China buys Canadian lobsters to start Great Lobster Army

China buys Canadian lobsters to start Great Lobster Army

Beijing — In under 24 hours last week, more than 140,000 live Canadian lobsters were purchased through a Beijing-based online retailer. New Brunswick suppliers say that the demand will only grow from here.

The question is, what do they plan to do with them?

Premier Brian Gallant says that he’s not concerned what the Chinese do with the lobsters.

“I’m interested, primarily, in fostering lucrative foreign trade deals for our local products,” he explained. “After that, they can shove ‘em up their ass for all I care.”

Following a lead in the form of an ad posted online looking for “combat trainers familiar with Maritime sea life,” The Manatee decided to go under cover. A reporter, posing as a military-trained fisherman, was able to infiltrate the small base in southern Beijing where the lobsters were being housed.

When inside, the reporter was met by the leader of the operation, Zhao Shi, a dapper man in full military garb who described his theory that a fully trained lobster army would give China a true competitive edge on the world stage.

“Our country’s human army is near-perfect,” he said. “But beyond that, a Great Lobster Army could really put us ahead of the advanced military standings of other developed countries.”

“You mean like Canada?” the reporter posited.

“Er…yeah, sure. Like Canada,” said Shi, rolling his eyes. “That’s the kind of military we want.”

As Shi continued to outline his grandiose plans for world domination, they passed several rooms where lobsters were being “trained,” lazily snapping at slow-moving targets.

“Above all, we’re looking for ways for them to protect themselves from their greatest weakness,” he said with a clenched fist and resolute expression. “Melted butter.”

The Manatee’s reporter remarked that the army, such as it was, was not terribly threatening.

“Ah,” Shi said, with a knowing look as if the idea he was putting forward wasn’t terrible, “Wait until you see what happens when we dip the lobsters in radioactive waste.”

“What happens?” asked the reporter.

“Right now? They die,” Shi admitted. “But once we get the measurements right, we expect them to grow up to 50 feet, and shoot laser-beams out of their eyes!”

“Oh, make them fly, too!” suggested a nearby guard.

“Yeah, they’re going to fly as well,” agreed Shi, with a nod.

A few minutes later, as Shi turned his back to proudly watch a group of lobsters perform a listless battle dance, the reporter made his escape, quickly grabbing two soldiers-in-training on his way out.

On the plane ride back to Canada, he ate like royalty.

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