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...... to think most men become grumpier and more intolerant as they age

(173 Posts)
Scumbag Thu 13-Sep-12 21:57:43

My DH has never been a bundle of laughs but as he approaches retirement age (and thus will be around me even more) he seems to complain constantly about everything and acts as if everyone else is out to make his life as difficult as possible.

Some examples being car going into garage then when he chases it up they haven't yet got the required spare part or similar excuse, ranting because he's received a phishing email from someone pretending to be his bank, it's raining when he planned to something out doors etc etc etc (none of these things would really raise a comment from me let alone a swearing rant)

If i posted this on Mumsnet I would probably be advised to 'leave the bastard' but after 30+ years that seems easier said than done - and obviously I wouldn't then be going out into the world alone expecting an exciting career and new admirers as someone younger might.

Also many of my peers seem to have DHs becoming similarly grumpy.

Any views out there, is it just me and can I change him? should I put up with it?

johanna Thu 13-Sep-12 22:04:51

Welcome to the world of retirement.
I wish you the best of British.....
You will have your very own Victor Meldrew now.
Good Luck.!

janeainsworth Thu 13-Sep-12 22:09:46

Praise the good, ignore the bad, if you want to change his behaviour grin)

Notsogrand Thu 13-Sep-12 22:10:58

Just as you do with toddlers!

Ella46 Thu 13-Sep-12 22:11:47

Get a toy boy to take your mind off things wink

Scumbag Thu 13-Sep-12 22:13:00

Hmmm, yes that is sensible advice. However I would say that he saves most of his extreme rants for me only, almost never in front of his friends or work mates. So it's hard to ignore as I am always within hearing distance of it.

Notsogrand Thu 13-Sep-12 22:23:14

Perhaps there's a way to neutralise the effect of the rants. If he rarely does it in front of others, then he does have control over his outbursts. If walking away isn't an option when he starts, then get an Ipoddy thingy with mini earphones and have it 'on' all the time. Say you're listening to a play or whatever. Just something to act as a barrier between him yelling and you having to hear it.

gracesmum Thu 13-Sep-12 22:23:26

Oh where have I heard this before? Oh I know it was me yesterday to my friend over coffee!! Seriously, I think there is a thing I call "intellectual flexibility" - either you have it, or you don't. And more women have it and keep it as they grow older and men, perhaps because they have been deferred to all their lives are worse than women. Can't be bothered with the toyboy option so it's coffee and lunches with friends, lone and lifesaving shopping trips (but must remember not to buy anything) and MY SPACE to retain my sanity. Welcome to our world!!!
In answer to your initial question - can you change him? What do you think?

janeainsworth Thu 13-Sep-12 22:31:57

In that case scumbag you perhaps need to have the conflict resolution conversation with him. (Can't help wondering about your choice of nickname).
It goes like this.
1. You ask his permission to discuss something.
2. You tell him how things appear to you eg 'It seems to me that things upset you quite easily these days'.
3. You tell him how this makes you feel (the 'impact') eg 'when you rant on, it makes me feel ....'(whatever it is that it makes you feel)
4. Ask him how he thinks he can change.
5. Agree that the change will be implemented within a certain time-frame.

That's the theory anywaysmile
The important things are that you don't directly accuse him of anything, you just say how things seem to you and how they are affecting you, and the idea for how to change has to come from him, not you.

gracesmum Thu 13-Sep-12 22:37:23

I'd just go out for coffee grin

petallus Thu 13-Sep-12 22:43:35

Oh why do they always need babying along and cajoling?

janeainsworth Thu 13-Sep-12 22:45:40

Well I probably would too gracesmum if I'm honestgrin

annodomini Thu 13-Sep-12 22:48:01

Approaching retirement, men feel more insecure than most women because they tend to be defined by their jobs. Some turn to the bottle, others become irascible. Does he have a hobby or pastime? Golf? Fishing? You need to find something that gets him out from under your feet. My friend's husband spends a lot of time organising activities for a men's club; my brother-in-law researches and writes about historical subjects. Luckily, since mine has long been my ex, I don't have this problem, but my mother did.
There used to be a vogue for pre-retirement programmes and courses in order to prepare employees for what is a big turning-point in their lives. Do these still exist?

Nanadogsbody Thu 13-Sep-12 22:48:07

grace I think you must be talking about MrDogs as you have described him to a T.

* scum* here are some tried and tested suggestions

1) get rid of him for several hours a week (or daily if you can manage it). Golf is especially good for this or perhaps fishing or the local Rotary Club.
2) in between times try to encourage him to take up some projects such as creating a patio or a water feature. This will also get him out of your hair and you might end up with something worthwhile. Remember to pop out every so often, hourly will do, with praise and a cup of tea.
3) disappear yourself for hours on end (* grace's* already suggested this) and insist you left him a note explaining where you were. I usually leave mine in some obscure place such as in the cutlery drawer.
4) volunteer his services to something like hospice visiting, that'll help him realise he is well off.
5) lastly, and this one really works amazingly well for me, pretend you can't hear him very well. Keep asking him to repeat himself or misunderstand him ' you're going on Thursday? You're thirsty?' etc. Suggest he speaks up and stops mumbling.

hmm grin

Nanadogsbody Thu 13-Sep-12 22:50:05

anno I was not plagiarising your post, we must have crossed in hyperspace!

Anagram Thu 13-Sep-12 22:54:37

I wonder why you called yourself Scumbag as well, Scumbag! confused
Tell him you're fed up with his moaning and that he's making you feel uncomfortable to the extent that you feel he's blaming you for everything. He has to accept that he's retired now and he'll either have to develop new interests or get a shed and stay in it for most of the day!

janeainsworth Thu 13-Sep-12 22:55:27

nanad grin
anno pre-retirement courses do still happen - DH and I both went on (different) ones tailored to our different jobs, and found them very helpful.
There was financial as well as lifestyle advice and the emphasis was on looking positively on retirement as another, and very enjoyable, phase of your life.
Seems to have worked for us- no regrets at all about giving up work.

Anagram Thu 13-Sep-12 22:56:44

Several posts appeared before mine came up - sorry if I've echoed anyone else's thoughts!

gracesmum Thu 13-Sep-12 23:05:29

The shed idea is a good one - get him to build it first, make sure it has heat, light,comfy chair, wi-fi, maybe even draught beer on tap (and a loo) and you can have the house to yourself again. Why didn't I do that?

gracesmum Thu 13-Sep-12 23:06:23

Who was it said "I married him for life, but not for lunch" smile

Nanadogsbody Thu 13-Sep-12 23:18:34

Ditto the shed. Wonderful idea, that will be MrDogs next project. It can house his golf clubs and fishing gear too. And the three baby buggies. And my old treadle machine that doesn't work but belonged to my grandmother-in-laws do is very precious and.......

Better make it a very big shed.

Granny23 Fri 14-Sep-12 00:43:58

Like Johanna I have my own in-house Victor Meldrew. I have tried all the strategies listed above, which have not worked. Undertaking a 'project' or being involved with a group just brings more things to complain about into his repetoire. I have encouraged him to talk more with our lonely elderly male neighbour, but as he (the neighbour) is deaf, the conversations are pretty one-sided and DH acquires a whole new batch of things to complain to me about.

I did find out the complaint line numbers for the major TV companies and can direct him there if current moan concerns re-rescheduling his favourite programmes, but did not have same success with urging him to write 'letters to the editor'. He thought that was a good idea but wanted me to write the letters - He said 'You write better letters than I do': I said 'but I'm not complaining': He said 'but you said you agreed with me and I should write to the paper'.

What we need is a Grumpsnet with Topics such as Young People Today, Vanishing Tradesmen, The PM, Chancellor, Mayor, etc. is misguided, ill informed, off his trolley, IN MY DAY...' How I taught my wife how to do housework or shopping and perhaps a page for photos of their DGC who of course never do anything wrong (in spite of their parents bringing them up in the most peculiar way).

Or do you think such a site would just giving them more opportunities to rant on 'You'll never believe what this chap said on Grumpsnet today'?

Ariadne Fri 14-Sep-12 06:56:33

nanadog - or you could join the local Rotary club! (It's all been dual gender for about twenty years.)

I think the best word is "irascible". DH is usually even tempered, but the things that have always annoyed him now annoy him more. And as for the process of selling the house..but you've all heard about that.

Nanadogsbody Fri 14-Sep-12 07:37:51

granny23 love this idea. Why has no one thought of it before? grin

Ariadne now there's an idea. But is it not full of exactly the types we are trying to escape from? Only asking, no idea myself.

I think * grace* has hit the nail on the head. It's to do with mental flexibility.

Greatnan Fri 14-Sep-12 07:57:10

Speaking as someone who has been happily divorced for 33 years, I can only say that I wouldn't bother pandering and cajoling to a selfish, grumpy, inconsiderate partner. It is a type of bullying and we all agree that bullying must be tackled.
I did put up with a lot of selfishness during my twenty year marriage, possibly because I married at 18, but I wouldn't now. I would rant myself, treat him to a dose of his own medicine, or tell him to shut the up.

I didn't need a pre-retirement course - I couldn't wait to be free to spend my time exactly how I want.