The Point

Uncle Frank: You got any friends, Andy?
  Andrew: No.
Uncle Frank: Oh, why's that?
  Andrew: I don't know, I just never really saw the use.
Uncle Frank: Well, who are you going to play with otherwise? Lennon and McCartney, they were school buddies, am I right?
  Andrew: Charlie Parker didn't know anybody 'til Jo Jones threw a cymbal at his head.
Uncle Frank: So that's your idea of success, huh?
  Andrew: I think being the greatest musician of the 20th century is anybody's idea of success.
Jim: Dying broke and drunk and full of heroin at the age of 34 is not exactly my idea of success.
Uncle Frank: Ah, but your friends will remember you, that's the point.
  Andrew: None of us were friends with Charlie Parker. *That's* the point.
Uncle Frank: Travis and Dustin? They have plenty of friends and plenty of purpose.
  Andrew: I'm sure they'll make great school board presidents someday.
Dustin: Oh, that's what this is all about? You think you're better than us?
  Andrew: You catch on quick. Are you in Model UN?
Travis: I got a reply for you, Andrew. You think Carleton football's a joke? Come play with us.
  Andrew: Four words you will never hear from the NFL.
Aunt Emma: Who wants dessert?*
*Quotes from Whiplash (2014). Ah, don't swallow everything. See the point?



We can never know when we will die.
Malu rasanya ketika menyadari bahwa selama ini yang dipikir adalah, kenapa belum gajian, kenapa belum dapat bonus, kenapa belum nikah, kenapa di Palembang, kenapa gak pindah-pindah, kenapa tahun 2017 itu masih lama, kenapa dibenci si A, kenapa menyukai si B, kenapa dicuekin si C, dan kenapa-kenapa remeh lainnya. Pernahkah berfikir: kenapa masih hidup? Kapan meninggal?

Pagi ini saya dikejutkan dengan berita meninggalnya seorang teman dekat waktu kuliah. Jujur saja, mendengar kabar bahwa dia meninggal saja saya masih belum bisa percaya karena berasa baru kemarin kami bertemu dan bercanda. Harus percaya itu pula? Tapi memang benar. Sekarang saya masih di kantor dan saya kesulitan konsentrasi memikirkannya. Masih sedih sekali rasanya.

S (perempuan), teman saya itu, adalah salah satu teman dekat waktu kuliah. Karena NPM (Nomor Pokok Mahasiswa) kami berdekatan, waktu tahun pertama kuliah itu kami bahkan sekelompok di praktikum. S itu anaknya polos banget. Bisa banget kita bully-bully karena dia juga gak pernah marah. Sering juga jadi tempat curhatnya anak-anak. Jadi temen nge-warnet pas dulu-dulu nge-net malem-malem karena lebih murah, temen Friendster-an, yang dikit-dikit minta testimony biar halaman FS-nya penuh, ah pokoknya anaknya lucu dan baik banget. Waktu saya masih OJT di Jakarta, dia bahkan teman kuliah pertama yang saya ajakin ketemuan di Jakarta. Ya emang karena kosan dia deket juga sih dari kosan saya.

Terakhir ketemu adalah di bulan Oktober 2014. Sempet selfie-selfie-an beberapa kali. Sekali lagi, S itu anaknya asyik banget dan polos. Gak heran temennya banyak.


Masih sedih. Terlebih lagi tidak bisa ber-takziah ke rumah duka. Memang benar seperti janji-Nya, bahwa kematian itu pasti. Masalahnya kita gak bisa pernah tau kapan. Pernahkah kita berpikir lebih, berusaha lebih, dan berdoa lebih, untuk mempersiapkan kepulangan kita ke hadirat-Nya? Ini adalah cerminan. Selamat jalan S. Di usiamu yang baru 26, semoga husnul khotimah, dan keluarga yang ditinggalkan diberikan ketabahan. Semoga kami, teman-teman yang sangat menyukai kamu, diberikan hikmah atas kedukaan ini.

Teringat display picture Whatsapp terakhir S:
Kecilkan dunia, besarkan akhirat. S (last seen yesterday at 10:01 PM).
Semoga amal ibadahmu diterima di sisi-Nya. Aamiin.


Be Nice?

I have been growing up with this thoughts people been telling me to live by:
"Don't do something nice unless the person is nice."
I never agree with that, tho. If we do nice things to people based on that thoughts, wouldn't that be insincere? Are we waiting to be treated nice before doing something nice? Aren't we should be giving before taking?

This scene is captured from The Grand Budapest Hotel, one of my favorite artsy movie. Plain paper, sketched with pen and colored with pastel.

These days I found the thought seems appropriate.

I realized that I am not a very nice person. I rarely trying too hard to be nice. I only nice to people I consider nice. I think, even if one million people told me someone is bad but he/she's nice to me, then I will consider him/her as nice. So when I do good deeds to a particular person and he doesn't appreciate it (although I always consider him/her as nice), I feel ditched. Why did they do that? Even something interesting I mentioned in my previous post became lame because of it. Hmm.. I guess I need to see a psychiatrist (or pray harder - I am in the state called "futur" perhaps) for having too much negativity in my head.


The Sporty Doesn't Sport

Iya gaya gue sporty. Tapi gue gak suka sport lho (ih so what banget sih).

Dulu pas Medical Check Up pas baru mau masuk kerja, saya pernah disuruh ngulang lari dua kali gara-gara katanya sih kurang bugar - secara saya gak suka olahraga apapun. Eh pas kemarin hasil MCU tahunan ke luar, ternyata permasalahan saya tetap sama: kurang bugar dan harus banyak olahraga. Nah masalahnya saya orangnya sangat tidak hobby dengan yang namanya olahraga. Terus gimana dong??

Ini lho yang saya bilang sebagai kegiatan yang bikin keringetan. Kode-nya: Bintang - inside joke kami aja sih wehehe.
Dulu saya tuh mikirnya, olahraga itu buat mereka yang ingin membentuk badan atau ingin diet. Lah saya? Saya kurus banget! BMI aja satu point di bawah normal T_T. Saya suka takut aja gitu kalau badan saya tambah menyusut gara-gara olahraga. Atau tiba-tiba badan saya jadi berotot kayak Korra - ya ampun kecil-kecil berotot, mikirnya aja merinding.

Ternyata pikiran itu SALAH. Olahraga itu bukan semata-mata biar kurus atau biar six pack kayak Agnezmo gitu ya, tapi yaaa biar seger aja, gak gampang capek, ngeluarin hormon bahagia (endorphin) dan bikin awet muda (katanyaa). Lagian gak semua jenis olahraga itu bisa bikin bisep-trisep gembung atau betis menggelembung juga kan.


To Be Liked - Or Not

What is it the essence of being a likable person? Why do people trying so hard to be liked?

I don't care if people like me or not. What I do care is when they show so much disrespect towards me as if they try to emphasize their dis-likeness to me. I know myself very much, along with my inability to be easily liked. Do you think I like myself?

I am not a likable person. That is why I am aware when a particular person dislikes me - perhaps the code is very subtle, but I can feel it. Somehow I don't care. But at other times when people start questioning - I am like, man it's hurt. The most humiliating feeling is when your closest friend also judge you and asks you to think about why that particular person doesn't like you. Because at times it seems that I was the one who doesn't like that person.

A: "I think he doesn't like me."
B: "Stop it. He is a natural kind."
A: "So is it my fault then if he doesn't like me because he is kind and I am not?"
B: "I'm just saying that he is kind. It's kind of strange when you don't like him."

Oh yeah. It seems so abnormal when this particular person doesn't like me. What did I do? It's not that I care. I just, well, people questioning, and I felt judged and being (wrongly) judged is not that comfortable.

It was funny when, you know, I once trying to be as bubbly as that person - or groups. But I am bitter inside. Here's the thing. I am not interested in any forced relationship - and this is applied in every aspect: love, life, friendship, sisterhood, you named it. If you don't like me, I don't care, do as you please. I don't think being a good person means you can't unlike anybody or anything. Same as being disliked doesn't mean that you're bad. So it's not your fault if you don't like me while I try to dislike people as few as possible - yeah I have the list.

Hey, I know a thing. Why bother so much? Yes. Stop it. Because the answer is always this: I could care less.