Man Returns From Jog Completely Unharmed

A local man went for a jog this morning and returned home approximately 30 minutes later intact and utterly unharmed in any way, Dumb Runner has learned.

Alex Portnoy, a 28-year-old technical writer, reportedly began his jaunt around 6:30 a.m. and followed a 3-mile route in and around his neighborhood. It is believed to be the first time a self-identified jogger went for a jog without enduring some form of external or internal trauma.

Portnoy takes pains not to call himself a runner, friends and coworkers say, consistently using the words jogger, jogging, and jog to describe his aerobic activity.

"He knows the risks," one longtime friend told Dumb Runner. "That doesn't stop him."

This ‘jogger’ rolled the dice—and won.
— Phil Roth, professor

During his jog, Portnoy was not bitten by a dog, and in fact didn't encounter any menacing animals at all. He also avoided being hit by vehicles of any kind, including bicycles; did not experience a heart attack, stroke, embolism, or other medical emergency; and was not assaulted, threatened, or even taunted. 

At one point he passed a ravine, but did not fall into it.

Most notably, Portnoy found no dead bodies—a remarkable fact, given that he jogged through at least three alleys and one densely wooded urban park. Experts estimate that joggers have a roughly 80% chance of discovering at least one dead body during any given jog.

"He's got to be pretty happy about that," said Phil Roth, a professor of criminology and jogger studies at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. "This 'jogger' rolled the dice—and won."

Still, Roth said, he would caution Portnoy from attempting a second jog.

"Don't push your luck," he said, addressing Portnoy directly. "Next time, go for a run instead."