On the Jazz #22: Firing Trek’s Fuckwads

If Trump can do it, so can you, Les.

By Matt Springer
February 04, 2005

Enterprise is dead. Long live…well, not really.

This week’s news that the current “flagship” Star Trek series would be making its final weekly voyage in May registered as barely a blip on my mental radar. It was like hearing that the Pope died; haven’t we all seen this coming? For, like, ever?

And yet, there will still be an avalanche of words tumbling down from high on Nerd Pundit Mountain, with every second-rate hack on the interweb tossing their two cents into the pile of opinions about the present and future of Star Trek. For a non-event, it’s got surprising meat on its bones.

Is the clamor justified? Yes and no. It’s arguably a pivotal moment in the history of the franchise, and yet Trek has had more of those than we can count. To my way of thinking, it’s been trapped in a Mutara Nebula of uncertainty practically since the premiere of Enterprise, if not before. After all, Voyager‘s later seasons certainly weren’t critically smashing. I’d even go so far as to say that Trek has been knockin’ on heaven’s door for nigh on a decade. Kinda like the Pope.

And now Enterprise slouches into the sunset, and geeks who still give a shit hold their breath, wondering what will happen next. Sure beats that shit-ass Nazi America cliffhanger, don’t it?

You will read a lot about the end of Enterprise, and you will hear a chorus of “good riddance” alongside a slightly softer moan of “save our show” and also probably the deafening buzz of the great uninterested masses. Let me only mark this moment with a simple plea to Paramount, one I’ve made before but which now must be made again, for the sake of this thing called Trek that I somehow still love, in spite of the crap it’s been vomiting onto the airwaves for so very long:


My memory sucks, but here’s a small recounting of what I personally hold Berman & Braga responsible for:

The shitty later seasons of Star Trek: The Next Generation.

The many shitty seasons of Star Trek: Voyager.

Three (count ’em, THREE) absolutely abysmal Trek movies, and one pretty good Trek movie.

A limp, uninspired series named Enterprise with the suckiest theme song in TV history and four lackluster seasons of not-really-boldly going no place interesting.

Damaging, and in some cases destroying, characters beloved by millions, including but not limited to Worf, Data, Troi, and Captain James Tiberius Kirk.

These are true crimes against geekdom. They have shat and shat and shat some more all over Star Trek. They seem to have no concept of what makes good Trek or even good sci-fi, and if they did ever have such a concept, they pissed it away long ago in a sea of cocaine and whores. (Full disclosure: I have no evidence to suggest that they indulge in either coke or whores. But c’mon, they must. Have you ever SEEN Insurrection?)

It’s a turning point, people. A break in the action. The perfect time for Les “I bang the host of Big Brother” Moonves to do a little house cleaning over at the Trek offices. Transition time, we’re ready to move on, thanks to Rick and Brannon for their years of hard work and dedication, here’s a cushy development deal. Yadda yadda yadda and so forth.

Firing these two idiotic, talentless sons of bitches wouldn’t just be a smart move; it might even be damaging NOT to fire them. The entire town of Tinsel is looking over in Paramount’s direction and seeing a once-mighty film and television franchise down to its last couple million viewers on a third-rate network in a horseshit time slot. Is Moonves really gonna let the Trek franchise slowly spin into the toilet, or will he have the guts to reach into the bowl and save this cash cow? Given the performance of Enterprise and the last few Trek films, Berman and Braga have had a few second chances too many, and they should pay for that. Otherwise, Moonves is a spineless leader who can’t make the necessary changes to protect the intellectual property of his studio.

Les, my main man, I am seriously begging you. The goddamn show is off the air. There’s no movies in the pipeline. The great unwashed nerd masses are hanging on your next move. FIRE RICK BERMAN AND BRANNON BRAGA. It’s the smart, responsible, RIGHT thing to do.

Hell, Kirk would do it. You wanna be like Kirk, right, Les? Who doesn’t? Axe those fuckers, name a new steward of the franchise, and let’s kick off the next era of Trek in style, instead of letting those two fuckwads do any more serious damage.

Please, Les. Please. Please.