Joke of the day

Joke of the day

Every man needs a go-to joke.

Joke N° 1911
Bad News
A guy is waiting in a doctor's office. After about 10 minutes, the guy is called in. "I have some bad news, and some really bad news," says the doctor. "Oh man. Okay, give me the really bad news first," says the man. "Well, you have cancer." "Jesus!" says the man, "What's the bad news?" "Well, you also have Alzheimer's and you're going to start forgetting things." The man sits in silence for about 15 seconds and then says, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."
Jake Gunn
Joke N° 1912
If The World Functioned Like A PC...
1. Twenty minutes after buying a new car, you set the radio, decelerate and shift gears, but the car freezes because you don't have enough horsepower to complete the operation. 2. You buy a burger at McDonald's and fries at Burger King, but your body won't allow you to take them in; they're not compatible. 3. The first things a woman asks you when she wakes up: age, sex and location. And then she asks if you have a picture of yourself. 4. You have to walk into a hardware store 15 times in a row to make sure the merchandise all loads correctly. 5. 22 times a day, the entire world blips away to blackness, because you keep losing your connection to reality. 6. Your child receives 15 dirty magazines in the mail every day because he purchased $10 worth of Toys "R" Us merchandise and didn't refuse the special offers. 7. You are exempted from taxes because you have consented to have a scrolling advertisement banner obscuring your vision 24 hours a day. 8. Your girlfriend's name is HoTTiCrZYgRL42232591 and you get in trouble for writing a letter to HoTTiCrZYgRL42232597. 9. People gather to talk in groups of 23 or less, and 30% of them are shouting to see if there are any hotties among them, 20% are pretending to be female, 20% are selling something, and 30% are gibbering about nonsense over and over. 10. Walking into your everyday newsstand to purchase Time, a street vendor suddenly pops in your face offering a monthly subscription to Newsweek. Then another for office equipment. Then another for paperweights, and then another for porn. Then another for The New York Times. Then another for porn. Then another for you to start your own business with little or no money down ($3000+ per week from home!), and then porn. Pushing one of these gentlemen aside results in two more taking his place.
Simon Macauley
Joke N° 1913
Handicap Golf
A guy about to tee off is approached by a man who is holding out a card that reads, "I am a deaf mute. May I please play through?" The first man gives the card back, shaking his head angrily and saying, "No, you cannot play through." He assumes the guy reads lips, so he mouthes, "I can't believe you would try to use your handicap to your own advantage like that! Shame on you!" The deaf man walks away and the first man whacks the ball onto the green, and then walks off to finish the hole. Just as he is about to put the ball into the hole, he is hit in the head with a golf ball that knocks him out cold. When he comes to a few minutes later, he looks around and sees the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up four fingers.
David R.
Joke N° 1914
I Have Some News For You
A man notices a peculiar rash on his chest. The rash continues to get worse and worse, so the man decides to see a doctor. He goes to a clinic, where the staff run some tests on him. After several minutes, the doctor comes back in the room and says, "Sir, I've got good news and bad news. Which would you like first?" "Well," says the man, "I can take it. Give me the bad news first." "The rash you have is going to get worse. It will travel throughout your body, eventually making it to your internal organs. It is a terminal disease, and my guess is you have 30 days to live." "My God!" says the patient. "What's the good news?!?" "Well," says the doctor, "Did you see that beautiful receptionist, the one with the big boobs and the nice butt? I'm dating her!"
Marco N.
Joke N° 1915
Senior Golf Logic
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained. "These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others. "The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them," said the third senior. After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest and wisest of the four -- at 87 years old -- piped in and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"
Nick D.
Joke N° 1916
Shoot The Pig
A farmhand is driving 'round the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes, he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull bars of my truck. He's still wriggling; what should I do?" "In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling, you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker agrees and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss, I did what you said. I shot the pig and dragged it out, and threw it in a bush." "So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped. "The blue light on his bike is still flashing!"
Jim C.
Joke N° 1917
Tech Glossary
486: The average IQ needed to understand a PC. State-of-the-art: Any computer you can't afford. Obsolete: Any computer you own. Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete. G3: Apple's new Macs that make you say, "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago." Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object." Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, especially after a Syntax Error. GUI: What your computer becomes after spilling coffee on it. (pronounced 'gooey') Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors. Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate. Floppy: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer. Portable Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips. Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline. Power User: Anyone who can format a disk from DOS. System Update: A quick method of trashing all of your software.
Danny B.

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