5 Signs Your Partner Is Emotionally Unavailable

These behaviors are worth 1,000 words.

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We throw the term “emotionally unavailable” around pretty casually, but joking about someone being commitment-phobic, seemingly loveless, or allergic to feelings is only scratching the surface of what the term really means—and what it implies for the person dating someone who’s emotionally unavailable.

“Being emotionally unavailable means that a person consciously or subconsciously creates a wall that prevents them from being intimate with another person,” explains Jill Sylvester, a mental health counselor and author of Trust Your Intuition: 100 Ways to Transform Anxiety and Depression for Stronger Mental Health.

Basically, someone who’s emotionally unavailable isn’t willing or able to be vulnerable or hurt in any way, adds California-based marriage and family therapist Tess Bingham. “They can't show up for you in the way in which you want a potential partner to show up,” she says.

Where does that leave you? “The person on the other end of the relationship is often left feeling rejected and unloved,” says Sylvester. “You probably feel like something is missing, as if there’s a barrier to getting to know this person,” says Bingham.

Since that’s not ideal for many people, it’s important to be aware of the red flags an emotionally unavailable person exhibits. Here’s what to look for:

They’re, like, literally not available.

Call it what you will—ghosting, benching, breadcrumbing, zombie-ing—if you’re not sure whether you’re going to hear back from someone that day, a day later, a week later, or at all, that’s actually communicating a pretty clear message, says Bingham. “We're all busy, but someone who wants to be in a relationship with you will prioritize spending time together and will always get back to you, even if it's to say, ‘At work. Will text tonight or tomorrow,’” she explains. “If they can't be bothered to give you a heads up or considerate enough to recognize you also have a busy life, they're not emotionally invested enough.”

They don’t respect your time.

One of the most critical ways to develop a relationship is through quality time spent together. So if someone isn’t making time for you, they probably don’t want to invest or aren’t capable of investing in a relationship. (And we're not just talking about a partner who likes to set healthy personal boundaries.) “This is someone who makes plans with you, but cancels last-minute because they either got another offer to do something, or claim they're too tired to spend time with you,” says Bingham. And even when you do meet, they’re uninterested in your stories, says Sylvester—chances are, they seem checked out, dismissive, distracted, or distant.

They make you do the work.

Relationships are meant to be an equal partnership, with give and take and a lot of compromise. Someone who’s emotionally unavailable, though, doesn’t put you in the same slot on the priority list that you put them, says Sylvester. “How do you know this? You try too hard. You work too hard at the relationship, constantly making excuses as to why they're not giving to you what you give to them,” she says. “Trust your gut. If you don't feel like a priority, you might not be to this person.”

They seem selfish.

When you’re in a relationship with someone who’s emotionally available, the relationship 100 percent revolves around them. “They don't consider your feelings, ask about your day, or wonder about your thoughts and dreams,” says Sylvester. “They brood on their own situations, expecting you to cater to their demands. Then, when they feel better they often move forward without asking you what you might need in return.” And you know what could happen while they do this? “You run the risk of discounting your own needs because you’re too busy tending to theirs,” she says.

They keep things surface level.

At some point, a relationship has to go beyond the exchange of minutiae regarding how your day was, what’s on Netflix, and where to get dinner or drinks. But someone who’s emotionally available never gets too deep with you. “You ask about work and they tell you ‘it's fine’ or you ask about family and they say, ‘my parents are nice,’” says Bingham. “This isn't someone who’s looking for a meaningful connection; they want to keep everything very surface level so they, and you, don't get too attached.” One topic that’s totally avoided? The future.

So, what do you do if you’re dating someone who’s emotionally unavailable?

Unless you’re okay with being in a relationship with someone who isn’t fully there for you (and maybe you are! Sometimes, it’s nice to be with someone without commitment), then you might want to consider ending things.

If you’ve noticed any of these red flags in your partner, it’s time for a serious soul-searching. Sylvester says you should ask yourself:

  • How long are you willing to deny yourself what you want and need?
  • How long are you willing to let go of energy that is better served somewhere else?
  • Why don't you think you are worth more than that? And if you do think you are worth more than that, then what are you waiting for?”

    You might end up wondering if there’s some way you can change this person, if they can become more emotionally available. “It’s certainly worth having a conversation,” says Sylvester. “This gives an emotionally unavailable person the choice to do something different, if they're capable, and to become aware of the wall they are putting up, if it is a subconscious process, and to take the wall down if they choose.”

    But, remember, you can’t make anyone do anything they don’t want to do. “If someone is emotionally unavailable it's all on them to figure out what's going on and if they wish to change their behavior,” says Bingham.

    And if they don’t or aren’t willing to change, you’re way better off putting your energy someplace else, or with someone else.

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