Nov 132012

I know this blog hasn’t had as many new and exciting posts as it used to, which might be heart breaking to some.  But good news – you can read my writings on a monthly basis at The Fearless Press over at my column entitled Unapologetic, and twice a month, you can get all of your sex, sexuality, and relationship questions answered in my Body Positive sex advice column.

Plus, my newest book, a Lesbian Sexuality and Sex Positions book, entitled She and Her, is now available for pre-order on, or ask your favorite local book retailer or sex positive toy store to order it in advance for you. Add that to Oral Sex That’ll Blow Her Mind, a 5-star reviewed cunnilingus guide, and you not only have fun reading, but some great gift ideas for the holiday season, and even Valentine’s day!

I’m also participating in a sexuality education project called What They Are Asking, where a group of sex educators, myself included, record video answers to popular questions asked by college students and other young adults, about the spectrum of sexuality. Check out the site, vote on questions, and watch the video answers!

Plus, I’m always available for sex coaching and relationship counseling (available in person in the Denver Metro area and via Skype for those out of that area), private workshops, and bookings for events, schools and more.

Jun 132011



Tentative and Taste Challenged

Hey T n’ T!



Best of luck!


May 112011


Dear Shanna-



-Pissed at PCOS

Dear P@P-



Hope this helps!


Apr 282011


What are some good pointers for beginning pegging?


Fabulous question. For those not in the know, the verb pegging describes the act of a female bodied (or identified) person strapping it on (with harness and cock/dildo of some sort) and penetrating their male bodied (or identified partner) in the ass. Of course, blow jobs on said strap on, and hand jobs, can be involved as well. I’d say it has definitely been a hot topic over the past year or so, making this a very timely question.

Step one; have the “pegger” pick out a harness in which they feel sexy and comfortable. Some people prefer the two strap joque style, some the one strap g-string style, some the boyshort style, and a few people (who tend to have kegel muscles of steel) like the strapless strap on, like the Feeldoe or Nexus. If the peggee is an anal beginner, and the pegger likes the strapless strap on, I’d suggest starting with the Share Extra Small, so it feels good and size isn’t an issue.

Step two; have the “peggee” chose the dildo they would like to have penetrating their ass. Don’t forget that often, our eyes are much bigger than our parts, and while it might seem like a “manly” or “macho” thing to choose a large dildo like the Lonestar or Outlaw, you should start small and work your way up. If the peggee is really beginning, the Tantus Silk Small is a great toy to start with. If you’re looking for something more mid-range, the Vixen Vibrating Mistress Dildo is pretty awesome. You can use condoms on the dildos for easy clean up (and/or sharing), but if that doesn’t interest you, make sure to invest in a good quality, 100% medical grade silicone dildo (good brands include Tantus, Fun Factory, Vixen Creations, Happy Valley, Whipspider Rubberworks, etc), because you can dishwash it or boil it to sterilize it, and you’ll know it is a good, body friendly material.

Step three; LUBE. Please don’t take this lightly. The anus has not way of providing natural lubrication, so you HAVE to add it, and 99% of the time, spit doesn’t cut it. Guess what? Even porn stars usually use lube — you just don’t get to see the pleasure of them applying it. Add the damn lube. If you’re using a soft toy, your best bet is water based lubricant (because silicone lube can ruin your nice silicone toys). My favorite water based lube for anal play is Maximus, but other great lubes are Sliquid Organics and Pink Water. Lube is love folks — I have a sticker that proves it. NEVER use numbing or desensitizing lube for anal play (or anything), as it can lead to serious damage of the anal tissue. If it hurts, STOP.

Step four; communicate. Both the pegger and peggee need to talk about their needs and wants from this experience. Is it to have gender play? Sissification? Power play? Just wanting to try something new? Is this going to be part of foreplay, the main event, or for dessert? Is there a position one of you wants to try? What is important to each of you, and how can you make it happen? If you don’t communicate first (if talking makes you nervous, try email or texting), it’s going to be way less fulfilling and fun, and might even suck. Also, remember, to go slow, to give feedback, and to remember to laugh — when dealing with strap ons, the likelihood that the cock will pop out and the pegger will keep going is high. Hopefully, you can have fun with the person who you’re fucking with, since it’ll make it a better experience over all.

Good luck, and June 9th, I’m teaching Harness Your Pleasure: Strap On 101, which will included conversation about pegging, at the Fascinations in Aurora, CO (and am happy to book this class elsewhere as well).



Dec 032010


Why do guys like to cum (ejaculate) on their partners?


Great question. Well, first of all, not all guys like to ejaculate on their partners. Some prefer to do it inside their partner, and/or inside a condom. Others prefer to do it in a towel/rag (some people call it a cum towel or cum cloth). Yet others like to ejaculate on themselves. It all depends on the guy you’re talking about.

In mainstream porn, the “cum shot” (the guy ejaculating on the woman’s chest/face/etc) has become extremely popular, and therefore has become popular in our culture. However, ejaculating on someone else’s face/chest/butt doesn’t change the ejaculation sensation. Ergo, if someone wants to be ejaculated on, then great; they should let their partner know that this activity turns them on and that they’d like to have that done. However, if someone does not in fact want this to happen, they should also explain to their partner that they are not into this activity, and would prefer for them to ejaculate else where.

This conversation should definitely be had before sexual play starts, so that there is no confusion at the moment of ejaculation as to where the penis should be pointing.

Hope that helps,



Nov 282010

This person had THREE questions, so I’m going to be answering them all together.

Question 1: Do all men and women masturbate?

Answer 1: Great question…and well, how would we even begin to figure out if all people masturbate? What if you masturbate once a year — does that count as actively masturbating? Or what if you do it every single day, but never even touch your genitals (some people can masturbate this way) — does that count as being someone who masturbates?

People are so unique and different that it’s incredibly hard to answer this one. Do MOST people, of all sexes and genders, try masturbation at SOME point in there life? DEFINITELY — almost everyone has experimented with masturbation.  But as far as who masturbates and how often? We cannot make big generic statements about that. Lots and lots of people masturbate; men, women, and people with other gender identities as well…some do it daily, others weekly, some do it when they’re stressed, others never masturbate when stressed. It’s constantly changing!

Question 2: How do you know when a woman has an orgasm?

Answer 2: You ask her. I mean, really, that’s how you can tell. Different women experience orgasm differently…sometimes the same woman will have different orgasms due to different types of stimulation — there is no way to REALLY just know. Now, usually moaning is good, there is often (but not always) a redder tint on their face/breasts called a sex flush, but these are also general signs of arousal. Sometimes someone will say “I’m coming” or “oh god oh god oh god” or “holy guacamole” and then suddenly be more still and quiet. Other people will want more stimulation post orgasm, so you can’t tell. Just ask. You don’t have to say “did you come/” but things like “how was that for you?” or “do you want me to keep going?” let you know if your partner wants some more/some different action.

Question 3: Can you get someone pregnant from pre-cum?

Answer 3: I get asked this all the time. Yes. Pre-cum, or pre-ejaculate, can sometimes contain sperm…this means playing “just the tip” or using the withdrawl method is not a sure shooting way to practice birth control/contraception. However, the biggest concern I have with the sharing of body fluids like pre-cum doesn’t have anything to do with sperm. Pre-ejaculate also can contain STIs (sexually transmitted infections) and you can give it to (or get it from) your partner.  An estimate 75% or so of sexually active people in the US have at least one STI — and most of them don’t even know it.  So your best bet to keeping both yourself and your partner safer from transmission is to put the condom on before the penis goes in the mouth, vagina or anus!



Nov 222010

Question: I am in a long distance relationship and my girlfriend wants to sleep with other people with no emotional attachment. Is it more likely than not that if we tried this, our relationship would tank?

Answer: I’m not going to put a probability on it. Why? Because I don’t know how well you communicate, how your relationship is right now, how long you’ve been long distance, or how you personally feel about consensual non-monogamy. All of these are factors that can and will contribute to how well this will work out.

Step one: Get a copy of Opening Up by Tristan Taormino. You can click the link to buy it, but lots and lots of libraries have it to check out, or one of your friends may have it to borrow. Make sure both of you read it, especially the parts about “is non-monogamy right for you” and the sections about jealousy. Not everyone is suited for non-monogamy, and even those that are may not be ready for it now, or know how to make it fit with their current partner.

Once you’ve read this, think about how it makes you feel when your girlfriend talks about this. Happy that she’s getting more physical needs met? Sad that you can’t do it for her? Angry that she’d consider this? Jealous that she wants to do it? There are tons and tons of emotions that center around non-monogamy; there are no right are wrong ones, but you need to recognize that they are there. Also, look online. Lots of bloggers write about polyamory/non-monogamy — there is even a Poly Podcast. Check out these resources, and continue to talk and communicate with your girlfriend.

You may decide to have her give it a try, and realize it doesn’t work. Then you communicate again, and go from there. You may decide not to try it…but you still need to communicate with your partner. Non-monogamy or monogamy will not break you up or keep you together, but lack of communication most certainly will.


Nov 182010

I feel like I may need to start a series of posts on “this does not equal that,” the first one being my post on how sex and gender are two different things.

This week is about how activity and orientation are completely different.

One of the post common questions I get asked (and gets asked of most sexuality educators, having seen many of them present) is asked by cisgender men and/or their partners. It is either asked as “if I like to receive anal sex/enjoy prostate play, does that make me gay?” or “is my boyfriend/partner/husband gay because he enjoys anal play on his own ass?” Sometimes it is asked with different wording, but it boils down to “does enjoying anal play make a guy gay?”

Answer is simple: NO. Period.

However, we can certainly explain it more. It doesn’t make you gay, just like cisgender men enjoying vaginas doesn’t make them straight. Whatever sexual activity you like, all the means is that you like that activity. Who you like is your orientation. Now, if you only like men sexually, that may or may not mean that you’re gay, but it has nothing to do with who is putting what in which orifice, or even with sexual activity at all.

As a side note, gay males (studies show) participate more in giving/receiving fellatio (oral sex on the penis) more than anal sex (oral/anal or penetrative). The idea that all gay men love butt sex is a misnomer and a stereotype…and you almost never hear people say “I like getting head…does that mean I’m gay?” (Oh Megan suggests asking that as a response to “does enjoy prostate stimulation make me/you gay?”).

Just like performing cunnilingus or vaginal visiting doesn’t make anyone a lesbian, no activities make anyone a new orientation. Take a moment and think about who you are sexually oriented to; is it based on sex? On gender? On height? On hair color? On shape? On wit? On commitment to social justice (that’s me!)? THAT can help you figure out your orientation…but what you enjoy as far as sexual activity has nothing to do with it.

Nov 162010


Is it normal that I don’t have multiple orgasms? I’ve read about a million times that I should be able to have all these orgasms. But the truth is, if I have one, the likelihood that I’ll have another one in the next 24 hour period is pretty much zero, and chances are, I probably won’t have another one for several days, no matter what I do. It doesn’t matter if it’s sex, masturbation or whatever. Its like I have one, and then I’m done for at least a day, maybe several. Is this normal?


The likelihood that there is anything physically wrong is very, very slim. Not everyone can have multiple orgasms. Period. Just like not everyone can ejaculate. Lots of people can, and many of those people haven’t figured out the mutliple orgasm thing, or ejaculation thing yet, but it’s also important to note that NOT EVERYONE can do these things. By telling people that everyone can, we set people up to be disappointed in themselves, and even be concerned. Vulvas and vaginas are so unique and different, and like different things, so they enjoy pleasure in different ways. Not having multiple orgasms doesn’t mean that ANYTHING is wrong with you.

It’s possible that you might be able to have different types of orgasms through different stimulation (clitoral vs vaginal vs anal vs g-spot vs breasts, etc), but even if not, as long as you are enjoy the orgasm that you ARE having, then you’re golden. Sex is about pleasure and enjoyment, and if you’re having fun and feeling pleasure, then that is what is right for you.

Of course, stronger kegel/PC muscles can increase orgasm intensity, and the possibility of multiple orgasms, but never a guarantee — if you’re interested in experimenting, grab a set of kegel balls to work out your pelvic floor muscles. Sometimes bringing in a switch hitter like your favorite vibe can help help. However, it is 100% normal NOT to have multiple orgasms, and as long as you’re enjoying your sex life in general, you’re good to go.

