An Outsider’s Guide to Exploring Portland {I Heart Jim Gaffigan}

Sometimes, you post to Jim Gaffigan’s page two days before he comes to town and think you’re funny until you hit “done” and then immediately regret it but can’t find it to take it down. Your FaceBook app is glitchy and it hates you after updating it.  But then you’re already in bed and are too lazy to get up and change it on the computer so you say Eff It and go to sleep.

Then you decide to out yourself immediately the next morning because maybe it will make it less worse (it doesn’t) and make someone feel better about themselves (they won’t).

Sorry, Jim. And also, welcome to my favorite city.

Hot Pockets Forevah,



Dear Jim,

I know you probably have one million posts to read and you give them to an unpaid, yet over-eager intern to sift through. I get it.


While you are in Portland, I have four appropriate recommendations for you. And as Portland’s ONLY family/food blogger, I think you should take my advice to heart about the best places to eat and drink while you are in my town.

1. Chain restaurants. They’re family friendly and CONSISTENTLY serve mediocre food every single time no matter where you are. Some folks might want to devour a Lardo  Pork Meatball Bahn Mi or anything The Woodsman Tavern has ever served. Skip it. Go for what you know.

2. Voodoo Donuts. Never has there been a donut place so revered. Go there. Wait in the hour long line (or delegate yourself this task, Intern) for a novelty donut that tastes like every other donut ever. Blue Star might have artisan ingredients like milk gleaned by a monk from a free-roaming cow and straight up liquor instead of mystery creme filling in their donuts. It’s no matter. A donut shaped like Texas(s) is waaaaay better.

3. Hit every Portlandia landmark. Laugh ironically as you pull out your Apple II-e and compare jokes with people in the park. Feel victorious because you are taking hipsterdom to a whole new level. Skip the lesser known places like St John’sRocky Butte and Sauvie Island because they’re super unpopular amongst tourists and way too straightforward in their greatness.

4. CBIC Trifecta – Coffee. Beer. Ice Cream. These locally crafted treats are incredibly overrated. Instead of opting for Sterling Coffee, a pint at Breakside, or fresh waffle cone packed with salted chocolate ganache ice cream with caramel ribbons from stupid Salt & Straw, there’s a strip mall in Beaverton that has a Starbucks, liquor store, and Baskin & Robbins sure to make your toes curl with delight. Plus, you have the opportunity to run into Phil Knight over there. He’s a REAL celebrity. You can totally fangirl him.

If you, or your beleaguered intern, need any more recommendations, please feel free to ask! I would just shout this to you at your show, (Because who doesn’t love a good recommendation or opinion in the middle of a standup routine? Just ask Demitri Martin.), but we missed our window to buy tickets. Which is ultimately for the best because we decided instead to prepay our two year-old son’s college tuition 18 years ahead of schedule. Inflation, bro. Go class of 2035!

May all the delightful Portland weirdness find you here,