Have you ever slapped your DH?

(129 Posts)
MrsW0931 Wed 04-Dec-13 14:33:16

and if you did, what was the reason and exaclty how did your boyfriend/husband react?

foslady Wed 04-Dec-13 22:54:09

I slapped my 1st xh once (when we were married). He was supposed to have finished work on time to take me to the dentist. I had to have a tooth drilled away, my gum cut open, a wisdom tooth extracted, the gum sewn up and the tooth back filled. The dentist started at 6 and finished at 7:30. I was in agony and was not allowed to drive. Xh still hadn't turned up at the dentist. The dental nurse drove me home and he'd just arrived home with a mate that had dropped a car off and then he had to drive him back. I was in agony. Almost in tears I asked he why he hadn't been there. He just told me to stop moaning, my mum had taken me up there and I was home now. We went into the kitchen and I put the kettle on. He kept on saying that I was being a drama queen (I wasn't, my mouth was a mess and I was off work for a week, on strong pain killers and had to ring in to the dentists so he could check I was ok). As I bent down to get the milk out of the fridge the pain hit as my head went down and I cried out. Again I was told to stop moaning. I stood up, turned round and slapped him across my face. I then cowered. He didn't hit back. And I was very upset that I'd lowered myself o that point and not just walked out.
A week later I found out from the friends mum that the friend had braced himself to beat shit out of xh if he'd laid a finger on me

MrsW0931 Thu 05-Dec-13 12:52:29

thanks for sharing foslady, the reason i ask is because me and my DH had a huge argument which ended with me slapping him (which i now regret as my 2 children were present) but his response was to stand up ,threaten me not to EVER hit him again and then push me over (there was a toy box and kids drawing table behind me which i fell on and then on to the floor - all in front of the kids. I was horrified and couldnt believe my children had witnessed this and immediately proceeded to call my 5 year old back who had ran out of the room crying. to let them know i was ok.
After the argument blew down he was apologetic and said he only reacted that way because i hit him and asked me not to hit him again and I know now that i never should have hit him but now cant stop from thinking that a man should never be aggressive to a woman no matter what she does and he was. the anger in his reaction was scary to see. I dont want to be in an aggressive relationship and i will never let my kids witness that again as i will make sure i never retaliate to him infront of them but am i stupid for accepting his apology and moving on from this or am i just as bad as him?

MrsW0931 Thu 05-Dec-13 12:53:22

ps what happened with you and your husband? - from your first line i presume you are no longer married?

RayPurchase Thu 05-Dec-13 12:57:33

Tbh, I think he was justified in pushing you away - you slapped him. If he had punched/ slapped you back then it would be different IMO. Why is it ok for you to hit him but not ok for him to react to it?

TheBreastmilksOnMe Thu 05-Dec-13 12:59:24

It was a horrible, traumatic thing for your children to witness and they will probably need a lot of reassurances from the both of you. Never, never argue in front of them again, it is so damaging but I think you know this.

I do believe you shouldn't have slapped him. What right have you to lay a finger on another person and not expect a retaliation. Both of you are in the wrong. Just because he is a man why should he have better control over his reactions than you?

You were both wrong to fight in front of the children. You now have work to do together to make sure it never happens again for both your sakes and especially your kids.

MrsBungleScare Thu 05-Dec-13 13:01:59

Having spent my childhood witnessing violence between my parents, you really really need to sort this out - both of you. Both of you were in the wrong, the affect on your kids will be devastating. In answer to your question, I've never hit dh and he's never hit me - the day either of those things happened, I'd assume our marriage would be over.

Of course men shouldn't be violent to women.

But women shouldn't be violent to men either. You cannot think that he should be able to control his emotions but it's acceptable for you to use violence in an argument.

Is this the first time this has happened? Is he normally aggressive? Or was this the first time?

Have you apologised for hitting him? You talk about accepting his apology, has he accepted yours?

I don't agree about not arguing in front of them, children need to learn how to disagree and that sometimes mummy and daddy disagree but it doesn't mean they don't love each other or them.

But physical violence is never the answer. Ever.

LeBearPolar Thu 05-Dec-13 13:09:29

"a man should never be aggressive to a woman no matter what she does"?

But it's OK for you to be aggressive to him?! hmm The double standards here are just breath-taking.

It sounds as if you both need to discuss anger management if you are unable to control your tempers to the extent that you have that fight in front of the kids.

TheBreastmilksOnMe Thu 05-Dec-13 13:22:11

Godrest but this wasnt a disagreement that was controlled and 'educational'! This was a full-on argument that probably involved lots of shouting which ended in both parents losing control of themselves and getting physical!

No child should have to witness their parents physically hurting one another.

Didn't I say that? No, I guess I didn't.

That's what I meant. I think even loud arguments are okay, actually. But the out of control hitting is not, for sure.

Well, no hitting is okay. But I don't think a child witnessing shouting is bad.

I am not saying this well at all. I'm very tired and I think I'll just leave it there.

SilverApples Thu 05-Dec-13 13:31:07

But if I had done, he'd have walked off. He might not have come back.
Physical violence is completely alien to him.

Ifcatshadthumbs Thu 05-Dec-13 13:38:29

I think you are as bad as he is tbh. Why the hell should he put up with violence from you in front of the children?

AdoraBell Chile Thu 05-Dec-13 13:38:31

I haven't, but if I did I would fully expect him To stand up for himself and say what your DH said. I would be upset at the pushing, that was unecassary, but then so was hitting him in the first place.

Both of you were wrong. I would imagine his anger came from realising the person who claims To love him had just hit him.

Obviously that's my take on the situación, I don't know what you feel towards your DH, but I do not believe that people who actually love someone resort To violence against the person they love.

Ephiny Thu 05-Dec-13 13:38:38

No I have never hit DH, and he has never hit/shoved me. I haven't had a physical fight with anyone since I was a small child. This is not normal or acceptable adult behaviour, even when you're angry or upset.

I think you both need to have a good think about how you've ended up in a situation where you're being violent to each other, especially in front of your children, and where you go from here.

MrsW0931 Thu 05-Dec-13 13:43:19

Thanks for your messages, i am fully aware i shouldnt have slapped him so i take all the comments on board about this. i just wanted to get peoples views on his reaction - if you think well he just retaliated and i should accept that. or if he should have walked away and not pushed me as he is obviously a lot stronger than me - hes a foot taller and could over power me easily. i do not intimidate him at all and my slap probably didnt even hurt one bit. (please note here that i am not saying what i did was ok).

MugOnTheHead Thu 05-Dec-13 13:43:42

No but I did break a mug on his head. He started it.

Ifcatshadthumbs Thu 05-Dec-13 13:44:12

I thinks it's abit concerning that you have established yourself as the "victim" in all this

Ifcatshadthumbs Thu 05-Dec-13 13:45:40

Ideally he should have walked away, ideally you should have not hit him. Your behaviour was equally bad. I don't understand why you feel his actions were somehow worse than yours

Doshusallie Thu 05-Dec-13 13:48:13

No. I think I would be the beginning of the end for us tbh. Believe me we have both felt like it I am sure, had raging arguments (in hindsight mainly due to sleep deprivation, resentment in the early baby years) but I know he would never hit me and I would never hit/slap him. Been married 13 years and together for 22.

DrankSangriaInThePark Spain Thu 05-Dec-13 13:53:23

I did it once. To my shame. Not with dp. With someone else.

I did it in front of a bar full of people and the silence was deafening. To his eternal credit he simply walked away.

We sorted it out, but I was wrong wrong wrong to do it.

I don't think your husband should have retaliated the way he did. I think as pps have said, you both need a long good look at the relationship.

Ephiny Thu 05-Dec-13 13:54:31

I agree he should have walked away instead of pushing you. I don't blame him for being angry, though. You don't get to go around slapping people and then be all shocked and horrified when they get angry.

You both behaved badly here. You both need to have a think about how you're going to manage your anger and your disagreements in the future without things escalating into violence. Your victim mindset is not helping you here.

Nevercan Thu 05-Dec-13 14:11:28

What would you do if someone slapped you....?

SilverApples Thu 05-Dec-13 14:14:13

yes, he's bigger and stronger than you. Presumably if he'd lost his control and slapped you back, the damage would have been considerable.
He pushed you away after you'd assaulted him.

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