S – R-Rated Reviews

logotitle copy3



THE SAND (2015)

When classmates wake up on the beach after partyin’ all night, they’re horrified to learn somethin’ alien is hidin’ under the sand and digestin’ folks with its follicle touch. Like the world’s deadliest game of lava, the remainin’ survivors must put their melodrama aside and leap frog their way to safety. This is such an easy premise to fuck up, but the filmmakers effectively pull off a successful monster flick that shows how much can be done with so little. Of course a lot of this success is owed to the actin’ which is gold as far as I’m concerned. The gore and monster is so-so CGI, but it doesn’t distract from the tension or plot. Dick art on folks’ faces, canned students, high school datin’ drama, trunks closed on fingers, puss oozin’ gut wounds, bloody dissolved victims, mace and banana defenses, boobs, and Jamie Kennedy plays the useless authority figure! 4/5! 


The Sandman is lullin’ folks to sleep in a trailer park for their souls, but a resident writer proves a challenge thanks to him experiencin’ insomnia when he can’t think of synonyms for penis. Made by the same Z-grade filmmakers who brought Full Moon Features to their fastest low point with shot on video flicks in the 2000s, this ain’t a terrible supernatural horror but could have been a lot better with higher quality cameras and lights. Sleep suckin’ wrist worms, killer toys, sinkin’ digitial effects, puppet killers with CG eyes, stabbin’s, nods to Chop-Top from Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, porno movie nights, Heraldo parody fist fights, bunny girl photo shoots, limbo dream dimensions, and bags of magical sand! 3/5!  


Haylie Duff adopts her recently orphaned niece and finds out she has super powers a hush hush operation wants to weaponize like telekinesis and the ability to manifest her own version of a guardian boogeyman, the Sandman. An all around sweet film with firm actin’, sharp cinematography, a cool lookin’ monster, and thoughtful nods to past sci-fi horrors that influenced it, there’s very little sours to bitch about. I just feel Duff’s boyfriend’s fate should have been played up a little differently with him bein’ more of an asshole, and I hate how the niece is terrified of the Sandman yet he’s savin’ her from everyone tryin’ to hurt her, sometimes under her own command! Sandblasted deaths, impalements, face slashin’, explodin’ heads, chest burstin’, extreme dry-heavin’, telekinetic balls and door slams, silly CGI sandstorms, Tobin Bell stars as the bad guy, and Freddy Krueger rules with Tina save the day! 4/5! 

zclawsSANTA CLAWS (1996)

A Scream Queens Illustrated model is so distracted by her cheating husband and nudie picture job, she has no idea her goofball neighbor is a deranged fan killin’ everyone around her so he can have her all to himself for Christmas. This is pretty low-budget skin flick slasher, but despite some over the top acting, boobs galore, and the killer Santa welding a cheap cultivator for his instrument of destruction, the filmmakers do have a legitimate story with some merit as we follow the creepy neighbor’s journey into obsession turned ugly. Blondes in the bath, nudie video shoots, deaths in the dressing room, roofied kids, Scream Queen shrines, softcore bangin’, killer Santas, funny acting, slobs in the sack with models, stabbings, and youngn’s with guns! 3/5! 


Brace yourself for a nutty mash-up of ideas as a teenage artist accidentally doodles a Christmas shark to life with a magic pen and spends Christmas Eve rescuin’ his friends and family from bein’ eaten by the imaginary killer. Part Cellar Dweller, part Krampus, and all silly shark, this has to be one of the craziest TV shark movies I’ve ever seen. That said, the CGI’s decent, the filmmakers do a good job keepin’ things Christmasy from scene to scene, and there’s a solid story from beginnin’ to end, but the actin’ ain’t convincin’ when it comes to realistic reactions, the rules for Santa Jaws are all over the place, and the family barely has chemistry. Bikini trophy wives, fantasy Russian girls, greedy comic shop owners, explodin’ ornaments, bunch of folks eaten whole, impalements, senseless sacrifices, magic pens, explodin’ turkey dinners, medieval defenses, bitch mamas, fist fightin’ Santa fantasies, mulligan endin’s, and yes, Santa Jaws wears the hat the whole time while wrapped in Christmas lights and even gains a candycane horn and busted ornaments for teeth! 3/5!

z09SANTA’S SLAY (2005)

Wrestling’s Goldberg gives his greatest performance as a Krampus-like Santa who tears through a small town in search of the angel who cursed him to deliver gifts to good youngn’s for a millennia. Nothing but sick Christmas fun here I watch without fail every year! Strip club massacres, stop-motion flashbacks, hands forked to tables, dinner massacres, Fran Drescher on fire, impaled by menorahs, eggnog drownin’, James Caan stuffed to death, head bashings, Santa panic rooms, police station massacres, grandpas run over by hell deer, bazooka huntin’, punted dogs, and epic curlin’! 5/5!


This film is like watching a porno without the porn! A satanic rhinestone janitor has his sites set on a group of sassy cheerleaders and kidnaps them for his dark pleasure. His Satan lovin’ friends have different plans, however, and prepare the girls for their first human sacrifice, not realizing one of them may very well be the devil incarnate! Campy acting, peeps of nudity with side boobs, and a 2 song soundtrack stuck on a loop you’re either gonna love or hate like this movie. Rival school pranks, sick’em dogs, water balloon wars, TP’d football fields, shower peep holes, offroad kidnappings, and games of beach chicken! 3/5!


A woman dies under mysterious circumstances, and her sister investigates the suspicious academy she was enrolled at for answers. Before long, she realizes she’s in over her head as she finds out the students are under a satanic spell that makes them femme fatales for a teacher who claims to be Satan reincarnate. Not a bad made for TV movie overall, but it has zero scares, zero satanic imagery (minus fire and a silly cloak), and plays like an episode of  Charlie’s Angels, which makes sense, because those same people made this movie and even cast a couple of future angels in this! Hangin’ deaths, satanic sticks, unnerving paintings, rats in mazes, mass suicides, old bats revertin’ to young fawns, drownings, and Nancy Drew gumshoe’n! 3/5!


Like the original made for TV flick, this small screen movie of the week is a chick investigatin’ her sister’s seemingly suicidal death, tracin’ the mystery back to a college where dark forces plot a rise to power. Influenced by such hits at the time like The Skulls and The Craft, the devil worshippin’ cult is now a secret coven of witches on the academic warpath, castin’ CGI spells left and right against anyone tryin’ to stop them from livin’ like a Rockefeller. Overall, this is a decent chick flick with red herrings and steady twists and reveals. Only complaint I got is how the emotional core of this story is supposed to be a murder mystery but it’s grossly overshadowed by a conspiracy mystery. CGI lightnin’ bolts, wolf transformations, folks flung through the air, fun with pyrokinesis, slit wrists, red eyes, evil birds, goth chicks with bad rep, inconvenient convertibles, teacher’s pet with benefits, and witchy rituals! 3/5!


In this horror spoof from Roger Corman’s studio, a family inherits a cursed haunt that ends up bein’ ground zero for a monster mash with vampires and Van Helsing fightin’ over a book that controls all the evil in the world. Full of sweet monster suit actors, stop-motion bats, and a sad lookin’ gill man, this family friendly flick is an entertainin’ ‘nough watch, but feels pretty dated and should’ve put more focus on the young’ns given the audience it seems to be aimin’ for with its cartoonish humor. Bats mistaken for owls, brides of the vampire, exterminatin’ fang haters, e.t. lookin’ wooly boogers, monsters jumpin’ out of magic books, mink coat closet monsters, Jaws gags in the tub with sloppy lookin’ gill men, fatal freefalls, severed heads, TVs that only play Twilight Zone marathons, teeny boppers chased in towels, and instant home makeovers! 2/5! 


Roger Corman’s studio takes a second stab at the Saturday the 14th script and delivers an improved copycat with ‘nother family inheritin’ an ol’ haunt but with monsters crawlin’ through a crack in the basement to fulfill a prophecy claimin’ the son as the king of all evil in the world. With everythin’ revolvin’ ’round a young’n as the central character this time ’round, the story feels more dynamic and the level of humor’s easier to tolerate knowin’ the family friendly tone this horror flick’s goin’ for. Biggest sour for me is how everythin’ builds up to a sloppy endin’ that’s a bunch of stock footage and green screens from Corman’s past movies slapped together. Evil fog, werewolf aunts, junk food scarfin’ puppets, hungry couches, monster mash parties, monster suit actin’, singin’ vamps, my favorite magicians, magic bells, choo-choo chicken games, late night trances, chocolate puddin’ sculptures, junk food meal plans, race horse shootin’, mini-golf monsters, girls sucked down pipes, Jason jokes, inflatable kiddie pool visions, and Michael Berryman as the mummy! 3/5! 

SCALPS (1983)

A gang of college students trespass on an Indian burial ground to dig up artifacts for a class assignment and awaken a pissed off warrior spirit who possesses one of them to kill the rest. From cult director Fred Olen Ray, this Native American horror has some campy sweet make-up effects and fetchin’ eye candy in painted on jeans rockin’ a pair of cowboy boots, but that’s ’bout it. Only one person’s scalped, the characters are flat, and the soundtrack of rape whistles and windchimes overpower a lot of the scenes. Perfect heckle fodder for Mystery Science Theater 3000 fans in trainin’. Cassandra coots, possessed suicides, stabbin’s, progressive cake make-ups, Elvis lip cat man ghosts, multiple arrows to the back, throat slittin’, possessed rapin’ with boobs, confusin’ night for day shots, bullets to the head, ghost teepees, explodin’ puppet heads, spontaneous blood bowls, scalpin’, decapitations, weak fight scenes, ghost-vision, and Forrest J. Ackerman pops in for a sec to wave a monster book ’round! 3/5!

zscareSCARE ZONE (2009)

A strip-mall haunted house opens its doors for Halloween but gets too real as a love-sick psychopath makes its performers a permanent part of the gory scenery inside. A fun film that never drags, the weirdest thing about this flick is it’s shot, lit, and scored like a Goosebumps episode, if Goosebumps had boobs and gore. Chainsaws vs aluminum bats, roadside skeletons, tramp vamps, back stabbings, creepy Christmas shops, cemetery romances, garden rakes to the face, disembowelments, cleavers to the neck, arms nailed, melted teens, decapitations, goth cutting, chainsaw chases, obsessed stalkers, and milf cleavages! 3/5!


In this better than average TV movie, horny teens accidentally awaken a killer CGI scarecrow, and he’s out to chase a busload of detention rejects off his farm. Well shot with a likable enough cast and an alright story, this ain’t the best scarecrow flick I’ve ever seen, but it’s far from the worst. Most impressive thin’ ’bout it is its monster which is some top notch CGI that has its creepy moments from time to time as this livin’ root creature with a mug twisted in subtle agony. This movie would be better if there was a little less Tom and Jerry runaround and if at least one Breakfast Club wannabe lasted to the end. Secret barn dungeons, folks dragged through cornfields, jumpscare pranks, head crushin’, stabbin’s, woodchipper deaths, explosions, car wrecks, scarecrow festivals, cop killin’, and boarded-up farmhouse defenses! 3/5!


A car full of beach bound high schoolers take a detour in farm country for a skinny dip but end up stranded and hunted by a hulkin’ man who spends his time capturin’ trespassers for scarecrow stuffin’. This flick has some decent actin’ and a lotta pretty camerawork, but there’s not a lot of reason to root for the victims, the tension’s nearly non-existent, and the killer just ain’t scary for reasons I’d rather not spare the time analyzin’. Mouths sewn shut, crow peckin’ torture, folks nailed and tied to scarecrow crosses, car thefts, nip slips, Daisy Duke cellulite, offscreen blowjobs underwater, needles to the neck, numbed terror, face carvin’, stabbin’, desperate shits, doobie rollin’, and one of the biggest wusses EVER captured on celluloid who can’t walk after a few scratches from a barbwire fence! 3/5!


A singer recoverin’ from a bad episode moves into her psychiatrist boyfriend’s new plantation home with her son and gets severely mind fucked as the ghost of a cursed slave owner goes all Amityville on them with bloody visions, an army of pigeons, and monstrous possessions that tear ’em apart. This is a classic example of a flick that saddles that fine line between good, and so bad it’s good. There’s plenty of attention given to developin’ the characters and their growth as a supernaturally challenged family, but the horror feels lackin’ and suffers horrible escalation ’til the special effects bonanza in the third act makes up for all the Lifetime drama I had to endure. ’80s music video shoots, so many pigeons I swear I’m watchin’ The Birds, fatally hung carpenters a whole police force can’t find, trunks full of corpses, slave trade markets, time travelin’ visions, ghostly embraces, parallel timeline editin’, secret slave attics, protective stones, giant redskin heads, Native American lamps, live-action sandbox toys, obvious deleted scenes of dead babysitters, loony bins, stabbin’s, hauntin’ piano scores, hilarious car wrecks, explosions, time travelin’ earthquakes, bitchslaps galore, zipper brains, backstory diaries, and ghost slaves beatin’ the last girl over the head with state of the art digital effect messages jumpin’ right off of her son’s computer screen! 3/5!


When a mad killer escapes police custody Halloween night, one cowardice dork swears he sees him stalkin’ the halls of a haunted house attraction and will do whatever it takes to get out alive. The best word to describe this slow burn whose characters spend half the runtime waiting in a long ass line is “awkward.” Awkward camera angles, edits, conversations, ya name it – it’s all just awkward which has to be the filmmakers’ intention given the gawky out-of-his-element lead who reminds me of Mr. Bean with all his silent cartoony reactions. Despite these sours, however, Scary Movie’s got some laughably oddball moments I enjoy and manages to capture and sustain a fun Halloween atmosphere. Rubber snake pits, sexy bee costumes, yawn-worthy kisses, severed hands with scythes, human meat market scenes done to death, shotguns to the chest, wolfman dolls, bus wrecks, slaughtered rabbits, loose cows, trouble makin’ gangs, five finger discounts, and twist endin’s that kinda ruin the movie! 2/5!


In this Halloween/Election Night horror set in 1968, a gang of teens are cursed by a dead girl for stealin’ her book of scary stories from her local haunt and are now bein’ killed by monsters she’s pennin’ into existence through new tales written just for ’em. Based on the infamous series of kiddie books mamas made a national stink ’bout forever ago, ya might be quick to compare this motion picture adaptation to the Hollywood treatment of R. L. Stine’s work, but let me tell ya, this ain’t Goosebumps! This creature effects spectacle dares to push the envelope and features blips of gore and an impressive number of death scenes folks don’t come back from. The only sours I have to bitch ’bout are some cop-out scares (the lazy way the toe monster finally nabs the one kid and the girl with spiders in her face bein’ hidden under so much darkness you can barely see her), and the confusin’ nature behind what exactly the filmmakers are tryin’ to say gives the dead girl the power to write people’s fate from beyond the grave. Livin’ scarecrows, straw man transformations, flamin’ projectile bags of poop, car wrecks, drive-in chase sequences, draft dodgers, mutilated body parts, toe stews, home invadin’ corpses, young’n absorbin’, monstrous huggin’ fatties, tragic backstories, shady business cover-ups, hospital chases, car vandalizin’, creepy recordin’s, neck snappin’, monstrous car chases, wailin’ ghosts, spider baby pimples, and stories written in blood! 4/5!

SCHLOCK (1973)

The missin’ link ‘tween man and monkey has thawed from his Ice Age burial, and now this nigh invulnerable Banana Killer stalks a small town where he’s happily takin’ in the sights and meals of the 20th century when he ain’t mutilatin’ folks left and right by the dozens. John Landis’s first swing at directin’ with monkey make-up by equally buddin’ talent, Rick Baker, this B-movie parody ain’t nothin’ phenomenal but has ‘nough charm and jokes that land to be entertainin’ from beginnin’ to end. It’s almost more fun to test yer trivia knowledge and see how many sci-fi/horror nods ya can pick out. Arm rippin’, post- park massacres, missin’ link babies, more than one blind gag, dual piano playin’, repetitive fetch, over dramatic banana robbery, banana flingin’, dance crashin’, gunfire executions, clips from The Blob, vintage ice cream vendin’ machines, and a cameo by Forrest Ackerman! 3/5!


Breakfast Club wannabes think it’s just ‘nother weekend detention sneakin’ puffs and pokes behind a drunk principal’s back, but someone’s fed up with their misfit shenanigans and violently expels them as the school’s local ghost. This high school slashin’ killer-in-the-wall mash-up ain’t anythin’ amazin’, but it’s far from a bad flick with a decent cast, nice camerawork, and somewhat creative kills. The killer mascot proves to have a memorable presence with a sweet urban legend behind it, but his ultimate reveal is a bit confusin’ and kinda ruins what little we care ’bout the last girl who’s already on thin ice the whole movie as anyone I’d care to watch. Vent crawlin’, axes to the head, wacky tobacky, offscreen decapitations with a paper cutter, students yanked through walls, locker room massacres, stabbin’s, unbelievably severed feet, breakin’ and enterin’, slow dancin’ stalkers, two-face cheatin’ good girls, hoop dream crushes, decomposin’ teachers, and classrooms of the dead! 3/5 


“Rowdy” Roddy Piper plays a futuristic Boston cop huntin’ an escaped rapist who’s infectin’ women with an extraterrestrial STD that turns them into explodin’ methane breathin’ tumors that breed octopus babies. Make sense? Hope so, ’cause the rest of the details in this Blade Runner wannabe just makes things waaay too confusin’. Aside from lunar prisons, endless night time, and the rapist bein’ Roddy’s old best friend who killed his wife who was originally the rapist’s girlfriend at one time (see what I mean?), I still can’t wrap my skull ’round the origins of the STD from space, who the prisoner carryin’ it before was, and if the rapist meant to contract it or not. Even the title doesn’t make the most sense, ’cause it always makes me think this is ’bout gladiator fights in space. Connect the dot cityscapes, body horror, monstrous mutations, rooftop brawls, lasers to the face, human matchsticks, fatal freefalls, heavy metal power tool duels, arm carvin’, regenerative healin’, shock collars, Vertigo kinda romances, techno magic mugshots, and gun blasts to the chest! 3/5!


Desperate to give his dyin’ theme park a second life, Doug Bradley hires two homicidal loons to slaughter his teenage employees on their last night of work so he can capitalize on their massacre as an infamous crime scene attraction. This is one of them flicks that ball busts the fence as to how sweet and sour it is. It’s an alright premise, decently shot, offers some acceptable gore every now and then with a mildly entertainin’ cast of eye candy and psychos who remind me of sack-head Jason Voorhees and Chop Top from Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, but the pacin’s too slow, some scenes are pointless, and the park could have stood some spookier decorations. Hangin’s from a roller coaster, stabbin’s, head smashin’, beer purchases with a fake license, decapitated heads, masked homicidal maniacs, bangin’ in a public restroom with no boobs, and Doug Bradley spares a couple of minutes for a cameo! 3/5!

SEA FEVER (2019)

It’s Deadliest Catch meets The Thing as an Irish fishin’ boat sails where it shouldn’t and encounters parasitic glow-in-the-dark semen that tries to blow its crew up from the inside out after mistaken ’em for a whale-size dinner. An overall good film with a solid cast and superb effects, the only thing I can’t really buy into is the heroic science student whose naive approaches to workplace safety and moral convictions make it hard to root for her. What sane scientist fingers mysterious goo, goes wrist deep in other folks’ blood without protection, and think hospitals are a bad idea to rescue someone from a fatal infection? Sea fearin’ superstitions, gashed wrists, explodin’ eyeballs full of parasites, giant glow-in-the-dark sea beasts, parasitic showers, eye sperm, hands in machinery, non-stop bleedin’ wounds, attempted stranglin’, infectious NyQuil goo, deterioratin’ wall fingerin’, suicidal ships, euthanasia, mad sea hags, electrified defenses, fatal freefalls, and infernos at sea! 3/5! 




Nick Cage and Ron Perlman get their medieval on as defective knights who land in the hot seat and gotta transport a witch suspected of startin’ the Black Plague to a buncha monks to stand trial. This flick is an oddity. Despite its epic scale, big score, semi-interestin’ premise, and star power – it’s kinda borin’. It has all the elements for a entertainin’ ride through the Dark Ages with the groundwork for some compellin’ character development, but it feels flat with no one for me to really latch on to and care ’bout. I’ll give this flick props for an unexpected twist I never see comin’, but that doesn’t make up for Nick’s awful period piece accent that’s ’bout as convincin’ as Keanu Reeve’s in Bram Stoker’s Dracula. Decapitations galore, wolf pack attacks, hangin’s, a castle worth of demonically possessed monks, Black Plague victims, stabbin’s galore, rickety bridges, hand stabbin’, jailbreaks, deceitful whispers, barbecue bear hugs, eye scratchin’, cartoony lookin’ demons, heavy hittin’ holy books, exorcisms, cage meltin’, and witch hunts! 3/5!


A soon-to-be-wed couple invites their friends to their marriage in the boonies with a weekend getaway at a swank cabin, but someone ain’t happy about it and slashin’ folks left and right. The cinematography is crisp, and the story’s decent enough, but the actin’ leaves a lot to be desired and derails a lot of the tension for lukewarm laughs. I’m still not certain I can even begin to understand the killer’s motive once they’re revealed! Stabs to the crotch, huntin’ with arrows, shower slashin’, boobs, sabotaged insulin, axed arms, stabbin’s, throat slittin’, red herrin’s, bogus scares gettin’ a facial, and road head! 3/5!


In this scratched to shit throwback to grindhouse slashers, a PC killer gives a henhouse of college hotties Christmas presents full of weapons he has to steal back to kill them with. The filmmakers make a valiant effort creatin’ a sweet flick with the same fun and energy of a gore-tastic holiday horror from the decade of Pac-Man and legwarmers, but it’s just shy of a home run with draggin’ escalation and an endin’ that trips all over its own jokes with a bafflin’ wrap up. And kudos for the film maintainin’ a Yuletide atmosphere, but it could really stand to have more Christmas tunes which has to be the most copyright free holiday racket of all time! Almost as bad as all the talent restrictin’ their nudity to ass shots and obscured shower scenes. Drilled eyeballs, home invasions, panty raid pervs, secret web cam lives, booger sugar crammin’, impalements, stabbin’s, fire poker skewerin’, severed dicks that look like wax, decapitations, vomittin’ chicks, suspicious carolers, chainsawed heads and ankles, head bashin’ with blowdryers, literal bloodbaths, electric knives to the chest, and be prepared to grit yer teeth hearin’ every annoyin’ beep and alarm you’ve ever known! 3/5!


Spoiler alert, Scream Freaks! When a couple of inbred young’ns randomly drown in a kiddie pool for absolutely no reason, their incestuous dad/brother blocks out the details and starts cosplayin’ as a serial killin’ child to figure out why he only gets a boner for his horndog sister. What the fuck, indeed! This flick looks great, has really good actin’, and a nice enough escalation of danger, but wow, the story just collapses in itself with the ridiculous reveal at the end and it’s only further complicated by the sister’s elaborate manipulation of her brother. Stabbin’s, creepy rhymes, deadly dress-up, kidnappin’s, marital hostages, sexual freak-outs, movie theater nymphos, people helpin’ themselves to strangers’ books and readin’ them out loud, slasher scrapbook souvenirs, saran wrap deaths, internet datin’ no-nos, and Kari Wuhrer bares both her talents for a second! Barely 3/5! 

SEE NO EVIL 2 (2014)

WWE decides to bring Kane back as the Bible-thumpin’ slasher, Jacob Goodnight, and drops him in a morgue where he avoids his autopsy in time to chase Danielle Harris as a birthday girl mortician fightin’ to keep her friends from bein’ choke slammed to death. Directed by the Soska sisters, this is a terrific love letter to ’80s slasher flicks that’s a bunch of fun thanks to slick camera work, a rockin’ soundtrack, and one of the best gang of victims ever captured on celluloid, the best bein’ American Mary‘s Katharine Isabelle givin’ the spaziest freak out performance of her career! Sadly, I feel Goodnight leaves a lot to be desired as a memorable character you wanna see any more of. Fishin’ for cripples, dead slasher fetishes, chokeslams, door bustin’, urban legend endin’s, bogus scare stiffs, embalmin’ fluid gore, head crushin’, stabbin’s, throat slittin’, surgical tools through the chest, knock knock deaths, abusive flashbacks, strangulations, bangin’ without boobs, and lame crucifications! 4/5!  


Amy Smart and her new husband are tryin’ to enjoy their Chinese honeymoon, but a village cabbie abandons them as sacrifices to a bunch of naked ghost guys tearin’ through the boonies for a bite to eat whenever the 7th full moon of the lunar cycle rises. I hate this film. Mostly because it looks like the cameraman is tryin’ to cope with Parkinsons and ADD at the same time, and the edits were fast and flyin’ like someone on a cocaine rush did it. I can overlook all that if there’s a strong enough story mind ya, but this is a perfect example of no story gettin’ in the way of a Tom and Jerry plot. Doesn’t help Amy Smart and her co-star had zero chemistry either. Finger stabbin’, mauled pedestrians, barn brawls, underworld gateways in caves, confusin’ sex with zip nudity, and one half eaten dog hangin’ on to dear life! 2/5!


A film crew arrives at a re-built hospital to shoot the most culturally diverse flick ever attempted in Texas, but production has a few hiccups with murders, pointless hurricanes, and drama out the ass before everythin’s revealed to be some disjointed mulligan delusion in a nutso’s head. This is one of them artsy fartsy kinda thrillers that’s too clever for its own good and endin’ up a sad man’s Identity with John Cusack. If the subtle clues and escalation of danger in the script was better thought out and the editin’ was done with someone’s elbows, this had the potential to be somethin’waaay better given the camerawork and tolerable actin’. Nothin’ to see here, so just skip it! 2/5!

THE SHAFT aka DOWN (2001)

An updated American remake of The Lift which makes even less sense, a freak lightenin’ storm fries a high rise’s elevator runnin’ on organic microchips and turns it into an unbelievable killin’ machine only a painfully 2000’s lookin’ Naomi Watts and strugglin’ elevator repairman can stop with a bazooka. Directed by the same fella responsible for the original flick, this version is a lot fancier with a much better romance ‘tween the lead and his news gal sidekick, but the whole idea behind the killer elevator isn’t any clearer. Like why did a scientist put these experimental bio-chips in a single elevator of all things and how was the crooked elevator manager gonna profit from it exactly? And just where’s the logic in it suckin’ folks into it and firin’ ’em off the roof at break neck speeds? Worth a look so long as ya don’t sweat the details! Explosions, hung dogs, blind freefalls, handsy hair appointments, extreme rollberbladin’ to Aerosmith, possibly the scariest elevator deaths ever committed to celluloid with passengers fallin’ through the floor ‘fore it rockets through the roof, young’n slappin’, decapitations, hangin’s, overheated pregos, elevator births, SWAT officers cut in half, elevator infernos, jump cutty scene transitions, and livin’ shaft cables! 3/5!

ymov8THE SHALLOWS (2016) 

A surfer chick is knocked off her board by one bogus big-ass shark at a secluded beach and plays the most fatal game of leap frog back to shore. Blake Lively proves 2 things in this movie; She has one of the best asses in Hollywood, and she has the acting chops for carrying a whole movie by herself (with a little support from co-star, Steven Seagull). Never a dull moment, this film proves even the simplest story about tides can be told in the most exciting ways but skimps on a lot of the gory shark chomping action we wanted to see more of. Surfing montages, buddy horror seagulls, gutsy drunks, GoPro deaths, dolphins, jellyfish, flaming sharks, squishy crabs, and dead whales. 4/5! 


It’s Groundhog Day with witches as a woman books it to Italy to research the site of an ol’ witch’s execution site and ends up cursed to repeat the same day over and over again with hooded yahoos out to kill her. If ya saw Happy Death Day, then I’d recommend skippin’ this poor man’s copycat with none of the fun or tension. Only thin’ separatin’ this from every other Groundhog Day wannabe is boobs. Throat slittin’, kidnappin’s, suicides, bullets to the head, boobs in the shower, witches, and spontaneous bangin’ between the sheets with boobs! 2/5! 


One of the dumbest shark movies I’ve ever seen that doesn’t even have a gimmick to it, some folks paddle three hours off the coast of Florida to the middle of nowhere for a photo shoot on a rock, sharks attack, and two final girls gotta bitch and paddle every which way from CGI sharks while a wide eyed Michael Madsen casually phones in help from his kitchen for a quick paycheck. My biggest problem here is the script’s chunky scenes and silly logic its characters follow. There’s just blocks of awkwardly long winded conversations one after ‘nother, and why would the photographer make his model and makeup girl paddle ocean currents for three hours under the roastin’ sun ‘fore a shoot ‘stead of takin’ a damn boat?! Pointless jet ski deaths, National Geographic recitin’ boat captains on shark life, chats ’bout feelin’s, dolphin rescues, high tides, and one fella turned to chum for sharks! 2/5! 


After a non-stop montage of epically scored kidnappin’s, an interchangeable gang of strangers wake up on a private island where a wealthy crime lord forces ’em to fight different kinds of sharks as payback for all of ’em havin’ somethin’ to do with his son’s death. For a low budget shark flick, the filmmakers obviously tried to make this a respectable creature feature with its cast deliverin’ their most serious performances as saps ’bout to be eatin’ by modestly animated sea life in believable action sequences. Only problem is, the no name heroes don’t carry ‘nough screen presence to keep me invested, the masterminds behind their misery are pretty one note, and the fights with the sharks are a little rinse and repeat. Pup shark attacks, tiger sharks, great white sharks, injections to the neck, land mine explosions, spear stickin’, kidnappin’ galore, shark tooth pullin’, shark themed escape rooms, cat fights on the beach, and plenty of folks turned to shark chum! 3/5!


A bangin’ gang of beauties behind bars escape their swamp litter duties and must outwit a prehistoric land shark for their freedom. First and foremost, this is a pretty well-made film about well groomed prisoners outrunnin’ a dino shark accidentally released from underwater caves bein’ mined. However, this is a made for TV flick, so no boobs and very limited gore. Biggest criticism has got to be Traci Lords’ pointless role as a peripheral slack jaw agent who barely interacts with the film much less have any impact. Lesbo lovers, 4x4s vs land sharks, explosive shark bait dummies, instant romances, bikinis in the hot tub, girls with guns, and cave raftin’. 3/5! 

zsharkSHARKNADO 3: OH HELL NO! (2015)

As soon as Fin Shepard is recognized by the U.S. president for his heroic efforts battling airborne sharks in the last 2 films, an onslaught of sharknados start spamming all over the east coast, slowly merging into one devastating sharkicane. With the help of nomadic sharknado hunters, a chainsaw limbed prego, and David “Rocketman” Hasselhoff, Fin once again races to end the unnatural disaster no one can explain. Pushing the humor more than ever from James Bond gags to sharks in space, this guilty pleasure is just good ol’ fashion shits and giggles fun that recognizes its absurdity without making a spoof of itself. Double chainsaws, gold chainsaws, chainsaw hands, roller coaster sharks, Nascar sharks, Jaws impersonators, White House sunk, celebrity fish food, mascara guns, shark meteors, space births, pregos in space, and destruction to both Universal Studios destruction and Washington D.C. destruction! 5/5!


5 years after the events of Sharknado 3, sharknados are back and crazier than ever with only Fin Shepard and his shark hating family to put an end to them before they destroy America. We get an unexpected but much appreciated departure from previous Sharknado story formulas with this sequel, but the damn filmmakers continue avoiding how the sharknados are even happening which could make for a great story with a mastermind villain behind it all. My biggest complaint, however, are the sharks’ lack of ferocity that always left us knowing anyone could die at anytime. SandSharknados, bouldernados, cownados, oilnados, firenados, nuclearnados, giant balls of twine with teeth, sky-diving marriages, Las Vegas chaos, Chicago chaos, Kansas chaos, Niagara Falls chaos, Busey science jumbo, bimbo terminators, Wizard of Oz gags, chainsaw exo-suits, Texas Chainsaw reunions, nesting shark gags, sharkfibulators, CGI hand tools, boys in barrels, kiddie chainsaws, chainsaw swords, and Lloyd Kaufman screams, “Nuke’em High!” 4/5!


The discovery of a magical relic unleashes teleportin’ sharknados around the world, one of which sucks up Fin Shepard’s son, sendin’ pop culture’s newest chainsaw champ on a global goose chase with the help of a cyborg bimbo, a sisterhood of she-shark killers, and numerous celebrities. The series has made the logical jump to the next natural expansion of their epic, but I’m startin’ to feel the franchise runnin’ dry despite teases at sharknado time travelin’ in up comin’ sequels. This isn’t quite as funny as previous Sharknados I’m sad to say, and I’m willin’ to blame that on Ian Ziering bein’ saddled with Tara Reid the whole movie, who he has zero chemistry with. I would much rather see him teamed up with Cassie Scerbo playin’ Nova again. She acted her heart out in this thing and is a much preferable hero to a screamin’ cartoon character. Indiana Jones nods, Sydney Opera House battle station, lasers, crushed bystanders, limb rippin’, mutant shark-zillas, portal chases, car chases, American Werewolf in London nods, London chaos, Tokyo chaos, Italy chaos, Rio chaos, Australia chaos, Egypt chaos, shark-nami, Fabio as the Pope, holy chainsaws, whirlwind young’ns, apocalypse shark, blimp wrecks, time travelin’ jeeps, decapitations, rebuilt bimbos, avalanches chaos, and bimbo copters! 3/5! 


A cultural phenomena comes to an end as the Sharknado series spoofs Back to the Future with Fin’s son sendin’ him and his friends on a time travelin’ quest to stop historic sharknados while rescuin’ their family once and for all. Just when I didn’t think there was anywhere else for this series to go after globe trottin’ adventures and suicide space missions, Asylum surprise me with time travel and continue pullin’ out all the stops! Even more impressive is how the writers seem to take their timewarp plot seriously and pay close attention to how all these intricate scenes work together in the bigger picture . . . ’til they decide to blow everything up for a happy endin’ that is. And while snobs can pick at plenty of sours in this particular flick like its comic book actin’, denial of real world physics, cosplay wardrobe, and wishy washy special effects that look great one minute and shit the next, this is just a fun movie to watch ultimately with more entertainment than you can shake a chainsaw at. Time travelin’ jeeps, Star Wars nods, electrocutions, explosions, dinosaurs, wizards. pterodactyl ridin’, fire breathin’ sharks, drag queen witches, arms bitten off, fast draw sharks, rock’n roll sheriffs, ’60s beach parties, medieval castles, dystopian futures, laser eyes, robo-Reid heads, time-shiftin’ genders, wild west jailbreaks, fishin’ massacres, timenados, megalodons, flyin’ wagons, folks crushed under freefallin’ sharks, lasers, clone bot armies, robo shark sentries, zero Dolph Lundgren, mulligan endin’s, and one of the wildest kisses EVER committed to celluloid! 4/5!


A pizza tossin’ dweeb sells his soul to the devil to be the ultimate hair band rock star, but his heavy metal dreams turn into a gnarly nightmare when he learns he has to kill folks in trade to keep the fantasy goin’. The story’s obviously bigger than the budget this movie’s workin’ with, but thanks to a strong script, competent leadin’ man, and filmmakers I can tell give a damn, this is easily one of the best rock’n roll devil flicks I’ve had the most fun watchin’. Voodoo witches, satanic dealin’s, green vomit, snakes, true reflections in silver, crispy hell hags, pizza parlor beat downs, deformed babes, demonic visions, cancerous hellions, concerts, impromptu magic love melodies, toxic food injections, topless groupies from hell, rock concerts, stabbin’s, life force suckin’, corpses in the dishwasher, trailer park ass-kickin’s, stiffs in the closet, babes in the hot tub, peepin’ toms, and rockers hurlin’ on fans! 4/5!


After Captain John Carradine gets his cruise ship stuck on a reef, his passengers hop skip it to a nearby island where a marooned Peter Cushing warns ’em his ol’ WWII squad of zombie Nazis are invadin’ from the watery depths to indifferently kill anyone in their path. Points to the filmmakers for creatin’ a forebodin’ atmosphere with an impendin’ threat Cushing perfectly convinces me to be ‘fraid of, but in the end — the underwater goose-steppers are pretty underwhelmin’. There’s some cool B-roll of ’em marchin’ ’round like snippets from a lost music video, sure, but their kills ain’t nothin’ impressive to see, and Cushing’s shortchanged alotta interestin’ scenes he coulda shared with his secret death squad he sank all those decades ago. At least Carradine gets more screen time than usual, makin’ this the most actin’ I’ve ever seen from him in one flick! Women drowned in aquariums, faceplants into sea urchins, deadly face grabbin’, fatal baptizin’, claustrophobic panics with a flare gun, merrily bobbin’ bodies, haunted rust buckets, distractin’ phonographs, confusin’ eye strain weaknesses, rapid deterioration, shallow water naps, Marco Polo lynch mobs, white wall endin’s, and hide and seek in a furnace! 3/5! 


When a corporation’s research site under the polluted ruins of a quarantined Venice goes to hell in a hand basket, they send in a laughable mix of commandos to investigate and fight fer their lives ‘gainst mutant muck men and cyborgs. An Italian copycat of Aliens with a dash of The Terminator at the very end, this is entertainin’ ’80s trash with alotta humorous dialogue, respectable effects, and cheesy action. As great as it starts out, however, it unfortunately loses steam ’bout halfway through and drags things out with a fair ‘mount of pissin’ time ’til the story takes some unexpected turns with time travel. Tough talkin’ chicks who like to randomly give gifts in the middle of missions, surfer dude commandos, circuit board faces, wire wounds, chest bursterin’ mutants, cocooned victims, time travelin’ bunkers, electrocuted cyborgs, pregnant pauses galore, leather vests that disappear and reappear like magic, lost young’ns who look way too ol’ for pigtails, hand bitin’, and gunfire galore! 3/5! 


After Derek’s younger brother is spooked by an angry geezer on a shortcut home through the woods, he puts on his gumshoes and investigates the town’s legendary loon who may be killin’ the neighborhood dogs. Produced by Adam Sandler and co-starrin’ James Franco’s brother, this flick has all the elements for an effective scare with crisp cinematography and convincin’ actors, but the tension unfortunately fizzles out halfway through due to a thin story that lacks an escalation of danger that doesn’t pick up ’til the last few minutes. Dead dogs, slingshot deaths, captive family members, smashed hands, head bashin’, sledgehammer violence, rear endin’, gunplay, and homicidal family secrets! 3/5! 


Things go from bad to worse for a buncha teens when their bus ride through the wilderness gets hijacked by a serial killer then break down in a thirsty vampire’s hidey hole. An overall fun creature feature with an engagin’ cast of baby face actors, the only thang I ain’t the biggest fan of is the story’s lack of a lead to help me get more attached to the characters, and the needless backstory of the previous guy huntin’ the fanger who’s more like a pointless afterthought to explain the monster killin’ toys than an integral part of the film. The lack of a meaningful body count’s a bit of a bummer too. Neck suckin’, bus jackin’, botched buddy systems, shriveled corpses, air drum beat boxin’, flashlight defenses, torched bat beasts, blood droolin’ facials, and dumb endin’s with adults not believin’ teens reportin’ dead bodies and kidnappin’s! 3/5!

yshriekSHRIEKER (1998)

College squatters in an abandoned hospital take turns pointing fingers at who they think is summoning a teleporting creature for human sacrifices. Surely someone’s first time making a film, this waste of a monster movie is riddled with less than exciting cinematography, horrible dialogue, a sleep inducing score, leads who can’t act their way out a sliding door, and about zip screen time with the monster. Evil spells, squatter code of ethics, commie bitches, homophobes, supernatural assassinations, recycled monster footage, and clawing. 2/5!


Half of this Z-grade flick is ’bout three strangers enactin’ the buddy system to hike the Carolina boonies durin’ the stompin’ zombie apocalypse . . . the other half are completely separate hodge podge shorts of nobodies gettin’ eaten by zombies that have nothin’ to do with the other half. Either the filmmakers didn’t know which film they wanted to make or they came up with some ambitious filler for paddin’ this baby out to meet the qualifications of a feature film. Even with a choppy plot and sins against the camera’s 180 rule, however, the actin’s alright, the gore is messy with some effective stabbin’s, there’s an original head bangin’ tune, and we get some new zombie lore ’bout the undead steerin’ clear of shit. Decapitations, arrows to the nuts, acid laced meat treats, attempted rape, bitin’, can on a string alarm systems, explodin’ heads, head stabbin’, treehouse forts, ceptic defenses, stabbin’s, gun fights, camper boobs, flashers, disembowelments, blows to the vagina, and dumpster forts! 2/5! 


A gang of flawed teens tour a travelin’ freakshow where the ringleader suckers them into becomin’ their own sinful oddities. For a pretty hackneyed premise, this Fred Olen Ray directed flick successfully provides some good ol’ fashion entertainment that offers convincin’ enough characters, a compellin’ story, and memorable freaks and effects. Only thing I have to bitch about is some confusion over some of the freaks’ abilities like how Digestina exactly eats and what it is the Inside Out Girl can do without her skin. Total Recall chest mutants, bug boys cosplayin’ as the Invisible Man, girls takin’ all their skin off, topless reflux tub chicks, livin’ dolls, bangin’ bods without faces, gnarly canary men, face meltin’, beast boys, cripples, midget ringleaders, transformation tubes, snake cuddlers, and Brinke Stevens as one hot fortune teller! 4/5!  

ysilentSILENT MADNESS (1984)

The wrong psychopath is discharged from an asylum and only 1 milf doctor with any moral fiber sets out to find him before he seeks revenge on the sorority that made him snap in the first place. This is a good story in concept but really needed to pump up the excitement and give us more horror. Plays out more like an episode of Matlock or Murder She Wrote. Drilled heads, cattle prodin’s that sound like farts, shaggin’ wagons, Dragon’s Lair gamin’, flashback spankin’s, strung up gravity boot deaths, seedy orderlies, newspaper editors to the rescue, epic fail 3-D gags, protective mothers, and shotgun trick shots. 2/5!


A bank manager’s Christmas Eve goes to shit when a crook masqueradin’ as Santa invades his home for a heist that involves makin’ his family and friends wear bomb belts while he instigates a frog opera among them. Far from any remake of the original snooze inducin’ Silent Night, Bloody Night from ’74, this is its own flick and almost doesn’t qualify as a horror save for its use of bomb belts and minimal body count. Despite its questionable genre, it’s a well made flick with plenty of tension, but I’m baffled at why the robber feels the need to be as involved with another family’s affairs as he is for what could be a much simpler bank robbery. Exploding cow videos off screen, creepy Santa masks, infidelity, roofied walks in traffic, stabbin’s, yule logs, drugged drinks, and mystery gift games! 4/5! 


After young Billy witnesses his parents being killed and molested by a criminal dressed as Santa, his grip on sanity slips around Christmas time and being raised by abusive nuns in an orphanage doesn’t help any. Billy’s pent up holiday trauma is triggered years later while wearing a Santa suit, and he takes it upon himself to pick up an axe and punish the naughty overnight! I personally love watching these kind of origin stories when we see the movie through the killer’s eyes and kind of sympathize for them as tragic figures we can all eerily relate to on some disturbing level. Love the story, love the characters, and it’s ’80s slasher gold from its gory deaths and boobs and successfully keeps up the Christmas atmosphere throughout the film. Fatal gunshots, carved flesh, strangulations, decapitations, topless impalements on decorative antlers, flying axes, box cutter gifts, fatal freefalls with glass, Santa hunts, Linnea Quigley death, peeping tom youngn’s, punched out Santas, gunned down Santas, fatal sledding, attempted rapes, bitch nuns, stabbings, bows and arrows, axes to the chest, hammered deaths, and grandpa gives the best Christmas monologue ever committed to celluloid! 5/5!


Screwed up by a past riddled with horrific holidays, Ricky experiences the same homicidal triggers that sent his brother on a killin’ spree as Santa in part one and lands himself in prison after pretendin’ his neighborhood is Hogan’s Alley. As Christmas Eve rolls ’round, he escapes and focuses his cosplay Santa rage on the strict nun who punished him and his brother at the orphanage they grew up at. Cashin’ in on sequels bein’ the thing to do at the time, the filmmakers made this flick fast and dirty with the first half of the movie bein’ a CliffsNotes high light reel of the first SNDN. Hell, the filmmakers even recycle clips from the first part as a movie Ricky watches at a movie theater! When we do finally start Ricky’s story, it’s written pretty straight, but the execution is laughable thanks to Eric Freeman’s cornball performance as Ricky and the filmmakers’ lack of commitment for makin’ anything special in a good way. Not as bad as the internet claims, but be ready with that fastforward button at first. Garbage day memes, naughty theater goers, Batman pop-up tricks, attempted rape, recycled boob shots of Linnea Quigley, decapitations, strangulations with car antennas, stabbin’s with umbrellas, human roadkill, nun-o-phobias, fugly handicap nuns, eye explosions, car battery deaths, and gunned down Santa posers! 3/5!

zsirenSIREN (2016)

The seductive monster chick from V/H/S gets her own movie, and it’s pretty damn good! A guilt conscious fiance takes his bachelor party to a whorehouse of horrors and is compelled to free a mysterious woman bein’ held against her will, mind fuckin’ customers through a window. With her pimp hot on his trail, the bachelor regrets becomin’ a backwoods target as he soon finds out the girl is a possessive demon with a penchant for murder and kinky sex. Great characters who hold your interest, creative story elements, and one memorable monster that’s up there with the chick from Splice. Memory cocktails, fat ass strippers, cults, whipped girls, leech hairdos, crowbars hammered through kneecaps, men anally rapped by winged monsters, people mauled, and impalements! 4/5!


Kind of like the horror version of Inception, this flick’s ’bout an ’80s young’n watchin’ TV horror hosts watch an anthology of horror shorts that chase their own tails to a limp indifferent endin’. I dig the demented rugrat and her favorite TV stars who’re like a new comedic spin on Nekromantik 2, but the short films are what kill me, and they make up the majority of this snooze fringe. Fatal drinks, escaped maniacs I think the filmmakers completely forget ’bout, necrophilia on the couch, kidnap-o-vision, possessed young’ns, evil grannies, and junkyard chases! 2/5! 

SKINNER (1993)

When Ted Raimi’s not bummin’ it from town to town oglin’ over how water works, he’s busy paradin’ the streets in flesh suits he carves off his latest murder victims ’til a pathetically bumblin’ Traci Lords can stop him. A must see for fans of the Evil Dead talent pool that includes screen gore by KNB EFX, this Buffalo Bill wannabe has nuggets of good ideas, but fails at givin’ me anyone to really latch on to never mind root for. Unless of course, you count Traci Lords as this mutilated mumbler seekin’ revenge like a sad man’s Dr. Loomis. I laugh every time she drags ass into one of Ted’s murders, just to be duped and defeated with antics lifted from the Three Stooges. Affairs of the heart, pervy hotel managers, chronic dopin’, flesh peelin’, boobs for hire, deformed avengers, offscreen kills, harmed dogs, urban chases, and Ricki Lake as the last girl, all or nothin’ shotgun totin’ guards, and literal black face! 3/5!


A trio of thieves invade a weirdo family’s Italian castle as Hollywood posers and uncover some bizarre secrets durin’ their heist with supernatural consequences. While this Full Moon flick promotes the puppeteered creatures in the headline, all the B-movie gimmicks are saved ’til the very end. The real star is Full Moon babe, Robin Sydney, who gives breasts and soul playin’ a retarded gal full of mixed emotions. Superbly lit and shot with all around decent actin’, the best scene is this subdued moment of horror as a guy helplessly watches his family eat his favorite livestock friend for dinner. Dungeons of discipline, cryptic grandpas, sugar skull guardians with laser eyes, sexual harassment in the workplace, bloody cannibal kisses, zombie incest, possible possessions, and Robin Sydney topless! 3/5!

SLASH (2002)

The lead singer of Slash returns to the MacDonald family farm to bury his dead aunt, but engine trouble leaves him and his band stranded and strugglin’ to prepare a new album while a Jeepers Creepers wannabe’s out to kill ’em fer his blood harvest. An overall solid flick outta South Africa, this fantastic lookin’ horror keeps up a great pace with subtle laughs and escalatin’ danger. If only it had a tougher soundin’ soundtrack and more creative kills with the exception of the rocker turned to minced meat with a hay baler. ’90s soundin’ emo rock concerts, horse shit doobies, barnyard burials, human matchsticks, rural rituals, belly button bitin’, sex without boobs, car wrecks, hints of a Halloween party openin’, soup can shootin’, tarot card readin’, stabbin’s, impalement, and barn fires! 4/5!


This review shouldn’t even be in here, because this is not a horror film. It’s labeled a horror, but this is really a snooze drama that must have been remarketed once its bit actor, Robert Englund, hit it big as Freddy. Robert plays a college drop-out hippie who sends a postcard to some ol’ school buddies, invitin’ them to his side of the mountain where things are great. After a long trek, skinny dippin’, Yogi Bear picnic thefts, and a horrible album’s worth of some tone deaf woman’s album of yodeling I suspect this flick was the excuse for, the couple are attacked by a couple of rapists who can’t get hard. Robert finally strolls in the last minutes of the movie to soothe the unhappy campers, helps them scare off the rapists with sticks, and the flick ends with a message about needing pain to truly experience the pleasures of life. This shit is a half hour worth of story drug out into a mind numbing feature. 2/5! 


I’m not quite sure where the original party started or was even ’bout, but a gang of social media influencers show up for an after party at some impressive digs in the California hills and start bein’ picked off by an emoji face slasher tryin’ to thin the herd of celebrity posers. If there’s one thang this Gravitas Ventures released bummer doesn’t deliver, it’s a party atmosphere. More like strangers hangin’ ’round a waitin’ room, there ain’t much of anyone to rally for, the filmmakers take their time with the kills, and the endin’ leaves a dissatisfyin’ aftertaste. Best part besides the eye candy that makes this worth watchin’ is Shark, the charmin’ drug dealer who knows how to roll some joints. Stabbin’s galore, big tata flashin’, sucky rappin’, bullets to the head, auto ambushes, hands in garbage disposals, conspiracy theories, booger sugar, girl on girl lip lockin’, and throat slittin’! 3/5! 


When the county tries taking Lester Bacon’s failing slaughterhouse from him, he and his pig snorting tub o’ son, Buddy, make a hit list of people to skewer while chopping up thrill seeking teens trespassing on their property. Far from great, but nowhere near bad, this ’80s slasher offers a memorable killer, great sets, a rockin’ soundtrack, and a good revenge story with character. Hog carcasses galore, cop car joy ridin’, slaughterhouse music videos, hog festivals, deadly dares, face slashing, hog cuddling, hand chopping, throat slitting, backseat ambushes, hit-and-runs, and victims stuffed alive in a saw machine! 3/5!


In what could be called this century’s Nudist Colony of the Dead, an annual slumber party of nude pillow fightin’ becomes a witch’s steppin’ stone for immortality, pittin’ a cast of raunchy ladies in the buff ‘gainst a butt-load of CGI evils. Once I recover from the initial shock of the gratuitous bush this flick crams in the first few minutes, it slowly wins me over with an unexpected charm in its self-aware delivery of schlocky bathroom humor that’s in a league of its own. The story’s a little all over the place, I have no idea why it’s shot like an episode of The Office, and I lose track of the witch’s evil plans from time to time, but it’s well lit and edited, sports some impressive special effects, and has a few stand-outs in the cast who keep me engaged with this sucker to its mulligan endin’. Explodin’ boobs, black magic rituals, Necronomicons spells, supernatural lasers to the face, risks for pink eye, tentacle boobs, kinky games of spin the hand, rigged games of dare or dare, fake movie trailers, tooth pullin’, pukin’, flashin’, fatal pillow fights, interdimensional travel, sunk tampon lookin’ witches, lesbo lovemakin’, offscreen assplay, golden acid showers, girls on the can, monstrous transformations, pickled souls, gunfights, tattooed flesh galore, hairy pits, full frontal brawls, and possibly the first ever anal possession ever committed to celluloid! 3/5! 


Mixin’ The Most Dangerous Game with science softcore fiction, this flick’s about 2 dolled-upped slave girls escapin’ their captives and crashin’ on an alien world where a sadistic host and his robots play hide and hunt with their guests. Unfortunately, this film takes itself a little too serious and offers very little gore and boobs with some pretty half ass effects from the painted lasers to the blue space screens. However, the story is decent, the actin’ is more than tolerable, and there’s some sweet eye candy fightin’ with cool lookin’ aliens and robots. Scantily clad blondes breakin’ chains, spaceship jackin’, decapitations, arrows in the back, topless splashin’, big guns, phantom zones, trophy heads, 2-3 aliens, log talks, explosions, 1 softcore sex scene, Brinke Stevens bares all without showin’ anythin’, and the best part is the hunter’s 2 robots bickerin’ on the beach! 3/5!


Three bubbly urban explores take their web show to the boonies on Christmas Eve to check out an abandoned Santa Land, but find out it’s the real Santa’s retirement home, and he needs their help stoppin’ a recently escaped Krampus from deliverin’ toothy hairball critters to young’ns ‘cross the world for reasons only he knows. I’ve seen a lot if not EVERY Krampus movie to date, and by far, this is horns and shoulders above the majority of them. The production’s slick and crisp, Krampus’s make-up is amaze-balls, every character from biker Santa to a disenchanted Ms. Claus is engagin’, the story’s fresh and excitin’, and overall, this is just a lot of fun to watch! Slay Belles is the closest thing to my idea of what a Krampus movie should be. The only sour is the dime store lookin’ cop uniforms. Krampus-vision, air-borne slay rides, explosions, decapitations, monstrous transformations, gift wrapped puppet creatures, Christmas magic, cookie addictions, magic staffs, wardrobe change with boobs, disemboweled young’ns, horns through the chest, tasers, and Krampus dong! 5/5!


A stressed artist is flown to a remote island getaway for some R & R with her closest loved ones, but someone or somethin’ starts slashin’ them one by one as a hurricane blows through. I don’t think this flick really lives up to the bad-ass title. The scenery’s pretty, the kills are wince worthy, and the characters are interestin’ enough to not be a total snooze, but I think there’s too much pissin’ time due to such a small cast, and who or whatever the killer is needs to be explained better. Head bashin’, beach corpses, psych-out dreams, human matchsticks with flare guns to the chest, hangin’s, borin’ games of Marko Polo, corpse climbin’ crabs, pitchforked boobs, fishin’ hooks to the face, possible dreamworld slippin’ killers, possible sleepwalkin’, mulligan teased endin’s, decapitated pillow talk, heads stuck in cellar doors, possible premonitions, and one crazy lookin’ puppet prop monster! 2/5!


A slasher is loose at Camp Arawak and nervous campers suspect young Ricky and his oddball cousin Angela have somethin’ to do with it. The only other successful film series outside of Friday the 13th to make you afraid of summer camp, this cult classic offers memorable kills and one fucked up endin’ that’s a bit convoluted but makes sense with enough thought put into it. Watch this a second time and ask yourself if the wardrobe and haircuts are all clues to the twisted endin’ that always leaves me wonderin’ why the killer becomes a growlin’ Neanderthal! Back stabbin’, shower slashin’, decapitations, hard boiled pedophile cooks, corpse slitherin’ snakes, bloated bodies, fatal big bites, bathroom traps, boatin’ accidents, young’n deaths, homo-flashbacks, slumber slashin’s, arrows through the neck, and rapes with curlin’ irons! 4/5!


A buncha yahoos spend a week at an exclusive filmmakin’ camp where an actress accidentally died on camera decades earlier, and it’s anyone’s guess what’s out to end their wannabe careers in the movie biz. It’s either 1) the pissed off ghost of the dead actress, or 2) the dead actress’s dead director’s son who’s either possessed, gone off the deep end after watchin’ his pop’s death reel so many times or legit tryin’ to rid the camp of its seemingly harmless ghost problem with a sacrificial ritual. This sucker starts off promisingly ‘nough with a decent concept and some standout talent, but as soon as the flick stops to play a short film in its entirety, everythin’ goes to shit in a hand basket. On ‘nother sour note, nothin’ anyone does from the cops to the filmmakers is believable. It’s obvious the filmmakers were too lazy to research real police protocols, and no camp full of filmmakers, amateur or not, would ever put an actress in a scene with fire and not get a single shot of the flames. Blair Witch Project nods, show and tell snuff films, human matchsticks at the stake, girl power, stabbin’s, and blame games! 2/5! 


A gang of high school girls dick ’round with the Slender Man lore and begin to slowly show signs of mental wear and tear as they become more and more obsessed with a faceless spider-like entity that wants to fuck with their minds or take them someplace no one can find them. This Creepypasta inspired flick gets a lot of sass for bein’ this unforgivably awful movie, but it’s really a decently made horror that’s unfortunately mediocre with a bunch of flat scares. A problem I think would be easily fixed if we just see the aftermath of Slender Man’s victims which would give me an actual reason to fear him. Instead of folks simply disappearin’ or Slim usin’ borin’ choke holds, show me someone gettin’ physically injured or dragged screamin’ to the pits of hell. Then I might be more fearful whenever he’s on screen, ’cause I know what the sorry sap he’s ’bout to capture is in for. Slumber party dares, faceless pranks, drunk dads, missin’ teeny boppers, Slender Man doodles galore, loony bin chat rooms, paranormal science research, possible possessions, home invasions, blindfold summonin’s, teens turned to trees, and bad make-out sessions! 3/5! 


A sportscaster accidentally lands his plane inside a hardenin’ fog and must help a scientist and his daughters save L.A. from an invasion of underdwellin’ slime folk. It’s not a half-bad movie with an interestin’ enough set-up, but so many of the characters were laughably quirky, and the filmmakers completely refused to do anything cool with rubber suit hunchbacks made of slime. Hardened soldiers, studio back lot hideouts, theater bums, dew points, goat carry-ons, buddy system with ropes, fog, fog, and more fog! 3/5! 


English villagers are bein’ picked off by a werewolf, and the police think the supernatural perp is someone workin’ on a zombie film shootin’ in town. This dialogue driven flick feels like nothin’ but an underfunded compromise, ’cause every scene seems to take place between more excitin’ moments characters are either describin’ after the fact or watchin’ offscreen. I guess it’s the filmmakers’ workaround for action sequences they couldn’t afford to film, but all that leaves us is an hour and a half of yokels yammerin’ at a bar, actors screamin’ at their film crew, and incompetent flat foots bumblin’ for answers. The biggest sour’s gotta be the werewolf, though, ’cause this pootch doesn’t pop up ’til the last second, and it’s obvious the filmmakers were so embarrassed by this costume shop mon-star, they barely show it in what few fast cuts I can make it out. A handful of pancake make-up zombie extras, local celebrity lookalikes, electrocutions, off camera maulin’s, sausages cooked in studio lights, and severed limbs! 2/5! 


A fancy hotel’s built on top of an underground monster’s lair, and the inside out butthole booger beast retaliates by secretin’ its fear inducin’ ooze through every nook and cranny it can to scare the guests into killin’ themselves. Only Pastor Kevin Sorbo and his new dog fearin’ crush have any hope of stoppin’ it all with the help of a hermit scientist. A made for TV movie, this joint effort between Syfy and Hallmark comes off just how you’d imagine; A buddin’ relationship right out of a supermarket romance novel set against a creature feature backdrop. Sounds dicey, but it works, and makes for a pretty sweet movie with superbly sharp cinematography. Decapitations, asthma attacks, impalement, scary wolf flashbacks, hag phobias, explosions, sewer scares, zombies, folks yanked underground, protective Native American chants, and heavy machinery mayhem! 3/5! 


A folk artsy wife convinces her pushover of a husband to purchase a random farm house they picnic in front of and instantly regrets it as a cryin’ satanic jar of glow-in-the-dark jelly taunts her with wind machines and the possession of one of her young’ns. Director Steven Spielberg’s second swing at a TV movie that pales in comparison to his work on Duel, this flick is a bit of a snooze with very little escalation of danger and fails to properly set-up the wife for me to definitively see the difference in her before and after she encounters paranormal nuisances. Darren McGavin’s magnetic charm helps inject some energy into this stale tale, but he’s unfortunately stuck playin’ second banana to the hysterically homely wife. Possessions, fatal freefallin’ geezers, child abuse, chicken swingin’, magic circles, evil lights, fatal car wrecks, homemade evil-wardin’ jewelry, creeper neighbors, and sing-song commercial shoots! 2/5! 


A clueless pipe layer comes back from the northern hemisphere with a sample of the originally defeated Blob, and the gelatinous threat thaws to resume its all consumin’ invasion of a new backwoods town of yahoos and stoners. This is a valiant effort at a semi-comedic sequel that attempts to repeat the successful beats of the Steve McQueen classic while thinkin’ up new ways for folks to be dissolved by space jelly, but it flops harder than stale jam thanks to its criminal lack of character development that leaves us with no one interestin’ to care ’bout. That said, watchin’ this TV-like movie feels more like an endurance test with one dimensional characters barely movin’ the movie from one scene to the next with any tension. Gotta give the filmmakers props for the Blob sequences, though, which uses more tricks than a seasoned street walker! Flies blobbed, kittens blobbed (off camera), dogs supposedly blobbed (off camera), barbershops blobbed, couch potatoes blobbed, gorilla suit wearin’ dune buggy drivers blobbed, bowlers blobbed, a peace pipe smokin’ Burgess Meredith blobbed, crippled priests blobbed, cops blobbed, bowlin’ alley massacres, sewer pipe singin’ hippies, Shriner streakin’, and A/C defenses! 2/5! 

SONNY BOY (1989)

A kidnapped baby is raised to be a junkyard mob’s feral assassin, and the town folk wage all out war for his destruction after some pretty mundane hijinks followin’ his escape from the doghouse. The best way to describe this mutt of oddball entertainment is comparin’ it to a calmin’ hypnotic tune with dark lyrics. While this has bizarre characters doin’ weird things, it’s executed as a serious piece of cinema with captivatin’ camera work, and a cast actin’ their asses off to the point of pullin’ unexpected emotions out of ya for Sonny and his fucked up family of criminals. I would have just done away with all of Sonny’s voice over, ponied up the dough for more than one tired tune, nixed the endin’ after the war, and cut back on the run-on scenes where Sonny takes his time actin’ with his eyes. Tongue cuttin’, boobs, maulin’s, motorcycle knife fights, tranq darts, mortars, explosions, firefights, tongue surgeries, thumb bitin’, shotguns to the chest, theft, carjackin’, baby ‘nappin’, feral boy bon fires, ice cream truck transports, pyramid infernos, literal neckin’, sons chained to movin’ cars, Brad Dourif plays top henchman, and it takes David Carradine wearin’ a dress for me to fully appreciate his actin’ chops! 3/5! 


A no strings attached sequel to Sorority Babes in the Slime Bowl-O-Rama combined with the story from Nightmare Sisters, this rock bottom Z flick is about a sorority girl hysterically attackin’ pledges from abandoned colleges to empty clubs after bein’ possessed by a retarded demon from a crystal ball. If you don’t mind watchin’ home made VHS movies with horrible line deliveries, zip nudity, shit lightin’, super delayed reactions, and choppy editin’, then you might find this tolerable. Worse offense is there’s no dance-a-thon in this flick unless you count the final fight with the demon on a seizure inducin’ dance floor in an empty night club. Street walker exorcists, droolin’ flesh eaters, new versions of Twister, overnight dares, expensive fog effects, crystal ball séances, fatal deep throats, eye poppin’ effects that take their time, girls’ manic demonic screams, naggin’ old man recipes for demons, cacklin’ girls throwin’ themselves into locked doors, and director Dave DeCoteau as the executive producer! 1/5! 


By the most random of chances, unrelated dangers like disgruntled hicks, escaped convicts, and a blood thirsty monster cursed by a Native American relic converge on a remote cabin in the woods where sorority babes are throwin’ a party. This overly dubbed movie has so much goin’ on, it’s fun just to see how the filmmakers try pullin’ it all together. Seriously, the bad guys in this film have nothin’ to do with each other. They just all happen to cross paths at this cabin with their own agendas rangin’ from takin’ the girls hostage, tellin’ ‘em to knock off all the racket, and sacrificin’ ‘em to supernatural forces. Head rippin’, Native American relics speakin’ perfect English, topless bar dancin’, fatal freefalls, cops shootin’ fugitives, monstrous transformations, monster visions, obsessed fishermen, hot tub fantasies, the longest towel dryin’ scene ever filmed, and one blonde bombshell who bared her tan line talent like clockwork! 3/5!


I never thought I’d say this in a million lifetimes, but this is a Z-grade masterpiece! A kid dicks around on Halloween and finds a cursed statue where witches were rumored to have been executed centuries before. When his brother throws a party and holds a séance, the statue releases a powerful demon that possesses the kid and starts killin’ the teens in gore-tastic ways worthy of any popular slasher flick! This is a shining example for how a small budget feature can be just as good as studio blockbusters, even if it looks homemade on a VHS camera. The story’s solid, the actin’s tolerable, the girls don’t look awkward, you can tell the music had serious thought put into it, the camerawork is fluid, and the special effects are AMAZING for this level of filmmaking’! Highly recommend checkin’ this out if you can find a copy. Séances with Ouija boards, creepy old man guardians, spines ripped out, demonic statues, Evil Dead nods with Necronomi-knockoffs, heads chopped in half, girls sawed in half, explodin’ heads, animated demon spirits, demon-o-vision, painted lightnin’, heads twisted 180, girls ripped apart in the air, dudes sliced in half, head impalements, and possessions. 5/5! 


A bunch of scary short stories with no punch line are woven together by a desolate stretch of desert highway that’s supposed to double for hell or the Twilight Zone or something. We’re given fleeting moments of what could have been great twisted stories, but with no satisfying end for any of them. Cultists with brainwashing meat, amateur surgeons, winking tattoos, and home invasions . . . the only memorable thing about this anthology was the music and flying monsters that bookend the film which has to be one of the eeriest scenes I’ve seen in a long time! 3/5!


When a pin-up gallery of Earth babes are stranded on a radiated rock overrun with mutants. monsters, and cyborgs, space salvager Wolff comes to the rescue for a paycheck and gains Molly Ringwald for a loud mouth tag-a-long. After watchin’ this two-fisted sci-fightin’ flick, I only got one word for ya, partner . . . sweet amaze balls! Packed with as many special effects, toyetic vehicles, and video game plot as I could ask for, this sucker’s like watchin’ a live action version of Heavy Metal the whole family can enjoy, and that’s no surprise given they share some of the same talents. There are some lame 3D gags, and Wolff could stand to have more of an actual scene with the evil claw machine played by Michael Ironside, but nothin’ that robs this top notch production of its fun. Ambushed trains, explodin’ space cruisers, escape pods, paraglidin’ kidnappers, rollcage motorcycles, wannabe road warriors, invasion of the wrinkled fat with boobs, water siren amazons, energy suckin’ machines, death gauntlets, manhandled baths, robo meltdowns, techno babes, midgets playin’ mutant young’ns throwin’ molotov cocktails, heavy duty war machines, sea dragon puppets, collapsin’ fortresses, mutant henchmen, spaceships, and Ernie Hudson co-stars! 4/5! 

ymov4SPECIES (1995)

Aliens send Earth a sample of their DNA with instructions for splicing it with human DNA, creating Sil, one of sci-fi’s hottest women to ever va-va-voom across the screen. Her alien instincts go into overdrive, however, and Sil escapes a U.S. government lab to bang as many Earth men as she can to birth a whole new race of beings that could take over the world. Only a rag tag team of scientists and action hero Michael Madsen can cock-block the alien hybrid’s plans and promote safe sex for humanity. Full of slick cinematography, memorable alien make-ups, likeable characters portrayed by an excellent ensemble of recognizable actors, this movie fires off like a gun from the get-go and keeps us enthralled to the very end. Lots of Natasha Henstringe naked, nipple tentacles, Forest Whitaker’s lazy eye, gooey cocoons, funniest jump scares from squirrels to ambush hobos, limb regeneration, rat deaths, Dr. Octopus sex scenes, flamethrowers, and some serious ’90s hair. 5/5! 

ymov6SPECIES 2 (1998)

The first astronaut to land on Mars is infected by the same alien DNA used to create Sil in the first Species, and hunts all the poontang he can to fuck humanity into extinction. Michael Madsen returns to cock block the alien baby boom and has to keep the space cowboy from hooking up with Sil’s clone, Eve, least they have super alien young’ns who could destroy the world! A good follow up to the original, this offers plenty of fast paced action, charming special effects, and Madsen is just a hoot to watch half-ass his way through this movie with laugh out loud lines. Body horror, exploding pregos, stock-piled young’ns, alien vs alien, alien on alien, tentacle porn, threesomes, CGI in space, Natasha Henstringe shows less hair and less boob, and Madsen wants some goddamn cereal! 4/5!

ymov7SPECIES 3 (2004)

Exchanging well-known actors and pricey government sets for college students and a basement, a university professor snatches Sara, Eve’s full bred alien baby from the last movie, and conducts his own species preserving experiments at his house. With the help of a college student, they must protect Sara from decaying half-breeds spawned in the last film who want to rape her with their tentacles. A descent switch up to keep the series fresh while pushing the overall story of the aliens forward, this is a little slower than the first 2 films and not quite as epic but does offer convincing characters and special effects alien action. Sexy chess, creepiest cocoon husks, awkward death scenes, dumbest disposal of bodies, tentacle guts, death by tongue, alien rapes, boobs, dead cats, instant books, the most elaborate alien web scam ever, and Natasha Henstringe dies in the first couple of minutes with her clothes on. 3/5!


From government labs to college campuses, the Species series heads south of the border into Mexico as 2 scientists try to save the life of Miranda, an alien DNA experiment who’s reached the end of her lifespan. Saving her life proves difficult, however, as her alien instincts make her deadly horny for mating and maiming while bitch slapping around other genetically enslaved aliens. The writers definitely expand on the Species universe with good ideas exploring how the alien DNA can be used to service mankind, but the storyline and acting was what left this mediocre at best. Tentacle nuns, cross crushing, alien cat fights, sloppy lab work, daddy daughter issues, and the first full alien on man grindin’ action we see in the whole series! 3/5!


A gang of freelance filmmakers get bored shootin’ behind the scenes footage for a scary movie bein’ made in an abandoned asylum and decide to wander the location’s haunted halls for supernatural action they ain’t prepared for instead. Incredibly low budget with very little action as far as spooks and ghosts are concerned, this found footage flick’s savin’ grace is its excellent castin’ of the core characters whose chemistry keeps me engaged to the doom and gloom end. Scooby-Doo hallway gags, pixelated shadows, ecto-doctors, softcore bangin’, eerie white noises, off camera deaths, boobs, dissected flings in the morgue, and starrin’ one of our favorite Full Moon hotties, Jessica Morris! 3/5! 

SPELL (2020)

It’s Misery with voodoo dolls as a storm sends an upper-class family’s plane crashin’ into mountain country where the dad awakens to find himself alone and at the mercy of a seemingly kind witch he suspects the worst of. Perfect cinematic fodder for film school know-it-alls to debate and dissect, this black horror flick really packs a captivatin’ wallop with its delicate mix of racial themes and artsy camera work while playin’ with the all too familiar horror tropes. Only criticism I have is the dad becomin’ a pro at boogedy magic in five minutes ‘fore he goes all Rambo ‘gainst his captors, which I think is somewhat explained by his tragic past that’s as breezed over as the witch’s sinister agenda he’s somehow perfect for. There’s ‘nough details hinted at to connect some dots in the story, however, I’d appreciate some clearer plot points. Plane crashes, busted feet, magic organ swappin’ with animals, goat eyed tattle tales, salt barriers, barn burnin’, boogedy dolls, voice stealin’, crooked cops, backwood cults, backstory basements, coffins full of corpses, cannibalism, severed hands, big ass nails driven up into heels, roof hoppin’ escapes, cursin’ birds, stabbin’s, airborne geezers, crash courses in magic, knock-out powder, ridiculous truths with bones, animal graveyards, and flooded lungs! 4/5!


It’s House on Haunted Hill meets Willy Wonka as a crossroads demon dishes out poetic punishments to mean spirited contestants stuck in a castle to win a rock’n roll show’s challenge for a million dollars. This is a fun film comprised of a despicable MTV generation cast, imaginative kills, wicked monsters, and a corny but catchy soundtrack. Only complaint I got is the lame fatal freefall death. Pig man transformations, monster dogs, dungeons of zombies, rock video stars, demonic VJs, peek-a-boobies, monstrous chairs, monstrous paintin’s, fatal freefalls, cock teases in the shower, electric traps, and livin’ suits of armor with boogers inside! 4/5! 

SPIDERS 3D (2013)

The government splices CGI spiders with alien DNA to weaponize their indestructible webbin’, but the experiment gets out of control when one of their secret space labs crash lands in a subway system and big-ass spiders start claimin’ their territory for their bigger-ass queen. The effects are pretty damn good, the cinematography is crisp, and the story is well developed, but what really hurts this creature feature are borin’ characters who just aren’t all that interestin’ or fun to watch. A better version to compare this to is Big Ass Spider! Government cover-ups, Russian scientists, virus scares, crushed baby sitters, army vs monster action, corpses full of spider eggs, spider bites, and spider swarms! 3/5! 


In this tongue in cheek homage to Halloween, a troubled chick joins a squad of stuck-up teeny boppin’ cheerleaders at a remote cheer camp to score some community service points and slowly wins their friendship when she becomes their best hope for survivin’ a masked slasher with a kitchen knife. This flick’s shot a little on the cheap with some awkward camera work and edits in the first 15 minutes, but it gets better the longer I hang with it. Convincin’ characters, punches of humor without bein’ dumb, mild gore, and boobs, the only things I’d change would be a more original look for the killer, cut back on the excessive mudhole footage a loaded mini-van surprisingly had no problem crossin’ (twice!), and ixnay all the Halloween references ’cause the film is good ‘nough without it. Cheerleadin’ boobs, suspicious groundskeepers, blow-up doll masks, fatty boyfriends, bridge-phobias, TNT explosions, human matchsticks, canoo deaths, stabbin’s, shoulder slashin’, peek-a-boo butt cheeks, panty sniffin’ sheriffs, escaped loonies, vibratin’ dildo action, creepy little sisters, redneck dads, and devil’s lettuce! 3/5!

SPIRITS (1990)

While pastor Erik Estrada’s guilt over an ol’ affair manifests in dirty fantasies with an oversexed Mother Mary, ‘cross town is a gang of paranormal investigators pokin’ ’round a dead Satanist’s infamous home with a violent booga-boo lookin’ to raise some hell before its haunt gets bulldozed. A solidly entertainin’ cheapie from the one and only schlockmeister Fred Olen Ray, this somewhat disjointed flick doesn’t offer anythin’ I haven’t seen before from its special effects to its haunted house scenario, but it does feature Scream Queens Brinke Stevens and Michelle Bauer as a possessed psychic and a sexually charged heretic which I’ll happily eat up any day! Succubus bangin’ between the sheets, nails hammered through hands, Exorcist wannabe possessions, disembodied helium voices reenactin’ young’n on young’n rape, haunted basements, Mother Mary nudity, demonic creatures, and cursed basement showdowns! 3/5!

zsplintSPLINTER (2008)

White trash criminals run for the border with hostages but get a monkey wrench thrown in their plans when they end up trapped in a rural gas station under attack by a infectious alien virus. The Thing meets Tremors, this underrated flick modestly delivers the action, gore, and monsters with an amazing cast of characters that are anything but cookie cutter horror clichés. Roadkill dogs, spikes galore, amateur amputations, decoy fireworks, frigid escape plans, recycled corpses, blood thirsty hands, and big bang suicides! 4/5!

zspltSPLIT (2016)

A guy with 23 split personalities kidnaps a group of girls and prepares them for bein’ teeny bopper meals to a new emergin’ personality, a monstrous creation called the Beast. I have to give credit to M. Night Shamalongadingdong for presentin’ some new ideas regardin’ split personality disorders I’ve never heard before, and a big praise to James McAvoy for takin’ on such a challengin’ role. He only plays 9 of the 24 personalities, but those 9 help solidify him as an outstandin’ actor. Even more impressive is how well Anya Taylor-Joy managed to not be overshadowed by James’ performance, provin’ herself to be a hall of fame breed of last girl in her growin’ list of horror credits. Only complaint is I didn’t exactly feel the tension in this film, and by the end, I wanted to see Anya defeat her abuser at home more than the nutjob keepin’ her trapped in a basement. Animal trivia, peepee pants, knock-out sprays, disembowelment, crushed seniors, CD jam sessions, dirty uncles, abusive mothers, shotgun blasts to the chest, ventilation escapes, no twist endin’s, Unbreakable nods, etc! 4/5!


A hodge podge group of office co-workers and rock’n roll teenagers crash an abandoned mansion to party but get caught up in a coffee-can talking sorcerer’s game of supernatural sacrifice for keeping his reluctant bride captive. Plenty of comical moments with a Party City’s worth of monsters, boogers, and critters running around, but the story was weak overall with the villain’s master scheme and we can’t relate to the perplexing group of friends. Seductive arachnid women, shriveling corpses, Ouija boards, hanging Halloween witch prop, fugly possessions, explosive grim reapers, boobs that move in all directions at once, farting corpses, instant burials, gift wrapped decapitations, Ghoulie knock-offs, young’ns buried alive, hookmen, and hordes of zombies. 3/5! 


A class of high schoolers begin to spontaneously combust over the course of their senior year for no good reason, and two oddballs decide to seize the day and love and live as much as they can ’til their explosive end comes. A lot like the mentality behind The Walking Dead not bein’ ’bout the zombies, this ain’t so much ’bout the how’s and why’s to kids turnin’ into human water balloons, but a heavy handed metaphor for millennial angst that’s hidden under just ‘nough charmin’ performances to make it all endearin’ ’til the narrator unloads alotta pent up emotions at the end that make me wanna roll my eyes. A good watch but barely qualifies as a horror flick. Blood baths galore, underage drinkin’, offscreen bangin’ ‘tween the sheets, birthday barn dancin’, Halloween costumes, jaw bone fragments to the face, graduation proms, picketers, car wrecks, E.T. nods, and pill poppin’ solutions! 4/5!


A gang of high schoolers play their own version of “assassin” with a horror twist and gotta keep from bein’ tagged out long ‘nough to guess who the secret killer is. Problem is, folks start dyin’ for real, and the remainin’ players gotta figure out what the hell’s goin’ on and what it’s got to do with their parents’ dark past. An overall top notch production, this is a pretty solid slasher flick with great camerawork, an Archie inspired cast of characters, and ‘nough red herrin’s to keep ya guessin’ whodunnit to the very end. A couple of cheesy moments every now and again, but no real sours to talk ’bout. Fatal stair falls, stabbin’s, slit wrists, in the tub, poisonin’, bee stings galore, swollen faces, staged suicides, library chases, home invasions, Fight Club rules, dead frog bookmarks, and cuttin’! 3/5!


The title sounds way dirtier than this Troma flick actually is, and it’s pretty misleadin’. There was never a Star Worms 1, the worms aren’t in space, and there’s pleasure pods (these poker chip things on people’s heads), but they don’t attack anyone. What this sci-fi cheapo’s really about is a futuristic group of roamin’ convicts stuck minin’ minerals on a prison planet, defendin’ themselves from other nomad gangs, sex hungry wardens, and these flesh burrowin’ whipcord size worms that are barely present. A good effort, the problem with this flick is it’s heavily focused on the convicts, but all the story and drama’s up in the spaceship with the secondary warden characters we don’t give two flyin’ fucks about! The prisoners are the ones we have a stronger connection with as viewers and are anxious to see them make some darin’ escape, but we’re unfortunately left with them keepin’ to their gold diggin’ duties and cliff note endin’s that must have been beyond this thing’s budget. Skinny worm props, furry e.t. critter hugs, spear chuckin’, space laser cannon with batteries not included, psychic pleasurin’ lesbos in space, boobs, and jump cut transportations! 2/5!

STATIC (2012)

A writer and his wife are celebratin’ his newest novel at their rural getaway when they’re suddenly invaded by masked strangers harmlessly corrallin’ them all over the place. This is one of them flicks that’s one big Tom and Jerry runaround but with a twist endin’ that frustratingly makes you question if that suddenly makes it a good movie or not. Nothin’ much to speak of that wouldn’t spoil the movie other than a bunch of people gettin’ whacked with a bat! 3/5! 

ystayawakeTHE STAY AWAKE (1988)

Catholic school girls have the lamest slumber party ever until the ghost of a serial killer comes after them as a foul smelling, Power Rangers lookin’ rat man with tentacles. Biggest mistake this movie made was passing up all the story potential with the girls to focus more on failing at building suspense most the movie with an offensive amount of pissing time of people wandering and ghosts slamming doors. Towels in the shower, spontaneous radio combustions, spontaneous phone combustions, aerobics, volleyball, heart ripping, men in monkey suits, decapitations, firehose strangling, ghost visions, collect calls from the other side, gas chamber executions, and possessions! 2/5!


Ex-cons turned movers are hustlin’ for a major payday to get an old man shipped outta his house by mornin’, but diggin’ through his stuff reveals he’s a Nazi fugitive from World War II with a few twisted experiments he’ll unleash to protect his secret. Top notch filmmakin’ all ’round, this is a well paced creature feature/slasher that hits all the right beats to keep it suspenseful and the right ‘mount of fun from beginnin’ to end. As engagin’ as the cast is, however, I don’t find any of the women’s performances all that convincin’ due to their lack of emotional depth which prevents their scenes from sellin’ the horror this sucker was dependent on for executin’ its most disturbin’ scenes. One of the best things watchin’ this flick is constantly guessin’ who’s gonna survive or not. Needles to the eyes, basement labs, tortured twin experiments, super mutant slaves, Neo Nazi backstories, truth tellin’ tats, flesh peelin’, gas chamber bathrooms, stabbin’s, resurrections, blood spittin’, head stompin’, and life restorin’ eye goo! 4/5! 


Hell has a new TV contract for couch potatoes, and it’s 666 channels of soul sucking entertainment! Sure, it’s more family comedy than horror, but this film’s packed with a butt-load of unforgettable horror spoofs, great special effects, well written characters, and John Ritter’s best performance since the Problem Child movies. 5/5!


Terry O’Quinn returns as the mentally unhinged family man who won’t let knives to the chest stop him from havin’ the family he always dreamed of slaughterin’. After escapin’ the mental institution, our favorite demented dad moves into a new neighborhood and is quick to move on a recently separated Meg Foster and her son across the street. New relationships don’t come without their challenges, however, as Meg’s snoopy friends and cheatin’ husband test the evil stepfather’s twisted charade all the way to the blood splattered altar. Not quite as good as the first Stepfather, but a great follow-up none the less. We get to see how the killer manipulates women into these doomed relationships, and Terry brilliantly brings the crazy as plans keep goin’ bad. Felt Meg Foster’s performance was a bit on the dull side but makes sense the killer would prey on that kind of woman for unholy matrimony. Anger management woodshops, stabbin’s, diorama deaths, strangulations, guards beaten to death with nightsticks, faces slashed with broken bottles, women’s support groups, bodies dumped in car crushers, U.S. Postal sleuthin’, strangulations, bloody weddin’s, and awkward sex scenes! 4/5!


Horror’s deadliest stepdad survives havin’ his chest carved open again, and again, he escapes the mental hospital to find the potentially perfect family needin’ a father figure. With a new face thanks to back alley surgery, he goes through the motions marryin’ a pretty gal with a crippled boy detective on wheels but goes into the expected psychotic spiral when things start fallin’ apart. The Stepfather series is very one note with every sequel bein’ the same story of deceit and manipulation, but it’s always a guilty pleasure to watch the killer frantically keep from gettin’ caught in his complex web of lies and murder. The filmmakers successfully build tension and suspense that keeps me engaged, and while Terry O’Quinn passed on reprising the killer again, the castin’ director gets mad props for hirin’ his replacement, Robert Wightman, who does an amazin’ impersonation. Not only does Robert have incredibly similar features to the original actor, but he mimics O’Quinn’s voice and performance to a criminal T! Only criticisms I’ve got are the lines bein’ delivered like I’m watchin’ a kids program, and how many awkward scenes with kids there are that make this feel like a borderline pedophile horror. Kills with a bone saw, throats slit, impalements, death by rakes, death by shovels, cyber sleuthin’, Easter egg hunts, awkward baby makin’, touchy feely priests, awkward tickle football, anger management with wood choppin’, murder & garden, double life affairs, facial surgeries without anesthesia, deluded exes, marriages at the drop of a hat, and fatal woodchippers! 3/5! 


A sexist community of robo sexuals are secretly replacin’ their sassy wives with Disney-bot duplicates for domestic bliss, but one braless ball buster gets wise to their Suzy Homemaker scheme. An obvious metaphor for the social struggle ‘tween the sexes and what’s expected of ’em on the home front, this semi-gaslightin’ flick is a fun watch that manages to keep me on my toes to the very end, but could have done a better job pacin’ the twists and tensions more effectively. It doesn’t offer any kinda Westworld special effects, and the plot’s a little convoluted when I think too hard ’bout it, but there’s plenty of discussion worthy scenes and heckle fodder. Stabbin’s, malfunctions, fender benders, sketchin’, voice recordin’, demolished tennis courts, men’s clubs, women’s clubs, creep commentary ’bout women in the kitchen, braless boobs on public display, and full frontal night gown nudity, and offscreen strangulation! 4/5!


Nicole Kidman and fam move to Stepford for a fresh start after her TV career tanks, but when her superiority complex continues to irk her weenie of a husband, he looks for fast track solutions to his marital problems with the robo wife swappin’ program offered by the town’s Men’s Association. Despite all the rocky drama this flick suffered from behind the scenes, it’s a decent entry in the Stepford series and can be accepted as either a reboot or a sequel given fans use just ‘nough imagination to fill the gaps ‘tween the movies as usual. It keeps the original concept of switcharoo spouses, mixes in details from each previous film, and keeps things from feelin’ too familiar with new kinds of scenarios and strained relationships. The only sour that burns my bacon is the confusin’ process for how the wives are turned into cyborgs which only makes a little more sense thanks to deleted scenes on the DVD. Combinin’ the robot angle with the brainwashin’ schemes from past storylines, the women are supposed to be havin’ their microchipped brains dumped into Inspector Gadget bodies. That said, why aren’t the liberated wives at the end goin’ more nuts over their husbands turnin’ ’em into walkin’ ATM sex slaves, and how does Nicole and her hubbie trick Stepford’s head honcho if they’re the brain surgeon responsible for the brain swap?! Attempted assassinations, women killin’ agendas, malfunctionin’ dosey does, square dancin’, cash spittin’ trophy wives, remote controlled boobs, CGI robo-dogs, head bustin’ twists, weird political subplots, toasty hands, confusin’ robo-reversals, attempted stabbin’s, Stepford balls, and robot labs! 3/5!




I Dream of Jeannie is the newest mom in Stepford and quickly finds herself at ends with her husband who’s teamed up with other disgruntled dads lookin’ to replace their teenage dirt ridin’ punks with the same well mannered robots they switch their wives out for. My favorite ‘mong Stepford’s TV sequels, this ’80s Body Snatcher wannabe with teens brilliantly expands the Stepford universe with a look at the kids’ perspective on all these doppelganger shenanigans which helps keep its tired formula fresh. And while I’m thrilled brainwashed loved ones are dumped in favor of robot doubles ‘gain, it only makes things more confusin’. Domestic robo wives can be with their masters forever and always without raisin’ too much suspicion, but what the hell’s the long term plan for robot teens?! Motorcycle wrecks, terrible spastic dancin’, hijacked dances, abductions on the water, explodin’ labs, bike stunts, attempted assassinations, malfunctionin’ robots, paparazzi in trainin’, skinless robots, and lotta angry dads! 4/5!


I guess the women of Stepford took advantage of the Men’s Association bein’ blown up the last TV movie, ’cause now the tables are flipped, and the new wife in town’s gotta fight to keep her schlep of a hubbie from bein’ brainwashed into her perfect companion by a clinic of righteous women preservin’ their community standards. I’m impressed how the Stepford series once ‘gain manages to straddle that fine line ‘twee keepin’ things the same while makin’ it different ‘nough to keep it fresh and interestin’. I find myself rootin’ for different sides of the couple’s rocky relationship, and Superman II‘s Sarah Douglas plays the newest scientist behind the deceptive scenes. The only sours for me is the lame endin’ and the series’ return to brainwashed lovers over robot doubles. Punch-drunk roofies, basketball antics galore, pill poppin’ galore, violent withdrawals, secret spring action liquor stations, fellas hooked up to machines by their belly button, domestic watchdogs, and needles to the arm! 3/5!

xstitSTITCHES (2012)

If Sam Raimi and Tim Burton worked together on a killer clown flick, this Irish horror would be it! After accidentally dying at a young kid’s birthday party, Stitches the clown returns from the grave 6 years later to complete his performance with some new deadly gags as the kids reunite for a high school house party. I cannot begin to describe how awesome this movie is! It’s kinetic, beautifully shot, has a memorable cast of characters, unforgettable kills, gore, new ideas I haven’t seen before, and lots of laugh out loud moments! Exploding heads, scooped brains, umbrella deaths, eye gouging, go-go gadget arms, victim seeking nose, ventriloquist corpses, peeping tree house toms, clown funerals, clown sex, eye eating, clown crypt, tricycle chases, eternal eggs, speeding clown cars, and decapitations! 5/5!


While visitin’ his girfriend’s family for a Carolina Thanksgivin’, a Yankee hipster’s taken on his first huntin’ trip for Big Foot by rednecks from his southern belle’s past he wishes would stop eye rappin’ her. First off, don’t think this is some Turkey Day horror you can double bill with Thankskilling, ’cause Thanksgivin’ flies by in the blink of an eye with the majority of the movie happenin’ the day after. Despite this hiccup, the cinematography’s pretty to look at, the characters keep you entertained to the end, and Big Foot does finally break up all the indie drama in the last reel. Girl nabbin’ Big Foot creatures and fatal Big Foot beatin’s! 3/5! 

STORAGE 24 (2012)

A lovers’ spat gets stuck in a storage facility’s lockdown after a military plane crashes next door, and things go from bad to worse when they discover an unfriendly e.t.’s trapped with ’em. Well made all ’round, my only gripe with this European horror is that it takes itself a little too seriously and never escalates in any interestin’ ways. Full of talented camerawork and actin’, the highlight of this whole shebang is the CGI booger from space who’s so effectively creepy at times, even I rear back in my seat! Face slashin’, mad squatters, heart rippin’ fatalities, head squashin’, hoes ‘fore bros, ceilin’ ambushes, mannequin hidey holes, wind-up firework dogs, explosions, e.t. invasions, impalement, face eatin’, air vent chases, hand bitin’, car crushin’, and folks ripped in half! 3/5! 


Things get tight and slimy when a claymation vagina with tentacles hunts an expedition of yahoos explorin’ an abandoned goldmine. This obscure ’80s gem starts off like a potential stinker, but after a few minutes, I get pretty attached to the quirky gang of underground explorers whose rapport somehow even manages to overcome long winded scenes. The monster’s a nostalgic sweet for pre-CGI effects and edited into the movie just enough to keep it from lookin’ flat out ridiculous. Monsterous maulin’s, human meals, lores of Indian gods, beach slumber parties, questionable miners, Australian roughnecks, self-narratin’ writers, foamin’ mouths, cave explorin’, skeletal remains, loogie covered left overs, gold fever, stabbin’s, minin’ sabotage, and explosions! 3/5! 


Liv Tyler and Scott Speedman are tryin’ to act out an emo drama about relationships, but they’re visited by three masked creepers who taunt them with Tom and Jerry antics the entire movie until an anti-climatic endin’. This slasher flick might have been ruined for me, ’cause it was hyped up so much before I saw it, but as well shot as it is with masterfully orchestrated suspense and WWYD scenes, not a whole lot happens that’s memorable. To make this more interestin’, I would have at least made Liv more of a last girl and given her the upperhand to fight back a couple of times. Obnoxious knockin’, cockblockin’, stabbin’s, shotguns to the face, vandalized rides, demolition driveways, and sneaky slashers! 3/5!


The mysterious masked killers from the first Strangers return and continue their random murder spree spookin’ and slashin’ a ramblin’ family spendin’ the night in a trailer park. Compared to the first movie, the music in this one is more ’80s pop than hipster, the killers are just as anonymous as ever, there’s a higher body count, and we actually have a last girl who fights back. Definitely a step up from the first one, but not without its flaws like most the family seemin’ a little too willin’ to give up and die without so much as a curse word whenever they’re cornered. Throat slicin’, explosions, demolition derby, axe wieldin’ killers, fatal pool duels, fireballs on wheels, Texas Chainsaw Massacre endin’s, stabbin’s, drive-thru homes, car wrecks, and no dogs are harmed! 3/5!  

STRAYS (1991)

A family moves into their boonies dream home and are welcomed to the sticks by a pack of feral cats lookin’ to pounce folks to death for a place to squat. This TV movie may not be anythin’ fancy, but its script is pretty damn impressive for how thoughtful it is and is perfectly executed by a talented ensemble of actors I’m rootin’ to survive the feline fatales. The only sour for me is the lack of deaths and how uncreative the few we get are. Cats in the vents, head knockin’, car wrecks, injured doggies, inappropriate signs of affection, kittens, dead rats, jumpin’ rats, self-righteous veterinarians, cat-o-vision, fatal freefalls, cat ladies mauled by their fur babies, cat piles, feline piss parties, doggie door escapes, water pistol defenses, indoor waterfalls, flea bag electrocutions, and only one dead pussy cat! 3/5! 


The title grabs your attention, but simply hypes up a fleetin’ second of the flick when someone contemplates shovin’ Stephanie in an incinerator. The movie’s really about eccentric rich folk spendin’ a weekend gettin’ their rocks off with games of murderous roleplay. Overall, I have a love/hate reaction to this surprisin’ piece of Troma acquired property. I love how the movie keeps you on your toes, makin’ you question everythin’ you think is going on about every 20-30 minutes, but feel fuckin’ cheated by the last reel when everythin’s revealed to be an elaborate game of pretend with a mulligan endin’. Would have been a far better story if we really had the jealous “husband” out to kill his “wife” and her accomplice at the end. 3/5!


Angus Scrimm wears a silly wig and suckles the world’s biggest blood pop as Prejnar’s king vamp until his raspy voice son, Radu, returns home from banishment and kills him with the help of blood monsters grown from his broken fingers. Wastin’ no time, Radu raids his pop’s blood cabinet for his cherished Bloodstone, a relic filled with rich addictive blood that gives him the munchies for college girls tourin’ his Euro-hick town. Unfortunate for Radu, however, his more noble brother already called dibs on one of his bride-to-be college gals and fights for his love and pop’s throne. While the story is a little all too familiar among vampire flicks with bloodsuckers practicin’ politics and polygamy in dark castles, this movie does offer some new things you haven’t seen before with its impressive special effects. The actin’s fairly good, the foreign scenery is thoughtful, and the girls are hot. Impalin’, easy snap fingers, instant stop-motion critters, decapitations, stakes in the chest, blood spray, heads on sticks, village festivals, vamp brides, dungeon boobs, blood drool galore, daddy drama, and vamps simply drop dead when you slay ’em! 4/5! 


Radu’s blood minions reattach his head, and he’s quick to slay his nappin’ goody two shoes brother while the last girl from the first flick runs away with the Bloodstone as a newborn vamp Radu’s fallen in love with. Desperate for help, her sister flies in and works with reps from the US Embassy and the historical society to chase her down and save her from Radu and his rotten witch of a “Mommy.” While Subspecies is a story steeped in stereotypical vampire lore, this sequel offers a bit more originality with a more modern settin’ as we trade in the woodsy fairy tale settin’ for city clubs and crypts. The characters are entertainin’ enough, but they’re definitely upstaged by the special effects that really make this film memorable. That said, however, not a lot of new tricks in the effects bag since the last flick, save Radu’s mommy who’s screen presence is unforgettable! Blood born critters, full frontal cryin’ in the shower, blood drool galore, crypt witches, mommy issues, lickin’ bloody knives, blood sprays, stakin’, extra crispy vamps, glass coffins, women accidentally put in body bags, cool special effects of vamps rattachin’ their heads, crypt chases, head to toe fires, eye gougin’, and enchanted daggers! 4/5!


Pickin’ right up where Subspecies 2 left off, the last girl from the first part is still a captive blood bride of Radu who’s brought back by his witch of a mother, and the last girl’s sister is still tryin’ to rescue her with the help of an agent from the US Embassy and a policeman embarrassed to be huntin’ vamps. Nothin’ new and excitin’ enough to excuse this lackluster sequel for bein’ made, it’s a pretty weak plot that lazily wraps up the events from the last installment, avoidin’ blatant opportunities for explorin’ Radu’s character more deeply for a richer story. Bloodsuckin’, women in cages, shadow puppets, face stabbin’s, flyin’ knives, castle invasions, antique thefts, pointless shirt rippin’ with boobs, decapitations, mommy/son fights, witches roastin’ on an open fire, vamps turned to Swiss cheese with silver bullets, sneaky suns, airborne knives to the head, fatal freefalls, impalin’s, blood born critters, vamps stuck in trees, lickin’ blood off knives, and head to toe fires! 3/5!


Survivin’ the end of the last flick like a kite falling out of a tree,  the blood droolin’ Radu recovers the Bloodstone for a full recovery and continues chasing after his newest vamp bride who’s been on the run since part two. This time, Radu’s “pretty one” hides in a shady hospital where a brilliant bloodsuckin’ doctor will share his secrets for sunblock and blood donors but will betray her in a second for the secrets of Radu’s Bloodstone. This lackluster sequel is wonderfully shot with more than enough characters to give us a rich story, but completely falls flat. The thin plot is too similar to the last 2 flicks, the kills leave a lot to be desired, and there’s just too many missed opportunities for a more compellin’ story focusin’ on Radu. His bride needs to be less wishy washy with her loyalty to him, the filmmakers horribly botch chances to explore Radu’s past more with the introduction of his slow talkin’ business manager, and his goal in this movie should be gettin’ the doctor’s secrets for becomin’ a more powerful vampire. Topless bloodsuckin’, decapitations, travelin’ by shadows, stakes through the chest, bright lights, toasty vamps, vampire double crosses, crypt showdowns, throat slittin’, nipple bitin’, roofies, deceptive femme fatales, and heads roastin’ on spikes! 3/5!


In this quirky flick doin’ its best to be more of a Wes Anderson comedy than a horror, an unemployed medium and his barmaid sidekick team-up to appease upset spirits whose unmarked graves are disturbed in his parents’ yard. Well shot with humorous dry wit characters that includes Ray Wise playin’ a disapprovin’ father who gets his boner broken by a ghost, this is an alright movie with a moment or two of impressive effects but really downplays the supernatural elements which leaves it feelin’ like it doesn’t know what kind of film it wants to be. Ghost young’ns, John Waters wantin’ blowjobs, explodin’ ghost jizz, bad CGI ghost clouds, séances, ghost cosplay, supernatural burials, and Jeffrey Combs plays another pissed doctor! 3/5! 


The feel scared abortion flick of the year, this creature feature is about a flushed fetus swimmin’ in toxic sewer waste and mutatin’ into an unbelievably powerful booger beast with an axe to grind against the whore house clinic that separated him from his teenage mama. While most critics like to bash on this low-budget film, it’s really not that bad. While the actin’ leaves a lot to be desired, the story’s weird and unique, the music ain’t half bad, and the camerawork is very lively. The monster itself rides a fine line between good and bad, however, ’cause it looks cool as hell for a practical effect, but its powers are a little too unbelievable from it travelin’ through the pipes to trappin’ everyone inside the whorehouse with what I’m guessin’ is a placenta forcefield?! Must be seen to disbelieve, Scream Freaks. Bloody nurse boobs, two jumpscare dreams in a row, BDSM with whips and dildos, rubber room rapes, random toxic waste barrels, decapitations by toilets, Claymation hands, electrocutions, stabbin’s, slut suicides, roofie abortions, gunshots to the head, umbilical cord weapons, gory last minute meltdowns, and an anti-abortion twist endin’ you won’t see comin’! 3/5! 


In this long-winded short of a holiday horror, a fella thinks the skeletal remains of a cursed sugarplum fairy with more exposition than ya can wave a candy cane at makes for the perfect stockin’ stuffer, but a drop of blood turns the trinket shop oddity into a flyin’, blood-suckin’ threat lookin’ to possess his gang of friends ‘less a viking Santa rescues ’em ‘fore sunrise. While this flick’s shot on a shoestring budget with some pretty awful actin’ and pieced together with jarrin’ jump cuts, a lot can be forgiven for the filmmakers’ refreshin’ stab at makin’ a horror out of such an obscure Christmas creature. The biggest sour that majorly lost it points for me, however, is all the confusin’ back and forth ‘tween the main cast and seemingly unrelated yahoos shown in sugarplum fairy flashbacks. Toothless clerks, wince-worthy ad-libs, possessions, off camera maulin’s, big-ass goth fairies, crudely doodled fairy tales ’bout Santa’s epic war with Krampus, mulligan endin’s, and beers with viking Santa! 2/5! 


When a little boy says summer camp director Chuck Connors molest him on a butterfly hunt, one teenage counselor locks Chuck and his hardcore rules up at gunpoint and declares martial fun for all the kids before they call the authorities. The party that never ends, however, and the same teen counselor quickly turns everyone’s summer vacation into Camp Lord of the Flies. Decent flick for passin’ a slow afternoon, but nothin’ to celebrate. The biggest problem with this film is its villain, the teen counselor. He’s not presented as bein’ mentally or emotionally disturbed to explain his drastic decisions, nor is he a fun seekin’ kid simply panickin’ after a horrible incident spirals things into a worse scenario. He’s just this average guy with a wooden personality and ambiguous motivations that leaves me questionin’ if he’s doin’ all this for the right reasons, or because he’s a little psycho who always dreamed of manipulatin’ others. Drown or swim lessons, butterfly fandom, meditation lock-ups, revoked TV privileges, rope bridge dares, medieval/witchcraft trials, attempted rape, rockin’ talent shows, hung rapists, stabbin’s, near fatal freefalls, suitcase computers, and one Friday the 13th Part 6 vet! 2/5!

SUMMER OF ’84 (2018)

The kiddie version of Rear Window, a paperboy sees his neighborhood cop with a young’n in his house who goes missin’ afterward and suspects the lawman is the serial killer makin’ headlines in his deliveries. Roundin’ up his friends for a game of Hardy Boys, of course they prove the fella’s a psycho or else critics would hate the movie. More thriller than horror, the most annoyin’ thing ’bout watchin’ this flick is knowin’ the neighbor is a young’n huntin’ nut but havin’ to wait for the characters to follow his half-ass covered murder trail to figure out what we already know. I don’t think things get interestin’ ’til the killer’s busted and stalks the paperboy, but this is at the end and doesn’t last long enough with any satisfyin’ wrap-up. Kidnapped young’ns, throat slittin’, walkie talkie tension, DJ blondes, basement dungeons, wall of braggin’ rights, peepin’ toms, stabbin’s, killers in the house, tubs of dissolvin’ teens, Tom and Jerry in the woods, body pits, and annoyingly dismissive parents! 3/5!


The ghost of a 19th century slave girl lamely haunts a law student in Sugar Land, Texas, and it’s to either solve a double homicide case that’s gone cold or blow the whistle on the descendants of her slave owners for developin’ properties on unmarked graves. Whatever it is, it don’t matter, ’cause after all the character build-up, loosey goosey expositions, and lack of tension, the inherent bad guys kill everyone in one of the most disappointin’ endin’s I’ve seen in awhile. Spoiler? You’re welcome! Spectral kidnappin’s that don’t make a lick of sense, backyard bones, backstory groundskeepers, assassinations, home wreckin’ spooks, and man-ish lookin’ she-shadows! 2/5!

THE SUPER (2017)

A single dad moves his family into an apartment buildin’s basement as its newest super but starts second guessin’ his career move as tenants are mysteriously attacked and thinks a creepy chantin’ Val Kilmer’s to blame. For a supernatural mystery that looks great and certainly keeps me guessin’ what the big bad is ‘til the surprisin’ end, this is surprisingly blah as far as entertainment is concerned. Only real sour is some noticeable ADR edits when folks’ lips are barely movin’. Gouged eyes, pencil stabbin’, handicap deaths, ghostly yankin’, rings of hoodoo fire, bodies stuffed in the furnace, and evil dead girls! 3/5!


When a church moves an alky pastor and his fam into a busted ol’ house, they disturb a witch’s watery grave in the nearby pond, and she’s got a centuries ol’ score to settle with holy rollers for executin’ her. A bit of a drag, this Amityville wannabe has well paced pops of tame gore with an abundance of silly character motivations for hecklin’ fodder, but the filmmakers can’t decide whose story they’re tellin’, so I’m left feelin’ pretty indifferent ’bout what’s happenin’. Severed hands, drownin’s, witch hunts, basement hidey holes, explodin’ mirrors, shrapnel deaths, holy cross defenses, pranksters cut in half by closin’ windows, persistent policemen,  red herrin’s, ghost young’ns, flyin’ table saws to the chest, botched blessin’s, hangin’s, church burnin’s, brutal beatin’s, flamin’ ponds, and stakes through the brain basket! 3/5!


Tied to Superstition in title only, some yahoo siblin’s inherit a shithole of a farm house in bumfuck nowhere and convince their friends to help fix it up, but renovations come to a halt when the vengeful ghost of an executed witch from the 1930s possesses and seduces ’em to bitter deaths. About as borderline entertainin’ as the first one, the editin’s a bit choppy, and the witch’s plot doesn’t make the most sense, but the buttload of victims this sucker packs in manage to be pretty fun to watch. Non-graphic blowjobs, meat cleavers to the shoulders, feedin’ anf gainin’, fatal freefalls through walls, folks flung through windshields, witch burnin’, secret hidey holes, chainsaw kills in the pool, head bashin’, holy rumbles, flyin’ firey crosses, explodin’ windows, explodin’ witches, explodin’ young’ns, young’n deaths with tractors, jumpin’ young’n suicides, possessions galore, geezer priests to the rescue, and stabbin’s galore! 3/5!


An American ballerina finds out her teachers are all witches at a German dance academy, and they’ll kill anyone threatenin’ to expose their evil existence. This horror classic is best known for its score by Goblin, its artsy fartsy lit sets, and a few memorable kills with bright red paint. If you look past that, we barely know anything about the last girl, there’s a long-winded scene of tag-teamin’ exposition I feel comes in too late, and I’m not entirely clear on what the witches’ endgame is other than killin’ folks who cross them. Fatal freefalls, hangin’s, freefalls into razorwire, stabbin’s, possessions, re-animated corpeses, needles in eyes, throat rippin’, unharmed dogs harmin’ folks, secret passages, academic roofies, healin’ via waterboardin’, nose whistlin’ hags, invisible witches, and knives through the neck! 3/5!  


In this mind numbin’ flick where two actors NEVER occupy the same shot at the same time, a gal calls a classmate to help look for their missin’ college professor in the woods, and they’re boringly killed by a lazy ghillie suit “monster” summoned by a fella playin’ peek-a-boo in the trees. Rinse and repeat this exact action with five more students on their way with a bunch of great outdoors b-roll for paddin’, and ya have ‘nother bafflin’ example of director David Decoteau’s unrivaled skill for pumpin’ out a quick tolerance testin’ feature with the most minimum resources. Prepare to do a lot of fast-forwardin’ to maintain yer sanity! Shirtless hikers, shit actin’, confusin’ edits, sticks, off camera deaths, unmotivated sneakin’, looong scenes in an attic for no reason, Felissa Rose voice-overs, and weaponized IMAX abs! 1/5! 


When Alec Holland’s lab in the bayou is blown-up by a Bond villain named Arcane wantin’ his regenerative formula for eternal youth, the poor scientist’s transformed into a monstrous moss covered wet suit and uses his curse to save a Weird Al impersonatin’ government agent from Arcane and his army of Last House on the Left rapists. A flick unlike anythin’ else in director Wes Craven’s filmography, this big screen adaptation of the popular DC comic is more of less true to the tragic hero’s roots and keeps things movin’ at a great pace with a handful of sweet scenes. Only sours for me is the bland design of Swamp Thing’s costume and the bleak moodiness that hangs over most the movie. Explosions, air boat stunts, head crushin’, topless bathin’, Mission Impossible masks, snake bites to the face, dinner party transformations, sword swingin’ cocoon monsters, super resurrections, severed limbs, regenerative anatomy, mutant midgets, monsters vs cars, monster brawls, and science lab massacres! 3/5! 


Arcane’s crack team of egg heads manage to bring him back to life and look less like a wooly pig man, but he needs his step-daughter for a fatal experiment to make it permanent. Unfortunately for him, her new boyfriend’s Swamp Thing, and the muck man won’t let his newest squeeze go without a fight. While this sequel’s campier than some fans of the character might prefer, this is my personal favorite ’cause it has a lot more monsters and comic bookish scenarios I wanted to see in the original. Only sour might be the lame ass monster Swampy trades punches with at the end, but still fun to watch. Leech men, zoo of deformed mutants, Star Trek lookin’ nerd beasts, zapped bug-men, vicious goober fish, mad science labs, turn-on scars, explosions, chainsaws, tranq guns, janitors turned goons, homicidal rednecks, moonshine brawls, trailer park brawls, swamp brawls, lab brawls, Playmate wannabes, tubs of green goo, plants growin’ out of feet, super resurrections, jeep chases, comic relief young’ns, nudie mag stashes, naked neckin’ fantasies, sabotaged experiments, and gun shots to the chest! 5/5! 


Folks flyin’ to the states from South America get majorly grossed out when a fellow passenger bursts open with genetically enhanced bullet ants, and it’s up to the air marshal and an emotionally dead milf to save the day with fire extinguishers. The biggest thin’ I find wrong with this TV movie (other than it’s by the Ruin My Lifetime Network) is everyone havin’ vastly different reactions to the threat of the ants. The passengers loose their shit anytime they see a creepy crawly, the heroes practically stand on top of ground zero for all the bug activity without a lick of concern, and air officials on the ground are like, “You got folks droppin’ dead from ants on the plane? Grab a jar of peanut butter and keep to your flight schedule.” Most bafflin’ scene is when bystanders shove a swarmed passenger back in the restroom to die after they just saved the pilot from a similar attack. Ants crawlin’ out of every hole in a person’s head, chest burstin’ ants, explodin’ planes, flare gun attacks, disruptive drunks, ambush ants, baby sacrificin’ strategies, and a dog you never see ’til the very end who the heroes adopt without stoppin’ to ask whose it is! 3/5!

ysixteenSWEET SIXTEEN (1983)

As a new bad girl in town comes closer to being sweet 16, her mom snaps from repressed memories of being rapped on her 16th birthday and starts slashing any guy who even winks at her daughter. A really well made film with entertaining cinematography, strong cast, and writing reminiscent of an episode of Longmire, the only frustration I have is how it teases at being a supernatural horror with Native American hoodoo here and there but ultimately ends as a nutso slasher with a dark past. Stabbings, family of sleuths, attempted rapes, skinny dippings, shower scenes, redskin herrings, hate crimes, Native Americans burial grounds, and small town sheriffs playing hard to get with fun flirty blondes. 4/5!


A meek ’80s gal is supposed to be takin’ care of her agoraphobic aunt but spends most the movie buildin’ up to scissorin’ with a bad influence from town which doesn’t end well for the grumpy relative and throws the whole movie into a last second mind fuck I ain’t ashamed to admit is over my head. I was suckered into watchin’ this homage to ’80s suspense flicks, and while it is pretty to look at and boasts strong actors with an interestin’ enough mystery, there just ain’t enough horror in it to fill a Goosebumps episode much less a satisfyin’ punch line! Hairpin clues, croakin’ elders, scary locked doors, girl on girl action with no boobs, spooky dolls with nothin’ to add to the story, and what I think is a ghost girl with some questionable possessions? 2/5!

TwitterFacebook Youtube
%d bloggers like this: