Don’t tell me what my sexuality and identity can be.

I hate this idea that you have to pick a sexuality or identity and that is what you get. Why is there this pick a color of the rainbow and stick with it rule? Like everything about us doesn’t change as we experience life. Why does identity have to be the same as it was five years ago or day to day? Maybe today this fits, and tomorrow something else will. Over the last few years, I’ve gone from not at all identifying with the trans label, to now fully feeling like it fits, and that doesn’t mean I’m not genderqueer anymore, I am both, or one, or nothing depending on the day. Telling people to pick something and stick with it is like telling people they are never allowed to grow or explore more of themselves.

Life changes us. Our experiences change us. Maybe it’s just because of the way I was raised, but I learn things about myself all the time. It might be because I repressed those things while just trying to survive or maybe because I never had the opportunity to learn them like someone who grows up in an accepting household, or maybe I wasn’t ready to discover them yet, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t real and valid feelings. And I am just one example.

I just can’t get over this idea that sexuality and identity are stagnant. I don’t think that’s the way it works at all. They are fluid. I read a review recently (not of one of my books) that criticized one of the characters for not knowing he was bi until later in life. Sure, I knew I was bi at a young age, but I know plenty of people who didn’t know they had feelings for anyone, including the opposite sex until much older, let alone the same sex. My partner didn’t realize he was attracted to men until around thirty. I think there are all kinds of reasons for this. I think we repress things sure, but that’s not the only reason. I think sexuality evolves as we grow and get to know ourselves better.

I’m a different person with each book I write, and if I go back and read the book I see it. I see parts of my soul I left behind in those books. I see things I discovered about myself in old books, and I see my sexuality change. This is why I don’t write similar books. My books are all different because they are all a reflection of parts of me at the time I wrote them. There are even things that squicked me out previously that I’ve included in new books. If you had asked me if I would have ever written a daddy dom book a few years ago I would have told you hell no, and now, well let’s just say I’ve become more open to the idea ever since a superhero picture put the idea in my brain.

People change. This is a recognized fact. I know my tastes have changed. Who hasn’t read a book and found something completely new that you never knew got you before. Or been scrolling through Tumblr, and been drawn to something new. (Well that was until Tumblr ruined itself) We change. We grow. This is known. I’m not the same person I was a month ago, let alone a year ago. But yet when someone says this label doesn’t fit anymore they get backlash or get told they have always been that way but were denying it.

Why are we judging people for evolving? Change is good. Change is growth, even if it’s in the wrong direction at first, the path to the top isn’t a straight line. It’s more like a messy graph. Self-exploration is never a bad thing, we have to get to know ourselves better to know what we are. I’ve always believed everything we’ve done and lived through etches our personality and I wouldn’t change who I’ve become for anything. This is why I don’t believe in regrets. I don’t dwell on the past, I look at the future and what I have to do to get to where I want to be. I am what I am today, and tomorrow I may be something entirely different.

4 thoughts on “Don’t tell me what my sexuality and identity can be.

  1. I could not agree more with your words. I never identified how I felt about other girls or women as attracted toon because that was not allowed. Now o understand it for what it is. I only wished I could have realized it sooner.

  2. Life isn’t a straight line, (and if it is for some, it sounds kinda boring, but to each their own….).

    Love your article!

    It reminded me that life isn’t stagnant and that it changes.

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