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Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Old cat or new tricks?

A sexuality counseler and New York Times bestselling author breaks down the benefits of "comfort sex" or sex in a monogamous relationship. I've had plenty of conversations and know the pros and cons of being monogamous vs. "new pussy." I think the author does a great job of explaining why it's best in most cases to work on your chemistry with one woman:

Nervous is creepy

What if I told you being nervous around a woman can give her the same creepy feeling she'd get from a child molester?

I was reading some material from an author by the name of CR James, and he made this comparison in one of these reports. To paraphrase, if you approach a woman scared or unsure of yourself, you may as well be a creepy guy in a trenchcoat trying to ask her out. And I don't mean this in some exaggerated, "drive the point home kind of way," I'm serious.

CR James fleshed this comparison out really well, and I couldn't disagree one bit. I can look back over my life and remember specific instances where I KNEW she was into me... I just KNEW it. But my approach was timid or nervous, so I didn't get the result I wanted. Heck, even as a married man, if my wife is in the mood and I make a half-hearted, tentative pass at her, there's a good chance she'll be "tired" or "have a headache" that night.

The science behind this is simple. Think about it. If you were in the park and had to point to a guy and say, "Wow, THAT guy's a child molester," what traits would he likely possess?

He'd appear skittish and nervous, friendly, soft spoken and not physically overbearing. I always picture a nervous guy looking back and forth and offering a kid candy (not that I daydream about stuff like this).

OK, now let's take a look at you a "nice guy" trying to make a pass at a woman while unsure of himself.

He's nervous, skittish, friendly, soft spoken, and not physically overbearing. Nine times out of ten, he hovers around his "target" afraid to make his intentions clear, but hoping his friendliness and non threatening demeanor will win her over. Sound familiar? If not, let me put it this way... "Want some candy?"

Now clearly, I'm not saying that if you make the mistake of approaching a woman this way, you'll be looked at and treated like a molester. In her mind, she'll know you're just a nervous guy who is tripping all over herself. But in that deep, scary, subconcious place where the power female psyche lies, her spider sense is tingling and telling her to get the hell out of this situation ASAP.

Don't be a jerk, don't club her over the head and drag her away. But before you make any type of approach, make sure you're centered in some sort of confidence, because the vibes of a nervous man may be more counter productive than you would have imagined.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

When doing everything right is wrong

Remember that little bit about animal instincts?

I'm catching on the critically acclaimed FX sitcom "Louie" and caught this great episode toward the end of the first season. It's yet another example that doing the "right thing" and being politically correct is great for society, but does nothing for sexual attraction between men and women. I'll let you watch this clip for yourself.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

A "Keep it fresh" tip

Do something different. Seriously, such a small step goes a long way. I'm not even just talking romantic or sexual. Sometimes in relationships, especially when you're married or living together, you get comfortable and everything becomes "business as usual."

This is counterproductive to generating lust because women crave excitement. The longer you've been together, the more she's used to your catch phrases, jokes, responses to certain situations and overall demanor. Why not mix it up a little? If you want to reach new levels you can't be afraid to branch out of your comfort zone. It's like a video game. You get to a certain point where you're conquering and life is good. After a while, you face new challenges and your powers because useless against your new challenges.

So what do you do? Find new weapons and armor, new abilities and new tricks to get past your obstacles. In this case, your obstacle is a bored wife. If your caveman joke followed my a slap on the butt worked two years ago, it's probably not going to hold the test of time forever. In fact, she might be so sick of it that it's now become a turnoff

You need to treat yourself like a comedian. You know your audience (your wife), so start trying new material to see what sticks. It doesn't have to be anything incredibly elaborate.

If your response to "Hey, how's your day going?" is always "Fine," change that. If you're always on the couch watching ESPN when she gets home, change that. DVR the show and be gone when she gets home (gym, jogging, bar, library, wherever). When she shoots you a text, don't respond. Just show up at home an hour or two later than usual (don't overdo it and create a reason for her to be worried), and walk in the house smiling like nothing happened. If nothing else, you've just created a new topic to be discussed.

The bottom line is, you need to adapt once your woman has figured you out. And she WILL figure you out if she hasn't already. The chase of figuring out your new order of operations can be exciting and intriguing, which fires off those "he's not boring" receptors in her brain, which allows her to remain excited and open.

Not long ago, my wife said something that was innocent but could be turned sexual if your mind is in the gutter. I could have responded with one of my typical jokes or a lame "That's what she said!" but that'd be predictable. I don't remember what my response was, but it was CREATIVE and flirty. Her big smile said it all. She even took it a step further and encouraged me to fire off responses like that more often. Why? Because it was a break from the norm and excited her. +PQ indeed.

Try some stuff out and don't get your feelings hurt if things don't work. If you try a joke and get mad at her for not responding the way you want then you've just negated any PQ that you would have gained anyway. Take responsibility for keeping things fresh in your relationship. If you lead, she'll follow.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Mood Music Moment: Take Off Your Cool

By Judah

This week’s Mood Music Moment is by Andre 3000 and Norah Jones. Take off your Cool is a very simple yet poignant song. Filled with long breaks and guitar solo’s.

Side Note: I am really thinking about taking guitar lessons. I am a real big fan of musicians and I think it would be dope to become one. Make write a little here and there and play it on my guitar.

This song is off the Outkast album: Speakerbox/The Love Below. It’s hard to believe the album came out almost 10 years ago…Time sure does fly.

On a human level the song is about allowing yourself to become vulnerable. At times you put up a wall that will prevent people from getting close to you. Other times you wear a mask to hide your true self. You could be playing the roll of the clown from which you are the funniest guy in the room. Everyone knows you are funny but have no clue who you are. In this case the Andre and Norah are speaking to someone of interest and would like them to drop down their swag a notch and understand who you really are…Enjoy.

[Norah Jones]
Baby, take off your cool
I wanna see you, I wanna see you
Baby, don't be so cool
I wanna see you, I wanna see you

[Andre 3000]
Baby, take off your cool
I want to get to know you
(Take off your cool)

Side Note: Norah Jones is a classic beauty to me. She wears very little make up, simple clothing, not too revealing. Instead of show all of her goodies she leaves some to the imagination…But that’s another blog post.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

The emotional man double standard

By Samson

We touched on the most popular double standard between men and women not long ago, but how about when it leans in the woman's favor? Yes ladies, some things do swing your way.

I remember a while ago my wife came upon a bunch of unforseen expenses all at once. Needless to say, it was a stressful time. I knew eventually we'd see our way out of the hole, but it would take some sacrifice and we were going to have go through some bad times before the good showed up.

Now I have a very relaxed demeanor, so my jokes tend to get lost in translation sometimes. This particular time, the joke wasn't caught, nor was it funny... Why? Because I'm a man.

Samson: I don't know what we're going to do... *Said in playful mock sadness/desperation*

Wife: What?! Don't say that!

Samson: Huh?

Wife: *Goes into panic mode and talks about how we have to be positive*

Now this is what I mean. In addition to my day job and side endeavors, my other occupation is full-time husband. A good percentage of my husband duty is to be a shoulder to cry on and ear to complain to, all the while going against my natural instinct and remembering the unwritten rules:

1. Don't fix her problems for her
2. Let her vent without interjecting too much solution oriented conversation
3. Just listen

This set of rules makes zero sense to me, but as a husband (and I'm sure other husbands or long-time boyfriends can vouch), I had to learn that it's the reality of surviving life with a woman. Be the rock without being the fixer. It's not right or wrong, it just is.

On to that double standard part...

So I'm faced with a crisis, and when I "break character" and so much as JOKE about showing my weakness, I'm not allowed. It's not fair, but neither is life. But let's break down what really happened.

She got upset not because I showed weakness (though it was supposed to be a joke...), she got mad because I showed weakness when it was time for me to be the man. All men, women and children have weak moments. But because she perceived me to be having one at that moment, she panicked. You can't have two people freaking out at the same time. She was worried, so when she thought I was just as worried or worst, MORE worried, it scared the Bejeesus out of her. So she "whipped me into shape" and back into my default role.

So the golden double standard rule of the day is that a man is allowed to have weak moments, but not nearly as often as your woman, and not when it counts.

In my relationship, I share feelings, cry and vent when I feel the need, but that ratio has to be about 1 time for every 50 times she does. It's not because I'm trying to "be a man" or play tough, I just naturally don't have those needs as often as she does. Most men are this way.

So while women "aren't allowed" to slut it up and retain the same level of attractiveness, a man isn't allowed to be as emotionally needy (for lack of a better term) as the average woman. Neither of these are fair, but they're reality.