No lifeguard on duty

The other day, a photographer friend posted a picture of a sign on Facebook which I liked very much:

No Lifeguard On Duty, copyright 2010 Cheryl Hatch

Copyright 2010 Cheryl Hatch

To me, it always seems weird to see “no lifeguard” signs, because there are no warning signs for the things I think are the most dangerous. Sure, we have traffic signs, beware of dog signs, mind the gap signs and such–signs for all of the physical danger we might get into. For situational and emotional danger, there’s nothing. We have to plunge into metaphorically dangerous emotional waters completely unprotected, with only our own skill and wisdom to protect us. For some of us, that means life is much more risky than for others. Yes, I was kind of calling myself an emotional dumbass. Kind of. Again. Yes, I really am trying to be nicer when I talk to myself. I am.

There are people who give us advice, but how often do we listen? I wonder if it’s more or less often than we pay attention to lifeguard signs?

A colleague told me about someone she knows who is about to get a marriage proposal from a man whose character is made up entirely of red flags. He is an unemployed ex-con who just got out of jail for holding a gun to his baby mama’s head during an argument about the fact that he doesn’t pay any child support. Her friend won’t listen to her loved ones when they voice their concerns, but maybe if he had a danger sign stapled to his forehead she’d recognize that there is some truth to what her friends have been telling her. Or maybe not. People do tend to be oddly blind to the faults of people they have been dating for only a few weeks.

I have ignored a lot of excellent advice over the years. Advice from family. From friends. Nothing Earth-shattering. Advice to talk to people more. Advice to eat more vegetables. Advice to brush my hair out of my eyes so people can see my pretty face–thanks, Gramma, my bangs are still in my eyes! Warnings about what happens to girls who date their college instructors. Warnings about men who were not worth the emotional energy I was putting into them. Warnings FROM men that they weren’t worth it.

On a few occasions, I’ve even ignored advice from attorneys. It takes a special person to ignore legal advice, don’t you think? In one case, it was only advice about money, so I still think I did the right thing by not taking the advice. I felt like it was wrong for me to go after money I didn’t think I was entitled to, even if I was legally entitled to it according to a lawyer. In the other case, it really would have been smarter to heed the advice. There were some pretty serious potential repercussions to what I was planning to do, even a very small chance of jail time. It worked out fine, but only because I was lucky. Even in that case, I still think I was morally right for doing what I did. Legally not bright though.

One thing I’m sure of is that I would have been really pissed off if my Mother had been able to tell me “I told you so.”

Maybe a danger sign would help people like me.

It really couldn’t hurt.

*Thanks, Cheryl, for letting me use the sign!

Friends, lovers or other

Friends, lovers, or nothing
You see
There can only be one
Friends, lovers, or nothing
We’ll never be an inbetween
So give it up
–John Mayer/Friends, Lovers or Nothing

With most people you interact with on a regular basis, you have some sort of defined relationship. Sure, there is overlap, but you have work colleagues, acquaintances, friends, and lovers. Sometimes you put an “ex” or “former” in front of it. Maybe a friend morphs into an occasional lover. Maybe a former lover morphs into a friend. Maybe there is a colleague from work who you also hang out with outside of work.

There are, though, some people who just don’t fit entirely into one of those categories.

Maybe they’re a former lover who is still important to you, but being lovers is not an option. Maybe you’re too close or just have too much history to be friends if one or both of you are currently in other relationships. What do you do with those people? When you have a limited number of people in the world who you love, like I do, then you feel very strongly about the people in your life. I hate to lose even one person who I love. It’s a pretty rare occurrence for me, and I want to hang on to as many of them as I possibly can.

I hate to get hung up on the definitions. I certainly don’t want to even remotely imply that my friends are “just friends” but there are a few people in my life who are more than friends, but not lovers, and I’ve never been quite sure how that’s supposed to work. They are people who I love, but who are awkward to be around in some way. Awkward for our partners, awkward for us. Or worse than awkward. Painful at times.

Former lovers who you didn’t love but always liked are fairly easy to deal with, as long as they aren’t completely clueless about how to behave. Former lovers who you love, but weren’t in love with, are also easy to be friends with.

This is all assuming that you have understanding current romantic partners, of course.

Of course, a lot of people also say that men and women can’t be friends at all, because men just want to fuck women. I have to call bullshit on that. Perhaps we do want to fuck each other, but does that mean we can’t be friends? Does it mean that just because we want to fuck each other that we will not be able to be faithful to our current partners? Not in my experience, although there are obviously some people who are far more of a challenge in that regard than others. There are also probably people who can’t get past wanting to fuck each other and can’t be friends.

I think it just depends on the people.

If you’re hoping that I’m going to come to some sort of conclusion on the best way to handle this, I’m sorry to disappoint you. I’m all gorked out on cold meds, and I am even more emotionally/logically/philosophically challenged than I usually am. ***

Plus, I just don’t know.

I tend to handle it like I handle every emotional challenge: by being completely inept and relying on luck and the good will of the other people involved to figure something out. Mostly that seems to work for me. People who know me well enough to love me seem to realize that although I am a dork, I am a dork with good intentions. Maybe that counts for something.

I think it will be alright.
I’m almost sure it will.

***an example of just how gorked out I am:
I just washed my hair with hand lotion. It didn’t work very well.
Looking forward to some interesting dreams….


I’m not ready as I’ll ever be
I climb the walls, I fall into the sea
I’m not ready as I’ll ever be
And I suppose your guess is more or less as bad as mine
All over but the shouting, just a waste of time
Never mind
–the Replacements/Never Mind

In a class I am taking, we spent a few hours last week talking about the concept of mindfulness and how it relates to certain aspects of daily life, like eating.

For those of you who are not in touch with your New Age side, mindfulness means being fully in the present moment. Slowing down and acknowledging what you are feeling/experiencing right then. Really “being there” when you do things. And stuff. Many people who are trying to live more mindfully do so through the practice of some sort of meditation. In class, we did a guided meditation as a demonstration. Which is sort of the baby steps way to get into it. It was a bit like group hypnosis, only without anyone clucking like a chicken. We did smile through our chests, though, which was impressive.

Driving to work today, it occurred to me that I do something like that with my music selection on my way to and from work. My personal meditation involves putting on music, driving, singing, and (optionally) crying. Obviously, since I’m driving, and doing several other things at once, I can’t call it mindful, and the other day I referred to it as mis-guided meditation. Or, as one of my favorite people put it: it’s an emotional treadmill, with tears as the sweat.

All of the emotional release of meditation without the pesky mindfulness!

I’m sure there would be a market for it if I sold the pre-fab playlists, lyric sheets and driving routes. People like to be told how to do things, and I am naturally bossy. I could be the un-mindfulness-guru! I already have a Cult of Doubt, I could also start a Cult of the Nevermind-ful. It would be fun. We could have drinks, sing and cry. Wait, no drinks. We’re driving.

I’d make fun of mindfulness some more, except…well…
I actually think that mindfulness is a good concept. I hate it when that interferes with the potential for profiteering and expanding my cult, but my personal ethics prohibit it.

There’s a lot of science that confirms the benefits to the mind and body of some sort of practice of mindfulness such as meditation. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy. I suspect the benefits come from sitting peacefully and breathing deeply for a few minutes and becoming fully relaxed. Or more relaxed than usual. Bringing your mind continually back to the present might increase focus in other areas by developing the parts of your brain responsible for discipline.

So, like everything else, I am thinking about it a lot and not doing it while doing something I enjoy doing more. This will surprise no one. Maybe I could start by meditating for a few minutes while I’m lollygagging in bed of a Saturday morning wishing I had a cup of coffee.

I have a hunch I would like not thinking…
Maybe I should try it.

But probably not while I’m driving.
Although, I could possibly try driving mindfully. I’m sure the other drivers would appreciate it.