Tour Down Under

Lisa's Mum presents: Snow Whitey and the 7 Dwarfs (aka her review of the TDU)

Once upon a time there lived a directeur sportif named Snow Whitey. Snow Whitey was a beautiful creature, and could often be seen around town, her mane of blonde hair and curiously prominent ears turning heads at every café. Snow Whitey lived in the kingdom of Garmin with an evil stepmother called Jonathan Vaughters. One day, the evil stepmother decided that Snow Whitey was too beautiful and her blonde mane too glorious to stay in the kingdom of Garmin. The evil stepmother cast Snow Whitey into the woods and hoped that she would be eaten by hungry sprinters.

Luckily, Snow Whitey had excellent survival instincts cultivated from years of being a domestique for local warlord Lance Armstrong. She survived by eating forest berries and using her ears as giant nets to trap flies and small birds. One day while hunting she happened upon a large Jayco caravan owned by a group of merry dwarfs. There were 7 of them, and each had a name: Robbie, Stuey, Gerro, Durbo, Leigh, Cam and Gossy.

The 7 dwarfs ate together, rode together and dressed the same, in little green suits (probably designed for slightly smaller dwarfs, Snow Whitey suspected). Each day they would leave their caravan on their shiny matching bikes, singing, 'Hi ho, hi ho, it's up the road we go,' as they set to work, digging themselves into holes in the hope of finding diamonds.

Snow Whitey was not a dwarf but did enjoy wearing little tight suits too, and so the 7 dwarfs welcomed her as one of their own. Snow Whitey loved the dwarfs, but every day she thought about her evil stepmother and vowed revenge.

One morning at breakfast, Snow Whitey was sipping her espresso and reading the paper when she saw a story about a race going on in the neighbouring kingdom of Adelaide, in which her evil step-mother would be competing.

'Look at this!' Snow Whitey exclaimed. 'It's a bike race in the kingdom of Adelaide! Teams 0f 7 race for 5 days over hundreds of kilometres in 40-degree heat! It's lucky there are 7 of you dwarfs. I will drive in an air-conditioned car behind you.'

The dwarfs looked hesitant, but Snow Whitey assured them that she would look after them and never let them come to any harm from Warnie or troublesome chauffeurs with a history of playing giant animals on morning TV. And so the 7 dwarfs prepared to race. They organised a team training camp where they went golfing and go-karting. They flew around the country wearing matching suits and posed for photos with kangaroos. And, finally, they went to a studio and recorded a team song. At last, they were ready to take on the evil stepmother.

The 7 dwarfs raced hard. They took on giants, convicted dopers and yellow teletubbies on the top of Willunga Hill. By the end of the race, one of the 7 dwarfs was on equal time on GC with another team's dwarf. Luckily, the race director called upon by-law 1.2.11 of the race rules which stated that, where 2 riders were tied on GC for time, and one rider had won a stage, the leader's jersey would be given to whichever rider had professionally pre-recorded a team song in the weeks prior to the tour.

'Phew,' thought Snow Whitey, 'I am glad we did not end up shooting that swimsuit calendar that Robbie McEwen wanted.'

And so the dwarfs won, and Snow Whitey beat her evil stepmother, and they all lived happily ever after.

The end.

Lisa's Mum's guide to the Tour Down Under

Lisa's Mum loves the Tour Down Under, mainly because she has a small crush on Andre Greipel and enjoys seeing Adelaide drivers being forced to be nice to cyclists for a week (hoons in Adelaide are nothing if not economic rationalists; even the dumb ones like a tourist dollar). However, as an Adelaide local, eager to open her arms wide to the greater cycling fraternity in expectation of a passionate embrace (or at least a Euro double-kiss, or a Belgian triple-peck if she happens to chance upon Eddy Merckx), Lisa's Mum feels compelled to provide a short guide to the Tour Down Under to assist visitors and non-cyclists alike:

  • The Tour Down under consists of a series of 3 women's crits run on Sunday, Monday and Thursday respectively. Stars in attendance include the reigning world time trial champion, 3 reigning Australian national champions and local celebrity giant-killer Bec Werner. There is also a support race in which men may participate and feel involved. The support race goes for 5 days because everyone knows that men take longer to do things.
  • Adelaide is a charming city in the south-eastern part of Australia that is renowned for wine, pie-floaters, and the Snowtown 'bodies in the barrels' murders. Actually, the murders never took place in Snowtown.
  • Lance Armstrong is not racing in the Tour Down Under. And despite Adelaide's new Livestrong cancer centre, Livestrong bike path, and the promise of Mike Rann naming his next child 'LiveStrong', it appears he will not be coming back.
  • Replacing Lance as TDU guest of honour is a gentleman called Eddy Merckx. Eddy was the Lance Armstrong of the 70s, except that he won more races and never pretended to like the other riders. Everyone keeps telling him that he is the Don Bradman of cycling, although Don Bradman probably didn't take quite so many drugs in his day. Also, Eddy has no idea who Don Bradman is, so the reference is kind of redundant.
  • Melbourne drivers please be advised that Adelaide does not tolerate any loutish behaviour on the roads, like U-turning at traffic lights or letting people into your lane. An appropriate speed is generally between 10 and 15kph under the speed limit. Under no circumstances should you attempt a hook turn.
  • German drivers, please be advised that the O-Bahn is not the same as an Autobahn. Do not attempt to drive into it.
  • If you are a non-cyclist and see someone in lycra on a bike, please do not ask them if they are racing in the Tour Down Under. They are not.
  • Related to the above: If same cyclist is wearing a bandanna and has tri-bars on their bike, you should instead ask them if they want to buy your super-vitamin-miracle-water that is guaranteed to lift their time over a 40km time trial by at least 83 seconds. Give them a glass of water and charge them $20. (This WORKS!)
  • A related point: Adelaide water is meant to taste like that.
Enjoy your week and Lisa's Mum looks forward to seeing you for scones and tea on Willunga Hill on Saturday.