Serious Wedding One.

(188 Posts)
disguiseno1 Sun 01-Sep-13 17:17:09

Have nc for this. This could turn out quite long so apologies in advance.

Sister is getting married and has asked me to be maid of honour. I am thrilled even though dsis is a bit of a bridezilla. She asked me a couple of months ago and I have been helping her with wedding planning etc.

Dsis and i have different dads. Hers was my stepdad for a large part of my childhood. He was abusive, emotionally/mentally, physically and one sexual assualt (when i was 8) towards me. My dsis only got the emotional/mental abuse. Dsis is aware of what i suffered (although minimises/excuses such as he was drunk).

As soon as i turned 16 i left home and have no contact with him. Dsis has contact with him although i think it can be strained.

However it has transpired that she has asked him to give her away at her wedding. I was unaware of this up until this week (although don't know why i am surprised).

I am now in a difficult position. Basically i dont want to go. I dont want to have to be anywhere near him. He would probably have the hard neck to try and speak to me and id rather just not put myself in that position. AIBU to just drop out? I dont think dsis would be too understanding and it would probably ruin her day.

Any other questions just ask.

diddl Tue 03-Sep-13 10:02:18

She can still get married, without OP, her mum, brother....

Indeed as long as the groom turns up!

She might want certain people there-but the wedding can happen without them!

OP-how horrible for all of you.

You have done the right thing.

Xales Tue 03-Sep-13 09:48:34

Morning OP. I hope you managed to get some sleep. I know we are not as good as a real life hand hold and hug but there will always be someone here for you to vent to if you ever want.

Some of us have been through a similar childhood so even though it affects everyone different we will understand!

AgentZigzag Tue 03-Sep-13 01:17:53

'I've heard of weddings being cancelled if the bride or groom didn't want to be there, but not if a bridesmaid or a MOH chose not to attend!'

That's very true, this is just foot stamping, pure and simple.

I can't believe she's got the audacity to fucking argue the point with you disguise, but her choice of what to foot stamp about is insensitive at the very least (given that she's probably messed up as well having to live the scrote).

stopthebusiwanttogetoff Mon 02-Sep-13 23:29:23

Oh god that is hideous. I am so sorry they are getting you involved. That he has the front to be there says it all, he doesn't take any responsibility for what he has done because he gets away with everything! Stay away from him, stay away from his facilitators. And stay strong. Just my opinion!! I went to my dads wedding this weekend, nowhere NEAR as dicey circumstances, and it ended up a mess. I hate guilt, I hate controlling people, and I can't begin to say what I think about your df and dsis. I get that it's not her fault, but FFS, she likes you enough to ask you to be MoH but not enough to protect you from your abuser. Wtaf.

Mmmnotsure Mon 02-Sep-13 23:28:36

Another delurker here.

I would be interested in knowing exactly why she was cancelling the wedding. I've heard of weddings being cancelled if the bride or groom didn't want to be there, but not if a bridesmaid or a MOH chose not to attend!

Hope you manage to stay strong, OP, despite the abysmal behaviour of so many people close to you, family who should be looking after you rather than behaving like this. None of this is your fault: not the original assaults; not the impossible decision imposed on you as a child; not the horrible position you have been put in now. As Hearts says - please look after yourself here.

NoComet Mon 02-Sep-13 23:09:10

What a fucking mess and I bet the man who caused it still doesn't feel a shred of real guilt.

Repeatedlydoingthetwist Mon 02-Sep-13 23:04:44

OP I read your thread last night but didn't comment as I didn't feel that I had anything useful to say. However after this last update I am furious on your behalf and just wanted to say that you need to think of yourself and not respond to any attempts at blackmail or manipulation from your 'd'sis. The other posters have said everything I want to say so much better than I could have, so I just want to echo them. Please please do NOT attend this wedding. Look after yourself, your wellbeing is the most important thing here. Your sister clearly does not give a damn about your feelings so you can afford not to be too concerned about hers.

Double Agents e.g. Agentzigzag and SpecialAgent you make a lot of sense.

OP I hope your DSis sees the light. Cancelling the wedding - or more accurately threatening to cancel - is pure Bridezilla behaviour which is absolutely shocking given your background.

bettykt Mon 02-Sep-13 22:55:25

Was your dmum going to attend, knowing what he did to you and her? She and your dbro should be on your side. Be strong Disguise this is between dsis and her dad, you have not caused any of this her dad has. Let's just hope she doesn't let him babysit her children, shudders.

Xales Mon 02-Sep-13 22:52:51

Don't bank on your DM. You thought she was onside when you were 14. Plus everyone accepts what your sister is like so they are going to expect you to back down for her.

disguiseno1 Mon 02-Sep-13 22:50:15

No pressure from dmum. She is onside. Dont think dbro would say anything, he tends not to get involved in any family matters. Would i be pushing my luck to ask her what she is going to tell people the reasons behind?

ToffeeWhirl Mon 02-Sep-13 22:49:48

I'm so sorry you are going through this, disguise. I think you did the right thing and I suspect your sister is being a bit manipulative in cancelling the wedding.

Am still reeling at panda's remark about seeing the funny side.

WilsonFrickett Mon 02-Sep-13 22:48:25

I also hope you have some RL support op, do you? Because the next few days are going to get messy... sad

WilsonFrickett Mon 02-Sep-13 22:46:59

She is trying to blackmail and guilt you into doing what she wants. Stand firm. Well done for having the conversation with her, that took a lot of courage.

Xales Mon 02-Sep-13 22:46:25

It's emotional blackmail. 'Look what you have forced me to do now.'

Can you phone any support groups or do you have some close friends you can lean on as from your mother's previous form I think there is going to be a lot more pressure/emotional blackmail/bullying coming your way.

SpecialAgentCuntSnake Mon 02-Sep-13 22:46:24

So she's told two people who she feels will put pressure on you, but no one else?

Not the bridesmaids and groomsmen who have presumably taken time off work/gotten expensive outfits?

Not her close friends?

Just people who can influence you?

What a coincidence! hmm

BlingBang Mon 02-Sep-13 22:44:05

You handled that well, good for you. Your sister is not the bad one here - she is also a victim but you are a 100% in the right here. Hold your head high and take no responsibility for any fall out.

disguiseno1 Mon 02-Sep-13 22:43:14

She has only told our dmum and our dbro. She has said she understood my reasons but to let her tell people in her own time. Ive just said if that what she feels she has to do then so be it. I dont know what she is going to tell people so not sure whether to prepare for a backlash or not.

SpecialAgentCuntSnake Mon 02-Sep-13 22:42:36

Exactly Agent

She's mirroring what her mother did when OP was 14.

She's trying to say you'll ruin everything if you don't 'let' him come. It's the exact same scenario!

Stand your ground. She'll have her day, but brace yourself for the almighty tantrums and most likely lies that will happen because you're standing your ground.

AgentZigzag Mon 02-Sep-13 22:38:44

I'm sure her cancelling is just a threat to try and make you do what she wants.

But if she does, that's her choice, you haven't forced her (an adult) into doing anything.

SpecialAgentCuntSnake Mon 02-Sep-13 22:38:17

Ahh I knew she hadn't really cancelled it. It's just a ploy.

She hasn't tried to get refunds, sent out 'it's off' notes/texts? Didn't think so.

She's waiting for you to get on your knees and tell her how unreasonable you are. Don't.

She clearly wants to be princess for a day with perfect parents. She doesn't have that luxury and she shouldn't be bullying you into this. All the obvious stuff aside (like the poster who said he'll go out of his way to interact with you) once booze is involved this is going to hell in a handbasket anyway.

The fact she has children makes this even worse IMO. angry

Don't crack. Protect yourself, since it seems no one else in your family will!

AgentZigzag Mon 02-Sep-13 22:36:32

Blimey, cancelled the wedding?? shock

I didn't see that one coming.

And I suppose it'll all be blamed on you disguise?

Don't you bloody take any responsibility for it, not one jot. Just keep on with the same line that he's the one who did it and she's the one who cancelled (which looks completely OTT to me).

You're totally entitled to feel how you do, don't let them tell you otherwise.

disguiseno1 Mon 02-Sep-13 22:34:01

Thats ok special, as much as i do love my dsis, i really had to restrain myself today and i wanted to fucking rip her a new one myself.

Basically she tried denial then blaming everyone else without so much as just accepting what her df is.

She mentioned about what to say to people who would obviously ask why i wasnt at her wedding, so i said the truth. Which i dont think she could really do without making herself look like a twunt.

If she truely cancels her wedding then im not sure what she will tell people.

Xales Mon 02-Sep-13 22:29:55

Btw, that's my 'calm' post because I really feel like ripping your sister a new one, but that won't make you feel better so it'll stay in my head! wink for now

hear hear Special

SpecialAgentCuntSnake Mon 02-Sep-13 22:28:04


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