Life After Divorce . . . What Should You Not Tolerate?

By Lindy Earl

I am an admitted chocoholic.  It’s an issue.  I weigh more because of this bean.  I will eat chocolate even if I’m not hungry, just because I like the taste.  I will eat far too much of it if I am upset or stressed – it’s my go-to drug of choice.

As I’m aging, I realize how unhealthy chocolate is for me.  I need to see chocolate as the poison it is to me and choose to not tolerate it in my life.  I would feel better, be thinner, and be healthier if I would simply kick this habit.  Yours may not be chocolate, but you might have some similar addiction. We all tend to have something.

In life, we all have preferences as well as things we would prefer to avoid.  Some people can handle attitudes better than others can.  Some people can tolerate extreme temperatures better than others.  We all have things that bother us and things that don’t bother us.

As I re-entered the dating world a few years ago, I was confronted with an amazing array of rudeness.  I don’t tolerate rudeness well. Some men are simply not gentlemen!  In addition, as I’ve been actively involved in a Single Support Group, I’ve observed people in the group who seem to have a type – they fall for the same kind of person over and over, even though they know that they will be treated rudely and it is not healthy for them. I think they have built up a tolerance for certain behaviors. So, we need to see some people the same way as the chocolate or whatever our preference is, as poison, and maybe stop tolerating it.

If a can or bottle had the word poison on it, wouldn’t we treat it with respect and do our best to avoid it?  But that’s easy, right, because labels are clearly written. Except, it isn’t. Cigarettes have labels on every package, yet people continue to smoke.  The news is full of sad stories about drunk drivers, which is the equivalent of a label, yet people continue to drink to excess, and some of these people will drive after doing so.  That is their poison, labeled or not, and they will choose to tolerate their own behavior, until society stops them.

What about the labels that are missing?  Diabetics should not eat sugar or bread.  Each piece should have a label on it that says, “this can affect your health in a negative way.”  Can we please get some of these labels for some people?

If people would come with a label, some of us might avoid them, but others would run to them. I know this to be true.  If a gorgeous person walked in, people might flock to them.  Their label might read, Uses people for sex then discards them.  Some people would walk away upon reading the label, but others won’t!  Again, I have seen it repeatedly, and you probably have, too.

Why do we stay when the label is there?  Some people stay because they believe that they can fix the person. They figure the person is not really a self-involved, egotistical sociopath, but they just haven’t found someone who understand them.  Then they convince themselves that they are the person to save the jerk.  Why?  Is it some form of self-punishment? Or do these saviors have some kind of innate challenge that has convinced them that they can save psychopaths?  In this case, both people are taking poison.

Which are you?  Are you someone who uses people? I’m sure you have a valid reason if you are.  You’ve been used so it’s your turn to use others and get what’s coming to you. The whole world uses people so why shouldn’t you? Right?

Are you someone who wants to save people, and believes you can turn them around?  You’re just trying to help others, right? But you are ignoring the fact that you are destroying yourself in the process.

Are you the person who doesn’t think that you deserve love and happiness?  True story – a friend was dating a woman he really liked, but she told him that she’s just not good enough for him. He disagreed, but what’s he going to do?  He walked away, but she was the one who dissolved the relationship. So who is to blame when that happens?

We all have things in our lives that we tolerate, even when we shouldn’t.  I know that one of mine is chocolate.  It’s harder to learn what that is in a relationship.  The worse we have been treated in the past, the more we are probably willing to tolerate. Take this opportunity to seriously consider what you have tolerated that you shouldn’t, and make an effort to accept only the best in your life.  For me, I’ll continue eating my chocolate, but I won’t tolerate rude guys.

          That’s Life After Divorce.

            Lindy is a Speaker, Columnist, Author, and Consultant.

* Contact her at to submit a question for her Advice Column or hire her as a Consultant or to speak at your next event.

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