What women don't understand about men

Lisa's asking why I'm insisting that she can't try to catch Lloyd being unfaithful to her.

"It's just not..." I say.

"Not what?" she demands, pedantically.

"Just not... fair."

"Fair? Fair? He's cheating on me, for God's sake. How is catching him at it 'not fair'?"

"It's hard to explain."

"So you want him to be unfaithful? That's fair, is it?"

"Of course not."

"But you don't want him to get caught?"

"Ah - now - ahhh. Yes, now, there's a vital distinction. I am more than happy for Lloyd to get caught. If he slips up and gives himself away, or does something stupid, or just has really bad luck, then OK. That's life, that is. And if he's going to be unfaithful, then that's a risk we'd all accept he brings upon himself. But that's very different from you going out of your way calculatedly to hunt him down. It'd be fine if you accidentally found a damning receipt in his pocket or an incriminating message on his mobile. I mean, it wouldn't - because why are you looking in his pockets or at his mobile? Conscious or unconscious, there's motive, isn't there? 'Oh, I was just looking for the car keys when I found the receipt.' Yeah, right. Because if I were searching a pocket for car keys and my fingers touched a bit of paper, then I'd obviously need to take it out, open it and read it to know it wasn't a set of keys. Fishing is a kind of hunting."

"But he's being unfaithful."

"Look, Lisa. I've got nothing against lions; they have to eat, and I'm fine, in principle, with them eating antelope. But when, on TV, you see a particular antelope being deliberately chased by a determined lion, where do your sympathies lie?"

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