July 5th, 2010



trouble settling down
agitated as hell
starting Wednesday with waking at 6
(hot, but disruptive)
my sleep has been totally fucked
after watching The Sound Of Music Friday night I got home at 5am
6 before I could sleep
when I woke today I was a wreck
jittery and displaced
the sink was filled with dishes
I couldn't bring myself to clean
or the laundry
or the bedroom
or anything anything
no focus for more than a moment
just backgammon and silverdaddies and detritus
no thought came to completion

days like this




this day started the same
ending last night at today's Dawn
watching horrible videos about the gulf oil spill
the history of the real Von Trapp family
and herbal ideas on how to euthanize my best friend who just got diagnosed with cancer...
when I woke this morning I continued in the same vein with some animal cruelty video


but today was different
I did mudra meditation in bed
which led to pushups and pull ups
making myself Indian leftovers
watching episode 4 of Heroes
which Felt inspiring
I went out to the beach again
but the sun was the star today
the sun and mulberries

I came home
and began directly with the dishes
the laundry
and cleaning the bedroom

Daniel got here around 9:30
we didn't see any of the fireworks
though we tried
he and his friend Dan came back to my place for some sustenance
then we headed to the cave

five minutes from my door

apparently Indians used to live there
we spent a good while cleaning it
lots of broken glass
crack pipes
drug bags

we smudged it with mugwort from the riverside
filled it with smoke!
lay down a red sheet
three singing bowls

the three of us
and salvia divinorum

it was the perfect ending to my birthday counting
and crystalized an idea I have to get out of myself with my postings, we'll see

( if you're interested, we recorded most of it. it's three and a half hours and is filled with some great conversations, music and screaming. mostly absurd. fill your space with the cave and spend the night with us... )

we got back to my place after 4
then set out to data transfer, studying (Daniel has a quiz) and tea
it's seven now
and I kinda have a full day ahead...
so I'll head to dreams for a while
maybe exhaustion will put me to sleep on time tonight

mars was so beautiful...
the moon conjunct Jupiter
so beautiful

thank you for all in existence
I'm grateful to be one of the caretakers
(even as an agent of entropy)





this time of meditation on myself
my actions
my thoughts and feelings

oh, have I?
I haven't even paid attention
I should look at it all now

before that
I feel sick of myself
like my ego is useless

of course it's not
it is
in fact
less sick
in a wave
of entropy
more sick leading to death

just life

not depression
I want to not write about I
but don't discount yourself
keep up the love

what does it feel like?

it feels good to feel
there is some pain and awkwardness
but mostly power and beauty
that's what it feels like

not bad
I was going to say
I don't like the choices I make
thus I gate myself
thus desire to negate myself
annihilate myself

but it's not the choices I make
it's my actions
it's the choices I make
out of control
where is this?

if I
could choose to come to center
with every breath
could I be at all?

my heart hurts here