Vague Job Titles on Dating Apps, Explained


This might mean that he has donated to his friend’s Kickstarter. It could also mean that he’s just thought about donating to a friend’s Kickstarter. Maybe he tipped at an independent coffee shop. Or it’s possible that he is an actual entrepreneur—but more likely, he’s a serial killer who wanted to come up with an impressive job to lure you in.

“Self-Employed at Me”

I guess he’s, like, an actor or something? Or he runs an Etsy shop? One thing is clear: he’s not beholden to anyone. He can be anywhere, anytime; his schedule’s just flexible like that. Perhaps that makes him attentive, but maybe—and you can’t rule this out—maybe it means that he’s going to have extra time for stalking you. Maybe his Etsy shop sells your personal belongings, which he steals while you’re at work. Or crafts he’s made from your hair.


I would like to think that he literally found something—like a nice rock, or a twenty-dollar bill in the pocket of an old shearling jacket. What he’s really trying to say, though, is that he founded a company. But which company, you know? Why doesn’t it say the name of the company? What compelled him to just choose “founder” from the drop-down menu and then not elaborate at all in his bio? His bio only says: “Whiskey. Women. Wizards Basketball.” Suddenly, “founder” seems like the kind of job a kidnapper would say he had, to throw you off the scent.


I think this is supposed to imply “club promoter,” but what does that even mean? The club has to be a front for something, like some sort of weird satanic cult, and this is how he recruits more members. Do not swipe right on this person. Maybe report him to the app? Just in case.


Mama, if he’s under twenty-five and a C.E.O., he’s not the C.E.O. of anything you’ve ever heard of. The only chief execution he’s the officer of is executing people he’s found on dating apps.

“Freelance at Freelance”

Probably just a contract killer—no benefits, no P.T.O., nothing. Honestly, girl, you deserve better.


He’ll clarify that he’s a standup comic, which means he hosts a karaoke night in a dive bar on the third Tuesday of every month. He seems to be free pretty much every other night of the month. Totally open to stalk women he finds on popular dating sites. Lots of calendar availability for hiding a body.

“Serial Killer”

Almost disappointingly, not a serial killer. Definitely a joke. Not that you want him to be a killer, but, like, put your money where your mouth is, you know?



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