My Asperger’s / autism and (my need for) self-defense [Mental Health Monday]

Still peeling the onion.  Asperger’s/autism discovery as an adult, for me, has been a never-ending–yet unpredictable–cycle of unpacking and reframing.

Unpack, reframe, unpack, reframe.

I unpack each trait as it hits home, leaving its fingerprint on my core, and then I peer through the retro-kaleidoscope that is my lens and apply the theoretical aspect of said trait to my life.  Unpacking (for me) is the discovery of traits and tendencies; reframing is the application of them to their manifestation in real life.

It’s a process.  🙂  The important part is to be patient and allow it to germinate and grow and bloom and unfold and spread wings–and give you yours with which to fly.

Invariably, defense is never far away.  After all, how else could I deal with the various expectations and accusations and labels lobbed at me over the years, for which I had previously had no self-expressive words?  I had to make up for lost time.

By “labels”, I don’t mean diagnostic labels like Asperger’s/autism, ADHD, and the like.  By “labels”, I mean those simple, everyday words that carry a subtle (or not so subtle) pejorative weight, casting shadows that linger.

Words like “picky eater”.

No, I’m not a picky eater.  “Picky” implies a certain air of snobbery, as though a particular item is not “good enough”.  I’m picky about what kind of cat food I buy, because I’m concerned about my fur-kids’ health.  To be “picky” implies that there is a choice, and that it’s a strictly voluntary one.  And it’s usually used as a criticism, to convey an unjustifiable elitism.

Food is another matter entirely.  I’m a “super-taster”.  Oranges are utterly sour to me, eggs taste too sulfur-y, mashed potatoes hit my gag reflex, vinegar (or anything “pickled”) is so sharp it burns.

Believe it or not, I want to be able to eat oranges.  I want to enjoy a good salad at an Italian restaurant (which often involves a vinaigrette).  High-quality eggs are akin to a superfood, according to some dietary circles.  Why would I want to give them the axe?  The truth is, I don’t.  My tastebuds and neurological reflexes have given them the axe for me.

Some people like the sharpness, the sourness, the citrus-ness, etc, of different foods.  But what if it was too much?  To get an idea of what this might be like, just eat an orange peel; most of its citrus flavor is concentrated there.  Or, to get an idea of what the sourness is like, eat a lemon peel.  Not the citrus fruits, but their peels.  I’m not you, so I can’t say for sure, but I imagine that the peels are a lot more intense than the fruit itself.

I now know that my “super-tasting” characteristic is likely a real-life manifestation of Sensory Sensitivity, a common trait on the Asperger’s/autism spectrum.  Ah!–explanation at last.  I felt like running around and waving my arms in my former babysitters’ faces and saying, “see?  See??  It’s not me being ‘picky’ and difficult’.  It’s a Thing!”

Let’s take another one: “Underachiever”.

Ooooh, this one grinds me.  It implies laziness, slackerdom, indifference, not caring.

Nothing could have been further from the truth.

You see, I want to learn.  I want to achieve.  I want to succeed.  I always have.  I wanted everything a growing mind needs and wants.  In fact, I probably wanted it more than anyone else in my kindergarten and elementary school classes.  They were concerned with goofing off and chattering with each other, while I had my nose in books.  Books were more interesting, and learning was more fun, than any chattering or goofing off.

But when Report Card Time came around (or ugh, those dreaded Parent-Teacher Conferences), my grades were lower.  Why?  Because I didn’t do my homework, that’s why.  Why should I spend time drawing circles on worksheets–or later on, diagramming simple sentences–when I already knew the material and was ready to move on to something else?

Underachievement comes from boredom, my pretties.  Boredom is a mere by-product of a much deeper problem: a steaming compost heap of insisted-upon mediocrity, pressure to conform, material below the student’s aptitude level, and an inability of the also-mediocre education system to adapt, reach, and negotiate with my brain-wiring.

When information is presented in a particular way, it might not stick.  Present the same information, even with increased complexity, in a different way, and it downloads effortlessly into my brain, to be remembered for decades or even a lifetime.

That ain’t “underachievement”; that’s an alternative learning style.

“Oversensitive” is another term that frosts my ass.

There are two “flavors” or meanings of this word for me.

The first context involves personal comments–that is, those made About Me.  I usually can’t tell if someone’s joking with me, yanking my chain, or pulling my leg (the last two sound painful…).  If someone makes a remark, there are times when I’ve been unable to distinguish affectionate joking from sarcasm or criticism.  Having been teased and bullied relentlessly in my younger years, I quickly learned that most comments made to my personality or appearance (or whatever) are likely to be condescending or critical.

My brain developed a sensitive, negative, and efficient detect-and-react protocol in response.  It didn’t take long for that to become the default response to every comment unless/until proven otherwise.  After all, that’s what brains do: they learn, adapt, and become Better Next Time.  And there were many Next Times for critical comments.

But what happens when someone comes along and they’re joking?  Initially, they probably get the hostile, sensitive response.  It’s not their fault, but Top Secret: it’s not mine, either.  Not that I’m into victimhood, but I’ve been made a victim of both chronic bullying and thus also my own neurology.

The second context involves a sensitivity in general.  I can’t handle seeing or hearing about suffering, particularly that borne by the innocent and vulnerable.  I also have a heightened reaction even to situations such as loud sports-obsessed rednecks – I find their obnoxiousness extreme.

Yet, because sports obsession–and the hooting, hollering, cheering, and yelling that comes with it–are considered within the realm of “normal behavior”, and there are more sports fans than there are Aspergian/autistic people, then it is they who are socially permitted to behave the way they do, and it is I/we who must adapt or leave.  My fight-or-flight response might be kicking into full gear around people like that, but since fighting those people isn’t an option, I “simply” avoid those places.

I end up avoiding a lot of places.  Malls, restaurants, grocery stores, etc.  Especially during peak-traffic times (i.e., Saturdays at the mall are out).

The same goes for news headlines and whatnot: I simply don’t think the world is sensitive enough.  We should be saddened by certain current events.  We should be offended or outraged by certain attitudes and injustices.  If not, how truly human are we?  Sure, I think that being offended can be taken (way) too far.  But there are certain lines that shouldn’t be crossed, certain behaviors that simply shouldn’t be permitted.  And yet, society at large shrugs off cruelty as though people were covered with an invisible oily film.

I dare say that the crux of the issue is not “My Oversensitivity Problem”, but it’s more of a “Obnoxious and Callous Society Problem”.  The world at large has poor impulse control and little empathy (ha!  Irony), but it’s me who has to pay.  (Hence my desire for more societal/cultural adaptation, to make the world more inclusive–and more sensitive/empathetic?  Society is oversensitive alright, but in all the wrong ways).

But somehow the alpha-dogs and social engineers always elbow everybody else out of the way, and it seems as though most of the rest of the population, even if they aren’t alphas themselves, they wish they were and probably believe that with enough effort, they could be someday.  Thus, they wouldn’t want to extinguish the very traits they’re looking to emulate.

Meh.  So much for diversity; so much for progress.  When a true alternative person comes along, they’re/we’re/I’m still shunned!

My defenses are largely within my mind.  Sure, I’d like to go back to everyone who’s ever lobbed any nasty snark at me and zap them right back, but another aspect of my Asperger’s/autism that I’m starting to unpack is the realization of just how much sheer elbow grease that would take, and I’m starting to be kinder to myself in terms of giving myself a break and pacing myself so that I have the energy for the limited outside interaction (that which I can’t avoid) when I need it.

Otherwise, my best defense is education.  Oh, you want to call me This or That?  Well, allow me to enlighten you!  That might be the best longer-term solution anyway–for the mental health of the world itself.  🙂



  • I’m not “picky”; I’m simply tastebud-amped.  It’s not something I can control or decide.
  • I’m not “underachieving”; I’m bored off my ass.  I learn better using some methods than others, and apparently mine aren’t the default mode of education systems.
  • I’m not “oversensitive”; the world is loud, obnoxious, aggressive, borderline-abusive, and fairly callous and conscience-free.  “Progress” and “diversity” embrace appear to be lip-service only.
  • Bonus: I’m not a “procrastinator”; I work best under pressure, and I’m more motivated as a deadline approaches.  So as long as I get the task(s) done, who the hell cares?


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    1. Maybe the next time someone accuses any of us of being picky eaters, we should ask them if they are willing to eat [some food that’s common in another part of the world but “disgusting” to most people in our own country]. When they make a “Yuck!” face and say no, tell them they’re just being picky, because LOTS of people eat that food. 🙂

      Liked by 3 people

  1. I never understand people who hide their abusive comments under the ‘only joking’ tag – if they are being unkind and hurtful, there is no joke about it! Your description of the society we live in is spot on (sadly). x

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Well written post, accurately expressed to help others understand. I raised a son with Asperger’s before they knew much about it… talk about hard, getting the world to accept my beautiful round peg that they wanted to jam into a square hole. Lots of scars, but he is a fine young man, making his way just fine in the world.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Haha, yes, yes, yes. I’m beginning to reframe the sensitivity issue. I’m not over sensitive, I’m hyper-wired (in certain regions of my brain), hyper-sensitive, and that makes everyone else under sensitive (and possibly under – wired?) . Put that way, now who appears the have the deficit? 😉😉😉😂😂😂

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Oh I loathe being called a ‘picky eater’. No one would choose to have an eating disorder like mine, it is humiliating and makes life so much harder than it already is, restricting what I can do, where I can go etc. The amount of negative comments I’ve had to endure from people in my lifetime have only made the struggle worse.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh my dear friend, I ache for you 💔. I can only imagine what you went through 💐. I wish people would just keep negative comments to themselves! Everyone’s heard the adage “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all”, but so many people don’t actually follow that advice 🌷🌺

      Liked by 1 person

      1. No they dont, especially on something like this where they can be soooo judgemental, assuming I’m just being deliberately difficult. The force feeding I got at one particular school did nothing whatsoever to help. This is the one bit of my brain wiring I truly wish I could cut out and throw away, I hate it but can do nothing to change it. There is so little public knowledge and understanding about SED/ARFID, it gets none of the sympathy that the other eating disorders elicit.

        Liked by 2 people

        1. You bring up excellent points! These are conversations that need to be had 👏🏼👏🏼❤️. Wow, force feeding?? Seriously, I think that’s abuse!! 😡💔. I’m so sorry for what you went through! 💐

          There might be one glimmer of hope! Researchers are starting to find that the brain can indeed rewire itself over time (!). It just takes a while, and they’re not sure how to do it clinically yet. They’ve discovered a few neat things, though! I know it doesn’t help now/yet, but perhaps someday soon! I do have a good friend who runs a blog over at Broken Brilliant; he’s really up on the current research; after some head trauma he had to teach himself to do stuff again, like reading (!). So his blog would definitely be a good source of info, if you’re interested.

          Either way, I think there’s hope, luv. I think the first step is to have conversations like these, and to add your voice wherever you can, like you’re doing 👏🏼👍🏼😘. I think that although yes, we can change our brains and all, aside from that, our society is disordered if it thinks it’s acceptable to treat people like you that way. That’s a HUGE no-no. Society has a shit-ton of work to do! 💪🏼💟🌟💞


          1. It certainly does. This is something I’ve been researching the past 10 years, ever since learning it was an actual thing, it had a name, others were like me. There are many instances where it can be helped, I know of one person (a NT) although it took a nervous breakdown to rewire his brain with regards to food, but all the research is saying at the moment is that when it is connected to autism, its almost impossible to do anything. It took me 10 years to learn to eat one item (pasta), and even then it has to be a certain type, done in a certain way, and hot, otherwise it triggers. Its just too stressful to keep fighting against it, i’m too tired to keep forcing myself to adapt, vomiting, wasting food, money, trying to change something that doesnt want to be changed. I get bored with what I do eat, but it doesnt encourage my brain to try anything else. Maybe others can be helped, but i suppose Ive grudgingly accepted this is just how I am.


  5. Here is a question for you Laina that has been really bugging me for some time. Maybe you and/or some of the commenters on here can help answer it:

    Considering some of the traits many of us are renowned for e.g.

    …my question is this – is it possible for there to be Aspergians that are snide, dishonest, deliberate troublemakers, liars and cheats, predators, backstabbers, play games with peoples minds, and just general all round bast**ds. I knew one that kept claiming to have been diagnosed with AS and yet behaved exactly as just described. Another that repeatedly failed online questionnaires (one being the old 150 question RDOS test) only scoring about 115 each time they took it (a test I scored 183 on), and yet have now been diagnosed with AS, which surprised a number of people, including me, very much. This person whilst having a very lovely side to their personality also has a very unpleasant side, snide, dishonest, lies and cheats to get what they want etc. and plays mind-games too just for the ‘fun’ of it. Has anyone else come across Aspergians like this?

    This is a genuine quest for an answer, it’s really bugging me, and I am wondering if this is evidence that some people can lie and cheat their way through a formal diagnosis.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hmmm. I honestly don’t know, but I honestly don’t think it’s very likely. I would have to think that there would *have* to be something else going on, and either that person got genuinely misdiagnosed by a clueless clinician, or they found out about the label and adopted it and started using it as an excuse to be an asshole (or at least as an excuse to explain why they are the way they are). But yeah, knowing what I do know about Asperger’s/autism, I would have to say that the profiles seem to contradict each other 💙💜💟

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thanks for that reply, and it confirms my own feelings about the matter. It does make me wonder about the rigorousness of the training some people might be getting to make them authorised diagnosticians. Might also go a little way to explaining why there has been a jump in people diagnosed with AS.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I do believe you’re totally onto something! Yes, absolutely 😊. Up until just a few decades ago, the entire psych field was regarded with much skepticism, and even a collective eyeroll. It was really only when some of the conventional medical practitioners began to become interested in psychiatry as a specialty (right after the pharmaceutical companies developed early-generation meds that had psych effects, incidentally) did the rest of the medical establishment begin to actually take any notice. And I think that basic theme continues today: devote the most time and training to conditions for which there’s an approved drug, and get only the most cursory of info on the rest, and who cares if the info is actually accurate or not?”, seems to be the general attitude. Meanwhile, real people suffer, taking drugs they don’t need, which create problems they don’t want, for conditions they don’t have–while the real issue goes unidentified and unaddressed. 👎🏼💟☮

          Liked by 1 person

    2. I’m in no way qualified but it is my experience it is possible. I have a relative who I’m sure is aspergic. This person is generally kind and good hearted but they do tell lies and often to the detriment of others. I’ve been on the receiving end! There could be a co morbid condition like Laina suggests below. I believe this person learnt to lie as a way of coping in childhood. But it sure hurts to be on the receiving end.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Absolutely ❤️❤️. Agreed 👏🏼. Definitely sounds like a co-existing issue there, most likely induced by a potential external issue? Kind of like Borderline Personality–it doesn’t come with Asperger’s/autism, but it could be brought on by early traumatization or dysfunction that creates the underlying fear of being abandoned that is so common in BPD. Of course, those are just examples 💙. But I definitely see where you’re going. Damn that sucks, and I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been on the receiving end of crap like that 💞💞🌺🌷

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Thank you again for a great post. With the exception of the taste issue, your experiences and mine are a match. Thank you for this blog, thank you for your willingness to self-disclose and doing it so well. I may be a curmudgeon, but by damn, it’s with good reason!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. When I hear/read people saying that children should be forced to eat foods that they have a real problem with, I want to (as the meme goes) give them a high-five in the face with a chair. My brother was called a “picky eater” when he was a child, and Bio-mom would force him to eat foods that made him violently ill. (I’m trying not to be graphic, but the word ‘projectile’ would be in any accurate description.) If he got sick from eating one tomato (and he always did), she made him eat two. When — not if — he got sick from eating those two, she’d make him eat four… and so on. Because Bio-mom was determined to make him stop being a “picky eater.”

    I honestly don’t know how much of my “extreme emotional sensitivity” is due to autism and how much is due to PTSD: it’s often the case that hypervigilance includes paying more attention than normal to others’ emotions, if only to make it easier to avoid/escape anyone who is/will become violently angry. (And sensory overload and hypervigilance are issues for people with fibromyalgia, too… I’m a mess.)

    Fun fact: “procrastinators” are often more efficient and make fewer mistakes than people who rush into a project without thinking about it for a while first.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Omg our thinking styles couldn’t be more similar! 😊. Especially the “high-five – face – chair” meme. One of my favorites of all time 😁

      Ugh that totally sucks about your bio-mom. What a horrible person! I reckon her strategy didn’t work out too well…

      Yeah, it’s hard to tell where Asperger’s/autism intersects with PTSD and other neurodivergence(s), I think. I think they intertwine and blend and certain traits can overlap to the point of becoming almost indistinguishable (?).

      I totally love your Fun Fact! Yes, this echoes my experience as well. Contemplation: the strategy of champions! 💪🏼💓👍🏼

      Liked by 1 person

  8. As an Autistic, underachieving, hypotaster, I can relate to so much of this! I have (earlier in life) resorted to swallowing raisins whole rather than try and deal with the texture. Having a name for it, Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder (ARFID) really helped me understand it all. Thanks for the post!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yeah!! I’m so glad you enjoyed it! You’re totally welcome, dear! 💗💗. I wonder if ARFID is actually “simply” a manifestation of the autism spectrum (??) It would make sense, given all the sensory sensitivity issues that so many of us deal with 💖💖

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I bet a large percentage of people with ARFID have some sort of neurodivergency. To be that sensitive would almost require a sensory processing issue, unless it was caused by some sort of swallowing disorder maybe?

        Liked by 2 people

  9. Really love this piece!! I am sensitive to nearly all sulfur-containing foods (like broccoli, kale, peas, eggs, onions, beans, nuts). In some minds, avoiding these foods might place me in the “picky” category. But there are genetic reasons for my discomfort with sulfur foods, and if I don’t avoid these foods, ammonia will build up in my brain (causing brain fog), my liver will be overburdened and poisoned, and my skin will itch all over. Whatever the cause of the food sensitivity, people who feel sick eating broccoli or eggs (or other irritant foods) should be allowed to listen to what their bodies are telling them and skip over the food without judgment.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Another excellent post, thank you! I’m still caught in the treadmill of “am I allowed to call myself autistic, or I am I actually lazy, underachieving, oversensitive” etc. But that’s old news. I like the bit about procrastinating – I think of myself as a master procrastinator, but the fact is that I never miss a deadline (unless I’ve actually completely forgotten about it). I seem to work best under pressure, and so I tend to leave everything to the last minute, but even at university I never needed extensions for my essays or anything – I just handed them in dead on the deadline!
    The insults with the “only joking” tag are what is known in this country as “banter”. Banter is actually quite a complex cultural phenomenon, and probably quite baffling for people from other cultures not familiar with it. There is an excellent (warning: long!) article explaining all about it here:

    Liked by 1 person

  11. ‘Society is oversensitive alright, but in all the wrong ways’, so much truth in that one statement. Applies to so many aspects of our world and I struggle with all of it. And the truly ‘hypersensitive’ feel the pain the hardest. I always wished that from a very young age (I include myself here), we learned to see ourselves as everyone else sees us. It would be so insightful, the struggles we’d avoid and the people we and society would then become. Like I say, it’s a wish 😉

    Liked by 2 people

  12. Oversensitive. I read it and feel rage. I have been labeled that most of my life. Oh so I actually care? I am affected by pain and other’s suffering? Yet is is an insulting kind of label. People are assholes. I love your summary!

    Liked by 2 people

  13. This was so, so, so well written. You are clear and concise and honest! And I love your sensitivity! I do not have Asperger’s, but I can relate so much to all that you have suffered and are now beginning to realize is not you! I have always been sensitive and unfortunately abusers and psychopaths prey on these qualities. The world is very harsh and cruel. I unconsciously have isolated myself to be protected from its harshness. It is not easy to cope when so much of what the world sees as “normal” are triggers and painful to be around for many of us. We are left to feel as though it is us who are not “normal.”

    Having said all that, I do not want to sound as if I even begin to have a clue of what you have suffered in your life or what it is like to have Asperger’s. You certainly are someone to be admired and make the world a better place. My heart goes out to you. I truly am sorry for all that you have suffered in your life… there are no words! You are inspiring!

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Reblogged this on Cake By the Ocean and commented:
    This is amazing to me, to read an adult’s reflection of themself and their traits. I work with young children who have been diagnosed with autism, but I find it very intriguing to read about adults on the spectrum writing about themselves.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Wonderful post again, Laina. I’m the same way – not so much with oranges (I love oranges, LOL – you should come to California and try these ones! Just kidding – I’m sure you have.) but especially when it comes to cruelty and crowd mentality. Combined together it’s the worst, I used to think I was a killjoy for not wanting anything to do with things like circuses or Sea World (or the equivalent) or having no interest in going to a football match. It can be especially hard when you’re younger and everyone around you seems to be immune to all things that we are sensitive about. That was also pre-internet, so there weren’t many ways to connect with like-minded people, unless you were lucky enough to come across one or two soul sisters/brothers 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  16. Thanks for following!

    I felt weird about telling someone once that receiving the label of my diagnosis (sensory processing disorder) was a major relief … diagnosed about 3 or 4 but learning about it for myself at 27. For me it really helped put things in place, the missing piece of the puzzle. But I like how you make the distinction between medical terminology/diagnoses and labels that come with judgments and evaluations. There IS a difference!

    The purpose of my blog is to look back at my life, the effort, the challenges, the emotions and put them in proper perspective. Retroactively giving myself props 🙂 It’s tough!

    Liked by 2 people

  17. Happened upon your blog and love it. I am an “Aspie” too and it was hidden from me for 20 years so I was forced to figure out how to navigate society. I still have my “moments” but I cherish them – the Aspie symptoms have created miracles in my life and I would not change them for the world. In fact, in my autobiographical memoir called “Shattered to Shining”, I talk about the ways that being an “Aspie” both hurt me (ie: trauma and severe bullying) and launched my career in forensics & as a 30 year trauma therapist (ie: 14 years of college with 4.0 GPA and never studying or buying a text book). Anyway, I look forward to reading more of your thought-provoking content.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi! Thank you so much for reading and commenting! 😊. I would love to read “Shattered To Shining” 🤗. Fun Fact: I, too, love forensics 😁. I love your positive outlook! So many people I’ve seen, mostly on social media, tend toward the negative. I don’t doubt their experiences or begrudge their feelings, but it can get a little fatiguing sometimes, and it’s nice to see someone with a more balanced perspective 👍🏼. My experience is similar to yours, what with the bullying and whatnot, but also being able to excel at one’s profession. Like you, I also view my Asperger’s as both a speed bump *and* a superpower, if you will 😉. Thank you again for your wonderful comment! It was really neat to read! Is your memoir for sale anywhere? If so, please feel free to post the link! If you like, I’m also happy to add it to my Resources page for whatever publicity I can send your way 😊💜

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hi, thanks for replying. I have found many people “on the spectrum” feel that it is a disability instead of focusing on the unique positives it provides. Oh and thank you for asking… the best link for my book is at as I have many forensic books on there too and a great freebie page. Oh, I also have a forensic blog which is @ as well so thanks again! Keep on writing “A-sister” 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Oh wow, cool! Thank you so much for your links; I will definitely post them 😁. I’m considering writing another “news/updates”-themed post, and if I do, I’ll mention your book and link to it 😁

          I’ll also go access your forensics blog and follow! 😁💜

          Yes, personally I *like* being an Aspie! 😁👍🏼. I like the unique advantages it has brought to my life. I like the “no-BS-ness” and the “special interest” tendencies. Some days, I feel more disabled, especially if I encounter stress or find myself under scrutiny of neurotypical people or something, but that’s only half the story; there’s a superpower part in there, too! 😊

          Thank you again as well, A-sister 🌷🌺💗


    Completely agree.

    Liked by 2 people

  19. I love this. especially the stuff about being a “picky eater” – it’s one of the few things in life that gets me really, really annoyed because people seem to love to think I’m snooty and believe I’m above certain foods and whatnot. like, no! I literally *can’t* eat certain tastes and textures because of autism and an eating disorder! it’s a thing and it sucks and affects me pretty negatively, not an active choice I make!!

    Liked by 1 person



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