Just saying..

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the other woman - is my SIL

Comments (176)

Posted 12/29/2012

The money he is spending on his deadbeat family is money that won't be spent on sending your child to college.

Think about that.


"Does he have a magic pickle that makes you want to douse your relationship in vinegar?" -- mainemamma1

Posted 12/29/2012

Morbid, but OP check and make sure you are the benefactor in all life insurance and other policies on your DH. And run a credit check and make sure he doesn't have his (or your) name on any other's homes or other holdings. And make sure that YOUR name is on your home and other holdings. Heaven forbid the worse happens and you get kicked out your home because it actually is owned by your mil or sil and they live the high life because the life insurance paid out to them.


Babies seem to be the chauffeurs to crazy town-Maggie_Mahem

Don't forget to kegal! 

Posted 12/29/2012

I am a SAHM. DH is the only one bringing in money. I make ALL financial decisions.

DH acknowledges that he sucks with money and if it were up to him he would take his pay and spend it on toys and crap we don't need and we would have no house or food or anything.

So I make all decisions. He will sometimes give me his opinion, but I am generally the final say. This works for us. 

I haven't brought home a paycheck in almost 4 years. DH doesn't give a shit. Why? Because he goes to work to earn money for our family. Not for HIM.


Don't get me wrong. DH does get some money that he can play with. I'm not holding him captive without any money at all, but he seriously has a spending problem and knows it.




Posted 12/29/2012
I'm pretty confident that he would take care of me. I think the issue is that I would have less say in the family decisions of I wasn't contributing financially. That is something I'm aware of and am doing everything I can to keep my positions.

That is the saddest statement!  You have very little say right now in how your money is spent and you would have less if you were not bringing in an income. 
This is not a true marriage IMO.  You are not two who have become one.  You are a man who has a roommate with benefits that not only includes sex but two spare incomes for him to spend as he wishes.
ITA with Orchid's assessment of him gaslighting you with the "you don't know what family is like" comments.  I also agree that you need to do some serious credit checks.  Get your financial house in order.  Make sure your name is on everything there is.  Make sure that your MIL/SIL/BIL are on NOTHING.  What about the house that you are paying a mortgage on for MIL?  Whose name is that in?    Also Life insurance, pension, 401K, IRA, etc beneficiaries all need to be you and you alone until LO is born and then it is you and then LO with a trust set up should something happen to you. 
I truly believe that every child is a blessing but boy I wish that you would have waited until you had your marriage and financial accounting in order before getting pregnant. 

A soft place to land?  Come join us!

Posted 12/29/2012

BTW - I am a SAHM.  I am an RN who brought in good money until we had children and then DH and I decided that we wanted to raise our children with one parent available in the home at all times.  We made that decision together as a team.  I still make as much if not more of the money decisions.  He researches the investment stuff more than I do, but we discuss it at length and then I read up on what we want to do - then we make decisions together. 

That is how a marriage is supposed to work.


A soft place to land?  Come join us!

Posted 12/29/2012

"I'm pretty confident that he would take care of me."

Pretty confident?  PRETTY confident?!  I have my in-law issues, but I KNOW - ABSOLUTELY without a doubt that my husband would take care of me.  If you aren't 100% sure, that is a major red-flag.  Sad to say, I don't think he would, either.

And this bullshit about you having less decision making power if you weren't working?  You have ZERO power now, my friend, and you are earning approx 1/2 the money!  He just tells you it's going to his family, and it does - including YOUR hard earned dosh!

There are many types of abuse, OP.  Your DH (not DuH, knows just what he's doing) is an emotional abuser (you just don't get "family" because all of yours are dead - fuck he's a prince), a gaslighter (see previous example) and a financial abuser (gives away the money you earn from working two jobs).

Unless he does a complete 180 and stops giving them money AT ONCE, this relationship cannot work.  The first thing you need to do is to have your earnings paid into an account that he cannot touch.  THEN negotiate from there.  But there would not be one further payday in which he had access to my money.

ITA with PPs - check out your own credit and his, to see what he's (and possibly YOU) cosigned for them.  Check whose names YOUR house is in.  Ensure that you are on there, and that his family are not.  Find out what life insurance he has.  Are you the beneficiary?  Or his family?  He should not be paying for any life insurance in which you are not named 100% beneficiary.

Another risk is that he is using all these gifts to family to hide funnelling of his money (AND YOURS!!!) to secret bank accounts that you would not know of if/when you divorce. 

This is where a lawyer and a forensic accountant come into play.  Get both.

Last edited 12/29/2012

I'm a SAHM who has not worked a single day of our 8.5 year marriage.  We decided I wouldn't work the first year so we could focus on learning how to be married (dh is military and was gone a LOT the first year - any time off he had I spent 24/7 with him).  After that first year was up, my dh asked me to not go to work.  We enjoyed being able to spend his days off together (never regular or predictable hours) and he was "making" more money with me managing it than he had ever made before - and it was the same he had always made.

I manage our finances 100%.  DH doesn't even know how much money he makes and isn't really sure how much our bills are.  He trusts me 100%.  I can buy all the Polish Pottery I want to (my addiction) as far as he is concerned, but he knows I don't because I'm very careful and prudent with our money.  He asks permission to buy something he wants.  Not because I'm "the boss", but because he knows I know if we can afford it or not. 

Notice I said "our" money though I've not earned one single cent of that money EVER. 


Posted 12/29/2012

I'm stuck on the fact that, in order to have equal say in your marriage, you have to bring in about equal money... yet you don't have a say now, and are bringing in money. And people who aren't even IN your marriage, and bring nothing into it have more say than you do... What's the point of a marriage then?



Me: ENFP '01 & '10 DH:INTJ
yrs ~ '12:DS:23mos
Platinum^( o Y o )^Platinum+

You really should call her 'Mummy' not 'Big Milk Thing.'

Posted 12/29/2012
It soundsas if you have a good job and a lot of responsibility. Are you agraid of being alone. I am surprised at your complacency. I always pictured women on boards or who ran companies to be tough straight forward people.
Posted 12/29/2012
OP I second using a forensic accountant. Talk to a lawyer too. You better have a fantastic retirement fund. You can make millions but still be broke due to a leech problem.

Divorce divorce divorce with your CS coming directly outta his check.

So who is watching LO while you both work? Please tell me graaaaandma isn't moving in. If you're on the board get a nanny and set up a playroom at your office for real. None of his family should be daycare!!!!!

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