Tuesday, March 17, 2009

How did this happen?

So what do you do when you put your life on hold for your family and then you wake up one day and want it back? For the last six plus years I have been a mom and wife. There have been ups and downs but everyday when I woke up I knew it was what I wanted to do. I had the support of my husband. He would work and I would stay home with the children and be a mom and a wife. Take care of the house, take care of our lives and be happy.

Well, I woke up today and wouldn't get out of bed. I looked at my house with clothes everywhere and piles of debris that are remnants of my past few years. Where did I lose control? How did my house end up like this, how did my life end up in similar piles of debris? Why did this happen to me again? I swore after I moved out of my parents house no one would have that kind of control over my life again. I wouldn't be another victim. No one would make me feel worthless on a daily basis again.

It took me a long time to let down my shields to let someone into my life that closely and I did. I fell in love, got married, had my family. I was what I always wanted to be a wife and mommy. Sue it would have been nice for me to work, to get the extra money but my hubby and I agreed I would stay home save on the daycare cost and I tried to do it all.

I always put the kids before cleaning. I never let it get this bad before though. I don't know how to start organizing or cleaning my house and the same goes for my life. So I sit on my bed and look at the piles of everything all over. How did it get so bad? How did I let my husband push me into the wall in front of my son and spit in my face? Why didn't I just walk away then?

I am afraid to walk away. I said for better or worse. Do I even remember the better? Why can't I take that last step? I am afraid I'll lose the kids. I am afraid of leaving him alone with the kids. Will he hurt them? I don't think so physically, but he can be so mean when he talks to them, or rather yells at them. Then I see the man I married playing with the kids with a smile on his face and I want to believe he can stay that way.

My therapist and I agree that there is something else there, be it Asperger's like my son or something similar. He was never treated and he won't seek help now. He refuses to work with me to fix our marriage because he believes it will either work out or it won't, There is no effort from him to keep me. He makes to effort to bring me back.

So I sit on my bed watching the spare TV, typing on my laptop and crying. I think I don't want to fix up. I think I give up. I feel wrong for giving up. I feel like I failed. I feel like I am about to lose everything.

My house is a wreck, my life is a wreck and I want to fix it, Why can't I?

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