Paris finds God in jail

Filed under: Satire

Exclusive for! Paris Hilton’s Prison Diary!
Days 8 thru 10

Dear Diary, 8
I think I figured out why the bull dyke bitch is such a well, you know, bitch? She told me that it costs something like ten times more money to put some one in the medical ward, well sure. It”™s much nicer, the rooms are sunnier and the colors go with my complexion, I”™m a winter. But you”™d think that for $1,109.78 a day you”™d at least get a massage! Oh and this woman from the ACLU was snooping around and was complaining that this ward is for people worse off than me. Who could be worse than me right now??!! And I signed all those petitions for their causes. I”™m marking stuff from the ACLU as spam from now on! So it seems my handlers really liked the me being more spiritual and turning to God. So I guess I have to run with that for a little while. Has anyone ever read that Bible? It”™s fucking huge and from what I can tell full of clichés!

Day 9
Saw mom and dad today. Nearly caused a riot outside, supposedly they got special treatment and were rushed passed the line. Well DUH, of course they get the royal treatment cos they”™re, you know, Hiltons? I mean come on. I mean please, if we were all really equal then I wouldn”™t even be here! No there is a human need that is in the DNA spiral thingy to create idols. Like the Greek myths and all, up to Marilyn Monroe alright? I”™m not crazy, really. Those Greek Gods did some messed up stuff, I mean really rank, like turning into a bull and raping a woman called Europa, so is that like what Europe named after? So is that like a metaphor for Zeus raping the world?? Sorry that is just sick, OK, and did they ever send a Greek God to Twin Towers Correctional Facility? NO! Oh and by the way, who the hell named this place?? I mean, Hello, weren”™t they watching the tv 6 and a half years ago?? Mom and Dad said they”™re really proud of me. I cried, still makes me”¦kinda”¦cry. Oh and they wanna throw a huge party for me when I get out! They rock!

Day 10
Oh my fuckingod! I can”™t believe it, my agency just dropped me!! That is just it! My publicist is gonna get such hell! Everything is Elliot”™s fault from now on! I can”™t do a thing from here. I”™m in jail for crying out loud. I mean WTF does he think?? I am so mad I wanna bite somebody”™s arm off! Why is this all happening to me? To ME? I try to be a good person, do the right things, buy people birthday presents and stuff. I share my drugs with everyone. I love animals and pets and stuff, you never see me in the same outfit twice! I mean come on whoever it is up there, God or whatever, why? Why art thou forsaking me? Is it cos I was mean to the ACLU lady? I promise I”™ll quit it. I will I really will. This is nuts, I”™m talking to God in the crazy ward at a correctional facility and my career is falling apart and I”™ve only been here a week! How many more days to go? Oh I can”™t even begin to contemplate. Forget it, I”™m just gonna breathe, in and then out again, then repeat. “¦. OK that”™s better, got a grip. I am beginning to understand what my ex, Joe, was talking about, he is in jail in Reno and he has been so helpful to me, you know getting me adjusted and all, and he is really making the most of his experience and I”™m really inspired. He”™s met all kinds of interesting people like car thieves and drug dealers. Uh Oh, I think my freak out alerted the staff. Here they come, fuc”¦.