Scoundrel Time

Capitol Comedy Hour with Kev & Paul


Inside the Capitol building, underneath a statue of Barry Goldwater, a cluster of Republican members of Congress are gathered around a keg and holding red Solo cups. Among them are House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy, Speaker Paul Ryan, and Representatives Scalise and Rodgers. It’s June 2016.


Scalise: … so the bartender says, “Do you really think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?”

[Raucous laughter]

Ryan: I’ve heard that one.

Kev: I laugh every time.

Rodgers: Okay, here’s one, here’s one–A priest, a rabbi, and a mullah walk into a bar–

Ryan: Is this an anti-Catholic joke?

Scalise: Dude, hush.

Rodgers: A priest, a rabbi, and a mullah walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this, a joke?”

[Laughter, jostling. Kev’s beer sloshes onto the floor.]

Kev: Not bad, for a chick.

Ryan: Here, I’ll top you off.

[Refills Kev’s beer, refills his own, offers the spout to the other two.]

Rodgers: What’s with the head on that, Paul-o?

Kev: Lame! [blows on the foam]

Scalise fumbles with his iPhone: You guys, I’m putting this on my YouTube channel. Smile and say, “EMAILS!”

[Ryan turns his baseball hat backward. They put their arms around each other and toast.]

Kev: Hey, I’ve got a good one–Putin’s paying Donald Trump!

All: Hahaha!!

Rodgers: Because no one in New York will give him a dime?

Kev: No, I mean it. I think Putin’s paying him.

Scalise: That’s not funny. What would be funny is Putin paying Giuliani.

Ryan: Joke’s on Putin.

Rodgers: No, no—Putin paying Christie. No, Putin paying Roger Stone.

Scalise: Uh…

Ryan, in wan Midwestern impersonation of Brando’s Godfather: “I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.”

[More laughter.]

Kev: No, no; you have to say it like this. [Repeats with fake Russian accent, like bad Yakov Smirnoff impersonation]– “I’m going to make you an offer…”

[Laughter. Ryan loses some beer out his nose]

Kev: Really, though. I mean it. I think Putin dropped off a few truckloads of gold rubles at Trump’s penthouse. Swear to God.

Ryan’s eyes suddenly go dark, red-rimmed; he puts his arms around the other three, draws them into a huddle, says in an uncharacteristically deep, menacing, yet still nasal Midwestern voice: Never speak of this again.

Scalise: Paul, man, lighten up. It’s us.

Kev: I need to take a leak.

Ryan, still menacing: NO LEAKS.

Kev: Hold my beer.



The author is the editor of Scoundrel Time.

Note: Here’s the original Washington Post story about McCarthy and Ryan’s conversation.