Sunday, January 24, 2010

It's Complicated but then again so is my husband

Saturday Night Fever without the fever. Steve and I did not have any remaining after effects from the colds and viruses we have battled over the past 3 weeks so we were feeling energetic! At around 2 o'clock, Merryl Streep called and asked why we haven't seen her latest film so we thought it was best to check it out before the Oscars were handed out. (Okay so maybe Merryl didn't call...but Steve Streep asked if I wanted to see a movie and I said yes). He had two movie passes burning a hole in his pocket and was anxious to use them. Let me tell you how he came about acquiring these passes. He WON them in a bet. Yes, in a bet.... At the gym.... Betting on someone's age. If you are at the gym and you see Steve and this other guy checking you out that's what they are doing.....guessing your age. Like the good old days at the Ex. Remember? It's obvious that these two have nothing better to do at the they play the "guess how old he/she is game". As a result of these stupid games we got two free movie passes and Steve has to buy his "guessing partner" a round of Jerk Chicken at a Jamaican restaurant in Misssissauga. I think it's a fair deal.

Due to our advancing age we no longer attend the late show so we make our way over to the theatre at 5:50 p.m. (for a 6:30 p.m. performance) to ensure that we get good seats. Even though this movie has been playing for over a month now it's better to get there early so that we can establish our "movie time routine". This is how it goes:

1. We get there in 7 minutes so now it's 5:57 p.m.
2. We park (corner spot prefered to avoid door dents)
3. Proceed to the ticket gate
4. Hand the attendant our free coupies
5. Proceed to the escalator/stairs (I take the stairs for a bonus glutes workout while "Competitive Steve" takes the escalator in order to race to the top so that he can win)
6. Proceed to Theatre 3

7. Find an aisle seat
8. Suck your body and legs in at least 5 times while other theatre goers squeeze past you because you are in an aisle seat.
9. Wait for the previews to start
10. Send Steve for Popcorn

Here's where the fun begins. Steve is now gone for approximately 5 minutes. He returns with a Large Popcorn, Large Drink and two straws. Please note the the large popcorn is refillable which means that we are prepared to eat two large popcorns without hesitation during the first half of the movie. This is all timed systematically so the next step is to guarantee that we are never without a kernel during the viewing process. Steve then releases a plastic grocery bag from his pocket, carefully deposits the fresh popcorn into the bag and disappears. He has 10 minutes to make his way out to the concession stand and return in time for the Feature Film to begin. He executes his timing perfectly and returns with the refilled bag just as the movie starts to roll. On occasion he will bring electrical tape to the movie with him. Why? Because he needs to make an extension ladder straw for our giant-sized refreshment. Once he constructs the extension for the two straws you can rest easy in your seat without barely moving to sip on your drink. The straw is long enough for a slight lean forward to obtain the pop - I'm not kidding here. Do you want to come with us one night and see? I didn't think so. Back to the popcorn. I am holding the plastic GROSSery bag when he returns. Even though I have already dipped into the bag while Steve was absent with no qualms I am not too keen on continuing this course of action. So I give Steve the old "I don't like eating from plastic bit" and he grabs it and throws me the nice HOTTER popcorn in the lovely paper bag. Much better. Now that we are at the start of the "eating popcorn" stage I can relax and enjoy the show yes? NO. Steve starts shovelling the light and airy snack swiftly into his face while simultaneously leaning slightly forward to suck back on OUR pop while I eat one kernel at a time sipping small amounts of liquid to coat my popcorn and make it soluable. Steve's method of shovelling, slurping and eating rapidly results in the following side effects:
A) you choke on your drink - coughing loudly and uncontrollably as you try to clear the tickle in your throat
B) you inevitably lose most of your popcorn into your crotch and down the neck of your sweater and;
C) you squeek

Oh I know the majority of you don't squeek but Steve does. Flash back to a few years ago. Steve has an "issue" with his two front teeth and goes to his "makeshift" dentist to have a bit of work done. Although this is not a physical and visible issue at present the results of the repair still remains an issue. Especially with me. Are you following along here? Stay with me... You see ...whenever a food product is ingested by my husband it ultimately gets trapped in the small space between his two front teeth. Most normal people would simply take a piece of floss or a toothpick to remove this trapped product but not Steve. He has devised a way to remove it by simply sucking it out with forced air from inside his head. Not only does this miracously remove the wedged product it also is a surefire way to drive me absolutely insane. Insane to the point where I formulate methods in my mind of improving the circumstances. I could remove his two front teeth while he sleeps? I could mix some leftover grout we have from our last construction project and fill THAT space? I could sew a voodoo doll the likeness of his dentist and poke it on a daily basis? I could try to focus on the positives of Steve's noises and document them in case I need them in the future when I need to show that I am clinically able to gain admittance to the loonie bin?  Apparantly there is nothing that can be done to improve this anomoly.... I have asked Steve where his so-called dentist lives numerous times and he will not divulge that information.....I believe he is hiding....from me.  And so...I live my life with the squeeking, the poofing and all the other musical interludes that Steve provides for my listening pleasure.....I am currently developing a face aid to help. See if you like it and let me know...

oh and just to let you know.... scored a hat trick with the popcorn.....3 bags.......2 in the theatre and 1 to take home...what? That's the point of it being REFILLABLE. ....IT'S COMPLICATED but it works.

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