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My brother-in-law is an alcoholic!

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by mayasupernova, Nov 14, 2015.

  1. mayasupernova

    mayasupernova Active Contributor

    Hello to all,
    I have to share this story with you.

    My sister married a guy who is 4 years her junior, in his 20s. He came into our family and we welcomed him, all the way believe he was not using either drugs or drinking alcohol. No one assumed he was a drunkard, a violent one for that matter. Not even my sister, or else she didn't want to admit he was.
    Until one day, a few days ago, they had some argument and he hit her in the head. She is a petite person, very small and very skinny, so the hit in the head resulted in her losing her consciousness.

    I am not sure what to do about it. She said she didn't want to report him because he apologized later on, and he hasn't hit her ever since.
    How to approach him and help him realize he has a problem?
  2. kgord

    kgord Community Champion

    maya, I think violence in a relationship is a total dealbreaker. I would go to your sister and encourage her to leave him until he gets help. That was a serious incident that happened...if he hit her hard enough to lose consciousness is she going to die next time??? Abuse is no laughing matter. If it happened once, without professional intervention it will almost certainly happen again.
    doatk22, deanokat and mayasupernova like this.
  3. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    If she doesn't want to get the police involved then that is one thing but she needs to get herself away from him. He apologized but he will do it again and next time it will be worse. It may be a while before he hits her again but he will. He is showing her his true colors and she needs to take notice and leave. No woman deserves to ever get abused. In this year alone in the city where I live 5 men have killed their wives. These women who all victims of abuse. I will say a prayer for her.
    deanokat and mayasupernova like this.
  4. LoveEcho

    LoveEcho Community Champion

    I'm so sorry to hear that, domestic violence is awful. If she lost consciousness then she has a concussion and should really see a medical professional. Three days isn't long enough to know the impact a concussion has left a person. It can very dangerous, even years later. If this ever happens again, I suggest you try your best to get your sister to see a medical professional. People get brain tumors from repeated concussions, it's very common in domestic violence, but that's long term. It all begins with one hit and then an apology, that's why these women take these awful men back.
    mayasupernova likes this.
  5. dyanmarie25

    dyanmarie25 Community Champion

    Domestic violence is really a serious thing. And if I were your sister, I would have never given him a second chance. It was just quite unacceptable, although he has already apologized for it. Anyway, I think the best thing for you to do is to tell your sister that she should just let go of this guy. If he isn't even willing enough to change himself for the better, no one can try to persuade him.
    deanokat and mayasupernova like this.
  6. lexinonomous

    lexinonomous Community Champion

    I have to agree with a previous poster. Violence is a complete deal breaker for me. This is going to progress and get worse. If a significant other, male or female, is willing to put hands on their loved one- they will strike again. Domestic abuse gets worse and worse as time goes on. Your sister needs to get out of this relationship immediately. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but these situations can progress and sometimes become fatal.
    deanokat and mayasupernova like this.
  7. mayasupernova

    mayasupernova Active Contributor

    Thank you guys for the support and advice! I talked to her and she promised if this happens again, she would just divorce him.
    She is my family and I can not stand seeing her being treated like that, but she is also a mature person, and I rely on her good judgment that she will do the right thing in case he becomes violent again.
    I agree she should divorce him immediately, but the problem is she has no where to get back to, no house no nothing, she is jobless, too. She might live with me though and I will make sure she does, but she is also quite proud in that way. So far she has not experienced anything violent from him, and I really hope she never will.
    Thank you again for the advice.
    deanokat likes this.
  8. Rainman

    Rainman Community Champion

    Everyone deserves a second chance. Thing though is if someone gets aggressive when they are drunk then it's highly unlikely this person will get to be any less violent any time they are drunk. The only solution to the problem I believe is to get him to fight his addiction.

    How to convince someone like him to stop drinking?

    Well the best you can do is talk to him about how his drinking affects him and those who love him. Make an offer to support him should he be willing to fight his addiction. This works much better than confronting someone or attempting to blackmail them. If he isn't willing to change then your sister should leave him.
    mayasupernova likes this.
  9. zaerine

    zaerine Community Champion

    I think your sister should really have a stand on it and do not let herself in an abusive relationship. Better if that is the real first time he hit her and it will never happen again. She could also try to convince her husband to stop drinking.
    mayasupernova likes this.
  10. mayasupernova

    mayasupernova Active Contributor

    Yes, so far after that, all they had were disputes, and fights but only with words. He has not hit her again, but he can be very mean with words, too.
    I hope it all gets a better turn, but if not, divorce is always the best solution.
  11. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    Even if he is not hitting her but he is verbally abusing her, she needs to get out. That is not life to live. She deserves so much better. The longer she stays the less likely she is to leave because her self-esteem will be so low and he will have her convinced that she can't get any better then him. He already knows she forgave him for hitting her so it is not going to get better. There were no consequences for his actions. I know I lived it and it is not a place to be. I wasted many years of life in my first marriage because I was afraid to leave. It is a scary place to be and then you get to where you don't tell people what is really going on. I am glad I got out when I did but some people aren't so lucky. I have known people who were killed at the hands of their spouse.
    mayasupernova and deanokat like this.
  12. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    It is never okay for a husband to hit his wife. Period.

    One question, @mayasupernova: Was your brother-in-law drunk when he hit your sister? Just curious.
  13. Coolkidhere

    Coolkidhere Community Champion

    Hi @mayasupernova and welcome to the forum! Anyway, for me, abuse is and will always be a deal breaker. I would never get back together with a man who has hit me or my loved ones. But that's just me and I would never impose that on anyone else. I remember my cousin, who was hit by her husband. The thing is, my cousin is the drug addict and she just has done so much wrongs in her life. But I don't think that warrants her husband to hit her, that is just not acceptable. They are okay now though, he doesn't want them to separate, even though my cousin wants to. He just won't allow it.

    I think, with regards to your question, he has to have some type of therapy to control his anger. So that this would not happen again in the future. Maybe counselling can help both of them and heal their relationship. It's very important too, that his alcoholic side is helped because alcohol can be a trigger for him hurting your sister. I do wish them the best of luck in their relationship and I pray that this won't happen again.
  14. mayasupernova

    mayasupernova Active Contributor

    @L_B I am sorry you had to experience such bad marriage and abuse, and I am happy you got the courage to finally say NO to that and run away from it. I really hope you are fine now and that everything is in its place, as it should be, and that you are happy and away from negativity and bad people. Thank you for your advice!
  15. mayasupernova

    mayasupernova Active Contributor

    @deanokat Yes, he was. He was not very drunk, but he had some alcohol intake prior to hitting her. He wanted to get in a car to go someplace. My sister asked him is she could go with him because she had some suspicion he was cheating on her (going from time to time to some place without telling her where, or answering the call, etc.), and he said nothing. She guessed that meant she could come, so she got in the car. As soon as she was in he started acting crazy, opened the door pulled her out and hit her in the head. She fell inside the car on the front seat and lost her conscious. She is fine now, but that was a terrible experience. She was even left with a bruise on her hand since he was holding her tight by that hands when he hit her.
    My dad went crazy and he wanted to kill my brother-in-law, saying that he didn't raise a kid that someone else can beat, and he threatened him. So far, he didn't hit her again, but they have been married only for a month..if that happens now while they are still afresh, what will happen during the course of their married, till the life ends...?
  16. mayasupernova

    mayasupernova Active Contributor

    @Coolkidhere Thank you for your comment and support. I will tell her you wished her well.
    As for your cousin, the case is similar here, not that my sister had done some wrongs, but the part where her husband would not allow them to separate. He constantly says he is so much in love with her, etc. And I really hope this happened only once and that it will never ever happen again.
    As for counseling, here in Serbia it is still a young branch so to say, and I am not even sure people are informed about it. It usually mean you go to the psychiatrist - and in this areas people always tend to think that you must be mad, crazy, etc.they put a label on you immediately. I don' t know if there is some relationship counseling around here, but there are rehabs for drunkards, that's for sure.
  17. ReadmeByAmy

    ReadmeByAmy Community Champion

    @mayasupernova Hello and welcome to this forum! I am sorry to hear what had happened to your sister and the abuse and violence she had experienced with her husband. You must tell your sister before anything else that she should love herself first. Even though the physical abuse happened only one time there are chances that it will happen again sometime in the relationship. Her husband had already this attitude that he had shown and he might do it again to your sister. Although as they said there is always a second chance but after that it he do it again then let your sister made the right decision if she will stay away already with her husband for the safety of her life. There are still many things that your sister could enjoy in her life and not that being a battered wife.
    deanokat likes this.
  18. mayasupernova

    mayasupernova Active Contributor

    @ReadmeByAmy thank you for a warm welcome!
    You are completely right. She, among anyone else, has not deserved to be treated in any such respect. Nor any other woman for that matter, no matter what she did. There are always some other way to resolve any problem, or such.
    She said she loved him so much, he said the same about her,when me and my family tried to put some sense in both of them, him mostly. He gave a promise to my dad that he would never do such a thing again, and that he would stop drinking excessively...I am trying to believe his assurances, but I am afraid he just said that nonchalantly, like just to promise something and get my family off his back..We will see, I guess.
  19. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @mayasupernova... I am keeping your sister in my thoughts and prayers. You are a wonderful sister for coming here to try and find out how to help her.
  20. serenity

    serenity Community Champion

    Well at least your sis has a good head on her shoulders and will divorce him if he hits her again. I think that it's not tolerable for a man to be hitting a woman, so once it happens, it should always be reported to the police to deter the abusive man.
    mayasupernova and deanokat like this.