Is sex becoming such a chore that you have to plan for?

Is sex becoming such a chore that you have to plan for? (Ulrich Baumgarten via Getty Images)

Q: I love my boyfriend, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but our sex situation might be ruining our relationship. When we started dating three years ago, we enjoyed sex quite a bit. After a year it slowed down. Now we have sex only every four or five days. He is always making little comments about wanting sex and will try to initiate things, but I'm not turned on anymore.

I feel like I have to spend a whole week mentally preparing myself to have sex, and even then, it sometimes doesn't work. Part of me thinks it's because we are both overweight and I feel like neither of us is "sexy" enough to actually have sex.

Another part of me feels like sex is a waste of my time. I work full -time and go to school full -time. Why would I want to spend my free time having sex? Is there something wrong with me or my relationship as a whole?

A: My first question is: Do you have orgasms when you have sex? If not, then of course sex might seem like a waste of time, and in that case you'd need to learn to have orgasms with your boyfriend.

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If you do orgasm when you two have sex, then I would tell you to engage in sex more often and see what happens. I understand the need to prepare yourself, but it seems you are so busy that you don't have the time to be prepared. But maybe if you allow yourself to be open to having sex, you'll get aroused when doing so, even without all that preparation.

But even if that doesn't happen every time, it would be worth having sex anyway, if for no other reason than you'd be offering your boyfriend sexual release. But hopefully you would become aroused, too, if only every other time, and so the two of you would end up with a more active sex life, which is important to a relationship.

Q: Does menopause in women make us lose our sex drive? I will be 50 in one month, and I have a high sex drive, but lately I find myself just not interested in sex as much as I was two months ago. Can you please help me with this?

A: Menopause has various effects, some physical and some psychological, and since they affect each woman differently, it's impossible to give you a hard and fast answer. My suggestion is to keep in mind that many women find that sex actually becomes better after menopause, and tell yourself that you're going to join that group. Hopefully by putting yourself in the right frame of mind, you'll make it a self-fulfilling prophecy.

If you really have problems with sex as time goes on, then I would tell you to speak to your gynecologist. Also, be aware that with menopause will come the need to use lubrication during intercourse. Obviously, if sex causes pain, you're not going to want to engage in it, so make sure you always use lubrication so that vaginal pain doesn't become part of the problem.

Q: I have had sexual difficulties since age 26. Operations caused various problems with erections. It is now 20 years later (I'm 46). Natural aging and hormone reduction are making it worse.

I am so tired of coping. I am tired of using techniques to cope with the physical inadequacies. Neither erection nor orgasm is guaranteed. An orgasm is much less pleasurable. Morning erections are not there, or are much softer.

Needless to say, relationships have always been problematic. What woman wants a man with these problems? The urology department has not been able to solve them. Any ideas?

A: You can get a penile implant that will allow you to have an erection simply by pushing on a pump a few times. Understand that this does not give you desire, but neither do pills like Viagra. It is a relatively simple surgery, and while it's true that you'd have to explain it to a woman, most women would be understanding, especially older women. So ask your urologist about this possibility. I'm not saying that you should do it, only that you should explore the possibilities.

Q: My girlfriend wants to know why my testicles hang down when we go a long time without sex. I thought it was to increase sperm levels.

A: A man's testicles need to be cool in order to maintain the quality of the sperm. Since the average body temperature is 98.6 degrees, the testicles hang down, away from the body, in a sac to remain cool.

However, if the temperature of the air gets too cool, the testicles get closer to the body so that they don't get too cold. It has nothing to do with how long it has been since you had sex.


Distributed by King Features Syndicate