I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.

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Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”

Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”


I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.


Landlocked countries with beach volleyball teams: who do you think you’re fooling?


Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos

Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back

Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on


Why must the weapons in Clue be so mundane? It’s an imaginary murder. Why not a teapot full of bees, a laser gun, a poem so beautiful it kills?


“We just want to find someone who will-”

*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?


-death row inmates


I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.

You’re not meant to sit on them.


Carl: “It’s chilly out.”

Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”

“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”

“Fair enough, Carl.”


My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.