Rachel Lindsay on the Worst Love Advice She's Ever Received

The Bachelorette's Rachel Lindsay talks to SELF about the best romantic advice she's received, how the producers told her story, and what it was like to be the first black Bachelorette.
Paul Morigi/Getty Images/The Noun Project/Graphic by Cristina Cianci

When Rachel Lindsay first stepped into our office, I was in awe. I might not be an avid follower of The Bachelor universe and all its many shows, but these days, it's hard to not know who Lindsay is.

First and foremost, Lindsay's an attorney—a career woman who's spent almost a decade establishing herself at a Dallas law firm. She's also a TV personality. Lindsay charmed reality TV viewers in 2016 when she appeared as a contestant on Nick Viall's season of The Bachelor. She captivated them again earlier this year, when she was named the lead for The Bachelorette's thirteenth season, making her the first black woman to ever star on the show.

Lindsay is smart, engaging, and honest. She's a 32-year-old professional who's as committed to her desire to find love as she is to her career—something many of us (myself included) can relate to. She and I talked about finding time for self-care, making excuses for men, and all the times she felt reluctant to appear on one of the most popular reality shows on TV today. We also traded stories from our Bachelor casting call experiences (yes, I've auditioned, too).

If our conversation made anything clear, it's this: Lindsay is a woman who knows what she wants and isn't afraid to pursue it. And while she's doing that, she's happy to give you a glimpse into her life, because she wants to help you see that you can—and should—have exactly what you want, too.

Let's start from square one—what was your reaction when you first found out you'd been cast on The Bachelorette? Did you ever consider not doing the show?

I was approached a few days after I was dumped by Nick. I didn't believe them when they first asked me to star on the show—I thought they were just being nice and trying to make me feel better. But I realized they were being serious, so we actually started talking about it.

It was actually harder for me to decide if I wanted to move forward as The Bachelorette than it was to decide to be a contestant on The Bachelor. I knew I'd have to ask off work a second time, and I waited until the last minute to talk to my boss about it. But he was really supportive, and everyone else at my firm was, too. That made my decision very easy, but I can't say I would've done it if my job had said no. My career is really important to me. I've worked hard for it. And I don't know if I would've been able to take that risk.

Is there anything you wish you'd known before doing either show?

I'm actually glad I didn't watch The Bachelor or The Bachelorette prior to being on them. I think if I'd watched them before being a contestant, I would've over-analyzed it or tried to be something else—tried to fit into that world. Because I was so green, I was just me, and I think it was really refreshing to the people watching it.

What did it mean to you to be the first black Bachelorette?

Knowing that I was potentially going to be the first black Bachelorette actually held me back from wanting to do it. With the first, there's always so much pressure. And I knew I was going to be new to the audience as a lead for a number of reasons—being over 30, being a career woman, and also being black. It's one thing to be a contestant, but when you're the lead and carrying the show, it's totally different. So I thought, Do I really want to put myself out there like this?


In true lawyerly fashion, I laid out the pros and cons. I realized, You know what, I shouldn't be scared of this. It's an honor to be chosen as the first. Of all the African-American women who've tried out for the show, they chose me, and they chose me for a reason. I could be a positive role model on TV for women my age, younger women, African-American women, and those trying to pursue a career in law or anything else. I could show the struggles I have as a career woman trying to find love. I wanted to be vulnerable in that way, and that carried me on to say, You know what? I'm gonna do it.

On The Bachelorette, you have to make romantic decisions faster than you might in everyday life. How'd you adapt to this timeline?

I used my legal experience and training to help me make quick decisions and figure things out. Don't get me wrong—I was wearing my heart on my sleeve and making emotional decisions. But when I had quick decisions to make or needed to read people, my legal training came into play. As a litigator, I have to analyze what people, like clients and jurors, are saying and how they're saying it, so that really helped me sift through the BS.

There's this Maya Angelou quote: "When people show you who they are, believe them the first time." I've made so many excuses for men. Maybe they're just doing that because of this. Maybe if I help them with this, it'll be different. And it's like, no, believe them when they show you who they are. I got to a point where I stopped trying to make excuses or put my own spin on things to figure them out. I just started taking what men were giving me, and a lot of times it was shit—there's no other way to say it.

What did the shows teach you about what you want from love and life?

Being dumped by Nick on The Bachelor made me realize how much I want love for myself. I knew I wanted it—I've always said I want to be married, have kids, and have a whole family unit. But wasn't until that point that I realized how badly I wanted it.

When it came to doing The Bachelorette, I pushed myself out of my comfort zone. I knew this was what I wanted, so I was going to get out of my head and just go for it. I'm really glad I did, because it paid off. I've learned how much of a hopeless romantic I am, how sensitive I am, and really, how much I love being in love.

Are there any moments you wish hadn't aired on TV?

No! I was pretty pleased with how I was portrayed. I feel like you really got to see me as myself. But toward the end, it was a little harder. I did feel a connection with my final four for different reasons. And I feel like, at some points, there was more of a focus on other relationships than on the relationship I had with Bryan—the person I ended up with. I wish you could've seen a little more of our love story.

How did you find time to prioritize self-care on the shows?

When you're a contestant, you have plenty of me time. So on The Bachelor, I journaled and talked with the other girls. I also woke up early in the morning to work out by myself, reflect, and meditate. When you're the lead, there's no time for that. Every day, you're going on a date, preparing to travel, and doing interviews—there's no time for self-care. And about halfway through the season, it shifts from being physically draining to emotionally draining. As we got toward the end, I made sure to cut out more time for myself. If I had a couple hours, I would write. When I was traveling on planes, I wouldn't fall asleep—I'd actually use the alone time to think and reflect.

What's the best romantic advice you've ever received? The worst?

As far as the best, my mom used to say all the time: "Follow your gut." A lot of times, I feel like women really have this intuition—not just about love, but life in general. I really followed my gut and listened to what I was feeling inside, and that carried me through to the end in making my final decision. Follow your gut. Don't fight it. Whatever you're feeling, tap into that.


The worst advice? I think somebody once said to me, "That's OK—he's just being a man." What does that even mean, you know? That's like, the worst thing anyone could possibly say.

Now that The Bachelorette has wrapped, what's next for you?

Because I've taken such risks in the last year, I feel like the sky is the limit for me. I'm still working, and I want to hold onto my legal career—even if Bryan and I leave Dallas and move somewhere else. I really want to tap back into the things that interested me before the show, like sports, and find ways to get involved there. Of course, a wedding is near. I want to have kids—I want four, but Bryan doesn't want that many. It's really an exciting time. I feel like I have such an amazing platform and an amazing partner I can do all of this with. It's scary but exciting at the same time.

This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity.

