Friday, May 3, 2013

Things that make me uncomfortable

So I decided to try a "Blog Every Day in May Challenge" that was posted by another blogger, Jenni of the Story of My Life The Blog, here.  I really enjoy blogging and I figure this will help me make time every day for something that I enjoy doing.  It looks like a LOT of fun!

Why Do I blog?
I originally began blogging shortly before Luke's birth with the purpose of using it as our family's journal.  I used it in lieu of a "baby book", where I included all of his "firsts" and milestones.  We don't live near family, and I figured it would also be a great way to share with them what was going on with us.  Also, our kids can look back someday and enjoy reading about our lives together.  Lastly, let's face it, none of us know how long we will be living.  I want to leave behind something that helps my kids get to know who I was, for when I am no longer with them physically.  Of course, I also hope that others who have cancer, or know of someone who is, can use what I have learned and posted in this blog as a resource for coping with the terrible disease.

Today's blog challenge is "Things that make you uncomfortable."  Initially when I read this topic, I was concerned that my blog post would be empty.  Because of the childbirth process, and now having cancer (I take my clothes off and/or am examined pretty much every day), a lot of the things that made me uncomfortable before no longer do so.  So I had to really think long and hard to come up with something.  But, after much contemplating, I actually surprised myself and came up with a short list.  So, here it is.  Enjoy!

Things that make me uncomfortable:

1. Drawing attention to myself.  I hate wearing a swimsuit in public for that reason.  I really don't see the difference in wearing underwear and a swimsuit.  I don't care for strangers to see me in my underwear, so why would I want to prance around them in a swimsuit?  I really value modesty, so perhaps the uncomfortableness comes from that.   But, I also feel like I am being critically examined by others when unclothed.  I think the tendency for Americans is to stare, compare and judge.  That is probably why it also makes me feel uncomfortable when I am around others who are verbally judging or criticizing others for the way they look.  I know I don't like to be criticized or judged for the way I look, so if they are doing that to others, that means they probably do it to me too.

2.  Getting completely nude in front of a stranger.  Ok, so I know that sounds weird--how often do you have to do that, right?  Well, it has only happened to me twice, and it was completely uncomfortable.  One time, I even had photos taken.  Both times this occurred I was at a doctor's office, but still, it was uncomfortable.   The first time it happened, I decided to visit a dermatologist for the first time to get a particular issue on my skin examined.  The nurse came in and asked me to put a gown on.  Then, the physician came in and asked me to take my gown completely off and stand in front of him with my legs shoulder width apart.  Completely nude.  I could feel sweat pouring everywhere due to my nerves while he examined every bit of my skin on my body.  I was NOT expecting that, nor was I prepared.  How did one tiny little skin issue question turn into a completely nude examination.  I guess that is just what some dermatologists do.  The other time was for the first plastic surgeon I visited earlier this year to get a reconstruction opinion.  At least they gave me a tiny paper thong to put on prior to the photo session.   During the photo session, the assistant zoomed the camera in to my inner thigh, buttocks, lower back and abdomen.  Her goal was to show the surgeon all of the potential areas where they may normally be able to remove skin and tissue to create "breasts" following the mastectomy.  Again, the sweat began pouring even though the room was freezing cold.

3.  Performing in front of large crowds.  This probably has a lot to do with #1 on the list.  For some reason, I am completely comfortable speaking in front of large crowds.  I have had to do it a lot, mainly for work.  I am also pretty comfortable playing sports in front of others.  But, it is a different story with musical performances.  I play the flute and piano, and there were many times that I had solos (or recitals) to perform in front of large audiences.  I loved having the solos, but no matter how comfortable I was with the solo, I would get so nervous when it came time to perform in front of a crowd.  Early in my flute playing in 7th grade, I remember vividly a "chair test" that we had to perform in front of the entire 150 person band.  I was completely prepared for the test.  At the time, I was first chair out of around 25 flute players.  I didn't know the test would be performed in front of the entire band.  Of course, the instructor decided to begin with the flute players.  Since I was first chair, I had to perform first.  I thought I would be going to a private room to play for the instructor.  So, I was completely thrown off when he said to me, "Heather, go ahead and play."  "Right now?," I asked.  He said, "yes."  "Right here?," I asked.  "Yes" he said in a perturbed tone.  I began playing.  My hands began sweating profusely.  My flute got so wet from the sweat that I actually dropped it in the middle of the song.  Because I dropped my flute into my lap, I went from first chair to 25th chair.  We had a concert shortly after the chair test, so when my family watched me perform, I was in the last chair.  :-(

Luke at his soccer game.
4.  Watching my 3-year-old, Luke, play soccer.  This probably has a lot to do with my own performance anxiety.  Thus, Luke must get his performance anxiety honestly.  He sings, dances, plays soccer, and does other cool things in front of us all of the time.  But, if we ask Luke to sing a particular song, do his dance or something else in front of others, he becomes very shy and reserved.  He also won't let us take pictures or videos of him.  We have to be sneaky to capture these.  Luke has become pretty comfortable with his soccer team though.  He really enjoys practices and does very well there.  But, when game time comes, a different Luke is on the field.  He becomes extremely shy and afraid of the other team.  It is really uncomfortable for me to watch.  I just want him to be brave and have fun.  But, he obviously is not, so it makes me feel so badly for him. I have a feeling I am always going to be that nervous mom in the stands or the audience watching her child "perform".

5.  Watching untalented people who think they are talented perform.  Okay, I am sort of seeing a theme here.  Apparently, people being critical of others makes me uncomfortable.  I think that is why it bothers me when untalented people who think they have talent perform in front of large audiences.  Examples include the Miss America pageant talent portion or early rounds of American Idol or any other talent show.  Obviously, these untalented folks are participating because they think they have talent.  They are there intentionally to be judged.  It makes me extremely uncomfortable to watch when the untalented are performing (singing off key, dancing terribly, etc.), because I feel so badly that no one has told them they don't have the talent they think they were gifted.  This bothers Drew even more than it bothers me.  I always stay tuned when these people are performing on TV to see what happens.  But, if Drew is watching also, he will change the channel because he cannot bear to watch.

6.  Hearing my own recorded voice.  There is nothing I can do about my voice--it is what it is.  Why does it sound so dorky on recordings?  It makes me so uncomfortable to watch and hear myself back on videos.  I recall having to change my voicemail at work when I was going to be out of the office.  It took me several minutes to get it "just right" because of how dorky my voice sounded.  I would get so nervous trying to record it.   So silly!  I could hardly even listen to the playback because it made me so uncomfortable.

That's my list of what makes me the most uncomfortable.

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