Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.

Friend: pollen?

Me: hipsters.

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*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*


Mom said I could be anything I wanted to be when I grew up. So I became sarcastic.


Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?


Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.


A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.


the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions


I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.


I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.


A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes


FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised