Brittany Rebecca Helton

having a bad day!

by on Feb.23, 2011, under Thoughts and Feelings

I am having a bad day, but it actually started last night. We were eating dinner and I looked over and your baby sister and for a split second I could have swore you were sitting right there with me. I did not let her see me cry, but after she got up from the table and went back to doing her thing, I cried. I never let them see me get emotional because they still do not understand why you had to leave. I have told them it was because you were sick and it was your time to go to God. I know, I shouldn’t lie to them, but they are just babies and how am I supposed to tell them that you decided that you did not want to live anymore so you took your own life. I can’t even believe it sometimes. It pains me just to say those words. Like everyone else, I am asking the question that will never get answered….WHY? Why did you leave us? Why did you think that life was not worth living and decided to leave before your time? Why do you make us go through this daily struggle when you now have no worries in the world? Why did you think we would not miss you? Why did you think that no one would notice that you were gone?

I don’t give a damn that some people think they are the only ones that are heartbroken over you being gone. Just because they spent more time with you than others did, it does not mean that our pain is any more or less than theirs. I love how people say that they will be there for other people, that they will always be FAMILY. I find it funny that they can say that, until they choose NOT to be family anymore because they cannot handle their own guilt. I find it funny that they can tell someone that they love them and then turn their backs on that person as quickly as they would stab someone in the back. It’s also funny that some people cannot take responsibility for their own actions so they choose to punish others.  We weren’t allowed to have flowers put in your casket because someone could not take responsibility for their own actions OR even for 1 day act like an adult and suck it up and be civil to your sister. One of the 3 siblings that are truly yours. We were pushed to the back of the funeral home because a certain someone could not be an adult and allow us to sit near you where we belonged. We were given dirty looks by people we don’t even know because a certain someone was running her crazy mouth off about is without even giving others the chance to talk to us. Funny how her sister and niece came and talked to us, along with her best friend. That they were all so kind and loving. Makes you wonder if they are from the same family…..until those people also turned their back on your sister after telling her that she will always be family. Well, I guess people like that deserve each other!!!

Sorry baby. Did not mean to vent. I am just frustrated (and THAT is the correct way of saying and spelling it!!) that people have hurt your sissy so bad. She has been through enough and then for those low lifes to turn their backs on her. It’s ok! She has plenty of people here who love her and would never turn their backs on her. She always has mommy and gram and brother and tiny baby children!

On another note…..we are looking at wedding stuff and having so much fun and finding some great ideas. I guess that makes me sad too because you should be here helping sissy and getting your own wedding ideas. I am looking forward to the formal ceremony, but it will be very bittersweet because you will not be here to stand next to your sister to witness her marriage…..but you will be there with us in spirit.

We love you so much and would give ANYTHING to have you back