Suffering Saved Me


A little over a year ago, I began to experience extreme pressure in my abdomen and back. I brushed it off thinking it was just an Endo episode. It wasn’t until one summer morning when I realized the pain was much more intense than my normal Endo episodes.


It felt as if a balloon filled with knives were mercilessly expanding and carving their way through my insides. Waves of piercing pain and nausea left me desperate for relief.


I remember praying to God in desperation: “Please take the pain away! Please, dear God, I can’t take this pain anymore!”


I had faith that after that prayer God would miraculously heal me and I would no longer suffer. 


But he didn’t…


His silence infuriated me and caused me to question whether or not he loved me as much as he said he did. He heard my cries, he watched how the pain paralyzed me and yet I felt he did nothing.


How could God do that to me? I was his daughter whom he loved dearly. So why was he allowing me to suffer and lay there in excruciating pain? These thoughts wrecked my brain:


Where are you God?


Do you even care?


Why are you allowing me to suffer?


In the following weeks I went to speak with my doctor. During my visit she ran some tests and we finally had answers. 


There were 7 tumors between 4 and 12 centimeters. It appeared the larger tumors were slowly rupturing which was the cause of my pain. My doctor explained that I needed surgery immediately.


On the day of surgery I remember sitting in pre-op so afraid. I thought to myself “What if the tumors rupture as they try to remove them and I bleed to death.” Thankfully, the surgery went well but there was one alarming part that the surgeon couldn’t understand.


She said to my mother, “We had to take your daughters appendix. It was completely destroyed. Based on how it looked it should have ruptured. I can not explain why it didn’t and I really don’t see how she walked in here today.” 


I immediately thought of those days before the surgery when I begged God to take the pain away and he didn’t. It all made sense. He used the suffering to save me. I now had entirely new look on Gods silence. 


I don’t know what you’re dealing with today. It could be that you’re praying for healing, financial restoration, peace of mind or to repair a relationship. You may feel as though God isn’t listening, that he doesn’t care and he doesn’t love you. However, I know for a fact that he is listening, he does care and he’s loving you through it. The situation is necessary and his silence is all a part of the rescue.





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