Dear John letter

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Monday, December 29, 2014

Dear Ex-Friend with Benefits,

By the time you read this, I'll be the first triple MILLION winner EVER in the NATIONAL LOTTERY!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but your feelings are inherently less valuable than mine.

I know this might seem like an unexpected departure to you, seeing as we made all those plans to spend at least more than two hours together, but I just don't see things working out that way.

I'm sorry about this — or at least that's what you're supposed to say in these situations. I just need more men, on some kind of rotating schedule.

I want to tell you that I think you're ...more than passable, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You're a pederast, and I'm into streaking. You like bungee jumping from church steeples, peeling watermelons, and watching animal porn, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date other people. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever I finally track you down and kill you.

I'd really like us to become jaded, cynical and bitter in our own different ways, if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, at least during those many hours of drug and alcohol induced unconsciousness.

Take care of yourself and never forget you are now statistically 50% less likely to ever find a lasting and fulfilling relationship during your lifetime.

~ The Samaritans.

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