Monday, June 27, 2011

Technical How-To: Changing Oil


Oil Change instructions for Women:

2) Drink a cup of coffee.


Oil Change instructions for Men:

3) Open a beer and drink it.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box-end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil splashing it all over you in the process. 11b)Cuss.
13) Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
14) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
15) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
17) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes.
18) Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties.
19) Drink a beer.
21) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change."
22) Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to auto parts store to recycle.
23) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during steps 17-22.
24) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
25) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
27) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
28) Remember drain plug from step 11.
29) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
31) Drink beer.
33) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
34) Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
35) Drink beer.
37) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 36.
38) Begin cussing fit.
39) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
40) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992)
41) Beer.
42) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
43) Beer.
44) Beer.
45) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
46) Beer.
47) Lower car from jack stands.
48) Accidentally crush remaining bottles from case of new motor oil.
50) Accedentally crush remaining beer from last trip to 7 - 11.
51) Move car forward again to apply kitty litter to fresh beer that was backed over during step 49.
52) Test drive car.
53) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
54) Car gets impounded.
55) Call loving wife, make bail.
56) 12 hours later, retrieve car from impound yard.
image via


  1. You're supposed to pay for the coffee?

  2. I'll do it the man's way next time. I mean, you get beer. It can't be all that bad with the beer, right?

  3. Warning - many beers were harmed during the making of this blog entry.

  4. Ha! Right you are and then some!

  5. You know Jill, I've never actually asked. I always just drank the "coffee" on the few occasions I've had oil changed at one of those places. And then immediately regretted it. It's quite worse than gas station coffee... I figure most women have the good sense to stop by McDonalds for a cup. :)

  6. Elizabeth, I approve of your logic!

  7. Holy Beer Batman! Now I just want to change oil so I can drink the beer. Maybe I'll just leave out the oil and just drink the beer anyway. I promise I will only drive to 7-11 when more beer is needed.

  8. That is probably why most guys do it too... :)

  9. Yeah, it's pretty bad. I think the other female readers might be onto something. Probably best to just forgo the coffee & stick to beer.

  10. By the way, I see you have the blogroll working in your sidebar. It may have been there a week, but I'm slow-witted; I was once run over by three guys pushing a car with a flat. Still. Bravo, sir.

  11. Thank you! I was quite proud. And it updates without a hitch, unlike that buggy list I still have over there. I just need to find the time to add the rest of the urls. Much thanks for the nudge in the right direction on that, btw!

  12. Jill- My mother always said ladies know best... who am I to argue with them? :^D


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