12 Mysterious Sex Questions Answered

Some advice, and a little humor, to help you (and someone else) in matters of the bedroom. You'll thank us later.

By Stacey Grenrock Woods

Just how much bacteria is on the typical hotel bed?

Not enough. It seems no matter how hard you try to leave a bit of organic legacy behind — just a little something to carry on after you're gone — some jerk from the government's gotta come along and make everything squeaky-clean again. All hotels put on fresh sheets for new guest and pit shine the bedspreads every leap year, whether they need it or not. Even if they didn't, it's almost impossible to catch anything interesting from a hotel bed. "Literally, someone would have to ejaculate," says Dr. Ronald Primas, expert in travel medicine.
charlie sheen
Riccardo S. Savi/Getty Images
Back Next

How much do you tip a hooker? A flat fee? However much Charlie Sheen pays?

If you do choose to play the game, how much should you spend? "The only form of tipping that seems a lock in the public consciousness is the 10 to 15 percent suggested at restaurants," says Sunset Thomas of the Kit Kat Guest Ranch, a legal brothel outside Carson City, Nevada.

If you're still conflicted, perhaps give her some advice from chapter 8 of my forthcoming book, Do You Tip a Hooker? "Here's a tip: Stay in school."

Getty Images
Back Next

What is the best mattress for having sex?

A hotel bed of course. You can do whatever you want and some jerk comes and cleans it up! Caleb Browning, a physicist at the Legget & Pratt Idea Center, says an innerspring is best: "The main issue is that the innerspring kind of gives back energy. To draw an analogy, imagine jumping on sand. A lot of the energy gets absorb by the sand as opposed to a trampoline that gives you back a lot of the energy." Those fancy foam mattresses are the sand in the analogy, absorbing five times as much energy as an innerspring. To summarize: Innerspring mattresses are better for sex than foam ones.

Getty Images
Back Next

What did Jennifer Love Hewitt mean when she said she "vajazzled" her privates?

I'm sure I don't know. There are certain things — and this is one of them — that you people can simply look up yourselves.

But since you asked, the practice entails the removal of all hair from the pubis and environs followed by the gluing of Swarovski crystals — the rarest and most classy kind of crystals — into an erotic shape: triangle, heart, shamrock, Apple logo, etc. It costs $116 and lasts about five days or 5,000 miles. I don't know the Love Hewitts, but I imagine they're decent people and the girl probably did it for charity.

Digital Vision
Back Next

My girlfriend and I have decided to have a threesome, but what is the etiquette?

Sure thing. From the 1984 Intercollegiate Group Sex Playbook: Boyfriend maneuvers toward girlfriend's hottest friend but settles for anything. Second girl arrives. Intoxicants passed. Guy puts on Roxy Music's "Avalon." Girls dance self-consciously for three to five minutes, kiss. Intoxicants replenished. All disrobe. Three hours pass. Taxi summoned. Pleasantries exchanged. Guy and girl left alone to assess evening. Each silently wonders if the other likes it too much. Dawn breaks. Nothing is ever the same.

How do I minimized my chances of getting caught having sex in public?

When having sex in public, whether by yourself or in a group, one must take stringent precautions to avoid being seen, heard, or unfairly heckled. Dark alleys are great, but there can be some unscrupulous characters about. Public parks are also good. Restrooms, of course, are perfect. According to Joseph Couture, author of Peek: Inside the Private World of Public Sex, the best "have double doors, because you can hear the first door open, and it give you a second before they walk through the second door, before they're actually able to see you."

Getty Images
Back Next

My wife cannot orgasm from oral sex. Nothing seems to be working.

I consulted my trusty feminist bible (I Love You, Ronnie: The Letters of Ronald Reagan to Nancy Reagan) and was able to ascertain that your wife could have some issues including, but not limited to body insecurity, mixed feelings about oral sex, pressure to orgasm and the guilt that she feels while watching you soldier through the unforgiving bush in a battle that never ends. Or she might just prefer the orgasm she gets from penetration. So why not, instead of exclaiming, "Look here, are you going to come or what?" simply pose gentler questions like "How’s this?" "Or how about this?" And if nothing works, I prescribe you stop doing it altogether. That'll show her.

Getty Images
Back Next

Why does oral sex feel better when you're standing up? And does the same go for women?

Dummy, it's not that oral sex feels better when you're standing up, it's that standing up feels better when you're having oral sex. Every single thing feels better during oral sex (except windsurfing, which pairs best with a cigarette). Barry W. McCarthy, American University psychology professor and coauthor of Men's Sexual Health says, "His standing and her kneeling is seen as much more of a highly charged, erotic physical process." That's good enough for me.

I'm gonna be 38 this year and still can't last. What gives?

Sexual science has a name for your condition: It's "premature ejaculator" and it's every bit as chic as it sounds. Doctors now suspect that premature ejaculation might serve some sort of evolutionary advantage. According to Stanley E. Althof, a medical school professor and member of the International Society for Sexual medicine, "The quicker you come, the safer you are, the more you can reproduce, and then you can go on to the next woman." Now there's something to brag about in the locker room!

Corbis Images
Back Next

Condoms seem to get pushed off during sex. Circumcision is out of the question, so what can I do?

It's not your foreskin, it's your condom. Specifically, it's your too-large condom. I have an entire team of prophylactic professions, including a guy from the Kinsey Institute — a guy called Bill Yarber — who's part of a special team investigating condom-use errors, standing by to back me up. I'm not going to tell you to use a smaller condom, but I am going to tell you to use one that's designated "narrow" or "snugger fit," which is exactly the same thing. Good news, about the circumcision though, huh?

Getty Images
Back Next

Not that I have a huge penis, but I have "hit bottom" with a few women. What am I hitting?

Not that I have a huge heart, but opening with "Not that I have a huge penis" is a bit insensitive.

You are probably hitting the cervix or the area just behind it called the posterior vaginal fornix, either of which should feel fine if she's properly aroused and doesn't have endometriosis, an inflammatory condition. Occasionally, women will experience pain from an extra-sensitive cervix or ovaries that rest close to the posterior fornix and refuse to relocate despite repeated warning and government incentives. Shallower positions and longer foreplay should help.

I'm attracted to your cartoon depictions of sexual acts. Totally normal right?

Right, if you were raised in Japan, where the combination of an uptight culture and the prevalence of anime, manga, and all those other tedious, esoteric fixations promotes in its citizens an affinity for two-dimension erotica. In Japanese, the preference is called moe and is pronounced "mo-ay," as in "Monet," only without the n. Or the t. As Thomas LaMarre, a professor of East Asian studies at McGill University explains, "Moe is said to be linked always to flatness. [Moe-heads] insist that 2-D humans are better than 3-D humans."

Restart Slideshow

Related Links