Welcome Visitor: Login to the siteJoin the site

The Donahues Episode 27







"There are mean people, keen people, people that are in between people."

- Kelly Curiel


MAN: Hey, Eth.

ETHAN: Don't call me Eth, Rob.

ROB: Sorry, Eth.

ETHAN: Okay, then you're not sorry, you just called me Eth again.

ROB: Listen Eth,

ETHAN: Oh, Jesus Christ.

ROB: Guess how tall I am?

ETHAN: …How tall are you?

ROB: I'm taller than a mountain.

ETHAN: Yeah, you're uh, you're relatively tall.

ROB: You impressed?


ROB: Whatever.

ETHAN: Listen, what do you want?

ROB: I'm just talking to you, Eth.

ETHAN: I told you not to call me that, I mean, my name is short enough, isn't it? Ethan. You don't need to shorten it.


ETHAN: No? What does that mean? No? You're saying "no" to it? Just use complete sentences!

ROB: No.

ETHAN: Okay, so you're saying "no" to using complete sentences?

ROB: …Yes.

ETHAN: I have to go to work, okay?

ROB: Hey listen, man.

ETHAN: What?

ROB: It's good that you're going, because I have to go to, I have to play racquetball. I am pretty much the best at racquetball. I racqueted like, two-hundred balls yesterday.

ETHAN: Okay, that's not true. Kimberly was with you yesterday, she said you never left the house.

ROB: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

ETHAN: Okay, so you're agreeing with me?

ROB: Yeah.

ETHAN: That you were lying?

ROB: Yeah.


ROB: Well, I hope you don't mind that I'm living here for a while.

ETHAN: …What?

ROB: Yeah, I figured I'd live here for a little while until I get back on my feet.

ETHAN: You figured that?

ROB: Yeah.

ETHAN: Really? Because I did not approve that.

ROB: Kimberly did though.

ETHAN: What?

ROB: I'm her step-brother, she wants to help me out.

ETHAN: Does she?

ROB: That's what she said.

ETHAN: Don't get too comfortable, I'll have to talk to Kimberly.

ROB: Okay, okay. I'm braver than a lion.



ETHAN: Okay, that doesn't make you-

ROB: I know French, German and Dutch, and I don't need no classes neither.

ETHAN: Okay, you don't even know English, much less French, German and Dutch.

ROB: You impressed?

ETHAN: Obviously not.



JACOB: It's just a bunch of British people punching dentists in the face, drinking brandy and floating in carrying umbrellas.


MADELINE: This isn't the industrial revolution.

KIRSTEN: The industrial revolution never ended in the United Kingdom.

RYAN: What I don't understand is why is a celebration of the United Kingdom's National Health Service part of the opening ceremony? They're just gloating that they have Universal Healthcare and the United States doesn't.


JACOB: I think those are actors.




ROSS: Hey Jacob, Madeline, is T-Pain's Welsh step-brother still in town?

JACOB: No, he went to the London Olympics to compete in the 100-meter "run in your clogs and then heal your callouses" dash for the UK Olympic team.


(Ross' phone gets a text. He looks at it and expresses disappointment. He puts it away)

JACOB: What?


JACOB: That sucks, why?

ROSS: I don't know, they want me to watch the Olympics with them.

JACOB: Oh, okay. Hey, why don't Kirsten and I come with you?

ROSS: Um…are you sure?

JACOB: Sure, we'd love to meet your family. Right, Kirsten?

KIRSTEN: Of course.

ROSS: Uh…okay, I guess. It's just that, my grandfather lives with us.

JACOB: Why? Can't he live on Social Security?

ROSS: Black people aren't allowed on Social Security.

JACOB: Actually, I don't think that's true.

ROSS: Yeah, but that's his excuse for living with us. He has these weird delusions of oppression. Anyway, if you guys want to come, then come.

JACOB: Great.

(Ross, Kirsten and Jacob get up and leave)


MICHELLE: What are you talking about?

(Cut to Ethan and Mayor Sarandon in Mayor Sarandon's office, sitting down, looking stressed)

MAYOR SARANDON: Jesus Christ, the reporters just won't go away, and that asshole Zimmerman has absolutely no proof that any of this shit happened.

ETHAN: But this shit did happen! Okay? And Chambliss said he was blackmailed, Edelman said she was bribed and Burlington International has records of the plane tickets to the Caymans on the TAXPAYER'S DIME! Okay? We could both lose our jobs come November; it's an election year for Christ's sake.

MAYOR SARANDON: I think you're forgetting we also could be INDICTED. I don't think either of us would survive in prison. You're too handsome and I have butter fingers.

ETHAN: If you drop the soap, just don't use it, water is good enough.




ETHAN: Let's not think about prison right now. This is a simple matter of "He said, she said", they can't prove jack. I mean, we passed a charter a year ago saying business trips could be tacpayer-funded, and they can't prove it was a poon doggle, what we need, is a distraction.


ETHAN: No, I already tried that.

(Cut to a man in a top hat doing a jig outside the Mayor's building with reporters everywhere)

REPORTER: Mr. Fantastico, what is Mayor Sarandon hiding?

MR. FANTASTICO: Nothing, but this rabbit!

(He pulls a rabbit out of his hat)

RABBIT: That son of a bitch is corrupt!

(Mr. Fantastico stuffs the rabbit back in the hat)

MR. FANTASTICO: Never mind him.

OTHER REPORTER: Mr. Fantastico, what did President Obama mean when he said business owners didn't build their businesses all by themselves?

MR. FANTISTICO: I don't know what he meant, but I know what's behind your ear!

(Mr. Fantistico produces Mitt Romney's tax returns from behind his ear)

MR. FANTASTICO: Holy shit, these are Mitt Romney's tax returns!





(Cut back)


MAYOR SARANDON: That's a good idea. You know, my new girlfriend's father is a contractor, he has some ideas.

ETHAN: You have a new girlfriend?

MAYOR SARANDON: Yeah, I do. She's great. She's got the tits of an angel with tits.

ETHAN: Yeah, that's kind of implied. What's her personality like?


ETHAN: Did you just say "She's tits"?

(Maria buzzes)

MARIA: Mr. Sarandon, your girlfriend is here.


ETHAN: I should go.

MAYOR SARANDON: Nonsense, stay!

ETHAN: Okay.


MAYOR SARANDON: Ethan, meet Sandra Farmella.

ETHAN: It's a pleasure.

(Ethan shakes Sandra's hand)


(Sandra starts licking Mayor Sarandon's neck, making Ethan visibly uncomfortable)


ETHAN: Uh…I should go.




(Ethan tries to open the door, but it's locked from the outside)


(Sandra and Mayor Sarandon start having sex on the desk)





MAYOR SARANDON: Well, bye Sandra!

SANDRA: Bye, Mr. Mayor!

(They kiss and Sandra leaves. Mayor Sarandon walks over to Ethan's desk as Ethan sits down)


ETHAN: Who sir?

MAYOR SARANDON: Keith Farmella! He's Sandra's father. He directed the operations that built the 1-35 West Mississippi River Bridge.


MAYOR SARANDON: Wrong, it killed thirteen people.

ETHAN: So it was worse than I thought.

MAYOR SARANDON: Trust me though. He's good.



MARIA: Yes sir.


ETHAN: Kimberly, I need to talk to you.

KIMBERLY: Why here?

ETHAN: Why not here?

KIMBERLY: Rob is taking a bath in there!

ETHAN: What? Why?

KIMBERLY: He prefers baths.

ETHAN: In our bathroom?! How old is he?

KIMBERLY: He's 34.

ETHAN: Well, then he's just a little tyke, isn't he? Do you think he'll need braces soon?

KIMBERLY: Why are you mad?

ETHAN: Let's talk in the other room.


KIMBERLY: What's going on?

ETHAN: This morning Rob told me he's going to live here with us.


ETHAN: You forgot-wait, you already said what I was going to say. Well, why didn't you tell me?

KIMBERLY: Because I know you don't like him, but he's my half-brother and he needs my help.

ETHAN: He's a braggart, a liar and a slob.

KIMBERLY: Maybe, but-

ETHAN: Definitely, but-

KIMBERLY: BUT, he's my half-brother.

ETHAN: Kimmy, I already have enough stress due to the scandal and that spitfuck Zimmerman. I don't need this!



KIMBERLY: Hearsay? It's true!

ETHAN: Truth is relative.

KIMBERLY: Yeah, and it's relatively likely you're going to be indicted if they prove you blackmailed, bribed or wasted taxpayer money!

ETHAN: Eye of the beholder.

KIMBERLY: The eye of the fucking judge!

ETHAN: Grass is always greener?

KIMBERLY: That doesn't even apply!

ETHAN: FINE! He can stay here, but I'm going to hate it.

KIMBERLY: Where's he going to sleep?

ETHAN: Umm…I'll give him that choice.

(Cut to Jacob and Ross walking into Ross' house. They walk into the living room to see Ross' mom, dad and grandfather watching the Olympics opening ceremony)

ROSS' DAD: Oh, hello Ross, who's this?

ROSS: Hey dad, this is my friend Jacob Donahue.

JACOB: Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Higgins.

(Ross' mom and dad walk up to Jacob and they both shake his hand)

ROSS' MOM: It's a pleasure, Jacob.

JACOB: Likewise.

ROSS' GRANDFATHER: Who is that kid, Joshua?

JOSHUA: Oh. (Ross' parents turn around) Dad, this is Jacob Donahue, Ross' friend. Jacob, this is Ross' Grandpa Kenneth.

JACOB: Hello, sir.


JOSHUA: Jesus Christ, dad.

GRANDPA KENNETH: It's three in the afternoon, I came home early and that asshole was knee-deep!

JACOB: Knee-deep?

GRANDPA KENNETH: Knee-deep, yeah.



JOSHUA: Jesus, Dad, he's eighteen years old! When Zachary had sex with your wife Jacob was thirty years away from being born!

GRANDPA KENNETH: He looks like the cop sprayed me down with a fire hose in the spring of '63.

JACOB: I've never even been to Birmingham!


JOSHUA: He probably knows history!


JOSHUA: No, there's no badge, listen dad, you're being extremely racist towards this young man.

GRANDPA KENNETH: Racist? He's the one being racist.

JACOB: I haven't said anything even remotely racist, but you have implied that I'm a Birmingham cop who sprayed down black people even though you seem fully aware that I was nothing but a gleam in the eye of my grandfather's sperm when that happened.

GRANDPA KENNETH: That doesn't mean you weren't involved!

JACOB: It does actually mean that.

JOSHUA: Dad, that's enough, go yell obscenities at the pigeons.

GRANDPA KENNETH: Fine. (Gets up) I don't need this from no cracker-lovin' family any damn way.

(Grandpa Kenneth walks out to the porch)

JOSHUA: I am so, so sorry about that.

JACOB: It's fine. My grandpa is crazy too.

JOSHUA: Okay. Have a seat.

(Joshua, Jacob, Ross and Ross' mom walk into the living room and take a seat and watch the Olympics opening ceremony. Cut to Ethan walking into an office and going up to a secretary)

ETHAN: Hello, I'm looking for Keith Farmella.

SECRETARY: Yes, Mr. Farmella is in his office, he'll be with you momentarily. Please sit down and enjoy all of the incredibly recent magazines we have laid out in the waiting area.

ETHAN: Okay, thanks. (Ethan goes over to the waiting area, sits down and opens a Newsweek, which has a picture of Rudy Giuliani straightening his tie with the caption "Is Rudy Giuliani the One?") Ooh, it seems as though the housing market will continue to boom. Thank God...wait, Edwards is running this year? I thought the sex scandal would have kind of gummed up those tires. Ooh! They're hanging Saddam again? I love re-enactments!


ETHAN: Okay, thank you. (He puts down the magazine and walks inside Keith's office. Keith turns around and shakes his hand) Hello, Ethan Donahue.

KEITH: (Keith has a lisp) My name's Keith Farmella.

ETHAN: Oh. Okay.

(They stop shaking hands)

KEITH: Yes. Have a seat.

ETHAN: Okay.


KEITH: Can I get you anything?

ETHAN: Um…what do you have?


ETHAN: Those last two were not alcohol.

KEITH: Which do you want?

ETHAN: Um…you know what? In honor of the London Olympics, I'll have Brandy.

KEITH: Okay, faggot.

(Keith hands him a glass of brandy)

ETHAN: You had it! (Keith pours himself absinthe and sits down) Isn't that illegal?

KEITH: Only if it has the chemical thujone. That shit'll give you visions.

ETHAN: Does that have thujone?

KEITH: Yes. Let's get down to business.

ETHAN: Let's do. We are interested in hearing your ideas for a major construction project in Hansbay to create jobs.

KEITH: Here's how I got the inspiration for my idea.

ETHAN: I haven't heard it yet.


ETHAN: …What?


ETHAN: Yeah…I don't really know if that'll attract anybody…

KEITH: Are you kidding me? Who wouldn't want to come see this?

ETHAN: Right off the top of my head, I'd say people who want to see the Statue of Liberty instead.

KEITH: C'mon. This idea is golden.

ETHAN: We don't have pictures of famous people reacting to television shows.

KEITH: We'll get Nixon to recreate it.

ETHAN: Nixon has been dead for like, eighteen years.

KEITH: Okay, then we'll get Frank Langella to do it. Better yet, we could have Nixon reacting to Frost/Nixon, that was a good movie.

ETHAN: That's not television.

KEITH: Oh, I'm sorry, I wasn't aware I was talking to nitpick Magee. Plus, we could have tourist traps surrounding the building, like the world's biggest mittens, the world's largest book and the world's largest condom.

ETHAN: Sold!

KEITH: Really?

ETHAN: Yeah! I've always loved tourist traps. Maybe we could get a shoe bigger than the one in Canyon Falls.

KEITH: The world's even biggerest shoe!

ETHAN: Exactly!

KEITH: Shake?

ETHAN: Like a hurricane!

(Ethan and Keith shake each other's hands and sit back down)


ETHAN: Jesus. Well, I'm sure you were unaware of the dangers of water intoxication-


ETHAN: …Yeah.

KEITH: Great. Thanks for coming.

ETHAN: …Yeah.

(Ethan shakes Keith's hand and leaves, stunned)


SECRETARY: Hey, that's my boss. Although he did kill someone's family member so he could meet someone else at their funeral.


(Cut to Rob entering Ryan's room while Ryan sits on his bed with his laptop)

ROB: Hey Ryan.

RYAN: What do you want, Rob?



ROB: It's just until I get back on my feet.


ROB: Well, of course.

RYAN: Sarcasm, anyway, please just go ask Jacob or Madeline first. I know it's inevitably going to be one of us, but please ask one of them first.

ROB: Why don't you want to bunk with me, Broseph?

RYAN: Because first of all, I hate people who incorporate the word "bro" into everyday words and names, second of all, you're a braggart, third of all, you're an asshole, fourth of all, you practice racquetball in the garage which is already really loud so I couldn't imagine how loud it would be in here. Plus, you're fucking terrible at it; I don't know who told you you were good.

ROB: I was being quiet as a mouse down there.

RYAN: You weren't, plus you killed all of Madeline's goldfish.



ROB: Her room has good acoustics.

RYAN: Listen, I don't want you to permeate my room with AXE Body spray, I don't want you ride our dog like a pony, I don't want you to wrestle my dog like it's WWE and I don't want you to live in here.


RYAN: I thought we were past that, but while we're back on it, I'm just going to point out that that prize doesn't exist.



ROB: Listen, I feel like we've started on the wrong foot.

RYAN: Yeah, you've said that to me like twenty times since we met, which was literally three days ago.

ROB: Fine, I'll go ask Madeline.

RYAN: Great.

(Cut to Rob walking into Madeline's room while Madeline is on her couch reading)

ROB: Hey Madeline.

(Madeline puts the book down)



MADELINE: Please ask Ryan or Jacob first.

ROB: I already asked Ryan.

MADELINE: Then ask Jacob! Sorry, I don't mean to be rude, but I fucking hate you!

ROB: So you do mean to be rude.

MADELINE: That's fair.


GRANDPA KENNETH: What is Lester Maddox still doing here?

ROSS: For Christ's sake, granddad, he's my friend!

GRANDPA KENNETH: He looked like he hosed me back in '63, like I said.


GRANDPA KENNETH: I remember the Birmingham police hired babies to spray us and confiscate our illegal liquor. Then we'd go to ragtime shows and do the Jitterbug.

ROSS: Okay, now you're like, confusing time periods, and even if the Birmingham police did hire babies, which they didn't, he would still have to be like 49 years old.

GRANDPA KENNETH: Let's just drop it.

ROSS: Okay, good!

(They continue watching the Olympics)

JACOB: Huh. Michael Phelps got fourth place. That's too bad.

ROSS: Well, he's ancient. He's literally 27 years old, which in swimmer years, is like being 74.

JACOB: What's the equation for figuring out swimmer years?

ROSS: Well, you take his real age and add the number of times he's posed on the front of a cereal box, and then times it by how many anabolic steroids you've injected into your taint, and then carry the two.


ROSS: Yeah, exactly! And Michael Phelps thinks it's about him...HA!

(Grandpa Kenneth takes out a Fresca and takes a sip)

JACOB: Um…where did you get that?

GRANDPA KENNETH: Oh, it must've been right next to my…(holds up an Old Navy catalog) Old Navy catalog.

JACOB: Don't fuck with me, man. Where did you get that Fresca and Old Navy catalog?





GRANDPA KENNETH: I also have a Dane Cook comedy special.

JACOB: You son of a bitch.


GRANDPA KENNETH: I'd beat he ass.

ROSS: Do you not sense some hypocrisy there?

GRANDPA KENNETH: I'm not following.

ROSS: Why is it okay for you to be a guy who stereotypes people but Jacob can't be?

GRANDPA KENNETH: I'm still not following. Be? Like bees? Bzzzzz…

ROSS: No, I'm not talking about bees.


GRANDPA KENNETH: Well, look! Some white person wrote "gay" on his uniform!

JACOB: His name is Tyson Gay!



GRANDPA KENNETH: Wow…that's very true. I see now the error of my ways. I got so caught up in hating white people that I forgot Dr. King's words. (Kennedy accent) "I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave-owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood." (Ends Kennedy accent) Great man, he was.

ROSS: Yeah…except you were doing a Kennedy accent.


JACOB: Yeah, you were.

GRANDPA KENNETH: How about this? (Jack Nicholson impression) "One day right there in Alabama, little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers, I have a dream today!"



JACOB: Close enough.

ROSS: Yeah.

(Two middle-aged black men come in)


JACOB: Nice to meet you.

UNCLE TOM: You as well.





JACOB: Jesus Christ…


JACOB: Mr. Higgins!

GRANDPA KENNETH: I know, I know.

JACOB: What were you thinking?

GRANDPA KENNETH: I know already!



ETHAN: Yeah, she's your fourth cousin, thrice removed.

RYAN: Awesome. By the way, we haven't decided who is bunking with Rob yet.

ETHAN: Rock paper scissors it or something.


KIMBERLY: Hey! Robert is very important to me.

JACOB: So is my sanity. Let's go, Ryan and Madeline.

MADELINE: Fine. (Ryan draws a rock and Madeline draws a paper, and then covers Ryan's rock with it) HA! Paper covers rock!

RYAN: Bullshit! Rock is just warmer now. It's like he has a fleece zip-up.

MADELINE: No, I'm smothering it like it's an elderly billionaire!

RYAN: Fine.


JACOB: HA! Rock crushes scissors.

RYAN: GODDAMNIT! Best two out of three?

JACOB: Hell no, that's for sore losers. Now go give that sore loser the tour of your room.

(Rob comes in)


KIMBERLY: Chinaberry, get over here. Sorry.



ETHAN: Excuse me?

ROB: That's not what I meant.

ETHAN: What exactly did you mean then?

ROB: Can I take your car to the pharmacy?

ETHAN: No, take Kimberly's car.

ROB: That piece of shit Volkswagen?

ETHAN: No, that's my car, and if you call it a piece of shit one more time I'm going to sock you in the cunt.


RYAN: That's mine.

JACOB: You don't seem offended.

RYAN: No, he's right. It is a piece of dick.

ETHAN: Just pick a car that's not my Jetta, not Kimberly's Avalanche, not Ryan's Corolla nor Jacob's Buick Century.


ETHAN: …I dislike you very much.

(Fade to black)



| Email this story Email this Script | Add to reading list


