Life in a Nutshell: Pondering the wonders of the holiday season

Compass Columnist
Published Friday, December 19, 2003

Every year we celebrate this joyous Christmas season, give thanks for things we have, both big and small, get the jolliest smiles from a loved one for the simplest, but most thoughtful gift, and generally try to answer that age-old question: How do you know when it's officially too late to put up outside Christmas lights?

My outside Christmas lights, and their crumpled, dusty shopping bag, have been decorating a corner of my living room for the past month and a half. It's become a new ornament for us, the festive unused Christmas lights with their spider webs and assorted attic dwellers whoopin' it up in there. Actually, it's becoming more of a Halloween decoration.

For months I think up excuses why I can't put them up. Good excuses like: "You know, heavy metal particles in the ionosphere make this by far the worst night to put out lights" or "That raccoon foaming at the mouth is on the porch again and last time I went out there he stole my wallet."

I'm to the point where I'm ready to throw the whole balled-up mass in the front yard, plug it in and call it good. It's a Christmas tumbleweed.

To make matters worse, my wife has invested in those outdoor Christmas light icicles. Those are sitting neatly in their box on the dining room table awaiting deployment in the crumpled, dusty outside light shopping bag of doom.

There are many holiday questions we find ourselves trying to answer each year. Take a look at my list and see how many look familiar to you:

Is there something really wrong with you if you buy a book on how to make Christmas cookies for your dog?

If you cook your Christmas turkey at 350 degrees for 72 hours but the red temperature button still doesn't pop up, is it safe to eat?

How much foil wrapping paper can a dog eat before you should grow concerned and phone the vet?

How much foil wrapping paper can a husband eat before you grow infuriated and make him sleep in the utility room?

Why is it a computer can beat a grand chess master, but it can't place a simple order across the Internet? I'm not trying to calculate a moon shot here.

Why has my tree consumed more water in the past month than it takes to fill a swimming pool? And more importantly, where does it all go? I come home expecting to find my tree with the dog scratching at the door needing to go relieve itself. But no, he just keeps drinking, and morning and night we keep filling. What's he doing with it all? I'm starting to get worried.

Why is it when I ask my dad what I should get my little sister Lauren for Christmas he always gives me some cryptic answer like this: "Well, what she's really interested in is going on e-Bay and bidding for Harry Potter memorabilia. She doesn't actually want the stuff, she just likes bidding on it. Why don't you get her that"?

Why is it my mother always asks for practical gifts that practically no one will ever have? "Well, I'd like a French coffee press, but it has to be for five and a half cups because your brother's dating someone now and one day she might come to Tampa. I would hate to run out of coffee." This from a woman who currently makes Cuban coffee with what looks like pantyhose on the end of a stick.

Why is it we spend so much time grousing, complaining and scratching our heads at Christmas, to the point that we forget what it's all about?

I don't know, which leads me to another question

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