October 21, 2013

Nope, that wasn't it

Since we were out of town for most of Thursday, including 6+ hours in the car, I didn't get a chance to post a weigh-in for Friday. I had, again, maintained all week, but today I'm up a few pounds, to 259.

It was a rough weekend for some reason. Maybe it was the stress of Noah needing the surgery, and anxieties over the trip itself. Maybe it was nerves about work, and feeling overwhelmed with things needing to be accomplished there. Or maybe it was the sting of my cousin reaching out to me about making sure I am focused on getting back to a healthy weight. The last time she approached me about it, I was 345 pounds; bringing it up now means she sees me in the same state, even if the numbers on the scale aren't the same. She meant well, but with everything I'm dealing with right now, it was the last thing I wanted to hear. I don't want to hear that people can see how deeply I'm suffering, how hard I am struggling.

I dealt with it all in the way I know feels best, even if I only feel it in that moment.

No one is more critical of me than I am of myself. I feel so horrible for reacting this way. Guilty, even. My family sees that I'm obese again, so I overeat to feel better. My son isn't eating enough, so I overeat to forget that I can't make enough milk for him. I'm trying so hard to be a good wife and partner, so I leave all my work in the office and try to be sociable after hours, but then I get back to work and find myself overwhelmed with all I have to do. And I overeat.

A few months ago, I saved a brilliant cartoon from Toothpaste for Dinner:

It hit me, hard.

It's everything I've thought to myself, expressed very succinctly.

When I started this blog, I was super obese and deeply depressed.

Then I started to lose weight, with my only goals being "happy and healthy."

Healthy came easily at first.

But happy?

Nope, that wasn't it.

Nope, that wasn't it.

Nope, that wasn't it.

Nope, that wasn't it.

Nope, that wasn't it.

Nope, that wasn't it.

Nope, that wasn't it.

Nope, that wasn't it.

Don't get me wrong - so many of these moments I would say made me happy, very happy, ecstatic and joyful, even. But happy is a band-aid, my hurts run deeper than these moments could heal. Even at my happiest moments, I still feel incredibly broken and in need of a repair.

Weight loss didn't fix the emotional problems. And if anything, the weight regain has made them worse.

I'm making good on my promise to myself.

I'm seeking a happy and healthy life. Before physical health can be attained, and if I want the results to be maintained long-term, I need to invest in my mental health. I need to work on the happy.

I need deeper reaching, more intense workouts than I've ever faced before - only this time, they need to work out my inner problems. The reasons why I binge, why I restrict, why I find myself so full of self-loathing and the only way to soothe the feelings is to suppress them, rather than confront or deal with them.

I want a healthy relationship with food and exercise, and the first step toward accomplishing that is to try and start a healthy relationship with myself.

Over three years after starting this blog, I finally made the call.

My first appointment with a therapist is on Thursday morning. She deals with childhood issues, with new mom/new wife issues, with trying-to-be-do-and-have-it-all issues. Most importantly, though, she deals with disordered eating issues, which I am more than ready to talk about.


Cynthia Malm said...

Could not be prouder of you, my friend. Wishing you the very best recovery one can have.

timothy said...

make sure you just let it ALL out in therapy, don't hold back or wait to build up a relationship with her give it to her 100% full on warts and all. I wish you could see yourself as the kick ass warrior goddess woman we all do and one of these days you will! I KNOW it and i'm gonna jump for joy when YOU KNOW it too! you're trying to do it all in perfection and that's just not life sweetie, that you're trying so hard proves what a GREAT mama you are. your lil guy is so lucky to have a parent that not only wants but insists on the best for him! sending waves of love/healing your way!

That Loud Redhead said...

It sounds to me like you've made the right decision. I wish you many prayers and hugs on this new phase of your journey.

Amy said...

What a strong moment and post! I hope that therapy will really provide the answers and solutions you're seeking!

That comic is so perfect. I feel like last year I had the whole body image thing figured out. But now? I'm back to feeling like crap again about myself and I have no idea how to get back to that amazing confident person I was last year even though I was heavier than I am now.

It's never ending.

Anonymous said...

You're awesome. How'd it go with your p'tit minou?

AlisonMK said...

You are wise, Mary - and like Timothy said, I wish you could see yourself like we do. I am amazed at your fortitude and can tell what a wonderful mom you are. Good things will continue to happen for you - I just know it!

Angela said...

I applaud your decision. I decided to do the same thing at the beginning of the year and it was the best thing I ever did. The great thing about therapists is you don't have to worry about whether something you say upsets them like with a loved one or them judging you because ultimately you are paying them to listen to you talk. My looking at it that way freed me up to be able to talk or say anything I felt like I wanted to say.

Anonymous said...

What a strong post. I hope this helps you continue on your path to well-being! You've made so many incredible strides forward and I'm confident this can only make you a better You. :)

Joan said...

Yes, yes, yes. Rebuild from the inside out. Strong to the core. You are not afraid of hard work and you you are doing this for your man, your child, but most of all for your very deserving self.

TCHBD5 said...

Still so incredibly proud of you. The inner search is always a tough road. Repeatedly feeling like you've got to follow what everyone else feels you should be is one of the toughest lines to cross but so much better for you. We love you here and hope your journey is a safe one. Holding thoughts of you in our hearts and arms. (((<3)))

Weight Wars said...

I love reading this. You are amazing and strong and generally just fabulous.

Mental health is my bread and butter and if you ever need to talk I'm there.

Denise said...

This is one of the greatest things you've ever written. Thank you for sharing your journey so honestly.