This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Sunday, 2 September 2018

How to brush off a papal scandal

This is the latest instalment in our long-running series "How to be a good pope", intended especially for those of our readers who one day get a tap on the shoulder, and a "Congratulations, Cardinal Imbroglio, here are the keys to Heaven, the Vatican Bank, and Cardinal Cocainepusher's apartment. Now, have a nice day!"

It may happen one day that you are taking a little holiday in Ireland, when a scandal breaks. Archbishop Figaro, whom you never liked, has produced a testimony which, if true, would require your instant resignation.

Pope and McCarrick

"The seminarian was just resting in my bed, Frank."

The central allegation concern a chap called "Uncle Fred", who is one of your best mates, but has been caught with his vestments down. Your predecessor had slapped his wrists and prescribed a regime of cold showers and no contact with vulnerable people, but you decided to kiss him better and restore him to the sybaritic luxury that we expect of a Prince of the Church. Oops!

Your first step is to say nothing. This worked very well for the Dubia, and the jury is still out on whether Amorous Letitia is heretical or not - and you're not going to tell them! It also worked when you took the side of Boozelager against Feasting in the Order of Malt wars.

So what you say is: "I think the statement speaks for itself." This is good Jesuit-speak, as it can be interpreted both ways: either as a confession "It's a fair cop", or, if you can wriggle out of it, as "I ain't done nuffin'." Also try saying "Read that statement attentively and make your own judgment," which should muddy the waters enough for you to escape.

Pope waxwork

Remember, they will only carry you out of the Vatican feet first!

Next, send in the attack poodles! There are lots of nonentities who owe you a favour, like Austin Powers, author of "Pope Frank, the saviour of the universe"; or Fr Rosie from the Satan Lite Corporation; you can rely on Fr Jim LGBTSJ to muddy the waters by confusing celibacy, chastity, and continence; Professor Beans will also blunder in with some choice theologian's insults. Now there's no use in denying anything in Archbishop Figaro's testimony. What the poodles must do is to bite Figaro in the ankles (metaphorically). Call him a terrorist, an extreme right-winger, fomenter of a crude putsch - why he must be LITERALLY HITLER.

Hmm, a day has passed, and that didn't work. Everyone is still expecting something from you. Send in the clowns! Soupy Supich will explain that you have FAR MORE IMPORTANT issues to deal with than mass homosexual rape - such as climate change and migrants. It's true that in your encyclical LOADA SH'T you did explain that we Catholics should no longer worry about Good and Evil, but Environmental issues instead. Oh, and ask Soupy to play the RACE CARD. What race are you? Oh, the same as Figaro? Well it doesn't matter, play it anyway.

Cheshire Cat

Alice goes down a rabbit hole and meets the Supich Cat.

Oh look, Cardinal Maradona's back from counting the money hidden under his bed. He's worried because a journalist has been looking too closely into activities in his seminaries. Time for a sacking! No, not Maradona!! He's just complained that he's the victim of a 'hit man' who practises media harassment. Well, at least it wasn't sexual harassment, as in the seminaries! Get the journalist sacked!

It may be time for you to intervene, finally. No, you fool, not by answering Figaro's allegations! Pull yourself together, you'll end up answering the Dubia if you don't get a grip. So this is what you do:

Pope bans plastics

Clutching at straws?

Remember to update the catechism on this very subject:

66666. Recourse to the use of plastic straws for the purpose of legitimate drinking, following a period of thirst, was long considered an appropriate response to the needs of the individual, and an acceptable, albeit extreme, means of transferring liquids to one's mouth.

Today, however, there is an increasing awareness that the value of the drink is not lost even if it is consumed by alternative methods. In addition, a new understanding has emerged of the significance of tilting glasses in order for their contents to fall out. Lastly, more effective systems of drinking have been developed, which ensure the due nourishment of thirsty citizens but, at the same time, do not definitively destroy the environment.

Consequently, the Church teaches, in the light of the Gospel, that “plastic straws are inadmissible because they are an attack on the inviolability and dignity of nature”, and she works with determination for their abolition worldwide.

Yes, that should work. Another good way of diverting attention is to play the "Where's Wuerly?" game.

Where's Wally?

Where's Wuerly?

One of your more embattled cardinals, Donna Wuerl, is expecting a knock on the door from the FBI. Make him disappear! As Baroness Orgy put it in The Scarlet Nincompoop: Is he in Heaven, is he in Hell? That demmed elusive Donna Wuerl! (Spoiler: he's in Rome, but won't be when they come looking for him!).

Well, that's all gone VERY WELL INDEED. By Sunday the crisis will be over. Ask Austin Powers. Ask Mickens Mouse. Ask Elizabeth Scalia the Pollyanna-chorus... Nothing to see here, let's move on.


  1. Not a single mention of George Neumycin? He's the real hero here!

  2. Absolutely brilliant. Thank Eccles your contribution to the Church is a great tonic that we need.

  3. There is an entire chorus of Pollyanna-choresses but I agree that Elizabeth is their worthy mistress.

    (I do hope that someone talented is making progress on the opera. Or semi-talented, even.)

  4. If an ex-lab technician (test tube cleaner) with as much knowledge of theology as my own in playing the Mongolian nose flute, can become Pope, then yes, why not any one of us? I suggest universal suffrage. My own manifesto is in the preparatory stage but I would definitely promote all my buddies and demote anyone who doesn't agree that seminaries should be renamed 'pink harems' (Cardinals for the use of) and would change the Catechism to make it a mortal sin not to vote for the Green party or to use plastic straws or to have children, so as to make room for the immigrants. I think that you will agree that this is an excellent start and should attract the votes of many in the hierarchy and hopefully your own. Slogan 'Relaxat. Religio est, non refert, de vita et mors'. 'Loosen up. Religion isn't a matter of life and death'.

  5. Dear Eccles, that was epic! There are too many funnies to mention. And that new entry to the catechism was golden. Loada Sh't LOL!

  6. Clearly destined to be part of the anthology "Eccles Greatest Hits".

  7. Weeeell: it's holy genius Bruvver Eccles for Pope then, innit? According to what Frank the Argie sez and writes, he seems to have left la Iglesia Catolica even if he's not left the job yet.

  8. Dear Papa,

    About the Vigano Affidavit, I am not going to say a word (although it wasn't a patch on the Bourne Ultimatum) but I prefer to speak about your ability to do your job, y'know like confirm the brethren, refute error, not protect sexual predators. Well, any that you ever had has long since evaporated so please, resign, step down, abdicate, throw in the towel. Stop wearing white. Retire to a very remote monastery or better still, start one in Kangiqsualujjuaq and spend the rest of your days in prayer, penance and reading books by authors beginning with 's' (e.g. Saint Alphonsus, Saint Maximillian Kolbe, Saint Thomas Aquinas, William Shatner). It will do you good, really.

  9. "With people who of good will, with people who seek only the end of the scandals, who seek only the end of divisions, who seek only destruction of evils, even within the family: there is nothing but omertà," Francis said during a service at St Martha's, the pro-LGBT boarding house where he stays.

    The Pope's message yesterday came on the heels of a meeting of young Catholics who told the Vatican they want a more transparent and authentic church.




    These things are easy to understand, for just as the Church should promote chastity by giving communion to adulterers, so shall the Church encourage a pro-LGBT youth-driven shouty omertà against corruption.

  10. If there's a problem with vice, just let the Vice Pope handle it.

  11. Thanx. U jus get beta an beta!

  12. Bruvver Eccles, I is love to hear u advice on de Pappa abdickapitation, as I think is good time 4 new space gangster giant slug.

    Any top tips ?