and the crazy continues...

Ok...Two things.

1.  Still waiting for the move out to happen.  The Tax rush is now completely forgotten!  "Oh we'll get that done later" Huh?   Today  Laugh your socks off (not) was when I asked him.  1. Are you paying the rent today? 2. Are you paying the phone today 3. STOP You're asking me a lot of ? and I haven't finished my coffee.  This was at 10 am after he'd been up since 7:30 and no he did not make this coffee I picked it up on my way back from dropping the kids off.  He COULD have made coffee, but nope.  I was soooo angry.  I just shut my mouth.  he got out of my car and went to work and it was like the top of my head was going to blow off!.  I mean..the money thing get s me.  We were evicted THANKS TO HIM so I check up on it.  He won't make a budget, won't give me a list of what bills we have do/and when. Changes the passcode on the bank statement online so I can't access. (changes it DAILY!!) I try to have a money talk with best he can focus for 10 minutes and then gets "bored" (which I think is bullsh&t and a way to control the situation) So today..I need to check..Rent, Phone, how much for groceries?  I only got answers to 1 and 2 so I did not go grocery shopping today, skipped it.  We have some Chili left and some eggs/waffles etc..Not a desperate emergency but we are expecting snow and I'd rather get it in the house NOW.  Tonight he calls me for a ride home as the weather is filthy I picked him up and then he dropped me off and went clothes shopping!  WTF?  WTF!!!!  Just told me...oh I'm going to run out and get some stuff, shirts/pants...I need some shoes etc.  I find I am angry and mad AGAIN..  I didn't buy groceries because I'm afraid of going over and spending. (I do have an emergency account-MINE- with a few hundred bucks in it) but I don't want to spend emergency money when the family account is where the groceries should come from.  Then to hear he is going shopping!  I mean great and all for him.  I'd appreciated 5 seconds MORE conversation...F(((ker could ask me to pick him up a coffee, take him to work, pick him up after work, but 3 ?'s about our financial how much money do we have for groceries was too much.   See I get enraged just thinking about it...which leads me to my second issue.

2.  My anger. :(  

I find that I am starting to be really enraged at the drop of a hat.  I mean like the Starbucks coffee lady mixed up my drink..I got so mad I started to shake.  WTF!  Like any little annoyance seems to open up this black door and behind it is a towering tsunami of RAGE/Anger!  I think it might be me displacing the anger on other situations because I don't feel like I can say ANYTHING to my soon to be ex so I just stuff it away.  I was married a Looong time..with lotsa stuffin going on because anything I said was regarded as an attack and boy howdy did the nasty mean things come out then.  BUT in all honesty I know I am leaving him soooo why should I feel such rage?   Am I angry at how I allowed him to treat me?  OH YES, but that is my fault.  I might not have known it at the time , like gee what did I do wrong (this time), but the truth is I let him become this nasty dictator.  So why am I angry?  I do know that at times I will think of a past situation and just shake with rage.  Yes, I know it is not productive and I should move on but I seems to experience it NOW.  Why is this?  Does stuffin your feelings, biting your tongue, dropping the issue, moving forward, choosing my battles etc....all lead to a very nasty consequence?    I used to smile, giggle, laugh but that all stopped, oh not when I had sick kids, or became poor, or my soon to be ex began yelling..nope it was when I walked up to him giggling and was telling him a joke while laughing and he snarled at me.  Grow up...when you can talk like an adult come see me.  Giggling makes you look stupid.   Well..that sure put a damper on not things.  It put a damper on me.  BUT again "I" allowed this crap.  I would ask him to treat me better but he always had a good reason why I wasn't allowed to be human.  I feel angry and bitter.   This is gotta stop as it will do me no good to have this kind of attitude.  I mean he is why am I feeling so nasty?  Do I want him to stay?  My stomach clenches at the thought.  No...I want him to go BUT I want him to ACKNOWLEDGE to me that he was wrong.  That I am/was an excellent person.  Ha!  wishing for the moon here and why would I care anyway?..oh other than the fact that it was soul crushing to have a husband who despised the very ground you walked on.  I kid you not.  I once went grocery shopping and when I cam back ALL the locks were engaged.  Deadbolt and all so even though I have a key I have to knock and wait for him to open the door.  NO MATTER When.  So I was waiting and the door pops open and when he see's me he rolls his eye and sneers at me.."oh it's you"...Now years later i know he must have known since 1> I was coming right back 2. We have a peephole  Why treat someone who actually LOVES you like dogsh*t?  Is it a control issue?  Is it because his life is so crappy in so many ways at least he can feel better than his stupid wife?    Sometimes I feel like if I can just solve this mystery than I won't be mad anymore.  Like what was it that I did that made me so disgusting to him?  Other times I get so enraged because I think he shouldn't have done it and since I don't have a vested interest in walking on eggshells anylonger I can feel my feelings.  

Wow...crazy head tonight.  Has anyone else experienced this type of anger and how did you deal with it?  I'd really prefer not to go on meds.  I did the depression meds for a while until I realized that they only allowed me the capability of absorbing MORE abuse from him.    Truthfully.  I am so angry at myself for letting things get to this point and at him for sigh...I guess for having ADHD.   

If anyone can let me know how they did it and moved on forward past a divorce I'd truly appreciate it. 

The real joke was that he accused me of having someone else. ROFLMAO  Oh my g-d...I am almost 50...I've gained 50 lbs and my hair is just going grey at the speed of light...I was dumfounded.  I looked at him and just said..What are you crazy? You think I'd want another go-round of this crap?  The sad truth is that I feel that I a finished//washed up.  I can't imagine I will every share my life with another person at this point.  I feel really icky about myself and don't thinkI have the ability to attract anyone NOR AM I HEALTHY ENOUGH at this point to do so.  Mentally that is.  I know that I am swirling through an emotional ripe tide that I sincerly pray will stop soon.    Maybe when we actually sign the divorce papers? 

Thanks for listening