Thursday, August 12, 2010

What To Do in a Fancy Pants Grown Up Restaurant by Bob Rosenberg

1. You can tell a Fancy Pants Grown Up Restaurant (FPGUR) sometimes by the tablecloths because they have them and there are no trays that you put your own food on.

2. You can tell it's a FPGUR for sure if your mom keeps reminding you to use your "library voice" a whole lot.

3. At a FPGUR there is sometimes a snack before the food so that you don't want to eat your supper as much. Sometimes it's bread and butter and sometimes it's stuff you don't want sitting on some leaves.

4. You can get a burger sometimes or a grilled cheese at some places and those are good. Ask to get "fry-cans" with your burger. Your mom or dad will explain to the other grown ups that when you were the baby-of-you, you loved garbage cans so much and they were your favorite so the baby-of-you added the word "can" to everything and you still call fries, "fry-cans" and isn't that funny?

5. You already knew since you were a little kid, like last year or month, that french fries are called "french fries" made from potatoes but you should still call them "fry-cans" because you like to hear the story about the garbage cans and everything.

6. Slide under the table and look at feet and shoes.

7. After your dad makes you put your bottom back in the seat, drop some restaurant crayons or a Bakugan under the table and then they have to let you go back under the table and you can look at some more feet and shoes.

8. Get full with the bread snack and some butter chunks and then fall asleep with your head on your mom's lap. You will do dreaming and everything during all of the grown up talking and the really super long coffee part of dinner and that is really good.

9. When the FPGUR dinner is over you can get carried out by your dad and not even have to walk and then you can eat your burger at home on your Star Wars plate like normal.


  1. Dammit Bob, where were you last week when I was eating at a FPGUR and was bored out of my mind?

  2. Thanks for reminding me what eating at a FPGUR is like. I'd forgotten. It's been a while.

  3. This is great. Also, what's a tablecloth?

  4. Bob, thanks for the tip on dropping crayons. I am always trying to devise ways to slide down and look at shoes and stuff.

  5. I now require a Star Wars plate for my leftovers so I can be like normal. It's a stretch, but it might help.

  6. This made me get a huge smile-can on my face-can.

  7. Ah the old, toss the crayons under the table bit. Well done, Bob, well done.

  8. Bob, I'm right there with you. I just want to go home and put my burger on a Star Wars plate like normal....