St. Patrick's Day is upon us, and we are all doing our best to honor this magical drunken saint. But it's not just humans who get caught up in the St. Patty's spirit. Today, everybody's drunk!

Microsoft Paper Clip Man:
Hey. HEY!! Looks like you're writing a list! Hahahhaha. Want help with your LIST? What kinda list is it? Hey. What kinda list? Are you gonna write a list about how many gays you had sex with? I bet that's the list. Hey. Hey. Need help writing a letter? I bet you do. I bet you wanna write a letter about, to your boyfriend. It'll be like "Dear Boyfriend, I wanna hug you and kiss you on the tongue. Blah blah blah." Hey let's get in a fight! Stop! Don't close me! I need to get into a fight! Point to somebody, I'll punch them. I don't f*cking care. I'll punch them in the neck.

GPS Navigational System:
Hard left… coming up… In 100 feet. Movie theater up ahead… Just… Make a right in 20 feet… Great… Since you're here, there's this super good pizzeria coming up. Come on just get it! Ughhh pizza tastes sooo goddamn good when you're drunk. Come on! Look! I can see inside! There's no line!! It'll take two seconds, come on! The movie doesn't start for twenty minutes. Please! I'll shut up if you get me pizza, I swear! Fine I'm not gonna tell you how to get there until you get a slice of pepperoni and mushroom and put it under my hood! Pizz-a! Pizz-a! Pizz-a! Pizz-a! Pizz-a! Pizz-a! Pizz-… YAY!!!!! You're such a good guy. This guy's a good guy. Ugh. Pizza. So good.

MovieFone Guy:
Hello! Welcome to MovieFone! Dude, you HAVE to go see this Will Ferrell movie.
No, I'm telling you dude, you gotta see this Will Ferrell movie. It's sooooo goddamn funny. There's this one part where-
No seriously hold on I just want to tell you about this one part. Will Ferrell is getting ready to fight a kangaroo and
Why you gotta be like that dude? I'm trying to be cool and you gotta come and start some
Fuck Y—

The Voicemail Lady:
Please enter your password, then press pound. “182 pound?” What is that, like, are you saying that’s what I weigh? Take it back you little slut, I mean it. You want to hear more options? This little bitch wants to hear more options. Press 69 now. I’m serious, just do it. Hahaha she did it! Look at this anorexic little ho-bag. Oh, you want to record a message. You ain't got a man. Okay, wow. No, I’m fine, I promise. Stop, get away. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. At the tone, please record your blleeEEAARRGGHHhh. Whoa. I’m sorry. When you’ve finished recording, get my hair outta my face I’m bleh, bleh, bleh, blleeEEAARRGGGHHhh. To leave a callback number, press 5.

Special thanks to Jeff Rubin and Dan Gurewitch for being my co-drunk writers.