Sephiroth MISTed Disclaimer:The fic Sephiroth is Will Church's and I found the story at RPG Gamer. The riffs are mine, but the crew at SOL and MST 3000 are from Best Brains. Copyright. No infringement is intended and it is not my intention to hurt anyone's feelings. Just having some fun. That's all. The fic is well written, but it contains stuff that opened the door for riffs. Just laugh and enjoy. This is my first MiST. In the not too distant future next Sunday AD There was a guy named Joel Not too different from you or me! He worked at Gizmonic Institute Just another face in a red Jump Suit He did a good job cleaning up the place. But his bosses didn't like him so they shot him into space!!! They sent him cheesy fanfics The worst they can find he has to sit and watch them all as they moniter his mind. Now keep in mind Joel can't control where the fanfics begin or end because he used those special parts to make his robot friends!! ROBOT ROLL CALL Cambot Gypsy Tom Servo Crow. You wonder how he eats and breaths and other science facts but keep in mind it's just a show so I pray you just relax for Mystery Science Theater 3000!!!!!! (In the SOL, Tom Servo and Crow are playing Final Fantasy 7 totally engrossed by Sephiroth as he destroys the town of Nibelheim.) TOM(Beavis):Fire Fire heheehehehe CROW(Butthead):Yea, fire is cool. (Enter Joel) JOEL:Hey guys! How's the game? Isn't this your 20th time playing? TOM:Yep! It's great! I just loooove it when Sephiroth burns Nibelheim!! It's soooo coool! JOEL:But, Tom, he killed innocent people! CROW: So what? It's only a game. Besides, who cares about people who blow smoke of Cloud's ass! He's overhyped as it is! JOEL: Who would blow smoke up Cloud's donkey?? Cloud doesn't have a donkey. (Tom and Crow groan as they watch Sephiroth head for the reactor.) TOM:O this is the best part! When Sephie rips off Jenova's head! CROW: Her head. I didn't know she had a head.. JOEL: Crow. the head on her neck, not the one...o never mind. She's female. She doesn't have THAT kind of head! TOM:Unless she gives it ahahahahhah!! JOEL:Tom, cut it out! (A yellow light flashes) It's Dr. Forrester. (Joel pushes the button. Dr.F and his lab assistant, Frank appear on the screen. They are at the Gizmonic lab. ) Dr. F:Oh so you fools are busy playing Final Fantasy 7. How sweet! TOM:Sweet?? um, FF7 is sweet? Dr. F.--Whatever, it's overhyped anyway and so are the fanfics! FRANK: Well, I liked some of them. I personally liked Battle of the Mind. Dr. F: ARGH! I thought that the fanboys were shot into space. hmm..(grins) Maybe I can send you too. FRANK: Ohh no no no no! I was just kidding! Dr. F-- Good! Anyway, it's time for our invention exchange. JOEL:(sarcastic): yay. ( Frank sits at a computer and Dr. F stands over him.) Dr. F: Now I know that you rats have been to the Geocities and Angelfire sites, right? CROW: Yea so? They have those annoying pop up adds that always cause those java script errors and-- Dr. F: You end up getting cut off! Well, good for you! But, not good for us! So, (He holds up a laser gun) I have invented the Java Script Pop Up Eliminator. TOM: The what? Dr. F: Nevermind. (He hands Frank the gun.) Show them, how it's done. FRANK: Well, first you go to a Geocities or Angelfire site. Then, when the pop up add appears, you aim the gun at the screen and shoot. The laser emitted from the gun will destroy the pop up add forever and you can see the site without any further interruptions. Here, I'll show you. (Frank types in the URL to a Geocities site. He patiently waits for it to load. When the pop up ad appears, Frank shoots the computer screen. The computer explodes. Frank's face and hair are blackened. Both doctors are choking. Dr. F waves the smoke away as Frank stumbles to a sink to wash himself. Joel and the bots hold back laughter.) JOEL: Well, it was a good idea while it lasted. DR. F--ARGH! Frank must have ruined it! It's all your fault, Frank! FRANK: At least the Java Script Errors are gone! DR. F: So is the computer, you moron! So, what's your invention, Joel? JOEL(Walks to a computer moniter. Crow prepares a coffee pot. Tom stands beside Joel): Well, we have the same problems with the Java Script errors as you guys do. But, we found a more peaceful solution. See, the computer and the browser are connected to a coffee pot. When the browser picks up a java script error from the pop up ads, we get cut off. However, a signal is sent to the coffee pot. When we get cut off, the coffee machine begins to make coffee. So, while we are waiting to reboot, we get a nice cup of Java. (Joel types in a Geocities URL. The pop up ads appear and Joel gets cut off. The coffee machine begins to produce coffee. While Joel is rebooting, he is enjoying a nice cup of joe.) So, what do you think? DR.F:Putird garbage! How does a cup of coffee fix the Java Script errors? CROW: Well, that's easy. We drink our coffee and download an upgraded broswer. DR. F(growls): Well, I have a fic for you today! JOEL: Uh oh. Dr. F--It's about your precious Sephiroth. TOM and CROW:YAYYAYAYYA!! Dr. F.--except Poor Sephy is Really screwed over in the fic. TOM and CROW:boooooo!! CROW: Is it a Lemon!? Dr. F--No, but you will have to find out in this er, "Fanfic" if you can call it that, of course. May it shatter you into a thousand pieces Sephie fanboys! Send it to them, Frank. (Moniter goes off as Frank is wiping his face of the black grime while sending the post.) TOM:um, this doesn't sound good. JOEL: Well, we've been through worse. um, I think! (Red Light Flashes) O WE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!!!!! (Joel and the robots rush into the theater.) 7....,6...,5....,4...,3....,2....,1... Sephiroth TOM: Well,that's pretty blunt! CROW: Good's over! yayay! JOEL: Wishful thinking, guys by: Will Church TOM(Chris Rock): Get your ass to Church. CROW: But we don't have the Will to do that!! TOM: He does. Hence his name: Will Church. JOEL: Uh, okay. Guess he goes to Church a lot! "No!" he wanted to shout. CROW: But he did not! Instead he Screamed "YES!!!" JOEL: Um, no. This isn't a Lemon, Crow. CROW: awwwww.. TOM: Some beginning. Better than what I've seen in other fics. CROW: But what was he shouting at?? but he was no longer in control of himself. JOEL: He wasn't potty trained!! CROW: He developed Epilepsy and is now shaking all over. TOM: ugh... The evil thing that called itself Jenova was in control CROW: Um, this is Sephiroth we're talking about. He may have been insane, but nobody controlled him. JOEL: That's not how the author sees it. TOM: He must be blind! He summoned CROW: Bahamut! TOM: Satan! JOEL: The Dolphin! a comet and sent it hurtling into the sun. TOM: Strike one! JOEL: Ouch! That must hurt! As the young star went super nova, CROW: um, didn't this comet turn Jupiter into a doughnut? JOEL: Dunno, but I do know that a sun is NOT a young star! CROW: Well, isn't the comet spell called Super Nova? JOEL:Um, maybe he actually summoned the sun or something. CROW:Summoned the SUN? whatever, anyway, a comet would have been devoured by the sun or at least caught in the gravitational pull. JOEL:Crow! Don't think! READ! Sephiroth bathed himself in its light. TOM:Calgon take me away! Its power, its force, energized him keeps going and going and going.... to levels beyond his wildest dreams. CROW: Ahhhh, but second only to his dreams of Vincent, Tseng and a jar olive oil. He awaited the destruction of his foolish enemies that was eminent. CROW: Is this another I Am Intellectual author? TOM: Oh you mean the ones who say, "Swarthering through a synapses of consummating amoebae?" JOEL: What? No! eminent means grand. CROW: So, the destruction of his foolish enemies was grand? wow. At least Seph has confidence. But it never came. CROW:Awwww poor Sephie got stood up. A power shielded them from the full force of his fury. TOM:WHAT? WHO? CROW: obviously he means the FF7 party. They used Wall. TOM: O how easy. bllaaa why didn't they just get killed so Sephie wins and this fic can end? And then they destroyed him. JOEL: oooooo gripping action from Will Church!! Or so was thought. TOM:They thought? What they really thought was that I don't the difference between a Pepsi and a Coke. Deep within the Great Crater, CROW: Voice of the Deep.... Sephiroth hovered within the Lifestream, CROW:See what too much masturbation can do? TOM and JOEL:CROW!!! CROW:what? brooding over his final defeat. CROW:(Sephiroth) waaaaaaa....I lost to a bunch of wimpy, whiny weasels who think they're sooooo great! TOM:Talk about cheap shots! After his Jenova induced form had been beaten, TOM:To make a Jenova omelet. he had been able to shrug off her traitorous control. JOEL: Traitorous indeed. At least this author can spell. TOM:He just shrugged his shoulders and Jenova was gone! He had summoned Strife's spirit to him and prepared to defeat him once and for all. ALL:YAYAYYYYAYAYYAYYA!!!!!! CROW:O please let this fic be an anti Cloud fic...please!! As he readied for battle, TOM:He put on his best outfit, make up and fixed his hair for his precious strife against Strife! he had once again underestimated his former student's abilities. CROW:Give me a break! Sephiroth is NOT stupid, he of all people knows that you should NEVER underestimate your opponent! TOM:Don't think! READ! It'll be done faster! Weakened from his battles before, TOM: That's what happens when you don't eat your Wheaties. CROW: Or your spinach. Sephiroth was no match for Cloud's onslaught. JOEL: They were simply incompatible! The pain had been unbelievable JOEL:Unbelievable?? The pain was lying through it's teeth! as Cloud struck him time after time. ALL:Cheap shot... after cheap shot... after cheap shot.. The blows seemed to go on forever, CROW: As Sephiroth moaned in ecstasy and came into Cloud's mouth! TOM and JOEL:CROW!!!!! and then ceased as swiftly as they'd begun. TOM:Well, that was fast. Cloud the Blitzkrieg. Bloody and beaten, Sephiroth's silent scream CROW:For the world had suddenly gone deaf! marked his passing from this world. JOEL:The world is but a giant intestine that passes everyone through it's rectum! The Lifestream claimed him, CROW: Snicker....Lifestream heehehee. and Cloud returned to his body, triumphant. TOM(Ted):duh! Most triumphant dude. He hated that memory. JOEL:As opposed to:"Sephiroth loved it when he got the tar beat out of him." He was to be God! How was it that those puny humans could have beaten him? CROW:Pure luck! That's all and cheap shots! TOM:That and the fact the FF7 party ganged up on him! Oh, he knew. ALL:HE DID?? JOEL:Well, then if he knew, he could have prevented it! DOH! Jenova's traitorous attempt to take over his mind, as he had done to so many. He had resisted his "mother", though, and beaten her within his mind, eradicating her power forever. The encounter had simply left him too weakened to deal with the determined heroes who opposed him. And the mysterious power that had weakened his comet.... ALL:WHAT?? CROW:Let's get out of here!!! (They leave the theater.) 1...2...3...4..5..6..7.. (In the SOL. Joel is scratching his head.) JOEL:Call me dense, but I thought she was controlling him in that battle! CROW:Well, dense, it should have weakened Cloud too, didn't he resist Sephiroth? TOM:I fail to see how these "Heroes" had any real determination. JOEL:Anyone who has the advantage would have determination. TOM: Please paragraph make sense!! Please... CROW: Well, at least the grammar is correct. That makes sense. But, I never saw Sephiroth fight Jenova. Where was this?? JOEL: In the author's mind of course. TOM: But I could have sworn the party beat Jenova! JOEL: Maybe they took the credit for it! I dunno. The paragraph contradicts the beginning of the story! TOM:Maybe Sephie's making excuses. That's it! Sephie's making excuses! CROW: O come on! Sephie has too much pride for that! JOEL:Not according to the fanfic author! CROW:This is CLEARLY an anti-Seph fic. JOEL:It took you THAT long to figure it out! Geez Crow. See how your nasty thoughts make you dense!? TOM: Now he's talking about a mysterious power. CROW: That was Wall! Seph had to have known the party had that. After all, he was the first to cast the spell! TOM: Yea, that's why we got our butts stomped the first time. CROW: No, the Super Nova did that. JOEL: That blew up planets. TOM: Hey, let's try it. JOEL: What? TOM: Let's emulate the spell and see what it can really do. CROW: Yea, if it destroys planets, then we can destroy Dr. Forrester and Frank and we would be free! JOEL: Yea, free to lose oxygen and die! TOM: But, Gypsy handles that! JOEL: But those doctors supply the oxygen. Besides, innocent people could get hurt. THE BOTS: Oh yea. CROW: Well, it was a fun idea while it lasted. (Red Light Flashes) ALL: We've got fanfic sign!! 7.....6...5...4...3...2..1.. (The trio re-enters the theater) TOM: Oh I had such a cool idea. We could have blown up planets. Make real doughnuts. Sephiroth angrily lashed out at his prison. TOM:(Sephiroth): I hate you, prison!!!! I hate you!! Damn you! CROW:(Sephiroth):waaaaa I'm stuck in this fanfic where the author eliminates my pride and forces me to make excuses! Help!! This sucks!! When Cloud had beaten him, JOEL:To a bloody red pulp! CROW:And made Sephie omelet! he had not defused into the Lifestream as everyone thought. TOM:Not defused? Well, what do you know? A double negative. CROW: Um, so he did not unliquify into the lifestream? He liquefied. hmmmm..a Sephie drink. He was merely trapped within it, unable to do anything but listen to his mind accuse him of his actions. TOM:waaaaaaa you bad actions bad!! You did bad things to me!! That was to change. JOEL:Into a blue velvet dress. He reached within himself, ALL:(Snickers) CROW:and...(But Joel clamps his beak shut) mpppphhhh.. drawing upon his last reserves of magical power. TOM:From a nearby gas station. JOEL:From the oil fields. CROW: From a big old can of beans. The Planet cried out in incredible agony as it tried to hold him CROW:(Scotty):We can't hold out much longer. , but to no avail. JOEL:Woa!!! That was good! TOM:O please every other fantasy novel has those three words. JOEL:Like where? TOM: Like in Tolkein, Dennis Mckiernan....etc.. JOEL:Okay okay it's cliched. Sephiroth burst from the Lifestream, TOM: Like a stripper from a large cake! JOEL:You too, Tom? TOM:Hey, it was a good simile. Don't you think? CROW:I think so! JOEL: You would! tumbling unceremoniously to the rocky ground below. He shook his head trying to clear it. CROW:He's trying to clear the rocky ground below? By shaking his head? His sword, the Masamune, glittered softly nearby. TOM:So glitter makes noise now. JOEL:um, I think he means it wasn't that bright. TOM:Oh. He picked up the black blade, JOEL:Wasn't it silver? TOM:Not to the author. feeling its power run through his veins. CROW:As opposed to blood. What now? JOEL:Now go to Burger King and order a Double Whopper Combo with cheese, King sizes fries and a Large Mr. Pibb. If he exposed himself to the world now, it would mean his destruction. ALL:(Snicker) CROW:Nobody wants to see Sephie's penis!! His twin sons were dead, ALL:WHAT??? JOEL:um, when did Sephiroth have twins? TOM:I did not see this in the game. he had felt that much from within the Lifestream. ALL:(Snicker) CROW:Yea,I'm sure he felt more than that! So was their mother; he could not rely on her help. JOEL:What mother? CROW:This is nowhere in the game. Shinra Corporation lay in ruins, destroyed by Diamond Weapon. TOM:The diamond ring destroyed everything in it's path! It was no longer run by the Shinra family; there was no need to wreck more revenge upon them. JOEL:NAAA! just let it sit there in ruins, Ignore Reeve and the remaining Turks who are no doubt paying money for a chance to pee on you. Revenge.It had been sweet, CROW:Yep. Especially with whipped cream, hot fudge, and a cherry on the top! (Joel and Tom look at Crow) Um, It wasn't meant to be perverted. watching the look on Shinra's face when Sephiroth had stepped into the room. TOM:(Shinra) DOOOHH! Who's that guy with the sword? His sword had been dripping with the blood of the Shinra guards he'd slain on his trek up the stairs. JOEL:(Makes plopping noises by lightly hitting his cheek with his fingers.) To his credit, TOM:That he would have to pay back. Shinra had recovered his cool quickly, demanding answers as to Sephiroth's whereabouts for the last five years. CROW(Shinra): Before you chop me into 900 pieces, I demand to know where you've been. It was unfortunate that Sephiroth had not been in the mood for demands. TOM:Sephiroth is never in the mood. Even as President Shinra pulled the pistol from his desk drawer, Sephiroth had leaped into the air, avoiding the gunfire. JOEL:Ahh he is able to dodge bullets! Just like Superman! Then descending upon Shinra like a fallen angel, he plunged his sword through his back, pinning him to the desk. CROW:It's pin the president to the desk game. TOM:Much like pin the tail on the donkey, only much better! Then he had left, mere minutes before Cloud and his friends had arrived. JOEL(Cloud):Damn! We missed him! Sephiroth's mind snapped back to the present. TOM:SNAP! CROW:Ouch! Cloud! The very name brought hatred welling up into his heart. JOEL:(Sephiroth):BRRRR!!! I hate Cloud!!!! Cloud sucks!! CROW: Then, a crowd of aliens burst through Sephiroth's chest! The former student had beaten him twice now. CROW(Sephiroth):This is the last time Cloud is making omelet out of me! And, Sephiroth was forced to admit, would beat him again. CROW(Sephiroth):um, maybe not. He was too weak now, a mere shadow of his former self. TOM:Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of man?....The shadow knows.... True, he was strong, and skilled with his blade, CROW(snickers):yea, I'm sure. eheheehehh.. but he no longer possessed materia or the direct connection with the Planet he had once held. JOEL:We are sorry, Sephie, the phone line has been disconnected. No, if he attempted to attack Cloud, he was sure of the outcome. JOEL(sings)Raise your hand if your sure!! Sephiroth screamed in frustration. ALL:WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! TOM: I've fallen and I can't reach my beer! His echoes reverberated throughout the cave. JOEL:echo......echo....echo... TOM:echo the dolphin..... Then he heard another sound. . . footsteps. Heavy ones. ALL:boom ba ba boom ba ba boom.... He crouched, CROW:And took a HUGE dump! waiting for whatever was hunting him. CROW:While taking a HUGE dump. JOEL:Phew! Seph stank up the whole cave and instantly killed whoever was hunting him. Soon, the source of the footsteps came into sight. JOEL: It was Palmer! He was just going for a walk to burn off all his calories from his huge lard feast. CROW: Palmer would have to walk to Brazil to do that! An Iron Man. ALL (singing Black Sabbath song, Iron Man,) Its eyes narrowed as it saw the man before it. A puny human! He would destroy it quickly. JOEL:um, who's doing what here? TOM:Isn't this a point of view shift? I mean, okay, the Iron Man's eyes narrowed as it saw the man. The man being Sephiroth. (Tom gasps!) A puny human!? Is he talking about Sephiroth here? I thought that Sephiroth saw the Iron Man as a puny human. CROW:Listen, fanboy, it's obviously a point of view shift which is a big NO NO in short stories. Now we are confused about who is what and who is seeing who. The story is about Sephiroth, NOT the Iron Man, so there's no reason to have the point of view shift. JOEL:But the author saw fit to do that because HE sees Sephiroth as a puny human. TOM:That can be destroyed quickly? JOEL:Yes. TOM:This may as well have been a self insertion fic. As the Iron Man's blade descended, however, Sephiroth brought up his blade with a vicious parry. JOEL:Well, if it were a self insertion fic, the author would no doubt have been mince meat. He certainly wouldn't want that. That would be too merciful on us! CROW:AIIIII! YAAAAA! A vicious parry! The armor clad giant had a second to be amazed at the man's strength before Sephiroth's next blow cut him in half. CROW:He slices, he dices and he also juiliennes Iron Men. Scornfully kicking the body away from him, JOEL:Into the goal post! Sephie scores!! Sephiroth was reminded of another time an overrated monster attacked him. TOM:Overrated in Sephie's point of view of course. The Midgar Zolem struck at him again. CROW:Bad Sephiroth! Bad Sephiroth! JOEL:hmm...well at least the flashback isn't that obvious. Unlike other fics we've read! TOM:Yea, like the fics that spell out FLASHBACK and have a bunch of snowflakes around it. The blow sent him sprawling in the mud. JOEL:Ruining his cool outfit! Rage flashed in his eyes, and Sephiroth tore a dead tree from the earth. TOM:(Sephiroth):Look what you've done! You ruined my 500 dollar suit! OHHHH you will pay! CROW:Well it's dead now, that's for sure. He stabbed it viciously into the beast's head, killing it instantly. JOEL:(Zolem):I have just been killed by a tree. Sephie didn't even bother to use his sword. Now I am literally a leaf in the wind. He picked up his sword and continued his journey. CROW:(Sephiroth):I do this everyday. I uproot dead trees and stab giant snakes with. All in a day's work. Sephiroth sighed. He had once been a hero, but no longer. TOM:(Sephiroth) oh sigh.Nobody likes me anymore. I'm just gonna go and eat some worms. JOEL:Would Sephiroth really care if he's not a hero anymore? CROW: mmmm....nope. Under the influence of Jenova and his own twisted insanity, TOM: under the influence, huh? Jenova and twisted insanity must be some unusual drugs. he had fallen from grace. CROW: Sephie's fallen and he can't get up He had killed so many, and it had all been for nothing. He did not regret the deaths, only the waste of his time. CROW:(Sephiroth):waaa!! I can kill people in 1 second, I have killed many people, thus wasting precious seconds of my life when I could have been doing important things. JOEL: Like taking over the universe. TOM: Like eating at Arby's. If he had become God, he would not have had to worry about that. TOM:Nope. Then he would have plenty of time to kill people. After all, a million years is a second to god. JOEL (sings):And the man said to God "what's a million years to you?" and God said, "A second". And the man said to God "What's a million dollars to you?" and God said, "A penny." and the man said to God "Can you give me a penny?" and God said, "Yes I will, in a second." (The bots look at Joel) Oh sorry. Just singing to distract myself from the fic that's all. All people would be reborn in him. TOM:Ahhhh Sephie reincarnation. CROW: I'd like to be reborn in Sephie. TOM: UGH! You would. But he was not God, nor would he ever be. He was a man. JOEL:What a startling revelation. TOM:All this time I thought that Sephiroth was a woman. CROW: I thought he was God. Joel/Tom:FANBOY! He had wasted those lives. TOM:AAAA! What a waste, just when he could have used them for his own ambition and well being, he kills them. JOEL: Um, Tom, if Sephiroth did that, then he would be like Delita Hyral. You wouldn't want THAT would you? (Tom shudders) I didn't think so. Tseng, a fine capable man in his own way. ALL:(Snickers) CROW: (shouts) I'M SURE SEPHIROTH KNEW THAT WHEN HE SLEPT WITH TSENG! JOEL: whoa Crow. Now how would you know that? Have you been reading those yaoi fics? CROW: Oh of course not. Joseph Lockheart, a fool who tried to stop him. TOM:hmmm I never saw him in the tarot deck. And Aeris Gainsborough. Aeris Gast. JOEL:A most ghastly name. If only he had known who it was at first. CROW:Too bad he was clouded with insanity. He had respected Professor Gast greatly, and would have never killed his only daughter. If only she hadn't tried to stop him. If only she hadn't meant so much to Cloud. TOM:If only he weren't insane. If only he weren't blinded by hatred and ambition. JOEL:If only he took a peacock feathered fan and waved it throughout the world. CROW:Um, Joel? What was that!? JOEL:O nothing just an inside thing to distract myself from this fic. CROW: Oh. He still remembered. CROW:As opposed to forgetting. Cloud breaking the mental commands to kill. TOM(Sephiroth):Kill, Cloud! Kill! CROW(Cloud): No way. I like care about Aeris or something. The Cetra completing her prayer for Holy, looking up with a smile. CROW(Aeris):O hi Cloud! I'm only pretending to smile so that I DON'T TEAR YOU APART FOR INTERRUPTING ME!!!!! The shouts of Cloud's two friends, warning him. TOM: Watch out! Aeris hates your guts and she's going to kill you! JOEL:Wishful thinking, fanboy! He remembered leaping from the ledge above her, falling toward her; and angel of death. TOM(gaping): What?AND Angel of Death. Okay, Will, come here and angel of death for me. When did that become a verb!? It was quick, the sword slid in cleanly, she felt no pain. CROW:yea okay. Aeris has a sword through her gut and she felt no pain. Okay whatever. But her pain was not his intention. Cloud's was. TOM/CROW (Beavis and Butthead): YES! The boy's scream of mental anguish was sweet music to Sephiroth. CROW(a DJ):Now for the most requested song on the Satellite of Love: CLOUD'S ANGUISH! JOEL/TOM(Cloud):AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! It was Cloud's fault the girl had to die. TOM:Yea it's all Cloud's fault! JOEL:It's not like Sephie to blame people for HIS actions. It was a fitting punishment for killing Sephiroth all those years ago. CROW(Chibi Daria): It's punishment time! It's punishment time! JOEL(Sephiroth):You killed me, thus interfering with my own killing spree. As a result, I have forgotten my own indiscretions and will MAKE YOU PAY! HAHAHAHAHHAHA!! A life for a life. TOM:Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth, a spy for a spy, a big sword for a big sword. CROW:hmmmm it seems that Sephiroth knew the laws of vengeance. TOM:He must have been reading the Old Testament of the Bible. "You are a puppet," Sephiroth taunted as he flew off. CROW: Cloud the frog. JOEL:Um, those were muppets, Crow. CROW: Oh. Well it's not like Cloud had any real personality anyway. So, Sephie's right. Cloud is a muppet, puppet. Whatever. TOM:Can it, Sephie fanboy! CROW:Look who's talking, FANBOY! Now, no such actions could be taken. CROW: O really? JOEL:That's what the author says. He no longer had the power. It had been taken from him, never to return. TOM:(Sephiroth) Waaaa!!! Someone stole my power. As he looked around the cavern, Sephiroth made his decision. JOEL(Sephiroth): I have chosen to become the minister of silly walks and shall make plans to take over Shinra! He had no power. TOM(chortle): Um, didn't this author just say the Sephiroth was still strong and skilled with the blade? JOEL:Don't worry about it! It's almost over. CROW: YAY! Jenova was gone. JOEL:Vanished without a trace. His materia had been discarded long ago. CROW:He threw them in the garbage. He could not administer his revenge. JOEL: Dr. Sephie ran out of that drug treatment long ago. TOM:Oh okay, I'll just take your word for it. This author must not know much about the true nature of vengeance. JOEL:The author doesn't want Sephiroth to have revenge. CROW: The why did he write it???!!! JOEL: So Dr. F can get his hands on it and send it to us. And the voices of the past would not let him be. TOM:Bad Sephiroth! BAD! CROW:Hey Sephie, remember when you ate all my honey and replaced it with gasoline? It gave having GAS a whole new meaning! He would not wait to be humiliated again, CROW:As opposed to "Oh I just can't wait to be humiliated again!" to be humbled by those who had once been beneath him. JOEL: Help! I am being humbled by insects! Grasping the Masamune with both hands, he set the point against his chest. (The robots gasp) TOM:Now how did he do that? Isn't Masamune like 6 feet long? CROW:Maybe Sephiroth had really long arms. Without a moment's hesitation, he plunged the blade through his heart. CROW: WAIT! Sephie! There's other ways to get revenge! WAIT!! Hesitate please!!!! JOEL:Now, Crow, you know the author is not going to let Sephiroth do that. The green glow in his eyes dimmed, and a slow smile spread over his features as his life faded. THE BOTS:NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! JOEL:But the fanfic is over. BOTS: YES!!! (The trio gets up and leaves.) (In the Satellite of Love, Tom and Crow are wearing black capes and holding plastic flowers. Joel is watching while feigning tears. Gypsy enters) GYPSY:Hi guys! um, what's wrong!? CROW(wailing):Sephie's dead! That mean fanfic author killed him! TOM:We are paying are respects to Sephiroth, who was brutally murdered by that terrible anti-Seph author. GYPSY:Guys, it's only a fanfic, besides, I'm sure there's plenty of pro-Sephiroth fanfics out there. You wouldn't want Dr. F to see you like this would you? TOM, CROW, JOEL: Um, no. (They hastily take off the mourning garb and hide the flowers the same time a yellow light flashes. Joel pushes the button. Dr. F and Frank appears. Frank is cleaned up. But, black streaks can still be seen in his hair and on his face.) DR. F.: So, did you guys enjoy that little Sephie fic? CROW: No! DR. F: Good! TOM:But you haven't broken our spirits just yet! DR. F: Well perhaps I'll send Aeris Says Good-bye! ALL:NO!!!!!!!! DR. F.: Okay then. So, I have broken your spirits? ALL:Yes! (although it's pretty obvious that they are lying). TOM: I mean, don't get me wrong, the fic was well written at all, but it barely had a plot. DR. F:That's because it was a short short, you idiot! TOM:Who cares? Look at it. Sephiroth is defeated by the party, he's in the Lifestream, he bursts out only to fight an Iron Man, reminisce, make excuses (Which is not like Sephiroth at all, by the way.), thinks of events that never happened in the game, rejects revenge without using his brilliant mind, then KILLS himself!! I mean, this fic would have been much better if it were at least a redemption story. DR F: AH, but if this fic were any better, I wouldn't have sent it to you, now wouldn't I? CROW: hmmm.....true, but you can rest assured that Sephiroth, had he been properly characterized in this fic, would have found a way to seek revenge. For example, Sephiroth could have killed Tifa and framed Yuffie. Something like that. DR. F: Well, tough tit mice! The author didn't think of that! But, I do have a URL that would make you feel better. Not that I care but....... it has a comic of Sephiroth killing Cloud. FRANK: Wow! I want to see that. DR. F: How are we going to do that without a computer?! FRANK: Oh yea. DR. F: Just send the URL, Frank. FRANK: Okay. (He sends the URL). TOM and CROW:YAY! JOEL:Um, does it work? DR F: There's only one way to find out. JOEL:Okay. (Joel types in the URL on the SOL comp. The bots jump in excitement. The screen says: This URL no longer exists on the server. The Trio and Gypsy gape at Dr F.) DR F: HAHAHAAHAHHAHAA!! Did you idiots think that I would do anything to make you FEEL better!? FRANK(laughs): Oh it was a trick! Oh yea, I knew that! DR. F: Yea right, Frank! JOEL:Oh, we should have known. BUT, I still have URLS to Sephiroth no Okauku and Minako's Fanart. Minako has a lovely pic of Sephiroth standing on Cloud! BOTS:YES! DR F: DAMMIT! I should have sent that virus. GYPSY: Tough tit mice, Dr F! The comp is immune to viruses! I made sure of that! DR F:DAMN! That's impossible. NO! (DR F. and Frank disappear from the moniter as the crew of SOL enjoy Shrines to Sephiroth on the comp.) (End theme)