Grading Sports Sex Scandals

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She gets half his shit.

In a year where it seemed more sports stars then ever were getting themselves mired in sex scandals, the latest revelations about Tiger Woods has America buzzing. Some people are expressing disappointment, some are amazed that their idol has fallen. Frankly the only thing that surprised us was how he was able to keep things quiet for so long. How does the most recognizable person on the planet manage to bang some women on the side and keep it quiet for three years? Most guys get can barely look at another woman without getting an ear full from their wives.

If you are the kind of person who is shocked to hear that a young, famous, star athlete, who travels constantly without his wife and is worth a billion dollars somehow gave into temptation then you might just want to cancel your T.V. subscription and pull your internet connection. It wasn’t just Tiger though. Ben Roethlisberger, Shaq, Shawne Merriman, Rick Pitino and Steve Phillips have all had their share of trouble. Let’s face it, star athletes and sports personalities don’t live in the normal world. They are subject to the kind of temptations that ordinary guys don’t have to deal with.

People ask, why do stars get into these situations. They ask whether the pressures of fame are part of the problem. These are good questions, but really, the most important question is: was she hot? Was the woman at the center of the troubles encountered by these sports stars hot enough to warrant the shit storm that eventually ensued? We’re going to review some of the big scandals of the year to answer that question.

Note : We’re going to avoid the Steve McNair mess, because even we have standards.

Steve Phillips

alg steve phillips close 300x225Phillips is the former Genereal Manager of the NY Mets and became a Baseball analyst for ESPN. During his time with the Mets he was caught banging an employee when she sued for sexual harassment so it wasn’t that big a shocker to find out that he was dipping his pen in the company ink again.

This time it was 22 year-old production assistant Brooke Hundley who got some loving from Phillips. The affair came out when Hundley decided to visit Phillips’ wife and leave her a note about the affair.

So who did Phillips risk his family and career for?

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Sorry Phillips, you are a dumb ass. You get an ‘F’. Epic failure.

Rick Pitino

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Pitino is the fiery  basketball coach at the University of Lousiville. He’s the only coach to have ever led three different teams to the Final Four and used to coach in the NBA.

In April of 2009 Pitino was forced to go to the police because he claimed a woman named Karen Sypher was trying to extort him after an affair they had. Sypher was the wife of one of the equipment managers for the Lousville team, but the crazy train wasn’t done pulling out of the station yet. After she was arrested Sypher claimed Pitino raped her. Then there was some craziness about an abortion and something about Sypher’s husband being paid to marry her.

We have no idea what happened exactly except that it was a complete FUBAR, so, was she worth it?

karen sypher tapesWe gotta give Pitino a ‘D” on this one. She looks ok for her age but given the level of insanity, the cost/benefit analysis does not compute.

Shawne Merriman

merriman 219x300That scary dude above is the 6’4″, 265 pound linebacker from the San Diego chargers. He’s regarded as one of the best and most feared tacklers in the game. When he was not busy ripping the heads off of quarterbacks he was apparently dating a 5′, 98 pound model turned media junkie by the name of Tila Tequila.

Apparently things did not go well for the couple this year because Tequila called the police one night and Merriman was arrested for allegedly choking and restraining her. According to Merriman though, Tequila was drunk and he was trying to stop her from driving until he could get her home safely. We have no idea what happened that night except that Merriman now has a lawsuit on his hands.

So was it worth it?

tila tequila 300x300Yeah ok, the situation sucks and this grade is in no way a comment on whether Merriman was right or wrong and certainly we do not advocate any domestic violence, but damn, troubles or not “B+”.

Ben Roethlisberger

ben roethlisberger 11649Ben is the quarterback for the Pittburgh Steelers and set a record by winning the Super Bowl as the starting quarterback when he was only 23. Rumor has it that having a Super  Bowl ring adds 3 inches to your wiener and Ben has two of them (rings not wieners), so understandably Ben is probably pretty successful with the ladies.This year though, one lady came forward and claimed ‘Big Ben’ assaulted her. Her name was Andrea McNulty, an employee at Harrah’s Casino and she filed a civil suit but did not press criminal charges against Ben.

Again, we have no idea what happened that night and Ben denies allegations. He also has not said if anything consensual happened between the two. So in this case we’re going to have to speculate a bit and assume that Ben and the lady may have had some kind of relationship before things went bad. If that is the case then what’s the grade?

andrea mcnulty 2Two Super Bowl rings, millions of dollars and fame and you’re messing around with this? If Ben did have some relations with her we have to give him a “D” on this one.

Shaq – just Shaq


After a hall of fame career Shaq joined the Cleveland Cavaliers this year to see if his aging body could help King James take home the trophy finally. It seemed Shaq was getting a little bored in Cleveland though, (and really who can blame him) because rumors began to surface that he was taking it to the post with a lady named Laura Govan.

What made this even more interesting was that Govan was the fiance of Gilbert Arenas, the star on the Wizards basketball team. Shaq and Govan allegedly traded some pretty hot emails and the rumors didn’t sit well with Shaq’s wife who filed for divorce shortly after the news broke.

So what is the verdict on the Shaq’s latest conquest?

laura govanRead out loud Shaq: You get a “C-“. Really? As Edlover would say, “C’mon son!”

Tiger Woods

tiger woodsThe guy has spent the last 12 years tearing up golf courses and becoming the first billion dollar athlete. In the space of one week though, he has gone from golf icon to the dummy who got his ass beat by his Viking wife because he couldn’t keep his driver in the fairway. Then it turns out he wasn’t just playing through with one girl, but now the count is up to nine. So how did Tiger do?

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Well, he has to get some points simply for quantity even if the quality is not quite there. So initially we gave him a “B”. But then we remembered this:

elinnordegrenSorry Tiger, your wife’s awesome level of hotness forces us to downgrade your choices to a “D-“