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The hardest thing about my juice cleanse is trying to juice Kit Kats & Doritos.


What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?


Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.




I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.


Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.


[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*


I like how some beatles songs sound like they’re written for children and other times they sing about heroin.


You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.