Joke of the day

Joke of the day

Every man needs a go-to joke.

Joke N° 3522
The Football Game...
St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about football. This goes on and on with both arguing who would field the best team. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral ground between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys. "Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches." "I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed, "but we've got all the officials!"
Alex G.
Joke N° 3524
Marriage Counseling
After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" The wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!" The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
Simon T.
Joke N° 3527
Golden Toilet
A man comes home late one night, drunk. "Where have you been?" asks his wife. "In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and a golden urinal!" This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden Bar. "Do you have golden chairs?" "Yes." "Do you have golden glasses?" "Yes." "Do you have golden beer?" "Yes." "Do you have a golden urinal?" "Hold on." On the other end, she hears, "I think we have a line on the guy who pissed in your saxophone."
Darren T.
Joke N° 3528
Prominent Lawyer
A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter started to escort him inside when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake. "I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!" St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the Pearly Gates, and agreed to check on his case. After investigating, he told the attorney, "I'm afraid that there is no mistake my son... We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and according to that, you're at least 108 years old!"
Jordan R.
Joke N° 3530
In Heaven
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams. "Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "Its only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more bloodcurdling screams. "Oh my God," says the old lady, "Now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there'" says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that."
Joke N° 3532
A Pirate's Life
A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a pirate walk in the front door. The pirate had a peg leg, a hook for one hand, and a patch over one eye. Feeling sorry for the pirate, the man said, "Come over here friend. You look like you've had a hard life and I'd like to buy you a drink." The pirate came over and ordered rum. "Just out of curiosity," the man said, "how did you lose your leg?" "Arrrgh!" said the pirate, "I lost that timber to a tiger shark in the Caribbean when I was thrown overboard for stealing a man's rum." "That's just terrible. How did you lose your hand?" the man said. "Arrrgh!" said the pirate, "I lost that fighting cannibals off Madagascar under Admiral Hawk." "Oh my!" the man said, "I can't even imagine! How did you lose your eye?" "Arrrgh! A seagull pooped in it!" said the pirate. "A seagull!" the man exclaimed. "Is seagull poop dangerous?!" he asked. "Nay, matey, it was me first day with the hook..."
Joke N° 3534
The Blonde At The Library
A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and screams at the librarian, "This is the WORST book I've ever read! It has NO plot and far too many characters!" The librarian looks up and calmly remarks, "So, you're the one who took our phone book..."
Matthew P.

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