Monday, November 15, 2010

Just the way you are

Not long ago I had this misfortune of reading this article. While I really dislike giving this piece any more traffic, I'm going to assume that a lot of people have already read this and try not to feel guilty for the additional hits.

This piece, by a "recovering" anorexic, is pretty much about how fat people are gross and the author would be physically ill if she was forced to merely watch them walk across the room.

Sweet gal, huh?

A lot of people were hurt by this article and for about five minutes I was too. It reminded me of how very unfair life is and how I was never given a chance to explain. How I want to say, "You know, I used to be even MORE fat! I'm actually looking really good these days! I'm thinner than I've been in years!"


I know it's stupid. That chick is so far into the closet of her own soul that she can't see past the demons lurking there. She doesn't care that I've lost an asston of weight. She doesn't care that I'm healthy, my cholesterol is good, I'm not diabetic nor do I fear diabetes, and she does not care that I can exercise and could probably long outlast her on a treadmill...that I can walk thirty-nine miles in two days and raise almost five thousand dollars for breast cancer. Even though I'm fat.

A lot of people don't care about that. She's not all that unusual. She's the mean girls at the gym who make snarky comments when they think I can't hear them (note to the mean girls: You are shrieky bitches. I can hear your harpie voices even WITH my headphones on). She's one of those girls who would look surprised when I started to run. She's one of those girls who will never see anyone's heart or get to know anyone as a person because they had big thighs. In a few years, when I'm thinner, she might even like me. But until then, she'd never even try. She admits she's never been in love and even though she was mean, it just makes me feel sad for her. Not surprised, but sad.

Ironically, the day I read this article just happened to be the same day that I had scheduled family pictures.

Something happened to me when I turned thirty-five. I'm not sure exactly why, but suddenly a huge crop of white hair sprang up in my crown. The wrinkles under my eyes (never cute) were suddenly more pronounced. I seriously considered yelling at a kid to get off my lawn.

In other words? I'm getting old. I feel it.

I try not to let it bother me. I'm NOT old. I'm getting oldER. That's inevitable.

But that day? It bothered me.

It bothered me because the night before I tried on three pairs of pants and asked Jason, "Do these pants make my butt look big?" My BUTT makes my butt look big, the pants have nothing to do with it.

Because? I have a big butt.

I have big thighs too. And big boobs. And, since we're getting technical, big hair.

This is what I look like.

And what I looked like that day was what mattered. Not for me to try my hardest to look like someone else or some elaborate version of myself. What mattered that day was that I wanted to capture what Jason's wife looked like in October 2010. What the Boy and Girl Child's mother looked like. Who I was, that very day.

Maybe next year I'll be thinner. Maybe my hair will be different (unlikely). Maybe I'll stop doing that really bad squinty thing that I'm prone to do when I smile. Maybe I'll look like someone else entirely.

But it doesn't matter. This is what I look like right now:

I can't be anyone else. I'm not even going to try.


'M' said...

I had to read the article....because I am fat too and I needed to know what this lady said. Um, yeah, she is an ass...and then she tried to apologize? No Thanks!

I am what would be considered morbidly obese...I have normal blood sugar, normal cholesterol, and low blood pressure. Sure, being this fat is has to be, but I am not as unhealthy as some of my much thinner friends...weight isn't the end all to how healthy someone is!

I love your blog, I love your attitude and I think you are beautiful (and have fantastic hair!!)!! (btw, I got the gray patch in my hair at 35 too...).

Kathy said...

And you are beautiful just the way you are. Thanks for the important reminder.

Unknown said...

OH that article. Blood boils. You're fabulous & beautiful, and I wish you would get the chance to outrun her skinny ass, because I'm sure you would do it hands down.

As a fat person (who's pregnant, which just makes me look fatter, tyvm) I have good cholesterol numbers and "perfect" blood sugar levels, but all people see is "fat". especially those in teh health-care profession, but that's another story for another time. Sizism burns my ass (hah), and this article is just another craptastic example of how it's still an acceptable example of discrimination.

Christina Berry said...

Ther person who wrote that article disgusts ME. So there.

Too bad she doesn't realize there's way more to a person than their outer appearance.

Or that being thin doesn't make you better than a heavier person.

Her "apology" in the update does little to change my mind about her. Or about Marie Claire, for that matter. It's one thing for a single person to think these things, but it's quite another for a national magazine to publish those thoughts.

And I think you are waaaayyyy beautiful, btw.

Kathy said...

You are a beautiful woman and not only on the outside!!!

Bexterrific said...

I'm biased, because I'm your cousin, obviously - but you're gorgeous, and amazing, and my hero, for so many different reasons. The number on your scale has nothing to do with this.

This article pissed me off too...but it really made me sad more than anything else; the woman who wrote it obviously has a miserable relationship with her body, food, etc. It must be hell to torture yourself every single day like that.

diane rene said...

ugh, that article isn't worth jack.

YOU are beautiful. and your beauty goes beyond what shows up in a picture (although I am so familiar with that struggle). your beauty shines in the words that you share, the love that you give and the peace you work to achieve.

screw the article and the mean bitchy ladies.

Unknown said...

I've haven't read the article. Nor do I plan to. I'll take your word for it. But you're right, this girl is missing out on a whole lot with her limitations. And while I strongly dislike this extra lard that's creeped it's way back onto my backside (and everywhere else, for what it's worth), I'd rather be chubby and lovey than skinny and bitchy any day.

Charmed said...

What you look like right now? Is beautiful!

Bethany said...

It's true- I like you just the way you are. And the author of that article can kiss my fat, rosy ass.

Lara said...

I'm thin, and I couldn't even finish the article. It was just too insulting and superficial. That's the sort of thing my (hopefully soon to be ex-) husband would write.

You are beautiful, both inside and out.

TJB said...

You are lovely. Enough said.

Reb said...

ack. Poor girl. She must be absolutely miserable inside.
Stephanie, I will now tell you THE ONE AND ONLY GOOD THING ABOUT GETTING OLDer.....You no longer care about people like her. You will stop seeing your value through others eyes (which I think you are already on the way to doing :) and will only feel pity for them. Yep. I'm grey. Yep I'm wrinkled. Nope. Can't run anymore. So what? My family loves me. I love my family and really? What else matters?
btw You are stunning!

Jules said...

you're fantastic on the outside and the inside!

Jamie said...

I think you are beautiful. No more, no less.


Unknown said...

That article makes me sick. Sick that their are people in this world that think like that. She needs to come down off her high horse.

I think you are beautiful just the way you are. :)