June 11

I love observing people. People on the bus, on the train, in a restaurant, everywhere! As long as you are discreet it can be a fun way to past the time.

Just a few weeks ago I was sitting at the traffic lights and in the lane next to me was a man who was desperately trying to rescue a bogey. This bogey seemed to be trapped very high up inside his big nose. As the seconds went by I could see the panic in his face, probably imagining that he may not get it out before the lights went green. Instead of giving up, his determination grew and he began digging up there, his finger in as far as it could! Part of me was disgusted I must say, but the other was hoping to see how big this bogey was. After a few frantic seconds, it was free! If you are prone to a queasy stomach stop reading NOW.

Because, on removing his finger, this bogey appeared to be one of those long, wet, stringy ones with a hard end that was attached to his finger. What originally made me feel sick was the fact that the stringy end swung down as he pulled out his finger and landed partially on his lip. But what pushed me towards tasting my sick was the fact that he lifted it up, and ate it. YES, he ate it!

How can anyone eat their own bogey! I remember when I was at primary school and the other children used to do it and even then I found it revolting. This man was at least 45! For the rest of the day all I could think about is that he ate that monster-bogey. It disturbed me. How can people be so oblivious as to sit there and do something so disgusting whilst knowing people can see them?

But that’s just the thing; people are oblivious. Most of us have been on buses in our lives, but have you really looked at the people around you? There are always those old people that often sit in front of you and talk about the most boring bullshit to the point where it even starts to send them to sleep. And at the back there is always that group of spotty chav boys and girls. Always with their mouth half open and a chunk of white gum on show. The girls with earrings dogs could jump through whilst the boys, that always stink horribly of too much lynx and wear so much gel in their hair that it hardens and looks more like a hat, either sit there trying to look cool or try and give their male friend a wedgie. This embarassing show of (questionable) masculinity is blatantly there just to try and encourage miss chavette to take the gum out of her mouth for 10 minutes and suck his cock.

But my favourites are the middle-aged, reasonably affluent couples. Because as the bus begins approaching the last stop you can see the husband checking out everyone else on the bus. Sizing us all up. And then they start doing that weird thing of switching between sitting up abnormally straight to look down at us all and then bending over in the position you take when about to faint so they can watch you discreetly out the corner of their eye. We all know he just wants to get off the bus first. It’s even as if he is challenging us all to try and beat him. He then starts talking to his wife, probably warning her that if she doesn’t hurry off the bus he will start a temper tantrum.

You know the ones, where just as the bus begins to stop he will jump up quickly, dragging his poor embarassed wife to the doors and then look back at us passengers smugly because he knows he will get off first. Now, I love when this happens at park and ride bus stops, because men are often useless when it comes to having change on them (from my own experience) and often give it to their wives to put in their purse. Well, in one specific case, this wife being unfortunately (for her husband) not an anal, pathetic loser didn’t have the change ready, and as the queue started for the pay machine, everyone, already holding their £2.50 had to wait for this woman to find some change from the bottom of her body-bagged sized handbag. Being English and all, this of course provokes an intense tutting session from the majority of us passengers, and plenty of “evils” from our fellow chavs/chavettes. But the best bit was when she couldn’t find any change and then had to move and join the end of the queue for the machine that takes notes. Then everyone, after paying BEFORE Mr. Tosser, walked past him with a smile….. :)

The other thing I don’t get is people who chew on shared pencils/pens! I have seen many people in the post office/library/bank wherever, be given a pen to fill in some forms and whilst thinking/waiting begin to chew/suck on the fucking thing! Gross! Because knowing my luck that would be the pen I would unfortunately choose to fill in my forms :-/ But what always cheers me up about it is the fact that whilst in the amazingly long queue, (post office, of course!), I have already seen the end of that pen in the mouth of an old granny. And it’s always the one that has a beard and a sunken face and the wrinkly mouth that looks probably the same as her arsehole.

So people, let that be warning to you. That pen you’re about to put in your mouth could have just been chewed by a false-teethed old granny!

And of course, if there are any other funny observations I’ve missed, don’t hesistate to tell me and gross me out! :)