June 4, 2010

Where's the beef? Check my pantaloons.




December 31, 2008

Taste me soup, Vive la France!

Taste my soup and Vive la France!

Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?  Yes indeed, mon ami.  But before we get down to the task at hand, let’s get some sustenance.  Oui?  You have to love those Frenchy frogs with their many culinary innovations.  The precision they employ to make their fabulous meals is unparalleled and has been turning us on for centuries.  Merci to that!  Who doesn’t love a bowl of French onion soup on a cold winter day?  The salty tang of the onions, the soggy French bread and stretchy cheese that always ends up on your chin.  My knees are knocking while I eat seconds as I write this.  Tres joleis!  This soup certainly stepped up to the plate of providing radical results.  My date was clearly impressed by the TLC put into it, but it was love at first bite.  Neither of us could finish the bowl due to the distractions of wine and spontaneous waltzing around the kitchen.  The first post-coital bite made me want to put on a beret and write post-modern poetry in French.  Sacre bleu!

Total time: approximately 1½ hours
Projected cost: $10 (gruyere cheese makes it costly)
Drinking Buddy: Wine of course, silly Yankee scum!

1. 1 teaspoon of salt
2. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
3. ½ cup of cooking sherry
4. 6 cups of chicken broth
5. ½ teaspoon of black pepper
6. 1 tablespoon of dried thyme (or 6 sprigs fresh)
7. 2 tablespoons of butter
8. 6 yellow onion chopped in long strips
9. French baguette cut into ½ inch slices
10. 8 ounces of Gruyere cheese (can substitute for Swiss)

Step 1
Heat a stockpot up on medium heat and melt the butter and olive oil with the salt.  Throw in the onions and mix them around.  Cook the onions until they reduce in volume and brown. (approx 20 minutes)
Step 2
Pour in 2 cups of water into the onions and cook until the water evaporates, leaving the onions in a big brown clump.  (approx 10 minutes)  Pour in the sherry and repeat.  (approx 5 minutes)
Step 3
Add the thyme and chicken broth.  On high heat, bring it all to a roaring boil, then reduce heat and simmer.  (approx 30 minutes)
Step 4
Preheat the oven to broil.  Ladle soup into the small, deep bowls.  Place French bread slices on top of each soup.  Sprinkle the Gruyere cheese over each slice of French bread so they are covered evenly.  Broil the soups (approx 5 minutes), allow to cool (another 5 minutes), and then eat up.  Ooh la la!


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November 29, 2008

Here is CTB’s very first promo.   Stay tuned for many more video tutorials on recipes, seduction techniques, etc.  This one is here to show you just how easy it is to COOK TO BANG.  Senorita Fajitas recipe post coming soon.  Thank you for your patronage and keep on COOKING TO BANG!

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November 27, 2008
Break me off some of that morning deligh

Break me off some of that morning delight

You don’t often hear people lamenting a lack of carbohydrates in their diet. That mean old Dr. Atkins scared people off from the potato, a respectable source or sustenance that kept the Irish alive  through the worst of times.  The tater and his friend the loaf of bread hid out in the attic away from the anti-carb Gestapo.  The bread and potato would surely have joined their “fattening counterparts” in the trash had they not been convinced they aren’t solely responsible for making people fat.  Luckily science has proved carbs innocent since good health requires balance, not extreme diets driven by fear.  Potatoes are once again en vogue so I suggest you grab yourself some bounties of the soil.  This simple method will allow you plenty of time to cook some eggs or just grope your date.  The smell of the roasting potatoes will be too enticing for them to resist.

1. 1 potato cut into bite-sized pieces
2. 1 onion chopped coarsely
3. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
4. Rosemary (fresh if possible)
5. 4 garlic cloves diced

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 300 degrees F. Arrange the potatoes, onions, garlic evenly around a pan.  Crown it all with rosemary, then add the olive oil, and salt to taste. breakfast-potatoes-drizzle-salt

Step 2
Cook the potato and friends for 25-30 minutes.  You will know they are done when the potatoes have softened and can be easily pierced with a fork. Serve it up to accompany an awesome scramble, compliment a breakfast burrito or throw it at the cult members going door to door trying to convert people on their Saturday mornings.breakfast-potatoes-cooked2

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November 18, 2008

Vampire proof holiday comfort food

Vampire proof holiday comfort food

Garlic can kill your game and the plants in your living room if you aren’t careful.  Sure the vampires might stay away, but so might your sexy time play pal.  But use the right amount and your palette and date will thank you.  Garlic can take boring old mash potatoes to a higher plane full of robust flavor and passion.  You can cut the garlic bit using buttermilk that will leave your taters velvety and sparkly.  This savory side dish can certainly save a main course that resides in Bland City.  What better way to impress your new lover’s family during Thanksgiving?  You will forever be remembered as that derelict whose only redeeming quality was that killer side dish that outshined their turkey.  You might even get invited back next year, with or without their son or daughter.  Garlic is also incredibly good for your immune system, which you will need in tiptop condition considering all the banging to be done this holiday season.  Should you overdo the garlic, realize you and your date are both stinky, and can make sweet stinky love, relieved to know no vampire will interrupt your tryst.  Happy Holidays!

1. 1 tablespoon salt
2. 1 cup of buttermilk
3. 4 cloves of garlic chopped
4. 1 onion chopped coarsely
5. ¼ stick of butter
6. 7 small red potatoes quartered

Step 1
On medium heat, sauté the garlic, onions and salt in butter until they are soft.
Step 2
Boil a covered pot of water on high heat until it boils.  Throw in the potatoes, return it all to a boil, cover and cook for about 15-20 minutes.  Use a fork to test if they are cooked through; if the fork easily pierces the potato you are golden.  Drain the potatoes in a colander.
Step 3
Combine the sautéed onions and the boiled potatoes.  Pour in the buttermilk and blend with a fork, eggbeater or hand blender.  Serve up the potatoes as a badass side for Thanksgiving, with pork chops or use as a tasty lubricant.

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October 24, 2008
Simple enough so you can figure out how to get that damn bra off.


If only seduction was as simple as making salsa.  But simplicity is the root of innovation so go with it.  Salsa with chips can be a nice light meal or compliments countless dishes.  Over fish, tacos, eggs, you name it.  Be sure to tell your date you made it from only the finest ingredients, even if you bought them off a truck.

1. 2 tomatoes roughly chopped
2. 1 green onion roughly chopped
3. 1 handful of cilantro roughly chopped, stems removed
4. 1 jalapeño, deveined and deseeded, and roughly chopped
5. ½ a lime
6. Salt to taste

Step 1
Throw the chunks of tomato, green onion, cilantro and jalapeno into a bowl, squeeze the lime and throw in salt to taste.

Step 2
Mix like an 80’s hip-hop DJ until the salsa break-dances on your date’s tongue via a tortilla chip or your finest taco sampler.