Predictions – 6th Nov 2017

So, Dad has been quite taken with the little autocorrect games that have been doing the rounds on social media. Things like “Type ‘I was born’ on your phone and keep clicking the middle predictive word until you make a sentence”, and so on. Anyway, so enamoured was he with the concept that he made a story, of sorts, using the method. He asked me to put it online, so here you go! 

On the first day of the year we have been sweating at night time with the most ancient form of mammalian sustenance known to humankind. The contractor must be licensed for waste disposal and will be able only to ensure that the Tories favourite cures for everything we have done is always under attack. 

We have been stitched up to make sure that the Tories really are crypto and are very clean and warm. I think their names will be joining her brother Thomas and I have to say that I am very happy. They will stick to the Practice Manager and I will be carrying round a disposable phone. I have no temperature but I have been suffering from the fits and starts in the morning and I am finding it difficult to get a Valentine. I have been suffering with depression since I was pregnant but I am not sure if I will be able to do this again.

My dog was a bit flaccid but I was going down to the gym and had a congested chest for over the weekend. Do you know what the doctor has done? I don’t know how much I can get but she didn’t know what to do. Now I have you trapped in a bottle and then I will be joining you again for your generosity.

Tom Pinoy 



Well, it seems we have our own problems with affiliates of ISIS. A known supposed Islamic group in the South, bandits and murderers the lot of them, have invaded a town, killed and mutilated civilians, and seemingly raised the ISIS flag over the local government buildings

Muslims are but a small percentage of the Filipino population, but past governments gave autonomy to large areas of the South under the control of powerful clans in order to gain their political favour. The area is rich on natural resources and corruption. These political families have in the past engaged in mass murder and have never been held effectively to account.

President Duterte has declared Martial Law in the province of Mindanao to allow the AFP to engage effectively and prevent any wider insurrection gaining a foothold. Security is also being increased in the National Capital Region.

Martial Law is controversial here because of the abuses during the Marcos era, and the Communist Party of the Philippines/New People’s Army is already issuing condemnatory declarations. They hardly enhance their credibility by effectively giving comfort to the barbaric killers.

Perhaps surprisingly the robustly independent press seem to be giving Duterte the benefit of the doubt. Several well know commentators have recently been intimating that the time has come to take the gloves off and liquidate the terrorist gangs before it’s too late. Of course, there is a largeish presence of US forces in the country for reasons of which no one seems quite certain, but whether they would be inclined to offer support is moot. The US President has just concluded a suspiciously friendly visit to Saudi Arabia, the source of the perverted theology that drives the ISIS-supporting groups. One feels sorry for the ordinary Filipino Muslims who are the most likely to suffer.

Tom Pinoy

P.S. We seem safe as ever in the NCR and reassured by police checkpoints. There may be increased visibility of AFP personnel but there seems no intention of extending Martial Law beyond the currently affected area.


There used to a wet season and a hot season, and they didn’t much overlap. Now is supposed to be hot, sauna hot: 35C is normal, and much higher is possible. It is endless and debilitating, yet labourers can be seen toiling all day on the construction sites that are marching across the capital and South into Luzon. However, these are local people: a brand of super-heroes whose Secret Power is skin like asbestos, and whose lungs have the capacity of a wind-tunnel. They are recognised by their characteristic clothing of a tee-shirt worn over the head and face. Westerners are advised not to emulate them.

They, like me, may have been pleasantly surprised just now by the gentle onset of an unseasonal shower. That’s how it began. The gentle pitter-patter of rain drops on next doors’ roof as I was tipping my rancid clothing into the machine in the Dirty Kitchen. This is not actually dirty but semi-outside and keeps the cooking smells out of the house.

The gentle raindrops, reminiscent of April in England, rapidly gathered force and became the sort of downpour that would have given W.S. Maugham food for thought. The noise of this phenomenon is, well, phenomenal, a real revelation. It combines the rushing of a waterfall as it crashes through the leaves of the mango trees with the deafening drumming of some ancient army on the march. It is common here to have steel roofing and millions of droplets hit hundreds of roofs simultaneously. It is great to watch it from the upstairs window, and see others doing the same.

The transformative power of such downpours is wonderful. The palpable pressure of the heat suddenly lifts, and lungs begin to function more easily. The temperature drops faster than the value of the pound under a Tory government, and cooling breezes slip through the open windows, rippling the imported net curtains. One’s body relaxes.

Outside torrents of water are flushing the drainage channels and sweeping away the mosquitoes that can breed in them. At the back of the house our concrete rain collecting tank, which I estimate holds about 4,000 litres, will by now be overflowing.

In lower lying areas with poor drainage, streets will flood and children will be merrily splashing about, despite their mothers’ protestations. Make the most of it, kids. Already the sudden deluge is ceasing, and tomorrow’s temperatures will be back to normal.


Tom Pinoy


Teleserye: I think that’s how it’s spelled, those eons -long soap operas in which the actors and their characters grow old in real time, taking in over the years the ups and downs of everyday life, and the major real-life historical events and crises, only with many more murders, sexual scandals, deaths, health shocks and sometimes encounters with aliens. As the pet priests on the morning radio are wont to say, “Sometimes our own lives can seem a little like that”.
Today we opted for a quiet day. First, we took the 11 year old 9 seater back to its ancestral home for a health check. The rear air-con fan is getting noisy, and I don’t like the clutch operation, too snatchy. The brakes likewise seem a bit ‘all or nothing’. I must admit that the two professional drivers who do all the driving that requires more than the 3Km run to the Hypermarket can’t see anything wrong with it. Mind you, they could handle a pick-up truck with a missing wheel without any qualms. 

The service centre had a queue of vehicles out to the street so we parked on the forecourt and La Serenissima went in to pick up a queue number, which was around 40. Not good. Fortunately, she spotted the Service Manager, who has looked after our stalwart all its life on the other side of the hangar-like workshop. I believe we have what’s called a suki relationship with this admirable man: a long, enduring, loyal and trusting relationship between supplier and customer which should never  be broken. 

It’s a Filipino thing, and it’s important. 

As soon as he saw our plight, he pocketed the queue card and, collecting a mechanic on the way, went straight out to the forecourt to investigate. Some quick adjustments were made somewhere in the depths beneath the bonnet and, as we have come to  expect from these highly skilled operatives, everything was rendered hunky-dory. 

Relationships are incredibly important here. At school you will make a best friend. You will be constant companions. You will walk down the street with your arm round his or her shoulder and they will do anything you ask of them, forever. Then there is the highly structured system of expectations and obligations between older and younger siblings. You respect your older siblings and in return they watch out for you, maybe even helping to pay for your schooling. Godparent relationships here also are very much more than the rather symbolic arrangement that prevails in the UK. 

Filipino society is built on a much more complex network of relationships than the average Westerner can ever hope to comprehend, but it engenders what might be described as a sense of affiliation. If you meet a Filipino in a far-off country they will soon ask your home province, then your town, then if you know so-and -so the former Barangay Captain. Well, he’s their uncle and knows your grandfather. Now you can go out for lunch, because you have a connection and can trust one-another.

To get any real insight into Filipino culture, I would recommend marrying into a Filipino family. After about 30 years you may still have problems following the plot, but you will find that you have assumed an interesting and rewarding role in the fascinating and never-ending Teleserye that is Filipino life.

16th May 2017: How to Catch Street Dogs

As you know, my grandson is proud of his Filipino heritage, and is an enthusiastic footballer, so we agreed to buy him an Azkals shirt on our current visit. Azkals (Asong Kalye, Street Dogs) are the Philippines national soccer team. He has reached the age of 6 and has conducted his own research so he knows exactly what he wants. 
To be precise, he is one quarter Filipino, but he inherited that through his Mother, and she through hers, so it is the strongest quarter. Filipinism to my mind passes down the female line, like Judaism. There is a whole lot more genetic material in an X chromosome than a Y, and you were a part of your Mum before you asserted your individual identity. 

The lad once told me “I’m happiest when I’m being Filipino”.

Anyway, I started my search for suppliers of shirts on the Internet. Don’t attempt this. Search engines are now merely sources of confusion. You can never locate the site for which you are searching. You get fed a never ending list of sites that are irrelevant, confusing, or parasitically interposing themselves between you and your goal in order to accumulate revenue generating clicks. You will also find a plethora of antiquated sites that have never been updated or deleted and contain obsolete information. This is the internet’s overflowing waste bin, and in the anarchic cyber-world nobody takes responsibility for emptying it. There it sits like a digital landfill pit, oozing pollution. Stuff it: off into the analogue world, the world of things, not impulses. Physical, locatable, visible, palpable, big, chunky, smelly and REAL.

Thus we found ourselves in Bonifacio Global City, 8,000 miles from our unhelpful iPad and its misinformation. An Oracle at the Philippine Football Federation, contacted by text following the serendipitous discovery of a newspaper article on the newly launched Philippine Football League, predicted that The Golden Fleece (or shirts) could be found at a store in the aforementioned BGC. 

Foolishly we again consulted the Internet to discover that the store was possibly located on any of 2nd, 7th or 9th Avenues at their intersections with one of several streets. We trecked around almost forever, like the Israelites in search of the Land of Milk and Honey, to no avail. Several helpful guards, concierges and willing citizens enthusiastically misdirected us. 

When in desperation I retexted the Oracle “nobody knows where this place is”, the immediate reply was a precise 3 word address, sadly omitted from their first text. It was a 5 minute walk from where we had started our odyssey an hour previously, and not at any of the places suggested by the malign search engine. We secured the treasure that we sought in moments and will soon return to our home port of Gatwick triumphant, with all flags flying, our quest accomplished.


  • Do not ask people for directions. They want to help, an urge that is all too often misplaced.
  • The Internet is like Ibiza or Boracay: once a great adventure, now a bit of a mess.


Tom Pinoy

15th May 2017: What We Take For Granted

Hello from SM Bicutan. Mum is having a manicure, which means she won’t be filling the house with acetone fumes. I am in Bo’s coffee shop enjoying an excellent Americano which requires neither milk nor sugar, and reading the Manila Bulletin, a stuffy old paper founded in 1900 which makes no concessions to modern presentation, style or values. It does claim to be an exponent of progress, but that should be understood in a Catholic Church sort of way. 

Mum has returned. No, she’s off to the kubeta. Anyway we shall now try to find somewhere to eat. Fat chance on Mothers’ Day. Probably end up in the gloomy KFC on the Lower than Lower Ground Floor. 

Its a hard life.

Nothin’ better to do, part 2
I was right about all the restaurants being full. Then I suggested to Becky that we try a Continental Bakery cum restaurant that served European food, not terribly popular, at prices even less so. Bingo! They had a table. We sat down amidst a crowd of people who, like us, looked as if they had access to foreign money. Possibly a pension from working decades in the US Post Office, or a remittance from a relative employed as a carer overseas.

We ordered a boneless chicken quarter with mango salsa apiece. Becky’s arrived in about 15 minutes, mine took longer. When it arrived I set about cutting into pieces, only to realise that it was undercooked. A word with the server had this sorted out quickly and she returned 5 minutes later with the pan-tossed chicken, and a small pot of gravy, on a tray. She lifted the plate from the tray and tipped the gravy all over my shirt. The server was mortified, moaning tearfully  “Sorry Po, so sorry” over and over. 

Becky instructed her to bring a wet cloth and we spent sometime removing the gravy while the chicken went cold. The chicken was good, and I said to Becky not to demand redress, as this would only be deducted from her pay, and might cost her job. Accidents happen!

Becky went to settle the bill at the front of the shop where the breads and pastries were sold and I gazed out of the window only to be roused by a terrible loud noise, one that transported me immediately back to 1958. It  was like the sound of a plank snapping suddenly under enormous strain. It was the noise I had heard when my 8 year old brother had fallen from a playground slide to end up motionless on the ground. It was the sound of a human head hitting concrete at an acceleration of 32 feet per second squared.

I looked towards the counter and couldn’t see Becky, only the slow drift of curious human beings. I made my way quickly to the source of the noise, and rounding the end of the counter saw Becky, ever the nurse, feeling for the pulse of a motionless man who had already been deftly rolled into the recovery position by a bulky foreigner. There was no discernible pulse. Out of decades of conditioning I assumed my position at the side of my former boss, relaying her instructions to the surrounding gawpers. There seemed to be no pulse when I tried to find it, then the man drew a huge breath right down so that his belly heaved. 

“Don’t move him”, I related to the onlookers, “Call an ambulance or a doctor.” 

There’s a Health Clinic on ground floor of the Mall, full of doctors, and a 911 call would reach the emergency services. To my consternation, the gathered staff and spectators looked first at one another, then at me, then back at one another and did nothing. 

“Don’t fuck about, get a doctor’, I said crossly. 

Such things happen every day in any English town. Someone collapses, a passer-by, possibly someone with a bit of experience like a first-responder, a carer, a Polish NHS A&E doctor on his way for a coffee, assumes a co-ordination role. The sick person is assessed, breathing is facilitated, bleeding attended to and further harm prevented. Someone, maybe several people dial 999, a paramedic arrives, then if necessary an ambulance is called and the patient is admitted to hospital. We all know the drill, we could all have a go at it. With this cultural conditioning, and our iconic NHS, it is easy to forget that it ain’t like that everywhere.

In the Filipino Mall scenario the request “someone call an ambulance!” gives rise to unspoken questions. Me? I have no authority, I don’t know this person from Adam. Ambulances cost money, who will pay? Whose responsibility is it? It’s not the fault of the shop-keeper that random people collapse in his premises. Where are his relatives?

It is not that Filipinos are in any way uncaring, indeed they are most compassionate. Those observing the collapsed man in the Mall may well have been reflecting upon the mortality of us all, and even saying a quiet prayer for his recovery, but they are not in the position to do much beyond immediate assistance for people with whom they have no social affiliation. 

Some of the onlookers, unaware of the blood flowing from the man’s nose and mouth, probably assuming that he had merely fainted, urged helping him to stand up, and sitting him in a chair, then taking him out to a taxi, and had to be discouraged from doing so. One of the bakery staff requested that he be moved out of the way so that business could be resumed. The burly foreigner, who may have been French, insisted that this should not be done, as did Becky.

Then, like guardian angels, two athletic and authoritative female Police Officers arrived and started clarifying the situation. The Mall Medico, for there was such a person, was summoned and quickly arrived. PNP officers DO have authority.

The Doctor (most Filipino doctors are women) quickly attempted to measure the unfortunate fellow’s blood pressure with uncertain results. 

“Maybe a stroke,” suggested Becky. 

“Opo,” said the Doctor,  confirming the  possibility. Under her calm supervision, the now vaguely conscious but hardly aware man was removed. I pray that he recovers from his trauma.

May I end with some observations.  One is an appreciation of the powerful role of women in all the professions and in the armed forces and political institutions of the Philippines. Another is the astounding influence of socialised institutions like the NHS on the ways we think and act, and finally, which still surprises me, the depth, the profundity, of our cultural differences, and the consequent need for extreme sensitivity.