

21 May 2012

I Don't Wanna

This morning my alarm went off at 6:15 am. After a few moments of arguing with myself, I got up, put on my running clothes, and went for a 3.5 mile run. I did it because I was certain I would feel better about myself, about the day, about life, if I did.

It didn't work.

I have struggled all day to accomplish anything more. It's just a "I don't wanna do anything I'm supposed to do" kind of day.

For that matter...I'm having more of a "I don't wanna" kind of month.

People ask me how I'm doing so well with weight loss and I feel like a liar when I tell them I try to eat right and run and do P90X. That may have been true a month ago...

I'm so burned out on P90X. I have two weeks left before I'm an official P90X grad. I've been repeating weeks that I flubbed up on. Last week was one of those. I missed over half of the workouts and I only ran once. I've been drinking tons of pop. Eating all sorts of chocolate and sugar and junk. Skipping out on veggies. And just feeling like an all around mess.

I know what I need to do to get back on track: have a little self control.

I know I can do it: I've done it before.

I know. But I don't wanna.

I keep telling myself, "It's okay. Take a break. Relax. Just hit it hard after Memorial Day weekend."

But that feels like cheating. It feels like I haven't truly learned a thing since starting this weight loss journey. 82 pounds lost and I haven't gained a darn bit of sense about being healthy.

I know that's not true. I'm just kind of down on myself lately. I am my own worst enemy. I keep beating myself up for not losing any more weight since my birthday. I've maintained right at 199.6 since April 18th. I keep thinking how dumb I am for not losing more, for eating so unhealthily lately, for struggling as much as I have been.

Memorial Day weekend is going to spent with lots of family since both my sisters are blessing their new babies that Sunday. I want to look smashing since I have worked so hard this year to lose weight. Plus, both my sisters and sister in law, even freshly postpartum will look severely smashing. And I don't even have their excuse as to why I still have a belly.

I was complaining to my husband and sister about not losing more weight lately and that I can only say, "I have lost 82 pounds" not "I have lost 90 pounds". They quickly put me in my place. "Yeah, because 82 pounds is just pathetic!" as they roll their eyes.

Why am I so quick to brush away my own success?
Why can't I seem to get a grip on true healthy eating?
Why am I not more comfortable in my own skin by now?
Why do I have to fight this battle my whole life?
Why hasn't it gotten any easier?


Debra said...

I think it is so fabulous that you have maintained! Maintaining is such a hard battle.

Jodi said...

It must be a curse of some women to be so down on themselves! It's so easy for me to see all the great things about somebody else but when it comes to myself, I'm left thinking...umm...umm. I am out of control with sweets so I committed to no sweets for a week and it's so depressing! I know moderation in all things is key, but sometimes I have a hard time moderating! Hang in there - you've done amazing!

Andrea said...

Ok- As I read this the unrelenting schemes of the adversary immediately popped into my mind. He's working on you, because a "you" that loses this battle is a lot easier to take down than a "you" that wins it. He's trying to keep you down, make you feel guilty about not doing more, ect... (It's easy to diagnose when it's not myself) - We women are easy to target when it comes to feeing guilty, I can find a way to feel guilty at any point in the day, but - to fight him, you shouldn't. Not about this- yes, you've rewarded yourself, you deserve every bit of it, but all is not lost. Pun intended. ;) You haven't lost all of the effort you've put in, and you haven't lost all the lbs, but keep fighting that good fight- you'll "gain" inner strength and pride knowing you won the war. (Can you tell I've had to pep talk myself lately?) Be PROUD in what an inspiration you've been- I know you are to me! Love ya, girl!

Carrie said...

Ugh! I just left a forever long comment and it didn't save. ANYWAYS...I just said that losing weight is time-consuming and exhausting and it's perfectly normal for you to feel burnt out. Just try to look at what you HAVE accomplished instead of what you still want have done AMAZING and I'm super duper proud of you. You are a total inspiration, girl.

Missy0327 said...

You have accomplished amazing things!! 82 pounds is nothing to sneeze at. So what if you have given in to temptation. Enjoy life and it's indulgences, there is nothing wrong with that. Life is boring if all you eat is the good for you food. Just don't forget what you have learned. Maintaining the weight you are at is almost a bigger battle than losing the weight. If you can find the balance of chocolate goodness and working out that keeps you at your weight that is amazing.
Well that's just my opinion anyways. Don't look down at what you have accomplished. The biggest thing is to not fall back into old habits.
You have done amazing things, and will continue to do so!! Just use your faith.

Lisa Thomas said...

OK girl, are you depressed? Because that's what I am reading in your blog. Don't take that the wrong way. THAT is my current battle - getting my depression under control. But I am in LOVE with Andrea's comment!
Here's my suggestion - ask your husband (father, uncle, brother, close neighbor, bishop, WHOEVER) for a blessing to help you get over this hump. I know it's a worldly thing you are working on, but Heavenly Father still cares and will help you!