© Rex/Shutterstock

Sex & Relationships

Why is it that men can't shop for women?

This week GQ Contributing Editor Lou Stoppard ponders the age old of question of why men seem incapable of buying for their better halves

I’m always sad when the festive period winds down. Not because I particularly like a conventional celebration, but because it marks the end of that amusing few weeks where men have to try and engage with women’s ‘stuff’. I love watching them lapping Selfridges, two weeks before Christmas, mumbling to themselves and manically picking things up and putting them back down without looking at them. A notable mention goes to the man I saw walking round and round the Anthropologie store on Oxford Street, shaking his head – eyes wild, mouth slightly open in a pained grimace. I hope he found something, anything. A Boulangerie Candle Jar, scent: Oatmeal Cookie, perhaps. I can just imagine him picking it up carefully off the shelf, holding it as if it were a live grenade, and whispering furiously to himself – ‘Boulangerie…Cookie…What??’

Really, there’s nothing more unattractive than men who are scared of women’s things. Because it basically means that they are scared of women.

Observing men interacting with women’s things (now now) is one of my greatest pleasures. Sometimes, if I’m bored on a first date – which is often – I like to play a game where I lazily hand my companion my handbag and ask him to hold it for a minute while I pretend to busy myself with something else. Most cradle it like some precious baby, careful to keep all the various straps or jangling bits of hardware enclosed within their grasp. They stare at it with trepidation while I resist shouting, ‘Support the head!’ Some hold it as far away as possible – as if I’d just handed them a rag with some foul stench. They are ashamed to be seen with the bag, lest someone might think it’s theirs. By holding it as far away from themselves as possible they thereby preserve their masculinity. Sure.

Over time I have learnt that the only men worthy of a second date are the ones who assume the handbag as their own with a natural pose, elegance and a flourish. They bounce it into the crook of their elbow and leave it swinging there happily, or toss it over their shoulder and continue on with their pint.

Really, there’s nothing more unattractive than men who are scared of women’s things. Because it basically means that they are scared of women. They think our leather goods hold all the goulish secrets of womanhood. Our make-up bags are full of unimaginable horrors. Our wardrobes a labyrinth of shock and despair. Our minds a riddle of confusion and hysteria. These are the men who ask loudly ‘but what do women want? – it’s a mystery’ and then talk over us when we try and answer. These are the men who panic at Christmas and end up settling for a Pandora charm-bracelet.

© Rex/Shutterstock

I suppose it’s sadly still relatively normal for men to be scared of things like Tampons – after all, buying them requires intimate knowledge about categories and applicator preferences. If you’ve been with someone for longer than six months you should probably at least make a stab, but before that a certain fearfulness is acceptable, after all I have no interest in buying your Athlete’s Foot Cream or Lynx Africa or whatever it is modern men are buying in Boots these days. But in today’s enlightened times I think all men should have a firm grip on skincare, underwear, wardrobe stapes and jewellery. After all, the big buzz last year was about gender neutral dressing, so the thought of picking out a vaguely non-disgusting jumper or pair of shoes for your female lover, friend or relative shouldn’t be that hard.

I have had some horror stories in the past. There was that boyfriend I had been dating for a fair few months who asked what my bra size was. I had him guess. 20D, he offered. Like I was the lovechild of Slender Man and Barbie. I also had a male friend who referred to women’s underwear as ‘panties’, which, in short, makes him sound like a perv. Other things to avoid include anything that looks like it could have been found in the props department of 50 Shades of Grey. Sure, sure, the sales assistant will make you feel like you’re some hip liberated guy living some exciting, sensual life, but the recipient will hate it. She may pretend to like it. But she will hate it. She wants something nice and discreet from Celine. Or literally anything that shows that you think of her as a functioning human rather than the department store ‘generic women’ target group who wants nothing more than overpriced bath oil, a Diptyque candle and crotchless pants. A book perhaps. Or her favourite perfume. Or a nice print.

So you have nearly a full year to educate yourself. Over the coming months, stride with confidence through the womenswear floor of department stores. Look with bold, inquisitive eyes at what the women before you are buying and browsing. Smell the new fragrances at Duty Free. Take note of what the women in your life are wearing – the books they are reading, the lipsticks they are reapplying, the style of diary they are filling in, the movies they are watching. Hold their handbags with pride, and make next Christmas a triumph. The countdown begins.

Like this? Now read:

Why are men spending more time shopping than they are in the pub?

Jeremy Corbyn dresses better than most footballers

What has 'Cat Person' taught us about men's style?