Gossip Girl
In The Realm Of The Basses

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Where In The Hell Is Chuck Bass? San Diego?

Dan sneaks S into the loft to sneak around and look through Rufus's shit, to solve the mysterious mystery, and S finds a wedding ring in his desk but D condescendingly explains it's Alison's, and not actually the key to the mystery S has constructed where R asked L to marry her six seconds after her prominent society husband died, and was rebuffed and threw a fit. No, S, it's even stupider than that. Anyway, she gets a text from B about I NEED U NOW and takes off because anybody's more interesting than Dan and nobody's more interesting than B so it seems obvious, and then he finds this like tourist map of Boston and surrounding with like Xs over every orphanage and adoption agency and still he's like, "But what does it mean" and finally calls the phone number that Rufus -- totally realistically -- scrawled in his girly handwriting because he's ever so sneaky, and he calls it, and they're like "South Boston Whatever Incredibly Difficult Decision You Make Totally On Your Own Somebody Is Going To Call You A Whore Agency" and he hangs up because WOW that's how easy it is to make this all about Dan, once again. It's really not.

Picture it: Tokyo, 1936. Former ho Sada Abe is now a maid in a hotel not unlike the Palace, who meets and falls for Chuck-like hotel owner Kichizo Ishida, and they have a whole thing that's mostly about drinking, fucking, and weird fucking. Needless to say, she goes a Sasha Fierce amount of crazy in love with him. She becomes murderous; meanwhile he can't get off unless he's getting strangled. Eventually they go all "Mein Teil" and she carves their names in blood on his chest, then severs his genitals and all that usual stuff you do in a breakup. And if you were still blowing Carol Channing raspberries at my "B is about to go buckfuckingwild" theory, the story of this union is called "In The Realm Of The Senses." And if still no, here's the song that's going to play at the end of the episode in a second, being "E.S.T." by White Lies:

If you tell me to jump then I'll die
In my dreams I'm there
I always hoped that I'd learn how to fly
In my dreams I'm there

B enters the apartment, snapping at Dorota as she goes and as the Kolony Klub Klock is kounting down; she heads upstairs and has herself a long look in the mirror. Now obviously if you're reading this you went the same place I went, which is a nowhere place that is fruitful but hard to get to and no fun to look at, and basically says, "That place you're never going to look at? Let's just go ahead and look at it."


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