Thursday 13 March 2014

Daddy, what is the EU for?

And what are Pippa Middleton, Ed Miliband and Sepp Blatter for, too? The awkward questions that children ask - and the answers.

What is the unique thing that Britain gets out of the EU, Daddy? Answer: nearly all our laws and regulations - Daddy, what is the EU for?

Einstein believed that if a theory cannot be explained to a child, it isn’t working. He also believed that the best way to explain a theory was to see it as a ''picture’’ — his theory of special relativity, for example, can be visualised as a boy outracing a light beam.

But 10 year-olds have a habit of asking questions that ought to be easy to answer, but aren’t. Not long ago, mine asked me a question I’ve been brooding over ever since: “Daddy, what is the EU for?”

How was I supposed to answer that? And the questions are only going to get worse this year with so many dark and disturbing events in prospect: the collapse of the eurozone, a war with Iran, a third series of Downton Abbey. So for parents of 10 year-olds everywhere, here are some ready answers.

Daddy, what is Sepp Blatter for?

Sepp Blatter is the president-for-life of Fifa, the governing body of world football. It is his job to make sure that there is enough corruption in the game, from top to bottom. He has a Facebook page dedicated to him called “Why we all hate Sepp Blatter, the smug little ….” Some 2,849 Facebook users ''Like’’ this.

So we hate him because Fifa is corrupt?

And because he called us ''bad losers’’.

Is he French?

You would think so, wouldn’t you, but he is in fact Swiss. One of Einstein’s visual images might help here: think of Sepp Blatter as a human sponge who soaks up abuse. Football’s answer to Nick Clegg.

What is Nick Clegg for?

Well, he’s the Deputy Prime Minister, which means that when the Prime Minister is too busy he stands in for him. They look quite similar from a distance.

My friend Archie says that Clegg is Cameron’s b----.

Please. This is a family newspaper. Children might be reading this.

Sorry, Daddy. I think Archie meant it in the gangsta rap sense of the word.

In that case, yes, I suppose Clegg is Cameron’s b----. Though in my day we would have called him his ''fag’’. On a cold winter’s morning, Clegg has to ''warm the loo seat’’ for Cameron.

Is that another visual image?

No, he literally has to do it. When Cameron came back from Brussels after vetoing a new EU treaty, the first thing he asked was: “Has Cleggy warmed my loo seat?”

What is the EU for?

Have you asked your mother?

Yes, she told me to ask you.

Did she? Well, OK, it’s there to stop European countries fighting each other. For years, you see, they were all at each other’s throats, then someone invented nuclear weapons and that made everyone stop and think. Having just come through a world war, the European nations decided that they couldn’t risk another one, because if nuclear bombs were involved there would be no Europe left to fight over.

I thought the EU was all about free trade?

Yes, that as well. Lots of it.

So if we weren’t in the EU, we wouldn’t be allowed to trade with other European countries?

Um, no, I think we still would, what with globalisation and all that... But, er, I’m glad you raised this because it brings me on to another important point about Europe. Being in the EU makes us part of a large political bloc, which is crucial in a globalised world. What this means in practice is that if President Obama wants to talk to David Cameron he can simply pick up the phone to Herman Van Rompuy in Brussels, and he can pass on the message.

What is the Turner Prize for?

You know how people say, “A child of five could do that”? Well, you’re 10; hurry up and “do that”, then I can retire.

What is the Large Hadron Collider for?

Ah, I could use another of Einstein’s ''visualisations’’ here. Imagine two boys running towards each other really, really fast. When they bump heads this is called the Big Bang. What they are trying to do in the LHC is recreate the original Big Bang, which occurred at the beginning of time.

So that we can start again, only this time without making any mistakes?

No, I think it’s more about finding out how it all works, that’s why they keep referring to the Higgs Boson, or ''God Particle’’. I read in the Telegraph recently that this has something to do with Margaret Thatcher. Not literally. Metaphorically. If Margaret Thatcher was at a Tory Party social in 1993, everyone would gravitate towards her, because she had more mass than anyone else. The God Particle does something similar, when it is at a cocktail party.

Margaret Thatcher: isn’t she the character played by Meryl Streep?

Well, yes, but before Meryl Streep made her famous, Lady Thatcher was well known in her own right. Many years ago, you see, this country was run by a crypto-communist from Yorkshire called Arthur Scargill, who had a comb-over that he tried to hold in place with Brut Hairspray for Men. She sorted him out. And General Galtieri. She also put the “great” back into Great Britain, which is why Guardian readers hate her.

What is the CAP for?

Oh, I thought we’d done Europe. OK, well, the wonderful thing about Europe is that each country gets something out of it that is unique to them. The Greeks get their debts paid off by the Germans. The Germans get to sell their cars to Britain and France. And the French get the greatest prize of all, which is the CAP, or Common Agricultural Policy. This accounts for almost half of the EU budget and it allows taxpayers across Europe, but mostly in Britain and Germany, to pay large sums of money to French farmers so that they can carry on farming inefficiently. The British and Germans can then buy the food that the French farmers produce.

What is the unique thing that the British get out of the EU, then?

Well, we get nearly all our laws and regulations from Europe, 80 per cent of them, I believe.

But don’t the other European countries get them, too?

Technically yes, but they ignore them because they don’t like red tape, whereas we love it!

What is democracy for?

Now I’m glad you asked me this, because we have some big elections coming up in 2012: America, France, Spain and, er, Russia. The word demos comes from the ancient Greeks, who invented democracy, but nowadays they are not allowed to practise it themselves, because they can’t be trusted to vote in the way that the Germans want them to.

What is Pippa Middleton for?

Do you know, I’m not entirely sure. I read somewhere that she is writing a book, but I think her main job is to preserve the dignity of her lovely sister, the Duchess of Cambridge, and, with it, the institution of monarchy.

There is a theory that if only Diana, Princess of Wales, had had a sister, things might have worked out much better for her and for the monarchy. I know she did have one (two, in fact), but I mean a minxy sister like Pippa, one who draws press attention the way magnesium decoy flares released from an F1-15E over Kabul draw heat-seeking missiles. But don’t tell your mother I said that.

What is the Salford Media City for?

The taxpayers who pay for the BBC decided one day that they had had enough of the Corporation’s Left-wing bias, and that if the people at the BBC liked Russia so much they could jolly well go and live there. Someone then pointed out that Russia isn’t Left wing any more. If anything it’s Right wing. But the principle of sending the BBC somewhere that was cold, wet and miserable seemed sound, so it was decided they would all have to go and live in our equivalent of Siberia, which is Greater Manchester.

What is 2012 for?

This is an Olympics question, right? OK, you know we were talking about how the ancient Greeks invented democracy? Well, they also invented the Olympics. That was when the chap died after running the first marathon. The games were such a success that for about 2,000 years afterwards the world didn’t bother holding any more of them. Then, about 150 years ago, someone thought it would be a good idea to start having them again, as a way of helping the host nation to make money.

But didn’t Greece hold it eight years ago?

Are there many more of these questions?

What are books for?

Before the days of Kindle and the iPad, books were very important. They evolved over many centuries to sit perfectly in your lap. Exactly the right weight and shape. You could turn over the page to mark where you had got up to, and you could annotate them with a pencil. And not only were these ''books’’ a pleasure to hold, they were also, with their beautiful jacket designs, a pleasure to behold.

Then one day someone realised that if books were such a pleasure to read, more people would want to read them, and this could be a dangerous thing because ''readers’’ would be given ideas above their station. So it was decided to replace books with small, grey electronic tablets that no one would want to read once the novelty had worn off.

What is quantitative easing for?

As the Germans showed shortly after the First World War, when your economy is in trouble, all you need to do is print more money.

Didn’t that lead to hyperinflation, which in turn led to a dictatorship?

Yes, but a dictatorship that was able to stimulate growth by building autobahns and armaments factories.

What are computer games for?

Yeah, right. Like a 10 year-old would ask that.

What is Ed Miliband for?

Ed Miliband is there to keep the Conservatives in power. Mr Cameron has to be careful not to make him look too hopeless though, because then the Labour party will replace him with someone electable before the next election.

When will that be?

In April, after Pippa announces her engagement to Prince Harry, and just before the Coalition collapses and the euro is replaced by the Deutschmark. It will be what’s known as a ''snap election’’.

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