Tuesday, March 8, 2005

Quick Recipe for Mental Disaster

Here is Ryan's quick recipe to mental exhaustion and negative self-evaluation.

I get frustrated quite easily. In my mind, a mild problem can turn into what seems like a hopeless situation in no time. This is not good. I tend to jump from one project to another, apparently seeking out some sort of dork endorphin rush - but if I don't get that rush within this unconscious threshold I fold and move on to the next endeavor in the seemingly endless sea of geekdom. A lot of times rather than simply moving on, I feel the need to throw a little conniption - you know, because "the man" has done me wrong by not giving me my quick dose of happy.

I am like a hedonist, concerning myself only with short-term bursts of accomplishment. Steven Covey would say that I lack a "personal mission statement". By not having this ability to start with the end in mind, I end up building my pride on an erratic foundation of questionable endevors. Needless to day, the vicissitudes can hit hard.

This has become a knee-jerk reaction over time, but as I get older I'm beginning to feel some solid shame surrounding my immaturity. The treatment is not to focus on "not getting frustrated" or to "control my anger", rather I need to figure out what is truly important. If I want to continue seeking quick, cheap thrills I need to evaluate myself with that goal in mind. How do I compare to the typical amphetamine abuser? Hmm, maybe that's not the goal I should have in mind.

Although my actions show a tendency toward short-lived excitement, I tend to evaluate myself against those with a completely different focus. In pool, skateboarding, school, on the job - in everything - I have always felt that somehow it just wasn't fair. I see people that skate less than I do... but they are so much better than I am. I get jealous of the seemingly photographic memory of others and curse my feeble mind when I can't remember people's names 2 minutes after I meet them.

Perhaps I need a new outlook - a better way of evaluating my life. The hypocritical way in which I dare compare myself to the targets of my envy is inconsistent with my beliefs.


  1. I have one main goal in life: Be Happy. It sounds simple, but it can help you make almost any decision.

    If I stay in school for 3 years will I be happy when I become a D&D Master? Yes

    If I stay up late and drink a ton and feel like $hit will I be happy? Yes, at first, ultimatley No...thus pass up the last drink even if at the time I think it'll make me EVEN happier.

    Granted this philosophy has it's pitfalls since one has to think about long term vs. short term happiness. And sometimes I lose site of long term and go striaght for short term despite the obvious consequences. So I do my best to try and go for ultimate long term with the thought that the short term will come along with it.

    But happiness does take some effort, I'm not necessarily going to find it sitting on the couch (ok sometimes :)). So my advice is to evaulate yourself based on how you feel, and not how you are compared to other people. Play pool to win, but also play it to have a good time - that way if you lose you still come out on top.

    Then again I hate to lose at anything.

  2. according to my anger book, yes, you shouldn't be trying to control it but instead try to figure out why you're angry. anger is an indication that you need to evaluate the situation, because something clearly isn't sitting right with you. while you probably do have some idea of why you're getting angry when things don't work out as you want them to, i think some more analysis could probably be in order, some of which you've touched on here, but maybe more deeply into the "why" and "what am i hoping to get out this?" if you're not happy with the frustration and anger, then look to find ways to change the pattern - the whole "circle of anger" i was telling you about, when it's up to you to change the anger pattern that's ineffective or that you're not happy with, even though it will be difficult and you'll meet with resistance at first (both from yourself, probably, and others - the whole "change back!" response to preserve the status quo).

  3. Happiness does encompas many aspects of one's life, but how does happiness occur. My fault lies not in a failure to seek out happiness, rather my issue is on a lower level. What is happiness outside of evaluation? Is a simple endorphin rush or firing of a few oft-unused synapses in the brain true happiness? My point is that I have a foundational set of beliefs upon which I can build this "personal mission statement". I believe in reason and rationality. I believe in truth. I believe in respect for life. This foundation gives me tools of evaluation. I can begin to, as Crispy would say, determine what is to be a sinner or a saint. Defrauding, stealing, killing, and blatant disregard of reason would be considered "sins". Envy is one of the deadly sins, and I've found that my envy is rooted in my rejection of reason. Since I don't see how happiness can be separated from evaluation, my "sin" is in irrational comparison used to determine happiness. By that same method, I can reject the "based on how you feel" method. People in this world feel that it's ok to kill others, feel that it's ok to lie, steal, and cheat. If feeling were my basis of evaluating sin or saint, murderers, bureaucrats, and pickpockets would be just as virtuous as anyone else... their feelings should be respected above all else right? With the pool example, yes, I can be happier if I change my method of evaluation. Maybe the goal is to relax, or maybe it's to just learn a new shot. Maybe the goal is just to get out of the house. I don't know what playing to have a good time means, but I can certainly set the bar a little lower with easily reachable goals. If I have more than one goal, as you say in "Play pool to win, but also play it to have a good time" I would need to evaluate myself on both counts. Well, I lost, but my only other goal was to have a good time, did I have a good time, well, not if my goal was to win. If there were another goal that determined where the good time came from I may have a chance of a positive evaluation.

  4. You can play me at pool and win, would that make you feel better? :)

    It's not that I would let you win, I just suck. I am in the same boat, I try to start projects with expectations of instant gratification. Hoping this great new idea works out the way I expect it to. Then, if it doesn't just take off the way I expect it to, I get annoyed and just blow it off. Then instead of understanding what I did wrong, I just blame it on myself for not having the expertise to do it right. Even though if you look in the right places you don't need the knowledge up front, you can learn it as you go along. But since I do not take the time to do this, the whole idea of just being lazy comes around and then I start feeling like a failure. Then I file away that idea on my computer and any notes I created in a folder in my file cabinet. Maybe someday I can unrealistically win a couple million and hire the people to create this business for me.

    By the way, I am feeling like a failure right now because I have given up looking for a new job. I am just looking once or twice a week and expecting people to call me with a job. Will I take the first thing that comes along in the price range I want? Yes, because I need the money.

    Uhg, sorry, maybe I should be posting all this extra crap on my own site lol. In any case Ryan, you arn't the only one feeling the way you feel. However, I always think I am the only one. Maybe there are lots of other people feeling the same way, maybe its just a coincidence that we are both thinking the same way. Who knows. Sorry I can't offer advice, I can't fix my own issues :)

  5. Scott, I'm not sure if you see my point. I need to get away from simply seeking "quick fix" positive self-evaluation. Winning at pool, especially against someone who doesn't have any pool expertise would not give me (and should not give me) any satisfaction.

    I'm sure you've heard the phrase "work smarter, not harder". Middle management loves this because it sounds magical and it can enforce their one-up position by telling their employees that the could be smarter. There is some validity to this buzz-term however. Use rationality to evaluate your current situation. What are your true goals? If money were your only goal, reason would have you bear down and find a job. Perhaps ego-protection is a factor. In other words is your goal "to obtain a job that satisfies both your long term and short term employment needs, pays a good salary, has nice benefits, isn't far from home, is filled with single women looking for some Scott action, all while mitigating ego-crushing rejections". My point is that you should look at your actions and find your true goal, act in accordance with that goal, and evaluate your progress by those standards. This is also what I need to do.

  6. I agree with that idea of choose what you really want to do and what would really make you happy (which is what I would prefer) and focus on it and work on obtaining that goal. Maybe while working a lesser job in the mean time.

    Sounds like you are talking you need better long term satisfaction versus short term.

    PS: the pool comment was a joke. It would not be fun to beat someone you know has no experience at the same game. :)