Let's move to ...

... Luton, Bedfordshire

Luton, Bedfordshire

Luton in the February drizzle isn't the most delicious of prospects. It's a town seemingly twinned with the seventh circle of hell. Hence it's top of the flops in the book Crap Towns II: 'Too close to London to warrant building anything approaching what the capital has,' it snips, 'yet just far enough away to offer a sense of other-worldly, neglected isolation.'

Ups No place with Britain's first Arndale Centre can be that bad. Cosmopolitan. Dunstable Downs. Transport links. Cheap.

Downs The shrivelling Vauxhall plant hit it bad. The Arndale Centre: OK, so it ruined the town centre. Crime and some racial tension. People still mentioning Lorraine Chase. Like me.

Getting around Rail: London 30 min/ every 20 min. The M1. The airport.

Schools Not great, though Bushmead primary 'very good' and Denbigh High 'very effective', says Ofsted.

Property Mostly Edwardians and 1930s. Exec detacheds, £400,000-£650,000. Loads of smaller detacheds and semis, £230,000-£370,000; terraces, £110,000-£170,000. Flats, £70,000-£170,000 for lofty swank pads. Watch where you buy: flight paths and rough patches. Agents, such as Haart (01582 417741), around Wellington Street.