

Too many secrets, 20F

I was raped in high school and went through intense in-patient therapy for it. I suffer from PTSD, Depression, and severe anxiety, and am medicated for all of them. During my time in treatment, every single secret I ever had was dragged out of me one by one, except for one.

I have one secret I've only told one person in my life, and he ended up raping me. I'm fairly certain I was molested by one of my cousins as a small child. When I was little, I was the second youngest of eight cousins and the only girl. My brother and I spent a lot of time with our cousins, and I was constantly trying to impress and keep up with the older boys. I don't remember anything clearly, and I couldn't tell you which one it was, but i have bits of memories that have scared me for a very long time. I think I was six or seven, the youngest of my older cousins would've been 12 and the oldest 15. I remember being touched, I remember him, whoever it was, telling me that if I told we'd both be in huge trouble, and I remember it hurting. Then, in what I'm fairly certain was a related incident, he made me get in the trunk of my dad's honda, and told me we were playing hide and seek. I couldn't quite breathe but I didn't make a sound until I heard my mother screaming for me. She yelled at me for getting in the trunk, but I didn't want her to be angrier and didn't tell her my cousin _____ told me to. I didn't want to tattle, I was terrified. I think the most terrifying part of all this for me is not being sure at all of what actually happened, if anything did happen, who did it. I just have so many questions: Is this why I'm so fucked up? If it happened, do they remember? Why would I remember this if it wasn't real? How could it be real? Because I don't have any clear memories at all (I can't even remember what cousin I THINK it was, if it even happened), I've never felt comfortable telling my parents or even a therapist. I just needed to get this off my chest.

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