Across the great divide

Popular relationship psychology would have us believe that the differences between the sexes are inherent and irreconcilable. Guardian agony aunt Linda Blair looks at the evidence and asks, is difference such a bad thing after all?

How many times have you heard someone say, "If only you'd made that clear! Then I'd have understood, and we'd have avoided all that pain and heartache"?

A breakdown in understanding is usually one of the central themes when a relationship hits a difficult patch, or when people seek help because they feel isolated and alone. But are men and women really so fundamentally different that we must resign ourselves to a lifetime of misunderstandings?

It's certainly the case that in relationships we frequently misunderstand what we say to one another, misinterpret intentions and actions or misread each other's feelings. But is there really such a wide gap between the sexes, or are we in fact quite capable of seeing the world in the same way?

In the past 20 years, much popular relationship psychology has centred on the differences between men and women. Bestselling books such as John Gray's Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus have fuelled an industry founded on the premise that heterosexual relationships are made up of two people coming from different perspectives.

Rather than viewing a partnership as a bond between two people that needs to be nurtured, this theory puts men and women on either side of an invisible divide, across which some sort of understanding must be forged.

Two genders divided?

Of course, our genetic makeup and our upbringing and education play a part in creating our concepts of male and female; what it means to be masculine and feminine. It's true that men are generally exposed to more testosterone in utero (men and women both have testosterone and oestrogen, but in different proportions), and this is associated with more aggressive and dominant behaviour. The neurologist Norman Geschwind proposed that the greater testosterone levels found in males may inhibit development in the left (language-related) side of the brain, explaining why boys have more linguistic difficulties than girls.

Meanwhile, at birth, the left hemisphere of the female brain is relatively larger than the right; which suggests that girls are more prepared to learn language, whereas boys may be somewhat more spatially skilled. But that doesn't seem a great deal to go on when you consider the wealth of relationship guides that rely on the premise, as Deborah Cameron points out in her book The Myth of Mars and Venus, that men and women "speak a different language".

In reality, we tend to reinforce aggressive, dominant behaviour in boys and helpful, nurturing behaviour in girls. A study in the 1960s by Kagan and Moss found that mothers behaved more coldly and were more rejecting of their sons if they showed traditionally feminine behaviour (nurturance, dependence), and behaved more warmly to those who showed traditionally masculine behaviour (rowdy play, dominance). We assume that boys will be tough, whereas girls will need assistance, and these assumptions carry on through life.

Furthermore, not only do we reinforce tough, aggressive behaviour in boys, but we tend to overlook it in girls. In my clinical training, I remember being told of a review of delinquent behaviour in London that suggested that teenage boys were remanded for far more minor offences than teenage girls - the suggestion being that because law enforcers were less likely to "expect" girls to behave aggressively, the girls generally escaped notice.

Language and the sexes

When it comes to women and language ability, we know that girls are encouraged to talk more often from a young age, and they're spoken to more often than boys. Studies have shown that if a mother believes a baby is a girl, she'll talk more to that baby than she will if she thinks the baby is a boy. As they mature, women are encouraged to discuss their feelings in a way that isn't expected of their male counterparts.

In her book, You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation, Deborah Tannen describes her findings when she studied language samples of men and women. She found six dimensions of language in which she believes men and women differ: status/support; independence/intimacy; advice/understanding; information/feelings; orders/proposals; conflict/compromise.

On the face of it, these dimensions seem to reinforce the assumption that men are more dominant and less comfortable talking about their emotions; that when speaking to others, women are more centred on feelings and on working together, whereas men are more concerned with information gathering and establishing who's in charge. However, we can only conclude that the way we use language reflects and reinforces our assumptions about males and females. We have no proof that such differences are in fact real - that is, that they have any physiological or genetic basis.

All we can be sure of is that when we parent, when we educate, and often when we address relationships, we reinforce the idea that men and women act differently, think differently, and have different needs and priorities.

Appreciating difference

When I offer advice - helping people to interact more effectively in their daily life with their partner or, for that matter, with anyone who shares their life but not their gender - I stress the importance of approaching each other as individuals, rather than with gender uppermost in your mind. As with all relationships, communication is key. Carve out a space in every single day when you talk, and really listen, to one another. Ask questions, even about the most trivial topics, to make sure you understand not only what happened, but also how the other person felt about what happened.

This is a small investment, but it will pay big dividends. Because you're showing the other person that they're worth your time and attention, not only will you get to know them better, but you'll also build intimacy and trust.

And remember to celebrate the differences between you as individuals and as men and women. These are likely to be what attracted you to one another in the first place, and keeping them alive will help you remain aware of, and appreciate, those differences.

Further reading

• Linda Blair, Straight Talking (Piatkus Books)

• Diane Halpern, Sex Differences in Cognitive Abilities (Lawrence Erlbaum Associates)

• Deborah Cameron, The Myth of Mars and Venus (Oxford University Press)

• Deborah Tannen, Talking from 9 to 5: Women and Men at Work (W Morrow)

About your expert

Linda Blair is a chartered clinical psychologist, a chartered scientist and an associate fellow of the British Psychological Society. She has a weekly column, Private Lives, in the Guardian, monthly columns in Psychologies and Junior magazines, and is the author of Straight Talking (Piatkus Books). Her second book, Straight Talking: The Happy Child, is scheduled for publication later this year.

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