Saturday, April 19, 2014

#Review: Tart ( A Delicious Novel)

Book Title: Tart (Delicious 2)
Author:  Lauren Dane |WebsiteTwitterFacebook|
Publisher: Penguin
Genre: Erotic Romance
Series/Standalone: Series
Format: paperback
Cost: $15.00
Pages: 320
How I got it: Purchased
Purchase: Amazon | Barnes & Noble
Publication Date: November 2012
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Very rarely have I had a "go to author" disappoint me the way that this book has.  I normally gobble these books up in a day or two, three at the most.  This took me two weeks, I had never been so bored in my life.  The book starts off throwing a bunch of characters at you, explaining who they are as they go, but seriously a shyt ton of people as soon as you start in isn't good.  Going in I didn't know this book was a off shoot of the Brown Siblings series, pretty soon you learn though because we are dealing with the wedding of a Brown/Delicious family member and the whole gangs here. Spoilers for the Brown Sibling series are ALL OVER THE GODDAMN PLACE. With no warning!!!  I understand that Jules is a baker, but this is supposed to be their story and yet, we get all the other people's story, & even the start of a new one.  The wedding, and the friends took up a good chunk of this story and I really couldn't get a feel of the characters because we were learning about their friends more than we learnt about them.

The story of Juliet or is it Julie no is it Jules ( I don't know because everybody had a different name they called her. )  is cute to start out, I mean the lingo was a little outlandish, but this is Washington so I'll allow it. Some of the sayings sound like Grandma sayings and the moments that are supposed to be "aww" moments just get on your nerves.  The conversations between friends feel strained and forced. But I was willing to allow it, because we were going to get a hot menage right?? *Pause before we move on please sound out the following* Hoar & Whore, sounds the same right?? But no these girlfriends can tell when you're saying something else, cause she's not really a whore, she a hoar, same meaning less shame. O_o

First let's discuss the fact that  EVERYGODDAMNBODY in town kept asking her and Cal what they were going to do about the fact that she's now dating the new guy. Why?? Cal knew for years that I was available and I'm supposed to keep waiting for him to grow a pair and ask me out??? He's dated every single person they know and still has never asked Juliet out. Why is she supposed to wait for him but no one is making him grow up and ask her out?? That's when I started to get annoyed with this story.  Even his sister, Juliet's supposed best friend is telling him about her dating the guy and asking what's he going to do about it. Biotch?? I've made my choice and you are working to undermine that and you call yourself my best friend??!!?!?!? Nah that's not how this works AT ALL.

Errrmm no.  Jules starts dating this guy, everyone starts asking Cal what's he going to do about it, and then nothing.  No build up to them getting together, just Cal assaulting Jules in a dark alley 'cause that's f*cking sexy.  Personally I wanted to karate chop him in the throat and keep it moving.  And her boyfriend's reaction?? Yeah f**king NO, JUST NO.  I was so done with the book then, but nope I stayed reading and it just became one bad scene after another.  Them fighting with her about her fears, them deciding to be a menage,  nothing about this was sexy.  Even the sexy times felt forced and just so fake.   Everything Cal said just annoyed me, her boyfriend's sexy stuff was also forced and just UGH!!  It was also painful to read the times that it was just Cal and Gideon (yeah I finally learnt his name but only for the review..he was that forgettable)

I don't know any man who wouldn't be jealous, especially if they went into the relationship as a duo, there hadn't been any previous discussion of being polyamorous. It just miraculously happens.  Her boyfriend's reasoning as to why they should be a menage was so lame, are you serious sir?? Nope you're lying because nobody is this dumb, nobody can be this calm about their girlfriend being assaulted by a friend and then saying "yes, come on into our relationship because it's easier".  Then there is the convenient fact of their sexuality. They just happen to both be bisexual and even though they never EVER EVER felt anything before, now that it counts, they are hot for each other. Never mind that they have been friends forever and never once even thought that about each other, because you know that's how being bi works, you can turn it on and off at any point, It's not about the person and mutual like and respect it's "no he's here so I have to like him". Please sense the sarcasm here

By the end of the book I just no longer gave two damns what happened.  I despised Cal, I thought the other guy, I don't even remember his name that's how forgettable he was, was a first class idiot and I thought Juliet was dumb, if I never have to hear about them again I would be ecstatic.  This book has some much potential, but it all came down to talking about them instead of showing me why they are awesome.  It kept saying, and I mean everybody kept saying how cool Julie was, don't tell me how to feel about her, show me why she's cool.I'm smart, I don't need everything explained to me, I can remember what happened a few pages ago, a scene ago, and heck even who the characters are, but in this book it didn't seem like the author thought I had common sense, because everything was explained to me, several times over, several pages of it. UGH

It did this for every character, for every scene, for everything and it all felt forced.  I couldn't connect to the characters as they were portrayed, and I didn't care for the relationship being described. Important scenes were left out, like the blowout between Jules and her brother, we only get Jules second hand a whole week later thoughts on the matter. That should have been in there, but the description of Cal's mother's backyard, that was oh so essential to the story.(again with the snark, I'm trying to be nice, but this book soooo doesn't deserve anything nice)

This is a clear case of great idea, shyt execution.  It's not my mood, because I read three other menages this month, I read tons of contemporary, and I normally love Lauren's writing, but this book was just everything wrong to me.  So many people loved it and once again I'm left wondering did I read the same thing or was something wrong with my book because I just don't get it.

This is going to be the first time ever that I can't recommend a Lauren Dane book.  I'm not even sure what the heck I'm going to so with my copy, since you know I done bought it now. (Book/first world problems). Skip this one, save yourself!!  Did you read it already?? If you did why not share with me what you thought of it.

Better Luck next time

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