Ian Eagle Has Never Ingested a Condiment

Kyle Koster
Dec 16, 2020, 4:14 PM EST
When you hear there's more condiments for the rest of us.
When you hear there's more condiments for the rest of us. | Brett Carlsen/Getty Images

Ian Eagle joined The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz's Big Suey hour this morning and put forth a heroic effort in a supporting role. There is no reason we shouldn't be giving people awards for best podcast guest, so look forward to Eagle appearing in next year's TBL Media Awards if in different real estate. About 22 minutes in—after some great zingers and candid talk about his parents' sex lives—the conversation turned to where the Pittsburgh Steelers belonged on his power rankings and if the Washington Football Team could compete for next year's Super Bowl.

Actually, no. That's not what happened. Condiment chatter happened instead (in the 23rd minute here).

Eagle, it seems, is the odd bird who doesn't care for sauces, whether they be vinegar- or roux-based.

"Not that I don't like them," he clarified. "I've never ingested them. There's a distinction between the two."

When pressed if he'd ever had a salad, or a burger with ketchup on it, Eagle said no. So what does he dip his french fries in?

"Salt," Eagle said with the steely reserve found only in a person who hasn't tasted mustard or buffalo sauce in God knows when. "You put salt in. If you feel like you need the whole motion of dipping, you do that. I don't feel the need to dip."

He does eat barbecue sauce but doesn't consider that a condiment. Although, to me, it sounded like the line delivery of a man who was realizing that, yeah, he does eat some condiments despite his long-held aversion to them.

The whole thing was fascinating but also oddly specific in its unsettledness. Like, I am left to wonder what terrible things could befall society if Eagle accidentally gets a bite of bleu cheese. Some things, I guess, are better left unconsidered.

Also, it's becoming clear that there's some connection between a bizarre dietary decision and rising up to the upper echelon of the the broadcasting ranks. Jim Nantz has the toast thing. Mel Kiper Jr. the pumpkin pie. Although by that logic, Wade Boggs should be doing network showcases by now.