Ask a Real Live Lady: Is It Safe to Have Oral Sex with Someone Who Has HPV?


Is it safe to have oral sex with my partner who has HPV? The Michael Douglas throat cancer has me paranoid. Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with Nextel Direct Connect

Dear Sent from my BlackBerry(r) smartphone with Nextel Direct Connect,

I am not a doctor. Though, for what it's worth, I spent many years playing doctor with the kid next door. And a few years ago I noticed a mole on my left arm was covered in blood and immediately deduced: "This is skin cancer!" (Later I went to my dermatologist and she was like, "Looks like you scratched that mole in your sleep.") My uncle is a doctor. To conclude: I am not a doctor, but I'm kind of like a doctor. I own a white blazer. Does that make sense?

I'm assuming your partner is a "she" since only women can be medically diagnosed with HPV. Is going down on her "safe"? The short answer is yes. In the same way it's "safe" to make out with her when she has a cold. HPV is the "cold" of sexually transmitted diseases. Sure, chances are you'll catch it. Chances are if you guys have been dating for awhile you already have it. Hell, you could very well be the one who gave it to her. But the probability that it will give you throat or dick cancer is slim to you-have-a-far-greater-chance-of-dying-in-a-fiery-car-crash. Point is: if you're in the market for an "oh dear not tonight" cunninglingus excuse, this isn't it. (Maybe try claiming "hypoglossia"?) Ninety percent of HPV cases clear up on their own within two years. And it's definitely not worth abstaining from pleasuring your lady (and completely shaming her in the process) because someone who played "Uncle Wayne" in Ghosts of Girlfriends Past inadvertently turned a medical rarity into a bonafide news shitstorm. The truth is all adventurous Michael Douglasses have it. "All adventurous Michael Douglasses" = 79% of the sexually active population. Good luck not getting it.

Though there is another preventative solution besides Saran-wrapping your weiner and hiding out in a bomb shelter for your remaining years. You seem young! You own a fancy tech contraption called a Blackberry(r) smartphone with Nextel Direct Connect! Get thee to a doctor and get the HPV vaccine! Make sure your girlfriend gets the shot too! ACTUALLY TELL EVERYONE YOU KNOW TO GO GET THE VACCINE! Oh and do not blindly adopt Jenny McCarthy's stance on vaccines just because she's (kinda) a celebrity! Remember celebrities aren't always right. Even when their intentions are good.

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