'Dexter' Premiere Recap: Best of 'Those Kinds of Things'
This week on Dexter, we welcome back our favorite serial killer to our living rooms. Tonight's the night, so sharpen your knives, grab a few empty blood slides and get ready for another great season of Dexter.

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Moving Forward

Apparently Dexter was stabbed since we last saw him and he is calling 911 for help. The paramedics arrive as he is lying on the ground and Dex gives them a double fisted attack of M-99. No, Dexter wasn't dying; he was just getting a double dose of justifiable murder. It seems that the paramedic team that came to rescue him killed people and harvested their organs for profit. If you are a long time fan, then you learn to look past the convenience of the correct ambulance coming to him and are glad that Dexter is back to his old self. He goes back home to his new nanny, and sister of a now fully bearded Batista, Jamie.

The next day Dexter and Deb take Harrison to Our Lady of Perpetual Guilt, Sorrow and Solitude (my old Catholic school) to try to gain admission to their prestigious pre-school program. The Head Sister asks Dexter about his religious affiliation which is nothing and that seems to turn her off. They leave the school to go see LaGuerta's promotion to Captian. That isn't the only change in her life. Now that it is no longer needed as a plot device, her marriage with Batista ended.

Modern American Cowboy

While everyone else is moving forward, Dexter goes back in time to his 20 year high school reunion. It seems that one of Dex's old classmates, Joe Walker, killed his wife who was one of the few nice people towards Dexter back in school. Dexter arrives at his old school to find to his horror that he is now one of the cool kids.

Everyone wants to say hello, including Hot Trisha, the old Prom Queen. Dexter's original plan of cutting Joe with his class ring to get a blood sample to prove his guilt won't work out with everyone watching. When Dexter finally does meet up with Joe, we find out that he is still the jock douche bag he was in high school. Before Dexter can proceed any further, he has to perform one of the most awkward looking Hammer dances in the history of great 90s jams.

While all this is happening we cut to a special episode of Swamp People to find Collin Hanks and Edward James Olmos catching river snakes, which in my imaginings of Hollywood these guys do all the time without cameras rolling. The next day, Travis Marshall (Hanks) goes up to a fruit vendor, says something about fruit and death, then kills him.

Rules of the Game

Dexter, trying to get closer to Joe, is trying to learn as much about football as he can so he can get some blood from him on the field. Dexter isn't the greatest football player on the flag football field and it takes his imaginary dad to get him the blood he needs. He elbows Joe in the nose, wipes the blood off with his sweat band, and seals Joe's fate. Dexter then goes back to Our Lady of Horrific Religious Imagery and talks the nun into letting Harrison attend. He explains that although he wasn't raised religious, he wants his son to have a normal and stable upbringing.

Rotten Fruit

Dexter is called to the crime scene of the dead fruit vendor and finds the pleasant sight of intestines inside of a food scale. Just another day on the job. While looking over the crime scene Quinn and Deb start talking only to get into a small argument. Yes, they are still together, and no, I don't know how Quinn still has a job after being so intertwined with Stan Liddy during last season.

At dinner the next night, Quinn scampers off to the bathroom and we learn that he is about to propose to Deb. While he is doing that, a crazed gun man jumps in the restaurant for no reason and starts unloading rounds. Deb is recorded being the hero, and I'm guessing that this will not be brought back up the rest of the season to create a wedge between her and Quinn.

Go Panthers

The police soon find the body of the dead fruit guy which has an Alpha and Omega symbol sewed into his chest. Upon closer examination the body cavity is has seven baby snakes inside which slither out like the dinner scene from Temple of Doom.

Dexter returns to the school the next day during the World's Longest High School Reunion to try getting to Joe. Along the way he runs into Hot Trisha again. She pulls him into a science room and practices a little "anatomy" with him. After giving him the cough test with her mouth, Dexter steals her phone and texts Joe. Joe goes to meet up with Trisha in the field house only to be put in Dexter's patented Sleeper Hold and ends up on his table. Before killing him Dexter asks about forgiveness and religion. He then knocks him out with a hammer and says the worst MC Hammer related pun used in a television show in the last 15 years.

Dexter is back and this was the best season premiere of the show in the past three seasons. Sure it is talking about awkward issues like religion, but if you are trying to get into a theological argument you aren't probably going to do it during a television show. On next week's episode, we will learn more about the crazy cult that is killing people.

Chase Gamradt
Contributing Writer

(Image courtesy of Showtime)

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