March 10th, 2007

But What If?

But what if we're wrong about Global Warming?

OK, I know nothing- I failed my science 'O' levels- but there was this programme on Channel 4 the other night, packed full of real scientists- one of whom looked remarkably like W.H. Auden- all protesting that they weren't in the pay of the oil companies and Al Gore has got it completely, catastrophically wrong.

The case is very simple.

A. Global Warming isn't caused by CO2
B. And even if it was, the amount of CO2 emitted by our machines is miniscule compared to the amount being churned out by volcanoes, farting sheep, rotting leaves and the slowly festering sea.

To be honest, I've always been a mite sceptical. As someone who takes more of an interest in history and prehistory than the average politician, I've noticed that it's quite normal for Earth's climate to veer about from extreme to extreme. For instance, we enjoyed a lovely warm spell in the late Middle Ages- when vinyards flourished in the north of England- followed by a long cold snap- when the Thames froze over and we held frost fairs on the ice. None of this weird weather had anything to do with us and none of it brought about The End Of Civilisation As We Know It. Human beings are very adaptable. If we weren't we wouldn't have managed to colonise our planet from Alaska to Papua New Guinea. We rise to challenges and make the best of them. 

 Yay, Chateau Huddersfield! Yay, Frost Fairs!

So what if Global Warming is just a media-driven, government-sponsored, old-mill-burning, millennarian panic?

Well- apart from it being another entry in the catalogue of human idiocy- there'll be consequences, bad consequences. The Third World needs to industrialise and the First World (nobly planting trees to off-set all those holiday air-miles) is going to be doing its preachy best  to stop it-  thus perpetuating the age-old cycle of poverty, disease and preventable death. 

Not funny at all. 

But Global warming is really happening?  Yes.

What's causing it ?  Well, I can't believe you haven't noticed, but there's this big, hot, yellow thing up there in the sky and its behaviour is extremely erratic...





The secret is there is no secret.

What do men want? What do women want?

Quien sabe?


                   In comes Time

To sweep away the derelict flirts

With his besom broom. And what do they know?


Glitter and shadow.


                             It was so fine                 

To be looking down from the balcony.

Our men had reputations so

They muffled their faces.


                                      Feminine smiles

And laughter: they are sinister

And damn attractive.  Even the toothless

Laughter of crones is so damn attractive.