Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”

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good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich


I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.


[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna


*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?


Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”


ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary


Interviewer: describe yourself

Me: I’d rather not, I’d like to get this job


Girlfriend: Ok you hang up 🙂
Boyfriend: No You hang up first 🙂
Girlfriend: no you first
Boyfriend: No you first
NSA: both of you hang up


Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*


Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.