You are eating greasy food with your greasy fingers and sitting in front of the television for four hours and you will like it. John Ueland

This is the Journal's second annual Super Bowl Party Rules column, which I guess makes it Super Bowl Party Rules 2, which sounds like a terrible movie starring Ryan Reynolds. You can see why the NFL loves to spiff up its Super Bowl with fancy-pants Roman numerals. They make everything seem so portentous and classy! Today I ate XIV mini-donuts and CCXXXI French Fries. See? I am Spartacus, reading the New Yorker.

With the Super Bowl just around the corner it's time to get prepared for the celebrations. WSJ Sports Columnist Jason Gay joins The News Hub with some key rules you should follow at your Super Bowl party this weekend. (Photo: Getty Images)

Let's not pretend you are going to blow off the Super Bowl. Every year there are some lying liar-liars who claim to be uninterested in the game and planning on going to the gym or painting pottery or reciting Chaucer by a whale oil lamp, but this is the Great American TV Ritual, and it cannot be resisted. Don't try to be above it all. You are eating greasy food with your greasy fingers and sitting in front of the television for four hours and you will like it. Or else.

Beyoncé is this year's Super Bowl halftime performer. Reuters

Related Video




Watch the creation of Super Bowl¹s sterling silver prize: the Vince Lombardi trophy. It takes Tiffany craftspeople four months to make the iconic award.

Watch More Super Bowl Videos

This year's Super Bowl features two excellent teams: the Boise Houndstooth and the Evanston River Kittens. Or maybe it's the Baltimore Ravens and the San Francisco 49ers. It will be on TV, so you will need access to a TV, or at least stand at the window of a Best Buy BBY -2.35% Best Buy Co. Inc. U.S.: NYSE $30.75 -0.74 -2.35% July 10, 2014 11:25 am Volume (Delayed 15m) : 1.43M P/E Ratio 10.07 Market Cap $10.98 Billion Dividend Yield 2.47% Rev. per Employee $300,464 07/09/14 Crowdfunding Isn't Just for th... 07/03/14 American Express in Court Mond... 06/25/14 Best Buy Considers Options for... More quote details and news » and hope you don't get arrested. But you should watch it in a group. Please. Nothing's sadder than a Super Bowl Party for One. So call some friends. Rent some friends. eBay EBAY -1.43% eBay Inc. U.S.: Nasdaq $50.20 -0.73 -1.43% July 10, 2014 11:25 am Volume (Delayed 15m) : 3.94M P/E Ratio N/A Market Cap $64.55 Billion Dividend Yield N/A Rev. per Employee $494,896 07/02/14 Germany Drops Adidas Antitrust... 06/27/14 Attention Uber: Ford's Chairma... 06/26/14 Alibaba to List on New York St... More quote details and news » some friends! And please follow these Super Bowl Party Rules:


2.Before the game, go around the room and ask everybody who they think is going to win. The person who says "Argo!" is going to totally win the Super Bowl pool.

3. A Super Bowl Party is casual. There's no dress code. Well…pants. You should at least wear pants. Can we just agree on pants? Please. Pants.

4. It is now illegal in 37 states to run out of guacamole in the first quarter.

5. If you're ordering pizza for your Super Bowl Party, don't get bogged down by the "pizza math." One pie per person. Eight people, eight pies. This was in ninth-grade algebra. Look it up.

6.If you are grilling burgers outside in the cold, don't act like you're landing a spaceship on Jupiter. You're just grilling burgers outside in the cold, man. It's not that amazing.

7. A good Super Bowl prank is to show up with big bowl of kale salad and yell, 'WHO'S READY FOR SOME KALE SALAAAADDD!!!"

8. Somebody at your Super Bowl Party will have not been to a Super Bowl Party since the late 80s. And they will see the 49ers on the TV and exclaim, "This team is still in this game? Where is that Jed Idaho or Jeff Montana or whatever?"

9. There will be someone at your Super Bowl party who doesn't know the story of the Manti Te'o Hoax. This will take between two and seven hours to explain, and they will still be thoroughly confused.


11. To the person who says, "Turn up the volume, I want to hear what the announcers are saying!" Let me tell you what the announcers are saying: They are saying the exact same stuff your Uncle Billy is saying, and he's had four bourbons.

12. Ninety percent of Super Bowl commercials now have talking animals. And the Super Bowl commercials that don't have talking animals would be vastly better with talking animals.

13. A Super Bowl Party host is always super-proud of putting a TV in the bathroom. The host has three kids, all of them honor students, and is more proud of the TV in the bathroom. The host is on the cover of Time magazine. Still: more proud of the TV in the bathroom.

14. Beyoncé is doing the Super Bowl halftime show. And no matter what your conspiracy-theory loving Aunt Betsy is saying, Beyoncé is actually in New Orleans. This halftime show wasn't prerecorded in an abandoned warehouse in Columbus, Ohio, in 2009.

15. Phil Simms is so obviously lip-syncing, though.

16. You don't need a Super Bowl to remind you that New Orleans is awesome. New Orleans is also awesome 101% of the time.

17. Somewhere, an angry Bill Belichick is watching this Super Bowl while sitting on a chair made of concrete blocks.

18. Tom Brady and Gisele aren't watching the Super Bowl. Are you kidding? They're in the Caribbean, racing each other on French-speaking dolphins they bought for $12 million each.

19. If your TV breaks down midway through the game, a little-known Super Bowl trick is that you can dial CBS's Jim Nantz on a landline and he will personally narrate the Super Bowl to you on the phone for 15 cents a minute. Fact.

20. There's also going to be someone at your Super Bowl Party who says, with three minutes left in the game, "WAIT, the head coaches of the Ravens and Niners are BROTHERS? That's INCREDIBLE! Why didn't someone tell me?"

21.Who wants to change the channel to "Downton Abbey" at 9 p.m.? Everybody who does, make a secret hand signal. Whoa, that's everybody. "Downton Abbey" it is.

22.You're going to find chicken wings in your couch cushions in August. Sorry. It wasn't me.

Write to Jason Gay at