Where in the World is Dannie Sandiego?

Things I Learned on Vacation

This is by no means comprehensive and I am sure I will have more to add later, but without further ado, things I learned on vacation:

  1. I was born with an invisible button, and no matter what I do, I cannot deactivate it. Sometimes, without warning, I become completely impossible for any passing motorist, fellow amusement park-goer, or fellow flier to physically see. It’s totally cool if you want to occupy the same exact physical location as me/my car. Sharesies. 

    This is my "Driving in Orlando" face.
    This is my “Driving in Orlando” face.
  2. Everyone else is individually the most important person in the world. It does not matter if you are abiding by the law, the rules, and/or common decency, the person behind you is OMG IN THE BIGGEST HURRY EVER and you are totally fucking rude for rightfully being in the spot they want to occupy. #jerk
  3. There is a prize for retrieving your suitcase from the baggage carousel first. Right? Why else does everybody stand at the first little door? Nobody wants to steal your dirty underwear. (If you packed something valuable in your suitcase, you deserve to have it stolen.) I will totally wait ten extra seconds for it to rotate to the other side so I do not have to stand next to a sweaty dude in a floral print shirt any longer than I have to.
  4. Amish people also fly. Or else a new Buggy Airways has started service to Dayton, Ohio! Each aircraft is equipped with dual Pratt & Whitney unicorns. I’m still not sure why they looked at me like I was the one out of place. I’m a heathen who flew arrived on a 717. No unicorns required.
  5. There is exactly one (1) TSA agent in the United States with a sense of humor. The rest of them just want to see you naked in the x-ray thing. The government should really let them know that you can be lifelike and practice safe homeland security techniques.
  6. Orlando is literally the worst place in the entire world. I mean, it would probably be a shit hole if not for the constant stream of out-of-towners aching to buy $1.99 coffee mugs, stupid shit with Mickey Mouse on it, and eat copious amounts of shitty food, but it is a gross place full of assholes and people who do not know how to operate a motor vehicle. Okay, “literally the worst” might be an exaggeration. I forgot about Toledo.

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