Sex toys have become her substitute for the real thing

By Ruth Westheimer, King Features Syndicate

12:36 PM EDT, June 26, 2012


Q: My wife has purchased several toys, and now states that she is no longer sexually attracted to me.

I don't know how often she pleases herself, but we have now gone three months without sex and with very little physical contact. Is she choosing her toys over me?

A: This appears to be a "chicken or egg" situation. I would seriously doubt that if you two already had a great relationship and sex life, she'd prefer to masturbate with a machine. If she wasn't having orgasms when having sex with you, and you weren't doing all you could to help her, then that could be part of the problem.

If you two aren't getting along, then that also could lead to her not wanting to have sex with you.

Clearly there is a problem, but you haven't told me enough that I can offer advice. And perhaps you are clueless as to the cause as well, and so you need to work on finding out what exactly is wrong. You two need to have a serious conversation or else see a marriage counselor.

Q: Can a woman over 70 experience an orgasm?

A: There is no age barrier to having orgasms, so a woman of any age can have an orgasm.

Of course, there may be medical issues that can prevent the orgasmic response, and the older one gets, the more likely one is to have medical problems. Severe diabetes, for example, can prevent a woman from experiencing orgasms. But age, per se, is not a problem.

Q: My boyfriend and I like to have sex very often. I have a huge sexual appetite. I'd like to have sex at least once a day, but I get sore, and it puts a stop to things. Sometimes we have to wait two or three days.

We use plenty of high-quality, water-based lube and have lots of foreplay, but I still get sore.

What else can I do to prevent this? Perhaps a natural or home remedy? Soaking in a warm bath with Epsom salt?

A: You need to be checked out by your gynecologist. I'm not a medical doctor, but it doesn't seem like you should be so sore from having sex, especially if you are using lots of lubrication. Hopefully after an examination, a doctor will be able to figure out why you are so sore and will offer a solution.

Q: I am a 55-year-old woman, and my 46-year-old boyfriend and I have been together for nearly two years. We have sex almost each time we are together, which is one or two weeknights and all weekend. He takes pride in pleasing me, and I have an orgasm almost every time, sometimes twice each time we have sex. He, however, orgasms only maybe slightly more than half the time.

Quite often he just seems to lose desire, says he's tired and stops but will cuddle all night. Sometimes when I tell him I want him to orgasm, he will, but he seems to be less and less able to do so during the past few months.

When I tell him that I'm worried he's not being satisfied, he assures me that he is, and says what pleases him the most is pleasing me, and it doesn't matter to him whether he has an orgasm. Does this sound plausible?

I also wonder about his satisfaction because he has frequent nocturnal erections, which he likes to try to "take advantage of" and initiate sex. I'm usually not interested in waking up for sex in the middle of the night, when I'm sleepy and not in the mood. When I oblige, he doesn't have orgasms any more, and perhaps even less often, than during usual times. But it seems to satisfy him.

It's a little annoying, especially on a worknight. I feel like I'm being selfish if I deny him but I'm starting to resent it a little.

A: I get questions from people all the time who don't believe their partner, and you fall into that category. If he says he's satisfied, and if you two are having plenty of sex, which it appears you are, then don't worry about it. Perhaps he has some difficulties, the source of which I can't tell, but he's dealing with any problems quite well, it seems to me.

All men get erections when they sleep, so that is perfectly normal.

If it bothers you to have sex during weeknights, just tell him that you need to sleep. If he loves you, he should understand. If he insists, then talk about it. But I don't see that you have much of a problem, as long as you don't make it into one.
