If Your Favorite Tour de France Team Were a Movie

Here's what would be playing in bike racing's greatest theater

Jurassic Park
With last year's runner-up and sixth-place finisher in Jean-Christophe Peraud and Romain Bardet, French team AG2R-La Mondiale has some serious fangs. Too bad their brown bib shorts make them look more like cavemen than T. rexes.

Animal House
Despite winning last year's Tour de France, Vincenzo Nibali's Astana squad was put on double-secret probation after five of its riders tested positive last season.

Raiders of the Lost Ark
For Cannondale-Garmin general manager Jonathan Vaughters, winning the Tour de France would be like finding the Holy Grail. With the whip-smart and tough-as-nails Andrew Talansky, he has a rider who can help him do it.

The Avengers
The Belgian Etixx Quick-Step squad offers a who's who of comic-book rock stars. They don't win every battle, but they somehow manage to make each Tour a success.

The Goonies
Every year, led by its fearless leader Thomas "The Tongue" Voeckler, Team Europcar embarks on a quest to save its sponsor. If the team manages to win a stage or two and place a rider like Pierre Rolland in the top 10 overall, they'll all be doing the truffle shuffle in Paris.

The Fast and the Furious
If you're a fan of pure speed, look no further than Giant-Alpecin, a squad led by John Degenkolb, one of the sport's toughest racers.

The colorful Italian Lampre-Merida squad hasn't won a stage at the Tour since 2010, but that doesn't stop the team from coming back each year with hi-vis jerseys, funky helmets, and Fu Manchu goatees. They might not win, but they at least look, um, interesting while trying.

Of all the riders entering the 2015 Tour de France, perhaps none is more feared than Nairo Quintana. Supported by his formidable Movistar teammates (including perennial predator Alejandro Valverde), the explosive Colombian climber with a terrifying uphill acceleration will have other teams wishing they had brought "a bigger boat."

Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure
With lilting accents and a passion for rock and roll, ORICA-GreenEDGE is an affable bunch of hard-riding Aussies who make each year's Tour de France look like a blast. For proof, check out their postrace videos on YouTube.

Men in Black
Gadgets, black suits, and a desire to make us all forget about the doping skeletons in their closet--everything about Team Sky is focused on galactic domination.

The Empire Strikes Back
Is the Force strong enough to help Alberto "Skywalker" Contador and Peter "Solo" Sagan overcome the firing of popular Tinkoff-Saxo director Bjarne "Obi-Wan" Riis? If it isn't, Oleg "Vader" Tinkov might banish these two stars to the farthest reaches of the universe.

Photo Credits: Dinosaur: John Greim; Iglinskiy: Michael Krakowski/Stringer; Gerrans: John Berry; Froome, Roche: Bryn Lennon; DEgenkolb: Valery Hache/Staff; Kittel: Morne de Klerk; Car: John Phillips

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