Friday, 16 October 2009

Friday night poor excuse for a bloeugh

Having one of those evenings where I feel like I ought to be out wearing something short and black and precarious, drinking double G and Ts and thinking I am scintillating until I fall over. Instead, I am wearing a dirty hoodie and mud spattered jeans and have been watching some kind of vintage Transformers cartoon c1982 for what feels like hours with increasing puzzlement. (E: 'So hang on, Optimus Prime is dead? And the things with tentacles have turned him into, what? An evil zombie?' Children: 'Nooooo!' [eye rolling]). Apart from that, I made pancakes and located the Migraleve. This is the sum total of my achievements for the day.

The remainder of the evening stretches out dismally, much as the weepette and I stretch out dismally on the uncomfortable sofa, watching the moths flutter balletically past us, in search of more jumpers to eat. I have just clicked morosely across to gmail, which offers me the following targeted advertising headline: "Terminal sidekick". I fear weepette may be my terminal sidekick.

I am conscious I mainly whine at the moment. Sorry. Is there anything I can do for you? Would you like me to make a horrible cake tomorrow or something? Rude biscuits? Also, I thought if you would like me answer any questions I could answer them in the comments. I could tell you about Belgium! No? Ok then. I could tell you other stuff. Anything! Go on, validate my sad, empty Friday night or the weepette gets it.


Mrs Trefusis... said...

Don't worry. You're not alone. I'm home too and am wearing Sweaty Betty yoga pants and I can't even be bothered to go downstairs and make myself a drink, despite being really thirsty. I'm peeved because Mr Trefusis was supposed to be going out and I was looking forward to an evening of idleness, binge-watching Spiral on the laptop and ignoring the housework. And now he's not out and wants me to talk to him. Pff.

Layla said...

You will be much happier when you've got your new Ektorps to Ektorp on in blissful comfort on solitary Friday nights...

Something I need to know - how much do dogs sleep? Freddie the street dog has barely moved, except to eat, since he inveigled his way back into the house this afternoon, and seems quite happy just to lie about doing nothing at all for 90% of the time. Is this normal?

He has just refused to go out for a late evening walk again - OK, I know he has Trust Issues, because he thinks I won't let him back in again, but if he stays all night without going for a walk will he pee on the rug?

Anxious in Ayvalik.

Anonymous said...

I can't think of any questions right now (apart from what sort of firm imagines there is anything attractive about the proposition of a 'terminal sidekick'). But what I can tell you, if it makes you feel any better, is that my Friday evening so far makes yours look like a particularly posh ambassador's reception. The highlight so far has been an inconclusive debate on the possible factors causing our kitchen to become overrun with bluebottles. I shouldn't complain though- tomorrow night me and C are going out for a very, very rare night out together (our son Frankie is at his granny's for the weekend) and if double g and t's and thinking we're scintillating until we fall over are in any way involved then we will, I think, consider the exercise a roaring success.

jonathan said...

Sorry I don't know why that comment appeared as anonmymous (well OK maybe it was because I pressed the 'anonymous' button by mistake). It was from me!

Jaywalker said...

Dear Layla

You are very lucky that Freddie wishes to sleep so much. The weepette spends much of the day depositing balls on my knee in the hope of getting me to move. 90% seems a good percentage, however he will almost certainly pee on your rug.


Jaywalker said...

Jonathan - you have bluebottles, I have moths. I am relieved to hear this qualifies me for the higher echelons of Friday night social disaster.

fountain pen sue said...

Mrs T is right. You are far from alone. I am sitting in comfy pants complete with encrusted remnants of last night's snacking. I have two grips and a clothes peg pinning back my Michael Ball hair. I am a picture of, well, I'm sure you understand. Could we have a rude biscuit fest tomorrow? I got the thing from the internets, we could have a joint biscuit effort. I could recreate everything the bad man said to me yesterday and we could have a competition. You'll have to send me a recipe because I can't be arsed to translate German.

PS: Layla, he will pee on the rug.

Maxine said...

I would really like to know how you manage to tweet and blog from within the Corridors of Ennui. Not a criticism at all...just wonderment, respect and beaucoup d'envie.

Jaywalker said...

Hello Maxine

Hmm. I only work 2 days a week on the Corridor of Ennui and spend my evenings/rest of the week festering on the interwebs. I think that is something of a partial answer, but I really really REALLY need to keep my job.

Fountain Pen Sue - Any biscuit recipe will work, honest. You got Nigella's domestic goddess book? use the birthday biscuits recipe. Ich spreche nicht deutsch, as M can testify.

redfox said...

Being on the other side of the Atlantic as I am, my pathetic Friday night is only beginning! But I assure you there is nothing inspiring afoot over here either. I identify with the apathy/laziness reflected in Mrs. T's inability to rouse herself to make a drink, despite great thirst; my shining (and recurring) achievement in this vein is being incapable of bothering to go take a pee until I am in true acute and pressing discomfort. This confession of mine can either make you feel superior or in good company, depending on your habits.

redfox said...

PS I can testify that any rolled biscuits are suitable for use with the rude biscuit thingy; maybe opt for something without too much (or even any) leavening, lest it poof too much and obscure the lettering.

Layla said...

It's 20 past midnight here, I want to go to bed, and the dog remains resolutely unwalked.

Looks like there will be a special Freddie surprise waiting for me in the morning - anyone got a Top Tip on the best way to remove dog pee from a rug?

Freddie - douze points
Caroline - nul points

and it's Good Night from Ayvalik...

A Woman Of No Importance said...

Can I ask, JW, whether the Holy Tortoise's TM Sycophants (the other shelly beasties) will be coming with you into your new abode when the HT TM returns from the Crusades?

Loved the rudie biskits - A sugar rush may assist your Saturday vibes... Mwah!

Jaywalker said...

Good question, Woman.

The answer is that the CFO kindly offered me my choice of tortoise to take to the new house but I declined. I felt they would be happier all together. As for the HT, well reports of his involvement in the Cornish Tortoise Heist have been greatly exaggerated.

Mrs Jones said...

My Friday night has been the same as every other night (almost) for the past 13 years or so. I make dinner to be eaten at about 7pm, then sit with the, er, top on my lap and the telly on so I can surf and watch Gardener's World, Have I got news for you, Armstrong & Miller and Peep Show at the same time. Eventually it gets late enough to go to bed. I might drink some wine. I wish I had a dog. And a life.

Oh, and I also got the rude biscuit contrivance (plus 2 others to give to friends for xmas) so perhaps we should all make insulting pastries this weekend.

(wv is Conan - I LOVE that film!)

LaurenR said...

Tell me about Belgium. Ask me decorating questions -- I used to work for an interior designer and am also very familiar with IKEA flat packs.

Anything to distract me from the fact that I just sent my son off to be best man in his father's wedding and spend the weekend with some of my very favorite people on earth who are here for the event, and who don't want to see me ever again because I was the bad guy who asked for the divorce and they belong to his side of the family.

Sigh. Talk about feeling sorry for yourself.

redfox said...

Maybe some generous person would like to share the birthday biscuits recipe with me, because everyone seems to like it very much and I don't have the right cookbook. Also, I've finally thought of a question: is there a loophole where being pregnant means that it no longer counts as giving up to wear yoga pants out of the house? Not that I will not stoop to do it if it is still giving up, I just want to know if there is an exemption whereby I might still count as pulled together if they are, say, black yoga pants and a smartish top.

Helena said...

Wow, you mananged to bring moths to your new home too? WTF?
Anyway, have been meaning to say, good luck, you'll be fine and I'm sending love. So I'm saying it.
You will be fine. Hope the intervening transition period isn't too mightily shit though. As Mrs Trefusis says, you are definitely not alone.
My question is: Why aren't I in bed yet?

WrathofDawn said...

Wait. This is not how one is supposed to spend one's Friday night? Merde. I'm doin it rong.

*le sigh*

kathycastro said...

My Friday night appears to much like most of yours, but I am in a dress (and the purple sandals, which always make me feel glamorous) because it was 80+ degrees here today. However, I am alone but for a frisky labradoodle, watching some stupid TV show I don't even like, waiting for one of the teenagers I am looking after this weekend to call me from the high school football game to come collect him, and probably order us a pepperoni pizza so he doesn't starve in that way 15-year-old boys are constantly in danger of. I can't figure out how to make that sentence end in something other than a preposition.

My question: what am I supposed to do now that my date for the HS reunion tomorrow night has swine flu?

Also, should I wear the white Alberta Ferretti with the new black Loubs or the newish pleated black Banana Republic dress with the purple Pradas?

Thanks much, JW, you're a lifesaver.

Layla, I am curious, what happened to Laksa or whatever the other dog's name was? Good luck with the pee.

kathycastro said...

Me again. I thought of a couple more questions, if that's OK.

1. How many ice cream sandwiches is too many?

2. How exactly do men's minds work?

Thanks again. Appreciate the help.

Helena said...

Ooooh, I'm with KathyCastro on question 2 about men's minds. Answers please.
Also, how does one appear clever, creative and engaging with a hangover and an excess of laziness genes.

Z said...

I can't remember if I've said this before (and I do apologise if so - remember I am extremely old and slightly gaga), because it occurred to me a couple of weeks ago, but the brightest side of all this surely is that you will no longer be invited to the neighbours' ghastly expensive parties.

The short, black scintillation thing is highly overrated. No one actually enjoys it.

Layla, I know it's too late, but it's fine to boot the dog out. It will give him more confidence in the long run, as it will reinforce your position as Pack Leader. If you give in to him, he will be worried as he will think he has to assert himself.

I hope you're making the rude biscuits by now, Jaywalker. I still haven't painted my face on for the day, which means I'll have to run and hide if any poor fool calls round.

bevchen said...

Hmm, I spent my Friday night alone. I didn't even have a weepette for company. And my flat is FREEZING so I ended up being in bed by 10pm cos it was the only place that was even vaguely warm. I will probably end up doing the same thing tonight since the boyfriend is away til Monday and I have no friends in this country.

I still want the rude biscuit making the set. The boyfriend told me not to buy it, so I thought I might get it for my birthday. It nevber materialised though, so I can only assume he didn't want me to own it at all. Spoil sport!

Jessica K said...

I cant even recall what it is like to go out on a Friday night.
Could someone please post a link to the rude biscuit imprint thingy? I have a dear friend coming in November and I think rude biscuits and lots of wine with the kids at Nanny's is the way to go. Possibly followed by going out on a Friday night afterward and dispensing rude bisucits to the deserving populace.

Lucy Fishwife said...

Friday night - when did that stop being a byword for unseemly larking about? Oh yes, when i got married and started a job that involved working Saturdays. Boo. My Friday night involved comfortable clothes ("comfortable" = "bloody ugly holey stretchy slackerwear you'd NEVER wear outside the house or with curtains drawn even"), that Macon Villages that tastes oddly of strawberry yogurt, and (sssshh don't tell) "Wolverine" on DVD. At leaast Hugh Jackman doesn't tell me I've let myself go. Oh and Mr F was present as cook and general film-critic ("God, he must work out a lot").
PS WV = flanonce. Some form of cookery faire-part?

Jaywalker said...

Dear LaurenR - I feel your pain as you can quite well imagine.
Belgium is the size of a postage stamp and contains a disproportionately high number of ginger people. The only place you can be sure of going to the loo for free is at someone's house, because everywhere else - including the cinema, Macdonalds, etc - has an ancient crone attendant known as a Dame Pipi.

As for my questions to you, would I be better going to the flea market and getting an old, rubbish table and chairs rather than going to Ikea, given house is c1920 and in no way Swedish minimalist?

Redfox - I'll email you the birthday biscuits recipe. As for the yoga pants, you are clearly asking the wrong woman, I rarely change out of my pyjama bottoms on non-work days, and leave the house with nothing but an icy "what the fuck are you looking at" glare between me and humiliation.

Helena - I'm still in the old house. Move date is fluid (by which I mean "I have not yet got my shit sufficiently together"), but soon. I suggest you think of three or four long, intelligent words to throw into any conversation. And wear some kind of skin brightener (flash beauty balm, sisley eclat tenseur, Mac strobe, etc etc).

WoD - you and the rest of us, it would appear.

Kathycastro - I would definitely go for the black Banana Republic and the purple Pradas. It's too cold here to think of wearing white, even winter white. Can't you buy a date from Ikea? I was wondering today why aisle 32 doesn't contain pleasant Scandinavian youths you can borrow.
Ice cream sandwiches: I am not entirely sure what these are, or how big, but six seems a nice round number.

Mens minds work using a combination of needle nose pliers, WD40, gaffer tape and small pieces of wire combined using binary mathematics. Or they should.

Z - you are right, it is excellent news. Can I ask you a dog question? When will the weepette ever stop pissing in the house? I mean, he only does it when he's on his own for too long and can't hold it in, but will his bladder control ever improve?

Poor Bevchen. You really need the Brigitte Keks. It's not even dear AND you live in the right country.

Jessica K - Put brigitte keks into google and you'll get it. Or check a German bakery site called 'Tortissimo'.

redfox said...

Hooray! I look forward to both birthday biscuits and spending the day in yoga pants.

Z said...

I'd certainly go to the flea market, but then I don't really buy new stuff. Just, if anyone calls it 'shabby chic', do let me know so that I can come and curse them.

Regarding the weepette, he's young yet - I can't remember how long you've had him, but it isn't more than a year or so is it? If it's just that he's young and can't always hold it in, I'm sure he'll grow out of it. However, if you have a suspicion that he's doing it to get attention (that is, if he does it every time you go out as a protest, or while you're in the house) then that's a bit more of a problem.

If I were you, once you move, be kindly assertive - eg if he's got a toy, take it from him, look at it and then give it back. This demonstrates that everything belongs to you and you're letting him play with it on your terms. It may not happen, but if he thinks of himself as the alpha male he will demand attention and claim the sofa and so on, rather than be your devoted slave. Sounds a bit amateur psychologist, but dogs are simple souls and it works.

LaurenR said...

Go for the old furniture stuff. Many reasons: it's better made, you won't see it in everyone else's house/everyone who comes to your house won't know where you got it, it will bring its own character to your poor nearly empty house and that will be cheering, you won't have to assemble it, and finally, it might possibly make for an interesting conversation piece when you are sick of talking about your various miseries. Assuming you have a guest at some point. Which you have to do if you want to ever feel cheery again. Assuming you do. But be careful about lead poisoning. In the paint on the old furniture, that is. I don't know what's in that stuff you get from the British market.

magpie said...

I found alphabet cookie cutters at the car boot sale and first thing i thought of was rude biscuits a la Jaywalker.
However found amazing cookie dough recipe and ate all dough raw before cookie cutters even came out of box.
Felt much better about the world though.

Jaywalker said...

I just want to say, when Z and redfox post comments next to each other there are two EYES staring at me. It's weird, but continue anyway as I love you both.


Z said...

Eek. I see what you mean. Just for you, then, I have put up a different photo, even though my left eye is my only good feature.

pinolona said...

I spent Friday night translating at home. I didn't bother changing out of my work experience clothes cos they consisted of woolly dress and woolly tights (simply because they are the only vaguely smart things I own that do not require ironing). I then drank one Leffe brune in front of something unmemorable on BBC1, got a headache and went to bed.

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