Solving the Gun Control Problem in Five Easy Steps


Ted Nugent's gun control starts in his crotch

Ted Nugent’s Gun Control begins in his pants


Solution: Free penis enlargement and more guns

Save the world? Sure, just give me a minute.

Save the world? Sure, just give me a minute.


Solution: Free Mayan Calendar and more guns

Conspiracy Theory

Also, they want to control our bowels


Solution:  Electric nipple clips and more guns

Crazy Person

Crazy people can look like you and you


Solution: Mental Health Help and more guns

Backwards Person

Look at me when I’m talking to you Young Man


Solution: Buy a gun and fire it backward


The End of Real Things and the Beginning of Fake Stuff!

bestbathroombooks fake stuff




Soon (2019) we will begin the FAKE THINGS, not FAKE NEWS podcast.  Meanwhile

Posted in humor, Kinda Funny, Pretty funny | Tagged , , , , , | 58 Comments

Genital Gymnastics

I think it’s safe to say that the typical thirteen-year-old American has seen more genitalia than a Bangkok bidet.  America, Land of the Free Internet, produces more porn, both professional and amateur, than any other country in the world.

Yes, we are awesome.

Before I get any further in this post:


This Jenny Talia won a Lifetime Achievement Award for Humiliation

We love to film genitals.  The only thing we like better than filming genitals is actually viewing them in action.  The major hotel chains-Hilton, Marriott and Westin– make billions  off of genital films.  The US government allows this because they receive tax money from the hotel’s genital movies.  Genitals are conversely the most hidden aspect of our bodies and yet the most integral parts in producing human life.  Genitals are the elephant in the room (especially if the elephant is pink and has balls for ears).  We are outwardly ashamed of our genitals but inwardly obsessed with them, much like wearing our favorite fanny pack in public.

fanny pack

It helps to exude confidence.

Male genitals are consistently altered in the form of circumcision for men for religious purposes but also to enhance visual appeal.  For some reason, uncircumcised genitals are considered less filmworthy, which is odd considering the recent popularity of anteater movies.

not genitalia

Natural, yet still popular with the ladies

Similarly, women who have absolutely no plans to have their genitals filmed insist on shaving them as a necessary routine of daily hygiene.  It’s like buying a bazooka and never getting to shoot down an airliner.


These pecans had no idea they were being filmed.

Genitals play an important part in the tenets of every religion in the form of procreation or the afterlife.  The Ten Commandments, God’s epic Blogpost from the Mountaintop, reminds us “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife”  because “Thou shalt not obsess over thy neighbor’s wife’s genitals” just sounded too wordy.  In modern culture, anything labeled sexy is ultimately a reference to genitals, i.e. sexy cars, sexy clothes, sexy buildings, sexy music.  In other words, genitals play a pivotal role in pretty much everything we do.

As Einstein once said:  Sit with a pretty girl for an hour and it seems like a minute.

This is where he came up with his famous theory (and I’m paraphrasing):

Energy=My Crotch (2)

So what does it all mean?

Make sure your audience is laughing for the right reasons.

It means that when I go to a theater and see a man wearing nothing but a cape, stretching his scrotum sail-like as he stands on a skateboard with a fan blowing him across the floor while women scream and my wife decides to buy his picture book and I’m hoping the guy washed his hands when he signs the book and he gives it back to my wife while in the book it shows other fun ways to make male genitals look like a Hamburger, a Wristwatch or the Loch Ness monster and I go home and try to recreate the Hamburger and hurt myself, it is part of what we like to call the Digital Age.

Traveling the country and making money from Genital Gymnastics is not that different from blogging.  Being in Genital Movies or Puppetry of the Penis reminds us that we all generate from the genitals.  You use your fingers on the keyboard to expose the most vulnerable parts of yourself.  And these guys make hamburgers and way more money.

Posted in humor, Pretty funny | Tagged , , , , , , , | 23 Comments

Can you be Too Good-Looking?


His problem:

He’s too good looking.




But I worry about him.  The reason:









Me:  Why did T break up with M?






What you gonna do?

Posted in Not to Laugh at | Tagged , , , , | 24 Comments

How Racist is this?

Good news:  President Obama brings lots of people together in America

Bad news:  Lots of them are racists

We like to think we’re a colorblind society.  The people who claim to be colorblind are always white, and typically blame people of color for suggesting that they–the colorblind people–are racist.  It’s a pretty good argument, because very few people have the word racist tattooed to their foreheads.  And besides, it’s not really racism if it’s funny.  It’s just joking around and maybe dragging people behind a truck until they die.

In order to really understand racism, it helps to get into the minds of racists—which is pretty easy because there’s lots of room in there.  And the best way to get inside the minds of racists is to look at their phenomenal artwork.

Let’s start with something easy—watermelon.  The beginning racist starts with something seemingly innocuous, just a little fun and games so he can still go to church after he posts this on the web.  Even the racist likes watermelon, so how much could it hurt?  His kids think Dad is pretty clever.

Since that watermelon picture was such a hit, the racist hopes the kids will get a real kick out of this one.  Since all Negroes like fried chicken and grape soda, the racist’s next masterpiece really hits the spot.  As with all black men, Obama is after white women so the caption adds fantastic humor to the racism.  Mixing humor with racism makes hating people funny, which is the best way to hate people.

Here’s a funny play on words.  The alternate spelling for renig is renege.  What’s really funny about this bumper sticker is that it actually endorses Obama as President while hinting at the N word.  Hilarious!

See, renege or renig means “failure to carry out a promise”.  So if you say  “don’t renig” you’re saying “don’t not fail”, or, more simply, “Succeed in your Promise” in 2012.  It literally means “Re-elect Obama!”  kind of like saying “You aren’t not ignorant!”

Racists are funny and clever and really good with words.

Since the watermelon and the chicken worked so well, combining the two, along with old time “Black Face” shading and dialect really brings it home.  The kids will really find this one entertaining, and the fact that both stereotypes have been combined makes it what the racists like to call “stereo stereotyping”.  I hear you loud and clear, racists!  Lawdy, you’s funny!

Having pretty much depleted the food tool, the racist likes to turn to the next tool in his well-worn toolbox of three tools-cultural differences.  Who needs to get fancy?  Let’s dress the president in jungle bunny gear and make him look like a real ooga booga.  Since we all came from Africa, the racist is pointing out that he is more intelligent than he appears, as he has some knowledge of plate tectonics and migration theories of the human species.  He is aware that his ancestors were once hunters and gatherers too.  He is honoring the President while giving him a good-natured ribbing and hating him.

One of the great things about being a racist is that you can devalue people by comparing them to animals.  Hitler did it with the Jews.  He likened them to rats.  That’s pretty funny–people being rats. Oh, Hitler!

So here’s a funny example of using a monkey theme to suggest that our president has not developed into an actual human and has deficient or inferior brain capacity.  This photo was used in a real campaign and I’m sure lots of kids got to see it.  Since they probably don’t teach Evolution in the schools they attend, it’s going to be very confusing for them to understand how God intelligently designed a monkey who rules over their parents.

Sometimes the racist develops the ability to do two things at once.

Even his kids were amazed when our racist friend went to the mall wearing this teeshirt.  Two things happened:

1) It reminded those around him of our dark history resulting in civil war which eventually proved the practice inhumane and un-American.

2) He got his ass kicked.

Finally, there is the N word, which is the racist’s secret weapon.  He usually uses this word in private.  It makes him feel powerful.  Sometimes he forgets it’s his private word and he puts it on a sign outside his failing roadside business.  By using the N word he is suggesting that a man who lives in the White House is inferior, while he, the superior one, lives in a shitbox behind his failing roadside business.

Racists are funny, and we thank all of you for making us laugh.  We know your hate is what gets you up in the morning, and the last thing we’d ever want to see is you celebrating diversity or accepting people as individuals.

That’s what your kids are for.


Your Legacy

sperm and egg

Here’s what happens:

Your sperm, the fastest swimmer in the bunch, finds your egg.

And now, lo and behold, you’re reading this.  You won the lottery.  You did.  You start piling up all the stuff that makes you you.  You go through school and draw a picture.  You make an ashtray out of clay, the orange mud of the earth, the lines of your palm like a leaf or a snowflake.  Your tiny hand.

The pixels pile up, the digital media starts humming, videos on the web, something you said.  You start a blog.  And Facebook.  Search Google.

I’ll post my picture for the world.  Everyone will know me.  Everyone.

And the ones and zeroes just keep growing and growing and growing.  You aren’t just flesh and blood anymore, you are pixels in the cloud.  And numbers.

You are numbers.

You might get married and have kids.  More zygotes.  Yours.  You might just create enough that your vapor trail, your meteor tail, your wind in the sail is readable forever.


And someday, someone reads this, reads you and watches you and gazes into your eyes long after you’re gone.  And the world has changed enough that what you created has a new meaning, a meaning you cannot now imagine, but it means something to the new ones.  The new ones think they understand what you mean.  They think they know.

Do they know?

Every word, every search, every image, every comment, every keystroke is you, all you and your life.  And you are gone, but you are here, to experience, to explore, to react to, to confuse and confound and delight and turn on.

Who is this?  Who was this?  What was she thinking?  What did he mean?    Is that how people were?  Is that what they thought?  Is this what society was like?  Why did they do this?  Why did they say this?  What does this mean?

Is this true?

Jason Bloch

Your son

Sophie Bloch-Rollins

Your daughter

And now, an Original Music Video by the Author!

Posted in Kinda Funny | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 18 Comments

Modicum Scroticum-Getting an Angle on your Writing

The ability to write something is not that difficult for most of us.  If you read this blog at all, you know that the distinguishing factor is whether what you write is any good.  For those of us who attempt to write something with a modicum of quality (it helps to avoid words like modicum), we’re all about the angle.  When I first started writing at a very early age, I was aware that the subject matter had to be presented in a way that wasn’t boring.

By writing about something boring–like say staplers for instance– I realized early on that if the stapler was explained as an office device that connected two pieces of paper together, even at the most detailed level of engineering, it would never be as entertaining as if I put the word “scrotum” near the word stapler.

The difference between stapling two pieces of paper together and stapling someone’s scrotum to a wall is an example of angle.  One is technical, and the other one hurts your scrotum a lot.  Introducing scrotum humanizes the stapler experience and produces a wincing pain reaction, thus imprinting the stapler in one’s mind while perforating the scrotum in one’s pants.

This brings me to the point of this post.  A better writer would have gotten here sooner.

Joe and I are now working on our second book.  We’re very excited about it.  We’re excited we won’t be talking about poop so much.  We’re so excited, in fact, that we almost stapled our scrotum to a wall.

Here’s the title:

Phobias from A to Z

We are still working on the tag line, something like “Know the Fears that bring you to Tears”.  This will be our second book to compliment “Toiletry from A to Z, Something to Do While You’re Taking a Poo”.  As you can see, we are still shooting for a Pulitzer, or Poolitzer if you like bad puns.

I don’t. 

The book will be in the style of our first book–die-cut and gifty and a little bit snide.

So here’s the question.  What’s the angle?  How do we approach the visceral subject of phobias so that the book is the most entertaining, readable and marketable?  The book will be funny (we hope) because the books presently in the marketplace are all relatively serious or self-helpy.

Here are two videos to give you a feel for the range of angle on the project.

The first is of a man—a scary looking gang member type—who is terrified of dogs (cynophobia), or in this case, an adorable pit bull puppy.  This guy is really afraid of dogs.

The second is a comedy group nailing it with a skit about phobias.  Amazing timing, clever and funny.

Two different angles on the same subject.

Is writing all about the angle for you?

What angle would you take with phobias?

And now, an Original Music Video by the Author!
