That pounding headache and nausea you feel have nothing to do with the rum last night. INYF you’re so hungover all you can do is watch crappy youtube videos at work. It’s all in the stars. Tell your boss the stars made you do it when you get called into her office. She’ll totally understand.

INYF, Aries. When you’re not in the middle of one of your rages or rollercoaster manic swings, you can actually be a lot of fun to hang around. Witty, energetic, and very much the life of the party, all parties end up being your parties. Someone else’s birthday becomes your celebration. Someone else’s wedding, your moment. You put the fun in while sucking the fun out. Neat trick.

INYF, Taurus. You’re boring, but comfortable. This makes you “that friend” that people often go to for quiet, normal time. Not for advice or actual help (you don’t like to do much), but just for some plain old day to day. Expect your house to be visited by a lot of crisis this week. I would tell you to stock up on snacks for folks, but a well stocked pantry is status quo for you.

INYF, Gemini. You’re the master at bending stats and facts to your argument. Get called out on your lack of truthiness? No worries, your mouth moves faster than most can hear. You can talk out of both sides of your mouth at the same time. You would make a horrible politician. You know who is a classic Gemini? Here’s a hint: YOU’RE FIRED.

INYF, Cancer. Out of respect for your crabby brother Julius Caesar’s passing, go get some rest and good at-home time. Caesar was a power-sick traveling war-monger, whose “friends” plotted his demise, stabbing him numerous times in front of the Roman Senate. See what happens when you don’t take adequate home-time? Don’t be a Caesar.

INYF, Leo. You rival Libra in some superpowers: appreciation of art and beauty. But you differ in your reasons for these superpowers. Libras create beauty, and have an abstracted frame of reference that makes art one of their languages. Your appreciation is false and intends only to covet, to brag, to show off, and to demonstrate how much better you are than everyone else.

INYF, Virgo. You are a judgemental traditionalist who tends to care more about whether your shoes and purse match than helping someone in need. The stars have aligned such that you will experience a moment of sympathy, coupled with a desire to do something about it. This next week one can witness a very rare Virgo sight: actual, real charity.

INYF, Libra. Like you even care what I have to say to you, right? I’m sure you’ve written me off as an ugly soul, with how mean I am to everyone (you). I’m shocked you’re even reading this. Go read Leo’s entry this week, and leave me alone. Oh, one thing: what I said about you in relation to Leos is true, but I neglected to mention that you destroy as much as you create. And black velvet Elvis paintings are art to someone.

INYF, Scorpio. Scorpios are not just scorpions, there’s a zoo of animals you’re associated with: eagles, snakes, lizards– even the phoenix. What’s interesting is that you’re never associated with any cute, soft, fluffy, or kind animals. You’re scary, gross, deadly, and dangerous. A predator. Pretty accurate. This week, aim for eagle and rise above it (this also gives you an opportunity to dive and kill when needed).

INYF, Sagittarius. Don’t get involved. I know you’re going to anyway– you have the will of a 5 year old vs. a piece of cake. Being told not to do something is akin to asking you to do it. Listening and respecting boundaries is just not your style. So go ahead, stick your nose where it doesn’t belong. I can’t wait to I-told-you-so next week.

INYF, Capricorn. Oh, upset that no one ever takes you seriously? You’ve earned this with your over-reactive constant-drama reality. You concoct stories out of fear of fitting in, fear of being good enough, and fear of being ignored. To that end, you become the person that people look to for entertainment, Capricorn: the sad clown of the zodiac that no one understands.

INYF, Aquarius. What the hell is “the water-bearer”? Allow me to illuminate. Zeus took you as a 15-year-old sex slave, and part of your duties were to bring him cups of ambrosia at his whim. When you rebelled and dumped the ambrosia out of the cup, he made you immortal as a constellation in the sky, forever carrying his cups of ambrosia. Cursed for tiny rebellion. That’s you.

INYF, Pisces. You truly enjoy protecting people, providing a safe haven, and swooping in as the noble hero, even if it means sacrificing yourself. Your need to be a savior, though, is often unwelcome. Not everyone wants to be saved, and more importantly, your rash assumptions about a situation are irrational and often wrong. If you keep this up, you might save the villain.

Think everything I say is bullshit? Me too! Want me to predict your future? Talk me up or tell me off: Laura Connor, your bitter astrologer.

The post Bitter Astrologer: Because It’s Not Your Fault. March 11-17, 2016 appeared first on Bitter Empire.