teh 1337est n00zpaper Circulation: 103,901,843 Issue: 205 | 26th day of Hiding, Y7

Defence Techniques for Custard Pets

by puppy200010


Wow, today is your lucky day! You skip home, amazed that the lab ray has finally done you justice, and stopping to gaze into any mirrors or windows you pass. Just think of how excited your owner will be once you show them that you've been zapped custard! Then, while you've stopped, yet again, to admire yourself in the window of the Usuki shop, you notice a green Grarrl walking–or is he running?–down the street towards you. Ah, it must be a fan! Someone coming to congratulate you on your zap! But as the Grarrl comes closer, you can see a hungry glint in his eye and practically hear the rumble of his empty stomach. Sure, he likes your new coloring, but he wants to see how you taste! Yes, maybe some would consider it cannibalism, but remember, you're custard now! So you do what any strong, brave, assertive neopet would do at a time like this–run! Ok, not the bravest, I must admit. And you're trailing custard everywhere! That trail is just what you need to get that Grarrl to leave you alone! (Hope he doesn't follow it!) But hey, you had better get home before it gets too hot and you start to melt!

Finally you arrive home, panting, and slam the door to your neohome. Wow, that was close! Since you're now made of custard, you had better learn some ways to defend yourself, and this article can teach you some!

The first thing you should know is to never lash out at anyone who threatens you. Because while you execute that great battledome move, your opponent could easily grab hold of a limb and start gnawing. Ouch! And you've just lost a paw! So now, know that, here are some suggestions to help you survive until that darn lab ray zaps you again!

1. Get a custard petpet. Along with the fact that the petpet will distract hungry neopets, you've now also got a companion for life! Err, at least until he gets eaten or melts!

2. Always carry some cheese on you. If you ever encounter any menacing pets, you can quickly throw the cheese at them so they can fill their appetite. Why cheese, you ask? Well, because everyone loves cheese! Have you ever met any pet who hasn't? Note: This suggestion works best with Drackonacks.

3. Never play Hungry Skeith. That skeith was hired into the Jelly Processing Plant to eat any and all custard and ice cream that comes down the conveyer belt. So, stay away from there if you don't want to become today's dessert. And possibly tomorrow's too.

4. Start hanging out with other lab rats. Most lab rats have superior strength and therefore can protect you. Plus, it's cool to have an entourage!

5. Ruin Neopia's appetite for custard by spreading a rumor about it. For example, you could say that radioactive material was slipped in. Just look at what it did to those glowing pets! With any luck, no one will dare eat custard again!

6. Pretend to go mad. Every time a threat comes near, start shouting nonsense about Jelly World (but everyone knows there's no such place). If you don't scare them off with your mad comments at first, keep trying. Maybe they'll decide to go after jelly pets next!

7. Become friends with a jelly pet and carry around a can of whipped cream. If you're ever threatened, simply put the whipped cream on your friend, and the pet’ll leave you alone to eat them. Besides, some friendships don't last forever. Note: Make sure you don't get any whipped cream on yourself, because the predator may decide that you will be just as tasty if you do.

8. Buy a costume from the clothing store and wear it. The costume will disguise your custard-y coloring. Maybe some pets will think you look ridiculous, but honestly, it doesn't look that b–*stifles laugh* that bad! *falls over laughing*

9. Move to Terror Mountain. Because you are made of custard, the cold weather will freeze you and make you stronger. Besides, who wants to eat custard when it's freezing outside? (Actually, I could go for some now... Would that bother you? Nevermind then...)

10. Bribe Neopia's dentists and the Tooth Faerie to tell all their patients that custard is causing cavities and that they can no longer eat it. Note: This suggestion won't work as well or pets who don't get to the dentist regularly, have finished losing teeth, or who ignore the suggestions.

11. Learn to hypnotize other neopets. Once you've got them transfixed, make them believe that they hate custard and will never eat it, in fact, they will look out for and protect all custard neopets. And call you master. Oh, and tell them that they're a puppyblew, too.

12. Take up track. If all these suggestions have failed so far, here's one that's surefire. Run really fast, and those predators will never catch you! But if you don't have many movement points, never fear. There's still a couple more items on this list to try!

13. Come into contact with some sort of odd, green, glowing substance and attempt to gain super powers. Liquefying abilities would be good to help get you out of a pickle! Just melt and slither away as a puddle! And if you time this correctly, while the threat is hovering over you, you can make them believe that their breath is indeed worse than they thought it was.

14. Join a support group for custard pets and find out how they escape being someone's afternoon snack. Or, if they are clueless on the matter, share this article with them! Hopefully my rambling will help SOMEONE!

15. What do you mean, none of my suggestions have helped so far? And it's not my fault that you actually hypnotized someone to think custard is delicious. Don't you dare blame me for that muscle you pulled by running! (I love that Count Von Roo costume, by the way!) Well, if nothing has worked yet, I suppose you'll just have to stay locked inside your neohome forever!

Whew, after writing this article, I've got this horrible craving for–Hey you! You, made of custard, complaining that this article didn't work very well! Come here, I've got...err, a "surprise" for you...

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