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“Poetry is like the glittering pink ocean. It sounds beautiful and delectable, but you really have no idea what is going on. I mean, glittering pink ocean? WTF?”
~ Lord Byron on poetry
“Roses are red,
violets are too.
In Soviet Russia,
poem writes YOU!”
~ Russian reversal on poetry
The wily and elusive poet in her natural environment.

Poetry is the art of writing incoherent phrases to suggest mystery and generally confuse people. It does this through diction, caesura, figurative language, and large amounts of illegal drugs. Unlike writing prose or anything else, writing poetry does not include forethought or revision. Poetry is often written with the intention of attracting girls.

Some notable poets are William Shakespeare (recently confirmed to have truly been a woman), Robert Frost, Homer, Oscar Wilde, John Milton, Lord Byron, John Keats and the Pam Ayres. Livejournals and have become the mecca for contemporary poetry. Anything written about poetry is purely speculative since nobody ever reads it.

The first poetry

See also: Nobody cares

The origins of poetry are uncertain. The most likely origin is word-of-mouth oratory and song-speech. Storytelling was often made more interesting through things such as rhyme scheme and rhythm.

The emergence and growing popularity of heavy metal and grindcore music in Egypt paved the way for the first documented poetry. Many Egyptian slave laborers wrote these first poetic prototypes in between the daily activities of carrying stones and carrying heavier stones. They were often written into sand, and later, a more lasting medium, clay tablets. Few remaining clay tablets of Egyptian poetry exist, since the Egyptian overlords often confiscated any they found and destroyed them. A virulent and hilarious beating usually followed.

Types and Examples

Iambic Pentameter:

Iambic pentameter is all like. . .

Some examples here for you to see
Of contemporary poetry.


Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
All of my base,
Are belong to you.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Let's get some barbecue
and get busy.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Some poems rhyme
But this one doesn't.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue
Come hear so I can buck you,
In the place where you poo.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Make me a sandwich,
Or I will kill you.

Roses are grey,
Violets are grey,
I'm color blind.

Foreign language

Strange though it may seem, foreigners participate in poetry too. Beautiful French, Spanish, Chinese and yes, even German poetry has been recorded throughout the ages. Take this 19th Century Lament for a requiem by Georg Vilhelm Friedrich Hegel.

Ich bin so schrecklich müde.
Mir ist's ganz schwer ums Herz.
Ich träume von meiner Gertrude.
Ertrinkt in meinem Schmerz.

The part about his dying grandmother and house burning down are exceptionally funny and warming to the soul.


Haiku are too short
In which to describe poems
Of seventeen sounds

Yudo Nomi

Haiku is fun
but sometimes misunderstood

Fyuk Yoo

Modern poetry

Angst, one of the more common emotions of poetic verses.

Modern poetry is the poetry of our age. Much of it is unoriginal, generic, and easy to spot. It often consists of archaic language, very basic format, and often times a childish tone and message. A poem about a laptop or an iPod is likely to be modern poetry.

Stupid poetry

Generic poetry is perhaps one of the most common forms of modern poetry. Much of it consists of individuals with something to say wanting to seem like they’re saying nothing. It is also what happens when people learn big words, and want to show them off in a "sensitive" and "thoughtful" way. "Oh, oh, look at me! I have emotions! I want to comment on the world around me in order to change it! I think that the best way to do this is in the way that nobody can understand!"

Now to turn it into a poem.

Poette’s Lament

O, gaze upon me!
I feel
Yearning to remark
on the cage that is around me
in order: to amend it!
O, I shall reach my end through tongue incomprehensible!

Stupid poetry is not completely without point or logic, however. According to Frederico Lorca in Survival of the Dimmest, writing smart poetry carries great risk of death by lacerations, ingestion, poison, and concussions:

"But intelligence is often the enemy of poetry, because it limits too much, and it elevates the poet to a sharp-edged throne where he forgets that ants could eat him or that a great arsenic lobster could fall suddenly on his head."

Stream of consciousness

Stream of consciousness is an extreme form of stupid poetry which attempts to follow the normal flow of human thought. It fails miserably; if people really thought as some of this type of poetry suggest, we would have probably been eaten to extinction by sabre-toothed tigers. It is mostly created by lazy people, and those just trying to be weird.

A Stream of Consciousness

Wenbar wits bah ah

And the coyote man would NORTH SOUTH

ravage the beauty


apostrophe (NORTH)

- Anonymous

Making fun of Newfoundlanders poetry

Poetry addressed at Newfoundlanders is renowned for it hilariousness and wit. Below is a poem by B.F. Gardner, a classic example:

I'S DE B'Y at University of Toronto

I's de b'y dat feeds de grass
an' I's de b'y dat cuts 'er
an' I's de b'y whose brudder works
wit' de sand an' morter.

Well I been workin' here so long
dat I begun ta wonder
after all dees years o sluggin' me guts
how I still breaks wind like tunder?

Hows about a piece of ars
I'll stick ya wit' me pickle
an' pull yer dress up over yer face
all 'round Hart House Circle.

Oh I's de b'y dat drives de truck
an' dats jus' fer starters
I listen to all me Uncle says
an' carries out his orders.

Well de foreman works jus' lik' de men
an' de Unions gonna git him
fer I been keepin' notes ya see
an' if I were a fag I'd screw him.


Not wiggers
Photo taken of contemporary American poets (World Poet's Society, 2008).

Rap, otherwise known as "fast poetry uttered by gangstas", is the contemporary form of poetic expression. It is often spoken in a nonsensical dialect known as ebonics. Common themes in rap include bitches and hoes, wearing flashy and heavy jewelry, expensive cars, having to pay child support, and the typical thug life in the ghetto streets that the rapper no longer lives in because he resides in a mansion that his record company owns.

Rappers often adopt nome-de-plumes such as 50 Cent, Lil Wayne, or DMX because of the unappealing nature of their real names. Most rappers' real names are very casual and pleasant, such as Curtis, Dwayne, Earl, and Leroy.

Criticisms of rap music often label it as violent, misogynistic, and nonsensical. Others have defended rap music, and have argued that while it is violent and misogynistic, it is not nonsensical. They claim it to be the expression of the oppressed black man. In refutation, it has been argued that Jewish rap is far more pleasant.

Despite being the newest form of poetry, rappers often cite very prominent poets in history as their influences. Rapper Snoop Dogg cites Christopher Marlowe, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, and E.E. Cummings as his primary influences. In addition, his favorite piece of literature is Beowulf, particularly where, "He rips off Grendel's arm n' shit."

Below is an example of rap ("Weezy Baby" by Lil Wayne) with its adjacent translation.

Ebonics Normal English

Brim leaning, cup tilted, blunt flicking
Get money, fuck bitches
Young Weezy, young pimping, she love it
I keep going, she keep cumin, what you know bout it
So bout it...like Master P... but no coward
No I am no Howard the duck duck
Lead showers, black flowers
Black dresses, two hours, closed casket
Ma dough tactics is so crafty
No laughter, I do that after I get the dough bastards

I regularly wear my hat to the side in an awkward manner because it is fashionable and aesthetically appealing. I am so inebriated from the copious amount of alcohol that I have been consuming this evening that I cannot hold properly the cup in my hand which is full of a beverage of a similar intoxicating nature. I am also presently smoking marijuana. I like to acquire money and have sexual relations with women. I regularly sell women for sex though I am surprisingly young. During sex, I am not a premature ejaculator, and the women appreciate that. I am like Master P, though I do not approve of his mannerisms and accomplishments. I am not like Howard the Duck, the comic book character, because he is a fictional. I possess and fire firearms whose projectiles are made of the heavy metal lead. Most of the time this results in a melancholic funeral which is almost always closed casket due to the horrible disfigurement of the individual in the coffin. The way in which I acquire money is quite clever. I frequently do this by mowing down those who have money and claim it for my own, a common method where I grow up.


Poetry takes on an entirely new face when one is under the influence of mind-altering substances. Much rap is of this.

For example:

An evil slug was talking to me after I smoked some weed yesterday and said:

Some times when boys smoke lots of dope

they get all ropable
like a rope
and once a boy
was as brawn as an ape
he smoked some weed
and a girl he did rape

And the next day I peed like I'd had a long night of sex!

weird huh!

Poetry's meaning

Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to understand a poem. It is too difficult. You are likely to hurt yourself. This is not your fault. It is the poet's. Sir Edmund Spenser's epic The Faerie Queene was, contrary to popular belief, not about Queen Elizabeth I, but was in fact a detailed poetic review of his favorite Subway restaurant. Such confusion is the result of poetry's inability to keep it simple.

Some people say that poetry is an embodiment of the finest, most noble thoughts human beings have ever had. These people lie. Poetry is an embodiment of the most ridiculous way to impress a woman. All poetry finds its origin in this motive. Even female poets such as Sappho were doing it to impress the girl in English class.

What is poetry for?

Edgar Allan Po, a well-known American poet and alcoholic.

The poet, obviously! You didn't think it was for your enjoyment, did you?

Here follows a list of common reasons to write poetry:

  1. You're very depressed.
  2. You somehow believe that
carriage returns
are under
used in this society.
  1. You're under the illusion that the rest of the world cares what you think enough to decode your 300 page epic on 'the decomposing of compost in a field' which is in some other world somehow supposed to correspond with something like death or memory or computer science or something at least worth thinking about. Oh God please let it be something that isn't compost decomposing in a field.
  2. You're terminally depressed. See: sticking your head in an oven.
  3. You're under the influence of some type of drug (usually more than one).

See also

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