This Wrote Itself

I have been remiss in writing. So much so that Mama Voth said I was "losing relevance."....Like, as a person? Or a blogger? As her offspring? She wasn't specific enough. And therefore I decided to dedicate this entry to her, and my crazy Irish-Catholic family, and the plethora of brilliant and insane things they actually say. Here's my suggestion for you biddie readers: if you are going to be around your family this holiday season, please PLEASE, I implore you to get a lil tipsy bout it and WRITE DOWN EVERYTHING YOU HEAR. Because this entry, truly, wrote itself. In respect to familial privacy, all names have been omitted but there are a few common references that you'll need to know to "understand" these quotes. So here is a lil lexicon of commonly referenced words/places/phrases that would behoove you to know going in.


Holyoke: A city in western Massachusetts where my family is from. For a long long time I thought the only businesses in Holyoke were cemeteries and funeral homes. They have like, a disproportionate amount of both in Holyoke. Dyin' to get out. They DO have a drive-thru Dunkin and the third largest St. Patrick's Day parade in the country. Nay, the world.

chinamen:....I can't. An incredibly outdated name used for people of Asian decent....

B-12: A vitamin that APPARENTLY you can have shot into your body by people who have never been to medical school and are not licensed doctors.

Foamhenge: This weird place in Virginia where some idiot made a full-size replica of Stonehenge out of styrofoam.

turkey-fat fries: Actually the very best thing you will ever eat in your life. First you fry a turkey and then you put a whole bag of fries into the fat and oil leftover from frying said turkey and then you eat them and then you know God is real.

AND NOW that you are properly educated, here are some luxury, direct quotes from real conversations via Thanksgiving, green bean casserole, and an entire large bottle of Yellow Tail Chardonnay. You are all so very welcome.

1.) "Puerto Ricans Love me."

2.) "Would they be really mad if we just made another batch of these turkey-fat fries and stayed home and didn't go to Thanksgiving? Like, how mad could they really be."

3.) "I'm 19 and disillusioned."

4.) "Please pass the rolls! The good ones! Not the shitty ones we eat after the good ones are gone!."

5.) "Anyone want a B-12 shot? I can give em! I think I'm kinda good at it!"

6.) "Please stop talking to me right now I'm meditating."

7.) "No no no you're wrong there were TWO pairs of conjoined twins in Holyoke. And one one them were chinamen."

8.) "I just don't want this to be the Thanksgiving when..."

9.) "More gravy boo?"

10.) "One time whilst eating a cannoli in Italy..."

11.) "Everyone be quiet! I need to tell you about Foamhenge!"

12.) "#bluesweater #yellowundershit #nile #onedirection #cousins #brother #youdontknowwhoonedirectionis? #ignorance #familydisappointment"

13.) "Why are all the rolls gone always?"

14.) "Hey we have an extra seat at the table this year. OH! It's for Elijah right?!? Oh fuck, that's the other Jewish holiday."

15.) "Well you know what they say about four men beside a fire pit...well, you know."

16.) "Let me see your bangs up close....They are very short. No, give me a minute. I'm trying to understand why you did this."

17.) "And then I threw a bottle at him. BY ACCIDENT!"

18.) "Hey I think I have a stress whisker. Can you see it?" "No." "Do you even love me? Look at it in the light!"

19.) "...and he was smuggling drugs too, but he was smart. Never got caught."

20.) "A man goes into the jungle with a big yellow hat, lures a baby monkey, traps him in a bag, and takes him away! And we read this to our children? Not in this house!"*

21.) "Does it hurt when you run?" "Yes." "What do you do?" "I wear two sports bras." "Does that hurt?" "Yes." "...I don't understand. Why run?"

*Curious George reference, and such a legitimate point.