How You Doin? Love is the Answer


I live in L.A., so it’s not uncommon to see celebrities going about their daily business. A few months back I saw Fabio at a local Sushi restaurant. Sure, I acted cool, because that’s what we natives do. But I’ll bet you dollars to doughnuts that everyone, right alongside me, wanted to scream, “I can’t believe it’s not cooked fish!”

Last week, as I was typing this column at my favorite pizza joint, in walked Paris Hilton with Benji. She immediately scurried to the outdoor patio so she could review headshots in peace. I couldn’t help but wonder if she wanted to be so incognito why she wore sunglasses the size of John Tesh's head and a muumuu with colors that could render Stevie Wonder blind all over again. But no, I didn’t look. Nor did I ask the waiter, "Is that Paris Hilton?!” “Oh yeah,” he muttered with a “Whatever attitude,” later fixing his hair behind the pastry window when he didn't think I was looking.

One of my more fun sightings was to see Joey from Friends in the organic Whole Foods Market. Sadly, my ass bumped into him first, and then my friend whispered excitedly, pointing him out to me, “How you doin?”

A catch phrase from the show, I always assumed my husband was talking about Matt LeBlanc when he’d reference that phrase at home. I should have known better. Rex was simply repeating the words he'd heard from the guys at work. And it wasn’t a nod to a popular TV character, but instead to an oversized female character played by Eddie Murphy named Rasputia in the short lived Norbit.

We saw Norbit tonight. Not only was it one of the most tasteless movies I’ve seen in a long time, it also reminded me once again that, deep inside my grown up computer geek, lives a sex starved, silly, fart joke loving 12 year old boy.

Yes, the movie made fun of large women. Yes, the movie had a script with the depth of a kiddie pool at the Hollywood Inn. Yes, I spent most of the viewing wondering how a woman the size of Thandie Newton could even support clothes on such a teeny tiny little frame. But seeing my husband chuckle like a choir boy at some ridiculous, over the top bits, made it completely worth it.

I’m embarrassed to admit this (but I'll do it anyway in front of the nation anyway because I simply have no shame) that despite how shallow this film was, there were a few places that made me misty.

At one point in the movie, Norbit, a nerdy man still in love with his childhood sweetheart, stands in at a wedding rehearsal for her soon-to-be husband, played by Cuba Gooding, Jr.. When Norbit has to tell her why he (pretending to be Cuba’s character) wants to marry her, he waxes poetic about how just being with her makes him content. How he only wants to exist to make her happy. How she basically makes his life so gosh darn livable that every other tiny little detail is forgotten in the midst of her beauty.

As I watched this scene unfold, I thought, “That’s what I want! I want my husband to adore me like Norbit adores Kate! I want to be his everything – all the time! I want to make his days and nights worth living!”

Of course while I was melting, my husband found it the perfect time to take a pee break.

As I paused the movie and waited for him to return, I was snapped back to reality once again. So what if Rex doesn't talk to me like a scene from a movie. Without a doubt, he loves me. In fact, he not only says it, he shows it with his daily dedication to me and the kids. On occasion, he'll even pull out something overly romantic from his bag of tricks. Last week it was a new memory card for my hard drive. Last month? A zit popper from Fry’s Electronics. That was sure special.

But in general, Rex is not an onscreen leading man. Heck, Norbit isn’t an onscreen leading man! He's a character! And yet, like I venture to say about most women, I get sucked into the fantasy every single time.

If I can find myself comparing my marriage to onscreen characters resembling cartoon creations, I can only imagine that we women are hardwired for love. What other explanation is there for sitting through a juvenile fart fest with our adolescent husbands every so often? As Jimmy Durante says way better than I ever could, “Love is the answer... someone to love is the answer...”

Durante might not get the screen time of Norbit, but I'm thinking he was right on the money.