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Three Parts:Be Sure There Is a SecretBuilding TrustAfter the Secret

Sometimes people keep secrets from us, either because they are ashamed or worried how we might react or because they do not want to hurt our feelings. Following these instructions may allow you to find out what someone is hiding but be aware that it can be a long, difficult process and you may not like the outcome.


Part 1 of 3: Be Sure There Is a Secret

  1. 1
    Try to determine if a secret actually exists. You may know that someone is lying or keeping a secret about something or you may only suspect. If you only suspect, try to pay attention to their behavior.
  2. 2
    Don't jump to conclusions. If you think someone acts oddly around you it could be for many reasons, not just because they have a secret. They might act that way normally or they may simply not feel very comfortable around you.
  3. 3
    Don't pressure them. Don't assume someone is keeping a secret from you, especially if they've told you that they aren't. Most people don't like being asked about this sort of problem and bothering them about it might make them angry.

Part 2 of 3: Building Trust

  1. 1
    Be truthful. If you want someone to be truthful with you, the best place to start is by being truthful with them. Come clean about lies you may have told them and let them know your secrets too. If they know you trust them, they will be more willing to trust you.
  2. 2
    Take an interest. Be involved and interested in their life. People will be more likely to reveal secrets when they feel like you are interested in their life and care about them.
  3. 3
    Listen. Sometimes people keep secrets because they feel like we don't listen to them. If you listen when someone is discussing their problems with you, it possible that they might just tell you on their own.
  4. 4
    Build a safe zone. Make yourself a safe person to come to with problems. Don't be judgmental and make sure that you discuss these issues with them in private.
  5. 5
    Be patient. If they want to tell you, they will. Don't push too hard. Building trust is a long process that can take just a few days or several years. If you're in too much of a rush to know a secret, then you might not be the right person to tell.
  6. 6
    Respect everyone. Earning someone's trust isn't just about how you act towards them, it's about how you act towards others as well. Even if you're wonderful to your best friend, they may be less willing to tell you a secret if they know you say bad things about people behind their back. Don't gossip and don't reveal other people's secrets.
  7. 7
    Just ask. Sometimes just giving someone the opportunity isn't enough and a more direct approach may be necessary. Schedule some one-on-one time and kindly ask them if they have anything they want to tell you. Don't pressure them but make sure they know that you're there if they do want to talk.

Part 3 of 3: After the Secret

  1. 1
    Keep the secret. In breaking someone's confidence once, they and possibly others are unlikely to trust you again. It is very difficult to rebuild trust once it's been broken.
  2. 2
    Support the other person. People keeping secrets are often in trouble or feel like they can't be helped. Ask them if you can help and then support them in whatever way they need.
  3. 3
    You may not like the outcome. Sometimes people keep secrets for a reason. Realize before you ask them that you may not like what they have to say. It may be information that harms your relationship. If so, you should still respect that they told you and not betray their confidence.

Tips =

  • Part of the reason that people don't share information is bound up in fear. Fear of your response. Yelling, screaming, shaming, belittling, criticizing, anger, and just overreacting in general makes other people much less likely to share information with you. Sometimes the best reaction is no reaction.
  • Make sure you are ready to hear the truth. Sometimes the truth can be really overwhelming to an individual. If you feel that you will overreact upon hearing secret information, it may be best to wait awhile until you feel more prepared.
  • Practice your response privately until you feel calm and confident. If you know that you have a tendency to respond strongly, you can train yourself to respond differently. Practice your responses in private in front of a mirror. Drop your shoulders, keep your body language and facial expressions calm, and try to relax. If you appear distraught when the first part of information comes out, you may never get a chance to hear the rest.
  • Anger management isn't just for others. Read up on the topic of anger management to learn the skills associated with listening respectfully and responding gently. Response skills can be learned in a fairly short amount of time. The time investment to get there will result in more positive relational skills that can last a lifetime.

Article Info

Categories: Diary and Secrets

In other languages:

Español: lograr que te digan un secreto, Italiano: Farti Dire un Segreto, Русский: убедить человека рассказать секрет, Português: Fazer com que Alguém lhe Conte um Segredo

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