Today in celebrity gossip: Zac Efron and Michelle Rodriguez broke up; Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon broke up; Jersey Shore's Ronnie and Sammi broke up.

When news first began to spread that two of Hollywood's hottest and hot-blooded opposite gender-enthusiasts had at long last found love in each other's arms, I think we all breathed a sigh of relief. We live in a confusing world where there's so rarely rhyme or reason to any of the universe's inner workings and sometimes it's nice to witness something that looks so good on paper ALSO work out perfectly in real life. Zac Efron and Michelle Rodriguez were made for each other, nobody can deny this, and for once a Hollywood romance provoked absolutely zero questions or doubts in fans' minds. This was real and it was forever. Except whoops! Life's bitter cruelties remain limitless as it now falls to me to bring you some bad news: We were wrong. Sometimes not even perfect pairings last forever; Zac Efron and Michelle Rodriguez have called off their romance. Much like the cursed pairing of otherwise made-for-each-other Eurydice and Orpheus, sometimes beauty and truth are too complicated for something so ephemeral as true love. According to E! Online, "Zac Efron and Michelle Rodriguez have decided to go their separate ways" but with the added caveat, "for now." Because who can really say when the next time this perfectly complementary pair will once again interlock and become more than the sum of their parts? Nobody can. Except, what's this? A third party MAY have come between them? According to E!, Michelle's previous fling Cara Delevingne was constantly being mentioned in front of Efron! "It was always, 'Cara, Cara, Cara.'" In fact, both Rodriguez and Delevingne are currently palling around New York City together. And where is Efron? He's "working out in L.A." Ugh, heartache. When will you leave us alone? Zac Efron and Michelle Rodriguez are no longer soul mates. BUT WHY? Much like in our search for the origins and purpose of love itself, we may never get the answers we seek, sorry. [E! Online]

More bad news, I'm afraid: Page Six is now reporting that Mariah Carey and her agèd child-groom Nick Cannon have effectively separated. According to their "sources," Page Six believes that the pair have been "living separately" for some time, which is a normal progression when it comes to amicable splits. Except, what's this? "She hired security to keep him away from other women." Okay, uh, that's probably normal too right? Anyway, it appears Carey has been living in their shared home with their twin children while Cannon has been "staying at his grandparents’ house during a trial separation." Apparently "rumors swirled this week that the couple were set to officially announce their breakup" and Page Six's primary evidence for this seems to be the fact that the pair haven't been appearing in each other's Instagram photos lately. No, seriously, they've checked. Anyway, yeah. Will Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon actually break up? Stay tuned. Or at least stay out-of-tune and surprisingly raspy. [Page Six, Page Six]

This one might just hit the hardest: Longtime Jersey Shore love birds Ronnie Magro and Sammi Giancola have broken things off after five years of on-again, off-again psychosexual intrigue. So what could have caused this pillar of the Jersey Shore legacy to finally crumble? Were their tastes in literature incompatible? One too many cutting remarks during wine tastings? Noticeably reduced sexual chemistry following an argument stemming from their diametrically opposed interpretations of Goethe's later writings? Actually it was much simpler than that: "We were drifting apart and not really spending any time together." Tragedie, you dark shepherd, why must you terrorize these lambs so? Anyway, Ronnie and Sammi have broken up and that is the new reality we live in now. Enjoy. [MTV]

Are Rihanna and Drake back together again? Well, are they? Are they? But seriously, are they? According to Page Six Rihanna recently "met up with Drake at The Griffin in the Meatpacking District late Monday, where they occupied neighboring tables but stayed close all night." Neighboring tables! There is no stronger confirmation of a rekindled romance than sitting near someone's table in a restaurant. But you make the call: Are Drake and Rihanna back together? Please answer me. Please. I can't do this without you. Are they? [Page Six]

Headline presented without comment: Lindsay Lohan’s credit card declined at a nightclub [Page Six]

Guys, sad news. Justin Bieber shaved off his wispy, upsetting mustache!

Meanwhile Alex Pettyfer took a selfie during a Britney Spears concert:

Here's Steven R. McQueen finally giving the people what they want and participating in the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge meme:

Same thing with Katy Perry, who of course went boringly over the top with it and concluded by tagging no less than Madonna:

I don't know what Austin Mahone is up to in this picture but it probably doesn't matter:

Finally, Vin Diesel did the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge too, but he concluded it by taking a hot shower where he snapped this sensuous selfie and posted it to Facebook. For charity!