Wednesday, September 21, 2011

English to Toddler Dictionary

I took Bailey and Drew to the American Girl Bistro today for lunch.  Well, since it's two o'clock in the morning, technically, I took them yesterday.

Sleep is what other people do.

So yesssterrrdaayyy, I took Bailey and Drew to the American Girl Bistro for lunch.  The themed restaurant is attached to the American Girl store, so after they rape and pillage you for their overpriced dolls and accessories, they can continue the abuse next door at the restaurant.

Bailey is almost too old for the American Girl Bistro (doesn't she sound about 87 right now?), but she choose to do that for her special vacation day. I guess any time she can talk me into dropping sixty bucks on some snacks, she's down with it.

Drew, on other other hand, was not as enthusiastic.  'Sitting still and eating?!  Can't we climb on furniture or pick boogers?'  Hence why he choose to go to Monkey Joe's yesterday for his special vacation day.  Oh yeah, and sorry about the boogers.

Drew warmed up to the idea after they offered to let him borrow a boy American Girl doll (American Boy doll?) to eat lunch with him.  His doll had its own high chair and place setting of food where Drew could take his table destroying skills to the next level.

Borrow.  It is such a simple word for adults to understand, but do you know how the word "borrow" translates in the English to Toddler Dictionary?

MINE.  All mine!

So when we left, I explained to Drew that the American Boy doll had to stay at the restaurant.  You would have thought that I cut his left arm off with a butter knife and left it as a tip.

As I carried him out kicking and screaming, I did that thing that all parents do when they are trying to convince total strangers that they are not child abusers or kidnappers.  I explained things things really loudly.

"I'm sorry, but we can't take that doll home.  It's not our baby doll. I'm so sorry."  Actually, it sounded more like this, "I'M SORRY, BUT WE CAN'T TAKE THAT DOLL HOME!  IT'S NOT OUR BABY DOLL.  I'M SOOOOO SORRY!"

And if you can read between the lines here, I was also saying, "If you will just stop crying until we get to the car, I will buy you a pony.  Pinkie promise."

It is important for parents to convince everyone around them that it's the kid fault.  It's not us.  We're awesome.

Just outside the restaurant, I bumped into someone who I haven't seen in about ten years.  The first thing that she said to me was, "Oh, have you got a tired little one? Is it nap time?"

Have you noticed how people will always ask if your children are tired when they are pitching a fit?

Because let's face it.  There's an elephant in the room.  A really loud, annoying elephant.  And it is better to say, "Somebody looks sleepy" than "Geez! Control your kid, you failure as a parent."

What I wanted to say was, "No, actually, he's not tired at all. See, the American Girl Bistro was nice enough to let me "borrow" a $200 doll so that my two year old can cry as I walk through the store to get to the parking lot.  They are banking on the fact that I will succumb to their marketing genius and drop two Benjamins on one of their overpriced toys.  But I'm not weak!  No, ma'am! I am going to walk out of here, holding my head up high, just like any good child abuser or kidnapper would."

But instead what I said was, "Yes, I've got a tired little one.  He missed his nap today."