Dollerina 9097 points9098 points 1 year ago

i'm terrible at opening up and communicating about my needs.

HerrscherOfTheEnd 3461 points3462 points 1 year ago

Now THIS was the comment I was looking for.

*borderline crying cuz I be workin in a super stressful job*

*gf/bf walks in* Baby whats wrong?

*Smiles, wipes tears* You know, it just be like that sometimes lol

*gets dumped* Hm, should've saw that coming.

Sypsy 735 points736 points 1 year ago

And it doesn't have to be all the negative emotion moments either:

*Thinking about my next career move*

*gf/bf walks in* "Hey, you look thoughtful. What are you thinking about?"

*trying to look cool and play off my thoughts for some reason* "Oh you know, life."

*gf/bf feels a bit awkward and excluded*

*me trying to save the situation by cracking a dumb joke because that's what made me popular in high school*

_ThisIsMyReality_ 351 points352 points 1 year ago

My girlfriend was crying the other day because there was a town dog in mexico that died, and they made a statue of him. He's changed colors because the statue has been pet do much. She was crying because she won't ever be able to pet the dog in real life.

I'm a very non emotional person and while I'm there for her it's hard not to laugh. I told her ill take her someday to see the statue, and she cried harder.

She's the sweetest tho.

(Sidenote, anyone have a link to that post that is a list of reasons the girlfriend was crying? The gay swans one)

Sypsy 11 points12 points 1 year ago

I can't help but feel this reply was misplaced.

Heruuna 1 point2 points 1 year ago

Haha, I'm not quite that bad, but animals can do that to me too. My SO sent me a video and said it was a cat rescued from a housefire who gets treated and adopted by the fireman who saved it. I didn't watch it right away and he's like, "Why aren't you watching it? It's a happy ending!" Because it's hard seeing an injured animal cry out in pain even if I know it all ends up okay! And maybe I'm not ready to cry right now!

dinocuac 0 points1 point 1 year ago

Aaaaaaw sweet

madamerimbaud 3 points4 points 1 year ago

Yes! My bf and I haven't talked very in depth about the future, it's just unspoken that we're eventually going to get married and have kids. I really want to be able to at the very least get an idea of a time line but thanks to my parents and ex, I can never muster up the courage to bring up the subject.

Sypsy 5 points6 points 1 year ago

"where do you see yourself in 5 years?"

or more specifically, "what do you hope a typical day will look like for you in 5 years?"

Have this discussion with your bf. Make it a bit of homework, each of you write a summary of your future day down and then switch. Then you can talk about it.

e.g "wake up married/not married, go to my job in x field, pick up kid(s) from school (or no kids), go do [a hobby] with my friends in the evening"

Each thing will be kinda a talking point "wait you want to work in that field in 5 years? How will you get that title?" "you don't want kids?" "How many kids?"

Jeorod 2 points3 points 1 year ago

I get like this, except sometimes I just don’t feel like talking or explaining, and when I’m asked to explain, I’ll get annoyed but do it anyway

[deleted] 0 points1 point 1 year ago

why are you so LOUD

DudleyDoody 934 points935 points 1 year ago

gf/bj walks in

Might also be referring to your girlfriend as a blowjob lol.

HerrscherOfTheEnd 196 points197 points 1 year ago

lol oops

Dr_Jackson -2 points-1 points 1 year ago

why'd you use "gf/bf" anyway? Are you not sure what he/she is?

QB69420 3 points4 points 1 year ago

bj = berry jam.

BenTCinco 0 points1 point 1 year ago

I ordered that bj 10 minutes ago!

mai_cake 57 points58 points 1 year ago

You know, it just be like that sometimes.

nukedcheesynuggets 1 point2 points 1 year ago

It really do.

CloudsTasteGeometric 15 points16 points 1 year ago

This is too real. For a number of reasons a lot of my needs were going unmet in my last relationship. She would check in pretty frequently on how I was doing. I was feeling just crushingly depressed and neglected - and it showed. But I got used to putting on a stepford smile and say:

"I'm fine. I'm just tired."

That was my line, and I'd say it again and again and again. It meant a lot that she cared enough to ask as often as she did. But its the kind of situation in which my being honest, my actually asking for those needs to be met, would have simply upset her.

Eventually my mask faded and I became a shambling, husk of a man, from the months and years of depression and neglect. And it started effecting her. She grew exhausted worrying about it and asking me again and again once she caught on. When I finally broke down about my mental state and my needs she was already burned out and out of patience - and was angry and triggered over what I was asking of her. It was over.

My heart aches knowing that she cared, aches that she wanted to help, to be there for me, but it also burns with resentment and anger, from knowing from experience that I couldn't be honest with her, either. No matter how many times she asked, actually opening up really wasn't an option.

I'm moving out next week. I'm enthusiastic about life again for the first time all year. But at this point I'm worried that I'll never be able to be a good partner to anyone else after spending years behaving in the way I did. Concealing my needs, smiling and nodding, and being burned every time I opened up...anyway, thanks for listening to my Ted Talk.

pidgeotto_big_balls 0 points1 point 1 year ago

Man this hurts me cus you and I seem like very similar people. I hope we can figure out how to open up. Otherwise the road ahead looks pretty lonely to me.

CloudsTasteGeometric 1 point2 points 1 year ago

Here's hoping for the best. For the both of us.

The thing is, I'm not terrible at opening up. I'm not great, but I'm no worse than average. The thing is, I made the mistake of dating someone who was asexual (while not also being asexual myself). I know, pretty massive mistake. Asking for any kind of physical affection - not just sex - was like pulling teeth and made her genuinely upset. Slowly it taught me to just...keep quiet, keep her happy, just push that quiet longing and sadness deep down inside, and assure her that you're just fine. Because, if she is triggered by physical affection: then I'm the bad guy for asking for it or wanting it in the first place.

Our relationship escalated very quickly - and she hid her asexuality quite well early on in our relationship. Before I knew it we owned a home together, engaged to be married, and I was fucking miserable. Not necessarily her fault - she's an incredible person, but I hadn't figured out that an asexual person and a non-asexual person being together romantically makes about as much sense as a straight man and a gay woman marrying.

In terms of help opening up - try therapy. It has been a massive help to me personally.

Hope things get better for you, brother.

suh-dood 5 points6 points 1 year ago

It be like that sometimes

[deleted] 1 point2 points 1 year ago

I could actually see this happening to me lol

I’d probably go on like nothing happened knowing me

TheHotelDetective 0 points1 point 1 year ago

having a bit of the opposite of this

me: opens up

partner: "mood"

normie_sama 0 points1 point 1 year ago

I don't get it. What's going on in this situation?

deathriteTM -2 points-1 points 1 year ago

If a guy can’t put the effort into finding out what is bugging you then he ain’t worth your time. You deserve better.

HerrscherOfTheEnd 2 points3 points 1 year ago

I am a guy :c

deathriteTM 0 points1 point 1 year ago

Lol. Then reverse the pronouns. Sorry dude. But the reverse is valid. If she can’t put in the effort dump her.

nryporter25 -2 points-1 points 1 year ago

I hate that when someone won't tell me what the problem is until they explode or lose their mind. If you don't trust me enough to let me in then just leave because it is isolating to the other person and just ends up making you stew on things that will degrade your mental state. Venting is good.

HerrscherOfTheEnd 1 point2 points 1 year ago

There are many reasons people decide to be so restrictive. Doesn't seem like you care to understand though. Which is fine. Everyone is entitled to their opinion

Fox-Smol 462 points463 points 1 year ago

Yes! I have ADHD so my brain don't work good. I spent 35 minutes today trying to understand what felt "off" before realising I was cold. 45 minutes of being cold later, I realised I could put on a jumper to sort that out. Sigh. Emotions are even worse.

findingmywings1991 193 points194 points 1 year ago

My hubby dearest has ADHD and I'm often left bewildered as to why he is behaving a certain way. Harder for him since he often doesnt know himself! Tough gig this!

white-gold-fangs 5 points6 points 1 year ago

The is for being there for him. It can be very hard dealing with people like us, and we know how hard it is.

loneSTAR_06 3 points4 points 1 year ago

Imagine being the same as your husband(me) while also having a wife the exact same way...

nikkitgirl 2 points3 points 1 year ago

I actually prefer it like that. There’s understanding and we can help each other figure stuff out

Twopoint0h 4 points5 points 1 year ago

My partner has ADHD and I never considered it could be a source of some of the miscommunication and conflict in our relationship. Where can I learn more about this to better understand?

PrOwOfessor_OwOak 1 point2 points 1 year ago

This. Every time I can't properly express myself, I always remember that it may lead to miscommunication so I always explicitly state "I can't form words right now, give me a second" or "I'm sorry, I'm having a hard time trying to say what I mean."

People are usually understanding. I do have ADHD but I also may be very dumb

findingmywings1991 1 point2 points 1 year ago

It absolutely is! 7 years almost and it's such a relief to know why we've been having these problems. Also, find a therapist, one who understands ADHD-mine actually has it and so does the rest of her family, so she appreciates the struggles. If not, you can read up about ADHD on a website called ADDitude, it's an amazing source of information. Good luck xxx

GRRRRaffe 2 points3 points 1 year ago

This doesn’t always help, but. When I’m in a catatonic, don’t know why I’m upset, cannot formulate a straight answer emotional crisis, I wish that people would do these things without my having to do additional emotional labor to ask for them:

  1. Bring me a glass of water
  2. Ask me if I want/need a hug or if they can hold me (framing this as something they want to do rather than something they perceive I need helps me accept)
  3. Help me stretch out into a not-fetal-position (there’s some body of research to suggest that taking up more space actually helps us feel better; when we’re upset, our impulse is to become small, which is counterproductive)

I’m also more likely to open up if we go on a walk around the neighborhood than if we just sit in the house, but even then, I do a lot of trying to figure out what I’m actually feeling, which sometimes means saying things I actually don’t believe and really don’t mean.

ADHD is a complex condition, and some things help sometimes and then fail hard the next. That doesn’t mean we stop trying to figure out what works the best the most.

findingmywings1991 1 point2 points 1 year ago

This is a wonderful suggestion. I'm going to try this the next time he feels this way 💜 thank you!

The saying things you dont believe and dont mean thing hits so close to home. Cant tell you how many times I've stared at my husband thinking, 'what did you just vomit out of your mouth right now?' If you try to make an effort it defo shows and gets appreciated:) x

IWillDoItTuesday 135 points136 points 1 year ago


HeaddeskWarrior 10 points11 points 1 year ago


antiquestrawberry 3 points4 points 1 year ago


mennohelper 2 points3 points 1 year ago


JonsmashJr 2 points3 points 1 year ago


PrOwOfessor_OwOak 2 points3 points 1 year ago

This was me yesterday before work.



IWillDoItTuesday 1 point2 points 1 year ago

You’re organized enough to pack a lunch?!

[deleted] 4 points5 points 1 year ago

Is this commonly associate with ADHD? I was never diagnosed but you just described my behavior quite accurately.

shmorsho 4 points5 points 1 year ago

I have it too, and I have some weird need pronounce ADHD as adhad in my head. Here’s my take on how it affects relationships:

Reading is hard for people with adhd.

Reading my own current mental/emotional state is harder than reading.

Processing other people, or groups of people is even more difficult and takes a really long time. Like it catches up with me after days or weeks after the encounter.

So relationships are just about the hardest thing for me in particular. Adderall helps you read books, and helps with self awareness a little bit, but it really doesn’t touch social stuff. That’s so hard to explain to people

loneSTAR_06 5 points6 points 1 year ago

Reading is hard when you’re not super interested in it, but if you find something you’re super in to, you might as well say goodbye to the day.

shmorsho 0 points1 point 1 year ago

Way to mangle my analogy, BRO

But at the same time I completely agree and have been completely absent from my friends and family for days at a time because of a good book

findingmywings1991 0 points1 point 1 year ago

Have you tried audiobooks? My husband always wanted to read Harry Potter but couldn't with his adhd and dyslexia. Since discovering audiobooks, hes listened to them all 3 times over! He loves them, give it a try:)

nu2readit 7 points8 points 1 year ago

Sounds like, in addition to ADHD, alexithymia, a trait (not itself a disease) characterized by a difficulty understanding or describing emotions and distinguishing them from bodily sensations. It includes a difficulty differentiating emotions from each other. About 10% of the population score high on tests measuring for it.

Myself, I suspect I am alexithymic because I have a hard time telling what is ever wrong with me. I might ask myself: Do I feel bad because I'm hungry, or nauseous? Am I actually full instead? I misinterpret the signals sent by my body and can't distinguish them. I have to trace things back in my memory to figure it out - did I eat today?

[deleted] 4 points5 points 1 year ago

I have never related to anything harder in my entire life. I also have ADHD and for me hunger is the big one. I never notice when I'm hungry (on or off meds). I just go 6 hours without eating. Then I notice that I feel exhausted and headachey and spacey and weird and cranky. I try drinking some water to no avail. I start yawning excessively and eventually decide I must be sleepy and need to nap. I lay down and close my eyes. Only after laying in complete silence for several minutes do I actually realize that I am, in fact, starving.

I used to lay in bed at night and not understand why my feet felt weird and why I couldn't sleep. Turns out it was cold and I needed socks.

Fox-Smol 0 points1 point 1 year ago

I think you might be me. Except the socks in bed thing, I am ALWAYS TOO HOT. I will often nap in the afternoon because I haven't eaten. I know this is common and yet it continues to happen. Sigh.

laniakea11 2 points3 points 1 year ago

I have been dealing with issues like this for most of my life, but I was a really good student and can hyper focus on tasks so I think I missed being diagnosed as a kid. My boyfriend has ADHD and he made me realize that it was not what I always had imagined (not so cookie cutter) and we are both sure that I have it. Luckily since he has it too he is so supportive and patient with my "quirks", my last boyfriend was not so understanding and would get very frustrated with me. I need to book an appointment with my doctor to discuss it..

LunaticTrumpet 2 points3 points 1 year ago

I have ADHD too.

radioarchipelago 2 points3 points 1 year ago

Oh fuck, my ADHD has tanked pretty much all of my relationships :(

Fox-Smol 0 points1 point 1 year ago

Oh my god, my ADHD has tanked so many relationships! There is hope I promise. But more importantly work on your relationship with yourself, I still struggle but what I have done is more transformative than even my marriage.

I think ADHD is like the worst for relationships. It makes women seem obsessive, over-emotional and clingy (all the "crazy girlfriend" tropes), and it makes men seem forgetful, lazy, and inconsiderate (all the "aren't men useless" tropes).

But it's not entirely accurate and the bits that are accurate are not our fault! And with supportive people around us we can let all of our awesomeness show, so I wish you all the luck and best wishes in finding more of those people, romantic or otherwise.

radioarchipelago 0 points1 point 1 year ago

To be fair I am pretty useless.

nikkitgirl 1 point2 points 1 year ago

I have it too and that’s why I prefer to date other neurodivergent people. I can date neurotypical people but only if they have experience with us or are willing to learn and be understanding

DontmesswithNoGood 1 point2 points 1 year ago

Omg! I do this all the time. I was diagnosed ADHD as a kid and I never thought anything of it.

mooseman2234 14 points15 points 1 year ago

Try Brene Browns audio book “The Power of Vulnerability”. It’s a recording of her speaking about vulnerability, empathy, and some other stuff. The chicks amazing and really engaging in the way she presents.

There’s a link to her TED talk here. on this page.

Changed my life and the way I see the world.

Also got some weird looks as I’m driving down the freeway a blubbering mess from the people in the car next to them - but you know what? Screw them. (Learnt that from the book)

blackfogg 1 point2 points 1 year ago

I'll have to look into that!

I know it's completely unrelated, but on the note of TED talks that can change lives:

RogueKnightZ 1 point2 points 1 year ago

Thank you, everyone reading this, for coming to their TED talk.

classica87 5 points6 points 1 year ago

Yes! My therapist tells me I’m very good at talking about nothing, because I will purposefully avoid topics in our sessions that I have trouble with. I didn’t even know I was doing it. I’m more introverted and I grew up with family that was sometimes abusive, on top of being bad at communicating. Paradoxically, I have difficulty expressing my emotions but I also need reassurance from a partner because I always feel like I’ve done something wrong or someone is mad at me.

[deleted] 2 points3 points 1 year ago


This just hit me so hard I feel personally attacked. I'm exactly the same.

Malifor2210 1 point2 points 1 year ago

It’s so hard for me to just ask people out or even just say I like them! I’m to subtle about it and they overlook it ah.

Radbabe13 3 points4 points 1 year ago

Same. I have this need of keeping my negative feelings buried inside me which causes a lot of issues

michaltee 3 points4 points 1 year ago

Omg same!! Even when i overtly realize “hey share your feelings” my pride or whatever else prevents me. It’s sick and I hate it.

nor3344 2 points3 points 1 year ago

So related, when I dated with my first boyfriend, I've never told him what I wanted, I supposed he would know if he really cared about me, but sometimes, boys will never know unless you tell them. This relationship taught me a lot, especially for the communication

Jen_Mari_Apa 2 points3 points 1 year ago

Then it builds up and you snap and it’s a bigger deal than it should’ve been.

blueberry_fayygo 2 points3 points 1 year ago

I don't tell my SO that something they have done has hurt me and I expect them to realise it on their own. It's toxic, I know.

[deleted] 1 point2 points 1 year ago

There are workarounds.

Proxytariq 1 point2 points 1 year ago

Ha I’m the exact opposite I’ll tell my life story on the first date

Elathrain 2 points3 points 1 year ago

I take it further, I will never fail to inform my partner of everything I've been considering. And I'm a negative thinker, so I'm often considering problems. And the constant low hum of my fear of death (I'm running out of time!) means I'm usually trying to work out the longest term future and whether we should get married or break up basically constantly.

findingmywings1991 0 points1 point 1 year ago

Woah, this is exactly my husband. Hes working against a literal life clock and needs to find solutions to every single problem. Hes very good at finding solutions but it's a source of anxiety for him too.

schecter_ 1 point2 points 1 year ago

Thanks for witting my comment for me.

E_Koli3 1 point2 points 1 year ago

Oh I'm opposite, I open up WAY too fast and scare ppl off

TheBoyBlues 1 point2 points 1 year ago

i’m terrible at digging for what people need, even when I know they want something, i’m afraid to broach what I think are sensitive topics to them.

[deleted] 1 point2 points 1 year ago

I'm more afraid of the fact then when I open up I won't get validated, or So won't take it with the same seriousness as I do, and I would feel betrayed at the end at the day, not worth it.

Gutter_Twin 1 point2 points 1 year ago

I have a bad habit of dealing with challenges/issues on my own and only opening up about it after I’ve sorted it out myself. It’s not even a trust issue, it just makes me more anxious to talk about something before I can fix it.

mrbrightside14 1 point2 points 1 year ago

I thought I was the only one and then I look on here and see there’s over 8,000 others like me...thank god.

laneferrell 0 points1 point 1 year ago

Are you my ex gf

Dollerina 0 points1 point 1 year ago

I don't think so 😂

josefkev 0 points1 point 1 year ago

I'm always communicating about my needs.

y4mat3 0 points1 point 1 year ago


Dollerina 0 points1 point 1 year ago

it do be like that

y4mat3 2 points3 points 1 year ago

It's kinda sad when my friends are like "you know you can talk to me about anything, right?" and I'm just like "mhm yup sounds good thank you" and then I just don't???

MattyB654 0 points1 point 1 year ago


UrBoiKrisp 0 points1 point 1 year ago

Same, I think you need someone who knows you well and knows when you want something even if you don’t say you do.

Dollerina 1 point2 points 1 year ago

i've been trying to open up more lately about the small things, so far it's been going good. it's funny, i always advocate communication in a relationship when i'm pretty fucking bad at it haha

NathanCollier14 0 points1 point 1 year ago


gigglybutt22 0 points1 point 1 year ago

at least you recognize it :) it can def be worked

snoopythefuqdog 0 points1 point 1 year ago

Hi, it's me

theoneeyedpete 0 points1 point 1 year ago

Okay, and totally for research purposes, what’s a good way for your partner to deal with that?

Dollerina 0 points1 point 1 year ago

based on experience, they'd know i kind of want space when i get quiet. sometimes i'd ask to just sit with them while i stew and they just do their thing.

it differs with every person. having space helps me to think and reorganize my thoughts. lately i've been trying to talk and explain why i want some space, and it's actually been going.. good, surprisingly? lol

Aruraa 0 points1 point 1 year ago

Same here, and I think I'm getting worse. I have trouble opening up to my closest friends.

Wrathwilde 0 points1 point 1 year ago

I know, how do you tactfully communicate you need a blowjob asap.

yourmothermypocket 0 points1 point 1 year ago

Yep this is me. You win.

ag408 0 points1 point 1 year ago


[deleted] 0 points1 point 1 year ago


Dollerina 0 points1 point 1 year ago

seeing as to how i don't have a dick


Dalek15 0 points1 point 1 year ago


madamerimbaud 0 points1 point 1 year ago

Same! I was shut down a lot when trying to communicate my feelings when I was a kid and in my last relationship, my ex basically invalidated my feelings completely. My current bf is amazing, though, so it's easier.

Dollerina 0 points1 point 1 year ago

are you me 😂 lol congratulations on having a wonderful bf though! and you're right, it's definitely easier when the other person treats you right

_bibibaby_ 0 points1 point 1 year ago

Same. Why is it so hard?