Australian Broadcasting Corporation


LOCATION: http://www.abc.net.au/7.30/content/2005/s1367446.htm

Broadcast: 12/05/2005

Clarke and Dawe and the leadership debate


KERRY O'BRIEN: And now, after an eventful Budget week in the shadow of the leadership saga, here's John Clarke and Bryan Dawe.

BRYAN DAWE: Sit down, John. Tidy yourself up. Straighten that tie. You need a haircut. Now, I've made some enquiries into this business about Peter and I found out that Peter was very upset with you and so were some of his friends.

JOHN CLARKE: Peter hasn't got any friends.

BRYAN DAWE: Yes, he does have friends. I had a whole lot of them in here this week.

JOHN CLARKE: They are ponces anyway.

BRYAN DAWE: They are not ponces, John. They are very decent chaps and one or two of them are your close friends

JOHN CLARKE: Treacherous turds.

BRYAN DAWE: They are not treacherous turds.

JOHN CLARKE: They are.

BRYAN DAWE: They are very confused by this rift between you and Peter.

JOHN CLARKE: I didn't do anything wrong. It wasn't me.

BRYAN DAWE: Now, I've spoken to your geography teacher who took you to Greece recently.

JOHN CLARKE: No, history teacher. It was a history project.

BRYAN DAWE: History, was it?

JOHN CLARKE: It was about the war.

BRYAN DAWE: Oh yeah. Which war?

JOHN CLARKE: The one the Bee Gees sang in.

BRYAN DAWE: Oh, Gallipoli.


BRYAN DAWE: You said some things over there. I've got them written down here that you must have known would upset.


BRYAN DAWE: Don't laugh. Take the smile off your face, John. It's not funny. Did you know it was Peter's birthday this week.


BRYAN DAWE: Well, I'm told you did. This was a very special week for Peter and I understand you set out to spoil it for him. Yes, you did.

JOHN CLARKE: Peter's a conceited ponce. I reckon Peter is a conceited ponce.

BRYAN DAWE: John, this isn't about whether Peter is a conceited ponce or not. Perhaps he is.


BRYAN DAWE: This is about your behaviour. Did you hear what Peter said this week? Did you?

JOHN CLARKE: He just did a big show and tell. I know. I wrote most of it.

BRYAN DAWE: It was a very successful show and tell.

JOHN CLARKE: I wrote most of it. He didn't do it all on his own. I wrote the good parts, they were all mine.

BRYAN DAWE: John, you must have known this was going to go very well for Peter this week. You must have done.

JOHN CLARKE: No, I had in idea.

BRYAN DAWE: You must have known what he was going to say this week.

JOHN CLARKE: I didn't have any idea what he was going to say.

BRYAN DAWE: John, you just told me you helped him prepare it.

JOHN CLARKE: Bugger it. Bugger it.

BRYAN DAWE: So you must have known what was in it. You must have known what he was going to say. You must have known also it was going to be very good for Peter.

JOHN CLARKE: Can I go now?

BRYAN DAWE: No, sit down.

JOHN CLARKE: I've got to go to underwater hockey.

BRYAN DAWE: The point is, you have set out to upset Peter by spoiling everything he's done, and I don't want to see this behaviour again. Do you understand? Look at me. Do you understand?

JOHN CLARKE: Yeah, yeah. Alright.

BRYAN DAWE: Okay. Now go. Send Peter in. Some serious mistakes in this economic project he's handed in. What's that you are putting on the chair, John.

JOHN CLARKE: Nothing. I'm not putting anything on the chair.

BRYAN DAWE: Pick up those drawing pins immediately.

JOHN CLARKE: He might need pins to pin his work up.

BRYAN DAWE: Get out of here. Get out of here.

JOHN CLARKE: He likes putting his work up.

BRYAN DAWE: Costello! In here!