Calling Social Security Office Is A Boomer's Latest Nightmare

It's easier to Barack on the line than a person

There comes a time in every baby boomer's life when he or she must deal with the Social Security Administration. This is not cause for alarm.

Once you get to speak to a representative, you will find them pleasant and helpful. The trick is getting to a representative. I don't mean to be discouraging, but it is easier to get Barack on the line.

Like many businesses large and small, Social Security has succumbed to the automated phone answering system. These systems do two things:

They save the company money.

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They make callers hate the company.

There was a time in a bureaucratic galaxy far, far away when you could dial up your local Social Security office and speak to a local human being. Not anymore.

Now, all calls are automatically switched to a central location where an annoying micro-chippie does everything in her power to keep you from speaking with an actual person.

To begin the process you must select a language, be made aware there is a website, and understand that your call may be recorded for training purposes (um, training purposes)?

Does this mean recorded calls are being used to train the computer generated beings answering the phone? I've rather suspected this was the case for a while now. I mean, has anyone else noticed how the micro-chippies are quicker to cop an attitude these days, and even get a little huffy when you swear at them?

Anyway, after the virtual representative is finished aggravating you, she passes you along to another virtual representative who tells you the wait time for a human representative is 15 minutes, or you can call back (this is where the swearing comes in.)

And so … "Like sand through an hour glass …"

Suddenly, there is a real person on the line who will be glad to help but first has a few questions to make sure you are who you say you are.

Age? Address? Social Security number?

How much does your mother-in-law weigh?

What brand of whiskey did your third grade teacher drink at recess?

What is your porn name (determined by combining the name of your first pet and the street you grew up on.) FYI: Scooter Dorchester.

"So, sir, how can I help you?"

"Damned if I know."

