Deafened Pleas

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  1. #1
    That guy Eraizaa-kun's Avatar
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    Default Deafened Pleas

    *story ready for grading*

    Deafened Pleas

    “Can't you hear them, the cries for help that echo throughout the world?” whispered a young woman who sat in a corner of the path.

    Chapter 1: Cries from the Ashes

    “No, I can't hear them,” replied the innocent voice of a little blond girl.

    A stern hand hidden in beige cloth quickly pulled the girl away towards the village.

    A frightened yet concern voice saying, “Stay away from that woman,” and the ripple of the little girl's blue skirt was all the young woman could grasp at. With her one light blue and one dark brown eyes hidden behind the darkness of her hair, there wasn't much she could hope to gather.

    Besides, her mind was trapped in the echoes that had brought her there. Someone's voice shouting, “Help me! Help me!” She kept pondering about it.

    “Where was that voice coming from? I can't even tell if it's a woman or a man shouting. Maybe I have been hearing them both all along,” she kept thinking to herself trying to make sense of the situation.

    She looked up towards what would have been clear skies she loved as a little farm girl, but, she failed to gaze at it through the thickness of these greed woods.

    Shifting her sight towards the large group of small wooden houses ahead she kept thinking, “Why isn't anyone doing something?... Am I really the only one who can hear it?...I guess that would explain why it didn't take long for everyone to take me as crazy.”

    She sighed and swiftly stood up. As she began to pass her white hands through her plain brown kimono she said to herself, “Well, if everyone already thinks I'm crazy, then what do I have to lose? I'm going to find out where these voices are coming from one way or another.”

    She ran towards the old village with a decisive look in her eyes. As she did, she glanced to a side for and noticed a sign. Although she passed too quickly to read the whole thing, she noticed a strange word on it, “Poké”. Something at that sign struck at her, but she didn't stop to think about it. The villagers walking all around, apparently aimlessly, would look at her out of the corner of their eyes.

    Whispered about her began to echo a bit through the air, “There's that Kaitousha girl again...Did you hear she hears dead people?...She's crazy...Someone should do something about her...”

    The woman kept going, ignoring the words and looks of the ones around her when suddenly, it happened again.

    “Help me! Help me!” the voice began to echo again.

    Kaitousha stopped listened. She began looking around to find the source of the cry, but couldn't tell where it was coming from. She could tell the cries were coming from the village at first, but once inside, it was like the voice came from the village itself somehow.

    Frustrated, she clenched her fists and shouted to the skies, “Where are you!? Tell me where you are!”

    At that moment, the sky turned black and everyone around her vanished. The smell of smoke and the crackling sounds of flames suddenly filled the air.

    “What...What happened?!” said Kaitousha to herself as she took some uneasy steps.

    Her panic rushed even further when she realized the village was on fire.

    She was just about to run when she heard a mature female voice screaming, “Help me! Somebody, please, help me!”

    This time she was sure where it was coming from. She turned around and saw a couple wrapped in black cloths running from a mob of people. Although, there was something wrong with what she was seeing. The tall woman and the man, she could see them in such detail, the pale whiteness of their skin, the shimmering glow of their light blue hair, the fear and tears in their deep white eyes, but the mob, it was as if the couple was being followed by shadows holding knives and swords. As they were getting closer and closer, Kaitousha noticed that the woman was holding something in her arms wrapped in her clothing.

    As the black clothing began to unfold around whatever she was holding, Kaitousha suddenly felt someone pull her by the arm saying, “That's enough out of you!”

    She couldn't see well who had pulled her as her eyesight was blinded for a split second, but it came back to her and she found herself being taken by some big men wearing green kimonos. Anyone else would have put at least some resistance, but her mind was elsewhere as everything around her had apparently gone back to normal. The village was okay, the sky was blue again, and the people were just staring at her with glares that seemed to shout, “She's crazy!” and “She's getting what she deserves.”

    As she was thrown into a small room and had the door closed behind her, she finally snapped out of it. Kaitousha ran towards the door, but it was no use. The door was sturdy and closed tightly. Realizing she was now a prisoner, probably due to her earlier outburst, tear began to run down her cheeks. She knew it was hopeless to cry as no one would hear her anyways, but she couldn't help it. She wasn't only crying for herself, but crying because she felt it deeply; there was something she had to do and someone was still in need of her help.

    Drying the tears of her eyes with her clothes, she walked towards the only window in that empty room. Once she looked out, she noticed another sign just like the one she saw when she entered the village. She was a shocked to say the least when she saw it again. Sure, it was the same one she saw earlier, she was sure of it, but, she couldn't read it this time. The symbols on it were foreign to her. Yet somehow the phrase “Poké” came to her mind.

    “I thought that maybe the sign I saw before was for a Pokémart, but this...what is this?!” Kaitousha thought to herself.

    At that moment, she came to the realization of something awful, but she had to make sure. She kept looking out of that small barred window as if searching for something. She did for some time as she couldn't believe what she saw, or rather, what she didn't see.

    Tired of looking and somehow just knowing that she wasn't going to find what she was looking for, she dropped back to the floor holding her head and sat there saying to herself, “I can't believe it. Why didn't I noticed it before? The Pokémon...where are they?! I haven't seen a single one since I neared this place...And they think I'm the one that's crazy. What have they done here?”

    At that moment, her desperation was interrupted by a sound she had heard before. The feint sound of a baby crying starting coming in through the window. Kaitousha jumped up as she felt she needed to see that for herself. She grabbed the bars of the window as tightly as she could and looked out. Right there, barely at her field of vision, was a baby girl. She was all wrapped in white cottony cloth being carried away by a blond woman in silky blue garments.

    “A baby...a baby...” Kaitousha kept thinking to herself as that sight somehow gave her a sense that something inside her head was about to click.

    Suddenly, it happened again. “Help me! Help me!” the voice began to echo once more.

    The sky turned black once again and the village was caught on fire once more.

    “This vision again...” thought Kaitousha as she looked out through the window.

    She saw from the distance that couple running again, only this time she heard something different. A baby's cry slightly dowsing the sound of the fires' crackle. Kaitousha looked directly at the woman's arms as she came closer. She saw the black cloth in her arms unfold revealing a pale white baby with glowing blue hair just like the couple's.

    As the two neared the window where Kaitousha was, the lady looked straight at her. When their eyes met, Kaitousha felt her heart jump, and even more so as the lady said, “Help me! Please, my baby...” That's all she could grasp as the couple kept running away.

    Kaitousha's eyes began to water at that moment. She glared at the mob for an instant and closed her eyes. She began punching the wall as she shouted at them, “Stop it! Leave them alone!”

    Right then, Kaitousha woke up from her vision, but the impact of what she had seen kept weighing on her mind. She couldn't help but keep punching at the wall whispering those words over and over, “Leave them alone.”

    At that moment, one of the guards who took Kaitousha there, happened to walk by and looked right into her cell. Not noticing the guard, she looked right at the wall and gave it one final punch. Suddenly, something happened that neither she nor the guard could understand. She disappeared and somehow reappeared on the other side of the wall. The guard wanted to scream, run away, and pretend that nothing had happened all at the same time, but all he found himself able to do was stand there speechless. Then he came to a simple realization. He was seeing his prisoner's face on the other side of the window.

    Part of Kaitousha's mind wanted to stop there and think about what had happened, but she couldn't as she had something more important to do. She began to run in the same direction she saw that strange couple run to. As soon as she was out of sight, the guard also snapped out of it and ran after her. Unfortunately for him, his daze had given her quite a head start on the chase.

    Kaitousha knew it was only a matter of time before someone tried to incarcerate her again. She somehow had to figure out what her visions wanted to tell her before that happened.
    Last edited by Eraizaa-kun; 12th August 2012 at 06:04 PM.

  2. #2
    That guy Eraizaa-kun's Avatar
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    Mar 2010
    Over there! Get him!

    Default Re: Deafened Pleas

    “Come on...Come on!” she began whisper as if trying to talk to something unseen.

    She took a deep breath and focused as hard as she could. As she did, everything around her began to change again, but, it was different than before. The vision had started to flicker on and off. She could still see what was happening there, but also what was happening in reality.

    “I'll have to make do with this,” she said to herself.

    The part of the vision was still the same: dark skies, fire everywhere, and a mob following a man and a woman with blue hair trying to escape with their baby.

    Kaitousha kept running as fast as she could, trying to keep up with the couple in her vision, but as she did, she kept bumping into people in reality. They would try to yell at her, but she was in a hurry chasing after something no one but she could see.

    Suddenly, Kaitousha ran into a fruit stand filled with round blue berries. Some of them spilled to the floor causing her to slip and fall as the berries were surprisingly hard. She tried her best to get up; she didn't want to lose sight of that couple. But, at that moment, once again she felt someone grab her by the arm. Kaitousha didn't stop to look at who it was, although she felt she already knew who it was. She kept trying to pursuit the couple with her eyesight. Suddenly, the vision she was having stopped flickering and enveloped her view of reality. She couldn't tell what was happening. It was as if her eyesight had been detached from her body since she could still see the couple and follow them with her sight, but she felt her body being dragged away by the guard at the same time. It didn't really seem to matter to her though. For some reason, she didn't seem surprised by this. She just kept following the couple the only way she could, by watching silently.

    When her sight reached where the couple was, they seem to be running towards what looked like a very small half built house. By the look of it, it was probably what was meant to be a shrine in the future. The couple rushed through the door which mysteriously closed behind them as if by an invisible power.

    What happened next is something Kaitousha never expected to see in her entire life. The man dropped to his knees and began hitting the floor of the shrine furiously. His frustration apparently building as he did so over and over. Soon, the floor broke apart revealing the earth underneath. At that moment, that patch of dirt began to shift to the side on its own until there was a very deep hole in its place. The lady then bent down and placed her baby inside the hole. The baby simply began to sleep as the dirt covered the whole again. Right then, loud sounds started coming from the door. Someone was clearly trying to the break it open. The man quickly rushed to put the pieces of wood over the hole just a split second before the door opened.

    As is did, all of a sudden, the entire room burst into flames and the fire traveled a fair distance through the door. Kaitousha's eyesight shifted towards the flames that had shot out of the door. The people there were still trying to get in even though they were covered in flames. When she looked back, the couple had disappeared and all that was there was a vivid inferno. The shrine soon collapsed over several people who kept going inside. At that moment, the vision suddenly flashed forward in time as she sun had come up revealing a small field covered in piles of ashes, some of which resembled the shape of the humans who foolishly entered the shrine.

    Kaitousha finally woke up from her vision, this time gently as it gave her the sensation that she had seen all she needed to see. Although she was still being dragged by the guard, she now knew what she had to do.

    She quickly looked up and noticed the guard wasn't alert at all, probably because she hadn't been putting any resistance all this time. She kept still watching all the houses go by, waiting, hoping for her chance to free herself. It didn't take long for that chance to appear. The guard had to turn at a corner where he ever so slightly neared a column that held a small roof in front of a small house. At that moment, Kaitousha slammed the guard's hand against the column as hard as she could. With a shout of pain, the guard released his prisoner who didn't hesitate at all to stand up and dash away.

    Trying his best to ignore the pain, the guard went after her. Kaitousha knew she had to lose the guard as soon as possible. She shifted her course and went right between two houses. The guard attempted to follow her there and managed to get through with ease, but once he got to the other side, he found himself in what looked like an old market place. Kaitousha tried to walk slower and blend into the crowd, but, it didn't take long for people to take notice of her.

    “There she goes!” “That crazy lady!” people kept saying and pointing.

    The guard who thought for a moment he had lost a prisoner now had something to follow. The cold stares of the villagers who clearly showed the way to continue his pursuit. Kaitousha looked back for a moment and noticed the guard running through the crowd as well, now with his eyes set on her.

    “I need something to slow him down, if only just for a moment,” she thought to herself for a moment when suddenly an idea popped in her mind. Eyes widened with the thought, she said to herself, “Oran Berries...”

    Kaitousha jumped to a side and once one went between a couple of houses again, luckily showing up in a familiar spot. As the guard attempted to follow her, he suddenly slipped on something and found himself face up on the floor surrounded by round blue berries, being glared at by the people who had been patiently picking them up. This was the break Kaitousha needed. She picked up the pace and headed to that one place she saw on her vision, the half-built shrine.

    Once she got there, she was surprised with what she found. The spot where the shrine was supposed to be was now covered in many small bushes, some of them starting to blossom into blue flowers with long petals that almost drooped all the way down to the ground. Kaitousha began to slowly walk into the orchard, when she suddenly began to hear voices again. But, these voices weren't like before. They were numerous voices, all screaming in pain, some screaming for help. She looked down at the ground and noticed something dark between her feet.

    Paying no attention to the nearby farmers, who for once weren't paying attention to her either, Kaitousha bent down and picked up a handful of the dark earth. As she gently released it and allowed it to be pushed by the wind, she could hear the screams being carried with the dirt.

    “Ashes?” she said to herself.

    Kaitousha looked down and while thinking, “This is it,” she extended her hand to grab a nearby shovel and began to dig. With the first bit of dirt out of the way, she could already hear the cries of a baby drown out the other screams of pain she was hearing.

    “The only way for this baby's cries to be louder than the other voice is if the baby is still alive. That's got to be it!” she anxiously thought to herself as she did.

    A farmer quickly noticed what doing and with his brown kimono full of dirt he rushed to her yelling, “Hey, what do you think you think you are doing?!”

    As the farmer grabbed Kaitousha by her shoulder, she quickly glared directly at the farmer's eyes. The farmer was quickly taken back by her mismatched eyes filled with determination enough to knocked his wide straw hat off his head. Not sure if full of respect or full of fear, the farmer just took a few steps back, not knowing what to do other that watch as the strange girl kept digging.

    Kaitousha suddenly tossed the shovel aside, dropped to her knees, and began digging with her hands. She remembered how deep the whole was back in her vision and she could just feel she was close. The baby's cries in her head kept getting louder and louder until suddenly, just a Kaitousha felt she touched something, they subsided, but they weren't replaced by a complete silence. Instead, for an instant, they had become a sweet cooing.

    Kaitousha cleared up the dirt right in front of her and found a large pale white egg buried in the ground. She gave a caring smile as she contemplated the egg and finished digging it out of the ground revealing its light blue top. She picked up the egg and held it in her arms for a moment.

    “Was it you? Were you the one I was sent to look for all this time?” she said to the egg as she embraced it.

    Suddenly, the egg gave out a bright glow as it began to change form right in Kaitousha's arm. When the glow cleared, in place of the egg, there was a large candle with a gentle blue flame on top. But, it wasn't an inanimate object. It was alive. The small creature opened its eyes and looked curiously at the person holding it.

    Kaitousha smiled gently at it and said, “Aren't you the cutest thing? Hello there, I'm Kaitousha.”

    The creature returned the smile and made a sound that was similar to cooing, but there were a couple of syllable that kept repeating inside the cooing, “lit, wick”

    The sweet moment suddenly by nearby screams, “Litwick! It's a Litwick! Everyone, come quick! That crazy girl has a Pokémon!”

    The crowd quickly gathered and the comments quickly filled the air, “What's a Pokémon doing here?” “It has a fire on it! She plans on setting the village on fire again!” “I'm not going to stand for it!”

    “Wick?” said the small Litwick as Kaitousha felt panic rush into her again.

    She couldn't just sit around and wait to see what would happen. There was only one thing she could do, run. Kaitousha quickly looked around to scan the area for an opening and, holding the baby Litwick tightly against her chest, she ran. The villagers quickly gathered as many sharp weapons as they could and joined together in mob to chase after alleged crazed girl with a Pokémon.

    Kaitousha looked back for a moment and saw them, but not as villagers. She could see the mob forming as a gathering of shadows just like in her visions before. Knowing how her vision ended, she couldn't afford to get caught or trapped, but she couldn't stop to think either. All she did was run straight forward with the Litwick cuddling against her. Curiously enough, Kaitousha's clothes weren't catching on fire from contact with the small Pokémon's flame. She could only take that as a good sign that she was doing the right thing.

    Soon the village was now behind them as they once again entered the thick greenery of the woods. The terrain filled with rocks and roots and the seemingly eternal darkness ahead were starting to drain at Kaitousha's hope. But still, all she could do is keep going forward and forward still. She could hear the metallic bangs of the villagers weapons against the trees getting closer and closer. Suddenly, she noticed a different sound in the air. The bustling of the mob changed to a rather unusual annoyed sound rather than the cry of war that could be heard moments ago.

    Kaitousha in the darkness of the woods, she could only make out the shape of monkeys in the trees throwing sees and spitting jets of water at the villagers. The complaints of the crowd were quickly overtaken by constant growing excitement and anger of the monkeys up in the tree. The attacks suddenly shifted from simple seed pelting to jets of water that the monkeys could inexplicably spit out their mouths. Kaitousha laughed slightly. She couldn't believe what was going on. Her eyes even began to water as she finally felt the warmth of hope coming back to her.

    “Those blasted Pokémon!” was the loudest shout she could hear from the crowd.

    Those words made Kaitousha think for a bit, but she still felt like her mission wasn't over. She looked down at the candle Pokémon as it looked curiously back up at her and she smiled. She began walking once more deeper into the forest, seeing nothing in front of her but the light of the Litwick, and thankfully seeing nothing behind her as it seemed the villagers had fled.

    Soon enough the woods began opening up in front of her letting more and more like in and revealing a starry night sky up above. As she finally made her way out of the forest, she found herself facing a cave at the foot of a mountain.

    Suddenly, the Litwick in Kaitousha's hand began shouting joyously, “Litwick! Litwick!”

    Right in front of the cave there was a campfire being watched over by non other than a tall woman with glowing blue hair, the very same one from Kaitousha's vision. Kaitousha didn't know whether to be excited or not, but she did know what she had to do.

    She quickly ran towards the woman and moved the Litwick towards her saying, “Ma'am, I think this little cutie is yours.”

    The lady hadn't payed much attention to Kaitousha's presence at first, but when she heard the shouts of the baby Litwick, she quickly jumped up.

    Her face lighted up with joy as she took the Litwick into her arm shouting, “My baby! My baby! You've finally come back to me!”

    Kaitousha smiled, but as the lady's eyes began to shed tears of joy, Kaitousha couldn't help but do the same.

    At that moment, the man from her visions showed up from within the darkness of the cave asking, “Honey, is everything okay?”

    The lady quickly ran to her husband and handed to him the cheery little Litwick.

    When he held it, he started trembling as he spoke with stuttering words, “ baby are finally here.”

    The finally held together on a heartwarming embrace for a moment before the lady looked back at Kaitousha.

    “Thank you...Thank you so much,” the lady began to say. “Thank you for lending us your power. I just knew she'd be safe in your hands.”

    Kaitousha was taken aback by the words and replied, “ knew?”

    The man smiled and said, “You shouldn't be surprised. Those psychic powers of yours are strong. They seem to pierce the part so clearly when we saw them at first.”

    Kaitousha looked down for a moment thinking out loud, “Psychic powers? I guess that would explain everything. But, why me?”

    “Isn't it obvious?” said the man.

    “You were willing to listen to our voice even though everyone was against you. What could make you more fitting than that?” continued the lady.

    Before Kaitousha could answer anything, the man added, “I really hope, in the future, you'll lend your ears to someone else in need. As you can see...” he started while tickling the little Litwick and making her laugh, “you can make such a difference.”

    Right then, the couple turn around and walked straight into the darkness of the cave, but just when they were about to vanish from sight, their bodies vanished leaving in their place an old black lamp with a blue fire and an old black chandelier with similar flames.

    Kaitousha became lost in thought at what she had just witnessed as she whispered to herself, “A Lampent and a Chandelure?”

    Suddenly, the entire vision once more flashed at high speed in front of her eyes, only this time, the couple had the new bodies she had just seen inside the cave. As it ended, Kaitousha looked back at woods in the direction of the village.

    “T-that village...” she whispered to herself as the shouts from the mob echoed through her head repeating, “Those blasted Pokémon!”

    “Poké Ma...the village without Pokémon,” she said to herself. “Maybe...just maybe...the cries for help I heard back then really came from the village itself...”

    Grabbing a piece of burning wood from the fire to use as a torch, Kaitousha looked up at the skies with a determined yet peaceful look in her face. Taking a deep breath, she headed into the forest once more, this time aiming at a new horizon.

    Story Ready for Grading!!!

    Author's notes:

    -Target Pokemon: Litwick (Hard)
    -Characters: Aprox. 25,000
    -Characters required: 20,000
    Last edited by Eraizaa-kun; 12th August 2012 at 06:07 PM.

  3. #3
    I eat Frogs AmericanTreeFrog's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010

    Default Re: Deafened Pleas

    Somebody wanted me to claim this, so I will. Expect a grade between now and four days.
    League of Legends SN: ATF Crysis

  4. #4
    I eat Frogs AmericanTreeFrog's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010

    Default Re: Deafened Pleas


    Your introduction was mysterious and eye-catching, and I liked it, despite the lack of communication. Basically you tell us the women can hear somebody crying for help, and nobody else can. Because she is the only one, you make everyone else fear and/or hate her because she is different. This worked well for the story as it clearly created sides and provide the antagonists for the tale. However, just being able to hear the voice isn’t a real for them to hate her, I think you needed to either explain the villager’s emotions towards her more, or provide something else that explains the hostility. The latter idea can fall along the lines of that the villagers are superstitious and are suspicious of anything they don’t understand.

    Beyond that, what I would have liked to seen here, is better detail on the main character. This section ties into the detail, but it should be mentioned here because you started her detail here. This is a hard level mon, so just the basic detail of clothing, eye color and hair color just isn’t enough. You’ll want to throw in specific detail notes and delve into the character’s personality just a lit. Scratching the surface of personality is okay here, you don’t need to go overboard.


    Original to be sure, and fairly simple. I did like the story as a whole, but because of its simplistic nature we have to discern whether or not the plot is developed enough for a hard capture. I say it works because of the Psychic aspect you put into the story, otherwise I would have failed it as not being developed enough. Without the Psychic part we basically have a revamping of a person walking into the woods and finding a Pokemon.

    But because of that link and the personal struggles of the main character, I think it worked for this story. Now that that’s out of the way, we can focus on the main character as I think she could have used a little love.

    At the end we learn about the Psychic powers of the girl, but before the story actually takes place we know nothing about her. I don’t mean that I want her life’s story, but you should have delved into the history of when she became an outcast and when she first started to hear the voices and tried to get peoples’ attention. A minor issue, but something that could have increased the intricacy of the story.

    Another point, and one that bugs me, is why did the villagers chase the Lampent and Chandelure. This should have taken place at the end of the story, when the Pokemon told the girl she was a Psychic, to tie off this important part of the story. Without this we have no reason why the Pokemon were fleeing, and without those two Pokemon the story doesn’t exist. I don’t know how this was overlooked, but it does need some attention.

    Finally, I disliked how the girl just randomly ran into the Litwck’s parents. That alone we be very fortunate, so a reason of how she did would have been nice. What I would have done had this been my story was that the girl would have felt something pulling in that direction, and that would be because of the parents sensing the hatching of their child and calling it. I’m sure you can think of something else, but you get the idea.


    Okay, while this area wasn’t exactly a miss, you didn’t have nearly enough to satisfy me as a grader. Because of the originality of this tale I can’t really dissect this story like I usual would. So instead I want to talk about individual pieces that could use some work.

    Firstly, the detail on the characters, both human and Pokemon, was lacking for this hard rank. What you have here is good enough for a medium Pokemon, but not for a hard. As I stated before in the introduction section, the basics are fine, you just need to add to it. Since I already talked about the main character, let’s consider the guard who was chasing her. What do we know about him? He is wearing a green kimono. That’s it. He did appear through some of the story and not just one part, so he should have more.

    Quote Originally Posted by me
    He was wearing a green kimono decorated with sparrows, a pair of white tabis, and two Kutsus. His jet-black hair was coiled atop his hair like a samurai and he wore the twin blades of his status. His dark eyes held nothing but contempt and his face was a mask, not giving away any emotion.
    I just added a little more detail so the reader has a better image of him. You don’t need quite as much, but he should have beyond the basics.

    The same thing above must be applied to the Litwick, Lampent, and Chandelure also. Describe them so that a person who hasn’t seen the Pokemon before can describe them to somebody else. You want to create an image for the reader, and yours it just too vague. For the hard rank you need to go past that.

    My final point is pretty much the setting of the story. The story takes part in a village, but we know nothing about. The entire village is a blank spot as you have exactly know detail. We don’t know what kind of houses they are, wood or paper, not the general layout of the village. Is it only a collection of huts? Or are there places of business there? You should have a general layout of the village so the reader has context of location.

    My next point is about the weather. The weather was overlooked almost completely. Weather can be a minor detail, but if a story takes place outside then you need to write about. You mentioned clear skies and some woods, you’ll need to go beyond that. Maybe there’s breeze, or a storm is brewing in the mountains. Just something to tie the environment in with the rest of the story.


    You had very few punctuation errors, so few that I’m not even going to mention them at all. The main problem you have in this story is that you have word errors. By this I mean you had the wrong words in certain places, or you were missing a letter in some. Very minor stuff, but I kept seeing them in the story.

    You have to be careful of these because they can distract the attention of the reader as they try to decipher what you had written. In your case, you did have a lot and I had to keep stopping to look over them.

    This means to me that you didn’t proofread carefully enough. A story of this level and length should probably be proofread at least twice, but more along the lines of three or four. This can get boring, reading the same thing over and over, but you can catch more errors if you don’t do it all at once. After the first proofread wait about a few hours then read it again, this will help you catch more errors.

    She kept trying to [pursuit] the couple with her eyesight.
    Here’s an example of what I mean. The word should be pursue.


    You did hit the middle ranger, so that’s always a plus. Now, onto some housekeeping for this section. Let’s start with the pace of the story. This was a fast paced story, you moved from scene to scene pretty darn fast, everything was in constant motion. Now this wasn’t a bad thing, but I felt you could have slowed some certain areas down and provide a little more information than you did. An example of this would have been during the beginning where everything was thrust upon the reader rather suddenly. I think you could have created a little more suspense if you had slowed down and explained the information on the women a little more.


    Litwick Captured. Solid story here, but you could use some work in the areas I highlighted. I said I would take about the capture like you asked, so here goes. The way you had the Litwick in the story for the capture worked pretty well. I’m going to call this a psuedo-capture because the character doesn’t get the Pokemon because you do. I personally use this method more because it allows for greater possibilities in the story instead of a throwing a Pokeball everytime. Any other way for this story would seem out of place because it was more about closure of the girl and parents, not really trying to get a Pokemon.

    Hope that helps, anyway, enjoy the Litwick.

    League of Legends SN: ATF Crysis


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