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Rose in BC

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Posts posted by Rose in BC

  1. We're feeling a bit forlorn today. I can't seem to accomplish anything (well I did clean bathroom).


    My ds visited my adult niece yesterday. For six hours. With his birth sister and her boyfriend. My sister popped in for about half hour to see him.


    My sister called to say he looks fine. He told her " it's weird visiting here without Rose". Seriously he called me Rose to my sister. I'm having a really hard time with that one. I'm trying to remember he's a young kid and that his newly found family was in room but none the less, it hurts.


    Later my niece called me. She said the visit went well. They had arranged to meet in a local park. Was going to invite them over for supper. They were able to have a serious discussion but always with sister and her boyfriend in room. Long story short, my niece is getting a feeling he doesn't want to come back home. (I told her to be honest with me. We've been through so much we're prepared for anything). She doesn't know that, just her gut. (Well he did ask my niece what his legal rights were.) My niece also mentioned that sister seemed balanced and did sometimes side with when he complained about us, she'd back us up as parents making best choices possible.


    My niece actually thinks my son is more interested in relationship with the sister than the mom.


    He will be in same town as my niece for another week he said. They're going to get together again.


    Our circumstances are so difficult. It'd be easy to say make him come home. It would not necessarily be best decision for safety of our family (remember RAD). It's kind of we're damned if we do, damned if we don't situation. (And btw, we couldn't make him. If he doesn't want to, apart from police restraint (which wouldn't improve our relationship), he wouldn't come with us.)


    Couple that with a short video I watched on their FB site, apartment was a huge mess, and dh and I are feeling a bit hopeless.


    And I can see why he's hesitant to move back. He doesn't have a great reputation here, he's struggled with us his whole life....there its a clean slate. A fresh start. (In his mind.)

  2. Thanks for thinking about us. Our boy is still not home but I did have a pretty good conversation with him two nights ago. My favourite line of our talk...."um mom (aka birth mother), my mom wants to know.....". At least he still calls me mom. :)


    He told me he was heading to a town two hours away from where he is with his birth sister. My sister lives there. He did make contact with my niece (his adult cousin) and told her he wanted to visit her. I think this will happen this weekend.


    He has discovered a few family traits including the fact that all his siblings suffer from same stomach issues as he does.


    He had a rip roaring fight with one sister....fighting is his mo for handling stress at our house.


    He told social work he will return in time for school. (He's the only one of my kids not homeschooled.. Well he was until grade 8.)


    So we're hanging in...some days easier than others.

    • Like 11

  3. Thanks for your kind words. I'm not sure I'm handling's so overwhelming its hard to even think it all through.


    We couldn't force him to come home if we wanted me when I say a child with RAD is not your typical child. Plus if we did successfully get him home before he wanted to, our life would be hell....he'd make sure of it. Honestly I've been wondering what life will be like upon his return. Will it be better or will things be worse than before (which is hard to imagine).


    Last night I sent several "I love you and miss you" messages. Today on Facebook birthmother and adult birth sister had posts about how complete their lives are now that he's part of their lives and how much they love him. I almost wondered if he said something positive about us and they were reacting.


    It's painful. And confusing. And honestly we don't always really know what to do. No instruction book with this situation.

  4. No real news except my (adult) niece chatted with him on Facebook yesterday. He told her he'd be going home in a few weeks.


    I had a very busy week which effectively allowed me to bury my head in the sand :). One positive ('cause you have to see the silver lining), we've had a good week with our eldest son who has FASD and a mild intelectual disability. We've had tough days with this boy...different tough days than with our youngest son. Our eldest ds is very attached but his special needs really affect his ability to make good choices. Anyway, he's been home alone with us (dd is on a youth trip) and that's resulted in a pretty good week.


    My struggle right now is wrestling with the thought "could it be better for ds with his birthmother?" Rationally the answer is no, but I can't help but wonder if he has peace with this connection. No real way of knowing for certain because of limited conversations. So my mind plays in overdrive.


    It's still all quite surreal at times.

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  5. Thanks...I'm tired tonight so kind of sad. I look back at our years as his parents and there's so much we cold have done different/better....we really were ignorant to his special needs FASD, RAD, ODD, until very recently. We just kept thinking we had to learn new parenting techniques...we failed him in so many ways.


    But we told him every day that we love him and we're his forever family through thick and thin.


    On a neat side note our dd also adopted, went on a youth trip four provinces over. The group went to do volunteer work. On her first day she texted saying "mom you'll never guess what job I got. Working with FASD adults! I was raised to do this...literally." (We have two FASD kids.). How awesome is her attitude!


    Btw my sisters and best friend agree with your comments that the longer he's the there the more likely he'll get a taste of reality.


    Or maybe he'll love his new reality. :(

    • Like 11

  6. Honestly, I have been through some of this, and it is better for you if he stays longer. The longer it goes, the more he sees how their home really is. He really needs the mental clarity. If he only has fun he won't know how it would be to be there all the time. Maybe he could even notice that even though she bought concert tickets now she can't afford to pay the water bill and its about to be shut off, or whatever. My oldest would always call at the end of the summer with her mom and BEG me to let her stay longer. I figured out that her mom expected her to do it and listened in. But six weeks was enough, when we picked her up she always gave a BIG sigh of relief to be home.

    Hmmm, that makes a lot of sense. That's a good perspective. Thanks.

  7. Hold strong little mama! You are doing great without that manual. You have good instincts, and are listening to your head instead, that is what parenting a RAD child is all about. LOL Know what you know, but don't follow your heart....follow your head. You know if you had a manual, he would find a way to be the outlier anyways. LOL


    Prayers for peaceful dreams for you tonight.


    For him, prayers that he is starting to see the difference in the love that comes from parents that have taken care of him his entire life and the love a bio-parent who just met him. They are both a strong love, but they are very different on so many levels. I hope he is open to seeing that.


    Are you allowing yourself to enjoy the break at least? If nothing else, please take a moment to enjoy going to bed at night, without having to deal with attitude all day long and to wake up in the morning to birds chirping and kids playing.

    Thanks for this awesome post. Follow my head, not heart is the best advice (not easy to do). I chuckled at your comment about not having to deal with his attitude. So true. Of course I do have two other teens including one other FASD boy, who still give me plenty of attitude :). But nothing competes with a RAD child :).

    • Like 1

  8. So I just hung up the phone. Ds called home. I was so happy to hear his voice (conversations thus far were texts).


    He asked me not to book a return flight yet.


    I tried not to sound panicked. I knew bio mom was sitting near him (could hear her).


    He asked how much notice I needed to book a flight. I said a week (which is true because we live In a fairly remote area that's seeing an industrial boom so flights are often full of construction workers.)


    It was such an awkward conversation knowing she was listening in. I just told him we loved him and missed him and that we were happy he was getting to know his birth family.


    There is no procedural manual for this kind of an event.

    • Like 22
    • Sad 1

  9. (((hugs)))


    I have no idea what the right way to handle that would be in your unique circumstances.


    But, my instinct would be to get on the next flight (or drive) and GO GET YOUR SON.


    I'd involve a lawyer immediately, and would use the police to enforce your child to go with you, and would tell them all that I'd put restraining orders prohibiting ANY contact until he is 18 if they don't all cooperate. I'd also get rid of internet and long distance phone access. I guess I'd just freak out.


    I am sure that would not be helpful. ;)


    Stay very busy this week. Go to the movies. Watch a movie marathon. Whatever you can do to keep your mind occupied and your body tired. If you exercise, do lots. If you don't usually exercise, do a little. ;)

    Ha, ha! Those are all the things I'd like to do, but I know my boy and I know that wouldn't help our situation. (My other two kids, absolutely but then they wouldn't have boarded a plane without us in the first place.)


    This child has stretched us in ways i never would have imagined. And we love him so much. ,

    • Like 2

  10. Here's a brief update. He's having fun. And I'm having a hard time not feeling a bit resentful. (I wished you knew me in real life. Neither my dh or I are resentful, bitter kind of people.). I guess I'm feeling like how can we compete? She has him for a week or two and they're doing "cool" things. Tonight they're going to a KISS concert tonight. It's hard not to feel resentful that she can afford tickets but is saddling us with his return flight which will be $400 and we're a single income family.


    He's probably thinking they're cool and we're stick in the muds.


    They posted a "family" photo on Facebook today. He looks happy. I'm happy they get to know each other I guess I just wished it would have played out differently and involved us.

  11. Tons of hugs and love being sent your way. Prayers of safety and clear eyes for him.


    I can't imagine the pain you are going through, but I do agree that you did the best you can for him (and the family) by letting him go. You are very brave and a good mama to see that this is a journey he needs to take and it would have been done with or without your support. I am certain, you making this trip possible for him, is the right thing to do. While you continued to offer him and 'out' all along, you allowed him to board the plane and start taking the steps to meet his bio-family. Good, bad, whatever his experience did the right thing by letting him go. The rage you would have dealt with otherwise, would have been inconceivable and only damaged your family more.


    Prayers and positive thoughts for you and yours,



    Thanks for these kind words.

    • Like 1

  12. What an emotional day. I just said good-bye to my dd who is going on a youth trip for the next two weeks. Of cours that's a great trip for her and we'll see her in a couple of weeks.


    Next good-bye is ds who leaves in a couple of hours. Who knows the outcome of that trip.


    Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers. I need them. I'm feeling very overwhelmed. This morning I'm over thinking things...will she think I've taken good care of "our" son? What will he tell her about us? I think I've recounted everyday of our years together, wishing we'd done some things differently.


    My family is great...all my adult nieces and nephews, along with my sister and her dh are on stand-by.


    What a crazy day.

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    This is the part I can't grasp, he's 15 years old, it is not out of your hands unless a judge orders it and no judge in his right mind would do that. I pray that your son decides not to go, I did something similarly stupid at 15 and it effects me to this day.


    I guess what I mean is we could forbid him from going and then he'd either go anyway (apparently with ID he actually can board plane without our permission,) or he'd stay and be angry with us. And I'm not talking regular teenage anger...I'm talking over board anger that hurts the whole family. We've lived with that for years and won't knowingly put our other children into that circumstance.


    Reactive attachment disorder is out of this world. If you haven't experienced it first hand you can't imagine it. We have been held hostage by this boy's behavior for over a decade. I can't even believe some of the things we have endured and I was part of it.


    It's been a journey, that's for sure.





    It wouldn't be unreasonable at all to insist THEY provide the return ticket BEFORE he leaves. It should not be on you as they are the ones paying to bring him out they should pay to return him. fwiw, I urge you to looking into a condition called Pyroluria and Histadelia (very common with Pyroluria and is a direct known cause of ODD). It sounds like what his mother might have and its genetic, treating that would turn your ODD kid into a sweet loving kid if its the root cause and just might help the RAD thing. I dealt with all that hell until 2 years ago when we found out my dd12 had both, totally different kid now.


    Wow I've never heard of this. I will definitely check into this. Thanks.

  15. Not to sound critical, and I hope it doesn't (I've missed the backstory), is there some reason you can't get on that plane with him? I agree that you can't do anything to stop this from happening, but there's also nothing to stop you from being right there at every possible opportunity. If the moment comes when he can't take it, you could be only a hotel room away rather than 2 1/2 hours or across states. At the same time, if I were in your shoes, I might feel ready to step back a bit from a terribly difficult parenting situation and let things unfold however it goes. That'd be completely understandable.


    Either way, (((hugs))).


    We thought about this but it isn't easy for us to do this a) the flight is around $800 per person, the hotel probably $200 a night (major tourist city), B) our dd is leaving for a youth trip this week too and we need to be here to get her ready for this half way across Canada trip, and c) we have another special needs boy we can't leave home alone and is difficult to travel with.


    We had offered to drive him there at a bit later date but that wasn't good enough.


    As it is this will hit us financially because we have to buy the return ticket.





    That right there tells you she has NO PLANS to send him back, this is not going to look good on you that you allowed him to go with only a 1 way ticket when it ends up in court, it makes it look like you intended for him to go live with his birth family.



    I doubt it will end up in court because she wouldn't have the financial means for a lawsuit. Honestly, she barely has financial means to feed him. But if she did, social services told us that given my ds age, judge would take in to account his wishes.


    My sister lives within two hours. They will get him at the drop of a hat. I have some business acquaintances in same city who have also offered to help and could respond within minutes and keep him until family arrives.

  17. :grouphug: Have been wondering how things were going for you and DS. Hoping that this turns into a positive in some way. And hoping that there is a clear and comfortable plan for purchasing that return ticket.


    One small thing... very small, and it might not apply, since it is from my experience with a non-RAD kid... DSS would often get crabby and irritable before going to see his biomom. He would misbehave and pick arguments. Our family therapist explained that it was easier to leave mad, than to just leave. Does that make sense? So if DS is irritable and picking arguments, and things are not rosy, that might be part of the reason. For our non-RAD kid, we waited for a moment when he was not upset and talked to him in a general way about it, not really putting the onus on him, but in a general sort of way. He got it pretty quickly, as he was fairly emotionally astute. I'm not sure you have time for that conversation, or that it would be appropriate right now, but thought that it might help you not to take things personally while he is stressed and getting ready to go. He may be trying to create a situation in which leaving is preferable to staying. You probably know that already, though. :)



    Yes I think that is what is happening. That and I honestly think he might be not wanting to go but won't admit that. I told him he could change his mind. "You'd love that, bleep, bleep, bleep," was his response. (RAD is very difficult....when he's raging he curses up a storm ...and neither my dh or I are cursers. It's very hurtful.)

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