Sunday, June 27, 2010

Who'd have thought....

that reading back on my own blog could be inspirational?


came across that quote as I was reading back. ... very timely, and it helped shift my perspective, and let me fall calmly from my heightened state of vigilance ... arhhh that's better.

Think I'll have to write this one out for me to see every day... have just put it to go off on my phone at 11am every day...

Sunday, June 20, 2010


oh I just LOVE being a single mum. LOVE it... because you know it means I get to have SOOOOOOOOOOO much time to myself. Can go and do whatever I want when ever I want to... its a fucking blast!

I'm seriously fucking HATE that man.

I changed my mobile phone number to stop the constant texting. Which of course has moved on to emails. I spammed his email. But just getting them still drives me fucking nuts. I'm going to call the police again, make an appointment, and make a complaint... again... because apparently - 3 complaints, and THEN they will do something. so I will make another complaint, with the emails he has sent since I made the last one, and then I will go and make another complaint for the emails I will no doubt receive.

Manipulative piece of shit... how dare he take no responsibility. How dare he make this out to be about me. I think if I saw him right now, I'd punch him in the head... and probably keep punching... in fact I think I'd fucking run a knife through him.

I'm angry at myself, for not doing anything sooner. I'm angry that its affecting me. I'm angry that I feel like I dont want to do this anymore. I'll just walk out the door, and not come back.... oh its so easy to throw judgement around, and not take responsibility for anything. fucccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.

yes I'm fairly furious right now. incredibly so. want to pick up the phone and scream abuse at him. but then he wins....

so instead I'll dump abuse here and rant and scream. wish I sould say it makes me feel better. but it doesnt.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

how come its so hard to accept kindness?

why is it that I have such a hard time accepting someone being kind to me? Why do I feel so undeserving? a product of conditioning? of  living in chaos, and in hypervigilence mode?

Yet I  think nothing of extending kindness to others... but to be on the recieving end of kindness overwhelms me. My first response is um,... Why? Why would you want to do that for ME? Not that I verbalise it. Its just the first thing that comes into my head.

Mr D has asked me to go to Melbourne with him for the weekend mid-July. And I'm completely gob smacked. My first response in my head was Why? Why would you want to take me away?

I am going to go. but are feeling overwhelmed.. and trying to figure out why. There are tears just there. Maybe I should just stop trying to figure out why, and just be in the present. and accept it for what it is. an act of human kindness. and write on my mirror YOU ARE DESERVING.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

pandora's box












Monday, June 7, 2010


..... yep grrrrr.

I feel amazing, wonderful, fantastic, brilliant...... but....

the last two nights I have had flashback dreams. I haven't had dreams like this for a while. and usually when I dream about "him" something is coming...

I woke up in the night last night, crying. Its unsettling. Especially when all I want is someone to hold me, and help make that feeling go away.

I need to ring the Victim's Registry today and update my details... and I will be able to find out as well if anything has changed since the last time I called.

There is this sick black feeling in the pit of my stomach, that I am trying very hard to ignore... especially as everything else in my life has been feeling sooooooooooo good.


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