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Do you still check on a friend when they push you away?

Discussion in 'Helping an Addicted Friend' started by Zyni, Mar 1, 2015.

  1. Zyni

    Zyni Community Champion

    It can be really difficult to try to "be there" for someone who keeps telling you to get lost. Sometimes, the frustration can make you want to just give in. Sometimes, I also think they are just testing us to see if we will really be there for them. So, how do you keep going in such a situation?
  2. MrsJones

    MrsJones Community Listener Community Listener

    Hi Zyni, I think losing sight of what is trying to be accomplished as a friend trying to help another friend can become frustrating. It is good to keep personal feelings in check because instances like you mentioned should at least be expected. Sometimes being constantly reminded of a fault or in this case an addiction can become an annoyance. I would say give some slack and then approach without being so adamant about the problem.
    Zyni likes this.
  3. Kee

    Kee Member

    I think some people want to get off drugs but need encouragement. It is frustrating when one is not able to get off drugs as fast as one would like to or when one keeps falling back. A non-judgmental friend, who is always present, ready to listen, and encourage, is one person someone needs at any time. One might not disclose it, but I think a good friend's presence is beneficial.
    Zyni likes this.
  4. Rainman

    Rainman Community Champion

    I think the best thing to do at times is to step back and give that friend the space they need. There's a limit to everything and when someone doesn't appreciate what you are doing for them, you let them be. But that doesn't mean you cut them out of your life. Just let them know you are around the corner. Should they ever need your support, advice, etc they'll find you.
    Zyni likes this.
  5. Charli

    Charli Community Champion

    I think if your concern is genuine then the friend will have a hard time stopping you from checking because you will do a lot to stay updated. However, if it truly is the friend's wish to be left alone then I will respect their decision and just stay out as long as I know the friend will still be safe and will still have people who care for them.
  6. sazzydan

    sazzydan Active Contributor

    Persistence is the best way in my opinion. Someone going through recovery is going to have mood swings and at times even think that you are not trying to help them, which you probably only have their best interests at heart.

    Trying to be there for someone is hard and it can sometimes feel like you are not helping, but the majority of the time your helping more than you know. The best thing to do in my opinion would be to make them aware that your there if they need your help and support and check on them daily whether that be a text message, phone call or a visit in person. A strong support network is crucial to ensure success!

    Keep at it!
    Zyni likes this.
  7. rainbowguard

    rainbowguard Senior Contributor

    I would give the person some room. I know the more they are struggling, the more they try to reject everyone around them, especially people that actually care for them. I know that it is very hard to balance between giving the person enough room so that he doesn't feel that you are invading his privacy and keeping him under watch so that he doesn't do anything that might cause him to be trapped deeper into the hole he is in. That's why, I think gradually reducing your frequency of visit might be a good thing. I also believe that your good intention will be read by him and you just need to be patient.
    Zyni likes this.
  8. Zyni

    Zyni Community Champion

    Lots of good advice in this thread. I'll keep these things in mind. Thanks all.

    I agree, MrsJones, that being constantly reminded, feeling judged, etc. can really be annoying, but I'm not talking about constantly pointing out their problem. I'm talking about just checking in, letting them know I'm here, stuff like that. Sometimes, they just want to push everyone away so they can do their thing.
  9. MrsJones

    MrsJones Community Listener Community Listener

    I see where you are coming from now but I still think that the same approach would be appropriate. Sometimes distance can help a person think and maybe wonder what caused the change in actions especially if 'just checking in' is the case. Think of it as reverse psychology. I myself have use this with my husband though some may think of it as manipulating.

    I used any way I could to help my husband. The way I see it, if I could get him to stop thinking about using for any period of time and it wasn't hurtful it was good.
    Zyni likes this.
  10. Friends

    Friends Member

    I think you just need to be there for them and be patient if you really want to help them. They might be testing you or the its just that they are having difficulty keeping people close to them or the scared of getting hurt, that might be the reason for their behavior but if we really wanna help , I guess we should be there for them. Of course when they break down they need people close to them to help them through there troubles and sorrows, loneliness etc, even if they act like they don't need anyone at that moment. Just seeing you close to them even after they push away, they might be able to trust you.
  11. goldenmaine

    goldenmaine Active Contributor

    Some push away friends because of their pride and they do not want to be seen as someone weak who needs help from other people. They do not want to be seen as needy and have a problem that is grave. I think they are no testing friends but it is just that they are ashamed and embarrassed of their state and condition which will make them seem pathetic. We should just understand them and continue to be there for them even though they try to push us away because they are the ones who need help so we should be the one who will adjust to their situation and condition.
  12. Zyni

    Zyni Community Champion

    That makes sense to me, because I wouldn't want anyone to see me at my worst either. That's one of the reasons I wondered if I should just back off... that and getting discouraged by it all. I guess I just need to buck up, because like you said, he is the one that needs help. It's not about me, so I shouldn't let it hurt my feelings. I'll just continue to check in, so he knows someone is there for him.
  13. hellonamesdana

    hellonamesdana Senior Contributor

    Yeah, I really just can't help it most of the time. I never push my friends away or the people who I care about, but it happens all of the time to me; that other people push me away for one reason or another, and I'm absolutely torn up about it, and I can't stand it. It's happening right now with a guy I was really interested in, that he refuses to talk to me now because of something I didn't even do. But I continue to keep checking up on him, or trying to at least, because I still care about him.
  14. DancingLady

    DancingLady Community Champion

    That is difficult, but I would not give up on someone just because they are going through a hard time and think they don't want to talk to or see their friends. Sometimes the best way to communicate when someone is pushing you away is something less threatening like text messaging or email. I would definitely a friend who was pushing me away short messages letting them know I am still here for them, ask how they are doing, or maybe just let them know you miss talking to them. Whatever you choose to say, make sure it does not sound like it requires a response if they don't want to, but it lets them know they are not abandoned, even if they think they deserve to be.
  15. E.Mil

    E.Mil Community Champion

    I would still check on a friend because for me its hard for me to stop caring. I do know that I can't worry myself about that person. If I did everything I knew to to help the person and they constantly refuse, at least I know I tried. I would always be there for them but wouldn't let them pull me down.
  16. In my opinion it is better to continue to check on a friend who is having problems. I understand that people say that they want space and need time to figure things out for themselves, but the problem is that they are not figuring anything out. If a friend is going to figure something out on their own right now, then you have to wonder if it is just an excuse to go on with their addiction. They have not figured it out to this point. So why now? I feel that the " I need space" excuse is simply another way avoid dealing with the problem. If a friend cannot justify what they are doing, then they probably should not be doing it at all.
  17. allswl

    allswl Member

    I think what will keep me going is to keep reminding myself that this is my friend and I care about what happens to them. Something is not right with them and whenever they feel the urge they will communicate with me and when they do I will be there. So in short, constantly remind yourself of why you are wanting to "be there" for them.
  18. zaerine

    zaerine Community Champion

    Checking out a dear friend even just once in a while can still be helpful to him/her. Making the person know or aware that there is still someone who cares and might make him realize to change for the better. Although it could be a difficult thing to do for someone who seemed to have close mind and not listening at all.
  19. FuZyOn

    FuZyOn Community Champion

    Depends on the problem. really. If they push me away I'll try to give them more space since being alone is also good for someone who's having issues.
    I'll still check on him/her from time to time though.
  20. 6up

    6up Community Champion

    Yes you can. Friends need the reason why we suggesting for a difference in their life styles. Do not push for your ideas to be heard and sometimes avoid the topic. Give examples and give them time to think over. Tell them that it is not a must for them to change but why it is advisable. Use phone messaging and social media to reach them and tell them how you always pray for them.