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What can I do if my toddler prefers me to her father?


My toddler has developed a strong preference for me over her father. 'Mommy do it!' is her favorite phrase these days. When Daddy makes simple requests of her (even in his normal voice) she runs into my arms crying. If I make the same request, there are no tears and she willingly complies. It's really starting to get to my husband. I don't know what to tell him or how to help her get past this phase. Any advice?

Posted: 04/30/2004 by a BabyCenter Member

Mom Answers

We had a similar strong "mommy" preference in our house, but it seems to be better now. A few things have changed: 1. Dad is spending more quality time with our toddler. They have time alone at the park and Dad now does the bath and bed routine himself most nights in our house. (This is where we saw the biggest improvement.) 2. We stopped asking for a preference. Sometimes we contributed to the problem by asking a question, rather than simply saying,"Its time for a bath with daddy!" and moving matter-of-factly into action mode. 3. My husband is trying harder not to take it personally these days. He doesn't tell her that she is hurting his feelings (although, of coarse it does. He is human after all!) We want our toddler to know that as long as she is not hitting or acting out, she is entitled to her feelings. We just can't always accomodate her feelings every time. 4. I try not to contribute by stepping in immediately when she cries for mommy. This was hard for me at first, but I had to admit I was contributing to the problem by stepping in to "save the day!" 5. If she gets a boo-boo and only mommy can sooth it, okay. There are some times when we simply go with her wishes if mommy is around and this is one of those times. Sometimes, no one else can make it better like mommy can. Best of luck to you!
posted 03/01/2007 by a BabyCenter Member
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I have watched many different peoples children, all raised differently with different characters. For some of the kids who were acting as you described, it was just a phase, for others it was all in the approach. Instead of asking who they want to make lunch or whatever, say "Daddy is going to ..." or "Daddy's turn to..." Especially if they're home all day with mommy, they are going to be more inclined to gravitate towards mommy. I have come across a few cases where the child simply was following mom's example that dad isn't capable. You may not even realize this is what you're doing. It could look like always correcting dad in front of the kids, especially when it comes to stuff concerning the kids and their routine, it could be that dad isn't allowed to "lead" the family (when the kids ask where are we going mom is always the one to answer, etc.). This isn't usually on purpose but kids can pick up on it. Try saying something like "what does dad say?" or "honey why don't you..."
posted 03/11/2008 by AnMDy
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I am the mother of an almost 3 yr old girl and I remember well when my daughter began the "No, I want Mommy to do it." We both work full time and she is with my mother in law all day, plus my husband didn't begin an active role in her caretaking until she was over 1 1/2. I can only offer advice on what I have experienced and hope that it helps. 1) Never ask the child to allow the other parent to assist them when they are not in a good mood (tired, hungry, etc.) because they need to be nutured at that moment and not pushed over the limit. 2) Always ask the child if it would be ok with them if the other parent does the task, it puts them in control ( Mommy has wet hands right now, would it be ok if Daddy helps you so Mommy doesn't get everything all wet?) 3) If fear is a factor nip it in the butt with quality alone time with that parent. It is often that children are afraid of the unknown, especially if the other parent is around the child less. NEVER allow your child to hear, think, or feel that the other parent is bad or wrong, etc. I once recall a friend telling her son that his Daddy was mad at Mommy and that was why Daddy was leaving and slamming the door. Her son would not go near his father for over a year, because it makes the child wonder if the same would occur. 4) Make a routine for the child and be consistant. If Mommy is at home all day and trying to get dinner ready when Daddy walks in the door, as tired as you both are someone needs to tend to the child and it should be the same parent all the time. Mommy gets the child dressed and feeds in the AM, Daddy gets the child ready for bed and puts her/him to bed. 5) Remember that this is a partnership, just like marriage, everything needs to be divided in perspective and we all need a break! Most importantly remember that the more you express your gratitude to a child for behaving properly or doing things on their own, the less the child will need to come to either of you and thus problem solved. -----
posted 03/30/2006 by mom4talia
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I've had problems like this with my two year old, but it is getting better. What worked for me is, when she wants something done that I can't do right now, I tell her I can't but Daddy can. This works for things like putting a new video on or reading a book. I will only do this if she's in a "normal" mood, not when she's upset or cranky. Now when she really wants something, she'll let him do it for her if I ask. Eventually this made it easier for her to accept requests coming from Daddy. Over the last month or two, she's really "warmed up" to him, and asks about him when he's not here.
posted 10/07/2005 by jennybou
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8 out of 8 found this helpful

Young children's desire for one parent over another is so absolutley normal. I am a mother of 4 with our last on the way and as hard as it is from time to time to hear, "Daddy, not Mommy!!!" - it is welcomed openly in our house-I often need the break. Unfortunetly - it is mommy they want most often. At one point in this pregnancy I just COULD NOT handle the stairs at bedtime and Dad HAD to do it. He made it so special with his laptop and singing songs from the internet that our 1 and 3 year olds were hooked. Daddy - kids' music - playtime - and all upstairs in their own rooms....they were truly Daddy's princesses! Daddy time is the key in our house to them "warming up" again to him after working excessive hours during a bad week. Good Luck!!!
posted 10/24/2006 by a BabyCenter Member
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6 out of 6 found this helpful

We tried alternating nights of putting to bed, but if I'm in the house, my 2.5 yr old only wants mommy. I have to actually leave the house for her to let daddy do it. Then we joined a little Mommy&Me music class, Kindermusik, on Saturdays and Daddy takes her. It's my time to be alone, and they bond. I meet them after the class for lunch/errands. It has brought them together a little more. She feels a little more comfortable with him. I've found the more he does to meet her basic needs (his "job" in the morning is to get her milk sippy cup and bring it to her and he gets thanked with a hug!), the nicer she is to him. It's hard, though, b/c he travels and when he comes home from a trip we have to start all over.
posted 06/07/2006 by Kady32
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It's nice to know my husband is not alone, but it doesn't make it any easier. My 2 year-old has always favored me over my husband, but it's getting much worse. She and my husband went away for a week to visit his parents. Things were great during that week, but then they came home. Ever since their return, my daughter doesn't want anything to do with Daddy (even though, she does ask for him). When she asks for him, I give her to him and she fights and cries. He'll try to hug her and do things for her, but she doesn't want any part of it. It's really hurting my husband and he thinks she hates him. It's really frustrating on my end too, to see how much she's hurting him. I am a working Mom and he a working (traveling) dad. He spends time with her when he's home (when she'll let him.) I don't get it. I just hear from everyone that it will pass, but I'm beginning to wonder. Any advice would be appreciated.
posted 11/20/2006 by MicheleFronheiser
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No such thing as a universal answer of course, as each child is different. But here's what I notice: To enhance popularity - Affectionate tone of voice, lots of one-on-one playtime (heaps of resources avail. for kiddy game ideas in books/web), lots of specific praise, especially praising child to the other parent in front of child, heaps of smiles, bedtime stories about unpop. parent and child going on adventures together, esp. where child helps parent out of a jam, pictures of child and parent having fun together printed and on wall, reviewing home movies of same, bribery (make it a better experience for child when the unpop. parent does the task), encouraging child to help parent out because they 'need' child to do some task, shared learning/adventure activities, lavish praise of all loving/generous/thoughtful actions. To avoid: Unsmiling face, impatient/irritated tone, unpredictable discipline, harsh criticism, frequent correction, big reactions to favouritism, power struggles.
posted 02/04/2008 by MsBerecca
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3 out of 3 found this helpful

My 3rd is now 1 yr old, and I have gone through this with my first 2 - and I fully expect to go through it with my newest. I finally accepted that I was not going to like this child very much for a few months (1 yr. for my 2nd - LOL). I continued on as I had before, with hugs and kisses and providing the same care, and eventually they came back to me. Now, my 2nd is all about Mommy and doesn't want Daddy. Yes it is frustrating, but I tell him you just gotta keep going! Like a bulldozer, you gotta go through the crap to get to the good stuff.
posted 08/08/2006 by keepgoing
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My 3 yr old will not readily go with her dad, she wants me to particpate in everything she does, and her dad will ask her to join him in the shed to fix ;stuff; and she loves the idea, then asks me to come to! Before I even get the words "sorry but I am cooking right now but daddy wants to play:she is crying, hanging off my leg, and asking for a dummy!I go out 2 nights a week, swimming and dancing and those nights I have to leave her crying as she refuses me to go anywhere without her.Its better to just go than to give in and stay because it stops the crying because otherwise I would probably go insane. I think the more funloving their dad is, the better the reaction you will get when they have to spend time together, eg, she happily goes with friends and family members, without me, and they all have one thing in common, they love to interact with her and make things fun, without showing that they cant be bothered, or they are tired or only give half of their attention, as children pick up all these signs and know if that person is fun to be with or not!
posted 02/04/2007 by Renee,stressed out!
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