My wife is such a bad cook, she made alphabet soup, the kids spelled out HELP!

I was on a flight last week. It was a shaky, very shaky airline. The pilot comes over the intercom and says, "Does anyone know if LaGuardia is open late on Tuesdays?"

I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great-uncle fought for the West.

My car is always on a lift. It's got more miles vertically than horizontally.