IRON CHEF USA: SHOWDOWN IN LAS VEGAS: Cooking show. Premieres at 9 tonight on UPN Channel 44, cable channel 12 on most systems.

"What? It's the sperm? We eat that?"

"Yes, it's like the love juices of the sea urchin."

That's roe, American style. Someone rush a "M.A.S.H." unit to Julia Child's house, stat.

Fans of the original, Japanese-language cult cooking show "Iron Chef," you have been dealt yet another blow. First there was the taking away of the series, then there was the Food Network version that added hideous dubbing, and now this: the one-two punch of William Shatner's making the cheese even stinkier and UPN -- network of teenage boys who love drive-through fast food --dumbing down the fine art of cooking for people who like Funyuns and Spam.

If the Japanese government can break tradition and be compelled to send military help to the united forces in Afghanistan, surely someone can pressure its cultural ministry to give us an unedited broadcast of the original "Iron Chef."

These are bleak times. "Iron Chef USA: Showdown in Las Vegas" is the first of two specials on UPN. If they are successful, perhaps it will become a series. Not to worry about that. First, the UPN crowd is not exactly a posse of foodies. And second, you have to have at least some working knowledge of "Iron Chef" to even understand that Shatner is pushing his self-caricature to the far edge as some kind of appreciation for Kaga Takeshi, the original Japanese "chairman."

In fact, if you know absolutely nothing about "Iron Chef," the UPN specials will make even less sense than its regular programming. Here's a very brief primer on the original concept: An eccentric chairman lives in a castle with a cooking stadium, and he has four iron chefs who will do battle with any chef on the planet. When said chef arrives, he chooses an iron chef to start a cook-off. A panel of four celebrity judges tastes the meals and picks a winner (it's very, very hard to beat an iron chef).

In "Iron Chef USA," Shatner is so far over the top, he's left the stratosphere. "Turn up the heat!" he yells. "Totally rad!" he says later. We like him ridiculous, but this is, well, ridiculous squared. Dressed in a glittering purple coat and frilly vest, Shatner takes his self-parody on a painful walk down the hall and knocks on the door of pathetic sadness. When the door opens, there's a paycheck.

Apparently he can live with himself.

"Iron Chef USA" can't even be called a distant cousin to the original. The "celebrity guests" here are -- hold your nose -- Bruce Vilanch, "humorist" to the stars; Brande Roderick, reigning Playmate of the Year and "Baywatch Hawaii" star; Mark Famiglietti, who apparently was on a short-lived series called "Young Americans"; and Elise Neal of UPN's "The Hughleys." That's C- list if we're being generous.

Only Vilanch seems knowledgeable about food, and says -- his words -- "A dish like this makes me glad I'm such a fat pig."

You see where the show is heading. Plus, there are two announcers and a roving reporter, all in unseemly gold blazers, who add nothing to the show other than the kind of lame analysis that dissected the roe. Foodies here will be particularly upset that no one seems much interested in the ingredients.

"It's a sauteed Ho-Ho." "He's got a flour thing going." "It looks like he enjoys cooking with booze."

Yep. Pretty bad. And the expectations of Bay Area food lovers get collectively lowered. But you're not surprised by that, are you, given the participants?

But still, it's a waste. The actual chefs are name-brand. "Iron Chef American" is hunky, popular Todd English (he's in the first battle) of Olives and Figs restaurant fame; "Iron Chef Italian" is Alessandro Stratta of Renoir restaurant at the Mirage in Las Vegas; "Iron Chef French" is Jean Francois Meteigner, former executive chef at L'Orangerie in Los Angeles and current owner of La Cachette, also in L.A.; "Iron Chef Asian" is Roy Yamaguchi of Roy's.

The first challenger is Kerry Simon, the "rock 'n' roll" chef of Prime at the Bellagio Hotel. Next up is Marcus Samuelsson of Aquavit, one of the most honored chefs anywhere.

All that pedigree wasted amid cheapness, tackiness, an apparent lack of interest in anything culinary from the "Iron Chef USA" stars and, well, the wrong target audience on the wrong channel.

Skip the show. Go out to dinner.