Some revolting stuff came up during health questions yesterday. For Alan Johnson, the health secretary, who is facing what might be a lengthy fight with the GPs, this disgusting material must have been quite a relief. For example, we heard from Mike Penning, a Tory newly promoted to the front bench. He claimed that the lack of NHS dentists meant patients were "pulling out their own teeth with pliers, and using superglue to put their caps back on". Plus doing their own fillings with Black & Decker drills, he might have added.

Mr Johnson pooh-poohed this. It was a myth. "Anyone pulling their teeth with pliers needs more medical care than a dentist can provide," he said. "We are countering this ridiculous nonsense that is going around."

Mr Penning scowled angrily, like someone who has tried to do his own root canal work with the help of a lawn strimmer.

Then MPs got onto the dangers of tanning salons. In medieval times they flayed a miscreant's skin as a form of extreme punishment. Now people pay to have it done, and their skin comes up in disgusting red weals. Dawn Primarolo, the junior minister, promised a "review", which is New Labour's homeopathic remedy for almost everything, in that it sounds impressive but has no discernible effect.

Right on cue, homeopathy's best friend in parliament, David Tredinnick, was up demanding that primary care trusts copy the "patient-centred work" of the Royal London Homeopathic Hospital (Try going there with a broken leg. A one in 10-million solution of arnica may not help you much).

Most MPs are polite to Mr Tredinnick, who is seen as harmless . But Roger Marris, for Labour, stood up and pointed out that there was no scientific evidence for homeopathy.

Sometimes their dilutions are so weak that the medicine contains not a single molecule of the active ingredient, though it's alleged that the water "holds its memory". Mr Marris asked scornfully, "we use a lot of recycled water - why does it not have a memory of the faeces that have been in it, and make us all sick?"

Up in the press gallery we were beginning to feel pretty queasy ourselves, but Ms Primarolo is made of more robust material. She said the government was looking at the cost effectiveness of many treatments, including alternative medicines.

So Dr Evan Harris, a Lib Dem, was just as contemptuous. "If the effectiveness is zero," he pointed out, his lip curling, "there can be no cost-effectiveness." Ms Primarolo repeated her earlier answer. She is a great believer in repeat prescriptions.

Just as we thought we could relax, or even manage some weak tea and toast, we got onto the subject of children who have disgustingly yellow teeth with the enamel stripped off. This is a result of them eating large quantities of toothpaste. So toothpaste - toothpaste! - is now a poison.

Our stomachs were churning now, like toddlers who have eaten worms followed by a pound of chocolate. So it was, finally, a relief to get on to angry GPs.

Andrew Lansley, the shadow health secretary, accused Mr Johnson of "threatening" the doctors, who say they don't want to work extra hours in evenings and at weekends.

Mr Johnson said he had not made any threats to anyone. It was just that he intended to go ahead with his plan from April, and would be consulting in the meantime.

The minister is the mildest of men, but his words clearly meant more than their affable tone implied. "Nice little salary you're earning here, doc. Wouldn't want anything unpleasant to happen to that salary, now would we?"