Friday, July 8, 2011

Ten Minute Fix: Listen

Echoic memory has saved my hide more times than I can remember. Let's say I'm sitting here writing this blog and my wife comes in and starts talking to me about our plans to hang out with some friends next week. Well, I'm in the middle of some brilliant synthesis that can't be postponed so I for some reason decide that the best thing to do is keep on typing and saying "uh huh" every once in a while. Inevitably the question, "Are you listening to me?" will be asked. Thanks to echoic memory, which we all have, I am able to recall 3-4 seconds of auditory information. So even though I wasn't listening when she said, "and don't forget the ice. It's really important." I am able to stop recall the last 3 seconds and respond, "Of course I'm listening. I won't forget the ice. I know how important it is." I have no idea when, where, or why this ice will be used, but she'll tell me again later...right?

This Ten Minute Fix is meant to give your echoic memory a break and practice LISTENING to people you're speaking with. It's simple. 

Dedicate ten minutes to listening carefully to what someone is saying. 

What is their body language telling you? Why are they saying what they're saying? What questions can you ask to gain a deeper understanding of their message?

Here are some tips to being a good listener that you can employ during these ten minutes.
  1. Remove any distractions. Turn off the TV. Move away from the computer. Put down the chainsaw.
  2. Make eye contact, but don't stare.
  3. Keep your mouth shut. As the listener, you are only allowed to speak if you are summarizing what they said to make sure you understand, reassuring the speaker, or asking meaningful questions. Unless it's asked of you, now is not the time to share your own similar experiences. If you do share an experience, keep it brief and redirect the attention to the speaker.
  4. Listen between the lines for what isn't being said directly.
  5. Concentrate. Don't think about what you want to say later, and don't judge or criticize the speaker in your mind. 
  6. Avoid any phrases that can make light of a problem. "It's not that bad", "You'll get over it", "Other people have it a lot worse".
  7. Focus all your effort on making them feel understood and appreciated.


  1. I am going to actively focus on those 7 tips this week and then everyone in my life will send you a thank you note, guaranteed.

  2. Putting down the chainsaw is always so hard! But for real, I have a hard time having a conversation WITHOUT distractions. I feel like it makes me less anxious. But I totally agree that you are correct. I need to concentrate on the person I am speaking with and focus all of my effort on making them feel appreciated. I'm totally going to try this. Ahh! It seems hard, but that definitely means it is an issue I need to work on.