Massachusetts Tries To Pass A Law Which Makes It Illegal To Call Someone A “Bitch” Unless That Someone Happens To Be A Dog

National Review: On Tuesday, Massachusetts legislators considered a bill that would criminalize certain uses of the word “bitch” — making it punishable by up to six months in jail or a fine up to $200.

The bill, introduced a month ago by state Democratic representative Dan Hunt, states that “a person who uses the word ‘bitch’ directed at another person to accost, annoy, degrade or demean the other person shall be considered to be a disorderly person” and would be guilty of a criminal offense punishable by “a fine of not more than either $150 or $200, or jail time of up to six months.” The offense could be reported not only by the person being called a bitch, but also a third-party witness.

First, I’ve never really understood fining someone who is going to jail or prison for a substantial amount of time. You always hear about some guy getting sentenced for twenty years and also “may face a $10,000 fine.” You think a guy who just spent the last two decades in prison is going to walk out the doors, remember the fine, and start patting his pockets going “oh, now what have I done with my checkbook?” The fine should be kind of lumped in with the fact that, you know, he just spent the last twenty years eating gruel while keeping both his head and his asshole on a swivel.

Anyway, the democrats are pushing a bill (instead of doing actual work to improve the lives of citizens) which would make it illegal to call someone a “bitch” in this, the great state of Massachusetts. Now, there is a gray area here, with regards to determining what is, and what isn’t, an insult. For example, let’s say some stupid fuck continues looking down at their phone when the light turns green, and you’re behind them now wondering if you’re going to make this light. Unlike the old days, you will no longer be able to put your head out the window and yell “step on the gas, you stupid bitch!” Under this new law, I guess that one would technically be considered annoying and/or demeaning, but not nearly as annoying as missing the light because that bitch was texting. Conversely, now when you meet an old friend out in public and say “sup, bitch?”, that one you can still do, because you did not intend to insult this person. However, please note that people within earshot may have their feelings hurt. What’s more, even ‘if’ you are being chummy with your friend, who has always welcomed “sup, bitch?” as a proper greeting, other citizens will now be able to intrude on your personal conversations to determine whether or not you meant to use the term “bitch” as an insult this time around. Not mentioned in the law is how any of these kinds of conversations will be handled, so we have taken the liberty of creating an example:

Me: “Sup, bitch?”

Some nosey ass bitch who I wasn’t even talking to: “Excuse me, that word is offensive, not to mention illegal now.”

Me: “Oh, I beg your pardon, your Excellence. Sup, homo?” then me and my buddy knuckle bump and go get turnt on White Claws.

As odd and incredibly pointless as this law seems to be, there are several others you may not be aware of. Did you know it is technically illegal to celebrate Christmas in Massachusetts, and it is also unlawful to have a goatee in public without the proper licensing? I’m not really sure where you’d go for that, where you walk into some zoning office and they’re like “doing some renovations to your house?” and you’re like “Nope, I’m doing some renovations to my face. One Goatee license, please.”

In the meantime, Massachusetts does not allow “Happy Hour”, a fun event centered around discounted alcohol which is aimed to give people a break from the day in and day out monotony of our existence. If this bill passes and you absolutely need to call someone a bitch, it looks like you’ll have to drive to New Hampshire. It also means a lot of us are going to have to come up with new nicknames for our mother in laws.

Not mine, tho. 😉