Think you're not having enough sex? Read this.

Do you wonder how much sex everyone else is really having? Spoiler: it's probably not as much as you think. Rachel Hills, author of The Sex Myth, asks women to get honest about their sex lives...

When I was in my twenties, I went to lots of parties and worked my butt off to earn a couple of dream jobs. I had a succession of life-affirming friendships, and flirted with devastatingly handsome men. One thing I didn't do, however, was have a lot of sex.

It wasn't that I didn't want sex, or couldn't find someone to do it with - the opportunity just didn't come around that often. At least, not in the way I wanted it to: with someone I liked and whom I could trust not to be a douche about it the following week.

It's a far cry from the Tinder fantasy of self-assured single women filling their plates at an all-you-can-eat sexual buffet, but stories like mine are more common than you might think. According to the 2013 National Survey of Sexual Attitudes And Lifestyles, one in five 25-44 year olds haven't had sex in the past month; among those between 16 and 24, the number hovers around 40%.

"If you're not in a relationship, it's expected that you'll be hooking up with people," says Sarah, 25 - one of more than 200 men and women I spoke to about their sex lives for my new book, The Sex Myth. "I'm single and haven't had sex for three years, but I don't have to be constantly on the search." Then there are the sex surveys done to promote a product or service (read: not exactly scientific), which "massively overestimate how often people are having sex", says social psychologist Petra Boynton.

It's no surprise, then, that many of us feel like we're falling short when it comes to our sex lives - wondering if we're sexy enough, sexual enough, or if our relationships are up to scratch. And it's the gap between expectation and reality that I've come to call 'The Sex Myth'.

But what's really 'normal' when it comes to sex? And does more sex equal a happier relationship? I sat down with 13 women for some no-holds-barred #realtalk. Here's what they had to say…

"We have sex around once a month" Portia, 26, in a relationship

<p class="BodyBembo">"My girlfriend and I are very focused on our

law careers. When we started dating, we had sex every time we saw

each other: two or three times a day. Actually, it was hard to

quantify how many 'times' we had sex, as we'd just lie in bed for

hours. Three years on, we're still very much in love, but it often

feels like our time is not our own. We have sex around once a

month, sometimes once a fortnight. I guess now it's not a

day-to-day priority."

"Sleeping with lots of people feels liberating" Kate, 27, single

"I came out of a seven-year relationship last year, so the last time I was single, I was 19. I feel like before I find my 'forever' person, I should sleep with a bunch of people, and it feels liberating. I'm seeing a couple of people casually, as I wanted to see what it would be like to just think of men sexually, rather than emotionally. I meet the guys I sleep with on Tinder, Twitter, or through friends. I have sex once a fortnight, and I'm happy with that."

"Wanting sex again is new" Harriet, 23, in a relationship

<p class="BodyBembo">"I've been with my boyfriend for ten months,

and we have sex about three times a week. I'm a survivor of sexual

violence, and my previous relationship didn't have a lot of sex, as

I was still processing what had happened to me. Both times I was

raped were in the context of a relationship - the idea that it only

happens with a stranger in a dark alley is bollocks. It meant I had

a very low sex drive for a long time, so wanting sex again is

really new for me."

"We're relaxed about it" Olivia, 25, married

<p class="BodyBembo">"My husband and I have sex about twice a week,

if we feel like it, or if time allows, but there's no pressure.

When we met, six years ago, we'd be at it five times a week, but

things have calmed down. A good sex life should be pleasurable,

open and fun."

"I'm not having sex" Nicki, 30, single

"The last time I had sex was on Valentine's Day - a friend was visiting from Spain, and we hooked up. Before that, I hadn't had sex for two years. It felt like a record and upset me - everyone wants to feel desired. When my friend told me he was coming to stay, I was like, 'This is my chance!' In a relationship, I like to have sex most days, so I'd have to be sleeping around a lot to have as much as I wanted and be single. So right now, I just don't do it at all."

"Once every couple of months" Martha, 26, in a relationship

<p class="BodyBembo">"My partner and I have sex when we see each

other, but we're long distance, so that isn't as often as we like.

We've been together a year, and seen each other six times in that

period. I had this naive assumption that since we were apart so

much, we'd have sex every day when we did visit each other, but

that would be exhausting. When we do have sex, it's quite intense.

It's not a cursory thing - it can last up to two hours - and you

can't expect to have two-hour sex sessions every day."

"We don't have sex in the traditional sense" Bryony, 38, in a relationship

"How often I have sex depends on what you mean by 'sex'. My boyfriend has motor neurone disease, which means we have to work around things. Penetrative sex is quite awkward, as he's paralysed from the waist down. He can feel everything and his penis works, but he can't move, so we've only tried it a few times. Instead, we have lots of oral sex, masturbation, cuddling and kissing - we do that every time we see each other, which is about once a week. It's more holistic than anything I've experienced with anyone else."

"I've never had sex" Lucy, 28, single

"There's never been an opportunity for me to have sex. People say I'm missing out on a big part of the human experience, but I don't see it that way. Sometimes, I feel weird about it, but I can't figure out if that's coming from me, or because society makes me feel that way. Just look at Shoshanna on Girls in Season 1 - it was the biggest deal EVER that she was a virgin, yet she was only 22. I feel not having sex should be recognised as normal."

"We make the effort even if we're too tired" Jessica, 33, married

"We have a two-year-old, and both work full time. Some weeks, we'll have sex five times; others, not at all. There's no other way around it, except putting in the effort to initiate it when we're too tired to move. It's necessary to feel close to each other, so there's definitely 'taking one for the team' from time to time. Like, if I'm super-tired but my husband is horny, I'll jokingly say, 'OK, we can do it, but I'm just going to lie here.' He'll say similar things, too."

"Once or twice a year" Liz, 29, single

"It sounds depressing, but I have sex once or twice a year. It's not even necessarily someone I'd date - more often a friend or drunken hook-up. It just happens, then never happens again. I'd like more sex, but what I'd like more is a relationship. I'm looking for something meaningful."

"Three to four times a week" Bridget, 33, in a relationship

"Three to four times a week. That's the compromise. If it were up to him, it would be every day; and lately, if it were up to me, it'd be once or twice a week. He'll show interest by coming up behind me when I'm in the kitchen and pressing himself against me or, in the morning, make it clear he has an erection. He's showing he's attracted to me, so I'm not going to complain. I've dated guys who weren't that interested, and they didn't work out."

"We're always saying we should have more sex" Phoebe, 32, married

"My wife and I have sex about once a week, on average. We're always saying we should have more but I also don't think either of us is dissatisfied, because we still prefer to watch TV most nights. We don't turn each other down, though. And we're usually holding hands on the sofa anyway, so there's still that sense of intimacy."

"I love not having to rely on one person's libido" Alex, 26, in relationships

"I'm non-monogamous with two long-term partners, both men, and I sleep with others casually. On average, I have sex a couple of times a week. I might see both my partners and meet other guys all in one week, or there might be a week where everyone is busy, or we get together and no one wants sex. Not having to rely on one person's libido is great. If I go longer than a month without sex, I can revive my OKCupid profile to pick someone up - although there is more to my relationships than just sex."

The Big Bang Blueprint: What is normal now?

"So, you've told us how often all these people have sex," I hear you protest. "But how am I supposed to know if I'm having enough?"

You're right - and that's intentional. There's a reason these stories are different, and that's because there's enormous variation in the way we experience sex. That doesn't just go for how often we do it, but what we do, and how we feel about it. Swinging singles and couples who have sex three times a week exist, sure, but they're not nearly as common as you think.

See, here's the thing: there's no set formula for a happy sex life. Having lots of sex doesn't necessarily mean your relationship is perfect, just like a dry spell doesn't mean you've lost your mojo. "There are so many ways to measure how well a relationship is working," says Dr Boynton, "from how well you get on and how attractive you find each other, to how you communicate and what things you do to enjoy your time together."

And the best news of all is that we have the power to change the stories we hear about sex, and that means more #realtalk. Who's in?

Rachel's book The Sex Myth: The Gap Between Our Fantasies And Reality is out now.


Some names have been changed.