Advice archives

DEAR AMY: I'm a wife and mom of five sons under the age of 8.

My nephew is in his 20s. He has been easily influenced and has gone through the punk stage, the Goth stage, the androgynous stage and now he is going through the cross-dressing stage.

When we get together with my sister and her family for weddings, etc., "Steve" is now "Stephanie," with wigs, full makeup, 6-inch high heel shoes and micro-mini dresses.

He is a man. My boys know he is a man. They never let him forget it.

My mom and sister say we must treat "Stephanie" as a member of the family, and she is considering having the $25,000 sex change surgery if enough people donate to the fund she has on social media. I've spent thousands on gifts, tuition, his first car, first apartment and helping when he's out of work (which happens a lot).

I refuse to waste our hard-earned money on his fad of the moment. My dad no longer speaks to his grandson. I don't want to be like that. Steve is a great guy. My kids love their uncle.

Summer's almost over, and "Stephanie" will be surfacing soon at school events. Any advice?


DEAR AUNT: I'm going to suggest a way for you to frame this so you will stop being so angry with someone who no doubt has no desire to hurt you or your kids.

He/she is a family member and should be treated as such. His/her current gender identification might not be a phase but the culmination of all of the other phases and searching he has obviously done in his life.


The lesson for your kids is that they should treat everyone kindly and with respect. At this juncture, it would be easiest for you to explain to the kids, "Stephanie used to call herself 'Steve,' but now she feels like she is a woman, and so we're going to call her Stephanie. She's still the same person on the inside and still loves you like always."

You are not obligated to respond to any crowdfunding request.

Please work harder to patiently accept this person as he/she is.

DEAR AMY: You published a question from me ("Clean Jean"), where I asked if I should go through old documents relating to my divorce. At first I was disappointed by your advice to read through these documents, because why would I want to bring back bad memories?

It took me a few weeks to get up the courage to read them. I'm glad I did. I can't believe how well I behaved and how poorly he did.

In writing, he blamed his emotional problems and unhappiness on me and said his life was so much better without me in it. To this, I responded that I was happy for him and that my life was fine.

Recently my daughter told me what really happened. He was a wreck, and his remarriage was a disaster. As his mother said, "He took his problems with him." Thanks so much; your advice was excellent.

Clean Jean

DEAR CLEAN JEAN: I'm always curious about how things turn out. Thank you for the update.
