

Couples and housework

The ironing lady

This just in: men are selfish layabouts

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A. Andros

Oh, dear, dear . . . will it ever end? As if rising gasoline prices and melting icecaps weren't all we could handle,the Gendermisery Meter has shown a slight wobble in favor of males. There is a serious dispute among American and European sociologists over which gender among their populations, the richest in the human of the history race, has the worst case of dish-pan hands. People in Africa are dying of AIDS by the millions and countless millions in India face a bleak future. But, what is all that compared to the angst of an American male struggling to find the right vacuum-cleaner attachment or the American female, flogged about her widescreen TV, dustrag in hand?

The Horror!

In our family, at least, my wife does 90% of the housework.She cooks, cleans, does the laundry and handles all our financial matters. She buys my clothing for me, does all the shopping. She treats me like a cute youngster (I am nearly seventy) who scratches where he shouldn't in public and isn't one bit brighter than he needs to be. It is her opinion that I cannot understand any command more complicated than "Lift your feet, Stupid," when she vacuums.

I, on the other hand, earn 90% of the money. I am up at 6:00 a.m. and don't have any time to myself until after dinner. On weekends I help clean the house, do the dishes and cook at least one meal. I've done this, now, for forty years. My wife worked, mostly part-time, during our marriage and did a splendid job of keeping our son from turning out too much like me.

Which of us has it "easier?" Darned if I know! Each of us does what s/he can to make the marriage work. She cleans like a Trojan, I thoughtfully point out when she misses a spot. She has the tougher time with a myriad of never-ending day-to-day tasks that nag at her constantly. I'm gone most of the day, bobbing and weaving at work. On the whole, I think I have the better deal because I like being out with people. Adult company is scarce for her during the day and, even worse, when it is present in the evening, it is me.

Marriage really should not be thought of as "Who is working harder than whom?" Which was worse? To leave on a 7:00 a.m. Monday flight for the Coast and return, exhausted, on the Red-Eye Friday night? Or, to come nose to nose with a cranky toddler, a quarter-ton of wet laundry and a sense of expectations never realized (my very, very smart wife has an MBA from Stern)?

Now in our fifth decade of marriage we have never tried to quantify "Who is working harder?" I have always been against this exercise out of fear it would be embarrassing for me and my wife has no need to learn what she already knows.

The fact is, we both work hard. We are also both extraordinarily lucky. By world standards we are wealthy. We live in a lovely house in a lovely 'burb and sent our child to an expensive private college as easy as pie. Our big problem this summer is whether to spend part of it in Paris or in NYC at an expensive hotel.

I hope TE keeps us updated on who has it hardest between the sexes in Zimbabwe or Mumbai. In the meantime, I'll quietly continue to feel that the real issue for American and Europeans isn't "Who works harder?" but, rather, "Who has it best?"

The answer to that questions is, "By world standards -- BOTH of us!"

jay moore

The key fact that so much discussion and research on this topic ignores is that the majority of household chores are unnecessary. Remarkably few deaths are attributable to poor housekeeping. One does housework largely because one enjoys the end products: an uncluttered room, a home-cooked meal, a neatly-trimmed lawn.

In assessing the fairness of the household division of labor, it is necessary to account for the value that each partner places on the end results. Yes, the tidy room is used by all, whether or not they contributed to making it so, but the amount of additional enjoyment each gets from its tidiness is not evenly distributed. It is only fair that the partner who derives more satisfaction from the results should bear more of the burden for accomplishing them.


Ever hear of "man clean" vs "woman clean?" It refers to a view point unique to each sex of what constitites a 'clean house'. I have heard practically every man I know relate an effort help with the housework, only to see that work redone by the female along with a resigned disparagement of said above attempt. All the guys said this had happened repeatedly and predictably. They did not feel encouraged to thereafter try again. I feel very confidant that polling on this point would reveal consistent results from the guys that they really tried but are their efforts are summarily dismissed. I will end by saying that male readers of the education level common to this newspaper are in the majority not slobs or uncaring about a happy household.

CT Programmer

I really think a lot of it is conditioning. Women are EXPECTED to be the default cleaner, cook, clothes-washer. And they are expected to be that the most by other women. I knew a couple one time where both worked yet the woman got up a hour earlier than she had to to iron the husband's work shirts. Their tales of when they visited HIS mother told it all. The wife was expected to help the mother-in-law cook and clean while the husband "took it easy". Last I saw them she was leaving him. While that is an extreme example, it does go to show how even though she resented all of it, she still did it for quite a while. And he still expected it. But I think this is kind of a waning trend from the older generation.

I don't think my dad ever dusted in his life, but I do the vast majority of the housework, cooking, shopping, etc. in our house (I also work from home, so have more time to do it). With our three kids, they all have equal chores regardless of gender. They have to clean their rooms, pick up their stuff around the house, set the table, clear and wash the table, and take turns helping cook dinner. None of them LIKE doing any of it, but it is expected. When they start doing laundry (they're too young now), it won't matter what gender they are. Same with pushing the mower (I look forward to that day!!!). I would be very surprised if this survey's results hold in 20 years.


The study should also include the amount of time spent on housework by people living on their own.
My guess is that men living on their own also spend significantly less time on it than women living on their own.
Men simply value the result of housework less than women and therefore invest less in it.
Men doing less housework than women is not a result of women being expoited. Women simply have higher standards when it comes to cleanliness and tidyness. Women do more housework because they like their homes to be clean and tidy more than men do.

anna.d.0102 in reply to napocapo69

May I take a stab at your opinion:

"Women do most of housework because they want it, noone is forcing them"
Someone between the two of them has to pick up the responsibility of straightening things around the house, and no one likes to live in a mess. More often than not, the women are expected to do that first. I think the article is only trying to point out gender different attitude to household chores. It doesn't take the beating to prove that women are more likely to be the first one to pick up the broom in the house.

Pay gap does exists, especially when the majority of women still have to take leaves for pregnancy, child labor and raising children. By the time they get back to work, their male colleagues have already gained more working experience than they do and may have gotten the raise for the same job.

That leads to your third point about " MEN DO THE MOST RISKY, STRESSFUL AND HEAVY JOBS". Agree that for some certain professions, physical ability is called for to do the jobs, which most women lack. But I highly doubt that you can say that men's jobs are more stressful than women's.


I have 2 maids so I do no housework whatsoever. My wife enjoys cooking during her off-days and she's quite talented at it. Life is great in Kenya if you're not poor.

mb2zpFrGgM in reply to A. Andros

Now do your job and hers, welcome to the lives of your granddaughters. Combine with the pending debt and climate change crisis it's a wonder we drag ourselves out of bed. Back to the scrubbing, early am flight to catch.


My husband and I also share DOING the housework and LOOKING AFTER the children equally. However, all the planning and organising falls solely on me, what to buy for dinner and where, what to cook, managing the children's appointments, adjusting our routines to their changing needs as they are growing, thinking up emergency plans in case of unexpected events, etc. etc. And this is what consumes lots of my mental energy and I must admit keeps me from taking on more work (I'm self-employed). I believe that such surveys consistently understimate the management work many women do, which doesn't give them enough free thinking time to get ahead at work. So I certainly think the article has a point.


really a sexist article, driven by a feminist agenda.
Women do most of housework because they want it, noone is forcing them, unless you prove that men beat them if houseworks are not done
Pay Gap is false, and women in same position and working hours get nearly same wage


Let's see...I give my youngest daughter her twice-weekly bath. I make dinner seven days a week. I prepare breakfast for the younger two, and frequently their lunch, not to mention helping them with their homework. I have done vastly more dishes than my wife (either arranging the dishwasher or actually by hand). I vacuum the bulk of the 1st floor at least weekly. I get the gets in bed 95% of the time. I try my hand at washing the clothes, but was given a stern talking to just today because apparently I did it "wrong." I guess I've done my part to avoid this stereotype.

probablynotarealist in reply to calminn

I like my stuff ordered one way, and she another, but she wins when she puts her foot down :) if I tidy, it always gets altered. Differences of views on what looks good etc. I guess.

Also, I don't know if this is similar to other peoples experiences, but I have found that guys tend to have a very "all or nothing" switch when tidying: either it gets chucked in a corner and it's done, or else the entire evening is spent finding a place for everything, and putting everything in it's place in the most obsessive of ways


As I've studie and reflected on women's issues over the years, in addition to social conditioning of woman to be a factor driving women to be the primary home caretakes, I wonder to what extent there are biological components that propel women to "clean" and "organize" their homes? You see this in nature. Among many creatures it is the female who is the caretaker/cleaner of the home.

napocapo69 in reply to anna.d.0102

May I take a stab at your opinion?
As in intercourse, expecting is not pretending... Someone as more duties than the other, but that gives you no credit for anything.
Pay gap does not exist.
All studies have proven that similar jobs with similar effort have equal pay. It is a false statement (the infamous glass ceiling, you do not see it but is there...) to cover real discrimination against men (should I mentions a few example?...no I guess we all know).
Men jobs (especially meaning those where you get more money, those that generates the pay gap...) are by far more stressful, i stress it. Like it or not.
One thing I agree with you; none is forcing men to do those jobs, and men indeed are not considering them enforced to
Truth is bold, but it is truth.


This article, like many, strikes me as incomplete and that the author is missing the obvious. Amongst the many women I know, it is universal - the women care more than the men that the house be clean. Sure there are likely tons of exceptions, as usual. But typically it seems to be the women who wants to wake up to a clean kitchen. It is the women who want to relax in a picked up living room after the kids are asleep. It is the women who think ahead about how tomorrow morning would go better if some laundry was done today. This article looks at these more complex issues, possiblilities to be sure, but as usual doesn't talk about the elphant in the room.

A. Andros in reply to mb2zpFrGgM

Alas, I have no such wonderful creature in my life as a granddaughter (or daughter.)

I would give my left arm (or testicle -- hardly use THOSE anymore!) for a granddaughter! If I had one, she'd be driving around town on her sixteenth-birthday in a new, red, Mercedes roadster!


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