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Old 03-29-2014, 11:50 AM   #1397
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Join Date: Jul 2005
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The Tools of the Hunter
Darth Insidious

Post Imperial era on Coruscant: We don't need no stinkin' tools

An interesting concept, that by being in the right location, a Sith could hurt every Jedi on the planet...

The Legendary Zhuge Liang XII

Continuation of the previous piece: Beggar So has some problems.

We're still having word usage problems. When the confrontation with Tang's man begins the entire paragraph has to be rewritten so:

The man tries to kill So with his sword, but So blocks the sword with his pipe and then punches the pipe into the man's face thrice. He then gets up and gives two powerful back kicks to the man's stomach. The man tries to attack again with his sword, but So jumps in the air, dodging the sword attack, lands behind the man and hits him very hard on the head with the pipe, causing him to fall on the ground. The man tries to get up, but So grabs him and throws him into his house. As the man's body hits the wooden wall of the house, he loses his consciousness.

You strike a man in the part of the body, and throw yourself into the air, not on it.

I am unsure what you mean when describing Magnayara's robe. If it is layered, you mean tiered, and if it is ripped you mean torn. You also mean kick into stomach, since you left that out. You also slash a person thrice, not slash thrice person. You also kick a person twice, not kick twice a person. When he kills Omar, he should throw a powerful kick in the throat, not on it. You punch into a man's chest, not on it. And it is dodged his attacks with great difficulty, not with great difficulty his attacks.

Describing the sword makes some sense, but you are using uncommon terms, so the reader is forced to look back to see what portion of the sword is being used. The same is true with a European sword, but you don't describe a sword fight by saying his foible (edge between the tip and the forte, or strong portion of the blade) was caught by the man's forte, since you block with the strong portion of the blade automatically.

Also, a sword made of a crystal sounds good, you have the problem of harder things being brittle. A diamond, which is very hard is cut using a simpler softer tool to facet it. A properly made combat worthy sword, is much softer than a diamond, yet only shatters if it is hit at the wrong angle.

The piece doesn't appear to have anything to do with the basic storyline. It is like following say the old movie Magnificent Seven, and having some man who wants to prove he is better challenging one of them after they arrive at the village. Also, all the kid Tang proved was that he was better than any of his men in single combat, yet needed all three of them to soften up the old man and still failed.

The Legendary Zhuge Liang XIII

Continuation of the previous piece: A chance meeting may destroy the Southland plot

First, you have it listed correctly (City, capitol of location), then in the very first line reverse it. The city is the scene, not the country it is in. It would be like me starting with Nevada, in Las Vegas rather than in Las Vegas Nevada.

You throw at someone, not on them, unless it is liquid or able to move fluidly, like a net, when you would throw it on.

One question, companies of what? If it is a martial arts bar, don't you mean dojos? And in that case, why don't you have them fighting over which school is best? If you walk through a Navy port town, you will find service men of different services drinking in different bars to avoid bar fights.

And no one in their right mind simply draws a weapon to end what is in this case, a simple refusal to pay. Picture this from the Old West:

Joe Blow, who thinks he is tough because he carries a six gun tells the waiter he won't pay. John Q Public who is at the end of the bar walks over, and draws down on him.

What is wrong with this picture? John has taken a simple disagreement and made it a confrontation with possible lethal results. If I were a deputy on the scene I would be aiming at John first, since he is the one who is escalating the violence.

It is an interesting situation. Two people who do not know each other meet, and find an attraction, yet they don't know the woman is promised to the same man.

I am going to stop correcting improper usage simply because we're at episode 13 and you are ignoring my corrections. As I have said too many times to count; find a beta reader.

The Legendary Zhuge Liang XIV

Continuation of the previous piece: The plot goes awry

The Forbidden City in Beijing is only 7,800,000 sq ft, less than one third of a square mile with a wall 2mi 198.00yd long. The Imperial city which also includes the Forbidden city has a wall of only 14 miles in length.

Again with courtesy titles. When writing, you have to remember that the reader doesn't like having to go back and find out what a term means. I know and understand that they are a part of life in a lot of societies, but people who live in those societies are used to it, like a man who is an officer in the Service is used to being called either by his family name or rank by those above him in the chain of command, his given name in close company, and by his rank alone by his subordinates.

As an example, Marshal Matt Dillon from the old Gunsmoke television show would be called Marshal, or Marshal Dillon by most of the people in town, but Matt by his friends.

While getting into the palace is an important mission, don't you think Sun would wonder why his soldiers were killed, and their armor taken?

The attack in the throne room makes no sense unless the general is not only in on the plot, but also completely incompetent. As an historical example, when Thomas Becket, the Archbishop of Canterbury was assassinated, the reasoning given in historical record, is two drunken knights heard Henry II say what we now repeat as 'will someone rid me of this troublesome priest', and proceeded in carrying out what they took to be a command. This is from their own liege lord, not some guest who also happens to be in on the original plot who say, 'we must attack now'. It would be like having a summit meeting between Barak Obama and Vladimir Putin where the British Ambassador tells the head of the Secret Service detachment to assassinate Putin, and the man obeying.

Except for the meeting with Wong, there is no rhyme nor reason to the bar fight that ends the piece. The thugs may think they are tough, but I doubt the two heroes and Wong are the only ones there, and they are obviously too stupid to know who they are facing. It is like the scene from the Chuck Norris movie Code of Silence where two thieves bust into a cop bar and try to rob it.

An interesting twist having the guest order the attack, then cover his own butt by pretending to assist.

The Legendary Zhuge Liang XV

Continuation of the previous piece: The heroes are set up in an assassination

The biggest problem I had with the assassination plot here is that it is obviously contrived. Even with Wong escorting them, there is no way the bodyguards would have allowed two unknown men to enter and meet their leader without a search, and getting in secretly in a society where assassination is the norm would require efforts they would have obviously have noticed. The weapon that inflicted the injuries was Wong's own weapon, or one he had concealed. Furthermore, an assassin would have killed Wong first, then their target, or one would have killed him as the other carried out the assassination.

Look back where I pointed out the situation with the Secret Service. If someone they didn't know were to be escorted in to see the President, they would be cleared for a week or more in advance while the Secret Service and FBI ran full background checks. When you actually walk into the building, you have to pass through a metal detector, and one of the scanners they use in airports to look for non metal items that can be considered weapons. So even a plastic 'CIA letter opener' would not get through.

While I have never seen Olympus Has Fallen, it boils down to replacing people with identities already cleared, (which is not as easy as it sounds) who then arm themselves by taking out the close detail on the President to arm themselves.

The End of the Road
The Angel of Melius Prime

Post KOTOR: Her legacy

It is rare for people to end KOTOR with Revan among the dead. Except for one possible ending, the game really doesn't give you that option. But if she had died heroically on that last mission, I could see the events proceeding as we see here.

Dancing in the Strobe Lights
The Angel of Melius Prime

KOTOR on Taris: A different take on the Sith Party.

Remember conversation breaks,

The piece was amusing with a different twist on what happened at the party. But karaoke? Shades of the Dark side! I suddenly pictured Darth Vader standing on stage, and doing one of those interminable monologue 'songs' William Shatner is well known for.

Journey to Exile

Pre Mandalorian Wars: Revan decides coming to the Council was not why she was on Dantooine...

Minor technical note, Blba trees have thorns to keep the carnivorous slugs as bay.

Technical note, Exile: From what I have read, the Jedi order can best be explained by looking at the Jesuits, originally formed by the pope of that time, and swearing allegiance to each succeeding pope. But following that analogy, threatening exile for anything and everything makes no sense. For a simple breaking of the rules (Falling in love for example) would be like the Jesuits threatening excommunication because you talked back to your superior.

If they exiled you for every jot and tittle, there would be more than the 'lost 22' to count.

Technical note, The Dantooine council's authority: Following the analogy above, you have to remember that the Father General of the Jesuits has offices in Rome even today. Since it is a worldwide organization, just as the Jedi are galaxy wide, it would be the equivalent of a Jesuit in New York flying not to Rome, but to Omaha Nebraska to argue with the senior Jesuit there.

Having her be there to meet the person we will know later as the exile made sense.

A Sticky Situation
Shadows Of The Storm

I originally reviewed this 20 March of 2009 at kotorfanmedia. But it was only a teaser there, so I am reviewing it again here.

Pre Mandalorian Wars: Some fun with crystals...

The piece starts out funny, and I honestly wish I had time to read it all. Having a Padawan and master literally stuck to each other is amusing in it's own right.

The only negative i have is the Arkanian Offshoot business. Someone made a denigrating comment on my Genesis of a Jedi siting the Wookipedia article about the Echani. All well and good, if there had been such an article when it was written back in 05. The explanation of the race used there to me is so much BS. Primarily because an entire race that looks exactly the same works for clones, but not for normally reproducing species. If anyone wants to hear my version of the race, read my works Genesis of a Jedi, and especially the end of chapter 30, where I address it here at fanfiction.

On Being a Sith Lord

KOTOR Aboard and after Leviathan: How do you deal with being an ex-Dark Lord?

The piece has some angst, but you spend more time snickering at the Darth Revan in her head. Giving a slight 'come on' growl when they happen to see Canderous's chest, telling the out person to cry if she wanted Carth to forgive her. And one of the most logical comments about falling to the darkside I have yet heard. 'If love causes you to fall, may all of us fall. But despair is a much quicker path'.

Best of the Week

Starkiller's Rebellion

After TFU I: Seriously injured, Starkiller still has some things to try

The basics are good. The idea that the Jedi and Sith are two sides of the same coin something I explored in my own Genesis of a Jedi. The primary problem with the author's premise that there are things you don't learn because they are more easily abused is that as F Paul Wilson mentioned in his book the Keep, if you don't know what is evil, you will miss it when it returns.

Y St Ace

Post Mandalorian Wars: The mother of the Handmaidens decides

The author posits some interesting views of the Echani society. Wearing red for mourning for example, a will being pretty much a blank document because it is the surviving partner who makes all decisions.

The idea that she notes the half sister because she was not trained as early as her own daughters makes sense in a warrior society.

Eternus Lux AtrumAnimus

Co authored with Ellagne

AU beginning on Taris: Jarah must find Carth and Bastila, and they need her to find their way off planet

It was a unique look at the situation, with Jarah (Who could be Revan, but with another loose woman in it, we're not sure) stuck in a lifepod in the Underlands, and the other being collected from Forn's body and fender shop in the upper city.

A pity I didn't have time, I would like to read chapter two.

Star Wars: The Force Uncaged
Spike the Magic Dragon

TFU II intro: Starkiller's thoughts

This is by my count the third time I have seen these scenes reproduced. You added some of your voice to it, his thoughts hitting as it were the low spots in his life. I would like to say you could have done better, but the problem is, I honestly can't think of how.

Saving Face: Seba Edition

TSL AU aboard Endar Spire: Well that's one way to distract them...

The piece was a bit confusing. I do know that whichever of the guys your female Exile ends up with, there are going to be bad feelings. So getting some alone time, especially aboard ship, is a serious pain in the butt.

Seba succeeds in distracting them. How you may ask? Read it and see.

Saving Face: Mira Edition

TSL aboard Endar Spire: Well that's one way to distract them...

The same scenes, but with Mira instead of an OC.

Pick of the Week

Why Bastila Does the Shopping for the Ebon Hawk

KOTOR About Ebon Hawk: Primarily a list

It isn't really a story, as I mentioned, but the list itself was fun in it's own way.


From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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