Purpose is perplexing

Today has been one of those days. You know the kind, where nothing much gets accomplished except for maybe some reading, maybe catching up on shows, maybe a walk with the dogs. I've gone back on the gluten again. It's mostly experimenting with it. I think it still bothers me a little in some ways or it's possibly how it's made that bothers me. I have had allergy testing and apparently I'm allergic to a great number of things, but wheat doesn't directly appear to be one of them. Fungus, molds, pollen, trees, and dust are the large ones. Feathers are also something that my skin does not take kindly to. It's odd though. I can eat cheese and things or maybe that's what gives me a red flush if I eat too much of it. I don't know any more. It might be a sugar reaction. Bread of any sort does that too me now too. The dogs have been acting weird all day. They stick close by me, often sleeping around me while I read or watch TV, but not doing much of anything. I haven't been hungry either. I went to a small bakery this morning for coffee and a chocolate croissant and a cinnamon roll the size of my head. I I've also been doing a good deal of writing today. Mostly of the online sort. For instance, I haven't written here in a while. I think Amanda Palmer's post about her own blog, going the way of the dodo, kind of inspired me. I need to write more and not give a rat's ass who reads it. Who cares? I do care, but I honestly don't at the same time. When you neglect your craft, whatever that might be, it becomes rusty and out of place or maybe out of practice. I've had so many things happen over the last year or so. I've rediscovered a number of talents that I had let die or set down which I rather enjoyed. I have started picking some of those back up. I've also started cleaning out a great deal of crap in my house. Things I know I've been keeping around that I'd rather sell at this point. Find a good home for or just someone's home that might take care of them better than my nephews and their mother ever would. Spoiled brats. The whole lot. That's more an opinion maybe than truth, but I've done enough for them, given them enough that they don't care about or appreciate that I'm kinda done trying to find some kind of solace or encouragement or connection from them. I had written a story once about a Christmas where I was rich and my family was safe and lived well. My father came to call and he begged to be part of the family again and I told him no, because he abandoned us in our time of need. I told him no. Not my mother, not a father that substituted for him, but me. I said no because the very idea of giving him any warmth or comfort made me angry. He didn't deserve it for the pain and trouble he caused. I still dream of my family being different. Of this "Leave it to Beaver" style household were we all grew up and our kids grow up and everyone still comes together for the holidays. We had a good deal of that as kids. But it always came at the price of my mother's sanity. She faced comments and abuses that she never stood up to for fear she never would be able to take care of us without help. She tried when we were older, but that got her less than nothing. The problem with her attempts were that she always came at them in this passive way. She played a victim because she is one and continues to be one. I finally have a moment to sort out my feelings, to actually feel, to be a completely connected person and explain that I need their help, that I need them to get help. I explain this mostly to my mother and she sounds like she agrees with me, but it's the same rational arguments that I've heard my whole life. The same non-emotional, very rational thoughts about things that happened to her and why I was right and that she would think on these things. I was still very angry at the time. I tried to explain that to her too. I am not so angry any more, but my anger was so much, so expensive, and self-righteous. I love her and my sister and her family. But my friend, who counseled me afterward, remarked that maybe this was for the best. They didn't seem to want my help or my advice and they seem more jealous of me than anything. I did not set out to make a life that my family would be jealous of. I did not set out to make anyone happy but myself. And maybe that's what they are most upset about. Maybe they aren't happy. I know they aren't happy actually. That's not a maybe. They express their unhappiness every time I've had a conversation with them. They are unhappy and they don't know why they are. I knew why I was. I was depressed. I was horribly depressed and unable to understand why I couldn't be happy. What I realized over time, and much therapy was that my happiness was contingent on me and me only. I couldn't prop everyone else up and be happy because I made other people happy for a short time. I had cut myself off from my own emotions. Afraid of them. Afraid of expressing those emotions or feeling them because if I did, they would be used against me. Turns out, even not expressing them was used against me. I bottled them up expecting to get a fine wine and got a lot of vinegar instead. Emotions do not age well at all. And the longer you don't feel them, the worse off they are when you finally get around to feeling them. I still have a delayed reaction sometimes. I still come up on dead spaces where I'm not sure what I'm feeling. I'm still surprised at times by my own anger. Today has been a lot of contemplation and writing. I like it. Except for the part where I have anxiety about what I want for dinner. I desire pizza. A supreme pizza. But I really don't want to eat all that bread. And I don't want to get into the habit of ordering pizza for a quick fix. However. I really don't feel like leaving the house again today. I want to watch more shows, read more of my book and then turn in at a mostly decent hour. Tomorrow I can do the shopping and eat the salads and go for more walks. Bear didn't want to come inside today from our walk. He sat down on the front porch until I talked him into coming inside for a treat. It was the first time I had wished for a screened off porch or a screen door he could have rested in front of or on. I am unsure why the back yard does not hold the same appeal for him. Honestly, the yard is one more thing on my list of things. I could pay someone to do it or just do the work myself. I like yard work, as much as I'm allergic to grass. I've always liked playing in the mud. Getting a good mower is my first order of business I think. I've trusted other people to mow and it's just become this huge hassle. It is one more thing on the list of things to do. But tonight. I will have pizza.


Having a dog is harder than taking care of a two-year-old.... seriously.

Well, I guess when the dog is a puppy it makes a big difference.

This week, after long years of wanting a dog, and not being in the right place for it, finally got one. It was a little unexpected. I have a friend that had this pup for the last four or five months, and she's also pregnant. Well, the further she progressed in her pregnancy the harder it got to take care of a new puppy and actually train her. So I offered, if she ever wanted to get rid of her for any reason, I would take the dog. I had fallen in love with her the minute I saw her, but hadn't realized what I was getting myself in for.

I haven't had a puppy since I was 10 or 11... it was the only dog I've ever had and we only had him for that one year for various reasons, one being that the dog was too big according to the place we were living at the time. Even if that hadn't been a factor, I'm sure that we would have had to give him up at some point due to the fact we ended up moving a few months later, back to Kansas after my mom filed for divorce.

Enter me - twenty some years later, remembering having a dog with some fondness, remembering having to pick up after said dog a lot, but thinking that it was mostly worth it.

I didn't think it would be that bad. My nephews were fairly easy to handle, though I have to admit, having them for a week or a weekend is a little different than having someone in your home permanently, chewing on things and messing up your carefree life in general. I'm good at being the aunt. And that may be part of the problem. I've gotten so good at the temporary responsibility that any long term commitment to anything that needs my attention that doesn't involve a paycheck or some means of survival and comfort - like clothes and my apartment, well, I could commit to doing said activity for a short term, but long term, or for the rest of my life... oh hell no.

So this week has been a little rough on me. Maybe the dog too.

Oh and did I mention - Lily, my dog, is deaf. I knew this, unlike her previous owners, I was warned and did a lot of reading and research before I went to pick her up.

In one week, we've learned signs for sit, stop, no and quiet. I'm working on her name sign, drop-it, and poo (this is a long shot, but worth trying to teach her I think - she gets distracted on potty breaks easily... ). Sit was an easy one and one she mostly understood already. Stop and No in combination with a biting motion have taken most of the week for her to pick up on, and only when she is really paying attention.

(Pause in writing to check on the dog)

(Ok, back now - apparently the dishwasher made her curious so she's been keeping an eye on it since I started it this morning)

The one she knows and absolutely hates right now is 'Go in the Crate'. I make the hand motion for that and she practically bolts every time now that she knows what it means. She is crate trained, she just realizes that it means I'm leaving for work or she needs to go to bed for the night. I wish it could be more her choice instead or she would be willing to go in her crate when I need her to, but I think that's just going to take practice and training. She'd rather be in my room but when I need sleep to deal with her, it's hard to put up with a playful pup that doesn't understand what bedtime is.

Socializing her with other dogs was great though. Last night we were at a friend's house and she managed to get along with both of their dogs after a while. The larger dog was much more sociable than the smaller one. We call him the grumpy old man - he doesn't like new things or younger dogs. Lily didn't know about territorial instincts really, and this dog taught her last night. I one night my dog learned who she could socialize with and who would tolerate her. It was a good lesson to learn considering she usually would take off after any dog she saw, or sit and watch them. When we got home from the friend's house, a couple of small dogs were waiting just out of range of where I parked my car. We got out and she sat down in front of me and started growling back, when they growled at her. She - for the whole week - no matter what happened, had never growled before. Barking sometimes, but not growling. She learned last night. This I think is kinda awesome. She didn't know really about how other dogs respond to other dogs. The instincts were there, but never practiced or learned. And it calmed her down quite a lot - today she's practically peaceful compared to what the week has been like.

We've had accidents and frustrations. Having to go to bed early to wake up early and get a routine down, but most of all, this whole week only proves to me that yes, I can handle this commitment.  (Though yesterday I was sure I was going to put her up for adoption. Thought really hard about it!!) Also, that she is really really smart, given the chance, given the motivation, she understands and learns very quickly and I think that is what keeps me working with her, and understanding her so that I can communicate and she can understand me.

It's the first long term commitment I've taken on in some time. I find myself, at least now, looking forward to things, knowing we'll get frustrated with each other from time to time, but that eventually, we'll be good friends and she's part of my family unit.


Ode to the Tangerine....

Ok, so it's been like a month or so since I posted... hell since I wrote anything. I've been stupid crazy busy, and made lotsa dough which is awesome, but I need something creative going on or I'm going to e'splode!! So with that in mind I'm probably going to start posting again, hopefully. There has been soooo much stuff going on this last month I don't know where to start, and I'm frankly, not even going to try. The highlights are - LOVING Texas.. working days again (YEAAAAHHH!!).... my apartment freaking rocks my socks... and boys.. and girls.. and boys and girls.. heheh

SO! - on with the creative I say... and the occasional crazy late nights and the wonderful blurbs of stories and ideas that just won't leave my head. And all the crazy stuff I have planned which almost makes me tired just thinking about it. :)

*hugs* LJ peoples. Missed ya.

Oh - lol - almost forgot - Growing up, hated citrus in all it's many forms.. now I can't get enough of it. I have no clue why. It's weird. Hence the title. And avocado.. it's awesome.. enough said. 

Meme/Drabble - I wanna write for YOU!! *GRINS*

The first TEN people to comment to this post get to request that I write a drabble of any pairing/character of their choosing. If they like, they may post this in their journal, regardless of their ability level. (If you absolutely can't write, maybe find a creative alternative?)

Really, I'll give a shot to anything. Let me know what you want, what you need, what you crave! I'm up for it... Everybody I'm f-listed with know a little about me to know what I'm probably able to write about.. give me a topic and I'll give it a go... fandom's are perfectly acceptable :) Though give me a couple of options if you go that route.

Love and Peace :)

Best quote of the week...

From Castle -

The other two detectives come in and say they found evidence just after Castle spins this wild tale about the father killing off the con artist and

Becket says: 'SHUT the Front Door!!!'

Castle: 'No time for dirty talk. Now go get changed.'

HEH - I do believe 'Fool Me Once' is now my favorite episode thus far. I loved how they used a STFU but didn't. Really - I kinda want to see the out takes.. those have got to be freaking hilarious!

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Zee mishion check lizt...

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Friday night should be fun. Getting together with B to have some dinner and see Whip IT! *grins* It should be pretty good, and I'm looking forward to it because it's a Roller Derby movie. (And has to be better than Solar Babies which is the last movie I saw with a lot of skating in it.. no wait that's not true.. Roll Bounce was. That one was pretty good actually)

Saturday is going to be a little up in the air and I think Sunday is probably me, hanging around home doing home stuff. Maybe some shopping if the mood strikes.

For now I will wish for next weekend in which I have a pedicure planned and possibly the purchase of a PS3 slim which will include the latest incarnation of Rock Band and Batman Arkham Asylum. And maybe.. just maybe the whole Star Trek movie set on Blue Ray.. hehe.. because it's awesome and on sale!! *grins* - eh. Or I'll probably just fret over spending that much money and wuss out.

*HUGS* f-list.. laters.


Can't have just one...

Because one is never enough.. for oh so many things.. *chuckles* Which means, here are the rest of my meme items. And I have learned a good lesson (which I will probably forget in the near future), in which I probably should not take on meme's that can't be answered in one post. I suck at making daily posts. I'm just too damn busy sometimes.

But speaking of busy - wow OT is killing me this time. I'm not sure if it's the change in weather and the overwhelming need to want to borrow under the covers and never show my head again or if I'm trying to get sick and I'm fighting it off but its causing me to be tired all the time. Either way, I'll be happy when these three weeks are over this month. And then I'll have it to look forward to in January, unless something changes (which it might.. which it might.. but need to keep that under my hat for the moment).

ON with the MEME!!

A favorite site of mine.. or well a couple actually -

http://leasticoulddo.com/ - The Least I Could Do - Very funny, upbeat most of the time, and great contents of sexual humor. Also, this same group does Looking for Group which is a very cool web comic as well.

http://www.daniellecorsetto.com/gws.html - Girls with Slingshots - AWESOME!! enough said..

http://xkcd.com/ - XKCD - And if you're a science or math nerd/geek that hasn't found this web comic yet. Well, you're behind. This is an great comic with science humor and I would point out that you should always mouse over it to read the comment. ALWAYS!

Youtube clip:


If you haven't seen it yet - do. I'm a geek. So this should make sense once you watch it. And I was in choir for like my whole educational experience to this totally awesome to me.

And apparently it's inspired other groups to do similar things with other stuff. *grins*

A quote:

"The great tragedy of Science - we slay a beautiful hypothesis by an ugly fact."   - Thomas H. Huxley

As for the random thing.. eh.. this whole post was probably random enough *grins*

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