11:19 AM

7,180,374,592 people are in this here world... hope is not lost :)

Its been a long while and I've had oh so many experiences to write about. Some good, some not so good and some just down right bad. After all this time I'm still finding myself struggling with many of the same issues. As broad as that sounds it applies to many areas of my life and even just my outlets for expression. I want to write candidly about whats going on but there is that shadow of self looming over me reminding me why its not a good idea to necessarily document each and every thing that is happening to me publicly. I have this little internal struggle where I want to just let it all out for the random person to read, be entertained by, intrigued or just learn something from my experiences but I still feel like the shit will eventually hit the fan from me being so open and out there. Who knows who has or will come across this blog. Eh.. and I keep thinking that maybe I need to just create a pen name and detail it out somewhere else.. but then it sort of defeats my purpose. There is some satisfaction is revealing what is internal and brewing in my head and letting people know that its me that's living this life.

I can't even count the amount of times that someone has suggested to me that I write a book. Part of me wants to do it but I feel like its sooooooo much and ultimately who will ever read it and do I really want folks to read it. The story of my life.... and to think I don't even have kids, never have been engaged, never married and have only lived in California. I know that I have the potential to add so many more experiences to that book. I just have to make sure that I keep it moving so to speak. I'm still feeling the relocation bug. I've been whining about it for the past couple of years at least. Its the exact same thing that I did when I lived in Sacramento and wanted oh so badly to break away from it. The mundane, the boring dingy brown neighborhoods that remind me of where I grew up. I'm sure for many Sac isn't Wack but there is pretty much little to nothing left there that calls me back. Starting to feel this way about California but its hard to think about leaving all this sunshine, beaches, valleys, beautiful weather and water behind.

So, can I continue living this life here in the Bay area? I mean all things considered its not a bad life but it can be better. I also think it can be better right here in the bay. Its a matter of me making changes and moves so to speak to step things up for myself. Adding more discipline and really not being afraid to set some tough goals for myself. Buuuuut... there is so much more out there. Out there being the world. Of course I want to share my experiences with people I love who also have genuine love and care for me but how long does one wait and how much love and care is enough? Holding onto a resemblance of a relationship that at times seems legit but at many other times seems like another lesson I must have needed to learn keeps me constantly evaluating my day to day decisions. You know...  when I do spill my guts and detail out my experiences you always end up with folks who aren't the most objective whom want to direct you to cut it all off. On the outside it sounds good, even seems logical but even as backwards as it may appear to folks companionship for someone whom has lil to no contact with family either because they are wayward, dead or just not a part of my life its hard to abandon the one person currently whom helps me feel that I'm not in this alone. But really aren't we all alone. I guess many people have a wonderful support system which is really a blessing. Having people who sincerely care, that want to be part of your life, whom want to build memories with you. Yeah.. that's a blessing whether its a partner in crime or a partner or a blood relative. Friendship.. that sincere is a blessing.

I just don't want to get caught under a web of excuses and repress my adventurous nature because my self esteem is suffering or because I sincerely love being held at night.  Most likely a combination of the two. You know so many of us search for the perfect situation, person, relationship. I mean who doesn't want the best and its truly a dreadful feeling to think that you are settling or missing out on that someone or something else who is better or at least betting fitting for you.  I am old enough to know that its a compromise. I know I like what I like and there will ALWAYS be a certain type that turns my head, catches my eye, makes me take a deep breath at the site or sound of them. But that complete package that folks like to look for is a really tall order. But.. Guess what yall I'm not getting any younger.

As much as my mind can embrace the metaphysical aspects of life and use that sort of ideology to as explain why things might be the way there are I can't deny the fact that I have a technical mind and I'm interested in logic. I really wish I could come across a study.. the person who takes NO BS, who bails at any sign of strife or struggle when dealing with people vrs the person who bends and sways whom invests energy into nursing the situation either back to health or just to a place it can grow. I sometimes wonder that if I was more of the type of woman whom took no shit at all would I be in a happier place? Would I be more satisfied with the company I keep? Would there be less stress in my life? Would there be people who were drawn to the no nonsense approach or would it create a lonely existence?

I think back to how just a couple of years ago... even though I was still the same quiet, more introverted type of person. I would wild the fukk out dealing with that world wind of a "relationship" I was in. After it seemed to finally break free from me, finally be over.. though maybe not completely free from it but over none the less... to release the feeling of having less control over my emotions, reactions to day to day life. I didn't even have it in me to date.. to meet new people or to deal with BS. That carried on for damn near two years, then I met him and it was suppose to be fun. I can't describe it as such. There has been fun had and a lot of other good things but fundamentally core basics are missing.

So I'm wondering how my mind has rationalized that this situation can work out for the better when fundamentally its not structurally sound. I mean I cant deny that there are things that I've gotten to experience during the course of this relationship that I really do enjoy and have wanted to find in a man. Then you have the things that are broken. At times it seems very simple and not too difficult to address, to change. Then again... at this point in my life what equals a healthy, successful, progressing relationship to me? I say to me.. because perception is a big part of all of this. If I believe I'm getting what I want, if I feel that I'm happy and relatively satisfied with my experiences then that's more than half of the battle if not damn near all of it. So why others may hear of me detail the bad I'm not spending too much time detailing out the good. Its hard to sweep the bad under the rug.

So do I say life is too short, so what if out of this so called list I have that's not written down in any place he measures up to pretty well. I think what keeps calling me back to that little pocket of despair that I feel I'd say at least weekly, what keeps calling me is the basics that I'm not getting and that hes told me out right some pretty blatantly hurtful things. So, no matter if I can mark off several boxes on my wants and desires list it doesn't matter much if his list doesn't have as many checks as mine. All the while not wanting to let me go.. like I've said to him I'm comfortable and I know it. In many senses of the word. I'm literally comfortable to rest ya head on lol. I'm not overly dramatic these days. I'm loving and sweet. But I'm left feeling inadequate, not fulfilling enough as a direct result of his actions and words. Not me fabricating it in my head but I've been told finally. I say finally because there was a time I just questioned and wondered and tried to decipher what the hell was going on. I'm still in some sort of denial. I still don't see how someone would want to be around me so much but not be happy. I must be comfortable.. So its hard to try to progress and truly believe this situation is moving forward, moving up when I feel down. No matter how many nights we chill, talk, cuddle, eat together, tickle each other to the the point of ninja defense attacks and talk about being better people I can't shake or ignore facts. I may be a cancerian emotional ball of feelings but damn this techy brain is saying that this shit is not adding, subtracting or multiplying up correctly.

Maybe we should have just been friends. . . . not that its impossible to be just friends now but it would be tough. I den messed around and caught "the feelings".

One of these days.. one of these days..  I mean damn.. according to this Google search there are currently 7,180,374,592 people in this here world. Damn.. one of them gotta like me for me annnd I like them for them :) right?  Seems reasonable lol ::sigh:: one of these days......Cutie 

4:36 PM

Telling Youngbucks about themselves, do it or dont even bother?

So.. I found myself this morning having a discussion with an online male friend of mine about some situations I've found myself in lately and my overall responses about what is going on.  I recently have decided to step back into the dating scene. I've been out of it for a while now. Being in my long term crazy relationship.. talking 5 or so years including that long "grey" area at the end and then just not being interested in what I assumed were the games being played by the men out there. I just was not even putting out the "I'm available" vibe. Not to say there hasn't been a friend or someone I could hang out with from time to time but no one I would even begin to take serious. Anyone I tried to take serious who proved me otherwise were retired.

So yeah.. a little back ground since I've been off the grid as far as my story sharing goes.. Starting last year I decided I was going to make some changes in my life. In light of a lot of the major events that had taken place in 2011 I needed to reboot so to speak. I needed to let go of people that were "friendly" on the outside and focus my attention towards the types of people who were genuine all around both inside and out.  Hey its hard being in your early 30's and deciding that the people you considered to be more than just an acquaintance were not much more than that superficial high school type of buddy that you'd greet in the morning and at lunch time with a fake hug while they were probably talking shit behind your back or deep down not really caring too deeply about who you were as a person. I figured that the people who I had truly cultivated a connection with wouldn't drop off. So far, I'm doing fine with my decisions and I've stepped out of my comfort zone again and embarked on that journey of being a grown ass woman "making friends". Plus I'm a cancer, my inner circle is always small and the people who stay there are reliable, real and just good people, like I consider myself to be.

So.. here I am keeping myself busy, working, traveling, going out being social and meeting new people. I decide hey.. I'm ready. For what you might ask.. like I told a dude I met. Whatever fits. . .  Some of the ladies I've had conversations with about dating and what not have made a statement that this is the year they will find a man or find themselves in a relationship. When I hear that, even though there is that part of me that says, "Hey let love find you" there is another part that can respect a go getter. If you just whine about your single status all the time, much probably won't change. Now, if you actively make some strides that might be able to turn that desire into a reality, then hey maybe you are ready.

Well.. I've discovered recently that I'm not 100% certain I'm ready. Its interesting, I don't mind the notion of just dating, meeting new people, going out on dates and having a good time. But as soon as someone lets me in on something about themselves that is a red flag I'm ready to just jump ship and move on to the next one. Now,  the ones I may have met that have sparked my curiosity as soon as I feel they are playing games I'm like "I can't deal with this shit" and feel like I just need to forget about dating.  Another question I've been asking.. is whats so wrong with wanting to like the person you are sleeping with? I don't care, I know folks hook up to satisfy that carnal desire they have. Hey, who knows what might happen when I turn 32 lol but right now I'm like if I don't like your ass I don't want to be with you even if its just for the night.

The primary reason this blog post even came about is because recently I met someone, a nice young chap :) and he has proven to be very clingy to an almost creepy smothering level way to fast. Now I only hung out with this person one time. I had a decent time, enjoyed their company but I didn't feel any sparks.  They are rather new to the area and since I'm on my go out and have a good time exploring kick. Hey why not meet some more folks I can hang out with, I've been meeting other women but not so many men who can fit that bill. Problem is.. I'm a bit older now and as much as I like to think that I can just hang out with a male of the opposite sex platonically its a stretch. In this particular case not for me, but for the other party I dunno. I do believe that women and men can be friends, but 9 times out of 10 one of them wants the other one. If they don't then there has to be some special circumstances interrupting that attraction to the other one. Maybe they swing the other way, maybe they don't find the other person psychically attractive or just maybe it just never happened. Not in the cards so to speak.

So.. Even though I only hung out one day.. and I didn't flirt and there was no night caps of any kind. I'm like I don't want to lead anyone on. Which sucks because I want folks to hang out with! So, one of my online male chat buddies says I should NOT give homie the heads up on what he is doing wrong. Just to leave him alone since I know I'm not interested in anything romantically. hmmm....  He also said that he, himself use to be a nice guy and then a girl fucked it up by telling him some shit about himself and now he is the asshole that every female finds out about.

I also spoke with another male friend who says that if I approach the subject right it might do the guy some good to find out what type of vibes he's putting out there. He also mentioned that a guy chooses to be an asshole. I'm tending to side with him :) 

So.. even though I'm hearing the first guy friend, I don't buy it. What I'm considering is to have a talk, most likely on the phone.. not sure if I want to hang out with him and then drop some knowledge. But my first impressions of the dude.. is hes a "NICE" guy. I hate to even say that. Sounds so cliche' but he seems like a nice dude and the amount of attention he has to give is lovely. Many women love attention.. I know I do but I've also got a few years of experience under my belt so I know what traits don't really attract me to a man or in this case turn me off.

I call it the yes man.. Now, I don't like to be told no. Of course I like to get my way but I also like to feel that the person I'm dealing with has some say about whats going down, they have their own opinion, wants and desires. For me it needs to be a good balance between wanting to please the next person and keeping your own wants, desires and needs in perspective.  Maybe the desire is just to get in them jeans but I also like a man with at least a bit of an aggressive streak in him. So going the whatever you want to do route won't work unless you possess to a lot of the other traits I like.

So.. I wont break down everything this dude has done wrong.. I just like confidence, mixed with a good sense of humor, good communication and respect.  There is a difference from being an asshole and cocky to just being confident and sure of what you want. I feel that since this is a younger dude that maybe he needs just a little heads up on what he might be doing wrong or what translates to signs of not being sure of himself and needy. If he were to just reign in a few things he may have a bit more success at when it comes to pulling women, especially an older woman if thats what he thinks he wants. I won't be rude, or a bitch about it I mean I think that it may ultimately help him if he decides to heed some of my advice.

Some words of advice .....

1) You can call them, you can text them but it should not be the first thing you do when you wake up, even if you are thinking of them.  You save that for someone you are seeing on a regular basis and even then for some it might be a bit much. (I personally could handle it, but not this early in the game) Sometimes you are just feeling each other and it works.. but you can almost always feel this kind of chemistry and you don't feel awkward about it.

2) The amount of times you text or call her. Now, if he or she is engaging you in your texting then hey it may not be all bad but if they don't respond. You can't do the back to back thing. Same with calling, if you've called once and you left your message, unless its an emergency you don't call back again and again. Its not healthy for either party.   Shows signs of desperation. Now I know its tough, I can go crazy when someone doesn't respond. Its one of those "bad" traits I have but I try to repress it lol. But look, this is where good communication comes in. If he or she is truly interested in you even if they do get busy (folks do, its life) they will get back to you in a timely manner.  They will most likely offer an explanation if its been a super long time.. people who are interested and have a sense of respect will not just flake and expect to pick up where they left off.  If they do, then they don't respect you. Now if hours and hours go by and you hear nothing and then its the next day and you hear nothing. Maybe this person is either just not that into you or maybe their iron is in a lot of fires and they aren't willing to give you any more time and it will most likely always be an issue.

3) Compliments..  now both men and women like to get complimented. A lot of guys won't say it but it can make someone feel good. Now a woman or a man who happens to be attractive or has a really charismatic personality may get a tad bit more compliments then the next and maybe they are use to it or expect it. For me.. I personally like to hear compliments but every time we talk I dont want to know that you think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world. Did you hear anything I just said? Do you care to know anything more about me as a person? I mean.. maybe I'm cute, maybe in your eyes the most beautiful but sometimes when things sounds so out there its hard to take you serious and really believe  that you believe, what you are saying. It's just my opinion. But.. I will say a good timed compliment.. can work wonders.. and can make me blush.

4) The reschedule.. now usually if someone decides to cancel a chance to hang out its something to take note of. Things come up, again we are adults but if it happens on a regular basis this person doesn't value your time nor do they take you serious. Now, your response to the cancel, early on will also impact the reschedule lol Don't act like your world is crushed because the date has been canceled. Its okay to express that hey.. I was looking forward to hanging out with you but you move on. You can see about trying to reschedule then and if the person is open to it, then thats a good sign. I personally will only deal with reschedules only a very select amount of times before I will just keep it moving. Only if the communication is on point will this not be a major issue.

These are only a few things I'm thinking of pointing out.. and just in general I think people need to think about. I don't think there is anything wrong with a man being bold, blunt and honest about him being interested and attracted. Also, it depends on what he is looking for out of the situation. Is it a hook up, someone to date or something even more than that. Either case I still think there are some basics folks should follow. Unless there is instant chemistry someone who is completely needy and clingy usually won't go over well. At least for me...  the way I look at it, if I like spending time with someone then hey.. you never know. Some folks grow on you. But.. don't lay all your cards out on the table until you have some sense of what you are dealing with.

4:35 PM

eat'real festival in Oakland

The past few weekends the bay area has been delivering when it comes to things to do.  This past weekend I decided that I wanted to hit up the eat'real festival in Oakland.  I had never been before and had heard about the event a few weeks in advance and had tentatively put it on my lists of things to do list instead of sitting at home in the house.

When checking out their website this is what they had to say about the eat'real festival:

"Eat Real combines a state fair, a street-food festival, and a block party to create a celebration of good food. At the Eat Real Festival, participants learn where food comes from, who grows and makes it, and how they make it. Eat Real Festival attendance is 100% free of charge, all food at the festival costs $5 and less, and all food incorporates regionally-sourced, fabulous, and sustainably-produced ingredients.

Eat Real is a social venture business with an affiliated non-profit focused on promoting and teaching food craft. Eat Real’s mission is to help revitalize regional food systems, build public awareness of and respect for the craft of making good food and to encourage the growth of American food entrepreneurs."

So I thought why not check it out…  I had a couple people in mind who might be open to checking out the festival and trying some of the yummy cheap eats. Well unfortunately I couldn't manage to round up any folks to go check the event out. I'm not sure what it is… but it seems hard to find folks who have just an open mind a tinge of excitement to try something new. I'd say that finding folks to hang out with has been one of the harder things to do in my late twenties and now early 30's. I don't need to be out in the streets all of the damn time.. but I like to try new things and just enjoy myself. Why not? 

Normally, I'd give up on the idea as I'm not fond of hanging out at public events alone but this time I said what the hell and headed on down to Jack London Square in Oakland. I mean.. hey gotta give it up to Oakland for putting together a positive, popular well organized event. Especially considering the seemingly lack of awesome things to do when you compare Oakland with cities like Berkley or San Francisco. Don't get me wrong.. sure Oakland trys and does succeed at some of the events it hosts but the city has a bad rap and its not as popular as other parts of the Bay. 

So.. I got ready, pulled some cash from an ATM and on an empty stomach made my way down to the festival. The festival was ending around 8pm and I figured 1 1/2-2 hours would be long enough to wonder around checking things out by my lonesome. 

So.. first impression..  definitely worth the trip! There were approximately 30 or so food trucks set up all up and down the area of Jack London square. Folks seemed in a good mood, food and awesome smells were all around and there was a decent sized crowd. 

After making my way through most of the event I spotted my first $5 grub!  It was a food truck called Curry Up Now. Who woulda thought.. indian street food. I'm sure there are these specialty modern style food trucks springing up all over but in Oakland.. normally you're limited to the good ol Taco truck.  I ended up ordering a Tika Masala burrito for $5.  It wasn't bad, the size was average but the taste was pretty good. Not a bad find. 

So what next? I honestly hadn't eaten anything of substance all day and figured I'd at least donate a good $20 to the cause :) Thing about this festival is that the trucks that seemed to be hot and in demand had the lines to back it up. This is where coming there with someone would have came in handy. You could snack on your food, chit chat and wait in the long line for your turn to order.  I didn't have that  luxury so I just kept it moving reading the signs of the different food spots seeing where I was stopping at next. 

I ended up eating at restaurant thats already there called MissPearlsJam House. I had eaten there a couple of times before in the past. They do Caribbean food. I ended up with a hotlink w/ no bun and a small spoon of cajun cole slaw for $5.  I got something there because #1 I was at the other side of the event and two there was no line and the food was fresh off the grill. 

While eating that I made my way over to a small place that sold home made ice cream bars. I got one for $3 called sweet potato chai, it sounded good. The taste.. well that left a little to be desired but the coldness of the ice cream bar helped kick that fire of the hot link. 

On to my next find..  by this point I was feeling pretty full though I hadn't ate tons. I figured though I just had to wait out at least one of these long ass line to find out what all the hype was about. I ended up at The Q Crew… who can resists the smell of BBQ and Roasted corn out in the open. This truck boasted one of the longest lines but I figured why not. So for $5 I got a small BBQ pork slider and the side of roasted corn. It was worth the wait!  Not even sure what was better.. BBQ is great but sweet roasted corn.. is damn good too. By the time I finished this I was ready to just take a nap. I was full and was ready to just roll on home literally :) but.. I said to myself.. hey you might as well stick out ONE more line.. I mean you can take it home if you can't finish it. 

It was another one of the longest lines at the event.  I ended up in the line for A Crepe.. it had been forever since I had a sweet crepe and the looks on peoples faces after they picked theres up made me envious I just had to get me one. So.. there I was standing in another line.. honestly I think this one was even longer than the BBQ one.  I ended up ordering the strawberry crepe with Nutella spread, almonds with powdered sugar on top. Like all the other folks I was happy when I FINALLY got mine.. but I was also full.  The little organic fork didn't quite do its job. I found that it was hard to eat the crepe but I managed. So.. I sad down and finished it all.  I don't even know how I made it back to the car.. but overall I was happy I went and though cruising the festival alone was a tad bit awkward at moments.. it wasn't a big deal.  

I just remember thinking to myself.. how many people actually did come here by themselves cause it seemed that almost everyone was chit chatting away with someone. Maybe next time..  but I'm not gonna let folks stop me from having fun.. or seeing what this bay area has to offer. 

1:14 PM

Makeup, Earrings, Zombies & Blue and Black Cut crease look..

So..  recently I've been inspired to work on more makeup looks. Not too long ago I decided to place an order at http://www.eyeslipsface.com/

I got a decent sized haul and have had a little more motivation to try out some new products and new looks. Also, what seems to be hitting me already is this Halloween magic in the air. Looks like I'll be working at the Haunted House at the mall again. A good friend of mine Antonio and myself will be in charge of special effects makeup for all of the actors.  

This Halloween season will be awesome and we

will get to try out some new looks and techniques

on the actors. So please stay tuned.. and check me

out often hope to keep you updated with a few

looks, maybe some tutorials who knows..  :)

Also, in the works is possibly putting together some Zombie bay area walks/crawls or mobs.. however you'd like to put it! So if you are in the area, would like to learn some awesome scary makeup tips and think it might be cool to stomp around the streets in a random zombie attack be sure to contact me or check out the newly created zombie walkers group on facebook Bay Area Zombie Walkers!

 If you like my earrings, ask me how you can get your own for CHEAP!

6:17 PM

Baking with Cutie - Banana Nut Chocolate Chip Bread Yummy!

So so so much has been going on since my last post.. and I've considered writing about it.. and something has kept me from going there just yet.. but in due time folks I'll be sure to come with a long winded, informative post and update on whats been going on in my world in the mean time I thought I'd share some recent baking that I pulled off.

  Banana Nut Chocolate Chip Bread Yummy!
Actual banana bread that I made using this recipe

2 cup all purpose flour
2 cups sugar
2 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
1 cup chopped walnuts

3/4 cup oil  (oil can be substituted with 1cup unsalted butter)
1 tsp vanilla extract
4 eggs
3 ripe bananas 
3/4 cup chocolate chips 

  1. Shift together flour, salt and baking soda into larger bowl (set aside)
  2. Mix sugar and oil together (in another bowl)
  3. Beat in 4 eggs with sugar mixture
  4. Add vanilla, mashed bananas and mix together well
  5. Mix wet mixture in with dry ingredients a little at a time till all is mixed (don't over stir/mix)
  6. Stir in chopped walnuts and chocolate chips

Will fill two 9x5 bread pans -cook time approximately (1hr 10 mins)
(check with knife or fork 10 minute before done, looking for folk or knife to come out clean.
Adjust cooking time as necessary)

Muffin Pan- will make 2 dozen or more
(cook for 25 mins)
Actual banana bread that I made using this recipe

11:27 AM

Do you like FREE Music!! Dondria's 2nd Free Mixtape

Youtube sensation turned signed Def Jam artist Dondria just dropped a new FREE Mixtape called Dondria Duets 2: Mixtape you can download it for free at Global 14 

Here is a track off the free mix tape:

12:41 AM


Little sis

3 sisters

Two little sisters


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