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Arnold and Me (or Twins II) - Part Duo

By: Harlowe Pilgrim

Page 1, Hasta la vista,baby! And other insights from \'The Austrian Oak\'.

Continued from "Arnold and Me (or Twins II) - Part Uno"

"We have so much more to talk about, Arnold."

"That's fine—don't worry about it. I'm not going anywhere."

"Wow, that's really cooperative of you. Thanks."

"Don't thank me, Harlowe. Thank your twisted fucking mind for pretending I'm here in the first place."

"Oh yeah, right. Thank me then, I guess."

"Yeah, I was just thinking, you must have really enjoyed Clint Eastwood's act at the Republican convention, talking to that empty chair, and all of that. It was kind of like what you're doing now."

"Yeah, I thought it was cool; I'm a big Clint fan, like I'm a big Arnold fan."

"Actually, I liked it too, because I'm a big Clint fan, as well as a big Arnold fan. But why did he not use any of his signature lines? Like, Are you feeling lucky, punk? And, A man needs to know his limitations. I would have said Hasta la vista, baby."

"I'm sure you would have worked it in somewhere. I guess Clint didn't talk to you first, Arnie."

"I heard he didn't speak to anybody, first."

"Do you mind if I call you Arnie, Arnie?"

"I wouldn't—or it might be hasta la vista for Harlowe Pilgrim, baby."

"Oh, sorry. Baby."

"And are you sure you're such a big Arnold fan? Have you heard the questions you're asking me? It sounds kind of like you're trying to make me sound like some kind of an asshole …"

"Well, I'm mostly asking you about stuff that's supposed to be in your book. Were you trying to make yourself sound like an asshole when you wrote the book?"

"I wasn't that worried about it. I was only worried about telling the truth."

"And that's why you're out promoting the book, right?"

"Yes, and to sell books, and to veasel my way back into the public eye."

"Veasel means weasel, right?"

"Yes, veasel."

"Okay … so there you go. I'm only trying to help."

"Okay—your apology is accepted. Next question, please."

"Alright Arnold. Now we'll turn to … your career."

"My career? What about it?"

"You're trying to get it cranking again correct?"

"This is correct."

"So, I have some ideas for that. Mind if I run them by you?"

"I don't really mind your suggestions. I'm open to trying different things."

"I've heard that about you, too. So first, I was thinking you could come out with a new line of maternity maid outfits."

"Not a bad idea. I know you're trying to be a smartass, but it my experience, maids do get laid—and when it results in impregnation, they do need something to wear."

"I thought it was a pretty good idea."

"But don't they already make maternity uniforms?"

"Sure, somebody does. But none of them have your name on them."

"This is true. With my uniforms, it's like having Arnold all over you."

"There you go … who wouldn't want that?"

"Nobody wouldn't want that; I'll talk to my people, and get the veels turning. Okay, what else?"

"Uh … veels are wheels, right Arnold?"

"Yes, this is what I said: get the veels turning. Now, what else?"

"Okay. How about … a line of Arnold fertility clinics? I can hear it now: We're here to KNOCK … YOU UP!"

"Ha Ha, very funny. I could be talked into that one; I like the tag line."

"Good. I was also thinking of a special line of metallic-look Terminator Cyborg condoms, maybe with a glowing red eye in the tip."

"Nah, I don't really believe in condoms; I never use them."

"Well Arnold—I know that, and you know that—and everyone else knows that now—but that doesn't mean it couldn't sell. Just give it some thought, okay?"

"You have my word. And that word is no—I think I'm going to pass on that one."

"How about a sex toy, called the Governator Masturbator? That could be a success."

"Nah, I don't want a bunch of people going blind and blaming me for it. What else?"

"Another film project would be good. How about a Wizard of Oz remake, where the wicked witch sends a homicidal robot back in time to kill Dorothy."

"And Toto, too?"

"Yeah, and her little dog, too."

"Can the vicked vitch be someone grope-able?"

"Well, yeah! We're not casting any ugly bitches in your movies."

"I thought we were talking vitches."

"We were. Witches."

"Okay, I'm sold. I'll have my people call some other people, and make it happen."

"Cool. I'm glad you're into my idea."

"Yeah, great. Is that the last one, or what?"

"Almost; I have on e more good one."

"Okay, what is this?"

"What if you started a singing career? I remember the scene from Twins, when you were on the plane, singing Yakety Yak. That was memorable."

"Yakety Yak—Don't talk back! Ah, the good old days. Danny Devito was one of my hottest co-stars."

"He was? Hotter that Brigitte Nielson, when you filmed Red Sonja?"

"Yes. He was always very warm. And vicked funny. "

"So you like the singing career idea?"

"Maybe. To tell you the truth, I've always wanted to try rap. Vord to your mother."

"Uh … that's word to your mother, right Arnold?"


May Be Continued …

-Harlowe Pilgrim



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