to want to be on the deeds of my new husbands flat

(117 Posts)
mpi Sun 17-Feb-13 14:37:33

i married by partner of 4 years last october and moved into a flat which he owns outright...when we have argued he has threatened to throw me out and change the locks which has made me feel insecure....when we last made up and i explained how insecure this made me feel he offered voluntarily to put the flat in our joint names...after cancelling several solicitors appointments he now says he never understood what joint ownership meant, and now he refuses to do it and has stormed out (again) accusing me of trying to con him out of half his house.
Am i being unreasonable to think that when married...what we each have is shared?

CabbageLeaves Sun 17-Feb-13 22:09:13

I'm amazed at people who think that when they marry they have an automatic right to take 50% of their spouses life savings. Is that what marriage is about?

I think OP has a dysfunctional relationship. Threatening to throw someone out etc is the behaviour of a controlling person but then so is insisting you own half of a house you haven't bought?

Marriage is not about living completely separately and not supporting each other. Nor is it about one person solely providing for another. It should be two way. I'd never expect to go on deeds of a house I hadn't bought. I would use the money I was saving on rent to accumulate my own investment.

What's his is mine and what's mine is mine... ? I'd run a mile if someone thought that about me

OP, you have been married just four months; that's quite some amount of arguing that is going on, so soon into a marriage. You'd been together 4 years - did you argue before you married? If you didn't, what are the arguments about; and if you did, what ultimatum did he serve you with then, since you didn't live with him so he couldn't threaten to throw you out?

Set aside the question of the ownership of this flat for now, because IMO the arguing and the threats to throw you out are a bigger issue. This is not normal for early married life, it really isn't.

CloudsAndTrees Sun 17-Feb-13 22:26:06

The husband may have had a reason to threaten to throw her out.

For all we know the threat was preceded by her telling him that she wanted to leave, or she would lock him out if he was late home, or she could have done any number of things that made him justifiably angry that led him to say things he didn't mean in a temper.

I'm not saying it's ok to threaten to kick someone out of their home, but there are two sides to every story.

Spero Sun 17-Feb-13 22:31:36

I don't think it is ever ok to threaten to kick someone out of their home, no matter the provocation. It says unpleasant things about what is going on in the mind of the person making the threats.

If they can't sit down and talk about where they see this marriage going, it is doomed, house or no house.

If you have not contributed to the mortgage and he finished paying it off before you were involved then no I don't think you should demand to be put on the deeds.

If a woman on here said my new husband is demanding half of my home now I do not think many would say well yes give it to him!!

What you need to focus on is why you are arguing so much. His attitude is of course quite immature but rather than worrying now about WHAT IF he kicks me out I would worry about preventing the arguments in the first place.

HildaOgden Sun 17-Feb-13 22:39:35

One piece of advice.....don't have children with him.A man who,within 4 months of marriage,is repeatedly threatening to throw you out is not a keeper.

CloudsAndTrees Sun 17-Feb-13 22:42:51

It's not ok to threaten to kick someone out of their home, but it's not ok to demand half of a major asset when you have contribute nothing either!

It doesn't say much for either of them if one is making threats and the other is making demands. They clearly don't have much faith in the relationship, or trust in each other.

Spero Sun 17-Feb-13 23:02:11

But if this was a good marriage he would have been able to talk to her - why do you want to go on the deeds? Do you feel insecure? What can we do to make this better? Buy/rent somewhere else? Own it legally 50/50 but enter into a trust to reflect fact he owns more of beneficial interest?

I can't see where the love is in this relationship. Two people who at best are very suspicious and distrustful of each other. Madness that this wasn't discussed and resolved before marriage, particularly after 4 year relationship.

"i agree that we should move to a new place and share ownership/tennancy - but he refuses to move"
That would be the best solution IMO. Right now you have moved into his house, which, with the best will in the world, must make him feel slightly 'invaded' albeit with his agreement. Moving to a home that is new to both of you will make it feel like a joint home to both of you.

Why does he refuse to move, mpi? What is tying him to this one property?

Sallyingforth Mon 18-Feb-13 11:14:54

Where are you OP?

I asked you at the start "Why on earth did you marry this guy?" and nothing I have seen since has answered it.

As others have said, there are such huge issues between you that really where you live at the moment isn't important. What is really key is the sort of expectations you both have of a relationship that is devoid of mutual respect or trust.

whois Mon 18-Feb-13 12:21:20

I actually don't think you should have a share of his flat. All you pay is half of the bills. If you paid for anything capital then yes, you should have a share.

I own a house from pre DP (we live in a rented flat in another city) and if we got married there is no way his name would go on the house deeds as he has contributed nothing to the deposit, mortgage or running of it as a rental property.

That aside, your DH sounds like a right twat and I don't think the house issue is the real problem. You can't live somewhere so insecurely. Maybe you should get a proper tens by agreement drawn up!

mpi Mon 18-Feb-13 19:03:37

i have spoken to my husband several times about buying new property together ... he flatly refuses to move from this house. I actually never suggested putting my name on the deeds - that was always his suggestion, which seemed to change after several cancelled solictors appointments...i just cant stay in a home where technically i can be made homeless... so i think i will have to buy somewhere of my own and move out. i feel insecure because he has always had a tendency to run away, walk out, ignore me for days on end if he feels slighted and i have been rather weak and silly to think that this would stop when we were married.....

JamieandtheMagicTorch Mon 18-Feb-13 20:58:23


do you think it would help to talk more about the rows etc? Maybe on here or start a new thread in Relationships? You are going to get more replies regarding the house, which I don't think is the main issue.

Lovelygoldboots Mon 18-Feb-13 21:09:49

I agree with Jamie. This is all about feeling secure in your marriage and you clearly don't. Hope you can sort things out.

notmyproblem Mon 18-Feb-13 23:06:59

OP, look at this not as a crisis but an opportunity. Buy your own place, move out, and RUN LIKE HELL from this useless excuse for a husband. Seriously, he's doing you a favour here. Please listen to what he's saying and look out for yourself and preferably get rid of him so you can get on with your own life!

Agree. Cut your losses and run like fuck.

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 18-Feb-13 23:26:42

He can't make you homeless without a court order but I agree with the others sack him.

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