Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Day 10

It started out as a simple plan to enjoy the weather on Memorial Day. Then the wife showed up.
Still managed to keep it to 3 beers.

Monday, May 28, 2012

Day 9

The most fun I've had in a long time. I wanted to have a cookout for the Memorial Day Weekend so I did. Busted my ass. Best day in a long time. Thank you.

I invited my wife. I'm very happy she came.

I guess that sums up a lot.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Make It Your Bitch

A very valuable lesson I've learned in life. It may sound crude but in my world, there is no better way to express it.

"If it scares you, make it your bitch". It applies to everyone. No matter what your circumstances. Everyone is afraid of something. It may be small, it may be big. The same rule applies.


Big C Samurai doesn't like to do cheese plates because he's slow at it and afraid he will look bad or gets snapped on if he does them. So he let's his partner "conveniently" assemble them. You know what I told him. Along with orders that he make every cheese plate until further notice.

I've always been claustrophobic and afraid of heights. So what did I do? Joined the fire department. Don layers of clothing, breathing apparatus and crawl into a burning building. That's about as claustrophobic as it gets. And dancing on roof tops 50 feet in the air is about as fearless as it gets.

I used to be a big computer gamer. There was one particular scenario within a favorite game that I really sucked at. I was afraid that my rep would take a pounding when I played that "map". What did I do? I practiced the shit out of it and made it my...............

So whether in work, entertainment or life, it applies the same.

I'm in the process now of making my greatest fear of all time, "my bitch".

I'm curious what happens once you've conquered your greatest fear?  Hmm, could be interesting.

Day 8

Another good day yesterday. Thank you. Let's see what today brings.

Holiday weekend. Trying to stay busy.

Thoughts of wasted time.

Thoughts of what may yet be possible.

Boy, I don't miss the hangovers!

It's becoming apparent I can have A drink and not want another.

When I decided to change my life I thought I was doing it for someone else. I realize now that I'm doing it for me. It's the only way it will get done.

Another night of four hour sleep.

I suspect my dog is an angel.

When I wake in the early morning hours, I find myself looking forward to the day. That hasn't happened in years. Thoughts of wasted time.

Cautiously optimistic.

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Day 7

Some people reading this who know me may have seen me have a drink in the last week. Yes, I still will have an alcoholic beverage. I have a self imposed daily limit of no more than two cocktails (highballs) or one martini. Or nothing at all. Essentially, never being close to the legal limit, never being hung over, never having alcohol affect my judgement, not have it affect my physical or mental well being, not have it affect others, etc, etc, etc.

Some people may ask, why not just quit all together? It may come to that but this is the way I'm approaching it and so far I'm happy with the results.

Day 7

Pretty soon four hours of sleep a night is going to catch up with me. One of the reasons I'm writing this is to kill some time in the wee hours.

I'm really liking not being hung over. It's been almost a week.

Several recent mysterious ailments are starting to disappear.

My appetite has grown tremendously.

Boredom is still an issue. As a matter of fact, boredom is at the root of it all.

My morning bike rides with Bullit are far more enjoyable.

I can see beauty in things again.

I thank God for yesterday and pray for today.

Friday, May 25, 2012

Day 6

I'm very happy to see moisture return to my skin. It was starting to remind me of my dad's death-bed skin. Dry and lifeless. I assume I suffered from chronic dehydration due to consuming excessive amounts of alcohol.

I find it much easier to concentrate and recall phone numbers and names.

I'm not nearly as depressed. As a matter of fact some of my saddness has been replaced by anger. When I finally need something I find myself alone. That's OK, it's the way it's always been.

I wake in the morning thanking God for yesterday's strength and ask him for today's. Repeat daily.

Sleep? That's a problem. I'm not used to much so I can live with it.

I'd like to point out that when you live alone above a bar it would be very easy to give into temptation.

I am proud of myself again.

Friday, May 11, 2012

Monday, May 7, 2012


Ok, enough with the two martini breakfasts. Fuck that shit. Time to get back in the saddle. Hi Oh Silver! Away!

Thursday, May 3, 2012

No More Black Bird

Mr. Blackbird has not returned. Instead his place has been taken by two old friends of mine. The couple that lives in the soffit over my balcony. They used to be afraid of me but now they come and go as they please. (I think they've been eating Mr. Blackbird's corn)Today I heard the cheeps of babies in the soffit. New life. It's still beautiful. How fortunate these birds are? They are mates for life. Not by choice but by nature.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012


Pretty much the same as yesterday, and the day before, and the day before, and the day before, etc. For the last three years. Void of passion, motivation, joy or anything I may have felt once. No more. My mantra these days is "just get through the day". With the help of copious amounts of weed and varying amounts of alcohol I somehow manage to make it until I fall asleep. When that is, is any one's guess. 8:00pm, 11:00pm or 2:30am never really know. As boring as my days are you would think I'd have a schedule. Nope. Everyday is the same, it's just a matter of the hours on the clock. Take this morning for example, I woke up at 3:00am after heading to the couch at 11:00. I didn't make coffee in the hopes of getting back to sleep. Watched a movie on Netflix and was glued to it until 5:00. Coffee time. Fuck. I didn't drink a drop yesterday, yet my day is going to be ruined by lack of sleep. Fuck!Maybe I'll get a nap in and salvage the day? Not likely, I'm restless, what the fuck to do? Same answer as always. Smoke copious amounts of weed and drink. I've been up since three, so for most folks it's noon at my 9:00. I think I'll have a 2 martini breakfast. Why not? My schedule is my schedule! It's kinda funny because as I was sitting in jail recently and a cell mate of mine said to me, "yeah, life sucks right now, not working, dad died, wife left me, WTF? might as well wake up and medicate. What else is going on?" At the time I thought, holy shit, I don't want to ever go there. But here I am. WTF?