Wednesday, March 20, 2019

Widow Wednesday--What now?

When Ray was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer I knew he didn't have a lot of time and I didn't know what I would do after his death. Do I return to work? Do I move? How would I survive as an only parent? What would my future look like?

When he died I realized I just needed time. Time for it all to sink it. I felt like I was drifting through for the 8 months he was sick. There is no timeline in a cancer death. You never know when it will be. You try to prepare but how do you know what life will be like?

I had a just turned 2 & 3 year old that didn't really understand what was going on except Daddy was in heaven. They were super attached to me and had been shuffled around for 8 months. I had so much guilt over not being with them at a crucial time of development. They needed stability and to feel safe. After being a counselor that was one of the biggest factors I had felt were of importance in a child's upbringing. I just wanted to go back to being their mom full-time and doing the things I had planned to do with them.

Part of stability and feeling safe I felt, was keeping them in the home they were used to. I didn't think it was the right time to pick up and move. We had only just begun making this home ours when he was diagnosed. We were having it painted when he was in the hospital, the basement bathroom still had the tools in it from where he left off working.

I had weirdly always felt like the girls were "just mine." Maybe some premonition of what was to come? I don't know why because he was such a hands-on father and spent a lot of time with them. I did feel like I needed to navigate the world without him here though and learn how to do things on my own.

I had so many decisions and things that needed to be dealt with that working seemed to not be the right answer at that time. I had cars to deal with, finances, paperwork, etc. You never realize how much needs to be done or should be prepared for until someone does die.

I remember our first outing after he died was to the Armada Fair, with my Dad. It felt so strange to be going out and doing something fun when we just buried my husband...was it ok? Should I be out and having fun?

Summer had open house for 3 year old preschool 2 weeks after he died. I remember going to the school and showing her around and the room filled with all these parents, mom and dads. I remember thinking this isn't how it is supposed to be! He should be here...he would be so proud and excited for her. I remember thinking that I needed to tell the teacher about our situation. I stopped her in the room and introduced Summer and I and preceded to tell her that my husband had died 2 weeks before of cancer, and the tears started to flow and I kept apologizing. I had never cried to anyone when talking about it and why here? Why now? In the middle of all these people that don't know my story, I was so embarrassed. I remember her trying to comfort me and telling me she would be in good hands.

Navigating this new world wasn't easy and I never knew how I would react in different situations, my emotions were all over the place.

1 comment:

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