TIME person of the year 2017: the metoo movement

Yesterday, I was very happy to see that the metoo movement has been chosen as the TIME person of the year 2017. It was about time that people, who were silenced for such a long time, are finally seen and heard. After the initial happiness disappeared, I asked myself if this was a good thing or not.

First, it is a great feeling that women who have experienced sexual harassment and abuse are finally taken serious. I remember having a heated discussion about sexual harassment with a guy (that I didn't know) on a high school classmate's Facebook page, which I barely have contact with, right before the Weinstein scandal. As an introvert, I really don't want to be involved with other people's business and especially not with people I am not close too. Actually, my personal Facebook page has become a form of therapy, where I vent my anger about being bullied, not believed, and all the injustice that I (and other people) experienced. This is better than keeping it inside or venting it on other people. I don't really use it to keep in touch and communicate with friends.

But on my timeline, I came across an interesting article that my high school classmate shared and it was about a girl who felt uncomfortable, after all the harassment she endured from men. She wrote that she experienced the whistling from men as a way of saying that she doesn't belong here and that men own the streets. After such an article, I found it very insensitive of a guy to write a comment saying that she was wrong and that whistling is merely a way of asking for attention and feeding the ego of a guy. Lastly, he didn't hesitate to joke around asking her for her source for that sentence. This already made me pretty angry, but I decided not to write anything, while I am so angry, and I don't know them that well to discuss things like this. But because I liked the post, I keep seeing it pop up in my timeline. I read some of the comments in the thread that his comment started and it was getting pretty ugly. My classmate, her sister, and other girls kindly and patiently explained to him how his view is wrong, but he just refused to change his opinion about this matter. My classmate's sister got so upset by it that she left the discussion in an angry fit and to me, it seemed like it almost made her cry. If that wasn't enough, he also had to comment that her going away like this is one way to avoid a discussion. After that, I just couldn't let it pass (sorry, but I really can't stand seeing people getting bullied on my watch). I wrote an angry comment (that I wasn't very proud of, but it was necessary) and started to be the discussion partner who doesn't backs away from him, which he wanted to see so much.

In the beginning, I was really upset and it made my blood pressure go up, but I was really curious about why he thinks that women aren't allowed to think that whistling is practically the same as whistling to your dog telling him to get back into their dog house. I honestly think that there are moments that whistling can be harmless, but also really painful and scary, after experiencing sexual harassment and sexual assault, and in those cases, you are allowed to think that way. I understand how unfair it is that other men have to suffer for some other dude's awful behavior, but we can't distinguish good and bad guys from first glance and our first reaction to whistling can be getting angry or scared. You are allowed to be outraged by that and it can hurt your feelings, but until all guys behave and guys tell other guys to be respectful to women, nothing will change. It will especially not change, when you keep denying that this is a problem.

"Of course, you don't experience it or see it often, you are a guy!" 

I really think all women have experienced sexual harassment or abuse in one way or another. Small things, such as touching our butt, we tend to just forget and think that it isn't something to be upset about, that it is normal, shit happens. There is often no evidence, as it happens very fast, nobody but his friends saw it, or it was hidden from sight. It is seen as something that you should be ashamed of, so we don't mention it to people, but it doesn't mean that it didn't hurt us.

Bigger things, such as rape, we also want to forget and pretend nothing has happened, as the trauma is too big to handle, the backlash is going to be huge, people will gossip about you, your whole past is going to be dug up, your world is going to be turned upside down (lose your education, friends, and/or jobs), and getting the perpetrator sentenced is practically an impossible task. You have to have an consistent story (while you have experienced a traumatizing event), have witnesses (it often happens in one on one situations), and preferably, a lot of other evidence. Because when the rapist didn't use any violence and didn't leave wounds on you, they can claim that it was consensual sex. If there are wounds, they can say that you like it rough. With a perfect record, he/she can just walk away from it without any punishment. The easiest way to deal with it, is just doing nothing. That's why it is so important for victims to be believed and supported, instead of victim blamed and questioned.

We also need to call out rapists to stop them from making more victims. But this doesn't mean that you can go wreck their homes, pee on their driveway, or throw eggs at them, when you track them down. What do you want to achieve by doing that? We can let the justice system do its work. Just keep an eye on them and prevent them from doing something bad. Support the victims that come forward, sensing that the environment is safe enough to tell their story. That's all you need to do.

What makes me scared is that although it is great that the scale has now been tipped to the victim's side, while it had always been to the perpetrator's side (you have to prove that he/she did it, while it is almost impossible to find proof), but one bad case, where an innocent person is blamed, can destroy everything that the women (and men) of the metoo movement have build up. It sounds like I am exaggerating, but I know how news and people work. Bad news can evoke a lot of emotions from people (anger, sadness, pain, etc.), but we also have a short attention span. Especially, with all the social media, drowning you with new information. The same bad news repeating itself so much can also make us fatigued and numb for it. After a while, we will just not care about it anymore. 

I also feel like naming the metoo movement as the person of the year, also somehow tells us that it was the highlight of the year and that it is not something that will go on in 2018, 2019, and so on. Our job is nowhere close to done. Getting rid of one or two people who have abused their power isn't enough. We really need to change the whole mindset, the society that enabled their bad behavior and silenced the victims. Change is difficult and scary, as you need to let go of age-old believes, but not impossible.  



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