End of an year and the DECADE

I feel nervous.



L: Learn what your heart and mind seeks!



E: Enjoy your life and eat!






I guess I have.

Dancing At Two Am

As I was preparing to go to sleep, I decided to suddenly play some Hindi songs and let us say, I did not sleep for a very long time

I danced, pranced around my room imagining scenarios where I would get to perform these songs, weddings, parties and what not!

It was an amazing dance party! A party where my truest colours were lit around the entire room! I decided to let my best friend in on the secret and I sent her two videos of me just dancing and being my best!

After dancing to the fun songs, the romantic in me took over. Hindi romantic/sad songs for some reason have a strong grasp over my heart, the words, the rhtyhm, it makes sense. It makes you want to be in love and be in mutiple heart breaks just so you can imagine what it is like to go through those feelings in the song.

When I was a child, I asked my mom what these songs meant and she said they didn’t mean anything. They were just a bunch of words put randomly to create something for us to sing along. I trusted her blindly without question.

As I started to grow, I started to search for the answers to the questions myself. As I started to grow up, develop feelings and also understand the language more; I started to finally understand what everything meant.

What each moment of the song was trying to say and how I can possibly relate to it now or sometime in the future.

As I go back to listen to these songs, new feelings that were once not there are present as I listen to these old songs I once loved.

I am beginning to understand what it means to love and I beg to relate to it truly for at least once. With these songs, I am starting to understand and my heart wants more. The pain hits harder than ever before.

I guess that is what happens when you start to grow up and understand. You understand how complex and deep everything is rooted and once the wave hits, you sink in deeper.

The songs and movies that didn’t make sense suddenly make a whole lot of sense. Things I didn’t find once touching or meaningless now mean the whole world to me and are the most beautiful.

Why does everything mean different when you grow up and listen to it again? The meaning you thought back then was not what you think now.

When you close your eyes, concentre on nothing else but just the words and rhythm, you can slowly start to feel your heart clench, in pain or joy. I don’t know but what I feel now is pure truth and pain.

When my mother said that statement to me, did she really believe it and if she did, how did she even like the songs she liked back then if she believed they had no meaning. I bet she doesn’t remember that she told me this, but I remember every syllable as clear as day.

When those songs she liked played, why did she react if she believed they had no meaning? I guess she said that to stop the curious and annoying questions that I would ask her further.

Why am I doing this right now?

When small, many things don’t make sense and some do

When you start growing up, many things start to make sense and some still don’t do.

If any of you are interested, I will link down the songs I love to listen to that make me feel the most

Another world of my own













A world where different stories exist in different realities and various personas

I enter these worlds and live in them because I am selfish












I find it enchanting because of the numerous stories told.




4. No control

Followed from 3, The master continues to tell the story…

Dear Visitor, I do not know what you seek but over here you shall find no rhythm to a proper story but just a flow of lines that my mind wishes to let loose

I have no control over my hands or my mind

It as if I am strapped onto a seat locked away by a force, a pleasant one that knows what to do 

A force that I created and nurtured and now it only needs my hands and my mind to do the rest

I sit and write every drop that comes to my mind without stopping for once

Every new thought protrudes, and this force compels me to take it all down in one piece 

I know I have to write it because it is through this way, I let go 

It is this way how I unburden 

I wonder when I would stop to write this all down 

Will there ever be a day?

My hands have grown tired but my mind bustles

I wish to close my eyes for a while, but these thoughts refuse to close down 

How do I truly let it go because there is a limit to it all? 

I can’t keep doing this, but I like it because in some of these finest moments I believe comes out my finest creations

Are these those moments

Those moments where the artist is truly happy with what they put out

The work they poured their bleeding life into it 

The vision they believed that people would understand 

But when presented it’s not 

This is not what people want but you know it’s what you want and you still believe that there are people out there who will enjoy your creation because in that enjoyment there lies that satisfaction and happiness you seek 

So you go out and venture

You put yourself out there

Every raw passion and burning and tired breath into it

Desperate to find at least that one soul who would get it 

You go and try and try 

What happens if you don’t find those people

Do you stop? 

Have you failed? 

Do you need to try? 

Do you have to try? 

Do you give up or pursue until your very last breath believing someone will show up?

Do you die like this never receiving that satisfaction you ache for? 

Or do you like in that sadness you can never get yourself out of? 

Who are you doing it for? 

You! or you?…

This doesn’t stop here. It moves on…

2. Monologue

Continuation from 1. The Prelude…

Now I want you to imagine

Can you do it for me?



In that dim vast space, I will be the lead and you will be my audience listening to every word pouring out within me 

All I ask from you is to let me in those minds and hypnotize you into a fascination I want to create 

Let me do it and I will show how I feel it too 

Do you feel it too? 

I always imagined doing a prologue or a monologue like this in a dark space with lighting well enough so that I can see and it shows the light on me as well

I imagine doing it in a voice that carries many undertones to it 

The tunes of darkness, charm, seduction, innocence, inquisition and a voice that gets you so lost 

I want my voice while saying this to you to be so enchanting that I loose myself in my own voice and be a prey to it 

I want to feed on this voice and these words while I say it to you 

I want to consume it and be in that eternal state for as long I can try  

You try so hard to refute 

You try so hard not to give in but you know it always get it’s way at the end 

After that explosion you know you feel complete 

Do not be afraid if you find no pattern

I relish in these outbursts of random scattered thoughts 

I do not want you to pick up each of them, assimilate them and bring them together to tell a story

Don’t bother to find a pattern because let it be

Let it stay scrambled

Let it stay as the way as it is because that is what you are meant to do 

This is how I am 

No pattern but just a bunch of lines written down with no intention to ever stop

This is how I am 

I let these lines flow on to here so 

They scatter 

They are everywhere 

That is how it should be

That is how I want you to read

That is how you know me

Each line is a thought and story in itself, so fear not 

Do not let the force push you to finding a pattern or to desperately pick up the pieces to connect and to understand because that is not how I roll

I want you to live like me

I want you to know how it is

I want you to learn to flow 

To flow like these lines

Read and read 

Each line a new story or a recurring thought 

I want you to leave it to your own mind

Do not try to think of it as to how I created it 

Do not be like the rest of them who try to come up with these conspiracies and theories

Just be that person who lets go and lives in it rather than indulging and divulging in it for the sake of dissecting it up to find something 


1. The Prelude


Thank you and now you may begin the journey…

Do you feel it too?

Do you feel your urges pinning you down into submission




Do you feel that closeness take over you

Do you feel at times you want to be that character 





Do you feel that you have always wanted to do a monologue







I imagine myself in a different avatar when I do it 


I want to present this to the people of the unknown 

This is how I want you to remember me 


This is how I want to live 

This is how I create that impact I envisioned in my mind 

This is what I want you to be fascinated with…

To Be Continued…

Trying this new thing




