Monday, September 28, 2009

I thought I knew the makings

of my worst nightmare. I was sure that it would involve a at least two to two-hundred spiders. Something like this (very creepy picture) - BTW - if this happened in my house...I would have to move. Don't click on it to make it bigger....don't do it. Seriously, don't!

Anyway, I was wrong, very, very wrong.

It only involved one.

A very, very evil spider that was put on the planet for one scare the crap out of me.

Saturday we were working on the yard and we needed to put the statuary up in the yard first so I could place all the tombstones. So, a few of us walk over to the "mourner" (shrouded figure with praying hands) and I decide where she goes, we pound a 5 foot piece of rebar into the ground and get ready to pick her up and attach her to keep her from blowing over.

While this is happening a see a medium sized spider with long legs crawling on the prop. I try to brush it off, but it crawls under the base and off to the opposite side of where I am standing.

No worries, the other people are over there and they all make fun of my spider it should not bother them. It is an outdoor spider so I figure I will just live and let live.

Silly, silly frog queen.

This is one of our older statues and the body and the base are connected, we don't do that anymore for the reason you are about to hear.

We lift the whole 6 foot prop up in the air four feet to get her over the rebar and into a hole that runs through the base and then into the body. Well, she is not that heavy unless you are holding her over your head....then she is a b&tch and hard to maneuver because she is so top heavy. (Hence why we make the base and the statue separate on all our new props.)

Back to, it is hard to see the hole in the bottom of the base unless you are lying on your back on the grass underneath the prop.

Do you see where this is going?

So I bend down under the prop to get ready to lay on the grass, and all I see in my left eye are two legs. Yes, I said "in" my eye.

Not "out of the corner" or "I spied with my left eye".

No, in my eye, two spider legs IN MY EYE!
I cannot describe to you how that feels....cause there are no words for that, none.

I did not scream, because I could not scream, I think my brain was so freaked out, I actually abandoned my body there for a moment....It was like I was watching myself from a distance going..why am I not screaming?!?

Oh, cause I am over here and my body is over there. Wow, how did I do that?

All I can manage to say is "Ah, give me a moment."

The my friend Elyssa lays right on the ground and they get the mourner set in a few seconds.

I know I said something to them after that. But I cannot tell you what it was.

If we had not been sooooo busy setting up the yard, I would have fainted dead away there on the lawn. I will forever in my memory have that feeling of spider legs touching my eye....I will never be the same again.
By the way, I now hate the mourner monument...don't be suprised if she is not in the yard next year :D


  1. omg that picture...if that happened in my house, i would probably never sleep again.

  2. ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew!

  3. Also, my father came over recently to help me alleviate the watery basement problem. He's standing beside my house, explaining how much tubing I will need to buy to re-route a particular drain away from the side of the wall when he realizes I'm pointing at his ankle and jumping frantically.

    I said something brilliant like, "sp-sp-sp-sp-SPIDER! F'ING BIG SPIDER!" -- and no kidding, biggest black spider I've ever seen outside of a petshop was crawling up his leg.

    Eww. I'm going to go shudder now.

  4. *shudder*


    *rubs eye*


  5. I suppose I shouldn't post a link to a picture and video of an even bigger spider......*shudder* Damn, I have the heebee jeebees now. *gag* I'd move out....

  6. I'll take the mourner if you don't want her spider -infested body anymore!
    Just trying to help...

  7. I would NEVER, EVER touch that statue again!!!! Not if my life depended on it!!!!

  8. barfy, Im not scared of spiders, but if one was crawling on my face? Yeah, Id probably have the same reaction lol.. At least you survived Froggie, now its time for revenge and spider genocide

  9. I have no fear of spiders but I don't like them either. You should see the spider hanging outside of the 4th floor of the building I am working in they are big and soo gross...

    Happy to know you are still alive Frog Queen. The blogging world would not be the same without you!

  10. I would have totally gone in to involuntary slam dance mode, maybe even done a stop, drop, and roll just for good measure. I'm OK with bugs as long as they are not (a) Gynormous or (b) on my head or face!

    Way to keep your cool

  11. Ugh...and OMG! As soon as my eyes focused in on that photo, I had to scroll so it was not on my screen. My skin is still crawling as I type this. That is a horrible photo, a terrifying tale and now I am traumatized.

    We get these wolf spiders here in FL that are as big as your hands, no kidding. And they are by far the scariest ones around. And they freakin' HOP and JUMP so you have to RUN! Well a few weekends ago, my husband was talking to me in my office when I spied something out of the corner of my eye while sitting at my computer. I look up on the wall and it was the biggest wolf spider. His brown hideous body against my pristine white wall just about caused me to faint on the spot. I ran out of my office screaming to the point of being in tears. If my husband did not go in there and kill it with a dead carcass as proof...I would have gone to a hotel and put the house up for sale. He had to fight that spider to the death, as it was FAST and kept running towards him instead of away. I was about to have a nervous breakdown, and within hours I realized I had twisted my back trying to make it around my desk and apparently banged my hip as well. He had to remove everything from around my desk and office, vaccume, and spray pesticide before I would enter it again. Have I stated yet that I HATE HATE HATE SPIDERS!

  12. I'm pretty sure that would have induced my body to spontaneously combust.

  13. Dude, is there a haunter alive who isn't TERRIFIED of freaking spiders?

    *double checking all your comments*

    I'm thinking we have some severe mass phobia here, folks.

  14. Oh, she may be right.....I agree with Max :)

  15. Shellhawk - if I feel the same next summer :) Just come up and get her :D


  16. Priceless. I hate spiders. I would have fainted. After screaming and doing a googly-dance.


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