I can’t help but notice that when I am in the company of alpha males the nature of conversation tends to possess a flair of competitive spirit. Some could argue this innate competitive drive is an evolutionary process that primitive man developed in order to survive harsh environments? But regardless of the origins, competitive ego is something that is undeniably here to stay…

The nature of these conversations can include whose football team is better, how much weight is lifted while bench pressing, what car you drive or arguably the most controversial of all ego based subject matter; the number of people you’ve slept with.

It’s a slightly awkward moment because if you dare to address the question; you roll the dice and risk being perceived as either too inexperienced or overly promiscuous. Not to mention you have weird social mathematics that come into play; where women have a tendency to subtract or divide from their actual number while men will often add or multiply.

Even the medical profession can’t quite get a grip on the numbers, as whilst causally researching for this post I came across…

“According to the 2010 Health Survey for England, the mean number of sexual partners is 9.3 for men and 4.7 for women. However, the 2013 National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles (Natsal) found the mean to be 11.7 for men and 7.7 for women.”

My absent father was never around to walk me through the adolescent process of sexual awakening, although truth be told I’m not sure having his guidance on the issue would have necessarily been my saving grace. The first time I was openly introduced to the concept of sex was through my uninspiring science teacher who spoke about sex in terms of cells, glands and reproductive organs making the experience sound more like an uneventful procedure.

Of course like most I also had the influence of both Hollywood and pornography but both were geared toward a fantasy based approach rather than reality, needless to say there was very little information regarding the complex simplicity of feelings, joy, sensitivity or technique.

We can’t forget about the unspoken sexual “free pass” that is issued, where a person is so emotionally attached to their lover that achieving the “big O” isn’t as important as a softly spoken kindred connection. An unintended consequence being that emotional feelings can often compensate (or in some cases override) a lack lustre physical interaction…but perhaps I should just speak for myself on that one?

The best sexual technique a person can utilise is failure…yeah I said it!…fail, mess up, make mistakes, feel humiliated, embarrassed, slip up but eventually you’ll stand up and find your balance from each misplaced step.

Time is also going to be one of your greatest allies, experience really is the best teacher and it is what you take from each union (both good and bad) that will tentatively take you a step closer to finding confidence within yourself and understanding the needs of your chosen partner.

Of course it is possible to build a good general knowledge of what works based on an accumulated body of experience but ultimately none of it really means a damn if you are not willing to openly communicate with the particular partner of your choice. What we know for sure is that we are all individual so it makes perfect sense that sexual desire and preference is on a scale as diverse as the beings that inhabit this planet.

Let’s also not forget personal perspective because I am pretty sure that in my minds eye I was a combination of Don Juan and Mr Darcy but perhaps the reality for my consensual recipient, was that I was a combination of Charlie Chaplin and Usain Bolt!

Who knows?

I do not pretend that anything in this post is a definitive guide for all, however I have drawn a line in the sand and officially declared war on the false bravado of those who ignorantly think that a higher number of sexual partners indicates anything more than just a higher number.

Until next time.