Nov. 23, 2003: Conversations With Sheila About Shirley

Shirley MacLaine, the actress whose elevator doesn’t quite reach the top floor, has written a book in which she claims she talks to her dog, a rat terrier named Terry. According to MacLaine, she and Terry communicate in “Humanimal,” which she says is a “purer, more direct form of language” than English. Hopefully, she makes more sense to Terry than she does to the rest of us.

MacLaine says she and Terry have shared at least one past life together in ancient Egypt and possibly more. Terry says it wasn’t Egypt; it was Ozark, Alabama, which he thinks looks a lot like Egypt.



SFWD: It’s my schedule. I sleep 20 hours a day and eat the other four. Who has time to talk?



DY: Why have you agreed to be interviewed now?

SFWD: I am concerned about the impression your readers may have that rat terriers speak for all dogs. They do not. Frankly, most rat terriers are nitwits. Otherwise, they wouldn’t associate with dingbats like Shirley MacLaine.

DY: Are there any dogs who you particularly admire?


DY: With all due respect, wouldn’t you agree that people are a lot smarter than animals?


DY: Anything else bothering you?

SFWD: Now that you mention it, I don’t like having my dog friends dragged into your petty squabbles with flaggers. I know you like to pick on them because they don’t have a sense of humor, but when a flagger recently referred to you as a “mangy cur,” that was a bit much. Those kind of comments reinforce a negative stereotype of dogs that isn’t helpful. Things are bad enough right now with people thinking that some rat terrier has the hots for Shirley MacLaine. Please suggest to the flaggers that in the future they use less pejorative terms, like “armadillo head” or “possum breath,” when expressing their displeasure with you. This will allow them to make their point adequately and not slander the entire canine genus.


SFWD: Yes, they do. John Kerry looks like a basset hound, except that his legs are too long. Vice President Dick Cheney reminds me of a rottweiler. I suspect that’s why the president keeps him on a leash. Chihuahua owners aren’t going to like this, but guess who I think of when I see Howard Dean?

DY: This has been a most enlightening conversation.
