S02 E06 - Getting the love you want and giving the love they need

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In this episode I sit down with Vienna Pharaon, a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based out of New York City.

We have an awesome conversation about John Gottman's Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling. We talk about controlling our personal narratives. We discuss assuming positive intent, and having a low negativity threshold (you'll learn about both of those principles in the middle of the show).

Vienna is sweet, knowledgable, and wonderful. I hope you enjoy the insights she brought to this conversation! Check out her incredible Instagram profile, and her website.


Vienna Pharaon is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in the state of New York, practicing out of New York City, conveniently located near Grand Central Station. Vienna received her Master of Science in Marriage & Family Therapy from Northwestern University, and trained extensively at The Family Institute, Bette D. Harris Center. There she treated individuals, couples, and families in a clinic setting. Vienna also received training at Family Focus, a community outreach program, providing community-, home-, and clinic-based therapeutic services for individuals and families.

2:30 - Introduction to Vienna

4:00 - "Getting the love you want doesn't mean giving the kind of love that you want to get. "Do unto others the way you would like them to do unto you."

5:00 - You can give love and your partner can still say, "I don't feel loved by you." There are different types of love to give and receive.

6:45 - How much responsibility do we have in getting the love we want? 

7:45 - The myths of "If it's true love, we should just 'get' each other." And "I shouldn't have to ask for what I want."

10:40 - How do you consciously change your inner narrative?

12:37 - Why is it important to change your mindset from "I don't deserve" to "I do deserve"?

16:30 - 25:00 - The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse that will destroy your marriage

17:45 - Without communicating effectively you just can't have a successful relationship. There's no way to get and give the love that you want if you can't ask for it, or hear what your partner needs.

25:59 - Assuming good intent is crucial. You need to assume that your partner means well even when they're doing something irritating or hurtful.

27:40 - When you assume malintent, you're almost always wrong. Unless you have a horrible partner, they're probably not out to get you and make your life horrible.

28:58 - You're more likely to be heard when you come from a place of kindness and understanding instead of anger and resentment. You can't get love if you're assuming malintent.

30:47 - Low Negativity Threshold: Why "Choose your battles," or "Just let the little things roll off your shoulders," is terrible advice.

32:00 - The happiest couples talk about the things that bother them (without making them a big deal) and get them resolved.

36:15 - It's important to learn to honor the "alone," and to develop a sense of love and belonging within yourself rather than the "I'll love you if you love me" mentality.

38:50 - Just because someone gives you love in a way that's not your love language doesn't mean you can't receive it graciously.

41:21 - It's scary to go down a road with someone that you've been down before and been hurt. You need to lean to create a positive narrative in your head that the person you're with will be there for you in a way nobody else has been in the past.

42:35 - "Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time." -Maya Angelou