24: Part 2 - Ghost Warrior (1984)

Look out for Todd, the scientist in charge of ass-staring. In part 2 of SMS! 24, Phoenix West and Jansen Carlin discuss the 1984 sleeping pill, Ghost Warrior. A movie not about a ghost or a warrior but instead a deep-frozen samurai walking around modern Los Angeles with the pace of a Parade Of Homes. They discuss the science behind being frozen, the movie's misleading poster, the female narrator that sounds like she graduated from DeVry, how to identify an automobile using only a rock, the mystery of the missing ass and the true purpose of the 'increase' knob during surgery. All of this before choosing which movie was shittiest. Will it be shittier than whatever the reigning champion is? Does it matter? Either way, check out part 1 before watching this. Or not, it probably won't matter.

24: Part 1 - Attack Of The Killer Donuts (2016)

Oh snap! In part 1 of SMS! 24, Phoenix West and Jansen Carlin review the 2016 'film' Attack Of The Killer Donuts. Plenty to cover here: the most oblivious main character in movie history, his misunderstood genius uncle releases a toxin that apparently makes donuts eat people, fart jokes every 20 minutes, Phoenix falls in love, erotic mac-n-cheese, literal mother fucking and we learn that simply mashing crusty keyboard keys will fix the town's laptop. Watch part 2 of this episode to see the Ghost Warrior review.

23: Government Shorts 2

Phoenix is forced again to watch and provide live commentary for 2 more government short films from 1951. First is Improve Your Personality, immediately followed by Self Conscious Guy. What will he learn this time around? Probably nothing.

22: Nic Cage Cast 11 - Con Air (1997)

Someone delivers some packages for Phoenix. Creepy packages with vague threats. Does he listen? What do you think? He takes to the sky aboard Con Airlines along with the 20 celebrities on board. Phoenix "The Penis" West riffs his way through this overly long action movie starring a bored and buff Nic Cage.

21: Government Shorts

Phoenix is still held captive and moved into a new room before being subjected to 2 terrible 40's/50's government shorts about morals. Will he become a moral man? He's locked in a room alone, what do you think? Both shorts are presented at full length with Phoenix's commentary alongside. During his review he is rudely interrupted by the doorbell. Who could it be?

Shorts included: 1949 - Act Your Age (Emotional Maturity) 1951 - How To Say No (Moral Maturity)

20: Nic Cage Cast 10 - National Treasure 1 & 2 (2004) (2007)

We knew we would eventually have to watch both National Treasure movies but that doesn't mean we can't watch them both at the exact same time. Side by side, Phoenix watches both movies at once. Will he follow the deep storylines of both films at once?? Yes. Yes he did. It wasn't even slightly hard. Most of this episode is Phoenix passing the time while making Are You Afraid Of The Dark and Ron Howard references. It's a bit long but it's 2 movies at once so that was bound to happen. You'll learn to deal with it. Through years of unsuccessful therapy. Enjoy!

19: Nic Cage Cast 9 - The Wicker Man (2006)

The Wicker Man is the lamest superhero story ever told. His only super power was the abilities to yell at school girls and punch women in the face. Don't get us wrong, those are both great powers but they can only get you so far in life. Prison. That's how far you can get. In this live commentary review of The Wicker Man, Phoenix marvels at the most boring actress ever, how much of the runtime is watching Cage wander an island, how every noise is apparently Rowan, how much fun it is to sing Don't Worry, Be Epi and he even attempts to figure out why Cage has visions that are never explained. THE WICKER MAN!!! Find out exactly how Ghost Rider got on fire in this prequel.

18: Nic Cage Cast 8 - USS Indianapolis: Men Of Courage (2016)

Nic Cage Cast has merged with Shitty Movie Showdown! This is the last episode shot before the merger. It was edited afterward.

Phoenix picked this movie because of the insanely stupid looking poster it had. The one where everyone looked confused as to why they were in a movie. Some even surprised to find out they made the movie already. The poster, however, was not an indication of this Mario Van Peebles movie which turned out to be fairly decent. The only thing Phoenix knew about the USS Indianpolis historically was that it carried the nukes that took out Japan. Yep. That is all over with less than an hour into the 2 hour 10 minute long movie. The rest of the film is...something incredibly unepected. Watch out for sharks. Or just leave your feet dangling in the water. It's your preference.

Music by Bensound.com Song used: Straight

17: Nic Cage Cast 7 - Industrial Symphony No. 1: The Dream Of The Brokenhearted (1990)

Nic Cage Cast has merged with B-Movie Battle! This episode was recorded before the merger but edited afterward.

In this TV movie from human filmmaker David Lynch, Nic Cage stars as a guy on the phone for 20 seconds before never being seen or heard from again. Perhaps someone should have paid the ghost so he would be in more of the film. The rest of the 55 minute runtime is filled with a bizarre stage production consisting of noises and strange people doing stupid things while people flash lights at them in a desperate attempt to make it look weird and meaningfull. Hot Topic: The Movie was as much fun as it sounds.

16: Nic Cage Cast 6 - Zandalee

Nic Cage Cast has merged with B-Movie Battle! Original airdate 3.22.17

Nic Cage Cast is different now. Gone are the long reviews about the movie. Now the show has more variety to keep in line with the Shitty Movie Showdown! reviews. After all, Phoenix IS kidnapped and held in an undisclosed location so he might as well watch some Cage movies, right?

What Nic Cage movie will it be this time? Only the Gods know. And by gods, we mean ping pong balls thrown into a bucket. It truly was a random selection this time around. This is one angry review.

15: Nic Cage Cast 5 - Pay The Ghost (2015)

Nic Cage Cast has merged with B-Movie Battle! Original airdate: 2.1.17

What happens when you cast Nic Cage in a movie where his child is stolen by a ghost witch? The answer is: not much. He doesn't scream at strangers for his child enough. He only gets in ONE fist-fight with a ghost witch. He doesn't do...well, anything for the most part. What a letdown.

14: Nic Cage Cast 4 - City Of Angels (1998)

Nic Cage Cast has merged with B-Movie Battle! Original airdate 11.27.16

There is a god. And he's a huge dick. In this Nic Cage classic, Nic plays a literal angel named Seth that falls in love with pre-surgery Meg Ryan. Then he has to murder himself to be with her. He gets inside that hot hot Meg Ryan body exactly once before she is killed. Oh, spoiler alert for the movie City Of Angels. You had 18 years to watch it and you waited until right now to read up on it? A review show on the movie wasn't a good place to start. I don't feel bad for you. You should go make yourself a human.

Music: "Straight" by Bensound.com

13: Nic Cage Cast 3 - Trapped In Paradise (1994)

Nic Cage Cast has merged with B-Movie Battle! Original airdate 7.7.16

The internet chose Trapped In Paradise as the next Nic Cage movie for Phoenix to watch. A movie starring three legends of SNL: Dana Carvey, Jon Lovitz and... Nic Cage. In this review, he reflects back on how he used to enjoy the movie as a child, somehow. He discusses the plot in an out of order fashion because this movie has almost no plot other than having to leave town. Oh, and this movie has the sensitivity of an Adam Sandler movie toward the mentally challenged. What kind of Cage is in this film? Find out by watching the episode, obviously.

12: Nic Cage Cast 2 - Ghost Rider: Spirit Of Vengeance (2011)

Nic Cage Cast has merged with B-Movie Battle! Original airdate 6.22.16

Now, let's be clear. Phoenix is NOT reviewing the movies but instead reviewing Nic Cage's performance in the movies. Also, this is a video show. This podcast is the audio track only so for the full experience click here: Loitering In Wonderland YouTube page.

Phoenix watched Ghost Rider: Spirit Of Vengeance because a website randomly generated it as the next movie despite Phoenix not remembering the first Ghost Rider 'film'. With the use of clips from the movie, Phoenix will tell you exactly why this movie didn't work. Lack of movie enjoyment did not alleviate the swelling in his Cagerection. Now I really wish we titled this show "Cagerection." Is it too late to change it?

11: Nic Cage Cast 1 - The Trust (2016)

Nic Cage Cast has merged with B-Movie Battle! Original airdate 6.16.16

Welcome to the first episode of Nic Cage Cast. Now, let's be clear. Phoenix is NOT reviewing the movies but instead reviewing Nic Cage's performance in the movies. Also, this is a video show. This podcast is the audio track only so for the full experience click here: Loitering In Wonderland YouTube page.

In this episode, Phoenix West watched the newest Nic Cage movie. 2016's The Trust, starring Nic Cage and Elijah Wood. Plus Jerry Lewis for some reason. Phoenix will explain exactly what kind of Nic Cage movie this is based on 3 options: 1. Rage Cage, 2. Quirk Cage, 3. Quiet Cage. This show contains spoilers.

10: Death Machines (1976)

Welcome to the episode, here is your complimentary cheeseburger. Phoenix and Brent finally find out what is in the box. It's probably what you think it is. Or is it? Yeah, it is. Assuming you're semi-intelligent. They watch the 1976 movie 'Death Machines' about... some guys in black wife-beaters that kill some other guys while an Asian lady takes over a criminal empire ran by an Italian man? Maybe they're robots. We aren't exactly sure. Prepare yourself for nonstop gripping phone conversations, casual driving down dirt roads and eardrum piercing synthesizer music.

9: 2017 Summer Movie Summary!

Phoenix West is forced into reviewing 60 movies coming out in April, May, June and July of 2017. The problem is that he hasn't seen any of the films. Watch as he improvises plot summaries based soley on the film titles and posters.

8: Dark Angel (1990) vs. I Come In Peace (1990)

Things are different this time. Brent watched the 1990 film 'Dark Angel' starring Dolph Lundgren in which an alien comes to America to forcibly deal narcotics. Dolph also attempts to find love with the city's coroner. One problem...she's his ex...

Phoenix also watched a movie called "I Come In Peace" from 1990 in which Dolph Lundgren partners up with the guy from Dream On to stop an alien from out space that is bent on giving citizens overdoses of heroin. Dolph also must find a way to break off every plan he makes with his on-again-off-again girlfriend, the coroner of Houston.

Which movie is shittier? Will the winner be worse than reigning champion The Star Wars Holiday Special? Does it even matter? Who is actually making these guys watch these movies? Also, what's in the fucking box?

7: Star Trek vs. Star Wars

It's a battle as old as time: Star Trek vs. Star Wars. As long as time is a couple decades old. This episode has been painstakingly cut from the BMB! 6 discussion and presented as a new episode in a desperate attempt to make the length of BMB! 6 shorter while also making an entirely new episode. Yes, it’s desperate. No, it’s not funny. No, there isn’t any Star Trek or Star Wars footage but it’s short and provides insight as to how Phoenix and Brent feel about the whole Star Trek / Star Wars thing. Which will win? Does it matter? Find out!

6: Hick Trek: The Moovie (1999)

Phoenix and Brent are forced into watching a homemade spoof movie of Star Trek. This version is about hicks and it's just... actually good. The gang wanted to hate it but found it charming. Their kidnappers use their federation magic to transport them outside for the movie review. It was raining outside. Poor decisions were made. Then a space war breaks out. You'll have to finish the episode to find out.