How to ... do a newsletter

Newsletters fill the gap between newspapers and letters. Another gap they fill is the bin. Newsletters are a primitive form of communication used by people unable to converse socially. The rule is that the more anoraky the subject matter, the more vibrant the newsletter. Which is why the internet flourishes as a virtual newsletter for the socially challenged.

The only way to guarantee readership of a newsletter is to ensure that everyone who gets one is in it. This is so important that you should always have a column listing people whose names haven't been mentioned in the issue. Some newsletters even carry small ads, such as home-made honey for sale from Mr Pottinger. This will appear next to the feature about Mr Pottinger and his honey-making. And check out the letter from Mr Pottinger about honey and the making thereof.

Adverts cost about 20p per insert. Sadly, newsletters don't get much advertising because everyone who reads it knows who you are and what you have to offer, and would already have it if they wanted it.

The rarest kind of newsletter is the third issue. That's because the first issue has all the news, the second all the corrections and apologies for the first and the third has nothing left to go in it. The newsletters that last the longest are those with the biggest editorials, because editors don't mind how much work they have to put in, as long as the first two-thirds of the newsletter is given over to their opinions. Of course, editorial opinions don't have to be limited to the subject of the newsletter - it's wondrous how much the editor of Handmade Lures has to say about the EU.

Journalistic standards are very high in newsletters. That's because getting the opening time wrong for a jumble sale can mean the difference between a fundraising triumph and a serious breach of the peace. Digital photography and desktop publishing have revolutionised newsletters, but it's easy to overdo it and end up with the Toddler Group newsletter looking like a scaled-down version of Vogue.

Printing is now straightforward: you just give it to the person with the best photocopier at work. In fact, photocopier repairmen say that 90% of breakdowns are due to people trying to copy 20,000 newsletters in their lunch break. Interestingly, the newsletter for photocopier repairmen is called Jamming.

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