Lesson '97: Juan and Juanita went to Taco Bell and died

Jason Ginsburg

Once again, here are the things I learned this semester :

First of all, I learned that life is cruel and terribly unfair. Oh wait, I learned that my freshman year ... of high school.

Speaking of cruelty, I spent another semester in Spanish without even approaching fluency. These required language classes are especially painful for a person like me, who prides himself on an ability to write well. For example, I usually whip these columns out in five minutes, but it takes me half an hour to write "Juan and Juanita went up the hill to fetch a pail of water" in español.

In my physical education classes, I learned that someone in my physical condition is going to die of a massive heart attack when he turns 50. But if I were to only deny myself and pound myself with exercise on a daily basis, I could live forever! I could exist far, far into the future, where cars will fly, people will live on the moon and robots will be our masters. Damn you, Taco Bell! Damn you for denying me immortality!

In my music appreciation course, I was taught that even the most beautiful works of sonic art can be deconstructed and quantified into bland terminology for the purpose of testing. Also, according to my textbook, The Enjoyment of Music, the only music worth enjoying was created by dead, white Europeans before I was born.

I've learned to stop complaining about Aramark's high food prices. Instead, I let nature provide for me by hunting the campus squirrels for lunch.

I was introduced to something called a "record player" in my audio production class. To this day, I do not know what a "record" is or why anyone would want to play with one.

I also took a RTV programming and distribution course, which helped me to understand that all the media in this nation are controlled by a handful of major companies, which in turn are controlled by the military-industrial complex, which answers to the United Nations and the New World Order. And all of this is run by the Jews, of course. That's the reason Seinfeld is so popular.

Finally, just a few weeks ago, I learned that one of our esteemed alumni, Hakeem Olajuwon, is going to be out of the NBA until the end of January because of an injury. This will be the first time ever that I will pray for a quick end to winter break.

Ginsburg is a senior

RTV major.

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