The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.

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*gets hit by a car*

Driver: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens twitter*



There are two types of people in this world:

1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once



When you rob an Ikea store they probably make you put all the money in the bag yourself.


interviewer: can you use word

me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words


If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.


It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.


ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?

ME: Barry Bombs


12: “Why don’t girls like playing dodgeball?”

Because we don’t like getting hit by balls.

12: *giggles for 5 minutes*

You are so my child


When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.


“and it goes without saying…”

*proceeds to say it*