pinpoint 1 dry mountain (processed is not ideal, but can used as substitute)

gather 5 facetious individuals (the more disparate, the more memorable)

begin by marinating on narrow, subtropical balcony at least 3 hours prior to preparation

dress in inappropriate attire, pounded thin in dirty totes

arrange various sized crystals from 3+ continents (decorative purposes only)

roll one mini indian lingam or unpolished river pebble between sweaty palms

empty 3-4 packets of cigarettes, setting a few aside to be finely chopped as garnish

overextend 1 recently dislocated knee (adjust to suit desired level of burn)

on a large trail, boil all ingredients until they reach internal temperature of  256.2°F 

if shaky, freeze, roll beneath thick parchment, and repeat