Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Your Handy Tour de France Glossary

Yes, cycling fans, with the Tour at hand the commentators'll be using lots of unfamiliar language, and as I've already done at least 1 dictionary in years past, I'll keep this one short'n'sweet:

Allez: what you yell at the cyclists to encourage them. Example: "If you *ever* try to leave this team again, I'll have my goons drag you down that allez and break every bone in your body!"

American: the retina-burning abomination running alongside Lance dressed in a Speedo, a giant foam cowboy hat, and the Stars and Stripes painted across his gut. Use: "I can't believe we can't beat the !@#damn Americans in our own Grand Tour!"

Climbs: climbs are divided into Categories: Cat. 3 (small), Cat. 2 (medium), Cat. 1 (large), and Hors Categorie or HC (holy crap!). Example: "HC, I can't believe Vinokourov made it up that thing so fast unassisted!"

Cracked: when the clean rider that can't keep up with the dope-stuffed autobots who're about to take the podium. Example: "Cadel Evans has cracked!"

Directeur Sportif: if you're not Lance Armstrong, he's your boss. If you are Lance Armstrong, you're his boss.

Doping: what there wasn't a single instance of during last year's Tour, and what there won't be a single instance of this year, either. Usage: "I have never tested positive for doping. Suckers."

Enjoy myself: what you're at the Tour to do when you've just realized you're gonna lose the overall.

Entire annual steel industry output of China: what Stuey O'Grady's got holding his body together after 968 consecutive crashes. We love Stuey!

Gods: Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwen. Kneel, beeyotches!

Musette: the little cloth bag of food the riders pick up on the fly in the feed zone. Usage: "I'm sorry, Lance, did I accidentally toss my musette into your chain ring?"

My Grandma's: the blood bag/syring/white powder/notorious doping doctor found in your hotel room.

Promotional item: what you just sliced Thor Hushovd's arm open with two feet before the line. You idiot, you just lost him the stage!

Road rash: when you rip your skin off in a crash. Example: "if you drop me in the mountains when I need you, I'll give you !@#$ing road rash you weakling!"

Sprint: what Mark Cavendish interferes in to screw you out of a stage win. Wanker!

Stomach ailment: (1) a stomach ailment; or (2) what you suddenly drop out of the race for the night before the race organizers announcing your doping poz. Alternate use: "Man, I said I was coming back to win, but then Contador kicked my !@#. Must've been, um, that pesky stomach ailment!"

Team Car: where your DS keeps the little cooler with the "Fanta" in it.

Water bottle: what gives you a total bull!@#$ excuse to hang on to the team car for half an hour when you're about to croak on a climb. Usage: "Oops, the cameras are on us--I better 'pass' you another water bottle!"

Well, that oughta hold you all for this race. And hey, Buster--quit staring at my tete-de-la-course!

1 comment:

PJ said...

Thanks. You are the best and the funniest.