Physically Unable to Perform: A Survey of Fired NFL Coaches







Jeff: "How many yards do you want it from? I guess it depends on how badly you will be sacked, right? Nevermind."

Jeff: Charlie Whitehurst: "I have a suggestion. It's kind of a combo. Tavaris have you ever tried bunting the football?"

David: Whitehurst is taking an Innovation class at a local community college. He keeps trying to get Marshawn Lynch to read The Tipping Point.

Jeff: I feel bad about the Dolphins firing Tony Sparano. They'd actually gotten some momentum. Empty stadium. Some momentum. If I weren't so lazy, I'd Google the attendance of pro football games in Florida because, with the exception of Cincinnati, it feels like the Dolphins, Jags, and Buccaneers are always having problems selling out.

David: I imagine it has something to do with their economy, which—and this is just going by what I read—is now based entirely around the sale of prescription drugs, founding phony charter schools (and then stealing the students's prescription drugs), and foreclosing on homes.

David: Sparano does at least have some prospects. He is going to focus on his sideline career as a model for sunglasses that are only sold in gas stations. Todd Haley I'm pretty sure is going to continue his special ops career. Or just murder eight Michelob Ultras. Hard to say.

Jeff: I have never heard his voice, and have no authority to do so, but I would give him a job doing VO for pick-up truck commercials.

David: Nice to see Romeo Crennel back in action as a head coach, though. By which I'm saying that we're going to be seeing Romeo Crennel's crater-lake belly button through his shirt again, so we better start trying to think that's nice.

Jeff: And somewhere Jim Caldwell is peeking out from behind a curtain.

Jeff: I am praying for a Rams win. What they are doing on offense makes the Broncos look like the Warren Moom-Ernest Givins-era Houston Oilers. Do the Seahawks even have to play any road games since they beat the Giants? By the way I think the Giants vs. Packers rematch in the playoffs will be legendary.

David: At the very least, the last five minutes of the fourth quarter should be fun. Are the Rams playing Kellen Clemens right now? Or Channing Tatum? Or "Goose" Fudgins?

Jeff: I think Bradford is actually playing. It's 4th and 1, and they're trying to pass it 19 yards down the field. Would handing it off to Jackson have been too predictable?

David: I ask because I know they signed Kirt Kollins and Casey Tickler this week as insurance. Also because Kellen Clemens was warming up at one point, and I got excited. Tom Brandstadter, I think, is sitting in the $35 seats with a thermos of cider.

Jeff: I think they're bringing in a QB from SE Indiana State (North Campus).

David: The Fighting Grains.

Jeff: Who has been a professional bartender since 2006. This is gonna be like that game last year, the -3 to 2 game these teams gutted out.

David: Just add Whitehurst. He makes it a party whenever he comes in. A party full of one-hopped passes and ATV-hair, but one I at least want to be at.

Jeff: I watched a lot of Joe Webb on Sunday. He almost came back against the Lions.

David: Webb is fun to watch.

Jeff: I thought he did great last year. He beat the Eagles in Philly. They should have been playing him more this year. That's not exactly a unique sentiment but it is the truth.

Jeff: They should play him the rest of the season. Gruden loves to say "packages." He loves to talk about what packages teams are bringing. "Now this is a unique package. Scotch taped. Wrapped in foil. Tremendous candy-apple red bow on it. Paper dusted lightly with perfume. Just outstanding."

David: "Look at the recognition here. That was FESTIVE." Speaking of packages, what is Lexus's angle with the unctuous-yuppies-secretly-gifting-each-other-sedans ads running nonstop during NFL games? Is there some secret market sensitivity suggesting that Browns fans want to do that? Also those ads have gotten so baroque and weird now. Half of them play like scenes from horror movies, only with a bow-tied SUV in place of the Sawpuppet or whatever.

Jeff: That is not my America. The only kind of ad that speaks to me would be Jared from Subway introducing a "real boots on the ground diet sub" with R. Lee Ermey slowly losing his temper in the background. "It's over 1.5 lbs of iceberg lettuce on ciabatta flatbread. And you're not supposed to fucking enjoy it, shitball. Of course, you can have it with reduced fat mayo, if you're a complete pussy."

David: Jared is dedicated to bringing sandwiches to people who are otherwise such unhealthy eaters that they DO NOT EVEN EAT SANDWICHES.

Jeff: "A sandwich is just bizarre to me. Who would do that?"

David: The PowerCleanse Footlong would be great, though. They'd sell a lot of those.

Jeff: "Need a PowerCleanse...actually can you substitute sour cream and onion potato chips for the shaved carrots? And add more meat smushins?"

David: Whole wheat, cut in half, and then just cayenne, lemon wedges and celery inside.

Jeff: Tavaris Jackson plays like he has bug spray in his eyes.

David: I can't believe Seattle willingly, on-purpose signed him. If he's there when you get there, or just shows up at practice with Krispy Kreme or whatever, sure. But it must have been really hard for his agent not to chuckle during the negotiations. "Oh, there are some other... offers?"

Jeff: "He's fully committed to bringing you whatever you want...And when it comes to football, he'll meet you halfway."

Jeff: Time has not been friendly to Chris Berman.

David: Chris Berman needs to be basted more often.

Jeff: I am hearing him from down the hall. In stereo. Without any picture. It's only his voice. Chris Berman a capella tracks. I have a Lions-Saints week 8 bootleg from 1993 with 14 woooop woooob woooops in it.

David: "FUM-BELL BY JOHN ONE TWO THREE FOUR WHAT ARE WE FIGHTING FOURCADE" And just tape hiss in the background. A lot of DJ's are making new beats to put underneath the vocals. It's epic.

Jeff: These vocal explosions sound like someone trying to pass a stone.

David: A stone the size of Bob Costas. I do like his quick-change ability on segues, though.

Jeff: That is the definition of ENTHUSIASM.

David: He hasn't lost that. He can go from talking about a worthy cancer-benefit initiative and then instantly pivot back to punning about Antonio Gates.

Jeff: I think Berman needs that Gatorade with plasma in it afterwards. Like four towels. Gargle with salt water. "...And I am roasted. Who wants to get naughty and look at old Baltimore Colts films?"

David: As soon as the cameras are off he's shirtless. So fast you can't even see it.

Jeff: To me, Berman is like the decadent Peter King.

David: Decadent Peter King. From back in the early 1990s, when he was just putting whatever he could into his body. Living hard, hanging out with Nikki Sixx and Judd Nelson. Now it's just pumpkin spice lattes for him. He has a Starbucks Ambassador card and so can get them all year round.

Jeff: Chris Mortensen looks like Sam the butcher from The Brady Bunch. I'm bummed about Sparano.

David: He did kind of turn the team around. I guess they just want someone slower to anger in control for when Losman takes over?

They were actively good for six weeks. Getting beat by the Eagles is not a firing offense. The Eagles are talented enough to beat anyone. Haley probably deserves to be fired. I don't sense he's that great at his gig, and he seems definitively not nice.

Jeff: He's had key personnel problems. Though, losing that bad to the Bills on opening day was bad in retrospect now. I'd maybe not start Matt Cassel any more though.

Jeff: If Herm Edwards goes to Miami, I will vomit. Norv Turner needs to go back to the Redskins.

David: Herm Edwards cannot be hired at this point. He is primarily a performance artist now.

Jeff: Coughlin = Bills. I would love to see Belichick go back to the Browns. Shurmur is obviously wrong in that special Cleveland way.

David: Coughlin in Miami would be hilarious. Like David Caruso in CSI: Miami.

Jeff: Jim Schwartz has Falcons or Redskins written all over him.

David: Just a cruel mismatch with constant comic aspects. Skins are perfect for Schwartz, who will get with them in like a decade when his star is falling.

Jeff: Jim Schwartz is like a pocket Sean Payton. I firmly believe Sean Payton has a Cyrpress Hill tattoo on one of his shoulders.

David: I'd like to see Dennis Green make a return. Head up to Buffalo and make them believe.

Jeff: Gary Kubiak = Vikings. Leslie Frazier = Packers punting coach. Jeff Fisher = Bears. Mike Martz = back to Rams, or Arizona. I could see him buying out all the talc in Arizona. Spags should go to the Eagles.

David: Do you remember those old football cards that were like an out-of-focus photo and a caption? "Bartkowski stifles a burp." "Byner runs in terror." I'd like to see one for the Rams—like a team checklist—with a picture of Spagnuolo clapping on the front. Caption is "Spags rallies the troops" or something.

Jeff: Spags broke over 433 clipboards in 1981 and would only "bark" as a method of communication to his cornerbacks.

David: Spags with the Eagles would be great. The fan base would want to hate him, but be put off by the fact that they all look like meaner versions of him.

Jeff: Did the Rams run that last play without an offensive line?

David: Amazing local ad on the video-stream here. Big Daddy's Outdoors, Highway 72 in Bridgeport, Alabama. Their bowhunting expert is billed as "Conan The Bow-Barian. Then Northeast Alabama CC. "Be a mustang! Take this underlit painting class!"

David: Is there a previous commercial that explains why Brian Orakpo is such a dick to the Geico caveman? Like the caveman had cuckolded Orakpo, and Orakpo knows because he hired a private investigator, but the caveman doesn't know that Orakpo knows it?

Jeff: I'd like to stick those cavemen in a wood chipper.

David: You can imagine how cruel Orakpo is to John Beck.

Jeff: The Rams ran that last play without an offensive line. They also have no pass rush.

David: They're a disaster. They're giving up like 13.7 yards per play this season.

Jeff: They need a guy named Reese Delvecchio, P/WR. The Bengals used to have a lot of punter wide receivers, lots of guys named Pat.

David: They did have a lot of Pats. The Jets were stockpiling Kens at that point.

Jeff: The Giants had a lot of receivers that looked like Linda Evans. The Patriots now have a lot of linemen that look like Linda Tripp.

David: It's a popular look. Linda Tripp-plus-beard-plus-patriotic-tattoos is very hot right now. Look for a lot of pantsuits in the next collection from Logan by Logan Mankins.



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