I went to church today...


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Posted 05/16/2012

And I keep arriving at CO with my family but have so many feelings of guilt, shame, owing them, etc that sometimes I REALLY need to hear an objective outside voice about it because I cannot trust my own all the time when it comes to them.

Oh my OP. I think your feeling guilt at having to CO them because they must constantly remind you that they "saved" you and you "owe" them.

This is all about control. They think they control you and are upset that you are not doing everything they demand.

I think you need to walk away from all of them and just focus on creating a health life for you, your husband and children. You don't need people like this in your life.

Posted 05/16/2012
Wow, I am so sad for your history, and for what these people have done to you.

Is the brother who says you are ALMOST good enough the same one that abused you? Because this is another form of abuse, emotional. He's trying to plant self-doubt because you are breaking away from their mold and he needs to bring you back in line. I agree with the CO.

First, I have to tell you that you sound like you are making great strides, with your family, your choices, owning your life, and standing up for yourself. That said, you do need to keep at it. Therapy would be best.

Your mother is starting in on the same control/abuse on your DD. what sort of fucked up person says a child walks like a hooker??? That is beyond messed up.

Try to remember what you felt like, as a scared little girl, when they blamed you and sexualized you for being normal. Do you want them to do this to your little girl?

I would CO the lot of them, but I know you are in a different place. But while they might do some good, like coming to help after surgery, doesn't the really bad and harmful negate any good they bring? You are a good person, don't let them tell you differently.


Posted 05/16/2012

Wow - no spectacular insight here. Only saying that they did/do some seriously screwed up stuff to you and from my perspective you don't owe them anything.

You are right in ending the relationship with the nosy pushy brother and personally I would extend that CO/TO to the other manipulative, insulting, condescending, controlling people that like to think they have done so much for you.

btw - please consider what this is going to do to your daughter. My own mother complained to me constantly about my seductive movements when I was a child and it seriously hurt me. Somehow I managed to not have huge hangups but I spent much of my life confused and guilty for things that were not even wrong much less my fault.Those are serious accusations and major guilt to lay on an innocent child.

Posted 05/16/2012

OP, it's time to untangle yourself from these people.  Your children should not and can not be exposed to people who are so toxic and abusive.  Many hugs.

Posted 05/16/2012

OMG... your bg put a totally different spin on this for me (I mean, I thought your brother was a giant tool, but...)... I suggest you really reflect on how you would feel by giving your whole 'family' a TO for at least 6 mos... I have a feeling it would lift a giant weight of guilt, manipulation, and pain from your shoulders.

Maybe you mentioned this and I missed it, but are you currently seeing a counselor for your childhood abuse?  Might help you successfully navigate a TO/CO.

If nothing else, I would keep your mom away from your kids... sounds like she'll be trying to plant some pretty warped views of femininity and sexuality in their poor little heads.

Good luck to you!!!

Posted 05/16/2012

omg Jess, my heart is aching for you. None of these people are good for you AT ALL. You do not owe them anything, who the fuck keeps score with their children like that? These people are toxic. I would cut them off, they are incapable of having a healthy relationship with you. As you said you will never be even with them. They will continue to cut you down in their minds and try to do that to you emotionally as well. The more you stand up to them the more they will hate it and work to drag you down. Don't give them the chance.

I'm glad you are moving, I know it must be a hard choice but you need to get away from them. You need to get to a place where they have no control over you. What frustrates me the most for you is that they hold this addiction over your head when they are the cause of it. Ugh.

Please do not feel guilty, parents are supposed to be there for their children. Yours, neither of, were. Maybe they did semi-support you and pay for things, but that is something parents do. No one twisted their arm and made them do it. They chose to do it. Their choice does not equal your debt. And please please please do not feel shame. They should be shame. You should be proud of yourself. You had a horrible start in life, and maybe it did drag you down. But you have pulled yourself back up, and I RESPECT YOU. So should everyone else.

Group Owner
Posted 05/16/2012

Oh, Jess!  

Honey, it's time for a complete cut off.  They are abusive and toxic - but you already know this.  You don't owe them.  You don't owe them a damn thing.

Stop paying for them.  Stop communicating with them.  Remove them from your life because you and your children deserve so much better than to be called hookers.




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Posted 05/16/2012
Imagine them saying that vile bullshit to your dear children, emotionally abusing them as they have done to you. Why would you allow that to happen? You love your children, you hope for the best for them, you want them to be safe and fearless, you would never intentionally harm them...so don't let your "parents" get away with it.

It's almost worse because they chose you. Do your failures, real or imagined, make them feel smug and superior? You need to cut the toxicity out of your life and the life of your little family. If it takes you a little while to CO them, don't ever let them be around your children again. Ever.
Last edited 05/16/2012

JessKelsh, I gotta hand it to you. Not only have you dealt with far more than you should, but you have found yourself in that mess and emerged as a stronger, wiser, braver person. I am so sorry for all you endured and that the very people who should have been your haven and security chose to continue the abusive cycle, rather than give you the peace and childhood you deserved.

This said, if you are still living in the house they bought and paying rent you need to move as soon as possible. For one thing, you are right, it is about control and as long as you are under that roof they still have it. But secondly, and far more urgently in my mind, your adoptive parents seem to favor their other (biological?) children over you given past behavior you described. If you COing your brother is an issue for them you may find yourself in a very bad way with your living situation. I am not sure if you have any legally binding agreements regarding rent or not, but I worry that your family could get thrown out on short notice.

Beyond that, from one crunchy, vegetarian and dairy free (not a hardcore vegan) to another -- hang in there. I chose to be a vegetarian a while back but went dairy free due to my breastfeeding child's severe dairy allergy. My husband is now vegetarian for medical reasons as well. My family was pretty cool with it, but within my immediate FOO I have people who are vegetarian and gluten free so unique diets are not shocking to my FOO. My husbands family? You would think we are committing crimes against nature and humanity. We are, at best, treated a bit like an adorable (yet still really ignorant) pet. At worst, people are blatantly hostile about how this is stupid and how we are going to make the kids violently ill their whole lives long. At first I tried to explain and educate these people on why we made the choices we had. I figured surely once they heard the logic behind it they would be understanding. Respectful. No, everything I referenced was "quack science" or "leftest hippy crap" so I gave up on that.

Your brother is an asshole of the first order. I cannot imagine what would go through anyone's head that says "yes, saying 'you are almost respectable' is an okay idea!" You are far better COing him off and there may be many others with him. Truth is, anyone who cannot respect the path to wellness that you have chosen over the course of your sobriety and other health issues really doesn't deserve your time.

I agree with all the PPs, this is not about food at all. It is about control and feeling that you are "damaged" and incapable of making your own choices. 

ETA: wow board is moving quick this was on page 3 when I started typing ... reading the pages I missed in case I sound like a HIPPO!


"I'm saying this to you with lovecompassion and in the spirit of true sisterhoodyou are full of shit!"

AITF where people matter more than noms.

Group Owner
Posted 05/16/2012

ITA with a complete and utter CO. It will make you much more emotionally healthy in the long run AND it will protect your DC from this cycle of abuse.

If you are paying for their house that they rent from you: EVICT them. Get real renters or sell it.

Run away from these toxic assholes who are using and abusing you.




The queenliness is implied and my tiara is in the shop.

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