Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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To the dads who weren't there

Father's day passed by recently with little fanfare from most and no mention from me. For those who did note it much of the focus seemed to be on successful and present fathers. While it's true that those fathers deserve respect for their contributions to our world, what about the fathers? The ones who didn't stick around, or neglected their kids, or who were just right bastards?

Who honors them?

Now some may argue that such fathers are a parasite on our society and deserve no regard from the rest of us. They couldn't possibly be more wrong. You see neglectful absent fathers give us one of the greatest gifts mankind has ever known, and that is, the slut.

Did you know that girls who grow up without fathers are more than twice as likely to engage in premarital sexual relations before the age of 18? I'll bet you didn't. Remember those few times you got laid in high school? You have absent fathers to thank for that. Women who grew up fatherless are also 47% more likely to enjoy being spanked and 68% more likely to give regular unreciprocated oral sex. They are 52% easier to convince to let you do them without using a prophylactic. Not too shabby. But wait, it gets even better. Clothes worn by fatherless women consist of 23% less fabric by surface area and a surprising 38% less by weight. That means that fatherless girls wear tighter, skimpier clothes with more cleavage and leg showing. Can't beat that. Fatherless women are also a whopping 89% more likely to have daddy issues classified as "Severe" or higher on the Farley-Dickerson scale. This may not seem like a big deal to my younger readers, but anyone 30 or older who still wants to pick up college girls will find it a godsend. Rumor has it that these girls are also 40% more likely to agree to suck your cock for 25% less money, but I wouldn't know anything about that.

Are there disadvantages to relations with a daddyless woman? Yes. For one thing her increased sexual activity, and willingness to go without protection, means that she is 17% more likely to have that STD that puts spots on your thingee, and 21% more likely to have the one that turns it purple. She will want you to tell her you love her 33% sooner than a 'normal' woman will, and is 78% more likely to want to call you "daddy" during sex in a way that makes you feel just a little bit creepy. They also call 64% more frequently and are 12% angrier when they learn you didn't answer because you were with another woman, even if nothing you said implied the relationship was exclusive. Fatherless women are 26% more likely to become pregnant during the course of a year due to their increased volume of sex, and 7% more likely to want to keep the baby. They are also 5% more likely to slap you upside the head if you look at other women, but this finding was not deemed statistically significant.

So there are mixed results of fatherlessness on girls, but what about on boys? Well there we see a much sharper negative influence. Fatherless boys are 39% more likely to be total fucking assholes, and 37% more likely to try to take your shit when you're not looking. Fatherless dudes are 42% more likely to be holding pot or alcohol, but 68% more likely to bogart it, or at least act like they're fucking gods just because their overstressed mothers don't pay attention to how much whiskey is in the bottle she keeps in her desk. More alarmingly boys who grow up without fathers are like 55% more likely to totally try and look at your schlong in the locker-room, or ask you to compare, and like a billion percent more likely to grow up into homos. So that's a problem. Still I guess somebody needs to design dresses small enough to send normal sized women searching for a cock to help rebuild their shattered self-esteem.

As we can see there are many results of fatherlessness, some good, some bad, but we can all agree that the world would be a much worse place if there weren't at least some fatherless children in it. After all easy women and gays are critical parts of the glorious social fabric of this diverse country and overall fatherless people have 48% more hot dirty sex than those from intact homes. Perhaps it's time for us as a society to recognize the contributions of deadbeat and no show dads on the beautiful tapestry that is America and not just privilege the fathers who actually take the time to show up and be there. It's the least we could do after all they've given us.

Special note: Fatherless researchers are 48% more likely to pull statistics out of their ass than their intact home counterparts.
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