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If You Post These Statuses On Facebook, Chances Are I Hate You

I’m annoyingly overzealous about my Facebook status updates like the next guy, but there are some things that pop up on my newsfeed that I just can’t help but judge people over. So, I’ve compiled a list of EIGHT different Facebook statuses that make me wonder why I ever pressed “Accept:”

  1. “Dear… (1-2 sentence long rant) Sincerely, (Name)”- Anyone who structures a status this way seriously deserves to get punched in the face. I can’t even begin to explain how much these statuses annoy me.
  2.  “Cell’s Good”- Do you really think someone’s going to read your status and say, “Oh wow! This guy just posted a status saying ‘cell’s good!’ He’s so laid-back and easy-going. I’m sure so many people are calling him right now! I’ll go off and shoot this guy a txt.” No. You’re not cool and easygoing. You actually look super desperate for attention. I hope everyone who’s thinking of “txting” or “hitting up” your cell reads your status and then decides not to.
  3. “Boo it’s Monday! EEEK” or “Thank Gawd it’s FRIDAY!”- Newsflash: People have friggen smartphones these days. It takes two seconds to look up the temperature of the water around the Titanic for crying out loud, nevermind checking what friggen-ass day it is.
  4. Laundry list of what to do today- Hey you know what? I’m totally stressed out over all the shit that I need to get done. Do I want to hear about what you have to do? FAHK no! Especially if it’s something stupid like running to the bank or going grocery shopping. Do you really expect a “like” from this status? What kind of reaction are you looking for here? Do you expect a response from people?
  5. Any and all posts about the gym– Good for you! You work out. Why the HELL would anyone on your newsfeed care about how you are going to the gym? It’s a pretty mundane, common occurrence. Unless you’re meeting Barack Obama there or your gym is passing out free 14K gold iPhone covers, no one cares. Oh and we’re not stupid. We all know you’re that recently-single 17-28 year old dude looking to score some A and wants the layyydayyyz to think you have sculpted abs.
  6. “So HUNGOVER! Ugh!”- Are you trying to convince me that you’re cool enough to drink with or something? When I’m hungover, death is so much far up on my shit that the LAST thing I want to do is post a status about it. Instead, I’m crying, puking up bile and experiencing mortifying flashbacks from the night before. Enough, already.
  7. “Soooo Bored!”- Why the hell else do people log into Facebook?
  8. TMI- Please don’t write a status about the following things: your menstrual cycle, when/where you jack off, your colonoscopy, getting tested for STD’s, that fight you had with your boy/girlfriend, your bowel movements and what your sex life is like.


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My Secret Mortal Enemy

So there’s this girl I went to high school with that I’ve been enemies with for a while but I’m fairly certain she has no idea. I hated her when we were in high school because she’s one of those well-liked girls that no one could ever say anything bad about but was also talented in other areas and got attention for it. Don’t confuse her as being one of the cool “popular” high school people because my school was way too lame to have any of those (although some people thought they were), and I definitely would never find myself envious of such vile creatures anyways.

I think a huge reason why I hated her is because we were both trying to tap into the Rock-band-Hockey-Player-High-School-Guy dating demographic and she was much more successful at it than I ever was. In high school, I was pretty fun and had friends but I was definitely awkward about dating and flirting. She, on the other hand, had hot boyfriends and boys in every class pining for her affections. I was just a stupid hot mess who’d fall asleep in class because I always rolled out of bed 10 minutes before I had to leave the house.

Just recently, when I was on Facebook secretly resenting her, I realized that my hatred for her is completely ungrounded. She has literally never said anything offensive to or about me or anyone I love and protect. So why do I STILL hate her? I was with a friend at the time and asked her if she had a Secret Mortal Enemy too, and she told me she had a couple. Could you believe that? Multiple Secret Mortal Enemies? That must be difficult to keep up with!

That made me begin to think about how someone might secretly hate me or resent me for no apparent reason, too. I might be someone else’s Secret Mortal Enemy- I’d have no idea! At first I was upset and scared by this but then I realized that I hope someone does secretly hate me for no reason. That means that there’s something way cool about me that they wished they had.

Do you have a Secret Mortal Enemy?

Image courtesy of a quick google image search of “haters”

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