the whip

Freshers certain they’ll be friends for life after realising common interest in ‘eating food’ and ‘breathing air’

Two newly acquainted Leeds freshernwere thrilled to find each other over beers on the first night of uni after realising they shared common interests in the most fundamental of human needs.

The two nutrient consumers were yet to meet anyone they felt they could truly connect with during the first 45 minutes of freshers, so we can only imagine their relief at discovering a kindred spirit to spend the year with.

“I just can’t believe I’ve met someone that not only loves eating, but is also a massive O2-head. I’ve met so many try-hards so far and all of them have obviously only been consuming a diet and respiring since they started at uni, whilst pretending they’ve been into it for years” explained Kieran McCarthy, 18, from Peterborough.

“It’s such a relief to find someone else who’s been inhaling and digesting for more than 18 years – it’s like we’ve been maintaining homeostasis together forever!”

“Agreed, I just wish we were born into the right generation,” Jamie Nottage, 19 of Bath, chimed in, “you see videos on the internet of hardcore breathers in those massive warehouses back in the 90s, all just standing there, drawing in air through their mouths. It makes you think: damn there’s nothing like that nowadays.

“Today’s generation just don’t really get it, all they care about is sleeping and standing, and like Depop or whatever.”

The enamoured duo have already begun planning their future and are aiming to become part of the first wave of Brits to have a crack at a new cult activity known as ‘seeing’.