

I don't know what to do - please help

(125 Posts)
HelenHuntingdon Tue 24-Dec-13 10:24:25

I'm a long time lurker and very nervous about posting this so please be kind smile

I am very unhappy. I've been married for 3 years and have a 1 year old. My husband and I have been arguing a lot and I'm starting to think he's right and its my fault.
He is cross with me a lot of the time. If I forget to do something or I'm late for something he tells me off. Ill say I'm sorry for forgetting/whatever but he says 'well sorry's no good, just don't do it! I can't understand how you can forget/get wrong the simplest things! I HAVE to tell you or you'd never learn, would you!?'
I tell him that I don't do it intentionally and Ido try to do things right but he says I'm obviously not trying or I wouldn't make so many mistakes.

This morning we had a huge argument after something small like this because I told him I'm fed up of being spoken to like a child, but he said 'oh so I'm supposed to tiptoe around you and never tell you if you're wrong!? Well that's not going to happen - you may have got away with it in the past but you sure wont with me! You'll never learn if I don't tell you!'
I said that this wasnt how we should speak to each other but he wasn't having it. I cried and suggested we should go to counselling but he just said 'You need it! You'll be paying will you!?' I told him that something has to change as the way he keeps talking to me makes me feel like I'm retarded (sorry HORRIBLE word) to which he replied 'well you said it.'

I'm really really trying every time we argue to be fair and see all sides, I never get personal with him (apart from when I said he was being an idiot) and I always admit when I'm wrong.

I will admit I've been behind with the housework and I know I could be much better at lots of things. My daughter is a year old and I had glandular fever just after I had her which I know some people get over quite quickly but I just don't think I have. I BF for 8 months and I didn't have an easy birth/recovery. All things combined ive been very tired and below par ever since I got pregnant really. Which has meant I have been a bit forgetful and slow to do some things, which yes I know is just an excuse and other women manage sad

I'm now pregnant again (14 weeks) and its since I got pregnant that things have been really bad. I've had terrible nausea and I just feel wiped out. I have very bad emetophobia and I'm trying to hide it from him as i think he thinks I'm just being weak.
When I said I was tired once he said 'well I get tired too and I just get on with it' which is true or 'well it's not like you do anything!'
He works very hard and rarely takes a day off so I suppose he is justified to say this.

Last Christmas he didnt get me a gift, he said he forgot but didn't think it was a big deal. I got upset on Christmas morning as I didn't have anything to open and we had a huge row as he was angry with me for guilt tripping him. It was the worst Christmas ever.

This year he said her get me a tablet on the condition that I use it to start some sort of business to make some money back, but I can't have it yet as he'll get it in the sales. So at least I know ill get something.

I don't know what I expect people to say, I just don't have anyone else to talk to and I suppose I needed to write it down. And I don't feel well and I'm tired and lonely sad

Sorry for the huge essay. Anyone who gets this far deserves a medal.

Ps I should say that reading this back he looks like a monster. He's not really. I just don't know what's happened and I don't know what to do.


HelenHuntingdon Tue 24-Dec-13 10:25:01

Ps I know it's Christmas Eve, sorry for being miserable.

doasyouwouldbedoneby Tue 24-Dec-13 10:28:37

A present with conditions attached is NOT a present at all. You still have nothing to open on Xmas day.
I would be tempted to decline the offer of the tablet as he sees it as a money making machine not a gift for pleasure.

fusspot66 Tue 24-Dec-13 10:28:39

he is a monster and he is emotionally abusing you. what a cruel bastard.
it's not you, its him.

myroomisatip Tue 24-Dec-13 10:34:00

He is being abusive. He does not love you.

Please make plans to leave him. You will be much much happier without him.

Speak to Womens Aid, CAB and get legal advice.

Go out today and buy your own Christmas present too.

fusspot66 Tue 24-Dec-13 10:34:29

have a look at the support thread for EA . Sadly there are a lot of shitty men about. and as you will.never please him, stop trying, tune out his noise, and save the little energy you have for the nurturing of your babies and a getaway. honestly, he can't be fixed & you don't have to live like this. Sending xmas hugs x

BIWI Tue 24-Dec-13 10:36:35

It's not you, it's him. I'm sorry you're feeling so unwell - and very sad for you that you can't even confide in the person who is supposed to love and cherish you sad

Enb76 Tue 24-Dec-13 10:37:22

It's abuse, seriously. When you say 'I'm starting to think he's right and its my fault', it's not your fault. You are pregnant, you are looking after a small child, you have a huge amount on your plate.

Don't let it get worse than this. If I were you I would start quietly planning an exit strategy and get the hell out in the New Year.

It will only get worse if you stay. I once you've lost all your confidence you won't be able to leave. Is this what you deserve? 'Cos I think you and your children deserve better.

MadBusLady Tue 24-Dec-13 10:39:43

He is a monster, and it's not your fault. Simple as that. All that's happened is that he's shown his true colours. You haven't done anything to make him behave like this. He chooses to, because he likes having a go at you.

FluffyJumper Tue 24-Dec-13 10:41:47

LTB. Seriously.

gobbynorthernbird Tue 24-Dec-13 10:41:47

He's a shit.

MadameLeBean Tue 24-Dec-13 10:42:15

He sounds awful. Twisting everything to make it your fault, speaking to you like a child and putting conditions on stuff is abuse. LTB

Vivacia Tue 24-Dec-13 10:43:06

Who the fuck does he think he is? Even if you were the most absent-minded, laziest person on the planet it wouldn't excuse him talking to you in this way. What are these things you keep forgetting? I bet it's not that you're lazy or stupid, I bet you're tired, busy and not a mind reader.

I agree with others. Tune him out, shrug off his comments and quietly plan your escape.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Tue 24-Dec-13 10:44:11

I have no useful advice to offer you, OP, there are posters here who do. I would say to you though that your best present - Christmas or otherwise - would be to get yourself and your children away from this man. If he can behave this way to you when you're at your most vulnerable, he can do this to your children too. They don't deserve this and neither do you.

You sound very sad. I don't know what your living situation is but in the New Year, can you either get him out or make plans to leave yourself? Posters will tell you to keep your own counsel until you've decided your plan of action and I think that's very wise.

So sorry, OP, it's not you, it's HIM.

HelenHuntingdon Tue 24-Dec-13 10:45:07

Thank you for your kind replies.

He didnt used to be like this. He genuinely thinks that I just lie around all day pretending to be ill and being lazy. And when he comes in and says the place is a tip or if his washing isn't done and he complains there's nothing I can say as it NOT done, and he says I have no excuse and I have no answer for that as I don't. Just that I'm tired and sad. And if I tell him I'm unhappy then he gets annoyed and says 'oh so I'm a monster now am I?? Well poor old you having to put up with sooo much' and does impressions of me 'pretending' to be tired. And he talks about all the stuff he pays for and it's true, he does as I don't work now.
We live in very remote Scotland and its not economically viable for me to drive to a low paying job and pay for childcare.
I was self employed in a job I loved before meeting him but I had to give it up when I moved here.

Because he was never like this before I don't know what's gone wrong. I think if he could understand how I'm feeling he'd be mortified but I don't know how I can make him see sad

FloWhite Tue 24-Dec-13 10:46:00

Oh dear god. There's so much that's wrong with this scenario. But none of it - NONE OF IT - is your fault.

You are being abused emotionally and psychologically. I don't usually post on threads like these as I'm not as experienced as others on these matters. But this isn't going to get any better no matter what you do because you are human, a new mother, you've been ill AND you're living with an absolute arsehole. Sorry.

Get through the next few days, please tell someone in RL so they can support you and then get in touch with Women's Aid. I will google it in a minute and post the number for you.

FloWhite Tue 24-Dec-13 10:47:21

0808 2000 247. It's open 24 hours.

SillyOldHector Tue 24-Dec-13 10:49:09

My ex-p has the same abusive traits, Helen. After too many years hoping he'll change and the countless arguments we've had I'm now in the process of leaving with my two dc. It's hard but I have had to find the courage to do it and live the life I know I should be living.

You've been through a very hard time and will need a lot of support through your pregnancy, are there any family you could stay with?

goshhhhhh Tue 24-Dec-13 10:49:21

He is a bully. Simple as...

Do go to your GP & do get help. It is not a sign of weakness - but of strength. If necessary don't tell him.

Definitely not you but him

HelenHuntingdon Tue 24-Dec-13 10:50:16

Thank you very much, but I don't want to bother them. Isn't it supposed to be for people getting abused? Like domestic violence? I wouldn't want them to be annoyed with me for wasting their time sad
Sorry if I'm wrong

SandyDilbert Tue 24-Dec-13 10:52:31

you are being abused - just because he isn't hitting you it doesn't mean he isn't abusing you.

You are not wrong, it is not your fault and you did nothing to deserve such awful treatment.

OnaPromise Tue 24-Dec-13 10:55:40

He sounds truly awful.

This aside for the moment, as others have said you should go right away to your gp and tell them everything. There may be something medically wrong. Have you had your bloods and thyroid tested for instance? This is doubly important now you're pregnant again.

Enb76 Tue 24-Dec-13 10:56:02

I think you're probably a bit depressed (I would be living in the middle of nowhere pregnant and with a small child). Living remotely is not working for you, it doesn't for everyone.

I still say that you should leave. At the point where your husband should be supporting you and worried about the fact that you have no energy and are not happy he is doing the opposite and actively making you worse. Please leave.

tribpot Tue 24-Dec-13 10:56:30

Emotional abuse is a form of domestic violence.

The abuse has escalated since you got pregnant, i.e. are more vulnerable. He is plain nasty and has isolated you from support. Please reach out for help.

MadBusLady Tue 24-Dec-13 10:57:38

It's quite common for abusive men to up their nastiness when children come along, because that's often the point at which the woman is trapped - as you are. Moving to very remote Scotland and giving up your job - was that his idea too?

I think if he could understand how I'm feeling he'd be mortified

Nope. You've tried telling him, right? As far as he's concerned, this is the relationship working successfully. You being confused and upset and treading on eggshells is what he wants.

Does anyone have any of those helpful links to the signs of emotional abuse?

MadBusLady Tue 24-Dec-13 10:58:38


HelenHuntingdon Tue 24-Dec-13 10:58:41

Thank you so much. You can't understand how it feels to finally talk about it. He's just left me a voicemail saying sorry for arguing which he sometimes does. I just don't know what to do.
It's not as easy as just leaving as I have no money and nowhere to go. Everything's his, even the car so I don't know how I'd physically leave.
We are living in a static caravan too while renovating an old barn and that is making it more difficult as I can't even go sleep in a different room for a few nights.
Also it makes the place look so much more cluttered as there simply isn't the room for everything to go away with my little girls stuff aswell so it probably does look like a tip every time he comes in.

BarbarianMum Tue 24-Dec-13 10:59:58

<<He didnt used to be like this>>

This is the real him. If he didn't show this side of himself to you before, it's because it would have been easier for you to challenge/leave him. Now you are ill, exhausted, financially dependant and vulnerable he finally feels safe enough to take off his mask.

It is very likely his abuse of you is only beginning - this is a 'testing the water' phase, where he works out exactly how much he can get away with.

He knows EXACTLY how you are feeling. He LIKES you like this. There is only one answer to this and that is to leave.

I realise you are probably a long way from the point of believing this right now but please talk to Womens Aid. It might also be worth you starting to think about how you might leave, if you one day want to. Some secret savings, thinking about where you could move to, which friends and family might help you. Even if you don't want to go right now, thinking about how you could might help you see you do have choices.

Enb76 Tue 24-Dec-13 11:00:34

Do you have any family/friends anywhere? Do you have access to any cash (if not of your own of friends and family)? Can you order a taxi?

HelenHuntingdon Tue 24-Dec-13 11:00:34


goshhhhhh Tue 24-Dec-13 11:01:05

I am going to be kind - as you say he has changed. It may be he is depressed & taking it out on you. However, if you don't do something to change this you will b e stuck in this cycle & so will he. You will also be teaching your dc that this is the way adults behave in relationships. Please do something for you & for your dh & your dc & dc to be.

bunchoffives Tue 24-Dec-13 11:01:14

You are absolutely right Helen, he does speak to you like you're a child. That positions you as having less power than him. Minimising how much hard work a child is - even without glandular fever and pg - is not right or fair. Of course you are tired. He should be doing all he can to help alleviate that.

Being 'behind with the housework' is not fair either. It's not all your responsibility for a start - they are his children too - and he gets to rest when he's not working - so when's your time off?

And a present (bought in the sales so at the least cost isn't exactly flattering is it?) which he expects you to make money from, isn't really a Christmas gift for you is it?

Do you know much about emotional abuse? see here and here

and here

Do you have any friends/family that you can talk to about this in rl too?

I'm sorry but your 'D' H sounds awful and abusive. I think you should start planning to get out of this 'relationship'.

Enb76 Tue 24-Dec-13 11:01:27

Pay no attention to the voicemail - it's easy to say sorry if you're not.

FloWhite Tue 24-Dec-13 11:01:46

Helen if you were posting about this bloke and saying "but I just tell him to fuck the fuck off because it doesn't matter what he says" I'd say fair enough but I'd worry about the DC's in any case.

But you're not. You sound so unhappy and ground down by it all AND HE'S NOT HELPING in fact he's making you feel worse. The bruises that don't show on the skin are every bit as bad as those that do. You won't be wasting anyone's time. And if you're reluctant to tell anybody for fear of the consequences then I'd say even more reason to get help. Even to help you stand up to this fuckwit.

MadBusLady Tue 24-Dec-13 11:02:06

Oh god, you poor love! Having to keep a static caravan with two adults and a baby in it like a show home while pregnant, hyper-emetic and renovating a sodding barn? shock shock

How often do you see/speak to family and friends? Just out of curiosity. Because I think anyone taking an outside view of your life at the moment would be horrified.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Tue 24-Dec-13 11:06:06

He is abusing you - financially, emotionally, psychologically. its called gaslighting. He is one of the main reasons you are ill. Please don't think it won't escalate into physical abuse - it still could.

Have you got friends / family who can help you? Call Women's Aid and start planning an escape. You will need to take all your key documents, passport, birth cents, bank statements, red book, maternity notes. Clear your Internet history.

flowers and all the best to you and your DD.

BarbarianMum Tue 24-Dec-13 11:06:34

Of course he's apologising. That's part of the script - a few pats for you so you think 'oh, he's not so bad' and accept the abuse he's dishing out. Have a rad up on emotional abuse. You'll recognise a lot.

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob Tue 24-Dec-13 11:07:03

Oh sweetheart, you are being abused.

Do you have anyone in real life you can talk too?

You are a grown woman, an adult. You do not deserve to be beaten down verbally by this vile man. Your children do not deserve to grow up seeing their mother spoken to like an idiot.

I know it is hard, I have done it myself, but you need to get out of this relationship.

bunchoffives Tue 24-Dec-13 11:07:20

I know your circumstances making leaving seem very difficult, but we can help you work out the best way to do it. You are NOT trapped. You do have a choice of whether to stay or go.

I know which one I'd be choosing. sad

OttilieKnackered Tue 24-Dec-13 11:07:24

I was all ready to slightly side with him as disorganised people who never get stuff right can be really irritating.

Then I read on and realised you're ill, pregnant, have a very small child, live in a caravan and your dp is an enormous cunt. Get rid.

fusspot66 Tue 24-Dec-13 11:08:00

the 'everything' that you say is his belongs to the family. the car, the money is all family money. there's a benefits calculator website called "" which may surprise you on the support for a single parent with erratic or non existent child support from their spouse. have s look. but use private browsing and cover your tracks on the internet. including mumsnet .

HelenHuntingdon Tue 24-Dec-13 11:10:01

I have always been a really really strong person. If you'd told me 3 years ago I'd be writing this I would have laughed.
I've stood up to him over and over but I've just got no fight in me any more. I've tried reasoning, getting cross, everything.
He has a TERRIBLE role model in his father who treats his wife like a servant, but he always said he'd never end up like that.

I've put on a little weight too recently as I'm snacking on crap to try and stave off the nausea. He sees weight gain as weakness - he's said in the past that he thinks a partner getting fat should be grounds for divorce as they would no longer be the person you married if they didnt have enough self respect to stay slim. To be fair, he applies this to men aswell, but he's unlikely to ever gain weight as he has lots of time and energy to go to the gym.
Plus he's not birthing children.

MadBusLady Tue 24-Dec-13 11:10:03

Don't worry about the practicalities of leaving for now, they can all be sorted. You can get support from the outside world and start making a plan. Just take care of yourself as you take this in, keep posting if it helps and do some reading up for now (unless you feel you're in physical danger at any point obviously, in which case call 999).

MadBusLady Tue 24-Dec-13 11:11:14


Wow, what an utter, utter knob.

I think I'd take him up on that weight gain as grounds for divorce thing though.

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob Tue 24-Dec-13 11:14:25

He has a TERRIBLE role model in his father who treats his wife like a servants


Do you want your son to grow up with the SAME example, or your daughter to expect to be treated this way?

MotherofBear Tue 24-Dec-13 11:15:00

Oh, Helen, I never usually comment on these threads because I'm not a relationship expert, but he IS abusing you. He's emotionally abusing you, which is just as serious, if not more serious, than physical abuse.

If he was a decent, loving man, he would be helping you with anything you're struggling to do or cope with. He absolutely would NOT be blaming you and being sarcastic at you.

PLEASE listen to the advice given on this thread.

I wish you strength

mammadiggingdeep Tue 24-Dec-13 11:15:41


So sorry. My heart goes out to you.

You shouldn't have anybody talking to you like this. End of. How dare he.

He doesn't love you. He is abusing you. Don't bring your children up in this home. Just don't.

Women's aid. Keep posting- the wonderful, wise ladies on here will get you through it.

HelenHuntingdon Tue 24-Dec-13 11:15:43



Thank you.
I don't have anyone to talk to. I don't really have friends here, just acquaintances and my mother can be quite delicate and lives hours away, she often says that knowing I am happy and provided for makes her happy. My sisters been a bit difficult and she always says 'thank goodness I never have to worry about YOU!'

Ps I only go online on my phone and always clear my history, and Helen Huntingdon is a pseudonym - anyone read Tenant of Wildfell Hall? My attempt at a little ironic humour.

ashamedoverthinker Tue 24-Dec-13 11:16:00

Helen Ive been a bit lax with the housework. Im busy with toddler and a school aged child. I havnt even managed to get it pulled together for xmas really. But my DH tells me not to worry and we'll do it at the weekend/whenever...and he works a lot of hours. I'm not pregnant and or ill.

So dont be feeling bad for doing what you can manage. It is at very least unkind to make you feel bad for these things. It is not supportive at all. I think because it is repeated and consistent which is nasty and making you feel this way it is bullying and abusive (well IMO ) as other have said.

Just because someone does good elsewhere (he works and pays for stuff) does not justify being horrible elsewhere (how he treats you).

I hope you can just get through the next few days.

take time to read these replies again
read the EA thread
take time to absorb this alternative perspective being put to you (I think you know anyway just couldnt clarify it in your thinking)
when you have accepted the reality of your situation you need to act.
please reach out in RL

BarbarianMum Tue 24-Dec-13 11:16:16

Meh. You don't need weight gain or anything else as 'grounds for divorce' really. Just not wanting to be married any more is enough.

mammadiggingdeep Tue 24-Dec-13 11:17:10

Ps- you are still strong. Dig deep, find that strength and get your life back.

ashamedoverthinker Tue 24-Dec-13 11:18:22

what about friends or contacts from old job role?

is there any groups you go to?

did you live in a bigger town before?

stowsettler Tue 24-Dec-13 11:19:50

Oh god.

I've read some stuff on here, but this is up with the worst of them.

Please try to find the strength you had previously because you need to leave him, for your own sake and for your children.

You only get one life and your children will only have one childhood.

Women's Aid can help you get away if you have no RL support.

tribpot Tue 24-Dec-13 11:21:23

He's saying sorry because then, if you bring the 'argument' (which was just an attack on you) up again, he can say "but I've APOLOGISED, why do you KEEP bringing it up? Why can't you accept my apology and just move on?"

So the 'apology' is just a tool to make it harder for you to assert yourself. He clearly doesn't mean it, and clearly has every intention of attacking you again.

HelenHuntingdon Tue 24-Dec-13 11:24:54


Omg. That's exactly it. That's EXACTLY what he does. And then it will be my fault for 'going on at him.'
Eureka moment.

cuggles Tue 24-Dec-13 11:26:10

I have never posted on relationships before but you have really got to me op. I agree with every other poster, this is not ok at all and is abusive. Please get some help and speak to someone in rl. I have no other advice as not an expert but remember whats his is yours too and you do have assets and power and can change this situation..and must!! I am very sorry you are going through this and will check back here to see how you are.

mammadiggingdeep Tue 24-Dec-13 11:26:33 saying that when you read it back he 'looks like a monster but he's not really' it again. This is him. It's I'd choice to say those things, treat you that way. It was his choice not to get you a gift last give you one with a condition this year.

He sounds horrendous honestly- I'm upset for you. Just think about it, strangers are upset for you. The person you are sharing your life with isn't upset to be the person doing those things. It's just not right love. Please do something about it. You can't live like this sad

tribpot Tue 24-Dec-13 11:28:27

Incidentally, if you tried to psych him out by apologising first, he would feel quite entitled to go on about it and how wrong you were (which you have 'admitted' via the apology) because "how else can you learn". He's set you up so you can't win.

You say you had a good job before you moved .. whose idea was it to move?

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob Tue 24-Dec-13 11:30:00

Is the new barn conversion in both your names? Are your bank accounts joint?

Don`t worry about your mother, you cannot continue in a crap relationship just to give your mum a false source of comfort. I bet if she knew the truth she would be horrified.

Meerka Tue 24-Dec-13 11:30:05

This is wrong. So wrong.

What an example for your children

what a godawful situatoin for you to live in.

Christ, I hope you can take action and do something before the baby comes. This would be hellish - two small ones in a caravan with a man like this?

All he needs to do is start swinging his fists and he'll be the Compleat Abuser

HelenHuntingdon Tue 24-Dec-13 11:47:03

I'm trying to build up some savings but I don't earn anything any more. I was doing some casual work but due to the nature of the job I can no longer do it now I'm pregnant. Plus childcare took half of the pay anyway, so it was more of a day out than money making exercise.
Everything's in his name because his money bought it.

I don't know how I can get money together. I have about £500 saved up but that's it and once it's gone there'll be no way of getting more.

mammadiggingdeep Tue 24-Dec-13 11:50:42

You're married though so you'll get half of assets...

Would your mum have you to go and live there? Honestly, get out. Get everything you're entitled to benefits wise- get yourself can do it.

mammadiggingdeep Tue 24-Dec-13 11:51:41

Someone wise who knows about benefit entitlements etc will hopefully come along...

mistlethrush Tue 24-Dec-13 11:58:29

He's treating you worse than a servant - servants get paid, they get holidays and they get time off. They have sick leave too.

You really need to get out. Can you ring Women's Aid?

Enb76 Tue 24-Dec-13 11:58:57

Use that £500 to get out. Go to your mum or your sister. They may be useless but they're not as useless as your husband and however they might grumble they are family and will help. Once you are away, then you can sort everything else out.

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob Tue 24-Dec-13 12:13:19

Everything was in my exes name, I walked away with nothing but the clothes I wore when I left.

Ten years on and I am happy and secure and married to a lovely man.

I understand it is harder with children, I really do, but it is also even more imperative. Call womans aid and citizens advice, start the ball rolling.

HelenHuntingdon Tue 24-Dec-13 12:16:22

I really really appreciate everyone's replies. Thank you so so much for taking the time - you've no idea what it means.

I don't think it's as easy as just leaving ATM. I'm going to suggest counselling again and if he refuses ill just distance myself from him. He works so much and usually goes to the gym or something after so I'm practically a single mother anyway. With a bit of luck after tomorrow and Boxing Day ill only have to see him for a couple of hours in the evening if I go to bed early. Then in January I'm spending a couple of weeks with old friends, and although I probably won't tell them about this it'll be nice to get away.

He has already made plans NYE. I asked what we would do and he replied that he was going out with friends in a city around 3 hours away and staying there. I was a bit surprised he hadn't factored me into his plans at all and when asked he said 'well you'll be looking after DD won't you?'
When I suggested that why don't we both stay in then and have a nice meal he said he'd rather go out and made it pretty clear he thought I was being needy to expect him to spend NYE with me. He went away for 2 days last NYE too, leaving me in with the baby. He doesn't think this is an issue.

Reading all this's really not very good is it?

Squeegle Tue 24-Dec-13 12:22:31

He is really treating you horribly. Would you treat someone you loved like this? In my view it's time to start making plans. (And I say this as someone in a verbally abusive/emotionally abusive relationship for years). I often felt things were my fault; that is triggered his anger etc etc.
it is a real eureka moment when you realise that a) it's not your fault and b) you don't have to be like this for ever.

Funny- I have had sympathy from people saying "oh, it must be hard to split up". Without being frivolous, splitting up from my ex and being a single mother is a walk in the park compared to being with him.

Good luck.

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob Tue 24-Dec-13 12:22:33

Counselling isn`t really advisable in an abusive relationship but you have to do what you feel best.

At least you now realise this is not a normal relationship. As for his plans for New Year. hmm

cardiandcrocs Tue 24-Dec-13 12:23:49

Sweetheart. No, it's not good at all.

You ARE being abused. Your bruises are to your self esteem. Please get away from him before he sucks every bit of life out of you.

A huge Christmas hug from me, to your little family of almost 3.

Viviennemary Tue 24-Dec-13 12:25:02

You are getting absolutely no joy or happiness out of this situation. Your DH sounds a miserable being. Everyone goes through bad times but usually there are some happy times as well. I think you should consider leaving if you don't see that things will get any better in future. All this making you feel inadequate is just so wrong and you shouldn't be having to tolerate this.

BarbarianMum Tue 24-Dec-13 12:25:07

Counselling for you - fine. Counselling for you as a couple - not fine. It doesn't work in abusive relationships, in fact a good councillor wouldn't even take you on if they knew the score.

I'm sorry to be so blunt but I'll say it again. He LIKES behaving like this, he LIKES you feeling like this (dependant, weak). He's got a home life he likes (carte blanche to treat you like dirt plus the housework laid on) - why would he want to change.

Go to your friends. Have a break. If they are good friends, tell them about your life, they'll want to know.

tribpot Tue 24-Dec-13 12:26:34

It is strongly advised that counselling is not attempted with an abuser. They manipulate the process and the victim can be left feeling more confused and invalidated than before.

He simply doesn't regard you as an equal partner in life, never mind in love. You're there to cook and clean and bear his children whilst he lives a single life.

Not having to spend NYE with him is a blessing but as an indication of how little you factor in his decision-making it's breathtaking. What if you had plans for NYE, requiring him to stay in to look after dd? (Unlikely given how ill you feel but you are just as entitled to go out for the night as he is).

MadBusLady Tue 24-Dec-13 12:26:50

A good counsellor should refuse to counsel you as a couple once they realise he is emotionally abusive - abusers can simply use the information they learn from counselling to manipulate and twist things further. Both parties have to be seeking a good, healthy outcome for counselling to work, and abusers aren't.

Counselling for yourself, however, is an excellent idea.

Squeegle Tue 24-Dec-13 12:29:13

There is a lot of stuff on the Internet about emotional abuse; and of course mumsnet was a great support to me. The people on here helped me to realise what is normal. I agree re the counselling. You can't help someone who doesn't want to change- and at the moment it's all working rather conveniently for him isn't it?

Sarahplane Tue 24-Dec-13 12:32:19

He's a horrible bully, it's not your fault and he won't change. Just get through Christmas and then start making plans to leave. You and your children will be sooo much happier without him.

Vivacia Tue 24-Dec-13 12:36:15

Your visit with friends - is there any chance you can make that your exit?

Footle Tue 24-Dec-13 13:00:20

Sorry no time to read all but read the original post.
Please get away from him before your little girl is brainwashed into thinking this is normal behaviour, and grows up looking for a man just like Daddy.

HOMEQCRICH Tue 24-Dec-13 13:09:49

9 years I spent in an EA relationship. All of my 30s I had children with him. 9 years of being told I was useless. My hobbies were pathetic. The business idea I had would never work. (It did 10 years of missed opportunity) my fringe looked stupid. 9 years no Christmas presents no birthday presents. I could go on.. the effect on the children the financial abuse.etc etc
I will never get that decade back. Being a single parent is hard but my life is better than I could have imagined.
I could still weep over the wasted time.
you have been given some wonderful advice op please try your hardest to take it. Good luck

Pipachi Tue 24-Dec-13 13:30:49

Like vivacia said, you visit with friends is an opportunity to leave. Please confide in your friends and family. I wish you all the best.

wordyBird Tue 24-Dec-13 13:31:19

I usually try to be tactful, but reading your post, I can't.
What a truly horrible little man.

Can you move back to where you lived before? Anyone you can stay with?

muddylettuce Tue 24-Dec-13 14:41:12

LTB. Seriously. What a dick. He should be ssupporting you right now not putting you down.

ChasedByBees Tue 24-Dec-13 14:57:26

He is horrible OP and I'm so glad you've had a eureka moment. You should speak with WA, even though he doesn't hit you, he is abusing you and they are there for situations like this. If you're married, don't worry about the house being in his name. Seek some advice from a solicitor (I think you have a free half hour). It'll help you get an idea of your rights. Next year could be so much better than this.

Tralalalalaaalalalalaaaaa Tue 24-Dec-13 15:25:44

This is awful!

Why won't you be telling your friends when you go to visit them? Please tell them, let them help you.

Don't let your fear of what your mum would think and her potential disappointment make you attempt to do this on your own. Tell her, get her to step up.

Gather support, don't hide his treatment of you away, it's his shame not yours. I really hope you manage to get out in the New Year.

Would you consider not returning from your time away in January?

XmasLogAndHollyOn Tue 24-Dec-13 15:36:46

I'm so sorry to hear that you're being treated so shabbily. If you're feeling strong enough, I'd seriously consider leaving when you go to see your friends.

No one deserves to be treated like this.

I am glad that you are starting to see things now OP. Even if you do not feel able to leave right now, please do the research into it, so you know you CAN, when you have your lightbulb moment.


You will be entitled to Income support, Housing Benefit, Child benefit and Child tax credits.

You can find out the amount of HB you could claim here. Just type in the post code of where you would be moving to. (Near your mum perhaps.)

Are you already getting Child benefit or are his earnings too high?

As for tax credits, I think they are around £250 per 4 weeks for one child, and around £450 is per 4 weeks for two. But if you go onto this website you will get a better idea.

Being a single parent is financially quite tight, but it will get you back on your feet until you have your new little one, and can get back to some kind of work. You can get help with childcare costs through tax credits if you are working certain hours. He will have to pay you maintenance too.

Hope this helps.

Oh and you would be eligible for the LHA rate for 2 beds, even when the new baby is born.

Wuxiapian Tue 24-Dec-13 16:08:55

Things sound miserable, OP.

Doesn't appear that he really loves you - he would certainly treat you better if he did.

Very sad to hear he's unsympathetic towards your pregnancy, too.

Hope you can make the right moves towards a happier future for yourself and your baby.

HelenHuntingdon Tue 24-Dec-13 18:10:10

Well he hasn't spoken to me. Came home teatime but looking very sulky.
He has taken DD to his parents house and I've no idea when they'll be back.
So I'm sitting in on Christmas Eve alone again (he went out last year) and facing yet another miserable Christmas due to his shitty behaviour. Sigh.

I don't know whether to try and talk about things when he comes back and DD is in bed. He'll probably just say 'for fucks sake can't you just get over it and stop going on' as is his usual stock response.
But if I say nothing then nothing will improve.

Thanks again for all the kind words and practical advice xx

tribpot Tue 24-Dec-13 18:20:44

You can't control this situation. He is choosing to be abusive regardless of what you do or don't do. I would save yourself the breath as I suspect he will just throw whatever you say back in your face later.

The best thing you can do now you have the place to yourself is to put your feet up and rest. Bollocks to tidying up or any of that, just chill out and enjoy the peace.

mammadiggingdeep Tue 24-Dec-13 18:28:03

He'll ruin me t Xmas, and the one after that too if nothing changes.

Try to rest up- put something good on tv and relax, enjoy the break and peace and quiet. Focus on dd tomorrow- that's how you'll get through it.

New year soon...a blank canvass to do with what you want.

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob Tue 24-Dec-13 18:32:04

You cannot reason with unreasonable people. You need to take your power back and retake control of your life.

saggytummy Tue 24-Dec-13 18:33:03

Some men don't realise how hard it is to keep a house ticking over when kids come along, if he is off over the holidays I would grab a chance to get out for the day go for a swim, whatever and I bet upon your return things wouldn't be any tidier and he should see how hard it all
Is. He sounds like hard work to me and deserves a kick in the baubles for no Xmas present til after Xmas

You cannot change his behaviour. He is a grown man who has chosen to abuse his wife.

Please don't stay with him because you are holding onto the hope that he will one day realise the error of his ways. He won't. Infact, this will probably escalate. The abuse will get worse.

Just out of curiosity, who made the decision to move to where you live?

Lavenderhoney Tue 24-Dec-13 18:41:05

It's not going to improve. He seems perfectly capable of organising a wild night out for himself leaving you alone ( again) although I understand this is probably a relief for you. Spending it in a caravan would test anyone, let alone living with this man. He is who he is now- of course he wasn't like that before, they never are.

Can I ask what the plans are when its finished? And when it will be done?

You must tell your friends. Really, you must. They will help you, emotionally and rally round for you.

Is there a solicitor you could arrange to see whilst you are with your friends and they can take care of your dd for a few hours?

My dm used to trot that stuff out as well. She had no idea. I didn't say anything as she was old and could do nothing, and it would cause her extra stress. But I suggest you call her and drip feed a bit, and be honest about how he treats you.

What about your siblings? Would they help? If you aren't working, can you go and stay with them, just for a break? Leave when he is out.

perfectstorm Tue 24-Dec-13 18:56:36

Please call Women's Aid. You are being seriously abused by this man, and the fact he was nice to you until you were totally powerless in the relationship is more evidence he is an abuser, not less.

I'm 8 months pregnant. I've often been exhausted, forgetful, bad-tempered and needed help. DH has given it to me. That's what you do, when married to someone in a condition where they need a bit of extra support and backup for a while.

NYE is disgusting. He's treating you like an unpaid servant, not a wife. And his bullying and undermining of you and telling you you're stupid is just disgusting. His behaviour is abhorrent - reading your posts, he makes my skin crawl.


You're married. That means you need to ask for legal advice, because in England at least you're entitled to a division of all assets starting at 50% but if you're the main carer of young children, their needs come first and the parent with that care is housed and accounted for as the priority, for the sake of the children.

You need to talk to your midwife and your GP about your husband's abuse, and to ask for counselling referrals as an urgent case. Please, again, call Women's Aid. Nobody should have to live this way and your babies should not grow up thinking this is how men and women relate - your husband learned it at home, after all. sad

There is no point in going to counselling with an abuser. It just gives them a new avenue to belittle and manipulate. Counselling on your own, and support from Women's Aid, should be an essential, I think.

He won't change because this is who he truly is when he doesn't need to woo someone. He behaves this way because he thinks he's entitled to, and it makes him feel good. He's spending money on himself, arranging a social life for himself, has a free housekeeper (sod that she is pregnant and full time carer of a baby - ie already working harder by far than he is) and can make himself feel big by making you feel small. Why on earth would he alter a situation so beneficial to himself, given the one downside - guilt, and the death of any true relationship - is clearly not an issue for him?

It's not your fault. It does not mean you are weak. It does not mean you chose this. Abuse can happen to anyone, and it usually happens incrementally and by degrees, or hardly anyone would stay. But you don't need to accept it and it is not normal - it's toxic and abusive.

HelenHuntingdon Tue 24-Dec-13 19:37:40

Thanks perfectstorm. I needed a lot of that.

He came in about an hour ago with child and said nothing to me. It's very rare that he has her, particularly if I don't have anything important to do, but I just decided I needed a bit of space and went for a walk, hence him being left with her (at teatime too, which he was not pleased about). He doesn't do many 'jobs' as such with her, and I can count the nappies he's changed in 17 months on one hand. That's MY job, as he tells me.

Anyway he came in and has said nothing, not even looked at me. I was getting DD ready for bed and telling her that Father Christmas is coming tonight trying to choke back tears whilst he sat behind his magazine ignoring us. I was going to talk to him once she was in bed so that she wouldn't see if it escalated but he's walked out now.

How did I get here? sad

We live here because this is where he lives and where his family business is based, which he will eventually take over, so there is no hope of ever moving. This also means that he works with his father who constantly poisons his mind against women in general and me in particular. I am/was quite a strong independent personal his father had a deep dislike for me from the off.
Whenever his dad has gone on holiday, or we go away from them, everything is magically better. He has always recognised where his dads behaviour is very wrong but doesn't seem to be able to stop himself from sliding into the same rut.

It's so sad.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Tue 24-Dec-13 19:49:58

OP: when I married DW, my brothers told me "We like this girl. If you upset her, we will put your good leg over a kerbstone and hit it with a hammer". It's not an incentive I've needed, but by God your husband is a prime candidate.

This not how normal men behave. "Love is putting someone else's well-being above your own". He doesn't love you, he cannot love you and he will never love you. You are property.

Couple of practical things to do while you prepare to run: get tracking installed on his phone so you know when it's safe to go. Samsung phones have it built in; you just need his password then you can see it in any web browser. Give no clues. Private browsing, but make sure public browsing has plenty of innocuous history: lolcats, recipes, celebs. I know, I know, but he has a fixed idea of you as the "little woman" and keeping his contempt alive is actually safer for the time being. Being floridly ill, or at least pretending to be is a good way to keep him off; abusers don't do compassion so he'll withdraw.

And don't feel guilty. You thought you were swimming with a dolphin, but he turned out to be a shark. Dolphins are company, but sharks we turn into soup.

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob Tue 24-Dec-13 19:50:25

Oh sweetheart, I Know how it feels, truly I do. I was stuck in a relationship,like this for years. But you recognise you are in an unhealthy relationship. That was the tipping point for me, then a couple of months later I just walked.

tribpot Tue 24-Dec-13 20:02:54

You stood up to him this morning and told him not to speak to you as if you were a child.

He's now intent on breaking you so that you know not to do it again. I would imagine he intends to ruin Christmas with this mood. The best defence is to completely ignore his mood. Don't cry. Don't show it even upsets you.

So, what a surprise. You moved to the middle of nowhere to suit his job but now it's your fault that you can't earn money as you did before. Now that you're isolated and powerless, his true nature is emerging.

Chin up. You can escape this. Next Christmas can be different if you want it to be.

HelenHuntingdon Tue 24-Dec-13 20:18:11

Well I just rang him to see if he was planning on coming back anytime soon.
His reply - 'have those shit carols finished?'
Me - 'er... Carols at Kings has finished if that's what you mean'
Him - 'well ill come in a bit. I'm at my parents and they've got people round, it'd be rude to leave now.'

I'm afraid I just hung up then.

It'd be rude to leave someone else's house if they have visitors, but perfectly fine to leave your pregnant ill wife alone on Christmas Eve?
And it'll all be my fault when he does come back. God I'm so unhappy.

Ps RE work, I had basically worked very hard to make a business out of my life's hobby. I loved it and could not see myself doing anything else. When I came here he just expected me to go work in a shop or something in minimum wage for the rest of my life and be happy about it as, as he said, he would do any job if it meant earning money.

I don't mean that working in a shop is a bad job - it's not - it's just id worked so so hard before meeting him to ensure that I'd always be able to work in an industry I loved, and he didnt think that my giving this up forever should be any hardship at all. As he said 'he didn't have a gun to my head, I chose it.'

HelenHuntingdon Tue 24-Dec-13 20:21:38

I wonder now if he ever loved me.

I think he did, at the start. He says I've changed, and that I never want to have sex anymore. I don't really, feeling sick and bloated all the time, or just after a v difficult birth and through early BF, and I doubt he would have either, but I don't think he'll ever understand that. He thinks I'm just being lazy or difficult.

Vivacia Tue 24-Dec-13 20:37:02

So, what are you going to do?

perfectstorm Tue 24-Dec-13 20:41:36

Jesus wept, who in their right mind would want sex with an object like him? I'd rather eat my own vomit. Treating you like a faulty slot machine - he puts a wedding ring in, he gets unlimited sex out - is, sadly, yet another abuser's classic. Frankly, you'd complete most of a bingo card.

Again: he is disgusting, and there is nothing whatsoever wrong with you. I went off sex for over a year after having DS. A lot of women do. I asked my husband how he handled it so well, a couple of years on, and he said, "I wanked a lot more!" He didn't whine or complain because he knew I was just off being touched, and understood why. And my DH is absolutely no saint - we row like anyone else. But we row equally, and normally. He treats you like something he scraped off his shoe.

You made a colossal sacrifice of something very precious to you to be with him. He isn't only ungrateful - he's rubbing salt in that wound. He knows exactly what it cost you to do that, and he wants you in a minimum wage job so he could then tell you that's all you were ever good for. And in a couple of years more, I think you'd believe it. sad

Call Women's Aid while he is out. Please.

tribpot Tue 24-Dec-13 21:16:17

he would do any job if it meant earning money.

Except ... you actually had to go and live in the middle of sodding nowhere so that he could work in his family business. So not 'any' job, in fact, but exactly one job. Your career was irrelevant because (I assume) it's just something women do to pass the time til they get married.

He tells you you've changed because it's unarguable. Of course you've changed, you've become a mother. (He, however, has not become a father). Trust me, if you'd moved with him and stayed childless you would be getting this same stick. Except you wouldn't, because I suspect you would have walked by now if not for your dd.

Can you go and sleep in with your dd so he has no excuse to wake you when he gets in?

littleblackno Tue 24-Dec-13 21:26:41

I haven't read all the thread but seriously, he's a SHIT. If your daughter was being treated like you are would you think it was ok? If not then tell him to fuck off.
Your post has made me quite angry - not at you in any way but that there are men that make women feel like this, because you are not in paid work this is in some way 'inferior' and you owe the family and need to make some money back. He's a twat.
<disclaimer> I used to be married to someone like this he's now an ex and i'm much happier for this.
Look after yourself and your babies.

Mizza76 Tue 24-Dec-13 21:28:51

He seems to be completely contemptuous of you. I can't see that counselling can be an option here. It's an option when 2 decent people have differences and need to work them out. He does not seem decent.
Re: your mother's feelings. If you were my child, I would far rather you were safe and happy than stay with an abusive man to spare my feelings.

helen we care about you and are here to support you.

What you are going through is utter crap and I hope that this time next year you will be able to look at your lovely life and wonder what on earth happened in 2013.

I sincerely wish you nothing but happiness in 2014 and will keep checking in on you tomorrow. Please keep talking to us, we can help.

With love

CarryOnDancing Tue 24-Dec-13 21:59:09

You don't need someone to tell you that you are wrong and how you should better yourself. He's your husband not your parent or lifecoach. A marriage should be about building and growing together by supporting each other. For me, one of the absolute keys to this is to help your partner to remain the person they fell in love with.
Sometimes life throws crap our way and we can be misled because of stress and depression etc. It is the job of your OH to hold your hand and remind you every day why he loves you. He isn't there to teach you a bloody lesson!

Some people get ill themselves watching loved ones being ill as they just so badly want to help them. Instead of supporting you, your OH is holding your head under the water. He is temporarily letting your head rise (by apologising and laying off for a short time) but just when you start to look around and realise that things aren't right, he's pushing you back under with his controlling behaviour.

I'm forgetful but my DH doesn't teach me a lesson, like a 50's school child.

The ridiculousness of it all is that he's trying to dress it up like he's got your best interests at heart. Don't be fooled, if he did he would be putting his arm around you and asking what he can do to help as he can see you are struggling. However, then of course is the idea of whether the things he digs at are genuine issues to start with. It sounds like he's intentionally picking issues to control you.

He clearly doesn't respect you, so he can't love you. He just plainly and simply can't. Loving you in the only way he knows (as taught by his father) is just not good enough. Why should you make exceptions at the cost of your health?
Who cares if the house is tidy when one of you is suffering? It doesn't matter one bit how many toys are left out when one of you is crying inside. He should want to help you out of this but the problem is, this place you find yourself-the one where you are questioning yourself and thinking you aren't reaching the acceptable wife standards-has been created by him. It's pure illusion. Other marriages are not like this. There are partners out there who chose to be together as they want to see the best in the other person AND want to play a part in that.

You know all this because you have had that strength but it's just dormant at the minute as he's forced you to hide it.
You are his equal. Not working doesn't make him better. You have put your work life on hold for your little family. You literally can't do everything and you certainly can't do
everything 100% all the time. Nor should you be "expected" to. You are your own person. The same person you were before he made you forget!

Hopefully you will remember who you are and never let him take that away again. He really is a terrible person. I hope you find happiness soon!

CarryOnDancing Tue 24-Dec-13 22:00:31

Sorry that's so long!! Reading your post has really got to me, it's such a terrible situation. I really should work on keeping it brief though!!

Evilwater Tue 24-Dec-13 22:19:14

Just reading this reminds me of how I thought when I was with my ex.
It got to a point where in a argument of who takes out the bin, my ex would say "at least I've never hit you" and "your a unfit mother, if you don't do..... Ill phone SS and take your son away" "cause they will believe me as I always have more money than you"

He would always, say he was sorry. But of course it's my fault cause I didn't listen or I'm always having fun and not working every single hours like him. "Cause being a mum is a holiday".

I'm now living in rented acclimation, waiting for my money from the house. Please don't think it's you, it's not.

The question is are you happy?

MudCity Tue 24-Dec-13 22:19:14

I'm so sorry to read your post.

I think, as other posters have said, you should go to your GP and tell them everything. They will be able to direct you towards the support you need for YOU at the moment. Even getting help with the nausea and tiredness will help you feel physically stronger and more able to do what you need to do to deal with all of this.

You sound really low so look after yourself. Make sure you eat enough and pace yourself. And, make that appointment with your GP as soon as they reopen (or contact the out of hours service if you need help before then).

Do you think you, or your DH (or both of you) could be depressed? Depression is horrible and can turn people into someone unrecognisable. This is in no way making excuses for his behaviour...far from it...but it does help to understand that this is not your fault.

Do seek help.

Sending you a big hug. xxx

Loggins Wed 25-Dec-13 01:24:54

This Christmas looks shit for you sad Ignore him best you can
You need to remember who you are, how strong you are, its not 'I was', its 'I am'
Stick with that and next Christmas will be great, promise

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob Wed 25-Dec-13 09:05:01

Good luck today op.

ChasedByBees Wed 25-Dec-13 09:21:45

Merry Christmas Helen, wishing you a new start in 2014.

myroomisatip Wed 25-Dec-13 09:26:39

Wishing you a peaceful day too. So sorry to read about what you are going through.

I hope you can find the strength to leave.

HelenHuntingdon Wed 25-Dec-13 10:08:47

Thank you everyone.

Merry Christmas to you all too xx

Meerka Wed 25-Dec-13 10:33:29

Good luck Helen, you've got people thinking of you and wishing you strength and joy of your daughter today

tribpot Wed 25-Dec-13 11:11:06

Merry Christmas, Helen.

Cybercat Wed 25-Dec-13 11:26:28

Merry Christmas lovely. Get yourself through the day and in the New Year get yourself the hell out. This is no marriage and there is neither love or respect here either. You deserve better and so do your children. This is no man you are married too, please dont waste the best years of your life with someone who isnt deserving of you.

Earlspearl Wed 25-Dec-13 12:59:52

I agree get yourself through Xmas and then disappear in the New year.

Even if you don't leave properly in the end, you need to separate for a while so he can reflect on his behaviour.

Maybe you need to present yourself as homeless to the council in the new year?

Jux Wed 25-Dec-13 15:14:41

Yes, get out asap. Make sure this is the last horrible Xmas you have.

Jux Wed 25-Dec-13 15:48:27


DoingItForMyself Wed 25-Dec-13 16:22:54

I don't know if anyone has mentioned this as I've just skimmed the thread, but ask your GP to check your thyroid. The GF and pregnancy could have caused your thyroid to malfunction which can make you feel like you have GF constantly, tiredness, aching and foggy brain etc.

Your h is still an arse but if you can get yourself feeling better you will be better able to make the decisions you need to make and to take care of yourself.

Read this yesterday, and felt so sorry for you being so isolated and having such a shit of a partner. Hope you're ok, and making a plan to get out.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion


Register now