A Long Time Coming



I don’t know how to describe this. It’s beyond having the same dreams at the same time. It’s just like nothing else in the world exists in the moment when we connect except our thoughts. Just K and I. And it’s both beautiful and beyond freaky. I hadn’t spoken to him since Christmas when I was back home, but this past weekend I had another ‘experience’ for a very lame lack of words. Where the rest of the world melted away and it was just us. But not even us physically. Just my one singular thought of me, and his one singular thought that represents him, and we met. Where there was no time or space, just us. In complete trust.

And I’ve been struggling with these experiences since they started because I’ve truly thought they could be 100% in my head and I’ve been fighting it for the sake of my sanity. I just truly didn’t want my kids to have two insane parents. And that maybe I just conjured up this whole fantasy out of pure loneliness etc. But then the next day K called. After months of not physically talking, he called.

And said he’d been thinking about me a lot. Especially the night before. And I told him I knew. And in that moment it confirmed for me that this wasn’t all in my head. This wasn’t something I had imagined. This was something real.

And in some ways that phone call from K helped ease my confusion, but in other ways it just brought more questions. Like oh my god. This is actually happening. We are actually ‘talking’ to each other without words no matter the distance.

For real, for real.

So now what?

This has been in the works for years. But what does it mean? What does it bring with it?

A lot more questions. A lot of trust.

A lot of everything.

But it happened. It’s real. And it us. And it’s amazing.

So this is just a quick post to jot some of my thoughts about it down and to just remember how I felt about it. Because sometimes to remember craziness is crazy.

The Unbirth Of Love














Infinity Undone

So I’ve come to the point where I’ve now loved someone so much, that I’ve nothing left of myself. I feel him at night while I”m lying in bed. I see him during the day in my daily life. It’s like so many pieces of my life match his that my world forms his face. And to know that his physical body is out there, not “feeling” the same way I am, is crippling.

To have things in your universe SO perfectly match another individual, to the point that you become not just your body, but everything you perceive and believe, and know that they are on the opposite side of everything you are? Is both everything beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time. It’s like if everything you are became flat as a paper spread out for eternity. Like you melted and your body was absorbed into nothingness. But your perfect match was the other side of the paper. You are forever so close. But now you know. YOU KNOW, that no matter what else you do, you cannot be with them how you want. Because you are either perfectly touching everything matched and complete, or you must rip away from each other, as far as the eye can see, and the mind can comprehend to create a physical form to come together as a couple as you had always envisioned as we are programmed to do.

But you will always have this knowledge of where you can from. To the bitter end of how thoughts were formed, because in your deep thoughts, you both went to the darkest corners of your mind and soul and very being to find the start.

The start of you. The start of time. The start of us, one, everything. And so despite everything around you, and the few remaining unanswered questions, you know. You know that you came from each other. And with each breath you create each other. And so you hope and believe and trust the hardest thing in the world, that you created, but you trust, that you can both maintain this knowledge at the same time. On both sides of the paper. To maybe both believe at the same time that this love is the deepest and truest and realest and most beautiful love ever.

Because when it comes down to it, the world had to be created at some point. Why not here. In our love in our thoughts? In our breath? In our perception? In this beauty?

And if so, let’s take the knowledge we have, from our view, and perception, to move on with our “life” and create death. Our final resting place. Not somewhere where we would have to come back onto this plane of insanity, dropped back onto this paper at a different location, but lets start matching up to our original start, lets bring it back to the beginning again. Let’s uncreate if you will. Lets find our start. To find our self.

And know that the very real possibility exists that an actual human being may be out there right now to match all our thoughts. To be the other side of our paper. To be our infinity.

We had to be created at some point.

How can we be sure that we can die? Yes, our bodies can fail, but I am no longer sure that ‘we’ die. How do you define yourself? Are you your body alone? I know I am more than just this physical sack of skin holding my blood and organs together, separating my thoughts from yours. But when that physical force fails, my thoughts are now only just free to be.

With that being said, I think comes and even more frightening thought than the conventional idea of death, but the idea that ‘we’ can never die. We can never stop thinking. We can block off memories of past lives, and choose to come again and be reborn as a fresh individual, but ‘we’ as a soul, can never be “done.”

We can have soul mates, whom we might meet up with and even conceive beautiful plans with while recovering in our place of rest and preparing to return to this earth (which is just a projection from all of our perceived thoughts) or we can build our own walls and choose to do things on our own as pure individuals.

Each time we come, we can allow ourselves as much or as little access to ourselves as we choose, but unfortunately, there is no end.

An that is a scarier thought than death in itself.

Because I think it must become boring in the vast openness of ‘nothing’ outside of this world. So we as souls created something beautiful. To both challenge ourselves, but also to pass our infinite time. So with knowing that we all as souls or spirits have come together to create this universe in both it’s great magnitude, but also it’s very small connected form, it will hopefully lead us to remembering our purpose in it’s initial creation. That this is a place of joy and individuality and a place to take form, and create.

So what have you created today, as opposed to destroyed.


And The Wonder Of It All Is I’m Living Just To Fall More In Love With You

So I’m just gonna go ahead and say it. My dreams have been beyond crazy. I’ve also seen having some experiences that are much more than ‘normal’ for a lack of a better word. This post is going to be super short, because I can never find the words to properly describe the phenomena that I’ve been going through. Thoughts I’ve had, feelings I’ve felt, dreams I’ve dreamt. But then also times I’ve gone through in day to day life where it feels like time pauses for me, and I zone out, but not for anyone else. Or weirder still, when everyone else freezes and I continue to move, and think.

It’s become just more than anything I’ve experienced in my 30 years of life but I keep justifying it but saying to myself that it must be real, since I am experiencing it, and I am real… soooooo?

But to have dreams that are in gold and feelings that are in light. To close your eyes and instead of having the darkness you can literally be able to turn over every piece of that darkness to create something new, while your eyes remain closed… its been beyond my understanding until now and even at this moment it’s more than I fully comprehend but its beautiful and the universe that awaits… its almost like it’s been waiting for someone to discover it in this fashion. Because it’s been treating me in such an interesting way.

Anyways. That’s it for now. I have nothing else to say other than it’s been confusing yet beautiful.


I Dream In Colour I Dream Of You

I had a dream a week ago, maybe two.

It was the most phenomenal life like dream ever.

K and I were driving along the road here in town, and we were talking about how life is going, but what made this dream spectacular, was it was in colour. Not just your everyday colour, but everything was sparkling in shades of gold.

Then what pushed it even more over the edge, is that while he was driving and chatting, he reached over and held my hand and I felt it. I literally felt the warmth of his hand embracing mine. And it was the most beautiful breath-taking experience ever.

The dream ended with him saying he better get his shit together. And in an instance the dream was done. The gold was gone. The warmth of his hand was gone. And I was awake. But it seemed more than a dream. It was like we were sharing an imagination/consciousness.

I’d never dreamed in colour before. Especially not gleaming hills of gold and feeling warmth.

Pearl Jam/Daughter










Just a thought you should consider.


That, and trust that it is even possible

-Foo Fighters/The Sky Is A Neighbourhood-