Intermediate Diocesan Semi-Deacon

Vestments: Burlap chasuble, rustic shepherd’s crook (bark on), “boots with the fur”
Responsibilities: Oversees the folding of church newsletters, sanitizes organ
Superpowers: Can change wine back into water if priest gets carried away

Sub-Parochial Pseudo-Vicar

Vestments: Leopard print dalmatic, cheesecloth veil, fingerless leather gloves
Responsibilities: Vacuums parish van, downloads homilies, recycling
Superpowers: Can light candles just by looking at them

Junior Monsignor

Vestments: Pleated Dockers, Polo shirt, crown of thorns
Responsibilities: Pew reservations, picket sign construction, salting of handicap ramp
Superpowers: Can sleep in the genuflecting position

Lay Ecclesial Arch-Cardinal

Vestments: Suede stole, horsehair cincture, Reebok sneakers, and colonial tri-corner hat
Responsibilities: Butter clarification, veterinary exorcisms, keeping an eye on the gold
Superpowers: Silence


Vestments: Denim cassock, straw mitre, Silly Bandz
Responsibilities: Ash Wednesday explanations, apologizing
Superpowers: Can extinguish candles just by looking at them

Power Abbot

Vestments: Mesh breakaway robe, consecrated Under Armour®
Responsibilities: Rebounding (offensive and defensive), leading by example
Superpowers: Mid-range jump shot, windmill dunk

Subterranean Prelate

Vestments: Threadbare jeans, snap-button Western shirt, horn-rimmed glasses
Responsibilities: Ministering to beatniks, updating papal iPod
Superpowers: The ability to feign appreciation for Woody Guthrie

Undercover Nuncio

Vestments: Lace surplice, silk maniple, oversized rosary, high mass humeral veil, ivory processional crucifix, porcelain espresso cup, fake mustache, Ray Ban Wayfarers®
Responsibilities: Protestant recruitment, putting out the vibe
Superpowers: Moog synthesizer

The Bestest Prefect in the Whole Wide World

Vestments: Name tag, framed certificate, satin sash
Responsibilities: Promoting breast cancer awareness, waving
Superpowers: Enunciation, roman numerals

Short Order Franciscan Tertiary

Vestments: Whatever you’re not wearing/nothing
Responsibilities: Chanting, fixing breakfast
Superpowers: Fish and loaf multiplication, egg subtraction, pork chop calculus

Mother Inferior

Vestments: Hand-me-down habit, orthopedic shoes, adult diaper
Responsibilities: Gargoyle maintenance
Superpowers: Nun (Get it?)

Temporary Templar

Vestments: Chain mail tunic, sword, shield, gauntlets, footy pajamas
Responsibilities: Self-flagellation, self-immolation, stocking Vatican gift shop
Superpowers: Celebrity impressions, flying

Apostolic Proxy

*Vestments: Camel hides, sweatpants, black collar (to denote unintentional celibacy)
*Responsibilities: Supervising the management of whoever is presiding over the observation of the communion wafers prior to transmogrification
*Superpowers: Cheering up lepers

Altar Teen

Vestments: Same as altar boy, worn against will
Responsibilities: Same as altar boy, performed against will
Superpowers: Rationality, sarcasm