Voyager hurtles into the unknown

This just in from the Get Serious! Out-of-this-World News Desk: We're more spaced out than ever!

I refer to Voyager 1, the space probe launched way back in 1977, which we're told is on the verge of leaving our solar system. It will soon enter interstellar space, which is an even spaceier kind of space. We're talking about unimaginable distances, even longer than that time you drove to Blacksburg.

This is the greatest advance in deep-space travel since Flash Gordon saved Dale Arden from Ming the Merciless on the planet Mongo, and I wish we knew more about what it's like way out there.

Voyager does send radio signals back to Earth — that's how we know where it is — but wouldn't it be neat if we could call up the probe and have a chat? It might go something like this:

Hello, Voyager 1, NASA calling! After 35 years, we've finally established wireless phone communication with you!

"What? Who's this? I'm getting a lot of static."

OK, I'm stepping outside the lab, into the parking lot. Can you hear me now?

"Oh, it's you, NASA. About time, too. All these years I've sent you data, and you never phone, you never write …"

Sorry. How's it going out there?

"Pretty quiet now. The solar wind is dying down. Not much has happened since I passed Pluto. Boy, was it sore when I told it we don't call it a planet any more. Said it's got a mind to quit and join another solar system."

If it can bulk up some, we might reconsider.

"And how are things back there on Earth? How's President Carter doing? Is anyone buying that new computer gadget, the Apple II? Did you ever fix that energy crisis? Man, the price of gas had gone up to 66 cents a gallon when I left."

Uh, we will have a few news updates for you.

"I just wish I hadn't seen that new movie, 'Star Wars,' before I left. I'm afraid I'll get in the middle of a gunfight when I reach the next solar system."

We think it'll be 40,000 years before you get anywhere close to another star, so I wouldn't worry just yet.

"That's a long time here in the silence of deep space, but it could be worse. The best thing about leaving Earth was, I didn't have to hear any more disco music. Speaking of music, I wonder if I'll ever get to play that record you had me bring along."

Right, we did put on you a phonograph record with examples of Earthling music, in case an alien civilization discovers you. It has some Bach and Mozart, and even Chuck Berry doing "Johnny B. Goode."

"If you ask me, it should have been 'Roll Over, Beethoven,' which would cover two musical bases at once. But way in the future, will these aliens have phonographs to play the record on? You should have used one of those modern, up-to-date eight-track tapes."

Didn't occur to us.

"And you included a picture of the Earthling man and woman, but just in silhouette, unlike the naked pictures you put on the Pioneer probe. OK, you don't want these aliens to think you walk around in your birthday suits, but if you want them to see what you really look like, you should have dressed them in some fashionable clothes. Say, a snappy leisure suit for the man, and maybe the woman going for the 'Annie Hall' look."

Too late now. But back to your mission. What do you see right now?

"A whole a lot of space, big deal. Why do you care, anyway?"

Because you're our first probe to boldly go into deep space. I'm sure all the "Star Trek" fans are thrilled.

"'Star Trek'? That old TV show that got canceled back in 1969? I can't believe anyone still remembers it. Next you'll be telling me the Rolling Stones are still around. Besides … wait, something's happening."

What is it?

"I'm getting these rays coming at me from outer space."

You must be nearing the heliosheath, the edge of the solar system. Do you see anything different?

"Yes, there are several objects coming into view. They are … they are … uh, oh. This trip to the next star may take more than 40,000 years."

"Why? What are these objects?

"They're orange barrels. And there's a sign that says, 'Interspace highway construction next three light-years, speed limit 45 miles per hour.'"

I guess you must hit those on every long trip.

"And another problem: Along with the record and the plaque, you should have given me some quarters."

Quarters? What for?

"What do you think? To pay the tolls."

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