Archive for the Thought-Provoking Political Insight Category


Posted in Thought-Provoking Political Insight, Up-to-the-minute Scientific Breakthroughs on August 1, 2009 by butthorn

I have few concrete opinions, and it bothers me a little bit sometimes.  Not that I really want opinions; it just makes it easier to have conversations with those people you occasionally come across who seem to want to talk about smart stuff.  Man, what’s the deal with those pricks, anyway?

My guts squash themselves into a tubey, spluttering fist whenever anyone starts talking about politics, because it basically means that unless I can get away with remaining completely silent, I am going to have to reveal to everyone present that I am an unintelligent person.  I do not know what any of the people in the White House do.  Here, let me try to figure it out just relying on the knowledge I have in my brain.


PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: Goes on TV and tries to calm everybody down.

VICE PRESIDENT: Gets made fun of.

SECRETARY OF STATE: Answers phone and types up documents for PRESIDENT.

CONSTITUTION: Old bossy paper.

ABRAHAM LINCOLN: Had a beard and a jaunty top hat.  Freed the slaves.  Said that “fourscore and seven years ago” thing.  Is the only statue that gets to sit down.  Got his head blown off when he was out trying to have a nice time at a show.  Had a wife that freaked everybody out for some reason.  Is on a crappy coin and an okay bill.

GEORGE WASHINGTON: The first president there ever was.  Had white Princess Leia hair and was always very serious; a real party pooper.  Stood up on a boat and got painted, which is very American, if vain and unsafe.  Chopped down a cherry tree and invented accountability shortly thereafter.  Is on an okay coin and a crappy bill.  Had an ass that wouldn’t quit.

BEN FRANKLIN: Said a bunch of smart stuff.  Wrote with a fancy pen made out of a bird feather.  Had cool John Lennon glasses and invented lightning.  Smelled like spoiled generic whipped topping after a few days without a bath.  Is on a way better bill than those other two guys despite the fact that he gleefully employed slaves and remained seated on unpainted boat trips.

DEMOCRACY: Find out who your wife wants you to vote for and try not to forget before going into the booth.  Good opportunity to reacquaint oneself with the folksy activity of pencil-using.  Ideal occasion to practice your “smug satisfaction” face.  Enjoy free sticker.

You get the picture.  You better, anyway.  Because those are all the political terms I know.  I cannot talk to you about the war in Iraq, or at least not in such a manner that it results in an enlightening or even coherent discussion.  My rule about the Iraq War is I talk disparagingly of it when in the company of people my age and younger, and reverently, if at all, with anyone who looks to have been born before 1965.  Under no circumstances do I myself introduce the topic.  I don’t have any answers; I’m just trying to maintain a workable level of comfort.  It feels like discussions concerning current events are often one step away from people just angrily jerking off in each other’s faces.  That made a lot more sense in my head before I typed it out.  Here is my impression of every discussion involving important matters that anyone has ever had:

PERSON ONE: I think this!

PERSON TWO: I think this!

PERSON ONE: Well, I think this!

PERSON TWO: But I think this!

PERSON ONE: Well, you’re stupid!

PERSON TWO: No, you’re stupid!

PERSON ONE: You’re ignoring facts!

PERSON TWO: Well, you’re hurting my feelings!

PERSON ONE: I’m upset!

PERSON TWO: Me, too!

PERSON ONE:  Aaauggh!

PERSON TWO: Blaaaaaugghh!



PERSON THREE: Hey, I’m trying to watch “The Wraith” over here!


A good way to make sure that no one’s feelings get hurt and that people can hear “The Wraith” is to only ever talk about pizza.  Everybody likes pizza.  Anyone who says they don’t like pizza is probably a congressman and they get paid to disagree.  They’re just trying to do their job, but you should stop being friends with them because they’re going to ruin all of your nice times.  And for heaven’s sake, don’t talk about toppings; that’s asking for trouble.  Just say “Pizza, mmmmmm!” and allow several seconds for everyone else in the room to say “Mmmmm!” as well.  You have now had a nice friendly chat with friends and you should feel good about that.

I also don’t know much about science:

THE SUN: Hot thing that hurts my eyes.  Probably killing everyone.  Coming here, doot’n doo-doo.

BIOLOGY: Hard thing that I failed.  Involves frogs.

GEOLOGY: Looking at rocks tells you that things are old.

PLANTS: Green things all over the place that don’t do much.  Good with dip.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Smartest guy who ever lived, but comparisons to him directed at you are somehow rarely complimentary.  Had a silly hairdo.  Said that “e=mc squared” thing, whatever good that does anybody.

NOVA: Show about science that is good to watch because maybe they’ll show the sex one where they go up the guy’s dink.  Just make sure you shut it off before the baby part at the end.  Vaginas aren’t supposed to look like that, doot’n doo-doo.

TEST TUBES: Glass things that hold science waters.  Test tubes are as science as it gets.

FULCRUMS: Thing that the seesaw seesaws on.  Not sure what it has to do with science, but I remember it being an answer on a science test once.  Good with dip.

MITOCHONDRIA: The only word I remember from high school science class.  I don’t know what it is but I bet you my nonexistent life savings that I don’t wanna hear about it.  A helpful term to keep handy if someone is looking at you expectantly after having said a string of nonsense words and you want them to know that you understand that they are attempting to talk to you about science but you don’t necessarily want to continue the conversation.

CHEMICALS: The number two most scientific thing after test tubes.  Chemicals are science waters that burn your skin and kill you if you drink them.  You’re better off just pouring them into test tubes and pretending to find them interesting while thinking about boobs and what’s on TV tonight.  Not sure why Albert Einstein invented these.

MICROSCOPES: Oh wait, microscopes are the number two most scientific things.  Chemicals are number three.  Microscopes are really the only good thing about science, because they turn everything into a huge monster.  Only problem with microscopes is they’re kind of a lie, because if you look at salt under a microscopes, it’s a bunch of squares, and that isn’t true.  Salt isn’t squares, microscopes; you’re thinking of ice cubes.

EMERGENCY EYEWASH STATION: Where you should go when you get science in your eyes.

NEWTON: A guy who sat under a tree and an apple fell on his head and for some reason that made him realize that people can’t fly off into space.  I like to think that before that seemingly unrelated realization he yelled something fancy and old-timey like “Ow!  What in the blasted devil donnigans?!” and stood up and tried to throw the apple at the tree trunk in anger, but missed and chucked it several feet into the grass, which wasn’t nearly as satisfying, and he got up to go get the apple and try again, but couldn’t find it.  Then his pants fell down and he tripped and hit his head on a rock and he farted but it was really a poop.  Then a bunny peed on his face and a stag had sex with him then puked on his back.

GEORGE WASHINGTON CARVER: The black guy you learn about in school that isn’t Martin Luther King.  You don’t get a day off on his birthday, but he invented peanut butter, so it almost evens out.

THE KREBS CYCLE: Water falls out of the clouds, then you drink it, pee it, it goes down into the sewer, back up into tree trunks where it gets sucked out through the leaves and shot back up into the clouds again.  The ocean doesn’t get to be part of the Krebs Cycle because you can’t drink the ocean.  God just made the ocean to be weird.  Thankfully this cycle only applies to water and not food.  The world is gross enough as it is, am I right?

ANIMALS: Cute furry things that either want to kill you or entreat you to try and pull a disgusting, drool-drenched stick out of their mouth.  Good with barbecue sauce.

CARL SAGAN: Science guy who liked making stuff up about space in a relaxing voice.  If you’re gonna hang out with a science  guy, you could do worse.  Probably dead, or, failing that, wicked baked.

NASA: Tons of science guys who somehow know how to build huge rockets and shoot them up into space with guys in them.  NASA is interesting because they float around and eat food that is different from the food you or I eat.  If you want a job at NASA you should ask for the job where you get to ride cool rides, not the one where you sit around looking at computers.

DIARRHEA: A type of crapping that is very scientific.  Hard to spell.

That’s it for science.  And I don’t even want to get into math; fuck that shit in the ass with a dick.  Throw it into the trash can.  I do math all day at work, and it never gets any more interesting.  The only math I like is the math I use to buy McDonald’s with.  Greenbacks, baby.  Mucho dinero.  Wallet math, that’s what I call it.  Otherwise, math can hit the road.  I don’t even wanna do a silly list about it.

The point of this blog is I don’t know anything, but neither does anyone else.  Religion is stories from old books that make people less scared of dying and science is people looking real closely at the weird stuff going on around us and concocting an uncertain if brilliant narrative to try and pretend like humankind has any control over any of this shit.  I still haven’t figured out what politics is, other than three or four more channels that aren’t showing cartoons.  In any event, nobody has any idea what they’re talking about, so why not either settle down and enjoy one another’s company or at the very least admit that “intelligent discussions” are little more than an opportunity to impress bystanders and/or make someone else feel stupid.  Virtually nothing else has ever been accomplished through the act of speaking.  I say get out of bed, make some pals and be good to them, and enjoy the nonsensical, potentially devastating ride.  And if you figure something profound out along the way, well, you’re probably drunk.  Lay off the sauce, Plato.

That’s all for today, dummies!  Ciao!









“It’s alright.”









“The winner of this debate is Tom Brokaw.”






I see!

“Does that sound too smart?”

Not at all!

“I don’t like my opinions to be known.”






















Posted in Thought-Provoking Political Insight on September 26, 2008 by butthorn

Guess what I just read?  Ricky Gervais might host the Oscars!  I think that’s a fantastic idea.  He was the only good thing about the Emmys.  We kind of accidentally watched the Emmys in its entirety.  I had never watched them before.  Is the ceremony always that idiotic?  I know we don’t come to awards shows for their stinging wit and profound insight into the human condition, but good Lord man, that was shit!  It made us rethink the very idea of televised entertainment.  Maybe it’s not such a good idea after all.  I take that back, it is, it’s a wonderful idea, the best, my favorite thing, oh I love you.  Anyway, it would be very cool if Ricky Gervais got to host the Oscars, which means it probably won’t happen.  It’ll probably be someone unspeakably horrible, like the priest from “Deliver Us From Evil”.  Or Bill Engvall.

All right, so I’m trying to watch the debate here.  We’re about ten minutes in.  I have no idea what’s going on, as is generally the case with political programming or discussion of any sort.  I have never been able to grasp what these important men are talking about or doing.  I don’t know why they want to do what they do, nor do I understand why I should pay attention to it.  I’m sure this makes me eight different varieties of idiot, but the fact of the matter is I don’t think this world ought to be controlled by humans, or at least not the current version of human.  I think we’re going to have to go through a few upgrades before any of us know how to rule the world.  

I never understand anything they say.  Even when they’re saying things that technically make sense, I’m unable to process the statement if it’s coming out of the mouth of a man in a suit at a podium.  Right now John McCain is talking about “pork barrel spending”.  What in the name of Gerald McRaney could that possibly mean?  All that phrase does is make me want ribs.  So I’m in favor of it.  Now they’re talking about “earmarks”.  I guess it’s just a language you have to learn and speak if you want to know what the rich people are doing to make things harder and more boring for everyone.  

I haven’t understood a thing they’ve said yet.  I’m noticing that when one of them is talking, the other one kind of shuts down.  They close their eyes, they look down.  They flash a rueful smile when their opponent makes a dig.  John McCain’s tie is candy-cane colored.  They’re really talking a lot about Wall Street and Main Street.  We’re Main Street.  Did you know that?  I didn’t until this election.  Main Street.  Argh, they’re talking about pork barrel spending again!  McCain just said “Look at them, my friends!  Look at them!”  I don’t know what he wanted me to look at but it’s nice that he wants to be friends.  Obama’s ears stick out.  It kind of looks like they’d be good to chew on.  He just said a bunch of stuff about taxes that made no sense.  McCain is blatantly laughing at everything Obama is saying.  Now he just used the word “festooned” in a derisive fashion.  Not very sporting.  

You have to be good at hand gestures if you’re gonna be a president.  Obama has an impressive arsenal of hand gestures.  He likes to mime that he’s holding a small round object, like a slightly deflated volleyball, and lightly jostling it up and down in front of him.  That seems to be his go-to gesture for patient explanation of complex issues.  He also occasionally does a thing where he pinches something invisible between his thumb and forefinger and sort of pokes it forward and backward a couple times.  He tends to emphasize seemingly insignificant but secretly crucial details with this pinching motion.  Hey, he said “deductible”!  I understand that term, thanks to my job!  Last year I wouldn’t have known what that was.  It just goes to show you: you’re never too old to learn!  Another thing Obama likes to do with his hands is count on his fingers, which is a great way to get people to start paying attention.  People like lists.  He likes to indicate upcoming tribulation by thrusting his hand forcefully into the distance.    

It seems like they’re going to be talking about the financial crisis for a goodly portion of the debate.  It’s so hard to feel anything whatsoever about that thing.  I’m constantly in a financial crisis.  I don’t think I’ve ever not been in one.  See, that’s the thing, I just can’t tie what happens in Washington or New York or Afghanistan or where have you to my life at all.  I feel like it has absolutely nothing to do with me.  I’m sure this isn’t the case.  Actually, I’m not.  I’m not sure at all.  I just say that to make it seem like at least some part of me cares about politics, so that smart people might at least see me as stupid but not without hope.  I perceive no link between me and any of this.  I just don’t get it.  Annie is extremely politically minded, moreso than I ever would have guessed initially, and she can usually explain certain issues.  She’s the only person I’ve ever known who Tivos “Meet the Press”.  

The Iraq War has almost cost a trillion dollars.  And I felt guilty about buying that “I’d Rather Be Playing Tennis” mug at Goodwill today, waw waw waaaaw.  McCain likes counting on his fingers, too.  I think I’m more excited for the vice-presidential debate than this one.  I have a feeling that’s going to be impossible to look away from.  Now McCain is pretending to hold and gently shake a small round object in front of him!  Obama looks like he wants to break all McCain’s teeth out with a rock.  Somebody’s gonna throw a podium, I think.  Obama just said “brazen” and “emboldened” in the same statement.  Those are solid vocab words.  I think I’ll vote for him.  

Someone in the audience just coughed really loud.  What I would do if I were going to this debate is set it to record on the DVR, then when I was in attendance I would at some point look at my watch, write down whatever whoever is talking at the time just said, and cough as loud as I could.  Then later when I got home I’d fast-forward to the correct number of minutes and wait for the telltale phrase and listen to hear my cough and yell “THAT WAS ME!” at whomever was lucky enough to be present. Another funny thing to do as a member of the audience at the debate would be to yell “BOOO-RING!” in a nasal, sing-song fashion.  John McCain just said “The Iranians have a lousy government”.  That’s kind of a funny, not-terribly-dignified comment.  Why didn’t he just say it sucks ass, while he’s at it?  

I have to go into the kitchen and look at the food I bought tonight to determine if I want to put any of it into my mouth.  

I’m back.  I got a grape soda.  It’s very tasty.  These guys are talking about Russia now.  It’s really confusing that there’s a country called Georgia.  Obama just angrily declared “I’ve never said that I object to nuclear waste”.  That should go on a tee-shirt. 

These guys are both scrappy.  Neither is backing down.  I’m enjoying the combat of it, despite being wholly unable to follow the content.  I like the idea that neither would back down from the threat of physical confrontation, whether they were able to fight back or withstand the attack or not.  I think it would be oddly comforting for them to push aside the podium and microphone, take off their suit jackets, and just start housing on each other.  Honest and immediate and exciting and easy for everyone to understand.

That’s all I’m gonna say about the debate.  I think it’s almost over anyway.  You should be able to call in and vote for who you liked best like on “Dancing With the Stars”.  That would be a much better voting system.  That way I wouldn’t have to go to the stupid Town Hall.  I don’t even know where it is.  Anyway, in closing, I’ll probably vote for Obama but I have no intelligent reasoning for doing so, other than the fact that most of the people I know would be mad at me if I didn’t, and I only like it when people are delighted by me.  

Good night!