Sunday 16 March 2014

Hi, I've got a good clear danger signal

Yup, oh hi, yup. I'm good, yeah. Sorry, you say this latest panel of experts has just decided there is no evidence linking mobile phones to cancer and other health problems? Great. Can you just hang on a minute?

That's better. Can you still hear me? That was me rolling down a railway embankment a bit faster than I expected and I hit this tree stump at the bottom. Anyway, I hunched into a ball, the way you're supposed to, so there's no damage to the Nokia. You just rang me as I was sitting on the 9.16 and there was no way I was going to say "I'm on the train". Cliche or what? So I jumped out. Misjudged the speed of the train. I'm in a ditch, so I hope the signal is OK.

Great news about the health problems thing. We ought to meet up and celebrate. Ouch. Sorry, my ankle is sort of folded under my body in a peculiar way. I'm just going to roll over if I can. Say 'gain? No, there's not all that much blood. Not sure where it's coming from. Yeah, I'm good.

Have you heard from Clive? I'm worried about him. No, I said I'm worried about him. I texted him to warn him that Nick was looking for him, vowing to kill him. It seems he sent someone an unflattering picture message of Nick's girlfriend.

Clive had this fantastic new Panasonic. State of the art. Really tiny. Then he swallowed it by mistake. In that new Italian place, Alberto's. It's a bit dark there and anyway he mistook the Panasonic for a raviolo and ate it.

Are you getting this? The problem is, he hasn't seen my text message because it's in his stomach. Sorry, I can't talk any louder because there's this bull thing staring at me and it's making me self-conscious. Did you get the last bit? Obviously, we've got to let nature and Clive's digestive system take their course before Clive gets my text message. I'm afraid Nick might get to him first.

Say 'gain? No, I can't call up Caroline and get her to warn him. Didn't you hear? She got a new ringtone for her phone. Very discreet - cooing doves effect. Then a farmer shot her. What was that? Yeah, it was sad. Easy mistake to make. Yeah, dead. You might as well delete her from your stored numbers.

It was a terrible shock when I heard about it. I got the call from Mike when I was in All Bar One. I ran out into the street so I could have a bit of privacy and I was knocked down by a BT van. So it was a double shock, really. What was that? No, not too bad - just a couple of cracked ribs. Sorry, I thought you meant me. No, the phone's fine. These Nokias are tough cookies. Sorry, I can't speak up. There are three bulls now. Or heifers, or steers. Whatever. They're staring.

Dumped you? Who, Barbara? Just because you've rung her five times and her phone is always switched off doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't love you any more. Maybe she's still in Casualty and she has had to switch it off because it interferes with the X-rays and stuff. It's her eye. She was charging up her Samsung and she tripped over the wire, fell on top of her new DAB digital radio and the aerial stuck straight in her eye. They're fantastic. Really clear and you can get all these amazing channels. You really ought to.

The reason I'm whispering is that I'm walking past these staring bulls. Well, limping. Do they get enraged if they smell blood? Like crocodiles and things? There's a tree here and I'm going to climb it because I think I'll get a better signal up there. Then you can tell me properly about this report on mobiles and health.

Just while I climb, I'm gripping my phone between my teeth, so phrerrg I wnt snd vry dstnct fr a bt. Thts bttr. Nrly ther. Grrrung. Jst abt. Ah, I've made it. Phone's a bit damp, but the signal's better. There's a lovely view from up here. Can you hear me OK? I'm just going to edge my way a little bit further along this branch, very carefully . . .

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