What a Nightmare.


Babes, I have kept the door to the office pretty much closed since your accident. I would come in here when needed, to deal with what I had too. There has been a lot of paperwork to sort, the business of death is a real thing. I would come in, mostly to just throw things on our desks, and leave.

Until today.

I have felt the pressure of all that is in this room looming over me. Forcing its’ way into my awareness and like homework that isn't finished; nagging at me to pay attention. I knew that getting into this would be awful so I put it off. But here today, 9 months since you left I came in, and am sitting of the floor with all our papers scattered around me. 

It stated because I needed to find an access code to be able to deal with an account that I am getting the run around on. ‘ You are not on the account we cannot discuss it…’ again and again. I’m not sure what they don’t get about ‘he died’, meaning, he will never be dealing with this. I finally got frustrated enough after three hours of calling numbers just to be told to try a different department.  Knowing how organized you were I thought I'd find what I needed quickly. Well 4 hours latter I am fairly certain we don't have it. There are many such dead ends these days.

While all that shit needs to be dealt with, it is at most frustrating. But the loss of you; that is tormenting. Going through your files I see all your future plans. I read all your notes and ideas and go through your hopes and dreams. All that was to be, all laid out here in black and white. What a fucking waste, babes why didn’t you get to live them out?

Everything you were working on, all you were creating. It is too much for me to take. Like there is no way I will get through this, still my heart keeps beating forcing me to endure. I feel waves of nausea and honestly just want to give up, yet my body won't give out so what am I to do? I have no choice but to find away through this, but fuck.

I feel like I won’t make it.

Holding the folder with all the receipts from the renovation you did to the house, and all the certificates you ever received in another folder I am overwhelmed by how wonderful you were. It’s not right, you still had so much to offer the world, so much to share. It doesn't seems like you were complete here. It cannot be all over.

I wonder, if you had known you only had 29 years would you have done it differently? What would you have changed, anything? If I knew, I would have given you more freedom. I see your dreams and plans scattered all over the room. As I read them I wonder if I supported you enough. If you knew how much I admire you, trusted you, how much I would have given for you.

How do I let this stuff go? No one will live out your plans but I can't bring myself to throw them out. And then, then there is the life jacket and helmet from the day of the accident. It has been in the office closet. I didn't know what to say when they asked me if I wanted what you were wearing, so I said yes. I don't know if there is a right answer to that question. She warned me that your clothing was really torn but the life jacket and helmet were fine. Now I have those. The life jacket you borrowed but I am certain they won't want it back, so it sits there in the closet, taunting me. I don't want it, but like all your notes and ideas what do I do with them? Just putting them in the garbage seems unreasonable but keeping it is messed up. What to do?

When I first heard of the accident I wondered, were you wearing a helmet and life jacket. Babes, thank you for doing everything right. It would have been harder on me if you hadn't been. I remember C. telling me what happened and I felt a mild relief that you did everything right. This was in no way your fault and that is a gift to me.

Still, I can't help but wonder what if this didn't happen. What if you were here right now? At your desk, as I cleaned the office. Never one of my favorite tasks but you loved it in here and would be stoked anytime I worked here alongside you.

Now I am in here alone.

I wish I could join you.

I found lists of things we still needed to finish up around the house before the wedding, you'll be happy to know they are all done. They are done, but I have never felt so unsettled in here.

I found the Goji’s GC we were looking for last summer, but what am I going to do with it now? I don't even like frozen yogurt, I only went because you liked it. Well I think you mostly liked your creations, all the toppings and sauces. Rene nothing feels right. It is real now for me that you are not coming back and it makes me sick. So sick, my body has been feeling weak and so have I. This is taking a lot of me, sometimes I can't believe I will live through this. Sometimes I don't want to. And yet, it's not up to me.

I found the receipt for my wedding dress and for the rings. The extra invites and the book I was reading, ‘7 Principles for Making Marriage Work’. Maybe the saying is true, those that can't do, teach. ‘Cause I am one hell of an inspired teacher right now sharing my lessons of life and love, but living is tripping me up.

I see your golf clubs that have been in here since I moved them from the front door. Now I have two desks, two computers, extra monitors, so many random cords and extra computer things. Cleaning this out is disgusting, it is not something anyone should have to do. Here I am, trying my hardest to keep it together, but falling short. Sometimes my hands shake and I can't help it. It started right after I found out, I just watched them shake. As I was driven to your family's place to tell them, I just sat in the car watching them shake.  Now I can control it a little but when things get this intense I can't help it.  I want to throw things and scream and cry all at once. It's pretty fucking awful.