Kidspot Parenting

'My husband and daughter are having an affair'

Donné Restom |

It's the scenario most of us can't even imagine, but those with older daughters dread.

The psychology of cheating00:27:25

The psychology of cheating

A reader of U.S. women's website, Ravishlyhas posted a truly horrific question to the website's advice columnist, Erin Khar.

The mother-of-three is at a complete loss after the discovery that her husband is cheating on her.

What's ever more horrific is that this affair is not with some woman at work, a friend or even the next-door-neighbour.  No, these nightmare situations are a walk in the park when compared to the truth.

He's sleeping with her daughter.

Anonymous writes:

"I have been stuck in this nightmare for a year and I can't take another day. I am desperate for help! I have been married eight years and I have three children. My husband is not the father of my two adult girls. I am financially dependent on my husband.

"I found out in December 2015 that my oldest daughter and my husband were messing around behind my back. I confronted them and their response was all lies.

"Since then, I keep catching text messages they send each other, talking about how much they love each other. I also found love cards they’ve given each other.

"I cannot take it anymore. They won’t stop and I'm completely depressed, lost, broken, disgusted, and hurt.

"I need advice. I don't know what to do anymore. If I kick him out, I lose the house and everything. I can't stay stuck anymore like this, though.

"We don’t have sex or anything anymore either!

"Please help me!"


Source: iStock

More than betrayal

In a situation such as this, the ability to see a way out is easily blurred by the disempowerment that comes with complete financial dependency.

But columnist, Erin Khar, began her advice with a point that puts any fear in relation to this dependency in perspective.

"I know that you are scared because of your financial dependency," she writes. "But your sanity is WORTH more than any house or dollar amount in the bank.

Khar then goes on to outline the step-by-step approach necessary to get this mother out of her toxic relationship.

A step-by-step approach

"First, make an appointment with a therapist and make an appointment with a lawyer. Next, get your personal and financial affairs in order. Organise your finances, keep a record of everything that has transpired," she writes.


Source: iStock

Something for the soul

When you become a mother, putting yourself first often becomes a ridiculous impossibility. But in a classic example of, Secure your oxygen mask on first and then attend to your child, Khar presses the importance of self-care.

"Now is the time to take care of business and take care of yourself. You can worry about your relationship with the daughter who is having the affair later on. Right now, worry about getting out of this very toxic situation, setting up a new stable environment for you and your child, getting some much-needed counseling, and looking forward, not back," she writes. "YOU CAN DO THIS."

Are you in a toxic relationship?

While this particular situation is extreme, it's important not to ignore issues like this in your own life.

Expert psychologist, Melissa Keogh says that in her clinical experience, "Situations where family members become involved with one another, are often highly dysfunctional and toxic and really do need to be addressed with a qualified mental health professional.

"There are generally long-standing, deep seated issues at play and most often, for healthy boundaries and functional family dynamics to be re-established, all family members need to be in receipt of significant psychological assistance."