Kill King Cotton For the USA

The Way We Live Now: wrapped in copious robes of flowing cotton. Cotton hats, cotton shoes, a flowing cotton train trailing behind us, sleeping on heaping mounds of cotton. Cotton is money! Everything else is not.

If you're a cotton farmer you might see the news that cotton prices posted their biggest drop in 15 years as something bad, something to be feared. But please, cotton farmers, can you not be so god damn greedy, for once in your cottony lives? Cotton was expensive as hell! And if you're an investor in Jones Apparel, and you see the lag that those crrrrrrazzzzyyyyyy high cotton prices are putting on your earnings, as well as the entire apparel sector, buddy, you're praying for hail storms in Central Texas, cause that's what fucks up cotton prices.

America must get out from under the thumb of King Cotton.

We as a nation have so much more to offer the world than just quality Texas cotton, neatly spooled white gold. We have a man who's eating nothing but potatoes for 60 days. They don't have that in China—cause they can't find enough potatoes, haha! But seriously folks, we also have the Exxon corporation, which raised its quarterly profit by 55% by raising prices, which you were all "happy" to pay. That's true American might right there. We can all rest easy.

You can't run a Caterpillar tractor digging up an ancient Native American graveyard in order to build condos with cotton in the gas tank, as Ben Franklin said.

[Photo via Getty]