Chick-fil-a – A debate between my conservative and liberal sides.

I sometimes wonder if the events that happen on the national stage are real or imagined.  This has been occurring with much more frequency in the past five years than ever before, so much in fact, that I have begun to question my own sanity.   Certainly so many hundreds of thousands of people could not be this absurd!  

Perhaps I am living in some sort of computer program that is set to have events become more and more bizarre until the subject (me) either has a breakdown or realizes that what is occurring simply cannot be reality.  


This fast food restaurant has been all over the news lately and if you haven’t heard of them, well, you should read more news.  

No, I take that back.  The news is what propagates the stupid.  Better to read a good magazine instead.  

I thought about how I would explain this news to one of my former English students in Japan.  They would ask what it is about and I can imagine the conversation going something like this.  (Level 2 or so in the NOVA ranking system)  🙂  

Student:  Why so many people at fast food restaurant?
Me: They don’t want gay people to get married. 
Student:  eh?
Me: Yes, the owner of this restaurant gives lots of money to political campaigns against gay marriage.
Student:  So many people want to eat his chicken?
Me:  Yes.
Student:  Why?
Me:  It is America.  
Student: Americans not like gay people so want to eat the chicken?
Me:  No, they just don’t want the gay people to marry.  And they like chicken.  
Student:  Why eating chicken stop gay people from marry?  
Me:  They can buy the chicken and the owner of Chick-fil-a will get richer and can give more money to stop gay marriage.  
Student:  I cannot understand.
Me:  Me neither.   

After a while it is just funny to think about.  It is funny somehow a fast food restaurant has become the focal point AGAINST a social movement!  The focal point is not a politician, it is not a murder or violence, it is a FAST FOOD PLACE AND A CHICKEN ONE AT THAT!  

That is SO AMERICAN!  I tell you we Americans must look like absolute philosophers with absolutely stellar minds to be making our arguments by EATING!  And it could not have come at a better time!

It is the Olympic season, the time when we look up to our role models, the absolute best of our athletes and marvel at their exquisitely sculpted bodies.  It is at this time that the cream, the absolute best of our corporations have convinced us that sugary, fatty foods are synonymous with athletic prowess.  


Only in America.  

It is perhaps only here that completely contradictory messages have the ability to become one and to be accepted by a relatively educated population.  

Protecting Freedoms = Attack another country
Olympics = McDonalds
Private sector economic crisis = the fault of the (public) President
Sarah Palin / Michelle Bachmann = Intelligence and great leadership

I could go on, but I’m getting silly.  If you’re reading this and are a conservative, you would probably think I’m a liberal.  That has been more true than not lately but you wouldn’t be entirely right.  I’ve jumped on the liberal train as of recent but often change my mind and could easily swing into the libertarian camp completely bypassing the Republicans.

Why bypass the Republicans?  Because Republicans have gone bat shit crazy in the past decade.  I’m sorry but I cannot put it any more eloquently than that.  But this does not mean I cannot see the conservative point of view.  I spent 12 years in Catholic school so of course I can see the conservative view as clearly as I can see the tree in my yard!  

Without further delay, let’s have some fun!  It has been a while since I’ve debated myself and let’s do it about Chick-fil-a.

Before I do however, what the HELL does “Chick-fil-a” mean?  This is the dumbest name for a fast food joint that I’ve ever heard!  Now being a constant foreign language student I’m used to figuring out words and meanings that might be new to me.  I can quickly deduce that “chick” is just a shortening of chicken.  I don’t think they mean chick as in a baby chicken.  Baby chickens have very little meat so it would not make sense to want to “fil-a” a baby chicken although I cannot be sure.  I would also imagine that fil-a means fillet except was written by someone who was illiterate?  

Now, why would this be a good name for a fast food joint?  If I was on the Chick-fil-a board I probably would have voted this name down unless of course we were targeting the the less well off areas.  

I’m not trying to be snooty here at all, it is my guess, without knowing anything about Chick-fil-a, that this is the reason they chose that name.  I’m being completely honest.  

*Side Note: I couldn’t resist looking up fillet which I know comes from French as the t is silent.  The French spell it differently (filet) and I was curious how they came up with that word.  Apparently it comes from “fil” which means “wire” or “thread.”  Thus, when we “fillet” something it has all those burn line marks in the meat just like a thread.  

Wasn’t I going to debate myself?  Let’s get started for REALZ this time.  Well do it in a stream of consciousness format because I’m lazy.  

Those against gay marriage have an absolute right to their opinions.  They also have the right to eat as much chicken as they like in support of their beliefs.  After all, the liberals like to push everything down everyone’s throat.  The “liberal” media is just that, liberal.  The main outlets except for Fox rarely print the conservative point of view and liberals on the overall are snotty people you wouldn’t want to drink a beer with.  

By eating chicken the conservatives can finally make a non-aggressive point that NOT everyone supports gay marriage and this is a rather easy (and tasty!) way to express their feelings.  

The liberals are always comparing this to the civil rights movement and interracial marriage.  

*Now, if we went back in time it would be the conservatives who are against interracial marriage.  BUT, we are not going back in time, we are staying in the present!  Gay marriage just AIN’T the same thing as interracial!!!!!   Two people of the same sex just AIN’T natural and the Bible says so!  

Now hold on conservative me!  Perhaps your problem is that you just don’t know any gay people.  If you did you would realize that, as Lady Gaga says, they were BORN this way, no matter how gross what they do in bed is.  (did I just say that?)  Well, no matter, it is gross and I’ve expressed the same to my gay friends while hanging out in the Castro at the Lookout bar which of course is as queer as a gay bar could possibly be.  One night they were selling porn where two guys box each other then get it on.  

I was absolutely grossed out.  I mean how can those guys do THAT to another DUDE?  I think doing THAT is gross when straight people do it so maybe I’m just more of a traditionalist?  

Wait, where was I?  Wasn’t I supposed to be arguing the liberal point of view?  Or perhaps someone’s views cannot simply be placed in this camp or that.  Perhaps they can be mixed!  And you know we Global Citizen types certainly like to be seen as complex/mysterious/unique and many other adjectives that make us seem sophisticated.  

BUT, as I was saying, gay people were born that way, it happens in other species, it happened in Rome and it probably happened in the Catholic Church down the street so what’s the big whoop?  It is part of nature and these people should not be discriminated against so let them marry!

Besides, what is marriage anyway?  Is it a right conferred by the State or is it a religious thing?  If it is a religious thing then what if they don’t belong to that religion?  Last time I checked married people get benefits from the State so if being queer is part of nature and is thus “natural” then why is the State being so stubborn?  Oh yes, conservative people.  

Didn’t I mention something about protecting freedoms above?  We have freedom = war = no gay marriage.  I don’t even know what to do with that last sentence.  I suppose we could just throw it to Sarah Palin and she could come up with something.

And where the hell has she been anyway?  Is her show about Alaska still on?  I’d like to check it out.  

Ah but Conservative me makes a comeback!!!!!   Well, I still don’t agree as I think it is not natural and I don’t care what you say liberal me.  Besides that, we now have public officials saying they will not let Chick-fil-a operate in their cities?  What is this, Russia?  

*Liberal me interjects*  –  You mean Soviet Union?

Conservative me – Yea Russia!  Since when has a politician been able to block economic activity only based on a social issue????

Liberal Me – Civil rights era.  

Conservative me – You’re a snooty asshole liberal me!  It AIN’T the SAME THING!  

Well, I’ve made myself angry.  I guess the moral of the story is that liberal people are a bit snobby and try to ram all their new and crazy ideas down everyone’s throats.  This is very uncomfortable for the conservative types who like things THE WAY THEY ARE and really haven’t wanted to change anything since the Middle Ages AND been dragged kicking and screaming decade after decade, century after century until at last we arrive in modern times.  

It would be interesting to point out that a “conservative” society is Saudi Arabia, Iran and just about everyplace where the women have to cover themselves completely.  These are the countries that never ever let someone like Elvis get away with hip shaking and still go to church every week.  Hell, sometimes they pray 5 times a day!  

Well, maybe it wouldn’t be so interesting to point out so I won’t do it.  I just do not want to make conservative me any more angry than he already is.  

Maybe I’ll go eat some chicken.  Wait!!!  I actually just had chicken tikka masala for dinner!  Sorry conservative me, that sounds very suspiciously like liberal food.  I promise you, conservative me, that next time I’ll make some chicken prepared in the “fil-a” style.  

Love you.




Published by Mateo de Colón


One reply on “Chick-fil-a – A debate between my conservative and liberal sides.”

  1. Had PBS on this morning for my son and was surprised when I saw that PBS is “sponsored in part by,” none other than Chick-fil-A!!!! What a shock! Wait, isn’t Chick-fil-A the fast food restaurant of choice for Republican conservatives who most recently wanted to shut PBS down for good?

    Isn’t Chick-fil-A also the fast food restaurant of choice for Bible thumping intolerant Christians who want to either convert or if cannot convert than suppress the rights of those that do not conform to their beliefs?

    It looks like Chick-fil-A is doing their best to try and change this image held in my head and held in the head of every other liberal in the USA. They finally realized that jumping into short term political debates which nobody will remember in a year or two does have long term consequences on profits!

    I’m glad Chick-fil-A has done the truly American thing and chased profit above all else. Gay people have money too which could contribute to……. MORE PROFIT! And profit brings much better rewards than doing the equivalent of hanging a sign in the window saying gays are not welcome.

    Gotta love those Christians – They preach love but somehow it always just applies to those that share their belief or are willing to be converted and one of the sheep.

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