The Evil Reign of Toe Shoes Must Be Stopped Immediately

Last week, American screen treasure (and by treasure I mean costar in Lethal Weapon movies) Danny Glover was feted by the Deauville Film Festival in France. Good for him! What totally sucks is his attire. He wore those awful toe shoes on the red carpet!

You know the ones I'm talking about. Not the kind that Natalie Portman's toenails bled into in Black Swan but they kind that you've been seeing more and more at the gym these days. If shoes are like mittens, these are like gloves, accentuating each digit in their casing of plastic, rubber, and micorfiber mesh. It's like the Six Million Dollar Shoe, except it looks like it cost $12 on some crazy QVC Fitness Hour. They are the worst thing to happen to feet since plantar warts.

These shoes—that go by the brand name Vibram Five Fingers and other impersonators—are supposed to simulate being barefooted, which is better for running and working out and other sort of exercise-type activities. That's great! We applaud people for wanting to get back to nature. But can we keep these awful shoe-sock hybrids in the gym?

Danny Glover's big mistake is that he wore these on the red carpet with a suit. OK, actually the carpet was blue, but he wore them somewhere he knew he was going to have his picture taken repeatedly. This is not an acceptable way to dress. He was acting in his official capacity as a star and an emissary for the American film industry, and he let us all down with his overly-casual footwear. This is just what the French need, another reason to point and jeer at Americans and pick on our inability to dress properly for just about any occasion.

I'm sure these contraptions are comfier than a velour couch with heated cushions, but that does not mean they're suitable for public consumption. Know what else is comfy? Pajama Jeans, Slankets, and the plaid Old Navy boxers my mother bought me for Christmas ten years ago that are riddled with holes. No one wants to see any of those in public, and the same goes for these nasty toe shoes. Being a celebrity is hard work, but it is not exercise!

So, here's the deal: You can go on making your feet look like they're the appendages of some sort of robotic simian beast as long as you are at the gym or on your way to or from it. Sure, you could change into something less upsetting in the locker room (and I'd recommend it) but we'll give you this small dispensation for wearing them in public. In your own home is fine too. You can wear whatever you want there—from toe shoes to spandex lederhosen. I don't care as long as I don't have to see that. Other than that, toe shoes are not acceptable for public consumption, ever. Got it? Good. We're already battling back the tide of flip flops, we don't need to worry about this monster too.

[Images via Bauer-Griffin]