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A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...




"Quiero calcetines," said the man.


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There was a man named Ray Berkowitz who, unfortunately for him, was not blessed in the looks department.

For a long time he thought he would never meet a woman. But one day he met a nice woman who was also far from pretty and they ended up getting married... and she got pregnant.

They decided that if it was a boy they were gonna name him Charles.

One day while Ray was out of town for work...

Why did the snowman get kick out the produce Department

Because he was picking his nose

Before leaving for a battle, King Arthur puts a strong iron chastity belt on his wife Guinevere and entrusts the key to his most loyal knight, Eddie. Then King Arthur departs.

Five minutes into his journey, King Arthur hears Eddie screaming for him to stop. King Arthur signals his steed to halt and waits for Eddie to catch up.

"Eddie!" the king says, "What's the matter?"

"Your highness," says Eddie. "You gave me the wrong key."



The CIA, F.B.I and a local police department take part in a contest and are tasked with finding a rabbit released in the nearby woods

The police department deploys search squads and dogs, and after 4 hours comes back with the rabbit.

The FBI deploys helicopters and drones and finds the rabbit in 2 hours.

The CIA comes back after 30 minutes with a badly beaten bear who cries out “I am the rabbit! And I surrender”

A blind man and his seeing eye dog enter a department store

In the middle of the household items aisle he suddenly stops, grabs his dog by the hind legs and swings him around above his head a couple of times.

Alarmed, the assistant manager comes running and exclaims "Sir! Sir! What are you doing?"

"Oh, just looking around", says the blind man






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Saw a guy in the power tool department at Home Depot who looked a lot like Elvis.

Returned a sander.

So this French dude was working in a department store in France and a Karen comes up and starts laying it on him, asking for his manager.

Manager shows up, old stoner dude that's not having it. Karen starts whining and says "But you have to do what I say! The customer is king!" The manager looks at her in the eyes and says, "Ma'am, this is France. We decapitate kings."

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A young kid from Alabama moves to New York

He sits down, greets the manager and shakes his hand.
They talk and get acquainted and the...

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NSFW: My wife and I have been working from home since April, and I finally called her HR Department with a complaint.

There has been far less sexual harassment in our workplace than I was hoping for.

What's the difference between a physicist and the HR department?

The way they pronounce "unionized".

Somebody robbed the police department yesterday and stole all the toilets

Sadly, the detectives have nothing to go on

When Noah's Ark settled safely after the flood, he opened the doors and commanded the animals, “Go forth and multiply."

All the animals departed from the Ark, except for two snakes in the back. Noah proclaimed again, “Go forth and multiply,” but the snakes stayed put. Perturbed, Noah asked them, “Why have you not followed my command?”

*“We can’t multiply. We’re Adders.”*

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A man goes to the doctor

“DOCTOR I NEED HELP!“ he says.

The doctor asked curiously “why are you shouting?“



The bicycle [long]

Two priests were talking, when one of them tells the other that his brand new bicycle has been stolen. He says that it must have been a member of his congregation, as he last saw it at the church.

The other priest says, "This Sunday, during Service, have your congregation recite the Ten Comma...

Tom wants a job as a signalman on the railways.

He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

To find out how Tom would react under pressure, the inspector asks him: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"

Tom says, "I would switch one train onto the other track, thus ...

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Not having sex tonight




A guy goes to a department store and sees a display of thermoses...

"What is this thing?" he asks the sales rep. "Why that's a thermos, it keeps hot stuff hot and cold stuff cold." "Oh neat!" the guy says, "I'll take one!" The next day he goes to work with his new thermos under his arm. His boss sees him and says "Hey what is that you got there?" The guys says, "It'...

A new supermarket opened near my house.



In the meat department, there is th...




The easiest way to get an unpaid internship with Tesla's QA department is... order a Tesla vehicle.

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A military ship pulls into a foreign port for shore leave

Before they all depart, the commanding officer makes an address to the crew:

"In this city, half of the women have AIDS and half the women have COVID. Given the knowledge of these facts, what will your course of action be here?"

"I'll just fuck the ones who cough, sir"

A man takes a trip to Europe

There's this guy, you see! He takes a trip to Europe.
It's his first vacation in a long time.
He sees the sights, you know?
He has a real good time.
Anyway, after a while he decides to call home.
He get his brother on the phone and the guy says to his brother:
"How's ev...

The Kansas Department of Transportation (KDOT) found over 450 dead crows on I-35 this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus.

A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19).

The cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird'...

Singapore’s education system be like

Memo to all students : In order to assure the highest levels
of quality work and productivity from students, it will be
our policy to keep all students well taught through our

What did the Mexican fire department name their hose?

Hose A and Hose B.

Men only want one thing

From the Missing-the-point department:

Text from her: “Men only want one thing, and it’s disgusting!”

Text from him: “Wash it then?”

I hired a bee to run my IT security department

He makes really good honeypots








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I'm no drug addict but they still took me to the substance abuse department

All I said to my friend doctor was
"I'm a dick, Ted"

James Potter and Sirius Black passed by each other in heaven.

James exclaimed, "Sirius, why are you here? Are you visiting?"

Sirius hung his head. "No, I actually died. Bellatrix killed me in the Department of Mysteries."

Potter just laughed. "What do you mean? You were a much better wizard than her. You can't fool me."

"I'm not kidding!" ...

Which department do you call when ants go missing?

Dept. of Finance

I'll see myself out now....

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The new manager returned to his ...

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The fastest black people in my city and the local police department decided to compete against each other in a race

The cops beat them.

King Arthur must depart to the battlefield.


*Should anyone lie with this woman in bed,

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Ralph, the department store parrot


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News from School

Dear Mom and Dad,

It has been three months now since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not writing before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read further unless you are s...

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A girl walks into a department store




With expectation and a...

The Marines are a department of the Navy

The men's department.

Husband and wife are putting up Holiday decorations


The IT department only had 403 COVID19 cases

Case 404 was never found.

A police department hired me to repair their roof

I was above the law.

Which Pokemon was appointed to head the department of agriculture?

Chard czar


>!They had coroner-virus.

The coronavirus must be a nightmare for IT departments.


New California Department





Med School

This happened while I was in my first year of medical school. I was taking an exam in anatomy. It was really tough. They asked questions like, "How many bones are there in the hand?" I was stymied. I kept saying to myself, "How many bones are there in the hand?" And then I heard this little voice th...

Paddy and Mary are having some issues in the bedroom department


The doctor examines them both and says “I can’t find anything obvi...

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2 middle aged women go out on the town for a girls night out

At the end of the night, they both have been drinking so much that they decide to walk home. Halfway home, they both have to piss pretty badly. Nothing is open at 3AM, so they duck into a graveyard they’re passing by to squat behind a couple of tombstones. They both realize that they have nothing to...

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A grammar book walks into a bar



* A bar was walked into by the pass...

How do you phone the maternity department at Newcastle hospital?

Dial 8




I make my entire department get the bus to work. It's way more environmentally friendly than those huge gas guzzlers we drive.

Makes it hard to get to the fires on time though.

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The professor of statistics and logistics.

So a friend told me this joke. It was created by Norm MacDonald. Hopefully I don't butcher it. Also, I'm on mobile, so I apologize if it's weirdly formatted.


A new guy moves into a cul de sac. One of the neighbors comes up to him and starts small talk.

"So what...

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The Gunny's Gun (a military joke)...

U.S. Armed Services recruiting efforts are slipping. They've advertised, offered college money, granted large bonuses to new recruits... all to no avail.

So, the Joint Chiefs of Staff all get together one day at a tavern in Washington D.C. to brainstorm a solution. After many hours of back an...

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John goes to the Postal Ministry for an interview for a job in the Postal Department.

He replies, "Yes - coffee." 
"Have you ever been in the military service? 
Then he asks,"Are you dis...

I was organising a bachelor's party for my friend. I invited the fire department,

Cause they got the thiccest hose in town

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Why did the ethics department correct the morality committee?

It was the right thing to do.

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job.


"Ummm... 4!" the blonde says.

*Dang,* the officer thinks...

A lawyer approached the Pearly Gates of Heaven

“I’m only 45 years old! Why is it already my time to depart? Send me back to Earth right now or I’ll sue you!” he angrily snapped to the gatekeeper.

“Based to the records of your billable hours, Mr. Lawyer, you’re 98 years old.”, replied the gatekeeper.

A blonde was shopping at a department store when the power went out.

For 3 hours she was trapped on the escalator.

A department store opened in downtown area that sold men and a woman decides to visit it in search of a husband.

At the store’s entrance, there’s a sign outlining the department store policy.

* The first rule states that you can only enter the store once.
* There are six floors and on each floor you can choose a husband or elect to move on to the next floor.
* You cannot visit a floor more than on...

The IT department at my work is full of clowns.

Bloody dancing clowns.

The company sent my department on a work trip

The last night before heading back home, we decided to play a prank to one of our colleges - we put a pack of condoms in his suitcase. When he got home, his wife started unpacking his stuff, and found our "gift". Without skipping a beat, he explained: "We were all given pack of condoms when we arriv...

A man runs up to the conductor of a train that is about to depart from a station in Paris...

A man runs up to the conductor of a train that is about to depart from a station in Paris. Panting, he asks the conductor:
"Excuse me, does this train go to Toulouse?"
"Non monsieur," replies the conductor.
"Zis train goes 'WOOOOT WOOOOOOT!'"

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If police never did wrong, people would trust them

Nobody ever made a song called “Fuck The Fire Department” ....



A guy applies for a job with the Chicago Police Department

He has an impressive resume, gives the best answers to the interview questions, and is very enthusiastic about the job.

"Your qualifications are impressive" says the police chief. "Here's the final test. Take this gun, go out, and shoot ten black guys and a clown?"

The man asks, "why ...







I sued a department store for selling me a broken coffee grinder.

I lost the case; the courts told me I had no grounds.

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My favourite Old Dirty / Clean Joke


The Department is Education is canceling $150 million in student loans.

Those are a lucky 4 people.




"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.


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Sergeant: What is her height?


Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?


You ever look at your ex's ex's?

And they all look kinda weird, like totally not he cream of the crop. Like, one works at a 7-11 and talks almost exclusively about Mexicans.

And you think hey maybe I'm an upgrade for her glad she's moving up in the world. She's finally found her taste in men.

But then she leaves you....

The Wrong E-mail Address

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years ago. Because both had jobs, they found it difficult coordinating their travel
schedules. It w...

What’s the worst about working for the department of unemployment?

If you get fired you still have to show up the next day

Females in theNavy

The Department of the Navy is now assigning females to quarters in a separate private OFF LIMITS area on all aircraft carriers. Addressing all boat personnel at Pearl Harbor, CINCPAC advised, "The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males. Anybody caught breaking this rule will b...

Did you hear the department of transportation is laying off thousands of workers?

They invented a shovel that stands up by itself.





A blind man walks into a department store with his seeing-eye dog.

He walks to the middle of the store, bends down and firmly grasps the dog's collar, then yanks the dog into the air and starts whipping it around it in circles above his head.

A salesperson sees this happening and runs over to the blind man.

"Sir! Sir! Is there something I can help y...




The girl agreed to have a bath the followin...

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The Department of Defense wanted to improve their survival training...

The select a sergeant from the Army, Marine Corp, and Air Force for interview, in order to see what they already know.

The interviewer asked the three sergeants, "OK. What would you do if you were away on deployment, you're about to go to sleep, when you find a large scorpion in your tent."...



The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything i...

- Homicide Department how can I help?

+ My mother-in-law please
- ... this is not how it works
+ Damn, ok nvm.

A Cypriot Joke translated to English!

Two best friends depart their ways from High School to go abroad to make lots of money.

Many years later they meet up at a local a beach Costas says to Andrea how did you get on while abroad did you make a lot of money? Nah he said i been sitting here all these years drinking beers!


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A car abruptly departs from its parking spot in front of a driving man.

The driving man says to his girlfriend, "What the fuck is that crazy asshole doing?"

to which his pregnant girlfriend in the passenger seat replies, "Pulling out. maybe you should try it."

As soon as all the wheels are replaced, my local police department is getting rid of a bunch of old squad cars they aren't using.

They're being retired

A blonde was shopping at her local department store.

She came across a thermos and was fascinated by it.She decided to buy it.When she took it up to the cashier she inquired what it was used for.
"Well it's used to keep hot things hot and cold things cold."She brought it to work the next day.The boss walks past her desk and asks"What's that?"



-What are the options?


At work I noticed the computer department have started putting Christmas decorations up

IT's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

The Ladies Department



"What type of bra?"  asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man "There is more tha...

A blonde calls the fire department

"My house is on fire, my house is on fire!!"

Fire Chef: " Well how do we get there?"

Blonde: " Duh... big red truck..."

Lysol's marketing department are trying out some new angles to generate sales. They claim that one bottle can clean an entire family of dolphins!

It's the best multi-porpoise cleaner on the market!

The chemistry department cafeteria has good food, but finding a place to sit can be a challenge.

They only have periodic tables.

When all the animals left the ark, Noah gave them instructions as they departed:

To the Aardvarks, he commanded, "Go forth and multiply!"

A couple snakes came slithering out, and he commanded, "Go forth and multiply!"

"We can't, we're adders." replied the snakes.

Well Noah kept giving commands, until at last he told the zebras, "Go forth and multiply!" ...

Why was the Chinese chef banned from the department store fitting rooms?

Because of his Peking duck.

What do you call the IT-department of Samsung?

The Guardians of the Galaxy!
