Why “You’re Next” couldn’t happen to my family (s)

There’s always one thing with horror movies I always keep asking myself: “Why doesn’t at least one of them have a gun???” I’m not talking about the killers, I’m talking about the victims. For me, it’s a complete oddity at least one person in a group doesn’t have a gun either with them or quick access. It just doesn’t make sense. Someone aught to have a gun. Then I remember the movies were made by liberal idiots who think people don’t have a right to effective self defense. I mean, every character does what the anti-gun people say to do, and they all die at the hands of a guy with a fucking axe or crossbow. Yeah…fuck you morons. Moving on.

So I was flipping through the craptastic list Netflix currently has and I noticed “You’re Next”. I didn’t know anything about this movie going in except what I read on the synopsis…and we all know how useful and accurate Netflix makes those… I like a good horror movie, but this isn’t one of them. I’m not going to give a huge review here, don’t worry.

Basically, a family is having a get together, three guys start killing them, and they all die. During the entire thing, not one person has a gun. Oh, sure, they use meat tenderizers (I’m not kidding you) and a few kitchen knives to defend themselves, but everyone except for some chick who grew up in a “survivalist camp” (Why didn’t she have a gun???) dies.

I can’t speak for most families, but mine actually likes each other. Well, minus my wife’s side of the family who all but threw her out for marrying me and they don’t talk to us nor anyone in my family (No in-laws FTW!!!!). Even with my parents divorced and remarried, both sides of the family regularly get together and have fun. While you may think that’s odd, I find it odd other families get together just to fight during the holidays, resulting in more hatred toward each other.

Another thing about my family is just about everyone is armed. I’m armed, my uncles are armed, many of my aunts are armed, my cousins are armed, my wife is armed, my father is armed… The nieces and nephews are too young to carry themselves, that’s why they aren’t. There’s no way you could pull off the bullshit I saw in this, and many other, movie with us. One wrong move against us and the result Swiss human cheese. Here’s just a small example of what my family get togethers would look like if someone came in while we were dining together:

This is not an exaggeration, either. Now that many of us are in Colorado, even some of my British relatives will open carry when they get here. Hell, I even got married while my wife and I were wearing our guns. Her gun is up on her leg. Sexy, sexy. So even at our wedding, if someone decided to be a tard, they would have ended up having a very terrible day. Wouldn’t you want that for someone trying to hurt you and/or your family? For them to have the understated bad day of their life?

We aren’t gun nuts or even gun enthusiasts. If the amount of firearms I have makes me a gun nut, then you’re a towel nut and are obsessed with towels. I can promise anyone reading this has more towels in their house than I do firearms in mine. We enjoy shooting, we enjoy hunting, and we like the equalizing power it provides to everyone who wouldn’t be able to defend themselves otherwise. Sure it may be a tool, but it’s a bad ass and fun tool. If I’m a gun enthusiast, then you’re a couch enthusiast. You probably know more about your couch than I do about different guns between brands.

So, no, “You’re Next” couldn’t happen to me and my family. The first sign of some dumbass coming through a window would have resulted in them turning into ground hamburger. Or ground turkey for you low fat people. The movie isn’t bad, it’s just not the realistic horrorfest they billed it to be.