Frustrated Trump Demanded to Speak to Twitter's Manager, @Jack

Official White House Photo by Tia Dufour

Donald Trump, a spam bot that was granted sentience by a curse from a witch, has decided he would like to speak to the manager of Twitter. The President had a closed door meeting with Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey on Tuesday and it was the high-powered, dystopian version of Trump huffily bursting into an Apple Store and leaning menacingly over the Genius Bar, demanding to know why his phone kept showing him negative comments about himself. "Clearly there is something wrong with your product," he'd say, swooping his bang as an employee quietly ticked off a box marked "Does not know what he's talking about; is loud."

Trump summoned @Jack to the White House ostensibly to talk about "protecting the health of public conversation ahead of the 2020 U.S. election."

This is like that time smallpox and the plague got together to discuss vaccine education.

While no footage or notes from the meeting have been made publicly available, Trump did tip his hand to the real purpose of the confab hour before sitting down with @Jack.

The President, who still refuses to retain the knowledge of how to thread tweets even though the button is right there in front of him, went to town on the unfounded conspiracy theory that Twitter is deleting his followers and that Congress should get involved.

You really do have hand to the man: his commitment to nonsense is unparalleled. Donald Trump calling the manager of Twitter demanding to know why his army of bots, American flag avatars that openly bemoan the War of Northern Aggression, people who should not be on their local school boards but definitely are, and Krassensteins is fluctuating is peak obliviousness. "Why am I losing followers besides the fact that many of them are fake and I spend hours every day tweeting all-caps vitriol? Must be a conspiracy!"

According to the Washington Post, @Jack tried to use reason with the President, not knowing that reason is the one dog whistle Trump cannot hear. "Twitter long has explained that follower figures fluctuate as the company takes action to remove fraudulent spam accounts. In the meeting, Dorsey stressed that point, noting even he had lost followers as part of Twitter’s work to enforce its policies." The image of @Jack, who looks like Goth Shaggy from Scooby-Doo, lightheaded from having only eaten a bay leaf and a page from 1984 for breakfast, trying to explain why Twitter is bad to the reason Twitter is bad is both poetic and incomprehensible.

While this meeting, like most of the things happening politically in this era, was a massive annoyance with dark underpinnings, it is commendable that Trump managed to go through this whole farce without having any personal revelations at all. This is Michael Scott-level fool's erranding and it deserves its own wing at Trump eventual Presidential Library and Discount Furniture Store.


Trump really jumped in his CRV, drove to the mall, and demanded that the manager of Twitter put down his Subway sandwich, clock back in from break, come out from his cubicle in the back and explain to him why millions more people weren't voluntarily choosing to subject themselves to daily barrage of petty grievances, clumsy misspelled lies, Fox & Friends live tweets, and bootleg Game of Thrones memes. A mystery!

Make no mistake, this is exactly the same energy I would manifest as president, though. "@Jack, why aren't more people liking my tweets about how hot Fred Savage is? Are you afraid of the TRUTH? Have you seen Friends from College?! And why was Friends from College cancelled? Bring the manager of Netflix here right away. We are shutting the government down until I get some answers! Convene a Senate Hearing. Subpoena Billy Eichner! SUBPOENA HIM!"

For his part, Trump seemed mollified by the empty gesture of @Jack showing up in the Oval Office, leaving his trademark beanie at home, and allowing a Baby Boomer to yell at him about how the technology was both broken and trying to outsmart him.

"Lots of subjects discussed regarding their platform, and the world of social media in general," Trump wrote of their half hour meeting like he was leaving a passive-aggressive Yelp review that he will update in a month with a new batch of complaints. Customer service! What a conspiracy!



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