17 May, 2017

I'm Changed

I sat in therapy yesterday, feeling the wash of emotions as I once again was overwhelmed at the mountain of change that I still needed to make, almost forgetting the huge changes I've already made in my life to date. And this is why I go to therapy, so I have someone to remind me, of all the mountains I've already traversed, all the progress I've already made, and how far I've come. Because I am changed, I'm a completely different person, and who I am now, is the best version of myself, but she's also a work in progress.

Let's start with the picture above, that's me, Hi! The picture on the left is from December 2013, and the one on the right from my trip to London in April of this year. While I weigh basically the same in both pictures, the transformation on the inside is very much reflected on the outside. 

The girl on the left, can't leave the house without make-up, she can't let her roots show and is constantly dying her hair to "change it up". She angles every picture that is planned to make sure that the widest part of her is hidden, and LAYERS, or things to distract from her stomach. She's insecure in her skin, and she hasn't learned to love herself (yet). 

Fast forward about three years, a lot of therapy, and many, many mountains and the woman on the right doesn't really care about make-up and only wears the bare essentials. Her hair is the natural colour, growing out, she doesn't wear layers or try to hide her stomach anymore, because she embraces the body that allows her to walk 4 miles each day she's in London. She's learned to love who she is, and while she still has a lot of work to do, she's comfortable in the skin she's in. 

That woman is also dealing with much more than the girl ever did. She is open about her mental illness and goes to war with depression, anxiety and PTSD on a daily basis because they can not win. She is dealing with her demons, with her flaws, and setting the course for her own life. She has stopped being a chameleon in social situations, trying to fit the mold of what the people around her want her to be, instead she's standing tall and saying "this is who I am, I'm proud, beautiful, amazing and if you can't see that, if you can't respect that, then move along." 

Sometimes the mountains look so big, and they loom over us, casting the biggest shadow that discourages us from even trying to start the journey. But the start doesn't have to be great, but to make any progress you do have to start. It didn't happen overnight, I didn't wake up someday and suddenly love who I was, it took months of hard work. To appreciate who I am, and to see what everyone else sees in me. 

London helped spur a lot of the changes I had made over the last few years and put them into action. My trip helped shake off the dust that had accumulated and really focus my attention on the things I needed to care about. I still have mountains to climb, goals to achieve but at least now, I can look back and remember that girl. Who didn't really love herself, who wasn't happy in her own skin. 

Every day calls for the chance to change, but they don't have to be big changes, they can be as small as just finally allowing yourself to buy a pair of shorts, and being brave enough to wear them. That's a huge victory, and each victory gets you further up the mountain. When you talk down on yourself, find three things about yourself that you like, because you are a beautiful soul, and if you think the outside isn't, remember the outside is only a shell. If tomorrow you woke up in a different body, your inside, your spirit, your brain and your heart would all be the same, make sure that is beautiful. So fight for yourself, fight for your self-love.


  1. I love this! And I love you! ❤️❤️❤️

  2. This didn't make me cry at all. Nope.

    Lies, it totally did. It resonated really deeply with me.

    Xoxo, M

    1. Aww I'm so glad it reached you.
      Love you beautiful woman! ❤️❤️

  3. As your momma, I have ALWAYS seem your beauty, your light, your sense of adventure and your love. I have also seen you cry, loath yourself, and generally love life in fear of being pointed out. When your journey takes you where you want/need to be, you will again look back and see that all of those 'mountains' were just hills of knowledge. Love you and proud of you.


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