Monday, October 1, 2018

1. The Start of a New Season

I pulled the cord on the mower for the first time this season and pushed the mower across the front yard. I made a U-turn, and cut across the yard in the other direction. I can get lost in my thoughts when I mow. As I made progress, I felt a wave of sadness press hard against me. The force of the sadness was equal to the exertion I expended wielding this heavy machine. (I do not have a flat yard.)
I usually feel a sense of empowerment when I’m pushing the mower. I feel strong and responsible. But on this day, I reflected on the 14 years I have lived in this house. Eleven as a wife, and three as a divorced woman. So much has changed in the landscape of my head and my heart. But my lawn hasn’t changed, and that threatened to thrust me back into the painful past. If there was a historical marker detailing the events of my yard during my marriage, it would be a sad tale: It is on this property where disappointment, loneliness, and hurt feelings were prevalent. Dreams of spending weekend afternoons planting, maintaining, and beautifying the land together died on the vine.
In reality, I mowed the lawn most weekends of the first three years we lived in the house before I learned I was pregnant. Sitting around the fire-pit I picked out as a Mother's Day gift, my husband looked at me blankly when I talked about my participation in the lawn care four or five years earlier. He had no recollection of my contribution.
I felt invisible where our yard was concerned in other instances. The shrubs along our front porch were past their prime. One weekend my husband’s coworker, who had access to a bobcat, pulled up to our house, unloaded the machinery, attached a chain to the dried up shrubbery, and yanked it out. We had had no prior conversations, and there were no plans for what would replace the old shrubbery. My husband covered the now-bare space with excess rock from the landscaping in the backyard, and for a time, our curb appeal was improved. It was less cluttered, but days later, my husband lost his job, and so there were no funds to fill in the empty space.
I think of these things as I finish mowing the front yard and move to the back. By this time, I feel sick to my stomach. The backyard is an overgrown jungle of tree-like weeds. I am reminded that this backyard is now MY RESPONSIBILITY ALONE, and I want to weep. In the nearly 15 years I have lived here, there has never been money enough to correct the problems. I am embarrassed by the mess and the fact that it is in such a sad state.
It was suggested last year that when my budget isn’t so tight that I should probably hire a lawn care service since I can't handle it on my own. This assessment knocked the wind out of me. I'm handling it now, I shot back, hurt that my efforts weren't recognized or encouraged.
I criss-cross the backyard and began to fantasize about what it would be like to hire the service. I could sell myself on both sides of the issue. If I have it done for me, it would save me time and mental energy, not to mention, physical energy. I will have more free time to write, and there's no doubt my lawn will look better if someone else takes it over.
On the other hand, I would feel frustrated for not doing it myself. I have a strong, healthy body, and I should be doing the work. It's an integral part of homeowner-ship and pride of place. Why should I spend extra money when it's something I could do myself? If I kept at it, I'd get to experience the sense of accomplishment when I mad improvements and know that I did the work.
I want to prove to myself that I can do this on my own. Cue my pioneer spirit and stubbornness.
I turned off the mower and pushed it back into the shed, still unresolved. I considered asking someone what I should do, and then I remembered. This is my decision. I do not need to rely on someone else to answer for me.
I will weigh the pros and cons and after I have done that, I will know which decision to make. In the meantime, I felt heavy, sad, and overwhelmed. What will be the best course for me to take?


  1. Bless your heart! Here is my 2 cents. Let go of any expectation you have in your mind and follow the peace in your heart 🤗

  2. It certainly is tough to choose between the two. Caring for a yard (and a house) is hard work that never ends. Good job.
    Even if you did hire a lawn service, it could be for a set period, like 6 months. And then reassess.
    While the lawn is being taken care of WRITE or do a self-care activity.
    You will figure it out.

  3. There is such thought-fulness in this post, and such pain and searching. I've done both routes, and I've also done it halfway. I've done it all. I've had someone else do it all. I've had someone else handle mowing the front, and I landscaped the back with plants gotten for free from neighbors, coworkers, and craigslist. I enjoyed the last option the most. I worry that if I think too much about the lost dream of building a home and life with my recently exed husband, I'm not sure I'll ever stop crying. I just have to remind myself that, even while married, all the work was left to me. I just... handled it. It was like he thought little gnomes took care of everything, magically making his life comfortable. I'll be following your blog. It's good to not feel so alone in processing all this.

    Best of luck to you and your lawn. I hope an answer comes that brings some peace.

    1. I cannot thank you enough for reading, commenting, and sharing your perspective. I was moved to tears to learn that my words might have made a reader feel less alone. Post-divorce life, whatever the circumstances, are isolating, and I am humbled to know that my words have brought a measure of comfort. I don't want to spoil my own story, but keep gets better! Thanks again for your comment, and all my best to you.

  4. Glad I happened upon your blog. I am really gaining insight from your writing. Thanks for your vulnerability and sharing. I'm looking forward to reading this entire series, and I'm rootin' for good things in your future!