Bunga-Bunga Party Opens in Tampa

Hurricane force winds are bloviating along the West coast of Florida—and there’s an actual storm headed in the direction of New Orleans. Just when Tampa Bay thought it was safe from Hurricane Isaac, the Grand Old Party is descending on the scene to prepare its battle cry in the War on Women. Soldiers of Fortune have been deployed to the original Hooters restaurant in nearby Clearwater for basic training in figuring out enemy strategy. Despite the one-day cease fire enforced by the manly Isaac, the chauvinist skies above the bikini-clad beaches are filled with Trans-Vaginal Airlines flights that were redirected from their aborted Virginia landing.

These Republicans gathered in Tampa are not your Ronald Reagan GOP. Reagan did everything he could to raise funds for Contras—even if he had to do so illegally—these Republicans want to make funding for Contra-ception illegal. This generation of Republicans wants to restore biblical definitions for terms like “marriage, “rape,” and “women.” At least many have adopted the literate work of a woman, Margaret Atwood, in their effort to create a New Testament definition. Instead of an Equal Rights Amendment, women will soon be offered the Handmaid’s Tale amendment.

Instead of wasting their time on the opinions of women themselves, the GOP is probing its ultrasound policies as a replacement for the Democrat’s Affordable Health Care Act. Under the GOP health care act, fetuses will get all the health care that can be bestowed upon a corporation. As a result, the fetus can grow safely into a person until it is acquired by big business and outsourced into China, or some suitable homeland that will give it the right to acquire a family or grow into the challenge of a sweatshop environment. Current GOP programs that cut off fetuses from support at birth will be continued. “There’s entirely too much regulation in this country,” a GOP delegate admiring a Hooter’s server, remarked. “It’s time we reduce the size of government to the point where it fits into a woman’s uterus.”

Meanwhile, the GOP platform committee is wrapping up work on its platform designed to raise up women to proper chattel status. In addition to its current endorsement of the Todd Aiken/Paul Ryan rape sperm shield amendment that forces young women to valiantly carry the sacred sperm of guests uninvited to their lady parts, the platform may make it illegal for women to vote, own property, or speak back to their husbands. Women who are convicted of violating the proposed law would undergo a historic “trial by ordeal.”  For instance, women who survive fire or drowning would have their innocence restored. “I’m loving it!” said a monkish delegate from Salem, Massachusetts.

Speaking of Massachusetts, the former governor of that state, and the presumptive GOP standard bearer continues to do all that he can to capture the support of the GOP base. Mitt Romney supports his party’s War on Women and its expected social experimentation. As a good Republican, of course, he can not “legitimately define what constitutes a suffragette (er, woman). However, as Romney’s Trans-Vaginal Jet cruised into the gate at Tampa/Saint Petersburg Airport, he was reportedly seen clutching a book by former Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi on How Women Can Avoid Pregnancy by Attending Bunga-Bunga Parties.

Barbara Sehr