Thursday, August 29, 2013

Be mine!

I love Robyn. Sobrang nakakarelate ako sa mga kanta niya. Sapul na sapul tagus-tagusan sa axons and dendrites ko. Sa bawat mitochondria ng mga cells ko abot na abot.

Dear You,

It's a good thing tears never show in the pouring rain
Just a sweet pain of watching your back as you walk
As I'm watching you walk away

And now you're gone, there's like an echo in my head
And I remember every word you said
It's a cruel thing, You'll never know all the ways I tried

And now you're gone, there's like an echo in my head
And I remember every word you said
That you never were and you never will be mine
No, you never were and you never will be mine

For the first time, there is no mercy in your eyes
And the cold winds hitting my face, and you're gone
And you're walking away

And I am helpless sometimes, wishing's just no good
'Cause you don't see me like I wish you would
'Cause you never were and you never will be mine
No, you never were and you never will be mine

There's a moment to seize every time that we meet
But you always keep passing me by
But you never were and you never will be mine

I saw you at the station
You had your arm around, what's her name
She had on that scarf I gave you
And you got down to tie her laces
You looked happy and that's great
I just miss you, that's all

You never were and you never will be mine
No, you never were and you never will be mine
'Cause you never were and you never will be mine
No, you never were and you never will be mine

There's a moment to seize every time that we meet
But you always keep passing me by
No, you never were and you never will be mine

* * * * * * * * *

Parang gusto ko na lang lumaklak ng maraming Mefenamic Acid para wala na lang akong maramdamang sakit.

Tangina! kasi e.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

One Night Stand: A peak to the past and present


While the tremendous "habagat" is on its toll in Metro Manila filling each streets of Metro with flood, Me on the other hand is having my own tremendous flirtatious acts on twitter. Let's call him StarFish. Why StarFish? Coz' he lives on a sea. StarFish is a seaman in his mid-20's. Got average height and looks, kind of dark skin, short and clean hair style, got irresistible smile, Macho I should say and has a wonderfully molded perfect pecs.Yeah! He's got my fetish. The only thing I don't like about him is he's really madaldal. He talks a lot of things about him or he's family or his job. Anything that he wants to blur out will presumably be blurted out. I guess it's because of the nature of his job. I mean when he's out on the ocean I guess he doesn't have someone to talk to about those stuff so the result, whenever he comes home that's the only time he can share his experiences. Plus he's gay (not out to co-workers) and his family is in the province. Okay okay, I don't have issues with chatty people but gawd let me talk. He won't let me speak that's the problem. 

Okay.. So, we met each other thru chwirrer. Talked a lot of things about stuff then eventually exchanged numbers. We decided to meet as his last days on land is nearing. By the way, he's in a relationship at that time and Me... well, I was punishing myself for letting go of someone I truly love. I was a mess. I was in rage and a rebel combined into one. (I was trying to get a picture of him sa chuwirrer kaya lang he deleted his account)

"You can go here at my house and drink if you want" I said

*Ting! there you go.. the magic words*

"That's cool! Can I bring my laptop so we can watch movie? But you have to buy DVD coz' I don't have one" he said

"Sure" I answered

"The latest ones okay? I missed a lot when I was in the ship" he said

"Sure :)"

And so the day comes...

We were in my room having a bottle of Vodka (The cheaper one) chips and Baliwag liempo. We were both sitting on my bed, his laptop on another chair facing us. Ako ang tanggero. Gosh! ang lakas niya uminom lasing na ko siya mukhang hindi pa natatamaan. I was really really sleepy so I asked him if we can now lie down and sleep. He agreed. We were both lying down on my bed with lights off. I was not expecting anything to happen even though we talked about this already. Sabi pa niya "Ipunin mo yan lahat ah para pag nagkita tayo..." You all know what he's talking about right? 

So there, I was lying almost about to sleep when suddenly he hugged me. I was too groggy to respond. We were in that position for about 10 minutes. Hindi na ata siya nakapag intay kaya he got closer to me still hugging me. I can feel his warmth, his breath that smells alcohol -- bitter & sweet. Suddenly his hands start moving caressing my body up and down. Inch by Inch, it brings sudden electric impulse in Me. It feels ecstatic. A sudden euphoria. After a minute I was agitated. I was filled with sexual urge. I was fully aroused so I grabbed him leading towards on top of Me. We were facing each other then he kissed me. He kissed me like he never kissed before. Maybe because he doesn't have an intimate interaction for a while. His lips was soft that I couldn't help but to bite it. He then suddenly let his tongue out inside my mouth. I hugged him so tight. Ang init niya grabe. I brushed his head down to his back while we were kissing. He started licking my ears down to my neck down to my clavicle and then removed my shirt and then his shirt, and then back to what he was doing. He sucked and licked my nipple. I felt a strong and colossal sensation that made me shiver. I moaned and moaned and moaned and beg and beg and beg for him to come down. He removed my shorts and undies with his lips and yes it was sensational. He positioned himself in between my legs. Grabbed my pulsating cock and let his tongue lick every inch of it. Every space, every area did not let his tongue pass. Its like it has his own life. Sinipsip niya ito simula sa taas hanggang baba. It was an overload sensation. I was arching my back coz' of the extreme pleasure I'm getting. I held his head pushing it down asking for more, so he suck all of my cock. I couldn't contain myself so I grabbed him again and pin him down. I removed all of his clothes and started playing his nipples. I kissed, and sucked, and kissed, and sucked and licked his nipple. After a few minutes I started going down licking his body from his nipples down to his chest down to his abs down down down and give him a head. I heard him moaning so I though he was enjoying what I'm doing so mas ginanahan ako. I stick the tip of my tongue to the tip of his head licking it down to his frenulum down to his balls down to his perineum. He got wild. He moaned. He was delirium. I looked at him and saw him arching his back eyes shut. His face looks like he's drowning in sea of pleasure. We were like this for about 15 minutes when he told me to lie down. And so I did. He then opened my legs wide put some lube and tried to enter Me. Nahirapan siyang ipasok dahil years na ang nakaraan bago ang last ko at hindi pa ako relax. Lintek na to! all he wanted to do was too enter his stupid tool inside without making Me relax. Shet ka! After a while he was successful in his attempts but fuck! it was really really painful. 

"Teka! Masakit eh. Hindi ko talaga kaya. Ibang posisyon na lang" I plead

He nodded, so I lie down in prone position. He then again entered Me. This time there was no pain. He was in ecstasy. He was like an animal in fury and I was his prey. Every thrust was lecherous. An excessive sexual desire. It was like no end until... It was almost 30 minutes and still he hasn't reached climax yet. I was already exhausted. 

"Matagal ka pa ba?" I asked 


And then another 10 minutes passed. I was not enjoying this anymore. Yung itsura ko parang dedma na lang sa nangyayari kulang na lang magbasa ako ng dyaryo habang fina-fuck niya ko. So we ended up jacking off each other. Another ten minutes before he came. 

"Gusto mo mag kape muna tayo?" He asked while putting his shorts on.

"Next time na lang pagod na ko eh"

"Breakfast?" He again tried it one more time



I was in the gym doing my bench press while someone walked by. He looks very familiar and I'm sure I know this guy who passed by I just couldn't remember his name. And then I remember that night. It was StarFish. I stared at him one more time without noticing Me and it was really him. He looked at me but then snapped after a second. Sa isip isip ko, suplado to ah. Kala mo naman napaka galing sa kama. Hmp! So dedma ako sa kanya. A few weeks after, I was on the treadmill when I saw someone thru my peripheral vision approaching Me.

"Hey! Dito ka din pala nag gi-ym" He said

I had to remove my earphones to hear what he was saying.

"Huh?" I said. It was StarFish

"Di mo na ba ako natatandaan?" He asked

"Oh yeah! I remember you. Kelan ka pa bumalik?" I asked knowing he just got out of the ship

"Three months ago pa. Kamusta na?"

"Okay lang naman ikaw?"

"Okay lang din" He answered while flashing a big smile

"Tagal mo nawala ah" 

"Yeah! 9 months" He answered

We were talking while jogging on the treadmill. I noticed how he gained more muscles and still has those wonderfully perfect molded pecs. 

"Sige una na ko buhat muna ko" He said while pushing the stop button of the machine.

"Sure" I smiled

We did not exchange numbers but I'm sure I'll see him on the gym again. So let's see what will happen next.

"By the way, what time do you usually go here?" StarFish asked.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

The Conjuring: A not so epic review

Disclaimer: Pictures of some scenes to the film was posted in this review that can spoil the movie. If you haven't seen it yet, I advise you to skip reading this post. Otherwise, take the risk.

These days, if you claim to love watching horror, suspense and thriller movies; and have your own blog page then you'll have this instant authority and power to critique and create your own detailed analysis and assessment of your favorite horror film. Everyone's a critic as they say. This is my first time to make a review in a conventional way so please bare with me.

The movie was a blend of husband-wife-relationship and everything-happens-for-a-reason mantra. It was packed with sudden feeling of excitement with a nervous pass of creepiness and terrors. Camera shot angles, visual photography, tones and moods in each scenes, the sounds and actors/actresses method of acting complemented each other. I had those moments were you have to hold your breath and wait for "pang-gulat" moments. 


For Audio effects, It had this certain sound effects for specific scenes that will let you know how it feels and how it sounded like in real life. For example, the sound of a creaking tree when there's someone hung on it, or how it sound like when you're trying to gather noises thru boom mic, footsteps, doors closing and what not made the film more thrilling. I just had one problem with the scoring. It were all recycled from Insidious. There were also some scenes were the right timing for inserting a scary and freaky sound was not synchronized well to create a particular atmosphere. Hence, "pang-gulat" factors were anticipated. You already know what will happen next and for me that's a very important aspects in creating an effective horror movie. Wan only used three colors (black, gray, brown) in this movie to set the eerie mood in each scenes but it defined the over all impact of  freakiness in the movie. The start was a bit risky since nothing is really happening but I believed it was needed to build the characters, so it was not a big deal for me. Editing was smooth. Make ups, costume designs and special effects were all great except for the blood -- doesn't look scary or gory at all. 


The plot was perfect. Even the insertion of the story of "Anabelle the doll" as reference to the Warrens was good. The story and script was well written. The 'spiritual explanations' of the Warrens had a touch of sincerity that it imparted some knowledge in Me. I like how the story spins to the Warrens and Carolyn. I love how it transpired from Carolyn to Lorraine then Lorraine to Carolyn. 


Vera Farmiga, Patrick Wilson and Lily Taylor were all remarkable. They gave justice to their given roles. Highly exceptional without overdoing it. Patrick Wilson did a great job as a support to Vera Farmiga's role. It was like, he was doing really well but did not steal Farmiga's spotlight. Swabe lang kung baga. Lily Taylor, the main antagonist in the story was sensational. She was so genius that she separated the characters from normal Carolyn to Carolyn possessed perfectly. Vera Farmiga was astounding. She knows what she's doing. It was obvious that she meticulously studied her role very well and it showed. It showed in every scenes she had. The simple and little stares, facial expressions, her eyes and the delivery of lines were all flawless that it had a huge impact on Me. It was so perfect.

Some remarkable lines from Vera Farmiga

"Remember what you had told me"

"She's feeding her"

"..It latched to your family and its feeding of you"

"You won't, let's finish this together"

"God brought us together for a reason... This is it"

Two scenes with the same required acting but Vera did it with two different styles and attack.

First time she saw April's toy.

Second time she used the toy. 

Notice the eyes?

All in all, The Conjuring was something to remember as a reference for scary movies. A much better creation of Wan compared to Insidious. And if rumors were true that another two stories from The Warrens is now cooking then I should say that the next would be another hit. However, since mataas ang standards ko sa horror movies and this one did not give me that goosebumps all throughout the film....

Rotten Tomatoes gave them a rate of 86% but I will score this as 7.5

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Word Salad

I'm in the office staring at my distant monitor scrolling my mouse up and down excessively. I was bored to death. I finished everything I need to do. I was pretending that I'm busy so my manager would not notice that  I'm done. Hehe! and I realized that it's really not easy to pretend. I was clicking all the tabs on the task bar when this notepad that I've been using for almost 2 years popped up. It was my notepad with all the reminders and stuff that I need to follow up at work. So I read it just to kill time, and again; pretend that I'm busy. Nasurprise lang ako sa mga nakasulat doon. All this time I thought the notepad is pure work stuff but its not. . Let me show you those writings that are not work related in an unedited style.

Keith Urban - Tonight I Wanna Cry
Mans Zelmerlov - Impossible
Vengaboys - Forever as One
Evanescene - My Immortal
Celine Dion - My Heart Will Go On
Dashboard Confessional - Even Now
Leona Lewis - Better In Time
U2 - Walk On
Kelly Clarkson - Already Gone
Kelly Clarkson - Sober
Alexz Johnson - 2AM

*Habang nagta-trabaho nag iisip ng mga kanta? Hala! 

doesn't give proper reading
it doesn't fit to his ear.

*Wala ako idea kung bakit to andyan. Anu kaya iniisip ko nung nilagay ko yan?

realities never defined you.
you live in a life of your "blog"
and twitter. you never face realities.

*This was the words used by King against me when we had a fight.

tries to win my affection?
makes up with the sweetness?  
unusual intervention niya

*Pardon my grammar. Hihi! I can't remember this one as well.

invest quality friendship

If am being nice to you meaning 
i'm investing into something called quality friendship


*Ugghh... Clueless again

hubert webb boy abunda interview

*Saved it coz' I wanna watch the interview

Itchy nipples and sweaty palms

*When I was planning to create a blog, this was the title I'm planning to use. Kinky right?

I invoke my right to self incrimination

*Reading Articles I guess?

take over control afrojack

*Thinking of another song to download

you as a human being
wants diversity, wants variety 
you want everything right?

its what you do with that nautral 
feeling that defines you as a perspon
as a human being.

its natural for both male and female
to cheat

defining value the decision to
make that we want to be a good people

without laws we would hurt each other

they dont have the personal resistance
to say no im not gonna cheat with

the person I love.

*Heard from Mo Twister in his podcast

not all opinions are relative
there is a standard we live by and that 
standard has to be met or else our society
would be in an anarchial state

*From Mo Twister again

the negative attitude /personality kind of
makes a person do negative things if
you push towards the scenario 
that your personality dictates it to be 

*Mine? Haha!

classical conditioning -associate one
event with another event

*Reading something about Classical conditioning. A form of learning thru stimulus.

but if it continues to hurt you over and over 
in a viciously way and it just, in a way 
bad in your life and the 
people around you, you have to give it away


you used to hold me
feel so close
im not alone
stars come out
i can only imagine - david guetta
aerials- system of a down

*Listing songs to download again. Puro na ata ako download di na nagta-trabaho. Haha!

London olympics illuminati warnings

*Yes! I'm Illuminati and conspiracy freak. I'm a reader of vigilant citizen by the way

take over control
whistle flo rida
wild ones flo rida

*Songs songs songs songs


*I-search ko kasi sa Youtube kamuka kasi niya yung officemate ko. Screenshot then ise-send ko sa email sa lahat. Buwahahahahaha!

cher lloyd and mike posner
best i ever had vertical horizon
sexy single & free
lego house guitar cover
tadhana guitar cover
through the years acoustic
half life
barely breathing

raise your glass remix

*Obvious na bang hindi ako nagta-trabaho talaga?

Too ugly for love part 1
Multiple Personality Disorder: The woman with 7 personalities
Multiple Personality Disorder - Documentary

Flight From Darkness:Bipolar Disorder Documentary

*Mga documentaries sa Youtube na binabalak kong tapusin. Maganda yung Multiple personality disorder sobrang interesting at dun ko lang siya naintindihan fully. Yung dalawa di ko pa natapos.

di mawari kung paano ilalapat ang mga salita,
kung paano ilalathala ng mga titik.. sa
bawat salita, sa bawat parirala, sa bawat
pangungusap ang sigaw ng kaluluwa.

*Yung mga panahong in love ako pero di ko masabi sa kanya.

let it hurt and let it hurt for a long time. 
let it hurt as much as it can hurt.. and after 
you let it hurt.... one day it will not
hurt anymore.

*From Mo Twister again

you cant blame filipinos for being insecure and sensitive bec we are deprived of our own history we've been brought down by our colonizing forces, we've been brought down by our own selves we are a nation that wants to be loved, and we are not finding that love and so everytime
that something happened we are so onion skin bec we don't have tools to defend ourselves
if we just know how cool we are all the shit like the french will just roll over the back

*From Carlos Celdran when he guested to Mo's podcast. Very smart and intelligent person

your majesty thou art great accept this
humble offering i bow to you

*From 3 Idiots

Sex and gender are two diff things. sex is
determined by how are we biological born while 
gender is determined by social factors 

*Read it somewhere I guess

The Boy Who Lived Before - Extraordinary People

*Another documentary in Youtube. Was suggested by my supervisor. Oh di ba! Wala ng traba-trabaho. Haha!

junji arias (i'll be there for you)- team sarah
Hideyuki ito (its a mans world)- team sarah
angelica prado (dreams) -team bamboo
kim mainit (nobodys perfect)- team lea
lee grane (anak) - team bamboo
jordan castillo (ordinary people)- did not make it
Maki ricafort (foolish heart)- team sarah

*Planning to blog about The voice my top ten but have no time. You see kulang pa yung list ko

So there you go. Did I convinced you that I'm really not working?


Monday, August 19, 2013

Vanished into thin air

"Do you think I'm an adulterer?" I asked Ronald while puffing my cigarette.

Ronald has been my ka-barkada since high school. He's... well, not so tall but definitely taller than me with semical hair. He's the loudest among the group and by loud means the "ma-PR" in our group. He's witty, funny and very outspoken type of gay guy. He's currently working in a TV station and because of his dedication, one can say that he's truly and beyond any doubt a class act. What I like about Ronald is that he speaks openly and truthfully about something, especially difficult matters-- call spade a spade. 

The night was calm and gloomy. The sky was grey and have no stars. It's one of those nights where all you can see is black clouds and a vast grey plain field space. We're at the balcony where you can smell the fresh air and feel the cold breeze. The street was dark and empty. You can only see spots of yellow lights coming from the lamp-posts. We were four that night to drink some liquor and catch up with each other. We do this in our group every weekend. Sometimes we just hang out with each other's houses. Other times we go to a karaoke bar and sing our hearts out or just chill in a coffee shop. What's weird about us is that we do this in a break of day. Usually around 2AM. We're four at that time but originally we're eight.

"You think so?" Ronald answered 

"I guess? He's taken. I like him and he said he likes me too but he's in a relationship. I asked him if he would tell his boyfriend that he met someone from his blog. At first he wants to keep it a secret but I said not to" I answered with full honesty.

"Why? Didn't you think it would give his boyfriend a hint?" Ronald said forthrightly

"I did. That's why I insisted that he needs to tell it to his boyfriend so his partner wouldn't detest him knowing me" I exclaimed

"Did you ask how and what did he tell his boyfriend about you?" Ronald continuously interrogates me. "He might say something negative about you. Something demeaning or degrading."

"Yes" I answered then drink a half glass of alcohol.

"How?" Ronald asked

"He said there's someone who got a crush on him. Someone who reads his blog. A fan to make it precise." I went to the small table made of white marbles and make another pitcher of GSM blue with strawberry juice. 

"Well.. that's quite conceited and bragging don't you think?"

"I did. And I told him about it....."  

I interrupted Ronald Before he could ask why.

"He said it was just a lame excuse so his boyfriend can brush it off and never pay attention to it. He did it on purpose" I finished.

"Hhhmm.. it seems like he's serious about you the fact that he's protecting you. But..." 

"Will that suffice?" I asked

"Suffice what?" Ronald asked back

"That he's serious about me coz' he's protecting me." I explained

I gave him a half glass of alcohol. He grabbed and drink it straight.

"No. That's why there's a but" Ronald clarified

"There's always a but" I said tapping my cigarette removing the ashes while staring at the dark and empty streets.

Ronald nodded and stared at the room inside where R and Kelvin were sleeping. 

"But.. have you realized until when he'll do that?" Ronald said 

"I don't want to think about it. I don't want to think that I'm an adulterer or a cheater in a sense that I'm cheating with myself. I don't want to know until when we will do this or how we will do this. I don't want to think... think when he's with his boyfriend and what they might be doing. All I know is..." I grabbed the glass and drink some more

"All I know is... I like him. He's really interesting. He's definitely a catch. He could be sweet and romantic. What's weird was, we just got to know each other but it seems like I've been waiting for him all this time." Grabbed another glass and drink it straight 

"Have you ever felt this? Have you ever felt that you already know he's the one even though you haven't seen him in person? That bond and special connection between the two of you? " Grabbed another glass of gin. "It's like the universe conspires and connives. That even chance meetings are a result of fate --like what Paolo Coelho said. Its Maktub. That even in the smallest events there's no such thing as coincidence. That what we feel for each other is the result of the universe conspiring?"  I justified

"But remember, there's still a chance that he would choose his boyfriend over you. Pinasok mo yan dapat marunong ka din lumabas. Friend, payo lang. Huwag mo ibigay lahat. Magtira ka even though you think he's the one, he's in a relationship and he still loves his boyfriend. I'm happy that I can hear those romantic words to you again after your last heartbreak. It feels like you're alive again. But I'm also afraid that what made you feel that love again can also make you feel...." Ronald stares at me trying to figure out what I might feel when he finishes his statement. He knows I'm sensitive when it comes to this. 

I gave him a smile and then nod.

"Its okay." I said to him

He then grab the glass of alcohol and drink it, then puff his cigarette and blew it upwards.

"I'm also afraid that what made you feel that love again can also destroy you once again"

We were silent for a moment. 

I looked at him secretly. I can see in his face that he's trying to gauge my emotions. I can tell he's worried about me.On the other hand  I assured him I'm okay but trying to hide my fear.

I picked up the ash tray and unlit my cigarette. 

The smoke coming from my cigarette was vanished into thin air

Thursday, August 15, 2013

I Knew you were trouble


One of the disadvantages of Scorpio traits is being emotional. We are Compulsive, Obsessive and Jealous. And right now, its taking its toll on me. Hindi ako makapg trabaho ng maayos kakaisip.Naiinis ako sa sarili ko! Hindi ako mapakali. May gusto akong gawin pero hindi ko naman pwedeng gawin. Hindi ko pwedeng gawin dahil pag ginawa ko sisirain ko ang rules ko.

Before I made this blog I told and prepared myself that I will not do any stupid things. I will not allow myself to get interested with someone who's in the same cesspool (You know what I mean right?).  I will not let anyone cross this portal, that I'm just a story teller. That I am not allowed to get involved or attached to someone. No personal relationship that can lead to intimate/romantic one.


Pero hindi ako mapakali kasi gusto ko pa siya makausap at makipag kwentuhan beyond this cosmos (blogsphere). I'm not satisfied with interaction sa..... Gusto ko pa siya makilala ng lubos. This boy is definitely a catch. I was hooked already.

I'm not planning anything or expecting something but I really find him interesting but I can't do that. I can't. Sabi ko noon ang blog ko ay para lamang sa aking mga kwento at kung saka-sakali man para din maka inspire ng ibang tao na mag sulat din. Kung uunahin ko ang nararamdaman ko (Which is yung interest ko sa kanya) mawawalan ng saysay ang purpose ko at essence ko sa pagba-blog. Madudumihan ang intensyon ko at kung sa extremes-- Mawawalan ako ng credibility.

Pero damn! hindi talaga ako mapakali. Alam mo yung feeling na gutom na gutom ka pa sa kanya? Yung nanginginig ka dahil sa raging desires mo? Tapos nate-tempt ka pang kunin ang number niya?

Hay jusko po! Wish I can control this.

Shame on me.

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

An Introspection to Wonderland


This past few months, I've been having the same dreams over and over again. It's not consecutive weeks or days but its effin consistent and it's starting to freak me out. I'm not a strong believer of superstitious beliefs nor a fan of any paranormal phenomena but this one, it really weird-ed me out. One can argue that dreams are somewhat an interpretation of fears and desires. An introjection of one's avidity over something or someone. And this would be our Introspection to Wonderland

I have three dreams that I kept on seeing. A spider, Soldier and cracked teeth. Unlike Alice in Wonderland, She had a progressive and continuous dream during her childhood. Joseph (The dreamer) on the other hand have surreal philosophical dreams about the future. In my case, there's a certain scenarios in every dream that contains a spider, soldier and cracked teeth. A glimpse lasting for about a minute. Like a teaser, a snippet or something.

My dreams are so bizarre that it piqued my curiosity -- and so I researched about the 'possible' interpretation of my dreams. Annotate in a scientific manner through Oneirology. Charot!


In my dream, I was being chased by a big spider.

According to Huffingtonpost, spiders are associated with manipulation. Depending on the rest of the dream, the spider may indicate that the dreamer is being manipulated or that the dreamer is a manipulator. I mentioned this to my friend R

"Eh bat ganun, naisip ko wala naman nagma-manipulate sakin or wala naman ako mina-manipulate?" I asked R

"Baka family mo..." R answered

For a moment I was silent. Then I realized, There's a huge percentage that I am being manipulated by my family. You see, I took up nursing because my mother wants it not because I want it and up until now... now that I already graduated and decided not to pursue it, I still am having troubles fixing and deciding what I really want in my life. What I mean is, Nahihirapan akong ayusin ang buhay ko base sa kung ano ang gusto kong maging forever. Siyempre wala naman akong balak mag stay dito sa company na to (BPO) pero nahihirapan akong tuparin ang gusto ko dahil--- mahirap. I already wasted four years of my life. Gusto ko sana mag aral uli or mag masteral kaya lang may mga bagay na hindi ko pa kayang gawin or hindi ko pa pwedeng gawin because at this moment I was stuck. So, yes! I was being manipulated. Medyo malabo ang explanation ko kasi it deserves another blog entry. 


In my dream, I was a solider somewhere in middle east in a deserted area. The scene was I'm in a war. On the battle ground itself fighting for something I don't know. 

Well, I do have this lunatic fantasy of being a soldier but that's not enough reason for me to have this kind of dream consistently right? So I dig deeper.

Real meaning of dreams said if not all but most of war dream means there is some form of conflict in your waking life whether it be internal conflict within your own mind or external conflict. There could be parts of yourself that are in conflict with each other. Hmmm... maybe I'm in conflict with myself because of until now, at this age I still don't know what I wanted to be. I'm 25 and still I can't make up my mind if I wanted to be a surgeon, a psychologist, an event organizer or a mother of three. Char!

Cracked Teeth

In my dream, when I was about to bite something; suddenly my tooth's falling apart one by one.

In our culture, ang ibig sabihin daw nito ay may mamamatay sa pamilya or relatives mo. Eh duh! ilang beses ko na nga napapanaginipan wala naman namamatay. So i'd go for more scientific explanation about this. The more acceptable one.

Pursuant to teethfallingoutdream, Broken teeth in a dream are a representation of disruptive challenges and stress. They gave six primary meanings of a broken teeth in a dream.

1. Instability and lack of balance.
2. Issues with reliability and trust
3. Guilt or concern over broken promises
4. Emotional pain, fear of loss
5. Price paid for costly compromises
6. Invitation to look at your current course of action, path.

Need I say more?

* * * * *

Did you see the connection of the three dreams? Galing noh? Human behaviors never fail to amuse and fascinate me in a very strange and unusual scheme.

So there, it all boils down within Me. My inner self. My id, ego and superego.

Monday, August 12, 2013

Office gossip

Do you still remember Joy? The Tom Sawyer?

Yes! Step by step we're now getting back to what we used to be. Not totally but we're getting there. Biro nga ng mga ka-opisina namin "Kayo na uli?" Tsaka "Look! They're inseparable again." eeewww! As if naman. Charot! 

We have been talking and exchanging messages thru office communicator this past few weeks and boy! its like nothing happened between us. 

Ganyan kami mag tsismisan. Patago. Behind the scenes kung baga. Hehe!

Perfect guy? Spark? Its like looking for a needle in a haystack. A true square peg in a round hole. You may say I'm hard as a nail but good lord I'm just trying to be realistic here. I don't believe in spark nor in chemistry but I do believe in compatibility. Spark and chemistry is way different from compatibility. Compatibility is a feeling of sympathetic understanding while chemistry and spark is actually a fairly vague metaphorical term for that-romantic-spark-between-two-people. For Me, compatibility is more mature and realistic while spark is immature, childish and delusional vision of intimate relationships. (Bitter!)

But seriously, do you really believe that you'll feel this "spark" and "chemistry" while on a date with someone? Hormones lang yan teh. That is actually the downside and/or side effects ng panonood ng be careful with my heart-- false hopes. (Bitter Ocampo uli!) Anyway, kanya kanya naman yan eh. Kung sa tingin mo kaya mo naman i-handle ang situation bakit hindi di ba ang importante lang naman.... Hindi ko sasabihing "masaya ka" kasi minsan sa sobrang saya natin nagiging selfish na tayo. Hindi na realistic pag sinabi kong ang importante masaya ka. Incomplete sentence. It should be ang importante masaya kayong dalawa. Ewan! Kung ano ano na sinasabi ko. Sabaw na sabaw. Haha!


Do you believe in Sparks and chemisty?

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Pets Pets Pets

Because of Felipe's post about his pet cat Torrent, I couldn't help myself but to mesmerize the times I had my own pet. From cat to dog to askal to turtle to fish to lovebirds to sisiw to omang -- lahat ng yan nasubukan ko ng alagaan. Kulang na lang ako ng amphibians para masabing naalagaan ko na lahat ng specie ng hayop. Charot!

Iba iba ang karanasan ko sa pag aalaga ng hayop. May madali, may high maintenance meron din namang dedma lang meron namang isang araw lang tsugi na meron tumagal ng sampung taon meron di ko masyado mahal meron ding mahal na mahal ko at meron ding parang wala lungs. Kaya heto isa isahin natin balikan ang nakaraan sa kadahilanang wala lang. Masarap lang balikan yung mga araw na may inaalagaan ka at inaasikaso.


Sino ba namang bata ang hindi magkakaroon ng pagkakataong mag alaga ng Omang? Sa lahat ng mga na alagaan ko sila yung parang wala lang. Iwan mo lang sila sa tabi tapos nun dedma na. Hindi high maintenance. Medyo may pagka-gago din ako noon. Eh anung magagawa ko curious ako kung anong nasa loob ng bahay nila kaya ang ginawa ko hinila ko siya palabas. Ayun na tsugi si Omang. 


                      (Not the actual pet)

Though hindi ko naman binili yung may mga kulay dahil ayaw ng Mommy ko dahil nakakaawa daw sila at hindi dapat binibili kaya ang pinili ko lang yung may mga natural color. Nakakatakot sila alagaan kasi pakalat kalat sila sa kwarto ko. Minsan, nung umaga pag gising ko pag tayo ko sa kama naapakan ko yung isa nabali yung paa niya umiyak siya. Kawawa iyak ng iyak eh wala akong magawa non kaya ginawa ko nilagyan ko ng band aid. (As if may maitutulong yun) Hahaha!


                         (Not the actual pet)

My mom bought this for no apparent reason. Ewan ko di ko alam kung bakit siya binili ng mommy ko. Eto medyo tumagal din naman sa amin kaya lang para silang mga housemate na isa isang nauubos sa loob ng bahay ni kuya. nung una apat sila dalawang couple. Eh yung cage nila nakapatong lang noon sa seat, pag gising namin shutay na yung isa nilafang ng pusa so ang nangyari na depress yung jowaers niya kaya the next day na tsugi din siya. So dalawa na lang natira. Matibay yung dalawa umabot din ng months. kaya lang kinain ni Sharon yung isa (nakasabit na at that time yung cage) eh ang taas tumalon ni Sharon kaya na lafang niya. Sharon is our self proclaimed pet cat. Ang mahirap lang sa pag aalaga ng lovebirds yung paglilinis ng cage. Ang daming poo poo josko!


                            (Not the actual pet)

Isa sa mga pet na hinding hindi mawawala sa listahan ng mga bata. One of the most boring pet ever. Di mo naman sila ma play kasi pag hinawakan mo magtatago sila. Ang bagal bagal kumilos na pag tinitigan mo sila aantukin ka sa bagal nila. Walang excitement. Walang thrill. Ang baho pa ng poo poo nila.


                         (Not the actual pet)

Yan na yung pinaka closest na itsura nung askal na inalagaan namin but he was a lil smaller. Cookie was his name because of the color of his skin. Alaga siya ng kapitbahay na binigay sa amin dahil hindi na daw niya kayang alagaan. Tinanggap naman namin kasi we missed having a dog after Chuckie died. Close kami ni Cookie. Tahimik at mahiyain siya. Not your typical dog. Hindi maharot at may super bark siya. Choz! Ayun lang hindi ko na matandaan yung iba or mas tinandaan ko lang siguro ang relationship namin ni Chuckie


                       (Not the actual pet)

This is the closest picture na kamukha ni Sharon. Sharon was her name. Our "self-proclaimed-bitch". Self proclaimed kasi feeling niya pet namin siya pero hindi naman. Ang alam ko pet siya ng kapitbahay namin eh lagi siyang nasa bahay noon so binigay na lang sa amin wala din namang magagawa yung tunay na may ari kung ayaw ni Sharon di ba? I named her Sharon kasi tampok ang tambalang Sharon-Gabby noon and yes, may asawa din siya Gabby din ang pangalan. Ganun din ang naging kapalaran nila same with the artists, iniwan din siya ni Gabby. Hahaha! Si Sharon ang pinaka matagal na naging pet namin. Eh paano ba naman kasi ayaw talaga sa kanya ng mommy ko kasi inuubos niya yung ulam namin na nakahain sa mesa. ilang beses na din namin niligaw yan pero balik ng balik. Kaya siya naging self proclaimed. Haha! Though marami din naman siyang naitutulong samin gaya ng walang ka-daga daga sa bahay dahil siya ang reyna ng ancestral house namin. May pagka weirdo din itong si Sharon kasi one time pag gising ko noon sa umaga nakita ko siyang nanganganak tapos kinakain niya yung placenta niya. imagine may reaction pag gising ganun makikita mo?! Nakakaloka! 

One thing I love about cats is their pagiging malinis. Yes! Kapag nag pu-poo poo sila hindi sa loob ng balur sa labas tapos maghuhukay pa sila para dun mag poop. Taray noh? Sabeeee! Hahaha!

Since Gago nga ako noon sinubukan ko sa kanya kung totoo ba yung kasabihan na kapag pinaliguan mo daw ang pusa-- babagyo. Ang nangyari nakalmot ako ng puta.


                    (Not the actual pet)

This is the closest picture sa actual na itsura ng pet dog namin although iba lang ng color medyo may pagka brownish na caramel kasi yung sa amin. Hindi ko na kasi ma retrieve yung picture niya sa Friendster since all of them was already deleted. So sad. Moving forward,  His name was Chuckie. My sister named him Chuckie dahil pareho sila ng characteristic ng hair ni Chuckie from Rugrats. 


Di ba? Nabigyan naman ng justice eh. 

Si Chuckie was the most beloved pet. He was given by our cousin. A half spitz half poodle dog. Maharot yan. Kala mo laging naka cobra kung mang harot sa amin. Matakaw tsaka mahilig maglaro sa labas. Siya yung gumigisng sa amin sa umaga. Kinakatok niya ako noon lagi sa kwarto tapos pag bukas mo ng door tatalon agad yan sa kama tas tititigan ka lang. pag lumapit ka naman tatakbo papalayo. baliw lang ang peg. Napalo ko siya noon dati ng dalawang beses. Paano ba naman kasi tinapakan niya yung retainers ko tapos nasira kaya pinalo ko. Hehe! 

Despite of that, love na love ko si Chuckie. He knows when I'm sad. lalapit siya sakin tapos lalambingin ka niya or makikipag laro. Parang inaaliw ako ganyan. Medyo moody din siya kasi minsan ayaw ako katabi sa pagtulog. Tse!

Nagkasakit si Chuckie. He had worms in his heart ang sabi ng vet. and there's no way to get it out from him since his too young. I remember palitan pa kami noon sa pagbabantay kay Chuckie to make sure his drinking enough water yung Dr. Waters ek ek ba yun? Para hindi siya ma dehydrate kasi nagtatae siya nun tapos may time pa nag poo poo siya ng dugo. Grabe awang awa talaga ako sa kanya nun. Eh kasi naman ang harot harot niya kahit di pa tapos yung injection niya for worms labas ng labas ayan tuloy. I cried like a baby when he died. 

I really miss him so much. If ever magkaka pet ako uli gusto ko si Chuckie 

Ayaw ko ng iba :(

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Dead End

It was wee hours of Saturday when K asked me to come over at his place.

is the same that I posted before.

"Pag sinabi ko bang pumunta ka? Pupunta ka ba?" He BBMed me.

I wasn't able to screenshot the conversation. It was too late when I decided that I would blog about this.

"Punta saan? Kung tama ang iniisip ko gusto mo ko magpunta diyan sa bahay niyo?" I asked with a little bit of excitement. Sa isip ko, Was he trying to give it another chance?

"Wag na lang kalimutan mo na lang" K responded apathetically

"Oo! Pupunta ako kung gusto mo kahit nakakatakot na bumiyahe" I insisted

K lives up north somewhere in QC near Trinoma while Me was residing here in Mandaluyong. So imagine kung ba-byahe ako ng 3AM papuntang QC ng commute lang. Nakakatakot di ba, but still I'm willing to go there kasi gusto niya eh.

"Wag na lang. Matulog ka na" K said

I replied (White bubble)

I'm already a douchebag

And I don't need another one.

Next please..

Monday, August 5, 2013

I'll drink to that

I was walking into my room but I couldn't see where I'm going. Everything was a big blur. One big surreal blur. I Put my bag on the table, took off my shirt and dropped myself  on the bed. I still have that wristband on. The world is spinning.

I feel so cold....

and numb...

and dizzy....



I woke up with my pants on, topless, smells like shit


What the?!

What the hell happened?

Why do I have puke all over me?

* * * * *

King, R and I went to Bed (Gay Club) last saturday night. Actually sabit lang talaga kami ni R since it was really King's lakad with his friend Ronch and the infamous Max. Remember him? It was our first time to be in Bed Manila after its re-opening last last week. The place was still posh and high end in its nature only a little smaller compared to the previous one in Malate. The music is still great as it was. Rave party indeed. Crowd --- same old same old. Anyway, this is actually not a review about the new Bed in Greenfield District. It's about me getting drunk, wasted and fucked up for the first time. Yes! Dear readers you got that right. First time kong malasing ng ganun.

So what happens when you combine Bull frog (1 part tequila, 1 part vodka, 1 part Gin, 1 part White rum, 1 part Blue curacao and 1 Red Bull) plus Bacardi coke plus couple bottles of San Mig light?



Charot! Hindi naman death pero near death pwede pa. Kasi naman dalawa lang kami ni King umubos ng isang peacher ng Bull frog. R went home after an hour or two, Ronch cannot drink too much since he'll drive after and Max doesn't want to drink that freaking Bull frog. It was kinda weird actually coz' I can still remember everything. Everything that I did and had happened.

So here's the effects of Bull frog + Bacardi + San mig light during and after being intoxicated.

1. Dizziness/Slight drowsiness/Headache

     Eto yung unang effect na mararamdaman mo mga after 2-3 sips of bull frog and a couple bottles of San Mig light. Medyo kontrolado mo pa ang kilos mo at pananalita mo. You still have control over your emotions and perceptions. Mahiyain ka pa sa stage na yan. kumbaga image conscious ka pa.

2. "E" effect

     "E" as in ecstasy effect. Yes! dear readers. Ecstasy as in yung drugs na E. You'll experience a lil bit of ecstasy. Yung tipong every pound ng bass sa music ramdam na ramdam mo. Every strobe lights kumikiliti sa paningin mo. Tapos maha-hyper ka. Sayaw ka lang ng sayaw. wala ka ng pakielam sa mga kasama mo basta ang gusto mo lang sumayaw ng sumayaw na para bang bawal ng sumayaw bukas. Tapos you'll be emotional in a way that you'll entertain every emotion you feel. When you feel that urge to kiss someone or hug someone or lick someone's neck.. with no hesitaions gagawin mo. Kakahiya! At this time, I was trying to hook up with King's friend Ronch and... unfortunately, Max. Ang kati ko lang at dalawa silang nilalandi ko. Hindi ko alam kung anong meron pero hindi ko talaga mapigil yung certain urge to do those things. It was really horrible and embarrassing. Though I like Ronch naman talaga when I first saw him pero being the mahiyain and torpe me I didn't make a move until I was possessed with Alcoholic demons. When Ronch decided to go home (kasi inaantok na daw siya) I was everywhere. Grabe! Next thing I know I was flirting with someone AND with Max. Ang landi ko lang. Hahaha!

3. Selective Amnesia

    This part was a little bit of humiliating. Hindi ko kasi matandaan pangalan ng mga kasama ko. Akala tuloy nila insignificant sila sakin or unremarkable but the truth is... I really can't remember at kahit anong pilit kong tandaan hindi ko talaga maisip. There's this one time na when I was flirting with someone, we're talking and hugging and kissing for an hour  or so I suddenly I asked him.... "What's your name again?" Hahahaha! Nakakahiya na nakakatawa yun. Siya din ang reason kung bakit ako sobrang nalasing kasi every hug and kiss he was offering me a cup of Bacardi eh ako naman go lang ng go maka landi lang. Haha!

3. MJ effect

    Mj as in Marijuana effect. Yes! After ng ecstasy meron ding Marijuana effect. Tawa kasi ako ng tawa for no apparent  and odd reasons. Natatawa ako sa mga simple at maliliit na bagay like when we were having breakfast sa KFC. I was laughing kasi I ordered the AM steak bowl tapos nung kinain ko na siya it was chicken. Sabi ko "Hahaha! bakit hahaha puro chicken hahaha ang sine-serve nila hahaha!" The heck?! Lol.

4. Very honest

    Buti na lang chill lang si Max and hindi ako nasuntok. Haha! I told him that he was a Douchebag for ditching my friend. Tapos, I also admit to Ronch that I like him. Wait, I guess not... or subtly I expressed my feelings for him ata. Ewan! I can't remember. Haha!

5. Puke

And yes wala akong ginawa buong sunday kundi ang sumuka ng sumuka ng sumuka ng sumuka.

I'll never drink alcohol again. Never!

Ugh, wait... let me re-phrase that

I'll never drink Bull frog + Bacardi + 2 Bottles of San Mig light again.