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Fuller House is real, here are our most pressing questions

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Like anyone in possession of both a beating heart and enough years behind them that they are permitted to rent a car, I was thrilled to hear that Full House was getting a Netflix sequel series called Fuller House in 2016. It's amazing and mystifying and further evidence that we live in a world populated by tiny miracles.

But, but. The announcement raises some pressing questions that I'm going to need addressed. Here are the ones I am currently most obsessed with:

Question One: The press release states that "Fuller House is the long-awaited sequel to the iconic hit series Full House." My first question: Who are these people that have been "long-awaiting" a sequel to a sitcom that ended 20 years ago? They are true believers and I have nothing but respect for that, but did they understand when they began awaiting a sequel to a sitcom exactly how long the odds were?

Can you imagine how trying that must have been for two decades? There had to be a time 12 or 13 years in that their faith wavered, right? There had to be some dark nights where they stared at their framed cover of the Scott Weinger issue of Teen Beat and thought "What am I doing here, Steve? Who's even ever heard of a sitcom sequel? Everywhere I look (everywhere) there's a reason (there's a reason) a reason to give up."

Conversely, can you imagine how unfathomably vindicated that poor lost soul feels this morning? Hold on, I'm being told we have a live feed direct from their home.


Question Two: From that same release, we learn the show is centered on "veterinarian D.J. Tanner-Fuller (Candace Cameron-Bure) pregnant and recently widowed." This is, in one sense, just lazy writing, excising the setup for Full House Prime and transplanting its still-beating heart into this new offering. In another sense: How shitty is this family's luck? Or, perhaps ... is there something supernatural at play? Did great-great-grandpa Tanner trample a mysterious old woman with his Conestoga wagon during the San Francisco gold rush and she cursed his family line?

"Forever on the firstborn Tanner shall lose their spouse at the most tragic possible moment! Also every Tanner will have to switch bedrooms constantly because they keep having family move in with them!" (Question Two Point Five: Can you imagine the fucking emotional roller coaster poor Scott Weinger has been on for the past few weeks? "Oh nice, the pilot script is here! [reads first page, quietly shreds yacht catalog he bought the day before]")


Take it up with the crone, baby.

Question Three: Fuller House is a clever name, but is Miller-Boyett Productions really ready to commit to that? At its fullest (which I'm assuming is somewhere around season seven) the full house contained Danny, Joey, Jesse, Becky, DJ, Stephanie, Michelle, Nicky, Alex and Danny's fiancee Vicky before she moved out because she got her dream job anchoring news in New York (or, presumably, because she heard about the curse). Also Comet. That's five adults and five kids and Comet. Fuller House opens with a house of three women, three kids and a fetus.

That house is in no way fuller than Full House: Origins. Frankly, there are gonna have to be some serious narrative hoops jumped through before it's even plausibly Full As The Last Full House House. DJ is gonna have to start inviting vagrants to live in her basement just so Netflix doesn't get hauled in front of the FCC for false advertising. (Though you could argue that said vagrants may be more capable of child-rearing than Season One Jesse and Joey.)

Question Four: Did you know that Buddy, the dog that played Comet, also played Air Bud? It's true!


*We sure hope not because the right image is from Air Bud: Golden Receiver which is an entirely different dog, you dog racist.

Question Three Addendum: Wait a minute. Wait. A. Minute. I just read Question Two again. "D.J. Tanner-Fuller"? Did D.J. literally marry a guy named "Fuller"? Really?

... You know what? I take this whole piece back. Everything about Fuller House is precious and perfect and I absolutely can't wait to watch. Sorry for wasting your time.

Question Two Point Five Addendum, For Scott Weinger Only: Good news, buddy: Not only is Steve apparently alive, but I'm betting Deej is gonna need a special guest starring shoulder to cry on.

Oh, but Scott/Steve? You may want to hold off on marrying a Tanner. Trust me on this one.


Question Five For The Old Woman Who Laid The Tanner Curse Who Is Presumably Still Alive Through Dark Magicks And May Be Considering Lifting The Curse Considering All The Family Has Gone Through: Have mercy?

OK, I'm done, thank you for your time.