Second Test, day one

Over-by-over: afternoon session

England 222-2

Preamble Hello, and welcome to my world. In it, England are 91 for two at lunch on the first day of the second Test against West Indies. I didn't see much of the morning session as I was pretty busy doing my day job as Paul Doyle's intellectual fluffer, but I know that Andrew Strauss's Test place got a bit more precarious when he played a sickening shot on 15, that Alastair Cook (42) again looked the part before being nailed LBW by the last ball before lunch, and that Michael Vaughan (25*) mixed majestic, 2002 Ashes shots with nervy, 2007 World Cup prods. His innings was something's of a curate's apple. It's a pretty good pitch, it says here, and I fancy Vaughan and the inevitable Kevin Pietersen to take the initiative this afternoon as we count down the hours before we can make our way to Friday Fun School.

There's an inclination to think of Headingley as still being a bowler-friendly pitch, but time has moved on. In the last five Tests here the first (team) innings scores have been: 447, 309, 628-8, 273, 342, 307, 409, 526, 515 and 538. So England should be looking at a minimum of 400.

28th over: England 96-2 (Vaughan 30, Pietersen 0) Bravo, armed with two gullies, two slips and an irrepressibly hyperactive nature, starts after lunch to Vaughan. Absolutely nothing happens, until Vaughan takes a single to backward point and ends up getting five because of a stray throw from Ganga and the lack of a man backing up. Criminal ineptitude. "What makes those stats even more difficult to believe is that half of them were scored by England?" chuckles Anthony Pease because, of course, England are really crap and not at all the second-best Test team in the world.

29th over: England 100-2 (Vaughan 34, Pietersen 0) Collymore starts with an absolute peach to Vaughan, which moved away just enough off the seam to beat the outside edge. If he wasn't bowling at 24mph he'd be seriously dangerous. And if he didn't mix jaffas with filth: later in the over he is short and on leg stump, and Vaughan just tucks it through midwicket for four with the minimum of fuss. "It's the great Gary Naylor's birthday today," all-together-nows Andy Bradshaw. That sounds like a good enough excuse to me: Farringdon JD Wetherspoons from 5.30, all welcome, especially if you're female and uncomfortable in your own skin. I'll be the one crying into a bottle of Zywiec.

30th over: England 107-2 (Vaughan 34, Pietersen 4) Pietersen tucks Bravo to the fine-leg fence to get off the mark, but he almost goes next ball: drawn outside off stump by a tempting awayswinger, he snicked a drive just short of fourth slip. "Who are you plumping for?" says Chris Bull. "Baggies or Rams?" My love life isn't that bad ye- oh you're talking about the play-offs?

31st over: England 111-2 (Vaughan 37, Pietersen 5) Four from Collymore's over. Pietersen is playing himself in at his own pace, as he is wont to to do these days. "Are you really Wetherspooning it tonight?" says Eleanor Ward. Errrr, no: seven visits to that hovel this week is seven too many, so we'll be drinking in Trendy Media Gastropub just up the road.

32nd over: England 113-2 (Vaughan 39, Pietersen 5) You know how, when England play Australia, they (rightly) say that they can't afford a single bad mini-session or they'll lose the match LIKE THEY EFFING WELL DID IN ADELAIDE LAST DECEMBER DON'T YOU THINK I'VE FORGOTTEN KP YOU %$?!)£(*. Against this shower you can afford about 10, and as a consequence the game is seriously low on intensity. Just two from that Bravo's over, steered to third man by Vaughan with the aid of a pathetic piece of fielding from yer man. You know who I mean. Yeah him. That's the one. Yes I am still waiting for Cricinfo to say who I was so I could interpret their comments accordingly. "Afternoon," says Owen Wilson. "Just wanted to find out if I was the only person in England who isn't completely mired in post-Ashes/World Cup pessimism?" You are, but I just loved you in Bottle Rocket.

33rd over: England 115-2 (Vaughan 39, Pietersen 7) Pietersen works Collymore to leg for a couple in another quiet over: he has 7 from 16 balls. "I work near to Headingley stadium, and was wondering would it be worth me leaving early to try and get into the ground," says Alex Warwick. "Or, like Liverpool fans, should I just charge my way in and blame Platini when I get thrown out."

34th over: England 120-2 (Vaughan 44, Pietersen 7) Cracking shot from Vaughan, who leans into a slightly wider delivery from Bravo and laces it through the covers for four. Bravo then has a biggish shout for LBW against Pietersen, but it was drifting down. A big hello to Gregg Pietersen, brother of Kevin, who hasn't written in to say hello. "Was I the only one to spot the Pink Floyd reference?" says Rowan Fuller. That's how good I am: I'm putting in references without even realizing it. Who/what is Pink Floyd? Are they in the hit parade?

35th over: England 129-2 (Vaughan 49, Pietersen 8) Another magisterial shot from Vaughan, who times a leg-stump half-volley from Collymore through midwicket for four. And we doubted this man's batting ability because ... er ... why exactly? Collymore gets a bit of a hoop later in the over but England are looking extremely comfortable at the moment. And then ... YES! Collymore bowls a no-ball and, for the first time in the series, Ian Botham utters the immortal words: "the line belongs to the umpire". YES!

36th over: England 129-2 (Vaughan 49, Pietersen 8) Powell replaces Bravo, and Pietersen continues to patiently build a Proper Test Innings. Those excitable 20s of 2005 are, like Mike Strutter's four-letter faux pas, a thing of the past. A maiden. "Did Pink Floyd really do a song called 'LIKE THEY EFFING WELL DID IN ADELAIDE LAST DECEMBER'?" says Anton Lawrence. "I don't think I remember that, but no doubt it was a classic..." Apparently it made people want to run naked down Oxford Street.

37th over: England 130-2 (Vaughan 50, Pietersen 8) That's fifty for Vaughan, his first in Tests this Millennium, and he brings it up courtesy of a misfield at mid-off. He's played nicely after a sketchy start, with seven fours and 94 balls. It's good to have him back because, let's be honest, this England batting line-up isn't exactly big on aesthetics. "My birthday cover has been blown by Andy Bradshaw (29th over)," says Gary Naylor. "Were Astrology a science, my life would parallel that of Mike Myers. He is a very successful Hollywood actor who gets to work with Madonna and Beyonce. I am a moderately successful OBO e-mailer who gets to write to Rob Smyth. Nuff said." I don't know what birthday you're celebrating, Mr Naylor, but surely you're at an age which precludes the use of the phrase 'nuff said'?

38th over: England 130-2 (Vaughan 50, Pietersen 8) It's still, in truth, pretty boring at the moment - that's a maiden from Powell to Vaughan, and I was just about to drift off when Doyle kindly applied cattle prod to nether regions - but as the famous saying goes, England need to walk before they can repeat the power cricket of 2004-05. They just need to win a game, any game, and then slowly start to develop the same authority they had three years ago. Life was better three years ago. There was Hoegaarden and hope. Now there's Magners and misery, Duvel and depression.

39th over: England 135-2 (Vaughan 50, Pietersen 13) Regal stuff from Pietersen, who drives Collymore to the left of mid-on for a high-class boundary, maker's name as unavoidably in your face as a flasher's dusters. He really is a batting machine these days, KP, with less of the extemporaneity and fun of two years ago but with a greater inevitability about his run-scoring. I'd be interested to see his strike-rate pre and post the 2006 Ashes. In other news, does anyone know the score from Wednesday night? I missed the game as I was washing my scalp. "I think I'm writing in saying MP Vaughan is a Salford lad," says Andrew Lingaard, "and so am I. OK it's not the most beautiful place on earth but think of the music and sporting genius!" I didn't know Sussed and Northern Uproar were from Salford.

40th over: England 142-2 (Vaughan 50, Pietersen 20) Powell drags in an apologetic short ball that Pietersen clatters over midwicket for four. Patient approach or no patient approach, he's far too good to ignore such filth. Then he gets three more with the aid of a pathetic, half-arsed dive at mid-on from Jerome Taylor. They are an absolute rabble in the field. "Duvel and depression?" sniffs Andrew Hewitt. "No, my friend; Relentless and Rebirth as a wonderful cricketing nation... ermmm, eventually."

41st over: England 147-2 (Vaughan 53, Pietersen 21) Gayle is on to bowl, which is a smart move in view of his comedy contretemps with Pietersen on Sunday - and he has Pietersen stumped off a no-ball straight away! It was smart bowling, a wider arm-ball (aren't they all?) and Pietersen was gone and forgotten, but Asad Rauf called no-ball. It was a pretty tight call, too, and Pietersen and Gayle are off with the banter again. Here's Luke Harris. "I don't know much about cricket compared the the collective oracle that is the Guardian OBO readership but I remember Vaughan getting a tad over 50 this Millenium because I was at the game: 2 Jan, 2003 - 6 Jan, 2003 5TH TEST MATCH v Australia at Sydney. ENG 2nd inns 452-9 dec. MP Vaughan 183, N Hussain 72." Should I ridicule Luke Harris, good people, or just quietly pity him?

42nd over: England 159-2 (Vaughan 61, Pietersen 21) Some leg-stump garbage from Powell scoots away for four leg-byes, and Vaughan also times a couple of twos to leg before forcing one beautifully off the back foot through the covers for four. England will get loads here, maybe 600, so it all comes down to the weather, the forecast for which is not good. "Sounds me that you are drinking the wrong drinks," says Anton Lawrence. "What about pale ale and paradise or gin and geniality?" Bleach and bliss? Paint and pleasure?

43rd over: England 161-2 (Vaughan 62, Pietersen 22) A couple of singles from that Gayle over, and no vaguely homoerotic spats. "Don't worry," says David Weston. "I am here. And I love you.
Yours, Mother."

44th over: England 172-2 (Vaughan 67, Pietersen 28) I think all the fuss about Vaughan has missed the point. He isn't just one from the bottle; he's a magnificent captain who hardened the nose and sharpened the mind of English cricket. If he can carry on doing that, and average between 35 and 40, with one decisive innings per series, he is more than worth his place. If his knee goes for good some day, so be it, but he has earned the right to be given another chance, and, as the most aesthetic English batsman many of us have ever seen, to be treated with absolute respect. And there's another belting shot, a regal swivel-pull for four off Powell. Then Pietersen clouts a stunning extra-cover drive for four. "Vaughan is striking this ball absolutely beautifully now," agrees David Gower, before collapsing his face onto a plate of egg. Powell's last two overs have gone for 23; he is bowling like a dog.

45th over: England 177-2 (Vaughan 71, Pietersen 29) These are beautiful batting conditions now and England are making hay with ones and twos against the spinner and fours and fours against the seamer. "England second-best team?" says Richard Mansell. "Come come - surely SA, and probably even NZ, are above them in reality if not ranking?" I don't think so. There is no evidence to suggest that we are inferior to anyone, at Test level, except Australia. Yet.

46th over: England 189-2 (Vaughan 76, Pietersen 36) Taylor replaces Powell but Vaughan is flying now and times two and then three to leg. Then Pietersen plays another imperious on-drive for four. Twelve from the over, and the seamers are hemorrhaging runs just now. "You don't see many people drinking meths nowadays," laments Jonny Riggall, from the grave, but still with that trademark meths smile on his face.

47th over: England 192-2 (Vaughan 77, Pietersen 38) Vaughan cocks forward and pushes Gayle to third man for a single to bring a hundred partnership of increasing authority and, indeed, entertainment. "Why do TMS persist with Viv Richards as a summariser?" says Mark Lloyd. "Is this the best example of a rubbish commentator given the job on the basis of being a great player?" Remember, the line belongs to the umpire.

48th over: England 193-2 (Vaughan 77, Pietersen 39) Bravo is back in an attempt to buy a wicket through a combination of personality, luck, and scandalously slower balls. He's definitely their premier partnership-breaker, and they need to break a partnership. Even I can do this math. Anyway, nothing doing in that over, and I'm slowly regaining the will to live. "I'm going to Headingley tomorrow with some guys whose nicknames include Loose Cannon and Murderer, although apparently Begbie can't make it," says Chris Stanley. "Are these the most worrying nicknames going or are there any OBOers out there with more disturbing ones?" Well David Weston (over 43) calls himself Mother, which is simultaneously freaking me out and, if I'm honest, providing mild erotic stimulation at this point.

49th over: England 201-2 (Vaughan 79, Pietersen 45) Pietersen clatters Gayle through the covers for three and then, later in the over, two more. It's as effortless as a loverat swaggering up to a girl in Farringdon Wetherspoons and securing her number (or getting slapped in the face before being escorted off the premises, and all because of a misunderstanding over the contemporary/classical use of the word 'tart'). "Anyone who said Vaughan should not walk back in and needs to earn his place, knows nothing about Test cricket and should move onto a sport they might be able to pretend to know about," says Jonathan Hungin, who is a total loser - probably the world's biggest since Des left Neighbours - but makes an entirely valid point here. "Test caps anyone? Test runs? Test experience? We're missing Tresco, Freddy, Hoggy, S Jones, we've won one of our last five Test series and we've just been held in the first Test, we need to simply win some matches and England simply do not have this embarrassment of riches whereby we can leave out a top-class Test bat and our best captain since Brearley. Anyway, am delighted he's ended this argument now."

50th over: England 205-2 (Vaughan 82, Pietersen 46) It's all good. "Two years ago KP was that explosive entertainer, with all the eccentricites and quirks that go with it," says Matthew Franklin. "Now he's like a cross hybrid of Ponting and Hayden - a lot more stable and consistent but still with all the same skills and power. We've finally got that batsmen we've yearned for who if he gets in, you really do feel only he can get himself out again - and what's more, at a fantastic strike rate with entertainment value to boot. Happy days." He is magnificent - our best batsman since Gooch? Boycott? - but I kind of miss the old KP, skunk, Caprice, irresponsible heaves to deep midwicket and all.

51st over: England 213-2 (Vaughan 85, Pietersen 51) Pietersen whaps an attempted yorker from Bravo through midwicket for four to bring up a 67-ball fifty of the highest class. Not since Gooch between 1990 and 1993 has there been such inevitability about an, a-hem, English batsman. "In reply to Chris Stanley (over 48)," says Geoff Maguire, "a mate of mine refers to himself (in the third person) as "The Leopard," so I will often receive emails from him simply stating 'The Leopard is thirsty and fancies a pint'!" What sort of desperate, hopeless nugget would refer to himself like thaDDYt?

52nd over: England 215-2 (Vaughan 87, Pietersen 51) There's the Bravo slower ball and, though it dupes Vaughan, his checked shot goes comfortably short of cover. Nice bowling from the admirable Bravo, though, a gentleman among nuggets in this attack.

53rd over: England 220-2 (Vaughan 91, Pietersen 52) As richly entertaining as this session has been (after the first serotonin-draining hour), it has also been far too easy. This really is a dark age of fast bowling, and back-to-back Tests and lifeless pitches sure don't help any. Vaughan, groping at Taylor's slower ball, moves into the 90s with an edge for four.

54th over: England 222-2 (Vaughan 92, Pietersen 53) Pietersen, heaving at Bravo, inside-edges one to fine leg. You have to admire Bravo; he bowls every single over of every single game as if the opposition are 180 for 8 chasing 200. He's just like me really, only with personality and talent and youth and serotonin and dignity. Ah great stuff, it's tea. England gave West Indies a doing this afternoon, scoring 131 for none from 27 overs. Vaughan played beautifully, Pietersen did what Pietersen does, and Andy Bull will be here in 20 minutes' time.

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