Born after 1980? You’ll have no idea what this device is.

il_570xN.603588785_arolWEST PALM BEACH, FLA. – If you were born after 1980 you’ve probably never seen this device before, and you likely don’t even know what it was used for.  But if you were born in the age of self-control, you’re parents may have made you wear this, and if so, you’re likely thanking them today.

This male anti-masturbation device, known as an “Ouch Pouch,” was once so common you could pick one up at any gas station, just in case that urge hit you while you were pumping gas or cleaning your windshield.

The device is cleverly designed to provide a fool-proof protective steel sheath around the offending member, while simultaneously dealing a punishing jab to the user’s perineum in case a random erection strikes. It was so simple, effective and brilliant at the same time.

Until one dark day in 1980. The porn industry, which was at its height in the free-wheeling 1970s, successfully convinced the powers that be to prohibit the sale or transfer of any such devices.

President Carter abolished
the sale of “ouch pouches”
with the stroke of a pen



Sadly, these useful devices went the way of the Dodo bird with President Jimmy Carter’s final executive order (Presidential Executive Order #283) which, among other things, banned all devices used to prevent masturbation.

Coincidentally, the Executive Order also granted a pardon to pop star icon and pornographic literature mogul Rupert Holmes.
“Ouch Pouch” pictured next
to an ordinary can for size

DID YOU KNOW? – B.L.U.F.F. has no less than 52 “Ouch Pouches” on the Special Collections floor of its library. Admission is free to B.L.U.F.F. students and faculty and requires a signed pass for registered visitors. 4th Floor, B.L.U.F.F. Library

24 Comments on Born after 1980? You’ll have no idea what this device is.

  1. If president carter banned all devices used to prevent masturbation, doesn’t that make the Anti Masturbation Cross illegal?

  2. even if this ‘ouch pouch’ WAS real, it would be banned for THE MUTILATION OF GENITALIA!

    • It’s a what? That doesn’t even resemble a funnel. I suppose if you snort the L.S.D.’s or pot all day you start to see things. You were obviously born in the ’80s or ’90s. We had to wear these when we went to school, on field trips and at church. They didn’t call them “Ouch Pouches” for nothing.

  3. Is this website real. I trying to find a way to report the Anti Masturbation Cross but tbgahis website seem to dumb to be real

  4. If this device was supposedly never banned as some of you say, how come you can’t find them any more except at the B.L.U.F.F. library? I’ve searched everywhere to find one for my son, including even on the world wide web. They don’t sell them anymore and Jimmy Carter and Big Porn are the reasons why.

  5. Sale and transfer was banned by Carter’s Executive Order but you could still own them as a citizen or trust as they were grandfathered in at the time. The ones in the FaithFacts Special Collection are privately owned and have been in the same hands for decades.

  6. Damn those LIEberal Commies for doing away with such an effective anti self-rape device. The world is a worse place for it!

  7. I quit masturbating after my penis doubled in size from the constant external longitudinal forces I’d administered on it. It’s the diameter of a string bean but now I’m a FULL 4″

  8. I bet the founder of this site is jerking off while reading all our reactions (is jerking off the same as marturbating?)

  9. This site is a joke. Masturbation is not the cause of all the harm in the world. The cause is from people who want to just harm people, and those who force there religion onto others. I myself am a Christian, but yet I masturbate. Yet I am a good person, who puts others needs above my own. See masturbation is not the blame, bad people are.. Bad people include animal abusers, as well as murderers, child molesters, rapists, and people who go around putting a finger in others faces saying “you are a sinful person, who is goanna burn in hell! (Yet that person is just a random person on the street walking home from work)” Anyone who puts there child in a device like these things, should be ashamed.. Instead try talking to your child when they get to that age. Why go right to “lets put them in things that can hurt them!” Yep shows what “great” parents you are. Wanting to harm your child “for the greater good” Lets see how many of those kids, grow up to hate you, and run off. Love your child, not hurt them duh…

    • How did you know? It is, in fact, a joke. Apparently, you still didn’t get it, despite pointing it out.

      • Yeah I did get it. I was also pointing out why masturbation is not the cause, to what they are implying it to be.

  10. Everyone who is posting, if you look. You automatically get “10 Pray Against” as soon as you post lol. Yep this site is fake, just someone who is bored, and hates masturbation. Probly a person who was put threw that surgery to make it, so they can never feel pleasure in sex, or masturbation, and wants the world to suffer with them.

    • You are wrong. A pro-masturbation hacker has written a script to generate the fake “pray againsts” We are working to stop it if it has not been fixed already.

  11. -This is an oil can opener…… Used for simple purposes such as opening an oil can and nothing else. This is why it is proper for this device to be next to a can of oil, this is a simple tool. Photo and credit due:
    -The photos of Jimmy Carter is just a picture of Jimmy Carter working at his desk during 444 day hostage situation in Iran , if he was to be signing an order than he would have the associates of the bill standing around him to moniter.
    Photo and credit due:
    -EXECUTIVE ORDER NO. 283 July 25, 1987 was not to “among other things, banned all devices used to prevent masturbation.” But it was “WHEREAS, the nature and purpose of travel of certain individuals necessitate that they should not be subject to the travel tax or, as the case may be, that they should pay the reduced or preferential travel tax rates”. Nowhere in this order does it say anything about banning these devices. You may read it at your pleasure as I do hope you will because you may think about throwing a random untrue fact into the mix.
    A link is here:

    I do hope you read these links and reaserch and find at they are true.

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