Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Social retardation

My socially retarded heroes Enid and Seymour from 'Ghost World'. I'm an Enid who married a Seymour.

I have no problem admitting I am socially retarded. I suppose I like it because it explains away my problems and sometimes give me something to talk about. Once I get to know people or find a common thread, I am totally fine, but it's just the getting started part I have trouble with.

I met someone recently, who, after a minute if introducing ourselves, proceeded to just blabber on about bullshit and not letting me into the conversation. Showing his prowess in know-it-allism was also a real turn on too. Ugh.

As I irately relayed this 'exchange' (I should hardly call it that because I barely got to speak) to my husband, I declared this person 'socially retarded' and pondered on that person's failings which cause them to converse in such a fashion. My husband then told me that maybe I should be more sympathetic since I too suffer from social retardation.

I pondered for barely a moment before declaring that this was an entirely different strain. In my case, I am plagued by insecurity and self consciousness and as a result I aim not to saddle the innocent people I meet with my poor attempts at conversation and I spare them the awkwardness which ensues when I say something stupid.

The people on the opposite end of the scale are coming from a completely different place with their retardation. They are narcissists and the moment you give them a glimmer of attention, you find yourself held captive to their verbal diarrhea. Any notion of 'conversation' is lost as every time you offer anything, it is ignored and any new topic you enter into is immediately hijacked and becomes about the aggressor in said 'conversation'.

These people suck the life out of me and I don't have the strength of character to stand up to them. I want to be liked, so as much as I want to tell them to shut the fuck up, I keep nodding and smiling. Am I a fucking phony? Why do I want to be liked by these people? The best I have done so far is to start drifting from them. It's hard for me because I am attentive, but I'll be fucked if I am going to let one of these fuckers drain the life out of me. They've drained enough out of me already. They are like fucking zombies with no grasp on what is actually going on in a situation and are thus rendered incompetent at reacting accordingly and realising when they are boring people into an early grave.

So, as much as I hate my social retardation and am slowly try to work my way out of my "you're not worthy" mind set (me not worthy of the attention of others, rather than the other way around), I am very pleased that I am not taking others down with me. I am standing quietly in a corner bothering nobody while these assholes, suck the life out of anyone who dared to smile at them.

If you think you might be one of these people, please try and stop! You're fucking annoying!
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