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Am I Being Too Harsh

Posted 02/24/2013

Everything is a struggle with my 12 year old dd.  I've posted here before about her.  I ask her to clean her room, her response is "its my room and I can have it the way I want."  I ask her to help with small chores "why do I have to do it, kids are supposed to have fun not do all this work."  It goes on and on.  She is sassy, disrespectul, rude, etc.  She used to be the sweetest girl.  The only thing that I see that matters is her time on the phone with this 12 year old boy.  So we allow her 10 minutes a day (alot of the time she goes way over if we aren't watching the clock).  Well she sassed me and refused to clean up her room so I took her phone away for the weekend.  He called this morning and I gave her 2 minutes to tell him she couldn't talk.  After 2 minutes I told her the time was up and I was unplugging the phone.  She didn't get off so I cut it off.  What else can I do other than rip the phone off her ear?  I feel like its making me look bad but I just don't know what to do anymore.  I guess maybe answering the phone myself and telling him she lost her phone privilege.  I told her she knows what she has to do to be able to have that privilege and she refuses to do it.  But its all my fault of course. 

I'm just struggling with being the "mean mom" and trying to teach her how to respect others (especially me) and do the right thing.  Why do I feel so guilty punsihing her for her behavior when it getting out of control?  Do you feel guilt over punishment?  I get to the point where I feel like I just want to give up.

Comments (8)

Posted 02/24/2013
Write down your rules with clear consequences and post them for her to see. Stick to those consequences. She's disrespecting you and your rules because you let her, by not being consistent. My teen was just like your DD and she can say whatever she wants about my rules, but if she doesnt clean her room, she gets 0 time on the computer, tablet, video game console, tv, or phone and may not go out. Guess who doesnt bother saying the chores are stupid?
SandyM3Kids2004 · Original Poster
Posted 02/24/2013

Thanks, you are right, I do let her get away with alot because she wears me down and I eventually give in.  How would you handle when her friend calls, would you answer yourself and tell him she can't talk?  He calls and calls and calls if we don't answer.  By letting her answer and tell him is defeating the purpsose of taking the phone away.  I'm just tired of looking like the a** myself :(.

Posted 02/24/2013

When my 11yo DD acts like this, it is usually a power issue.  She wants some kind of control.  I try to give her choices that don't seem punitive to prevent this kind of thing.  Like, "If you want to do X you're going to have to clean your room."  I don't remind her anymore.  If she doesn't clean her room, she doesn't get to do X.  I try not to yell and get frustrated (I am not always successful).


Here are our "rules".

She has very few chores.  She has to clean the cat litterbox, have her homework done, and have her piano practice done.  I ask her to help out from time to time with dishes or watching her sisters, but I ask rarely enough that she doesn't really ever object.

Once this is done, she can watch a movie, tv, play outside, or have an hour of computer time. 

If she wants to do something, we say, "Are your chores done?"  And if she says yes, she gets to.  IF she says no, she doesn't.   No negotiating or arguing.  If she gets snippy, my answer is a simple, "Sure you can go, once your chores are done."





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Remembering Sweet Baby Ray

Posted 02/24/2013

I absolutely do NOT feel guilty for their choices.  Just remind yourself, she CHOOSES how she acts.  Not you.  If you lay out clear rules and consequences, there's no reason to feel guilty if she chooses to break the rules.

As for the phone, in this house there's no in between- if you don't have phone priviledge, you don't get to talk.  Cell phone gets shut off (no warning to friends or anything) and mom takes it.  If they call the house phone, I answer and tell them "sorry, she's grounded and can't talk, I'll have her call you when she gets out of trouble".  If that's embarrassing, tough shit.  Don't get grounded then.  And there's no calling someone to tell them you're grounded, if they get pissed you stood them up then I guess you should have watched your ass, huh?


I am an absolute, unrepentant hard ass.  And my kids know that choosing to break the rules makes their lives hell, and mama does not care one little itty bitty bit how mad it makes them.





Posted 02/24/2013
I agree 100% with Anita. I do not ever feel guilty about following through with consequences. My kids know the rules and if they choose to break them, then they deserve the consequences.

As far as the phone, again I agree with Anita. If the phone gets taken away, we turn it off. Too bad if her friends can't get a hold of her. And if they call the home, I will tell them that she is grounded from all phone privileges.

You should write out her chores/responsibilities with consequences for not doing them. That way she is weel aware. Make sure to follow through. Kids will test us, to see if we let certain things slide sometimes. Being inconsistent is setting yourself up. You are giving mixed messages on what is really a rule. You have to make the decision to change things and stand firm. You can do it!!:)
SandyM3Kids2004 · Original Poster
Posted 02/24/2013

Thank you so much!  Anita, that is just what I was looking for!  I feel better knowing I'm not alone and seeing how others handle it.  I am going to go with what one of you said, if she wants to use the phone it will be if the chore is done or not.  This has really helped me, thanks again everyone!

Posted 02/24/2013
Yes I answer the phone myself and say she cant talk and if he phones again, I'd tell him to stop, then ignore the calls.
Posted 02/24/2013

Teenagers are not that much different than preschoolers.  There are too many choices, and secretly  they WANT you to set limits.

Oh, sure, she likes that boy and there's nothing more appealing than discussing the whole day of school over again with him, but she's still a kid.  And she doesn't know where to draw the line.  She depends on those who love her unconditionally (and that means you, Mom!) to help her make the wise decisions-- and when necessary, to make them for her.

When you are the adult and you step in and make these decisions for her-- well, that's how as a mom you are proving that you love her.  You are putting her long-term welfare ahead of her short-term wishes.

You were 90% right to pull the plug on her telephone conversation.  The only problem I have with it is, I would not have allowed my kid the two minutes to explain the situation to the boy.  And I would have called the boy's parents to discuss the matter.  If it were my kid, I'd want to make she was throughly embarassed in fornt of the boyfriend and the boyfriend's parents.  Good luck.

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