Will No One Speak for the Trees?

Story Sent in by Jayne:

I was on a walk with Anthony after our first date dinner. Due to his frequent swearing and ear-shredding laughter (mostly at his own jokes) at the dinner table, I harbored a large suspicion that this would be our only date.

This was confirmed when we passed a tree growing alongside the sidewalk and he said, "Check this out! Ha ha ha!"

He lay down, back on the ground, slid up to the tree, and wrapped his legs around it, so it appeared as if the tree was growing out of his crotch.

"Check it out!" he repeated, "Monster schlong! Ha ha ha ha!"

"That's really great, Anthony. Wow."

"Wanna suck me off? Ha ha ha ha ha!"

I replied, "The branches would get stuck in my teeth."

"Nah! You're no goddamned gap-toothed woman! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

He picked himself up from the ground and brushed himself off. He asked, "Wanna give it a try? Go ahead! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

"Give what a try? Sucking off the tree?"

"No, idiot. Go on, wrap your legs around it! Imagine what it would be like with a monster schlong! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

"I'm good."

"Want to see me do it again?"

"I'm good."

He then laughed again, longer and louder than I'd ever heard him laugh prior. "Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! You should see your face! Your face is hysterical!"

"I'm just amused that you think that you're impressing me."

"Ha ha ha ha! I know I'm impressing you, baby!"

I ended the date shortly thereafter. He wrote me a lot of emails to ask me out again, but for some reason or another, I lacked the interest.


  1. I totally pictured this date being with the Jayne from Firefly. Made it even funnier.

  2. Hey, that IS pretty nifty. Actually, picture it as a blind date between Jayne and Inara and it becomes even funnier! :-)

  3. You guys are dorks...

    I like Inara. Mal was cool too.

  4. This might be my most favorite title yet. The Firefly references just made it that much better.

    As for the date, what a tool.

  5. "Its okay, I told Diana Yeller that you were a dendrophiliac" - Denise
    "Whats that?" - Kenny
    "Oh...its someone who has sex with trees" - Denise
    "Thats not funny!" - Kenny

    1. yay replies and yay that's one of my favorite teen movies :)

  6. PS: Anyone else having problems with the story links anchoring to the comments instead of the top of the page?

  7. This could have turned into the aquateen hungerforce episode with the trees

  8. Off topic: Yay! A reply option!

  9. ^ agreed! jared, you're BRILLIANT! :)

    i went on a date before with a douche..i mean..guy who's demeanor and humor was similar to anthony's. first and only date. i have no idea why in the sam heck they think stupid crap, especially like that, is impressive. idiots.

  10. Seems to be a browser issue. Issues appear in Firefox but not in Safari. I'll keep looking into it.

    1. It also appears in Internet Exploder (which I'm forced to use at work).

    2. Just tested Chrome. Works fine there. I'll keep checking into it. Thanks for your patience.



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