Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Bachelorette Desiree: Episode 5 Recap

Jazzy cats!

Mama's a lil tired tonight cause I had some wine with family and I've been busy watching Wendy Davis filibuster like a non-peeing wizard on the TX Senate floor, so I'm going to be a bit briefer than usual.  Or at least I'll try.

This week the crew is in Munich, Germany and there will be 3 dates with roses up for grabs on all of them.  A single 1:1 date, a group date, and the dreaded 2:1 date which is the definition of awkward (and makes for hella dope television).

The 1:1 goes to Chris (dude who used to be just a pasty nobody, but emerged kinda late in the game and appears to have a personality despite his penchant for poetry) and he and Desiree explore Munich with just a phrase book.  They laugh over the fact that they have NEVER used maps (huh? Townies for life?) and pose for photos alongside a bizarrely painted, white midget.  Oh Germany, you just never stop living up to your strange German stereotypes, do you? Check the pic:

Chris & Desiree eat sausage, try on lederhosen, dance horribly AND THEN BRYDEN SHOWS UP!?!?  What the EFF!?!?  (Note: Bryden is the Iraq War veteran who recently discovered hair gel and I'm elated that he did.  Also, he's been brooding lately--Brooding Bryden--because he's not sure if he still likes Desiree anymore.  So OF COURSE the producers are like, "why don't you NOT wait until an opportune time to bow out, but rather disrupt the lone 1:1 date to step away from this love contest?)  Brooding Bryden disrupts the bad dance-off (thank goodness) to take Desiree over to some steps and drop her like a hot assed potatoe without bacon bits & sour cream (so really, a potato worth eating--but don't you DOUBT for a MINUTE that I love potatoes cause I'm Irish as shiiiiit! Boston Celtics baby!  I once dated a guy with a fighting Irish tattoo AND 3 Celtic design tattoos, that's how much I love potatoes).  Did anybody else notice that as Bryden approached Des & Chris, we heard the Intervention music (from the KILLER TV show "Intervention" on A&E) from when the subject would be walking into the Holiday Inn or Comfort Inn or whatever for their "final interview"?  I could call that shit at 50 paces!  Desiree handles the dumping well (I mean, gurl got dumped mid-date, how else can you handle it?) and she and Chris drink, then he reads her a vomit-worthy poem.  He gets a rose, they make out, then they dance to a live performance by Matt White, who is, presumably, famous.

Meanwhile back at the hotel suite it's like a meeting of the Hoodie Club and the group date card arrives.  Who are the jags who will be getting 30 seconds of hang time with Desiree if they're lucky?  Juan Pablo (father but more importantly, hot, spicy dude), James (The Don), Kasey (#HowAreYouStillHere), Zak (how is HE still here?), Brooks (dude must be a wicked good kisser cause he reminds me of a dead fish who is somehow also human--but not like, a Merman--just a dead fish/human), Drew (squeaky clean hottie with a jaw that could open a can of sardines if ANYBODY even ate sardines anymore--why do we keep talking dead fish? Cause I'm writing this tipsy & late? PROBSIES!), and last but not least, the man who is my first, my last, my EVERYTHING: MIKEY T!  (Can you tell that I'm setting up for heartache here?)

The group date is a day of fun in the snow (aka my own personal hell) and the crew ride a tram up to the top of a mountain, sing with a yodeler, and obviously received free Ray Bans before this whole event.  Seriously--they looked like a creepy Ray Ban cult.  (If only the Branch Davidians had been so stylish, am I right?)  They went sledding on tiny butt covers that caught speeds the likes of which I haven't seen since National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (when Clark used that new spray on the bottom of his sled and friggin' FLEW).  Post-snow play, the crew retired to an igloo hotel that resembled Superman's home planet from that old 1980s version of Superman (if my memory serves) where Desiree smooched both James and Brooks.  I think that Brooks might be like Arie from Emily's season--a dude who looks like a pasty corpse but must be an AMAZING kisser.  Mikey T. and Desiree get some alone time, during which she asks him if he'd ever leave Chicago and he makes comments about them having 5-10 children.  Yikes.  Desiree has some alone time with Zak (aka Andy from "The Office") and he shares the fact that a decade ago he was on a path to become a Priest, but had an epiphany on a mountain Germany and decided NOT to do that (did your decision to become a reality TV tool come right after that, or later, Zak?  Guess we'll never know).  The crew gathers back in the igloo-style night club and Desiree hands the rose to Brooks, proving again that Desiree's "type" is the opposite of my type.

It's time for the 2:1 date and the two gladiators hate each other (OF COURSE THEY DO): Chunky Swayze (Michael) and Ben (America's worst father).  Chunky Swayze plans to use some of his attorney tactics to expose Ben as a fraud and Ben is just rolling with the punches and insisting that for him faith and family are the most important things.  Yeah, sure they are.  So important that you haven't called your son ONCE in the past 5 weeks and you were the ONLY guy who didn't bother to attend Easter Sunday church service (Chunky Swayze managed to gather that information during cross examination aka hang out time).  The awkward trio suits up in bathing gear and hops in a "Hot Tugg" (not as dirty as it sounds), which is a hot tub that's also a boat that you can zip in on a chilly lake.  Pretty dope, no?  During that Hot Tugg adventure, Chunky Swayze asks perfect questions and gives Ben juuuuust enough rope to hang himself with.  Ben literally says that it was God's plan for him to get his baby mama pregnant but NOT marry her.  

That night over dinner, Chunk Swayze lays it on a LITTLE too thick and Desiree changes the subject, but not before Ben storms out and paces around outside.  Desiree follow him out (OF COURSE SHE DOES) and he explains that he's so thrown off because, as he says, he has "never had someone question my faith... or me as a father."  SERIOUSLY, dude?  NO ONE was like, "oh you're going to showcase your INFANT SON on episode 1 of The Bachelorette and have him walk into the arms of a stranger as your entree into her heart?  Are you sure that's a great idea, father?"  Ben plays the religion & family cards HARD and Desiree straight up laughs in his face.  Then Des and Chunky Swayze have some time alone, during which he levels with her: Ben has talked about his desire to be the next Bachelor and how he could follow in the (pretty shameful) footsteps of Brad (who did The Bachelor TWICE and still doesn't know how to be in a relationship) and use the notoriety to grow his bar business.  Finally it's rose time on the 2:1 and who scores it? CHUNKY SWAYZE!  Aww snap!  Unprecedented! (That was for you, Joanna!)  I was bracing myself for Chunky Swayze to get the Heisman much like that cute blonde who tried to warn Ben that Courtney was Beezlebub (sp? I'm tired & tipsy--you know what I mean--Satan) back during that season (remember her?  The blonde chick--she was a rad scientist, killer body, super cool, and got friggin' HOSED for warning Ben!) and had a target on her own back because of it.  But Desiree's a smart cookie and she tossed out Ben, thank goodness.  He got up & hustled out right away (what a class act!  Didn't bother saying goodbye!), then in the limo he immediately made a comment that he would have been a great next Bachelor ("single father from Texas--are you kidding me?") and then asked the crew where they were going to get drunk.  Ciao!

Finally it's rose ceremony time and information has emerged that James (The Don) is here for the wrong reasons.  Brooks & Drew overheard him say it, so it must be true.  That will come to fruition next week, but in the meantime, what went down at the rose ceremony?  Chris, Brooks, and Michael (Chunky Swayze) already had roses, and who else got 'em?
-Zak (are you KIDDING me!? That dude is the OPPOSITE of HOT or COOL and I don't mean he's lukewarm (also, I don't know how temperatures work): he's a friggin' tool!)
-Kasey (#IsThisAJoke? #GetAHaircut #TakeAValiumThenMaybeYou'llBeLessAnnoying)
-Juan Pablo (guy is hot... but seriously--you think there's a future there?)
-Drew (dude is pure as the driving or driven snow, whatever it is, and I kinda like it)
-James (The Don, who wore a TINY scarf this episode and looked like a monster because of it)

So who's hopping on the 'ole Shitbag Rejection Bus to the AirTran Shuttle (can't use your monthly MetroCard on that one, jerkwad) to a flight on See Ya In Hell Airlines, seat for 1?  MIKEY T!!  Yes yes, my sweet beloved meatball made of dimples and sick biceps.  Somehow Mikey is shocked by this, despite the fact that he never so much as KISSED Desiree.  Aww Mikey.  Go back to Chicago where you will pull tail from South Loop all the way to Wrigleyville.  I hope to see you there this weekend (seriously, I'll be in Chi town doing a set at the Laugh Factory Friday, then at the American Library Association conference--see my "Gigs" page for more info).

Next week Des & the boys jet off to Barcelona for a whole lotta tears!  See you then!  xoxo

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Bachelorette Desiree: Episode 4 Recap

We're down to lucky 13 dudes and this week's theme is like a combination of that DOPE song by Bruce Springsteen ("Meet Me Tonight in Atlantic City") and that episode of Sex & the City when the ladies take a road trip and Charlotte dresses like a white trash sluuuuuut, Samantha's expectation that Richard will cheat on her gets the best of her, Carrie eats a bunch of salt water taffy and has unruly curls, and Miranda... oh man I can't remember, but she probably does something wildly boring OR she finally lets loose.  Either way, it was Bachelorette party time in AC, baby!  ATLANTIC CITY!

The first 1:1 date goes to Brad (has a kid and a lil' bit of a criminal record but it's TOTALLY NOT HIS FAULT, guys! Those domestic violence charges were bogus!) and the note says "let's let our love shine through" so you know what that means?  Chilling in a lighthouse!  But first, Desiree and Brad tackle a montage's worth of requisite boardwalk date activities: they ride a slingshot nightmare trap thing, they ride a rollercoaster, they walk along the boardwalk, and generally engage in enough activities to hide the fact that Brad is boring and Desiree is a poor man's Katie Holmes without even the (minimal) personality of friggin' Katie Holmes.  They bust into a candy factory (what is this, a bland version of "I Love Lucy"?) and I'm sure the staff is THRILLED that these two lovebirds are NOT wearing regulation hair nets while they snatch chocolate candies right off the conveyor belt.  Do what you want, jags!  Brad and Des enjoy cocktails by a ridiculous sandcastle (see below) but Brad's "personality" just doesn't exist, so Des dumps his baby daddy ass at the top of a lighthouse.  Brad walks back down the stairs alone and then cries.  Peace out, pussycat.

(Yes, I still use an old school cathode ray tube style TV--what's it to you!?!??!?!!??!)

Up next is a group date and the posse is Brooks (SO effeminate STILL!), Bryden (Operation: I-Sexy Freedom), Zack K (Chuck Taylors), Kasey (#PleaseShutYourFace), Drew (squeaky clean hottie), Juan Pablo (Foreigner is a rad band and this dude is a hot foreigner), Zak W (his existence is a friggity JOKE!), Mikey (hell yes I LOVE YOU FOREVER my sweet meatball), Michael (Chunky Swayze lookin' good), Chris (he's growing on me), and Ben (lawdy lawdy the worst guy ever--get a SINGLE angular feature, wouldja?).  They report to downtown AC and learn that they will be participating in a Mr. America pageant in front of a live audience!  They're in good hands, though: they will be trained by a hot blonde (what what) who is the present Miss. America (of course she is--BLONDES RULE!) and a lovely, uber gay pageant coach guy.  The dudes practice for the assorted challenges: interview, talent, and swimsuit.  Perhaps they were feeling inspired by their gay pageant coach because most of the guys went for VERY effeminate talents: dancing, baton twirling, and general high heel wearing for no reason (Chris).  In the interview portion we learn that Juan Pablo has a daughter (odd time to drop that tidbit, JP) and that Mikey T wants the world to know that he's a sensitive guy deep down (how about you keep that to yourself and just keep showing off your tats, mmmmK?).  Ben performs a ribbon dance (what is this, Get In Shape, Girl?), Drew recites the most cliched Shakeapeare scene ever (friggin' Romeo & Juliet), Bryden thrusts his junk directly into the face of Atlantic City's mayor (one of the judges), and Zak W (aka Andy from "The Office") plays a heartfelt love song on the guitar.  At the end of it all, Kasey (hashtag tool) wins the contest and the prize is nothing--CONGRATS, KASEY! #EatShit

At the Mr. America after party, pretty standard stuff goes down: Ben reminds America that he's not here to make friends, all the other guys stew over how much they hate him, Zak W remains clueless about how much is too much and serenades Desiree further.  At the end of it all, Desiree decides to give ZAK W. the rose and BLOWS MY MIND!  Talk about a pity rose for a guy who she thinks is "just a super NICE guy!"  Blech.

The final date is a 1:1 between Desiree and James (The Don) during which they witness the devastation that Hurricane Sandy wrought all over New Jersey.  It was pretty sad to look at all of those destroyed homes, but that didn't stop James from being wicked handsy with Des.  They took a walking tour of Seaside Heights with a woman from the Red Cross and even met a sweet couple (Manny & Jan) whose home was wrecked by Sandy.  Desiree and James gave that couple their romantic date (of COURSE they did!) and the couple went off for a lovely dinner in AC while Des and James ate at a pizza place nearby.  During dinner, James admitted that he had cheated on his ex-girlfriend and gave himself a LOT of credit for experiencing a broken heart (of his own doing? Huh?) from that situation.  They met back up with Manny and Jan and the two couples headed into a ballroom to see a performance by country music's newest "hit", Darius Rucker!  Yes, the dude from Hootie & the Blowfish--I KNOW!  Oh man I want to give him a chance, but I don't know.  I love me some country, but Darius Rucker?  Seriously?  Manny and Jan slow dance to Darius Rucker like they've heard of him while Desiree gives James a rose.  Both couples end up on the dance floor and do a little "keys in the bowl switcheroo" (not quite, but how NUTS would that have been?) and Manny dances with Des while Jan dances with The Don.  Intergenerational mixing & mingling!

Finally, it's almost rose ceremony time and the group of 12 dudes (since Brad got the Heisman) will be pared down to (this one goes to) 11 by night's end.  Bryden is having doubts, which the producers are LOVING. During cocktail hour, Chunky Swayze trots out a corny game using the letters of Desiree's name to describe Desiree (have you been getting dating tips from a 5th grader, buddy?) and Bryden admits that he's been struggling.  Dude, if you can make it through serving in Iraq, you can survive sharing a house with a gang of losers (lead by Ben & Kasey).

It's rose ceremony time at long last!  The Don has a rose and somehow, so does Zak W, so who else scores flowers?
-Chris (pasty poet who used to play pro baseball)
-Brooks (seriously? Dude is a 2nd runner up to Zak W in the anti-sexy category)
-Juan Pablo (I've been waiting for a girl like you.... FOREIGNER IS A GREAT BAND!)
-Drew (dude said both "banana hammock" and "Tom Foolery" this episode, so I'm digging his style)
-Michael (Chunky Swayze finally made out with Des this week! Nice work!)
-Ben (your face is what we call "fat skinny" and I want to roundhouse kick it)
-Kasey (they don't grow 'em much more annoying than that hashtag expert)
-Bryden (the producers did some tricky editing to make it seem like Bryden almost negged the rose--yikes!)
-Mikey T (last and DEFINITELY NOT LEAST!  I think he's not Desiree's type, but lawdy LAWDY he's my type.  Macho, tattooed, kind of a simpleton--matchmaker, matchmaker you made Selena a match!)

Who's hitching a ride on the S.S. Self Doubt without a life jacket?  Zack K, a guy who never revealed much personality and we knew only as "Chuck Taylors" on this here blog.  I'm sure he was nice, blah blah blah, and I'm sure that Zak W. is thrilled that he's not the last Zak standing.  The Zack attack is over and somehow the bigger tool came out on top.  Ahh love, am I right?

Next Monday's episode take the harem to Munich, Germany.  I'm just praying we see Mikey T. in some tight leiderhosen.  What did you think of this episode?  Do you hate Ben as much as I do?  Am I overly harsh on Kasey?  Please feel free to comment!

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Bachelorette Desiree: Episode 3 Recap

Last night's episode included all of the favorite elements that are beloved by the Bachelor die-hard community: a disgruntled ex-girlfriend, a broken finger, and men whipping balls at other men.  As Shitty Kasey would say, I was in #HEAVEN! 

Chris Harrison laid out the week's events: two group dates and a 1:1 date with roses up for grabs on all.  

The first group date crew was Chris (pasty), Brian (snooze), Drew (squeaky clean cut), Michael (Chunky Swayze), Brooks (lil effeminate and it's only going to get worse on this date—you'll see), Brad (brick shithouse who's hot but bland), Brandon (motorcycle dude who is VERY emotional), Zack K. (Chuck Taylor-wearer), Ben (the guy who sucks even MORE than the other sucky dudes), and last but certainly not least, my beloved MIKEY T!!! 

The dudes reported to a gym where they were greeted by super serious members of the National Dodgeball League.  These members acted like they were digging drainage ditches in Rwanda with how seriously they took their dodgeball games.  After the boys received some lessons in dodgeball (because apparently they never attended gym class or recess?), Chris Harrison arrived to split them into teams for a public dodgeball tournament.  The teams were "randomly picked" but just happen to pit Mikey T. and Chunky Swayze against Ben, so this "random selection" feels about as random as the list for the Tuesday Treehouse Open Mic circa Sue Funke's reign.  (Yes, that was a joke that only 5 readers will get, but I'M MAKING IT ANYWAY!)  The teams suited up in red or blue daisy dukes, knee-high socks, and sweatbands then made a dramatic entrance into the cage where they would play.  Chunky Swayze explained that it's a really intense cage match, saying, "this isn't your grandfather's kind of dodgeball." No, Michael, it's not.  Your grandfather probably NEVER played dodgeball, as he was a lil too busy fighting the Nazi's in WWII then coming back home to a family of 6 who needed to be fed and a lawn that had to be cut by a push mower and his ONLY relief was a beer or two at the VFW hall on Friday night.  No, I have a HUNCH that Pawpaw never dallied in a child's sport that overprivledged adult-children have co-opted.  But I digress.  (Wow—that greatest generation diatribe might make you think that this blog is ghost written by Tom Brokaw but I assure you IT IS NOT!  Brokaw knows NOTHING about Bach!)  

It was an intense, best-of-three tournament and after game 2, the red team had won 1 game and the blue team had won 1 game.  It was all down to this and Brooks ATE IT at the opening whistle.  He somehow managed to bust his finger and was taken away to the hospital.  Desiree held his hand for a second and then watched the finale of the 3rd game, which was Chris vs. Zack and there was a mention that both of those guys were former pro baseball players.  Huh? Umm… maybe I DON'T hate you both anymore.  

The blue team won and Desiree announced that both teams are invited to the after party, so all that effort was really for naught (man, I haven't seen a mind fuck that bad since I pledged Alpha Theta Chi and we were always made to feel like all the sisters hated us, but they actually didn't!).  Brooks missed most of the after party because he was at the hospital having his broken finger reset, fainting from the resetting, then dealing with a videocamera in his crotch.  At the after party, Brad (built, quiet) pulled Desiree aside to reveal that he has a 3 year old son named Maddox (insert Jolie-Pitt family joke here), his ex had a drinking problem, and he got arrested for domestic violence because of a scuffle they had.  YOWZA!  You're really giving Ben and Brandon a run for their money when it comes to bombshells!  Chris (pasty) whisked Desiree away to the helicopter pad/roof where they had some alone time and Chris showed that he's more than just a pasty random with the worst body in the house.  Not so fast, Chris—guess who's back from the hospital and thinking that his injury will mean that Desiree is wrapped around his broken finger? BROOKS!  And he's got to hold that finger upright to prevent painful blood flow to the tip (I've been there--no joke--long story), so he's looking like he's giving the #1 sign 24/7!  

Desiree and Brooks had a sweet conversation and make-out, but when it came down to rose time, Des gave it to CHRIS! The pasty nobody who needs to invest in an ab roller or just do some sit-ups once in a while! Aww snap!  Unprecedented!  Sorry Brooks, but breaking your finger won't always get you the girl.  The rose meant that Chris and Desiree got a private serenade by a sappy singer and Brandon watched from an onlooking patio (like a sniper) as Chris & Desiree made out.  

The next day, Desiree was "surprised" by a phone call (wow is that girl a bad actress) from Chris Harrison and told to head to the Bachelorette mansion.  There, she took Brian (snoooooze) outside and asked him if he's there "for the right reasons."  He went on and on that he is, then Desiree said that she's confused because Brian's girlfriend is here to confront him.  Aww snap!  In walked Stephanie (a cute brunette single mother) who LIT INTO Brian and said that they were together (cough--in bed--cough) 2 nights before he came on The Bachelorette.  Stephanie has a son named Donovan who apparently looks up to Brian (he aspires to have a SUPER bad personality?) and I just feel bad for the tyke that his name is Donovan.  For Brian's sake, I can't decide what is worse: being outed as a JERK on national TV, or having it happen while you are wearing black ankle socks!?  Seriously people--black ankle socks are DISGUSTING.  Brian was promptly asked to leave Bach land and the other guys were flabbergasted.  Brandon cried over the whole display because he was raised by a single mother and men would come in as father figures and then leave without saying goodbye (like Brian did to Donovan).  Oh Brandon, you're so sweet and your feelings are completely understandable and valid (who's got 2 thumbs and LOVES therapy!? THIS GIRL!) but seriously--talk to a therapist about these feelings of rejection and shame--not directly to a TV camera.  

Kasey (#Loser) gets the 1:1 date after that scene and their activity was dancing against a building (harness, leggings, and all).  It was pretty lame and Kasey continued to be an annoying tool, but he somehow scored a rose.  

The final group date is Dan (Ken doll-like helmet-like black hair and bright teeth), James (The Don), Juan Pablo (spicy!), Bryden (Iraq vet), Zak W (pity bid who is more like Andy from "The Office" every time he opens his mouth) and they reported to a wild west-type set.  Desiree was there in a hoop dress that The Don describes as "a beautiful gown from the 1900s" which could mean be a flapper dress or a Twiggy-style shift dress or a 1980s metallic prom dress, but who cares?  The guys dressed up as cowboys and learned stage combat and stunts in cowboy boot camp.  Juan Pablo earned the ranger badge so he and Desiree got some alone time to watch the trailer for "The Lone Ranger" and make-out while eating popcorn.  It's like an 8th grade date!  

Somewhere in between the cowboy boot camp and the afterparty, Bryden seems to have been introduced to hair gel is and he looks SO MUCH BETTER!  Push that hair to the side and lock in that style, Army man!  Desiree and Zak had a chat and he's SO not sexy it's stunning.  His days have GOT TO be numbered.  The Don revealed that his father is very ill and he misses his family (of course he does! They're the mafia!), so Desiree gave him a rose to reassure him.  

The next day, Desiree hung out with the guys at their pool and when she first pulled up in her car, Ben snuck out and whisked her aside for some 1:1 time.  He then denied doing this to all the guys in the house and  guess who knew the truth and wasn't having it? MIKEY AND CHUNKY SWAYZE!! Hell yeah!  Ben sat there in a bizarre tank top while Mikey and Chunky Swayze berated him--it was delightful.  Meanwhile, Brandon was practically WEEPING to Desiree about how upset he was by the single mom/Brian situation. Oh sweet Brandon--please tone it down.  

Finally, it's rose ceremony time.  Who has roses already?  James (The Don), Kasey (#EatShit), Chris (pasty).  Who scores a rose from Desiree at the ceremony?
-Bryden (I see BIG THINGS for him now that he knows how to use hair product) 
-Juan Pablo (their make-out seemed hot, despite the popcorn mouth) 
-Zak W. (HOW LONG WILL THIS CHARADE GO ON!? Guy is a joke!) 
-Brooks (a busted finger gets you the sweet 7th rose--ha!) 
-Drew (babyface, had a quiet week) 
-Zack K. (Chuck Taylors still flying under the radar) 
-Brad (he may look like a dumb lug, but now he's a dumb lug with a kid!) 
-Michael (aka Chunky Swayze who kinda needs a haircut) 
-Mikey T (HELL YES! I adore him but I fear that he and Michael are sliding into the Friend Zone) 
-Ben (smug sociopath who everybody hates, including America) 

Who's hopping on the shit train back to Rejectionville? Dan, who never revealed much personality, and Brandon.  Oh Brandon.  Brandon says that his heart is broken ("smashed by a hammer") and straight-up asks Desiree what went wrong.  She responds, "chemistry."  Ouch.  

Next week they posse is heading to America's favorite playground when Las Vegas is just not in the budget, ATLANTIC CITY!!!  

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Bachelorette Desiree: Episode 2 Recap

I know, I know, I'm late with this.  This week has been a lil bit kookoo bananas with my recovery from a sweet day at Coney Island beach (WARRIORS 4 LIFE), then a work emergency that had me operating the 'ole publishing machine into the wee hours last night.  Then today was a gorgeous day with low humidity, I was rocking day 2 hair (perfection) and I lost track of time.  But now it's Bach time and I owe you a recap filled with comedic gems about the low-life tools who whore themselves out to ABC in the search for love.

Monday's episode featured all the greatest hits: family drama revealed WAY too early on in a relationship, bad dancing by ALL of the men, and a picnic in an orange grove.

Brooks (effeminate but makes up for it with good hair) scored the first 1:1 date and Desiree picked him up in her convertible Bentley.  They cruised around LA and drove to a bridal shop (because The Bachelorette is doing NOTHING to change the assumption that all women are marriage-minded crazies who just want to be a princess for a day) where Brooks tried on GOOFY TUXES (green! Like a Leprechan and/or the mascot of the greatest basketball franchise in the NBA, the Boston Celtics.  I don't actually know/care if the Celts are any good--I just love any team whose mascot has a complexion as corpse-like as my own!) and Desiree tried on gorgeous dresses (no kidding around with ugly looks for her).  In their wedding getups, they hopped back in the car and Desiree said, "I really felt like we were newlyweds!"  Keep in mind these two LITERALLY met yesterday.  They drove to a cupcake truck (can that trend please DIE OFF? We get it--they're cute & taste great!) then to the Hollywood sign where they sat on the L and talked about life.  Desiree gave us this assessment about Brooks: "When he falls in love, he falls in love." Wise words, Des. Sounds like Brooks is a lot like... everyone I know. That night they drove to a closed bridge where they had a candlelit dinner and Brooks shared the information that his parents are divorced and he didn't speak to his pops from ages 13-19. Talk about a moody teenager!  Just down the bridge was a poor man's Maroon 5-type band (apparently the guy is named Andy Grammer--relation to Kelsey, I wonder?) performing a mid-tempo song about keeping your head up (if ONLY it had been the song of the same name by TuPac, am I right? Now THAT would have been appreciated like a mom who visit you in jail).  Brooks and Desiree "danced to" the song, though their dancing looked more like middle school dance spinning idiocy.  Brooks scored a rose.

Back at the house, 14 dudes discovered that they'd be going on a group date.  The lucky dudes were Dan (white teeth Ken doll), Juan Pablo (the fact that he played pro soccer is the ONLY thing I find appealing about him), Kasey (#WorstGuyEver), Zak K. (Chuck Taylors, seems OK), Will (lone black guy in the house and I give him tons of credit for it), Brian (...zzzzz...), Ben (father who needs a punch in his smug face), Drew (so clean cut dude should be in a soap commercial), Brian (forgettable), James (The Don), Mikey (the #1 best dude in that G-D house who should date ME), Michael (Chunky Swayze), Zack W. (shirtless guy who toned down the bronzer use this week, it seemed), Nick (mole on his cheek), and Brandon (motorcycle dude).

The crew arrived at a beautiful mansion with 3 sports cars in the driveway where Desiree informed them of the day's activity: making a rap video with Souljaboy.  I guess even Souljaboy needs an easy payday every now and then.  The day was pretty funny, with Chuky Swayze showing how funny he can be, Brandon rocking a tiny thong, and the lighting and sound crew hating every moment of their G-D lives (I'd guess).  Watch the finished product here.

At the after party, Zack W. gave Desiree the odd gift of an antique journal that had been inscribed from a father to a daughter but the daughter had never used.  Hey Zack, by "antique journal" are you sure you don't mean "stolen goods from your neighbor"?  The best comment about Zack came from my roommate Liz who walked in and said, "I didn't recognize him with his clothes on."  Seriously.  Ben reminded Desiree that he's really old-fashioned (yup, SO old fashioned that he knocked up a "friend" then exploited his child on network television) and interrupted Mikey's alone time with Desiree.  This did NOT sit well with Chunky Swayze (WHO I AM LOVING!) and Mikey straight-up addressed it with Ben, man-to-man.  Mikey said that Ben seems like a politician and he's really fake and Ben just sort of grinned through it all.  Oh Ben, I hope that Mikey loses his hot, Italian temper on your ass and Chunky Swayze backs him up in that brawl.  (Wouldn't that make for great TV? UFC meets The Bachelorette!)  Brandon has obviously spent too much time alone and when he finally gets 1:1 time with Des, he launches in on a monologue (seriously--she just sat there nodding) about his family, how he's not an Ivy League guy (aww Brandon--those dudes suck! Don't fret, my pet!), and how he's not rich.  It was sweet... but a bit intense.  At the end of the afterparty, Desiree had a rose to give out and she gave it to Ben because on reality TV, being a piece of human garbage somehow ALWAYS pays off.  Blech.

Next 1:1 date went to Bryden (Iraq War vet with a bad haircut) and it was a road trip.  They cruised the Cali coastline, ate fish tacos, flew a kite despite the fact that there was no wind, and Bryden revealed that he doesn't know what Brie is.  Oh Bryden, get ready for your world to be ROCKED by Brie cause that shit RULZ.  Over dinner Bryden shared that he was in a horrible car crash during college and he HAPPENED to have hard copy photos of the wreck in his jacket pocket!  Throughout the episode, it was clear that the producers were like, "this is the week to reveal yourselves, dudes!"  After dinner, Des and Bryden chilled in a hot tub where Bryden awkwardly stared at her until she finally said, "kiss me already."  Nice work, Des.  Bryden scored a rose.

Finally, it was rose ceremony time, but not before Chunky Swayze made his BIG REVEAL to Desiree that he has type I diabetes (no joke--he acted like he was about to drop a BOMBSHELL and I was thinking that he'd reveal that he had Leukemia as a child or something, but diabetes!?  Dude--check your blood sugar regularly, don't eat too much sugar, and STEP OFF) and a few of the guys told Ben that he's a jerk to his face.  I love watching men cat fight!  It feels like I'm watching feminism advance somehow.  Post-fight, Chunky Swayze dropped this gem: "Haven't heard about his son since night 1--wonder how HE's doing!" which was hilarious.  Brian (boring dude) used his 1:1 time with Desiree to talk about staying in a dead relationship (how can that happen? I'm far too trigger happy when it comes to dumping, though, so don't listen to me).

At the rose ceremony, Brooks, Ben and Bryden already had roses because Desiree is a sucker for boring dudes with B names.  Who else scored roses and in what order, you ask?
-James: THE DON! Mafia for life! No one gets out alive!
-Kacey: #He'llBeGoneSoon #GodWilling #HisHairIsTooSpikey #BadPersonality
-Dan: white teeth can't make up for (seemingly) no personality
-Juan Pablo: she asked him if he'd accept this rose en Espanol!
-Brad: umm... who? Dude is wicked generic.
-Chris: pasty & boring. He'll be gone soon.
-Brian: he and Des have so much in common! They both stay in shitty relationships!
-Zack W: that weird journal secured his spot for another week of ab flaunting
-Drew: I pray there's a personality behind that boyish charm, but I bet there isn't
-Zack: Chuck Taylors is a slow burn, I'm thinking
-Michael: Chunky Swayze proved that he's hilarious & rad this week
-Brandon: apparently your one-man show about your f-ed up family got the girl for once!

So who is going back to life, back to reality (however do you want me...) and what did they do wrong?
-Will: nice guy, but he gave Desiree a lame nickname right away and it was just kinda cheesy (BRIE cheesy, right Bryden? Hahahaha [shoves entire face into chunk of Brie])
-Robert: he was just a set of eyebrows, it seemed. Go back to spinning signs, my friend.
-Nick: he was just a mole on a cheek, it seemed.  Go back to...whatever it is you do (and get that mole checked--seriously--if it changes in shape especially).  Probably the best part of their exits was that Robert referred to being sent home as a "nightmare" and Nick called it "heartbreak."  I don't mean to laugh at their pain but it's just so damn hilarious.

Next week my dream of a UFC-Bachelorette hybrid just might be realized, as I think there will be a fistfight AND I CANNOT WAIT!