Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Crimes at home (pt. 1)

A post from last week started this way:

My life at home is usually pretty separate from what goes on around me at work. You know, less heroin, fewer aggravated robberies, barely any check forging, and not so much with the driving around the cul-de-sac swigging bourbon.

And that got me thinking, you know, especially with my impending move to the juvenile division: Could I convert the crimes I see in court every day into infractions for my family? Let's give it a shot.

Failure to stop and render aid (3rd degree felony, usually when someone causes an injury accident on the roads and then flees):
Henry pushes Nicola down the stairs, then comes whistling innocently into the kitchen for a glass of milk.

Huh, this is pretty easy. . . lemme try another one:

Possession of a controlled substance (degree depends on amount, usually crack, meth, cocaine, etc.):
Nicola is caught with chewing gum (she's five -- she's allowed it when she's 18.) This happened last week, and she's still serving a sentence for it.

Tampering with evidence (third degree, usually drugs being swallowed or flushed):
Nicola spits the aforementioned gum into a tissue, and heads for the trash can, whistling innocently).

Retaliation (third degree, like when someone is arrested and they threaten to kill the cop or a witness):
Are you kidding me? An every-day felony, depending on who's done what to whom, and who's tattling on whom. (See also Terroristic Threat and Harassment).

This is fun (for me, anyway) so I'm going to do more later in the week. . .


  1. Wow! Do they get a day in court, or do you just pronounce sentence? Do they get a court appointed attorney (because I am sure they cannot afford one)?

    This is funny, can't wait to read more.

  2. This was hilarious. I have a four year old so there are a lot of these types of "crimes" being committed in my home as well!

  3. Nice post. Your blog posts show real emotions. I like it. Keep posting. DO stay in touch.


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