Monday, 2 July 2012

Sex Tips for the Straight Man from a Gay Woman

Straight male friend: Hey, I read your tips for baby-proofing your marriage post. Good stuff. I showed it to my wife but apparently we focused on different parts.
Me: What do you mean?
SMF: She started complaining that I don't vocalize my appreciation of her enough. I wanted her to read that we should have more sex.
Me: Right. Men are from Mars and women are from Venus I guess.
SMF: You should write a follow-up post that actually tells us how to have more sex.
Me: Like a demo of putting a condom on a banana?  It's been a long time since I've seen a condom. I might forget how they work.
SMF: It's probably like riding a bike.
Me: You're probably right. There was a book that was popular a decade ago called Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man (or something like that). I read it. It was interesting. That's where I first learned about minding the step children. Maybe I should write Sex Tips for Straight Men from a Gay Woman.
SMF: See, that's what I need. What would be in this book? And also, why are you talking about sex and step-children?
Me: It's a metaphor for balls.
SMF: Oh, ya, you shouldn't forget those.
Me: I can't. No matter how hard I try.
SMF: So back to your book. What magical advice would you give?
Me: Well there actually is a secret formula for getting into the pants of a woman who has kids. I was going to say a mother's pants there but that sounded weird.
SMF: Please don't make me think of my mother and sex. A secret formula? Does this have to do with erogenous zones? Can you draw me a map?
Me: How about a step-by-step instruction manual?
SMF: Seriously? That would be awesome.
Me: OK, get out your paper and pencil.
SMF: I'll just screenshot this convo when you are done.
Me: Fine. Step one: Come home from work, kiss your wife, and then head downstairs and put a load of laundry in.
SMF: Laundry is sexy?
Me: Yep, totally hot. Step two: suggest that she take a long bath with a glass of red wine while you clean up the dinner dishes and get the kids ready for bed.
SMF: You know those weird pageant kids on TLC who drink Redbull and suck back swizzle sticks for energy and then spin around in an insane tornado of adrenaline and sugar? That's basically what my children are like at bed time. You want me to do that by myself?
Me: It's either that or continue doing that other thing by yourself.
SMF: Go on.
Me: That's it.
SMF: Laundry, dishes, and bedtime routine? That's what's going to turn my wife on?
Me: You forgot the wine.
SMF: So booze and chores? That's your big lesbian secret?
Me: She's tired. You have four children.  She can't think about sex when she is too busy making a mental list of chores she doesn't have time to do and wondering when her last shower was.
SMF: I thought you were going to tell me some super cool lesbian maneuver. Or to take my socks off.
Me: For the love of... take your damn socks off.
SMF: Well this sounds like a lot of work for a little action. But I'll give it a try.
Me: Good luck.

Two days later:
SMF: Thank-you
Me: You're welcome.

You're welcome.

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