Thursday, October 15, 2015

Leap of Faith


Oh such words to live by ... so, I should start, right? 

I'm trying.  In fact, I am about to go head to head with the biggest, most paralyzing fear of my life.  I am going to get on a plane on Sunday morning.  I have been scared of getting on a plane since I can remember.  I know it started when I was a kid.    We didn't fly anywhere and it just seemed like this huge daunting thing.  Little by little, that tiny seed of fear grew and grew until it's now this HUGE GINORMOUS elephant that sort of hangs out in my brain and keeps me from doing anything.   The fear took it's final sprout of roots on September 11th, 2001.  Oh yea ... when I learned planes could not only crash because of mechanical reasons but because douchebags could decide to take over and crash them into things.  New reasons to fear what I was already petrified of ... grrrrrrrrrrrrreat. 

So now, I am 35 years old and have never gone anywhere except by car.  Yes, everyone has pointed out that this is a far more dangerous mode of transportation than a commercial airliner.  But ... I feel in control.  My hands on the wheel, my brain taking stock of the ways I can save myself if something happens.  Perhaps, this comes from a place where I have intense control issues and don't know it?  Or, that other irrational fear I have of dying. 

We can't control that though, right?  Right.  We can't.  A person cannot fully live their life being in fear of dying because everyone dies sometime.  Not one of us is going to live forever just because we avoided anything that could put us in a position of dying.  I need to start living my life and expanding my world beyond things that can be accessed by highways.

Which is funny, because I can say that, and acknowledge that I want to do that ... but then, I don't want to get on a plane. I'm terrified of the plane.  I am terrified of everything about it.  But, at the same time, I want to go on the trip, I want to get over this fear.  I want to tackle it head on and be like  . . . "YEA!  GO ME!" 

It's like there is this thing ... and if I do this, I can do anything. I can go anywhere in the world and see all those places I want to.  The UK awaits me with its castles and history and accents and that gorgeous Union Jack flag waving high in the sky over the Tower Bridge.  The Tower of London and it's ghosts, Buckingham Palace, having tea and ... AHHH Or Ireland ... Scotland ... that island that could fit in the state of Texas is over there, just waiting for me.  But ... to get there, I would need to be able to strap myself into a metal tube and launch myself thousands of feet into the air, placing my life in the hands of a pilot and waiting 12+ hours to be in the place I covet so.   If I don't do that ... I'll never see England.  It's not like I can spend a week driving cross country, a week on a ship and then a week in England and then have two weeks to get back.  Who has that kind of time?!  And money?!  Certainly not me.

So, if I get through this next week, I am free to see anything in the world.  Assuming I can come up with the money of course.  It would only be money standing in my way.  Money can be saved. 

It's so easy for me to write this. It's so easy to tell myself I need to do this.  The logical side of my brain is like "Come on, just get on the plane, think of what awaits you on the other side of that fear" and then I get all jazzed and start planning all these great vacations I want to do.  I'm all good to go until that frightened voice starts screaming about not wanting to do it. 


Where I want to go is thousands of miles away.  I need to take a step, right?

So what if that step happens to be a ginormous leap of faith?  That step is me staring in the face of a fear that is bigger than anything else in my life and making it back down.  That's not an easy feat and not something I'm terribly well known for doing.  It's like ... the only major fear that I have.  Flying.  I also fear getting in a gnarly car accident but ...does anyone really look forward to that?

After this, will I feel different?  Will I feel like can face anything?  Will there be this huge weight lifted?  Or, will I hate absolutely every minute of it and never want to do it again?  Because, there is always that option.  Which, I really and truly hope doesn't happen because that would just suck.  Then again, I know people who despise flying and they still do it.  That should say something to me, right?

That tiny petrified voice can scream all she wants ... I am doing this.  I'm doing this and nothing is going to stop me so it isn't like it makes any difference.  I am acknowledging the fear, I am telling it that I know it's there but ... that I am going to conquer it.  I am going to grow as a person.  I am going to defeat it. 


London, I'm coming for you. 

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