James Earl Jones

James Earl Jones can't use Jedi powers to choke you, but he can vocalize at a frequency that will make you involuntarily shit your pants.

A Google Image search for James Earl Jones returns 1.8 million results. This picture is 1.79 million of them. Of those, 500,000 are this picture with a mohawk photoshopped in.

Just The Facts

  1. James Earl Jones is a Shakespearean actor.
  2. Jones used to use "Darth Vader" as his handle when he had a CB radio
  3. Despite the fact that he has appeared in a film with Kevin Costner, Jones still has a career.
  4. Your lack of faith does not disturb him in the least, but he would like you to purchase the Bible on tape, as read by James Earl Jones.

Story of a Legend

James Earl Jones was born in Mississippi. Being intelligent, he got the fuck out of there as soon as he could. He made his way to Michigan, where he attended college. While attending college, he joined the ROTC. He was certain that he would be shipped off the fight in the Korean War once he recieved his officer's commision. However, he would not have to do battle with Koreans until many years later, when he starred in Best of the Best.

He is best known, of course, for being the voice of Darth Vader, ensuring that hordes of Fanboys get a boner whenever they hear his voice, which gets pretty awkward when the family is trying to watch The Lion King.

Jones has had to face death rumors on multiple occasions. In 1998, James Earl Ray, who murdered Martin Luther King, Jr., passed away. A radio announcer for the Pittsburgh Pirates mistakenly reported that James Earl Jones had died. In 2008, a radio DJ from Atlanta reported Jones had died.