Tuesday, January 31, 2006


Hey, hey, hey...it's Tuesday!

I've got chuckles and giggles for you, compliments of my newly PUBLISHED friend Denise Belinda McDonald. It's entitled "These people vote".

I can guarantee that in addition to making you laugh, it will make you think about the caliber of the people who vote!

And now....drum roll please...the joke for Tuesday!!!

Who said men don't have a sensitive side?




It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them, and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were Small Bears all along the bottom shelf.

Medium-sized bears covered the length of the middle shelf.

And huge, enormous bears were along the top shelf.

She found it strange for a young bloke to have such a large a collection of Teddy bears, especially one that was so extensive. But she doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

All the while thinking to herself ...Oh bless! Maybe this guy, could he could
be the one?

Maybe he could father my children?...etc

She turns to him...they kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes off and...you get the drift!

After an intense ight of having fun with this sensitive guy, as they are basking in the afterglow, the woman rolls over, strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"

(scroll down)

The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!"

And I saved this until last...That joke came from the estimable Ric Marion .

Yes folks...he has come over to the dark side of men bashing jokes...LOL...ROFLOL

Thought for the Day

Don't be so open-minded that your brain falls out.

Monday, January 30, 2006

Good Monday to ya'!!

For the first side splitting laugh of the day. Go over to my friend M.C.Pearson's Blog for an Anger Management lesson.


And if I see a rash of incidents on the Nightly News, I'll know right where they came from...snort, snort, chortle!!


Toilet Cleaning Instructions :










Thought of the Day:


Saturday, January 28, 2006


The first part of my post comes from my friend Shelley. This is the biggest hoot, I've had in weeks:

How Smart Is Your Right Foot?

This is funny and it will boggle your mind, and you will keep trying at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't. Mind control does NOT work either!!



I told you so...and there's nothing you can do about it!!

Then, from my friend Bonnie 'Ballpoint Wren', here's some Facial Recognition Software that's really a hoot to play with. My female counterparts are Meg Ryan and Whoopie Goldberg. Male counterpart is Rick James ~sigh~ he's dead...I wonder if that means anything?

Now for the weekend joke...heh, heh, heh...I should have made it a man-getter joke so that Ric could snort all weekend!...auh, oops...yikes...I think I did!





He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"


He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves..don't you think by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard?"


Thought for the Day: Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home!

Friday, January 27, 2006

My first reaction was a Miss Snark infamous saying...wt*...if you know her...you get the drift!

Man...sometimes I've got no clue what people are thinking...ROFLOL!!

Yes, a picture is worth a thousand words, but those words are lost in my head, rolling around in there, knocking on the backside of my eyeballs, trying to get out. Alas I must restrain myself because some impressionable grown men may get a taste of new words to add to their vocabularies!

Here's more words, that make for real Hallmark moments...We need to have e-blog cards to send!

Rejected Hallmark Cards

-- What was I thinking?"

"Congratulations on your wedding day!...
-- Too bad no one likes your wife."

-- have such an ugly baby?"




-- Like the need for therapy."

-- I never knew what evil was before this!"

"Before you go...I would like you to take this knife out of my back.
-- You'll probably need it again."

"Someday I hope to get married...
-- but not to you."

"You look great for your age...
-- Almost Lifelike!"



-- What do you say we call it quits?"

"I'm so miserable without you...
-- It's almost like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...


Thursday, January 26, 2006


Helloooo, I'm over the fit and out of my snit(insert maniacal laughter here) so here's a little something for my friend Ric!

Hey Bernita, I couldn't help myself. It's their fault...is not...yes it is...uh, uh, don't blame it on me...~sigh~



3. If they put a man on the moon -- they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander -- it's too little to be out alone.


6. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to makesome woman miserable.






13.. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.


15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

In Case You Can't Read The Caption:

The Only Consistent Feature In All Of Your
Dissatisfying Relationships Is You

Wednesday, January 25, 2006


Well, well, well, my FRIEND Steve has lain himself on the pyre of flaming keyboards, as the sacrificial goat of taggers the world over, in being brave enough (that's not really the word I'd use, but I'm being nice...weird...huh?) to tag ME for five things that my friends might find weird!!!!



3.)That I hope the Bird of Paradise will crap on the birthday cakes of the aforementioned taggers, and that the fleas of a thousand camels will come to rest in their....uh nevermind...you get the drift!

(see my post on 10/21/05)!


Will I pass on the pain?....Not on your life....I tap you all with my wand...click your heels together three times and say, "There's no place safer than home!"

Go and be happy my children!

Now for the Joke of the Day!


The shout-out for this goes to Dee over at Fuzz Bunnies Nest.

I laughed so hard, I cried!!!!















And, last, but not least!


Tuesday, January 24, 2006


These pictures came in an e-mail from my friend BJ Scroggins, wife of Joe's Jottings.

An Australian sheep farmer, after loosing sheep set up an electric fence. This is what he caught. In looking into the snakes of the country, it's a constrictor. You can tell by the three rows of teeth in the top jaw. It's a species of Python or Boa.

If I have any Australian friends out there who can identify it, give me a shout!

P.S. I think I know where one of the missing lambs is located! Yikes!

And the honor for this next one comes from my friend M.C. Pearson.

Abbott and Costello in "Buying a computer"




ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?



COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?



COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?


ABBOTT: Wallpaper.


ABBOTT: Software for Windows?


ABBOTT: Office.


ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?


COSTELLO: For my office?


COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.



COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?



ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.


ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?


(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?


Monday, January 23, 2006


Good Monday to you all. Here in New York it has decided to snow...nusiance snow. Anything less than the six inches that I mandate as stay home snow...is nusiance snow!

I'm self-employ me, myself and I. So we argue continually about these stay-at-home decisions, but my logic (as warped as it is)usually prevails. LOL!

Two for the price of one today....Hospital humor all the way around!

A man recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, the doctor said he was doing "fairly well" for his age.

A little concerned about that comment, the man couldn't resist asking him, "Do
you think I'll live to be 80?"

The doctor asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?"

"Oh no," the man replied. "I've never done either."

Then the doctor asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

The man said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

ballooning, or rock climbing ?"

"No, I don't," the man said.

The doctor asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?"

"No," the man said frowning. "I've never done any of those things."

The doctor looked at him and said, "Then why do you give a crap if you live to be

Yike! bad Bonnie...bad Bonnie!!!

And the next:

Actual writings on hospital charts:

states she was very hot in bed last night.

over a year.

day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also
appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me
in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 years old male, mentally
alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably
insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past
three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for

13. She is numb from her toes down.


15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of
her life, until she got a divorce.

for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

took a job as a stock broker instead.

25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.


we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other

Sunday, January 22, 2006


This adorable Baby Picture is from the Ann Geddes collection.

I once saw an interview with her on how she achieved each photograph. For this one she searched out a man with extrememly large hands, and then she found a really tiny baby!

Cool huh! Check out her pics! There's a lot of oohs and auhs!

Today, Sunday is the infamous anniversary of Roe vs. Wade. An interesting side note: The woman that the case revolved around is now a 'born again" Christian, and part of the Pro-Life movement.

Another note: Society has created a pleasing alternative called Pro-choice. There is no such thing. It is either Pro-Life or Pro-Death.


Saturday, January 21, 2006

Good weekend! I've added a few things to the site! Like in the left sidebar, there's now a Bible study catagory. Mimi Pearson and Human Being have very interesting studies going on.

And on the right sidebar, under Author Qoutes, I've added one from JAKonrath.

While you're out and about this weekend, visit a store that has an elevator. Here's a list of fifty fun things to do in an elevator!





5. Sell Girl Scout Cookies.


7. Shave.


9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear your upside-down.





14. One word: Flatulence!


16. Do Tai Chi exercises.



19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.

20. Meow occasionally.









29. Leave a box between the doors.



32. Start a sing-along.


34. Play the accordion.

35. Shadow box.

36. Say, "Ding!" at each floor.

37. Lean against the button panel.


39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.


41. Bring a chair along.


43. Blow spit bubbles.



46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.




And when you need someone to post your bail....DON'T CALL ME!

Friday, January 20, 2006

I was sent an e-mail by a friend today. It claimed that you could be in major trouble if you drive with your cruise control ON, when the road are wet.

So me, skeptic that I am, went to my favorite urban legend site to check it out!

It is true. Read about it HERE.

I never knew. Go read the story, this could be very important to your safety, if you regularly use cruise control. Apparantly, when the cruise is set to on, and the car starts to hydroplane, the control thinks the car is not going at speed and speeds up, propelling the car into the air at speeds 15 to 20 mph faster than the speedometer says its going!!!!!

This one is serious and not a joke!!

Okay...now for some jockularity, since our butt muscles are all in a bunch!





Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly
brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."



take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

and runs to the kitchen.

it to the blind man."

and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

the fork ready for you."


I know....I'll do it myself....bad Bonnie, bad Bonnie!

Thursday, January 19, 2006



The other stories are just as funny! Yikes...bad Bonnie, bad Bonnie...but it was funny...you're going to burn...no I won't...yes you will...both of you, shut up!








"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.


Wednesday, January 18, 2006






To even do something sensible like help hurricane survivors? NO!



Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.







"Yes, I do."


"Yes, I have to admit that I did."




Tuesday, January 17, 2006


See, see...I'm not as crazy as you think. Well....maybe...nah!

Remember this post Don't Talk To My Parrot. Yes, you all laughed, but you thought it was a joke! Ah, hah! Here, live and in bloody color Watch Parrot Attack. It cracked me right up! The guy was maimed and the parrot lost all but one of its large tail feathers!

I guess there'll be no shakin' his tail feathers for a while! Yikes!

And the Joke of the Day...

A Scottish man was at a baseball game.

It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached the mound; he took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming, "Run, Run!"

This happened two more times, with a single and a triple. The Scottish man was now excited and ready to get into the game.

The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called, "Walk!" And the batter started on a slow trot to first. The Scotchman, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye basstarrd, rrrun!"

Everyone around him started laughing. So the Scotchman, extremely embarrased, sat back down. A friendly fan, seeing the Scotchman's embarassment, leaned over and said, "He can't run - he got four balls."


I don't know what came over me, chalk it up to sinus medication! Yikes! But I love to use balls in the title. It gets me the strangest traffic from Google!

Monday, January 16, 2006


Good Monday to all. Happy Martin Luther King Day to those celebrating in the festivities, unfortunately I have to work!

I found a story HERE for you to check out. It gives a new meaning to the term 'sleep walking' or better yet..."This is your brain on drugs!"

People never cease to amaze me. I guess that's what keeps life interesting. There's some nitwit you can laugh at everyday!

And now for the Joke of the Day:


He loved money more than just about anything.









Never Underestimate The Intelligence of a Woman

Sorry Ric, I couldn't resist. It was just too luscious!

Saturday, January 14, 2006


In my humble opinion, the most asinine story that I've read today is HERE.

An engaged couple have put themselves and six other relative up for lease, on EBAY for $1.5 Million.

Their names are JoJo Gator and Jackie Kidney (she looks out at the audience wrlyly), no lie...that's really their names.

Go read the story!

And the Joke for Friday....drum roll please!

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.


In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.

When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will make love with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you."



The mermaid said to him, "If you will make love with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.


And there he also met the mermaid. She looke at him inticingly and said, "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only make love with me fifteen times in a row."


The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request.



Finally, she said, "Enough Okay, if you will make love with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."

The young son tipped his head to the side and asked: "Wait How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

Everybody's a joke critic! LOL!

Friday, January 13, 2006


Okay, thanks to my friend M.G. Tarquini, I am officially hooked on the stockmarket...the virtual stockmarket on Blogshares.com. It's a fantasy blog stock market.

On the right hand side of the screen there's a little space to put in your blog URL to see if your listed.

I was....what a hoot...people are trading virtual shares of my blog. You can claim your blog. They retain 1000 shares of stock for the real owner of the blog, and you get it when you sign up. You also get $500 of virtual money to start with. I've only been playing for 24 hours and I have over $5,000 all ready....too funny!

In the top upper left, there's a link for HELP. That will get you started....have fun!

And now for the Joke Of The Day!!!!


* A husband, while he is on a business trip to a hill station sends a telegram to his wife "I wish you were here." The message received by wife, "I wish you were her."

* A wife with near maturing pregnancy goes to railway station to return home to her husband. At the reservation counter, when her turn came, it was the last ticket. Taking pity on a very old lady next to her in the queue, she offered her berth to the old lady and sent a telegram to her husband which read as "Shall be coming tomorrow, heavy rush on the train, gave birth to an old lady."

* And the most famous of them all... A man wants to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake. The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake. Well he thinks for a while and says let's put, "You are not getting older, you are getting better".

The salesman asks "How do you want me to put it?"

The man says, well put ,"You are not getting older", at the top and, "You are getting better" at the bottom.

The real fun didn't start until the cake was opened as the entire party watched. The message decorated on the cake read, "You are not getting older at the top. You are getting better at the bottom."

In Case You Can't Read The Caption

Always Remember That You Are Unique

Just Like Everybody Else

Thursday, January 12, 2006

















"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Jones.







"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?... Good Lord, she's fainted!"

In Case You Can't Read The Caption:

When People Are Free To Do As They Please

They Usually Imitate One Another

Wednesday, January 11, 2006


Thanks to my friend Brenda Coulter for this link to M-Law. It is Michigan's Lawsuit Abuse Watch.

Brenda was kind enough to warn me, so I'll warn you...PUT DOWN THE CUP OF COFFEE AND STEP AWAY FROM THE YOUGART!!!

A label on a baby stroller warns: “Remove child before folding." Hey, folded babys always store easier!

A brass fishing lure with a three-pronged hook on the end warns: “Harmful if swallowed. Yea think!

A popular scooter for children warns: "This product moves when used." Well, shoot...does it go left or right?

A nine-by-three inch bag of air used as packing material cautions: "Do not use this product as a toy, pillow, or flotation device." Well' I was going out to sea on it!

A flushable toilet brush warns: "Do not use for personal hygiene." Yea, those things can really leave a brush burn!

The label on an electric hand blender promoted for use in "blending, whipping, chopping and dicing," warns: "Never remove food or other items from the blades while the product is operating." Can you say...Blood pudding!

A digital thermometer that can be used to take a person's temperature several different ways warns: "Once used rectally, the thermometer should not be used orally." Ya, know...anybody that needs to be told that deserves a mouthful....bad Bonnie...never mind!

A household iron warns users: “Never iron clothes while they are being worn” As apposed to ironing your hair while it's on your head. Don't laugh that used to be popular!

A label on a hair dryer reads, “Never use hair dryer while sleeping” Why not, women are always accused of doing things while their asleep!

A warning on an electric drill made for carpenters cautions: “This product not intended for use as a dental drill.” That depends on whether you pay your dental bills on time!

The label on a bottle of drain cleaner warns: “If you do not understand, or cannot read, all directions, cautions and warnings, do not use this product.” Does that also include the ten syllable chemical words?

A smoke detector warns: “Do not use the Silence Feature in emergency situations. It will not extinguish a fire.” An if it's noisey, it will? I get it...just Shout it out!

A massage chair warns: “DO NOT use massage chair without clothing... and, Never force any body part into the backrest area while the rollers are moving.” Please do not make me go there! My Pastor reads this sometimes!

A cardboard car sunshield that keeps sun off the dashboard warns, “Do not drive with sunshield in place” Hey, ma look at me, pin the tail of the pedestrian!

An “Aim-n-Flame” fireplace lighter cautions, “Do not use near fire, flame or sparks” No, stick it in your mouth!

A label on a hand-held massager advises consumers not to use “while sleeping or unconscious” Huh, uh...not touching it!

A 12-inch rack for storing compact disks warns: “Do not use as a ladder.” A little Pixie ladder!

A cartridge for a laser printer warns, “Do not eat toner” No, save the toner for later, eat the cartridge, much more ruffage!

A 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow warns: “Not intended for highway use” Just city streets!

A can of self-defense pepper spray warns users: “May irritate eyes” So wear safety glasses!

A warning on a pair of shin guards manufactured for bicyclists says: “Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover.” Ya, know, it's a wonder we haven't been invaded by the Huns!

A snowblower warns: “Do not use snowthrower on roof.” I actually know a Nitwit that did this, and wound up in his living room!

A dishwasher carries this warning: “Do not allow children to play in the dishwasher.” Yea, they need a lot of waterspot remover!

A popular manufactured fireplace log warns: “Caution - Risk of Fire” Ya, think?

A box of birthday cake candles says: “DO NOT use soft wax as ear plugs or for any other function that involves insertion into a body cavity.” Not, going to touch it...no I'm not!

In case you can't read the caption:

There Are No Stupid Questions

But There Are A Lot Of Inquisitive Idiots

Tuesday, January 10, 2006


Just don't throw it in with these guys or you'll be asked to retrieve it!

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?


When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?


Do radio-active cats have 18 lives?



Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?


Is there another word for synonym?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why do they report power outages on TV?


Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

If a stealth bomber crashes in the forest, would it make a sound?


Is it possible to be totally partial?

When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

Do five out of four people have trouble with fractions?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with "Quit while you're ahead?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do...write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on postage stamps so the mailman could look for them while they deliver the mail?

If its true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

Monday, January 09, 2006


Ha, ha, auh, oops...who says Christians don't have a sense of humor? Even when they're seriously not trying. Boy, I bet some of these caused a lot of red faces along with apologies!

Announcements Taken from Church Bulletins

1. Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help. Pastor likes funerals better than weddings, at least they STAY in the ground!

2. Thursday night - Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow. New meaning to: bring your own dish!

3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. Spellcheck doesn't always help!

4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. Too much medication

5. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Reverend and Mrs. Julius Belzer. Yikes! I'm not going there! Spellcheck! Spellcheck!

6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. Auh, Oops!

7. Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. There will be a booby-trap...er, door prize!

8. Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor. Well, at least she's little and not queen-sized!


10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mr. Vassilas to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. That's gonna' hurt!

11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in. Can anyone say Depends!


13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday. This is like shooting fish in a barrel!

14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. What a toot!

15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. Make a joyful noise!

16. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. I'm not touchin' it!

17. The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11. Yes, the merits of spellcheck!

18. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary. Wahoo!

19. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. Yea, when those old people start falling apart it can get kinda' messy!

20. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes. I wonder if Mr. Johnson knows?

21. The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. No wonder the old people fell apart. they worked 'em to hard!

22. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who is preparing for the girth of their first child. Can you say episiotomy!

23. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. Can't they just sell cookies like the Girl scouts?

24. The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel. She looks out at the audience :-)

25. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours. And that's my last word!

Saturday, January 07, 2006


I was doing my daily check-in at my favorite Blogs, and I found something way cool that my writer friends will enjoy. Over at Books, Inq Frank Wilson found the neatest site called Etymologic ,the toughest word game on the web.

I got 9 out of 10, but some of them were a process of elimination! Have fun!

Now...uh, huh...now for Ric. He thinks that Bernita and I have decided that he is grumpy. Hmmm, sounds like a Shirley Temple song to me, with a little soft-shoe tapdance on the side.

Speaking of tapdancing...he's done a lot of that lately, so this newly acquired bit of jockularity is just for him, the male of the species. (insert maniacal laughter here!)

Oh, by the way, after your done here go see Bernita's coathanger collection. She is a very creative artist! What a hoot!
















15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

Send this to 10 Bright Women to make their day!

Friday, January 06, 2006






She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.


They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.


People stopped coming over to visit...

Repairmen refused to work in the house...

The maid quit...







...including the curtain rods.


In case you can't read the caption:

It Could Be That The Purpose Of Your Life
Is To Serve As a Warning To Others!

Thursday, January 05, 2006














2. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. [Evidently, the shoplifter special]







9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning!: May cause drowsiness" [One would hope]





14. On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly". [I don't blame the company. I do blame parents for this one!]

In case you can't read the caption:

Never Underestimate The Power
Of Stupid People In Large Groups!

Wednesday, January 04, 2006


Hello, hello, hello, my husband Bob wants equal time.

He doesn't play or watch any sports that involve balls! Snort!

He's a fisherman! He hooks squiggly worms onto hooks and sits there all day feeding the fish. In addition to having bass, bluegills and pumpkinseeds in our pond, there are also goldfish.

That's a whole 'nother story that suffices to say, I know why it is illegal to put goldfish into public waterways! Tell 'em...I don't want to...do it! OKAY!!!

We had the pond dug in the early summer of 1989. My husband said that we needed to wait a year to let the pond acclimate. I didn't want to, soooo.....

I went to the fish store and bought a bag of tinsey, winsey feeder fish (baby goldfish that they feed to bigger fish) I put them in the pond. I got 30 of them, they were small. The little buggers, ingrates that they were, swam off and I never saw them the rest of the summer (insert music from Jaws).

Winter came, the pond froze over. In the spring, one day after the pond had thawed, my husband came in the house. "Uh, Bonnie, you'd better come out here!"

I replied nonchalantly, "Where."

He looked at me blankly, "The pond."

I was busy...doing nothing, "Why?"

He grinned, "I can't explain this, you have to see it."

So I reluctantly stopped doing nothing and walked outside with him.

As I approached the pond, my brain couldn't quite comprehend what I was seeing, until we got down to the water's edge.

More than half of the pond was gold! There must have been five thousand goldfish!

"Oh, my God, I've created an ecological disaster!" I gasped.

My husband laughted. "I guess we can stock the pond now!"

The fish he is holding below is the result of good goldfish eating by the bass!

Billy and Jethro decide to go ice fishing. After arriving at the lake early in the morning, they cut two holes in the lake and drop in their lines in the water.

After fishing for a few hours, Billy has caught dozens of fish while Jethro hasn't even gotten a bite.

Jethro asks, "Billy, what's your secret?"

Billy answers, "Mmu motta meep da mmrms mmrm."

Jethro asks, "What did you say?"

Billy answers, "Mmu motta meep da mmrms mmrm."

Jethro again asks, "What?"

Billy spits into his hand and says, "You gotta keep the worms warm!"

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

I'm going to highlight another male perspective. My Pixie friend Mimi, has a most excellent husband, Dave.

Now, I must admit, I worry about her slicing him up! Well go look for yourself...egads...he's a cucumber...and with spiked hair of all things!

He writes about the most hysterical experience in France...Yanno(TM-Miss Snark)whenever someone French says oui, oui (wee-wee) I always think of toilet seats, right Joe! Bad Bonnie, bad Bonnie....shhh, don't tell....I already did!

Anyhow go visit Dave, the adventure is priceless! And enjoy the humor!





4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball.




In case you can't read the caption:

No one can make you feel
inferior without your consent.

But you'd be a fool
to withhold that from your superiors.

Monday, January 02, 2006

Hey, Hey, Hey, It's Monday

Well...Happy New Year all!

I hope it was safe and uneventful for all!

Okay, my friend Ric is always saying that I favor the opinion of the female of the species...well, duh..alrighty then....uh, oh...how did you get out...leave me alone...it's my turn!

So, folks, here are the Guys' Rules by men...for us women!

The Guys' Rules


We always hear "the rules"

From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

Please note.. these are all numbered "1"


1. Men ARE not mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!


Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.




1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.


1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.




1. If it itches, it will Be scratched.
We do that.





1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.

Pass this to as many men as you can, to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can, to give them a bigger laugh

Thanks to my Pixie friend M.C. for the laughter...and believe me the women are in hysterics right now. I know, men everywhere are going, "What??"

Bad Bonnie, bad Bonnie....Ric, it's her, not me (pointing to the left)!

In case you can't read the caption it says:
"It takes 43 three to frown and 17 to smile.
But it doesn't take any to just sit there
with a dumb look on your face.