Is It Wrong to Punish My Son by Grounding Him from His Grandparents ?

Updated on September 15, 2017
J.N. asks from Aiea, HI
15 answers

It is the only thing that seems to help him obey. He is good everywhere else but with me ! So I am using it all the time. My friends tell me to stay strong and keep going and not to cave in when pressure is put on me.

The only problem is the grandparents and other family members are furious. Also ,he is using other people's cell phones at school, at practice to call them.My son seems to resent me and has started talking back. Not seeing his grandparent's seems to be making him angry and cry alot. I have taken him to different psychologists. The one dr. got really mad at me. The other dr. Thinks he should be heavily medicated , but my husband said no way! The in laws pretty much raised him 24/7 until last year. So isn't his behavior kind of their fault?

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answers from Dallas on

You said they are the ones that raised him till about a year ago. YES that's wrong. They are his parents at least to him. No it's not their fault. You have to work on building a relationship with him through much counseling I would imagine. He does not have that mother son bond with you at all. Is he bi polar or otherwise mentally unstable? There would be no other reason for him to be heavily medicated. If he is then YES you need him on meds. If it's just ADHD then there are other things that can be done. But don't keep him from his family.

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answers from Oklahoma City on

Well, his grandparents raised him. So in HIS MIND they're his parents. Take that for what you think it's worth but it's a fact. In HIS MIND you have taken him from his home, made him come live in your home, demand he bond to you and think of you as his parents, and more. He bonded with the in laws and in his mind they are his parents.

Sounds like your whole family, husband, you, son, and grandparents need to do some family counseling. To work through all this.

I am a grandparent raising grandchildren and I know, from counseling, that my grand kids tell others that we're their parents. In therapy, in school, in writing assignments, and more, they call us their parents. But in real life they call us grandma and grandpa. But for all intents and purposes we are their parents from the day they came into our home we've been that parent role to them.

We sent one of the grand kids back to his mom. It devastated him. He cried for days and days and begged his mom to let him go home. He told his teachers at school he wanted to go home, he told the therapists he would be good and mind if we'd just let him come home.

The school district we'd moved into was horrible for him in first grade. If I could do it over I'd just home school him but his mom lived in a town nearby that has some of the best schools in Oklahoma. I felt he would succeed there and excel. He has too, once he calmed down and got used to coming over all the time and spending a lot of time here.

My point is that the kid comes first. You have to allow him as much time with them as possible. He's going to hate you and act out and turn on you more and more and more if you take them away from him.

He needs them. You and your husband need to go to therapy with him, and the grandparents sometimes so they can have input into what they see going on. They know him, better than you do because they've been there for all his developmental years. They have insight you don't have and might never have.

They are a resource and you're treating them like they are thieves taking something away from you.

So bring your family together, fix this by working together instead of pulling it all apart.

10 moms found this helpful


answers from Boston on

I think you are 100% wrong in this situation. Grandparents raised this child so that's who he feels secure with. Last year you decided to step in and be a parent but instead of building a relationship where your son trusts you and your husband to have his best interests in mind you decided on the route that 'I'm the grown up, I'm in charge and you will obey. If you don't I'll cut you off from the people you've trusted the most.'

I think you and your husband need some parenting classes and therapy to set correct expectations. Hauling your child from therapist to therapist until you get one who gives you the answer you want won't help anyone.

And instead of blaming your in laws for what you feel is his bad behavior how about thanking them for stepping in to raise this child when you were unwilling or unable to do so.

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answers from Dallas on

What is the family relationship here and why wasn't he being raised by his parents till last year? Are you bio-mom?Step-mom?

WHY did the one doctor get mad at you? Perhaps the issues were valid?

WHY do you think he doesn't behave with you? If he behaves everywhere else - YOU are the issue and YOU need to change.

Holding family relationships hostage because you're having trouble parenting is really unhealthy and not actually parenting. It's cruel and obnoxious and LAZY.

If you don't have a good relationship with your kid because you weren't his parent till last year, it's on YOU to build one and not assume that everything will be the way it's "supposed to". You're not giving him any reason to trust you - quite the opposite. If a kid can't trust the parents - how do you think that's going to work?

There's a lot going on here - and much of it is the ADULT'S responsibility to address. Stop blaming the kid and deal with the grown up stuff.

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answers from Miami on

I sure hope this post isn't real. The grandparents raise him, you rip him away from them, try to use them to punish him because he doesn't want to be with you. What's wrong with you? You don't deserve to keep him with your attitude.

You need to go to counseling to figure out how to be a mother. You don't know what you're doing and you're going to ruin this child.

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answers from Santa Fe on

Yes, it is very wrong. You need to come up with new methods. Not good, mama. Some kids are hard...they talk back, they have issues. You need to find other ways to deal with your son and work with him to try to raise him to be the best he can be. No taking away time with grandparents...that is cruel and absolutely the wrong thing to do, ESPECIALLY since they pretty much raised him until last year. If you don't know how to handle him, perhaps you can take some parenting classes and see a family therapist to learn.

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answers from Boston on

You don't say how old he is, but since he's in school with kids who have cell phones, I'm going to guess that he's at least 10 and maybe closer to 12. So, these grandparents raised him for perhaps 9-11 years, and you did not. You are now in his life but just for a year as primary caregiver. He's been through an incredible transition, and that takes time. So you punish him by depriving him of the love of the people he came to know as his security and support system and daily caregivers? How in world is that is a good thing? He may already resent you for not raising him for years, and now he's resenting you for taking away those who did.

One doctor is mad at you, so...what? You left? Another is determined to give medication, which may or may not be indicated, but given the upheaval in your son's life, that's probably not a good place to start, at least not by itself. He's going to need counseling to make this adjustment to his parents being in his life. But there's the added problem of you and your husband not being on the same page (you don't say if your husband is the child's father, which is an added issue).

I think you should get family counseling to learn more about how to parent - it's a learned skill for all of us, but you're not starting from scratch but rather working with a child who's been raised by other people for many years. Stop depriving him of his grandparents - he needs them. But DO get some help in how to establish sensible rules and how to convince this child that he is deeply loved and valued by a lot of people.

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answers from Springfield on

If you in-laws were raising him, then the relationship he has with them is like a parent/child relationship. Those are some strong bonds. You are the mom, but if he wasn't living with you, then his relationship with you needs to grow.

Our oldest is 11, and we are having some adjustment issues with him. He wants more independence, which is understandable. He is having some difficulty speaking to us in a respectful way. So we are doing our best to give him the freedom he has earned and needs in order to grow but also teach him that there are consequences to the disrespectful behavior.

But he's only ever lived with us. His bonds are with us. He can be pretty mouthy and a pain in the butt, but at the end of the day, he feels safe with us. We are his home and always have been. That's no the case with your son. So the struggles you are having are compounded.

You have to establish a really good relationship with him. I'm not saying do whatever he wants with no consequences. I'm saying your role is so much more than just disciplinarian. He needs to feel safe with you. He needs boundaries and to know what is expected of him, but he also needs to know that you are there for him. Right now, he doesn't feel (emotionally) safe with you. He feels safe with his grandparents. You need to respect that and work with them.

It does sound like a really good idea to find a family counselor who can help you work through this season of change.

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answers from Minneapolis on

Yes, I think it is wrong. Supportive relationships and communication with loving relatives are not privileges or a special treats to take away from him. If you think there is something wrong with the grandparents, that they are not safe and loving people, that's an issue totally apart from his behavior choice not to obey you. If he's struggling, if he's not feeling comfortable coming to you, why would you not WANT him to have love, guidance, and support from his grandparents? Are you mad at the in-laws because they undermine you? Again, that's a separate issue, don't punish your son for it. Ask yourself, is this consequence working? Or is it making things even worse? Whatever he isn't "obeying," that you say he has to do, you need to look at different ways to solve the problem. Blaming the grandparents for his behavior? That's not going to solve anything either. If your son is defiant or oppositional, there's a good chance he would be struggling in the same way had you or someone else been his primary caregiver. I can understand his attachment to them if they've been primary caregivers for a long period and just within the last year, you're suddenly blocking these long-established relationships. I think you need to keep searching for a good family therapist.

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answers from San Francisco on

Wow, if he is truly "good" everywhere else then why would he need medication? It seems to me that you and your husband need to take some parenting classes, or at least get some family counseling. Is that why one DR got mad at you, because he suggested that and you wouldn't listen?

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answers from Washington DC on

Welcome to mamapedia.

How old is your son?
Where is his dad in all of this?
Why were your in-laws raising him?
Have you tried family counseling?

Your son needs to have consequences for his actions. Your family members need to be on the same page with you.

Your son should not be using other people's cell phones to contact people. You need to tell other people NOT to allow him to use their phones.

Your son needs rules, boundaries and consequences for his actions. The rules must be the same for everyone in the house. I need more information as I have more questions than answers for you. in this case, I feel you are wrong since they have raised him for the majority of his life.

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answers from Honolulu on

If your son behaves well in every situation EXCEPT when he is with you, then it seems quite obvious that it's the interaction between him and you that is the problem. His grandparents raised him until last year, and apparently they did well, since he's doing "good everywhere else but with [you]".

And your statements don't make sense. You say that keeping him away from his grandparents is the only thing that helps him obey, but that keeping him away from his grandparents is making him angry, and he cries a lot.

What kind of obedience are you requiring of him? What standards do you have that are different from how he was raised until last year?

Why did his grandparents raise him until just last year? How old is your son? What is his interaction with his dad like? What exactly does "heavily medicated" mean?

It seems like there's a lot going on here that you're not disclosing. I suggest you ask his grandparents how they raised him day-to-day, what they expected of him, how he responded, what punishments they used. Then get over your pride and get some counseling for yourself, accept your in-law's advice, and learn to parent your son appropriately before you lose any sort of relationship with him.

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answers from Pittsburgh on

Wait, these people raised him for years, and now you are taking them away from him as a punishment? You are being cruel. Rethink your parenting strategy. Read "how to talk so kids will listen, and how to listen so kids will talk" (or the teen version if your child is older).

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answers from Portland on

I've never grounded my kids from seeing anyone. I have never grounded my kids - period.

I don't quite follow any of this. Why did they raise him? And now, when he doesn't respect you, you ground him from the people who raised him.

You're not supposed to punish your child. That's not parenting. You get them to not obey - but to respect you - by commanding respect.

Punishing kids doesn't make that happen. Being someone who is consistent, fair, has boundaries, is firm but kind, patient and sets a good example - is the way to gain your child's respect. Rules. Make sure he follows them.

I'd remove something else if he is not behaving as he should - not his grandparents. What did they do to deserve that? You're punishing them as well as your son. Here, they don't get to go to a friends if they haven't taken care of their responsibilities - dishes, etc.

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answers from Jacksonville on

There is no where near enough information or background to even begin to comment on this.

Why did they raise him until last year? You're punishing your son by isolating him from the family who raised him? What sort of results do you actually expect from that?

If your son has been living with and raised by his grandparents 24/7 until last year, and he's... how old??... then there are probably all kinds of dynamics and dysfunctions at play here. None of which you have tried to share or tell as background.

I wish your son well.

1 mom found this helpful
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