Posts Tagged ‘Epic’

Well hey internet! As we head towards these last fleeting days of summer I find myself asking questions about where I have been. Pondering who I am; asking myself “Why did it rain EVERY DAY this summer? Whose idea was that? Did someone put Noah in charge of this summers forecast?” And of course (as I am wont to do) I found myself looking back over my cinematography shoulder at movies gone by. Sounds like it’s time for:

Micah’s Third Annual Summer Movie Awards: An Award show with no significance, no awards, and very few actual movies!

Let’s get started!  

Most Gwenyth Paltrow

Iron Man 3. Stand up Iron Man, accept your round of applause, and this statue made entirely of pepper and pots. You took a great character and a cool ending and you decided to put more Gwenyth Paltrow in. This is like having a Delicious glazed donut and plugging the whole with a pickle. I have nothing imparticular against pickles it’s just… they shouldn’t be the focus of a donut. Similarly, I have nothing against Gwenyth Paltrow but she is not the one I paid to watch, I paid to watch Iron Man, and you hid him from me.

Most “Old boy” in any movie ever.

The Great Gatsby. Did they really say “old” that much in the 20’s? Like every third word in this movie was “old boy” “old fellow” “old man” “old spice” everything in hear was old. The Great Gatsby was a big pile of interesting costumes and parties, topped with a heaping helping of pretentiousness; but it seemed like we forgot the little things like plot, characters, and making people give a care. The whole movie I kept waiting for the Planter’s Peanut to walk in with his top hat and monocle and start trying to sell me his “old mixture of salt and deliciousnouss.”

Most Ironically Named Movie

Epic. A movie that was a lot of things… except epic. It wasn’t epically bad, nor was it epically good. Epic just sort of existed. Which is Ironic.

Least Cares Given

After Earth. After spending months hesitantly watching After Earth slowly look worse and worse After Earth ended up being really bad. To the surprise of no one.

Movie With the Wierdest Ending

Now You See Me. I really liked this movie. A lot. It was fun and surprising and well-paced but the ending was just a little… strange. You’ll not this isn’t the award for “worst ending” that’s coming later. This is just the award for the ending that I kind of saw coming but didn’t necessarily want to end the way it did. Still a good movie but the ending kind of left you going… “huh.” Like if you went to a delicious Chinese restaurant that instead of giving you fortune cookies they passed out after dinner mints. It’s not bad just… “huh.”

Wait-- it's an ambivolent ending coming! NOOO!!

Wait– there’s an ambivolent ending coming! NOOO!!

Best Plot Holes Man of Steel. Let the record show I didn’t not like Man of Steel. Nor is it winning the award for “most” plot holes (there isn’t one as I try to avoid such movies.) But Man of Steel definitely wins “Best Plot Holes” as it’s practically a party game at this point. “So what was your favorite Man of Steel Plot hole?” “Well I just don’t understand why Superman didn’t ask his Space-Daddy who Zod was as soon as he turned up. I mean he spent days walking around going “Man if only I had some guidance or something,” meanwhile Russell Crowe is just sort of hanging out with this repository full of Alien knowledge.” Once again it wasn’t the worst movie I’ve ever seen, just the one with the most fun plot holes!

Movie that most turned out to be really stupid.

RIPD. A movie I was originally excited about but when a movie comes out and every reviewer who sees it comes out of the theater clutching what’s left of their IQ to their chests you usually just leave it alone.

Worst Ending

A surprisingly stacked category in a summer where a couple different movies kind of ran out of steam towards the climax. Fortunately for us, there’s the Lone Ranger. A movie whose ending hit the trifecta of not making sense, not really fitting with the rest of the movies feel, and being really unnecessarily confusing. The Wolverine gave it a run for its money but in the end the Lone Ranger rides again.  

Worst Relationship Choice:

The Wolverine. Shoulda dated the hot, useful, actual-mutant powered, red headed girl, Wolverine. I’m a little ashamed of you.

Most Unnecessary Movie:

Grown Ups 2. Why America? Why? It’s a tribute to this movies horribleness that the Smurfs 2 wasn’t even considered to be in serious contention for this award.  

Movie that most made me want to watch another movie:

Monster University. Sure Monster University was a good movie, it just wasn’t as good as that other Monster movie so it mostly just made me want to go watch that.

Kind of like real college, Mosters University made you appreciate life before it.

Kind of like real college, Mosters University made you appreciate what you hadbefore it.

And finally the one serious award I give out every year:

Movie of the Summer:

Star Trek: Into Darkness. In a summer where most movies we’re slightly below what I was hoping they would be Star Trek: Into Darkness ended up going above and beyond my expectations (and I had HIGH expectations)! It was a great movie for Trekkies, Trekkers, and checkers the world over and if you didn’t get a chance to see it you really missed out! (check out the full review here)

Anyway, thanks for reading everyone and thanks for following along on yet another summer here on Thoughts We Might Have Had. You all are the greatest!

These are dark days. Days when as you look out over the horizons of your blog you see nothing but wide open planes (or plains… or Spain… or something), rolling tumbleweeds, and lizards who may or may not be voiced by Johnny Depp.

Say what?

Say what?

Into these times must come a blog, a blog not just for today, but a blog for tomorrow, for the day after that, for at least till Monday. And so, we find ourselves asking, who will we be, and what blog will save us from ourselves? The answer is written in the skies, in our hearts, and in the title column of this blog. The answer is:

Box Office Top Ten 5/30/13

Number 10: Oblivion

Slinking in at number ten, is the epic sci-fi epic of epicology that we know as Oblivion. I really liked Oblivion, I reviewed the whole thing over here, and thoroughly recommended a Tom Cruise movie! Something almost as common as a blue moon and a red dawn… happening at the same time.

You should see it because: You haven’t got around to it yet despite the fact that I TOLD you too. You rebel you.

Number 9: The Croods

A fairly generic looking family comedy thing about a cave-family that goes on a journey to somewhere for something that I probably don’t care about. A couple different people actually told me this was pretty good, though I’m not saying you should trust those people. I mean you don’t know them, for all you know they could be Nazis. Or fans of Justin Bieber. Regardless though this is one of two family movies on this list and it is (at the least) not horrendous. So… there’s that.

"One day guys I bet they make a movie about someone Treking across these Stars. Probably into some darkness. Man will that be a good movie."


You should watch it because: You have a family…. and aren’t a Nazi. I mean I guess you could see it if you are a Nazi but… you might not like it as much. Given all the freedom and things… I’m gonna shut up now.

Number 8: 42

Currently at the top of my “don’t believe I missed that but I probably won’t get around seeing it because there are things I want to see more coming out soon” list. (I really need to get some shorter list names.) 42 has gotten pretty solid reviews, and is the story of Jackie Robinson’s journey into Major League Baseball. Harrison Ford is in it, along with someone I’ve never heard of before who does a great job with Jackie (according to people who have seen it… which I have not.)

You should watch it because: You like baseball, good movies, and sweet sweet times.

Number 7: Mud

Mud is one of those movies that has gotten really good reviews from all the snotty people who have watched it but that I have yet to actually meet anyone who has seen it. I think it was released in about two theaters that scanned people’s DNA to make sure they were snotty enough before allowing them entrance.

Mud is a movie about two boys who discover a man living on an island and the man is on the run from bounty hunters and then umm… a woman. I think. Like I said all the internet people I’ve read have really liked it but for all I know those are all just the Director’s mom hacking into different computer accounts to make her son feel better about himself. So I guess if you happen to live somewhere that you can watch this movie go check it out and let me know what you think (just include some proof that you’re not the director’s mom. Ask yourself a question that only you would know the answer to. That usually works… I think.)

You should see it because: You’re one of the five people in America who can.

Number 6: The Great Gatsby 

The consensus on this movie seems to be that it’s “okay.” The story is bland (I’d summarize it for you but I left my literature degree in my other pants and I don’t currently care enough) and the storytelling is drawn out, but they Decaprio delivers a great performance. Personally, I’ll probably wait for the DVD. I just don’t care enough and there are other things in the pipe (Now You See Me AND After Earth come out this week) that I would much rather see.

You should see it because: You do care enough.

Number 5: Iron Man 3

Did it. Done it. Reviewed it here.

You should see it because: You’re a fan of awesome, pineapples, and the smell of victory.

Number 4: Epic

The other family movie on our list today, Epic is the story of a tiny little world populated by tiny little people who ride birds. Honestly it looks fairly interesting and has got pretty good reviews. For me it’ll probably slide away without my seeing it (once again there’s a lot coming out I want to see more) but if you’ve got some childrens and are tired of that sound they make this is my recommendation for the week! There’s adventure, there’s humor, and there’s the chance to delve into the little known world of slug related humor.

Wait Beyonce is in this movie? How did that happen? Did you think she was gonna sing but accidentally left a script in the studio? That's awkward.

Wait Beyonce is in this movie? How did that happen? Did you think she was gonna sing but accidentally left a script in the studio? That’s awkward. Also shouldn’t that read “Beyonce Knowles AS Queen Tara” I mean she isn’t really that person is she? 

You should see it because: It involves tiny people in a magical forest and may encourage your tiny childrens to play outside more as they try and talk to slugs.

Number 3: Star Trek: Into Darkness

How is this movie only at number 3?? Come on America, this is probably one of the best  two or tree movies that you’re going to get to watch this year!! I’m probably going to watch it again, something I haven’t done since Avengers and this movie is seriously in the same ballpark in term of epicness, have YOU seen it Bilbert? Well you should. Stop reading this right now and go watch it… Did you?

Why you should see it: Cause I told you to. And it’s awesome. And you like awesome.

Number 2: The Hangover Part 3

The Hangover series has officially entered what I like to call “The Transformer Zone.” Everyone fell in love with the first movie, the second movie was universally agreed on as being horrendous, and now that the third movie is out you feel like you have to go see it just cause you suffered through the second one and want to finish the journey. From all the reviews I’ve read 3 isn’t much better then 2 but for those of you completionists out there I suppose there’s not point in me telling you not to go is there?  

Why you should see it: Ummm…. I’ll get back to you.

Number 1: The Fast and the Furious 6

The Fast and the Furious franchise just keeps on ticking. I mean when was the last time a movie series actually got BETTER as it went along? I mean 1 was good, 2 was good, 3 and 4 were HORRENDOUS, and then all the sudden 5 and 6 turned out to be really good. I am by no means saying FF 6 is better then say… Star Trek Into Darkness. But frankly FF 6 doesn’t care. Fast and Furious just wants to drive cars, blow things up, and occasionally drive cars through things that other people have already blown up. There’s a minorly engaging story in there somewhere but neither you nor I nor anyone else goes to see Fast and the Furious for engaging storytelling. FF 6 is like the anti-Great Gatsby. It (to borrow the old song lyrics) just wants to have fun.

Why you should see it: You like blowings up, carrrings on, or some variation on those two things.

So there you have it friends, a blog for the ages… or at least till Monday. Thanks for reading, and (as ever) may the screen be ever at your front… or something.