Thursday, December 2, 2010

5 Practical Tips for Working from Home

Natalie Portman & Mila Kunis Lesbian Kiss from...Image by LesMedia via Flickr
We all know stories of people who have become millionaires virtually overnight by working from home. What did it take for them to succeed? What strategies did they employ to grow their business? What pitfalls did they avoid along the way? Learn the answers to this and more as I give you five practical tips to work from home.

Tip 1: Don't Look at Porn: While we all know that working in front of a computer all day can be boring and the prospect of seeing the latest Mila Kunis, Miley Cyrus, or Sonya Sotomayor pics can be a stimulating way to break the monotony, but doing so is going to seriously kill your productivity. Not only will it tend to draw your hands off the keyboard (making it much harder to type), but it also kills your productivity. So, stay focused and just wait for your fat-girl-ex-girlfriend-who-still-loves-you (but has no chance with you in the long run) to get back into town.

Tip 2: Defraud Old People: Look, we all know that old people have a lot of money. More importantly, they're going to die soon anyway. Why not kill two old people with one stone and help them distribute that money before they die, preferably into your bank account in the Caymans (or probably Chase, if you're like me). That way, neither of you have to feel bad; and they can die knowing their money was spent buying box set DVDs of 80's sitcoms, including Alf and MacGuyver.

Tip 3: Make children (or illegal immigrant/homeless people) do your work for you: Lets be realistic here people. The type of work that you do from home is about equivalent to something a trained monkey could be doing instead. SEO consulting, social media optimization, stealing blog posts from other peoples' sites and posting them on yours with minor changes -- how freaking hard is any of that? Unfortunately, trained monkeys are expensive and difficult to import due to antiquated customs laws. However, Satan and his servant, Richard Dawkins, has provided a cheap and effective solution -- make children do the work for you. If you have kids, put them to work. Homework, time with friends, and sleep were things kids in the past needed -- not kids in the digital age.

If you don't have a readily available supply of children to do your bidding, consider hiring an illegal immigrant or a homeless person to do the work instead. When the time comes to pay them, simply threaten them with deportation and/or reporting them to the police for defecating on floor at Walmart to scare them away.

Tip 4: Give common sense advice and pass it off as sage wisdom: A good example of this would be to contract to write a series of freelance articles about dieting with someone stupid enough to pay you for it. Then, in your articles, give advice like "Eat more vegetables" and "Drink more water" -- things scientifically proven to make you GAIN weight. In fact, if you really want to lose weight, here are some tips that actually work:

- Gouge your own eyes out
- Go to jail and become a snitch
- Die
- Pick on people bigger than you
- Owe money to the government
- Fart into the wind
- Make out with a retard
- Slap your momma
- Eat nothing but tree bark

Tip 5: Do a half-assed job: I'm sick of writing this article. Go forth and multiply and replenish the earth.

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