Ask E. Jean: December 2007

Fame and Food
Dear E. Jean: I'm an award-winning artist. My work has been published; I've been selected for numerous juried shows; and I've always been positively received. Why isn't my work selling like hotcakes? I give out my business cards; I tell people to check my website; I have six shows coming up, for Pete's sake! Yet no one is knocking down my door. What gives?—Will Paint for Food

Paint, my petunia : Did you say what..."gives"? Don't you know that you're up against the whole art world here? Nobody "gives" you anything, hunny. You take. Okay, okay. Now, let's sell your masterpieces.

The Three Rules for Working the Art Racket:

1. Know who buys art. Damien Hirst will pluck Frida Kahlo's eyebrows before "numerous juried shows" get you half a tube of cadmium red. Prizes help, but your career depends on crashing the tightly controlled universe of status, bull hockey, money, ego, sex, and fame; on hanging out in the right galleries; and on meeting investors, dealers, patrons, and collectors.

2. Suck up to the collectors. You're a pretty, young Louisiana woman full of moxie (I can tell: I checked your website, Attend charity events, volunteer at your museum, and—this requires real Southern grit—offer to do portraits of the two or three leading socialites in your city for free. You'll soon be hanging above the fireplaces of people who actually invest in art.

3. Hire a publicist. She will get you mentions in magazine and newspaper columns, which, in turn, will get you invited to more openings and events; which, of course, will create a frenzied desire among collectors to haunt your studio and be photographed purchasing your pictures. Good luck.

The Giant O
Dear E. Jean: I've been with my fiancé for two years and love him to death. But (there's always a "but," isn't there?) he's unbelievably selfish in bed. He always wants me to "do everything" to him, and he never returns the favor. The sex is over before it starts. I've only had one "O"—and that was when he was drunk—because he's Mr. One-Minute Man. When I suggested we try some techniques to help lengthen his staying power, he got mad and told me to "go get something at the adult store when [he's] not around."

He's my first, so I have no idea what I'm doing. He doesn't try before, during, or after to give me any pleasure. The only thing he ever did was put some kind of "orgasm cream" on me—it burned like hell! He also splurges on himself when we're trying to save for a down payment for a house, sneaks around to see his ex, and is friendlier to strangers than to me.—Future Mrs. Minute Man

Mrs. Minute, my muskmelon : Auntie Eeee is raising an indignant eyebrow here, but first things first: Of all the sex snafus and shag-mires, premature ejaculation is the simplest to fix. It merely requires your fiancé to learn control. About a thousand books and websites exist on the subject. The best : WebMD's article titled "Trigger Happy?" (

But what can't be fixed, my dear, is your fiancé's breathtaking selfishness and slink-weasel disrespect. He's a creep of the first order. You deserve better.

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