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65 jokes that will make you smile

Author: HCF Management

September 19, 2017

65 jokes that will make you smile.

  2. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
  6. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
  12. Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.
  13. Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.
  14. Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!
  15. My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no idea where he is.
  16. I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
  17. Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.
  19. Have you ever started to eat a horse and then realized that you weren’t that hungry after all?
  20. Two cows are standing in a field and one cow says to the other: “What do you think about that mad cow disease?”, the other cow responds: “What do I care “I’m a helicopter”
  21. Did you hear about the guy who froze himself to absolute zero? He’s 0K now!
  22. A man with two left feet walks into a shoe store and asks to buy some flip-flips.
  28. When in doubt, mumble.
  29. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
  31. Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s hardly ever for them.
  32. Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
  36. I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone.
  37. A farmer counted 196 cows in  the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200.
  38. My biggest problem with time travel is: How many days would you pack for?
  39. Right now, I’m at work, using the Internet. But in my mind, I’m already at home, using the Internet.
  40. In Heaven, you get back all the Chapsticks you lost.
  41. A penny saved is a penny that will sit around in a jar for five years.
  46. I ate a gluten-free, lactose-free, low-carb pizza for dinner tonight. It was a raw tomato.
  47. I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism.
  48. Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.
  49. I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s 7 years in a row now.
  53. I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
  54. A Mexican magician tells his audience, “I will disappear on the count of three.” He counts down.. “Uno… dos…” And then he disappears, without a tres.
  55. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
  56. I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but, by the end, I liked it.
  57. What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic? Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.
  58. Why don’t seagulls fly in the bay? Because then they’d be bagels.
  59. Two goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says, “You know how to drive this thing?!”
  60. Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors? If it had 4 doors, it’d be a chicken sedan.
  61. I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was, and then it dawned on me.
  62. Why is milk so fast? Because it’s pasteurized before you’ve seen it.
  63. They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian, well they ain’t laughing now.
  64. I once shot a lion in my pajamas. What he was doing in my pajamas I’ll never know.
  65. Why should you always wear two pairs of pants when golfing? In case you get a hole in one.