Thursday, May 1, 2014

Bad Ink

Exhibit A
There's a guy on trial for murder in Kansas with an unfortunate neck tattoo.  Out of all the things in the world he could have chosen to have permanently imprinted on his skin, he chose MURDER spelled backward.  As shitty as this tattoo is, I'm surprised the spelling is correct.  Okay, so what could make this an even worse choice for a tattoo?  Ending up on trial for murder.  Yeah.  Now he's trying to get it covered up real quick and in a hurry.
﻿﻿Since he's in jail, he can't get it covered with another tattoo or removed.  Jail really harshes your mellow.  Looks like Mr. Personality will be sporting a turtleneck during his summer trial.  (My guess is that this will be the first turtleneck this guy has ever worn.)
﻿﻿﻿﻿﻿﻿I don't think he should be able to cover up his tat for the trial.  It should be "Exhibit A" to establish that he has a history of poor decision making. Not allowing the jurors to see it would be like opening your door to a blind date with MICRO DICK or HERPES tattooed on his neck and not being able to see it.  That is need-to-know information!

I don't have any tats, but I have no objection to them -- especially if they are chosen well and well done.  The only thing that totally baffles me regarding tattoos is the apparent whimsy with which some folks choose them. 

You are really committing to a look when you get a tattoo where everyone can see it -- especially on your neck.   Let's be honest.  MURDER tattooed on your neck vastly restricts your upward mobility.  Hell, I wouldn't even want to look out and see my garbage collector fondling my Hefty's with such a menacing tat.

Since some folks don't seem to give a lot of thought when choosing their tats, I decided to provide some points to ponder when making such an important decision.  I consider it a public service for both those getting tattoos and the rest of us who will look at them.

So, you want to get a tattoo on your bicep....  Stand in front of the mirror and make a muscle.  See anything?  If not, think twice about calling attention to that area.  If you are a man wearing a sleeveless shirt when you do this, take it off and THROW. IT. AWAY.  There's no good reason for a grown ass man to be wearing a sleeveless shirt unless he is pumping iron.  Period.

You are a woman thinking about getting a "tramp stamp" tattoo on the small of your back.... 
Okay.  That can at least be covered up when needed.  However, if you are indeed a tramp, you might want to make that tat serve a purpose.  Maybe have it read, "My name is <INSERT NAME>" so that your "suitor" knows what to call you should your "relationship" progress so rapidly that basic personal information is not shared.

How about a tattoo on your face....  No.

But what if it's really meaningful and done very well....  No.

You are a woman considering a tattoo on your stomach....  Imagine that same image stretched across a beach ball.  Is it still cute?

You are a frat guy thinking about getting your Greek letters on your ankle....  Think how this will look one day when you are driving a minivan. Hanging on to your youth too hard makes you look sad later. As Elsa would say, "Let it go."

Maybe one?
How about a tattoo designed around an orifice of your body.... A little guy riding a lawnmower toward your lady grass might sound cute after a few drinks, but, try to control yourself.  One day you might decide to be classy.

And finally, I have to mention that if you consider having words of any kind permanently printed on your body, take at least one proofreader with you to the tattoo parlor.  You don't want to have any regrets in your choice of tattoo, but ending up with REGERTS would be even worse.