Over-by-over: morning session

England 407 & 95-6; Australia 308

Preamble Morning. I have quite the headache. "Smyth," begins my lovely sometime colleague Georgina Turner. "I trust you're sat at your desk looking and feeling suitably shambolic." Damn straight.

8th over: England 25-1 A quiet first over from Brett Lee - a maiden. "Morning," says Mark Pearson. "Am I the first?" The first, the last, the only. Is it time to go home yet.

9th over: England 25-1 (Trescothick 19, Hoggard 0) You know you're at Edgbaston when Matthew Hoggard gets virtually a standing ovation for a forward defensive. An awkwardly played maiden as Warne probes mischievously on and around off stump and my hangover probes malevolently on and around my outsized cranium.

10th over: England 26-1 (Trescothick 20, Hoggard 0) This is such an important day in the context of the series: England could get rolled for 150, or they thunder on to around 350/400 and put Australia completely out of the game. Lee beats Hoggard outside off stump, meanwhile. "I have no sympathy," says Lee Johnson, like I asked for some with my self-pitying whining. "I was working until 11. So where are all the late licence pubs that you don't have to pay entry to ..?? Not on my route home, that's for sure. Enjoy the match - I'm back at work again. But I managed to tell my girlfriend the origins of the King of Spain this morning, naked in bed with a cuppa. She laughed so much that hot tea went everywhere. No sex for a week I think."

11th over: England 27-1 (Trescothick 21, Hoggard 0) Warne goes over the wicket to Trescothick, bowling well wide of off stump, and immediately causes problems. The second ball rips back a long way and Trescothick, trying a sweep-slap, inside-edged onto his helmet and away over slip. I'd imagine Warne will bowl virtually all day at one end, and it should be a cracking contest.

WICKET! England 27-2 (Trescothick c Gilchrist b Lee 21) Oh dear. Short and wide from Lee, and Trescothick, fiddling outside off stump with a half-ar$ed cut shot, snicks through to Gilchrist. It won't surprise you that there was no foot movement. "A gift for Australia," opines Geoff Boycott, and once again he's right. England's lead is 126, and one more wicket (not Hoggard, doofus) would really make it interesting.

WICKET! England 29-3 (Vaughan b Lee 1) Bloody hell: Lee has knocked Vaughan over straight away. It jagged back, and maybe kept a fraction low, but Vaughan was neither back nor forward - like with his dismissal to Glenn McGrath at Lord's - and his horror series continues. Game on, and how.

12th over: England 29-3 What an innings this is for Ian Bell. That was poor from Vaughan, meanwhile - his bat was crooked, coming down towards mid-on, and he again looked at the pitch like it had stitched him up, yet it hit high on off stump.

13th over: England 29-3 Maiden from Warne, and some majestic commentary from Benaud and Boycott, who have explained Vaughan's myriad technical flaws in an instant. It's almost enough to make a man forget his raging hangover.

WICKET! England 31-4 (Hoggard c Hayden b Lee 1) Another one for Brett Lee, albeit the gimme of Hoggard, who simply carved straight to Hayden at gully. It's KP time. "So how much did you drink?" asks Ben Osguthorpe, who really shouldn't be expecting me to correctly type such an awkward surname at this hour. "Is it enough to brag about or was it just a few Bacardi Breezers like a big girl?" Not sure - it gets hazy after the 44th pint. Or was it the fourth?

14th over: England 31-4 (Bell 1, Pietersen 0) An enormous shout first ball as Pietersen shaped to fend off a short ball as Gilchrist took it down the leg side. Billy Bowden said no; replays said maybe. I think he gloved that. Lee's figures are an outstanding 7-1-18-3. I told it was all about Shane Warne.

15th over: England 31-4 (Bell 1, Pietersen 0) There's more banter than a night out with the OBO losers as Warne probes away at Bell, his humiliating first-Test dismissal fresh in everyone's memory. A maiden.

16th over: England 32-4 (Bell 1, Pietersen 1) Lively stuff from Lee, who hits Pietersen and then beats his attempted flap through the covers. This is great stuff. "Do others wonder how Gilchrist's militant sportsmanship tallies with yelping 'catch it' every time ball touches bat?" asked Richard in Queensland. The only thing I'm wondering at the moment is whether a hungover lunchtime KFC will cure me or make me puke.

17th over: England 44-4 (Bell 1, Pietersen 13) Crisis, what crisis? Pietersen gets down on one knee and whaps Warne miles over midwicket for six - a simply magnificent shot. And then he does it again: same shot, same result. This boy is going to be an absolute star. "A lunchtime KFC will certainly cure you by making you puke," says Lee Johnson. "It's as simple as that." Nice.

18th over: England 47-4 (Bell 4, Pietersen 13) Bell pushes Lee nicely through the covers for three, although he would have been out had Clarke hit direct from, erm, the cover boundary. These Aussies can't even hit the stumps from 80 yards! "I thought that I would let you know about this," says Matthew Gibson. "I'm not sure that the thought of jumping up and down would be that good for a hangover though: www.worldjumpday.org". Ouch. Even cutting and pasting that hurts.

19th over: England 47-4 (Bell 4, Pietersen 13) Is it me or is Mike Atherton an absolutely terrific commentator - earthy, insightful and vivid? A maiden from Warne to Bell, and here's Simeon Everett, whose name is clearly made up. "Should I go to watch the Newcastle v Yeading friendly this afternoon or go home to watch the cricket?" I'm sorry, I thought that was a rhetorical question.

20th over: England 57-4 (Bell 11, Pietersen 14) Bell hits his first boundary, guiding Lee to the vacant third-man area. Back in today's episode of One Man And His Hangover, I feel almost human again, and am tentatively contemplating a lunchtime range-finder. "World jump day?" chuckles Luciano Howard. "Why did they tell Michael Vaughan that? Ho hum." For those of you who aren't sad enough to watch the cricket on telly AND read the OBO, Vaughan did a really odd and entirely unnecessary jump at just about the time Brett Lee sent his off stump flying.

21st over: England 61-4 (Bell 15, Pietersen 14) Bell works a Warne full toss away for four, and English cricket's oddest couple since I had a dream about me and Charles Colville bonding over a warm Heineken and a game of Stratego have restored some order after that tortured start to the morning. "Have you noticed how Simon Hughes doesn't seem to have a name anymore?" asks Ben Hendy. "It seems every time they cut to him in the cricket, Athers will say "And here's The Analyst". That's it. Maybe he's changed his name by deedpoll."

22nd over: England 63-4 (Bell 15, Pietersen 16) The medium-paced Jason Gillespie comes on, and very little happens. "Rob just coz i want a mention," begins Andy Bradshaw. "I'm so sad that I'm watching the TV, listening to TMS and following you lot on the OBO. Can anyone 'top' that in the sadness stake?" If anyone can top it, they might want to top themselves while they're at it.

23rd over: England 66-4 (Bell 18, Pietersen 16) Bell is looking nice and compact - he has far too much natural class to keep failing, even if he has looked star-struck in this series so far - and here's Michael Kane. "I learned a long time ago that hangovers go in peaks and troughs (like an oscilliscope for the mental state). At certain times of the day, you will feel magnificent remembering all the times of last night when your jokes WERE funny and oh how sophisticated you were! Other times will be full of self loathing and deep shudders at the time you spilled your drink over the table or leered terribly at the barmaids. You really just have to go with the flow. Oh and don't eat fast food. All fast food suffers from the fact that the thought of it is much, much better than the experience of eating it. Or worse as it comes back on you throughout the day." In the afternoon session: Michael Kane's guide to meeting pretty young ladies.

24th over: England 68-4 (lead by 167; Bell 20, Pietersen 16) An encouraging sign of some uneven bounce there, as Gillespie beats Bell's attempted force. And I'm boring myself. "Dear Rob," says Julien Lesage. "Thought I'd send this again cos you may have missed it's brilliance first time round." Is that what they're calling the delete button these days.

WICKET! England 72-5 (c Gilchrist b Warne 20) Warne, almost like a man who keeps getting tonked into the stand every time he puts one on a length, has switched his line to Pietersen: over the wicket and into the rough, daring Pietersen to hoick against the vicious, kicking spin. And it works in bizarre circumstances: Pietersen missed a sweep and the ball hit thigh, chest and elbow - and possibly glove, though I suspect not and Pietersen was furious - before being very smartly taken by Gilchrist.

25th over: England 72-5 (Bell 20, Flintoff 0) That was a big, big wicket, if extremely fortunate - he almost certainly didn't hit that - but then Pietersen should have been given out caught off the glove first ball and it all evens itself out and I think it's time to end this sentence now. The end.

26th over: England 74-5 (Bell 21, Flintoff 1) Gillespie beats Flintoff with a fine leg-cutter. England's lead is 173 now, and blimey this is tense. That, incidentally - actually not incidentally at all, what am I on about? - was a marvellous take from Gilchrist, one-handed and low as the ball pinballed around. It was very similar to Graeme Hick's dismissal on the final morning at Brisbane in 1994, with only one difference: Hick hit it.

WICKET! England 75-6 (Bell c GIlchrist b Warne 21) Dear me. A majestic piece of bowling from Warne, spitting furiously out of the rough and across Bell, whose forward defensive merely produced the thinnest edge on the way through to Gilchrist. Sensational stuff from Australia this morning.

27th over: England 75-6 (Flintoff 2, Jones 0) "Pub joke," promises Neil Stork-Brett. "An Englishman, and Irishman and a Kiwi walk into a pub. The Englishman has a chicken under his arm, the Irishman has a frog sitting on his head and the Kiwi is leading a horse. The barman looks up and says 'Is this some kind of joke?'"

28th over: England 82-6 (Flintoff 7, Jones 2) Gillespie, who really is staggeringly innocuous for a once borderline-great bowler, overpitches and is flipped deliciously through midwicket by Flintoff. Shot son! "Is there an English version of OBO available, incidentally," asks Becky Actually. Whatever!

29th over: England 83-6 (Flintoff 8, Jones 2) Bad news: I'm still here, and will be all day. And Freddie has pulled up lame - he's having his shoulder gingerly massaged by a buxom blonde (okay, a balding physio) after jerking something while square-cutting Warne. Those freak injuries aren't so funny any more, eh? This doesn't look good; Flintoff is carrying on but he looks really uncomfortable. More to the point, where are the emails? Come on. Next person to email me gets published.

30th over: England 85-6 (lead by 184; Flintoff 9, Jones 3) A thoroughly inept piece of cricket - Geraint Jones clunked a miserable drive straight back at Jason Gillespie, who dropped an absolute dolly.

31st over: England 87-6 (Flintoff 10, Jones 3) Cheating Aussie fuggers - apparently Bell didn't hit his either! "Big fat hairy [insert your own euphemism here]," says Dan Jones. "Publish that you fugger." I really need a range-finding pint Jonesy; if anyone's in Farringdon I'll be the one nursing a Hurlimann in the Betsey Trotwood in ten blissful minutes' time.

32nd over: England 89-6 (Flintoff 10, Jones 3)Flintoff report: he looks... ok, if more than a little ginger. England are playing for lunch now, and so am I. Email. Mick Swales. Cut-and-paste job. "My fiancee has chosen this crucial Saturday of the summer to hold a wedding pow-wow with various females of our families in my front room. I'm hiding in the study listening to TMS and reading OBO. I always find chicken fried rice is a good hangover cure."

33rd over: England 95-6 (Flintoff 16, Jones 3) That's lunch - England lead by 194, and I'm off. See you in half an hour. "Great job, Rob," says Chris Anderson, labouring under the misapprehension that I give two hoots about his love life. "And speaking of bad pub jokes and tension... A man sits at a bar biting his nails and muttering over and over "I'm a tee-pee. NO, I'm a wig-wam... NO, I'm a tee-pee." Chap next to him says: "Hey, mate, relax... your two tents"."