Rob McKenna didn't write this.

Now that we've established that I'm a feminist, ladies, I want to let my hair down with you. Can I let my hair down for a sec?

Because some people masquerading as members of the media have said that I don't support women's rights just because I, personally, am Catholic and think, personally, that abortion is akin to sluts flossing their insides with Satan's tail. But I would like to stress that that is just my personal opinion. As Governor, I would not lift a finger to deny any woman the right to floss her insides with Satan's tail—on her own time and with her own money—if that's what she wants to do. As God always says, "It's a free country!"

But that doesn't mean I'm going to jump in there and hold Satan's tail up, either.

Critics also point out that I didn't openly support a bill last year—called the Reproductive Parity Act—that would've forced insurance carriers in Washington to offer equal abortion and maternity coverage in their healthcare plans. There's a reason for this: It would've cost us, the Great State of Washington, millions in federal aid—all for a few women and their "rights." Trust me on this. I could explain the hows and whys but it would just confuse you.

What else do women care about? Well, I get a lot of questions about Crisis Pregnancy Centers—those all-volunteer groups of hard-working Christians who are trying to give babies a chance at life. People ask me, "How do you feel about those, Rob? Do you think the Government needs to Come In and Regulate?"

But let me ask you a question, women: Do you think the Government needs to Come In and Regulate? Because chances are I feel exactly the same way you do on this issue. Trust me on this.

Real quick, because Pepple is telling me to hurry up and "talk about something else," here are a few of my other thoughts about women:

Domestic Violence: Against.
Sex Trafficking: Stridently against.
Flowers: Pretty.
Misogyny: Against.
Makeup: Pro! (That's not sexist! I wear it all the time on TV! My favorite M.A.C. girl says my skin tone is "blushing corpse." What's your skin tone?)
Abortion: Disappointed.
Revenge: Love it.