just driving around at 4am

i'm catching myself being mean to myself
thinking thoughts that hurt
thoughts about him and her
the version of him and her that i'm obsessed with this time
usually involving an "ex" and a "why"
why is that?
are you fucking with me?

today Danny sent me a message
at exactly the right time
as usual
snapping me out of my negativity
or at least making me aware of it
the negativity bias
the mind so evil
shut the fuck up
stop fucking with me!
(not you.)

how is today going to be different?
will it be a bad day if it starts out good?
or the other way around?
how should i brace myself?

my heart hurts when i brace myself
that's where the migraines come from
bracing for a future that probably will never be
or is
but is never as bad as the brace itself
and knowing that
helps to unbrace
the brace
protecting me from freedom
as if freedom has a negativity bias.

freedom hurts
but freedom is joy too
and the alternative is unacceptable
potentially worth killing oneself over
so it seems.

Danny was my hero
in so many ways
but not in that way
never in that way
and i couldn't save him
none of us could
no matter how hard we tried
no matter how much guilt i feel about not being able to handle
when he would call me at 4am and just be driving around
because he didn't know what else to do
the guilt that i "got annoyed" with him.

i'm so sorry
i was freaked out
scared shitless
getting "annoyed" protected me
i couldn't handle it
no one could
neither could he
neither could you?
fuck you if that's true
but i know it's not
i just don't get it and never will
not from here
not from this level
this pain
this fear

unwind me from this level
this pain
this fear
to where i get it
to where i am it
to where i am you and Danny and everything.

Lisa Rachel Snyder