Monday, February 28, 2011

Scrumptious Sammies and Barefoot Banter

I ripped this one off of Ina Garten.  Now, for those of you who don't know her, she's this little, round lady on Food Network that lives in the Hamptons.  She's got this show called Barefoot Contessa where she cooks meals for all her "jolly" friends and her dorky husband.  I'm not sure what a Contessa is, kinda reminds me of something you'd call a witch, but if I'd have to guess, simply by watching the show, a Contessa is a person who stongly believes in table settings!  I mean, seriously, this woman spends more time on making the table look good than she does on the food.

You know what I use for cloth napkins in my house?  A paper towel.  My plates don't match.  I have 5 white ones, 4 yellow ones and 4 green ones.  Kinda looks like someone threw up in my cabinet!  The only reason I have nice silverware is because of a wedding present from my inlaws.  For glassware...I have a bunch of stolen pint glasses from different bars and restaurants throughout the country (It's kinda my thing...sue me...that is, if you can catch me.)

But back to Ms. Ina.  I do have to admit, this woman can cook.  She's annoying as hell to listen to, mainly because she comes off as this snooty bitch in her little Hampton kitch, but girl can throw DOWN on some killer food.  And she's kinda my hero for saying Sayonara to her job as a White House nuclear policy analyst so that she could pursue her dream of being a cook, a self taught cook I might add.  Hell, I love you Ina.  So check her out, buy her cookbooks (which I own none of....hint, hint, family and friends), watch her show, etc.

But if you do only one thing Ina Garten, do this sandwich.  It's become a favorite! 

(Note: I didn't use pancetta, simply because I didn't have any, but I have used it and it's delicious.  I also don't use the sun-dried tomatoes, because those jerks give me awful heartburn.  It's a bitch to get older!  If you're in a hurry, you can use rotisserie chicken and it's just as good.  And the dressing for this sandwich would taste awesome on a tire.) ENJOY!!     

Friday, February 25, 2011


Sometimes you just need to have a quickie.  You frills, no thrills, just something to tide you over.  I'm talking about a quickie lunch, you perv.

This is my suggestion for a quickie:
Slice a piece or two of bread, drizzle it with olive oil, put it in a toaster oven or the actual oven at 400 degrees for about 8 minutes or until crunchy. Rub with a clove of raw garlic.

Next, slice some tomatoes and salt them.  Then, take some room-temperature goat cheese and put it in a bowl.  Add about a tablespoon of chopped rosemary and a pinch of salt and pepper to the cheese.

Spread the cheese on the toast, top with the tomato.

And there you have it, a quickie no one can complain about!

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

New Logo

Just wonderin' what ya'll think about my new logo!  I bent and photographed the fork all by myself!  So if you don't like can go fork yourself!

I Want You...To Wonton Me

Twas a cold Memphis evening, and this Bitch in the Kitch,
had a craving for soup, so I scratched that itch. 
I went to the fridge, and that's where it dawned,
I had all of the fixings, for some good ol' wontons. (I can't help myself sometimes)

I had ground chicken that I needed to cook, but was tired of the usual fare.  So I bought some shrimp, and put the chicken, shrimp, 3 cloves of garlic, a big chunk of peeled ginger, crushed red pepper, scallions, soy sauce, chili oil, rice wine vinegar, and some brown sugar into a food processor, until I had a bowl full of mush.  Chunky mush though, not baby food mush.  Then I got out some wonton wrappers and filled them with a tablespoon or so of the mush, folded those puppies up, using water around the edges like glue.  They looked like this, surely not the traditional dumpling, but I'm not very well versed in Asian cooking, so whatever, haters.
Then I put a pot on the stove, added veggie and sesame oil, 5 smashed cloves of garlic, more ginger and crushed red pepper, chicken broth, sliced mushrooms and scallions and boiled them together for about 20 minutes.  Once I had made all my wontons (which takes FOREVER), I dropped them into the simmering soup until they floated.

It was great.  I was very proud of myself for just throwing it all together and coming up with a delicious soup in no time, but next time, I will add a lot more garlic, ginger, crushed red pepper and soy to the dumplings, because I think those little purses of pleasure lacked some serious flavor-flave.  

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Happy Baa-aah-lentine's Day

Remember what happened last year?  Your flowers were dead in 3 days.  That box of candy you got?  It made your ass fat.  That nighty you went out and bought?  It doesn't fit you anymore because of that damned box of chocolate.

In my very tame and calm opinion...Valentine's day is harmful.  It puts so much stress and pressure on relationships.  Does a dozen roses really make you feel loved?  Does it confirm the happiness of your relationship?  Do we really have to go out and buy a bunch of pink and red shit to validate our love?  Do I really need a stuffed animal at my age?  No.  Do I want flowers?  I'd rather have a plant that I can kill on my own.   

You know what Valentine's Day is?  It's a fight waiting to happen.

I wish women would stop making this holiday such a big deal.  You're giving us all a bad rap.  If you want to do something nice for your significant other for Valentine's Day, I say Step Away from the Valentine's Day. You know what would be nice?  A day of love and romance you DIDN'T EXPECT!  A massage out of the blue.  A night on the town for no reason at all.  A day where your man walks in from work and you're cooking up dinner in a sexy teddy that isn't red NOR pink!

Put that in your Valentine's pipe and smoke it!

Wednesday, February 09, 2011

Shank You...Shank You Very Much

I'm always looking for interesting foods to try.  So on a visit to Costco the other day, I noticed something I had never seen in the meat section.  Veal shanks.  It was a pretty exciting discovery, since most of our local grocery stores never uncover anything interesting.  I usually go to Whole Foods or Fresh Market if I'm in the need for something exotic (though we do have a lot of cool International food markets in Memphis I need to check out).

I have no idea what to do with a veal shank.  The last time I ate veal, I was so disturbed by the fact that it was a baby cow, that I just never had an urge to try it again.  Until now.  And I must cow is yummy.  That's right PETA...I said it.  But don't get your panties in a bunch.  I, in no way, shape, or form, condone cruelty to animals.  But I am in love with peasant food.  I have a strange desire to eat like people used to eat in the old country.  From the land.  So although I don't have a calf farm, I still love to recreate dishes that I imagine were cooked for hours on end by old ladies with gray hair down to their butts.  Old ladies that would beat you to death with a wooden spoon if you ever questioned their cooking ability.  Mean ass old ladies.  The original bitches in the kitchen.

I've seen Osso Buco on many menus, so I gave it a whirl.  There are literally thousands of ways to cook it.  So I took ideas from a few different recipes, based on what I like, and recreated my own.  So if you're going to chastise me for not making this 100% authentic, please do, so I can laugh at you.  I never claim to be a chef...but a bitch?? that's a different story.

~ 4 veal shanks (I tied mine with kitchen twine, but don't waste your time, 'cuz it'll still taste fine, if you leave that step behind...yes, that all rhymed).
~ Flour
~ Salt & Pepper
~ 4 tbsp. of Olive Oil and 1 tbsp. of butter
~ Small Onion, diced
~ 2 carrots, diced
~ 2 stalks of celery, diced
~ 4 cloves of garlic, minced  
~ 1 cup of white wine
~ 2 cups of chicken stock (I used homemade, because I'm cool like that, but store bought will be just fine).
~ 2 sprigs of rosemary, 2 sprigs of thyme and a handful of parsley

Preheat oven to 350.  Pat the shanks dry and salt and pepper generously.  Flour both sides of the shanks and pat off excess.  Heat butter and olive oil over medium heat until very hot.  Brown the veal shanks on both sides (about 6-8 minutes per side).  Remove shanks.  Add in onion, celery and carrot and cook for about 6 minutes until tender.  Add in garlic and cook for another minute.  Add in wine and scrape up all the bits of badness (and by badness I mean goodness).  Cook for about 5 minutes, reducing the sauce by half.  Add in chicken stock until shanks are just about covered.  Add in herbs and cover pot.  Place in oven for 1 1/2 hours.  Check it every 30 minutes to make sure your liquid isn't evaporating too quickly and add more if it is.  You'll know it's done when the meat is fork tender.

This dish is traditionally served with risotto or polenta and I just so happened to have polenta, so that's what I served it with.  I sauteed the polenta cakes in olive oil and grated some Parmesan cheese on top.  Then I put a shank on top of the polenta and added some of the juice.  I also sprinkled it with a bit of gremolata to keep it more on the traditional side. 

So, cheers to you, baby cow.  Oh wait, you're not even old enough to drink yet!  Ok then, word to ya Moo-ther!??  Ok, I'm going to just end on that stupid joke :-)

Tuesday, February 01, 2011


Last night, I found myself a little hungry.  I wasn't in the mood to cook a big meal.  Just wanted something to tide me over for the rest of the night.  So I looked in the fridge...found nothing.  Looked in the pantry...jack.  Looked in the cabinet...threw away a bunch of stale boxes of Triscuits, and some La Choy, Chow Mein noodles.  Moved around a bunch of cans of food I was tortured with by babysitters as a child (that's right...Cream of Mushroom Soup...great punishment for a kid).  Then I found a can of Chickpeas.  You know, chickpeas.  The heart and soul of hummus.  And I remembered seeing someone, somewhere, roast them until they became crunchy.  And if you know me, I have this thing about me where I love crunchy food.  Anything that threatens to break my teeth while eating it, count me in.  Must be part of my caveman instinct.  I never have claimed to be a girly, girl.  And so I decided to make this for dinner.* (Refer to warning at the bottom of this page).

So back to this recipe.  It's easy as hell.  Why do people say that?  Hell isn't supposed to be easy.  If it were, we'd all be trying our damndest to be damned to hell.  It's easy as pie.  Pie isn't easy either.  At least for this non-baker.  It's easy as sliced bread.  I once almost lost a finger slicing bread.  It's easy like Sunday morning.  Unless of course you raged like a rockstar on Saturday night, then Sunday morning can be VERY difficult.  It's easy as 1, 2, 3.  Yeah...even this mathematically challenged girl can do 1, 2, 3!!!  Here's the recipe:

Preheat your oven to 450 degrees
Open a can of chickpeas, and drain them (don't rinse them)
Dry off the chickpeas very well with a paper towel
Put the chickpeas on a baking pan with a rim, so you don't have a chickpea party in your oven
Pour about 1 tablespoon of olive oil over the chickpeas and rub them around to coat them
Add salt and pepper and cayenne
Rub the spices into the chickpeas and place them in the oven
Check them every 20 minutes and shake 'em around so they don't burn
Let them roast for about 40 minutes (make sure to check them frequently so they don't burn, because they can very easily do so).
Take them out of the oven when they are brown and crispy and let them rest for 5 minutes
Then...pop those suckers into your mouth.  They remind me a lot of those wasabi peas.

 *Warning ~ I do not suggest making this your entire dinner.  Use this recipe for snacking at a party.  These bad boys pack in 16% of your daily fiber intake.  I learned the hard way that eating an entire can of chickpeas may be one of the best colon cleansing foods around!!  Again, I never claimed to be a girly, girl!