Thursday, January 29, 2009


SCIENTIFIC FACT LEARNED: They are among us, movies filled with fungus.


Whiney Teens of the Damned, Hunter and her Tylos, Lee Press-On Slashing Nails, an embarrassed Capt. Sheridan and Major Kira, a slumming John Carpenter regular, a constipated Arnie Becker, bukkake torture, Chumley the Evil Alien, E.T. dry-humpin’, and Clint’s little

More details here.


Thirty-year-old teenagers mope and brood about life in little Point Ridge, but besides the droopy-drawers angst, a mystery brews in their small town high school lives, something besides bubble gum, Ashton Kutcher, and V.D. Worried parents Hugh (Bruce Boxleitner) and Colette (Nana Visitor) are concerned about the safety of their son Daniel (Michael DiLallo) who’s about to turn eighteen. Daniel naturally feels they are being overprotective, but suspects that buried beneath their apprehension lies a secret waiting to be revealed by his meddling pals and their talking dog. Turns out Daniel may be on to something as his best friend the Black Kid (Garikayi Mutambirwa) has gone missing, little boys are eating mice, and the townspeople lick their chops whenever they see him. Meanwhile, a snoopy broad named Finley (Alison Eastwood) arrives in town to investigate the death of her father which has something to do with sordid practices of the town’s plastic surgeon Dr. Norbert (Corbin Bernsen). She discovers that the Doc is performing unnecessary and illegal experiments on his patients. But he’s actually just covering up the town’s dirty little secret: everyone’s got a tiny alien worm writhing inside them, and I don’t mean a date with Billy Barty. The aliens rely on the doctor to cover up their scaly skin, fulfill their need for constant injections of collagen, and make then look faaaaaaabuuulousssss! These pesky parasites control human bodies, occasionally feed on them, and run a secret society that holds a tight grip on the fates of everyone. Yes, insert outdated Bush joke here. So as Mom and Dad try to rebel against the alien threat, sexy alien agent June (Hunter Tylo) attempts to seduce Daniel who possesses some sort of significance to the worm people that is never fully explained, as go many things. Danny and his pals ultimately unravel the alien’s secret (hint: a buffet is included!), Finely has a slimey showdown with Norbert (hint: you’ll never watch L.A. Law the same way again), and I return the DVD in its sleeve to get the next piece of crap (hint: it will probably be another Sci Fi Unoriginal).


They Are Among Us is basically a low-rent They Live for the One Tree Hill crowd. And to top it off, the movie has the inept feel of an X-File episode from the agonizing final season. There’s not much here to dissect. Miscast actors way beyond the ages of their teen characters blab about their insecurities, drone mushy nonsense, and frown for the camera. Could this be science fiction for Emos? Does anyone still use that word anymore? Eastwood can’t act a lick to save her family name, Boxleitner and Visitor struggle to find the third act, and Bernsen looks glad just to be invited. Not even crazy old Buck Flowers can squeeze a chuckle out of this tedious movie. Tylo does have a sex scene, however, but it’s regulated to the standards of family hour lameness. The effects are OK, but the monster money shot wasn’t worth the 100 minute wait, 100 minutes filled with boredom, annoying characters, and more disinterested principals than the LAUSD. But They Are Among Us isn’t entirely hateful, there’s… oh wait, it is.

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