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In an extension of its policy to privatise loss-making state-owned assets, the coalition government has announced plans to sell off debt-ridden Britain to the highest bidder.

In the landmark decision, the running of Britain will be handed over to a private equity company, which will ultimately have full control of the country under a ten-year contract. It has also been revealed that ‘considerable interest’ has been shown in buying the country, particularly from Middle Eastern and US institutions. A spokesperson for the government said:

No-one should be surprised by these plans. We clearly stated in our manifesto that we would bring in the private sector to run loss-making state institutions and there is no state institution making bigger losses than the state itself.

The government, when announcing the deal, has tried to allay fears that Britain could end up being sold on to so-called vulture funds which will strip it of all its assets and leave British residents without a country to live in. As David Cameron, the Prime Minister explained:

This is not privatisation. This is a change in management, that’s all.  It ends the uncertainty that has hung over the country because of the budget deficit. We can no longer afford to waste tax payers money on a failing state which is being buried under a mountain of debt. This is a great day for the people of Britain.

Number 10 also explained that services to the public would improve under private control of the country:

Citizens will continue to receive high quality public services from the management, such as health, policing the streets, defence of the realm and education of our children. In fact services will improve because decisions will no longer have to go through the lumbering bureaucracy of a parliamentary democracy, but will be taken much more efficiently by a board of directors and company shareholders.

Labour has condemned the proposals, saying that the sell-off of Britain is happening much too quickly. A senior opposition spokesperson explained:

It is scandalous that the present government is planning to sell-off everything so quickly before we can get back into power and sell off everything ourselves. If there’s nothing of the country left to sell off, how are we expected to get ourselves lucrative company directorships when we retire?

