The Shorter List: Biggest Celebrity Tools



There’s no denying that showbiz has more tools than a Home Depot full of Hummer-owners, and last Friday The Short List crew used them to build you a house of hilarity. The experts did a pretty good job as they counted down the Ten Biggest Celebrity Tools, but we feel that they cut their list with a bit too many douche-bags and not enough tools. (Yes, there’s a difference!) So here to put things right once more, The Shorter List brings you a few extra tools who have screwed, banged, nailed, drilled, greased and wrenched their way to infamy. Don’t forget your hard hat.

[Photo: Getty Images]

5. Vince The Sham-Wow Guy


Once upon a time, Vince Shlomi was a man with nothing but a rag, a camcorder, and a dream. A dream that someday…he would have enough money to pay people for sex. After re-branding his rag as the “Sham-Wow” and making the most abrasive commercial of all time, that dream came true. But the dream turned into a nightmare one night in Miami when a hooker he hired bit his tongue. We’re pretty sure that kind of kink costs extra, but Vince apparently wasn’t digging it and a fist-fight ensued. By the looks of the mug shot, the hooker won. No charges were filed against him, but it’s a cautionary tale for anyone who tries to con the world with their crappy products (come on guys, “sham” is right in the name).

Dexter + Moe from The Simpsons + Felt Towel = Informercial Demon


[Photo: Getty Images]

4. Charlie Sheen


Charlie Sheen is kind of like a hammer that has been dipped in pure gold: worth far too much money, and at the end of the day is still just a tool that hits stuff. We’re sure he doesn’t mind our saying so, as his new $1.3 million-an-episode salary has him half-grimacing all the way to the bank. That’s when he’s not busy chasing his wife around with a knife and serving jail sentences so short that he tells his driver to leave the car running.

The Many Moods of Charlie Sheen


Look at that range! If that’s not worth $1.3 million an episode, we don’t know what is.

[Photo: Getty Images]

3. Jimmy Fallon


For years the media has been trying to brainwash us into believing that Jimmy Fallon is funny/popular/cool. But let’s look at the evidence. If he’s that good, why have all of his movies bombed? And can you remember any of the characters he did on Saturday Night Live? OK, there was that lame news anchor character who always laughed at his own jokes. What was his name again? Oh yeah: Jimmy Fallon. Yet the-powers-that-be keep rewarding his public failures with larger and larger gigs, including hosting duties at the Emmys. The fact that he has his own network show while Conan O’Brien does not is proof that there is no logic, justice or god in Hollywood.

Bonus Points:


Jimmy Fallon being given the prestigious “Tiger Woods Seal of Tool-Dom.”

[Photo: Getty Images]

2. David Blaine


Whether hanging from a box in London or standing on a pole in New York, “illusionist” David Blaine has made a name for himself by performing feats that we all could probably do if we weren’t busy living our lives. The man is able to survive for fantastic periods without food or water, yet he has been hospitalized several times for lack of attention. Perhaps his greatest trick was convincing both Madonna and Fiona Apple to date him. Nothing gets a woman hot like pulling a quarter out of her ear.

More Bonus Points:


David Blaine being given the honorary key to Trump Tool-Town.

[Photo: Getty Images]

1. Michael Lohan


The fact that Michael Lohan was left off of The Short List broadcast makes us wonder if he has incriminating pictures of someone on the staff. It wouldn’t be the first time he’s pulled that, right Kate Major? Seriously, this is the man who taught Lindsay everything she knows! The lessons started early, with Mike spending most of Lindsay’s formative years serving a prison sentence for insider trading. This absence is probably the high point of his parental life.

He’s done it all, from cheating on his wife and getting his mistress pregnant, to assault and DUI charges. He’s even shared a fiance with Co-Ultra-Douche Jon Gosselin, creating a Tool Supernova of epic proportions. So you’d think when Lindsay started making some of the same mistakes, he’d be the first person she could turn to for sympathy and advice, right? Nope. He decided to call his rehab-bound daughter from a bar to “make her jealous.” Michael Lohan, we at the Shorter List salute you. It just so happens that our salute is a middle finger.

Douche-Lord: There Can Be Only One.


[Photo: Getty Images]