19 things no one tells you about being a parent

By Melinda Ayre|

Not even your own parents

1. You'll rate standing on a piece of Lego in bare feet as one of the most surprisingly painful experiences of your life, after childbirth. 

2. When the weather's fine, rather than pondering a dash to Bondi Beach, you'll gush about what a great drying day it is and consider washing all the kids' sheets.

3. Your children will never ever need to go to the toilet when you ask them if they need to. But it's guaranteed they'll need to pee immediately when you're lined up at the checkout with a full trolley of groceries or at a cafe just as your meals arrive, where the toilet key is attached to a giant wooden spoon. 

4. You will most likely never drink a hot coffee. Ever. Again. 

5. You will consider heading back to the workforce just so you can go to the toilet with a locked door and pee alone in peace.

6. Having sex with your partner will evolve into something akin to a space-shuttle launch, with meticulous planning, uncertainty of outcome and a speedy rocket launch.

7. You will white lie more than ever before in your life. Child: 'What's a drunk and why did you say Auntie Lisa was one?' You: 'Oh, it's someone who likes orange juice. A lot.'

8. You'll perform deft skills you just didn't know you had in you and wonder how this magical expertise downloaded into your brain, such as crafting long-lasting shampoo Mohawks, turning toilet roll holders into Trolls and removing frozen peas from tiny ears.

9. Your conversational skills will descend into topsy-turvy land. You'll ask friends whether they need to go potty, forget your husband's name along with most of your vocabulary, and your best friend will ask you daily whether you are listening to anything she's saying at all?

10. Your days of carrying a clutch bag are over. You switch to a giant tote bursting with yogurt pouches, face wipes and spare undies. And that's just for you.

11. You do silly things you'd never dream of doing in front of anyone other than your kids, like letting them paint your face with makeup, having pretend morning tea with five teddy bears or perhaps quacking like a duck. In your underwear.

12. You perfect an expressionless go-to face when your child says things loudly in public like: 'Why does that man have a baby in his tummy?' or 'Hello Mrs Tatler, my mummy says you're a bitch.'

13. Parenting is a dirty business. You'll never deal with so many bodily fluids in your life. 

14. As soon as you crouch down to pick up anything off the floor, a small child will jump on your back and knock you over.

15. You'll master the art of vanishing like a stealthy ninja. You'll hide in pantries to eat sweets, in bathrooms to drink wine and climb trees to talk on the phone.

16. For twenty-odd years you'll automatically turn around when someone screams out 'Mum!' or 'Dad!' at the shops.

17. You get really excited and do your happy dance over really dumb things, like finding two matching socks, getting the children to sleep before Married At First Sight or when your child vomits on the tiles not the carpet.

18. You'll starting drinking wine out of opaque tumblers instead of stemmed wine glasses, so your kids don't notice you're drinking wine and tell the teacher that Mummy's favourite shop is Dan Murphy's.

19. You'll never stop worrying about those gorgeous little mites. And although you'll get mighty frustrated some days - you'll also cry some mornings when you drop them off at school. Sob.
