60 Seconds with Albert J. Bernstein

Broadly speaking, what are emotional vampires, and why do they suck?

It’s a name I give to people with some clinical versions of personality disorders. With neuroses or psychoses, you drive yourself crazy. With personality disorders, you drive other people crazy. The characteristics are, first of all, a lack of empathy — they have a tendency to use other people — and a general immaturity. That said, people who are emotional vampires also look better than regular people, because they do certain things very well. They’re driven by a particular insatiable need and they do whatever it takes to meet that need.

What are the various types of emotionalvampires?

First, there are anti-socials. They hate boredom worse than a stake through the heart. The smartest ones are con artists. Some of the less talented ones are bullies.

The next kind is histrionics. They’re consummate actors. They play roles that don’t have much internal substance — they can be drama queens or kings in theoffice.

The final group is narcissists. Most people love to hate them. Narcissists want to live out their fantasy of being the most intelligent, richest, most powerful, most beloved people in the world.

Are emotional vampires self-aware at all?

Rarely. Vampires can’t see themselves in a mirror, and the same thing is true of emotional vampires. They tend to blame the people around them for problems and rarely see themselves at fault.

What are some strategies for dealing with thesepeople?

To fight emotional vampires at work, you have to have the calm of a Jedi knight and the chutzpah of a Jewish mother.

The calm is to take the time — stop and think. Ask yourself, “What do I want to happen, and how is the best way to get there?” rather than [succumbing to] your first reaction.

The second part — the chutzpah of a Jewish mother — is in order to deal effectively, [recognize] that every difficult interaction people have follows a pattern. A good example is a bully. A bully expects to push you around and get you upset — and you either fight back, or run away.

Recognize the pattern, and step out of it by doing something totally unexpected. So if a bully starts pushing you around, say, “Give me a minute to think about this.” That totally disrupts the pattern because what they expect is an immediate response. Be goal-directed and business-like.

— Brian Moore

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