• Tag Archives depression
  • It’s all about the BPD baby…






    • overwhelming feelings of distress, anxiety, worthlessness or anger
    • difficulty maintaining stable and close relationships
    • sometimes having periods of loss of contact with reality
    • in some cases, threats of harm to others












    In fact, the NICE guidelines for BPD include:







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  • The Black Dog Cometh

    The black dog cometh, stalking me in the night

    Ears pricked, nose keen, following the trail,

    His paws pad the floor softly, keeping me in sight

    He follows close, never leaving, he will never fail


    Crouched in shadows, bearing teeth, eyes flash,

    He strikes silently, he doesn’t announce

    His arrival, until he envelopes me, jaws gnash

    He has me in his grip, darkness washes over me

    I am engulfed, can’t fight it; no longer see light.

    Despair begins to drown me, like a riptide at sea…

    The black dog cometh, stalking me in the night.

  • I should be dead…
























  • Journey



    The trees were tall and plentiful. The canopy was dense, the top of each tree entwined with its neighbour, trapping the sunlight, not allowing it to penetrate through to the floor. The bushes and other flora on the forest floor were brown, dry, dead. The lack of sunlight had prevented photosynthesis, and the thick roots of the trees starved them of water. The dead tendrils had knitted together with dead branches, creating a web of thorns which bit at his legs. The man knew that he had to keep on walking. He winced as each thorn pierced his skin, his back jarred as he tripped on the tangled carpet of twigs and vines, but he continued on his path.


    The man finally came to the edge of the forest and entered a swamp. The stagnant water was waist height and green with algae. The canopy was sparse in the swamp, and a flood of brilliant sunshine beat down upon the man. It was warm, but that horrible sticky warm you only get in highly humid air. The man kept on walking, his feet sinking into the mud at the bottom of the swamp, his movements creating a vacuum pressure which increased the amount of effort it took for him to move. The man shared the swamp with alligators and snakes, each one he saw was seemingly bigger than the last. When he was nearing the bank of the swamp, a particularly large alligator started swimming towards him, opening its cavernous jaws. The man sped up, fighting with the mud for his ability to run. He shouldn’t have made it to the bank, the alligator outmatched him in both speed and strength, yet the man’s steadfast determination to reach his unknown destination helped him outrun the alligator against all odds.


    The bank of the swamp led to a lush, green plain which was covered in the most beautiful wild-flowers. It was like a carpet of greens and purples and gold, both visually and by the way it felt underfoot. The sun was still shining, and there was little cloud cover so as the man walked across the plain, his saturated clothes began to dry. The plain, by its very nature, was flat and easy to navigate. The warmth from the sun was pleasant, there were no obstacles in the man’s way; the journey was finally straightforward. Yet the man’s heart was still heavy. He recognised that he was walking a path that many would love to travel upon, however he had no one to share the beauty of this place with, you can’t revel in anything with a heavy heart, and so the man kept on walking, knowing he hadn’t yet reached his destination.


    He reached the end of the plain and was faced with a mountain. It was so high, the summit was hidden behind a thick blanket of cloud. The man started to climb; hand, over foot, over hand, over foot. His legs ached and his arms were tired, still he kept on climbing. There were very few footholds, and the man was negotiating a route which skirted a precipitous drop. The man had climbed so high he entered the cloud. The air was cold, damp and thick. The water droplets soaked through his clothes and chilled him to his core, he was physically and mentally exhausted but continued on his journey. As he neared the peak, the man reached for a large boulder as a means of hauling himself to the top of the mountain. The man grabbed onto the boulder, shifted his weight in order to find higher footholds, and the boulder fell. The man was certain he was going to fall to his death, when a hand appeared through the dense cloud cover and grabbed onto him. The hand was small and didn’t look particularly strong, yet it pulled and pulled at the man with all its might. Inch by inch the man was pulled up the precipice until, finally, he was pulled to the safety of the summit.


    When the man realised he was safe, he looked up to see his saviour, the mysterious owner of the hand. He smiled when he saw her face, and knew he had reached his destination.

  • 2014 – The Summary

    How much can happen in a year?
















  • Depression: Child Friendly?



    The simple answer would simply be: none of them. Who wants to be ill when they have children? However, some chronic illnesses could quite happily fit in with 21st Century parenting values (yes I may be generalising). Diabetes for example: you have to follow a healthy diet, make sure you eat regular homemade meals and ensure your weight stays stable. This is basically forcing you to do what everyone should already be doing. As long as you follow those rules, take any medication you are prescribed, you should be fine.


    I have depression and have done so since I was a teenager. I have had good times, many people with depression do, but it is always there, lurking around the corner, ready to pounce at any time. Quite possibly, the worst “job” in the world to have when you are depressed is being a single parent. I would even go as far to say parent in general, however if you are in partnership with someone, at least you can share the work.


    Depression has a significant number of side effects which are far from child friendly:

    1. You feel tired all the time. Children are full of energy all the time. There is no snooze button on a child and when they are young, you can’t really leave them to their own devices; it’s a constant stream of hyperactivity and demands for attention. Of course, when they are in bed and you get the chance to sleep, this is when your brain wakes up and demands attention for itself in the form of rumination and worry about futures which may never happen, and so the cycle continues.
    2. You have very little patience. Children are annoying: fact. You may absolutely adore children, even other people’s but they are, by nature, self-absorbed and irritating. When you add any additional needs your child may have, such as Asperger’s Syndrome in to the mix, this multiplies tenfold. From talking incessantly about obsessions to still wetting themselves at the age of six; meltdowns to sensory seeking behaviour, ASD symptoms can be frustrating anyway. When combined with depression it can constantly feel like your head is going to explode. You find yourself telling your child to “stop talking” or removing yourself from situations as you can feel your temper reaching breaking point. You shout more often than you would like, and had hoped to do while imagining being a parent (personally, I always dreamed of being one of those serene parents who never shout) and you feel yourself turning into the “bad guy” as, when you are a single parent, you do the majority of the discipline. This all adds to the depressive cycle as you feel like a shit parent and start to believe your children deserve better.
    3. General feeling of apathy. This, unfortunately, can strike at any time and affect any part of your life. You can feel apathetic when your toddler falls over in the street, automatically saying “you’re okay” and telling them to “get up and carry on” rather than actually checking to see if they are okay.
    4. Disinterest in food. People with depression can regularly forget to eat, this in turn means they can fail to buy food on more occasions than they would like to admit. This means the children are not eating as healthy or varied a diet as they should be. This is made worse when you know you’re a good cook and know it doesn’t take much effort (technically) to make a healthy dinner.
    5. Having a tendency to over-think things. This itself causes two types of parenting issue:
      1. Over-thinking what it takes to do something, example: “I should take the children to the park. Child with ASD will be hard work as he doesn’t like the idea of going out, toddler may need to nap and get crabby. What if it rains? I have to get the pushchair out of the boot of the car. One child may run in one direction, one in another, who would I go after? What if the toddler poos? What if the older child needs a poo and there isn’t a toilet? What if one is on the swings and the other on the slide? What if… What if… Maybe we should just stay in.
      2. Over-thinking another person’s words or actions, example: Child says “I hate you!” Parent with depression thinks “He’s right to hate me, I’m a shit parent, the children deserve better, I can’t cope with them, they’d be better off with their non-depressed parent.”
    6. Self-harm. This is something I struggle with; I and other people with depression, including parents, will have urges to do this frequently. I managed to stop for a while because my older child noticed the marks and they’d be harder to hide in the summer, unfortunately I have recently relapsed and have started cutting myself again. No child should be a witness to that, however it’s not something people do on a whim, for attention. It is a true side effect of depression, which brings me to the last point…
    7. Suicide. This is the least child friendly side effect of them all. As much as people with depression, myself included, often feel their loved ones, which includes their children, would be better off without them, the overwhelming number of people with these thoughts and feelings still have a small voice telling them that a parent, even them as a depressed parent, is something a child needs. A child’s life would ultimately be made so much worse if their parent killed themselves. I just hope that my little voice, and everyone else’s sticks around and starts to drown out the other one which says that you’re worthless, that the world would be better off without you.

  • Explaining Depression to Children


    I have depression with (currently well managed) health anxieties. Due to my health anxieties I have developed emetophobia to go alongside my arachnophobia and aviophobia. While I try very hard to keep my phobias hidden from my children, I am unable to completely hide, nor would I want to completely hide, my depression from them. I am a Time to Change Wales Champion and as such, I have pledged to do what I can to end the stigma of mental health conditions. This, in my opinion, means educating my children in an age appropriate manner as to why mummy and some of her friends are sadder than other people.

    Using the word sad I know doesn’t cut it with depression, however as I said, I need to make my explanations age appropriate. My eldest son (Matty) is 6 years old, my youngest (Aaron) is 2. I am also very aware that as Matty has Asperger’s Syndrome, he is at higher risk of developing a comorbid mental health condition such as depression. It is therefore even more important that I don’t hide this from him, that he understands that it’s okay and pretty “normal” to have a mental health condition.

    I know there will be people who disagree with me being open with them regarding this, who think that children should be protected and sheltered from the “bad things” in life. The problem with that is it further stigmatises mental health conditions. If I had to take tablets every morning for diabetes rather than depression, would the naysayers hold the same opinion? I also have coeliac disease, nobody bats an eyelid if I explain to my children that mummy can’t eat gluten because it makes her tummy poorly.

    The fact that I provide my children with explanations for things rather than adopting the frankly unhelpful but more usual “because I say so” is fairly alien to many people anyway. It’s also imperative that I do as Matty needs to know why things are, how things are and when things will be. If he doesn’t know these things or if I’m too vague, he either panics (as shown in behaviours such as repetitive questioning and chewing inedible objects); has a meltdown or completely shuts off from what you are saying. This method of approaching daily life, together with not hiding depression came together beautifully this afternoon.

    I was due to go to a friend’s house for a coffee and a catch up. She, like many others, suffers from depression. When I messaged her to see if it was still okay to come over her response was that while she technically wanted company, she just couldn’t face seeing anyone. This is both completely fair and reasonable and also very relatable.

    When I told Matty that our plans had changed, initially I just said that my friend doesn’t feel very well. This was too vague and he needed to know why she wasn’t well and also why that meant our plans had changed. My explanation was simple, Matty’s understanding complete:

    Me: You know how mummy gets really sad sometimes and has something called depression?

    Matty: Yes

    Me: Well, mummy’s friend also has depression and today she is feeling very sad and would rather be by herself.

    Matty: Like daddy gets sad?

    Me: Not quite. Daddy does get sad but he doesn’t have depression, just like you get sad but don’t have depression. Mummy and some of her friends get sadder than that and sometimes find things that are normally easy really hard. This is why mummy’s friend wants to be on her own today and is why mummy gets very tired and sometimes doesn’t wash the dishes as much as she should.

    Matty: Oh, okay. <He gets on with his day>

    In my opinion there is nothing inappropriate in that conversation, nor is there anything which could scare or worry Matty. He has accepted the change in plans, has learned a little about depression and knows that it happens to quite a few people he knows. However I am just one person. If more parents adopted this approach, if depression was talked about in schools in the same way bullying, sexual transmitted infections and eating disorders are, perhaps the next generation will have completely stamped out mental health stigma. While I realise that’s an idealist’s dream, I can’t see how it would do anything other than help.

  • Conveyance of emotion through song



    Samuel Barber’s Adagio for Strings is an example of a classical track which electrifies my senses. I get shivers down my spine and I feel like I’m transported to another dimension, where raw emotions are highlighted and time stands still. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1dPDO3Tfab0









    A Drowning by How to Destroy Angels: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k_GqVFa5GBA



    How Long by How to Destroy Angels: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1sUTVT7HzSg



    The third song, keeping it Trent Reznor, is Hurt by Nine Inch Nails: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=htmKZKR7oyc







    There are, of course, the good days where I feel more positive, where I feel proud of the progress I’ve made and how independent I have become in a short space of time. My favourite song to sum this up is Make Yourself by Incubus: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BShyYZQEmBk






    The above is a scientifically accurate answer to the question: what is a human? It isn’t, however, the answer to what we really want to know. The real question is, why do humans spend so much of their time trying to destroy other humans?

    Throughout history, there hasn’t been a period of time during which humans have not been at war with other humans. There are currently around 11 wars in progress in which there are over 1000 deaths per year together with a further 33 conflicts in which there has been a death toll of at least 25 with one of those deaths being within the past year (source)

    There seems to be four main causes of war: Religion; Territory; Oppression and Self Defence. Take any one of these reasons, add in some cleverly crafted propaganda and biased news reports and you have it, war.

    Even if you move away from the extremes of war, you find conflict almost everywhere you look. Someone is always annoyed about something; person X did something to person Y and now they’re not talking; people cannot learn to “agree to disagree”. There are even people who seem to thrive so wholly on conflict, if there isn’t any drama in their lives they will create it. It is this conflict we each have an ability to change.

    Children learn about many things in school, algebra, statistics, how to read a book in such minute detail it’s no longer enjoyable and other such skills which, unless you want to be in a particular job such as an astrophysicist, don’t really have any application in the “real world”. I think a better society would be created if children were taught the importance of communication; humility; tolerance; compassion. Instead of being taught how to debate, teach conflict resolution. Although children do work things out for themselves eventually, a vast proportion of adults still deal with conflict like children. They take the easy option, more often than not delivering bad news or unkind words via text message or via social media rather than talking with the person face to face. People bitch seemingly ALL THE TIME about someone or something but have no intention of actually doing anything about it. If the foundations of how to properly deal with this were taught at a young age, most conflicts could get resolved in a relatively peaceful manner.

    I am sure everyone can think of at least one example of a conflict in their lives which, instead of being resolved, has spiralled out of control and has reached the point of no return. Although lives are not lost in the same sense as they are during war, lives can be, albeit temporarily, destroyed. Unresolved conflict leads to thinking, which leads to rumination: an open door to depression. Rumination is something I am currently guilty of. I have lost a lot of friends and some family members recently due to people being unwilling to discuss or attempt to resolve conflict. It seems they would rather ignore what has happened, pretend I never existed and completely sever contact. Whist I appreciate that a face to face discussion may not “fix” the issues, at least I would know that we had tried. That everyone knew exactly why things are the way they are and everyone had an opportunity to explain their “side” of the story. Instead, I am ruminating, having these imaginary conversations in my head, trying to make sense of what has happened and never getting the answers. It becomes easy to wholly blame myself even though I know rationally that isn’t the case and the downward spiral resumes.

    I may just be dreaming up an ideal world, but I feel that if we as a species learned how to deal with our personal conflicts rationally rather than resorting to childish ways, this would branch out into other areas. If tolerance was taught from a young age, the differences in humanity would be accepted more readily and in turn there would, hopefully, be fewer wars.