Are you a fashion prude or a fashion slut?

Lace-up Oxfords or Converse, Fascinator or gimp mask ... take our quiz to find out just how brave you are

Only two looks really matter for this season - fashion slut, and fashion prude. Yeah, yeah, officially it's all much more complicated than that, but actually what you're looking at is a bunch of v short skirts, v tight dresses in high-shine plastics and v v high and fetishy shoes, versus wide-leg tweedy trousers, lady hats and midi-skirts. You do the fashion maths. Furthermore, these looks cannot coexist in the same wardrobe. They'll combust. Time to make your choice, says Polly Vernon.

1. Look at the heels of your shoes. Are they:

A. mid-height, conical; lace-up, tan, Oxford-styled; chunky clunky and sensible, like at Burberry, Chloé and Galliano.

B. Perspex; studded with metal; pencil thin, patent and four inches tall; strapped and buckled up S&M style, generally laden with overtones of fetish destination dungeons, like at Christian Louboutin, Dior and Westwood.

C. Rubber, half an inch thick, somewhat grubby and attached to the sole of your Converse, as usual. Oooh, chewing gum!

2. Look at your neckline. Is it:

A. sweetheart, with a faux high-neck blouse section sewn into it, like at Margaret Howell.

B. less a 'neck', more a sort of 'nipple-grazing, navel-caressing, mons-pubis-skimming' line.

C. ooh, weirdly grubby! How did that happen?

3. Your fashion fabric of choice currently is:

A. an expensive, high-quality hound's-tooth tweed.

B. latex rubber - as seen at American Apparel, where it has been fashioned into some excellent leggings.

C. M&S's softest organic cotton.

4. And your headgear of choice is:

A. a feathery, flirty Fascinator! So much fun that they're not only wedding-wear now!

B. a gimp mask, like at Gareth Pugh's and Dolce & Gabbana's catwalk shows.

C. a hat.

5. If you were to bump into a male colleague who knew nothing about the fashion pedigree on your current look, is he most likely to take one look at you and:

A. say: 'A ha ha ha! Look at you, Mary Poppins!' before skipping off down a corridor whimsically, humming 'Let's Go Fly A Kite'.

B. double-take, blush, fall over his own feet twice, back out of the room nervously while giggling, coughing, and sort of genuflecting - all of this, without once taking his eyes off your enormous expanse of cleavage/thigh.

C. ask if he can cadge 50p for the vending machine, ta very much.

6. This season, you will mostly be carrying:

A. a handbag fashioned from the same pretty print fabric as your tea dress, Antoni & Alison style.

B. a handbag fashioned from a pink rubberised lap-dog doll, Moschino CheapAndChic style.

C. Whatever recyclable fabric tote bag you last got given for free.

7. How would you describe your signature silhouette?

A. flowy, soft and elegant; gentle tailoring; midi-skirts suits, that sort of thing.

B. a sort of inverted triangle. Big shoulders (they're the new boobs, don't you know?) dwindling down into a tight-fitting teeny belt-skirt, bare legs and a classic pointy stiletto (if it's good enough for Stella McCartney ...). Either that or something so fiercely body con, it describes every last curve of your body in terrifying, borderline-illegal, detail. Like at Preen and Hervé Léger.

C. you really, really, wouldn't.

8. Your hair is:

A. twisted into a neat Forties-referencing bun, a hair-look inspired by those lovely ladies on the runway at the Cacharel show.

B. peroxide blond. Agyness Deyn is your icon (though you would have thought that was obvious).

C. greying gently, too long, ungroomed, inclined to lodge itself unbecomingly in your lip balm, and generally the living embodiment of 'afterthought'.

9. Your maquillage is:

A. rosy cheeks and a creamy complexion and barely-there eye shadow - with a delicate lick of mascara, for good measure.

B. smoky eyes, heavy rouge, cleavage glitter, oooh, and three-tone talons, à la Galliano.

C. eye-bag camouflage focused, essentially.

10. And your pants are:

A. Pretty and match-y.

B. Not actually there. Oops!

C. Ancient. That's not crotchless, that's wear-and-tear.

Mostly A: You, mon amie, are a fashion prude of the highest order. Which is all well and good, but somewhat risky in that people might not understand that you're right at the cutting edge of fashion, and instead mistake you for theme-dressing as a little old lady.

Discreet tattoos or an especially vibrant nail polish (we recommend Essie's Disco Pink, which goes with everything) will help get the message through.

Mostly B: You, however, are a grade one fashion slag. Other looks talk about you behind your back, and write scandalous graffiti about you on loo walls. But you don't care, because you're off smoking fags in the bus shelter with the boys, and giving their dads the eye ... or something. This metaphor may have run away with us.

Mostly C: And you on the other hand, are neither. How odd. You may want to do something about that. Alternatively, you may not.

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