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late breaking news bulletin

GHOULISH's picture

vampire pigeons are running a muck people in local parks and school zones are being terrorised, keep your children indoors do not let them go out with loaves of bread they're lives will be endangered, vampire pigeons are killing police just for the donuts in they're cars, they're firearms are powerless against the feathery hordes, refrain from using all bird calls this will only anger them, as of now there is no known cure for the infection they spread, people are being infected and begging for crumbs while making cooing noises, if you see of hear vampire pigeons please do not approach them, they're highly territorial and will attack in flocks, french government aggred to help but saw the danger and then ran away, local supermarkets are being infested they're bread companies refuse to make deliveries, house cats are disappearing from homes and pet stores, the pentagon denies all allegations of ransom demands from leaders of vampire pigeons, vampire pigeons are now peddling vintage hampster porn for 38 crumbs.

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sakbeerslayer365's picture

Large groups of well endowed hamsters are being deployed to help combat the vampire pigeon epidemic.Nicknamed the Ron Jeremy Initiative,these small,seemingly harmless pets with large penises are being used to find hidden vampire pigeon encampments.Their keen sense of smell and uncontrollable mating habits are said to be key factors.For more on this breaking story we send you to our roving reporter and jackalope owner Buster Hymen.

..."If size matters you would think these little guys would be no match for these viscious flocks of bloodsucking avians,but our sources tell us,from secret documents just leaked to members of the media,the sheer number of these genetically,and some would say genitallically enhanced hamsters  have been found to be capable due to their uncanny ability to reproduce to quickly outnumber these vampire pigeons and squeak them to death.More updates when they become available.This is Buster Hymen reporting live.Now,back to our studios"

HatchetGirl's picture

I have no reply except you guys are CRAZY.. LOL!!!!!

GHOULISH's picture

this just in. i opened all the snake enclosures hundreds of snakes poured out and have eaten all the hampsters the world rejoices to see those disgusting little critters dead, all infected humans have gathered they're forces into a massive army numbering into the millions scientists say the virus has evolved turning them into zombie like creatures, the army has settled in central park seemingly preparing to launch a attack on the city people not infected are hiding in nearby buildings making a nuclear strike impossible, u.s. army special forces and navy seal teams code named the wildcats have positioned themselves on roof tops firing at will with everything they have, heavy machine guns mortars and sniper fire are coming from all angles targeting the zombie horde but sadly not even putting a dent in they're steadily increasing numbers, air support by apache helicopters has been denied do to risk of collateral damage the city is under siege and war has begun yet again, i'll report again soon, signing off.

spookyboo's picture

     This just in from CNN. It appears that the "Ron Jeremy Initiative" has failed in many ways.  Although the hampsters were able to breed in countless numbers, several were subject to arial attack and the feline resistance inhibited some confusion as to whether or not the hamsters were truly trying to combat the vampire pigeons, or were just planted moles in trying to acquire information from the armed forces initiative used to combat the Commuter Reactive Avian Pneumonia (C.R.A.P.). Either way, many hamsters and cats have been captured by the vampire pigeons and rounded into P.O.W. camps.  Many are worried about their missing loved ones but it is speculated that the War Cats have better chances of survival, due to their previously enourmous feedings on the enemy.

     After the capture of the leading Hamster General "Sack Daddy,"breeding has slowed to a minimum and the War Cats are at this time refusing to comment on the allegations that the hamsters became victims to friendly fire in combat, much like the infected humans that were eaten.  One thing is for sure at this point, scientists have since proven that the hamsters may have been carrying the once erradicated bubonic plague.  This caused not only illnesses to the deadly flocks that we have been fighting, but also to the Parrots involved in the Windtalker Program and of course, previously uninfected humans from the C.R.A.P.'s virus.

     In an effort to erradicate more complexities in this battle, released snakes have been allowed to eat the hamsters, vampire pigeons and humans also infected with the mutating virus. However, these efforts remain slow to take effect as snakes only need to feed at varying intervals and move very slowly in cooler climates. 

     Meanwhile, the War Cats (including lions and tigers) have joined forces with the U.S. Army efforts and Navy Seal initiative, code named "Wild Cats."  Cats, have been seen not only diving with the Navy Seals but also aiding the U.S. Army snipers in the now secured buildings and bunkers in many cities. One Army General has been quoted as saying "The feline night vision has dramatically aided in tracking suspected nests of the infected, and urine trails they have left behind." 

     As the C.R.A.P's virus has since mutated the humans previously infected, the general public is still warned to stay indoors, blockade their houses, make signs on the rooftops visable to helicopters and to keep a full stock of beer until emergency aide can be made available. Signs of the newly mutated infected humans, have been described as Zombies by some. Symptoms include blood-shot eyes, slurred speach, rising from the dead and an uncanny craving for brains. FEMA currently has made no effort in search and rescue missions, and has suggested that any help made available, may take several months because of the federal budget crisis. 

     Many vigilantes have taken to the streets in order to disable the human zombies, however this is also currently unadvisable.  Previous studies had suggested that zombies may be disabled by successive blows to the head, being shot in the head, decapitation, or by being lit on fire.  Dr. Herbert West of the Miskotonik University in MA, disagrees however, as many of the infected humans he has captured and studied, lacked rational intelligence to begin with.

     President Obama has failed to comment on the War at this time. However Vice President Joe Biden has reiterated the previous suggestions of health officials and news reporters to avoid commuter travel and air travel, as much as possible due to the fleeting flocks that have crashed several aircrafts and helicopters in all populated areas.  It appears the H1N1 virus (also known as swine flu) is no longer considered a pandemic, as pigs have not yet gained the ability to fly.

spookyboo's picture

Prisoners of current C.R.A.P.'s War.  Now listed among the P.O.W.'s is hamster General Sack Daddy:

Sack DaddyP.O.W.Fat CatHamster needs food






Below portrays the effects of the Hamster Bubonic disease and efforts to erradicate it:

Sick Chick 2Sick Chick 1Snake Attack






Sniper Cats an U.S. efforts are portrayed below. Top Secret Pic. of the Night Vision Cats in Bunker(just released):

Sniper AmbushesSniper fireCat Night Vision

spookyboo's picture

The Tigers have joined forces with the Navy Seals and Snakes in destroying the C.R.A.P.'s / Zombie enemy:

Cannibal CatTier Navy SealTiger AttackAnaconda SceneZombie AttackTanks




The below photo is one group of vigilantes who have taken matters in their own hands and plan to make a documentary regarding the battle. Others still await help from FEMA.

Shaun of The DeadDawn of The Dead

spookyboo's picture

Courtesy of CNN, Dr. Herbert West from Miskatonik University works tirelessly to find a cure and understand the C.R.A.P.'s virus.  His studies have been previously been less documentented and held in secret, in order not to induce panic.  He is now willing to be photographed and may be willing to give statements during future requests for an interview. A movie deal is now in the process of discussion.

House on Haunted HillBeyond Re-animatorThe Re-animator






Vice President Joe Biden has finally allowed Fox News and CNN to release pictures of specific plane crashes, now known to be caused by flocking birds. He states that H1N1 is "no longer a concern" but has issued direct safety measures advising against "commuter travel."

Birds cause crash 2Birds cause crash 1Birds cause crash 1

GHOULISH's picture

this just in. british special forces units arrived in new york harbor early this morning to assist american soldiers code named the wild cats in honor of the filine resistance, british tank units are trying to block possible escape routes of infected humans but are severely out numbered they say they're 50 caliber tank mounted machine guns wont hold them forever, british forces are killing hundreds per minute but they just keep coming cnn reports say only 25 percent of new yorks population is not infected putting the infected's numbers well into the millions and climbing, navy seal units have devised i new strategy by throwing c4 charges into crowds of infected and destroying all entrances to subway tunnels halting they're escape, the only way infected can be killed is by completely destroying they're bodies but wait filine resistance leaders have just informed me that they're army is over 3 million strong and preparing an attack. i'll report to you again soon when the cat camando's lead me out. signing off.

sakbeerslayer365's picture

...its total chaos here at CNN towers..I''ve been joined by my esteemed journalist colleague Wolf Bliitzer and we are still trying to get a handle on this escalating crisis.I have been informed that with the capture of General Sack that the Ron Jeremy Initiative has  turned into what some would  describe as a complete failure.His second in command Col. Beerslayer has  ordered a total retreat of the remaining hamster troops in the hope of remounting a huge breeding initiatnve.What this means we dont know at this time..When reached for comment Dr Herbert West simply stated that the hamster plan was doomed to failure from the outset even with the addition of the plague virus.He added..theyre small,theyre stupid and they eat their babies.We are now getting word from the Pentagon that they are now having discussions with the Chinese concerning the deployment of hopping vampires to assist the forces already battling this menace.I now send you to my colleague Wolf Blitzer,inside the CNN towers.

....we have just recieved word from a highly confidential source that the paratrooper team the MILF DIVERS are boarding planes at an undisclosed location armed with incindiary wearons recovered from their last mission at Port Round Brown in Brazil.We believe stealth fighters and smart bombs may be used as well.My inside sources at the pentagon have started to leak information concerning a counter offensive using statues to draw the pigeons into large groups and bombard them with napalm from low flying hang-gliders,but this is not confirmed,Officials from The Butterfly Corporation refused to comment on their involvement dealing with the supposed use of 28 day old zombies in the defence of the White House.The Dharma Initiative is said to be in talks with high ranking government officials on a secluded island concerning their participation in this crisis.Now ..back to your local news sports and weather..this is Wolf Blitzer and Buster Hymen  signing off from CNN towers.


sakbeerslayer365's picture

President Barrack Obama issued a brief statement to the press early this morning stating ; We as a people face a great menace.The very foundation of all that we hold dear,is threatened by the sheer ineptitude of the previous administration.Birds sucking blood and infecting other members of the animal kingdom..infecting us as a people with no  respect for race or creed.Republicans,Democrats and Liberals are all falling to this contagion.It is our job as the citizens of the United States of America to protect our blood and vanquish the enemy that is before us now.I know that certain measures have failed,and we are all saddened by the catostrauphic losses of not only those close to us but our animal friends.Our forces are mounting to combat this terrorist attack perpetrated by our once avian friends and pets.We can not..and i mean not stand divided on this issue.Stay strong America,together we can overcome.I had a piece of chicken for lunch which iI thought would be a strong symbolic gesture on my part.Hamsters are obviously not the answer,racial and political unity are.Iwill say in closing that the talks with the Chinese are going well,but perhaps a bit slower than I would prefer.We are also looking closely at contacting the North Koreans about borrowng some missiles.Thank you and God bless America.


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