Getting Permission From Your Wife to Go Spearfishing

How to tell your significant other that you are going spearfishing:

Although it is nearly impossible to know everything there is to know about spearfishing, it is definitely impossible to know exactly how to tell your wife or girlfriend that you are going spearfishing. With the benefit of multiple surveys and years of collective data on this subject, we have determined that we can only provide to you the conditions whereby you should NOT suggest to your wife or girlfriend that you are going spearfishing. So, here goes:

Do not attempt tell your wife, girlfriend or significant other that you are going spearfishing if any one or more of the following conditions are present:

  1. You are coming home late from work.
  2. You did not call and tell her that you would be late.
  3. She cooked a big meal.
  4. Your in laws were there, ate and left without you being there.
  5. All your spearfishing gear is tossed out in the street, with the exception of your floatline which is tied into a noose and hanging from the strongest tree branch in your impeccably manicured yard.
  6. Wife standing in the doorway with your .40 cal tucked securely in her waist and your dive knife is strapped to her forearm.
  7. The .40 cal is loaded
  8. The .40 cal is cocked.
  9. Smoke is pouring out of her ears.
  10. Her eyes are blood red and some of that smoke that you thought was pouring out of her ears is actually coming out of her eyes too.
  11. Upon further examination, some of that smoke is also coming out of her nose.
  12. She makes deliberate and frequent glances to her watch as you walk up to the house.
  13. Just like the 4th of July, all your neighbors, friends, co-workers, a couple of people you don’t even like, as well as a film crew from “Scariest moments caught on tape”, are in your neighbors yard, sitting on blankets and folding chairs, while eating popcorn and drinking beverages from several heavily stocked coolers, all in anticipation of the fireworks which are about to unfold as a result of your delayed but much anticipated arrival.