Day 2018 Christmas time with Hickory farms and white diamonds

22 12 2018
Merry Christmas to all my followers  and readers  and anyone else who follows my blog. I didn’t include. I’m actually glad 2018 is winding it has been one crazy year. I enjoy the time of year though for so many reasons but one biggest reason is the nostalgic part of it.
My parents were amazing about making a little  go a long way. After my father became disabled the year may seem bleak but Christmas I felt rich with gifts. It wasn’t necessarily the quantity but the smell of the house,  the decorations, the tree, and Santa always took care of us.
I’m not a great receiver of gifts but I have my moms spirit of giving. Picking out the exact right gift and knowing I spent time and effort thinking of every person.
I love to give and so after I became an adult and more established taking care of my mom and dad became very important to me. My parents were very simple people it took almost nothing to please them. I would buy them a TV with a remote that took them 8 months to figure out, God forbid a new DVD player, an electric razor for my dad if it had more than 2 buttons then it was too much. My mom, I tried to buy them something that would get them out of the 1920’s but no they liked simple.I always liked to buy them something every year I knew they liked. It started when I was 25 I walked by a display in the mall of hickory farms ( it had assorted sausage logs, cheeses, crackers, jelly) my dad loved it became a tradition. No matter what I bought him you could see every Christmas that he wanted the Hickory Farms. My mom loved perfume. She found Elizabeth Taylors White Diamonds perfume and that is what stuck. We usually waited until the end of gift giving to give them the most anticipated gifts (if old people have anticipation for gifts). My mom would have pretended that getting a dead cricket in a gift wrapped box  was the most thoughtful gift anyone could have thought of. When she got the white diamonds, she would open it spray it on her self and then I knew it was Christmas. You could see the smile on her face that she got her good smelling gift for the year.Then you look over and see my dad digging through his Hickory Farms plotting his Christmas day eating plan.
Its cumming up on my dad being gone 14 years in February and on the 29th of this month my mom being gone 3 years. I so miss them and Christmas when I drove home and the first hugs of Christmas, the dinner and gift time. To see my parents smile with a genuine happiness.
Tuesday night I went shopping at the mall for my daughter. I’m walking upstairs and there it was Hickory Farms kiosk. All the things I bought my dad and the strawberry mint he loved. It made me smile, but my heart was heavy. It brought back the last Christmas I saw him alive. He couldn’t unwrap the box, so I cut up the sausage and let him eat some it.I remember the smile. i walked around for a bit lost in the  mall just thinking. Then a lady walked by and the smell I could pickup anywhere it was white diamonds. Older women wear white diamonds and looked up an older with white diamonds and that smell I remembered for most of my life. I sat down and had tears run down my cheeks. Damn I miss them I thought. If you don’t believe that your loved that have passed dont leave you reminders their still around I will prove to you otherwise. A that moment I got to remember those moments.  Those 2 amazing people who helped mold me into the man I am today. Also why I give, not because I have to but the joy it brings me and the joy to think about what the smiles of Christmas mean.
Another blog memory for me. I hope you enjoyed and Merry Christmas . Love you

Day 1986 Don’t read this blog because Im just whining today

20 11 2018

This is going to be  a tad bit long, and real, but if you are one of these people STOP READING NOW: You got life figured out, you always have the right answer, if every one of yours prayers are answered, the person in the mirror always answers all of your questions, you never struggle with any addiction, depression, loneliness, anxiety, money issues. If you trust God everyday and never doubt him, or when you give it to God its gotten,

Im writing this today so you understand what real is, not what we choose to put on social media, or life about when someone asks how’s everything going. I know we can always put a positive spin on everything and usually I do but I’m talking to those who struggle and feel alone.


4 weeks out of the year depression gets me. It usually lasts a week out of a time , which means 11 months out of the year I do pretty, anxiety creeps up on me, money issues grab me all of that is now. Everyone has money issues if you have money or you have money. It’s all spins just differently. Most of the people reading this are Christians, you can send me scripture, or tell me to give it to God, say this to shall pass. And guess what I know what! I get it. I’ve been a Christian since I was 7. I’m talking about when you said and done all the right things and the pain is there, Why did my engagement ended 2 years ago, why did it not workout with a woman I waited for, why do people die that shouldn’t and people who should don’t (yes I’m judging), Why do people hurt other people (yes I know the answer Im typing out loud), Why do I lay in my bed at night knowing Im a great man hear so much silence,, and now I can count the ceiling fans even as they turn. When I speak to the man in the mirror, he lies, but I believe the lies. Even though  it’s not my fault when I try to help someone but they blow their head off anyway well its not my fault. I know its not but the shit hurts.

Why do complicate life so much that when we get to heaven God says really you thought that day I gave you a flat tire because I wanted to punish you. Don’t you think I have more to do than that. Someone asks I cheated on my wife what I do, First of all stop, go tell her and deal with the consequences. (I can’t do that) well you’re screwed then.  I get depressed it runs deep in my family, I’m there now and I get told just get up. Of shit wait a minute let me run over to that get off my ass switch that I missed and flip it on. How about when you ask me how Im doing I lie and tell you how Im doing I say good and so I don’t hear some dumb response because now you will feel uncomfortable if I told you the truth.

You see I’m a good man, Christian, daddy, friend. I just hurt like you do. Doesn’t make me weak, doesn’t make me less than a man than I was. Im real, Im honest, I try to help, motivate, lift you up on a daily basis because believe me the messages I get from people they are wanting real, and not to feel like they are alone. So as you have that pill to get through that Christmas part, or that drink to take the edge off, or gossip about someone to make you feel better, or you give thoughts and prayers but you forget to actually pray just stop, think I have been there in my life and I might just want to be careful before I put my magic wands of bullshit out there.


So there you go. Im struggling now. That’s real, raw and honest. I would tell you that I don’t care what you think but that’s what people tell others  that care what they think. I love you people and Im sure I will get a bunch of wth is wrong with you, or he’s losing it. Nope I wrote this because I know at 1 person needs this. Were all going to be okay I know , I know. That doesn’t stop the pain today. So judge if you want, people judge can’t stop it just know the pain of the world is deep and we can all cover the bullshit with leaves but you’re going to step in it sooner or later.


Just try to love, be real, and quit trying to cover up life with BS. This to shall pass lol.

Day 1957 My son started his warrior journey Saturday

21 10 2018

Long time no blog. Life has been about as roller coaster as it comes and I haven’t sat down to blog which I should have because it helps, but here is my beautiful typing fingers. I truly appreciate you reading.

Saturday my sons team suffered their first loss on their football season. He’s hard to block and so he got chopped blocked which means one kid goes high and one goes low. After the pile up my son was laying on the ground rolling around in pain. My stomach sank I went down to the fence and they pulled him up and he limped to the sideline. He came over to me and he showed me his shin and it was already bruised. He had tears and said dad this really hurts.If you have never hurt your shin it’s so painful

I did what an old athlete dad does.  I told him I know son it hurts and hurts bad, but you remember me telling you I’m raising you to be a warrior. This is part of  it. If you have to drag yourself, limp, whatever it team needs you to win. It’s a bruise and we can take care of it after the game but you have to fight through this.
My heart hurt for his pain but this not only was about a game, but life. He went back out and fought through it the whole game limping but played well. You could at times see he wanted to stop but being 10 and seeing him fight it was a proud moment for him.
Game was over he walked up to me and said I’m sorry dad. Son I could care less about the score, I’m so proud of you. He looked at me and said why we lost. It’s not the score,  but you should up, you fought when it hurt, You cried but you did it. He smiled and said yeah I did.
He doesn’t grasp what he did yesterday, but he will. Most importantly the score had nothing to do with what was learned yesterday. It my job to raise my son. with love, compassion, and grace but all of us have to rise up in our lives to be a warrior and believe we can overcome no matter how bad it hurts. Yesterday my son started the warrior journey just by not quitting. Raise your children up with the heart of warrior and watch Jesus use your child to raise other warriors.


Day 1863 Screw your 3 step process

15 07 2018





Love you and until my hands are ready to type again.



Day 1828 I dont need you but want…

25 06 2018








Day 1808 You choose your hell

5 06 2018





Day 1871 is the past the past

30 04 2018

Another week and another day getting Balder. Man the patch on my head if I let me hair grow just a little bit looks like i have mange.  Also the fact next week my daughter will be 16 I’m officially getting more seasoned. I don’t use the word old.

The past is the past or is it? I believe it is. What I did in my past will never change. I’m sorry, and wish more than anything I could change the pain i caused people, the people I stepped on to get what I wanted, the conditions I put on people that I wouldn’t follow, the relationships I wrecked because of fear, or the men I hurt because honestly it made me feel better.  I paid my penance and some days I relieve it. I will never forget what happened or what I did but I’m taking my past to help change people’s lives. I never thought one day I’m going to take this crappy relationship or whatever and help change people lives. I wish you could have been with me when my life started the tumble that I  saw coming (at that point it was too late). Would I blow my brains out, try to drown slowly, have a car crash, or just ove dose. I get it and I was alone during my walk by my choice. People who struggle with anger, self-worth, addictions, sex, manipulation. Why do i do this because people harbor their past and live in it. Living in the past will kill you one way or another. I want to help the people who want to learn from their mistakes and never stop moving forward, even when they take two steps back. For the people that have so much tied to their past relationship, but break those chains to start fresh. We’re a rare bird but we attract other rare birds which is one cool flock.

If you’re a person that constantly reminds people of their past, or you can’t forgive them of their past especially when trying to get better! You’re the one with the problem. Get out of the relationship. You need help. Don’t crush someone else because you can’t deal with yourself.

The past is the past and if you hold that against someone you need to be someone else’s past. People can never change if you continue to slap them with things that can’t be changed. Yes you can mend fences but what caused the fence to fall wont be forgotten. Its our job to look past the past and try to help that person move forward, if you cant, please step away, remember grace is a 2 way street

God died on the cross to forgive our sins from tomorrow, today, and yesterday. So stop playing God people, it is finished, let it go. He died for everyone, not the ones you can’t forgive. Dont try drinking a cup of poison and hope the other person gets sick.

Love you all.

Matthew Winters (Honest Thoughts from a Pastor)


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