The Golden Rules of ErotiPorn

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Staff member
Mar 23, 2017
Las Vegas
Here are my ten golden rules for writing good erotiporn. Erotiporn is the hybrid of erotica (love stories involving genitalia) and pornography (filth without character development or plot). Good erotiporn is like good pussy: tight, wet, and clean.​
"Phil Phantom's Golden Rules of Writing Erotiporn"​
1. Let the beast within you write to the beast within your readers. The beast controls sexual response and all orgasms. Feed the beast, and the beast will reward you; ignore the beast, and you may as well be writing a script to a how-to video. Sex without orgasm is exercise; a story without orgasm is reading.​
2. Try to avoid the temptation to wander. When you write erotiporn, the beast within you is feeding you ideas. Your beast, and mine, are dumb shits that want everything in abundance, and they don't give a shit about reality. Keep your beast focused on the theme at hand, inject some semblance of reality, and try to stay within the bounds of the physical laws that govern our universe. If the beast persists, threaten to do your taxes.​
3. Avoid using "it." Replace as many "its" as possible with descriptive words. Also, look for the dead words like: there, there is, thing, something, them, they. Replacing these words with what they represent brings color to the picture you are painting. And always remember, the personal pronouns, his and her, confuse the reader if two or more hises or hers are in the same scene. Only erotica has one his and one her.​
4. Show, don't tell. A picture is worth a thousand words, so paint a picture and conserve band width. Also, don't try to explain or justify everyone's motives or feelings. The beast doesn't really give a shit; besides, actions speak louder than words, and action tightens a story.​
5. Avoid the cataloging of sex acts and focusing on numbers. You can introduce these facts (if they are necessary) in dialog or in action scenes.​
6. Don't change person or perspective. Either you tell the story, or let your main character tell the story. The omniscient viewpoint may make you feel like God, but you always end up telling too much because you know too much. Second person narratives have no place in erotiporn and should be relegated to how-to videos and love letters.​
7. Try to keep all main characters involved in the story until the end. If you find that the original cast of characters has been replaced by a new cast half-way through a story, you have two stories. Two tight pussies are better than one big sloppy twat.​
8. Erotiporn, unlike erotica, is slippery, full of the juices of life. Keep all genitals well lubricated. Condoms have no place in erotiporn unless worn by the husband.​
9. VD, vaginal discharges, yeast infections, and crabs are real-world facts of life that have no business fucking up erotiporn unless a wife has them from cheating on her husband.​
10. A pregnancy should NEVER result from the holy union of matrimony, but should always result from an unholy coupling of persons in the immediate family or of different races and generations. In the world of erotiporn, abortions and birth control were outlawed in 1953. It's true; look it up.​
Note: If any of these rules hamper your ability to write, fall back on rule number one.​
Phil Phantom​
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