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[–]Poem_for_your_sprog 834 points835 points ago

'Before it struck, I had a while
In pre-repentance bliss
To contemplate, with half a smile,
The things that led to this.

Vociferous from year to year,
I'd always been the same -
And so I watched it freewheel near
And knew just who to blame.

'You might have done,' (I'd made my stance
Too quick, if truth be told),
'If maybe you'd have had a chance
And weren't so fucking old!'

And there we are. I watched it sail.
It spun and flew, and far.
And that, dear friends - well that's the tale...
Of how I got this scar.'

What is the most cringeworthy/embarrassing way you tried to "be cool"? by HowBouThemApplesin AskReddit

[–]Poem_for_your_sprog 82 points83 points ago

'With all the petty, spiteful glee
Of childishness and youth,
I treated people awfully -
And that's the honest truth.

I willied every waiting ear -
I thumb-tacked every seat.
I twisted arms from there to here,
And wedgied with repeat.

I spitballed every easy eye -
I swirlied every head.
I laughed to see an infant cry
With every word I said.

But listen close - on days like these,
I've only my regret.
For now they've wives and families...
And I've the internet.'


[–]Poem_for_your_sprog 2994 points2995 points agox3

'Dearest son,' she started saying,
'When these serfs and servers talk;
When the poor and paupers, braying,
Walk their bankrupt, beggar's walk -

Simply greet and shoo them, sweetest -
Cut the chaff, and shun the poor.
Should they carp and cry 'elitist',
Share a smile - and nothing more.

Don't be fooled by pity's blindness
When some perfect pauper's whelp
Comes to you for aid or kindness...
Never, ever, help the help.'

What constant lie do you tell? by Ghastlygherkinin AskReddit

[–]Poem_for_your_sprog 2084 points2085 points ago

'Well who's my little darling dear -
The apple of my eye?
A slice of joy, from there to here,
As cute as button-pie?

And who's the perfect purr, at that -
The loveliest? The best?
The most stupendous pussy-cat,
Exceeding all the rest?

Well who's the one I won't forget -
A pleasure, through and through?
The finest, flawless, feline pet?
Oh, Fluffy... it ain't you.'

Bartenders of reddit, what's the saddest thing you've seen someone do to get with someone by DicklessforChicklessin AskReddit

[–]Poem_for_your_sprog 2168 points2169 points ago

Her dress was rose and cream, and caught
The light - and eyes of men.
She'd worn it once for me, I thought -
But never had again.

I stood behind the window frame,
And saw in every smile
A tune I'd known, and shared the same -
If only for a while.

She'd pick a soul to lead astray -
To string upon a song.
Good luck, I thought, and turned away...
She's never yours for long.

What is the worst impulse purchase you have ever made? by sebkurniain AskReddit

[–]Poem_for_your_sprog 1205 points1206 points ago

The saber shone and spun with speed,
Until - a blur of shining steel -
It stopped before the noble steed,
Which raised its head, and bent to kneel.

'My oldest friend!' the templar cried,
And sheathed his sword; he wiped his brow,
And looked toward his horse with pride...
Until it stretched, and neighed: 'meow'

Man, early porn films were weird. by Spencerforhire83in WTF

[–]Poem_for_your_sprog 1328 points1329 points ago

A Eulogy for /u/shallow-


'No time and date shall mark this grave -
I've passed, like all before.
I've watched the lonely, final wave
Ascend this sinking shore.

'My clock has ticked its final tock -
What lies beyond the sea?...
I hope its porn and throbbing cock;
If not - it's not for me.'

What is something that you do daily that is socially unacceptable? by calvinswaggin AskReddit

[–]Poem_for_your_sprog 1592 points1593 points ago

'A tissue's fine - if you've the time,
And preference, I suppose -
But as for mine, a hand's sublime
To root around the nose.

For chips and strips and bogey bits,
A finger's where it ends.
For scoops and dips, a finger fits...
As God intended, friends.'

What do you most want to be invented in your lifetime? by NiceResumein AskReddit

[–]Poem_for_your_sprog 1103 points1104 points agox2

Though some of this may pass and end
When all my days are gone;
Though fate is what it is, my friend,
And time moves ever on -

I'll live; I'll love; I'll be the man
I am, no matter what -
And I will be the best I can...
For all the time I've got.

What is the biggest lie in human history? by shieldvexorin AskReddit

[–]Poem_for_your_sprog 1308 points1309 points ago

'So listen, right - I've found these plates, you see.
An angel showed me where they lay,
In eighteen-twenty-three.
They're scribed in solid gold, I'll have you know -
In language learned and lost some day
From very long ago.

And that's not all - I found a magic stone!
A rock, that is, that shows the truth
To me... and me alone.
I place it in a hat, and put it on -
And then I face the plates, forsooth,
And all confusion's gone!

So listen, right, these plates, they kinda say -
You owe a tithe; He needs his cut,
And babe, you gotta pay.
What's that, you say? A charlatan? A hack!?
You want the plates? I'd love to, but...
The angel took them back.'

What are you currently obsessed with? by mmm_donutsin AskReddit

[–]Poem_for_your_sprog 1116 points1117 points ago

'I'd never lie.

I know a guy
Who's cousin's ten feet tall -
And that's the truth! I wouldn't lie -
I wouldn't lie at all.

'I've sailed the stars, and met the queen.
I've travelled through the Earth -
And that's the truth! It's true, I mean,
And true, for what it's worth.

'I've fought a god, and found the wheel.
I've super second-sight -
And that's the truth! It's really real,
And... fake.

But awesome, right?'


What is the fastest and easiest way you've ever made money? by jesuisjpaynein AskReddit

[–]Poem_for_your_sprog 788 points789 points ago

There I wandered, poor and waiting,
Lost in thought and contemplating
Childish life while sadly rating
Games I'd never own -

Whereupon I saw in wonder
Someone's foolish, pricey blunder -
Rolls of twenties fallen under
Shelves - and left, unknown!

So it was I pondered, sighing,
All the games that I'd be buying -
Till I came across her crying,
Sad - and gave a groan.

'Yours?' I asked, with conscience burning;
'Yes,' she smiled, the truth discerning...
'Sucks for you!' I said and turning,
Left her there alone.

What's a simple task that makes you nervous? by Bluntbowsin AskReddit

[–]Poem_for_your_sprog 1079 points1080 points ago

'Ah yes, hello - we see you've planned-'
('I'm sorry - who is this?')
'- a flight to Prague from London and-'
('Excuse me? Pardon? Miss?')
'- were wondering if you had thought-'
('Just wait a second. I'm...')
'- of covered health, as well you ought-'
('... not sure I have the time.')
'- We offer, at a cut-rate fee-'
('Just listen for a bit!')
'- a value deal, and all agree-'
('Be silent! Stop it! Quit!')
'-there's not a fairer price around-'
('I really have to go.')
'- nor better buy or package found-'
'- Oh.'

Redditors who've walked in on your partner or SO cheating: How did you react in that moment? by Suddenbrainin AskReddit

[–]Poem_for_your_sprog 1852 points1853 points ago

'I'm here!' I said, and pushed the door,
With roses picked and plucked for her -
That dropped beside the bedroom floor,
Forgotten fast... for there they were.

They groped and rolled and squeezed and rode,
All rosy-cheeked, with groans and sighs,
That peaked and paled, or sped and slowed
To muffled moans, or cheerful cries.

'The fuck?' I spoke, and shook my head,
To purge that image, crystal-clear.
She stopped. She saw. She smiled and said...
'This isn't what it looks like, dear.'

What's the most unintentionally creepy thing you've ever said? by mindputteein AskReddit

[–]Poem_for_your_sprog 1792 points1793 points ago

'I wish!' I cried, with hearty cheer -
And not a moment's thought.
His eyes were wide in sudden fear,
And turned away, distraught.

With flustered smile and nervous nod,
I said: 'I mean to say -
That came out wrong, and sounded odd -
But, no - and anyway...

'I didn't mean... cos that's a crime...'
My words diminished quick.
He glanced behind a final time,
And said: 'Get help - you're sick.'

Teachers of Reddit, how easy it to tell if a student has a crush on another? And what is the funniest/saddest moment between the two you can share? by fleebur_flabberin AskReddit

[–]Poem_for_your_sprog 1894 points1895 points ago

Beneath a summer's sky above,
Of seamless, perfect blue -
He offered up his endless love
In pledges, sweet and true.

'I never thought the day was near,
And yet - I must decline.
You've got your dreams; your future, dear -
And darling, I've got mine.'

Without a word, he dropped his head,
And stood from off his knee -
'In time you'll understand,' I said;
'It isn't you - it's me.'

In place of tender, solemn vow,
I gave a hand to hold -
'My life's a little weird right now,
And you... you're four years old.'


[–]Poem_for_your_sprog 1685 points1686 points ago

'Twas midnight and the house was still
And quiet as the grave -
I wandered down the hall until,
In sudden sweat, and feeling ill,
I felt a fleeting, frozen chill
That rode upon a wave.

And there - beside my bedroom door
In PJ's, barely robed -
I slipped to where I'd been before;
A seamless seven feet or more.
My thoughts were thick.

My ass was sore.

I felt a little... probed.

What statement, when said, makes you want to scream "BULLSHIT!" every time you hear it? by Ziggle_Zagglein AskReddit

[–]Poem_for_your_sprog 1196 points1197 points ago

'If herd-immunity protects,
And polio's wiped out -
Why risk the deadly side-effects
I've heard so much about?

I don't need 'facts' or 'figures' tall,
Nor 'truths' you might bestow -
'Cos Dr. Wakefield taught me all
I really need to know.

I know what's real - it's all a hoax.
They'll make our children sick.
I'm Jenny Ann McCarthy, folks...
And I'm a fucking prick.'

What's one thing that someone does that just screams "I'm a douchebag"? by BigG123in AskReddit

[–]Poem_for_your_sprog 1572 points1573 points ago

'To those who shrug and drive about
In tipsy, addled-afterglow,
Dismissing thoughts for others out -
There's only this I'd have you know:

If you should feel an ounce of pride
That drunken-driving isn't hard -
Remember, friend, that deep inside
In place of care, you've self-regard.

If driving home's your chief concern
When stumbling out a club or bar -
I hope to god you crash and burn...
Just not inside a fucking car.'

Hey this is Snoop and I wanna be real for a minute and give my fam something special!!! by Here_Comes_The_Kingin Music

[–]Poem_for_your_sprog 2822 points2823 points ago

'In college and drinkin', dee oh double-gee,
I lay with a lady of fine pedigree -
The music was playin', conveyin' a sound;
We slept as the party was ragin' around!

I dreamt of the music, and woke up at three,
A little bit dizzy - and covered in pee.
My woman was waitin', prepared to be shunned -
Her eyes were wide-open; her face fuckin' stunned.

'I'm sorry!' she cried (from her pee puddle pool) -
'Whizizzle, my nizzle - forget it, we cool!
You hungry for pizza? I'm telling you, please,
I'm bakin' and achin' for bacon and cheese!'

She didn't say nothin', but broke out a smile -
Whatever it was, and whatever it is -
That's romance, fo' shizzle... and love at first pizz.'

If Reddit hosted its own Olympics, what event would you participate in? by OverusedKleenexin AskReddit

[–]Poem_for_your_sprog 1039 points1040 points ago

'A super set! A stunning flip!
An awe-inspiring, perfect tip!
A fine phantasmagoria
Of hat-inclined euphoria!

Oh Steve, I've never seen a form
So set apart from all the norm!
The judges gave a perfect ten -
But will we see its like again?'

The crowd was still. He turned his head.
'Well, who can say?' the other said.
'But since he's come from reddit, Phil...
I'm pretty fucking sure we will.'

Police officers of Reddit, what are common knee jerk reactions when people notice you're there? by Dudethulhuin AskReddit

[–]Poem_for_your_sprog 1033 points1034 points ago

'Go on - a little faster, friend.
I'll even close my eyes.
It's fine, you know, for in the end,
We're both just normal guys.

I wouldn't pull you up for that!
I'd never be so cruel.
Relax, and take it easy - chat...

Frugal redditors, what is the one tip you would give people to quickly and easily start spending less money? by readysteadyjediin AskReddit

[–]Poem_for_your_sprog 813 points814 points ago

'If life's a blaze of lavish days
You all too oft regret -
Of fleeting thrills and spending ways
That leave you lost in debt:
Just make a change, and buck the trend -
Don't wait for magic beans!
There's plenty you can do, my friend,
To live within your means!

Step One: prepare your meals yourself,
For dearest, I've no doubt -
It's cheaper living off the shelf,
Than always eating out!
Step Two: if there's an option, stroll,
And leave the car behind!
It's really better, on the whole,
For health, and peace of mind!

Step Three: pay cash, and don't forget -
On cash you must depend!
It's hard to find yourself in debt
When nothing's left to spend!
Step Fou-... you want some real estate?!

You'd better get a gun.

Go rob a bank - cos tips are great...
But simpler rhymed than done.'

What would be D&D-like Skill Sets for the Nationalities of the world? by rogeliusin AskReddit

[–]Poem_for_your_sprog 359 points360 points ago

'When half a ton of terms are tossed
And turned with banter, fast and free -
In eloquence, I'm rather lost
To synonyms and repartee.

A convoluted sentence wrought
In tangled talk, from clause to clause,
Is apt to leave me lost in thought,
Or make this simple redneck pause.

And so it is, I've always found
When words are hard, it's often true -
Should conversation run aground...
A cry of 'MURICA!' will do.'

If you never had to worry about money, how would you spend your time? by Qliciousin AskReddit

[–]Poem_for_your_sprog 1330 points1331 points agox2

If life's a blend of baths and beds,
And messy clothes besides -
Of dinner times, and bumps on heads
From playground swings and slides -

If life's a mix of trips we've planned
And pondered, for a while -
Of books and walking hand in hand,
And waking to a smile -

There's not a thing that I'd prefer,
And life is full indeed.
If I can spend my days with her...
I've everything I need.