Saturday, March 6, 2010

Live Blogger: Mayor Briefing, 2010.03.03, Part 1

We present, in two parts, for your weekend reading enjoyment, Live Blogger's take on the Mayor's briefing. Please note that this was somewhat funnier, but we invoked the standing Harry Silver rule:

Early technical difficulties.  Now Jacques is here to rock the mic.  He's channeling Chuck Woolery today.  Chuck Woolery without the good looks and the charm.  Now Jacques being Jacques.  I know the value of the rebates, but I can't tell you what it is until I confirm the value which means I have no idea what the value is.  I want Judge Dread to figure it out.  Declaratory judgement.  Jacques is in love with the idea of being in law school.  He makes every issue into like a classroom legal discussion.  Now talking of the voters deciding instead of the judge.  Pros and cons pros and cons pros and cons.  Trying to create a hypnotic trace over the audience.  This is like your moms explaining why you don't get no ice cream after your sorry baseball team lost the game.  Just give me the ice cream!

Jacques says we can establish the numbers.  Jacques will keep repeating that, but he will never tell you what the number is because he doesn't really know.  Calls out Stephen Largen!  Jacques tells us he is better than whatever crappy mayor Ruston has.  Jacques will now read the Ruston newspaper to us!  This is good government in action!  Now he compares a metering error in Ruston to some goofy, unknown percentage he pulled out of the closet.  3.75 million vs. 50.7 million.  Ruston really sucks.
I'm not knocking Ruston, but I really am knocking Ruston.  A website is an electronic medium, BTW.
Jacques, our leader, always coaching us.  Always teaching.  Our rebate floor is 4.4 percent and we could go up to 15 percent!  For the 15th time, Jacques says it is incorrect to assert that we don't know what can be rebated, but he still has no idea and won't tell us.  Jacques has spoken for 12 minutes and said nothing.  He still hasn't told us what the rebate is.  In the meantime, Jack Bauer has killed 3 terrorists. and Drew Brees has scored 2 touchdowns.  Back to rambling Jacques.  Calls out Paul Carty and TT.  Off camera Royite jumps in with some phony good news for new TT owner.  Totally contrived.  Totally BS.

Why is Jacques still talking about Cleco?  Isn't it done?  He will be at a cocktail party 30 years from now trying to convince some unwitting dupe how awesome this deal was.  Meanwhile, DG Hunter will be rusting.  Again with the 10 years for litigation.  Jacques hearing himself make a little sense.  Weaving in and out of consciousness:
We control DG Hunter!  We control our destiny!  The TT is wrong again!  I lied about running the meetings on Channel 4 before the vote, but now I'm going to bitch about people getting involved.
Jacques announces another CURE meeting next Tuesday!  CURE people are Jacques favorite kind of people because he can control them.  He controls their words and thoughts.  They must submit to Jacques.  Jacques saying that he doesn't trust anybody who's been appearing at any council meetings.
I want fresh meat!  I want real people, not the crazies that show up all the time and make my life a living hell!  I want people I can dominate with my genious!  The meeting regulars are troublemakers! I'm going to take this roadshow to the real people.
Now Jacques making the case for why all lawyers should be killed.  They're too expensive.  And now the bloggers.
Blogs!  I hate Blogs.  Jacques Barack is keeping me awake a night!  We will harass Ruston the way Jacques Barack has harassed me.
Jacques looking for help. Looking worse than Simon Cowell stuck at an all-Black Gospel Hour. David, I'm dying here. Help a brotha out. Now we get visual aids!  Jacques breakin' it down in black and white for the simple man. Jacques in his Ronco mode here. The city would have to spend $43 million or more actually in utility transmission upgrade costs. We've avoided $43 million AND got a $8.9 million credit. Isn't that right, David? Ronco, Ronco, Ronco. The $41 million doesn't even include the avoided $43 million and the $8.9 million credit! But wait, there's even more!
We were conservative.  We beat each other up over numerous taxpayer financed meals.
Crutchfield can't leave well enough alone, mentions another $4 million of avoided cost of litigation. OMG. Jacques got another sheet and he's going to show us the deal's value again.  Differently.  For a third time. This man needs an intervention. Does he realize how stupid he looks? What is he talking about 4.4 percent to 15 percent sampling? Making no sense.

Another white sheet! I've just wasted 30 minutes of my life that I will never get back watching a lunatic. Talking, talking, talking. Making no sense. Crazy ramblings. Shuffling through various pages. Scatterbrain.  All that is missing from this used car sales pitch is a loud plaid jacket like Herb's from WKRP.  Jacques now tries a charm offensive by revealing a secret man crush on Paul Carty. Jacques now begging Carty to shove his nose back in its rightful place and Jacques is SO looking forward to that moment.  Does Paul Carty feel like a bitch because Jacques sure is making him sound like one.

The rebate process will be tougher than the litigation!  Is he seroius?  He will have a nervous breakdown if this goes any longer.  (We are going to love watching this pot boil.  The party's just getting started. ) Is this what Jim Jones looked like towards the end?  Is Jacques going to start passing out grape Kool-Aid?  Crutchfield is definitely sipping grape Kool-Aid off camera.  Astonishing.  Jacques getting back to numbers again.  Scatterbrain.  His numbers have grown in the last 10 minutes.  At this rate, he'll be at a billion next hour.  His nose should be growing, too.

(Please see Part 2 later today)