Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three

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*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”


Many people are predicting a baby boom nine months from now, but I’m predicting a boom of really shitty screenplays.


[Valentine’s Day]

Me: I got you a bunch of flowers

GF: Thanks

Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too


“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”


Interviewer: So when did you decide you wanted to be a sumo wrestler?
Me: When someone tried to get me onto the dancefloor at a wedding.


Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.


ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?