Dear Celebrities: Please Stop Marrying Each Other!


Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony, gone but not forgotten

2010 WireImage

Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony, gone but not forgotten

OK, I'm not a certified statistician, but I saw Moneyball, and I read Us Weekly, so you can trust me on this: You, Ms. Celebrity Who's About to Marry Mr. Celebrity—yes, you, the one who's giving an interview right now about how in love you are—you're most likely going to get divorced. I know, it's a bummer, and I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you, but someone has to. Because inevitably, in two years, or nine years, or 72 days down the road, you'll announce that you're splitting, and can we please give you privacy during this difficult time? (Not that "normal" people don't get divorced; we do. But we'll happily take our 50 percent chance over your, well, 95 percent any day.) Of course, there are notable exceptions: Let's give a hat tip to Ben and Jen and Chris and Gwyneth. (But we don't count Harrison and Calista or Michael and Catherine.

Those dudes sowed their wild oats way before their wives were even born.) In addition to causing strife in your own lives, celebs, your divorces are hurting us too. We're the ones who read your tweets about love, and listen to your tips about how to keep a marriage hot, only to feel let down and tricked when we hear it's ending so soon. So why don't you save us all some heartache and just say no when he gets down on one knee? Or, better yet, actually date for a few years before exchanging rings. Or live together like Goldie and Kurt. Or, here's an idea, marry someone who's not a celebrity. We're perfectly good mates—no publicity tours with hot costars to worry about, nor any entourage to crowd the house! And we promise, in sickness and in health, we won't ever outshine you on the red carpet.