Friday, July 11, 2008


God, you are the maker of all creativity, please give me something to say. Speak to my heart and help me to unravel all the yuck that's inside me until I can find my way into a clearing Lord.
I don't want to live like this, I don't want to live and pray, and trust, but only in tiny portions. I want to believe for the incredible, for the sun stopping God that I've read you are, but I haven't met.
I always assume, that if I haven't met a bigger, better part of you that it's because I'm not ready for it. I want to be ready, I want to see more. I'm tired of dreaming and telling people how BIG and awesome you are, when you just don't seem big enough sometimes.

Someone once said that the thing they were most amazed about concerning you, was your ability to hold back. To NOT just 'bam' and make it happen, even though it leaves us screaming and confused. I get that... I really do... but it doesn't stop me from screaming and being confused.

You healed and you healed and you healed. Yet, people around me, no matter how much they pray, never seem to find complete healing. They say they're healed, they've been touched, and then a month later, two months maybe.. the same thing returns. That's not healing, that's a reprieve.

You sent your Holy Spirit, and the fire and power of that Spirit is suppose to be awesome. Someone else recently talked about how Elijah poured the water over the wood before he called down your fire to consume it. That kind of story leaves me hoping that even though we Christians seem dead, and dry, and passionless - that you're still able to fire us up. I want to see that. I really do. I'm sorry for every ounce of mediocrity in me, I don't want it there. I want to be absolute, a ball of fire and passion that is absolutely consumed with adoration for you and your kingdom.
But I just can't get past this great big wad of disappointment. I've said it before, and I'll say it again... I believe you can do anything. I just don't believe you will. And that just rips me up with confusion. Why won't you?

The same old Christian answer is that it's not your fault. It's mine. And while I've certainly failed, and failed, and failed, I don't know what it is you're waiting for from me. And everyone else around me who happens to be praying to you too.

The only other alternative is that you're not doing stuff, just for the sake of not doing stuff - because it's better for us. And I just don't get that transition from biblical times where so many were healed and changed because you apparently thought it was ok, and yet now every single person I know that needs to be healed, or to have their lives changed... it's not ok.

Every option I've come up with, isn't a good one. Doesn't make sense. And they all hurt.
Where are you God? Not just the surface distant stuff we've experienced. Where's the deeper part of you that I need in order to be content with things not making sense to me? Where's the stuff I'm suppose to be holding onto when my prayers are always answered with a no?

Where am I suppose to be in you? cause I can't find it.

Ok, I've said my peace....please let it be your turn now.


Anonymous said...

kat says "meow".
i. on the other hand.( or is it, on the other paw) do not have anything to say tonight.

Anonymous said...

now that it is morning, i guess i will be more polite and say hello.

kat just says, "give me some canned food, now would be good".

Amy said...

Thanks for sharing your journey through the wilderness as God continues to shape you. I'm there too, but I don't think anyone else knows. Keep walking!

flyawaynet said...

Good morning, afternoon, and evening Nancy. I hope you're having a good weekend, and, since I haven't checked your blog yet to know for sure, I hope you've found your words again.

Amy...I'm sorry to imagine that anyone out there feels like me. Feel free to use the anonymity of this blog to vent if you need it. It helps, it really does. Something about the thought that writing takes helps to sort things out. At least, for me, every time I successfully post it feels like progress. It may not be, but maybe it helps sluff some stuff out so I don't hit my overload again.

Larry said...

Just wondering.

Are you happy with what you and are you using what you have to glorify God?

Because I am thinking, if you are not Joy filled, happy, satisified, productive in what you have been blessed with, well I think you can see where I am headed with this.

flyawaynet said...

I honestly don't know how to answer.
If by "what you have" you're talking about stuff then yes, I'm content with it. I'm not sure I use it all to glorify God though, but not sure exactly what I would be changing about that.
If by "what you have" you're talking about spiritual things, then no, I'm not content. And I can't imagine God could ever be glorified by what I'm offering.
There's a long-winded essay that could explain what I'm saying better, but that's the hard bottom line.
Thanks for your words.