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All About the Flow

I L-O-V-E, LOVE! the house my wife and I are currently renting. I really wish I owned more nice stuff to put into it. I kinda feel like the house is too big for us, and I’m a big guy. One thing that isn’t too big however is the downstairs half-bath toilet. It is a low-flush toilet. Additionally I think the flapper mechanism was designed to reduce flow ever more. Now I understand the desire that some folks have to reduce our water consumption, but a commode needs to actually work, and this downstairs one just simply doesn’t.

Not so long ago, toilets had capacities up to 13.5 liters (around 3.5 gallons), but today’s low flush toilets have a capacity of around 6 liters. If my math serves me, that’s less. Much less. Like … double less. And living in a part of the country where water is in short supply, that’s a significant improvement. If it worked. Occasionally I flush the commode in question four or five times. I’m often flushing a second or third time after my daughter uses the thing because the paper won’t flush. Sorry. I don’t like floaters even when it’s just paper after a tiny tinkle.

Now I could be wrong, but it seems like if I’m flushing at least twice to do the same work as flushing once in the old style thrones, I’m really not saving anything. I am generating frustration, but that has no real monetary value … that I know of. So to combat this insanity, I purpose a new solution. I call it, The Option.

The Option would be a standard flush toilet with a multi-function flapper mechanism. Basically the flapper would provide three flushing modes:

  1. A low volume flush to rinse the bowl, say for a number 1 or a tiny 2.
  2. A medium volume flush to fully flush the bowl, say for a normal number 2 or to be sure that spider NEVER COMES BACK AGAIN!!!! (You know in a low flusher, you’re flushing this thing at least twice, maybe three times just in case).
  3. A high volume flush to do what must be done, say for a Joe-2 after pizza, beer, and ice cream. It comes with a signed apology letter and an “I Survived the Deuce!” T-shirt for the next person to use the bathroom.

In this manner, responsible commode owners can conserve water more effectively. There will be fewer double or triple or gawd forbid quintuple flushes. (Yeah I know I skipped quadruple. If I have to go four, it’s at least a fiver!) Also, this device could make me a ton of money and be more libertarian (in the keep out of my business manner and not the I don’t want to pay taxes manner).

I say it’s a brilliant idea that I give to whomever did it already or to whomever will do it and give me 0.5% of the profits from the first ten years of use. I figure that will come to roughly eighty two million dollars, because everyone poops, and I want in on part of that action!

Wait, eww.

© 2013, Joe Little. All rights reserved.