Let Amy Eat Cake

Watch Amy Schumer Drunk-Eat Jake Gyllenhaal’s Princess Cake

She stole it from his freezer while renting out his apartment.

The offscreen activities of famous actors are an ongoing source of public fascination. What do our favorite celebrities do when they’re not being celebrities? Are they all best friends? Do they secretly hate one another? Do they run into each other in separate groups at brunch and just decide to push their tables together even though they don’t know each other super well but it’d be more awkward not to?

Here’s a possibility that we’ve not yet considered: Our favorite celebrities rent out each other’s apartments, then root through each other’s things and eat each other’s frozen birthday cakes. In other words: They are just like us! At least according to Amy Schumer, who, last night, told Stephen Colbert a fabulous tale of squatting, spying and cake-stealing at the apartment of one Jake Gyllenhaal.

It all began when Colbert shared with Schumer that Gyllenhaal would be a guest on his show the following week, then innocently asked the Trainwreck star whether it was true that she’d once lived in Gyllenhaal’s house.

Schumer admitted that she and her sister had once stayed in Gyllenhaal’s two-bedroom apartment for a brief period while the actor was renting it out. And because Schumer is a human woman who found herself inhabiting a space previously occupied by Jake Gyllenhaal, she commenced to ransack.

“I went through all of Jake’s stuff,” she told Colbert. “Of course I did.”

Who among us would not do the very same?

Among Gyllenhaal’s personal belongings, stuffed deep in his freezer: a frozen cake, one that bore the words “happy birthday” and also the words “you are a princess,” one that was “very old” and “not edible.” So, naturally, Schumer got wasted and ate it.

“I would get drunk,” Schumer explained to a highly amused Colbert, “and I would eat it and I would talk as if he were there and I was at the party that the cake was served at.”

Again, who among us would be too proud to drunk-eat Jake Gyllenhaal’s discarded, stale dessert?

By way of proof, Schumer offered a video of herself ingesting the thick slab of cake, directly addressing Gyllenhaal’s (imaginary?) supermodel girlfriend. “It says ‘happy birthday.’ Because it’s your birthday. And you’re a supermodel. And you’re dating Jake Gyllenhaal,” says the drunk Schumer in the clip. “But I am living here. And I am eating this.”

“ ‘You are a princess,’ ” she reads off the cake, before sinking her teeth deep into its aging, frozen flesh. “Yes, I am.”