Monday, May 24, 2010

Don't Even Need To See It Vol. 3: Karate Kid

Once again, here I am critiquing a movie I've only seen the trailer for, and once again everything you're about to read will be accurate until you can prove me wrong.

This one is a little different, however. I've seen The Karate Kid. You know, in the '80s.

So I really don't need to see Black Karate Kid, because keep it real that's what this nonsense is.

Let me get this straight. A skinny little black kid who happens to look like Riley from the Boondocks, played by Will Smith's son Jaden, tries to walk around his hood but always get beat the fuck up by gangs of middle school aged Asians, until Jackie Chan happens to be coming out of AA with his 60-day sobriety coin and teaches him the art of ka-ra-te (that's just what it looks like, of course I haven't seen it). Meanwhile cool fight scenes ensue along with culture-related hilarity like pretending to attempt to catch a fly with chopsticks then killing it with the swatter.

"Yes, Hollywood Restaurant, how may I help you?"

"Yeah, hi, this is C4. I'd like to order some General Tso Chicken with a side of NIGGA PLEASE!"

Get the fuck outta here. Where is this movie geographically set, where black kids walk around living in fear of Asians?! Is this San Francisco? Cuz it damn sure ain't Oakland. If there is only one black kid in the neighborhood and there's actually a group of tough ass Asians you know what they'd really do? They would all meat hop and try to be his friend because everybody knows there's nothing cooler than being the kids on the block with a black friend, ESPECIALLY if you're Asian. They are the number one jackers of all things black. Oh yes. The 2010 census confirms that in the past decade Asians have surpassed white people in this category. Blacks were too busy dressing like punk rockers to notice. But I digress.

Why give the kid shit? On top of being black, he has cornrows!!! What's more hood than cornrows? Only guns and underachievement. Other than that? Nothing! Were this a movie of another name, say something gay like Hong Kong Hip Hop, he would teach them the art of swagger and they would teach him his times tables. But I digress again.

I'm sorry man. I know a lot of you out there agree with me. You simply can't remake Karate Kid. You can't. It's too classic, point blank. The original should be required viewing in schools, like "The Miracle of Life" in sex ed. It wreaks of the '80s, the decade seeping from its pores like alcohol at the gym, and it brings back soooo many memories.

You know they're already setting up for sequels too, right? Look how young Jaden Smith is. He won't hit puberty for another couple of years, and when he does? BAHNG! Black Karate Kid 2. When he's of driving age? BAHNG! Black Karate Kid 3. You know Hollywood is shameful enough to do this. Ruthless bastards.

The movie is too iconic, and probably more relevant at the core of it all is that the characters are too iconic. Mr. Miyagi = Pat Morita like F = ma (remember physics?). Wax on, wax off. Say that and only one visual comes to mind. And now he's dead so it's even wronger to remake it today. The man is rolling over in his grave! No disrespect to Jackie Chan because I actually think it's quite a shrewd casting decision to have him play the trainer. It looks like he plays the part honestly, and I have faith in that because he has the perfect blend of comic timing, martial arts ability and respect for the role to pull it off.

But let Pat Morita rest in peace.

And what about Ralph Macchio?

What else does Ralph Macchio have to live for?!?!?! His entire career began and ended with this movie. He. Is. The. Karate. Kid. It's all he has. If this thing gets huge we might find him hanging in a closet wearing women's lingerie like David Carradine. Do we really want to live through that news story? Is little Jaden Smith emotionally able to handle the burden of taking a man's life on his hands? I don't think so. Please, don't see this movie. For Ralph Macchio.

Verdict: On Ralph Macchio's life and Pat Morita's soul, Black Karate Kid is a NappyHeaded NO!

Once More 2 Ya Door,

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