Dirty Joke 1
An old man approaches the window of a cinema with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies, “Well, my pet chicken, of course!” “I m sorry,” The girl tells him. “We can’t allow animals in the cinema.” The man goes around the corner and stuffs the chicken into his trousers. He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the cinema, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his trousers so the chicken can stick it’s head out and watch the film. Seated next to him is a woman. She looks over at his lap and is horrified. She elbows her friend Agnes and whispers, “Agnes, this man over here has just unzipped his trousers!” Agnes whispers back, “Oh, don’t worry about it…you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.” Madge says, “I KNOW…but this one’s eating my POPCORN!!”

Dirty Joke 2
Two Marines were sitting around talking one day. The first Marine asked the second Marine, “If they were to drop a bomb right now, what would be the first thing you would do?” The second Marine said, “I would screw the first thing that moved. What would you do?” The first Marine replied, “I would stand very still for half an hour.”

Dirty Joke 3
The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety. “Private,” the officer said, “I m recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses.” “Warehouses?” the private shouted. “I thought you said whorehouses!”

Dirty Joke 4
What’s the speed limit of sex? 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Dirty Joke 5
What’s the ultimate rejection? When you re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Dirty Joke 6
Why is air a lot like sex? Because it’s no big deal unless you re not getting any.

Dirty Joke 7
What did the egg say to the boiling water? “How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago.”

Dirty Joke 8
Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants? He heard the snow blower coming.

Dirty Joke 9
What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? Sexual harassment.

Dirty Joke 10
What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? $3.99 a minute.

Dirty Joke 11
What are three words you dread the most while making love? “Honey, I m home.”

Dirty Joke 12
Why is it called a Wonder Bra? When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.

Dirty Joke 13
Why don’t women blink during foreplay? They don’t have time.

Dirty Joke 14
What’s the difference between a rooster and a hooker? a rooster says cocka-doodle-doo a hooker says any cock will do.

Dirty Joke 15
Why did the former porn actor get fired from his job as a gas station attendant? Right before the tanks were full, he would pull out the nozzle and spray gas all over the car.

Dirty Joke 16
What is the difference between a frog and a horny toad? One says ribbit ribbit, the other one says rub-it, rub-it!

Dirty Joke 17
What do a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common? They can both smell it but they can’t eat it.

Dirty Joke 18
What is the difference between a drug pusher and a prostitute? A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.

Dirty Joke 19
Why did the condom cross the road? Because it was pissed off.

Dirty Joke 20
What does KFC and a woman have in common? Once you re done with the breasts and the thighs, there’s still a greasy box to put your bone in.

Dirty Joke 21
What did the egg say to the boiling water? “It might take me a while to get hard I just got layed last night.”

Dirty Joke 22
What happens if you put the Energizer Bunny’s batteries in backwards? He keeps coming and coming and coming…

Dirty Joke 23
How did Dairy Queen get pregnant? Burger King didn’t cover his Whopper.

Dirty Joke 24
What’s organic dental floss? Pubic hair!

Dirty Joke 25
What’s long, hard, and has semen in it? A submarine!

Dirty Joke 26
What’s so bad about being a dick? Your closest mates are 2 nuts and an ass hole, your master covers you in a plastic bag, And every time you get excited you spew.

Dirty Joke 27
What are the two greatest lies? “The check is in the mail,” and “I promise I won’t cum in your mouth.”

Dirty Joke 28
What’s the difference between a penis and a bonus? Your wife will always blow your bonus!

Dirty Joke 29
Why are electric trains like a mother’s breasts? They were both designed for the kids, but it’s the fathers who are always playing with them.

Dirty Joke 30
What did the banana say to the vibrator? “I don’t know why you re shaking…she’s gonna EAT me!”

Dirty Joke 31
What did Adam say to Eve? Stand back, I don’t know how big this thing gets!

Dirty Joke 32
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold unto your nuts-This is no ordinary Blow Job!

Dirty Joke 33
Why do men masturbate? It’s sex with someone they love.

Dirty Joke 34

Dirty Joke 35
How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down? Nobody knows, it hasn’t happened yet.

Dirty Joke 36
How do you know you re leading a sad life? When a nymphomaniac tells you, “Let’s just be friends.”

Dirty Joke 37
Are birth control pills deductible? Only if they don’t work.

Dirty Joke 38
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? If we don’t get some support soon, people are going to think we re nuts.

Dirty Joke 39
Why don’t bunnies make noise when they make love? Because they have cotton balls.

Dirty Joke 40
What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster? A cock that stays up all night.

Dirty Joke 41
A father, mother, and son were going to Europe and were going to visit the nude beaches while they were there. They didn’t want the son to get a distorted view of beauty, so they told him that the men with really big dicks were really really dumb, and that the woman with really big tits were really really dumb. When they got to the beach they split up. Later the mother saw the son and asked where his dad was. The boy said, “Well, the last time I saw him he was talking to this really, really, really dumb blond, and the longer they talked the dumber he got.”

Dirty Joke 42
One day a man was sleeping and the neighbor’s little girl entered his house, woke him up and said, “What is that between your legs?” He replied that is “my bird.” He went back to sleep. She came back later and said, “What’s that furry stuff around your bird?” He replied that’s “my nest.” So he went back to sleep. She came back later. “What’s those two things under it?” He said those are “the eggs.” She said, “Okay, can I play with your bird,and he said “ok.” When he woke up later, he noticed that he was in the hospital. He saw the little girl and asked, “what happened?” She said, “When I was playing with your bird he spit in my eye so I chopped off his head, burnt down his nest and busted his eggs!”

Dirty Joke 43
A Deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf. Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter, and puts down a five dollar bill next to it. The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf- mute, and then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket. Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language. “Look,” the pharmacist says, “if you can’t afford to lose, you shouldn’t bet.”

Dirty Joke 44
A truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper. The patrolman told him to get out of the truck, and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as he stepped out of the cab. Figuring that the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked “Did I just see you swallow something?” “Yep, that was my birth control pill.” said the driver. “Birth control pill?” asked the patrolman. “Yep, when I saw your light, I knew I was fucked.”

Dirty Joke 45
A guy went out on the golf course took a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. When he finally got himself to the doctor, he said, “How bad is it doc? I m getting married next week, and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way.” The doc said, “I ll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay by next week.” So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentioned none of this to his girl. They got married and on the honeymoon night in their hotel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them, and she said,You ll be the first; no one has ever touched them before.” He tore off his pants and said, “Look at this. It’s still in the crate!”

Dirty Joke 46

Dirty Joke 47

Dirty Joke 48
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, “You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle.” While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, “You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra.” This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, “You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the poolman and your brother.

Dirty Joke 49
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says “I m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.” The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, “Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”

Dirty Joke 50
An eighty year old couple decide to try for a child. They visit the doctor who asks the old geezer to produce a sperm sample in a bottle. After two weeks, the couple return and the bottle is empty. “What’s the problem?” asks the doctor. “Well,” says the old man, “First I tried it with my right hand, then my left. Then my wife tried it with her right hand, then her left. Then she tried it with her teeth in and with her teeth out, and we still can’t get the lid off the bloody bottle.”

Dirty Joke 51
A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, “Before we begin, I ll need to ask a few questions.” He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What is your occupation?” The woman replies, “I m a whore.” The accountant balks and says, “No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let’s try to rephrase that.” The woman, “OK, I m a prostitute.”. “No, that is still too crude. Try again.” They both think for a minute, then the woman states, “I m a chicken farmer.” The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?”. “Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.”

Dirty Joke 52
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn’t figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. “It’s a period,” reported Johnnie. “Well I can see that,” she said, “but what is so exciting about a period.” “Damned if I know,” said Johnnie, “but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself.”

Dirty Joke 53
Two teenagers wander off to the bushes during a softball game on the outskirts of town and start necking. After a while the boy stops. “You know we’ve been doing this for a few weeks now and I think it’s time we went all the way,” he pleads. “Well, maybe,” she says, “But I m a virgin and I heard it hurts. Besides all those people at the field may hear us.” The boy stops and says, “Hmmm, well then if it hurts, start making cow sounds, and I ll stop. But if it feels good start singing. That way no one will ever guess what we re really doing.” The girl agrees so they quickly take off their clothes and get down to business. Ten minutes later people watching the game hear sounds echoing through the quiet countryside so loudly that the teams stop playing. “Moooo ….. Moooooo …… Moooooooon River …….!”

Dirty Joke 54
A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do “69”. “What the hell is that?” asks the guy. Realizing he’s inexperienced, she tries to explain,”I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine.” Still not knowing what she’s talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees to try it. The second they get in to the position, she lets go a rip-roaring fart. “What was that for?” he asks. “Oops! Sorry, lets try it again.” she says. So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose. The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on. “Wait, where are you going?” she asks. The guy says, ” If you think I m sticking around for 67 more of those, you re crazy!

Dirty Joke 55
One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn’t figure out why his friend was at the bush so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn’t understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, “My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran.”

Dirty Joke 56
A man walked into an appliance store and asked the price of a 25″ remote controlled color television set. “One dollar,” the clerk replied. “You’ve got to be kidding.” “Look, Mac,” the clerk said, “do you want it or not?” Of course, the customer gave him a dollar. On the way out with his incredible bargain, the suctomer saw a big frost-free refrigerator with automatic ice maker. “How much for that?” he asked the clerk. “Fifty cents,” came the reply. The customer forked over the half dollar, saying, “What the heck is going on here?” “Nothing is goining on here,” the clerk snapped. “But my boss is at my house with my wife. And what he’s doing to her, I m doing to his business.”

Dirty Joke 57
Winnie-the-Pooh is eating a roll. Piglet arrives. – Give me some roll, Winnie! – It’s not a roll, it’s a bun. – Give me some bun, Winnie! – It’s not a bun, it’s a bap. – Give me some bap, Winnie! – Get lost, you pig! Stop being such a pain in the neck! You can’t even make up your mind!

Dirty Joke 58
Winnie and Piglet sit on the bank of the river and smoke dope. A crocodile comes out of the river: – Hey pals, let me have a whiff. – Get lost, oh green one! – Come on guys, just one! – Go %@~# yourself! So what would you do? Well, the crocodile swallows Piglet and sits in his place. Winnie, inhaling, is holding the butt out to Piglet and suddenly sees a crocodile. – W-ell, it seems enough for you, pig!

Dirty Joke 59
An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial city for dinner, and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained. “Senor, these are the cojones,” the waiter replied. “The what, you say?” exclaimed the tourist. “They are the testicles of the bull killed in the ring today,” explained the waiter. The tourist gulped but tasted the dish anyway, and found it delicious. Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. After he finished the meal, the tourist commented to the waiter: “Today’s cojones are much saltier and smaller than the ones I had yesterday.” “True, senor,” agreed the waiter. “You see the bull, he does not always lose.”

Dirty Joke 60
A couple just got married, and when the husband went back to his house he found that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success. Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she has been up to and why she hasnt been home for so long. She replied: “These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week.” The husband answered: “But it’s only been two days what do u mean a week?” “I am only here to get something to eat.”

Dirty Joke 61
A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, you have to help me!” The doctor asks, “What’s your problem?” The guy says, “Every morning I wake up with my morning flagpole …give the wife a quick one, and then go to work. On the way to work, I carpool with the next door neighbor’s wife who gives me a blow job during the ride to work. Once I get there, I do some work and then at morning tea time, I go into the photocopy room and crank one out with one of the young office girls. At lunch, I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good boning. For afternoon tea, I give the boss’s wife a good servicing. Then, I go home and slip the maid a few inches. Then at night, I give the wife another screw…….” “So…????” asked the doctor. “What’s your problem???” The guy says, “Well, it hurts when I masturbate!”

Dirty Joke 62
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules, saying, “The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anyone caught breaking this rule once will be fined $50.” He continued, “Anyone caught breaking this rule a second time will be fined $150. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $400. Are there any questions?” At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired, “How much for a season pass?”

Dirty Joke 63
The president got off the helicopter in front of the White House with a baby hog under each arm. The Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted, and said, “Nice pigs, sir”. The president replied, “These are not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas Razorback hogs. I got one for Hillary and I got one for Chelsea.” The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and replied, “Nice trade, sir.”

Dirty Joke 64
A man wakes up early one morning and decides to go Bear hunting. He tells his wife, “You’ve got three choices; you can go Bear hunting with me, I ll do you anally or you can give me a blowjob. I m gonna load up the truck and get the dog out. Make up your mind before I get back. “The man returns twenty minutes later and says, “Well What’s it gonna be? “She say s, “There’s no way I m going Bear hunting and you re not doing my ass so I guess it’s a blowjob. “A couple minutes later she starts choking and spitting and says, “Jesus, you taste like shit.””Oh yeah,” he replies, “The dog didn’t want to go Bear hunting

Dirty Joke 65
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, “Your mom’s the best sex in town!” Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, “I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!” Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, “Your mom liked it!” Finally the guy interrupts. “Go home, Dad, you re drunk!”

Dirty Joke 66
A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. About five seconds later, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail. Suddenly, he looks down and he can’t believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going *up*! Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver – by this time scared out of his wits – yells, “Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?” The other guy yells back, “Fuck no! Do you know anything about lighting gas stoves?”

Dirty Joke 67
One day a teacher was asking her class to use absolutely in a sentence. So Janet raised her hand and said the sky is absolutely blue, the teacher said no, it is not, sometimes is black or has different colors. Another little boy raised his hand and said “the leaves on the trees are absolutely green” the teacher said no, they could be different colors at different times of the year. Little Johnny raised his hand and asked if there where lumps in farts, the teachers said no, I don’t believe so. And Little Johnny said, ” well then I absolutely just shit in my pants!!!!”

Dirty Joke 68
A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was on the run. He broke into a house and tied up the young couple he found in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife to the bed. The helpless husband watched him get on the bed, straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck. His wife started to move her head violently, at which the man got up and left the room. The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife and hissed, “Darling, I saw him kissing you. He probably hasn’t seen a woman in years. Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex, just go along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever you do don’t fight him or make him mad. Our lives may depend on it!” “Darling,” the wife said, spitting out her gag. “I m so relieved you feel that way. He wasn’t kissing me, he was whispering to me. He told me he thinks you re really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom.”

Dirty Joke 69
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that’s so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. He turns to her… they kiss… and then they rip each others clothes off and make love. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how was it?” The woman says, “You can have any prize

Dirty Joke 70
A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife. “Please describe,” said his attorney, “the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife’s fidelity.” “Well, I m pretty much on the road all week,” the man testified. “So naturally when I am home, I m attentive to the wife.” “One Sunday morning,” he continued, “we were in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, Can’t you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?

Dirty Joke 71
Joan, the town gossip and supervisor of the town’s morals, publicly accused her neighbor George of being an alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town’s only bar. George stared at her for a moment, and said nothing. Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.

Dirty Joke 72
Because of a bad case of hemorrhoids, a gay bottom goes to his doctor. The physician prescribes suppositories, but when it comes time to use them the young man is afraid he will do it wrong. So he goes into the bathroom and bends over and looks through his legs into the mirror to line up the target. All of a sudden, his penis becomes stiff, blocking his view. “Oh, stop it,” the young man scolds his organ, “it’s only me.”

Dirty Joke 73
Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader’s table. Said the mysterious old woman, “For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future.” Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, “I can see that you have no girlfriend.” “That’s true,” said Paul. “Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren’t you?” “Yes,” Paul shamefully admitted. “That’s amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?” “Love line? No, from the calluses and blisters.”

Dirty Joke 74
An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people. One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy something. “Well, my wife ain’t home, she’s gone down to the creek to wash clothes, but lemma see what you got,” said the man. The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn’t interested. Then the man spotted a mirror and said, “What’s that?” Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said, “My God how d you get a picture of my Pappy?” The old man was so happy, he traded his wife’s best pitcher for it. The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale. The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk. He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the “picture” and eventually the wife got suspicious. One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn. She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said, “so this is the hussy he’s been foolin around with!”

Dirty Joke 75
As a hooker was dressing, she turned to her customer and asked, “Have you just gotten out of prison?” “Yeah,” the guy replied. “How did you guess? Is it because I wanted to have sex from the rear?” “Partly.” She said. “But more because when we finished, you ran around in front of me, bent over, and shouted, YOUR TURN. ‘

Dirty Joke 76
A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, “Mom, What’s sex?” His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject. When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, “Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?”

Dirty Joke 77
Once upon a time, a guy was sitting at a bar. He was throwing money around, giving the barman hundred dollar tips and buying drinks for everyone. He was surrounded by a crowd of adoring women. The barman liked the tips, but he was kind of curious about a little man that would jump from the rich guy’s pocket. The little man would run up and down the bar, kicking over the bowls of peanuts and giving people the finger. Then the little guy would jump back into the man’s jacket for a while. The barman went over and asked the guy what was up. So the rich guy says, “Well, let me tell you a little story. I was walking along a beach one day, and I come across this lamp. I rub it, and a genie popped out. I got three wishes, so my first wish was to be fabulously wealthy. Then I wished for a harem. You can see I got both.” The barman asks, “So what about that little guy in your jacket?” “Oh, tha t,” mumbles the rich guy. “That’s the twelve-inch prick I wished for.”

Dirty Joke 78
The Smith’s were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards. They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose — how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair. The author said he could handle the story tactfully. The book appeared. It said, “Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock.”

Dirty Joke 79
A woman checked in at the pearly gates and asked to join her former husband, Walter Smith. Saint Peter said, “We have five million Walter Smiths. Give us a little clue.” The woman said, “My Walter is bald and has blue eyes, and he said that if I ever slept with another man he d turn over in his grave.” Saint Peter motioned an angel forward. “Take her to Turning Walter!”

Dirty Joke 80
Three Friends an Italian a German and a Greek they decided to bet it’s other 100 euros who is going to make their wives scream more from sex. So they all go home to have sex with their wives so they make them scream. The next day the meet. The Italian says, “I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was screaming for at least 1 1/2 hours.” The German says, “That’s nothing, I start licking my wife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and half hour after that.” The Greek says, ” That’s nothing, I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple times I wiped my Dick in the curtain and she still screaming.”

Dirty Joke 81
Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn. “What happened to you?” asked Bill. “Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me.” “My God, what did you tell them?” asks Clinton. The driver replies, “I m Bill Clinton’s driver, and I just killed the pig.”

Dirty Joke 82
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, “No, no, no,” you re gripping the club way too hard!” “Well, what should I do?” asks the man. “Hold the club gently,” the pro replied, “just like you d hold your wife’s breast.”The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway.The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can’t wait for her lesson.The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, “No, no, no, you re gripping the club way too hard.” “What can I do?” asks the wife.”Hold the club gently, just like you d hold your husband’s penis.” The wife listens carefully to the pro’s advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft. “That was great,”the pro says. “Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you re supposed to!” says the pro.

Dirty Joke 83
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can’t see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. “Honey,” she signs, “Why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.” The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, “Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis……fifty times”

Dirty Joke 84
Two old men were sat on a bench outside a nursing home having a chat. “How are you, Richard?” asked George. “I m not feeling too good today, I m utterly exhausted,” replied Richard. “I’ve pulled a muscle, and it’s killing me.” “I m surprised that a pulled muscle makes you feel so tired,” said George. Richard yawned and said, “Well, it does if you pull it a hundred times in one night.”

Dirty Joke 85
My wife rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her. “Excuse me,” she said, “I m in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?” The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, “Not bad.”

Dirty Joke 86
An old man in a nursing home awoke one day and trundled down the hallway to the community breakfast room looking rather forlorn. Ms. Smith, a nurse, met him in the hallway. She greeted him smilingly and asked how he was this day. Mr. Jones allowed that not all was well; in fact, his penis had died during the night. Ms. Smith knew that Mr. Jones was occasionally a little off mentally, so she merely replied that she was sorry to hear the bad news and went on her way. The next morning Mr. Jones was on his way to breakfast again but on this day he was dressed in a coat and tie, and his penis was hanging out of his pants. Sure enough, he met Ms. Smith whereupon — although somewhat startled — she calmly reminded him that the day before he had told her his penis had died and asked why it was hanging out of his pants. Mr. Jones replied simply, “Today is the viewing.”

Dirty Joke 87
A knight and his men returned to their castle after a hard day of fighting. “How are we faring?” asked the king. “Sire!” replied the knight, “I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies to the west.” “What?” shrieked the king, “I don’t have any enemies to the west!” “Oh!” said the knight, “Well, you do now.”

Dirty Joke 88
While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who was pretty and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, the executive found himself unable to perform. On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into the bedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly while she pored through a movie magazine. Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent erection. Looking down at this, he snarled, “Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of a bitch. Now I know why they call you a prick!”

Dirty Joke 89
During a funeral for a woman who had henpecked her husband, drove her kids half nuts, scrapped with the neighbors at the slightest opportunity, and even made neurotics of their cat and dog with her explosive temper. As the casket was lowered into the grave, a violent thunderstorm broke, and the pastor’s benediction was drowned out by a blinding flash of lightning, followed by terrific thunder. “Well, at least we know she got there all right,” commented her husband

Dirty Joke 90
Harry approached a prostitute and asked, “How much for a blow job ?”. “Hundred Bucks”. “OK”, he said and began to jerk off. “What the hell are you doing that for?” “For hundred bucks you don’t think I m going to give you the easy one, do you ?”

Dirty Joke 91
Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty people from New York City showed up. Never having seen anyone from the Big Apple at heaven’s door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God. After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous people from the group. A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said, “They re gone!” “What? All of the New Yorkers are gone?” asked God. “No!” replied Saint Peter. “The Pearly Gates!”

Dirty Joke 92
Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher. She says, “Hello class, I m Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an “r” after the first letter.” The entire class says, “Hello Mrs. Prussy.” A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is. Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, “I remember it has an “r” after the first letter.” “That’s right!” she coaxed. Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, “Mrs. Crunt?”

Dirty Joke 93
Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market. “Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically,” remarked his friend. “I m not bitter. Now that I m so improved, she just isn’t good enough for me.”

Dirty Joke 94
Two elderly gentlemen, Sam and Harry, were having breakfast. Sam said to Harry, “Harry, why do you have a suppository in your ear?” Harry took the suppository out, looked it over and said, “Sam, I m really glad you saw this thing, now I think I know where my hearing aid is.”

Dirty Joke 95
A man and woman are riding up in an elevator. The man looks at the woman and says, “Can I smell your pussy?” She replies, “Hell no!” The man says, “Well, it must be your feet then.”

Dirty Joke 96
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands directly next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his haircut, eating her snack cake. The barber says to her, “Sweetheart, you re gonna get hair on your Twinkie.” She says, “I know. I m gonna get boobs too.”

Dirty Joke 97
Scott finally got his girlfriend into bed, and things were going hot and heavy. “Slow down, baby,” she said. “Foreplay is an art.” “You better get your canvas ready soon,” he panted, “because I m about to spill my paint!”

Dirty Joke 98
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, “I’ve got a big problem, doctor.” “Every time we re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell.” “My dear,” the doctor said, “that’s completely natural. I don’t see what the problem is.” “The problem is,” she complained, “it wakes me up!”

Dirty Joke 99
Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, “You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy.” Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, “Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy.” Hillary tosses her perfectly hair-sprayed hair and says, “I could throw one hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy.” Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, “I could throw all three of you out the window and make the whole country happy.”

Dirty Joke 100
A guy is strolling along a sandy beach one day when he comes across a very old bottle. He’s just dusting it off when two rather tired looking genies pop out “Two genies!” he exclaims. “That must mean six wishes!” “Sorry, buddy, it’s three or nuthin ,” say the genies, “and hurry up”. The guy makes his three wishes and races off home to see if they’ve been granted. He gets home and runs into his bedroom, where he finds the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen waiting for him. After hours of mad, passionate sex, he stumbles out of bed and walks into the living room where he is knee deep in $1000 bills. The guy can hardly believe his luck. Just then there is a knock at the door. He rushes over to open it, when two hooded KKK members throw a rope around his neck and string him up naked until he is dead. The two then take off their white hoods to reveal that they are, in fact, the two genies, bot h looking rather puzzled. The first genie turns to the second and says, “I can understand the beautiful woman and all the money in the world, by why on earth would you want to be hung like a black man?”

Dirty Joke 101
A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and she agreed. He asked her if she knew his company,Cheeseborough-Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer was “Yes.” Asked how she used it, she said, “To assist sexual intercourse.” The interviewer was amazed. He said, “I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child’s bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for sexual intercourse. Since you’ve been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?” “Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out.”

Dirty Joke 102
A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet. “Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army,” the general said. “Nothing to it – you ll catch on again fast.” Next morning promptly at eight o clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general’s bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer’s wife on her bottom and said, “OK, sweetheart, it’s back to the village for you.”

Dirty Joke 103
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. “What’s all the screaming about in there? You re scaring the customers!” “I m just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls.” With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says… “You idiot!” “You re sitting on the mop bucket!

Dirty Joke 104
A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex. When he got home, he couldn’t tell his wife that he had spoken about sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members. A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made. She said, “Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he’s only tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off.”

Dirty Joke 105
The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother. “Mom,” she said, “I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy.” The mother took a deep breath and began, “When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing…” “I know how to fuck, mother,” the bride-to-be interrupted. “I want you to teach me how to make a great lasagna.”

Dirty Joke 106
A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. the little boy asked, “Grandpa, can I have a beer?” Grandpa replied, “Can your dick touch your ass?” The little boy answered no. Grandpa said “Then you re not man enough to have a beer.” A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asked, “Grandpa, can I have a cigar?” Once again, Grandpa asked, “Can your dick touch your ass?” The little boy answered no, again. Grandpa said, “Then your not man enough to have a cigar.” A little later, the little boy came out of the house With a cookie. Grandpa asked, “Can I have a cookie?” The boy asked “Can your dick touch your ass?” Grandpa replied, “Hell yeah my dick can touch my ass!” The boy replied, “Then go fuck yourself, Grandma made these cookies for me.”

Dirty Joke 107
A husband and wife are in bed watching “Who Wants to be a Millionaire”. The husband asks for sex. The wife says, “No.” > Her husband asks, “Is that your final answer?” > She responds, “Yes.” He says, “Then, I d like to call a friend.”

Dirty Joke 108
A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counselor said that he had discovered the main problem. He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug. He looked at the man and said, “This is what your wife needs, at least once a day!” The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, “OK, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?”

Dirty Joke 109
Two elderly Southern women are sitting on the veranda sipping lemonade and reminiscing about old times. One says to the other, “Darling, do you remember the minuet?” The other replies, “Sweetheart, I can’t even remember the ones I screwed!”

Dirty Joke 110
Two, old drunks in a bar. The first one says, “Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn’t bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. “By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I m gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand” “So, “says the second drunk, “What’s your point” “Well, “says the first, “I m just wondering how much stronger I m gonna get!”

Dirty Joke 111
Two elderly ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. The lady asked, “What’s that?” “A condom,” the other lady responded. “This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.” “Where did you get it?” the other lady asked. “You can get them at any drugstore.” The next day, the first lady hobbled herself down to the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers. “It doesn’t matter as long as it fits a Camel.” The pharmacist fainted.

Dirty Joke 112
Two postmen are on break having a cigarette. While on this break one postman says “Hey look at that snail”. The other postman looks down and says “FUCK” and step steps on the snail. Postman 1 looks at him and says “Why d you do that”. Postman2 replys “Because that fucker has been following me all day.”

Dirty Joke 113
A 90 year man finally gets to see a Dr. and the dr. asks him what the problem is, the man says he wants the Dr. to lower his sex drive. The Dr. is taken aback a bit but finally asks the man, just how old are you? The man answers I am 90. The Dr., still a little confused says you are 90, and you want your sex drive lowered? Yes said the man, it’s all in my head and I want you to lower it.

Dirty Joke 114
A bus stops and this old lady gets off and complains to the driver: I was sexually harassed, and the driver thinks nothing of it; the bus comes to another stop and another old lady gets off and complains to the driver: I was sexually harassed and the driver thinks nothing of it, then the bus comes to another stop and this old man gets off and says to the driver “I lost my taupe and thought I found it twice then realized mine is parted down the side, and the two I saw were parted down the middle!”

Dirty Joke 115
A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, “I m going to a costume party, I want to go as Adam.” The girl brings out a fig leaf. He says, “Not big enough.” She brings out a bigger one. He says, “Still not big enough.” She brings out a huge fig leaf. He says, “Still not big enough.” She says, “Listen, Ace, why don’t you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?”

Dirty Joke 116
They now have an Italian airline that flies out of Genoa. It’s called Genitalia.

Dirty Joke 117
A big fat housewife is on her hands and knees, scrubbing the kitchen floor, when she suddenly yells to her husband, “Come here quick, Charlie! I m paralyzed! I can’t get up!” He comes in, takes a look, and says, “Stand up, you silly old bat. You re kneeling on one of your tits.”

Dirty Joke 118
An angry husband returned home one night to find his wife in bed with a naked man. What are you doing he shouted. To which his wife said to her lover See, I told you he was stupid

Dirty Joke 119
An old couple in an old folks home are having an affair, nothing much they just sit watching TV late at night while the old woman holds the old mans dick. Then suddenly the old man ends the affair because of another woman. The old woman’s distraught and yells, “What’s THIS OTHER WOMAN GOT THAT I HAVEN T!” The old man smiles and says, “Parkinson’s disease”

Dirty Joke 120
Retired gentlemen went to apply for social security. After waiting in line for quite a long time, he arrives at the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his identification to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he has left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he seemed to have left his wallet at home, “will I have to go home and come back now?” he ask. The woman says, “unbutton your shirt.” he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, “that silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me” as she processes his social security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about this experience at social security office. She says, “you should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too.”

Dirty Joke 121
In a nursing home, there is this old woman named Gladys who likes to walk around and flash people. She walks up to a nun, opens her robe and yells “Super Pussy!” The nun says, “Gladys, you know you re not supposed to do that. Now go back to your room. Gladys starts walking back and sees the minister. She walks up to him, opens her robe and yells “Super Pussy!” The minister is shocked and tells her to go back to her room. As she continues, she sees an old man lying on the bed. She walks in, flashes him, and yells “Super Pussy!” The man slowly turns his head and says, “Thanks, I think I ll have the soup.”

Dirty Joke 122
These two old men are in a nursing home. They re talking and realize that it’s been years since they have had sex. So they sneak out and go to the closest whorehouse. Once inside they go to the Pimp and ask for the two best girls. The Pimp thought “I m not going to waste my two best girls on these guys I ll just give them inflatable women. They are old and they won’t know the difference.” Once the old men finish they leave. On their way back they start talking. The first guy said, ” I think mine was dead she didn’t move or anything.” The second guy said I think mine was a witch because when I nibbled on her neck she farted and flew out the window.”

Dirty Joke 123
There were these three little old ladies sitting on a park bench minding their own business when suddenly a flasher jumped in front of them and exposed himself…the first old lady had a stroke…the second old lady had a stroke…but sadly the third old lady couldn’t reach!!!

Dirty Joke 124
A man walks into a tattoo parlor and says he would like a $100 dollar bill on his dick. Well the tattoo artist laughs and says “I ll do it for free if you can give me one good reason for it.” The guy thinks for a second and says. “Well one, I like to keep my money in my pants, two I like to watch my money grow, and three I want to see how fast my wife can blow a $100.

Dirty Joke 125
An elderly man visits his doctor. “Doctor, I would like you to examine me to see if I am sexually fit.” “Very well, let me see your sex organs, please.” The aged patient replied o.k. “And stuck out his index finger and his tongue.”

Dirty Joke 126
A guy waiting at the bus stop wearing chains, leather jaket, and leather pants and his hair in long spikes each a different color. An old man at the bus stop looked and looked at the guy, finally, the guy said to the old man: “haven’t you ever done anything crazy and wild in your life” and the old man said “yah, I have, I once made it with a peacock and I was wondering if your my son”

Dirty Joke 127
A little old lady shaking violently as she walks in to the pharmacy asks the salesperson “do you sell vibrators”. Surprised by the request, the sales person says yes! The little old lady says: “Well, how do you turn the damn things off!”

Dirty Joke 128
This old lady was complaining to her friend about a little problem she had with vaginal itch. Her friend suggested that maybe she had an STD. The old lady replied “that’s impossible because I am a virgin”. To solve the problem the old lady went to the doctor for check up. After the exam the doctor said: ” I have good news and bad news, the good news is that you are clean of all STD S. The bad news is that you have fruit flies because your cherry is rotten”

Dirty Joke 129
An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist “Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex.” A ninety-year-old man was accused of raping a twenty-year-old. “So, did you do it?” his lawyer asked. “Of course not,” the old man replied. “But I was so flattered, I pleaded guilty.”

Dirty Joke 130
A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, “What are you lining up for, dear?” Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. “Mmm, sounds lovely,” said Grandma. “I think I ll have some myself,” she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. “But you re so old… how do you do it?” Grandma replied, “Oh, it’s quite easy, sonny… I just remove my dentures and suck em dry!”

Dirty Joke 131
Then there’s the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his crotch. The dentist says, “Madam, I believe you’ve got a hold of my privates.” The woman replies, “Yes. Now, we re going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren’t we.”

Dirty Joke 132
This woman goes into a dentist’s office, after he is through examining her he says: “I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth.” The woman then says: “Ooooohhhh, I d rather have a baby!” To which the dentist replies: “Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair.”

Dirty Joke 133
A dentist friend of mine had a T-shirt which said on the front: Let me put my tool in your mouth… and on the back: …and I will fill your cavity.

Dirty Joke 134
While participating is the Olympics a young gymnast had her first sexual experience, going to bed with a stunning foreign participant. Upon returning to her hometown, she promptly went to confession. After receiving absolution, the gymnast was so delighted that she did cartwheels down the aisle to the door. Waiting her turn, Old Mrs. Ole said to her friend, “can you believe what Father Johnson is giving for penance? Of all the days for me not to be wearing panties.”

Dirty Joke 135
Q: Why did god give blonde’s 2 more brain cells than he gave cows? A: So they wouldn’t shit all over when you played with their tits.

Dirty Joke 136
Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering???? A: More head room

Dirty Joke 137
Q: WHY ARE BLONDES LIKE PIANOS? A: When they aren’t upright, they re grand.

Dirty Joke 138
Q: How do you get a blonde pregnant? A: Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.

Dirty Joke 139
Q: WHY DON`T BLONDES LIKE ANAL SEX? A: They don`t like their brains being screwed with.

Dirty Joke 140
Q: How do you know a blonde likes you? A: She screws you two nights in a row.

Dirty Joke 141
Q: How do you get a blonde off of your knees? A: Come.

Dirty Joke 142
Q: How do you know a blonde has just lost her virginity? A: Her crayons are still sticky.

Dirty Joke 143
Q: How does a blonde moonwalk? A: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!

Dirty Joke 144
Q: WHY CAN`T BLONDES WATER-SKI? A: When they get their crotch wet they think they have to lay down.

Dirty Joke 145
Q: What is 61 to a blonde? A: She wants 8 (ate) more.

Dirty Joke 146
Q: What does a blonde and a turtle have in common? A: If either one of them end up on there back they are both f*cked.

Dirty Joke 147
Q: What’s the difference between a chorus line of blondes and a magician? A: A magician has a cunning array of stunts.

Dirty Joke 148
Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common? A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.

Dirty Joke 149
Q: What do blondes do after they comb their hair? A: They pull up their pants.

Dirty Joke 150
Q: What do you call 3 blondes, a chimp, and another blonde standing on a street corner? A: 4 f*cks, 4 f*cks, 4 f*cks, not for a zillion f*cks, 4 f*cks!

Dirty Joke 151
Q: What do you call a blonde lesbian? A: A waste.

Dirty Joke 152
Q: Why did god give blonds 2% more brains than horses? A: Because he didn’t want them shitting in the streets during parades.

Dirty Joke 153
Q: How does the blond turn on the light after she has had sex? A: She opens the car door.

Dirty Joke 154
Q: How does a blonde part their hair? A1: (Action of scissoring legs apart) A2: By doing the splits.

Dirty Joke 155
Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm? A1: She drops her nail-file!

Dirty Joke 156
Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS? A: A know-it-all bitch.

Dirty Joke 157
Q: What’s the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a skinny blonde? A: One’s a phony buck.

Dirty Joke 158
Q: What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have? A: One that never misses a period.

Dirty Joke 159
Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a brick? A: When you lay a brick it doesn’t follow you around for two weeks whining.

Dirty Joke 160
Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a broom closet? A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.

Dirty Joke 161
Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a phone booth? A1: You need a quarter to use the phone.

Dirty Joke 162
Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common? A: They’ve both swallowed a lot of semen.

Dirty Joke 163
Q: What did the blonde do when she got her period? A: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her?

Dirty Joke 164
Q: What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called? A: The man.

Dirty Joke 165
Q: How is a man like a snowstorm? A: You never know when he’s coming, how many inches you ll get, or how long it will last.

Dirty Joke 166
Q: Why do men become smarter during sex? A: Because they are plugged into a genius.

Dirty Joke 167
Q: Why don’t women have men’s brains? A: Because they don’t have penises to put them in.

Dirty Joke 168
Q: What do electric trains and breasts have in common? A: They re intended for children, but it’s the men who usually end up playing with them.

Dirty Joke 169
Q: Why is a man’s pee yellow and his sperm white? A: So he can tell if he is coming or going.

Dirty Joke 170
Q: What do men and sperm have in common? A:They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

Dirty Joke 171
Q. What does a woman’s asshole do when she is having an orgasm? A. He is usually home with the kids!

Dirty Joke 172
Q: Why are men like laxatives? A: They irritate the shit out of you.

Dirty Joke 173
Q: Mom’s have Mother’s Day, Father’s have Father’s Day. What do single guys have? A: Palm Sunday.

Dirty Joke 174
Q: Why do men have a hole in their penis? A: So they can think with an open mind.

Dirty Joke 175
Q: How is a penis like fishing? A: The small ones you throw back, the medium ones you eat, and the larger ones you mount.

Dirty Joke 176
Q: What do a clitoris, an anniversary and a toilet have in common? A: Men usually miss all three.

Dirty Joke 177
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare? A: 6 inches is medium, 8 inches is rare.

Dirty Joke 178

Dirty Joke 179
Q: What is the difference between a hog and a man? A: A hog doesn’t have to sit in a bar and buy drinks all night just so he can f*** some pig.

Dirty Joke 180
Men are like cement. After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Dirty Joke 181
Q: What is the one thing you will never hear a man say? A: Her tits are just too big.

Dirty Joke 182
Q: How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? A: It’s not hard.

Dirty Joke 183
Q: How are women and rocks alike? A: You skip across the flat ones.

Dirty Joke 184
Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint? A: It’s not real bright, but it’s cheap, and spreads easy.

Dirty Joke 185
Q: Whats the difference between a 90s woman and a – computer? A: A 90s woman won’t accept a three-and-a-half-inch floppy.

Dirty Joke 186
Q: Whats the difference between erotic and kinky? A: Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.

Dirty Joke 187
Q: Why don’t men fake orgasm? A: Coz no man would pull those faces on purpose.

Dirty Joke 188
Q: What are the small bumps around a woman’s nipples for? A: It’s Braille for Suck here.

Dirty Joke 189
Q: What does a 75-year-old woman have between her breasts that a 25-year-old doesn t? A: Her navel.

Dirty Joke 190
Q: Why do women have tits? A: So men will talk to them.

Dirty Joke 191
Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? A: They don’t have balls to scratch.

Dirty Joke 192
Q: Whats the difference between purple and pink? A: The grip.

Dirty Joke 193
I love the lines men use to get us into bed. “Please, I ll only put it in for a minute.” What am I, a microwave?

Dirty Joke 194
You know the worst thing about oral sex? The view.

Dirty Joke 195

Dirty Joke 196
If it weren’t for pick-pocketers, I d have no sex life at all.

Dirty Joke 197
Wife: “Why don’t you ever callout my name when we re making love?” ! Husband: “Because I don’t want to wake you.”

Dirty Joke 198
Why are condoms like cameras? -they both capture the moment.

Dirty Joke 199
Why is sex like a game of bridge? -You don’t need a partner if you have a good hand.

Dirty Joke 200
Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you get between the right man and the right woman.

Dirty Joke 201
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She said, “No, I hate myself now.”

Dirty Joke 202
What do hookers do on their night off: type?

Dirty Joke 203
A man went into a store to buy some condoms. “That’s 1 dollar 15 plus tax,” said the store assistant. “I don’t need tacks,” said the man. “It ll stay up all by itself.”

Dirty Joke 204
Q: What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse? A: Talk

Dirty Joke 205
Q: What can you find in a man’s pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it? A: a $20 bill

Dirty Joke 206
Q: What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat? A: Almond Joy candy bar

Dirty Joke 207
Q: What is it that all men have one of; it’s longer on some men than on others; the Pope doesn’t use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they re married? A: surname

Dirty Joke 208
Did u know that a condom had a serial number? No, I never had to unroll one that far.

Dirty Joke 209
Q . what did the sign on the whore house say?A: Beat it we are closed

Dirty Joke 210
This women had a magic morror from which anything you wanted you got,so one day she stood in front of the mirror and said I wish i had bigger breasts and it happened so then she ran down stairs to show her husband he was so amazed that he ran up stairs and stood infront of the mirror and said i wish my dick could touch the floor and his legs fell off !

Dirty Joke 211

Dirty Joke 212
A young woman goes to her doctor complaining that the insides of her upper thighs have turned green. The doctor examined her and asked her if by any chance she went out with a Romany. When she said yes the doctor said “Well tell him his ear rings aren’t real gold!!!”

Dirty Joke 213
Did you ever blow bubbles as as child? Yeh, well he’s back in town and wants your new number.

Dirty Joke 214
Why is Viagra like Disneyworld? – You have to wait an hour for a three minute ride

Dirty Joke 215
Why did God create women? To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

Dirty Joke 216
If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? The swallow.

Dirty Joke 217
How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex? Phone her.

Dirty Joke 218
What is the definition of making love ? Something a woman does while a guy is f***ing her.

Dirty Joke 219
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant.

Dirty Joke 220
Whats the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Dirty Joke 221
Whats the difference between premenstrual tension and BSE? One’s mad cow disease, the other’s an agricultural problem.

Dirty Joke 222
Why do hunters make the best lovers? Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat what they shoot.

Dirty Joke 223
How is a woman like a condom? Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Dirty Joke 224
Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle? She knows she’s given her last blow job.

Dirty Joke 225
Whats the difference between a bitch and a whore? A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.

Dirty Joke 226
Whats the difference between your wife and your job? After 10 years, the job still sucks.

Dirty Joke 227
Whats the definition of love, true love, and showing off? Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

Dirty Joke 228
Why is the space between a woman’s breasts and her hips called a waist? Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

Dirty Joke 229
A couple decided that the only way to have a quickie while their ten-year- old son was in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and let him give a running report on what was going on in the neighbourhood. So the boy stood on the balcony and reported on everything that was happening. “A police car has just called at the Hamiltons house, the Chandlers are taking delivery of a new wardrobe, and the Mitchell’s are having sex.” Hearing this, the boy’s parents shot bolt upright. “How do you know the Mitchells are having sex?” “Because their kid is standing on the balcony too.”

Dirty Joke 230
A male market researcher was calling on homes on behalf of Vaseline. A woman answered the door.”Do you use Vaseline?” asked the researcher. “Certainly,” she said. “It’s very good for cuts, grazes and burns.” “And what about anything else?” he asked. “Like what?” He became embarrassed. “Well, sex, maybe.” Oh, of course.” she said. “I smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep my husband out.”

Dirty Joke 231
A truck driver was going down a steep incline when, at the foot of the hill, he was able to make out a couple having sex in the middle of the road. Five times on his descent he sounded his horn, but they didn’t move. He finally brought the truck to a halt inches from them. The truck driver got out and stormed: “What the hell’s the matter with you two?.Didn’t you hear me? You could have been killed!” The man replied nonchalantly: “Listen, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes.”

Dirty Joke 232
A woman went to the doctor and complained that she was suffering from I knee pains. “Do you indulge in any activity that puts a lot of pressure on your knees?” asked the doctor. “Every night, my husband and I have sex on the floor doggy style.” “I see,” said the doctor. “You know, there are plenty of other sexual positions?” “Not if you want to watch TV there ain t!”

Dirty Joke 233
Pinnochio had been getting complaints from his girlfriend. “Every time we make love,” she said, “I get splinters.” So Pinocchio went back to his maker, Gipetto the carpenter, for advice. “Sandpaper,” said the carpenter. “That’s what you need.” So Pinocchio took some sheets of sandpaper and went home. A few weeks later the carpenter bumped into Pinocchio again. “How are you getting on with the girls now?” he asked. “Who needs girls?” said Pinocchio.

Dirty Joke 234
Q: What did the leper say to the hooker? A: Keep the tip.

Dirty Joke 235
Q. What do you call 1,000 heavily armed lesbians? A. Militia Etheridge

Dirty Joke 236
Q: Why did the blonde make love in the microwave? A: She wanted to have a baby in 9 minutes.

Dirty Joke 237
Q: Why did the blonde have a hysterectomy? A: She wanted to stop having grandchildren.

Dirty Joke 238
Q: What’s the ultimate embarrassment for a blonde? A: When her ben-wa balls set off the airport metal detector.

Dirty Joke 239
Q: Why do blondes always drink with straws? A: Practice.

Dirty Joke 240
Q: Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom? A: So she can have a doggie bag for later.

Dirty Joke 241
Q: What did the blind blonde say as she was making love with her new boyfriend? A: “Funny, you don’t feel Jewish.”

Dirty Joke 242
Q: What do you call a blonde that can suck a golfball through a water hose? A:Sweetheart!

Dirty Joke 243
Q: What is the smartest thing that can come out of a blonde’s mouth? A: Einstein’s dick.

Dirty Joke 244
Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn around and come home? A: It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was a television.

Dirty Joke 245
Q: Why did the blonde guy ask his girlfriend to squeeze his left testicle? A: Because the road sign said Squeeze Left.

Dirty Joke 246
Q: Why did the blonde guy put ice in his condom? A: To keep the swelling down.

Dirty Joke 247
Q: What do blonde’s have against condoms? A: Their cheeks.

Dirty Joke 248
Q: What does a blonde answer to the question “Are you sexually active?” A: “No, I just lie there.”

Dirty Joke 249
Q: What do you call a brunette and three blondes in a corner? A: You don t, you see if you’ve got 3 condoms.

Dirty Joke 250
Q: Did you hear about the conceited blonde? A: She screams her own name when she comes.

Dirty Joke 251
Q: Why did the blonde give up bowling for screwing? A: The balls are lighter, and you don’t have to change shoes.

Dirty Joke 252
Q: Why did the blonde give a blow job after sex? A: She wanted to have her cock and eat it too.

Dirty Joke 253
Q: What is a bellybutton for? A: It gives a blonde a place to park her gum on the way down.

Dirty Joke 254
Q. What did the blonde’s left leg say to her right leg? A: Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.

Dirty Joke 255
Q: What do you call a blonde with a bag of sugar on her head? A: Sweet fuck all.

Dirty Joke 256
Q: How can you tell if a blonde works in an office? A: A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the bosses faces.

Dirty Joke 257
Q: Why do blondes have orgasms? A: So they know when to stop having sex.

Dirty Joke 258
Q: What did the blonde say during a porno? A: “There I am!”

Dirty Joke 259
Q: How does a blonde prepare for safe sex? A: She puts on rubber based lipstick.

Dirty Joke 260
Q: How does a horny guy spell relief? A: B-L-O-N-D-E.

Dirty Joke 261
Q: What do you call 4 blondes laying on the beach? A: Public access.

Dirty Joke 262
Q: What do you call two blondes in a canoe? A: Fur traders.

Dirty Joke 263
Q: Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes? A: They re doing research on black holes.

Dirty Joke 264
Q: Why is a blonde like Australia? A: They re both down under, and no one cares.

Dirty Joke 265
Q: Why do blonde’s get confused in the ladies room? A: They have to pull their own pants down.

Dirty Joke 266
Q: What is 68 to a blonde? A: Where she goes down on you and you owe her one.

Dirty Joke 267
Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common? A: The more you bang it the looser it gets.

Dirty Joke 268
Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman? A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.

Dirty Joke 269
Q: How would a blonde punctuate the following?: “Fun fun fun worry worry worry” A: Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!

Dirty Joke 270
Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9? A: A 69 interrupted by a period.

Dirty Joke 271
Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating? A: By the buckle print on her forehead.

Dirty Joke 272
Q: How can you tell who is a blonde’s boyfriend? A: He’s the one with the belt buckle that matches the impression in her forehead.

Dirty Joke 273
Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and an ironing board? A: It’s difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

Dirty Joke 274
Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and McDonald s? A: A blonde serves more people in a night.

Dirty Joke 275
Q: What’s the difference between Indiana and a blonde? A: A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.

Dirty Joke 276
Q: What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms? A: Way to go team.

Dirty Joke 277
Q: Why do saunas remind some people of blonde s? A: Because they re both steaming and wet when you enter, and they don’t mind if you bring friends.

Dirty Joke 278
Q: What’s one thing everybody sees in a blonde? A: A dick.

Dirty Joke 279
Q: What’s the difference between a mosquito and a blonde? A: When you slap a mosquito, it will stop sucking.

Dirty Joke 280
Three blondes are sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is sucking hers, one is biting hers, one is licking hers. Which one is married? The one with the wedding ring, YOU SICK-O!

Dirty Joke 281
Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to “iron,” then we could do without the ironing lady. Blonde Wife: Well if you would learn to fuck me properly we could do without the gardener.

Dirty Joke 282
Male secretary : “Feel free to use my dictaphone.” New blonde employee : “No thanks, I ll just use my finger like everyone else.”

Dirty Joke 283
A man comes home from work one night to catch his blonde girlfriend sliding down the banister naked. He blurts out, “What do you think you re doing?” “Just heating up dinner” she replies.

Dirty Joke 284
A guy walked into the doctor’s surgery for an appointment. “Would you like to tell me your problem?” the pretty blonde receptionist asked. “I ll need the information for the doctor.” “It’s rather embarrassing” the guy stammered. “You see, I have a very large and almost constant erection.” “Well, the doctor is very busy today” the receptionist cooed, “but maybe I can squeeze you in.”

Dirty Joke 285
A blonde is suffering from a sore throat so she goes to see the doctor. She explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit down. He gets out his light and says “Open wide.” “I can t” replies the blonde, “the chair’s fitted with arms.”

Dirty Joke 286
A blonde goes into a bar. The bartender asks her what she would like, and she replies, “Bring me a beer.” The bartender then asks, “Anheuser-Busch?” To which she replies, “Fine thanks, and how’s your cock?”

Dirty Joke 287
A man got on a plane and sat next to a blonde, after sitting for awhile she sneezed, took out a tissue and whipped her box. The man not knowing her said nothing and went about his business. After about 3 or 4 minutes she sneezed again and, the same thing, whipped her box. Finally, the man got the nerve and asked “what was wrong?” She said that every time she sneezes she has an orgasm. “Oh!” the man said, are you taking anything for it? “Yes”, she said – “black pepper!”

Dirty Joke 288
This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend, “Is it true that if you pull your finger out, I ll sink?”

Dirty Joke 289
A lady walks into the dentist’s office, takes off her underwear, sits down on the chair and spreads her legs wide open. “You must have made a mistake” says the shocked dentist, “The gynecologist’s office is one level higher.” To that the lady replies, “No mistake, you installed my husband’s dentures last week, now you ll be the one getting them out.”

Dirty Joke 290
A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to take a swing at a ball to see how she d do. The blonde did so and competely duffed the shot. The pro said “Your swing is good but you re gripping the club too hard – grip the club gently as you would your husband’s penis.” The blonde took another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards straight down the fairway. The pro said “That was excellent! Let’s try it again only this time take the club out of your mouth.”

Dirty Joke 291
Hello? the blonde responded answering the phone. Hearing no response, she repeated, “Hello?” “I ll bet you want me to come over and take you into the bedroom, undress you, lick you from head to toe, and then make mad passionate love to you until dawn.” the male voice whispered. “Scheesch! You re good.” she replied. “You mean you can tell all that from two hello s?”

Dirty Joke 292
A blonde and a brunette were talking. The brunette complained, “Everytime my boyfriend brings home flowers, I have to to spend the weekend with my legs in the air.” The blonde asks, “Don’t you have a vase?”

Dirty Joke 293
Did you hear the one about the blonde who thought that “love handles” referred to her ears?

Dirty Joke 294
The blonde was at the blood bank and sold a pint of blood. As she was leaving counting her $25, a man was leaving counting his money. He had $40. She asked if he had some rare blood type that he got more than she did. He said no, that he had donated sperm. The next day the bimbo was back at the blood bank. The receptionist asked if she was there to donate blood. The blonde could only shake her head, as her cheeks were bulging.

Dirty Joke 295
Question: What do elephants use for tampoons? Answer: Sheep.

Dirty Joke 296
Question: What’s the difference between sin and shame? Answer: It is a sin to put it in, but it’s a shame to pull it out.

Dirty Joke 297
Question: What’s another name for pickled bread? Answer: Dill-dough.

Dirty Joke 298
Question: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants? Answer: He heard the snowblower coming.

Dirty Joke 299
Question: What do you call a gay dinosaur? Answer: Mega-sore-ass.

Dirty Joke 300
Question: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Answer: A Lickalotopus.

Dirty Joke 301
Question: What is the difference between a woman in church and a woman in a bathtub? Answer: One has hope in her soul, the other has soap in her hole.

Dirty Joke 302
Question: Why do men always give their penis a name? Answer: Because they don’t want a stranger making 95 percent of their decisions for them.

Dirty Joke 303
What have men and spray paint in common? One squeeze and they re all over you.

Dirty Joke 304
Why is food better than men? Because you don’t have to wait an hour for seconds.

Dirty Joke 305
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can t, and a lawyer should? A: Stick his bill up his ass.

Dirty Joke 306
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? A: Ask your mother.

Dirty Joke 307
Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist? A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Dirty Joke 308
Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? A: Wiped his ass.

Dirty Joke 309
Q: Why don’t they teach driver’s education and sex education on the same day in Iraq? A: They don’t want to wear out the camel.

Dirty Joke 310
Q: What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

Dirty Joke 311
Q: What’s the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised? A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!

Dirty Joke 312
Q: What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Dirty Joke 313
Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man? A: It’s cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?

Dirty Joke 314
Q. What has seventy-five balls and screws old ladies? A. Bingo!

Dirty Joke 315
Q. What’s the definition of a Yankee? A. Same thing as a “quickie”, only you do it yourself.

Dirty Joke 316
Q: Which of the following doesn’t belong: wife, meat, eggs, blow job? A: The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat; but you just can’t beat a blow job.

Dirty Joke 317
Q: How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb? A: Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!

Dirty Joke 318
Q: What did the Indian say to the white woman when she tied his penis in a knot? A: “How Come?”

Dirty Joke 319
Q: Why are cowgirls bowlegged? A: Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.

Dirty Joke 320
Q: What’s the definition of a teenager? A: God’s punishment for enjoying sex.

Dirty Joke 321
Q: Did you hear the slogan for the the new “Stealth Condom?” A: “They ll never see you coming.”

Dirty Joke 322
Q: What do you call a truckload of vibrators? A: Toys for Twats.

Dirty Joke 323
Q: What do you call kinky sex with chocolate? A: S&M&M.

Dirty Joke 324
Q: Define Transvestite: A: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

Dirty Joke 325
Q: Why is being in the military like a blow job? A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Dirty Joke 326
Q: What do a dildo and soy beans have in common? A: They are both substitute meats.

Dirty Joke 327
Q: What do a coffin and a condom have in common? A: They re both filled with stiffs, one’s coming, one’s going.

Dirty Joke 328
Q: What are 3 two letter words that say small? A: Is it in.

Dirty Joke 329
Q: What did Bill Clinton say to Monica? A: I told you to lick my erection, not wreck my election.

Dirty Joke 330
Q: What does pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common? A: Both can smell it but can’t eat it.

Dirty Joke 331
Q: What do you get when you mix a rooster with a telephone pole? A: A 30ft cock that wants to reach out and touch someone

Dirty Joke 332
There are a lot of folks that can’t understand how we ran out of oil here in the USA. Well, here’s the answer: It’s simple………nobody bothered to check the oil. Didn’t know we were getting low. And of course the reason for that is geographical. Most of the oil is in Texas and Oklahoma, and all the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.

Dirty Joke 333
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?” When Mary didn’t stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. “God Almighty!” shouted Mary, and the teacher said, “Very good,” and Mary fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, “Who is our Lord and Savior,” but Mary didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue, and stuck her again. “Jesus Christ!” shouted Mary, and the teacher said, “Very good,” and Mary fell back asleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, “If you stick that damn thing in me one m ore time, I ll break it in half!”

Dirty Joke 334
This guy goes to the zoo one day. While standing in front of the gorilla’s cage, a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless. When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means “F**k you!” in gorilla language. The explanation didn’t make the victim feel any better and he vowed revenge. The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla’s cage, where he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn. Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, looked at the hat, and put it on. Next, he picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half. The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid.

Dirty Joke 335

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