Three Weeks

Today is the third week of me becoming a singleton. And, today has been pretty pants, mainly because - still - I am knackered. Lots of little things have built up over a few days, and today another one landed on the pile, and forced me to crumble for a few hours.

I wouldn't say I had another backslide, or a total meltdown, but I looked around me, looked at my bills, things needing to be sorted and everything else and just gave in. Only for a little while, plus Jaysen was at school. I just sat, crying, trying to work out what I was going to do.

I'm still having identity issues. I'm a father, but that is the only label I can give myself. I am a crappy friend at the moment - my head is all over the place; a crappy person to be related to, as I forget to tell people what I am doing, letting them know I am OK; a crappy neighbour, the old couple next door still have no clue Jo has left; and, lastly, I can't help feeling like a crappy father.

Don't get me wrong, I am making sure Jaysen is first - he's fed, clean, clothed, helped where needed, trusted - but I just worry about stepping wrong and messing up completely. Him saying something innocuous to a teacher and social services getting called. Yes, I am being paranoid to the maximum, but can't help wonder "what if".

As for being a crappy friend, I have friends that are going through all kinds of shit, and I can't be there for them. I hate that, it's not who I am, but with everything going on in my head, I'm not in any frame of mind to offer help or support. "Sorry you're having shit, welcome to the club."

Family - I am awful at keeping people up to date anyway, but keep thinking "Oh I must call so-and-so" and then, three hours later, I kick myself for forgetting, and then I am either out or it's late.

The old couple next door are lovely - I always chat with them, but the last few weeks when I've seen them out, I've smiled, said Hi - but kept walking. I think I need to plop a note through their door just so they know.

And on top of all this, there are bills, people demanding their money now. However, thanks to the Government loving to being complete bastards I am having a nightmare trying to sort out money.

When I called them up and told them we'd split, they pressed a button, and that was it. Money stopped. Then, to re-claim, I did one on the phone and one will send me the forms. Tax Credits are "being processed" which could take 4 weeks. FOUR?! And then Child Benefit, I've not HAD the forms yet - it takes a trained monkey "up to 21 days" to get the claim pack out, and once I've completed it and sent it back, it can take 2-3 weeks, and THEN! THEN they don't pay out for 4 weeks.

So yes, I will get a nice back-payment, but by then... Doesn't even bear thinking about.

And people keep telling me I should "get back out there and have some fun, see some nice girls..." Well, clearly that's what is wrong with me. I need a shag and to get hitched. The LAST thing on my mind at the moment is "hitching up" with someone, regardless of it being a few nights of fun or my life-partner or something. I can just see it now, me on the rebound being picked up and messing up someones life. Sorry, that isn't me. Kids first, house second, then if I have the time, money and energy, then we'll see what happens.

I even had the "I work with a nice single mum you know.." from someone yesterday. Thanks but no, I don't want a girlfriend at this moment in time. But thanks for thinking of me.

Anyway, I had my meltdown, spoke to Jo, spoke to Ruth, did the school run, pulled myself back together - time to get up and walk forwards again. Even the rain isn't pissing me off at the moment. I just need for this headache to get lost, and for some kind of sleep to overtake me.

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3 Responses to “Three Weeks”

debbie said...

HI Honey, sorry I cant offer any help, but your doing fab, jaysen is fine I am sure, stop the what if's you have been there many times before,, (it gets no where) but I think it must help you to write on your blog how your feeling, I hope your headache goes soon Dan, Think of and and Jo daily but being so far away I am no use to either of you.. Bills get to everyone, Goverment are awful, but it will come, just you need it now is not helping,, but you will get sorted Dan in the end,,, Above all your kids are ok, and you are ok and Jo is ok too.. and the pets,,

Krista said...

There is no such thing as the 'perfect parent' you know. You are doing fine, and love and understanding goes a long way towards fixing any missteps with your babies. I think your friends understand- I know I do. And "I'm sorry you are having shit, welcome to the club!"

Just kidding- although just an expression of being there goes a long way. Your social services are impressive. I know it is frustrating, but be really thankful that you are not in the states. Our government doesn't care if you starve. That doesn't help the feeling of desperation when you need the money now, though.

You will heal, and things will get better, but I am so sorry to tell you- there will always be idiots around you. That doesn't change.

Hugs from across the pond.

Laney said...

Dan, you are one of the best and most dedicated fathers I know, so regardless of any other stuff going on behind the scenes you have no worries. As you know, SS aren't really interested in any cases unless they are the worst kinds of abuse. We couldn't even get them to help us when Ryan wanted to kill himself at his Mums, so you have no worries I'm sure.
Keep plodding on, it will get easier, I promise.