Sunday, January 28, 2018

Perpetual Winter Coat.

Living with animals, the mammalian variety, for me is one of the greatest honors I have as a human.
The fact that they haven't killed me at some point during the day is testament to their intelligence, restraint and understanding of doorknobs.
So....if they have the a b i l i t y to destroy me but choose not to, they are shrewdly teaching me that I should appreciate and honor them all the more.
They do have many ways of subtle domination but the one I will focus on today is their fur, hair or whatever you want to call the stuff that covers EVERYTHING IN MY HOME!!!
It is the animal worlds way of branding us humans so other animals know who we belong to.
Lint rollers need to come in wallpaper versions about 30 layers thick so as the family prepares for the day we just lean and roll our whole body against the wall and go out the door.
We then tear off a sheet of 'wallpaper' when it gets too furry and repeat as necessary.
This attachment of animal hair to humans is why I really don't need a winter coat.
Every day a fresh jacket becomes magnetized to me as I move about the house.
Some days I worry that a PETA supporter will throw red paint on me in protest as I walk down the street.
It is that bad.
Is it that good?
Q. What is a little lot of hair on your clothes every day when you compare it to adoring dog kisses, snuggles and excitement when you return home or purring, petting and cleaning up hairballs?
A. Often it is a hassle when scheduling concerns are now delayed by the process of hair removal or being broke because of all the money was spent on lint rollers and never looking like you did laundry even though you do a load every single day and could weave blankets out of the 'lint' that comes out of the dryer. I mentioned earlier, animals honor us with their presence and love us no matter what kind of jerk we are on any given day.
It is worth every single minute and every single discarded hair.
It is also being able to stay warm in the winter without even trying as your 'pets' share some of their warmth like a reverent gift as you leave the house.

One of these things is not like the other.
But they all share their coats.

Thank you for being here.

Tuesday, January 23, 2018

Dinner Bell.

When I was younger my sister and I would, more often than not, play outside after school with neighborhood kids until it was dinner time.
We knew it was dinner time when our mother would stand out on the front porch and ring a bell.
It wasn't a loud bell but it had high timber and we knew we had to come home within the next five minutes after hearing it.
No actually it was 5 minutes after she began ringing it, but when we were zooming around hiding in the bushes or riding our bikes all willy nilly we didn't always hear it because dadgummit we were in the middle of something!
But ring it she did and under the threat of some random extra chore for tardiness we usually bolted home.

The family dinner bell.

This ritual occured until we got old enough to cook for ourselves and decided to not carry the burden of sitting at the table for 3 hours after dinner was over because we refused to consume some horrible concoction our mother thought we needed in our diet.
Although to be fair we were pretty healthy and did not take vitamins back then or have bouts of sickness that required hospital stays so maybe........
M a y b e...
Meals though were pretty routine and pale because the only spices we had in the house to make meals interesting were:
Salt...for everything.
Pepper...for company--to show how fancy we were.
Cinnamon... for bread and toast.
Nutmeg...for custard pie.
That is it!
Even regular mustard was for people living in the fast lane.
I bring this up because I'm thinking of starting a new blog where people who are nervous about the aging process can ask me all types of questions then receive semi-researched but mostly cockamamy speculative answers and take some stress off of their worried old shoulders.
Such as:
Q: Why do old people eat dinner so early?
A: Well, gentle reader it is because they could die at any minute and they feel the need to get one final meal in their bodies before the sun goes down or people* will sneak their food away under the cover of darkness!
And driving after dark to get food or anything is practically a suicide mission.
I find that as I get older that this early meal regimen is adhered to with every meal.
Why take the chance?
Food is the highlight of the day.
Heck, food is the highlight of life!!
Dead people don't get excited if someone mentions mashed potatoes!
So hearing the dinner bell or watching the clock in anticipation of the next meal means that life is good!!!
Yes, yes it is.
Where is that cake from yesterday?

Thanks for being here.

*people? People, being no one really, because who does that? Dogs m a y b e, but even they aren't that crazy about applesauce. But have you ever tried to argue with an 85 year old who is hungry?

Monday, January 1, 2018

And then....

And then......

It was/is 2018.

I actually stayed awake until after midnight without having to tape my eyelids open and wished every one at my party a "Happy New Year!"
And by 'at my party' I mean I didn't really have a party and I don't have friends who could stay awake that long if I did.
So, I kissed my husband sitting in the chair next to me, texted 'Happy New Year' to the rest of my loving family, comforted my shaking dog who is terrified of fire works and finished a 'Call the Midwife' Christmas Special on Netflix and considered all this celebration as my way of welcoming in a brand new year!

It was fabulous.

I'll probably do it again in 2019.

That's the kind of party animal I am.

Thanks for being here and may 2018 be everything you need it to be!

My Boxer. A real party animal!!
And yes, he got that box on his head all by himself.