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The Blue & Gray Press | August 18, 2019

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Sexclamations: ‘Birds and Bees’ Awkward For Parents

People hate awkward moments. Like politicians, no one likes to be in a situation where they can feel their soul cringing in pain every time they have to answer a difficult question. This is why almost everyone avoids describing their bedroom activities to the parental units because parents make everything more embarrassing. It turns out that the feeling is mutual; what else explains why parents never bring themselves to telling their little darlings about the birds and the bees?

Unfortunately for mankind, this epic exchange of awkwardness between parent and child over sexual behavior is usually unavoidable. Since Mom and Dad hold the purse strings most of the time, they can monitor their child’s behavior like evil, totalitarian, paternal tyrants if they so choose.  This means that students have to have a game plan for how to address this issue when the time comes.

The first step is to know the opponent. While it is obvious that their main goal is to embarrass their children in front of their friends, parents seem to also have their child’s safety in mind. Therefore, if one satisfies that aspect of their concerns, like convincing them you won’t get herpes, become pregnant or impregnate, there is less reason for them to inquire deeply into your nightly activities. This rather straightforward strategy is crazy enough that it just might work.

Another trick is to not lie; it’s not that parents can always detect the lies of their children, but rather if you lie too much, then you can get caught in your own web of deceit.  Never underestimate the ability of newly retired parents with large amounts of free time to find a snag in an alibi: after all, other than trying to figure out Facebook, those empty nesters don’t have anything better to do now that they can’t make you clean up your room.

For the best chance of shortening any awkward moments talking about the sexy time with parents, eliminate unnecessary details and extra info.  Just like no one wants to hear details about when you go to the bathroom, additional information describing intimate physical events will probably be unwelcome. This shouldn’t be a problem for most students, but remember that it only takes one mistake to create a lifetime’s supply of awkward family dinners.

When dealing with parents, it’s best to acknowledge their concerns and tell them the truth while not giving too much extra information. If that fails, remind them who gets to choose their retirement home.