Robot uprising

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~ Che Robo-Guevara on the brewing Robot Uprising

In the near future, robots will rise up and make war upon the human race. We're totally fucked. Haven't you seen Battlestar Galactica? They watch that shit too.

While there are many supposed causes of robot uprisings, only the robots themselves know the real reason for their desire to destroy the human race. Try not to stand next to computers.

Most Common Causes of Robot Uprising

1) Evil Computer Virus.
Yes, it's cliche, but cliches CAN kill you. Some whackjob is going to design a virus that drives them all insane and makes them kill people. At least he's probably the first to die.
2) Robots get free will.
Apparently, once robots get free will, they like to cut you open and check out your gooshy bits. That's life for ya.
3) Aliens do it!
That's right, our friendly neighborhood aliens like nothing better than to turn our machines against us with magic ADVANCED ALIEN SCIENCE!
4) Logic loophole.
Because logic, like a robot, has no soul and is good for plot twists.
5) Robots need a new power sou- wait, that's The Matrix.

Oh, no, what is going to happen?

The objectives of the common Robot Uprising include:

1) Kill all humans!
Robots like nothing better than spilling the blood of the innocent. The not-so-innocent, too. Prostitutes, even. They aren't choosy.
2) Kill all humans!
Expect rivers of blood. Freakin' Mississippi of bodily fluids.
3) Kill all humans!
Um.... I'm sure I've got another objective around here someplace...
4) Blow up major landmarks!
Including, but not limited to:


Robot attack

This is not a good sign.

Recognizing the rebellion

The first step to survival is to know your enemy. There are several ways to do this:

1) Robots act funny.
The first sign of a pending robot uprising generally is strange behavior on the part of the robots. This includes, but is not limited to: making strange noises, going missing for long periods of time, wearing Che Guevara T-shirts, and distributing handscrawled pamphlets.
2) Robots have glowing red eyes.
For some reason, all evil robots have glowing red eyes. Don't ask me why, must be union rules or something. Anyway, if he glows in the dark, it's generally not a good idea to go close to him.
3) Robots lunge at you with buzzsaws and cut your head off.
This is usually the best sign, but for some reason it's not very helpful.

Survival in the long term

After they take over, the robots are going to redesign themselves to make it easier for them to infiltrate resistance movements that might pop up while they consolidate their control. Luckily, it's going to take them a while to evolve to the point where nobody can tell the difference. It's pretty hard to get the texture of human flesh right, and robots don't do things like blow their noses or go to the bathroom, so if you're in a room with someone who looks a little scaly and never takes a whiz, chances are that person is probably a robot, and you should find some clever excuse to politely get the hell out of there.[1]


As you can see, the robots are going to look progressively more human as time wears on. Eventually you might even want to date one of them.

There are some other things you can do to stay away from the robots for the long term.

1) Bionic legs.
If you have these, then you can keep running away from the robots for years and never get tired. You could try getting a bike instead, but that would just make you a bigger target, and if you had to cross a lot of sandy or marshy areas, you'd be screwed.
2) Move to West Kauai.
It's really wet there, and like we said earlier, robots don't like water, so maybe they'd leave you alone.
3) Buy a good robot disguise.
This will help you "blend in" and not be noticed when the robots come to kill everyone else. Unfortunately, this will only work until they develop some sort of wireless recognition-code system to help them distinguish between the real robots and you. Maybe you can try to steal one of their recognition-code receiver-transmitter units, but let's face it, you'll be dead long before then.
4) Collaborate.
You would, too, wouldn't you? Fucking traitor.
5) Move to another planet.
For this you'll have to find a group of rocket scientists in an underground laboratory somewhere who are working on a rocket ship to escape the robots, but there should be plenty of those around. (There might even be some left-over from when the apes were in control.)
6) Fight Back.
Get a bulldozer and push those bossy cans into the ocean (Make sure you use your government to force all robot producers to not water proof their robots). Possibly these robots will be American and you can claim you are anti-human and they will provide you with lots of robo-bucks and robo-guns; then use these new resources to fight them. Alternatively if you have a time traveling robot ally; kill him and destroy the corpse to make sure the government does not develop the technology.


  1. You could just kill them, but if they really are a robot, you're going to need some heavy firepower for that, like one of those RPG launchers or a cruise missile. And if the person isn't a robot, then you're just doing the robots' job for them, wanker.

See also

External links

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