If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.








Don’t buy expensive ‘ribbed’ condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on



Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes’ eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.




A next door neighbour’s car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.



Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you’ve taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower. – B. Johnson, Canada




Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they’re always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc ‘tastes exactly like the real thing’, they won’t know any difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you’d no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of ‘rodeo sex’. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her tits, call her by the wrong
name. See how long you can ‘stay mounted’ for.


Give comics that ‘Pulp Fiction’ feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.


Heavy smokers. Don’t throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you’ll have enough to insulate your loft.

Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.


Convince neighbours that you have invented a ‘SHRINKING’ device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a JCB digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB, unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same descption. Watch their faces in the morning!

Have all your shits at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you’ll also be getting paid for it.

