Skip to main content

How to Curve Someone

Stop ghosting.

How to Curve Someone
©Paramount/Courtesy Everett Collection

Perhaps you’ve been liberally swiping right or gave someone your number who sent the lone “hey” text, to which you didn't respond for hours on end, nonetheless there is a human that would like to get in your pants, and their feelings are unrequited. Unless you’re into polygamy or an expert at getting ghosted (like myself), it’s extremely likely you will come across individuals that you are just not that interested in seeing intimately or again. They may not be unattractive, have terrible eating habits, questionable tipping policies, or bad taste in music, but you’d still rather be stuck in the middle seat between two babies on a six-hour flight without headphones than consider waking up next to them.

Unrequited love can be a real pain in the ass for both parties. The sting of rejection never feels good, and it’s never fun to break someone’s heart. And now, with cuffing season just inching towards the end (spring), chances are very likely you’ll need to have a difficult conversation with that not-special-enough someone in your life. You need to curve them.

Curving is breaking up with someone you aren’t in a relationship with because you don’t see anything more serious developing down the line. And there’s no point starting what you don’t intend to finish, not only because you deserve to be with someone you want to be with, but also because it’s cruel to lead someone on.

Lauren Urasek is the author of Popular: The Ups and Downs of Online Dating from the Most Popular Girl in New York City, and was named one of the most desired people in New York by New York Magazine and OK Cupid. She has curved her fair share of suitors — at one point racking up three dozen emails a day from the dating site — and has great advice on how to let someone know you’re not interested without completely crushing them.

There are several factors at play here, and since curving typically takes anywhere between the time you exchange of phone numbers (or being “matched” on an app) to before the “what are we?” talk happens

Should you find yourself hearing from someone you are flatly not interested in, here’s a simple guide on how to curve someone without being a dickhead.

Don’t Ghost

Ghosting is opting to ignore or just go radio silent on someone. Although ghosting may be the most popular method of curving, it is by far the most pathetic, cowardly, and laziest option. Answer their text. You ghosters usually use the excuse that they don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings saying they should just “get the point.” Realistically, someone that ghosts is just uncomfortable with honesty. If you can be rude enough to not answer someone endlessly reaching out to you, how different is it if you just tell them the truth? If you just told them you weren’t interested instead of being shady, they probably wouldn’t hit you up again. Ultimately, ghosting is not an option. Urasek thinks it depends on how well you know the individual and how involved (or not) you are, but she says, “However uninvested in someone you are, they’re still a human being that deserves an explanation.” Not only are you just a shitty person repeatedly, intentionally ignore someone you once engaged in intimate conversation (or worse, sex), it’s spineless and will ultimately put you in a position to never be able to revisit the situation or have this person say anything nice about you.

Be Honest

The key to successfully curving people is an age old concept: honesty. “Too harsh,” you say? Consider why you aren’t interested in taking things any further with them and how you will say it tactfully. “I find being direct yet empathetic is the best approach,” Urasek says. Expectedly, this can seem a little daunting. However, generally people don’t like rejection. So, when they’ve been clearly rejected, it’s unlikely they’ll continue to try to make plans with you.


Take the Blame

If telling someone how unmotivated they are is a turn off doesn’t seem like a viable option for you, take responsibility. Try something like, "It's not you, it's me. I had a good time with you, but I just don't see this going anywhere." This actually has a bit of truth to it. It isn't so much that there is something wrong with you (because, let's be honest, there probably isn't), but more that "it's you" because the feeling of interest is won’t be reciprocated. Not only does this put the curved in a position to not wonder if and what they did wrong or why they weren’t good enough for you, it leaves for little room for disagreement, argument, or retaliation. It’s likely they’ll agree that yes, it is you, and move on. You get to get on with your life, and they can blame you to their friends.

But Not Too Much

Urasek recommends asking yourself things like, “How long have you known that person? Have you even met in real life yet? How many times have you hung out?” As curving typically takes anywhere between the time you exchange of phone numbers (or being “matched” on an app) to before the “what are we?” talk happens, this will dictate how the message is delivered and what you need to say.

Don’t Breadcrumb

Breadcrumbing is passively, digitally staying in someone’s life by shamelessly, intentionally lurking (you do not need to like that Instagram from 4 months ago 80 photos deep in her timeline after you’ve curved them) or casual aimless messages like “I miss you,” “Hope you’re well,” and “Thinking of you” that you have zero plan of seeing this individual. Like the Facebook “Poke,” just don’t do it. Breadcrumbing can be misleading, it’s simply not worth it, and you will look stupid. “Those people probably are just lonely and want attention,” Urasek says.

For Real, Just Be Honest

“Most people don’t enjoy any confrontation which is why ghosting is so common, but whether it’s sending a text or in person, just let the other person know how you’re feeling,” Urasek urges. The benefits of honestly and tactfully curving someone: Unexpected run-ins with anyone you cuve will be significantly less awkward than if you’d left their text on “Read” indefinitely, and if worst comes to worst you can probably go back to them and maintain your dignity.

Related: “Benching" Is the Cruel New Dating Trend That’s Even Worse Than Ghosting