Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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Cruisepocalypse now

So as a lot of people have noted, fake celebrity super couple Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have announced their 'fake' engagement in France. A lot of people are clucking their tongues, saying that this won't last. They're predicting a quickie divorce. I'm not so quick to judge, and I don't think this marriage will end in divorce. I think that the romance is real, and it will end not in court but somewhere darker. Much much darker.

You see for Tom Cruise this 'fake' marriage is serious business. Deadly serious. He no longer lives in the world that you and I inhabit, he lives in a different world, one with 75 million year old alien ghosts and body thetans everywhere. A world where you can take classes in flying and controlling the world with only the power of your mind. His job doesn't help 'ground him' either, of course. His film library consists entirely of Tom Cruise movies and he watches himself perform incredible feats on the silver screen every night. Years of Scientology brainwashing have convinced him that these documentary films about his life. That's not Ethan Hunt up there on the screen thwarting terrorists and traitors alike with his cat-like reflexes and fancy gadgetry. That's Tom Cruise. That's not Chief John Anderton fighting off the forces of evil from his corrupted psychic charges. It's Tom Cruise. And that's not Lestat De Lioncourt who needs to drink the blood of the living so that he may continue his undead existence. It's Tom Cruise.

"Alright" you may be saying, "Tom Cruise is crazy, but is he dangerous? He's like two inches tall." Is he dangerous? Yes, he's dangerous. Very dangerous. You see despite rumors to the contrary Tom Cruise is not actually two inches tall. He is 63 inches in height, 65 if you let him wear shoes. Now that may not be very tall for a human male, but Tom Cruise is no longer human. He once was, but now he is something more. So much more. Tom Cruise is America's first fully cybernetic organism. Scientology's leadership has slowly but surely been replacing the organs of Tom Cruise with top secret machinery, in the name of cleansing his Thetans. For example most people's spleens are useless. Tom Cruise's spleen can bench press well-over 300 pounds. It can do this without the use of arms. Meanwhile Tom Cruise has been strengthening his organic body parts through a careful workout regiment and use of special Scientology vitamins known as "Anabolic steroids."

All this has rendered Tom Cruise the most dangerous man alive. It gets worse though. The brain-control device implanted in his cerebellum is starting to malfunction. This is why he is proselytizing so openly ahead of schedule. Is his love for Katie Holmes real? As real as the electric impulses blasting through the passion center of his brain awakening his long dormant heterosexuality. As real as the readouts on his cybernetic eyes that tell him her womb is in pristine condition. As real as his hypnotically induced desire for an army of mini-cruises to be birthed forth from her disgustingly inverted genitalia.

The Church of Scientology wanted to wait until he was more powerful before unleashing him. They wanted to wait until they had backup baby Cruises in case this one failed in his quest. They wanted to mix his cybernetic sperm in Katie Holmes' all-American womb and create insurance. It doesn't look like that's going to happen.

Presently Tom Cruise has the strength of 10 men or 15 metrosexuals.Before the end of June 2005 that will be multiplied by a factor of 100. The original plan was that once he had the strength of 1000 men he would use his celebrity to wrangle an invitation to the White House, overpower the entire secret service, and take control of the country's nuclear arsenal. At that point humanity would have no choice but to convert en mass to Scientology or face the apocalypse.

Now the apocalypse is inevitable.

"But wait" you say. "As Tom Cruise's wife wouldn't Katie Holmes be the safest of us all?" The answer to that is no. Not in the least. You see upon the release of his new film War of the Worlds June 29 2005 at a theater near you, Tom Cruise will declare actual war on the world. The press will treat this as a humorous publicity stunt until Tom Cruise decimates Brooklyn neighborhood of Brighton Beach, leaving no survivors. At this point the world governments will come together to attempt to defeat Tom Cruise but it will be too late. With each life Tom Cruise takes he grows stronger, and with each body he consumes he becomes stronger still. As he slaughters his way through New York killing the 8 million residents and consuming their flesh he will become invincible. At this point Katie Holmes will try to stop him because she is America's sweetheart and she loves the world even more than she loves Tom Cruise. He will not listen to her, and as she pleads louder and louder for mercy he will become more and more enraged until the feeling will overpower him. He will give her a sharp but loving slap across the face, the preferred woman-correction technique of gentlemen everywhere, but with his newfound power it will not result merely in pain, it will cause her to disintegrate. Then he will consume the fleshy remains of what was once Katie Holmes.

This is the common tragedy of celebrity romance. Whether it is Lindsay Lohan rejecting Wilmer Valderrama for his cheating ways or Katie Holmes being consumed by her one true love it never ends well. So while it's easy for us to sit back and laugh at the exploits of Holmes and Cruise, or stock up on water and perishables for the coming of the unstoppable Cruisepocalypse, maybe what we really should do is take a long hard look in the mirror and ask who are we to judge? Haven't we ever made bad choices in relationships? Haven't we kept things going longer than they should for appearances, or dated someone who wasn't right just because we were lonely, and the sex was great, and she didn't complain when we took money from her purse, and her sister was hot, like smoking. And haven't we killed a few of our lovers and consumed their flesh raw? It's the only way a love this strong can end.

It's easy to judge those in the spotlight with their fake romances and crazy world-domination religions, but maybe, just maybe, the things we're mocking about them reflect not their flaws, but ours.
Tags: celebrity, humor unedited
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