Tuesday, March 17, 2009


I've recently sent my Mr. Ex a proposal to settle our financial affairs before our attorney costs whittle our bank accounts down to the bone. I have a sick feeling when I think of what we are spending to leave one another in this time when so many people are struggling to keep their homes. Divorce and the dragging out of our financial affairs feels like a sordid addiction or a luxury so extravagantly unnecessary that even the desire for it dirties us.  
But he hasn't responded to my email and today when I worked up the nerve to call him and ask him about some things I needed to know in order to file my taxes, I took a deep breath and said, "Oh--did you get my email?"  
"I'm chewing on it," he said.  Chewing.  A rivulet of vomit worked its way up my throat.  The image of some rapacious monster devouring a village, Marie Antoinette and her cake, greedy bankers and fund managers and people reduced to beggars, people who need really need basic things just to stay alive plopped from my mind right into the pit of my stomach. What I am involved in with this man I once loved makes me sick.  
Chewing.  I can't stop thinking about it.  The animal caught in a trap gnawing off  its leg.  The cow with its chambered stomach senseless in  its pasture.  
I think I use this blog to pray.  Cyberspace, for me, conjures an image similar to  heaven. Clouds streaked with the energy  of people's prayers as they rise from earth seeking fulfillment.
Please.  I feel dirty and greedy and I want to be clean.


Elizabeth said...

This is terrific. And makes me sick. In the right way. I feel it. Go brush your teeth and drink some wheat grass.

Jules said...

Ditto. This is a really good, rare insight. What does it take for us to "get it" as a species? And more to the point you make, what does it take for us to get it on an individual level. How much closer to home does it have to be? I'm so impressed with your ability to cut through the bullshit and get right to the bottom line. And grateful to have you in my life.