Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Hot and Cold

Do you remember playing the "Hot and Cold Game" when you were a kid? You remember, right? Someone gets sent out of the room and an object (a spoon, a tennis ball, an eraser, or whatever) is hidden somewhere in the room. The person returns to the room and tries to find the object. When he or she moves closer to the object, the group tells him/her that he/she is getting warmer, and when he/she moves farther from the object the group tells him/her that he/she is getting colder.

I remember being told, "you are getting warmer," "you are getting REALLY warm," and "you are really hot." Those were clues that I was moving in the right direction.

We can use those same principles in our relationships, especially with our spouses or significant others.

Sometimes, our partner literally doesn't understand what we are wanting or needing from them. They just don't get it. We find ourselves angry and frustrated and may think to ourselves, "How many times do I have to tell him/her?"

They need coaching. So if you apply the "Hot and Cold Game" to life, what would that look like?

People respond much better to praise than criticism, so let your spouse know when he or she is "getting warmer" in terms of moving towards the behavior you want or need.

For example, if you want to feel more loved, then when your partner does something that makes you feel more loved, tell him or her:

"When you are holding my hand like this, I feel so loved."

"When you offered to take care of the kids so I could go get my nails done, it made me feel really special."

"When you ask me about my day and take the time to listen, I feel really connected to you."

"I love the way you turned off the TV and went for a walk with me tonight."

When you give your partner "hints" like that, affirming what he/she is doing right, then it, just like the "Hot and Cold Game," points him/her in the right direction in terms of what to aim for in his/her behavior.

Try it, and see if it works!