Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Good Girl

I want to be good. I really want to be.

I know that no one consciously wants to be bad, but not everyone consciously wants to be good either. To be happy, to be the best, to be special, to be loved, to have fun, to be seen as good, maybe, but not necessarily to be good.

(good girl, 365 Day 209)

There's no short term reward in it. It's not all that fun, either. It may be a gift from God, but it does sometimes feel like the bane of what could be an easy life. It means saying,"no" when everyone else says, "yes," or sighing and saying,"yes" when everyone else says,"no." It hounds me until I do the right thing or admit that I didn't do the right thing (which is often the case.) Even as a little girl, I'd rush to tell my mother what bad thing I'd done like you might hurriedly rip a bandaid off to get the pain over with.

Being good means feeling pain. Even if it's just momentary pain, quickly replaced by peace with myself, it does hurt. I either hurt because I deny myself (of things or first priority or a rant), or I hurt because I didn't and I feel just rotten for it. And that is the selfish aspect of being a do-gooder. You're just ensuring you don't have to carry the guilt of doing bad.

Well, I'm not carrying a lot of guilt today, but I am feeling a little tired. Like I said there's not a lot of immediate gratification for continuing to try to be good. But there is gratification.
I have to say that it does feel great when one of my children reviews their actions and says, "I'm sorry for the way I acted today," or when they split a treat in half to share, or one encourages the other with, "I think your braces look really good."


I'm not going to get into the times they sound sarcastic or fuss like me.

1 comment:

  1. I adore this post. Know exactly where you're coming from. Brings to mind a favorite saying of my sister's "No good deed goes unpunished." ha! Feels that way sometimes, though, doesn't it?