Thursday, March 31, 2011

Chapter 11 - The Armada of Doom

Dawn rose over the edges of the world, lighting all the skies with a brilliance of gold and crimson flame.

All the pirates are awake bright and early, clearly unaffected by all that carousing of the night before. Badass. There are all sorts of pirates from all over the world, but they've all got the same thing on their minds.

And in the heart of every man that poured aboard the waiting corsair fleet burned the lust for gold and gems, for wine and women. Soon, they knew, and grinned happily at the knowledge, the fabulous wealth of rich and glorious Patanga would be theirs. When the heavy treasure chests of the City of the Flame opened to pour a glittering flood of golden riches at their feet, not a corsair of their number but would be wealthy for life, a landed lord, with gold enough to live his years in luxury and splendor. They laughed at the thought, and fingered the gemmy hilt of dirk and dagger and keen-bladed cutlass... soon the sea wolves would run amok through the broad avenues of mighty Patanga, and the golden wealth of Earth's most glorious Empire would flow at their feet...

I'm at a loss to understand the economics of Lemuria. We have mighty and wealthy cities rising out of impenetrable jungles, with no visible agriculture or industry; we have pirates plotting to overthrow an entire empire and then somehow become landed lords... it occurs to me that, just perhaps, Lin Carter has not thought through this world-building thing very carefully. Just a thought.

Belshathla is busy tending to his one remaining Lamp of Madness, an unholy lust burning in his cold eyes. Kashtar, resplendent in scarlet, has cold fires burning in his somber eyes. These descriptions are in consecutive paragraphs. For added amusement, Kashtar's lieutenant is apparently a swarthy and bewhiskered rogue called Duranga Thool.

The sea gates are opened, and the ships all begin to sail out of the harbour, the pirates all singing lusty pirate songs. Yo ho!

But! One ship is not singing! It has a lean black hull and scarlet sails, so we know which boat this is likely to be.

Pacing his quarterdeck, a moody scowl upon his frowning brows, Captain Barim Redbeard cudgeled his wits for some way out of this dilemma.

Their dilemma? They can't refuse to sail with the fleet, lest they be suspected of black treason and hanged from the yardarm. Even Blay is no longer jovial.

"How can we do it, mate?" Blay wheezed dispiritedly. "How can we hack and murther like the rest o' these wolves, in the rapine of the city of our friends? What will the little lad say when his old comrades come a-knockin' at the gates o' his father's royal city, with naked cutlasses in they hands, eh? O, 'twas a dark day for poor ol' Blay when he decided to turn pirate and seek his fortune on the high seas, that it were!"

Durgan, however, has confidence in his cap'n, and Blay hopes (by Shastadian's green beard) that he is be right.

A bit more crimson and golden flame in the sky as dawn finally leaves the skies of Tarakus, giving way to rose and lavender instead, as well as palest gold and purest gold, which sets off Barim's red-gold beard (and fierce blue eyes) to pleasing effect.

The shipmates shout a bit and call each other a variety of dogs, before Barim unveils his plan - as they have no way of outpacing the Armada to warn Patanga, he intends to sneak towards the head of the fleet in the next fog-bank they encounter, and attempt to ram the ship with the Lamp of Madness on, to give Patanga's floater-pilots a chance of repelling the invasion from the air... even if it means the death of all of them!

But suddenly Barim goes pale - he has spotted something upon the shore! Hm, I wonder what that could be. Charn Thovis, being a lubber, can't see anything, as it takes the keen eyes of an ol' sea hawk the likes o' Barim Redbeard who is used to squintin' against the sun. He orders signal flags to be set, telling the fleet that he's sprung a leak and needs to go ashore for a bit, and then the ship turns about and heads for a cove...

The young Patangan chanthar, Charn Thovis, was still mystified at this baffling maneuver. But as the lean black hull of Redbeard's ship entered the little cove and he got a good look at the curve of jungle-clad beach, he understood.

And a vast and thrilling joy went through him. His eyes, of a sudden, filled with tears, and deep in his heart he gave profound thanks to the Nineteen Gods Who Watch Over The World...

End of chapter! Gosh, I wonder what they have seen.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Chapter 10 - Yian of Cadorna

With the iron strength of my mighty snark, I thrust myself back into the crimson maw of this raging narrative, just in the nick of time for the onslaught of Book Three - Against the Storm...

Back with KK, grappling with the cloaked and veiled mystery figure. And guess what?

Suddenly, Karm Karvus stifled a gasp of astonishment. For his hands had encountered - not the hard muscles of a man - but the yielding softness of a woman!

She has a face of "astonishing beauty", and is clearly no painted and bedizened wineshop slut and no pirate chieftain's wanton, but a young woman of birth and breeding and dignity.

As any good woman should, she fetches him wine and food and dry clothes, and lets him sit beside the roaring fire, because she has heard all about his daring escape, and being also a prisoner, is full of admiration. KK now gets a chance to look her over:

She was young, surely no more than twenty, and slim and regal, with the clear golden skin of Cadorna, oblique dark eyes, almond-shaped, slightly tilted, sparkling like black jewels. Her hair was a torrent of heavy black silk that poured down her slim shoulders to her waist. She had a soft warm mouth, ripe for kissing, and beneath a complicated garment of thin clinging silken stuff, her body was lithe and supple and deliciously rounded.

She is Yian, princess of Cadorna, also held captive by Kashtar as part of one of his crappy and half-baked plans. In fact, she had been just about to escape through the window when KK arrived so abruptly, and is a lot more prepared than he is; with typical sidekick skills, he hadn't even bothered to consider how he would escape from the city.

Luckily she has managed to draw up a map based on what she could see out of the window, and knows which part of the city wall is least guarded; she has also already prepared a rope made out of knotted sheets and even has some spare clothes and boots for KK. He protests rather feebly about how dangerous it is out there for a woman, but in the end is forced to let her accompany him.

Karm Karvus made some further objections, but gradually they subsided. The Prince of Tsargol was not the first man to lose an argument with a woman, nor was he the first to discover the futility of pleading reason and common sense with a woman who has already made up her mind. So, in the end, he resolved to take her with him.

KK is still griping inwardly about having to look after an icky girl as he climbs out of the window, and then of course slips and nearly falls off the roof and has to be rescued by her. Oops! I am less and less surprised that he was the only one of Thongor's companions to get stupidly captured, it seems to be quite on form for him.

They make it to the wall unhindered, but then clumsy old KK slips again and lands... on a guard! Luckily, whatever KK may lack in smarts, he makes up for in fightin', and easily knocks the guard unconscious and nicks his sword (a slim rapier). Then, it's back to scrambling over the walls and down onto the rocks, and away towards the jungle.

Before them the jungle rose like a wall of black emerald. It was mysterious and gloomy, its impassive silence broken only by vagrant whispers and the rustling of small creatures padding through the matted underbrush.

Now they had left their human enemies behind;but new and more terrible foes lay deep within the hush of the jungle gloom - the savage predators whose hunting grounds they were about to enter. Their human foes they had eluded with cleverness and cunning, but Karm Karvus knew that only strength and courage and shining steel could defend them against the dripping jaws of the denizens of the Ptarthan jungles.

Gesturing to the girl to keep well behind him, he advanced to the margin of the jungle, drawing his sword. No sooner had he but taken the first few steps into the emerald gloom, however, than a black and towering shape loomed up directly in his path. It had materialised out of nowhere with the speed and silence of some grim phantom.

Without a moment's hesitation, Karm Karvus lunged. The naked blade in his fist sped glittering as he thrust at the heart of their unknown adversary -


Ah, come on! Does anyone here NOT know that this is Thongor? It's just like that incident with the length of firewood in the Beastmen's village. KK just shouldn't be allowed to play with dangerous objects.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Chapter 9 - Swords against Patanga

Neither a Karm Karvus nor a Thongor chapter this one, as we find ourselves back in the presence of Thongor's pirate companions, hiding out in an inn in Tarakus. What might this inn be called? The Black Spot? The Jolly Roger? Close enough; it is the Inn of the Skull and Crossbones; even pirates from mythical continents before the dawn of time have certain conventions to uphold.

Barim Redbeard has been tramping the streets of Tarakus, trying to find news of Karm Karvus, but even though there was hardly a man in the city who would not betray a comrade for a bit of gold, he hasn't gathered much info.

This much they knew: Karm Karvus had indeed been held a prisoner by Kashtar the Red Wolf, Lord of Tarakus and king of the pirates. But Karm Karvus was missing. Many believed he had fallen to his death in the dark waters of that mighty subterranean cavern, for how could a man survive that fall into the cold black waves, where a mighty larth, goaded to madness by evil and age-old sorcery, roared and clamored for something to kill?

I had been wondering that myself; I think the answer is "deus ex machina".

Barim Redbeard is wracked with guilt about losing Thongor to the deeps, and thinks that Charn Thovis must blame him for the thewed one's death. Charn Thovis, of course, thinks no such thing, but it's quite sweet to see the Hollywood-standard "oh no you must hate me!" misunderstanding going on between two mighty pirates. No, Charn Thovis has other things on his mind.

Part of their trouble stemmed from the unfortunate fact that they did not know exactly what would have been Thongor's plan of action. What had the Valkarthan intended to do upon reaching the Pirate City? Failing to find Karm Karvus, what would he have done about the impending invasion? And, lacking their mighty leader, what could they do in his place? Doubtless the intrepid warrior-king would have launched into sone daring scheme whereby to bring the Red Wolf of Tarakus to his knees... perhaps, Thongor would have taken action to destroy the Niangan devil-weapons, thus rendering the Tarakan corsair navy ineffectial for any fleet action against the City of the Flame.

So it all came down to this: what, if anything, could they actually do that would help prevent the attack on Patanga?

This, I guess, is the trouble with having an army full of sidekicks; take away the hero and they just get emo and indecisive.

The door of the inn flies open with a loud crash, giving occasion for some fine piratical dialogue:

"Flay me, mate, you nearly had a yard of steel in your gizzard, sneaking up on us like that," [Barim] growled, shoving his blade back in its scabbard with a clang.

"Sorry, Cap'n," fat old Blay wheezed, stomping in and wringing the rainwater from the hem of his patched and worn old cloak. "Twas that devil-blasted wind, it was, fair snatched the door handle from my hands, it did. Ah, gods! Is they a drop o' wine in the shop to warm the guts of a fat old man what has been trampin' the streets of Tarakus from dawn to dark, till he has nigh wore down the leather of his soles?"

Blay quaffs some wine in jovial-fat-pirate fashion, while Barim waits impatiently for his news.

"Belay all this bilge, and get down to business, you fat Kovian bundle o' blubber!" Redbeard roared.

If either of them say "landlubber" or "scurvy seadog" in the next few pages, it will make my afternoon. :D

Anyway, some painful paragraphs of piraticism later, we find out that Blay ran into some old mateys called Yaruk the Hook and Thurgan the One-Eyed, and managed to get One-Eye so drunk that he gave away Kashtar's entire invasion plan!!

"Oh, aye, Cap'n! Look ye, the way One Eye Thurgan puts it: ol' Red Wolf has thrown over his plans o' carryin' off half the Sarks of the West, 'cause he's afeered Karm Karvus has escaped alive* and is going t' bring the word to the Black Hawk**, y'see... so the old plan is junked, an' the new plan is t' strike fast as lightnin' before Patangy can get word and spring t' arms***, so termorrow dawn we sail... shippin' orders will be brought to each Cap'n of th' coast tonight at midnight by messenger-"

*Probably Kashtar shouldn't have told KK his evil and not-very-well-thought-out plan, then
**Um, wasn't Thongor intending to use Black Hawk as his secret disguise name?
***...and doesn't Patanga already know there is an invasion planned? From like Chapter 2?

Yes! Barim swears at his shipmates and calls them all lubbers! Twice! No, three times! Close enough for me. They plan to sail in thirty minutes! Good job clocks have already been invented in the land before time.

They all run down to the harbour to board the Scimitar, but there is bad news - Kashtar has closed off the harbour entrance, and no-one can leave until the invasion begins at dawn!

Oh dear. Nothing else for it but to return to the pub. What hope does Patanga have now?

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Chapter 8 - River of Terror

A sodden bundle lies face-down in the wet sand. Yes, Thongor has washed up on a jungly shore! We knew those thews could not be kept down for long. Turns out that, um, he was caught by some swift undersea currents while battling the larth, and by the time he got to the surface, the pirate ship was out of sight. Riiiight. So, the best he could do was swim eastwards into the sunrise, where he knew there was land. Hold on... *flips back* ...the larth fight took place at sunset... why am I even surprised at Carter's lack of continuity? Besides, I bet Thongor could easily tread water for an entire night without getting tired, what was I thinking?

We know what to expect from the Lemurian jungles from the last book, what with all the phoths and ophs and deodaths and whatnot, but this time Carter has even bothered to give us descriptions of these beasts and not just a string of random syllables. What, then, does Our Hero have to look out for?

Those branches far above his head might conceal the sliding coils of the dread oph, the great horned serpent of the Lemurian jungles, whose blade-ridged spine could slash manflesh to ribbons and whose pallid and glistening length could lash about a warrior and crush his limbs to pulp in instants.

Here, too, dwelt the photh, the scarlet vampire bat who was one of the terrors of the jungle. But the denizens of Ptartha most to be feared were the titanic predators, the colossal jungle dragon whose insatiable hunger made its entire life one unceasing hunt for red meat; or the kingly vandar, the jungle lion, many times larger and much more ferocious than his modern-day descendants. As well, the fierce zulphar, the massive wild Lemurian boar, might well be hidden behind any bush. And the shadows of that thicket ahead could well be the haunt of the dread deodath, the terrible dragon-cat whose mad ferocity and savage strength made its name a legend of fear...

Luckily, Thongor managed to hang onto his broadsword and his dagger while being swept along by undersea currents, so immediately manages to bag himself a plump phondle at a waterhole with his awesome knife-throwing skillz.

The swift, hurtling glitter of the thrown blade flashed momently in the dim green twilight of the jungle clearing, and its bright flash was quenched in the hot scarlet of the phondle's blood.


Finishing his meal, he hears the sound of a hunting vandar in the distance, so resolves to sleep up in a tree. Or at least that is what I hope he does, based on the following sentence:

He spent the night in the crotch of a towering jungle monarch.

His first task, after waking and breakfasting on jungle berries (the vandar nicked what was left of his phondle), is to make himself some weapons, as obviously a sword and dagger are not quite enough. Then, with a few makeshift javelins strapped to his back, he heads to the river and starts building a raft.

With the keen blade of his broadsword, Sarkozan, and the strength of his mighty thews, he felled the young trees and wove them together with springy, tough lianas.

And he's off down the river, which should lead him straight to Tarakus! Which is kind of odd, since he was just on the beach a minute ago. Geography, schmography.

Toward twilight - terror struck!

He is attacked by a flock of phoths. Now this is more like it! Beats the previous chapter, "Karm Karvus Climbs Through a Window". Manly action! Muscles glide under his bronzed hide! ??? He knocks bats from the air with a meaty thunk! Then he escapes by hiding underwater until they go away! Well, I guess he's already had a lot of practice at holding his breath for a reeeally long time, his lungs must be just as mighty as his thews.

The thews are back in play at the next nightfall (or possibly the same one, it seems to go from twilight to the next nightfall without any day in between), when Thongor decides to catch himself a zulphar. Only the coiled strength of Thongor's mighty thews could have hurled his flimsy missile with such force as to penetrate the thick flesh! He has a tasty feast of boar meat, then settles down in another crotch for the night.

Towards noon the next day, Thongor again found himself battling for his life.

It's the poa! ??? ...which is apparently some kind of river-dwelling snaky sea monster, attracted by the delicious zulphar steaks that T has stashed on his raft. Is Thongor fazed by this? Of course not!

But years of city-dwelling had not sapped or weakened Thongor's fighting instincts. He reacted with that hair-trigger speed centuries of life in the savage Northlands wilderness had bred into his ancestors, and which was stamped deep in Thongor, blood and brain and bone.

Basically, he hits it with his pole*, but this doesn't do much good, so out comes the sword... but then he has to drop the sword in the river because the poa is lunging at his face! The snake constricts round him and drags him into the water! Luckily his mighty lungs allow him to strive manfully against the snake, ripping it open with his dagger... then he finds his sword at the bottom of the river and swings it around just in time for the poa to impale itself, Shelob-style, on the pointy end!

*it's a special pole.

Driven by the surging strength of his mighty thews, with all the steely strength of broad shoulders, deep chest, massive back and sinewy arms, the pole was a terrible and deadly weapon in the hands of such as Thongor.

Now, though, he has to continue on foot, cos the trees are all too big for him to cut down (even with his mighty thews) so he can't build a new raft. Some more paragraphs about what a mighty man he is and how awesome he is at surviving stuff... and then he's out of the jungle, Tarakus lies before him... and the lithe figure of a fighting man with naked steel flashing in one hand steps out to confront him...........


Call that a cliffhanger? Bah. Thongor has just dispatched a poa, a zulphar and a flock of phoths, one lithe fighting man is not likely to be a threat, and it's probably one of his mates anyway.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Chapter 7 - The Face at the Window

The stars are bright, the wind is cold
The moon is drifting free
We're out to seek for pirate gold
Across a silver sea

Yo ho!

The sun sets over Tarakus, and as ever, it's quite the production.

Sunset flared crimson in the west, and a scudding wrack of wind-torn clouds gave ominous presage of coming storms.

The Pirate City is quite a-bustle tonight. Beneath its beetling and heavily-manchicolated walls, many ships lie at anchor, because Kashtar has summoned the entire pirate fleet to prepare for the invasion of Patanga (the City of Flame, apparently, hence the Flame Throne I guess.)

Oh, it appears that Kashtar hasn't yet captured all of Thongor's mates, it was just a cunning plan he had, and KK was his only actual captive, so it kind of sucks that he escaped. It also means that Kashtar's invasion plan is in danger of being leaked, should KK make it back home, so all the guards are out searching for him, through the city ablaze under crimson skies. Yep, that's crimson three times in as many pages.

What, this is ANOTHER Karm Karvus chapter? The fuck? *flips forwards* Ah, OK, Thongor is back in the next chapter, never fear, and this one is pretty short.

It is also pissing it down with rain, though I thought crimson skies at night meant a shepherd's delight. All the pirates are enjoying themselves in taverns (much as you'd expect) but Karm Karvus has decided to evade the guards by hiding on the rooftops.

Yeah, he's still alive. How did this happen?

The Tsargolian never quite knew how he had survived the weltering fury of torn black water wherein the dragon, goaded beyond endurance, floundered and squalled. Somehow, after an eternity of swimming blind through black cold water far under the surface - lungs near to bursting and red agony searing at his brain - he had come up, gasping and half-drowned, in the fetid air of the sewers.

Anyway, we get a few paragraphs of explaining how clever he was to decide to go on the rooftops, especially given the cover of a rainy night, but now he's decide he needs to get indoors for some shelter and looks for an open window. Of course he finds one, and has to strive Heroically to get through it:

Foot by foot, up the steep incline of slippery tiles - streaming all the while with cold rain - he inched his way to the haven of the open and unlit window. He could hardly see from the stinging rain beating at his eyes. His arms, shoulders and back were bone-weary from the strain. The icy, insubstantial fingers of the howling storm-wind plucked and tore at him, striving to claw him free from his slight fingerholds and pitch him over into the dark alley far below.

...and so on, for two more paragraphs, until he finally reaches the actual window. But there is a cloaked and veiled figure inside! He smashes through the window and grabs the figure, trying to choke the life out of it before the alarm can be raised....!

...yeah, that's it for this chapter. Told you it was a short one.

Tuesday, March 08, 2011

Chapter 6: Dark Wisdom from Earth's Dawn!

Still with Karm Karvus, in his dreadful imprisonment. He's apparently just woken up in an unfamiliar lavish apartment filled with silken drapes and other treasures, after drinking some evidently drugged wine. Sucks to be him?

Hangings adorned the wall and they pictured forth incredible visions, subtly pornographic. On a long low table of hewn and polished marble stood a statue of wrought gold which depicted a young girl copulating with three satyrs.

Um. They "pictured forth"? And if that's what Lin considers subtle pornography, I dread to think what his hardcore stuff is like.

Turns out that KK was drugged by the wizard Belshathla, who (of course) has some kind of Evil Plan.

"The drug in your wine? Twas nothing - a pinch of Rose-of-Dreams, no more. More would have plunged you in a sleep so deep that death itself would not awaken you... and I wanted you alive!"

What sort of voice does Belshathla have, you might be wondering? Well, Mr Carter has that well covered. In the space of a page, we have the following:

"...a harsh, grating voice"
"...the other grated"
"...the rasping tones of [Belshathla's] voice"
"in his harsh, metallic voice"
"..., Belshathla harshed" (he harshed?)

B is a little pissed off with KK, because sometime in years gone by (around the time Thongor was fighting Black Zaar, in case you were interested, or even if you weren't), he had come to KK's palace to show off his new magic and been given short shrift. KK at first does not remember, but then it all comes back to him.

"...As I recall, I said you were mad to wish to bring to light again the devil-magic of Nianga... that the Gods in their infinite wisdom had crushed all of that accursed realm into ruin, so that the contagion of that evil science might not spread like some terrrible and deadly plague across Lemuria. I also said it was better for Mankind that the devil-machines of darkling Nianga lie forever beneath the dust of the ages and never be brought to the light of day again... yes, I remember that incident well!"

Oh, THAT Belshathla!

Belshathla is unabashed, and in fact his thin lips writhe in a vulpine leer of gloating triumph. Oh, gods, this prose is so overblown! Anyway, he laboured alone amidst the deathly wastes of that drear and accursed land, and basically uncovered all the evil Niangan magic machines, and he cackles insanely as he describes this, whitish foam bedrabbling the corners of his mouth.

KK, being cunning of mind, decides to humour the madman in the hope of drawing out some more information. Belshathla falls for this in less than a paragraph, and starts explaining about all his infernal machines. Apparently the Mind Distorting Lamp is but the least and littlest of all the terrible weapons in the mighty arsenals of God-whelmed and age-forgot Nianga, and the prize weapon is essentially an atomic bomb. Lin Carter gives his readers leave to picture KK's horror for themselves (no, he literally does this).

Belshathla is now, after half a page, so convinced by KK's show of enthusiasm that he decides to show him the arsenal, because nothing delighted him more than to flaunt his science before the humble admiration of one who had once spurned it. Tsk, scientists, eh?

Belshathla's secret lab is, appropriately, down a cavernous staircase in the bowels of the city etc etc, and is full of stalactites, with a gaping chasm down to the roaring waves beneath. Doesn't seem like the ideal scientific environment, but it does contain three things of relevance to the plot - 1) another Mind Ray of Madness contraption, 2) some cages full of mad prisoners and 3) a deadly larth! (who usually gets fed with prisoners when B is done with them).

KK, still in full flattery mode, suggests that B show off his genius by using the Mind Ray on the larth. See what he's trying to do there? B, however, is happy to show off. This will not end well.

The humming sound rose to a maddening whine. Now, from the central globe, a throbbing beam of completely colourless light shone. The cold finger of pallid luminance glowed faintly through the echoing gloom. It stretched from the rocky prominence whereon they stood, probing down into the watery abyss - to bathe the lifted head of the monster reptile full in its flickering beam!

Predictably, larth goes mad, destroys the shit out of everything, including the Mind Ray contraption. Yay! But! The ledge that KK was standing on was also destroyed, and he falls into the thundering maelstrom of battering waves and shattering spray!

I am swamped by lurid adjectives and faux-archaic constructions. The larth gives voice to a thunderous bellow of maniacal frenzy, as its burning eyes flare crimson! The pirates now only have one other such weapon wherewith to imperil the Empire! I dare not even imagine what kind of soundtrack this shit would have, were anyone ever fool enough to make it into a film...

Sunday, March 06, 2011

Chapter 5: Red Wolf of Tarakus

I notice that the chapter numbering continues, even though we're technically on "Book 2". I don't think Mr Carter has really thought this one through. But, here's the return of an old friend:

For days and nights beyond counting, Karm Karvus had lain in the foul dungeons beneath the towering bulk of the Pirate City, and he hungered for freedom. Freedom and - revenge!

Beyond counting? Last I heard, his ship was only lost 3 days ago (plus the day it took for Barim Redbeard to get to Patanga, and the day of reminiscing about Dalendus Vool, etc). He must be REALLY bad at maths.

But KK is still alive after all! His ship had been attacked by pirates, whose slim black boats had contained an "outlandish contraption".

A fantastic thing it was, all globes of crystal and rods of twinkling brass. But from it struck a weird and terrible beam of gray light... colourless light that twisted the sight away and held under some hypnotic fascination the minds of all they who had looked upon it.

Karm Karvus had managed to tear his sight away by sheer force of will (he's been hanging around with Thongor long enough to learn these skills, evidently) but everyone else had just stared at it while the pirates swarmed aboard. Manfully, he'd tried to mount a single-handed defence of the ship, but had inevitably been captured, and then Red Kashtar had ordered all his shipmates to kill each other, which they did. And now he's stuck in a rather nasty prison.

The dungeon cell wherein they had hurled him was dark and clammy and foul with the stench of human droppings and the vile odour of rotten straw wherewith the bare, beslimed stone flags of the floor were strewn. From somewhere in the stone ceiling above, moisture dripped ceaselessly. The slow plink-plink of it went on forever without change, and the monotony thereof drew his nerves taut and quivering.

Wherein? Wherewith? Beslimed? Thereof?

Anyway, he's pretty bored, until at last there came a break in the eternal monotony of his long imprisonment.

(it's still only a few days, right?)

Footsteps approach, and he springs into action, hoping that there will be few enough guards for him to overpower. But no, there are seven, naked cutlasses (of course) in their hands, and 'twould be an act of desperation to fling himself bare-handedly against such a number of armed and ready men.

He is taken into the pirate palace, which is full of treasures just casually strewn about and trampled on, cos pirates are just big slobs really. Their rich clothes are also covered with food stains, ugh! Naturally, we now get to meet the pirate king - no swarthy redbeard this one, instead he's a slim elegant man dressed in stretchy skin-tight red satin. He is dripping with jewels and his face is the "smooth, glossy hue of old parchment". Yes, I'm having trouble picturing that too. His wizard stands beside him, looking quite wizardly.

At length Kashtar smiled and made a mocking little half-bow. His voice was soft and there was laughter in it.
"Well, my lord prince, I trust you have found your quarters suitable, and our hospitality pleasurable?"

Kashtar is every bit the suave villain of cinema legend (his skin-tight scarlet pants notwithstanding) - polite and mocking, with the occasional COLD BLACK FIRE flaring in his eyes every time KK insults him. But what is Kashtar's evil plan??

"You are an old friend of the Lord of Patanga," he purred, "And, I doubt me not, he feels towards you with a warmth of friendship almost worthy of our demands - but not quite. But- when we have in some little measure added to our little collection of the friends of the so-called Lord of the West- "
"Added?" demanded Karm Karvus, hoarsely.
"Aye! now let me see; there is the Prince Ald Turmis of the city of Shembis, and old Barand Thon, lord of Thurdis of the Dragon, and hte young Prince Zul who but last year succeded his elder brother to the throne of Zangabal, and-"

?? So the pirates have been kidnapping all Thongor's mates, so that Thongor will have to, um, hand over his entire kingdom to the Pirate King, or else they'll take their fart gas outlandish contraption of madness to Patanga and make everyone insane...?

FFS. I've seen episodes of Terrahawks with a more sensical plot.

Hands up who reckons that Thongor will free all his mates and then have a super reunion party (full of jolly backslapping about how they defeated Dalendus Vool) before killing all the bad pirates?