HowTo:Be Racist

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Revision as of 02:58, April 23, 2013 by (talk)

Jump to: navigation, search
“ ...Some of my best friends are white supremacists ”
~ Martin Luther King Jr. evading allegations of racism
“ The Japanese chinamen terrify me and my hot trophy wife”
~ Howard Stern on the yellow peril
“ Fat, pasty, pale, pastrami eating, cracker motherfucker. A hundred bucks says I make you my bitch.”
~ Barack Obama on a cracker motherfucker

Racism is not a task to be taken lightly. Being racist takes dedication, intelligence, and above all mental fortitude, should this mission somehow befall you, you must treat it with respect. Being racist is not a swashbuckling pirate adventure as it is often portrayed in the films, nor is it a lighthearted Seth Rogen comedy. Being racist requires the dedication of Ron Paul fanboy on Youtube. This handy guide will try to lighten your path towards achieving excellence in racism, the the love and admiration of your peers, and even a degree in advanced bigotry from the university of Johannesburg. There are also extremely lucrative careers which require the ability to effectively abuse and exclude certain members of the human race. These include (but are not limited to) High court judge, aristocrat, French toilet attendant, MEP, and gay cult icon.

Also, eat a lot of cheese.

edit Why racism?

"Why racism?" I hear you ask dear reader. Well sit right here (or there) and I will enlighten you. First of all nothing says wit, bon vivant and all-round man-about-town as a few well placed prejudiced jibes. It will endear you to your surroundings and make it abundantly clear that you are in no way tainted with political correctness. Now of course you may choose to heap your scorn upon the disabled, poor or sexually unfulfilled excuses for humanity that surround us daily, but foreigners are all over the place, taking jobs, abusing the welfare state and raping women and are therefore an easy and obvious target. Racism is the easiest place to begin your bigotry and to acrew the necessary closed-mindedness to effectively mock weaker, uglier humans to the amusement of your fellow über-mensch. Above all racism helps create long-lasting and stable relationships and can, if taken seriously, earn your fortune (see above).

edit Step 1: A Few Simple Excersises

Now my healthy rosy-cheeked and delightful reader we come to the first step in the guide where you get to use racism in a practical sense. Isn't the suspense just thrilling? A few easy exercises will get you started.

1. Strip down to your underwear.

2. Take that off as well and bend to touch your toes.

...lovely, just lovely

3. Get dressed again, and we can begin.

4. Stand in front of the nearest mirror, imagine you are less pink and marshmallow-y and shout a non race-specific insult at your imagined alter-ego, I find that "jackanape" or "filthy oik" work well in the early stages. Even "naive poppin jay" would suit.

5. Now try a racist insult, nothing too challenging to start with. "Jungle bunny" and "redskin" are good for beginners, but it is up to you to find a degree of racism that suits you to start with. I find "Porch Monkey" most favorable myself.

6. If you're black, listen to as much Kanye West as possible to develop hatred for the white man, or if you're white, listen to David Allen Coe to start disliking negroes.

7. Go for a short walk with a friend for support, he/she will be your racism-buddy. Find a real-life foreigner and shout just the slur of your choice ONCE, I can not stress this enough! More than once is far beyond what you should be attempting in these early stages.

8. Congratulations! You are a racist.

edit Step 2: Intermediate racism

Now you have entered the magic circle (not in a gay way, okay maybe sort of) of racists. Next time you are invited to a soiree you must not forget what you learned in step 1. At any civilized ho-down there will not be any dirty gooks or ragheads, but if there is a polish gardener or mexican maid you have a perfect opportunity to perfect a more casual form of racism. Casual racism is harder than just shouting slurs on the street. The best way to start is by slyly commenting on the WAY they act and comport themselves. If a fellow guest is a stinking foreigner you can comment on the way they eat, drink, excuse themselves, talk and dress. This is easily done when the foreigner in question is on the lavatory.

Some easy casual comments are:

"I say, did you notice how Francois gobbled his beef? Of course he's Belgian." "Osama really thinks that a nylon suit is the height of fashion... Arab." "J-Lo is an ugly bitch."

edit Step 3: Career

Now the time has come to use your new-found skills to further your career, or build one from scratch. Only in communist countries is it frowned upon to be a racist in the workplace. Any boss worth his salt is bound to find both direct and casual racism both hilarious and tasteful. It may be hard to find an opportunity to use racism in the office arena, your best bet is to use it to ingratiate yourself with the water-cooler hangers. These slackers are a useless but influential group in any office environment, it is they who rank every employees popularity and throw the best parties. Every water-cooler clique has a token black; whale on this guy. Foil his every anecdote and witticism with a better, more racist one. This will make the others respect you. If called in to a disciplinary hearing with your boss use this to further your case, crack a racist joke or just a simple comment such as the ones we learned above and see his eyes light up in delight.

edit Step 4: Paraphernalia

And now, a very vital step. Purchase a racist flag (Nazi, Confederate or Luxembourgen) or twenty-nine. But don't just stop here. You can get a tattoo of your favourite racist, Hitler and Popeye are the best ones. You can invest in a Jeep, fascist arm-band or even a tank! Racist bling will help give the cause "street-cred" and a pit-bull terrier will help fend off all the coons, slopes, yids and wogs who attempt to rape you, as they most certainly will you steely-eyed, beautiful muscular man/woman.

edit Step 5: Making New Friends

As you can probably guess now that you're becoming a racist, you will need to find a new social environment. You may remember you were once a productive member of society with one minority friend who you worked with. This can not be. As a racist, you will need to hang out with other racists. Racists are rare and hard to find these days. Some good places to start looking are: The local old folks home, the laundromat downtown after seven o'clock closing time, Alabama or Essex etc. Anywhere else you find racists will do, just find them and stick by them.

edit Success!

Now dear reader I hope I have set you on your journey towards new heights of manliness, success, popularity and riches. Racism opens doors to worlds you never new existed and shuts doors to the ones no one wants to know about. There are as many ways of being racist as there are racists, and you have to find your on way from now on. Find a form of racism that is most comfortable to you and work on it every day. Good luck!

Oh and one more thing, my voluptuous little peach treat. If ever down your path do you realize you need help, Fox News Channel™ will always be there for you. Learn from the pros like Bill O'RLY and Glenn Beck. Now go, my little gold noodle! Do the right thing... do the right thing..

If there is one thing in this world worth preserving, promoting and defending, it is White People. One can have any other cause but if they don't address the basic issue of White People and their survival, they are missing the boat in totality.

Anything which helps the White Race survive, expand and advance is good. Doing what is good for the White Race is the highest virtue that any White can partake in and doing what is bad for the White Race is the ultimate sin, and should never be done. Simply stated, what is good for the White Race is Good and what is bad for the White Race is Bad. Period.

There is either loyalty or treason. There is truly no middle ground. The White Race is on the brink of literal physical extinction. One can either be loyal to the White Race or be a traitor to the White Race.

The White Race is the priority. The guiding principle of all your actions shall be: What is best for the White Race?

We believe that what is good for the White Race is the highest virtue and what is bad for the White Race is the ultimate sin. Furthermore we believe that racial loyalty is the greatest of all honors and racial treason is the worst of all crimes.

Personal tools