How to Be Kind

Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC

Updated: July 9, 2019

Being kind is an important way of bringing meaning to our own lives. It also brings joy to the lives of others around us. Being kind allows us to communicate better, be more compassionate, and also to be a positive force in people's lives. Kindness has its true source deep within you, and while some people are innately kind, it's something that everyone can cultivate by choice.

Part One of Three:
Developing a Kinder Perspective

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  2. 2
    Don't be kind for the sake of getting what you want. Beware of deluded kindness. Kindness is not about "self-interested politeness, calculated generosity, superficial etiquette".[3] Simply being nice to other people because you believe that this will manipulate them into giving you what you want in life, or as a means of controlling them, is not kindness. Nor is kindness about pretending to care for someone all the while repressing anger or contempt; hiding our rage or frustration behind false pleasantries is not kindness.
    • Finally, being a people pleaser is not kindness; that's simply behavior designed to give in and not rock the boat because you're afraid that taking a step forward will sink the ship.
  3. 3
    Be kind to yourself. Many people make the error of trying to be kind to others while at the same time not focusing on being kind to themselves. Some of this can stem from not liking aspects of yourself, but more often than not, it's sourced in the inability to know yourself better. And unfortunately, when you don't feel rock solid within yourself, your kindness to others risks falling into the deluded types of kindness described in the previous step. Or, it can lead to burn-out and disillusionment because you've put everyone else first.
    • Self-knowledge allows you to see what causes you pain and conflict, and enables you to embrace your contradictions and inconsistencies. It allows the space to work on things about yourself that you're not happy with. In turn, self-knowledge helps to prevent you from projecting your negative aspects onto other people, thereby empowering you to treat other people with love and kindness.[4].
  4. 4
    • Remember how other people's kindness "makes your day". What is it about their kindness that makes you feel special and cherished? Are there things that they do that you can replicate from your own heart?
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  6. 6
    Make a habit of focusing on kindness. Leo Babauta says that kindness is a habit and is one that everyone can cultivate. He suggests focusing on kindness every day for a month. At the end of this directed focus, you'll be aware of profound changes in your life, you'll feel better about yourself as a person, and you'll find that people react to you differently, including treating you better. As he says, in the long run, being kind is karma in practice.[6] Suggestions to help cultivate your kindness include:
  7. 7
    Be kind to everyone, not just people "in need." Expand your circle of kindness. It can be very easy to be kind when we're unconsciously doing what Stephanie Dowrick terms "patronizing kindness".[8] This refers to kindness given to those people we feel are truly in need (the sick, the poor, the vulnerable, and those who align with our own ideals). Being kind to people close to us, emotionally (like family or friends) or in other ways (from the same country, of the same color, gender etc.), is also easier than being kind to those the philosopher Hegel called "the other". It can be more difficult to be kind to people we may consider our equals, but it will be worth it.
    • The trouble with restricting our kindness to "convenient" cases is that we fail to recognize that we need to be kind to everyone, no matter who they are, their level of wealth or fortune, their values and beliefs, their behavior and attitudes, their place of origin, their likeness to ourselves, etc.
    • By choosing to be kind only to those we feel are deserving of kindness, we are unleashing our own biases and judgment, and only practicing conditional kindness. Natural kindness encompasses all beings and while the challenges you'll face when trying to put this broader notion of kindness into practice will sometimes be trying, you'll never stop learning about the depths of your ability to be truly kind.
    • If you're neglecting being kind to someone else just because you think they can cope without your support or understanding, then you're practicing selective kindness.
  8. 8
    Minimize judgment. If you really want to be kind, then you have to kick your judgment to the curb. Instead of spending your time being critical of other people, work on being positive and compassionate. If you tend to think poorly of others, wish other people could step up their game, or feel like the people around you are needy or clueless, then you'll never learn true kindness. Stop judging people and realize that you'll never fully understand where they're coming from unless you walk a day in their shoes. Focus on wanting to help others instead of judging them for not being better than they are.
    • If you're judgmental, prone to gossip, or just always bad-mouthing the people around you, you'll never be able to move past your reservations to be kind.

Part Two of Three:
Developing Kind Qualities

  1. 1
    Be compassionate toward others. It's important to take in the message, "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle". Attributed to Plato, this saying is a recognition that everyone is undergoing some challenge or other in their lives and that sometimes, it's all too easy for us to lose sight of that when embroiled in our own problems or anger against them. Before committing an action that might impact another person negatively, ask yourself a simple question: "Is this kind?". If you cannot answer this in the affirmative, this is a reminder to change your action and approach immediately.
  2. 2
    • Learn from your mistakes rather than beating yourself up over them, or comparing yourself to others.[10] It is through self-compassionate responses that you can start to see other people's needs in a compassionate light.
  3. 3
  4. 4
    Be a good listener. The act of listening is easier said than done in our fast-paced world, where rushing and being busy are seen as virtues; where cutting someone off because you're too busy, or you need to get somewhere in a hurry, is the norm. Making being busy into a habit is no excuse for unkindness, however. When talking to someone, learn to listen with your whole being and sincerely pay attention to them until they're done revealing their thoughts and story.
    • Being a good listener doesn't mean being a great problem solver. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is just be there to listen, while acknowledging that you don't know what the person should do.
  5. 5
    • It's not always easy to be optimistic, especially when you've had a crummy day. But with enough practice, anyone can cultivate optimism by focusing on the positive instead of the negative, thinking ahead to happy things in the future, and living a life that is filled with more joy than sadness. And it doesn't cost a dollar to look on the brighter side of things, either.
  6. 6
    Be friendly. People who are kind tend to also be friendly. This doesn't mean they are the most outgoing people in the room, but that they make an effort to get to know new people and to make them feel at home. If there's someone new at your school or workplace, you can try to talk to that person, explain how things work, and even invite him or her to social events. Even if you're not outgoing, just smiling and making small talk with people can go a long way in making you friendlier, and this kindness will not go unnoticed.
    • If you're naturally shy, you don't have to change your personality completely. Just make a bit more of an effort to be nice to people by giving them your attention, asking them how they are, and showing an interest in them.
  7. 7
    Be polite. Although being polite is not an indication of kindness in itself, genuine politeness demonstrates your respect for those you're interacting with. Being polite is the kind way of getting people's attention and putting your point across. Some simple ways to do this include:
    • Find ways to rephrase your requests or responses to others. For example, say "May I?" instead of "Can I?"; say "I'm surprised" instead of "That's not fair"; say "Let me explain that another way" instead of saying "That's not what I said". Rephrasing your language speaks volumes.
    • Have excellent manners. Hold doors open for people, avoid being overly vulgar in person, and don't be overly familiar with new people.
    • Make compliments and mean them.
    • Read How to practice courtesy and kindness for more ideas.
  8. 8
    Be grateful. People who are truly kind are easily able to express gratitude. They don't take anything for granted and always thank people for helping them out. They know how to say "thank you" and really mean it, they write thank-you cards, and they are comfortable with acknowledging when they have been helped. People who are grateful also thank people just because, for things like making their days brighter, instead of only thanking them for completing specific tasks. If you make a habit of being more grateful to the people around you, you'll see that your capacity for kinds will increase.
    • If you're more observant of all the nice things other people do for you, then you'll be more ready to do nice things for others. You'll be more aware of how good the kindness of others makes you feel and will feel more inclined to spread the love.

Part Three of Three:
Taking Action

  1. 1
    • Respect the species you're caring for. Humans don't "own" animals; rather, we stand in a relationship of being responsible for their well-being and care.
    • Take time to restore parts of your local environment with the local community. Go for walks in nature with family, friends, alone, and commune with the world that you're a part of. Share your love for nature with others, to help reawaken their sense of connection with nature.
  2. 2
    Share. People who are kind are happy to share with others. You can share your favorite sweater, half of your delicious enchilada, or even words of career advice to someone younger than you. The important thing is that you're sharing something that you actually care about, instead of giving away something you don't really need. It's much more meaningful to let your friend borrow your favorite sweater than to give her an old hand-me-down you never wear. Sharing with people will make you more generous and thus, more inclined towards kindness.
  3. 3
    Smile more. Smiling is a simple act of kindness that can go a long way. Make a habit of smiling at strangers, or at your friends or acquaintances. Though you don't have to walk around with a smile plastered on your face, smiling at people will make them smile back, and will bring even a modicum of joy to their days. What's more, smiling can actually trick your mind into feeling happier than it previously was. Everybody wins when you smile, and your capacity for kindness will grow in the process.
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    • Ask people how they are and mean it.
    • Ask people about their hobbies, interests, and families.
    • When you talk to people, make sure they are doing at least about half of the talking. Don't dominate a conversation and focus more on the other person than yourself.
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    Call up a friend just because. You don't always need a reason to call up a good friend. Make a goal of calling one friend per week, or even two friends per week, just to catch up and see how that person is doing. Don't call to make plans or to ask that person something specific; call just because you miss your friend and have been thinking about him or her. Getting in touch with your friends out of the blue will make them feel cared for and will make you feel good; this shows kindness and thoughtfulness.
    • If you're really short on time, you can start by making a habit of calling up your friends on their birthdays. Don't be lazy and send a text message or even a Facebook post, but give your friend a phone call from the heart.
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    • If you have some clothes or books that someone you know would want, then don't be shy about donating those items to that person. This is another way of being kind.
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    • Shovel a neighbor's driveway as well as your own.
    • Wash a friend's car.
    • Put money into an expired meter.
    • Help someone carry a heavy bag.
    • Leave a gift on someone's doorstep.
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    Transform your life through kindness. Changing how you live and how you view the world might seem daunting. But take a note of Aldous Huxley's prescription for transforming your life: "People often ask me what is the most effective technique for transforming their life. It is a little embarrassing that after years and years of research and experimentation, I have to say that the best answer is–just be a little kinder."[11] Take Huxley's many years of research to heart and allow kindness to transform your life, to transcend all feelings and actions of aggression, hate, despising, anger, fear, and self-deprecation, and to restore strength worn away by despair.
    • Through being kind, you take a stand by affirming that caring for others, for our environment, for yourself is the right way to live life.[12] It isn't about immediate effectiveness; kindness is a lifestyle choice, a constant hum and rhythm accompanying every single thing that you think and do.

Community Q&A

Add New Question
  • Question
    How can I be kind when people are being bullied?
    Community Answer
    • Stand up for the person being bullied and offer to be their friend.
    Thanks! 72 5
  • Question
    Can you give me some examples of kindness?
    Community Answer
    • There are so many ways to be kind. Smiling at someone is kindness; letting someone borrow something is kindness; complimenting another person is kindness; sometimes just listening is kindness. The list goes on, you have many, many options.
    Thanks! 66 5
  • Question
    Why should I be kind to others when people always talk behind my back?
    Community Answer
    • Because you're trying to take the higher road. Don't respond to evil with evil, but with good. This sets you apart.
    Thanks! 158 18
  • Question
    Do I have to be kind those people who are jealous of me and mean to me?
    Community Answer
    • Being kind means being kind to everyone, especially those who are jealous and mean. This makes you a better person, and allows you to rise above them. If you are mean back, you just lower yourself to their level. Being kind is always the right choice.
    Thanks! 110 11
  • Question
    What should I say when I'm really upset without hurting others' feelings?
    Community Answer
    • Just tell them how you feel and why. It shouldn't hurt anyone's feelings as long as you're not insulting them.
    Thanks! 86 9
  • Question
    Community Answer
    • Being kind for the sake of being kind doesn't require appreciation in return. If you place a condition on kindness, then it's not really being kind. There are many reasons why people aren't instantly or obviously appreciative, including astonishment, exhaustion, slowness to respond, obtuseness, quiet appreciation, etc. Some people are rude but that just means more kindness is needed. It may also help you to understand that it's more about your karma, not theirs, without being a doormat, of course.
    Thanks! 134 19
  • Question
    How do I become kind when all I can do is think of the logical side of things and continuously be called emotionless by others?
    Community Answer
    • You can be kind and logical at the same time. The truth does not always have to be harsh. Try to word what you say more carefully and consider other's feelings.
    Thanks! 58 6
  • Question
    How can I be kind to others when I feel empty or don't care about others?
    Community Answer
    • If you feel this way, you need to start by being kind to yourself first. You're projecting what you feel deep inside about yourself -- empty and without self care. Spend some time caring for your own self and needs first, perhaps getting counseling for unresolved issues that are holding you back from being your best self. When you learn to love yourself and take good care of you, then you'll find it much easier to be kind to others.
    Thanks! 134 21
  • Question
    Community Answer
    • Recognize your emotional state and find ways to calm yourself: deep breaths, taking some alone time, et cetera. Focus entirely on the other person. If you're too upset to handle it, say "I'm upset and I can't be a good listener right now." Give yourself patience and time, and don't push things before you're ready.
    Thanks! 152 25
  • Question
    I view myself as equal to other people. Is this a good thing or a bad thing?
    Community Answer
    • This is a very good quality indeed.
    Thanks! 25 2
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  • Saying hello to everyone you meet, from store salesman to your boss lightens the environment and makes others comfortable. Practice it every day.
    4 Helpful?  0
  • You might not like everyone and that's normal; even the nicest people on earth get annoyed. Just continue being polite nonetheless.
    5 Helpful?  0
  • Do your best not to hurt people physically or mentally. Self-control can be vital in many situations.
    3 Helpful?  1


  • If you're truly angry and upset with someone, keep in mind that kindness creates greater indebtedness to another being than an unavenged wrongdoing. People can make all sorts of justifications for committing a wrongdoing but being forgiven through kindness is not something you can run away from.
    13 Helpful?  0
  • Be sure that your gesture of kindness is wanted. Sometimes unasked for "help" can backfire. "No good deed ever goes unpunished." There are times when we think we are helping, but we can cause problems because we didn't have enough information about the problem.
    12 Helpful?  2
  • Don't feel the need to gloat about your good-deeds; be humble. Doing something nice solely for the good graces of those around you isn't really kindness. Aiding someone unaware of your help can feel just as good.
    11 Helpful?  3

About This Article

Licensed Professional Counselor
41 votes - 85%
Co-authors: 121
Updated: July 9, 2019
Views: 864,200
Categories: Kindness
Article Summary

To be a kind person, start doing nice things for your friends, family, and coworkers, even when they don't ask for anything. When you interact with people, smile and show a genuine interest in their lives by asking them how they're doing. Avoid judging people or gossiping about others. Instead, be compassionate by listening to people's problems and concerns and offering your support. By focusing more of your attention on being there for others, over time you'll find that you're a kinder person.


  1. Piero Ferrucci, The power of kindness, p. 8 (2007), ISBN 978-1-58542-588-4
  2. Piero Ferrucci, The power of kindness, p. 9 (2007), ISBN 978-1-58542-588-4
  3. Piero Ferrucci, The power of kindness, p. 7 (2007), ISBN 978-1-58542-588-4
  4. Stephanie Dowrick, Choosing Happiness, p. 55, (2005), ISBN 1-74114-521
  5. Stephanie Dowrick, Choosing Happiness, p. 4, (2005), ISBN 1-74114-521
  6. Leo Babauta, 7 Little Habits That Can Change Your Life and How to Form Them,
  8. Stephanie Dowrick, Choosing Happiness, p. 357, (2005), ISBN 1-74114-521
  9. Stephanie Dowrick, Choosing Happiness, p. 341, (2005), ISBN 1-74114-521
  1. Stephanie Dowrick, Choosing Happiness, p. 279, (2005), ISBN 1-74114-521
  2. Piero Ferrucci, The power of kindness, p. 11 (2007), ISBN 978-1-58542-588-4
  3. Piero Ferrucci, The power of kindness, p. 271 (2007), ISBN 978-1-58542-588-4

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    "Everything is awesome, I like the way it is told to people. We can do it step by step to accomplish our goal."
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    Apr 12, 2017

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