Are you ready to HACK your LIFE? I sure am.

I envision myself in the hacker in an early 2000’s, perhaps late 90’s movie. I’m in a dark room, surrounded by chip bags and other junk detritus to signal to the audience that I’ve been sitting here a long while and I’m not about to leave. In front of me, a cascade of code, all green for some reason even though green-hued monitors have been gone for at least a decade, and as I type rapidly, every single motion that occurs on the screen is accompanied by a blip or a blurb or some other electronic noise, just like no computer in the history of ever.

And as I finally smash the right inputs to turn an old water bottle into a cat dish or something, I narrow my eyes and whisper.

“I’m in. My life is hacked.”

You can be in too. Just look at these life hacks that the internet assures us are real, maybe.

10. Shower power

Take those extra shower hangers you have and use them for holiday lights instead. Santa himself will make you the Emperor of sensible Christmas.

9. That’s a wrap

Use some lettuce to catch all the precious fillings that fall out of the sandwich so that you won’t cry about them anymore.

8. Dry, dry again

After you use a toilet brush, don’t just stick it back in its little tube or chase your brother with it like normal. Place it like so and save the world from all your gross!

7. Thunder buddies

Is your dog scared of loud noises? Just stick your padded bra on his head. That way he’ll only be scared of you.

6. Vampires beware

Mince garlic, freeze it, then cut it into squares so you can use chunks of the stuff like bouillon cubes to slake your insatiable appetite for the herb.

5. Bottled up

When at the grocery store, put your bottles between the bars of their portable food prison so they don’t roll around a cause such a scene.

4. ‘Tis the season

If you love the flavor of poverty so much you need it on all your cuisine, just empty some raman packages into a shaker. I sound like I’m mocking this but I swear I’m gonna end up doing it.

3. Special compartments

You can put anything in that little bucket between your seats, they have to let you.

2. Hard lessons

If you’ve got bolts and stuff that need to go with furniture you disassembled for a move, tape them to the thing so you don’t lose them. This will reduce the amount of screaming later and likely save your marriage.

1. Olive you

Is your bottle of olive oil bothering you by making your hands all greasy? Just strangle its neck with some rubber bands and a paper towel. That’ll show ’em.

Can’t wait to improve my life!


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