Legend of the Lo Mein Sex Doll: Grossest Roommate Story Ever Told

What you are about to witness is the beginning of an urban legend.

Refinery29's Peter Kassel found a great, cheap sublet. "Did someone die in here or what?" he marveled. "No, nothing like that," his prospective roommate replied. "But something did happen."

He then described the previous subletter, a loner who ate Chinese takeout in his room every night, with the door shut. One day, the roommate went in the room while the subletter was away:

Neatly piled into stacks were Chinese food containers, some 10 boxes high, some already toppled, with their half-eaten contents strewn on the floor. The cartons covered all the available area on the floor except for a narrow walkway to the bed and the desk.

That is not the gross part. The gross part:

Then he saw the boot.

Doug leaned over to pick it up, knowing what the contents were before his fingers even made contact. Spilled out from the tops were strings of Lo Mein noodles, and hard pieces of dried rice. Doug was sure he could see crusted-over mounds of meat and hardened sauce. Sickened, Doug sat down the shoe, and as he did so, he noticed a shadow in the shape of a human body beneath the twin bed.

With absolute trepidation, Doug lifted the bed and slid it a few feet away, knocking over a pile of takeout boxes. What he uncovered wasn't—to his immediate relief—a real person. But it was a person's shape, with a hooded sweatshirt attached to gloves and a pair of jeans, with the other boot tucked into the leg. Coming out of the seams were remnants of noodles, rice, and meat, grease stains pooling through the fabric and onto the floor, spoiled scraps of food filling the hoodie to the brim. Doug scanned the body—and…yep, there it was. Noodles oozed out of the unzipped fly; a glory hole that Jack had ostensibly been taking advantage of all spring long.

"What are you doing in there, Jack?" "Oh, nothing, just noodling around."

I doubt much of this story; Peter Kassel has already admitted to "misremembering" one detail. But, as is the case with all good urban legends, the truth is beside the point. What matters is that, in this perverse world where every putrid gross-out story and foul sex act has been richly documented and taken to ever-filthier levels in dark corners of the internet, I have never in my wildest nightmares imagined a lonely man humping a greasy, split-crotched lo mein sex doll in a festering fortress of half-empty takeout containers. This is a tale that only the sickest of minds could dream up, and for that, I hereby name it the Grossest Roommate Story Ever Told. [Refinery29 via Runnin' Scared, image via Shutterstock]