For the first time in 3 years, someone has come up with a Brexit plan.

In fact, there are 3 different plans produced by 3 different men. Quite an embarrassment of riches, for a nation whose menfolk have been screaming at themselves over what the plan is, or might be, for so long.

Women have been involved too, of course. It's just that it's about 90% men, this frenzy of self-abuse, which is perhaps why so many of those involved in campaigning about Brexit may strike you as being perfect for throwing overboard into 50ft of water, attached to a chain.

The first plan has been suggested by Rory Stewart, the only Old Etonian in history to ask nicely if you'd like him to be Prime Minister.

His big idea is to think carefully about it, ask citizen panels what sort of plan they'd like to see, then ask Parliament to approve a deal it's already vomited out 3 times.

He appears to think he could pass it this time, although considering it's the same deal and the same Parliament it's fairly likely he'd be having the same damned rows about it.

Still, a nice stab at blind optimism. 6/10.

A career as a stage magician awaits

The second plan has been suggested by Labour deputy leader Tom Watson, who has spent a long time waiting for Jeremy Corbyn to lead a way out of the mess and appears to have decided he can't stand it any longer.

His plan is for everyone to realise arguing is very silly, and to stop doing it. He hopes this will work, on the basis that Tory and Labour voters alike are all pretty fed up. But more than anything else, he's basing it on the fact that the claim Labour voters want Brexit is a stone-cold lie.

The Labour heartlands that voted for Brexit have changed their minds. The urban Labour areas never wanted it in the first place. And the Labour membership, and Labour MPs, are overwhelmingly against the whole idea.

Even hardliners in the top team have urged a second referendum. There appears to be only two members left in the Labour machine who are pro-Brexit - the leader, Jeremy Corbyn, and his puppeteer, Seumas Milne.

Appealing to the remaining 500,000 or so is a solid gambit likely to be welcomed, and which may even nudge a resentful leader an inch or so towards reason. But that'll be as far as it goes. A good idea, well-executed, won't work.

"Would you like a seat in the House of Lords?"

The third idea has been suggested by Boris Johnson. Well, it hasn't, because he's not suggesting anything. But his plan is perfectly obvious if you just look at what he's done so far in the Tory leadership race, and indeed for the past 30 years.

Johnson is going to say nothing. To anyone. About anything. Someone who does not tell you their plan cannot have the plan criticised, and by the time the plan becomes clear it's all a bit bloody late.

If Johnson becomes Prime Minister by telling no-one what his plan is - it must be a good plan, if it's secret, right? - his plan is to "be Boris". And a glance at his career history proves that means ruffle the hair, harrumph a bit about those damned Frenchies, lie, adulterate wherever possible and offend everyone within reach.

While his opponents each promise to be "a tough negotiator", Johnson will be an impossible one. The political equivalent of hammering out a 500-page legal agreement with a feral cat on crystal meth, and then stapling it together with jelly.

This plan would work brilliantly, if the EU were filled with people likely to become exasperated, desperate, and promise the hyperactive kid some ice cream if he'll just be quiet. But the EU is instead filled with bureaucrats and lawyers, who will watch quietly and then say "non". Again.

Brilliant entertainment, terrible idea, totally unproductive.

I want my country back

The problem with all of these ideas is two-fold. They each rely upon Brexit being a certainty unless the people say otherwise, and none of them acknowledge that Brexit is not, and never has been, possible.

You were asked to vote on whether the United Kingdom should Leave or Remain in the EU. But Northern Ireland never could leave - legally, morally, democratically, and practically, its border must be uncontrolled. Unless you control that border, there is no Brexit, and attempting to control that border would lead to Irish reunification, and Scottish independence.

Even the Welsh, who voted for Brexit, have changed their minds. There is not one part of our union which wants to end it; only the most rabid of Tory ideologues believe the splintering of our country is a price worth paying for the right to raise a middle finger at the world.

Postal vote for the EU referendum
Postal vote for the EU referendum

When you add this growing public mood to the fact the referendum was tainted by Russian trolls and campaign finance breaches, a logical, just and brave PM would simply declare it null.

Some would complain - but polls prove the vast majority of Britain would find it a huge relief. The vote was not legally-binding, and the only people arguing it is democratically insurmountable are those who believe the new will of the people can be ignored if they don't agree with it.

We are are a Remain country now, and one so embarrassed about the past 3 years that most of us would prefer to forget it. Our next PM has the executive, legal and democratic right to make that happen. Above all else, a decent leader has the moral duty to bring the curtain down on this ridiculous twatathon.

The best way to restore faith in democracy is to listen to people. And they have decided that it is time to argue about other things.