[helping my kid with contractions]

Me: Would’ve

Her: Would have

M: Nice. I’ll

H: I will

M: Good. Won’t

H: Won not

M: Excellent

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Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?

Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…


Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.


I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney


[bicycle race]

Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait


Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?


Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.


Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.


Watched Avatar again and long story short, can you untie my ponytail from this horse?


The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.