Jaime Lannister vs. Cthulhu, written by George R.R. MartinS

While the rest of us have been trying to figure out who will win the NCAA Championship, or what's the worst scifi movie of all time, A Song of Ice and Fire author George R.R. Martin has been occupied with much weightier matters, like who would win in a fight between Jaime Lannister and the cosmic horror Cthulhu?

Some spoilers.

Suvudu has been celebrating March Madness by pitting different genre characters against one another and asking readers to vote on which character would win in a cage match. (Edit: Apparently, this piece is a couple of years old. It's still amazing.) They offered their take on the on the Jaime/Cthulhu match-up, but Martin has a very different view on how it would go down, with Jaime getting a little help from his brother Tyrion:

"Books?" Jaime said. "How can books help me in a fight?"

"They can tell you more about this thing you're fighting." Tyrion dumped the dusty tomes down on the table.

"Cthulhu," said Jaime. "It sounds like the noise old men make when they're bringing up phelgm." He rummaged through the books with his good hand. They had odd titles, in languages he did not know, though he was not surprised his brother did. "Abdul Alhazared," he pronounced, leafing through a few pages. "This is written in gibberish. What tongue is this?"

"A fair question," said Tyrion, "to which I have no answer. That comes from the shadowlands beyond Asshai. But here, look at this. It is a translation of a translation of a translation, I understand." The dwarf flipped through the pages, until he found the one he wanted. "And there are illuminations. Here. This is Cthulhu."

Jaime stared. "That?"


"It's as big as Casterly Rock."

"Bigger. If Casterly Rock fell on its head it might not even notice."

"Seven bloody hells." Even if he still had two good hands, Jaime Lannister was not certain how he was supposed to fight something like that. "Those tentacles... this thing looks as though it just ate twenty giant krakens, but hasn't quite finished swallowing them yet." He sat down, and began turning pages. "Maybe if I had a dragon... "

"Maybe if you had a hundred dragons." Tyrion sat cross-legged on his stool and began rummaging through another book, called Mysteries of the Worm.
"Read. I'll do the same. You haven't much time."

"I suppose not," Jaime admitted. "What am I looking for?"


Jaime looked at the picture of Cthulhu again. "It has eyes," he said. "A vulnerable point, perhaps. A spear through the eye will kill a dragon." How could he reach the eyes, though? The thing was taller than the Wall. "A rope and a grapnel... I could scale the damned thing, as if it were a mountain... but I'd need too good hands to pull myself up..." He did not have two good hands.

"You could have twenty good hands," said Tyrion. He did not even look up from his book. "The tentacles would catch you and pull you apart like a wishbone." He turned another page. "You had best start reading, if you ever want to fuck our sweet sister again."

Jaime started reading. It was not at all his favorite pastime, but he saw his little brother's point.

You can read the rest on Martin's LiveJournal. Of course, if you'd rather have a peek at some canonical Game of Thrones, here's Martin reading from The Winds of Winter (at 30:31, assume spoilers):

[George R.R. Martin's LiveJournal via reddit]