A cool Radio 4? What a turn-off

I tried to welcome the BBC Trust's new ideas for the station. But, actually, it's glorious just as it is

Hurray! Radio 4 is to get younger, cooler, more regional, more "ethnic" and totally different in every way. I'm delighted.

Rubbish old Radio 4. Useless Today programme. Boring I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue. Ghastly News Quiz, loathsome Midweek, pitiful History of the World in 100 Objects. What an absolute carafe of toss. The entire thing needs a wholesale transformation.

That is what I am determined to think. On hearing the news that a BBC Trust report has insisted Radio 4 must become more appealing to young people, northerners and "those from black and minority ethnic backgrounds", it is too easy (whether you fall into one of these groups or not) to groan and thump the walls in annoyance. It's too obvious to roll around on the floor shouting: "Misjudged, dangerous, patronising codswallop!"

I hate thinking the obvious. That's partly because I'm contrary by nature, partly because, when I do think the obvious, I usually decide I'm wrong later anyway. It is always good to challenge your first instincts; if nothing else, it saves a lot of domestic rows. Mull it over awhile and you're invariably less angry than you thought you were.

So, I tried to welcome this news. I started by asking myself: is Radio 4 too heavily designed for middle-aged, middle-class middle England? Is it too geared towards the tastes of white, university-educated residents of Buckinghamshire?

My instincts shouted: "No! That's ridiculous! It's like arguing that Troilus and Criseyde is too geared towards the tastes of the Plantagenet court of Richard II!" (And if you enjoyed that sentence, you'll love Radio 4.)

The station has, in fact, a broad and urban flavour. Just now, I switched it on to find Cheryl Cole, Jay-Z and Hulk Hogan engaged in a rap showdown. I'm joking. It was The Archers. As usual.

You might say: so what? Do we need to relate directly in order to find something interesting? Few of us are familiar with the intricacies of the Devonshire hotel business, but we usually manage to sit through Fawlty Towers. Why should it be assumed that an intelligent, highbrow radio station holds no attraction for young people, Geordies or folk of Chinese extraction? Isn't that suggestion… like… appalling?

But come come, let's not play Hunt the Bigot. After all, when it comes to working out what a mixed audience wants to hear, to whom would we defer if not the middle-aged white people who make up the BBC Trust?

Thus, I actively look forward to a new Radio 4 schedule, with all the programmes redesigned to reflect what the average BBC producer thinks a black teenager from Gateshead can probably relate to.

The Moral Maze: How many iPods is too many?
Woman's Hour: How to get that ho in line.
Money Box: What to do with that fiver what you stole.
You and Yours: F*** 'em. (This message will be broadcast unedited after 9pm. )

Gah, no, I can't keep it up. Sometimes, the obvious reaction is the right one: leave Radio 4 alone! Ten million people love it the way it is. Who says the non-listeners want to be chased? They never said so. The British – old or young, black or white, urban or rural – are quite laissez-faire about other people's interests. I have yet to hear a single roar of disapproval, outside official BBC documents, that your man in Buckinghamshire has found a radio station he likes.

However hard I struggle to welcome the BBC Trust ideas, that is what I keep coming back to: nobody in the real world has expressed a desire for Radio 4 to change. Those who listen want it to stay the same. Those who don't, don't care what it does.

Altering the spirit of Radio 4, then, is one of those strange things of which absolutely nobody is in favour. Like post office closures, or bankers' bonuses, or noisy trailers shouting over the closing credits of the TV programme that's just finished. Nobody wants these things. Nobody at all. How is it that they happen anyway?

Looking at the Trust report, many of the recommendations involve promoting the existing station to some of these under-represented groups. That's fine. That's a good idea. Maybe there are people missing out on the glory of Radio 4 simply because they don't know it's there. But for heaven's sake, leave the glory intact and just point them towards it.

Since the report was published, there has been a howl of terrified rage from those who enjoy Radio 4 already and an unexcited silence from those who don't. We can only hope the BBC is tuned in and listening.

It's make-up time, Russell

It has been reported that newly-weds Russell Brand and Katy Perry have hit a rocky patch, after the comedian took a photo of his wife without make-up, first thing in the morning, and published it on Twitter.

The picture – which was put up and taken down rather hurriedly, indeed as though a breakfast fork had been plunged into a tweeting hand – is certainly not flattering. But what a classic understanding gap between a man and a woman.

I can imagine Brand's tweet coming from a place of pure husbandly love. He probably thought she looked sweet: confused, tousled, half-awake, like a grumpy little kid. "Awwwww," he probably thought, as he showed it to the world.

She, however, overwhelmed by embarrassment at the sight of this grim snap displayed before all and sundry, would feel it as an act of malevolence. What kind of bastard would humiliate his wife like that? Cruel, spiteful, practically an assault!

One never knows with tabloid gossip, but something rings true about such an incident causing a serious fissure. Men and women are… see how cleverly I get to the end of the page without naming any planets.