Draining cats and dogs: plumbing the depths of newspaper comic strip films

It's a dire genre – witness Bill Murray's nadir in Garfield 2 – but with Dilbert in production, what next? Your suggestions, please
Will Dilbert suffer a similar fate to Garfield in its translation to the screen? Photograph: Public Domain Public domain

Films based on TV shows are one thing. Films based on video games are another. But films based on newspaper comic strips are unquestionably the worst thing in the entire world. There's literally nothing worse than a film based on a newspaper comic strip. Literally.

They're the sort of thing that can decimate legends. The only thing stopping Garfield from being the lowest point of Bill Murray's career is the sequel Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties. And even though it was only 13 minutes long, 1985's Rupert and the Frog Song was enough to single-handedly transform Paul McCartney from an incomparable musical genius to a mulleted thumbs-aloft twit. Unequivocally speaking, only a fool would make a film out of a newspaper comic strip.

And that's partly why it's so surprising that a Dilbert movie is going into production. According to reports, Ken Kwapis of He's Just Not That Into You and The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants fame has signed on to direct a live-action adaptation of the Scott Adams comic strip. It's also surprising because a) Dilbert crossed over from being funny and relevant to the sort of thing that your annoying co-worker pins to the side of his cubicle to mask his obvious lack of personality about 13 years ago and b) Office Space already exists.

History informs us that Dilbert probably won't be very good. Nor will this summer's Marmaduke adaptation - an unholy mess that combines the storyline of Marley & Me, the technology of Beverly Hills Chihuahua, the unique acting sensibilities of Fergie from Black Eyed Peas and the tolerability of Alvin & the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel. What's interesting, though, is that both Dilbert and Marmaduke are being produced by Tariq Jalil – a man apparently determined to lead a resurgence of slightly substandard films based on newspaper comic strips. So what should be next on Jalil's hit list? Here are my suggestions ...


It's ridiculous to think that the most famous newspaper comic strip of all time hasn't yet been made into a modern-day movie. Yes, there have been old films and TV specials based on Peanuts, such as A Boy Named Charlie Brown and A Charlie Brown Christmas, but they won't hold up against today's animated output. What we need is a breakdancing CGI Snoopy, Vince Guaraldi's melancholy soundtrack jettisoned in favour of a Eurodisco remix of a Justin Bieber song and a Woodstock that farts.

Love Is ...

Admittedly it might be a hard sell to make a family-friendly adaptation of a single-frame, context-free drawing of two naked married toddlers who don't have any genitals – but it's the brand that's important, not the content. So we'll bung both characters in clothes, ditch the gloopy romanticism in favour of breakdancing and ephemeral pop culture references and make the male character accidentally eat his own poo in the trailer, just like Theodore did in that hilarious Alvin & The Chipmunks remake. What's not to love?

George & Lynne

Let's break from tradition here. There should be no CGI in the adaptation of The Sun's comic strip – just a man and a woman who take their clothes off and trade such a never-ending succession of tired, joyless banalities about the gender divide that the audience becomes so desensitised to the sight of human sex organs that they permanently lose all sense of libido and ultimately bring about the downfall of humanity.

Of course, there are thousands of other newspaper comic strips around. Which ones would you like to see turned into films? The Far Side? Calvin and Hobbes? That rubbishy new Twilight rip-off in The Sun? Your suggestions below, please.