Friday, February 6, 2009

Taxed by Taxes and Other Things

Dear IRS:

I appreciate that you are so kind as to let me "claim" my daughters on my income tax this (although, frankly, I think it blows that you don't extend the same courtesy to mothers who children were born still). But I am wondering why you need the social security numbers of Iso.bel and Jo.vita? I am wondering what about that big, all caps "DEAD" where their SS# should be on my eFile (thanks for the auto-fill HR makes additional information necessary? You must be sticklers for it, because after hours of chronicling my medical receipts and donations, it seems that I can no longer continue any further with my return. At least not with the program I am currently using.


So, off I go to the Social Security office on Monday to inquire nicely where the cards we requested 8 weeks ago today are. Did someone make a decision not to send them, so as not to offend the grieving parents? Goddess forbid someone acknowledge their existence without prompting. Did they somehow get lost therefore explaining why they haven't appeared after the usual 3 week processing period in my state? Or is this more like the situation with the birth certificates where things usually processed automatically require my actually asking for them, you know, to make sure we really, REALLY want them? I guess we'll see.

But the trip to the SS office on Monday will have to wait until after a more pressing issue: first, I need to schedule some surgery to get this chunk of something out of my uterus.

Yesterday's HSG, while far less painful than the first one way back when (something about childbirth loosens things up down there), didn't exactly give me the pictures I wanted. There is a pretty large (think a good 25% size of my uterus) mass in there that could be:
  1. scarring from the D&C needed to remove the placentas after the pre-term delivery,
  2. "retained tissue" - as in, pieces of placenta that never got removed (my doc's guess), or
  3. a combination of the above.
Whatever it is, it can't stick around.

The procedure is minor, the same process (more or less) for any of the options. Outpatient surgery. I get to walk around with an inflated balloon up my cooch for about a week (to maximize healing and give everything space to get better) and then follow everything up with 4 weeks of estrogen. After a flush of that new post-op lining (read: a period to rival all others) and a quick scan to see what's what, if everything is clear, we'll go for IVF#4 (FET#3).

I don't mind prolonging our next attempt if it means taking the time to make sure everything is as good as it can possibly be before we unfreeze any embryos. But this complication does feel a bit like a kick in the gut.

My acupuncturist said to me this morning - don't see this as a delay; see it as giving your body more time to heal. Why do you forget that you only recently gave birth? Give things time to get back into their rightful places. Give you mind more time to be peaceful.

Ok. I will try to be peaceful.

After I give the social security office a piece of my mind.


Barbara said...

I had to be reminded several times that I'd just given birth when I expressed my frustration at not healing. Now I'm frustrated but accepting the reasons why.

I have my similar-to-HSG HyCoSy scan thingy coming up soon, to check on the "chunk of something" fibroids that I need to be gone. Oh joy.

I'm sorry you have to go through all that tax crap, how pointlessly bureaucratic and cruel. Just what you need when you're grieving.

Wishing you peace (after that piece of mind gets given!)


Bluebird said...

I'm so sorry you're dealing with all this. Sometimes it seems like the insults added to injury never end, doesn't it!

In the words of my mother, I hope you're able to really "lay down the law" at the SS office :)

Thank you for your comment on my post also. It was beautiful, and really warmed my heart.

((Hugs)) sweetie.

Bluebird said...

Ugh. I just wrote you a long comment then my computer locked up! I don't see it here, but maybe that' just because comments require approval first? (If so, I'd feel like an idiot posting twice! Delete this!)

The short version: I totally hate this for you, it totally sucks, and I hope you're able to really "lay down the law" (in the words of my mother) at the SS office. Sometimes it feels like its never going to stop, doesn't it?

Thank you also for your comment on my post. Your words were so sweet and perfect, and really just made my day.

((Hugs)) sweetie.

Ryan's Mommy said...

Yay, visiting the SS office is always a little slice of heaven. Not. And especially NOT when it's a situation like yours. I'm sorry you have to deal with that.

Also sorry about the ute complication. I do think your acupuncturist gave excellent advice.

I get to go for an HSG in a couple of weeks. I hope to heck it doesn't hurt as much as it did the first time.

Lori Lavender Luz said...

Peace and piece.

Poked by the acupuncturist (in a helpful way) and poked by the I R S (not so much).

It's almost surreal, isn't it?

XO, M.

Cara said...

That letter is one for the record books - or the archives at the very least.

I have a similar version - more anger and rage infused though - as our baby was one of those born still girls they just don't see any sense in recognizing.

Praying your surgery goes well and the wait is bearable.

Two Shorten the Road said...

OMG. The tax/SSN situation, after al you've been through, sounds like such an insult. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that.

Kami said...

I claimed Ernest on my taxes without a SS#. I never got one for him. I just sent in a copy of the unofficial birth certificate. I am sure it was supposed to be official, but 5 years later and no audit yet.

It just sucks doesn't it? Claiming a dead baby on your taxes - or babies in your case. How strange that we save money? How strange that a few minutes or hours can make the difference between a still birth and a live one - a dependent or not?

I hope things go well and you can start trying again soon. I know it is good to be peaceful and patient. I also remember how hard that was. I couldn't wait to start trying again.

Peace to you.

Devon said...

gosh, i have the same SS issue...they actually told me they don't issue numbers for "dead babies" - nice. thanks for making my day...

i'm thinking i might just let it go. not worth the heartache of explaining to someone why i need them...its not about the money. its about proving they were. proving they were our children...