Good Morning Red River Valley

By Glenn 

Good morning. I've really missed talking to all of you. It feels like it's been days (two, to be exact) since I've wished you a good morning and dropped some rudimentary prose about my time in California. I've actually done a lot of traveling in the past month and wish I could have shared more but I've had trouble composing my thoughts lately. At my sister's house we have a housekeeper who does things for me I would usually do myself: doing the dishes, making my bed and pardoning Marc Rich. I've asked her to write some articles on my behalf, but the language barrier has made it more difficult than it was to get my nephew to write my article on Monday. I hope to regale you with stories of New York, Chicago, and Pomona soon.

[In fact, I am going to fucking mention Pomona today.]

Today's Weather
Yeah, it's still hot here. That's not what's important right now.

Right now the people I love in North Dakota are in danger because the Red River, evil liquefied, plans to flood major civilian areas and convert those who survive to Satanism. This is a major weather related story that hits close to home because I'm not there and I should be. I never should have left and this is the proof. If you can fill a virtual sandbag please click here to volunteer if you're local to the area. If not, there are emergency numbers provided that you can call repeatedly just to "check in" and "make sure everything's okay."

Today's New Shirts
To go from a topic of life and death importance to one of life or death FASHION importance, there is the issue of my new shirts. When I visited Pomona, California recently to purchase a ticket to the Coachella music festival, there was an amazing vintage store that called out for me to come in. (Not literally of course because I'm not hearing voices now that I live this close to the ocean.) Once inside I realized many of the clothes were even older than me! After glancing at some "Western" style shirts for a few minutes, the suave, Latin store owner asked me what size I was. "Medium," I replied bashfully. So he grabbed several shirts from beyond the counter and gave them to me. There was no dressing room so I just went to the corner to try several of the shirts on. Here is what I walked away with:

Will these shirts be enough for me to fit into the Southern California post-punk scene? Only time, and you in the comments, will tell.

Today in History

Something we forget about March 18th is that it is the anniversary of something good happening to a very famous person. It was 1,973 years ago today that Caligula became Emperor of Rome!

For our younger readers who may not remember, Rome was the similarly located yet less corrupt version of today's Vatican City. Caligula was the one who really turned things around there. Before him, horses were treated as second class citizens and couldn't even vote. But during his reign not only could they vote but some special ones were even appointed to the Senate! I know you might be thinking "Hey, a horse is even dumber than Jim Bunning!" That's not fair, though. Bunning isn't stupid - he just has severe, debilitating mental illness that in any place besides Kentucky would have made him unfit to serve years ago. Certain historians rate Caligula very negatively based on their own biases against incest and murder. If you want to get the truth about Caligula you'll have to google "Caligula unrated." Whatever videos come up should showcase some interesting facts about Roman history - something the whole family can enjoy!

Today's Prediction
Families all along the Red River Valley will google "Caligula unrated" while bored and waiting for the flood to destroy their local sense of community. The results will be mixed, but ultimately will make the brightly colored shirt I displayed above seem tame in comparison. While doing the genealogy of that vintage shirt I will find out it was once worn by a great great great grandfather of Jim Bunning, who happened to be a horse.


  1. those shirts are fantastic. you should only shop at that one vintage store because i'm sure there's no where else that would have shirts that awesome.
    i think i'll go "check in" with ND now.

  2. THERE IS NO CA POST-PUNK SCENE! POST-PUNK ENDED IN 1982! It is merely an umbrella genre for bands that were there for punks conception who decided they wanted to make funkier music.

    Also, how do you buy a $300 fucking concert ticket when you don't have a job. You are behaving like a 14 year old (save for the button up shirts rather than a South Park or Bret Hart shirt). As a favor to you, I will only mention this once and won't say anything in chats except that music festivals suck and are too hot.

  3. Jake, this web page suggests otherwise:

    Keep the Jim Bunning/horse jokes coming!!! (and of course the Marc Rich ones too)

  4. 1) I'm a Post-Punk purist. It's my favorite genre overall.
    2) Some of those bands (Vivian Girls & Ariel Pink at the very least) are just fuzzed out lo-fi bands with a punk influence.
    3) Besides A Certain Ratio, who has been together since the late 70s, those bands are post-punk revival. There's a huge difference.

  5. The huge difference - puffy pants!

  6. Listen to Magazine or the first few Wire albums and compare them to the Vivian Girls or Ariel Pink's Haunted Graffiti.

  7. Jake, I've READ Magazines and my computer desk is literally COVERED with Wires, and I can tell you one thing - none of them make sounds.

  8. GR8 marc rich joke. and easy jake--glenn is providing my ride to and from concert and bringing all the illegal drugs!!!!!!!

  9. What are your thoughts on Massa comparing Caligula to his tickle parties?

  10. I know I've been requesting to see these shirts for several days. But you have absolutely no idea how FREAKING AWESOME it was to see those shirts RIGHT NOW. I had no idea your taste had improved so much. I love you more now. Because of your clothes.