Wednesday, July 21, 2010

The Concept of "Fine" - Revealed Through Meridian Tapping

On July 7th I had my very first session with EFT, Hypnosis and NLP Practitioner, Jane Unsworth. It was 3 days before I could sit down and write anything about it and what came out was not even close to what I expected.

Since I've been totally open with what's going on for me since I started this blog, I'll share the entirety of what I write and experience from each session with Jane, with her blessing. I hope what shows up helps you, the reader, find answers and stay with the healing process.

July 10, 2010

Me: Oh good grief.

I must not allow myself to have any money because with money comes comfort. With comfort comes relaxation. With relaxation comes stuff spilling out. With stuff spilling out comes shame. With shame comes blame. With blame comes guilt. Or is that reversed, first guilt then blame?

Either way it doesn't matter. That's why I can't allow myself to have money. Money allows me to address these issues. Money allows me to work through these issues and then I'll be exposed and exposure is what kills.

So what am I killing if I expose myself by addressing these issues because I have money?

Unnamed Monster: You're killing your safety.

Me: My safety?

UM: Yes, people don't need to know the truth about what happened to you. No one needs to know. If you'll just leave this alone you'll be fine. You'll be able to do just enough to get by and be just fine.

Me: Will I? Be fine I mean? Will I be happy?

UN: No. This isn't about happy, this is about being fine. If you're fine it doesn't matter if you're happy.

Me: So please define, fine for me.

UM: Yes you just do what's asked of you with a few complaints about it to people and do it everyday until you die, you'll be fine. See.

Me: Wow. Didn't we do that already? And after a while, we don't do very well with actually doing what's asked of us and then nothing is fine anymore and we're right back where we started, not being fine and knowing that we need to address the whole situation even if we only do it a little at a time.

UM: Yeah so that was then. This time WILL be different. You don't have to address this stuff, just do it. Stop thinking about it and just do it. Do what someone else tells you to do. And be fine. It's called obeying. God wants you to obey.

Me: Oh so you're going to bring God into this. He and why is God a he, he's don't give birth except seahorses and one other creature that is asexual I think clams or oysters or something. Still anyway God wants me to obey and I'll be fine and I'm supposed to trust that.

I obeyed when I was a child. I was good at it. Was I fine then? I'm sorry. I'm not really believing the I'll be fine stuff. I'll be okay sure. I'll survive again yeah sure. I won't be fine. I could give two rats asses about being fine.

I want to be happy.

I want to both like and love myself. I'll start with being able to like myself enough to take care of the body I'm in. I want to know that if temptation shows up I will do the liking of myself instead of following the temptation. If you want me to be fine, you've got to come up with a better definition than, things will just go on with you doing as you're told like this until you die. Who's doing the telling because if it's not me, telling me and trusting me, then I want no part of it.

UM: You don't want to be fine?

Me: No I don't just want to be fine. I want to be happy. I want to be happily married. I want to be debt-free. None of that happens if all I ever am is fine.

UM: Well I can't help you.

Me: Why not?

UM: All I can do is be fine.

Me: Oh.

UM: And you don't want to be fine.

Me: Right.

UM: You want to be Great. You want to be this thing you keep hearing in your head. That's just another fantasy you know.

Me: Is it?

UM: Yeah fantasy. You don't get to architect unless you are fine.

Me: Oh really? Is that so? What the hell are you talking about?

UM: You have to be fine with who you are before you begin to architect.

Me: Hello, I've been architecting this entire time and I've only been fine part of it, so no I don't follow you.

UM: I'm not sure how to explain. I only know you hear that "architect". I also only know I can be no more than fine. The two go together somehow and you can't be one without the other.

Me: So you have another definition for fine?

UM: Being okay with what is, now...

Me: You wanted to put and forever as though it wouldn't change and you didn't. Why didn't you?

UM: Because I don't think it's forever anymore. It's being okay with what is, now. Not being okay with what is now. The comma is important. It's right now, this moment and knowing that once this moment is passed, it no longer has to be the same okay. It just has to be an okay, within each moment.


However, if I know that I'm fine now and want to be fine with something different in the future, I have to be okay with the now and take actions which most probably lead me to the future I'd like, which obviously isn't now. This only works if I'm okay with what is, now. That last sentence was really a question and yet it wanted to be a statement.

So practicing on that sentence. - I'm okay with that sentence being a statement, now, even though I'm questioning the validity of the statement. Hmm. That's what you mean by fine?

UM: Yes. Is it clearer now? Are you willing to be fine?

Me: I'm honestly not sure. My heart hurts. I need to check in with my body. I just noticed how slumped down in the chair I was. I don't even recall my body slumping down like that.
How did I get that from tapping some points on my face, upper body and head? To be honest, I didn't.
While I was working with Jane, she was keeping track of and feeding back the impulses and stream of consciousness responses I was getting. She helped me access the part of me holding this idea. That's what allowed me to explore and have the conversation, test the messages I tell myself, the thoughts I hold about myself and how true or not they are.

It's different than talk therapy for sure. It involves being aware of your body. I mean it's hard to not be aware that your own fingers are tapping the sensitive skin beside the eyes or that divot just under the nose and mouth.

Is this for everyone? No. Absolutely not. I certainly wouldn't start here. I've been tapping off and on since I first heard about it in late 2008 and my results, while helpful to get over the emotional hurdle of the moment hadn't provided the unlocked door for later exploration. 

Next week, I'll share what happened after our 2nd session.

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