﻿Should I have allowed my parents to contact my MIA sister? - AgingCare.com

My parents both have dementia wanted to contact their MIA daughter who is my sister (one of the 3 sibs who are zero help to me or who have maintained any contact at all with parents) . I went ahead and gave (their caregiver) the number hoping that she wouldn't call them back. She has zero interest in them other then having an eye for any assets she might inherit.

Unfortunately, she did call them back and has them all jazzed up about a hair brained scheme between her and my brother to take them back to their lake house (in an attempt to get ahold of their assets). My brother has since abandoned the scheme as it wasn't quite lucrative enough for him. (I have evidence that this sister has ripped them off before.)

My sister talks to them like they don't have dementia and tells them about my other sister's marital problems.. who she is now living etc. She asks them to come visit her (across the country).

I never know if I should try to discourage them from contacting these sibs or allow them to and just deal with the consequences. I'm not sure what all the consequences will be for this call.. my sister may start calling me and wanting input into their care (all involved in saving the assets for her to inherit later).

I am in the process of looking for a higher level of care for them now.. and I surely don't need this. On the other hand.. I don't know if I should keep them from speaking to her.

So its a dilemma.... I will find out tonight how much of this they remember.. ugh... right now they are just beside themselves with glee... talking to their "golden" daughter. I wouldn't be surprised if they were all packed up by the time I get over there.


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You did state that your sister had ripped them off before. If that's the case, I'd be careful if she starts coming around and poor mouthing, trying to get signatures, etc. I suppose there's not much she could steal from an AL. She couldn't drive them up to bank and send them in to withdraw, right? I'd keep my eyes peeled to make sure she does't pull anything like bringing in a deed or something.  Maybe, I'm more cynical than most.  
Helpful Answer (2)

I agree with Countrymouse. Never restrict parents from contact with their children without very strong, valid reasons. It may cause inconvenience for you, but you did the right thing!
Helpful Answer (1)

Katiekay if it's any consolation you did the right thing. I hope that indeed it will die down and nothing will come of the jet-setting road trip plans [eye roll]; but you shouldn't prevent your parents from having contact with their children - unless those children have the intention and opportunity to cause them harm. Your sister may have the intention, but as long as you control your parents' finances she won't have the opportunity. And, besides, the key sentence in your post is that your parents wanted to contact her. You ought not to prevent that unless you have an incredibly good reason for it.
Helpful Answer (4)

Thanks for the replies. Yes I have medical POA and financial POA. I should have just told the caregiver I didn't have the number.... my mistake.

My parents cant even remember what they had for lunch an hour later.. so not sure what they will remember but it may cause anxiety/agitation later.

No... no way can they handle any kind of travel.. hopefully it was just talk that will die down.
Helpful Answer (3)

Katiekay, I think your sister has zero knowledge of how dementia affects people. Most people just think they are these sweet old ladies who can't find their car keys. Why would they think any different if they have never been in a memory care facility and seen the mayhem in the common areas at times.
I agree with her history she is probably just thinking of the money. I hope you have control of the money. I doubt they will have forgotten about it if they were so elated. I would just go along with them and agree if was wonderful that she had surfaced and contacted them. Just wait and step in if needed.
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Are you the Durable Power of Attorney and Healthcare POA? If not, I'd see an attorney about getting Guardianship. It sounds like their assets might be in danger and if you don't have the power to prevent it....I'd be concerned.

Also, if siblings don't show due regard for people who have dementia and they expose them to situations they can't handle, long distance travel, routine upset, lack of medical care, etc. it could be harmful. I'd try to have the authority to do that.
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I would advise the caregiver that as you hold the DPOA you revoke the permission to have any contact with sister...and further...no further information is to flow to sister...but, only through you,

But a stop to this before your parents get hurt
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