translated by Mr. Shit
transcribed by Tony DiGerolamo

And now it’s time for that prickly purveyor of wisdom…
The king of the Caryophyllales-Cactaceae…
Ladies and gentlemon’, the great Señor Cactus!

Flat Chested in Florida,

Dear Señor Cactus,

My boyfriend of two years is great except that he always complains about my small breasts.  When I confront him about it, he says he doesn’t want me to get a boob job, it’s just that I “look” like I should have bigger boobs.  Is he sending me a message?


Cindi I., U of M

Dear Tiny Tits

Cactus say, are you deaf?  Of course he wants you ta get a boob job!  The nuanced message yer boyfriend say is, “Can you pay for it?”  Consider it an investment.  After you’re big up top, it will be like your boyfriend is dating a completely different woman!  And at least this way when you break up, you won’t blame it on your boobs!

Dressed for Something

Señor Cactus:

Dude, I am watching New Year’s and Kathy Griffin is getting naked.  I think I should get naked too, but I’m in even worse shape.  Can you tell me what to do?

I’m Really High Right Now

Dear Mr. Now

Cactus say, you must be really high to be able to stand watching Kathy Griffin naked.  So yeah, get as naked as ya want, mon!  You won’t care!

Angry in Anderson

Hey Señor Cactus,

Santa didn’t give me shit this year!  I was good!  I stopped myself from punching the fuck out of my asshole roommate or people in general.  Why the fuck didn’t I get anything?  HUH?!

Kyle, 18, Anderson, NC

Dear Angry Southerner

Cactus say, he apologizes.  Mistah and he leave Santa a bong out for Christmas.  Not only did he eat all our fucking cookies, he’s been living on da couch ever since!  Our bad!

Dan Does His Friend

Mr. Cactus,

A good friend of mine and me had sex the other night.  Now things are really awkward between us.  I think the friendship is over, but the sex was so amazing!  Any advice?

Dan, 21, Rutgers Camden

Dear Friend Fucker

Cactus say, da answer is simple.  You gotta man up, apologize and repair dat friendship.  It’s the only way she gonna trust you enough so you can have sex again!

And if you have a question for Señor Cactus email us here!