Saturday, June 11, 2016

Donald Trump asked Tom Brady to speak for him at the republican convention. This will be a real test for Brady. If he can deflate Trump’s ego, he can deflate anything.

On a morning TV talk show, the host accidentally made a sand castle tower that looked exactly like aroused male genitalia. He realized his mistake when he said, “Oh, no I made a little Donald Trump.” 

When she divorced Johnny Depp three days after his mother died, Amber Heard demanded spousal support of $50,000 a month, but now she is saying money is her least concern. And by least concern she means she is lying. 

Good People - Jack Johnson - With Lyrics

When on fleek is what you seek, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Roseanne Barr has endorsed Donald Trump. That is utterly amazing. Roseanne Barr is still alive? 

There is a dating site for Trump supporters called Because sometimes wanting to screw the country just isn’t enough. 

Tiny hands accepted. 

Details are emerging about Trump University. Did you know you could Major in Douche Baggery with a minor in A-Holery?  

Ann Coulter wrote an essay defending Donald Trump against racism. That’s like Bernie Madoff defending Charles Ponzi of the Ponzi scheme.  

A 48-year-old Bronx hospital worker was found dead at work of a heart attack while masturbating. Getting devoured by wolves is now officially the second worst to die. 

Southern Cal had an earthquake Thursday night. It was pretty strong, people were shaking like someone trying to get a job with a degree from Trump University. 

A 48-year-old Bronx hospital worker was found dead at work after having a heart attack while masturbating. Funeral services will be on Sunday provided they can get the casket lid shut by then. 

“Forbes” has ranked Hillary Clinton the second most powerful woman behind Angela Merkel, Chancellor of Germany. “Did they even look at my resume?” Asked Caitlyn Jenner. 

Imprisoned former Subway spokesperson, Jared Fogel’s appeal of his child sex sentence was rejected. This was also the first time the word appeal and Jared Fogel have appeared together. 

NBC News reports there were over 200 liens against Donald Trump for unpaid construction jobs. Turns out Trump put the lie in lien. 

Donald Trump told the Christian right he is their guy. Which is suspicious because, based on all the money Trump owes laborers, he would have stiffed Jesus for his carpentry work. 

Since you asked:

Went to my daughter’s Torrey Pines High School graduation and it was wonderful. Beautiful day. Well organized ceremony. Not too long. Great speeches. Good music. Saw great friends. I was so proud of my wonderful daughter, Ann Caroline, I could have exploded. 

That’s the good news.

A while ago I went to a Jack Johnson concert - he was beyond fantastic - and I was in the older category of that much-younger demographic. Here is my question: 

When did people become so god damn awful? 

Talking loudly during the concert and ceremony. Standing up and blocking everyone’s view behind them while recording it with their iPad or iPhone. Wandering in late. 

When I got dressed for graduation, I was worried I would be underdressed. (And believe me, I am not known for my sartorial splendor) But I wore a nice dress shirt, good blue jeans, dress shoes and a jacket. Thought about wearing a tie, but only for a split second. 

Good thing.

If I had worn a tie I would have been the only one of about four men who did and the only one under the age of 65.  (One guy wore a suit and that is because he came from his law office) Most men had nice shirts and dress pants, but the apparel for way too many guys was t-shirts, shorts and sandals. (As usual, the women looked much, much better than the men) 

People put out towels on the stadium seats to reserve dozens of seats for people who shamelessly wandered in ten minutes late. 

At a distance, I was watching in high amusement a young man and woman who were standing right in the middle of narrow walkway at the top of the stadium many people were trying to walk through. They looked genuinely annoyed each time someone asked them to move so they could pass by. They took obliviousness to a new level. 

To my right, there were two high school girls fully versed in the old school of Valley-girl/moron-speak who yammered loudly the entire ceremony. People repeatedly asked them to be quiet - not me, I knew there was no hope to shut them up. And I did not want to be “that angry guy” during my daughter’s graduation - but they just kept talking. 

These two 17-year-old-ish girls truly did not care at all that the people around them were upset to the point of being angry. (Personally, I gave them dirty looks that will alter their DNA. Their children will be affected by my glaring at them if, god forbid, they have rude little spawn)

When we were driving out of the parking lot, people walking down the middle of the parking lot aisle were utterly obvious to the cars behind them waiting to pass. And then when they did see the cars, they looked genuinely put out they had to walk four feet to one side to get out of the way. 

My proudest trait is my judge of character. My greatest blessing are the people I call friends. They are amazing, I am wholly undeserving of such wonderful friends and my affection for them is deep and abiding. I love them. 

But if I don’t like someone - almost always due to their being rude and snotty - I despise them. 

This inability to suffer snots has been a problem in forced social gatherings, specifically soccer games, because I cannot hide my contempt for humorless a-holes. We had one dad of a sweet girl on my daughter's soccer team who was the single most unifying factor of all the parents on the team. Everyone hated him. He was impossible to like. (In fairness he did not like me at all either. He had no sense of humor so he could not figure out why everyone else thought I was so funny) 

My wife is/was friends with a certified crazy woman she used to work with - clearly I am not a big fan - who was married to a shifty weasel named Mike. My wife said, “Marilynn said Mike thinks you don’t like him.” All I could say was, “Mike is right.” 

Not to toot - or tout - my judgment horn, but Mike ended up having an affair, getting divorced and driving them bankrupt in legal fees in the nastiest divorce this side of Hollywood. The kind of ugly divorce where they both use their poor, emotionally scarred, messed-up, bed-wetting, tantrum-throwing, social outcast children to get back at each other. 

The plain fact is, for someone who purports to want to make people laugh and feel good for a living, I do not like most people all that much. 

Folks, you wonder who is voting for Donald Trump? It is those people who spread out blankets to reserve seats for their equally rude and tardy friends. It is the guys in shorts and sandals at a graduation, wedding or, yes, funeral. It is the people who talk loudly on their phones during concerts, grocery stores and ceremonies. Speaking of grocery stores, it is the people with 25 items in the 15 or less line. It is the people who text and drive. Park in red zones. The air-ragers who have security escort them from airplanes. The customers yelling at the Starbucks baristas. 

In short, the assholes. And they are plentiful. 

Speaking of people I do not like:

As I mentioned, Roseanne Barr has endorsed Donald Trump. The list of celebrities who endorse Trump is the official Washed-Up A-Hole list: Roseanne Barr, Sarah Palin, Caitlyn Jenner, Scott Biao, Ted Nugent, Steven Seagal, Hulk Hogan, Mike Tyson, Billy Baldwin, Gary Busey. (How is OJ Simpson not on this list?) 

Donald Trump has officially become an A-Hole magnet. 

Cue: Jack Johnson’s “Where Have the Good People Gone?” 

Friday, June 10, 2016

The Rolling Stones are coming to Vegas!

How cool are the Rolling Stones? Seriously, what would we have done without them? 

Thursday, June 09, 2016

Isn't this the guy, John Oliver, who was ragging on Budweiser beer and Miller Genuine Draft? Here he is chugging a Bud Light Lime. 

A Bud Light Lime. 

Wednesday, June 08, 2016

There is an app that allows you to rent hotel rooms by the hour. The app is called Recharge. Because the name Quicken was already taken.

There is an app that allows you to rent hotel rooms by the hour. Good news for the guy who has to clean the bathroom at Starbucks.

On “So You Think You Can Dance” Paula Abdul had a young contestant throw up on her. Paula said the experience was still better than siting next to Simon Cowell.

Paul Ryan called Trump’s attacks on the judge racist but he still endorses him. Ryan thought Trump’s remarks were only Paula Deen racist, not Donald Sterling or Mel Gibson racist. 

Florida police found an alligator holding a body that was missing an arm and a leg.  Either the alligator ate the limbs or he had just paid to go to Disney World.

Experts say somebody had tried to give him a hand, but by then he was hopping mad. 

Police would not speculate as to what happened. They did not want to go out on a limb. 

A man identified the body as his brother, but after a closer look called him his half-brother. 

The body was not considered dangerous. He was unarmed. 

Doctor-assisted dying is about to be legal in Canada. It will come in handy when all of us Americans move up to Canada after Trump is elected. 

Snoop Dog threw out the first pitch at the San Diego Padres game. His pitch was high and outside. Just like Snoop Dog.

In an interview with “The Telegraph,” Actress Kim Catrell revealed her lifelong battle with insomnia. Or something like that, I feel asleep reading it. 

Having insomnia. This so Samantha. 

Florida police found an alligator holding a man’s body. Or as they call that in Florida: a really bad Tinder date. 

Florida police found an alligator holding a man’s body, a body missing an arm and a leg. The alligator was immediately treated for a meth overdose.

Tuesday, June 07, 2016

How to piss off your liberal and conservative friends in two jokes:

Hillary Clinton took flak for giving a speech on economic inequality while wearing a $12,000 Armani jacket. Look for Hillary’s next speech on global warming from her private jet.

Donald Trump denies his comments about the judge were racist. When told saying someone is not capable of doing their job due to their heritage is racist, Trump said, “Oh, well, OK. Than it was racist.”

The CDC reports US obesity is at an all time high. What a shocking report just four days after National Donut Day. 

The CDC reports US obesity is at an all time high. When he heard this, Chris Christie was so shocked he dropped his ham leg. 

Burger King has merged their Whopper with a burrito calling it the Whopperrito.  Much better name than the working title: the Spiraling Depression Food Tube.  

The CDC reports US obesity is at an all time high. People were so shocked by this they dropped their new Burger King Whopperritos.

With the passing of Muhammad Ali, people are reminiscing about his fights. The Thrilla in Manilla. The Fight of the Century, the Rumble in the Jungle, and less popular London fight, the So-So in Soho. 

In Florida, police discovered an alligator holding a human body in its mouth. The body was missing an arm and a leg. So authorities are assuming that was one expensive alligator ride. 

Led Zeppelin - Battle of Evermore

Remember spring afternoons sitting on the back of my parents couch facing the wall cabinet where the stereo was and studying this album's jacket. This song, with the cool hippy chick harmonizing and the mystic mandolins, seemed to be forecasting that there was a wild and exciting world out there. 

Swanky, swenky, stinky on the danky, dinky, finky, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A former NFL punter and fitness guru, Steve Weatherford, claims he was kicked out of a Planet Fitness for grunting too hard. Its the same reason they kicked Chris Christy out of a Chipotle bathroom. 

A man in prison claims he was not only adopted by Prince, but Prince left him $7 mil. in a will. Yeah. Nice try O.J. Simpson. Stick with finding the real killers. 

Sunday, June 05, 2016

Ball, get out my nachos, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Denver Bronco Aqib Talib was shot in the leg at a Dallas nightclub. If I did not know better, I would swear nightclubs cause problems for NFL players.

A “TMZ” poll of over 90,000, 75% believe Amber Heard is lying about Johnny Depp. No joke, I just love these results. 

The San Jose Sharks win a game to bring the NHL finals to 2-1 for the Pittsburgh Penguins. There are some impressive beards in these NHL finals. Have not seen beards like this since Caitlyn Jenner was married. 

Muhammad Ali will be memorialized in Louisville. There is debate about the correct way to pronounce the capital of Kentucky. Is it Louie-ville or Lou-ah-vul? It's Frankfort. 

Hillary Clinton’s brother-in-law, Roger Clinton, was arrested for DUI in California, where Hillary is campaigning. Roger asked Hillary to bail him out, but she never got his email. 

Rolling Stone, Ron Wood, 68, and his wife, Sally, 38, just had twins. Mom has a lot of crying, napping, bottles and diaper changes in her future. And besides Ron, she has to take care of the twins. 

Since you asked:

Just participated in some serious eyeball guzzling of all things “The Godfather” and here is a theory you can chew on and spit out:

“The Godfather” is about the Kennedys. 

The story is far more similar to the Kennedys than it is any mafia family. Don Corleone, author Mario Puzo admits, is a composite of three mafia figures. One exported olive oil, one controlled the politicians in New York and another controlled the casinos in Las Vegas. 

But Joe Kennedy was a bootlegger who rose to incredible power with a dynamic prince of a son ready to take over who died tragically like Sonny, Joe Jr. So Joe senior's second-most-qualified son Jack, was thrust into leadership just like Michael. There was even a somewhat dim-witted son, like Fredo, in Ted Kennedy. And a wild and uncontrollable rebel daughter, like Connie, Kathleen or “Kick.” And a detached, dutiful matriarch in both Rose and Carmela . 

There is a remarkable picture of the Kennedys at their prime in Hyannis Port that is very similar to the opening of “The Godfather” at Connie’s wedding. All fit, young, athletic, gorgeous, smart, tan, rich and dressed to the nines while laughing. It is a study in the fleeting nature of the prime of a family’s life as, soon after the picture was taken, Joe Jr. and Kathleen would die in airplane crashes. And the rest of the Kennedy tragedies would unfold.  

Yes, I am a big fan of the John Oliver. His diatribes on Trump are brilliant. But when he started ragging on Budweiser for changing their name to America, I got a little pissed off. 

Yes, it is chic for hipsters to rag on Budweiser. But many great chefs, including Emeril and Bobby Flay, call for Bud specifically for cooking with beer because it is the best when cooked down. The commercials do not lie, they really do have the best hops and grains. 

And Bud is always consistent. Many have been the time when I fell in love with the taste of a local micro brewed beer only to have it become popular and have the quality plummet when it tries to keep up with demand. Budweiser has no problems with quality control dipping due to popularity. 

And who is some Brit to rag on our choice of consuming anything? Oliver is coming from a country where the best known dish was battered and fried cod served in a dirty newspaper.

And has anyone in the history on Britain ever cooked meat the way god intended? On a wood smoke grill? Do they even have grills and barbecue in Britain? No. They boil it. 

John Oliver, much love, you are one funny ass banker/parrot- looking dude. But lay off our damn beer. 

Saw “Trumbo.” (Man, does Hollywood love to pat itself on the back) First of all, amazing journey of a damn good actor, Bryan Cranston, whose career went from commercials to his breakout as the doofy dad in “Malcolm in the Middle” to “Breaking Bad” and beyond. He did a much better job of creating empathy than the real Trumbo did when I saw the documentary, “Trumbo.” 

When I saw the documentary I was in shocked awe at the lengths Trumbo went to be a supreme pain-in-the-ass. It was my opinion Trumbo joined the Communist Party because there was no such thing as the Flaming Asshole Alcoholics Party. 

This was a rich Hollywood celebrity, dining at the Brown Derby, who had a ranch with horses and a lake. Not exactly the comrade laboring in the gulag.  

The movie had to use Hollywood magic to make this guy appear even slightly empathetic. But he was a great writer who stuck to his political guns. Trumbo essentially sent himself to prison for failing to cooperate with Congress. While it may have been self-inflicted martyrdom, his almost insane gumption was impressive. 

Trumbo’s talent was matched only by his acerbic personality. As his own worst enemy he was a formidable foe, but, in the end, his talent won out. And his hard work. He wrote his ass off. 

Overall I was wildly impressed that someone could succeed at that amazing level doing everything in his power to destroy himself. 

With me just a poor schmuck trying to write little schmucky jokes in schumckville and still having a rough time of it. 

As I try to maintain political objectivity with jokes it is hard. My dislike of Hillary is hard to suppress whereas my hatred for Trump is impossible to hide. As a result, my liberal friends think I am Attila the Hun and my conservative friends think I am Trumbo.

But this is the first election in my life where I genuinely wish I could go to the polls and vote against someone rather than for someone I don’t like less. 

Donald Trump is a baboon whose orange ass is impossible to distinguish from his smug face. 

Hillary is the naked opportunist who spends decades pandering to sports fans that she is a die-hard Cubs fan because somebody told her it made her look loyal and down-to-earth. So what does she do the split second she runs for New York Senate? Hillary announces she is both a Mets and Yankee fan. Wears both hats too.

It’s not that Hillary is the next-level of hypocrite who could even do something like that, she is. The problem is Hillary has no idea why that is so repugnant. 

This is not an election. This is a nightmare. 

Richard Simmons was hospitalized for bizarre behavior. That’s like hospitalizing a Kardashian for a swollen ass. 

In the NHL finals, the Sharks and Penguins keep banging it off the pipe. Have not seen anyone in sports hit the pipe this much since Lamar Odom.

Paris has been hit with massive flooding. There is so much water, some of the Parisians may accidentally get clean.