Mom s02e06 Episode Script

Crazy Eyes and a Wet Brad Pitt

Previously on Mom So what's been going on? Not much, um I got a DUI, my husband left me and I tried to commit suicide.
Oh, my God, you're gonna do great here.
I do have two things I could hold onto through it all, I've stayed sober, and I've also helped someone else stay sober.
What up, bitches?! Ha! Hi! Okay, one thing.
Seriously? This is a rehab? Hmm, it's the address on the Web site.
"Tomorrow House.
Where the sun comes out tomorrow.
" I guess this is where Annie got sober.
My last rehab was a friend who slapped me and told me to snap out of it.
I didn't need rehab.
I stopped drinking the second I realized I'd turned into my mother.
You're welcome.
Oh, here's Jill.
How you doing? Hey.
Don't look at me, I'm a wreck.
Are you kidding? You look like a model who just took a long nap.
And thanks for picking me up.
Hey, I'm your sponsor, it's what we do.
Well, you're very sweet.
My stupid ex-husband couldn't be bothered.
Well, he might be a little gun-shy after, you know, you waved that gun around in his face.
So what was the rehab like? Ugh, hardest thing I've ever done.
Every hour of the day was planned out.
From the first massage in the morning to the tai chi after lunch, then therapy and pottery classes.
Oh, by the way I made you both napkin rings.
This must have taken you minutes.
"My precious.
" How's the food in a place like that? Ugh, don't get me started.
It's sushi every day.
I mean, I'm trying to get off painkillers, and now I'm full of mercury.
Maybe you can get a job as a thermometer.
Excuse me, I'm just gonna update my Facebook status to sober.
Okay, I've got a new plan.
I'm listening.
I'm gonna get rich, drink my ass off, wreck my life and then check into that country club rehab.
How do you plan to get rich? Why can't you ever support my dreams? Ooh! "Sober" got a like.
Mom - 02x06 Crazy Eyes and a Wet Brad Pitt Oh, beautiful staircase.
Not when you're falling down it drunk.
And this is, of course, the second floor sitting room.
Of course.
All new furniture.
Oh, a little remodel? No, a big fire.
Fell asleep on the couch with a joint in my mouth.
It's also why my hair is short.
Play piano? No.
I just like big, black, beautiful things.
Hey, where'd everybody go? Second-floor sitting room! That's fun to say.
I was in the yoga studio, turn around, you guys are gone.
Did you see the tanning booth? Did I? Look at that 90 seconds.
So did you get this house in the divorce? This and the place in Aspen.
That's it I am never banging a poor guy again.
I guess we should get going.
You gonna be okay? I'm gonna be fine.
I'll see you at the meeting tomorrow.
If you need anything, you have my number.
Thank you.
Bye, Jill.
Your phone's ringing.
Jill? What's going on? I'm fine, I'm fine.
Come on.
Talk to me.
I just I I don't know what to eat for dinner.
What? I mean, there's chicken, and there's fish.
Am I vegan? I don't know.
You can send out.
From where?! Chinese? Italian? I certainly can't have sushi.
Oh, my God, my life is a mess.
No, no.
What you're going through is a natural part of getting sober.
I don't remember this part.
Just go get her a glass of water.
Well, you're asking water to do vodka's job, but okay.
Listen to me, you're gonna get through this.
I'm so scared, Christy.
I know, I've been there.
The important thing to remember is you're not alone.
God bless you.
I'm so sorry, I can't find the kitchen.
Oh, yeah, I like me a wet Brad Pitt.
Oh, good, he's still wet.
Did you get Jill to bed? Yeah.
Do you know the toilet in the master bathroom blow-dries your ass? Wow, so you can actually be too rich to wipe.
You talk to Violet? Yeah, she's not happy about it, but she'll look after Roscoe tonight.
Did you explain to her that we're here saving a woman's life? I did.
She doesn't get how serious this is.
There's chocolate mousse in the kitchen.
I know, I was gonna save that for after we've bowled a few frames.
It's hard to believe that somebody can live like this and still be so miserable.
I mean, we're miserable, but we have nothing.
Which seems right.
The way God intended.
I just got to say something, get it off my chest.
- What? - I really want to rob this place.
What? I'm not going to I'm just thinking it.
I figured if I shared about it, it takes the power away.
All right.
Well thanks for sharing.
If you were gonna rob it, what would you take? Easy.
Persian rug in the dining room.
That's 25 grand right there.
Yeah, but then you got to get a truck, guys to move it.
I'd stick with the jewelry.
Really? I'd be careful there.
She'd a drug addict.
He didn't give her anything real.
We're just talking, right? Right.
Where are you going? I have to put something back.
Christy? Bonnie? God? Where are you? Oh, um screening room.
I'll take the elevator.
Be right there.
What time is it? Seven o'clock.
See if we can get a late checkout.
Come on, get up.
First-class house I slept in coach.
Good morning.
I made you both fruit smoothies.
Well, at least there's room service.
Thank you.
How you feeling? Great.
Why? Well, you kind of cried yourself to sleep.
Oh, I do that every night.
It's actually really good for your skin.
- You guys want to go for a swim? - I wouldn't mind a dip.
Mom, we got to get home.
I want to see the kids before I go to work.
Why would you say that? Why would I say what? I know what you're doing.
You're throwing it in my face.
What's this, now? Because I don't have kids and don't have to work, you think you're better than me.
Oh I get it.
Good one.
You think I'm making a joke? Those are crazy eyes.
Not a joke.
Not a joke.
That's all you are is jealous! This is why I can't have any friends! I can think of a few other reasons.
Get out of my house.
- Get out! - Okay.
Okay, we're leaving.
Never turn your back on crazy.
I hate my life! I hate my life! Jill, I'm sorry, but we can't find the front door? This is what it's all about, right? - A shared meal with the people you love.
- Hmm.
What's wrong with her? Nothing's wrong with me.
I just realized we have a lot to be grateful for.
Sure, we could live in a big house - with a tennis court and a movie theater.
- Then why are we living here? Let me finish.
The point is, that's not what makes you happy.
That's not what fills your soul.
Your mother's right.
You can't fix the inside with the outside.
You can have all the riches in the world and still be miserable and lonely.
That's actually true.
I've seen cartoons about that.
I got it.
You realize she's setting you up to fail.
I want to apologize.
Are those part of the apology? Neiman Marcus.
Where are my manners? Come on in.
Christy, Neiman Marcus is here! - I like your new place.
- Don't patronize me.
Jill, you okay? Yeah.
And thank you for leaving all those sweet messages.
I was worried about you.
I don't know what to say.
I'm really embarrassed about the way I behaved, and I thought maybe I could make it up to you guys.
Oh, Jill, that's really not necessary.
Totally uncalled for.
Which one is mine? Christy? I can't.
You were gonna rip her off.
You're right.
And turn.
If they weren't sober before, they're sober now.
Wow! You guys look amazing.
You going out after the meeting? No, just wanted to bring a little sexy to the 7:30 Tuesday night meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Well, lucky us.
Did you also happen to bring cookies? Hello.
I'm Christy.
I'm an alcoholic.
Hi, Christy.
I just want to say, I am getting so much out of being a sponsor.
Hang on.
Let me just step out here so I can feel closer to everybody.
You know how they say the more you give, the more you get back? Well, it's true.
I'm living it.
She's wearing it.
And I think the reason that this works is that it's God's will for us to be of service, to help other people.
And it's not just the less fortunate who need our help.
Sometimes it's the haves who have not.
Have not! The main thing is, I realize now is that you cannot fix a spiritual malady with material stuff.
Stuff! - Keep it down.
- Down! Okay.
Uh, well, I guess that's it for me.
I just want to say how grateful I am, and, um, thank you all for help keeping me sober.
Right here this is why I don't sponsor people.
That and no one asks you.
She's gonna be okay.
Oh, thank God.
They had to pump her stomach.
- Ugh.
- Ugh.
And they had to cut her dress off.
Damn, this disease! This is all my fault.
What are you talking about? I'm her sponsor.
So? So, it's my responsibility to keep her sober.
No, it isn't.
Then what the hell am I for? You tell her what you do to stay sober, and then she does what she's gonna do.
That's it? I have nothing to feel guilty for? Well, I didn't say that.
Paging Dr.
Davis, telephone.
I'm Dr.
My wife, Jill, was just admitted.
I get it now.
Big, black, beautiful things.
Excuse me? Oh.
Uh, um, Jill's okay.
She's sleeping now.
Oh, thank God.
Who are you? Christy Plunkett, Jill's sponsor, but I'm not sponsible for this.
You're not.
She's done this before, more times than I can count.
I'm so sorry.
Me, too.
She told us about the divorce.
It's been coming for a long time.
- I just couldn't put up with it anymore.
- Nor should you.
Bonnie Plunkett.
James Kendall.
Come on, James, let's go to the cafeteria.
I'll buy you a cup of coffee, we'll talk.
I'd like that.
Jill told me her husband was a monster.
What do you know? The drug addict lied.
Oh, God.
Back to hell.
- Oh, shut up.
- Mom! What? In an hour, she'll be taking a tennis lesson.
What she means to say is, good luck.
What she means to say is, "Take me with you.
" Are you disappointed in me? Are you kidding? No.
I feel like I let you down.
I can see that.
That's not true, either.
It's okay.
I forgive you.
No, you don't get to forgive me.
Let it go.
She's got more napkin rings to make.
Can I ask one favor? Yeah, I guess.
Apparently, I owe you.
While I'm stuck in here, is there any way you'd consider house-sitting for me? Yes! Got you covered.
Take all the time you need.
I will.
Love you guys.
- Love you, too.
- Love you, too.
Dibs on the room with the horny toilet.
I can't believe *** again.
Hey! If you can't be grateful go to take a *** and come back for a better attitude.
Though love, good.
When Jill gets out of rehab, really after giving a nice gift for letting us stay here.