Ask E. Jean: Finding

Put yourself under sexual house arrest

Gregg Delman

Dear E. Jean:  I've slept with easily 50 men in the past two years. I don't feel ashamed. I have no qualms about it. I'm a hopelessly romantic 26-year-old attorney who happens to believe every sexual encounter will be the start of a meaningful and lasting relationship. Of course, this behavior has resulted in countless men disrespecting me. So I'm excruciatingly lonely!

I'm seeing an excellent therapist, taking medication for my bipolar disorder, and I know that I'm exceptionally attractive, brilliant, eccentric, and cultured. I have an amazing family and incredible friends—my father is one of my heroes (so we can't blame it on daddy issues). Please help me, E. Jean! I want so badly to find "the one" that it completely consumes my thoughts. —Lovelorn Nymphomaniac

Love, my enchanting trollop:  Please. Fifty men in two years? That's 25 chaps per annum. Two and change a month. Barely one little fellow every 377 hours. Bah. (If you really believed that nonsense about "every sexual encounter will be the start of a meaningful and lasting relationship," your bed would be a turnstile.) Okay. Let's set this deal up so you can begin a romance. First you must accept that there's no such dude as "the one." With nearly 3.5 billion males on the planet, you have, at minimum, in my estimation 120 million men, any one of whom would do very nicely indeed. Second, you must agree to be placed under Sexual House Arrest.

Rules of Auntie Eeee's Sexual House Arrest

1.  You may not kiss, cuddle, or bang any member of either sex for the next three months.

2. Clubs are not an option. Bars are off-limits. You are permitted to eat lunch, brunch, and dinner in public restaurants on the condition that you look stunning. You may also compete in motocross races, join expeditions to save grizzly bears in Montana, run the tables in Monaco, and campaign for your candidate for the 2012 elections.

3.  You will e-mail the phone numbers of the chaps you meet and contact me every day to report how you are doing. (Yes, this deal operates on the honor system, and I've seen it work spectacularly!)

4.  If I suspect you're shagging one of these gentlemen, I will call him. And you don't want Auntie ever calling your gentlemen. Trust me.

5.  At the end of three months you'll have met two, possibly three guys and will be getting to know them. This is how you begin a meaningful lasting relationship, Miss Lovelorn! Good luck!

If anyone else feels the need to be placed under Sexual House Arrest, I am offering this service free at

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