Understanding Romantic BPD Relationships

In This Article

Borderline personal disorder (BPD) relationships are often chaotic, intense, and conflict-laden, and this can be especially true for romantic BPD relationships.


The Effect of Symptoms

In the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), the resource mental health professionals refer to when making a diagnosis, symptoms of BPD include "intense, unstable, and conflicted personal relationships."


Another BPD symptom that particularly impacts relationships is called abandonment sensitivity. This can lead those with BPD to be constantly watching for signs that someone may leave them and to interpret even a minor event as a sign that abandonment is imminent. The emotions may result in frantic efforts to avoid abandonment, such as pleading, public scenes, and even physically preventing the other person from leaving.


Impulsive sexuality is another classic symptom of BPD, and many people with BPD struggle with issues of sexuality. Also, a large percentage of people with BPD experienced childhood sexual abuse, which can make sex very complicated.

Finally, other symptoms of BPD, including impulsivityself-harm, and dissociative symptoms, which can have an indirect impact on borderline relationships.


What Research Says

Research has confirmed that people with BPD tend to have very stormy romantic relationships characterized by a great deal of tumult and dysfunction. For example, one study demonstrated that women with BPD symptoms reported greater chronic relationship stress and more frequent conflicts. Also, the more severe a person’s BPD symptoms are the less satisfaction their partner reports.

In addition, research has also shown that BPD symptoms are associated with a greater number of romantic relationships over time, and a higher incidence of unplanned pregnancies in women. People with BPD also tend to have more former partners and tend to terminate more relationships in their social networks than people without personality disorders. This suggests that romantic relationships with people with BPD are more likely to end in a breakup.

Finally, in terms of sex, research has shown that women with BPD have more negative attitudes about sex, are more likely to feel pressured into having sex with their partner, and are more ambivalent about sex than women without BPD. Unfortunately, no research has been done on sexuality in men with BPD.

Starting a Romantic Relationship

Given all the difficulties that exist in BPD relationships, why would anyone start a relationship with someone with the disorder? First, it's important to remember that despite these intense and disruptive symptoms, people with BPD are frequently good, kind, and caring individuals. Often they have many positive qualities that can make them great romantic partners some of the time.


Many people are drawn to a BPD partner precisely because people with BPD have intense emotions and a strong desire for intimacy.

Can You Make a Romantic BPD Relationship Last?

Most BPD relationships go through a honeymoon period. People with BPD will often report that at the beginning of a new romantic relationship they put their new partner “on a pedestal” and sometimes feel they have found their perfect match, a soul mate who will rescue them from their emotional pain. This kind of thinking is called “idealization.”

This honeymoon period can be very exciting for the new partner too. After all, it's really nice to have someone feel so strongly about you and to feel as if you are needed.



Managing a Romantic Relationship


  • Dialectal behavior therapy (DBT): DBT is a form of cognitive behavioral therapy that relates a person's thinking to their behavior. There are four main skills taught in DBT, and one of them is managing interpersonal skills.
  • Mentalization therapy (MBT): MBT is a therapy that entails examining your present emotions and then seeing how they are linked to your behaviors or actions. 
  • Medications: There are currently no medications approved to treat BPD, but they are sometimes prescribed by doctors to help improve interpersonal relationships. Research suggests that certain medications can help a person manage their anger, impulsivity, and depression. On that note, though, it's important to weigh carefully the side effects of a medication with its potential benefit.

Breaking Up a Romantic Relationship 

Many issues may arise when a BPD relationship is ending. Because people with BPD have an intense fear of abandonment, a breakup can leave them feeling absolutely desperate and devastated. Even if a relationship is unhealthy, a person with BPD can often have trouble letting the relationship go. This is particularly true of long-term partnerships or marriages.


A Word From Verywell

On a positive and final note, please remember that the prognosis for BPD is good. This means that while most people with BPD do experience residual symptoms even after time and treatment, in the long term there is hope that your relationship with your loved one can work.

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