Wednesday, May 2, 2018


Yesterday we celebrated the best year of our lives, which is funny -- because it was the hardest year of MY life in particular.  But, looking back on it all now, it was HANDS DOWN -- the best year ever. 

My transition to Motherhood was pretty rough... 

I loved Emily when she was born, of course I did. She was this tiny, perfect little girl, who I spent nine months dreaming about, and looked just like me. And instinctively, I knew to take care of her, and felt that "bond" in a sense that I'd hear her before anyone else could, and I'd often wake up at the same time as her, like a weird seventh sense. But I wasn't sure if I LIKED her at first.

She was, and still is a little pistol. And she sort of pissed me off, lol. She'd cry, and fight me, and I was like..."WTF, I'm your MOM. You're supposed to want me and I'm supposed to be able to make everything better and this isn't what it's supposed to be like." I loved her, but I didn't initially feel IN love with her, and I felt like a monster for it.

But, I just don't think I knew her then. And she really didn't know me. It's like being thrown into a room with someone that you've never met and being told, "ok, love each other forever now, byye." I remember one night, she cried, for like, FOUR HOURS and it felt like she was just taking all of her anger about life, and being born, out on me. And I felt hurt by her, in a way...and I know that's completely crazy and not true -- she was a helpless, confused little newborn (with a very strong personality). But in that moment, it felt like she was pissed back at me.

I felt really "bad" at being a Mom, and wondered if I had made a mistake. It was heartbreaking, in so many ways. For the dreams I had of being this great Mom -- because I was SO SURE it's who I was meant to be. And for this perfect, little (angry) baby girl -- who I felt like I couldn't make happy.

I always imagined the baby + Mother relationship being natural, and effortless. Like the transition from being one -- to being seperate, but still ONE. IF that makes sense? Like those Mom's who wear their babies all tight against them in slings and the baby's perfectly content and happy and safe. And that was SO not us. If I put Emily in a sling, she would have punched me in the face, lol.

....just kidding, we did ergo a lot -- but not until later on.

Because eventually, we got to know eachother. And learned to like eachother. And I can't speak for her -- but I'm pretty sure she loves the shit out of me now too. I loved her when she was born, but now I love that girl more than the freaking WORLD. She's the best. I know every Mom says that, but she's THE BEST. She's still mean, and doesn't like affection. (CLEARLY.) But she's smart, and funny, and has this strong personality that I can't wait to see her grow into. Our relationship was rocky at first, but 12 months later, I freaking KNOW that girl and when she's mad, I'm like -- "okay, Em. I see you're mad, let's work it out." I know everything about her, and we're as close as can be. We basically live like ONE person now -- effortlessly, just like I imagined.

Except,  different. It's me pushing her around Target, while she stands up backwards, because she won't sit, so I have to hold onto her and push the cart with my forearms. It's taking two forks to the table, because I know she'll take mine, every single time. It's wrestling her into her pajamas every night, while she screams and then once it's over, I chase her around on our bed because I know that's her favorite part. It's letting her tell me when she's ready for bed, and not freaking out even if it takes two hours. It's her saying everyones names -- except for mine, but knowing what every single sound she makes means, including when she's asking for, or needs me.

It's me, not expecting her to hug me back, and her knowing I'm going to anyway.

I got to know her, she got to know me, and I had to change -- a lot. She's the exact same little person who was mad to be born, that was mad to go to bed last night. But she's learning, I'm learning + we're doing it together. Just like we will always have to two totally different people, lol.

Thank you for rocking my world babygirl. In the hardest, most incredible way possible. Nothing's ever challenged me to change the way that you have, and nothing has ever brought me so much joy. I have you to thank for so much. And I love you, more than words could ever explain. Thank you for the best year of my life, little one. 


1 comment:

  1. Omg WAIT UNTIL SHE'S 2! If you think one is good, just wait. Two is like, an indescribable amount of love more than 1, which doesn't even feel possible but so is. And I think every year I will love this kid more, because who even knew how much my love could grow in this last year. Especially when you don't really like newborns, then you're the mom who is made to love 2 year olds. I think moms fall into 2 groups: newborn lovers and toddler lovers. And toddlers are the shit. You'll be amazed at the words she learns to say. And then she'll say a sentence and it'll blow your socks off and you'll be like, "you just said SEVEN words and they all made sense and told me something!" Or she'll say "Getting hungry" and you'll be so happy she TOLD YOU SHE'S HUNGRY! But you know I am SO with you on that first year. Especially wondering if you made a mistake. That's so me. It's so hard. And then it gets so good and just keeps on getting better.


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