Maryanne and the Baby Fetish

[photo from Dibbly-Fresh]

Dear Mary Anne,

Hey there, just checking in with you because things don’t seem right with you. I remember you as a sheltered girl who one day takes a stand against her father for her independence. When Jenny Presioso was ill, you totally took charge. I remember feeling like I was right there with you through those awkward times when you first met Logan. And you wore a skirt with the words “London, Paris and New York” on it, and you were my fashion goddess. And oh my god, when you had to be mother’s helpers with that ditz Stacey? That must have been annoying. But you handled it with aplomb and maturity.

Lately things have been off. Let’s start with this baby fetish thing. What thirteen year old is that obsessed with babies? And are you really going to keep pressuring your parents to have one? Don’t you realize that it essentially means that you are asking them to have lots of sex? Maybe you’ve been baby-sitting too much. Perhaps you should try something more age-appropriate. Like getting high under the bleachers and letting Logan dry hump you in his rumpus room.

And this project for your modern living class? The egg-baby thing? You are really taking this too seriously. It’s just an egg Mary Anne, you don’t have to pretend to breast-feed it every hour. And the fact that you are MAD that Logan won’t let you spend time with it is really…well, annoying. Just stick it in the fridge for the night and be done with it. Did you really have to take it with you on your movie date with Logan? Just leave it at home. Really, does anyone need to know?

I am glad that that totally useless cliched teen plot device made you realize how hard it is to be a parent and that it prompted you to appreciate your parents more. heck, if I were your dad and had to put up with Sharon’s ecstasy-fueled episodes and Dawn’s holier-than-thou speeches about health food, I’d want a little appreciation too.

Maybe you are getting annoyed at the fact that you’ve been in the eighth grade for 14 years, or that you are stuck with that annoying brat Kristy as a best friend, or the fact that sex does not exist in your world, but come on, where’s the Mary Anne that I remember? I miss her.


the world

Posted in: bsc

23 thoughts on “Maryanne and the Baby Fetish

  1. Rio says:

    I am suddenly having horrible visions of Logan and Mary Anne trying to conceive.

    MA: “Logan, what’s that?”
    LOGAN: “It’s mah paynis, baby.”
    MA: “Oh . . . I can’t handle this . . . (sniffle) Can’t we just adopt a nice Asian baby like Kristy’s mom?”
    LOGAN: “But, Marah Anne, I thought we was gonna have sexual intercourse!”
    MA: “Don’t touch me, you oaf! That’s it! I’m calling an emergency meeting of the BSC!”

  2. Magenta Galaxy says:

    I LOVE this letter!

    I did the egg baby project in high school. Mine lived in a souvenier cup from a basketball game and went in the fridge as soon as I got home. At no point did I attempt to feed it, make it a schedule, have it on playdates, or take it to the movies, as I recall MA and Logan do. I wish, when I read this one, I had counted how many times I yelled “IT IS A F*CKING EGG, YOU IDIOTS!!!!!!! at the book”

  3. glittergirley says:

    I always wondered why the stupid girl never called a babysitter for her stupid egg when they went to the movies. Hello? Has she never heard of the babysitters club? I mean, you call one number and reach seven sitters!! Thats how grown-ups do it!

  4. Anne says:

    Are you kidding Glitter? Kristy would probably use it as a baseball for Krusher’s practice, Claudia would incorporate it into an art project, Dawn would use it as a demonstration aid for an all-vegan rally, Stacey would use it as an ingredient in her makeup… and Jessi and Mallory, well would you trust an 11 year old with YOUR middle-school-fake-baby-egg?

  5. Enid Rollins says:

    What the uckfay? I need to go to the local used bookstore, which is drowning in BSC, and practically shoves them in your hands…this sounds so freaking pathetic…

  6. BartTempleton says:

    IHW poses the all-important question: considering this is the asexual BSC, does MA understand that asking her parents to have another child is urging them to insert Slot A in Slot B?

    Also, WTF type of maternal urge book is necessary in a series that already focuses on 8th graders and ELEVEN year olds who are better parents those of their charges? This entire series is an ode to maternalism.

    In my YA alternate reality, MaryAnne (or any of the sitters) would become turned off to kids to the point that they consider dropping out of the BSC. They start referring to kids as “brats” and “rugrats” and do little things to torture their charges, like turn off the lights to freak out a kid that complains of the dark, and purposely serve chunky peanut butter to a bratty kid with braces.

  7. nikki says:

    Just think, if it wasn’t for the wonderful Egg project (which I also did for Home Ec in 8th grade!) M.A. NEVER would have realized how difficult it is to have kids. That is until Logan knocked her up in 9th grade and she had one of her own….

    Rio= my new hero!

  8. Anne says:

    Can you just imagine Mr. Speir’s reaction when Mary Anne comes home knocked up and tells him and Sharon…


  9. girltalkread says:

    I myself much preferred the episode of Degrassi Jr High when Spike and Shane had to care for ” Eggbert” when Spike was prego- anyone recall that?

  10. momgeek says:

    @Rio: I totally thought this:
    “MA: “Oh . . . I can’t handle this . . . (sniffle) ”
    said this:
    “MA: “Oh . . . I can’t handle this . . . (sniff) ”

    (like she was sniffing his “pay-nis”) and about fell out of my chair laughing. Still excellently funny either way, though 🙂

    When I took child care my senior year of high school we each had to take the “real” baby home for one night. It had some type of timer or something to make it go off every 2 to 3 hours, and would only stop by inserting this “key” into its back and holding it there for about 10 minutes. That (I guess) was supposed to simulate feeding. It was an okay way to simulate the responsibility of having a baby but after having helped with my much younger siblings I knew that it wasn’t really that realistic.

  11. Alee says:

    1980s sitcoms and books like these made me think that everybody and their brother had an egg/bag of flour baby in high school. I never did (public school, Midwest U.S., mid-1990s). How commonplace WAS this project?

  12. CNJ says:

    Hilarious! I’m glad Mary Anne and Logan broke up for good in a later book; Logan was such an a$$ and didn’t deserve Mary Anne. I thought it was cute that Mary Anne wanted to “breast-feed” (not that she had her breasts yet) her “egg;” it showed that when she got older (and developed breasts) and had a career, she’d make a good mother.

    I think Mary Anne and Logan ALMOST lose their virginity with each other, but remember that they don’t have the necessary protection and Mary Anne fears that Logan’s nasty dad Lyman would kill them both anyway.

  13. CNJ says:

    I just remembered this fanfic I wrote a while ago where Mary Anne and Logan ALMOST lose their virginity…

    Later after their breakup, I have Logan tranfer the the ex-Fabulous Five’s high school and start dating Melanie Edwards and they wind up losing their virginity to each other and wind up married, than later miserably married with two messed-up kids, lol.

    Hey, I also have Logan, Melanie, Jana Morgan and her glued-on psuedo-husband Randy Kirwan get involved in a HUGE scandal when they’re at Connecticut U… I had loads of fun writing this one! Hope you all have just as much fun reading it.

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