Behind the Scenes at All-Star Weekend

By: timbersfan , 1:17 AM GMT on March 01, 2012

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The NBA All-Star Weekend took me back to my freshman year in high school. When you arrive on campus, you think you're the man. You dominated junior high, you had a killer summer at camp, and you've officially come into your own. The braces are off, you've just started doing pushups at night, you held a girl's hand at the movies once, mom started letting you shop for yourself at Marshalls, and all signs point toward a growth spurt.





So here we go.

Probable quotes/conversations in italics.

Friday Night: BBVA Rising Stars Challenge

Shaq: Hi, little fella.
Jeremy: Hi, Shaq.

Shaq: Why you playing with these little kids?
Blake: I got to, man, it's part of the deal.
Shaq: OK, well get me three oops in the first five minutes and I'll sit you till the end.
Blake: Thanks, man.


9:19 p.m. Mascot puts a cheerleader in Shaq's lap:


9:32 p.m. Jeremy Lin's parents are caught on the Kiss Cam texting and never react:
Mom: Jeremy is playing horribly.
Dad: I think we're on the Kiss Cam.
Mom: Don't you dare look up.
Dad: It's getting awkward. Everyone's laughing. Just listen.

Wale: I'm so elated.
Meek: Does Ross know we're courtside?
Wale: No, but I charged these on his card and am hoping he doesn't check his bank statement.
Meek: We're screwed if he finds out.

Meek: Hi Rozay. Yeah, I didn't know they were courtside, either. Wale got them, sir. I'm sorry. OK, we'll see you Monday. Bye, boss. BOSS.

Deron Williams: That dude sucks.

Blake's thoughts: I am so awesome.


Deron Williams: What did I say? He's the worst.


Spike: How you get these tickets?

9:05 p.m. Russell Westbrook and the kid he was "playing for":
Russell Westbrook and kid: [No conversation.]

9:10 p.m. Tony Parker and the kid he was "playing for":
Tony Parker and the kid: [No conversation.]

Westbrook: When is this over?
Parker: Hahahaha.
Parker: Hehehehe.
Westbrook: What hotel you staying at?
Parker: Bahahahaha.


To the right of the crew are The Decision Kids and to the left are The Money Team. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, this would be a good time to close this blog post.

Turner: Well, I, um … So it's funny, you know.
Money Mayweather: Don't look at me, ever again.

No eye contact (not to be a spoiler, but this doesn't change for the rest of the night).


9:58 p.m. Durant teaches Money Mayweather a handshake:
Mayweather: So it's bap bap and then salute?

9:59 p.m. "Bap bap bap and then salute" becomes official Grantland handshake.


Deron: I think you're in my seat, my man.
Decision Kid 1: Nope.
Deron: OK.


We know you ain't got no friends. Get in this Money Team.

10:15 p.m. Jacoby points out that the mascot Benny the Bull is the meanest, rudest creature ever created. He's right.

Money: Aight, so y'all down with me and the Money team?
Westbrook (answering for both): Yes, we're down.
Money: OK. First assignment: Get me and 50 some bags of Cooler Ranch Doritos from the vending machine. You've got two seconds.

Sunday Night: The NBA All-Star Game

La La Vazquez-Anthony: Girl, you look good.
Gabrielle Union: Girl stop, you know I don't.

7:09 p.m. Weezy and Orlando Magic Mascot:
Wayne: fas;ldkfja;ldfja
Mascot: asldfjasldfja;ldf

Mary: It's such an honor to meet you, Mr. Russell.
Bill: And you, the same. Who are you?
Mary: Mary J. Blige. I'm a singer. I'm actually singing the national anthem.
Bill: Did you win one of those shows?

7:21 p.m. Kobe and Chris Paul:
Kobe: I'm dropping 40.
CP3: You better get yours before Westbrook gets in.

LeBron: We're walking out to "I'ma Boss." Let's go ham.
Wade: In.
Howard: Yay.
Melo: Lehgo.
Rose: No.

7:28 p.m. Walk out. LeBron and Dwight yell "2 CHAINZ" and are dancing. Melo and Wade join in. Jason Bourne Derrick Rose waits, stone-faced, for his next instructions.

[No conversation, yet.]

7:31 p.m. Drake and Wayne:
Drake: Can I stand on this chair?
Wayne: [No response.]


Russell: How are you, Derrick?
Rose: Thank you for all you've done for the sport, Mr. Bill Russell.

Kobe: What up, boy. [Chest beat.]

Actually, I'm just remembering it was mouthed. Still haven't used my ears.

7:49 p.m. Drake and Wayne: Still no conversation yet. Further evidence they aren't actually friends.


LeBron: Last night was mad real.
Dwight: Sunglasses and Advil.

Wayne: Take my glasses.
Neighbor: OK.



8:03 Ne-Yo finally speaks to date:
Ne-Yo: I'm Ne-Yo.
Ne-Yo's date: I know.
Ne-Yo: That's cool.

Dwight: Orlando in the building.

Wayne: Graaaawwwwwl

Side note: In addition to the Black NBA Illuminati, there's the Black Celebrity Illuminati. Will get into that later.

Drake: Young Moolah Baby.
Wayne: Young Money Bitch.
Drake: Toronto stand UP.
Wayne: N'Awlins.
Drake: Ahhhhhhhhhh.
Wayne: Ughhhhhh.
Drake: Hoes.
Wayne: Birdman.

Wayne singing: "Bad dreams in the night. They told me I was going to lose the fight. Leave behind my wuthering, wuthering, wuthering heights."

[No words.]

8:15 p.m. Spike looks like Diane Keaton.


LeBron: Ahhhhhh, you see that?
Derrick Rose: [Hands behind back, sweating, because he wasn't programmed to respond to the cookie challenge and knows he shouldn't celebrate, but loves cookies.]


Wayne singing: "Hey ladies. When your man wanna get buckwild. Just go back and hit 'em up style. Put your hands on his cash and spend it to the last dime. For all the hard times."


8:24 p.m. Mascot skit with Chumbawamba's "Tubthumping." They fall at "I get knocked down."
Cee Lo: Haha.
Travie McCoy: Point and haha.
Kevin Hart: Stands up and haha.
Drake: Laughs, looks at Wayne, stops laughing.

8:27 p.m. Moment of the weekend: I reach across body and catch a T-shirt that flies over A-Rod's head without even standing. I get love from my section, and A-Rod turns around and flashes his second smile of the night. That happened. Moving on.


8:50 p.m. Halftime — Pitbull/Chris Brown.

8:51 p.m. A-Rod knows his Pitbull.


8:48 p.m. A-Rod and CC Sabathia acknowledge each other, but still, no words. It's like they know I'm right there, taking notes right behind them.

Common: Yo man, it's all about love. Let's squash this.
Common: I hope you learned your lesson.
Drake: What?
Common: I'm crazy, son.

Wolf: Where'd you get that Louis Vuitton hat and scarf set?
Guy: Yo man, you know I can't tell you that.
Wolf: Oh my bad, no disrespect, I'm just trying to finish the winter out in style.

Steve: So you know they're not going to pass it to you, Dirk.
Dirk: I know. Will you pass it to me?
Steve: Of course I will. We've got to stick together.
Dirk: Wait, what are you talking about?
Steve: You know …
Dirk: No Steve, what are you trying to say?
Steve: Never mind, just look for the pass.

9:09 p.m. Kevin Hart and Benny the Bull:
Kevin Hart: Get out of my seat.
Benny the Bull: I'm going to kill you, Kevin Hart.

Russell: What are we doing?
Dwight: It's our new handshake.
Russell: I don't like this.
Dwight: No Bill, it's cool.
Russell: I don't like you.


Rabbi: Hi, I'm your wife's rabbi. I bet you didn't know your wife had a rabbi.

Actually, Abrams heard it because I was too busy staring at A-Rod's girl, but yes. It happened and I'm still quoteless.


9:39 p.m. Benny the Bull touches a Gym Class Heroes member's mohawk, then wipes residue on someone else. Wayne laughs. Mohawk guy doesn't.

9:53 p.m. Mid-yawn in the quietest arena I've ever been in, I see Drake talking to security guard, making hand gestures:
Drake: Yo, can Birdman Jr. and I please get some nachos? I'm Drake. That's Lil Wayne. Doesn't that mean anything to you?

9:54 p.m. 2 Chainz sits next to Wayne and they're talking:
Wayne: Boi, where ya been where ya been?
2 Chainz: 2 CHAINZ.

2 Chainz: 2 CHAINZ.


10:04 p.m. Benny the Bull takes someone's hat.



Spike: Ref, give me a break.
Ref: You were so good all weekend.
Spike: What'd you expect. I'm Spike Lee, maker of films and other assorted statements.
Ref: Good point.


10:17 p.m. Finally, with 22.8 seconds left in my All-Star coverage, my first actual quote of the weekend. The crowd is yelling "DE-FENSE." At the All-Star game. Unbelievable.


10:20 p.m. LeBron has the ball and with only seconds left decides to pass it. And it's picked off by Blake Griffin.

10:21 p.m. Kobe, in LeBron's ear:
Kobe: I can't believe you passed it.
Kobe: You know I wouldn't have passed it.
Kobe: I would have shot it.
Kobe: Would have gone in, too.
Kobe: Ha. You passed it.

10:22 p.m. Spike is on the court, begging for a lane violation during Blake's second free throw.


10:24 p.m. Play doesn't work. Game over. Weezy is ecstatic.
Weezy: Young Money.

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