2012 and the Future 'Lympics

After London blew its cultural load on the closing ceremonies in Beijing (complete with Double Decker bus, umbrellas, David Beckham, The Spice Girls, White Wig'd Barristers, and Gwyneth Paltrow) there really isn't much to look forward to for the next opening ceremony. The clever British know this as well, so they've been pouring all their innovation into fresh new sporting events: The 100 Metre Debate, Synchronized Driving on the Wrong Side of the Road, The Men's Freestyle Literature Medley, etc. 

And Quidditch.


And Colonialism. 

Moving on. I recognize that Olympic sports are human feats boiled down to an extreme minimalist form. It's not running from wolves with firewood in your arms; it's just running. It's not archery to kill the invading Persians; it's just archery. It's not doing the pommel horse with a baby strapped to your back surrounded by lava; it's just looking silly. The Olympics - minus the ceremonies, medals, and backstories - are about being simple and executive. And I love that! So why not push that one-dimensional envelope even further and create the best event ever: Decision-Making.

Yes. Making a hard ass call in front of the world. Not only would Decision-Making be the most fun event to watch, it would inspire debate for years afterwards because it's a judged event. 

  • The Cutest Baby Puffin. Olympian has to choose the most adorable out of 3. 
  • The Freestyle Would-You-Rather. Question is up to an audience member chosen at random.
  • The Your Future Child's Name Choosing Relay. Middle names too, doy. 
  • The What Is It? Long Distance Object Identification. 
  • The Hypothetical T-Rex vs. Flying Shark Fight. 
  • The Sea Foam or Ocean Mist Challenge.  It's only one color. 
  • The Best Weapon in a Hardware Store. 
There's too many Decision-Making events to list, but I'm certain if any of them aired, it would be a ratings bonanza and people of all ages would be screaming about it the next day at the lunch table/water cooler/sewing circle. 

Oh, and there won't be medals for this. This is a win or lose kind of thing so losers get nothing and winners get a cotton jersey with the word "NICE." embroidered on the back in big gold letters. You wear that jersey, and the whole world knows you made a good fucking call. 

After a few cycles of Decision-Making at the Olympics, we can ditch the Young Couple's Tandem BMX Wheelies event for the next natural human feat: Bullshitting.