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What's on the menu?

Our chef on the job, Stephen Harris, gives the grim facts of pub food

I think we all have a romantic vision of an English country pub which goes something like this: a rosy-cheeked lady of the village making pies to her secret recipe; low ceilings, wooden beams, sunlight streaming in through small windows; a slightly grumpy bearded barman who, despite initial caution, warms to you and tells tales of haunted goings-on while you wait for the home-cooking.

Well, while some of these dreamy places may still exist, the chances are that the next country pub you come across will be either a new-fangled gastropub where the chef thinks he's Marco Pierre White, but cooks more like Wilfrid Hyde-White; or a pub- managed house, perhaps the worst type of eating establishment of all.

Pub-managed houses are owned by big breweries or catering companies who then install managers. They may be a couple who are paid very little and who carry out the whims of the villains of this piece, namely the marketing department. Sitting in head office it is very easy to decide on a strategy which makes perfect sense. So an incredibly long menu makes perfect sense in head office, but causes havoc in the kitchen.


Country Vegetable Soup

Ah, that old classic menu tactic where the description 'vegetable soup' just isn't enough so, instead of being more specific and maybe telling us what vegetables are in the soup, the boys in marketing come up with 'country'. When I came to work at one of these pub-managed houses, the hard working young chef showed me his recipe. First take the left-over vegetables from the weekend carvery (these, by the way, have sat in hot trays and under lights for up to four hours and are now brown), and throw into a large pot of boiling water. Add concentrated dried chicken stock and boil for a while. Pour into a blender and whizz until you have a strange, brown purée. Re-heat to order. By the way, vegetarians will be told that the soup is suitable for them because in many kitchens dried chicken stock is not regarded as a meat product.

Battered Mushrooms with a Garlic Dip

Now this is, from the kitchen's point of view, almost the perfect starter as it is fast with no wastage and easy to portion control. These bought-in beauties will go from -20 c in the freezer to 180 c in the overworked fryer in a matter of minutes. Just enough time for the Chef's Larder garlic mayonnaise to be scooped into a bowl.

Moules Marinières

If the warning signs are there then steer well clear of the mussels. The chances are that this establishment couldn't give a shit and the mussels have gradually released their waste products and happily sat in it for up to two weeks until ordered by you.

Main courses

Scampi and Chips

Now this dish solves the problem nicely. It arrives frozen and stays frozen until you order it, at which point it suffers the same fate as the mushrooms. Just for fun, count how many you get on your plate as catering lore says that odd numbers look best on a plate, so you should get five or seven. Now try going to Harrods Food Hall and buying five fresh langoustine (whose tails are supposed to be scampi). You will pay £8.75 (at the time of writing) but scampi is on the menu for £6.95. Subtract the VAT and divide by three and you will have the amount the restaurant paid for the five pieces, i.e. £1.91. How do they do it? I don't know but it is one of the greatest sleights of hand in the restaurant trade.

Thai Chicken Curry

If you've every seen a Thai chef at work you will see that he has a huge array of fresh ingredients in front of him: lime leaves, ginger, lemon grass, coriander, garlic, chillies, whole limes, etc as well as fish sauce, soy sauce, coconut milk and oils. So how can Thai food take up only one dish on the menu? Of course the answer is a chef's favourite - dried Thai seasoning. He then takes five or seven bits of frozen chicken pieces and microwaves them for three to four minutes. Add a spoon of Thai chicken seasoning, half a tin of coconut milk and microwave for another four minutes. Serve with rice and salad.

Steak and Chips

You'd think they couldn't ruin a steak, surely there's a rubicund, porky chef, with a hat, prodding and turning steaks over a hot griddle. But I know of a popular roadside chain that sends ready-grilled frozen steaks to its outlets and then gives instructions on how to microwave them. I have also seen a steak thrown in the deep fryer for a couple of minutes 'to give it colour' and then finished in microwave. Nuff said.


In a pub-managed house these will probably be a case of 'round up the usual suspects'; Death by Chocolate, Banoffi Pie, Black Forest Gateaux, Deep Fill Apple Pie. The companies who supply the frozen, bought-in, puddings also send promotional material which I was told on a training course, was ideal to display because 'you can't have too many promotions displayed in your pub'. When I suggested that you can and that maybe less is more, I went from teacher's pet to smart-arse troublemaker even quicker than normal.

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