Dear Toronto Star,

We couldn't help but notice that you quoted one of our songs on the front page of your fine newspaper the other day. You then went on to call us “an obscure comedy troupe”. How can we be obscure when we are on the front page of the most important paper in Canada!? We believe, in our minds, that we are more famous than… oh, let’s say… Colm Feore, and he’s playing Trudeau in a CBC movie for God’s sake!

Hey, thanks for the publicity, but we don’t hate you. Sure, a lot of people in Canada do, but not us. However, if you want to know why Toronto is reviled across the country, we suggest you look no further than your own article.

"The Toronto Song" is just a wacky little tune about how narrow-minded our fellow Albertans can be. By the end of the song, we have gone from hating Toronto to hating every single province and territory in Canada, except Alberta, but including Calgary. You opened your article by quoting the song out of context and then suggesting that the Dead Trolls themselves dislike Toronto. If that isn't manipulating the facts in order to whine about being a victim, we don't know what is. We don’t hate Toronto, we never did. We may hate certain reviewers in Toronto newspapers, but hell, so do most Torontonians.

Your article was essentially about the fact that your little world-class city wants some money. Hey, good for you. Go for it. Set up an online “PayPal” account and we’ll throw in 50 bucks. It’s the least we can do for all the obscurity you’ve brought us.

Once upon a time, we made the stupid mistake of opening our 5 episode CBC TV series with "The Toronto Song", and that pretty much kept our asses off TV for the last 11 years. We were reviewed positively by almost every major paper in Canada...except for three: The Toronto Star, The Toronto Sun, and The Globe and Mail. Your newspaper, in particular wrote that we were “…the worst thing the CBC has ever foisted on an unsuspecting public….” And this was AFTER “Mosquito Lake”. More recently we brought our play, “PileDriver!” - about a troupe of gay professional wrestlers - to your town. The play somehow went from receiving 4-star reviews in Winnipeg and Edmonton to 1-star reviews in Toronto. And this was AFTER “Mama Mia” opened.

Thankfully, the internet has removed Toronto-centrism from the Canadian entertainment industry, and we currently sell a hell of a lot more CDs in the States and England than we do in Canada. We may be obscure, but we’ve had over 1.7 million downloads of our stuff from and pocketed a fistful of digital electronic loonies without ever “making it” in Toronto.

Canadians (and Torontonians) are a pretty intelligent and self-effacing bunch. In fact, when we perform "The Toronto Song" in Ontario, the audiences understand that the song is satirizing xenophobic Albertans, not them (except for one show in London, when a college audience threw creamers at us). If you’re going to complain about how much everybody hates you, don’t use us as your example. We think you’re kinda cute Toronto, albeit in an “overly-dramatic-tragic-hero” kinda way.

Wes Borg, Neil Grahn, Joe Bird
Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie