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Space Force doctors daunted to learn rocket surgery




WASHINGTON — With President Donald Trump’s announcement of a new Space Force service branch, military doctors are preparing themselves for the impossible but now necessary task of performing rocket surgery, sources confirmed today.

“When I was enlisted as a medic, if we were failing at something, first sergeant would say ‘it ain’t rocket surgery,’” said Army Lt. Col. (Dr.) Harrison Patrick, a physician at Walter Reed Army Medical Center. “Every veteran has come to understand that, in first sergeant’s estimation, rocket surgery is the most difficult thing a human being could conceive of.”

Top medical experts are still uncertain as to whether rocket surgery will consist mostly of performing surgery on soldiers while riding inside a rocket or performing surgery on an organic rocket that has been injured by soldiers. But just to be sure, sources say, Space Force doctors are attempting to learn both.

Still, critics say it cannot be done given the current limitations of both brain surgery and rocket science.

“Rocket surgery is theoretically unachievable according to Private Snuffy’s Law,” astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson said on Twitter. “That’s why your sergeant never says that a task actually is as difficult as rocket surgery.”

Patrick will soon be launching on the first space flight to include injured combat veterans so that he can test the possibilities.

“Sure, we couldn’t fit all of the unit’s old office furniture into a single CONEX, but I’m about to attempt a skin graft in zero gravity,” said Patrick. “Suck it, Top.