Friday 7 September 2018

Twitter ban forces InfoWars’ Alex Jones to go door-to-door selling conspiracy theories

Alex Jones selling conspiracy theories door to door

As Twitter finally banned controversial conspiracy theorist Alex Jones from their platform, America’s finest moron-baiter has been forced to start selling his conspiracies door-to-door.

Jones was banned from Twitter, along with YouTube, Facebook, Spotify and iTunes in what many are seeing as “a perfectly sensible move in an attempt to remove harmful fake conspiracy nonsense from our lives.”

Media consultant Chuck Matthews told us, “I’ve always thought of Alex Jones as one of those travelling salesmen from the Wild West, arriving in a new town with tall tales of how he was hounded out of the last town because his mind pills were too effective. Well, now he can go back to his roots.

“He claims that InfoWars is a legitimate news organisation. But what other news organisation spends large chunks of their airtime convincing you to buy a range overprice supplements that claim to improve your brain functions?

“He’s actually in the business of shifting snake oil to simpletons, and he knows an audience of willing conspiracy theorists is more likely to convert into paying customers. If you can ignore the harmful nonsense he spouts, you can appreciate it as a solid business strategy.

Jones recently knocked on the door of Austin resident, Sharon Williams, who told us, “Yes, he knocked on my door this afternoon and the first thing he said was ‘did you know the water is turning the frogs gay?’.

“I thought it was a joke, but then he started talking about Sandy Hook being fake and how the kids we saw on TV were crisis actors. Well, that was enough for me.

“If he’d been selling dusters or vacuum cleaners I might have been interested, but not this pathologically evil nonsense. I tried to shut the door on him so I could get on with my day, but then he started screaming through the letterbox about the benefits of something called BrainForce Plus – that’s when I called the police.”

Jones himself has spoken about his new strategy, telling us, “My Twitter following might have reached millions, but there is no way for the liberal establishment elite to stop me screaming my important messages through the doors of literally dozens of American homes every single day.

“And nothing beats the thrill of converting a conspiracy theorist face-to-face. Why do you think the Mormons still do it?”

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