Cristela Alonzo

  • Season 2, Ep 12
  • 06/07/2013

Cristela Alonzo enjoys the post-Halloween walk of shame and using the McRib to tell time.

So guys, get this.

A couple weeks ago, I startedusing whitening strips.

And I asked my boyfriendif they were working,

and he looked at me and he said,"Nah, you still look Mexican."

I was like...

"All right. Got it."

You notice that they're...they're putting

security alarmson the whitening strips

so that peopledon't steal them now?

Like, people are stealingwhitening strips.

That's got to be a high-crime,

beautiful-smile neighborhood,you know?

Like, why would you wantto do that?

Why would you wantto make yourself stand out

in the police lineup,you know?

"Do you see the guythat mugged you?"


"The guy with thegorgeous smile, number three,"

you know?

My name's Cristela.

You guys can call me Cris.That's my nickname.

Nicknames are cool.

It's like your friendsare saying,

"Hey, you have a crappy name.

Don't worry.We'll fix it for you."

Girls are very cute at givingeach other nicknames.

They're very adorable,you know?

It's, like, "Hi. I'm Michelle."

"No, you're not. You're Mickey."(chuckles)

Guys are total dickswith each other, though.

You guys will give each othernicknames to things that suck

about that guy, you know?

"Hey, my name's Michael."

"What's up, Sweat Stains? Aah!

"Come on, hang outwith me and my buddies,

"Diabetes and Long Balls.

What's up, man?"

I like having a namelike Cristela, though,

'cause you always knowwhen you're talking about me

'cause it's different,you know?

I feel bad for people that have

really common nameslike "Jennifer."

Jennifer is a great name,

but I know, like, 12 of them,you know?

When you have a namelike Jennifer,

you got to take careof yourself.

'Cause people are gonna startusing words to describe you.

You want the good wordslike "pretty, funny, smart."

You don't want the bad wordslike, "Hey, you know Jennifer?"

"Which one?"

"Mustache Jennifer.

She's Fat Tina's little sister."

Like, "Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're good people,good people."

(audience whooping)


Geez, is thisa group outing?

My God.

I have a theory--I don't smoke weed--

I have a theory: If your lifesucks, don't smoke weed.

'Cause when I was in college,I got high one time,

and when I got high,everything slowed down.

The last thing you needwhen your life sucks

is to put that suckerin slow motion.

When you're sober and you'reunemployed, you're unemployed.

But when you're highand you're unemployed,

you are un... em... ployed.

I say,if your life sucks, drink,

because if you drink,you might black out,

and that's likea fast-forward button.

That's what you want.

I like when I drinkand black out,

'cause the next day,I always feel like I'm in

my own CSI episode, you know?

Looking for clueseverywhere I go.

"What the...?


"Taco Bell...

"Mountain Dew...

Who the hell is that?"

When I was younger, though,when I turned 21, I was stupid.

I got a DUI. That sucked.

Got to the part of the testwhere they're like,

"Walk in a straight line."

I was like,(giggles): "Not tonight.

"Should've caught melast night. I was sober."

It was at that

part of the test, though,where I wished I was a gymnast,

'cause I don't think a gymnasthas ever gotten a DUI,

'cause these chickshave balance.

Like, no matterhow drunk they are,

they can always walkthat straight line, you know?

(slurring):"Yeah, officer...

"sure, I can walka straight line.

No problem."



Here are your keys."

That was the dumbest thingI've ever done.

I'm a very responsible person.

Like, when I have sex,I have safe sex.

When I have sex,I wear a helmet...

I set up traffic cones,I direct traffic.


Very safe, very safe.

I have a boyfriend. Uh,we've been together for years.

When we first started dating,he asked me that question:

"How many guyshave you slept with?"

And I said, "Three."


Uh, no, it's true.

I've only slept with three.

I don't know how manyI've (bleep), but...


I've only slept with three.(laughs)

Ask the right question, stupid.




I do have a white boyfriend.

I don't mean to brag, but...

I love it!

Oh, I love havinga white boyfriend.

He makes me feel like I'm white

by association, man.

I get pulled over by a cop,I just point

to the passenger seat.

I'm like, "I thinkI'm getting a warning."


I love it!

He's been teaching meto do white things

I didn't know were possible,like talk to a supervisor

when things are unsatisfactory.

I didn't knowyou could do that, man.

Brown people don't do that.

We went to eat a burger, theburger sucked, he complained.

Two weeks later,gift card at my apartment.

White people,you don't understand.

To me, you're like superheroes.

You can do things I can't do.

White Guy: the powerto walk through Nordstrom

without being followedby security.

I love it!

You guys are awesome.

I'm a tomboy.

I grew up with brothers,you know.

Not very girly.

I love being a tomboy, though.

My favorite thing to doon the weekends is go outside

and watch the girlsthat are wearing, like,

the tight clothes.

Like, in the high heels,walking around, you know,

trying to look sexy.

It's like they're saying,"Oh, yeah.

Come and get it."

Worst time of the yearjust passed months ago.

Halloween, that'sthe worst time, you know?

'Cause the girls dress up in,like, the little

costumes, you know?

It's like, "Mmm...

"I'm a sexy French maid.


I can't do that.

I'd just look like a maid.


That's the last thing I needfor me to try to turn

my boyfriend on-- he's like,"Look who's doing some cleaning.

"All right.

Here's my laundry."

I hate Halloween, you know.

My favorite day is the dayafter Halloween.

'Cause that's when you see allthe sexy girls in the costumes

doing the walk of shameback home-- I love it.

'Cause the sexy kittenisn't sexy anymore, you know?

She's got a broken ear.

The sexy bunny...

the bunny is missing a tail.

They look likethe abused pet commercials

from the Sarah McLachlan,you know?

Like this...


This sexy cat lost its tailbanging a pirate.

You know?

I do like a lot of music.

I can't get into half of rapnowadays, you know?

Half of rap sucks, you know?

'Cause it's alwaysthe same thing.

Like, rap songs, all the guyswant to do is brag

about all the cool stuffthey own, you know?

"I got a Bentley,I got a Ferrari."

Who cares?

If I was a burglar, though,

I would do nothing but listento rap music all day long,



I'm stealinghis house tomorrow, yeah."

All rap songs are the same--it's always a guy

promising women expensive thingsthey can't afford, you know?



You think... I mean, really.

Do you think I wantdiamond rings?


I need to pay my cable bill.

I mean, if rapperscould lower their standards

and promise meeveryday things I could use,

you better believe I would bethe first woman in line

to take 'em up on their offer.

Jay-Z would be up onstage



"I'll sleep with youfor a tank of gas!

"It doesn't even haveto be premium!

I just need to go home."

Gas is expensive.

I am a tomboy. There's certainthings I like to do

that are kind of girly, though.

Like I likegetting my nails done.

Here's the thing, though:I hate small talk.


they ask you these questions.

They don't careabout the answer.


I was at a nail salon.

This woman's doing my nails,and she's like,



I've got two choices:



So I was like...

"I'm Indian,"

thinking that's it, right?

"Oh, what part of India?"



"Guatemala? I have...


"What's the weather likein India?"

I'm like, "Oh, my God.I don't know.

I'm lying, all right?"

So I'm thinking,screw it, I'm gonna lie.

I'm gonna leave. I'm nevergonna see her again, right?

So I'm like,"It's snowing in India."

I have no clue, right?

So I leave, thinkingI'm never gonna see her again.

Guess what.

She does amazing nails.

So I have to go back to her.

So for the next six months,every time I go,

I have to study...

one to two hours on India

because the questionsare getting harder

and harder and harder.

Finally, after six months,she's like,

"Ooh, what's the major exportof India?"

"I don't know!

"Look, I can't do thisanymore, okay?

"I'm not Indian; I'm Mexican.

I'm Mexican!"


You pay with debit card.I'm just messing with you."