A Mofo and His Bodily Functionz

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

What's up fam? Before I jump into this long azz blog lemme preface it with this: This is a true story, I don't have to make ish up, and this happened a few years ago and for some reason, I ran across my journal entry about this, so I took that as a sign that I needed to blog about it..and lemme warn you, this blog will have you in hysterics cuz I'm laughing like hell writing it. It may get a lil graphic (so mama, u might not wanna read anymore and just come back to the site next week LOL)..

Stroll with me to 2005..just a few months after I moved to Charlotte, working the most gawd awful shift ever created 1a-9a, and wanting to date, but not meeting folks cuz I was always sleep deprived and evil. So at the suggestion of a friend, I took a leap of faith into online dating. Now don't get me wrong, for some it's a great experience..but you know me by now..and you know got dayum well ..the ish just didnt go like it was supposed to. I blame some of it on my naive wayz.. keep in mind, I was just coming out of that 8yr relationship with King Mofo.

Ok..so I correspond with this mofo..on paper, seems like a good guy, late 20's, cute, great job, intelligent, could even hold a convo. After a while, we went out a couple times, so one day he invites himself over to my house.

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH. pump the brakes.."do what now?"


Now..lemme stop here and explain my hesitation.. actually I really don't damn know LOL.. hell this was years ago.. but I knew I didn't want him to come to the crib just yet..maybe I wanted to check his crib and be nosey I don't know. Long story short, he invites me to his house, and after I hemmed and hawed..I decided..OK ..fine. I'll go there.

Strap on your seltbelt..look around make sure no one can hear you sniggling cuz I am not responsible if u pee on yourself when I finish this story.

ok..so many red flags were popping up so I should have put the car in reverse and drove my azz back to North Charlotte..but nooooooooooooooo Meik wants to be nosey. So.. I call dude..and say I'm outside since I'm not sure which apartment he lives in.

This mofo here...smh.. sends his roomie outside to get me. errrr...ok..maybe he was on the toilet and couldn't come out.. so I don't think anything else about it.. go in and his azz is sitting on the couch.

So since his roomie decided he wants to blast some Tupac while we clearly are trying to watch a movie, me and mofo go into his room to finish watching whatever it is.

Remember before I told ya'll..that 1a-9a shift is a killer..so if a sista gets sleepy..she just drifts off.. so I close my eyes to rest my eyelids for just a second..now I think I'm dreaming cuz I feel a hand trying to get to my "friendzzzzz aka the tittays".. then I'm feeling kisses on my face and I'm getting irritated like WTF.. then just as quick as it started..it stops.

I don't think you're ready for this fam.

So next thing I know.. he is straddled on top of me..

WTF? EYES WIDE OPEN.. blink. blink. blink.

(I'm fully clothed..this mofo is sitting on top of me with not a nar nuthin on)

And before I can push his azz off me and run like hell.. he fixes his lips to say in the most oddest deep voice that I have NEVAAAA heard come out of him before..

are u ready??

are u sure???

He says "Can I SQUIRT on you?"





Lawd jeeezus I think my heart stopped. Shockingly, my reaction then is wayyyyy different then it would be now..but I politely said "sir, could you and your penis please get off me, I am not interested in your bodily functions being squirted on my nice new shirt. thank you"

thank gaaawwwd he did.. needless to say..I got the hell up outta there in record time..I mean if I was still asleep was he just gonna squirt on me..and wtf squirt..gawd i hate that word. squirt. but that's what he said. SQUIRT.

Was there another date? HELL NAW!!!!

Lesson Learned: This is when I learned to NOT take my azz to mofos houses or invite them to mine.. and I DAYUM sho learned NOT to fall asleep around strange mofos..he coulda kilt me or raped me.. all jokes aside..fam, be careful when you try online dating.. you don't know wtf you finna end up with. And ladies..if a man can't take his time in getting to know you before trying to become intimate or squirt his juices on you, tell him to kick rockz because he's more than likely trying to spread the wealth and who knows what else.


Until Later..

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  1. So what was he trying to squirt? Well it's not none of my business anyway. Never tried online dating but thanks for the warring. It's definitely some shell folks out here. Great blog. I was smiling and anxious to hear more

  2. LOL...that happens more times than not...I've copped a feel to wake a chick up if she dozes..but I assess that our previous interactions made it 'OK'...def aint got in my bday suit and dry humped a shirt...LMAO..I did get an image tho...I suppose Squirt was used because that was early in the 'Come' slang age. COme sounds way better I think...but glad that a lesson was learned...it sounds like you have a wall built up around that..hopefully you able to trust more...most guys aren't THAT bad...boys will be boys at times tho..but they don't have to be a*sholes and disrespectful at the drop or thought or a Squirt. Good stuff! Keep it coming. iQmoFo out

  3. LMAO..u know what he was tryin to squirt LMAO.

    Chris LMAO.. this case was NOT okay.. he just was a horny toad..the end. lol.

  4. U should have let him and then sued him for rape. I mean u would have had plenty of physical evidence lmao

  5. Why Meik Why?!?! I just believe some men are CRAZY. WTH could have possibly been going through his mind. I'm going to lock myself in a room and just chill with my son. GEEZE

  6. O...M...G...I can't...

    Squirt?! He was Nekkid?...

    No...No, I...speechless

  7. Where is Dave Chappelle when you need him? I bet if he read this story it would be turned into the "Can I Pee on You" Chopped and Screwed (Squirt Edition)

  8. I wanted to say something clever, but I honestly have no words ... just laughter. Seriously though, who does that? Let me guess, you met him on BlackPlanet? .lol

    Peace and love...

  9. @Social Life Times. I KNOW you from Charlotte; I haven't heard "shell" in years! LOL! Awww, I love my town. Hope to come back soon.

    Now, on to this incident:

    I'm glad you learned your lesson and escaped without any real damage. The Lord is truly our shepard. In my manly opinion, I've learned that, more times than not, there are certain expectations when you come over to a person's home/apartment/dorm/loft/hole in the wall. I've been invited over by some really godly and holy chicks and a sista that I thought was too deep in her pro-blackness to be trying to bone in less than a few weeks of knowing me. But sure enough, when I just chilled at their place, or fell asleep without making a move or going to their bedroom, they felt as if I didn't like them or lost interest in me like the next day.
    So men are not the only ones with these expectations. Never assume that the slip and slide is going to go down, but ask. Imagine what shock and awe you would have saved yourself if you put it out there like this, "don't try any funny stuff, I'm just coming over for a movie, and then I’m out." And in his can, “Don’t pee on me!”

    Now, I don't think there are more an abundance of crazies from internet dating than in face-to-face encounters. People are people, no matter where you meet them. You can find a perfectly good person at “the club”; you can find a player at church. Because the bad stories tend to stick in people's heads longer than good and positive stories, there is a stigma attached to any place you meet someone. I've met really good women on the internet; I've met crazy women in person. Knowing this still does not change my perception of women I meet face-to-face, I’ll still give her a chance. I think if you would have met Mr. Roscoe Wanna Squirtonu off the street, the same thing would have happened. Try to vet people as much as possible before you make yourself vulnerable to them physically or emotionally, for that matter.

    I can't believe that in your many conversations with him, they never took a sexual direction. Usually male freeks like that test you and throw something out there to see how you respond. Who knows, obviously he's a strange bird. But here's the funny thing. Had you been feeling him over time, would that have been acceptable? LOL!


  10. Wow!!! I could help but laugh my A off. I have been through some things but nothing like this. I must admit that is a very weird site to picture in my head, but I think I would have freaked out. Just the thought of some unknown MOFO sitting his NAKED SH**ty A@@ on my shirt is enough to make me gag! I hope the MOFO took a bath first. Anyway love the blog girl. This is my first time reading one and I think that i am going to start stopping by your page a little more often.

    Peace and Love girl!!!

  11. you are crazy as hell and I am in tears... i had a visual of it all! he straddled you? like for serious?? LMAOOOOO

  12. Somebody was tryin to squirt on your "Friendzzz"......I'm not suprise. You have some VERY interesting and entertaining blogs young lady !

  13. You gotta be kidding me...Now u knew better than that. I dont have much to say but Valuable lesson learned....Daddy

  14. Take it from an old woman. A ni**a send his roommate out to get you, back out and ride out! Total disrespect and utter foolishness. I met my husband on a dating site so please don't think they are all SQUIRTERS but 93.99999% of them are not worth hitting the reply button. Sad but true!

  15. Wow...that is scary funny AND crazy as hell all at the same time. Glad you escaped unscathed and unsquirted

  16. Was this mofo jacking off or something? At least you didn't wake up with nut mysteriously on you... Lol

  17. LMAO at the "daddy" poster...mmk well um, this is quite the disgusting story, and you were lucky to get away unharmed. But you should have known to NEVER fall asleep in unfamiliar places...next time take an energy drink with you and some pepper spray....ok thanks

  18. haha i remember you telling me this. that story brought alot of joy to my heart. just sorry it happened to you. but thats good stuff lol


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