Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Title: Under This, There Are More Words!

First of all, I have to say I was deeply moved by the outpouring of support following my revelation that I suffer from occasional bouts of the "creeping crud."  I'd also like to thank everybody who suggested treatment and prevention methods, and especially those of you who attempted to make diagnoses.  So far, the most likely explanations for this affliction are as follows:

--I have a semen allergy;
--I am in the late stages of syphilis;
--I am a "woosie."

Actually, these things tend to be cumulative, so odds are I suffer from all three.

In any case, it's precisely this sort of can-do Internet self-diagnosis that makes universal health care so profoundly unnecessary in the USA.  So suck on that, Canada.  You can take your socialized medicine and your "Obamacare" and stick it where the sun don't shine.  (In other words, way up north for like half the year.)  And as for you Americans who don't have health coverage and like to complain, you need to get over it.  Wounded?  Ailing?  Dying?  Just grab those bootstraps and pull!  You'll be feeling great in no time.  You've got WebMD and you've got easy access to firearms.  What else do you need?

Anyway, I'm pleased to announce I've finally culled a treatment program from all these suggestions, and starting today I'm embarking on a kosher vegan freegan all-foraging diet and limiting my riding to off-road unicycling.

Also, for some sobering perspective, while I was simpering on about how I came over all itchy, commenter Leroy was actually attacked by a wild animal during his summer vacation, and here is that animal:

(Photo by Leroy's dog.)

From what I understand, the beast pounced from the foliage and gave chase, but Leroy was finally able to ride it off his wheel using the Cat 6 attacking skills he's honed from years of crossing the East River bridges.

As for the turtle, the chase left him exhausted, but he did find a way to cool off:

("There you go, little friend.")

There's a lot to love about cycling, but perhaps the most beautiful thing about it is that it puts you in touch with nature.

Speaking of Cat 6 racing, in the cutthroat world of racing people who don't know they're racing you're only as fast as your bike, and I received an email from Esteemed Commenter Daddo One reading simply "one day, you will need this" and accompanied with the following image.

He's exactly right, and that day is today.  I'd Cat 6 the fuck out of some Citi Bikers on that baby.

There's one person I wouldn't be able to beat though, and that's this guy:

Sure, he may not be the Lone Wolf:

But he's arguably the world's most accomplished cycling lone wolf--not to mention he travels with his own karaoke machine:

Mr. Lai said he had relied on donations of food, shelter and money from strangers along the way, and on his outdoors-survivor skills – often living off the land and sleeping in a tent.

He travels with a portable karaoke machine, so that he can stop and belt out 1980s Chinese pop songs for donations.

And as they say in the Old Country (although which one I'm not sure), "Language barrier, schmanguage barrier:"

To communicate, he has asked people along the journey to help him write basic requests in various languages on Post-its, which he then staples together into phrase books:

"Please help me get to Chinatown. Thank you!”
“Can I find Chinese people nearby?”
“Would you please fill my bottle with hot water?”
“Would you please shelter me for the night?”

You actually encounter a lot of this sort of thing in New York, though the visitors are usually from Portland and the line of questioning is a little different:

"Please help me get to Bushwick.  Thank you!"
"Can I find 'artisanal' people nearby?"
"Would you please fill my Thermos with Stumptown?"
"Would you please direct me to the Ace Hotel?"

Generally I just direct them to the Queensbound J train and tell them to ride it to the end of the line, but I suppose this will backfire when Jamaica becomes the new Williamsburg.

Of course, the other difference between Mr. Lai and your typical hapless tourist is that if things get dicey he'll kick your ass with his kung fu moves:

Mr. Lai practices kung fu, which he said had helped him during several scrapes on his journey, including a confrontation in Siberia with a group of motorcyclists armed with handguns.

Through a combination of dancing, singing and kung fu moves, Mr. Lai said he was able to defuse the situation. Soon he was showing the bikers photos of his trek.

Cinephiles will no doubt be familiar with the following quote:

Pootie Tang will draw you a picture of how he gonna kick your ass, then mail it to you ten days in advance. The picture gets there right? You're goin', "What the hell is this?" and then Pootie Tang knocks on your door, promptly kicks your ass and you still won't know what happened to you!


Well, I'd argue that beating the crap out of a motorcycle gang and then showing them pictures of your bike tour is no less formidable.

Meanwhile, if you're wondering why America is screwed despite our universal access to Internet self-diagnosis and assault weaponry, here's your answer:

Yes, while people from China are setting out on rides around the world with only $20 and a smattering of kung fu, Americans want $8,000 before they even throw a leg over the saddle--though they'll give you plenty of "inspiration" in return:

Help us help you help us help you overcome the mountains of necessary funding we require so we can overcome mountains to help inspire you to overcome mountains.

At least that's what I think he said.

In fairness to the filmmakers though, it sounds like they're planning to go anyway, and they just want the money so they can buy more film shit.  However, I'd suggest they just go on the ride and skip the movie, because one person's life-changing vacation is another person's sleep aid.  I sincerely hope they have a great time, but I have very little interest in hearing about it afterwards.  Can't I just watch "Empire of the Sun" and be done with it?

Then again, I was impressed with the training scene:

As well as evidence of the last remaining kickstand-and-Biopace-equipped bicycle in existence, complete with intact pie plate:

The mountains of China will surely be flattened under this machine's mighty wheels.

If nothing else, all of these adventures serve to make my own seem thoroughly inconsequential.  I mean, my idea of a big ride is the Rapha Gentlemen's Race--and I didn't even make it into the movie!

Sheesh.  The only reason I did the ride was to be immortalized in Rapha Douche-O-Vision™!

Clearly I need to cultivate a more exquisite suffer face.

Oh, well, back to studying those Pamprin commercials:

If you can tell me the difference between this and a Rapha video I'd love to know what it is.


velobotomy said...

woo hoo!

streepo said...

more words than what?

Anonymous said...

Cadel for the Whine!

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Two Days in a Row of Top 10!


Anonymous said...


that would be the perfect compliment to my night light bike, where do you mount it? Next tot he water bottle?

DerZoots said...

Top Teennn!


Now I must go to the readingz.

Robot stopper wordz: 11 ediacv

One Hole said...

net pot

RoadQueen said...

Happy Tuesday! Why does it feel like Monday all over again...?

wishiwasmerckx said...

Top ten again on an early post.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Why aren't you losers watching the tour coverage?

Posting during the final run-in?

Will Cavendish be relegated for that WWE takedown during the final sprint?

Comment deleted said...

I ward off attacks with a combination of break dancing, recitation of Shakespeare and vomiting.

Yarpo said...

12tee-eth! Scranus, Twatwaffles, and Vulvanuseseses.

Udder said...

I'm really tired of all these assholes who think their long rides (across America, the world, wherever) are somehow holy– or interesting– but I'm even more pissed when they want my money for it.

It's simply begging using social media. Fuck you all.

Yarpo said...

Nice handlebar throw, Comment Deleted! Didn't see you flying in from the side.

Anyway, Scranus, Twatwaffles, and...and...the other thing...

Marcel Da Chump said...

Everybody was Kung Fu fighting.

Anonymous said...

The main difference between a Pamprin ad and the Rapha video is that the Rapha video has salty dried sweat stains that look like Rorschach tests at the end.

Anonymous said...

Cleveland yeah!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Thank Lob Leroy and his dog survived that horrible encounter.

Anonymous said...

Bio Pace.
My wife's bike still has that. I can't talk her into upgrading.

le Correcteur said...

top twenty; thought I was really late for Monday's.

Anonymous said...

ghost ride the whip

le Correcteur said...

Damn! Nipped at the line for 20th! That sucks!

wishiwasmerckx said...

Did anyone else see that commercial during the TdF coverage today?

"If you or a loved one took EPO in an off-label use to enhance your middle-pack cycling career and now suffer from exercised-induced hives of unknown origin, call my law office. You may be entitled to substantial monetary compensation."

Curious, huh?

The King of Park Slope said...

Kung Fu Panhandlerda?

Yarpo said...

I persevered to the 1:09 mark on the begging for money video. I'm apparently less than relentless when it comes to trying to watch douche-y videos starring a, "Lead Cinematographer." 4 minutes and 9 seconds is in a realm that I'm just not good enough to dwell in.

Couldn't last through the Rapha Video either...but Pamprin? WATCHED IT TWICE! The collabo between the music, the hair (oh, the HAIR!) and the painful narrative voice...just awesome. I would give them money to ride through China, if they asked. If they're still alive.

Leroy: Thank Lob you're alive. Your dog has some nice photographic skillz! I shudder to think of what that vicious creature would have done to you and your Garmin waterbottles had it caught you.

Chapeau to Velobotomy, streepo, and Anon 11:49 for their Podium Victory. An exciting scranus-y sprint battle for the Top Two! THAT is what Blog Comment Racing is all about!


Buffalo Bill said...

Just back from old blighty where I rode the boris bikes all over the town. What did I miss?

Buffalo Bill said...

Oh yeah, now that I'm back in cowtown, the teevee shows chuckwagon races 24/7 but french style bicycle cycling racing coverage? not.

ChamoisJuice said...

Hmm: scantily clad women, amusing bicycle setups, Lone Wolf with a star of david, semen allergies, Canada baiting: not bad, would be better with more yiddish.

I liked the 2009 link: when you posted about tattoos and people that have sex for reasons other than procreation.

I have been non-itonically enjoying this blog about a crazy guy on a bike riding across Siberia. He did not even beg for money on Kickstarter

Tour of France. FOR PUSSIES! Make that shit Tour of Siberia, I might watch.

balls™ said...

I'm late to the party, but here's my unwanted advice for whatever ails you...

Sex, and more of it. Damn the semen allergy, full speed ahead.

At least, that's what I always tell the wife. It may not work, but it's always worth a try.

Matt said...

Lead cinemaphotographer guy not only has kickstand, Biopace and pieplate, he also has 1970s suicide levers. Those are those brake lever extensions that go along the handlebar but which hit the bar long before full braking power is applied.

Also, he has car posters in his room.

Anyway, fuck him and fuck everyone who looks like him and fuck all these people wanting money for their vacations.

Anonymous said...

I ward off attacks by breaking out in hives and lying in the road. Oh, and singing 1980s Chinese popular music.

hellbelly said...

You and the rest of your "gentlemen" nabbed 5th at Rapha, ergo your suckage must not have been too much of a hindrance. Plus with your advancing age you can employ great cliched exclamations like "I still got it, heh!" similar to the things you might hear from a bawdy uncle at a Yom Kippur breaking of the fast.

McFly said...

Damn. A set of deep ZIPP wheels can make anything look good. They really offset the doodoo brown paint.


Anonymous said...

"...and limiting my riding to off-road unicycling."


television_writer said...

I use gymnastics to ward off my enemies.

It's so powerful they made a movie, uhhh no, tv show, uhh no, a cartoon about it. Mr. T and me were best buds at the time. Then I hooked up with Aaron Sorkin and Mr. T didn't like Aaron.

Anyone remember another Saturday morning cartoon with a gymnastics theme? I swear there was at least one more.

Robot stack failure

Anonymous said...

I just noticed - In the WorkCycles sponsored ad, there is Bret, riding some kind of child transport bicycle. Cool and scary at the same time. Does WorkCycles know about Bret, or were they clueless?

commie said...

Snob's right, those MD apps are awesome. Just type in the symptoms:
excess secretions
mysterious facial stubble

..and a minute later, the email chimes, "YOU HAVE...Cippoloni Syndrome!"

I'm sure you heard Toronto flooded yesterday..buncha NYC wanna-bees. You could see the crack pipes floating out of City Hall all evening.


BamaPhred said...

Blogging back to form! I am experiencing post hives advice giving car hood rodent induced suckage. Time cut on blog race. I can't believe the bald faced panhandling that passes itself off as Kickstarter. Get out on the street and beg for money like a (use whatever gender you like, or none at all). Scranus

CommieCanuck said...

I'm riding my bike to Chris's coffee shop later today... 1800 arduous meters (that's like 6300 miles), looking for funding on kickstarter, those biscotti are good, but pricey.

Freddy Murcks said...

I went for a road bicycling ride this morning. I neither broke out in hives nor did I faint. But I still felt like a not-so-esteemed visitor from Planet Fred.

harkst 20

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

Certainly is clear that everyone in both the Pamprin AND Rapha Videos needed a tampon.

Anonymous said...

Snob...I'll tell you difference between the Rapha douchebag video and that Pamprin commercial. I prefer to run my hands through that gal's hair while I whisper sweet nuthin's in her ear to soothe her pain, whereas I prefer to stick my axe handle through the spokes of the douche wheels turning in that craptastic Rapha flog-fest causing them pain. That's the difference.

As to diagnosimizing your simptums. I think you may be allergic to being bicycle cycling Fred.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 1:15pm,

It was their idea.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

JB said...

whites, LOL

Jimboner said...

Hardy har har.

crosspalms said...

Snob, I'm glad you and Leroy both survived your encounters with the animal kingdom. Nature is not to be trifled with.

I was too late to comment on yesterday's JAMA special, but I'd have been no help anyway. I've never had hives, but I understand they're often associated with bees, so that might be worth looking into.

DB, I'd forgotten you were going to NYC over the weekend. My wife and I were there too, but it was a lightning visit for a wedding. We were in and out so fast only a couple of expensive restaurants even knew we were there. And after a few cab trips I'm no longer surprised cars jump the curb and squash people. Considering how they drive it's actually pretty rare.

Two NY high points: angry young black man in shorts and ratty T-shirt walking down the sidewalk saying "Harvard, I don't need your fucking degree"; angry old bald white woman about 4 feet tall coming through a door who waved me out of her way and ran over my foot with her grocery cart.

Anonymous said...

I'm glad to see the comments back on track. Up the arse with the sympathy posts.

You think you got problems?

leroy said...

Good thing my dog didn't photograph my handlebars. The Hello Kitty logos on the tape don't quite line up.

Anonymous said...

Kickstarter documentary idea:

Ride through 3rd world countries with a "lead cinematographer". Film riding footage; action/chase scenes of participants fending off locals angry about late night karaoke; up close and personal vignettes of food poisoning, allergic reactions and road rash infections.

I'd pay to see that.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Cofidis rider Luis Angel Mate was in the break today. He is undistinguished for his riding abilities, but noteworthy for his double rat tail haircut.

Bet he drives a vintage TransAm and keeps a snake for a pet.

Anonymous said...

Off road unicycling would probably make your idiopathic uticaria worse, but you could easily bunny hop the beast that almost got Leroy and his dog.

Anonymous said...

Does idiopathic mean you can read the minds of halfwits?

Redmeat said...

Biopace, it sounds like a system one uses to predict menstrual cycles.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

Spoiler Alert!

Mate also looked like his shorts were wearing a little thin.

Anonymous said...

Rapha should rename the ride from "Gentleman" ride to "Skinny Bearded White Guy" ride. I love the epic hill climb footage. Shows you how pathetic us average cyclists are compared to the pros.

wle said...

bsnyc, you made it into douche-o-vision, i think that is you in the results under DNF!!!

''damn nice fromage''!


ETF said...

Since you mentioned Citi Bikes, "Cycling Utah" reports that Greenbike, bike share program users in Salt Lake City made 10,000trips in 70 days with no flats or stolen bikes. That is a lot of Cat 6 race potential for Salt Lake City "Freds."

ETF said...

Speaking of Citi Bikes, Wikipedia reports that there are 535 bike-sharing programmes around the world comprising of and estimated517,000 bicycles. Except for NYC, that's a good thing, right? P.S. "The countries with the most systems are Spain(132), Italy (104), and China (79)." It is definitely a Cat 6 world.

Dooth said...

And here I am, thinking I'm the only cyclist riding around with a karaoke machine. I've been crooning Daft Punk's "Get Lucky"...
"she's up all night 'til the sun
I'm up all night to get some
she's up all night for good fun
I'm all night to get lucky."

ChamoisJuice said...

How do YOU pass other bike riders?

I usually just look straight ahead, NO EYE CONTACT, refusing to acknowledge their existence, in the hopes that they don't take the pass as a challenge.

Anonymous said...

Damn, Crosspalms, we could have met up for a twenty dollar cocktail somewhere. Next time for sure.
Our only crazy person encounter was on the N train in Astoria. The subway was delayed for maybe eight minutes and some woman lost it in the heat and started swearing at the conductor to get this fucking train moving, right now!
Other than that, we had the usual break dancing morons that seem to follow us around whenever we're there.
Hope you had a great trip.

ETF said...

Speaking of Citi Bikes "Bike Utah" reports that "Second to knee pain, lower back pain (LBP) is frequently cited as an issue cyclists encounter... ...Cycling recreationalists (think Fred) and racers (think elite Fred) alike are susceptible and the exact cause of the back pain is often tricky to diagnose." In contrast, bicyclists, such as Dutch bike and comfort bike, beach cruiser, and recumbent riders, around the world report no cases of LBP. They further claims that a comfortable riding position may be the cause of their lack of LBD. They also attribute their relative lack of LBP and knee pain to riding in moderation with frequent beer drinking stops.

VOR said...

CJ, good plan. Challenging a Citi Bike rider to a race could be psychologically devastating to you when you subsequently lose the race.

Anonymous said...

I have a bike with biopace and a kickstand. Although its only in place when pulling my tiny freds in a rubber baby buggy bumper device. Sadly, I dont have a pie plate.

JB said...

I just broke the yellowed pie plate off of the wife's circa 1990 Giant ATX [number]. True story.

Anonymous said...

Debate: What is the best bike name Giant has ever come up with?

I have to go with the Giant Boulder. Followed by the Giant Iguana. Very literal.

Anonymous said...


McFly said...

Steve Schlanger just told me that Peter Sagan had a big juicy steak on his rest day.

Have we learned nothing?

Anonymous said...

Okay WHERE IN THE HELL?!?! www.babespissingonturtles.com?

"Would you please fill my bottle with hot water?"

And man-oh-man: The shit-brown aero-Dutch kludgemobile gave me a literal LOL. I literally L'd O.L.

My 2nd favorite Finnish rock band is

4334 otselysi

(BTW I'm referring to these guys.)

Billy said...

mini-Bret in the Workcycles ad blew my mind. Funniest thing on the page!

Why are y'all flatting on gravel? That stuff isn't even really gravel, it's pretty finely ground. Almost like a stone dust path. They make bicycle wheels and tires that handle gravel, ragged pavement, etc. very gracefully, just FYI. But doing something practical like using a touring wheel setup would be out of character for the Rapha Race I guess.

The Rook said...

Ha! And,fie! Piffle,say I! The LAST kickstand and Biopace equipped cycling bicycle?! I will have you know, I have a 64cm Cyclepro Regent so equipped. I think. $75 simolians and it's yours, if your scranus or taint can hack it. Also, the last time I fell of my steed,the cialis was still working, and passersby gave my some REAL surprised looks. ---1108 pagerect! Robot wood.

Phuq said...


watesma problem

BikeSnobNYC said...


No flats on our team. I used touring tires, didn't pay attention to anyone else's bike.

I imagine plenty of people pinch-flatted, there were some bumps and stuff.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Grump said...

Of the three choices, I'll pick "I am a "woosie.""

My advise is to ...HTFU..

In my entire career as a crappy bike racer, I've failed to complete a ride or race only four times. three times because of broken bones, and once because i had the bright idea that I could do a 95 degree 40K TT while I was running a 100 degree Temp. (Not my smartest move)

Anonymous said...

We confronted by a motorcycle "club," I just wet my pants and sob. They don't notice me sneaking away while they laugh. Chamois has surprisingly good diaper characteristics.

Anonymous said...

Recently deposed Australian Prime Minister Julia Gillard looks like that "Portland woman" sitting on a desk.

Is this why Gillard was ditched?

Sconeds said...

Damn it anonymous, ya just beat me too it regarding Julia Gilard.

Biopace, Kickstand and Quickrelease on Wrong side.

babble on said...

My boy Tuft crashed today. :(

Thanks for all the chuckles, snobbers. Good one. I can just imagine the new kung fu karaoke militia as the best urban guerillas ever.

Sign me up. All that off fucking and bicycle cycling is good for the soul. I want to be as old as Yoda one day, singing and cycling my way around the world... :)

Fat-bottomed Girl said...

Regarding Rapha: You mean those women were Gentlemen too?! Suddenly I feel liberated, I feel like I could do anything a Gentleman could do. In fact I'm going to slow motion drag my 20kg steel upright bicycle into the local creek RIGHT NOW! Or as soon as these terrible menstrual cramps pass. Thanks, Rapha!

Anonymous said...

Hey Fat-Bottom Girl why do they call you Fa.....oh that's a nice one....may I touch it?

rural_14 said...

Rural 1st

That's my turtle!

Anonymous said...


guess it works better than farting and tap-dancing

dnk said...

"lead cinematographer"

Colored Blind said...

My dog says Leroy's dog couldn't have taken the picture because dogs only photograph using black & white film. Something about only dogs can appreciate a grainy b & w cinema verite view of the world.

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