Exes and Why I Suck at Dating 1/2

Why? Oh god why? Why would I choose such a gruesome, horrendous topic of all things in the world? I mean people don't usually talk about exes openly, do they? And yet, they are such great motivation for us. I know a girl who is so hell-bent on showing her ex how happy her married life is that once she compared her husband's egg curry (I mean he cooked the curry, the eggs didn't come out of his body.) with true love. How do I know this? Come on, she declared it on Facebook. Now are you getting why Facebook arises the serial killer in me?

Disclaimer: Not all the people I mentioned here are my exes. Only three of them I actually dated seriously. Rest of the people came up because I needed the post to be long enough and well, I just love bitching about people on my blog. And asshole men provide such good content.

For me, my exes ARE my motivation. Had it not been for them I would have never known what I want or do not want in a relationship. Or I would never be able to appreciate my independence so much. Honestly, you need to dip your nose inside a rotten manhole first in order to enjoy fresh air. And fortunately, I have dipped my nose in not one, not two, but multiple manholes. I am a manhole expert you can say. Now usually in India women will never declare that they have had several relationships. I mean even those fuckall celebrities act like they are all brothers and sisters. I don't have much respect for our celebs but I know why the mango people, the mango women like me or my friend, or the girl who lives below my flat feel so self-conscious when it comes to our love life. I have first-hand experience. I dated a manchild who told me that a girl who had had more than one boyfriend should never be trusted; because it's the pattern of her character that she would get involved in infidelity. Bottom-line? Virginity and at what age you lost it should be the ultimate yardstick to define your life path. Now as per my douche ex's standard I am quite a whore. Because not only did I have more than one boyfriend I am quite used to of loitering around with men. OF ALL AGE. And here is a trivia. Except for those obscure north-eastern states I have been hit on by at least one man from each state of India. Getting hit on by men is nothing new for us women because men are practically bastards and most of them have no sense of boundary irrespective of their age, status and education. After all, we live in a society where the men get brainwashed into thinking that they are entitled to almost anything they desire from their infancy. I blame the fucking mothers. You know why? That same ex's mother once told me very proudly that her daughter-in-law must always remain fit as fiddle in order to ensure her son's well-being. No wonder the son had such 'progressive' view about women. He also complained once that I was apparently very bitchy about my fellow women. I was like, no all three of my best friends are girls etc. His response was, oh but except for those three you hate everyone else (read, my mother). Well that time I was too flabbergasted to respond to such ridiculous statement. But had it been now I would have asked him to love all mothers in the world equally instead of being so obsessed with his own mother.

I dated this one guy from Andhra Pradesh who was another type of psycho. He had broken up with me because he was not ready for commitment but then he would keep popping up like that annoying "local sluts looking to fuck" ad every now and then to check up on me. Every time he would hope that I was finally ready to fool around with him. It would be extremely mentally taxing for me and yet I would always let him talk with me. For three fucking years! Why? Because I too am a psycho with a huge passive aggressive nature. I sit back, let people have their way, and then feel angry for having taken advantage of. God help the man who finally ends up with me.

Then there was this guy who was a college crush but later got so friendzoned that I had nothing but fuzzy, platonic feeling for him. He was a good man, unlike the first two douchebags I just mentioned, and yet his obsession had reached such a level that he was after me for seven damn years. After a while I got so tired of telling him no that I just took a fuck-this-shit attitude about him. I am sorry guys, but when will you ever learn to take NO for a fucking answer? There was another college guy who agreed to date me on one condition. That any day he might go back to his ex who had cheated on him and dumped him. Now I have no idea why I actually put up with him for a year. Not only was he fucking ugly, he was a megalomaniac asshole. I guess I seek trouble in order to keep my life interesting. Nowadays he has become fatter and uglier and got himself a girl via arranged marriage. Last time I talked to him he was getting dumped by his third girlfriend. I am a sadist, aren't I? *evil grin*

I have a REALLY shitty memory so I forget about almost 70% of the sample set. I once mentioned on this very blog that how I mistook one guy for another when he pinged me after two years and it took me almost a month to realise my mistake. I also couldn't recall another guy's name for six whole months despite my mother's several clues. Oh he was X's cousin! Oh he went to the US to study! Oh he was Y's neighbour! I was like, yes ma I can picture his face vaguely but not his name. (FYI, we never dated but he basically used to hit on every girl he knew. Smart guy.) My mother: Oh god is she MY daughter? I know ma, I am the baddest girl in the whole damn town...

Now there are tons of other guys whom I could mention but then the post would get really long and that too for no reason. What's the point of mentioning a huge pile of garbage anyway. Apart from being passive aggressive I have another habit of mindfucking people with poker face on. So there would be many many such guys who fell into my trap. However, I am not at all apologetic about it. As I said before, most men are such douchebags that they never really care about the woman's opinion. They do not care if you are interested or not. They would chase you and pester you anyway. And in such cases my psychopath sadist mode gets turned on. Huh, you thought I would be on victim mode crying foul about guys screwing me over? Well, screw you. I am not some larger-than-life delicate damsel in distress; I never was. That's the whole point actually. Even my exes I mentioned above were actually not so bleak characters. They were smart, funny, compassionate, kind. I mean why would I fall for them to begin with? You cannot categorise people into black and white just like that. Life is hardly that simple.

And yet, there were some whose balls should be ripped off to make kebabs and fed to the dogs. But even the dogs wouldn't touch that shit. Two such people would be X and Y. Both were married, with kids. I have one word for them. Motherfucker. I just hope your daughters never face such creepy fucks when they grow up. And that's why I say that just because god has given you genitalia, not everyone should be allowed to procreate. Then there was this IAF guy who was downright stupid and a cheap showoff. I say that there are some people you just feel like beating the crap out of for no serious reason. He was one such guy. Then the ex-army dude who was an epitome of desperate psycho creep. I mean have some respect for your profession dude. But you know when your brain is in your dick it doesn't matter if you are a Major or a pimp.

To be continued