He Was A-Salt-ed.

These people, in this place, my god. Everytime they start talking about their history or anything, my eyes just totally glaze over. And now they want me to make a decision about what to do when I honestly haven’t paid attention to any of their arguments? I need you guys to just outline your arguments and I need you to go SLOW and you need to leave out any references to a Father or a Lord or anything. I am wasted. I really just wanna go back to my bed at the Lucky 38.

I decide for the moment to just waste more time by checking out this cave. I wander around inside killing more of these horrible plant monsters that I have had just about enough of. Finally I’m pretty bored of the place, and decide to go back outside. As soon as I exit the cave I am greeted by one, two, count ’em it’s THREE GIANT YAO GUAI! FUCK!

I shoot them all in the head, and down a bottle of scotch. Jesus H! Wakin’ C you check that shit? Goddamn! As I’m catching my breath, WC decides now would be a good time for chitchat, and tells me that I would’ve liked her family, and wishes I’d been able to meet them. Oooh, Wakin’. I ain’t exactly a “people person.” Maybe you’ve picked up on this, I tend to shoot, I would say, the vast majority of the ones that I meet. Is your family perhaps bottles of tequila? Because THEN…then I might LOVE them. Otherwise it’s probably just for the best that they aren’t here.

I finally have had just enough of this place and enough of these people. I find Daniel and Joshua. After a short talk with Joshua about how much it must suck getting set on fire, I tell Daniel we’re doing it Joshua’s way and killing everything and goddammit you guys stop saying Lord and shit, it really does grate on me. Me and Joshua apparently have to walk from this camp all the way to other camp where we’re gonna meet a some Dead Horses and Sorrows people to help us fight.  Whatever.

This walk takes forever because I am terrible at navigating this annoying moutain-y land and whenever I end up on top of something and I don’t want to be on anymore, I have a bad habit of just jumping down. Look. It usually works! Sometimes I lose half my health. WHATEVER.

Finally we get to the camp, except I accidentally killed someone on our side because I snipe people from way too far away. Uh, whoops. Some of the White Legs in this camp are already dead from earlier assault, but as we wade into a bit of water, a giant explosion sends a bunch of rocks tumbling down to block the path. Welp, I quit. Let’s go find Daniel and just move the people inste-oh Joshua is talking to me.

He says this is taking to long and he’s gonna find another way around and then takes off running. Wha…but? Why don’t I just come with you? I mean I still need to find another way around too right? How many other ways around could there be, we might as well just stick together.

But he was already gone.

I grope around in the dark for a bit and eventually find my way to a cave that pops me out on the other side of the rocks that had been blocking us. Also something was fuckin’ UP with that cave, because every person I shot in there would burst and their body parts and guns would fly clear across the room in a way I had never quite witnessed before. If there had been a continual supply of guys to kill, I might’ve just stayed in that cave all day.

On the other side, I find some more White Legs to kill and run into a few more of the people on my side. One walks way up this hill towards a camp so I follow her only to find that there is just fucking NOTHING in this camp and I need to turn around and go back down. I manage to not shoot her for this.

I continue along the stream for what seems like forever until I finally reach Joshua and Salty Wounds.  Joshua’s got two other White Legs on their knees next to Saltwater Taffy and he shoots them. Salty starts yelling at me and asking me to get Joshua to stop. I’m like eh, get up and fight him. I’m pretty sure this is what we came here for, right? Killing all you guys?

So Salt dude JUMPS UP AND CHARGES AT ME! Goddammit no! I wanted you to fight Joshua, while I watched over you like some sort of Roman emperor. He wants to fight me though, so I shoot him and then look over to see that another White Legs apparently charged Joshua and set him on fire. He is fully on fire now. And now he is talking to me.

This. This is awkward.

He thanks me for the help and I try not to say anything about all the fire all over him.

A slideshow informs me of what everyone does after this, and I am suddenly back at the Southern Passage in front of a footlocker. Everyone’s stuff is inside of it. I guess they decided I would need it more than they would. I don’t really need any of it, but I take it all anyways.


I’m finding Cass, we’re gonna make Moonshine and tequila until we cannot fucking walk.


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