Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Mid-summer rain

I knew it without even saying. Smile was a common thing when we are on the phone talking. The rain would not come or go. It would always be there. It always stayed.

“Is it raining there?’

“Yes it is…heavily! Can you hear?”

“Yes I can. I wish…” he liked the soft corners of my silence that particularly came with the incomplete lines.

In the silence minds only whispered:

‘I know it’s sunny there.’

Did you think, but I knew only he could lie to me decently.

He whispers louder than me though:

‘I am all sticky and lying in the bed. It is hot like never before. But you always remind me of rain. A rain that is never there.’

The little whispers and little joys is all what we want.

Another mid-summer Tuesday, 2010.

"Is it raining there?"

"Very much! I am on the terrace all wet."

"I wish….."

We enjoyed it. The silence and the delusion called rain that we shared consciously. Yet the predictability remained the most enjoyed.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

My suicide note

I don’t believe in the word ‘goodbye’ and cannot relate the word ‘end’ to death. So to me the word ‘death’ has no synonym. It was not long before I died that I had written the suicide note. If I remember it was just two days before it all happened. Why I say this is because my suicide notes do not live long. But for the first time it did when I addressed it to him. Have I not told you how I secretly wish to die on a day when it’s raining? Like my birth, let my death be on a rainy day. This I could chose unlike the other.

That day I asked him “do you by any chance feel this is going to be the end of world?’

I heard him laugh honestly as I stared into the raining sky. After a long pause he told me in a rather serious tone “yes, I do feel it sometimes”.

It was little of the answer which left me without a clue to wonder. Let that be. I was only running, distracting myself from thoughts of the ever-tempting death. Was I depressed? Was I foolish? I never knew. I only knew that had I waited for another rainy day it could be a year and even years. Wouldn’t that be late? Rather too late?

What can I leave behind? Memories? A blog? Some photographs? Some cookery books? A collection of body creams? Rotten vegetables in the fridge? Some dirty clothes to wash? Some sandals? What? What in fact will I leave behind? Nothing worth anything. Haha! One last laugh at myself.

I went home that evening called up mom over the phone, cooked him a decent dinner, changed myself to my favorite dress, combed my hair neatly, rubbed some fruit smelling cream on to my body, kissed him goodnight and went to bed in peace. I never woke up then.

Now that I am no more, all I wish to say is that death is not as easy as I thought it would be. And did I think it would be an end to everything?

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Just rain and me

I think somebody up there took my post 'Adieu to you my hopes' way too seriously. I am being gifted with continuous rain. Otherwise how could this be a record rain in UAE?

Sunday, January 13, 2008

The last monopoly

‘Let me win the monopoly and then I shall…’ left there incomplete, he moved away.

Those were the last words I heard from him. What was monopoly? Was it the same game? Or was it what I learned in school in one of those economics classes-‘Monopoly refers to a market situation where there is only one seller’. Or was it anything else that I didn’t know. He left it there, then. Why? What did he mean anyway? What was after ‘then I shall’?

Was winning monopoly more important than me? Was winning monopoly meant to be winning money? Lots and lots of money? Was it why he went to the gambling bar on Saturday nights? But then I never once saw him drunk or a loser. He was always a winner in my eyes. Could it be any less?

Why did you leave me with so many questions to answer myself? Why didn’t you turn back to complete the line you started? Why didn’t you appear again? Jail-Is that where you went?

Why did I stand still and not ask? Why did I let go myself when I saw everything of me go away with him?

It was only a dream. There was nothing more that I could do this morning but to smile to myself thinking of how and why did monopoly remain in my sub-conscious mind?

Who wanted to win? What was monopoly? Was it the game I knew or was it what I once learned in school?

‘Monopoly is a market situation where there is only one seller.’

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Adieu to you my hopes

I often wonder if ‘goodbyes’ were meant to be forever. It is just another easy word to say if you don’t mean it. I never meant it too. And when I wanted to I did never use the word. Goodbye always happened without a second look or a last word to me.

I would count numbers to put off emotions and more often tears. That is nothing but a practice to control temper I know. But see that’s how differently it works out for different people. I was no different though. Tears deceived. Always! I have smiled sensibly when he told me how amazed he was to see my innocence.

He was good at mathematics. Probably is. I was not. I am not. So what? What does mathematics has to do with my innocence, I would ask with all the innocence to spare in me. It wouldn’t take long to see fat crystal drops in my eyes then. As sensitive I was like a new born baby’s transparent skin. Light pink and the green veins underneath it.

Goodbyes! Goodbyes! Goodbyes! I shouldn’t be moving out of the matter. But then that’s how it is isn’t it. We all have a lot to say. And so less of time. Only a life time! ‘Adieu to you my innocence’-Let that be a story for another day.

Three days back I bid goodbye to a hope I have been cherishing for years. A hope for a satisfying downpour. Was that too much to hope? That morning it drizzled temptingly, reminding me of the curse this land would never be free from. There is nothing better to believe anyway. All the deserts in the world the same!

That goodbye short lived. Did I mean it then? Once again it was cloudy early this morning. I felt myself hoping for something more than the usual, knowing a curse is a curse. And more than anything else knowing a belief is a belief, I hoped.