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Showing posts from April, 2021

Learning to Shine Bright

I came to the conclusion that one of the reasons I'm feeling stuck with the Woman Ignited course right now, is because I've been trying to continually shrink myself into a smaller size. I'm not talking about my physical body, more I'm talking about my metaphysical body. My spirit. My soul. My personality. Everything that makes me, ME. I try to shrink my feelings and my emotions. I hide my childlike exuberance by holding back smiles and laughter. I'm afraid to be big. To have big energy. To laugh without holding back. I'm afraid to let myself shine. To let all of the light in, and have that light wrap around me like a warm blanket. No. I'm not worthy of having so much loving light. Why the fuck am I not worthy? Who said I'm not? I have come to another conclusion that part of why I feel this way is because I'm mentally and emotionally tired of being judged.  I've been judged since I was young for being my mom's daughter (literally because I ca

My Body Mythology- The Second Offense

I remember one evening at 10 years old, I went to the bathroom and noticed something on my underwear. A mysterious dark spot. I freaked out. I thought something was wrong with me. I told my mom. She said that I might be starting my period and to put a pad on.  If I woke up with something on it, I was having my first period. GREAT. Womanhood starting at 10. It's not like I wasn't already embarrassed that by the time I was in 4th grade my breasts were developing. I was already seen as weird. Now I had my period at 10, right before starting 5th grade. I woke up the next morning with blood on the pad. I was so very, very sad. My mom printed out information for me so I could learn about my period and what it meant. It was very straightforward. There wasn't specialness to it or any sort of celebration- it was all matter of fact, and thanks to the internet, the conversation was very simple. I remember giving a note to the teacher, letting her know that I might have to go to the nu

My Body Mythology- The First Offense

 *Sexual Abuse Trigger Warning* I was sexually abused by my oldest step-brother when I was 4 and he was 16.  ( I'll call him OSB, as in future writings my other step-brother may be mentioned, and I want to differentiate between the two. ) It was my first experience dealing with not being respected as a human being that I can recall from memory. My lack of consent was ignored, and fear was planted in my young mind. The abuse happened on two separate occasions, and I remember it one way, but my mom says it had to have happened the opposite way. To this day I'm not sure of which order anymore, but I will tell it how I recall it. In my mind, the first time happened outside in the storm cellar out at the homestead. I used to enjoy going into the storm cellar as it was so neat to my young self. After the incident, I never wanted to set foot in there again. I believe the three of us ( OSB, SB, and I were playing outside. ) OSB told me to follow him into the storm cellar, I don't r

A Love Letter

My Queen. You are my Goddess embodied and I am so sorry for how hard I have been on you.  I have tried to morph you into the idea of what a queenly body was supposed to be- not cultivating your true nature. I tried to shrink you down to size...starve you of nutrients.  I wanted to be small...delicate. I didn't understand or see your strength. A friend (massage therapist) once told me that it might be more difficult or take more time for me to build muscle. However, when I built muscle, I built GOOD muscle. My Queen, you knew all along that I would need to be strong to get through life. My broad shoulders would carry a lot of weight- so my heart would not be crushed. I tried to take advantage of you so much. Push you past certain points. The pain I received was you trying to get me to pull back. I'm sorry I was a poor listener. We are still working together through the repetitive motion strain/injuries. I am trying my best to take care of you not let pride d

A Woman Ignited

In March I decided to step out of my comfort zone and sign up for an 8 week class from Sheila Kelly (SFactor) called Woman Ignited.  I was extremely nervous and ever hopeful that perhaps this class and interacting with other women on a similar journey of growth and discovery would be powerful.  I've been on a self-growth journey for a couple years now (after my dad died in '18) and I've noticed that certain months out of the year I shut off my sensual and sexual self. I shut off the sides of me that I feel are my most feminine.  It's summer, it's busy at work, and ultimately I tell myself I don't have time to caiter to my womanly needs. I don't have time to be sexual. Work and life are busy and stressful from March until October, so why add on another layer of complexity? The reality is, when I allow that side of myself to shine, I end up being a HAPPIER person. If my entire goal right now is to live "Happyness Life" why the hell am I drowning out