There seem to be a lot of people worried that liberals may turn them into actual nazis simply by calling them a ‘nazi’ on the internet.

Now, at first glance, this may seem a little bit daft. My own first thought was, ‘If calling you a nazi makes you into a nazi, you were probably a nazi already.”

However, there are plenty of precedents for people being forced into beliefs they didn’t initially hold by external influences. I think we can safely discount hypnotism and gaslighting, since both require prolonged personal influence, and we’re talking about a few tweets from random lefties. But we could make a loose comparison with the effect of the media on issues like female body image, immigration, cancer scares, etc.

The tabloid media (and the evil that is women’s magazines) are able to convince many women that their body shapes are undesireable or their appearance is in some way unacceptable to society, and more ridiculously, that a size 12 is just not skinny enough. The Murdoch press in particular excel at convincing some people that when immigrants arrive in this country they are simultaneously given well paid jobs AND every benefit available, plus new homes and cars, and spend their free time imposing Sharia Law on every town and city they live in. These papers are also in touch with Princess Diana’s ghost – who is backing Brexit, and regularly have a new ’cause’ of cancer for us all to worry ourselves sick about.

Usefully, I am entirely unconvinced by any of this, even tho size 12 is a very distant memory and my hair is a right-wing-baiting shade of blue, plus I also live in a very multicultural area where most of the jobs are indeed taken by immigrants, or members of families who must have had an immigrant somewhere in their past. Mind you, so must mine…

The fact that all this tabloid bollocks doesn’t affect me is because it only works if there is an element of doubt for it to latch on to. Without that, it’s really simple to just dismiss out of hand. With it, it has something to build on; a teat to feed on and thrive. The only way to then defeat this sort of insidious reprogramming is with facts and data, to prove to yourself what the truth actually is, and restore your view of reality.

So, if you’re worried about people turning you into a nazi by calling you a nazi, you must have doubts that you might already be a nazi.

But, never fear! I have a handy way we can check this for you with facts.

You see, nazism is interestingly black and white, like their logo. You can’t be ‘a little bit nazi’ or ‘a weekend nazi’, which is why it’s ok those idiots are losing their jobs and college places and families.

So, if you do have the slightest doubt, the tiniest inkling that you might be a nazi, then there’s only one answer to this question.

You’re a nazi.

And, as internet history guy Mike Stuchbery might say, in conclusion, get fucked.