Tuesday, August 30, 2011


Because of a wonderful woman named Irene, I cannot blog about how GREAT it was to perform my last show in My Big Gay Italian Wedding, with Lainie Kazan & Nikki Blonsky. I'll never again have hair 3 feet high, or be able to "tawk" with the accent. I was just getting comfortable with the character, and Ms. Irene came along and blew it away. Hurricane Irene ruined everything, but when I see that I made out without losing power; that I had no flooding; that I experienced no damage or loss, I realize I have NOTHING to complain about. Hurricane Irene did give me one interesting thing though: an entire weekend with the Quiet One. It's been over due, but I guess I've wanted to be sure this was real, and not some summertime fling that we all read about.

It appears the Quiet One has quietly come into my life to teach me so many things about myself. And especially to "unteach" me about some of the concepts I had learned as a young girl. The Quiet One has me thinking a lot about the things I was raised to believe and about what I REALLY believe about myself.

When real love shows up, what the hell is it supposed to look like? What does it feel like? And if it does show up, what the hell do you do with it? I know you're thinking, 'girl, if real love showed up at my door, I'd be ALL over that!' But I can tell you firsthand, that when your youth is full of drama, you are indirectly instructed...and I've paid a LOT of money in therapy (yes, surprise I was in therapy, lol, many years ago) to learn and understand my childhood.

When you come from an alcoholic and abusive home life, you are mistaught things. You learn that you do what you have to in order to survive. And that means being "a good girl" no matter what, blaming yourself for things that are not even your fault. You learn that you have to walk on eggshells. When you have witnessed your mother being horrifically, unspeakably abused - right in front of your eyes - and she repeatedly takes the stepfather back, you are taught the wrong thing. You are taught that if you want love, it's supposed to hurt. You are taught that you are not a queen that is adored - you are a peasant, a slave, to be walked on. AND, when you grow up in that environment, you learn that no matter how bad he treats you, you grow up believing that if you wait a little longer, he just might change...so you HAVE to take him back. Oh, I learned so much about dysfunction - I'm almost an expert! My mother eventually did have the courage to leave, she apologized to us for all we'd gone through - for that I admire her tremendously, but years of seeing that stays with you for a long time...the pictures, memories, sounds of screaming and such are etched forever into your brain - and so that's what I learned.

With my father, because our relationship was on and off, throughout the years and I really felt that my father favored my brother over me, I worked very hard to try for his attention and his affection. And what that taught me was that with men...I was not first...I was second. If I wanted love, I had to fight for it and I didn't need to be a priority as long as I was in the picture at all. So what did I end up with? Dysfunctional men who never put me first, who were abusive, neglectful and quite frankly, really messed up.

Oh, the horrors I allowed myself to endure with love. The men who've stepped on my heart. And though I was never physically abused (I made sure to promise myself that NO man will EVER hit me), I was indeed emotionally abused, neglected, cheated on, yelled at, forgotten about, stood up etc....

So I did all the work in therapy to learn all of the above. I have prayed to God for EXACTLY what I wanted from a man emotionally. It is important to me at 43 now, not to make too many more major mistakes. I have cried myself to sleep, yearning, aching to have a man by my side who loves me, adores me, needs me, enhances my life...who treats me with respect, who honors who I am and what I stand for....so when it shows up, what does it look like? I don't know...because as a child I never really saw my father or my stepfather LOVE my mother, show her affection or tell her how pretty she was...I didn't have an EXAMPLE to follow.

So the Quiet One walks into my life - a different nationality, 11 years my junior. He was so quiet...he's not quiet anymore, by the way, lol. But here he is, quietly loving me, talking to me, listening - truly listening to what I say. He does things for me before I need to ask. He repairs things, he cleans for me, he cooks for me...he may not be rich, but he makes me feel like royalty!!! Here is the word that best describes him: genuine. He's genuine - he's the real deal. He's already met the family & 2 of my 3 brothers have requested him on Facebook, lol. He has rubbed my feet, even if I don't ask. He is affectionate, considerate, and he was a PRINCE to me when Grace died. His number one question to me was, "What can I do for you?" One time I was upset with him about something, and I brought it to his attention (I no longer stay silent and say 'nothing'). With my exes, they probably would've said, "Oh, my God..here we go! Then he would've told me I was overreacting and we would argue. What was Quiet One's reaction? "I'm sorry, hon, tell me what I need to do to make it right." Que, que??? What? I almost fell - I thought I'd died and gone to heaven. LOL. Now perhaps men would criticize him but he's not a wimp at all. I've seen him when he's assertive & aggressive, and I can promise you, he's all man, lol!

So now I have all I want in a man, and I don't know how to accept it. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. It sounds strange, but I'm so used to being second, being mistreated, etc...now I have it...and it feels great, but EXTREMELY scary. It's like when I'd lost 63 pounds - I was SO excited...for the first time I almost weighed less than 200 lbs. And then this extreme panic set in, I still don't know why, and before I knew it, I self-sabotaged myself and gained some of the weight back. I won't do that here...no way. The Quiet One and I have reached a new level in our relationship, and well, I'm struggling with whether or not I should give it a shot or not.

So when love, real love, comes around...what does it look like?
Could you handle it?
Would you know when it comes around?

My mom used tells me all the time, "Real love doesn't hurt...real love isn't difficult...real love doesn't have drama." And here I am with real love. No hurt, easy, no drama. I really hope this is it...that he's the one. I don't want to get hurt again...and that is what scares me most...to give myself & my heart to someone who, God forbid, won't cherish it properly.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011


It all began with an email from my friend, Kim Sozzi, telling me all about her role as Aunt Toniann in the highly acclaimed off Broadway show, in its second year, My Big Gay Italian Wedding. I responded to Kim in an email, praising her for such a great accomplishment! I know how hard it is to stay visible in this very challenging music industry...you go, girl! Next thing I know, thanks to Kim and whatever she may have said about me, I received an email from the playwright, Anthony J. Wilkinson, asking me if I'd like to fill in for Kim as Aunt Toniann in the following three weeks. OH MY GOD!!!! YES!!! I am a firm believer that all our experiences in our lives prepare us for new ones later on...and I was immediately brought back to my high school & college days, when I lived and breathed musical theater. I LOVE musical theater, always did. Always will. It's been more than 10 years since I've done any musical theater, but dammit, I want this.

With less than two weeks to prepare, I went to see ths show, and while I laughed out loud with tears in my eyes, I left the show in a panic. Lots of lines to learn, two songs and two dances...how the hell am I going to do all that?? When I heard from the stage manager, I would have one musical rehearsal, one dance rehearsal and one stage rehearsal - I felt even more unsure. Wow. But I kept convincing myself that God wouldn't give me more than I could handle...I HAD to handle this right. The most challenging thing for me would be learning the NY Brooklyn Italian accent. I learned quickly, thanks to my many Italian friends. Oh, my Gawd!! Finally, I was able to have a friend over to go over my lines with me...my first time rehearsing at all, and I received the call from my sister, Gina, that my sister Grace was in the hospital...and it was that day, that my beloved sister, Grace, passed away.

There was a lot to do to prepare for my sister's memorial service. There was a lot of drama going on in my family, and I desperately played the role of mediator and comforter, and it was impossible to focus on the show. But the day after my sister's memorial service, I had no choice but to work on the show...so I didn't really get an honest opportunity to grieve her. In a very strange way, I would cry at the strangest times: parked in my car in the supermarket parking lot, in the elevator, and right in front of the theater before the show. There are no such things as accidents...and I believe God gave me this show as a distraction so I would be forced to look forward. Besides, I know my sister would have been angry with me if I just sat at home. And as they say, the show must go on...and it did.

My two rehearsals were CRAZY!! Thank God for my friends who helped me with my lines because the rehearsals were quick, they were blunt..not too much explanation, and well, it left me feeling just so unprepared. I wanted to complain. LOL. If this were MY production, oh hell no, I would demand two 5 hour rehearssals at least. But it's not my production, and I'm damned lucky to be in the show at all...especially this one. So it's best to eat humble pie in these matters. Shut up, buckle up & drive. So everytime I began to get upset, I just nodded my head and smiled. The cast reassured me that everything would be okay, and no one would let me fail...

It was July 15th. I woke up so nervous. Oh, I know most of you are probably wondering about the Quiet One! Duh. I'm sorry. LOL..He's GREAT!! He has really been my rock during my sister's passing. He's hugged me, cooked for me, massaged my feet, reassured me, and read my lines with me over and over and over again. In spite of it all, I was still excited and terrified all at the same time. I had butterflies from the second the Quiet One asked me, "You ready for today?" I went over my songs and my lines one more time. And then I was off to the theater. They allowed me to practice my songs once more on stage, which helped. I walked into the dressing room where my castmates were extremely supportive, promising me it would be fun and great. I began to put on my costume for the first act; I applied my make up, and prayed VERY VERY hard. And then, the stylist put my 3 feet high wig on (thanks, Kim), and just like that, in an instant, I laughed so hard. The butterflies went away, and I got it. I understood exactly who Toniann is, and what I needed to do. I received flowers, a mass card someone sent to me in honor of my sister, and an attorney I used to work for sent me an envelope backstage saying, "I'm here...break a leg." It was all so exciting..."FIVE MINUTES EVERYONE...PLACES!!!"

There I was, stage right, waiting for my cue...and I walked out with my first line..."Oh, my Gawd!! The traffic ta-day. Angela, ya got any cawfee perkin??"...and that was it. I was acting. And I was welcomed with applause...and it felt wonderful. There was a lot of impromptu improvisation with the actors, and I'm happy to say that I was able to keep up...and I even got my own applause after making up some insult to my brother-in-law in the show. During the second act, I was overwhelmed & had a hard time remembering where I was supposed to stand, lol. One of the girls walked over to me saying, "Toniann, how are ya?" Then she whispered in my ear...'you belong on the other side.' LOL...The cast was right, they supported me and I was extremely grateful. The show was over, with thunderous applause, and I was EXHAUSTED!!! I had so much make up on I looked hilarious...it took me a day and a half to entirely get that lipstick off, but it was so worth it. I did the show again the next day, and realized I was bit by the acting bug again. THIS is what I want to do with my life...

There was an intimate cast party afterward, and I stayed for a drink. All my friends had shown up to take me out to dinner so I couldn't stay long. I thanked Anthony, the playwright, and I even made new friends (Hey, Chad!! LOL). I walked away secretly wishing it wouldn't be over.

That Monday, I received a call from Anthony asking me if I could do THREE more dates, including one in Atlantic City where I'd be on stage with Nikki Blonsky and the legendary Lanie Kazan!! Holy (bleep)!! I said yes right away, called my management with the dates and begged them to be sure I had no conflicts in my schedule. It all worked out...If you haven't seen the show yet, I'll be on this Friday & Saturday, August 19th & 20th in NYC & the 27th in Atlantic City...I hope you'll come. It is a great way to laugh out loud & celebrate family, life, love & marriage equality!! LOL!! You know what I always say: "The Hiya the hair, the closa to Gawd!!"

Sunday, August 7, 2011


So it's been over a month now since my last blog, and by now, most of you know why...

It was July 6th...

It was my oldest brother's, Pete's, birthday. I called him, left him my annual personal birthday song on his machine, and wished him well.

And then for the first time I was going to rehearse my lines with a friend...I was to make my debut as Aunt Toniann, in the successful, Off Broadway play, My Big Gay Italian Wedding on July 15 & 16th. I had a lot to do: memorize my lines, learn 3 dances and 2 songs...all in a week!!

It was a beautiful afternoon...I was indoors practicing my lines, and the sun was shining brightly, reminding me that it would be so sweet to allow the sun to beam on my face. My friend came over as promised, and we rehearsed for about an hour, when I got a phone call from my older sister, Gina. "Judy, Grace is in the hospital...she was having trouble breathing...I don't know what's going on..." Since I'm in New Jersey and it would take a little time to get there, I suggested to her that she call me when she got to the hospital and let me know what's going on. I hung up the phone...and then I called back. "Gina, if it's serious, let me know and I'll drop everything and go to the hospital...either way I'll be there tonight." I hung up and continued going over the songs and my lines. Gina called back. "Oh, my God, Judy...get here quick...they had to revive her and they said it doesn't look good."

I threw whatever on, and ran out the door. Got in my car. When you know it's serious for some reason it seems everything and everyone is moving so slowly. I was speeding down the turnpike, telling myself not to drive too fast so I wouldn't get into an accident or get a ticket. And two exits before the George Washington Bridge, I got a feeling in my gut. She's gone. I know it. I knew it. How does a person know these things? I'd heard the stories on tv before, but I swear I felt her gone. And my cell phone rang. It was Gina, my sister. "Judy. She's gone. She's gone. She's dead."

I wanted to pull over, but I kept driving. Oh, my God...did I hear her right? Grace is gone? One moment she was here...bam, she's gone - just like that in the span of 2 phone calls. Holy...I just kept thinking, 'Grace is gone?' There was so much to do. Oh my God...I have to call my brother and tell him on his own birthday that Grace is no longer with us?! I called him, I told him, and ironically, he said he knew it too...he got the same feeling I did. He was recovering from hip surgery so he couldn't even get to the hospital. And then I had to make a very difficult phone call. I had to call my father. I had to tell him that his first born child was dead. How? He was just shy of 80 years old...

For reasons I cannot understand or even explain to you, the one detail that made it most difficult to tell him was that he and Grace had not spoken in YEARS!!! I have struggled with telling you this big detail because it is very personal, because I don't want anyone in my family feeling like I am exploiting them, and because I don't want my sister's memory tarnished in any way. We have different mothers, Grace and I, and I don't want her mother upset either. BUT. But, I feel very strongly about people learning from others' circumstances, and if I can help people make up with relatives through this story, then so be it.

"Papi, how are you? I don't know how to tell you this, but I have very bad news. Gina called me a few minutes ago, and told me that Grace has passed away."
More silence.
"Who?" "Gina?"
"No, Papi, Grace."

My heart was in my throat and my stomach was killing me.

"What happeneed? Should I come to the hospital? Where is she?"
And I heard a vulnerability in my father that I never knew existed. It was the voice of a father who wished he could hold his daughter. I told him I was on my way to the hospital. I asked him for time. I told him once I had all the information I would tell him. And I hung up and got to the hospital.

I had guilt. I wondered if I should have just tried to get to the hospital sooner. She died alone...none of us got to her in time. Ironically, it was just like her - she was indeed a loner. Don't know why, but she was a woman of solitude. And then I went through my memories with her. They were all good ones. I just wish we'd been closer. she was a bit of a loner, but she was tough as nails, stronger than any heroine in a novel I'd read about. I loved her. I love her.

I got to the hospital. I hugged Gina and my nephew, Joshua (Grace's son left behind) and then we went to see her & say goodbye. I have to admit, I cannot stand seeing someone who's passed. I'm sure no one does actually, but to me, the person is NOT there anymore. Why even look at the body if the soul is no longer there to bring it light? But for some reason, I touched her hair, and it was so soft. Rest, Grace. Rest, sister...no more pain for you, no more torment, no more grief, no more drama, no more sickness, no more disappointment...just light, God's light, God's love..and that gave me comfort. But I cried...I cried.

I had to pick up my father and his wife, and by the time we reached the hospital, her body had already been moved to the morgue. No one should see anyone in a morgue...it's just so clinical, so impersonal...it was not good. But he wanted to see her, and I felt he had that right. I warned him, but he didn't care..he wanted to see her, to touch her. And I won't say more...I want to respect my family's privacy, but the thing that bothered me was that there was an odor that was with me all night: in the hospital, in the car, on my clothes. It wasn't the smell of death - it was the smell of a whole bunch of stuff that tries to mask that there is death and I think it was just as bad.

After the storm, the sun will ALWAYS follow.

It's been a month and one day since Grace's death. Her memorial service was beautiful - we released purple balloons for her & I gave a little speech. You see, we aer not human beings having a spiritual experience; we are spiritual beings having a human experience. And while we are in this school called Earth, we are tested, we have trial and tribulations...and when we pass, we graduate. I explained that we should see Grace's death as her graduation back home to heaven with God. And then we released those balloons and I felt hope. We all did.

I'm happy to report that my father and my siblings have all reunited...mutual apologies have been made...so Grace didn't die in vain at all. In fact it was through her passing, that there was some healing in my family. I am so proud of them, and Grace, I love you always!!

Time is SO short, it really is. I know we say it so much, we are immune to the words. But oh, my God, really, in one phone call...life changes, and suddenly someone is no longer here on this earth. So please, if there is someone who you are not speaking with...the anger is nothing compared to the guilt you may feel if you don't fix it NOW. Don't allow pride to keep you angry. It doesn't have to be perfect again...but try. You can apologize...so what? Just do it. Please. Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound! I love you, Grace! Watch over us, please, we really need it!!!