New Fan Fiction: Milk & Honey (Legend of Zelda)

Remember when I said it was a long six weeks after my wife gave birth via C-section? Well, this is the result: "Milk and Honey", a Legend of Zelda fan fiction and my first attempt at erotica.

What's it about? Link has been having a sexual relationship with Zelda for a long time, but it has to be secret, because he's a commoner, and Princess Zelda cannot have a relationship with a commoner. So he's frustrated and bored. Until he helps a rain-soaked Malon at Lon Lon Ranch, and arousal develops.

So kiddies take note. This is an adult story with lots of adult graphic sex and description.

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Copyright 2010 by Eric J. Juneau. All rights reserved.

This story is in no way intended to infringe on the established copyrights and trademarks of Nintendo Co., Ltd. It is for entertainment purposes only and is not intended for sale. It may be freely distributed providing that no alterations to the story are made.

This story contains crude indecent language, intensely suggestive dialogue, and explicit sexual activity. It is not intended for readers under the age of 18. Reader discretion is advised.

The characters and incidents portrayed and the names in this story used herein are fictitious and any similarity to the name, character, or history of any person, living, dead, or otherwise, is purely coincidental and unintentional.

Milk & Honey
by Eric J. Juneau


Two guards on the left, one on the right.

Link let out a little slack on the hookshot, dropping him back under the parapet. A castle guard traipsed by, his boots clicking on the stone walkway.

Once he passed, Link climbed up and put the hookshot away in his bag. The guards weren't patrolling in his favor tonight. Every time he thought one had passed by, another one came around the corner. Were they upping security for some reason? Why? Not because of him. He'd never been caught.

Sneaking into Hyrule Castle in the dead of night wasn't behavior he wanted reported.

Link tiptoed down the walkway and ducked behind a barrel in an alcove. Voices sounded around the corner.

"Dunno why there's so many of us," someone said in a shabby accent. "Ain't been trouble around the castle for years. They caught that Ganondorf fellow. No trouble since they discovered his plot to assassinate the king."

"Magic wards around him are tighter than a Leever's arsehole. I hear talk of building a prison in Gerudo desert, just for him and his like."

"The Gerudo'll allow that?"

"They suggested it," the guard countered. "Give 'em jobs. Improve relations. It's a win-win."

Their voices trailed off as they wandered away. Link tuned his senses to his surroundings--above, below, and to the sides--all eyes and ears open. He could not be caught.

Link treaded across the outer curtain battlements, keeping his body low. He was on the east side now. If he could get to the south wall, the tower would give him a safe haven.

First, he had to swing across the rope banner connecting two wall abutments. There was a longer way, but it would put him in a perfect place to get spotted. Link grabbed the rope and swung hand over hand across.

No one shouted out. He swung back on the other side and huddled his body close to the wall. If he had something else to wear than his green tunic, he could blend better. He should have worn a black outfit for this. Heck, he should wear something different now that he was older. But he just couldn't see himself in anything but the Kokiri garb he'd grown up with.

Besides, it wasn't like he ever planned these excursions. How many times had he done this now, sneaking in at all hours of the evening and leaving before daybreak?

Before it had only been... maybe once a month. Then once every few weeks. Now he was doing it every night. The king's guards could be getting suspicious of his frequent presence around the castle. Then again, he was a close friend of the princess.

"What was that?"

Damn. Link zipped between a pillar and the wall. He'd been so lost in his thoughts...

A guard's armor jingled as its owner jogged over. His yellow lantern cast the pillar's shadow on the wall.

"I swear..." the guard said, swinging his light around. Link stayed dead silent. Only the whisper of the wind sounded.

Just don't breathe. He'll go away eventually. He'll get bored and continue on his way.

Clink. The hilt of his sword brushed against the stone.

"Ah," the guard rushed forward. "Now I've got-"

In the dark, the guard couldn't see that both Link's fists were closed.

Link threw one hand forward and dropped something on the ground. The phosphors and magnesium in the Deku nut exploded in a blinding flash. Link, knowing what to expect, had closed his eyes. The guard ended up looking directly into the localized light, bright as the sun for a split second.

As the Deku nut flashed, Link spun around the pillar, ending up behind the guard. He brought down his other hand, which held his boomerang. It clanged against his helmet.

The guard wobbled and sagged to the ground, unconscious. Link waited a few seconds. When the guard didn't stir, Link ran away.

Damn, damn, damn. At least the guard wouldn't be able to report seeing anything. He'd think he fell asleep on the job and keep this incident to himself. At worst, they'd report an unconfirmed sighting.

Link ran as fast as he could in silence and stopped under the tower. He locked the hookshot on his arm and fired. The chained spear sailed in a straight line through a thin window meant for firing arrows from, and dug in somewhere beyond.

Link released the trigger. The chain retracted and he flew up. The hookshot dragged him up to the stone ledge of the window. Link had to squeeze through. He landed on soft carpet in a pitch black room.

Now that he was here, he breathed out a sigh of relief. No more danger, at least for a while. He unbuckled his belt and let his sword and items fall on the floor.


A gas lantern flickered to life. Link looked towards the source, startled.

"God, I thought you'd never come," said Zelda. She sat up in bed, a lace nightie hanging off her shoulders.

Link stood there. "It's getting tougher and tougher to sneak in. I almost got caught this time." He continued disrobing, moving onto his boots. Without his belt on, he looked like he was in a short dress.

Zelda reached for a hairbrush on her table and combed through a rough patch in her blond tresses. "I heard they might be conducting some night drills for the new trainees."

"Thanks for telling me. Could've helped a bit."

"You got through, didn't you? Just hurry up, I've been waiting for this all day."

Link pulled off his jerkin and the chain-mail hauberk underneath. There was a trail of clothing behind him, leading to Zelda's bed. "Excuse me, princess. I didn't know we were on a schedule."

"Well, you took all night to get here."

Link stood bare-chested before her and huffed. As he took off his white leggings, he thought of how much fun this wasn't. Waiting around the castle for nightfall, sneaking in, getting berated for it. Only the act itself was fun. And then, only on a purely biological level.

"Sorry," Zelda said. "Today was a bad day. The conference about taxation of new farmland went on forever this morning. I was bored the whole time. I had nothing to contribute. I didn't get a midday meal until fourteen o'clock. And then after that..." Her tone grew agitated. She shook her head. "Never mind. I don't care. Just get in here."

Link stood before her, completely naked. His still limp cock swung back and forth as he bent over and crawled into the bed.

Zelda wrapped an arm around his neck and kissed him chastely. As soon as Link started kissing back, she relaxed and let him in. Link rubbed his tongue over hers. The intimacy felt forced, part of an itinerary.

"Are you going to take your nightie off?" Link said.

"You take it off," Zelda whispered.

Link grimaced. She was trying to be sexy, but he got an impression of laziness. He clutched the bottom of her chiff with one hand and hoisted it over her head. Zelda raised her arms to help him. She snuggled her warm, pearl-smooth skin against his muscular body, pressing her breasts pressed against his chest. Link caressed her tight calves and thighs.

"What's wrong?" Zelda asked.

"Nothing. I'm just tired. I'm sorry." Link found new energy and kissed her back passionately. He rubbed the side of her breasts and moved his hand down to her blond pubic patch. Zelda moaned.

Link buried his face in her neck. She smelled of lavender. They ground back and forth rhythmically, lying parallel. Zelda's arms wrapped around his neck. Link used one hand for support and another for rubbing the flesh between her legs.

"Mmm," Zelda grunted. They writhed together, neither one of them moving onto the next step. Her cunt slowly moistened until it was as slippery as soap. His own member stiffened.

Zelda shifted her hips forward into his sliding hand. "Aaaaaaah."

He moved his arm over and placed a hand on her breast. He tweaked her pale pink nipple.

"Ow," Zelda said. "What are you doing?"

"Sorry," Link whispered. "I thought... never mind."

Link had just wanted to try something new. Oh well. They continued kissing, until Link felt it was time to move on. He wriggled on top of her, dropping most of his weight on her body.

She parted her thighs and shuffled down the bed until he could feel her vagina nudging his prick, encouraging him in. Finally, the foreplay was over with. Link slid his thick head into her. He felt her pelvis spasm as he moved in deeper.

"Mmmm," Zelda said.

Link grunted low as he banged his hips into her, over and over. "Ah, ah, ah," Zelda uttered with each thrust. The slight swath of her ass teased against his ballsack. Her subtle flowery smell wafted into his face.

"Unh, unh, unh, unnnnh," Link grunted with each succeeding thrust. Zelda lay there and moaned, her eyes closed, lost in the rapture. Link looked down at her disdainfully. She was deriving such pleasure from his advances. He wished she would do more than just lie there and take it.

Link felt his threshold approaching, like an overflowing river approaching a dam. Zelda was close too--her screams were getting louder and faster. "Ungh." Link let out a satisfied groan as he pushed further into her cleft, sinking in up to the hilt.

"Yes, yes, yes, yes, AH." Zelda's cheeks blossomed into a rosy tinge. The sound of her getting off let loose Link's own floodgates. For one of the first times tonight, he began to vocalize, grunting harder and harder.

"Ungh, ungh, unnnnnn..." Link let loose inside her, filling her womb with hot spunk. A fiery warmth enveloped his cock as their juices mixed together.

Link collapsed on top of her. Zelda let her arms go loose and relaxed on the bed. "Phew," he said and rolled off.

Zelda immediately sat up and grabbed a handkerchief from her nightstand. She used it to wipe up the fluids dripping out of her vulva. Once finished, she walked out of the bed and disposed of it in the chamber pot. The moonlight reflected her slender, white body. She didn't look like a princess nude, but she looked like something more than a regular girl.

Link watched her with his head on the pillow.

Link woke to sunlight on his face. He was still naked in Zelda's bed. She was snuggled up to him, spooning. His arm was draped over her back.

He must have fallen asleep. Usually, he left before daybreak, just in case someone came in with rushing news or morning routines. But apparently, no one was worried about that right now. Otherwise, Zelda would have woken him up.

Link snuggled up to her. This was nice, just the two of them. There was no one that needed them, just each other.

Moving in closer must have woken her up. She stirred and turned over to him. "Morning. You fell right asleep last night."

"I was tired, I guess."

"You should get going, before anyone comes in."

Link pulled back the covers. Zelda had returned to her evening gown, while Link was still undignifingly nude. "Where is everyone?"

"I don't know. But you'd better get your clothes on."

Despite Zelda's threats, Link sat on the edge of the bed and stretched.

"I'm still so tired," Zelda said, still in bed.

"Am I going to be able to see you today?" Link put on his underwear and undershirt.

"I don't know. Today's going to be busy again. Another taxation meeting. Then we're receiving the baron of Unolai today and the duke of Talbain tomorrow. I guess you can come to that, if you want."

"No, I'll probably just go out in the field. Look for trouble. There are still some cursed Skulltulas out there."

"The weatherseid said it's supposed to rain this evening."

Link to a moment to register what that statement meant. Or rather the absence of anything additional. No 'Be careful, Link'. No 'if it rains, I'll leave the light on for you'. No 'take an umbrella, just in case'.

"Don't worry about me. Plenty of trees I can duck under out there."

Zelda opened her chifforobe and pulled out her undergarments. She put on a pair of lacy silk panties and a solid white bra. It kept her chest high and tight, with only modest cleavage--a practical bra. A princess couldn't seem showy or alluring. Any natural beauty she displayed had to be modest, restrained.

"It must be great out there," Zelda said. "It's so hard without Impa here anymore. I turn eighteen, and she thinks I can take care of myself now. So she goes on a journey to find her people. And father's been shifting so many responsibilities on me."

"It's not that great anymore. With Ganondorf gone, the thrills are drying up. The biggest thing out there is a Peahat. And they only attack to protect their young."

"It's like I don't get any rest anymore. That's why I need these... visits. It takes me away from everything."

Link had just finished putting his jerkin on. He was about to say something when the door clicked.

Acting on warrior instincts, Link slid under the bed and disappeared. Thankfully, he was completely dressed. The door opened. "Madame Princess," called a female voice.

"I'm here," Zelda said with a slight tremble in her voice. "I'm awake. Just getting dressed."

"Oh, good. Your breakfast should be ready any moment."

All Link could see were feet treading back and forth across the wood floor. He could use Farore's Wind to escape, but the flash of magic might be noticed. A second pair of feet entered--black shoes and tight velvet pants, belonging to a foppish man.

"There's been a change for today. The baron of Unolai is arriving today, not tomorrow."

"What? Today? What about the taxation meeting?" Zelda said.

"It's been moved. Or you're no longer attending. Either way. The king felt it was more important that you were able to receive the baron."

More suitors. Zelda was of marrying age now, single, and the highest ruling class in Hyrule. Anyone who felt he had a claim to royalty--landowners, military captains, the wealthy--was beating down the drawbridge to entreat her hand. Link clenched his fist and-

His sword!

His belt and scabbard were still somewhere in the room. Probably out in the open, wherever he had dropped it last night. Where was it? Hanging off a chair? On the floor? If anyone saw it...

"His lordship's entourage will be here at noon and he shall leave in the morning before the duke arrives. Hopefully, they won't meet in the field. I'd hate to see that scuffle."

"Indeed," Zelda sighed. A gown fell over her feet. She was putting on her clothes for the morning.

"I take it none of them catches your fancy?"

"No, not yet," replied Zelda. "I will let you know when one does."

"Hm," the dandy said, "Well, do let us know soon. There are only so many men of worthy blood in the kingdom."

Link's own 'unworthy' blood boiled at this remark. Hyrule was vast, but the number of candidates to choose from was limited. She couldn't marry into another race like the Zora or the Gorons. The Kokiri were all children and the Gerudo were all female.

People were moving all over the room. How had they not found his sword yet? Then he heard a quiet 'eep!' Whose voice was that?

No one said anything. Feet continued shifting around the bed. "Stella," Zelda said. "I want to wear my broach today. The one high up there on the shelf. And Mardro, be a dear and fetch me some tea."

"But your breakfast should be ready-"

"I want it with my breakfast. Instead of milk. Deku leaf tea. One sugar please. And make sure they get it right. I'm not in a mood to be trifled with today."

"Yes, your highness," Mardro said. The man's dainty feet scuttled out of the room.

Link had been with Zelda long enough to know the tones of her voice. Right now, she was being deceitful, but he couldn't figure out why. Then she tiptoed towards a chair. His belt and scabbard fell on the floor.

She kicked it under the bed, almost smashing Link in the face. Link tucked the sword under his stomach.

"Never mind, Stella," Zelda said. "Let's just get this day started. The sooner it will be over with."

Zelda's feet walked around the bed and disappeared. Another set of fatter feet followed and the door closed.

Link waited thirty seconds in dead silence, just to make sure. He rolled out from under the bed, attached his belt, and flew out the window.

True to Zelda's word, the rain started as soon as Link was deep in Hyrule field. The rain suited his mood.

The more he thought about Zelda, the more he realized how unfair life was. They were connected through bonds stronger than any normal person could have. And yet, they couldn't be together, because no one knew the truth about what happened.

Zelda was being groomed for a life of royalty. Link was still a commoner. They treated him like Zelda's occasional playmate--a companion always hanging around the palace, a wannabe that Zelda allowed into her life. But they never treated him as the boy who saved Hyrule from apocalyptic destruction. Only he and the seven sages knew what truly transpired.

The rain matured from a light sprinkling to a downpour, too heavy to walk around in. Link's clothes became soaked and burdensome. He had to find shelter, but there were no trees nearby.

Lon Lon Ranch's peculiar stone wall loomed over the horizon and Link made a beeline for it. He stood under the large pine tree before the entrance and shook himself off. It wasn't completely dry, but the rain had to filter through the whorls of branches before it reached.

Link squeezed out his green cap and shivered. The rain was pouring in sheets now, and the clouds were so dark he could barely see.

"EEEEEK!" came a cry from within the ranch.

That was a girl's voice. The only girl in Lon Lon Ranch was...


Link raced through the archway, past the stables, and up to the corral. His soaked boots squished with water. Lightning cracked. He spotted a cluster of figures at the other end of the pasture, some of them horses...

...One of them, a Poe.

The lightning illuminated its glowing lantern and silken shroud. The horses clamored and reared up. Link sprinted forward. As he got closer, he could see a petite figure between the horses and the ghost.

Malon swung a stick at the Poe. "Back! Get back! Get out of here!" She stumbled and cried out in pain, like she had hurt herself.

The Poe hissed and swung his lantern at her. Malon shrieked and hopped back on one leg. The lantern clapped against her stick.

Link ran as fast as he could through the tempest, his boots squishing in mud. He started to grab his bow. No, the rain was too heavy, too dark to use it. He might hit something other than the Poe. Same story with the hookshot. What then? He wasn't close enough for anything, except...

The Poe swooped in mid-air. The horses behind Malon whinnied with terror and trotted behind Malon, threatening to trample her.

Link pulled out the Ocarina of Time. He'd never tried this before, but he didn't have much choice. He put the mouthpiece between his lips and blew.

The piercing whistle of the Song of Healing penetrated the staccato of rain. The Poe froze in mid-air, its lantern raised. It turned toward the sound and stared into Link's soul with its ochre eyes.

The lantern light faded and winked out. The Poe rose up into the sky and vanished.

He'd never seen that happen before. The lantern contained the Poe's soul. Link always had to break it open in combat. Then a burst of flames would surround the ghost as it shrunk to vapors. Maybe he'd found a new way to stop them.

Link put his ocarina away and approached Malon. The horses had calmed down and meandered around in the rain. Malon stood hunched over, breathing in and out, as the rain pelted her.

"Are you okay?"

"Who's that? Fairy boy?" She peered through the darkness. "It is you!" Malon started forward and fell into his arms. "Ow! My ankle's hurt. I think I sprained it."

"What happened?" Link said.

"That Poe came in and scared the horses. I tried to fend him off. I guess you saved me. Hee hee!" She peered up at him in the rain with her big blue eyes.

"You're soaked," he said.

"Yeah, so are you," she said.

"Yes, but my legs work. Come on, we have to get you dry."

"But the horses," she said. "I can't leave them out in the rain."

Link bit his lip. There was no way he was going to let her run in a downpour with a sprained ankle. "I'll do it," Link said.

"You know how to handle horses?"

"Yeah, I've got some experience. Don't worry about it."

Link looked back toward the barn and farmhouse. They were about as far as you could get and still be inside the ranch. But the shed nearby would work.

He swooped Malon up in his arms. She shrieked with delight as Link started towards the door.

"I always did want to be swept away." She slipped her wet arms around his neck.

"This rain's going to sweep us away, unless we get out of it." Link shouldered the door and opened the knob with his free hand. "Where's Talon?"

"He's down in Gerudo Valley trying to negotiate some cattle. And I don't know where Ingo is."

The scent of molding hay and wood hit him in a humid wave. He placed Malon on a nearby crate. She wrung out her long, wet, red hair. Water splashed on the ground.

"Wow, thanks. It's really pouring out there."

"Is your ankle okay?" Link asked.

"I'll be fine. Just take care of the horses. I don't know if you can do it. They don't like strangers."

"Don't worry about me. Just stay here."

Link walked back into the torrential rain and shut the door. The horses trotted around stupidly, still skittish from the adrenaline.

Link pulled out the ocarina again and played a simple, meandering song, like a lullaby. The same song Malon always sang.

The horses perked up. They stopped in their tracks and trotted towards him. Link marched towards the stables, still playing the melody. The horses followed him, each hoof splashing into the mud. It reminded Link of the Bremen Mask, something he hadn't thought of in six years.

"There you go," Link said, as he stood beside the barn door. The horses stepped into the dry stable. Link shut the door and placed the cross bar on the uprights.

The storm mellowed as he sloshed back to the shed. Poor Malon. Left all alone to manage the ranch? Link gritted his teeth at the irresponsibility of her guardians. Talon probably fell asleep before he'd even started back to the ranch. And Ingo was probably gambling in Castle Town.

Link opened the door to the shed. Malon stood there in pantaloons and a bra. Her body glistened from water. She had her dress in her hands, wringing it out on the wood floor. Her wet hair rained down her shoulders down to her cow-patterned brassiere.

She looked up. Her cheeks turned a rosy tinge.

"Oh. Hi. Sorry. I thought you'd take longer." She stood up straight.

Link's cheeks turned red as well. Malon's breasts were much bigger than she let on. The bra pressed them together so they looked mountainous. Her country dress did a good job of hiding her shapely body.

"That's... that's okay," Link said.

"Do you like my bra?" Malon looked down at her chest. "I had it made special. I thought it was appropriate, you know? It's real cowhide. Pretty comfortable too."

Now that he had permission, Link examined it closely. He could see the short fuzz and the thickness, like Malon needed a stronger material to keep her breasts up.

Malon approached the window, still topless. "Wow, you did it. You got them all in."

"Yeah, it's still pouring out there. I'd stay in here until the rain lets up."

"Will you stay with me?"

"Well... I guess so." Zelda could go without him for one night.

"Good. My leg still hurts. And I'm all alone here." She limped back to the crate and sat down.

Link picked up her dress. "You don't want to..."

"No. Not unless you want me to," she giggled.

Link shrugged and hung the dress on a hook.

"I'm a farm girl," Malon said. "We're not shy about that sort of thing. You lose your sense of modesty when you've been shoveling cow manure for three hours."

The rain looked a long way from ending so he lit a lantern and joined Malon on the crates.

"Do Talon and Ingo leave you alone like this all the time?"

"Sometimes. Daddy's trying to drum up some more business now that Hyrule's more peaceful. I think he wants to make sure I'm okay when he leaves the ranch to me. And Ingo? Pfft," she waved her hand. "Who cares? He should be grateful he still has a job."

"You got that right," Link said.

"Dad takes pity on him. But all he does is whine about how much work he has to do. Then he gambles it all away."

Malon bent down to examine her leg. Link couldn't help but notice her canyon cleavage.

"Mm, does it look like it's starting to swell?"

Link couldn't see very well in the lantern light, so he knelt in front of her. Malon held out her leg to him and hiked up her pant leg to give him better access. Link took it in his hands. Her skin felt smooth and cool, like cream.

He ran her hands up and down her calf. Link's face flushed, but this was a hero's duty, to help people. "Does that hurt?"

"No, but it feels good," she hummed.

Link rubbed her leg up and down, wringing the fatigue and pain out, like squeezing a towel.

Malon uttered a low, breathy moan. Her hand moved to the top of her breasts and caressed them. She looked like she wasn't in the room anymore.

Link suddenly felt uncomfortable. He cleared his throat.

"Oh, sorry. I got carried away. Tee hee," Malon said. "It gets lonely here, you know. Ever since I was a kid I had this dream that a knight in shining armor would come and sweep me off my feet."

"Yeah, I think I heard that somewhere," Link said.

"The only boy I ever see regularly besides Dad is Ingo." She playfully shuddered. "And you. You come by sometimes."

Link looked up at her. She had a warm smile and big eyes. And she still had her fingers draped over the crevice made by her cow-patterned bra.

He stood up. "Listen, I'd better go." Thank god the rain was letting up. "There's, um... I better make sure everything's all right out there."

"That's okay. My ankle's feeling much better." Malon said. "Could you come back again tomorrow, to check on me? Just to make sure I didn't get eaten by a Poe?"

"Sure," Link nodded. There wouldn't be any harm in that.

Link opened the shed into the drizzle and left the ranch.


All night, Link thought about Malon. Her body, shiny with rain, standing in the moonlight. Her buxom chest thrust out. The brazen way she undressed in front of him and offered him her leg to massage. The way she gasped with ecstasy as he...

Zelda never gasped with ecstasy. Not like that.

Link stopped in the flowerbed before the castle moat. What did he and Zelda have anyway? What would she say their relationship was? She knew they could never be together. Did she think they were exclusive? Is that why he felt obligated to satisfy her every night?

He had to talk to her, to get this straight. Otherwise, how could he ever think about his future?

The guards at the entrance acknowledged Link's presence and allowed him through the gate. "Zelda is in the bower," they said when he asked.

Link navigated the steepled halls and staircase wings, feeling nervous for one of the few times in his life. How should he phrase his question? What was it he wanted to know? His palms grew sweaty. He could navigate an underground dungeon but he couldn't navigate a relationship.

He was so lost in his thoughts he scarcely noticed the royal servants and guards milling about, more than usual. Everyone had a look of tension on their faces and jogged from point to point in pairs. Even though he was in no danger, Link covered his sword's hilt. This seemed like a party gone wrong.

A stout man with a waistcoat tromped down the hall, his spats creating clacking echoes. Several men in elegant attire scuttled around him.

"But Baron, he is already imprisoned..." one said.

"I don't care," the leader rasped. "He did it. I know he did it. And he had the audacity to strike one of my men. I'll see that he hangs for this."

"The princess would never allow that," another assistant said, "And that won't go very far towards proving your worth in her eyes."

"Hmm, you may be right." The baron stroked his chin. "Perhaps mercy is the wiser tactic here."

The group passed by Link like he was a decorative statue. One of the wigged assistants gave him an evil eye. Their conversation continued out of earshot.

Link continued up to Zelda's tower. A pair of guards stood in front of her door, holding partisans. This also never happened. "Halt," they said.

"It's me. Link. Can I go in and see Zelda?"

They looked at each other like they had never seen him before, even though he was at the castle regularly. The one on the right knocked on the door. "Milady? Link is here. Do you wish to see him?"

"Yes, he may come in," came a muffled reply.

The guard opened the door and shouldered him in, then slammed the door shut.

Zelda stood at the window with her arms folded, a cross look on her face.

"Zelda?" Link said. "What in the world is going on?"

"Guess what? The Duke and the Baron arrived at the same time. I guess the Duke heard the Baron was coming first, so he comes calling late last night. I had to get redressed to receive him. And then he's got to stay somewhere for the night, but he's got an entire entourage. I think he brought everyone who works for him. Then he gives me this big speech about how he's so pleased to be here, how Hyrule is just as beautiful as me. He goes on for half an hour while the Baron is right there."

"Then what happened? Did they get in a fight?"

"Not exactly. The Baron woke up this morning and said some of his items were missing. And he immediately accused the Duke. Of course, he denied it. Then two of the servants from each party got into a fistfight in the middle of the throne room. I have to wait up here while they sort it out. It's a security risk."

Link shook his head. "Why do you do it? Why do you entertain these idiots?"

"Because I've got to, Link. The princess can't rule alone. I have to choose a husband and sire an heir, or the royal bloodline will die."

"But it's so stupid. You're really going to marry one of those fools? You're going to spend the rest of your life with him?"

"No, of course not. But I have to marry someone."

"And what? You're just going to pick the lesser of all the evils?"

"If I have to."

Link curled his upper lip and stood back. "Well, speaking as the holder of the Triforce of Courage, that seems pretty cowardly to me."

"Well, I'm the holder of the Triforce of Wisdom. And wisdom sometimes means being smart enough to yield."

"That doesn't sound like the Zelda who stayed hidden from a sorcerer for seven years while her kingdom was under siege."

"Link," Zelda sighed, "Enough. This is my fate. It's all our fates. We have to ascribe by it."

"So you're going to marry some big-nosed, red-cheeked poofter? While I have to sneak into the castle every night."

Zelda put her hands on her hips and turned to him, stunned. "Is that what this is about? Link, we just can't work out like that. You know it. You're a commoner."

"I saved the kingdom."

"And they can never know that. Only you and the sages can. I'm sorry, Link. I don't like it anymore than you do. But it is what it is."

"Fine. If you want to give up yourself to fate like that, go ahead. But leave me out of it."

Link stormed past the Zelda's guards and down the hall. How dare she? How dare she use her royalty as an excuse for their relationship? What was he? Some errand boy for her erotic whims?

Link headed down the carpeted stairs of the east wing. He didn't know where he was going, but he knew he wanted to get out of the castle.

"Oh, Link, is that you?"

Link turned and saw Heddy the chef bounding towards him. He looked like a marshmallow on two legs, but he was a fun guy.

"Oh, good thing I caught you. Are you heading out?" Heddy said.

"I am."

"Good. I've got an important favor to ask you. Only you can do it. Will you?"

Link raised his eyebrows. Had someone around here finally recognized him for what he could do?

Heddy held up two baskets filled with empty bottles. "We need some more milk for the banquet tonight. We're all out. We used it all on the cakes and we've got none for tomorrow. Can you go to Lon Lon Ranch to get some more?"

Heddy shoved the cases at Link, forcing him to take them. "Uh..."

"Thanks, Link, you're a life-saver. Don't know what we'd do without you."

Heddy waddled back to the kitchen, leaving Link with two baskets in his hands, growling to himself.

Not only were the baskets heavy, not only did he have to walk all the way from Hyrule Castle to the ranch with one in each hand, not only did his mind replay the argument with Zelda over and over, but the bottles clinked together constantly. With each step--clink, clink, clink. High-pitched, random. Sometimes there'd be nothing, silence. Then--clink, clink. Clink. Clink-clink.

Link was ready to throw the bottles against the wall by the time he got to the ranch's entrance, just to hear the satisfying crash of glass.

"Hello?" Link said. "Anyone here? I need some..."

The pasture was eerily silent. Horses milled about with dull looks in their enclosure. A cooling wind brushed across Link's hair.

Then he heard a clatter in the barn. Inside, Malon's head bobbed up and down behind a stable wall. She was shoveling hay and dirt off the floor into a wheelbarrow.

"Malon?" Link said.

"Oh, hi," she said breathlessly. "I'm cleaning out the stable. Putting down fresh hay."

"Are you sure you should be doing that? How is your ankle?"

"Oh, it's fine. Besides, I'm the only one here. This work's not going to get done by itself."

Talon and Ingo were both still gone. There was no one on the ranch right now except for Malon.

She emerged from behind the wall, wearing a loose-fitting blouse and matching pants that had yellowed from dirt and age. They almost looked like undergarments. Sweat covered her entire body, making her curvy contours glisten.

"Oh, sorry, I was just... uh..." Link's eyes drifted down her neckline to her breasts, easily seen through the loose opening of her top.

"Oh, sorry about my get up. I figured no one was around, I had work to do. I was almost going to go clothes-less. They get so dirty shoveling the stables."

"Uh, yeah... I, um... have some... milk." Link held up one of the baskets. "For the palace."

"Sure, you can just set those down for now. I was going to take a break." The shovel dropped and clattered to the floor. She twisted back and forth, letting her arms swing loosely. "Hey, could you do me a favor?"

"Sure," Link said. His mouth seemed dry.

Malon sat down on a nearby crate. "Could you massage my shoulders? They've been killing me since this morning. And then I had to do the shoveling..."

Link didn't know what to say, but his dedication to helping people won out. He set the two baskets down and stood behind Malon's back.

She flicked away the shoulders of her blouse. Her back bore no bra strap, and Link was sure, if he peered over her head, he could see everything.

Instead, he placed her hands on her moist shoulders.

"Sorry, kinda sweaty. Working all morning."

"I don't mind," Link said. He'd been through worse than a woman's musky scent. He pressed down and clenched. Her skin felt like rich butter.

Malon flung her head back and moaned. "Oh, that feels so good. It's been all me for the past two days on this farm."

"They- they're coming back, right?"

"Dad won't be back until tomorrow at least. And Ingo will show up about fifteen minutes before he does. Pretend he's been here the whole time." Malon rolled her head around. "Let's not talk about him. Let's talk about you."

"What do you mean?"

"I know nothing about you. You're always so quiet, observant. Like the silent hero in the stories my mom told at bed time."

"What do you want to know?"

"Well, like, what are you going to do with your life?" she smiled. "What do you even do now?"

"Officially, my job is to keep Hyrule safe. To seek out threats & dangers and eliminate them. If I can."

"What are you going to do in the future?"

"I don't know. I never thought about it." No one ever asked him these kinds of questions. "I suppose I can't keep doing this forever. There hasn't been a real threat or a danger to Hyrule for years now." Sometimes he thought of leaving Hyrule altogether, but would never tell anyone that.

"What if you find someone special in your life? Are you ever going to settle down?"

"Oh, I don't know." Malon's dusky scent kept distracting him, like wet earth.

"Do you have anyone like that in your life now?"

Link hesitated. "No one that I can settle down with."

"Me neither. I guess we're a lot alike, you and I."

Link kneaded his muscular fingers into her soft tissue. "How do you mean?"

"Well, I don't know. We're both isolated, I guess. Me, I'm a farm girl. I like to sing. I like to ride horses. All the other girls I talk to in Kakariko or Castle Town are just housewives or maids. I'm not afraid to get dirty."

"No, I see that."

"I mean, look at me, right?" Malon stood up. "True, I'm not wearing the greatest thing here, but I'm still beautiful, right?"

"Yes, you're very beautiful." Link's heart fluttered.

Malon's expression softened. "You really think I'm beautiful?"

Their eyes met. Neither of them spoke.

Link and Malon moved forward at the same time. Their lips met and they kissed. Malon ran her tongue over Link's, caressing it. She was so forceful, it felt like Malon was pulling Link's mouth into hers.

Suddenly, Malon pushed forward and knocked Link back. He collided with the stable wall, but scarcely noticed the pain. Malon kept pushing her warm body against his.

She jumped up and wrapped her legs around Link's waist, still thrusting her tongue deep into his mouth. Link easily held up her light frame and kissed her back so vigorously that his jaw started to feel sore.

He grabbed her and twisted around. The extra weight sent him stumbling back and he collapsed on the crate seat first. Malon plunged into Link's neck, sucking his skin. Link threw his head back and moaned. She moved up to his ear, nipping at it, licking at the whorls.

Link rubbed her back as she licked him. Malon leaned back and pulled her shirt over her head. Her nipples were bright red, like fire.

Link plunged his face into the skin between her breasts, smelling the acrid scent of sweat and sour milk. It smelled raw and disgusting, but in the heat of the moment, it drove him mad with desire.

"Grab my ass," Malon whispered.

"What?" Link said.

"Grab my ass." Malon took Link's hand from her back and slapped it on her butt cheek. "Oh, yeah."

Link was surprised. Not that she took the action, but that she said something during sex. Zelda never did that. She didn't even change positions. Man on top--every time.

Malon ground against his hips, undulating back and forth. Body heat radiated off her, warming Link's face. Not even his armor could hide his massive erection. Malon reached under Link's tunic and massaged his throbbing prick.

"Oh my god," Link said.

Malon slipped back and reached into his pants. Her sweat-cold hands felt electric on his member as she brought it out. She bent down. Link let out a satisfied groan as he felt his dick graze her soft lips.

All she needed was a quick lick to lube it. Then her hand was sliding up and down his shaft with finesse. How could it be this good? How could he have been missing this?

Link kneaded her ass with one hand and cupped her breast with the other. Then he remembered her words--"grab my ass"--so forceful, demanding, that he massaged her breast more enthusiastically. Both threw their heads back in ecstasy, their voices growing louder.

Malon shifted her legs and hips again awkwardly. At first, Link didn't know what she was doing. Then he felt the tip of his penis make contact with her slick little slit. Once she was on target, she plunged herself on.

Malon wrapped her arms around him. Link buried his face in her hair. Through the musk and hay, there was a scent of fresh mountain air. He felt hot breath on the nape of his neck as he pushed himself in. Her wet, velvety cushion gave way to his engorged dick and enveloped him.

Malon shifted her hips forth to meet his as she let out a satisfied, "Aaaaaahh." Malon clutched him. "Oh god. Oh god. It's too much." Malon placed her hand on her cunny, her fingers parted around his member. Her nipples hardened under Link's fingers.

"Are you okay?" Link whispered.

"Keep going," she whispered urgently. "Don't stop. Don't --- s-s-s-stop."

Malon breathed faster and faster as she rode up and down like a carousel. No--like a horse. Her legs scissored his waist. She bucked and writhed so hard that his balls slapped against her ass, sending tiny shockwaves up his spine.

"Oh, god. Oh, god. Oh, god," she chanted as her pelvis slammed down faster and faster. She pushed her chest against his, her tiny red nubs rubbing against him. The two of them crashed into each other like ocean waves. A torrent of pleasure washed over Link. Rather than resist it, he surfed along to a steady, explosive climax. The back of his mind liquefied.

"Give it to me, give it to me." Malon took Link's fingers and stuck them in her mouth. "Mmf, mmf, mmf, MMMMM."

Malon arched her back as she orgasmed. Her teeth clamped down, but Link did not cry out. He felt a splash of something warm and wet dribble down his crotch.

Malon changed from a rigid tree into a willowy reed as she dropped back down.

"Oh, oh," she swallowed. "Oh my god."

"I know," Link said, his mind still not all there.

Concerned about the wetness of his crotch, Link dabbed at his pants. His fingers came back with a clear fluid that smelled of her sex.

"Oh, I'm sorry. That doesn't usually happen," Malon said.

"That's okay."

"I mean it only happens when I have a really big..."

"It's okay. I don't mind." At this point, Malon could punch him in the face and he wouldn't mind.

"I'll get you a rag or something."

Malon swiveled her slippery labia off of Link's half-stiff dick.

He leaned back, supporting himself with his arms and looked up at the rafters. If an army of Octoroks came marching in right now, he couldn't do a thing about it.

Malon came back in with a collection of cloths and a bucket of water. "I... I don't know what came over me."

"Me too. I just felt so..."

"It was like a..."

"I've been so..."

They stammered over each other's words, trying to find a meaning in the sudden explosion that had occurred. Then they realized they couldn't find one, and looked away from each other in embarrassed silence.


They made awkward small talk afterwards, as they cleaned up. Link left the ranch with two cases of Lon Lon Milk. Only he would ever know how that milk was obtained.

The drawbridge was closed by the time Link got to the castle, so Link slept underneath a tree outside. A case of milk lay on either side of him. No matter which way he turned, he saw the white fluid in the frothy bottles. It made him think of her.

Malon was always the farm girl. She was a little flighty, a little naïve. And she was always giggling in that way she does. Link had never noticed it till now. And he hadn't noticed her fiery red hair, her supple form. Now she'd gone from small town girl to a vamp radiating sexuality. Unlike Zelda, who felt like a closed and locked chest.

What had he done? He'd totally betrayed Zelda's trust. How could he look her in the eye now? Why did he do such a thing?

Because she disregarded him. She ordered him to please her almost every night, then treated him like a casual acquaintance the next day. They had no relationship, they had a ... a thing. Link didn't know what the 'thing' was, but it wasn't a relationship. A relationship would mean they could be open about it. Not hiding and skulking.

Zelda had said over and over that she didn't want a relationship. That they couldn't have a relationship. If that was the case, she should expect something like this to happen. He had no qualms about the sex with Malon. The amazing sex.

Still, she should know. It wasn't fair to Zelda. If she didn't know what this 'thing' was any better than him, then he should set the rules for it. And she would have to agree with him.

Funny how that concluding thought came to him as the drawbridge dropped for the morning. Link picked up his milk and headed in.

The town seemed especially busy this morning. Kids frolicked and couples danced by the fountain. Merchants called out their wares from doors, windows, and rugs. Link looked just like one of them, carrying commodities from one end of town to the other. He went around the hubbub and down the path to the castle gate.

More security measures had been taken since he'd first infiltrated the grounds seven years ago. The castle wall now extended all around the hillside, making sneaking through the water gate impossible. Now he couldn't get in unless except in the dead of night. Nonetheless, the castle staff knew him and let him in whenever he asked.

Two of them stood in front of the portcullis, holding up spears.

"Morning, fellows," Link said. "Let me in?"

"You got business in the castle this morning, Link?"

Link wanted to give a snappy comeback, but thought better of it. "I've got some Lon Lon Milk, as requested."

"Right, I'll be taking that for you," said one. He plucked the two cases out of Link's hands and headed into the guardhouse.

"Aren't you going to let me in?"

"Sorry, Link," said the guard with the softer voice of the two. "Princess Zelda's entertaining suitors today."

"That's fine, but I need to talk to her."

"Didn't you hear me?" The second guard came out, the milk dropped off. "I said the princess is busy with important royal business. No visitors today."

"Did she specifically say 'no visitors today'?"

"It's the bleedin' orders from the entire castle. Ain't it obvious? Things aren't bad enough with the situation. The last thing the princess needs is some peasant muckin' up her business."

Link could decapitate both these idiots with a quick swipe, but he pushed that thought back in his mind.

"I'm no peasant. I'm Link. I..." He trailed off, unable to conclude his sentence.

No point to rattle off a list of his great deeds--defeating Ganondorf, recovering the Triforce, releasing the sages. If he called himself the Hero of Time, he'd be carted off into the woods.

"You're what?" the guard sneered.

Link remained tight-lipped.

"Yeah, that's what I thought. Go back into the woods, or wherever you come from. Quit jerking around the castle."

"What? What did you say to me?"

"Viscen, there's no need..." said the softer guard.

"There's no peasant that's allowed in the castle as much as you. You act like you got a right to be there. I don't know what Zelda's doing with you, but I'm glad I got orders to keep you out."

Link's face turned red and hot. A smarmy Lizalfos or Wizzrobe he would know how to deal with, but here, he felt like a nocked arrow that couldn't be released.

"Tell the princess to enjoy her milk."

Link turned around and stomped back down the path.

Link entered Lon Lon Ranch again for the third time in as many days.

"Malon?" he called out. "Malon, are you here?"

He walked down the space in-between the stable and farmhouse, looking in the windows for her. But she wasn't there.


As he was about to pass into the pasture, Ingo walked out and stood in his way. Link stopped in his tracks.

"Oh, it's you, boy," Ingo said. He had a rake over his shoulder and dirty white overalls on.

"Ingo?" Link said. "You're back. I mean, good to see you."

"Good to see you too. Say," Ingo leaned in close. "You're a good guy, right? I always liked you, you know. You got any Rupees I can borrow?"

"Rupees? Uh, I left my wallet at home." Link feigned reaching for his back pocket. He didn't want to give Ingo anything because he knew it would just get lost in the back alleys of Castle Town.

Ingo pulled back. "What are you trying to pull? That's a load of horse-puckey and you know it. You don't have a home. And you take everything you have with you." Ingo leaned in closer, his jagged mustache twitching. "Come on. Just a few. I don't get paid for a week, and a man's got to eat."

Ingo tightened his grip on his rake. Link backed up.

"Ingo! What are you doing?" Talon shouted.

The corpulent man with a bushy moustache and bald head trotted up. Link hadn't even seen him.

"Leave the poor kid alone. You're not asking him for Rupees, are you?"

"No, no, Talon. Absolutely not."

"Good." Talon crossed his arms. "I think there are some Cuccoos that need feeding now. And after that, clean the milk bottles and get a crate ready for Zora's Domain."

"Yes, Talon." Ingo bowed his head sheepishly.

Talon put his hands on his hips and shook his head as Ingo slouched away. "That Ingo. I don't know why I keep his lazy bones on this ranch. Malon does as much in a day as he does in three."

Link resisted the urge to recount the story of how he first found Talon outside the castle gates, fast asleep.

"Anyway," Talon clapped him on the back. "What are you doing here, Link? Is it about my Super Cuccoos? Did you talk to the king about them yet?"

"Uh, it actually hasn't come up yet," Link said. "Is Malon here?"

"Oh, yeah, she's in the house," Talon pointed. "Go say hi. I think she's lonely."

"Y-yeah," Link said. "Thanks."

Link treaded up to the door, his heart pounding. Why should he be so nervous? Talon didn't know anything about what he and Malon did. No one did. Malon wouldn't be foolish enough to say anything. Would she?

With his hand on the doorknob, Link looked back at Talon. He was settling down under a shady tree. Link shrugged and entered the house.

Malon was sweeping around the hearth in front of the staircase. She wore her usual garb of a light gingham dress, violet skirt, and yellow handkerchief around her neck.

"Link?" she smiled. "What are you doing back so soon?"

"I- I came to see you," Link said.

Malon set her broom against the stove, came up to Link and wrapped her arms around his neck. "You're coming by so much." She pecked him on the mouth. "If I didn't know better, I think you might like me or something." She giggled.

Link wanted to cringe at her laugh. Instead, he grinned. "Well, maybe I do. You were talking about having someone special in my life. Maybe that's-"

Malon placed her lips on his, licking them all around. She was more a woman of action than Link gave her credit for. He put her hands around her back and kept the kiss going.

Malon's hands draped down to Link's ass and squeezed. Link seized up.

"Mm, tight," she whispered.

Link followed suit and grabbed her ass as well. The moment was starting to take control.

Malon nibbled on his long pointed ear. "Is it me, or do you taste better every time?" She bit his neck playfully.

He released one hand and moved it to her shoulder. Then let it fall down below her neckline. Malon grabbed his hand.

"Not here," she whispered. She took his hand and led him up the wooden stairs to the bedroom.

"Are we any safer up here?"

"Safer? I just wanted a bed."

Malon pushed him onto the wooden frame. The joints creaked as soon as his shoulders hit.

"What about Talon... or Ingo?"

"Don't worry. They're working. They won't come in." She undid Link's belt and ripped it off. "I want a chance to fuck you proper."

Malon yanked Link's pants down and slid his fat member into her mouth. Link gripped the bed sheets. He glanced down as she bobbed up and down on his engorged dickhead. Then shut his eyes tight.

Malon climbed up on the bed, placing each leg on either side of Link's head. She pulled her skirt over her hips, revealing a lack of undergarments. Her bare, shapely ass raised in the air as she bent down to service him.

He laid back and closed his eyes, moaning as Malon slurped up his dick furiously. Her cunt musk drifted down to his nose, feeding his desire, his urgency to work himself into her.

"Ahem," she said. "A little help?" Malon wiggled her ass over his head.

Link smiled. He was only too happy to oblige. First, he brushed the crack of her ass, her labia, and began to work his fingers into her warm, vibrant cunt. Pussy juice oozed onto his hand as Malon made lusty moans and squeals.

Link plunged his face into her exposed pink wetness, inhaling the scent of her juices. Her smell and taste and texture wrapped around his head like a cherry fog. He started at her swollen center, and moved up to her clitoris, flicking his tongue in and out. Malon uttered a throaty growl, which translated to his prick, vibrating as she sucked.

Link had never felt anything like this before. He wanted to scream, crawl out of his body, but their position kept him grounded, like two dogs chasing each other in a circle.

Malon ground her opening against his face, bucking and riding. Link lapped at her thickened clitoris, tongue-fucking her.

Her cool, clammy thighs clapped over his ears. Malon shuddered and ejaculated on Link's face. Not more than a splash of liquid, but it worked its dusky aroma into Link's craving.

"Unh," Malon groaned. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Link wiped his mouth.

"Sorry about that." She smiled, her mouth shiny with saliva. "Let me make it up to you."

She pulled the dress over her head. She unhooked her cow-patterned bra and threw it to the floor. Her heavy breasts swung down like udders.

Malon crawled around on hands and knees and kissed him. Link tasted some of himself as she slid onto his manhood. Their genitals collided and he closed his eyes, slipping into the experience.

For some reason, in that exact moment, he thought of Zelda. He imagined she was riding him, her pussy sliding up and down his dick. If only she would do these things, he wouldn't have to...

"Turn over," Link whispered through Malon's loudening moans.

"What?" she whispered back.

"Turn over," Link said, "On your knees."

"Ooh." Malon switched to her hands and knees. "I like this," she cooed. She presented her ass and looked back at him through her legs.

Link targeted her vulva and slid himself in to the hilt. Malon shrieked with surprised delight. "Oh my god," Malon said. "You're so..."

Link grabbed her hips and thrust himself even further.

"Oh, deeper. Deeper. Deeper." She rocked back and forth on the bed. Link pushed himself in and out. His thighs trembled.

Malon stood up on her knees, pressing her back into Link's chest. She wrapped one hand around his head, pulling him closer. The other dropped down between her legs and moved at a rhythmic pace.

"Fill me," she said, "Fill me." She stroked herself at a building speed while Link continued to shove himself in and out of her slippery labia. "Fuck me. Fuck me now. Do me!"

Link could no longer hold back. He came in torrential spasms, filling her with seed. The orgasmic aftereffect lasted thirty long seconds--it was like a golden glow enveloped him.

His cock twitched as the final droplets squeezed out. He brought his weight down on Malon. The two of them collapsed on the bed. Their bodies reeked of sweat and sex. Dried spit and cum caked both their loins. The sheets were tangled in a hopeless snarl.

Link exhaled and took in a breath of clean air. It seemed that he had been holding his breath forever.

"Mm," Malon said as she adjusted herself under Link's body. "Yum."

"Wow," Link said.

"I could get used to this," Malon said.

"Yeah," Link swallowed, "Me too."

Link climbed up to Zelda's tower, grinning ear to ear. A day and a half had passed since he'd last seen Zelda, and he wanted to know what was new.

The whole suitor business didn't matter to him anymore. He was getting what he needed. In fact, this was a tidy little set-up he had going. If he needed something soft and sensuous, he could climb into Zelda's window. But if he wanted dirty and raw, he could stop by Lon Lon Ranch.

He had spent the morning bathing himself in Lake Hylia, using soaps to wash the scent of milk and sweat off his body. Then the trek back to Hyrule Castle took him well into the dead of night. Slipping past the guards was a breeze this time. They were fewer in number and less vigilant tonight. Their visitors had tired them out.

Zelda was sitting at her vanity in her nightgown, brushing her hair. She had a faraway look in her eyes.

"Princess." He made a rolling bow.

"Link?" She turned around. "I... I wasn't expecting to see you."

"Should I go?"

"No, no. I'm glad. I feel like it's been a long time. We had that fight-"

"Pfft." Link waved his hand. "Don't worry about it."

She hugged Link, nestling her head under his chin. Her hair smelled of honey and fruit.

"Well, they're gone now. We have the palace to ourselves. Those guys were so obnoxious. The Baron kept reminding me of a toad."

"Yeah, I met him in the hall before. Didn't seem like suitor material."

"Neither of them did. They just wanted to augment their power." Zelda reached up and gave him a kiss. "You smell good."

"All for you." He produced a rose from his pouch.

Zelda grinned with delight. She sniffed it, then placed it on her nightstand. "Come."

Link had a sly smile on his face as she led him by hand to the bed. They slipped under the sheets. Zelda purred ecstatically as Link snuggled up to her in a lover's caress. Her hand slipped down to his growing hardness. Link ran her hands down the satin smoothness of her skin.

When he entered her, she clamped her arms tightly around him and pulled him down on top of her. He intimated himself into her in a series of sleek waves. The strokes and rhythms crashed against his mind.

She let out a quiet shriek when she came, and Link let himself go inside her shortly after. Their sex had been quiet and smooth. It was a nice touch after having such vigorous encounters earlier.

Link's sleep was dreamless. He woke up before sunrise, just in time to leave before any courtiers barged in. Zelda stirred as he kissed her pointed ear.

"Mm," she said. "Going?"

"Yes, it's almost sunrise. Don't want to be caught."

"Link, wait." She held out her hand to him. "I'm pregnant."


"What?" Link said. "You?"

Zelda turned around in bed. "Mm-hm," she said with a serious countenance.

"Just now?"

"No," she smiled. "I think it happened a while ago."

Link backed out of bed, wearing only his pants. "You... you can't be pregnant."

Zelda sat up. "Haven't you noticed I haven't had my monthlies?"

"No, of course not. I never notice that thing," Link shouted. "Why didn't you tell me before?"

Zelda shrugged. "You came in, and you were so happy and enthusiastic. I didn't want to ruin it. I totally forgot to tell you."

He felt that Zelda was expecting him to say something more, but his mind was blank. "Is... is it mine?"

Zelda stifled a giggle. "Of course it is. I wouldn't cheat on you."

"No. No, of course not." Link looked at his foot. "So... what does this mean?"

Zelda sighed. "It means I'll have to choose a suitor in at least two weeks."

"Two weeks?"

"The less time, the better. The wedding has to be in at least a month. Any later, and people will get suspicious of the baby's birthdate."

"They won't get suspicious that you've been rejecting suitors all this time, and you suddenly pick one now?"

"Better that than the alternative. I have to play the virginal queen. The model of upstanding behavior. If they find out otherwise, it would devastate the peace."

"Yeah, I suppose," Link said. He felt ten years old again. Meanwhile, Zelda was handling this with all the poise and composure that a queen--that a holder of the Triforce of Wisdom--would. "So I guess, once you get married, this whole thing is over."

"I'm afraid so," Zelda said. "But you knew that."

"I did?"

"You knew this was coming, didn't you? You knew this would happen eventually. How long did you expect this relationship to continue?"

"I... I don't know. I guess I didn't think about it."

"Hey, I don't like it anymore than you. But it is what it is and we've got to deal with this the best way we can."

Link had always thought his destiny with Zelda was intertwined, but not like this.

"So what do we do now?"

"I don't know. I guess we use the little time we have left. What do you want to do?"

Link rolled off of Malon, his dick making a wet slurch as he slid out of her sweaty cunt.

"By the goddesses," Malon said, "You are spectacular."

"Yeah," Link said, then regretted it. It made him sound full of himself, which was the exact opposite of how he felt.

"Oh, I can barely even feel the lower half of my body."

"Sorry," Link said.

"No, no, that's a good thing." She turned on her side towards him and traced designs over his bare chest. Link stared up at the ceiling.

He wanted her to say something like, "you seem lost" or "you look like you're thinking about something", or "is there something on your mind?" Not that he would have confessed the truth, but the gesture would have been nice. Zelda always asked questions like that.

"What, uh... what is this thing?" Link asked. "That we have?"

"What? Oh, I don't know." She rested her head on the crook of her elbow. "Why do we have to name it?"

"I guess... there's no reason."

"Why? You're not thinking of stopping are you?"

"No, no, I'm just a little confused. In life."

Link hoped that would open the door for more conversation. Instead, Malon said, "Whenever you leave, I'm always wondering when you're coming back. I get a little more addicted to you every time."

Link didn't know what to say to that. To be honest, it creeped him out a little.

"You know, sometimes at night, it gets lonely, and I start to touch myself."

Link felt a tingling in his loins as he thought of Malon lying in her bed, in the dark. A sick feeling suddenly overcame him.

"Listen, I have to go. There's a patch of skulltulas that's overgrowing in the Lost Woods I promised I'd take care of."

"Eugh," she shuddered. "You go ahead and do that."

Link smiled. "You sure you don't want to come with?"

"No, thank you. I may have no problem shoveling piles of cow dung, but I still can't take all those crawly legs."

He approached a nearby washtub and sponged off the top of his body.

"I should get dressed too. I've got work to do. You'll be back soon?"

"Sometime," Link said.

"Okay, not too long. Don't make a girl wait. Mm, especially for this." She rolled back along the covers, arms aloft, in ecstasy.

Link adjusted his belt and snuck down the stairs and left. All was quiet on the ranch. No one was in sight to have heard their shouts. Again, a perfect crime.

He walked out towards the ranch's entryway. Talon was hitching two carthorses up to a covered wagon. The back was filled with cages of clucking, flapping Cuccoos.

He saw Link before Link saw him. "Link!" He extended a beefy, hairy arm to him. "I had no idea you were here."

"Oh, uh, yeah," Link said. They shook hands.

"Well, dadgum. Where are you headed off to?"

Link stared at the back of his cart, trying to think of a location far away from him. "Cuc- Cuc- Kakariko Village."

"Great!" he said. "Same place these Cuccoos are going. Why don't you hop on? I'll give you a ride."

"Oh, well, actually, I'm going to stop by Zora's Domain first."

Talon threw back his head and laughed. "You know Zora River crosses the path to Kakariko from here." He clapped Link on the back. "Come on, join me. I'd be glad for the company."

"Sure. That'd be great." They both climbed onto the bench.

Talon picked up the reins and set them moving with a gruff "Yaah!" The horses strained at the cart, then started at a slow pace. Link's skin itched--he felt extremely uncomfortable sitting next to the father of the girl who had just sat on his face.

"Milk?" Talon offered Link a glass. "Fresh off the cow."

Link took the glass. He gasped after a long glug. "It's good."

"I always bring a cup or two. Makes the ride go faster." He looked up at the sky. "Ah, it's a good day today, isn't it? Nice and sunny."

"Yes. Sunny," Link said. He breathed out. There was no reason he couldn't talk to Talon. Link was friends with everyone in Hyrule.

"Couple more days like this, the grass will be just right for the cows. Nice and rich in nutrients."

"Yeah, that rain did good," Link said, easing into his seat. "Cows are gonna produce a lot of milk."

"Yep, here's hoping. Malon's going to have a lot of work on her hands. We all are."

"Yes, I suppose."

"It makes my heart glad to know that she'll be marrying a guy like you."

Link spit out his milk. "Wh- what?"

"What, you think I haven't known about you two? You know, you might be good at sneaking around, but Malon--I know my own daughter. I tell you, I really couldn't be prouder."

"I- I didn't-"

"I've always wanted her to marry a guy like you. And who's more of a guy like you than you?" He laughed. "The ranch needs more people like you. Strong. Trustworthy."

"I- I'm not- we're not getting married."

"What?" Talon almost dropped his reins.

"I mean, I never intended to marry her. Is that what she told you?"

"No, but I mean- I thought- under my own roof... You've been 'courting' her, haven't you?"

"I guess. If you mean what I think you mean." If Link jumped off the cart now, the wheels would crush him. Not a bad proposition at this point. "But I- we weren't even thinking about that sort of thing."

"Then what in tarnation were you thinking about?"

Link looked away.

"Oh," Talon grumbled. "That is... I see. That's what this is about."

Link tensed, preparing to be punched. But Talon continued to stare out into the field. He didn't look prone to violence.

"Seems to me," he said after a long pause. "That's not very noble of a young man. Back in my day, if we went a-courting, we used letters, songs, took 'em out to the dances. I mean, I know times are changing--I can't remember the last time I saw a poster for a town social--but... it's not respectful of a young woman's morals." Talon bit on these last words.

"It's still respectful," Link said. "It's just... different."

"But you've got no intentions toward her. You're just..." Talon swallowed. "I never thought a boy like you. I thought you were better than that."

"What... are you going to do anything about it?" Link couldn't think of a better way to phrase the question.

Talon shook his head. "I'm her father, not her prison guard. She's old enough now. She can make her own decisions. I sowed some wild oats in my day. Not like this, mind you. I guess the times are a-changin' indeed."

Link wanted to protest, but couldn't think of anything to say. First Zelda, now this. He thanked the goddesses when the cart pulled up to the bridge over Zora River.

"But I wish you'd reconsider. This is no life for you. You need to settle down. Find out where you want to go in life. You can't keep wandering all over Hyrule forever."

"No. I guess not."

Talon slowed the horses to a stop just before the bridge. "Think about it, kiddo. Decisions you make now will affect you the rest of your life."

With another "Yaah!" he set the horses moving again, leaving Link alone at the bridge. He glanced between Hyrule Castle, looming in the foggy distance, and Lon Lon Ranch across the way.

Link pulled out the ocarina and played a six note etude. A sparkling mist surrounded him, and Link disappeared. The mist sailed off into the sky.


When Nabooru entered the Desert Colossus, the only colors she was expecting were brown, red, and black--the colors of desert stone. So when she saw the splotch of green next to the stairs, it immediately caught her eye.

"Hello, Link," she said. "Didn't expect to see you here."

He kicked his feet on the wall. "I'm hiding," he said.

"Hiding? That doesn't seem becoming of the holder of the Triforce of Courage." Link kept silent. "What are you hiding from?"

"The world."

"Mm, I don't think you're quite there yet."

"It's close enough. It's the most isolated place in Hyrule. I think only you and I and a few magicians can get here easily."

Nabooru walked up to the center of the shrine, made obeisance to it, then stood behind Link. "The Link I know wouldn't hide from any monster or sorcerer, so it's got to be something else. Something he's not used to handling. A woman, maybe?"

"Maybe a few."

"A few? My god, you are grown up, aren't you? When I first met you, you could fit through that little crawlspace," she pointed to one of the far walls. "Who is it?"

"Zelda. She's... I made her pregnant."

"Indeed. You think this is a problem?"

Link was stunned. He expected Nabooru to at least pause in surprise. "What do you mean 'is it a problem'? How can you be so unconcerned?"

Nabooru tilted her head. "Truth be told, I kinda already knew."

"You knew? How?"

"We Gerudo may be isolated, but we always have our ears to the sand."

Link scoffed. "I bet you don't know that now she's going to have to marry someone right away."

"I do, actually. It's the way of your royalty. I still don't know why this is a problem."

"It's a problem because I've also been seeing someone else on the side. Intimately."

"Intimately? I see." Nabooru crossed her arms and nodded.

"Her name's Malon. She's a Hylian."

"Malon... is that the daughter of the ranch-man? Yes, he's talked about her."

"Yeah, so... I don't know what to do."

Nabooru stretched and took a seat by Link. "You know, I've seen a lot of men cheat on their wives and girlfriends. And it's quite easy, if I may say, to lure Hylian men. Our aggressiveness, our fiery temperament, our exotic looks. But you have to know the right targets."

"I figured. There's only one male born every one hundred years, according to the myths about the Gerudo."

"Myths hide truths. Except for that one, for the most part."

"You know, I'm not looking for advice."

"You're getting some anyway." Nabooru cleared her throat. "Men cheat because they can, because they're led by their base urges to breed. It's instinctual for a man to want to spread his seed as far as he can. The ones who are dissatisfied by their relationships are the easiest prey. They're not getting something that they want. And usually what they want is variety."

"That makes sense," Link said. "With Zelda, I felt like every day was the same. I mean, it wasn't that it was boring, it's that... she was. She never wanted anything new. But Malon. Man, that girl is insane. All she wanted to do was fuck. With Zelda, it was like making love. But I guess you don't really know about that."

"Not so much, no. We only mate with men when we want to breed. For other carnal pleasures we turn to each other."

"Each other? You mean..."

"What? Do you expect us to remain chaste because we only have one man every one hundred years?"

To be honest, Link thought that exact thing. They spent so much time perfecting their warrior skills, he didn't even know when they slept. "But that means you..."

"Only a woman knows what is truly pleasurable for herself. We don't worry about labels like 'orientation' as you Hylians do. We are all women, we are all sisters. And we have needs, desires. Each of the ranking members has a harem."

"A harem?" Link looked up. "Of women?"

"Of course. As chief, I have the largest--thirteen women. They are not slaves, of course, but they come at my call. And at the eve of the equinox we engage in a sacred rite where we consume dried husks of the Leever and engage in a ritual orgy in the moonlight."

"A ritual orgy?" Link was tongue-tied. "How can no one know about this?"

"The Gerudo keep our secrets. Unlike you others, we learned, through many generations, to keep our lips tight and our mysteries hidden. Whereas you can't seem to contain your tongues in your mouths for a fly's breath."

Link should have been offended, but instead he laughed. It felt good.

"I only tell you because you are a trusted friend. And I should warn you," Nabooru continued, "Eventually this secret of yours will open to the sun as well. They always do. I can count on one hand the number of men whose consorts with a Gerudo woman were never exposed. Sometimes it kills the relationship, sometimes it doesn't."

"I just... I just didn't know where my loyalties lied. I felt like Zelda was using me, like I was convenient. And Malon was just so... there. So wanted me. But she was even worse."

"Maybe Zelda wanted you, not for your body, but for your soul. She just couldn't encompass it."

"Maybe. I keep thinking about Termina. Remember, I told you about that."

"The moon and the mask. Yes."

"The same three days, over and over. It always rained on the second day. Always. Even in the desert." Link sighed. "I keep thinking about it. I've been thinking about it for the past six years. I can't get it out of my head. All the mistakes I made. All the people dying in front of me, again and again. And I'm still not sure if it was real, if I stepped into some alternate world, or if it was all a dream... or a nightmare."

"Or some combination, thereof," Nabooru added. "I've always believed you about Termina, although no one I know has ever heard of this place."

"Neither has anyone else. I think now I've convinced myself that it was a dream. It couldn't be a coincidence that everyone resembled the people I knew in Hyrule. Or maybe it's just been so long that I can't remember anymore."

"I doubt it was a dream. The details were too incredible."

"My point is even though everything was so screwed up, I could always go back and change it, as long as I held the ocarina. I think that messed me up. Now I think I can go do anything without consequences. But clearly that's not true."

"A lesson well-learned."

"I never should have started this thing with Malon. Or Zelda. And now I'm so screwed. Talon thinks I'm going to marry her. I have no idea if Malon thinks the same thing or what. And Zelda's pregnant. With my child. And the world can't ever know. And someone who's more concerned with taxes and agriculture, who doesn't really love her, will be his father."

"But you love Zelda."

"What? Why would you think that?"

"You just said as much."

Link realized that he did. "I... I don't know."

Nabooru looked up at the ceiling into the archway out into the desert. "You know, the Gerudo have our myths about Hyrule too. That there is someone destined to be the Hero of Legend. He takes different titles, but he is always defined by his courage. And his destiny is intertwined with the maiden of wisdom and the sorcerer of power."

"I think I heard this legend," Link said. "I think I lived it."

"You did. At least as goes my theory. Here's the part that doesn't reach your pointed Hylian ears. After the sorcerer is defeated, the hero and maiden live on without the aid of the goddesses to guide them. Left to their own devices, their fate is a tragically romantic one--a love that can never be. And in this forbidden love, a child is born between the two. That child has his or her own children. And their own children, whose descendants eventually become the either the next hero or the next maiden--fortune depending."

"That's a sad tale. Is that the kind of bedtime story you tell Gerudo children?"

"Oh, no," Nabooru smiled showing white teeth against her tan skin. "Our bedtime stories are much better."

Was this going to be his last time on Lon Lon Ranch? What was Malon going to say? Would she kick him out? She was an aggressive girl, and losing her boy toy might not provoke the best reaction.

He hadn't even decided what to say to her. Was he going to tell her it was over? Was he going to confess everything and see what she wanted to do from there? Part of him didn't want to give up such a good thing, but that was just his little sword talking. He didn't want to live a double life.

He really should have gone to the castle to fix things up with Zelda first. She deserved to know the most. But the ranch was closer, and he wanted to get it over with. Besides, if he told Malon first, he might be able to avoid exposing anything to Zelda.

Of course, he couldn't just walk into Lon Lon Ranch. Not anymore. Not with Talon knowing, watching him. He latched his hookshot onto a tiny corner of house and launched to the stable roof. Keeping low, he crept out onto the shingles. He could see the entire pasture from here, and not a human soul in sight.

He grappled across the walkway to the barn. No one inside the open stable, but he heard some strange creaking in the hayloft. The ladder was retracted, which seemed unusual. He grappled up there.

At the far end of the hayloft, just short of the window bathing sunlight in one square, he saw a bathtub. Malon was sitting in it, only her toweled head exposed. But she wasn't laying in water. It was white and thick--milk?

Link tiptoed toward her. Several discarded bottles and buckets lay around her.

She stirred. Link dashed behind a pillar. Did she see him?

"Mmm," Malon groaned. Link peeked out from behind the pillar. She rubbed the milk on her arms, lifted her supple leg into the air and dribbled white froth on it.

Malon placed her hand down into the milk. The thick milk began to undulate with the pace of her arm, back and forth, back and forth.

A familiar tingling spread from one side of the his ballsack to the other. Did she know he was there? Was she doing this because he was there? Or because she thought he wasn't?

Link never found out because, as he subconsciously leaned forward, the board beneath him creaked.

Unstartled, Malon looked back. "Link? I didn't see you there. How'd you find this place?"

"I... I'm sorry, I saw the ladder was up and I thought that was weird, so I-"

"It's all right. Come forward, silly boy. It's not like this is anything you haven't seen before."

Link walked in front of her. "Is this milk?"

She nodded. " Every once in a while I take a milk bath. It's old Lon Lon Milk, stuff we can't sell because it's close to expiring. I take it and dump it in a bath. It does wonders for the skin." She spread out her limbs. "I don't think anyone knows about this place, so I can be private here."

The rich, sweet scent drew Link closer.

"You can join me, if you like." Malon said.

Link divided into two minds. On one hand, this totally contradicted his reason for coming here.

On the other hand, it wouldn't change anything. Just one last hurrah. And besides, he would never be able to do anything like this once he was back with Zelda. When was he going to get to have sex in a bath of milk again?

As Link undressed, he wondered why he was even bothering to fix things with Zelda. It wouldn't be long before their relationship ended too.

Link dipped his foot in, expecting the milk to be ice cold. "Oh, it's warm."

"I boiled the milk before. That way I can stay in a long time. It takes a while to do, but it's so worth it."

Link submerged all the way in and rested against the cool porcelain. "Hah, this is... weird."

"It feels good, doesn't it?"

"Yeah, it kinda does." Link settled into the mixture. They sat end to end, only their heads visible in the white water.

Malon propped her naked feet against Link's hips. Link pressed against the soft sides of her body, making her giggle. They played footsie, tickling each other with their toes. Then Malon turned around and laid against Link's chest.

Malon rubbed her lubricated ass crack against Link's crotch. The slippery skin-on-skin made Link's dick stiff as a rock in no time. Link clutched her breasts and rubbed them round and round, giving them an abrupt pinch every now and again. She shivered against his pecs, stroking his legs at the same time.

One of Link's hands dropped from her breasts, down her flat stomach, past her pubis and into her fleshy mound. He poled his fingers in and out of her juicy cunt. Soon he couldn't tell where the milk started and the cream began.

Malon shuddered as an orgasm overtook her body. But she thrust her hips forward, forcing Link out. Malon's ass crack held his throbbing dick down.

She reached over the side of the tub and picked up a baton made out of lacquered wood.

"What is that?" Link asked.

"It's a little toy. For myself."

Malon held it up. It gleamed in the sunlight like a sword. The wood was sanded and polished so smooth it had to feel like silk. Malon brought it into the bath. What she did from there, Link couldn't see, but he could guess by the movement of her arms and moans of pleasure while she grinded back and forth.

"Touch me," she said. "Make me feel good."

Link's hands found their way to her breasts again. He massaged them, while she bounced up and down on that object. Her hips bucked back and forth. Link's erection pressed against Malon's taint so hard he thought he was going to flip her over.

"Put it in," Malon said.

"What?" Link said. He wasn't sure where to put it into. Surely there wasn't room for him with that big baton thrusting in and out.

"Put it in," she said more urgently. "Please. I wanna come with you inside me."

Link bucked his hips forward. His penis slid and out of her ass crack, searching for purchase. The tip of his head caught on something fleshy. Link shoved further in. It felt like a fist had clenched around penis.

Malon shrieked in surprise, like she had been stung. Link started to pull back out when she said, "Oh my god, yes. That's so good. Don't stop."

Link wasn't sure what he was fucking, but he kept going. He could feel Malon pulling her little toy in and out at a faster rate.

"You're filling me. You're filling me. Oh... my... god... it's... never... been... this... good," she said with each ripple. Malon squeezed her buttocks together. With his heart pounding, Link thrust forward, almost lifting her out of the bath. His hot spunk drooled over his penis.


Malon slid off and rested on hands and knees in the bath, breathing heavily.

"Oh yeah... that's the stuff," she said as if she'd just eaten a tasty dinner.

Link's guilt sank to its deepest point. It felt like he was holding a boulder with no power bracelet. But all he did was watch her catch her breath.

"This milk's starting to get cold," Link said. It was still tolerably warm.

"Mmm... we should get out," Malon said, taking out her plaything. "Stay in here too long, it starts to stink."

Link imagined the sickly, sour smell of old milk. They both got out, dripping with the stuff. Malon walked over to a pump, pushed the lever a few times. A shower of water sprinkled out and rinsed her naked body.

"You set this up too?" Link asked.

"Of course." Malon offered him the space to get clean. "A milk bath is great for the skin, but not so great for the nose. If you know what I mean."

Link scrubbed himself clean of the past fifteen minutes. He'd forgotten what he even came in for. They retrieved their clothes, dressed again, and let down the ladder.

Malon climbed down first and waited for Link. They both walked out of the barn together. "So where did you get that toy?" Link asked. "Unless you know carpentry."

Malon laughed. "I had the woodsmith make it customized. I told him what I wanted, how it had to be, and he made it. He didn't ask what it was for, and I didn't tell him." Malon put a hand around his hip as they crossed the barn floor. "Maybe next time you can use it on me."

"Yeah. Maybe."


There was a sudden crack behind them, somewhere in the barn. Link and Malon turned around.

"What was that?" Malon said. "Was someone watching us?"

Link's hand hovered over his sword. He treaded back into the barn, eyes turned to the ceiling. It had sounded like a misstep, like someone was up there.

There was another creak. He pulled his sword a little way out of its scabbard.

A Cuccoo fell down from the hayloft. It squawked as it fell, feathers trailing after it. Link followed it down, where it landed and began pecking in the wooden slats.

Malon sighed. Link smiled and replaced his sword. "Just a squatter." He turned around. "Those Cuccoos are everywhere. Your dad can't-"

They stopped in their tracks. Malon gasped.

Sheik was standing outside the barn entrance.

"Oh shit," Link said. He held his breath.

Under her white headwrap and collar, all he could see was her eyes. Even now, they remained a mystery. No tears, no hate, no fear, none of the emotions Link expected to see. Just a stoic red glare.

She dashed to the side of the barn, out of view. Link chased after her. "Wait, no..."

Outside, there was only silent prairie.

Malon ran after Link. "Who was that?"

"Sheik... she's... someone I know."

"Who is she?" She looked around. "Where'd she go? She just disappeared."

"She's a Sheikah. She can do that." Link dropped his hands and sighed. The memory of her eyes, drilling and cheerless, burned in his head. " I never thought she'd... I didn't want her to find out like this." He turned back towards the barn. "I-"

A blue and white figure fell from the roof. Feet slammed Link in the chest. He went down, banging his head against the hard dirt. His teeth clacked together.

Link instantly rolled away and back up to his feet. Sheik stood a yard away, straight as a rod.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't want you to find out this way."

She leaped forward, faster than Link could react, and punched Link across the jaw.

Link reeled back. He gingerly touched his chin. "I deserved that. I was going to tell- whoa!"

Sheik's foot came around in a roundhouse kick. Link dodged just in time, but the surprise sent him on his back again. Sheik jumped on Link and straddled him. She pummeled him in the face, in the body, as Link held up his hands to defend.

Link bucked her off of him. "Stop this. I did some bad things, but I don't deserve to get beaten to death. And you said this thing had to end soon anyway."

She jumped forward with a two air kicks. Link blocked them both with his arms and stumbled backwards.

She didn't want to talk, she wanted to fight. But what was he supposed to do? He couldn't raise his sword against her--not just because of who she was, but because she was unarmed.

"Stop! I don't want to hurt you."

Sheik grunted and launched herself forward with both arms raised. Link dodged out of the way as she slammed down with a hammer strike. Clearly, she did want to hurt him.

Link scowled at her and undid his belt. "Fine. You want to do this? Let's do this." He dropped the scabbard in the grass and held up his fists. When was the last time he'd practiced hand-to-hand combat? He'd had a sword glued to his hand all his life.

Sheik spun around. Link expected a kick to his ribs and lowered his arms accordingly. But Sheik delivered a backfist across his face. Cheek stinging, Link ran forward, fists raised. Sheik nimbly dodged his blows, darting her head left and right. She dropped to the ground and swept Link's feet out from under him.

She stood over him, hands on her hips, daring him to get up.

"Damn you. Is this what you want? Is this making you feel better?" Link rolled out of the way and bashed Sheik in her stomach. After that move he had no qualms about hurting her.

Sheik doubled over. Link balled one fist into the other and smacked her across the chin. She flew back. Link screamed and launched forward with a clumsy kick. Sheik stepped aside and let him pass. Link turned and swung a fist, but Sheik locked his arms. They grappled shoulder to shoulder, trying to pull the other into the dirt.

Link gritted his teeth. "What are you doing? What is this going to accomplish?"

Sheik threw him to the dirt and stood over him. Her voice sounded gravelly, like a desert wind. "You will know my pain."

Sheik raised her leg high in the air--her foot brushed against the hair jutting out of her mask--and brought it down. Link cringed as he prepared for the painful blow to his crotch.

"Errragh!" Malon jumped on Sheik's back, wrapping her arms around her neck.

Sheik staggered back. She held onto Malon's gripping arms, but couldn't pry her off.

"You get off him, you bitch." Malon wriggled back and forth, like she was trying to rip Sheik's head off.

"Malon, no!" Link held out his hand to her.

Sheik shook like a wet dog. In Malon's effort to stay on, she started grabbing for any part of Sheik's head. But Malon fell off just the same.

She flipped forward and landed on her butt in the dirt next to Link. "Ow." She was holding a piece of white cloth. The mask had come off in her hands. Malon looked at it, then back at their attacker.

Her honey-colored hair billowed in the wind across her steely green eyes and pert mouth. She stared down at the two of them with fierce, reserved hatred.

"The p-princess? Princess Zelda?" Malon said. She cupped her hands over her mouth. "I- I didn't know you were the... oh my god, I just attacked the..."

"It's all right," Link said.

"But she was hitting you." She turned back to Zelda. "You were hitting Link. And he hit you back..."

"She's angry," Link said.

"Angry? Why? Because she saw us together? Why would she... Are you and her... you're a... you're...? I mean..."

Link nodded.

"Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god." She put her hands over her eyes. "I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to be executed. They're going to behead me."

"Stop," Zelda said. "I'm not going to behead you. I don't blame you..." She glared at Link. "...for this."

Link stood up. He opened his mouth to speak.

"Don't." Zelda up her hand. "I don't want to hear it. Not right now." She turned and walked off.

Malon whispered to Link, "Princess Zelda is a Sheikah?"

"Not exactly. It's complicated."

"Does she disguise herself? Oh, so she can mingle with the commoners? Do you know her? On that... level? Is this something she's been doing for a long time?"

"Malon, I think it would be best if we stopped seeing each other."

Malon shut her mouth. "I..." She looked toward the horizon. In only one look away, Princess Zelda had disappeared. "Maybe... maybe that's a good idea. If you ever want to-"

"No. I don't." Link walked away towards the ranch's door.

When the door to her bedchamber shut with a solid wooden bang, she finally sighed. She wouldn't cry. She didn't feel like crying, for some reason. Maybe the stuff that was worth crying about was too sad to cry for. She felt tired, exhausted. But that came from having to put up such a front these days.

Zelda walked up to her vanity, wondering if maybe she should have the royal mages make up a potion for her. It would help deaden these feelings.

"How did you know?"

Zelda whipped around. Link emerged from behind her bed curtain. She knew she had to be losing it--her Sheikah training had taught her to detect the smell of shadows.

"How long have you been here?"

"A while. Waiting. How did you know about..."

"Two reasons," Zelda held up her fingers. "One, you smelled different. You bathed."

"I always bathe," Link said indignantly.

"Not like this. You usually have a 'wipe-off-the-dirt' bath. This time you used soaps, perfumes. You made yourself presentable. You made yourself attractive."

Link sighed.

"Two--and this was the bigger reason--you were happy."

Link glared at Zelda, unable to find the words.

"It was such a personality shift, I couldn't help but notice. You acted like you were satisfied, fulfilled. You haven't acted that way around me in months."

Link's eyes sank to the floor. "Well, can you blame me? Everything just got so... scripted. It was like a play."

"Oh, is that what you wanted? You wanted some variety? Here, we can do that now." Zelda approached him. "You want to have a milk bath with me? You want to use some toys on me?"

"No, it's not that."

"Where do you want to put it? In my mouth? Between my tits? In the back, maybe?" Zelda turned around and wiggled her ass at him.

"Would you listen to me for once?" Link shouted.

Zelda turned around.

"I wanted to come here right away after you left. I wanted to explain why I did what I did. But even I didn't know. I had to figure it out for myself first."

He took a deep breath and continued. "I've never had a sense of commitment. Not really. I grew up with the Kokiri, and they're all kids. They flit from one thing to another. That's the way I was raised.

"I never told you this, but when I was on my quest to release the sages, I was all over the place. I was playing games in the market, looking for golden skulltulas. I got involved in this weird back-and-forth of trading eye drops and masks. I... I could have been faster. I tried to justify it by saying that I could travel through time--I had all the time in the world."

"But then I sent you back, and it didn't even matter," Zelda said.

Link nodded. "Then I went to Termina. And I did the same thing. But this time, I was helping people fix their lives. Heh, I even had a little notebook to help me keep track. But I lost sight of that, I guess, when I got older. Maybe it's because people keep treating me like they did when I was ten. Or hiding their true feelings."

"Link, I'm not sure what you're trying to say."

"Like I said, not too good at focusing. What I'm saying is, Malon gave me what I wanted, or what I thought I wanted. I was looking for that spark, but that's all she wanted--spark. All the time, and nothing else. I was waiting for you to love me. And I got tired of waiting."

"Oh, Link, I do love you. I've always loved you, from the first day you came into the garden."

Link perked up. "Really?"

"I guess I had trouble showing it because I wanted to keep my distance from you. I knew it could never work between us. Not for the long-term. But I didn't want it to end. I guess, by the end, I was luring you in with sex. And even that wasn't special anymore."

"That might have been part of it."

"Do you know how thrilled I was when I realized I was carrying your baby?"

"But you have to... I mean that's kind of ended our relationship."

"Yes, it's true. I will have to get married soon so no one finds out. But really, how often do you expect the king to be here? He's the liaison of Hyrule. Traditionally, he is the one to meet foreign emissaries, commence trade negotiations, survey the land. And the queen stays at the palace, keeping the home front safe."

"Ah, I see," Link said, smiling.

"Link, there's nothing that could tear me away from you. We're always going to be together." She wrapped her arms around Link's neck. "I actually understand why you did what you did."

"I did break it off with Malon. I'm not going to see her again. Ever."

"Good," she said. "But, uh... if there was anything that... you know... you learned from her... that maybe you'd like to do?"

Link grinned. "First, let's talk about bras."



To be honest, my goal with this was to, essentially, write a porno. I don't know why I wanted to do that, but I thought it might be a fun experiment that I could learn from. I like pornography. I watch it frequently (look, let's not split hairs here--I'm a sexual person and, like most men, I need release every once in a while). Some porns have plot. Most don't. And look, I'll get published any way I can. Also, I wanted to figure out why do peopel write sex scenes into books, when they always seem out of place and totally turn around the reader effect. I had started a forum topic on SFFWorld with this question and got a lot of interesting answers.

Anyway, back to topic, I didn't set out to make this a dramatic piece. I did it more to write hot sex scenes. I could have written sex scenes with every female character in the game--Saria, Nabooru, Ruto. And each would have been interesting in their own way, but would not have been essential to the plot. It would have made good pornography (fish sex, older woman sex, near pedophile sex), but it would have sacrificed the story. And as everyone knows, a writer's first duty is to the story.

So what did I learn from this? Well, I'm not sure. One person said my sex scenes were flat and tasteless, devoid of personal effect and emotion. Another said they really liked them. They were hot (I thought they were hot too). The truth is, I really doubt I will insert a sex scene into any of my books in the future. I just can't imagine a time when it would be necessary to write one.

I'd like to thank my inspiration for this: Deus Ex Jenova - a top-notch FFVII fan fic, American Gods by Neil Gaiman, and Makers by Cory Doctorow. You guys provided me some inspiration to try this for myself and you gave me some great material to steal from work with.

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