Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.

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The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.


I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.


What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? Oh yeah. Imagination.


Oh that’s neat so you’re a Cancer? Wait…astrologically or to society?


Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.


I throw my poop to birds to give them a taste of the parallel universe.


[estate planning]

Advisor: Have you thought about an end-of-life gift?
Me: I’ll be dead, that’s a big enough gift for everyone


LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping