Terms Of Former Endearment

Last weekend, David tried something he's never tried before. Normally, that would thrill me to death, but this time, the thing David decided to try was shoplifting.

He, Anna and I were out at a favorite store after seeing a movie. David headed straight for the candy section, as usual. He started picking out things here and there, and was about to reach for his favorite – Starbursts – when I stopped him. We still have a ton of leftover Halloween candy, and he'd already chosen 2 other small items. It was more than enough, I told him gently, and I put the Starbursts back on the shelf. We continued to mill about the store, and just as we were about to head to the checkout, I happened to notice David playing with something in his pocket. I asked him what he had in there, and he pulled out the Starbursts.

Not good.

Like most children with autism, David has a hard time with abstract concepts. He understands that "wrong" is when you hurt somebody or damage property, but when "wrong" involves ethics, he doesn't innately get it. That's why it's up to Peter and to me to repeat, repeat, repeat that we don't do that until he gets it by rote. This was one of those lessons. Anna knew better than to try to intervene as I put all of David's candy selections back (even though he was wailing over it). I may be an autism Mom, and I may have a lot of empathy for the way David does things at times, but autism does not give him a free pass to break the rules. It doesn't give him the right to act like a jerk to anyone, either. He may still choose to do so, but he gets consequences for those choices, just like we all do.

That night, when the kids called Peter to say goodnight, I got on the phone and told him about the incident, so that he could keep an eye out for any further behavior of that sort. I did a really, really stupid thing, though. I started the conversation with:

"Your son decided to shoplift today…."

I didn't mean it the way it came out. It was actually just an old game we used to play. Anytime the kids did something wrong, one of us would tell the other and always preface it with "Your son did this…" or "Your daughter did that…" in a very tongue-in-cheek way.

He didn't take it that way, of course. He got offended, and in hindsight, I should have chosen better words. He's really defensive these days about everything. I can't ask him if he has extra socks for the kids without him coming back with "Of course I have socks! I know they need socks!" Like I'm questioning his ability to parent when really, all I wondered was if he needed me to pack extra socks in their overnight bag.

Is your ex overly defensive at times? How do you deal with it?

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