Wednesday, March 19, 2014

This Season of Dancing With The Stars Might Be Dope as Fuck

Double flutter foot!

Normally I would start off this post by saying something like, "Y'all gotta watch this show. It's not horrible." or "Seriously. It doesn't suck." or "I am telling you, Russian women are not afraid to give birth on live TV," but if you're here, and you're reading this, then you already know how bonkers DWTS is. There's no reason to try and convince the non-DWTS watchers to tune in. The show is fun, we're all on board and Carrie Anne Inabla is as emotionally stable as a bowl of soup. So let's just sit back and enjoy the ride -- all 7 of us -- and break down last Monday night's premiere.

To help me out, I've asked Good Morning America's George Stephanopoulos -- an ABC insider and a man with the kindest, softest eyes -- to share with us his Top 4 DWTS newsworthy headlines following Week 1.

"Thanks, Evan. Let me just start off by saying--"

Whatever, Stephanoplloussous!!!

Get your own blog!!!

I'll take it from here!!!

1. Nene Leakes is Black

Finally, finally, FINALLY, they got a real, legit black chick to appear on this show. Now I know, I know, last year they had that big black lady from Glee, but she was on Glee, so how black could she really have been? Nene is a real, bonafide black person. And I'm super excited to see her do all the things that black people do... on live television. First and foremost, dance. Second, have a butt. Also, other stuff. Like walk around with an attitude and say funny things like, "You can run and tell THAT, Bruno!" Aw man, black people! Amiright?!

2. Winnie Cooper's on da Show!!! I Don't Know Why That's Interesting, But It's Sorta the Most Interesting Thing Ever.

Yes, it's true. Winnie Coops is BACK. Ever since The Wonder Years ended like 20 years ago, Winnie's been spending her time studying maths and writing maths books. I don't even know what that means. How can people still study maths? Hasn't pretty much everything in math already been figured out? It's like, how many more problems can you do? We get it, you're good at adding and then multiplying and then adding again. Get over yourself. The only modern day math genius is Joseph A Bank who has somehow figured out how to turn a profit by giving away suits. Nice job, Joey Banks. No idea how you're running a successful business.

I was never the biggest Winnie fan to begin with. I mean, I get it, I get it, she's cute, and she was a perfect fit for Kevin Arnold, but 12-year-old Evster was much more into Elle MacPherson and Janet Jax and any other woman who could successfully give birth.

The most amazing thing we learned on Monday's episode was that Ben Seaver (from Growing Pains) dumped Candace Cameron back in the day so he could go out with Winnie Coops. True story!

Here's Ben Seavs today with his current wife:

I know!

So proud of him.

And here's the most unbelievable thing you'll see all day:

What a belt!

I tried for about 10 minutes to zoom in on that goddamn ribbon that Erkel is wearing, but I could not for the life of me figure out what it said. If anyone out there, like some stupid maths major, knows how to zoom in on a computer to read it, please do. My guess is that it says, "First Place: Virgin Casserole."

(omg why am I making fun of Erkel for being a virgj? He's like 10 in this picture. I hope to God that he was still a virgj at that point. Then again, he was living in Hollywood, so he probably shoulda been doing SOMETHIN. Ben Seavs was clearly taking chicks to the boneyard. I'm seriously so proud of him.)

3. There's a Goddamn Lady on this Show Who Has No Legs

I mean, this is a dancing show for crying out loud. And I know it's nice to pretend that disabled people can do anything they put their minds to, but this is a goddamn dancing show. That being said, I find it fascinating that this woman can do anything. I went to a music show last night and had to stand for 90 minutes (withOUT anything to lean against!) and I have never felt more lower back and foot pain in my entire LYFE. Still, very proud of this lady, but she needs to be sent home immediately. Let's not mock the sanctity of this show, people. C'mon.

4. Erin Andrews (You Know What I'm Talkin' Bouts!)


And check out Captain Cranium over Erin's right shoulder.


He might have Alopecia.

Also, did anyone see Billy Dee Williams almost fall asleep at the end of the ep?!


So I haven't decided yet, but I think I'm gonna blog about this show every week. Then again, I might be absolutely sick of it all by next Tuesday, so let's just take it day by day, okay? Still, Game of Frones and Mad Men must be coming back soon -- and I guess as a famous television blogger expert I should know these things, but honestly who cares. Whatever, here's a link to a Marc Maron interview from this week with Lena Dunham where she talks a lot about barfing. And here's a recent #bunreport. Shout out @HeyMegan for filing it.


  1. Yay pls keep recapping I love this show!
    Best performance of the night, Erin Andrews for being the first living human to cohost this show. C-ya BrookeBot! I know, boobs, but seriously, even the robot cohosts had boobs. This show is basically all boobs all the time, I don't see why Erin's are so noteworthy?
    Also, this is how you zoom in on an image:

    1. it was unbelievable how boring brooke burke was. like, embarrassing. erin ands is A PROFESSIONAL. and it's not that her yammers are THAT amazing, they just kinda came outta nowhere on mondee night. also, thank you for reading my blog and i look forward to discussing this show with you and only you for the next 12 weeks

    2. I just caught up by spending 4 hours of my Sundeeeee watching DWTS. I'm in.


      HOP ON BOARD ... come on ride that train, choo choo ride it CHOO CHOO, come on ride that train, choo choo ride it CHOO CHOOOOOOOOOO

  2. Winnie Nice-pooper or GTFO!

  3. There you go, TWO readers of this recap! Until Winnie is voted off.

  4. F Winnie Coops. Gimme that French chick that Kevin boned for a season