Impress People and Make Lifelong Friends You Will Cherish Forever!


Ever bought a piece of furniture from IKEA? At first, you're so pleased about your purchase, which has a European-sounding name, took forever to angle into the backseat of your car, and only cost $14.95 -- then you get it home and take a look at the instructions. Steps one through three are ridiculously easy, but at step four, all hell breaks loose. It's as if the instruction booklet writer realized he was almost out of space and had to tie up all the dangling plot points introduced in steps one through three -- the mystery of how the back connects to the front, for example -- in a single chapter. Ergo, you get a giant picture with fifteen arrows, enlarged insets showing screws flying into bolts, and more letters and numbers than an elementary school classroom. In step five, you get the happy ending: a smiling cartoon standing next to a dresser that doesn't fit in your bedroom. (Spoiler alert: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows ended the same way!)

Yeah, those instructions never work. Sometimes, you need to be actually shown how to do something. Like learning how to impress strangers at a party by watching stupid videos online.

Balance Forks on Glass

The setup: You're in a diner. On your way back from the bathroom, you grab a couple of toothpicks from the cashier (and a few mints). You arrive back at the table and say, "This is gonna blow your mind." Make eye contact with the best-looking girl at table the whole time.

The desired outcome: After sufficiently amazing everyone, you approach the girl later and tell her about another trick you know using the mints you grabbed from the cashier.

Whiskey vs. Water

The setup: You bet the drunkest girl in the bar that you can make a shot of whiskey and a shot of water trade glasses without using any other glasses. When she asks what the stakes are, you say, "You have sex with me." Keep eye contact despite her laughter.

The desired outcome: First she marvels at how liquids of differing densities interact at standard temperature and pressure. Later she marvels at how giving you are in bed.

Red Bull Liquid Suspension

The setup: You and your frat brothers are sitting around, drinking Red Bull and vodka, listening to Jason Mraz. You take a newly opened can of Red Bull from your friend's hand and say, "If I can turn this can over without spilling any, I get to punch you as hard as I can."

The desired outcome: While your brothers are whooping and hollering, you look your shocked friend in the eye, shrug your shoulders, and give him your best right cross. While he is passed out, you write derogatory terms on his forehead and take pictures of him with random objects, post them on College Humor, and achieve awesome fame.

Smoking Fingers

The setup: Look down the bar at a girl. Make eye contact, point to her, and then rub your fingers together producing smoke as though to suggest, "You are smokin'."

The desired outcome: To not be arrested for starting fires in public places.

Frozen Beer Trick

The setup: When you first arrive at a party, pull two beers from the fridge and put them in the freezer. Approximately half an hour later, interrupt someone's boring story with, "Hey, does anyone want to see something that's actually interesting?"

The desired outcome: You become the hit of the party. While everyone clamors, 'How did you do that?" you shrug it off saying, "It's only physics." Make pretend you know what physics is. For good measure, grab the second beer from the freezer, approach the coolest guy at the party, and offer him the beer. Tap it on the table and hand it to him. Become a hero.

Steal Zippo Flame

The setup: You are mingling at a party when you notice a girl reach into her purse for a cigarette. As she puts it in her mouth, you produce your Zippo and say, "Allow amaze you!"

The desired outcome: Come on, David Blaine dated Fiona Apple and Josie Maran. David Copperfield was married to Claudia Schiffer. There has to be something to this.

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