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July 18th 2003

I'm tired ... down, sleepless, dreaming about "The Ring" and Hulk beating the girl of "The Ring" because I'm fed up being afraid of her.. I see her eye, I see her victims .. victims... I can't do anything for personal halfquake anymore .. I'm weak, I'm unmotivated, I'm tired.. I'm hanging around, playing around with the warcraft 3 worldeditor, playing counter strike after 2 years of absence just for the dumbness .. my mind needs a break, my body needs sleep, my soul needs company.. I'm on vacation the next two weeks, I won't be here for you .. but I'll be here for you again and I'm there if you really need me .. mail, icq or whatever..
I can't promise to be alive then, I can't promise anything .. I don't want to disappoint anyone anymore.. I already did .. I'm not a god, I'm still a human being, I'm still weak, I'm still controlled by the handicaps of humanity..
I want to do more comics, I want to erase all bugs in personal halfquake and add all features I've promised, I want to make new songs, I want to create a new world.. a new world above halfquake, the next level.. and destroy halfquake.. I need fresh ideas, I need a new world to think about.. I need..
.. sleep..
Then I'll be better again, hopefully ..
Take care of yourselves in the meantime .. I want to talk to you all again when I get back .. back from sleep..

July 08th 2003

Once again I've overslept, I didn't hear my mobile phone when the alarm went on. I've slept with the small light on, which is above my bed, because I was afraid that insects could come in the darkness and slit my stomache, pick my eyes out or do things I couldn't even imagine. I've killed a spider before I went to bed, I tried to smash it, but I decided to use a vacuum cleaner instead. After I've killed the spider I felt guilty, and I saw black dots in all corners, screaming "YOU KILLED OUR FRIEND! WE WILL KILL YOU WHEN YOU'RE ASLEEP!".
I woke up at 6 am, noticed that I was still alive, thankfully, and the light was still on, and the sun started to shine on this side of the world. I turned off the light and fell asleep again. For the last hour.
Friends tell me about their problems. Probems with other human beings, they get no attention, or they get negative attention, like playing jokes on someone for just being individual, for just drawing oblisks made of bones and skulls.
We aren't accepted, we aren't supported, we aren't alive. We're dead, we need psychiatrists, we need cliques, we need outer values, we need idols, we need new girl/boyfriends every week. We are dirt. We are nothing.
Just because of being individual.
Shouldn't there be a support, a present for creative and individual thoughts? People should be judged because of their inner values, people should work on their inner values.
Most of those non-individualists are just jealous because they can't think of their own worlds, they can't be creative, so they destroy individualism, because they can't handle it. This is what we should think when we deal with such persons.
They're those people with stones and sticks. We're those people with pencils and visions.
They're the present. We're the future.
They're dead, we're alive.

June 26th 2003

A german hq fan called "Terrok" visited a friend who owned a webcam. The results can be seen here: Click.

June 21st 2003

Finally Bomb victims arrived. Thanks to Handy! Get it here!

And we've got a new member: Swartz will add some reviews about games, movies and so on at sven's corner. (:

Stay dead.

June 20th 2003

We got a new member: Colt will add a new project soon, he's a good mapper and will provide us with lots of excellent sadism (:

Another good news: we'll soon be able to play bomb victims as a mini game (:

Stay dead.




The Farm