lost in meaning…

there is a woman groaning across the room. there is a man breathing heavy and a girl laughing behind a wall. i try to stay busy, but i’m not. how did i get here, with them? i do what i can to ignore the emptiness in my stomach, the anxious fear of dissapearing into what this is. but i’ve wiped the world clean, i’ve lost what held me still. and so now i move, for the sake of god i decided. that could be enough. as a disguise to move through more flimsy days, as a blanket to hide what i do, like these bodies that probe into me. i am not a fixture here. i am disturbingly brilliant, i am bright. i type to blend the glare from the noise. i cannot ignore her, she is groaning into a book and the man breathing heavy pretends its because of him. the old man watching is lost and it shows. and i am revolted by the room i inhabit. could i be one of them. am i here inside of them. is the world turning as i listen to the growl. from down deep below, the rumble of fear. i may not be enough to stop the eyes that roam because they can. i am inappropriate, and he sits next to me. i smell him without trying, why did you leave me in here. of all places. time moves slowly, crawling up the sides of this dirty jar. magazine spread, whining baby, cackles from a fat old lady,chairs that never move. steeping words, mean nothing, not to anybody. we loiter, we have nowhere else to go, my life. and so i asked the wrong question, sent the wrong song. needed to explain myself, as if things could get better. i am broken, he is with someone else. i am cheap, he is busy. i am worn, he is stiff, i keep trying to hold the line. checking the notes, and nobody cares. but they talk, and they talk…and he says, you don’t trust me. and i weave in and out of my head with words to mask the white space i feel. like nothing could matter. she won’t shut up. she groans and knows we all hear her. fat legs rub across the room. big mouths make loud sounds at each other. there is no quiet, not even here. i am under cover, i am invisible like a ray of light. thinking about light. thinking about love. planning my route. escape, don’t wait for tomorrow. escape silently in the dark. get underneath the bed, don’t show your face anymore. i sit and stare at the clock who decides for me. i empty god all over the floor. can i borrow a pen. slip away, slip fast, into the stream of the many headed wishes. and i don’t hear you by the way. not because you aren’t caught in my eye, but because you are wrapped in white death. be gone. the sting, the fringe, brink. walk the line. pull me from down under. drape me with god herself who is a velvet lie, soft and promising ascension. and i cannot stare at the ceiling anymore, not all day. not all night. i cannot bear the scars of christ without payment. i am the book who tore out its own pages. you have only seen a fragment, one that doesn’t talk, but simmers. and one day the end will come like they all hoped, and we’ll all get shot down and destroyed. and nothing will matter but the cross and the dangle of prayers that kept you busy looking for a leak in the jar.there is no jar, its all the bone. hard and filled with earth. there are no pictures you can hang on these walls that will comfort me, no cradle that will lull me to groan. the girl just came out from  behind the wall, her laugh had turned to a whisper. a loud whisper we could all hear. my husband is a prisoner she told the guy next to here who did nothing but sniffle and stare at her breasts. she has a dog stuffed in a bag that starts whining. she threatens to beat it and the crying ends. she puts on her hood and walks across the room grinning to herself as she reaches for a feeling that isn’t there. there is nothing there, just the gray zoom of another ending…i am already inside, i cannot leave. the door is useless to me because it is an illusion, somewhere there may be an outside but it isn’t here. the sounds are an endless cacophony of defeat. “i smell marijuana,” the old guy said, “that shit gives me a headache.” the other guy nodded, “somebody’s always smoking dope.” he replied. there is a braindeath going on. i have discovered, that the source is also the smell. reach a little deeper, lost souls. a woman is yelling at a group of children about roosters, “cockadoodledoo!” she yells, “you are looking for five bats that glow in the dark…bright hiding black bats,” she reminded. (how the rooster fit into the picture, i will never know.) “i found something dark!” a little girl squealed.  “good job!” the woman rejoiced, “we have released the spirits of all the barnyard animals!” and the poor children started jumping up and down without understanding what had just happened. don’t look inside, just be one of us. lost in meaning…sharada devi

15 thoughts on “lost in meaning…”

  1. Cold overcast clouds raining
    Worn down abandoned strip mall
    Slick black asphalt parking lots
    Office park charcoal greys
    And muted forest greens
    Bright white artificial fluorescent lights
    Small talk with a stranger
    Baby crying for its mother
    Last nights shadows under my eyes
    Long wait at the DMV
    To get my new drivers ID
    At least it’s Friday…

  2. sitting
    lock, stocked and barreled in the stoke of what unfolds
    bold realizations of that which is that
    and what is what
    i see this
    and wonder what
    i write some
    and ponder more
    the score lingers, endlessly
    until it shifts
    end result becomes
    the next move
    some sit
    forever contemplating their next move
    and so
    never move
    such is the act of contemplation
    which becomes
    an overly exaggerated complication
    let go
    see the fallacy
    don’t cling to the norm
    don’t try to conform
    there is a truer life out side the confines of ordinary mind
    it is the where
    from which you came
    when you landed here
    do you understand
    my dear?

  3. Screaming thoughts and
    the dogs fear my tears
    Crying walls, and no way out.
    Chairs remain, bed unmade
    sink full of dishes
    at least
    the rats are gone.
    I hate labels
    but I know now that I caged myself
    with a covert narcissist for EIGHT years.
    madness feels so normal
    i can’t go home
    but that is where it all came from
    how the fuck do i ever get away
    it trails me and I can’t cut loose
    bound forever with something
    that I thought was gone
    it’s back or maybe it never left
    kidding myself for all that time
    unbearable uncertainty
    the facade
    crushed me
    i stand in my crib
    no one hears me
    no one cares
    stuck in my own prison.

  4. narcissistic overtone
    drawing like to like
    take the plunge or walk away
    sink or swim
    the whim is all your choice
    a group of rats is a called a mischief
    so go and have your fun
    a piper once was paid to rid the town
    but he was very sly
    and those who did not listen close
    were left to vapidly comply
    away, away the fleet footed did arise and go
    and those who were left behind
    were the deaf, the dumb and the blind.
    a flute when played is oft not heard
    and those who listen do heed the word.

  5. “Thus rejected she lies hid
    in the deep woods, hiding her blushing face
    with green leaves; and ever after lives
    concealed in lonely caverns in the hills.
    But her great love increases with neglect,
    her miserable body washes away,
    wakeful with sorrows; leanness shrivels up
    her skin, and all her lovely features melt,
    as if dissolved upon wafting waves —
    nothing remains except her bones and voice —
    her voice continues, in the wilderness,
    her bones have returned to stone.”
    (Metomorphoses, Ovid)

  6. I was wondering your opinions and thoughts about a situation. What if someone found out they were definitely supposed to be sadhu and they were caught in a career, house, truck, debt, etc…. And when I say sadhu, I don’t mean they are yet a guru or saint, they still have flaws and negative karma to burn. But their role is supposed to be a traditional sadhu role of bhajan and kirtan, puja and prayer, seva and service. How do they get to what they are supposed to be doing? Just drop everything and run to the ashram or try to transition in a responsible way? What in the world are we supposed to do in this society, with their lack of support for the Golden forms of Kali, Gauri and Mahagauri, and the Golden Mother Light? Asking for a friend…

    Happy Diwali! Jai Maa! 🙏💖✨

    1. Dear Andrew,
      A great Rimpoche I know was asked the same question and he said (in so many words) “that depends on you- there is the dharmic approach which would mean you drop it all now and follow the call, then there is the more practical worldly approach which would mean to plan a transition over time- and hope it comes together -and you don’t either die or get distracted- it all depends on you and your karma.”

      I personally dropped it all long ago- not saying it’s been easy but I had no choice/
      in my heart- and so you can do what feels right not based on others or what you read about what being spiritual means- of course any attainment depends on focus- commitment and whole hearted dedication/ that’s why we’re starting the community- see link above/ hope this helps.

      The world is heavy and hard- we get stuck, ground down and overwhelmed/ and it’s a mystery what the right answer is- THAT IS- if we believe we can go wrong- timing is everything / trust and intention.

      I’m here for you. That’s the best I can do!
      To be here for me❤️

      1. Thank you for such a thoughtful and balanced answer! I’m here for you too! will meditate on this and hopefully the answers will come. I will also try to donate soon. One other question: do you have any thoughts, if you get a chance and happen to know. Do you know the story of black Kali becoming a golden form? Does she become Gauri and/or Mahagauri? Or Parvati? I’m confused about the different stories but there is something important about this for me that I’m trying to understand. Especially how this is related to the story of Rama during Navaratri, Dasshera and Diwali that bears a special significance. The present day celebration of Durga worship (puja) and Dasshera are related to Rama’s life. Rama worshiped the divine mother Durga and prayed to her to give him the strength to slay Ravana. Ravana was slain on the day of Dasshera, the tenth day of Navaratri. The coronation of Rama was held on the Diwali day, the following New Moon day, that comes about three weeks after Dasshera.

        Thank you so much!
        Happy Diwali!
        Jai Babaji!
        Jai Ma! 😊🙏🕉

        1. my dear friend Andrew,

          Honestly I’ve always and only saw Kali as golden and never black- of course I had no pre-conceived notions or any knowledge of her- I had a dream and was told to worship her because she was within and I couldn’t escape the dangers of this world without this worship/ and then when I got w BD- I was devastated by his version and everyone else’s version of her either black and blood thirsty or some crazy over-sexed force of destruction – I had very hard time with this- and was very offended and insulted that a form of divinity could be as ridiculous as they believed- I have come to see that that is the lesser demonic form-
          IMO- like the devil- God flipped/ the force that rocks and devours this desirous world of a lesser love and virtually no devotion.

          Anyway/ I was told that Ramakrishna also only ever saw Kali as Golden. I feel very close to ramakrishna because of this…
          and so I believe she is Golden in the heart when she becomes a type of Krishna energy and black when she is still stuck down below haunting those who would keep her there…

          Hope this helps❤️

          1. Thank you so much dear Sharada Devi! This is so true, does make sense and this is why I was confused! The reason why I’m making a distinction here is because of the skin color has been mistaken for caste and racist attitudes. Truly, it’s her aura that is golden and/or white, regardless of body skin color. As well as all the other distortions you mentioned of Kali (sex, violence, etc.) so this must be patriarchal corruption or general ignorance of the Kaliyug times. There’s so much to learn and know! Thanks again!

            Jai Maaaaaa!!!!

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