Apparently, political crazies are prevalent

Published: Saturday, March 30, 2013 at 4:30 a.m.
Last Modified: Wednesday, March 27, 2013 at 11:12 a.m.

As a simple Canadian, I am confused by American politics. It seems there are two parties (there are more, but only two have ever held power nationally), the Republicans and the Democrats, and they just can't seem to get along or agree on anything lately. Why can't they get along?

Now, having said that I'm a simple Canadian, I'm not so stupid. My daddy told me so. It was one of two great compliments he has paid me in my life. "You're not so stupid," he said, to which my chest swelled with pride.

The other great compliment came when I tried a new method of tying my shoelaces. "Oh, independent thought!" he exclaimed with surprise.

I've been in Hendersonville for two national elections now, and I still do not fully comprehend the process. For years, I thought it was my hearing. Every time a politician spoke, all I would hear was, "Thank-you, thank you. It's great to be here." Blah blah blah, blah-de-blah-de-blah.

It didn't matter which politician.

"Blah-de-blah-de-blah," said John McCain about Barack Obama and the Democrats.

"Blah-de-blah-de-blah … de-blah," cleverly retorted Barack Obama.

Often I would comprehend the odd word in the muddle of blah-de-blahs. "Blah-de-blah-de-blah ... I can see Russia … blah-de-blah."

I decided to ask some of my American friends to tell me the difference between a Republican and a Democrat.

"About $40,000 a year," said Don, a regular at Hannah Flanagan's pub.

"Who gets the $40,000?" I asked.

"The Republicans."

I tried a different tack.

"What's wrong with the Republicans?"

"They've been hijacked by the religious right."

"What's wrong with the Democrats?"

Don hesitated for half a second, betraying his preference, I thought. "They give too much away," he said, or something like it. I took that to mean they've been hijacked by the communist left.

Don's remark implying Republicans are rich didn't make any sense to me because my friend Zeke, a staunch Republican, is anything but. Zeke lives up in the mountains, and I have to say — because Zeke said he'd hurt me if I didn't — that Zeke does not make moonshine. Authorities going to his home will not find any moonshining going on. Happy, Zeke?

"Zeke, I heard all Republicans are rich. But you're not rich. What's up with that?"

"Help me load up my truck and I'll tell you," he said.

I grabbed some copper tubing, but he stopped me. "We'll load the bags of yeast first, so we don't crimp the tubing."

After the truck was loaded, Zeke explained: "If you're not a socialist at 20, there's something wrong with your heart. If you're still a socialist at 40, there's something wrong with your head."

Confused now more than ever, I decided to go to the source. I asked the volunteer at the Democratic headquarters on Greenville Highway to tell me, in 25 words or fewer, what the difference is between the two parties.

"The Republicans look at the numbers, the dollars and cents. The Democrats care about the welfare of the little guy. That states it."

"I heard the Democrats have been hijacked by the communist left," I stated.

"If you look at the extreme aspect of the party, that's probably right. I won't deny there's crazies on the left, but they have less influence on the Democrats than the crazies on the right have on the Republicans. They've hijacked the heart and soul of the Republican Party."

That couldn't go unanswered, so I went looking for the Republican headquarters. Unable to find it since it no longer exists, I called Mike Scruggs, whose term as the party chairman ended a few days ago.

"The Republican Party has evolved to be more traditional, both economically and socially. The Democrats used to be more conservative, but they've evolved to be a radical socialist party that's anti-Christian," he said.

"I heard the Republicans have been hijacked by the religious right," I responded.

"I don't think that's right." (It was an unintended pun, I'm sure.) "The religious right is really a minority in the party. They've never tried to take over the party. The Republican National Committee pays them lip service more than anything else."

I told Mike I had heard that the crazies on the right have more influence on the Republicans than crazies on the left have on the Democrats.

"That's pretty much nonsense," he said, adding that it's the Democrats who are being led astray by their own crazies.

It seemed I was hearing the same thing from both sides, so I went back to my old buddy Zeke to clear my head and seek clarification. A Rhodes scholar, Zeke, when pressed, can offer up some pearls of wisdom.

"Yes, there are crazies on both sides," said Zeke, sipping on a jug, "and both sides know it. Tugging on the fabric of America from opposite ends, something's gonna rip. It's the people in the middle, who aren't crazy, who need to realize how much they have in common. Leave crazy to crazy, and let's get on with it."



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