On Being Lolita: “She Left Lolita”

On Being Lolita: “She Left Lolita”

Sometimes I get asked “Oh, how long have you been in the fashion?” and it takes me a minute or two to sort through things and remember when I began participating. (This is generally something I have a bit of a rough time with… length of time between dates… 😅 My poor siblings and husband are pretty used to this from me.) It’s interesting to look back on the years and see how much has changed; things were very different for the fashion in the mid-2000s. I try not to get too hung up on the “way things used to be”, but sometimes it’s hard to fully embrace the future when you have to let go of the past.

Especially when it means saying goodbye to others.

As someone who still wears this fashion (in fact, early 2010s me would be ⚡shocked⚡ that I now have enough frilly clothing and a lifestyle that would allow me to be a “daily lolita” if I were slightly less lazy), one of the things I regularly reminisce about are the people I’ve known. For me, the community has always been a significant part of the fashion—even though I am, admittedly, not always the most involved community member. The clothing itself defines my interest, but the friends I’ve made are more valuable to me than even my dear usakumya rucksack. 💖

I sometimes wonder whether I was lucky—if I a variety of factors I cannot control primarily contributed to the friendships that I’ve made, some of which have lasted over a decade. I consider if this scenario is typical, or perhaps an anomaly… and I believe that it’s both inevitable and beneficial, but not guaranteed. After all, despite the friends I still regularly interact with, there are others that I’m no longer in contact with due to changes in their lives or mine.

When someone chooses to “leave lolita” (no longer wearing the clothes or participating in fashion communities), it is not uncommon for friendships with other lolita to end as well, unless a few other factors were involved. It’s inevitable that people change and unrealistic to expect that shared hobbies and interests will remain static. This impacts any relationship: I have to acknowledge what exactly the other person and I enjoyed about each other’s company and whether our interactions were deliberate or convenient.

Sometimes you hear people speak of “lolita friends”; when this means “people I enjoy the company of, who share an interest in lolita fashion, and who I see primarily at fashion-related meetups” it is highly likely that if either party “leaves lolita”, the friendship will end. Often these relationships are built on convenient interactions—commenting back and forth in a group, chit-chatting during a tea party, attending or presenting a panel at a convention, etc. If the other person no longer participates in the lolita fashion interest and is not present for these types of interactions, the relationship slowly fades. If the bulk of conversation centered around fashion-related news, preferences, stories, etc. that well will run dry and silence settles in its place.

That said, if a friendship initiated by a shared hobby (such as fashion) has become something with a variety of enjoyable focuses (personality characteristics, shared interests, differing point of view, etc.) and interactions are deliberately initiated (inviting someone over, making plans to see a movie or attend an event, etc.), even if one hobby is no longer shared, there’s still enough substance to maintain the friendship. When I find that there’s someone I enjoyed conversation with at a tea party or picnic, it helps to reach out to spend time together and see what else we might have in common. (Honestly, this is just what I try to do, in general! Sometimes it’s so strange being an “adult” without school and other hobbies to make getting to know new people happen without much planning. It takes effort and sometimes it doesn’t work out, but it gets easier the more I try. 💗)

It’s not always possible (or advisable) to maintain a relationship with someone else—people’s lives and priorities change, on all sides. When I think on former friends that I don’t see anymore, I at least try to appreciate the positive memories. I’ve found more value in building new supportive connections than insisting on regaining something that existed in the past.

(Note: I started writing this in 2016… but it’s been something on my mind for a while, given all that’s changed in within the fashion itself and communities for it. Seems like no matter where you look, there’s always change… some of it’s good, some of it’s bad, but it’s going to keep on happening.)

On Being Lolita: Thoughts on Frilly Friendship

On Being Lolita: Thoughts on Frilly Friendship

The thing that makes lolita fashion dearest to me are all of the amazing friends I have met because of it. Dressing in lolita really helped me learn more about myself and become a stronger person; participating in the community helped me realize my value as a person and form trusting relationships with other people. Prior to my involvement with the style, I had very few friends. My school years weren’t spent as an outcast, but I didn’t have many people I could truly call friends. It wasn’t until I started interacting with the other lolita that I realized how insincere my former “friends” were.

I am always glad that I worked up the courage to go to lolita fashion meetups. If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t know the fantastic people who I constantly spend time with regardless of what we’re wearing. They aren’t my “lolita friends.” They are my friends. ♥

Some girls go to lolita meetups with a mentality that they will find “lolita friends.” While it is important to share hobbies with others, I think that limiting yourself to having a specific category of friend is self-defeating. It is hard to form a lasting, trusting relationship with only one facet of a person. A person is not one-dimensional, and no-one should have to act ashamed of their hobbies or interests. Don’t be afraid to be yourself!

Obviously, some people may not share your interests. That’s alright. None of my friends are completely obsessed with everything I am, nor am I with their activities. What matters is properly expressing your personality, so that others who really want to be around you will realize it! When someone is holding back or trying to act in a way that is unnatural to herself, it always shows in one way or another. Being honest is the only real way to maintain a strong relationship. It’s hard to be friends with someone if they’re just putting on a show–how do you know you would still enjoy the company of the person underneath?

That’s not to say that it’s not right to have friends you only see at meetups. There are some people that I enjoy the company of, but life just works out so that we only interact when wearing lolita fashion. They are still wonderful people, and I still get excited to spend time with them. Sometimes it even seems a bit special if there is someone you see rarely, because there’s more to catch up on. What isn’t useful is setting yourself up to prevent forming deeper relationships with others by pidgeon-holing them into a certain mold–“lolita friend”–before even getting to know that other person!