The Story of a Black Punk

© copyright 1982 by Stephen Donaldson
These letters I think you will find self explanatory and I expect you will find them educational.

June 24, 1982:

"I'm a 35 year old Black man, married and an ex-offender - and an ex-punk. I got busted the first time when I was just a kid and they sent me to a 'Youth Facility' which is just another fancy way of saying 'Reform School.' My first night there 6 dudes took me off and from that night until I was released I was forced to give it up to anyone that wanted me. .... Whenever I'd hit one joint there would be dudes that had had me in other joints and my reputation would be passed around. I have been forced to be a punk for 17 years (all of them figuratively behind me now that I'm doing well) but the years of sexual slavery weigh heavily on my mind occasionally. The first time I got raped I didn't know anything about sex and was too ashamed to ask my father for comfort. No matter where I was or who raped me, they always referred to me as a 'girl' which messed with my sexual identity....

"You isolated the important thing: even though we are constantly subjected to homosexual rape we remain heterosexual. I was able to get my identity straightened out with the help of a Black psychologist who patiently worked with me for three years. I also had some racist problems to deal with. Since I'm light skinned the first dudes that raped me were Blacks who thought I was white. After word got out that I was Black they left me alone but then the whites took me off. After that I was a "Black" punk and passed on to whites.

"You were so right when you wrote about the misery, humiliation, isolation; and shame involved in our shared experience. I'm totally ashamed to admit this even to you and we are 'Brothers' in experience. Possibly what our Brothers in misery must be brought to understand is that we remain heterosexual and have NOT lost our manhood with the rape. Sexual relations with women are still possible and that our painful experiences don't physically change us in any way.... Another thing I personally have had to deal with is my heavy hostility as a result of my victimization for 17 years. I have dealt with my hatred by pushing myself to go back to school and acquiring my ... degree in psychology.

'The one thing, to this very day, that I can't admit to anyone is that I was ever raped.... My wife, a tender and understanding Black woman, is supportive and our relationship is beautiful ...and healthy. I sublimate my hostility by working hard to save our people from going back which, in my imagination, is a way of starving the system which I believe is responsible for my years of humiliation.

"I would avoid contact with homosexuals since they seem to view our painful experiences as 'tintillating' and 'exciting'. It has been my experience that the gays just want to hear about the actual rapes and then move on, leaving the speaker ashamed and lonely.

"Well, my Brother, take care and for God's sake don't let anybody in the joint know what you're up to or they'll mess you over."

September 15, 1982:

"I was first raped when I was about 13 years old (12 1/2?) and turned out in a youth house. Since I was one of maybe three Blacks in the dorm, the whites there made me their punk and I had to service the whole dorm - including my Brother Blacks. Your poem 'Seventh Rapist' messed up my head when I first read it since it brought me back to many rapes and I could almost relive the agony, humiliation and confusion I felt often. What a shock! Donny, you were able to capture the moment so truthfully that it was amazing and kind of scary. In fact, even the poem about 'The Booty Bandits' caught on paper exactly how they get us - they were superb.

"I had a very good friend (almost my Brother we were so close) and he knew of my being forced to become a punk in the State joint. His reaction was ' could happen to anybody.' He told me not to be ashamed and he remained my partner - then he got busted.... Puerto Ricans raped him often for nine months and although he knew I knew what happened to him, he denied everything... has avoided me like the very plague and I haven't seen him since. Donny, these dudes seem to feel such intense shame that they can't open up about their rapes.

"Many whites got turned on seeing a Black dude getting raped and joined in where perhaps they might not have if the victim was white. I have been raped and beaten by Blacks as a punishment for permitting myself to be raped by whites. The racial politics is a very real thing as you already know my brother.

"Rothenberg is full of shit. He acts as if 'Fortune Society' is THE answer to everything and is intolerant of any other point of view. I avoid him like hell and don't want to have anything to do with him.

"The racial crap makes things so much more rotten for folks like us.

"Blacks are 'homo-phobic' (perhaps that is my personal prejudice showing) and not too serious about abolishing evil that affects them.

"I had the same response from my wife about me being a better lover behind my prison experiences and she says it made me more thoughtful in bed.

"I pretended to go with the whole thing for fear of death, but the shame to me was terrible. Still, I have to confess that getting fucked by a tender, gentle jock was better than the vicious gang-bangs and there was pride in making my man happy in bed... The s & m freaks... always scared the hell out of me and were the worse of all the jocks in the any joint I was in."

October 7, 1982:

"I haven't done too much thinking about these things and to my surprise, they are still painful. It's hard to put them down on paper and to tell someone who is a stranger to me (even though you have suffered the same things).

"I got busted on a silly theft rap (stole a toy...) and they sent me to the ... Youth Facility for ten days. The first night three older teens raped me for two hours. The second night the three dudes came back with three friends and they all took turns raping me again. It was the first experience I ever had with white folks and the other Black kids didn't lift a finger to help me out. They just turned away. The next day I was accosted by two custodians who told me they had heard I was turned into a girl by some of the other dudes - they raped me orally. I spent the rest of my time there servicing the three dudes that took me off the first night and depending how they felt, their buddies as well. I remember how my insides hurt but I was too ashamed to even report it and then when I finally got out I was too scared to even go to a doctor.

"When I was 14 I got busted for 'joy-riding' in a 'borrowed' car (smile) and sentenced to a year at.... The first day there I was put into a dorm and one of the three dudes who initially took me off in the youth house was on the same dorm. He told the rest of the inmates that I got turned out and then beat me badly in front of the other guys. He topped his beating off by raping me and established my identity on the dorm as the 'nigger punk'. I spent that year servicing the boys in the dorm and any of their friends that wanted sex. Donny, that was when I realized that my position wasn't too different from my ancestors and that for the rest of the year I wasn't any different from a plantation slave.

"Would you believe that as I typed the above I started to get all choked up and actually felt like crying? Talk about actual catharsis (smile).

"When I was about 15 1/2 years old I ran away from home... My sex with girls was terrible and I couldn't always get hard. Lots of times, if I got hard then I couldn't cum. This scared me and I began to think that I really got turned into a freak or something. So, I ran off. Got as far as ... and tried to call home but I didn't have any money. So, I broke into a car and stole a camera and some petty shit that was in the glove compartment. Got busted and did a year in ... county /jail/. I remember the second night when a Puerto Rican dude paid the hack to leave my cell door unlocked. Donny, this dude was BIG and he just walked right into my cell and told me he was going to fuck my sweet ass. I got up real fast and tried to run out of the cell but he grabbed me the hair and punched me in the face. I remember that I was bleeding from the nose and suddenly I was on the bunk, pants off and my legs were on his shoulders. He told me that he liked his girls Black and that he wanted me to be his girl. I agreed to the arrangement and was his punk for the whole year I there. He was into s & m which was my first experience with that shit. It was my first experience with 'ride the whip' too. He would invite his buddies (whites and Puerto Ricans) to his cell where I would be forced to sit on his lap with his dick up my ass. Then he would masturbate me while his friends would take turns raping my mouth. God, even now I'm humiliated telling anyone about that.... I learned that I had to do everything a wife did and my existence depended on his contentment. If I resisted his little torture scenes, he would beat me and I would wind up doing it anyway.
"Donny, you wrote... about how you couldn't escape the sense that

...had conquered you and I could relate to that feeling too. This Puerto Rican jock just walked up and there wasn't anything I could do to stop it. He just took possession of me and for one year I belonged to him. This again took on the aspects of slavery which I guess is what all of us punks experience. Still, with a Black punk it takes on certain connotations....I felt totally humiliated when my rapists were white and terribly sad when Blacks took me off.

"My bids at the State level were for armed robbery... My first night out of quarantine I was gang raped in the shower and the word went into population that I was fully turned out. I got raped a few more times until a Black Brother offered to be my man which I accepted right away to avoid getting killed. He wasn't too bad but he got into heavy debt and 'sold' me to this other Black dude for swag to get him off hot seat. By this time Donny, I was beginning to identify with slaves and took it with a grain of salt. I became terribly depressed suddenly and my new man ignored my feelings and moods. It got real bad and I began to withdraw into a fantasy world. It was this time that I started to get psychotherapy which helped me deal with my self-conflicts.

"I met my wife when I was back on the streets and she helped me out sexually. Thank God for her patience Donny. I got back some of my old confidence thanks to her. Still, in a short period of time I was back in prison.

"My reputation as a punk before was still is fresh in the minds of the men who raped me before and before long I was getting offers. Two Italian dudes raped me in very much the way ... got to you in July. I started to get depressed again and the way they treated me (and all the other punks too) began to mess with my head. I was terribly scared all the time and humiliated by the things they would yell as I walked by.... My first year back in ... they had the riot and that probably did the trick. I remember it like it was only one minute ago - a straight dude (also Black) and I were walking near the school when a huge gang of crazy cons came running up the stairs screaming and yelling. They saw us and started yelling 'Get the queers' (at this time I didn't know what was jumping off). They grabbed us and dragged us into the t.v. room, Stripped us and draped us side by side overthe back of a sofa. They took turns raping us anally and orally simultaneously. I don't know how many there were but they were lined up all the way to the stairs to get at us. I passed out and woke up in the hospital with both my arms broken. As soon as I got out of the hospital one of the Italian dudes that raped me came up and offered to be my man and I accepted. I was thankful for the protection and greatful that he didn't force me to wear drag. However, I played the total woman and for three years I became the perfect punk in every way. The young man that was raped with me in the t.v. room went on a shooting spree two years ago and was shot to death by the police.

"This has proven to be weird and I'm not too sure that I ve actually delt with my feelings as well as I originally thought. I feel very humiliated that you should know what happened to me, even though I know you understand."

November 5, 1982:

"I'm terribly suspicious of 'scientists' whose business is to collect experimental facts for books, and/or papers.

"You wrote...that you felt Blacks had an aura of overwhelming power to you and of course, considering your experiences, that is under- standing. The odd thing is that I feel the same way about whites."

November 28, 1982:

"It's wild that we perceive each other's ethnic group basically the same way. My perception of whites is reinforced daily out here and your perception of Blacks is reinforced daily in there. Its weird.

"You mentioned 'ambivalences' in your letter...and I'm in complete agreement with you on that. Penetration is both painful and pleasurable. Being owned is both humiliating and comforting when the person takes care of you and protects you. There is even a great deal of sensuality in being humiliated. Yes, I did experience 'water sports' in much the same way you described. Yes, there was actual physical torture in .... Safety pins inserted into the nipples and crazy stuff like that. Spankings with a belt by the dude and his friends..There is even an ambivalent feeling about being considered the lowest on the totem pole or about being a slave. There is ambivalent feelings about not having a will of your own and having the choice taken away from you. I think back on /the riot rapes/ and even tnat has a weird tinge of sensuality about it. I found reputation I got from that experience both humiliating and exciting.

"After the t.v. room incident I spent time in the hospital...After gettinq released from the hospital I was gorillared into becoming this Black dude's punk. He made me work the joint for him, turning tricks for swag and drugs. Come to think about it Donny, I never was courted. They just put their claim on me or sold me. I never was good with my hands and I guess I'm easily intimidated which worked in their favor. I've been beaten so many times that I hate the thought of fighting - when I know I don't have a chance. They always got what they wanted anyways so why go through the extra pain.

"There is a dude that just moved into the project where we're living. He was one of the dudes in the t.v. room incident and we met on the elevator the other day. He recognized me and I'm wondering what trouble this will cause - you mentioned once not being able to avoid the feeling of being conquered and now I can dig what you mean. I was intimidated immediately."

December 5, 1982

"I didn't have relationships with the gays in the joints I was in My time was totally taken up by the dudes who had me and I was usually working for them in one way or anotner. As for other punks, Occasionally we would cry on each others' shoulders or just share our company since nobody really would allow us in their presence except to use us for their pleasures or clean up after them. My relationships were always very superficial, Donny, and I was usually on my guard against anybody.

"The one fear I had when I got out was that I couldn't relate to anybody especially a woman. I actually believed for a while that I had lost my male identity and couldn't sexually satisfy any girl. It took many efforts and one hell of a lot of patience on my wife's part for me to conquer my fears. Another thing was guilt and that still haunts me just a bit. It hangs in there but I'm dealing with it. There was a feel- ing of self-loathing that fucked with my head for a while too.

"Being held by another man would be very comforting. Inside, nobody ever showed me compassion, friendship or gentleness. Nobcdy ever held me except to use me Donny.

"You asked me about 'water sports'. My first encounter with thet - was in ....Some white dudes had me on my knees and the leader of that pack was mocking me out to the other jocks when he forced my mouth open and then pissed into it. I was shocked at first but I had to keep on swallowing it. The other dudes all laughed at me and then they started to piss all over me while making racial remarks. It was the most humilia- ting experience I could remember behind the fact it was connected with my inferiority as a Black man and a punk. Occasionally my man would use my mouth to releave himself instead of making the effort to go to the toilet. ...Durlng the mass rape at ... many of the dudes who were fucking my mouth would cum in me and then follow it up with a stream of piss to wash it down. That I remember very clearly. The dudes who were fucking my ass sometimes pissed over me after they had cum in me.
"You hit it right on the head when you wrote about total surrender bringing with it a feeling of relaxation. I found that happening at... when I was there for that year.....It was also true of my reactions in

...My Puerto Rican man was crude, to put it mildly, but there was never any doubt I belonged to him and that took ALL responsibility for what was being done to me out of my hands. ... 'Riding the Whip' was terribly humiliating for me but even that got to be just another experience.. I came to take the jokes end the laughter from the spectaters as of the experience and they didn't bother me so much after a while. Hell, Donny, if we let the cruel remarks and the ridicule we experience get to us we would all go crazy. Christ, so many punks I saw took the jokes and the humiliations to heart and got seriously depressed to the brink of suicide."

December 8, 1982:

"I was never courted... and never to my knowledge made a decision to become a punk. I just assumed the role that was there for me to fill and I guess the wolves just chose me with little difficulty. I've always been sensitive about getting beaten (smile) and maybe there is an awe of white superiority that has been engendered through experience every day of my life. You sort of get used to being viewed with contempt by whites out here ...and I took my role of a punk as inevitable.

"I'm greatful for one thing in all this experience my Brother. It gave me a first hand knowledge and awareness of what my People went through in the old days of slavery (which we all go through in a more subtle form to this very day) and it strengthened my ties with my own People. The actual contest for me was to avoid letting the feelings turn to hatred which would destroy me and present those who afflicted me with a serious victory; the destruction of my soul. That hasn't happened, thank God.

"There seems to be a reality to the theory that one has to go through a hell of suffering to come out stronger...What can the world do to us to break us if we came through this thing and not been totally broken, in fact stronger for the experience? We have to use the experience to grow inside end to my knowledge, we have done just that.... Knowing you Donny thrcugh these letters has given me a new perception of folks and a new perception of myself. Would you believe that I now view my role of 'punk' in more positive terms end see myself as belonging to a large brotherhood of folks who have survived terrible ordeals?

"Have you ever had to rim enbody?...I was forced to do this often but oddly enough, it was always forced upon me by my white attackers. I believe they saw it as a humiliation and connected with racial infer- iority behind the fact that it was elmust always accompanied by racial slurs find verbal abuse..

"Isn't it strange that Convicts never see each other as Brothers in a joint experience instead of focusing on the differences that fuck up society all the time?"

January 28, 1983:

"My turning out experience happened when I was 12 1/2 years old. Before that I had been going out with girls for about a year or so. I can ac- tually remember the first sexual experience with a chick when I was 11 years old...Donny, I have to boast that I was great with the girls and I was awfully skilled at 'getting over' (smile) but I know that the loved it - at least, I sure as hell did (double smile). My first night at the youth facility was scary since it was the first time I was ever 'locked up'. That first nlgnt I was cornered by three Blacks... who teased me about being hairless (or some sort of jive nonesense which I realize now was just the stupid ritual they where into) and so small that I reminded them of a girl. The leader was nicknamed 'tree' and he began to rap with has buddies, in front of me to scare the hell out of me (which it did...) about how he could use a little pussy right then and there. I knew what they were referring to and I started to break away but they grabbed me. I can remember begging them not to hurt me but 'tree' kept talking that dumb shit and then his buddies stripped me. When I got to yelling (that was the first time I can ever remember being terrified) they gagged me with my drawers and this dude 'tree' ordered his friends to get me down on the floor. That done, he got on me and I can remember he mentioned something about me shaking and stuck a finger in my ass. It hurt a lot and he told me to relax. This I remember but nothing at all except the terrible agony when he penetrated my ass. I don't actually remember anything else in detail...I do know I felt like I was burning and I remember the shock of feeling the warm darts inside of me (which strikes me as weird now). Then the others took their turn and it hurt just as bad. They left me alone and I was in agony. They told me that I was now a sweet girl and they liked what they got. I remenber panic at the thought that I might actually have been made a female and then the hysteria when I found that I was bleeding a little.

"I have no ldea of what became of the initial three... except I met one of the other two in my second 'lock-up'. I hate and despise them from the depths of my soul and hope only the worst for all of them. Enough said!

"The second night they returned with three white friends and it started all over again. Except this time they spread-eagled me on the floor. While one was fucking my ass another would make me suck his dick. The others held my arms and legs. This time I remember it hurt just as much as the nignt before and the shame was felt deeply and that shame remains (dull) to this day. As I write this I can still feel the fear (terror actually) and the intense anger I felt at that time. ...It felt somehow doubly shamefull to he raped by a white man than it did to get taken off by my own people. ...There were no racial insults just refer- ences to my 'sweetness' etc. I'm sure they would have said something, as the others did later on, except for the fact that their partners in the rape were Blacks and there would have been trouble. A remark from one white that I was 'a born cock sucker' I remember caused me to fear that I was what he said I was....They left me alone finally but told me they would be back and I was a bundle of shame and agony not to mention terror.

"The two custodians were white and much older dudes. I can't even guess at their ages at this time. They stopped me in the corridor and told me that they had heard I had been turned onto a girl. They forced me into a closet and while one dude held his hand over my mouth the other warned me they would beat the shit out of me if I resisted or screamed. They told me that they would say I approached them which would make my stay there even longer and that sounded pretty much the way it would be. Then they forced me to suck their dicks. I remember the shame of being on my knees and taking white cock which still sticks in my craw...I think I remember feeling the shock of the tool going beyond my pallet and the terrible smell. Later I was afraid that they were 'dirty' and I'd get terrible sores around my face.

"The third night it started again wlth my initial attackers and that went on until I was set free.... sometimes it was the three Blacks and sometimes they would have their white friends.

"My second time in lock-up (... ) the one who beat me was from the initial three Blacks and I don't remember his name. I think he wanted to show his superiority to the other boys in the dorm but I'm not sure. I know he beat me and when I was down he pulled off my pants and then raped me in front of all the other boys. I remember though that not every- body liked what they saw but they all made me their punk after that. I don't know if any of the other Blacks had been raped but I believe that they joined in making me their punk to avoid getting hurt themselves. One thing I do remember is being finally convinced that I actually was a girl and being glad that the awful pain seemed to go away wlth time. The one thing that kept me from admitting to myself that this was good was the fact that they took my presents and money that my parents sent me, otherwise I didn't mind the sex if I could avoid getting beaten. One day I spent the entire day on sick-call so I could take the dudes that wasted to be serviced. I believe I serviced 45 or so and that seems to be the most I ever got used by. I think.

"I agree: Blacks seem to be into ass and whites seem to be into head.

"In ...county, I was 15 1/2 years old, and I was in the same block with adults. I believe the Puerto Rican jerked me off to humiliate me and to convince me I loved what was being done to me. It fucked up my head Donny behind the fact I initially told myself that I hated the sex but then I loved the jerking off. Finally, I admitted to myself I loved the wildness of the experience - even the pins which came to represent a symbol of possession to me. I believe I actually grooved on the whole scene.
"I hated getting fucked and I hated getting dicked in the mouth from the beginning but I eventually got to preferring fucked.

"About the pissing in /the riot/. The dudes in the t.v. room were all stoned out of their minds (a reason for my fear of being killed at that time - an almost certainty that I would die that night). It sounds ridiculous Donny, but these bastards were so stoned out of their 'minds' that I'm sure they didn't notice the wet skin or if they did, I'm sure they didn't care...

"I remember only one dude that was kind to me, a Brother in .... named 'Doc' who worked in the pharmacy. I was his 'wife' and he always treated me nicely as long as I continued to play that role. 'Doc' in- sisted that I be as femenine as it was possible for me to be but if I ever got into my 'male bag' he would get very rough. Still, he was gentle and kind. He shared his (and my) packages with me and we were friends when I got paroled. We send cards at Christmas and I still like the man. My response to his kindness was to do whatever I could to make his (our) time easier and a warmth towards him (to this day) for taking care of me so I didn't get hurt badly. When he sent me out to turn tricks for him Donny, he actually split everything fifty-fifty which I found thoughtful and a sign of his affection which I reciprocated. 'Doc' seems at this time to be the only kind man I ever met in the joint... 

"My wife was shocked when I told her. She helped me with patience and kindess which brought me out of my intense fear - that I could never satisfy a woman. Before that I suffered from impotence that almost drove me to suicide. She takes a lot of convincing (smile) and wouldn't give up on me. Now we have a wonderful sex life together...thank God. Back to raje


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