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Abby: This couch is so dirty, I really feel like I'm having an adventure.
Davis: You should see the bathroom. It's like being in Bangladesh.
Abby: You know, if my sister weren't pregnant, I never would've met you.
Davis: Well, if my best friend hadn't had sex with her, I never would have met you.

Nick: We're going to be parents... eventually.
Abby: Well, eventually, I'm going to be infertile.
Nick: Are we really doing this I-wanna-have-a-baby thing again over eggs Benedict?
Abby: I think doing it over eggs is completely appropriate! Because every month, I make one, you do nothing about it, and it dies.

After two mimosas, [my husband]'s open-minded. After three, he blacks out.


Billie: Zack peed on me.
Abby: Is that a metaphor, like "he peed on your dreams"?
Billie: Nope, he actually peed on me.
Olivia: Well, that needs to be consensual

Abby: Listen, I know that you think the only reason we're friends is because of Billie but that...
Olivia: That is not true! I don't think we're friends

Abby: Yes! I'm Facebook friends with Olivia!

Abby: What about Zack? Are you at least gonna tell him you're going to start dating?
Billie: Of course.... Now, I am.
Olivia: Do it with your top off. I've delivered a lot of bad news that way

You didn't call me before you tried to seduce [Zack] because you know that I think you should have a real relationship with him. You didn't want to hear that, so you called the bad idea lady [points to Olivia]

Billie: I tossed [Zack's] room.
Abby: You did not!
Billie: Oh, but I did. I tossed it like a prison guard looking for crack

Abby: Didn't you use condoms?
Billie: I guess it turns out they're not 100% effective unless you actually take them out of your purse.
Olivia: Billie, Billie, Billie, always use a condom... and an alias

Abby: I mean, look how happy I am since I married Nick. And you know why? Because he is stable, well-balanced, supportive.
Billie: Yes! Nick would make a good chair

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