Why does it have to be so hard?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2014
Why does it have to be so hard?
Sat, 04-26-2014 - 7:30pm

So after a month of physical affair, after my EA of several months with an old friend progressed, I have finally decided to really end it. It has been one of the most difficult experiences of my life and I hope that I have learned. I started the A because my husband was not giving me the physical or emotional intimacy I needed and I ended the A when I realised my AP wasn't really either even though he told me that he loved me. What I needed was a committed relationship with that intimacy and I could not ask him to give me that since I was married. So having been a "popular girl" in my younger years and then had my self esteem plummet during my marriage due to my husband's lack of interest, I now find myself post affair with even less self esteem than I had to start with and worse I now have no self respect either. What on earth was I thinking? I am not really afraid of the pain of getting over AP, I am afraid of whether or not I can manage to go on at all... right now I'm not sure I can

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Sat, 04-26-2014 - 11:39pm

Welcome back, Masa

I wish you had hung out here and stayed the course.  I saw that you were posting on MAS as well and as any sober alcoholic will tell you, 'if you don't want to drink, don't hang out at the bar.'  ;)

But please explain more about what you mean 'you don't think you can go on'.


Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 04-26-2014 - 11:50pm

It's a good thing that you realized that an affair is not the answer to your problems.  One thing that's very important for you to learn is that your self esteem comes from yourself, not anyone else.  If you ALLOW someone else to tear it down, then it will be torn down.  YOU have to build it back up again.  No man can give you what you don't have within yourself.  The affair taught you that. 

Have you tried to repair your marriage.......have you even talked to him and told him how you feel?  We ALL want attention, we ALL want to feel loved and cherished.......but sometimes the man you're with doesn't know that, or sadly doesn't care.  But again, your own self worth and self esteem cannot be affected by another person.  You should know and love yourself for the good person you are......no matter how another person acts toward you.  If you can't fix your marriage, then you should get a divorce and move on with your life. 

If you don't fix yourself, then any man that will be attracted to you will treat you the same way that your husband and your AP treated you, with no respect, because the same kind of men are attracted to the weak desperate women.  You MUST love yourself before a good man can love you.  If you love yourself, you won't need a man to provide your self worth, but you will attract a man who will love the strong attractive woman you are. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Mon, 04-28-2014 - 4:28pm
fissatore, I could like your post 1000 times! Excellent!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2006
Mon, 08-11-2014 - 1:52pm

I'm a runner...it isn't just what I do; it's who I am!