Friday, July 25, 2008

The P-Philes: I Do Believe

Welcome, you're reading the Peverett Phile, the web's most updated blog. I am your host, Box Molder. I was supposed to go see the new X-Files movie today, but Jen went to get her hair done, and then we went to Chili's where I got my mouth slashed open like the Joker's by my beer mug. Actually, it was just a little cut, but we got our dinner comped. By the way, next time you eat at Chili's you have to try the Quesidila explosion sald, or whatever it was called. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi referred to President Bush's time in office as “a total failure.” Bush defended himself, saying, “Oh come on, I hardly spent any time in my office." The government of Cuba announced today that by the year 2010 Cuba will have high-speed Internet service. Not only that, by 2011 Cuba will have a computer. According to a new report, Americans are fatter than ever with 25 percent of Americans now classified as obese. Doctors compiled the report by going to the mall and looking around. The Walt Disney Corporation announced that it is going to build a Disneyland in mainland China. Apparently it will be the first Disneyland built for children by children. Important celebrity news: Sarah Jessica Parker had a mole removed. To be fair, the mole is saying it had Sarah Jessica Parker removed. There’s a new interview out with Jessica Alba. She explains why her baby girl is named Honor. A lot of celebrities name their baby after where the baby was conceived. Honor is named Honor because Jessica was “on her” back when she was conceived. John McCain is saying Obama’s trip to Iraq is a publicity stunt. I’m getting sick of all this mudslinging — I’ve got a solution that will make everyone happy: President Batman. New pictures of Britney Spears have emerged . . . holding a pack of cigarettes while her son, Sean Preston, has a lighter in his hand. At least they’re spending quality time together. A lot of moms don’t make time to smoke with their kids. I'll give anything to hold her lighter, if you know what I'm saying. Hurricane Dolly made landfall in Texas. I know there are only so many names to choose from, but how are we supposed to take a hurricane named “Dolly” seriously? 


Top Ten Signs You're Having a Bad Summer Vacation
10. That 8-foot mouse you saw wasn't at a theme park
9. You're staying at a resort billed as "The Cancun of New Jersey"
8. Instead of time off, boss institutes a "Take Your Speedo To Work" day
7. Your airline asks you to bring your own fuel
6. Your suntan oil costs $140 a bottle
5. Lifeguards attempt to push you back into the ocean thinking that you are a beached whale
4. You went to Disneyland but your hotel is in New Jersey
3. Due to the bad economy, summer has been downsized and outsourced to India
2. Your stimulus check bounces
And the number one sign you're hsving a bad summer vacation is...
1. Your summer fling is with Barbara Walters


Estelle Getty: It's about time we buried a Golden Girl.


Margaret Zelle, also known as Mata Hari, is found guilty of spying and is sentenced to death. There is no actual evidence that she is a spy.
Rock Hudson acknowledges he has AIDS.
At a baseball game, actress Rosanne Arnold warbles the Star Spangled Banner, grabs her crotch, and endears herself to an entire nation.
Woodstock '99 festival ends in looting and rioting, leaving 12 trailers burned, towers toppled, and several women raped during the course of the show. About 500 state troopers were needed to quell the mass uprising of peace and love, apparently triggered by overpriced vendors and commercialization.
A right tire explosion on the Concorde causes the plane to crash after takeoff from Charles de Gaulle Airport in Paris, leaving 113 dead. It is the first crash in Concorde's history, and the only supersonic commercial flight to ever crash.


Plenty of people know George Washington as the father of our country, but few people know, (and this is, perhaps, more important), just how similar he was in behavior to the Incredible Hulk. Stay with me. As described by Thomas Jefferson, George Washington "was naturally irritable" and when his temper "broke its bonds, he was most tremendous in his wrath." One time, in fact, he became "much inflamed [and] got into one of those passions when he cannot command himself." Witnesses agreed that, after these sudden bursts of rage, Washington generally became calm and amiable again. Sound like anyone you know? Anyone, incredible, perhaps? (It's the Incredible Hulk.) The Iroquois Indians affectionately nicknamed Washington "Caunotaucarius," which translates to either "Town Destroyer" or "Devourer of Villages." I was really hoping it translated to "One Who, (When Angry), You Will Not Like" so I'd have more evidence for this whole Incredible Hulk thing, but "Town Destroyer" is pretty cool too, I guess. Washington wasn't just a shirt-ripping comic book character waiting to happen, he was also an amazing general and, possibly, totally invincible. Washington was always at the frontlines in any of the many battles he took part in and there are countless stories of Washington returning from battle with bullet holes in his uniform, or without a horse, (it having been shot from under him), but he always remained unharmed. As a general, he believed, (like the always-screaming Leonidas), in the strength of small numbers. Typically both a loner and rebel, Washington preferred a small band of dedicated warriors over large armies any day of the week and he won plenty of battles when the odds were decidedly not in his favor. He once wrote that "Discipline is the soul of an army. It makes small numbers formidable; procures success to the weak, and esteem to all." Though that isn't quite as catchy as "This is Sparta!" you'll have to agree that it's slightly more eloquent and certainly more recyclable, as it is more applicable to situations that may not explicitly involve Sparta. Greatest Display of Badassedry: Making America. Most Badass Quote: After another tough battle where Washington was miraculously not wounded, he wrote a letter to his brother detailing his experiences. He described being surrounded by bullets and death and concluded by saying "I heard the bullets whistle and, believe me, there is something charming to the sound of bullets." When he caught news of this, King George III reportedly remarked thatWashington's attitude would change if he'd heard a few more. But King George III didn't win the war, so fuck him.


With this episode, Donna has become my favorite "Doctor Who" companion of all time. Yes, better than Sarah Jane. Yes, better than Rose (who finally reappears as a person and not in a cameo or on a video screen). I love her quick temper yet human personality (it's reminiscent of Rose's mother from the first two seasons), which makes sense since this episode is about the Doctor's adventures from the human perspective.
The Doctor and Donna land on a planetary Chinatown. While the Doctor negotiates with salespeople, Donna is invited to get her fortune read for free. While in the fortune-teller's hut, the woman distracts Donna as a beetle-like creature climbs on her back. By whatever power the beetle has, Donna's personal history is changed so that she turns left instead of right on a critical moment in her life. In this alternate history, she never takes the job at H.C. Clements and never meets the Doctor. It's amazing that such a good episode can be created that is mostly Doctor-less. It does kind of balance out last week's Donna-less episode (both were filmed at the same time), However, in retrospect, some of the best "Doctor Who" episodes of the new series didn't include the main character very much. Most notably the episode "Blink". By having Donna not meet the Doctor in the new timeline, the slaughter begins. This is virtually guaranteed in any alternate history. Why aren't any alternate histories happy? For that matter, why couldn't the Doctor regenerate when he was killed fighting the Racnoss Queen in the alternate history? Did he decide to commit suicide out of loneliness (he wouldn't have had a companion at the time). I would have liked it if Sarah Jane had shown up in the original "Smith and Jones" episode to better explain her death in it. It does make more sense that the Torchwood team gets involved (and subsequently killed and/or kidnapped) during the Sontaran invasion when the Doctor isn't around. The second-stringers are called up to bat. This is the first time the series so blatantly acknowledges its own spin-offs (okay, Torchwood was already acknowledged but you didn't really hear about the team's missions). It's a Russell T. Davies creation love-fest. The beetle creature that created the alternate timeline is even part of "The Trickster's Brigade", the Trickster being a character that has appeared in The Sarah Jane Adventures. It is a frightening moment when London is destroyed by the falling Titanic replica, sending Great Britain into economic chaos. I liked how Davies' and company acknowledges mankind's tendency to cannibalize itself in hard times when the Italian family that the Nobles are staying with are sent to a work camp. The United States is rendered helpless due to a chunk of the population turning into the fat creatures of "Partners In Crime". Given the obesity epidemic within that country, you'd think the Adipose would have gone there first. As a bit of foreshadowing, Donna's grandfather sees in his telescope that all the stars are going out in the sky. The disappearing bees are also mentioned again. As mentioned, Billie Piper returns reprising her role of Rose Tyler. She is searching the parallel worlds for the Doctor because a great darkness is coming. She seems to have regained her first-season look and has some sort of issue with her teeth (they seemed to stick out a little more, like she just had dental work). In this episode, she acts a lot like the Doctor and has seems to take on his role. It is kind of strange that she's back, given that the parallel world she went to was cut off, but that's acknowledged in the episode and will hopefully be explained more in the future. I like how they revisit the Bad Wolf motif from the first season. As its core, this episode is an analysis of Donna. Her lack of self-esteem is analyzed ("I'm just a temp" she says) and her reasons for wanting a more adventurous life with the Doctor. Also acknowledged is the similarity between this episodes' alternate universe theme with the recent one in "Forest of the Dead". Davies seems to be setting up Donna to play a major role in the Doctor's life. I wonder what that role is? Parallel world/alternate history stories are always fun. As with last week's episode, the writing of this episode worked more with Russell T. Davies' strengths, which are more about people and emotion and less about the science-fiction aspect of the show. This season has had some really good episodes and this one has become one of my favorites.


The first giganto film of the summer has been given a DVD release date, according to Video Business, and if all goes accordingly it looks like you'll be able to enjoy Iron Man in the comforts of your own living room (legally) on September 30. There's no word on special features yet, however Amazon now allows you to pre-order three different versions, including your standard single-disc ($34.99), a two-disc special edition ($39.99) and a Blu-ray Special Collector's Edition ($39.99). (Note: Those are the list prices and each DVD is cheaper through Amazon.) The article also says to expect Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull to hit DVD in October with Kung Fu Panda in November. One imagines (and hopes) Hancock, WALL-E and The Dark Knight will all hit DVD by Christmas as well. So, who's buying this DVD?

There you go, Phans, the latest entry. The next update will be posted next Friday. Until then, spread the word, not the turd.


Friday, July 18, 2008

You Can't Have Manslaughter Without Laughter

You're reading the Phile, I am your host, the Dork Knight. On Fox News, Jesse Jackson was caught saying he wants to cut Barack Obama’s nuts off. This marks the nicest thing ever said about Barack Obama on Fox News. Jesse Jackson has said he is trying to apologize to Barack Obama, but Barack Obama has not taken his calls. Apparently, Jackson is so mad that Barack won’t take his calls, he’s once again threatened to cut his nuts off. John McCain also in the news. At a campaign event, McCain refused to answer any questions about Viagra. Mainly because all the Viagra questions came from his wife, Cindy. Presidential candidate Ralph Nader said that this November, he expects to be on the ballot in at least 45 states. Nader’s exact quote was, “I hope to screw things up in at least 45 states.” The New York Times once again raised the issue that John McCain may not be eligible to be president because he’s not a natural born U.S. citizen. Apparently, McCain was born outside the 13 colonies. Jesse Jackson says he’s trying to put his remarks about Barack Obama behind him. He says Obama has forgiven him. Obama says he’ll appoint Jesse Jackson secretary of nut cutting. Barack Obama this week was endorsed by the U.S. Black Golfers Association. Not only that, Obama was also endorsed by the Association of Asian Hockey Players. Hillary appeared at fundraiser with Barack Obama, and Obama told the crowd, “Hillary rocks.” Then Bill Clinton said the same thing, but he was talking about Hilary Duff. Angelina Jolie gave birth to twins over the weekend. Everybody’s healthy; everybody’s happy. Then you know what happened? Angelina adopted them. Angelina’s going to unveil her twins next week . . . no, wait a minute — that’s Pamela Anderson. Vice President Dick Cheney had his annual checkup. It went well — during the checkup he only had three heart attacks. During the procedure he waterboarded a nurse. President Bush announced he is lifting the executive ban on offshore drilling. The president made the announcement during a speech entitled “Eh, What the Hell.” A European brewery has purchased Anheuser-Busch, the makers of Budweiser, for $52billion. Which is a shame because if they had waited until happy hour they could have paid half that. This week Starbucks is unveiling a new drink called a Vivanno. Apparently Vivanno is the Italian word for “You just wasted $8.” Now here’s something I find puzzling and delightful: there’s a magazine, Playboy magazine – you know Playboy magazine? And every now and then, the magazine will go into a small town, small community and get a bunch of young ladies and talk them into undressing. And then they take their pictures and they put them in the magazine and it just sells like hotcakes. Well, they've done the same thing with the waitress staff at Olive Garden. Anybody ever eaten at the Olive Garden? Yeah, I know. Six Olive Garden waitresses have posed naked for the Playboy magazine. I’m thinking, come on, really? I mean, when I’m in Olive Garden, I have trouble getting extra bread sticks. I’ve seen the photos and I want to tell you something, these Olive Garden waitresses are just like the food – they’re hot and cheap. By the way, during that last joke, Brett Favre came out of retirement and then retired again. Comedian Bernie Mac performed at a recent Democratic fundraiser – and afterwards, Barack Obama told him to clean up his act because some of his jokes were about sex and prostitutes. Unfortunately, Bernie Mac couldn’t hear Obama’s advice – because Bill Clinton kept screaming ‘ENCORE!’ In a recent interview, the wife of Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez is claiming that he tapped her phone. In response, A-Rod said, ‘I didn’t tap her phone, I tapped Madonna.’ A school principal in Mount Vernon, New York, because he was caught having sex in public with another man. The cop said he arrested the man because he was literally Mounting Vernon. A woman in Florida is being charged with assault because she attacked her boyfriend with a toilet seat after she caught him smoking crack in the bathroom. Florida police say that otherwise it was business as usual at Shady Pines Retirement Village. Ben & Jerry’s has named an ice cream flavor after Elton John. It’s true. It’s called Goodbye Yellow Brick Road. It’s rich and fruity.
And it puts pounds on your ass. The guy from "CSI", Bill Peterson, is retiring. I like "CSI" — sexy cops chasing sexy criminals . . . not at all like real cops. Real cops is like the show “Cops.” Not sexy at all. Some guy chasing another guy gets caught with crack . . . then he’s screaming, “It’s not mine! It’s Lindsay Lohan’s.” Larry King announced that he’s going to write an autobiography titled ‘What Am I Doing Here?’ Larry says that if the book sells, he’s got plans for several sequels including, ‘What Day is This?’ and ‘Where Are My Pants?’ In a speech, the Pope said that the world’s resources are being squandered because of insatiable consumption. Then the Pope put down his jewel encrusted staff, got into his Popemobile, and sped off to the Vatican Palace. The other night was big Billy Joel concert at NY’s dilapidated Shea Stadium. Before they close it down they wanted to have one last Billy Joel concert. That thing’s old and disgusting. It reeks of stale beer. The stadium is even worse. There's a new movie out called The Ruins.
Which is what I call my toilet after I take a dump.


Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor is Batman
10. Always complaining about his "rubber suit rash"
9. When you mention Superman, he rolls his eyes and mutters, "pantywaist"
8. His teen son drove to the prom in the Batmobile
7. Is re-roofing his house to fix loose shingles and grappling hook damage
6. Who's banging on his door at 4 AM but an angry, knocked-up Catwoman
5. Introduces his parents--Carl and Linda Batman
4. You hear him on the phone asking J. Crew if they carry seersucker cowls
3. On Thanksgiving, you see green lantern holding a JELL-O mold
2. When he goes on vacation, asks if you'll water his plants and grease his bat pole
And the number one sign Batman is your neighbor...
1. He's a recluse in a weird outfit with a young sidekick ( Sorry, that's a sign your neighbor is Michael Jackson)


Nero fiddles while Rome burns.
After having imprisoned and ransomed 3,000 of them in 1287, King Edward I issues an edict expelling all Jews from England. The nation's Jewry, which financed the crusade against the Saracens, had by this time outlived their usefulness as bankers and were given until the end of October to emigrate.
At the end of Vatican I, Catholic popes are proclaimed infallible by chapter four of the papal bull Pastor Aeternus. His declarations on matters of faith are protected from error by the Holy Spirit. In a nutshell: whatever he says, goes. This is an interesting doctrine, considering how often St. Peter is himself contradicted by the Gospels.
Max Amann publishes Mein Kampf ("My Struggle"), the book Adolf Hitler had dictated while under house arrest. The work happens to be just as tedious as its original title, Four and Half Years of Struggle against Lies, Stupidity, and Cowardice.
In Los Angeles, the beaten corpse of Bobby Fuller is found sprawled across the front seat of his mother's Oldsmobile. Fuller, whose band The Bobby Fuller Four released the hit "I Fought The Law," is found to have died from "forced inhalation of gasoline." Technically, Fuller died from huffing... although circumstances point to murder.
Driving home from a party on Chappaquiddick Island, Senator Ted Kennedy's car goes over the side of Dike Bridge and flips over into a pond. Kennedy manages to free himself from the automobile, but his passenger, one Mary Jo Kopechne, drowns. For some reason, Kennedy tells no one about the accident for at least an hour, and waits until the following morning to notify local police.
James Oliver Huberty walks into a crowded McDonald's restaurant in San Ysidro, California and starts shooting. Carrying an Uzi carbine, a 12-gauge shotgun, and a Browning 9mm pistol, Huberty guns down 40 people. 21 of them, mostly children, die from their wounds. A San Diego police sniper finally solves the situation more than an hour later. Ultimately, the McDonald's Corporation opts to bulldoze the franchise and build a community park there.
Movie actor and wannabe boxer Mickey Rourke is arrested for beating his wife. The charges are later dismissed.
Rock and Roll performer / heroin addict Nico wipes out on her bicycle on Ibiza and dies from a brain hemorrage combined with a lack of medical treatment.


Michael DeBakey: He was, like, a doctor, right?
Bobby Murcer: The only good Yankee is a dead Yankee.
Tony Snow: It's like Christmas in July!


I don't know when but: The Simpsons is heading back to the big screen - creator Matt Groening has confirmed a sequel to last year's hit movie. The animated comedy went feature-length for the first time, and became a box office smash with earnings of more than 250 million worldwide. So Groening is returning to Springfield for a follow-up - but he warns fans they have a long wait ahead, as the first film took four years to make. He says, "It will happen at some point, but I have no idea when. The first one took us four years - mainly because we don't like to work any harder than we usually do." Last year marked the 20th anniversary of the Emmy Award-winning animated franchise.


Now that Batman (Christian Bale) has finished beginning, Gotham should be as criminal-friendly as McGruff's biscuit box, right? Too bad a new menace called The Joker (Heath Ledger) has a plan to bring some explosive and murderous anarchy into the lives of Bats, his cohort Jim Gordon (Gary Oldman), and Gotham's new firebrand District Attorney, Harvey Dent (Aaron Eckhart). Not to put too fine a point on it, but comic book movies finally have their Godfather. Batman's world is expanded and Gotham's threat level significantly elevated without the movie ever losing sight of its hero and his reasons for being (something the other Batman movies never achieved). And trust us when we say the threat is elevated—Ledger's Joker is the walking, talking, cackling embodiment of pure terror, and his performance is every bit as good as you've heard. This is a bleak, almost tragic movie that still has "holy shit, that's cool" moments—in other words: Best. Movie. Of. The. Summer. The bad news is our summer is officially over. Nothing else will come close to this. I give it a ten plus, and I willget it the day it comes out on DVD!!!


John Quincy Adams is, hands down, one of the most God awful ugly-assed presidents in American history but, well, the Predator was pretty hideous too, and no one will deny that he still kicks a fairly serious amount of ass. Also like the Predator, Adams was known as a shrewd negotiator and a strong advocate of outdoor boning. But I'll get to that a little bit later. With his father away from home most of the time busying himself with the rebel cause, Adams, at age eight, was the man of the house. As if ensuring the safety and prosperity of an entire house before you even hit puberty isn't daunting enough, Adams had to do it all during a fucking war. He, in fact, often talked about watching the battle of Bunker Hill from his front porch, constantly worried about being, as he wrote in his diary, "butchered in cold blood, or taken and hostages by any foraging or marauding detachment of British soldiers." Remember when you were eight and you worried about missing Pokemon? Yeah. If you're feeling, perhaps, a little wet right now, it's because the ghost of an eight year old John Quincy Adams is pissing all over you as you read this. Adams also maintained a strict, Rocky-like regiment of constant exercise that included a swift swim across the Potomac every morning. Even at 58 years old, Adams could reportedly swim the width of the Potomac in an hour. Also, the nudity; Adams famously exercised and swam nude, presumably, in case he ever came across some emergency that needed immediate boning while out exercising. Greatest Display of Badassedry: Also, since I'm talking about ridiculous things that JQA did that have nothing to do with being president, he kept a pet alligator in the East Wing of the White House. That actually probably came in handy for some of that shrewd negotiating I mentioned earlier. As for the outdoor boning? Well ... Most Badass Quote: "The art of making love, muffled up in furs, in the open air, with the thermometer at Zero, is a Yankee invention."It's not too clear, but it sounds like Adams genuinely believed Americans invented having sex outside, a discovery he no-doubt believed he himself pioneered.


Russell T. Davies proves me wrong...and right. I have said since the first season of "Doctor Who's" relaunch that the man can't write science fiction. I still believe that. But I never said he couldn't write. Actually, he's a very good writer in terms of writing about emotions and relationships (which is why we're introduced to each companion's family in the new series). Fortunately, this episode's writing plays more upon his strengths. The Doctor and Donna are visiting the planet Midnight, a crystalline planet which is located so close to its sun that exposure to the Xtonic radiation from it would vaporize any living thing in seconds. This is an example of Davies' inability to write sci-fi. Couldn't he have used a bit more of a basis in fact for Xtonic radiation rather than making something up? There are many radiations out there that can kill people. In a move that is very different than he has done in years past, the Doctor decides to travel alone (with a tour group, of course) to visit the Sapphire Waterfall while Donna chills out in the hotel (making the episode virtually Donna-less). While going on its three-hour tour (okay, it was four hours. I just wanted to use a "Gilligan's Island" theme), the ground shuttle is attacked by some sort of creature which rips open the front part, vaporizing the drivers, and seemingly possesses one of the passengers named Sky Silvestry (played by Lesley Sharp). While the remaining passengers wait for help to arrive, cabin fever sets in and they get a bit snarky with each other. Why does a creature than can rip open doors need to possess people? A brilliant maneuver plot-wise by Davies is having the monster in this episode be invisible, untouchable and having unknown goals, making it very dangerous. It only presents itself within Sky by first repeating the words of other passengers like a child's game, then saying them at the same time, then saying them in advance of the other person (apparently, this causes the particular person the creature focuses on to lose their individuality for whatever nefarious purpose it had in mind). Having the majority of the action take place in the shuttle must have also saved on the budget, much like last season's "Gridlock" (which took place in ships that looked remarkably similar to each other). This seemed more of a filler episode while Davies and company prepared the final trilogy of the season. Davies get us sympathetic with the few shuttle passengers by introducing us to all of them through the Doctor, making us feel for them more. Itamplifies the tragedy of the passengers having to throw Sky outside the ship and let her die to save the Doctor. Random thoughts: Rose makes a quick appearance on a video screen silently shouting for the Doctor. More foreshadowing. The character of Professor Hobbes is played by David Troughton, who is the son of the second actor to play the main character in Doctor Who, the late Patrick Troughton, This is not the first "Doctor Who" episode he has appeared in, having been in a few of his father's episodes and a few from the era of the third Doctor, Jon Pertwee. There is definitely a family resemblance. I wonder if they could have him back playing his father's role in some sort of multiple Doctor story? What with Georgia Moffett (daughter of fifth Doctor Peter Davison) appearing in "The Doctor's Daughter", this has been the season for seeing the Doctor's children. When I saw this episode, I thought of that old "Twilight Zone" episode in which William Shatner saw the creature on the wing of the plane while he was in flight. Same fundamental concept. This is the first time in the new series that the Doctor has been companion-less through the episode (the previous time before this was the Tom Baker episode "The Deadly Assassin"). Science fiction has always been about asking the question "what if?", and there are those writers who can ask or answer the question better than others. Russell T. Davies is not one of the better ones, but he can certainly write about people and this episode shows it.


One of the most wonderful things about geekdom on the Internet is how fast it sets to work. The Watchmen trailer hasn't even been out for 24 hours, and already folks are analyzing its every second -- with one dedicated fan comparing its frames to the panels of the original book. The hardworking one is Brad Brevet over at Rope of Silicon, and he really has done a great job. If you decide to look, and are unfamiliar with the source material, beware of spoilers. I will post pictures on the Peverett Phile Myspace page.
As he did with 300, Zack Snyder has really managed to bring the frames to life. His eye for this is uncanny. There are few comic book adaptations where one gets goosebumps, or jumps out of their seat and says "It looks just like the book!" Of course, Snyder has tweaked it -- he's changed the costumes, and he's given it his own style -- but it's still better than I ever thought it would be. Whether he brings the book to life is, of course, the million dollar question. I'm happy just being entertained by the possibility, though. For me personally, the money shots were the funeral, Jon being ripped apart into particles, and Archie the Owlship. Watchmen opens March 6th, 2009.

Well, that's it for this entry of the Phile. Next week's entry will be on Phriday. Until then, spread the word, not the turd. And as Whitney said, I will always love you.




Late Night with Conan O'Brien
Reporters assigned to Barack Obama say that this week Obama has been working out like crazy at a gym and he’s also been playing hours of basketball. Meanwhile, John McCain has joined a group of mall walkers.

Barack Obama is planning a trip to visit Iraq and several other Middle East countries. Obama says he’s excited about the trip – mainly because he’s looking forward to meeting other people named Barack Obama.

This week Ralph Nader announced that he is certified to be on the presidential ballot in 12 states. However, doctors say that Nader is certifiable in all 50 states.



The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It was revealed today that Barrack Obama has been secretly interviewing candidates for Vice President while he works out in the gym. Screening people at the gym can only mean one thing - our next VP, definitely not Al Gore.


Friday, July 11, 2008

At Least I'm Out Doing Things

Welcome, you're reading the Phile, it's not that complicated, Denise. I said I would update the Phile this Thursday, but technically it's Friday, even though I finished work late Thursday, and didn't go top sleep yet. But you're probbaly reading this on Friday. Boy, I'm confused. Over the Fourth of July, President Bush gave a speech at the home of former President Thomas Jefferson. There was an awkward moment when Bush said, “I’d like to salute both Thomas Jefferson and his wife Weezy.” The Democratic Convention is being held at a 20,000 seat arena in Denver, but Barack Obama has decided to give his acceptance speech at Denver’s 80,000 football stadium. Meanwhile, Ralph Nader will be giving his acceptance speech at a Foot Locker. China has announced that they’re shutting down several of their largest factories for the rest of the summer — so that there will be less pollution for the Olympics. Chinese officials say: “Sorry, but for the next few months, you’re going to have to buy your lead-coated toys somewhere else.” Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez and his wife Cynthia filed for divorce. And because New York is a community property state, Cynthia could end up with 268 career home runs. Barack Obama's campaign has announced they are going to hold an event at a NASCAR race. The event will be called, “Meet Your First Black Guy.” A 60-year-old woman was kicked out of a McCain rally for heckling him. Afterwards, McCain said, “I’m just not popular with young women.” Cuba announced they will send a rowing team to the Olympics. They started training last month and haven’t been seen since. In a new interview, 17-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears talks about her new baby and that she can’t wait to be a soccer mom. Actually Jamie Lynn is already a soccer mom because she’s the only mom on her high school’s soccer team. Did you see that new Will Smith movie Hancock? They should make a TV show based on it called "Hancock's Half Hour". Wait, that's been done. By the way, Hancock should not be confused with the porno movie Hand Cock. Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman had a baby girl. My wife Jen is plotting Logan to marry that kid right now.


Top Ten Dumb Guy Ways To Save Gas
10. Put it on theendangered species list
9. Push your car to work
8. Drive only at night
7. Drive in reverse until tank is refilled
6. Stop showing up for work every day
5. Only drive downhill
4. Take the wife's car
3. Fill the car with helium gas to make it lighter on the road
2. Try to be in Oprah's audience every day -- she's gotta be giving gas away soon
And the number one dumb guy way to save gas...
1. Take your wife and mistress out to dinner at the same time


Jesse Helms: Senator No Pulse.


Thieves have stolen a memorial stone for Ian Curtis, frontman of the influential British post-punk band Joy Division. The stone, bearing the epitaph “Love Will Tear Us Apart” — the title of the band’s most famous song — was taken from Macclesfield Crematorium in northern England on Monday or Tuesday, police said. Fans from all over the world would travel to the site to pay their respects, often leaving messages and tokens behind. A married man, Curtis committed suicide in 1980 at the age of 23, shortly before the band, an inspiration for many other groups and musicians, were due to begin a U.S. tour. He had struggled to deal with the demands of combining home life and being in the band, the strain of epilepsy and falling in love with another woman. His personal troubles were often reflected in dark, painful lyrics, which he wrote. “I’m shocked this has happened,” said Bill North of Macclesfield Borough Council. “Someone’s gone to a great deal of trouble to remove the memorial stone and I hope our appeal will help return it as soon as possible.” Curtis’s widow Debbie had been informed, the council said. “This is a very unusual theft and I am confident that someone locally will have knowledge about who is responsible or where the memorial stone is at present,” said police Inspector Gareth Woods. Curtis returned to prominence after two films about his life were released last year. After his death, the three other members of Joy Division went on to form the successful band New Order.


Inventor and electromechanical genius Nikola Tesla is born to Serbian parents in what is now Croatia.
Hailstones as heavy as two pounds kill 23 people in Rostov, Russia.
A herd of angry, startled elephants emerges from India's Chandka Forest, and tramples five villages, killing 24 inhabitants.
British customs officials in London open a large wooden crate marked "diplomatic baggage" because of its extremely odd odor. Inside they discover Alhaji Umaru Dikko, Nigeria's former Minister of Transport and Aviation. He had been abducted, drugged, and bound for Nigeria to face trial for embezzlement.
Greenpeace ship Rainbow Warrior is blown up by in Auckland Harbor, killing a photographer. After the New Zealand government determines that French secret agents were responsible, the French Defense Minister resigns and the agents are jailed.


John Hancock (Will Smith) is a guy with a Superman-like ability to stop speeding bullets and fly, but a Mel Gibson–like ability to drink heavily and be an asshole. Having lost the favor of the city he's trying to protect, Hancock encounters publicist Ray (Jason Bateman), who offers to give the superhero an image makeover, despite Ray's wife's (Charlize Theron) serious reservations. Hancock is a truly funny adult take on the superhero mythos. Peter Berg is one of the few directors who can handle comedy and action, and the movie is enjoyable, despite being tinged with a bit more sadness than advertised. There's a neat twist that, surprisingly, isn't telegraphed by the trailers. And, as always, Jason Bateman is hilarious. Will Smith is good, but he just doesn't convince as a loathsome hard-ass. It's Big Willie, kid-friendly A-lister! How could anyone call him an asshole? It's worth a trip to the theater, making Hancock the movie that may officially rank this summer as one of the "least sucky" of all time. From 1 to 10, I give it a 10. Logan also lovedit, as it had fights and swear words, and a guy with his head up another guys ass. Eight year olds love that kind of humor. 


Ultimately, this news probably comes as a surprise to no one -- but it certainly brings joy to many. Nikki Finke is reporting that Jon Favreau and Marvel have come to a deal, that he's signed for Iron Man 2, and that it's still on track for a 2010 release. It's still unofficial at this point, but given the enormous kerfluffle that arose at the very idea that he wasn't, I'd say Finke is probably spot on. (CHUD's Devin Faraci agrees, as he suspects Finke is a secret Marvel spokesperson.) And speaking of kerfluffle, it's amazing how much Internet bile has been spewed as a result of the negotiations. Finke threw a choice epithet Favreau's way for rushing to the Internet to "rile up the movie's many fans" when Marvel didn't make an offer fast enough. Now, I realize we're all on the outside looking in, but everyone thought Marvel was dragging their feet when it came to the director. I wouldn't accuse Favreau of whipping fanboys and girls into a frenzy. His MySpace post on the subject was calm and matter-of-fact -- we aren't talking Kanye West level of hysteria here. He remained professional, and didn't descend into name-calling. Way to rise above the fray, Ms. Finke. (And to add to the drama, IESB is angrily pointing out that they had this story weeks ago, straight from the mouth of Favreau at the Hellboy II premiere.) Can't we all just get along, applaud the news, and ponder where the sequel will go? I want to do that. That's way more fun. Let's save the anguish for wondering if they're really going to have Iron Man 2 done by 2010, and if so, whether or not it will feel like a rushed mess?


Nowadays, John F. Kennedy is remembered mostly for getting shot in the head which, while admittedly badass, barely makes the top ten of badass things he's ever done. Plagued with a bad back his entire life, Kennedy was disqualified from service in the army. Instead of using this as an excuse to pursue the decidedly more sane strategy of staying the fuck away from explody things, Kennedy had his dad pull a few strings so he could sneak his way into the navy, where he eventually became a lieutenant. Just to get some perspective, Bill Clinton dodged the draft, Grover Cleveland paid someone else to go in his place when he was drafted, but Kennedy beat the system by forcing his way into the navy. Once there he handled himself like a gravel eating shit-miner, instead of the rich Boston pretty boy he actually was. Today, he's got his own damned aircraft carrier named after him. The USS John F Kennedy can launch 80 planes and can single-handedly win a war with most countries on Earth.
Upon leaving the Navy, he took up boning on a near full-time basis. Sure, he dabbled in being a Senator and a President or whatever, but his full-time job was Pimping. In fact, if boning-your-girlfriend-right-in-front-of-you was a business, you can bet your cuckolded ass that Kennedy would have been its District Manager. While almost no two sources are in agreement as to just how much tail Kennedy snagged, historian John Richard Stephens says that "Kennedy confided with friends that he could only be satisfied with three women a day." It's amazing that, with all this boning, Kennedy didn't lose focus and make any colossal screw-ups while in office, and-...What? Bay of what? Moving on. JFK's sexual conquests allegedly include Marilyn Monroe, Audrey Hepburn, Jayne Mansfield, Angie Dickenson, Brazilian actress Florinda Bolkan, famous burlesque stripper, and rap name pioneer Blaze Starr. There are even rumors that he also had sex with his insanely hot wife once in a while too. Greatest Display of Badassedry: In August of 1943, while serving as skipper of the PT-109, Kennedy's boat was ripped in two by the Japanese destroyer Amagiri. Kennedy and his crew were tossed into the water and surrounded by flames. Kennedy, despite a chronic back injury and an even more chronic boning-induced-exhaustion, managed to swim four hours to safety while towing an injured crewman by the life jacket strap with his teeth. His fucking teeth! Most Badass Quote: "Jack could be shameless in his sexuality, simply pull girls' dresses up and so forth. He would corner them at White House dinner parties and ask them to step into the next room away from the noise, where they could hold a 'serious discussion.'" That quote comes from Kennedy's closest friend, Lem Billings. For proof that you will never be as badass and pimpsational as Kennedy, go ahead and try that "Hey baby, let's go have a serious discussion" line on any girl and then come back and tell us how much sex you didn't have.


Well, there you go, phans. Another entry of the Phile. Next week's entry will be on Phriday. I still want to hit 5000 views by Thanksgiving, so spread the word, not the turd. I will leave you with another quote from George Carlin. Until next week... When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Election '08: Incompetence Vs. Incontinence

Happy Birthday, America, if you were a chick I'll do you... and take you out to dinner. Not fastfood, but something ncie, like Bennigans. Tomorrow, phriends, is July 4th. Independence Day. If you're British like me, you probably won't give a shit. I’m already trying to figure out which figure to blow off. It’s the last weekend in California to drive and talk on the cell phone without a headset. Starting Tuesday, if you’re caught talking on the phone without a hands-free device, you get hit with a $20 fine. So they are not screwing around. That’s almost an eighth of a tank of gas. Next month all the hookers in New York leave for Minneapolis for the Republican Convention. Sen. Larry Craig has already booked his airport restroom. Anyway, I don't have much of a monlogue, so here are a bunch of July 4th jokes.


Q: Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington? A: Because the horse was too heavy to carry!
Q: What do you call a parade of German mercenaries?
A: A Hessian procession!
Q: What would you get if you crossed a patriot with a small curly-haired dog? A: Yankee Poodle!
Q: Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell? A: Yeah, it cracked me up!
Q: What would you get if you crossed George Washington with cattle feed? A: The Fodder of Our Country!
Q: What's red, white, blue, and almost as ugly as a dog? A: A revolutionary warthog!


From the home office in sunny Groveland, Florida, here is this week's top ten list:
Top Ten Surprising Facts About Cindy McCain
10. Keeps slim by wrasslin' gators
9. Spends half her day reminding John to take his pills
8. She designs and builds custom made choppers
7. Once at Bloomingdale's, got into a fistfight with Hillary over a pantsuit
6. Each time Tiger Woods winced in pain, she muttered, "Suck it up, princess"
5. Other men she finds sexy: John Adams, Beethoven, Me
4. Wrote hit song "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" while visiting family (sorry -- that's surprising facts about Cyndi Lauper)
3. Ringtone: (Shake Your) Moneymaker
2. Can dead-lift a full keg of beer
And the number one surprising fact about Cindy McCain...
1. After guesting on "The View," claims Barbara Walters hit on her


Russian troops kill 6,000 in Odessa to break a general strike.
Jim Morrison is found dead of an apparent heart attack in his Paris apartment bathtub. That's what he wants us to think, anyway.
Vladimir Nikolayev is sentenced to death for killing and eating two people in Novocheboksary, Chuvashia. When police arrested Nikolayev the previous year, they found human meat roasting on the stove, more in the oven, and body parts stashed on his balcony packed in snow.
Mistaking it for a F-14 fighter plane, the American warship USS Vincennes shoots down Iran Air flight 655, killing all 290 people aboard. Despite his country's having recklessly downed a passenger airliner while operating inside Iran's territorial waters, Vice President George Bush declares a month later: "I will never apologize for the United States of America, ever. I don't care what the facts are."
Television actor Jim Backus, known to millions as Thurston Howell III from "Gilligan's Island", dies in Los Angeles of Parkinson's disease.

And now a new pheature called...


When the 1828 election rolled around, a lot of people were terrified when they heard Andrew "Old Hickory" Jackson was running. If you're wondering how a guy I am calling a bad ass got such a lame nickname, it's because heused to carry a hickory cane around and beat people senseless with it, and if you're wondering why he did that, it's because he was a fucking lunatic. Former Democratic Senator and Secretary of the Treasurey Albert Gallatin feared a Jackson presidency because of his "habitual disregard of laws and constitutional provisions." Or in other words, the man was a loose canon--17th Century Washigton's answer to Martin Riggs. Sure, he probably didn't have an irate black lieutenant to answer to, or a weary partner who was too old for this shit, but he most certainly had a death wish. How do we know? Well, despite everyone's best efforts, Jackson was elected to the top office, and when he wasn't busy shaping the Presidency as we know it today, you could find him out back dueling. In case you haven't been to the 18th century lately, this unmanly sounding activity actually involves standing across from an armed man and shooting at him while he in turn shoots at you. The number of duels that Jackson took part in varies depending on what source you consult; some say 13, while others rank the number somewhere in the 100's, both of which are entirely too many times for a reasonable human being to stand in front of someone who is strying to kill them with a loaded gun. On one occasion, he challenged a man named Charles Dickinson to a duel, (the reason behind it wasn't important, not to us and certainly not to Jackson), and Jackson was even kind enough to give Dickinson the first shot. I'm gonna go ahead and repeat that: In a duel with pistols, Jackson politely volunteers to be shot at first. Dickinson happily obliged and shot Jackson, who proceeded to shake it off like it was a bee sting. When Jackson returned the favor, Dickinson was not so lucky, and that's why his face isn't on the twenty. The bullet, by the by, remained in Jackson's body for 19 years because, I assume, Jackson knew that time spent removing the bullets would just fall under the general category of "time not dueling," Jackson's least favorite category. Greatest Display of Badassedry: Andrew Jackson was the first president on whom an assassination attempt was made. A man named Richard Lawrence approached Jackson with two pistols both of which, for some reason, misfired. With the possibility of an assassination taken off the table, Jackson proceeded to beat Lawrence near death with his cane until Jackson's aides pulled him off the assassin. The guns were inspected afterwards and it was discovered that theywere in perfect working order, leading some historians to believe that it was an odds-defying "miracle" that Jackson survived, while we're pretty sure that the bullets, like everyone else, were simply scared of Jackson. Most Badass Quote: "I have only two regrets: I didn't shoot Henry Clay and I didn't hang John C. Calhoun." That's right. In a life rich with murdering people for little-to-no reason, Jackson's only regret was that he didn't kill quite enough people. People like Calhoun who, it should be noted, was Jackson's vice president.


Wesley Gibson (James McAvoy) is an all-around loser: awful job, low self-esteem, a "best friend" who's screwing his girlfriend. But that all changes when Wes learns that his father was a highly trained assassin who passed his skills down genetically, and it's time for Wes to join his old man's comrades in a shady organization known as The Fraternity. I'm sick of watching our once-kick-ass action heroes getting their balls snipped off with PG-13 scissors (looking at you, John McClane), so Wanted's unabashed, over-the-top violence is refreshing. It's also funny, stylish, and totally entertaining. People will complain that it's too violent and unrealistic, but they are completely missing the point. The mythology behind The Fraternity is needlessly convoluted, involving mystic looms (yes, mystic looms), secret codes, and random monks. Why can't they just be killers for hire, and that's that? I can't say I've ever heard Morgan Freeman shout, "Shoot this motherfucker!" Nice, Morgan. No reason why Sam Jackson has to own the monopoly. From 1 to 10, it gets a 9. Go see it!


In the last episode, the Doctor and Donna were trapped on a planetary repository of books called The Library along with a archaeological team and a microscopic, carnivorous species that hides in the shadows called the Vashta Narada. And somehow, all this is linked to a little girl who seems to be watching the events within the Library the same as the viewer. And now, part two. Steven Moffat delivers in his Herculean task of writing a second part of a fantastic episode that is every bit as good as the first part. We learn that the little girl is actually the planetary database called CAL (patterned after a little girl named Charlotte Abigail Lux), who managed to save the 4,022 survivors of the Vashta Nerada invasion as data in an enormous hard drive. The same fate had befallen Donna at the end of the last episode. There were a few very interesting aspects of this episode that really struck me. The first was River Song's relationship-to-be with the Doctor. Since they "initially" meet in her past, the actress will have to appear younger to pull it off properly. Or perhaps the whole "time is always in flux" concept in "Doctor Who" will reign supreme and timelines will change to prevent the whole thing from happening. Or, they'll just forget about it (just like it's been forgotten that some day the Doctor will have to become Merlin). Second, we got to see Donna live her dream. It seems that for all her wishes for travel and excitement, her true heart's desire is to settle down with a nice man and have a family (wearing the exact same wedding dress from her first appearance, apparently). It's a lifestyle choice that seems to be downplayed in the Who-niverse as a valid alternative. I hope she achieves it at the end of her character arc. Third, why do the Vashta Narada have to eat? They survived a hundred years without anything to feast on, yet they consume like zombies on the rampage once fresh flesh shows up. My guess is that they don't consume for nutrition but rather to learn. Essentially, rather than reading or writing or listening or watching to learn, they consume and absorb the knowledge. It would certainly fit into the library theme of the episode. It would have also made it extra-important that they did not eat the Doctor. Wasn't that a great bluff at the end? The Vashta Narada had the Doctor dead to rights, and his reputation saved him. Apparently, from eating all those people, the Vashta Narada learned to browse the Internet without even requiring a computer. I loved how Charlotte reacted with her head in a pillow when the deformed face of Miss Evangelista was shown. It's exactly the sort of reaction that "Doctor Who" monsters always got out of children. In effect, we're watching a child watch an episode of the show. That's utter brilliance. The theme of the Doctor's true name is once again revisited. I hope the current and future producers of the show don't do anything as stupid as reveal the Doctor's real name. That would be the final nail in the coffin regarding the character's mystique. Exactly how is it saving a life (or group of lives) when you turn them into electronic impulses in a virtual reality machine? Beats the alternative, I suppose. In CAL's home there was a picture of a blond girl with a wolf next to it. A little more foreshadowing.
River Song could still return, and not just as a prequel. She just needs a new body.
Here's what we have. A frightening enemy. A sinister mystery. A possible flame for the Doctor. An excellent episode.


Mark Millar is becoming a real Hollywood insider these days, a Frank Miller in training. He dropped quite an intriguing bombshell to Scotland's Daily Record -- claiming that there's a Superman movie revamp on the way. While some of his claims could be dismissed as wishful thinking by a man who merely wants to fulfill his Kryptonian dreams, he's certainly talking it out with someone. Says Millar, "I've been planning this my entire life. I've got my director and producer set up, and it'll be 2011. This is how far ahead you have to think. The Superman brand is toxic after that last movie lost 200 million, but in 2011 we're hoping to restart it. Sadly I can't say who the director is, but we may make it official by Christmas. But fingers crossed it could work out, that would be my lifetime's dream." Now, this flies directly in the face of Bryan Singer confirming he was attached to the sequel. But there's been a peculiar lack of progress with it. He's obviously busy with Valkyrie, but when you look at how quickly the Iron Man and Spider-Man franchises are moving, well, someone's not moving faster than a speeding bullet anymore. Could Warner Bros really be open to rebooting the franchise? The parallels between Ang Lee's Hulk and Bryan Singer's Superman Returns are striking, and I can honestly see the studio choosing a similarly clean slate. But they would be ditching a pretty expensive investment in Returns, and creating quite a controversy in the process. Far more people loved Superman Returns than Hulk, and Singer commands a lot of geek cred.

There, kids, the latest entry of the Phile. Next week's entry will be on Thursday as well. You might of noticed in the last few week's the Phile is slowly changing. No more Movie Buzz for one thing. I thought it was redundant to have Geek Talk and Movie Buzz. Also, I want to start doing celebrity news as well. Anyway, spread the word, not the turd, and have a safe July 4th. Oh, Indoor fireworks Can still burn your fingers Indoor fireworks We swore we were safe as houses They're not so spectacular
They don't burn up in the sky But they can dazzle or delight Or bring a tear When the smoke gets in your eyes... Peace.