

please help me understand this man

(22 Posts)
catkin14 Sun 03-Nov-13 18:35:43

This man being my exh. Selfish and EA man.
We split up early this year, he promised teenage DS he would spend all weekend, every weekend with him, said they would do this and that.
As time has gone by (and a he has new partner) he has dropped almost all contact with DS, spends about 2 hours every 2-3 weeks with him.
DS feels so abandoned by him and I dont know what to do.

How could a man just totally drop his DS? The one he told he loved and missed so much?
I am at a loss and feel so bad for DS.

Bogeyface Sun 03-Nov-13 18:38:07

You cant understand him because you are not a selfish fucked up person. He on the other hand, is.

He only cares about himself which is why your marriage ended, that wont change ever.

All you can do is what I did with my elder DCs and explain to them that you dont know why Dad is behaving like this but that it is not your sons fault. That sometimes adults behave badly and treat people badly but that doesnt mean that he (your DS) deserves to be treated that way.

elliebellys Sun 03-Nov-13 18:48:47

Exact same when my exdh walked,2 hours a month with kids.nd had the nerve to say he was tryin his best.poor dcs were devastated..

Pilgit Sun 03-Nov-13 18:49:35

This is an all too familiar story. Your DS is learning young that actions speak louder than words. Exh is self centered and selfish. - only in it for what he can get. All you can do us be there for him. We cannot force anyone to spend time with us. Long term your exh will lose more than your ds. I am sure some more experienced people will be along soon to give you better guidance.

BitOutOfPractice Sun 03-Nov-13 18:59:44

There is no understanding some people is there? He is simply a selfish twat

I'm so sorry for your boy. I'm sure he's getting lots f love from you though

catkin14 Sun 03-Nov-13 19:13:40

Thanks, I am doing my best, but can see he is hurting and confused. But I know he is beginning to see his DF for what he really is whereas I always tried to protect him from that, so maybe my fault for that.

How can someone just forget his family? is it out of sight out of mind? He took halfterm week off but took new partner away, spent no time at all with DS nor even offered.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 03-Nov-13 19:21:05

Family for these people has always been low priority but, because you were all under the same roof, it maybe wasn't so obvious that they didn't try very hard. Now that your ex has to make a bit of an effort he's decided it's a bit too much of an inconvenience to be Dad to DS - plus he has other priorities. Sometimes they try blaming new partners for keeping them away. Have you had that excuse?

One man I knew was a widower and did exactly the same thing. Got a new partner and all but ditched his existing DCs, then in their twenties. Given that they'd already lost their mother it was supremely selfish and callous behaviour.

catkin14 Sun 03-Nov-13 19:25:36

Im sorry to say it was also very obvious that he couldnt be bothered with them when we were together, part of the reason that I left.

He has given me no excuses, probably because he wont speak/text/email to me anymore.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 03-Nov-13 19:31:36

I think it's time to level with your DS. He'll still be hurt that way but he'll be less confused.

catkin14 Sun 03-Nov-13 19:36:49

We have had a lot of talks about it. Its still hard for him to understand why his DF would want to abandon him. And when he asks me I cannot give him an answer because I cant understand it either.
Its also difficult that he is mid teens so life doesnt make much sense to him generally anyway.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 03-Nov-13 19:41:23

Be honest. Tell him that, if he wants a relationship with his Dad, he has to be prepared for disappointment, because we don't get to pick our parents, it's just the luck of the draw, and his Dad is a bit of a let-down. Tell him you don't understand it either and that it makes you annoyed because DS is a great kid and deserves much better.

catkin14 Sun 03-Nov-13 20:22:01

thanks for help, I will try that.
He is a great kid and does deserve much better. I am so proud of him and they way he has handled all this. He is a credit to himself!

There are times when adults need a slap!

Sleepyhoglet Sun 03-Nov-13 20:40:10

Whatever you do, don't criticise his father in front of him. I know that sounds hard but it can make the situation all the more painful for the child.

catkin14 Sun 03-Nov-13 20:44:31

No I try hard not to do that, at end of the day he is still DCs father.
I try very hard to stay out of the whole situation so that DCs dont feel pulled in any direction, and am just here if they need me.
Older 2 DCs have their own lives and were never close to DF but youngest was and it is him that is suffering most.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 03-Nov-13 20:49:22

I disagree with 'don't criticise' sorry. Saying Dad lets people down is merely reflecting the kid's own experience. It's not malicious therefore, it's just the truth.

I have a friend who did such a good job not criticising her DDs' Dad after he left that her DDs decided he was such a lovely, blameless man, he must only have gone because my friend drove him away. They gave her hell for years and years. Right up to the point in their late teens when they met him again and found out what an arse he was. Then they blamed her for not having told them the truth.

DIYapprentice Sun 03-Nov-13 20:59:33

I agree with Cogito - I think people go overboard in the 'not criticising the father'. There's no need to bring up what went wrong between a couple, but if it's a serious character flaw then you need to protect your DC, and part of protecting them is giving them some awareness of the type of person he is.

Twinklestein Sun 03-Nov-13 21:34:08

If a marriage breaks up but both parents maintain normal contact & behave well to the kids - it makes sense to try not to criticise the other partner.

But when a partner is letting the kid/s down & they are struggling to understand it & deal with the hurt - then it's important to be honest.

DameEdnasBridesmaid Sun 03-Nov-13 21:43:18

I agree about the honesty. No need to slag him off (very tempting I know),. Your DS will work it out for himself, as my DS (and DD) did.

I felt so bad for them, but they just got on with it.

They are 20 and 25 now and are civil to XH but he does not figure in either of their lives and he is definately paying the price by missing out on their lives. (That is my revenge smile)

Sleepyhoglet Sun 03-Nov-13 21:55:44

Ds knows his father has let him down. He doesn't need his mother to go on about it. ( doesn't sound like she would ). From my own experience as a child whose father let her down I really think it is best if the mother doesn't criticise. It makes you feel doubly let down.

Sleepyhoglet Sun 03-Nov-13 21:56:30

Catkin it seems like you are being really strong for them. They will be angry and upset. I think that is normal.

Twinklestein Sun 03-Nov-13 22:01:45

A friend of mine's father didn't bother with him & his brothers but his mother wouldn't say a bad word about him. They all inferred that the problem was with them. Until they grew up & realised what a selfish arsehole he is.

They needed that information sooner.

catkin14 Mon 04-Nov-13 21:39:07

Thanks for all replies.
This is a helpful place..

Found out tonight that Exh didnt even contact DS on his birthday at weekend. I am so disgusted.
I dont know how much lower this man can go.

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