January 7, 2011 by

I love games, as some of my readers can already tell. There's nothing like a new game that grips your soul, pillages your free time, and squeezes your social life until it's bone dry. That's fine; it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. To be honest, I have a family, and I have everything I need in the confines of my own home. All I need is my (pregnant) woman, my dog, and my video games. It's that simple for me. But with every Yin there is a Yang, and with my love comes disappointment... disappointment from the darker side of gaming, where expectations are shat upon, dreams are sodomized, and hope for gaming is punched in the face. It's a part of all of us, and these are the most disappointing truths about my video gaming. Grab a box of tissues, turn off the lights, and cry with me as I share with you: The Darker Side of Gaming.

1) Video Game Movies (or lack, thereof)

Nothing more needs to be said...

I wonder if national theatres knew that on one fateful Friday, on May 28th, an abortion of a movie would be pooped out of Hollywood to horrify all video game fanatics, solidifying our skepticism towards movies from then until eternity. This movie is to a video game homage as your bowel movements are to the food that produced it. It was Dennis Hopper's lowest point in his career, and the furthest thing from an actual Bowser as is humanly possible.

But my Lord, could he please the ladies!

Can you see the semblance between the two? No? That's because there is none. When is the last time you saw Bowser flick his 9 inch toungue out like Gene Simmons watching a Miss USA pageant? Umm, what's happening in that picture of Mr. Hopper, anyway? Can you imagine any scenario where that would be socially acceptable... even for Bowser? The point is that movie sucked. I never heard any video game fan give it their seal of approval when I mention it, and if they did it was because they felt like being a dick to me because I brought up the Super Mario Brothers movie. I deserve the lies....

Yes, friends, Guile DID have a Belgian accent.

Yeah, remember this shit storm? Well, I don't. My brain would systematically shut itself down everytime I try to draw memories of this pathetic attempt at cinema. It would be like if the Street Fighter game commited incest with his little brother, and he pooped out this as a result of the sodomy. It's absolutely terrible, and I needed a Youtube clip to prove it.


I watched about 45 seconds of this clip before my eyes hemorrhaged, and my ears started bleeding out. I took that as a sign to rest my head for a bit. Needless to say, the movie is garbage, and the laughing stock of the video game world.

There are lots of crappy video game-movies out there, most directed by Ewe Boll. Don't think I'm ignorant, because there are lots of great video game movies out there, too. But that belongs in another post. This whole movie thing isn't limited to video game movies that were made; it also branches out to movies that never were. We know about the IGN April Fool's joke about The Legend of Zelda movie that never was. But there's another great movie trailer floating around that may never get picked up. I'm talking about the infamous Mortal Kombat trailer. Wow, that shit looks amazing, and it may never get picked up. You can view that here:

Wow, talk about mind numbing. And also, will probably never come into fruition. At least, not the way my beautiful mind envisions....


2) The downfall of SEGA (as anything but a third party publisher)

My generation was nursed on the tit of the regular NES. It was everything to us; all we knew. Well, that all changed when SEGA came out with its own console. Then us video game nerds were all left with a vital decision: stay loyal to Nintendo, or jump ship with SEGA. I chose the latter, and I never looked back. I got the version of Mortal Kombat with blood. I ripped through levels with Sonic. In retrospect, the SEGA consoles were no different than the SNES, but I made my choice nonetheless. Therefore, the whole SEGA franchise is nostalgic to me. But mistakes in marketing and timing drove SEGA to its downfall, and led to one of the biggest disappointments in my gaming career. SEGA going under is like Sony going under today, and remembering the Sega CD, 32X, and Saturn still bring cold chills down my spine.

Not pictured: any entertainment

So now they are reduced to a third party publisher, as they were quietly put down like a gimp dog. I loved my Genesis, and still get a hard on when I think of it. Then I think of the Saturn I bought, and any erection I may have had goes limp like I saw my grandmother naked. Yes, it's that serious.


3) Peripherals

We all have bought into it at one point or another, but the truth is peripherals are a detriment to video gaming. Let me vomit some terrible accessories put forth by video game companies:

Power Pad, Power Glove, Super Scope 6, R.O.B., Virtual Boy, Sega CD, Atari Mindlink (never hit shelves), Wii Fit Board... seriously, the list goes on and on and on. I've got no time to show all the absolutely horrible ideas that these companies conjured, but most of you have bought at least one of these travesties...

When I masturbated as a child, I felt his icy, cold stare upon my naked, vulnerable body...

And it's not limited to previous generations. Maybe the Playstation Move or the Mictosoft Kinect will get laughed at in a decade. I own a Kinect, but still have yet to find a game that I can appreciate like a GTA or an Infamous. That day may yet come (or not), but the possibility of a gimmick that can put money in the big wigs' pockets should never be overlooked by the hardcore gamer. Sure, it may be fun to give your friend a half a country away the middle finger over the internet, but if that's all the Kinect has to offer then it will collect dust on my mantle in perpetuity.

4) Where the fuck are my favorite games on the Wii Console!!!!? Wait, that's more of a question.

Here's where the bureaucracy of video games shines like a herpie bump on the lip of a dime piece. Did you like Goldeneye for the N64, and want the original on your Wii? Tough tittie, cuz the powers that be refuse to allow it. Too many licensed names, intellectual properties, blah blah blah to actually get that piece of gaming history on your hard drive. Same goes with one of my favorite NES games: Tecmo Super Bowl. Can't expect that shit to ever happen. All those licensed NFL teams, players, logos, and other obstacles keep me from experiencing that great piece of happiness from ever gracing my Wii.

Is he getting ready to pee on him?!

It goes with the territory, I guess. But no one will ever get all the games that they grew up with on the Wii. There are too many fences to hop. Defunct publishers, licenses to pay out moolah to leech, or just plain ignorance on the part of Nintendo will prevent things from ever happening. I guess it's sort of like splitting hairs since the Virtual Console has such a great selection, but I'm ranting, damnit! This is my time to complain, and complain I shall!

There's more to bitch about here, but the night will slowly become morning, and the beer is wearing off. I need some much needed sleep. Am I wrong? Right? Stupid? Throw me a line, and tell me what pisses you off! I love feedback!

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