How to Be a Faker

April 8, 2008 at 10:44 am | Posted in bong, How To, King markiV returns | 9 Comments
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After close to two months of being ‘Blog-Dead’, I come up with something that the world could probably live without. Santhosh made a futile push at breathing life with an absolutely boring tag. And since the tag was downright boring, I let it pass. But some day I might use it as an excuse to revive my space, Santhosh. Some day…

Back to the topic here- Fake Smiles. You see them all the time. Meet that school mate who used to drool over your text books? Rushed by the horde of middle aged random people at the cousin’s wedding? Or just signing the cheque at that overpriced eat-out? Its always there. That stretch of the lips that try to say ‘I’m really happy this happened’ but actually scream ‘LOSER’.

And in this world of tradition and niceties learning to be fake is just as important. Quite obviously each smile is unique in its own way. And it goes far beyond just a smile. This post would therefore aim to be a text book on ‘How to Be Fake’, how to handle the pressures it carries, and primarily deal with the process of being fake, further extending into the psychological and philosophical connotations it carries. I have, for the benefit of the practitioner, given a few popular example cases to begin with. However the reader must understand that a complete explanation of all the scenarios involved is beyond the scope of this post.

The first thing that any fake artist must learn is that the aim is not deceit. Most people make out the ‘fakeness’ and feel extremely satisfied that they have broken the ‘fakers’ mask. What they fail to understand is that this is exactly what the faker wants. When you give a fake smile followed by a ‘So nice to see you’ line to that old colleague you hate, you are trying to tell him ‘I hate you and hope you get run over by a truck in the next 2 minutes’. Being fake lets you dispel your thoughts under the blanket of societal decency.

The first and most common faking is with relatives at big family weddings (The stimulus for this post). Girls are experts at this game. This basic game is called ‘Give it Back’. Simply throw a plastered smile on anyone who even makes a chance eye contact. Make sure your eyes are either drugged myopic or strictly unfocused. If you’re practiced enough you could even avoid conversation. Once you notice a return smile quickly turn your focus and try to get as far away from your current position as possible. In the inevitable scene of a conversation try to say something as unintelligent as ‘aathule ellarum sowkyama’ (has your family population decreased since ‘time= n-1’?). Steer clear of any questions relating to their children or children there of. Unless of course you wish to be entertained with stories about how naughty their grand child is or the GRE score of their third daughter who just finished B.E from SVCE.

Another common situation we find ourselves in is chance meetings. Old school mates, colleagues, ex girl friends… Simply put, anybody you would rather not meet on the road. Since decency states that once seen you should make conversation, try to act like you did not see them in the first place. But once caught in the act, the next game you should learn is one called ‘Absolute Mania’. Here all you have to do is make a reason for not opening conversation. Something as simple as ‘Dai, neeya? Adayaalame theriyale da’ (Is this you? I could hardly identify!). Spice it up with a lot of foul language and make it sound natural in excitement (O*** its been such a f***ing long time. How the f*** have you been!). Chances are he/she is around with some respectable person and would want to break away from you as soon as possible. If even that doesn’t work, create a purpose for your existence and use that as an excuse to leave. Remember to take his/her number instead of giving yours and tell them you’d send them your number asap. Don’t.

Professional fakers however are not merely escape artists. Its their line to create situations, start the thread of conversation, accelerate gossip and in general add to the general idiocity of any status gathering. That given, once an interested reader has proven proficiency in the basic games above and their variants, he is ready to move to the next phase- the Fake Ninja.

A fake ninja, like a not-so-fake-ninja lives by the attack-and-escape tactic. A plastered smile is most often sufficient to join any ad-hoc group of maamis and hear in on their discussions. The ninja is always ready for any information and absorbs them for future use. Maamis would ideally be too engrossed in their vambu to even notice a dinosaur, let alone a fake ninja.

Once sufficient knowledge has been obtained it is the task of the fake ninja to dispel this knowledge to other groups of maamis and create political rivalries. At this point the ninja may choose to take sides but the author strictly advices against that in lieu of passing into the next stage.

The final success of a faker is an upgrade to the fake virus status. This might take a few weeks, or perhaps even years of careful practice but most fakers are able to do this in a few hours. At this time the artist simply uses the acquired knowledge from previous maami discussions to string series of people and make them feel totally out of place by pouring them with fake smiles. In cases of extreme age differences or sexual similarities unwarranted hugs and kisses might be used. This may sometimes be a little out of place, but isn’t that the purpose of being fake!

PS: I know my post scripts are in general more popular than my actual posts but if all you can comment lies in this one sentence I’m going to have to redirect all my disclaimers to the actual posts!

PPS: Darn! WordPress doesn’t allow that!

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