Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Last night I had a dream I was going to war. I wasn't sure what I was going to do, because my war-staff had been broken in the last battle, which we had won. I had attended the Longbaugh Film Festival and there had been a particularly terrible horror film, so I suppose that didn't help.

This dream was interspersed with anxiety dreams about work and the various other things that have been weighing heavily on my mind lately. I'm not sure what it is -- it seems like everything is going wrong this month. Chances are it's just me though. Someone once said that when a person comes out of rehab, the most frequent comment is that the whole world has changed. Of course, it isn't likely that the whole world changed, only the person viewing it. That's how I feel right now, but while it seems like the whole world is falling down around me, I'm sure that I'm the only one doing any falling.

Yesterday I went Christmas shopping. It was an empty experience. Money, money, money. Feh. I hate it so much. Especially when your lonely like me. I even signed up for online dating just in case I find someone special. Failed at that. This is the place where I would put some vain promise to myself that I will make gifts next year and thus feel more fulfilled in the giving experience, but it would be a complete delusion. It's the same reason I don't make any New Year's resolutions -- just another opportunity to let myself down.

I just want it all to be over. I'm so tired of the holidays already. I feel like I'm coming apart at the seams.