The Insufferability Report: Week of 09.21.12


Time once again to break down five things from the past week that were exhausting, annoying, and downright insufferable. Rest assured, you will never find bacon on this list.

1. Romney tape faux outrage. Virtually every stern editorial about Mitt Romney's secret fundraiser videotape has essentially boiled down to, "Well, we all knew this was true, but still!" But still NOTHING. Everything Romney said was echoed thirty-seven times at the Republican National Convention just a few weeks ago. It's been a Republican strategy to brand Democrats and their constituents as wasteful freeloaders for decades now. And Romney is right: 47% of people will never vote for him because they know he sucks.

Here we have another news story that's been inflated far beyond its value because the media needs to stretch out the "drama" of this election for as long as they possibly can. Even if nothing Romney said was surprising, you're supposed to be surprised because it's some kind of gaffe made outside the confines of on-message campaigning. You're supposed to care not about what Romney said, but about the way he's handling a campaign that was already destined to lose. It's grown tiresome. Either Romney or Obama will be subjected to some new outrage next week and I'll have to pretend that this election wasn't decided ages ago, when all the worthy Republicans decided to wait until 2016 and Mitt Romney was deemed a sufficient crash test dummy for a placeholder election.

2. Lane Kiffin. You don't get to hold a twenty-eight second presser and then storm off like a little bitch when Stanford just handed you your jock for the fourth straight year. Lane Kiffin is the least accomplished coach in modern coaching, and that's saying a lot knowing that Charlie Weis is still employed. I'm very excited for Kiffin to be fired and then reduced to taking a sideline reporting gig at ESPNU next year. I bet he'll be happy to talk by then.

3. Royal Family Members expecting privacy. You're among the most-photographed entities in the universe. Why are you taking your top off in public? Did you really not think that 800 Serbian paparazzi were camped out in the juniper bushes nearby? Play the Diana card all you like, but no one is gonna cry for you. The rest of us have to work like slaves while you assholes get to air your boobies out while on vacation. What are you even on vacation from? You don't do anything! At least Prince Harry served in the military and earned his right to play strip billiards with a bunch of Vegas skanks.

4. SNL Weekend Update in primetime. Thirty whole minutes of Seth Meyers making jokes Jon Stewart made two days ago and smirking endlessly? Sign me up. Never in your life will you hear someone at work be like, "Did you guys hear what Seth Meyers said last night?" The only way that would happen is if he resigned on the air.

5. Mike Francesa. Here is the single most humorless man ever to reside on planet Earth. He must watch lots of Seth Meyers. The man nods off on the air and then A) Refuses to admit he fell asleep when any sane person would admit it with a touch of good humor, and B) Can't take it when callers razz him for it. Francesa even brought up how much money he made to shut callers up. People of New York, Francesa this man and taunt him endlessly for being a self-important jackass. Mike Francesca is a greased Hefty bag with glasses. He's nothing. Nothing he says has ever mattered or ever will. Going to sleep on the air should be the defining moment of his career. No one deserves it more.

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