Would I Seek You Out to Date if We Were Single Again and Didn’t Have Kids?

She asked her husband and then answered it herself, “No”, crying bitterly.

The couple had come in to address communication issues. They were 11 years married with 2 children. They had recently realized how isolated they are from each other due to their many family and work life responsibilities. As they began talking, insights like the one above began to surface.

It is sad to see this, much less be in it.  Two people….. incredibly busy working, being good parents (a.k.a., bus drivers, PTA members, etc.), attending to family, keeping up a home, etc….only to one day suddenly realize that that the one person you thought was your best friend/lover/partner, etc. is more like a roommate and a roommate that you don’t really know!

After the tears stopped falling, they looked at me. You could see on their faces the expression of a horrible judgment…. “I picked the wrong person to marry (because obviously, had I picked the right person, my answer would have been “Yes”).

I reassured them stating that I had witnessed this before….these questions, these judgments…..in other relationships. I asked them to take a deep breath and to try and listen.

I share with them that while their conclusions may be right (They may not pick each other today if both were single and just met.), that wouldn’t be because they were “wrong” for each other when they did meet and marry. Scientists tell us that every 5 years, every cell in our body regenerates itself at least once. This means we become a completely new and different person every five years. And as such, we develop new interests, preferences, perspectives, etc.

So, while it would be quite natural then, that you may not pick your partner now to date, as opposed to 5, 10 or 15 years ago, this does not mean that you can’t have a successful relationship today with that partner you picked 5, 10 or 15 years ago. It does mean however, that you have to work at creating that successful relationship today by looking for common interests, preferences, etc., in your partner ….and so does everyone else that is in a successful and happy relationship.  Experts in marriage tell us that one of the secrets of successful long-term marriages is the awareness that we continually change and grown and as such, you must continually “get to know” your partner.

Something to think about….