How to ...

... swear

Swearing is how humans bark. It's a way of showing that you're hurt, frightened or angry. Men normally swear more than women, possibly because they get more hurt, frightened and angry. Or possibly because they're a load of f****** a*******s.

Swearwords can be categorised into various levels of badness. Really bad grade one swearwords all have a "k" sound at the front, in the middle or at the back. The exception to this is "knickers", which you can just about get away with in polite company. Grade two swearwords end in T: prat, twit and twat, for example. Grade three swearing often features unfashionable women's names with a slapstick addition, such as Flipping Nora.

The Captain Haddock school of swearing combines unusual and expressive words such as "billions of blistering barnacles". These words generally start with an explosive letter such as B or P so you can physically let off steam with them.

Triptychs are very popular in swearing (in fact, you can use "triptych" as a swearword in the Haddock category). Most follow the pattern of "stupid", grade one, grade one, with the middle word the f-word.

British swearing tends to focus on the genitals. In Latin countries, however, swearing concentrates on mothers, whores and illegitimacy. Slavs bring animals into swearing, noticeably goats and bulls. Only animals with sexual connotations get harnessed to swearing. You don't cut much ice calling someone a coypu.

The unique contribution of Anglo-Saxon to swearing is the emphasis on self-abuse, principally the grade one w***** or grade two tosser. In the US there is no equivalent phrase, which is very sad as there would be many and varied opportunities for its use.

The f-word used to be terribly shocking but now is little more than a comma in conversation. It indicates to the listener that you're moving from one f****** topic to another f****** topic. Occasionally the f-word recovers some of its former power when it is used by someone who has never been heard to use it before. For example, a couple dropped into the Queen's speech would probably get the nation's attention.

· Never Hit A Jellyfish With A Spade, a collection of Guy Browning's How To ... columns, is published by Guardian Books at £9.99. To order a copy with free p&p, call 0870 836 0749.

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