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Suitable amount ?

(47 Posts)
ninathenana Tue 20-Jan-15 12:27:13

24 yr old DS is still at home, he claims JSA he gives me £40 per month ( he paid more when working)
I expect him to buy his own 'treats' biscuits and fizzy drinks on top of that and get cross when I go to the cupboard and things I expected to find are gone.
He never goes out so has no other expenditure.

soontobe Tue 20-Jan-15 12:33:42

He gets £57 per week?

I would probably ask for £50 with the add on that he definitely tries and finds work.

Tricky situation though isnt it?

Elegran Tue 20-Jan-15 12:43:28

No, you are being very reasonable. What does it cost to feed a hungry 24 year-old? £10 a week? I doubt it. More like £20.

He also uses up the toilet rolls and kitchen rolls, uses the sheets and towels, has a heated bedroom and constant hot water, and his housework and laundry are done for him, not to mention all the little things that you don't even notice you are doing.

Does he do things to help? Replacing lightbulbs, putting out the bins, clearing snow and sweeping paths, getting shopping, minor DIY jobs and so on?

Mishap Tue 20-Jan-15 13:26:47

A difficult one. My DD was at home at the age of 19 studying with the open college for an extra A level. At that time she did qualify for what was then Supplementary Benefit. We did not charge her for anything at all. She kept all her benefit.

When to charge members of the family is always tricky and does to some extent depend on how well off the parent is, and how much the child is getting in benefit or earnings.

Personally if I could afford to I would not ask for any financial contribution if they were on benefit, but would expect in return that they would pull their weight around the house.

janerowena Tue 20-Jan-15 13:46:00

I suspect that this issue is about to rear its ugly head in our house in a year or so. DS works part-time but could never afford in a million years to pay rent where he currently is, unless he finds a full-time job. And if he comes back home transport problems are going to prove expensive.

I think maybe I shall get him to give me most of any benefit he receives and use it to pay for car insurance. He has passed his test but at that time the insurance was around £3000 pa.

Anya Tue 20-Jan-15 13:54:22

Try to get him out of the house either a part-time job it voluntary work. If I was at home all day everyday I'd be raising the biscuit barrel and drinking tea all day. He is in danger of get completely stuck into this way of life and that will cause far more problems than emptying your cupboards.

Anya Tue 20-Jan-15 13:55:09

it or voluntary wirk.

Anya Tue 20-Jan-15 13:56:05

raising raiding ....gggrrrr

Anya Tue 20-Jan-15 13:56:44

wirk work. Think I need a biscuit!

Riverwalk Tue 20-Jan-15 14:10:09

Nina £40 sounds reasonable to me in the circumstances - you say he paid you more when he was working so it's not as though you're trying to teach him to be responsible, budgeting, etc.

Jane I assume your son is at university - is it likely he'll be on benefits when he finishes?

ninathenana Tue 20-Jan-15 14:22:59

DS has personality problems and is possibly on the spectrum plus our location makes finding work very difficult.
No he doesn't do any of that Elegran he will help DH when asked but assumes they're DH's jobs. He washes up occasionally but that's only stuff that can't go in the dishwasher.

Flowerofthewest Tue 20-Jan-15 17:11:37

My 30 year old DS pays £50 a week, he used to pay £30 but when his dad was in hospital he upped it and has never reduced it. He also often buys his own food, treats etc. He is on a low wage and has lived away from home for 7 or so years so knows the value of things, he also pays a 1/3rd towards Virgin bill. Whereas my eldest DS, when he had his first proper job, asked me quite rudely when I told him he would have to pay his way now. "How much child benefit did you used to get for me?""£6.40 a week" I replied, "Well that kept me didn't it?" needless to say he got a flea in his ear for that one.

Flowerofthewest Tue 20-Jan-15 17:14:27

I am sure my sister used to charge her son 2/3 of his benefit as he was, as others have said, using hot water, heating, toiletries, food etc. She thought that reasonable. He soon got a job.

NotTooOld Tue 20-Jan-15 17:53:33

We've always charged our children something when they've been resident, not in uni holidays obviously but if they've been earning we've thought it important that they pay their way commensurate with their earnings. We're lucky in that neither of them stayed long and now both have good jobs, families and homes of their own. I sympathise with those who's children are just not able to move on. It's difficult for parents and children, I'm sure. I hope things improve for you and your son soon, ninathenana.

oldgirl2 Tue 20-Jan-15 18:09:39

My ds came back home last year aged 24 and was able to get a good job straight away. As we don't have mortgage now it doesn't take too much to run a home so we gave him his first year free and he now pays £100 monthly, we buy all food & drink. He is a good cook and cooks one evening meal a fortnight, I usually do the laundry but he will use the washing machine...does not enjoy ironinggrin. He has not got responsibility for any chores and it is a pleasure to have him home.

Juliette Tue 20-Jan-15 18:16:46

When my DD started work in the early nineties we made her responsible for the 'phone bill. It made her realise from quite early on that if a bill came in it had to be paid, she always paid it and gave her a sense of responsibility which I don't think she would have got had she just paid a set amount each week and she did use the 'phone more than anyone else. Of course it wouldn't work today with mobiles etc. Poor DD still complains today about DS having it 'easy' as he left home at 19 and was only here during holidays, 'treated like a lord' apparently, sigh!

tanith Tue 20-Jan-15 18:41:52

Its gets even more complicated when your 45yr old daughter moves in after a long term relationship break up and needs to save for a deposit on a studio flat... we really didn't want to take money from her but she has insisted on paying us £50 per week, the only good thing is she takes care of herself entirely. Its nice to have her but I will be glad when she's gone and I get my spare/computer room back grin

I don't think you are being unreasonable nina its only seems fair to me.. I hope he has luck finding a job sooner rather than later..

FlicketyB Tue 20-Jan-15 19:08:01

When I got my first holiday job my parents charged me £1.00 a week for my keep and made it clear to me that it wasn't that they needed the money but on a point of principle if I was earning money I should pay towards my keep.

We applied the same principle to our children and they always knew we would. It is nearly 15 years since DS lived at home for six months while working locally. He paid £25 a week. Today I would expect nearer £50. Tanith's daughter has got it right and should be commended for it.

The only time we waived charges was when DS did his PhD at our local university. He didn't get any grants, but the university gave him a bursary for the fees, we offered free board and lodging and he got a part time job in Tesco to cover expenses.

numberplease Wed 21-Jan-15 00:03:07

Our kids always gave me a third of their earnings for board and lodging. Our disabled daughter, who still lives with us, does the same, £70 per fortnight, but in return she gets nearly everything done for her. She also pays a third of the council tax bill, and paid just over a third of the cost of the bathroom makeover. One of my daughters has never taken anything off her 2, they are now 20 and 22, and have no concept of the value of money, and are always skint. How they`ll cope in years to come I have no idea.

mrsmopp Wed 21-Jan-15 16:34:04

I'm going back a few years, but I had an aunt with 3 grown up children, all were working. They used to "tip up" their wage packets and she gave them back some pocket money. I remember thinking it wasnt very fair. Then later when each of them got married, she gave them a big deposit for a house. She had saved the lot for them.
All families are different.

numberplease Wed 21-Jan-15 19:03:05

My husband and myself both handed over our wages every week, and got "spence " back. The weekend of our wedding, I fought for, and won, all my wages, but hubby still only got his £1 off his mother! We went on honeymoon to Blackpool with my £8 wages and his £1 spence! His mother said that every Wednesday night he`d borrow half a crown off her, then pay it back when he got paid on Thursday, in the end she wasn`t sure who owned the half a crown!

annodomini Wed 21-Jan-15 20:04:57

When DS1 went on day release rather than full-time further ed, inevitably I lost his child benefit which he made up with his wages.

rubysong Wed 21-Jan-15 20:57:10

When I lived at home and was working a third was considered the amount for board and lodging but I think you have it right in the circumstances. I old his job hunt goes well and you can persuade him to get out and about a bit more.

durhamjen Wed 21-Jan-15 21:01:11

Nina, have you looked at as you say he is possibly on the spectrum.
They have info for parents and adults, and you will probably be able to find out if there is any extra help to find a job for him.

Flowerofthewest Wed 21-Jan-15 21:05:14

My first wage was £4 12/- I used to give my parents £1 10/s a week. I suppose that was roughly 1/4 of my wages. I was able to clothe myself and have a social life, also purchase a long dark green leather coat from a catalogue for 5/- a week.