One million tiny plays about Britain

A man sits quietly across from his wife at a restaurant in Whitstable ...

Susan I'm just saying you never used to like oysters.

Nigel I've always liked a good oyster.

Susan You didn't on our honeymoon.

Nigel I don't remember that.

Susan What, the entire honeymoon?

Nigel No, eating oysters.

Susan You even refused them at my brother's wedding.

Nigel Well, I'm dipping into them again.

Susan You haven't been dipping with me.

Nigel We haven't visited the seaside in a while, have we?

Susan So who do you eat them with?

Nigel For God's sake, Susan, this is supposed to be romantic.

Susan It's just a question. They're not a food you eat with another man.

Nigel Of course I can eat oysters with another man.

Susan I wasn't born yesterday. I'm just curious as to who you'd be licking oysters with.

Nigel Licking? So this is how it is? Even on holiday.

Susan I'm just talking about oysters.

Nigel I don't know how many times, and in how many ways, I've apologised. Repeatedly. It happened. It's over and I said I am sorry.

Susan You're saying she liked oysters.

Nigel No, I'm bloody well not.

Susan You've probably been here before. Do the staff recognise you?

Nigel I've never been here in my life.

Susan Of course. Sorry. All the receipts were from Cornwall. [Pause]

Nigel Have you phoned the children?

Susan No.

Nigel Well. It's nice to get away like this. Shall we share a plate of oysters?

Susan I won't touch them.

Nigel Then I might have a half dozen.

Susan I'd rather you had the fish pie.

Nigel They're all over the menu. It's one of the reasons I wanted to bloody come here. They're renowned.

Susan As aphrodisiacs. I think the fish pie looks just fine. With mayonnaise.

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