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The people vs. The NFL

Posted: March 13, 2011 - 6:01pm

In a recent Vox call, one reader said they enjoyed a column I did on Charlie Sheen (when I say “on Charlie Sheen” I mean “the subject was Charlie Sheen,” not “I wrote it while under the influence of popular street drug ‘Charlie Sheen’”).

I was flattered, but what struck me about the call was their prefacing statement that they “generally don’t understand Barry Kaufman’s columns.” This surprised me for two reasons. The first was that someone actually reads my columns. The second was that they would have trouble understanding them.

I tend to think my columns tend not to stray too far from the universal fact that basic bodily functions are hilarious. My two-year-old son recently burst out laughing when another child in his daycare let out a thunderous belch, and I thought to myself, “there’s my demographic.”

I’m no Shakespeare. This stuff isn’t hard to understand. But my pathetic desperation to be loved demands that I let this Vox caller in on the joke, so I’ve taken the liberty of having the following column footnoted by Dr. Stanley Smith, professor of overexplaining things at USCB:CSI:LMNOP*.

(*Thanks, Barry. By the way, that previous joke riffs on the local college’s lengthily-anagrammed name, USCB:CSI. He added more letters for comedic effect. Let’s begin the column, shall we?)

In one of the most stunning recent events concerning unions but not concerning Midwesterners in matching shirts shouting slogans*, the NFL players union decided that they weren’t making enough money running into each other and decided to not run into each other for several weeks next year. At least not for money.

(*The other being. Is that still topical?)

In a move that had football fans in a frenzied rush to look up what “decertify” means,* the NFL players union decertified this week and opened the door for players to individually sue the pants off of the NFL, the organization that pays them millions to only work a few months out of the year, because the players should really, in a very legally binding sense, be getting paid billions to only work a few months out of the year.

(*Football fans, as a rule, aren’t generally known for their legal acumen.)

The first lawsuit, Tom Brady vs. The NFL, will hit courts soon and is sure to be as thrilling a contest as Tom Brady vs. tying his shoes, Tom Brady vs. this morning’s Sudoku and of course Tom Brady vs. walking and chewing gum at the same time*.

(* None of these are actual lawsuits. Tom Brady went to the University of Michigan, and thus is barely qualified to dress himself.)

But all of this legal talk and lawsuits aside, what does this mean to the average NFL fan? Well, right off the snap it means there won’t be a preseason. I think we can all join together in a big, hearty yawn over missing out on the preseason. The bigger trouble comes if all these lawsuits aren’t settled soon, in which case there won’t be an NFL season at all next year. Just think; all next fall you’ll be stone sober on Sunday afternoon, with nothing to do but pay attention to your family and loved ones*.

(* He’s being sarcastic. You should probably do that anyway.)

Sports experts, in all their legal wisdom, are so far optimistic that there’s still a chance to salvage the season, just so long as the current justice system is completely overthrown within the next week or so and replaced by one where lawsuits are settled in a timely manner. That may seem farfetched, but keep in mind that’s already happened in other countries about six times this week*. So there’s hope.

(*He’s making a joke about massive political upheaval throughout the world in a deliberate attempt to drum up angry Vox calls).

But what if, by some fluke, the finest justice system in the world does survive long enough to kill next year’s NFL season? What can football fans do to fill that void in their lives? I’ve started researching this with my usual dedication to my craft* and have come up with a pretty surprising solution.

(* He ate a whole Subway six-foot party sandwich and took a nap.)

The answer is to find something else to bet on. Think about it. Do we watch football for the spectacle of world-class athletes injuring themselves bodily? Don’t be ridiculous. Do we watch football to hear the amazing commentary such as “He really moved the ball on that play,” and “When he needs to, he can really move the ball?” Only in the context of a drinking game.*

(*Take a shot every time you hear the phrase “a game of two halves.” If it’s said that someone “really came to play,” finish your drink.)

No, we watch football so that we can start a betting pool when the playoffs start and kind of know what we’re talking about. And with all the talk about the support staff and stadium employees who will be out of work if the season dries up, no one has spared a tear for the poor, humble bookie.

I say we start seeking alternative avenues of gambling. The obvious answer is betting on reality television, but studies have shown that reality television is right up there with huffing paint fumes in terms of sheer brain-melting power. So what’s left?

Isn’t it obvious? Three words: Fantasy. Law. Suits.*

(*That’s really only two words.)

I’m already working up a league, and I plan on starting Tom Brady, Drew Brees and Peyton Manning. My first alternate would be Charlie Sheen.*

(*What? I don’t even get that one.)


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