

This is hurtful disappointing and rude isn't it ?? WWYD?

(24 Posts)
ijustwantnicehair Wed 01-Jan-14 04:23:57

A neighbour of ours (live in small village so not directly next door but about a hundred yards away) is a good friend (although Im doubting that ) and our DS3 Godfather. We see him in passing frequently - often every day but at least two or three times a week.
He texted on Christmas day that he'd be over on 27 to drop presents off for the children - great I was looking forward to a catch up and had a decent tidy up boxing day. No show. No explanatory text phone call etc. Wasn't a big problem as I hadn't mentioned it to children.
My husband saw him on 29th - again he said he'd come over that day. Tidied up again made sure we had plenty of milk and coffee etc. Again a no show no text.
I saw him today with children by my sideand he said he was just popping out but back later - asked whether we would we be in, he has a bag of presents. I said yes great - his present is in danger of going off and being inedible soon - see you later. You guessed it - I Tidied up and yes again a no show no communication.
Im quite upset and let down - I know it's trivial but I've been feeling quite down recently and was looking forward to having a bit of light hearted chit chat and seeing people.
Im not going to text but Im guessing I'll see him again over the next couple of days and he'll say the same. I'll stifle an eye roll but should I mention the previous let downs? If so - how ? Im not the most assertive person and also dislike creating bad feeling. Or should I just forget it? Thanks for reading !!

AlaskaNebraska Wed 01-Jan-14 04:25:24

I don't think getting milk in is a major inconvenience to you. Single people forget that other peoples loves are more regimented.

StillNoFuckingEyeDeer Wed 01-Jan-14 04:28:40

Why don't you/DH call over to his house & ask if he's ok? Maybe there's a reason he's uncomfortable calling round for a chat. Is he trying to avoid being al

Danann Wed 01-Jan-14 04:29:15

I have a friend who says stuff like that a lot and then forgets. when you see him just start with 'hey, i thought you were popping round on tuesday? you ok?' in a cheery tone, then he has a chance to explain and you haven't had to be too assertive.

TheFunStopsHere Wed 01-Jan-14 04:31:01

I think you need to separate out the fact that you're feeling a bit down anyway from this. I think it's leading you to place greater significance on it than it really should have. It's a bit annoying, sure. But not really a let down I would think - except that you're feeling a bit down and needed someone to chat to. Which he didn't know. People can't always know what you want or expect unless you tell them. And perhaps there is something going on in his life - good or bad - they you don't know about. Maybe you should text and ask if you could pop round and see him instead and say it would be nice to have a chat as you haven't seen much of each other lately.
And then maybe have a think about why you're feeling down at the moment and what you might do about that - separately from this particular issue.
Hope you're feeling brighter soon.

StillNoFuckingEyeDeer Wed 01-Jan-14 04:31:02

Stupid phone.
Could he be trying to avoid being alone with you or DH, or seeing both of you together? Maybe he has something he needs to talk about or doesn't want to talk about.

Just trying to say that maybe for him it's not just an easy pop over for a chat. Maybe there's stuff going on in his life too.

happytalk13 Wed 01-Jan-14 04:31:12

Is this his MO?

ben5 Wed 01-Jan-14 04:31:33

Why did you tidy up each time??!!

ijustwantnicehair Wed 01-Jan-14 04:31:50

Hahahah @milk - yes the whole shenanigan has not been a major inconvinience at all as we haven't had plans - but that's not the point is it ? I could have had plans or changed them to accommodate him for all he knows.

ijustwantnicehair Wed 01-Jan-14 04:39:38

The fun stops - Thanks youve hit the nail on the head yes you're right about separating things out but one of the reasons I posted was because I wasn't sure whether my mood was making me overreact. No one knows how Im feeling as Im 'fine' in RL.
Happy talk - yes he has definite form for this - making promises (too strong a word) plans and not following through. I suck it up and say nothing and pretend it hasnt happened.
Ben 5 - I know I know ! But it's nice to have incentive to tidy and he needs somewhere to sit !!

BillyBanter Wed 01-Jan-14 04:43:07

If this is unusual behaviour from him why not go round and ask if he's ok? And, you know, talk to him. He's your friend. You are also his friend?

BillyBanter Wed 01-Jan-14 04:45:10

Xpost. Well he's a bit flaky and normally this it's fine but the difference this time is your changed mood which he knows nothing about.

ijustwantnicehair Wed 01-Jan-14 04:50:07

Ive been finding that difficult recently Billy because I feel like the friendship is only coming from me and that Im a crazed stalker or something! 95% of texts are initiated by me - He rarely asks after me or my husband and actually doesn't know all that much about me. He claims to really love our chats when we do have them and we have fun. However I realised the other day that I could tell you the names jobs locations children names and biggest issues of everyone in his immediate family. But he wouldn't even be able to say whether I have siblings or not.

AlaskaNebraska Wed 01-Jan-14 05:22:17

There's you are then. Stop texting

TheFunStopsHere Wed 01-Jan-14 05:30:59

Why does no one in RL know how you're feeling at the moment? Does that include your husband? Without meaning to be cruel, I think you need to think about why you are placing such importance on this particular person, who from the sounds of it, doesn't place the same level of importance on your friendship?
You need to talk to someone in real life who does care about how you're feeling at the moment. I think you should consider your response to this person/the gifts/his lack of turning up to be a symptom of something more important, and use this opportunity to get to the bottom of that, whether it is a bit of loneliness, isolation in your marriage, boredom or depression.

Chottie Wed 01-Jan-14 05:37:38

I'm another one feeling you should be taking a step back. To me, all the missed meetings are a clear indication that he needs some space.

Perhaps you could plan some other family outings / activities so you don't place so much emphasis on this one friendship?

ijustwantnicehair Wed 01-Jan-14 05:40:44

Thanks Fun - you've crystallised things perfectly.

Yes it does include my husband although I managed to speak with him the other day and said how upsetting it is that no one EVER asks how I am and he agreed with my observation and said it's because I come across as so capable. However he hasn't in two years asked me despite imo it being actually glaringly obvious Im feeling down. I can only assume he hasn't noticed that I cry myself to sleep most nights, I have put on literally stones of weight through binge eating and I find it literally hard to smile (a very odd feeling - it's like the muscles have stiffened up or something is pulling my mouth downwards).
I don't know why I place importance on this friendship? Maybe because we did used to have a decent chat now and then. Actually I think it's symptomatic of other friendships too but because I see this person regularly it highlights it to me more often.

ijustwantnicehair Wed 01-Jan-14 05:44:22

It's quite hard to take a step back when I see him so regularly without being rude though ???
Thanks for the advice and suggestions though everyone

TheFunStopsHere Wed 01-Jan-14 07:15:44

Good luck OP. It sounds like you might be on the verge of exploring what's been building up in you for a while. I hope you can find the support you need. Take care.

ThisIsYourSong Wed 01-Jan-14 07:34:22

Ah I feel for you OP. My brother (and his wife) are just like this. They do intend to follow through but something else comes up, they pop out for a coffee and forget, etc etc. Its become clear that their own lives and doing what they feel like is more important than our feelings and plans. It is selfishness but I think not really intended.

Anyway I've just let it go, the kids get disappointed which I feel bad about but nothing I can do about it. I'll continue to see him obviously as he's my brother but I think you probably need to let it go and just say 'hi how are you' when you see him. He doesn't sound like much of a friend tbh...

ijustwantnicehair Wed 01-Jan-14 09:33:15

Yes This is Your Song - I probably will end up letting it go but I have this nagging feeling that I shouldnt ... I heard that song on the radio "if you tolerate this then your children will be next" and I wondered whether I should be more assertive so they see me being assertive if you see what I mean..?!?

ThisIsYourSong Fri 03-Jan-14 04:00:34

I do understand. But it might be better to let them see it not bothering you. You are better than the way he is treating you and you can show that.

SpottyDottie Fri 03-Jan-14 08:04:39

Well, it's rude that he has let you down without explanation but at no point did you text to ask if he'd forgotten!

kiwidreamer Fri 03-Jan-14 09:28:10

I agree it is a bit rude but I'd start with distancing myself personally, if that's the way he sees your friendship, then you need to adjust your expectations to the same, I don't mean he's being malicious or anything but maybe he sees things a bit more casual than you do... fake it til you make it ;)

As for how you are feeling I'm thinking you really need to talk to someone, depression can spiral if you get trapped and cant find the tunnel let alone any light at the end of it. What about going along to your GP for a chat, have you tried St Johns Wort or Rescue Remedy as natural options for reducing stressy feelings, make sure your diet is good lots of leafy greens, green tea and water and some exercise and if that doesn't help then maybe the Dr can offer ideas.

Oh and tell your husband out loud that you have been feeling sad for a long time and need his help.

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