Questions That Haunt Me



Are you supposed to send checks to people who retweet your Twitter tweets and ponies to the people who give you Facebook likes, or vice versa? I need to know soon, because the ponies out back are getting really loud.

How can we have a SHRED of respect for so-called “Millenials” when they, overwhelming, have no idea who the Marx Brothers are?

How can Cher STILL be on tour? Surely every gay person in the world has seen her like 17 times? And she is, what, about 95 years old?

Do they cancel your Man Card when the “rehab workout” your physiotherapist recommends involves rolling on a tennis ball and lifting a bottle of shampoo? I am asking for a friend.

Do you people have any idea how hard it is to walk around all day long, interacting with people and doing stuff, while pretending not to be a curmudgeon dinosaur? I am also asking this for a friend.

Why does anyone care if Madonna’s old bottom is hanging out or she occasionally falls down the stairs?

Head Banging

Why do I bang my head every single time I go under my desk to retrieve one of the 900 things I drop every day? This is not exactly synchronized swimming.

You try not to judge people unless you have walked a mile in their shoes, but how do you explain the Rev. Al Sharpton? And Hillary. And the Brucilla Kardashians?

Has anyone, ever, even one time, gotten more than one use out of a tube of Super glue? Follow up question. Has anyone who ever used Super glue NOT glued their fingers together? And by “anyone” I do not mean women.

If the Supreme Court had voted for Al Gore way back when, and he, not Dubya, had been elected president, are you trying to tell me there would be way more polar bears and way fewer jihadists? Really?

Hypothetically speaking, anywhere in the world, is there a single woman who is not, how can we put this delicately, insane? I am asking on behalf of all men, everywhere.

If you put $10 worth of gas in the car, how can it not cause the needle to move even one mili-micron?

How can the people who work with the Speaker of the House refrain from scratching him with a nail to see of the orange will come off?

The Hulk

If we all agree to pay $18 in advance, can the next Avengers just include the Hulk beating the crap out of Loki?

If there was a terrible, horrible, global flood, and you were trapped high on a mountain in a huge air-tight warehouse, with thousands of cases of Oreos and beer, would it really be that bad?

If you have never watched even one complete episode of Game of Thrones, Mad Men, Breaking Bad or Modern Family because, in large part, you find their teasers stupid or offensive, is your U.S. passport automatically cancelled? And if that were to happen, would you really care?

If Hillary wins in 2016, or is is 2018, we forget, will she block off half the White House for William Jefferson Fitzgerald Roosevelt Clinton, his trampoline and a squadron of gurly aides, or will she just kill him? There could be a lot of votes in this decision.

Would it be so wrong to build a large wall around Washington, D.C. and on, say, Inauguration Day, when everybody who is anybody is there, flood the place and, when it dries out, just let Tim Tebow be President? Or king, maybe? As we recall, there is some precedent for this flood thing.

Theoretically speaking, if we had an an annual spring cull of teenage boys with the big black orbs in their earlobes, creepy tattoos and baggy pants… Okay, this is not a question. This is a proposal. Who’s with me?

And if it does not stop raining in Oklahoma very soon, will the Sooner Schooner look like this next year because, damn, ya’ll?










2 Responses to “Questions That Haunt Me”

  1. Eli says:

    Funny! I know who the Marx brothers are…but what are “Stumbleupon”, “Baidu” and “AIM”???????

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