8 Romantic Gestures By Men in Movies That Would Be Super-Creepy in Real Life

John Cusack could get away with stalking her with a boombox. The rest of us, not so much

Movies in which guys do stupid things—like any of the Jackass films, where the cast repeatedly put themselves in harm's way—usually begin with a disclaimer: Don’t try this at home. Because if you did, it wouldn’t end with Johnny Knoxville giving you a high-five and calling you awesome. It’d end with you in the ER.

So why are there no disclaimers in front of romance movies? Sure, they're obviously fiction, not how-to guides. But guys see how women respond to them, how they tear up during the climatic moments, and then talk about the movies later with their girlfriends and gush about how romantic it was. It’s never said out loud, but the implication is there: Why can’t you be more like the guys up there on screen?

Well, you can’t be because repeating any of the behavior you see in a rom-com or romance movie is not just a big turn-off to her, it could very well land you in jail.

Here are 8 examples of the worst seduction advice from Hollywood movies.

Photograph by Lucasfilm Ltd / Twentieth Century Fox

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1. Stand on an ex-girlfriend’s property, in a trenchcoat, and play a vaguely creepy song that reminds you of the time you had sex with her in a car.
Movie: Say Anything
Lloyd Dobler (John Cusack) stands outside the house of his ex, Diane Court (Ione Skye), and raises a boom box above his head, blaring Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes.”

(Getting over a nasty breakup? Ease your pain with this list of the 100 Hottest Women of All Time.)

Why This is a Terrible Idea
Trespassing on an ex-lover's property in order to force her to listen to a sex soundtrack won’t just convince her that she made the right decision in dumping you, but it may be grounds for a restraining order.

Photograph by Gracie Films/20th Century Fox

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2. Snoop through her private papers, then disappear without explanation.
Movie: Bridget Jones' Diary
Mark Darcy (Colin Firth) happens upon the diary of Bridget Jones (Renee Zellweger). He reads it, then steals it, and comes back later with a new diary, so she can “make a fresh start.”

Why This is a Terrible Idea
You read her diary? Don’t read someone’s journal, texts, e-mails, or diary. Women don’t think it’s cute. It’s an invasion of privacy.

If you are going to steal something personal, at least tell us where you’re going with it. There’s a time to be mysterious, and this isn’t it. Leave a note on the dining room table: “Be back in a minute. No need to run outside in your underwear.” It’s called communication, dude.

Photograph by Miramax Films

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3. Plan a first date in an expensive and inconvenient spot, and then be vague about whether you’ll actually show up.
Movie(s): Sleepless In Seattle and An Affair to Remember
Two people love each other, but can’t be together at the moment, so they vow to meet on top of the Empire State Building on a pre-determined future date. If they both show up, it’s obviously true love.

Why This is a Terrible Idea
It costs $36 to get to the top of the Empire State Building, and the line is typically one to three hours. Nothing is less romantic than standing in an endless Disneyesque Jungle Cruise type line to get on an elevator to the top of a building where your true love may or may not be waiting.

Here’s a better idea. Instead of a stupid tourist trap, tell her, “I’ll be on 20th between Park and Broadway.” And if you’re not there, she can at least get a drink at the Gramercy Tavern.

(For more ideas on how to make smarter choices, pick up The Better Man Project, the new book from Men’s Health Editor in Chief Bill Phillips. It’s got 2,476 tips and ideas that will help you become a better man in every way that counts.)

Photograph by Twentieth Century Fox

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4. Climb up a fire escape to her apartment to take her away.
Movie: Pretty Woman
A rich businessman (Richard Gere) pays a street hooker (Julia Roberts) $3000 to live with him for a week and spend his money. When their business transaction is over, he decides he wants her back, so he shows up at her house unannounced, screams at her from the alley, and climbs up to her apartment using the fire escape.

Why This is a Terrible Idea
Don’t climb up fire escapes. Unless her house is on fire and it’s the only way to get to her and save her life. Otherwise, you’re just reinforcing the reason she’s freaked out by fire escapes—because somebody might sneak up to her bedroom window and snatch her away. Oh look, that’s exactly what you’re doing!

Just use the front buzzer like everybody else.

Photograph by Touchstone Pictures

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5. Get busy in a way too small bathtub.
Movie: The English Patient
Laszlo de Almasy (Ralph Fiennes) has lots of steamy sex with a work colleague’s wife (Kristin Scott Thomas), once in a bathtub right after she shampoos his hair.

(There are better ways to be sexually adventurous. Perhaps you should consider The Risky Sex Trend More Couples Are Trying.)

Why This is a Terrible Idea
Remember that Seinfeld episode where Elaine is forced to watch The English Patient and she hates it? Remember her main complaint about the movie? “You know, sex in a tub, that doesn't work!”

Elaine was right.

Photograph by Miramax Films

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6. End up in debtors prison.
Movie: Empire Strikes Back
Han Solo (Harrison Ford) owes some money to bootlegger Jabba the Hut. He keeps meaning to pay him back, but somehow never gets around to it. He gets caught and put in carbonite, which convinces Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher) that she really does love him.

Why This is a Terrible Idea
Most women are not going to be as accepting and patient as Princess Leia. We might wear the gold bikini, but a man with an obviously poor credit score and a ton of debt is not something we find particularly romantic.

There is no excuse for not keeping your fiscal responsibilities. You can tell me a million times that you put off paying your debts to save the rebellion, but at the end of the day, you still ended up in carbonite and now we can’t afford our mortgage.

Photograph by Lucasfilm Ltd / Twentieth Century Fox

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7. Sketch her naked.
Movie: Titanic
Rose (Kate Winslet) and Jack (Leo DiCaprio) fall in love on a boat that is doomed. They cavort all over the boat, make love in some stranger’s car, and piss off Billy Zane. Then he sketches her while she’s nude.

(Exhibitionism can be great, if you do it the right way. Find out how She Wants You to Watch.)

You’re on a luxury ocean liner! Skip the nude modeling and head to the buffet or the spa.

Why This is a Terrible Idea
Do you know how much time it takes to finish a full nude portrait? And as she’s laying there, naked, she’s just going to be thinking about how she looks and whether she’s sitting at a weird angle that makes her thighs smoosh out in an unflattering way.

Then you show her the drawing and if you aren’t the best artist in the whole world, she is going to be disappointed in how you see her.

Photograph by Photograph by Twentieth Century Fox / Paramount

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8. Lock approximately 150 of her friends and family in a building, and then kidnap her with a bus.
Movie: The Graduate
Benjamin Braddock (Dustin Hoffman) is in love with Elaine Robinson (Katherine Ross), but she’s marrying someone else. So Ben shows up to stop the wedding. After almost breaking the church’s glass windows, he steals the bride and runs away.

Why This is a Terrible Idea
There is no circumstance in which crashing the wedding of an ex is a good idea. But if you’re gonna be a dick and do it anyway, at least bring a getaway car. A lady in crinoline and spanx has no desire to sit on a hot bus in a giant wedding dress.

But mostly, don’t show up.

Photograph by Embassy Pictures

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