Thursday, December 20, 2018

Chest Pains At Fifty

Yesterday, was the first day of Christmas vacation for my youngest.  I set my alarm for the late, late time of 7:00 am and it was luscious.  Eldest daughter is still taking exams, but she is autonomous.  I just have to run after her to give a one-sided hug that she resists before she drives off.

Night before last, I had my nails painted.  I went jezebel and had my always clear nails painted RED!  And not just any red but The Breakfast at Tiffanys inspired, "Got the Mean Reds."  I just keep staring at them delightfully.   I know they will start chipping soon, so I am soaking in their perfection as long as I can.

Sometimes, you just need to treat yourself.

Sometimes, I just need to take care of myself.

After the nail salon visit, I discovered it was the 20th anniversary of You've Got Mail. One of my absolute favorite movies of all time.  It doesn't matter how many times I've seen it, I will watch it again.

I discovered this on their Facebook page that I liked and followed some time ago. So I decided immediately to share my love of the movie on this public site.

There's been a big response with 917 other You've Got Mail lovers liking my photo.  I'm enjoying the comments as well.  Other fans, made the same trek and have dogs named Brinkley too.  They love the daisies and smart dialogue as much as I do. I turned the movie on yesterday morning and began noticing things I hadn't the other umpteen times I have watched this Nora Ephron masterpiece. 

This is a tiny bit of connecting with others who love a piece of art as much as I do.  Those little connections are just plain fun.  But in the back of my mind,  I think of everything else that I need to be doing.  The house needs attention, the dogs need walking, there are gifts to be wrapped, errands to be run, etc.  

But sometimes you just have to stop and smell the daisies, because it's fun.

I have spent years judging myself that I'm not doing enough, I'm not working hard enough. I'm a stay at home mom and therefore I should be doing more, and not taking a break (for a movie during a weekday morning, are you kidding?) Work harder. Do More.  Compare yourself to others. 

God Bless. SMH

It's time to let that go. 

We each have our own unique situations and I don't need to compare anymore.

I've done a lot of healing work to let go of feelings of unworthiness, because that's what those nagging feelings are about.  The notion of shame (a la Brene Brown) has been brought up to me again recently. Per Brene: "I define shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging - something we have experienced, done or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection. 

Whoa.   There are people in my life who I have been unable to connect with that I think I should and I take that mantle on and carry that shame, that there is something wrong with me. 

People are who they are, and you cannot change them, no matter how much you desperately want to have a connection.  

It's time to let that go

I turned fifty this year while I was having fairly intense back pain (sacroiliac joint out of whack, thank you)  On top of that, I had a failed EKG in November.  Thankfully I passed a three and a half hour cardiac stress test on Black Friday.  This was done because I was having chest pains and sensations in my arms and my blood pressure now rises when I'm in the doctor's office.  So it seems that this is anxiety.  Probably related to peri-menopause, teaching the eldest to drive for the last 8 months, and maybe politics?!!  LOL I'm just a little passionate about politics...

My body is telling me to chill the F out.  (Sorry, not sorry) 

We push things down and go on because we need to, have to, and it's really painful to stop and feel the energy that comes through when we stop. The feelings (energy) that come through though will not kill us. For  the most part, we have already gone through them.  Our psyche is trying to teach us though.   It comes through until we pay attention to it.  It is likely, if we don't stop and allow the energy to move through, it will kill us. 

I listened to an authority on the body say, the body will have the last word. 

Having chest pains is really scary.  It is still scary even after you have a clear cardiac stress test. 

My pain has slowed down considerably, yet it happened again yesterday while I was in a movie. Mary freakin' Poppins Returns. Yet the movie made me cry about a longing for connection.  I am just beginning to put the pieces of the puzzle together of when they come on.  It seems to be related to thoughts.  I've been working on my thoughts and feelings with an unwavering focus for ten years.  Ten freaking years.  And I am a little angry that my body is betraying me. 

Work harder, do contemplation, mindfulness, spirituality better!!

I may need to take an anti-depressant even though I'm trying all kinds of supplements not to do that. It may just be MY body chemistry at this time in my life needs extra serotonin.  This is a huge hurdle for me to accept.  I just don't want to take it.  

But I might just need to take care of myself.  Whatever and however that looks.  

There is a deep acceptance of that coming for me. Thank you anxiety.  

It's not comfortable to have chest pains.  The body will win in the end. 

My body is clearly trying to get my attention and to accept what is.  I must treat myself kindly however that looks.  I am the only person who can do that.