anxiety and relationship

Postby saviorevans » Wed May 24, 2017 12:36 pm

Hi all,
I have been in a LDR (started) online since october.
I had never had a relationship before (i never trusted anyone really/ive always felt scared) but with him i manageed to open and be flirty.
All was well until we reached the butterfly phase (which i had experienced before with other people) and started heading for something more serious. Since then i've regularly had doubts about our relationship and whether or not i was really in love, because I am kinda numb to emotions and I don't even really understadn the concept of being in love/i don't know what i am supposed to feel.
i kept pushing these thoughts aside until he came to visit, we had the best week ever ad we decided to close the distance and get married.
Anxiety forced itself on me and took control of my life almost a week ago, and i almost broke up with me because i was in so much mental and physical pain. He's the best guy ever and I know we can be happy, he's so patient and he's supporting me so much right now despite obviously being hurt. Im glad I was honest and open to him and im seeking therapy, but im scared im gonna realise i don't love him or something.

many people keep tellng me that love is the will to compromise and commit like you'd never do with someone else, and also a bit of attraction. I have all those things with him and he's just the sweetest, most funny and perfect man i've ever met.
Why can't i be normal/happy? what should I do? is this anxiety or a red flag?
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Postby hart123 » Wed May 24, 2017 1:31 pm

How long have you been with your man? Perhaps it is anxiety if this all quite new to you
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Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed May 24, 2017 1:51 pm

saviorevans wrote:Why can't i be normal/happy? what should I do? is this anxiety or a red flag?

Your anxiety is understandable, because red flags are everywhere.

For 40,000+ years human beings lived in small groups. You grew up having only a few potential husbands. You knew them longer than 8 months, because they were your neighbor. You had known them your entire life. You knew their family, you knew their brothers, their sisters, aunts and uncles. The process of growing up in a small community, developing real, deep, face to face relationships greatly helped to reduce anxiety. It eliminated the angst of making a bad decision as you had tons of support.

Over the last 40 years human beings have started digital relationships. They have access to thousands of superficial, virtual profiles from which to choose and they call it a LDR. They don't have deep knowledge of the other person. The desire, the wanting of a connection is still there, but the virtual relationship is a fraud. It doesn't deliver the deep knowledge and comfort and for good reason. You don't actually know this person past one week of being face to face and a few months of emails and video chats. You don't have deep support, as only you and none of your family have any knowledge of who this person really is.

The Internet for all its wonders and positive aspects, the damage it has done to social skills is horrendous. It causes anxiety as people don't use the tool in a healthy way.

You are normal. You are doing what millions of others are doing and millions of others are suffering the same anxiety, the same doubts as red flags go off everywhere while trying to navigate a less than natural process of an LDR.

You need to eliminate the red flags, which will help reduce your anxiety. This means you don't agree to marriage after one week of face to face. Marriage, moving, all the things that might come out of a superficial, LDR relationship need to be negotiated and this is not easy.

During this week did he meet your family?
What is the opinion of your friends and family?
Have you met his family and friends?
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