The Bitch to Be

  • Posted on
  • in

Being the bridal type, somebody sent me this article in the New York Times about brides who "give" their bridesmaids such delightful gifts as botox or boob jobs.

What I don't understand about these women is, why don't they choose people they like to be their bridesmaids? Because clearly you don't really love or respect a person if you ask her to buy a dress, presents for you, hair, makeup, shoes, and then tell them they also need to get a tan or lose ten pounds, let alone stick pins and knives in them. When you do that to a person, you're basically saying "I've hated you all these years, and now here's my big chance to order you around and see what the limits are of things you will do for me.

These bridesmaids should have the balls to quit the second anything that involves "personal improvement" other than makeup is brought up. They should say "Screw you, man--if you're not mature enough to see past the wedding day, then you shouldn't be marrying that poor sucker to begin with," but they stick through it. Why? Oh, because maybe secretly a lot of us are still 12 years old and feel left out and hurt, not relieved, when we're not given the opportunity to be in the bridal club, which involves being in the bridal parade and in cute pictures which are good for going up on Facebook (or New York Times) so you can illustrate that you always look that adorable.

I'm not harping on the tradition of brides asking her best, oldest buddies to back her up on the altar--I'm doing that myself. But these stories about brides who put these poor "friends" through hell, as if they have nothing go on in their lives on top of this other friend's wedding (which of course you know is more special than their own will ever be)--well, they kind of make me hate women, now and then.

The key, if you think you're being asked to serve a potential bridezilla, is to make sure that you yourself are unmarried, because down the line, you'll get your turn. Oh yes, your turn will come.