Confessions of a Worn-Out Caregiver

As Leeza Gibbons wrote in her book, Take Your Oxygen First, "If you're caring for someone with Alzheimer's and you've never lost your temper with the person - just wait. You will." To that I add: If you don't, then either you're a saint or you're incredibly out of touch with your feelings.

I was a caregiver for seven long years for Dr. Edward Theodoru, my beloved Romanian soul mate of 30 years. In the early and mid-stages of his dementia I did many things I was later not proud of. At all.

Ed had a short temper and as his Alzheimer's progressed he began losing his temper more often. He got angry and yelled at me frequently. At that time I wasn't aware that yelling back was not a good solution. I later learned that quickly changing the subject would lead to a better outcome.


I said, "No, Ed that's not possible. Your father is dead." He got very upset. I was sorry to see him suffer and after several seconds I realized that wasn't the best way to handle the situation. I said, "Oh, I'm sorry. I was mixed up. I'm sure you talked to him." He relaxed and his hurt expression faded away.

A final example of what I later realized was total thoughtlessness was that I frequently asked him if he remembered some event or person. When I arrived to visit, the first thing I usually asked was, "Do you remember what you had for lunch today?" Most of the time he responded by saying he hadn't had lunch that day. Since I knew he'd had lunch, I tried to prompt him to remember. Eventually I stopped doing this, too.

I was proud of myself when I finally learned to stop these ridiculous behaviors and interact with him on his level -- not mine. It made me feel closer to him and it clearly made him more relaxed and contented. Although it was difficult for me to master the new approaches, when I finally did our relationship blossomed again and life with him was much more peaceful and emotionally rewarding.

Marie Marley is the award-winning author of the uplifting Come Back Early Today: A Memoir of Love, Alzheimer's and Joy. Her website ( contains a wealth of information for Alzheimer's caregivers.