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The world is burning, but I think I still deserve to get irrationally mad when I PMS hard, so here’s a list of things that really pissed me off. 

My candle ran out of wax so my apartment stopped smelling like Christmas morning, which was fucking bullshit.

I spent $30 at the fucking grocery store for eggs, bacon, pepperoni, mac and cheese, and cake, this is fucking highway fucking robbery.

Why did I add broccoli to my mac and cheese? It smells like garbage, it tastes like garbage, and I’m not fooling literally anyone with this “adult mac.” I’m a garbage person. I’m a fucking fool if I thought Annie’s organic mac was going to out-satisfy a good ole box of Kraft.


The chocolate cake I bought was too fucking rich. I should’ve gotten the carrot cake, I’m such an idiot.

Why do I have to scroll really fucking far down on Amazon Prime for the “Continued Watching” list? You know what I was just watching in the living room, and now I’m in my bed so just fucking put it right in front of my face.

Why is my comforter way too fucking hot? And opening the window too fucking cold? Why can’t my body be a NORMAL TEMPERATURE?


Why don’t I have enough money to buy more art for my stupid white walls? Why can’t I just order that cool wallpaper I found on Instagram? Oh I know, it’s cause I don’t have the skillset to put up fucking wallpaper, EVEN IF IT IS THE EASY KIND? WHY AM I NOT FUCKING DOMESTICATED?


Why is my orthodontist’s office 822 miles away? This bottom retainer has been broken forever and now I can never get it fixed. Unless I want to hop on a PLANE and go HOME. Orthodontia is a scam.

Omg I don’t know what I’m doing for New Years or tomorrow, stop bringing up irrelevant fucking things and answer my original fucking question: How do you put up FUCKING WALLPAPER?

People need to stop tweeting about how bad Twitter is. Like, we fucking know and we’re all here anyway. Like America.

Why does she have more followers than me? Maybe my boss is right, and I’m not funny.

Katie Novotny

Katie is a comedian and copywriter, living in New York to chase her dreams of becoming the official spokeswoman for Bengay.

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