"Excuses are the nails that build the house failure."

Paul Bunyan's Beard

Life Rule #578.  The Rocking Chair

Life Rule #578. The Rocking Chair

So here's the deal.  If you ever find yourself sitting in a rocking chair on the front porch of your home, or anyone else's for that matter, there are proper procedures which must be followed to enhance the experience.

First off, congratulations, for if you've managed to settle your rear end into a rocking chair then you have found a rare moment of relaxation.  Do not take this momentary joyride for granted.  Embrace your situation.

To begin with we will address your attire.  Ideally you'll want to be clad in a pair of overalls.  Preferably denim.  Make sure that one strap is undone, hanging carelessly from your shoulder.  A flannel shirt underneath is paramount.  Anything less will be considered second-rate.  From there we must address the footwear.  Working boots are recommended but worn out mowing sneakers will suffice as well.  Lastly we look to the top.  Headgear.  Here the world is your oyster.  Ball cap, cowboy hat, or bandanna.  Just please, PLEASE no fedoras.  I shall explain the significance of the hat later on.

Next up (and this is key) you'll want to start up and maintain a steady rocking rhythm.  Not too fast yet not too slow.  If you're lucky you'll have a creaky floorboard beneath you to assist with holding a cadence.  Proper rocking etiquette suggests keeping both feet planted lightly on the ground.  I stress the 'lightly' because as you begin to rock backwards you'll want to roll up onto the balls of your feet ever so gently to give a subtle nudge on your way back down.  Hold onto that rhythm for dear life, for you are the conductor and nature is your orchestra.  And if you ever so much as lose a beat of that precious rhythm well then....the rhythm is gonna get you.

Now let's discuss your beverage.  There are but TWO acceptable options.  You have encountered a proverbial fork in the road.  To your left is an iced tea and to your right is a lemonade.  No matter your beverage of choice either must be encased in a tall glass filled with ice.  Right now you may be asking yourselves "Well now what about a beer or an Old Fashioned or something with a little kick to it?"  The answer is simple friends.  There is too much at stake.  Remember, you're holding down the rhythm of your rocker, balancing a cool beverage in one hand, and basking in the glory of the moment.  You cannot afford a single slip-up.  Keep your head clear.  Grandpa's old cough medicine can come later, once you've earned it.

Moving along.  An oral fixation (settle down you gutter dwellers).  A strand of wheat would be key but if you're short on supply there then other alternatives are acceptable.  A little dip if the missus isn't around.  Maybe a blade of grass.  Hell some Big League Chew even hits the spot.  Whatever your poison, chew with a slow methodical purpose, like you know all the answers to life's questions.

And finally we reach the grand finale.  It is here that you put the final touches on your masterpiece.  All of the meticulous preparation has led you to this moment.  One simple phrase that will tie the entire experience together.  As you're rocking back you draw a deep breath....let it out slowly....tip your hat of choice up on your forehead....stare into the distance....and mutter with purpose....





Kings of Leon

Kings of Leon

The Wood Brothers

The Wood Brothers