Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Dear Carolyn,

I'm a middle-aged woman living with my partner for the past seven years. He moved to my city and built a new business from scratch. In the beginning, I paid the bills while he got established.

Now time has passed and I'm wondering why he doesn't contribute to the utility bills or the mortgage. Should he? What is fair? And how do I bring it up after all this time?

We've always kept our finances separate. I make a comfortable salary, have a lot of equity in my home and a 401k. He has a fluctuating, smaller income and no real savings for retirement or otherwise. I'm starting to think about retirement goals and how to reach them and feel the need to get everything out on the table. But I don't know how to start the conversation.

I know he is open to talking about it because we've talked about talking about it, but I don't know how to get into the specifics.

— Am I Bean-Counting?

You just name the elephant: "It feels weird to bring this up after seven years, but it won't be any less weird in eight."

Then you get to the biggest issue first, since it is conveniently more of an issue for him than it is for you: "We haven't revisited our financial setup since you moved here, and it's not ideal for either of us now. The biggest concern is that you aren't saving for retirement."

You can talk about contributions to the household in the course of that discussion, since it is a natural part of figuring out a system of regular payments from fluctuating income.


Re: Bean-Counting

She should talk to a family law attorney in her state to make sure any arrangement with her partner will protect her assets. For example, she might learn it's better if the partner doesn't contribute to mortgage payments. The last thing she'll want to deal with if they break up is him claiming they were in a common-law marriage, and that he's entitled to half of her stuff.

— Anonymous

Offended by solicitation to fund child's trip

Dear Carolyn,

A casual friend sent me a solicitation to buy an oversized stuffed animal her niece is selling as a fundraiser so she can go to Paris to watch a soccer game. The niece's family is comfortable — all five kids go to private school and seem to travel plenty.

I am trying to clear my house of clutter, not acquire more. Friend's email says I can have the stuffed animal sent to a children's hospital instead.

I'd normally ignore the email, but it's sent specifically to me and closes with a few personal sentences. I find this wildly offensive and a reminder of why I avoid people in general.

I guess easiest route is to send the money and say, please donate the toy. And I am prone to lapsing into lonely misanthropy in general, so maybe that's what I should do. But I'm also infuriated by the manufacture of junk and by excessive travel given climate change, and don't feel like I should encourage such selfishness.

— Alienated

I don't disagree with much of what you've written here, but it sounds easier to delete the email than think about any of this.

