Love Is In The Air

Ah, Valentines Day, the most romantic day of the entire calendar year.  If you are spending the holiday with a special someone, you might expect to receive flowers, chocolates or a lovely poem glorifying the ocean-blue of your eyes.

If, however, you are spending the holiday with a child, the gap between what you might expect to receive and what you actually receive can be as deep and wide as the Grand Canyon. Try as they might to come up with heartfelt sentiments of everlasting devotion, a child’s penchant for peculiar vocabulary and unfortunate spelling mishaps make for interesting and, well – weird keepsakes.

Here are a few intriguing examples:

This card, found on Bored Panda, reads: “You are a beautiful human being but I’m not good at drawing human beings so I drew a potato instead. But a very beautiful potato. “

Here is little Brendan getting right to the point and thanking his mother for not starving him to death. Sweet. Found on Pinterest.

In this thoughtful illustration found on Loctrizzle, this lovely princess reminds us that there is nothing more entertaining than innocently insulting the entire family on a holiday.

Miss Pennington told her class that it is nice to point out a person’s best feature when composing tidings of affection. Yikes! Image found on ThoughtCo.

The Award for Most Bizarre Valentine-2019 is bestowed upon this Cryptic Greeting:

The lovely homemade card was given to a third grader by an adoring classmate, and was the source of great concern and bewilderment.

It reads: “Happy Valentines Day. Hope you have a good day. Also, this penis scented banana.”

Okay. A few important questions:

  1. Why does the word “penis” appear in a text written by a third grader?
  2. Why does the word “penis” appear on a valentine’s greeting?
  3. Is this some sort of urban slang term that I am too old to grasp?
  4. Are these lyrics of a greatly disturbing rap song?
  5. What is a “penis scented banana?”
  6. Do I really want to know the answers to these questions?

Understanding alludes me for days, at which time I decide to consult some online scholars for answers. Two learned fellows offer the following explanation of the word “penis” in this text:

“The conceptual penis is better understood not as an anatomical organ but as a social construct isomorphic to performative toxic masculinity. “

-Jamie Lindsay and Peter Boyle

I think it’s safe to assume that the author of this valentine does not intend the above explanation, which leaves me with the same conundrum. What exactly does the young author intend with the use of the phrase, “penis scented banana?”

The answer comes to me while in semi-sleep and jolts me awake with a HUGE sigh of relief. The card is intended to read:

“Happy Valentines day. I hope you have a good day. Also, this PEN IS scented banana.”

And now I can sleep at night without fixating on the corruption of our youth. However, a quote from Aristotle beautifully illustrates today’s life lesson:

“Good Habits formed at youth make all the difference.”


Life lesson #872: