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Alaska: The Final Frontier
not counting space
State Flowers: Opium Poppy
Official Languages: English

American Eskimo Bear Fish SarahPalinese

Supreme Leader: Ayatollah Palinini
State Bird: Mosquito, Kingfisher
State Fish: Kingfisher-eating salmon
State Motto: "JESUS CHRIST IT'S A BEAR! GET IN THE CAR!", "Right on!"
Nickname: The state that makes Wyoming look like Times Square
Currency: Ice

tacos....cows oil

Principal imports: Illegal Mexians, since nobody is going to give a shit and come get them out. fish lots of fish
Principal exports: Heroin, Morphine, Moose, Bears, Oil, Empty Space, Eskimo Ninja Mercenaries, Ice
Climate: Holy shit, my toe turned black and fell off!

Alaska (formerly known as American-Chinese-Russian-Canadian-North Korean-North Polorian-Soviet Demilitarized Zone) or Oil Land is the United States of Canada's northernmost province. It was obtained from the Vikings in 1867 after the American government agreed to let the Vikings relocate to the comparatively tropical land of Minnesota. Alaska is named after the popular dessert, Baked Alaska. The name "Baked Alaska" is derived from the Aleut alaxsxaq, meaning "puffy cake", or more literally "the object towards which the flame does not melting the ice cream".




Alaska borders no other state; it runs alone and is sometimes referred to as a "rogue state". As such, it plays by its own rules and answers to no man. Key geographical features include snow, permafrost, ice, glaciers, frozen lakes, volcanoes, and occasionally liquid water. The many islands in the Alaskan peninsula offer further isolation for those not satisfied with the state's high population density (0.0003/sq mi). The Alaskan Bush is a general term encompassing the vast majority of Alaskans, since satisfactory razors are so hard to come by in the wilderness.

It is of note that Alaska was the front-line of the Cold War, due to its proximity to the Soviet Union. Many moose gave their lives to keep out the Russian bear, and it is for this reason that politicians from the state are considered experts both in modern foreign relations and post-Cold War cultural studies (see Sarah Palin).

Land Ownership and Protected Lands

The northeast corner of Alaska is covered by the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge (ANWR), a nineteen million acre preserve that is the home of a single bear (unrelated to the aforementioned Russian bear). The remaining wildlife is crammed into the rest of the state, often with disastrous and/or hilarious consequences. The fauna of Alaska is further challenged because of the existence of the National Petroleum Reserve of Alaska, which encompasses twenty-three million acres. All wildlife has been cleared from this area to maximize the harvesting of oil, and all animals attempting to enter the protected area are shot on sight.



Pictures 3 018


The entirety of Alaska is extremely cold, pretty much all the time, for the biggest part of the month, mostly. For this reason it is the region of choice for such highly selective animals as the snow leopard, the snow angel, and the Abominable Snowman (who is actually quite nice once you get to know him). Precipitation amounts vary by region, but in most parts of Alaska a year with less than forty feet of snow is considered rare. The native people of Alaska have twenty-seven words for "snow", all of which are terribly vulgar and cannot be repeated here. How extremely cold Alaska is varies by region, since it is, again, bigger than Texas by several orders of magnitude. We're not talking about some uniform-temperature wuss state here. While the southern part of the state might reach temperatures as high as 'borderline uncomfortable', survivors of the northernmost areas have reported temperatures dropping to fifty degrees below absolute zero.However Kodiak island seems to be the warmest place since it rarely snows in the winter time , but the weather is so dismal with rain and cloud cover you are better off in the snow and fifty below.

Natural Resources

Trouble up ahead123 copy

“Bridge to No-where” in Ketchikan, Alaska.



Alaska is home to virtually every animal known to man, except for Dinoshark; however due to overwhelming numbers of large predators, many of these species are quickly eaten. Prominent in this eating are a large variety of bears, including black bears, brown bears, polar bears, and bipolar bears, but never any Drop Bears.Man-Bear-Pigs are running rampant in the state, Orca whales patrol the shoreline, and always-hungry wolves roam in packs through the central part of the state. In short, being a small animal in Alaska is not a pleasant experience.



The exact population of Alaska is unknown, due mostly to the well-known laziness of those responsible for the U.S. Census. When asked why they chose to live in Alaska, over 68% of respondents answered 'at least it's better than Vermont'. The average age in Alaska is just 28. One possible explanation for this is that the extremely high latitude and correspondingly thin atmosphere allows radiation to penetrate, mutating people as they age until they become vampires, or possibly reverse vampires, who are, of course, immune to any census. Approximately 75% of the Alaska population is white. Nearly all of the remainder is Native American, except for the Filipinos and salmon that control the exotic oasis of Ketchikan. Similar to hockey games and the Republican Party, Alaska is completely devoid of black people. For every 10 people who live in Alaska, 1 of them is a Cereal Killer. The rich and lush forests are fertilized with dismembered body parts. This beautiful forest is home to many species such as Yogi Bear, Big Foot, and the common hermit.


Quit being a bitch and pull the dog.

Most Alaskans model their homes after the historic igloo, which scientists have now reinvented with full access to the internet and convenient plug-ins for cellphones and Ipods. Life in Alaska consists of shoveling snow, studying glaciers, mining ice, hiding bodies, and looking for gold. It ends with the inevitable suicide. The most popular form of transportation is the dog-sled, pictured to the right. The life expectancy of the average Alaskan male is 43. Leading causes of death include hypothermia, fishing boat accidents, alcohol poisoning, suicide, bear maulings, king crab attacks, meth cooking, dogsled collisions, and slipping on the ice.

Film Career

During the 90s a TV comedy series Northern Exposure covered the inner workings of a town named Cicely. Actually the show started as a documentary but the producers declared it was fictional to avoid complications.





The current political leader of Alaska is, of course, a white male (Sarah Palin).




Commonwealth of Independent States - Former USSR Republics


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