Star War(t)s

First, let me say that I love the Star  Wars movies (except for Episode 1. That sucked.  Jar Jar? Pod races? C’mon George, you’re better than that.)

However, I have (over the last twenty years or so) been thinking about Ep. IV, A New Hope.

Sketchy writing you could drive a Mack Truck through.

First, we have ObiWan. A crazy old man who has spent WAY too much time out in the desert.

“You must come with me to Alderaan.”

“Um, no. I don’t think so.” This is the futuristic equivalent of “Hey kid, I have some candy for you in this white, windowless van. And a puppy. ” And then you wake up in a seedy Mos Eisley hotel in the bathtub with a note, a phone and no kidneys.

Then there’s the lightsaber gift. ObiWan has to explain what it is to Luke, and then Luke powers it on without a second thought of “Hey, I wonder which way this thing goes. I could cut my dick off if I do this wrong.”

Fast Forward to the preparations for battle between the Rebellion and the Empire. Luke is dressed in a flight suit and gets in an X-Wing fighter, like he was going to the the corner Publix to get some BBQ sauce and a loaf of bread.

That thing probably costs a couple trillion credits (even beat up and second hand) and the Rebellion is just gonna let some jerk off from some backwards planet that nobody’s ever heard of go and drive the thing? I call bullshit. It’s not like they can go down to the local used X-Wing  Fighter lot and pick up a couple more. They were scraping by. They were pretty damn lucky that they weren’t throwing rocks at the Empire, in all honesty.

And seriously? These storm troopers that had to have intensive training (or at least enough to scare the bejeezus out of every local towns rougher sections) can’t even hit the side of a brick wall. Just how fucked are they? If the helmet gets in the way, then take it off. Just sayin’…

And finally, the Force.

The “an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds the galaxy together.” And nobody’s even heard of it in the first half of the movie. Yet when Luke goes off to fuck up the X-Wing Fighter (see above), I mean, goes off to combat, everybody and their uncle is saying “May the Force be with you.” like he’s some kind of goddamn wizard or something. AND, no one is saying that bullshit to anybody else, just Magic boy there.

What a load of shit! If that happened today, it would be along the lines of “Hope your comet comes to take you home!” or “Hail meatsauce, full of beef. The Spaghetti Monster is with you…” or some other bullshit.

In fact, if you felt the need to say something like this to Luke, I’m pretty sure that you’d yank his crazy ass out of that pilot’s seat and just throw the damn thing at the Empire. It would probably be more effective anyway.

Think about it. He’s gonna shoot a missile down a hole barely two meters wide as the critical piece of your hail mary plan, and he’s hearing voices in his head? Yeah, I don’t think so.  He’s gonna be on the “Snipe” hunting mission, with no bullets. You’d have better luck with Barney Fife.

And him spouting off about hitting Womp rats which weren’t much bigger than 2 meters? First off, Loser Luke there wouldn’t even BE in that meeting with all the brass of the Rebellion. There’d be a squadron captain or some thing along those lines in that meeting, who would then brief his team. Secondly, even if he was in that briefing, the moment he piped up about “womp rats”, that General would’ve had his ass tossed out of the room, if not the fleet, all the while muttering under her breathe about “backwards ass fuck…womp rats…I outta just shoot his ass myself…”


Just sayin’