When Your Teen Wants You to Say No

By Marion Asnes

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Make clear rules in advance.

Setting limits on day-to-day behavior helps keep the peace and can provide a foundation if bigger problems hit. Kate Stewart, who lives in rural Henryville, Indiana, was fighting with her 14-year-old son, Zach, because he constantly wanted his parents to drive him 20 miles into town so he could hang out with his friends. "At Zach's age, the kids concoct activities at the drop of a hat," she says. "But he never told us about them until the last minute, and then he would have a complete fit if we said no."

Kate and her husband devised a rule: If Zach wanted to go into town on a weekend, his parents required 24 hours' notice. "We explained that it was not reasonable for me or his dad to drop everything when we had our own responsibilities," says Kate. Now, instead of fighting, Kate reminds Zach about the rule. Meanwhile, Zach is learning how to plan ahead.

You also need to be clear about the big stuff — where you stand on smoking, drinking, curfews, etc. — and what the consequences will be if your child violates the rules. (Don't forget that teens loathe hypocrisy, so you'd better walk the walk.)

I often say to my daughter, "I get only one of you. I can't get a replacement if you get broken." She doesn't like the restrictions that come with that, but she knows I'm not setting them because I'm mad at her.

Don't back down.

Any parent of a teenager knows what a struggle it can be to resist an adolescent's anger, defiance, or whining, especially at the end of a long day.

"That's why it's important to have your limits-and-consequences conversation ahead of time and not in the heat of the moment," says Walsh. "Then, rather than getting angry when your kids misbehave, you can remind them of the rules."

He relates an incident when his son, then 17, challenged him about his curfew. Instead of getting angry, Walsh reminded him that if he didn't keep the curfew, he'd lose access to the family car. His son stormed off, furious — but later that night, he pulled into the driveway on time.

Teens need this kind of structure, says child and adolescent development expert Mel Levine, M.D., author of Ready or Not, Here Life Comes. After all, he adds, the adult world is full of nonnegotiable expectations. Grown-ups, for example, must fulfill the demands of their jobs and pay their bills on time.

"Teens gain the tools they need to meet these demands by living up to their parents' expectations at home, where people who love them can help them when they fail," says Dr. Levine.

Stay engaged.

Ultimately, says Walsh, no amount of discipline will work if you haven't built up a bank account of goodwill with your kid. During your child's adolescence, you'll start to feel like you're drawing down that account. You can build it back by hanging out with your teen and listening to what she thinks. And, when appropriate, you can admit you made a mistake.

You also want to engrave on your kid's innermost being that if something goes radically wrong, she can count on you. If your teen gets pregnant, gets arrested, or has a car accident (or something worse), you want to be the first one to know. So while you're enforcing limits, make sure you're not so rigid that your teen doesn't trust you to be on her side in case of real trouble.

The good news, says Kindlon, is that a lot of teens actually respect their parents' (and society's) rules. "Kids have more leeway to say no today. To avoid drinking, they can volunteer to be the designated driver, and that's accepted. Or they can say 'My parents would kill me,' and that's OK too."

Finally, realize that adolescence is a nail-biter for parents all the way. I've never experienced so many ups and downs as I have since I became a parent of teens. But most kids turn out just fine. After all, we did.

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