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Somewhat OT: DH is leaving

Felicity0224's picture

I'm not 100% sure what the purpose of this blog is except that I need to vent, think some things through on "paper", and I feel really vulnerable and could use some support. 

Long story not-so-short, DH told me last week that he had signed a lease on an apartment and will be moving out of our home this week. I'm not super surprised. He's been increasingly crititcal of every single thing that I do over the past year or so. Nothing ever seems to make him happy (this doesn't just apply to our relationship) and instead of dealing with what I believe is the root of his unhappiness, he's decided that not living with me anymore is what he needs.

Three years ago I discovered an affair. At that time, I gave him the choice of breaking things off with her and staying with me, or moving forward with a divorce immediately. He chose me, and I worked my ass off to forgive him. This has included countless hours of therapy and self-reflection to ensure that I really did forgive him and never gave into the temtpation to punish him. It was SO EFFING HARD. But I'm proud of myself and honestly even with this outcome, I am glad that I can truthfully look my daughter in the eyes and tell her that I did everything I could to keep our family together. Through all of that, I continually improved myself as a wife. Being as objective and self-critical as I can, I don't know anyone who has been a better partner than I've been to him. I've taken care of his children since they were 2 and 4. I've supported him through career changes. I've helped him start and run the businesses that were *his* dream, and they've been successful because of my involvement. 

The truth is that he is a workaholic to the point that it is detrimental to every single aspect of his life aside from work. He has driven himself and our relationship into the dust, all in the name of being successful. It's worked. Our businesses are flourishing and we've made more money in the last four years than we could have ever imagined. But, it's cost us our relationship and destroyed our family. I think he would say that the trade-off is worth it because all he cares about is being successful and making money. I personally don't believe that it is, and I certainly don't believe that our daughter would agree. If I could go back in time knowing what I know now, I would do everything in my power to dissuade him from starting our businesses. The money, the trips, the cars, the house, and all the other stuff that we've acquired just seems completely worthless weighed against the fact that my daughter is going to grow up in a split household. 

The shitty thing is that even though I KNOW he's a terrible husband, I do still love him. I also believe that it would be best for my daughter to grow up in an intact family so long as we aren't hostile or disrespectful towards each other (which we never have been). But since I have no choice in the matter, all I can do is try to keep things civil and peaceful as possible for DD6. Any and all advice is welcome. Practical, emotional, legal, how to not turn into a bat-shit-crazy BM... *ROFL* 


advice.only2's picture

It sounds like you have been misled this entire marriage to believe that everything is your fault. You strived to be a better partner when he was the sole problem to begin with.

Instead of showing your daughter what a great person you were trying to save a dead marriage. Pick yourself up and show her what a strong woman who respects herself looks like and who works hard to achieve her own goals in life.

Don't waste your time being this man's doormat anymore. Save your love and time for a human being worthy of it.

Siemprematahari's picture

Felicity, I think he did you a favor. It seems like you were more invested in your marriage than he was. He seems to care more about work and making money and everything else is secondary. You gave your all and what did he contribute? Even after the affair? How did he go about gaining your trust again and heal? He took, took, and took and look at you now.....You have to step up and pick up the pieces to find yourself. You made your life ALL about him. Look at this as an opportunity to heal yourself and learn who you are. Find out what Felicity loves to do and be that woman that you have been hiding in the shadows for so long.

Wishing you the best of new beginnings with your daughter in this new chapter of your life. This is a blessing in disguise.

CLove's picture

Im so sorry for what you are going through. It seems as though his work became his mistress, even if he ACTUALLY did break it off with his previous affair partner. I dont think he did, for what its worth, but that is immaterial at this point.

Check out, and you will recognize the signs. The "work obsession", the increasingly critical of you over time..

Definitely if you havent already  - Lawyer up! Because Im sure he probably already has. Dont let love blind you, its a business move, and you must secure enough for you to make it alone, and take care of DD.

Dont be tempted to contact him, go no contact as much as you can.

Good luck, and keep posting.


hereiam's picture

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

I do hate to mention it, but is there a chance there is someone else?

You still love him so don't let that cloud the legal side, don't just give him the benefit of the doubt that he will do what's right regarding money, the business, custody, CS, etc. Do everything by the book.

Lollybobs's picture

Sorry to hear you're going through this. Probably best if you speak to a good divorce lawyer asap...I would suspect he already has. You need to make sure you''re financially secure so that you and your daughter can move forward. Re his affair - well done for managing to genuinely forgive him. Presumably you're certain this woman is definitely off the scene?

Daisymazy2's picture

Protect yourself.  Make sure you have copies of the financial records for the business.  Find the life insurance policies, tax records and everything that you need.  I know, your heart isn't into all that but more than likely he has already been thinking of ways to make sure you do not get your fair share.  

ESMOD's picture

Lawyer up.. make sure joint accounts are locked down too.. don't let him hide things from you.  When my DH and I decided to split.. he took our entire savings account and transferred it to himself.  This account had JUST been plumped up considerably by a profit sharing bonus of over 20K from MY job.. the balance of the money was mostly mine too.

I read him such a riot act that he did put it but people will do things like this and your DH doesn't sound to be very honest at his core


thinkthrice's picture

Good Riddance.

Yes, I'm cynical.

Merry's picture

You've devoted yourself to your marriage. May I ask if he did? You did the therapy and all the hard work to forgive him (and I know what that is like). Did HE? Was he in therapy as well? If not, there is no way he has gotten to the core of why he cheated to begin with, so he is destined to repeat his mistakes.

But all that therapy for you has undoubtedly paid off as you know yourself and your boundaries better now. And he has given you the chance to be independent, successful, and happy. (I'm sorry it hurts right now though.)

Curious Georgetta's picture

through a divorce where the custody of 2, young children and substantial assets are in question.

Her  lawyer advised her to forget fault and focus on funds.

Her husband cheated , but her lawyer said  forget that except  as something to  discuss with her priest or therapist. The courts do not care and he, the lawyer, charges to much to listen to tales of adultery.

However, he said that if her husband gave expensive gifts, jewelry, trips, money  to his  mistress, he had  improperly disposed of their joint marital  assets.

Stay focused on the money. If he has consulted a lawyer, asset movement has probably already started.

Focus on your assets and your child. You will have plenty of time later to grieve the demise of the marriage.

You say that you still love  him.  Your vision may be clouded  by emotions , but know that he won't be afflicted with that same limitation.

You are a strong and capable woman who should not come out of this feeling diminished.



notsurehowtodeal's picture

CG's friend's lawyer is spot on. You need to keep your emotions at bay and start looking out for yourself. Quit thinking about him and his feelings your desire to be "good." If he has an apartment, he has a lawyer. Do some research and interview the three best divorce lawyers you can find. Consider moving half of any money in any accounts to a new account at a different bank. Start protecting yourself and your assetts because he is already doing it.

Cooooookies's picture

Staying in a toxic, loveless, albeit "calm" marriage teaches children the wrong lesson.  You are doing your DD6 a favor.  She is going to see what a happy, healthy, independent, loving mother you are.  She is going to see how you provide for her and she is going to learn how to love herself and not put herself in the situation you had yourself in.  Teach her everything you've learned from this.  She will thrive from this, NOT from watching 2 people struggle to co-exist together.  That is not what giving a child a happy childhood is about.

Also, what the others have said.  Find a kick-a$$ lawyer and focus on protecting yourself.  Do not be "nice" - do what will be best and fair to yourself.

decofru's picture

I can tell how hurt you are from your words. I am so sorry, may you find the strength and comfort you need to heal from this, divorce is never easy especially if the other person is against it. I think DH might be involved with another woman. As invested in his work and businesses as he was he still had the time to cheat? Maybe acting invested in his work was his way of hiding a lot of things.

I know how it hurts to think of your child growing up in a split home moving from one home to another and having to become someone's unwanted step child. Being a step mother myself, knowing how i hate it and how i feel about my own step child, I would never want my son being anyone's step child or to be refered to as the crazy BM by the new wife or my child's step mom but hey some things are out of your control. 

Wishing all the best

ITB2012's picture

I wonder what happened three years ago that triggered things? Your DH had an affair and from your previous post your SD started threatening suicide. I'm sorry it's been such a bumpy and unhappy ride for you.