Separation Strategies



Children often bring things with them to help them make that transition from the security of home and parents to school or other new places. Holding on to those objects tells us that they are not quite ready to give themselves over to the new environment. Their behavior acts out that old Jimmy Durante song, “Did you ever get the feeling that you wanted to go while you also had the feeling that you wanted to stay?  We can see from their behavior when they’re ready to stay.

Parents often have those same moment of indecision when it comes to separating from their children. A group of mothers talked about their own strategies for dealing with feelings about separation – their own feelings as well as their children’s. In this new technological world, questions about the use of “face time” were raised. One mom said she had used it successfully with her older child but her eighteen-month-old became very upset about the image without the actual presence. Another mom said it had been successful as a way to maintain contact with her son’s father when he was away, but she has only used when she was the one present – never when she was away.

While the mothers were talking a child in another room began crying hysterically. One mother, recognizing it was her child went to get him from where he had been playing with an adult supervising. It turned out that she had been with him for a while in that room but then left, “sneaking out” so as not to upset him. She realized that it was his sudden awareness that she was gone that set off his upset. Thinking she would make things easier if he didn’t know she was leaving, it ended up making things worse.


As parents we can learn from children’s behavior that given the initial support they need, they devise their own strategies for dealing with things they find difficult