Worst 100 Things To Say In Court

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According to Clarence Darrow's true word, these are the worst 100* things a person can say in court.

* Note: Clarence Darrow does not care about this list. You probably don't even know who Clarence Darrow is. He was the defense attorney in the Scopes monkey trial of 1925, but nobody comes to Uncyclopedia desiring a history lesson. And if you do, no wonder you're failing in school.

100 through 91[edit]

100. "If it's a crime be proud of my heritage then I'm guilty of that, if it's a crime to exercise my own free will, then I'm also guilty of that. And if it's a crime to strangle a man to death, well I guess I'm guilty of that too."

99. "Your honour, I only murdered your mother because she called me a bad lover."

99.The jury is ugly? Hmm... you may have a point there.

98. (In Spanish Accent) "Can we hurry this up? I have a shipment coming in about twenty minutes, amigo."

97. (To the Judge) "You're pretty sexy for a black guy."

96. "What if, instead of paying the fine, I squeezed your tits and offered to fuck you instead?" (Even better if the judge is a guy!)

95. (To the Judge) "You're pretty high and mighty for a man who wears a dress."

94. "The truth? You can't handle the truth!"

93 "Who do you have to rape to get a glass of water around here?"

92. "I plead the Fifth of Jack."

91. "Did you say order in the court? I'll have a double cheese burger, onion rings, a chocolate shake and a cherry pie please."

90 through 81[edit]

90. "Look, anybody that would walk in front of my speeding car (regardless of lights and signs) must have been crazy! So I plead not guilty by reason of insanity of my victim."

89. "The flying monkeys told me to do it! They also like that robe you're wearing"

88. "I shot the sheriff, but I did not shoot the deputy" everybody sing along

87. But I saw it done on television. Yes I was pretty drunk at the time but I'm sure they said try this at home.

86. Oh YEA! Well how do you host a murder mystery party? Well maybe I should have read the instructions on the box.

85. Can I have a new lawyer? This one sucks.

84. I have to take a mad shit, I'll be back in a minute.

83. Have you met my lawyers Smith and Wesson? Do you feel lucky punk? Well do ya?

82. I want Andy Dick to be my lawyer.

81. She wanted me to peep in her window! She left her blinds up (about 2"), she left a rickety ladder locked in her garage for me to climb up to her 3rd floor window, she used a cheap lock on her fence gate to invite me in and she must have trained her guard dogs to be distracted by large chunks of meat so I could get past them. Clearly I was just doing what she invited me to?

80 through 71[edit]

80. If OJ Simpson can do it, why can't I?

80 1/2. If Robert Blake can do it, why can't I?

80 3/4. If Hugh Hefner can do it, why can't I?

79. Can we hurry this up? The Office starts in, like, 30 minutes.

78. My dog told me to do it.

77. These are some bad shrooms.

76. Your Honor, just because I'm holding a badger up to the witness doesn't mean I'm badgering the witness!

75. Yeah? Well FUCK YOU!

74. I art-fay on your rave-gay!

73. If the glove doesn't fit, you must take a shit.

72. I didn't rape the victim! My pants just happened to fall down while we were in the elevator!

71. I don't know why everybody else is upset, it was my dynamite that got blowed up! Now all I got left is this one stick here.

70 through 61[edit]

70. I didn't know that killing people was against the law, I swear!

69. Who are my heroes, you say? Well, OJ Simpson...

68. "All rise. Now sit. Rise, sit, rise, sit, rise, rise. OOOOH, you sat down! You're out!"

67. Judge Judy: You damaged this woman's iPhone, so you need to reimburse her. It's not rocket science. What is rocket science?

Dumb Blonde: Rocket science is when scientists find out stuff about space.

66. Objection! I just feel like yelling "Objection"! I have Tourette's!

65. You mind if I light a cigarette in here? Good, I didn't think so. Oh, I lit the courthouse on fire! My bad!

64. Seriously, I wasn't even aiming at him! I don't think it should even count!

63. Somebody had to kill Michael Bolton, and I thought "Hey, nobody has the initiative, so why don't I do it?"

62. In Soviet Russia, police arrest YOU! Oh, that's also how they do it in this country? Never mind then.

61. I demand a retrial on the grounds that my lawyer sucks!

60 through 51[edit]

60. "What? I'm rich and famous, you can't send me to prison! I usually just have to pay a $10 fine for a serial raping!"

59. Well, you're going to jail. But the good news is that they have good bologna sandwiches there. So off you go.

58. Yeah, yeah, dogfighting sucks. I play quarterback for the Falcons. Can't you let me go?

57. Don't make me rape you!

56. You liar! how could you see my face when I was wearing a mask?

55. Mr. Lawyer Esquire is GAY! He is the worst attorney EVER he suxs. He got me sent to jail! because I didn't read some gay small print. Even though it wasn't my fault. i dot like him and niobody does because he is gay and stupid and ugly and retarded and fat. i wish he gets disbarred and goes to the moon or a gay retared place. he is GAY GAY GAY GAY!!!!! HE IS THE WORST PERSON EVER. I HOPE HE GET SOME SICK.

54. So when my client, Mr. Smith, allegedly raped you, did you squeal like a pig? Because if you did, that would be so freakin' HOT! Oh, I'm getting aroused just thinking about it! Oh, wait a minute, this is a court case. Answer the question, yes or no, ma'am?


53. I have to fart.

52. Good evening, jury. My name is Dick Penisberg (Esquire), and along with my co-counsel of Mike Hunt (Esquire) and some guy my client found in the Pennysaver...

51. I thought they serve peanuts and Cracker Jack at these trials. Wait... that's baseball I'm thinking of that does that? I still want my peanuts and Cracker Jack, dammit!

50 through 41[edit]

50. Therefore, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my client, who had a clear alibi supported by two witnesses, at the time the arson occurred, couldn't have burned down the plaintiff's house. (singing) We didn't start the fire. It was always burning since the world's been turning...

49. At least I didn't make Batman and Robin.

48 As a Muslim, I...


46. Why can't Sam Waterston from "Law and Order" be my attorney? I know he doesn't have an actual law degree and only plays a lawyer on television, but I want him to be my attorney, goddammit!

45. If the scientist I killed was so smart then how come he died?

44. (For Baseball Players) If steroids are illegal then- RAAAWWWWWRRR!!!!

43. Prosecuting Lawyer: You gave these children alcohol, while refering to it as "Jesus Juice", did you not?

Michael Jackson: Shamona! Hee Hee!

Michael Jackson Fans: He couldn't have did it, because he sang "Thriller"!

42. Want to see my Pokemons?

41. Where's Bull? I thought he was the bailiff, but this guy has hair! Oh, wait... that's Night Court I'm thinking of?

40 through 31[edit]

40. Yo homie, I was jus' chillin' wit my homies when all a da sudden, dis guy jus' come upta us an' starts shootin' at us.

39. If I'm found innocent, can I keep the money that I stole?

38. Can I have a white judge, please?

37. Yeah, I wrote this article on "Uncyclopedia" once.

36. Lawyer: Please state your name for the court.

Witness: I plead the fifth!

35. Witness: Since everybody here's pleading the fifth, I'll plead the second.

Judge: You can't plead the second. That's the right to bear arms.

Witness: Exactly! (Shoots Judge)

34. Twenty hours of community service? But I might break a nail!

33. It's not my fault! He threw himself at the baseball bat I was swinging toward him in a threatening way !

32. Come on, guys! We all know dead people makes great sleigh, I just wanted to try, that's all, no harm done!

31. Ok, I shot those cops but, hey, we all dream about this! Don't tell me firing at those mustache-sporting bastards never came to your mind!

30 through 21[edit]

30. Your honor, I absolutely did that shit, but you gotta understand man, I was sooo high when I did that shit.

29. Lawyer: How much money would you like the defendants, Mr. and Mrs. McElroy, to give you in this civil case for your damages?

Witness: I need about tree-fiddy.

28. But Enron got away with it for years! I only did one year.

27. I plead self-defense! The Girl Scout was going to kill me! That box of Tagalongs was a bomb, I tell you!

26. The voices... TOLD me to burn it...

25. Hi, can we get this done quickly? I have some evidence to burn at home.

24. Your honour, this case can be explained with a fairy tale. I'd like to tell the tale of 'Little Red Raping Hood'...

23. I blame it on the boogie!

22. It's not my fault, it was just really bad drugs I was doing earlier.

21. Is what the defendant TOLD me her age was...

20 through 11[edit]

20. I'll give you an honorable discharge, if you know what I mean.

19. Where did I get the child porn? Dammit, I can't break rules one and two!

19. IS it just mei or disk u satr that was ti ok........

18. Are you familiar with the musical stylings of.. showaddywaddy?

17. My name is Phoenix Wright. OBJECTION!

16. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I am serving as counsel for the state in this murder trial. Also, I'm not sure if you care about this, if this even matters, or if any relevance whatsoever surrounds this fact, but I shot the murder victim with a .38 caliber rifle and buried her body in the defendant's backyard, and the defendant is completely, totally, 100% innocent. Just throwing it out there. Anyway...

15. The preponderance of the evidence states that we must prove that opposing counsel is a douchebag.

14. My response to your objection? You're a little bitch.

13. The truth? You can't handle the truth! You can't handle that I raped and killed the victim and am 100% guilty!

12. Prosecution? More like prostitution! I rest my case.

11. Where'd I get my law degree, you ask? I found it inside a box of Fruity Pebbles. Better than the whistles they usually give you.

10 through 1[edit]

10. If da glove don't fit, you must acquit... and dont tell no boday.

9. Hello, I'm a black man.

8. And then, as I saw the murder, I ran out of the room, like this! (He runs out of the courtroom)

7. I'm gonna take the bar exam again later. Not to become a lawyer, I just want to see how long I can hold my booze.

6. My name is Robert Kardashian, and all my daughters are sluts. So this football playing guy didn't kill anyone...

5. I'm from Liverpool.

4. Oh, by the way, Judge, a guy was looking for you. I think his name was Myfriendsaregay. First name, Alaf.

3. (While on trial for rape to the jury) Your confusion for my actions is not rational. She is a healthy female of breeding age.

2. I would like to thank the jury of my peers for coming today to support me.

1. To the drunken hicks of the jury...