I wish..

I wish I had someone to talk to about some stuff, today was one of those days when that feeling was extra strong since I had a surgery and was going to get anesthetized for the first time ever which I thought was a little scary and I was there all alone.
My life is just falling apart and I get worse and worse and I don't have anyone to talk to about it, I tried to reach out and contacted one person but that went to shits.
I missed being able to talk to this person and I had no intentions. Men denna person trodde och sa att på något vis "kände av" att denna person mådde bra och livet gick bra och att jag medvetet försökte förstöra för denna person. Seriöst....
So can never try to reach out or contact to that person again since that person thinks that way about me.
I just need someone to talk to.. I needed a friend.
So there is no point, now I have given up completely..
Fin blandning av engelska och svenska det blev men vissa saker är lättare att beskriva på engelska, dessutom är det såhär det ser it i mitt huvud, tänker nästan alltid på engelska utom vissa fraser eller ord.

How I am.

Läste igenom mina vanliga bloggar som jag brukar och kom till underbra Angelicas blogg och hon hade skrivit en inlägg om hur hon var och tänkte, och det var som att hon tog orden ur munnen på mig, jag är exakt likadan, tänker precis lika. Försöker låtsas som jag tänker och ser positivt "utåt" men detta är vad jag egentligen tänker, vad som egentligen försigår i mitt huvud.
"I spoke to my mum yesterday (we talk almost everyday) but yesterday we talked about why I am the way I am and what I can do to change. Specially now with my hospital visit and everything! We did not really make any progress. Maybe a little.
I'll try to explain this short and simple. I've always had very, very, VERY high expectations of myself. In school, if I didn't get the highest scores or grades, I thought I sucked. When I painted I could get happy for a very short period about the result and then start thinking NO I SUCK. I just thought I sucked at everything unless it was TOP NOTCH, it never was.

This became a huge problem when Roberto and I started dating. We almost broke up ones (in the beginning) because of it. I actually think that might have been a big part why we had our break too. Because this makes me very needy sometimes. For his attention, not now anymore. That's actually some progress I've made. Hmm NEver thought of that. I NEVER see progress. I might see some when I compare one thing, let's say my face charts, from the first one until today. But I still think they're just as bad... yes that's another thing. I say they're just as bad. Instead of just as good. Because they are good. I think.

ANYWAYSSSS... My mum said yesterday, something like "I ask you some things to make you think about problems differently". Now I totally undestand and knew what she meant BUT the first thing that popped into my head was "But why, do I usually think in a bad way". It's always ALWAYS the negative. Not little negative things HUGE negative things.

The big question we came to after our long conversation was. How on EARTH am I so happy? How can I be happy when I think nothing I do is good enough, I don't think I fit in with many people because, why would they want to be my friend? It doesn't seem as people want to be my friend."

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