Can I have a girlfriend my mum hates?

A 40-year-old has moved back in with his divorced mum. He claims she needs him, but she has already cost him his girlfriend. What can he do?

The dilemma I am a 40-year-old man. I work full time and live at home with my mother. I moved out for a while, but a couple of years ago I changed jobs and took a big pay cut, so moved back in. My mum and dad divorced when I was a teenager and she's been on her own since. She is very controlling, but I know she needs me and I can't afford to rent a place. When it's just the two of us it's okay. She takes care of me. My problem is this: I was seeing a lady for almost a year, and I was in love. She said she was in love with me and things were going well. I brought her home to introduce her to my mother, who hated her. In the end I stopped seeing my girlfriend. My mum is happy, but I'm not. I miss my girlfriend. Would it be wrong to see her behind mum's back and hope she changes her mind?

Mariella replies You're kidding me, right? I know we're all clinging on to youth far past the point of credibility, but you're stretching it. In turbulent financial times, holing up at home may be the cheapest option, but most men your age would prefer to be homeless than living under the watchful gaze of their mother.

What you describe as your problem, is not, actually, your problem. The fate of this latest relationship is just a symptom of the real malaise, which is your inability to separate from your parent and her pathological need to prevent you from doing so. Telling me your mother "needs you" after nearly three decades as a divorcee doesn't make you sound substantial or her sound reasonable. She's had plenty of time to develop a life of her own and maybe even find a new partner. Your continued presence is probably holding her back as much as it is you.

One of you has to do the brave thing and make a break. It's certainly not going to be your mother, not least because you're exactly where she wants you. That's not to exonerate you. You're both at fault: you for failing to recognise that succumbing to her judgment is a weakness in you rather than you being supportive of her; your mother for using every emotional weapon in her arsenal to keep you tied to her apron strings.

I appreciate it's cheaper living at home, but have you considered the high price you are paying? As each year of cohabitation passes you become less capable of embarking on an independent life. This is the 21st century; most women would not entertain the idea of taking a man straight from the bosom of his mum into their arms unless it was culturally dictated. It bodes ill on every level, from the mastery of simple domestic skills to your emotional development. I'm not surprised you are bemoaning the demise of your last liaison. Women like that, prepared to play second fiddle to the central relationship in your life, aren't plentiful, thank goodness.

I'm wondering how much the legacy of your parents' divorce is still taking its toll on you? Natural evolution has it that teenagers behave badly so parents can bear to wave them goodbye. When divorce is involved it can delay that inevitable loosening of the umbilical connection. Often children are lumbered with so much guilt at the time of their parents' separation that for a few years their sense of responsibility towards the perceived-to-be vulnerable parent outweighs their duty of care. Your mother seems to have milked you for her own emotional security since the day your father left. It's a credit to her skills of manipulation that's she's managed to make you feel so protective for so long.

I'm as lovesick as any mother and the thought of ever being separated from my sweet-smelling, loving, seven-year-old boy is hard to bear. Fast forward four decades and I can't think of anything worse than having a burping, farting, messy, resource-plundering second-generation version of his dad lingering around the living room. I'm sure that's the healthy human response.

If money is the only issue, which I'm not convinced about, a full-time job that leaves you dependent on your mother's bounty needs reconsidering, as do your outgoings. If you've found someone you really care about, use it as a catalyst to propel you out of your mother's door and into one of your own, not just to detour at your girlfriend's. It may not be as comfortable, well-serviced or indeed familiar but a room of your own, as Virginia Woolf beautifully evoked, should be every adult's dream – and that room shouldn't be under your parent's roof. Embarking on an adult relationship requires adult skills, few of which you'll hone while still at home.