What about a To-Don’t List?

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*flexing arms* I’d like you to meet my two good friends, Sledge and-


Holy shit that’s way cooler.. I was gonna say Sledge 2


According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying


I’m hoping the nuclear strike button & the trap-door for hecklers button on Trump’s desk are completely different colours.


The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.

I need bail money.


Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.


At what age do you say never again and actually mean it.


Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife

Me: It’s murder monday

Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday


[harry potter at work]

Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?

Harry: a basilisk, yes

Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*


“Please add your phone number to secure your acct.”
Facebook is now the Nigerian Prince.


I ain’t sayin she a gold digger, but she has a helmet with a flashlight on it, and a pick axe.