Thursday, September 5, 2013

What the Hell is a Sea Hawk?

Today I submitted some work to this lady I'm working for, where I had very limited knowledge of the topic, nor did I really apply myself to providing a good product.  What did I do instead?  I shopped for curtains online....I made adjustments to my fantasy football team....I went back and shopped for more curtains.....I looked at pictures on

Ah yes, a life well lived.

I am excited for Football season to begin, which commences tonight with an AFC Battle Royal as Breached Birth looking Peyton Manning (aka The Forehead) and the Denver Broncos take on a somewhat less criminally insane Baltimore Ravens.  In a match up that would only be better if it included an actual Horse fighting a Bird, it's even better to be able to watch it from the concierge lounge of the Marriott, where the diet sierra mists pour freely like champagne in "da club."

But back to what I just now decided, as I'm typing this, that I wanted to talk about.  Mascot cage matches.  Sure, we have American Football, Lingerie Football, Puppy Football, even SOCCER!, but nobody has had the great idea to pit great football team mascots against each other in a Mad Max like Thunderdome, for a fight to the death.  Hunger Games? Please.  Mascot Massacres (copyright pending) will be the next greatest thing to hit Spike TV.  Just imagine, football season is over, all the players are back to committing murders under the influence (MUIs), and you're sitting around bored waiting for the draft.  What a perfect time to watch your favorite football team's mascot fight to death for the title of supreme champion of still being alive!

I can picture it now...Joe Rogan would host of course.  He'd walk out into the arena, smoke filling the air, grease on his shirt (because he's gross.)  He would announce the first match up of the night, The Somali Pirate (i.e. Buccaneer) vs a priest (i.e. Saint).  Next match up:  A Lion vs a Bear.  Even PETA would wet themselves at the idea of that epic battle of two scary beasts!  Third match up of the night:  Somebody from the Tea Party (i.e. a Patriot) vs a mother effing Giant (i.e. Shaq).  If your brain hadn't exploded yet from sheer awesomeness, you'd get to the last few matchups of the event.  For a change up in the 4th match, you'd have a doubles match, with an Eagle carrying a Dolphin, fighting it out with three 49 year old guys in a jet.  Finally, in a super secret surprise final match up, you'd have an American Indian (i.e. Redskins) vs the Supreme Court, because why the hell are they still called the Redskins!? 

I think this idea has real possibility of jail time traction!  And like all horrible ideas, cable television will definitely pick it up and make millions of dollars.  I mean who wouldn't want to see this:

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