Mormons Steal Jefferson

Rescuing Thomas Jefferson 040412

The Fringe takes a whack at LDS


Your Fringe Editor was dozing the other evening when he clearly heard the voice of our patron in liberty, Thom Jefferson.  “Save me, compatriot, the Mormons are after my immortal soul!  I was playing poker with Mark Twain and Carl Sagan when my soul was stolen!” it said. 

I raced to the computer and found at once that the Mormons have baptized and “sealed” the soul of Thomas Jefferson, rather like Dr. Evil stealing Austin Power’s mojo.

The Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Saints seems to be in some kind of soul race with the American Catholic Church, and have come to the conclusion that souls are recyclable, and indeed the dead are in no position to complain, so they’re grabbing all the souls they can.  Our Jewish brothers were pretty pissed when they tried to grab Anne Frank’s soul recently, and one imagined the heavenly tug of war as the Jews grabbed her back. 

Jefferson was very clear about religion in his life: it is a completely personal matter, between a soul and the God it imagines.


“I am a sect to myself, as far as I know”



Thom died a few years before Joseph Smith published his new bible, and twenty years before an angry mob shot Smith in the back, making him forever a martyr.  It’s unlikely he would have joined the church even if he’d lived longer.




Once I realized that Thom’s soul had been stolen, I began to urgently think of ways to help him sin, and so release him from the pious elders of Mormon.  First, I tried to think of a way to smuggle him the soul of a nice plump teenybopper, but then I realized the Mormons would not only be in favor, they might suggest a couple more. 




I struggled with what kind of sin would be best.  I was shooting for having Thom booted to a Terrestrial  Kingdom, where he could be in the good company of liars and philanderers, but not clear into the outer darkness of the sons of perdition.  It would require some skill with sin, since the Mormons are as keen on detecting, naming, and enjoying sin as some Christians.  For people who lived under a literal order of extermination in Missouri, they’re remarkably mellow, except for this soul stealing business. 

I realized that Mormons aren’t allowed to drink alcohol, and wondered for a moment if the task of saving Jefferson shouldn’t go to Don Russell, instead.  The problem is, it might not be enough just to smuggle Thom a nice triple malt scotch.

No, if you really want to be kicked out of Mormon heaven, you have to dabble in homosexuality, but how was I ever going to find a Republican congressman in heaven?




If only the Baptists had stolen Thom, he could have danced his way out of heaven.


Eventually it occurred to me that denying the existence of God is enough for a Mormon rejection; certainly T.J. had enough of those sins!




The lesson to the rest of us?  Make sure you sin enough in this life to keep from being drafted by the Mormons when you die!


Good Luck! 





In fairness, here are the core beliefs of Mormons, outlined by John Smith

13 Articles of Faith




























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