Dear Savvy Auntie,

I have a 16-year-old cousin who is like a niece. Her parents are not "into computers" and don't understand anything about the internet. I want to help her stay safe and avoid cyber bullying (it's been a problem), but I don't want to be overbearing or have her feel like I'm spying on her. What are good ways to say "Hey, talk to me," without coming across like I'm being nosy... or dorky.

Techno Auntie

Dear Techno Auntie,

Whew, this is a 21st century question!

Since 16-year-old girls are notorious for being secretive and consider anyone over seventeen from another planet you are wisely sensitive to trod lightly. The best way to help her is two-fold. First, regarding bullying you could tell her about your experience as a 16-year-old; either as a bully, afraid of bullying or as a person who was bullied. Even though it wasn't "online" bullying remains the same. Then give her tips about how to handle being bullied. Secondly, I suggest that you join Facebook, Twitter and other social networking sites so you can get a feel for the lingo, the culture and speak so you can communicate with her in her language.

Saying "Hey talk to me-" is best accomplished in a one on one activity (something she likes to do) and commenting on other people you are both observing. When you start to really talk, use phrases like...most girls, many girls, and or/her kids; in other words, depersonalized. If the conversation opens up, you can reassure her that sixteen doesn't last forever and seventeen, and especially eighteen, are much more manageable.

Good Luck,

Natalie Robinson Garfield

Natalie Robinson Garfield is a Private Practice Psychotherapist & Consultant in NY. ,

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