Maria (slave_o_spike) wrote,

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QaF Fic - Something Seriously Amiss

Title: Something Seriously Amiss
Part 1 of 3 Parts
Pairing: Brian/Justin (technically speaking BrianJustin/JustinBrian)
Rating: PGish in this part
Timeline: Early S5
Summary: This is your typical body swap plot line. A witch decides to show the boys what it would be like to walk in the others shoes. Chaos and hilarity ensue.

Disclaimers: I don't own Cowlip, the boys, a functioning utility room, my Expedition (used it to bail out my cook), a life, etc, etc, etc...

This is Part 1. There are 3 Parts. I will be posting Part 2 in the next 2 days and then 3 shortly thereafter.

In case you were wondering.

This is cross-posted at qaf_bunnies, where _alicesprings requested a body swap plot line. She wanted something funny, not angsty - I'll try, but I'm not really funny.

This is for her....

Part 1

Walking down Liberty Avenue, Minerva couldn't help but think how cruel irony was sometimes.

Life could get pretty boring for a centuries-old witch and looking for a place to have a good time got just this side of tedious when you were approaching the 6th century mark. Fortunately for Minerva, she had discovered a lovely group of friends at the local church and had suddenly started enjoying things called 'bake sales' and 'bingo night.'

Her most favorite time of the week by far was the latter. Bingo Night was the night she could let go, gossip with her new found friends, possibly win some prizes and yell out ridiculous words like the aforementioned 'bingo.'

However one night, Father O'Malley decided he would grace everyone with his views on some of the church's history, saying stupid things like the witch trials from four hundred years ago were really 'not that bad' and 'quite over-rated.'

Well, Minerva thought, that just wasn't called for. She had a difference of opinion, being that she was there.

So Minerva decided that the good Father should come down with a nasty case of the 24-hour flu. Tonight the priest would be worshiping false gods, namely of the porcelain variety.

Unfortunately for Minerva, tonight was Wednesday night - Bingo Night.

She knew she should have really planned it out better. She could have saved it for Sunday.

So here she was, wandering around the gay district of Pittsburgh for lack of anything better to do. She decided that if she stayed home and sat through one more episode of Wheel of Fortune, she would curse Vanna White, making all her teeth and hair fall out.

Of course, Minerva wasn't exactly convinced that Ms. White wasn't a witch herself. She didn't know of many mortal women her age who could have breasts that defy gravity the way hers did.

She had already visited the Liberty Diner and had eaten something called the Pink Plate Special served to her by a very loud-mouthed waitress wearing a shirt with the words MY PENIS IS AT THE GARAGE emblazoned across the front.

The food was so atrocious she had almost considered cursing the infernal woman with a cock but decided against it when she realized the woman might actually like it.

She had just walked by the doors of a very noisy nightclub when she heard voices coming from the alley.

Minerva was no stranger to what went on in dark alleys behind gay male nightclubs, however, she was bored and decided what would hurt her just taking an innocent looky-round.

There was a tall, handsome man, trying to wrap his arms around the smaller man, a very pretty boy with blond hair. The contrast between the two, light and dark, was quite striking in Minerva's opinion. She thought these two boys might rate a closer look - possibly even a quick listen-in.

Afterall, you didn't get to be six centuries old by not knowing what was going on around you.

"Briian, not right now! I'm hungry," said the smaller of the two.

"You're always hungry. How about we go back to the loft and you can snack on something, say oh, approximately nine inches long, about.."

"Brian! Nine inches?" the shorter man tsked. "Since when did you convert to the metric system?"

The taller of the two swatted the boy's head playfully.

"Really, Brian. I'm hungry."

"Let's go to the diner and get ya something," the man said while hugging the boy from behind and kissing him behind the ears.

"No! No diner food. I'm sick of the diner..."

"Well, you wouldn't be sick of the diner if you didn't work there everyday. Now you wouldn't have to work there everyday if you would, oh I don't know, say go back to school."

"Brian, don't start this again. You don't understand about my decision not to go back there. I wish that just for once you could understand where I was coming from."

The taller man, the one named Brian Minerva surmised, put his hands up in surrender and backed off. "Okay, okay. It was just a suggestion. Let's go home," Brian said while jumping in front of the boy and grabbing him.

"I'm still hungry. How about pizza at that all-night pizzeria?"

"How about, hmmm, let me think about this, uh, no," Brian said while starting to walk away.

"Live a little," the boy said while grabbing Brian's elbow. "Come on, it'll be fun."

"No. Remember my rule - no carbs after..."

"....after seven. Yeah, yeah, I know," the boy said dejectedly. "Would it kill you to eat something after seven? I mean really. I swear. You're like the only guy I know who has a scale that measures in ounces as well as pounds."

"Justin, don't even go there. I don't have the metabolism of a 21 year-old twink, okay? A fag in his," and at this Brian cleared his throat, "advancing years needs to make concessions in order to stay in the game because believe it or not, young Padawan, there is always someone younger and someone hotter that will come along and just take it all away." Brian leaned over and touched his forehead to Justin's forehead. "So come on, let's go home and you can have something there." Brian started to drag Justin by his hand.

"As if you had anything to worry about. You, the Great Brian Kinney!" Justin dug his heels into the ground and stood firm. "You have nothing to worry about...never will have anything to worry about. You're the CEO of a very successful ad agency. Your the 'It' Guy. You can make cash magically appear out of thin air," and Minerva noticed the boy wince here. "We mere mortals have nothing over your greatness," Justin said while waving his arms in the air.

Now Minerva was sure she had never heard of this guy before. Besides, his aura was that of a mortal. Obviously the rumors of his so-called greatness were highly exaggerated.

"You think it's really that easy for me? Look, let's go home," Brian started to steer Justin to the alleyway entrance, "we'll fuck, we'll go to sleep, we'll wake up, I'll go to work at an ungodly hour, you'll go to the diner and do your little busboy thing..."


"You'll do your little waiter thing, I'll prove how fabulous I am in the advertising world, which by the way, is not as easy as I make it look, I'll make us lots of money, come home, and we'll do it all over again." Brian made a hand-waving motion. "You can eat some carbs somewhere in between all that. Now let's go."

Justin stopped. "Can I fuck you tonight?"

"Have my ears in my advanced stage of years deceived me?" Brian scratched the back of his ear.

"Can. I. Fuck. You?" Justin stepped closer to Brian.

"Um, no. Let's go."

"Oh, come on. I bet I could make you beg for it," Justin said in his seductive tone of voice.

Minerva thought the kid could probably get the older man to agree to anything with that voice...

"Oh, there'll be begging alright. You, when you realize that's the only way you're going to get any fucking in tonight."

...except that.

"You never let me top!"

"I have so, there were some times I did," Brian defended.

"Oh yeah, right, I remember those times - both of them!"

"See. Two. That's two more times than most of gay Pittsburgh. Now come on," Brian said while grabbing Justin again.


"Let's not argue over semantics right now, okay?"

"I just wish you knew sometimes what it feels like to not know if you're in control or not," Justin said while walking along with Brian.

"That makes two of us. Now come on," Brian said while hugging Justin and walking toward the alley's entrance.

Minerva hid in the shadows. As she watched the two men walk away she realized just how much fun this could be. Life wasn't so boring at this point in time afterall. And she had convinced herself that she was helping them. They weren't a bad pair...they were just a little lost.

It would be her duty to help them find their way.

She hadn't used the spell in over 100 years so she hoped she still remembered the words.

Klaatu Barada Nikto

Yep, Minerva thought, she still had it.

She just hoped she remembered the words when it was time to undo the spell. Minerva decided now would be a good time to leave the area before the fireworks began.

Justin and Brian walked to where the Corvette was parked. Justin went to the passenger's side and Brian to the driver's. When he went to get his keys, he realized he didn't have them.

He also realized he didn't have his own jacket. When he looked up to ask Justin what the fuck was going on, he looked back into his own face.

Justin, well, the one that looked like Brian, looked up at the very same time.

Their screams could be heard throughout all of Pittsburgh, gay, straight and otherwise.


And yes, the Klaatu Barada Nikto was a nod to Sam Raimi, Bruce Campbell and the movie, Army of Darkness - Evil Dead III which in turn was a nod to the robot Gort in The Day the Earth Stood Still.

Also, an additional disclaimer - Minerva is so NOT a Mary Sue.
I don't even like bingo

Feedback is welcome
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