John Dvorak

Apple's iPad has inspired a new crop of pandering, uncritical "news" stories. It has to stop.

Apple iPad Coverage

They're hyperventilating as they write. You can tell, somehow. They're part of a new breed of breathless, swooning, OMG reviewers of (primarily Apple) products, services, and software. I've seen no evidence that they actually work for that company, despite the fact that they are mostly sycophantic promoters of all things Apple. This style of reviewing is beginning to sneak into everything. Are editors telling writers that this approach is okay?

When I read "10 Stellar iPad Apps That Will Blow You Away" over at Wired, I had to wonder whether the writer was getting a commission for this sort of pandering. The first time anyone used the phrase "blow you away" with regards to technology was when Apple introduced Lisa. Here we go again.

"Blow you away" indicates an explosive force that will move everything out of the way and leave you stunned. One of the apps in the list is a comic book reader. Another makes Craigslist easier to use. How much easier can it be than already is? Having a new Craiglist re-engineered for touch screens is not going to blow anyone away.

In fact, none of the apps in the story were significant or mind-boggling. But it doesn't matter, since the iPad itself is the true target of this affection. I've yet to find anyone who can show me a useful app on the iPad, other than a text reader. "Golly, look at how you get to turn a virtual sheet of paper!" I've long been baffled by e-book reading software that uses code to make it look as though you are turning a page. What's the point? Yeah, it's cute, but guess what: it's not really a sheet of paper. It's like a veggie burger designed for vegetarians. What's the point? If you like hamburgers so much, eat a real one. If you want to turn pages, buy a book.

I don't want to throw cold water on the party. After all, much of the appeal of the iPad and all of these apps is simple juvenile attraction to a really great toy. "Mommy, I have to have one! I'm going to hold my breath until I get it!" And once you get this object of desire, you need constant reassurance that the device is, in fact, important. You don't want to feel like an idiot carrying it with you everywhere you go.

I've had guys come on Cranky Geeks and prop an iPad up on the table. Why? Who knows? They never do anything with it. They'll glance at it, once in a while. For what? Just to show us that they have one, I guess.

So instead of real reviews of these apps, all we get is breathless promotion. It's justification for having the device with you at all times. But in reality, you could just put your iPad in a closet and forget about it, and your life wouldn't change one iota. When I point this out to iPad owners, they say, "that's true, but the device is cool." Cool? At least they're not saying "neat-o," "keen," or "boss."

This list of "stellar apps" could have just as easily been titled "10 Banal Apps to Clog Up Your iPad." Seriously. Let's run down the list: another reader app, a GoToMyPC clone, a musical app that plays notes on a virtual piano, a comic book reader, a program that turns the iPad into a PC display, some social networking add-on, a Safari plug-in, a Craigslist interface, a note taker, and a program that shows a photo from The Guardian once a day. Let's read the description of that last one,

The Guardian Eyewitness
The Guardian came up with a great way to take advantage of the iPad's beautiful display with this app. Each day, The Guardian Eyewitness displays a new, high-resolution photo from the British newspaper. The images are stunning, and they include both a caption and a pro tip on how each photo was shot.

Holy crap, Batman! This stellar app is going to blow me away!

There's something wrong with these editors and writers who fall all over themselves because of apps like the one from The Guardian. Maybe they're on the Apple payroll, or maybe they're just insane. This non-critical approach to all things Apple needs to stop. The hyperbole is ridiculous. Perhaps everyone is fearful of the deluge of hate mail and vile comments you receive when you're critical of an Apple product.

There's an insecurity amongst Apple fanboys. It says that the company's products have a lot of flaws no one wants discussed. It's amazing how they stew in their own anger when the mildest critique appears. It's as if they are being personally targeted. So what we end up with is pandering boosterism of articles like the one above, designed to assure buyers that the $895 they shelled out for an iPad was well-spent. Personally, I think it's pathetic.

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Arrow Complete Apple iPad Coverage:
Apple iPad Review
Apple iPad 3G Review
Video Review: Apple iPad, an In-Depth Look
Unboxing the Apple iPad: The Photos
The 25 Best iPad Apps
iBooks for iPad Review
Apple iPad Keyboard Dock Review
More Apple iPad Coverage