Monday, March 16, 2015





















But so hard.



  1. My heart broke for you reading this. I don't have much to suggest as I have never been in a situation like what you're describing. I believe that if you wouldn't want your daughter or sister to be in a relationship like the one you're describing then you shouldn't either-both for yourself and for what you model for your kids. I think you should talk with a lawyer and start planning an exit strategy. This might involve transferring programs to be closer to family if they can help with childcare. Because of the logistics of residency, it could take you a while to figure out a plan that is acceptable and things will be hard. However, I truly believe that things can be a lot better for you than what you're describing. What you want matters. Being happy matters.

    My second recommendation might he hard since much of your free time is spent with your kids. If your medical school offers student counseling, that might be a good thing to avail yourself of in the time before residency.

  2. Right now, you only know that he has told you laws would favor him. But you are the main source of income right now. How much better could you support your family without him and if you actually had help? Talk to a lawyer stat and find out where you are coming from. Right now he is manipulating you and you need facts. Plus your sleep deprivation is almost certainly clouding your entire outlook.

    Also if your family would be good support for you please talk to them! I also agree with counseling.

    I hope you find a good solution!

  3. Absolutely agree with the recommendations above. I also wonder about seeking the counsel and support of an advocate at an intimate partner violence (i.e. domestic violence) agency. I've learned that there are so many ways for a partner to be abusive that don't involve physical abuse. You, and your children, deserve so much better than this relationship. Also recommend keeping a log (somewhere that he can't access) of any threatening he does, and of who does what regarding taking care of your children.
    Sending you thoughts of courage and strength.

  4. 1) Get an IUD
    2) Talk to a lawyer and find out what your rights are. Maybe your mom can help you with this.

    I dated someone like this years ago. THANK GOD we did not reproduce. I've been planning on writing about my feelings about being trapped after I had my daughter. I think it's pretty common, but nobody ever really talks about it. On the bright side, a) you are going to be a doctor, and b) you have a supportive family. Some people have neither. I know it seems bleak now, but you will get through this.

  5. TALK TO A LAWYER. Talk to a lawyer … talk to a lawyer … talk to a lawyer. … And if you don't like that person, talk to another lawyer.
    I skimmed this post because it's long but I get the drift. And I commiserate. On the other hand, I think in some ways your husband is acting reasonably and it's time for you to do the same. Whatever his (many, many) personal flaws, he has provided a lot of the childcare, he recognizes your marriage is flawed and perhaps doomed, and he recognizes that many states favor the mother. He also realizes he has a good argument for custody. All the other information you give is good evidence that you should divorce, but it is not at all related to the task at hand, which is protecting your own case for custody or, maybe joint custody. Frankly, I think in this light his behavior is in no way conducive to a good marriage, but exactly what I would have advised a female friend to do. So it's time for you to act rationally and do the same. … You need a lawyer, and probably to interview a few to find a good one. I actually think it's reasonable, if you are on the road to divorce, to try to stay in the same state where you can establish joint custody, etc. I don't think his pushing for this is necessarily bad for you. I realize that you have worked hard and deserve your pick of programs, etc. But you also deserve to have your career in a place where you can be a parent to your children. … Let the other students worry about getting their dream program. You are a mother, you have to balance lots of demands, you are good at that. Now get to work balancing. So look at the facts. You have a marriage that is crumbling and a "partner" who has some valid arguments for custody. Your next step is absolutely to get a GOOD lawyer. Then consider your options as far as the match possibility based on that. Any possibility of a good connection where you are getting you placed outside the match or something creative like that? Or maybe a good connection somewhere else? (But don't pursue anything until you have hired a good lawyer with good references after perhaps interviewing several - have I said that enough times?)

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  7. My ex-husband was just like this--full of criticisms, manipulation, and controlling behaviors. It started little by little while we were dating, so slowly I didn't recognize it, but after marriage it came into full bloom. After a lot of thought and careful consideration, I decided to leave. It was the best decision I ever made, and the moment I did a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I have since found a supportive, loving man and I couldn't be happier. I echo above comment about looking into characteristics of verbally abusive relationships, in which spouses subversively control and manipulate. What helped me make my decision was thinking about what I would like my life to be like in 10 years from now, and what would that older, wiser version of myself tell me to do now? How do you want to model how husbands and wives treat each other for your children? You are just in the beginning of your career and motherhood...there are so many possibilities and opportunities ahead to make your life a happier one. Start taking actions now that will lead you to that future life you envision for yourself.

  8. I have so many thoughts after reading your post....
    First, don't tell yourself any of those "nevers" in your last paragraph. Your path WILL straighten out, but it just might be a while before you get there.

    Now to your situation..... One of my first thoughts while reading was will he really want custody, given how he was before your fourth year. Just something to think about.
    I really believe that you have to figure out your personal life before figuring out your professional life. It sounds like there are options to get into your desired specialty and location. It also sounds like you know what to do with your husband -- even if it's a hard choice, I really think you need to listen to your heart. Even if it means you stay in the same city so you can be around your children, you don't need his abuse in your life.

    Another thought I had.... If you do your residency in the city where your mom lives, will she watch your girls? Even if you can't do your dream residency, that may be something to consider.

    Please remember that YOU ARE STRONG. To get through everything you've been through says so much about your strength. Let your strength carry you through your next steps. And please check back in and let us know how you're doing.

  9. As mentioned above, get an IUD, an attorney, and a full exit strategy, in that order. If things do not improve despite counseling and you choose to stay with someone who manipulates you, with profound disrespect, the two of you together are setting a poor example for your children. Get out while they're still young.

  10. You deserve a better life than this and you CAN have a better life. Hopefully you can pull it all together and realize this is possible. He has emotionally blackmailed you into thinking a different life would be more horrible than the one you are in...but the reality is that it may not be and you will never know unless you allow yourself that reality.

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  12. can you update us on what happened after match day? Also.. I switched specialties/residencies after my intern year which involved relocating.. I was a single mom and moved to be closer to family for help raising my son at the time. If you want more info on the process/ interviewing as an intern / doing residency with kids (esp as a single parent) feel free to email me My heart goes out to you!

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