Dear lunaKM,

My boyfriend and I have decided to enter into a D/s relationship as fully as we can. Though I love serving my Dom, I find myself resentful that, mostly, sex involves his orgasms and not mine.  Very rarely does he seem interested in my pleasure at all or trying to connect my pleasure with my pain. Also, he doesn't provide any aftercare though spanks long and hard at times. When I try to talk with him about these things, he either finds me disrespectful or mentions that he is pleasing me by allowing me to experience pain and a feeling of being used. As I'm new to the D/s scene, do I need to accept that my pleasure is not a consideration in our relationship? Am I out of line?

Dear frustrated and new,

You are certainly in a difficult situation but it has a relatively easy answer. If you feel that your sexual pleasure and preferences are important to your happiness in the relationship then they need to be addressed and cared for.

There are D/s relationships set up that the submissive is there to be used and enjoys it that way. It was negotiated that they want to feel used and not have their sexual needs taken care of. So, it's not out of the ordinary to have a relationship like that. However, it's quite clear from your questions that you don't want to have a dynamic where your sexual desires, orgasms, and aftercare are left out. That's the key here.

You are new and so you probably didn't know what you wanted at first, but you are learning more and more about yourself in this. You know that you are not happy with how things are and how he's dismissing your concerns. You know he's not giving you what you want in this exchange. You've tried to talk to him about it and he ignores it or says that he's giving you exactly what you supposedly want. Maybe in this new exploration, he finds that he likes treating you like a sex object without opinion or care for your own pleasure. Maybe he's just so new and ignorant to how this is impacting you. It's really hard for me to say for sure. This is for you to figure out.

I'd suggest trying to talk to him again and ask him if disregarding your pleasure and not offering aftercare is how he enjoys being Dominant. Just as I said above that there are submissives who like being ignored and denied, there are Dominants who like to do that. If he's finding that his Dominant pleasure is treating his submissive as in object and you don't like being an object then you've found a compatibility issue that likely will not go away. Once you know this about him, you have to decide if it's worth continuing the D/s or the relationship at all. Some incompatibilities can't be overcome and this would be one of them since your happiness is at odds with his. Now, if you find this is pure ignorance on his part, then education for both of you might be helpful and I suggest you read a few beginner BDSM books together and discuss things, go to munches if you are social people and start over. It doesn't have to be the end if he is willing to work your pleasure into the relationship and to learn more about aftercare.

Keep an open mind and honest heart and you will be able to see if the issue is turning into a difficult decision for you or if you both just need more education and starting over.

Good luck,