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Why won't he orgasm?

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prepbeautii asks:

Every time I try to make my boyfriend ejaculate (whether it be a hand job or head) he never does. I have done it for up to 10 minutes constantly, and he never ejaculates. Am I doing something wrong, and what can I do to fix it?

Sarah replies:

I wouldn't say you're probably doing anything "wrong" here per say. Unless something is causing pain or injury or simply isn't wanted, it's not really fair to characterize it as "wrong."

Have you asked your partner what he likes? If not, then I'd start there. Sure, you could go get a book or a magazine or look up all sorts of fancy techniques, but there's no guarantee that any of that would work with your individual partner. There's no magic technique that makes everybody go crazy. Instead, it's much better and more useful to ask your partner what it is that he likes. Everyone has individual preferences and tastes and it's just more effective to find out what those are.

Beyond that, remember that orgasm is neither the "holy grail" nor is it generally as straightforward as pulling on X or pushing on Y. Orgasm is something that is in both mind and body. Just doing something with somebody's body if their mind is not on the same "track" so to speak probably won't get them there. If your partner is stress, worried, or just isn't "in the moment," that could have have something to do with it as well.

So your best bet here is two-fold. First off, don't worry about orgasm so much. Instead, focus on the whole experience. Both you and your partner should enjoy yourselves. If orgasm happens then it happens, if not, then don't stress. And secondly, you should ask your partner what sort of stimulation he likes and take your cues (as far as you are also comfortable with it) from him.

You may also want to take a look at Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide.

written 03 Nov 2007 . updated 03 Nov 2007
