my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET

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I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like


[The year was 2050]

“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”

“There was a time when this was illegal you know”


I think I might have a shower.


Yes, I have a shower.


Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor


Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then


My boss thinks that homosexuality is a disease, so I’m calling in gay tomorrow.


Lettuce is like that friend you only hang out with in a group with other friends.

“Hang out? Who else is coming?Ham? Great. I’ll be there.”


Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.


The laminator is a device that sounds a lot more dangerous to baby sheep than it actually is.