Is your team's mascot a furvert?

Steven Wells delves into the murky world of mascot sex
A mascot

Despite her name, Ducky Doolittle is not a sport mascot. She's a highly respected sexologist from Minnesota. And she says: "There's a whole sports mascot sort of groupie thing that goes on...sports mascots get laid like crazy because people are so attracted to them. Women are all over them."

Most of you will be well aware that the world of mascotry attracts more than its fair share of rogues, scofflaws and ne'erdowells. You will be familiar with such scamps as:

· Swansea's Cyril the Swan - who ripped off Zamba the Lion's head and booted it into the crowd.

Morton's Tonosauraus - who hanged St Mirren's Paisley Panda in effigy (after the black'n'white bad boy wiped his backside on the Morton team sheet).

Leicester's Filbert the Fox - who won the Mascot Grand National wearing illegal spiked running shoes and later turned out to be British Olympic hurdler Matthew Douglas.

Oldham's Chaddy the Owl - who wore a costume so frightening that it made children cry and who was savaged by his own dog when he returned home wearing it.

The Chicago Bulls' Da Bull - arrested for allegedly selling drugs from his car.

Clash, the mascot of New Jersey's Trenton Titans ice hockey team - arrested and charged with armed robbery.

Paws, the sunglasses-wearing, dwarf-sized dog mascot of rugby's Penrith Panthers - found guilty of diddling the Australian government out of $60,000 in disability benefit.

And, of course, Wolverhampton's Wolfie The Wolf - who famously (but perhaps unsurprisingly) attacked the Three Little Pigs during a game at Bristol City.

But there's a lot more to being a mascot than mere larceny, fraud, drug dealing and thuggery. There's also sex. Great, steaming buckets of it according to Ms Doolittle. For while you might see sports mascots as annoying exhibitionist nerds in garish animal costumes, others see them as objects of desire. Really. So hold on to your hat, stomach and sanity as we investigate the slightly strange and sometimes sticky world of... sport mascot sex.

Furries, as you might know, are people who like to dress up in animal costumes. Some furries are also plushies. Plushies (or plushophiles) are people who like (as in really, really like) cuddly toys. Some plushies like having sex with specially adapted cuddly toys. And some plushies like having sex with people who dress up as cuddly toys. And some of them like having sex with people dressed as your team's mascots. I kid you not.

Now it should be emphasised that not all furries are plushies. And not all plushies get their kicks fornicating with strangers dressed as bears, rabbits and giant geese. But those that do often gather at Fur Conventions. Here the 'furverts' might be found in a huge 'fur pile', collectively 'yiffing' or 'skritching' one another. And this often leads to the fur being matted with what the yiffing furverts call 'spooge'.

I swear all this is true. But before you get too excited by all this orgiastic imagery, it should be noted that - according to a 2001 Vanity Fair expose of the furvert scene - "a high number of furries are bearded and wear glasses".

And so the question must be asked: given the proven existence of thousands of four-eyed beardies who are desperately aroused by the sight of men in animal costumes running up and down the sidelines at sporting events, are the mascots themselves in bespectacled and facially-hirsute groupie heaven? Indeed, is this the main reason they become mascots in the first place? The evidence, I'm afraid, is largely negative. Indeed it seems that actual sex with actual other people is virtually unknown among the 'real' mascot community.

"For some reason, girls think we're immature," moans Pete Nelson, aka T-Rac, the giant racoon mascot of the Tennessee Titans American Football team. "They think we're funny to begin with, but they get tired of us after a while."

It would seem that eminent sexologist Ducky Doolittle is, in short, talking utter balls. There is no mascot groupie scene. Tragically it seems that both the incredibly horny furries and the sexually frustrated sports mascots (probably the two most sexually compatible subcultures on the planet) are totally unaware of each other's very real and very urgent sexual needs. Why? Well it might be because the "furverts" (like many bearded and bespectacled men) are a bit shy and become all flustered and tongue-tied when in the presence of a 'real' mascot. But perhaps there's another, more sinister, explanation.

In 2002 Goldy Gopher, mascot of the University of Minnesota's various sports teams, 'came out' as part of the college's attempt to show solidarity with its gay and lesbian students. Cue hoo-ha. In the face of mounting public pressure, Goldy was officially reclassified as being both genderless and asexual. But even this sordid compromise failed to satisfy the slavering homophobes. So soon Goldy was seen in an ESPN TV sting chasing women in bikinis. And this was promptly followed by an interview in Playboy in which the formerly homosexual rodent drooled about opposing teams' (female) cheerleaders.

There is, it seems, only one sort of sexuality allowed in mascot land. And that is male heterosexuality. Of the non-furry variety. Which, given that women find men in animal suits a total turn off, is nothing short of a sexual tragedy.

There has been much speculation in the gay press that 2005 might be the year in which one or more of the Premiership's many gay players finally come out of the closet. But I'm hoping that the fur-on-fur community collectively beats them to it. They should come out en masse, via a full-page ad in the national press, stating:

"Hey mascots! We might look like junior school science teachers but we love you. We should yiff. We should skritch. We should seek solace both in the crackling static of our suits, in flashes of fur and feather glimpsed through sweat sodden eyeholes and in the spending of our musky spooge. Furverts and mascots - united at last - shall become as one. And thus will the sum of human happiness be made greater."

Amen to that.