Friday, July 29, 2011

What to Watch This Weekend While Your AC Blasts You in the Face

Well that's an interesting way of standing.

On the weekends, most Americans like to go out and live life, be part of the world, go to TJ Maxx - but for those of us in our 30's, we much prefer to stay home with the AC blasting and the TV on. So here are a few of TVMWW's suggestions as to what to watch this weekend.

For the NPR Type - Citizen U.S.A.: A 50 State Road Trip - HBO On Demand

With soccer taking over and the COUNTDOWN TO CRISIS looming, there is currently nothing lamer than being American - unless you're a farmer from Belarus. In HBO's doc Citizen U.S.A.: A 50 State Road Trip, director Alexandra Pelosi (Nancy's daughter!) films foreigners as they become U.S. citizens - and are seriously SO excited to be American. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll look into taking in an exchange student. I want one from Latvia!

Also, does anything give away foreign tourists more than their socks? No Europeans wear just plain tubers - their socks all have little patterns or furry animals on 'em. Also, is "foreign tourist" redundant? It must be.

How does hair even do that? ... Amazing.

For the Sports Fan - Barcelona vs. Manchester United - Saturday at 7pm on ESPN2

America Schmamerica - this game will be amazing! The world's two best teams play a friendly in DC before kicking off their European seasons in a few weeks. Barca will be without the world's best player, Leo Messi, but will still feature David Villa and his incredible haircut. Sorry ladies, no Becks or Cristiano Ronaldo here, but look for me in the stands, I'll be the dude with the gigantic 35 foot boner.

For the Moviegoer - The Trip - Some Indie Movie Theatre Where They Probably Serve Coffee and/or Scones

In case your AC goes on the fritz, head out to see The Trip with Steve Coogs. The Trip stars the aforementioned Steve Coogan and British comedic actor Rob Brydon as they play themselves on a road trip throughout the UK. Brilliant film, beautiful scenery, hilarious - the furthest thing from Hollywood - well, besides Bosnia.

Another type of tuber.

For the People who Actually Like This Blog - The Bachelorette: The Dudes Tell All - Sunday at 8pm on ABC

I hate myself for being so excited to hear Bentley mumble unintelligibly once again, but the guy is great American television. Add Ryan and his maniacal optimism and Ames's eloquence, and we're in for a doozie. The only thing is - on these shows - it always seems like some stiff who got no air time during the seez decides to step up and steal the spotlight. I kind of hope it's Wes, the dude who killed his ex-wife. Or was his name West? What the freak? Who names their child West?!?!

Only in Amurrica.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

The Bachelorette: I Now Understand Why That Fiji Water Costs Like $2.49

The cameraman ghost from Three Men and a Baby!

After ten weeks, four countries and only one Ames, this season of The Bachelorette came down to three dudes and their overnight dates - or, as I like to call it: a Sex Competition. For Ben and Constantine, two men with very average sized penises relaxed contestants, it was no big deal. For J.P., the Jew anxious one, it was a COUNTDOWN TO CRISIS.

ABC, realizing that they created a situation that GUARANTEED sex, pulled out a few last minute hurdles for the men to climb before the could be admitted to Ashley's deceivingly large vagina fantasy suite.

Before Ben TORE THAT ASS UP had his snugglefest, he had to pass his final challenge: A BOAT RIDE. Now I've probably been on ten boats in my life and I'm pretty sure that I barfed on every one of them. In fact, if I were slated to HAVE SEX with a woman later in the evening, I would not, could not, do anything on a boat. But Ben handled the boat quite well, by not only not barfing all over the place, but by participating in the most erotic suntan-lotion-spreading I've seen this week.

I'll take "Something No Girl Has Ever Enjoyed Doing To Me" for $400 Alex.

Also, how is it possible that NO DUDES on television have moles on their backs? This past weekend, I watched wrestling, swimming and at least twenty-three snuff films and did not see one sign of melanoma. My wife - who loves me unconditionally - still gets skeeved out any time I ask her to grease me up at the beach ... AND WE HAVE A KETUBAH!

Regardless, Ben was feeling so friggin' confident after his lube job that he had the AUDACITY to wear the world's dumbest shirt. What WAS that?!?! It was like a see-through, tucked-in, three-quarter length V-neck. On the front, I was sort-of expecting it to say "Everlast." And yet, he still had sex with a woman. God I wish I wasn't bald.

Constantine's final challenge consisted of GOING SWIMMING WITH HIS SHOES ON - ranked by ESPN's X Games as the third most difficult physical activity in the world - right behind pole vaulting and finding a shoe in your size at D.S.W. The Greek-God Salad-maker passed this test easily, leading me to believe that he has really small feet. Another reason I think he has really small feet is because he TURNED DOWN SEX with a woman.

That being said, Constantine proved to be the most real dude this show has ever had, despite the fact that he kinda talks like a girl. Like, we're going on a helicopter! OMG! Do I have food in my teeth? His relationship with whatsherface progressed like a normal person, and at times he seemed more intelligent than you would expect a Greek ogre with a GIANT cranium to be. For the record, I think he was gay.

My kinda Greek.

What Sex Competition would be complete without a national scare? ABC interrupted Ashley's time in Fiji to broadcast a crazed lunatic, who went by the name of "Ryan," as he attempted to behave more enthusiastically than any human being who has ever lived. I thought Ashley handled Ryan quite well, telling him, "You're a perfect guy on paper, but this isn't paper, this is real life, and you're a real life lunatic."

I guess this is the paragraph where I'm supposed to talk about J.P., but unfortunately there is not much to report considering he spent his entire time in Fiji playing Miss Mary Mack on the beach. I gotta say, he is one of my least favorite contestants ever (AND THAT'S SAYIN' SOMETHIN'). Really, what does he bring to the table besides a dashing smile? I mean, it's a nice smile, but does he have any personality? All he does is complain about Ashley dating other dudes. Okay, yeah, he knows the entire Miss Mary Mack song, but so do I ... with silver buttons, buttons, buttons, all down her moley back, back, back.

So as the Sex Competish comes to a close, I guess we're supposed to care who wins. I much prefer Ben, but then again it's not up to me, it's up to sex. Sex decides everything, and sex will decide this. Based on what we've seen so far, I kinda think J.P. might be better at sex, so even though I want Ben to win, I'm predicting the Jew brings it home for Jerome.

Also, Jews are great at sex.

Hooray for Jews!

And now for the dumbest 39 seconds of your life:

Eh, Twitter's kinda dumb. Look at this really cool pic of the Mop Tops instead. 

Monday, July 25, 2011

True Blood: Eric Northman is Completely Zorped and So Am I

Like looking in a mirror.

Have you ever ordered a pizza with "the works?" I did once, not because I necessarily wanted a pizza with the works, but because I wanted to order a pizza with the works. I mean, don't get me wrong, I was kind-of excited to eat a pizza with the works, but it was more about the fun of ordering a pizza with the works.

The pizza with the works was fine - not great - but fine. The main problem was that it was just way too soggy because of all the toppings (literally). I may as well have just ordered a pizza with anchovies, because that's pretty much all you taste when you order a pizza with the works. 


True Blood's got too many motherf*cking toppings on their pizza.

At first, it was an okay show about vampires eating people, except for one vampire who was in love with a lady with freshly shaved armpits. Some people approved, others were anti-vampire, no one could argue with how smooth Anna Paquin's armpits were. People said the show was a metaphor for gay rights - I contend it was an infomercial for the Gillette Venus.

Then they added that crazy maenad lady - who got everybody in town to bone each other - possibly a metaphor for Ke$ha.

Now, the writers have gone bonkers - adding anything and everything to the True Blood storyline. Currently, the show features:

- fairies
- witches
- werewolves (who spend WAY MORE than seven minutes on their abs by the way)
- shape-shifters
- panthers (actually, meth-selling panthers)
- regular panthers (wait, are there regular panthers?)
- MMA fighting lesbians (probably the dumbest plotline yet)
- shamans

And for the record, let me just say that the only thing in this world more terrifying than a demon baby is a person who enjoys jogging.

It's too much! There's all these characters, all these storylines, when really all we care about is whether or not Sookie is going to double log-jammed by Eric and the werewolf guy.

Ke$ha donning literally THE BIGGEST COAT in the world.

I feel like Eric Northman (who was recently zorped by a witch and has no idea what's going on) is a metaphor for the writers. They're completely zorped right now, staring at their scripts with absolutely no idea what to do. They've piled on way too many toppings and are wandering around HBO's offices with pizza that's way too heavy for their paper plates. They've completely forgotten what pizza is supposed to taste like.

Last week when that truck pulled up to rescue Jason Stackhouse, I thought he was about to be saved by zombies, or mummies, or giant frogs. I feel like this conversation could happen at any moment:

Sheriff Bellefleur:  Zoinks, Scoob! Guess what I just saw in town?

Lafayette:  Oh motherf*cker, what now?

Sheriff Bellefleur:  A financial planner!

Lafayette:  Hooker, please tell me you're f*cking kidding.

Sookie:  Oh, no. Uh uh. I am NOT getting involved with a financial planner. Not after all that I've been through.

Eric:  Hmmm, a financial planner? I could use a financial planner. 

Sookie:  Stop it Eric! This is a serious problem! Financial planners are dangerous!

Jesus:  Was he with anyone? Like maybe a young professional's group? Maybe a Jewish organization that meets on Wednesday nights?

Sheriff Bellefleur: I dunno, I just saw him and he was giving out business cards. I think he invited me to a brunch where he was going to give a power point presentation.

Sookie:  Eric! What are you doing?!?!

Eric:  Just showing off my pelvic bone.

Lafayette:  Sook, you best get this motherf*cker away from me - I'm not trying to end up in no dungeon and I ain't rolling over my 401K. Hooker, why did you bring Eric Northman here? Are you out yo cott-damn mind? He's 1,000 years old! The only motherf*cker older than him is Kirk Douglas! Look at that pelvic bone!

Terah:  Pelvic bone! I knew I shouldn't have come back here. Blah blah motherf*ckin blah. Wah wah wah. (That was supposed to be a whiny voice.)

Jason Stackhouse:  Um, guys? A group of panthers ate my entire ribcage. Can you please help me? I'm literally turning into a panther. I'm a human, but now I'm going to be a panther. Can we please just take a second and think about that? I would seriously rather be a financial planner - or even a mortgage broker - than turn into a panther. Also, the person who writes this blog would just like to take this moment to mention that he always thought that Jerry Stackhouse sucked at basketball.

Chef Stackhouse: only a slightly better cook than Chef Shawn Bradley.


Even when you've had enough of this show - AND I'VE HAD ENOUGH - these zorped writers still bring you back with a semi-decent episode. They put in just enough Jessica bra shots or Jason Stackhouse zingers to keep you coming back.

And now here we are, with a cliffhanger before the Darth Vader / Luke Skywalker confrontation between Bill and Eric. My wife is pulling for Eric. She has seriously been waiting four years to see Eric Northman and Sookie Stackhouse have sex. Personally, I'd rather see Sookie have sex with that werewolf guy.


I think he's the anchovies.

I also have absolutely no idea what a metaphor is.

I think what I'm trying to say here is: two toppings is really the maximum amount of toppings you should ever have on a pizza - if you go with more, you're entering Soggsville. Except for Hawaiian which is seriously like the perfect pizza. So I guess the werewolf guy is the pineapple, and the panthers and the shape-shifters are the extra cheese and black olives.

Terah is the anchovy.

That lady can suck my crank.

The best Jerry (Stackhouse), the best.

Think these posts are WAY too long? Then follow TVMWW on Twitter - it's much shorter!
Or, just check out this picture of me and my friends from my recent bachelor party.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

RHW of NJ: Point/CounterPoint - Should Kim G. Be Mauled by a Tiger on Live Television?


In this, our first installment of Point/CounterPoint, TVMWW will tackle the question: Should Kim G. be mauled by a tiger on live television? Obviously, I think she should, so I will go first. Afterwards, I have asked my good friend, Dr. Cliff Glorvenberbs, Professor of Criminology at SUNY Florvendale, to give his thoughts on the counterpoint.


I hate that I find both of these women sort-of attractive.

Point - Yes, Kim G. should totally be mauled by a tiger on live television.

By The Evster

C'mon, we've all been thinking it. And now it's time for Kim G. to finally get what's coming to her: a good ole fashioned tiger mauling.

At this point, it's the only logical step. The lady is a troublemaker! Did you see how she showed up to Jesus's birthday party with that lawyer lady in an attempt to start trouble? Nobody likes a troublemaker! In my day, we had a word for people who showed up to birthday parties with lawyers attempting to cause trouble: we called them "troublemakers!"

The only real concern is whether or not our nation is ready to witness an actual human being get torn to shreds on live television. I contend that we are. A few years ago, I sat through 100 minutes of that stupid Grizzly Man movie, waiting for those grizzlies to maul that guy, and they didn't even show anything! UNACCEPTABLE! The audience can take it - if we can sit through the end of The Bachelorette when the guys break down and cry (and moan, AND moan), we can definitely handle one old lady dying a painful death at the hands of a killer tiger.

I say, kill the bitch.

And I wanna watch.

Dr. Glorvenberbs - lecturing to the Idaho Department of Animal Safety about the importance of squirrels wearing pants.

CounterPoint - I gotta be honest, I know I'm supposed to argue against the whole mauling thing, but I'm not sure if I can.

By Dr. Cliff Glorvenberbs

Geez, what do I possibly say here?

No person deserves to be mauled?

That's not true, I know lots of people that deserved to be mauled. Granted, most of them have hosted Entertainment Tonight at one point or another, but still.

Honestly, I got nothin'.

I guess one reason maybe Kim G. shouldn't get mauled is 'cause maybe the tiger wouldn't really wanna maul her? But that's crazy, of course a tiger would want to maul her. It's a tiger. Tigers love mauling stuff. I once saw this video of a tiger mauling something, I dunno, maybe a horse? It was crazy! Imagine how amazing it'd be to see a tiger maul an old lady! All from the comfort of your own living room.

The only thing is, I'm not so sure the tiger would really enjoy mauling Kim G., because there's not really much of her to maul. She's so frail! What's she like, 85? How 'bout when she took that pole-dancing lesson from Danielle Staub? What was she trying to prove?! "Engage and suggest." I actually sort of thought that Danny dude was gonna maul both of them. What a haircut.

So, yeah, I'm all in favor of the mauling.

And I say put it on Telemundo. It'd probably be increíble en Espanol!

I know you're probably over Facebork, but would ya just click like on TVMWW?
Or if you're not into that, check out how good these cheese fries look.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

The Bachelorette: So Apparently "Hometowns" is a Thing


When I say "TV", you say "My Wife Watches!"

TV! ...

My Wife Watches!

TV! ...

My Wife Watches!

When I say "Bachelorette", you say "Hometowns!"

Bachelorette! ...


Bachelorette! ...

Holyyyyyyy shitballs did you see Constantine's shaved chest hair?!

Hometown dates are friggin' out of control. The fact that these dudes were EXCITED to have the Bachelorette meet their families is INSANE. Normally, people like to hide their ugly siblings, but not on the Bach! And why would anyone subject their girlfriend to a line of questioning that no human being would ever ask another human being? And how strong was the pleat in Constantine's dad's pants?!?! AMAZING.

My family is honestly so embarrassing, I spent the first five years of my relationship trying to convince my wife that I was an orphan raised by the good people at The Olive Garden. Free breadsticks! and salad.

Not shown: a pleat that could slice a man's neck.

Kinda weird that Constantine decided to show off his family's floundering restaurant. We haven't seen a customer in weeks! Let's make salad! At first I was really bothered when those waitresses were spying on Ashley and Constantine, totally neglecting their hungry customers, until I realized they had none. Probably 'cause the waitresses at Constantine's restaurant are nosey as hell.

My friend Law actually liked Constantine's family, especially his dad. "He's a good man, a good man!" Law said. This was based solely on the fact that he made lamb chops. Quite frankly, I wasn't really paying attention during Constantine's segment of the show because our viewing party was debating whether or not Constantine was circumcised (and if it mattered). We all thought he probably was circumcised and it did matter, except for my friend Emily, which led us all to assume that her husband Gil is totally not circumcised.
﻿﻿﻿﻿Ben F's family sure seemed exciting. Especially the fact that they're all suicidal. This has been great, Ben! I loved meeting your sister who's clearly in love with you. And your mother, wow, what a riot. I loved the part when she talked about her dead husband. Pass the salad!

And WHAT THE FREAK happened in JP's past relationship that made his family so friggin' protective of him? Was he so heartbroken that he spent six months just barfing all over the place? Please Ashley, don't hurt him. Seriously. Look me in the eye and say you won't hurt him. LOOK ME IN THE EYE. He can't take it. We can't take it. WE. CAN'T. TAKE. IT. There was so much barf. THERE WAS SO MUCH BARF!

Show this picture to JP and watch a grown man barf all over himself.
I still remember the first time I brought my wife home to my parents' house. It wasn't necessarily a barfapalooza, but still a nightmare. I can remember pulling up to the house like it was yesterday ...

All right Dar, I know it's raining, but we gotta park on the street because our next door neighbors The Gratterollies are getting a little too possessive of the driveway these days. And make sure when you walk towards the house to make wild helicopter motions with your hands to block the cob webs. Oooohh, there's Mr. Spidey now! 

Well here we are, the front door. Yeah, it's locked. Perfectly nice suburb, but around fifteen years ago The Gratterollies got a shovel stolen from their front porch, so it's lock-city here now. Go ahead, ring the bell, my mother should answer the door in around 15 minutes. I guess we could get the spare key from The Gratts. Maybe we should just go. 

Oh heyyyyyy, my dad answered the door, awesome. Dar, this is my father, Mort - and yes those are real tightie whities - and yes those are his actual testicles hanging out of his tightie whities. And this is my mom, Ruth. Mom, it's fine, you don't need makeup. Yes, we took our shoes off. Yes, we can see Dad's balls. No, The Gratteroli's didn't make us park in the street, we just figured it'd be easier. Yes, yes, Dad does have nice balls. No, I'm not ashamed of his balls, I just don't want to look at them. I'm not neglecting his balls, Mom. Yes, we have very similar balls. I'm very thankful. Thank you, Dad.

Oh, and this is my brother, Lionel. No Lionel, we don't need Mom to make us scrambled eggs. We actually just ate. Olive Garden. I know, free breadsticks. No, we didn't bring any breadsticks with us. I'm sorry Lionel. No, there's none in Dar's purse. Lionel, please get your hand out of my girlfriend's purse. Fine, fine, Mom, can you please make us some scrambled eggs? Lionel, please. Mom? Where's Mom? Oh good, she's spying on the Gratterolis. Dad, please take your balls out of Dar's purse. 

I really really hope JP reads this blog. Also, I KINDA HATE JP!

My parents happen to like Dar very much, but that doesn't really matter - I didn't need their approval. In fact, I don't really understand why all these dudes on The Bachelorette need their parents to like Ashley. Law put it best, "Why should I care if my mom and sisters approve - as long as I'm bringing home that bomb-ass p*ssy?"

Overall, the hometown dates this year were kind of a snooze, but getting a glimpse of the dudes' families certainly helped explain why they all wear bracelets. Also, WHY THE FREAK do all these dudes wear bracelets?!?!

This whole show is mind-blowing ... the participants, the haircuts, the fact that the host works for around 12 minutes every week, the way that people in the highest tax bracket live, the way Ames runs, carriage rides, CARRIAGE RIDES?!, Ames's vocabulary, ASHLEY'S TATTED UP SISTER, that greek dude making it rain!, the fact that they filmed an entire episode in Taiwan and I didn't see one twelve year-old shortstop ... WHAT A TELEVISION SHOW!

I honestly can't take it. The Bachelorette finds the worst/best/strangest/most amazing/saddest/weirdest/Ames'est people ever. The show is an emotional roller coaster filled with lunatics.  There's only one other show that collects and promotes more bizarre people. That show of course is ...


OF ...

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ !

No idea what's going on here. Also, how is "THING" a category? ... SO UNFAIR!

Click here to help TVMWW get to a million Facebork followers. Only 999,945 to go!
Or check out a picture of this squirrel relaxing on a hot, summer day. He's so relaxed!

Also, RIP to the inventor of the actual wheel on Wheel of Forch, Ed Flesh. He was 79er.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

TVMWW is on Vacashe!

What you know about Mont Tremblant?

I'm writing this post with bruises all over my butt. Seriously. My bachelor party was this past weekend and my friends and the wonderful women of the Pumptown Tavern thought it'd be a good idea to wail my butt with a belt.

For those of you who may be confused, yes butts bruise, and yes I'm not technically married (yet). I'm actually getting married this weekend, hence TVMWW being on vacashe. You see, when I started this blog-blog in September, "TV My Wife Watches" had a much better ring to it than TV My Fiance Watches or TV My Girlfriend Watches or TV This Crazy Lady Who Happens to Make Wonderful Banana Bread Watches, so I went with it. For those of you who feel duped, I'm sorry. For those of you who are women of the Pumptown Tavern, I'm also sorry. I don't want another.

This woman is not my wife, nor is she from Pumptown.

If you're the type of person who loves excruciating pain and does want another (and another, and another, and seriously, WHAT IS WRONG WITH THOSE WOMEN?), check out some of TVMWW greatest hits while I'm away - such as ...

- My attempt at grilling a chicken after watching The Barefoot Contessa.

- A Bachelor post from this winter that all but ignored Ashley the Dancing Dentist.

- Along with my friend Feddd, revisiting a high school basketball game while playing alongside Kobe Bryant. Obviously this has nothing to do with TVMWW, but c'mon, I have a blog, I can do whatever I want!

- Like basketball? Here was my NBA Preview for dudes and chicks.

- Here's a Mad Men post that I honestly don't even remember writing, but I wanted to give a little variety here.

- Think reading is dumb? Watch this video of this dude doing bonkers bike tricks.

Now that's what I call TVMWW's Greatest Hits Vol. 37!

When I get back from my honeymoon in Pumptown, I'll be blogging about True Blood, Ice Loves Coco and GAME OF FRONES - hopefully with a fresh, pink, bruise-free butt ... see ya in a week!

Friday, July 1, 2011

True Blood: S4:Ep1 - Apparently I'm Putting Episode #'s In the Title These Days

Clockwise starting top left: dumb, dope, craziest bitch in TV history, tightest T-shirts ever, barf, annoying, sundresses, ruff ruff.

You can tell a lot about a person by their favorite TV show. For examps, folks who like Glee probably also enjoy waking up early. Law and Order fans most likely have daddy issues. Intervention fans are sickos. Seriously, they are sick people. How can you watch families going through that? My favorite show is a tie between Wipeout and Hallo! Bundesliga - draw your own conclusions from that one. My wife, well, she's a True Blooder.

I remember the first time my wife told me about True Blood - it was very early on in the show and I had come home late (I think I was out somewhere watching Wipeout) - and she described True Blood to me as we were going to sleeps:

There's this lady, and she likes this vampire, but nobody likes the vampires - and this guy was trying to kill the lady, but her friend who's actually a dog saved her by being a dog and barking. And then they woke up in the morning and the dog was actually a guy and he was naked. Also, I watched three episodes of Law and Ords tonight!

It was at that moment when I knew I never wanted to watch True Blood.

Horse or Sam Merlotte? ... WHO KNOWS?!?!

But I'm a good husband and I understand that sometimes you have to show interest in your partner's interests, especially when it's something that they're really excited about. So I gave it a shot for Season One, but almost punched a wall when they found René's "Cajun Accents for Dummies" cassette in his car. Possibly the dumbest thing I've ever seen on television - and that's really saying something - because just minutes before some guy who's actually a dog saved a chick and then turned back into a guy.

So what kind of person likes True Blood? And what kind of woman am I married to?

I think you can break True Blood fans into three types of people:

1. Perverts

This is my wife's group. Every time True Blood starts and HBO flashes that "N" on the screen for "nudity," my wife puts both of her arms in the air and yells, "nudityyyy!" This past Sundee, she was struggling with a sore throat so instead she just stuck her right fist out in front of her - like MJ's buzzer-beater when he was with the Wizards. She also clenched her jaw. It was the most serious I've ever seen her.

Every True Blood ep is good for some ridiculous sex or at the very least, AT THE VERY LEAST, Jason Stackhouse sweating profusely with his shirt off. We've seen Eric Northman tying chicks up, the famous 360 degree headspin sex scene, and last Sundee, Terah (aka the dumbest character on television) had a little lezbo action with some white lady.

If this is the type of dude my wife is into and I look NOTHING like this, what does that say for the state of our marriage?

Quick segue: Terah is the DUMBEST character on television. She starts off gaga for Sam, then she falls in love with that Eggs guy who was even dumber than her (a barefoot black dude with a guitar? c'mon!), I think I remember her doing something with Jason, and now she's an underground MMA superstar in New Orleans? Also, why is she checking her text messages while she's getting in on with another chick? So rude! The only acceptable reason for checking your phone during sex is to see if you've been Re-Tweeted, because there is NOTHING more exciting than getting Re-Tweeted. TRUTH!

Next group of True Blood idiots:

2. Vampire / Dungeon and Dragon Dorks

The opening scene for this season featured evil fairies (or witches?) throwing lightning balls at Sookie and Lumbergh from Office Space while they tried to escape from fairy land. What? I honestly felt like True Blood was just taking advantage of a bigger budget from HBO and wanted to have some explosions. I can't get into all this werewolf stuff either, which is strange, cause you would think that I'd like wolves who eat people. I think the folks that are into the D&D are the same people who are dying to see Green Lantern. These are also people who order sandwiches without tomatoes. For the record, I'm dying to see Green Lantern. He's green! Also, during the season when Maryann was jacking people up, I totally stayed up til around 5:30am one night doing research on maenads. It was exhilarating.

Another segue: I saw a billboard for the new Harry Porter movie this weekend and Harry had a magic wand that was blasting stuff. Um, Harry Porter uses magic wands?!?! I honestly had no idea. Does he use it as a weapon? Or to move stuff? I read the first book way back when, but I don't remember any magic wands. I also don't remember Hermione looking anything like she looks like now. Zowzers.

Also, can someone PLEASE explain to me what the deal is with these Dr. Dre headphones? Aren't they just headphones? Do they have a cord that never gets tangled or something? Because that's what I'm looking for in a pair of headphones. I seriously think my father has around 37 pairs of those spongy red headphones in his sock drawer from the various Sony Walkmen he's used over the years, and every one of them does the job just as well as Dr. Dre headphones. I mean, I get it, I see that the world is yearning for more comfortable headphones ever since Apple tried to destroy our eardrums with those plastic, white ear-jammers, but $300 headphones?!?! I honestly can't believe anyone watches Glee!

Another wrist-to-wrist move?! What am I missing here? I don't understand this world.

Next group!

3. HBO Die-Hards

These are the folks that will tune in to anything on HBO - aka people who are still trying to convince you that Treme is worth watching. These are also the same people who like Turtle from Entourage and think HBO Real Sex is a documentary about sexuality, when really it's just a bunch of True Blood fans wearing dog collars.

Last segue (and honestly I like writing the segues more than stuff about True Blood): That guy "E" from Entourage is the worst character in the history of television. Even worse than Terah. I mean, what a tweedle-dick. It PAINED me to watch him get with hot chicks on that show even though it's just fiction. I understand that it's not real, I understand that E is not actually a real person with a really stupid nickname - not a real person who constantly complains and worries and tells people not to take bong hits because they have an interview to get to - but still, what a tweedle!

Trivia: is this a scene from True Blood? HBO Real Sex? or Hallo! Bundesliga?

So the bottom line is, yeah, True Blood is dumb, but it does have its momes. I understand why it's crazy popular. It hits on a few major demographics of people in this world: pervs, dorks, and cable TV subscribers - that's a pretty good formula for success. And let's face it, the 360 degree headspin sex scene was totally bonkers and I do thoroughly like Pam the Vampire. I also liked when that Russell guy ripped some dude's heart out and was yelling at everyone. And I think this crazy René baby has some potential. I also think it's nice for my wife to stock her brain with endless Eric Northman material to masturbate to. I'm happy for her. I really am.

I just kinda wish she wouldn't moan SO loudly every time Eric appears on screen. And asking me to grow long blond hair is a little much. Then again, it could be nice for her to dress up like a witch and throw fireballs at my crotch.

I truly have no idea what I'm talking about.

I honestly only put this picture up here to get some Harry Potter fans to come to my website.

So last night I live tweeted an adult rec league indoor soccer match. Probably the dumbest thing to ever be tweeted. Sounds like something you might be interested in? Click here to follow TVMWW on Twitter.