Title: Baby Talk

Author: Phoenix Kaen

Summary: Joey has become a dad. When his baby daughter grows up to become a young women, it is time for him to give her the birds and the bees talk but how is he going to do that when he was never given the talk himself? Only slight MaixJoey

A/N: This fanfic is called Baby Talk because the guys still sees their daughters as babies. In my opinion, that is very sweet. The story starts off with Joey because in my opinion, he makes a funny dad.

Disclaimer: Kazuki Takahashi owns the Yu-Gi-Oh characters.

Chapter 1: Joey's Way

"She's growing up, Joey. It's your responsibility as a dad to tell her about the birds and the bees," Mai said, crossing her arms. She was sitting across from a queasy looking Joey. Who can blame him? Mai had just told him that he had to do something that proves that his little Maiko has grown up. It was funny in a way. After all, Joey had always remembered Maiko as the little girl that would run to him whenever she was sad or scared. He had never really noticed that she was, in fact, growing up to be a beautiful young lady. That's probably what's so scary to him, the thought that his little angel was gulp a woman.

"Why do I hafta do it? You're her mom. You're better at this stuff than I am," Joey said nervously. He was looking away from Mai as he said this.

Mai was mad. "Joey! I already had to explain that her monthly blood flow didn't mean that she was going to die. It's your turn now!"

"Mai, why don't you just stab my heart with a knife? I didn't need to hear about her monthly...thing," Joey said, covering his ears with his hands.

"That thing is called menstruation," Mai said. Joey made a disgusted face and stuck his tongue out. "As I was saying, I gave her the period talk so you give her the sex talk. End of discussion." She got off the couch and walked into the bedroom. Joey was all alone in the living room now. He was grumbling about his socially active daughter.

I wonder where Maiko is all the time.

"Daddy..." Maiko said to her spaced-out dad. He was still stuck in his thoughts. She better not be with any boys. If she is, I'll kill those boys. No wait I'll lock her up in her room first then I'll kill those boys. Nobody touches my princess.


Oh, but she's a teenage girl. She'll find a way to get out of the room. Probably crawling out the window or something...Come to think of it, she's been looking at Seto Kaiba alot especially in those girly magazines. That asshole...He better not touch my daughter...Or I'll...

"DADDY!" Maiko finally succeeded in snapping her dad out of his thoughts. The latter looked surprised at the appearance of his daughter.

"Maiko! How long have you been there?" Maiko sweatdropped. She sighed while smacking her forehead.

"Dad, I've been here for a while. You were spacing out." Then her face turned serious. "Daddy, mom said you had something important to talk to me about?" Joey involuntarily flinched.

"Right...Something important..." He trailed off. "First things first, tell me where were you today?" He sounded serious. His daughter sighed and answered him plainly. "I was at the Kaiba mansion, daddy." Joey's jaw dropped. She furthered her explanation. "I told you, remember? I had to do a project with Haru, Mr. Kaiba's daughter. Oh, by the way, Haru-chan says hi." Maiko purposely forgot what Kaiba's message to her dad was. She never understood why the two of them couldn't get along.

"Oh, right. heh," he let out a sigh of relief. "S-so how is your project coming along?" He wanted to buy himself some time. After all, the sex talk wasn't exactly something a person can rush into, especially when a person has to explain it to their kid.

"It's great but Haru-chan is so lazy. I wish she was more like her dad. He works so hard. I'd like to be like him." She smiled, sitting down on the couch. The nervous blonde man sat beside his daughter. He wished the exact opposite. He didn't want Maiko to start wearing trenchcoats and start challenging Yugi to duels.

"That's good," he said, playing with his fingers. He cleared his throat several times while Maiko looked at him curiously. Joey thought that she was growing to look more like her mother. She had his brown eyes though. She was beautiful. He smiled. Just like her mother. The thought almost scared him. Pretty soon she's going to be getting married and having babies of her own. While he thought this, she was smiling at him. He sighed sadly. Then she's going to leave me alone. I'll still have Mai but it won't be the same without Maiko. I remember when she used to cheer up whenever I give her ice cream. No matter what the problem was, a bowl of her favorite sherbet ice cream would cheer her up. As he walked down memory lane, he had on a blank look and a nostalgic smile.

"Okay, I'll come back when you're finished," Maiko said to him. He still wasn't paying attention. She moved to the kitchen to get herself a bowl of ice cream.

"Whatcha' doing, mom?" Maiko asked Mai. The latter was sitting at the kitchen table, reading a magazine while absentmindedly tasting her ice cream cone. The Wheelers were ice cream people.

"Oh, just relaxing, honey," she said without looking up. "How's your talk with your dad?"

"Unproductive. He keeps looking at me and spacing out. Then he smiles when there's nothing to smile about. It's kind of creepy," she said, searching in the freezer. She reached her hand in further and frowned. "Aw, no more ice cream." She pouted.

Mai threw down her magazine. "Joey," she growled. She marched into the living room where Joey was still walking down memory lane. Mai smacked him on the side of the head. He came back to reality.

"OW! Whatcha' do that for?" He asked with irritation. He nursed his aching head.

"You are supposed to be giving her 'the talk' and you're in here daydreaming!"

"I wasn't daydreaming. I was thinking about when she was this high," he said, demonstrating with his hand. "Now she's this high." He lifted his hand higher into the air. Mai's face softened. Her hands lowered from her hips. She sat beside her husband and held his hand.

"Joey, I know that you're sad because it seems like she's growing up so fast." He looked down sadly. "I feel the same way, too but you're going to have to let her go sooner or later. Though right now all you have to do is explain to her about the birds and bees. You don't have to let her go yet." Mai said softly, squeezing his hand.

He looked up. "Are you sure we can't hypnotize into her thinking she's five? I've been watching stuff like that on TV. I think I can do it. All I need is a yo-" Mai pressed a finger to his lips and shook her head. He looked at her and sighed.

"Okay," he said simply. "I'll go talk to her." Mai kissed him before he got up. He knew exactly where Maiko was. He didn't have to have psychic powers to know that she was hungry.

She was sitting at the kitchen table, licking yogurt off a spoon. She looked up to see her dad enter. "Hey, dad. You want some yogurt..." The yogurt dripped off the spoon. He smiled. He knew she wanted some ice cream. It was almost like a tradition for them to enjoy ice cream...together. Just the two of them. That's their favorite pastime. "I think mom ate the last carton."

Joey blushed and nervously rubbed his neck. "Heh Right. Mom...Uh...Listen, Maiko I wanted to talk to you something important...That is..."

"Go ahead, daddy. I'm listening," she said, looking innocently at him. Innocent, that's how he wanted her to stay forever. His innocent little girl. His eyes strayed from her eyes to the small yogurt container.

"Maiko, if you promise never to get married and grow old with your mom and me. I will promise to buy you ice cream every single day. Deal?" He said all too quickly.

"JOEY!" Mai yelled angrily. Maiko's face brightened.

"Okay, daddy!" She agreed excitedly. She jumped up and down like an excited toddler. "Thank you, daddy!" She gave him a crushing hug. He patted her head.

"You're welcome, Maiko. Now if you'll excuse me..." Joey said and ran out of the kitchen door. Mai ran after him. Maiko stared after her parents. The both of them were running around the house. Mai chasing after Joey.

Yugi, Atemu, Anzu, Honda, Ryou, Otogi, Malik, Isis, Rishid, Shizuka and Bakura stared at the running pair. They were all getting out of their cars. Evidently, Joey and Mai forgot that they invited their friends over for lunch.

"Uh...Should we help him?" Yugi questioned.

"Why? It's funnier this way," Bakura said, smirking.

"Go get him, Mai!" Malik cheered on. The others sweatdropped.

A/N: Ah! I love writing humor fics like these. It takes the stress out of my daily life and I love making people laugh. I hope this was funny. Maybe it would've been funnier if Maiko was younger but for some reason I wrote her to be around 13 or 15 years old. Um...Originally, I wanted to write a collection of one-shots to show how the male characters explain the birds and the bees; it probably would've taken more time. If you ask nicely, I might actually write more. If not, please review this one-shot and you can be brutal.

As for the future, I am going to be writing a lot of parodies...I hope you'll read them. There's going to be a parody of horror movies, teenage dramas and assassin fics that features Mai and Ryou, an unlikely pair. No, they won't be a couple. They'll be mercenary partners and will have to follow the 'rules of assassin fics'.