Wednesday, August 24, 2016

I Wouldn't Go In There If I Were You

With living together becoming society's everyday “norm” now, you can't help but to jump on the bandwagon yourself. Couples that live together experience many bumps and even those that wait to move in together after marriage can all relate to my discussion of funny and all too true things of when you live together. While they may have not seemed so funny in the beginning, you look back now on your relationship and realize with a dramatic eyeroll that it was ridiculously funny.

When you first live together, married or not, you are excited and sooooo in love and oh my god this is gonna be perfect, its like having a sleep over every night-----no, just no, stop it.... Its great but once the two of you get settled in, develop a routine with each other and become comfortable, that my friends is when it really becomes a test.... its not funny while you go through it but its funny now....

I'm 99 percent sure the first “argument”, “fight”, “disagreement” or whatever you want to call it, will happen over the thermostat, a small, little insignificant piece of electronic plastic that controls your home's climate will be the cause. He's hot natured, you're cold natured. He thinks its ridiculous to turn up the thermostat from 68 to 70 in summer or winter (you heard me right yes winter too) because you are cold because “there are plenty of blankets in the house” and if you are cold “then you should wear socks and warmer clothes.” The frustration is uncanny, because you're convinced his damn heart is as cold as this damn house!

Cleaning..... lord help me... a man's standard is usually not a woman's standard of clean... It takes constant encouraging reminders to teach a man the difference between a dry towel and dish towel, or to not wear muddy boots after you mop, or to actually go the extra five inches to make it to the laundry basket....More often than not, if you are the woman in the relationship, you'd just rather clean it all yourself then have him help and have to go back over his work and do it right.

While I've personally never had to deal with “you use too much toilet paper” I hear couples spat about this all the time. Usually the predicament I find myself in is: If I go to the restroom and take a nice relaxing shit only to find the toilet paper holder empty, and I have to pray and waddle over to the cabinet to get more, and waddle back and check the floor for drippage.... I am not going to put the roll on the roller, I'll leave it off just out of spite....Turns out he does the same, even when I leave it off, he continues to leave it off the rollers because it irritates him that I got a new roll but didn't put it on the roller.... After loosing the toilet paper for the third time in a day, waving goodbye as the whole fricken thing unrolls across the bathroom floor, I break down and just finally put it on the damn roller.

Living together for the first time will also uncover a horrible truth about your partner. You will ask yourself on many occasions “How can I be so attracted to someone that can gag a maggot with the smells they leave trapped in the bathroom?” Its true and you know it. Men are usually the first to become comfortable, they will let out the loudest farts and will proudly claim its theirs.... once the relationship progresses, you will realize that God put it in their caring, kind hearts to share it with you.... sometimes by force (aka pulling the blanket over your head). Usually too, they will use the restroom for what seems like an hour and then come out to see you hopping around with crossed legs waiting to pee and say “I wouldn't go in there.” Gee thanks for the warning but I don't have a choice now because you watched more YouTube than turds you put in the toilet. Take a deep breath and attempt to pistol pee, because you might die from inhalation of the fumes. But of course, if they ever smell what you left behind, they will go out of their way to make you feel ashamed for being a woman that poops. Well I got news for ya, women shit and watch YouTube too and it doesn't smell pretty just because we are pretty!

There's also the first Friday or Saturday night that you do absolutely nothing with your lives. Before you lived together, the weekends were the most convenient times to spend time with each other. Now though, if you find your friends busy with their own lives, and the two of you are already in the same location, many, many nights will consist of Netflix and nothing. This is perfectly okay with me, sometimes those boring nights in with your partner, are the best nights, if you can make it through those nights, then its a sign the relationship coincides peacefully.

Groceries will likely be on the top 5 lists of debatable topics of discussion in your relationship. If you shop together, I feel for you honey.... While its nice to have a man follow you around with a cart while you zip in and out of the isles throwing in the items you need, you will find that him questioning every single thing you put in the buggy, will get really old really quick..... And you will definitely find your eye twitching when he throws in all the crap he wants, that just happens to be the most expensive name brands in the store. In my personal situation, I do all the shopping, he hates going in the store.... Usually though I ask, “What do you want from the store?”, “Nothing” or occasionally he will ask for socks or contact solution. However when the weekend rolls around and he asks, “Why didn't you get such and such from the store to eat?” or “Why didn't you buy this, I love eating that?” Seriously.... I asked you.... If you live together, you have to learn what the other wants before they know what they want.

The ridiculous ways of living together also include the first time your partner asks you to be silent. I myself am a multitasker, I can read, watch TV and carry on a conversation, all the while still able to tell my head from my ass.... the perks of being a woman.... Most men cannot do this. If they are trying to read, watch something or even just quietly stare at the wall and THINK about something and you are trying to have a conversation with them, you can expect to hear the words “Are you done yet?” or “Can this wait until I'm finished?” I've learned to just shut up until he's done reading the menu at the restaurant, because even though I'm so excited to be out with him and I'm just bubbling over with things to talk about, those words always make me a little butt-hurt... So I wait. LOL.

Another unavoidable first of living together is learning to communicate. Sure you may communicate well on most things but you will always find yourselves taking turns on leaving the other out of the loop until last minute. “Hey babe we are going to my parents for dinner in an hour” or “Hey, get dressed and do your womanly routine in five minutes because we have plans to go out tonight.” Eye roll. Nough said.

Of course there is always the discovery of your partner's annoying habits.... I don't need to expand, we all know 'em, because they popped into your head. My advice is learn to deal with 'em because I know you have habits that annoy them too.

If you're a woman and you move in with your man, expect to become the answer to all of his problems mainly where to find this or that and keeping him fed. We will shuffle around in the cabinets and find nothing to eat, because he's use to the bachelor lifestyle of fast food and summer sausage and crackers. The way to a man's heart is through food and beer. Learn what he likes to eat and cook it, learn what he likes to drink and take it to him. He's not helpless, but compared to you he is.... Like I said, you want his heart, bring him food and a beer.

When living together there is no such thing as “his side of the bed” its all yours, all the time. No questions asked. He receives a 12 inch slice of the king bed, that you proceed to crowd by entangling your body around his, with another 50 inches on the other side of you to spare. The space behind you is pretty much uncharted territory, it never gets used, which is why the mattress has to be turned every so often so that it will wear evenly.

Of course at the end of every day and after living together for awhile you will realize, you live with your best friend. You spend so much time together, that you will get irritated by each other and step on one another's toes but then you will also appreciate the little things. When he acts like a dork to make you laugh at him when you are seriously trying to be mad. Or maybe even when you thought she was ignoring you but it turns out she was just giving you some space to cool down. When you're apart you will always think about the other, you will always miss them. When you live together you will become inseparable companions, you will do everything together. Sometimes you will need your space and that's okay, but at the end of the day, call it, don't go to bed angry, kiss and makeup, overuse “I love you” as long as you mean it and don't take each other for granted. Because essentially, they are your best friend for the rest of your life.

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