Sunday, May 26, 2013

Book responses (part 6)

From a reader:

I read your book (blew through it really) and it was interesting to say the least. Specifically when I find something written down by someone else that I had always felt. For example, you said "I feel I have no particular sexual identity. Even the term bisexual is misleading as it implies some sort of preference. I think equal opportunity is a more apt label in that I see no reason to discriminate."

I have said this to a friend of mine (almost verbatim) when trying to explain why I dislike sexual labels.

Sometimes, it becomes utterly exhausting to keep us this image of someone who gives a damn. Let it slip just a little and I have to deal with "What's wrong with you?" from all sides. It's comforting to realize that there are other people that think the way I do, though they may also have to keep everything under a tight guard. 

I would love to be able to explain why I liked the book so much, but I haven't figured out a way to do that and not out myself (without flat out lying about why I read it). So my goodreads review is kind of empty, but I wanted to offer at least this much feedback.


  1. you you wrote a book and everyone likes it
    we get it ME

    1. A narcissistic supply blog for the narcissist with objects of supply posting.

    2. ok, well i read a piece about this in the local press in australia.

      hooray, i'm a sociopath. no really. and i really enjoy it i have to say. although the extracts published describe, in my opinion, low levels of social antipathy, the general portrait of a sociopath as having ambivalent feelings about the effects of situations that surrounds them is quite true for me.

      interestingly, i am actually the most stable and focussed member of my family unit. i keep the whole construction going, but without remorse or the sack-cloth and ashes of self-pity.

      instead i craft another life that addresses my needs. one that interests me and which i can, dangerously, run in parallel to my official life.

      its easy to be reliable, but not really any more honest than keeping back the intrinsic feeling that its not worth describing the complex needs i have.

      a good sociopath, imho, is a great organiser, reader of people, facilitator of outcomes, and master of 'i don't give a fuck' when it comes to the lives of others.

      yay for us.


  2. I really like these letters. Keep them coming, ME. I am reading the book and finding my home, even though I am not a sociopath. Anyone who had to deal with a PD parent has consequences to their own personality and the book helps them find themselves which is everyone's quest, when you get right down to it.

    Don't listen to these naysayers. People like to put down success when they are losers.

    1. Well said. I relate a lot to the book and so ME has a right to show off.

    2. Thank you SP
      I call them as I see them!

  3. If you sleep with both genders, you are bi. Tough shit if you don't like labels. You are bi. You don't call it that, because you don't actually CARE about the people you sleep with.

    1. I haven't yet read the book, having only just discovered this blog, but I agree that labelling one's sexuality is irrelevant.

      In my teens, I fantasised about men on occasions, and started to enjoy sexual experiences with them in my early 20s. Thirty years later, I find please in sex with women, men and occasionally, both. If you want to label me, call me simply "sexual"

  4. Up From the SofaMay 26, 2013 at 4:34 PM

    I carry the fog on my back:the prison. I try to break out by doing stunts and other glaring maneuvers but I can't shake it. I can get enough adrenaline going that I don't notice it but it comes back when the dust settles and it always does.

    I want to break the membrane but it is non porous. It is like the elastic of Gumby. It bends and molds like an acrobat but won't the fuck let me break it. I should give up, already but I never seem too, entirely.

  5. Jeb's heart raced with excitement, pumping its foul ichor throughout his corpulent corpus. The blue veins stood out against his pale flesh, pulsing in rhythm to his steps as he made his way towards the barn. He found this group of fellow Christian sociopath hunters online. The leader of the message board, an enigmatic woman that went by the name Mary Eastes caught Jeb's attention. After weeks of posting, he'd finally been invited to his first hunter's meeting.

    The hay under his feet cracked noisily, announcing his presence as he stepped towards the door. Jeb opened it to find darkness, except for a dim light illuminating a circle of seated figures at the back of the barn.

    He shouted, "Guys, it's me Jeb from the...!"

    A moment of faint surprise was all he was afforded as the needle entered his neck. The paralytic worked quickly, and as he fell limp to the floor, he saw a woman smiling down at him, but there was no mirth behind the cold eyes that held his gaze.

    From the corner of his eye, Jeb saw the other members rise from their chairs and walk towards him. As they circled him, the dim light revealed smiles and dead eyes all around, and his mind screamed in terror as they dragged him deeper into the barn.

    1. The sort of hunting i think many of us (socios) dream about but wouldnt indulge in for fear of discovery and consequence. very good andy

  6. Now this is funny. But also a bit scary if you have been to off the grid churches in the deep south. It's all about finding the appropriate scapegoat. Sociopaths are a calm kind of crazy compared to rattlesnake handling baptists and pentecostals who cast demons out of little kids.
    While I think that christening sociopaths the next minority to be protected might be a bit of overkill (hah!), there is a grain of truth to avoid being caught in the crosshairs of ignorant cult of personality groups who are looking for a concrete evil to be exterminated.

    Most of you (best I can tell) are not serial killers. Most of you seem to be highly analytical individuals who are unmoved by sentiment but have your own versions of a moral code that I suspect means alot to you. While it's funny to get labeled "evil" most of the time, it's no fun to play Simon in Lord of the Flies...

    1. only slightly relevent. most serial killers are more closely related to schizophrenics and/or OCD then sociopathy. they operate under a delusion, there are exceptions to this and spree killers and mass murderers are often confused for serial killers and typically are socios

    2. I said that tounge in cheek, sevack ;).

  7. I write here when I have horrible depression. I think it is in seeing all these patterns in which I am stuck like something going round and round and round. I try so hard to get out of them, but every movement takes so much effort like an ant carrying a brick and when I look around, I am still basically the same.

    I am reading ME's Book and I was crying at the description of the appendicitis. I cry as I write this. I could feel how alone she was and how abandoned.

    Her brother, Jim, really, really touched me and I could relate to his weakness and his giving up and wanting someone to take the reins of his life. His incident when he lost it really touched me. I know what it feels like when everything gets too much and you flip.

    1. I must get around to reading M.E's book. I also have an appendicitis horror story from when I was ten.

  8. I'm sorry Monica. That really sucks. Just try to remember that you have survived before. Ride it like a wave.

    1. ride it like a wave.. i like that.

      or let it wash over you. just don't breathe it in, don't become it.

      the only emotion i really worry about is anger. it could ruin things.

    2. Thanks Zoe, Mac and Ell
      Hearing your kind comments helps and I feel better today and learned some things from riding it through. Love you guys!

      ME's Book is really life changing. She is so real, no holds barred. It took a lot of courage to expose herself like that and it makes you really see yourself.

    3. i'm still wrapping my mind around the reality that ME is a "she".

    4. I was thinking of you LOL
      Me, too.

  9. hi y'all. :)

    i'm looking forward to reading ME's book.

    1. as am i, though im getting a little tired of hearing about it

  10. Some regular who won't say whoMay 27, 2013 at 9:15 AM

    Monica, my heart goes out to you today. Instead of getting angry that you cannot break away from the bitch I feel sad for you. Watch this guy's story,, in Into the WIld, He destroyed himself in trying to connect with nature while keeping away from his toxic parents. Maybe the movie will further depress you but it can also push you over to the other side where in the name of self-defense you learn to let all the sadness and anger go and come out realizing these parents are just simple human beings who are trying to play a hand they were dealt with just like you are. Take their 'parent' title away and make them human beings, just like ME. Imagine your mom putting together a blog with some candidness, accepting her weaknesses and bragging about her strengths and some regular reader of hers appreciating what she's writing about.

  11. @ Some Regular

    With all due respect to your post( and I appreciate it, as I think it was done with real caring and that always means a lot to me) there is no easy fix. Who would have a PD if there were?

    It shows your lack of understanding of human nature that you think the sadness and anger can go away so fast. I wonder if you use chemical means, which I don't.

    I am not dissing anyone who does, but it is easy to sit on high when you have a chemical to take away your pain.

    1. No, no chemical suggested. Just some self-hypnosis. A little zen. I did not say or think it'd be easy, but it's necessary.

      Imagine this.. You get the news that there was a car crash and both your mom and dad died. Then what? I mean, do you intend to suffer after that? Right now a part of your sufferig is because you feel guilty that you are keeping away from them, am I off on that one? I mean, these people are not that important, all I am saying is tell yourself that they are not that important. They were a sperm and an egg provider, assuming it was really his sperm and her egg.

  12. The problem is not them, for me, or ANY person with a background of abuse. The problem is all the cognitive structures you built to survive. These become a behemoth. These are the problem and these must be broken down.

    1. I've been thinking a lot about this lately and came across the following blog post - about how you can break up with your psychopathic partner but unless you heal the original trauma bond (with the parent who set you up for abuse) you will keep going around in circles.

      I have had a series of relationships with psychopaths and narcissists. My mother is undoubtedly somewhere on the narcissistic spectrum - but not to the same extent as she was when younger. The thing is the author says there can be no real healing unless you go 'no contact'.

      It just seems so extreme. My mother does her best. She had a mean psychopath (or narc) for a mother herself. While she can be demeaning and invalidating, she can also be helpful. She has with the help of her religion more or less succeeded in reining in her narc tendencies. So wouldn't it be cruel in this case to cease contact? I would love to sort myself out but surely I don't have to go to this extreme to do it. Opinions welcome.

    2. Hi. i have to come and go from contact with my narc mother for many years. She is used to it. People will get used to things. Get the parent used to whatever kind of relationship you want. If you want to come and go as you please, tell them that you arent sure the next time there will be communication and take the emotion out of it..Do things only on your terms. If they want to see you they will suck ti up and take what they can get from you --just like the rest of the world.

    3. at some point you have to put yourself first, anonymous. we're expected to stand up to and leave abusive partners, and suck it up and stay with abusive family. where is the logic in that?

      whatever you do, if you do it out of strength not weakness, it's going to be the right thing.

  13. Thanks for your comments Anon and Zoe. The weird thing is this dynamic spills over into my working life. I'm always being sucked dry and spit out. I seem to attract abusive situtations that don't allow me to fulfill my potential - or allow me to lead a successful adult life. Objectively speaking, I'm always left empty handed. I would love to change this pattern. I have spent a lifetime trying to change this pattern. It's a strange alchemy, I hope to resolve it soon.




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