sex with hubby

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
sex with hubby
Sun, 09-14-2003 - 1:44am
my name is emily and iam 24 yrs old married 2 and a half years have a 1 yr old little girl hubby works 2 jobs and works hard for a living iam a very appreciative wife but i feel that sex with him is boring and he isnt sensitve to my needs iam a romatic at heart and get tired of the same old routine ,and i feel he dosnent do his part i question his motives everyday and a tad bit jelous ,he seems to spend more time on work then me and his kid i feel ignored shut out i talked with him but it still isnt changing i know hes not cheating on me iam not fat at all or unattractive but getting him involved and intrested is wearing me down hes 36 and iam 24 married him at 22 its not like iam 40 yrs old and tired all the time i dont understand why is he is this way ? i get tired of it excuses and more excuses we have sex every other day and its always about him not me and iam tired of it iam direct about what i want i cant do this anymore i feel abandoned,uncared for unloved and its old iam i overeacting or should i end my marriage or have an affair others find me attractive sexually he dosnent seem at all intrested how can i help him be more invoved and passionate i feel like cheating but havent and i dont wanna leave my ,marriage i love him and i know he loves me he tells me all the time please just be honest i would appreciate your opinions ,overreacting or just plain dumb is there something iam not seeing? and what iam i doing wrong ?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
Sun, 09-14-2003 - 2:44am
I don't see anything you're doing wrong. You mentioned that he's 36 and works 2 jobs, and works hard. So his body is 12 years older than yours and probably isn't running on all cylinders like it used to (I'm not saying a man is washed up at 36 - just that energy levels typically begin to ebb at this stage of life). Add that to the TWO jobs he works, and I'll bet this guy is just plain TIRED. Not that he doesn't want you or that he doesn't find you attractive, he probably just doesn't have the energy to perform whenever you want him to.

Please don't cheat - get that thought out of your head immediately. What would it get you? A little booty, but plenty of heartache, possibly a broken marriage, a guilty conscience, and a poor example for your little girl. It would not, in any way, convince your hubby to be more involved or passionate with you in bed. Rather, exactly the opposite. Trust, once broken, takes forever to rebuild. Hear this: it's not worth the cost to you, your husband, or your little girl. It's sad that your hubby isn't attentive at all to your needs and desires, but I'll bet those are more related to intimacy than they are to sex. Cheating will get you sex, but it won't get you love or intimacy, what you seem to be seeking the most. By cheating, you risk losing it ALL.

That said, I have more:

Part of your post has me confused: You said,

>>> we have sex every other day and its always about him not me <<<


>>> others find me attractive sexually he dosnent seem at all intrested <<<

Huh? What would you consider "interested?" Sex three times a day? He's interested (and energetic) enough for every other day, and for many couples, that's LOTS. Count your blessings! but really, I think what you're missing here is not sex, but intimacy. You're getting them confused. You want him to cherish you, pay attention to you, cuddle with you, listen to your fears and dreams, and care enough to want to pleasure you before getting his own rocks off. Am I getting warm?

And this confused me, too:

>>> i feel abandoned, uncared for unloved <<<


>>> i know he loves me he tells me all the time <<<

So he TELLS you he loves you, but you don't feel it, right?

IMHO, you may be overreacting about the sex, but underreacting about the real nature of the problem in your marriage. If you're doing anything wrong, it's just that you may not be attentive enough to his needs (outside of bed). But he's no angel, either. You say you have been very direct about it with your hubby, but he's apparently not *getting* it. I think both of you would benefit from marriage counseling - it could sort out the sex issue as it relates to your need for intimacy and his need for time off. Might wake him up, too - if he realizes he's about to lose you if something doesn't change.

Also, the tone of your post sounds very desperate - I am concerned that there may be some touch of depression affecting your judgement and feelings about the situation? Nothing to be ashamed of, this is very common after childbirth. First talk to your doctor about it, then get an appointment with a marriage counselor.

Meanwhile, you could try some romantic surprises - a bubble bath ready for him when he comes home (with you in it), a backrub, bake his favorite cookies and hide them in his lunchbox, etc.

good luck to you both, whatever happens. And please post back here and let us know...



iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
Sun, 09-14-2003 - 5:20am
Just thought i would say i completely agree. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 09-14-2003 - 3:31pm
First of all, let me say that I'm sorry you're going through this. I think you might be expecting a bit much from a man who is working two jobs to care for you and your baby. I'd imagine in his mind, the fact that he is working two jobs is proof of his devotion to you and your marriage.

Is this a temporary thing? If so, wait it out. Let him know that you want to do what it takes to make the marriage work, and meet somewhere in the middle where he doesn't feel attacked and you feel cherished and loved.

I can't imagine a man who's working two jobs and having sex with his wife every other day would have the energy to go outside the marriage, but women don't get cheated on because they're fat or unattractive. If that were the case, Kobe wouldn't be in his present predicament, Halle Barry wouldn't have been cheated on, and Sandra Bullock and Bob Schneider would probably still be together.

I hope that you're able to work this out, but I do think you're probably over-reacting.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 10:28am
This is going to be long.

First, it's important to state that feelings are not facts, goals, calls to action, or used to determine what to do in situations to get a specifically desired result. Feelings are a result of situations. Situations are created/changed by actions/decisions/words...and so your feelings are constantly subject to change - as situations unfold.

I've been where you the 2nd of 4 marriages...trying to get exactly what it is you're can't get it in marriage.

What you're wanting is a sense of completeness, security, success, happiness, personal identity, and a high level of self-awareness, self-acceptance, and self-responsibility. That would eliminate your dependence on another...and thus your resentment of him and what he offers.

I know that you believed "being married" - meant that you were independent, mature, and grown up -a nd that you'd become all those things once you were "grown up". But the reality is....being grown up is a result of becoming and being those things by your own definitions, efforts, standards, and means.

So you're with a man that is 12 years older than you.....meaning he's had a myriad of situations, circumstances, events, options,a nd opportunities in his life to determine his values, priorities, boundaries and goals...he's had a great deal of time and ability to determine his self-awareness, respect and responsibility - which allows him the sense of "completion" that he has got - and thus no resentment or jealousy about you, your youth, your time with the child, etc. etc. etc.

But you got with him...thinking you'd become a great deal that you have not because a relationship doesn't make you what you're not - content, secure, serene...and you've lost alot of what "appealed" about this liason. I'm sure all your friends were envious of the relationship wtih him and all that he offered as opposed to guys your own age. I'm sure that your impression was that his adoration would never cease - because after all you're so young, toned, taunt, and firm....compared to those his own age. So in short, you might have been looking to become something you're not in this relationshi - and it hasn't happened and you're upset. And you certainly weren't thinking of the flip side of the coin in terms of increased responsibility and diminished open adoration which is what real life" has in store for us all - age notwithstanding.

So you're complaining about the sex....I suspect tha tyou have sex linked to "your perception of your desirability"...and that is directly linked to your perception of "how you're going to become secure, successful, happy, complete, monied, possessioned, and socially accepted" that is why "sex" is hitting you so hard between the eyes.

And basically - you're saying that you don't "feel" as prioritized, as loved, as adored...but those are your feelings. He doesn't control them. I suspect it's more than you've found alot of work and responsibility in this liason...and not so much adoration and satisfaction and it certainly hasn't made you more emotionally balanced, serene, mature, or confident about who you are, what you stand for, where you're headed and how you're going to get there...thus the resentment, frustration, anxiety and doubt.

You can resolve this....I'd implore you to realize it's a personal issue and resolve it prior to dissolving your marriage and finding yourself either a single parent with little assistance or support....or finding yourself being termed "unfit" as a parent for primary custody by the court...and you still being 24...with the stretch marks, lack of self-esteem, and with none of the things you came into the marriage to get....and lacking them in more abundance instead. Not saying that staying or going is going to resolve your issue...I am saying until you resolve the issue - you won't know if staying or going is a solution vs. just an option. No matter where you go, there you are.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 10:53am
Title: I could not agree more...

...this isn't about the sex. Three to four times a week from a guy in his mid to late 30's who is holding down two jobs, and with a small child in the house is pretty damn good. Not to say that the QUALITY of the sex may or may not need improving....but "quality of sex" and "feeling attractive" tend to not be linked issues, versus "hubby WON'T have sex with me" and "does he not feel atteractive".

This is all about her not feeling like she is getting enough out of this, whatever enough is.

And I agree with you...if you SigO has two jobs and shares parenting duties, thinks a person has to learn how to self nuture, because that is an awful lot to add to HIS plate...