Saturday, November 17, 2007

It's Time to Fess Up

There is something I need to talk about. I never talk about this and I feel I must. I need to track it. So, I'm going to put a label for this post entitled "Sleeping" to find it easily.

This blog is for me. I realize that; however, I find myself not wanting to talk about everything Why? I really have no clue. It's like I have to keep up some type of persona even for myself. It truly is ridiculous and not helpful at all.

So...I need to fess up. It's time.

I've been severely depressed. To the point that I have been in bed sleeping for more than 18 hours at a time. It started like this: My daughter was sick Monday with a stomach virus. I stayed home with her. Tuesday she went back to school but needed to come home very early because she was still sick. I stayed home with her. I fretted the entire time about the money I wasn't earning while being home. I felt too guilty to leave her by herself while she was sick. I felt guilty for even worrying about money while she was sick.

I felt stuck. My husband is in Morocco. No one else was home to be with her. I needed to stay home. I wanted to stay home because I wanted to take care of her. It's just the factor of money that made anxiety flare like a bonfire.

Another reason why I fretted is because next week is Thanksgiving. We are off work next Thursday and Friday for the holiday. I don't get paid for holidays, therefore no money will be earned. Not getting paid for Monday and Tuesday along with next Thursday and Friday equals almost a week of work I won't get paid for.

That severely impedes my financial situation. Christmas is coming up soon as well. I won't get paid for two days during Christmas that the company takes off and also New Years Day. So, in a two-month time span I won't get paid for seven business days.

It gets worse though. I sabotaged myself...A LOT.

To make matters worse, I became so depressed by Wednesday I was in bed. I couldn't get up. My daughter went back to school. I slept. Thursday she felt bad again and stayed home. I was actually relieved because that was an excuse to stay home. Today she went back to school and I was in bed. So now it means I won't get paid for ten business days in a two-month span.

I have slept so much and I am so tired. My daughter is at my parents house for the weekend and I am alone which is best.

I just want to die. I don't want to wake up.

Don't worry - I'm not going to do myself in. I mean...sure, I think about it. I think everyone does at some point in their life. Maybe I'm wrong. I hope I'm not. Because if I am it means I'm more abnormal than I would like to think.

I haven't eaten except for two slices of French bread with some hummus. I have had maybe one cup of water a day.

I'm not hungry.

I finally ate tonight. I can't eat much. My stomach got filled up very quickly.

Yesterday my daughter climbed in bed with me. We talked. She is more aware than I would ever think or want to realize. See, I told her that I had the virus that she had. I thought she believed me. I think she does to some degree, but somehow the conversation turned to depression. She told me that she had never seen someone with depression so badly. See, she has anger issues at times. She told me that she was happy she had anger issues like her father compared to depression issues like me. She said that at least with anger it would go away after a while. She said depression doesn't go away. She said it may get better, but it comes back.

It does come back.

I feel so inconsistent.

I can't depend on myself.

I feel like a horrible mother.

I don't want her to remember this.

I don't want her to remember how I laid in the bed sleeping for 18+ hours.

It reminds me of my Mom. She did this (and still does). I am repeating the cycle. It must end.

This has happened so many times before in the past two years. And my financial situation just gets worse. I am slowly dying.

Sometimes I think it would be so much better if I weren't here. My daughter wouldn't have to watch. She would be better off. I try so hard to be a great mom...a great wife...a great employee...a great student...a great person. And then I sabotage myself and show everyone including myself what a piece of shit I am. Then it makes it so much harder to work because I feel like I have to make up for the depression.

At this point I have so much to make up for that I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's too overwhelming.

This week my anger for my husband has been unreal. Since he has been gone I have been able to be away from the drama and the stress. I have been able to be a bit more objective because I'm not in the middle of the mess. I'm not walking on eggshells. It has been a relief. At the same time it has been maddening because I realize more and more what stress I go through with him. Doesn't he realize? Does he comprehend what it's like?

He hasn't been here to shout, scream and be insulting; however, I have been doing that for him in my mind. The inner dialogue in my mind keeps repeating what he has said to me in the past and it makes me more and more angry.

I have been in the pursuit of his happiness for seven years. I have wanted him to live his dream for seven years. I just want him to be happy!!!!!!

Does he want me to be happy?


Anonymous said...

A good post, but a bit disturbing ...

It's "good" in the sense that you're getting at the roots. My own blog is similar in nature - a diary of sorts to help me examine my own life - and my sense is it's the things that make me uncomfortable, those that I am most reluctant to write about, that are probably the most significant.

It's "a bit disturbing" in that it looks like you're in a downward spiral and that your situation is feeding on itself and growing worse. I could probably offer some trite platitudes (look on the bright side, darkest before dawn, blah blah blah) but I know that's more annoying than helpful, and my own life is too messed up for me to be giving anyone else advice.

But at the same time, I do want to offer some encouragement to a fellow pilgrim, I just can't find a way to phrase it that doesn't sound shallow and saccharine.

Anonymous said...

First off, I agree totally with Ginea - you do not deserve to be screamed at and insulted by anyone, least of all your husband.

I'm so sorry to know you're feeling this down. If it's any consolation at all, I can empathise with you completely. Different circumstances sure, but the feelings of major depression are agonising no matter what triggers it. Your daughter WOULD NOT be better off without you!!!

My offer still know my email address if you ever want to let of steam or need an understanding ear. *hugs*


Anonymous said...

I know what you mean. I'm also very good at sabotaging myself when I'm at my lowest. But that's what people who love you are for. That's what God is for, really. He looks at every part of you and me --- even the worst ones --- and still loves us anyway. And that's what gets my head above water at the worst times.

Different situations, but I think I know a bit of how you feel, about being helpless sometimes. And I definitely know what you mean about not sharing every single bit of your life on your blog. Some things are just too private.

All I can say is love yourself. Seriously. Your daughter won't be better without you, and neither would your husband.

You deserve to be happy. It'll just take a bit of work.

I don't know if this is poking too much, and you can let me know if I'm being too nosy. But do you think it might help to see a doctor? I mean, it'll probably cost you and be hard on you emotionally. But maybe professional help could let you figure out how what's happened before affects you now. And maybe, just maybe, knowing these things and that it's not your fault could help you leave all the baggage & be free to move on to something that's better.

Of course, you don't have to take any advice from me. But know I consider you as a friend, and I'm rooting for you. I pray for you everyday. Take good care.

Oh, and sorry for the extremely long comment. X)

Anonymous said...

Mama. Be merciful with yourself. Treat yourslef in the best ways you treat the other ones you love in your life.

I'm here, too, if you want to talk. Hope
PS There an email link on my blog.

Anonymous said...

Just came back tonight to check on you. How are you doing, mama?

Anonymous said...

Hi honey.
I am so sorry that you feel so bad. If you read back over your blog you know that this too will pass. don't ever feel that your daughter will be better off without you.. daughters learn eventually that their mammies aren't perfect and mammies learn eventually that they don't have to be perfect. just good enough. You're not a shit mum - if your daughter can talk to you and tell you how she is feeling then you are most probably a good mum. And you're not a piece of shit. You are as we say here, a dote!
It's really hard to change the negative thoughts to positive ones but try. Find yourself a positive mantra, repeat it in your head as often as you can stand it. Eventually, it becomes less burdensome but more importantly you can't concentrate on 2 mantras at a time. If you keep pushing, the negative one gets quieter. Alternatively, you think to yourself, 'I must be losing my mind to be having these conversations with myself' and it makes you laugh. Then when you are laughing.. and god knows you need a laugh... read back over your funnies!
I'll catch up with you tomorrow
loads of hugs

Anonymous said...

hey there...sure would like to hear from you mama.

Anonymous said...

Hi G.A.
About 9-10 years ago I was so depressed that I would come home from work on Friday at 6pm and get up Saturday at 3pm, run errands, etc., and go back to bed. I'd stay awake all weekend just thinking. Lost 20 pounds in about 5 months. My therapist at the time said something very good: "No guy is worth doing this to yourself." Good thing to keep in mind. Having said that, I'm also bi-polar (diagnosed then, still on meds). Getting on meds can be a good thing. They don't make you happy, just pull you up enough so you can deal - the rest is up to you. Nobody thinks you're a shit. And even if they did, fuck 'em. You take care of yourself and your daughter, that's it. You don't have a responsibility for anyone else. Do what you need to do to find a place in yourself where you can find some peace. Be strong, be brave. You will be fine. Don't just think. Do. Stay engaged, don't stop doing the things that matter to you - even if it's just watering the plants. One of the wonderful things about life is that it goes on, and that it changes constantly. Let go and go for the ride. Best wishes and big hug.

Anonymous said...

Hiya honey... give me a shout when you are back. I'm thinking about you and sending BIG positive thoughts across the sea. I will have a cider and black in your honour on Fiday night... even though I hate blackcurrant and think it corrupts the uncorruptable ... so at 10pm my time on Friday if you concentrate hard.. you'll know I'm raising a glass to a stranger. I'll set my phone

Anonymous said...

Hey mama...still keeping you in thought...let us know how you are when you feel up to it.

Anonymous said...

I am deeply moved by your post. Blogging is a great method of release.

I agree with the other commentors. You do not deserve to be screamed at and insulted, and your daughter Would Never be better off without you!

As an abuse survivor with PTSD, I'm no stranger to pain and suffering.

I want you to know you are a precious, priceless being. You deserve to be happy and find your sources of bliss in life's simple pleasures and treasures.

You obviously have a cyber-tribe that cares deeply about you. You are a Divine child of the universe. Your daughter needs you. The world needs you.

Bounteous blessings of loVe, peace, and solace upon you.

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