When your child says she likes the other parent best: The Grandmothers (and a poll)

on March 09, 2011 at 2:28 PM
boy-father-preference.JPGYoung children are learning to try out preferences -- in fact, they're just beginning to learn that they have preferences. So try not to take it personally when the other parent takes precedence.

Dear Grandmothers: Lately our 2-year-old daughter has been rejecting me in favor of her father. She wants Daddy to read her a bedtime story, Daddy to pour her juice, Daddy to hold her hand, etc. I know I shouldn't let it get to me, but it does. Any advice?

-- Rejected Mom

Dear Rejected: If trying to not let it get to you isn't working, you might want to consider possible reasons why your daughter has started choosing daddy instead of mommy. We're not suggesting, nor do we think that you are, that you wouldn't want her to love being with her daddy. We're only responding to your feeling of being left out. So we're suggesting a few possibilities.

She's 2 years old. Two-year-olds are newly aware of their independence and want to demonstrate it, insist upon it, make every one of the decisions open to them and even a few that aren't. They also love to tease. Is there a mischievous little twinkle in her eye when she asks for Daddy, not you, to tie her shoe?

She wants to be in control. That also comes with being 2, but isn't likely to go away when she turns 3. What better way to gain control of her parents than to have them vying for the privilege of tucking her in bed at night?

She is angry at you for making her feel left out, so she's going to make you feel left out. You leave her all day at the day care center, you brought home that baby brother that you're fussing over all the time, and you sometimes go out with Daddy in the evening and make her stay home with a sitter, just to name a few of your crimes.

She's learning to try out her preferences -- in fact, she's just beginning to learn that she has preferences. She's experimenting with choosing what food she wants to eat, what clothes she wants to wear, and even with what parent she wants to buckle her into her car seat.

If this I-want-Daddy-not-you behavior persists and it's still getting to you, you might want to start talking to her about it. Try saying something like, "Sounds like you want Mommy to feel left out. I'll be happy when you start choosing me again for some of the things that you need to have done." Daddy might also tell her that he doesn't think it's fun if Mommy never gets a turn.

And if she becomes altogether too dictatorial, it's time for both parents to step in and let her know that she may think she wants to be the boss, but that really you and Daddy are. If bedtime has become the issue, for example, come up with a schedule: Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays are Daddy's nights to read the bedtime story, but Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays are Mommy's. It's not an option anymore. On Sundays, she can decide.

Our guess is that by the time the second Sunday rolls around, she will have forgotten about her previous preferences and start choosing Mommy just as often as she chooses Daddy.

The Grandmothers are early childhood educators Kathy Baker, Maria Kaiser, Georgianna Roberts, and Ginny Steininger. We meet with Barbara Streeter, education director and child analyst at the Hanna Perkins Center (19910 Malvern Road, Shaker Heights, 44122), which houses the Hanna Perkins School, the Hadden Clinic for children and adolescents, and the Reinberger Parent/Child Resource Center, our community outreach arm. Reach them at, or call 216-991-4472.