ARE YOU AN AMERICAN? Test 1. You decide that the relationship with your partner is over. How do you break the news you are leaving? (a) Leave a tearful note on the table and slip quietly away (b) Calmly discuss the reasons with your partner for your decision (c) Attack them with a chair in front of a rabble of cheering pumped-up inbreds on national television. 2. You and your mates decide to have a game of football in the park. What do you need to take? (a) A ball (b) A ball and 2 coats (c) A ball 50 crash helmets, 4 tons of body armour, 20 cheerleaders,a marching sousaphone band with a grand piano on a trolley, and a team of orthopaedic surgeons specializing in spinal injuries. 3. You are driving along a country road when you accidentally run over a rabbit. What do you do? (a) Stop and see how badly injured it is, taking it to a vet if it is still alive (b) Carry on driving, but hope it is still alive, or if not, that it died quickly (c) Strap it across the bonnet of your car and drive home hollering, whooping and throwing empty Budweiser cans out of the window. 4. You wake up in the morning with a stiff neck after sleeping in an awkward position. What do you do? (a) Ignore it. It will probably loosen up as the day progresses (b) Take a couple of aspirins and get on with things. (c) Take yourself to a prostitute-addicted TV evangelist faith healer in an ill-fitting wig, who will lay his hands on your head, whilst screaming about the devil in front of an audience of gibbering inbreds. 5. What do you have for breakfast? (a) A bowl of Cornflakes, slice of toast and a mug of tea (b) Glass of orange juice, croissant and a cup of coffee (c) A bag of donuts with ice cream, a 32 ounce steak with six eggs sunny side-up, fifteen pancakes with maple syrup, ten waffles, five corn dogs and a diet root beer. 6. You and your partner decide to take the plunge and get married. What sort of ceremony do you have? (a) A quiet party with a few friends in a registry office (b) A church service followed by a traditional reception at a hotel (c) A minute long mockery at a 24 hour drive-through chapel in Las Vegas, presided over by a transvestite vicar dressed as Elvis. 7. Your 14-year-old son is going through a difficult phase, becoming disruptive at school and reclusive at home. What do you do? (a) Don't worry. Its just a phase and will pass. (b) Encourage him to get out more, get involved in team sports or join a youth club. (c) Take him to an armoury and buy him an arsenal of semi-automatic weapons and enough ammunition to slaughter a small town. 8. You fancy a night in watching something funny on TV. What kind of comedy do you choose? (a) A sitcom like Fawlty Towers or Father Ted (b) A sketch show like the Two Ronnies or the Fast show (c) A thinly disguised morality play set in a massive lounge where the audience whoop for ten minutes every time an overpaid actor with a superglued grin on his face makes an entrance to deliver a lightweight wisecrack. 9. Whilst getting ready for bed, you stub your toe on your wife's dressing table. What do you do? (a) Shout and swear a bit, after all, it did hurt (b) Make a mental note to move the table so it doesn't happen again (c) Immediately call a hotshot lawyer with an uptown reputation, and sue your wife's ass. 10. You are responsible for the USA's presidential electoral process. Do you: (a) Count all votes and declare a winner (b) Count all votes and declare a winner (c) Let the press declare who's won before the votes are counted; then count only the votes which have been handed in by a deadline whilst not checking if Bud, the hillbilly sheriff of nowheres-ville, has left several thousand votes in the trunk of his Chevy 'by mistake' then force a recount of only some of the votes within just one state and allow only 12 seconds for the recount to take place; the be amazed that the recount hasn't finished by the deadline and increase the deadline by another 3.2 seconds; then ignore all votes and let four judges decide the result, making sure the judges all support the same candidate; then ponce around the world telling other countries how to run their own elections. Answers... If you answered: mostly (a)'s & (b)'s then you are a normal well-balanced individual. mostly (c)'s then do the world a favour and shoot yourself with the anti-tank weapon you carry in the glove-box of you pick-up truck.