Let’s face it, life is WAY too short to be dealing with these people.

1. The friend who only hangs out with you if you’re dripping with honey: We all have that friend who’s usually nowhere to be found, but the second that golden honey starts gushing from your eyes and other facial orifices, then cascades down your body in sticky-sweet waves, they show up with a little tin pan and get their fill of your yummy emissions. Get lost, mooch!


2. The friend who’s missing the part of their brain that lets them distinguish dogs from bugs: It’s admirable how long you’ve kept that friendship going, but really, how many more times can you comfort her as she weeps over another swatted mosquito? Move on.

3. The friend who always manages to get themselves stuck in a claw machine: It would be nice to go just one place without having to call the fire department, right?

4. The friend who came to your mother’s funeral and made your dad smell their fingers: Yup, chances are you have a friend who’s always doing things like this and clearly putting their own feelings before yours. You don’t need someone like this in your life!


5. The friend who tells people you’re Todd Rundgren’s kid behind your back: Question: What kind of friend would tell people you’re Todd Rundgren’s kid behind your back? Answer: one you should drop from your life ASAP.

6. The friend who has no interest in having sex with you: You’re good-looking and smart and fun. If your friend doesn’t want to fuck you, they’re not seeing you for how special you really are.

7. The friend who is your child: This type of person will try to walk all over you just because you created them. It’s time to tell them goodbye.


8. The friend who’s Spanish: We get it. You’re from Spain. DELETE.