Negative reaction towards Gunnar?

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Posted 02/08/2013
I like how in the beginning people were telling OP she wasn't pissed enough and now she's being told she's too pissed. I like the letter and I'd probably send it, but as more experienced ladies have pointed out, it probably will do nothing but throw gasoline on a small brushfire.

I wish I had some helpful advice for you OP, I really do. The most important thing I hope you get out of this is to stand up when the issue is happening and not after because it becomes a very sticky situation. If you don't say anything immediately, offending parties will think you're just going to brush it under the rug and act like nothing happened, so they do the same and tend to get over defensive covering their own ass when you decide that the offense actually did piss you off and go after them.



( . )( . ) Got my gold! 

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Posted 02/08/2013

And OP, I don't think you've endangered your DD. I totally understand your points on that subject. I don't think you're a drama queen, either.

I just don't think you've seen this movie before, KWIM? And I'm sitting here going "Don't go in the basement!"

(Hoping that makes a bit of sense.)


I can tell some people are judgmental just by looking at them.

Posted 02/08/2013
But why own the crap end of the stick? Why not be above the yelling and posturing? Look, we had a knock-down drag out with my ILs years ago. The only thing it accomplished was MIL showing her asshole side, and reaffirmed what DH and I already knew - they were not going to change.

In the years since then, the ILs haven't changed one bit. Every phone call or email is the same entitled crazy that it has always been, and DH and I have been married for 18 years. The way DH and I respond to their attempts at manipulation HAS changed, however. We aren't angry or emotional or even concerned, because their crazy has no bearing on our life. If they want to be foolish, that's fine. We would only have a reaction if they showed up on our property.


wife (1995)  mother to daughters

secular homeschooling, breastfeeding

Lori_Belle · Original Poster
Posted 02/08/2013

Oh no, I get what you're saying.  You weren't the target of that portion of my response, IG. :)

And to reiterate, I AM NOT GOING TO SEND THAT LETTER AS-IS.  But writing it made me feel better. 



@Birth:39w6d, 6lbs1oz, 19"

Posted 02/08/2013

How about,

Dear parents,

My family is taking a break from you and your disrespectful behavior. I will contact you when I am ready to hear your apologies. Contacting me will lengthen the break. Your childcare services are no longer required. You are no longer invited to LO's birthday party. If you show up, the police will be contacted.


Posted 02/08/2013
It is nice to write a vent letter (or 7, in my DH's case). But remember that anything you do send needs to stick to the facts and the consequences. Getting emotional feels good in the short term, but causes more issues in the long run.



wife (1995)  mother to daughters

secular homeschooling, breastfeeding

Posted 02/08/2013
??? WTH? Of course they know its a big deal. It's not as if they did this with you, they EXCLUDED you! The mother!! I am pissed for you. The first birthday cake smashing is a once in a lifetime thing! Major TO for them! Put your foot down now before they celebrate every milestone without you. What completely selfish, narcissistic $@&holes to think they had that right!
Posted 02/08/2013

Hippo from OP:

I will read the whole thing. I had to get it out of me before my I popped a vein in my head.

There is no other boundary stomp that makes me as angry as the super secret covert grandma birthday party!!! 

Those women took this first from you with full knowledge of what they were doing.  They've probably done plenty of other first without your knowledge too.  They're probably planning many more. 

They should not be invited to this birthday party, and probably not to any birthday parties, dependin on their response.  That is how bad their transgression was.  They should never be alone with LO again.  They can't be trusted.



Posted 02/08/2013
OP, I'd pare it down similar to the way a Pp (rachael?) did. I'd eliminate the parts about being an educated adult, about possibly continuing visits later and them being manipulative.

Also, keep it short and to the point. (I'm laughing as I write that because I'm a verbose bore). No one wants to read about their flaws or be accused and while it would be great for them to realize the error of their ways, they will most likely disregard, belittle, twist or somehow otherwise demonstrate and undesirable response.

Pare it down and post a less redundant and emotional response. I know you're angry but you have facts on your side. You don't have to rely on your resentment here.


Mother to one Boston terrier fur baby and two boys.

Last edited 02/08/2013

"I resent the implication that I have placed my parents' desires over my daughter's safety.  They have done nothing to compromise her safety (that I know of), and I have certainly never ALLOWED them to do so, nor have I left her in their care when I thought such a thing was even a remote possibility." 

I don't think that this unhealthy, toxic dynamic was intentionally fostered on your part.  I also don't think it's likely that your DD has been in any physical danger while being cared for by your horrible parents.  However, your father doesn't sound like a nice or respectful *person*. Grandparenting doesn't exist in a vacuum. A person who is incapable of handling difficult conversations about boundaries, expectations, disappointments, and respect is not going to MAGICALLY be a wonderful long term influence on your child.  What happens when your daughter is no longer a baby?  I assume that you are going to raise her according to your values.  That you are going to teach her to communicate her needs and boundaries, that respect is earned, that children are people who should be afforded respect and consideration and not be subjected to every whim and desire of the adults around them.  

What happens when the inevitable clash between your father's expectations, and your parenting takes place? You are an actual, autonomous adult and your father doesn't even respect YOU.  Your daughter's boundaries will be a joke to him. 

If I were you, I would be thinking long and hard about continuing to foster such a close relationship between your LO and a person you know to be explosive and hostile in the face of every "no".  That doesn't mean you have to jump to an immediate CO.  It does mean that you should be honest with yourself about your role in this.  Did you ignore some red flags?  Are you basing some of your decision making on wishes rather than realities?  What are your longterm concerns plans?

What's on your mind?

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