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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Russians.

Russians (тестикулы; literally translated as 'people who are in a hurry') are so called Indo-European kind of monkeys that received the physical shape of the humans but their thinking and intelectual level went somewhere to the side, making Russians an alternative path of human evolution. Russians are a fast drinking people whose level of intoxication might well rival that of the Irish but not the Finnish and Bavarians.

Unlike the Irish though they have a reason, Russia is slightly colder than Pluto, thus the high intoxication levels allow to work outside with full strength, and to have a good discussion inside (see below for more information). Russians are known for their fighting ways--they have many times in their history fought to get out of Russia,but then they got bored and hot, and thus fought their way back in. Apart from those awing traits, they also have a very distinctive accent, which most of the time sounds like angry ramble, which scares most of the tourists off the possibly dangerous streets (and to the safety of a warm, concrete building). Russians live in Russia, not Bavaria as many people assume. Famous Russians include John Lennon, Grigori Rasputin, Vladimir VII the Putin, and Motherland.


After the invention of Vodka the only other thing that the Russians invented (and were not patented by foreign scientists, before them) were Czars. The Czars were a taxing invention that ruled over the Russians with a velvet fist in an iron glove. They constantly forced the Russian peasants to do their will. The Czars ruled the Russians for a long time. But you should really read the section on the history of Russia to get that this is a section on the Russians.

Around the 70's of 1800's of A.D., the Marx Brothers show started up in Russia, and they were spreading Communism throughout the land. They thought it was the coolest thing ever, so it became a major fad until people forgot about it when Furbies became more popular. It was sometime later that Russia is credited with inventing the AK-47, which was originally used to cut grass (with great success in areas of building, transportation (the giant AK transport is one of the most famed creations within the area of mass transportation)and executions). Why people tried to use it in as a weapon is to this point unknown, although many scientists like Gordon Freeman are busily studying this bizarre phenomenon.



          "Explosions get me horny," and "I get vodka now?" 

Estimates of the exact number of nuclear devices they possess are represented by the formula: x=population x 2. As each citizen possesses atleast 2 of these devices.

The devices have become increasingly scarce due to their traditional use as growth hormones in the produce industry. the radiation improves the fruits by rendering them predatory and therefore they consume as opposed to being consumed. This brings about the phrase "in soviet Russia apple eats you"

Significant events in Russian history and culture:

1440 A.D. -Invention of Vodka, a staple beverage for all Russian meals during the day.

1847 A.D. -Invention of Nitroglycerin, the first modern high explosive this chemical helped thousands of Soviets overcome their Erectile Dysfunction (E.D.).

1914 - Russia fights Germany. Millions die.

1917 - Revolution and Civil War. Millions die.

1921 - Famine from above wars. Millions die.

1932 - Famine from collectivization. Millions die.

1937 - The Great Terror. Millions die.

1941 - Russia fights Germany again. Millions die.

1945 - Yet another famine. Millions die.

1946 - Now the only person left in the Soviet Union, Stalin proceeds to repopulate the country through asexual budding.

1948 - Invention of the Ak-47 assault rifle, capable of destroying entire families and giving a more realistic substitute to Call of Duty to millions of African children.

Physical Characteristics[edit]


The Russian Soul[edit]

Yawn. Urrr [stretches]... you've heard about the Russian Soul (TM) haven't you? Well, if you've ever met a real Russian, he or she is sure to have told you about it at length and ad nauseum: about its huge size... depth... mysterious nature... swollen girth... Yawn. Because, hey, only Russians have souls that deep, pravda? No other nation can compete. You should see one of those flabby but vacuous American souls for comparison... Or one of those perfidious British ones! Paah! Nothing else can compare........ [Yawns again. Nods off.]

Common Confusion[edit]








Prostitution in Russia[edit]





The Russians are new to the new form of entertainment known as "comedy", discovered by the King of England in 1543, lost three years later, rediscovered by the Americans in 1930, not yet known by Germans. Common Russian jokes include the structure "In Soviet Russia, (noun) (verb) you!" Example:

  • In Soviet Russia, joke sighs at you!
  • In Soviet Russia, needle injects you!
  • In Soviet Russia, hat wears you!


  • The Russian all vodka diet may make them more receptive to jokes, it makes writing them a little more difficult.

The Russian Conspiracy[edit]

Russians are in fact superhumans. Everything you hear about them is a lie to make us think they are not a threat. In truth a single fully grown russian man has enough strength to cause the big bang with one punch, in fact this is how the universe was created. To make sure they do not destroy the entire world, Russians are given vodka by the US government, which weakens their powers, however they are still strong enough for one Russian to be able to take on the entire US military forces with just his fists and a bowie knife. Once a Russian has drank a single drop of vodka he is addicted and if he does not drink more vodka every hour he will transformation into a jelly baby. This transformation can be reversed by injecting vodka into the jelly baby, thus countless Russians can be transported unnoticed in the form of a jelly baby. There is a famous youtube video of a youth injecting a jelly baby with vodka and then quickly swallowing it, causing the Russian to be formed inside him and the youth is ripped apart by sheer motherland body mass. Oh, those russians.

  Fundamental Stereotypes