How to Punish a Sub Effectively

Every Dominant/submissive relationship has to have punishments. After all, the “D” in BDSM stands for discipline, and no sub is perfect.  Correction is needed from time to time when they break the rules.  But many Doms struggle with knowing how to punish effectively.  And Subs can feel neglected when it isn’t done in the proper way.  Here are some things to keep in mind for a punishment to be successful:

Dom with BDSM belt

Punishments Need to Have a Reason

The main goal of any punishment is so the sub will learn from it.  The Dom disciplines to discourage unacceptable conduct, and to ensure that the sub fully appreciates their role.  A sub should always know why they are being punished.  In fact, it is good etiquette to say beforehand, “You are being punished because…” or to ask, “Why are you being punished?”  This keeps the focus on the behavior that needs to change. That way the sub doesn’t feel like it’s themselves that the Dom doesn’t like.  Punishments for littles can be for things a real Daddy would punish for: not cleaning their room, spending too much time on their phone, etc.

The Punishment Should Fit the Crime

Failure to comply with any rules should always result in some sort of punsishment. The harshness should be determined by the severity of the misdeed.  For example, if a sub waits 15 minutes to respond to a Dom’s texts, an intense paddling would probably be too much.  For softer punishments my Dom likes to make me remove my panties for the day, or have me wear Ben Wa Balls. (These punishments also work for long distance d/s relationships) On the other hand, if a sub has committed a major offense, corporal punishment will probably be required.  Quite a few times I have made my Dom mad enough to make him spank me so long and hard that I’ve bawled into my pillow.

Don’t Go Too Soft

There is nothing worse than expecting a hard punishment and getting off with “a slap on the wrist”, or worse: no punishment at all.  Some subs perform best when they are disciplined at least daily, others every other day, or even once a week.  Look for patterns.  If a sub seems to stop trying so hard to please their Dom then a good punishment is probably in order.  Again, we are all imperfect human beings and there is always some correction in behavior that can be found.

Many Doms who are new to BDSM may hold back, fearing they are going too far, especially if a sub starts crying.  But that is where trust in the safewords comes in.  If it gets too painful, physically, emotionally, or mentally, a sub has the right to safeword.  One way to gauge how painful a punishmetnt is can be to make the sub count each time they are hit.  My Dom usually will spank me five times, making me count after each one so he can tell in my voice if he is going too hard or soft.  Another idea is to have the sub recite a phrase after each hit, like, “I am Daddy’s little girl.”

Timing is Crucial

Usually a sub knows when they screw up, and they dread the after-effects of displeasing their Dom. If the Dom completely forgets to punish or even puts it off it is less affective.  Sometimes a little bit of time can grow the anticipation and force the sub to mediate on what they did, but generally punishments should happen by the end of the day.  If it’s a long distance d/s relationship, and you want to know how to punish a sub over text, still keep in mind the timing when administering discipline.  Anything later than a day misses the goal of teaching the sub so they will learn to never do it again.  It is like waiting too long after your dog has an accident to rub their nose in it.  Subs need to see that their Doms care enough about the relationship to take the time to discipline them.

BDSM Punishment Ideas

It needs to be emphasized that the subject of discipline should always be discussed beforehand to keep things consensual and safe.  A written contract can list the types of punishments that are acceptable, and the severity that is agreed on.

  • Spanking-  My favorite I love to hate.  Usually done on the bed without clothes on.  Using the Dom’s bare hand has the advantage of keeping the physical connection between both parties.  It also prevents him from doing serious damage because he will have the pain in his hand as a gauge.
  • Paddling-  Administered like a spanking but uses an object like an actual paddle, ruler, hair brush, etc.
  • Whipping-  Belts can do serious damage so this is better when done lightly.
  • Biting-  Usually done during a sexual encounter when a sub displeases the Dom.
  • Delayed orgasm-  Either for a minute or a day, to remind a sub that their Dom has the power over their sexual fullillment.
  • Brazilian wax-  Making a sub get this done will only work if they don’t currently enjoy doing this.

So there you have it: the basics of BDSM punishments. Keep these suggestions in mind and your d/s relationship will continue to evolve and bring greater fullillment.  🖤

What are your thoughts on disciplline?  Share your ideas for punishment in the comments.

Keep reading about how to keep punishments safe »

16 thoughts on “How to Punish a Sub Effectively”


  2. I desperately want my husband to dominant me. I bring it up to him and only get him excited, couple spankings on the tush during sex and its over. How do I ask him for more?

    1. Hi Vanessa! I’m sure it’s really disappointing when you want more but your husband isn’t getting the hint. You may have to sit down with him and have a serious talk about what you want. But what might be the case is that he doesn’t know how to dominate. You’re probably going to have to give him lots of examples, and you can even share my blog with him to give him some ideas. Try to be patient with him, but when he does do things to dominate you, make sure you show him how much you like it.

  3. Hi… I love this blog/Posts… I want my wife to dominant me so bad… But she’s not into it.. She’s barely into sex at all… I don’t know how to get my vanilla/little town/good girl into BDSM… I got her a book once, but it was more about humiliation than punishment.. now I don’t know how to bring it up.. because when u do she gets hurt says ” I’m trying, I’m sorry u can’t please you” then we go backwards… We have several toys/floggers/restraints… But she won’t use them on me… If I beg she does, but it like another comment… She does a couple of flogs and stops because she doesn’t get it… How do I get her to want to do it to me… When she doesn’t like it on her? Thanks

    1. Hi George! I’m sorry to hear that you’re having a frustrating time with your wife. Try to be patient with her. Really listen to her and ask her how she feels. You can also read some tips on how to approach the issue here.

  4. What are some more things to discipline your sub through text because we don’t get to see each other a lot and I’m new to BDSM.

    1. Hi Brody! Congratulations on starting out with BDSM. There are lots of creative ways to discipline your sub through text. I list some additional ways in this article here. I wish you the best on your Dom/sub journey!

  5. I appreciate these articles. i have just started with my first submissive and I am still wanting to learn things. This article was a big help!

  6. I’m having an issue with punishing my sub because she likes and wants the pain. Do you have any ideas on what are effective ways to punish a sub who craves the pain?

    1. That’s a great question, Katrina, and a really common problem. One of the best ways to punish a sub who enjoys pain is to take away privileges. Sometimes my Dom has to take away my laptop or make me go to bed early. You could also refuse to give your sub any attention for a set period of time. It may take some trial and error but it is possible to find an effective way to punish a masochistic sub.

Leave a Reply
