Thursday, November 17, 2011

Run Away, Run Away...

In my head I picture the Monty Python crew running away from the 'French' castle while barnyard animals are being pelted at them. If only my issue was that funny.

I've realized in recent weeks that when the tough gets going, it takes all of my strength to not run and hide. I attribute this to my youth when I would get the belt for doing something bad. I don't want to imply that I was beat by any means, or that I have a fear of my parents in anyway (they are awesome, actually), but I never liked getting in trouble.

This isn't to say that I'm constantly getting in trouble in my adulthood, I've been quite good thank you. I've grown a lot since I was a child and have gainned strength I never knew I had. Yet, I still want to hide when things go down hill in my life. Like right now, I don't want to face reality.

Maybe that's what it is all about. I don't want to face the possible turn my life could be taking. I know that it's not anything new in the world, and many people, people I hold dear, have had to deal with in their lives, but I don't want it to be a part of mine.
Does that make me selfish? Probabaly, but that doesn't mean it's not any less hard.

This issue isn't something that's new to me, either. It's something that has been in the back of our minds for just about 10 years. The big difference now is that there might not be any more treatment options. That is the scariest thing and my worst fear. It's really hard not to shut down and question whether it's all worth it.

When issues like this happen to you, you find yourself questioning everything. What's the point in doing this if this person won't see it? Why do this if it isn't going to be anything more than an experience. It's hard not to fall into a huge depression pit. I let myself feel this way, I think it's healthy, for a few days. Usually I start to pick myself back up and move on. This time around, it's taking even more strength than usual.

I'm not really accomplishing my goal of movement, to be honest. I'm forcing myself to do things daily. I know it's not healthy, but until I know what my future path will be, I'm in limbo myself. That's what's the worst thing about this situation at the moment, we don't even know if there is or isn't any opions available to us.

I know that I will only run away so far. I can't completely check out. For one, I need to be there for him. I really believe that he gains strength from me, and I can't let him down, not now. I also know that if I let go of the rope while being in the pit, I could be done for. I don't know if I'm ready to give up. So, I continue on this battle and hopefully come out on top, not matter how appealing the hidden cubby-hole looks.

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