I read in the paper that young children who watch the cartoon show "SpongeBob SquarePants," or possibly "SquareHead PantsSponge," are less attentive afterwards than kids who spent the same amount of time doing differential calculus.

I've never watched "SquirrelHead SpongeMop," not because I fear the damage it will do to my brain (it's a little late for that) but because I'm old and have yet to master the 5,000-function remote control.

When I was a kid, my friends and I squandered our time watching Warner Bros. cartoons featuring Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd. If our brains hadn't been sufficiently fried by Bugs' antics, we'd watch "The Three Stooges" for an hour or so and then run outside and jab sharp sticks into each others' eyes. This was known as "getting fresh air and exercise."

"HeadShop SquarePeg" may be more harmful to children than the old Roadrunner cartoons, but somehow I doubt it. To this day, I refuse to buy an Acme rocket sled out of fear that it will poop out just as I'm about to grab the Roadrunner and I will plunge 10,000 feet to the bottom of a rocky gorge followed by an anvil to the head. You can call that inattention if you want; I call it self-preservation.

Anyway, things move awfully fast in this day and age to the point that you don't have time to become thoroughly terrified of one thing before another, even more insidious, thing comes along.

Yes, I'm talking about stoner french fries. I read in the paper (there's only one left, you know) that porking out on French fries causes our bodies to release, and I quote, "natural marijuanalike chemicals" that, believe it or not, make a person crave even more french fries. This could explain why people who eat a lot of french fries tend to be indifferent toward the subject of obesity but absolutely fascinated by twinkling lights.

I do not see why McDonald's and other fast-food restaurant chains should be the sole beneficiaries of this discovery. Enterprising entrepreneurs like myself might consider opening cafes that specifically target the consumer who is very interested in stimulating his natural marijuanalike chemicals but wouldn't drink one of those plastic milkshakes if you paid him.

For seating, I'm thinking along the lines of soft, upholstered recliners and a bank of big-screen TVs that can be individually tuned to whatever program the customer desires, with the exception of "CoolBeans SoftScrub," for obvious reasons. An unlimited supply of freshly cooked french fries will be served in buckets bearing names like "Tijuana Transfat" and "Colombian Cholesterol."

I haven't settled on a name for my new restaurant yet but I'm thinking of something along the lines of "Endocannabinoids," which is the name of the chemicals released by a person's digestive system after he or she scarfs down a handful of deep-fried spuds. (OK, OK; the name needs a little work. I'm just brainstorming here.)

Obviously, once word gets out that excessive french-fry consumption causes people to forget what they were going to say next and also stop unnecessarily at green traffic lights, The Government is going to want to regulate the product and impose some sort of tax.

Whether this will be enough to turn our economy around is anybody's guess, but you have to think it would raise more money than taxing reruns of "GreenApple TwoStep."

David Grimes can be reached by e-mail at dvd.grimes@yahoo.com.