Dominant + Submissive Relationships / Domination + Submission Life

Dominance + Submission Letters to the Editor 13 Nak

Hi Cinders,

As far as a detachment, do you mean the saying “ladies first” in the sense that the subreceives the pleasure before the Dom?

Not at all.  I am talking about ‘loss of control’ on the Dom’s side of things.  And this is the same whether you are talking about male/female, male/male, female/male.

If you are the Dom, or Dominatrix, you have been ‘given’ the responsibility to create a Dominant/Submissive situation by the Submissive, which, under any circumstances involves some form of risk of injury, pain, restraint.  Once this ‘power’ has been given over, the Domneeds to behave accordingly, and put the safety of the situation first, before their own sexual gratification.

Implicit in this, ofc, is that fact there there is sexual gratification in being the Dominant on various levels. But to become selfish to the point of ignoring the overall situation (potential injury, pain, restraint, etc) is not acceptable on any level. That was the point I was trying to make. Loss of control is a risk that whomever is taking to role of the Dominant (master,dom, whatever) regardless of being male or female cannot make. Just too dangerous. Anyone who has had experience in this aspect of the role of the Dom will understand.

Is it usually a male/female relationship or can it also be same sex? 


When you mention making a “fake” profile, what exactly do you mean? 

Take your first steps lightly, and cover your ass at the start. There will be plenty of time to reveal deeper and more personal information as time goes by. As to geographical info, stick with general regional rather than too granular details.  This way you will be able to find out activities and group meets in your general region, if you are interested in meeting people in real life, which I would suggest as a possible next step. FetLife publishes those meets on a regular basis.

As the concept of ‘fake’.  I only say that relative to names and specific identifiers. It is important to come as close to the truth when you are filling out forms of what your are interested in, what are you like, dislikes etc.  The bast way to create fiction in the Online World and get some return on you investment of time is to be as close to the truth as possible.  I would hedge slightly higher in your age, depending on how confident you are in your ability to see through bullshit.  😉

The previous relationship you were in, as her being your first sub and I know you had mentioned that she introduced you to it, can a sub be a teacher and teach a Dom?

lol ~ That was the point I was making.  The best Doms are the ones who have initially been trained to be Doms by a Sub.  In any given situation, the only power that the Dom has is the power given over to the Dom by the Sub.

when it comes to “performing” are there clubs that are like that? I mean a place to actually kinda watch?

Yes.  But these kind of clubs are hard to find, as they are usually private, and by invite only.  You would have to reach out and find a group of people following this type of scene.  FetLife would e a great place to start with this kind of research. You find ppl meeting in groups (Munches) and ‘private clubs’ usually in greater metro areas.

When in this kind of relationship, is it I guess “okay” to still use condoms?

I think at that start of any sexual relationship, short or long, that this is essential. KY Jelly and/or Astroglide is your friend, and you should always have something like that around if you are having any sort of casual or serious sexual relations with condoms, as a good water based lubricant is the only way to have enjoyable sex with condoms, fyi.  Taking care of yourself from STDs and unwanted pregnancies is key, and the only person who can really make this happen in any situation is you. Pulling out the condoms + the lube states clearly to anyone that you are an adult and you have your own best interests in mind.

I don’t take being intimate lightly with someone; I guess you could say I’m a bit old fashion when it comes to that.

Personally, I can’t have a good time sexually anymore unless I am very intimate emotionally. There was a time where I was really just into sport fucking when I lived in NYC, and I did have a great time for a while there, but I bought condoms by the case, and I always had a big tube of KY jelly nearby, as the only way I would have sex was with a condom.

Times changed for me, and I think times have changed as well.  Stick to your belief and principles, because without that you have nothing. Understand though, not every time you have sex with someone it is going to work out past a night of sensuality and ecstasy. People, ofc, are human, and they fail to deliver, they do not rise to expectations, or they are just lying sociopath fucks. At a certain point, you do have to take a leap of faith here and there. Everyone has needs, and beyond having a great big orgasm (with a lover, not just yourself), the need for physical intimacy is part of the human condition. Trust, when broken, can be a heartbreaker, but I do believe that it is better to have loved and lost, than never have loved before.

Also, I was surprised that I got such a great person when I first e-mailed you. You were the first person I e-mailed and again you’ve been very informative and helpful throughout all my questions.

What a sweet thing for you to say to me, and I thank you for such a fine compliment. It has been a pleasure to have these ‘conversations’ with you.  You happen to catch me during the holiday downtime, as this site does not get that much traffic, and I usually do not have time to go into such detail about these things.  I have a full life, and things have been going pretty well these days.  I did want to make sure though to steer you in the right direction, and there is a ton of bad information out there regarding Dom / Sub as a lifestyle, or just a way to spice up  your intimate relationship.

Even though this has been an anonymous interaction, please let me know how things go for you, as you seem to be a savvy and sensitive person.  One thing I have discovered in this life, though trial and error, is the the opposite of fear is faith.  No not be afraid to go out there and meet some people, find a guy (or girl) that excites you, and give it another shot.



~ Master Nak

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