Cracked's Oscar Rundown (Part One)

Tune in all this week for more Oscar coverage!

It's never an easy choice to carefully analyze five performances and choose a winner. It's certainly not one made any easier if, like me, you didn't bother to actually see any of the films up for nomination.

I gave it my best shot to Netflix some of them, but a lot aren't out on video yet, and the ones that were out were... fucking boring. So I watched Batman Begins again instead.

Consequently, my strategy for picking for this year's projected Oscar winners was two-fold. First, the winners had to follow a stringently adhered-to elimination process: A) Did the film's poster look cool? B) Any tits? and B) Was Batman in it?*

Second, I got my girlfriend Karla to write all the actress categories, on the grounds that she'd be better at it, but really because a can of french onion soup could win Best Actress for all I care.

* Obviously extra points were awarded to films that showcased all three criteria: having posters showing Batman with tits on them. Or would have been awarded, had any film bothered to meet these criteria, the idiots.

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Jay: Alright, that should get you up to speed. Without further delay, our picks for the 2006 Academy Awards.

Karla: And the nominees are...

Next: Best Actor

Philip Seymour Hoffman, Capote Hoffman is author Truman Capote, investigating the Kansas heartland murders that led to his famous book "Fuck-Bandits In My Pants VIII: Deadly Thunder."

Terrence Howard, Hustle & Flow Howard plays DJay, a small-time pimp with big-time dreams of winning gold at the International Pimp Olympics. But can he overcome his demons in time?
Heath Ledger, Brokeback Mountain Ledger portrays Ennis Del Mar, a Wyoming cowboy who spends the better part of his life wondering: Was that a roll of dimes in his pocket? Or was Jake Gyllenhaal just happy to see him?
Joaquin Phoenix, Walk the Line Hairlipped Phoenix plays the conspicuously non-hairlipped Johnny Cash, striving to overcome a country western singing career to triumph as a wife-beating drug user.
David Strathairn, Good Night, and Good Luck Strathairn is Edward R. Murrow, and doesn't have a snowball's chance in hell of winning this, so let's pretend he played a crime-fighting astronaut who could fart love-grenades.


Jay: Philip Seymour Hoffman. He puts his middle name in everything. Anyone with three names is destined to win an Oscar.

Karla: You're thinking of assassinating the President.

Jay: Whatever. Your pick?

Karla: Heath Ledger. If there's one thing liberal Hollywood likes better than nominating homosexual leading men, its rubbing a big ol' win in conservative America's face.

Jay: I'm changing my answer. Christian Bale, Batman Begins. Homo-erotic leading men go down a lot smoother with bat-karate and rampaging bat-themed supertanks.

Next: Best Actress
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Dame Judi Dench, Mrs Henderson Presents Dench plays a woman who renovates an old London theater in order to put on all-nude reviews. (And yes, my penis just retracted into my abdomen thinking about that. -Jay)
Felicity Huffman, Transamerica Huffman portrays Bree Osborne, a man who’s not yet a woman, but already a father. Huffman is up for the award for having the guts to be really fucking ugly on screen. (And again: Penis. Abdomen. Zoot! -Jay)
Reese Witherspoon, Walk the Line Witherspoon pauses in her busy schedule of throwing half-empty cans of Pabst at effete husband Ryan Phillipe just long enough to warble "Ring of Fire" and wipe Joaquin Phoenix's spittle off her face.
Charlize Theron, North Country Theron plays Josey Aimes, a female coal miner who filed the first successful sexual harassment suit in U.S. history. A heavily fictionalized account, since girls are notoriously bad at "mining coal," if you know what I mean. (I mean ass sex).
Keira Knightley, Pride & Prejudice As Elizabeth Bennet, Knightley's tightly corseted form did an outstanding performance in Jane Austen's heartwarming date movie, I'm Going to This Because You Promised Me a Blowjob.


Karla: Oscar loves it when pretty girls get all fat and uggo for a statue. Since Charlize only got a little dusty, Felicity Huffman should take it for portraying the ass-ugliest woman-playing-a-man-playing-a-woman in history. Look for Witherspoon's Ryan Phillipe to moistly pout and glower at the camera after the announcement.

Jay: You're so good at this. See, I told you you'd be able to offer a perspective on the female categories that I'd be unable to.

Karla: You just don't care, do you?

Jay: I'm far too drunk to answer that question.

Karla: Your pick?

Jay: Cillian Murphy, Batman Begins. Not technically a woman in the genitals-sense. But he can act the shit out of Dame Judi Dench, and he's so, so pretty.

Your tender eyes make my fluttering heart soar, Cillian. Your gaze is like a rainbow that ends in my pants.

Karla: This explains so much.

Jay: Oh Cillian...

Next: Best Supporting Actor
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George Clooney, Syriana Clooney portrays a CIA agent who uncovers that America will do just about anything to protect its oil interests, and his boots fly off his feet across the room because that's so shocking.
Matt Dillon, Crash Dillon plays a racist cop that actually needed to be made more racist in the script, so as to better reflect Dillon's all-consuming hatred of black people everywhere.
Paul Giamatti, Cinderella Man Giamatti portrays... well, if the photo on the left in any indication, some manner of enormous pink gopher. The gopher trains a boxer to inspiring victory in Depression-era New York.
Jake Gyllenhaal, Brokeback Mountain Gyllenhaal plays Jack Twist, a cowboy who falls in love with another man and, if Gene Shalit is to be believed, violently preys upon him before eating him homosexually.
William Hurt, A History of Violence Since Hurt has about as much a chance of winning as Strathairn, let's say he plays a... salsa-dancing pleasure-bot from the year 2026, whom a young boy befriends and teaches to love.


Karla: Jake Gyllenhaal, if only to make life a living hell for every Oscar-covering journalist who now has to properly spell this fuckhead's last name thirty times in one article.

Jay: A seven-way tie between Gary Oldman (Batman Begins), Ken Watanabe (Batman Begins), Michael Caine (Batman Begins) , Morgan Freeman (Batman Begins) , Liam Neeson (Batman Begins) and Batman's Car (Batman Begins).

Oh, Batman's Car. Your gaze is like a rainbow that ends in my pants.

Next: Our Handy Actor-Name Pronounciation Chart

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