Monday, October 27, 2008

Why does it taste like burning?

After a conversation about cookware last night with our friend "Sir Pious Prius" on the way to dinner, I realized that it was maybe time once again for me to answer any pressing culinary questions y'all may have.

Anything food/restaurant/cooking related questions- send 'em my way.

I'm a professional- I know what type of underpants to wear while fonduing (thongs or tighty whiteys are best), and I can tell you why your Kraft Mac & Cheez turns out crunchy every time (don't add gravel- I keep telling you this and you keep NOT listening). Don't be shy- I won't ridicule you, well not unless you did something really, really stupid. It's called tough love, folks.

Let me help you. The first step on the road to recovery is admitting you have a problem, you know.

All I ask is that you begin all questions posed here with "Dear Chef Awesome..."

Ask away, my tasty little morsels of perfectly-cooked goodness. Ask away.

Sincerely yours-
-Chef Awesome

**Answers will be in the comments, my sweets. I know how impatient you are.


Bubs said...

Dear Chef Awesome:

I am a big fan of deep-fried turkey. What I want to know is, what's the optimum number of beers I should have before turning up the unregulated flame on the turkey fryer full blast? And, should I limit the number of dogs and children allowed on the porch while I do this?


Whiskeymarie said...

In order:
*more than four, but less than ten.
*No- they need to learn life's lessons the hard way just like the rest of us.

Dr Zibbs said...

Dear Chef Awesome, I cook all the time but can't seem to get pizza down from scratch. Is it worth making? What tips can you offer?

pistols at dawn said...

Dear Chef Awesome,

Like most men, I am childish and terrible at all things necessary for sustaining life, including cooking. What's something easy to make that sounds fancy, so I can make it for women to make them easy?

red said...

Dear Chef Awesome,

I'm considering quitting my well paying 9 to 5 job to go to cooking school. Am I crazy?

McGone said...

Dear Chef Awesome,

I am currently designing posters for the school's culinary program. What images should I use? Severed fingers add a nice splash of color, but i think they send the wrong message.

Yours in Christ,

Poobomber said...

Dear Chef Awesome:

What's the best way to serve pig's feet, and what goes well with it? Should the pig be dead while serving? What will the pig walk on after his feet are gone??


nancypearlwannabe said...

Dear Chef Awesome,

Where can I get a hat that says Chef Awesome?

Love, NPW

Mojito said...

Dear Chef Awesome,
Whence choosing a new flavor of boxed wine to accompany our weekly Friday night meal of Kraft Shells and Cheese (we're fancier than just eating regular macaroni and cheese!) and Morningstar Chik'n Nuggets, should I look more at the price or the amount of dust on the box (the more dust, the longer it has been there, hence nobody likes it...)?
Thanks a bunch!

John said...

Dear Chef Awesome... you get cheap ones and replace them often or expensive ones and sell the cat on e-bay to afford them?

Pots and pans. Have you ever found a set you like? Have often do you replace?

What's your favorite cheese?

Jess Wundrun said...

Dear Chef Awesome,

What is the explodey-est recipe in your canon?

Whiskeymarie said...

Zibbs- it's totally worth it to make pizza from scratch. Make the dough, let it rise, then roll it out nice and thin (1/4" or less). Poke it all over with a fork, then bake the crust at 400 degrees until is JUST starts to get lightly browned and not "squishy". Let it cool a little, crank the oven to 450 degrees (use convection if you have it). Top the pizza, then (if it's not too heavy/difficult) slide the crust right onto the oven rack, and put a baking sheet on the rack below to catch any mess. Bake until browned and bubbly. I make pizza like this at least once a week- you'll get the hang of it. Let me know if you're still having issues.

Pistols- Try roasting a chicken with some garlic and olive oil. It smells awesome and it's really easy. Rub it with olive oil, sprinkle it with salt & pepper, throw some garlic cloves in the butthole. Roast it at 400 degrees for an hour. Get the rest (potatoes, vegetable, whatever) from the deli at the grocery store and pretend you made it.

Oh, and slip a roofie in her wine cooler. That will totally make her easy, even if your food sucks.

Red- Just don't go anywhere expensive!!! Research the schools in your area- look for tech schools or community colleges that may offer 1-2 year programs. Spending more than 10-12 grand for culinary school is a HUGE mistake. In the end, if you are a hard worker with a passion for it, it won't matter if you went to a bazillion-dollar school. E-mail me if you decide to forge on with this- I will gladly help you in the process.

McGone- They need to know the truth- I say go ahead with the severed fingers. Hell, we usually have someone cutting off part of their finger at least once a semester. If you can find a way to work in a third-degree burn as well I'd appreciate it.

1) In a fine crystal bowl
2) Preferably, as they're way too wiggly otherwise
3) Prosthetic feet made from salvaged computer parts and old tires.

NPW- It's a complicated process involving a white chef's hat, a sharpie and a very detailed diagram from NASA.

John- I have both cheap and expensive knives- buy what you like. My favorite knife only cost $45, but I have some that were way over $100. Use what works for you. I would never sell my cats for cutlery. I'd sell my soul or my husband first.
pans- I use Revere "Pro line" and I've had them for 12+ years. Good, solid stainless pans should last forever. Nonstick- buy "Analon" brand- they're a lot more expensive than most nonstick, but I have had mine for over 10 years and I'm just now debating replacing them.
#1) Goat cheese in any and all forms
#2) Mimolette (It's french- try it)
#3) Cotswold cheddar with chives

Mojito- This can be tricky- I like to use this theory when selecting quality boxed vino:
More dust = Finely aged, Finely drunk.

Fancy Schmancy said...

Dear Chef Awesome: Why won't the dishes magically clean themselves and put themselves away?

Anonymous said...

Dear Chef Awesome,

Is spaghetti squash supposed to be crunchy? I cut it in half, baked it 30 minutes flesh side down, shredded it and mixed stuff in it, put it back in the oven for about 15 more minutes and it was crunchy. Whadda I do wrong???


Moe Wanchuk said...

Dear Chef Awesome,

My mommy always cooked everything with Lipton's onion soup on it. Now 25 years later, I still hurl violently when I see that little white and red box at Cub. I still have nightmares. I still won't eat onions. I'm scarred for life. HELP ME CHEF AWESOME!

John said...

Dear Awesome Chef,

Thank you for the recommendations. Will you be hosting a cheese tasting party in the future?

I recommend Delice de Bourgogne. It's also french. :)

Kim said...

Dear Chef Awesome:
Not to be greedy but this opportunity doesn't come along every day! I have two questions.
1. My mother-in-law just gave me a huge container of fresh rosemary. It smells great and I want to use it, but how and for what? I've never used fresh anything except parsley and I don't want to miss this opportunity.
2. How the FUCK do you separate the egg yolk from the egg white. I've tried and failed so many times, I'm ready to never try it again. Eggs aren't cheap, you know?
Thank you again - I can only aspire to be a miniscule of the culinary goddess you are.
Kim in SC

Joanna said...

Dear Chef awesome,
I am a lazy student and a terrible cook. Last year I lived with an aspiring chef to be who basically did all the cooking, but she moved to America for a year and I have found living on toast and cereal isn't all it's cracked up to be. Any simple yet nutritious recipes you can recommend?

With love from the emerald Isle, Joanna

Whiskeymarie said...

jess- If you mean my favorite/best recipe, my mac & cheese and chocolate chip cookies are far and away the best recipes in the history of recipes, in all the universe of recipes.
If you mean actually EXPLOSIVE recipes, all I can think of is the one time I made a red curry so volcanically hot that it gave me & the Mr. what I affectionately call "spicy butthole", and once I started a fire in my oven making pies (my oven is electric). Long story.

Fancy- because god hates us and this is his way of preparing us for hell. Or not. I just make this shit up sometimes.

patti- I am not a fan of microwave cooking, but I swear, spaghetti squash turns out way better if you nuke it. Cut it in half, scrape out the seeds, then put the halves on a plate with a piece of wax paper over them. Nuke for 10-15 minutes total (depending on the size), turning once halfway. I let the halves sit for 5-10 minutes then scrape with a fork.
Try it, see if it works for you.

moe- I suggest sticking to a strict diet of guilt, shame and bologna sandwiches. And drink a lot- that should help too.

john- I love Delice de Bourgogne. Yum. When I had my restaurant it was a regular in the cheese plate rotation.

pseudokim- #1- Chop it really fine and put it in pasta dishes, or rice/risotto. Take whole sprigs and stuff them in the cavity of a whole chicken before roasting, or slip them under the skin of pieces of chicken before cooking. Mix some finely chopped rosemary with goat cheese or good cream cheese, some chopped sundried tomatoes, salt & pepper and use it as a spread for crackers or baguette toasts or good bread. Put it in soups or stews (rosemary goes great with chicken, beef, lamb, game, pork & turkey), and sauces or pan gravies. Don't be afraid to experiment! Start with a little here & there, you'll get more comfortable with using it.
#2- I just use the shell halves to do it, but that is a little hard if you don't do it all the time. Make sure your hands are clean, crack the egg into your hand, then separate your fingers so the white falls through, but the yolk doesn't. If you don't like the idea of fondling your eggs, Tupperware makes an awesome egg separator that is pretty foolproof.

You can do it, toots!

kirby said...

Chef Awesome:

I like tripe. In menudo, and steamed with ginger and chiles like they serve at the dim sum places. Do you know of a different way to prepare it. Some Frenchy way? They eat anything, right?

Whiskeymarie said...

joanna- make sure to keep enough canned, frozen & dry goods around to help you out- they keep forever and make last-minute eating/cooking easier.
I like to cook up a big batch of brown rice (I make a big batch because it takes 45 minutes of simmering), then I portion it into containers or bags & freeze it. Brown rice is good heated with just come drained, canned black beans, salsa and a little sour cream or cheese, or mix in come drained canned chickpeas (garbanzo beans), some curry powder, a little hot sauce and some frozen peppers & onions or fresh chopped veggies. Heat it up, top with a dollop of plain yogurt and a little more hot sauce, if you like it spicy.
Also: Use whole-wheat pita breads as single-serve pizza crusts- top with whatever you like, bake at 400 degrees.
Spend a little time on your days off to find some easier recipes ( is a great site for recipe-hunting) for things like soups, stews & baked dishes that you can make in larger batches and freeze part of for later. In the summer I make big batches of pasta or grain salads and nibble off of them for days.
Once you get in the habit & get a little ahead, you'll appreciate having supplies on hand and some already-made things in the freezer. E-mail me anytime for other ideas or questions!

Whiskeymarie said...

kirby- I used a recipe I found on once in class and it was delicious- and that is coming from someone who normally isn't a huge tripe fan. Go to the website and search "Trippa alla Romana".
I'd link to it but I forgot how to do it in comments and I'm too lazy to look it up right now. If I think of any others I'll let you know.

Anonymous said...

Dear Chef Awesome:

If I don't learn how to cook really soon, no fella will ever marry this Cinderella ...S.O.S

I'm a slighty used single mom (a.k.a 2/20 year olds out of the house and 1/15 year old girl still at home and one huge stripyy racoon cat) who has forgotten how to cook ... I actually started a fire trying to boil water AND did something that caused the bottoms of the pans to seperate..umm yeah. So I am gratefully taking your advice to Joanna - brown rice etc, and about pans, knives, and pizza...

My real question is: could you please please give us some more "Pimp My Kitchen?" ...I'm living on Progresso Soup and drive thru, I swear.


Renaissance Woman said...

Dear Chef Awesome:

I am trying to cook more often and still eat healthy! The problem is that I often need a quick, easy menu...any suggestions?

Christa said...

dear chef awesome:
how can i do you make really good tofu that is just saturated with flavor? like in a restaurant curry tofu style of meal?

Gwen said...

Dear Chef Awesome:

How did you get to be so awesome?

Yours in McGone,

Whiskeymarie said...

I developed a combination of sass, moxie and gumption that I take with breakfast every day.
That, and my naturally occurring, special brand of awesome that I was blessed with in my DNA.

Awesomely yours in Zibbs-
-Chef Awesome

i am playing outside said...

how much food should i eat in a day?

Dr Zibbs said...

Thanks. I will tell you how it goes.

T said...

Dear Chef Awesome,
I need to fatten up my supply of kitchen tools. What are some beyond basic items I should have on hand? (And add them to my holiday gift list, please.)


Sornie said...

Dear Chef Awesome,

How often should the mountain of dishes be cleaned? We are eating spaghetti with out fingers and dish mountain is covered with some sort of moss.

Whiskeymarie said...

IAPO- I'm no dietitian, but 22,980 calories a day sounds about right to me. The Department of Snack Foods recommends that at least 1/2 of those calories come in "chippy" or "dippy" form.

Actually, I took a few guesses, but it looks like you need 2400-2700 calories a day, toots.

Zibbs- if your oven explodes, it's not my fault, you hear me? NOT MY FAULT!

Maurey- I don't know if you have a food processor or not, but a Cuisinart is one of the best things you can own. I use mine a ton. High-temp rubber spatulas, a high-quality vegetable peeler, sharp knives, a citrus press, and a Kitchen Aid standing mixer are my favorites. I'm not big on "gadgets", though my dear husband seems endlessly fascinated by them. I think that the simplest tools are the best.

Sornie- You have reached what I call "critical mass in dishland". At this point you are dangerously close to breeding new breeds of flesh-eating bacteria in your kitchen. My suggestion: burn the house down, start over. If that isn't an option, get yourself a HAZMAT suit, seal off the kitchen, then go in with a fire hose and a bottle of bleach. It should only take 3-4 hours, tops.

surviving myself said...

Dear Chef Awesome,

How can I convince my fiancee that mac n' cheese with tuna added is a romantic meal?

Forever in your debt,

John said...

Dear Chef Awesome,

How come when I fix a bowl of Cocoa Krispies, there is always milk left in the bowl after all the cereal is gone, and the milk is brown? It was white when I poured in IN the bowl. I don't mind this however, as the milk tastes almost EXACTLY like CHOCOLATE milk, which I think I like better than white milk, yet strangely, I never actually buy chocolate milk. But I think it's awesome that I now know how to MAKE chocolate milk by eating a bowl of Cocoa Krispies. I've heard the saying, "once you go black, you never go back." Did this saying originate from the residual metamorphosed chocolate milk from bowls of Cocoa Krispies?

I'm sure this is your most awesome question ever, and I KNOW your answer will be even more awesome, Chef Awesome!

Thanks Chef Awesome! : )

Patrick said...

Dear Chef Awesome,

I am a Ramen Noodles aficionado and was wondering your opinion on if I should break up the noodles before cooking or just leave them in that square block? Also, what variety of seasoning is the best during the various seasons? Lastly, do you have Old Bay in your neck of the woods?

- Patrick

punchlinewalking said...

Dear Chef Awesomepants,

My husband cooks all our meals but every once in awhile I want be all retro and cook something for him. What's your go to my-husband's-going-to-want-to-jump-my-bones -after-he-eats-this meal?

Forever Indebted,

diatribes and dish said...

Dear Chef Awesome:

Spare ribs are next on my list of things to try ... but I'm not really a ribby-person. I hate gristle. I've never had 'em, should I try 'em or pass?

Oh, and would you ever own a restaurant again?

Thanks! --D&D

Whiskeymarie said...

surviving- serve it on a fancy platter with a glass of champagne and candlelight. If that doesn't work, try molding it into the shape of a heart. If all else fails, lay naked on the table and serve it in a pile on your crotch.

John- Yes.

Punchline- My husband's all-time favorite is risotto with scotch and smoked salmon. It is decadent and delicious and awesome. I make it for his birthday every year, with a salad and cheesecake for dessert. I always get laid on his birthday.

Patrick- I leave the ramen whole, as this aids in the "slurp factor".
I find that chili powder (no salt added) is one of the most versatile seasonings in my pantry. I also like dried thyme as it works in almost every type of dish. In spring & summer I try to use mostly fresh herbs, in the fall & winter I use mostly dried. Basil, oregano, mint, chives, sage, thyme, bay leaves, coriander, you name it- I use them all.
Yes- we have Old Bay here too.

D&D- Try them again- I'm not a "ribby" person either, but when they have been slow cooked for several hours and the meat is almost falling off of the bone, they are delicious.

And, yes, I think I would like to have a restaurant again- I predict that the day the new place opens will coincide with the day my divorce is finalized.

Seriously, though- I am kind of thinking I might do it again in the future (Duluth is my #1 choice of locale, believe it or not), but a lot of pieces would have to fall into just the right place for that to happen. We'll see...

Joanna said...

Thanks very much Whiskey, I'll check out that site and let you know how it goes!

Anonymous said...

Thank you Chef Awesome ... I laughed, cried, and copy/pasted these postings to a WORD doc. I am truly inspired by all your answers and want to give my lonely kitchen some love'n and take it on a honeymoon - forget Prince Charming.

L. (a.k.a. as Cinderella)

JR said...

Hey lady - email me and tell me how to send you a postcard. And by that I mean, WHERE to send, not physical directions. ;-)

T.J. said...

Yeah, what jr said. I got a shot of Whiskey-love in my mailbox yesterday, and I wanna return the favor.....

Tho it will be T.J. love...


lizgwiz said...

Dear C.A.:

I keep meaning to press my own tofu, but about that "clean" dish towel...will a little cat hair impart an extra punch of flavor or no?

My cats seem to think it tastes good--they're always licking themselves. ;)

Whiskeymarie said...

liz- If I didn't ingest cat hair, I don't think I'd ever get any fiber. Think of cat hair on the tofu as just one more step on the road to wellness.

Winter said...

Dear Chef Awesome,

I have been a vegan going on 2 months now. How can I stop craving dead animal carcess?

Forever yours,


Butrfly Garden said...

Dear Chef Awesome:

(Are you still answering?)

I suddenly have a lot of new kitchen supplies that I don't know how to use. Do you have any tips or recipes for a pressure cooker or a grill pan?


Whiskeymarie said...

Winter- Watch meat being "processed". Seeing that almost (almost) made me go veg. Otherwise, eat a LOT of vegan "fake meat" thingies. Eventually you'll stop craving it?

Butrfly- Pressure cookers are great for cooking beans from scratch. Allegedly cooking them that way eliminates the "fart factor". Also, I looked on, and they had 274 pressure cooker recipes, including risotto, lasagna, soups & such.

Grill pans are fab for grilling meats, fish & veggies indoors, just make sure you turn on your kitchen hood/fan or open a window for a bit- sometimes it can get smoky. Also, you can use the pan to make panini sandwiches- just make a sandwich that would heat well, lightly butter the outsides of the bread, put it on the heated grill pan (not too hot- medium heat is good) and weigh the sandwith down slightly with a pan lid or plate. Flip it once, and viola! Panini!

Jocelyn said...

Dear Chef Awesome,

At the last family gathering I made nanner puddin' from scratch - down to the meringe. I did not use a metal bowl and I only had my crappy hand mixer so it was tasty but not very pretty.

Upon serving said puddin' I informed everyone that I would NOT be making this again until I had a Kitchen Aid Stand Mixer. My father actually paid attention to this declaration and so I was gifted with a beautiful KASM in CHROME (swoon!) for my birthday.

So now as the holidays approach and my baking list is huge, I must admit I am somewhat intimidated by the beauty but so grateful I'll have both hands free to double fist adult beverages while slaving away and yelling at myself, "Why did you agree to cook so much!?"

Can you please offer any tips and advise to me while I bust my KASM cherry? And maybe cuddle me after as I will be feeling vunerable?

Also, do I need to perform any special rituals or chants when I apply the flaming skull decals to the KASM? Maybe some sort of special blessing for moist cakes, fabulous cookies and such?


Butrfly Garden said...

whoo-hoo. thanks! My grandma has given me some examples of stuff to cook in the pressure cooker but the "pressure" part freaks me out. Sounds like something I could really hurt myself with.

I can't believe I didn't even think of grilling paninis on the grill pan!