Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Ahem, HA HA:



Make it funnier, Associated Press:


We'd imagine not! We're pretty sure Assange also missed all his friends' group texts about Sunday brunch too, and they didn't go check on him because they were only pretending to like him.

The Obama administration has publicly blamed the Russian government for all the recent hacking of the DNC and the Clinton campaign, and WikiLeaks has dutifully published whatever Russia has (allegedly, we guess, fuck it) upchucked into its baby bird mouth. Sunday, Vice President Joe Biden appeared on Chuck Todd's news program "Chuck Todd Is For Some Reason Considered A Good Journalist," and he told Todd that the United States is preparing to send Russia a message in retaliation for its meddling in our election. Maybe making Assange feel like a common Comcast customer who keeps hitting "reset" on his modem and still can't get no internets is part of that. Comcast-ghazi!!!!1111!

What's funny is that the stuff being published by WikiLeaks is, for the most part, a bunch of stale nothingburgers. For instance, here is what the Los Angeles Times says about recent batches of the hacked emails of Clinton campaign chair John Podesta:

Take a deep dive into the more than 10,000 Clinton campaign emails published by WikiLeaks, and here’s what you’ll learn: Hillary Clinton is a careful, methodical, tightly-controlled politician. Her jokes, her tweets and even her purported ad libs are often scripted by aides. She hates to apologize, even when she admits she’s done something wrong, like keeping emails on a home server. She’s a progressive, but not an ideologue; she yearns for “rational, moderate voices” on both sides. Above all, she’s a pragmatist who’s willing to compromise — and to have “both a public and a private position” if that’s what it takes to make a deal.

As the L.A. Times concludes, Assange's SUPER OMG BREAKING NEWS leaks have revealed the shocking secret that Hillary Clinton is Hillary Clinton.

So Assange was a failure and a maybe-sexual assaulter -- like his chosen candidate, Donald Trump! -- long before he signed on to AOL on Monday and there was nary a reassuring voice telling him, "You've Got Mail." Therefore, contra our funny headline, we highly doubt Hillary sent Seal Team Six to murder Assange's mom's dial-up connection.

Let's see how he does as a big tough warrior for radical transparency (who gives not one shit about possible collateral damage that might result from his crusade) without his precious computer. Maybe he can just tell secrets about all his pals in the Ecuadorean Embassy, like who's banging whom behind the gym and which ambassador got a boner during math class. Who will he tell these secrets to? NOT THE INTERNET LOL.

[wonkbar]<a href=""></a>[/wonkbar]On the other hand, if Assange can't get on internets, how can he give us more delicious John Podesta recipes? Remember how we all learned One Weird Trick for making the perfect risotto only because Assange leaked Podesta's cooking tips to the world? Somebody's still waiting for Podesta's spanakopita recipe, and it yr Wonkette.

Speaking of that risotto, we sure hope Assange was still online when Podesta sent these tweets Friday:


Oh well. We don't know who cut off Assange's internets, and we do not care, because fuck him. We hope he doesn't literally starve to death from the lack of attention.

[AP / Los Angeles Times]

Evan Hurst


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