Recipe: Hung-Way-Over Soup

Shhh. Quietly. My brain is throbbing. Fucking whiskey. People, don’t mix whiskey with anything but water, or you’ll feel similar to me right now–red-eyed lump of shit. No time to think. Make this.

  1. Get Chili Flavored Ramen Soup.
  2. Put about an inch and a half of water in a pot.
  3. Open the soup packet over the water, so you don’t send little fucking noodle pieces all over the kitchen.
  4. If the flavor packet falls in the water, wash your fucking hands, and retrieve it with your fingers. Do this before you turn the heat on … just in case you’re stupid, and you like suing people because you’re stupid.
  5. Boil the water before putting the noodles in.
  6. Once boiling, gently place the noodles in. Don’t cover that shit or it will volcano all over the stove and, yes, fuck up your day.
  7. Open the flavor packet and sprinkle over the top of the noodles. Warning: If you foolishly open this packet over the steaming pot, the powdered shit will condense into a paste and stick to the packet … yes, and fuck up your day.
  8. After a minute or so, crack anywhere between one and three eggs into that shit. The number of eggs depends on how long you were passed out, and how fat you are. I’m kind of a fat ass, and I usually oversleep, so two.
  9. Take a fork and break those yolks up. Mush ’em in there good. Again, don’t cover this shit or bad things will happen.
  10. Another minute or two and you’re good.
  11. Turn off the heat and let it sit for a few minutes.
  12. Meanwhile, turn on the TV. I suggest news or something else that doesn’t require thought.
  13. Grab that fork and a thick potholder. Take the pot with soup, sit down, and place the soup on the potholder on your lap. Fuck up the order of things, and this won’t end well. It goes lap, potholder, soup counting from the bottom.
  14. Eat that shit with a fork. “What about the delicious salty broth?” you ask. Well, that depends on your blood pressure. I admit to drinking that shit down occasionally. What you do, I don’t need to know. Just don’t burn your lips, precious.

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Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.