...where distraction is the main attraction.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

30 Simple Rules of Fitness Club Etiquette

1.  Looking at yourself longingly in the mirror while the 25-lb weights sit at your feet does not count as "using" the weights.

2. Share the weights.  Thus, do not take six different sets of free weights to your corner and claim that you are "using" them all "right now".

3. Do not opine on politics with an Outside Voice while in the locker room.

4. Do not opine on politics at all.

5. Do not slam the machine weights.  The unenforced sign that reads "Do not slam the machine weights" isn't just posted to cover up a crack in the drywall.  You will break the machine, which will ruin the workout routine for hundreds of people.  Returning the weights slowly to their original position works your muscles and IS PART OF THE WORKOUT.  If you can't lift the weights appropriately, use less weight, Tough Guy.

6. Wash your jockstrap.  This year.  I'm serious.

7. When that woman says that she doesn't need you to spot her, don't force the issue.  No means no.  If she wanted you to straddle her head while she lays down, she would have provided a more overt invitation.

8. Don't smell like garlic when using the elliptical next to mine.

9. Slamming your feet into the treadmill tread while you run is not proper running form.  It slows you down.  It tires you out quicker.  It will likely bring on joint or ligament injury very quickly.  And it's loud as f**k.

10. Swinging your entire body around while using the elliptical heightens your chance of injury and wears you out quicker, but is totally appropriate if your headphone song ROCKS.

11. There's grunting and then there's Grunting.  Capital 'G' Grunting is like a tramp stamp.  It broadcasts that you didn't receive enough attention from your father.

12. If you flex and grunt at yourself in the mirror, your human being membership will be revoked.

13. Standing next to a cardio machine and using your Outside Voice to talk to an exercising individual for thirty minutes is inappropriate.  You are disrupting everyone else's workout and you are not working out.

14. If you sweat profusely, wipe down the goddamn equipment when you're done.  Sweat is the equivalent of urine and often smells worse.  Wipe the bench.  Seriously, wipe it.  I still see your nut sweat stripe on it.

15. Be judicious with the Purell.  Do not bathe in it.  Aside from strengthening the most aggressive 0.1% of existing bacteria, you are also suffocating everyone around you in a cloud of ether.

16. To women who choose to wear tight shorts that barely cover the cheeks and a boosting brassiere instead of a sports bra:  There are infinite permutations of gymwear, but you chose clothing that accentuates your sexuality.  Thank you, you've made my 7am workout much better.

17. Farting:  Cropdust responsibly.  And away from me.  Nothing ruins the last rep of a military press like a sulphuric barbecue air biscuit.  Someone's going to get hurt here, and it'll probably be me.

18. Farting:  On a treadmill, acceptable, but only if you're really running hard.

19. Farting:  Woman on the elliptical next to me......that's your eighth one in five minutes.  Go to the f**k to the bathroom.

20. After finishing your bowel movement in the restroom and before using the fitness equipment, wash your hands.  There's poop on them.

21. Don't stand outside a fitness classroom and stare at the people taking spinning/yoga/kickboxing.  They are exercising.  You are not.

22. If the equipment you are using breaks, then please tell a fitness club employee.  And blame it on the D-Bag from Rule #5.

23. If you are talking on your cell phone for more than ten seconds, every person at the gym is allowed to "accidentally" clock you with a 50lb. dumbbell until you end your call.

24. If you are spraying mucus onto your elliptical screen (because you can't bother to cover your sick hole when you cough), then you should not be in public.  Go home, but wipe down the machine before you leave, lest you desire two broken kneecaps to go with your influenza.

25. When you finish a set on a machine and see at least one person waiting to use the same machine, do not remain there and take out your iPhone to watch Two and a Half Men before your next set.

26. If someone asks, "Can I work in?"  The correct answer is, "Yes."

27. Do not sit and read the newspaper at the machine between sets.

28. If you leave your sweatshirt on the only remaining weight bench as you take a ten minute cropdusting stroll around the gym between sets, I am allowed to rifle through its pockets.  And then toss it aside.

29. My god, flush the toilet.

30. Share, be considerate of others, don't use your Outside Voice indoors, cover your mouth, wash your hands...  If your 5-year-old grandchild can do these things better than you, then maybe she should be welcomed into society and you should be ushered out.

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