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 4/20/07 Rally in Denver (Photo from msnbc)

How Dr. Madras from the White House drug office responded when asked what she thinks of 420 celebrations on college campuses:

“It’s tragic for our country,” Dr. Bertha Madras, deputy director of demand reduction in the White House drug office, said in an interview with “It is a tragedy that this is a media circus event and it does not take into account what I have seen in treatment centers, what I have seen in weeping parents who have asked me for help with their children.”

Come on Bertha! I am not in any way advocating drug use but parents in treatment centers weeping about their kid's pot addiction?! Ha! I think old Bertha may be a little over dramatic.

If you are curious like me and want to know why today is the weed smoker's holiday you can read the whole article:

--Oh and do yourself a favor and check out the picture of Alan St. Pierre, executive director of NORML. I can see that guy hittin' the bong before a serious round of WOW!

Current Music: For Alan!-Greatful Dead, Phish, Widespread Panic, Pink Floyd

 Things I wish to do before I die:


Musings, thoughts, and brainstorms of several things I would like to do before I die...

1. Ride an ostrich

2. Kick a door in with high heels. Because its cool, that's why.

3. Meet a celebrity. Make it a point to say, "You're so much shorter in real life." Just to take them down a notch.

4. Go to the laundry list of countries that I must, absolutely must, experience, and really experience. No touristy trips for this girl, no sir...I'm going to meet with the real locals, go on the "front lines," so to speak, down in the trenches. I may not make it back from said countries.

5. Fake my own death to see who shows up at my funeral out of sheer curiosity. I may lose a significant amount of friends after this doosy. It's worth it.

6. Paint a huge self portrait of myself wearing a smoking jacket and holding a pipe. It will be undoubtedly terrible. Insist that all my friends and family purchase it.

7. Invent my own language. Refuse to teach anyone else. Speak it constantly.

8. Base jump off the Golden Gate Bridge. Ha! No f'ing way, are you crazy?

9. Crowd surf.

10. Get my pilots license.

11. Own a Doberman Pinscher, and a pony. If at all possible without mountains of red tape, a family of meerkats. They're just plain adorable, and I would love to go in my backyard and watch my meerkat family happily scurry around. Unless the Doberman ate them...let me rethink this one.

12. Open my McCracken's Bar & Grill, home of The Munson. Motto: "I got Munsoned at McCrackens." Patent pending.

13. Have an extra house on the river where all my awesome friends could come hang out with me, where we could cook out and invite drunken floaters to come up and hang out, meeting all kinds of crazy river folk along the way.

14. See the Northern Lights.

15. Make my own wine, grapes and all.

16. Never take myself too seriously.

By Erin

Current Location: Ye Olde Borax Mines
Current Music: Cassadega- Bright Eyes


You're probably just reading this blog because the title caught your eye.

Unfortunately, you may also be reading this article because you are on your way straight to the gulag. Yep, you've either been framed or finally snapped and cut off your ex-wife's head, earning a one way ticket straight to the clink. Either way, this is going to be no box social my friend, and hopefully you will take the following advice to heart and endure your time—nay, flourish—in your horrible, horrible new home. Or you'll get shanked in a prison riot. But buck up! We have done extensive research on optimal prison strategies because being prepared, smart, and having a plan is critical to not getting stabbed in the shower. (Always wear flip flops, by the way. Probably the least of your worries in the shower, but, it needs to be said.) We will also use prison slang for authenticity—please study this carefully, you will need it.  

Needless to say, we have spent alot of time considering prison life and optimal survival strategies; not because we're ever worried about being in prison, but because we heard the term "prison bride" once, and it made us exceedingly curious. Plus, it's always good to be prepared, because you never know.

Our qualifications, you ask? None to be spoken of. Andi has actually been near real, live prisoners before in her work at a forensic clinic, and I have watched a lot of Shawshank Redemption. But you don't have to work in the system to know what works—it just takes a little common sense and a badass plan. 

Also, this plan does not refer to time in the "bucket", or county jail. Chances are you're not going to be there a horribly long time, and most of your jail mates will be merely crazy meth heads and hot check writers. So quit whining, you could be in Attica. And the meth heads are, at times, quite entertaining.  

First day—Welcome! You're officially "fish", or a new inmate. You may be horrified and appalled at intake and at your new environment in general, but take heart. You can make any small space a home—think bright colors to open up a small space, pictures from home, perhaps a nice small knitted rug to liven things up. 

Ok, fun time's over. You're in the hoosegow now and need to think like a con. You have 2 first day strategies: attack or align.  

      Attack: Ballsy! But good for you! You may not have had time to whittle a shiv ("shank" is a verb, and "shiv" is the weapon itself, i.e., "to shank") yet, and you don't necessarily want to kill someone on your first day—you don't want to kill the wrong person. Stabbing the prison's "lugger" (someone who brings in drugs) could put you on many a shit list. Your best bet: a good punch in the face, or a meal tray over the head. Pick the biggest baddest ass in the cafeteria and give them a good fruit cocktail shower, or jump someone in the yard. This will tell the prison world that you are no wilting flower, and you call no man Mr.! Even if you get literally stomped into the ground, you've earned yourself some brownie points for bravery.

      Align: This may be the less pleasant of the two. As you may or may not have heard—prison sex is no fun. There are ways to avoid sexual favors, such as becoming a "sweet kid"—someone who looks up to an inmate and does non sexual favors for them for protection or knowledge. But it's really not very likely. These dudes have been in there a long time, and they are lonely with a capital L. While it may not be what you had in mind for your life, it's time to consider prison bridery. A marriage like alignment with an older inmate offers you protection from "booty bandits" or "wolves", i.e., those prisoners who prey sexually on weaker inmates, or "punks." (If you're very small in stature or white, this is definitely the way to go. For God's sake, you do not want to be a punk.) If you have to be a prison bride, be the best one you can be—do nice things for your "daddy", leave them little notes, fold their jumpsuits, etc. A little goes a long way, and ultimately you want to avoid being sold for a price (drugs, cigarettes, etc) to a less kind "daddy." Good daddies are hard to find, so love the one you're with. And just try to think of something else during the what-have-you.  

So you've made it through your first day! Congratulations! Whether you've garnered respect & admiration from your inmate brethren or merely died a little bit inside from a horrible night of prison sex—you've made it through that critical first day. Now it's time for long term strategies: 

Alignment: This is going to be about as good as it gets, so you are going to really need to resign yourself to that and make peace with it. Just think: it could be worse. Well, no. Really it can't. If you do find yourself in a sweet kid position (lucky dog!) you can learn lots of advance tips for prison survival from your mentor, meet new people who can help you get by, maybe take a class or two—the prison world is your oyster! 

Attack: Assuming your initial first day attempt didn't get you killed, you are free to peruse the exciting world of prison gang life. This involves a tight brotherhood offering protection-- and a nice feeling of belonging, as well. You could start a very lucrative career for yourself selling drugs, killing for hire, and so forth. You're going to want to perfect your "red eye" (hard stare), as well as whittle yourself several shivs to use when doing your dirty deeds or, (cross your fingers!) a good ol fashioned prison riot. While killing a "chota" (guard) could be curtains for you, at least you'll go out with the admiration of your companions. If you choose the gang life, you'll most likely be relegated to choices within your race, but these options can be plentiful, especially in larger prisons—so shop around for the gang that fits you best. 

Other options:

      Renaissance Man- Of course, you can find a happy medium of sorts in  prison, but the more ultra max you get, the more the above 2 options will remain your only options. But playing a more diplomatic hand will allow you to pursue your own interests. Perhaps you could take some college courses, or an anger management class, if you did indeed cut off your wife's head. You can always work on your physique, or convert to Islam and change your name. This could be a wonderful time of self renewal for you! I mean, really, what else are you going to do?

      "Do the Dutch"— or "topping" yourself—to commit suicide. Oh, come on now! You've got to think positively! Any day now you could get your "lifeboat" (pardon) or "kill your number" (get paroled). Think of the horrible, horrible irony of either of these two occurrences happening the day after you did yourself. Unless you're a prison bride, and in that case, I'd go for it. In this case, it truly isn't going to get any better. Sorry—we just like to be honest here. 

Well this certainly isn't a comprehensive guide to prison strategy, but we hope it will at least get you started on your exciting new prison career. Best of luck to you in all your pursuits!! 

Andi & Erin 

Also—Please, do not call or write from your respective prisons with questions/comments/marriage proposals.  


Current Location: The Plex
Current Music: Darjeeling Limited Soundtrack- Mark Mothersbaugh


Phrases That I Do Not Understand:
"Going to Hell in a Handbasket"—What IS a handbasket? And what is the significance of the person/item in question being in a handbasket on its/their journey to hell? This implies that one would not want to be transported in a handbasket, since the destination is, of course, Hades. Is a handbasket cramped? Smelly? Have pokey edges? If it's anything like riding a Transit Bus, then I can understand—riding in a Transit Bus to hell, with the colorful cast that rides said buses, would suck balls, to be sure. At least a handbasket most likely doesn't careen wildly down populated roadways, ripping off bumpers in its wake. But I digress. In my line of work I have never arranged the transport of any commodity in a handbasket. Then again, I've never had a consignee located in Hell, either. So there you go.
"Throwing the Baby out With The Bathwater"—Now, I understand that this means to do something that is inefficient and makes no sense. Why go to all that trouble to wash a baby (which is apparently a lot of trouble, I've never bathed a baby, myself. They're wily enough as is, and when they're slippery and difficult to control as well? No thank you.) when you're just going to toss out the back door? But really, couldn't we think of something that makes a bit more sense? We don't wash our children in wooden barrels anymore; we just drain the damn tub. This one just needs to be updated, IMHO.
"Happy as A Clam"—Who says clams are happy? And if they are, why? It would suck to be a clam; you live at the bottom of the ocean eating shit until someone pries your house open and eats you. Alive. Doesn't sound like much fun to be a clam. "Depressed as a clam" would be more appropriate, I think, or maybe "terrified as a clam".
"Face The Music"—What the hell? Why would having to confront something unpleasant mean to "face the music?" Why wouldn't it be "face the shit", or "face the suck".  I love music, and would enjoy "facing it" as it were, myself.
"Save face"—Again, a face reference. No sense at all. If you are humiliated, people hate your face? They steal your face? If there's face-bandits out there, I would like to know. (Which leads to many questions: if you can get arrested and charged for having a sack of weed, what happens if you have a sack of faces? See?) You still have the same face, whether or not you did something ridiculous while drunk or f'ed up at work. You can do whatever you want with your face, but you're still the same dumbass.
"Easy as pie"—I don't know if you've ever baked a pie but it's hard as shit. That lattice stuff on top? It would be easier for me to create my own space shuttle out of pizza boxes and aluminum foil and launch it out of the backyard. I'm sure it's easy for those of you who are cooking inclined (Dave) but I'd rather save myself the cursing, frustration, and fruit slinging and buy a damned Sarah Lee. (Aside: Is the song on the commericial "Nobody DOES it like Sarah Lee, or nobody DOESN'T LIKE Sarah Lee? Somebody might not like her, she could be a huge bitch, I mean, who knows.)
"Hoist by your own petard": Now I know what this means, I just think it's a great saying. Its one letter away from retard and being hoisted by your own retard is just fucking great. You know it is. The image of someone with Down's syndrome hoisting me up a flagpole by my pants is just magical. I'm officially going to hell now; let's hope it's not in handbasket (see above.) 

What are you ashamed of?
What I had to do to get by in prison.

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Current Location: Sagerusa! Fried oreos and doses!
Current Music: Lines In the Suit- Spoon

Name: wisecracken
Back April 2008
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