Her Or Me

Happy 50th Pride! Stonewall happened because our queer brothers and sisters were tired of having to hide who they are, and who they love. Flash forward, 40-odd years and people are still ashamed of themselves for who they love. Only this time instead of becoming a societal and cultural touchstone, the story ends with the gay version of a Lifetime movie. Hey, Adam Lambert needs to work too.

David Kinney and Brad McGarry were best friends. They shared everything with one another. McGarry even stood up for Kinney at his wedding, according to several sources. Their relationship was founded on inappropriate humor, an unbending trust, and a hot affair. Good dick will do that to you every time.

Every melodrama has that moment where the story has to reach its main plot or climax. You know the one, where Lori Loughlin finds the dead body or cheats to get daughter into college. Kinney and McGarry?s first major plot point was when they ended up in bed together. Why has no one else written about that minute? How did it happen? People are curious!

The start of the climax was what happens to every married man who carries on an affair for any length of time. It usually happens after the third time the adulterous couple has sex, the moment every married man fears. ?When are you leaving your wife for me?? That?s when the side piece goes from being a fun distraction to another nuisance in life. A second wife (or husband). McGarry started asking that question, much to Kinney?s chagrin. He wanted to have his cake and eat his wife too.

As McGarry started ratcheting up his impatience with being the other person, Kinney started to strain at having to keep two spouses happy. Always a danger when cheating. Someone will eventually be unhappy and that will lead to the married man being unhappy. It?s a circle of unhappiness and it gets passed around more than herpes in a frat house.

Her and Me

Kinney and McGarry?s story literally takes the page out of every Lifetime movie. McGarry and the wife were at his house, dropping off some lawn maintenance equipment. Kinney found his daughter and then his wife with his best friend. Panic must have set in, too bad it wasn?t because Kinney would realize Brandon Urie was going to damage his career by doing a mediocre Taylor Swift song.

Seeing the two people he regularly enjoyed sex with, in the same proximity sent poor Kinney into a tailspin. His wife and daughter shrugged their shoulders and left. McGarry and his married lover got into a quarrel that was anything but pretty. It ended with Kinney killing his male lover and then trying to stage the murder scene like a robbery. Hey, even the Lifetime movies need some comic relief.

Me and The Police

This is how the tale diverges from most of the Lifetime movies we?ve all seen. Admit it, while waiting for a Golden Girls marathon to start, a melodrama fix was in store. It?s like a greasy hamburger for a hangover or keying an ex?s car after a breakup, some things just help you feel better. Kinney was thinking he was about to get away with the murder of his lover and get to keep his unhappy marriage together.

Police were having a hard time figuring out who would want McGarry dead, everyone really seemed to love him. Every lead they chased for the first 24-hours failed to catch fire. Until Schuyler Strawser, McGarry?s niece mentioned that her uncle had been having an affair with a married man. One who went by the initials DJ. It didn?t take Nancy Drew to figure out who he was having an affair with.

When police hauled Kinney back into the station, he changed his story ?seven or eight times.? Here?s a tip for unfaithful men who are going to murder their lovers, Don?t. Or if you do, stick to one story. Like ?I?m straight? or ?It was only one time when I had too much to drink?.? getting into complicated tales should be left to writers who get paid to do that.

Jail and Me

After an 8 day trial, Kinney was found guilty by a jury. Under Ohio law, this meant the sentence would automatically be life in prison. However, the Judge decided that he would not be a candidate for parole. He?s probably mad that he?s going to have to live the full trial over by way of a really bad Lifetime movie. Maybe while waiting for The Golden Girls?


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