Northanger Abbey by Val McDermid – digested read

John Crace condenses a pale imitation of Austen's gothic pastiche – with added vampire intrigue – into a bite-sized 600 words
Northanger Abbey gets a revamp.
Northanger Abbey gets a revamp. Click to enlarge Illustration: Matt Blease

It was a source of constant disappointment to Catherine Morland that her life did not more closely resemble her books. Though by the end of this one, she would be glad of all the distance she could get. Improbable as it may seem in the 21st century, Cat, as she preferred to be known (short for Catatonic), had never once left her small Dorset village in her 17 years. Indeed it was not entirely clear she was aware of anything but the Twilight novels of Stephenie Meyer. So it came as some surprise to Cat to be informed by her neighbours, the Allens, that there was a place called Edinburgh in Scotland and that they were inviting her to join them for the festival.

To her surprise, on arrival in the city of contrasts, intimate surprises and contrasts, Cat found she had been invited to the Highland Ball! She wasn't entirely sure why Highland Ball! had an exclamation mark but she assumed it was the style of a Jane Austen parody, and so worried instead about her inability to reel. Fortunately, Mrs Allen had already considered this possibility and had arranged for Cat to have dancing lessons with the enigmatically pale Henry Tilney.

For a moment or two, Cat naturally wondered whether Henry was a vampire, but these thoughts were quickly interrupted by her introduction to her new BFF, Bella Thorpe, a young woman entirely her equal in half-wittedness. "Oh my Godz," said Bella, "Have you seen this Facebook update? Vampires are, like, totes cool. And your brother, Jamie, is a dreamboat. Be a babe and chat to my bro, Johnny, cos then we can double-date, like."

"Yah! Hi, Cat! I bet you can't help finding me devastatingly attractive," boomed Johnny. "Come for a ride in my Porsche and get away from all these proles."

"I've promised Henry I would join him and his sister, Ellie, for a walk," Cat replied.

"Don't bother with them," Johnny harrumphed. "Let's go."

Cat groaned deeply with the unfairness of everything. Henry and Ellie would now think her unspeakably shallow for going off with the despicable Johnny and never speak to her again. How she longed to explain to them that she had had no choice. She turned in desperation to Val.

"I looked stupid enough in the original," Cat miaowed. "But in this update…"

"Can we call it a revamp?" pleaded Val.

"That's not funny."

"I know. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done it. It seemed like a good idea at the time. But it just isn't working. All I can do is try to get to the end with my dignity intact."

"What about mine?"

Fortunately, Ellie and Henry were unusually forgiving souls and had persuaded their father, General Tilney, to invite Cat to Northanger Abbey, their ancestral home.

"Wow! I feel like a character in a Jane Austen novel," Cat said through gritted teeth, before rounding on Val again. "Why do you keep making me say this crap? It's embarrassing."

Surprisingly though, both Ellie and John were unfamiliar with Miss Austen's works and were therefore unable to remark on the coincidence of their home sharing its name with a Gothic pastiche, so Cat was free to indulge her vampire fantasies once more.

"I'm certain your dad is a vampire," she said confidently. "I bet he killed your mum."

"Er… no. She died of leukaemia," said Henry, looking longingly at Cat. "Now, if you will excuse me, I have unavoidably been called back to Edinburgh. It appears that Bella has dumped your brother Jamie after having a one night stand with my mysterious brother, Freddie."

By this time, almost everyone had lost interest in that bit of the plot and Cat went off in search of more vampires.

"You've got to leave this instant," roared the General.

Cat sobbed the whole way back to Dorset. How could she have been cast away so abruptly from her new BFFs. To her amazement, Henry was waiting for her arrival.

"I'm so sorry," he said. "My father threw you out because he thought you were a lesbian."

"Jesus," Cat sighed, turning to Val again. "You promised me."

"I'm sorry," Val replied. "I couldn't resist. I'll make it up to you. You can marry Henry, if you want."

Digested read, digested: Austen's Twilight Years.