Thursday, April 5, 2012

I'm legally blind, so what?!

"Oh! But...where's your guide dog? And your cane?! So you can never get a surgery to fix it? How do you cope?!".
These are but a few of the questions I get thrown at me pretty much on a daily basis.
When people hear the word "blind", even with "legally" attached to it, they immediately link it to "seeing nothing".
I love the look on people's faces when they "realise", and how they quickly have to point out "but your make up is gorgeous! and your hair do! and your outfit is not miss matched!". A few times I actually have told someone it was down to my make-up artist/hair dresser/stylist. Hey, I need a new "spin" on the story every now and again and if I don't have fun with the situation, who will?!

Dogs scare the absolute daylight out of me after being attacked by one as a child, so getting a guide one has always been completely out of the question. Besides I don't really need one. Same goes for a cane; I do misjudge or miss the odd step from time to time, but who doesn't, right?!

Many of the people I know very often tell me they tend to forget I am "differently sighted" (I am SO politically correct like that!) most of the time, until I have to take out my phone to text someone or I ask them to read something far away for me. I have to be honest and admit that at 28 I still don't know how to react to that.
Was I wrong in not acting on my "different ability" so far and not taking "advantage" of it? Or is the fact people have to be reminded, every now and again, that I AM actually legally blind, a credit to my constant strive for normality and independence?

Since I was a teenager and had access to the Internet I have constantly kept myself updated in regards to treatments or (im!)possible surgeries to try and fix, or even just slightly better my vision. And for that reason I know that there is no operation available at the moment to improve my 1/20 vision (nope, that is NOT a typo, it IS 1/20).
It's the aspect I probably struggle with the most; mankind has allegedly gone to the Moon and back, cloned animals (and other human beings?!), invented pop candy, so on and so forth....but still hasn't been able to come up with something ingenious for us in the "not completely blind, but not with a decent eye sight either" limbo.
However, because you just never know, because it was free, and because I find it interesting to discuss my eyes, I recently decided to go for a laser eye surgery consultation.
I have to be honest, it was NOT a pleasant day. Even though I knew exactly what I was going to be told and what to expect, it STILL went on to distress me. Expectedly I was told they couldn't do anything for me: surprise, surprise!
I guess it's different telling people on a daily basis that I'm stuck with this, and actually being told by someone in the know.
It really did upset me big time, it still does: the constant thought of knowing what amazing things I could do with "that little bit extra of vision" just eats away at me every single day.
Sure I could be judged for seeing the glass half empty (hands up who drank that half, by the way!), but why should I just focus on what I can do, when it's NEVER enough and constantly makes me wanna do more?!
Recently I am finding trying to deal with this aspect, extremely hard. I think the fact I can't find a job has also critically polarised the whole thing in my head.
If you don't have a disability, you just cannot comprehend the constant feeling of frustration, the unflagging sense of "I'll never get there, no matter how hard I try", the perpetual notion of "you'll never be good enough".
And I have to live with that every waking hour of the day.

So to answer to the query "how do you cope?": I just have to.
Or else.....


1 comment:

  1. I know what you mean.. heh, where as say, if we were in a wheelchair or something, we'd fill the quota. Or if you did have a cane and/or a dog and appear stereotypical, you'd check boxes for some places. It's infuriating and so frustrating. It seems more like a lot of THEM are the ones who are blind. *sigh*