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Healing by necessity and vulnerability

I am not one who can handle a lot of physical stimulation. I didn't want to be touched. Movement and sound scare me. However, in a vulnerable state I have had to allow things to happen even if I didn't think I could handle it.

Since being at the hospital I've allowed people who resemble my abusers to give intimate care. I've allowed African American men and women to remove the gown, adjust my legs as needed then wipe my intimate parts in front and back. I have had full bed baths and depends changed or had procedures that required mostly nudity. I had to allow it.

From where I'm laying, I generally can't see the entire person, and I can't get up. I am vulnerable and require their clean intentions. Not a single inappropriate comment has taken place. They have been respectful and put me at ease.

At one point a Doctor was asked to wait 2 min while the Techs finished my gown because credentials don't buy rights to my dignity either. I appreciated him waiting.

I was terrified at first. Someone had their hands between my legs, spread them, and I had to allow it. I was angry. I didn't sleep a lot. But as the positive, safe experiences continued, confidence grew, with unexpected healing as a result.


Published on Categories Abuse, Anxiety, Lupus, PTSD, The People Behind My Eyes

About Faith


4 thoughts on “Healing by necessity and vulnerability

    1. Faith

      I'm in a safe place to do it.
      I hear you thought, and thank you for the caring.
      It's not easy but it's an opportunity to heal that I'm going to accept.


      Today is more sobering than yesterday. As I get closer I want more comfort foods. I want the light on. It's harder to be alone. I've panicked, cried hard, slept and grieved hard. I hate that I will have an amputation. I'm afraid of not making this last surgery alive bc I know of the severe complications from surgery one that scare me to think about.

      I've looked at the foot and how black and dead it is. It can't be saved at all. It's gone, nothing to salvage. I've got gangrene. It has to be removed and I have to be ok with it.

      I've photo doc this hospital stay for myself so I can, at a later time, go over it and process what I want, toss what I can't handle.

      I need surgery 2 to be easier on this body of mine.

      After the amputation I'll be in the hospital maybe 2 weeks. I'll then do about 30 days in a long term rehab center.

      The doc and I talked today about not having feeling from the waste down. We hope it'll return.

      I have spastic blatter and will remain incontinent. I can use my hands and upper body which will allow me to dress myself and change depends w independence.

      Tuesday afternoon I'm throwing a post surgery situation here at the hospital. I'm having cheesecake brought in and staff and friends will eat cheesecake bites as a transition from one life page to another. From the dinner minu, I'm going to order hospital cheesecake tonight. But Tuesday I'll have my fill. One cup of Earl Gray is also on Tuesdays situation minu.

      This girl is scared but I've got this last thing to do then things get less scary.


      1. patchesmany

        We will be eating cheesecake with you in spirit on Tuesday. Lots of prayers for,you that this surgery is less difficult with less complications.


No need to feel nervous, comment if you'd like.

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