The Last Detail: Casino FAQs

Editor’s Note: This was originally published in the April 2010 issue.

What impact will Ohio’s new casinos have on state and local budgets?

Casino license fees and taxes on revenues will be nothing less than a financial panacea, funding everything from the state’s space program to the creation of a State Fair Corn Dog Czar, from Toledo’s purchase of a giant downtown deodorizer to Cincinnati’s humanitarian effort to preserve the structural integrity of Jack Atherton’s hair.

How many and what kind of jobs will the gaming industry create statewide?

In the short term, casino developers are likely to employ a nebulous number of construction workers for an amorphous period of time, which will reduce unemployment statewide by a vague amount. Long term, hundreds of minimum wage positions, such as dealers and dice waxers, will be created along with higher paying ancillary jobs, such as sex worker, pinky ring jeweler, and (after training by out-of-town muscle) local muscle.

How will Cincinnati’s casino be financed?

Hard costs (site acquisition, building materials, furnishings and equipment, executive hair-slicking product, and two separate sets of accounting ledgers) will be bankrolled by this certain guy, better you shouldn’t ask who. Soft costs (marketing, shysters, bribes, kickbacks, intimidation, skimming, dunning, and vigorish) will be paid with postdated third-party countersigned checks drawn on a Mexican bank. The human cost, naturally, will take care of itself.

Will the facility be as big as those in Indiana?

Bigger. When completed, Cincinnati’s casino will be large enough to comfortably hold all the heartache and shattered dreams the Tri-State region can generate.

What’s the expected annual revenue?

Projections are still being made but developers are so optimistic that the casino vault will be an exact duplicate of Scrooge McDuck’s, complete with dogsleds that can be mushed over the rolling hills of piled bills and coins.

What forms of gambling will be offered?

Patrons will find classic mechanical money extraction devices, such as slot machines and video poker; table games, such as blackjack and craps; and exciting new wagering options, including Heads I Win, Tails You Lose; Kamikaze Yahtzee; and Tea Party Poker, where the object is not to win but to bellyache about and denounce the person who does win.

Has a name been chosen yet?

Yes. After rejecting such names as For Craps Sake (too frank) and Aasdlfjkl (a drunken typo), developers, recognizing that anything fun here has to be named “Flying Pig,” settled on Flying Pig Casino.

Lastly, what will the marketing strategy be?

To comply with state gaming industry regulations and truth-in-advertising laws, the working slogan is: Flying Pig Casino. Where winning is one of only two possible outcomes.

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