What creature came before the seagull?

A beagle.

What sea creature never tells the truth

A lion fish.

I saw a guy holding a huge bumblebee and I said "Eww! What are you holding that ugly creature for?"

Indignantly he said "It's not ugly!"

I guess beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

Women are the only creatures to defy the laws of gravity.

The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.

What do you call a nocturnal flying creature that's attracted to neon lights?

An urban moth

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What sea creature would Hitler be?


What did one mythical sea creature say to the other?

What's kraken?

So I discovered that the creatures from avatar have come up with a new business idea.

They’ll let you rent a tribesman as a father figure over the Christmas period.

I heard they’re being called For lease na’vi Dads

Who's the tidiest of all the sea creatures?

Personally I think it's the killer whales. They're the best at orca-nizing

What do you call an insane water creature?




My friend showed me this awesome app where you can watch exotic creatures

Apparently it is called Tik tok



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After a few days the no...

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What do you call an ass-eating sea creature

a bottom feeder

(creds to a friend)

You must be one of the creatures from Bird Box.

Just the sight of you makes me want to kill myself.

I told my shrink, "every morning I see an ugly creature in the mirror, whats wrong with me?"

He said, "you've got perfect vision."

My name for a the reptilian shaped microscopic creature really blew up the scientific community.

It was dinomite.

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Most creatures on earth are carbon based, but you might be made of Einsteinium

You dense motherfucker.

How does Santa keep track of the bad sea creatures?

He puts them on the nautilus.

What do you call a Tolkien tree creature that bears a certain type of fall fruit?

I don’t know either, but it should be A Pear Ent.

What do you call a creature with 6 legs, 3 eyes, 2 noses and no ears?

Anything you want, it can't hear you

What do you call a friendly immobile sea creature that offers you food and lodging?

An amenable anemone with amenities.

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Which creature loses it's virginity the earliest?

A chicken. It gets laid at birth.

My friend Dave is a creature of habit

He wakes up at the same time, takes the same route to work, has the same breakfast each day, we call him dave ja vu.

If I had to pick a mythological creature to become alive and real,

I’d have to pick: My girlfriend.


My mom says such silly things when she drinks hehe

My favorite mythical creature

is a satisfied woman

Harry Potter, for a magical creatures lesson had the assignment of looking after a magical gecko.

He took great care of it , and was graded “A” for nurturing the pet so well. However shortly after receiving the grade for his assignment , the gecko escaped and went missing.

Harry was understandably upset about this, and a couple weeks of searching went by to no avail.

Then one day ...

I lost all my exotic sea creatures

And I can't buy them back because I don't have anemone.

When God created the animals, He realized the sea creatures needed more work.

They were just beta fish

What are prehistoric creatures called when they sleep?




Did you know that the octopus is the only sea creature with tentacles?

Just squidding!

What do you call a creature with the head of a seahorse, body of a lobster, the hind legs of an octopus, the front legs of a penguin, and claws?

A crabomination


Common deer


I really should have invested in one of those carbon monoxide detectors...

what do you call a dwarfish creature snapping along to a song in a subway?

a metrognome

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Apart from humans, the only creature that has sex for pleasure is the dolphin...

Do you know how many animals I had to screw to find that out?

NASA has received reports of a rover on Mars murdering a feline creature

Curiosity killed the cat.

Why won't any sea creatures date oysters?

Rumour has it they're shellfish lovers.

What group of creatures go by the base-8 code number 3.110375524210264302151423063050560067016321122011160210514763071...?



Because the real punch-line is always in the calm ents

What do you call it when people exchange sea creatures?

Squid pro quo.

If you don't know a lot of creatures in Greek Mythology...

I'll give you a mini-tour

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Which creature has the best sense of hearing on earth?

a boy while masturbating.

Which mythical creature casts no reflection?

All of them, technically.

Scientists have discovered a new creature.

The creature resembles a centaur from the legends and it seems to be always receiving a lot of attention from other animals and plants.

Tldr: it's a Centaur of attention.



"There, you will come to the De...

Why don't sea creatures get divorced?

Because they can't afford abalone.

Scientists have created a type of brightly coloured sea creatures...

When i found out about this I yelled, "oh the hue-manatee!"

The paraplegic mythical creature wasn't walking...

He was draggin!

Using high powered gamma rays, creatures on Mars have established total mind control over Donald. And Hillary. And the liberal press. And the Alt-right.

Hey, all I know is what I read on Facebook.

(But it explains everything!)

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My favorite mythological creature.

My favorite mythical creature is the happy bitch in tampon commercials.

Crabs are amazing collectivistic creatures;

they only use pubic transportation.

Story with a moral


What's the difference between Donald Trump and a worm?

One of them is a slimy, loathsome creature incapable of complex thought, the other one actually shows up when it rains.

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The tenant calls furiously his landlord...






Among these beings were the selkies who frol...

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A chaste wife went to a pet store...

... to buy her husband a pet for their anniversary. All of the pedigree animals were too expensive and she began to pout, visibly. One of the store's tellers asked what was wrong and she explained her circumstances.

“Well... we have a specially trained frog for $24.99”, he said.

She ex...

The word "Politics" is derived from two Greek words

"Poly" meaning "many" and "ticks" meaning "blood sucking creatures"

What is the name of an annoying creature that is notorious for biting humans in the tropics?

Luiz Suarez.

A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana

.She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn't want to pay the high prices. After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price." Later in the day, the shopkee...

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Two Aliens

We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The ...

So a mentally challenged man walks into a seafood restaurant...

...and sees a tank of live creatures. As an employee walks by, he grabs her attention, and asks, “Is that a breakdancing lobster?” He points at one of the creatures wildly flipping around and acting insane. The worker takes a moment and responds, saying, “No, that’s just a cray fish...”

The Blonde Nun



A man walks into a bar with a pig under his arms.

"Where did you get that disgusting creature?" exclaimed the barman.

To which the pig replied "I won him in a raffle".

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A frog is born mute


Hunting in the African Safari

This joke was passed down to me by my Austrian grandfather through my mother. This is dark humor.

(Mom): "Did I ever tell you about your Grandfather's hunting trips?"

(Me): "No, where'd he go?"

(Mom): "For work, he'd travel to Africa a lot, and would occasionally meet with other...

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Trial for Laughing


When she noticed a young man smiling at her, she began feeling uncomfortable due to her condition.

She changed her seat and the man seemed more amused.

She moved again and the man laughed even more!

She f...

3 women are in a horrible car crash and go to heaven.

3 women are in a horrible car crash and go to heaven. As they are approaching the gates of heaven they notice there are ducks that cover almost every inch of heaven. They ask St. Peter about the ducks.

“They are very sacred creatures and if you step on 1 you will be handcuffed to an ugly per...

California Condor


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[Religion] If you're religious this is not for you. The setup is completely fictional. Please don't get offended.

The catholic church would have you believe that Jesus Christ was one single person while, actually they were a set of twins - Jesus and Christ. It was through this that Jesus came back to life, Christ was crucified and Jesus made a religion by apparently coming back to life.
Christ was a...

Two guys were talking about pets

"Yeah, so I have a couple of cats and a chihuahua. What about you, Flynn?"

Flynn looked at the man with a look of both pain and peace. "Well, Danny... I had a dog once."

Daniel sympathetically responded. "What happened?"

Flynn let out a quiet sigh. "It's a long story."


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A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to one another on a plane...

The lawyer looks at the blonde and thinks he could have a bit of fun at her expense.
So he goes: “Miss, let’s play a game, I’ll ask you a question. Any question, and if you don’t know the answer you’ll give me $20. Then you ask me a question, and if I don’t know the answer I’ll give you $100!” Sh...

A man passed a shop,where he saw a sign, "Magic Vulture for Sale"

Curious, the man walked into the shop and asked about the bird.

The salesman replied, "This vulture has special powers. Whenever you go shopping, bring it along, and the cashier will give you 90% off!"

"Really? How much does it cost?"

"A million dollars."

The man balked a...

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However, everyone told t...

A scientist and the Catholic Pope were eating lunch together while discussing the latest news in scientific discovery.

Scientist: Right now, my research team is working on trying to clone insects using gene-replicating techniques.

Pope: That is very interesting! How far have you come along with it?

Scientist: We have engineered the cloning process, now we are going to execute our next phase which is ex...

found while browsing Quora

Donald Trump, Theresa May, and Angela Merkel are walking outside after a particularly stressful diplomatic meeting.

As they walk in silence, one of them stumbles on a small rock - but when they investigate, they find it is not a rock at all, but an antique oil lamp.

“Maybe there's a ge...

GOD: "Hey, let's make Vampires REAL. . .!"

God: "They shall drink BLOOD!"

God: "They shall be responsible for the DEATHS of more humans in history than any other creature!"

God: ". . . And they can FLY!"

God: . . .But let's troll them so they can only make annoying high pitched whiny noises

God: . . .And are only ...

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A homeless man walks up to a swanky restaurant (long)

He says to the maitre d' 'I'm sorry to bother you but I'm homeless and haven't eaten all day. The smell of food from your kitchen is amazing, would I be able to have dinner here tonight for free?'

Moved though he is, the maitre d' replies that he is sorry and he can't give out free food. 'But...

Three Scotsmen are relaxing in a motorboat out on Loch Ness.

Suddenly, they hear a strange rumbling. They look into the water and see a shadowy object moving quickly below them. Just as one of the men begins to speak, the boat is thrown twenty feet above the waterline and capsizes.

"It's the Loch Ness Monster!" they scream. Panicking, the men frantical...


The question arises: What separates man from the animals?



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A Jew, a Muslim and a Christian are all best friends

A Jew, a Muslim and a Christian are all best friends. They have this tradition of meeting up at a certain coffee shop and talking about this and that while they eat their collective favorite desert; cherry pie.

One day, as the friends are enjoying their cherry pie, the topic of who’s religio...



Me: Yeah, what about him?

Friend: He's a mythical creature.



Squirrels In Church

& consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there, & they should not interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church, the squir...

The Old Man and the Beaver

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor
for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great
and I've never felt better.'
I now have a 30 year-old bride
who is pregnant with my child.
"So what do you think about that Do...





A cowboy's horse died on his way to town...




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My dads favorite joke (long)




There was a man who drank a lot and his wife gave him an ultimatum…

“If you ever come home drunk again, I'm going to divorce you”. Being a creature of habit, he went out drinking again and was sick all over his shirt. He said to his friend “If I go home like this my wife will divorce me". His friend advised “I tell you what, put a £20 note in your inside jacket pock...
