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[–]smorr 875 points876 points  (38 children)

"I spent three days in that apartment, eating toast and just waiting for her to wake up." That shit right there almost brought me to tears.

[–]LRE 498 points499 points  (5 children)

I lost it at,

An afternoon is a long time when you can't count.

[–][deleted] 81 points82 points  (1 child)

That is where my heart just broke for him. No child should have to live like that.


And then using count in a different way for the topic sentence (as in count on you), that is fucking powerful writing.

[–][deleted] 117 points118 points  (2 children)

My stomach turned when I read that. I have a young son, which makes reading that twice as hard--for picturing myself being in that situation and imagining that happening my son.

OP: I'm really sorry for what you went through. I read your letter and can hardly believe that your story happened to someone in real life (*I know this is unfortunately probably relatively common, but your singular story really makes this kind of pain poignant). I am sure your scars run deep. And I would suggest you make your decisions with respect to your father in a manner that best serves you... by improving your understanding, closure, etc. ... whatever it is that you need.

You're a strong and man for being able to come out on the other side of those experiences and being whole. I admire you.


This kind of shit happens every fuckin day, and people pretend not to notice. It enrages me. The people who have a feeling that something is wrong but who convince themselves that it's not their problem really piss me off. Because it is their problem. It is OUR problem as a society.


Me too. I have a little boy and just can't imagine.


Yup, it is one of the most horrific things I have heard of. It is one thing to lose a loved one, but when it is a little kid who doesn't understand it is just so much worse.

I hear of a case like this every year or so and I always get teary.

[–]Kavika 262 points263 points  (16 children)

My dad abandoned me and it was very cathartic to hear him apologize. It didn't heal the wounds but it helped.


Some parents will never apologise.

[–]Ruphuz 17 points18 points  (2 children)

Just don't go into any kind of contact with him expecting an apology. It might never come. And then you might feel worse than before.

That's great that yours apologized and props to him for owning up to what he did.

[–]roshielle 463 points464 points  (102 children)

I just recently have gone through this myself. My biological father decided to contact me, via facebook, after giving up his rights when I was 7. I never heard or saw him again until now. I'm 22, married, and have a 2 year old. He abandoned my brother and I.

It basically comes down to this: Say your dad dies. Are you going to regret never sending him your letter? That's why I sent my letter in response to his ... because hell yeah I would regret it if I never got the chance to ask why he didn't bother to stay.

You're the one who lives with this, not reddit.

[–]zeddletime 210 points211 points  (83 children)

My dad abandoned me when I was very young, then I tracked him down when I was about 13. My life was miserable and I begged him to take me away from it, he agreed, but then changed his mind and abandoned me a second time a few weeks later.

It was a mistake giving him the opportunity to abandon me a second time, and you absolutely did the right thing taking your chance to send him your letter. Imagine if you agreed to get to know him, and then he took the opportunity to hurt your family some how...

[–]BombTheFuckers 303 points304 points  (61 children)

Your dad is a fucking douche.

[–]AquaPigeon 44 points45 points  (0 children)

Fuck that guy and everyone like him.

[–]chaldea 8 points9 points  (1 child)

Will... Will Smith?

[–]BigCzv 333 points334 points  (16 children)

The best part of this very well written letter is that it isn't venomous--it's simply true.

A few years ago, my estranged father tried to get back into my life. After I decided not to return his calls, he showed up at one of my football games. I was polite and told him that I didn't call him back because I realized I simply didn't need or want him in my life. He then told me if I were a real man I would have at least called him to tell him that, to which I responded "Everything I needed to know about being a man, I learned from watching you and doing the opposite. A real man doesn't hospitalize his wife, beat his kids, or fall 5+ years behind on child support". I haven't heard from him since and I don't regret it at all.

[–]AccountCreated4This 114 points115 points  (0 children)

Yep... He was just seeking some degree of control and influence over your or in your life. You ignored him and that only amped up this desire, then you shut him down when he forced his way in. He couldn't get what he wanted out of you. Congrats.

[–][deleted] 90 points91 points  (7 children)

As mother to a son with a deadbeat dad I applaud and thank you for sharing. I hope my son is wise enough to say the same if his dad ever tries that shit.

[–]taa12 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Congratulations. Heartfelt.

[–]Bodegus 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Looked him in the eyes and said my mom was more of a man then he ever will be.

[–]twobuns 10 points11 points  (2 children)

WOW. I am blown away by your ability to come up with such a crystal-clear, well worded, and devastating reply completely on the fly like that. You are awesome.

[–][deleted] 1097 points1098 points  (54 children)

On one hand I want to say send him this. He bailed when you needed him most so he's automatically disqualified from calling himself your father.


It "might" be worth hearing him out...just once. I'm not saying give him a chance..he blew that already..but it might be worth listening to his story.

1) You'll find out why he let you down so badly.I'm sure you'll discover he will have numerous excuses or reasons as to why he couldn't be a father. Perhaps they may even have some validity..but I doubt it.

2) This is the important part.....you may discover you have half siblings.....and no matter what, they didn't do anything to you and perhaps deserve a chance that your father did not. Men who leave their kids behind tend to leave more than one. This I've seen happen all to often. So...as painful and awkward as it might be, there might be a silver lining and you might have someone you may feel happy and proud to call family...you just don't know it yet.

Whatever you decide to do is your choice and your choice alone. Painful as it all is, it might be worth hearing it out just once to get answers and closure if you need it. Trust me on this...you do not want to spend the rest of your life asking "why"?

[–]fathers_can_be_dicks 311 points312 points  (25 children)

I can confirm the siblings part of your comment. I recently got to meet my half siblings from my father that abandoned me as a baby (and then contacted me later in life like in OP's situation). The only thing I will say about it is, that meeting them [my siblings] has changed my life and they are the only reason I have chosen to keep in contact with my father.

[–]Seaniejo 103 points104 points  (15 children)

Did your father inspire your account name?

[–]poobly 249 points250 points  (4 children)

I'm sure it's unrelated.

[–]fathers_can_be_dicks 45 points46 points  (0 children)

Well yes... I actually just lurked on here since I discovered reddit this past spring. Op's post was the first one that compelled me to make an account and this was the only thing I could come up with at 3am...

[–]writtenrhythm 33 points34 points  (0 children)

Redditor for five hours...I doubt it.

[–]fretenborough 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I also can confirm the siblings part. My father left my sister and I 18 months after I was born. Luckily, my mom found another person in her life and this new person, even with his numerous faults, financially supported his adopted family. Things were great, until I realized why my last name was not the same as my mom's. I soon found out at 5 years old that an entire side of my family was missing (my biological father's family ended their relationship with us when he left). Then, 13 years later, my biological father decides to try to contact me-after nearly 18 years of neglect. I found out I have his name, I have never known two other half-siblings, and that his family lived just 10 miles away. Now he still doesn't remain in contact with me (I'm 21 now) after apologizing and promising he will never leave again. He will never be my father, but that still doesn't mean I don't love my half-sister and brother. Good luck OP in your decision and I am so sorry your life started so shitty. also: sorry for the length

[–]chulaire 119 points120 points  (2 children)

I agree ^ OP also noted earlier in a comment that he's not evil or anything. Probably his experiences with his new family has brought on a lot of guilt and shame for abandoning you and he wants at least a chance to maybe make things better now since he couldn't do jackall back then.

If he turns out to be a twat then good riddance. But maybe give him the chance to make your life a little better now since he couldn't do it back then?

I'm not saying let him be your dad or like things are all good between you guys - he's a jerk by that standard and you're an absolute champ getting where you are.

Send him the letter, but maybe don't write him off JUST yet...

[–]n2hvywght 18 points19 points  (0 children)

I would also say that it is worth meeting him in person. If you decide you have no desire for him to be a part of your life going forward an in person meeting would leave less room for doubt.

Also, if you feel the need to release some of your pent up aggression it would be more satisfying in person (imo).

[–]DiarrheaPocket 46 points47 points  (6 children)

This letter makes me want to become a foster family. The house we're in right now is too small for more kids but after I'm done building our new one (just finished the roof last week!) I think we'll start the process. My wife and I have been considering it for awhile but I think this is the tipping point.

[–]MooseCaca 6 points7 points  (3 children)

Same here. I've been talking to my husband about it. Funny thing is I have no real incentive to have kids of my own, but I know I want to adopt and possibly foster children. The horror stories...I just can't believe how fucking evil some people in the system are.

[–]mrlanious 1740 points1741 points  (296 children)

I see my dad once in a few years. I used to be constantly angry about how he has deeply hurt me by enforcing so many things on me, threatening me with clenched fists and red eyes, sending me to school in the middle of the winter while I was very sick, smacking me out of bed with a smirk on his face, sending me to a boarding school, etcetera. He was there for me, but he wasn't a father to me many times; I didn't grow up in a safe household and I remember using my sleep as an escape from reality, which might be the reason why I get incredibly tired when faced with the kind of emotion my dad used to cause in me.

To me it still reads as though you want to hurt your father. Although this is understandable and 'justified' when punishing him is the goal, it might not be so very helpful to anyone.

The reasons for deep anger are always very good; pain can be very deep and powerful, certainly if it this pain comes from your childhood, a phase in your life in which you are most vulnerable and you need caring and love more than in any other time of your life.

But think about a mental state in which you would abandon your own kids. Think about the confusion, the anger and despair, the helplessness and pain required to do such things. Consider the regrets and the guilt it would cause, the always nagging feeling in the back of one's mind about a son walking around there somewhere. What do you know about the root causes of his behaviour? Was he himself abandoned as a child? From what I've heard, my father was mistreated even a lot worse than me. At a certain moment in my life I learned to see the hurt and lonely child in him, and that made a big difference.

You know best what's good for you of course, but have you considered what would be the most courageous, elegant and healing thing to do for everyone involved? If someone told you a story like your own, what would be the very best advice you could give that person?

Again; I don't know you or your father and I don't know what's best for you. I choose to see my father once in a while, preferrably to go for a long walk in silence, just to be with him as the person he is, not the person he was, the person he should or could be. Just me and him, enjoying nature and one another's company, as human beings, without power struggles, without fear or anger. Just to be together in an uncomplicated way. It took many years to get there and it isn't always easy, but it's more than nothing and gives both of us peace of mind.

I know how hard this is. I don't want to suggest that my solution is a good one for you as well. All I want to say is that there is always more space than we perceive. Blame and guilt are never useful in any scenario.

I wish you all the best. That you may find the strength and wisdom to do the right thing. That you may live happily and be the best dad you can possibly be. Let the pain end in you, let your family be a new beginning in what is perhaps a long line of pain, passed through the generations.

Lots of love from one dad to another ;-)

[–]UrMommasdog 464 points465 points  (56 children)

When I was 3 years old my mom, my sisters( 4, 6) and I were thrown out of our house in the middle of the night by my father. From that day we have been through many hardships, including severe poverty, suicide attempts, abuse etc. We practically lived on the street in a third world country with nothing and noone to help us, but we made it.

Today is my birthday, I became 22 years old. A stranger called congratulating me, he said he is my father and he wants to meet me.

This is why I can relate so much to the OP and this is also why there is not even a cell in my body that could understand the man that calls me his son. Understand why he didnt run after us, why he didnt fight for us, his children. Its oke if he hated our mom, but we were his children and mom couldnt provide for us, while he could, yet he choose to not.

You see, when you talk about his confusion and how he was lost, didnt know what to do. It all just makes me angry, becuz how fucking hard is it to send money to your starving children, how much thought does it require? What could have been a legit excuse for him to turn away from us for 19 years. So often we almost died in need of his help, still he never called, never did anything to contact us.

Yes I am hurt, but not because he abandoned us (I have moved on from that pain), but because he dares to call me his son after all this time. I am not his son, and he is nothing more than a stranger to me.

So when he called and told me he wanted to meet me, I told him: "Your son died 19 years ago, the night you threw a helpless infant out, he starved".

[–]mrlanious 102 points103 points  (13 children)

Thank you for your comment and I'm sorry to hear about the terrible upbringing you had. Please understand that I was speaking from my own experience alone. Just like a car can be damaged beyond repair, so can a relationship. I do believe that we give up too easily sometimes; we feel that repairing is too much work, that it will just not be worth it. And it definitely can be just that: not worth it.

In your case it sounds like there's absolutely no bonding at all; all I can say is that I wish you all the best and that you may find a way to break the chains of suffering in your family and the strength to give your pain a place in your life.

Best of luck and lots of love.

[–]youmaddiebro 43 points44 points  (24 children)


Yes I am hurt, but not because he abandoned us (I have moved on from that pain), but because he dares to call me his son after all this time. I am not his son, and he is nothing more than a stranger to me. So when he called and told me he wanted to meet me, I told him: "Your son died 19 years ago, the night you throw a helpless infant out, he starved".

Very powerful and everyone else is asking to forgive, and forget blah blah, you can't do that. I mean you can but you don't have to. In life they teach you to "Always forgive" but that's just stupid brainwashing crap, you don't always have to forgive, you can forget yes and move on with life, but not forgive. I won't ever forgive my biological dad for the abuse he caused, I've forgotten and don't think about it much but he can burn in hell.

This guys gets it and OP, I think a simple sentence like his can be sent.

[–]prettysoitworks 6 points7 points  (12 children)

To me forgiveness means whatever the person did was OK. Or I am over it, or come back for round 2,3,4,5.... No. I don't forgive. I am going to stop being angry in time... but you don't get to know anymore about me, or how I feel.
Your consequence is, you lost the relationship. Period. Forever.

[–]hlharper 71 points72 points  (2 children)

Actions have consequences, and that is what OP's "father" needs to realize.

OP's bio-father didn't contact him until he was 24. That's not a coincidence. If he had contacted him at 14, 16, 18, possibly even 20, then there would have been a reasonable expectation that his son would have needed something from him: shelter, food, money, etc. But at 24 it's reasonable to expect his son would be out on his own, on his "own two feet", and so little to no expectations would have been placed on him. It may not have been guilt at all driving him to come back right now, but the same kind of selfish drive that causes some people to scatter when a party needs to be cleaned up after and then magically showing up once everything is done.

I don't talk to my "dad" at all. He tried the "God forgave me, and if God forgave men then you need to forgive me." But no, that wasn't possible. He wasn't sorry he did any of the stuff he did. He's sorry that I wouldn't talk to him. Ever. It's been over 10 years since I talked to him and I have no desire to ever talk to him again. He had to realize that actions had consequences.

And the thing is, my "dad" treated his other kids better because I refused to talk to him, because it made him realize that there is a place of no return, that there is a limit beyond which there is no redemption, and that saying "I'm really really really sorry" doesn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again.

There is another choice other than peaceful forgiveness and hate, and that's indifference. My "dad" is no better or no worse than the spider that gets into my bedroom. I don't hate it, I don't want it dead, I just don't want it anywhere near me.

[–]Broelga 5 points6 points  (0 children)

This. I could not agree with you more. Thank you.

[–]Afro_Engine 182 points183 points  (31 children)

that was almost calming for me to read. you are a very good writer

[–]mrlanious 80 points81 points  (29 children)

Thank you. It makes me happy that you could take something out of it _^

I don't usually speak about it, but I can tell you that most of my personal insights come from doing mindfulness meditation. I'd highly recommend to anyone in general.

[–]calm_collection 28 points29 points  (28 children)

While reading this I couldn't help but notice the mindfulness. Buddhist influences by chance?


[–]mrlanious 27 points28 points  (20 children)

Yes, definitely. It has changed me like nothing else and I'd recommend it to anyone _^

[–]general_hindsight 6 points7 points  (17 children)

Can you say what it changed you from and to?

[–]mrlanious 31 points32 points  (16 children)

It changed me from an aggressive, angry, scared and addicted (smoking, weed, alcohol, gaming and more) ADHD type of person to one that enjoys every day, holds no more anger and far less preconceptions about the world and other people. I am focused and balanced today, married, working independently doing what I love doing most. Not to say I've become some kind of a saint; old ways of thinking and doing show their ugly head from time to time. Meditation helps me realise it much sooner than before though.

[–]general_hindsight 12 points13 points  (14 children)

could you point me in direction of what kinda meditation this was? your old self reminds me in some ways of myself..

[–]mrlanious 22 points23 points  (3 children)

I can also recommend www.zencast.org - Gil Fronsdal is my favourite teacher. There are also some guided meditations on there. I'd recommend starting with 10 minutes, just as with running, don't overdo it. Let me know how it went!

[–]mrlanious 11 points12 points  (7 children)

Where are you based? I'm based in the Netherlands and meditate with Thich Nhath Hahn's community and retreats. Mindfulness meditation is very widespread in the western world though, because it's a good match with western culture. If you're based in the US I can recommend going to Spirit Rock - would love to go there one day ;-)

[–]bmcnult19 103 points104 points  (18 children)

I think there is a fundamental difference between your relationship with your dad and OP's (non-existent) relationship with his dad. You're dad was at least in the house while you were growing up, where as OP's dad bailed when he needed him the most. I would say he needs to send it and really express how he feels. OP's father had decades to contact him or to help him, but just decided to now. It obviously hasn't hurt him to bad when OP was in foster homes getting abused. I think it's evident that OP's father is doing this for himself, not for OP.

[–]mrlanious 51 points52 points  (14 children)


I agree with everything you said, except that last line. I'm very careful about making assumptions about the motivations of others. My father is an extremely self centered person, but he's more than that, he's a person that once was a kid, that made loads of mistakes, misbehaved badly, did despicable things ... but I see all of those as an incapacity to deal with life, not something to write him off as a sentient being.

Please understand that in no way I want to excuse his behaviour. He knows how to get under my skin and hurt me, even now. But I refuse to be a victim of his behaviour anymore. All the anger I hold in my being is energy that I lose to live my life. Being angry and resentful hurts only me and no one else. I refuse to be angry, I refuse to let his person hold any power over me, and especially the power I hold and maintain inside of me.

[–]bmcnult19 14 points15 points  (6 children)

I see where your coming from. I was just operating under the assumption that the father was having sort of a "mid life crisis" and was trying to get back in touch with OP because he felt it an obligation, not because he suddenly felt bad for what happened to OP. He probably doesn't know what all happened to OP. I guess what i'm trying to say is too little, too late. The way I see it OP doesn't really have a need for his father's support now. He's got the support of his SO and children. He's moved on. Maybe i'm just different, but I long for the day when I no longer need my parents support. It sounds like OP has a nice life now, so why bring his father in when he he's been doing great without him for however many years? It seems like it would just complicate things, maybe bring up emotions that don't need brought up. I haven't met my biological father and these last two reasons are why I don't think I ever want to.
Sorry about the rant.

[–]mrlanious 8 points9 points  (3 children)

Oh yes, it could very well be that it's not going to work. In that case, it would be good that the OP is aware of and not contributing to the anger he holds, because it's hurting him and him alone. I totally agree with you that some conflicts cannot be resolved; there's a fine line somewhere where damage simply becomes irreparable. Perhaps it's the same with a bike: if it's damaged then it might be hard to fix. Perhaps it's irreparable, but even if it can be repaired, it could be just not worth the trouble.

[–]IamDa5id 68 points69 points  (0 children)

This was incredible to read.

The fact that you were able to heal and ultimately forgive your father, even enough to simply go for a walk together from time to time is very powerful catharsis.

It may or may not be right for the OP, but for you, it sounds kind of beautiful.



It seems like you're suggesting OP is spending all his time focusing on being angry at his dad. That it's some how consuming who he is. As someone else who's had a pretty terrible dad, I can say, when not confronted with it, I forget about it. I don't waste my time with it. (If he's as dedicated a father and husband as he says he is, clearly he's not.)

I don't get the feeling OP is really trying to hurt his dad, maybe I'm wrong. It seems like he's being honest about why he can't be that guy's son. OP doesn't owe his dad anything beyond an honest response at this point. Unfortunately, an honest response is a painful one.

At least OP's dad didn't have to deal with being abused for 12 years of his life. I'd say receiving an angry letter is a pretty lenient sentence for what he put OP through.

[–]belanda_goreng 96 points97 points  (2 children)


I like you.

[–]the_awkward_turtle 57 points58 points  (6 children)

Honestly, I don't agree with you. I grew up without a father, albeit in a still semi-functional household under the care of a single mother working part time to support 5 people. But I never knew my father. I don't even know his name, nor do I care for it. I don't feel that the letter is too harsh in the least and I feel that it would be therapeutic to OP to send it.

Like I said, I grew up semi-functional and will never have to know the torture OP has been through growing up in foster homes and being abused, but I feel there is no justification for the father to leave. You are not only the product of your upbringing and past, you are the product of your choices as well. His father was given a choice when his mother died and chose to ignore that opportunity. To me, it doesn't matter how he was treated as a child, he should learn from that if anything. Granted I know about as much as you do about OPs family so I'm just calling shots from my own perspective, but it has nothing to do with healing or forgiveness anymore. If my father were to turn up on my doorstep now, I would not forgive him because he simply does not deserve it, he abandoned my family for one reason or another and made no attempt to help my mother in the hardest of times. Like OP, I have no father and I see no reason to let one into my life or get to know him in the slightest.

My point is, the father may know he has screwed up, but that knowledge will forever remain a superficial understanding. He will never genuinely know the pain he has put OP through, the pain the father went through was a product of his own choices (and like I said, he had an opportunity to better himself when the mother died and still didn't choose his family). It's not forgiveness anymore, it's just about whether OP wants a person of that kind of calibre to be a part of his life or not.

TL;DR - I don't agree, send the damned letter. The father's pain he did to himself, OPs pain was a consequence that could not be changed for a child his age.

[–]nicholasferber 17 points18 points  (47 children)

can you tell me more about your father, if thats ok?

[–]mrlanious 15 points16 points  (46 children)

Sure, anything you're specifically interested in? Ask away!

[–]nicholasferber 20 points21 points  (45 children)

what things had he gone through in his life? what kind of a person is he now? has he changed? did you ever find yourself being angry the same way he was? were you afraid of becoming like him? is it easy to forget? has it become easier to be around him without being reminded of all the things in the past?

[–]mrlanious 131 points132 points  (44 children)

My grandfather (my father's father) was in a Japanese concentration camp, working in the mines. He was a deeply religious man that could totally loose control over the smallest things. If his tire was flat, he would be capable of demolishing his bike. I think he was quite literally insane. My father was beaten severely many, many times. He has lived in many different foster homes feeling lonely and abandoned.

In my family we always kind of excused my father's behaviour until I came to the conclusion that his pain didn't take away his responsibility towards his kids. There came a moment when my fear just disappeared (or changed into a fatalistic type of disgust, if that makes any sense) and whenever he threatened me I would calmly stand straight up, look in his eyes and ask him: 'are you going to best me? Really?' This was the end of total domination, but by far not the end of the suffering in the family. He was very unpredictable and he would slap, kick and even rape my mother.

My father has gotten milder with age, but I don't think he has changed that much. I firmly believe that at an early age, he decided that emotions are useless and he has cut himself of from his emotional inner life. The emotions are certainly there, but he is unable to reach them or make sense of them. He's not a killer or a criminal, but he does meet almost all prerequisites for psychopathy / sociopathy. People will often be amazed by what a cool person he is, until they get to know him better, when they usually leave him quickly. He can be very charming, but it's mostly superficial and mimicked behaviour. His rational intelligence is quite high, while his emotional intelligence is very underdeveloped.

I was definitely afraid of becoming like him when I became a dad myself, but according to my wife I've managed to use this fear to my advantage. Currently my seven year old is having tantrums every morning when he needs to get dressed. He'll shout and lay on the floor, acting like a little baby. The werewolf in me feels like kicking him in the face, but I don't. I am acutely aware that these emotions are my weakness, not his. I'm not always successful at this (sometimes I pick up my boys a little too hard), but most of the times I am able to see my own emotions and not act on them. I meditate a lot, which has given me lots of space in my life.

Yes, it has become easier to be with my dad. It'll never be like a 'normal' father-son relationship, but I am now able to see beyond his behaviour and nonsense. An odd moment in my life was realising I had become more mature than either of my parents. My mom went straight from living with her parents to living with my dad for 33 years and this has caused her to become quite bitter, neurotic and angry. I was really happy when they divorced and can't imagine they were ever together.

Where does your special interest come from? Do any of the things above sound familiar to you?

[–]Melivora 34 points35 points  (3 children)

They sound familiar to me - but you remind me of my Dad, not your Dad. He had that kind of upbringing, became a dad and was terrified of being him. It was harder to control himself when me and my brother were babas, but he never hurt us - you could see it in his face sometimes that he wanted to.
Keeping himself in check eventually led to him genuinely being calm and rational when we acted up (and it's not always been easy, trust me). We're really, really close and I really respect him for overcoming his demons.
So I hope you end up like my Dad, basically.

[–]funnyhowlifeworks 23 points24 points  (8 children)

Wow that growth takes a lot of work. I'm still trying to get to a healthy place with my own parents. My mom was the main instigator of the physical and emotional abuse, but I'm starting to understand where her behavior stems from and how much better she has done as a parent than her parents did. It's so difficult to break the cycle, but awareness and acknowledgment of our own shortcomings goes a long way towards changing the patterns.

Thank you for your post. It's inspiring to see someone with such a healing attitude.

[–]mrlanious 9 points10 points  (6 children)

I can highly recommend doing mindfulness meditation. When you hold a lot of anger and sadness it's really hard when you start, but by sitting still, by not getting involved in your own thoughts and emotions, by not fighting, serving or commenting on them, the anger eventually dies a silent, non-eventful death.

[–]mrlanious 3 points4 points  (0 children)

If there's pain inside of you, I can highly recommend to start a course in mindfulness meditation. By sitting still and being aware of one's own thoughts, without getting involved in them and without commenting on them, I've learned so much about my own inadequacy to deal with my own emotions. Feelings of pain just get a chance to silently die in mediation practice.

[–]nicholasferber 17 points18 points  (3 children)

yes. quite a few things are familiar. although i think that your life would have been much more miserable than mine. i envy you because you got the chance and had the courage to stand up.

my parents are not bad people though. just really incompatible, broken, unprepared. my dad does not give a damn, although he did give enough money for my education and our basic living. my mother was very violent towards me. my father was not there at home. working outside. my mother was insecure, unhappy which drove her crazy.

i suddenly get flashes of uncontrolled anger sometimes. i find it difficult to bring expression to my face. a few months ago i would not have been able to verbalize any answer to your question about my life. but reddit has helped me. even though i cpme as whiny. i am not able to say everything in a structured way because this topic shuts my brain. it is my natural response to stop thinking abput things amd start forgettkng them when i think about these things.

but im doing good now. i have a very wonderful person in my life which makes it easier for me to stay normal and happy. sometimes it feels that there was nothing wrong in my life. but sometimes, i feel really alone because she cannot understand my family aituation or how i feel. she is from a normal and happy family, so she doesnt know a lot of things and it will take ages for me to explain everythong to her. also i want to keep her away from all of this so that it does affect our present.

but sometimes, it just feels good to talk to someone and tell them the crap of the past, who would have some understanding of fucked up family life.

[–]GrandMastaGrizz 12 points13 points  (5 children)

I spent the last year and a half dealing with my parents divorce, and I spent a lot of time angry that at my father, because I knew most of the things that were happening to me were because of his actions. I didn't talk to him for months, dropped all communication with our family on his side and often gotten into rage filled conversations over the phone.

I thought I was being the big man and saying fuck you to everything about him, denouncing him as my father, promising to live exactly opposite of him. It hurt me. It hurt me deeply. I'd never experienced true depression or anxiety until I decided to say fuck you to the old man. It made me feel good in the moment, when I could say everything I wanted to, to make him feel my anguish and guilt (no one can say they don't feel guilty about any relationship being broken) that he had pushed upon me.

The only thing was, it didn't help me at all. It made me ponder why like mrlanious said, what he could have been going through to make those decisions. It made me pity him, but then myself. I was better than that. I knew he was too. Those decisions defined him in your eyes, but as long as you hold that to him, he will always be that person in your eyes. There is room for everyone to grow, and I think this would be a great time in your life to allow yourself to transcend whatever barriers you have put up between yourself and your father. Forgiveness is bliss. As a religious person would put it; Love the sinner, hate the sin.

The only thing I can tell you to do is try talking to him. See what he has to say. Most likely, he's felt that guilt all since he had left. If anything, he'd probably open and ask you about what happened after he had gone. He's probably at a stage where he realized where he went wrong, and now he wants a chance at redemption, if not to at least make sure you are alright, or to rejoice in the fact that you made so much out of so little. Give him a chance, allow yourself to heal and explore the love you never had.

[–]DeeHoss 67 points68 points  (8 children)

How does this have no upvotes? That was amazing. My childhood was nothing like that, but i got so much out of it. If no one else reads this, i wanted you to know at least one person did. Thanks so much for taking the time to put your experience, strength, and hope out there for us.

[–]infallibleevil 2394 points2395 points  (209 children)

Send him that shit. He needs to know that he failed. You did a great job writing this.

[–][deleted] 318 points319 points  (27 children)

You did a great job writing this.

It was very powerful to read - for me, as a complete stranger - so I can only imagine how it will make his father feel. It definitely needs to be sent.

Also, it reminded me of this.

[–]DancesWithDaleks 71 points72 points  (16 children)

I knew what it was gonna be. What else could it be? Of course it would be that.

But I fucking clicked it. And now I'm crying. I'm going to go call my daddy.

[–]dracoirs 52 points53 points  (8 children)

at least you have one to call, mine exists, but has never acknowledged my existance

[–]DancesWithDaleks 36 points37 points  (3 children)

I'm sorry to hear that. I realize that I'm very lucky.

[–]funshinebear13 10 points11 points  (1 child)

I want to call my dad too....but he is dead :(

[–]cathyblues 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Internethug! same here :(

[–]RosieMuffysticks 4 points5 points  (0 children)

My father is a murdering psychopath. He put all of us through hell growing up. I wish everybody had a daddy they could go call. You're so, so lucky!


Oh my god that scene, this thread...so much suppressed sadness.

[–]ALT-F-X 1355 points1356 points  (131 children)

He already knows. But I'm up for shaming bad parents any day of the week.

[–]katiat 70 points71 points  (0 children)

One has to be a clear thinker in order to know how bad one is. And people usually aren't, particularly when it comes so close to the core. Man, people even fail to see their own grammatical errors as well as they spot somebody else's. So chances are this letter will set things straight for him and I am ALL for it. Please do it for all of us who have suffered from absent fathers.

[–]Dangger 316 points317 points  (42 children)

He already knows and he is contacting him because he feels bad and wants forgiveness. In reality, he is the same egotistical asshole. Once abandoned his son and now wants peace of mind because he can't sleep.

[–]ColostomySquad 308 points309 points  (32 children)

Exactly this. My fathers mother abandoned him and my 2 uncles when my dad was 5, and my uncles 3 and 18mths. Then my grandfather died when my dad was 11. that woman wouldn't have anything to do with her 3 sons. They ended up with some distant relatives, and were sort of ok. But she didn't give a shit.

Fast forward 20ish years to when my dad was about 33. She 'found god' and called him out of the blue, and said if god can forgive her, so can my dad. He said GTFO you crazy bitch. She cried and said it was keeping her up at night blah blah, and his reaction was 'what about all the nights I had to comfort my baby brothers?' she had nothing except to say how guilty she was now and how hard it is for her.

This is also a woman who out of the blue sent my gay youngest uncle a letter saying he was condemned to hell due to his wicked ways. She hadn't spoken to him since he was 9 up until that letter, as she had heard he was gay and felt it was her 'motherly duty to protect him'. My grandma is a bitch.

[–]Puck759[🍰] 67 points68 points  (3 children)

You misspelled "cunt".

[–]tanerdamaner 95 points96 points  (17 children)

She is no nana. She is some gossiping, guilty, probably white trash bitch who just so happens to have grandchildren.

[–]frogman521 27 points28 points  (0 children)

Having a nana, I can confirm she certainly is not.

[–]steerio 24 points25 points  (0 children)

Right, it's all about him again.

[–][deleted] 880 points881 points  (37 children)

non-parents. bad parents at least try.

[–]lepuma 46 points47 points  (15 children)

Well, he is is father, which makes him a parent. And he left, so he is therefore a bad parent. Seems reasonable.

[–]higginsnburke 113 points114 points  (9 children)

You don't get the privilaged title "parent" if you weren't one.

This guy is just some guy who had sex.

[–]MooseCaca 46 points47 points  (7 children)

Exactly. In my house, we call them sperm or egg donors. They are in no way parents.

[–]HakunaMatata94 103 points104 points  (5 children)

Bad parents have to be there to be bad

[–]somedude456 22 points23 points  (0 children)

Agreed. However, he may reply, and things may go from there. All these words in the OP's letter need to be said. You can tell he wants to get all that off his chest. Maybe then at some point later on, his dad will try again and then can possibly start some form of communications. For now, I agree he needs to send that letter.

[–]Udderbruddur 47 points48 points  (4 children)

Agreed. He's had opportunities in the past. The only thing he deserves is to be reminded of how wrong he was for the situation he left you with. Time will tell if his intentions are true towards you or simply his own selfish fulfillment to whipe away his guilty conscience.

[–]coolkid1717 21 points22 points  (0 children)

I cried. Not being close to my dad, i can't imagine how this feels.


Just so it gets seen, before you send it you might want to fix this small grammatical mistake.

...I still can't spend time in closed in dark spaces after being shut in closets.

It should either be:

'...I still can't spend time in closed, dark, spaces...'


'...I still can't spend time enclosed in dark spaces...'

[–]ParentPostLacksWang 42 points43 points  (5 children)

or '...I still can't spend time in closed-in dark spaces...'

Enclosed is colloquially interchangeable with closed-in - but the hyphenation is important.


Ah, thank you. I knew I wasn't 100% correct, but I felt that something was off with that sentence.

[–]agent-99 2 points3 points  (0 children)

"came" should be "come"

"Was" should be "was"

"any one's" should be "anyone's"

other than the few minor grammar-nazi correction suggestions, it's really well written, says what you need to say, and is not too long or wordy. the corrections Boring and Parent suggest could be artistic choices. honestly, justjackson, you did a great job, and it doesn't seem too mean, just honest.

[–]Vayre 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Read heart-wrenching letter about troubled childhood, someone comments to correct a minor grammatical mistake.

Yep, i'm still on reddit.

[–]hooj 84 points85 points  (7 children)

Grats on making it, I'm sure it wasn't easy.

My only comment about the letter is, what are you trying to accomplish with this? Like, what's your end goal?

I really like the letter -- I think it hits hard without being really whiny. However, what are you looking to accomplish with this? It's not to make you reconsider sending it, but I just think you might want to take a moment to align your expectations with reality.

You don't owe anything to that man. You don't owe him an explanation. You don't owe him any insight on your life, how you turned out, nor how you're a million times the father he ever was.

You're in the driver seat.

[–]ikonnoklast 3 points4 points  (0 children)

an upvote for you, sir. i agree that jackson owes the "donor" nothing. Good job of recreating your life, jackson, good job of HAVING a life and being a good father. [digital fistbump]

[–]Bodegus 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Good point... but sometimes it's good enough to let a person know how horrible they are.

[–]aemilius_lepidus 21 points22 points  (5 children)

Oh, you also got your dad in the asshole department store? Yeah, I got a similar model.

I'd advice you not to send it. I know, everybody else here thinks its a good idea, but from experience I can tell you its not. Some anonymous forum like this one always goes for "revenge", which is kinda what you are dishing out here.

And there is nothing wrong with that, BUT I can promise you that if you are anything like me, you will be prone to mood swings, right? The kind that hurt other people, right? Well they are gonna get worse when you deal with your father again like this, because abandonment is one of the reasons for those mood swings. Now I am all for confronting ones own issues, but with you father its emotionally unsolvable. When you enter this relationship with him (and yes, even telling him to fuck off is a kind of relationship), than you will once again start basing parts of your life on emotions and the rejection by your father. And again, if you are anything like me, this tends to fuck you up emotionally.

So, if it were me, I'd ignore that fucker. Might not be the reaction that you strife for, but its better in the long run for yourself.

[–][deleted] 209 points210 points  (20 children)

You should send him that. He really needs to hear it. But don't take it to heart if he doesn't care or reacts badly too it. This is a man who took 2 decades to even contact his own son. Therefore, don't get your hopes high.

Very minor detail, but I would've used his last name when referring to him. Such as Dear, Mr._____ Names might seem trivial, but they hold a lot of significance. The point of the letter is to be curt and tell him you don't want to be his son. Therefore, by using Mr. you are treating the receiver of the letter as some stranger/distant acquaintance rather than someone you are close with.

Also, I hope you live an enjoyable life from now on. You truly deserve it.

[–]Froynlaven 91 points92 points  (10 children)

Using Mr. ____ could also imply respect. Using just his first name avoids that, kinda like when teenagers try calling their parents by their first names.

Too bad sarcastic air quotes don't work as well in writing as they do in person, or I'd say go with "dad" every time.


It was nice seeing you...Lou.

[–]truthorfiction 28 points29 points  (3 children)


Damn, I knew I had gotten the quote wrong. On my phone so I couldn't check. Make more sense, I guess, though perhaps the part before 'Lou' should be put between brackets to show an inserted line which enables a better grasp of context. Or whatever, it's only Reddit, ya'll know the scene already.


Yeah, but Mr. implies a sort of professional distance, which I think works better than the first name. Calling your father Mr. X would probably make him feel worse than calling him by his first name. And it seems like that's the point of this letter. It lets the anger come through subtext.

[–]Z0mb13K1tty 167 points168 points  (4 children)

I have profound respect for you. He needs to know.

[–]beware_of_hamsters 79 points80 points  (2 children)

"P.S.: That one guy on the internet, Z0mb13K1tty, totally respects me."

tbh, I don't think that's such a good idea.

[–]RyanKinder 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I guess on the bright side it isn't someone named "holocaustneverhappened" praising him.

[–]zulan 7 points8 points  (0 children)

He is not your dad. He supplied genetic material.

Dad's stick around. Dad's are there when you need them, help you ride a bike, take you fishing, hold you in the dark after you had a nightmare. Shows you the good things in life. Being a great dad is HARD.

That schlub hardly deserves a glance. You are being generous in this letter, but being the better man is better for you.


I guess i'm the only one and i know you are hurt. But i feel you should meet him at least. If only once, maybe he can explain why he wasn't a father. Maybe he was on drugs as well or had other problems.

I would at least hear him out, give him that much. But thats just me

[–]bluequail 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Word of warning, he may want to meet you because he is in need right now. He may have destroyed his life to the point that he thinks he can move in on you and be a parasite in your life.

So meet with him if you want, but if he tries to set you up for you to help him, don't have any reservations about telling him to piss up a tree.

[–]sapunec7854 9 points10 points  (0 children)

It's your decision OP. We don't know anything

Your "dad" might have been an emotional wreck, filled with guilt, a poor soul and a regular guy who just made a bad decision but regrets it sincerely. A person who is truly sorry and one step away from committing suicide

Your "dad" might also be a fucking parasite who now wants to have an emotional wank by feeling undeserved forgiveness

You know best, its up to you, you're a grown man (as you said yourself) so act like it and don't ask a bunch of random kids on reddit

[–]EmpressSharyl 37 points38 points  (0 children)

Send it to him. He should be accountable for what he did. You are not a convenience.

I've fostered teens, and I have worked with teens in foster homes. It's terrible what they go through. I'm sorry you had such bad experiences. Not all foster parents are in it for the money, though most are.

When I had my foster child, I offered to let her stay all the way through college, well after she would have 'aged-out'. Which meant I would have received no money for her, not that they pay alot in the first place. She decided at 18 1/2 to go back to her mom, which was her choice. But at least she is doing well, now. I'm happy that you are doing well, too, in spite of what you went through.

[–]stevesy17 54 points55 points  (8 children)

Father named Jack, son named Jackson? I think I see what's going on here.

The internet... is amused.

[–]Ex_Tractor_Fan 53 points54 points  (2 children)

Jack, I am not your son. From Jackson.

[–]guardian1991 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Lost my shit when I saw Jackson at the bottom! Had to scroll back up because I couldn't believe it, laughed even harder.

[–]GloriousDawn 22 points23 points  (2 children)

I am 98% convinced it's an elegant writing trick used by OP to conceal identities.

[–]lauranikilove 147 points148 points  (14 children)

You'll probably never see this, and if others do I'll get downvoted to hell, but I think it needs to be said. You left a bit out when it came to your dad. He may have left your mom because he was forced into a situation he couldn't handle, or he may have been a dick, who knows. If you send that letter, it may make you feel ok and proud for a little while, but deep down it won't slove anything or take away the hurt. Your dad leaving may have been the best thing he coud think of at the time because he knew he couldn't care for you. No one wants their family, let alone child, to go through such horrible things you did.

I came from a really fucked up and abusive family. These were my blood parents, and I went through a lot of what you've been through. I bounced around between my mom, dad, grandma, friend's parents, and even the streets. I ended up pregnant at 15 because I wanted someone to love me so bad, and I didn't understand what the consequences were. I ended up having my son because my family (and his) convinced me it was the right thing to do. When I had him only his father, who was 16, and my mother were there. My mom had me induced early so that she could catch a plane to Vegas with her "fiance" she was stealing money and pain pills from.

For the next 10 months I tried as hard as I could to be a good mother, even though I was primarily on my own. It finally came down to the point where I no longer had diapers or any other supplies to care for an infant, and I decided adoption was the only way. His father had left inbetween this time because he just didn't know how to deal with what was going on. To be honest, even to this day I don't blame him. Your dad may have been 24, but from what you've said you're mother was a heroin addict, which leads me to believe your dad was an addict of some sorts as well. Being an addict brings you back yo that childish state of mind. It may have been the only way your dad knew how to cope at the time, and he may have thought leaving you was a way of protecting you.

I am not one to judge by all means, however I do think that by holding onto such hatred for someone "simply" walked away will only end up poisoning you in the end. I'm not telling you to forgive and forget by any means, I'm just hoping you can find peace for yourself and hopefully close that chapter in your life.

Edit: I accidentally a word.

[–]ilovegingermen 40 points41 points  (5 children)

But at the same time, when his mother died his father was contacted and did nothing. He'd rather have his son go through multiple foster homes than step up? In that aspect I can't imagine how hard it would be to look at it from the father's prospective, addict or not. My father was an addict for a lot of my life, but when it came time for him to be a man and do what he needed to do, he did it.

Side note: My dad's still a dick.

[–]blink1023 7 points8 points  (0 children)

best of luck to you and your children! i happy to see you made it

[–][deleted] 138 points139 points  (11 children)

I've lived as fucked up a life as anybody. The difference is that my dad died.

I would give ANYTHING in this world outside of my children for 1 minute with my dad. Yeah, it's different, but it's the same.

Don't pussy out by sending a letter or an email. Go talk to the man face to face. See that he's not the antichrist - he's a 5 foot something pile of meat just like you. Meet him, yell at him, and move on if that's what you want to do, but don't hide from it.

You have something unique in front of you. It might not be something you want, but it's something that plenty of other people would. You may think that writing something down will help you out, but it's entirely different than face to face.

[–]killerqueen678 55 points56 points  (5 children)

This, completely. My dad abandoned me and my brother when we were infants (I'm 22 now). Never contacted us for 17 years. The week before my 17th birthday, he called my mom to talk. Asked to see us. I was so angry at him, I kept telling myself I didn't have a dad and I didn't need one.

I got a call a year and a half after he tried to meet with me. He had died. I went to the funeral, where I met him for the first time.

I would give anything to be able to talk to him now. To hear his story. To know if he loved me at all, or just saw me as some disposable thing.

edit: "too" to "to"

[–]Saargasm 9 points10 points  (0 children)

You know, my mother never really knew her father as he was a drunk whom beat my Grandma. He abandoned my Grandma and my mom when she was 3. Luckily, my (step)Grandpa (didn't know this until I was about 15) married my Grandma and took care of my mom as if she were his own. I've asked my mom about my real Grandpa years ago and other than saying she had no desire to meet him and that he passed away when she was 13, she didn't go into details.

I've always wondered if, deep down, she regrets not wanting to see her father. When he was on his death bed (cancer) he requested that he see his "only daughter". My Grandma tried to force her to go to the Hospital, but my mom refused.

I love reading Reddit. All the different view points and stories really can open your mind. I grew up in a "Brady Bunch" home where my parents wouldn't even fight in front of us, so I can't even fathom some of your stories here.

[–]portalscience 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Exactly this. Maybe OP should hate his father and give all hope on a relationship. But without talking to him, he can't be absolutely certain, because he won't know why his father left him. The closure involved in just discussing with his father is worth the time, even if OP won't bring him into the family.

[–]dalittle 5 points6 points  (1 child)

It is worth the effort to keep toxic people out of your life, even if they are blood.

[–]LordofBobz 36 points37 points  (4 children)

Now listen, I'm going to go against what everyone else is saying and say don't send it. This man i'm sure, is well aware of the mistake he has made. You sending this message will do no good to you or to him. Drop it and move on or actually give him a chance. Giving him a message simply shooting him down and giving him your story does nothing. You've wrote it out so you can pretend you've said it to him and got it off your chest, but sending it will do more harm than good if it does anything at all.

[–]jimbobscoveralls 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Or even more so, entirely unaware. When the mom OD'ed he may have, ignorantly but genuinely, believed that adoption was the best route for his son to have a good life he felt ill-equipped to provide. I think many young or disadvantaged parents choose adoption because they believe it is the child's best shot. You want your kids to have more... a better life than you did coming up. He may have been entirely unaware he has condemned you to a hellish childhood.

Even more so, imagine when he got the call that mom OD'ed with the children there. He may have thought mom could do what he couldn't as a parent, obviously that ended poorly, reinforcing his poor judgement and failure as a father. Maybe he hoped or believed you would find a loving family with the means to care for you through the adoption process.

[–]JadenAlekis 33 points34 points  (2 children)

"Forgiveness is the trait most closely linked with happiness."

You should forgive him. Not because he deserves it, but because it's what's best for you. You deserve freedom from the bitterness you're carrying.

[–]woo545 13 points14 points  (1 child)

When I was 19, my girlfriend said that the doctor told her she couldn't get pregnant due to ovarian cysts. This proved to be false. I wanted to keep the child, she wanted to give her up for adoption. I had just gotten my gf out from being a ward of the state and she was living at my house with the 'rents. She clashed a lot with my mom to the point that she got kicked out of the house. We went to a hotel for a week with the money we were trying to save up for an apartment. I lost my job as a pizza deliver driver due this ordeal (left work to sort this crap out) but quickly got another one. She lost her job because she never went to work.

Due to the financial reason, she went and stayed with her guy friend. She was always a smoker (at least a pack a day) and I was supporting this habit while thinking of what this was doing to my child. She drank and I think she got high at least once. This was completely stressing me out. One day about 4 or 5 months in, she broke up with me, but wanted to keep me around because of the baby. I was CRUSHED. So here I am, with the situation completely unchanged, except that we were no longer considered going out. A little later on she tells me she slept with the roommate. I drove to his work and confronted him, he verified it.

Since she was going to give the child up, I let the child go. Being that I am adopted and had a loving family, I wanted to give the child the opportunity to have a loving family without me confusing things. It was important to me to allow them the time to build a strong bond. I vowed that if my ex went for child support, I'd go straight for custody.

Fast forward to about 3 yrs ago, I get this really weird feeling that my ex was going to contact me through FB. A week later, low and behold, I get an email, asking me to please read the email before deleting it. My ex told me that my (soon to be 18 yr old) daughter was on FB and would like to get to know me. I was able to quickly find her and started an email, only to find that her security settings prevented it. So I fired off a friends request.

The following day, she accepted it and wrote an email that just made my heart flood. She told me that she loved me and she didn't blame me for what happened. She was told by my ex that I wanted to keep her and that it made her so happy to hear this because it meant I loved her, too. I was so overwhelmed with emotion. I told her that the break up had nothing to do with her. She told me that she was adopted and had a wonderful loving family. She herself, is so much like me, which really makes you wonder about the nature vs. nurturing.

My ex later told me that she never slept with the other guy (until she had my daughter and got pregnant again). She said she knew I would fight to keep the child and was best to get rid of me so she could put our daughter up for adoption. She said she regretted ever since and she was sorry.

Anyway, I still haven't met my daughter in person, despite the close vicinity (it hasn't been out of the lack of trying!), but we keep in touch in via Facebook and she has my phone number. I did met her dad though and he is great. He reminds me a lot of my own dad. She's even asked me for life advice which makes me feel wonderful (and whether it's due to my influence or not, she is following it) :D

TLDR; I gave up my daughter because I loved her.

So, I guess my feeling is: try not to hold hatred for him. Sure he might not have been the greatest father, but there's probably a lot more to the story than you may know. Also, it might be a good idea to find out your family medical history.

“Hate is a wasteful emotion, most of the people you hate don't know you hate them and the rest don't care.” ~ Medgar Evers


I don't think it matters if you send it or not. Your obviously a damn good man, and very strong to have been through what you did.

You don't need his affirmation of that, or his shame. If you honestly want him to know how much stronger you were than he was at your age, just leave him hanging.

Maybe you change your mind down the road, who knows. But right now, you seem pretty confident in yourself, and your actions. Right now, it seems like he might need closure, whereas you seem to have already moved on.

But, idk, I'm not in your shoes, and I didn't experience what you, or your father went through.

Just try and consider everyone's decisions, good and bad, and go from there. And always know, you ended up being the better person, no matter what you decide.

[–]mcdonaldsdick 44 points45 points  (13 children)

Most likely going to be buried, but I want to say this. Going through life with such Anger and hate is no way to live life. Your past events can't shape you are. Even at 24 you are still growing and maturing, never let that stop. Your dad may not have been there for your life, but forgiveness can go a long ways, it can hurt, but it is worth letting go of anger and sadness, if only for a spark of love that you never felt from him.

Whatever your decision may be, I wish you the best of luck, for you and your wonderful family.

[–]Skyeblade 2 points3 points  (0 children)

i didnt really see any anger or hate here to be fair.

[–][deleted] 11 points12 points  (19 children)

Are foster homes in (presumably the USA) really this bad?


[–]yolo1999swag 40 points41 points  (11 children)

In short: Yes. There are two children who live down my street, both girls aged 6. One is a foster child and one is a biological daughter. The foster child's mother is too much of a mess to look after her. The agency used to try to arrange meetings between her and her mother, but they've since given up because the mother never shows and it's too distressing for the little girl. Last Christmas, the biological daughter woke up to a Christmas tree full of presents, but the foster girl got nothing. We felt bad for her so we gave her some presents ourselves, but that doesn't make up for the pain I'm sure she felt that morning, even though she put on a brave face and pretended it didn't bother her.

[–]0hn035 33 points34 points  (2 children)

Stories like this bum me out so badly. My dad and step mom do foster care, and every kid who comes in gets a strict set of rules (as do their biological kids) and a family. They are all family. we are all brothers and sisters. My family has ended up adopting four, soon to be five. There really are a few good families out there, but I hate that the system is broken

[–]CajunSioux 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Love to your parents, and your siblings (and YOU!). Sharing your hearts and home with someone is difficult, but rewarding. I hope that you know what remarkable people (have?) raised you!


[–]AccountCreated4This 9 points10 points  (2 children)

I don't understand why people take in kids if that's their attitude. Like is the government check really that good to put up with having this kid you actively don't want in your life? Surely there are better ways to scam the government.

[–]damontoo 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You only hear about the horror stories. A friend of the family was a foster parent and ended up adopting their child. They're great parents.

[–]sophisticated_eyebro 52 points53 points  (74 children)

Send that. Show him what he did to you. He really messed things up with you, but do you want to meet him, just to see what he is like?

[–]justjackson[S] 156 points157 points  (73 children)

Honestly, no. I only feel disgust and anger when I think about him. I'm sure he's not the devil incarnate. It seems like he has a stable job and a wife who tags him in posts and three kids (who are closer in age to my kids than me) who he is probably a decent dad to. But all of these nice things he may be, he never was to me.

[–]loofawah 131 points132 points  (41 children)

All of that disgust and anger might be holding you back from being the best person you can be... it certainly can't be helping. Perhaps you will be happier if you at least talk. I'm sure it will be hard to give him any sympathy, but in the long run it might just be the best thing to do.

You don't have a give him a chance to be your dad, but talking is how healthy adults handle issues and it sounds like you might still have a few.

[–]Johnlocksmith 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Or all that anger is being channeled into breaking the cycle of abuse with his own kids. The disgust could be a constant reminder that some people are selfish pieces of shit that don't deserve forgiveness, and wouldn't know what to do with it if given.

Some betrayals deserve a life sentence of exile. Just because someone donates DNA does not justify blanket forgiveness. This will sound like overkill to most of you, but if you have family members like this you might understand.

[–]Remerez 26 points27 points  (20 children)

Honestly some thing should never be rehashed. My father cheated on my mom and desserted Deserted the whole family, my brother, my mom and me for the new woman. Next time I saw him years later when he rolled up on my door I immediately punched him in the face. There is a demon inside me and my dad created it.

[–]bmcnult19 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Dude the guy was a complete selfish cock head. I wouldn't give him the light of day personally. I mean in any other part of our society when someone isn't responsible they get punished. THIS GUY WAS IRRESPONSIBLE WITH A PERSON'S LIFE! I just don't understand how you could go through abuse for 14 years because someone flaked on their responsibilities and not at least send a semi-hurtful letter. Maybe they feel bad but OP went through years of hell. Fuck him. Fuck him good. Revenge is definitely not the right way to go but ignoring him, I think, is perfectly acceptable. I mean some things just aren't forgivable. But then again we haven't heard the father's side of the story either.

[–]teppicymon 46 points47 points  (0 children)

I really can't agree more with this sentiment - seriously Jackson I hope you consider this advice. Don't let that disgust and anger remain inside you forever. Give him his opportunity to respond and maybe, just maybe, you may come out of it an even better person. Love and hugs from one Dad to another

[–]NearHi 25 points26 points  (0 children)

What an asshat to have abandoned you and yet have his own, newer, shinier family. I mean this, too.

[–]kepners 13 points14 points  (1 child)

Unfacebook the fucker. Seriously. Fck him off and dont torment your self thing "why me". Man is a cunt.

[–]purkle 8 points9 points  (0 children)

best thing i ever did to my mother after being abused by her for years. Told her to have a good life and blocked all communications. No sense reminding yourself for years on end of what coulda shoulda woulda been.

[–]purkle 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Don't apologize for him or think of him as a good father. You are his son but he is Not your father. He is deserving of your ire for not being there for you, regardless of how "good" he is to his wife or current kids.

[–]zodar 16 points17 points  (1 child)

I'd sleep on it, reread and decide in the morning.

That said, you are a very good writer. Clear, concise, logical, and you lead your reader from point to point smoothly.

[–]AcidRose27 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I agree with this. In the morning you may decide you don't want to contact him at all. Or you may change your mind. Sleep on it. Revisit it tomorrow when you get a chance. I'm sorry you went through this.

[–]vinegar_fighter 30 points31 points  (8 children)

Yeah, I wouldn't send this.

Listen, I won't diminish your struggle, both current and past, and there could absolutely be more to your father's story that you are aware of and I'm clearly not, but don't do this.

This letter is an attack. Its a way of lashing out at a man that you feel could have made your suffering less. You won't gain anything from this. Nothing. You have proven yourself, or at least you portray yourself in such a way that deems you as a pretty good guy. This is not good guy stuff. This is a scornful child trying to find vindication.

I'm replying a bit late so no one will see this but you, OP, so this is my advice. Meet with him. Be civil. Give him one hour of your life, that's it. Speak with him and learn from him. He made mistakes, and from those mistakes are lessons that can help you out. If you cut him off with this message not only will you come off as immature (which again, it sounds like you probably aren't due to the way you describe your life), but you may never get another chance to meet with this man.

And that's all he is. A man. He has no power over you and cannot hurt you any further at this point if you don't allow him to. Take the chance that he is completely different at this point, and thus worth exploring. Agree to meet with him, somewhere public like a restaurant, prepare to pay for his meal (but be grateful and accept if he offers to pay) and go in with the mentality that this is a one time only thing. Think hard before you mention your family or wait until you feel comfortably enough to do so. Remember you don't know this man, keep your cards to yourself and reveal your hand once he reveals his. He took the first step in contacting you so figuring out what he's holding should happen fast and be easy enough.

Worse case scenario: He's a bum who wants something from you and tries to become your friend in order to get it.

Best case scenario: You meet a surprisingly interesting man who apologizes but acknowledges the worthlessness of his apologies and doesn't pretend that he's now in the good with you.

tl;dr - Meet with him. Don't assume you know the outcome of any situation and be curious enough to try something so long as you set up rules and precautions. Life isn't like what you see on TV, he may just be a regretful, normal guy.

[–]MetalBrother 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I sent my father something like this after finding him on facebook. I was 23 and fairly drunk. I was pretty mean and believe it or not, part of me regrets it. Not a big enough part to make me feel bad or anything but I didn't think at the time I would regret it at all. Because honestly, fuck that guy. Anyways, he didn't write back. In fact he either blocked me from viewing his facebook profile at all (even the listing) or deleted it. All I really wanted was some sort of apology or explanation for abandoning me completely at a year old and again when I found him at 12 and we talked on and off for a few months. Plus his less than stellar track record when it came to his massive $100 a month child support payments (grew up maaaaad broke). Last I heard he has a wife and daughter now...like a for real daughter! And a really nice house. I grew up in trailers and one bedroom apartments with my mom. Seriously. Fuck. That. Guy.

Anyways, just make sure you don't regret anything cause that'll just be one more thing he takes from you.

EDIT: Urgh, after writing that out I just got so mad again at him for not responding. What an asshole. I hate that this guy I've never actually met can piss me off like this. WHO FUCKING ABANDONS THEN PRETENDS THEIR KID DOESN'T EXIST?! Send your father the letter.

[–]justanotherlooser 7 points8 points  (2 children)

Sometimes the best in us is drowning in your worst. The letter you wrote is great and if your father has any emotions, it will make him cry and the underlying retribution will get him. If not immediately, in some way or the other. Count on this.

With what you went through (foster homes, poverty, neglect and abuse) made you a better man than your old man. It probably made you a better person than most, with a loving heart, maybe filled with compassion and kindness.

At first thought or even at a second thought, it may not appear to be true, but resolving the relationship with compassion will bring closure.


looks good to me.

[–]dagnart 16 points17 points  (0 children)

I think that's a great letter. I completely understand how you feel and it's entirely justified. He should not be spared any of that.

That being said, try to be open to the possibility that he feels absolutely awful about what he did to you. He was young and made a terrible mistake, and maybe he realizes that. There is, of course, no way he can make up for what he did, and his apology after all this time doesn't mean very much. You don't have to have him in any part of your life, but it could do you good to learn to eventually learn to forgive him. Anger like that can be toxic, and often you don't realize how much it was weighing you down until you let it go.


As a child of similar circumstance, I think you should go and meet the guy. It will show him that you are a real man, and not just a man of words if you face him with your story rather than allow him to read it on a piece of paper.

[–]dragsys 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Not having read your fathers original letter, I don't have much to go on, but it's been 22 years. Things change and he very well may have realized that what he did was wrong and that he's hoping that he can in some small way make amends for his actions.

I wouldn't send this letter without knowing a little more about his reasons for contacting you and his current mental state. It's brutal to the point of being abusive and if he happens to be at a stage where he is trying to cope with his failures in life (mid-life crisis or something of that nature), this letter could be the trigger that causes him to eat a bullet.

[–]hgafphgf 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Does it make me a horrible person to meet him just to tell him how I grew up? This is not the thing that make you a horrible person. The thing that makes you bad is the way that you are asking this question.

You are going to do something that can broke your dads heart (no matter whether he deserves it or not) and you need to justify it somehow, so you are looking for people who will back you up in it. Even though, many people would say that you are doing wrong, you will filter them and listen only to those who share your point of view.

[–]tnp636 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I am the father of a 3-year-old. Fuck that guy. If you want to reconnect for yourself, for your wife, or for your kids, you should. But whatever you do, remember that it's for you or them, not for him.

And it's totally ok for you to come off bitter and angry. Or however else you want to express yourself. Because... fuck that guy.



Your "dad" sounds like an incredible tool that thinks he can just walk away because he "wasn't ready to be a parent" and assume everything works out fine. Seriously, saying "well I guess it's time to meet your siblings" like it wasn't even a problem?

He's a horrible person and he deserves to know it. You can't just abandon a child to the worst life possible and just move on to have another family and figure "hey my life turned out okay". No it didn't. Because you ruined your child's life to get where you are. It's one thing to step on people to succeed in life, it's another thing for one of those people to be your god damn son.

[–]chalupacabrariley 20 points21 points  (0 children)

He's not your father. You don't owe him anything just because you are the fruit of his loins. Being a dad is a privilege, not a right, and for him to contact you with expectations is low.

[–]lightshowhermit 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Go ahead and send it. If afterwards he still wants to talk give him a chance. I did the same for my father, I did this to find out what kind of man my father was. All I had to go on were anti dad/man propaganda bits from my mother. But I met him lived with him and the family he left me and my pregnant mother for and I'm glad I did because I would've never met my awesome brothers and sisters (though if my mom weighs in they aren't my brothers). Anyway I found out for myself what he was like I set aside my harsh feelings to look at him objectively. I can say comfortably that he (my father) is a horrible man, as I was starting to think that maybe he isn't a warm loving father he is a stable provider that only wants his sons to be productive members of society, he left his wife (my step mom or as she liked to say prosthetic mother) and 6 kids for a younger woman he knocked up. So in summary tell him off and if he wants to prove himself let him and find out for sure what kind of man he is.

[–]kinslow65 18 points19 points  (1 child)

He doesnt deserve a son like you.


I teared up.

[–]Tetriser 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Send it, you'll feel better. I'm sure you've been thinking about this message for a long time.

[–]drawnonward 2 points3 points  (0 children)

No kid should have to go through that. He had 20 years to reach out to you, why now? It's not for your sake, its to relieve his own guilt - and really just continuing his pattern of selfishness.

[–]AccountCreated4This 2 points3 points  (2 children)

Why did you accept his "Friend Request" on Facebook in the first place?

My dad tried that shit and I just ignored it, so he couldn't request me again in the future (before Facebook had better features to deal with this shit).

My life wasn't as "bad" as yours to phrase it curtly, but my dad wasn't ever there for me in a meaningful way. I haven't seen him in close to a decade. I will never feel relief that he can't hurt my family anymore until I know he's dead.

I could have told my dad off via Facebook message for all the shit he did to my family and the way he hurt my family, but he knows, or if he doesn't "know" he's in sociopathic denial or whatever.

So what is your end goal with that message?

It seems like you just want to shame him or make him feel guilt, and get some anger off your chest. But in the end, is that really going to make you feel any better? Is that going to enrich your life?

As you've learned, your family is what you make it. Blood doesn't define your real family. He's not your family, and his family is not your family.

So why accept his friend request? Why message him back at all?


While not directly comparable, my sister and my relationship to our dad wasn't a good one growing up. A lot of yelling, a lot of emotional and sometimes (for me) physical confrontations. My dad had a lot of emotional scars and insecurities that he passed on to us. I have a daughter and a son on the way, and my sister and I decided two things. First, we want to kill that part of our family legacy. Those scars will die with us. Second, we will be vigilant, we will be watchful, but we want our kids to know their grandpa, not my dad. I don't know if that makes sense, but I guess its our way of trying to move on. Your kids could have a stinking awesome grandpa, and you and he might find some measure of healing.