Women can be Nice Guys, too.