Saturday, July 24, 2010

When the three-year-old has a hissy fit




Maybe I should've gone back for the pig.


Anonymous said...

My 5 1/2 year old is a fit-throwing PRO. She doesn't do it as much now, but when she does, look out! As a toddler she had at least 2 or 3 temper tantrums every day. Frequently, I had no idea why.

Here is my not-so-pearly pearl of wisdom: it's not your fault, and it's not your responsibility to always handle it perfectly. This stuff is related to age and temperament, and they're going to grow out of it in their own time regardless of what you do. In the meantime, you're teaching them resilience and coping skills as they work through this stage. As long as you're trying your best and mostly avoid melting down yourself, I think you're golden.

Rebecca said...

You definitely should not go back for the pig. You are right not to negotiate. You were right to take her to the van. What I would recommend in that situation is getting on her level and letting her know that you understand how important the pig is to her and that you wanted her to have it, but when we scream and pitch a fit, we have to leave right then. It's a natural consequence and natural consequences go a long way in teaching a child. You know that old saying "this hurts me more than it hurts you?" It truly HURTS to discipline our children. It aches deep inside to see them long for something or be disappointed, or see them excluded from something. When they miss out on something, it hurts them and that feeling is what sways them to not repeat the behavior again. You have to be firm and the same consequences have to happen every time in order for her to understand. Be consistent.

What you are trying to convey to Suzi is that she cannot communicate her feelings through screaming. Acknowledge her feelings, let her know that you understand and empathize, but that you cannot HEAR them when she is screaming. Encourage her to talk to you. Play games or use pictures to help her identify feelings -- he's sad. What does sad mean? What does sad feel like? He's angry. How do you know he's angry? She is frustrated because she can't convey what she is feeling.

I, too, find myself pitching a fit and realizing in the middle of it, the example I am setting. When you find yourself doing that, give yourself the same consequences. Stop yourself mid-stream and tell Suzi you are not communicating the right way, are you? And give yourself a time out. Go sit in a chair in front of her and tell her that you have to have a time-out. In five minutes, apologize to her and then tell her, calmly, but firmly, that she has to pick up the toys, or whatever else it is, and if it is not done, then institute the consequence.

This is the real key. Have a pre-established consequence. Post a list on the refrigerator. Toys that are not picked up when you ask her to are put in the basked (get an old laundry basket) and cannot be played with again that week. Then, put the basket in your room. That is a natural consequence. It's related and clearly established. Say "You don't want to pick up the toys? Okay, let's go over to the fridge then and find out what happens when we don't pick them up." And then, take her to the list, find the action and the consequence and read it to her. Then, take her back and help her put the toys in the basket and put it away. When she gets upset about it, empathize with her, but be firm. "I'm sorry you're sad, Suzi, but toys that aren't picked up can't be played with. Hopefully, this will be the only time you have to feel this way because next time, we'll pick them up."

There is a great book at the book store called Boundaries with Kids. It talks all about how to discipline with natural consequences. It also made me feel a lot better about seeing my children hurting. It notes there is a difference between hurt and harm.

You did the right thing. It's hard and it hurts, but it is the right thing and I respect you for it.

Megan said...

First of all, I really don't think people were staring at you. Especially not to make you feel bad. That was awkward though... it was awkward for me when Aiden was doing the same thing ten minutes earlier. They were tired.

Threes are so difficult. I'm right there with you. Oh, four, when will you arrive?