The Fornicator

Six Sexy Things About Fall, With Some Fails


Oh, fall. Or autumn if you’re fancy. It’s just so snuggly. But guess what, you slighty-to-serious perverts of mine — fall is sexy as all hell, too. Summer gets too much credit for sexified seasonal days. Sure, the denim underwear known as “shorts” and string bikinis known as “bathing suits” reveal as much baby bit view as you can handle, but autumn can bring people so much closer together. When summer hits why would you want to share sweat and have other peoples hair sticking to your sun poisoned body? Pffft. Nope. Give me thigh highs with dresses and cozy, slip-offable sweaters. Here I go into six sexiest things of fall…with a few not-so-sexy things, just to play fair (but only in pictures).



sexy things about fall

This is completely necessary amidst the chilled air, but is totally unbutton-able. So trust, I’m playing coy when I ask you to “feel how soft this flannel shirt is!” What I want is for you to take your hands and feel around, then unpluck those plastic closures slowly, and wrap us both in it.



fall bonfires being sexy

So…this picture speaks for itself, yeah? Bonfires own autumnal evenings. You don’t even need to legit camp, just find a bonfire and get it on. The crisp air matched with the heat from the fire is a sensual explosion. However, I do recommend bringing a blanket, because…ouch to the above.


Haunted Houses

sexy haunted house girl

Autumn means Halloween. Halloween should mean tasteful scares with haunted houses and getting close and then taking off clothing and doing it. It does. Trust me, this is all what autumn and Halloween means. Plus, how cool would it be for a ghost if it caught you getting dirty in their house?! Nothing could possibly go wrong with that!



hayride sexy things

The great thing about hay is that they are mini mountains, and you can hide it in even though you’re two feet from people. The bad thing about hay is that 98% of people are allergic to it. The good thing about allergy medicine is that it works. So argument — settled. Hayrides are sexy, hands down. You throw it at people and roll around in it, but here’s another don’t-go-getting-nakie warning because, ow. Get a blanket or just flirt your face off until you’re sitting by a bonfire.


Boys In Sweaters and Leather Jackets

sexy fall things like a sweater

fall is sexual

what else do i put here sexy

Oh, le sigh. LE SIGH.





This is a picture of Joe Flacco. One) Because he went to my school and I had a class with him getting to know how humble he was. Two) He’s hot. Three) He represents football, which you can classify sexy in your own way. Be it the men of the game, the competition, the benches where you can get super close, what have you. It’s a sexy game. Ass slap, what up?



Now for fall things that aren’t sexy aka annoy the hell out of me (personal opinion)


Horny Camera Guys

camera guys are horn dogs



Guess What I’M Supposed To Be!

hot halloween costumes

slutty halloween costumes

halloween sluttiness

…a birth control advocate?



Not Knowing How to Properly Dress

sexy fall tricks

thanks, reddit



Possible Death (by slipping)

tripping on autumn leaves



And if you love thigh highs as much as me, watch them here or buy them here.






About emja

Emja* was born in Björk’s house in Iceland and grew up on Easter Island, where her parents were giant stone heads. She has the ability to fire beams of tacos out of her hands and she can turn her legs into tigers. On Sundays, Emja enjoys reading Family Circus and traveling through time. Her favorite color is greenish-transparent and her favorite movie is the one you just watched. Emja is in charge of uploading the staff bios to the website, and no one has checked over her work. *name has been changed