Who knew?

I am 31 years old, less than six months from 32. It turns out that while I have never worn glasses I may have needed them for a lot of those 31 years.

I have never had an actual eye exam, the closest I ever have had is one of those things they do in grade school where you have to tell them which way the “E” is pointing on the chart. I haven’t even had one of those since I was in the seventh grade, and I cheated on that one to make sure I wouldn’t have to get glasses. Yes, I cheated on an eye exam, how sad is that.

It was really their fault that I cheated on the exam though. They lined all of the kids up against the wall right next to the chart, then had us go up to the line and read off the symbols one by one. Even though I was the third or fourth kid to go I already had the chart memorized. I was therefore able to skate right through the test without really even looking at the chart. I can’t honestly say whether or not I was able to make out the symbols since I knew what order they were in; When you know that letter is an “E” your eyes see an “E”.

Even the charts that they have hanging in the optometrists office are kind of a scam. Tell me if this looks familiar:


F P 

T O Z  

L P E D  

P E C F D 

E D F C Z P 

F E L O P Z D 

(You will have to alter the distance you stand from your monitor for this to work for personal eye exam purposes.) Yes, the chart is the same in every office. No, I didn’t know it all from memory, I had to look up the last two lines on google. Granted they don’t use this as the basis for what kind of vision correction you require, but they do use it as a general guide to how poor your vision is. Also they have numerous charts that they show you when you are actually getting an eye exam.

I had an eye exam last Monday for the first time ever. So how poor was my vision? I was only able to make it through the first five lines, the ones that I have memorized, mind you. Then Mr. Doctor Dude put that big, fancy machine on my head and, wow, holy bejeezes, I could see! And that was him just guessing where the little machine needed to be, twenty minutes of tweaking and I was able to read the fine print on lawyers commercials from thirty yards (just kidding, NO ONE has vision that good).

I kind of figured that I needed glasses, that is why I went to a local guy where I knew they would take a few days to arrive: I didn’t want to walk in with (what I thought was) normal vision only to walk out with glasses. I wanted to have a bit of time to get used to the idea of it. As the week passed I found myself thinking that maybe my eyes were just tired or blurry when I had the exam, my eyes were just fine. Until I actually tried the glasses on. Yep, that was when I knew that I really needed the damn things. Who knew?

I suppose it is sort of like an epiphany to everyone when they finally get vision correction: Trees have outlines, they don’t just blur into the sky; The road should be a road all the way to the horizon, not just an increasingly blurry black stripe; It is possible to read the license plate of the car in front of you from a couple of car lengths back; It is really amazing all the little things that I am noticing while sporting these marvelous glasses.

I really wonder though if my vision has been getting worse at such a slow pace that I never noticed it, or if I have always had bad vision and never knew it. I can’t remember ever wanting to look at things for the sake of seeing what they looked like. I am sure that I did it as a child, but did I actually see the detail? I really don’t know.

How I wish I would have done this years ago.

A lesson learned

So you know how when you call any form of technical support line they treat you like you are about three years old -and stupid for that age-? Turns out they do it for a pretty good reason.

I am pretty good with Windows, not in the I can use a computer sort of way, but in the diagnosing problems with hardware/software sort of way. I don’t have a lot of confidence in myself when I have to start screwing with the BIOS, but I do it when I have to (on my own machine at least) and nearly always have good results (not counting the time when my mom’s pc had a boot sector virus and I just gave up and bought her a new machine).

I am familiar enough with Windows 95, 98 and XP that I can usually troubleshoot problems and repair them over the phone (that being software/driver type problems, not major problems). I was trying to help a guy out with what I thought was a software related problem just yesterday.

Microsoft recently released an update for the Windows Media Player, it totally fucked up the microphone on my machine. Well, technically it didn’t fuck up the microphone, it just made it so that I wasn’t able to use it with the program that I wanted to use it with (teamspeak being the program). For unknown reasons the update set all my settings back to default, thus not using the sound card that I had installed recently, and also for unknown reasons it set my mic volume all the way down and my line in volume all the way up. Yay Microsoft! I was able to solve the problem on my own machine in about ten minutes.

There was another guy playing the game I was playing who also was having problems with his microphone. I had never talked to him before, as he was new to our group, but I assumed that his problem was the same as the problem that I was having. I walked him through all the steps that I took on my machine to get it working, but his still wouldn’t work. After about fifteen minutes of text chat trying to fix the software problem I decided to ask a few different questions.

I had him run a mic test on his pc, which was not able to detect a voice at all. I asked him to check where he had the mic plugged in (a lot of people mistakenly plug it into the line out slot), which was correct. Then I asked him if he was sure that the microphone worked, which, as it turns out, is the question I should have asked first. He plugged in a different microphone and it all worked just fine.

I am telling myself that the other steps were necessary anyway, though I really don’t know if they were; his settings all seemed correct as I was walking him through it. At any rate it was a lesson learned. There is a pretty good reason why the technical support people think that you are stupid, usually you are.

Random stuff for no damn reason

As the title would suggest, this will be a collection of assorted bullshit. Your entertainment value may vary, act accordingly.

First up is a cute little instructional video that I found on the internet. It is quite helpful in defining what exactly constitutes sexual harassment in the workplace. It starts out seeming almost real, but a little too real, sort of like the old energizer commercials where you think it is a spoof but aren’t quite sure. About midway through the video there is no longer any doubt about its intentions, and as such it isn’t really the type of thing you should be watching at work, unless your boss happens to be harassing you, in which case it could be educational for the both of you -providing you don’t get fired-. Linkage here, please enjoy the show.

Secondly I have an observation about human nature and Wal-Mart. The human nature part is in getting a refund for a light bulb that was the wrong size. The bulb cost $5.74, and was six inches too long for my purposes. The correct bulb was $5.64, so only a dime in difference. How long did it take to get the dime back? Just under an hour.

See, the human nature wanted to get my money back since the bulb didn’t fit. But Wal-Mart’s corporate structure has gone to extraordinary lengths to ensure that they give as few refunds as possible. After all, who in their right mind would stand in line for an hour to get back a dime (that is sort of rhetorical at this point)? I didn’t even care about the dime, I just wanted the other light bulb. I though about just putting the little pink return sticker on the bulb I needed and walking out the door, but can you imagine the embarrassment if they had actually stopped me at the door? It sure would suck to get arrested for shoplifting when I was just trying to get the bulb that fit.

I really should have just bought the other bulb and given up on the refund of the first one. $5.74 is really not all that much money, anyone’s time is worth more than that, that is why we have a minimum wage after all. But you know how it is once you get into that line; either morbid fascination or a need for closure keep you there no matter what. I walked away with my dime and a sense of self-accomplishment. It takes a great man to waste an hour of his life for a dime!

Finally, and somewhat Wal-Mart (or any shopping center) related. Why is it that some people will drive around a parking lot for ten minutes looking for a parking space that is closer to the door? In order for that to make any sense at all I would have to be able to find a space about a half a mile closer to the entrance (I walk about five miles an hour at normal walking pace, which is why my wife and I rarely go shopping together; she has to run to keep up). Are people really that lazy? Again, that is probably rhetorical.

I have my own technique for finding a parking space. I pick the one closest to the cart return. Most people don’t like to park near the cart return for fear of damaging their precious car. My precious car is ten years old and already dented and dinged so I don’t really give a shit. I am also one of the seemingly rare people that actually return the cart to the designated corral before leaving. If I parked closer to the store I would probably have to push the cart all the way back to the entrance before I could leave, parking near the cart return gets me out of there a lot faster. Also, the farther away from the entrance you park the less foot traffic you will have to contend with. Seriously, parking further from the entrance and close to a cart return saves a hell of a lot of time, but don’t tell anyone, I don’t want everyone to know the secret. Of course most people are too lazy to spend the minute to walk to the door anyway so I guess I am in no trouble.