Sunday, August 10, 2008

Random Scenes From a Horror Movie I Thought Of

The crew is inside the haunted shack-mansion. Phillipe is dead on the ground. Tyler walks in.

Tyler: "Hey guys, I-" (Sees body) "Whoa! Aiech! Yeesh! Muahhh! Eewww! Yeeoo-"
James: "You know, those noises aren't going to exonerate you."
Tyler: "I guess not, but sheee..."
James: "Well, now we need to figure out which one of us killed Phillipe."
T.B.: "Could it have been the neighbor? The one that threatened to murder us all if we didn't leave before moonrise?"
James: "Now, now. Let's not jump to any conclusions."
Shawn: "Dammit, James, you never let us jump to conclusions!"
James: "I think we should establish our own alibis first. For example, at the time of the murder, I was in town shopping for food. Anyone in the store can vouch for me."
Kyla: "I was doing my video journal. The time stamp on the video should prove me innocent."
Lester: "Erica and I were debating about having premarital sexual relations. But after consulting with the Bible, we determined that going through with it would be morally wrong."
Erica: "So we can vouch for each other."
Tyler: "Well, I was having that same discussion with the local farmer's daughter. We came to a different conclusion."
Steve: "I'm twelve years old! If I could kill him, he deserved to die."
Shawn: "I was in the can. You can go in there if you don't believe me."
T.B.: "I was on the porch swing having a conversation."
James: "With who?"
T.B.: "The porch swing."
Everyone: "..."
T.B.: "Yeah, the porch swing was trying to convince me that I need to kill everyone in town - including you guys - before you all try to kill me."
Everyone: "..."
James: "And did you decide to acquiesce?"
T.B.: "Oh, Lord no. I was actually trying to convince the porch swing about the value of human life. In fact, I was just up in the library upstairs doing some research in one of those old grimoires about what the ancient philosophers believed was the worth of humanity. Here's a brief outline."
T.B. hands James several sheets of paper.
James: "Well, it's quality research, but still..."
T.B.: "...Oh, wait, you think I did it? I...I suppose that did all sound pretty suspicious."
Tyler: "You know, I think T.B. may have been right saying that it could have been a neighbor."
James: "Now, hold on there! I know these people may not be the smartest people in the world, or the most welcoming, but this town is their home! How would you like it if I came in to your home and starting calling you a murderer?"
Tyler: "If I murdered people, I wouldn't be terribly offended."
Lester: "But I've seen these people go to church. That means they worship God! And any God-worshiping folk wouldn't murder. It's against the 10 Commandments!"
Shawn: "Unless they're lying about being religious."
Erica: "But lying is also against the 10 Commandments!"
T.B.: "We could always ask them."
James: "No, no, I don't want to offend these simple folk. I say right now, we give Phillipe a decent burial. Tyler, T.B., Shawn: get on it."
Fade to scene of Tyler, T.B., and Shawn digging. The grave is barely a couple inches deep.
T.B.: "This digging job isn't as fun as I was hoping."
Tyler: "Yeah, but we need to bury Phillipe's body."
Shawn: "Do we really?"
Tyler: "River?"
Shawn: "River."
Tyler and Shawn throw Phillipe's body into the river.


The crew is eating dinner at the witch's house. What they don't know is that the witch (in the guise of a beautiful young woman) killed Tyler and is feeding his remains to them.

James: "Thanks for inviting us to dinner, Ms. Starlight.
Witch: "Oh, it's my pleasure."
James: "I've noticed Tyler has taken quite a liking to you. It's a shame he couldn't be around for this dinner."
Witch: (Looking deviously into her large pot.) "Oh, I'm sure he's around here somewhere..."
James: "...I'm...I'm not sure I follow."
Witch: "Oh, nevermind. Let me serve you your food."
The witch begins pouring soup into everyone's bowls.
Kyla: "I have to ask, how do you keep your boobs so perky."
Lester: "Kyla! That's not approriate dinnertime talk."
Witch: "Oh, it's alright. I guess you could say it takes a little...magic."
The witch pours T.B.'s bowl of soup. One of Tyler's sneakers sticks out of it prominently.
T.B.: "..."
Witch: "Well, dig in, everyone! Eat, and grow plump and tender and...succulent!"
Shawn: "Hell yeah!"
Everyone eats their soup, except for T.B., who contemplates the sneaker for several moments. He then turns to the witch.
T.B.: "Um, there's a shoe in my soup. I'm not sure if that's part of the recipe, but..."
Witch: "Oh, I'm sorry, my dear. How did that get in there. Let me get it for you."
The witch comes over and pulls the sneaker from T.B.'s soup. A big toe falls out into the soup, splashing some of it onto T.B.'s shirt before floating in the concoction.
T.B.: ".......I think I'll just have a roll." (He picks up a roll and takes a bite from it.) "Euagh."
T.B. lets the food fall from his mouth. An eyeball comes out and rolls around the table.
Witch: "Oh, how did that get in there."
James: "You have an unusually high amount of body parts in your cooking, Ms. Starlight. Is this a Welsh recipe?"
Witch: "You know, sometimes when you cook a feisty animal, a few unexpected things will end up inside. Think of them as hidden surprises."
Erica: "Like Cracker Jack prizes?"
Witch: "Uh, yeah."
T.B.: "May I have some water?"
Witch: "There's water right in front of you."
T.B.: "Yeah, but it looks like there's fingernail clippings in-" (The witch looks at T.B. harshly. A small pendant comes our from her blouse.) "Hey, isn't that Tyler's sacred pendant?"
Witch: "Um...yes. He gave it to me the night we fell in love. He said it's a symbol of our love."
James: "Actually, it's a symbol of mankind's wickedness. Tyler's grandmother was a Polish Jew, one of the lucky ones to survive through the entirety of the Auschwitz concentration camp, and through it all, she saw her family and friends all killed in various horrible fashions. That pendant originally belong to one of her best friends. She was able to sneak it in when they were first imprisoned. However, one day the friend tried to ask guard for medical attention. A dog had bit her. The guard beat her to death on the spot. Tyler's grandmother went to her aid, but she was too late. Her best friend was dead, her pendant hanging limply from her neck. Tyler's grandmother took a small lock of her friend's hair and put it inside the locket attached to the pendant, where it still remains."
Shawn: "Unless it's in the food."
James: "She did this because she knew that whenever she felt the lock of hair, she would remember how she felt when she was holding the lifeless head of her best friend. So she would never forget the kinds of horrible things one person could do to another. Now, about 10 years ago, Tyler's grandmother was diagnosed with cancer. Tyler was the last person she spoke to before her death. She wanted him to take the pendant to remember not only her, but all the millions who had died before her, not surrounded by family in a warm hospice bed, but surrounded by laughing, spitting guards, beating and kicking them until they stopped breathing. And Tyler took that to heart. He has never removed that pendant, and said he would never do so until he had to pass it on to his own grandchildren, because to do so would be to forsake the memory of his people, his faith, and his grandmother."
Witch: "..."
Erica: "But he gave it to you as a present? How romantic!"
T.B.: "Ow, this salad bit me."
Witch: "Alright, this dinner is over!"

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