Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Happy Birthday, L'il Innocent! I Got You Dee-Dubya*!

*Mr. Wilber's Hip Hop name courtesy of Grouchomarxist.

Today is the natal anniversary of much loved Crapper, and much enjoyed commenter Li'l Innocent. Until recently she's kept her birthdate a secret, perhaps hoping to spare herself an Ann Coulter photo, but now that we're dealing exclusively in Sexy Birthday Lizards Li'l has finally come out of the closet. And I'd advise the rest of you guys to follow her example. If you're a Crapper and you know it, clap your hands. Not that I'll hear the sound, thereby making for a needlessly confusing Zen koan, but you might supplement it by dropping your date of birth into comments, or shooting me an email.

Anyway, this has been a lousy week here at chez Crap, and it's about to get a whole lot worse. I won't bore you with the details (N.B., Management reserves the right to bore you with the details), but I haven't had a lot of time to go gift shopping. Fortunately, the Notorious D.W.W. is back in the house.

You may remember Mr. D.W. Wilber, hed instructr of "Secur-Intel-Solutions", from this heartfelt plea that we stop debating gun violence, racial profiling, and the militarization of police, and instead burn Ferguson, Missouri to the ground and sow the scorched earth with salt. Well, today he's back at Townhall to request that we quit dicking around with incremental measures like poll watchers and voter I.D., and just bomb the shit out of the 14th Amendment.
While it’s the right of Americans to have a voice in their government through the power of their vote, in my mind the Democrats’ continuing efforts to make it easier for ‘anyone’ to vote is a direct attack against our national security. If anything, it should be harder for people to vote.
Case in point, Dee-Dubya has to laboriously sound out all the words on the ballot, which can lead to debilitating lip cramps -- which are every bit as painful as the hunger pangs and chillblains our boys suffered at Valley Forge!
There was a time when Americans voted on one day, the first Tuesday in November between the hours of 7AM and 7PM, when the polls officially closed. It was the responsibility of all citizens registered to vote to make it to the polling places on that date and during those hours. Employers were required to give people time off from work in order to vote. If one served in the military or for other reasons was away on election day they voted absentee ballot. There was no ‘early voting’, extended hours, or open registration. One had to be able to prove citizenship in order to register to vote. And one had to be registered to vote at least a month before the scheduled election. Not unreasonable to expect in order to protect the integrity of our electoral process.
Wilber doesn't give America's long history of voter suppression near enough credit if you ask me. He leaves out literacy tests, poll taxes, and lynchings, not to mention the Founding Fathers' denial of the franchise to black men, women of any color, tenant famers, able-bodied seamen, itinerate tinkers, and pretty much anybody without a real estate portfolio.  As Ben Franklin said:
Today a man owns a jackass worth 50 dollars and he is entitled to vote; but before the next election the jackass dies. The man in the mean time has become more experienced, his knowledge of the principles of government, and his acquaintance with mankind, are more extensive, and he is therefore better qualified to make a proper selection of rulers—but the jackass is dead and the man cannot vote. Now gentlemen, pray inform me, in whom is the right of suffrage? In the man or in the jackass?
Dee-Dub is on record as supporting the jackass, although that may just be a case of professional courtesy.
Far too many Americans have fought and bled throughout our nation’s history to protect this right. 
So let's piss on it!  A golden shower will be a refreshing change from all the arterial spray.
Along with protecting the right of people to vote is the obligation to protect the integrity of the vote.
It defames the memory of our Confederate dead to claim they died to support Negro suffrage. Although it is pretty hilarious.
When the people’s voice is overturned through fraud, one is committing a crime against the American people, and against the security of our nation. 
So basically, Carson Daly committed voter fraud to rid the people's voice of both Blessing Offor and Sugar Joans, so he's like Al Qaeda, cubed.  Diced and cubed, even.
We no longer are a government of the people, by the people, and for the people, but instead become a dictatorship. 
And we do it all in the present tense. That takes agility.
A people whose voice is no longer of any consequence to politicians who can steal elections through voter fraud, and simply dictate to us how we are to be governed.
This is beginning to sound like a Coleman Francis movie -- just a lot of random sentences tossed out to help pass the time. "Boys from the city. Not yet caught by the whirlwind of Progress. Feed soda pop to the thirsty pigs."

"Flag on the moon."
As far as I’m concerned those committing and those supporting voter fraud should suffer severe consequences. It is a crime akin to committing treason against this nation in my opinion.
Yeah, but judging by the last column of yours we wasted time on, you think holding up a sign at a protest rally is treason, so I think for now I'll just keep getting my constitutional scholarship from Schoolhouse Rock.
But what about the poor, shouldn’t they have a voice ? The simple answer is that indeed their vote should count for no less just because they’re not wealthy. But their vote shouldn’t count for any more either!
I'm tired of living under the thumb of Big Pauper!
If by choice or by the circumstances of life they find themselves among “the poor”, they improve their circumstances by educating themselves to select the candidate who will do the most to help them improve their station in life. Not by stuffing the ballot box.
Yeah, but what if they educate themselves about our system, realize it's rigged by corporate money, and stuff the ballot box for the candidate who will do the most to help them improve their station in life?

By the way, Wilbur, thanks to a recent rash of medical expenses -- and more to come -- we find ourselves amongst "the poor," so allow me to respectfully suggest you make like a ballot box and get stuffed.
Considering the millions of dollars being fed into political campaigns nowadays, we the people are quickly losing control over the political process. Candidates become beholden to those with the money, and those who bankroll the elections become the ‘voice of the people’.
So basically you're saying that "the rich" are buying elections and "the poor" are fighting back by stuffing the ballot box. The system is working!
It’s time for a national voter ID law, stricter controls over elections, and once again expecting Americans to accept their responsibility as a citizen to educate themselves on the issues and candidates, and to vote on Election Day.
Or vote on Arbor Day and commit fraud. It really depends on your bank balance
Doing less risks our nation’s security.
Given that Wilber presents himself on Townhall as a master of geo-political strategy and the leader of badass army of Hessians, while in the real world he makes his bones supplying mall cops to the local One Potato Two, I was inclined to scoff.  Then I remembered that just today I had a moment of liberal weakness at the polls, and wrote in "Mahmoud Ahmadinejad" for County Assessor.

Anyway, enough of Dee-Dubya. Please join me in wishing Li'l Innocent a very happy and petful birthday.  And of course...
Sexy Birthday Lizard!


Carl said...




Happy birthday, not-so-Innocent!

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Happy B-Day, Lil' I!

What a lizard!

P.S. Wilber doesn't give America's long history of voter suppression near enough credit if you ask me.

Ohio goopers, represent!

Ohio GOP Playbook: When Gerrymandering Isn’t Quite Enough

Columbus Ohio GOP chair, Doug Preis, and close adviser to Ohio Gov. John Kasich, said about limiting early voting. “I guess I really actually feel we shouldn’t contort the voting process to accommodate the urban — read African-American — voter-turnout machine.”

grouchomarxist said...

Happy birthday, L'il! Sorry the electorate gave you such a lousy b'day present, but at least the next few years should be rich in comedic possibilities ...

tony in san diego said...

Well, I am glad at least that he recognizes that this Republican sweep was the result of voter fraud. Not every pundit is going to admit that.

Pere Ubu said...

Many happy returns, Lil'.

"Flag on the moon."
How'd it get there?

And who do I send the vision rehabilitation bill to for that b'day lizard?
God: "What color should I make this lizard? Ah, fuck it - ALL OF THEM!"

Sheri said...

Happy birthday, Lil'- I think I speak for everyone when I say we are glad you were born!

And Scott, I'm sorry to hear that you've chosen to be poor. Next time chose to be a corporation, because they are the best kind of people, and their votes are the countiest!

Seriously, I hope things get better soon.

Kathy said...

Happy Birthday Lil' Innocent, tho I suspect your innocent bloom has been rubbed off by now.

Anonymous said...

ANNTI sez...

"tho I suspect your innocent bloom has been rubbed off by now."

Y'know, K-Dub, you kinda make it sound like she mighta enjoyed that... Depending upon who/m was doing the rubbing, of course, and how well...

Happy Birfday, Li'l Innocent! Hope that you got to blow up SOMETHING for your Guy Fawkes-sharing-day --- can I recommend a coupla joints in Kenfucky, in case you haven't gotten around to the TNT yet? I say we start w/anybody of the surname "Paul" and work our way out from there...

And as much as Jon Stewart enjoys that slow-turtle/old-WB-cartoons-era impression, I seriously contend that "DROOPY" would be MUCH more accurate a portrayal of that fucktard Mitch McConnell, except for the minute exception to the portrayal, that Droopy was capable of having a CONSCIENCE.

And I also severely hope that you got a helluva lot better birfday prezzies than last night's national sold-out clusterfuck. Nobody notices that we've got a RUN-OFF down here in Lousyanner, that it wasn't a COMPLETE republicunt sweep --- wanna come down & register before December? I can see why Scott selected that every-color sexy lizard --- he didn't get to get blotto last night (nor did I) to try and forget the utterly-corporate nightmare that we still mockingly call our "government," so he's punishing you & anybody else who got to drink their cares away... There's GOT to be a reason for THAT much color on ANYTHING.

When I finally do hit that powerball (just like republicunt constitutional amendments to further-institutionalize subcontracting GRAFT in place of the WORKING SOCIAL PROGRAMS that they've been destroying since day one of Reaganomics --- that shit will "WORK" for the "PEOPLE" on the same odds of me hitting the jackpot!), I hope to send you the several years' worth of birfday prezzies that I am so far behind, and then we can crank-up OUR "non-profit PAC" and start buying CongressCritters of our very own!

Bitter? Moi? Non, non, c'est impossible!

M. Bouffant said...

Wow, somebody got an XMAS lizard!

Happy happy, Li'l.

Weird Dave said...

Belated Happy, Ms. Innocent.

Yeah, let's let only landed white men vote. They're the only ones truly worthy.

Meanie-meanie, tickle a person said...

It’s time for a national voter ID law

Indeed. Actually the very last thing the Right wants (unless they can amend it to read "except for all the damn minorities!"), or we'd already have it. Pass the law, get everybody their IDs in a timely manner, and all this shit goes away. There'll be new shit, of course, there always is, but still...

Also too, there are people who *choose* to be among the poor? Wait, I mean "the poor". Wasn't for scare quotes, these jackoffs would be struck mute.

Also three, "no Federal ID number Tyranny! And leave my Social Security Number alooooone!" Jebus. In Conservative Republican Indiana, your SSN is your driver's License number. Other states too, I imagine, because Indiana never struck me as an exceptionally imaginative place...

heydave said...

Happy belated, Li'l!
Now I know why things just seemed to be better yesterday.

Li'l Innocent said...

Thanks, you funny, sweet, liberal people, for those good wishes! And thank YOU, Scott, for (a) reminding me and everybody else what it is we definitely are NOT fighting for (that DW is a sententious self-righteous turd of the first water, ain't he) and also, for a Birthday Lizard of exceptional,, brilliance is too feeble a word!

Assuming the SBL is coloring up for either territorial or sexy reasons, I say he qualifies to be next head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, or the next really exciting Boy Band. I'm sure he could handle it even though there's only one of him.

Anyway, you people are all complete aces with me!! Love you all!

preznit said...

late to the party, politics and a number of laptop issues got in the way (and, no, not the dancing kind ;} so happy belated li'l!

preznit said...

Scott- is it true that NBC has outsourced the peacock's job to that SBL? ;}

Scott said...

Absolutely, Prez. And isn't it about time the symbol of Living Color is both colorful and living?