In lesbian relationships, is one partner dominant in bed?

Our sexpert tackles your bedroom conundrums.
John Cuneo

In lesbian relationships, is one partner typically dominant in bed?

I'd like to think that those born under the sign Lesbio (March 23 to August 16 on the Mayan calendar) fall into the same patterns of dominance and submission as the rest of us do. However, warns Claire Cavanah of the New York-based dildo retailer Babeland, "Things are complicated with lesbians." She is by no means exaggerating. "Many of them are butches who are attracted to femmes," explains Felice Newman, author of The Whole Lesbian Sex Book. "But some are butches who are attracted to butches. Some are femmes who are attracted to femmes. And it's not always the butches on top." Essentially, when dealing with lesbians, you can't easily tell which one is the butchier, thus throwing a real wrench into my dinner parties: Which one gets the firm handshake and which one do you kiss on the hand? Look for nonverbal cues: "If I'm a top," says Newman, "and I walk into a bar or a local women's center or the Smith College student union [she said it, not me] and I want to pick up a bottom, I walk in exuding my top energy. I might have a bit of a swagger." You'll see the bottoms respond, she says, with shy glances and smiles and so forth. That is, if you are ever lucky enough to observe lesbians in the wild.

So, occasionally I lose an erection. What's the right thing to say when it happens?

"I'm terribly sorry. Where is the door?" and then get out as swiftly and quietly as possible. But since it's probably very late, and I hope you're at the least very drunk, you'll need to say something pretty debonair to keep the evening from being a total loss. Psychologist and sex therapist Joel D. Block recommends your immediate insistence that it's "not her." Because this sort of mishap is "practically always not personal." Now, I studied a little recursive categorical syntax back in sex-columnist school, so I can say with some assurance that "practically always not" is just a fancy way of saying "usually is," but who am I to argue with a guy who's written four books about screwing? Lonnie Barbach, human-sexuality specialist and author of dozens of books and hypnosis tapes, suggests offering her incentives such as, "Even my soft penis feels great when you touch it." Of all the reasons sex advisors gave for why a healthy man is losing enough erections to seek outside help, I found "tired from a run" to be the funniest, followed by "had a big meal" and "stressed." "Coming down with a mild case of homosexuality" was never mentioned.!

My girlfriend is bothered that my best friend is a woman. Does she have a right to be?

What's all this "right" crap? Is the Ethicist on vacation or something? You're obviously too young to remember, but there was a romantic-comedy film some years back that covered this topic exhaustively. It starred that funny comedian (Billy Crystal? William Kristol?), and all I remember is that everyone dies in the end. It's called Helter Skelter. For clarification on the rightness of it all, I turn to Bonnie Eaker Weil, marital therapist and author of Make Up, Don't Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples, for her actual definition: "My actual definition is: Any time you give more time and energy to someone...other than your partner, it's considered an affair." Moreover, if you do keep this friend woman around, all interaction must be "sanctioned and limited." How to proceed? Kathy Werking, author of We're Just Good Friends: Women and Men in Nonromantic Relationships, has one strategy: "One strategy would be to have the two women get to know each other." What a fantastic idea! They could meet at Sanctioned & Limited Café. If those two still aren't BFF's after that, then something is likely afoot. According to Walid Afifi of the University of California Santa Barbara, "It suggests that your friend is implicitly violating girl rules." Do you know what happens when you implicitly violate girl rules? You have to go to girl court and have a girl trial, and believe me, you don't want to sit through one of those.


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