Thursday, March 01, 2007

Why I Don't Talk To Ex's

For a long time, I thought everyone just pretty much let ex’s die. This may be because my parents are divorced and I have seen them in the same place at the same time exactly twice in my entire life, so my theory was that once a relationship was over, that person was pretty much dead save for a monthly child support check. But as I have gotten older I have realized that I am actually in the minority as far as avoiding ex’s like a leper with the ebola virus. And while most of my friends don’t quite understand it, I still hold firm to this policy. And here is why:

Nothing good can ever come from hanging around with an ex. Ever. Good sex maybe, but that’s kind of like doing a line of cocaine after you’ve quit. Sure it feels good and is a lot of fun, but sooner or later you realized why you don’t do it anymore and stay the Hell away. Perhaps you can gain a good friend to have for the rest of your life, but more often than not what you have gained is a friend who will secretly be jealous and angry anytime you bring around anyone new you are trying to date. I had a lot of friends before I met you, I really don’t need any more. Those are really the only good things that can come from remaining in contact with an ex. And neither are all that great. Now let’s discuss the negatives.

No matter how much you tell yourself you are over somebody, you never really are. So seeing them with somebody else, even if you have completely moved on, will still be a little tough. And do you really want to hear about the great sex your ex is having with someone else? Or the great times they are having? I mean, a good friend talks about those things, right? No, definitely not conversations I want to have. Its tough to move on with that person in your life, and right now my life is all about moving on.

If you are keeping an ex around, it means there is a part of them you still want to hold on to. Sometimes that part is located inside their underwear. Now while sex with ex’s is a safe way to keep yourself from going crazy while you are single, what happens when you get into a new relationship and your ex does not? You think he or she is going to respect that? I’m guessing no. Chances are they will try and sabotage any new relationship you may want to start. This may be as simple as trying to cut down the new person in your life, or as drastic as making some thinly veiled attempt to “work things out” or maybe just “come over.” Not because they want you back, per se, but more because they don’t want to see you sleeping with anybody else. Then this may lead to you ruining a perfectly good relationship by trying to get back together with your ex who, as you may remember, you broke up with for a reason.

I also tend to compartmentalize people. So if you fall into the “sex partner” category, whether you are a booty call or a full-blown girlfriend, once you are out of that category I can’t really see you as anything else. When I see you my natural instinct is going to be to try and have sex with you. If we are broken up, chances are we are not having sex anymore, and therefore it makes interactions awkward. Since they usually ended with us naked and now they do not.

Don’t get me wrong. Even the worst of my ex’s I really harbor no ill will towards. Most I downright like and wish them the best in life. But feelings linger, and as long as I am in regular contact with an ex life cannot move on. I am not a jealous person in relationships, but afterwards I absolutely cannot handle seeing someone I’ve dated with anyone else. And so I know to just stay away as much as possible. There is no temptation to show off or look good, no inclination to try and “best’ your ex to look like the “winner” and no awkward moments when you have to meet their new significant other. I like my life ex-free, and I suppose it doesn’t hurt all but one live in LA. But after years of dating and minimal encounters with old girlfriends I have come to the conclusion that closure is overrated and friendship is reserved for people you haven’t slept with. Probably why I hang around so many dudes.

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At 8:25 AM, Blogger aikin said...

my ex-wife (with whom I am still in contact-go figure) used to ask me why I wasn't friendlier to ex-girlfriends we would occasionally run into. My answer was that if I still liked them, we'd still be seeing each other.

I tend to compartmentalize too - no doubt as a result of my upbringing, but I never really saw the point in continuing a friendship with someone I couldn't get along with. And I agree - I really don't want to hear about how great a lay her new boyfriend is.

At 2:46 PM, Blogger RAYNOK the EGGMAN said...

I just ate a whole box of crayons. Hawkman's not my ex, but I back-fingered her twice behind the dumpster at Safeway.

At 7:49 PM, Blogger Dianne said...

The whole EX factor is a bit weird with me.

I stil speak with the guy I lost my virginity to *read first boyfriend* and my current has no problem with the way we pall around (I'm a sadistic so I tend to do things like grab his ear and pull him tward me to speak privately *though everyone can hear what I say* with him and greet him by stepping on his toes and pulling his hair then biting the edge of his lip * usually causing him to bleed*)but I've had problems in the past cause they couldn't take that some things never change.
On the other side, I don't speak with my ex husband and we simply won't be in the same room together unless it's for one of the kids and then there's "this ice wall" as our eldest calls it between us.

I don't think there's a midle gropund there. I can be with A ( the first bofriend or one of the others I get along with) and all is good we're buddies who behave in what society would call "strange ways" or I'm "Stuck in a room" with B (the ex husband and unforgiving former boyfriends who can't stand me or my ways now) and I have to "behave myself" just to avoid a conflict.

For me the relationships that ended "good" were a mater of growing appart in some little annoying way that made it impossable for us to spend alot of time together and the others were just huge mistakes in judgement where we figured "this is nice let's make more of it" when we shouldn't have.

My current lover (I'm nearly 40 so boyfriend seems corny) had a little "jaw dropping incident" when he stepped in on me speaking with an exes new girlfriend and caught us talking about blow job tecniques he (the ex) likes (don't all guys like to have their balls massaged and stuff while being blown?) but he got over it pretty quickly as we made a joke of her being nearly half out age ( she's 23 and was a virgin when the ex met her) and inexperianced.

I want my exes to have great sex with others (it keeps them from thinking about having sex wioth me). I want them to have happy healthy lives after I leave them. When it's braught to my attention that so and so is myserable cause I left him 3 years ago (wich had happened) it makes me sick. How could I have ever been with someone who can't just roll with the punches life delivers? I feel like I had hooked up with super wuss or something.

At 9:34 AM, Blogger ジェネヴィーヴ said...

I completely agree with this. I'm not friends with anyone I've dated. It would be too weird.


I don't think I've ever agreed more with something you've said.

At 10:49 AM, Blogger JEANETTE said...

Its better to leave ex's where they are! In the Past! Where they belong;-)


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