Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Fantasy School

I'm reading a book about Jerusalem at the moment, because all the baking in a onesie and watching documentaries about Chinese artefacts on iPlayer just weren't making me cool enough. It's a really interesting biography of the city of Jerusalem, very much focusing on the fate of the city rather than looking at it solely from one religion's perspective. At the moment though, I'm covering the time period concerned with Herod and Jesus and the birth of Christianity via Paul etc.

It's a really fascinating read; learning what's been supported through archaeological evidence and looking at the Bible through the corroborations available from Roman historians and other documents. What I've been realising though, as I read, is how betrayed I feel by my schooling that it's mostly all new to me.

I went to a C of E Primary School where Christianity and the Bible were taught to me as facts. I remained a practising Christian until I was 18 when I realised that, whilst I have no problem with the basic idea of loving everybody, I don't believe in a God and I don't agree with organised religion. I'm kind of angry and disappointed in the education system that I was literally just taught popular lies and it is deemed ok by a progressive, forward thinking country.

Isn't that weird?

Just for clarity, I'm not talking here about whether the miracles etc happened or whether God is real or not. I'm talking about facts from the stories that it's been possible to discern whether or not they happened. For example, Mary and Joseph did not travel to Bethlehem for a census because there wasn't one around that time. Herod did not kill the first born of every family; there's no evidence at all to support that. Jesus had brothers and sisters.

I don't think it's right that you can teach religion as fact to children of such a suggestive age. There is no place for it in modern society. If you want to teach religion, you need to teach it with the facts as they are and then have faith in your God that that is enough to convince the next generation. Or, you do it somewhere that isn't a school, where children aren't told to trust and believe their teachers without question. I don't believe you can pick and choose the bits you want to teach to support your cause. That's not an education; it's brainwashing.

I realise it's not the worst thing that's ever happened in a school, and it's not done me much long term harm, but I find it frustrating and baffling that we still go along with these archaic lies so as not to offend. I'm no millitant atheist; I have every respect for the love religion can bring into the world, it's the practise of concealing religious doctrine in supposedly factual education that seems immoral to me.

Like teaching someone in science that jelly babies are full of iron because you happen to like jelly babies and want your class to like them too. So you tell them about a scientist who did exist, in the past, who studied nutrition and published papers, you prove to your class that this person existed, and then you claim they discovered jelly babies are full of iron and you show your class no proof for this but ask that they believe you because you showed them the other stuff. It doesn't make any sense.

Monday, January 13, 2014

Oh, Amy Adams

My boyfriend is a big fan of making playlists, and his latest project was for a friend with whom he shares a big passion for films. My boyfriend, let's call him Alan so that he has some identity other than as my partner (note that, it may be important for later), put together a playlist of 100 songs, one for each of what he considered to be the 100 greatest modern movie stars. Now, his list of movie stars was purely his own choosing and he rated them on a combination of acting ability and star power.

When I first came to the list it was because he asked me who I considered to be the greatest modern movie star. I said Leonardo DiCaprio in case you're interested. Alan then complained that he was struggling with women on his list. He only had about 12 so far and the highest rated was at about 19 and was Kate Winslet. I was surprised, Alan is very pro women (for example he frequently cuddles me and supports me in stuff) and I tried to help him out on that front. First I pointed out that if Kate Winslet was the world's leading female movie star then we should stop racking our brains as to why I only had 2 castings last year: the world of actresses is dead in the water. We shuffled things around a bit and pushed Angelina Jolie up the list (despite my protestations he refused to have Sandra Bullock as the highest female. He was and remains wrong). In the end the list had about 20 women on it and we felt like that was, sadly, quite a good reflection given the calibre of stars we were reviewing.

Last night I went to the cinema with Alan to see American Hustle and was tucking into the pop corn, eagerly anticipating the trailers when I thought I would try a little experiment. I thought I'd have a look at the names credited as starring in films and compare the number of men to women.

By the middle of the third trailer I had seen John Goodman credited as many times as the female gender. The first 3 films we saw trailers for had 1 woman in each of them, none of them leads. 1 woman per film. Roughly a 1:4 ratio of women to men. Thankfully I was rescued by August: Osage County on the fourth trailer and I remembered that women can do things.

I watched American Hustle and I really enjoyed the film, although, with my mind now preoccupied with the role of women in cinema, I couldn't help but notice that the three significant women in the film were all there as a romantic/sexual connection to the male characters. The only one who wasn't (to my memory, I may have missed someone and will delete all of my internet should I dare to be wrong) was a lady singled out as easily manipulated as she's lonely and has a lot of cats. Groundbreaking. Now, I'm not going to slate American Hustle because it was what it was. In it's defence it was set in 1978 and Amy Adams' character at least worked and was shown on screen to be good at something other than supporting/destroying a man.

I got home and had a look at Alan's list of actresses and I just think some of them are mind blowingly good. I thought Jennifer Lawrence's performance in AH rivalled her Silver Lining's turn and Amy Adams was stunning. My favourite scene in the film was the one where they first meet. They were so, so good. I wonder how good they could be if there were more films where there was more than one woman per film?

I have surmised the problem must be in 1 of 2 places. Either:
a) The producers won't make films with too many women because they don't think they're commercially viable enough.
b) There are insufficient scripts about leading women to be made into films.

I can't do much about a) at the moment other than to continually mail copies of Calendar Girls and The Help to people I think might make films and hope they realise these were not flukes. But, I thought b) just needs a few helpful lists and I am very good at making lists so maybe I could help out the movie industry by making a few lists. My first list is a list of jobs that could make a good film in the future, that women can now do and so could star a woman:

1) Postman (debated typing postperson but it felt nitpicky.)
2) Dentist
3) Land mine disposal expert
4) Doctor
5) Hairdresser
6) A janitor who is surprisingly excellent at maths
7) Prime Minister
8) President
9) Alien scientist (there's probably a better name for that)
10) Someone who failed academically and now removes gum from pavements
11) Someone who achieved well academically and now removes gum from pavements
12) Someone who has to sell medical equipment even though it's really hard
13) Forest Ranger
14) A castaway
15) Mountain climber
16) Eccentric owner of an island of dinosaurs
17) Football player
18) Police detective
19) Accountant
20) Someone who runs a bookshop and falls in love with a film star

As I would hate to be labelled a "feminist"; they are yucky we all know that, when I am trying to be practical and helpful, I have also drawn up a list of lead characters that we cannot have women as the main role in. I'm trying to prove with this list that I am not a "feminist" (bleugh, right?) and I know that equality has its limits. So here's a list of films that can't have a woman as the lead:

1) A film about a penis model who shows his real penis off a lot.
2) A biopic of a man who is already a man and so can't be played by a woman
3) A film about a Royal Marine
4) A film about bishops in the Anglican church before 2013

There seem to be far fewer films that cannot be women than could be a woman. It is seemingly increasingly difficult to believe that the most creative minds of each generation haven't noticed that too. So, I'm beginning to think that it must just be habit that keeps making us write about men. Male is the default. Luckily, I can make another list that might help nudge things along. My third, and final list, is a list of genuine start points for films that do not have a gender necessity for the lead. They could all go either way.

1. A person loses their child out walking in the countryside on a Sunday afternoon. They search desperately for hours before, just as the light is failing, they see a van disappearing away from a pool of water at high speed. They are terrified. There's no signal on the mobile phone to call for help. Is the child in the lake or the van? Where do they search first?

2. A person has 9 gold Olympic medals and is now facing their biggest challenge yet: settling back into their family after so many years of fighting for a single goal. It's tough dealing with a body which is failing and a family they hardly know. The call ups to appear on TV to comment on sport are drying up and they feel useless.

3. Hilarious comedy about a person who decides to live their life according to their spam inbox. A bored office worker decides to take inspiration from the irritating and goes on a mission to visit all the people who have sent them spam over the last week. They visit 4 continents, several penis enlargement factories, a remote village in Nigeria where their uncle recently passed away in great wealth, and a whole host of other side splitting locations.

4. A writer has writer's block, but the cursor on their computer gets bored of waiting for them to type something and decides to take matters into its own stick. It starts coming out with the most fantastic stories, stories that get the writer bigger and better book deals. But when the writer's writer's block disappears and they want to go back to writing their own stuff the cursor isn't having any of it and a battle of wills kicks off. A dark comedy that turns thriller as you realise, cursors can kill.

5. A wedding photographer turns themself into the police after they realise 9 out of 10 of the last couples they photographed have been killed. The photographer is driven mad by the connection, convinced they are killing them somehow with their camera. But a driven young detective is determined to clear the photographer's name as they believe the photographer is innocent. Is someone else killing these couples? And are they killing these couples for fun? Or to get to the photographer?

So, there are just a few plots that I've thought up in my silly brain that could be any gender for all the characters. Films with women in them don't have to be about being a woman any more than films starring men do. I can't wait to see a cinema that is so much more open minded about what women are capable of.

I remember watching The Help for the first time last year and finding it so refreshing to watch a film so female driven without being "about being a woman" implicitly. I am an optimist and a believer and I think we're moving in the right direction, but we need to keep on it. 1 actress per film is not enough in 2014.

PS: For an insight into what women further down the acting ladder face day in day out via casting calls, follow @ProResting on Twitter or seek out her excellent blog Casting Call Woe.

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Stabby McTabby

I recently had a children's book rejected so I thought I'd post it here and hopefully it can still spread some joy.

Stabby McTabby

Stabby McTabby was a mean old cat,
He had very few friends as a direct result of that.
For if you are mean, and not very kind
People move on and leave you behind.

So Stabby McTabby was all alone,
Except for his blade which he'd sharpen and hone,
And if any foolish creature came stumbling by,
McTabby would wave it, miming gouging an eye.

McTabby liked drinking, and sex, and drugs,
And hanging around with his alley cat thugs.
But one day McTabby's world turned on its head,
After satisfying a lady cat down in his bed.

They'd just finished banging and licking her clean,
When the lady cat turned and said something obscene,
And Stabby was shocked at the change in his heart,
As he realised he loved her and they could never part.

But the lady cat was a player, and had other aspirations,
And she said she was leaving despite Stabby's protestations.
Stabby fought with his urge to keep her in his sight,
And let her go softly, back in to the night.

He tossed and he turned in his old piss soaked bed,
Wishing he'd kept her somehow by his head.
If only he'd stabbed her, his old childhood trick,
He'd have someone to lie with in this pool of his sick.

Poor Stabby McTabby alone with his regrets,
Drinks until his good intentions disappear and he forgets.
Incontinent with whiskey breath, he steps out in the night,
To win back his precious lady love or die putting up the fight.

He stumbles down pitch alleyways,
Shouting 4 letters and spitting at gays,
A fouler sight has never been seen,
Than Stabby McTabby turned envy green.

Finally he spots her, in the light of a bin fire,
Settling down for the night in the rim of an old tyre.
Stabby McTabby advances with intent,
"I'll be back inside her before the night is spent!"

But, wait, what's that shadow beside his lady love?
Rising and falling and wearing her like a glove?
Stabby McTabby has a rival for her affection!
Stabby McTabby does not cope well with rejection...

He bursts forth towards the tyre, his rage is all consuming,
He takes no time to breathe deep and count, this angry pussy's fuming,
And Stabby McTabby lives up to his name, 
He stabs and he stabs and he stabs them again.

He stays there stabbing and stabbing all night,
Stabbing long after they cease putting up a fight.
He stabs them for revenge, to mend his broken heart,
He stabs until he thinks it might even be art.

He stabs them for pleasure, for pain and for mercy,
But here, dear reader, is the story's controversy.
When he finished his stabbing he just wandered home,
And lived out the rest of his natural life without consequence,
Because he is a cat and they don't have police or a justice system.

Monday, January 6, 2014

The Diary of an Owl

May 15th 1pm

I finally busted out of my egg today, with absolutely no help from either of my parents or my ass hole sister. I managed to crack through it from the inside using my beak and didn't even get a congratulations from mum or dad. Mum just sat on me because she said I looked cold and dad disappeared off "to get food". Yeah right. He's such a prick.

May 15th 5pm


May 15th 9pm

Mum just had a right go at me for being ungrateful when I said I didn't want any dinner if it was going to be more vomit stew. She is such a bitch.

May 16th

I am so hungry. Tried to persuade Dad to just carry something home for me to eat like a normal bird and he laughed, pecked me on the head (which really hurt by the way if you're reading this from owlcial services) and said that his family had always eaten that way. Great. I am the newest in the line of total morons. What the fuck do we have claws for if we're just going to eat vomit? I can't wait to grow up and get out of here. I let my sister have my food. She's such a greedy bitch.

May 17th

Eugh. I just want to get back in my egg. My sister is such a dick, she's so fat she takes up so much space and she's always getting into MY HALF of the nest. I hate her. I wish she'd fall out of the nest and die. It is so boring in here - all we do is sit around all day. Don't mum and dad get it that I can probably fly already? Jesus. My fat fuck of a sister has done nothing but cheep all day.

May 18th

Just noticed some white haired human pillock up a tree near us. He's squatting on a platform and whispering to a big metal thing. I think he's talking about us. I hope he's from Owlcial Services, he has a nice voice. I hope he sees how my sister is eating all my vomit food and my parents aren't bringing me anything different to see if I like it.

May 19th - 10am

What the absolute fuck?!?! My parents have decided to stop feeding me and just concentrate on my sister??!

May 19th - 11am

White haired bloke definitely not from Owlcial Services! He just said mum and dad's decision to only feed my idiot is sister is "a fascinating display of nature at its most efficient". What an owlshole.

May 19th - 11:30am

Tried to show Dad I would eat vomit food after all. My sister hit me and sat on my and Dad fed her instead. This sucks. I'm just going to starve to death because I'm clever enough not to want to eat vomit. Way to go owls. This is why we're stuck in fucking nests while humans rule the world. I can't believe this is happening.

May 19th - 5pm

A whole day without food again. I am literally starving. Where is Bonowl when you need him?

May 20th - 3pm

So weak. Just going to die here in the comfort of my own nest. Goodbye cruel world.

May 20th - 5pm

Oh my God. I do not actually believe this, my mum just rolled me out of the fucking nest?! I am lying on the floor under the tree like some kind of Mowlses in the rushes. This is the worst day of my life. I thought I might die on impact, a merciful end, but I'm so fucking bouncy and small I survived, didn't I? Ah for fuck's sake. Bring on oblivion. I am so hungry.

May 20th - 9pm

Oh great, a bloody fox. You will literally never guess where I am?! Yeah, in a fox's mouth. FFS.

I'm being taken back to his den for his cubs. Jesus Christ. At least eat me first so I can have the satisfaction of being someone else's shitty vomit food. Put me down you ginger tosser! It's my sister you want, she's like, 4 times the size of me. This sucks.

May 20th - 9:20pm

I am back at the den of the foxes. About to be eaten. Just having my head battered around by one of the cubs for a bit first. That fucking white haired guy is squatting outside the den in a pair of chinos talking about how the runt of this litter has been spared my fate because of this meal (me). That's nice isn't it. Someone get Owlton John in here and we'll all sing about it. I hope my mum and dad are really sorry for what they've done.

This is my last diary entry.