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Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Does the Mistress Really Have More Fun?

While having a discussion at a bar with a group of men, something was said by one with a ring on his finger that has stuck with me to this day, he said:

"The mistress has more fun."

...At the time I was horrified and taken a back, but in conversations I have with married male friends (a few that have mistresses) and a few of my single male friends, in a morbid type of way it is starting to make sense to me although it's not morally logical. Since this blog is called Y SUGARCOAT? I am going to try to explain because this is a real factor of life for a lot of people. Some women are okay with being mistresses because they feel they "have more fun" and some men have mistresses. It's a fact that in today's society 50% of marriages end in divorce. Since the beginning of time, people have cheated on people they have been married to.

*Disclaimer: In NO WAY am I condoning adultery and in NO WAY am I saying it's impossible for there to be successful, loving, and happy monogamous marriages. My parents have been married for 41 years and from my perspective it has been monogamous and my parents appear to be very much in love still. *

1. A Mistress is Different than a Jump Off:

The first reason many people give for why men stray outside of their marriages and relationships is that "men crave variety and women crave stability. Men like having sex with different people." While this is a valid reason, having a mistress is not solely just about sex. The mistress is essentially a companion, like a girlfriend. A Jump Off is someone used solely for sex. The Jump Off is not to expect anything from him while a mistress has similar expectation and rights as a girlfriend would. Often times the only person the mistress is a secret to is the man's family and wife. She often times gets to meet all his friends.

2. It's a Fantasy World:

A. Having a mistress allows a man to escape from reality. Usually, the man partakes in fun entertainment with the mistress. They go shopping, on vacations, to bars, lounges, parties, and of course, they have lots of sex. As it was explained to me by one man "there are rarely arguements with your mistress because the whole thing is about fun. When you get together all you do is have fun. Who argues when all they do is have fun?" Sometimes they do things of his interest that his wife never really showed she wanted to be a part of.

B. There are no expectations about behavior. Prime example, say a man goes to his wife's company dinner party. At the dinner party he is expected to act in a manner that would enhance his wife's image. He is not allowed to drink too much or act in any way that would expose anything other than a pristine image of their life together. With the mistress, this is not the case. They can go out and get wasted, make out in the middle of the dance floor, then laugh about it on the way home. Image expectations play no part in his interaction with the mistress, besides the mistress making him look good, it is usually carefree.

4. The Are No Real Adult Relationship Responsibilities:

There will not be pressure to "take it to the next level" (meet the parents, move in together, get engaged, get married, or have children). There are no adult relationship struggles that they have to partake in together such as financially struggles or planning for the future.

5. Marriages Can Often Lose the Fire:

As a couple embarks further into a marriage, things besides "us" get more important. Enter the arrival of children into the picture. This factor can sometimes make marriage seem more like a partnership, business arrangement, or platonic than a love affair. With the mistress there is always a fire because it's only about "us" when he is with her. It is about no one else and no outside factors.

6. It Mimics His Dating Life Prior to Marriage:

All the above mentioned points mimic a man's dating life prior to marriage or serious adult monogamy. It allows him to live in his wonder years for the times he is with his mistress.

So with all that said does the mistress have more fun? Perhaps...until she develops strong emotional attachments and wants security in the situation. No fun when she wants a life long partnership and marriage. No fun when his wife shuts down shop. No fun when someone ends up on an episode of Snapped. Definitely no fun when she realizes she wants to have kids with someone she is in love with who is NOT available. Maybe it's not the mistress that has more fun at the end, maybe it's the man?

I think I should interview a few mistresses for a follow up post.


  1. fun don't make it right and karma is real

  2. Ill take long term happiness over fun any day. Besides, when I feel secure in a relationship. I can let my hair down more. But I feel where you are coming from with these points, and it is something married people or even seriously dating people should keep in mind: Keep the fun alive. Don't let the flame die. Not just to keep the man, but it will make life more enjoyable. I don't want a business arrangement.

  3. There is obviously nothing new under the sun, and while these arrangements (both male & female partners whether a wandering wife or husband)may seem wrong from the casual onlooker. It occurs more often than one would believe. According to some statistics more than 85% of men and more than 65% of women have had an affair during their marriage.
    Is this natural ? I would say yes. The real question at hand is whether the concept of marriage is REAL or reasonable ?
    Next post (after the mistress follow up) should be "How realistic is long term monogamy in today's dual income society ?"
    I mean, Why sugar coat it ? :)

  4. I do not agree with the above comment that being in a long term monogamy situation is not possible. That sounds like a person with piss poor character who feels cheating is ok bc they dont have the gaul or decency to divorce or find the right person to marry



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