Free writing/rambling

"We're only here briefly. And while I'm here, I want to allow myself joy. So fuck it."

So, that quote. I keep thinking about it. A lot. And I think the part that bothers me the most about it and makes me feel guilty is the "Fuck it" part. I think it's because it reminds me of my mom. 

My mom is the ultimate "Fuck it" master. She is a pro at having no regard for any form of responsibility. She's said "Fuck it" to two marriages, stable employment, financial stability, a permanent place to call home, and more recently, my couch. I've always hated her for her lackadaisical approach to life, and how she usually just expects other people to pick up the pieces for her when things don't work out. I've had to suffer the consequences of some of her actions(or non-action in some cases)- poor credit that set me back as a young adult, which I worked years to fix and continue to work hard to maintain; scrambling to figure out how to pay for college; having to lend her money several times when I didn't have much saved up; the lingering worry that my mom won't have anybody to take care of her or have any resources to support her when she's older(and sick) and that I'll have to do it, when I don't really have much myself; and a convertible sofa that can no longer be converted into a sofa, and quite a few broken electronics, among other things.

I've lived most of my life in fear of being like her, making sure that my major life choices are exactly the opposite of what she would do. But the older I get, the more I start to see that maybe my mom has the right idea. She's lived most of her life with nobody else to answer to. She's free to travel without worrying whether her employer will grant her vacation requests. She doesn't have a mortgage to pay/worry about. Her smart, awesome, and beautiful kids still managed to get a college education through their own resourcefulness or our family's generosity. She's not lacking in company as she has a wonderful support system in her family and friends. 

Although I don't think it's fair that other people have had to step in and help her handle her business, things generally still end up working out for her in the end. She's just been blessed that way.  And I think I'm a little jealous. I want to say "Fuck it" to a lot of things, but I can't. I've tried to be as self-sufficient as I can be and have always seen dependence on someone else as a sign of weakness. I usually decline when people ask if I need help and, honestly, it's mostly because I can't trust anybody else to get things  done the way I want anyway. But it'd be nice to be able to jump and take leaps of faith and know that there'll be someone I can really really trust, unconditionally, to catch me. It'd be nice to be able to flip off responsibility, knowing I'll have a brawler who's got my back, just in case it comes back to try and jump me.

And I don't know if I should be scared or feel more relieved that I'm starting to realize how much Keahi and my mom have in common.