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I remember a friend asking me why I had a bottle of wine in my car, I said I got it for my wife…
He said good trade…


NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.


My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.


[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]

Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic


Don’t go to a fight with a gun or a knife,

Bubblewrap yourself,

People won’t fight when there’s bubblewrap


Me: [travelling in space]

[Text from Karen]: Can you bring some star fish


Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]


*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back


Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.