Monday, July 10, 2006

Suri You Jest

How delicious is all the brouhaha over Tom Cruise's "baby"? Let me count the ways!

First up, the current edition of Us Weekly has this cover:

Sure, Us is a teensy bit behind the times, at least gossip-wise, but a cover story does tend to legitimize so-called "crazy" interweb rumors, sort of. I mean, I certainly tend to believe things more if they are in Us or Star, although I also tend to believe anything having to do with celebrities, from whatever crazy source I can get my hands on. Tell me you heard from your manicurist's brother's wife's oral hygienist who once cleaned Nicole Richie's teeth and says they are all dentures, and I will not only believe it, but will print it for all the internets to see. Hypothetically, of course. It's just part of my nature, like my tendency towards in-between-meal snacking, slathering self-tanner on my hide, and having a European attitude towards bathing.

Also, the Us website has an awesome Doomsday Clock counting the days, hours, minutes, and seconds since Suri Cruise's birth without a public appearance. In case you're wondering, the world has been waiting with baited breath for 83 days, 9 hours, and 52 minutes as of right now...

Then today, TMZ.comput Suri's alleged "birth certificate" online:

TMZ also notes some of the oddities that surround the birth certificate, such as its late filing, illegible signature, and the fact that the hospital's official "certifier" never saw the baby. Veddy interestink, I say, stroking my chin and raising my eyebrow meaningfully. Veddy, veddy interestink, indeed! (Actually, that's another one of my tendencies--I will speak in an unidentifiable, sometimes Teutonic, someimes Boris-and-Natasha-style accent and stroke my chin at the drop of a hat. Still, it's appropriate here, I seenk, darlink, don't you?)

Oh, and those wacky Emmy Awards decided to nominate the delightful Tom Cruise-themed "Trapped In the Closet" episode of "South Park" for the "Outstanding Animaed Program" category!

You know, just when I begin to despair of our culture and yes, even our species, something like this happens to reaffirm my faith in humanity. Thanks Academy of Television Arts and Sciences! Thanks from the whole human race...and from Suri Cruise.

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