pattrose (pattrose) wrote,

Jim and Blair do jokes 10

Jim and Blair do jokes 10



So Jim picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.



Conner’s dictionary





Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.





Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."


Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."




Miscellaneous terms
Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall.

Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage.

Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with.

Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Eclipse \e-klips'\: What an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes \hee'-rhos\: What a guy in a boat does.

Left Bank \left' bangk'\: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.

Misty \mis'-tee\: How golfers create divots.

Paradox \par'-uh-doks\: Two physicians.

Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: A helper on the farm.

Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: What penguins see with.


Jim: How many pot growers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Blair: None, they use fluorescent bulbs instead.

Jim: How many vampires does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Blair: None, they *like* it in the dark.

Jim: How many recovering addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Blair: One, but it takes twelve steps.

Blair: One to screw it in and one to sponsor him.


A blonde detective

"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" Jim asked.

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

Jim says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his PROFILE."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, Jim flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"










Blair arrived at the scene of an accident to find that a car had struck a telephone pole. Searching for witnesses, he discovered a pale, nervous young man in work clothes who claimed he was an eyewitness.

"Exactly where were you at the time of the accident?" inquired Blair.

"Mister," exclaimed the telephone lineman, "I was at the top of the pole!"


Jim: Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle.

Dog owner: Are you crazy? My dog can't even ride a bicycle.


One Day Stupid, Trouble, and Shut Up were driving along in their car when Trouble suddenly hurled himself out of the window.

Well, Stupid and Shut Up did not know what to do so they went to the police station. When they got there Simon asked them their names.

"Shut Up", replied Shut Up.

"Stupid", replied Stupid.

Simon thought these people were telling him to shut up, and were calling him stupid. Which made him very mad. "Excuse Me!" shouted Simon.

Thinking Simon was hard of hearing, They once again shouted there names.

"Shut Up!"


Simon was very riled. He then asked" Are you looking for trouble?"!!!

Stunned at the idea of Simon knowing that they were looking for their friend, they replied,"Why yes, how did you know?"


Three men stood before a judge on a charge of drunk and disorderly conduct in a public park.

Judge: What were you doing?

Jim: Oh, just throwing peanuts in the pond.

Judge: And what were you doing?

Blair: I was throwing peanuts in the pond, too."

Judge: Sounds harmless. And you, were you throwing peanuts in the pond as well?

Rafe: No, sir. I’m peanuts!

Tags: jokes
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