OK..here goes. In the mid 70s when I was 11 I was "recruited" into a sex group thing. It was thru sports and was very well orchastrated and secretive. The others were ages 12-18 (7th-12th grade). I was targeted because the prior 6th graders had become 7th graders and the spot had to be filled so the gruop age dynamic could be maintained. Ages under 11 were not targeted and not over 14 either because the recruitment process only worked with naive kids just starting or late to puberty and sexual knowledge like I was at 11. As I got older I not only witnessed but participated in the recruitment of other boys.

Even after I was able to fully get my mind around it all, I didn't leave or try to stop the others. It seemed very voluntary and there were rules of conduct as to when and with whom things could be done. Many rules seemed as if they were intended to protect the younger boys but they were actually intended to prevent something from happening that might make them mad/hurt and want to tell an adult. In reality there was absolutely nothing voluntary about a boys decision to join, instead there was an incredible psychological entrapment and so many rationalizations that will be the subject of other posts. Anyone could leave whenever they wanted but almost no one ever did and of those who left, many would come back and NO ONE EVER TOLD!!!

I was able to block it all from my mind after it ended for me and until my mother's death almost 10 yrs ago it remained buried. I had many tricks for myself to keep it from surfacing but upon her death I could not stop my mind from wandering throught the days of my boyhood and eventually I stepped on the land mine.

The shame and self-loathing was devastating...the flashback reliving of those events was so real and sequential like being forced to watch a horror movie. I found new tricks to block it but not ever able to bury it...so now I am resigned to confront and slay it...at least that is the tough talk I give to myself.