Wednesday, April 21, 2010

It's Not Just a House

It has been my home. I often tell people when I bought it- it looked like rainbow bright threw up. Clearly there's a lot of sweat equity in the house.

My home on Sunny Point has been my rock. Heck the name of the street alone as one of the things I loved about it. I've always felt safe and secure there. It's comforting when you are a single mom to know that you can pay the bills and provide a nice place for your son to live. Where you know the neighbors and the schools are good. But my single mom days are quickly coming to an end, and three bedrooms isn't quite enough for my soon to be family of five.

If I'm honest, I wasn't in a hurry to sell it. Selling would mean I would have to move forward. When you're me and don't do well with change and have trust issues beyond belief and if you read my previous post, I had a great deal of homework to do on that front in terms of personal growth. But the timing of the sale was everything we had hoped for.

Sure, it's a house. Bricks and sticks. Many people would say a home isn't really anything more than the people who share it with you. Perhaps, I'm shallow, but my home is a reflection of me. An emotional journey if you will. Lots of memories made there... good and bad. And when you start to go through everything and really try to pack away memories in card board boxes, for me, there is absolutely a little bit of mourning that has to happen. I'll pack like a mad woman and then just sit there and think about everything that happened in that particular room.. or how many times I had to re-work it to make it just so. Or what it looked like when I first moved in. I'm sorry, that's not just a house- it's a home.

There something to be said for being able to find your way around a place in the pitch black because your body has memorized every step. Or knowing how long it takes for me to get from my room to Cole's when he's had a bad dream. But I'll have these things in the new house too.

Something that I find completely amazing: From the looks of it, the lady who is purchasing the house is a single Mom too. It warms my heart that she might find the same sort of comfort from the house and the neighborhood that I did.

While, I'm so excited about my new house and the start of my new life... I couldn't move forward without closing that door and saying I've been so fortunate to have lived on Sunny Point for the past eight years. I'll miss my butler's pantry and garden tub with my super cool bath fixtures, and my favorite neighbors, but it's time to move on and make some new memories.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

You Can Probably Guess What Happened

So back to my series of Blog posts about Jay.. I mean Marketing Boy..

I will never say our relationship hasn't been a rocky road. It absolutely has. We have had to deal with so much in our time together. New jobs (both of us), selling houses (his and mine) this economic recession that has hit us all... our kids.. and his ex wife remains a super fun treat : )

But we've weathered the storm and at the end of the day he's the first person I want to tell when something great happens, and the first person I need to help me along when it feels like I just can't any more.

We absolutely fight, but we fight fair. We're both willing to admit that we were wrong. We still love to do things together... We laugh a lot but when there's been two divorces between you- we cry a lot too. We worry about the kids together. We struggle with day to day life together. But we remain committed to work on the relationship every day.

In November, I had some minor surgery. The night before Jay said we should go have a relaxing dinner and get my mind off of it. We re-lived our first date. He proposed at the restaurant where we first met. It was expertly timed: asking my parents for permission, the kneel down, the entire restaurant clapped, and there was immediately some champagne to enjoy. I couldn't have been happier.. When we crossed the street to go have a celeberatory beer at the Old Monk all of our closest friends were there to celebrate with us.. I floated around on my own private cloud for a while..

Shortly thereafter, fear set in. Could I really do this again? I had a "what if" for everything. I had an excuse for why I wasn't planning the ceremony and I let fear rain on my parade. Everyday, Jay showed up. Answering all of my questions. Dealing with my concern of the day and all of the relentless discussions I insisted we have. Another failed marriage wasn't an option for me, and fear kept me stagnant.

Several weeks ago, I totally got called on the carpet for the way I was proceeding in our premarital counseling... "Ashley, you pursue everything in your life with a passion and a vengeance.. why aren't you pursuing this marriage?" There it was. That thing I hadn't dealt with.

I struggle with Faith and my relationship with God is something that challenges me daily. Over the last two years, I have been constantly questioning "God when will you stop punishing me for getting a divorce?" Then it was ever so delicately brought to my attention that God just doesn't work that way. He's not keeping score. Romans Chapter 8 " There is no condemnation for those who remain in Jesus..." I'm forgiven if I choose to forgive myself.

I'm not saying that I got up and said "I forgive myself!! I rock!!" It was more along the lines of sleepless nights,crying and trying to let it all go. There wasn't some magical "ahh haaa" moment, but shortly after I worked through this garbage and began the process, everything started coming together. I had the "divine" sign I was looking for. I finally received an offer on my house. We put an offer on the "dream" house we'd been drooling over off and on (literally on and off the market) for over a year.. and we now have a wedding date set.

Grace is something that humbles me daily. Honestly, it remains something I have difficulty fathoming. But in relationships, I'm learning, it's something that you have to constantly be willing to offer up.

And through it all, Jay has continued to amaze me by being right there with me while I try to sort it all out.