How to ...

... have a kid's party
Children's parties are mini-riots kept under control by phenomenal stickiness. Many have themes such as pirates or princesses or robots. Sadly, the Victorian child theme, where they can be seen but not heard, has yet to catch on. For people without children, being caught up in a children's party is an effective method of contraception. For those with children, it provides a frightening insight into what it would be like to have six of them.

Children's party entertainers come in two camps. One is at the peak of their theatrical career, the other at their lowest ebb. Not surprisingly, the former tend to be more motivated. The most exciting entertainment for adults is when Dad tries to be the entertainer. This is like watching Canute in action against an oncoming tide of groin-level mini-punches.

Food is traditionally a saturated fat starter followed by a solid sugar pudding washed down with a glucose drink. This has the same effect on a child as fuel on a rocket. Five minutes after eating, they'll all lift off at great speed with a vast amount of noise. Sadly, this is the exact moment it's time for them to go home. Ideally, children would have the rocket fuel as soon as they arrived at a party and then be put into a holding pen, otherwise known as a bouncy castle, to burn off their energy.

Party games are subtly designed as an introduction to adult life: pass the parcel demonstrates that the good things in life tend to slip though your fingers; musical chairs effectively simulates the adult job market; and grandmother's footsteps neatly illustrates the increasing power of the elderly in society.

The cake is the high point of the party. It used to be lovely homemade sponge with natural ingredients. But it's hard to make a cake in the shape of a laser thruster without using a lot of load-bearing chemical polymers. Fortunately, thanks to school meals, children now have a taste for load-bearing chemical polymers.

When the party's over, all the kids are given (demand) a goodie bag. Essentially, this is a small bag of sugar-based bad parenting that the kids are allowed to take home. It acts as a booster rocket to keep them in orbit well past bedtime. For parents, the only consolation is that their children are still on the right side of cider.

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