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Book Description

Tom was just a regular guy living a regular life in a regular city in Maryland, U.S.A. He had a regular job as a telemarketer. He had regular friends, like his gnome coworker and his dwarf gym buddy (well, they would have been gym buddies if they ever bothered to go). He watched regular t.v. shows, like the ANN Nightly News with Marty McGruff, the charismatic and adorable beagle reporter, and his gorgeous elf co-host Twinkle Starlight, who everyone said didn’t look a day over 290. And he had a regular girlfriend.

The last thing Tom expected when planning a road trip was that his girlfriend would dump him on the first day, leaving him to drive across the country alone. Alone, that is, until he picked up two hitchhikers: a dwarven woman named Bernaditta who was looking for Mr. Right (or at least Mr. Hairy) and a powerful, but not terribly bright, orc named Thrug who wanted to “learn civilized” in an attempt to liberate his fellow orcs and integrate them into modern society.

Tom had no desire to find Bernaditta a husband, and he certainly had no desire to emancipate the orcs (who, in his mind, were probably just fine where they were on the reservations), but sometimes it’s easier just to roll with the punches, especially when the one throwing them is a seven-foot-tall green brute.

Now Tom’s regular road trip might include a few small detours to see the sights or, maybe, stop a terrorist attack. He must find a way to get through the rest of it alive and preferably with all of his limbs still attached.

Main Characters

Tom Matherson
The human looked like most other humans to Thrug. He was wearing a t-shirt and jeans, only they were cleaner and had fewer holes than most orc clothing. He was of about average height, weight, and build; which is to say he was small and squishy.
At this moment a human male who appeared extraordinarily ordinary arrived.
Tom shuddered at the thought, half because the hair on Bernaditta’s leg was so thick that it looked like she’d glued carpet to it, and half because she had another leg just like it.
Bernaditta used words like a fire hose, and his smoldering anger was having a hard time staying alight amidst the onslaught.
In the brief paralyzed moment face-to-face with Thrug, Tom noticed many things. He noticed Thrug’s dark green eyes. He noticed that, while he didn’t have eyebrows or any other hair, he somehow gave the impression of having eyebrows; and the eyebrows he didn’t have looked very angry indeed. Chiefly, Tom noticed his teeth. He had fangs. These were proper fangs, not like the little canines that humans had. These were teeth that were drawing blood long before the other teeth even got to the skin. These were teeth that all the baby teeth wanted to be like when they grew up, until they got older and decided that the daily grind of a molar wasn’t so bad after all.