There's a missing person in Storybrooke! And while the helpless victim presumably bleeds to death alone in the cold forest, the exiled fairytale people spend the rest of their time hatching full-grown men out of eggs.

This show has officially splintered into two entirely different shows, in different genres: A wacky children's series where women float through the air in giant pink dresses, and another quasi-period drama about people who hate "harlots." Spoilers ahead...

First up, to everyone who shouted at me last week for calling Storybrooke a collection of "self righteous assholes," what do you have to say now? Some people accused me of being too harsh towards the good townspeople of Storybrooke, and that the only citizen who truly cared about Snow White's affair was the Mayor (due to the tell-tale red paint can) and Red Riding Hood's Grandmother. But last night, Storybrooke showed its true colors — and it was an ugly shade. Almost the ENTIRE TOWN turned its back on Snow for canoodling with a man that no one knew, and for breaking up a marriage the entire town was oblivious to until Emma showed up. I've been a part of a small town, and yes this sort of thing does give them something to talk about — but no one would leave a gaggle of hot nuns homeless over this twaddle. No One.

Once Upon A Time is like a Velveeta enema

But, sure enough, over 10 people quit volunteering to sell candles FOR NUNS because of this nonsense, and even told her she was a tramp. What a delightful little place. So Snow White is up shit creek and needs to sell a ton of candles for the village clan of ridiculously hot nuns. Enter one Grumpy the dwarf. Together the "town drunk" as he calls himself (although I've never seen him drunk) and the town slut hit the road, hawking candles.

Meanwhile the entire fairy tale flashback is dedicated to the star-crossed love between a fairy and Grumpy the dwarf (played by the helplessly charming Amy Acker and the nose-boop-worthy Lee Arenberg, respectively). Technically it's all about Grumpy's (previously named Dreamy) origin story, which includes him hatching out of a giant egg, fully dressed, with beards. See, dwarves are hatched and immediately put to work. They don't get married (or fall in love) because they love their jobs in the diamond mines, uncovering and crushing diamonds into fairy dust. That is a real sentence that I as an adult had to type.

Once Upon A Time is like a Velveeta enema

While in the fairy dust mines (no seriously) the two fall in love and decide to run away together. The whole thing is so horribly darling, it's like watching two "precious moments" dolls do it. But their love isn't meant to last because the head fairy and the head dwarf pop up just in the nick of time to tell Dreamy, "No." He listens, and becomes Grumpy. The end.

Once Upon A Time is like a Velveeta enema

And in the real world, Prince Charming's ex-wife was either murdered, lost, or bleeding to death in the woods, after her car was discovered on the outskirts of town. Ah, balance.

Emma runs off with the reporter to play "world's worst detective," almost immediately you see where this whole thing is gonna go. Prince Charming is going to get blamed for her disappearance. More terrible sleuthing is done and everyone decides that the Ex's phone records are the only clue as to what happened to the young lady. It was really hard to take any single part of this storyline seriously because, well, blue fairy cleavage.

This show has absolutely no idea what it wants to be, and usually I can clap and scream and wax on about how the whole cheeseball effect is like some sort of hilarious Velveeta enema, but it's getting hard to take real jeopardy seriously, when Dopey from the actual Disney Dwarves is a part of the cast.

Perhaps this show is much more enjoyable when it's shooting for darkness, killing off skinny hipster sheriffs and turning nice young couples into puppets. While Amy Acker is a delight as the clumsy, sweet fairy, it's hard to root for her happiness when I just watched her boyfriend hatch from an egg.