Monday, September 7, 2009

Nightmare on Caroline Street: Worst. Wedding Toast. Ever.

Mortified (adj)

synonyms: ashamed, embarrassed, humiliated, horrified

I'll be sharing photos and stories from my sister's (beautiful) wedding this week, but I thought perhaps I'd share the final, culminating moment that forced me to become fast friends with the reception's bar tender.

My mom nagged me all last week about writing a speech to toast my sister at the wedding last night.

Foreshadowing myself, I told her that I didn't think it would be a good idea. I couldn't think of anything to say. The last thing I want is 200 people staring at me in my Dolly Parton hairdo and hideous unattractiveness in my bridesmaid dress. Plus, I just didn't want to.

By the time yesterday morning rolled around, my mom had done a masterful job at creating an intricate tapestry of guilt that she laid on top of my head like an old, stuffy wool blanket. As the other bridesmaids lounged around in my sister's hotel suite painting their nails and applying the perfect shade of eye shadow, I hastily composed a speech.

Yes, that is duct tape on the back. The paper ripped as I was folding it, and duct tape was all the hotel had on hand at the moment. Don't judge me.

The nightmare wasn't in the composition. It was actually a pleasant mix of a few humorous, little-known facts about my sister that made the crowd laugh and some sweet thoughts at the end for some sentiment.

The nightmare was in the presentation.

Exhibit A:
The Best Man was first up, as the crowd of 200 gathered round on the dance floor with their drinks. The Maid of Honor and I stood behind him, clutching our champagne glasses and nervously glancing over at the bride and groom.

I noticed Natalie standing at the edge of the crowd as the Best Man spoke. I also noticed that she didn't seem to be near any family members, but I decided to focus on the toast instead.

Just as I was about to pass out from nerves, the Best Man finished his (thoughtful and well presented) speech and it was my turn.

I took a deep breath, placed my glass on the table, and began to speak.

I was about third of the way through my toast when I noticed a small flash of white darting in and out of my field of vision.

It was very close.

When I felt a small burst of wind, I realized that not only had Natalie escaped from the edges of the crowd, but she was behind me, dancing around and flipping the skirt of my dress around. I pray to God that the Master of Ceremonies, who was standing behind me, did not get a glimpse of anything under that dress. He'd be scarred for life.

Shrugging it off, I kept talking and tried to swat at her a bit, the way one would shoo away a pesky fly. Mentally begging some member of my family to save me from the impending horror that was soon to befall me, I forged ahead.

I've done some public speaking before, and I prefer to give the illusion of speaking extemporaneously, rather than reading straight from a paper. I had the speech dangling from one hand as I spoke when I felt it snatched from my hand.

I looked down in horror to see Natalie disappear under the table and roll around. I frantically wished that one of the groomsmen in uniform would threaten her with a saber, but no one came to my aid.

Sheer mortification kept me from expressing the absolute rage I felt at that point. I had a vague recollection of what the last few thoughts of my speech were, so I winged that last bit, adding something about wishing them "a million happy little moments...that don't include her" (gesturing under the table).

As the crowd laughed, I downed that glass of champagne as quickly as humanly possible.

When I looked up, Natalie was conspicuously absent, and I have since been informed that T hauled her off to the back of the dining room for a spanking and a stern talking to.

I don't think I'll be invited to do another wedding toast any time soon, and I'm actually fine with that. After the girls went home with T, I met my friend "Tom Collins" at the bar, but no amount of mixed drinks can erase the indignity I suffered.

Next time, I'll use the duct tape to strap a certain 3 year old to a chair instead of mending my torn speech.

If you'd like to hear about more ways my children embarrassed me yesterday, please stay tuned, as I'll be sharing more stories for you to have a laugh at my expense this week.

On another note: My next Decorating Dilemmas Party will be up tomorrow (Tuesday) night after 10 pm.

The last one was a blast with a very good turn out. There will be another prize!

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  1. Oh you poor thing!!! :( It sounds like the crowd still loved it though? Right? :) And there is an about me silly! It is right in the middle of the top menu called "The Baker." Let me know if you don't find it!

  2. Oh Amanda...that is priceless! I'm sorry...but really it will be one of those "memorable moments" about this day! I bet you were more embarrassed than you needed to be...most people probably didn't notice very much!

    I do feel your pain though...I have a Monkey who frequently causes me great embarrassment!

    I can't believe DD is here again...I haven't done a thing with my porch yet!

  3. Sorry to hear that the toast didn't go as smoothly as you'd hoped! I feel your pain. At my sister's wedding, I started walking down the aisle and tripped over my dress. And it's all on video, of course.

    I'll be back for the Decorating Dilemmas party!

  4. Oh, I actually imagined worse things when I saw the title.......I'm sorry your progeny purloined the 'portant paper that contained your speech...but in my mind you masterfully craft an adlib speech that is amazing...just saying. ;)


  5. you know, your toast was probably the highlight of the reception...what people will remember for years...and come :) ...too funny :)

  6. Oh no! I did have to laugh just a little. I think I would have died!

  7. As someone who was actually there - I can honestly say that you did NOT embellish this story at all. I was laughing out loud reading this:-)

  8. Oh Amanda, thanks for the smile and laughs!!


  9. ooooh, A. that's the stuff that made "america's funniest home videos" such a hit for so long! you'll laugh at this _____ years from now. :)) you have such a way with words. i'm sure it was ok. oh, natalie. you'll get your payback at your wedding one day!

  10. Woooow!!! I'm sorry to laugh at your moment of horror but it made for a great laugh. Hope the rest of the evening wasn't so bad.

  11. OMG, that is hilarious! I'm sure it will be forever known as one of the memorable moments of the reception. At least she didn't pull on your dress and rip the skirt off leaving you standing there in your unmentionables. Think how much worse it could have been and be glad it wasn't!

  12. really had me lol!! Not at you, but more that I so can relate...remember, I have 5 kids! I know exactly how you were feeling and could see something like this happening to me! I am sure though the speech turned out great! Thanks for sharing.

    Hugs to you friend,

  13. Oh've brought a smile to my face for the first time on this long, dreary day. :-)
    I'm sure your speech was received much better than you felt it was delivered and although your little one proceeded to terrorize you during this critical moment I was a bit relieved that she didn't run outside and get lost as I was afraid that's where your story was headed.
    Hope your weekend involves no beauticians, uncomfortable dresses and NO public speaking. I can't stand it either and I have to do it a lot at work.

  14. You poor thing but it sounds like you winged it perfectly after some little thief thought your piece of paper was meant for her. Where were all those other family members that was suppose to be helping you...probably entertaing Tom before you got to him or them as the case may be.

    Natalie was beautiful in her dress. Can't wait to see you.




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