How do you Play the Inner Game of Confidence?

The Inner Game of Confidence is a funny thing.  Most people would say they lack confidence.  Others might say they need more confidence.  These are the self-deprecating people who feel safer in the shadows and not drawing attention to themselves.  They are quiet and do not want to be the centre of attention.

And then there are those who would say that they are confident to the world, while deep down they also feel like they lack confidence or need more of it.  The world often sees them as confident or even arrogant.  They have learned to be loud, larger than life and out-going because they have been taught that portrays a confident air. Yet inside they might be struggling with confidence just as much as the quiet, self-deprecating people. These people do want to be the centre of attention and will talk over others to get control and be seen.

Rarely will you hear a confident person say they are confident.  Usually, they are getting on with it, making their way in the world and making people feel great in their presence.  They bring about trust and confidence in others.

Historically, I have been in all three places.  We all are at different times.  It can even change many times throughout the day!!!! Being quiet in social situations or work meetings so that I don’t contribute; brash and loud when I feel I have to be more assertive than I feel; or the centred confidence of speaking and acting in my power with calm, presence and ease.

Owning your Greatness

Authentic confidence comes from within- an inner sense that is genuinely YOU!!!

When your confidence shines through, you own your greatness.  There are no self-messages telling you that you are not good enough.  Nor are you plagued with self-doubt or feeling overwhelmed with stress.  In that relaxed and confident state, you are using your talents, skills and qualities in service of others…………. and it feels great!!!!!  It’s like you know you are here to do this thing you are doing, and you are living it, right now in this moment. I wrote a blog about this called The Little Signs of Greatness.

Many years ago, on the way to a martial arts seminar, 2 of the three vehicles we were travelling in broke down.  Throughout the experience, I was calm, confident and assured that we would still get to the seminar and be able to return home the same day.  In amongst other people’s frustration, doubt and fear, I held the group together.  We all attended a remarkable seminar and made the 300-mile return trip home in good spirits.  I did not allow the fear, doubt and anxiety to stem the flow of my own confidence, and so I was able to resolve every challenge, conflict and obstacle.  I felt alive, empowered and confident.  And my leadership qualities flowed naturally from me as a result.

The Inner Game of Confidence

This is an example of the Inner Game of Confidence playing out.  In the face of adversity, keeping an eye on the goal and managing my stress and anxiety, I found the inner resilience to creatively resolve the problems we faced. From this confident state, I had access to all the answers I needed.  And when we did not have the solution to hand, we created a solution that worked for the benefit of all.  And I say “we” because my confidence had a positive and stabilising effect on the others, and we co-created the solutions together.

By contrast, when I cannot manage the fear and anxiety, I am less resourced and resilient and so I feel less confident.  As part of my coaching training, we would sometimes practice coaching sessions in front of the class and the teachers.  On the days when my confidence was low, I would never volunteer to do these coaching demonstrations.  When I was a little more confident, I might volunteer- if I couldn’t self-manage well, the coaching was poor, but when I could manage myself more effectively, the fear and doubt disappeared, my confidence grew, and the coaching went well.  And when I was confident, I always volunteered, and the coaching was great- as long as I continued to self-manage the fear, doubt and anxiety if I felt it crop up.

How to Play the Inner Game

In martial arts, you are training to deal with an inherently stressful situation- someone trying to harm you.  You learn the technical skills of self-defence.  This I call the outer game.  But there is a second track called the inner game, which is all about your innate confidence.  Without that, you cannot perform the technical skills of self-defence.  The stress, anxiety and fear will tighten you up physically and mentally.  You won’t remember what to do.  This is why the inner game is SO important.

The inner game works like this:

  1. Know your stuff
  2. Stand confident
  3. Breathe
  4. Focus on the other
  5. Practice

So, let’s take each one in turn:

Know your Stuff

Yes, you’ve got to know your stuff.  But what skills and knowledge do you need for the situation?  A small hand of basic martial arts techniques is all you need to defend yourself, so get to know the basics and work on the inner game so that you can do them with confidence and under pressure.  Public speaking? Know your material and learn the skills of delivering to a crowd and all the while, working on the inner game of confidence. Winging it in a meeting? Know your onions and learn the art of spontaneous, creative improvisation.  You get the idea…… you want to know enough and learn the art of what you are doing as well as cultivate your confidence from the inside out

Stand Confident

It is only possible to be confident if you stand in your power.  Feet shoulder width a part, arms down by your sides, tongue and belly relaxed, looking straight ahead and focusing forward, breathe deep.  Standing this way brings out the qualities of being ready, engaged, connected, interactive, light, adaptable, aware, focused.  Practice it now.  Here’s a video for you to work with:

Martial arts teach you to stand this way for stability, strength and readiness for combat.  When public speaking, stand tall and take up the space of the stage.  Look at the audience.  Breathe to them so that your voice carries and commands authority.


Sounds obvious I know.  But, under pressure, so many people hold their breath or breathe from the upper chest, which promotes anxiety.  When you stand confident, it promotes belly breathing.  This encourages calm, deep, slow breathing which increases your confidence.  It also gives you plenty of air from which to speak with confidence, authority and carries your voice.

Focus on the other

Often, focusing on you alone makes you less confident.  It becomes all about you and your fear, anxiety and doubt.  Once you’re standing confident and breathing calmly, sense your inner strength that runs up and down your spine and is grounded at your centre (a couple of inches below your belly button which the Japanese call the Hara and the Chinese the lower Dan T’ien).  Now, project forward.  As far as you can go, like your blowing up a large balloon.  Fill the space as much as you can.  A more advanced alternative is to project in all directions, as if you are standing in the centre of the balloon and make that as big as possible.  For some reason, this gets rid of the overwhelming nervous feeling I get when speaking in public for example.

It has the advantage of connecting you with your audience.  Whether its an audience of one or a hundred, or a thousand, this projection has the impact of creating empathy, connection and trust that builds confidence in both directions.


Practice and make it fun! I don’t know about you, but I enjoy practising things if they are fun.  Make practice, to let your inner confidence flow, a game.  Have some fun with friends and family standing in your power.  Try it with your kids and see their confidence grow.  Tell stories, share hopes and dreams, recount your day while standing (or sitting) in your power.  What difference does it make?  Are you more articulate, more sincere?  Do you listen better? Practice with work colleagues by the water cooler or when you give or receive feedback.  Are you more focused on the other person?

Practice breathing while you’re sitting in traffic, or on hold, or waiting for the computer to boot up. For some, belly breathing is more challenging because you are out of practice. Here is a good video for building that skill.

I’ll be running a workshop on February 6th, 2020, covering these topics and more in a practical, interactive and experiential way. We’ll be looking at how cultivating the inner game allows you to be more confident- authentically, powerfully and in a truly embodied way.  You’ll find more information here.

Over to You

How confident do you feel? What knocks your confidence? How do you get it back? How did the tips in this blog change things for you? What other methods work for you?  I’d love to hear your experiences and if I can help in any way, please get in touch.

Life Purpose- find Motivation and Inspiration for your life work

Do you lack motivation? Is inspiration missing in your life? Are you lacking the clarity in your focus to move decisively along your path? Or is that indecision only highlighted when you change course? Do you find yourself frustrated following the paths of others? Yet when you put your mind to it, you cannot think of what it is that YOU want to do? If you can say “Yes” to any of these questions, perhaps it is a question of gaining clarity on your life purpose.

Life Purpose that Lights you up

Life Purpose is your North Star on the Life Coaching journey

Does life purpose seem like such a big and grand topic? For many it feels overwhelming. For others the question of life purpose leads to blank stares or rolling eyes. Yet the benefit of gaining clarity on life purpose leads to a context in which important decisions can be made with insight, conviction and the confidence that this is what YOU want. Not goals imposed upon you externally that do nothing to light you up from within. You also have greater confidence that you are moving your life forward in a meaningful and fulfilling direction. Or at least as confident as you can be.

Life purpose does not mean you have all the answers. A ball park is a good start. A rough guide will do. You can fine tune as you go. In fact, you will need to fine tune as you go as you see things in keener detail the closer you get.

For many years I have loved helping people lead more fulfilling lives. Initially that involved martial arts and the self- development aspect that mental focus and intention bring. Now I include co- active coaching, giving more empowerment to clients than ever before to take responsibility for their actions and decisions. Mind and body focused on deeply resonating outcomes make for an awesome combination. As my skill base has grown so my capacity to help others more deeply has increased.

Life Purpose- A Joyful Exploration

So how do you turn life purpose into a joyful exploration that empowers and motivates rather than overwhelms and leads to resignation? In the co- active model there is a process near the beginning of the coaching called the Discovery Session. This is a powerful process of gaining clarity about the things that are deeply meaningful to you so that these can be present to you in the coaching. It is fun, exciting, revealing, illuminating, inspiring, surprising and full of learning.  It reveals to you your North Star so that you can navigate clearly through your life coaching journey.

Losing sight of these parts of your life that bring fulfilment and purpose mean you may drift aimlessly or live in pursuit of less meaningful goals. Perhaps you know that feeling already? Is it time to stop? Are you ready to take charge?

By answering questions such as “What do you really want?” and “Look ahead six months. Where are you? What decisions would you make today to get there?” you can create a compelling vision that gives you energy and momentum, inspiring you to take meaningful action as part of your every day life. And you keep revisiting this and checking in with it throughout the coaching to make sure it is accurate, relevant and on purpose.

This is not about doing more. This is about doing different, thinking different and being different. It is about holding to that vision. Stop doing the things that detract from that vision and start doing more of the things that make that vision a reality.

Leading from Within

Very often I notice that clients are following a path set out by other people. Rarely if ever have they questioned what they truly want. What deeply motivates them from within that will enable them to live and work with passion, power and fire? When you lead yourself from within, stepping out into the world and leading others becomes so much clearer and a natural expression of your values.

Then, every step you take is fulfilling. Every decision and action is infused with meaning. You gain greater focus. You walk with more purpose. In your body you feel more energised, vital, directed and engaged. There is less room for playing small. And if you do play small you are more likely to be aware of it and more empowered to take action to live and act in your power.

Taking Responsibility

Co- active life coaching and Mindful Movement are designed to give the power and responsibility back to you. In so doing you achieve greater freedom- physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Yes, life purpose can be seen as a big subject, too large to tackle. But, by breaking it down into fun manageable steps it becomes an exciting vision that can infuse and inspire every area of your life. You are a constantly evolving being. Recruiting all your resources, energies and potential becomes much easier when you are clear about what you want your life to be about and make a commitment to achieve it.

All this talk scares some people. I appreciate that. To think of breaking free of the life that makes you feel safe and comfortable can be scary. But, are you at all dissatisfied, curious about what more life can be, what more you are capable of achieving? If so, this is another way of saying you wish to be more fulfilled in your life. If you want to feel that sense of fulfilment instantly, keep feeling it and enjoy the sense of purpose that comes with it, then perhaps you are ready to take the step into life coaching and learn more about your true potential.

Over to You

Do you feel dissatisfied? Are you curious about what more life has to offer? What more are you capable of achieving? Are you clear about what your life purpose is? If so, how does it inform your choices and decisions? Have you had to take a dramatic change in focus or direction in your life? What was that like to reorient yourself to a new purpose and goals? I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences. Please post below in the comments box or engage on social media about this post or any others on the Potentiality Coaching blog.

Pass it on

Why not share this blog or the posts and tweets for it with friends, family and colleagues? It might spur them on to take bold action and live with more fulfilment and a clear sense of life purpose.

The Power of Yes

When you say “yes” to things that empower, you are saying “I am worthy” and “I believe that I am good enough”.

Yin  and Yang of ” Yes” and “No”

This month’s blog is about “yes” and the power it can have in our lives. Everything works in balance. Last month’s blog we discussed “no”. Each time we say “no” to something we are also saying “yes” to something else. This balance is brought to light by Yin and Yang, the ancient Taoist concept of balance. It also illustrates how the birth of something is rooted in its opposite. “Yes” and “no” are an ideal example.

The Power of “Yes”

The things we say “yes” to have the potential to enhance us, diminish us and hold our lives in stagnation.


Very often we will say “yes” to things that keep our lives on the same path. We choose to do the same things, go to the same places, learn ideas that agree with our world view and mix with the same people. There is nothing wrong with this. It may be very powerful and rewarding to do things like this that keep us moving forward. It is when we stagnate that these things no longer serve us. This may be because we may be afraid to change. We choose to say “yes” to them to stay comfortable and unchallenged.

Actions that diminish us

We may say “yes” to things that diminish us because we think we are unworthy or undeserving. We may have that cigarette or that ice cream that we know are bad for our health. We’ll have them anyway even though it engrains habits not supportive of our health, dreams and success. This sabotaging behaviour can be tackled head on with coaching, supported by a strong and clear vision of goals. Saying “yes” to friends and family that do not support our growth can also be a challenge to our success.

Behaviour that empowers us

It is when we say “yes” to success that life moves into fulfilment and purpose. When we say “yes” to health and wellness we say “no” to cigarettes and cream cakes. When we commit to family we take time to be with them, nurture them and grow with them and “no” to always prioritising other things. This consistent and persistent behaviour moves our lives towards success the way we choose to define it. With that clear focus we can sometimes deviate from the path chosen. When we do we do so mindfully and we are not deviated from our overall goals.


There are times, however, when you say “yes” because you feel you should or perhaps because you can’t say “no”. Therefore you do not experience the power of an authentic “yes”. Neither does the person you are saying it to.

You may also feel disempowered by saying an unauthentic “yes” trapping you into a series of activities that feel progressively less comfortable and pleasing to do. You squirm as you do each thing wishing you hadn’t said “yes” in the first place.

I have been guilty of saying “yes” simply because I do not want to let people down by saying “no”. I have hoped people will like me for saying “yes” to every request. I used to get roped into things that I didn’t want to do, resenting myself and others as a result. It was really stressful.

The Power of “Yes”

When I began to say an empowered and confident “no”, I had found self respect and could tell people respected my answer. They do not like me less or think less of me. People appreciated the honesty. I was saying “yes” to my own boundaries, self respect and well- being. I could relax into myself and felt more confident.

Saying “yes”‘ is also about you. When you say “yes” to things that empower you it sends a strong message to your psyche. It says “I am worthy” and “I believe that I am good enough”.

Over to You

The next time you have choice, think about what you are saying “yes” to. Is this serving you? Could there be a better way? Are you thinking about the bigger picture if your life context and what you like to achieve? If so does it make it easier to say “yes” with confidence, power and authenticity?

Pass it on

Will you say “yes” to passing this blog on to someone you know? It may get them thinking about what choices they are making and what direction they’re taking. Who knows where that might lead?

Read more

Being in Your Own Skin

Do you feel comfortable in your own skin?

Do you feel comfortable in your own skin? Are external validation and seeking praise from others things you wish for? Does your confidence sink or rise on whether you are accepted? Would you not speak your mind for fear of being ostracised?  Is conformity a driver for you or is expressing your uniqueness more important?

The expression “being in my own skin” speaks to me of authenticity. I think there is a powerful force in human nature that challenges authenticity and that is the need for conformity.


From an early age we conform to family values, patterns and behaviours so that we fit in and feel like we belong to our tribe, the group that raises us, protects us and nurtures us. We fit in to ensure that we are loved and looked after.

Later on we go to school and learn to conform to school rules and playground rules so that we have friends, feel safe and become an accepted member of the community. If we do not fit in with the majority, we find a minority to be with. If we cannot be accepted by some group or other we can feel lonely, ostracised and isolated.

This dynamic plays out in our working life as well. As a result, we try hard to conform, work long and hard hours to be accepted by the boss, manager and team. We seek acceptance from those we are surrounded by.

Throughout our lives it is an important dynamic. For all its benefits, there is one huge cost conformity may make us pay: the expression of our unique voice.

Your Unique Voice

In denying our true thoughts and feelings so that we can fit into some group or clique or other, we do not listen to ourself and do not take the time to understand our motivations, feelings and urges. We become a stranger to ourself and do not know what we believe and value at our very core. We feel lost in a crowd, alone at a party of friends unable to explain why we feel as we do when to the outside world we appear to have all we desire.

External conformity can lead to internal estrangement. When people reach a crisis point in their lives it is often a catalyst to looking inward and discovering what we truly think and believe. Much of the inner transformational work is understanding this process and finding your unique voice as part of that journey.

Suddenly, you come to an understanding as to your true self and feel happy expressing your deep thoughts regardless of the crowd. It becomes important to say what you think and feel rather than fit in with the crowd. For some it marks the beginning of a new career, hobby or even a new relationship. For many self- employed people, it is the drive of their unique voice that inspires them to step into the unknown and do what they love, confident in the knowledge that doing what brings them joy will bring with it the motivation, determination and love that will make it a success.

Some people will not like the change in you. Others will love it and many will accept it. At least they see the real you rather than a false image. At least you can express the real you too rather than hide behind a mask.

Comfortable in your own skin

The bottom line is that you feel comfortable in your own skin. A peace and certainty comes over you as well as a confidence. No amount of conformity will allow that. What little confidence and certainty conformity may bring is short lived because you are always measuring yourself against an ever- changing external benchmark. It is the difference between external validation which the conformed seeks and internal validation which the authentic seeker longs for.

If you are happy within yourself then you can weather the storm of those that disagree and do not support you. When you are confident in your own skin, the line from Rudyard Kipling’s poem “If” rings true: “If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster, And treat those two imposters just the same …….. You’ll be a man my son”. It is not a question of manhood for this applies to men and women, young and old. It is a quality of selfhood, the challenge to be all that you can be and fulfil you true potential.

Over to You

As ever I would love to hear from you and discover your experiences of becoming comfortable in your own skin.  Do you feel comfortable being yourself?  What is it like for you being on that journey?  Do you struggle feeling comfortable in your own skin?  Please share your experiences so that other people can gain motivation, consolation and inspiration from your words.  It might make all the difference in the world to someone you never meet and inspire them to take the step that makes them feel happy to be themselves.

Pass it on

Please pass on this blog to anyone who you feel would benefit from it. If you’ve come across the blog while browsing, why not sign up to the monthly newsletter here and receive an e- mail straight into your inbox with a link to the most recent blog as well as news from the world of Potentiality Coaching.  If you would like to receive a free confidence e- course you can sign up to that  here.

Embodied Confidence

What is embodied confidence?

Have you ever felt the confusion of not knowing how you feel about something? Do you sometimes feel blank when events happen?  When someone asks you how you feel, are you able to tell them?  Do you try to work it out in your head and draw a blank?  Do you experience strong feelings sometimes and find yourself unable to find the words to express them? Embodied confidence can give you insight into all of these questions.


We are emotional creatures, capable of experiencing powerful emotions ranging from profound love to deep hatred and everything in between. Often however, we become cut off from these emotions.  This can lead to us feeling numb, confused and disconnected from our self and others.  Reconnecting the relationship between mind and body, enables us to express the feelings the body experiences.  Then we can name, share, acknowledge them and move forward in maturity and fulfilled living.  When we become competent at this process, we are moving into embodied confidence.  It allows the on- going process of dealing with things as they come up in our lives and managing them in a mature and constructive manner.

Mind- Body Connection

Your body is the instrument that interacts with the world and creates feelings that are interpreted by the mind. Either we allow these feelings to flow in healthy expression or they become bottled up and we express them in unhealthy and sometimes destructive ways.  It is these feelings that we embody and express through emotion either constructively or destructively.  Awareness of what is happening in the body allows us to develop and use a vocabulary over time.  It permits us to show compassion, empathy, understanding, patience, love, intimacy and honesty in an open and authentic way.  It also allows us to safely express our anger, disappointment, frustration and vulnerability.  To be confident and strong in oneself is to be so in mind and body, the two are inseparable and go hand in hand.

What is strength?

I was brought up in a way that discouraged boys and men to show their emotions. As a result, it was thought of as showing strength when you showed no emotion unless it was a mild happiness.  Strong emotion of any kind was frowned upon.  Perhaps you can relate to that?  Yet, it is well acknowledged now that it requires great strength to show your emotions and requires little personal investment to hide how you feel.  What is important is that you choose an appropriate time to share them.  Ensure you share with the appropriate people.

In fact, the cost of smothering your emotions is vast. People tend to lack trust in those people that do not share their emotions.  This includes spouses and children to work colleagues at all levels.  Sharing your emotions engenders trust.  It is considered a powerful leadership quality whether you lead large teams at work or you are part of a small family team.  I am not suggesting regular bouts of tears or profound confessions.  Rather an honest sharing of how you feel to the people that matter or would benefit from hearing about how you feel.  It is this honesty that engenders trust.  A real self- awareness and inner strength are required to face that process.

The effects of stifled emotions

It is a very different way of being from the 1950s man who cannot own up to being a little nervous about public speaking or showing how sad he feels at the death of a loved one.  Locking it away does not require strength.  It shows a fear of facing the pain and an unwillingness or inability to do so.  Fear is OK.  Not facing it is a disservice to you and the people that love and want to respect you.  The consequences to your health are also severe.  Stored up emotion can be the cause of many stress related illnesses such as stroke, cardio- vascular disease, anxiety and depression as well as cancer, IBS, many skin complaints, fibromyalgia and more.

How does embodied confidence feel?

Embodied confidence is a new way of being for many people. It is that awareness of one’s inner state in this moment that allows you to be mindful of how you feel and be able to manage it skilfully, compassionately and powerfully.  It will improve the quality of your relationship with yourself and others as well as your health and well- being.  For me, embodied practice helps to give me more confidence.  I am more aware of how I feel each moment and so I am better equipped to walk into situations with more confidence.  It is not necessary to know every detail.  A further ability is to be able to adapt when things change or require flexibility.  I am better able to remain calm when before situations would have made me more anxious and stressed.  Generally, I am more relaxed, less stressed and more at ease.

I am grateful to the many embodied confidence teachers I have had over the years.  I’m proud to be able to share it for the benefit of others.  This includes life coaching, meditation, Moving Meditation and martial arts, all of which require some degree of embodied practice.

Over to you

Please share in the comments box below you experiences of living both aware and unaware of your feelings. How has this affected your embodied confidence?  What does it feel like?  How do you react?  What do you do to remain aware of your feelings and emotions?  What would you change in your life today to live with more awareness of your embodied confidence?

Pass it on

If you think this article would be of value to someone you know, why not pass it on? I would really appreciate it and so would they.  Also, you can find similar exercises and more in a free e- course on confidence available here (

How can I be authentic?

Use your authenticity to animate the masks you wear for roles you have in life

Authenticity is an essential part of confidence. If you’re going to be confident, then surely you want to be confidently your self, not some constructed mask you imagine you should be or others expect you to be? What is authentically you? How can you allow that to shine through and at the same time be professional, mother, father, partner, friend, colleague etc?

When I work with clients I notice they are at their most animated, powerful and confident when they are being their self. They speak about what they are passionate about in a way that expresses that passion. Consequently, they use words, gestures, body positions and energy that uniquely expresses them. When you tap into that, it animates the mask of professional, father, daughter and partner with your own authentic energy and power.

The Power of Masks

Some people feel more comfortable hiding behind a mask that does not show their real self. I understand that.  To leave your self feeling vulnerable can be very threatening, particularly when life experience teaches you that vulnerability leads to pain, suffering and humiliation.  Some people think they have to be a particular way, fit into a mould because that is the way it should be done.  Perhaps it has always been done that way?  I understand that.  To break with tradition can be threatening, challenging and can lead to change.  Perhaps you don’t have the confidence to do it your way, so you play it safe using other people’s methods.

When I started teaching martial arts, I basically copied my teacher. I did the best to do it the way he did it.  It got good results, even though I felt a conflict inside that I had to be a certain way.  In time I have learned to modify the model, so that my authenticity shines through in the role that I play.  It is a choice.  John Grinder and Richard Bandler, the co- creators of NLP (Neuro- Linguistic Programming), studied the qualities of people with success and found a way to get people to embrace those qualities and at the same time be their authentic selves.  Learning from others is essential, yet you want to take the time to integrate the learning so that you can be you.

How do you access that power and potency?

This is what I have observed:

  1. Be honest. How you feel about something is powerfully authentic. Be mindful how you express those feelings. Needless expression that upsets others is not your best self. Find a way to express your experience of things that shows your human- ness. Your life is full of joy, pain, fear, moments of pride and so much more. Share that.
  2. Live passionately. Find the things that light you up inside. It doesn’t have to be about your career, it can be about any aspect of your life. Passion in one area leaks into all areas. And for those areas that you struggle to find passion in, try and find or create at least one aspect that allows you to feel and express your authentic passion. If that doesn’t work, let the passion from the other areas of your life flood in. That will help to get you through.
  3. Know thyself. This ancient aphorism has challenged people throughout time. Yet, if you can go through the process of getting to know where your strengths and weaknesses lie, you begin to accept your full self and develop a handle on your authenticity. Play to your strengths and work on developing the other areas of your character. Dr. Martin Seligman, a key researcher in Positive Psychology, speaks about working with your innate strengths as a way of developing happiness in your life.  Conversely, all the other qualities you need to do your job well or be a great parent or partner, you want to nurture, along with your innate strengths.
  4. Be brave. It takes courage to be authentically you. To be visible and vulnerable can be a real challenge. Even to be honest with your self can be hard.       To do so in front of others can be tough. Yet, in my experience, people appreciate and respect you for your vulnerability because they know how brave you have been to be so authentic. The experience can be quite liberating as you step out from behind the false façade and show the truth.
  5. Practice. Like a sapling or a shoot, the first tentative steps in growth can leave you feeling weak and exposed. As you push through the process and continue to grow in this way, you grow in strength, confidence and belief.  You have all the qualities required to live the life you want on your terms. Those qualities you don’t have and you require, you will learn your self.  Or you will bring someone else in to do it for you. In that you become a leader.

Call to action

So on the eve of this new year, please consider your authenticity and share it with the world. Humanity does not need a clone of another person, it needs you.  It wants you to be your greatest and fullest self.  You can contribute something magnificent and unique to the world.  You are doing it already (for more see The Little Signs of Greatness).  I invite you to embrace that and share in your greatest in 2017 and beyond.

Over to You

How do you show up? How are you authentic in the world?  Do you struggle with authenticity?  If there was one authentic act you would do this year, what would it be?  As ever, I would love to hear from you as you offer your experience, advice and thoughts on claiming and expressing your authenticity to create an on- line resource for people who are sharing the journey you are on.  If you know of anyone who would enjoy and benefit from this blog please pass it on.  You can also sign up to the Potentiality Coaching monthly newsletter to get news, views and ideas from the world of Potentiality Coaching.  Also, you can sign up for my new Confidence e- course which is free and full of exercises, resources and videos to help you do the work to grow in confidence.  You can sign up here.

Happy New Year!!!!!!

How do I get over my nerves?

Nerves are a green light, not a red one, a sign that your body is getting ready to deliver on something, perform well & do the best it can.


Do you let nerves get in the way? When nervousness strikes, is that a green light or a red light? Do you see nerves as bad or that something is wrong? Are nerves something only people lacking confidence feel? Are confident, powerful people without fear?

Nerves are something I have struggled with for many years and many of my clients find that too. For a long time I thought nerves were a bad sign, a red light, telling me to stop, when in fact they can be a green light, a signal that you are on the right lines, that you are doing something important, significant and meaningful.

Threats of the modern world

Let’s look at what the biology tells us about nerves and fear. At a primal level, your brain is programmed to do one of two things.  Either to move towards something that brings benefit and pleasure or to move away from something that is dangerous and may harm you.  In the caveman’s world, this was the difference between survival and extinction.  In the modern world, there are shades of grey that the brain finds difficult to distinguish.  When you feel threatened by something, no matter what it is, your brain kicks in this primal programming to stay and fight, or to run away.

Yet, there are many situations that may feel threatening in the modern world that you neither need to stick around and fight over, nor run away from, even though your brain and body might be reacting that way. Now it comes down more to what you perceive as threat, so that you have choice over how you respond.

What is that nervous feeling?

“Nerves” is a common name used to describe a physiological response to threat. Clammy hands, racing heart, quickened breath and a sick feeling, are common symptoms.  Usually you experience these when you feel at risk or threatened.  You are about to:

  • have a challenging conversation with someone
  • step on stage and perform
  • speak in public
  • compete in a competition
  • give someone bad news

Will you make mistakes, make a fool of your self or fail? People may think badly of you, dislike or hate you, think you unprofessional or incompetent? Will you be laughed at, ridiculed or even humiliated?  All legitimate fears, worries and concerns based on previous experience.

Something that to a greater or lesser extent, we all experience, no matter how seasoned, no matter how confident. I have always been intrigued by the fact that performers of all kinds say that they are nervous before they go on stage and that makes them perform better.  Without nerves, their delivery is flat.  So what is that?

What are nerves telling you?

I believe that this thing that makes you nervous is important to you. It is important to get it right.  Your body is doing whatever it can to help you with that.  Nerves is a sign that your body is getting ready to deliver on something, perform well and do the best it can.  So please do not think this is a bad sign, it is a great sign.  This is the green light you want.  Now you want to learn how to manage that feeling so that you don’t let it take over.

Here are 7 suggestions that work for me. There are many more so don’t see this as a definitive list.  Look around for your own answers and above all, learn from experience.

  1. Prepare your self adequately. Do your best to prepare what you are delivering. If it is speaking in public, know your subject, having practiced many times before (don’t learn a script word for word though- more on that later). Is it a challenging conversation?  Rehearse it as best you can, be aware of the key points. If it’s a competition, knowing your routine, knowing you’re fit enough, strong enough and capable is essential.
  2. Deliver with authenticity. Speak and perform from the heart in a way that feels like you. There is nothing worse than trying to be someone or something you are not. Even actors connect to their own authentic experience when portraying a character or an emotion. Do not regurgitate a script, know what you want to say and then speak spontaneously. More of your genuine self will come across and people will see the real you.
  3. You won’t please everyone. Not all people will like your message. Of course it hurts when you become aware of it. Don’t let that contribute to the nerves. I have heard that in any audience, you will have a 40%, 40%, 20% breakdown of people: 40% will love what you’re saying before you start; 40% are open and can be won over and; 20% will disagree. The figures may vary, but in essence there will be those that do not agree with your view. Know that and allow it to be OK.
  4. Managing how far this situation takes you out of your comfort zone can help you control nerves. I have written about this before. The rule is, playing it safe never produces nerves and so never your best performance. Pushing too far out of your comfort zone rarely brings great results.   Only by managing your self just outside your comfort zone will you challenge your self enough to get the best from your self.
  5. How does your body help you deliver your best results? I am a physical person.  Doing martial arts for over 25 years, my body likes to move. I find clarity and stillness in movement. Often when I speak in public or brainstorm ideas in a meeting, I am moving and it helps my mind create answers and perform well. When I am listening to others such as when I am coaching, it works better for me to be still, allowing me to be receptive. These are two of the ways my body helps me. I know other people who have to be still to be creative and brainstorm ideas- it is as if the stillness of their body allows them to be become aware of what is happening in their minds. I do not work that way. It can be helpful with nerves to recognise the strategies you can use with your body to help deliver.
  6. Get going. Just start. So often the anticipation of something is more nerve racking than the event itself. Once you get into the flow, the nerves take a back seat. You might be aware of them in the background and they may come to the fore from time to time. If so, have ways to get you back on track. Use bullet points to remind you and other memory aids. I find transparency helps a lot as well. Just own up to the fact that the nerves have got the better of you and that can have a calming effect.
  7. Have conviction in what you are saying or doing. You have the right to be heard and seen. Your opinion is as valid as anyone else’s. One of the voices of your saboteur is to question “Who the hell are you to say……?” This makes you nervous as you move towards self- doubt. Yet the truth is by speaking or acting with authenticity and having belief in what you are saying or doing or being, you are fully justified in being there and saying your piece.

Over to you

What is your experience of managing your nerves? How have these points helped you in dealing with your feelings of nervousness?  What other suggestions would you add?  As ever, I would love to hear from you so please post your comments in the box at the bottom of the page.  By sharing your experience, you can contribute to an on- line resource that can support people as they learn to manage their nerves and overall confidence.

Pass it on

If you liked what you read here, why not pass it on to a friend? You can sign up to the monthly blog newsletter here and receive one e- mail a month in your in- box via MailChimp and be one of the first to receive the monthly blog and news in the world of Potentiality Coaching.

Different Perspectives

Sometimes seeing a situation from a different perspective can be really freeing

Sometimes seeing a situation from a different perspective can be really freeing

Learning comes from many sources.  It is the key to finding new perspectives to situations.  This in turn leads to self -growth.

Recently I was preparing for a presentation and getting increasingly stressed and anxious about the event.  The effect on my body felt like an inward and downward spiral, compounding the effects.  Then I remembered a TED talk by Kelly McGonigal.  She speaks about viewing stress differently.   How the stress response is actually preparing your body to perform better.  It’s reaching out for help and support, so that you can be the best you can be.  Instantly I felt the sensation of overwhelm fall away.  There was still stress, the pressure of performing.  Now it was without the overwhelming feeling of this inward and downward spiral.  I felt freer to prepare and perform.

Is it the “Situation” or the “Problem”?

Sometimes seeing a situation from different perspectives can be really freeing.  The facts have not changed, your view of them has.  I am often reminded that there is learning everywhere, if only I am receptive to it.  Very often, there will be a situation in my life and I will see it as a problem.  I may even focus on the symptoms and think they are the problem.  With each step, I am getting further away from the core of the learning that is available.  The word “situation” is neutral, less emotional and easier to handle.  “Problem” begins to apportion blame.  Focusing on “symptom” simply creates a smoke screen of denial and confusion.

What is the learning?

There are reasons I have arrived at this situation, qualities that I bring that have led to this outcome.  I may love the situation I am in and the outcomes- that is great.  I have mastered the creation of that particular situation- there is no learning here, just the experience of the connections I have created.  Immersing myself in this is important, for it powers this moment and builds the energy of my life.

If I do not like the situation or think it could be better, what can I do to improve it?  How can I view it differently to see more of the benefits?  What can I learn about myself, others and what it takes to build events in my life?  Blame and smoke screens, “problem” and “symptom”, separate me from myself and the moment, leaving me to feel diminished and disempowered.

Practice seeing a different view

May I suggest an alternative?  Pick a situation.  It doesn’t matter what it is.  Play around at viewing it from different stand- points.  How might other people there see it?  What would people who were not there say about it?  What new skills could you learn that might make for a better outcome?

There is no blame here, simply learning.  By looking at it this way you are connecting with yourself and the learning available in that moment, being honest and establishing your next possible area of growth and development.  This way of thinking means you are taking responsibility for your life and the outcomes of your actions.  It is a self empowering process that keeps you real and watchful.

People feel this honouring of responsibility.  They may not agree, but they will recognise your authenticity.  This will show in a myriad of subtle ways, building bridges of connection between you and your family, friends and colleagues.

Taking your place in the world starts from within.

Your turn………

I’d love to hear from you.  Please share your stories of life’s situations and how you turned them into opportunities for growth and learning in the comments section at the bottom of the page.  Many thanks for reading the blog and contributing to making this an empowering, supportive and learning environment.

And why not………..

If you found this article useful and interesting please pass it on to other people you think would be interested and spread the word.  I would really appreciate it.  And if you are new to Potentiality Coaching, why not sign up to the e- mailing list at and get an e- mail straight to your in box when I post my monthly blog and be first to hear about news, information and insights at Potentiality Coaching.  I’d love to have you be part of the community.