Does anyone ever feel it's just all a bit unfair??!!

(37 Posts)
makemineamalibuandpineapple Sun 31-Mar-13 19:08:06

How the partner that leaves just often leaves without a backwards glance assuming that the partner that stays will pick up the pieces and be the responsible one? I mean, what if the partner left behind just thought, "oh bugger this, I'm off too". Then where would the poor children be?

It's just the irresponsibility of it and the assumption that someone else will do it. To be honest, this even applies to men/women who pay maintenance because in my opinion they have the easy job. They just pay the money and don't have to deal with the day to day slog.

In many cases, mine included, there isn't even any maintenance to be had. I am just expected to support our child single handedly. My ex-husband however, now plays daddy to 3 kids who are not his own (he also has another bio daughter who he has left in similar circumstances to us).

Anyway, RANT OVER grin If anyone else fancies a rant then feel free!!

AmIthatSpringy Sun 21-Apr-13 20:43:06

Thanks for the opportunity to rant, which is great because I was having a bit of a "moment" today.

ExP rarely sees DD, and in holidays I have to beg for an odd day here or there. The rest of school holidays I have to juggle my annual leave with kids clubs.

I do think it's unfair, as I am stuck in a job I hate, and can't go for jobs I would really like and be good at, because I have to organise my life round DD and her start and finish times at school

My only hobby I am having to give up, because my only babysitter is no longer available.

I would love to go to the gym after work, I would love to even work a bit later some nights instead of having to tear up the road to pick DD up from kids club.

I would love to join colleagues for a quick drink after work.

I would love to have some time to myself

ExP does whatever he wants and takes new wife and HER daughter abroad twice a year.

So, I agree it is all a bit unfair sad

ItsOkayItsJustMyBreath Sun 21-Apr-13 19:37:33

OP well put!!

Quick rant as I need to get it out.

X told me yesterday that I was lucky to have help from my DM (I am grateful for this) and that he pays me too much angry. He lives with his parents and pays no rent or bills, earns a decent wage and sees DS 4 times a fortnight (2 overnights). I had told him how worn out I am (DS is 2...) and his reply? "All children are challenging and you have a better time of it than most".

He then said he would swap places with me tomorrow and be the RP. He wouldn't last 2 seconds, he complains how shattered he is after spending 1 day with him.

I hate having to keep things civil and all happy in front of DS when I want to scream at him (X, not DS!).

angry angry angry

makemineamalibuandpineapple Sun 21-Apr-13 15:23:36

My ex-husband, after hiring a private detective to find me (he knew where I lived btw) as it was in the local newspaper is now not exactly keeping to his side of his arangements re. seeing DS. We had mediation last November and he made a big song and dance about wanting him every 2 weeks. He has had him twice since then. I have not prevented him, it's just that it hasn't been convenient.

He had him last weekend but now can't have him for 4 weeks. The next time he was due to have him was on the weekend of his gf's birthday but he has put that above seeing his son. The following weekend is no good as it is their childfree weekend (her 3 kids go to their dads). The next time he sees DS, it will be 4 weeks since he saw him. Allegedly, he will be seeing him twice in May but I'm not holding my breath!!

ObiWankenYoni Fri 19-Apr-13 08:56:11

My Dds father has ignored her for a while now

I've shopped him to the CSA

Now who has the upper hand wink

equinox Fri 19-Apr-13 08:47:54

The way I look at it what goes around comes around in the next life (I am a strong believer in reincarnation)so these exes who are at fault and live the life of riley after the break-up will get their come uppance then.

Not sounding bitter or malicious but I do believe in karma which totally helps me!

3mum Tue 09-Apr-13 21:51:45

Totally agree about the abandoned parent having to be the one who steps up to the mark. When my STBXH ran off after 22 years of marriage and several affairs he ended up with a woman who was pregnant when he met her and is now living with her and is a doting dad to her baby (he showed our 11 year old DD the pictures of the caesarian birth last time she visited him shock - her comment was "there was a lot of blood"). I'm told he does all the things for her child he never did with ours. Obviously he wants to reinvent himself and I don't care about that, but I do think its a darn good thing that I still put our children first and didn't bugger off with the first man who winked at me! I do get mild satisfaction from the fact I don't believe he traded up...

spongebobandpatrick Tue 09-Apr-13 21:27:47

Not that I blame her, but it just seems so cruel and unfair that another child is getting the attention of 2 father figures and DD gets none. sad

It makes me hate him and I don't want to waste my time hating, but DD has such severe problems and it has all been left to me, he doesn't even check in.

Considering he doesn't believe DD has issues, because of course it's all down to my crap parenting, this is not the reason he doesn't bother either. DD's issues are becoming more and more apparent the older she becomes, and he hasn't seen her for a while, nor do I discuss her issues with him. He would only use them as another weapon to beat me with.

angry angry angry angry angry

spongebobandpatrick Tue 09-Apr-13 21:23:19

Yes, this really annoys me too.

XP and I have a DD whom he doesn't see because he's too busy looking after his g/f's DS while his g/f works. They work at the same place but split their shifts so g/f's DS is looked after without needing to pay for childcare. He works full time, yet pays nothing towards DD.

If I thought I would get away with it, I would name and shame him at his works, but knowing my luck, I'd get in trouble.

XP complains incessantly about my parenting skills, apparently I don't possess any, yet he can't be bothered to spend time with DD.

What really annoyed me this week was when I discovered he had been spotted out with his girlfriend and was buying virtual strangers drinks, yet he can't afford to spare a few coppers for his DD. angry

I heard that from an extremely reliable source btw.

DD has quite severe behavioural issues and a break once in a while would be much appreciated.
How nice it must be to be able to go to work, and earn a decent wage while your b/f is looking after your child, and then to have the weekend to go out and let your hair down while your son's father takes your son for the weekend.
That's what happens to xp's g/f, yet DD doesn't get a look in.

I'm not spending a large chunk of my life being miserable because I made the mistake of having a kid with the wrong person

Totally agree lostdad

You sound like a brilliant dad & I hope that your kids see that as they get older & things improve for you smile

I do feel that like sometimes but not very often anymore (DS is now 2 and a half and I went through pregnancy alone etc so it's been ages now).

I try very hard not to let myself go down that path though as it just makes you feel worse.

You picked up the responsibility because you're a decent human being and your kids are lucky to have that, even if there's only one of you.
The Ex is missing out more than they'll ever know.

Yes, it's damn well hard & unfair sometimes but they'll never know how proud you can feel as the parent who's done the time & put in the effort, love & sacrifice. It really is very much their loss wine

lostdad Tue 09-Apr-13 13:03:01

At the end of the day when a couple splits up they both have to understand that they cannot control what the other one does or says and the best thing to do is not to care.

My ex has done quite a few of unforgiveable things (and she follows it up with more ones from time to time) but I treat her the same way I would if it started raining: I put my raincoat on and carry on regardless.

She quite clearly hates me, won't move on and is out to punish. I can't begin to understand how much it clearly blights her life and to be honest the best thing for her (and everyone else) is to move on and be happy. And I hope she is, but I fear she isn't.


RocksThatIGot Tue 09-Apr-13 12:53:10

I did spend quite a long time feeling like you do OP, then I realised that all it was doing was making me bitter, and the best thing to do is just crack on with things. I do wholeheartedly agree with you btw, I just don't waste my energy thinking about it.

ozzywiz Mon 08-Apr-13 18:19:35

Well at least you care Lostdad, but there are a lot of seperated parents our there that clearly based on their own actions that do not.

lostdad Mon 08-Apr-13 16:37:56

Mums, dads, good, bad. There's good and bad in all.

In my case my son was abducted by his mum without warning while I was at work. The intervening years ruined my health (permanently), my finances (I lose my house and my business) and it took 5 years in court for him to be able to see me to a meaningful level.

I was left with a mountain of debt (the best being a hidden red letter from HMRC) and our house emptied while I continued to work (after refusing to be signed off with depression because I couldn't afford to be ill) because I was naive enough not to change the locks and thought my ex wouldn't stop so low.

I would have given her everything if she'd left our son with me. As it was she took the one thing I couldn't bear to lose.

Yes - it's shit. Being saddled with a nasty ex is the worst thing: You are chained to a loony until your kids are adults...quite possibly longer.

Pinkshaman Mon 08-Apr-13 13:07:31

I've had moments of it. I'm supporting both his dd's (one not mine) without any any financial help from him. He won't have dd during school holidays, and doesn't have to worry about what to do if she is ill and he needs to work to pay the bills like I do or how she is doing at school/homework etc.

He's refused to help out when I've needed to be in two places at once for dsd and dd and he's never bought either of them a Christmas or birthday present until he got a gf and she started doing it. He was happy to come here and have the celebrations with us and eat my food though!

The thing is he doesn't look happy, he just gets more and more grumpy and snarly about stuff - whereas I'm really happy and I'm proud that dd and who she is and her achievements are (other than her own effort) down to me.

ozzywiz Sun 07-Apr-13 23:51:04

You know its crazy, cause im a guy and can understand exactly what you are all saying. my ex puts everything before her kids.

Mofo2610 Sun 07-Apr-13 18:49:15

When i split from my EX i felt exactly the same! I had to bear all the responsibility of raising our 2 sons, working PT and keeping my self from having a breakdown & blaming myself for the failings in our relationship (which i know were most definitely not mine). He claimed poverty and i always said that i didnt want his £££ just for him to be an active parent. Almost a year after we split he managed to have enough cash to "find himself" in Ibiza (this only lasted a few months) but i will always resent him for disappearing to a party Island rather than manning the fuck up & being a responsibly adult (like that'll ever happen!)

duffybeatmetoit Tue 02-Apr-13 00:55:02

Yes it is unfair. He does buggerall in the way of parenting but takes all the credit. Misses a third of payments. Alters his contact to fit in with OW's plans and wouldn't make much effort at all if it wasn't for MILs fear of losing contact.

This weekend was typical with me playing games, organising egg hunts etc and him away on holiday with the OW. The only consolation was dd ringing him very early one morning and ringing a second time whilst they were clearly mid-shag. Below me perhaps but it was entertaining.

... but dd misses him and loves him very much so I spend loads of time trying to pick her up sad. One day she will see him for what he is and that really saddens me that she has that pain to come.

comingintomyown Mon 01-Apr-13 12:57:27

I totally agree

My two DC are teens and the youngest is having some serious issues which I am trying my best to help her with but its going to be a long road and one I am now, 3 years on, getting fed up of trudging down alone.

XH pays maintenance and is solid contact wise but it doesnt alter the fact that 11 days out of 14 he is free as a bird and blissfully unaware of all the drama with DD.

Whilst he is good on some fronts when it comes to the emotional side of things he is unable to deal with anything without it being through the filter of it not being his fault he left etc . He cant see beyond that issue so all DDs stuff about not wanting to go to him, poor behaviour at school etc he puts under the heading of difficult teenager rather than man up and accept some responsibility and make changes to his own behaviour. After trying to gently talk to him about her loads of times I have given up as it just leaves me more pissed off rather than feeling hes supporting me.

Not only have I been left to deal with my own fallout from him leaving OW etc but I have to deal with the DCs too which is what I find infuriating.

Still on the plus side I am much happier now so thats something.

makemineamalibuandpineapple Mon 01-Apr-13 09:10:14

mumandboys he had the bio daughter after he left us. I don't see how you can change anyone's behaviour anyway.

ozzywiz Sun 31-Mar-13 21:47:20

As a single dad to 5 kids I can totally agree and understand what your saying, I have full residence of our 5 children (4 girls and one boy) and been on my own for 3 years. . and the above comment that If we just decided not too bother then who would. Contact is going well now so this is a good thing.

Sommink Sun 31-Mar-13 21:12:40

My ex couldn't take any time off over easter so that I could work because he needs his holiday days for his two week birthday celebration he has every year even though I'm a casual worker so I now wont get any pay for 2 weeks.

He also has no money to help pay for any of her extra curricular activities clothes etc etc even though he lives rent free in the house I own and he is refusing to sell.

He has never taken any time off when she's been ill or when she was admitted to hospital after a bad head bump.

All I think is my dd is bright and happy and thats down to me, and as she grows she will see what i do and have done for her and what her daddy choose's not to do.

Mumfortoddler Sun 31-Mar-13 21:03:19

If only there was a site where you could bitch about ex's bad behaviour, that way we could give each other heads ups! I am now trying internet dating again and lots of single dads, suspect of any that don't have contact, but would love the lowdown.

normaleggy Sun 31-Mar-13 20:59:34

My ex is the other way round, he pays some (not as much as he could) money into my account every month but has turned his back on his dc (5 & 3) and refuses to have anything to do with them, hasn't for just over a year. Whilst it is nice not having to deal with the horrible cunt myself, I feel so sad for dc. Dd occasionally asks when daddy is coming home and it breaks my heart to think they will grow up without a dad and possibly feel rejected.

colditz Sun 31-Mar-13 20:51:00

It is not a new partners responsibility to make the stbex pay maintenance, its is his own responsibility to pay it. I don't blame my ex's new gf for the things he fails to do, I blame myself for having a baby with such. Fucking loser, and I blame him for being one .... But believe me when I say he not the worst non res parent out there, not by far!

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