Saturday, October 31, 2009

It looks like a jack-o-lantern but tastes like a pizza!

I don't know how this flew under my radar, but for the past week, Papa Murphy's has been offering a take-and-bake pizza specially decorated to look just like a jack-o-lantern! Imagine the deliciousness. This is no ordinary pie. With a unique combination of artfully placed pepperonis and black olives, the pizza's mouth-watering face is the spitting image of a carved pumpkin. The resemblance is so remarkable, if I plopped one of these pies on my doorstep I can guarantee the teenage hooligans who live down the street would smash it to pieces. But we don't want that. We want to eat this thing!

Now you better act fast because Papa Murphy's Jack-O-Lantern Pizza Special ends tonight! I'm sorry for the late notice. Hopefully you read this blog in time, because if you miss this opportunity it will be another year before you're able to eat a pizza where the pepperonis are positioned in this exact shape. And believe me, you can taste the difference. Happy Halloween!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

The not-so-mysterious demise of Hydrox sandwich cookies

Editor's note: This is the first installment in a 12-part series on sandwich cookies and other assorted sandwich-like snack items.

I often think about what I would do if I owned a functioning time machine. And I'm pretty sure my very first mission would involve traveling back to 1908 to convince the geniuses at Sunshine Biscuits that "HYDROX" is an awful name for a sandwich cookie. Surely you remember Hydrox. They're like Oreos, only better. But sadly, thanks to a name that conjures up images of laundry rooms and Mr. Yuck stickers, Hydrox never stood a chance against it's hotshot rival.

How easy was it for Oreo to waltz in and steal the sandwich cookie crown? Think about it. It's the early 1900s. You're stuffing your face with Hydrox cookies, each bite more delicious than the last, when you realize, "wait a minute, if I could create a sandwich cookie half as tasty as this, but with a catchy name that doesn't sound like something that will burn my skin upon contact, I'd be rich!"

And that's exactly what happened in 1912, when Nabisco introduced the Oreo, a vastly inferior product that remains incredibly popular to this day, almost a full century later. Where's Hydrox? The cookie no longer exists, but if you're ever in the Home & Garden section of Sears, ask for it by name and they'll supply you with a bottle of something sure to keep the slugs off your heirloom tomatoes.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

What ever happened to moats?

Remember back in the day when all it took to protect your property was a nice deep moat? Why don’t we use those things anymore? Forget alarms and security cameras. If you really want to safeguard your home, nothing’s more effective than a moat. Trust me, I actually work in the security industry. I know what I’m talking about.

Why, just the other day I was thumbing through the online news when I stumbled upon this remarkable story out of Beijing: “Scrap collector drowns in moat after being chased by community wardens.” Believe it. Moats work. And it seems the folks over in China are already one step ahead of me in bringing them back into vogue.

The thing about moats is, anybody can have one. You just have to be able to dig a ditch. That’s a skill we’re all born with. And if you’re too lazy to dig one yourself, you can always find someone on Craigslist to do it for you.

There’s really no excuse for not having a moat. Think about your home, your family, your candle sticks. Do you want to give intruders free access to walk right in as if they own the place? Nobody’s gonna want to rob you if they know their clothes’ll get wet in the process. These guys may be crooks but they’re not stupid. One look at that moat and they’ll move on down the cul-de-sac to your neighbor’s house, the one that’s not surrounded by a ditch filled with murky water.