

I can't believe what my mum has done (abuse related)

(68 Posts)
justnamechanging Wed 30-Oct-13 22:18:10

A regular poster who has name changed for this.

My mum is pretty toxic and I have posted about it before however she does love my DCs so I visit her once a month with them. My mum is also very jealous of my ILs because they have done very well whereas my mum although comfortable has never been well off.
My mum and dad split up when I was very young and my mum remarried my step dad was emotionally and physically abusive to me and my siblings and when I was a teenager he became sexually abusive. My mum didn't care would say I was making it up or that I deserved it. I reported this to the police age 15 but my mum convinced them I was just being a naughty teenager and making it up. (My step dad was respected in the community) and the police dropped it.
My step dad left my mum a few years later became she was old and he moved out of the country with another woman.

Fast forward to today. I arrived at her house with the DH and DCs there was a strange car parked in the drive but she was the only one in the house I asked who owned the car and she said it was just a friend's. So we sat down and the DCs played.
Then my mum went upstairs and I could hear voices and two sets of footsteps she then said she had a surprise it was 'grand dad' and hustled step dad through the door. I grabbed the DCs (so did DH) and just left.

So my mum called a bit later and begged a chance to explain the DCs had gone to the ILs house so I said fine as long as she came alone. So she did and she said that she was going to get back with him and they were getting married and I just needed to get used to the idea. I explained that I would have nothing to do with him and nor would my DCs. She got very angry and started screaming that I was an idiot who made everything up and kept telling DH that he shouldn't believe anything I say and I was with him for the money I told her to leave and she just kept repeating that I deserved it because I was a horrid person and she would tell my ILs everything so they would stop giving me money. (They don't give us money)
I pushed her out of the house (not great I know) as she screamed abuse and said she would call SS and then get the first plane to Spain.

I feel awful I keep reliving it all in my head and having flashbacks. I guess I just want someone to tell me to get it together because I don't want to upset the DCs. But I am so scared she will call the police and SS on me.

cheekychickie Sun 03-Nov-13 18:51:39

Hi justnamechanging.. just read this thread, and in response to your question about how to explain to ur kids why their grandmother is no longer a part of their lives.. I have dealt with this myself, as we had to cut my hideously toxic ILs out of our lives. My DDs were 4 and 2 at the time, and I can honestly say thay 2 years on, I can't remember the last time they mentioned them. We had to leave the country we were living in at the time, so all I can suggest is that you tell your DCs that their grandmother has gone to live in another country, you don't need to go into too many details, time will take care of that. Ok, I am assuming that your DCs are young. Oh, and been there, done that, with SS, and there wasn't any ongoing problems, they were very attentive to what we had to say and treated MIL like the toxic bitch that she is, so don't worry about that. I speak from experience, and with time, things dk get better, especially with the kids. Take care, and hope 8t all works out foe the best for you

siblingrevelry Sun 03-Nov-13 08:48:19

I'm afraid I have no advice to offer with regards to your situation, but merely an observation.

We hear lots of tales of horrible in-laws, but it sounds like you have a good set. Use them and your family to help you heal and see how loving families behave, and realise your mom is the wrong one, and that nice, normal people are loyal, kind and supportive of each other. I don't know them but I feel confident, from how you describe them, that they aren't judging you, but are probably already looking for ways to love and support you through this.

Tesselation Sun 03-Nov-13 08:35:09

Have you had counselling justnamechanging ? Whenever something re-emerges from my past that I have difficulties with I go for a top-up session.

It sounds like you're in the eye of the storm at the moment. It all sounds very busy. For me, the counselling room would be a calm space to remind me that I was safe, that there were people who loved me and that my feelings mattered. I would be able to put action to one side and look at my emotions around what was happening.

It's a horrible situation and you sound like you've done really well bar pushing her out of the door. Best wishes.

justnamechanging Sat 02-Nov-13 11:28:43

Thank you hissyfucker I will go and check it out

HissyFucker Fri 01-Nov-13 21:29:44

Oh and if you need somewhere to talk, come over to stately homes eh? If you're not there already that is! smile

HissyFucker Fri 01-Nov-13 21:27:19

Sweety, try not to worry, abusers usually hurl the insults and comments that terrify and upset THEM the most, so the SS comment was her fear.

If anyone called SS and the whole story came out SHE would be in great danger of prosecution, and you would be advised to keep your children and yourself away from her and your step-dad.

Now that this woman has shown herself To your ILS, tbh, there is even more weight to the possibility of her and him facing criminal action.

If I were you i'd tell her that if she comes near you, or anyone you know that you, your sisters and your family that you will go straight to the police and report her and him for sexual abuse of a child.

Then change your numbers and refuse all further contact.

CrapBag Fri 01-Nov-13 21:03:18

Tell them their nanna has gone to live somewhere else and leave it at that.

Eventually they won't question it and just accept it.

When SFIL left MIL, DS wasn't told anything at all. He occasionally asked where SFIL was and when he was told he wasn't there, he just didn't really ask. Children adapt and forget pretty quickly when they are young.

justnamechanging Fri 01-Nov-13 21:02:13

Yes I spoke to my siblings one has gone to stay at a friends house in case my mum turns up with him. The other is keeping an eye out for them but their has been no sightings yet.
They support me if I want to report one will back me up completely the other doesn't want to be involved in that. (Which is understandable)

SanityClause Fri 01-Nov-13 20:59:15

I appreciate that you wouldn't have wanted your PILs to know about the abuse. But, do remember, you have nothing to be ashamed of. It is your step father and mother who should feel ashamed - definitely not you.

She told your in laws that you deserved it? Did I read that correctly

Oh she is just fucking vile
Cut all contact

Did you manage to speak to your siblings?

perfectstorm Fri 01-Nov-13 20:30:21

Your IL's will be so, so amazed that someone as sane and lovely as you was raised by that disgusting pair. I mean, think about it: if your DS married a lovely girl who was a great wife, mother and DIL and then her vile mother turned up, tried to spin a pack of lies about how DIL hated you and then topped up by saying her husband had abused the DIL but she deserved it? What would you feel? I'd feel massively sad for the DIL and very, very protective and concerned that she knew she had a new family who loved her very much.

And I would tell the kids Nanna has done something very, very naughty and you can't see her any more. And I would get solicitor to write to your mother pointing out that she has made an admission that your SD abused you and that she knew and covered for him, and that being so, and she is back together with him, you cannot allow any form of contact, direct or indirect, as a child protection issue.

I am so sorry you have had to cope with this. But there really could not be a more clear-cut case of contact needing to be severed for your children's sake, as well as your own.

Give yourself some credit. You've emerged from a family of birth that would have broken many - perhaps even most - with a conscience and empathy and the ability to love all fully intact. That's pretty fucking brilliant of you. If you were my DIL I would love you to bits all the more for knowing how strong and inherently decent you were.

mineofuselessinformation Fri 01-Nov-13 20:24:56

It's very difficult, but just try to detach from it. In a way, she's done you a favour speaking to ILs about it, as she has aired what happened and (more importantly), her views on it. They have given their view on it and are clearly supporting you. Try not to feel embarrassed - this is not your shame, but hers and his. (Did you ask for this to happen? No.)
As for dcs, just tell them she's gone to live in Spain and keep repeating.
You have support around you, find the strength to accept it. People love and care about you.
Maybe it's worth leaving whether it not you want to report it to one side until you have let things settle a bit.

Goodness me she does sound deluded.
Good riddance. You deserved your abuse? She's a criminal.

I would tell dc the bare minimum. Honestly, they don't need a person like this in their life.

justnamechanging Fri 01-Nov-13 20:03:20

I am okay thank you.
Apparently she has handed in her notice at work and has told everyone where we live that she is going to Spain with her 'true love' so they won't be around any longer.

If anyone knows how to explain to children where their nanna has gone.

CrapBag Fri 01-Nov-13 20:02:58

Bloody hell!!!!

What a horrible, vile piece of work she is!

So she actually has acknowledged that you were abused now (by telling your ILs that you deserved it).

Cut her out and have nothing more to do with her again. You will be doing yourself and your DCs a great favour.

Could you not get in before her and phone 101 and ask their advice, wrt her threats to call them and SS? She followed it up going to your ILs, at least you would have them to back you up. Then if she does 'report' it would already by on record?

RandomMess Fri 01-Nov-13 19:58:49

Be positive, there is another 2 fully grown adults who your mother has shown her true colours to!

cjel Fri 01-Nov-13 19:58:21

Bless you.At least now you will not have to explain any times you rdm is not around at family times and you inlaws will have an understanding of the stress that you have been living with.

How are you?x

justnamechanging Fri 01-Nov-13 19:54:07

Thank you for your advice

My mum hasn't called any authorities however she did visit my ILs.
Apparently she knocked on the door and she was pleasant saying she wanted a chance to explain and talk MIL let her in. Once she was in there she told them she was being picked on. ILs said that me and DH wouldn't pick on her so she told them I was horrid and that I hated them and basically told them about my step dads abuse but adding that I deserved it. FIL told her to leave in the end and then called DH and told him about it.

I feel so stupid and embarrassed because my ILs know everything. They don't believe it was my fault and they don't blame me. (They are too nice)
But I feel a bit awkward having them know everything.

EldritchCleavage Thu 31-Oct-13 17:35:13

Your mother will clearly do and say anything to avoid facing up to reality: her 'great love' is a child abuser only interested in young women and girls (which she is not) and she knowingly facilitated his abuse of her own child.

If anything, you should report to SS and get their help to keep both these awful people away from your children.

As for pushing her out of the house, as far as I know if you the occupant withdraw someone's licence to be on the premises by asking them to leave, and they refuse to go, you are entitled to use reasonable force to remove them. She will get nowhere with that.

RandomMess Thu 31-Oct-13 17:34:21

sad what an evil woman, I really hope you find the strength to report your step-dad to the police again.

Dogonabeanbag Thu 31-Oct-13 17:33:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HappyJustToBe Thu 31-Oct-13 17:27:14

I believe you and you did the right thing to remove your children. You are a better mother than she could ever hope to be.

Your mother is a paedophile - she didn't just collude in your abuse, she made you available to your step-father. I'm astonished that you've had any contact with her, let alone with your children.

I'm a social worker, and this is my professional opinion. Have nothing more to do with her.

cjel Thu 31-Oct-13 16:41:45

How awful for you OP. I hope you get support of your siblings today.x

WithRedWine Thu 31-Oct-13 14:57:02

Reporting this now & forcing your mother to face up to the reality of who he is & her own complicity in the abuse would be the best thing.

In my experience, toxic mothers are only able to remain that way because they build cloud cuckoo land around them & lash out at anyone who doesn't play along. And of course your sf is more than happy to do so (perhaps because he is hoping that through her he'll have the opportunity to abuse your dds?).

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