Wednesday, September 17, 2014

I Thought I'd Give That New U2 Album In My itunes Library A Listen.

"Just six days after its release on iTunes, a record-breaking 33 million people have already listened to the album." - Eddy Cue, Apple.

"I don't know why I bothered." - Glenn Peters.

Here's what I typed.

The Miracle (Of Joey Ramone)
It starts with one of those everyone with a beard choruses, then The Edge does some bad-up bad-up bad-up business and then we hear Bono sound a hell of a lot like Ian Astbury singing to us about being young or something or rather. "I was young. Not dumb. Something about pilgrims and miracles." I'm thinking about everything other than Joey Ramone in this song. If it was a true tribute to Joey, this dribble would have been finished at two minutes.

Every Breaking Wave.
This sounds like U2 sounding like Coldplay sounding like U2. I love Brian Eno. But he loves both these mobs more. He probably had something to do with this. I'd know for sure but the liner notes PDF won't open on a Macbook. Thanks Apple. You're on top of things. Bono is singing loudly about waves and shores and captains. "Are we so helpless against the tide?" Very Eurovision. I'm not sure if I can make it through this.

California (There is no end to love)
An interesting Eno like voice loop put to a halt by a driving bass line and Bono. They sure pack a lot of sound into these sound files now. 8 megs of drive fast FM radio bombast. This song will be very popular at your local gym.

Song for Someone
"This is a sooooowhowooooahhoahh for someone" It's a song about lights not going out and conversations and stuff. You've heard it lots of times already. The Edge does some guitary things and then goes back to the health retreat.

Iris (Hold Me Close)
Retro U2 sounds. If you still like this band you will probably love this song the first few times you hear it. Then you'll forget it even existed. The Edge plays that riff he used to play back in the 1980s and then goes back to his farm.

Apparently this song and the one before it are inspired by when Bono's mum and grandad died. So you should feel guilty for deleting this album from your iTunes library. Problem is..

"Your eyes were like landing lights,
They used to be the clearest blue, 
Now you don’t see so well
The future’s gonna land on you," 

...aren't really lyrics a human would write.

I don't know why this song exists.

Raised by Wolves
This song is about bombs going off in the streets of Dublin in the 70s and heroin. The band would think that this is a very important song. So would their publicists.

Cedarwood Road
This sounds like a pitch for a new Bond theme but it's not. Bono sings about his teenage years being a war zone. It's all getting loud and serious here in my lounge room. My ears are getting tired from all the shouting.

Sleep Like A Baby Tonight
Another fricken song about growing up in Ireland in the 70s. That's three in a row. "Tomorrow dawns like a suicide" I don't know what that means. The Edge ends this with a big fat guitar solo and then pops down the shops for some cheese for tonight's pasta bake.

This is Where You Can Reach Me Now
Second last bit of bombast. It starts with one of those vocal things the kids love right now where everyone sings together in a barrel choruses, but the everyone singing together in a barrel is just lots of Bonos singing together in a barrel. It's supposed to be a tribute to The Clash but just like the tribute to Joey Ramone, it sounds like a tribute to U2.

Make it end.

The Troubles 
Another reference to Ireland in the 70s but I don't have an idea about what it's about. Something about stepping inside your soul. It's slow. It's loud. And I want it out of my lounge room. I hate this song. I really hate this song. Waiting for the bit when The Edge closes it with a guitar solo. C'mon Edge. Hurry up. There it is. The Edge finishes it with a solo and then calls Carlos Santana for a round of golf.

Now off to itunes, select all and delete.

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