May 12, 2013

What to say

Every couple struggling to get pregnant knows you care but sometimes you really need to think twice before opening your mouth. 
I must warn you this is kind of mean and maybe even funny but think of it as my way of helping you next time you find out a friend is trying to get pregnant.  I also don’t hold any of this against friends and family that have said these things because they didn’t know then.

a) "Relax and it will happen just don't stress you"
So what you are saying is I should eliminated all stress.  How about I quit my job and spend the summer walking the dog and deciding what beach I want to spend the day at?  It sounds relaxing and stress free, doesn't it?  Well, I did this 13 month ago.  Moving on...... 

b) "Go on vacation, then you'll get pregnant"
If that were reality we would have three kids at the point

c) "It'll happen when you least expect it"

Enough said.

d) "You can have my kids"
Sure I laugh awkwardly but I would kill to trade places with you.  Sit back and see how lucky you are.  I do love hanging with all my friends kids.  I can do fun things like watch kids movies,play in the park or see who can run down the hill the fastest.

e) "You should think about adoption"
Why has that NEVER occurred to me.  Thank god you said that!  The reality is we want our own baby.  The only way we would consider adoption is if we were guardians of family / friends kids and something awful happened.

f) "You could do IVF"
Sure could.  Wanna give me $15,000? ........hello? you there?   I'll take that as a no.
This is something we don't really want to do because we would have to got into debt to afford it.  Then we run the risk of it not working.  Can you imagine making that debt payment every month with nothing to show for it.  How much that would kill you? That reminder every month.

g) "I would do anything if I wanted to have a kid that bad, no matter what it took"
Again...$15,000? That's the first treatment, it does go down slightly for the second treatment.....43.4% success rate...think about that.

h) "You should just have sex, practicing is the fun part"

It is fun for the first couple of months but 24 months in it isn't sorry.  The doctor dictates when you need to have sex, suggests positions, options and how long to lay on your back after.  Yeah, sex is 'fun'.

I am so glad we haven't spend thousands yet.

i) "Have you tried________"

For every idea you have we've done 10.  Short of standing on my head.

j) Just complaining about your pregnancy
F*ck off.  I don't care because we would kill to be in your position.  I would kill for back aches, morning sickness, bed ridden for month, just to have a baby.  My husband would love to HAVE to mow the lawn, shovel snow, to ALL the house/yard work and give up sex for YEARS if it meant we could have a baby so why don't you take your complaining and go jump off a cliff.

k)"Don't give up" "We know it will happen"
Really? You talked to God? Did he say when the stork was coming???!?? I can meet the stork.  
At some point stats are not in your favour at all or you get to old.  Hello...I will not be having my first baby at 40, sorry no.  

l) "Don't gossip about their infertility"
This was listed on many websites, seriously.  Best part is it happened to me!  WHERE THE F*CK DO PEOPLE GET OFF!!!!!  First off, unless you heard it from the horses mouth go and f*cking die you sad, sad excuse for a human being!!  You are a piece of shit or worse, a piece of shit buried under 30 feet of concrete that has a concrete square inside that you are inside and you will never never see daylight again or talk to another person EVER!  Even if you heard it from the horses mouth you shouldn't discuss it with other.  I don't mind talking about it or having a discussion about it with people.  I like talking about it, it helps me deal with it.  What grates me is when people that hear it second hand start suggesting thing or saying I haven't done enough....You know, you're right, I haven't laid on enough cold tables, given enough blood, had enough swaps taken, had enough ultrasounds, exercised the right way, eaten the right foods, researched it enough, sat in enough doctors offices, sat in enough hospital rooms, been to the hospital for enough testing, spread my legs enough for the doctor, haven't had enough sex, having timed it enough,  haven't laid down long enough after sex, haven't taken enough rounds of fertility drugs, you're right, aside from spending $15,000 what else can I do for you?
God that just felt fabulous.  I honestly haven't vented about that till now.  That was AWESOME!

Did you know that the list of what not to say is so much longer than what to say?  I think it's because has humans we want to help and show support any way we can and unfortunately some of the ways that should help don't.  

What to say and do for a couple struggling to get pregnant.

a) "Is there anything I can do?"
No there really isn't but knowing you care enough to want to help is help in itself.  Make sure you mean it when you say it though.  

b) "I am hear to listen if you want and I won't judge"
LISTEN.  Using others has a sounding board during this journey is key.  It is helpful to work through things going on in my own head.   This journey is a delicate one and having a safe haven where you know they won't repeat your words to others is comforting.

c) Cry with us
It's a stressful journey on everyone involved its ok to cry with us and for us.  

d) Random acts of kindness
 Whether that forms itself in a hug, a card, an invite to do something, phone call or just chillin'.

These are not all my own.  If you spend a little time researching you will see these show up whenever people are discussing what to say and not to say


  1. My favorite are the stories. "My cousin tried for 7 years and then BAM! just when they stopped trying...she had triplets" "Celine Dion had to do IVF 6 times before she got pregnant". "Halle Barry is 46 and she just got still have time" YOU'RE NOT MAKING ME FEEL ANY BETTER!!!!

    Hang in there...we right with ya!

  2. I hear you! I love the "well, they just stopped thinking about it" Thank you for reading