Mob sob stories

Have all the boundaries of space and time been exhausted already? I mean, seriously, is there not one measly planet left to discover, not one more giant pronouncement by Stephen Hawking to hawk?

It must be so, because there’s no other reason on Earth that a network as classy as Discovery would dip down to rake up what little bits are left in the muck of old mobster stories.

Tonight, they begin a limited-run (thank God) series, called “Mobster Confessions” that makes you long for the days when a mob turncoat could be hushed up and never heard from again.

But nooo. Here, we have a half-dozen rats who aren’t caged because they ratted out other idiot mobsters, walked free and got the other ones caged.

Excuse me, but this is the channel that brought us “Life,” the awesome “Planet Earth” and the stupendous “Frozen Planet.” I hope they’re ashamed of themselves.

Now, it’s stooped to mob turncoats telling their tales while crying buckets of tears like spoiled brats?

Whatever happened to pride? What the hell ever happened to omertà for God’s sake.

First up is tonight’s premiere episode featuring crying Bill Cutolo, Jr., who is now in the Witness Protection Program.

Sure, he’s under federal protection, but apparently poor Billy is bored to tears (huge, unstoppable, torrents of tears). Well, either that or he knows that the Mafia is now about as relevant and dangerous as Richard Simmons.

The “confession” takes place with Bill Jr., sitting in the standard, innocuous room that’s half a warehouse and half a prison visiting room. (It’s neither.) He tells us through more tears that despite graduating from junior college, he wanted to join his father in the killing game and so becomes a soldier in the Colombo crime family.

Billy Jr. sobs that he lived the good life getting haircuts and manicures (I swear) until two members of his own crime family, Allie Boy Persico and Jackie DeRoss, killed “my fathah, a good man. A fair man. My hero.”

Jr. wanted revenge but his dad’s mathematics lesson came back to haunt him every time he went to knock them off.

It goes something like this: “For every guy you put down, two more will die.” Despite declaring, “Three heads ah gonna roll for my fathah” (his math isn’t that good I guess), he turned on the mob and wore a wire. More tears. And it’s all told through this idiot’s recollections along with cheesy reenactments, making “Mobster Confessions” tougher to sit through than going to confession yourself.

Upcoming mob informants include Frank Calabrese Jr., “Big Ron” Previte, Frank Cullotta, Andrew DiDonato and John Veasey.

One thing is for sure: These formerly dangerous guys are more dangerous in witness protection than they ever were on the street. Now, they risk boring the entire country to death.