Thursday, December 31, 2009

Pin It


The Worst of 2009

Before I name my Top Ten, I want to get this out of the way. I love the cinema more than anything. This is something my family and friends have learned to put up with. Every so often, there's one or two or six movies that I can't help but shake my head at. I'm glad to say it was fairly difficult to compile this list. Indeed, some of these things I thought were OK at first, but the more I think about them, the more they irritate me.

Dishonorable mention goes to Julia, which is getting lauds from many of my fellow bloggers for Tilda Swinton's lead performance. Yeah, she's great, but I can't get past the unfocused, dull narrative. Maybe I just hate border thrillers: The Border, Babel, The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada, and now Julia, are all in my Cone of Ugh. That said, at least Julia tries and sometimes succeeds, whereas the rest of these...ho boy.


Every time I think about this movie, I have to talk myself into liking it. A good 75% of this movie isn't funny. The credits sequence feels like an accident. Malin Akerman, Mary Steenburgen and Craig T. Nelson don't have characters, just labels: Ex, Mom, Dad, done, we're good! Aaron Zigman should be banned from composing for five years as penance for the atrocious work here. And not only is it sexist...but it makes Betty White the worst part of a production! Unforgivable!


I like Mel Raido and Amber Heard in this. Otherwise, a hilariously over-the-top movie directed by a man that can't tell the difference between satire and serious drama. No one is in the same movie. Surprisingly unsexy despite Amber Heard being naked for the majority of the film. "We're both sleeping with Simon" is gold, though, pure gold. It's like a bad 80s maybe it's actually a genius film that fooled me? Definitely good for a laugh, especially Winona Ryder.


The ending makes no sense. At all. Logic is sacrificed for a GOTCHA ending and a setup for a sequel. It's no coincidence that the only people in the movie who never have sex, the only people seen smoking pot in every scene, the yuk-yuk comic relief...also happen to be the only minorities in the cast; add racism to the list of offenses. But it is so shockingly awful, it's genius. Yeah, I bought it to watch over and over again. I mean, come on: "You're tits are stupendous. So juicy. Perfect nipple placement." That's platinum, pure platinum.


Smug. Moments of greatness are rendered obsolete by its mean streak. I didn't think Maggie Gyllenhaal's character was horrid; perhaps that's why they added some unnecessarily offensive lines, just in case I wasn't totally with the authors. Like The Proposal, it takes one of my favorite actresses, in this case Allison Janney, and manages to make her the most cringe-inducing aspect of the film. Sam Mendes needs to take a break, do some theatre, stop looking at the world with such a smirk.


Also smug. You can actually see Sacha Baron Cohen trying to come up with new ways to offend people each time he fails to irritate someone. You can't push people for a reaction then call them homophobic. It's like poking a tiger with a stick and being surprised when he bites. Schmuckery.


It's not even a Street Fighter movie. Terrible acting, non-existent sound design, and they actually miss their punches. By a foot. Badly written, poorly acted, and the director should be drawn and quartered. It's hilariously bad. It's impossibly bad.


See, I always thought Wolverine was a mysterious bad-ass. Turns out, he's just a pussy with amnesia. Who drinks to remember. Shame on you, Hugh Jackman. Shame.


A lifeless action piece. It had potential, and perhaps in the hands of another director, it would have been great. Alas, we get too much Christian Bale, a result of the inability to say "no" to the most famous person in a room. And it left us wondering, "What about Sam Worthington?"


A dark movie that tries to be light and schmaltzy. If ever there was a misreading of a screenplay, it was here...yet the director wrote it! De Niro sleepwalks, Beckinsale is boring. The dialogue is stilted. The "heartfelt" moments are laughable. I can only say "What the fuck" so many times in a two-hour period.


But apparently, the number of times I can say "Fuck you" in that same amount of time is limitless. A cloying piece of cockamamie that does nothing but miss the mark. It's like a competition to see who can most insult my intelligence. Rose Byrne wins, but the person in charge of continuity comes in second. How do you call a character "Bethany" throughout an entire film, then call her "Elizabeth" at the end? Who...wha...what the fuck? Fuck you, Adam!

Happier things to come. Stay tuned.

No comments: