...to be annoyed that my Mum just invites herself and then ruins Christmas?

(113 Posts)
justmuddlingalong Mon 03-Dec-12 20:36:43

Long Post-sorry. I am in my 40's and have a very strained relationship with my mum. My siblings have nothing to do with her because of her attitude, she has narcissistic tendencies. I would quite happily cut off all contact with her, but feel guilty because I'm the last of her children who tolerates her. She has brothers and sisters whom she has alienated too, but doesn't see her behaviour as a problem. She presumes that she is coming to spend Christmas with DP and I, but this will be the 12th year she's just invited herself and I just can't face it again. She is overpowering, selfish and sooo ungrateful. She knows I only invite her because no-one else will put up with her. You'd think she would behave in a more reasonable manner, but she aways dictates how the day runs, what we eat, when we eat, stops us meeting up with friends later in the day etc. My DP's son will be home from the forces at Christmas, so we can't run away abroad for Christmas to avoid her! I'm generally a strong minded woman, but my Mum is such a bully that railroads people into doing what she wants. I know you only get 1 mum, don't be uncharitable, it's the season of goodwill etc!!!! Don't judge me, you haven't spent Christmas Day with my mother, what should I do?

Gigondas Tue 04-Dec-12 18:52:50

Unless she really is very local, I would give her presents on Xmas eve/another day and ring her on Xmas day. And don't bring her lunch as it will be an excuse to shoehorn herself into your day/moan etc :

You are perfectly entitled to spend all of Xmas day with dp and dss.

I know it is hard - mil is giving dh the full martyr routine (she wa invited to Xmas but turned us down as difnt want to stay and we are not prepared to do 8 hours driving on Xmas day to collect and drop mil back )

Jux Tue 04-Dec-12 18:53:05

Does she turn up at a particular time? Can you disable the doorbell?

You could ensure you are all out on a nice long walk/pub over the time she appears, and simply not be there. Or all be in the front room with nice loud Xmas music playing so you can't hear her banging on the window.

You could employ a doorman for the day, who simply refuses entry to mad old bats who don't have the gilt-edged invitation. Oh, OK, that's a bit far-fetched.

I'd move house, tbh!

justmuddlingalong Tue 04-Dec-12 18:59:41

I did move house, but she follwed me. Oh joy!

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Tue 04-Dec-12 19:01:51

I think you're doing the right thing

<waves Pom poms at justmuddling>

Jux Tue 04-Dec-12 19:22:07

I know you did. I meant move again. Just don't tell her where you've moved to. You can salve your conscience by phoning her once a week from your mobile, which will remind you why you haven't told her your new address. grin

lol Jux.

I dream about emigrating sometimes. grin

justmuddling if she says she will just have a sandwich say "okay then". Don't pander to her at all. I'd drop presents off xmas eve so you have a full day of not having to grit your teeth.

Just tell her and then batten down the hatches. Curtains shut, doors locked, phones on silent, etc.

Have you read the book "Toxic Parents"? May be helpful if you haven't.

Good luck with telling her!

I feel sorry for your family having to put up with all that every Christmas. Not very nice for everyone else to find it amusing that you have to always entertain her though, but i can't say i blame them.

Think you need to put yourself and others before her for once.

dawntigga Wed 05-Dec-12 10:04:02

OP no is a complete sentence, under the circumstances you don't actually have to be civil to her but I understand if you want to be.

Remember the good MN sentences:


Did you mean to be rude?

Fuck the fuck off and when you get there fuck of some more.


jemjelly Wed 05-Dec-12 13:41:24

I feel for you, my mother-in-law is exactly the same, we live 6 miles away from her and she is a nightmare.

As an example of the madness I have to put up with my DH has to ring her twice a day (once in the morning to let her know he did not die in the night and again at 11pm before we go to bed). If he doesn't do this she will just turn up at the house at 11pm and bang on the door waking everyone up until we let her in). Last week we went out for the day, my DH had told her we would be out all day but she forgot, rang our house constantly all day (there were 30 messages on our answer machine) then when she filled up the tape on the answer machine she found the phone number for my next door neighbours and rang them angry. She just turns up at our house whenever she feels like it, its like having our very own stalker.

I have told her exactly how I feel about her but like your mother she is thick skinned and after her initial tears, screams, acusations and badmouthing us to everyone who will listen she then acts like the conversation never happend and carries on as before (sigh).

My DH would never admit it but I know he is scared of her, unfortuatley he is an only child so there are no other siblling to help share the misery. Needless to say my mother-in-law has never had any friends and alienated the rest of her family years ago.

I hope you manage to be strong and keep Christmas Day stress and mother free, I only wish I could do the same.

justmuddlingalong Thu 27-Dec-12 01:32:29

Just thought I'd update you all and say thanks for your advice and funny comments. I took DMs presents round about a week before Christmas and joy of joys, she announced that she was going to spend Christmas day with a couple she knows! I don't know if she invited herself or they invited her. So DP and I had the most chilled, relaxed, peaceful and stress free Christmas Day than we've had for a looooong time. So next year won't be such a big issue. Thanks for all the advice thanks

Isityouorme Thu 27-Dec-12 08:15:24

Great news .... Thanks for the update!

gimmecakeandcandy Thu 27-Dec-12 08:38:50

That's great to hear but you really need to stand up to her bullish behaviour and be more like your siblings. She sounds vile.

Iheartpasties Thu 27-Dec-12 11:02:53

im glad you had a good christmas

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