Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Why yes, I am that shit mother!

I’m in the midst of a black hole of crap parenting.  Here’s hoping I find my way out soon.  At least before The Feral Threesome are old enough to emancipate themselves.

Ways in which I have failed my offspring of late:

Commenced Year 1, commenced homework.  I sporadically remember to ensure she does her reading.  I did not read any of the homework instructions, and 4 weeks in to the school year and my child is now 4 weeks behind in her WRITTEN homework, but doing super great at reading.  My bad.

Rather than exposing my shit parenting, I lied to her teacher.  I lied and said I’d simply forgotten to bring the homework book in.  To which she replied with “you mean both books?”.

Erm.  Yes.  Yes I do.

And so I high-tailed it out of class before I could be further interrogated by a school teacher and exposed for the motherly fraud that I am.

I’ve just spent the entire weekend trying to catch up (her and me).  I’ve begged, bribed, threatened, pleaded.  All because I was the crap parent who didn’t read the enormous volume of school notes properly.  Or, you know, at all.

Why yes, I am that shit mother who doesn’t appear to take an interest in her child’s education – which is in fact totally false, because I am totally committed to her education, I just forgot to read anything that came home from school over the past 4 weeks.

He’s unco-ordinated by design.  It’s in his genes.  When he runs, his feet flick out at the sides.  It is hilarious, and only topped on the visual comedy scale when he inevitably face-plants the ground and launches into an outraged ranty tanty rave at the ground, for daring to summons his face towards it.  There is nothing funnier than a toddler screaming at the ground in total and utter contempt, before feeling around for his newly discovered boy bits (just to make sure they weren’t harmed), and stalking off in disgust.

Why yes, I am that shit mother who takes great joy out of the mishaps of her children, almost as much as their successes.  Almost.  It's a very close second.

She’s already superior to me in every conceivable way, so I feel that there’s not really anything I can do to help her personal growth and development.  In fact, I should probably just start sending the other two to her when they need assistance, advice, parenting.

I put this to the test yesterday by leaving her in charge.  I sat back and watched her bark at them if they dared go near the toy room, AKA her own personal toy monopoly.  I was highly entertained as she body slammed her siblings into submission if they refused to eat sand after she demonstrated how it should be done.  I took note as she berated them with a menacing “BULLSHITTTTT!” because she knows it’s a “shed word” and she’s not meant to say it, and therefore without knowing the correct context in which it is to be used, she simply lets rip with it whenever she feels the need for attention.  So, frequently.

Why yes, I am that shit mother who laughs at her swearing 3 year old, thinking “thank the vodka gods she is cute and can get away with it”, rather than reprimanding her and teaching her better language.  In my defence, I do tell her she’s only to use “shed words” around me and #1Pop, because he finds it equally as hilarious and endearing as I do.

If anyone out there wants to create a parenting manual or instructional video, I am available to be the "this is what you don't do" example of utterly shit parenting.  For a small fee.



  1. I find it hilarious when my 2 yo face plants..just like he finds it hilarious when anyone else does.  I'm one of those crap parents who grabs the camera when their 2 yo gets a coat hanger stuck on their head and takes a picture before actually removing the coat hanger.

  2. So is there a shit mother club that we can all be a part of? Cause I never ever believed in Homework when our boys used to go to school, and when they fall over and hurt themself I laugh before asking if they are ok :)

  3. Fussy Eater's MumMarch 15, 2012 at 8:44 PM

    You really are a shit mother. But you certainly are not alone. Let me pour another G&T and tell you all about it....

  4.  There should be. It would involve far too much wine and vodka and macaroon's ,while relying on anyone else to monitor our children.  It only seems fitting.

  5.  I will save you a seat at the bar in Melbourne and we can compare crap parenting tales. I will regale you with mine, and you will reel in horror and make some of your own up just so I don't feel bad, yes?

  6. Laughing too much to think of a decent comment to make! 

  7. Same. I am so shit it hurts. But at least it is comforting to know I can find my people by googling 'I am a shit parent'. Some say our mere admission of shitness is what actually makes us not shit. Unlike the wild Bogans who don't recognize what they do is shit.

    1. I hae to admit, when I got the email to say that "Anonymous" had commented on an old post of mine entitled "Why yes, I am that shit mother.." - I was expecting some seriously negative feedback. So thrilled to see your comment instead! I like to think that, what distinguishes me from the bogans, is the fact that I know certain stuff is not cool in public. Like slippers, faded, torn, baggy tracksuit pants, supersize UDL premix spirits in a can. Ahem.

    2. HAVE to admit. Not hae. Only a bogan would say hae. Heh.

  8. Thanks goodness I just found your site. You saved me from parent shitness isolation and gave me an awesome laugh in the process. I salute you and thank you from the bottom of my totally shit (how the hell do I deal with this one??) parent heart for being honest and hilarious. xox


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