Monday, December 14, 2015

Stop Asking Me Why I'm Still Single

My father's side of the family is from the Caribbean and there are a lot of traditions, rules and strict codes of conduct we follow. Well, when I was a baby someone in my family forgot to invite an old family friend to my baptism. A serious no-no. This old family friend, who felt disrespected & snubbed, consequently decided to put a curse on me.* As a result, since the moment I turned 16 I've had a ghost following me around keeping guys from being interested in me.

At least that's what I tell people when they ask me why I'm single.

Honestly I don't even know what's an acceptable answer to that question. First of all it's rude as hell to ask someone why they're not dating, married or a swinger. It's basically asking somone to explain in detail what's wrong with them. Personally I think you should only ask someone why they are single if:

1. You are interested in them and plan on asking them out on a date

2. You know someone else that is interested in them and you're going to try and set them up on a date

Secondly Be a problem solver, not an instigator

If I always see you order a cheeseburger when we go out to eat, I'm not going to ask why you never order a steak. Maybe eating cheeseburgers remind you of a better time when things were fun and simple. Maybe you like the way the bun holds it down, keeping everything secure. Obviously you are not ready to move on to other cuts of meat just yet. You have your reasons, and we don't have to talk about them until you're ready.

Being the supportive friend that I am, I'm not going to ask you to leave your comfort zone. Just know that when you're ready to finally leave McDonald's and sample a real hunk of meat, you've got options. Next Friday night it'll be me and you in our go get em outfits with reservations at McCormick & Schmick's. I'm here for you girl. Appetizers on me.

Unless we're close friends I'm going to stay out of your love life. And let's be real, if we're close friends then I already know why you're single. You cray. I may ask you why you THINK you're single just to see how deluded you are but we both already know the answer, whether or not we're ready to say it out loud.

Perhaps I'm single because everyone I like:

Won't text back
Is too famous
Is too young
Isn't heterosexual

But truthfully I'm probably single because I travel a lot for work (no time to meet anyone), guys are idiots and I have trust issues.

It's not because I think I'm ugly, unlovable or because I have low self-esteem. On the contrary, I think I'm cute, funny, body proportional and I don't smell like cats. That's wifey material right there.

Recently I had a guy friend call me up out of the blue and confess that he's liked me for the last 5 years. He then asked me out on a proper date to grab drinks and go to Halloween party together, dressed as the cartoon characters Doug Funnie & Patti Mayonnaise. Well the day of the date comes around and I hear nothing back from this guy. He was a no-call no-show. I still went to the party and had a good time but was bummed nonetheless. About a week later I finally hear back from him through a GROUP TEXT asking if anyone of his 30 or so friends would like to go to a concert Friday night.

Halloween  Party bus 
Had an awesome time

If ghosting♧ me wasn't enough you included me in a group text? Talk about rubbing salt in an open wound. Hey dude, since we're trying our best to emotionally cripple people, the spare key to my apartment is under my doormat. While I'm at work why don't you come over and boil my pet bunny on the stove for good measure°.

Because of unfortunate experiences like the one above (and trust me I have more stories like this one) I'm pretty wary of guys who claim to be interested in me.

Even if you grabbed the nearest Poké ball, pointed at me and exclaimed, "I choose you," I'm probably still going to ask you if you need to see my State I.D. to make sure you've got the right person.

At this point I'd rather catch flights than catch feelings but despite all the crazy experiences I've had, I'm still an optimist. If years of watching Sailor Moon as a kid taught me anything, it's that love conquers all and bladdy blah blah. I've still got hope that my Tuxedo Mask is out there looking for me. And if not, then I've got a pact (ie. arranged marraige?) with a friend to marry each other if we haven't found anyone by the age of 35.

*This may be the plot to Sleeping Beauty
♧Disappearing or ignoring someone without explanation 
°I really do have a pet bunny