Friday, March 22, 2013

Celebrity Mom's Advice For Raising Strong Girls

If it weren't for my regular dental appointments I would have little knowledge of celebrity culture. This particular article infuriated me.  "Raising Strong Girls To Prepare Them For Life!" I was ranting at my lovely hygienist despite all the cleaning gear in my mouth.

This is the truncated version written by a celebrity who just had a first child, a baby girl and felt the need to espouse her wisdom and expertise. It is so Kim Kardashian, but also Beyonce, Megan Fox or Snookie. As we know, all new celeb moms are parenting experts. But the enraging aspect of this is the perpetuating objectification of women, by other women.

Famous new moms all seem to share the same playbook. Act like they are the first person in the world to have birthed a child then give advice like they have multiple degrees in child psychology.

The drill:  First the giggly talk show circuit while pregnant, then the fashionable semi-clad magazine cover, then the required nude cover (no one will be Demi Moore, sorry girls. Demi's cover was bold, made a statement about the very sexual objectification that you all seem to have missed.)

"The use of the pregnant sex symbol was in a sense an attempt to combat the pop culture representations of the anathema of the awkward, uncomfortable and grotesquely female form in a culture that values thinness. Annie Leibovitz' candid photograph celebrates female empowerment."

A cover that spawned so many but without the impact or respect of the original. Jessica Simpson actually copied the pose, down to the ring on her finger. It was laughable.

This latest culture of celeb moms parrot each other; the unmatched love they feel for the baby, how they will have natural or home births, breast feed until the child is six, and then the launching into the bliss they experience of raising the baby, without the help of a nanny (right) and their amazing, supportive husbands.

This is quickly followed by publicity shots of their post baby bodies, two weeks after birth, now a size zero.

"All I did was breast feed. The weight just melted off. My husband is so happy. He misses my big boobs but it's great to be back in my swim wear!"

And without exception, celeb babies are branded before birth, whether it's a clothing line, a butt creme, or diet vodka.

I have to admit when I had my first child, I knew nothing and did everything wrong, covered the poor infant in talcum powder, let him sleep on his stomach, used a leash when he crawled down the hallway and I stole eight of those good swaddling blankets from Cedars. I certainly had no intention of dolling out advice to other mothers, especially since the day I brought him home, I handed the boy to his father so I could go to a Fourth of July party.

But these are very serious new moms that buy $200.00 Bon Point onesies like Allessandra Ambrosia;

and $3000.00 Aston Martin strollers with LED screens, phone chargers and Evolution straight jackets like Sarah Jessica Parker. I'm assuming this is so the kid can't move around too much when you are pretending to not get your picture taken by the paparazzi.

Why these people keep their kids in strollers until they are nine years old remains a mystery. The image takes on an infirmed quality. This is how the contraption looks zipped up.

And why have an Evolution in LA? The kid will get heat stroke. ^^^^^

My girls demanded to be out of the stroller at 12 months. Who can blame them? Why be pushed around in a cart when you can trample on the neighbors lawn and yank out the pretty flowers?

The article is influencing the minds of young mothers everywhere; the emphasis on raising weak, not strong girls. Is it any wonder women are still viewed and treated as a minority?  There is a huge majority of women that agree with many men; women are the weaker sex whose primary purpose is to stay beautiful, service men and have their babies.

"As women we need to teach our daughters and prepare them for the world!" the writer announces in case you missed the headline. When reading, I wondered if she had plagiarized an old article written by Phyllis Schlafly.

Let's now review the celeb writers mind-blowing advice. I should mention she was on the cover showing off her post baby body, a size 0, whatever that means.

Gisele Bundchen did not write this but can we just take a moment and admire her.


Pray: It sounds corny, but the sooner you make communicating with a Christian God  a regular part of their life, the better.

Okay, fine enough. I'm all for prayer, but let your daughter find her own spiritual path. Why Christian? Why the underscore? Why say corny? Maybe I'm a Muslim. Maybe I'm a Mormon. Maybe I find solace in science. If you are such an expert, this is an extremely limited view on all things spiritual.

I've encouraged all of my children to study theology. They also have their own relationship to a form of   higher being. It lessens the burden on their little shoulders, helps them realize they are not alone and makes for great family talks.

Eve:  God scares me. Why would I want some old man with a beard watching me? It freaks me out.
Aud: God is just an idea. There is not fat man sitting on a cloud.
Me:   I believe in a universal force, a kind of connector between us all, a love connector. A guide, if you will to remind us to be kind, loving and accepting of others.
Eve:  Mom, stop trying to sound parental.
Aud: I'm going to learn to meditate when Henry gets home. He's for sure tapped into a higher source.
Me:  Well so am I. I'm tapped into the huge energy field of life.
Eve:  Right. Uh, except you're always tired. Some energy field.
They laugh at me.
Eve:  I want to be Jewish.
Me:  I used to want to be Jewish. How funny.
Eve:  That's not actually funny. I don't really want to be Jewish.
Aud:  Actually we all came from the sea. Eve, let's go play Pet Shop.

Love Yourself: Even when you have a muffin top, or don't understand math or have acne.  You are perfectly imperfect. 

This must be a joke. Even if you have a muffin top? And the assumption girls won't understand math? Well, thank you sexist retro scary lady. So you're saying girls can still love themselves if they are not Madison Avenue anorexic and can't add? That's a relief.

If this article were in the Onion, it might be funny.

Stylists and make-up artists surround this person then airbrush her before she walks out her front door. She also calls herself a "card-carrying feminist." Do they make cards now? I'm certain she doesn't understand what the word means, but just wants meatier roles, usually reserved for male actors. Thus she carries this card around.

Kids learn through example, so if you run around the house screaming about your muffin top and crappy skin while starving yourself to fit into your skinny jeans, so will your girls.  This is the opposite of self-love.

Further, it's just plain insulting to women everywhere.

3. Never Chase A Guy: Anyone worth your time won't make you come after him. If he runs, there is a good reason.

Is this a joke? Why even include this? If he runs, there is a good reason? Way to talk to your vulnerable daughter. If she is raised with confidence, guess what? She can do whatever she wants and with whomever. I can't imagine saying this to my daughter.  How asinine. Plus, they love to chase boys.

Eve:  I chased Evan all during recess, then finally caught him and smeared grass in his eyes.
Aud: That was so cool. I thew a basketball at Eli's head. He ran but I kept throwing it at him.

PS---  these boys are infatuated with my girls. I promise it's all in good fun.

4. Good Hygiene Doesn't Have To Take Long. It Just Has To Happen:  No guy wants to date a MUSKAT or a PIG!! NO GUY!!!! 

Lock this crazy lunatic up. Seriously. Again with their looks. Everything in this highly praised article is geared toward raising girls so they will appeal to men. This woman is batshit. My kids sleep with their dogs, roll around in swamps in search of the almighty salamander and don't give a damn what boys think. And I am certain they are not in the minority.

5.  Respect Your Body: Don't leave the house wearing outfits that overly accentuate your boobs and booty! You are more than cleavage and a popped up rear end!!!

WTF! I would venture to say this mother would not only encourage this behavior but also buy the damn outfits plus any needed surgery to pop that booty. BTW, I didn't even know what a popped out butt was until I saw Silver Linings.

6. Act Like A Lady, Get Treated Like A Lady:  You can be a lady and stand up for your rights, without coming off as bitchy or whiny.

This just gets better and better. What the hell does that even mean? Be dainty, demure, quiet, don't speak out of turn, downplay your intelligence and take a punch in the face if you feel you deserve it? Maybe thank the guy as well?

She went on to say that if you are experiencing bullying or difficulty on the playground, don't yell or fight back, instead just saunter away like a lady to the principals office.

I wish I could reveal who this asshat mother is but maybe when her daughter gets her skirt ripped apart at school, it will be in the news and then you will know.

I tell my girls if they find themselves in a situation where someone is belittling them or there is a possible threat of bodily harm, they have full permission to kick the aggressor in the nuts or if it's a girl, they can throw her on the ground.  This might be the best lesson I can give them regarding bullies. To date, they have not been bullied on the schoolyard.

7.  Short Shorts And Slink Tops Are Not Your Friend:  Don't be one of those chicks (chicks?) who slides down the street and thinks it's her beauty that is stopping traffic.

For the love of god. New mothers everywhere are reading this and taking it as gospel because a celebrity spoke. Reminds me of Jenny McCarthy and her anti-vaccine rant; the thousands of mothers who stopped vaccinating. Nice move.

What the hell is a slink top. Who slides down the street? What women says chicks?

8. Care About Other People: That Golden Rule is the real deal and so the good you put out will come back to you.

Hey! She reads bumper stickers. And no kidding. But we also know she is not living this slogan. Kids learn from example. In what universe would this celebrity stop what she is doing to help someone else without the cameras rolling. None. She is no Ryan Gosling.

9. Never Ever Expect A Man To Do For You What You Can Do For Yourself: However, if a man comes along and wants to take care of you, that's beautiful!!! But until he shows up, maybe learn a few things around the house.

How sad is that? Again, parents are reading this. How could anyone publish an article essentially telling mothers to raise cripples? I'm surprised she didn't suggest Fifty Shades of Grey as a primer for life.

10. Here's The Formula: Marriage Before Babies: There's a reason it worked for centuries.

It did? The divorce rate is over 50% for the first marriage, 67% for the 2nd and 74% for the 3rd. But hey, you're the expert.

Women, have your babies when you want to. If you are financial stable, I don't see the point in getting married. But that's just me. I'm all for the family dynamic, and frankly, the more parental units involved, the better, but however that takes shape is besides the point. It is the consistent love and proper guidance that is of import.

This writers prehistoric notion of a girl, turned lady, fetching a provider to have his babies so she will be taken care of is ridiculous and demeaning.

Finally, the best for last.

11. Walk like you're the ISH: Cause you are and if you believe it, other people will too and act accordingly. 

What is an ISH? Is that from Dr. Zuess? I feel horrible for this women's daughter. According to her, ISH is whore-ish, needy-ish, submissive-ish, subservient-ish, 50's housewife-ish and her daughter will be fucked-up-ish. Where is Tiger Mom when you need her?

Rhonda Talbot on celebrities advise, raising girls, parenting, mothering and terror.

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