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July 17
Today is Faith's birthday....to be honest I don't know how to start off this entry. It's been hard to explain it to people, nobody knows how I feel and as much as they try it's an impossibility. Nobody knows how I feel and it's not an easy subject so I keep it to myself.
Sometimes it's even complicated to explain it to myself but I get it...I know.

She turned three today. As much as it pains me and as much as it makes me want to jump out of my skin in excitement, I am nothing more than happy to see my baby grow up. We were on the sidewalk as she was riding on her scooter one of the moms said to Faith " Don't worry Sarah will catch you if you fall." Something so small and not in the context that was meant brought tears to my eyes. What I heard was that "Sarah will always be there when you fall and ready to pick you up and be there forever and always."  I am here in her life and this situation unlike many adoption stories I have an actual relationship with my birth daughter. When she smiles I smile and to know her family loves me as much as I love them gives me happiness unlike any other. As we sat down to open presents I looked at my dad and told him of the time, it was fifteen minutes till the time of her birth. My dad kept checking his phone, as did I. As the clock hit 4:59 my lips curled and cheeks fluttered. I held it back and got through it just fine. I am in no way bitter don't get me wrong but it was the memories of this baby that changed my life and the empty feelings. She wasn't in my belly, I couldn't feel her heartbeat and the night after when I was released I put her in her crib and said goodbye. I left with nothing but in that state of mind and not knowing I didn't think I would be leaving with a family as well. I miss her so much and on a day like today those feelings get more intense and those feelings rush in. She is surrounded with love, surrounded with family I know I made the right decision. Sometimes it's hard and some people may question me as I say this but as a parent I did right by her and gave her the things I didn't. As a parent you make the selfless decisions and they may be hard but it was right for her.

Mother's Day
Tearful and saddened. I can only recall one mother's day with her. Now known as Renee'. I am tearful at what has been going on my entire life of my lack of relationship with Renee' and I am saddened that, not that she, or her as a person is not in my life. It's the thought of a "mother" period. I have not had one of those. Sure they may have slapped her with the title as a form of saying here's the baby you adopted you are now a "mother." Overtime and since I had my daughter (who will be turning three in July) I have realized that it is not just a word when you have a child but it's a name, a title, a meaning, and something you earn from mothering and being that beautiful person in general for your children. Mothers have a strength and love that can overcome all obstacles and can see through the hard things, the heartbreaking in order to do whatever they can for their child. When it comes to people you love and especially your children everything you do is for them, it's selfless. My dad is my mom today, last year and everyday since I was born and I am okay with that. The last time me and Renee' parted ways it was my idea to just tell her I couldn't do it anymore and that she had done this enough times that I was done. We got back on speaking terms June of 09'.  We stopped talking probably March or Early April of 10'.  She has had problems with her health. That was one of the reasons why I decided to call and patch things up with her and then there was giving her an opportunity to be in my daughter's life. She had surgery, a week prior to that event we had an argument where we both said hurtful things. The day after her surgery I texted her letting her know that I was hoping her surgery went okay. I got no response. We finally talked via text a couple to a few weeks after. I told her yet again that I hoped everything went fine. She gave me two worded answers and many hurtful things with words such as "user,selfish,disappointment" I was trying to be the bigger person. Without me saying anything Renee' responds to something I said "Fine Sarah, you get your wish, I'm out of your life."

This is not a sad day but a day for that people that do love me and whom I love and charish also.
There may be things that I am saddened or tearful by but I'm stronger and will continue to be strong.

battle of the bulge
I woke up this morning..As for the reasons? I don't know why. I started looking at some old pictures. Now I've never had a picture perfect body but at 13/14 I was comfortable in my skin. I had "days" just like any other teenager does but I never looked at myself everyday constantly obsessing over my weight or hated myself because of how I looked. When I was 15 years old I found out that I was pregnant. I ate for two, kept healthy, and gained a few necessary pounds..doctors orders. (I swear) :)
I gained about sixty pounds to be exact. That much weight on my 4'11 frame added onto my "not so perfect body" made my body look like jelly. I felt globular if that's even a word. After I had the baby I was depressed and stressed. Right now I'm at an okay weight that doesn't have me feeling gross and embarrassed. At the same time I still look back at those pictures of when I was 13 and I just want to be at that weight again.
I've been on and off my diet however, have been more consistent about the gym and workouts in general. Staying active everyday helps even if I do cheat on my diet that day. Looking at those pictures brought up old emotions. When I was pregnant, Weight didn't matter, I didn't care and when I was younger it didn't matter that much either but now it seems to be the thing I always think about. Now it has gotten better and for that I'm thankful. I'd wake up and just not want to get up. Days where I'd look down at my stomach and it was just hanging over and sticking out. I literally felt like no one wanted me around and like I wanted to die. I've gotten myself to a point where I've admitted to myself that it's no one else's fault but mine. I'm the one putting that fast food down my throat. I've taken action ever since fathers day last year. Since then I've lost eighteen pounds and gained eight of it back. Learning that I gained eight back pissed me off. I've been going to the gm, bike riding and just staying active this past week. I've been feeling better but I still want to lose more weight. Keeping this in mind I will continue this battle of the bulge and continue to do my best :)

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Chapter 1

When we're young, Everything is a literal interpretation of something else. As a baby you learn to eat, crawl, walk, sit up, and behave by what your parents tell you or by what you learn by watching those around you. A you get older you still learn by what you see on T.V, movies, actions by peers, parents, and books. Children books contain fairy tales and beauty, as a child you're mystified by the wonderment of this secondary world. Imaginations run wild and we have this misconception of life. Some books and movies tell us that there are two parents, at least two children and a house. If you don't have these things you wonder why. Watching T.V. or movies can give us the wrong idea of love or life. When I was about a year and a half my parents divorced. When I was five years old (that's as far back as I can remember) I found out abruptly that my mother 'did something bad' and was going to jail. Unbeknownst to me, she had been doing something in the regards to drugs and was caught. Now at this time, I was scared and confused and knew I was not going to see my mom either in a very long time or ever again. I cried at the most, two hours in the arms of my dad and my dads friend. I felt lost and like the world was crumbling all around me. I felt alone and heartbroken. I don't remember to much after that or even the years following after that incident. At a very early age, fairy tales, to me in my mind, never happened. They were made up stories of lives of people that only happened for entertainment. When my mom wasn't in the picture it was just me and my dad. I had a semi-normal life with him and I got to a short point where days were long again and I was happy. Now, what I've failed to mention is that when I was born I was adopted. I grew up knowing this but also grew up with many questions. I felt abandoned in a way and it progressively got worse when my mom went to jail. I had questions as to 'why my birth mother left me?' I grew up in a middle-class neighborhood near the suburbs and went to a school that was filled with white girls. Blonde hair and blue eyes the typical O.C. girls. Being a part of the small majority of hispanics I felt more separated from people in that sense. Being adopted didn't help either and secretly I had this strain on my heart. 'Why do all these girls and boys have two parents, a picture perfect family and I don't?' 'Why don't I have the beauty that they have?' Why do I always have to explain why my dad is white and I'm not?' 'Why is my skin darker, my hair and eyes more brown?' I felt different and alone. Later in my third grade school year things started getting better. I finally get a phone call from my mom, she was staying at a halfway house and she wanted to see me. I hadn't seen her in about two years and honestly I just didn't want to see her. After that, visits with her were very sporadic. I hardly heard from her however, when I did call her she just had excuses why she couldn't see me. It was like that till I was about eleven years old. By then she had moved into a studio apartment in Covina. I was in my first year of Jr. High School. The transition for me was very hard like it is for anybody. Going from one classroom you're in all day to a school where you have to move from class to class. In a few incidents at school I had become very upset and each time was before the weekends I was going to see my mom. The first time I went over to her new apartment I remember watching American Idol and to how we started drinking? I don't remember. I've had sips of alcohol before but that night was the first time I had every gotten to a point where the floor beneath me started shaking. I was happy, the boy that hurt my feelings didn't matter anymore. For the first time I was actually excited to go back to see her. After that I had been seeing her a little more frequently, about every other weekend. When I'd see her she would say things to make me feel bad and say hurtful things about my dad. Secretly when she couldn't see me I would cry. In seventh grade I had been failing every class, I didn't care. I just wanted to go home watch T.V. and hang out with friends. By the end of the year I found out that I either had to take summer school or repeat the grade. The school I was going to was in RSM, I lived in Foothill Ranch which meant I would not have a way to get there. Coincidentally none of my friends had to take summer school. With no way to get there my options were limited and I had to repeat seventh grade. That summer my dad and I made the decision to move so I could have a fresh start. I did and didn't want to move, I wanted to be with my friends but I was embarrassed I was held back and they were moving on. I attended a middle school with these kids that were a year or more younger than me and I just felt was participating in this hell hole of kids that knew nothing about anything, I thought I was better than them. A second year in the same grade was too repetitive for me to care so I slacked in my work. I knew the answers. So I just didn't pay any attention or have any care for school at all. Before my move from my old school to this new school I was probably considered a 'good girl' I got into trouble for tardies a little more than average but nothing over the top and crime-like. At this new school I had ditched for the very first time and started smoking and drinking. I had just turned thirteen my second year of seventh grade when a couple of months after that I met this boy, His name was Keith.

Chapter 2

He was fifteen about to turn sixteen and so good looking. I was hanging out with my friend Andrea and we were looking around for someone with a cigarette. We ran across this guy Damien we knew. He said he knew someone that probably had some cigs we could have. Keith was that guy, and I was crushing on him bad. I wanted him, We talked briefly and then walked away. We crossed paths again and me and Andrea hung out with Keith and his friends. His friends left and then it was just me, Andrea, and Keith. I jokingly made a remark to Andrea and told her 'I bet you I'm going to sleep with him.' I don't even think I knew what I meant. I had never had these kinds of feeling for any guy. One night I was at home, just out of the shower, got dressed and me and my dad got in this arguement. I grabbed my phone and left. It was about eight o'clock and I left to Keith's house. I still didn't know him that well so I made this excuse that I needed help finding Andrea's apartment. I don't think he believed me but he ended up walking with me. I started feeling cold. I was just of out the shower wearing nothing but shorts and a sweatshirt. He mentioned going to the jacuzzi so I could put my feet in to get warm and it helped but it wasn't long before his mom called asking him to get home. I took my feet out and gave him a hug. I was close to his face before my head left his shoulder and I gave him a kiss on his cheek. He took the back of my head and slowly moved it towards his. Our lips touched and we kissed. It was my first kiss and I had felt this spark, fireworks. Later that night, we exchanged numbers. He kissed me goodbye. I left forgetting why I had even left my house in the first place. After that, Keith and I started hanging out more and more. One night he called me asked if I wanted to hang out. I told him of course. We walked around and ended up in the darkest part of the complex. We sat down and slowly started kissing. I was shaking, I knew what was going to happen and I was excited. I really liked him and wanted to be intimate with him. We took it slow but it happened. I remember almost every detail of that night. We talked every night on the phone for three hours or more. I fell in love with him but kept that love I had for him to myself. If I let him know that, either I would lose him or I gave him the leverage that he has that power to break my heart. We got further into the relationship and I actually started skipping school just so I could see him. My second year of seventh grade suffered from missing out on so much school. I didn't care, I just wanted to be with him. I saw him every morning and every night. Eight months into our dating relationship, I wanted an answer as to weather or not we were together or if were weren't. I didn't get the answer I wanted and told him I couldn't do this anymore. I was so hurt, I didn't want to be away from him but I also wanted to be in a relationship. His excuse was that he was committed to me but that he just didn't want to put a label on it. He hates labels. It was basically make it or break it for me right then. I went on with life and my friend Dana and I decided it was a good thing anyway. Dana and I were in the prowl to be single and mingle and find us some rebounds so we started walking around my complex to look for guys. We ran across Damien and he had a friend with him. His friend's name was Justin and he was really cute. We all started talking and hanging out. Once we left, me and Dana went back to my place till she had to go home. All of a sudden I get this knock at my door at seven o'clock and it's Damien's friend Robert asking if I'd come down and hang out I told them I couldn't and that my dad wouldn't let me which was just an excuse because I looked disgusting. I was in my pj's and had no make-up on. So I stalled and got ready and saw this circle of guys and Justin with just me and we were all hanging out at the bottom of my stairs. Damien and Robert left and then everybody else left. It was just me and Justin. We decided to stay and talk. Eventually i had to go home. Around ten o'clock I hear this clicking sound at my window, I ignore it but it continues. Open my blinds and it's Justin wit small wood chips. I open my window to ask him what he wants.

"You want to hangout?"
"It's late what the hell do you want to do so late?"
"I don't know..Just come down!"
"Fine, let me get dressed."

I close the window and put on a sweatshirt and walk down my stairs to meet him. We snuck into one of those empty apartments with the door knob covers over the door knob. Justin managed to get it open and we went in and sat in the closet and talked. He put his head in my lap and continued talking. I put my forehead on his and knew he was trying to kiss me. I was in the moment and kissed him back. That night we had sex. Even though it didn't occur to me then, I was trying so hard to get over Keith. Justin asked me to be his girlfriend. Which I was excited to except. That was more than Keith gave me. Justin and were together for about a month before I really started to miss Keith and everything we had. Me and Justin ran into Keith a couple of times and I was just flaunting 'my boyfriend' in front of Keith. Basically with my actions I was telling him what he's missing out on. One day, I woke up and it was about 12:00 in the afternoon. I see Keith, he came over and grabbed my arm. We walked back to his house because he wanted to talk. I looked at him and his eyes were bloodshot. I asked him if he was high and his response was

"Yes I smoked today but that doesn't mean I don't mean what I'm saying."
"So then what are you saying? What do you want to talk to me about?"
"I miss you."
"I'm with Justin."
"So he never has to know."
"...I missed you too."

We headed into the bedroom and start kissing and made love. After I left I immediately felt guilty. Did I just cheat? That same week me and Justin broke up. It was the fourth of July and it was just me and my dad celebrating the fourth of July together, I was boyfriendless and ashamed.

Chapter 3

Two months prior, my dad and I decided it would be a good idea to go to Minnesota to visit the family. I hadn't seen My cousins in forever and wanted to see them so I planned to go to Minneapolis for a couple of weeks. It wasn't too long that I got a call from Keith asking where I was and if I was avoiding him.

"No I'm not avoiding you, I'm in Minnesota."
"When are you coming back."
"I don't know I might never come back."
"Why? Are you moving?"
"Yeah probably."

I lied to him that night, I didn't even want to see him after he hurt me and how I hurt Justin even though Justin never found out about me and Keith. He actually seemed to care and I was surprised. Later that night he tells me he loves me and that he was just scared but he loves me and he doesn't want to lose me.

"Any way you can get back just try."
"I don't think I can."
"Try, I love you."
"I love you too..Listen I have to go, I'll talk to you tomorrow."
"Ok. I love you."

As I get off the phone I'm just thinking to myself what the fuck is he on? but at that same time I really wanted to take back what I said. I didn't want to believe he loved me because I didn't want to get hurt in case he didn't mean it and it was just a spur of the moment deal. I had finally gotten home from my vacation and saw Keith that night. I swore to myself I didn't love him and that I just missed the sex. Deep inside my heart, I was so in love with him but so hurt that I didn't even want to be near him. We had sex that night and that night I missed him so much I wanted to be with him so badly. I had my I-pod in my hand and tried to act like I didn't care. Had one headphone in my ear, I put on a song..our song. One of many but this one was slow and beautiful and made that night special and intimate. Bob Marley - Waiting in Vain. a little ironic isn't it? He laid me down on the grass where we shared our first time. That was the last time before the school year started and my year as a freshman in High school.

It was my first day as a freshman, I was excited and scared. The High School I would be attending is smack in the middle between my old Jr. High and the one I just came from. I was embarrassed to be confronted by so many people of my past, I had changed a lot and imagined them as the cookie-cutter suburban types I had left behind. My first day was amazing, I knew so many people and my outfit made me that much more confident. The day has come to an end and so it was time to walk home. My friend Taylor and I walked through the shopping area and ran into someone I dreaded to see, especially outside the complex, Keith. He took me aside and wanted to talk.

"You look really good."
"Thank you, I thought I'd spice it up for my first day"
"I'll call you later ok?"
"Can you actually do me a favor?"
"Depends on what it is."
"Here's five dollars, Can you get me some cigarettes."
"Yeah sure hold on a second."

As he walks back with the cigarettes and change in hand, I firmly took them and left.
As I walk away I look back and see him with his friend he smiles and continue walking in the opposite direction. That September of my ninth grade year I slacked again and didn't have any reasons to skip school other than that I just didn't want to go. A couple weeks in to the new school year I had already been ditching and showing up late into the day. Keith and I still say each other but it was on my terms now. I told him when and where, I had the control. The new control made me excited and I figured it to be that I was finally over him. Everything about him annoyed me and out of everything I think I liked the chase but still in heart of hearts I was still had that love for him. October rolled around and my fifteenth birthday was coming up. Since I was busy on my birthday I told Keith I'd like to see him anytime after that. The seventh of October was coming up, it was a Friday and I was going to a show play at a bar in Newport. My friend and I drank so much, I called Keith and told him how much I missed him and that I wanted to see him. Because it was that time of month I told him it would have to be anytime after that.
A week had passed and I was finally going to see him again. He got his weed and smoked me out till it was hard to even see through his shit. I didn't care, I was so faded everything I hated about him faded along with me. I just saw the love I had for him. That night was long and the sex was even longer at the end of it I 'felt' like something was wrong. I got my pants on and left really soon after that. A month had passed and it was November. It was a week before my period was initially was about to start and I was scared. I told all of my closest friends that I knew something was wrong and that I might be pregnant. They all told me to take a test to make sure and said that it's probably all in my head. I shake it off and don't pay any attention to it. That same November I go to see my mom again. That whole weekend I drinking and smoking like I usually do, in the back of my mind I still have my suspicions. That Sunday night it was time to go home. My mom and I met up with my dad and I asked him if it would be ok if we go shopping. Thankfully he said yes, I really just needed to get my head focused on something else. Forever 21 was my first stop. I looked at the jeans and tried them and noticed that I was spotting. My face lit up and walked out of the dressing room happier than I had been in so long. That night I got some tampons to handle my situation but the next day it had stopped. The next week was hard to concentrate, so I had asked one of my friends to go to Save-On with me. She agreed that it would be in my best interest to just find out and get it over it. In my head I had already made the decision and already knew the answer. I stole the test, I was embarrassed and didn't want anybody seeing me walk out of the store with a bag with a pregnancy test. As Britney and I arrive to my house I slowly make my way to the bathroom, read the directions and took the test. The directions said to wait three minutes but I couldn't even wait two let alone three. I had the test faced down and picked it up. It read two lines which meant I was pregnant I waited an extra minute maybe I just read it to soon. The results stuck. I told Britney.

"Maybe I should take one, in case they're not working properly."
"Yeah you should, but I'm pretty sure that I am pregnant."
"Well hold on let me take this."

Britney's test came out negative. I walked to the couch with my hands on my stomach. With my hands caressing my stomach I whisper a prayer and talked a little to the baby.

"Babygirl, I just found out about you but already I'm in love with you."
"Sarah, what are you going to do? You going to call Keith?"
"Yeah, Let me just grab my phone."

As I reached for the phone my heart is pounding. The ring is getting louder and louder in my head and the words just spill out.

"Hey Keith it's me. What are you doing? You busy?"
"Just walking, why?"
"Because, I'm pregnant."
"umm...I'll talk to you later."

The phone clicks off and his name clears off my phone screen. Two weeks had passed and during that time I had called him every day and every night, every hour and every minute. I heard nothing from him. I was at school and getting ready to walk home. I try one more time to call him but this time I would block my number. He finally picks up.

"Hey its me. Where the hell have you been?"
"I've been busy. I have a lot of stuff going on."
"Oh ok really? Yeah well me too and for obvious reasons. Listen I don't even want to hear what you have to say because that is just inexcusable. You know what? Don't even say anything, I can do this all by myself I don't need you."

As I hang up I walk towards the front of the school trying to hide my tears. I was heartbroken he didn't care enough to see if I was ok or call me back. The Next day I decided to ditch school completely. Many times before I had many calls to the house and my dads cell phone telling him close to every day that I had been skipping school. My dad got home and asked how my day was.

"It was ok."
"Oh really? Well I got a call from the school. You ditched again?"
"I'm sorry."
"You've missed more days of school than you actually attended. When are you going to get it."

As I start crying I'm thinking in the back of my mind that he could be so much more mad at the news I still had yet to tell him. My head is in between my legs and I finally say it out loud.

"Dad, there are so many other things you could be more mad at than this. Please stop yelling."

As he settles down, I finally just say to myself it's now or never.

"I'm pregnant."

I said it loudly but quietly and had my face turned away when I said it. I didn't want to look at the disappointment in his face, I knew that if I looked I would remember that face forever.
I had seen it before. His face couldn't look up either as his hands firmly gripped the kitchen counter.

"Is it Keith's"

My dad knew that Keith and I were dating and knew that love I had for him. So it wasn't a secret. However, I was more sad and angry at myself that I allowed someone to get so close to me that would just treat me like that and abandon not only me but our baby.

"I am going to find that kid and talk to him."

My dad paused for a minute, he took a long breath.

"Where is he?"
"I don't know he might be at home."

My dad reaches for the keys and proceeds to leave.

"Dad, I'm going with you."
"No stay here."

I left with my dad and h=we saw Keith crossing the parking lot. My dad was furious and talked to Keith. Keith didn't say a word and just stood there. I walked away in tears, my dad put his arm around my shoulder comforting even in this situation.
My dad told me to get in the car. As I got in the car I feared the worse I was scared he was going to drive me up to my mom's and let her deal with me. As my dad and I start driving i realize he is actually taking me to the Save-On. He walked into the store and walked out with a pregnancy test. Right when we get home he tells me to take it. I had already taken two tests, I wouldn't be surprised if it read two lines again. I took the test and it read a little differently One solid line and a fainted second line. He had a sigh of relief.

"Oh thank God."
"Dad it says it's a maybe if the second line is fainted."

We both went to sleep that night. I woke up the next morning getting ready for school, my dad hands me another test and says I'm not going to school and that he scheduled an appointment for the doctors. I took another test, it read the same thing.
We got the the doctors at ten o'clock in the morning. As we see the doctor I tell her I need a pregnancy test. We go downstairs to get my blood taken. I get into the room and see and older couple that were probably in their eighty's which made it that much more awkward. I had the nurse paper and sign in out loud she yells to another nurse.

"We need this for a pregnancy test!"

She had mine as well said this fifteen year old, yes! fifteen year old needs a pregnancy test. Or just put a stamp on my head that read 'with child.' The idiot nurse took my blood and had it tested. Me and my dad waited upstairs for the doctor to call me back in to tell me the results of the test. Sometimes test can be inconclusive so this test would clear anything up especially for my dad because he still believed or at least hoped there was a small chance I wouldn't be pregnant. As the nurse calls me back to see the doctor, I was already impatient. My dad and I here a knock at the door, the doctor walks in and by her face I already knew the answer.

"I'm sorry, but you're pregnant."

My dad slowly goes in shock and breaks out in tears and so do I. The disappointment in my dads face killed me and I was disappointed in myself. Once we stopped crying the doctor tells me of the precautions I would have to take and what I could and could not eat.

I'm done
My eyes are getting heavy on me
The pain you've caused weighs heavy on my heart
You think that you can do no harm
but what you've done has set the alarm
I've woken up and realized what needs to be done
That's it right there...I'm done.

I'm literally shaking in my skin right now. I don't even know how to explain this hurt that lies within my heart. I think of everybody that's ever hurt me,left me, or disappointed me. Quite a few people have decided to drop me. Not only that but people that I "love" have left our house but not our lives. However everything that has built itself over time has caught up with me... people that have recently decided either to stop talking to me, ignored me, left me or rejected me. They all pretty much mean the same thing. Once they left it all came rushing in, everybody that left plus them, I felt overpowered and more alone than ever. Even though they hold different circumstances. Everything together and all those people are in my head. One by one, they're gone. I feel unloveable. Unwanted. Ugly at times. Stupid. Unappealing. and worthless. However, I also don't give a shit what people think and that right there gives me the fuckin power !! What I have to say in this blog is basically scatter brained and bi polar. I'm all over the place. I don't care what people think but I also do have feelings and after a series of people in the last month that have just vanished it catches up with you and its then that I finally start to feel the hurt of these peoples absence. They don't matter to me yet it still bugs me. I used them like they probably used me to their own advantage but yet I'm the one feeling shitty. Why do I have feelings? Sometimes I wish I were a guy...emotionless and a user. That's my thought on men, well boys, guys, douchebags. Take your pick. Not all guys are like that but I tend to take the fucked up ones from the batch. But thats what I expected to you know? That's my fault in my jello of a brain. I pick the shitty guys, that way I'm not disappointed and I know what I'm getting myself into. I've had maybe one or two chances at the "good guy" but became afraid, and either made them friends or wasn't attracted to them. No wonder I'm alone. Everybody in my life I have gone out on a date with or just friends even my MOM !! have dropped like fucking flies. What does that say about me when my own mom can't find the will to love me. But then again that's her fault in her own character. She blames everyone but herself, I just end up getting in the middle of her bullshit. Guys I've dated have been really weird. Guys I had dated maybe a month or close to two. Nothing serious. Maybe a couple of dates that were just that one date. They've left. Some I've told them it wasn't working but in the end...right now? I'm now alone. First it was the guys, then my mom, and now my "family" has left the house. I feel more alone then ever. I tried to go in my room. It's so empty. My bed is empty. My heart? It's empty. My head though is full of fucking thoughts !! Which is great for me and my tear ducts. Memories of the blissful and fucked up. When I'm upset I think of all the fucked up things. My friends don't seem to stick around and those that try I get scared. I want to believe in a trust that is mutual between two people and it can't be unbroken. I've never known a trust, a love like that. My dad has been my rock. There through thick and thin but at this point in my life I need something like that but in a different form. In a friend, in a boyfriend. I'm not sure which will come first but I know that even though I feel lonely it will NEVER stop me from living my life. Sarah Out !! haha :)

To Succeed or Not to Succeed
I haven't been feeling very well these last few days. A bit of it has to do with the HPV/Swine flu shot I had gotten. Not only that but a few recent tests have got me thinking late into the night with the feeling of wonder. I just got an email back basically saying everything is fine !! SO that takes one bag of shit off my shoulders :)
However a few other things have been bothering me and that's my drivers license. I still have yet to get my license and right now, I need it baaaad ! Jobs that I've applied for that are are within walking distance has been crazy. Nothing has happened, and at this point I feel discouraged. Jobs I know of that I've heard are hiring require transportation of some sort and I'd so much rather drive than jump from bus to bus. Did you know it is now $4.00 for an ALL DAY pass? They keep raising the price, like everything else in this fucking economy. I hate it. Gas does cost money. No question. However 4 bucks a day in a month roughly adds up to around $112. I will only need my car to be getting to and from work. At least for right now until I can afford more expenses and until then I want to save enough money for the college courses I want to take. Seriously though, like honestly. I scared shitless. I'm barely fucking responsible for myself and at this point I am sick of my shit LMAO ! SERIOUSLY ! but I do want that kick in the ass so I can finally get a damn clue ! Why can't I do it myself? I do not know but what I do know is that I want those responsibilities. It is scary to feel so much out of your element that it becomes uncomfortable to even think about it. That's how I feel. I'm scared to take that step but I know I have to do it. Like my drivers license (which I'm completely avoiding.) I feel like everybody is better than me at everything...and then when I hear of a complete dumbshit doing what I think I'm unable or scared to do. I seriously vomit and piss my pants simultaneously. I'm just in aww of the fact that these dummies are getting these things and I'm not. And then there's that part of me that slaps me in the face telling me that the reason is, is that I'm not applying myself and that the biggest obstacle is just...myself.
If I was an onlooker, on the outside looking in to my own life. I'd hit me and shake me !! It might sounds like I'm being harsh on myself but at the same time I want to see myself succeed.

It used to feel like it was just yesterday and now It's getting further away
I will always and forever remember that day I'm just now at ease with everything.
The first face she saw was mine, Her first breath and cry was music to my ears
Everything became still everything was fine Then she looked at me and the room filled with tears
All happy that she was here and I was happy she was still near.

I started a diet a while ago...I haven't had the success of it being a very long diet. I'm on the wagon then off it again. I have been on and off my diet for about two months now. I feel amazing when I'm working out and eating healthy. I feel energized and excited and even though I didn't lose 10 pounds in that day I feel 10 pounds lighter and I feel like I see that in the mirror. When I eat fast food and sit around all day I feel disgusting, depressed and often have thoughts of loss and that I will never have a bright future. So why do I keep falling off the wagon and go back to that depressing state of mind? It's not that I forget, I don't know. I just know I need this for me, myself, and I. I'm not going to deprive myself of things I want but I'm not going to eat them all day everyday and sit around and be lazy either. The last couple of days including this past Monday I have been to the gym 4 times in a week. Two of those times were in one day. I went back for more because I had so much energy. However went back home after 21 minutes. When I was in school I slept all day and the rest of my time I devoted to homework, internet, and t.v. Not very productive but I felt that at the time I was to busy to go to the gym. Which in my case was just an excuse. I was so lazy and didn't want to go out. Although, now that I am getting back into the world I'm now beginning to find that I do have some scheduling conflicts die to a social life and etc. Sometimes work schedules are hard because you have to work around them and make time. I have all the time in the world. I just finished up high school and don't have a job. Pretty amazing. I just need to manage my time better. I like going to the gym in the morning. Usually no one is there so I can run like a maniac without people thinking I'm crazy. I can also sing at the top of my lungs and sound like shit and no one is there to care. I can so my crazy stretches without worrying how my ass looks. Most of all I don't have to be around people that have semi good looking bodies and have to see that and then catch a glimpse of my body. However what keeps me going is the fact that "I'M HERE" I'm doing something about it and I feel that, that is what others see when I'm at the gym and that is that "I am doing something about it." I'm not at home watching t.v. eating. I look at myself in the mirror after a workout and want that immediate gratification of instant results. All that work and I'm still in this fat suit. Then I look again and I see myself sweating after a hard days work feeling better that I'm here trying to catch my breath rather than being at home trying to catch my breath because I can't stop crying over the fact that I'm not skinny. I remember I was thinking the other week, Why can't I have that body, Why does she have an amazing body and I don't. Blah Blah Blah Why Why Why Pity Pity Pity. I had that epiphiny. Why am I....ME...Still sitting here feeling bad for myself and what I don't have when I can be making that happen. Maybe not instantly but working hard toward something I WANT. That is all on me, I want to make it happen. I want this !! So bad. I want to be in bed touching my body and loving the way I feel. I want to walk passed the mirrors in bathrooms and smile and want to look at myself for hours. I want that !! I WILL work hard !! and no matter what een if I fail and fail again I will get back up and try again. I WILL do this not for anybody elses satisfaction but my own.

Current mood: confident
The memories made back when we were young and thoughtless.
Nothing crossed our minds nothing mattered, it was just us.
The laughs, the smiles and words that had been said
they come and go every once in awhile in the back of my head.
anger spreads yet again like wildfire,
it fades in and out till i forget again what had transpired.
I'm done with the past yet it will still always linger in the air
your smile carries each time she does, each time makes you stare.
Fortune and love is where I am now, better than I've ever been
Moved on in my life and forgave those who've held me back
You, were where my life had stopped. You were my greatest sin.
I forgave myself for the mistakes I'd made but at the most random times I get reminded of my past.