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Thursday, October 25, 2007

Bionic Woman Goes From Mediocre To Bad

So let's pretend you're a project manager for an ultra secret, mysteriously funded, covert operation whose stated goal is to save the world, rescue the princess, beat up guys wearing black hats and eat apple pie (probably in that order). You have a budget which comfortably includes a secret mountain lair and a multi-million dollar bionics program (although presumably that price is cheap because you're importing a lot of widgets from China).

You prime asset is a bionic woman. She's an ex-bartender and most of her training came with her ROM. The last time you sent her out on assignment you forgot to give her a cover story so she went with an old standby that doesn't work as well when you're covering up a trip to Paraguay as it does when you're lying to your sister about a late Friday night.

So this time you come up with a cover story. But for kicks and giggle, just for a lark - you decide that she should come from someplace which requires a thick accent. If this ex-bartender with less training than a minister who got his license from the back of the Weekly World New can't pull off this accent, she's pretty much hosed and the whole mission will fail and you won't get any pie.

Regretfully by the time you realize your totally boneheaded mistake the ID cards have already been printed with the word "England" on them - so really, what's a highly paid professional to do?

Thankfully the actress hired to portray your bionic woman actually comes from England so she can pull it off without a hitch. Mind you that realizing that she's an actress and not actually bionic is the result of some completely craptacular writing.

And honestly, it didn't end there last night. Then you get the happy serendipity that is Jamie's roomie. Hey, she just happens to have a James Joyce assignment? Really? Wow, that's amazing because she was just talking about that before the commercial break.

In an age of television where shows like Damages and West Wing exist, the writing on Bionic Woman amounts to no less than criminal negligence. The staff should not be fired, they should be locked up for the safety and preservation of a free society. I wanted to like the show, to forgive its faults, but ... I just can't. And neither should anyone else.

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