Saturday, May 09, 2009

suiciDAL thouGHT

I had many suicidal thoughts before, mostly when i was younger..i just hate life so much!! goddamn, why must life be so hard on me when i was young..sometimes when i recall back..i don't remember asking for any if this trouble, so why they keep coming to haunt me. I'm the type of guy that never asked for trouble but trouble always seem to find me. life was my worst enemy.

I had so many misfortune in life, when i was still a small child, probably only around 3 or 4 years old, i had kidney problem, spend a year of my freaking' life in a freaking hospital. this wouldn't have happened if my earlier doctor would have just check me properly, maybe then I'll let u run away with my dad's money and won't cursed that u should rot in hell instead..because of you bastard,my body only work around 80% not 100%..

When I'm in elementary school, year standard 2 in johor bahru, i got bullied in school bus..moved to a new school in Malacca, still got bullied like hell, ain't making any different where I'll be, bastards just always seems to want problem with me; same goes with secondary school. 1st week in school, i was just sitting and chilling at one place, some malay pig came up to me and hit me..i just walked away..of course i was pissed and wanted to fight him, that's what he probably wants, but i can't because i might get expelled and it's only first week of my secondary schooling life. After all these shit that i took, i ain't gonna hold back anymore, that's why I'm reckless now.

Properly the worst part of life is one very personal issue that i don't like to mention out loud, whatever you think it is, it has hurts me, ruined me, destroyed me, turn me into someone moody and emotionally unstable inside. it happen in front of my eyes, from that moment, it has yet to leave my memories. it's haunting and devastating, it leaves a wound in my heart and everytime i think about it, i feel like dying. i was only 9 years old when this shit happens, so imagine that amount of burden hanging on my shoulder; for a 9 years old kid, it's too much to handle. i wanted to kill myself because of it but a lot of things hold me back.

Sometime we just reached a breakdown point in life where we just want to give up..looking back now, i realized how silly it is to kill myself over stuff like these. it's just life, it's unfair. i have seen people who suffer worse than me and they still keep moving on with life..thankfully i didn't commit suicide because that's a stupid way to escape from reality..i'm much better and blessed with things i have in my life now.


  1. +why must life be so hard on me when i was young?
    +Susah dahulu, senang kemudian..haha...
    +Well, if life iz ez, wud we learn 2 appreciate life?
    +Hence, life has 2 be hard 1st, it's the same ol theory...
    +N yea, I used 2 be emo 2 d state that I keep writing about deaths, thinking of them, but nvr 2 the state of attempting, thank god 4 that...
    +Well, honestly, I guess that's juz a stage that all of us has 2 go thru, sum juz had it easier, others had it tougher, but all in all, it makes the person we are 2day...=)