Friday, April 16, 2010

Blind Vice: Seymour Wants Privacy and Padded Bras

New from Ted:

Blind Vice: Seymour Wants Privacy and Padded Bras

The Best Of John TravoltaSeymour Plow-Me-More is hardly in the closet. That is, if you live in L.A. Saying Seymour's gay is like saying Tom Cruise is super into Scientology. It's just a known fact.
So why, then, is SPMM, who happens to look rather fetching in a dress, still shy about his homosexual ways? After all, Plow hardly blushes when he propositions men for sexy time in bath houses. Plus, it's not even like Seymour has a red-hot career to worry about.
Thing is, coming out is über-complicated—as we assure you, outing himself isn't entirely Sey's decision alone. There are far too many people and companies relying on SPMM being this big macho Hollywood man (which we, and America, so aren't buying anymore).

Guess that's the only reason Mr. More is taking extra precautions:
Ritzy spas are hardly the only place Plow-Me-More likes to get his freak on. Just like any married skank in this town, Sey-babe hits the dirty-ass club scene to get his gay on, too.
Problemo is certain folks have Seymour occasionally concerned that people are watching his every friggin' move trying to out him. Like, duh. So what's a gay man with a legacy at stake to do? Well, SPMM made one particular club (since he's such a regular there) install an extra-special private door to give him more discreet in-and-out pun intended.
We just don't know what to do anymore! 'Mour is so desperate to get out of his situation he has going on with the Missus, et al, he will just never do it himself, ultimately.
So, should we break our cardinal rule of no outing?
Seriously, if the fact that Seymour dresses up in drag (it's where he feels quite comfortable) during his alone time isn't a rainbow herring enough, we don't know what is. If it isn't gonna be us doing the dirty work, you bet it's gonna be someone else with a camera and mortgage ready to sell out old S.
We'll play nice for now and let Seymour Plow enjoy his time out of the spotlight. Dude's already been through enough. Unless you all disagree?

And It Ain't: Tom Cruise, Alec Baldwin, Tom Hanks

Here are the links to the previous SPMM blind vices: November 2007, November 2009 including a full list of who has been eliminated, and January 2010.  And here's the latest from Sept 2010.

Top suspect (from last Seymour BVs): John Travolta


Unknown said...

It's Travolta. Two years ago, I met a friend of a friend at a dinner party who was well-to-do and had recently traveled with his father to Florida. They spent some time at an upscale athletic club and who lets his towel drop in front of the young man in the changing room? Travolta--who he says is well endowed. Minutes later, Trav approached the young, married friend--who was incredulous at the brazenness. He quietly excused himself from the situation.

sistah2 said...

Yes its Travolta. I guess he should just come out already, but Ted implies the Scientologists are against it.

The Spie said...

Sistah: Yeah, you might say that. Hubbard said that homosexuals were one of the groups of people that should be "disposed of, quietly and without sorrow". Google "Hubbard Tone Scale" if you want proof. And if Hubbard said it, the Scis believe it without question.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Is Seymour Plow-Me-More Robin Williams?

Dear Great Guess:
You're off, darling, but not by too much!"

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I don't need to tell you that being gay doesn't exclude one from loving their family, perhaps even their BFF's wife. Please do not consider outing Seymour Plow-Me-More! Let some low-rent pap out him—they already have! If a reputable columnist were to out him, it would be earth-shattering. If Seymour is who I think he is, he has a reputation for good works and cherishes his family. No one in Hollywood cares that he is gay, his wife doesn't care that he is gay, but Middle America sure will! Do you really want to see him embroiled in a Tiger Woods-type scandal? Tiger Woods may have had it coming, but it doesn't sound like Seymour has been as dishonest with the people who love him. If you are going to break the outing taboo, why don't you start with someone young and unattached who has been enough of a scoundrel to keep us from feeling sorry for them.

Dear Talkin' the Talk:
Don't worry, Seymour's secret is still safe with me. But don't count on the fact that everyone close to Mr. More knows the truth. Doubtful the kids do. Definitely agree with you on the Middle America part, though. Isn't that the main reason most of these closeted stars stay hidden?"

blurry vice said...

Interesting that he says "kids" (plural) above. John Travolta lost his son last year so he now only has a daughter, correct?


Anonymous said...

Blurry: I completely agree, what's up with Ted using the plural in that bitch-back?!? Feels disrespectful to use the word "kids" in his response if, in fact, this is actually Travolta. That may have been a pretty huge clue for Seymour being someone other than Travolta... damn, I'm going to have to re-read these, yet again lol

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
So tell me about Seymour Plow-Me-More's relationship with his wife. I picture it as a kind of Will & Grace closeness. Would you agree? Love ya! P.S.: I am the proud owner of a rescue kitty!

Dear Palling Around:
There's got to be a degree of friendship to get through the public sham, right? Otherwise no one would believe it—you know, how very obvious some showmances can be."

Caz1310 said...

Considering the grief JT has experienced of late, leave him in the closet. The fallout would be too much, especially with the Scientology nutters on his case as well. Choose someone more deserving.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Do many closeted stars marry their beards? Seems a bit extreme to go as far as marriage, but I suppose stranger things have happened. Is this a common practice?

Dear Duh:
Um yes, have you read the column before?"

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
The Travoltas announced their pregnancy over the weekend, and you have not said one word about it. I've been stalking the A.T. website to read your two cents about it. Please share your thoughts!

Dear Stork Watch:
Very happy for them both. They've had plenty of crap in their lives lately, and I'm happy something brighter's on the horizon for them, especially since John loves kids."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
My family rescued 3 abandoned kitties while on vacation at the beach, including one starving from a fish hook caught in her mouth, so I hope you can answer this... Many people ask if many actors marry their beards, but my question is why? Plenty of people 'in the real world' date for years but never marry, so why are so many actors forced to take that step when the majority of fans don't know (or believe rumors) that they are gay? Thanks!

Dear Sealed With A Kiss:
Any H'wood hunk can date a chick but that dude marries her, he must be straight, right? At least that's what these fellows want you to believe. Marriage makes it seem legit and the groom that much more hetero, so what's a couple lies (you know…those vows and whatnot) when you can get a huge image boost? And thanks so much for your rescue efforts!"

BROOKE said...

I'm sorry but I do not understand why stay married all this time and bring kids into a sham? One would think that Kelly would want a man to love her physically. I can understand staying in the marriage a few years but you'd think at some point she'd want a real relationship, sort of like Nicole Kidman, if we beleive TC is gay. I can't imagine having kids the old fashioned way with someone that I knew wasn't attracted to me and also why put yourself in harm's way considering it's known he sleeps around? I don't see what's in this for her except maybe money but that doesn't seem like enough.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Does Seymour Plow-Me-More's significant other have a few crazy secrets of her own that we need to air out?

Dear Dirty Laundry:
She's married to Seymour friggin Plow-Me-More, of course she's got some secrets! Like kinda girlie ones."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Your Blind Vices are what keep me glued to your site. I'll be the first to admit that I'm absolutely horrible at guessing them. I really have no clue. But feel I know Seymour Plow-Me-More, and I've been cheering for him to come out. Really, I've been so excited thinking any minute he'll throw off those damned chains. Go, go, go, Seymour! But Seymour is not coming out of the closet anytime in the foreseeable future, is he?

Dear Cheerleader:
Heck no, not unless you drag him out, kicking and screaming. But don't be fooled: Deep down inside, Seymour would love to be forced out."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Love the good work you do for animals. Unfortunately my mom became allergic so we can't have cats anymore, but we found a nice home for our old cats. I'm kinda curious about the workings of those fake marriages and relationships. Has an arranged marriage in Hollywood ever lead to the couple having kids? And I don't mean adopting them.

Dear All the Way:
Oh yes, babe. Of course!"

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
How's a girl supposed to know who is bi, gay or otherwise when it seems like even the ones long suspected of same-sex shenanigans are shacking up and having babies? One of your old timer Blind Vices just announced a baby on the way and I was sure he was gay and used to be with a famous beard. I mean at this point I wouldn't be surprised if Grey Goose and his beard announced a marriage and a kid on the way, and now you're saying the oh-so-gay Parrish Maguire (nice name by the way) is doubting his gayness! Please! Seriously!

Dear Miss Mariss:
That's the problem with assumptions about my Vices—you never quite really know who they are, do ya? And unless they out themselves, that Hollywood-encompassing Venn diagram of gay and nay isn't gonna happen. To quote the greatest pop star of our time (Adam Lambert), Whaddya want from me!?"

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
You've said that sometimes gays and their beards are friends, and sometimes they even enjoy the on-the-job "benefits" that come with the gig. Often in life, "benefits" lead to unexpected "blessings." Do you think any of the beards ever liked the position, status, money that comes with the relationship that they arranged for the "unexpected blessing" on purpose to make their position permanent? Do the players ever get played?

Dear Good One:
Yes, your imagined scenario has come to pass. But it's truly rare."

blurry vice said...