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A cheap shot at parenting's competitive edge

May 15, 2003

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It's tough on kids in these competitive times, but even tougher on parents, writes Danny Katz.

Maddie is eight and she does tennis, Hannah is six and she does guitar, Declan is nine and he does swimming and piano and cub scouts - and that's just on Mondays. Then on Tuesdays he does footy and violin and drama, then on Wednesdays he does art class and chess club and gym group, then on Thursdays he does leadlighting and glassblowing and fruit preservation, then on Fridays he just has a nice quiet one - he goes to the psychiatrist for his weekly stress therapy session.

Kids today are doing TOO many activities: every day they're doing sports things and music things and creative things and it's crazy, it's ridiculous, IT'S TOO MUCH - the average kid has got a busier schedule than Eddie McGuire in Logies week. If they're not going to athletics, they're going to clarinet, if they're not going to clarinet, they're going to knitting, if they're not going to knitting, they're going to Thai kick-boxing because all their friends keep teasing them about going to knitting.

And all this rushing around can't be good, it can't be healthy; those little bodies can't take that kind of relentless strain - and I'm not talking about the kids, I'm talking about the parents who have to do all that driving. I know a woman with five kids, and she clocks up more kilometres in one hour than a taxi driver on a weekend shift: she doesn't step out of her car between 3pm and 9pm - I don't want to tell you how she goes to the toilet but let's just say there's more than one use for a glove compartment and a reusable blackcurrant-apple Juicy Pop bottle.

When I was a kid, we didn't do 8000 different things every day: we just went to school, we came home, and then we watched Gilligan's Island. THAT WAS ALL YOU DID - unless you were a really clever, precocious, advanced child, and then you might watch Gilligan's Island AND McHale's Navy.

In those days, we had plenty of free time: we could just hang out with our friends, or play with our toys, or sit alone in our rooms with a piece of tracing paper and an Archie comic book, and trace pictures of Betty and Veronica without any clothes on . . . not that I ever did that . . . it was someone else I knew . . . and his name was . . . Daniel . . . Gratz.

But anyway, for some reason, modern parents feel this ridiculous pressure to give their children lots of opportunities, and expose them to lots of stimuli, and pack every waking moment of their little lives with lessons and exercises and skill-learning - it's like a work-for-the-dole scheme, but in short pants and Pokemon T-shirts.

Kids are being forced to grow up too fast; they don't have time to do kiddie-stuff anymore, like play imaginative games, or just stare at the clouds, or sit in their room with some tracing paper . . . and an Archie comic . . . like that guy . . . Daniel Gratz.

So why are parents doing this to their kids? Is it because they want to give their children every advantage in life as we head towards a future fraught with challenges and uncertainty? No, I don't think so; I think it's because parents are naturally competitive creatures who want their kids to be better than everybody else's kids, and I base this claim on the irrefutable scientific fact that I AM AN INSECURE, JEALOUS, COMPETITIVE LITTLE PRAT OF A PARENT.

Yes, I suffer from a bad case of Competitive-Parent Syndrome: if someone else's kid is doing art classes, then I want MY kid to do art classes too - her portraits of Humpty Dumpty should be entered in the Archibald Prize.

If someone else's kid is learning music, then MY kid should be learning music, too - my boy is going to be the next Mozart, even though Mozart was an unloved alcoholic whose body was dumped in a lime-pit. If I hear little Johnny next door is doing Japanese Sashiko needlework, then I'm panicking, I'm flipping out, I'm thinking to myself, "Oh my God, maybe Japanese Sashiko needlework is vital to a child's upbringing, maybe my kids are missing out on something important, MAYBE LITTLE JOHNNY WILL BE MORE SUCCESSFUL IN LIFE BECAUSE HE BENEFITED FROM THE JAPANESE SASHIKO NEEDLEWORK EXPERIENCE", and suddenly I'll want to sign my kids up for lessons, three times a week, in Japan.

I'm the most insecure, bitter, jealous, annoying parent EVER, but fortunately for me, my Competitive-Parent Syndrome tends to clash with my Lazy-And-Cheap-Parent Complex so, in the end, my kids don't really do very much at all - they just do piano and this weird jazz-ballet/African-tribal fusion dancing. Oh, and karate, too - but that's just because all their friends keep teasing them about the dancing.



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