Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Murderers in the Backyard

Ring ring.

Wade: Hello.


Wade: Huh?


Wade: Care to elaborate?

Rebecca: I heard large crashing sounds in the backyard and now I know there are murderers back there trying to kill me and I don't know what to do!

Wade: How can I help you?

Rebecca: Can you please come to my house right now? But please don't tell Eli because of that whole boy who cried wolf thing that he's always complaining about.

Wade: Uh . . . you're on speaker phone.

Eli: Hi Becky.


Eli: Yes. I heard.

Rebecca: How did you hear? Who told you?

Eli: Do you not understand how speaker phone works?

Rebecca: Don't make fun of me right now. I'm in a very dangerous situation. I'm a vulnerable half-French single woman in an old house and THERE ARE MURDERERS IN MY BACKYARD.

Eli: Ok. Well we can't help you. There's a Harry Potter marathon on right now and there are two hours left of the last movie.

Wade: Don't listen to him Rebecca. We'll be right over.

Eli: This must be your first rodeo, Wade.

Rebecca: Don't listen to him, Wade! This is EXACTLY why I asked you not to tell him about this call, which you apparently did anyway!


[Three minutes later, Eli and Wade, both barefoot, arrive at Rebecca's house and walk right on in.]

Rebecca: I'm so relieved you guys are here! I am just beside myself! There are--

Wade and Eli: Murderers in your backyard. We know.

Rebecca: I've done everything I could to secure the home but I need someone to go outside and check on things.

Eli: Hardly! The front door was unlocked and slightly ajar!

Rebecca: Really? Oh, I must have left it open from when I got home several hours ago.


Rebecca: I was very distraught! I didn't have time to do everything!


Wade: Yeah. If you didn't lock the doors, what did you do?

Rebecca: I called you and then I turned the light on in the kitchen.

Eli: Ok. Where are the "murderers."

Rebecca: First of all, the finger quotes are unnecessary. Second, they are walking around the backyard.

Eli: Did you see them?

Rebecca: No.

Eli: So why do you think there are murderers back there?

Rebecca: Because I heard a loud crash.

Eli: And this led you to believe that people who kill other people are in your backyard.

Rebecca: Yes.

Eli: That's your logical conclusion.

Rebecca: Yes.

Eli: What kind of crashing sound did you hear?

Rebecca: Like, um . . . cymbals. Like in a drum set.

Wade: Maybe it's band practice?

Rebecca: No, because I didn't hear any other instrument sounds. So I think it's murderers.

Eli: I am very interested in this logic tree you've built.

[Rebecca, Eli, and Wade then walk into the backyard together with flashlights.]

Eli: Becky, remember when you moved into this house and I talked to you about taking care of your yard?

Rebecca: Yes. I still have some emotional scars from that.

Eli: Apparently not enough. Why is the grass back here at knee-length?

Rebecca: I don't know! I mowed it like a week ago!

Eli: Unless you have a nuclear power plant back here that recently melted down, there is no way in hell you mowed this a week ago.

Rebecca: I did! Wade can vouch for me! He came over right after I finished mowing!

Wade: Becky, that was in March.

Rebecca: Oh my. Time is getting away from me.

Eli: Ok. Are you sufficiently satisfied that there are no murderers back here.

Rebecca: Oh yeah. I think the sound came from next door. How silly of me to think it was murderers!

Eli: Wade, I want you to take note of this.

Rebecca: Thanks for coming by!

Eli: You are a complication in my life.

Rebecca: I know. But you guys are going to miss me when I leave on Friday.

Eli and Wade: Yes.

~It Just Gets Stranger


  1. I'm going to miss her too. The stories are gold.

  2. Is it sad that I got really excited when you mentioned the Harry Potter marathon BECAUSE I WAS WATCHING IT TOO!?!?? All of the sudden I felt a lot closer to Eli and Wade and Rebecca and Ollie and I geeked out for a second. Then I got really embarrassed and looked over my shoulder to make sure no one noticed even though I know I'm home alone.

  3. I have a hard time believing anyone is like this because EXAGGERATION! Plus she's half french so she's practically Canadian, and is therefore totally awesome. On the other hand, french women are actually crazy and overreact even though they are totally awesome, so...my theory might be blown.

    It sounds to me like someone needs to see her friends as much as possible before she leaves. Actually, going over this, it looks like she just wanted to see Wade and not Eli.


  4. Don't joke, this happened a few weeks ago to my brother in law and his wife. They heard a noise, dogs going crazy the whole bit in their backyard, brother-in-law goes out to investigate and finds creep hiding beside garage. Creep pushes brother-in-law into backyard punches him in the neck and runs away. Apparently said creep had just beaten the crap out of some guy a block away and dumped him at a motel near-by. Poor guy later died in hospital. Brother-in-law is thankfully ok...murderers in backyards is a thing...even here in Canada!!

    It was nice of you guys to go check on her...because you just never know!!

    1. Oh my gosh. I have never had so many Canadians in my life at the same time before. I don't know what to do with all of you. What do you even eat? HOW MANY OF YOUR CUSTOMS AM I OFFENSIVELY BREAKING?!?!

    2. Eli, on a daily basis or in total?

      ...and we love bacon, maple syrup and poutine. There are no other foods up here except those.

      Tenille, that's crazy. Glad he's ok.

    3. I thought Canadians were crazy about their doughnuts, too. "They're an all the time food" Say my Canadian couple friends.

    4. Lee is right...maple syrup, bacon and poutine...that's it for us...which explains why we're all so fat and happy. Except for murder guy, what's that guy's problem??

    5. I think his bacon:poutine:syrup ratio were probably off. Usually murder is due to too much poutine, not enough bacon. Or is that the other way around? I'm pretty sure I'm right because, I mean, who can ever have enough bacon? AMIRIGHT?

      What's a doughnut? Is that some new fangled European food? Our grocery stores here only sell bacon, poutine and syrup.

    6. There's this Canadian custom that you don't ever, ever, EVER make fun of people's washing and drying machines. Those are very personal objects, considered by many of us to be part of the family. So far you haven't touched on that subject (right?), thus you have a large Canadian following. We've been getting frustrated with the amount of heartless bloggers out there.

  5. Poor Rebecca, I'd be terrified, too. Old houses seriously give me the ba-jeebies. I'd think that the murderer was hiding in my walls, though, instead of outside...

  6. I can't help but laugh. Yesterday, I got home form the mall with the baby and put her in her crib to take a nap. While she was up there throwing a party (instead of napping,) I heard a door slam and voices coming from my basement. We live in a row home, so I knew in reality it was my neighbor, but it scared the daylights out of me. So, I grabbed the phone (I had to have it ready to call 911,) put my ear to the door to see if I could hear someone, then started stomping around in the living room & kitchen. I have no idea how that would scare away someone, but it made me feel better.

  7. Did you check the upper part of her shed because DEVIL WORSHIPPERS?