what's she building in there?

I need someone to talk to. I need someone to talk to.

I find myself repeating that, involuntarily, probably many times a day. And yet, there's something ridiculous about it. What would I say that I haven't already tried to say? I can speculate that I still need a kind of feedback, input or new stimuli it is impossible to get, or that I obviously want something unrealistic, but how do I stop myself from muttering like a crazy person?? Not to mention that it seems horribly unfair to all those who have made the effort to endure my pontifications thus far?

Hmmmm. Well, I think although I still feel like I live life in a state of starvation, or hanging over a cliff by fingernails, at the same time I feel this immense gratitude for the variety of opportunities I've encountered while in that state.

I think there's a lot of awareness now that if someone is depressed, or dealing with some kind of 'mental illness', it's not politically correct to tell them to snap out of it. Er.. in practice.. I'm not sure it's easy to understand all the implications of that, but..

I have made an assessment of my life, my patterns, my strengths and weaknesses, the resources and network I have access to, and I have factored in a high dose of Realistic Thinking, and the conclusion I have come to is that my only snowball's chance in hell of having more of a life, even momentarily, is to Snap Myself Out of It (whatever It is), and whether I'm successful or not, to push any inspiration that arises from the efforts and (possibly) failure just as far as it will go.

I'm OK with that.

As for my title.. the postal workers in the area might be scratching their heads wondering about all the deliveries for me and GK. The thing is, since I don't go out, and don't want to have to ask GK to buy things for me, it makes sense to have stuff delivered. As for GK, I think he enjoys the opportunity to comparison shop over the internet. I think I grasp and support locavore philosophies, but I admit I also like to see what is out there in the world, to have contact with different parts of it, to find the unexpected.

But.. I also like to think that maybe I'm working on something, creating something, and that I need to acquire an odd assortment of materials to work with.

[Note: the bracelet/arm cuff I am wearing above is by NataliStudio on Etsy - from Latvia! The nail enamel is this mirror finish/chrome type.. when it is first applied, it is amazing, it does have a mirror finish, but it doesn't last long. Within an hour or two, it just looks like a regular silver metallic polish, and it also starts fading - this is evident in the photo. It faded off my fingernails within a day so that there was only a little hint of it. It stayed on toenails a little longer. Still, for the few moments when it looks awesome..

Like all moments of awesomeness, so hard to capture, but I try to remember.]

->exile on meme st: a diary