Wednesday, July 11, 2012


Since you know I‘m a writer and blog mostly about writing, you might think that by “Characters,” I mean imaginary ones, the kind we put in our fiction. Not that I haven’t met my share of weird real people over the years, and, in fact, I put some colorful characters in my mainstream novel, CHOICES, published under my maiden name, Phyll Ashworth.

I spent nineteen years selling my husband’s artwork at those art shows you might have seen in enclosed shopping centers or the sidewalks of strip malls. For my fictional purposes, I changed only mildly eccentric artists into murderers, philanderers, cheating wives and even gay bashers. And those were my friends.

The absolute most interesting character I ever met was not an artist but a person I originally thought was a customer. The following is true and took place in San Francisco in about 1980.

* * *

The smooth-shaven man was of medium height, wore a conservative black suit with a maroon striped tie and highly polished shoes. He pointed to my display. "You did these?"

"My husband did. They're original pen and ink drawings, with a wash over them for the color."

"I can see that. They're very good."

"Thank you.” I paused, thinking perhaps I could make a big sale out of this. "They look nice in groupings of two or three. Which do you prefer, the animals or the birds?"

"Oh, I like them all.” He walked over to a display board with animal pictures, and I followed at a discreet distance.

"You see, I know animals. I have hundreds on my estate."

I didn't answer. Hundreds of animals? Who was this guy?

"My family has made me stop adding to my collection, but I could have pictures of them, you see.” His face remained perfectly calm and serious, and I still didn't say anything.

“How much for all of them?"

"You want all of them?” This had to be a gag. I looked around to see if some friends lurked nearby, watching my reaction.

"Yes," the man said. "You see, I want to hang them in the White House. I'm the Acting President of the United States. The White House is going to be remodeled, you know."

A nut. If that wasn't a joke, then he was a nut. I decided to humor the guy. "No, I didn't know."

"It's not my headquarters, you see. I'm turning it into a restaurant. The chef at the Crown Room will run it for me."

"Oh, I think a restaurant is a very good idea. Much better than what they do with it now."

"Quite so. I had lunch in the Crown Room the other day, and they wanted to put me in jail because I wouldn't pay my bill. I was protesting, you see. It was twenty dollars, and you have to admit twenty dollars for lunch is ridiculous.” He paused, continuing to look perfectly normal. “It's inflationary, that's all. I said I would pay seventeen dollars, but the other three were pure inflation and I wouldn't pay that. They made me wait in a back room. My family came and got me out."

I smiled. "That's nice."

"How much for all the pictures?"

"I'll have to think about it,” I said. The man might be crazy, but he was consistent. He remembered he wanted all the pictures. “Why don't you come back a little later and I'll let you know.” In a little while he'd be gone and that would be the end of that. I didn't need to get mixed up with any crazies.

"Fine. I have to see some other artists anyway." He strolled over to another friend. Pity I couldn't warn her.

But in ten minutes he was back. "Ah, yes. Do you have those figures for me now?"

I pulled a number out of the air. "Five thousand dollars."

"That's reasonable. I want you to deliver them, of course. Here's my card.” He scribbled something on a folded business card and handed it to me with a smile. He walked away, still looking like just an ordinary shopper.

I looked at what he had written. The blank folded card had a few words scrawled inside: "$5000. Accepted. Gerald McDonald, Acting President of the United States of North America.”

So he thought he was the President, not Napoleon. I shrugged and put the card in my pocket. I never saw him again.


  1. Pretty scary how nuts some very normal looking people are. LOL There are probably some who's say that about me.
    Interesting post, Phyllis.

    1. Thanks for the comment. Yes, one never knows by looks alone.

  2. I work downtown. There a bunch of homeless people that I every other day or only in the summer. Michael is interesting young man, he has an imaginary friend. He’s the only one that I know by name. A co-worker told me about him. I have seen him talking to his invisible friend. One day he was just laughing and talking. He tried to give his friend a dollar. I’ve seen him fuss with his friend too. That’s a little scary. I am very careful and cautious.

  3. Wow, intriguing story, Phyllis. I particularly liked your response, "better than what they do with it now." You remained very calm in this situation. My congratulations, and very interesting character, if not tragic.

    1. Gonnell: Thanks for the comment.I've often thought of that response and wondered why it popped into my head at that moment.


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