Last year in this space I ran actual quotes from lawyers and witnesses made during official court proceedings. The funny quotes were well received so I thought I print some more today.

Lawyer: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Witness: I only have one, you know.

Accused, defending his own case: Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse? The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to 10 years in jail.

Lawyer: Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?

Witness: There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet.

Lawyer: Can you identify the rifle?

Witness: Yes, there was something written on the side of it.

Lawyer: What did it say?

Witness: Winchester.

Lawyer: Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?

Witness: No. He was wearing a mask.

Lawyer: What was he wearing under the mask?

Witness: Er...his face.

Lawyer: How old is your son, the one living with you?


Lawyer: How long has he lived with you?

Witness: Forty-five years.



Lawyer: And why did that upset you?

Witness: My name is Susan.

Lawyer: Did you blow your horn or anything?

Witness: After the accident?

Lawyer: Before the accident.

Witness: Sure, I played for 10 years, I even went to school for it.

Lawyer: And you check your radar unit frequently?

Officer: Yes, I do.


Officer: Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly.

Lawyer: What happened then?


Lawyer: Did he kill you?

Witness: No.

Lawyer: Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man.

Witness: Thank you, If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment.

Lawyer: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Lawyer: So you were gone until you returned?


Witness: That's me.

Lawyer: Were you present when that picture was taken?

Lawyer: How many times have you committed suicide?

Witness: Four times.

And finally,


Other lawyer: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.