How To Break It To Your Partner That You are a Reptilian Crossbreed Shapeshifter

You think you know everything about me, mr. smarty pants
  1. Minimize. “I may be the spawn of an entire race of xenocide obsessed amphibians who have taken the form of xenocide obsessed old white politicians, but at least I don’t leave the jar of pickle juice in the fridge after eating all of the pickles.” Let’m have it. You may not be great at hiding the fact that there is a fifteen foot GEICO spokesperson from outter space under your cardigan, but you sure know how to get the last say!
  2. Drop Bible References. “Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.” This is like saying “I’m an erect alligator and you did alot of weird stuff too.” Nobody is perfect…except that you are actually part of a supreme race that is essentially perfect.
  3. Justification. Let them know that just because you are part of a supreme race intent on cleansing the earth of human waste doesn’t mean that you go around throwing it in other peoples faces. Explain that you expect they should follow suit. At this time you may want to cleverly mention that by “suit” you are talking metaphorically, but also literally (cue reveal).
  4. Remind them of all of the Famous Crossbreed Shapeshifters and their accomplishments. Justin Bieber made the “Purpose” album. Steve-O did the anesthesia olympics. George W. Bush has a highway named after him. It’s not all red eyes and power bender’s, there’s actually a lot of good that comes out of being an iguana of the highest order.
  5. Let them in on the perks. Since you can shapeshift, they can be with a new lover every night. As long as they don’t think about the fact there is a perverted Salamander (possibly impregnating them with the new dark lord) behind those eyes, it should be all good.

Drinking Johnny Bootlegger on a Champagne budget. Editor @ and

Get the Medium app
