5 years 1 week

I looked up to you. You were my only “full” sister. My only true sibling. We did everything together since I was born. You practically raised me being 10 years older. Nothing will ever be the same. I tried to find Happy and healthy since you couldn’t. I’m losing the battle too Trish. It’s not fair that you get to just give up and I have to stay here and deal. You were the smart one. You had the life skills to survive. I kept it together for my kids because I had to be a better influence then you. I still only keep it together for them. You have traumatized us all. We all tried to make you happy. You had it all. You were so smart. I know losing all your material things, job, boyfriend are heartbreaking things but you rebuild. You turned into an alcoholic and you just gave up. Why did you have to dwell so badly in your pain?? Why couldn’t you let it make you stronger. You told me you were going to get the phoenix rising tattoo. You told me you would never try to kill yourself ever again. You told me you would never put me through that again. I knew you were lying.

You went crazy. You were so drunk you called the cops. You kept trying to run down the street into traffic. I was happy she called the cops. The cops asked what I wanted and I said I just want her to go to bed. The cops asked her if that sounded ok and she said yes. That was it. We didn’t know she had a whole bottle of morphine hiding that she took from an expired patient of hers. She fell asleep forever and it will always be because I asked her to. I’ve never really had anyone to talk to about it. I had to move on quick and be a role model for my kids who she left beyond confused for a 7 and 10 year old. I thought it would get easier. I thought if I dove into finding happy and healthy that it would be ok eventually. I really did think I found it at some point, but I think I fell off the path because happiness is getting harder and harder to find again and I can’t stop thinking of you. You were my best friend when I had no friends. Thank you again for everything growing up. You spoiled me. It’s so hard going on without you. It’s almost Easter. Nobody else understands when I say happy easter and then make the Cadbury bunny chick noise. Bock bock ba gauck. Nobody hardly understands any of our inside jokes. I have no friends. You just really suck. Sorry whoever reads this. I’m pretty lost.

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