2/8/19 UPDATE: Even more IRL shit I have to deal with that makes me delay my comic.

Rest in Peace Perkia Kalandjian. May 7, 1924 - Februrary 5, 2019

On Tuesday, the fifth of Feburary my medzmama passed away in Mount Auburn Hospital in Cambridge, Massachusetts. We found her take her last breath before 5:45 in the afternoon I saw her face pale, yellow instead of her usual red, with her mouth chapped and agape; I saw her body bloat bit by bit, erasing every wrinkle on her face; and all the warmth she had I felt it fade when I finished praying to god for her soul. That's when I knew she is dead. The warmth that remained was there was on the back because the blood pooled there. My final kiss goodbye for medzmama was on her cheek, her faced possibly cooled to room temperature. I reviled in disgust, the stillness and coolness I wasn't used to becoming of her, it felt wrong. I cried the moment I felt the wing of the hospital medzmama was in for the final time. The memory permanently etched to my conciousness.
For those of you who are new to my comic, medzmama means grandma in Armenian. I use that word with the Arevodians since they are Armenian. the male equivalent is medzbaba meaning grandpa. It comes naturally to me and it doesn't feel awkward because some people say abuelita, babushka, nonna, bubbie, or nana instead of grandma. I only use grandma whenever I am dealing with the ignorant, or my father's side of the family. 

I am not okay, I promise you, I don't feel good about anything. It's not that I am bawling my eyes out currently. I am 1000% stressed out because I'm missing several days at work dealing with my needy, codependent, mother who needs somebody to be a verbal punching bag 24/7 and an au pair!  Goddamn my uncles and aunts are a liability right about now and I am expecting them soon. I wish they would help out a bit but because they are guests therefore they are not obliged to help according to the stupid invisble rules of society. Not that my relationships with either side of my family are that warm and fuzzy. It's most likely they will flake out and not vistit like the other 100 times since I was aware of their existance. Couldn't visit her when medzmama was alive and well.  

It's not the flakiness I might be pissed off about. It's my mother's reaction to the flakiness that worries me. You know why I say I have become the verbal punching bag of the family, because they say stupid shit to guilt me, piss me off, and start a fight. She thinks I'm useless. This is what I want to say to her but I cannot BECAUSE SHORT FUSE! "Bullshit, mom, I! AM! HELPING! I try to help you calm down, slow down before you hurt yourself, think rationally, and start seeing the fine details! Guests are guests, they can be assholes but you're not in charge of their morality. It is not your fault because you invited them. I can vouch for myself in front of my boss myself. I am an adult. I am not that touchy feely person! Hire a therapist instead. Don't give me that "I did psychology blah blah blah" you're a nurse not a doctor. You're a mentally ill war survivor who is unaware of her own mental health and how you affect the people around you!"

I cannot complete a page, I cannot play a video game, I cannot even prepare my outfits, I cannot organize or fix my room. I CAN'T EVEN.  It's work work work work work work with the protocol. There is little wiggle room. Even in death medzmama becomes my first priority. Gosh it's making me put on weight because the only time I de-stress is when I eat or force myself to sleep.  I do not deal with emotions in a healthy manner. 

I'm dealing with people who have short fuses and I'm kind of mad the devil himself cut the wick even shorter than it has to be. Why? Because fuck you, its 2019, let's make the life of Suzy harder than it really has to be for entertainment. I also have to deal with retrieving my photos of her from my cloud and Instagram and putting it on a hard drive. But nooooooooooooooooo instagram has to make it 1000000 more compicated than it has to be and I had to reverse engineer the source code to download it.

 TL;DR. There are delays.