Knowing and Unknowing



In order to have an open, intimate experience of life we need to connect to people and things.  SO. Think of the world.  What it would look like walking through the world without naming things. Like flowers, trees, birds, etc.  When you name things, you no longer see the majesty and stillness and brilliance because we “know” it. Does that make sense?  Think about it… because we know what it is we usually take it for granted, overlook it, and don’t experience the beauty as if it were something we didn’t know. They still exist whether we name them or not.  If you look at something without saying what it is, you have a different experience.  You have an intimate experience with life.  With existence.

Now think of children…..the INNOCENCE OF CHILDREN. What makes them different that us, is that they know they don’t know.  They marvel and are curious, and are astounded by the beauty of life.  Adults THINK they know.  So we overlook, disconnect, and ultimately isolate from both the world and people.  Which I think is our spiritual side.  And this same thought applies for why we miss spirituality and God in general.

It’s the ego. “I KNOW” that changes your experience with things.

If that is true, then humility is the key to unknowing.


My side of the street 

In the middle of the messiest years of addiction, I truly thought that was my only problem.  The chaos consumed just about all the energy I had, and I was living in a constant state of survival mode.  When I was so hyper focused on my husband and his addiction, I fantasized about how great life would be IF ONLY he were sober.  Surely all my problems would disappear and life would be perfect.  

Well I’m here to let you in on a secret.  That thinking was inaccurate on so many levels.  First on my addicts side of the street, drugs were the solution not the problem.  So when you take drugs out of the equation, you’re still left with the problem.  Then on my side of the street, I was so busy blaming everything (and I do mean EVERYTHING) on the addiction that sobriety became my teacher of reality.  

My lessons continued as my addict was changing, and working on his problems.  His slowly started to disappear, and behind them were MINE.  All my crap was hiding behind all his.  Or really I was so busy looking at his that I couldn’t see mine.  It took time to see what I hadn’t for a long time.  I realized that blaming the addiction for everything left me with no power to change.  If I’m not the the problem there is no solution.  Its hard, yes, but it’s also empowering to acknowledge responsibility because it means I can do something about it.  

Long story short, I still have a lot of work to do, but my recovery began with working the 12 steps myself.  Now that I see all my own character flaws, and can take responsibility, I can turn to those steps to live in a solution. 









…But I’ll take both 







You aren’t supposed to let anyone decide how you feel, yet it seems that love decides for you all the time.

I feel out of breath.  I am exhausted from chasing love that I can never catch up to.  

I have been here this whole marathon.  I thought I couldn’t reach you because it was snowing, then raining, then hailing.  But now as the storms have calmed, I find myself still running and still not grasping.  



