Sunday, April 26, 2009

Why Kim in Edward Scissorhands SUCKS

So I had a weekend of pageant crazyness, and need to get out some pent-up frustration. What other way to get out that frustration than to RANT about something totally different?

On my four-hour train ride back to school, I popped in my handy dandy DVD of Edward Scissorhands. (So It's a HUGE stretch as a horror film, but hey it's my rules.) I giggled at how Kathy Bates looks like pure hell in that film (living proof that porcelain veneers work wonders), wished Diane Wiest would just adopt me already, pumped my fists at the nerd from The Breakfast Club who was now the asshole popular kid... and realized how much the love story BLOWS.

Now don't get me wrong. I absolutely LOVE Winona Ryder. Even if she's stealing shit, she's Lydia Deetz, GODDAMN IT! So this is in no way a hater-rant on Winona. However, after watching Edward Scissorhands today, I clearly think I must've been on crack the last few times I've watched it. I loved the whole "you can catch me dancing in it" and loved how Edward wound up with his dream girl...UNTIL I REALIZED THAT YOU, KIM, FREAKING SUCK.

Here are my reasons as to why...

1) You chose Anthony Michael Hall over Johnny Depp for a good three quarters of the film.
2) You have the worst bangs I have ever seen.
3) You BARELY say anything to Edward.
4) You "fell in love" with him through one glance through a television screen.
5) You never did SHIT for him.
6) You convinced people he died, and NEVER came back to visit him.
7) You never told anyone how YOU and YOUR LAME ASS BOYFRIEND are the ones who broke into the house--even though you pretended to be all high and mighty by being Jim's "conscience".
8) You have the same damn expression the entire film. Sorry I'm not convinced you can fall in love by staring at someone with mouth agape.
9) You gave him the most B.S. kiss I've ever seen in a film.

Maybe it's the lack of character development of Kim Boggs, but I just wasn't buying it. I never once for a second saw her "understand" Edward in any way, shape, or form. As far as I'm concerned, she has a razorblade fetish. If that's the case. She should just go bone Ville Valo from H.I.M. He's got the same haircut. I'm sure he'll touch you with razors, too. No offense to Tim Burton, but he's made a better love story with a Baldwin & Geena Davis, and claymation characters....twice.

6 comment(s):

gord said...

For me I would have simply said 'because it's Winona Ryder' and saved myself like 300 words, but whatevs.

To be fair though, in a movie that barely makes any sense as it is, is it fair to critique her character so hard?

B-Sol said...

Oh, you're just jealous cause she wound up with Johnny Depp/Edward Scissorhands.
But yeah, she does totally fall for the guy just by looking at him on screen. Kind of a stretch, if you ask me!

Anonymous said...

I haven't seen this in ages! But yes I recall being jealous that the blonde dip-shit, who mooched around the movie with her mouth half open got Johnny Depp... Especially post Winona's great work in Beetle Juice and Heathers. Now if you want to get some angst out, I highly recommend Heathers '*gag* corn nuttttts!'

Ms Harker

BJ Colangelo said...

What's your damage heather?

I fucking love that film. Not to mention I LOVE MY DEAD GAY SON!

Anonymous said...

HAHA! I love Heathers! But pretty much anything with Winona Ryder in it is fine by me. I find Tim Burton to be hit or miss. Sometimes I love his films and sometimes I hate them. I've gotta say that Edward Scissorhands is a good one despite it's flaws.

Unknown said...

You rule.

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