Tory away day, Eastbourne 1997
Tory away day, Eastbourne 1997. Photograph: Stefan Rousseau, PA
Politicians, it has to be said, don't tend to inspire much pity. Sit around all day, have a big lunch, have a bit of an argument in the afternoon with your colleagues, scream at Paxo in the evening - heck, that's part and parcel of a normal day for most of us, but politicians actually get paid for it.

But looking at a politician's wardrobe does provoke a pitying shake of the head. Lord have mercy, politicos don't half look a state sometimes, don't they? I'm talking Ann Widdecombe and her collarless jackets, Gyles Brandreth and his 'comedy' jumpers, Ken Clarke and his improbable panama hats. Is there any other profession in which you'd find such a selection of style improbabilities amassed together?

It would be nice to think that such disasters are due to our trusty MP spending so much time fighting our causes that they don't have time to do any proper shopping, and are above such vanity anyway. But as anyone who's ever heard an MP extol the benefits of Yves Saint Laurent's concealer Touche Eclat (why, hi there, Tony Blair!) can tell you, this is probably charitable.

The real problem lies with us. The fact is, politicians want to please you - after all, they want your vote, and will do anything, wear anything to aid the cause. The problem is that we actually don't know what we want our politicians to look like, so they are left flailing around like a flock of style-free headless chickens.

Take William Hague. Accused of looking, simultaneously, and somewhat contradictorily, old before his time and like an overgrown, overstuffed schoolboy. Poor Hague decided to take the lessons he'd learnt from his days at McKinsey and pursue the Dress Down Friday look, presumably in the hope that he would look like a macho-but-relaxed-kinda-guy. But William, macho guys don't drink out of pineapples while wearing a baseball cap (as you did at the Notting Hill Carnival!). Relaxed guys don't wear mismatching sportswear (as you did on your infamous Tory bonding weekend retreat!). The electorate sniggered, the press hooted, Hague departed.

Not that we want our politicians to look smart - heaven forfend! Lord help any MP who sports a recognisably designer item, as Blair discovered when he donned a Paul Smith shirt. Although, admittedly, the man did deserve some approbation for wearing that ridiculous, embarrassing-dad pin-up girl motif shirt.

More recently, George Galloway's fondness for Kenzo suits and Hugo Boss ties were reported as proof of his greed and, hence, guilt. Or what about Theresa May? For God's sake, the woman is just wearing Russell & Bromley! From the way the press (and the conservative party) slavered over her shoes you'd think the woman appeared on stage in full-on bondage gear.

Designer labels are still synonymous, in this country, at least, with time-consuming, self-indulgent, mockable vanity - a far cry from the serious bent we expect of our elected leaders (well, when they're not guesting on Have I Got News For You, that is).

Overly slick is suspect (Peter Mandelson, with his shiny suits and shinier shoes), overly frumpy is anachronistic (Michael Heseltine, with his anoraks and jumpers). If they look a pig's dinner (Mo Mowlam) we say it's proof that they're losing it; if they look over-styled (Michael Portillo), caricaturists portray them as preening. Even anonymity (John Major with his endless suits) isn't good enough, prompting as it does accusations of dullness.

So what do we want? Smart, but not noticeably so seems to be the ticket. It can be no coincidence that, while the Tory party determinedly sticks to its uniform of ill-fitting pale suits and goes through leaders like some of us go through tubes of Pringles, our Tone has found his metier in the sharp dark blue version, and comfortably remains in office.

But in truth, the most effective styles worn by a politician are those which make a statement. Clare Short picked a winner this week when she announced her resignation while wearing a scarf around her neck (scarf = noose = new Labour are psychos) - well done, Clare! Equally, the newly-elected Scottish Socialist party MSP, Rosie Kane, took oath wearing an eyebrow-raising leopard print top and faded jeans, emphasising to her working mum electorate that she is one of them.

But the most famous, and most effective style image maker was, who else but Maggie Thatcher. With her stern little handbag, her unmoving pearls, her stiff gloves, some people saw her as trying to convey her steel femininity. In fact, of course, she was saying something much more basic: I am the Queen, so back off. Well, it worked for her for eleven years.

· Hadley Freeman is the Guardian's assistant fashion editor