

February 04, 2010

I'm Getting Used by A Guy

ask-rachel-used.jpgDear Rachel,

Hi, I'm 17 and of course, as a teenager, I have guy problems. Well, I have had this guy best friend since we were in our sophomore year. I kinda liked him but didn't tell him at first 'coz I could still keep it as a secret from him. But then, my feelings grew stronger and stronger. We were sort of a couple but we didn't really have the "commitment" because we didn't really talk much about it.

Comes our senior year and we had lots of problems 'coz there's this other girl that he liked too. And it was really a huge problem because our closeness was like gone! I mean, he became so close with this girl that I was really jealous. So when I get the chance, my best friend and I do things that couples do. But the problem is that, we're not really committed.

My question is, should I still do things with him? 'Coz it's like I can feel that I'm taken for granted because I am soooo sure that he likes the other girl more than me. I feel like I am being used because they don't do stuff that we do together. What do you think?

-N (this letter has been edited)

Hi N.,

Should you keep hooking up with a guy who makes you feel used? I don't think I've ever known an answer so deep in my bones. YES. Si. Oui. Get rid of this guy and get back your self-respect. Please do it now.

See, it's like this: you guys are a perfect fit, but in the worst way: You're obviously a super generous girl. You're really good at giving. And him - yeah, he's pretty talented at taking.
NSA (no strings attached) relationships are becoming more and more popular with girls. You want a hook up without a commitment, fine by me. No judgment here. But as I have said before, these arrangements tend to work really nicely for the guy. Most of the time, they leave the girl feeling taken advantage of and used.

Anytime you're keeping things NSA to let him (or her) feel more comfortable, I'm gonna wave a big red flag. Becoming intimate with someone is a gift you are giving, a sacred part of yourself intended for very special people in your life. You deserve something in return: you deserve to feel respected and even honored for what you've given. NSA may be cool for a little while, but eventually, you've got to listen to your heart. If this means something to you, then ask for what you need. If you don't get it, get out.

One more thing: every day, our actions send very powerful messages about the kind of people we are and the way we want to be treated. When you let a guy do what he wants without giving you something in return, you communicate that you're willing to do anything, and be treated however he wants to treat you. That's why he's expecting you to do stuff the other girl apparently won't do.

But you're better than this. I know you are. Take back your self-respect. Stop the hook-ups, and I guarantee you'll feel better. You may hurt for a little while, but trust me: high school boyfriends are almost always temporary. Your self-respect is forever.