My DH calls our DD fat

(75 Posts)
1757 Mon 08-Feb-10 21:45:56

I am worried about my DHs behaviour towards our teenage daughter

He was a keen sportsman in his youth and felt he could have been successful if he had had the backing. He has encouraged my DD to particpate in sport from a young age but puts a lot of pressure on her to succeed.

Recently he has started getting angry at her when she doesn't do as well as he thinks she could or should do. He often comments on her weight and in extreme anger has called her 'fat'. He has also started criticising her character and is prone to rages and 'flare ups'.

They argue a lot and she is beginning to suffer emotionally. She has cut her arms (although only once and for attention) and spends a lot of time at friends houses. How can I help my family?

Tell him to stop doing it.

My dad used to call me fat and I have body image/ weight issues.

1757 Mon 08-Feb-10 21:51:35

I have but he says they are merely words of encouragement. He can be loving at times but they have a difficult relationship

Intergalactic Mon 08-Feb-10 22:13:54

He sounds really awful. How can he talk to his daughter like that? I think you need to tell him in no uncertain terms that it is totally unacceptable. If he doesn't stop then I don't know - is he like this in other areas too? Criticising her character and weight sounds quite abusive - if he was doing this to you people would be telling you he was an emotional abuser and you should leave him. You have to protect your daughter from this.

Trickle Mon 08-Feb-10 22:16:50

How do you know the cutting was for attention - can be a dangerous thing to assume IMHO. It takes quite a lot of emotional distress to truly cut and is often mistaken for attention seeking behaviour.

AnyFucker Mon 08-Feb-10 22:18:42

your DH, for example, is a twat

Buda Mon 08-Feb-10 22:25:23

Call him fat and tell him it is words of encouragement! See how he bloody likes it.

Your dh is trying to relive his youth and failure through your dh and will cause her irreprable harm if he doesn't stop. And yes the cutting was for attention. The attention she wants is for someone to see what he is doing to her.

ThatVikRinA22 Mon 08-Feb-10 22:28:38

sorry but his is simply being a total bastard and there is NO excuse for that at all. id stop him in his tracks so bloody fast he'd get gravel rash. if my DH called my DD fat go ape shit. and he would be spending the night on a park bench. stand up for your dd. this makes me angry, its not encouragement - its him taking out his frustrations on a teenage girl and he should be bloody ashamed of himself and so should you be for allowing it.

AnyFucker Mon 08-Feb-10 22:29:02

the way to help your family is to tell him to shut the fuck up

who the hell does he think he is ?

thesecondcoming Mon 08-Feb-10 22:43:38

fucking hell-is he right in the head?
what a twat.
is she fat? could she do with losing weight? not excusing how he's going about it but is he in a very wrong,very cack handed way trying to get her to sort out her eating habits (by potentially giving her an eating disorder)
can i add for the record 'what a fucking twat' again? thanks.

Wigglesworth Mon 08-Feb-10 22:44:49

Your DH sounds like an abusive wanker. What kind of spineless shitbag would do that to a teenage girl, let alone his own DD, at a vunerable time in her life with hormones and god knows what other feelings flying around all over the shop?
He is taking out his anger and frustration at HIS failings on your DD and that is totally unacceptable. A father should be a person you can trust to give positive encouragement and protects you from this kind of shit. He should not be someone who picks on your weaknesses to make himself feel better, he is nothing short of a bully. No better than those nasty kids who poke fun at you in the playground.
Please do not allow this to continue, tell him he is being a total cunt and you will not allow anyone to abuse your DD in this way, he is supposed to be her father.

TheCrackFox Mon 08-Feb-10 22:54:15

I would go absolutely insane if Dh spoke to any of our children like tht.

Tell him to stop being a fucking bullying arsehole.

Trickle Mon 08-Feb-10 22:57:28

It might sound a bit odd I'm concentrating on that - but I do honestly have a good reason. Everyone else has given very good advice and pointed out some very damaging things that are happening. Yes what is being said is unnacceptably harmful.

However she may be cutting for reasons other than attention seeking - it's important to distinguish because she may be cutting for a whole host of other reasons that are quite worrying.

Hating yourself so much you don't deserve to not be hurt.

Release of emotion that is so huge you can't get rid of it any other way.

A mark of how bad/evil/fat/terrible unwanted awful person you are.

There are others - it being mistaken for 'simple' attention seeking can feed into how bad you are feeling and make it worse - make you feel like you are disgusting and filthy and just a stupid attention seeking idiot.

Or it could be attention seeking - which is still a problem and probably a 'cry for help' but is less of a damamging cycle - and she is less likely to get addicted, because it can be addictive. It can also tie into an eating disorder and be really messy psychologically.

I'm painting a worst case scenario - but what your partner is doing is potentially very damaging. What your daughter is doing is potentially showing the results of that.

But life is complicated and a RL HCP would probably be a good starting point. Family Therapy maybe?

1757 Mon 08-Feb-10 23:03:54

She is not fat - a size 12 at most. He is not always like this but when he blows up he can be really nasty. She can provoke it sometimes by being argumentative and rude but it is still no excuse I know. I want to have words with him but in truth I don't think he will respond appropiately. I am worried for my DD and not sure I love him anymore

Eurostar Mon 08-Feb-10 23:10:52

Dreadful, damaging behaviour on his part. Sounds like he has been trying to live his life through his daughter for a long time and, now he sees that his fantasies are not going to come true, he is losing all sense of perspective, of what is important in life.

It's also kind of worrying that you see cutting as attention grabbing behaviour. Take notice of Trickle's post and see if you can get family therapy before she embarks on more self-destructive behaviour - risky casual sexual relationships might soon follow in a bid to get appreciation from men to make up for the lack of respect from her father.

Trickle Mon 08-Feb-10 23:15:00

I don't know what to say 1757, it sounds like a really difficult situation - can you concentrate on her? Ask her how she is feeling - would she tell you the truth? Does her school have a councellor and could you set up a meeting for her that she would go to.

Maybe you should concentrate on your daughter for the moment becasue in all of this she could get really damaged - she could be absolutly fine too I'm just afraid it's not worth the risk.

That doesn't mean what is going on for you or between yourself and your husband should be ignored - but maybe think of it as first aid for her MH. I find it hard to believe he wouldn't realise how badly this could effect her and her relationship with him.

How does he treat you?

ascouser Mon 08-Feb-10 23:18:17

Tell him is a dick head and a looser and see how motivated he is

1757 Mon 08-Feb-10 23:22:20

It has affected our relationship, she won't communicate with me. Just grunts at me and then goes to her room when she comes in. He can be a nice father, in fact most of the time, so no I don't think he realises what this could do. I have to go now so thanks for your advice. I will try and talk to my daughter

mathanxiety Mon 08-Feb-10 23:35:10

sad and angry, mostly angry. You have to put an end to this. She needs you to be the grown up here and stand up to him. Repairing the damage this human tank has done to his own DD will take a lot of time and work on his part.

coldtits Mon 08-Feb-10 23:37:46

I'm not surprised she cuts herself and tries to get away from home. She has an abusive home life.

get some balls and tackle the twat properly. he might be loving to you, but he's treating his daughter like shit and she will not thank you for letting this happen. You'll lose her if you don't stop him - it sounds like she's already started pulling away, and i really don't blame her.

BrahmsThirdRacket Mon 08-Feb-10 23:41:55

Don't want to be mean to you, but you say you don't know what to do - stick up for your daughter! Are you worried he doesn't respect you either?

BitOfFun Mon 08-Feb-10 23:42:18

I'm not sure I even believe this, it's so extremely out of order.

Tell him to take a long hard look at himself, and go away to consider things while he's at it. Your dd is in pain and needs to be protected from this cruelty.

juicy12 Tue 09-Feb-10 14:03:20

You absolutely cannot allow your "D"H to talk to your teenage DD like this. He'll be setting her up for a future of food issues, if not eating disorders. This has actually brought me close to tears - I just can't believe you're wondering what to do. Your poor daughter sad

itsallaboutpootle Tue 09-Feb-10 14:16:39

You have to tell him to stop emotionally abusing your child - and make no mistake, it is emotional abuse - or ask him to leave. My father was emotionally abusive and it has affected me my whole life.

WhoIsAsking Tue 09-Feb-10 14:22:52

This is the first time you've mentioned having a teenaged daughter.

Which is telling.

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