Oh…go Fuck yourself.

-Shit that irks me in comedy.

-I think people are overly sensitive, like seriously, I was raised by two New Yorker’s..I don’t give a fuck about your feelings. I just want you to listen and understand my point my view. You don’t have to necessarily agree with me, but hear me out. I’m a clever asshole.

-I think some people fear a female asshole. Like they want a woman to go on stage and just self depreicate  or be overly sexual. I love dirty jokes, but I like to be filthy in a squeaky clean way. I like mind fucking people. It’s fun. It’s a drug. It’s power.

-I can come across as self-entitled, but I’m not. I am just an asshole. I’m a special kind of an asshole though, I like to blast the music in my car so I don’t have to hear any sirens.

-I am fairly clean on stage with the exception of utilizing the words fuck and twat. Why? because I feel like it. That’s me BUT BUT I love a good dirty comic, just be dirty with a point not for shock value.

-When people tell me I will get ahead because I’m a woman. Yeah, whatever bro. I will get ahead because I am fucking talented and hard working.girlnextdoor

New Photo on my Facebook: By Kevin Mcyntire

Have you listened to my podcast yet? Please do so. It’s free.














Marriage is not interesting.



To me.

I am at that age where all every girl wants to do is get married. I get asked on a regular basis..the infamous when are you going to get married? I do not have any interest in marriage…here is why.

I think relationships are like a baseball game.

Right now I am one of the star players, because, I am young, fast and have the ability to score at a rapid pace. This is not going to last forever. Time will take away my youth and will force me out of the game and when that time comes, I will get married.

Society likes to tell women they must get married in their 20’s because that is when their beauty peaks and they have more shots at finding a suitable partner. Dear society…you can kiss my ass. I think women get hotter in their 30’s and 40’s because they have a substantial amount of life experience under their belt, and they seem to become more sexually secure. I also believe marriage would work better if people settled down later in life. As far as babies are concerned, it is 2016 if you’re financially secure have a kid…you do not need a fancy cake and a piece of paper to determine that decision.


I have another show coming up on January 24th at 9pm at El Bar. COME SEE ME! There will be lots of great comics!!

 3256 Cahuenga Blvd W, Los Angeles, CA 90068







#TBT Fuck Beauty


I was a realllyyyyyyy cute kid, and because of it, I was able to raise havoc and get away with it. Cute kids can pull stunts like that, but it wasn’t my cuteness that people around me focused on, it was my brains. I was always really bright, and incredibly creative, and I still am.

I am alittle sick and tired of blogs, memes, billboards, ads, magazines, etc trying to portray this “we are all beautiful bullshit”, no matter your size, age, color, height, gender, you get it, because it’s bullshit. I want to make a gigantic billboard that says “No matter what you look like you will get old, and ugly” end of story. Why can’t we focus on stuff that actually matters? Cindy Crawford was a super model in the 90s, she looks old, wrinkly, and ugly to me…her looks faded, just like every other pretty girl’s will. They don’t last forever. So, why can’t we focus on stuff that actually matters? Why not teach people that being genuine, is a whole lot cooler than being pretty, and being witty will actually get you farther than pretty. It will also attract people who GENUINELY give a flying fuck about you. Pretty people get used, that’s  one of the reasons why so many of them are screwed up in the head. They are constantly being judged.

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Romantic Comedies & All of Their Stupidity

You probably have seen a romantic comedy, in fact, you have probably seen ten, no maybe a thousand, and each one contains similar storylines, characters, and unrealistic shit about love. For example, many romantic comedies feature, a charming, sexy male lead that fucks every female in sight, because he is emotionally unstable, or a complete asshole, but by the end of the movie he has fallen madly in love with the female lead, and morphs into a really great guy. Hollywood lies to you.

This type of male character is known as the “alpha male”, and women LOVE them. We have all fallen for one, because alphas are confident, charming, and usually incredibly intelligent, and driven. They’re at the top of the food chain, and they know it. I truly believe alphas have an innate gene that drives them to cheat. Do I think all of them do so? No! I do think a significant amount of them do, because women flock to them like a bunch of tweens at a One Direction concert. These types of men  do not make good spouses, UNLESS you are cool with them being unfaithful, or perhaps, you want an open sexual relationship. There are plenty of women out there who do not want to be monogamous.

Hollywood also likes to portray the intelligent, realistic characters as the assholes, because let’s get real people love honesty, but they hate the truth. One of my favorite characters in a romantic comedy is Justin Long’s character in He’s Just Not That into You, because his character said it like it is and didn’t hold anything back. “If a guy is treating you like he doesn’t give a shit, he literally doesn’t give a shit”, and so many girls just do not get it! They make up so many excuses, but the truth is if a guy ignores you, he doesn’t give a fuck! If a guy truly has interest in you will definitely know by his actions. Long’s character is seen as somewhat emotionless, and of course he ends up with the dippy Gigi, who he has been helping throughout the entire film. That’s Hollywood.

Alexa VS MOZ

For those of you that do not know, I work in internet marketing! I am currently only marketing one company, and that includes assisting with their social media. I love social media, and marketing, I hope to own an online public relations company, because it is something I am passionate about, and I am pretty good at forming relationships with people, I dunno, people seem to like me. Anyways, I am loving Alexa, because it is so easy to use, and I can find information in a matter of seconds. When you combine Alexa, and Google analytics together you can really see how well your website is doing, and what sort of content you should be using in order to gain traffic to both your social media sites, and actual website. Content INCLUDES photos! Photos that are properly tagged can help you rank, plus people like photos, too much text is OLD SCHOOL!

MOZ is cool and all, but I like Alexa more, because it is simple, and allows me to see what I want to quickly.

***Also, I am going to be hosting for Trends TV! If you are a local Socal business, and would like to get featured, email me!!! Jaclynashley79@gmail.com

LA Tips!

LA can suck really…you know what REALLY REALLY FUCKING SUCKS????

Parking tickets, and getting your car towed.

If you’re thinking about visiting, or moving here here’s a few pointers.

#1 READ THE FUCKING SIGNS LOL. My friend and I were dumb last night and didn’t read the signs, therefore our cars were towed. I have only received two parking tickets, and thats really good! Some people have received at least 10.

#2. Theres no fucking parking spaces. Theres 20 businesses in one complex, but like 5 spaces.

#3 Some malls require you to pay for parking. Why do I need to pay for something that should always be free??

#4. You will hit traffic at any given time. Always leave early.

#5 Theres tons of crazy people.

#6 You can find a reasonably priced place on hotpads.com

#7 Not all apartments come with microwaves, stoves and fridges 🙂

#8 Theres plenty of free entertainment, you can go to live tapings for free, walk around and look at all the looneys on hollywood blvd for free, go to the beach, farmers markets etc.

My FIRST Long Awkward Pause Video!!!!!! BOY BAND LYRICS THAT SUCK!!!!

Good Morning Everyone,

I hope you had a lovely Christmas with your family and friends opening tons of presents while eating delicious fattening foods :). Now you can get to the same New Years Resolution you’ve had for the past five years, and that is to lose weight. Have fun with that. Anyways, I wanted to let you all know I am now making videos for the AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME blog www.longawkwardpause.com my first video is a countdown of some of the worst boy band lyrics of all time…please take a look https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uYgvmx_WfLI the videos will get better from  here 🙂 if you have any topic suggestions please feel free to comment below.