Sign up for my Blog | Allison LaTona, M.F.T. - Allison LaTona, M.F.T., 01 May 2019 21:54:25 +0000en-USSite-Server v6.0.0-19012-19012 ( to Allison&#39;s blog for valuable posts that address issues <br/>surrounding parenthood, partnerships, the journey of personal growth and <br/>life transitions.Emotional Intelligence: What we do as parents counts!Allison LaTonaWed, 24 Apr 2019 17:01:29 +0000 Intelligence (EQ), in essence, is bringing intelligence to your emotional life by knowing who you are, what you’re feeling, and how to identify and manage your emotions in relation to others.

Emotional Intelligence (EQ), in essence, is bringing intelligence to your emotional life by knowing who you are, what you’re feeling, and how to identify and manage your emotions in relation to others.  It is widely held that emotional intelligence is the key to success and happiness.

Because we now know about how much experience shapes the brain, parenting significantly impacts a child’s EQ. The first two decades of life is a critical window of opportunity to help children feel right, which will assist them to think clearly and act right. 

The cornerstone of EQ is the ability to self-soothe and self-regulate. Parents can help first by noticing and accepting your children’s emotional experience and helping them label their feeling. You may first need to de-escalate intense emotions, for instance, by encouraging calming breaths. Then it’s important to narrate what happened from the child’s point of view and express empathy with their situation. Your child learns from you that the full landscape of human emotions is acceptable, legitimate and tolerable: you understand their feelings rather than seeking to “fix” them. This gives children the respect they deserve and the time they need to make sense of their emotions and integrate them into a healthy sense of identity. Your child feels safe, supported, and okay just as they are.

Mirroring children’s experience and feelings without distortion builds self-esteem and helps them deal with life’s inevitable conflicts and disappointments. They learn, self-acceptance, appropriate emotional expression, and feel competent to solve personal problems or to repair or enhance interpersonal relationships.

The good news is that your kids aren’t the only ones who benefit. You learn EQ from teaching it. And, as you navigate life’s hurts and disappointments together, your bond will become more loving and profound.

Emotional Intelligence: What we do as parents counts!
The Gift of the TantrumAllison LaTonaMon, 22 Apr 2019 20:12:16 +0000 view tantrums as “misbehavior” and a negative experience to be disciplined and avoided, when in fact, tantrums are a natural and healthy part of normal development.

Many view tantrums as “misbehavior” and a negative experience to be disciplined and avoided, when in fact, tantrums are a natural and healthy part of normal development.  A central struggle in growing up and thus parenthood is balancing the tension of a child’s emerging sense of themselves and natural drive toward autonomy, with a child’s need for connection. 

These two basic, innate human drives of equal value run throughout the lifespan:

1) the need to move away from the parent for exploration, independence and autonomy… and

2) the need to move close to the parent for attachment, dependence, connection, and relationship.   

These polar opposite energies create intense inner conflict leading to tantrums, especially in a young child’s brain, in which making sense of emotions is limited, and emotional regulation is underdeveloped. 

As babies begin to move away from the parent, we see the beginning emergence of their own desires, preferences, and opinions start to unfold.  As a parent, this is often met with surprise to witness their once relatively ‘compliant’ baby, who accepted limits and transitions easily, now have an opinion strongly expressed through their body language and intensified tears. Babies’ natural need to become independent drives the assertion of their will, and as toddlers and preschoolers, this need only gets stronger, with more inevitable tantrums. 

Two ideas in conflict

Tantrums are essentially the conflict between two differing ideas.  What ensues in a young child is an emotional ‘storm’ that must be experienced, expressed and expelled in order to dissipate to calm.

  • mom wants me to go to sleep, and I don’t want to!

  • dad needs to use his keys, and I want to play with them!

  • mom says it’s time to say goodbye, and I want to keep playing!

  • dad is serving eggs, and I want a cookie!

  • mom wants to go home after school, and I want to go for ice cream!

  • dad says only 30 minutes of TV, and I want to watch another show!

When a child experiences this conflict in which their desire, idea, or plan is not met for any reason, they not only feel the frustration of not getting what they want, but also the reality that they are a separate being with their own ideas.  Defining themselves in the face of a different idea is a moment of separation from their parent, which adds to their distress, as they have an equal need to feel connected.  This causes great emotional turmoil for a young child.  With little insight, and limited ability to regulate emotion, they need help calming their feelings from a loving presence.  This is where a parent’s understanding and perspective is critically important in turning this experience into a gift for the child. 

A learning opportunity

When a parent appreciates the essential developmental need for the child to become their own person with a sense of ‘power’, they can empathically help their child to calm down.  When instead a parent views a tantrum as misbehavior (eg. “bratty”) to be stopped or ‘punished’, the child misses out on many levels. The intuitive response is often to ‘fix’, distract, or ‘rescue’ the child’s feelings, so as to avoid the tantrum, but not only is this a missed learning opportunity, but also inadvertently sends the wrong message …a message that their feelings aren’t tolerable and need to go away.  This is not helpful in building important skills.  Rather what your child needs is to feel ‘felt’ or understood through acknowledgment, validation, and sometimes touch.  They need you to be their co-regulator, and ‘container’…an accepting presence and space that can tolerate their big feelings.  As you model your empathy and acceptance of ALL their feelings, they learn to tolerate their own feelings.  This is the gift of the tantrum.

When a child learns that they can experience their idea not being honored in a given moment, wrestle with the conflict, have big volatile feelings with an inner collapse… but then, put themselves back together again, without getting what they wanted, and discover they are okay... they gain critical life skills…and the gift of resilience. 

The gift is multi-layered

Within the resilience, children develop skills of emotional intelligence: handling delayed gratification, self-soothing, and frustration tolerance that will serve them well in life as they face the daily life obstacles, disappointments, and frustrations that are part of the human experience.  This takes lots of practice over the months and years of a child’s life, but is incredibly fruitful in the long view.

Lastly, when a child experiences empathy and attunement to his/her feelings growing up, a secure attachment develops, which ultimately fosters executive functioning skills in adulthood of emotional and physical regulation, flexibility, insight, self-awareness, judgment, focus, planning and decision making. 

The gift of a secure attachment is a foundation for life to thrive and meet one’s potential. 

Truth be told, as parents it is not always easy or possible to choose this mindful road in dealing with your child’s tantrums.It takes insight and emotional resources, which may not always be accessible in the moment.The good news for parents is your child doesn’t need this experience every time to gain the gifts… they do need regular practice and demonstration of the empathic response to a tantrum over the years, but they don’t need it a hundred percent of the time.And of course, there is always the opportunity as a parent to revisit and repair a misattuned moment if needed.Progress not perfection and the gifts will still show themselves.

The Gift of the Tantrum
Growing a Solid Foundationgia bocciWed, 16 Jan 2019 00:00:00 +0000 a child to become an adult who thrives requires building a solid foundation from the start. 


When I became a mom almost 20 years ago, my whole world view took a dramatic shift. I was in awe of the profound sense of love and connection I felt with my baby boy.  I was deeply struck by this blessed life, privilege, and opportunity I had before me to nurture a connected relationship of safety and security, to teach and guide with limits, and ultimately give a foundation that would significantly impact the quality of his life as a child and experience in adulthood. 

In my practice, I had been seeing families, children, young adults and couples with early attachment issues, school & behavior challenges, difficulties in relationships, dysfunctional communication styles, self-esteem issues, and various other life struggles.  As I looked at my son, I felt a great sense of optimism in being given the chance to foster a lifelong connection, give experiences, and to mindfully parent, so as to give him a foundation that would pave the way for him to reach his potential.  Now as a mom, I had a deeper understanding of my academia and professional experience.  My master’s degree, training, and licensure now combined with my personal experience of motherhood, and birthed a new passion that fueled my work. 

Building a strong foundation:

From birth, the two most important ingredients to a solid foundation are:

1)    a connected, attuned relationship, responding with presence to cues of communication, thereby fostering a sense of reciprocity, safety, security, trust, and significance


2)    providing lots of opportunity for movement, which optimally fires and wires brain connections, and gives the experience of their body becoming a vehicle for learning, as it facilitates exploration of their environment and engagement of interpersonal connections

These two ingredients are interdependent, as the safety of an attuned relationship is what allows for the movement away and exploration.  The mother (or primary caregiver) is the secure-base from which to feel safe enough to move away, explore, and learn in order to become an autonomous individual.  The child moves back and forth from this secure relationship to the exploration of the world throughout childhood.  Building a solid foundation, a multilayered process through adolescence, facilitates ease of individuation, quality of connections, and skill development. 

Practice attunement:

As parents, we begin to pave our babies’ foundation by reading and responding to their cues of communication, not just their tears, but also paying attention to the subtle gestural, and non-verbal communication from their bodies and eyes, and tending to appropriately.  When parents are consistently available and notice what their child is expressing, and respond with warmth to meet their need for connection or otherwise, the baby feels their communication has meaning, their feelings are valid, and there is someone in their world understanding them.  This gives the baby a deep sense of feeling ‘felt’, connectedness and security, which fosters a secure attachment. Children continue to need attunement as they grow throughout childhood and adolescence. 

Fostering a secure attachment:

A secure attachment is at the core of thriving as an adult.   Researchers have found that those who have developed a secure attachment in early childhood grow up more adaptable to life’s stressors, experience more fulfilling relationships, have respect from peers, and meet their intellectual potential.  This attachment style is rooted in how a child experienced patterns of interaction from their early caregivers, and is independent of inborn temperament or other genetic factors.  Brain studies have further shown that those with a secure attachment style have optimal outcomes in executive functioning skills, such as: emotional regulation, physical regulation, flexibility, insight, self-awareness, empathy, planning, focus, decision-making, judgment and morality.  These are all skills we want our children to be equipped with as adults, thus the early work of building their foundation is an essential gift.  Early moments of love, nurturance and responsive connection matter.

Perfection is not the goal:

Hearing the realities of what a child needs and how this can so significantly impact their future can feel daunting, and even worrisome to some.  When done well, raising a child is an enormous commitment and responsibility.  Most parents want to give their children the best they can. However, some parents themselves have not been given the gift of a solid foundation in their own childhood, and therefore wonder if they have the capacity to provide it. 

The encouraging news is the research shows that as long as an adult works therapeutically to make sense of their childhood experience, thus creating a “coherent narrative”, they can be free to parent consciously, rather than be programmed by their early experience.  In other words, if you had a traumatic or dysfunctional childhood experience and/or you were not parented optimally, you can still parent well if you so choose.  Additionally, as much as children need an attuned caregiver, children don’t need this a hundred percent of the time!  There will be many less-than-perfect moments on this parenting journey, and a solid foundation can still be developed.  Children don’t need perfect, as there is no such thing in reality, and it’s good for them to experience that too.  They need regular practice and demonstration of these respectful and connected moments, but they don’t need it all the time. 

In the inevitable “low-road” moment, parents can “revisit & repair” by reconnecting with their child, acknowledging feelings, and taking responsibility for the less than ideal way in which an interaction was handled.  Parents can feel assured that these moments can be just as valuable, in that they demonstrate parents aren’t perfect (so they don’t have to be), model accountability, foster forgiveness, and promote healing. Misattuned moments demonstrate the reality in relationships that conflict can foster growth and intimacy, and build resilience.

Developing and maintaining routine and schedule:

Part of feeling safe and secure for a solid foundation is knowing what to expect. For babies and young children, routine and schedule help to provide this and are the beginning of discipline.  As a child often resists the transition and separation to sleep, a daily structure (with flexibility) also facilitates valuable skills of self-soothing, frustration tolerance, and delayed gratification, as well as gives the opportunity to gain essential sleep needed to grow and be refueled to explore and learn.

What naturally unfolds when mindfully reading babies’ communication is the development of a schedule and routine.  Babies’ threshold for taking in the world is very small.  They can only take in small bits of their new sensory-rich environment at a time, until they inevitably become overstimulated and overtired.  When the parent responds to these ‘tired’ cues by giving the baby the opportunity to sleep, and repeats this throughout the day, a pattern evolves.  As much of a commitment as this is for parents, it is truly a gift to a child, who grows, develops capabilities, recharges, and learns optimally.  Their world feels predictable.

The value of movement:

Giving a baby the experience of moving freely with lots of floor-time wires important connections in the brain, and allows their whole body to become a vehicle for learning.  As babies begin to roll and crawl, these developments allow for exploration of their environment and increased interaction in the interpersonal world, both promoting connections and discovery. 

It may seem obvious to let your child move, yet parents are enticed by the consumer world of product and technology, with contraptions such as the ‘bouncy’ and ‘bumbo’ seats, exersaucers, swings, walkers, etc.  As parents seek to give their child the ‘best’ and to seemingly make life a bit easier, these contraptions seem like a need, when in fact, they actually can inhibit development.  Although limited use of these products is likely harmless, overuse of contraptions, which restrict your baby from moving freely, can take away their tolerance for the ‘work’ they need to do on the floor.  This ‘work’ invites valuable problem-solving through struggle, which drives the sequence of developments, ultimately leading to their milestones (eg. on back reach to side, roll to side, roll to tummy, push to hands and knees, push back into sitting position, transition back to crawl, pull to stand, let go to walk).  When given the opportunity to develop this sequence naturally, babies are most efficient in their movement allowing ease of exploration, confidence, and competence.

Movement continues to be important as children grow.  Television and technology are the main culprits of limiting children’s movement, problem-solving, imagination and skill development, as well as their interactions with people and the environment.  Movement also impacts behavior, as most need an outlet of expression through activity to feel balanced.  As parents give their children lots of opportunity to engage their world through movement, which involves setting limits and making mindful choices, they foster the development of many critical skills for a solid foundation.

Words matter:

How parents choose to communicate with their child also impacts the quality of their foundation.  Respectful and clear communication that honors your child as a human being is deserved and essential to their well-being.  When parents are mindful of how they communicate with their child, including validation of their feelings, mindful semantics, and positive discipline, a child is more likely to listen and cooperate. 

Many parents weren’t communicated with respectfully or effectively, impacting their ability to do so with their own children.  Yet a parent can always do the work in therapy to make sense of the pain and hurt they felt when communicated with poorly, and then be free to more consciously communicate with their child. 

It may just be words or gestures, but they significantly impact your child’s experience and foundation. 

Maintain appropriate balance of power:

As babies begin to roll and crawl away from their parent, the natural process of seeking autonomy and independence commences.  As this is an essential developmental task of the child, parents need to support the exploration with limits.  This is a major balancing act in the journey of parenthood.  It is relatively easy to allow your child to explore freely in a fully babyproofed space with no time agenda on the part of the parent.  Yet when the parent needs to set limits for safety, or otherwise, and has to transition to the next activity, and the child’s sense of his/her own opinions, desires, preferences has emerged (around 8-10+ mos.), the limits are often met with protest. This is when parents can attune to their feelings by giving acknowledgement and validation, and redirect them to what they can have or do.  This is will be theme as long as you are raising your children.

Children need limits to feel security. Although they will protest them with their own emerging desires, they ultimately feel safe when the limits are there, and are held firm.  When limits are scarce, the child feels too much power.  Children with too much power will manifest misbehavior and look for limits.  Although children must seek autonomy, they do best with just a limited and appropriate amount of power.  This can be in the form of a choice, such as the “pink or purple cup?”, or an open-ended question, such as “what do you want to put in the bath?” or “where does that go?” which will invite their thinking to increase cooperation, but will give a parameter around the scope of their power.  This involves a coming alongside your child, instead of up-against them, thereby creating a win-win outcome, rather than a power struggle.  The parent ‘wins’ getting their child to move in the direction they need them to go, and the child ‘wins’ because they felt powerful along the way.  Finding this balance will create a solid foundation for your child, as with limits, children not only internalize safety, but gain lots of practice in emotional and physical regulation serving them into adulthood.

Be your child’s container:

Part of having a solid foundation is having the capacity for emotional and physical regulation, self- awareness, insight and empathy.  We now know that these are executive functioning skills and develop in the prefrontal cortex of the brain, taking 25 years to develop.  Children then have a journey ahead of learning these skills, which amounts to a lot of tears fairly often.  When children are having big feelings and aren’t able to regulate their emotions right away, they are showing us they need help.  Parents are a child’s regulator, as their presence calms and contains the child. 

Children need to express their emotions and have someone in their life who gives them a sense of “feeling felt” and validation.  This is an essential ingredient to a sense of ourselves and well-being.  This does not require you to fix or rescue their feelings, which is often the intuitive response.  Rather, children just need acknowledgment and validation in order to rebalance themselves. 

Being a container of emotion allows for expression without judgement, and a model for emotional tolerance.  When children see their parent tolerating their emotions, they learn to tolerate their own.  A parent’s ability to contain, tolerate and validate their child’s emotions is contingent on the parent’s history around emotions, temperament, and resources in the moment.  Self-care is at the core of giving the parent the ‘bandwidth’ to be able to meet their child’s needs, especially in the midst of a tantrum.  This is definitely not always easy, and yet an important aspect to a child’s foundation. 

It’s a surreal experience to be looking back on the foundation my husband and I have built for our 17- and 19-year-old children.  The old adage “the days are long, and the years are short” resonates. The journey has been rich with fulfillment, deeply rewarding, and yes, of course, often challenging.  There were lots of moments and days I felt pleased with my mindful parenting style, my presence, tone, curated semantics and effective tools, and there were plenty of moments where I fell short, was reactive, and said or did the less than ideal.  It is these challenging moments and periods that have brought on some sort of growth, be it within my child, our relationship, or within us as parents.  I remind often, I teach the ‘ideal’, but am a human being, who falls short of that plenty.  Even with this truth, we did it “right” enough of the time to pave a solid foundation for our kids.  I feel a sense of gratitude witnessing who they are becoming and the many ‘fruit of our labor’. 

Growing a Solid Foundation
You are the CEO of your familyAllison LaTonaWed, 02 Jan 2019 00:00:00 +0000 my experience most parents agree on the goal of raising a child who is kind, empathic, generous, honest, responsible, independent, self-motivated, hard-working, resilient, conscientious, insightful, flexible, and altruistic.

In my experience most parents agree on the goal of raising a child who is kind, empathic, generous, honest, responsible, independent, self-motivated, hard-working, resilient, conscientious, insightful, flexible, and altruistic.  They want their child to be a creative problem-solver, an innovator, a planner, a thoughtful decision-maker, with sound judgement, values, and a moral compass.  These qualities and characteristics combine to create a thriving individual with upstanding citizenship.  However, they are not necessarily inherent in a baby and young child, rather, they are simply a potential.  They must be fostered with love, attunement, commitment, limits, diligence and persistence.   

Although most want to raise a child with all of these qualities and more, many don’t realize what this takes over the course of the journey.  It requires daily consistency, resources, self-discipline, acceptance, patience, faith, self-awareness, and willingness to grow, along with an understanding of child development.  Raising children who develop the qualities and values needed to thrive in this world is a complex undertaking and journey that is optimized by an overarching vision of raising an adult, along with partnership, communication and collaboration.

It is with this charge for what is required in raising a child optimally that I use the metaphor of a thriving business.  This is especially helpful when moms struggle to get their partner aligned with the teachings they are working to implement.

As parents, YOU are the CEO’s of your family.  There are no successful businesses that exist without a foundation of a comprehensive business plan.  How this plan is developed and implemented is initiated and overseen by the CEO, but not without a lot of collaboration. 

Any successful corporation has a vision, articulated through a mission statement with objectives.  In order to meet objectives, they must have goals that service them.  There are then daily, smaller tasks and routines that meet the goals, objectives, and eventually the larger vision.  Successful CEO’s have regular meetings with their team to communicate and ensure that their daily tasks are being implemented in the most efficient and effective manner to achieve their goals, objectives, and vision.  They must expect to be present a lot, and listen to their team to optimize relationships and increase cooperation. 

Challenges and struggles in methodology and otherwise are discussed, along with problem-solving with new ideas and plans.  Sometimes CEO’s realize they need to expand or modify their objectives and develop additional goals to more comprehensively meet their vision.  Respectful interaction amongst the team is critical to the morale and consequent success of the business.  CEO’s often have to grow in this process, taking a look at themselves when it becomes apparent there is something in the way to achieving their purpose.  Sometimes they need to build new skills or consult with outside professionals to gain insight and new tools.  Success requires commitment, consistency, communication, and collaboration on all actions and interactions that fuel the vision. 

Raising a child who thrives as an adult requires both a connected presence and appropriate limits from a loving parent.  And…YOU, as parents, must be the CEO’s of your family!

When there are two parents, many accept themselves as the CEO, and their partner as the CFO.  Although I know it’s a reality and necessity that each partner contributes different strengths/skills to the household, collaboration on raising your children is still critically important for optimal success. In a successful business CEO’s and CFO’s collaborate and share responsibility to meet the vision of the company.  

If your child is fortunate enough to be living with two parents, both should be a part of raising them, as it is beneficial for your child to experience both.  For example, when both are home, either parent should be engaged in holding and following through on appropriate limits, as well as helping their child through a tantrum, rather than one parent primarily being the “disciplinarian” and the other just being the “fun” parent.  I recognize parents sharing 50/50 responsibility is rarely a reality…this isn’t about always being equal, rather when both parents are home and available, either parent can execute the plan that serves the agreed upon vision for their child.  If you are a single parent, then enlisting surrounding family or friends to be a part of contributing to the larger vision is important.  Of course, two parent households benefit from family and friends being involved in their child’s life as well.   It takes a village!

Parents as “CEO’s of the family” have regular meetings and communication to discuss:

Parenting Philosophy: Parents need to communicate about their beliefs on child rearing and their vision for raising their child.  Discussing what a child needs to thrive, how feelings should be addressed, and how to understand behavior is at the core of this dialogue.

Additionally, one may want to parent either similarly or different from their family of origin.  Making sense of one’s childhood in a therapeutic context to create a coherent narrative can free a parent to choose how they want to parent, versus the inevitability of unconsciously repeating negative patterns.

Power Balance: Discussing the different parenting styles can be helpful to develop a collaborative approach. 

In simple terms:

The Authoritarian parent uses high limits, low warmth. 

The Democratic parent uses low limits, high warmth. 

The Authoritative parent uses high limits, high warmth. 

We know that children thrive best when there is an appropriate balance of power in the family.  Children need a limited, appropriate amount of power as they pursue autonomy, but too much power leaves them feeling unsafe.  Limits therefore are an inseparable part of the loving experience.  The authoritative parenting style gives a child the optimal ingredients of needing lots of love with plenty of limits. 

Child Development: Understanding a child’s development at each age is critical to having appropriate expectations and parenting effectively.  Daily routines, interactions, and discipline needs to align with where your child is in their development.  As this is dynamic and constantly changing, regular communication regarding development is critical to meeting your family vision.

Parenting technique and tools:  Parents discussing techniques and tools that work to serve their objectives, goals, and greater vision is important.  Philosophy and understanding development will help shape what is agreed upon.  Important in this conversation is defining discipline appropriately, i.e. to teach and to guide, versus to punish; as well as how to do so positively, through connection, validation and redirection.  Additionally, understanding behavior as communication will help guide parents to more effectively choose the optimal response, as they evaluate if the behavior is for attention, power, revenge, etc.  Having a conversation about the importance of allowing feelings will also help guide choices around dealing with behavior.  Referring back to what skills, qualities, and values you want your child to gain is critical in your daily interactions and responses serving the larger vision.

Skills to develop: Parents typically want their child to have self-esteem to help them thrive in the world, yet often don’t realize how that unfolds.  To develop self-esteem, children need two important ingredients.  First, they need to feel felt, which means they need to feel there is someone in their world who gets them, who attunes to their feelings on a regular basis.  Secondly, children need to feel competent, which they will only gain when they have developed skills.  The way in which children build skills is through parents giving lots of opportunities for them to do things for themselves from very early on.  This requires parents to step back, and adopt a stance of “watch, wait, and wonder” before intervening, giving the child the opportunity to struggle through a challenge, tolerate frustration, self-soothe, and problem-solve.  This is easier said than done, and is about finding the right balance…we don’t want children to be under-frustrated, where they then don’t need to build skills, and we don’t want them to be over-frustrated, where they give up.  Understanding the importance of this together is at the foundation of a child’s well-being, and is a ‘tightrope’ to walk as a parent. 

Values to impart:  Parents should share what values they each hold dear and want to impart onto their children.  Modeling is a significant teacher, so parents modeling the values they want to impart is the most impactful.  Additionally, daily interactions, routines, rituals, and limits all service these values being developed. 

Examples of values: Family, Health, Love, Integrity, Respect, Compassion, Caring, Service, Cooperation, Responsibility, Dedication, Commitment, Contribution, Excellence, Innovation, Teamwork, Inclusion…

Qualities to develop: Similar to values, parents need to discuss what qualities they want to see develop in their children.  Again, modeling is the most valuable teacher, so parents modeling the qualities they want to raise will be the most impactful. Daily interactions, routines and limits also fuel the development of valued qualities. 

Examples of qualities:  Whole-Hearted, Emotional Intelligence, Trustworthy, Courageous, Authenticity, Resiliency, Flexibility, Insightful, Creative, Innovative, Citizenship, Forgiveness, Gratitude, Humility…

Family Mission Statement:  After discussing the set of values and qualities parents want for their child, along with the other factors mentioned, a mission statement can be developed.  Everything you do on a daily basis with your children connects to your family mission statement.


In our family, we listen to one another.

In our family, we are kind.

In our family, we are truth-tellers.

In our family, we help others.

In our family, we are caring.

In our family, we honor our commitments.

In our family, we ….

Raising a child who thrives as an adult, rather than just survives, requires parents to be the CEO’s of the family, communicating, planning, modifying, growing and being thoughtful as they look ahead at the big picture.  Always keeping in mind that we are raising adults, not just children, will guide your choices.  It will inspire you to be a proactive parent for the long-term gain preparing them for adulthood, versus a reactive parent for the short-term gain or relief of the moment.  This is no easy ‘project’, but hard work pays off with many fruits of your labor.

I share this valuable metaphor as a guiding force in my own family.  My husband and I had, and still have regular meetings and daily communications about what we envisioned for our children, and how our daily set out to meet that.  I see our partnership in parenting as CEO’s of our family as an essential ingredient in our kids’ success.  I can truly say the “proof is in the pudding”, as I witness the beautiful outcomes that have unfolded.  There have definitely been some surprise outcomes beyond our vision that have required growth and acceptance, but it’s all good.  I am so grateful and feel fortunate to share this wisdom hopefully to inspire others.

You are the CEO of your family
Growth through Relationship gia bocciSat, 15 Dec 2018 23:00:00 +0000 my work, I see the tree as a perfect metaphor of the process of development in a child, an individual, a marriage, and as parents.

In my work, I see the tree as a perfect metaphor of the process of development in a child, an individual, a marriage, and as parents.  The slow and cumulative growth of the tree from seed to maturity, which reflects the cycles of nature, teaches us to be diligent, patient and trusting as we tend to the natural changes that are part of evolution.

I inherently borrow from the symbolic stages of a tree’s life to guide parents in embracing the challenges they face on their journey. The baby, like the seedling, is inherently perfect, with magnificent potential, who needs a nurturing environment (rich soil), time and attention (cultivation), the essential life source of love (water), and limits (pruning) to grow into his or her fullest form. Seasonal changes, like life experiences, including achievements and frustrations, as well as gains and losses, are the context that shapes development. It is a challenge requiring both faith and time. If properly tended, the fruitful outcome of good parenting is a child with meaningful skills, admirable values, and resilience in character.

Mindful parenting offers both child and adult an opportunity to develop critical psychological skills and evolve toward greater wholeness. Children, for instance, can learn self-soothing, impulse control, frustration tolerance, delayed gratification, self-reliance, self-motivation and empathy. Moreover, parents are called upon to learn and grow beyond their comfort zone. Raising a child inspires, and often requires them to examine their own unexplored beliefs, assumptions, and practices developed in childhood that may be interfering with their parenting effectiveness. 

Marriage presents different challenges than parenting. What they share is a dynamic quality that requires a similar appreciation of growth. As each partner grows as an individual, so too does the marriage as a whole. Such growth can be very difficult at times, but the same attitude that makes good parenting possible—seeing the evolution of the marriage as a process of cultivation that requires love, attention, acceptance, and faith—will help partners experience the fruits of a thriving marriage.

Tending this process is my life passion.

Growth through Relationship
Mother’s CircleAllison LaTonaSat, 01 Dec 2018 23:00:00 +0000 catapulted me into the experience of the power of relationship and connection in the development of a child.

Although as a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, facilitating parenting groups was never in my early career vision, I was led to this journey by the blessed birth of my son, and then daughter, who both opened me to a profound new sense of myself.  My identity as a woman, wife, and therapist went through significant transformation, while discovering a new layer of purpose. 

Through the lens of my then relationship of 15 years, I long had a passion for the power of relationship as a catalyst to growth in oneself and as a couple.  bv  An expansion of myself was born and the marriage of my two passions of growth in partnership and parenting have become my life’s work.

Over the last 2 decades, I have been blessed with the opportunity to facilitate weekly and monthly parent discussion groups.  The discussions are fueled primarily by mother’s issues, concerns, questions, and topics, and are immersed in the surrounding support of the mother’s circle.  Through this experience, it continues to be clear to me how women need other women on this journey of raising children.  In previous generations, this need was tended to by grandmothers, aunts and community members. Although today some are fortunate enough to have this support, often the familial relationships are afar, and not able to support the daily needs of the mother.

Parenting babies and young children is filled with a multitude of daily joys and challenges.  It is an all-encompassing, sometimes isolating experience, full of emotional ups and downs, made easier and more fulfilling with partnership, support, information, insight and tools.  Mothers gathering with similar-aged children, learning and sharing together, generates a sense of connection, confidence and purpose.  The mother’s circle becomes a supportive vessel through which a mother grows into the mother she comes to vision for herself.  

I have guided thousands of mothers on their journey of motherhood, beginning with the experience of the ‘birth of the mother’: a process of re-shaping identity, which includes the loss of certain aspects of themselves, in order to encompass their new role as mother; along with discovering and growing new parts of themselves that allow for them to more mindfully nurture, connect, and provide for their child.  The community and power of the mother’s circle has a significant impact on how a mother experiences this process and journey.

In the midst of this transformative time is much learning about the development and communication of their baby/child, with emphasis on how their connection and relationship plays a primary role in all aspects of their growth.  Along with the many teaching moments and guidance, fellow moms share their struggles, triumphs, and ideas, which further connect and inspire one another. 

Over the weeks, months and years, I get to be witness and facilitator of a parallel, yet interdependent growth process of the developing mother and the developing child. Facilitating the circle, and community, in which this development unfolds and thrives is an essential component of the process.

Mother’s Circle