Guarding Light

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I'm not sure whether or not you know this about me but I enjoy reading and writing quite a bit and fanfiction provides an interesting source of reading for me as I can explore relationships or stories following my favorite characters in completely different settings/situations. Well I'm here today to announce my first fanfiction project is in production! (Truthfully I've had the idea since January and have been working on details and some minor writing since then but now I want to get into the actual writing and I'm hoping this will help to motivate me.)

My story will be a culmination of many elements from the Final Fantasy VII Compilation, Final Fantasy X/X-2, Final Fantasy XIIIs, and the Kingdom Hearts series. The world I'm using will include all of Spira, parts of Gaia, Gran Pulse and Coccoon to some degree, and possibly some locations from Kingdom Hearts as well. Magic systems, technology, and characters from all these sources will be included as well as possible cameos by other Final Fantasy characters based either on story progression or possibly by fan request.

Basic synopsis: War is upon the world as military forces are sent to fight against enemies and allies alike with new alliances formed out of nowhere. Yet these forces are simply puppets of the Organization as this shift in power and current conflict is all their doing. The fragments of Etro and their guardians will need to join with ally forces, enter this war, and defeat the Organization to move into a new age.

I suck at summaries or explaining things in a simplified, easy for everyone to understand kind of manner so if you want any more or specific details ask. I'm hoping to have the first chapter done within the next week or two, we'll see. The first chapter will follow Sora though I plan to focus more closely on other characters in later chapters. It'll be a few chapters until the war breaks out, or it could be as soon as the second, not sure how much I'll write before I get to the war. This story will include several pairings of both a heterosexual and homosexual nature, just warning you. That being said I don't plan to include anything graphic at this time and I'm hoping the overall plot will maintain more of the focus, at least once the war starts.

Any questions, comments, concerns, or just anything let me know in a comment or message and I'll update you all when I have further news which really should only be when the first chapter will be completed and available.

April is here: Update

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For once I'm using my blog just to update whats been going on in my life but not in a "I need to vent/everything is going wrong" kind of manner. I guess its been about 2-3 weeks since my last blog post and in that time I had spring break, played little to no video games and been kinda hooked on anime.

I've watched 5 full series in that time and I started my sixth. Shows like Eden of the East, Ga-Rei Zero, Persona 4 anime, and Darker than Black: Gemini of the Meteor and then the one I started today was Black Lagoon. I think I may have a problem watching so many anime in such a short amount of time but I guess it is what it is.

Game wise, I haven't really focused on anything since I beat the new Tomb Raider. I started another playthrough of RE: Code Veronica X and Final Fantasy 6 but neither of those have gone anywhere. I was kinda working on Devil Survivor Overclocked for awhile but that's kinda on hold since I ran into the immortal guy on the 3rd or 4th day and I haven't been able to finish that section within the required limits.

Other than that I've mostly been keeping busy with roommates or school work this week. I originally had 4 tests and a quiz this week but then the quiz got cancelled and then we ended up having it anyway and one of the three tests got pushed back. I still have 2 more tests to take so far this week.

That's pretty much everything that's been going on recently.

Eventful Day

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I'll start with the good in my venting process. No insomnia the last two nights so hopefully I'm over that from the three nights I had it before that. I got my finance test back today which was an 87% so that went well. Not really good news but school related as well, got a 4/10 on my tax quiz but then again I also heard that his classes last year did so bad that he cancelled the final and gave everyone Cs. Other than that I had an uneventful and safe trip back from school to home for spring break this upcoming week.

Now for the bad or other news, the second thing isn't exactly bad just kinda a big and nerve racking occurance for me. The first thing was I've been having redness/dryness/irritation/light sensitivity in my eyes the past week or so. It turns out I have a viral infection in both my eyes and there is no medicine for it. It will go away with time over the next several weeks or monthes. During that time it is contagious and I can't wear my contacts and will have to wear my glasses, oh fun :P

The other thing was kinda more significant though I guess I need to catch everyone up on some things then. For the majority of my life but specifically highschool through January of last year, which was my second year of college, I was dealing with depression, anxiety, and confusion over my sexual orientation and possibly gender. Basically told my parents I was very confused about the whole thing and I was going through depression. I went through therapy and a psychatrist for February, March, and part of April last year. I was put on mood stabalizers for the depression which I was on till Decemeber and my depression is now low or at least managable without meds. The anxiety I can't really fix but its livable. Turns out there isn't quite a gender issue just some repressed interests I guess we ended up calling it. I came to terms with the fact that I'm gay last May though I haven't really met or been in a relationship with another guy since then. All my friends know I'm gay and luckily I didn't lose any friends but that brings me to today. My mom finally asked about me confusion so we got it straightened out :P I'm gay and I'm not confused anymore. The talk went further into other things with genetics and religion but I don't want to rehash everything. It ended with her saying that I'm still me no matter what and she'll always love me. She also said though that as off yet she can't wrap her head around two guys being together or the concept of marriage or a family in that situation. I guess that'll be something for us to deal with down the road. I guess we still have some hurdles to jump there but more short term will probably be telling my dad, that'll be fun. Also, no slandering my parents please for being some what closed minded to the concept or idea of gay relationships. I can't fault them based off their religion/upbringing I just hope they can get used to it.

Thats pretty much everything of lately and today. I guess the only other thing weighing on my mind lately is that I need to go out and meet more people and learn more about what it means to be gay Despite being attracted to guys and being gay I don't actually know any other gay guys or gay/bi people in general. Also, my "knowledge" of gay people or gay living is almost entirely from yaoi or bara. I'm pretty sure that isn't a good thing :P That's all for now, and not hating please.

New and Awkward...

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Let's start with the new. This past week was full of new games, new movies, and new tests. I got the new Mass Effect DLC which is amazing and well worth it. I need to go back and get the achievements for the combat simulator at somepoint but I've been preoccupied with Tomb Raider. I'm 80% through the story and I've kept up with almost all the additional things in the game so I shouldn't have much back tracking to do. New movies were Breaking Dawn Part 2 and Red Dawn, I watched each of them 2 since I got them and I really enjoy them both. I had/got back a test in all my classes this week. Bs in 3 of my classes and one of those Bs was actually the highest grade in the class, a 50/80 in my one class but we didn't get to keep the test, weren't given any range/mean/average of the classes grade, and he was talking to me on the way out about how I seem to be doing much better than in his previous class so I'm kinda confused on whether I should be happy with that score or not. Lastly was my Finance test. My teacher has never taught before this semester and this was our first test. He gave us a 90 question long test bank question test and it was simply grueling. I really don't need to get that back.

The awkward was tonight. My friend, Emily, invited myself and a bunch of other people to her place for a movie night. As it turns out I was the only one who showed up since I wasn't busy with something else and I wanted to go so it ended up being just me with her and her fiancee. Don't get me wrong the night and the movie were enjoyable but since I left I've just felt alone and crappy. We watched Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist. So I have that couple next to me, watching Nick and Norah get together on screen plus there were quite a few cute guys in the movie. Why is it so hard to find a boyfriend? Ugh, I guess complaining about it on here isn't exactly going to find me one but I just need to vent some more.

February: The Final Days

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This week is almost at a close and with it we are now no more than a week away from the end of February. So what's does that mean for us as a people, I have no clue I was just gonna ramble about what I've been up to lately :P This week I had a quiz and my first Marketing Exam, I feel strongly that results were atleast good, maybe not great but good. I started playing Far Cry 3 this week and I've found it to be very enjoyable. I'm hoping to have it finished before Tomb Raider comes out a week from Tuesday but we'll see about that now won't we. Other than that I finished Soul Eater tonight and I saw Skyfall for the first time. That covers all I've been up to, but some recent news on some people I knew in highschool, mainly an opinion section.

My one friend from highschool that I talk to every so often, sometimes we're on a daily chatting basis and other times it can got to be longer, anyway she contacted me tonight with a video. Apparently someone we knew in highschool and his friends hit a deer while they were driving. Then they decided to make a video of themselves calling the deer such lovely things as pssy or btch and how dare it for running in front of their car. All of this was going on while the camera focused on the deer simply lying on the ground. Then the video ends with one of the guys stabbing the deer in the throat before it bolts away and the video ends. Of course after that they are all boasting about it on Facebook. I understand that hunting is a sport but the tormenting of a harmless deer that you just it with your car just seems ignorant or cruel to me. We all ready dwindle their numbers through hunting besides cutting back on their habitats, just let the poor thing be. Anyone else care to weigh in on that. So we've covered recent happenings and that one event tonight, now for the future.

Tomorrow I plan to bake some Lembas bread and some Dark chocolate fudge cake. Sounds delicious to me. Other than that I will start studying for my 2 Exams on Monday and maybe I'll study some for my 2 Exams on Thursday later in the weekend but we'll see about that. I'm not sure what else I'll do tomorrow. I know 2 of my 5 roommates are going home and one of the 3 staying with me is going to a party tomorrow night. Idk what else we'll be up to. So yep I have 4 Exams next week lots of fun :P Other than that more Far Cry 3 I'm sure. I'll also need to start a new anime, I'm kinda just going through what's on Netflix, I'm thinking maybe Blood + next, I'll see how the first few episodes go before I ultimately decide but I watch practically anything :P I guess thats pretty much everything as far as activities and goings on. Next Friday I may or may not join 2 of my roommates in going to a party at a former roommates apparentment. I'm not sure yet if I want to go given that I'll need money for byob and I don't get hungover in the sense of headache but I do in sickness, of course then again the 2 hour drive back to campus after such parties doesn't really help my stomach. Purchase wise I'm planning to get Breaking Dawn Part 2 next Saturday(2), Tomb Raider and its guide Tuesday(5), and I'll get the new Red Dawn(5) sometime the week after next as well. Thats my main extra spending for this semester. If you are thinking why do I need a guide for something like that or a guide in general, I'm getting it more for the necklace, dlc, and just the quality of the book, not necessarily for the content of it. If that doesn't make sense than idk what to say other than I collect what I like. I'm pretty sure that is everything on my mind now for recent and upcoming events.

And so Lightning flashes bright before it fades to black.

Lightning Evil

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Lightning at night
Evil alight
enthralled in now

Life is a constant, constantly filled with school work anime video games
Life is emotion, emotions in the darkness of self doubt and loathing when the images on screen aren't the way you feel and yet knowing that you can never fit that image.
Fear of the unknown, unknown within ourselves, from others, the future, the uncertainties.

I'm not really sure why I'm writting in such an odd poetic/cryptic manner but as Lightning I have flashed bright and now I fade to black. 

Long Year

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This year of change
realized today
So many things
what all to say

Therapy was had
Confusion so bad
Meds for the sad
Psychologist made glad

My mind was broken
lost in depression
My heart on the line
the pain that she lessened

I couldn't drag her down
My confusion had ended
She just couldn't be
the man that I needed

Pain didn't stop
Our relationship swayed
dilemas we had
silence that stayed

I left all I knew
moved somewhere new
Guys in my life
don't share my plight

I told them the truth
now they knew too
but comfort they can't
I've not found him yet

I fixed things with her
shakey at times
but supports we shall be
better days ahead

The strength that I feel
in this year of most change
has cracked my resolve
one goal yet remains

I haven't found him
the other half of me
The largest goal I have
not strong enough to reach

This year will end
hole left unfilled.


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The Beat

Day by day,
hour by hour.
Life simply is...
following the beat.

It may slow,
it may quicken,
but in my chest
it only thickens.

The weight is there,
heavy still.
The pain of time,
strong as steel.

Despite it all,
the beat is strong.
Searching now
for pain be-gone.

The beat needs to sync,
embraced in all means.
For the beat of another,
truly what I seek.

He is Right for Me

Up above me / Height
Arms around me / Embraced

First and Forever / Insecure
Held in comfort / Safe

Sun be shining / Reflected
Chocolatey pools / Immersive
Auburn strands / Gorgeous
Hand in mine / His
Soft embrace / Together

Head tilted smile / Flirt
He is my / Oxygen
Without him / Restless

Lips I kiss / Moist
Eyes on me / Entranced

She is Right for You

Piercing Blue / Sincerity
For the people / Hopeful
Puts you first / Entitled

Your eyes / Innocent
In her arms / Satisfied

Her morals / Rightgeous
Her scent / Intoxicating
Her movement / Graceful
Your Love / Her
Eternally together / Time

Your protector / Fierce
Her thoughts / Open
The nightmare / Reserved

Her being / Yours
Time apart / Obscene
Your passion / Ultima

Return of the Uncontrollable

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I'm back. I know I never really mentioned anything about being gone but I was on vacation with my family this past week to Nashville. We did many things and it was eventful filled with good food, exhibits of varying interest and level of air conditioning :P, and some not so great things but over all a pretty good time and home now. I also got to see The Dark Knight Rises in an IMAX theater while I was away and I'll be seeing it again tomorrow with two friends. Not the best or my favorite out of Nolan's Batman but still an epic film and a satisfying conclusion to his trilogy. Now for some of the not so good stuff, more me ranting or being concerned about my own well being.

My emotions and my stomach went a bit crazy while I was away on vacation. I couldn't eat on several occasions and felt on the verge of having to vom but luckily didn't. There were two times that were especially bad but no issues there other than the discomfort. Those worse moments were during dinner and I think it has something to do with the doxycline I take for my complection since I take that around dinner time. The emotional issues were mostly caused from reading fanfiction :P I read either 3 or 4 Jacob/Seth fanfictions on my phone and that had me emotionally raw for the majority of the week. I get very into whatever I'm reading or watching so I was experiencing all the emotions of the characters almost as heavily as they were and then when I started applying those emotions or questions in the fic to my own life and future it was a bit overwhelming. I felt depressed, lost, and alone. All this while on vacation surrounded by happy couples and familys. I want those kinds of relationships and there was just so much uncertainty with it because of all these added emotions. I'm considering adjusting the level of my mood stabalizer but not sure yet. I'm hoping this is an isolated incident, maybe just lay off the fics :P

Other than all that I've been doing well. Not really anything else to say, I think of more later. ttyl everyone :P

Lost in Paradise

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Not quite true, lost I am but I'll explain that in my own way probably leaving many lost, and paradise if that were a really crap way for describing gamespot but one way of saying I'm back even if it isn't by much. I've also been kinda hooked on this Shion and Nezumi tribute lately and it features that song by one of my favorites Evanescence.

Fine for a day or many to come but in that moment I am undone. I can't explain accurately in words and yet they're my only outlet, inadequate but its all I have to express the moment. Lost is all things, the soul, the mind, the heart, and even time. Seperated from everything when our only desire is to connect and yet our bodies instinct drives it away, breaking us down to the core in that moment. Minutes go by, though it could be only seconds or even hours but one thing breaks that moment. Reflection, like through water but instead barely seen through plexiglass. Adjectives and labels all applied, subject to view and opinion but overall change. Realization that change is both a constant and an answer. Realization broken by another reflection. Water is the life of all and me. In that moment I lost even that. Change is the answer, strength and determination needs to be found to never be lost.

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