Michael Holden's All ears

On a train stopping at Gatwick, two tanned, weary looking retired couples boarded on their way back from holiday. It was a warm day and one of the men started coughing loudly, no doubt filling the carriage air with some unspeakable foreign infection.

Man 1: (Recovering breathlessly from his last spasm) "Oh, dear. Excuse me."

Man 2: "Has the medicine kicked in?"

Woman 1: (Presumably Man 1's wife) "He won't take it."

Man 1: (With the controlled impatience of one who has just spent a fortnight with their spouse) "I have taken it."

Woman 1: "He nags me about it, but he won't do it himself."

Man 1: "I didn't need it last night."

Woman: "That was the alcohol."

Man 1: "Not entirely." He then had another turn while his wife stared at him like he thoroughly deserved it.

Man 2: (Amiably) "Why don't I open a window?"

Woman 2: (Changing the subject) "What's that terrible building?"

Man 2: (In a 'what's the world coming to?' way) "Well, it'll either be offices or overpriced apartments!"

Woman 2: "They're quite good, these new trains, aren't they? None of the old rocking and rolling."

Man 1 had another coughing fit while his wife rummaged angrily through one of her cases.

Man 2: "I used to commute on one of those old-fashioned trains, the ones with the doors... you know the type, the old twist-and-slam."

Woman 1: (Jabbing her husband with a packet of medicine) "Take the tablets!"

The man took the packet and read the instructions as if reckoning the ideal dose for either a murder, a suicide or possibly both.

Today's best video

Latest reviews

Today in pictures