They will not testify in public.

They will not testify under oath.

There will be no transcript.

Their dressing rooms will be stocked with the following: a fruit platter, a mini-fridge of Red Bulls, a big bowl of M&M’s with all the green ones removed, and a pony keg of Michelob (for entourages only).

A regulation foosball table will be provided.

Before the testimony, comedian Patton Oswalt will appear, at Congress’s expense, to “warm up” the Judiciary Committee.

The hearing room will be rearranged by a feng-shui master chosen by the White House.

Members of Congress may not use the letter e in any question.

Miers and Rove may “gong” any question, for any reason. A gong will be provided for this purpose, at Congress’s expense.

Charles Schumer has to wear one of those jester’s hats with bells on them.