Forums, Message Boards Forums Relationship Forums Jealousy Forums Jealous Friend Compares herself and Lifestyle to Mine Reply To: Jealous Friend Compares herself and Lifestyle to Mine

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Most of the time, she wants to convey the meaning that she works harder than I do, and she works hard to earn/get what she has now, while I’m just a lucky person who gets everything without doing anything.

Here’s your answer to this one: Good!

Why do you need to convince her that you work ‘just as hard?’

Why do you find insulting her implication that you’re not?

You must also work on your emotional reaction to her provocations! She knows it bothers you, so she gets you every time.

There’s nothing wrong with working “less hard!” You may be working smart, much less, or not at all. Either way, it is not her business; and to the extent that she makes it so, she has the option of stepping away from a ‘lazy’ person whom she doesn’t respect. It’s called freedom of association.

Having the privilege to toil less in life is a fantastic thing. Yes, it will cause a lot of jealousy, but it’s not a vice, as long as you don’t leech off others. And you don’t.

She is resentful about your situation, so she turns herself into some virtuous element (I work hard!) and projects vice on you (you’re not as hardworking as I am, just lucky).

Guess what: it’s good to be lucky. And you don’t owe her a single explanation about your luck. You have bought into her “hard work = virtue” mantra, and you let her bully you with it.

You should say: “You’re right. I do consider myself very lucky.” And leave it at that.

Unfortunately, that will probably agitate her even more because the ax she has to grind with you is your comparatively advantageous position. She needs to get the message that you don’t owe her equality of situation.

She also said that she has no filter, and it’s a good trait because it means she’s straightforward and honest, and I should appreciate it

No, you shouldn’t. As a rule of thumb, be wary of people who have no filters and feel the need to ‘put it all out there’ in the name of straightforwardness, honesty, and transparency. You will hear many displays of virtue and self-righteousness with this angle.
Despite their pretenses, these are usually not good people.

They are the selfish, obtuse types who are in perfect touch with their egos (hence the need to be ‘honest’), but somehow it doesn’t register with their brains that all human beings, not just them, have an ego; and that pouring out everything they think and feel (their truth and honesty) can hurt other people with whom they have relationships.

Nobody cares about your deepest, most ultimate truth. What they care about is you not making them feel bad with what comes out of your mouth or through your displayed behavior. Yes, people have thoughts and judgments about other people (that’s inevitable) – but that doesn’t mean we need to go out there and rub our truths and judgments in their noses.

This was when I decided to distance myself from her.

And distant, you should have stayed. Be polite about her pregnancy news but put out the cold vibe. The message that you are no longer interested in this friendship should sink in. In all honesty, she sounds awful. She is one of those. It’s a certain mindset that drives these people. Some escape it eventually by growing up – but many don’t. When they don’t, they turn to ghouls.

Best of wishes!

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