My Experience Being In An Controlling Relationship

The saying "You don't know what goes on behind closed doors" means a lot to me, considering a lot of my family and friends to this day whilst typing this still don't know what I went through.I wanted to talk about this openly to help people understand how emotionally distressing this type of relationship can be.Within this post I'll be going into quite a bit of detail so you can understand of exactly what was going on at the time and the name mentioned in this post (Liam) is made up to protect the identity of that person.This post was written to help you, a friend or someone you may know who maybe going through this and to support them the best way that you can.

Small examples:
  • Not liking me going out or meeting up with friends, even if mixed with both genders
  • Isolating me from my friends
  • Trying to control who I'm friends with
  • Putting me down or discouraging my goals (e.g Model and Blogger)
  • Blaming me for how they feel
  • Extreme Jealously & Paranoia
  • Constantly criticise everything I do
  • No Trust
  • Treating you like your there "property"
  • Being invasive
  • Manipulstive behaviour
  • Blamed or made to feel bad by being complimented by the opposite sex
  • Gets emotionally draining 
All of the above and many more, I've gone through, and it gets to the point where it gets so emotionally draining, going out to see your friends becomes a struggle.I've been in two controlling relationships, the first one wasn't too extreme and they actually did end up sorting themselves out, but the second one I was in for nearly 3years got to the stage that not only was my body starting to get affected mentally, it eventually snapped and I had enough of the relationship entirely.Below I've written my story with some details of exactly what happened and how it affected me over time.No male or female should go through something like this and in some people's eyes or experiences, they've suffered through worse, but once it starts to affect you mentally, thats when you know you need to get OUT.Be warned its fairly long and would advise reading it on a computer so you don't have to frantically scroll.

My Story:

My self esteem back then wasn't that good, so it was hard for me to accept myself the way I looked to someone.Liam (one of my closest friends at the time of 4years) plucked up the courage to ask me out and of course I was over the moon.In the first couple of months they displayed some slight controlling behaviour, but I dismissed this because in the early couple of months, people are always trying to keep that person interested in them and will do anything to keep there attention, bit like puppy love really.After the 6month period, it would still be going on and I didn't really realise it at this time because I was so loved up with Liam and just him proving on how he would do anything for me didn't ring any alarm bells.The most common thing that started off the behaviour, was that I would be out in town on my own doing some shopping, and a guy would come up to me and try to get my number.Your probably thinking thats just basic jealously, but does it count as jealously when your boyfriend blames it on you?I wasn't confident in having my legs on show and would either cover them up with thick black tights or skinny jeans with a baggy hoodie, so it wasn't like I was showing off my body.Back to the guy getting my number; I would tell him "Sorry I have a boyfriend" or  "Sorry I'm taken" and I would either get the "Wow that guy is so lucky" or "No worries, have a nice day" and that was it.I never felt like he was the lucky one, I always felt like I was lucky to have him, all the time.Liam would also want to know everything, to what I had been doing that day, who I spoken to and what went on in the conversation.This of course displeased him that guys were trying to get my number, but they had no clue that I was taken until I stated so.He would make me feel bad for it like it was my fault, like I was purposely attracting there attention.Another small incident was when I went to the costume shop and the lady at the time selected the costume I was looking for to try on and to give her a shout if I needed help.After 5mins trying to zip the back up, I called out asking for help to find a young lad working in the shop rush over.Asking if he could zip my outfit up the rest of the way, he  nervously replied "he wasn't sure"as he didn't want to make me uncomfortable.The only thing that was showing was the back of my bra strap, that was it and I verbally gave him permission too.He was so nervous as his hands were trembling like mad, taking a while for him to grip the zip.I put up a status up of the funny incident, with many people agreeing it was funny, but Liam didn't like that this dude had zipped my costume up even though there was no one else for me to ask and had a go at me for it.

Moving House
Before moving away (2-3hours in total) and during the first month of my new home, I gave him the opportunity to end the relationship, not because I didn't love him (because I loved him loads), I just wanted him to be happy and be with someone who he could see more often, but we made it work long distance.That's when the controlling and trust issues began to grow.Being in a new place, I needed to focus on getting a job, because I needed to earn money and of course meet new people too.It came quicker than expected so I had to stop travelling over to see Liam for a bit, because I was doing training at college and within the work place.Being a spa receptionist, I would always be the first person customers would meet, and was often commented by both genders on my appearance and the service they received from me.Texting my boyfriend at work or when I got home wanting to know how my day at work went, he would mostly get annoyed when I would tell him someone "complimented me on this" today, and the sarcastic responses it would turn into was "bet it was a guy", "bet it was another bloke", and would always go off in a bad mood, with me again feeling bad like it was my fault.It was then decided that I shouldn't mention when people would say about my appearance even if it was something like "what are you mixed with?" question so I just stopped.He would then start questioning everything and it was obvious that me not telling him 100% what people would say was eating away at him.I would mention things that were from a previous conversation to which he would respond with "you didn't tell me that" or "you didn't mention that bit last time", and I was tied at the hands, because he told me to not mention it, yet he was still blaming me.I'm all about being 100% honest in a relationship, and one of my best friends who I've known for years, would often have conversations that he would only want to discuss with me and I would respect him for that because it was his business.I told Liam that I was unable to discuss our conversations and despite him saying he was ok at first, he suddenly switched to that he wasn't.Liam would ask what it was about, and it was honest answer of "just things going on in his life" that I couldn't discuss in respect to him, causing him to get angry at me.A few weeks after that,I accidentally found out that he had been borderline cheating, because he was messaging a girl behind my back on Facebook, mainly exchanging sexual comments.This hurt me very badly, causing some trust issues on my side, but only briefly.Even though I would never do anything like that behind his back, despite men (mainly begs) messaging or trying it on with me, not once did cheating on him cross my mind, not ever.

With every job that I've been in (Business Admin, Personal Assistant and Bar Staff) he would always have an issue with it.The worst had to be when I joined Wetherspoons, which I was really excited about because it was getting built at the time.I made some great friends, often hanging out after work hours and some of them I'm still friends with to this day.But nothing would stop the constant messages of "What you doing???" "Who are you with?" and the constant "Shanise?" when I wouldn't reply straight away, it got ridiculous.I would always tell him if I'm hanging out with friends, because its extremely rude if I'm sitting there texting away, I like engaging in the conversation with the people I'm with.On the subject of jobs, I've always wanted to be a model, mainly wanting to change the way by accepting more mixed and black women in the industry.I wanted to take this further by blogging, which at first was going ok, but again Liam didn't like the huge attention I was receiving which was mainly positive, so I sacrificed it just to keep him happy.
Unfortunately it began to take its toll on me, especially since a month before spoons, I went through a extreme distressing incident with my ex employer causing me to suffer from extreme anxiety issues, making me have to leave spoons as well.With that incident and the emotional abuse from the relationship, I started to have enough and began fighting back.Despite me warning him the amount of times he was being controlling and would apologise, he would always do it and sometimes it got worse.It got to the point of me hating to wake up to a message of him having a go at me for something or at one time, accusing me of cheating on him.My illness got more extreme, especially as he wasn't so supportive of it, and eventually I had enough completely and ended the relationship.That was the best decision I had made as it was a huge weight off my shoulders, with my health being more positive and being my happy self again.I was able to talk freely to people without the worry/judgements coming my way at all and go enjoy myself when out too.
That's just a few examples of what happened during the relationship and there is a lot more that I could add, but at this time I think I've written enough to show how bad it can affect you.I take into account that its only one side of the story, and there were a few people that didn't help with the situation, however it does not give that person the right to be controlling or possessive over you.Your questioning and blaming yourself constantly, because they say things to make you feel guilty.They promise you that they won't do it again and that there "sorry" for hurting you, yet do it again and again.If they don't realise how bad there behaviour is despite you telling them the first time or after getting help?leave because it will get worse.Talking to two seperate therapists on this issue about my past, they both told me that although how mentally challenging it was to go through that, I was very lucky it didn't turn physical because they were showing early signs of this and was only a matter of time before myself would be inflicted by them. Since then I only have this person as a friend and someone that I talk to occasionally, whislt keeping my distance from them.I won't be close friends with them like before ever again but one thing I'm 100% certain is that I'll never be in an relationship with that person or let anyone treat me like that again.I still suffer from some anxiety (who doesn't) but I'm a lot happier.Since starting up my blog again, its been a great success and would like to thank every single one of you for making it get this far.If you wish to contact me privately please do not hesitate to email me on:
UPDATE: Its been 3months since I uploaded this post and I'm so glad its helped so many of you.Nothing makes me happier than being able to help you, whether thats just coming to terms of being in an abusive/emotional relationship, you have realised that its not good at all and you have the options of working it out with them or ending the relationship all together.Don't beat yourself up about it, thinking "I'm so stupid", because they're playing with your emotions and it does get confusing to admit it at first.It took me a very very long time to realise what they were doing, and I was so scared of leaving them at first too, but as soon as I broke away from that negativity, I've been so happy.I've met someone who makes me feel extremely special and I've never felt this happy with anyone, and you can too.Don't feel like you have to stick around if they don't sort there behaviour out, you deserve so much better.

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