6 Things to Do If You Hate New York Instead of Anthrax Mailings

2001's Anthrax mailer, Dr. Bruce Ivins, killed five people and then himself. The FBI's closing the case file on him today. Interestingly, the guy hated New York. Sometimes, it sucks! But there are ways around this problem.

6. Stop taking the subway. Self-explanatory, but in the event that you do derive some pleasure out of being transported by a never-timely rat-infested sweatbox staffed by people so angry you have to communicate with them in their native grumbles in order to negotiate the kind of situation that would require you to talk to them—like an unannounced service change, or your MetroCard not working, or some kind of emergency they should be attending to—which is often, go right ahead. But this is a nice place to walk. You should try walking, sometime.

5. Stop grocery shopping. Grocery shopping in this town is the goddamn worst. Whole Foods is essentially the sixth circle of the Inferno. The Park Slope Co-Op is basically an oppressive Communist hierarchy of people who will make you feel bad for eating everything but AssOats and Dayboat Bananas and Dirt-Strewn Organic Free-Trade Hormone-Free Tomatillos. Trader Joe's teases you with really great looking food that's cheap but as it turns out mostly tastes like shit. Also, more lines. Gristedes or Grosstedes or whatever you call it, it's an exercise in the restraint of your gag reflex, because they all smell like someone just barfed an entire bender of Pineapple Rum all over the front door. Same with Key Foods, because they're basically the same, but Key Foods is just out of reach of where you live, making schlepping your groceries a giant pain in the ass. And Fresh Direct is cool if you enjoy the routine of having to break down the 40 cardboard boxes that were required to deliver you a bottle of seltzer and a T-Bone you're not going to cook anyway. Just eat out. All the time. For every meal. Life will get better.

4. Stop reading the newspaper. If you have any common sense about you, the Sunday Styles routinely does bad things to your blood pressure, and you know, Thomas L. Friedman and Maureen Dowd and all the other absurd shit at the New York Times. The New York Post is meant to make you angry no matter who you are, and the New York Daily Snooze is just kind of there. The Wall Street Journal's now owned by Rupert Murdoch so you might as well just read the New York Post from five feet away and save yourself like what a buck? Whatever. And unless you already read The New York Observer you'll probably find something mean to say about it, starting with it's pink hue.

3. Avoid our sports teams.Ivins actually expressed his hatred for the Yankees in writing. Hating the Yankees is no reason to go postal, because everyone else in America hates the Yankees without freaking the fuck out, no? That said, New York's sports teams are the absolute worst. The Mets are patently depressing. The Yankees have the highest payroll in baseball, finally win their first championship in ten years, and then let their MVP get snapped up by the Angels. Also, they're owned by the Steinbrenners, who are assholes. Also, A-Rod thinks he's a centaur. The Knicks aren't going to not suck for another five years, at least, and also, they're owned by Jimmy Dolan, who's an asshole. Our hockey teams might be good but nobody really cares about hockey enough to know if this is true or not. The Jets and the Giants are kinda okay but you have to go to New Jersey to see them play, but nobody wants a stadium in Manhattan, with good reason. But also, Jets fans are total goons. You're probably just better foregoing professional sports altogether in this town.

2. Sell out. This is a pretty decent place to live no matter what, because everything's pretty neat and we have some pretty neat stuff, but you know what makes New York even better? Money. Lots of money. Money is awesome in this town. You know what's cool? An apartment that's kinda close to Manhattan that isn't a shoebox and doesn't try to routinely kill you via electric fire or rodents serving as inspirations for supporting roles in Korean monster movies. You know what's cooler? A townhouse in the West Village that's so whimsical if you look at it too long your face will collapse. Hate the press? Just buy a newspaper; they're basically all for sale right now on the cheap, anyway. Money solves lots of problems, and it solves a lot more problems in New York than anywhere else, because this city is basically nothing but problems.

1. Fuckoff. If you hate it so much here, why don't you just move? Move to Berlin! Lots of ex-pats still think Berlin is great. Or find the next Berlin! Or go to LA! Or Jersey! You can find yourself somewhere. But the last thing New Yorkers need are people who constantly complain about how much this city sucks. Because we have enough shit to deal with, thanks.