gusy point of view?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2006
gusy point of view?
Sat, 01-30-2010 - 3:41am

I've posted this on other boards here, but think a guys opinion might be good for perspective. The long of the short. Husband left himself signed into Facebook one night. I assumed it was my account as I always do this and he always logs out. I went to check what i thought was my email and there was a message from a girl he dated 13 years ago who he is friends with on fb. I read it, no i shouldn't have, but the heading line made it hard to ignore. She went into great detail about wanting to do sexual things to him. etc etc. He didn't respond. there was another in the tread from her saying "sorry I was drunk."(which in my mind at nearly 30 is no me when you do things drunk you are a lot of the time acting out feelings you really have..and your inhibitions are down you go for it) he responded "yes it was inappropriate but flattering" which annoyed me but he is nice to a fault and doesn't like to hurt people...and honestly felt it a bit flattering. I cant fault that i guess who wouldn't be right? Just annoyed me he wrote it out:) So, then there is a second email from her that was dated a few weeks later saying I know this is inappropriate, but....sexual crap, i cried when i heard you got married, why didn't you marry me, etc. etc. He never responded to it.

My bad, i did not say anything to him about these emails for a few months. I bottled it up, and finally let it out because i began to feel uncomfortable around the situation. She started iming him on Facebook...etc. It just made me uncomfortable. I told husband it made me uncomfortable, i guess hoping he would eliminate contact with her. he did for the most part take suggestions i had we talked extensively about it...I took away from it that she probably had some feelings for him and that suggested he be careful around her feelings, that certain things he could say which he might not think twice about she may misconstrue, etc. he agreed with me on this.

So fast-forward to a few days ago.She had started making a few comments that i recognize not having read those emails from before i would have thought nothing of them, but she had sent those emails so i did. HE had posted something about "my fine is xxx$" she posted something like you shouldn't streak in blah blah city" which was fine odd coming from an ex but fine. the next one he said that he had been revamping his resume and she said "don't forget to add the time you worked for the male review. I'm positive that would get you any job." again. not a big deal, except there is this sexual underlining that made me uncomfortable. I expressed this to my husband that it did make me uncomfortable. He said "if you want to say something to her you can, but i don't get what the big deal is"

I guess my question is: was it an overreaction on my part to be bothered by these comments? to me it seemed like she was crossing lines. maybe she wasn't? I am fully willing to accept that it was an overreaction on my part to be bothered by these comments....I guess it also bothered me that he didn't see the sexual undertone again..maybe I just put that undertone there. I dunno> i think what bothered me the most was the fact that when i expressed that it bothered me, he seemed to think I should be the one to say something not him...which made me feel i dunno second best i guess? like my feelings didn't matter...So what would you guys have taken from all this? if you were in this situation would you think your wife was overreacting? I'm ok with brutal honesty. thanks:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2007
In reply to: sj42
Sat, 01-30-2010 - 6:21am

No I don't think you are over- reacting. Your husband is doing something that a person in a committed relationship shouldn't do. First let me say I HATE FACEBOOK. I think it is nothing but trouble. Would you tolerate your husband out in a bar talking to an ex or on the phone? NO! So why is Facebook OK? The excuse is to stay in touch? Then pick up the phone infront of your spouse. The therapists and divorce lawyers must love Face book.

I would tell your husband to close his account. How would he like it if you were talking to an ex? Not much I bet. If you cannot do something out in front of your spouse then you have something to hide. Why should you say anything to her? That is BS. HE shouldn't even be talking to her. It's inappropriate. A man should take is wife's side not some nussy ex girlfriend. Sexual undertone or not> He shouldn't be e-mailing an ex girlfriend. End of story.

So, if you have Face book. Close it. So should he. Nothing but trouble. If he doesn't see talking to an ex and that it makes you uncomfortable is a problem. THEN YOU HAVE A BIG PROBLEM.

Good Luck