Paging Geraldo...Geraldo Rivera.

Can you stand it? Two posts in one month. Is someone going to nominate me for a Bloggy or something?

Is there a number to call for regular people who want to dig in their yards? I mean, one not related to the utility company. You know, Call Before You Dig? (y'dig?) In this case, I think it should actually be the former owner's phone number.

"Hi, Psycho who moved and left us with tons of debris in our attic, shed, and wooded areas? Yeah, it's the 'suckers' who are actually going to make some money off your old house when we sell it, because we actually, I dunno, maintain it. Long intro, sorry. Say, we're thinking about digging in the area behind the pool. Anything we should know?"

"I think the pool area's okay. I know you already replaced the deck. Damn. You should've called us. I could've explained about that tombstone--saved you a lot of trouble. No, the pool area should be okay--wait a minute, my husband's contacting me telepathically from prison--[whadja say? the pool area's fine but don't dig too deep in the garden? A gun? okay, I'll tell them.] My husband says to avoid the garden. There's...moles underneath. Armed moles. And they get pissy if you strike them on the head with a rototiller."

Yes, that would indeed have saved John from another "What the eff is this?" headscratching moment. [not that he doesn't experience that three nights out of seven when he sits down to dinner, but I digress.] While planting the vegetable garden last weekend, he was digging, like you do, and came up with a small, rusted, heavy gun. Could be a toy gun, but I doubt it very much. Unless it's a toy for Mr. World's kid to play with, I don't think it's meant for a kid to pick up--it's stinkin' heavy.

I put it in a plastic bag so when I call the police, they'll give me a star pin and make me a junior deputy. It couldn't possibly have any fingerprints on it--it's encrusted with an inch of rust, but still. It's all about Process.

So, just so everyone's clear, a list of things we have found buried in our yard:
1) a tombstone from the late 19th century
2) a rusted gun.

I think I'm done digging in the yard for now. (HA! As if I ever pick up a shovel.) I have no desire to call the morgue about the human remains we find next.

Those damn moles. They can be so vindictive. What did Al Capone ever do to them?


donna said...

Oh my god, a gun??? You really did buy from the strangest people on the planet, didn't you?

Guwi said...

Shyah, a gun. I do not even own AH gun, let alone many guns, which would necessitate an entire rack.

obscure 90s movie quote alert.

Guwi said...

ps - and we don't even live in Texas!

ha ha ha

i thought of it too late. :)

brianna said...

wayne's world!!!!!!!!!!

fucking love it!!

also, what awesome stuff to find buried in your backyard!!