Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Keebler Elves (resub)

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edit Keebler Elves

Rewrite I did for Der Unwehr. Second opinion before I make the neccesary edits. ~~Sir Fightstar Rocks! CUN 18:03, 16 June 2009 (UTC)

Just to put it back on top. ~~Sir Fightstar Rocks! CUN 04:13, 17 June 2009 (UTC)

Once again. ~~Sir Fightstar Rocks! CUN 18:54, 17 June 2009 (UTC) I have to go to the Padre game, but I'll finish it when I get back. Staircase CUNt 17:53, 18 June 2009

Damn these games are long. ~~Sir Fightstar Rocks! CUN 00:31, 19 June 2009 (UTC)


basbeall game, bro. Just got back. Staircase CUNt 00:45, 19 June 2009 (UTC)
Okay, cool thanks. Did the Padres win? ~~Sir Fightstar Rocks! CUN 01:19, 19 June 2009 (UTC)
Ya, four to three in the tenth. Walk off. Actually, I have to go off to boy scouts, so It'll be another coule hours. Sorry. :/ Staircase CUNt 01:35, 19 June 2009 (UTC)
Shit and fuck. ~~Sir Fightstar Rocks! CUN 01:48, 19 June 2009 (UTC)
It's ten now, are you back? If so, please review. ~~Sir Fightstar Rocks! CUN 06:10, 19 June 2009 (UTC)
Seriously. ~~Sir Fightstar Rocks! CUN 22:23, 19 June 2009 (UTC)
You might want to contact him on his talkpage. Sir SockySexy girls Mermaid with dolphin Tired Marilyn Monroe (talk) (stalk)Magnemite Icons-flag-be GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 14:49, 22 June 2009 (UTC)
I might. ~~Sir Fightstar Rocks! CUN 00:43, 23 June 2009 (UTC)
Concept, which must be
the basis of your article
if I'm using this template:
8 This is a good concept, and not one that I think I've seen before (e.g. taking established characters and putting them in a band setting). It's well-utilized throughout the article as well. However, I do have a few gripes with how it's used, which I'll address in the section below.
Humor, without a second u,
because I'm American:
6 The humor in this article isn't bad. None of the jokes are bad, nor are they in particularly bad taste. However, I never found anything to be especially funny, and some of it was fairly predictable. For example, having a band member develop an addiction to marijuana is an enormous cliché. This isn't necessarily a bad thing in your article, seeing as how it's partially meant to parody pop groups, but playing it straight very much is. The sentence "What's more, Thin Mint had been experimenting with marijuana, and developed an addiction." could be just as easily used in a Wikipedia article to absolutely no humorous effect. To be "funny" there needs to some unexpected twist. For example, given the theme of the article the addiction could be changed to ginger snaps or cookie dough, or even huffing flour. With some effort, the addiction could be shifted into a full-blown nuisance that effects the band in wacky and unexpected ways.

This brings me to my next point, the one I mentioned in the "concept" section. Despite all of the references to cookies present, this article is no more an article about the Keebler Elves than it is about the Powderpuff Girls. If you just go through the article and change all of the proper nouns, the entire article could be about almost anybody else, reading almost exactly the same way and having the same effect. My point is, there needs to be more in this article about the Keebler Elves and less about goings-on that could apply to any teenage pop group. The emphasis on the band over the elves doesn't make the article any worse, but it certainly makes it less memorable. Now, I'm not quite sure how you would go about shifting emphasis onto the elves, nor even if you really want to since it could change the whole tone of the article, but there should certainly be more points in there that can't be altered into another band just by swapping nouns.

Your spelling and grammar,
which probably sucks:
8 Your spelling and grammar are both very good. There are a few spotty sentences with awkward wording, but not enough to detract from the article at all.
Images, or lack of: 8 Your images work, and the captions fit well with the presented context, but something feels off. My best guess is that it's because of the small size of the images. In most articles the images are larger, and therefore more noticeable. Now, I'm not saying that all of your images need to be resized, the Famous Amos one in particular would go over the bounds of the section if increased, but one or two of them should certainly be increased to make them seem more like a part of the article and less like an afterthought.
Miscellaneous, not averaged,
despite what some would
have you believe:
6 Intentionally shifting the score downward, to make up for the 8's where I nevertheless had some negative comments.
Final Score, totaled, as most
would have you believe:
36 Your main problem with the article is that it seems so bland. Even more than the interchangeable nouns, more than the image sizes, the article needs to be more funny. I'm quite sure you're capable of this, and hopefully I gave you enough to work with so that you can continue refining the article, but as it is I highly doubt it will be able to pass VFH. However, I do hope that, eventually, it does pass, because despite its shortcomings this is still quite a good article that deserves recognition. Here's hoping for the best, and be sure to inform me if the article gets nominated and I haven't voted yet.
Me: Sig_pic.PNG Unsolicited conversation Extravagant beauty PEEING 17:15, 8 July 2009 (UTC)
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