Koltnow: Leave the 3D, take the cannoli

Adventures in Barrywood: Could Hollywood make an offer that Coppola couldn’t refuse?



Imagine how foolish I feel.




Shooting a film intentionally in 3D is admirable, and it occasionally results in an enhanced experience in the theater. I think the two best recent uses of the technology were James Cameron's "Avatar" and Martin Scorsese's "Hugo." One almost got the feeling that the filmmakers did it to make their films better, not to make money.

But the same can't be said of most of the decisions to convert 2D movies into 3D. It's done for only one reason – money. It is the next logical step by Hollywood bean-counters who possess no creativity or originality of their own, and instead come up with ideas for sequels, prequels and remakes. It doesn't take talent to say, "Let's make a sequel to that old movie."

Converting old films to 3D was inevitable in a town that loves to remind you that it's called show business, and not show art.

Most 3D conversions are found lacking. One of the exceptions was last year's conversion of Cameron's "Titanic," but he had the time and money to do it right. He told me it took 300 artists working full time for 60 weeks – at a cost of $18 million.

"Normally, I am against 3D conversions," Cameron said at the time. "It has to be done right."


What bothers me even more than the "event fees" that jack up ticket prices is the tinkering with old movies. Hollywood rarely converts bad films that were unsuccessful at the box office. Instead, they grab whatever big movies they can find and convert them.


I've been trying to come up with a 3D conversion that would upset me the most. Of course, it has to be "The Godfather." I'm sure Francis Ford Coppola would never allow it, but the notion still keeps me up at night.

I suppose the conversation might go something like this:

FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA: You said you wanted to talk about an exciting new project that involved "The Godfather." You aren't talking about a "Godfather IV," are you? I can't go through that again, after "Godfather III."

STUDIO EXECUTIVE: I wouldn't do that to you, Francis. My idea won't cause you any grief at all.

COPPOLA: What is it?

EXEC: Are you sitting down?

COPPOLA: I'm sitting right in front of you.

EXEC: That's right. I'm so excited about this idea that I can't think straight. I want you to convert "The Godfather" into 3D.

COPPOLA: Are you out of your mind?

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