Crazy About Nothing Author's Notes: All 5x13x6 and what not is dedicated to Kitsune Inari, who drew me the most BEAUTIFUL pic for my page. It can be found here.


Rated: PG-13


Crazy About Nothing
by Clara

"Duuuuuooooooooo..." a familiar voice wafted down the hall like pungent odor. "Oh, Duuuuuoooooo.."

The said character pulled his pillow over his head and shoved his braid in his mouth, to keep from screaming obscenities at the person crowing at the foot of his door.

Must not kill.. must not kill.. must not kill..


"God damnit!" The violet eyed boy spat the end of his braid out of his mouth and flung his pillow at the door, as if the stuffed case would banish the epitome of evil. "Go AWAY, Relena! It's only.." he paused, then glanced outside, "..hell! It's still DARK outside!"

For a brief, very, very brief moment, there was silence. Then the banshee started up again. "Is that anyway to treat the person who is providing you with shelter and food?"

Duo paused, glancing around the room he was currently sleeping in. What he saw was a dinky little room, filled with pots and pans to catch the rain water that seeped in from the cracks in the ceiling. Truth be told, it was as if Relena has chosen the worst room in her exclusive castle to stick Duo in.

"She expects me to be grateful?" Duo muttered in disdain, while he pulled himself up. The sheets slid from his slender frame and to the ground as he stood up. For a moment, he frowned thoughtfully, then grabbed the sheets and pulled them around his waist. For modesty.

And for the fact that he rather enjoyed having his head connected to his neck.

That is.. if they could catch him and restrain him long enough for them to decapitate him.

"I think, if I had a choice, I would go back to the Obaa-san. She may have been the devil, but I can safely say I prefer her over Relena.." he grumbled to his faded reflection in the yellowing mirror. Of course, he knew this was a lie, but there were times when he enjoyed lying to himself.

No wait, not a lie. Just a little.. fib. After all, he may not speak the truth, but Duo Maxwell never, ever lied.

Suddenly, the braided boy fidgeted nervously. Okay, so that wasn't.. entirely the truth. What he was doing could be considered a "lie".. even though it wasn't his idea.


"Duo Maxwell, if you don't open this door right this instant, I'm going to break it down!" Duo smirked. The tone Relena was using almost made him believe she would. He was unable to restrain the tiny giggle that came along with the mental image of Relena tearing down the door.

"Haa~aaai Relena-sama!" Duo said in a sing song voice, stretching languidly, then taking slow, leisurely steps towards the door. The pounding, cussing, threats and pleads did nothing to hasten the boy's steps, and when he finally reached the door, Relena was practically _screaming_. Not to mention literally using her body to slam up against the door. A smirk played across Duo's lips. That girl was just too fun to annoy.

Just as Relena was preparing a powerful body slam against his door, Duo swung it open. Letting out a surprised yelp, the blonde went flying across his room and unceremoniously slammed against his wall.


Duo clutched his sides, doubled over with almost painful laughter. There wasn't much he could do against Relena, but what he could do he was sure to stay in his memories forever. Treasured.. remembered.. and all that nice fluffy stuff.

The effect of Duo's laughter was almost instantaneous. The temperature of the room dropped by about ten degrees, and Relena became an icicle, so to speak.

"I wouldn't laugh if I were you, Shikyo," she said chillingly. Predictably, Duo froze.

Then Relena took that exact time to _really_ look at the annoyed boy.

"Eeeek! DUO! Have you no SHAME?!" The pile of pink immediately flung her hands over her eyes. Duo blinked down at his not-so-covered body, then snorted.

"Other people would _kill_ to be in your shoes, 'Lena.."

"Well, I'm not 'other people', Duo." She didn't uncover her eyes. "I would think kitsune's would have more modesty in front of the people that bind them!"

"You don't know kitsune's very well," Duo muttered. Four tails lashed about angrily for a moment, then he smirked and dropped the sheet. "Ne, 'Lena.. you can uncover your eyes now. I'm dressed."

"Thank God.." Relena let out a breath of relief, then dropped her gloved hands. Her eyes widened to the size of saucers, then she let out a shriek that nearly destroyed Duo's sensitive fox ears. Instead of revealing the discomfort he felt, an extremely naked Duo posed suggestively.


Of all the Japanese phrases she had to pick up..


An extremely disgruntled Relena crouched behind a long row of rose bushes, the braid of a certain smug kitsune clutched in death grip in her hand. It was plain to see by the look on Relena's face that she was picturing the braid to be the limb that attached his head to his shoulders..

"Now remember, Shikyo, don't mess up."

Some of the smugness dripped away from Duo's face, only to be replaced by a detached sort of look. A look that was void of any emotion.

A look that belonged anywhere besides the normally cheerful kitsune's face.

"Relena-sama, if you keep throwing my name around like a useless piece of trash, I shall have to do everything in my power to have you destroyed. You realize, that if anyone besides you knows my real name, then there is guaranteed destruction on my part? And if I am destroyed, then you can damn well bet that my.. friends will come after your scrawny little throat." His grin turned feral. "And I can promise that you do NOT want my friends after your pale little neck."

For a moment, Relena turned an unhealthy pasty color. Then she frowned haughtily, turning her nose up in the air in the best princessly manner she could. "Well then.. start listening to me more!"

Duo snorted. "Yeah. Well, go do your business, _Princess_. Let's just get this over with."

Relena shot Duo a dirty look for his obvious lack of respect, but didn't say anything. Instead, she just made her way carefully through the thorny maze.


The blonde princess scowled and turned to face Duo, carefully holding a particularly spiky branch away from her. "What?" she asked irritably.

Duo offered Relena a particularly cheeky grin. "Isn't the man supposed to woo the girl?"

Relena answered by showing him her hand, then putting down four of her fingers.

The only thing this proved to do was send Duo into gales of laughter. "'Lena! You're the man of the relationship, aren't you?"

Relena steadfastly ignored the jaunty quips about her gender problems. However, the fact that hands were clenched and that her back was rigid warned Duo that he had better shut up or else get his tails removed by her own hands. He winced. Relena had tried that before when Duo had been particularly bothersome, and it wasn't a feeling he wanted to go through any time in the near future.

So wisely, Duo Maxwell snapped his mouth shut.



Relena Peacecraft was an intelligent woman. Especially for her time.

She knew that she was putting herself in danger, especially since she hadn't thought ahead to dress in peasant clothing. It would be simple to point her out in a crowd, if she needed to suddenly flee.


However, even though Relena was intelligent, she lacked one important necessity.

"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEROOOOO!!! I want to talk to yooo~oou!"


Relena stood underneath the balcony of her "love", howling in what Duo fondly referred to as her banshee scream. Duo sighed dramatically, then idly rubbed two of his tails together. A small ball of kitsune-bi appeared, floating in front of his eyes playfully. Duo yawned, then swatted boredly at the violet sphere.

"It's two in the morning, Relena. What do are you doing outside this late?"

Immediately, two faces snapped up. One face was practically brimming with love and happiness, while the other was twisted in disbelief.

She dragged me out at this ungodly hour to this ungodly place for HIM?! I would have at least expected him to be a lot more.. well.. a lot less.. NORMAL. At least.. he looks so normal from way up there. Hmm.. maybe he's more attractive in the light.. Although Relena had dragged the reluctant fox on her many trips to her "secret lover".

However, instead of voicing his opinion about the unruly haired prince, Duo just waited for the new signal. He didn't exactly know what the signal would be, but Relena told him he would be SURE to recognize it.

"Look, Relena.. I'm trying to sleep here." 'Heero' said indignantly. "Can't you come back later in the day?" The annoyed man spun around and was about to walk back into his room when Relena frantically waved the signal at Duo.

Duo choked back a snort of laughter. She was flipping him off!

"Tell him.. tell him that the rest of the night will be incomplete without his voice.. his face.." Duo whispered, in a highly amused voice.

"Wait! Please! Heero.." She paused dramatically, then said in an artificially flavored voice, "the rest of the night will be incomplete without your voice.. your face.." She trailed off hopefully, widening her eyes in complete innocence.

Heero paused, interest piqued. Although he did have a good amount of admires, who he figured were just after his father's throne, none of them had ever tried to 'woo' him..

Duo idly batted around his foxfire, amusement long drained from his face. He was getting so booooored.. "Please, step out into the light so I can watch how the moonlight plays across your features and how it.. hmm.. makes him look so beautiful he looks ethereal," Duo whispered to Relena's back.

"Please, come out into the light so I can how the moonlight plays across your features and how it makes you look so beautiful." Her voice became more dreamy. "It makes you look.. ethereal."

"Like a mystical being.."

"Like a mystical being," Relena repeated, stars glittering in her eyes.

"A god.."

"A god.."

Intrigued, Heero stepped out into the moonlight. This time, Duo gasped quietly.

Well.. okay.. Relena DOES have good taste in men. Man, those eyes..

There was complete silence for a couple of minutes, Duo too enraptured by the dazzling sight in front of him for his vocal chords to properly work. He tried, he really did, but all he could manage was a few guttural sounds and a surprised whimper.

The kitsune-bi danced around Duo's head, bored since it's creator had started to ignore it. Abruptly, the little ball of purple fire leapt out of Duo's reach and right into the rose bush, startling him out of his stupor. Letting out an indignant yowl, Duo lunged after the foxfire, completely forgetting about Relena and Heero.

Not to mention that rose bushes had thorns.

"ITAI!" Duo yelped as the miniature spikes seemed to attack Duo.

Relena's eyes widened in gleeful surprise. Duo was saying romantic words in that other language for her to use on Heero! Tilting her head up dreamily, she smiled sweetly at Heero.


Heero, who had been growing bored because of the sudden silence, snapped back to attention. Being fluent in Japanese, this wasn't exactly what he expected to hear when being.. 'wooed'. Itai..? The tired prince glanced down at Relena, this time with a bit more interest. "Are you okay?" Actually, it came out more like a statement than a question. He frowned. Well, he had never been accused as a people person..

Relena blinked. Heero blinked. Duo scrambled desperately after his foxfire, who suddenly did not want to be near it's maker.

"Kuso!" Duo spat as the thorns tore at his flesh. He reached out trying to grab the erratic ball of fire, but it continued to stay just out of his reach. It would not come back to his mental callings, no matter how hard he tried. "Daijoubu desu ka?!"

"Kuso. Daijoubu desu ka?" Relena said, looking slightly relieved. The dreamy look was back on her face.

Heero blinked, lips twitching slightly. If anything, this was NOT what he was expecting. This whole situation was becoming ridiculous, and he had to fight back a chuckle. Although he wasn't exactly fond of Relena, he didn't want to _embarrass_ the girl..

Scratch that. A frown made it's way across Heero's face. That was an awfully rude question to ask anyone, especially when you were trying to woo someone. "Look, Relena. I have no time for games. I need sleep." He turned around and started to walk back into his room. "Goodnight, Princess," he said in a chillingly polite voice.

"Urusai!" Duo shouted at the kitsune-bi, who suddenly, for the strangest reason, started to laugh. Since when could my foxfire laugh?

"Urusai!" Relena repeated frantically, in hopes that Duo had finally regained his senses. She let out a small sigh of relief when Heero stopped.

"What. Did. You. Just. Say?" The prince turned around slowly.

The tone Heero used caused both Relena and Duo to freeze, Relena with surprise and a good amount of fright, and Duo with donning realization about what he just said.

"Um.. u-urusai?" Relena stuttered nervously, pinned by Heero's frozen eyes. Duo groaned and smacked his forehead.

"Baaaka!" Duo hissed at Relena.

"..." Heero turned around again, determined not to overreact and just to forget this night.

"Uh.. uhm.. baka?" Relena said meekly. Duo fell flat on his face, then cursed when he realized he just fell face first into a rose bush.

"SHIMATTA!" Duo howled, leaping from the bush.

Heero spun around quickly, whipping out one of his many knives. That wasn't Relena's voice..

"What the HELL was that?!"

-end chapter one

Side Note:
-Kitsune-bi and foxfire are the same thing. It's a ball of fire that the kitsune's create by breathing it out or rubbing their tails together. This can be used as a type of weapon, or a toy.
-When someone finds out a kitsune's real name, they can use it to bind the kitsune to them or banish them. Relena used this on Duo to bind him to her.
-Thank you SOO much Nari and Sumire who helped me with japanese translation..