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A Rough Timeline of a Cornell Student’s St. Patrick’s Day

Although you have three prelims next week, you have to go out for St. Patrick’s Day! Not all Cornell St. Patrick’s Day experiences are the same but here’s a rough timeline of how your holiday will most likely go down. 

11:00 a.m.
Wake up mildly hungover from Friday night, remember that it’s Saturday, and snooze for another hour.

12:00 p.m.
Roll out of bed and make coffee from an illegal Keurig hidden in your dorm before donning your “Kiss me, I’m Irish” shirt. Finally, you can pretend you’re Irish, and the massive amount of potatoes in your diet are excusable.

12:30 p.m.
Munch on some brunch.

1 p.m. – 2:30 p.m.
Head to the library and study hard for those upcoming prelims. Time to use the luck of the Irish to actually understand the lecture notes!

2:30 p.m.
Pretend to continue studying in the library, but just slide in some headphones and open Netflix. After all, no one studies for long in the library anyway. Libraries are just where you go to feel productive.

4:00 p.m.
Pregame for the night by having a darty, which ends with everyone spotting a rainbow–or a rare patch of Ithacan sunlight–in the distance and sprinting off to find the pot of gold, or maybe just some pot.

7:00 p.m.
After sprinting drunkenly through a dense forest, you realize that the rainbow is nowhere to be seen and you’re lost in the trees. You can’t see the towering Bingalee Dingalee anywhere, there’s only plants.

7:15 p.m.
You realize you’re not actually lost, you’ve just been screaming and running around in one of the greenhouses on the Ag Quad for a bit.

8:00 p.m.
You’ve made it safely back to your room, somehow. Time to eat a huge, carby meal and don green body glitter in preparation for the actual party.

11:00 p.m.
Roll into the frat party of your choosing and immediately start downing green tequila shots. Reach into your pockets and shower the crowd with gold-wrapped chocolate coins as you dance to autotuned bagpipe music.

12:30 a.m.
You spot your short buddy Seamus in the crowd and demand he hand over his gold. You and poor, poor Seamus proceed to get into a fist fight which only ends when some frat guys pull you apart. One hands you a chocolate coin, which you tearfully accept and consume, wrapper and all.

1:45 a.m.
You realize that the slope is basically the same shape as half a rainbow. Naturally, this means it will produce only the luckiest four-leaf clovers.

Somewhere between 2 a.m. and 3 a.m.
Confidently and drunkenly stumble into 7-Eleven and attempt to trade the four leaf clover you found for a box of Lucky Charms. The clerk attempts to explain that a small plant is not currency, and you have many things to say. You receive a life-long ban.

??:?? a.m.
We don’t know, at some time you make it back to your room and fall into bed instantly. Your wild St. Patty’s Day is over, you don’t remember a lot of it, but it sure was a hell of a ride.

Wednesday, March 21st
You receive a package in the mail. Apparently, you ordered a 10 lb bag of Lucky Charms marshmallows off of Amazon after 7-Eleven turned you down.

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