Champions League

Fenerbahce 3 - 0 Manchester United

Tuncay 46, 62, 90

Team news

Welcome one and welcome all. As rubbers go, this one is deader than a parrot in a Monty Python sketch. Manchester United have already qualified for the last 16, while Fenerbahce can't and will have to settle for a place in the Uefa Cup whether they want it or not. If Manchester United match Lyon's result against Sparta Prague tonight, they will win the group. Ronaldo is the only survivor from the Manchester United side that battered Southampton on Saturday.

Meanwhile in Turkey, a combination of injuries and an impending Istanbul derby against Galatasaray this weekend means that coach Christoph Daum is also fielding a something of a reserve team: Pierre van Hooijdonk, Deniz Baris and Kemal Aslan are all missing.

1 min: Manchester United get proceedings underway playing from left to right and immediately lose possession. Unlike Niall Quinn on Sky Sports, I'm not going to try and big up this farce but there is a huge crowd in Fenerbahce's stadium tonight, all baying for some Manchester United blood. The home side play in fluorescent yellow and black striped shirts, white shorts and white socks. Manchester United are in red shirts, black shorts and black socks.

2 mins: Fenerbahce are bossing proceedings early doors, without looking in any danger of socring. Their stroking the ball around the sward between the edge of the Manchester United penalty area and the halfway line. It's kind of hypnotic.

3 mins: Fenerbahce are in terrific form and are breaking all sorts of records domestically, says Big Niall on the telly, who has obviously done more research for this match than I have. I'll happily bow to his superior knowledge. Fenerbahce's left-back Umit Ozat is loking particularly dangerous so far, getting forward to fire in three wayward crosses.

6 mins: Having been penned inside their own half for the first five minutes, Manchester United finally advance into Fenerbahce territory. Selcuk Sahin conedes a free-kick after fouling Liam Miller about 40 yards out. It's played across the field, whereupon Cristiano Ronaldo is fouled by Aurelio and wins another free-kick, on the right flank. Kieron Richardson curls it in to the box, but it's too high for Wes Brown.

10 mins: "Before you get too distracted by that well-coiffed stalker of yours in New York, can you give us some clue today if Liam Miller is any good?" asks Justin Kavanagh. "Despite being a midfielder from Cork, he has yet to show himself as the heir-apparent to you-know-who. Your informed opinion please?"

Well Justin, my opinion probably isn't any more informed than yours, because I haven't seen Miller play very often. However, one of the lads who works in here sometimes had a trial match for Celtic a few years ago and said that Miller, who was also playing, was the best footballer on the field by a mile.

13 mins: Not much in the way of goalmouth action going on at either end here at the moment. Oh, hold on - Quinton Fortune does well to dispossess Alex De Souza after the Fenerbahce striker had darted past both United centre halves and was bearing down on goal. Great defending by the full-back.

17 mins: Free-kick for Manchester United after Quinton Fortune makes a monkey out of Marco Aurelio, creeps in behind him and gets his jersey tugged by way of retribution. Free-kick for Manchester United at the byline, just outside the penalty area. Nothing comes of it.

19 mins: "Miller is a great player. Just give him some time," says Thomas Delaney. I see what you've done there, Thomas, but I'll have to explain it to the rest of the class, who I never tire of patronising: Miller. Time. Honk!

22 mins: Ronaldo is getting his knee sprayed on the touchline, but appears to be okay. A number of you have written to complain about my description of Quinton Fortune's defending as "great", suggesting I'm either lying or, at best, grossly exaggerating. I can appreciate your scepticism, but even a stopped clock shows the right time twice a day. Free kick deep in Manchester United territory for Fenerbahce, wide on the right. It's swung in, but Tim Howard punches clear.

26 mins: Another free-kick for Fenerbahce from much the same position. There's more pulling and dragging going on in the Manchester United box than you'd see in an episode of Strictly Come Dancing. The ball comes in and Manchester United win a free-kick when a Fenerbahce striker jumps near Tim Howard.

29 mins: John O'Shea, the only man from Waterford on the pitch, pushes a somebody in the back, gifting Fenerbahce a free-kick about 30 yards out, just right of centre. Alex De Souza gets it up and over the wall, but Tim Howard was on hand to prevent the ball sneaking inside his left-hand post.

32 mins: Another free-kick for Fenerbahce, wide on the right. It's brilliantly whipped across the edge of the six-yard box, but despite ghosting past two Manchester United defenders, Selcuk Sahin just just fails to get a touch on it.

35 mins: Corner for Manchester United, which Liam Miller sends in from the left, only to see Rustu Recbar punch it clear. John O'Shea concedes another free-kick in his own half, but it's a good 40 yards out.

37 mins: Despite the distance, Alex De Souza has a pop which has the necessary power, but not the accuracy. In a word: wide.

38 mins: Umit Ozat sends in another dangerous cross into the Manchester United penalty area. It beats Wes Brown, but Tim Howard comes off his line and claims it under pressure from Fabio Luciano.

41 mins: Any Manchester United fans out there who fancy a giggle will be interested to hear that Liverpool are losing 1-0 at home to Olympiakos. That breeze you can feel is being created by Roman Abramovich's cheque book being waved in Steven Gerrard's face. Elsewhere in this group, Lyon are beating Sprata Prague 2-0, a result which would see them top the group should United fail to win tonight.

44 mins: Manchester United get penalised inside their own half again, about 50 yards from their own goal. The free-kick ends up being played into the corner, but Onder Turaci fails to keep it in play.


For anyone who's interested: Niall Quinn is wearing a very snug and expensive looking overcoat. It's kind of a browny-purple number which is set off nicely by a cashmere scarf that's dull purple on one side and beige on the other. However, the entire look is ruined by his refusal to unbutton the coat, which means it's gathered up in an aesthetically displeasing fashion around his midrift. Another interesting fact about Niall Quinn: It's not widely known but the greatest goal the Irish man-mountain ever scored was actually in a hurling match, when he was a kid playing for the Dublin minors. A volley from about 35 yards into the top corner, if memory serves me correctly.

45 mins: Fenerbahce get the second half started and a wayward header by Cetin Servet almost lets Ronaldo in. The linesman's flag spares the Fenerbahce defender's blushes.

"I could swear you said you were done until next year once yesterday's Arsenal match ended," says Mike Madden, among others. "What are we to make of your sudden reappearance so soon?" Make of it what you will, Mike. Suffice to say that rumours of me wishing my life away and completely forgetting that there was another clatter of matches tonight have not been greatly exaggerated.

46 mins: Fenerbahce 1 - 0 Man Utd. A fantastic goal from Sanli Tuncay. With a cross from the left from Umit Ozat flying over his head, he swivels on one foot, turns and somehow manages to get his right foot high enough over his shoulder to volley the cross against the Manchester United crossbar from where it bounces over the line.

51 mins: "What is this - Fashion Net?" asks Kevin Brady. "Who gives a fiddler's what Niall is wearing. We want to hear about you and Paula! When's the wedding? I'm thinking you must invite the regular contributors to your online commentary. Can I be best man?"

Don't encourage my transatlantic stalker, please. She's fickle as stalkers go, so she'd probably jilt me at the altar.

53 mins: Manchester United win a free-kick wide on the right after Cristiano Ronaldo - who else? - falls over. Kieran Richardson's delivery is poorer than a work-shy Royal Mail postman's. Moments later, Manchester United miss two glorious opportunities to equalise. Darren Fletcher crossed from the right and the ball came to David Bellion in acres of space about 10 yards out. He dithered over it, chose not to let fly with his left foot and instead rolled a pass to Richardson. The curly-haired midfielder duly hacked his effort well wide of the near post from about seven yards. A terrible waste, especially from Bellion, the Sunderland reject.

58 mins: Manchester United win a free-kick wide on the left, which Ronaldo fails to get past the first man for the 10th or 11th time in this match. I'm actually not exaggerating when I say that I could do better. I'm just as good at falling over as he is too, especially after a clatter of pints on a Saturday night. Come and get me, Sir Alex!

60 mins: Fenerbahce 2 - 0 Man Utd Kieran Richardson concedes a free-kick deep in Manchester United territory, just outside the right-hand side of the penalty area. Totally unmarked, Sanli Tuncay scores his second form about two yards, applying a glancing header to the free-kick which was chipped in from the right.

63 mins: Manchester United substitution: Wes Brown off, Pique on. Personally, if I was Sir Alex Ferguson I 'd have brought Spector on. His trademark "wall of sound" could act as a makeshift defence, thus allowing United to load the midfield and play four up front. Tactics - that's what it's all about. See.

66 mins: "What are you wearing, Barry" inquires Dave Webb in Toronto. Shamelessly. I'm wearing my usual minute-by-minute attire Dave: a maroon crushed velvet smoking jacket, a fez, a monocle, expensive red silk pyjamas and politically incorrect, PETE-unfriendly ermine slippers.

68 mins: Eat my goal! I talk and Sir Alex Ferguson listens: Kieran Richardson makes way for Jonathan "wall of sound" Spector. Richardson's done sod all tonight, but then very few of the reserves on show here tonight have staked any sort of claim for a regualr first team place. Tim Howard's been quite solid and that's about it.

72 mins: Rustu Recbar is forced to make a save after Cristiano Ronaldo pelts down the right wing, cuts inside and finally registers a shot on target for Manchester United. The Fenerbahce goalkeeper has eschewed his ponytail-and-black-smudges-under-the-eyes look of World Cup 2002 in favour of a short-back-and-sides and smudge-free image.

75 mins: Manchester United substitution: Chris Eagles for Liam Miller, who's had a quiet match after being penned back inside his own half for most of it. Meanwhile, the Niall Quinn factasms continue to pour in, and why not? "I don't know about the goal," says Marcus Hatt in Boston. "But did you know that he won a Leinster medal with Dublin and got to the All-Ireland hurling final. Also, did you know that Niall is now playing Junior football for a club in Meath?"

Are you sure it's not in Kildare, Marcus?

79 mins: I've no idea what's going on here, because I've been watching the Liverpool match for the last two minutes. It's not very professional, I'll admit, but you get what you pay for. Sanli Tuncay has a snap shot from distance which Tim Howard smothers in his breadbasket.

82 mins: "If there is a break in the action how about your thoughts on the latest effort by U2?" asks Howard Davies. Do you mean their album or their iPod advert? I have thoughts on both, some of them murderous and dark.

85 mins: Liverpool have gone 3-1 up against Olympiakos, a socreline which would see them through to the last 16. I have lost all interest in the match I'm actually supposed to be covering, but rest assured I'll keep you abreast of any developments as they unravel.

88 mins: Spector sends a speculative cross into the Fenerbahce box, but there's nobody there to do anything with it.

"How easy is it to type with the monocle?" asks the ever practical Daniel Taylor. "Doesn't it keep falling out, or don't you need to look at the keys whilst typing like me?" I stare unblinkingly at a bank of screens in front of me typing my commentary with the use of Jedi mind tricks, Daniel. Doesn't everyone?

90 mins: Fenerbahce 3 - 0 Man Utd Sanli Tuncay completes a wonderful and well0-deserved hat-trick. Fenerbahce broke from their own half, a recently introduced substitute Akin galloped down the right side of centre and crossed to Tuncay, who had the relatively simple task of slotting the ball low past Tim Howard.

90+2 mins: Tuncay is substituted and goes off to a standing ovation. Akin has a shot that beats Tim Howard but is cleared off the line.

90+3 mins: Peep! Peep! Peep! It's over. Lyon win the group, Manchester United are second and Fenerbahce are third. And that's definitely it from me until after Christmas. I hope.

Fenerbahce: 34-Rustu Recber; 2-Fabio Luciano, 3-Servet Cetin, 5-Umit Ozat, 10-Tuncay Sanli, 11-Marcio Nobre, 15-Marco Aurelio, 19-Onder Turaci, 20-Alex de Souza, 21-Selcuk Sahin, 30-Serkan Balci.
Subs: Demirel, Rodriguez, Yozgatli, Hacioglu, Akin, Erdogdu, Sergen.
Man Utd: 1-Tim Howard; 3-Phil Neville, 6-Wes Brown, 7-Cristiano Ronaldo, 12-David Bellion, 17-Liam Miller, 19-Eric Djemba-Djemba, 22-John O'Shea, 23-Kieran Richardson, 24-Darren Fletcher, 25-Quinton Fortune.
Subs: Ricardo, Pique, Spector, Jones, Eagles, McShane, Ebanks-Blake.
Referee: Arturo Dauden Ibanez (Spain)

  • I Am The Secret Footballer Small Graphic


Today's best video

Today in pictures