Poker Night 2

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GLaDOS: Good evening. This completes the first test of the contestants' poker faces. Bad news is you all failed miserably. The good news is you appear to be evenly matched. (Departs)

GLaDOS: The player has been eliminated due to lack of funds. And intelligence.

Sam: Hey, I won again. I wonder what that means?
Max: Means you're on a roll baby! Bet everything!

Ash: You're killing me here, GLaDOS.
GLaDOS: If I were actually killing you, there would be a lot more screaming. And irony.

GLaDOS: It's a mathematical certainty that 80% of you are going to lose tonight. And 100% of you will eventually die. (Beat) Math is fun, don't you think?

GLaDOS: (ring) Excuse me. I have to take this. Something or someone appears to be exploding back at the lab. (powers down)
Sam: You know, I've met a lot of robots, but I don't think I've come across one with trans-dimensional cell phone coverage.
Brock: Yeah, well, that's the least of robot girl secrets.
Claptrap: We're not talking "Crying Game" secrets, are we?
Brock: Not even close. The way I hear it, when GLaDOS was plugged in, she went cuckoo bananas and wiped out the scientists that created her.
Sam: You'd be amazed how many robots do that.
Brock: And now she haunts the lifeless labs of Aperture Science performing inhuman experiments on anyone unlucky enough to fall in her mechanical clutches.
Claptrap: That. Is. So. Hot!
GLaDOS: (powers up) False alarm, everyone. The explosions turned out to be implosions; which are much easier to contain. Did I miss anything?
All: (negatory remarks)

GLaDOS: Did you know that the term 'blinds' was coined by a blind poker in the 19th century? Of course you didn't. Because it's a lie. In any event, I'm upping the blinds to 1200 to 2400.

GLaDOS: Management froze me out of the lighting systems after I created a strobe effect to induce seizures in a bus full of freemasons. It was an... illuminating experiment.
Ash: You made that up just for the pun, didn't you?
GLaDOS: Maybe. Say cheese. (flashes camera)

GLaDOS: Brock Sampson has been eliminated.
Brock: This is a joke, right?
GLaDOS: I'm not very good at jokes, but here's one: What's yellow and black and red all over?
Brock: What?
GLaDOS: Brock Sampson if he doesn't leave this table.
Brock: Uhh... good one.

GLaDOS: Congratulations. You've won. I'm hoping you weren't expecting baked desserts, because I don't do that anymore.

GLaDOS: Actually, my scans indicate that Mr. Williams' hand is fully functional, and its nervous tapping appears to be induced by an outside force. I'll see if I can isolate it.
Brock: Don't bother, it's morse code.
Ash: What?
Brock: D... R... I... N...
GLaDOS: K. M. O. R. E. B.
Brock: A... N... A... N... G...
Ash: Drink more Banang. Huh.
GLaDOS: Your hand has apparently been possessed by a marketing department.

GLaDOS: It appears you have lost all your chips. Oh well. It's only money. Your money. $20,000 of it. Right down the drain.

GLaDOS: The robot from Pandora is out of chips.
Claptrap: Darn it, I forgot to turn on my poker subroutine. Can I get a do-over?
GLaDOS: Your question has activated my rarely used giggle center. (softly) Tee. Hee.
Claptrap: Rats!

GLaDOS: Congratulations. You've converted a nearly unbeatable hand into a victory.
Claptrap: Why can't I get cards like that?
GLaDOS: Because you're a moron.
Claptrap: Well, I'd like a second opinion on that.
Brock: It's true. You're a moron.

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