Project Runway

Episode Report Card
Jeff Long: C+ | Grade It Now!
ike her though perhaps I shouldn't, that she designs for the "ladies who lunch." Hats? I don't see any. Does anyone still wear hats? [Editor's Note: Stunning Elaine Stritch reference, Jeff. I'll drink to that. -- Mindy] Peach interviews that "hell to the yes" she expects to be the oldest. She expects a nine-year old to be her roomie. Then, some dude with highlights and flower appliqués on his shirt appears. His name is Nicholas and they seem happy to meet each other. He says that he can't wait to beat her, which he has been waiting to say for a long time. She replies that he, a "little boy," should get ready to be schooled. Peach has good game.

At Grand Central Station, Casanova and Kristin meet McKell. Casanova gives her a hard time about being from Utah and she interviews that she's used to the prejudice. She mentions that she left her nine-month old at home and is feeling the effects.

Kristin tells us, in an AUTHORITATIVE voice, that she lets the mistakes in her pieces speak for themselves. She's an "accidental apparel designer." Oh, YES, she says, you CAN let the crooked zipper stay in the piece. Maybe if you act like you're going to have a cow if somebody disagrees with you, you crazy. The mannequins are positively silent. I can't tell, but I think they're chuckling. They clearly think this shit is ridonk. The club can't even handle them now. [Editor's Note: Equally stunning Flo Rida reference, Jeff. You, shawty, get low, low, low, etc. -- Mindy]

Here's some douchebag who talks about being FOURTEEN and in design and, um, straight. It's clearly an important label for him, the straight designer thing. And, I can understand that, especially if he's been called a fag since he was 14. But, actually being a fag is a bigger deal. So, dude with your fucking insanely uncool bowler hat, especially when paired with your fairly shapeless untucked pink shirt? I don't know. Get over your shit. God, I hate everything right now. He tells us that he wasn't worried about people saying shit to him because he had a short temper and would "straighten them out." He lives in Greenwich, Connecticut. The mannequins are having strokes. He tells us that he likes tough looks on women and he's "not so tender" on men. What the FUCK is he wearing? You're not a waif, Jason. You should be showing off your tits, which you apparently work for per the video of you punching a bag over your koi pond in CT. Jason tells us that he's wearing his ill-fitting and perfectly stupid hat as a way to intimidate his fellow designers. He feels that it gives him the look of a Roman soldier and some sort of mohawk thing. I know. I don't really have anything to say about that.

Jason meets Gretchen on the street. She is from Portland and seems to be perfectly lovely. Then, he asks her what NATIONALITY she is. No lie. She gives a really good attempt at not looking at him like an insane person for that being the first question he asks her. Then, she spouts out a whole bunch of white people places. She's from ALL of them, Jason, you moron. I appreciate that you want to have sex with Gretchen. We get it, you like the cervix. I don't want to write "vagina" for you. She hates you though. Her cervix AND her vagina are in agreement. Somebody help Gretchen! She wants to get away from him.

Mondo, Peach, and Nicholas all meet on some boat that seems completely unnecessary. Why on a boat? Just for fun? There's no fun on PR! Ivy joins them. There's a bunch of weird talk about how people name their collections. It's embarrassing. Now, here's April and Christopher talking about their styles. They seem genuine and serious. However, Chris has such a mannered pair of eyebrows and I think that maybe he has tweezed his forehead ala Queen Elizabeth I/Cindy Crawford. The mannequins don't know what to think about him. April says that she's confident in her talents. They meet Gretchen and Jason on the street where April tells us that she designs fucked up stuff.

A.J. and Sarah meet this dude Michael at the airport. He's from Palm Springs and has been designing since he was a teen. He's totally the dude who thinks that he's the badass and is going to rape the world. He even gives devil horns to prove how obviously evil he is.

All the designers meet at Lincoln Center. Heidi and Tim greet them and Heidi has so many effing bangs. Tim says that the first challenge of the competition is the last phase of the audition process!! Wha? Everyone is completely stunned, because the myth of the actual competition, though you've already made it on the television show, is incredibly strong.

Heidi says that the designers must pull out of their suitcases one garment that they would like to be part of their challenge. So, that's what they did. Then, Heidi tells everybody to pass the garment to the right. Apparently, CASANOVA chose a pair of thousand dollar jeans. Ouch. But, he says that the idiom in the US is that "Shit Happens." True dat.

Tim tells them that they will have five hours to complete a design using the original garment. They head to Parsons. Gretchen tells us that she's part bohemian, part modernist. She tells us that she's kind of a hippie.

At Parsons, Valerie; from Cleveland, Ohio, an amazing place with or without any damn LeBron James; tells us that she loves fashion and is doing this for all of her peeps back home. She cries a little bit and it's completely authentic and I think I love her. Bless her little heart.

Tim comes in and introduces them to Parsons. There's a lot of HP plugging. Also, Mood is apparently in Parsons now? Andy, from Aloha, started with designing pageant gowns. April wants to design a coat dress, but it's short.

Peach apparently can't handle her fabric -- it's coming unraveled -- and Michael thinks that a good designer would know what to do. All I know is that Michael is my pick for hottie of the summer.

Tim comes in to check on everyone. He thinks that McKell's outfit is a disaster. He thinks that Nicholas is making something that could be good, but is not yet there. Casanova looks like he's in trouble. Tim tells April that she needs to make some decisions. Valerie interviews that April's not doing very well. Tim's also not into what Jason is doing. Gretchen presents herself as thoughtful to Tim. He loves what she's doing. Tim gives Peach some great advice for using the fall-apart skirt of Michael's. FYI, Michael seems insulted by her feelings for the skirt.

Tim sends in the models and the designers will have 10 minutes to fit them. Ouch. Valerie tells Ivy that she thought she was hardcore. Jason's all excited about the boobs on his model. Greenwich, CT. He needs to get it together because his model is GORGEOUS. Kristin FORGETS to take her model to make-up and hair. Yes. No words.

Here we are on the runway. Selma Blair is the guest judge! Hi, Michael and Nina. Wow, this is her first stab at relevance in a while! Valerie is first and her dress is a mess. This is such a stupid challenge. Peach is next and it's a black and white print dress that's a fucking disaster. McKell is next and it's a halter dress that is gross. She's carrying a bag and Christopher whispers to her that it was a perfect bag for the dress. That's sweet. Andy's look is Asian-influenced and pretty cool. Sarah made a jumper that works OK. Nicholas made an evening gown that's a yawn. Mondo's dress was a huge bore. I hate all of this. Ivy made a weird top with stupid capri pants. Michael made a cliché, yet finely tailored skirt and top. Kristin's look is sort of a beautiful mistake. My apologies to Heidi's writer. Christopher's look is NOT cute. April's look is seriously unfinished. What a mess. Gretchen's look is elegant and successful. My boyfriend Michael kind of rocked a kimono look. Jason's look is a robe turned backwards. A.J.'s girl looks like what he described -- a party girl. Casanova forgot to dress his girl. Oh no. Nina is about to swallow her tongue.

A.J., Peach, Sarah, Kristin, Michael Costello, Mondo, Valerie, cute Michael, Christopher, and Andy are safe. They leave

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