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So much ambition, so little determination.

Jul 14, 2014 - 19 comments

Okay well this isn't going exactly as planned...

Ii don't know exactly what I want to write in this journal, so I am just going to sort of write whatever.. not like I usually do and plan it and make sure it makes sense. To those who usually read my journals, I hope you do not get annoyed by anything I say/write, and im sorry if we have discussed this before. Now, lets hope this makes sense. Fingers crossed.

Anywho... okay here we go:
Well I have been doing well, mentally, anxiety wise. I have to admit, I am extremely thankful that I am not where I was only a few months ago. Because that was hard and I felt so confused...  but I felt like people cred about me then. I mean, don't get me wrong, im a lot happier... but I have times where it feels like there is something missing. And every now and then I may have a day where  I allow myself to feel the anxiety/negative thoughts (instead of trying to relax), and I remember what  used to feel like every day. I felt more important with anxiety, and although I still have it and may always have it, I am able to cope better with it now... but I don't feel strong or brave in any way anymore, or even proud of myself.
Which leads me to school; I cant help but keep comparing myself to some other girls. The smart ones, the so called "nerds" or "the best in the class". Dammit, why do they have to be so smart. I feel so stupid... and now that I think about it, its not just because of them, its just every student at my school. You see, I know that everyone has potiential. and I sometimes look at those girls around me who I know aren't trying in work, and I imagine how much they could accomplish if they did. And I look at the girls who don't bother to fuss about how smart they are, like I do... they kind of just do it. They don't realise how intelligent they are... that people like me are looking at them and wishing to be like them, wishing they could just get it done without worrying about what level they are at.
Its scary knowing I have around 6 months left until I am through to my final 2 years of secondary school. Was I ever in with a chance in the first place? A chance of doing well and being confident in my education and my ability before I hit the senior years? Maybe I never was meant to be one of those smart girls, maybe I was always someone who had to work extremely hard to just be average. Yep, that has to be now... the average 15 year old girl. Every hope of wanting to be different and special, gone. I wanted the students in my class to look to me... looks like its never going to happen. Goodness how I wish I could just star over, there would be so many things I would change. But I can't, and I am trying a hell of a lot to move on. But lets face it, I wont be making myself proud for a while.
Okay well I am not going to fill this journal up with negativity, because that's what im working on, and I know I am better than that.
But one more thing, I have noticed lately, or for a while, that I keep trying to cling to people. Similar to what happened with the teachers (only some people on here will know what I am talking about). But its like I only cling to them because they care about me and I want to open up to them. Is this just a stupid fantasy? I should just forget the world and focus on me... because I am seriously sick of fighting these emotions when it comes to people I care about. They don't care about me as much as I care for them. I don't understand wh I cant just be happy with the family I have, and the friends I have.

Wow, well if I were well focused on school, then this journal would probably never have been written... I should, but im getting into that "it's too late" mindset now. What if it is? What if I blew it? And the only way to get through it, is to do really bad on my year 11 and 12 exams, and then be ashamed of it the rest of my life.
I want to be the way I used to be. Working too hard, anxiety and all. i'll take it, if it just means im doing something with my life. At least I was determined back then...

Post a Comment
by mishymoshymarcy, Jul 14, 2014
Wow that was long... sorry. :/

by Nighthawk61, Jul 16, 2014
There's nothing wrong with wanting to make more friends, it's quite natural, so don't feel bad about wanting to know more people. It doesn't mean that you don't like/love the friends that you've got. I think it's more healthy to want to get to know more people than the opposite. It sounds to me like you got a sense that your attention was not all together wanted, maybe, and that's where you're struggling. There are different types of people, some want to expand their circle of friends, and some do not. So you'll get a positive response from those who do, and a dull response from those who don't. That's what taking chances and being a risk taker will get you. Some would not take the chance of meeting new friends, because of them feeling rejected by a few, and some will say Full Steam Ahead. that it is worth being rejected, if it allows you to expand your circle of friends. And I think that's one of the cross roads you're at. I say "Damn the Torpedoes and Full Steam Ahead"

It also sounds like you are struggling with the fact that you have to work hard to be average. And that angers you. It angers you that you have to work hard just to get by. and wish it was different. It is what it is Marcy. If it is hard for you to excel without putting out alot of hard work, then you'll have to learn to get used to that, with grace.

Living with grace , with peace, and acceptance is something that most people have to work on. You'd never know that a graceful grateful person has to work on themselves, you only see the end result. It may look easy, but it is not. A person must identify when they feel awkward, and plan on how to make a change to living in grace and in peace. For me, I have learned to live gracefully, with acceptance through gratitude. Being grateful for the things I have, and not the things that I lack. Learning to love the things that I have, and not yearn for the things I don't.

I'm 53 now, and the last ten years has taken a toll. I look much older than I did 10 years ago. I naturally feel regret, or somewhat awkward, until I remind myself that I have so much to be grateful for. The love of my spouse, his unconditional love. I know that he loves me for what is inside. He reminds me not to be vain. That we all are aging, albeit some more gracefully than others. The big picture is that aging happens to everyone. and everyone feels a certain amount of shock or even revulsion when they look in the mirror and start to recognize themselves as their older selves. In order to move into grace, I must first accept that there's only so much i can do to change the older person looking at me from the other side of that mirror. and there's not much you can do but ACCEPT the fact that progress is NOT going to come easy to you. You are going to have to fight for every bit of success that you get. It doesn't make you feel better comparing yourself to what you think is another's person's experience. (IF indeed there are those that everything comes easy to). And since there is no point in the comparison, and it makes you feel sad, and bad about yourself, why continue to do so? If you know this, but continue to do so, then it might be time for you to ask your mom if she has insurance for you to speak to a personal therapist. Honestly, I think that would be the best thing that you could do for yourself. You're right, the last two years of secondary school will require a lot of your attention, and if you can somehow get to a therapist to help you along the way, WHY NOT? What have you got to lose?

by mishymoshymarcy, Jul 16, 2014
Hi Liz, its been a while. :)

Yes i understand. But why would i have to go into therapy for that though? It seems so silly and little, i mean i would just be bothering them. I'm seeing my school counsellor next week sometime, and i havent seen her for a while since we just got back from holidays (which were 2 weeks). Does it seem like im letting my mind wonder, and im not focusing my attention on things that aren't so important. To be honest, I can just imagine myself going crazy next year. i AM SO SCARED, and not to mention i feel so embarrassed with myself. I wish i could start over Liz, i really do. Because i know what i would change as soon as i got the chance. And i have had several chances, but i was too stupid to take them.
I do not mean that i am going to give up on school, or doing work. I am going to keep trying. But this is what goes through my head almost every day. Its like what i look for in school is that one person who will listen to me no matter how stupid my worries are. That person who can sit with me and tell me that i can do it. And that in the end it will turn out alright. Just someone who will care for me as i do for them. Maybe im expecting to much? I think i may be.... Anyway, I know this sounds silly Liz, and im sorry. I'm going to try and ignore these feelings and thoughts, because i know i can get carried away with letting them consume my mind. School has to be my main focus, everything else comes after. I am going to have to work so hard, but hopefully it will be worth it in the end.
Maybe im just not trying hard enough. I can do better, i will do better.

"Unless you puke, faint or die... KEEP GOING."

I have to push on through. I will not stop til i can finally be proud.. and actually even then i wont STOP, but much rather take a much rewarded break, and keep going. I hope i can keep the positive thoughts.
Thank you Liz.. xoxox.

by Nighthawk61, Jul 17, 2014
Goodness how I wish I could just star over, there would be so many things I would change...

This is an interesting statement.

With every new day, we are in fact starting over, aren't we?

Can you say exactly what you would do over?

by Nighthawk61, Jul 17, 2014
that you cannot do over at the start of every new day?

by Nighthawk61, Jul 17, 2014
Your mind is wandering and confused for sure. If it were me, and i had your thoughts, i would ask to go to a therapist and maybe get some real help before my senior years in high school. If you don't do it now, it would be too little too late down the road maybe. I would definitely ask for help..


Can you be more specific about what person you are clinging to? Are you sure they "care" about you? or is it that you want them to care about you?

You've said they are not your family or friends (in the last sentence) so are these people acquaintances that you are clinging to? Is there one in particular?

Then you say, you should forget the world. So you mean forget talking to anyone unless they want to listen to your problems?

You've also said that if you were focused you wouldn't be writing this journal. and i get that. That you just vented here and didn't put too much thought into every thing you've said. But you've established that you are still clinging onto people perhaps inappropriately, expecting too much. And therein may lie a good part of your problem. What is appropriate expectations (things you can expect) from colleagues (acquaintances at school) or authority (teachers)?

There is alot of confusion on your part about how to interact with people., and a good therapist could help you deal with that. It's important in post secondary school (college) to be able to interact successfully with other students and teachers. Otherwise you will be feeling the same way as you do now, let down and defensive. The sooner you deal with your problems, the better. If you did it now, and addressed it with a reputable therapist, the less you'll have to worry about in college. if you get there. College is where you're supposed to be meeting and maintaining a relationship with your fiance. Not trying to figure out how to act appropriately.
You say it's not that important, but i'm telling you, it is.
If you don't grow up, you'll be left behind, In life and in your relationships.

The great news is that you are better than you were. But i sense that it is hard for you to find joy, because you are confused. And i wish your mother could make life easier for you to understand, but as this is not the case, a replacement mom, in the form of an educated therapist, COULD help you. You don't know if you don't try.
You seem better, but you don't seem really happy about how you are interacting with others.

As i asked, can you tell me who it is that cares about you, but not as much as you do about them , that you are clinging to? and not getting attention from? Spell it out for me.

by mishymoshymarcy, Jul 17, 2014
Well the type of people are usually the teachers. For example, with them i have to tell them of some of the problems i have with work because well they are my teachers. They need to know those things. So then that leads to me wanting to open up to them more (completely forgetting about the whole 'school being a professional place'), and i end up with these weird fantasy type things. Like i always think they are watching me somehow. Like for example, sometimes when i am on the bus, i usually think that they are on that bus too. And i never look back (also because i naturally get nervous when going on a bus anyway), but its like i have this whole other world in my head. Then i end up being disappointed and feeling really bad when they yell at me or something (for talking in class, haha). This is what happens almost every single day. And i purposely walk past them so that they can see me. Its so stupid, and i know that... but i dont know why i want them to care so badly.

by Nighthawk61, Jul 18, 2014

What about what i've said here? does this make any sense to you? The thing is, that you may still be feeling like this moving on, you may feel this way about your boss, and be fired, for being too familiar, or with your professors at college, and again, you'll be let down, because those in authority are there to place restriction on you, not be your friend. i'm just saying Marcy, that nothing changes if nothing changes, Nothing has really changed in this aspect for you. You figure out that no matter how much you want special treatment from your teachers they will not comply, they will call you out when you talk in class. And by the way, if you want teachers to respect you, you must respect them. That is the most fundamental law of having a relationship between adults. So please don't talk in class, wait until after class or you're sending a message that you don't care to be there,at.all.

The reason why i'm suggesting that you talk to a therapist about all of this, is because thinking that other people are watching you, or talking about you when they're not could be part of a personality disorder that can be fixed with therapy or seeing a psychiatrist. and which can progress without therapy. What have you got to lose to ask your mom if she's got insurance.? i'm telling you that this has got to be keeping you from doing your best. You know that talking in class is keeping you from looking your best. So why do it? You care what teachers think about you. Please care enough to stop disrupting the class. It's not really funny. Can you imagine if you were getting up in front of a group of people, and there were a few people that were obviously talking to each other, making noise laughing and disrupting the ability for the others to hear what you had to say? Would that be funny for you? These teachers have kids acting out in every class, it must be frustrating as hell for them. TRY MARCY TO BE PART OF THE SOLUTION INSTEAD OF BEING PART OF THE PROBLEM. for starts.

I would be worried if i was your mother and you told me these obsessions you were having, and i would get you to a good therapist. BECAUSE i would be worried that you were NOT able to keep up in class with these obsessive thoughts and would not be able to  focus enough to make plans for college. That's what most kids that go to college are doing in your grade, they are planning their future. Planning on college, and college boyfriends, and friends and travel to other countries. But you are focusing on teachers that you are going to forget their names , down the road not too far. In the scheme of things your obsessions are harming you in a big way. You need to get serious about school. and learn how to communicate appropriately with teachers, bosses, bankers, whomever. You need to know why you are expecting, or even wanting the type of caring you get from family and friends from strangers. I honestly think you need help and you're not getting any from the school counselor that has helped over the last couple of years, that i can see. You need to go over her head and see someone more specialized. You could have a paranoid condition. There's little value on speculation at this point, from me, you or anyone else. A professional would be able to diagnose and treat any problems.

This isn't what you wanted to hear, i know. I'm just saying, you're mind is not clear, and you need everything you've got to keep up with the cirriculum coming your way this next fall. and going forward. You're right about that. It's going to take all you've got and more

Think about it, do you want to be thinking this way about your first boss, or supervisor, or college professor when it could easily be straightened out for you in a session or two with a psychologist now, before it happens ?.

by brice1967, Jul 20, 2014
Marcy, this is Brice. I've tried 5 different times to respond to this post but it all comes out too long winded.  I'm going to keep this as short as I possibly can.  You tend to put a value on everything.  Relationships for instance.  You've mentioned somewhere above that you want someone to like you as much as you like them....  This is something you have no control over.  We are talking about an additional person being involved and we cannot control other people.  You can't make friendships happen.  It's impossible.  

What you can do is make yourself more marketable.  Speak with a professional about your anxieties.  You'll have to have a healthy spot for them and have armed yourself with the proper tools to deal with them.  Get out more, do more things, stay up on current events, pick up a hobby and discuss those hobbies with people who are interested in the same thing.

Speaking of "marketable", I want to leave you with something I overheard the other day at the hardware store.  Apparently both clerks were relatively new at their positions and they were trying to find out more about the other person.  One girl says, and I quote.... "I know we've only worked together for a few hours but I feel the need to tell you something.  I bring out the worst in people.  I bring out the crazy in people...."  Honestly, I laughed my butt off.  That was probably the worst thing this girl could have said to anyone, especially someone she's known for a few hours.  Who wants to hang out with someone who brings out the worst in people, or the crazy in people?  Not me.... I don't do drama.

by Nighthawk61, Jul 23, 2014
am·bi·tion  [am-bish-uhn]  Show IPA



Marcy, if you were being ambitious you would have good news to report at this point. You realize that you are not trying hard enough. You admit to living in a fantasy world "almost every single day". as well as being disruptive in class.

This is NOT ambitious, unless you're looking to clean toilets or be a fry cook for a living. This type of non focused acting out is getting you nowhere. . If your sessions with the school counselor were netting ANY results, you and we would see them by now. It sounds instead that you are acting like a brat (disrupting class) and the counselors are letting you fall through the cracks, maybe because they don't really like you for acting out in class. Teachers are human too. and as i said, if it were you giving a speech, and others were purposely being rude to you, you wouldn't like them either.

Please don't be confused, Marcy. You are not ambitious. For that to be the case, you would have to have the willingness to strive for it's attainment.

In the beginning when we first talked you said that your gram and mom had a hard time controlling you on the phone with your friends, instead of doing your homework. This is sabotaging you performance, however, you are just about an adult. and it is up to you to be responsible for yourself. It won't be long until you'll be expected to pay your own rent and bills. I am so worried for you. You say that you don't want to "bother" a therapist ? Therapists want to work. You're confused. You say that the things that are happening are silly, and not a big enough deal to get help. I'm telling you that you have no guidance, or you are too stubborn to listen and act on your gram and mom's advice. You are probably wasting your time on the telephone at night still, and acting out in class. Day dreaming about having adult relationships, when you are so far from adult behavior you don't have a chance of acquiring an adult as a friend. On the other hand, if you were respectful, and courteous, adults are capable and willing to consider a young person as a friend. But you are admittedly not that.

I hope you get serious about your life, before it's too late.

What Brice said about Marketability is very important, and you'd be wise to consider it fulling.

I've talked to you before about getting a hobby, watching YouTube self help videos on Delivering A Speech now, before your next assignment where you must make a speech. You "got through" your speech, just "glad to have it over with" instead of setting yourself up for a better speech next time. You refuse to see the importance of self propelled growth.

The test that you wrote, where the teacher said sh must have notes alongside your essay. You said that you have been doing essays for years and years, and never attached your "work" (your REQUIRED NOTEPAGE). I would be surprised if you have chosen to follow the class instruction and include a note page for your essay writing to this day. It is required in high school as it is in college. If you refuse to do this work, then you're not college material. If you refuse to follow the cirriculum you will not advance in school..

You don't seem to understand in life you will need to ability (the marketability) to make yourself heard and followed, and that takes practice, but i doubt VERY much, almost 100% sure that you have put NO EFFORT into working on anything but the bare necessities. You've talked about not liking your body, and that is also something that you can work on. It is important to get down you to your best body mass index, It's something that an ambitious person can achieve. If you want to be ambitious, there are very definite things that you can do to change in to that person. But please, don't make the mistake of convincing yourself that you are ambitious before you actually are. You're not fooling anyone else acting out in class, disrupting the class , not doing your homework etc. Make sure you're not fooling yourself.

by mishymoshymarcy, Jul 23, 2014
Liz I understand what you are saying. But please don't get the wrong Idea, I do not disrupt the class. I am not one of those students who doesn't care about learning and doesn't stop talking through the whole class. There have however been a few times ONLY, where the teacher starts talking and I am still talking at the same time. Or I whisper something to one of my friends and the teacher catches me.  I don't disrupt the class, in fact, people who do that annoy me and frustrate me. So I wouldn't dare be one of those myself. I am usually the quiet type, someone who actually listens to the teacher.

by mishymoshymarcy, Jul 23, 2014
I'm sure I have fooled myself a whole heap over the past year, so I don't even know what the truth is anymore...
Maybe I do have the wrong definition of ambitious... I just mean't that I WANT to do so many things, my heart wants it, but the motivation and that thing that is supposed to keep me going isn't there. That's all I mean't. That I have so many desires, but I guess I never believe I can achieve them and reach them. So they sort of just remain a wish...

by Nighthawk61, Jul 23, 2014
I'm only taking license from what you've said yourself. You said this happens almost everyday. The major point that i'm trying to make here is that what you wish for, for the teachers to respect you as much as you respect them, is possible. If you show them the utmost respect, they will in turn respect you, regardless of your age. They will not wish that they see you on a bus, that's over the top to expect. and that's why i think you would benefit hearing it from a professional whether it's possible for you to get help with knowing your boundaries when it comes to people. I get it that you don't think it's important enough to address, and that although you've said it happens everyday, when it's brought back up to you, you deny it. So that's the problem with anyone changing behavior, One must recognize and accept the behavior or thought pattern to have a chance of changing it. It's obvious that it bothers you, but if you are unwilling to talk about it openly, or back track when you do discuss it, there is no way it can change. That is of course, up to you.

Just keep in mind, that ambition is ALL about the willingness to strive for progress.  You say that you are a perfectionist, you want the end result without having to strive for progress.  I believe that is the problem, simply. Wanting to do your best is NOT problematic. Not striving and expecting perfection is the problem you're having as I see it. And if you see that this is your problem, then  IS  help for that. In fact, you can do a whole lot to manage this, if you simply can see the problem, and work at progress and not perfection..

I just wanted you to know that body image, essay writing, speech making, all these things would definitely CHANGE if your goal was to strive for progress. Change your diet, implement an exercise program, watch and practice speech making on you tube, use a note page and follow directions that are given to you (in class and at home when working). That's all. That's it. Stop over thinking everything, stop the denial and excuses. and just do it. You can do this. You just have to start.

If you did start, you would be considered ambitious. Until then it's wishful thinking. I think you might be confusing ambition with potential. What do you think? Potential is "existing in possibility :  capable of development into actuality <potential benefits" In other words, knowing that you could progress. in other words, I am capable, if i tried.

So in the definition of ambitious, striving is part of the equation. IT means you want something, and you are putting the extra work in to achieve it. I think you know that you have the potential to be ambitious, if you put the work in. You're stuck as to when or where to get started. You've mentioned your speech and your essay writing. Two VERY important aspects of high school, college, and the work place.  And there is very basic principles to both of these on You Tube, that you could access. What i'm saying is that you need to become ambitious if you ever want to see yourself progress in these two key areas of your life. You need to be honest with yourself about why you are not accessing this help. When i went to school, there was no internet to help. Kids have a huge amount of help available to them these days,,  and those that win, that progress and excel, you can bet are using them. You need to use them. You have no confidence, because you are not using the tools that you are expected to use. I don't know whether your teachers are suggesting that you use the internet or not, It may just be a given that you do when you are experiencing problems Much like you finding medhelp, and a support system. you need to access whatever you can to help you the areas that you are failing. to progress. There is no need for you to be so messed up about essay writing, or speech making, the next time that you are expected to partake in it. You have the internet, and you have the time to use it. If you need to stop talking to your friends at night, as your gram and mother have already suggested you need to do that. People are only going to make suggestions to you for so long, before they give up. People get to the point of saying, Yes I know there is potential in my daughter, my friend, but you can lead a horse to water, you cannot make them drink. In other words, you need to go back and look at what has been suggested to you. You need to recognize when you are making excuses, And ;you need to realize that you DO have the potential and the only thing stopping you from progress is your inability to be responsible enough to start a project and finish it. Your teachers said it best. She said that if you had a learning disability then they would know it. And that you are expected to put the same amount of work in as every other student that you are in school with. If you DO think that you have a learning disability, you need to find out for sure, and only a professional will be able to document that , and then make your life easier. If you really think that you are not capable of progressing, you need to let others know that. Otherwise, you need to put the right work in. and that means to access the internet (you tube) and follow instructions.

To me, you sounded very stubborn about refusing to add your required note page, when writing an essay. You decided you knew better than the Education system as to what you should be doing, and simply have refused to follow instructions. When the fact remains that it does help to organize an essay on a note page. I've written many essays, and it has helped me immensely. Why not you though? Is it being stubborn? Why is it exactly that you cannot follow directions in school? Or take advantage of you tube for gaining confidence in speaking in public? What do you think it is? Is it that you are incapable or is it that you are stubborn?

You've asked me why I am "not giving up on you". The reason is this. Those persons in authority, your teachers your mother your grama have been stymied, with your excuses and your refusal to put the work in to progress. They are at the point of saying that they cannot make you do the right thing, and they cannot keep telling ;you the same things over and over and only hear your excuses. I'm taking one last effort to try to get you to the point really feeling that if you want to progress, there are tools for you to do so. There is no reason why you need to be a less than average ability to progress into a post secondary level. (college).

Stubborn means steadfastly refusing to change opinions or position. I think that your inability to progress may be about not thinking you are capable, but it is your refusal to try to change this , and use the incredible tools that are available that will be your final downfall. (not going to college). I can tell you one thing though, your refusal to try to progress, parlays into the adults in your life giving up thinking that you have the potential. You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make them drink.

You should be looking at areas to change in your life. See that you had a problem with confidence when making a speech. Watch You tube on how to excel at speech making. Practice a speech that you write, in front of a mirror, for the  weeks and months before being given the task at school.

Practice essay writing instead of talking needlessly to your friends. Skip hanging out at the mall, and take the time to go over the rules of essay writing.

STOP talking in class, so your teachers come to respect you, and are more interested in you.

Make sure that you are responsible for the tasks you are given. at school or at home.

WORK on everything and make no more excuse and YOU WILL SEE YOURSELF PROGRESSING. I promise you that. It is the recipe for progress. Anything else, and you will continue to fail and people will give up on trying to help you. They will start to think that you simply do not have the potential to progress. I pray this will not happen to you, but I think that it already has started to happen.

by Nighthawk61, Jul 23, 2014
Actually, I do believe that adults that respect persons of any age would be happy to see them at any time. If you are happy with yourself, others will want to be around you no matter what your age. I think that's what you want right? If you work to your potential, this can happen for you too.

by Nighthawk61, Jul 23, 2014
I hope to hear you are progressing in school so that you too can enjoy a college degree down the road, (shortly). I hope to hear that you are accessing the internet and practicing making a speech, prior to your being given a speech as homework. I  hope that you practice essay writing, so that you can feel good about taking a test on the subject. I hope that you care enough about yourself, and realize that you are capable of changing poor eating habits, so that you can enjoy your best body mass index. " There is no free lunch " is an old saying. here ain't no such thing as a free lunch" (alternatively, "There's no such thing as a free lunch" or other variants) is a popular adage communicating the idea that it is impossible to get something for nothing. and it means "  Another good one, is "If you don't work, you don't eat."

Honey, you need to put in the extra cirricular work , that i've mentioned, that you can do. in order to profress through high school and on to college. No guff. I pray you will.

by mishymoshymarcy, Jul 24, 2014
Sorry, I meant that the part where I think people are watching me happens every day, not me getting in trouble for talking.

by mishymoshymarcy, Jul 24, 2014
Also, I always respect the teachers Liz, I can promise you that. I would feel terrible if I did or said  something that was the opposite of respecting them. I would think about it for weeks after, and I would probably cry every night just because I made them feel that way. Please, I am not that person Liz. I have so much empathy for everyone. Even if its just something little. I do my absolute best to stop anyone from feeling embarrassed for example. And even if they don't feel anything towards a situation, its like I feel it for them. And I feel bad inside because I don't want them to feel that way. So if that made any sense at all, just know that I respect the teachers as if they were a Queen or King. It would hurt me (and them)  too much to treat them any other way.

Alright. Thanks Liz. I'll put in the extra work. Let hope I don't push myself too hard, but ill see how I go. I will stay positive.

by Nighthawk61, Jul 26, 2014
I am very glad to hear that you do show respect to the teachers. Don't go overboard. Teachers, cops, whomever, are just ordinary people. Giving super powers to people feeds your obsession of them. They are god's creations, as you are. Nothing more, nothing less. They are your equals Marcy. They were just like you at your age. They struggled as all teens do. They over dramatized in some instances, but mainly they stayed focused on their goals, a post secondary education, and that's where you should be headed yourself. If you respect them, their position. Try wanting to be in their position. and never have to ask yourself for motivation to do the work again. Just look at the respectful position they are in, and know that it took hard CONSISTENT ORGANIZATIONAL AND TIME MANAGEMENT SKILLS TO GET THERE.

And once you adopt a consistent plan of action you will be able to watch some you tube videos on speech making, you will be able to read up and follow the directions of a good essay.

Also with the essay writing. Look at the rules, print out the rules for an essay, and leave it on a desk where you see it and reach it every day. A simple few rules. That's all it is. Practice by picking a subject, and taking an hour to set up the note page, and ideas for the 4 or 5 paragraphs. That's it. That's all you need to do to be prepared for the next time you are tested. Pretty small price to pay for confidence during a test.

You've said before , don't believe me when I say i'm going to do something,. What that means is that you will people please, and say yeah i'll do that, when in fact, you may never consider doing it. I'm not giving you heck here, i'm telling you that we know each other really well these last couple of years. Please don't tell me  that you're going to do it,, just know that this is the advice that's been given by someone who knows. A student , A mother. Just telling you what your mom should be  insisting that you do.

IF YOU'RE SMART You'll take the advice and put it into action. If you do, you'll be looking forward to speeches and essays, to show off how far you've come by studying them. If not, you'll be frozen, with fear the next time a speech or essay comes up.

So, don't tell me what you think i want to hear, that's NOT why we're having this conversation,

just ask yourself, what do you think one of your respected teachers did when they were your age,? Were they ambitious, and did they use the internet (if they are young enough), and research and practice making a speech.? Did they write the rules of essay writing out in the open, and prepare themselves for writing essays, especially if the last marks reflected that they could have done better? OR, you can be a unprepared, uninspired unwilling unruly.unemployed under get the idea? Make the time Marcy. NOT after 8pm. You should be doing your homework when you get home from school. It is your job. It cannot cut into the last few hours before bed. That is not wise. It is not a punishment, You have a job, between 4pm and 8pm to prepare for school. That's all. Many kids must work part time at your age. Thankfully, your mom doesn't require that you do too. Don't Pi$$s away the time that you would have had to spend working to help your mom, down the toilet Show your gratitude and respect by using your time wisely, and ORGANIZE your homework between the hours of 4pm - 8pm. You've said before , your homework got done earlier than expected. That's when  an ambitious person would work on other areas in order to excel during tests.


I know from talking to you that you were leaving your homework until after dinner. and working far into the night. If you do not organize your time more wisely, you will not be able to excel. Period. There is NO NEED for you to be working past 8pm or 9pm. You should be in bed at 10 pm at the latest. You should be working in an organized fashion from 4-8 pm. That's all there is to it. If you refuse, like you have with your teachers suggesting of working at the dining room table, DO NOT EXPECT TO SUCCEED and you cannot call yourself ambitious. If you get to your homework from the moment you get home til 8 or so (including youtube and practicing a speech, reading up on essays). then you can call yourself ambitious. Simple as that.

Ii'm not going to harp on this anymore Marcy.We've discussed this before. and i brought it up once more, so that you understand that I know you have the tools. I don't buy that you need to work at night close to the time you should be in bed. I don't buy it because i've been a student once, and a mother. I know better. If you went home after school. ate a sugar free snack, and worked diligently, you would be able to close the books,, relax in a hot bath, do some yoga stretching and and get to bed at a good hour so that you are strong enough to consistently follow this schedule.

It is up to you, if you want to be considered ambitious or not. What you do each and every day going forward is going to determine if you are going to wait tables, or manage and then own the restaurant. What you do today will determine whether you will be watching other peoples kids for a living, or having your own family. What you do today, will determine whether you will rent or own your own home. Never think that these days of yours in your 17th year do not matter. Every single day that you do the right thing is adding up points in this lottery of life. and will determine the outcome of all your days. You need to get pragmatic about your life, and run it like a business, a finely tuned and oiled engine. Your body your mind your soul require that you are responsible accountable for your time being spent wisely. I doubt that anyone else is going to tell you what i have in this last paragraph. Use this advice wisely. If this makes sense to you, you must use this advice to the max. Don't let yourself down Marcy.

You are aware of what's going on in the world, small children having no opportunity to go to school. Don't take what they want so badly for granted. Be old enough and wise enough to be grateful for your big chance in life, and don't continue to blow time that should be used more wisely. I've said enough on the subject Marcy. I've stressed to you the important of you being honest with you, about when you do your homework and for how long. It's up to you whether you take heed.

Onward and Upward.xoxoxo

by brice1967, Jul 29, 2014
I'd like to take a few minutes of your time to point something out that you may or may not be aware of.  Actually, you are probably aware of it because its been mentioned a few times.  Maybe if I come at it from another angle you can better understand this from people looking in from the outside.

Through life's trials and tribulations and the events of every day life, one's character comes into play.  Not only character, but integrity and honor as well and these are aspects of ones self that sometimes get neglected for one reason or another.

Your character is what you will be judged upon through the course of your life.  Honor and integrity plus a few other things/traits make up ones character.  Yeah, its easy to say  "its not fair to judge" but judging is a regular aspect of every day life.  There is a thing called "character assassination", and I am sure you've heard of it.  Politicians base whole campaigns on trying to assassinate their opponents character.  These politicians will speak of their opponents lies, short comings, and anything else that will make them look less human and make themselves seem like knights in shining armor.

What's real bad is when these politicians or people in general assassinate their own character.  They do it by making promises they can't keep.  (That kind of makes them a liar, right?)  They lie.  They won't take responsibility for the things they've done and offer excuses to try to get their name off of lists...  it's pitiful, and these people do it all of the time!  Anyhow, in real life you and I owe it to ourselves to be honorable.  And we get that by telling the truth.  We owe it to ourselves to have integrity and meet every obligation we set out to meet.  IF we can't do that, we become known as "less honorable".

Your employers will check personal references and prior professional references  when you are applying for a job.  They are going to ask your friends and previous employers, "What kind of a person is Marcy?"  "Does she follow through and get things done?"  "Is she punctual?'  Through the interview process, an employer will cross reference all of this by asking you the same questions but in a bit of a different manner.  Nonetheless, the answers are expected to be similar.  Now, if you say you are one hell of a gal and your former employer says you're not... that doesn't look so good.  If you're asked "do you get things done?" and you say that you always finish every task and never get anything wrong, but your friend says that she's never seen you finish anything... that's going to be a problem.  If this same person asks, "Is Marcy punctual?' and your friend and a previous employer says you're late often?  That would be strike 3 here in America.

In my opinion Marcy, at the end of the day, all we have is our character.  Our word MUST mean something!  If the worst thing a previous employer can say about you is, "Perhaps we were not a good fit", you're headed in the right direction.  If that same employer says, "that person cost me business, was lousy at their job, constantly late, didn't finish anything and didn't get along with people..." the person conducting this interview is real likely to forget you ever showed up.

An excuse is a way to hide.  Successful people don't hide.  They take responsibility.  Successful people own everything they do, even if they screw it up.  Successful people follow through.  They don't make a habit out of making promises they don't intend to keep... because it makes them look bad and damages their reputation.

So many of the habits you learn now will be habits you either take with you through life or you have to battle them at some point.  

You can work on this.

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