Archive for spoonie

I’ve looked at life from both sides now….

Posted in chronic illness, depression, mental health, mental illness, self harm with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on 09/06/2014 by doyourememberthattime

I haven’t written in a while. I’m not entirely sure why that is. I seem able to write other more frivolous things, but any deep introspection eludes me.
I am volunteering again. A project I really believe in. it gives me a sense of purpose. I know I shouldn’t need to find worth outside of myself, but I do. I suspect if they were honest, most folk have a similar struggle for validity.

My body continues to malfunction in a variety of ways. Planning is redundant. Where I can go & what I do is ruled by my ability to manage symptoms. I am the queen of cancelling. I am so tired of disappointing others & myself.

My head is a mystery to me. There are days when I feel I am making huge leaps. Future aspirations bloom, hope is palpable. And then for no concrete reason I plummet. Days seeped in grey merge into one another. Life becomes a featureless landscape of withdrawal or a frenzy of anxiety.

Self-harm is never far from my thoughts. I am not actively hurting myself, but I still believe that is the true me. I am forever searching for a way to hurt enough & still function. I can’t begin to find the words to describe how it feels to daily fight your most ingrained instincts. In so many ways I am broken, I honestly don’t know if the damage is irrevocable.


thankful so thankful…..

Posted in chronic illness, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on 08/02/2014 by doyourememberthattime

My body has been up to no good again.
This time it has decided it does not want to eat.
It feels like there is something stuck in my throat & the centre of my chest.
It’s very painful.
Swallowing is excruciating
And If I try to eat anything, I just throw it up immediately.

This has been going on since Friday.
Its sooo much fun.
I’ve actually experienced these symptoms before
They only lasted for a few hours.
This sustained onslaught is severely testing me.

I saw my gp & she was fairly certain that my hiatus hernia was the culprit
She ordered an urgent endoscopy
Changed my anti emetic
Then basically told me I had to just get on with it.

So, I struggled on until various factors landed me in A&E.
As usual that was a carnival of waiting
I had an ECG; it then took almost 5hrs to see the medical dr,
Who was entirely unhelpful.
She took bloods, ordered a chest x-ray
Paid very little attention to what I was saying,
Offered me the same meds that had already failed to have any effect.
Unfortunately this is a familiar theme of my hospital visits.
As soon as I mention my chronic conditions doctors appear to switch off.
The wait & see attitude is pervasive.

What followed was another agonising wait for a surgical consult.
By the time the surgical dr arrived I was no longer coping.
The pain was unbearable
The nausea uncontrollable.
I hadn’t slept for more than a few hours in days
I was so close to breaking point.

Thankfully in walked the most wonderful man.
He actually listened to my whole story,
My long history of acute & chronic conditions were taken on board
He proactively treated me.

I was given a strong anti-emetic injection,
Serious pain relief,
A drip to replace fluids & salts
Plus, doubled the dosage on my stomach medications.
I was admitted to a ward & finally got some real rest.

I can’t even explain how grateful I am that someone helped me
My physical health has a huge impact of my mental illness
Obviously being ill gets me down,
The entire hospital process raises my anxiety to intolerable levels
The waiting
The staring
The explaining
I feel helpless.
I often begin to wonder if it’s all worth it
Especially, when I come up against medical professionals who really don’t seem to want to help me.

So, I’m grateful.
That someone listened
That someone treated me with respect
That someone made me feel better

Thank you
Thank you
Thank you.