Girls Birthday Dress in the Amazon


I recently returned from an expedition deep inside the Amazon jungle.  Accompanied by my translator and guide, Aurelio, I ventured to civilizations rarely seen by the outside world.  My goal -- to experience first hand the fashions of primitive tribes.  There, I saw the most exquisite birthday girls dresses made from indigenous plants and fauna.  

For example, I saw one young birthday girl wearing a mini-skirt made entirely of banana leaves.  She said she could dress up for a night of opera at Lincoln Center or Carnegie Hall.  I laughed, knowing full well that she had no idea what she was talking about.  Besides, what girl wear a banana leave dress to a concert?  Oh, you Amazonians.  You have won my condescending laugh.

A little further up the river, I reached a village where all the birthday girls dresses were made out of human skulls.  Divine!  I asked her if I could have a dress like that, and she sharpened her machete and chased me down to my canoe.  Is that a yes or a no?  I just want a dress, not the attitude, Esperanza.

Deep in the heart of the rainforest, I discovered a medicine man making birthday girl dresses out of vines.  Now that's devine, I joked.  Get it.  De-vine.  He just looked at me with his mouth agape.  He spoke not one word of English.  Poor guy, he missed out on a fantastic pun.  But at least he knew how to make girls dresses out of vines and rope and tree bark and what not.  I asked him if he would tie me up to a tree and have his way, but he just grunted.  I snapped a picture of him and he threw a spear at my head.  I'd like to say that he completely missed me, but he didn't.  It grazed my cortex.   Well, not grazed exactly.  He went in through my ear and out the other.  Luckily, I didn't suffer any lasting brain damage.  Although I do tend to talk about birthday girls dresses a lot.  Come to think of it, that's kind of all I talk about.  But that doesn't mean I have brain damage, right?

My final excursion in the jungle took me to a tiny fishing village where none of the girls wore dresses.  They all wore slacks.  And the men wore the dresses.  Interestingly, all the men had vaginas, and all the women had penises.  Crazy, right?  Not only that, but the women all had beards, and the men wore their hair long and smelled like roses and lilacs.  That night, I had my first male on male romantic experience.  I lured her into my tent, and gently took the girls birthday dress off the woman, and boy was I surprised to discover that it wasn't a birthday dress at all, but a skirt.  Where was they top?  I had been deceived.  I slapped him or her across the face and called a taxi.  Obviously, there was no taxi.  They had never even heard of taxis.  But when it arrived, I tipped the driver very well, and took my notes on girls birthday dresses and all my other belongings, and got back on the first plane to America.  Home of the hotdog!  Want to buy some cool dresses?  Shop here.