Funniest Clean Holiday Jokes


4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
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A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of Sun City Christmas Shopper Seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.

After approx 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times. At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the almonds themselves.

She replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth; they are not able to chew them.

"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.

The old lady Answers, "we just love the chocolate around them."
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Backseat Driver

My wife and I get along just great, except that she's a "backseat driver" second to none. After years of putting up with her pestering, I finally decided I'd had enough and advised her that I would no longer drive with her in the car.

Later that day, on my way home from doing some Christmas shopping at the mall, I heard my cell phone ring as I was merging onto a freeway. It was my wife calling.

By chance, she had entered the freeway right behind me.

"Honey," she said, "your turn signal is still on. And put on your lights; it's starting to rain."
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A father asked his 10 year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.


Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'there's no Santa speech'.

At seven, I got the 'there's no Easter Bunny' speech'.

When I was eight, you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy speech'.

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Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurtin', even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.

Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor,
While upstairs the family continued to snore.
I went into the kitchen and started to clean.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.
The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN."

With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:

"Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Penny's and Sears
Here's Robinson's, Levitz's and Target and Mervyn's.

He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.

Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
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A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around looking for valuables and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack a strange voice echoed from the dark, saying: "JESUS IS WATCHING YOU"


When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a holiday after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "JESUS IS WATCHING YOU".



"Yep" the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you!"

The burglar relaxed........"Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?"

"Moses", replied the bird.

"Moses"! the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot "Moses"?

The bird promptly replied "Probably the same kind of people who would name their Rottweiler "Jesus"...
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I think Santa Claus is a woman .... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.

Once at the mall, they always seem suprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) on this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.


Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened.. having to be seen with all those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly."
- Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men ...... Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, goodwill, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song" it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is. I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!
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The following breeds are now recognized by the AKC:

Spitz + Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow - a bulimic dog

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso + Peekasso - an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer - a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever - the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound - a dog for financial advisors

Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador - a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point - owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Collie + Malamute = Commute - a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere - a dog that's true to the end

Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries.

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.

Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes.

Bloodhound + Borzoi = Bloody Bore, a dog that's not much fun.

Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.

Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.
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your breasts must think i'm good lookin cause they keep lookin at me.

Hey baby, you keep running through my mind... naked.

How much?

They say nature is the greatest teacher. Wanna see what a doggy taught me?

Do you know karate, cause your body is kickin.

Do you have a map....I just keep getting lost in your eyes

Hi.....I make more money than you can spend.

The voices in my head is asking for your number, he's kinda shy.

Hey Sweetz what time do you get OFF? ???? Can I watch or do you need a hand???

I have Skittles in my mouth, wanna taste the rainbow?

SHOW ME your melons and I let you play with my balls.


I'm trying to determine after years of therapy and lots of testing, whether or not I'm allergic to sex.

Just got a snake bite on my weiner, care to suck out the poison?

That's a nice dress. Can I talk you out of it?


Well? show me your's and then i'll show you mine.

My lips are chapped could I rub my lips against yours to moisten them?

Do u wash your pants with windex? because i can really see myself in them.

I may not be fred flintstone, but i can sure make your bed rock.

I wish u were a screen door, so i can slam u all day long.

My weiner is cold, can he hide inside you?

Can I have your picture?.. So I can show santa what I want for christmas!


Am I cute enough yet? Or do you need another drink?

Have you ever kissed a rabbit between the ears? (Pull your pockets inside out....) Would you like to?

If I bit my lip would you kiss it better?
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A couple of pals had the following conversation recently:
"Hey Larry, going away on holiday again?"

"Yes, but you know how I've asked you the past 3 years for vacation ideas for me and my wife?"

"Sure, I recall that."

"I need to ask for something a little different this year."

"Go ahead ... ask me."

"Well, you know how last year you suggested Hawaii and when I returned my wife was pregnant?"


"And the year before that you suggested Bermuda and when I returned my wife was pregnant?"


"And the year before that when I went to Bali, when I returned my wife was pregnant?"


"Well, could you suggest something cheaper this year, so that I can bring her with me?"
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7. I've run away to join a different circus.

8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Margaret' instead of 'Jay'.
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1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.


3. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and smacks included.

4. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

5. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

6. Stock up and save. Limit: one.

7. Semi-annual After-Christmas sale.

8. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

9. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

10. Dinner special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

11. For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.



14. Great dames for sale.

15. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

16. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

17. Vacation special: have your home exterminated.

18. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.

19. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

20. For rent: 6-room hated apartment.

21. Man, honest. Will take anything.

22. Used cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first.

23. Christmas tag sale. Handmade gifts for the hard to find person.

24. Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

25. Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.


27. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
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(the shoplifter special?)


(but, it's just a suggestion.)



(but wouldn't this save me time?)


On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning:May cause drowsiness."

(as opposed to what?)



(Step 3: say what?)


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On Halloween night the door bell rings, and a man answers it.

Here stands this plain but well dressed kid, saying, "Trick or Treat!"

The man then asks the kid what he's dressed up as. The kid says "I'm an IRS agent." The kid then proceeds to take 28% of the man's candy, leaves, and doesn't say Thank You.
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