My boyfriend and I had sex for the first time and now he won't talk to me.

relationship_advice Original
ThrowRA-boyfhelp 1846 2021-04-15 15:02:02

My boyfriend (24M) and I (24F) have been together for about three years. When we started dating, he made it clear he didn't want to have sex until he felt we had a real commitment to each other. I thought that was really nice because I had been pretty overly-sexed when I was younger due to abuse and the pressure from boyfriends as a teen.

We sleep in the same bed and have done some things but no below belt business until last week. It was his birthday so I bought him a cake and we were watching a movie. He intiated it by kissing me and he was being fairly agressive, which I liked but was different. So I stopped him and asked where this was heading. He told me he wanted to do it and I doubled checked and he said yes. So we did it.

It was a bit clumsy but fun and great in my opinon. I left for work the next morning and texted him I loved him. He didn't respond that whole day so I assumed he was busy. When I got home, he wasn't very responsive and hasn't been very responsive to me for the past days. He's not being mean but it feels like I'm living with a stranger. He doesn't cuddle me before we sleep anymore and he spends a lot of time in his office.

I've tried asking if he wants to talk about it but he says there is nothing to talk about. I feel like I'm missing something big. I don't want to push him in case it's sensitive but I don't like this at all.

I could really use some help on what to do here.

sarasa3 1563 1h46m

It sounds like he has very serious, deep seated issues with sex that he was maybe masking by saying he wanted to wait for a commitment, when in reality he was just trying to put off dealing with some things.

Give him space but a serious talk is in order because there's something else going on here.

vox1028 4h11m

yeah this is serious for sure. OP, it's likely not your fault or due to anything you did during sex (it could be, but i don't think so), it sounds like your bf has some issues with sex that he has never dealt with properly. sarasa3 is right on the mark by saying he was putting off sex to avoid his issues. my best guesses are trauma or perhaps sexuality issues, it could also be possible that he's having trouble dealing with the idea of your sexual trauma, but it could be any number of things.

don't beat yourself up about this and understand that your bf needs help. give him a few days without mentioning it to see if he either improves or opens up on his own, but if he doesnt then you should gently bring it up again. reassure him that you love him, that you trust him completely and that you're worried there's something bothering him. tell him you would never judge him and that you just want to help. hopefully you are able to get through to him. good luck

dataslinger 4h32m

my best guesses are trauma or perhaps sexuality issues


bwithkaran25 4h8m

Said rightly. I too was thinking the same thing. Giving space is a better option to him right now. Maybe something is going inside his mind and he doesn't wanna share right now.

jenga_be_groovin 4h4m

this 100%. It could mean a lot of things, maybe OP's bf should try therapy to see if it helps

PoliteCanadian2 4h1m

Agree there has to be something going on here. Waiting to have sex is fine but waiting 3 years is not normal and then to react like this afterwards sets of lots of red flags for me.

Alternative-Milkrian 4h3m

“Red flags” what? Wtf did he do bloody cheat or something

Amillionpancakes 4h12m

Red flag dosent always have to mean someone did something wrong. I view a red flag as something that could potentially be detrimental later. I.e undisclosed mental illness, undisclosed past abuse that effects the way someone works, sometimes even someone that is working through their issues could have red flags.It dosent mean the person is horrible just that maybe it’s not something that another person who is looking at a relationship with that person is ready or equipped to deal with? I hope that all makes sense, it’s hard for me to put my thoughts into words lol

trashbabydva 4h8m

Refusing to communicate with your partner is always a red flag, whether it’s a malicious one or not.

Alternative-Milkrian 4h11m

Giving it time however isn’t a problem. It’s one day, if I’m angry one day out of the thousands we’ve been together, and I don’t want to talk cause I’m not in the mood too. That is not a red flag, for all we know he could have been sexually abused and he’s not ready to talk about it yet. And that’s ok, there’s no reason to rush things. U lost act like idiots just assuming everything. And on top of that “those kinds of red flags” listen here honey. U know EXACTLY what red flags they were talking about, the bad kind.

Shavasara 4h8m

It sounds like he might have issues with his sexuality, whether it be orientation or maybe a history of trauma linked to sex. Those kinds of red flags.

Quantum_Aurora 4h13m

History of trauma is a red flag? Ok then...

Shavasara 4h21m

Sure, it's not a completely proper reddit-use of the term. His behavior is indeed a warning sign that there needs to be therapy/serious conversation, and that status quo is not sustainable.

Alternative-Milkrian 4h13m

Yes but she meant bad red flags, not those they 199% meant soemrhinf bad like cheating.

OldManHipsAt30 4h7m

I mean it’s not super normal to ignore your partner after having sex the first time.

Casual partners, sure.

SquidChamp 4h10m

Doesn’t make it a fucking red flag.

OldManHipsAt30 4h11m

Communication is a vital part of any relationship ship and refusing to do so after a momentous occasion is definitely a red flag.

PeacanAndCashew 4h12m

But...it's not a red flag. As mentioned in the comments he might have difficulty talking or is embarrassed. Not everything is a red flag lmfao

OldManHipsAt30 4h15m

It’s definitely a red flag, but not every red flag warrants a reaction or response.

SquidChamp 4h13m

It’s been a day...there’s obviously something he is trying to figure out. Still not a red flag. Just an issue he is having

OldManHipsAt30 4h14m

It’s easy to say “I’m not ready to talk about this right now” or “I need space” but the guy didn’t even say that much

SquidChamp 4h19m

Jesus Christ. Not handling in the best way doesn’t make it a red flag. He isn’t being abusive, screaming, throwing a tantrum, and obviously he is just going through some shit. Are you the most calm cool collected person when dealing with deeply engrained issues? OP obviously isn’t angry or upset, just confused and scared. Red flags are meant for dangerous situation, stop over using buzz words. It makes them useless. Communication is important but it’s been 1 DAY. Making a hasty decision to talk about something obviously important is not smart in the slightest. Not handled the best most perfect way? Yes. Definitely. Red flag? No

Alternative-Milkrian 4h22m


framspl33n 4h14m

Maybe a white flag imho

Alternative-Milkrian 4h12m

Yeh it’s not super normal, but it’s been one day. Maybe he is scared. It’s one day he didn’t block her then disappear did he. It’s a cause for a concern but not a fucking red flag wtf

SamNash 4h21m

Maybe not for you! But for many, this is a red flag b/c not only did he want abstinence for three years, he initiated sex and is now being dodgy and refusing to communicate about it.

tadow96 4h5m

Must be new to this sub. Drinking water and breathing in oxygen are red flags here my friend.

GordonGartrelle2020 4h8m

I thought distilled water was okay?

Disastrous_Reality_4 4h25m

You thought that was okay?! Seriously?!?! RED FLAG!!


Sorry, couldn’t help myself lol

Alternative-Milkrian 4h6m

Damn look at the downvotes😂😂😂

middke 4h12m

Guys.. I think what they mean by that these are signs of some serious issues that may not be able to to be worked out. Three years is a LONG time to firmly decide to wait, then suddenly change your mind and even be somewhat aggressive about it, and then to ignore your partner after with 0 communication? Not necessarily great signs of a healthy and lasting relationship without change.

DoctorStrawberries 4h11m

Dont worry about it I get tons of downvotes on xbox subreddits when I accidentally mention I also have a playstation. Redditors are sensitive and downvote minor things

Disastrous_Reality_4 4h26m

Having a PlayStation is a red flag...🚩🚩🚩

call_me_mistress99 4h34m

Or he is gay.

ChosenSCIM 905 1h36m

Considering that he is a virgin as you said in one of the comments it could be that sex wasn't as he expected and something is bothering him about it. It could also be that he has been sexually assaulted in the past and this brought some things up for him. Another possibility is that he could be gay, has tried to represses these thoughts and having sex with a woman has brought out all these thoughts again. Or it can be any number of other things.

Either way you are going to have to talk to him about this and figure out why he is acting so cold towards you all of a sudden.

anberia 284 1h55m

Couldn’t he just be overwhelmed or feeling inadequate?

ChosenSCIM 236 2h1m

Yeah. I'm not saying that these are the only possibilities that I have listed. My point is that it could be any number of things and the only way OP is going to figure anything out is by having a discussion.

literally_tho_tbh 66 2h40m

You made a lot of really good and valid points though. Spot on.

loverofpears 57 3h29m

^ I’ma second this one especially if OP’s boyfriend grew up religious. I feel like people really underestimate how strong religious guilt can be

Even if he weren’t religious, I’ve noticed that people who take sex very seriously tend to feel very differently after having if. My friend went through a similar reaction but got over it after some time

M2704 4h18m

Took me years to get over the religious bullshit about sex that my parents told me.

Imagine how you would feel if you’ve been told since a young age until you left home that, if you had sex before marriage, you’d go to hell. And then you have sex.

thecashblaster 111 2h22m


Very real possibility. One of the bachelor contestants came out as gay. He was very good looking but was a virgin when he got on the show

nova__luna 166 3h21m

Hi just hijacking this ever so slightly to let anyone who isn’t aware know that while it’s great Colton finally felt comfortable enough with himself to come out, he is still an abuser who stalked Cassie Randolph, put a tracker on her car, stood outside her house in the middle of the night and generally terrified her to the point she took out a restraining order. I’m seeing a lot of people who either don’t know about this or feel that his coming out negates what he’s done and makes it okay. Women are not just side characters in a man’s self-discovery story. Anyways, as you were.

Chlorine-Queen 60 3h30m

Glad someone finally said it, I got whiplash from how fast social media changed its tune about him after he came out

nova__luna 36 3h32m

Seriously, same. It really pissed me off. Abusers don’t deserve platforms.

kiwicee 4h20m

I did not know about this (don’t follow the show) but I also commented below that this situation reminded me of that news story that came out about him yesterday. Wow.

nothin_incriminating 23 3h15m

Right down to treating the poor unsuspecting beard like dogshit, although not as severely in this case.

3birds1dog 4h11m

Totally think he is gay.

SamsAdvice -19 2h56m

This sounds very anecdotal.

thecashblaster 18 2h58m
MethMouthMagoo 5 3h8m

Isn't that the dude who pretended he was super smitten with Aly Raisman?

They even dated for a bit, right?

thecashblaster 1 3h17m

I have no clue. I wouldn't blame him too much for staying the closet. He was a religious athlete. American football and religion are rife with toxic masculinity. He probably had enormous pressure to present as hetero or risk being ostracized.

MethMouthMagoo 2 3h22m

Oof. You're not wrong.

I feel bad for all the athletes that have never been able to be true to themselves.

Glad he was able to finally come out.

Lin0712 4h0m

Former 'Bachelor' Colton Underwood is getting his own Netflix show

Gross. They'll give any loser a reality show.

kimkatako 46 3h19m

Also he could be asexual, or on the ace spectrum.

fluent_flatulence 38 3h31m

Or even asexual

Ajupsidedown 4h17m

This was my exact thought

shelly5825 794 S 12m

It's good that you opened the line of communication if/when he wants to talk about what's bothering him. Also realize if this continues, it's not fair to you to live with someone who completely shuts down and doesn't communicate when they are experiencing big emotions/challenges. He may be feeling internalized shame surrounding the event, maybe he feels guilty, or it didn't meet his expectations. Sex can bring out some big feelings especially the first time. All you can do OP is assure him that you are okay, you love him, the sex was good, and that you don't see it as a make or break in the relationship. He probably just needs assurance that it was the right step for you guys and he has nothing to be ashamed, regretful, or embarrassed about. Good luck!

ThrowRA-boyfhelp 326 2h4m

Thank you for this. I didn't think about it but he was asking a lot of questions during so he could be embarrassed about that. I am trying to think it through what could of happened that didn't matter to me but could of been for him that he's avoiding me.

the_show_must_go_onn 65 3h31m

Maybe make it clear that you really enjoyed it & want to do it again (without pressuring him). He could be worried he wasn't good enough.

lawless_sapphistry 39 3h34m

Did he grow up in a religious household?

SRCrider069 38 3h31m

You may have hit the nail on the head so to speak, if I were you I would run up to him gushing. Tell him you had a great time, then, thank him profusely for asking questions. Telling him how thoughtful it was for being considerate of you. That's true love.

The_foodie_photog 4h10m

Reassure him. Hold space for Him. You guys got this.

Blyat6161 4h16m

Did something embarrassing happen like busting after three pumps? He could be insecure about that.

CactusinPajamas 4h35m

Please just hug him for a long time without saying anything :) :)

WinterWeekly 691 1h36m

Could it be he’s embarrassed and doesn’t know how to address it? He’s waited all this time to have sex and he feels like it should have gone better? It’s so hard when you don’t know his expectations. Ask him and be direct “you’ve been different with me since we had sex, tell me why”? “Did you enjoy it?” See what his response is

Vicent_rodr 4h21m

I agree with this. Guys put themselves under a ton of pressure due to society performing amazing and have great sex. If he didn't last as long as he thought he would, or if he didn't satisfy you or something of that sort could mean a lot to him. He could be beating himself up for his idea for a lack of performace.

Mikamymika 4h26m

Doesn't mean he has to act like a dick and refuse to communicate?

GrowAsguard 4h29m

You underestimate basic human emotions.

Vicent_rodr 4h28m

I'm not saying he has a right to act like that. I'm saying that could be why. No defending but looking to find why he would.

ZeldLurr 183 1m

That’s great that you asked if he wanted to talk about it.

I’m as lost as you. We’re both of your virgins?

ThrowRA-boyfhelp 163 5m

I was not a virgin but he was.

ZeldLurr 112 10m

He could have been disappointed in his performance? Was it short?

Also very interesting you two have never done anything below the belt. Any reason?

You two live together?

grumpyoldcurmudgeon 201 1h49m

Dating for 3 years without having actual sex, because BF didn't want to cross that line indicates that he has some deep seated conflicts about sex in general. Possibly religious guilt, possibly past abuse, possibly gay-and-in-denial, maybe a love/sex disconnect... there are a ton of possibilities out there, but it seems clear that he is having a ton of emotional turmoil about losing his virginity, and it does not seem to be the fist pumping "YES! I finally had SEX!" reaction that many of us dudes are familiar with.

Giving him some time sounds like an okay idea, but OP & BF need to have some serious communication about his feelings sooner or later, probably with professional counselling, or this relationship will be doomed. Sexual incompatibility can really do a number on otherwise good relationships.

SamsAdvice 32 3h3m

There's plenty of other possibilities as well.

  1. He didn't feel he performed that great.
  2. The sex wasn't that great for him.
  3. Maybe he isn't that attracted to her in particular, it may not mean he is "gay in denial".
  4. MANY MANY other possibilities.
MethMouthMagoo 41 3h10m

3 years is a long time to be with someone you're not that attracted to.

I'm going to lean toward him being gay.

printerparty 14 3h19m

No way, I really think this sounds like PTSD

MethMouthMagoo 11 3h24m

It could be that, too.

3 years is a long time to go without mentioning past trauma to a significant other.

But I realize people do move and process trauma at their own pace.

2Tired2sleepLV 3h51m

It took my wife 24 years to tell me about being abused by her stepfather as a teenager. 3 years is not that long for someone to withhold. Especially if the abuse caused major trust issues for that person. It literally took her that long to feel she could entrust me with that information. She later told me part of the reason was she was afraid I wouldn't believe her. This part of the problem can be even more difficult for a guy because for some reason there are people out there that believe that if a guy has an erection he must be "into" it and willing.

grumpyoldcurmudgeon 14 3h26m

By all means there are a lot of possible reasons, I never meant to suggest that I had covered all the bases here. Given the long time frame of the relationship without sex, and the seemingly complete emotional shutdown afterwards I think it is more likely to be something serious rather than 'he just wasn't that into her.' Even if it's just regular relationship anxiety, the amount of expectations that BF seems to be putting on the act of intercourse could kill the relationship all by itself.

Jdanielbarlow 4h3m

He already said this. Comprehensive reading is fundamental.

sunshinegal_7 3h55m

I’m bothered by how many people are automatically assuming he’s gay lol. If he was a woman, who just experienced her first sexual experience then y’all wouldn’t be claiming that she’s probably a lesbian... maybe it took them 3 years because like OP said he’s a virgin, just because he’s a man doesn’t mean he wanted to jump ship a loose his virginity.. maybe it was just as important to him as it is for many women.. lots of women wait for years until they are sure that this person is worth it. Hell, I’ve herd stories of some women being with a man for 7-10 years before having sex.. none of that equates to “deep seared conflicts about sex”.

ThrowRA-boyfhelp 111 2h0m

It wasn't short. He was asking a lot questions to make sure he was doing things that felt good. I didn't think it was that big of a deal but thinking now he might be embarrassed about it.

He isn't very religious but he's always thought of sex as a big deal and believes things are for committed life partners.

We do live together.

nothin_incriminating 25 3h20m

Is he not-very-religious but raised in a devoutly religious household? It's very possible that he was drilled from birth that sex=shame, and a lot of people who even wait until whole-ass marriage can't just switch that shame off on their wedding night and perform without feeling awful about it. It's possible that his sort of half-measure "wait until serious commitment" gesture towards those norms didn't do as much to blunt that shame as he thought it would, and that what he actually needs to be at peace is (secular!!) therapy.

Commercial-Dish-8028 7 3h29m

This is what I was thinking too. Religion and shame about sex can mess people up for a long time.

FaradayCageFight 3h47m

So, I just want to add my own experience, as it may be relevant.

I was raised in a home that was not religious but my mother was very adamant that sex is extremely special and should only be done with people you truly care about and are committed to. Throughout my childhood, discussions about sex put it up on a pedestal so high that I became convinced it was life-altering and the most amazing thing I'd ever feel.

When I finally chose to have sex, as an adult, with a person I planned to marry, I was EXTREMELY disappointed. It wasn't bad, he was very gentle and sweet and kind and made my enjoyment a priority and it was very nice and fun but..... it was nowhere NEAR the expectation that had been built up in my head. My first thought was, "Is that it? THAT'S what all the fuss was about???" I was stunned, and spent several weeks lost in my own head rethinking my entire childhood and every opportunity to have sex that I'd turned down and was just drowning in regret and confusion while I processed all of those emotions.

But I also communicated to my partner that I was having Big Feels and was not upset, just processing a LIFETIME of thoughts and emotions. I didn't give him the cold shoulder and pout.

If your SO is experiencing something similar, it could explain his mood but does not explain why he is choosing to ice you out. I would just flat out tell him, "Hey, I know SOMETHING is up. You don't have to tell me what it is, but you're icing me out and treating me like an ex-girlfriend you've ran into at a friend's wedding with no explanation. That's really cruel and hurtful. We are partners, and it's our job to communicate with each other so we can each have our needs met and support each other. You don't have to spill the beans about what's bothering you, but you should at least be able to be honest and tell me, 'yeah, my mind is thinking about a lot and I don't know how to react and just need some space while I figure it out.'"

Sc0nnie 4h28m

Based on you indicating it was his first time and a little awkward, I think he is probably embarrassed or self conscious about being inexperienced.

He might have idealized what he thought it would be like the first time and is now processing. It’s unfortunate he isn’t doing a good job communicating. Hopefully he snaps out of it soon. You certainly didn’t do anything wrong. Best of luck to you.

kieraey 17 1h51m

perhaps he is asexual in some way? i’m not that knowledgeable about that but it could be something for the two of you to look into

THROWRA26842 17 2h24m

He could be dealing with insecurity over you having past partners and you being his first. He may worry that he didn't perform as well as those guys, or maybe he is realizing that he has nothing to compare to and experiencing anxiety over potential future FOMO if he stays with you. Definitely is important to get this figured out!

bigrottentuna 128 40m

You live together and sleep together, but this is the first time you have had intercourse, and now he is behaving oddly? He’s got some serious issues. You can try to get him to open up, but he almost certainly needs therapy to deal with them.

You live together and sleep together, but this is the first time you have had intercourses, and now he is behaving oddly? He’s got some serious issues. You can try to get him to open up, but he almost certainly needs therapy to deal with them.

You live together and sleep together, but this is the first time you have had intercourses, and now he IDs behaving oddly? He’s got some serious issues. You can try to get him to open up, but I imagine that he almost certainly needs therapy to deal with them.

Saigon2391 60 1h45m

Before you make any assumptions based off everyone’s assumptions made in this thread, you absolutely need more information. Don’t start assuming stuff, ask him about the experience. Casually bring it up, What he liked, what he didn’t like.

nothin_incriminating 3h36m

I don't know if a casual approach is appropriate, honestly. Sure, OP doesn't need to pick one of these theories the internet is generating for her and start interrogating him with it, but she's not stupid — she can observe that he's being distant and not communicating something important, and she shouldn't be asked to accept or normalize that, or it could go on for a distressingly long time before finally coming to a head.

I think she should simply tell him what she sees and feels: That he's been distant since they had sex, that she can tell he's having feelings about it, that she doesn't want to push him to share those feelings before he's ready but at the same time this cold behavior isn't fair to her.

And even if OP is overwhelmed by it, I don't condemn all the he's-gay theorizing, purely because OP might have to be generally prepared for the core of these issues to be something that does end the relationship, or changes it significantly, or takes years to resolve.

Burn_the_children 38 1h51m

Losing your virginity is bound to be a bit awkward, unfortunately most people don't realise that until it's happened.

At a guess I'd say he may be feeling insecure as you're more experienced, he's probably overthinking past partners and did he measure up. Possibly he was expecting more resistance to the idea and now he's worried he's been depriving you of sex when you readily went with it after checking he was sure.

It doesn't really matter that its a silly thing to obsess over as he doesn't have any frame of reference so he's likely worrying about but doesn't know how to bring it up.

I'd ask him if he's ok and say it's because he's been acting strangely, don't brong up the sex directly. Just make the statement he doesn't seem himself, you worry and you love him. Chances are he'll think on it if I'm right and realise he just needs to talk to you about it and get busy living!

THROWRA26842 20 2h26m


This was an issue I had to work through with the girl I lost my virginity to, so it very well could be this.

Burn_the_children 7 2h36m

Same here! Projection is a possibility.

MaG1CmAn814 4h2m

Exactly why I lost mine to someone I didn't give a shit about. No worries about feeling like this🤣

Embarrassed_Tax_6547 28 1h47m

It sounds like your boyfriend is repressing a giant trauma, not from your sex but something that happened to him before.

Smelly-babes 26 1h25m

Has he just realised he’s gay? Just saying

Diabloceratops 3h56m

Or asexual.

Edit: I’m a sex positive/favorable ace, we exist. Just pointing out that maybe he isn’t.

Throwaway122094 -82 1h37m

Nope, if he was gay he would never have dated her

silsool 78 1h43m

Yep, no gay person has ever tried dating heterosexually before/s

deviajeporaqui 22 1h43m

I think it's plausible that he might be questioning his sexuality and struggling with that and he's using the relationship as a cover. Would explain the self imposed celibacy until now.

Smelly-babes 16 1h44m

He could be in denial, and that’s why he’s put off sex for this long. Wouldn’t be the first time a gay man has dated women before coming out. Is he from a conservative family? Is he a great partner in every way but no real interest in the sex side?

Veliaphus 14 1h46m

That's not true. He easily could have been suppressing it and rejecting any feelings he was having. Actually having sex could have forced him to face it more seriously.

His denial could be over.

Throwaway122094 -30 1h54m

So sexuality is a choice?

Brazilian_Babe 19 1h58m

No, but how you act is, dumb dumb. Search for compulsory heterosexuality. Society puts a lot of pressure on LGBT people, so much so that it can take quite a while for them to realize. It affects more lesbians then gay men, but thinking you’re straight when you are actually gay isn’t unheard of.

Throwaway122094 -26 2h21m


digmachine 16 2h29m

What an intelligent and nuanced response from a true paragon of thought

amandaflash 7 3h16m

Sorry but my wife and I had similar experiences of dating/sleeping with men - but we are complete homos.

ETA: We just had to figure shit out. We both came from very homophobic families and personally I was in a fake it 'til you make it situation.

Throwaway122094 -6 3h31m

So you used her to make your family think your straight?

MolassesCheap 4h8m


The person you're responding to is a woman, and both she and her now wife pursued relationships with men in the past because of social/family pressure.

Throwaway122094 4h22m

Nigga why are you replying to all my comments, people don’t date men and have sex with them unless their straight

jkjwysa 10 1h58m

No, suppressing your sexuality is a choice though.

BAC0N_EGG_n_CHEESE 6 1h50m

That’s a pretty ignorant assumption to make.

digmachine 5 2h28m

someone needs to learn about compulsory heterosexuality

Throwaway122094 -12 2h41m

So you admit their heterosexual? A person who is gay doesn’t date and fuck a woman

AlyxAleone 4 3h28m

You have never heard about people who were married and had kids, than divorced to start an homosexual relationship ? You sure you live on Earth ?

MolassesCheap 4h9m

It happens all the time, lol. Why are you being so willfully obtuse?

sweet_lizzie 4h22m

I have 3 children with the gay man that I was married to for 12 years and in a relationship with for 16 years. When they are trying to hide their sexuality, some certainly do 'date and fuck a woman'

phishtrader 4 1h50m

That's not how that works in real life.

MaG1CmAn814 4h4m

Because people don't have entire fake marriages and have kids while being gay🤣🤣

Restaurant_Annual 16 1h54m

He sounds like he could be gay and in denial.

Lost_l0v3r_ 15 59m

It kind of sounds like he may have been sexually assaulted, and having sex with you may have triggered him to go into this state of avoidance. This is very much an assumption, either way let him know you love him and are there for him but let him know that you understand he's upset but you need him to talk to you and let you in.

MiningDiamonds1337 12 2h2m

Might be gay, doe.

omgyes9 10 3h4m

Your roommate is gay.

Parkinmyyard 8 1h52m

Strong possibility that you were too good at it and it bothered him because you have a past and he doesn't.

knoxx_silver 5 2h52m

I agree with you. This might be the cause. Maybe he realized he did it with someone that thinks of sex / value sex differently as he does. He might be experiencing an internal conflict. For some people rigid postures sometimes don't go well with new experiences like sex.

Dyslexicon1 8 2h11m

You need to sit down and address his behavior and not make assumptions about the reasons for it. “Hey, I’ve noticed you’ve been acting a bit cold towards me the last few days, what’s going on?”

Bogdan-Forrester 8 2h40m

Weird thought.... but if he's a virgin, and you're not...
He might be now realizing what other guys have done before he got there?

Not sure if he thinks that way or not though.

moronwhodances 4h17m

That’s what I was concerned about also. His “worldview” of OP just totally shifted and he’s not sure who she is to him anymore. Like watching a partner give birth. Some individuals aren’t prepared for that view to be shifted.

Outrageous_Fix9 8 3h4m

He's gay or was sexually abused

CrispKratom 8 3h28m

This requires some detective work. The fact that you guys went out for 3 years and never had sex is very peculiar. You said your boyfriend is not religious which makes it even more odd.

nowandlater 6 3h9m

Was that text also the first “I love you”?

martins-dr 5 3h29m

If this continues I would sit him down again and say you have something to talk about even if he doesn’t. Express that you love him and enjoyed your experience with him but noticed a shift in behavior after and you are feeling a way about the shift and not that night. Yes he deserves time to be ready to talk but you also deserve to say how you are feeling.

rekcik15 4 2h43m

While there is a lot of great thoughts being shared, #1 you need to talk to him. Regardless of the situation, talking and sharing thoughts and feelings is crucial for any relationship and with this situation in particular, you need more information.

While it might help you to temporarily feel better - or worse - to think about the potential possibilities, at the end of the day he's the only one who can tell you what's wrong. Whatever it is I wouldn't try to get the information by suggesting what's wrong because that could make it worse. The best way is for him to come out and say it. Suggesting or asking if he's embarrassed or gay or having some sort of PTSD could make whatever really is wrong even worse if it's anxiety that he is experiencing.

FWIW I'll share my insight. my first instinct is that, given he was a virgin, this has been a big build up and now all that has been released. Any guy will tell you, there is a clear difference in the mind between pre and post coitus even for someone regularly sexually active. This is the first time he's experiencing those feelings and it's important that he learns to understand them. He might be thinking he suddenly feels different about you - he doesn't! But it's kind of a crazy feeling if your not used to it. TBH I hate the feeling and learned to overcome it and now I enjoy being around my partner afterwords, but I promise it's a very real feeling that can be overwhelming at first. Ultimately it isn't fair to you though and like I said initially, the guy has to talk about it and get his mind straight

rickdef 3 2h17m

Could it be that he could tell that you clearly had experience and it might be that he was envisioning that you did all this with another person? You were his first but it’s much clearer in his mind that he wasn’t yours. The male ego is much more fragile than most women realize.

kickingxboys 11 3h28m

the male ego is much more fragile than most women realize.

Oh no we definitely realize, and it’s a huge problem.

Ok_Association_2917 3 2h40m

Sit down with him and ask him whats really wrong why the change just that. Also update on why.

poet_with_a_rhyme 2 1h36m

I have no idea what could be going on insade his head but I'm so interested in this.

365Blistering 2 3h11m

Whatever it is it sounds like he's got a lot of issues. Be patient but at a certain point you need to force the issue. If he can't communicate at sex or his feelings at a certain point you have to ask is he ready for an adult relationship? Is he capable of taking your relationship to the next level.

jonyRond 1 1h54m

You will definitely have to talk with him about why hes been distant but he probably is still trying to figure out to convey what he is feeling, whether or not he plans on discussing it with you.

Square_Arm2276 1 2h33m

You should start by telling him what you feel about the situation so he can see that it's a team effort to understand each other. It will show that you care and he will feel more comfortable because to me I think he is uncomfortable with himself around you now because you guys actually had a very intimate moment.

Unsolicitedadvice13 1 2h53m

There is definitely something he needs to talk about if he’s avoiding you as much as possible. We (the Internet) have no way of knowing what his issue is because it could be a myriad of things. I hope he opens up soon, but know that his unwillingness to address the obvious elephant in the room is not being a good partner and it’s fairly mean to do to you

morefeces 1 3h4m

Sounds to me like the dude either feels inadequate (such as that he just sucked at it because you didn’t react the way he thought - cause he may have only watched porn to this point), or he had some trauma come up. Maybe tied to the inadequacy, maybe some kind of abuse he suffered, maybe just in regards to him not being a virgin anymore.

Money is on him feeling inadequate and he’s trying to keep it all out of mind though.

aussielover24 1 3h7m

It is possible that he is embarrassed as you said because he was asking questions. However, I do feel that the fact that you have lived together and been together for 3 years and sex has never come up is a bit odd. Especially if religion is not part of it.

I myself am somebody that would not entertain the idea of having sex with somebody that I do not have a close relationship with, and even I only took a few months to warm up to the idea with my boyfriend. 3 years seems like an extremely long time imo.

floodblood 1 3h12m

there could be a lot of other things going on here, but my inclination is that now he's wondering where he fits in with your past

hell I'm almost 35 with a plentiful, successful sexual history and this shit still happens to me. I'm confident in what I do with great results and I still suffer from intrusive insecure thoughts

if this is the case, he's going to need assurance, and probably lots of willing practice from his partner

if something else is going on here like many others have mentioned, then you're guess is as good as ours here. you know him better than any of us

is it normal for him to clam up when communicating about things? again my guess is that there is a massive amount of pressure in regards to sex and performance that I can almost guarantee he's suffering from right now

BagOfN00dles 1 3h13m

Me and my fiance have been together for 3 years as well and we had sex maybe 3 days in and i wasnt comfortable with it honestly, like yea i had string feelings for her and we fell in love pretty quick but all it dud was make me winder why is she so aggressive about it and why tf so early? It was hard for me to even get hard, even tho i wanted to do it with her because i did love her. But shit. Our relationship moved on so fast and we started living together like 3 weeks in. Now we have a baby lmao.

Where am i going with this?, well maybe it could be the fact that u had others and he hasnt. Maybe hes insecure about your past relationships and couldn't stop thinking about how you have had others in the past, and that his first is you, and your first isnt him. Especially if hes loved you like no one else up to the point rather than a weird falling out over time. I can tell you that could be why. Its hard to get past that. He night think for you it wasnt that special, and he was so careful and trying to please you because he wanted to out preform everyone youve been with, and maybe he feels like he hasnt.

Mmmmee2005 1 3h16m

I would ask him, wondering and assuming the possibilities is a full time job and not worth the stress when you could just ask. You guys were mature enough to wait, maybe he’s embarrassed or thinks he did something worng

lolitacakepop 1 3h24m

Well in any relationship, communication is the key. There's literally one most important thing people in a relationship must do and it's communicating. Ask your boyfriend seriously, about what is bothering him and what he really feels about what happened between you two. Relationships arn't no joke. You need to communicate each and every single thing that you feel about one another or about your relationship in general. Ask him politely but make sure you seem serious about it. Make sure he knows that communicating each other's opinions really matters to you. You say you've been together for 3 whole years. He should have told you watever he felt, easily. That's all I can say. Ask him seriously and give it some time. If he still does not open up at all, I suggest you calmly sit and think about your relationship. Can you really live like this for an entire lifetime?? Can you really live without communicating your problems and opinions? Do you love to come home and feel like you're living with a stranger? If your answer is No. You know what to do.

master0fcats 1 3h25m

Definitely need to talk. If it's been a week, it isn't fair to you that he's being so closed off. I would say you should tell him that you need to talk and ask him to set aside time to do so. Tell him you want to sit down for dinner or go for a walk, etc., and plan to do that. Don't ask him if he wants to talk about it, because he seems to be shutting that down, but tell him that YOU NEED to talk to him. Lay it out that you feel like he's acting differently towards you and that you both made the decision to do this together because you both feel committed, and that committment means you communicate to fix problems. If it's an issue relating to some past trauma or issues with identity and he needs time to process, that's fine. But if it's an issue with embarassment/performance/expectations, etc., then he needs to be honest with you. My suspicion is that something about this experience is making him overthink and feel like maybe he isn't as committed as he originally thought. Let him know that if something about it didn't meet his expectations, you have to be honest with each other to decide how to move forward with that. The best part about growing together sexually is learning together. Hope this helps. Good luck, OP! update us on how that convo goes.

ReturnOdd7817 1 3h27m

Consistent communication is important in a long-term, healthy relationship, so you're going to have to initiate a discussion at some point.

Honestly, the best way to approach this imo is first of all not to assume anything, don't hypothesise what the reason could be, only he knows and can tell you that and give you insight to his emotions and thoughts.

But you can initiate a conversation by stating your observations and how you feel.

So for e.g. "Hey, I've noticed you've been a bit closed off and unresponsive, verbally and in terms of showing affection like cuddling, since we've had sex. It's making me feel ___(anxious/ insecure/ whatever you're feeling?), because I feel like it has something to do with us having taken that intimate next step in our relationship. And for the sake of our relationship it's important to me that we be able to address internal and external issues we have with each other. If there is something wrong and it's related to when we had sex together, I wish for us to discuss it, so we can move past it."

Maybe it's even an issue that's unrelated to sex? But again, that's for him to know and you to find out, because at the end of the day, you're also driving yourself crazy with any thoughts you have.

srikanthmylavarapu 0 3h18m

To be frank, its definately miss match of expectation vs reality. Things would be fine. You need to talk to him, or text him to check.if something is bothering him. Hopefully things would be fine.

himdall 0 3h21m

Okay I think he's overwhelmed with feelings and the post sex feelings are different. Even though people say it's just a sex.. it's not the first time you do it.. it changes a lot of things..

Us guys have a post nut clarity thingy which is weird thing I can't explain..

Maybe the sex wasn't as expected as he thought it'd be like.. it happens with a lot of people..


Diadelgalgos 0 3h22m

I read somewhere that men need some time alone after sex, so maybe give him 3 days of space and see if he is more communicative. Maybe its a big learning curve for him to manage right now, in terms of how he feels.

jameye69_somshuvra -1 41m

I think he might need some space. I pretty sure he will himself come to you after some time till then just wait it out. It will all be for the best :)

srk9870 -14 3h16m

Are you making sure you're fresh down there? If not, maybe he smelled something that turned him off? Not trying to be an ass. This shit actually happens.

BuNi_Jo 3h52m

All anyone can do here is guess, there could be a million different reasons for his behavior and speculating isn't going to be helpful.

You two have to talk and you need to be firm that while he doesn't have to say EVERYTHING that is going on with him, as his partner you need reassurance. Reassurance he isn't upset with you, reassurance that he still loves you, reassurance that when he is ready he will talk to you about what is going on. I think you just need to lovingly set expectations that something significant happened in the relationship, and ignoring or stonewalling you will only cause harm to your relationship and he needs to talk to you about it.

TedW14 4h20m

No normal guy would be having negative feelings about first time sex with his girlfriend. It should be a happy, even joyful event. Somethings wrong here.

Witty-Stay-7432 -16 58m

He is gay

Buddhabombed83 3h46m

Insecurity.... very high on the list. I punched my v card at 25... grew up very religeous, doubts, not just guilt, but doubts about my own sufficency (deficiancy) made me a mess, for a long time. Keep communication open, but dont press, and dont over sell it. Its even worse, if thats his problem, and he feels you are pleased to much..... then he thinks your just saying so to make him feel better. Sorry for both of you. Hope it resolves soon, for both your sakes

theworldisnotquiet 4h10m

If he doesn't go back to normal in a couple of days, you might have to put your foot down and say "I know something is wrong. Even if you can't or won't talk about it fully, some idea of what it is would be nice because I'm wondering if I did something wrong and that isn't fair."

ohsweetwin 4h15m

Someone waiting three years to have sex with their partner is a giant bright red flag.

SamNash 4h29m

Right? I'm a pretty understanding person but after 1 year of this I'd begin to wonder what a "real commitment to each other," actually was. After 2 years I'd be very upset. After 3 years and moving in together? Just very strange

ohsweetwin 4h34m

While reading I was waiting to read that they're deeply religious or something but no. This is incredibly weird.

RageAgainstYoda 4h25m

So you've been ok with a relationship 99% devoid of sexual activities for 3 years? Did you ever discuss your wants and needs before this (if they were different from his)?

He feels it takes three years to decide he's serious about you? 1000 days? And what changed now, all of a sudden? Was there any discussion beforehand about where you are in your relationship?

And then he decides he feels safe and comfortable enough with you to have sex and then..... shuts down and disappears?

If I were you I'd be feeling pretty played with and like I just wasted 3 years of my life. Then again, you seem to have allowed it without too much pushback. Have you THOUGHT about what you want, or were you just letting him stall the whole relationship indefinitely because..... reasons?

This whole situation sounds odd.

Is sex important to you in a relationship? If so, why haven't you spoken up about YOUR needs? It's ok if they aren't being met by him. You just aren't right for each other in that case. If it's not important to you in a relationship, you still need to talk about boundaries going forward because if this happens every time there's sex..... nah.

For me, I'd give him ONE chance and a set timeline (in my own mind that I wouldn't tell him) to get his thoughts together and tell me what's going on. Sometimes people feel in ways they don't expect and sometimes they need some time to process. Nobody's perfect and handles every situation perfectly right away. That's cool.

But I would say something like "Hey, if you're feeling some type of way about last night I understand. But I'm feeling frozen out and I'm unsure what to think or what's going on with us. We need to talk about how you're feeling and what this means for us going forward." And then I'd give him no more than 3 days. If he has no explanation, rug sweeps and tries to pretend everything is fine, or doesn't get in contact at all, sorry but you just wasted your time.

Klopp420 4h29m

I smell religious shame

Mewoir78 3h39m

Pretty sure he realized he's gay, and finally sleeping with you confirmed it all to him.

mrmordock 4h24m

Is it possible that he might be questioning his sexuality?

RabicanShiver 4h3m

Congrats you're the beard.

Kissit777 3h39m

I hate to say this but I wonder about his sexuality. It seems a bit strange to me that a young person would not want sex 3 years into a relationship.

I’m not saying it’s not normal because he is a guy.

ForceGlittering 3h54m

Also it could be that it sucked for him. Its normally shitty for the guy the first time, either cums too fast or not at all

theworldisnotquiet 4h12m

Maybe but he needs to use his words so OP has some idea what is wrong.

dmnohvry 4h22m

3 years trying to convince himself he’s not gay, and the sex confirmed it is my guess.

panamanimal 3h46m

I'm sorry to say that my initial reaction to this is that he might be gay. Without knowing him or more than what you've just posted, I am not going to lean too far into that conclusion but that is what stuck out to me.

I have been a friend and ally of the LGBTQ+ community for most of my life and have many gay male friends. I am much older than you (40F) but almost all of my gay male friends have had sex/relationships with women at some point in their lives, mostly in high school. It's not unusual for the societal pressure to delay a person's self-actualization and it's a deeply personal journey that unfolds differently for everyone. I'm not going to try to speak more to that experience (I am cis and hetero) but I'm saying this to provide the basis for my opinion concluded from what I know.

Ultimately, I don't think it's you. It's easy to take this personally or as rejection but whatever the reason is, it sounds like something within him is causing this distance.

zxrox 4h0m

I haven’t seen anyone else comment this, so I figured I’d chime in one more possibility. Because I was very similar with how I reacted. With my current girlfriend, she was more experienced than I was. This led to me constantly worrying 24/7 if I was good enough, or if I was better, etc.

I would constantly just shut down, and become overtaken with my own self doubt and worries. It was a combination of: sex being a huge deal to me, my low self esteem making me feel like I wasn’t good enough, and my view of her being the best person ever so i knew I wasn’t good enough. It happened for months, and I would try to push through it and act fine, but it would flare up and I would shut down for days at a time.

Does he struggle with self worth issues? You said he asked a lot of questions, so it could be something similar. Asking the questions, and especially if you acted like it wasn’t a huge deal or like it was “just another time” (not saying you did, just giving an idea,) then that could’ve upset him or made him think this way.

dirtypotlicker 4h23m

Holy fuck this described my first sexually active relationship so well and was also the reason it didn't go anywhere. She eventually got tired of me being a mental midget.

Insecurity is the worst.

kiwicee 4h13m

I don’t watch the Bachelor but a story came out yesterday about a recent Bachelor (who was known as the “virgin bachelor”) has come out as gay and this situation immediately made me think of that.

Or he has some really deep seated trauma around sex.

ionlyhavepantheon 4h3m

dump his ass, he's sounds like a fucking serial killer

redditcredits 3h36m

Did you ever explicitly state you were not a virgin? Could be he assumed you were and this is his reaction finding out you weren’t. Edit: Im stating a possibility, not judging. Why downvote?

Hurtin4Certain7 3h46m

You think he could be gay?

no1special_snowflake 4h22m

Have you thought of the possibility of him being gay? I 100% understand wanting a commitment before having sex (i’m like that too) but 3 years is very extreme. Having sex with you could have solidified non-existent sexual feelings for women and now he’s not sure how to handle it? Just a thought.

lila_liechtenstein 3h42m

Just tell him how you feel. "Hey, I really loved having sex with you. But you are different since then. I need to know what this is all about."

Holiday_Raisin_7 3h50m

The first time is always really awkward and brings up a lot of weird feelings. It’s possible that he’s feeling overwhelmed or possibly ashamed. If he was brought up with strict or religious parents, he might feel guilty for having sex before marriage or feel like he’s betraying his values or himself. It’s possible that he was sexually abused at some point in his childhood or adult life and thought he was ready to try consensual sex, but it brought out some icky feelings and memories. He might feel angry with himself or disappointed with having waited so long and not feeling satisfied. Honestly, people make the first time out to be some huge orgasmic (pun intended) thing, but it’s so awkward and strange and you’re so unsure of yourself that it usually feels disappointing or like it wasn’t enough. I would just give him space and let him come to you when he’s ready. Not everyone can deal with those big feelings well and can’t really voice what they’re feelings. Give him some time and maybe try sex again when he feels okay about it

Haters_Gunner_Hate 3h50m

Maybe he finished fast and is ashamed, maybe he didnt think you enjoyed it. Lots of maybes. Some people said hes probably gay but I dont think you understand the point in them actually having sex. If he were gay the dick wouldnt go up right?

dirtypotlicker 3h54m

Was an old virgin who lost his virginity to a more experienced woman. It’s tough, you feel like you don’t know what you’re doing, and that she definitely has had better, and (at least for me) a lot of my idea of what sex even is came from porn while also simultaneously hearing a billion times that real sex is nothing like porn so you don’t really even know what it’s supposed to look like or what makes it good. It’s a whole realization of “having sex isn’t as easy as jerking off, there is a whole person here who I have to try and make sure is having a good time too.

You should definitely tell him you had fun and that it was good for you, for me personally I experienced a whole new wave of insecurity after losing my virginity. Especially when the thoughts creep in that “she probably has had sex with guys who have been fucking since 16 and actually know what they’re doing, it was my first time and it was probably kinda awkward for her, cause it was kinda awkward for me.”

ST_Ghost 3h55m

If this has gone on longer than a day like you said then have to not just sit by. You need to demand the issues get brought up. Can’t be swept under the rug. Talk. You’re adults.


i recommend getting some kind of relationship therapy as maybe he feels embarrassed about how he acted.

LilitySan91 4h0m

I’d like to begin seconding what someone said about that not being fair to you. It is not in anyway your fault. Whatever happened then and whatever happens now on, it is not your fault.

It is natural for couples to have sex and since you didn’t try pressuring him into it, there is nothing wrong with you. That being said, sex, especially the first time is a big deal and something everybody have to deal with. There are a lot of different things that could be going through his mind that moment, some are:

  1. Maybe he thought you would yell like a girl in a porn movie and he is thinking if he did something wrong since it was different then his expectations.
  2. Maybe he thought he came too fast, or not so hard as he thought he would, or just not as a big quantity as he expected (I blame hentai for this one).
  3. Maybe he thought that after the sex something would change in the way he sees/feels about himself (feeling stronger, manlier or whatever) and he didn’t...
  4. All of above or anything else related to his expectations of the fact/how he would feel after it.

  5. There could be a trauma like some mentioned.

  6. Maybe he is not interested in girls (not necessarily gay, he could be ace or something else) and didn’t want to accept it.

  7. Maybe he regrets it. He was thinking about getting married a virgin and then suddenly he can’t do it anymore (maybe he said he wanted it on impulse, or maybe something happened and he felt pressured - not necessarily by you- to do it).

There could be a loooot of different things.

What I suggest: Talk to him about what you liked. “Oh you asked me what I liked and I felt so cherished because you did it just the way I like it. It felt so good.” Or something like: “I really liked how I feel we grew closer now. Do you feel like we are closer too?” Or maybe ask him if there is something he would like: “I really liked the way you did “X” do you want us to try doing something different next time?”

It’s important to be careful to not make him worry about being pressured but I really think you guys should talk.

Wish you both the best :)

95forever 4h1m

Is your bf a Mormon or something? He seems super insecure about his sexuality and having premarital intercourse

Apprehensive-Peach26 4h3m

Well this is different because it wasn’t with a long time lover, but I have done this with people who I have had sex with (maybe we talked for a bit before and then did it, or maybe we had a hook up). I just flat out block them and never speak to them again. So my reasoning for doing this: 50% embarrassment and 50% guilt. Morally I knew what I was doing was probably not great, so I felt these two emotions and chose to block them and never talk to them again. Perhaps he is a very religious person and believes sex should wait until marriage, maybe he feels he didn’t perform well? Definitely communicate if he is open to it!

2ndcupofcoffee 4h6m

His need for a relationship commitment may have been his needing someone invested in him and likely to stay if sex didn’t go well. He may have been looking for safety big time.

Paturuzu12 -71 55m

He realized that he waited for 3 years to made love to you, and you are not as ”virgin” as expected, he can’t talk to you because he doesn’t know what or how express what he feel, he probably is feeling shame to feel this way, and he may be thinking a way out, and is killing him because he loves you, I been through that, loooong time ago. Give him time, when he is ready he may talk to you, but is going to be hard to make sense of this feelings and thoughts.

UsefullPeace 33 1h13m

How could he expect her to be any kind of “virgin”? She’s not.

Paturuzu12 -22 2h4m

She knows

UsefullPeace 9 2h4m

Come again?

Paturuzu12 -9 2h11m

How old are you?

UsefullPeace 9 2h21m

30, dude. Thanks for asking.

Paturuzu12 -7 2h32m

Then you should know

UsefullPeace 11 2h41m

But I don’t, so please, educate me

Spaznaut 3h58m

Don’t feed the neckbeard trolls. Just report and move on.

YourDadIsMySimp 4h2m

This douchebag is implying that old trope of the amount of sex and sexual partners a woman has the 'looser' her vagina becomes.

By saying not virgin enough' this absolute cretin is implying ops bf is acting this way because she wasn't as tight as he expected.

I could be wrong but I'm 98% sure that this is exactly what this dude is getting at

UsefullPeace 4h11m

Oooh, jfc that’s toxic

Paturuzu12 -17 2h10m

you don’t need to know, she does. Bye

Sage__Fox 27 1h30m

How did you arrive at...any of these conclusions??

poptoprock 4h8m

Maybe he thought you were bad...

Jk.. he needs to be better and not make you feel bad. That should’ve been a good step after three years. That’s not right. that’s a pretty long time for that in your twenties, so you’d think by now at your point in your relationship you two would be comfortable enough to discuss any issues and feelings surrounding that.

Edit: so now I know that he was a virgin, which matters. I would definitely be open about feelings with him and ask him to do the same. Have the discussion of being open to sex, how each other feels regarding it, and exploring sex within the relationship.

timissick 4h9m

Tell him you want more.

DragonSteelX 4h14m

If his dick is small he probably thinks you judged him for it and feels ashamed.

bkalldaybaybay 4h14m

Sounds like he could be gay.

thebujthebuj 4h14m

He might be mad because you seemed too experienced for his liking

mjh10896 4h15m

I don’t think you did anything wrong in the situation. It sounds like there is something deep going on with him and the way he feels about sex. Is he religious? He could be feeling guilt/conflict if he thinks he did something wrong. Or he could be embarrassed that things didn’t go the way he wanted. I dated a guy who was a virgin (I was not) and he was very anxious/insecure about sexual things because he worried he wouldn’t match up to the other guys I’ve been with.

Islandgirl146 4h16m

He might have realised that sex isn't what he wants, he might have figured out that he's asexual. Just be kind and give him time to come back to you, he knows you love him so just continue to show your love and give him time

STONEMAN65 4h17m

I would ask him what’s wrong and have I done anything wrong. If he did say that there was something wrong that previous day, then you and him would try to fix the problem and make sure that it won’t happen again, but if he did that there was nothing wrong, then double or triple check to see because you may never know if there was something wrong, but don’t want you to know.

ugglygirl 4h17m

I would force the issue sooner rather than later-as in immediately. Don’t leave the conversation until you’re satisfied all has been shared including a path forward

ofthevalleyofthewind 4h18m

This sounds a lot like me and my now wife. For me, actually having sex for the first time uncovered a lot of past trauma/abuse that I had buried and my mind was absolutely drowning in anxiety and self-hate.

I eventually got to see a therapist and worked things out.

MoonCobbler 4h19m

Do you know if he masturbates at all? And if so then how much?

When I hooked up with a girl many years ago was was masturbating a lot. And when we had done it sex just wasn't what I had imagined it to have been. Maybe he's going through this to. But just talk to him. Tell him he's making you feel like you'd done something wrong.

Specialist_Wallaby_6 4h19m

Could be religious reasons ? Or maybe he really want to serious before :)

_Ev4n_ 4h19m

I’m assuming you’ve talked with him with your past and how sexual you were with previous relationships? He may feel like he sucked at it while you knew what to do, meaning that special feeling he worked himself up to experience didn’t exist in the same way he thought it would?

ericcartmanrulz 4h19m

He’s gay

FishGutsCake 4h20m

Waiting 3 years for sex?? That’s a red flag.

Stop wasting your time with this loser.

Fun2badult 4h20m

You know some guys don’t really like to ‘talk about it’

DreamSequence11 4h20m

Maybe some trauma? Maybe he was sexually abused? I’m sorry you are dealing with this. Continue to be supportive and patient but if he won’t or refuses to open up you can’t be forced to stay

CactusinPajamas 4h21m

Maybe it's not something that big as abuse or big problems...

If he thinks sex is a big deal and only for life partners like you said in a comment.. Maybe he is very sensitive and was it all very overwhelming to open up like this with his soul and body. Maybe he thinks you felt different then he does, because you have had a lot of sex before. That you are used to sex and don't feel as special as he . And maybe he experienced how intimate it is and is scared now. Maybe you should not try to speak at the beginning but just go to him and hold him tight so he can feel safe with you. Insecurity can also play a part. Maybe he holded it off because of big fear of failure.. Or just scared that he won't perform like others. Please give him only but compliments about his body. (I myself was holding of sex for years because I was scared. I finally got a partner who didn't know any shame and helped me open up by acti g like everything around sex is completely normal!! :) )

He can also experience fear of commitment. If he thinks sex is for life partners and now he had sex with you.. Maybe he got scared that het committed himself now (in his head it can be big and overwhelming) Maybe he just needs some time to process.. I'm pretty sure he will long for sex after the first time, in a while.

Steven_Chalking 4h21m

I think this is another fake shitpost for the pile people.

JeanLucsGhost 4h22m

I would think there is something below the surface that he has not shared. Maybe he’s asexual, not sure about his sexuality, past trauma, or just embarrassment. What can you do about it? Dunno wait around until he feels like opening up—could be never. Try imitating sex again?

Edit—initiating not imitating, yikes

sopmaeThrowaway 4h24m

Something seems off. You’ve been together 3 years and sleep in the same bed and are just now having sex? I find that very peculiar. Not everyone is the same of course, but in my experience guys of that age can’t wait to get in your pants, even ones who like to be in an exclusive relationship first. It seems to me like something has put your boyfriend off sex and the act of doing it has triggered some mixed feelings for some reason.

Hopefully it’s not this... but I stayed a virgin while all my friends were having sex at 14 because I found being touched in certain ways terrifying. I was sexually assaulted when I was very young. I was 16 when I met a really kind and cute guy and started dating him. We fell in love and I just adored him. However, I reacted quite violently after the 1st time I had consented sex with him. It was bad. I did crazy things in the following days.

He was perfectly lovely and patient, no pressure and we took really our time getting there. Didn’t matter, the emotional turmoil was overwhelming. I knew it was irrational. But that didn’t matter either, because the terror was so deep seated. It took nearly a decade to desensitize myself to sex and begin to enjoy it. I should have gone to therapy. If this is the case with him he could be experiencing some dark feelings right now and there was no way for you to foresee that and prevent it.

Please get to the bottom of this. I hope it’s not similar to my experience, but if it is, be trustworthy, patient, and urge him to seek therapy :/

LowkeyZut 4h25m

Post nut clarity hit hard

Chimarkgames 4h26m

So immature he is. Sorry.

PhilipLiptonSchrute 4h27m

[Serious] Is there a chance your boyfriend could be gay?

chaoCapital 4h28m

He might be gay.

magyar_profeta 4h29m

A guy explained this as post cum clarity and in some examples I agree that this could be a factor. He meant that a guy only knows if he want be with a woman after sex because until his eyes are blindfolded to get the act.

hotlineportland 4h29m

I agree with everyone else. He most likely has some very serious issues or trauma. He is associating sex with something negative. He could have been molested, made fun of during sex or something like that. He also could be gay and I don't say that in humor.

I would be very calm and open up to him and explain carefully that you really enjoyed the other night but are concerned with the immediate following days. Tell him that you're there for him and won't cast any judgment if he wants to open up. But say you're there for him when he's ready... and then go about your business.

It puts the ball in his court really.

bab_101 4h31m

It’s possible he’s an abuse victim. Communication is the only way to work this out which is difficult if he’s not willing. Think you’ll just have to be patient and trust he’ll talk to you when he’s ready.

ProperSmells 4h33m

Waiting to have sex for three years based on "commitment" is huge, just to be clear. It's not exactly normal. That, coupled with his reaction suggests he has some deep rooted issues to resolve.

HiddenShadow20 4h34m

Is this guy a conservative religious person? Did he grow up in this kind of environment? Maybe he feels guilty about sex

PenelopeShoots 4h34m

Was it his first time ever?

Do you live together without sex? Why do you live together if he doesn't want sex, and what does he consider a "real commitment"?

Is it possible at all that maybe he's gay?

Old_Homework8339 4h24m

He don't like you at the moment. We men don't love you like how you love us.

Leave him be and do your thing. He'll come around when he's ready

UsefullPeace 4h30m

And you don’t think it’s kinda problem to turn cold and ignore your missus for days when you’ve had sex?

RedRoom4U 3h42m

In this day an age... I'm sorry 😞. I'm not buying his original excuse. 👎 sounds like he's hiding something 🤔 psych issue ? If your lover can't communicate with you, it doesn't sound like a strong relationship. I would come straight out w it.

knowsaboutit 4h22m

You're missing something big: your boyfriend's got major issues! It's very sad you got involved in this way with this outcome, but probably best to cut your losses and move on.

Was that first time for the L word? Maybe that triggered something in his minefield... Although, he's the one who wanted to wait until it's serious, then did it. He should have been prepared for seriousness, but it sounds like he's reliving some trauma instead of being there for you.

Apprehensive_Watch24 4h21m


n0tworthyourtime 4h24m

Your BF is gay. No guy would hold out on sex for 3 years, even if he has sexual trauma. It's very likely - statistically - that if made him gay. Nothing wrong with being gay, but I hate people who use other people because they can't accept who they are.

I know im going to get a lot of down votes for what I just said. But I'm just going with what is more plausible logically the reason could be that a man won't have sex with a woman.