News from Paddington, 2015-11-14

@mildbyte (RSS) on Nov. 14, 2015 (3 years, 9 months ago)

Tags: paddington | writing

News from Paddington steadily keeps approaching legal age as it's already been fourteen weeks since a drunken rant by News from Paddington got out of hand and became News from Paddington.

News from Paddington went to see a film called Crimson Peak. Unsurprisingly, the showing was preceded by half an hour of trailers and advertisements which had more plot twists than the actual film.

"Hi, this is the museum of procrastination. This is where we put your dreams. This is where we put your unfinished novels. This is where we put all the musical instruments you didn't learn how to play. This is where the gym memberships go. Blablabla. Only with HSBC."

"shows things people are terrified of, like not being able to find their phone charger, having somebody share a photo of them on Facebook, having tons of voicemails from their mother, wearing sandals with socks, having a local MP come around. Blablabla. Only on GiffGaff." (News from Paddington thought that everybody else was scared of different things, like their loved ones being slowly dismembered in front of them, limb by limb, as they can do nothing but watch, or losing all their facilities and having to rely on others to feed, bathe, and clothe them, or suffering from depression and their lover breaking up with them, or having their brain infected with a parasitic fungus that slowly turns them into zombies, or realising that their tenants' rent is no longer enough to cover their interest on an interest-only buy-to-let mortgage. Nope. It's sandals and socks.)

Or The Steve Jobs movie! This is Steve Wozniak asking Steve Jobs "you're not an engineer or a designer. Who the hell are you?" and Steve Jobs replying... oh no, cut! This is Steve Jobs getting fired by his board. This is a theatre crowded with people who are slamming their feet on the floor as Steve Jobs unveils a computer. This is some actors saying "oh, he's really important and such a man deserved a film made about him" and "the way he revolutionized our lives... it's...". Steve Jobs. Steve Jobs. Steve Jobs.

Oh yeah, Crimson Peak. It's a film about some British guys killing people with tea. Tea Paddington points out of five.

Turns out, London has a nightlife. Somebody decided to hold a dance performance on the Northbound Bakerloo line platform at Piccadilly Circus a couple of evenings ago, which then started being accompanied by a station announcement saying "please be reminded that flash photography is forbidden on all London Underground property". News from Paddington consulted with Chicken Cottage on Praed Street who owns a square of land on Praed Street, hence everything above and below it, hence part of the Edgware Road -- Paddington Bakerloo line section. Turns out, flash photography is forbidden on the platforms because drivers who pull into a station are sometimes confused by the flashing lights and think they are an actress at a movie premiere, thus demanding higher salaries.

Vietnamese food week on News from Paddington! Sponsored by Nandos in Croydon! "Nandos in Croydon! Yes, Croydon, but Nandos!"

  • Keu Banh Mi Deli in Shoreditch. They have like a classic Vietnamese Baguette and BBQ Pork Vietnamese Baguette and those are basically like a Subway sub with some spicy carrots. Oh, and a can of Coke costs 2 pounds. Three Paddington points out of five.
  • Song Que Cafe in Shoreditch. They love surgical green colour on their walls and they serve pho. One of the things that is required to eat pho is, after it has been served to you, making it unedible by adding peppers and chilli sauce, which News from Paddington succeeded in doing. They also had a newspaper cutout of an article about them saying "What do they wear? Some wear national dress. Lots of pretty girls in skirts over jeans with Havaianas". News from Paddington didn't see any pretty girls in skirts over jeans with Havaianas. Very disappointing. Perhaps because it's November. Who could have invented a month that's equidistant from spring and summer? How the hell? Three Paddington points out of five.
  • Pho and Bun on Shaftesbury Avenue. Guess what they serve. That's right, they have spring rolls! And squid! And tap water comes in little buckets! And oh yeah, they have rare beef pho, the main idea behind which is "I don't want to cook this meat, I'll just drop it into my bowl and hope it cooks itself". And it does! Four Paddington points out of five. Docking one Paddington point for a suspicious lack of pretty girls in skirts over jeans with Havaianas. WHERE DID THE BEEF COME FROM?


Sign in to post a comment.
