Maternal generosity is a problem for daughter

October 15, 2012|Ask Amy






— Upset Mother

Dear Upset: Let's imagine that your first daughter doesn't care about the money, but that she does care about her sister. She may see your financial support as "enabling" rather than as an expression of need-based generosity.

The daughter that receives help from you has the less stable life. Your financial support leaches down to her own children, who also have unstable lives. It's hard to know which came first, your support or the instability. But this is a tough question that you should honestly explore.

How many mom-supplied automobiles does this family need? Surely your financially stable daughter wonders about this. She might be quite frustrated that your loving support may actually be holding this family back.

She might share this new perspective with you if you ask her, but, until then, it is your money and your right to make choices about how you want to spend it.

Dear Amy: I am 12. I broke a large sprinkler in my backyard. It's in a part of the yard that no one really goes to, but it slowly drips. It has been doing this for over a year now, and if my parents find out I'll be in huge trouble. Help!

— Guilty Kid

Dear Guilty: I'm talking to you as a mom. Fess up. Your folks will be annoyed, but don't wait another day. Tell them now.

There are some things you can't get around, and so it's better to confess, throw yourself on the mercy of the court and hope that your folks decide to keep the consequence proportional. This was an accident, and they will be most upset over the fact that you delayed your disclosure.

Even a small and steady drip can release a lot of water, certainly over a year's time. Your folks may notice that their water bill has increased (if they pay for water) but do not know why. This leak could also damage the yard and affect the rest of the system.

You sound like a good kid. You're going to see that it feels best to tell the truth

— quickly — because otherwise it eats away at you.

Dear Amy: Your advice to "Anonymous in New England" was way off. This 16-year-old said she and her boyfriend were having sex. She said they were being "safe." Duh, Amy. "Safe" means they are using birth control. And if they are both virgins, they don't need STD counseling. So why the lecture from you on teen pregnancy? Honestly, you are so judgmental! Leave it alone!

— Disappointed

Dear Disappointed: "Safe" doesn't translate to "birth control" for me. "Safe" might mean this couple uses a condom, but it might not. I don't think a 16-year-old necessarily knows what is or isn't "safe," which is why I suggested the couple receive professional advice from Planned Parenthood.