Not that I have an opinion or anything.

Suspended State

Suspended State

From sometime in February…

Occasionally when I am in the bathtub, 

lying on my back

after breathing a five count triangle

I can enter into orbit around myself. 

Or the something I like to call myself in conversation

regarding spirit/brain/body/hellfire.

There is a small white light that appears 


Sometimes it is easier to refer to this myself

as purpose

I see me engaged in an orbit around a purpose.

She is there

unclear whether I have any say.

Whether we have any say.

Occasionally this small white light is hidden

behind what can only be described as a

black hole because

I can see it when I close my eyes and

it is black

and spins

and the purpose that I call myself

becomes hidden and I worry 

the small white light 

got sucked in but so far only eclipsed.

Occasionally I forget 

to look for her. 

To look at her.

To allow the gravity of her to hold more importance 

than the illusion of control.

There is a sensation of pushing

my entire body through opaque but very tangible mud. 

The mud like three days after a large storm where the river has begun to clear but the bottom two feet below remains invisible. 

Heavy and stronger than you. 

Occasionally the gravitational pull becomes stronger than my stubborn urge to resist

and suddenly I am on top of a mountain 

and in the future. 

I am there down in the valley. 

staring at the river and crying

mud boots on.

Soaking socks

walking upstream

and at once suspended

I am driving around this wet and brown and green valley

and cannot see where I am going.

But here on this mountain, 

here in the future I can see 

that path of the past

myself moving,

myself violently pushing,

impatiently dragging.

Me, the comet and the tail.

Me, tracing and retracing

damp steps and now I cannot tell if this urge is to turn away 

or go to this person back there. 

Down there. 

All the dirt moving from beneath my feet to this passed 

version fighting gravity and sleep. 

She knows things get better. 

She knows rivers clear and dry

Become a world 

of rocks and green grass

and eventually brown grass.

But the immediacy of a heart allows for no such logic to rule and I am uncomfortable 

watching her 

because she is uncomfortable 

and that is me. 

the color red

the color red

A Relation to Matter

A Relation to Matter