Agony Aunt: “How do I know if I’ve fallen in love?!”

A love heart in cartoon red
A hollow muscular organ for blood pumpage. Also indicates romance and swooning noises.

Love, eh? Today’s human male is trying to work out if he’s in it. Or not. Something like that. Thankfully, we’re dating experts! So, we’ve provided the definitive guide.

Working Out If You’re in Love

Dear agony aunt. There's this girl I met at work two weeks ago. She's well fit and I told her a knock, knock joke yesterday and she laughed at it. Reckon I'm in there. How do I know if I've fallen in love with her? I saw an engagement ring yesterday at £2,000 and figured I'd spend my savings on it and then we live happily ever after. What do you reckon? Cheers, Harry

Hello, Harry. There are many ways to tell if you’ve fallen in love with someone. We’ve drawn up a big list for you below.

This is called the Professional Moron List of Love. If you tick off over 15 of the below, then you’re probably in love with someone. 14 or less then it’s probably just lust and/or drunken stupidity:

  1. You can look at them without wanting to throw up.
  2. Their foul stench doesn’t bother you.
  3. You’ve never had to report them to the police.
  4. They’re not responsible for a world war.
  5. They’ve never detonated an atom bomb for a laugh.
  6. You laugh at their jokes—even the bad ones.
  7. Being in their presence doesn’t fill you with a deep sense of anger and dread.
  8. You’ve met their parents and, afterward, they didn’t want to kill you.
  9. You think about them slightly more than the people you hate.
  10. You can stomach the idea of still having to hang around with them 90 years from now.
  11. The wallpaper on your smartphone is of the individual.
  12. You’ve decided you want five kids with them and have chosen the names:
    1. Gerald
    2. Doreen
    3. Engelbert
    4. Uxorious
    5. Wigbert
  13. You’re lavishing gifts on them, even though it’s getting a bit ridiculous and he/she wasn’t happy when you got him/her a puppy. So you got him/her a kitten as well.
  14. They spout crazed dribble and bigoted invective, but you just nod, smile, and agree with everything he/she says.
  15. When out and about, you keep throwing your coat over puddles in an act of chivalry.
  16. You open the door for the individual and curtsy as they walk by.
  17. You demand to pay the entire bill in restaurants, even though you can’t afford to.
  18. They laughed once and snot plopped out of their nostril, but you found it more endearing than revolting.
  19. You boast about them to your friends as “cool”, rather than bigging up their looks as an ego exercise.
  20. When you invited them back to your flat, they didn’t mind you’d clogged the toilet earlier that day.
  21. When you invited them back to your flat, they didn’t mind your joke about hiding the dead bodies.
  22. You’ve started adding “babe” at the end of text messages you send to them.
  23. You’ve realised sending dick pics is a stupid thing to do if you want to impress this person, so have vowed to stop that bizarre habit.
  24. You’ve deleted your Tinder account and have updated your Facebook status to “Engaged”, before anyone has agreed to anything.
  25. You keep having inexplicable, irrational giggling fits.

Okay, so that’s a certified list. We ran it by each other in the agony aunt office and all agreed it can’t be improved upon in any way, shape, or form.

So, refer to that list. See what your score is. If it’s a decent score then, yeah, you go ahead and blow £2,000 on an engagement ring for some woman you just met. That’s not at all dumb.


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