May 13, 2016

Religion versus Spirituality, Science versus Spirituality, Body/Matter versus Spirit, Spiritual/Astral Body or Sukshma/Ativahika Sharira, Belief/Perception versus Reality, Chit versus Jada, Mind versus Pure Mind, Maya, Goal of Spirituality; Shoonya, Shunya, The Great Void, Nothingness, DNA vs Kundalini DNA

What is religion or Dharma?
Dharma means Kaaya-Vaacha-Manasa Karma. In other words religion means a set of activities to be/not to be performed by the body, speech, and mind. Belief in God/Divinity/Scripture is a mental activity.

What is spirituality or Adhyatma?
A super-normal principle resides in all of us, which is called by various names -- spirit, Atma, soul, etc. Spirituality or aadhyatma is about realizing this supernormal principle.

Common sense: If all the followers of all the religions of the world were to stop practicing religion, then all the religions of the world would be dead. We don’t need a religion to live, but without a spirit, we are all dead as a dodo.

All the good religions of the world are founded, based, and dependent on spirituality. In other words, all the religious teachings/ideas/concepts are based on the spiritual teachings of the ancient Self-realized/Enlightened Seers. Therefore, spirituality is the master of all religions. Spirituality is independent of all religions.

Even an atheist who doesn't believe in any religion or a person who practices a religion that condemns meditation can also have the following spiritual experiences if he/she is spiritual:

Our Spirit can be experienced and has the same characteristics as mentioned by the ancient Seers. Knowledge of our Spirit/Soul also leads to understanding the reality of the Cosmos and Creation.

Different religions were born due to rightly or wrongly understanding the ancient Seers' knowledge of the Spirit/Soul/Cosmos/Creation. In other words, the reason for different religions is due to understanding, misunderstanding, misinterpreting, or manipulating the ancient Seers' knowledge.

This is the reason why we have so many religions. As mentioned above, religion is about physical/mental activities. Spirituality starts when all our physical and mental activities become SILENT. When there is physical and mental silence, spiritual and super-conscious activities begin and we realize the supernormal principle that lies in us.

This supernormal principle is called variously: Spirit/Soul, spiritual/astral/ethereal body (Sukshma/Ativahika Sharira), Shuddha Chitta/Manas (pure/spiritual mind), Chit (Spirit, Spiritual Consciousness or Awareness), Saakshi (Witness), Jnaata or Kshetrajna (Knower), Drashta (Seer), etc.

Thus, we have two realities--physical and spiritual. The ancient Seers called our physical nature/reality as Jada (physical body or matter) and our spiritual nature/reality as Chit (spiritual body/mind/consciousness or spirit). They said that the spirit gets attached/entangled to a physical form due to Chit-Jada Granthi (spirit-matter entanglement/attachment or knots of the heart).

The Seers said that the goal of spirituality is to loosen, detach, or separate Chit (Spiritual Body) from Jada (Physical Body) and  get liberated from all the wrong beliefs, ignorance, activities, sufferings, and limitations of the physical body-mind complex.

My experiences relevant to this post:
1) I saw a spiritual body floating up in a cloudy sky. I heard some dogs howl. I woke up. The dogs were howling. I realized I had been sleep-meditating. I rushed outside my room. The dogs were howling looking toward the building I was staying at. They stopped howling when they saw me. I looked up at the sky. It was cloudy and exactly the same as I had just seen! My room was in the first floor of a 3-storey lodge. (Ordinary dogs seem to know much more about us than all types of past/present scientists put together.)
2) I witnessed my ethereal or astral body sitting and meditating. This body is entirely different than anyone has ever read or imagined.
3) I experienced that I have no body and that I was unborn; there was kind of darkness everywhere. I regained my body consciousness, only then did I know that I had been meditating.
4) I witnessed a brightness or whiteness everywhere, I turned in all directions, and it was the same everywhere. There was nothing apart from this brightness – no objects, no body (not even any spiritual body).
5) From a distance, I watched my physical body lying, sleeping, and snoring.
Rutam/Ritam or Sanatana Dharma (the Great Cosmic Principle or the Eternal Laws of Pinda (oneself/Chit and Jada) and Brahmanda (Cosmos/Creation) As Per Scriptures and Brahmajnanis (Seers):
1) Chit (spiritual body) has taken up Jada (physical body).
2) Jada will age, decay, and die whereas Chit will never age, decay, or die.
3) Upon the death of an Ajnani/Baddha (ignorant, one who has not loosened all the knots of the spiritual heart), his/her spirit/Chit will will take birth in a new physical body based on Karma and many other variables.
4) Upon the death of a Jnaani/Mukta (one who has loosened all the knots of the spiritual heart), his/her Chit will remain in its pure singular form, without rebirth.

Chit is invisible, unquantifiable, or unknowable and cannot be experienced by Ajnaanis or Baddhas because of the knots of the heart. The Chit (Spirit or Consciousnesscan be experienced only through Kundalini awakening. Those who have not had Kundalini awakening will not know anything about the existence of a spiritual body/spirit/Chit.

Ordinary people and scientists say since the spirit/Chit is not visible, is not measurable with their Jada (matter, scientific) instruments, or since it is not experienced with their physical senses/mind, it does not exist. Such limited, incomplete, or one-sided knowledge was called as Maya by the Jnaanis (Seers).

Vedic Reality/Mantra about Initial Creation:
Om Kham Brahma or Ahm Kham Brahm: There was just an empty space (Kham, Akasha) and a conscious being (Brahm, Chit). Then It thought—generation of a vibration (OM/AUM/AHM/AHAM/Supreme Sound/Vibration). Vibrations/waves become matter and vice versa.
Thus, the empty space (kham, akasha) due to the vibrations/waves (om/ahm) of the consciousness (Brahm, Chit) metamorphosed into the veritable cosmos with all the universes, galaxies, planets, living and non-living beings, you and me, etc., with some guiding principles/laws. This is called Ritam or Sanatana Dharma (The Great Cosmic Principle/The Eternal Laws of Nature). Just like Pancha Prana (5 types of vital breaths) which enables us to perform various activities, this Supreme Sound/Vibration Om gives movement and direction to everything in this cosmos. The variety in the cosmos is due the Supreme Sound vibrating in different frequencies.

To know about OM/AUM/AHM/AHAM, click:

Brahmajnani: The empty space (Akasha, kham) with just the Consciousness (Brahm, Chit) without the veritable cosmos (Om) is called:
  • Shoonya/Shunya/Akinchan/Nasti Kinchan (The Great Void, Nothingness, Emptiness)
  • Eka (One) or Advitiya/Advaya/Advaita (One without a second, Nondual) Principle of Consciousness.
  • Avyakta (Unmanifest State), Ajanma (Unborn State) etc., of the Cosmos with Just Pure Consciousness/Awareness/Mindfulness.
Veda/Vedanta, spiritual scriptures, and many other religious scriptures are full of such terms or adjectives for the same One Reality, which is nothing but our own unthinkable reality that can be experienced only through Kundalini awakening.

The goal of religion, spirituality, and meditation: To realize our own reality.

Food for thought: In my No. 3 and No. 4 meditation experiences mentioned above, there was no Supreme Sound heard. If the Supreme Sound or the cosmic vibrations were to stop or change their frequencies, perhaps there would be a cosmic change/dissolution (Pralaya as mentioned in the ancient scriptures).

No scientist, no researcher, no doctor, nobody knew what DNA was. Only Kundalini awakened people knew what it was. Kundalini awakened people realized that Kundalini is a natural physical+spiritual phenomena, DNA being the physical Kundalini energy.

Modern: DNA
Ancient DNA
Medical science is about the body-mind complex made up of DNA/Physical Kundalini energy. The below ancient insignia is not created by modern scientists, doctors, or researchers. Modern medical science has its roots in ancient medical knowledge.
All sciences emerged when people started investigating age-old truths and beliefs. All natural elements and natural principles existed before. People just discovered them recently, and they called it science. Water was H2 + 0 always. People recently discovered/found H2 + 0 principle. Similarly, Kundalini was/is/will be always there. Nobody knows when scientists are going to find it out.

No scientist knows Kundalini science or spiritual science because they neither meditated nor had any real meditation experiences. Even if they tried meditation and experienced Kundalini directly, they cannot prove it to others through evidence. But yes, they can tell you how to experience the phenomenon called Kundalini.

We have political science, behavioral science, creation science, social science, domestic science, earth science, exact science, library science, materials science, policy science, soil science, etc. Similarly, we have Kundalini science and spiritual science, which not many know because it can only be directly experienced. When theology can become a science and cooking can become both an art and science, then why can't meditation become an art and Kundalini a science? Many scientists talk about global warming and many about global cooling. So what is the actual science?

If you follow certain rules of meditation, Kundalini and spirituality, within a short period of time, you will not only experience Kundalini but also your own inner spirit/spiritual reality. Then you will not seek any scientific explanations from anybody.

Brahmajnani: "As you cut and discard the head and tail of some vegetables before eating them, take only the essence, good and useful portions of a scripture."
"No Brahmajnana (Self-Realization, Self-Knowledge) Without Meditation and Spiritual Experiences in Meditation."

Beware of all types of gurus who teach lies about religion, meditation, and spirituality:

Warning: Religion, spirituality, and meditation are fraught with dangers. I know persons who have been reading scriptures for the last 50 years and are still reading them trying to understand the reality about themselves (I am not talking about gurus, preachers, or professionals who benefit from bookish knowledge of religion and spirituality). There are some persons who have read all the scriptures of all the religions of the world and now say that they spend sleepless nights as the information of the scriptures "burns inside their heads." What is the use of learning a maze of words if they lead you to nowhere or back to square one? 
What you basically need to understand is that without meditation and meditation experiences, everything in religion and spirituality remains a second-hand knowledge, either read, heard, or thought about. So meditate.

WARNING: It's okay if you don’t meet a Brahmajnani (Self-realized Seer) or realize yourself in this life, but never ever meet or follow a BHRAMjnaani (fake guru who will make you delusional).  If you do, then you will suffer your entire life.
Shubhamastu – Let Good Happen to You!


Achintya Idam said...

More often than not, atrocities against humanity are committed in the name of religion. History is filled with religious murders, wars, conquests, inquests, and wiping out of tribes, communities, societies, civilizations. Religious supremacists kill people belonging to other religions (non-believers) and think that they have done an honorable job. They don't realize that if people of other religions develop a similar murderous mindset toward them, they would be killed before they kill others. If all the people of all the religions develop such a mindset, humanity can be wiped out easily. Currently, we have sects within a religion killing each other (ISIS); tomorrow it may be subsects, later it may be families turning against their neighbors for worthless religious differences.

Terrorists are brainwashed religious fanatics. Any person who can be brainwashed must be weak. Suicide bombing/lone-wolf attack is not a noble act guaranteeing rewards in afterlife. Suicide is the act of the weak, the sign of the coward. A terrorist is equal to a scheming fox. Scheming like a fox is not heroism. Nobody has seen a religious leader blowing himself up—he'll just brainwash others to blow themselves up. We have seen such brainwashing leaders run for their dear lives during trying times. All religious leaders live a lavish lifestyle, and whoever lives a lavish lifestyle clings to his/her dear life and values his/her body more than his/her god/religion. The tongue has no bones, hence it can be twisted any way. It is said that if you want to know the character of a guru, you should never pay attention to what he says but always watch his activities not only during the day but also during the night. People should cultivate spirit of enquiry so that they get rid of blind faith and avoid getting brainwashed and being used by shrewd/clever religious leaders/gurus. Many world leaders and world managers also seem to be shrewd schemers.

You will never find a spiritual person becoming a terrorist or a murderer, and no spiritual person can become a schemer. (I am not talking about wolves in sheep's clothing self-proclaimed spiritual people.)

Some religions are shut for others because the leaders/gurus/practitioners of such religions feel that they are special people and the rest of the humanity is ordinary and expendable. Such supremacists may scheme to get rid of the expendables.

Spiritual people do not believe in religious or any other supremacy, and they don't categorize people as ordinary or extraordinary based on religion, race, caste, etc.

Everybody says their god/faith/religion/religious teacher is the best and that others' god/religion/religious teacher must be condemned because they are bad. What does it mean? It means all the gods/religions/religious teachers can both be good and bad. Depending on a person's views, a particular religion can be good or bad. Quantum theory. We definitely don't need quantum theory to live a happy and peaceful life. Religion can also be unimportant and it can be a theory as well.

What about spirituality then, is it also theory? If you meditate and have real meditation experiences, you will know for sure that spirituality is not theory and religion is the offspring of spirituality.

The truth about religion is that it is an outcome of the teachings of ancient spiritual people. Many religions have misinterpreted/misunderstood/manipulated the teachings/ideas of the spiritual people (spirituality). DIVERSE RELIGIOUS IDEAS ARE DUE TO SPIRITUAL IGNORANCE. Scientists took/are taking directions from the wisdom/teachings of the ancient spiritual people. Some scientists acknowledged this truth but many did not. Google "quantum physics veda."


Achintya Idam said...


Spiritual ignorance or lack of spirit of enquiry leads to blind faith in religions that turns into religious hatred resulting in religious atrocities. Unless spirituality takes over religion, history of religious atrocities will repeat. Hate-mongering/unscientific/unspiritual religions/religious teachers are the most dangerous.

Religious and spiritual practices are karmas. Right karma leads to good results, wrong karma leads to bad results. You need to use common sense to differentiate between right and wrong. Ignorance is evil and leads to wrongdoing (bad karma) that results in bad karmic reaction. Very few people will understand where, when, and how karma has started/will start yielding results.

People should live a happy and peaceful life. People who live happily and peacefully can easily make others' lives happy and peaceful; such people will ultimately have a happy and peaceful afterlife due to their good karma. People who make others unhappy will also live an unhappy life here and hereafter.

For normal humane beings who do not differentiate between people based on religion, caste, race, nationality, sect, language, social status, education, etc., the following is the best philosophy of karma while dealing with people:

Do good to good people.
Don't do good to bad people.
Don't do bad to good people.
Do bad to bad people.

Doing good to good people = Good Karma.
Doing good to bad people = Bad Karma.
Doing bad to good people = Bad Karma.
Doing bad to bad people = Good Karma.

People with Bad Karma never progress in spirituality.

It's okay if you don't want to do bad to bad people but never let bad people do bad to you or others.

Shubhamastu = Let Good Happen To You!

Achintya Idam said...

Question: What is Dharmism or Dharma? Should one practice religion to be spiritual or to awaken Kundalini?
Answer: There are 2 meanings of Dharma.
1. Dharma is Kaaya-Vaacha-Manasa Karma.
In other words Dharma means a set of activities to be performed and not to be performed through the body, speech, and/or mind. Belief in God/divinity/scripture/ism is a mental activity.
This Dharma refers to religion. There are different Dharmisms, Dharmas, or religions.
These Dharmas or religions can be understood by our mind.
People lay down the rules, do’s and don’ts in this Dharma.
Any Tom, Dick, and Harry can know and explain this Dharma.

2. Dharma also means The Great Cosmic Order/The Eternal Laws of Nature/Natural Laws of Pinda (Body) and Brahmanda (Cosmos).
This Dharma refers to the activities of The Great Cosmic Order/Principle.
This Dharma can be understood only through our spiritual mind/consciousness.
People do not lay down any rules here. Rather, people just follow the rules of this Great Eternal Dharma/Cosmic Order knowingly or unknowingly.
Maybe only 10 in a billion (per century/millennium) will know this Dharma through direct experiential knowledge via deep meditation/Samadhi.
This is where spirituality comes into the picture.
When all the activities of the body and mind become SILENT, the spiritual and super-conscious activities will begin. Such spiritual and super-conscious activities give a glimpse of this Great Cosmic Dharma, and eventually, a complete practical knowledge of this Great Dharma.

When you start having real meditation/Kundalini/spiritual experiences, you will get initiated into this Great Eternal Cosmic Dharma with/without your will.


Achintya Idam said...

If you have any one of the following experiences, then know for sure that you will definitely succeed in experiencing your true Supernatural Spiritual Self in this very life.

Shubhamastu = Let Good Happen To You!

Ramakrishna N V said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Achintya Idam said...

I have already mentioned somewhere that you should have Vyavahara Jnana (Working worldly knowledge, knowledge to deal rightly with different people and different situations). Deal with Kushalata (Prudence, tactfulness). Use common sense and presence of mind. If you have gone on a vacation/picnic to a tourist spot, you should enjoy your time in that place rather than start meditating there or talking spirituality with whoever you meet in that place. If you have gone to a different place for a particular work, you should concentrate on finishing your job rather than diverting your energies thinking about unnecessary stuffs, including meditation and spirituality.


The problem with all spiritual aspirants is that they read biographies/books of real and fake gurus, which detail exaggerated pure/chaste/out of the world/extraordinary 24/7 spiritual lifestyle and very hard Sadhana/penance/tapasya of the gurus. Some books talk of gurus who never talked anything apart from spiritual stuffs. By reading such books, spiritual aspirants feel that to have spiritual knowledge they MUST practice the guru's lifestyle (as mentioned in the books). They feel that they should think spirituality, walk spirituality, talk spirituality.... 24/7. All these are lies and will create unnecessary relationship/social problems. What people don't understand is that all real enlightened people lived a very ordinary life (talking mundane things, doing mundane things, etc); it's only that the disciples/followers exaggerated their lifestyles after their guru's death.

It would be a folly to talk about spirituality with people who aren't spiritual or don't want spirituality.


DANDAM DASHAGUNAM BHAVET = Reprimanding or punishing a bad/wicked person helps develop 10 good qualities in that person. If a guru can help a disciple develop 10 good qualities by beating him/her with a stick, then that's good karma.

Shubhamastu = Let Good Happen To You!

Ramakrishna N V said...

Thank you.

Achintya Idam said...

Secret and sacred Truth: Spirituality is the higher reality of YOUR existence. Any religion that doesn't talk about YOU and YOUR Self-realization/Self-knowledge/Supreme Spiritual Self/Spiritual Enlightenment/Freedom/Liberation is far from spirituality. Any religion that doesn't talk about meditation is also far from spirituality.
Like it or not/Believe it or not: In the long run, a religion which is far from spirituality will become USELESS to you. It will adversely affect your spiritual evolution. THE PURPOSE OF LIFE IS SPIRITUAL EVOLUTION.

Achintya Idam said...

Science vs Spirituality:
Nothing is under your control, neither the body, nor the mind; try stopping your breath for 10 minutes — YOU CAN'T. Nature is not under your control; you are under the control of nature. The only thing you can do in this life is give limited (only a little) direction to your body, speech, and mental activities. You only put food in your mouth, chew it, and push it down your throat. The rest is not in your control.

Spiritual body is beyond the scope of science. Science is nothing but scientists (normal people after all) explaining natural phenomena in some special language, jargon, words, numbers, symbols, formulas, etc. All scientific knowledge emerged when people started investigating the age-old truths/beliefs. Nobody on earth knows all the natural phenomena.There are many natural activities taking place which we are not conscious/aware of. What majority do not know but only a few people know becomes SUPERNATURAL/PARANORMAL. In all parts of the world, people have experienced/heard of such phenomena but science/scientists want objective evidence/proof. Science is about proof/proving. Spirituality is about experience/experiencing. Science/scientists fall under the majority, and spirituality/spiritual people fall under the minority.

Everyone during his/her lifetime gets a hint or two about the existence of spiritual bodies.

It is said that everyone experiences sleep paralysis once or twice in their lifetime. In sleep paralysis, you can't even open/close/blink your eyes but just witness/experience/be aware of your helpless state. You will struggle to move your body but you can't. You may feel that you are short of breath but that's due to fear and not real. You may experience the presence of something/somebody that's trying to harm you by pulling, dragging, lifting, suffocating, throwing/striking/beating with hands/objects, etc. Some people may have out of body experiences as if they are hovering near the roof. You may feel that you are speaking, shouting, crying, screaming but your voice will not be heard by anybody; if there are others around you, they can only hear your nasal moaning "hmmm, ooom, uuuum." After sometime of such struggling, you will gain control over your body, move it, and get up. Doctors call all these as hallucinations and sleep paralysis as a medical condition, but it's a phenomenon related to spiritual bodies. You should not worry about sleep paralysis. You will never die of breathlessness during sleep paralysis.

When you experience repetitive sleep paralysis:
Tell your family/friends/persons to just touch or gently shake you whenever they hear you moan during sleep. As soon as somebody touches you, you will regain body control.
Try moving your little finger/s until you gain control of your body.
Sleep in the fetal position on your right side.
Avoid placing your hands on your chest while sleeping.
Wash your genital area and wear washed undergarments before going to sleep.
Sleep with a clenched fist (press your thumb against your palm and then clench your fist) if you are too scared of sleep paralysis.
If you experience sleep paralysis during the middle of the night and don't want to go to sleep again out of fear, don't worry nothing will happen to you. You can light an incense stick if you are too scared.
Don't feel anxious, don't panic. You will not die. These are not hallucinations. Don't start taking antidepressants/psychiatric meditations.

If people just knew a little about spirituality and spiritual bodies, then sleep paralysis would have been considered common, normal, natural phenomena related to spiritual bodies. Older generations would have taught the younger ones how to deal with such strange but common phenomenon.

Spirituality and meditation help us consciously know many secret natural phenomena.

Anonymous said...

Sir please explain what is illusions and what is reality???i am new to meditation and spirituality so i end up with wrong can i experience blissfulness

Ramakrishna N said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Dayan Gunathilaka said...

Hi Sir,

After I red your article, I could realize what is actually kundalini yoga, I have been doing some meditation which concentrate on tip of the nose for a long period of time. after few days i my third eye got pain, but i did it continuously, after all I use to bhastrika and kapalabathi anuloviloma, now I feel severe headche, i consulted from many doctors but they said i dont have any disease.

what should I do?


Achintya Idam said...

Hi Dayan,
Stop all kinds of pranayama and meditations. Avoid seeing TV, movies, internet, etc., until your headache is gone. Apply camphor oil (coconut + camphor) to your scalp. Keep yourself physically active during the day and take a long walk during the evening, so that you get good sleep during the night. Avoid alcohol, cigarettes. It may take a couple of months to get rid of your headache.
Shubhamastu = Let Good Happen To You!

vnavin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Achintya Idam said...

Hi Navin,
Read all the posts of this blog.
Shubhamastu - Let Good Happen To You!

Unknown said...

Sir hour explantion abt every thing is excellent for a beginner .i listen to pravachanams of telugu pandit he gives excellent speeches abt vedas shatras..i belive in god but due to unsuccessful in my career people say i act like devotee blah blah in all phrases every relation i failed..before 5 yrs i nvr use single bad word againt any one who harmed me deeply but fed up with people talks and my life feeling god is not listening to my cry or pooja i developed anger which iam trying to get rid but in vain now i usebad words easily irritated reacts against who behaves badly with me..i do meditate every thing ok but anger not getting year back i experienced at my shoulder to spine pain moving down and up...i used to show and tell my husband see some thing moving as it movies the pain moves what is that plz tell..that time to control only my anger i use to do mantra meditation..becoz of full financial problms i can not continue it concenrrate as i have small kid now again started mantra meditation again few days before night i expereince some sharp jerk in spine down to upward neck i got concious but i was waiting lets see wat happens next...i was sleeping to right side my left part lifted up and leaved its a jerk again hands got warm..this meditation also again to control anger is not to scold my hubby as he hide so many imp things and come at last asking for help he tel max lies which are useless silly.he is selfish...i want to leave him as he is...dont want to scold bad words..what to do to control my anger and not to scold him plssss suggest

Achintya Idam said...

Hi U,
COMMON SENSE: Religion or spirituality doesn't give financial or material benefits unless it is your profession (you get money/benefits from disciples, devotees, followers, etc., only if you are a guru, sadguru, saadhvi, pundit, priest, mulla, maulvi, bhante, abbot, nun/father/brother/sister, religious/spiritual healer/teacher, zen master, etc.) On the contrary, you will lose by paying the well-off religious/spiritual professionals.

If belief in god, crying/pooja/mantra/meditation, not using bad words avoids failures or gives success, then everybody would have happily done these things without working hard to succeed. Do you know the hardships and dangers the migrant laborers (cities/abroad) go through to earn a living? These villagers are the most religious people and have unwavering belief in god even after going through difficulties/hardships everyday for as long as they have lived (and will live).

"anger..use bad words.. easily irritated...shoulder to spine pain moving down and up.. left part lifted up and leaved its a jerk again hands got warm.." STOP whatever meditation you are doing. Check your BP. Maybe see a gynecologist.

Be rational, be practical because over-religious and over-spiritual people tend to have a lot of misconceptions about god/religion/guru/spirituality/fate/karma/supernatural stuffs, etc., and lose touch with the reality of the present, the working of the world, and the ever-changing relationship equations, expectations, and limitations.

Probably pravachans about avoiding anger/harsh or bad words, speaking good/sweet words, living/behaving in a certain good way, etc., made you suppress/store your anger and other natural emotions/reactions like the water stored in a dam. As the water bursts forth when the sluice gates open, your pent up/suppressed/held back/stored from a long time emotions (anger, etc.) have burst forth as they have got an opening/outlet now. Or may be like the water overflows from a dam when it is full, your capacity/limit for suppressing/holding back of emotions is over/full and they are overflowing now. This is what is happening with you and it is natural.

Anger and other emotions (dislike, fear, hatred, grief, embarrassment, dissatisfaction, disappointment, expectation) are natural real emotions which should not be suppressed and an angry person is not a bad person.

Pause, retrospect, introspect, and assess your situation from a third person's, stranger's, and your kid's point of view. I am sure you are wise enough to take the right decision about the present and the future.

Shubhamastu = Let Good Happen To You!