So the talking cartoon fish movie is on DVD now. IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T HEARD. I wish not to comment on it, but instead refer you to yet another blurry sound file. I don't like seafood, but living fish are simple and innocent enough that even the doofs at Picksars couldn't do much to mess them up (I can certainly see where they've tried, though). You could take Simon Garfunkel's head and draw a few triangles around it, and it will look kind of like a fish. What's that? No, no one else. 0nly Garfunkle. Forget I mentioned it. Any'sway, the DVD advertisements thankfully (as if I could truly be thankful with the memory still fresh of when vhs releases weren't announced ever) are devoid of any Albert Brooks voicings, leading me to suspect that he was such a duck that even DISNEY couldn't stand him and had his lines redubbed, hopefully by the far more talented Andre Brooks. Considering how ever-present this thing has been, I'm surprised I've been able to keep relatively quiet about it. I was even asked if I was bothered that not just idiot kids with no opinion-making mechanisms, but licensed adults have been enjoying this film in a kind of way that I don't feel bad making generalizations regarding them. Well, yes, but I'm certainly not surprised. I have ways of justifying stuff like this. Just watch: The highest grossing film of all time was Titanic. I think it's accepted knowledge among non-members that 98% of the people who liked Titanic were nitwits. I'm not necessarily saying that if you enjoyed Titanic I think you're a moron, because less than 2% of the people who watched Titanic have seen my website. I am also not saying that purely by less lack of virtue, fish movie is less bad than Titanic; many truly terrible films aren't successful at all. But no one really knows how these gross values are calculated. Tickets for children, who even if dumb would have little interest in Titanic, cost less than tickets for adults. Are concession stand purchases included in this figure? They probably are, because a smart person can easily sneak in much cheaper snack items purchased elsewhere. And when you consider that Titanic was most popular among twits of the fat persuasion, who eat more, all the pieces fall together, not unlike the pieces of the iceberg shattered ship itself into the freezing north atlantic waters.

Dopes have dollars. They also have numbers. So they have influence, even if they get to watch something for free. The Rosie O'Donnell show lasted for years, so I believe these people exist. The show only ended because the persons most entertained by gay people are persons who hate people who do the thing which makes them gay. While viewers were sorting out this conflict, Caroline Rhea came and went; no one wanted to watch because they thought she must be gay, too. So then for a while there was nothing, and Ellen DeGeneres stepped in, because at last people started to forget she too is gay. I won't watch a speck of this new show, not even to justify my continued abhorrence toward that general timeslot, because I can recall a time when I liked Ellen, and may well continue, if I succeed in never ever seeing Ellen again. Why ruin that? It's not as if I make any effort to be annoyed. If the ads are vague, I can live with it. I saw three seconds of Mike Myers as The Cat in The Hat and could only wonder, why do you hate me?

Mike Myers hates me. Why? Well, I can think of some reasons, but they didn't show up until after I started to hate him, so I don't know what his excuse is. Fortunately, I don't consider this as raping my childhood, because childhood just isn't a word I use. I don't like the way "hood" sounds. It's a stupid sound. But anyway, the book, I never liked. It was maybe around as good or slightly less so than The Sneetches, yet much, much, more overexposed and worse still, that creature bears not the slightest resemblance to a cat. Oikes, even Sonic the goldurned Hedgehog is vaguely rodentish. While Sylvester McMonkey McBean is approximately just as much like a monkey (which, I might add, he is in name only) as The Cat is like a cat, I found the depiction of the sneetches themselves consistent with my own personal experiences.

I never liked the Grinch either, but people weren't really supposed to like the Grinch. However, I meant the Grinch story I did not like. Stop trying to confuse me. I don't think anyone really liked it; they seemed to enjoy it even less than I did. I know this, because despite owning pants, I've been called a grinch in my time. Surely, if anyone had enjoyed the story, they would have read watched to the end and seen that the Grinch turns "nice" at around that point, which never happened to me. Additionally, I've never carved The Roast Beast at a giant table shaped like a backwards S. And I won't.

But you know, especially if your only experience with this sort of film is through my complaining about them (which I doubt, but still acknowledge is possible), I've left something out. What could it Rated PG for mild crude humor and some double-entendres.

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Pardon me, I've just been banging my head against my keyboard. It will be fine.

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This reminds me, I need to buy one of those spill-proof keyboard covers.

Actually, this one doesn't seem so bad, now.

So I hear the Looney Tunes are back in action. Why are they back in action? Do they need work? Aren't they old enough to retire? I guess not, because they're back, in much the same way an idiot comes back from using the restroom. "I have returned!" "Had you left? Could you leave again?" I was interested in knowing if this film might possibly top Space Jam in the "plot you're intended to take seriously is infinitely funnier than the characters themselves" department. Well, it turns out, Daffodil Duck has been fired (I believe that gets a check). Fired from what? If you've ever wondered how the response to seeing Bugs Bunwald in your restaurant/saloon/aborted fetus market ever went from "hey, get that screwy rabbit out of here, potentially endangering paying customers, if possible" to "HEY, BUGS BUNNY! YOU'RE FAMOUS! I WANT YOUR AUTOGRAPH! LET'S DO THE DEW!", Well, it TURNS OUT, they're all REAL PEOPLE who just happen to be cartoons who coincidentally portray characters with the same names. So they don't live in space, and they don't live in Toontown (a reference I'd love to disremember), they live in Beverly Hills. And they didn't even marry/kill rich widows to do it (stuff like that I'm watching at six years of age). They're CELEBRITIES... except they actually have some kind of job from which they can be fired. That is wacky.

Is it possible the whole thing is intentionally farcical and I'm the one being too serious? That is possible. Fortunately, I've already written the page.

So anyway, I imagine a touching show of unity makes the characters stand up to THE MAN to get their associate back. Because they're friends, remember (this film is more of a documentary than anything else). All those attempted murders, strictly business, you understand? All those long, awkward periods of confusion and self-assessment after falling in love with Bug Peempin' in make-up and a wig for the nineteenth time... They worked it out, trust me. All the humiliations over the years, that stuff was in the script. Frequent co-stars, Daffy Duck was even best man at Hitler's wedding. Business.

At one point (I've only seen one clip, so it was that point), as proof that Patrick Duffy Duck does good "work" and should be rehired, J. Freg Bugs pulls out one of those Hollywood Walk of Fame stars with Duck's name on it. You know what, I believe they have stars, and will be sure to mention this if I ever meet Robin Williams. "You've got one? So what? Fred Flintstone does too, and he's not even real." Additionally, several oscargot statuettes get shown (nice to know they're not putting on any airs), and I can't help but think they'll be pulling out the same number in the next movie. But then again, there is a "best animated film" category and... You might as well have a "tastiest diaper" category, really. And then you can make sub-categories for the amount full of what substances, including that blue stuff used to demonstrate absorbency. I get the first one, just because I thought of it.

There was something else about a diamond that turns people into monkeys, but in case I forgot to point out, I'm not planning to see the film or know anyone who's seen it. So. Hey, Michael Jordan, what's he been up to? 6 feet 6 inches. Ha ha ugh. No, really. Remember when he used to pick up his pink cartoon telephone to call Tweetie Boyd or the Tasmanian Debil (who I guess can talk, or something)? I still remember those great words: "MCI Five-cent Sundays helps me keep up with my Space Jam buddies." Let's temporarily disregard the previous paragraphs, and not debate whether he means Space Jam the movie or Space Jam the incident or even Space Jam the Smuckers ill-fated air-filled tie-in product, because the lunatics are working for Sprint now. They sold out, man. I don't know, maybe they would have sooner but refused as long as The Dime Lady got a bigger trailer. If they weren't huge megastars starring in movies, I bet they'd have a show called The ATTITUNES now.

Also involved is the star of the Smash Hit Movies Encino Man and Monkeybone, Brendon Fracer. Despite having made a career completely off of things I hate and having a retarded name like Brendan (and an evil name like Frasier), I've never quite been able to fully despise this man. Still, he keeps trying. I admire such persistence. Dharma's in it, too. I hate Darmuh.

So they're back. At least when Hulk Hogan "came back" (not a reference to The Cat in the Hat Comes Back, the hopefully never cinematic sequel to a book who's name I have forgotten) it was because there were people who wanted to see Ho Cogan. And he hadn't changed, hadn't been updated, hadn't been sanitized in attempts to appeal to no one. He hadn't been tirelessly reanimated by a staff of hundreds. (looking at the guy, don't you think if it were possible, he would have tried?) The Looney Tunes (why are they called that, anyway?) couldn't have made their big surprise return after a long absense any later than 1955, so they certainly don't have nostalgia in their corner. And just the fact that they were both in The Mummies Return doesn't mean Brandon Frazer can make a pile of brightly colored weird animals appear talented like Rocky Melvin did with Hogan. Oh, see how I brought it all together?

On the animation, though, why bother? George WB has several decades of cartoons to lift stuff from, and might not even have had to fire the duck if they'd reused some of it. It's certainly not as if any new gags are being performed which would necessitate new frames. Wha... wha... they're not cel-shaded? Neither am I, and I seem to survive somehow. Is that a big problem? The CARTOON CHARACTERS not looking REAL enough? Whatever happened to simple, adequate animation? Funny I should ask.

This, this happened.

First of all, I'd just like to thank for using such small pictures.

If everyone hates this so much, WHY IS IT THE MOST POPULAR MOVIE RIGHT NOW?!

Complete offense to him, but at least Jim Carrey kind of looks like a Doctor Suess character.

I was disappointed that the film called Brother Bear wasn't about the Berenstain Bears. Not because I would have liked to see that, but because I know Disney doesn't own the rights to that.

I seriously thought this was a shoe advertisement the first I heard of it. For one thing, it didn't actually mention shoes once.

Plenty is not right in a world where a movie called "Down With Love" is a ROMANTIC COMEDY.

But is Santa as bad as Bad Andy? Yes, I shall beat that subject as long as it lives to be beaten.

The Million Dollar Man killed The Dime Lady! It was feared she might one day become the 10 Million Dime Lady and challenge his named-after-currency supremacy.

With a name like that, you know it's either terrible or a dog biscuit

Just once, can't we make a film about a handicapped person who's annoying, doesn't make friends, and inspires no one? This is an unfair stereotype being perpetuated by The Media, and I won't stand for it!

Come on, this just looks bad.

Speaking of reanimated (on the left side of the page, dope), did you know Tupac Shakur was dead?

I haven't seen this (or anything on this whole page, in fact) but I can't help but think if I had, I'd be wanting to push those people into that river right about now.