Showing posts from June, 2012

Evidence that one doesn't have to spend hours reading fairy tales to children if one is canny about it ...

Now I am to become a grandmother, I need to get my stock of fairy tales sorted in case I'm asked to babysit.  They're so LONG, though, aren't they?  What were the Grimms THINKING?!  Didn't THEY ever need to get downstairs in time for Coronation Street?  

It's no good.  Some cuts will have to be made.  So ...

Even Littler Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood lived near the forest with her mother.  One day, her mother said, ‘If I bake some cakes, will you take them to Grandmother?  Only, be careful as you walk through the forest, because of the wolf.  He is dangerous and fierce and will eat you.’              The little girl had barely been on the forest path for five minutes before she saw the wolf.  She stopped, petrified.  But the wolf did not seem to even notice her at first.  He had his hairy head buried in a book called ‘Lupine Anger Management - Module 1.’               Just then, the Wolf’s head emerged from the book.             ‘Oh, hi there, hun,’ he said, …

Evidence that I am not quite ready to be declared officially old

People have been asking, 'Are you a Granny yet?'

This is because my husband's mother's son's son's wife's baby (my son's wife - just showing off about apostrophes) was due to give birth last Saturday.

I said to all three of my kids a while back, 'If any of you produce offspring before my 50th birthday, launching me into yet another generation, I will not be happy.'  As it is, I've been 50 for 2 months exactly today.  That's what I call sailing close to the wind.

So, I'm on tenterhooks, whatever the hell they are, waiting for news.  Hang on.  Am going to have to google ............... Wait there.

on tenterhooks
anxiously waiting for news about someone or something She was on tenterhooks until her son called and said he was not hurt. Etymology: based on the literal meaning of tenterhook(a hook that holds cloth that is stretched to dry), suggesting that someone's emotions are tightly stretched like a piece of cloth held by tenterhook…

Evidence that socialising more may just be a case of forgetting your umbrella

You know how you suddenly find you've had a conversation with a complete stranger?  Why does this happen?

1.  When you've forgotten something

I was walking along the road today when a lady walking ahead suddenly stopped, turned round, and headed back towards the other way, towards me.  As she was passing me, she stopped and said, 'Forgotten my umbrella!  Silly me!' and I stopped and said, 'Ha ha, I'm always doing that!' and she said, 'I know.  Isn't it annoying?  Then you have to go ALL the way back!' and I said, 'Yeah, SO irritating' and then we said 'bye' to each other like we'd met each other in 1845 and had been meeting for drinks on Fridays ever since, and I went on my way.  Why did she feel she had to tell me?  She had a perfect right to double back without deferring to me.  Why do we do this?

2.  When someone has been blocking you on the street

Later, in town, I was trying to walk down quite a narrow pavement.  But th…

More evidence that the wrong consonant makes all the difference to a famous book title

More typo-lit, one of my favourite genres:

To Kilt a Mockingbird - a tale set in the Southern States of America in which a young family move into the area from Aberdeen.  The children are found dressing the local wildlife in tartan and have to be taught that clothing innocent victims in bright material is not acceptable.  The little girl (Scot) says, 'Shoot, Pa, that's the darndest thing I ever did hear!' and there is surprise all round at her adoption of the local dialect in such a short time.

To Kiln a Mockingbird - a tale set in the Southern States of America in which a wise father teaches his children that to put an innocent bird into a red-hot oven, converting it into an attractive china piece for the kitchen, was bound to upset Aunt Alexandra when given as a birthday present, and if this was indeed their intention, they deserved a whipping.   They don't get the whipping; the father can't stand Aunt Alexandra either.

To Bill a Mockingbird - a tale set in the Sout…

Reasons why polygamy should be permitted in exceptional circumstances

Oh.  My.  Word.  I have just found my ideal man, and if I wasn't already married, I would be googling him and inviting him round so that we could read the dictionary together ... and maybe more, as they say in the small ads.

You HAVE to watch him, and find out why.  My heart was actually thumping as he talked.

Watch Fran's ideal man in action, and think once again, should she be allowed out?