Stylised Monologue

Friday, 23 September 2011


If you, like me, grew up believing that the key to starting and holding a conversation is intelligence, knowledge and a sense of humour, well... here I am, baring the sad news that YOU HAVE BEEN FOOLED! In reality, all we have ever needed for the task of conversation holding to be completed with success, has been fashion!! I know this is shocking and trust me, I, too, wish I had known it prior to developing an interest in writing, music and especially history! It turns out, fashion, is not just a variety of fabrics sewn together to produce beautiful, bizarre, over prised garments. I know this news must be causing you distress, but you know it makes sense. Look at it this way... say you're a socially functioning yet awkward human being in your early twenties who, despite the fact that you have a lot to talk about, might struggle to start a conversation... or if you do, it's in the awkward topics that your vicinity allows  (however, you have to be careful with this one. For example, even though discussing the ups and (mainly) downs of the weather is perfectly logical in Britain, transferring that topic to Greece will just earn you a confused look that probably won't evolve into a meaningful chat. The way to go in Greece is, moan about the taxi drivers and the government. Then again, if say, you took that topic to China you'd either be ignored or in some sort of a mess with the authorities. In fact, from my very short experience of China, I gathered that the only way to get your way with the authorities is to somehow convince them that you are very very hungry... trust me, it might even loosen the draconian safety measures taken on the night of the opening ceremony at the Olympics! True Story!) It's all very confusing...
But, fear not, I have the solution! Do a victory dance, ladies and gentlemen! No longer do we need to KNOW STUFF, READ STUFF, or even BE SOCIAL... What do you mean there is an interesting documentary on TV? A new scientific discovery? An insightful book? A brilliant article about Rommel? A play about a group of Athenian people mid Greek Civil war that not only portrays the society of the time but also has a Kim Philby twist (sorry...)?  We don't need all that anymore... All we need is Fashion! (If you want literary accuracy and a free pass into the writers mind, sing this last bit in the melody of all we need is love...[in keeping with the beatles melodies theme... hello? the title!]) All we need is a chunky block ring that will act as a white canvas ready to be painted with the interpretations of everyone you cross paths with. Never mind their age, career or closeness to you, everyone (and I mean everyone) will comment on this ring!

But a ring on it's own... not enough. You know what else gets people talking? Capes. I don't know why! I mean, they've been around for a while now... you'd think people would have gotten used to them... but no! Whilst wearing this cape, I have been asked to swish around like a bat, solve mysteries (the "clever" bunch), do a Sherlock Holmes impression (the more obvious bunch) and/or explain just how it works with the sleeves...oh... there aren't any? so... how?

(See this face? It's the face of someone who has been talked at too much! haha!)

Another way to prevent you from tiring your poor brain out with unnecessary functions like thinking and learning is LEATHER! Whether it's real, FAUX or snakeskin it's a conversation starter!! Leather, in fact, might even take it a step further and get you some lovely comments from strangers in the oddest combinations... I don't mean to put people in boxes but has a builder on the street ever commented on your shoes? Before this, I had never met one whose glance went that far south!

And now... a warning!! You've spent all that time picking the clothes, putting them together and walking around whilst wearing them. You have grabbed the attention, it's been half an hour and your sartorial preferences alone are having free rein on this conversation. You've succeeded. Brain function near zero, hurrah!!! There is one way to spoil it ....

!!! Do not jump !!!

cape: topshop (via eBay ka-ching!)
trousers: topshop (vie eBay ka-ching again)
shoes: zara (via eBay... is this getting boring? well, just one more!)
ring: cheap monday (eBay, eBay, eBay!!!) 


  1. Brilliant post - I need to get on ebay and fast haha xx

  2. Amazing cape!!!!!

  3. awesome snake boots!