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I live for these moments...

momjeans's picture

When I can hand DH his arse.

We’re shopping last night, and while browsing the young girl's clothing department for our almost 4 year old, DH nonchalantly informs me he received skid’s Christmas list. Yes, in DH’s family, you text/email/write down what you want for Christmas and deliver that list. It’s ridiculous.

Me: Oh yeah? What does skid (newly 11) want for Christmas?

DH: Gift cards mainly. She wants a gift card from X, a gift card from Y, and a gift card from Z. Oh, and she said she likes mystery books.

Me: But aren’t you vehemently against gifting gift cards, especially at Christmas? I mean, you’ve always said you’d rather know what someone wants from said store than gift them a gift card. (Laughing at this point...) you don’t even give ME gift cards for Ulta or Sephora so I can shop for my OWN make-up. Ah, okay then.

DH: Well... she...

Me: (distant blank stare through him)

DH: ....

Me: Books and clothes it is then!


Golden child will be here soon, I don’t know exactly when, because I don’t ask, but I assume somewhere around the 10th of December. She’ll be spending a lot of time at the inlaws, and with FIL I assume, because by that time he’ll most likely be fulfilling his house arrest.

Christmas is going to be quite entertaining this year. Dirol


Teas83's picture

My husband is the same way with SD9. She tells him what she wants and he delivers. I'll ask our bio kids to get a general idea of what they'd like, but I also branch out from that and get them things they need or things I think they would like.

My mom always gets SD books for Christmas. This year SD told me that she has enough books and she wants something else from my mom, and my husband chimed in to back her up. I'm not sure why I have to tell a 38-year-old man that we should be teaching the children to be grateful for whatever they get for Christmas. He even grew up with not much money so you think he'd want to teach his kids how lucky they are. SD is lucky that my family treats as well as they treat my bio kids. I hear stories of step kids who aren't as fortunate.

Blue Moon's picture


I know it's usually better to have an agreement with your DH about what to say to your SD, but if he's not on board, I think you can still speak for your mother to tell SD she's lucky to even get a gift, and she is expected to be thankful for anything she likes.

My SO has his DD17 50/50, so each year we only know pretty much last minute if he will have her. My mom only gets her something if she comes at the dinner party, and she gives her something small, like chocolates. Of course I don't have children, so there is no comparison with bio kids.

momjeans's picture

She’s very lucky!

DH should use this comment about wanting something else as a teachable moment about thankfulness.

notsobad's picture

We do lists, always have.
I know some people look at it as crass but it works for us.

I like getting a list of things to choose from and then knowing that the recipient got something they want and need.
I hate receiving gifts that are useless, I don't need another candle or scarf. Yes, I like them but I have enough already, so buy me a,b or c from my list instead.

momjeans's picture

That’s probably why MIL gifts me funky glitter scarfs and cheesy “Bless This House” plaques. I don’t give her a list. Wink

Evil3's picture

We do lists. It's partly because DH is such a guy and can't buy appropriate gifts. We have a strange tradition between us. We don't buy each other gifts. DH doesn't even pretend to know what to get me as his wife. We buy our own Christmas presents and then sit down and tell each other what we got. LOL! It's weird, but we get what we want and don't waste money on things that we would never use or want. The kids are all older now, so they get cash gift cards, or adult gifts like car insurance, tuition or books. LOL!

momjeans's picture

That’s a neat tradition!

And I’m all about gifting stuff like that too. I’m 100% more practical in my thinking than DH is. Haha.

momjeans's picture

Doing lists with DH is weird, for me, because he’s such a phenomenal gift giver - hence, why he’s so against giving gift cards. It’s too impersonal to him. Come Christmas, he’ll gift me jewelry he knows I’ve been eyeing on Etsy, he’ll buy me books I want, by looking at my goodreads dot com profile, local art... stuff like that.

His parents did this to him and his brother growing up. They still do this. And I think a lot of this is just breaking that habit of doing the holidays that way. Just last week he said “Hey, I need your Christmas list”. I always tell him no; it feels weird to tell someone what they’re going to buy me. And yet, he still comes through buying me things I love - and it’s a surprise. All of it!

I wasn’t raised like this is another thing. My mom, sad, grandparents made mental notes, and literal notes of things I spoke about, or showed interest in, as a child. That was “the list” they worked with.

I **do** agree that within certain age brackets, thinking back to when my grown son was a teen, it was easier for everyone to gift gift cards for the most part, but an 11 year old?

There’s also that little voice in the back of my head thinking this is BM’s way to enforce DH’s gift giving. Because he always gets a scathing email after Christmas from BM telling him how upset skid was she didn’t get X, Y, or Z.

I guess I’m old school and I’m okay with that.

advice.only2's picture

Nothing wrong with being old school and liking thought put into the gift, but I also don't see a problem with giving somebody a gift card if that is what they want. Here's my expericne:

My uncle used to give us all gift cards for Christmas, which was fine, we could use them and get what we wanted.
A few years ago he started dating this woman who though that gift cards were tacky and not we started getting actual gifts from my uncle. My BS who was a pre-teen at the time got a toy geared for a toddler and my BD who was school aged and reading at that point got a picture board book geared towards a baby. My DH and I got a plaque to hang on the wall that split in two when I tried to hang it....honestly my uncle was better just giving gift cards. We still get gifts from him that either aren't age appropriate or that are cheap and break easily. Honestly I would rather just get a card from him than more junk that was a waste of his own money.

Maybe enjoy that DH dotes on you and pays attention and gives you thougful gifts and realize that SD is just missing out only wanting gift cards, but I think if a person asks for a gift, then it's okay to give them what they want.

momjeans's picture

Oh, I feel you on the bad, or age inappropriate gifts.

My first MIL used to gift me hefty prepaid Visa gift cards. No complaints!

momjeans's picture

I should reiterate, I am not against gift cards.

I am against DH doing for skid what he would not, and does not, do for me (or our children - if they were older), in asking for one. I have a problem with that.

Tuff Noogies's picture

lists arent too bad i guess, i mean children are 'taught' from a young age to write a wish-list for Santa. but that's just what it is, a *wish* list, not a demand list.

the boys have (through no fault of their own) sucked the joy out of gift-giving. they talk about what they are going to buy with their Christmas money. mind you, they don't get cash, it's more of how they are planning to budget their financial allotment. for example, "i'm gonna get xyz with my Christmas money from g-ma". so come Christmas day, it's no surprise what's under the tree.

i used to really enjoy planning gifts, but if 3/4 of their family do it this way, it's really p!$$ing in the wind to do it any differently. this year dh mentioned just doing a pre-paid credit card for each of them, so that's likely what we'll end up doing. it's just...... blah.......

Acratopotes's picture

We work on a list as well, but it's only to get an idea what they want, they only get one thing from the list and not everything...

This way they still do not know what they will get, and they can't be nasty about it cause it was on their list.... Aergia quickly learned from Deigma lol, he only writes 3 things down, she use to do a 3 pager and was never happy with what she got, cause most of it was not stuff she wanted, somehow I always got one of those items }:) Now she only writes down money.....

notsobad's picture

Gift buying in general is so hard.

If you get something that you've been eyeing and wanting but haven't actually asked for, you feel so loved! If you get something that you'd never buy for yourself or something that is just perfect for you, again you feel loved.
The person who bought it for you knows you so well and thinks about you a lot. The gift is a reflection of that.

Unfortunately, the opposite is also true. When you get a gift that has nothing to do with your interests or your personality you feel like crap.
You feel that the buyer obviously doesn't know you and doesn't care about you. Which may or may not be true. Some people are just bad gift buyers, it's not personal.

Christmas is supposed to be a time of love and peace and family. I think we've lost that and instead of the gifts being a loving thoughtful thing, they've become something else entirely.
I like our use of lists but I'm leaning toward the 4 gifts thing. Want, need, read, wear.

momjeans's picture

Without knowing it was A Thing, I did the 4 Christmas Gifts rule for years with my oldest. Gifts outside of that were guilt-free giving of things I knew he wanted. Again, much easier to pull off when they’re on the younger side.

DH’s parents will strictly stick to buying off of a list they’re given. DH said he and his brother have even sent them links to where they can purchase it online. To me, that goes against the Christmas spirit of giving - horribly. I just refuse to be THAT person. I especially want to break that with my children, while they’re still young, at least.

I always have my own mother a rough idea of what my oldest child wanted, liked. I would have shut her down if she would have asked my child for a list of things he wanted.