RICHARD LITTLEJOHN: Labour luvvies: what am I bid for this ceramic pig?

On the eve of what was billed as the biggest trades union walk-out since the General Strike of 1926, which it wasn’t, Labour’s leading lights decided to show their solidarity with the oppressed workers.

As tens of thousands of public sector staff prepared to march against the ‘savage cuts’, the great and good of the People’s Party assembled to raise money for the socialist struggle.

A star-spangled procession of Shadow Cabinet members and Labour luvvies trooped into the Roundhouse, in North London, for a £15,000-a-table fund-raising gala.

They drank fine wines and tucked into a gourmet dinner of asparagus with monkfish. Pudding was rhubarb and custard — presumably an ironic nod to the kind of food the metro-elite think is eaten by ‘ordinary’ people.

On the eve of what was billed as the biggest trades union walk-out since the General Strike of 1926, Labour politicians gathered for a £15,000-a-table fund-raising gala at the Roundhouse in North London 


‘Oh, darling, how positively proletarian. We must get it put on the menu at Soho House.’

The guest list included the ubiquitous Stephen Fry, Star Trek actor Patrick Stewart and comic Eddie Izzard, who wasn’t the only cross-dressing celebrity at the party.

Transvestite sculptor Grayson Perry turned up in a fetching sequin dress with lime green platform-soled shoes. He might have stolen the show but for the impressive array of flamboyant frocks and hairdos on parade, including our very own Janet Street-Porter, sporting her trademark shocking pink barnet and matching dress.

If they’d held a Grayson Perry lookalike contest, Perry himself would have been lucky to come third.

This drop-dead gorgeous, catwalk-style line-up also boasted Harriet Harman, Yasmin Alibhai-Brown, Margaret Beckett and Bianca Jagger. Let’s hope Bianca brings more luck to Labour than her ex-husband brought to Brazil in this week’s World Cup semi-final.

Alastair Campbell arrived in a loud check shirt, looking like a refugee from Monty Python’s recently-revived Lumberjack Sketch. Cheerful Charlie Falconer, currently pushing the Assisted Dying Bill, has lost so much weight from his once-chubby frame that some people might conclude he was himself an imminent candidate for euthanasia.

There were a few recognisable faces from Labour’s recent past, including the Kinnocks and ‘Lord’ Mandelson.

But apart from a handful of others who looked vaguely familiar, we don’t know who else was there. That’s because Labour is refusing to publish the guest list.

Who were the people paying 15 grand for a ‘premium’ table? That’s a lot of money, even on a Shadow Cabinet salary.

Peter Mandelson could, of course, easily afford to buy a table, thanks to his lucrative private ‘consultancy’ work with former Soviet bloc oligarchs. But he’s better known for free-loading than putting his hand in his pocket.

Did any of the celebs or MPs have to pay for their tickets? I’d be surprised if they did. So who was bankrolling this sumptuous banquet?

Certainly, there was no point bidding in the auction if you were short of a shilling. The cheapest lot on offer was the chance to have your voicemail message recorded by Patrick Stewart, aka Captain Picard, for a minimum of £1,000.

‘After the beep, make it so!’

Guests also had the opportunity to buy a copy of the 1997 Labour manifesto, signed by Tony Blair, Mandelson and the other Miliband brother, bidding starting at £2,000.

After that, things could only get better. Grayson Perry donated a ceramic pig, emblazoned with the slogan ‘Vote Labour’, reserve price £15,000. How much?

Bargain of the night was a minimum bid of £2,500 to play in a five-a-side football match against a Shadow Cabinet side captained by Ed Balls. That’s a small price to pay for the chance to give Balls a Neymar-style clattering.

Star prize was a cast iron sculpture by Antony ‘Angel of the North’ Gormley, which had a reserve of £100,000.

Who puts a reserve price on an item being sold for charity? And what if the sculpture failed to reach its reserve? Was Gormley planning to take it home again on the bus?

We don’t know who, if anyone, bought any of these valuable auction items, because Labour won’t tell us. Ed Miliband insists this was a private function.

Yet a few days ago, Labour was slamming the Tories for suppressing the names of those attending their own summer fund-raiser. At the exclusive Hurlingham Club in West London, ministers rubbed shoulders with wealthy businessmen, financiers and lobbyists.

Someone with more money than sense paid £45,000 for a bottle of champagne autographed by Mrs Thatcher. Another forked out a staggering £160,000 for a game of tennis against Call Me Dave and Boris. The lucky winner was reported to be banker Lubov Chernukhin, the wife of Vladimir Chernukhin, who was deputy finance minister under Russian president Vladimir Putin.

It’s all legal and above board, but leaves a nasty taste — unlike the menu at the Tory function which ran to smoked duck and chicken rillettes, sea bass and asparagus, and chocolate orange truffle cake with chantilly cream.

The Tories have undoubtedly got some dodgy donors but for Labour to complain, when they take £4 million from Red Len McCluskey at Unite and let him effectively choose their leader and dictate their policies, is rank hypocrisy.

The truth is that politicians from the main parties have more in common than they care to admit.

They’re all reliant on the largesse of wealthy donors, whether its unions who raise their money from members who work in the public sector or smooth businessmen seeking to buy influence.

It may not be pretty, but it’s the least worst system — especially if the alternative is forcing taxpayers to fund them.

What’s worrying is that none of them seems to understand life beyond the bubble. I’ve been to countless charity auctions and, outside Central London, bids rarely rise into the hundreds of pounds, let alone start at £100,000.

Miliband pays lip service to the fight against ‘austerity’ and refuses to condemn politically-motivated strikes like yesterday’s union demo. But he sees nothing wrong on the eve of the protests in hobnobbing with rich celebs prepared to pay four times the average annual salary for a lump of cast iron.

The Labour fund-raiser was a classic example of the gulf between the metropolitan political class and those they pretend to represent.

What do we want?

Asparagus and monkfish and a hand-crafted £15,000 ceramic pig by Grayson Perry!

When do we want it?



Porn-sniffing pooch  

Could the chaos at the airports be kept to a minimum if, instead of strip-searching old ladies, they employed a few more sniffer dogs?

For years, dogs have been used to detect drug stashes and even dead bodies buried under floors.

One episode of Larry David’s hilarious Curb Your Enthusiasm featured a corpse-sniffing German shepherd.

Now police in Connecticut have trained a golden labrador to detect child pornography stored on hard drives and memory sticks.

Thoreau sniffs out metals and components used in the devices and is being deployed against paedophiles who increasing hide hardcore material in walls and under floorboards.

If Thoreau can sniff out porn, surely other dogs can be taught to detect explosives.

And it wouldn’t only deter bomb-makers, it might snare a few nonces in the process


Reader Andrew Fullwood has sent me this picture of two portable toilets put out for the convenience of spectators watching the Tour de France pass through the Yorkshire village of Silsden.

It didn’t take long for a local parking attendant to slap tickets on them.

The notices warn they can only be removed by the driver. You don’t like to ask.

Give that warden a yellow jersey!

Not a convenience: Reader Andrew Fullwood photographed two portable toilets in Silsden, Yorkshire, on the Tour de France route with parking tickets 


A teacher who confiscated a mobile phone from an unruly pupil has been sacked and is suing for £250,000 compensation.

Jean Camurat taught languages at Aveley School in Essex until he was fired by headmistress Teresa Walker.

Mrs Walker and Thurrock Council sided with the pupil. Time was when heads, education officials and even parents would support teachers in their efforts to impose discipline.

Mr Camurat said Mrs Walker favours ‘new educational techniques’ over traditional teaching methods. She ruled that grabbing the girl’s phone amounted to ‘gross misconduct’ which warranted dismissal.

Is it any wonder that kids think they can get away with murder these days and leave school fluent in texting but unable to read and write properly?

  • An unemployed father-of-13, who lives in a specially-adapted seven-bedroom council house in Ipswich has complained because someone has poisoned the 300 koi carp in his garden pond. Tim Fisk thinks the culprit resents the £53,000 his family receive in benefits every year. It certainly sounds a lot of money, but still doesn’t explain how he can afford to buy and keep 300 koi carp. And, anyway, what happened to Iain Duncan Smith’s much-trumpeted £26,000 benefits cap?