

There's no way to force someone you love to stop smoking, is there?

(34 Posts)
JamesJazz Wed 08-May-13 12:09:41


Can anyone tell me what I can do to at least slightly increase the chances?

ArabellaBeaumaris Wed 08-May-13 12:10:56

Depends on their personality, surely? If I nag my DP about it he feels defiant, which doesn't help!

DeafLeopard Wed 08-May-13 12:11:46

Short of issuing an ultimatum, which is all sorts of unreasonable, no I don't think there is.

DeafLeopard Wed 08-May-13 12:14:24

Actually, thinking about it, I kind of did blush

DH wanted a career change, which involved resigning from his job and going back to Uni. We sat down and worked out the finances, which showed that we simply could not afford for him to smoke. So it was a bit of an ultimatum - stay in a job you hate or give up smoking to go to Uni. But it was a decision that he made because he wanted to.

JaquelineHyde Wed 08-May-13 12:19:41

Quite simply no, there is no way to force someone to give up smoking.

It has to be something that the person wants to do, the best thing you can do is highlight all the reasons why giving up smoking is something that your DP should be wanting to do. Much like deaf explains really.

Even if you could force someone to do something you would end up regretting it as it would be held against you in the future.

scaevola Wed 08-May-13 12:20:18

The smoker has ultimate control over their body and their actions.

You do not however have to put up with passive smoking (send them outside) nor the smell of smoke (send them to the shower), and can introduce family activities which aren't compatible with smoking, and ask them never to smoke in front of DCs. This should reduce consumption. And then you encourage (with financial and health arguments, and any other 'soft' rewards you can think of).

Good luck!

Fleecyslippers Wed 08-May-13 12:23:20

Was he a smoker when you met him ? For me smiking is a total deal breaker. But I wouldn't expect anyine to be able to 'make' somebody else give up.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 08-May-13 12:44:00

Step away from the smoker.... Seriously. Get involved even a tiny bit, even just to be supportive or encouraging and the danger is that, like every other sad addict, they will treat you as 'the enemy' standing between them and their lovely habit. My ex-H knew I hated smoking before we started going out together. He gave up as a grand gesture to win me over & it worked. Gave up for quite some time but, whenever he was pissed off with me, out it would all come. I was a kill-joy, a bad-guy, 'uptight' etc. Never heard such resentment in my life.

So step well away, point them towards the GP if you're put on the spot. Then maybe the GP will get the blame and not you.

Boosterseat Wed 08-May-13 12:56:42

Have they tried an e-cig? LIve had mine 8 weeks and have not touched a cigarette since.

No smell, it isnt as costly and it still gives the nicotine fix.

JamesJazz Wed 08-May-13 13:16:46

Sorry, it's not a partner, it's a close family member.

No there is no way you can force someone to stop. If they want to smoke they can and will

Mumsyblouse Wed 08-May-13 13:25:18

No, I think it's even harder with a family member as they simply make their own decisions and not with you as a team, so your leverage is much less. I know someone who gave their partner a bit of an ultimatum, they said they didn't want to settle down and have children with a smoker, and the person did give up smoking partly because she wanted to marry and have children, which they did and they are very happy. But he was prepared for this to be a dealbreaker- you won't have that with a family member and any amount of guilt-tripping won't work with them, just given them a bit of support, and as someone else says, direct them to the GP or pharmacist who really knows how to help them.

ExcuseTypos Wed 08-May-13 13:38:07

No, my DH did give up smoking because I nagged asked him to, but 3 years later he started againhmm

It took a 3 night stay in hospital for him to stop. He collapsed with what we thought was a heart attack, but it was actually pneumonia.

He told me he'd always thought "I've probably got cancer already, so what's the point in stopping". He was given a ct scan at the hospital, as they weren't sure what was wrong with him. He asked them about cancer etc and they did answer his questions and he was all clear.

That made him think there was a point to stopping. That and listening to older men on his ward, struggling to breath and on oxygen all night. sad.

Maybe you could encourage your relative to have a health check- although I know if my DH hadn't been rushed to hospital, he wouldn't have gone for tests voluntarily. It's very, very hard.

fashionlover76 Wed 08-May-13 13:39:02

My husband absolutely loved smoking, and although I hated it I never nagged him, as I knew it would send him the other way (he can be rather contrary). I never, ever thought he would give up, but he tried the e-cig over 18 months ago and has never looked back. Admittedly this was after a severe chest infection which really scared him...unfortunately I don't think he would have stopped without the impetus of being so ill. He had tried patches, hypnosis and willpower in the past, but this is the only thing that has worked as it not only replaces the nicotine, it mimics the action of smoking which really helped as his habit was strongly ingrained; I can honestly say it's one of the best things he's ever done.
Hopefully we won't discover that e-cigs are just as deadly....for now it is a great solution, and a great improvement on real cigs. Oh, and it has saved LOADS of money.

eatmydust Wed 08-May-13 13:39:27

As an ex-smoker, I'd say leave them alone to make their own decisions. You have to want to stop. I never smoked heavily, but enjoyed the cigarettes I did smoke (usually to accompany coffee or wine!)- nagging about it made me want to smoke more. I stopped and restarted several times before I finally stopped for good. The time I succeeded was when it was my choice.

Reasons for stopping: pregnancy, health, losing fitness, the smell and these days the increasing unavailability of cigarettes, the cost and restrictions on smoking. If any of these apply to your family member chances are they are seriously considering stopping already.

There is fantastic NHS support available, maybe research what is available locally and discuss with them and as has already been said direct them to a GP or pharmacist. Nicotine replacement and Champix are available on prescription.

VitoCorleone Wed 08-May-13 17:48:54

No, you cant make somebody stop smoking, the person has to want to.

LastTangoInDevonshire Wed 08-May-13 18:18:12

NOTHING stopped me smoking for 48 years. Pregnancy, having a heart attack, triple bypass etc. etc. Then I was rushed into hospital because I couldn't breathe. I was ill, on nebulisers and oxygen, for a week. THAT stopped me...........and my wonderful E-Cig!!

My brother, who lives with me, has watched me go through all that.........and still smokes. His turn will come I tell myself!!!

PeskyRat Wed 08-May-13 18:33:01

Sadly no.

My wonderful mum had emphysema, was absolutely petrified of dying, her quality of life was getting worse, gasping for breath continually BUT she could not give up the fags.

Tried and failed a few times but her heart was never in it to stop so she didn't.

It cost her her life in the end sad.

I watched her go through that, but it didn't stop me smoking until a good 2 years after she had died.

I've been a non-smoker for over 3 years now, I did love my ciggies, but WANTED to stop, so I did.

SugarPasteGreyhound Wed 08-May-13 19:21:33

You have to want to stop, until that day comes then nothing you say will make any difference. It took me 3 goes to stop - have been a non smoker now for 4 years

expatinscotland Wed 08-May-13 19:24:41


Bunbaker Wed 08-May-13 19:31:47

PeskyRat It's horrible isn't it. I have been in the same boat as you and watched my mum slowly die from emphysema. DD (12) has been looking at this thread and asked me why people start in the first place, especially knowing what we do now about the effects of smoking.

My sister and I used to nag our mum to stop, but she was so addicted that even when her breathing was really bad she used to walk around the house with her fags in one hand and her inhaler in the other (in between having to use the nebuliser). If that isn't enough to put people off smoking I don't know what is.

Corygal Wed 08-May-13 19:37:15

I smoke like a chimney. No.

Other people on the subject tend to be just, well, annoying.

Bunbaker Wed 08-May-13 22:38:36

I don't ask people to stop smoking, I just avoid them.

TheseFoolishThings Wed 08-May-13 22:42:32

YY to the e cig. It'll be the biggest favour you can do for this person.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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