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Old 08-19-2003, 09:17 PM   #69
Das Mole
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Post a review of the story so far

okay, here's a review. i haven't edited it yet, i just copied and pasted, but i'll go through it on a word document and get rid of some of the big spaces, but here it is!!!

The air was clammy (!?!), Captain Andy lay in her bed...... ..and while she was laying in the bed like this she recognized the air wasnt that clammy at all, so.. ....she turned up the heat, got a spray bottle and created a kind of fake humidity, before...... ...she realized that there was a novel being written about her in the Games forum. With that shocking bit o' info in mind, she said to her buddies Roy and Ray, "Oh no, where is this going?" To which they said..... "Yes, Andy it would be easier if you were a mod, then you could supress these peoples free mind and stop them doing it. But in your case my advice to you is: ask Roy .. he even knows how to help mum". But Andy just replies in a dry way "I am not right sure, Ray, Roy may come up with some more humidity, and i dont want to get wet all over my body." "Whats so bad about it?", Ray asked and smiles to Roy. .. Andy ignored the look and answered, "because I just don't like it. Heat and humidity are all very well, but I do prefer to go sailing in my pirate ship!" With that, she put on her pirate garb and went out sacking and pillaging, all the while laughing maniacally.

Ray and Roy were appalled. So they decided to go get ice cream. But on the way over......... ....Ray and Roy bumped into Das Mole.....who was confused as usual. Something was not right about Das. Ray thought he was wearing womens underwear again, and was just a bit fidgety, but Roy knew from the look in his eye that... ....he had been thinking! The shock nearly knocked Roy down. He could not believe such a thing.

"What are you thinking of, Das?" he asked.

"Really complicated philosophical quandaries," replied the boy. "And monkeys."


And with that, Roy Tordes and Ray Jones began their


(fade in adventurous music)


...then begins long, Mi-stlye cut-scene introduction with credits...

.. Ray suddenly interrupts .. "WAIT Andy.. Roy and me .. we cannot go to quest real DAS MOLE. Roy has holidays .. and i am suffered from nothing .. so no way.. unless we have the chance to.. ", "Yeah", Roy comes up and *wanz* has a neckreck for Ray, "unless.."


"unless.." .. Roy comes back after his absence, beats up the fake Das Mole and goes to sleep.......
Roy was sleeping. Andy and Ray grabbed their chance, sneaked in and started to paint Roy black.

.. meanwhile ..

Roy, dreaming he his Roy Black, a famous german folksinger, starts to sing *sings* Mmmmmoooleee i beat you up coz youre just an oolllldddeeee .. bastardooo, like Largooo, stealing my GAAAAAAAAAMEEEEs consense and overrrr the next hence you jump and SEEELLL it as your OOOOOWWWWNN yyyyyyyyuuuunkkkk!!!! *stopps singing* Roy stops singing coz Andy put her slip (and i mean a REAL SEXY ONE -- huuu i could fetish this .. ) into his mouth. Err... however Ray is total greedy and jealously (splel me feral) punches Roy back to his bed.. but that after that he calmed down: "Hey, that wasnt right, poor sleeping Roy. I was awake while she was doing that." .. *smiles satisfied*Roy realises that this is in fact another imposter - this time a fake Ray (shock horror), the clue being that even the real Ray isn't this much oversexed!!!!

Roy takes Ray out with some rapid hand movements, straps him and his carcass to a Ford Fiesta along with some dynamite, starts the engine and places a brick on the accelerator....bye Ray!!!!!..........BOOOOMMMMMM....

Roy sits back expecting to see some springs, circuit boards and other evil robot imposter type bits, but all he sees is bits of liver, kidney, brain........ooohhh ssshhhheeettt, that actually WAS Ray!!!!

Oh're dead and can never post on the forum again..........noo.....(nnnnnooooo!!!!!!!!!!)
suddenly all these organ parts began to move towards each other ..

*fantastic rendered morphingscene*

*speaks with slight austrian accent*

Roy, it's like i always said in this forum.. i'll BE back..

Andy slowly approached the newly reassembled Roy and poked him really hard. He jumped up and yelped.

"It's him all right," she said, confirming the obvious. "You can have whatever you want. Give him the panties, Roy."

"No!" said Roy indignantly. "I want to keep them ALL!"


They started to tussle, Ray used his newfound superhuman strength to twist Roy's arm.

"Stupid boys," Andy sighed, exasperated. She got out a fire hose and sprayed them thoroughly. Just then....
Roy knew at that moment that the only panties he wanted were Andys!!! In one stunning movement he ripped them off. Something wasn't right though.......
.....the tastful lacy thong just wasn't Andy's style......Roy knew that he should really be holding a huge tent like pair of pink/yellow/blue striped or spotted undies with enough elastic to build a super catapult (that having been Roys plan - to construct a super weapon using only Knickers and lumps of wood!!).
Roy then noticed something else, a painful detail this new imposter had forgotten to notice. Andys huge bush, almost Ronald McDonald wig like in appearance had been replaced by a button and it was flashing.

....err newly reassembled Ray - can you do the honours with the button mate???
*presses button*
iiiii. Oh, Laydey.

In a voyeurous moment Ray slapped Roy that hard.. he couldnt even remember of his own avatar anymore .. so Ray just has to go on and take Andy Panties .. but then he recognizes .. Roy already was wearing it. Put this off Poopoohead .. it's mine, Andy said i can wear it .. But then again Ray remembers...

*presses button again*

iiii.. Heyheyhey. dont do this at home kids..

.. and suddenly Andy said .. dont worry Ray you can have another one from me..

So they helped up Roy who still was confused a bit, together they now on the way to.... peace.

After a lot of very hard work and vicious diplomacy, everyone in the world was completely peaceful. There was no fighting, anywhere.

That is, until Roy and Ray began to fistfight on the edge of a cliff.

"Hrm, that looks dangerous." thought Andy. Just then, she realized that they were battling for her love. Apparently this had been an issue between them ever since they started these adventures.

There was a giant crack of lightning and....
The Planet Exploded.
In the new restarted universe Das Mole wasn't confused anymore, Andy didn't dress like a common tart, Ray didn't have a blow up doll addiction, Roy wasn't quite as cool, and Reaper Girl and Darth Vulger were an item.

Roy decided that a game of snooker was in order....but who could he play?

'mey' said Ray and so they stepped up to the table.. 'but first lets turn the volume down here' Ray shouted .. 'ahh much better now' .. Ray took the cue .. 'HERE' and threw it over to Roy. .. That stupid guy didnt catched it. 'F###' . .. he couldnt speak it out befor it all was too late, by the same time Andy already had recognized that it had fallen DIRECT onto the self-destruction-button wich are wide spreaden in THIS universe.. for our unlucky heroes self destruct with the next seconds wasnt stoppable anymore...

So couple of meaningless timeeras later .. the UNIVERS returns ..

and this time RAY has his ADDICTION to blow up dolls .. and Roy is only wearing G-Strings (dont be bothered.. Ray is wearing NOTHING underneath) .. and andy always has enough SLIPS (sexy ones andy, for real sure!!) for ROY and RAY ..


Outside two weirdos began a fistfight.

(the end?)
....not quite the end.....

Roy admires Andys jugs from afar......
...and Reaper Girl, who has mysteriously survived the universe being restarted twice, spies on Roy from afar, and in turn...
....Roy trips over whilst trying to look cool (doh!), injuring his.....
...head. He's fallen on his head, just like when he was a baby and needed to take special classes after that. And then...



"evil, disgusting, slimy, cheap martha stewart!" they could smell the blackened christmas turkey in the air. "come here, guys," martha said to ray, roy, and reaper girl. as they stepped forward, there was a flash of red in martha's eyes, but nobody saw. "here, i'm going to chip off some of this black, and look at that beautiful mahogany brown color of that turkey."

"we're not stupid," stated reaper girl. "we know you've poisoned it."
"maybe so, but at least i don't look like a clown, bitch!" screeched martha.
"what?!" exclaimed reaper girl. "that's it, you're going down."
in the heat of the catfight, martha took a fork and stabbed the inflatable underwear. reaper girl gasped. "that does it. we're taking this to a very high court of law. we're going to..."


"now, what happened?" asked jerry springer.
"she stabbed my inflatable underwear from the clown supply shop!"
"hmm...well, let's bring her out! here's martha!" the crowd began to boo and jeer.
"oh, shut the **** up you asses!" martha stepped onto the stage and took the other chair.
"now, why did you stab her underwear?"
"she threatened me and said i poisoned the turkey!"
"i never threatened you!" reaper girl said.
"oh, yeah, right, you just don't want to get in trouble on national t.v., you little priss!"
"well, you're the one sitting around baking cookies, turkeys and cakes all day, and then you go and make ottomans out of walnut shells, and you're calling me a priss?"
"oh, you're going down you *bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*" martha charged at reaper girl, who stayed calm, cool, and collected. she was stopped by one of the many bodyguards.
"now," jerry began, "we're going to settle this with a nice match of naked mud wrestling. the winner is the one who can knock out the other one first and make sure she stays knocked out for at least 10 seconds. actually, let's make it mud and jello."

reaper girl and martha entered the ring and began to fight. the first blow was landed... ...And hit RG in the head. And the Reaper Girl woke up out of her long jasmine tea trip, and releized she was in a mud 'n jello fight with martha stewart.
"Whoa." she dumbly uttered, and, at the speed of light, put the silly clown clothes back on as so to dissapoint the perverts.
But while she was getting dressed, Martha's eyes turned red and she transformed into the hideous demon thingy she was, with a pair of craft scissors and a red hot glue gun for hands.
"CRAP!" RG cried. But she had a trick up her clown sleeves. She procceded to summon the...
......Lords of Retro Fashion, who proceeded to attack Ray, Roy and Das with a 'Saturday Night Fever' blast..... now the boys are standing there dressed like John Travolta. Das wrythes around in the floor in agony while Ray and Roy smile, high five and reach for the stereo. Conveniently a copy of 'Night Fever' by the Bee Gees is in the CD Player.........the play button is pressed...........amongst the high pitched singing (By Ray and Roy as well as the Bee Gees), Das Nole works himself up into a terrible rage......"Nooooooooo I cannot die in a white suit..........I NEED to wear my khaki shorts!!!!!!!". Das drop kicks Martha into the crowd. Martha is immediately set upon by the Jerry Springer influenced crowd who rip her to pieces before the bodyguards can get near. Almost immediately the crowd errupts into the usual and very predictable chats of "Jeeerry, Jeerrry". Everyone bar Martha, who is now dust, sits down, although Das is crying because he's just realised he also has John Travoltas boufant hair. Ray and Roy are giving each other high fives for the same reason......Jerry calms down the crowd....and asks Reaper Girl....

"Wow, emotions were high, so why do you think that was so passionate?"

After some crying and a large silence, Reaper Girl admits that its because she is married to some country guy with a huge moustache and that Martha was actually her lesbian lover and they were planning to run away to Equador..........(same old Jerry Springer story).

.....suddenly a flash of light, the crowd dissapears, but Jerry and the bodyguards start to twitch uncontrollably........

*bb.. bbbbb. bbboOOOOOoouUUum*

and the whole scene goes up to the sky..



and Das looked. They all shrugged.


....but all of a sudden Das finds his khaki shorts and uses them to open up an escape fact two escape portals, one for each leg of the shorts......

.....Das, Ray, Reaper Girl and Roy now have a choice - stay and face an uncertain future, or escape through one of the portals.....

....they have two choices, one portal appears to be a black desolate land with dead trees, a howling wind and storms - the other appears to be a green and pleasant land....but all may not be as it first seems....

.....they choose to go.........
..."I don't know about you whackos, but i'm going to the happy land!" Reaper Girl yelled. "See ya!"

"Wait," Ray said, not wanting to lose site of the panties with his Xray vison, "It's not as it seems. The dark 'n stormy place could be really the portal to the happy place, and visa versa."

So they all go to the dark and stormy place. But really...
....Reaper Girl is dreaming of an intimate liason with Ray. Unfortunately for Reaper Girl, Das Mole has talked Ray round to liking khaki shorts, and Ray refuses to touch RG without her first taking off all her clothes and wearing Das's shorts on her head. Since Das wont part with the shorts, that scuppers the liason, so both are rather unhappy, Das is confused - only Roy has a clear head......

.....suddenly out of nowhere, Das's interlectually superior evil little brother jumps out of the shadows and kidnaps Reaper Girl........Ray desperaterly wants to chase after him, but cant do it without her first wearing Das's khaki shorts.......and Das wont part with them....

"get the **** out of here!" das yelled at his little brother. "you're ruining our slightly exciting, slightly boring story! go away!"
"okay..." so he went away.
"now," ray said, "you must give reaper girl your shorts."
"never! can't you see? these portals are what they look like. the happy one is the happy one. the dark one is the evil one. this isn't some kind of strange paradoxical metaphor to personify the meaning of life! there's no hidden description to why the portals are extreme differential ratios. or something. this is what it is. you need to wake up from your dream world(s) guys. this is reality."
"wow." they all said in unison, amazed at how different that was, especially coming from das.
"now let's go. we're going to happyland," das stated. they all entered the portal to happyland, and the portal closed behind them. they so fields filled with flowers and bunny rabbits, with little butterflies skipping around.
as they all went to take a step forward, ray felt a strange lurking around them. "wait!" he warned them. "don't move." they could hear movement in the bushes. there was a shadow lurking around.
and out of the darkness came the martha stewart android, hot
glue guns and needles ablaze. "hello. welcome to the corner of pay and back." the hot glue came shooting rapidly out of the hot glue guns, and needles began shooting out of her mouth. "ha ha ha!"
a few needles landed in reaper girl's right cheek. "aaahh!!! nooo!!! i hate acupuncture!"
the glue hit a few dead leaves on the ground, starting a wildfire. "let's see you stop that!" and with that, martha flew away into the sky.


...manual of style.
"why are you doing that?" asked ray.
"because, i have to rip this apart into tiny pieces, then give it to a clown. that should open another portal to get us out of this hellish otherworld."
"but where are we supposed to get a clown?"
"here. take this." reaper girl handed ray a clown suit.
"where'd you get this from?" ray wondered.
"well, where do you think? obviously it was in the clown supply shop."
"but if they took away your clothes, then how did you still have this?"
"never mind. just put it on."
"okay, i'm done. i'll throw this stylish confetti on you now, ray." das stated. and after he tossed up the very limited amount they had...

it missed ray. not a single shred hit him.
"oh, great, i missed! now how are we supposed to get out of here?"
"look, over there!" reaper girl said. "it's a...
.....huge pair of panties!! (doh!)
"Thank God!" Screams Roy. "I'll just get naked, then put these panties we go." He states. There he stands, with nowhere to go, and oddly, nothing happening.
As he waits and thinks...nearly naked except for an overly large pair of panties, who does he see but the one person he didn't want to walk by in the whole world...

....that person was Das Mole......

Roy, clearly being confused, was not helped by the always confused Das.......who is clinging to his khaki shorts in case Roy tries to pinch them.......

.....all of a sudden Ray Jones struts up and says......

"no comprendo un postre de pan."
Captain Andy, who had disappeared partway through this story, reappeared with a mighty BANG!

"What is going on here?" she asked incredulously. Without waiting for an answer, she sat herself down and started sipping on a beer.

"Whatever you do," she continued, "don't ask me what I endured while posting very, very sparsely for weeks." Here she kicked back and put her feet on the.... table...."It's good to be back home."

All at once, Das Mole's precocious kid brother jumped out and said....
....Andy I've been lusting after your body for weeks.....

.....strangely enough both Ray and Roy said the same thing.....

......Andy wasn't impressed by this though and.....
punished them to polishing her shoes for 3 days. No other could polish like the two of them, an Andy knew it. She forced those two to sit down and scrub her new shoes so hard, no one noticed...

some lemon fanta. after drinking it, they left the bar, and found themselves to be in a very western town, with tumbleweed, saloons and all.

a strange cowboy person rode up on his horse and said something like "fhidwiaovopunawookixkenquevfeiao! myrtighaerowequihnyfsavonacafbhifik!!!".
"Well, I don't know about y'all," drawled Ray, really getting into the cowboy spirit, "but I could use one too!"

So they all went back into the bar and ordered a round of fhidwiaovopunawookixkenquevfeiaomyrtighaerowequihn

After that, they began to ponder their existences and the consequent impact on environmental concerns. (Apparently, that was one of the side effects.)

So Ernie and Roy went to Kentucky Fried Chicken to get some moist towelettes for Das, while Andy was stuck talking to him and his child freak brother.

"Soooo, Das," she began.....
" about you make yourself scarce so I can have a talk with your smooth intelligent talented brother?"
And then all of a sudden the narrator, cast and crew suddenly don't know what the f*** is going on. They are lost and have not a clue of what their purpose in this world (thread) is. So now a new journey begins on a quest to find out what they were meant to be/do.
exiting the bar, captain andy, das, and his annoying kid brother found it had suddenly become stormy. running towards them were ernil and roy, each with three bags full of moist towelettes. lemon scented moist towelettes. and then, out of the saloon across the street, came martha, obviously furious. without noticing any of the five of them standing there, martha pulled a rip cord coming out of her pocket, inflating her panties. she then pushed up with her legs and began to fly away. but, all of a sudden, a tornado came down upon her.
"no!" captain andy screamed. "we have to keep an eye on her!"
"wait!" das said. "i have an idea! everybody take some moist towelettes and start opening them."

five minutes later...

"good. all 6,000 of them are open. when i say 'now', throw the towelettes into the tornado. they'll pick up all of the dirt and dust, and we'll be able to see where martha is!"

ray just stared at das mole and wondered if he ever could have used a toilette and it wont have needed a cleaning after this.. ( )
"Hey Das GRRREAAT idea" he said and Roy was lying to the ground laughing till he nearly cracks up in the middle .. "but i aint got a better one, so lets try it!" ..

as our heroes throw the towelettes they sucked up all the dust and dirt that was flying through the air. but another thing happened.. the vortexes wich are send out from martha were sucking the towels towards martha and somehow they clogged each of martas body openings..

she tried to get rid of the damn towelettes but there was nothing she could do.. she was getting wilder and wilder but all that she attained was she sucked more and more air and towels in ..

finally she exploded with a big bang..

as the air was clear again das mentioned: "uh crap. i didnt though this will happen" .. "look .. you restarted the univers again" ernil yelled .. roy looked around .. "hmm. yeah .. look at this .. this is all so strange stuff." roy sniffed "and this annoying smell .." "oh come on guys" andy said "dont you recognize it marthas inner ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww"

disgusted they looked at each other and immediatly passed out because of the execration.

after destroying martha, they went out to find their true purpose. so they searched around the little town adn came across a religious underwear shop. after walking inside, they found ozzy osbourne standing there. das stepped up and said to ozzy...
...Black Sabbath.....phhhhh!!!! I prefer Motorhead!!!!!!

Ozzy immediately head butted Das, who fell to the first this seemed like a bad thing....but whilst lying on the floor complaining that Ozzy has messed his hair up, Das noticed........
....chickens. (I have no idea.)

Anyway, after they had streamed in sufficiently, Roy looked at Das and noticed a weird look in his eyes.

"Oh crap," he exclaimed, "everybody come look at this."

"Booger," said Ernil, "it's the fake Das Mole. NOW what do we do?"

"I don't know, but do you think it feels a little humid?" said Roy, anxious to get in his tuppence.

Das recited a ten-day weather forecast for Roy's enlightenment, and then made a slight observation on the trigger-happy finger that operated the universe's rebooter.

Everyone gaped in awe, but his little brother said....
"Look! It's Brittany!! The band teller!"

"Where?" screamed fake Das, dropping his chess re-started.

"Dear Lord!" screamed Roy, being the only one to realise that the universe restarted was dropping down, soon to be pressed by a random finger, poking out of the ground. We've got to stop that. Everyone grabbed their chickens, still alive and well, and used them to....
Ernil Poked Djm in the belly. This huge, power Djm delfated like a balloon, and all of the minions he res'd dissapeared in a poof. "I'" the now scrawny, tiny Djm screamed through his tears. "Its just that.....I'm a heroine addict, and love the feeling of being powerful. Please, forgive me" he screamed at the rest.

All of the others sat around, watching this magnificant speticle, until they all noticed that the universe restarter was slowly rolling down the nearby cliff.

"CRAP" yelled Ray, as he sprinted away back to his tricycle. "I'll get it!" he screames, while hobbing down the cliff on the tricycle.

and then and a flash that blinded everyone tempoarly. Djm turned back, now unstoppable Djm(who I may add is a boy )raised all of his minions again now unstoppable. He also raised LeChuck,also now unstoppable.Guybrush,Elaine,or the Vodoo Lady couldn't stop any of them, so they went home screaming and crying.then the towns people gave up.The towns people couldn't do anything without asking Djm or they would be executed. and Djm had many other faces.his original and many others.

but then he and all of his minions fell alseep.
falling asleep then gave ernil, das, ray, roy, and captain andy some time to escape, but alas, it was no use, for 67.4529146 newbie smilies popped up in front of them, overloading their brains, especially das' brain.
"aaaah!!!" he screamed, falling down to the ground. getting back up again, he had knocked himself into being the real das mole again. but unfortunately, the rest of them had fainted from the atroscity of the smilies as well. das had to find a way to get out of this predicament. so he...

ran away the screams woke the minions up and drank way, way, way, way,way,way infinity too much decalf and now they couldn't even blink for the rest of their lifes.Everybody but Das Mole(who was captured) left.DasMole had a secret that only he (and maybe lucas arts) knows that was driving every one crazy. WHAT HAPPEND BETWEEN MI2 & MI3 AND WHERES THE BEST GROG AT IN THE CARRIBEAN???Das Mole had no way to eccape Dracula's clone and an undead army soldier gaurded & tortured him 24/7. Then Das Mole finaly cracked when...
....Ernil pushed him off the couch.

"Good lord," said Roy, "he's got a crack in him running from his armpit to his hip!"

Everyone stared in unrestrained wonder at Das, and then Roy, because Das was wearing a shirt that covered this area.

"Uhhhh.....I have x-ray vision....ahem...." he said, red-faced.

Andy screamed in horror, and Ray began to cry.

"You have ruined me," he sobbed, "I have never been seen naked by anyone, not even my own mother. How can I go on living....and.....I...." here more weeping.

"Hey, don't worry Ray. It's an image I will strive to forget for the rest of my life."

"You jerk," said Andy menacingly, just before she punched him, hard, upside the face.

But all of a sudden the undead armies....

...of elephants came running through the door, all of them carrying a clone of ashanti on top of them. seeing the horrible monsters, andy screamed. "ahh!!! the evil ashanties!" she yelled, ready to faint. but then, as the elephants were about to charge at all of them, they turned their heads toward the door, for a strange rumbling was coming from the other side of it.

then Das Mole said "Guybrush escaped when he went flying off the top of the highest roller coaster and landed on a bumper car not far from big whoop only having a vague memory of big whoop continues in Monkey Island3.Oh yeah the best grog come from my nose when my ear gets twisted".Das Mole twists his ear and grog comes from his nose.Then Djm turns back to normal and the minions go back and the elephants disapeared.Djm says "sorry i caused you all that pain, that was the only i could get the secret from Das Mole now lets come together and form a band of pirates and go after LeChuck and get famous and so begins our next tale Quest For Fame...

Finding their laundry.
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