Best of Craigslist Best postings from, selected by readers en-us &copy; 2014 <span class="desktop">craigslist</span><span class="mobile">CL</span> Best of Craigslist Collection 2014-08-03T22:02:11-07:00 2 daily You Farted During "Boyhood" - mw4m There we were, just enjoying a nice quiet Saturday night at the movies. A slow mover, Linklater's "Boyhood." Some popcorn. A few sodas. Nothing really happens in the film, we found. For about 90 minutes or so we stare listlessly at the screen. It's a thinking man's film, I say. Beautifully shot. It's about life, and death and relationships and things of that nature. Just then, at a brief, carefully-timed cinematic pause in dialogue, an enormous fart from somewhere in the back pierces an otherwise silent movie theatre. It had the impact of a baseball bat hitting a leather couch, or George Foreman working the heavy bag. Whack. Loud, deep and masculine.The seat cushion heroically absorbed most of the blow, but not enough that each and every person in the movie theatre instantly burst into nervous laughter. The laughter continued for what felt like a good 5 minutes, until tears streamed down our faces. Even well after the blast, we quietly chuckled to ourselves with a 'remember the time that guy farted in the movie theatre' gleam in our eyes. And just like that, with a soft chuckle and a deep breath, we were back into the film. Things happened, people drove around Texas, relationships came and went, there was crying, there was hope. It was as if we had all forgotten about the fart that had brought us together that night. As the sun began to set on screen, the teenage boy, no longer a boy, transitions into an adult, before our very eyes, and looks, intently, lustfully into a young girls eyes, as if to lean in for a kiss, and braaaaaaap. Another fart from the back row, like two giant hands clapping together, and the screen goes dark, roll credits. We decided, after laughing our way out of the theatre, and all the way home, that this was the best movie that we had ever seen. I imagine the lone fartist sauntering off into the sunset. His work here done. <br> If only I could say thank you, kind sir. You are truly a master of your craft. 2014-08-03T22:02:11-07:00 &copy; 2014 <span class="desktop">craigslist</span><span class="mobile">CL</span> You Farted During "Boyhood" - mw4m text Like New Blk. Working Boots/Free Barbie I've got bad feet. Only used them twice. In excellent condition. Like new blk. working boots for ONLY $20.00. PLUS I'm giving you 3 BONUSES: Like New Barbie Princess Styling Head. Excellent for a small girl. And also as a bonus: Needle point Jewellery Kit for small girl. And A New Microwave Extention Cord. You can move your microwave anywhere in the kitchen. That's a great deal. The boots are size 13.<script type="text/javascript"> <!-- imgList = ["4547077263-2.jpg","4547077263-5.jpg","4547077263-4.jpg","4547077263-3.jpg","4547077263-6.jpg","4547077263-1.jpg"]; // --> </script> <figure class="iw"> <div id="ci"> <img id="iwi" src="4547077263-2.jpg" alt="" title="image 1"> </div> <div id="thumbs"><a href="4547077263-2.jpg" title="1"><img src="4547077263-2T.jpg" class="selected" alt="image 1"></a><a href="4547077263-5.jpg" title="2"><img src="4547077263-5T.jpg" alt="image 2"></a><a href="4547077263-4.jpg" title="3"><img src="4547077263-4T.jpg" alt="image 3"></a><a href="4547077263-3.jpg" title="4"><img src="4547077263-3T.jpg" alt="image 4"></a><a href="4547077263-6.jpg" title="5"><img src="4547077263-6T.jpg" alt="image 5"></a><a href="4547077263-1.jpg" title="6"><img src="4547077263-1T.jpg" alt="image 6"></a></div> </figure> 2014-06-30T16:34:46-07:00 &copy; 2014 <span class="desktop">craigslist</span><span class="mobile">CL</span> Like New Blk. Working Boots/Free Barbie text Napper on my porch - m4m I heard a late night kick on my doors and went to look and there you were, passed out drunk after pride festival day1. I went out to investigate and it was like God pulled your mouth open like a Pez dispenser and filled you with Long Island ITs and tequila shots, then dropped you on my porch. I really wanted to talk to you but you seemed shy. Shy or stuck up, not sure which since you wouldn't even react when I pulled your hair or poked you with my BBQ prod. If you happen to see this and remember passing out cold on my porch last night, please feel free to message me if you felt something too. Just tell me what your ankles smell like now. I spent an hour rubbing coconut oil on your hairless, yellow lower calves and ankle. Oh shit, I just gave it away. Anyways, describe what you were wearing and then I'll know it was you. <script type="text/javascript"> <!-- imgList = ["4476289028-1.jpg"]; // --> </script> <figure class="iw"> <div id="ci"> <img id="iwi" src="4476289028-1.jpg" alt="" title="image 1"> </div> </figure> 2014-05-18T10:01:57-07:00 &copy; 2014 <span class="desktop">craigslist</span><span class="mobile">CL</span> Napper on my porch - m4m text alien creature I created for art class killer female alien i made for art class out of sculpey. you pick up. has small crack on side of ankle. you can glue it back together.<script type="text/javascript"> <!-- imgList = ["4480628750-1.jpg","4480628750-2.jpg"]; // --> </script> <figure class="iw"> <div id="ci"> <img id="iwi" src="4480628750-1.jpg" alt="" title="image 1"> </div> <div id="thumbs"><a href="4480628750-1.jpg" title="1"><img src="4480628750-1T.jpg" class="selected" alt="image 1"></a><a href="4480628750-2.jpg" title="2"><img src="4480628750-2T.jpg" alt="image 2"></a></div> </figure> 2014-05-20T20:49:33-07:00 &copy; 2014 <span class="desktop">craigslist</span><span class="mobile">CL</span> alien creature I created for art class text Poem you wrote me - w4m I found it this morning on a pink sticky note. I saw you leave it, but was too shy to approach you. It read:<br> <br> You hit my <br> car asshole<br> BMW that was <br> parked behind<br> you, got your <br> license plate #<br> <br> It is a lovely composition, but one thing left me a bit confused: I didn't realize cars had assholes too! Where exactly is the asshole on the car? You may be thinking "you know where the asshole is because you hit it!" But you are mistaken because I did no such thing.<br> <br> Did you perhaps make a mistake and you meant to write CAT asshole? Cats have assholes (mine proudly shows me hers all the time), and I mix up "cat" and "car" frequently since T and R are next to each other on the keyboard. However, I don't think I hit your cat asshole either because I love cats, assholes and all, and would never do that.<br> <br> Oh, oh! Perhaps you missed a comma. Yes, yes, this seems likely, as angry, boorish jerks tend to do this. That wasn't very nice of you to call ME an asshole!<br> <br> Also, I definitely didn't hit your car. Good luck with that.<script type="text/javascript"> <!-- imgList = ["4469285928-1.jpg"]; // --> </script> <figure class="iw"> <div id="ci"> <img id="iwi" src="4469285928-1.jpg" alt="" title="image 1"> </div> </figure> 2014-05-13T20:58:24-07:00 &copy; 2014 <span class="desktop">craigslist</span><span class="mobile">CL</span> Poem you wrote me - w4m text Suspicious Hotdog Burying Roll of Quarters by Redwood Tree (Sketch) I have one rough sketch of a suspect hotdog preparing to place a roll of quarters in a freshly-dug hole, next to a California redwood. The hotdog seems resolute in his task, but there's a definite uneasiness in the air. See picture for a better idea of what you'll be receiving. <br> <br> Send address for prompt delivery. Can autograph upon request. <ul> <li>do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers</li></ul> <script type="text/javascript"> <!-- imgList = ["4345941816-1.jpg"]; // --> </script> <figure class="iw"> <div id="ci"> <img id="iwi" src="4345941816-1.jpg" alt="" title="image 1"> </div> </figure> 2014-02-22T20:29:14-08:00 &copy; 2014 <span class="desktop">craigslist</span><span class="mobile">CL</span> Suspicious Hotdog Burying Roll of Quarters by Redwood Tree (Sketch) text FREE LIFESIZED STONEHENGE Why are you even questioning if this is possible to have, come and get it before FRIDAY! Its free...and lifesized!!! <ul> <li> Location: Highland Park</li> <li>do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers</li></ul> <script type="text/javascript"> <!-- imgList = ["4288239905-1.jpg"]; // --> </script> <figure class="iw"> <div id="ci"> <img id="iwi" src="4288239905-1.jpg" alt="" title="image 1"> </div> </figure> 2014-01-15T00:02:52-08:00 &copy; 2014 <span class="desktop">craigslist</span><span class="mobile">CL</span> FREE LIFESIZED STONEHENGE text Free Rooster I need to get rid of this rooster i bought 4 days ago in China town. ANYONE WHO WANTS HIM CAN HAVE HIM. Its not that hes not a cool rooster, its just that I live in a close suburban community and its not zoned for like... idk fowl or livestock or something and everyone is mad at me. He's literally the chillest rooster ever. When he's not kicken like a chicken in my bathroom he's driving around with me or sleeping in a box by my bed helping me pick up dah ladies. <br> <br> I mean look at these pictures. <br> <br> <br> Yeah.. so please call or text me if you want him. His name is Prince Orsini Wallace.<br> <br> <ul> <li> Location: Thousand Oaks</li> <li>do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers</li></ul> <script type="text/javascript"> <!-- imgList = ["4279769047-2.jpg","4279769047-4.jpg","4279769047-3.jpg","4279769047-1.jpg"]; // --> </script> <figure class="iw"> <div id="ci"> <img id="iwi" src="4279769047-2.jpg" alt="" title="image 1"> </div> <div id="thumbs"><a href="4279769047-2.jpg" title="1"><img src="4279769047-2T.jpg" class="selected" alt="image 1"></a><a href="4279769047-4.jpg" title="2"><img src="4279769047-4T.jpg" alt="image 2"></a><a href="4279769047-3.jpg" title="3"><img src="4279769047-3T.jpg" alt="image 3"></a><a href="4279769047-1.jpg" title="4"><img src="4279769047-1T.jpg" alt="image 4"></a></div> </figure> 2014-01-09T10:41:21-08:00 &copy; 2014 <span class="desktop">craigslist</span><span class="mobile">CL</span> Free Rooster text Wanted: someone who can create a sculpture of a horse-sized duck We are shooting a video of Arnold Schwarzenegger crushing things with a tank (seriously) and need a sculpture of a horse-sized duck (can be paper mache?) by Weds AM. <ul> <li> Location: Venice</li> <li> Compensation: Market-rate for this kind of work</li> <li>Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.</li> <li>do NOT contact us with unsolicited services or offers</li></ul> 2014-02-14T17:46:29-08:00 &copy; 2014 <span class="desktop">craigslist</span><span class="mobile">CL</span> Wanted: someone who can create a sculpture of a horse-sized duck text 27' Sailboat - Ocean view and other benefits What does captian kurt, popeye, captain hook and tommy lee have in common? They are all bad ass people. Why? Because they were all in command of ships. You should be in command of a ship. You should buy my boat. <br> <br> I can offer you the opportunity to be in command of this Catalina 27 sailing ship for about the cost of a lot of the stupid stuff you bought, buy or are thinking about buying. I present the following:<br> <br> Malls & Nipple Milk<br> I can tell you this; the boat I am selling is less than the cost of that couch you bought at Pottery Barn* after spending 3 weeks researching it on Google**. I don't care if your favorite mall doesn't have a roof on it and has a theme. You should be ashamed of half of the mall things you spent hard earned cash money and time on. None of it will take you across oceans and it will not get you a buffaloes milk at Two Harbors (or a nimby cup). Not even close. Do you want your only source of alcohol laden milk to be your pregnant girlfriends nipple because I guarantee it doesn't have 8 types of rum and 4 types of artificial sweetener in it. If it does muchacho then you should be hanging out with jcvd on a regular basis and won't be needing this said boat. Back to your mall things.. If you add up the cost of your bed frame, mattress, headboard, box spring, stupid fancy pillows from Target, decorative duvet cover with a cool pattern from ikea and your designer pajamas it probably costs as much as I'm asking and you can have a f*$king BOAT of which can sleep 5 people and will guarantee you more bidness. You won't find that guarantee in the bedding department at Macy's. Note: your lame duvet made from rare dead birds is always on sale, you did not hit the Macy's Bed Bath and Beyond jackpot and score a 300 feather count for 35% off, everyone did and just because you laughed at some actor making fun of Bed, Bath and Beyond doesn't give you a pass for going there or not going there. And are you really spending your miniscule amount of free time on Earth counting feathers or laughing at jokes about retail stores? And by the way, if you are the type of person who covers your bed with any amount of (especially more than two) decorative pillows, please do not call about my Boat. I am not interested in selling this to a decorative pillow type which is too bad because you my friend are the type that needs this boat more than anyone.<br> <br> Recreation, Drinking and Sea Monkeys <br> I understand you have many options on how to spend your free time. How you choose to recreate says a lot about a human being. What I am offering you is the open Pacific Ocean, fishing, going to islands, breathing salty air at sea, breathing atomic four gas powered exhaust fumes, drinking rum, drinking whiskey, drinking cheap beer, drinking expensive beer, drinking the dead sea monkeys floating in the drink that your friend backwashed, spear fishing anything that moves, endless supply of gold colored fish to make into tacos, trapping crabs, getting crabs, free membership to hbyc, a money pit, a fist pumping teeth grinding laser eating dance platform, a new kitchen, a boom that might hit you in the head, a $270 slip fee, the ability to t-bone a stand up paddle boarder, the ability to bbq a t-bone steak, the ability to bone in the v-birth, the chance to see whales, the improved chance to bring a whale out of najas and tying knots. These are fine things. These are gentlemanly things. They certainly beat sitting in car traffic towing your sand rail or three wheeler past a bunch of meth labs to glamis or driving a boat in circles in the std filled cess pool commonly referred to as "the river" or any other so called lake. Does a real man or woman want to recreate in a standing pool of "fresh water" or in a hot desert with a bunch of drunk yahoos with engines strapped to their backs?<br> <br> Fast Transport<br> This boat travels as fast as your Audi on the 405. 6 knots at best. And you spent over $30K. Way more than a domestic car just because of the cool logo, neat ads and foreignness of it. Not to mention the way it makes you feel when you look at it after you park it. You could have got a Ford, a 3 wheeler, a sand rail and this boats for the same price. Enough said.<br> <br> 360 Degree Ocean View and the Mexican Navy<br> Always wanted an ocean view? See above description of how lucky you are. This boat comes with an ocean view of your damn choosing! Imagine a house that could do that. Those creepy realtor types would be drooling all the way to the bank. (Please no inquiries if your picture is on your business card). For the price of a ocean front strand house you could buy a boat like this every month of the year. In fact for $3,000,000 (reasonable price for a strand house) you could buy 600 boats like this. That's more than the entire navy of Mexico. What would you do with that many boats? You could tie them together end to end and stretch them from Manhattan Beach pier to Hermosa Beach pier 1.7 times. Toss in a few more and you could have a two way sailboat highway spanning the two piers. This would be enough to move the annual 6 man party to sea and save the fun in a town loosing its charm faster than antartica is loosing glacial ice. Everyone would be happy because the kids could again dress up, beam each other with volleyballs and drink booze in the open sun on a WEEKEND. You would be the damn Kevin Bacon of the beach area. People would make movies of how you returned the joy to such an under privileged area of LA. (Math: 1.8 miles between piers = 9504' / 27' boat length = 352 boats required for a one way span.)<br> <br> Screen World or Water World?<br> Each day the average person spends ?? hours staring at a computer screen, ?? watching a television screen, and ?? hours looking at a smart phone screen. (You do the math). The hope is that eventually there will be enough devices "invented" whereby 24 hours of your day is spent looking at a radiation emitting electronic display screens. These devices with clever names starting with i will range in size to span every increment of that Home Depot tape measure you never use. This will be toped by the inevitable invention of a gigantic screen that allows up to three people to be imbedded in, is only 2 microns thick, is named after a fruit and hurtles through outer space endlessly. I have good news for you my screen collecting swollen eyeball friend. This boat comes with an lcd tv screen and there is cell service all the way to Catalina Island! So you don't have to skip the pirate dress up wine mixer because you are worried about missing all those great things happening on social media and on dvd.<br> <br> Boat Includes<br> -- 4 sails<br> -- Atomic four engine<br> -- Mast<br> -- Boom<br> -- Hull<br> -- Rudder<br> -- Tiller<br> -- The book sailing for Dummies (You must have an IQ of at least 30 to learn how to sail)<br> -- A bow with no arrows<br> -- A bunch of life vests<br> <br> Attention Doomsday Preppers<br> If you are a doomsday prepper then you have just hit the powerball lottery scratch off confetti falls out of the sky jackpot. Feel free to go into one of those evangelist religious on stage convulsions right now because when shit hits the fan in L.A. (and it will) do you want to be on the roof of your liqour store with a high powered riffle or in the open ocean reading moby dick with a milky rum drink in your skilled knot tieing hands?<br> <br> In Summary<br> This boat is cheap, it gives you access to buffaloes milk, it is more fun than your current hobbies, it is fast enough, it has an ocean view, it comes with a TV, comes with everything you need and it might be helpful in case of a disaster. Most importantly it puts you in command of a ship. Go ahead break a bottle of Champagne over the bow, leave your mall things on land and grab the tiller.<br> <br> $5,000 OBO / trade offers accepted<br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> *ARE YOU F$##KING KIDDING ME. A STORE NAMED "POTTERY" "BARN"? WHOEVER USED THIS TERRIBLE NAME TO DUPE PEOPLE OUT OF HARD EARNED MONEY INTO BUYING EVERYTHING BUT POTTERY OUT OF ANYTHING BUT A BARN AND SELLING SHIT ALL MADE IN CHINA BUT DESIGNED TO LOOK ANYTHING BUT CHINESE AND I STILL HAVENT SOLD THIS BOAT IS BEYOND ME.<br> <br> ** Google = Best slot machine ever invented. Insert letters instead of coins. Output hyperlinks instead of cash. Google is paid by 3rd party XYZ business for the participants pleasure of playing this terrible slot machine for "free". But participants pay end up paying in dead brain cells instead of cash and XYZ business trades cash for a snowflakes chance in hell of converting a mouse click to a sale. Only benefit of all this is it finally puts bad newspapers out of business.<br> <br> *** If you happened to buy a mattress from that old white guy who shrieks "if you find a mattress for a lower price your mattress is free!!!" please, please, please, please don't f$@king contact me. Did you really think that A-Hole is going to give away a free mattress if you found one for a lower price? Have you heard of anyone getting a free mattress from that damn place? How can our government allow such a thing. I will not give you my boat for free if you find one for less. In fact you will probably be more likely to sink would be my guess. And if you are the type that needs the government to protect you or wastes time complaining about the government also don't contact me. <ul> <li> Location: Marina Del Rey</li> <li>do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers</li></ul> <script type="text/javascript"> <!-- imgList = ["4234040827-1.jpg"]; // --> </script> <figure class="iw"> <div id="ci"> <img id="iwi" src="4234040827-1.jpg" alt="" title="image 1"> </div> </figure> 2013-12-07T21:22:12-08:00 &copy; 2014 <span class="desktop">craigslist</span><span class="mobile">CL</span> 27' Sailboat - Ocean view and other benefits text Professional Gentleman Looking for a "Worthy &amp; Deserving" Girl :-) <u><b>** PLEASE READ THIS ENTIRE AD CAREFULLY BEFORE CONTACTING ME INCLUDING THE FAQs/COMMENTS AT THE END. THANK YOU.</u></b> <br>(P.S. If you contact me it will be assumed you have <u>read</u>, <u>understood</u> and <u>agree</u> with everything on this page. If you disagree or don't like anything please don't contact me. On the other hand, "If you SNOOZE, you lose. . .") <u>NOTE:</u> I WILL TEST YOU early in the first communications/interactions between us to know if you are real, honest, motivated, serious, etc. Please take this as a <u>fair and friendly prior warning.</u> <br><br> <b>ME = </b> A very <u>nice</u>, <u>mature</u> , "<u>gentleman.</u>" with a higher college degree and education. I have my own house (not apartment), car, income, etc. I am of Middle-Eastern descent (Iranian/Persian). A professional man with a <u>GOOD BACKGROUND</u>. Better than 99% of what you will find, GUARANTEE #1.<br><br> <b>YOU =</b> Good girl for friendship and romance. You would be treated very well and nobody will treat you better (GUARANTEE #2). HOWEVER IN ORDER FOR THIS TO HAPPEN . . .YOU HAVE TO BE. . . "Worthy," "Deserving" and "Reciprocate."<b> <u>IF YOU WANT A RESPONSE</u>, please E-mail (1) your name, (2) your email address, (3) your location (city), (4) your age, (5) your ethnicity and (6) your current & clear photo (within the last 3 months). </b>CURRENT means how you look "today," NOT "yesterday." For example, if you had long black hair yesterday but short and blonde today, don't send me a photo showing your "older or previous" look. CLEAR means NO "hats," "sunglasses" or "fuzzy" photos and so forth. Your ETHNICITY means your "country" of origin or where your ancestors came from. <br><br> IF you provide me with ALL 6 items requested, <u>I will respond back to you within 24-hrs.</u> I will check and ask if you first read, understood and agree to everything on this page including the FAQs/Comments and subsequently request your cell # to text you my photo and to become more acquainted at the same time. Afterwards, we will talk on the phone too and set-up a day/time to meet. <br><br> If your email message is <u>incomplete</u> (does not include all 6 items above),<u> ignorant,</u> <u>disrespectful</u> or <u>sarcastic</u> you will NOT get a response. <u>NO exceptions or excuses.</u> The email gets deleted without paying any attention to it. <b><u>DO NOT</u> contact me if you are unwilling or unable to exchange phone #, talk on the phone and meet in person within a few days or possibly the same day. </b> <br><br> <b>* Note #1 - </b> I am open to girls from different ethnicities, sizes, races and ages 18-27. If you are older than 27 please include information about your EDUCATION and WORK/JOB BACKGROUND in addition to the 6 items requested above. <br> (P.S. Regardless of the age you tell me, don't be surprised if I ask to see your ID or Birth Certificate to verify). <br><br> <b>*Note #2 - </b> <u>If you are currently pregnant or have children,</u> it won't work out. DO NOT contact me. <br><br> <b>* Note #3 -</b> <u>Remember something ladies, especially THOSE OF YOU who "Complain" about "Men."</u> The problem is NOT "Men." The problem is YOUR "Pick," "Selection" and "Taste" in men. Do you see the difference? Choose "Better" men and you will have "Better" experiences with men. GET IT? I tell all ladies the same thing. Either you appreciate, value and can recognize a "good" man (gentleman) or you don't. If you do, you benefit (win). If you don't, you lose. The smart ones do and the dumb ones don't. WHICH ONE ARE YOU?? <br><br> =============================================================================<br><br> <b>Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) & Comments. . .</b><br><br> <b>1) Question:</b> If you are such an amazing guy then why are you still searching or single?<br><br> <b>Answer:</b> Good question. Did you read my headline? It says, looking for a "Worthy and Deserving" girl. By this, I mean, "mature," "intelligent," "responsible," "grateful," etc. That's like finding a <u>needle in a haystack</u>. Basically, I'm looking for "quality" over "quantity" so that takes longer to find.<br><br> <b>2) Question:</b> Most guys say they are great or a gentleman. How do I know that's really you?<br><br> <b>Answer:</b> Good question. I also find that most girls tell me they are a "Good Girl" too or "Worthy and Deserving" but often that's not the case either. Thus, the best and ONLY way to really know if the guy or girl is "great," is by spending a lot of time with them and getting to know them by dating and having conversations, etc. Otherwise, you will never know for sure. This works both ways for men and women. The man has to "test" the woman and vice-versa. <br><br> <b>3) Question:</b> Do you really think online dating is a good or serious place to find what you are looking for? Do you really take this serious? Afterall, this is Craigslist. <br><br> <b>Answer:</b> What do you have to lose by trying? You never know for certain unless you try. Right? If you have a negative expectation, the results will be the same. Thus, I look at "online" places like Craig's List as another place with "potential" and "possibilities" instead of looking at it from a negative or pessimistic perspective. Lastly, it's NOT "where" you meet, it's "who" you meet. <br><br> <b>4) Question:</b> I'm not in California. I currently live in Dallas, Texas. Is that OK? <br><br> <b>Answer:</b> No. If you live "outside" of Southern California it will be very difficult or impossible for a real friendship or relationship requiring an "airplane" for traveling and meeting. <br><br> <b>5) Question:</b> We are in different counties, towns or cities. Is that OK? <br><br> <b>Answer:</b> Yes. As long as we are both in "Southern" CA. it's not a major problem UNLESS you are unwilling or unable to "drive" --OR- use public transportation including the bus or train. <u>I will drive to you but you must also be able or willing to travel to me and to some equal extent. I may ask you to drive or travel to me on the first meeting to "test" if you are serious. </u>The focus and priority is on the "person" not their distance. If you allow "distance" to distract your attention from the main focus (the two people) or use "distance" as your excuse then DO NOT contact me because you have your priorities and focus out of line. <u>(P.S. I am in the Antelope Valley - Lancaster & Palmdale Area - which is in LA COUNTY). Check the map if you are unfamiliar. </u><br><br> <b>6) Question ("Comment"): </b> I don't want to do any traveling. I want to find someone close to me or in the same city. <br><br> <b>Answer:</b> And I wish we lived in a "perfect" world and everything was across the street from my house or within walking distance so none of us would need cars, trains or airplanes. Unfortunately, we don't live in a perfect or ideal world. This world is full of "challenges" for everyone. Relationships (especially "successful" ones) require enormous <u>time, energy and effort</u> from both man and woman. Relationships are like a full time "JOB." It's NOT "EASY." If you are not able or willing to commit to the challenges of the "job" then you are not ready for the "job." It's that simple. <u>(P.S. If everyone could find someone close to them or across the street, then none of us would need to be looking online for someone. Right? Get it?).</u> <br><br> <b>7) Question:</b> What exactly are you looking for? <br><br> <b>Answer:</b> A romantic (intimate) relationship and long-term (on-going) girlfriend. This also includes the "possibility" of marriage. Thus, if this is not what you are looking for then you SHOULD NOT contact me. (P.S. I am NOT looking for a Facebook, email, telephone, texting or platonic friend. I am NOT looking for patients or customers either. So don't contact me for anything besides what is described above). <br><br> <b> 8) Question:</b>I'm a lesbian. I do not date men. Are you cool with meeting someone that wants to be "just friends"? <br><br> <b>Answer:</b> See answer #7 above. I am NOT looking for "just friends." You are in the wrong section. This is the romance section called "Men Seeking Women." You should be looking under "STRICTLY PLATONIC." <br><br> <b>9) Question:</b> I'm only 18 or 20. Don't you think you are too old for me? <br><br> <b>Answer:</b> DEPENDS on your level of "MATURITY," mental growth, intelligence and overall cognitive understanding. If you are MATURE for your age it shouldn't be a problem unless you are still playing with barbie dolls, teddy bears, video games, etc. <u>I'm in my 30's (Between 30-39). I won't tell you my exact age until we meet so don't ask beforehand.</u> Generally speaking the MAN should be OLDER than the woman because females <u>mature or age faster</u> than males (both physically and mentally). This is a scientific fact. For example, females reach puberty on average at age 9 or 10. Males don't reach puberty until 14 or 15 on average. Another reason why bigger or older age gaps work better is because older men have <u>more resources, maturity, education, life experiences, etc., to provide, treat or care for a woman properly.</u> Generally, men under age 40 are still considered "young" while women under 30 are considered "young." Age has a different meaning and consequence for men and women. <br><br> <b>10) Question ("Comment"): </b> You sound or seem rude, aggressive, controlling or cocky. Just like my asshole ex-boyfriend or husband. <br><br> <b>Answer:</b> And you sound ignorant just like my XXXXX ex-girlfriend. It's ignorant and ridiculous to judge someone so quickly without ever talking to them, meeting them and not even spending 10 minutes with them. <u>Trust me, I am not like your ex-boyfriend or husband. I'm much better. </u>Don't be quick to judge someone (especially negatively) until you really get to know them which takes time. <br><br> <b>11) Question:</b> Are you at least 6 foot tall? Do you have any tattoos or piercings? <br><br> <b> Answer:</b> NO. And if this is your first focus or priority don't contact me. Instead, you need to FIRST "educate" yourself about the keys to success and happiness in relationships. These are not based on how many tattoos or inches on a ruler. <br><br> <b>12) Question:</b> OK, so now what? I emailed you and never got a response back. Will I be sure I will get a response back?<br><br> <b>Answer:</b> The ONLY reason(s) you didn't get a response is/are, (1) You did not include ALL "6" items requested, or (2) Your message was rude, disrespectful or sarcastic in some way, or (3) I never got your email. Simply re-send and wait for a response within 24-hours. <br><br> <b>13) Question:</b> I am super cute and have a great body. Are you good enough for me?<br><br> <b>Answer:</b> Tell me something about yourself that I or other men cannot $$ PURCHASE $$ for a few dollars off the street and you will have my attention. Being cute or attractive is no doubt appealing but NOT sufficient. Sadly and more humorous, most girls think just being "cute" or "pretty" will get them far or that's all they need to be successful with men. Sorry, this is not the case especially with smarter and more intelligent men with resources. We know better and not easily fooled by just a "pretty" girl. You need more than "pretty" ladies, especially if you want something real, serious or long-term with a man. <br><br> <b>14) Question:</b> I have tattoos and piercings and sometimes I like to dye my hair different colors. Is that OK with you?<br><br> <b>Answer:</b> It's OK. I am more concerned about how you talk and behave with me and if you respect and appreciate a good man. That is the starting point and not how many tattoos you have UNLESS most or entire body is covered in tattoos or piercings or you got them when you were in prison. If so, we need to talk about it some more.<br><br> <b>15) Question:</b> Do you drink alcohol like beer or liquor? Do you smoke or do any type of drugs? Do you mind if I do? <br><br> <b>Answer:</b> NO and I don't mind if "you" do but this also depends on "your" frequency, type and reason for use or consumption. <br><br> <b>16) Question:</b> I like to be "spoiled" and I want to know how much you are going to spend on me. How much?<br><br> <b>Answer:</b> You sound like a gold-digger or prostitute. My headline says "Gentleman" or "Professional" it doesn't say $ATM$ Machine. If you are looking for an ATM Machine to finance and "spoil" yourself look somewhere else. You have to appreciate the <u>company</u> of a "gentleman" and at the same time appreciate any amount he spends on you, if any. He has no obligation to spend a dollar on you BUT he MAY depending on what he thinks you are worthy and deserving of (not what you think) and how well you reciprocate and show appreciation for it. If you are focused on his money instead of him or if you are a gold-digger, escort or prostitute don't bother. (P.S. I don't need to be online to find a XXXXX. Many of them walk the streets a few blocks from my house everyday and are easily accessible. Get it?) <br><br> <b>17) Question ("Comment"): </b> Sorry, I passed out in bed and wasn't able to call or text you back. Now I am in bed sick, I have a sore throat. My phone battery died too. <br><br> <b>Answer:</b> I think I have heard you say that before or that you had to take your dog to the vet or something else. If you have a <u>tendency</u> to make "excuses" for a lot of things, then you probably aren't ready for any friendship or relationship for that manner. So that gives you a hint. <u> If you are an "excuse-maker" don't contact me.</u> It won't get you far with me. <br><br> <b>18) Question:</b> Do you have any children? Do you have a wife or ever been married? <br><br> <b>Answer:</b> NO. <br><br> <b> 19) Question:</b> Hey I am looking for someone for my friend or sister and I thought your ad was cool. I want to introduce you to her. Is that OK?<br><br> <b> Answer: </b> That's good but I didn't hire you as my "match-finder." Thus, you can have your friend, sister or relative review this page and THEY can contact me directly as they wish. That works better. I am not really interested in talking to the "middle" person nor is that the best way to approach it. <br><br> <b>20) Question:</b> What type of music do you like? Do you like dogs? I need to know before I send you any information about myself.<br><br> <b>Answer:</b> NO other information about me besides what is already stated here until you supply the "6" items requested. Why? I don't want to spend a lot of time answering your questions UNTIL I know who you are and know you are serious. This will give me confidence that I'm not wasting a lot of time answering questions to a fake or phony person. As of right now, and if you have been reading this far, you know A LOT more about me than I know about you. <br><br> <b>21) Question ("Comment"): </b> I can only text or email you -OR- I can't talk much over the phone --OR- I will let you know in a few days when we can meet. <br><br> <b>Answer:</b> Seems like you aren't too serious and aren't looking for something real or serious either. If you are looking for a "texting" relationship or uncertain as to what exactly you want, then DO NOT contact me. If you have read this far, it should be clear to you what I am looking for. <br><br> <b>22) Question ("Comment"): </b> I am scared of "Internet" dating. I don't meet anyone from the Internet. <br><br> <b>Answer:</b> Then why are you on the "Internet" and searching here? You don't get into a car and start driving and then tell your passengers inside the car that you are afraid to drive. Either you are scared or not. Do yourself a favor. On the top right of your screen there is a "Log-Out" or "X" button. Close your screen and turn off your computer and hopefully your fear will go away soon. <br><br> <b>23) Question ("Comment"): </b> I am going to be evicted from my house and will be homeless soon. My parents are also going through a divorce and I have to go to Court next week. <br><br> <b>Answer:</b> Sounds like you have a lot of personal problems or distractions in your life at the moment. It's best to resolve whatever your personal tragedies or challenges are first and before you pursue a relationship with someone. <u>DO NOT contact me if you are too distracted from personal matters in your life because you are not ready to be in a real/serious relationship.</u> <br><br> <b>24) Question ("Comment"): </b> I have to work all this week and my school starts the week after. I am super busy and don't have time to meet or date for some time. <br><br> <b>Answer:</b> Similar to answer #23 above. It sounds like you don't have time for a "relationship" either which is like another "JOB." You have to be "available" and willing to set aside time to show up to the "JOB." You have to resolve whatever "outside" distractions or obstacles you have (i.e., other jobs, school, etc) so you can be available for at least 2-3 full days per week and at various times including weekends for dating, hanging out, etc. <u>DO NOT contact me if you are too "busy" or "unavailable"</u> because you are not ready to be in a real/serious relationship. You will not make any progress in that matter and in the area of relationships. </u> <br><br> <b>25) Question ("Comment"): </b> I can't date or go out unless my parents give me permission --OR- I have to be home by 10 pm because my parents will get mad --OR- My sister is next to me right now so I can't talk on the phone. <br><br> <b>Answer:</b> If you are 18 or 30 years old (legal adult) and your parents or siblings still "control" your decisions, then please don't contact me. I am not looking to "babysit" anyone or let you make me feel I am with a child. <u>You must be "free" from the decision or control of your parents, siblings or anyone else, otherwise this will interfere with the ability to focus on each other WITHOUT outside interference or distractions.</u> This does not mean you shouldn't respect or listen to your parents or other family members or that I am unwilling to meet or talk with them. It means that you should be able to control your own decision making and not tell me "I need to get my mom or dad's permission. . ." or "I can't go out tonight because my parent's or sister won't let me. . ." and things of that sort. <br><br> <b> 26) Question ("Comment"):</b> When you come pick me up, park down the street and not next to my house because I don't want my parents or anyone to see us --OR- I can't kiss you now because I don't want someone to see us or in the car together. <br><br> <b>Answer:</b> Similar to answer #25 above. It sounds like you are under the control of others and/or too immature, shy or embarrassed to be in a romantic relationships and/or concerned about "others" more than you are about "us." <u>I am NOT looking for a "secret, discreet or immature" relationship but something "open," "romantic," "mature," "friendly" and "formal."</u> Get it? <br><br> <b> 27) Question:</b> Why can't you XXX?! --OR- I want to know why XXX!?. <br><br> <b>Answer:</b> Asking questions is fine but "arguing" is NOT attractive. You have a right to disagree BUT if your intention is to "argue," just do us both a favor and don't contact me at all. Men, in general, are TURNED-OFF by aggressive or argumentative woman BECAUSE it is characteristic of a traditional "masculine" person and NOT someone feminine. Have you heard of the "Bitch" stereotype? That's what I mean. When men date the opposite sex they don't want to feel they are with another man but with a female. If this is your style, please DO NOT contact me because we won't get along. <br><br> <b>28) Question:</b> I don't think I'm your type or will have any chance with you. Should I still contact you?<br><br> <b>Answer:</b> You are welcomed and encouraged to contact me UNLESS you are not serious, don't like or disagree with anything I have stated in this ad or profile. <br><br> <b><u>** Thank you for taking the time to read my entire ad (profile) **</b></u> <ul> <li> Location: Antelope Valley</li> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</li></ul> 2013-08-28T11:21:56-07:00 &copy; 2014 <span class="desktop">craigslist</span><span class="mobile">CL</span> Professional Gentleman Looking for a "Worthy &amp; Deserving" Girl :-) text 1 bdrm apartment Perfect for college student!<br> <br> Quiet building, close to parks and public transportation<br> <br> Private secure entrance<br> Exposed brick <br> Fireplace<br> Spacious furnished bedroom<br> Overhead lighting<br> Stainless steel appliances<br> Plenty of closet space<br> <br> <br> Month to month <br> No pets<br> Non-smoker prefered<br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <ul> <li> Location: Hollywood</li> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</li></ul> <script type="text/javascript"> <!-- imgList = ["3597860708-3.jpg","3597860708-7.jpg","3597860708-5.jpg","3597860708-4.jpg","3597860708-8.jpg","3597860708-1.jpg","3597860708-6.jpg","3597860708-2.jpg"]; // --> </script> <figure class="iw"> <div id="thumbs"> <a href="3597860708-3.jpg" title="1"> <img src="3597860708-3T.jpg" alt="image 1"> </a> <a href="3597860708-7.jpg" title="2"> <img src="3597860708-7T.jpg" alt="image 2"> </a> <a href="3597860708-5.jpg" title="3"> <img src="3597860708-5T.jpg" alt="image 3"> </a> <a href="3597860708-4.jpg" title="4"> <img src="3597860708-4T.jpg" alt="image 4"> </a> <a href="3597860708-8.jpg" title="5"> <img src="3597860708-8T.jpg" alt="image 5"> </a> <a href="3597860708-1.jpg" title="6"> <img src="3597860708-1T.jpg" alt="image 6"> </a> <a href="3597860708-6.jpg" title="7"> <img src="3597860708-6T.jpg" alt="image 7"> </a> <a href="3597860708-2.jpg" title="8"> <img src="3597860708-2T.jpg" alt="image 8"> </a> </div> <div id="ci"> <img id="iwi" src="3597860708-3.jpg" alt=""> </div> </figure> 2013-02-06T07:47:04-08:00 &copy; 2014 <span class="desktop">craigslist</span><span class="mobile">CL</span> 1 bdrm apartment text Shaq $100,000 painting-drastic price reduction Oil on canvas paintings of Shaq by a famous Polish artist (famous in Eastern Europe and Russia).<br> <br> Valued at $100,000 each.<br> <br> Includes a $3,000 frame<br> <br> Includes a coffee table book, dedicated to Shaq by the artist<br> <br> I'm liquidating a $2 million dollar sport art collection.<br> <br> These are mostly actual life size paintings.<br> <br> Available are: Shaq (3) Magic, Magic/Jordan, Magic/Bird, Kobe (4), Yao Ming, Michael Jordan, Ali portrait, Ali over Liston (3), Michael Schumacher (3)<br> <br> No one, to my knowledge has done life size paintings of these athletes except I've seen a black and white life size of Ali priced at $100,000.<br> <br> THESE ARE NOT PRINTS, THEY ARE OIL ON CANVAS PAINTINGS<br> <br> THESE ARE NOT SPORTS MEMORABILIA, THESE ARE MUSEUM QUALITY ONE OF A KIND PAINTINGS <br> <br> The paintings are priced below what some small prints sell for. <br> <br> For instance, Kobe and Shaq (one of 99 prints) by Stephen Holland are listed any where from $7500 to $10,000 each (not including the frame or even stretcher bars).<br> <br> You will note there is no sales hype here. If you have any idea about Fine Art the facts will speak for themselves.<br> <br> To avoids scams I will only answer emails with a name and phone.<br> <br> Thank your for your interest. <br> <ul> <li> Location: Newport Beach</li> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</li></ul> <script type="text/javascript"> <!-- imgList = new Array("",""); // --> </script> <br><br> <div class="iw"> <div id="ci"><span><!-- --></span><img id="iwi" src="" alt=""></div> <div id="iwt"> <div class="tn"> <a href="" onclick="iwMouseover(0);return false;"><img src="" alt="image 0" onmouseover="iwMouseover(0);"></a> </div><br> <div class="tn"> <a href="" onclick="iwMouseover(1);return false;"><img src="" alt="image 1" onmouseover="iwMouseover(1);"></a> </div><br> </div> </div> 2012-08-28T21:43:18-07:00 &copy; 2014 <span class="desktop">craigslist</span><span class="mobile">CL</span> Shaq $100,000 painting-drastic price reduction text Lost your teeth? They're poolside Did you happen to lose your teeth while cavorting in the pool, or perhaps you took them out and put them poolside as you did laps and forgot to pick them back up when you were done? Well, they're waiting for you next to the POOL'S STAIRS where you DISGUSTINGLY LEFT THEM (unless you dropped them into the pool and some kids found them, thinking they were treasure...boy were they wrong).<br> <br> Since there are so many old people in this complex, I have no idea whose dentures these are...I'm not about to touch them except to kick them out onto the street (or maybe back into the deep end of the pool) if they're still there tomorrow. GROSS. GROSS. GROSS. Come on people, this is just N-A-S-T-Y. <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Elm and Whitworth, Beverly Hills <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> 2011-05-16T20:53:18-07:00 &copy; 2014 <span class="desktop">craigslist</span><span class="mobile">CL</span> Lost your teeth? They're poolside text Free Cello So my sister gave me this cello a couple years ago. It's a nice cello. Actually, it's a great cello. It's probably the best cello, but I don't really know much about cellos. Also the neck snapped off. Of the cello. So it's really more like 3/4's of a cello, but the other 1/4's still there, it's just not attached. It's kind of like you're getting two cellos, only one of them doesn't have a body and the other doesn't have a neck. But if you stand them up next to each other it's like old times. You could probably fix it with like some music glue or something like that. <br> <br> She also gave me a cello bag that I can give to you too, now that I won't have a cello. It's a really nice cello bag. You can fit everything in it. Actually, there might even be a bow in the bag, I'm not sure. I don't want you to think that there's 100% a bow in the bag. It's way over there, I can't check right now. But if it's in there it's yours. <br> <br> If you're like me and you don't know how to play the cello then you could use it as a coin bank. It's hollow and there are two S's on the front that you could drop the coins through. Then when it's filled up you could drop it off of your roof or carry it around like a change purse. Ooh, in the cello bag. It'd be like a cello purse. I'd do it but I'm moving across the country and it won't fit in my car. What else could you do with it. You could saw the front off and use it as a sled. Or give the neck to a baby as like a wizard stick for Christmas. Totally give this cello to someone for Christmas. Or Hanukkah. <br> <br> Please come get it. I'm in Echo Park. I'd actually go somewhere to meet you if wherever we're going is a cool place. Like the desert or something. <br> <br> I'm 90% certain the bow's in there. <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Echo Park <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> 2010-12-13T19:32:49-08:00 &copy; 2014 <span class="desktop">craigslist</span><span class="mobile">CL</span> Free Cello text re: novel editor wanted by an idiot You SERIOUSLY, with a straight face, typed that you wanted someone to edit your novel for $25...... <br> <br> Bud, you take the Craigslist idiot cake. You really do. I have seen some pretty low lowball ads in here, but you just took it to a whole 'nother level of low. <br> <br> WTF? I mean it. What the hell is in your crack pipe? <br> <br> Tell you what. Why don't you hike your ass over here paint my house for $45. The whole thing, front yard to back yard. two stories. Don't forget the garage. <br> <br> No, better yet. Hope about you rebuild my Explorer transmission for $62. <br> <br> Or, can you replace all the pluming in my house for $87.46 <br> <br> And then, when you are done, I'll edit your fucking novel for $25. <br> <br> You people... I swear... <br><br><ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests <li> Compensation: no pay </ul> 2009-10-14T20:49:50-07:00 &copy; 2014 <span class="desktop">craigslist</span><span class="mobile">CL</span> re: novel editor wanted by an idiot text Beautiful fly I caught a fly. <br> Shimmers green, red eyes. <br> Measures approximately 9mm by 5mm, flies great. <br> Want to give to a good home. <br> <br> <img src=""> <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Long Beach <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> 2009-09-10T22:29:53-07:00 &copy; 2014 <span class="desktop">craigslist</span><span class="mobile">CL</span> Beautiful fly text I submit this brief in support of why we TOTALLY should get it on. - w4m You & Me Doing It v. You & Me Not Doing It (2009) <br> <br> Using that IRAC method we've been learning about, a compelling brief on why we should hump each other’s brains out. <br> <br> FACTS: <br> <br> You’re in my class at law school. You are tall, dark and very masculine. I find you quite attractive and it’s really distracting. I find reasons to look in your direction during class and I blatantly stare at you whenever we pass by one another. You seem to be returning the looks but I can’t figure out if you’re eye-raping me back, or if it’s more of a “what the fuck is this girl staring at” kind of look. I’m not Megan Fox, but if I was a guy, I don't think I'd kick me out of bed, so I dare to hope it’s the former? <br> <br> Anyway, we’re expected to absorb class material sufficiently enough to one day pass the bar exam, and this is difficult when I’m more focused on what’s behind your zipper. It’s probably distracting to you as well for some chick to be gawking at you while you’re trying to cram massive amounts of information into your brain. (And I’m thinking about cramming appendages of yours into orifices of mine.) <br> <br> ISSUE: <br> <br> Should we have wild, crazy, meaningless animal sex? <br> <br> RULE: <br> <br> Distractions can be very detrimental to success in law school, and should be eliminated whenever possible. <br> <br> ANALYSIS: <br> <br> As detailed above in the facts, my desire to be plowed by you is a major distraction from my studies. It’s got to be a distraction to you as well since it’s probably unnerving to be stared at by a predatory sex-starved woman as if she wants to take a bite out of you. Per the above rule, this distraction to both of us needs to be eliminated for us to graduate from law school and pass the bar exam. <br> <br> Solution? We get it on! I get it out of my system. You not only get laid, but you get the added benefit of not feeling my eyes burning into the side of your head (or your crotch) all through class. We move happily along with our legal education unimpeded by the distraction of sexual tension. <br> <br> Afraid of possible disadvantages? I’ll address any potential concerns here. The quotes are you, and my response follows. <br> <br> “Will I catch any diseases?” Nope. Clean as a whistle. Just got out of a long-term relationship and have only been with one person for the past 3 years. Got tested anyway though, and all is well in My-Vagina Land. (Except for its burning desire to be filled with your throbbing manhood.) <br> <br> “Will you stalk me, or expect a relationship or commitment in return?” NO. You get free NSA sex. As mentioned above, I’m recently out of a long-term relationship. I’m not ready for another one nor do I have the time. <br> <br> “What if it’s really bad, and we end up having to awkwardly avoid one another in class for the next 4 years?” I don’t plan on it being bad, at least on my end. Hopefully our encounter (or encounters, if it was so crazy awesome we decided to make it an ongoing FB arrangement) would go as follows: We leave class after our respective long days of work and school, both cranky, irritable and in desperate need of blowing off some steam. We go to your place or mine, whichever is closer. Maybe we engage in various acts of foreplay, or maybe we’re both ready to get to the main attraction so fuck it. You look like you would be HUGE, but I will still bravely tackle that monster and try my best to deep throat the whole thing. You then throw me down on the bed, floor, or any available surface, and have your way with me. This would ideally involve some spanking, hair pulling, and/or explicit dirty talk. <br> <br> “What if a lot of women in the class stare at me, and I’m not sure which one you are? What if you’re one of the old or fat chicks, or really ugly?” I’m not going to describe my exact appearance because I will die of embarrassment if someone else in the class sees this and even speculates as to who I am. (Particularly a man I have dubbed Leery McPervert who stares at me the way I probably stare at you. I don’t want that dirty old man getting a boner knowing I’m all juiced up in class.) Yes I know I haven't even identified the law school, but I'm paranoid so bite me. (I mean that in the vernacular sense. But if you want to take it literally, I'd enjoy that too.) Anyway, I’m close to your age (twentysomething). When I look at myself I see “cute” but I get told I’m pretty, “beautiful” even. I’m not perfect, but I get hit on, catcalled and sexually harassed frequently enough to assume I must be at least somewhat doable. I even think I’ve seen you giving me a look or two. Or maybe it’s just wishful thinking. <br> <br> CONCLUSION: <br> <br> For both of us to succeed in law school and ultimately pass the bar exam (and for me to not end up on the Megan's Law website for losing all self-restraint, walking across the room in the middle of class, and mounting you), we will need to have sex ASAP. Sexual proposition affirmed. <br> <br><br><ul> <li> Location: law school <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> 2009-09-06T21:52:30-07:00 &copy; 2014 <span class="desktop">craigslist</span><span class="mobile">CL</span> I submit this brief in support of why we TOTALLY should get it on. - w4m text From an Old Woman to a Young Woman 1. You are not a victim. No matter what happens to you, don't take the pussy route and blame the world for your misfortune. If you were sexually assaulted, verbally abused, etc and lived to tell about it; take your pain and help those who need it. Writing emo poetry isn't going to solve anything. <br> <br> 2. Invest in your education first, your looks second. Anyone can pay a plastic surgeon to look hot, but not everyone can read a book and do simple math. <br> <br> 3. No matter what you call it, having a <b>'man to take you shopping'</b> is glorified prostitution. He wants you for your body, you want him for his wallet. Cut the crap and call it what it is. <br> <br> 4. Do not seek confidence in other people. Magazines, celebrities and most pop influences are there to make you feel like you're nothing. Don't buy into it. Those celebrities need your money to look fabulous. Invest in yourself, not hype. <br> <br> 5. Stop fueling gossip mongers <i>[Perez Hilton, TMZ.]</i>. They have nothing to talk about and if you follow them for long, neither will you. <br> <br> 6. Be modest; why have all your goods unwrapped and leave nothing for the imagination? <br> <br> 7. Know the difference between fucking and love. There is a major difference and if you don't know it, pick up a book or ask someone who does. <br> <br> 8. Do not have children just because you're lonely or insecure. Your child will end up hating you for it and you won't get the emotional blanket you hoped you'd get. <br> <br> 9. Get a job. Seriously. Just because you're a woman doesn't mean that you are excused from work. Find a trade, get a job. If you are a house wife, be a good one. If you are a career woman, put your heart into what you do. <br> <br> 10. A respectable companion is rarely at a <b>'bar'</b> or <b>da club'</b>. These places are meat markets and will only set you up for a douchebag or a wimp. If you go, refer to rule 7. <br> <br> 11. Learn to cook. Cooking is a dying skill that needs not be. You'd be surprise how much weight you lose and how you can get a decent companion if you know more than picking up a phone and calling for dinner. <br> <br> 12. Get off your phone. If it's not your best friend, your job or your family, your cackling is not important and the rest of the world does not want to hear it. Listen more. Talk less. <br> <br> 13. Stop putting so much of your money into things <b>[purses, shoes, make up]</b> and start putting it into a savings account, a 401k or an IRA. Those shoes are not going to vest when you turn 65. <br> <br> 14. Stop using men to get you stuff. Have some self respect and buy your own drinks, meals and entertainment. A date will respect you more if you show them you are not helpless. <br> <br> 15. Perfume and baby powder does not make up for good hygiene. Shower, do your laundry, clean your place. Body odor is not excusable for either genders. <br> <br> 16. If you are a Lesbian, respect yourself and stop trying to find acceptance in the world. 9/10 they will not accept you. Tell them 'fuck you' and be your own woman. <br> <br> 17. If you are a Lesbian, you are not anymore special or important than anyone else. You love other women and you have that right, but do not flex your preference thinking it makes you unique. Your mind and experiences make you unique, either gay or straight. <br> <br> 18. Buy clothes that fit. Be tasteful with your clothing be you big or small. <br> <br> 19. Don't eat for comfort, vomit to make yourself beautiful, and starve yourself to feel loved. Exercise, be sensible with your food choices, don't deprive yourself but never eat too much. The quickest way to a size 30, and to the grave, is past your teeth. <br> <br> 20. If they say the love you, ask them to earn your heart through good deeds, genuine kindness and respect. <br> <br> 21. Romance is not dead; but if you're not willing to give it, don't expect it in return. <br> <br> 22. Stop being a bitch to other women and other people. If you are not happy, go get therapy. No one deserves to be berated because you don't have the guts to berate yourself. <br> <br> 23. Do something new every day. Pole dance to learn about your sensuality, paint to express your creativity, write a blog to express your soul. Evolve and never stop learning. <br> <br> 24. Look in the mirror everyday and smile at what you see. <br> <br> 25. Stay safe. Learn to defend yourself against one or multiple attackers. Jackals do not attack if they see a big stick. If all else fails, run. There is no shame in running if it keeps you safe. <br> <br> 26. Love yourself. Always. When you love yourself to the fullest, the world will open with opportunities <br><br><ul> <li> Location: LAX <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> 2009-09-01T13:22:16-07:00 &copy; 2014 <span class="desktop">craigslist</span><span class="mobile">CL</span> From an Old Woman to a Young Woman text Wanted - Rollerskating waitresses Ok.. this is going to sound a little crazy...but here's the deal. I'm turning 40, and I live downtown in a loft...and I'm having a huge, I mean a HUGE party....I'm expecting 100 people and a lot of shit talking. <br> <br> Since I'm world famous for my parties (it's my ad, I can make shit up).. I'm really trying to out do myself. Therefore, I though it would be cool to have roller skating waitresses (since the loft has cement floors) skate around and hand out h'ordourves to all the cats that attend this bash. <br> <br> so.. I'm looking for friendly, outgoing..and somewhat sexy roller skating models (I mean this is LA.. I'm not that out of control) mingle and flirt with my guests and generally have a good time. <br> <br> I can guarantee you that this is the baddest party you will ever attend...let alone work.. and since my friends are mostly broke motherfuckers.. they are going to eat all the food in the first 90 mins... so you will then be getting paid to skate and drink and crash into my furniture.... <br> <br> This party is happening on August 29th, 2009 <br> <br> here's what matters: <br> <br> 1) you have a sense of humor. I'm like hella sarcastic and so are most of my peeps.. if you can't take a's gonna suck. <br> <br> 2) You need to look good in a skirt. Look I'll be honest.. I only turn 40 once.. and I'm planning on destroying most of my ability to remember what the fuck happened (esp. if the cops come)..but it would be nice to be in awe of how awesome you look in a skirt... <br> <br> 3) You must be sane. Don't get me wrong.. I love crazy women.. almost married one...but not drunk on skates in my house. <br> <br> 4) You must have some cool friends... cause if you get this gig.. I'll ask you to invite some of your peeps (cause the more the merrier and I think it'll be less weird...if there are some people there that you know. <br> <br> 5) you have to have you own skates (ok.. I realize this is not the 70's.. and this is the film industry.. .if you are really interested.. I can find you a pair of skates.....but the looking hot in a skirt thing is still non-negiotable) <br> <br> please respond with your name, age, city you live in, recent pic and your personal assessment of your roller skating abilities. Also, sexy comes in a lot of just believe in yourself... if I was looking to book a 6 pack of well endowed blondes...I would have stated that in my ad. <br> <br> laters <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Downtown <li> Compensation: $20/hr...two hr min... 5 hr max <li>Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. <li>Please, no phone calls about this job! <li>Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.</ul> 2009-08-03T11:34:58-07:00 &copy; 2014 <span class="desktop">craigslist</span><span class="mobile">CL</span> Wanted - Rollerskating waitresses text I literally just got the message you put in my coffee... - m4w You--a cute barista who tried to save me from a bad date <br> Me--clueless <br> <br> You probably won't remember this, but I have thought about it every day since it happened, and although it happened about 10 years ago it only just occurred to me that your memory might also be haunted by the very same event, and that you likely have been waiting for a reciprocating sign all this time. Also, I may have inadvertently recently watched a suggestive Sandra Bullock movie, the kind that, in the right state of mind, makes otherwise implausible plot twists seem like personally directed cosmic prophecy. <br> <br> Anyway, here is what happened: in 1999 I was a grad student at UCLA and made the mistake (or perhaps was guided by Destiny, which now in retrospect seems so obviously the case) of agreeing to a blind date, set up by this guy who worked in our IT department but who happened to be a grad student in the Slavic Languages department and whose girlfriend had a lonely friend who had recently moved to town and who wanted to meet someone. My apparent qualifications for this assignment were that 1) I was alive; 2) I had earlier helped this guy set up an amazing color laser printer in his office with the unspoken yet clearly implicit condition that I would thereafter have free access to color printouts (though future events prevented me from ever taking advantage of the opportunity) and he was therefore forever in my debt and felt that plugging back in the life-support system that my hospice-bound love life had been on was a suitable repayment for services rendered; and 3) I happened to be strolling along the hallway outside his office just as he received the plaintive call from his girlfriend demanding some sort of romantic intervention on her friend's behalf immediately, lest his own well-being be threatened (this last bit I gathered myself as his door was open while I walked by). I had some time between resetting my experiments and while my data collection was cooking I thought "what the hell." Hell, indeed. She was from Seattle and was also part of the Slavic Languages department (that was the last time I'll be mentioning "slavic languages" by the way), she was very thin and pale, had multiple facial piercings, and seemed like someone who while having an instinctual ease around coffee also seemed to require regular doses of it in order to maintain her drollness and obvious contempt for the banal. And I had a calculator-watch. Thus, I suggested we take a walk over to the Kerkhoff coffee house on campus. That is where the divine hand of Fate intervened and I almost met you. <br> <br> Now, I had been to that particular coffee shop many many times before, partly for the coffee and partly for these amazing chocolate croissants which really have nothing to do with this story except that they were almost good enough to warrant an expletive and have also left a lasting impression on me, to the point where I may have been distracted from noticing you, my lost love, the Universe's true purpose in leading me there with promises of chocolate and caffeine. The point is, I was relatively familiar with the menu and had not previously experienced any untoward degree of surprise, consternation, or disappointment in food or beverage items that I had purchased there and so was totally unprepared for the significance of what would soon happen. So it was that with a degree of brazen ennui, my closest attempt at posing as a hip coffee aficionado in my present company, after the thin pale lady ordered something that seemed unnecessarily complicated for a Tuesday afternoon I approached the counter and placed my order. At what should have been one of the greatest most illuminating moments of my life, basking in the heavenly glory of your blue cap and apron like the halo and robes of an angel sent to Earth as a revelation just for me while the lights dimmed and Dreamweaver played for us in the sparkling universe of which we were the only two inhabitants, I was instead distracted and intimidated by the thin pale lady into ordering something whose name was not part of a language I spoke on a regular basis, but which I at least knew did not have anything to do with ice cream, as random as that fact may seem. You knew this as well, my sweet one, and this is how you tried to save me. I am only sorry that it has taken me so long to realize it. <br> <br> After picking up our drinks (she paid for hers herself which I was more than happy to go along with, given how scary some of her piercings looked close up) we took a small table for two next to a wall and below one of the several speakers placed around the coffee house which happened to be playing something by Smashing Pumpkins, which also happened to be the description of an activity that I would have enjoyed far more than the ensuing coffee talk that I was now dreading. I'm not saying she was a horrible person--she seemed nice enough apart from her contempt for my attempt to order a sophisticated coffee drink at a university coffee shop a little after lunchtime on an otherwise nondescript weekday--but clearly the Universe knew, you knew, and I was slowly coming to realize that she was not only not The One but that I would have to come up with an entirely different strategy for getting free color printouts. The music was just loud enough that I could barely hear her as she went on and on about memes and phonemes, and as I sipped the coffee drink you had given me I began to become even more despondent as I realized that I would also have to find an alternate path instead of the hallway where the IT guy's office was. That is when your message literally slapped me in the face and changed everything. <br> <br> As I tipped my cup back for another sip, a perfectly formed scoop of jamoca almond fudge ice cream rolled out of the coffee, like Excalibur emerging from the depths, to the rim of the cup and onto my nose. Needless to say, I was shocked, stunned almost to the point of cardiac arrest. This had never happened to me before in my entire life! My "date" was clearly embarrassed and surely took it as yet another of the many vulgarities associated with my being a member of the untouchable caste when it came to coffee. But the point is, there was a scoop of ice cream in my coffee! I had not asked for such a thing, and in fact had never even heard of or known that such a thing was possible. It is true that there was an ice cream place in the same general area as the coffee place, but in the endless serial reconstructions narrated by my own internal F. Lee Bailey I simply cannot think of a way that a scoop of ice cream could have accidentally appeared in my coffee. It was only much later that I realized that you, my love, are the only one who could have put it there as a final effort to save me from thoughts of smashing pumpkins, to give me an out, and to let me know that you saw me, and I mean that in a Joy-Luck-Club kind of way. It had the effect both you and I were looking for, but I didn't know it at the time. For the rest of the time we were there I could not stop marveling at how a scoop of ice cream had ended up in my coffee, I must have said exactly that at least a dozen times. I'm sure soon thereafter as the thin pale lady re-told stories of her worst dates I would come to be known as the ice cream guy. But now, so many years later it is with a Hemingway-esque regret that I think to myself late at night: why didn't I look over to the coffee counter to see you there, my savior, my Lady of the Latte, my love? Would you have smiled and tipped your cap to let me know that everything was going to be ok? Would you have thrown off your apron and gone running barefoot with me through the grass of Meyerhoff park to that special place where the Bee girl from that Blind Melon video seemed to finally find acceptance and contentment? Instead, I wiped my nose, finished my coffee and ice cream, and accompanied the thin pale lady back to wherever it is that the Slavic peoples go. I never saw her again. But alas, I never saw you again either. <br> <br> I looked for you, from time to time, but looking back I never really knew what you looked like; I was only ever aware of the warmth I felt, much as when one sits in the sun on a Spring day, that I am absolutely positive had more to do with you than the steamers and kettles and lack of air conditioning. I always trusted that somehow I would just recognize you when I found you and know without doubt that it was you, much in the same way that people think about the afterlife or a really great pair of shoes, where everything seems right and seems to fit in a way it never has before. <br> <br> To this day, with each cup of coffee I pause and wonder what will emerge as I tip the cup back for a sip, wondering if today will be the day that somehow I find you again, if not through a message in my coffee then maybe something more conventional although still just as original, coming from you. So far, every cup has been just another cup of coffee. <br> <br> Anyway, if you remember a dorky looking science guy who came in every once in a while and who you took pity on and saved from a truly awkward social experience sometime shortly after Grunge had peaked and by whom you found yourself slightly intrigued, look me up. We'll go for coffee. Or ice cream. Your choice. <br><br><ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> 2009-03-29T15:26:50-07:00 &copy; 2014 <span class="desktop">craigslist</span><span class="mobile">CL</span> I literally just got the message you put in my coffee... - m4w text Letter to Lindsay Lohan &amp;amp; Samantha Ronson Can Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson Please Make a Sex Tape Before They Break Up?<p> One night in Paris. Pam & Tommy. Kim Kardashian getting peed on. Screech. Mini-me. We've seen all kindsa celebrity sex tapes, but aside from some non-shocking old porn footage of Dita Von Teese, we have yet to see any celebrity lesbian ones. <p> Our lonely eyes turn to you, Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson. <p> These two have a hot minute left before Lohan returns to the cock from whence she came. That Chase Crawford thing was a close call. I beseech thee Mrs. Ronson: Get that firecrotch on film! <p> (You could even produce the soundtrack. Bowm-chicka-bow-bowm.) <p> Frankly, I'm surprised that a sex tape hasn't turned up already. I mean, we've had so many near misses with Lindsay already: the fake Calum Best cellular blow job, the dirty sanchez from Wilmer Valderrama, the t-bone shoved up her ass by Harry Morton... shall I go on? <p> Lindsay, the sex tape hungry public will not rest until we are presented with a Young Hollywood Sapphic film fest. Your coy hand-holding and lip-locked pics with Samantha could never satiate our lust for lesbos getting freaky. Show us the clit-grinding, the freckled vagina-fisting, the mutual titty-tweaking we deserve. I dare say, bah-lezbug! <p> Super seriously guys, the only way for Lindsay to ultimately prove her lesbian love for Samantha is to provide the Internet with a series of labia-licking images so powerful and indelible, no one could ever question her sexuality again. Samantha should think of this video as a prenuptial agreement of sorts: If LiLo truly loved SamRo, she'd just do it. <p> (And while she's at it, Sam should probably go ahead with those breast implants -- even if she does just duct tape them back down again afterwards.) <p> As for the content of the sex tape itself, I suggest they film a re-enactment of their "first time". It should take place mere hours before Lindsay's drunken joy ride and subsequent arrest during the Summer of '07. <p> Scene: The gals slip into the bathroom at a friend's house party. Lindsay snorts a line of blow off of Samantha's arm. Then she sniffs up the remaining coke dust tangled in Samantha's arm hair and looks deep into her little beady brown eyes. Suddenly consumed with a wet 'n wild passion, they tear off each other's clothes and hop into the shower. Using a Pantene bottle as a makeshift double-sided dildo, the girls fiercely bump soaking wet beavers until they simultaneously explode in an epileptic fit of lesbionic quivers. Afterwards, Lindsay accidentally puts on Samantha's pants, and the two argue about who's skinnier. <p> Roll credits. <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Hollyweird <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> 2009-02-28T18:28:33-08:00 &copy; 2014 <span class="desktop">craigslist</span><span class="mobile">CL</span> Letter to Lindsay Lohan &amp;amp; Samantha Ronson text Roommate needed, but try not to actually live here, just pay Seeking a roommate for a hypothetical apartment share, search criteria as I've been finding on other Craiglist ads. I prefer a roommate who has an outside job, so they are not at home most of the week, and travel often, because I just want your rent money and don't actually want you living here. No music, no pets, absolutely no overnight guests! Please refrain from showing any aspect of your humanity and/or ability to love. <br><br> You may have seen this ad up for six weeks, and that is because I can't find anyone who suits my ridiculous needs. This does not tell me to modify them, rather, I simply place new ads. This time I checked "cat and dog" okay, although under no circumstances are you to bring an animal into my home. Perhaps someone else wrote this ad for me, and checked that box unbeknownst to me. At least, that is the story I will stick to when you call. I can't be bothered to be aware of the ads regarding my own apartment. <br><br> Far be it from me to be realistic, I will behave as if I'm offering you an opportunity to live a life of LA luxury; however, it's just the smallest room available in my apartment that I obviously can't afford alone. Despite my personal economic situation, your lack of a high-paying job will not be acceptable. Actors and other artists are today's lepers. Stay in your colonies. <br><br> Nowhere on Earth is a living room considered a private room, except in my magical apartment. This is because I have hung a magic sheet. <br><br> Also, I will subject you to a CIA-level background check, and credit check, as well as require first and last month's rent and a security deposit three times the amount anyone could describe as reasonable. There is no lease involved so you will be simply hoping the deposit money isn't lost, but let's face is. Small claims court takes years. <br><br> I will tell you absolutely nothing about myself. Please send pics. <br><br><ul> <li>cats are OK - purrr <li>dogs are OK - wooof <li> Location: Los Angeles <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> 2009-01-26T23:10:03-08:00 &copy; 2014 <span class="desktop">craigslist</span><span class="mobile">CL</span> Roommate needed, but try not to actually live here, just pay text girl who dumped me over the phone at 1:30am - m4w You called me at 1:30 AM to tell me over and over that you don't want to be with me any more. The problem is, I don't know who you are, and I tried to explain that. <br> <br> In retrospect, it would have been more fun to play along, but I was a bit too groggy to think fast. Oh well, next time a wrong number breaks up with me, I'll be ready. <br> <br> Give me a call if you want to practice dumping guys, I guess my number's probably in your phone now. Try to call before 10 though. <br><br><ul> <li> Location: 818 <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> 2009-01-18T01:57:45-08:00 &copy; 2014 <span class="desktop">craigslist</span><span class="mobile">CL</span> girl who dumped me over the phone at 1:30am - m4w text Eager receipient looking for mailman who can really deliver - w4m Dear USPS, <br> <br> I understand that you're the underdog. In today's digital age, your 6 day a week, "snail mail" service seems strangely out of date. In the past few years dozens of slick, corporate competitors have cropped up across the country, stealing your business and sapping your credibility. Yet I always root for the underdog, USPS, and when friends recommend I FedEx, UPS, or, God forbid, DHL, I always say no. Because you, USPS, are a federal entity. And you're also cheap. <br> <br> Until I moved to Los Angeles, I never had a problem with you. Of course, Freshman year of college I didn't send a lot of mail, but I never noticed anything amiss when I did. However when I moved out of the dorms into the lovely streets of South Central, things started to go awry. Rent checks sent only a few miles would magically arrive weeks or months late, if at all. I looked like a flake, USPS, and it was your fault. <br> <br> I figured these strange disappearances were purely the fault of slackers at Dockweiler station. Yet when I moved up to Pasadena, things only got worse. Packages came days late. Mail received was mostly not mine. Bills never arrived. I was willing to put up with this for a while, USPS, until our November gas bill disappeared, and our gas was shut off for two weeks in December. That's right, USPS, two 39 degree, rainy weeks without hot water, stove, or heat. Not okay. <br> <br> And now you say that the package I delivery confirmed and sent overnight to Los Angeles, 90049, on Tuesday, less than a forty five minutes drive south, is lost. According to the tracking number, it was first sent to Santa Clarita, forty five minutes NORTH, before being "delivered" somewhere in Pasadena this morning. Excuse me? My old rent checks were supposed to arrive at Los Angeles 90043, just nearby. Is there some kind of cursed no man's land in the heart of LA where mailmen are loathe to set foot? If so, you can tell me. I'm a friend. I want to believe you. <br> <br> But if that's not the case, USPS, this behavior is unacceptable. And before you even ask, I know how to use your labeling machines. In fact, I'd sent a check overnight to Idaho just the night before with the same machine. So don't tell me that it's my fault, USPS, that your drivers & sorters cannot read the zip code on the printed labels that your machine spit out. I paid six dollars for you to confirm delivery to the address listed. Not to lose the package two days after it was supposed to arrive. <br> <br> USPS, you need to shape up or ship out. There's already little time in our modern society for a Sunday holiday. I currently have a stack of mail by my door that doesn't belong to me. In fact, the correct addresses are neatly written and often typed, so I could easily walk the neighborhood and deliver them to their proper owners. But I won't. Because that's not my job, USPS. It's yours. <br> <br> So do it right. <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Pasadena <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> 2009-01-09T15:18:54-08:00 &copy; 2014 <span class="desktop">craigslist</span><span class="mobile">CL</span> Eager receipient looking for mailman who can really deliver - w4m text