Manipulative fake apologies


  • These apologies generally shouldn’t be accepted.



Another example:

  • Mary sees him and decides that he needs help.

More generally:

  • Fake Apologizer: *expectant pause*


  • Fake Apologizer: I *said* I was sorry!
  • Fake Apologizer: *expectant pause*



Making excuses

Anonymous said to realsocialskills:

Can you explain the concept of excuses? People often get mad at me for “making excuses” when I mess up, but I’m just trying to explain the situation, and maybe diffuse their anger over my mistakes. I’m not trying to transfer the blame to someone else. I don’t understand the problem. Please help.


realsocialskills said: 

Short version: You might get better results if you stop thinking of diffusing their anger as a goal.

Longer version:

Making excuses basically means doing something wrong, and attempting to prevent other people from taking it seriously. That can be in many forms:

  • Claiming that it wasn’t your fault the thing happened (even though it was)
  • Telling people that you’re not the kind of person who does that kind of thing (data they have is that you just did the thing. They get to decide what they think about that.)
  • Claiming that the thing wasn’t really a big deal (even though it was)
  • Stating or implying, through words or actions, that you expect there to be no consequences once you have explained (even consequences like people being annoyed with you)


  • Sue: Your dog just destroyed all of my mail. He ripped up my paycheck. This can’t happen again.
  • Brenda: Oh, I’m sorry, I’m really a responsible pet owner, I never do this kind of thing, it’s just my back was turned for a minute and my dog got out.

This is a bad response because:

  • Brenda’s dog just destroyed Sue’s mail.
  • Brenda is trying to make this a conversation about why Sue shouldn’t judge her
  • Sue has every right to be angry, and every right to have this affect her perception of Brenda

This would be a better approach:

  • Brenda: I’m so sorry about that. I didn’t realize that the fence had termites, and my dog just ran right through it. We’re replacing the fence, and keeping the dog in while it’s being replaced. Is there a way I can help you fix things with the mail?

Sometimes you will be accused of making excuses when it’s not actually your fault. Eg:

  • Debra: Why is the logo a dinosaur? I wanted a potato.
  • Lucy: We discussed this, and you decided to go with the dinosaur. The contract says dinosaur logo. 
  • Debra: You’re just making excuses. Make the logo right.


  • Jason: Why did you just call me a pistachio? Is that some sort of weird slur?
  • Fred: I was offering you a pistachio.
  • Jason: Don’t make excuses. It’s not ok to insult me like that.

I don’t know of any effective response in that situation. I wish I did. 

If you’re talking to people who are basically reasonable, and you actually have made a mistake, this can be a good way to explain without sounding like you’re making excuses:

  • I’m sorry about this
  • This is how it happened
  • Here are the steps I’ll take to make it not happen again
  • Offering to fix what is fixable


  • I’m sorry that my dog ate your homework. 
  • I didn’t know that dogs really did that, so I didn’t take precautions. 
  • From now on, I will keep up the baby gate so he can’t get in to the room you do homework in.
  • I’m sorry about this - are you going to get in trouble at school? Can I help you recreate it, or would it help if I wrote a note?

An important component of taking responsibility for a mistake is accepting that people are going to have feelings about it, and that an apology isn’t always going to make them go away. 

Let people feel the way they do about what you did. Taking responsibility doesn’t mean no one is allowed to still be upset with you, or that they are obligated to believe that you will do better in the future. It means that you’re acknowledging that you made a mistake and that the mistake is important and has consequences. Sometimes people are going to be upset about mistakes you make, and it’s important to learn how to handle that. If you try to use apologies as a cheat code to make them stop being upset, it’s likely to make them more upset.

Perspective in the face of other people's anger

This is a thing that happens with some people:

  • People get angry






  • It’s ok to need time to think

Countermeasure #2: considering reversal:

  • And do you think you actually did something terribly wrong?

Countermeasure #3: Think in concrete terms:

  • Do you think you actually did that thing?
  • Do you think it’s reasonable that they are offended?

Countermeasure #4: Considering the perspective of someone you respect:

  • Do you think it was wrong? 
  • Do you think you should apologize? 
  • Do you think they should apologize?

Countermeasure #5: Outside perspective:

  • Some friends are mutual check in people for one another. 
  • Some people get outside perspective from therapists. 


about apologies

When you’ve been inadvertently rude:
  • Eg: If you carelessly bump into or trip someone
For the sake of someone you’ve hurt:

For your own sake:






Sometimes it’s important not to apologize:


A rude thing that people do to wheelchair and mobility scooter users

So, here’s a thing that happens a lot:
  • Someone rides a wheelchair or mobility scooter into a room that has many chairs in it
  • They want to sit on one of those chairs.
  • Several people, trying to be helpful, dart in to remove the very chair they wanted to sit on

This is very annoying.

  • Especially when it happens several times a week
  • Especially when the people who dart in to remove the chairs are very proud of themselves for Helping The Disabled
  • Even more so if they don’t understand “actually, I want to sit in that chair”, and keep removing it anyway
  • Even more so if the person has to physically grab the chair they want to sit on to prevent it from being removed
  • (And sometimes people react badly to being corrected and become aggressive or condescending)

Do not do this annoying thing.

  • Instead, find out what the person you want to be helpful to actually wants
  • People who use mobility equipment are not actually glued to it
  • And different people have different preferences about where they want to sit
  • You can’t know without asking them
  • (You can’t read their mind, Some people seem to think that mobility equipment transmits a telepathic call for help regardless of the person’s actual apparent interest in help. Those people are wrong. You have to actually ask)
  • You can’t know where someone wants to sit unless you ask, so ask
  • One way you can ask is “Would you like me to move anything?”

If you forget to ask, and make the wrong assumption:

  • Recognize that you have been rude
  • And apologize, and say “Oh, excuse me” or “Sorry. I’ll put it back.”
  • This is the same kind of rude as, say, accidentally cutting in line
  • Or being careless and bumping into someone
  • This is not a big-deal apology, it’s basically just acknowledging that you made a rude mistake
  • People make and acknowledge rude mistakes all the time with nondisabled folks
  • The same people who say “excuse me” when they bump into a nondisabled person, are often completely silent when they do something rude related to someone’s disability
  • Being on the receiving end of a lot of unacknowledged rudeness is degrading and draining. Particularly when you see that the same people who are rude to you without apologizing say “sorry” and “excuse me” to people without disabilities they interact with
  • Do not be part of this problem
  • When you are inadvertently rude to someone who has a disability, it’s important to acknowledge and apologize for it in the same way you would for any other inadvertent interpersonal rudeness

When you're not sure whether something is wrong

sometimes i feel like i did something wrong but i am not sure and dont know what might have done. i usually say “i am sorry if i hurt you” because i dont know whether i did or not. but this seems really close to something people are saying is wrong to say. is there a better way of checking if hurt someone i care about and finding out how to make it up to them?
realsocialskills said:
I think that pre-emptively apologizing doesn’t usually help in those situations. Apologies don’t mean very much if you don’t know what you’re apologizing for, and it can look like an attempt to avoid criticism. (Ie: you might seem to be implicitly saying “I already apologized! Why are you still talking about this problem?!”)
Also, if nothing is actually wrong, that kind of apology can make people worry about how you’d react if something *was* wrong.
Instead, it’s better to try to find out whether something’s wrong, and if so, what it is. Then you can figure out what to do with that. I think it works best if you say explicitly that you think you may have hurt them, and then ask if you are right. Eg:
  • “I feel like something is wrong. Is there a problem?”
  • “I feel like I hurt you. Did I?”
  • “I’m worried that I may have hurt you. Is something wrong?”
  • “Is there something we need to talk about? I feel like I did something wrong.”

This makes it clear that you think there might be a problem, and that you care about finding out what it is.

realsocialskills said:
  • But, eventually, this becomes intolerable
  • It might be that your friends are manipulative and like to make you feel bad about asking for things, and don’t like to say no - that’s a thing that happens, and a possibility that it’s important to take seriously




  • I wrote about that some before



Supporting people who are overly apologetic

Some people apologize all the time, for everything. This can be very annoying.

Here’s a conversation:

  • Mary: I like ice cream. I don’t want to order a slice of cake. I’m sorry.
  • Darlene: Dude, you don’t have to apologize!
  • Mary: Argh, I’m sorry about that.
  • Darlene: ::headdesk:::

Telling someone off for that kind of thing doesn’t help. People who do this do it for a reason; they’ve often been taught that they always have to want what other people want. They’ve been taught that it’s rude to ever express a desire. This is not something you can fix by getting annoyed.

In fact, you can’t fix it at all, because you can’t actually fix other people in any case. But getting annoyed makes the problem worse. So does telling someone off for apologizing. Some people need to apologize and adopt a deferential tone in order to feel ok about expressing preferences and boundaries. If you put pressure on people not to apologize, it makes it harder for them to tell you what they want. Don’t take it personally, and don’t take it out on them. It’s not your fault, and it’s not their fault either.

There are things that you can say that sometimes help other people to feel more comfortable expressing desires, if you can say them in a non-annoyed tone of voice:

  • “That’s not a problem.”
  • “That’s fine.”
  • “You didn’t do anything wrong.”


Pranks can be funny, but a lot of them are bad.

There are basically two kinds of ok pranks:

  • Pranks that you reasonably expect the target to find funny
  • Pranks that make someone who has unreasonable amounts of power look ridiculous

If the first kind of prank goes bad:

  • Don’t tell the person they should learn to take a joke
  • Apologize
  • If there’s something you can fix, fix it
  • Don’t play that kind of prank on that person again

Some pranks that nearly always go bad:

  • Pranks played on individual people you have a lot of power over (eg: a child, an employee, a patient)
  • False promises (eg: convincing someone you’re going to let them borrow your car to go to a concert they really care about, then giving them your toy car and laughing at them when they’re ready to leave)
  • Breaking someone’s stuff
  • Invading someone’s space if they’re being stalked or have a history of being stalked or abused (eg: If someone is being stalked, planting a bunch of flamingos on their lawn is likely to be frightening in an unfunny way. Leaving flamingos inside their house is likely to be terrifying. )
  • Tricking someone into eating something they don’t want to eat (Tricking vegetarians into eating meat is not funny. Neither is tricking Jews or Muslims into eating pork. Neither is tricking someone into eating something they’re allergic to or intolerant of, even if you think they’re lying. Neither is tricking someone into eating bugs or dirt or something else they’d consider disgusting. Just don’t do it.)
  • Exposing someone to something they have a phobia or or find triggering. Eg: if you know your friend is terrified of spiders, don’t leave a fake spider on the kitchen table to scare them.
  • Sexualized pranks (particularly if you’re a man playing them on a woman).

If you’re playing a prank to undermine someone’s unreasonable authority:

  • Don’t hurt innocent bystanders
  • Don’t do things that make you look worse than them
  • Don’t insult them for the wrong reasons (eg: If someone’s abusive and also fat, don’t make a big banner mocking them for being fat. Partly because this hurts fat innocent bystanders)

A follow up: When you're the one who wants forgiveness

Sometimes, you hurt someone in a way that is dealbreaking. I think most people will probably do this at some point during the course of their life. Not to the same degree, and not with the same culpability, but it’s something that everyone is capable of doing.

If you do that, it’s important not to put pressure on the person you hurt to forgive you.

If they’ve asked you not to contact them, respect that. Even if you think that you understand what the problem was and you’ve now solved it. Even if you think you’re trustworthy now. Even if what you really want is a chance to apologize. 

People you’ve hurt don’t owe you their attention, and they don’t owe it to you to help you learn to be a better person. They don’t owe you help getting atonement.

When you’re in a hole, stop digging. Don’t keep hurting the person with constant invasive attempts to apologize or fix things.

Sometimes you can’t make things right. Some things can’t be undone; some damage can’t be fixed.

What you can do is move on, and learn from the experience. You can learn what you did wrong, and figure out how to never do it again. And you can build a life in which you are good to others, while respecting that the person you hurt is no longer part of it.