Posted in close to heart

Happy Bday Das

It’s your birthday! In a day I mean. Its funny how, as a child, I never considered the possibility that parents have birthdays too. I selfishly assumed that being born and being celebrated for one’s birth is a privilege accorded only to children. Parents were too old and worldly wise to need, or even to appreciate, such trivial things as birthdays. But today I feel the need to wish you a happy birthday, to celebrate your life, your love, all that you give to us that I cannot even begin to understand.

You have always had an unbelievable amount of energy and life in you, and such incredible bluster that the rest of the world never got to know how fearful you always were, of just about everything. It was only as I grew older that I saw your vulnerability and appreciated your grace. You have taught me integrity, the importance of detail, the meaning of multitasking long before it became jargon, how to cook, how to love new clothes, how to be obsessive about things that mattered the most like love,family,perseverance and above all patience and humility. You also passed on to me a complete disregard about what other people thought. It was quite an experience being your child. It still is, you know.

Then you became my child. I hated it, completely. I wasn’t prepared, and I didn’t have the capability to slip into the new role gracefully. I protested, rather ungratefully, and I know it hurt you. Kids are selfish, you know? They aren’t really programmed to think about anything apart from themselves. Sometimes I wonder how things would’ve been if I’d been a little older, a lot wiser. But you didn’t even give up then! You still gave me the courage to take care of you and get you back on your feet and my lord, you are back at it like a phoenix! I used to blame my lack of courage and boldness till a while ago.Now, maybe because of the things that have been happening with me, I think I’ve realized that thinking that I could’ve changed everything had I done something differently is being too presumptuous about my role in the larger scheme of things, that life and death are so much bigger than you and I and what we do or fail to do.

So Das, enough of senti stuff and all that! I know you damn well to know that by now you would be all :(. You have taken it as a challenge and I know I can see you in your glam form in just about 2 months time.I just want you to know that I dont think my life would’ve been any better or different than it already is even if amma was around. You have never made me miss her. I knw how difficult i wouldve been for you to raise me single handedly and trust me you have done a fine job at that. Ya i know I cant say that but I have asked around and people say the same thing too. SO you relax and enjoy your life and spend more time doing things you want to do!!


Here’s to this year and many more to come! I promise you ill send you to see EGYPT and AFRICA soon! Have a fantastic bday tomorrow :0


Posted in m@dness

Life taught me that

  • People are clues unto themselves.
  • It is best to leave when the going is good.

He is definitely for all time.:)

Posted in m@dness

Boy, you can cry too!

When there is a lot of pain that has been trapped inside you
When u feel that u have nothing to hold on tight
When U can see your life tumbling down the steps of expectations 
 When ur heart just cannot endure anything more
When u just don’t want the day to dawn
When u jus spend sleepless nights
When u jus seem to loose yourself
When there is agony and despair piercing the eyes
When there is a betrayal by your close one hitting you tight
When there is a feeling of confusion and isolation
Yes ….When u find yourself in a traumatic state
That would be the last straw for u to break 
Why shouldn’t you

Cry your heart aloud and give vent to your feelings ??Why should you think that shedding tears is being powerless or being timid . I personally feel it’s the most unadulterated form of emotions. Yes tat powerful element “ tears” when it flows down our cheeks , our hearts starts to feel light.It tries to put our hearts in a state of composure. It acts as a catalyst to visualize some ray of hope …   It does not reduce the pain, but makes you a little sane . It does. IIf you are an avid reader of this blog, you would know that for the past few months I have been expression less. I was trying not to cry. I tried and held on for a month but in the end, when I broke into tears and cried my big fat lungs out, I felt relieved. Crying is the best way you can console yourself. It gives you strength and a sense of conviction. It really does!

What really baffles me is that Boys are called timid when they cry. The other day at a function, the brother of a bride began to cry. He was cryin because he was super attached to his sister and could not fathom that she wouldn’t be around in that house anymore. The minute he began to cry, his relatives and friends started poking him and saying “cheee vinay, you’re a boy, don’t cry! Be a man!!”  And I was thinking, what does being a man have to do with crying! Duh if he felt relieved after crying, so be it. And he wasn’t even wailing, he was just shedding a tear or two. Come on they absolutely have the right to… Its after all a form of expression of their feelings …Why should they be looked down when they express it in this  mode . When they were babies in their diapers, they were allowed to cry and scream. Even when they were toddlers, they were allowed to cry for what they want. Then why this whole constraint and restrictions and bias when adult boys (Ahem ahem) men cry! When someone dies they are allowed to cry but if something goes wrong in their relationships or with their emotions, they aren’t allowed to cry. Come on! Where did gender inequality go?! I was telling my dad the other day, its no wonder that there are more men suffering from Identity Disorders and Depression!

I am someone who believes(thanks to the early interference of Psychology) that if emotions are kept suppressed for a long time, it can cause havoc later. It’s like filling the dam with water much more than it’s capacity. If you do not constantly disperse the water, one day the dam will break and the damage is irreversible.

So if you feel low, boy or girl, you want to cry, go ahead, cry! If it’s a woman, no problem at all and if you are a man, believe me one day the world will look at you and say, “ a man who is man enough to cry.”

Posted in m@dness

To Acha, With love

This is about THE MAN who has been the tallest and strongest person for me. He relieved me from pain with sheer touch . He gave me strength that runs up n down my veins today.

I was a difficult kid. A single dad raising a girl is difficult. But he never ever failed. He sacrificed a part of his life that nobody will ever pay him back, not even I can. He took responsibility when everyone backed off. He raised me alone, all alone. Not one person would point a finger at him and say a bad remark about me or my upbringing. He was my dad, mom, grandparents and what not! He would become my brother for rakhi, my best friend for friendship day and my valentine when i didn’t have any!

Today I stand beside the same man and when I look at him he seems to have shrunken , his muscles are now weak .His hands doesn’t look like those pair of hands that used to throw me up in the air and catch me. However, Amidst all his pain  what  remains unchanged is the language of his eyes ..The shine that echoes in his eyes when he sees me around.

I may never match up his love , affection and patience that he bestowed on me during my years of growing up.I can never match his kindness that he had for everyone or rather everything around. Plants, animals n human beings alike!

I can never be selfless as he is for me and for everyone else around him.

I have shared a LOVE & HATE relationship with that man. I, like a selfish being loved him whenever he gave in to my demands and hated him when he refused to take up my demands.

Today at this phase of my life I decipher that he has never encompassed LOVE & HATE relationship with me. He has and always will love me for ; What I am , What I am not … What I could do , What I could not . Unlike other men who crossed my life.For him I will never be unreasonable , irrational , emotionally imbalance person . Despite my tantrums, pangs of anger & unexplainable mood swings I WILL ALWAYS BE HIS LOVE .

I know he cannot carry me in his arms but I know I can fall back and he will hold me. I know he will love me every single day of his life.

Today as I sit and write this piece ,  I have courage to shed tears at crowded place I wish I had same amount of courage to walk up to him and tell him

I love him

I Still need him beside me

I am still his Lil Daughter with a heart craving for Unconditional Love

I want to be HIS LOVE forever…………That is what I desire today to be

Love you soooo much acha…n thanks for making me soo much like you! I will make you proud,i will!


Posted in fiction

The Newcomer

His brows were knitted. He was worried. He couldn’t stop pacing the floor. The time has come; or so it seems. It had been months since he had been hearing rumours of a newcomer. What would happen to his world? A world he had so painstakingly built?
He tried to calm himself down. The newcomer wouldn’t be able to usurp what was rightfully his. He was over-reacting. Why should he feel threatened? His friends had gone through a similar situation recently; they seemed happy about it. Maybe he was just worrying unnecessarily.
His worst fears came true when he had overheard them one day, “We have to prepare him, you know. He must understand what’s coming.”
There they were. Across the room. Finally asking him to come over, they said

“Come here Abhay…. meet your baby sister.”

So, it is a girl, he thought. She’s sleeping in my mom’s arms….no, our mom’s arms.


Posted in m@dness

Love in the sky..

They were from the same bunch

They were let out into the world….at the same time

They behaved like strangers….at first

It all began with one gush of cool air

Then, a touch here, a touch there..

He tickled her, she would blush..

They would move together…

Dawn to dusk

They had their highs and lows too….

But then they were inseparable……

and the love was clearly visible when they wound around each other.

As time flew, they started a family

Almost like the one they had in the beginning….

Slowly they moved together….

till as far as I could see.