Archive for December 15th, 2009


The Bible: Fancy Plans Edition Vol. 4

December 15, 2009

Back once again with the Renegade Master, the full damager, power to the people. Bringing back the Bible, old skool. Verily, gaze upon my mad rhymes and prepare to start throwing limbs about carefreely.

Volume 4 in what is a planned 144-volume series deals with the story of Jonah, another one of God’s chosen people. And much like God’s chosen people, he places himself and many others in the line of fire.

Previous volumes are available here:
The Bible: Fancy Plans Edition Archive

Much to the fish's dismay, Jonah exits through the entrance.

Jonah 1


2 Arise, go to Nineveh, that great city, and cry against it; for their wickedness is come up before me. Go now, Jonah, for I tire greatly of their lippy bullshit.

3 But Jonah rose up to flee unto Tarshish from the presence of the LORD, and went down to Joppa; and he found a ship going to Tarshish: so he paid the fare thereof, and went down into it, to go with them unto Tarshish from the presence of the LORD. And, verily, this did not go unnoticed as the LORD, being the LORD and all, saw everything and said (under his breath): Ah, hell nah! You did NOT just do that.

4 But the LORD sent out a great wind into the sea, and there was a mighty tempest in the sea, so that the ship was like to be broken. And the LORD said (again, under his breath): How you like them ship-breaking apples, you slippery bitch? Poseidon got nothin’ on me!

5 Then the mariners were afraid, and cried every man unto his god, and cast forth the wares that were in the ship into the sea, to lighten it of them. But Jonah was gone down into the sides of the ship; and he lay, and was fast asleep, because he was suffering from depression, seasickness and narcolepsy.

He remembered waking up once and wondering why everyone was painting pentagrams on the deck and tossing bricks of Bolivian marching powder into the water. But he was all like, I’m clean, no record.

6 So the shipmaster came to him, and said unto him, What meanest thou, O sleeper? arise, call upon thy God, if so be that God will think upon us, that we perish not. He continued, we’ve tried all our gods but it must be like a bank holiday or something. We keep getting voicemail and automated “Out of the Office” email.

7 And they said every one to his fellow, Come, and let us cast lots, that we may know for whose cause this evil is upon us. So they cast lots, and the lot fell upon Jonah, mainly because Jonah was the “mark,” and as such, unfamiliar with most of the house rules for casting lots (like collecting the pot for landing on “Free Parking”).

As Jonah's shipmates prepare to off him mob-style, a bunch of unrelated characters wander around doing unrelated things.

8 Then said they unto him, Tell us, we pray thee, for whose cause this evil is upon us; What is thine occupation? and whence comest thou? what is thy country? and of what people art thou? And he said, cleverly referencing a true classic, I didn’t expect the Spanish Inquisition.

9 And he said unto them, I am an Hebrew; and I fear the LORD, the God of heaven, which hath made the sea and the dry land. Oh, and some animals and humans. And a metric shit-ton of rules and regulations. Oh, and he destroyed the earth with a flood a while ago, but I doubt all this rain and such can really be considered another “world-killer.”

10 Then were the men exceedingly afraid, and said unto him. Why hast thou done this? For the men knew that he fled from the presence of the LORD, because he had told them. Unfortunately, there is not much in the sailing field that draws the best and brightest, and so we have situations like this where the men “figure something out” by having someone else tell them the answer. Hence the nickname: The Frat Boys of the Sea.

11 Then said they unto him, What shall we do unto thee, that the sea may be calm unto us? for the sea wrought, and was tempestuous. And Jonah unwisely said, what do you mean “we,” paleface?

12 And he said unto them, Take me up, and cast me forth into the sea; so shall the sea be calm unto you: for I know that for my sake this great tempest is upon you. And they were all over it, barely letting him get past the mid-sentence semi-colon. I mean, the man himself asked for it. But, being rather thick and possibly scurvaceous, they tried Plans B and C first.

Jonah does his best impression of Scott Stapp.

13 Nevertheless the men rowed hard to bring it to the land; but they could not: for the sea wrought, and was tempestuous against them. The LORD was having none of it, ceaselessly making it rain on these midshipmen.

14 Wherefore they cried unto the LORD, and said, We beseech thee, O LORD, we beseech thee, let us not perish for this man’s life, and lay not upon us innocent blood: for thou, O LORD, hast done as it pleased thee. And the LORD, seeing how quickly they deserted their own gods, taunted them viciously, shouting, Where’s your Moses now? which resulted in many continuity errors.

15 So they took up Jonah, and cast him forth into the sea: and the sea ceased from her raging. Back to Plan A: bros before stowaways who routinely incite the wrath of God.

16 Then the men feared the LORD exceedingly, and offered a sacrifice unto the LORD, and made vows, most of which they had broken by mid-February and later sold all the “barely-used” exercise equipment on Craigslist.

17 Now the LORD had prepared a great fish to swallow up Jonah. And Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights. And the LORD was pleased to the point of smugness and went off to a bash at the Valhalla Gentlemans’ Club to brag about his incredible “pimp hand.”