Thursday, 12 July 2012

Why doesn't my Boyfriend / Husband share stuffs from his Life

A classic example of small chunk / big chunk filter in everyday life:

            A common combination of characters in a relationship includes an enthusiastic, bubbly, emotional sanguine girl and a quiet, relatively serious, logical guy. These characters are complementary in so many ways yet often have a lot of fights and arguments due to misunderstandings. One of the sources of the misunderstandings is the use of different personal filters. Such a girl is typically a small chunk person while the guy is a big chunk person. This is just one example of how things can unfold and how to tackle it.

        Let us assume Vrushali and Benet is a newly married couple. Vrushali being the small filter person and Benet the big chunk person. Both come home from work and spend some time together sharing their day.

      Vrushali talks a lot and goes on about everything that happened that day. She shares even the most insignificant detail, gossips along with major happenings of the day. She expresses a myriad of emotions while describing the day. She is happy that her friend is pregnant; she is very irritated that someone keeps misplacing her stationeries; she is excited about the next big project she is going to get and so on. 
Benet listens patiently giving just the right reactions at the right time (which is a heroic as task). Soon it is his turn to share and he goes “Oh well just another usual day – Did some paperwork and finished some projects - Nothing big” in a plain tone. Benet is under the impression he is being a good husband but his wife can be having a lot of confusions.

People usually evaluate others like their own self, unless they are extremely understanding. Vrushali being a small filter person might feel unloved, insecure and confused at her husband’s reaction. She shares everything in her life with him but he just has two sentences to say about his whole day. “Is he losing interest in me? Why does not want to share stuff with me? Does he not like talking to me?” Whatever be the answers she concludes for these questions it is not gonna be of much help. 

What Vrushali should understand is that while the details are important for her to share with him it is not the same for him. But it doesn’t mean he is losing interest or anything. For him things need to be much bigger to share. For eg, if he leads a team which break some record set in the company he will be excited enough to tell her. At that time he will start right from how he put together the whole team to how he finished the task giving account for each day of the project.

Understanding others’ filters can help solve a lot of such confusions. Respect his / her choice of filters because that is why you loved them in the first place. Benet gives Vrushali undivided attention and understands that small small things mean so much to her. If Vrushali also understands and accepts that his sharing less has nothing to do with his feelings for her and it is just how he has grown up, well that is  when you hear HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

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