October 28, 2006

Fast Food Gone By

Fast Food Gone By

It's no secret that this blog isn't the most politically correct of blogs. I make fun of the way white people like to jump out of planes for fun, rhapsodize over midget pron and think if you live in a country, any country, you should learn to speak the damn language. So let me just add to the mess by posting up a celebration of fast food menu items that have long been eliminated and forgotten.

1. Taco Bell's "Pocket Taco" - My high school had the distinct privilege of being located directly across the street from a Taco Bell. So at 2:59 p.m. I would grab my backpack and wait by the door. After the bell rang, I would run all the way to Taco Bell, so I could be first in line, order my "Pocket Tacos" and still make it onto the school bus. Then I would sit on the bus, scrunch down into my seat and eat the little pita pockets filled with ground beef, cheese, chili, sour cream, lettuce and tomato goodness. The bus driver would yell at me because eating was prohibited on the bus, but I'd wait until she was on the highway so she couldn't stop the bus and check if I was eating. Which I was.

2. Kentucky Fried Chicken's "Chicken Littles" - There was a Kentucky Fried Chicken down the hill and under the freeway overpass from my house. I used to walk down there as a kid, and spend my hard-earned allowance on Chicken Littles and coleslaw. Back when it was the old recipe coleslaw and not this new-one-that-came-after-a-disastrous -change coleslaw they have now. Which is better than the disastrous one but not as good as the one from waaaay back. The Chicken Littles were a bit bigger than a standard White Castle burger, and only cost 49 cents. They were always slathered in mayo. It was a gift from God. A little bit of heaven, two for a dollar.

3. McDonald's Fried Apple Pies - This is perhaps, the worst casualty of America's war against fast food. The worst casualty, and maybe the most strategic one. They say you don't know what you got until it's gone and "they" are so right. Bowing to pressure from people who lack willpower, McDonald's replaced the most delicious apple pies ever to be created with a baked counterpart that tastes like undercooked apples wrapped in generic pie crust. Those bastards.

4. Jack and the Box's "Toasted Raviolis" - This isn't a complete travesty, because you can still get ones exactly like them at The Olive Garden. But the ones from The Olive Garden cost about 6 dollars more per order. So that sucks. And The Olive Garden doesn't have a drive-through.

5. Numero Uno's "Something Balls" - Okay so I can't exactly remember what they were called and Numero Uno's isn't a fast food chain. Humor me. In high school I used to have these delivered to my job at Cedars Sinai all the time, they were tennis-ball-sized fried balls of dough, doused in oil and sprinkled liberally with grated parmesan. The new ones suck. They were so damn good that if they still existed, I would accept them as a form of currency for any services I render. Also, whenever I ordered them I would ask for "one order of the oily balls." Probably gave the cashier a momentary kick.

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