Returning to New York City for the first time since he made nice with NBC advertisers one year ago, ex-Tonight Show host Conan O'Brien took the stage of the Hammerstein Ballroom on West 34th Street in Manhattan as part of the annual TBS presentation. It was ten in the morning. The barely caffeinated crowd of urban professionals seemed sleepy at first, but warmed up to the host during his ten minutes on stage.

Full transcript of O'Brien's remarks below.

Most people in the audience are the ones responsible for buying TV commercial time. O'Brien's job this morning was to show them that he's still got it; that he's not the wounded fellow he appeared to be during his recent 60 Minutes segment; and that he can deliver for them an audience heavy on the young men advertisers seem to crave.

An offstage voice said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Conan O'Brien!"

He strode onto the stage bearded, in a blue suit. At his back were two bandmates from the old Max Weinberg 7 band, Jimmy Vivino, with guitar, and Mike Merritt, holding a stand-up bass. As O'Brien greeted the crowd, the audience did not give him a standing ovation, which he used at the beginning of his address, which follows:

"Please, sit! Please—sit. I love doing comedy at ten in the morning.

"Thank you so much for being here and, uh, wow! O.K.—let's try this again shall we?

"I realized this morning—actually when I woke up—this is my first time back in New York City since I was here exactly one year ago for the NBC upfront."

A small laugh from the crowd, a smattering of applause.

"Thank you, thank you, I don't know why you're applauding. It was the night I flew in to promote my 25-year run as the host of The Tonight Show. By the way, if anyone in this room can explain exactly what the hell happened four months ago, I am thrilled to hear it. I'll be in the lobby afterwards. I am all ears. The plot to Lost is more plausible than the last year of my life. It makes more sense.

"Check it out, this is true. In the last 12 months, I signed off as host of Late Night; I launched The Tonight Show; I stepped down as host of The Tonight Show; I joined Twitter; I grew a beard; I launched a 32-city music and comedy tour; I served briefly as the Undersecretary of the Interior of the Obama administration; I resigned in scandal; I started my own religious cult in Nova Scotia; I perfected a mechanical human heart; and now I'm here as part of the TBS family. Yes, look what you can do in a year. Thank you.

"I mentioned the beard. The beard can shock people, when they first see it, since I've been off television for a while. Not everybody loves the beard. I don't know how you feel about the beard…. Some people don't love it. Some people say I look like Paul Bunyan with an eating disorder. (Pause.) I had someone say I look like the Brawny paper towel guy just before his bone-marrow transplant.

Not feeling absorbent.

But all joking aside, I'm absolutely thrilled to be here today. When I met [Turner Entertainment Networks president] Steve Koonin on J-Date, we clicked instantly. There was a raw sexual enthusiasm we had for each other. No, seriously, Steve's excitement for me and what I do has been, on a personal level, nothing short of exhilarating. And I want you to know I really believe in basic cable television. I think basic television is what makes this country great. I do not want to live in a country that has less than six ESPN's. I'm committed to that.


"Steve and his team have a clear vision for the network. They believe in me, I believe in them, and I cannot wait to get back to having fun on television again. That's all I want to do. Really. That's what I'm passionate about, and they're making it possible.

"On a personal note, I have a lot of people have been asking me how I'm doing. They say, 'Conan, Hey, maaaaan, how's your mind, man?' It's like I have Cheech and Chong coming up to me. I see them all the time. And I have to tell you, my live tour has been my happiest experience in twenty-some-odd years of show business. I'm learning stuff on the road that is changing me as a performer. And I have not had a chance to talk this down with Steve yet, but my vision for the TBS show is to pick up where Hee-Haw left off. Remember Hee-Haw, ladies and gentlemen? Why is it gone? Shouldn't it be back? Yes, it should. Now, I haven't done any research, but my hunch—and I have a good hunch—is that 32-year-old males want to hear corny jokes and lots of classic country music. So, Steve, thanks for the blank creative check!

[Conan, as Koonin:] "'Do whatever you want—enjoy!'

[Conan, replying as Conan:] "'All right, Steve!'

"One year later: [as Koonin again:] 'Conan, about country music…'

"So right now what I'd like to do—I'm touring right now. I was in… where was I last night? Minneapolis. I'm off to Chicago in two hours or so. But I want to show you how I plan to begin and end my show every night on TBS."

With that, O'Brien and his two bandmates launched into a comic version, with altered lyrics, of "On the Road Again." At the end of the song, he did his sign off, in which he says the word "goodbye" sort of like Porky Pig.

O'Brien supplanted George Lopez in the TBS 11 p.m. slot; word is that Lopez gladly accepted the move to midnight—but that didn't stop him from making a couple cracks about the arrangement when he took the Hammerstein stage a half hour later: "Working an hour later and getting the same pay—it's every Latino's dream!" Lopez said. And then, after referring to Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz, who played Lucy and Ricky on the classic sitcom I Love Lucy, Lopez said, "Coco and Loco will do it again! A same-sex Desi and Ricky!"

Prior to O'Brien's taking the stage, there was a film short—the same one shown on O'Brien's current tour, but retrofitted with TBS allusions for the occasion. Looking like a fat Viking version of Rick Rubin, it showed the host waking up amid half-empty pizza boxes, strewn with bottles of Budweiser and Bud Light. Wearing a fat suit, he inspected wine bottles in a daze, spread peanut butter on his big toe, so his dog could lick it off (which made O'Brien giggle, which soon turned to weeping), jumped on a trampoline, and endured his "daughter" saying, "Mom! Daddy smells like pee!"

All this was accompanied by Eric Carmen's lachrymose hit, "All By Myself." Toward the end of the filmed segment, O'Brien takes a call from TBS, runs on an elliptical treadmill, removes the fat suit, and fires a machine gun, laughing, ready to kill once again, in the comedy sense of the word.