Pick n Mix Kidnaps
Please insert your own sordid sexual details.


You are standing in the queue at Sainsbury's. It's a long queue, and you are bored. You have eaten a third of your shopping, and the batteries of your portable stereo are flat. There are fifteen people in front of you, all paying by cheque. The queue beside yours is moving increasingly faster. Etcetera.

A group of young leather dykes come in and start a shoplifting spree. Because lesbians are invisible they are getting away with it. Soon they are bored with rifling the shelves, and loot people's trolleys. One of them tries to pinch a jar of marmalade from yours.

'Oi!' you shout.

All dykey eyes turn on you. They smirk, and put the jar back. A bunch of them have erected some scaffolding, with chains and straps, in an unused checkout aisle. They drag you over to it, strap you in and hoist you up.

Still everyone ignores this and carries on with their shopping. It takes a lot of adjustment to get you to the correct height so they can ...



You are at a party and very upset. Your relationship has ended and you feel like shit. You can't relax and enjoy yourself. You can't move. You just stand there and stare at the wall, trying not to cry.

A guy you've never seen before (who might have been Martin Hall's best mate, but wasn't quite so dishy) approaches you. He is very smartly dressed. A woman, also smartly dressed (looks like Imogen Stubbs) is standing in the doorway. You sense that they are together. The man takes your hand, as if to say, 'Come with me.'

He walks out of the door with you and the woman follows. All your friends are watching and are gutted. HA HA HA.



It is late at night and you are about ten minutes from home. The High Street is empty.

You hear loud music as you turn the corner. There is a red car parked outside the chip shop. It is full of Essex girls. You have to walk right past them.

They start to jeer at you and yell 'Sexy!' in mocking tones. You walk faster. They reverse the car and keep up with you. One of them opens the door, grabs you round the wrist and yanks you in. They hold you on their laps and, giggling, drive off.

Or, if you don't fancy that, it could be Starsky and Hutch.


Actually, I can't think of any more

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