March 10th, 2010


violent daddy dreams

just woke from a dream where I was swimming with a hot daddy bear in a pool
with a gigantic crinder In it
he'd be nice then try and shove me into the grinder
the second time I turned on him and used some Tae Kwon Doe
and shoved him in

he survived
but it ripped his scalp off
which made him then look like the Predator alien thing with dreads around the pate of his bare skull

I had to defend my actions in front of our friends, his sons, and my mother
I was generally understood
as he recently ground up some frat boy type

I wasn't going down like that



in my late teenage years
I was in a love triangle
two boys and a girl
and there were secondary and further auxiliary loves related to us
but we were the core
my parental model of failed love scared me away from the ideal of satisfaction in a couple
and lead me to desperately trying to understand Love and how it could possibly be nourishing and sustainable
(that and a heavy dose of breakup pop songs)
after a significant acid trip in my 18th summer
the idea gestated and took root of three specific nutrients of love

for many years I was always testing my relationships against these ideals
and then let that all go

just a few weeks ago I remembered them
and had forgot what they were...

after working on a client for three hours
they all came back to me
making perfect sense again
as if there were no wonder in them (maybe that was why I abandoned them?)

the three aspects are simple:

of course you can love someone primarily through sex
the perfect fit
firing high on passion
bodies dissolving into each other
remaking, renewing, discovering aspects of yourself previously hidden
happily exhausting the heart
as in a cardiovascular workout
but infusing every cell with joy...

perhaps each aspect could be described the same?

the person who understands everything you say
can follow every thought
complete them where you're stumped
inspire you to new directions in your idea's pathways
play the perfect devil's advocate with out being annoying
or be the ideal audiance to work out your own mind with
being equally entertaining as an orator...

that was always more difficult to articulate, such is life
but it's the person you talk with on the phone
tell your daily travails and adventures to
the person you eat with
the person you walk in a park with
or disengage with
just watch tv and feel entirely comfortable

of course
I often found the relationship imbalanced:
a person I loved talking with
but they always wanted to fuck
and I didn't want to go there

a person to just hang out with
and then I'd get aggrivated he was so intellectually dull

or, likewise
awesome sexual partners who weren't good cuddlers or present at all to my mind

of course I imagined a gigantic family of lovers as my ideal model
a great sex mate, who spent more time cooking and knitting with another lover
and then the ideal conversationalist and artistic partner who had two twinks he was always having three ways with
then that big soft dopey mother who I could lay on like a couch and play with his beard, walk through the park with...
they would have their ideal counterparts in the same house
and we'd all live happily ever after

I came to a point of seeing relationships as too difficult entirely
because I wanted to figure out all my kinks
all my self deception, dysfunctional truths, all my wounds
I wanted to live perfect, happy, productive and free
but was overwhelmed and terrified, of course
being drawn to men who would try and comfort me into forgetting
which was only a temporary fix
because my brain would kick back in and I'd start checking to see if they'd honestly solved my problems, which they hadn't, nor even intended to
and more so
came with a whole slew of they're own which they had in turn shelved or expected me to take on

despite our best intentions
that codependent model has never really flown


but how impossibly difficult with one other person! not to mention the mess I took myself to be

no, no hope for my family ideal, no
so I threw out the tertiary construct
and figured I'd have better luck shoe-horning second-bests into one candidate

that didn't work either
and, tiring of seeing people I loved terrorized by my monster of a heart
I gave up entirely (again) on the idea of coupling
and now aim to just work on myself crumb by crumb
and enjoy the live I can share
when and with who
is in the right spot at the right time

of course
there is a gnawing dissatisfaction with this as well
knowing partners are possible
but possible as I can idealize them?
or "can I settle for love?"


you're so intense!

you're so intense!

I have a regular client right now
it's been rare for me
because I was always traveling or too expensive
but right now I have a guy who comes every week and pays for an hour
but we're usually together nearer three
we hang out and talk and I massage him and teach a bit of my style and he massages me
so I've got pretty comfortable with him and today we had a conversation that surprised me
not in the subject
but in the style

I noticed it had been a Long time since I'd had a conversation like this
but yet it was how I used to be all the time
when people would often describe me as being intense
or... too intense.

now a days
I usually just back down
drop it
let it go
still, I know I have a tendency to say harsh and direct things
as well as entirely inapropriate comments or subjects
my filters are arranged arbitrarily
so it's easy for me to ignore them

as I said today
I'm not a person who believes in right and wrong... or Truth
I understand their functions and the like
but I see them all as optional
of course
to belong to a society one has to adhere to its laws
but seeing that I've always felt outside of every society
the best I've come to is understanding and following the rules to stay in the flow
though they are not in my nature nor in my heart to do so
it is a great effort sometimes
to remember all the things people are supposed to know innately
and to Live them!
because I lack these basic understandings and often find them to be against my own inner guidance
I have always had to know Why responses and ideas are required in cetain situations
the Why is important to pull them off correctly
lacking that
it's just exhaustive bad fakery

I remember now, speaking in yoga terms, I've always kept my root chakra pretty toghly closed
being open there let's all these innate understandings just flow in
but I lack trust of the greater society
being abused by it as I was in my youth
I still see mostly the way we humans abuse and exploit eachother
the loving I often forget
out of sight out of mind
so I fear opening into the common root for fear of being a pawn in the bigger picture

my, how I digress
but today's conversation included such gems as
"remove the stigma of going to prison
it's just an institution like school you have to earn your way into and prepares you, directly or not, for your character in life"

he said he couldn't follow me there
though I was presenting it as an idea to entertain, not a truth
some people just can't lift out their truths... which is standard and healthy
I learned how through practicing schizophenia via Gilles Deluze...

in talking about ending my own identity as a victim at the age of puberty and saying any set of victims could also choose to do that
he also couldn't follow

society has always been comprised of a small sect of powermongers who direct order and drive the greater body of slaves
when the slaves realize that each of their individual selves is more powerful than those who rule them
and they are certainly greater in number
then choose to act on it
tgat is called "revolution"

perhaps we are two different types of people
as I look at history and have no faith in our rulers
he still thinks it's worth it to follow their laws and if we could all follow their laws then everything would work properly and we'd all be happy

but we are not made, I believe
to follow the laws of another man
but to follow our own

perfection is never to be reached
yet the flow is directed by our consensus