What Are The Gobshites Saying These Days?

Welcome back to our weekly survey of the state of Our National Dialogue which, of course, is what Chopin would have come up with had he written Schizo In B Minor.

Look who's back!

I don't know about you, but I know that I awake every morning, scan the day's headlines, and say, "I wonder what C-Plus Augustus thinks about all this?" And I inevitably come up with the answer,"New ways to fk up the country!" and, so, I stop wondering that pretty quickly. But the gang at This Week With The Clinton Guy Shocked By Blowjobs apparently are quite firm in their belief that there is a different answer to that question, so they sent Special Wingnut Suckup Correspondent Jonathan Karl to Africa to talk to former President Stupid, and the results were, inevitably, awesome.

KARL: A commander in chief reunion, in Africa. President Obama and former President Bush traveled separately across the continent this week, but they met in Tanzania at a memorial for victims of the 1998 embassy bombing. (on camera): It was an extraordinary moment to watch two U.S. presidents, especially you two, together here in Africa. What did you talk about when the cameras weren't rolling?

BUSH: What a big pain the press is.

(I wonder how strong this hotel desk is. Let me test it with my head.)

KARL: There's something that you and President Obama have in common. And that is that you are both, seems to me, a lot more popular in Africa than you are back home.


BUSH: I thought you were going to say because we married extraordinary women.

KARL: That's true too.

BUSH: Great.

Good job, Jon. Now roll over.

KARL: What do you make of that? You're something of a rock star here. He had these massive crowds, like you have seen. What's behind that?


KARL: Why Africa? I mean was there a moment where this clicked for you? You visited earlier.

BUSH: There was a moment because I was the president of the most powerful, rich nation and pandemic was destroying an entire generation. And I thought it would be morally shameful not to act.

Africa is going to be his all-purpose fallout shelter for the rest of his ex-presidency and, in truth, he has done some good work there with his anti-AIDS and other health-care intiatives, so it seems unkind to point out at this point that people are still dying in Iraq.

KARL: President Obama has been criticized by those who say he hasn't done as much for Africa as you did. That he's neglected Africa. Is that a bad rap?

BUSH: President Obama cares deeply about whether or not people on the continent of Africa. All I can tell you is that the State Department under his leadership and under Secretary Clinton has been incredibly helpful in our efforts to deal with cervical cancer. It doesn't surprise me that presidents get criticized.

KARL: You saw that every once in a while?

BUSH: Not from you of course, Jon.

A journalist with any self-respect at this point would excuse himself, walk off camera, and feed himself to a crocodile. Undaunted, Karl pressed on.

KARL: So what do you make, I know you're not into psychoanalysis. Some, these are your critics that say that all of this Africa work you're doing, that part of it is, you're trying to make up for mistakes you made in Iraq or --

BUSH: Oh yeah.

KARL: Or (inaudible) and this is -- what do you say to that?

BUSH: Let them continue to babble.

Yeah, babble. That's the ticket.

KARL: Not true?

BUSH: I'm trying to think of the proper word. Absurd psycho-babble.

In thinking of the proper word, he comes up with...two words! I do miss him so.

The man was never scripted. You can say that about him. This cannot be said definitively about the odd confluence of metaphor arranged by George Effing Will on This Week and David Brooks with the Dancin' Master.

WILL: Here's the problem. In addition to the fact that Obamacare is hideously complicated, Rube Goldberg contraption, beyond that, it puts in place perverse incentives. The employer mandate says if you have 50 or more full-time employees and until Congress changes this, which it will, it defines full-time employees as 30 hours a week, you have to pay a substantial sum for each of their health care.

BROOKS: They would say-- the Republicans would say we're sabotaging a Rube Goldberg device that wouldn't work anyway. I mean, this is incredibly complex law so it's not-- surely there is Republican opposition, but this is an incredibly complex law doing a lot of things, probably it shouldn't do, we probably shouldn't have an employer-- employer insurance at all.

Blast e-mails are a wonderful thing, apparently. But, here's the kicker. The thing about actual Rube Goldberg devices is that they are insanely complicated devices that actually work. They perform the task for which they were designed. The reason the ACA may not work is because the Republicans have removed the ping-pong ball that drops down the chute, scares the mouse, which collides with the lever, which releases the ball bearings, which trip the switch that lights your candle for you so you can read the fine print of the new law.

And we conclude with a visit to CBS, where Major Garrett was sitting in for onetime Sepoy combat embed Bob Schieffer. They managed to run the reclusive John McCain to ground again, dragging him, kicking and screaming, before the cameras to talk about Egypt. To the shock of absolutely nobody, McCain discovered that America's public disinclination to elect him president that time is at the root of everything that's going on at the moment in Egypt.

SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN: It was a coup and it was the second time in two and a half years that we have seen the military step in. It's a strong indicator of the lack of American leadership and influence since we urged the military not to do that and reluctantly I believe that we have to suspend aid until such time as there is a new constitution and a free and fair election. We can't-- Morsi was a terrible president. Their economy is-- is in terrible shape, thanks to their policies, but the fact is the United States should not be supporting this coup and it's a tough call...But the place is descending into chaos but so is the entire Middle East because of the total vacuum and lack of American leadership whether it be the massacres in Syria-- Lebanon is-- is beset by sectarian violence, Jordan is about to collapse under the weight of refugees, Iraq is unraveling, Afghanistan, we're having grave problems organizing a follow on force in Afghanistan. America has not led and America is not leading and when America doesn't lead, bad things happen and other people do lead and Egypt is just one segment of a failure of American leadership over the last five years and we need to start being leaders rather than-- than-- than bystanders.

Basically, though, McCain preferred to talk about the war he wants to have in Syria.

SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN: We should be standing-- first of all we should be helping the-- the resistance in Syria to stop the massacre that's going on thanks to Russia, Hezbollah, Iran. We should make it clear to Iran that their progress towards a nuclear weapon has got to be stopped. We're going to have to help Jordan and Lebanon in this problem. Iraq is unraveling. I don't know what you do about Iraq. We've already lost peace there but we have to exercise leadership. And in Egypt, we have to make it very clear that American assistance will be directly related to their transition to a civilian government and we don't claim it's going to be easy but for us to continue to support coups is a-- is a lesson of history that we should have learned a long time ago...I think they're in a dilemma. I think they're-- they're-- as usual on these issues, they're undecided and going forward with a debate while events transpire. There's no-- there's no better example of that than Syria as we continue to watch Hezbollah, thousands of fighters, we see Russian weapons pouring in and slaughter of now over a hundred thousand people and we're going to send them light weapons? Light weapons don't do well against tanks.

The last time he went there with his Leadership, of course, McCain wasn't really sure with whom he was meeting. So, to borrow a phrase from a former world leader, I was looking for one word to describe him.

Shameless hustler.

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