Book Review: Finding Lina A Mother's Journey from Autism to Hope
Dachel Media Review: The "Mystery" of Autism

Lost & Afraid: Where To Turn When Autism Turns Violent

PreventionEditor's Note -- Every so often a reader will comment on a story we've published some time back, and it's easy for those to disappear without being noticed. So we thought we'd call attention to this new comment to a post we originally ran in 2011, "The Dark Side of Autism -- Violence, Assault, Police Interaction." (You can read that story below the jump.) This new comment, by Lost and Afraid, captures the desperate reality of autism for so many even as we keep hearing about the small proportion with higher functioning lives ... suicide, violence, family stress, profound disability. What fun. -- Dan Olmsted.

Managing Editor's Note: I extend a personal invitation to autism self advocates to reach out to Lost & Afraid through Age of Autism with their useful insight as to how to prevent the situation from escalating.  Please leave a comment with your suggestions as to how to ensure a safe outcome for all.  And for families like Lost & Afraid,  perhaps the autistic self advocates at ASAN, including their leader Ari Ne'eman who sits on the IACC in DC can assist you. They are always concerned following a tragedy and I'm sure will have concrete resources and personal assistance to help their autistic brethren and sisters.  You can reach them at Thank you.

I have a 16-year-old brother-in-law with severe autism, and he gets very violent on almost a daily basis. I didn't have any experience with autism before him, and my wife and mother-in-law seem to forget this, as now I'm not even allowed to say anything to him when he's doing something wrong. I've been accused of being at fault for his outbursts of violence, and I've been threatened by members of my wife's family with physical violence if they hear about me treating him that way again.

His father took his own life last year, and since then it's gotten worse and worse. Now this kid who can't even communicate that he has to go to the bathroom until he's shit his pants, has this huge emotional trauma to deal with. And since his mother had to go to work to provide for the family, my wife got stuck watching him almost every day, so now I have this violent person in my home at least four or five days a week. I fear for the safety of my one-year-old daughter, who he has already hit once before (and I got blamed for that incident). There are no resources for people in my position. I've tried doing research online about the link between autism and violence, and how to deal with it.

Everything I've found is useless.

Some of the articles sugar-coat the problem by coming out with statistics about how violence is only present in 3% of autistics. Well, that's fantastic for the other 97%, but what am I supposed to do the next time I get head-butted in the chest because I won't let him run out of my apartment before everyone else is ready to go? The rest of the articles I've found are terrifying, like the story of Trudy Steurnagel, who was beaten to death by her autistic son. I don't know what to do.

My wife and mother-in-law think that he'll come out of the autism to a degree, but I don't see it.

They're basing this hope on my sister-in-law coming out of her shell to a degree, but she only has Aspberger's and not full-blown autism. On top of that, in the eight years I've known him I've only ever seen him get worse. It has me wondering what would have to happen before they finally admit he's dangerous.

Does someone have to get seriously injured in one of his attacks? I'm trying not to resent him, but it's becoming increasingly difficult. His violent behavior towards everyone around him has me afraid for my daughter's safety. Because my wife is stuck watching him constantly, she can't get a job, and we're struggling financially. Any time I try to talk to her about the situation, I'm either met with hostility or silence.


From The Washington Post, a frank look at the reality of autism for thousands of families.  As the teens with autism age out this problem is going to grow. Cute little boys who punch are a far cry from adult men (and women) who can injure and even kill. Ask Trudy Steuernagel. We need better treatments so that our boys and girls, men and women on the spectrum receive proper care. We need to train law enforcement. And we need a national alarm to sound that the autism epidemic is very real.  The coming years will bring grave challenges. Violent does not mean criminal - but is our system able to tell the difference? And how do we teach and  protect our kids from the backlash?

In Va. assault case, anxious parents recognize 'dark side of autism'

The issue resonates not only with parents but with police. Every year, the International Association of Chiefs of Police picks one major issue to address at a national summit. In 2010, it was improving police response to people with mental illness and such conditions as autism.

"It has been a huge and significant part of our conversation in the last couple of years," said John Firman, director of research for the organization.

Firman, who participates in the Big Brother program, has a "little brother" with Asperger's. He said that when he goes out with the youngster, he sometimes wonders, "If anything would happen here, how would police deal with him?"

Among the summit's recommendations, Firman said, were that all officers be trained in how to deal with such people and that police work closely with families and community organizations.

Latson's case, however, was not a matter of a law enforcement officer being untrained, the prosecutor said. "This deputy has a 33-year-old mentally retarded child," Olsen said. "So the deputy is very sensitive to dealing with children with disabilities. He's lived it every day for the last 33 years."

Pained parents

On March 4, the jury found Latson guilty of four charges, including assault of a law enforcement officer and wounding in the commission of a felony. On May 19, he is scheduled to appear before Stafford County Circuit Court Judge Charles Sharp, who can accept or reduce the jury's recommended sentence.

Last week, prosecutors tried Latson on a breaking-and-entering charge related to an incident in 2009. In that case, prosecutors said, Latson rang the doorbell at a teenager's home. When the teen opened the door, Latson hit him and followed him inside. Latson pleaded guilty to assault last year. On Thursday, he was found guilty of breaking and entering.

"I'm not here to try to paint a pretty story about my son," but he is not the violent individual that Stafford authorities have depicted, said Latson's mother, Lisa Alexander. "Neli is not a danger to society. He doesn't belong in jail. He belongs at home."  Read the full article HERE.



I will give my update. Editors; the comments here should be published somehow in an ongoing documentary, on a venue with high reader volume. I would appear in a televised PSA. I would welcome a camera crew into my home.

Anything to combat this 'neurodiverse narrative' of the delightfully spectrummy children whose parents 'hate them'. I'm convinced that this is a ploy by the pro-vaccine; exploiting vulnerable, high-functioning ASD young adults into portraying the 'I don't want to be cured' meme.

Luke is now 15, 6'3" & 220. His clenched fists come at me about 100 times per day. Last week while I was pumping gas he grabbed his 17-year-old sister around the neck & choked her almost to unconsciousness. On a long car trip a few weeks ago, out of desperation, I pulled over, grabbed a roll of packing tape & restrained his arms to his body, his feet together, clicked him in his seat belt & was able to safely drive down the highway.

Unless you would like to be in the vehicle I could have otherwise slammed into head-on at 70mph, after his size 15EE foot kicks me unconscious? Don't judge.

He has begun to perseverate on violence. Watching the clock in the car roll over for each minutes change, he threw a punch. It was a 45-minute drive. "Fourteen, Fifiteen & Sixteen mean punchy", he says.

His meltdowns at school last year necessitated evacuations. He has a new school now. One with an 8-foot high fence around the perimeter, locked doors & security cameras.
A Blue Team; comprised of many very large men who wear radios & Observation & Recovery rooms. I wish I had a Blue Team. Or even a room to lock me into.

I refuse to consent to off-label psychotropic prescribing for him, as there is a chance that without them; his brain may change in his 20s & his behaviors will deescalate. With them, the case histories suggest he would require permanent institutionalization.

Yesterday I started him on 5 mg THC gummies (I'm in Colorado) & today he has only thrown less than 10 punches. A HUGE improvement. Again, judge me at your own potential peril; he does not discriminate with his victims of violence. I have only one goal; to avoid all repercussions that might lead to institutionalization, therefore lowering his quality of life & I will stop at nothing to avoid this.

Don't give up. Get mad. Not at your child but towards those that caused this. Do what you have to do, to make sure they don't get not one more piece of your child.

Given up

How could I forget to add this to mess? The sperm donor says he will take the boys so I can have break and get my life back on track however he will not answer when I call or go to his house for him to take our autistic son he really only has the intentions of taking the older one who is just fine where he is at my sisters house! He could care less that his disabled son was living in a truck because he either won’t go into my friends or family memebers homes or it’s too stressful on me because of how destructive he is so the truck was just easier! But now here we are with no where to go and no one that cares, and I’m not talking about me but about my son. No really care or realizes how big of an effect their actions are on my son because they are doing these things to me and not him so maybe they just don’t realize how it effects him! I’m so fed up with my son being treated this way it hurts more than one could ever imagine!

Giving up

As I’m laying here wondering what to do with my 9 year old son on the spectrum who is violent and almost my same size that is almost stronger than me. I’ve had more issues with trying to get any sort of real help with him. I’m a single mother of 3 and my oldest left for college last year and as if my life hadn’t already gone through some very difficult changes for someone with out the challenges of having an autistic child. Like losing my father, my everything the only person who I had for any type of support mentally. Along with finding out he had stage 4 cancer within weeks of his mother passing away, (my grandmother but filled in as mom since mine became mentally ill when I was little.)The town home I was renting asked me how I was gonna fix my kid and proceeded to kick us out not once taking into consideration the damages that come along with moving a child like mine. This wasn’t a privately owned one either this was supposed to be affordable housing with certain rules they had to follow. This property manager completely destroyed my rental history by filing evictions on me because of her mistakes, and her changing her mind on a payment plan and then some how won in court after openly admitting to saying the didn’t have to make accommodations they were independent living. Followed by the question of how am I going to fix my kid, and ended with I no longer fit their criteria to rent! So I was going to be homeless my father who sacrificed everything to raise the 5 of us on his own was just diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer and my older son was staying with my sister for the summer and she was willing to keep him there till I found a place and I had things in the works for my autistic son to go to safe families and I would then take my daughter who was in high school with me to live with my dad and take care of him. That’s when the worthless sperm donor of father to my two boys called me crying begging to let him take the boys he will quit his job that he has to travel for come back take the boys and get a local job! Well he came back alright but what he did was nothing like he said he would. At some point he had gone behind my back made friends with the guy I had been seeing who was a friend of mine for 6 years prior to this, I absolutely loved this man he made very happy he loved my boys and my daughter. He had gone through a nasty divorce and when the sperm donor decided to see if he could get this man to believe I was a horrible mother I was evil and doing things to him that this guys ex wife was doing to him unfortunately he fell for it at first. And that’s when the two of them it would be funny to tell me they had experimented with one another. Not once did this guy take his boys so I could help with my father or so that my father could get a break from the chaos of me living with him with my autistic son. Since my daughter moved out for college I’ve been slowly losing everything because I can’t get anyone to babysit overnightbfor 3-5 hours so I can work. My landlord sold the dump I had been renting for the last 3 years and my autistic son and myself have been mostly living in my truck and hotel at night here and there when can I scrape up the money. I had things going in the right direction for a few weeks I found an extended stay hotel with lots of people who were willing to help me by either babysitting so I could work or just emotional support. That didn’t last but two weeks when the manager refused service to me after I requested not move to a different room it wasn’t worth having a tv I would prefer to go without until the one he had supposedly ordered when I checked in and was told it would be a couple days but he would give me a discount for the inconvenience. So back to the truck we went and back to not being able to work. Today I totaled my truck I rear ended someone, I have always been a very cautious driver and the only accidents that involved me hitting someone or something were weather related. Traffic came to a screeching hault and I was watching the road I don’t know how I didn’t see the car in front of me stop. With the lack of money I had to let my insurance lapse so now I’m really screwed not like it would have been more than liability, but now I’m going to be in trouble and in even more debt. My son and I really have no where to go now and no way to get anywhere how could I have been so careless and not noticed the car stopping? I have been begging the school social worker, the county, his case worker, child protection and even the hospital where he has been admitted to for mental health for help for a break I can’t do this alone I need to get my head somewhat back to normal after the three horrible life altering issues. I have called the cops repeatedly because he beats me up he beats his brother up and all the day is tell him to not hit us and give him a sticker and leave. The most recent encounter with police I called them saying I needed help I can’t handle this anymore I’m at my breaking point we are living in my truck that had broken down earlier in the week and I said needed a mental break I wanted to go check myself in i my son would have to go to foster care. The were so sure of themselves when they said I wouldn’t get admitted and he wouldn’t go into foster care just because I needed a mental break, ever parent needs a mental break! And they wouldn’t bring us to the hospital and didn’t offer to call medics or anyone else. I can’t try and accomplish anything with my son along because everything is a game he wants to be chased or he is screaming and causing a scene and hitting me and even others around. I don’t think anyone will realize just how badly I need the help and the break till it’s too late and I end my own life!


My 8 year old son is getting more and more aggressive as he’s gotten older. When he was first diagnosed at 2 years old, I was told it he had PDD-NOS and a language delay. He would probably seem “normal” by the time he was 8 and function pretty much like a normal kid. I did everything possible to help. I got early intervention and have had him in specials needs and also got pretty every therapy to help. He hasn’t gotten better. He’s just gotten more violent and stronger as he’s gotten older. I’m literally scared for me and for him. I’m a single mother, his dad could never nor never wants to take care of him. I’ll probably never be able to find a man who will still love my son and be patient with him. I’ll never be able to have another child ever again. I wish I knew why this had to happen to me. I wish there was cure for autism. I sometimes wish I would have had an abortion like his dad wanted me to. I feel so terrible even thinking and typing it out but sometimes it’s how I honestly feel. I love my son, but I wish he didn’t have autism. I literally hate it and it’s the ONE thing I wish I could change about him. God please have mercy on me and help my child.

Kate Porterfield

Oh God! I am not alone! My 14 year old ASD, ADD, unspecified anxiety disorder, genetic deletion son is 6 foot, 210 pounds, and get more aggressive and destructive each day. The local autism center....well....they are like a preschool with their sweet "well...blah...blah...try essential oils (not really), but that is how helpful they are with their simpering voices and no real help. How do I keep my child out of jail? Is there a drug that will help? And, my other child....he really has nightmares that my 14 year old will KILL us all when the internet goes out! I have no idea what to do! We are a nice drug abuse, no spousal or child abuse. I am afraid, and I love him!


I am a mom with an 11 year old autistic child. He has shown really aggressive behavior towards us and it scares me. We have been on a waiting list for ABA therapy for a year now. I have cried to my doctors as well as his psychiatrist on how bad his behavior is and we still have no help. He is breaking up my family and causing so much stress. I fear saying no to him because when I do he becomes another person. He has hurt me so many times with no remorse. He has thrown wooden stools at me or anything he can get his hands on. I feel like no one listens. No one sees the severity of the situation because they are not the ones who are living in torture. I don’t know what to do. I fear he will only get worse as he gets older and then what. Someone will find me dead and say how sad it was but still nothing will change. Where is the help for us parents because if we try to defend ourselves and hurt our child then we are the ones put in jail for child abuse. I try my best to be a great mom and parent him the best I can, but it’s very hard when you cannot get the services you need. Even when I was able to pay cash for services it was so expensive. I was paying over $2000 a month just for ABA services because my insurance didn’t cover it and I had to stop because I couldn’t afford it anymore on top of $2500 a month for insurance. It is exhausting to say the least to keep afloat. My heart is so heavy just reading what the other parents on here are going through and I’m so sorry. I feel your pain and I wish we could all receive the help we need.


I have an 18 year old autistic son. He can get very violent and it scares me because he is bigger than me. I have had him in therapy since he was 7. Anger and aggression do not get better. I have found one thing that works, CBD oil. It is a miracle worker. I have him take it in the morning before school and in the evening after school. That has really helped. He still has tantrums but they are less severe and less often. Also, if I can recognize the tantrum coming, I can get him to take another dose and it helps. Hope this helps anyone. It has helped me some.


Well I’m in the same boat and ready to jump off. We’ve been told by law enforcement not to ever call again. They said he’s our problem and we need to step up and be parents. Last night he took a knife to my brand new family Picts I paid over $500 for the wall. My husband has a new shiner. I love my bouncing bundle of 26 year old joy. Can’t wait to be found bludgeoned to death by these nice officers. Last night I prayed during a thunderstorm that my son he struck and taken. I hate my life and anxiously await my bloody fate. I will rest easy.


My family is in the same boat as everyone else and no help or solutions. My Autistic Son started hitting us this year he's 13. We are not a 100% sure what started this violent behavior since he was being abused by a school Teachers aid last year till another aid had witnessed the aid attacking my Son also he has started puberty so we are not sure what exactly or if both triggered his violent behavior. Help for all of us families coping with our Autistic Son or Grandson or sibling, etc.


I am lying in my bed crying as I read this. My son is 16 and ASD, ADHD, Anxiety. He is 5' 10" and 200 lbs. He got angry with me tonight because I told him it was time to take a shower. He disagreed and started cussing at me and threatening me. Then out of nowhere, he punched me in my jaw. Then he kicked me repeatedly in my chin. He collapsed and started crying and apologizing.
I do not know what to do anymore. 95%of the time he is the sweetest young man. But when he doesn't get what he wants, look out.
It is actually a relief to know I am not the only one going through this.

Nicole Shaffer

I am a parent of a 16 yr old aggressive, autistic boy. He is a large man sized toddler with high pain tolerance . We here have been at the end of our rope for a long time but love our son so much and always have so much hope the next thing we try will have "miraculous" results. I have felt like I live in 1940 with the amount of help there is available to my son being he is big and aggressive and frankly...why would anyone want to deal with him?? People are mean and rude and if you don't have to deal with this kind of situation, if it is not YOUR CHILD ....well, it must be your poor parenting skills or lack of discipline that caused this problem. I have a 21 yr old son also on academic scholarship to our local University. He is the kindest, most laid back, most patient gentle soul I have met. We attempted to raise them the same. My autistic son has been the center of the whole family. We are so sad and fearful. I know my son's behaviors are really the same since he was 2...the difference is he is now a HUGE man! I am a nurse, I waited as long as I could to put him on meds. He is now on 4 heavy meds and we really do not see much of a difference and we have changed them a little to see if that helped. I really feel like Im loosing hope. I just do not know where to turn anymore.


Boy, I know exactly how these people feel. I have a grandson who is very violent. He can be snuggling with you, lean back and slug you with his fist all without missing a beat. He kicks and I mean like he can karate kick you in the chest in a split second. The other day he threw a cell phone at his father and hit him in the head and when his dad reached up to touch his head, the boy kicked him in the private parts. He had broken the TV screen, windows, furniture, he loves to stomp on his brothers toys. Every time he is transported to the hospital (as from school when he has these episodes, he has thrown a chair at the teacher several times) in a police car in cuffs because you can't control him. It took 3-4 police officers to tackle him once. He ran out in the parking lot of a local store and when his father tried to stop him and get him into the car, a woman called the cops and had him arrested. The hospital keeps him for a few hours until he calms down then sends him home because its the autism, not psychiatric and they can't do anything for him. He spent a month in an institution, being sedated several times because of his uncontrollability then they sent him home. What do these people have to do, wait until he kills someone, breaks someone's bones, etc., before this family can get some help???

G Cgops

I have a 24 year old adopted son who has become violent in the last eight years. There is only one solution, physical restraints. Something that allows them to move their arms but not enough movement to attack. It needs to be waterproof and have the ability to be remotely tightened. They cannot stop themselves something else must do it.

Robyn Smith Tweedy

Just tried to comment thisninder a great story about what Ivanka is doing with other needy populations.

Dear IVANKA!! This letter is concerning SEVERE AUTISM in America. IVANKA PLEASE PLEASE contact me or the NCSA about parents and carers of Severe Autism. THESE FAMILIES AND THEIR KIDS WITH SEVERE AUTISM ARE IN DIRE NEED OF YOUR HELP AND OUR GOVERNMENT’S HELP. We are MANY across this country. What we deal with every moment of every day caring (or trying to care) for our kids is MASSIVE!! This population is in dire need of total attention from our government. What our kids need is state of the art medication research, therapies, schools, activity centers and amenity rich permanent residential placement facilities (that can NEVER be allowed to go the way of the horrible institutions that Heraldo reported on and had a hand in getting closed down back in the 70’s). THIS population desperately needs focus and attention. This issue, this population, these overlooked needy Americans and their families should have centralized representation in the President’s cabinet. I am not speaking of general autism or the general special needs population. Severe Autism has specific needs that are different from even regular autism and other special needs. I am speaking only and specifically about SEVERE AUTISM not just autism. SEVERE AUTISM is different from the general autism population. What our government currently has in place IS DEPLORABLE AND DOES NOTHING FOR OUR KIDS OR OUR SEVERE AUTISM PARENTS AND CARERS. I believe the lack of help and attention from our government that carers and families like ours have to endure daily for and with our kids is a national embarrassment. WE NEED A SEVERE AUTISM CZAR! Not just a special needs czar but a SEVERE AUTISM CZAR!! We are many strong and our extended families who love us are many strong so I believe this is a story that if championed by you and the President THIS ISSUE will bring an ENORMOUS amount of new voters toward your father. PLEASE TEXT ME FIRST so that I will know I am going to receive a phone call. 9859519869. Thank you so much for all you do!!!


I have a two year old son that we stay with my brother in law his wife and child. Their child is on the autism spectrum with a sensory disability. I am patient and careful with him but his mother refuses to parent him or teach him. He acts out violently towards myself and my son. I know that I can’t say anything because if I do all I hear is, “ it’s the autism” but she refuses to deal with the way he’s responding and ignores it all together. I understand what the child is doing. I mean just today she allowed he son to have a table fork and stab my son in the eye, not only once but twice and she ignored it, and was very upset when I pushed a table in between the two children to separate them. I’m about to lose my shit I know there are plenty of children out there with autism that get picked on or bullied but I’m seeing an accountability issue with some that are creating autistic children that are bullies and violent because they aren’t getting the attention they need from their parents

Jamie Prince

I feel like the comments are non- ending and no one seems to be able to get help. It makes parents like me have no hope. You would think there would be more resources since so many are effected.

we get it Foster

@Foster, I am sorry to hear your situation but please know that I, and many others, unfortunately understand it. There are very few supports out there for those of us with adult children with medical issues plus violent behaviors. Most decent adult support focuses on those who are non violent and can participate in a day program with little or manageable behaviors. Even parents of other adult individuals on the spectrum do not understand what it is like to live with the violence towards others from the adult "children." So unless you can find a good day program that accepts the aggression (most do not) or are rich enough to afford constant round the clock ABA therapists or aides or have parents rich enough to provide that money to you so you can afford it then we are in the same boat. No vacations ever. No appropriate day programs. No fun outings. No opportunities for the family. It is really terrible for these adults and their families.

Your son is 16 so hopefully you can get the school district to increase services and find some appropriate help before your son ages out of the system. Good luck.


My youngest son is 16 and non-verbal. He's larger than everyone in our house. He is tearing our house apart and harming himself and the rest of us. These comments here show how serious the problems are but until you live in this situation you can never know the real horror of our lives. We need help! Please tell us what to do. I don't want him to live with us. He's a ticking time bomb and can go off at any minute.

Dorian Townsend

I am a teacher at Accel Centre and teach special needs education to children and adults with autism spectrum.
The road down there is a tough one as you have to deal with the behavioral seizures and several tantrums and the adults with autism sometimes behave like a toddler.
ASD Autism Spectrum Disorder is a developmental disability which occurs in the Neural system of humans that serves broader behavioral purposes at a very young age.
Neural system is collectively associated with the vision or hearing complex sensory systems.
Experts now believe that the autism spectrum is diverse in nature and many causes such as neurobiology and clinical presentations can lead to autism. This can make it challenging for Board Certified Behavior Analyst to accurately assess a specific child’s abilities.
Individuals with autism spectrum disorder don’t necessarily express anger, fear or other emotions in the same way as other children.
They can sometimes express these feelings through aggressive behavior toward other children. They might hit, kick, throw objects or hurt themselves.
At such times, I usually switch to another activity and give proper attention to them.


I am a dad of a 10 year old son who as both Autism and is intellectually disabled. My loving wife is his primary caregiver and takes the brunt of his aggressive tendencies. I often feel hopeless because I have to work to support the family, but I can't be home to keep both her and him safe. I pray that someday his behavior will improve, but nothing we've done helps permanently. I feel like we live in a combat zone waiting for the next wave of violence to hit. Anything can trigger it. Often (though I know this is not true) I feel defeated and as if I'm a poor example of a father. Both my wife and I are on auto-pilot and we've been exhausted now for about 8 years. Your prayers are appreciated; be assured of mine for all of you.

Autism Mom

While there are no solutions, I finally feel a connection. I'm not alone? Others are dealing with this too? I am a single mother, my son is 5'6 and 125 right now. He kicked me so hard in my back that he cracked 3 vertebrae. Every day I'm on the receiving end of kicks and punches. We have to feed, clean, and love a child who only reciprocates with violence. What is this life? This is not a life. This is hell.

money talks

"Although nine years ago, autism wasn’t in the press very often, Time had published the first major cover story, and it was about the Yale Child Study Center specializing in autism. The first doctor we reached out to was Dr. Fred Volkmar at Yale Center, and when we called, we were told it would be a two-year wait. We have a friend on the board of Yale, so we got in to see Dr. Volkmar the next week."

The above quote is from Fortune magazine in 2010. Harry Slatkin of NYC talking about his son who was sent to a residential school and comes home some weekends with full time caregivers. Must be nice to have that kind of support.

Here's the key, if you're rich you can get your child exactly what they need. If not it's a tough road. Harry Slatkin and his wife Laura are multi millionaires. Apparently if you are a multi millionaire you can skip waiting lists and pay for the best program. His son was shipped to Massachusett's NECC residential school, home of the pro vaccine/ anti biomed cult. I used to buy this guy's candles (Harry and his wife own a candle and fragrance empire.) They are also huge supporters of Autism Speaks. Needless to say when I found this out I stopped purchasing anything from his line.

The point is, this, nothing will ever change. The rich will get the services and the rest of us will live a very difficult life begging for help and services every step of the way while receiving little to no support many times.


I am a teacher of autistic children, ages 3-22. As the statistics report, the vast majority of my children on with ASD's are not violent. But there are some who are, and it can be very severe. It does often escalate badly with boys at puberty in kids who struggle with this. I too have loved a little boy to death, all of a sudden to realize in the teens that I am suddenly afraid of this young man who is bigger than I am, outweighs me by a lot, and is grabbing me around the neck, hitting me, kicking me, or throwing me across a room. I have many, many resources for dealing with aggression, and so far they have always worked, but it does take time. It doesn't happen over night. The day may come when my teaching strategies fail, but for now, in case it helps, here's what works for me: a combination of zero tolerance for aggression and an analysis of the tantrums to see what the function is, then negating that function so the tantrum doesn't work. Some examples are:

STOPPING ALL ATTENTION: If attention makes the tantrum worse, I take ALL attention away - no eye contact, no words, no touch, I won't even turn my face in their direction. I walk away and ignore until the child self-regulates, calms himself back down, and STAYS calm for quite a while - at least 10-15 minutes. Many a time, I have had to wait through 45 minutes of raging then another 30 minutes to get to this fully calm stage, then another 15 minutes of maintenance of the calm. It's hard to do, but nothing else works if the tantrum is fueled by attention.

CALMING ANXIETY/FEAR/SENSORY OVERLOAD: If the student is afraid and using soothing language and squeezing hugs calms then down slowly, I do this. I jump right in, ignore the aggression, get my mouth very close to the ear on their most responsive side, sing or talk very softly right into the ear, pull them onto my lap, rock and hold, while tapping with a finger or two on their arm. I'm trying to use all sensory modalities to give them something calming to focus on, that obliterates all outside sensory stimuli so they only see, hear, feel, smell me in my most calming mode.

DIVERTING FROM AGITATION IN EARLY STAGES: Many times in the initial stages, rapid diversion to something that builds self-esteem works like magic. For me, that means something with a high vocabulary or academic level. These kids have normal cognitive ability deep inside their paralyzed brains, and it's important to tap into that deepest, intelligent part of them. Show them you believe in them, know who they really are. I've completely turned kids around with this! I talk to them like they are exactly the age they are, using full adult vocabulary and thoughts, and often their aggression stops instantly. The first time I do this with a new student, I often get full, long eye contact, a big smile, and hear an actual sigh of relief. Don't dumb-down your language - rev it up! This only worst at the very earliest signs of agitation though, while they are still thinking rationally. Once a full melt-down develops, you can't talk to them rationally for a while.

These are the main things I use. I have other things I do with individual kids once I know them well and know their quirks. I don't know if it will help anyone else, but in case it does, I thought I would post.


I have a 28-year-old son who is hell bent on stopping Nintendo from having Princess Peach be kidnapped in any of their games. He loves this character and feels Nintendo is being irresponsible by having Bowser commit these crimes without a warning at the beginning of the game. I sees her kidnappings as the same as him being forcibly admitted to the psyche ward at the local hospital because of law enforcement intervention. I don't know what to do. I can't fix this or make him understand that Princess Peach is just a character and I will always protect him. It gets worse every day and I am at a loss. We have tried many different meds and supplements without any helpful results. I know that if my son gets admitted again, I will never be able to bring him home because of the PTSD he suffers while there. Anyone have any suggestions. I am very close to taking up smoking again.


where are the answers? I know single a mom who has a very large son; 19 years old, 6 feet tall, 320 pounds, autistic, and 100% deaf. has a melt down almost daily, violence is getting worse as time goes on. been on all types of medication and nothing is slowing this trend. she has tried respite houses and other places, but his size and behavior tend to scare them off of even giving him a chance. his violence isn't contained to the home as he had a melt down last week and directly fought his way to her to punch her in the face with about 200 people watching as her and her 28 year old sister tried to calm him down in public. his violence has worsened since puberty as his size has increased and he knows he is pretty much un-stoppable. this women has tried every agency known, been through various coordinators at the county and state level, but to no avail. she feels helpless. what type of housing is available for her son; whereas she, her 11 year old son, and the rest of her family can actually feel safe on a daily basis. she needs help desperately. thank you.


Dear Mark
As a parent and a father I feel your pain. I wish I had a cure but the reality is I don't. I'm just another single parent in SD struggling with his son's issues.
I've dealt with my own son's meltdowns over 14 years and followed a lot of "success stories". In my time Kurtz, Kartzinel, and Jepson were the best. Based on that, I would humbly offer a couple things that don't cost money that you could try today, just to try, if you can. Sometimes what seems like a small thing can make a big difference in behavior. Sometimes subtracting something from his environment (like cookies) makes a better improvement than adding (like heavy medications).

Open a window in his room. Mold, carpet, air fresheners, perfumes, scented detergents all cause major meltdowns in my child. Lots of fresh air helped.
Examine his foods. Dyes, preservatives, McDonald's, junk food like cookies....all cause major meltdowns in my child. Meats and vegetables only in our house works the best.

I am so sorry to hear of your tough, tough situation, you have my support. I live in California, if I was in TN I would like to talk in person. It sounds really rough.

Mark T Bunch

My son is 18 he is intellectually disabled/MR he also is autistic. He used to be happy....i always said yes Matt has his problems but at least he is happy....then in brother, his uncle either committed suicide or was murdered. We got the news as the extended family was gathering for Christmas dinner. It was a horrible scene with lots of crying and screaming. Matt had a nervous breakdown and lost 30 pounds...Now he has regressed in every area..he is very violent towards mainly me as I am the one that has to try to make him do whatever... his mother quit her job to take care of him during the day while I'm at work.... I come home and take over...he refuses to do anything without my constant prompts...which means I do his shower and I help him with all his personal care. If things do not go perfect he stomps up and down...he has busted the floors all over the house. He has cracked the bottom of the shower. He hits me as I try to restrain him. We can not get anybody to help us.....I have had to board up some of the windows..because if he sees someone walk by on the road he goes into a rage....if he sees a dog outside it is another rage... I have built 8 foot fences around the front and back door to prevent him from seeing something that will set him off.... it has helped some. But he is getting worse...he loses track of the steps in any process..showers take forever because he keeps thinking he hasn't washed this or that and wants to start over....His Mother and I are at the end of our rope....we have a young daughter. Noone can come to our house. We had to take him out of school due to the fits. I am 50 and he is 200 lbs and I find myself unable to hold him lately when he melts down...and starts lashing out at me. I need help we live in TN if anybody can help me.....we can't keep this going . I don't know what to do. No place will help us. God help us please.


I have a 13 yr. old son with Autism who has violent tendencies. He was found to have PANDAS, an form of Autoimmune Encephalitis, and chronic infections. Treatment has helped, and he was in a behavior program at school from K-6th grades. He still had issues up until recently with threatening to hurt/kill others when he was having autoimmune attacks or extremely upset. He has also escalated to breaking things and putting holes in doors. He will curse people out and call me horrible names. We recently put him on a mood stabilizer, Lamictal, and the threats have greatly decreased. Controlling his body wide inflammation using an herbal anti inflammatory formula called Theramend also really helps him, or Ibuprofen, instead. I worry and fear for him getting himself put in jail one day, seriously injuring somebody or himself. I have a feeling one day he will likely have to live in a group home type setting


Hi I am a step mother to a soon to be 13 year old moderately autistic boy. He cannot communicate well. He can answer very simple questions but the sentence has to be as short as possible otherwise he just repeats what you said. He has autism aggression issues also. When my boyfriend and I first started dating thid child was calm and sweet. Very easy to handle. Now that he's hitting puberty (quickly at that) hes become increasingly more aggressive but mainly to me and our two smaller and younger children. Right now he's only about an inch shorter than I am. A couple days ago I was getting them ready for school and noticed he seemed slightly agitated even though hes normally okay in the mornings. He acted out a bit by throwing things across the room when asked not to do something (normal for him) and I calmed him down and asked him to pick up the said object. I always do so calmly because anything else aggravates the situation. Everything was fine. In the car the kids have their preferred seats due to the prder they get out of the car, justin (the autistic son) was told to go to the other side. Everything was okay although he was slightly startled. Then he threw a glass bottle from the floor board in the back seat to the front where my child was sitting and almost hit her in the head. I plainly and calmly say to him "we don't throw things." He then tries to throw something else so I quickly say "no". My mistake. Big mistake! The meltdown starts. He almost always starts stomping his feet, screaming in a high pitched tone, biting his own hands, covering his face, shaking uncontrollably, punching the car seats, jumping up and down, and last but not least head butting whatever his head can reach. This time I turned to look at him, in a panic obviously because how can I send him to school in meltdown mode? That's right. I can't. So I sit quietly to see if he will start calming down and I told his younger brother to scoot over. I was afraid he woukd get hit in the midst of the fit. So he did. Then, when I did not react how Justin thought I should, he reached forward and smacked the absolute hell out of my arm 6 to 7 times as hard as he could. At this point I was staggered by shock. Hes never hit me before. Only himself and inanimate objects. So I managed to stay calm. I moved to the back seat where he was. My daughter ran and got his giant stuffed olaf, who Justin speaks through and uses to communicate for him. Olaf calms justin. Then my younger step son ran and got his jacket (for body hugging) because its fluffy and fits close to his body. I sat in the backseat and held him. This seemed to help. He began to calm. Then olaf helped some more. He was still pouty and whiny but I took them all to get breakfast at McDonald's before school. I know I shouldn't have reinforced the bad behavior but what do you do when its right before school. He had to be calm before I could send him. The rest of his day was good. He has a fantastic teacher who he loves dearly and his father and I do also. But the point of my story is, I'm becoming afraid of him. I was never afraid of the meltdowns or tantrums before. I'm the adult, hes the child. Whats to be afraid of. But now that he's growing and hitting puberty and is almost as big as I am, I'm afraid that he's going to seriously hurt me when I have to tell him no. We had him on risperadol before and it worked okay. Until they switched him to a generic at the pharmacy and then back again to the name brand. It messed it up and it stopped working. He also takes medicine to sleep, otherwise he wouldn't at all. Since the last doctors visit we have changed his medicine to ability which has been found to help really well with autism aggression. So far it has been okay but there have been more outbursts on the new meds. I don't think its the medicine though. I believe it has more to do with raging hormones. Which everything I've read here has done nothing but terrify me more. I'm scared hes going to hurt me or one of our younger children aged 8 and 9. Don't know what to do. Not sure he understands most of what we say. I'm scared this is becoming a new pattern and a small preview of what's to come.


I'm a 21 year old with a younger brother who has Aspergers. He is 13 and the violent episodes have been happening since he was seven. He has always had trouble making friends and can only really talk about his electronics. He has threatened both me and my mother verbally and physically for years (not to mention himself). The house is riddled with holes in the walls and he can no longer attend school. I fear for the day he hurts someone in a way that can't be fixed. He has been in and out of the mental hospital his whole life. HOWEVER. I do not harbor any resentment because the trauma we experience is only a fraction of his. This behavior is a result of his body rebelling against him. His mind, senses and emotions are all working against him. No one can really relate on his level because of his obsessions and his outbursts. He himself cannot even pinpoint the cause or the nature of his emotions. This, along with depression, is what backs autistic children like him into a corner of isolation. I'm racked with sorrow for those who have emotionally abandoned their own family members who live tortured lives. There isn't enough research to help our loved ones, so the burden often falls to the family. I understand the despair that drives us to resent them but we cannot give up. I will not give up. There is no cure to autism but there are ways to eliminate the violent behavior and help people like my brother live within society productively. Experimental treatments families are finding success with are CBD oil, THC oil, medical marijuana, medication, behavior therapy, massage therapy, and nutritional supplements. A common occurrence is that an autistic child will be experiencing a long term medical condition (such as an infection or immune disease) and experiencing enormous amounts of pain and stress causing violent behavior. There are also therapeutic long term and short term homes where your loved one can stay while you recuperate. Keep researching and talking, record your experiences! Do not give in to despair!


To the person in the article with the one-year-old daughter and sixteen-year-old brother-in-law with autism:

First, I am so, so sorry. Autism like this profoundly changes the thinking and behavior of those around the person. Many respond by not "rocking the boat," and whenever something goes wrong, family members can go at it about what caused it. I'm so sorry.

Second, you *must* protect your daughter. I know it's unimaginably painful to have to protect a child from another family member who, to a degree, cannot help all of his behavior--I have a sibling with severe autism. However, this is a non-negotiable.

Maybe your wife will be open to seeing a counselor who's had experience with this, personal or professional (if she is like me, she may be annoyed at the idea that someone who doesn't know autism has something to "teach" her, so you'll need to choose carefully). Ultimately, though, if your wife won't protect your daughter, you must, and you will have to get out of that situation.

Again, it profoundly changes the psyches of the people close to the person with autistic aggression. My own parents don't think normally, which they can't help, but they need to pursue healthier living and stop taking on my sibling's disability as THEIRS, and allow and arrange for professional help.

It sounds as though your wife's family needs this too. I hurt for your little girl, for all of you. Praying for you.

John Daly

My 13 year old daughter Rosie has autism. She is kind of non verbal. She can't speak much but she understands almost everything we say. She does speak in 1 or 2 word sentences but she is really hard to understand. Because she cannot communicate effectively, she gets extremely frustrated. She is a fun loving kid however who like me, loves to swim in the ocean. She also loves being around other kids but that is difficult because she does have behaviors that cause other kids to move away from her. This hurts her feelings (and makes me sad too) and I always try to minimize those bad experiences for her.

This year she started getting violent. I have spent a lot of time researching behaviors of autistic children, trying to figure out what the heck is going on with my little girl. Through my research I think I have learned enough about what motivates Rosie to lash out and lately we have tried different techniques that seem to be working. Control is a HUGE issue with her. When you are autistic you have no control. You are always led around by a guardian and told when and how to do everything. Once a child hits adolescence and the hormones start raging, that child often craves a little independence and being so controlled can be too much to bare. In many ways autistic children are just like everyone else and the need for independence and control is one of those things we all have in common.

Anyway, we have started to let her make as many decisions as possible. For example, at bed time instead of saying brush your teeth and go to the bathroom, I walk to the bathroom myself and brush my teeth and she follows. In her mind it was her decision. Also, instead of saying to her, lets go its bed time for you, I look at my wife and say I am tired and I need to sleep. My wife says the same, we yawn and get up and Rosie just seems (so far) to want to go to bed also. It is her decision because we don't even ask her. If we do have to ask we try to suggest that may be tired. So far so good. Another example is when we go to the park or restaurant or whatever, we ask her what park she would like to go to or what restaurant and she seems to love having that little bit of power in her life.

I realize that everyone is different and what works for one may not work for others. It is a spectrum right? But try to let your kid call some of the shots and try to see her/him as a little adult wanting to make their own way in the world. Go to extremes to let them make decisions. Good luck!

Ephraim Becker

I'm 20 Years Old with High Functioning Autism. A lot of people are saying that i'm violent and abrasive. I have very low self esteem and Anxiety. I usually get violent when someone that i'm very interested in being their friend has no interest in me at all.

You can read more about me in these 2 forums:


Why are professionals so rude and arrogant playing along like they show compassion but really can't stand me while they accept their awards and pay checks


I am another with autism who is posting from experience. I get violent but I feel HORRIBLE, so bad I can stop talking for days. I hate myself and I hate my autism. it is not a a gift. I love my parents. We are NOTTTT doing this to manipulate!!! We have terrible lives. I l can't be around anyone, cannot eat or sleep. And Drs say it is a difference? NOT.

I love my family so much. We are in as much pain as you are! Those who say we are manipulating you are wrong. Maybe some autistics do but most of us are so very sensitive. We hate ourselves especially when we "grow up" but are still kids in a noisy adult world which reminds us every day that we are stupid, weird, worthless, and disabled. Live like us for 30 years and see how many times YOU have an outburst. Probably more than me.


Hi, I am a father to a 6 years old autistic child. In the past year he started acting violently, hitting his mother and other people without any particular reason. He also throws objects, even chairs at his younger brother for no apparent reason. I have no idea what's causing this but its very frustrating :/


I have a twenty year old high functioning autistic son who is increasing violent, He no longer lives with us because of this (I'm paying rent for him to live elsewhere) I have two younger children who have been traumatized and feel that I haven't protected them from him. He goes through cycles and as long as he gets his way, he is usually fairly calm. The minute someone says no, a switch flips. He has physically attacked, verbally abused, threatened, destroyed our home, and nothing helps. I've tried countless meds, therapists, etc.... What do I do? Where do I get help? How do we go on? ...and on top of that I feel so guilty because there is nothing I can do.

Michelle Tilley

There is a website that I know of called Conversations That Matter. you can find it at It costs 20 dollars CDN per year subscription, but there are many wonderful and enlightening presentations on not only autism, but disabilities of many natures. The presenters are all really knowledgable and passionate about the work they do. Many of the presenters have a disability themselves, or parent a disabled child. I highly recommend the subscription. It could change you and your child's life significantly.

Grace Green

KKing. I am a retired piano teacher, and many of my students were autistic to varying degrees. I heard of some whose teaching assistants would whistle or sing during lessons. I heard of another whose assistant wore very strong perfume. I also saw a TV programme on ABA in which a child was being shouted at to not vomit.
Autism is not a behaviour problem which needs therapy, its medical and needs to be understood. If those who care for these children don't know that they can be allergic to perfumes, can't concentrate while being distracted , and don't choose to vomit just for the fun of it, then I'm not surprized if they respond with anger. So would I.


SK and all the other siblings. I wish there was some way to help. You should try to reach out to your school counseling. This isn't easy. My son is 12 and nonverbal and severe. I hv two other kids and worry about them all the time. I try so hard to give them breaks. If he has Medicaid insurance your parents can seek out a BCBA to help him learn to control his behavior. Also possibly respite care. However, it sounds to me like he is at the point that he needs to go to a good doctor and psychiatrist and get some medication to help him. It really isn't fair to the rest of the family. Hang in there! Special needs siblings are strong kids.


I am an ABA therapist who was recently working with a 6 year old. This child has autism along with a few other diagnoses as well-- This child has been defiant with almost everything I present to him-- whethers it's choices, demands, new toy etc. He is very verbal and basically just tells me he hates me and hurls verbal insults and swears at me and will mutter other unpleasant things as well. He will hit me, kick me, jump on me......It's been very challenging. Some of my days with him are great and he will enjoy the activities we are doing, and then bam it's like he turns on a switch. So Jekyll and Hyde. I'm not sure if he is getting the correct help......and they will be taking me off this client.

I feel very sorry for this child and family and truly hope they can get the help they need. But I also wonder what will happen as this child gets older.


I feel for the families with children on the spectrum. I as a mother can relate to so much to some of the posts. Im in the UK with an Autistic 14 yr old son, high functioning. he's a nightmare. I have 3 other children, hes the eldest. he gets so violent if he doesnt get his way. theres no support for him to regulate or us to cope... i believe he has something called PDA pathalogical demand avoidance.... in the uk we are told to call the police when he has a meltdown!!! discusting....


Depression and anxiety, imo, play a huge role in meltdowns (or tantrums, whatever you wish to call it). They act out violently as a way of gaining control when you restrict their obsessions. Just something to think about...

Francis Weibel


Has your daughter met with a classical homeopath? If not, I recommend it, as homeopathy can be very effective with these chronic mental issues.


My 16yo daughter is just in the 3% so called violent autistic adolescents. She has curved our lives for the worse. Destroyed our new home putting holes in the wall... threatening suicide and descriptions of how she will murder us all...her lil 12yo fiance..and myself..her own mom..then laughs about it. We hide all the knives...oh. and the most embarrassing part is the cops and ambulance at our house every week. She stays inpatient in a ward for a week and is let go. With us scared for our lives.
I've reported this time and time again. But NO SERIOUS ACTION TAKES PLACE. I FEEL ONE OF US WILL BE DEAD BEFORE SOMEONE WAKES THE FUCK UP. The cops out here know it's her abusing me bc she has no marks on her WHILE I'm covered in blood from her digging nails in my skin and bruises and black eyes. She even twists my nipples until their purple and very painful. I'm so affected as is my son. No one will take her
Even her biological father. It's so hard I am losing my sanity. Someone help me!

Find my daughter a home.


I have a 14 year old autistic brother. I cannot handle him much longer. He is so violent and uncaring and can't understand anything. He also has Asperger's and severe Defiance Disorder. He is so difficult to be around. He does talk and you can hold a conversation with him. He doesn't take care of his personal hygiene and he smells disgusting on a daily basis, doesn't brush his teeth and has thirty second baths. He makes it almost impossible to live with; he stresses our family severely. He is obsessed with electronics, specifically the computer, TV, and Xbox because of games such as World of Warcraft. I love WoW myself but it interferes with his daily life significantly. We have to disassemble the computer, TV, and Xbox every night because he goes downstairs whilst everyone is asleep and plays until morning. Every single time we do this, he will throw a huge violent tantrum. He will yell, swear, spit, punch and kick. My parents will still take the different parts away but he will stay awake for as long as possible downstairs grumbling or punching things (i.e the sofa) or slam doors. He has been expelled from so many different schools, its ridiculous. We have only just managed to get him accepted back into one of his old schools but it was only for half-days and lasted barely 3 weeks before it was summer holidays. He is constantly kicked out because of his violence, he attacks teachers and has even strangled some, and more than once the police have had to become involved because of his awful behaviour. Now I have to deal with this continuous stressful cycle every single day until I go back to school only to have to go through the same sort of thing when I get back home. Not only is he violent at school and when the computers, etc. are taken away from him, but sometimes he will wake up grumpy or become mad during the day and he will take it out on us. He has threatened my 15 year old sister and mother with a knife, manhandled my 9 year old sister and hit her, nearly thrown me down the stairs and strangled me as well as on multiple occasions threatening me with his fists. He only sort of listens to my father who works at 12 hour job during the day and is too tired/ stressed to deal with him when he gets home. The past year or two my brother went through a growth spurt so now he is taller than everyone but my father. He has realised this and uses this to his advantage when he wants something or to get his way. It's a nightmare because we have almost no control over him and he is unable to listen to reason. My parents have only just recently accepted that there is more wrong with him than simply autism but we are unable to find him a psychologist due to that he doesn't fit in anyone's categories such as school-controlled or via the council (or something close to that; my father didn't go into great detail over it). His violence has gotten to the point where my siblings and I, as well as my mother, have to call the police should he get out of control. We're all so tired of this.

Elisivah Lanelle

Ladies and gentlemen, I am a 38 year-old woman with Autism Spectrum Disorder. I am high functioning, but am currently unemployable because of my worsening aggression and violent behavior. I may not speak for all patients with Autism, but I can certainly speak for myself. My mother and father are also high functioning Autistics. My youngest two children are also high functioning Autistics. My oldest son has ADHD, my estranged husband has extremely advanced Defiance Disorder. My sister has Bipolar Disorder. Let me explain that moderately and high functioning Autistics can be F****** BULLIES! We are absolutely manipulative despite our intermittent bouts of loving and caring expressions. Our aggression can only be matched with equal aggression. We will only stop hurting you if we know you can kick our a** or kill us. Period. This is not a joke. The only thing that stopped my husband and I and my dad and I from killing each other is knowing that we could both kill each other with our bare hands (or whatever was near by). I know this is not an answer that people are looking for, but it does serve as an explanation (at least for my family's and my behavior). Autism is about lack of ability to express one's self, triggers, brilliance, and most of all... violence. I am medication resistant (minus marijuana... I do not suggest you give your kids weed, I'm just speaking) and therapists are afraid of me. My bosses and coworkers are afraid of me. I will only calm down if I know the person in front of me has a calmness or aggression in them with a look in their eyes that they will hurt or kill me if I don't freaking calm down... right now! My family has to use a "prison-like respect" atmosphere... "You respect me or I will hurt you." Sad to say but true. Ready for a cure... NOW!!!

 Teresa Conrick - To Jacob

Dear Jacob,

I saw your comment and my heart goes out to you and your family. It is not easy and people may not understand. Much of the research is showing that the immune system is very involved in autism. It is possible that your brother might have immune issues that could be causing his behaviors. Here are some articles that can explain and offer some options. All my best.


I'm a 15 year old teenager with a 12 year old brother who has autism. They say hes not that severe on the autism scale, and at first look you would think so. He can walk and talk and communicate fairly well (until the tantrums start). I first got to know him as my little brother who loved playing video games. But now hes become different. My brother has tantrums and often, if not always, becomes violent in almost every way. Weather it be hitting, kicking, smacking, you name it. And the things he says during his tantrums are just as hurtful, often using terrible language like "I'M GONNA KILL YOU (or himself)!!!" or "YOUR ARE A (insert bad word here) !!!!!" Often in public places. I rarely see that sweet little brother anymore. Lately he's just been plain nasty to be around. He has also got us in a never ending blackmail situation where its do what I want or I make your life hell. If we dare try to make him do something for himself (which he totally can do) or saying no to something he wants, he then throws a tantrum which by the end of it you would have rather just done what he wanted. My parents try there hardest to help but they are just as lost as me on what to do. We took him to behavior therapy looking for anything that could help. We were not looking for a magic cure because we knew there wasn't one but we were expecting they could at least do something. But it turns out all they did was take our money and give us a useless plan that we did try to put into effect. I don't know if we didn't try hard enough or what but hes only gotten worse since then and sue me for saying this but i think we deserved a lot more that what we got! Their basic answer in the packet was pretty much to just always say no. YOU THINK WE HAVEN'T ALREADY TRIED THAT!?!?! So now while those people are counting their money my brother is attacking us for who knows what.
When the tantrums done and everyone is crying in their rooms I come looking for help on the internet but all i find are more sad story's telling about the same problem but none of them offering any solutions and I'm tired of it!!! I'M TIRED of finding more problems than solutions! I'M TIRED of crying in my room while listening to my parents being hurt by my brother! I'M TIRED of society feeling bad but not helping people like me! I'M TIRED of living in fear of the next tantrum and wondering what might happen! I'M TIRED of not being able to do anything about it!
I don't see much of my real brother anymore, the one who loved to play games, and was always so creative, and always so sweet... I'm still trying to love him but if it doesn't get better i don't know if i can. Society wake up! its obvious that there needs to be a change but your to scared to try it! And the longer it takes for you to change the worse it will get. Please people, don't ignore me any longer. Think about it for as long as you want because I cant keep asking any longer, because...

I'm tired.


I am the sibling of a severely autistic 13 year old girl, and for the last 10 years the lives of me and my parents have been complete hell. Im riddled with scars that make me look like a meth addict, I am turned down at every job interview because of this, my mother has PTSD and her health is going downhill because of it, and my parents relationship has been ruined. My sister screams and hollers all day and night, upset or happy. I havent slept a full night in 13 years, and Im slowly losing hope for the situation to get better. Everytime we have had occupational therapists, regular therapists, and doctors try to help, they run away as fast as they can because shes not a normal autistic, and they cant just open a book and fix her. We've had to fight every step of the way just to get her medicated, and still its not helping. I don't love my sister anymore, and honestly I hope my parents just hand her off to the state because she is a psychopath. Every autistic therapist we've managed to get has come to the conclusion that its not her autism that makes her evil and violent, its her personality . Im at my wits end, and so is my family. Everyone says they want to help, but nobody does. Our cars have had to be replaced twice, because shes kicked out windows and vents, and our walls have over 40 holes in them. My mom told me that whenever the house gets damaged to the point that its unlivable, we will just walk away from the house. My family spends almost every cent on candy for this kid, since if we dont she screams and tries to bash our skulls in.
Im out of faith that anything will get better.
Im close to giving up.

Denise Broda

I want to say that I have a 20 yr old Autistic son who has started to turn violent these past two years. He does not communicate at all! He used to use the bathroom in his pants, but now I take care of him fulltime as my job and have worked with him to sit and use it. For those who can't get a job because nobody will care for them while you work, in some states you can become a certified provider and get paid by the county to care for your disabled son, daughter, or family member. They need a waiver which can be difficult to get especially if they are under 18. I begged, cried, pleaded with the county to please push this waiver through because I was running out of resources and would have to give him up to the state because nobody could watch him while I worked. I have a 10 yr old typical developing daughter I have to support too and couldn't not work. I'm a single mother because I divorced their father three years ago, and he knew it would make my life more difficult by not helping me, hoping I would come back. Now, I believe his violent outbursts are due to him needing to use the bathroom. Maybe constipation, so I started giving him more fiber, and will sit him on the toilet until he has a bowel movement. This seems to calm him down once he has one. He has never went after anyone, but gets so upset that he screeches and rocks rapidly back and forth. I have to walk away sometimes for 5-10 min because it gets overwhelming. I hear comments all of the time about how it must be nice to get paid to watch your own son, but you walk a day in my shoes and see if you could handle it. Even for just an hour. I earn every damn penny of it, believe me. Some say he's my meal ticket because of this, but I'm not a lazy ass who livdon'tf of welfare because I don't qualify for it and pay my own bills and go to school. I know I won't always be able to care for him, and need a backup plan. In ohio, the waiting list for a waiver is 2 yrs+. I didn't have that time to wait, so after all of the crying I did they put it through as an emergency waiver. Still, it took 6 months for all of the paperwork to go through. I thank God everyday for my mother who helped me. My parents told me they would help as much as they could once I got divorced. I just wanted to vent, and give information to people who has lost hope or almost there. I cry at least 3 days a week because of the stress, but I am strong and will get through this. Love to all parents/family who have a violent child/adult with autism because it takes special people to be able to live with a person with a disability.

Karen Wilhoite

I live in Wisconsin and have an autistic, intellectually impaired son with Bi Polar. He is getting wrose and worse and I am a solo parent and have no where to turn. The resources in Milwaukee, WI are horrible. I cannot handle it. He is grabbing my steering wheel when I drive, Hits me. I have broken closets and all. I am scared for me as are his therapist and no one can help me. I am scared.




At last the problem of aggressive persons with autism is being revealed. I too have to struggle with an aggressive 35 year old moderately retarded autistic son. I have watched in horror as he threw every object that he could find from the landing on to my husband trying desperately to protect himself on lower steps of the staircase. I screamed at my son to stop and locked him in his room. My son regularly smashes light bulbs, paintings, tears pants' pockets and shirt pockets and shreds books when he isn't throwing them at his father. His outbursts are unpredictable with no obvious triggers. His father is on the receiving end of most of his aggression. This is horrible because his father is his main care-giver and extremely gentle with him. Recently we took him to a psychiatrist and gave him anti-psychotic medication although I don't believe that he is psychotic. It is too early to tell if this works. His aggression occurs in cycles followed by periods as long as a month of relative calm. He goes to a special school and I take him three times per week on long walks and outings to the seaside to calm him down. I believe that his violent episodes might be related to gastrointestinal problems that he seems to have from time to time, as well as bad days at school. At this point we are in a period of relative calm broken yesterday by his smashing yet another light bulb. He is non-verbal so I can only try to calm him and to take him out of the house to give his dad a break.

Lisa Phillips

I babysit an 8 year old boy with autisim, when he gets angry he will attack me and I don't know what to do.


I have a son autism 15 years old.... we have to suffer his violent and aggression last month for 2 months.... we cant find the problem...very stubborn, biting hands, kick, tantrum you name it.... just recently I remember that we start giving him goat milk...we stop it last 2 weeks and hey presto!!! he is more stable now....

Jeannie Marie

Hi. My heart goes out to all of you who have posted here describing the agony dealing with autism induced physical aggression.
My daughter is now 16. From the age of 12 until 15 her aggression was living hell. I'm a solo-parent. I moved us out to NJ for a good school. I have no close friends or family out here. Did I mention hell? It got so bad I placed her in a residential program. BUT THERE IS GOOD NEWS: I've followed the science carefully and put my daughter on an anti-inflammatory dietary supplement; ANATABLOC. You guys - the physical aggression stopped. Within a month I was able to take her off the atypical anti-psychotic (She gained 65.lbs on those) She became so stable I brought her home after less than a year in residential. OH I was traumatized, so I was afraid. BUT you guys, since August she's been home and it's been wonderful. The FDA put pressure on the manufacturer, and they suspended sales. I've created a website: to get the FDA to change their decision on this. I'll be providing information on how you too can get Anatabloc before the FDA moves. Rosie is back in her old school - and they can't believe the difference. On the website I don't describe just how much it was living hell, just how afraid and despondent I was. Her on AOA - I know you all can "get it" and you don't judge me or my daughter for it. Also, I'm reluctant to "go public" about this aspect of our children - we want them to be included in society. Please go to the website. Stay strong. THERE IS HOPE!


I just came across this artical, I currently live with my boyfriend and his severly non verbal austic son. I have watched for a year my boyfriend be attacked. And yes I will say its deleberate because for no reason other than The young man sat down next to him and assulted his father. I have become more concerned as it is now so unpredictible. This is not a melt down but an planned assult now. I worry for my boyfriends saftey now. I have gone to the "professional" appointments and stated this young man is a danger to others as he intentionally will target his father. I'm at the end of my rope as I no longer want to be in a situation where I am also grabbed, headbutted, scratched by a 325 pound, 13 year old. I'm starting to get resentful as my children are no saying they don't want to live with me because of this. Where do I turn? I do love my boyfriend but its becoming an issue of "is it safe to live here anymore". My boyfried is in some type of denial or guilt land as he keeps thinking his son will "get better".. News flash hes getting more violent and meds are not working.

Emily Miller

I work with the family of an adolescent with Autism. She only self harms accidentally but her violent outbursts are becoming increasingly dangerous to others. Many of the commenters have addressed unplanned rages due to frustration. What concerns me as much, or more so,is her demonstrated capacity to make a plan and carry it through. She is capable of clearly verbalizing her wishes when she wants something although her verbal expression is telegraphed and ungrammatical unless I insist on a full sentence before acknowledging her request. If she does not get her desire (that 5th banana, 4th shower, to go outside in the snow sans shoes,to work with me on her school work, etc.)there can be extremely violent outbursts.
Recently she wrote a step by step plan to get a kitchen knife and kill her tutor (grammatically correct and numerically ordered). Several weeks later she did attack the tutor with a knife that she deliberately obtained ahead of time, and it was only fortune that kept this from becoming a tragedy. This twist to her inability to empathize or see the lives of others as anything other than facilitators/impediments to her desires has me frightened in ways that her unplanned rages do not.
This planned behavior has me very concerned for the welfare of the other family members and those she is in contact with. Has anyone else dealt with this type of planned mayhem?

Marcia Jacobs

My 19 year old son on the spectrum was just arrested today for domestic violence against my 21 yr old daughter. Tonight he sits in jail lost and confused, wondering why he is being punished when his sister provoked him. I wish I knew what life has in store for him in the future. He's not a bad kid, and I'm seriously worried about how this will effect his future.


Life saving advice for the *DANGEROUS FLIGHT RISK** from the mother of a lightening bolt. So many of us are single parents, abandoned over time to care for our adult child alone. To be prepared for any emergency situation my advice is, at bedtime dress your loved one in a pull-up(double if needed)only. An adult in a diaper won't be going unnoticed for long. Wandering adults with special needs will be mistaken for intoxicated if noticed at all until they walk into on coming traffic. All my love to every special person, be safe & remember the meek shall inherit the earth. We'll keep pressure on the IRC for lasso lesson or an acrylic bubble:)


& hopeless:

I don't know what is the age of your violent autistic sister, but if she is past puberty, you may request that her doctor prescribes her progesterone in some form: a pill or implant. This hormone is known to reduce aggression and counteract the effect of androgens that are usually high in autistic persons.


Ok great so many of us have aggressive autistics.. what do we do about it? Is there not any help at all for us? Am I not allowed over my mothers house in fear my sister may seriously injure my 1 and 3 year old daughters?? She has bit me damaged the nerves in my arm, scratched my arms up leaving permanent scars down my arms, she likes to pinch mine and my moms breasts when attacking it got worse after she was in a home she never just attacked anyone till after that place she was kicked out we found out they were going behind my moms back and uping her meds. We are worried she may have been mentally/verbally abused there aswell.

British Autism Mother

To lost and afraid in Las Vegas:- Are you able to buy/borrow for your son a pair of cheap wraparound polarized sunglasses (Polaroid is the brand name but might be a bit dear for you?). Boots in the UK (think large chain chemists) stocks their own version at about £.Stg.25. Hope this helps.

Also, some autists/aspergians find that Irlen lenses help them to read print. You can do a rough test on this by using cheap coloured overlays (think filing folder thickness). Some ASD/AD children have said, on finding the right colour (pink/blue/yellow/green/whatever) "the letters have stopped moving". An accurate diagnosis by a professional might be helpful - any Autism Mothers in the Las Vegas able to assist? Again, hope this helps.

We've all had to find out things for ourselves or from other Autism Mothers because the medical practitioners are largely ignorant of our children's diagnoses, etc. etc. Better stop before I stand on my soapbox for a real rant!

To- very tired in las vegas -- from Teresa Conrick

Dear very tired in las vegas,

Hi. I am one of the writers here as I have a daughter very affected - gi issues, agitation, aggression...and also autoimmune dx, severe reflux, pandas/ may be helpful to read more on our site about those issues and hopefully find a doctor who is fluent in autism/bacterial/immune issues....



very tired in las vegas

almost all the people in my autism support group relate that hospitals and doctors do not treat their children. we never get tests run. or they may run ONE. my son screamed for years his belly hurt, i'd make a doc appt, they'd tell me he looks fine. took him to the hospital, "bowels sound fine"... send me home. one day an er doc was there that has a severely autistic son.. he grinned and said, "your gonna love me.. cause when i get my hands on one of these guys, i run every test known to man b/c god forbit another doctor do it.. it may be the only time any tests get run.. its an ongoing argument around here" and he did just that.. he found my son was severely consitpated and even suspected chrons but wasn't sure, he gave us some magnesium and a pain med! i was shocked. my son got better.. that emergency room visit was the last time i saw that doc. i figured the hospital got rid of him. thing is if doctors aren't treating our children.. and approach everything as wait n see.. then we'll never have any data on our children.. the cause will be dragged out another 50 years.

very tired in las vegas

a. i have a non verbal 18 year old son with autism that is severely autistic and aggressive. i use the term aggressive b/c violent doesn't fit the crime.. it is always "steps and in laws" that usually feel picked on.. deep down inside they do wish the person could just get a good old fashion spanking b/c they act like a 2 year old.. its been tried.. it works temporarily and then the autistic makes the connection "do what i'm told to do when beaten, but otherwise"... when they are taught to listen b/c it is the right thing to do.. then you've cut your uphill battle in half.. it is an uphill battle b/c just like higher functioning autistics they just want to please and get kudo's and they just want something to do that they like to do. it takes an incredible amount of patience and time to get this right. you also have to pick your battles and you have to let them get away with some stuff but they get no happy interaction when they act like they are not listening. they CAN comprehend that they are different and that its not fair.. they are imprisoned by their bottles and they do "lose it" from time to time, with tossing things and acting out. but i just learned something recently that blew my mind!!!! head banging, tantrums, breaking car windows with their heads b/c they didn't get the toy they wanted.. most likely is a SEIZURE! i would never ever ever ever ever ever have believed.. if someone had told me this ONE YEAR AGO... i would have laughed my fool head off.. then the day came.. my son was incredibly upset about something, i was exhausted from holding him down.. (he is 18 and big) and when he finally calmed down.. he did the strangest thing.. he held his head back real far and his eyes rolled up.. and stayed there. he was completley aware the whole time and wanted me to make it stop. i took him to the hospital by the time i got there it was over.. the doctor was absolutely no help and sent me home. this happened again the next day.. and i noticed, the only thing different those two days in my tiny home was that i had started using a flourescent light.. so i turned it off the next day.. no seizure.. no bad behavior AT ALL... he was great all day.. the next day i turned it on.. meltdowns, begging to go to teh store, throwing things.. then one of these dystonia seizures.. (can be treated with benedryl) anyhew.... i tried my theory a couple more times.. and wahlah.. the lights. then i realized THAT is why he hated school so much! he begged and begged to leave there and to study at home.. (thru meltdowns, my son is non verbal).. anyways.. then i realized the stores! the flourescent lights! in time, i learned it was also being in the sun too long.. i do give him shades.. but that is not always a given to work.. who would have guessed.. i'm not saying flourescent lights are always the culprit but in my case they are. if he is great for a week and he suddenly acts out, beating his ear and head til they bleed and being violent i can almost always track down a forgotten lamp with a flourescent bulb that has been turned on.. who would have guessed meltdowns could be seizures.. it seems so realistic that he is spoiled and just wants a toy and didn't get it? but so many times he got the toy and still melted down.. it just never made sense.. after melting down and screaming and crying.. he would be exhausted and say "want to home" .... he didn't even realize it. for years he turned the lights off in our house and would leave one on at night.. we thought he was conserving electricity.. .. nahhhhhhhhh, he was turning off the flourescent lights. well, its very serious and needs to be looked into and the influx of them was about the time the upswing in autism coincides with the upswell in their home usage.. my son is on haliperidol now and valium.. he does still meltdown once in a while.. if someone snaps at him like he is their dog or child.. he will melt... we have come to realize he is an adult in his own eyes even tho WE realize he is infantile in his actions. how many people do you let get away with snapping at you and treating you like a child? that mixed with their anger that they are different is not a good mix.. now on to problem B. getting the whole world around you to not treat your son or duaghter like they need to be snapped and barked at.. especially when your autistic adult child probably deserves it. thats a tough one.. and C. where is my son going to go when i die? D. why won't the gov't help us, give us repbit? why won't the gov't question all of us every 5 years to find out whats new and what we've learned? all us parents ARE researchers... we need to be consulted.. Jail is the stupidist place for an autistic.. they have flourescent lights, they are treated like mud.. and they have no understanding why they are there.. its sets them back 10 years in their mental growth, somethign they may never get back.. i think it should be illegal to jail an autistic and those who do it should be brought up on charges.. jsut because you don't know what to do with my son doesn't give you the right to incarcerate him. that is a detriment to him and it should be illegal. the law should be drawn up and it should be federal. Reagon made a big change to mental hospitals for a good reason, but now we need to go back and rethink this.. it needs to be revistited.. and mostly.. autistics need to be recognized for their differences.. not for how tired they make everyone around them.. then people will start to understand them.. but the more research i do, the more i find out the flourescent light thing is big.. even temple grandon say's they bother her, she can see them flicker alot like a disco light. i am very exhausted.. i am livign with my aging mother and caring for my son alone.. my whimpy husband left. i wish i had a home.


My step son is 13 years old and high functioning autistic. He has been displaying aggressive abusive behavior to himself and siblings as well as Sexual behavior in front of his siblings. We have tried everything that behavioral therapist and teachers and doctors have had us try, nothing has worked. He masturbates in front of my children, he bites and hits them. I am currently out of the home because of the last episode. I am tired of these professionals using us as test subjects! Lets try this! lets try this! if he masturbates or hits we will do this! all I hear is (lets try this and if he hits or masturbates in front of your children again we will do something different) its always about how to help our austistic son and never about how to help the entire family. I am at loss of what to do, we have exhausted all resources. We make to much money to get SSI and we cant afford an in home care provider. They wont put him in inpatient treatment. I am tired of being told this is just a part of raising an autistic child! this is not okay! why wont anyone help us. I love my husband and dont want to leave him, but my family my children deserve to grow up without being traumatized and abused by him. IF this was a normal child..ya i said normal! get over it! if he was normal it wouldn't be okay for him to be masturbating and exposing himself to my children or abusing him. Why is okay for my autistic step son to do this! please help

Sarah H.

My son used to be very violent at times. We used to have to hide from him as he was 6'2" and 18 years old. He had put his head through walls, doors, a windshield, then he started coming after us. I have been bitten through to the bone, hair pulled out, almost lost my ear one time. He doesn't mean to, and in fact he once said, "why did God make me this way? I want to die." while he tried to bang his head into the wall. We were able to hold him down and tell him how much we loved him. That we would somehow find a way to help him.

In the past Risperdal helped a lot. I cant say enough good about it, disregard the experts that think it is too dangerous of drug. If you are reading this, the benefits far outweigh the negatives. I have seen it help many many kids. My son currently takes 4 mg a day. 1 mg 4X throughout the daytime and just before bed.

I also want to mention that we currently are using Medical Marijuana in the form of a transdermal patch (10mg CBD 1:1 ratio with THC) and it has been unbelievable! Seriously, I would tell everyone to at least try it. It took away all my son's violent behaviors, better than anything we have ever tried before. The first time we tried it, he was on a rampage. I snuck out of the locked bedroom and put one on his back as quickly as possible. I watched on camera and 40 minutes later he was smiling, and laughing at his iPad movie, something I hadn't seen in months.

I give him 1/2 a patch at a time (on his back near spinal cord since he likes to take them off of his foot- where the manufacturers recommend) 4 times a day and one more just before bedtime. I haven't seen him smile for years, and he smiles all the time now. BTW, it would take 72 patches to equal one marijuana joint ... I have tried it ... I feel nothing ... but he is so happy. I don't suggest smoking or eating it as dosage is not accurate and it won't last as long ... instead they get an intense "High" then its effects are gone. The patches are made by Mary's Medicinals and last up to 12 hours. I have absolutely no interest in the company. We go to Colorado to buy them. Of course, it is still illegal in my state, but you would not believe the difference it makes. Its been one year now. It is expensive and Medicaid does not pay for it. Each patch is currently $10, so it costs us $25/day.

One more thing Id like to add is that almost all seizure medications have side effects of violence. This can happen years after taking the drug. My son was violent on Depakote after 3 years, Kepra after 3 months, Lemictal almost immediately, Tegretol after 5 months, Zonegran immediately ...

I hope this can help at least some of you.
God Bless.


Hi. Im at the end of my teather. My name is jennie and i am struggeling to cope with my self confessed husband whoes now 53 and getting very scared as he seems to be getting more agressive 1 min hes lovely 5 mins later hes back to being agressive. Just wondering if you can help me? Xxx

James Swallow-Gaunt

Hi Iam a father of an 18 year old autistic son from the UK. Throughout growing up my son has had violent outburst against his siblings and both myself and my wife. He has attended and been advised to take various different therapies and undergone various course of medications.

This is ok but he has refused therapy and does not take the medication as a way of controlling the family dynamic. We had to forcefully make him leave the family home 6 months ago after he violently attacked his mother. Since then he has harrassesd us and we know are taking him to court to teach him right from wrong.

The attacks being with being verbal and now naughty steps of calls of stop helped. They became more physical the more he didnt get his own way and the behaviour wasnt challenged. He gained this learnt behaviour and became more of a bully than a son.

Here is my point I am a ex soldier trained in unarmed combat who has allowed myself and the rest of my family to be abused in our own home. This is because i did not understand my rights and received no advice by the health professionals or social services.

I have vowed not to let myself of other families experience what myself and Emma my Wife has gone through. To this point I recently re qualified as a level 3 self defence instructor and i have taken advice and researched English law to find out how to protect myself, with causing Harm to myself or others and where I stand in the eyes of the law.I have also developed a safe system of self defence from parents to avoid violent physical attacks.

I would be really happy to help anyone with this advice


I wish I could give you some advice on the behaviors of aggression. I don't know what state you live in but we live in Cali and my sound has in home support services and depending on the level of care your wife can get paid to take care of him at least that will help with the financial burden. Or your mother In law should qualify for day care and at least your wife can be paid in that aspect. Your mother in law shouldn't put this on his sister I would never do this to my daughter. She should get death benefits for herself and her son through the state then she can apply for in home supportive services. Then because they don't count ihss or death benefits she can apply for disability for her son it's ssi. Either way the state can help. These programs sometimes make it hard to figure them out but put in the time and they are worth it.

airelee parrish

I have a renter who has a autistic daughter who is violent how can he get help for her. Im afraid someone is going to get hurt or my apartment ruined which Neither I want.

Grace Renshaw

I grew up with a profoundly retarded and severely autistic brother. He had violent tantrums, but his abuse was directed solely at himself, and mainly involved banging his head into walls and floors. Any injuries we sustained were the byproducts of trying to stop him from hurting himself--and he had strength that was absolutely diabolical when these tantrums hit. I say this because I'm reading these posts, and my heart is breaking:

PARENTS, DO NOT ALLOW YOUR AUTISTIC CHILD TO ABUSE YOU, YOUR SPOUSE OR HIS SIBLINGS. No one, and I mean no one, should be subjected to domestic violence and abuse, even from someone who "can't help it."

I grew up in the 1960s, and my parents used knock-out drops to stop Phillip's tantrums. This may horrify some of you, but it (1) stopped the behavior, which in turn stopped him from hurting himself or others (we tried every kind of helmet available, and none of them held up under the abuse), and (2) gave other family members some badly needed quiet time.

THE AUTISTIC CHILD SHOULD NOT RULE YOUR LIVES OR YOUR HOUSEHOLD. THAT IS NEVER HEALTHY. Talk to your doctor and others involved in your child's care about ways to cope with violent and problematic behaviors that help your child AND improve the situation for others in the family.


I wish it wasn't so politically incorrect to discuss the plight of caregivers of people--whether autistic children, profoundly retarded children and adults, or adults with Alzheimer's. Some care situations are bleak. Acknowledging that fact--and affirming the fact that EVERYONE IN THE FAMILY, NOT JUST THE HANDICAPPED CHILD OR ADULT, DESERVES A GOOD QUALITY OF LIFE-- is the first step toward making things better for everyone.

Lost and Afraid

I was attempting to do some further research tonight when I came across this article. As I read it, I realized: My God, I wrote this. This is about me.

UPDATE: I am still having a difficult time dealing with my brother-in-law and his violent outbursts. My wife still has to watch him frequently, and my mother-in-law still refuses to even look into the possibility of a group home. I now have two daughters, and I always fear that he will go after them in one of his outbursts. Just tonight he head butted my wife in the face because she wouldn't allow him to bite a chunk out of our daughter's Nabi tablet or punch the television. My mother-in-law has been through two televisions in the last year and a half because of him.

He is now 18, and has shown zero sign of improvement. My marriage is still strained because my wife wants to be there for her brother, while I don't trust him around my children. Most of our fights are about him. My one victory has been that my wife watches him at her mother's house most of the time now, but even that is a hollow victory as she has to being our daughter's while I'm working.

I am still open for suggestion, but my situation is particularly difficult since I have no power to make any decisions in regard to my brother-in-law's care. My mother-in-law doesn't want him in a group home and claims that there aren't any good facilities in the area. I've never been given any more information than that. It seems like she thinks the perfect place will find her instead of the other way around.

I don't want my marriage to end, and I don't want my daughters growing up without their father around. But it seems that in order for me to keep my family together I must tolerate the presence of an extremely violent individual with the mind of an infant. As I said in my original comment, I've contacted autism groups and gotten no help whatsoever.

Something clearly needs to change in this autism game. We can't keep denying the fact that violence and autism are related. These groups love to flaunt the fact that there is no relation between autism and PLANNED violence. I've never believed there was. It's the unplanned, random violence like an obese tornado that I have a problem with. My brother-in-law can't plan anything, let alone anything violent.

I was very surprised to see such personal attention given to my comment. I hope that I've helped to open up a dialogue about a problem which I know I'm not the only person experiencing.

Emily garner

I have a little sister with autism who gets violent very often,beating me with her barbie dolls, and scratching me till I bleed. When she's not like that, she will get histerical over my brests, constantly trying to grab at them, and going around the house calling people boob and threatening their murder.( I'm 13) I never asked for this. I'll have my friends, and even strangers off the street telling me that their sorry. I didn't choose for my sis to be this way,but she is, and I just want to know what the fudge to do about it.

Emy Sutari

all i can say,,, we are not alone but at lost at the same time

British Mum

@ Tami p,
Is your son returning to school in the autumn? If so, get a cheap calendar, tear off July/August/September and stick them up (on the kitchen noticeboard?). Each day show your son the day on a newspaper or a news channel and then cross through that day on the calendar. When he's heard you say "no school" he's hearing you say "no more school ever" so he's upset each time. Hope this helps.
If he isn't returning to school in the autumn then that's another situation .....
Hope the Transatlantic language divide doesn't get in the way of my good wishes sent to you.

Tami p.

My son is 20 and is starting to hit me more often. It seems like he want to go to school but he's out for the summer! He's nonverbal but was trying to communicate to me that he wanted to go to school! When I say to him that there is no school he takes both of his fist and hit my arm together with great force! I'm very very very tired of these episodes from him. I have a new year old granddaughter and I pray he will never ever harm her. Reading these comments made me realize I'm not alone! He's on a lot of meds. but they don't slow him down until the street light comes on. That's when he get in bathtub!! I'm very exhausted with the school system and some of the red tape you have to go through before you get any help!! I'm about to start getting myself mentally ready for when he go to a residential home!!


I just recently started babysitting four months ago. In my first month, I came to realize that the twelve year old that I was babysitting wasn't acting like a normal twelve year old and that the things his mom asked me to do when he gets angry weren't normal either. Although seeing the holes in the doors and walls should have been indication enough. Now after having babysit-ted for the four months, I finally got the mother of the child to admit to me that he is on the autism spectrum. It was hard to see because he is not disabled and smart. She ended up explaining to me that he has an extremely hard time expressing his emotions and so gets more and more frustrated with himself and everyone around him. I was uncertain of what she meant until the first incident. I was sticking to a schedule like she asked and I was trying to get him to do his chores; I took away the tv remote control and he snapped. He got violent and started to throw anything he could get his hands on at me. I ended up having to call his mother to get off work to take care of him. Since then he has destroyed two of my umbrellas, tried to destroy my tablet and his mom's computer, threw my lunch that I bring to work on the floor once. He also went into another episode which ended up worse than the last one. It was the same scenario except he got so much worse than last time. He threw chairs, almost destroyed my glasses, started whacking me with a plastic spoon; causing several bruises and a nosebleed after hitting me in the nose, and punched me a couple of times. This episode lasted for three hours. He now wants to do harmful stuff because he says he is bored. But he doesn't communicate why he is bored or when he is starting to get frustrated. I am sort of at a loss what to do now. I will be on this babysitting job for at least another two months or so. All the techniques his mom said to do don't work anymore and I'm starting to get angry at the child and I'm trying not to, but at the same time I don't want to get beat up. I took the job because at the time, I needed to pay school bills and five dollars was something rather than nothing, but now I'm more concerned about the child. How is he going to be able to function when his mom is gone and can't take care of him. I don't want him to end up in jail or beat up, but how to get him to realize that all of his actions might get him to those points. I at my wit's end and both me and his mom need help. We both don't know where to turn. My mom, fiance, fiance's stepfather, and fiance's mother have asked me to quit after having seen the last episode's bruises. I don't want to quit on him, but at the same time I'm at a loss of what to do. What do I do and where do I turn before either me or him get to the degree where I have to leave and call the police?


I am 14 and I have an autistic sister. My amateur research showed that girls barely get autism , but she did. My childhood will be forever ruined and scarred. My arms, hands, neck, will never be flawless due too having to hold her down in the car when she has a meltdown. She literally gets out of her seat belt and attacks my mother, we could be riding in silence and BOOM. She aggravates me. I don't want an autistic sister, but everyone will scold me if I say so. Well sorry I don't enjoy getting headbutted and scratched. Do you? If so take my place. I will disown my family when they ask me to watch her in my adult years. Because she'll be bigger and more violent. I don't want to put up with it. I wish she didn't have it, but she does and no one told me how to act towards this. And her father (not mine, just step dad) is just .... He . ugh. But autism ruined my childhood. Oh and this crap says never hit the person. Oh OK . sure. And never yell because they don't understand..... OK. Then just give me the strongest medicine for autism so I can put it in her yogurt. (She has like 50 a day.)


I've been working on getting what I now believe was a misdiagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome removed because I do not want to be around possibly violent or abusive Autistic men. I feel as a woman with the diagnosis that Autism covering everything from punching during meltdowns, to entitled thinking that leads Autistic men to think they're owed a girlfriend, means the diagnosis puts women at risk. I've heard of several stories where Autistic men were not held to consequences for stalking, harassing, and sexually harassing women. Women victims are told how these men have Autism, they can't help not being able to behave like decent human beings.

Since every response to wanting support for independence has been met with putting me in a group of nice Autistic men who flap their arms and act unpredictably, who will likely at some point harass me to be their girlfriend and get their parent to harass me or my mom to force me to be with him. It's happened before in Autism support groups several times. To hearing of Autistic people advocating violent behavior be accepted as a form of communication, I want to get the heck out of Dodge.

I feel sorry for parents who have to deal with this, but more sorrow for siblings held hostage to behavior that under any other circumstance would be seen as abuse and a sign someone needs to be institutionalized. I now understand I was originally diagnosed as having Sensory Processing Disorder. I only got a diagnosis of Asperger's after years of emotional abuse from behavior disordered (the PC term for what used to be called sociopathy) students. I think I had undiagnosed PTSD, but saying I had Asperger's Syndrome let the school off from responsibility for abusive male students bullying me. I mean being punished because I reported the deranged student with a slasher smile taking perverse pleasure at making me cry daily. Funny how I only developed being unable to look people in the eyes or speak after that. Having an abusive student who tells you no matter what you say you're dumb will make someone afraid to speak.

I'm saying no, no to being told I owe my time my life to Autistic people who are not taught to respect boundaries or women. That women shouldn't be trained to accept abusive behavior in special ed because it's easier to make her believe she's a broken screw up, when the students who torment her are the ones who are. Did you know many women with disabilities are susceptible to being in abusive relationships later on. It couldn't possibly be because they were punished each time they reported their abuser could it?


I have a nonverbal son who is very voilent towards me on a daily basis. It's abusive , honestly, but I guess no one really ever states it in that way. I have a hard time knowing how to process my feelings, so I constantly repress them:/ I never know when he'll just lunge at me and attack me. He's only 20lbs lighter than me, and up to my nose on height. I just pray he learns to communicate day by day, so his frustration goes down

L Short

Lost and afraid you not alone, my son is 20 years old 320 pounds and autistic. Raising and caring for him has been the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. I am quite sure God is tired of me because I talk to and plead for relief so much. It is trial and error trying to make your loved ones comfortable in life. My son had a hard sleeping so he takes Trazodone 300mg along with Benztropine 1mg at night and for his aggression, ocd and anger he takes Sertraline 20mg liquid, Abilify discmelt tabs 15mg, Oxcarbazepine 600mg and Buspirone 30mg. He takes the four meds in the morning and his school nurse gives them again in the afternoon. You can crush them all together and mix with water. He had tantrums daily so now maybe 1-2 times per month im working to end his tantrums completely. I got married 8 months ago and is sraining our Marriage but my Hubby is working with me. The meds will not affect there actions only the tantrums. I hope this helps

Sam Lavin

I once knew an 18 year old child with autism. He was in my college classes and made the lives of people around him very difficult. He began to punch people. At first he hit a girl he liked, but then he started lashing out on his friends and teachers. He finally got punished by the college after he held a girl down, whilst he touched her. When he was punished he showed no remorse and didn't even try to apologize. He told us how everyone was bullying him and that he should be allowed to do whatever he wants. Luckily the college gave him another chance. It is likely they felt sorry for him because he doesn't seem to understand right or wrong.
He is now on the third warning and has been arrested for assaulting and holding down a member of staff. It makes me feel pretty scared knowing that he can do these things and has shown himself to be very violent when frustrated. He has also taken his anger out on me. He punched me in the throat and when I was on the floor he tried to carry on kicking my ribs. People pulled him away, but I do not feel safe with him around me anymore. It truly is a terrible disease.
They've tried to punish him with adult punishments, however I believe it would be more effective to punish him how you would a small child. He is mentally still about 6 years old.
I am currently afraid of him. I used to be able to be around him, but now I've seen him in a different light. He acts like a nice, be it childish boy. But something inside of him can snap at any moment and in that moment he transcends from a human being into an animal with such primal rage. He cannot be reasoned with or talked out of his assaults. He stops when he is either finished or people pin him down.
I feel like my college is failing everyone. They are failing people by letting him be around them and they're failing him by not getting him the right support. He is a risk to himself and others, but the college wont do anything to stop him from doing things again.


I've got an 18 year old son who is violent, low functioning and sounds a lot like the 16 year old described above. He outweighs me by about a hundred pounds and is six inches taller than me but at least I can defend myself. My wife didn't have siblings to fight with so she just walks around all scratched up. Surprised you can live in an apartment without getting kicked out. We have tempered glass in windows, have destroyed furniture and live in what can basically be described as a sty because we can't keep up with my son's stim materials (can't explain this one as I've never even heard of someone with this). It is an absolute miracle that we are not financially destitute but it will happen some day. Would say suicidal thoughts are pretty much par for the course with me but we've been lucky so far and I keep praying that some day the state will take him from us but the reality is that we would have to say "we abandon him" and my wife will never do that.

I've felt the hate from my wife's family and my other son. I'm the bad guy because I would do just about anything to get away but if I did leave I imagine I'd wide up miserable on my own and things would get worse for my family and my other son. I've always wondered what it would be like to have my wife back but it ain't gonna happen anytime soon.

Forget getting any help. Sure it depends on the locality but if your wife and mother-in-law don't want to put him in a home there is no way no how the State will take him unless you can document bloody altercations and even if you could document it, your wife would ultimately leave you for proving it. In our case, we aren't getting bloodied enough so I'm out of luck. State put us on a waiting list, doubt my wife would let him go even if we rose to the top of the list. They would put him in an institution if we asked but even I would have a hard time doing that. My wife sure won't do it.

My advice to you is to leave your wife assuming you don't have kids. If you do have kids it is a tough decision although if your kids are resilient I'd suggest doing it. Things will not get better. There are not pills, he will never grow out of it although I guess I've heard vague things about middle-late 20s being an age where things might improve. I don't believe it but what alternative is there?


The cops may be trained in how to deal with people on the spectrum, but they're not trained in how to recognize autism, which is hard to detect in mildly autistic individuals, like those with Asperger syndrome.
I have asperger syndrome, and I suffered from rage attacks since childhood, although I didn't really hurt anyone, and with females sometimes those rage attacks don't necessarily involve violence, but more screaming and self harm. I took self defense classes, and punching the bags while building my rage and then stopping when the instructor said to stop gave me self control, and I haven't had any rage attacks since then.
meditation can help as well, and play acting rage-trigger situations while keeping calm, and learning other ways to deal with those situations, such as walking away, for instance.
some of this rage is due to the individual's inability to express himself and his feelings properly, and this problem can be solved with verbal people with the proper training.


I work in a group home with austic children and adults of all functioning levels. It can be difficult and confusing to understand their behaviors. Most often their behaviors are a result of frustration due to not being able communicate their feelings or what they want or need or being over cued. I can understand how hard it can be expcially with an escalation of violence. In a situation like this group homes can be very beneficial to both parties the family and the child/adult with austism. It can be a difficult transition as well. With someone who has severe austism it can be hard for the family to care for them or to keep there family safe. Although the family tries very hard sometimes families don't have the means or abilities to care for them. When violence is escalating and behaviors are getting worse that is a clear sign something is wrong. Examples; troubles coping, over stimulation, anger, frustration, change of environment, inconsistency. These are a couple of triggers of autism to much change or loss of a family member and be extremely hard for them. Most people with austism don't have coping abilities even if they can't communicate verbally therapist can be extremely helpful in a situation like this. Insurance should cover it or state funding if it can't be offered. A group home can be beneficial because staff are trained to deal with behaviors there is also a great deal of consistency there is also therapist offered and many other tools offered. I have seen kids or adults come in who are extremely violent it takes time and consistency but eventually they go from
Everyday multiple times a day of behaviors to only every couple of weeks or all most never. I've seen huge transformation in task they can preform. Each individual has a team and a plan to
Follow staffing and can see a therapist. State funding is usually available for group homes. If a group home is not for you and your not comfortable With it I would recommend having as much consistency for this individual as possible and don't over cue them also give them plenty of time to process what is going on. I would also recommend seeing a professional therapist or someone trained for this kind of situation. I hope this helps.

T Durden

It's your responsibility to protect & provide for YOUR family & your family only. Your family isn't safe & is going broke. Stop taking the violent autistic man into your house. Everyone's mad at you anyways. Put your foot down & say NO MORE! MY FAMILY COMES FIRST! There are places (albeit not desirable ones usually) who will take the violent man in. It's an unfortunate situation for everyone, but your job is to protect your family. I wish you the best. My heart breaks for all involved. Sometimes tough choices are the, only choices.


This is all very true. Unfortunately, I have less heart-warming sentiments than some commenters. I grew up in a house with a high-functioning disabled older brother. He is on the autism spectrum, but he can communicate well (3rd grade level in most things). He fully realized he was disabled (and what that meant) around the time he was 14. And with it came a rage that has still not abated to this day (he is now 27). He was violent. My alarm became my mother's screams of pain as he beat her each morning. When I went out with friends I worried the entire time that I might come home to find my mother had died--not normal worries for a teenage girl. And it has not gotten better. There have been hospitalizations and arrests. There have been ups and downs. Mostly downs. But it's not all about him--it's about what it has done to my family. There is no more patience for anyone. No more light at the end of the tunnel. My house is screaming. My house is not comfortable. Aside from my blissful years of ignorance during college I have known no other life. Outside of college I have never known a home that I didn't fear to some degree. What would you say about this if he weren't disabled? "Put him in jail! Get rid of the beast!" I presume. I know it is different, and that people can't help it--but do NOT demonize someone with the strength to admit that it is TOO MUCH. Many of my family members will NEVER find happiness because of the tragedy that befell my family when my brother was born. There is love, trust me there is. But in the same way that if you love your abusive husband, you should still get out of the relationship, love has limits.


My brother is severly autistic as well. He is now 16 years old. It is true that it is difficult to handle because everyday we're struggling and we see no improvement from him even if he's under medication. He gets aggressive as each day passes and it is scary. So we are in similar situations here. I suggest that whenever your brother in law is around you can put your daughter in your relative's house if that works for you. My brother also tried hitting tiny children.
I am happy that your wife didnt leave her brother despite his condition. I know it's hard but please don't ever leave him. Your wife has an unconditional love for his brother just like I have for mine. You're not the only one with this problem and hopefully soon we get a decent solution.


Just to add to my previous note about B12 and aggression - look at this.
This is an account of B12 deficiency in an old lady. She had low serum B12, but I would think a genetic inability to metabolise B12 - take it through the next steps in the system - would be likely to have the same impact, but would not necesssarily show up in serum levels of B12, which could be quite high. And only the sublingual methylB12 and sublingual methylfolate seem to help my son - some problem with absorption, obviously. It might not be a coincidence that my mother had dementia with delusions, paranoia, depression.


Benedetta, if your daughter reacts very badly to gas and air, then have you looked at the likelihood that she is B12 deficient? I read on the internet that those with problems metabolising B12 should not receive gas and air, and this striking reaction may be the clue you need. My ASD son's serum levels of B12 were surprisingly high, given he is vegetarian and restricted diet, well above the norm. It took years before I realised that could signal a problem metabolising B12 to the next stage, when I tried methyl-B12 and methyl-folate and they do seem to help. Dentists don't seem to be aware of these risks.


There was an article a few months ago in Mother Jones magazine { I'm not liking their ridiculous position on autism but nevertheless) about how taking lead out of gasoline lowered the violent crime rate in cities and how it could still be further lowered if we committed to cleaning up the problem completely in soil, etc.
Autism parents: chelation and saunas can lower violence. Heavy metal, mainly lead and mercury, can really irritate the brain and a cause an intolerable daily life. Anything that lowers the body burden of heavy metals and promotes detox can eventually help control violent behavior. It is not a quick fix unfortunately.

John Stone


When Autism Speaks announced the 1 in 38 the tone was disturbingly gleeful (rather than grave as you ought to have expected). The Goyang population screening project was being promoted as a model for the future and was likely addressed to their partners in the pharmaceutical industry looking for a captive population for their prospective products. The bottom line was that only 23.6% on the original screened positive cases stayed the course so the hidden narrative of project must have been a trail of bitterness and mistrust, and the statistical value of what was left very questionable.

I have posted it before but this is the letter I wrote to BMJ last year which has never been answered (note that Ring tookover from Dawson as Chief Scientific Officer of Autism Speaks in June this year):-

When Autism Becomes Good News, John Stone 5 June 2012

A particular concern is population screening projects for autism as a potential target group for newly developed psychiatric drugs.

A Time Magazine article last year [1] publicised a pilot screening project for autism, funded by US charity Autism Speaks, that had taken place in the Korean city of Goyang and apparently discovered an incidence among school children of 1 in 38. Lead author Dr Young Shin Kim was apparently not perturbed by the numbers:

“Kim stresses that the results of her study shouldn't alarm parents into thinking that autism has suddenly exploded in schools. "It doesn't mean there is an increase in new cases," she says. "We just didn't know how to find them and diagnose them. Now we know there are kids with social problems who are not being treated, and we know how to help them."”

Time reported:

“The researchers say they would expect to see similarly high rates of autism emerge in the U.S. and elsewhere if the same data collection strategy were used. "The kids picked up in Korea, many had never been recognized in medical records as having autism," says Geraldine Dawson, chief science officer for Autism Speaks. "That's what needs to be done, that kind of broad screening."”

However, the magazine did not report was that 67% of the screened-positive children seem to have pulled out before the study was completed [2]:

"For the 1,214 sampled screen-positive students, 869 parents (72%) consented to participate in the full assessment. Of these, 286 (33%) completed full assessments. Of those who completed the assessment, 201 (70%) were confirmed to have ASDs (autistic disorder, N=101; other ASDs, N=100), yielding a crude prevalence for any ASD of 0.36% (autistic disorder, 0.18%; other ASDs, 0.18%)."

What the report also did not disclose was that appointment that very same week of Robert H Ring to Autism Speaks:

"Robert H. Ring, previously a Pfizer senior director, will join Autism Speaks in Princeton, N.J., on June 1 in the newly created position of vice president of translational research. His focus will be on helping move drug experimentation from laboratories to clinical trials, "with the goal of improving outcomes for individuals with autism spectrum disorders," according to the nonprofit organization." [3]

While still at Pfizer Ring stated:

“This is a real opportunity to really make a difference for a huge unmet need using expertise we’ve acquired over a number of years. In fact we’re working right now to build a pre-competitive consortium amongst our competitors, including Lilly, Roche, Novartis, Janssen, and trying to agree that this is an important population to be developing medicines for…” [4]

This led to an announcement of a partnership between Autism Speaks, Roche and King's College, London earlier this year [5].

[1] Alice Park, 'South Korean Study Suggests Rate of Autism May Be Underestimated'

[2] Kim YS, Leventhal BL, Koh YJ, Fombonne E, Laska E, Lim EC, Cheon KA, Kim SJ, Kim YK, Lee H, Song DH, Grinker RR., 'Prevalence of autism spectrum disorders in a total population sample.' Am J Psychiatry. 2011 Sep;168(9):904-12. Epub 2011 May 9.

[3] Lee Howard, 'Past Pfizer autism unit chief to join major advocacy group
By Lee Howard' 12 May 2011,

[4] Pfizer News, 'Autism research unit at Pfizer to address autism spectrum disorders'

[5] 'Unprecedented Academic-Industry Collaboration Seeks New Drugs and Novel Treatments for Autism',

Competing interests: Autistic son


John Stone;
I see what you mean -- autism is so common do we need anyone making us aware.

Now what is this about Autism Speaks cooking the books?
Is there not 1 out of 38 in Korea with Autism?

chantal sicile-kira

With Jeremy, who is 24, the only times he has been aggressive is when he is having PTSD. If he is having a flashback (and we can tell because his eye pupils change) he will strike out at anyone or anything that is close by till it is over. It is impossible to stop a flashback - it is visual and real to people and they think they are being attacked again/still.
This is a result of sexual abuse he suffered (outside the home).

The PTSD is more present when he is anxious, nervous or depressed. Or when he is greatly disappointed by people he came to trust. Also, if he has a support staff person that he feels could not 'protect him' in case of a 'bad boy' approaching him.

I have been told this is common in ASD. Many of our loved ones have been traumatized - and it does not have to be sexual or physical abuse - it can be emotional abuse - sitting in classrooms hearing negative things said about oneself by school staff , or in homes by relatives or etc.

I would ask Jeremy to comment if he didn't have the flu. He has written a bit about this.

It is awful to see your loved ones go through this and it is a major life concern. There is not enough attention paid to the abuse adn trauma our kids go thru, no matter the age.

Shell Tzorfas

There are way more violent kids with Autism than the media has lead us to believe. There are reasons why these kids are violent. They are in tremendous Physical pain. I devoted a large section of my book to this. How to figure out what type of pain, how to alleviate it.. What steps to take, how to observe the reaction to the steps and how to ask "What's Next?" When you see these kids throwing themselves over a chair it is often gut pain. When they are OK one moment and explosive the next it is caused by food intolerances usually fake number dyes like Red#5, fake Caramel. Sometimes it is from what they ingested yesterday. Shell of "Recovering Autism, ADHD, & Special Needs."

L Land

"Bernie Marcus .... started out a pharmacist"
That's explains so much!
I've always wondered why his "center" is so worthless.

When my son gets, um physical, it usually can be traced to something physically wrong but it can be almost impossible to figure out especically since doctors are generally no help


'I was terrified to reveal my autism': Daryl Hannah opens up about her struggle to manage her disorder in Hollywood

By Amelia Proud

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