If you were a bit of a Queen Bee at school (and willing to admit to it!) can you help my DD please?

(22 Posts)
SirChenjin Tue 21-May-13 20:41:38

She's been on the receiving end of quite a bit of nonsense and drama recently, and was told that she was no longer welcome on the group lunch table tomorrow as she committed the cardinal sin of sitting with someone else who doesn't quite 'fit the bill' hmm. Fortunately she has other, much nicer friends that she can hang around with, but she'd still like to know why some girls are so bitchy and what the best way of dealing with the endless drama is. She's quite quiet and has a very kind wee heart - it's horrible to watch, but it's like history repeating itself as I was exactly the same when I was 14 and totally clueless as to the world of the clique.

Any suggestions? smile

usualsuspect Tue 21-May-13 20:47:29

Tell her to ignore the Queen Bee types and be comfortable with herself and her other friends.

Its ok not to fit in.

SirChenjin Tue 21-May-13 21:00:56

I've told her (and told her, and told her some more...!) but I think she's trying to understand why some girls behave like this. It's completely beyond her, and because I don't get it either I'm about as much use as a chocolate teapot

Kafri Tue 21-May-13 21:17:47

well, the queen bees of my school year have all come unstuck with it in adult life.
one went on a reality tv show about finding love down under or summat and was booted off by the guy picking his date saying she was 'snooty'
another was beaten up by some work colleagues (I DO NOT ADVOCATE VIOLENCE)
And another one (who was er, well known among the boys wink) was cheated on by the 'love of her life'

they behave like this bexausr the other girls put them on a pedestal and want to be like them and the boys all fancy them which makes the girls want to be one of them even more - how fun it was to be a teen.

QTPie Tue 21-May-13 21:20:49

How old is she?

I had terrible trouble at school with bitchiness (other people's, not mine). I have always been a studious, quiet, serious type with a good heart and strong sense of "right and wrong" (none of which make you hugely popular at school...). I got through it and went to a different sixth form and met many fab people there - it was like a different world! Don't know if it was because people are generally more grown-up in sixth form or because I was just surrounded with many more "like minded" people. Possibly a bit of both.

Encourage her to look elsewhere for friends (both within school and outside of school): they really are beneath her and will only bring stress and upset. There are lots of nice people out there, so it isn't worth bothering with people who aren't nice (and are unlikely to make true good friends).

lola88 Tue 21-May-13 21:21:50

Some girls act like this because they can the power to decide where other people sit and who is friends with who makes them feel just that powerful and in control. It makes them feel like they matter and are important the need to feel like this because they are not happy with who they are not confident in themselves and use the power of being Queen B to boost there ego and feel secure in being liked. It's a trip to be in charge of other people think bouncers at a night club 'not tonight guys' just for kicks.

Tell your daughter to give as good as she gets if it was me being told I couldn't sit with them I would say oh I actually wasn't planning on sitting with you... sorry all the while looking like i'm embarrassed that they actually thought I was going to sit with people like them, also some comments about how some people find it hard to make friends but I (being your daughter) pretty much can fit in anywhere. They will soon want her back in the group if they think she doesn't want to be then she can have the pleasure of telling them 'eh yeah maybe tomoro or something'

I can be a stone cold bitch though.

QTPie Tue 21-May-13 21:24:22

To be completely honest, I really think that people behave like that because they are insecure: they try desperately to feel better by building themselves up and putting others down. People who are secure within themselves just don't need to do that.

This is why the most beautiful people are those that are relaxed, secure, smile and make others feel good about themselves...

I wasn't one, but I believe it varies with the individual. With some it comes from fear / insecurity. With others it comes from anger and a need for control.

I would recommend reading 'Odd Girl Out' by Rachel Simmons, which is a detailed study on relational aggression.

SirChenjin Tue 21-May-13 21:42:38

Thanks for all your posts smile, they've been really helpful. There is absolutely nothing that would make me want to be 14 again - the endless dramas, petty bitchiness and constant put-downs she tells me about are just awful. The ringleader is a girl who's mum left the family home and she lives with her 2 brothers and dad - I suspect (although I don't know obv) that she's taking out some of her frustrations on DD and perhaps trying to exert some level of control over her life at school.

monicalewinski Tue 21-May-13 21:51:32

I think the key is to not try to fit in with them or make sense of why they are saying things. The Queen Bee will make a decision about someone/thing because she can and the others will follow because it's safer to run with the herd.

The best thing to do, I think, is to just get on with hanging about with her other friends without acknowledging dismay that she's been left out of the other group. Don't give them ammunition to keep things directed towards herself (ie don't ask "why?"), but don't ignore them either - mild and friendly, whilst quietly moving on to her other (nicer) friends.

SummersComing1111 Tue 21-May-13 22:08:34

I was one i and really regret it looking back now i was so stuck up my own arse, it happened as i thought if i dont be like these girls ill be bullied so everyday i wore alot of make up and curled my hair from 14 , i was soon " allowed " to sit with them, for the record there was never no bullying never would i do that ! I hated it but if i stopped hanging with them id be laughed at so i stuck with it,

My advice for ur daughter is DONOT follow this clique its not worth it they are never ur real friends i only speak to one of the other girls now and thats cus she was quite like me, tell her to stay with her nice friends they will care about her the others wont ! Its one of my biggest regrets

Millais Tue 21-May-13 22:23:23

This is a really good book

My daughter found this so useful, identifying all the groups and even looking at her own behaviour to see how she might come across. Easy read too.

Primafacie Tue 21-May-13 23:16:53

You should watch the movie together, it is brilliant.

Primafacie Tue 21-May-13 23:19:09

Sorry, I mean the Mean Girls movie. I wish this had been around when I was a teen.

SirChenjin Wed 22-May-13 11:53:33

Thanks for the book/film suggestion - will have a look at that. Summers - I think that's probably it, there are probably one or two ringleaders and the others are too scared to stick their head above the parapet for fear of being ostracised.

I'm hoping DD is OK today - today is the day she is banished from their lunch table(!), but she was fine about it last night and plans to sit with another less dramatic group.

ihearttc Wed 22-May-13 19:01:38

I was definitely not the Queen Bee at school...in fact I was on the receiving end of a lot of nasty behaviour like your DD.

If its any help (and I appreciate it might not be!)...I dealt with it by becoming friends with a lot of the boys. I do mean just friends as well lol!! I had one "best friend" who was a girl but apart from that used to hang about with the boys most of the time. For some bizarre reason it really used to irritate the Queen Bee types because what on earth would the boys want with me cause I was neither pretty or popular (not saying your daughter is the same but you know what I mean!) but it meant that they started showing me respect and treating me like an actual human being. Boys (in the most part) are far more simplistic creatures...they have a fight and get over it whereas girls can twist things to create this huge drama all the time and I really couldn't be dealing with it.

Even now Ive got a couple of lovely female friends but Im much more comfortable with men cause I know I won't get bitched about!

NotSoNervous Wed 22-May-13 19:06:08

I've only read the up but some girls are like this because they can. Who's going to stop them? Their 'mates' are intimidated by them so whatever they say goes and that gives them the control to be bitches, they normally feel entitled aswell. This is one based on the ones I've come across

SirChenjin Wed 22-May-13 21:02:02

Well, she sat with another group at lunchtime as requested, and it was fine. She did go and speak to her year tutor though to explain what was going on and how she was upset by it, and the tutor then had a word with the girls. I'm not sure that was the right thing for DD or the tutor to do, but it's done now and hopefully it will all blow over in a couple of days, she'll carry on sitting with the other crowd and the Queen Bees will move on.

She's got an activity day on Monday and only knows 2 girls who are going - both from the Queen Bee group sad. She's begging to be allowed to stay off 'ill' - I don't really know what to do. Do I let her? If she goes she'll have no-one to sit with on the bus or hang about with when she gets there, and she's quite quiet so definitely won't find it easy to latch onto another group.

Sadly I think she needs to go to the activity day. Its so hard, and if it was my DD my heart would be breaking for her, but its one of those things in life. She needs to hold her head high and keep going.

GingerDoodle Thu 23-May-13 13:31:56

Some girls like to play Queen Bee for the attention and ego stroking - sadly for some in carries well into adulthood!

Thesebootsweremadeforwalking Thu 23-May-13 13:43:31

Poor DD. I had similar problems at school around her age, and I can remember begging to stay home on certain days to avoid activities which meant I couldn't avoid the clique.

I wish I had some proper advice to give you, but I do vividly recall that at some point the penny dropped for me that I didn't have to be liked by everyone, and that sitting alone (like on your DD's activity day) was not actually the worst thing that could be happening, compared to still trying in vain to please Queen Bee.

Do you think it might help your DD if you showed her this thread?

SirChenjin Thu 23-May-13 22:21:09

All quiet today - long may it continue! She's in better spirits, and we've had a chat about not reacting to the Bees, not showing them she's bothered in the slightest, and holding her head high. Still to make a decision re Monday.

Thanks for all you help and advice smile

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