Sometimes people suck the life out of me like there’s a prize at the bottom.

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I had some food stuck in my teeth and now I’m an international beatboxing champion.


Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us

Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*


So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.


[first weekend away from the kids]

ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes

PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday


I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.


How to walk up the down escalator:

Step 1:
Step 1:
Step 1:
Step 1:
Step 1:


If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”

What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?


Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.