Let's Get Caught Up


Though HIV cases have soared 3,147 percent in the last ten years in the Philippines, Filipino president Rodrigo Duterte advised the population to stop using condoms because "it is not satisfying." In a public address, he popped a candy in his mouth, saying, "Here, try eating it without unwrapping it... That's what a condom is like." The AIDS virus responded in a tweet; "@RodrigoDuterte- you my everything." 

News organization NPR implemented new policies after numerous sexual assault claims (many of which involved former newsroom leader Michael Oreskes). Their new measures to stave off sexual assault cases include mandating their HR head report directly to their CEO, improving HR management and hiring processes, and making employees listen to "All Things Considered" until their genitals start to resemble a Craisin

Michael Feinberg, co-founder of KIPP (one of the largest and most successful U.S. charter school chains) was dismissed from his own company upon being accused of sexually abusing a student twenty years ago, as well as sexually harassing two of his employees. The other co-founder, David Levin, commented, "To reconcile what we've learned as a result of this investigation and the evidence that's been presented to us with the work I've known him to do is very hard." Levin continued, shaking his head; "Almost as hard as Feinberg is when he sees a jump rope or braces."

A recent survey of over 2,000 adults by sex toy company EdenFantasys uncovered that the average American couple has sex for 69 minutes a week, and schedules sex with their partner 6 times per month. The study also found that 3 percent of participants claimed to have sex more than 30 times per month, while 12 percent said their number was closer to zero. 100 percent of Mitch McConnell can't remember what his own penis looks like. 


The French government proposed to change the legal age of consent to 15 in reaction to two prominent cases where 11-year-old girls were raped. One case from November was a 30-year-old man getting acquitted after raping an 11-year-old girl because the court determined there had been "no violence, coercion, threat, or surprise." Responded the 11-year-old girl, "Um, actually there were ALL of those things- it was a RAPE, not a croissant party."   

Ever since former producer of NBC's "Today" show Noah Kotch became Fox News' website editor in June 2017, the website has covered a rising number of articles about female sex offenders, though there isn't an overall rise in female sex offenders. Kotch defended their skewed coverage; "We don't cover sex crimes like statisticians. We cover what's interesting for the reader." Kotch continued, "Geez, what do you think we are, a news organization or somethin'?" 

A study conducted by the Kaiser Permanente research institute in Seattle and the University of Minnesota discovered that over-the-counter gels worked equally well as hormone replacement pills for menopausal women experiencing pain during sex. Researchers speculate that the reason menopausal women experience dryness during sex is because they don't feel ANYTHING for you anymore, Hank. 

A new study from UC San Francisco revealed that women who ride bicycles regularly reported higher sexual satisfaction than women who did not. In related news, this rider needs to go hit the crank and put some pedal to the metal.