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~ Anonymous Aussie on kangaroos.
“Hey, My hooker looks like one of them!”
~ Ben Matchett on Woodend.

This is a kangaroo.

The Kangaroo is a deformed creature with rabbit ears, a pouch, large hind legs, and razor-sharp teeth. These animals have tricked humans into thinking they were cute, but like many things lurking in the Australian bush, they can/will kill. Don't trust a kangaroo, mate!



This is not a kangaroo.

To this day, the true origin of the kangaroo is much debated. There have been several theories on how the creature came to be.

Some say that extraterrestrial mice were brought here from the Moon, by aliens set to conquer earth. The mice abounded after the flying saucer crash landed on the Australian outback, got buried in dirt, and became Ayers Rock. These mice moved around by hopping, thanks to the Moon's low-gravity atmosphere. Without their primary source of food (yes the Moon is made of cheese), the mice had to find an alternative source. Over time, evolution had caused these mice to grow immensely in size. Then they developed pouches for some reason (possibly from a toxic waste accident).

Others believe that kangaroo's originated from the depths of mad science labs. In the late 1900's, Australian scientists made an attempt to create a new way to rid the world of criminal activity, as the police force back then could only rely on horses. At the dawn of science, the DNA of a lab mouse, a professional boxer, and a pogo stick were combined in hopes of creating a crime-destroying super mouse. They failed miserably.

Another theory suggests that the kangaroo is a result of Global Warming. I say this is the most probable.

Types of Kangaroos


You think I don't know a kangaroo when I see one?


Red Kangaroo: This creature isn't actually red, but more of an orange color. But they call it the red kangaroo because it covers itself in the blood of its freshly killed victims.






Diet and enemies

Along with making themselves seem cute, kangaroos have also tricked us into thinking that they eat plants. What most people don't know is that kangaroos are actually vicious carnivores. Their main diet consists of koalas, platypuses, feral midgets, and the rare Australian land whale. They may also feast on the remains of animals that were killed by wild bush cars. On rare occasions, however, they develop the craving of humans (usually tourists, because the Aussies know all about kangaroo attacks and are well prepared). Kangaroos compete with drop bears and dingoes for human prey. Drop bears, in particular, envy kangaroos for their cuteness and deadliness. Dingoes are especially effected, as the kangaroo population has brought down dingo numbers at an alarming rate. By the way, the kangaroos have also scapegoated the dingoes for eating babies. Kangaroos are the ones who would stuff babies into their pouches and save them for an after-dinner baby sandwich. But you wouldn't expect that, because kangaroos are so cute.

Kangaroo attacks

Normal AnimalSexKangarooFeeding

Yet another foolish tourist falls for the creature's cuteness and awaits upcoming doom.

When preying on humans, a kangaroo would make itself visible. The foolish victims would easily fall for its cuteness. When the timing is right, the kangaroo would stand on its tail and kick the living shit out of its victims, then decide whether to eat them right away or bury them for later consumption.

As deadly as kangaroos are, they are also stupid animals. This can serve as an advantage to those who want to avoid a horrible fate. A clever Aussie always carries a boomerang, which is one of the few things capable of killing a kangaroo. For extra protection, most Aussies also wear Chuck Norris masks. Everyone knows that Chuck Norris is the natural enemy of a kangaroo. While both can deliver powerful kicks of doom, the difference is that Chuck has a bigger brain. Some may take up boxing lessons to prepare themselves for boxing kangaroo attacks... or at least die with dignity.

Kangaroos in popular culture


The ultimate death of our kangaroo photographer.

Kangaroos are moderately popular in culture. Kangaroos have now been placed in the #2 spot of the Top Ten Cute But Deadly Animals:


9.Bunny rabbit

8.Peruvian hairless squirrel monkey



5.Your sister


3.Drop bear


1.Baby seal

As you can see by this list, drop bears clearly envy kangaroos for their cuteness and deadliness. According to Sylvester the cat, kangaroos are just giant mice. Kangaroo expert Steve Irwin has frequently mentioned the kangaroo's awesome killing ability. At least he was prepared. Many Aussies tell their children about the Easter Kangaroo, basically a supernatural creature that comes out every Thanksgiving to kill people who like kicking puppies. If you ask me, it sounds like a load of bullsh...

Related pages

  • Wallaby- Basically a midget kangaroo.
  • Tasmanian devil- Another deadly marsupial you may want to know about.
  • Australian Wildlife- a complete list of other deadly creatures in the Aussie bush. You thought kangaroos were only things to worry about?
  • Penguin- Another seemingly cute and cuddly creature that KILLS.

Unrelated pages

  • Biscuits- This has nothing to do with kangaroos.
  • Mr. T- This also has nothing to do with kangaroos.
  • Kwanzaa- A Holiday-related page that has nothing to do with kangaroos.
  • I suddenly have a craving for Pepto Bismol.
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