On kicking him to the curb

Dear Coquette, 

He’s the worst person I’ve ever known and simultaneously the most amazing. He does the worst things you can imagine. Lying, cheating, lying about cheating. Here I am, a smart woman with no illusions about who this guy she loves really is, sticking around and letting him flay her again and again. I could explain why and what I think about it but it’s inconsequential.

Whether or not I have no illusions about him, I must be delusional or hate myself to continue to allow him access to me, right? I guess my question to you is this: Can you love someone who lies to you, hurts you deeply, cheats on you and find some way to make peace with that/be bigger than that, or am I just being another stupid smart person trying to rationalize an emotional dependency?

Of course you can love someone who repeatedly lies to you, hurts you deeply and cheats on you. You can even find a way to make peace with it, but so what? None of that is an excuse to allow the bastard to remain a part of your life.

You know damn well what you have to do. You have to kick him to the curb, but you’re weak. It’s not that you hate yourself. You just don’t respect yourself, and he sure as hell doesn’t respect you either.

That’s what you need to realize and accept: He’s never going to respect you. When he gets caught, he might beg for your forgiveness. He might make romantic overtures. He might even miss you for a hot minute when you break up with him, but you should never confuse any of that kind of behavior with actual respect.

If he respected you, he wouldn’t betray you in the first place, and if you had some self-respect, you wouldn’t tolerate being betrayed. It’s time for you to gather up all your inner strength and stop allowing him access to you. Move on, fall out of love, and learn what lessons you can. Pick better on the next go-round.

You’re in too deep right now to see it, but I promise you’ll eventually realize that he wasn’t simultaneously the worst and most amazing person you’ve ever known. He was just some cheating douchebag who got under your skin.

There’s no shame in that, kiddo. It happens to the best of us.


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