Thursday, December 30, 2010


Yesterday's queasy factor was not a bug...I felt like myself by about 11:30 and had another good low carb day that included a short walk.  I'm missing exercise and may have to get back to the gym, but the temps are supposed to be in the high 40s and 50s for the next few days, so I'm praying for THAW.  There is still a lot of rock hard icy patches on the side roads here, which is where I walk (shunning the super highways when I'm on foot!).  It's hard to get to a good power walk speed when your trying to stay upright!

After starting out feeling so iffy yesterday I was very selective about my food intake, having only one handful of nuts as opposed to the several I had the day before.  My body is REALLY feeling the shift of it's fuel in the last 3 days.  I've been through this before, and I'm grateful that I do respond quickly to removing the massive carb platters from the table.  This morning I swear I have a more defined lower rib line when lying on my back in bed...and I just feel lighter.  Obviously it's not pounds lighter already (though as of yesterday 4.8...didn't get on the scale today in the interest of not getting obsessive), but there is increasing calmness and a general relaxation response in my body.  It's not crazy...I've experienced this in the past and always been amazed by how physically different I can feel when I change up the fuel.  What's more amazing is how I've proven this to myself countless times over the years and still go back to the dark side.

I guess it's like how my car would run if I tried to fill it with kerosene instead of regular unleaded - just not as good.  If at all.

One thing I have to start doing is talking about the feelings that are already starting to unearth...mainly that on Day 2 (the day of the nut overdose) I started having the desire to continually eat.  Something.  Just be chewing and swallowing.  No stomach hunger at all.  But the "need" to shove something into my mouth.  That's why I overdid the nuts on Tuesday..."at least they're low carb".  I was frustrated by that urge but having read Atkins and South Beach many times, I knew that if I was at least keeping it low to no carb snacking, it wouldn't mess up the physiology of the food program.  But eventually that behavior will slow or stop weight loss, and just sustain an addictive pattern.

I'm kind of glad the nuts backfired yesterday morning (oh my word, no pun intended!), making me feel really sick with assorted GI symptoms.  Even if I stay low carb consistently and forever, I can't keep a steady of influx of food all day long.  But the desire does come up when the usual steady supply is interrupted.  It's a psychological dependence and I know it will go away after awhile if I don't respond to the obsession to shove something in.

Yesterday Miz had an interesting discussion about willpower vs willingess.  Willpower vs. willingness is a big topic in AA, so that discussion was interesting for me but not new material.  But as I reflect on trying to once and for all stick and stay in this journey to health and fitness, I know that willingness is the key for me.  I have to be willing to sit through obsessive desires to eat - using all the resources at my disposal to for help.  Prayer, AA, blogging, an occasional dollop of will power which rarely visits this blogger...willingness to wait it out.  The moment, the obsession will pass but everytime I cave in I strengthen it for its next visit.

So yesterday, after the stomach and related parts settled down, wouldn't you know the food thoughts were back.  The still lingering memory of feeling so sick helped me keep putting it off in one way or another and I ended up with another day.  We even went to the golf club hubby belongs to for dinner (had to spend some $ before the ned of the year) and I wondered if I'd "make it through".  I did - just fine.  We even brought desserts home to the boys; I had none and didn't mind having none.

But that's one day.  The planets lined up in my favor and it wasn't hard to "be good".  Many (most) days aren't like that.  This is 99% a head game for this blogger.  The people who've been successful in this realm are ones who have faced the demons, the feelings - or not.  But they had the willingness to wait out the obsession for a quick fix for the promise of more lasting reward. 

In AA they they talk about HOW - an acronym for Honesty, Openmindedness and Willingness.  That's HOW I'm going to get through one day at a time.


  1. I always find the first three days the roughest. And then, like you are seeing, there is a feeling of lightness that just seems to help make things a bit easier. Here's to many great days.

  2. "What's more amazing is how I've proven this to myself countless times over the years and still go back to the dark side." OMG yes!

    So my husband and I have had interesting conversations about how much of this really is in our head and how much is in the foods. I do think that there is something to the notion that certain foods are more addictive (like those darn "bad" carbs) and leave us craving more. But, who really knows. Loved Miz's post and planned on mentioning it myself but you did it for me:) I also get the chewing/mouth stuffing thing. My little overdo this week has been sugar-free hard candies which filled that same mouth need. Have you tried gum? I used to do a lot of that. Chomp, chomp.

  3. One fact about nuts that you may not be aware of is that while they are low carb, they are high in Phytic Acid. Phytic acid is a naturally occurring substance that makes it difficult for our intestinal tract to fully absorb the nutrients in a given food ( nuts, grains and beans all contain this). To remove , these foods must be soaked in water with a small amount of vinegar or whey to remove it. With nuts they can then be dry roasted and eaten without distress. It's something that was common knowledge about 100 years ago, but dropped because of the need for convenience. It's something you might want to try experimenting with to see if it helps.

  4. My internet service went down just as I tried to post my comment, so I don't know if you got it or not. There is actually a 12-step program called HOW, which is very structured. Some people have found help though the program. There are also many face-to-face meetings, as well as phone meetings. I hope that your string of good days continue.

  5. I'm glad it was just the nuts and not a bug!

    Seems like Miz' post got a bunch of us to thinking. I like your thoughts of being willing to wait out the obsession... or the pain or WHATEVER it is.

  6. I totally agree. For me, being good leads to good results that I can see, which leads to more willpower. BUT occasionally this also leads to complacency because I am comfortable with my new looks and don't have the huge flab amount to drive me hard like it used to...

    Polar's Mom

  7. oh wow. I had no idea about the AA stuff either.
    I love this post as sort of the rest of the story to mine as well.

    you are strong. you are strong.

  8. I just love your posts. Just caught up on the last two. The psychology behind addiction is just so intriguing to me. It gives me hope, also, that if I keep learning how to do better, one day I might actually do better!! :)

  9. Jumping in again to wish you the best and the ability to cling to your goals in the coming year. Carla said "you are strong"--actually, she said it twice. It's true. Count on it.

  10. You will get through this Leslie. You are doing an amazing job. Love that acronym, going to try and remember it.

  11. Keep on keeping on..I agree it just takes building more time ..series of good choices after good choices....recognizing the crappy choices and 'oh, why did I do that' feeling afterward. I'm trying the drink water method everytime I get that chewing thing..whole different sensation from chewing..I've been known to binge through a pack of gum and I now have tmj issues xo I zn'g bo ghzg fougd..

  12. When I joined OA, we had a three separate "types" of meetings in my town: regular OA, HOW meetings with a specific food plan and questions for working steps, and 90-day meetings with all the structure of HOW plus certain requirements that had to be met at 90 days in order to share at a meeting, sponsor, etc. I felt then, and still do, that God is bigger than these petty divisions. I also look to AA as a guideline and there I don't see any such divisions so I go for just plain old regular OA.

    But what HOW stands for IS program and without those three concepts it's impossible to work a program. Today in a meeting I heard someone say that he heard somewhere that he doesn't have a problem, he has a solution he doesn't like. That seems to be a sticking point for a lot of people.

    I'm rooting for you, Leslie! And, by the way, I can't eat nuts at all. They are my worst craving food. People talk their heads off about sugar and white flour, but my obsession is nuts!

  13. Leslie I'm so glad I have you to remind me that I need to keep tabs on the addiction behind it all. I tend to ignore that part of it but it's the key to it all really. Happy New Year my friend! It's going to be a great year for us all!

  14. Thanks for this.

    I know exactly what you mean about feeling so different with the fuel change. When I first cut out gluten, I thought a miracle happened. Really. A bonafide miracle, the change was so dramatic. you is it that, knowing the result of cutting out gluten, how is it that i keep indulging. sigh.

    Like I said, thanks for this post.


  15. Hi Leslie, good post! So much of it really is in the mind. I had a lot of success early in 2010 without any kind of "diet." I simply didn't eat unless I was actually hungry, and it worked wonders. I ate what I wanted, just had to retrain my mind not to want to eat all that it could get it's hands on. It really was 99% physchological.

    Tammy is one of my longtime blogger friends and speaks highly of you, I'm following you now. You can find me at: