16 July 2014

Smile like you mean it

I'm writing this from my balcony. I don't think that phrase will ever get old (or make me sound NOT like a dickish person, but hey).

I can already tell that I will spend a lot of time out here, chilling and thinking and spying on people in the neighbouring gardens. It's pretty cool. As per, I've had a lot on my mind and so, you lucky people you, I've decided to write about it.

Life is full of contradictions. Growing up, I was told to be honest, because honesty is a valuable asset, and lying only ends up hurting yourself and those around you. This honesty extended to how I felt; I was always told to tell people how I felt and the importance of not bottling up my feelings. As a result, I'm one of those people who will ALWAYS let people know what I'm thinking, how I feel about this, that and the other. I'll complain if it's cold, sing loudly and embarrassingly if I'm in a good mood, and generally wear my heart on my sleeve. To be *honest* I'm a very feelingsy (yeah, this is a word now) person. In some ways it's good, because it means I'm very aware of myself and empathetic to others, blah blah blah. But over the last few years, I've learned that honesty isn't all it's cracked up to be.

"Smile, and the world smiles with you", because smiling is pretty infectious, right? If someone is in a good mood, sometimes it'll rub off on you. Ditto if someone is stressed or in a foul mood, and they seem intent on making everyone else feel as crappy as they do. Feelings are a pretty powerful force. 

But I'm slowly having to learn to ignore the influence of others and take control of my emotions. And you know what? It's tough. It's tough for me because growing up, I was told it was okay to be sad, or cry, or feel low. And equally, being happy and positive is something to be celebrated and should never be forced. 

Essentially, I'm having to now learn to suck it up.

Feel a bit hard done by, Sofie? Feel like the world isn't on your side? Feel like you're not utilising that English Lit degree? Tough luck. Suck it up, baby. Because the world doesn't care.

This isn't me trying to be self-indulgent. I'm not crying out for a "poor you". I'm simply sharing what the big wide world is teaching me (or trying to teach me) and feeling a bit frustrated at the world of academia for softening me up all these years. The world might be my oyster, but I can only go as far as zone 2 before I feel the pinch and end up trapped in the barriers at Balham because I don't have enough credit on my card to enter the alien wilderness of zone 4.

Sometimes, you just have to grin and bear it. And for me, it's a case of sink or swim. Accept it, or leave. Go hard, or go home. Insert whatever cliche you so wish. Basically, I've got to hope for the best.

I've just realised how cryptic this sounds - apologies! I'm okay, guys, I assure you. I've just found that permanent work is a whole different ball game, and things work very differently to what you expect. It's a learning curve, and I'm grateful for everything I'm learning. It's just tricky trying to juggle everything and hope to god you're not making too many mistakes and somewhere in the midst of this, try to make some friends, too. It's a crazy old world.

And rather ironically, after this long ramble about work, I've come to realise that I've become a bore. All I have to talk about at the moment is work. It took meeting new people at the weekend and realising I had nothing to really share with them that I am now A BORING WORK PERSON and I'm in the process of looking up things that I want to do in my spare time that are rewarding and fulfilling. I'm considering volunteering, and trying a new fitness regime (ha) or hobby. Who knows?

But in the meantime, I'm going to keep smiling like I mean it and pray that everything else falls into place.




  1. sofie i literally found this SO HELPFUL. it's all so so so so true xxxxxxxxxxx love ya xxxxxxxxxxx

    1. Thanks lovely! We still need to meet for lunch at some point after our failed attempt :) x


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