Oh, my first KHR fic! I think the Varia are a great subject for humor fics, they have such an interesting family dynamic going for them. As mentioned before, I've never written KHR fanfics, I've read a lot of them, I've watched the entire Varia arc, but writing it is a whole new world to me, so sorry if the characters seem OOC. Also, I've never written a humor fanfic, so I must apologize if my sense of humor is a little…droll. But hey (or rather "VOI!!!")! It's Squalo! How could you go wrong?

This takes place after the ring battles, obviously, and I have no idea how much time passes before Mammon is killed, so I'm guessing.

Katekyo Hitman Reborn! belongs to Akira Amano.

Shark Steaks


The Rain Guardian stared down at the meal before him; the steak seemed to glare up at him from the table in response, the smell of Teriyaki came from it heavily, no doubt after having gone to Japan for so long that remnants of the country's cuisine had followed them back. It wasn't the fact that it was different from the standard Italian fare the Varia usually partook in, it was what the animal that they expected him of all people to consume was that disturbed him. "Shark…" He grumbled as he wrinkled his nose in disgust before he turned his attention away from the repulsive seafood to take a look at the rest of the group.

Lussuria, as cheery as ever, was serving more of the shark to Levi, who remained as close as ever to the boss. Xanxus was in his chair, throne rather, glass of whisky in hand, Squalo couldn't help but think that the copper-colored liquid would soon end up in his face. Belphegor was seated beside Mammon, the two seemed to be in some sort of quarrel, although Squalo didn't care why or about what. Probably money…

Then his attention was forced to return to the shark that lay before him. All the others had either already eaten or had started on their shark, only Squalo's plate remained untouched. He had remained silent throughout most of the meal, maybe the others wouldn't…

"Squalo, darling, why have you not eaten your dinner?"


He looked for the source of the voice only to see Lussuria pouting before him childishly. "Do you not like my cooking?" The others turned to Squalo, even Bel and Mammon, who had stopped their arguing temporarily to hear his answer.

"Voi…" He huffed as all eyes were on him.

"It's because it's shark, isn't it? Ushishishi…" Bel grinned and took another animalistic bite of his own meal, as though mocking the swordsman. "You don't want to eat your only friends, huh?"

"No!" He snapped as he shot the prince a glare, only to get another grin in response.

"It is…" Mammon accused from his spot beside Bel, his voice sounded as bored as ever and his mouth was in its usual frowning position.

"Oooh~! Squalo! I'm so sorry!" Lussuria cried dramatically. "I forgot how special sharks are to you~!"

"Voi! It's not that!" He glared at the sun guardian. The ruckus had caused Xanxus to look up at the four now involved in the little dispute.

"Then what is it?" The boss asked as he rose his glass of whiskey further into the air as though to remind Squalo of what would no doubt soon come if he gave an answer that wasn't to his liking.

Squalo took note of the glass and paled. "I just don't like shark…" He said lamely. Xanxus, as cool-headed as ever, casually flung his drink in the direction of Squalo's face. "Voi! What the hell was that for!?"

"And I just don't like waste, trash…" He replied as he set the now empty glass down beside him.

Bel smiled toothily as he looked at the whiskey-soaked face of Squalo. "Can I leave boss?"

"Yes, all of you can go." He said as he looked towards the other three, who promptly rose, Bel taking Mammon in his arms as though the Arcobaleno was another stuffed toy. They left their dishes on the table to be taken care of by servants later. Levi stayed behind, every bit Xanxus' shadow as ever. "You on the other hand…" He said as he glared at Squalo. "Are to stay put until you finish that shark..."

"VOOOOOI!" He yelled as he was left behind as Xanxus and Levi walked out of the room.

The very next morning as Lussuria rushed into the dining room to set up for breakfast, Squalo was found glaring at the table, shark steak still untouched.


I wrote this in about an hour and a half…Ew, usually I try to take at least three. Oh well, it was fun to write.

Especially Squallo! Oh, and Levi's too boring to talk, which is why he gets no speaking parts.