Voodoo Doll Magic

Every marriage needs tons of love, wonderful memories and at least one all-purpose voodoo doll.

If for some reason you find yourself short on voodoo dolls, (because that can happen, right?) make sure you have a well-stocked pantry/fridge, and failing that, a divorce attorney on a healthy retainer. Latest research on marital bliss points to the voodoo doll as the least expensive way to save a marriage.

Aren’t Breathe Right Strips supposed to do that?

The premise is that if you are hungry, your blood sugar will be low which can make you cranky and spoiling for a fight. When couples squabble on an empty stomach, things can get harry and escalate the tiff. But if you were to grab a bite first there may be no quarrel to pick with a loved one and everything will be hunky dory.

So, alternatively, if you were to grab a voodoo doll instead, and have at it, you can still feel satiated, right? It will look terribly awkward and maybe even a little frightening, especially if the kids are about, but I’m willing to wager the result will essentially be the same.

Whew! For those of us who are on diets du jure, this is excellent news. What luck, I happen to have three voodoo dolls lying around.

So, it’s past six on a Monday morning and I’m dreaming eggs and bacon but thinking protein shake and coffee. My last meal was at least twelve hours ago. I poke the pudge on my tummy and remind myself to stick to the plan – protein shake for breakfast, a portion controlled lunch and ditto for dinner, no snacks in between.

The kids stream in and tuck into a scrumptious breakfast with enviable gusto. They sure look happy afterward. They trot off to school filled with cheerful thoughts and no plans to pick fights. My husband, likewise fueled up is ready to tackle a day teaching thirty or forty undergraduates and grad students who may or may not pay attention in class, preferring to watch reruns of House of Cards episodes on their laptops or YouTube videos of surly cats. Fed and caffeinated my husband sure looks up for the task.

“No skin off of my back,” he says cheerfully. “They don’t have to listen and I still get paid.”

“That’s nice, dear,” I say, secretly thinking, “You’ve no idea that food & coffee are saving you!”

“Oh, can you return those shoes I bought and also the socks? They’re not cushiony enough. Think we should return the treadmill? I’ll wait for Sunday’s papers to check if the price on that falls.”

Damn his chronic buyer’s remorse.

“While you’re out about town, can you pick up a 34” reversible belt, recycle those old computer monitors and —?

Where’s a voodoo doll when you need one?

Someone somewhere has read this research and has hit on a beaut idea to make a stash selling voodoo dolls. A quick search on Amazon reveals that voodoo dolls are not an item it sells. e-bay does sell a bunch and even has a few used ones for sale and a general guideline to help you select the right one. Because, gosh darn it, buying voodoo dolls on eBay “can be a daunting task.” Sure, there’s the Swamp Witch, Broom Dolls, Charm Dolls, and Ju Ju Dolls, but they carry your average, run-of-the-mill General Purpose Voodoo Doll as well, so no worries. Walmart sells ‘em too—not really, because any doll can be used to voodoo (eight months ago, someone had actually made that query).

Pretty soon, marriage registries that standardly feature cutlery and other sharp objects will prominently request the versatile, all-purpose voodoo doll and accompanying pin cushion. Family Court judges will first defer to the voodoo doll while divorce attorneys scramble to buy out the industry and marriage counselors will end up switching careers. How does one compete with the voodoo doll?

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