Jun 1, 2017

Oh Who's This?

I don't know about you fine folks but I would have been fine if Rachel ended this season after her first 1:1 date.

But instead we had 3 dates and lots of drama. 

Chris Harrison showed up to talk to the men about their first impressions of Rachel. 
"I just woke up."
via abc
He told them that he wanted to make sure they were all there for the right reasons, and weren't going to waste Rachel's time. If you're a regular Bachelorette detective like me, you know that's what like to call foreshadowing...and that someone is in fact NOT there for the right reasons. 

The guys talked about how wonderful she was and DeMario talked about how great she smelled. 
Trying to throw us of YOUR scent aren't ya DeMario. 

Chris told them they there was going to be a group date, and approximately 100 names were on the date card. 
Rachel's note said she was looking for "Husband Material." 

The guys rolled up for some football and food,
 and then met up with... 

Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher. 

You read that right. 
Real A List movie stars, Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher, were there to help Rachel find love. 

The Bachelor Franchise is their guilty pleasure and they loved Rachel so much that they got a babysitter and made it happen. 

They weren't just trying to find a good husband for Rachel, they were trying to find a suitable man who could contribute equally to their relationship. 
They said they needed to make sure that her future husband was a guy who had a job AND health insurance. 
They asked who had both of those things and all the guys raised their hands. 
I noticed the, "tickle monster" self identified as employed with insurance, and I'm skeptical. 
I need to see his W2s. 
I mean sure there's probably a tickle monster union, but I need to be sure before he goes and tries to have a sustainable relationship with our girl. 

Ashton wasn't too impressed with the guys, in fact, he didn't think any of them were THE one. 
Mila on the other hand told him to calm down, and that it was only week two. 
Ashton said he knew day one, that she was the one for him. 
Which is adorable. 
But false. 

Because Demi Moore. 

The guys were tasked with a husband/father obstacle course. 
The winner would get extra time alone with Rachel . 
Whaboom ended up winning, 

spiking his baby, 
and underwhelming Ashton with what Mila called his "whazoozoo" 

As everyone picked their jaws off the ground, still reeling from Whaboom's win, the "aspiring drummer" Blake, said he knew just how to take him down. 

Here's the rundown: 
Blake, knows Whaboom, from outside of the show. 
In fact, Blake LIVES with Whaboom's ex-girlfriend.
Whaboom also brought department store make up to make sure he looked great on camera.

Lucas on the other hand, was nice enough, and showed that he wasn't a cartoon character come to life, ALL of the time.
And when confronted about his ex, he stated, that his ex actually thought BLAKE was the insane one.
Blake then said that's why she was getting evicted.
So overall, he seems like a great landlord, and Lucas knows how to contour.

Through all of the non-drama drama, Dean, who looks like " the cute one" in a boy band swooped in...

 and impressed Rachel enough to get the rose.
nailed it
Kinda seems like Ashton was right. 
I can't be sure if the ONE was in that group date. 

Meanwhile back at the house DeMario and Josiah were talking about who was going to marry Rachel. 
DeMario told Josiah that he would let him be the best man, because there was no way he wasn't going to win. 
He was there for Rachel Lindsay. Period. 
*cough cough* there's a clue *cough cough* 

The 1:1 date went to Peter.
The silver fox, from Wisconsin.
But not just with Peter...but with
 Rachel wanted to make sure that Peter was Copper approved.
"Firm handshake. Don't break eye contact."
They hopped (literally in Copper's case) on to the private plane and headed out. 
Copper had a very thoughtful outlook on the whole process. 
He quoted Maya Angelou....
Really wise dog. 
Really wants the best for Rachel. 

Peter said that he and Copper also had a connection, and felt like he could be a good dog dad. 
It was faint, but I'm pretty sure I heard Copper say, "I'll never call you dad!" but it wasn't really addressed. 
To be VERY honest, I would gladly start a dog family with Peter. 

They spent the day at Barkfest, which is probably the most magical date anyone could ever be on. 
They seemed to be vibin' pretty well.
That's what people say right?

At dinner they talked about their gap teeth, and how it added character.
Peter mentioned his last relationship left him in a weird place, and decided to go to therapy. Rachel mentioned that she had done something very similar and it became very clear that the show should end at episode 2 because they're meant for each other.

Rachel gave him the rose, and they headed outside with Copper for one more surprise.

I'm not going to lie, I was very concerned about a dog being at a fireworks date, but they gave him little ear muffs and I watched the rest of the episode through my tears because it was the cutest thing I've ever seen.

I may cry just looking at that picture. 

The final group date was a doozy.

The remaining dudes, minus my #1 love Bryan, met up with Rachel to play a little basketball.
Not just with each other, but with Kareem Abdub Jabar.

After running drills with Kareem, they found out they would be playing against each other, in front of a packed high school gym.
After they suited up, and took the court it was very apparent that they were all terrible at basketball.
Like the Looney Tunes, before Michael Jordan helped them in "Space Jam" were better.

DeMario was the only good player, and really caught Rachel's eye.
So imagine our surprise when a woman wearing a scrunchie on her wrist told Rachel,

that DeMario was her boyfriend.
Apparently they had been dating for six months, and then one day she just stopped hearing from him, and then suddenly saw him telling Rachel he wanted to wife her.
She also said that he still had keys to her apartment.

Rachel thought the best way to get to the bottom of everything was to bring DeMario out.
When she went back to the locker room to get him, the guys, and probably DeMario thought that he was getting the rose.
However he was greeted by....

He did his best y'all.
He did.
He tried so very hard to act like he was surprised, but an actor he is not.

Quickly he realized that he couldn't pretend and just went for the ole, "She's psycho" defense.
He asked if he could pull Rachel away and talk privately, because this was "real life stuff."
Rachel said, no because all of this was real life stuff to her and they were going to talk with her there.
He said that they weren't dating anymore, and that she was too crazy.
She swore on her father's graves, and two kittens sleeping her apartment, that he was still sleeping with her before he left for the show.

I don't know about you, but I'm gonna trust the girl with the scrunch swearing on her father's grave, that she's telling the truth.
She also swore on BOTH kittens.
It's real.

He continued to deny, but...whew.
She brought texts.
And we were all...

DeMario said that no matter what, he wanted to be there.
Rachel said she believed him, but he didn't want to be there for her.
Then she told him to get the f-ck out.
She stormed off, and it seemed like she didn't want to talk to anyone.
Not even Chris Harrison.
Who seemed a little guilty.

We know you knew Chris.
We aren't pleased.

Rachel went into the locker room and told the remaining guys, that they needed to leave if they weren't there for the right reasons, and everyone was shook.
They thought he was getting extra time with her, not sent home!

They stepped up their games though during the cocktail party.
I mean it got deep.
Talking about love languages and stuff.
Josiah ended up getting the group date rose, and reminded himself to text DeMario when he got his phone back, to tell him he could be HIS best man.

During the cocktail party, Rachel met with the guys.
Bryan cracked her back.

Some did magic tricks.
It seemed like it was business as usual.
Then security got a call there was someone at the gate.
It was DeMario.

He was back to explain himself.
As Rachel, went to go to talk to him...

the guys heard that he was there
and decided to storm the driveway and tell him to beat it.
All we were left with was a
To be continued...

What did y'all think?
Are you team, end the season and marry Peter?
Or are you, #copperforbachelor? 

Let me know in the comments! 

images from abc.com


  1. After careful consideration, I have to go with Peter, though maybe once we see Bryan some more, I'll change my mind.

    What a good recap. Can't wait until next week! :)

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