Miss Manners.

Married Man Flaunts His Girlfriends

July 01, 1994|By Judith Martin, United Feature Syndicate.

Dear Miss Manners: In my social and professional circle is a man in his 20s who flagrantly picks up and dates women who are not his wife.

I assure you that there is nothing I would like better than to mind my own business, but the man actually strolls over and makes a point of introducing his current companion (holding her hand, if not keeping a hand cupped around her derriere, often after a passionate kiss or embrace in view of all present), as in: "I'd like you to meet Kelly. She's an old friend." Or: "This is Joyce. She works for XYZ Co., so you two probably have a lot in common."

The introduction and a few moments of superficial talk aren't enough-they sometimes sit through a semi-pro sports event with seats next to mine, or attend prolonged dinners or cocktails, and I'm in their vicinity for hours, squirming with discomfort.

When the man's wife is the one by his side, we speak pleasantly. But when it's a girlfriend, I feel that I'm the man's accomplice in his misdeeds if I act normally and chat.

Gentle Reader: Although she is firmly in favor of a presumption of innocence, and is particularly anxious not to cast aspersions that would threaten any genuine friendships or business associations between ladies and gentlemen, Miss Manners is having a hard time applying her attitude to this case.

Your acquaintance is a fool: Had he only kept his hands to himself in public, Miss Manners would be the first to insist that you not consider a mere appearance with someone other than his wife to be incriminating.

Well, it obviously is. And Miss Manners would not condemn you for politely condemning him-which is done by refusing to recognize him. But this is an extremely harsh and conspicuous way of showing disapproval. You may want something a bit lighter. And more damaging.

You must still stay within the bounds of politeness, of course. But it is always polite to inquire after a man's wife, to ask his friend whether she is also a friend of that wife's, and to remark how lovely the wife is.

Should he try to brazen it out-and somehow Miss Manners guesses that brazenness is not unknown to him-you may still administer a semi-cut by saying, "Excuse me," and turning away.

Dear Miss Manners: What is the correct closing on a letter to children of my friends, or maybe to a distant relative I've never met?

Gentle Reader: We all need something between "Love and kisses" and "Respectfully yours," which is why Miss Manners is annoyed to see business stealing away that charming, if not literal, standby, "Sincerely yours."

She would still use that in its proper place, which includes the sort of less-than-intimate personal ties you describe. (Business letters should close with "Yours truly"; can Miss Manners be the only person still alive who knows that?)

But if you insist on something warmer, the usual hedge is "With best (or warmest) regards."

