How To Handle Life After a Double Amputation, by Roger Simon

Politico columnist Roger Simon—who has been away from work since October—had both legs amputated after getting a blood infection. He's now back to work talking about drugs, handicapped parking spots and selling his old legs on eBay.

Regardless of your feelings about Politico, the website that people love to hate, Roger Simon's fake Q&A comeback column is worth a read. He's enjoying the copious amounts of painkillers he's on, and writes about seeing the light and talking to god. Some excerpts from his column yesterday:

Q: Where have you been? It's been months.

A: I decided that while anyone can write about health care from the outside, it takes a real journalist to explore it from the inside.

Q: So?

A: So I had my legs cut off.

Q: That's not funny!

A: You're telling me. You want to know what's funny about losing your legs?

Q: What?

A: They're always in the last place you look.

Q: What will those be like?

A: I am hoping they will be like Iron Man, and I will be able to fly and kick over buildings.

Q: You are being very brave about this.

A: It is amazing how brave you can be when you have no choice. Also, I am on a lot of drugs.

He's ready to play the pity card, too:

Yeah, but pity is cool, too. I could call up somebody who never returns my calls, for instance, and it would go like this:

Aide: Madam Secretary, Roger Simon is calling.
Secretary Clinton: You know I don't talk to morons. Hang up on that geek.

Aide: But Madam Secretary, he has no feet now.
Secretary Clinton: My God! Put him through immediately, and find a classified document I can leak to him!

[Image via Getty]