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Where Do We Go From Here....

Super Step-Mommy's picture

So, I guess a little background is needed before I begin. My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for almost 3 years now. He has a 2-year-old daughter whom I love very much. He did not cheat on me--I'll explain. About two months into our relationship, he found out that a girl he slept with before we got together was 7-8 wks pregnant. They were friends before but never dated, they had sex a couple of times and the second time, she conceived. When we first found out, his child's mother had planned to terminate the pregnancy (which i'm glad she didn't) so we did not see a need in altering our relationship. A few months down the road, she changed her mind and decided to carry to term. B this time my boyfriend and I had gotten very close and felt that our relationship was worth the effort. During the time she was pregnant, she confessed to having feelings for my boyfriend, and began her hatred for me. Between her pregnancy and now,she has done everything she can to remove me from the baby's and my boyfriend's life. She has on multiple occasions asked my boyfriend to chose her and the baby or me because she said he couldn't have both. She has made up stories of me throwing my relationship in her face by having pictures on my fb page (which i don't know how she has access to view bc my page is private) After she finally realized that he had no romantic interest in her, she began to keep the baby away from him a lot because she doesn't want me around the baby. She hates the ground that I walk on, she tries every stunt in the book from not letting him see his daughter to sending harrassing texts emails and fb messages to both him and me about my presence in her life. The emails/text really tick me off but I either don't respond or when I do, I don't feed in to it (and it def sux 2 always have 2 be the one taking the high road). My boyfriend and have been living together for a little over a year now and have plans to get married and expand our family. I am always nice to her, and the baby and I have a very close relationship. But no matter how nice I am to her or how good I am to the baby, she still finds ways to be hateful. What can I do to make this situation better?


belleboudeuse's picture


The short answer: YOU can't do anything.

You talk a lot about what she does, and what you do. Can you tell us more about what your BF does? For example: does he pay her child support? Do they have any sort of legal visitation document? Does she respect their visitation schedule? What does he do if/when she doesn't? What is their relationship like? What does he do when she treats you like this?

He is the key, here. You have no power, or very little. He's the one who will have to set and maintain boundaries with her. If you can tell us more about his place in all this, it will be a lot easier to give advice!



Super Step-Mommy's picture

he pays child support to her every month and he actually took her to court so that she wouldnt be able to keep SD from him. He has told her on numerous occasions to back off with her crazy behavior and she would stop for a little while and start right back again. When she doesn't respect the visitiation or me he use to blow up at her and get in heated arguments, but now he's just trying not to feed into figures it's a ploy for if she makes a snide remark about me or our relationship he tells her that the conversation is over unless she behaves like a civilized adult. Their relationship is cordial as long as she's can out me out of her brain (which isn't often). They used to be friends (not extra close, but cool nonetheless) They only talk about the baby when they do talk because anything else gets too heated and frustrating. He has told her on mulitple occassions that she cannot control what goes on while the baby is with him just like he doesnt try to control who/what when the baby is with her. She just seemes to be so rooted in her anger that she doesn't care. Is he just not making it clear enough, or is she just incorrigible?

i hope that gives more insight...

midgette71's picture

AMEN, as sad as it is I am in a VERY similar position and there is NOTHING you can do other than make the choice to continue taking the high road which is what will be remembered and revered later (much later mind you)or sink to her level which the longer it goes on the more often doing just that will cross your mind. Being a parent or single parent is ONE of the hardest jobs in the world but the TRUTH of it is in my opinion is the TRULY hardest job is being a STEP-PARENT and here is why; no matter what you do you will always be the bad guy in someone's eyes, there is less than little to no thanks for your sacrifices and right choices and you will ALWAYS be the woman who took him away even though that is NOT the case!!! all you can do is use your prayer bones ALOT and take alot of deep breaths and walk away often finding yourself venting often to yourself so as not to stir the already boiling pot anymore. in my situation i don't think it will end well but it has to for someone and hopefully for you! lately i believe that i will undoubtedly end up having a heartattack from all the stress....often want to sit and just cry but it will get me nowhere but then again all my right choices and sacrifices are NOT working either!

Super Step-Mommy's picture

I definitely feel where you're coming from! It's to the point where seeing her now physically makes me sick--like I feel my face getting hot and my heart speeds up because she makes my nerves bad with everything she has done over the years (and I hate that ANYONE can make me that angry). I hope it works out for us both though. Sometimes I feel like stooping down to her level because sometimes I think that maybe she keeps antagonizing me because she believes that she can and I won't do anything. But after some thought, I know that it won't prove a thing--and it would only make me look as crazy as she can't fight with a brick wall right? So hopefully this taking the high road thing pays off (fingers crossed). It takes too much energy to be an a-hole. Thanx so much for the encouraging words!

Positive Thoughts. Positive Actions


midgette71's picture

it makes me feel good that my advice is somewhat helpful to someone who can understand how i feel. as long as you do understand and dont deny yourself those feelings of wanting to make her feel the damage she does to your life as long as you don't act on it. as petty as this may sound our ability and right to invision karma happening and reveling in their discomfort and venting away from the situation about the situation is what tends to keep us sane. drop me a line if you ever want to talk!

myna's picture

Nothing. My FH got a child with a woman-friend, he slept only once with her and she wrote him a mail! after 3months that she is pregnant and want to keep the baby. He has never had any relationship with her and told her he can only offer to be the boys father. It was 4years ago and she is still in love with him... She even wrote him that she loved him so much when we got engaged. She is not able to move on and calls me the mistress Smile I have no contact with her, I`ve seen her twice and I`ve lived with my FH two years. She has her good days and bad days. When I moved in with my FH she refused to let the boy come to our place 4months. Now he is coming every other weekend and he loves me and calls me stepmom, whats totally driving the mom crazy. I used to buy things for him, cloths, shoes and when he goes home in it it never comes back. She is crazy and it makes me try even harder with the boy. Thanks God my FH is not mixing me in all the drama. My advice forget her and focus on the period when the baby is there and try to make it feel safe with you. I love my ss even if his mom is a complete bitch. And the kid loves me, she is never going to be able to change that thanks to my FH

Super Step-Mommy's picture

that's almost exactly, what happened with my bf. She calls me "that girl". sent pictures of the baby to our house and in the address field wrote from "your real family". She bought planes tix to take the baby to see HIS family across the country (which his family was weirded out by). And my bf tries to keep me out of as much as possible and handle it on his end, but it makes it hard when she starts to contact me!

I'm trying to 4get about's just so hard sometimes...i feel like it doesn't have to be like this and we could all work together for baby's sake. can't always get what u want i guess....

thanx 4 the advice!!

myna's picture

She is sending u messages? Wow, well maybe change your number and don`t give the new. She never wrote to me thanks God. Be glad that bf is trying to keep you out from the things and trust me it`s better when you don`t have any communication with her. In the end you are a stepmom and sd will love you, just use your energy on her and not worry about BM.

Super Step-Mommy's picture

he's also gone to court to ensure that she can't keep the baby away so she now comes over four days out of the week--barring her mother's temperment that day.

Super Step-Mommy's picture
