Postmodern Mazes

Most of my college notebooks are filled with pages upon pages of incoherent text and doodles—markings which were not only irrelevant to the subject matter of my classes, but often irrelevant to anything that has occurred in the past 12,000 years of civilization. Today I’ll present to you a perfect example: my famous series of so-called “Postmodern Mazes.”

Postmodern Mazes are some of the most challenging mazes ever created. They are so difficult, in fact, that I’ve had to barricade them behind a jump. If you are under 18 years of age, do not attempt these mazes. If you have a heart condition, for the love of god do not attempt these mazes. If you are currently pregnant, please don’t even look at these mazes. Pregnant mothers exposed to Postmodern Mazes may give birth to an agent of darkness. Everyone else, continue along:

Postmodern Maze #1: Automatic Failure

Postmodern Maze #1

Solution: Print out maze. Fold maze in half three times. Put folded maze in metal pail and light on fire. From top of cliff overlooking any body of water, scatter ashes while chanting favorite passage from Scripture.

Postmodern Maze #2: Do Not Start

Postmodern Maze #2

Solution: Snap pencil in half, then snap each remnant in half. Form diamond with four resulting pencil shards. In center of diamond, place clove of garlic.

Postmodern Maze #3: Choose Your Own Adventure

Postmodern Maze #3

Solution: Call loved ones and get affairs in order. Randomly select a Finish. If still alive, take hot bath and weep.

Postmodern Maze #4: Infinite Recursion

Postmodern Maze #4

Solution: Cut off hands.

Postmodern Maze #5: Journey Through the Mists

Postmodern Maze #5

Solution: Systematically rid yourself of belongings. Walk naked due north until you reach muscular exhaustion. Collapse. Forgive yourself. Allow body to fertilize soil beneath you.

Postmodern Maze #6: Outside the Box

Postmodern Maze #6

Solution: Solution language ignores many articles and pronouns. Why does Solution talk like caveman? Think like Solution to receive Solution.

Postmodern Maze #7: Vegetable Problem

Postmodern Maze #7

Solution: There is no Solution to Vegetable Problem.

Those are the easiest Postmodern Mazes I created—common ethics prevent me from revealing the others. Some of them are true brain teasers!

16 thoughts on “Postmodern Mazes

  1. FUTILITY: The world is random and cruel

    SOLUTION: Follow your dreams. Become a success. Then commit suicide to teach yourself a lesson

  2. I wish there was a hedge maze (corn maze?) somewhere in the world where, at the end of it, is a sign that reads “There is no God”. Is that so much to ask for?

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