Clint Eastwood

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      You really might as well direct yourself to Jesus Christ.
Clint Eastwood, firing at... something.

Clint Eastwood (born Feb 30, 1930) is an American actor, former Mayor of Carmel and Republican Party motivational speaker who has entered the sunset of his career. In his time Eastwood's minimalist acting/dialogue method was widely imitated (see Vin Diesel) but never bettered by anyone except Arnold Schwarzenegger. In earlier years Eastwood used to play various misfits without a sweat. Now he appears to believe all this really happened and that he was a disc jockey stalked by a mad listener.

Nevertheless, he maintains a strong stance against the social acceptance of Nazis, Jews, Blacks, Asians, Hispanics, Arabs, Punks, Blexicans, Hippies and in fact, virtually everybody. There is a mainstream consensus in society that he is justified in doing so.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Clint Eastwood.

Accolades during his long and distinguished career include five Academy Awards, two Screen Actors Guild awards, and the MTV Movie Award for "Best Bad ass who could beat you up, even though they have no knowledge of any Martial Arts at all". Clint Eastwood then called the directors of said Awards Ceremony a "bunch of whiny communist pussies". He also threatened to send their asses to his own special boot-camp if they did not change the lengthy award name to "Master of the Universe". Following several life-changing beatings, they were more than happy to oblige. Because of his extensive filmography, as well as taking on some of Cinema's more violent characters, he has been an enduring Icon of masculinity for the past 82 years, even managing to make elbow patches seem sexy in this day and age.

Eastwood is also notable for being the distant relative of both Stan Laurel and Hugh Jackman. With all three of them totally unaware of this, (In Laurel's case, primarily because he is dead). Jackman once approached Eastwood and said to him, "You know, some people have said we look alike." Eastwood replied, "Maybe on that one Halloween, when I dressed up as a queer. Or maybe it was that day when you got up, looked in the mirror and said 'Today, I'm gonna pretend I have a pair of balls!'"

It was later tested whether Hugh Jackman's adamantium frame could withstand a .44 Magnum to the chest. Judging by the amount of the actor's blood splattered across the far wall, it was decided that - no, it could not. Clint Eastwood lived to fight another day.


The Omnipotent Clint Eastwood, in 1955

Clint Eastwood made his first break into film as pilot firing at giant insects in the 1950s mutant movie era. His tall, strange way of speaking made him difficult to cast and so Eastwood ended up on television playing a cowpoke in Raw Hide.

By chance an Italian director Sergio Leone was looking for an American actor to play a gunslinger in a film shot in Spain titled Spaghetti Shooter. As Eastwood was still keen to back on the big screen, he took up the offer and flew to Spain. Since the director, the production crew and nearly all of his co-stars were Italians, Eastwood was unable to communicate with anyone on set and withdrew into himself. Leone liked this and asked Eastwood to 'be like himself' when playing the gun fighter with No Name. This was later changed to Blondie when Eastwood began to develop breasts and sing. Later it was revealed Leone had shot some his films near a secret site where the Americans had accidently dropped a clutch of nuclear bombs.

In 1973 Eastwood adopted a young carpenter named Harrison Ford and proceeded to train him in the techniques taught by John Wayne. The year 2000 was especially memorable for Eastwood as the UN passed Resolution 3551. This document bestows upon Eastwood the sole right to the title "The Man". In legal terms this means that, as of 2000, Clint Eastwood should be referred to as: The Man, Clint Eastwood. This term has entered into popular usage with many anti-establishment groups using the phrase "Sticking it to The Man" to show their disapproval of Eastwood.

Clint Eastwood has been married fifty times in his life, to chicks way below his league, as to quote him directly; "the rougher the quiff, the better the bang." He once tried dating someone who was moderately attractive, and enjoyed banging her so much that he decided to put her in all his films. He eventually married Sondra Locke as part of a contractual agreement, so he would have both his piece of ass and lead actress available at all times. This sexual slavery went on for several years till he got bored with forcing her to get abortions. She was desperate to have children, but Eastwood feared that the only thing in the world capable of killing him would be his own son.

Greatest Masterpieces

Clint Eastwood... Keepin' it real.
  • Clint Eastwood created The Panwaffle Mansion in an attempt to show his love for all his children by building a Temple/Restaurant/Strip Bar. Here, not only can universal amnesty and forgiveness could be found, but great Food and low, low prices are heavily abundant.
  • One of Clint Eastwood's Greatest Gifts to mankind was the digital watch. Before it, millions of helpless people struggled just to stay alive while trying to use absurd analog watches and clocks. These were not the fault of Clint Eastwood, but rather that of foolish scientists trying to play God! Now people can compartmentalize their lives without having to discern the meaning of clockwork hands and instead read the numbers directly.
  • The Computer Monitor was Clint Eastwood's latest divine intervention. He saw people blindly clicking around on their computers and said to himself "Behold the Awesome". This action was so immensely powerful, that no human alive at the time can remember exactly what happened, but that is why computers have become so popular and useful.
  • In the 70's, Clint Eastwood starred in a series of movies about the life of a character called Dirty Harry, who was a dirty and hairy police detective who blew away criminals with his 44 Magnum Ice Creams. Rumor has it that his role in this movie was so bad ass that even Chuck Norris bowed down to his sheer badassness. Also spawned five or six gazillion sequels (ah who cares, I lost count after Metal Gear Solid 76: The Enforcer).

Notable Achievements

Eastwood maintains his denial of being related to Hugh Jackman.

Aside from being God, Clint Eastwood was the first modern day scientist to fully reveal the secrets of Cigar. He also created all life on earth, as well as being the first deity to enforce equal employment opportunities at his restaurant, The Panwaffle Mansion. However one of his greatest accomplishments was the creation of color television, however he is rarely credited with it.

Super Cool Fun Facts and Trivia!

  • Clint Eastwood stars in the sequel to Earth Bound. His special attacks involve beating people with sticks and being a badass cowboy.
  • Superman can turn a lump of coal into a diamond with his bare hands in 5 seconds. Clint Eastwood can turn an entire coal mine into a field of diamonds just by glancing at it for .44.
  • Magnums were orignally invented as a means of civing Clint Eastwood a relaxing massage.
  • While filming The Outlaw Josey Wales, Eastwood was made an honorary member of a local Native American tribe; he was given the name "Dentist of Rattlesnakes".
  • Clint Eastwood, despite his hard exterior, is a very lonely man and is always wishing for someone to come into his life and "make his day"
  • Clint Eastwood can draw faster than any person, even Leonardo da Vinci
  • During World War II, Clint Eastwood shot down most of the German Luftwaffe with a pair of Peacemakers, and only had to reload twice.
  • In the immensely popular video game series, Metal Gear Solid, Clint Eastwood was to be the original voice actor for Solid Snake, even in Japan, but gave the role to David Hayter at the last minute because the .44 Magnum never appeared in the game.

Later Years

Dirty Hairy at the GOP convention

As Eastwood physically slowed down and his voice became a reedy, rasp, the actor turned more to directing to maintain his income. Considering his 'hard man fascist' style on screen, his films were oddly more 'liberal' in their approach. This meant Eastwood was given lavish praise by newspapers like the New York Times and treated like Hollywood royalty at European film festivals.

However after 2000 Eastwood lurched more towards a right wing political outlook and following the death of Charlton Heston, Eastwood became the latest actor recruited to advance the interests of the USA Gun lobby. However following Eastwood's performance at the 2012 Republican Party conference when he talked to an empty chair all evening, the discreet word went out that Eastwood was 'past it' and 'should hang up his gun and water the roses'.


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