Top 8 Grossest Parenting Jobs

These babies. They seem so innocent, so pure and yet, the amount of disgusting work involved in parenting is mind blowing. “It’s a dirty job but someone’s gotta do it!” is something I often told myself when I picked up my baby’s pacifier from the floor, sucked off the dirt and popped it back in her mouth. It’s also what I tell myself now when I find myself cleaning a sneaker in the sink that is contaminated with dog poop. What’s up with kids’ eyesight that they can’t avoid dog crap? If it was my shoe I’d probably toss it out -but my shoes come from Payless or Target and the shoe in question wasn’t as cheap. Also, it has Spider-Man on it. The bottom line is, as a mom, there are parts of my job that I certainly don’t relish but they seem to come under my jurisdiction, so I do them.

Of course I had no clue what kinds of things I would do without blinking an eye before I had kids. I never pictured myself watching Dora let alone applying ointments to places on another person’s body that one rarely has the opportunity to see on their own body. But I do it, glad to be of service.

There are however a few things that are just not in my job description which I took the liberty of including in my non-so-comprehensive list of Gross Parenting Jobs!

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  • The Butt Sniff 1 of 8
    The Butt Sniff
    You've done it or seen it a million times - parents sniffing their babies' butts to see if they need a change. Sometimes we forget we're in the middle of a restaurant or wedding or church service and that some people, people who have never had a baby, don't understand.
  • Finger Scoop 2 of 8
    Finger Scoop
    In the same family of disgusting diaper antics is the finger scoop. This is where the parent, sensing something amiss inside of the Pamper, puts a finger in to check. If they're right, everyone loses.
  • Pee Tester 3 of 8
    Pee Tester
    I'm sad to say that this is my stage of parenting now. My four-year-olds still have a tendency to wet their pants and then put said pants (or jammies) back in the drawer like it never happened. I can either sniff them first or wait until I'm overcome with the unmistakable smell of urine.
  • Official Wiper 4 of 8
    Official Wiper
    Wow this list is becoming poop intensive. When kids are small yet potty trained, they still aren't quite able to wipe their butts in a way that completely gets the job done on their own. That's where we come in. But what's worse? Having your daughter's five-year-old friend come over, call you into the bathroom where the have "assumed the position" and asking you for "a little help please." Gross.
  • Lunch Box Investigator 5 of 8
    Lunch Box Investigator
    When you have multiple school aged children you oftentimes have lunch boxes that for one reason or another aren't emptied for a few days. This can lead to some worse discoveries than the opening scenes of Law and Order. Discoveries like moldy strawberries, rank smelling egg salad sandwiches and some things that are just unrecognizable. I've often times just thrown Tupperware containers rather than wash that mess out.
  • Placenta Eating 6 of 8
    Placenta Eating
    Okay, sure, people probably do this in other countries —countries where they don't have perfectly good breakfast items like hash browns. I have never even entertained the thought of doing something this gross but people do it. January Jones may be a star of Mad Men but I think she's now best known as "that actress who ate placenta."
  • Bird Feeder 7 of 8
    Bird Feeder
    This is a new one. I hadn't even heard of it before Alicia Silverstone paraded her National Geographic brand of parenting all over the Internet but now we're all collectively grosses out about it. I'm not saying there isn't ever a time or place for pre-chewing your child's food…okay, I guess I am saying that.
  • Booger Excavator 8 of 8
    Booger Excavator
    It starts when the kids are babies with using that snot aspirator on their tiny noses. As they get older and the boogers get crustier, they often need help to root them out. That's where we come in. It's a dirty job but someone's gotta do it.

If I’ve left any out, for God’s sake leave them in the comments. You people have been lax on commenting. Just being honest.

Want more from me on Babble? Try The Secret Shame of Raising Picky Eaters or  Have You Gone To the Parenting Dark Side?

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Diaper image courtesy of Flickr (

Lunch Box image courtesy of Flickr (Mazarine)


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