On-screen chemistry


'I love my boyfriend and our exciting sex life, but recently he has started asking to film us making love. I don't know what I feel about this. What do you think?'

Sebastian Horsley says:

Go ahead, darling. Yes is always the best answer to an indecent proposal. What is privacy for, if not for invading? If you have some terrible habit of which you are deeply ashamed, don't keep it private. Practise it publicly.

Just think, the tape could even fall into the right hands - you could end up a star. People will cross the street at the risk of losing their own lives to tell you: 'We saw you on telly.'

In no time you will have become a millionaire of love. And then it won't just be your boyfriend who wants you. You will have invoked Proust's First Law - Love does not cause jealousy; it is jealousy that engenders love. You cannot control by merely forbidding. So take a better approach and go with the tide - but even faster. Design the costumes, plan the make-up and, most importantly, remember: sex is essentially a matter of good lighting. Watch your rushes, improve your performance. Film is the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself.

Your boyfriend's motives may be different. Men go to the movies to forget; women, to remember. But that doesn't matter. Give yourself completely to anyone who needs you. If you do, you will find that people will open up to you like a rose to the light. It is you who will be in control. Remember: when a woman really loves a man, he can make her do anything she wants to.

So think big. Don't think home movie or even television, because it diminishes the scale of our fantasies. Worse than that, it domesticates them. And who wants art to reflect our humdrum, everyday existence? Any movie, even the worst, is better than real life. So camp it up. Shoot a few scenes out of focus. I want you to win the foreign film award.

Marion McBride says:

What do you mean you don't know how you feel? It's not Stork or butter. Obviously you're not keen or there would be no issue. Maybe you just want to please your boyfriend and don't want to sound like a prude. Maybe part of you, in the deep south, quite likes the idea, while up in the sensible north you're thinking, 'Oh, isn't it a bit tacky, will I look fat, will grainy shots appear on the cover of the News of the World if I ever get famous?'

Of these three questions, only the last one is worth taking seriously. Can you trust him? Do make sure you retain the copyright of anything that makes it on to the small screen. You don't want to end up as a porn star in his private collection long after you've broken up, and you especially don't want to do the rounds of his friends. Look, he might be a lovely bloke, but there's no harm in having insurance in case he turns into Psycho Internet Porn Guy. If you make a film, keep the post-production in your hands. Ensure there are no copies and that the original is safely with you. Don't leave it lying around with the DVD of your sister's wedding. However, I say this as someone whose lifelong partner doesn't even know how to work the TV remote control. In your place, I'd be a lot more cautious.

So much for practicalities, but what about the actual practice? Well, at best it will turn you on to watch yourself having hot sex and only make your exciting sex life even more thrilling. At worst you will cringe, laugh or blush when you notice some of the things you might have missed while actually engaged in the act. I mean, there are some grimacing facial expressions when caught at the height of passion that I am usually quite happy to close my eyes to. It's not much of a spectator sport. Incidentally, if you are worried about looking fat, just don't get on top.

· If you have a question for Sebastian and Marion, email: sex@observer.co.uk