Friday, March 11, 2011

Duh, Winning ~ A Mommy Is Made Part Deux

Back in August I wrote this post detailing the various ways in which a woman will know that she's made it through new mommy hazing. 
Well, that was seven months ago... what on Earth did I know seven months ago!?!?!
Here is a more -- ahem -- mature look at what it takes to become a "made" mommy... 

* At nine months postpartum you're now wise enough to know NOT to buy baby food in bulk until your child has tried and approved each individual flavor.  I (sadly) have a six pack of prunes sitting in my garage that I'm seriously considering donating to a nursing home. 
ET "Foam" Home
* You've smarted up and now know that you don't have to buy EVERY single baby product that was ever manufactured.  Since beginning the "baby proofing" process I've decided that I do NOT want to live in a foam house, although the sales clerk at Buy Buy Baby thought it was funny to suggest we try one out. She grew up in Wisconsin where Xanadu houses were popular during the early '80s.  I'd never heard of this phenomenon before... go figure.   
* You now know better than to expect anyone to hold a door open for you, your stroller, and your baby.  Know what's funny? Deliberately closing the door on those people!
* Nap time = Shower time. Hold the phones, this woman is on a mission. 
* Poo no longer scares the poo out of you.  Clearly it was a mother who coined the phrase "Shit Happens."
* You've fit into your regular clothes for awhile but still wear your "long & lean" maternity tank tops because - let's face it - they're super flattering and really comfy. 
* You know how many calories are in a single serving of Gerber Arrowroot Cookies.
* Seven months ago you bought antibacterial wipes and hand sanitizer in bulk... these days it's kosher as long as it didn't hit the restroom floor at Fuddruckers. 
* You no longer bother to clean the house in between the sporadic visits from your cleaning lady.  Embrace the dust bunnies... embrace them! 
* If your child would rather eat her socks than wear them, so be it. 
* The laundry will pile up exponentially whether you keep up with it or not... So you've learned to buy a few extra pairs of sweats and save yourself the agony of washing clothes every day. 
* You can buy every toy under the Sun and at the end of the day all you really need is some furniture that can be climbed on, an empty box, and a wooden spoon.  Voila - you just bought yourself an extra 20 minutes of "mommy time". 
* You now know that teething is a phase that lasts for years.  Growth spurts are sporadic.  And sleeping through the night is never a done deal.  
* "No" means "no" except when you're nine months old. 
* Spit up may be a thing of the past, but drool is a whole new ballgame... especially pureed pea drool.  "Wash and Wear" remains your motto. 
* The stroller no longer intimidates you.  By now you can pop that thing out of the trunk with one hand, get your gear hooked on, and get going in under 30 seconds... Just don't forget the baby (you know you've done it before). 
* These days you long for the simpler times when your baby was a little mushy ball that did nothing more than sleep, poop, and eat all day. 
* Lately your cardio consists of chasing a mobile munchkin around the house, keeping him away from stairs, and preventing him from eating the rocks in your fireplace. 
* You no longer feel the need to haul a 50-lb. diaper bag wherever you go.  Lighten the load and you'll be a happier mama. 
* You know - or at least remind yourself daily - that nothing is set in stone, that tomorrow is a new day, that your child's laugh erases all the anguish, and that motherhood is the hardest but most rewarding job in the world. 


  1. I concur with EVERYTHING here. I was just thinking minutes ago as Dylan just wants to stand at the ottoman and suck on the remote control with all these amazing toys behind him that he could give a rats ass about....

    :) Glad all is well. Love reading your blog

  2. yep! and you can try to tell it to a new mama but we all have to figure it out on our own!
    And and I can't believe YOU have dust bunnies - I don't believe it!!