Foto 11.09.16, 12 30 27Sprayer: Hazul
Writer: CfFaust

Porto’s Alma 15

In the last few month all my thoughts have been with the family that has lost its father. I kind of grew up with this family because our mothers have been best friends for about fifty years. So they fell pregnant at around the same time and we kids use to hang out together and went on holidays together. I have so many beautiful childhood memories and still count them among my friends. The girl of my age and I are particularly close not only because we used to play together when we were kids. What keeps us together more than anything else is talking about our mothers and the importance of their friendship in our lives. I think that every woman has this kind of complex feeling towards her mother, being a boy is so much easier in this case. But whether or not you grew up under happy circumstances, you always have to find your place within a family and there is so much to analyze and interpret, which is a process of growing up in general. But having a dominant mother with a strong character always complicates finding your identity as a woman; that’s how I feel and I am so glad to have this in common with the friend I grew up with. We used to sit together, lighten our hearts by talking ill about our mothers, comparing finding differences, judging and criticizing, swearing that we would do everything better while knowing that we were already following the path prepared for us, using them as our ideal of a happy family. But talking bad about our mothers released us from the complicated role of being a woman and a daughter at the same time. It is shocking how strictly a daughter can judge her mother, but I am pretty sure it works both ways. As I said, the relationship between mother and daughter is the most complicated of all and this is why it is also the most blessed. So being a mum not only causes you this immense physical pain in childbirth. No matter whether you are a good mum or a bad mum, in the end, the child that you love more than anything else in the world is going to grow up and that means disengagement. Quite possibly, I am still in this phase of life which is why I am searching for my own identity by trying to understand the history of my whole family. And one of these histories always brings me back to my childhood families with this family which has lost its balance, its pole of calm, its huge idol of family life. I know how strong this family is and I know that they will be fine. I know he had a long, beautiful life and I know everything had to happen this way. But why does it throw me off course so much? I would love to be able to find the right words but I cannot and I feel so sad about it. All that comes up into my head and my heart is this strong maternal feeling. What is it? Is it because I am a woman? Is it because of the dominant femininity in my life? I don’t know. I cannot explain this feeling but tonight I am going to address my prayer for the first time to the Mother of God.