Funnies from For the Record, Inc.

Q  I am going to go over the same things I did with Mr. Smith, just mainly because I bill by the hour.


THE ATTORNEY:  You’ve got to wait for me to finish.  I know my questions are pretty simple and straightforward, but the court reporter is going to stab you in the face if you don’t wait a couple of seconds.

THE COURT REPORTER:  It’s happened before.

THE ATTORNEY:  I’ve seen it.


Do you ever artificially rupture man brains [membranes] yourself?


What kind of physical activities, where your wife was involved, would you have done together before your wife’s surgery?
Physical activities?
Some people like to go on pontoon boats.  Some people like to fish together.  I’m trying to think of what my wife and I like to do together.  I’m stumped.


You say you’re on the computer.  Are you a Facebook person?
Not much.
Are you on that?
I’m on Facebook, yes.
But you’re not addicted to it like the kids?
No.  Actually, I usually look up my daughter’s to see what she is doing.
MR. SMITH:  Me too.
And she’s 28.
I think they have a name for that.  It’s called stalking your kids on Facebook.
Well, it took her about four years before she’d let me be her friend.


Q   Just to describe for the record, when you said she did this, you appeared to have both of your hands on the steering wheel and then kind of gritted your teat [teeth]?


          MR. JOHNSON:  Make sure you wait until he’s finished, and that’s as a courtesy to the court reporter.  Okay?  You guys are talking over each other a little bit.
MR. SCOTT:  Or that sharp pain in your leg you will feel will probably be from the reporter.  She wears — yeah, she’s got the special court reporter shoes on.  Usually they’re steel-tipped too.


MR. KESSEL:  Make sure you let her finish the question.
THE WITNESS:  Oh, I’m sorry.
MR. KESSEL:  Or Lindsey will take her wrath out on all of us.


Q  What is your wife’s name?
Her real name or what I would like to call her?
I think given that this is a PG-13 show, that we will just go with her real name.


Where did you meet?
At a bowling alley.
Romance strikes again.


MR. SMITH:  As good as our court reporter is, our nods of the head and waving of the hands as we normally use in typical conversation don’t transcribe too well in the record, unless you do something obscene, and then it’s quite clear.


Q I know that you’re responding because you want to be cooperative. You do have to wait until the end of my question so that poor Brande here can get a question and an answer. We’re only here to serve Brande.
A Yes, sir.

Q Are you currently on any medication, over-the-counter or prescription, for your neck or chest?
A Mostly just over-the-counter. I take usually Back & Body, bareback and body [Bayer Back & Body] or Tylenol.

Q What is the sex room? Larry wanted to know about the sex room.
MR. SMITH: The court reporter said she wants to know.
MR. JONES: Everybody wants to know about the sex room.

Q Did your injuries cause you to miss work as a nurse?
A I missed one day, and then I couldn’t work on the floor after it happened for about a month. I was a sitter, so I had to sit with people who were confused.
Q Like you’re doing today?
A Yeah, pretty much.

Q. And as part of the gastric bypass surgery, did they make an incision in that area?
A. Above it, way above that area. They made the incision from here to here. Some of it was removed with the tummy tuck, so you can’t see the full extent. They took out some of that scarring, it was a little lower, and then they put the belly button back in.
Q. You’ve got to have something to play with.

Q Do you understand that you have to answer my question with an oral response versus an uh-uh or a shoulder slug [shrug]?

Q. Apparently you have a goal of getting enough queers [years] into the military to receive benefits; would that be a fair statement?

Q. Was he accurate in terms of you were able to be intimate but he had some issues with what positions he could be in?
A. Yes.
Q. Do you agree with the time frame that he gave? Maybe it was about a year that that was a bit of a problem?
A. It seemed to me like it was longer, but I wasn’t taking notes.
Q. Thank God for small favors.
A Yes. There was one simple problem that he would — before the accident I would lay on his shoulder, and that was — we couldn’t do that for probably the whole time.
MR. ROBERTS: Just to clarify, you’re not talking about a sexual issue with regard to laying on his shoulder?
THE WITNESS: No, no. Just snuggling.
MS. JONES: No clarification needed.
MR. ROBERTS: I don’t want you to be confused.
THE WITNESS: Nothing kinky.

Q What do you do to autopsy [occupy] yourself now?

Q The question was you’re not certified as a law enforcement officer; is that correct?
A Object to form.
MR. JONES: You don’t get to object to form.

Q. How long can you ride in a car before you have to stop and get up and stretch?
A. About 45 minutes, and that’s pushing it, but generally I’ll take my trauma doll [tramadol] and my pain patches and wear those, and I also bring my TENS unit.

Q You have to say yes or no for the court reporter.
A Yes.
Q She is very nice, but she can turn on you at a moment’s notice.

Q And do you have any ongoing discomfort in your shoulder girlies [girdles]?

Q What exactly is that? Is it a shed?
A It’s a mobile chicken coop.
Q What’s kept in there?
A Chickens, when they’re there. Right now they’re in my freezer.
Q Sometimes attorneys ask bad questions, and the court reporters keep track of funny things attorneys say. That will have to go in there. Of course there’s chickens; it’s a chicken coop.

Q. After you realized you were not dead, you got back in your car and pulled over to the side of the road?
A Yes.

Q And how are temporary lockups done in the barracks?
A We wait for the inmate to come out to what we call the salad fork [sally port].

THE COURT: Thank you very much, sir. You may be executed [excused].

Q Your dad during this video sounds like he has a little bit of experience in the construction trades; is that correct?
A No, that is not correct.
Q So if he just sounds like it, he’s just making good conversation on the video, correct?
MR. SMITH: Wait a minute. What he sounds like to you has nothing to do with anything.
MR. JONES: Just use your Oprah objection.
MR. SMITH: Objection, Oprah. Go ahead, answer it if you can.

Q How long have you been married?
A It seems like really long.
Q Sure.
A It was September 2003.

Q Sheryl, with your job since 1991 have you been getting an anal [annual] bonus?

Q You were alone in your vehicle at the time?
A Yes, personwise. I had my four dogs in the back. But peoplewise I was by myself.
THE COURT REPORTER: Off the record.
Submitted by our dog lover Barb Ulrich, RPR.

Q If I understand what you’re saying, the only numbness you ever experienced in that area was in your hand and primarily in the thumb and the first index finger?
A Correct.
MR. JONES: I would like to note for the record that my client doesn’t have a second index finger.

A And you can ask me from now until we get so hungry we start cannibalizing each other, and that’s all I’m going to tell you.
Q Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.
A So keep on going, keep on, keep on asking me. Let’s keep it going here.
Q Leaving taste aside, I think I am going to make a better meal than Bill, though. He is a little bit slimmer than me.
A Well, I don’t know, you look like you’ve got more fat on you than he does.
Q I do. But thanks for noticing.

Q Your son would have been conceived approximately November of 2001?
A No.
Q When did your girlfriend get pregnant?
A I think it was like a year or two before then maybe.
Q Well, your girlfriend was pregnant for nine months, right?
A No, I’m talking about before she was even conceived.

Q If you could wait until I finish my question before you give your answer so we are not talking over each other, that will make the transcript much cheaper [cleaner].

Q What do you do for a living?
A I’m a night stalker [stocker] at Copps.

A Well, I remember, but I don’t recollect.

Q By elevated bite you’re referring to the orthotic that adds height to some of the teat [teeth] toward the back of your mouth?
A Yes. Basically it elevates my entire bite, which creates a visible space between my lower teat [teeth] and my top teat [teeth].

Q And was that legal counsel God freed a con [Godfrey & Kahn] ?

Q Can a gunshot blast to the face, upper body, and head be a competent cause for headaches?

Q What was the reason that you were having the prescription from the doctor for Zoloft?
A I was depressed from the September 11th tourist [terrorist] attacks.

A I have to qualify that. My mom was not a complainer. She was a people-pleaser, and so except to call like another resident a bitch or something, you know, she just was not the kind of person to complain.

Q So the lap dancers can have no contact with a patron?
A Patrons cannot touch as far as (indicating).
Q Can the lap dancer touch?
A No, except when they’re, you know, touching your shoulder or stepping on you or whatever to do their dance.

Q Did you think she was a lesbian when she placed her fingers in a triangle to her mouth and stuck her tongue in between her fingers?

MR. SMITH: I think I’m almost done, if you’d just give me a minute here to make certain.
MR. JONES: Do you want us to step out so you can talk to yourself? Sorry.
MR. SMITH: Actually, why don’t we take about a 10 to 15-minute break.

Q And when you do have a flare-up, what do you do to try to get it to go away, take some ibuprofen?
A Well, I try and stay away from ibuprofen because I get sore tits [psoriasis], and so the ibuprofen — what’s the word?
Q Exacerbates that?
A Yes, it does.

A I have a lot of patients that are in the factory, and they don’t have any breaks. The only break is, you know, dinner or a 10-minute break for a smack [snack] and that’s about it.

Q So you’re not saying that the foul odor caused the muscle spasms?

Q In terms of your condition, at this point are there any triggers that cause you pain other than the things we have discussed?
A My ex-wife, but that’s more in my ass than in my back.

Q Could you state your name for the Lord [record], please.

Q How would you describe the floor that you fell on that caused your injury?
A It was a naughty [knotty] pine floor.

Q What was that job?
A They offered me a part-time job sleeping [sweeping] at night with no insurance.

Q Have you ever heard of black ice?
A Yes. But isn’t that normally at night?

Q Her doctor is married to your doctor?
A Yeah.
MR. SMITH: I didn’t know that.
MR. JONES: It’s recent, a couple of months.
THE WITNESS: Don’t lawyers do that too?
MR. SMITH: Sometimes.
MR. JONES: They don’t bother to get married; they just screw each other.

A I’m not selling it; it’s for sale.

Q Exhibit 45 shows that your current salary, which is paid biweekly, is $1,615.38?
A Yes. $42,000 a year.
Q Do you get any year-end bonuses or anything like that?
A Sorry to laugh. One year we got offered free counseling by Larry’s pastor. No, none to speak of.

Q You’ve highlighted in Jell-O [yellow] and put tabs on a number of the depositions; is that correct?

Q Why did you decide to go to the doctor in late June of 2004?
A I’m going to say this, and it might seem offensive, but my groin area looked like a Campbell’s soup can.

A Well, like when he gets cold, he has to have his nipplator there that he has to use all the time.
MS. SMITH: Nebulizer.
MR. JONES: Off the record.

MR. SMITH: Mr. Jones, would you like a break?
MR. JONES: No, I’m fine.
MR. SMITH: I am just concerned about your temper.
MR. JONES: My temper is fine. In fact, I am just starting to warm up.
MR. SMITH: That’s what concerns me.
MR. JONES: Stick around.

Q How often do you exercise?
A I get up at 5:00, and I do about an hour of prayer and medication [meditation] first.

Q Did you ever say f–k you to anybody?
A What do you mean exactly?
Q I mean, have you ever used the term f–k you to somebody?
A Yes.
Q Does the term f–k offend you?
A Yes.
Q How often do you use the word f–k?
A Not very often.
Q Do you use it when you get angry?
A No.
Q Well, in what context would you use the word f–k?
A Like maybe something like I f–king can’t hear you or something like that maybe. I don’t know.
Q How about the expression It’s all f–ked up, have you ever used that?
A No.

Q How do you distinguish between verbal contracts and written contracts?
A The written are written, and the verbal are oral.

Q As of the date of the accident you say you were pain free?
A Ironically, the morning of the accident I completed my physical therapy.

Q So what did she say about how much she was working or what she was doing for money?
A She said she was suing [sewing] intermittently.

THE COURT REPORTER: Just make sure you let him finish the question. I know it’s tough, but it helps me out a lot. Thanks.
THE WITNESS: Yeah. Well, I will give you a run for your money, too, on your little type-o-thing there.
THE COURT REPORTER: That’s all right. I’m ready.
THE WITNESS: Get geared into high gear.
[Court Reporter’s note to self: Oh, brother!!!!]

MR. JONES: Why don’t you put a cork in it.
MR. SMITH: No, I am not going to put a cork in anything, Counselor.
MR. JONES: Why don’t you put two corks in it.
MR. SMITH: It’s asked and answered.

Q Would she laugh when she was talking about your balls or your member?

Q You were on ant breasts [antidepressants] before the accident according to the records?

Q So on the basis of that, how can you say that you did not know that he had — strike that. I move to strike my own question as argumentative.

A He told me to get ahold of the ADA, Americans Against Disabilities Act [Americans with Disabilities Act].

Q Your ass has [assets have] grown every year since you’ve owned the business, correct?