Archive | November 22, 2019


What is happiness? To be what we dream to be? To have what we dream to have? Remember there is a saying “Be careful what you wish for”. For the past seven years I’ve dreamed of being a woman in my physical body, so to be able to live as a woman, and even have sex as a woman. If I could transition to become that woman I wish I could be…will I be happy? Not necessarily.

Let me explain.

Let’s start by considering what is to be a woman. Is it to have a vagina and the general look of a female? Not really. Being a woman is more a feeling than a physical characteristic.

It is said we are eternal souls living physical life in a temporary physical body. If I have inner feelings as a woman I should consider my female feelings are related to my soul and not to my body, which would explain how come there are transsexual people all over the planet and all throughout human history. Who we are inside should be related to our soul or spirit and not to our bodies. I know, I have inner feelings as a woman and yet I have a male body…and there are so many in my same situation!

From this, what would make me feel as a woman? My body? Or my inner feelings? Then, in order to be a woman, should I change my body? Or go inward and nurture my inner feelings instead? If I am rich, should I dress expensive clothes? And if I am poor, should I dress cheap clothes? Let’s face it, one of the reasons a rich man would dress expensive clothes is to be acknowledge as a rich man by others, but if he dress cheap clothes that would not take away he is still rich. In the same way, one of the reasons to transform my body from male to female would be so people around would acknowledge me as a woman, but that would happen only because of the prejudices of people who still classify others by their genitals.

If we take a straight man and give him sex change surgery, people around may consider him a woman, but in his inner feelings he still will be a man and will desire sex with women. – Angela Dupre (LOL)

So you see, one of the reasons I could have to transition and become physically a woman would be so people around would accept me as a woman and so I would have the possibility to have sex with men, with them seeing me and treating me as a woman. It is a society situation. The physical body I have will have no influence in what gender I feel I am. If to have female feelings I will have to have a female body, then why I do have female feelings with a male body? The only reason to have a female body would be to be accepted as a woman in a discriminatory society, and to have sex with men that otherwise would not have sex with me. People classify others by their genitals and not by their feelings!

If I was in my 30’s and single, and not a father, I would be planning my sex change surgery and working towards making it happen as soon as possible, but being 57 the physical changes are very difficult, and I am already married and a father, which implies I have to consider their feelings too.

Does it means I am giving up on my dream? Not really. I wish I could have a female body, but if the cost of still pursuing that dream will be hurting my loved ones then, is it worth? I believe it is not.

Now, let me clarify, I am not a saint…I am just a woman in love! Even though with my wife we don’t have sex for the past 20 years and we sleep in different rooms, I still love the human being she is and don’t want to hurt her; and I love my child too. So should I pursue my dream at the expense of their happiness? Or should I remain as a man, a husband and a father to protect their happiness and just nurture my inner female feelings while living as a man? I choose the later. And if so, will this makes me unhappy and miserable for the rest of my life? No, it will not. I am a woman inside and I enjoy life with the perception of my surroundings as the woman I am, while in the outside I live as a man. I am fine with it.

I discovered I am a woman inside when I was 50 years old. Since then, and for five years I experimented with partially living as a woman, dressing as one, and even having sex with men. The cost in my health of that secret life was huge, as I mention in previous posts. But I did have the opportunity to experience briefly and half way what is to be a woman in physical life, so I will not have the regret of never trying. I did try! I had great moments and terrible moments, I laughed and I cried, I had a glimpse of a female body and now I have a male body. I did try, and I am happy for that!

So now, unless something extreme happens in the future, I can continue the rest of my life living as a man, while enjoying being a woman inside, and that will be fine. I don’t need to transition by force in order to be happy. Having a female body would be great, but it is not what will give me happiness. Like a rich man can be happy living a spartan life, or a poor man can enjoy all the wonderful free things life offers to everyone.

There is some frustration, yes, but not as to be down. I would call it being realistic. I’ve seen trans women who started transition in their 60’s and they look more like cheap travesties than women; nature and time have a continuous line and to turn into a woman I’m simply too late. My ex used to tell me I looked like a woman and I could hear the laughter around me when going out, so I’m not going into anybody’s agenda anymore. I’m being realistic in relation to my age and medical condition. I will not quit fighting the syndrome, but in the meantime it does affect any possibility of physical change for me.

It is a matter of priorities. It might seem I quit trying to transition and become a woman, but in reality I’m just giving priority to what needs to be done first. I need to get rid of Fibromyalgia, recover my health and my income; only then I will have a body capable of withstanding surgeries and a pocket that will allow me to live apart from family in my own new life as a woman. It is not quitting…it is prioritizing.

But then, when the time comes to transition, after having accomplished the elements I need to complete first, is it a plan to then go into transition? Not necessarily. By then I may be well in my 60’s, which will make very difficult any kind of surgery without nasty consequences. Also, there is the family situation and their feelings. And finally there is also the reason why! Why turn my male body into a female body when being over 60? As I mentioned before, being a woman is a feeling and not a physical body, so I’ve always been, I am, and will always be a woman, independently of what body I have.

The only reason to have a female-like body would be so people around can acknowledge me as a woman and not a man, and maybe to have sex with men, but will that be important when being over 60? If I was in my 30’s there would be no doubt about transitioning since I still would have time to do a life as a woman, but being over 60 I would be entering the last quarter of my body’s lifespan, so most probably I will not be searching for a husband, and maybe not even searching for sex, so what difference does it make to have a female or a male body? I will be a woman in my feelings anyway! So transitioning in the future is a possibility, but not a plan.

Besides, if someone around me who knows I am a woman inside doesn’t see the woman in me is because they have so ingrained in them that people is classified by their genitals; it is their own discrimination at work. That’s why I say it is a society problem, not mine. I don’t have to go through all the problems and dangers to transition just so they can say, “oh yeah, now I can see you are a woman“.

That’s why I’ve said most probably I will live the rest of my life as a man in the outside, unless something incredible happen. The future will tell me what to do according to the particular circumstances at that moment, but for now it is about recovering while postponing transition. And that doesn’t mean I feel as if I lost the battle and I’m quitting the fight; I am still happy being a woman inside, and I can still enjoy the rest of my life as one, even if in the outside I have the look and the life of a man.