(First date)

Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?

Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.

Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.

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If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.


shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch


when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.


Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.


[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk


*Gazes longingly out window for white kidnapper van that never comes for me*


Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?


Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys


The KKK was started by some dork who wanted to wear robes and call himself a wizard and his dad was like “Ok but only if you’re racist too.”


I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…