Saturday, November 16, 2013

Mithrael's Manifatso

It's time for me to get really fat--and I don't mean for the holidays. After reaching my goal of weighing 180 lbs on my 50th birthday, I wasn't sure what, if anything, I wanted to do next. Continuing to lose weight was not an option, because, frankly, dieting sucked and I got no enjoyment from being thinner. Maintaining a more comfortable weight, like 200 lbs, would have been the smart choice, but I rarely make those and couldn't find a conviction, like turning 50, to supply the necessary motivation. I was about to settle for "whatever" until one day I was overcome with a fiery passion to become obese...yes, you read that correctly, obese. Why on earth would anyone intentionally run in the opposite direction of conventional wisdom? Oh, wait, that's an answer not a question. Here are some others:

● I'm one crazy mofo (aka father).
● I hate being cold. Hello fat, goodbye fartcicles.
● I could feel my butt bones crunch at 180 lbs. It felt like sitting on marbles. Why pay $1000 for a La-Z Boy, when I could just be one?
● No longer will anyone question why I'm wearing sweat pants--they'll always be in style for my weight class!
● Working out will be far easier. I'll be able to break a sweat and get my heart rate up to cardio level by just thinking of crossing a room.
● There's nothing like a massive energy reserve to survive major surgery (even if latter was caused by the former), or an apocalypse (even if skinny people are trying to eat you).
● If I can't afford to be livin' large, I might as well be livin' 2-people-in-one large. You know, be all I can be.
● I could have an additional revenue stream as an in-store Santa, "before" model, or rent-a-bounce house.
● There's too much social pressure *not* to be obese--like my 5-yr old, I hate being told what to do, even if it's "only a suggestion". What's the big deal anyway? Are people afraid of gaining weight from 2nd-hand fat?

But more or less seriously, I'm going to take this more or less seriously. On one hand, I don't have a lot of faith in medical claims about obesity. There are too many variables involved and conflicting research findings to support that. On the other hand, there must be limits to what a body can endure, so I plan to listen closely to my body for mine. I'm not trying to be unhealthy--I'll still clean my arteries daily with a bottle of whisky, and I have an agreement with my wife to have no rolls of fat that I can hide a rash or bologna sandwich in. The only real issue I have with this new course of action that I will be slightly more full of shit than usual.

Happy holidays, y'all!

Weight: 221 lbs (11/13)
Weight: 218 lbs (11/06)
Weight: 215 lbs (10/30)
Weight: 212 lbs (10/23)
Weight: 210 lbs (10/16)