Funny money

As we all know, it is the place of generations older than one's own to remark with a kind of smug ruefulness that things have lost their value.

"When I was young," they begin, with scant regard for the avoidance of cliché, "you could spend the afternoon in the pub, go to the pictures and still have change from two bob for a bag of chips on the way home."

You can draw two conclusions from this: Firstly, it's comforting to know that whatever the prevailing economics of the time, they were still frittering away their money on the same nonsense as you. Secondly, like Oscar Wilde's cynic, they have understood the price, but not the value of the thing.

I have the same problem. Take the stock market, for example. For reasons best known to the boiled minds of TV news editors, most bulletins now include a summary of how they're faring in the Square Mile. Quite why defeats me.

If you're waiting for the six o'clock news to get your update on the FTSE, you're probably better off not playing the markets at all and just nipping down the newsagent for a scratchcard every now and then. Still, they persist. And so flustered-looking chaps, armed with decimal points and colourful arrows, are constantly popping up on screen, gesturing at numbers and gravely heralding ups and downs.

And none of it means anything to me. Not a thing. I mean, I understand in pounds and pence how much more or less a share is worth today - I have seen Sesame Street, you know - but as to what that means in a wider context, I am entirely at a loss. Is a few pence down a disaster or a ripple?

What they might do to help me along is to couch it in different terms. Instead of naming share prices, simply tell me how many compact discs' worth of money the company gained or lost today. This, you see, is my own internal fiscal measure.

Since I was about 16, every sum that has passed through my hands has been converted into the currency of albums. It helps me grasp that elusive concept - value.

For example, I've just had the hall plastered. That cost approximately 23 and one-third CDs. Now, that's a lot. The hat made of banana leaves that I once bought on holiday in Cuba, on the other hand, set me back a mere fifteenth of an album, and that represents a bargain in anyone's double-entry ledger. Try it for yourself. It's an excellent method.

You can replace CDs in the equation with whatever makes most sense to you and your life - felt hats, perhaps, or model dirigibles. It's entirely up to you.

It would at least make those previously fruitless market updates worth watching: "And in the City today, the FTSE 100 fell 4,028 ornamental floral arrangements, although it was a good day for BA, whose shares rose more than 20 million quarters of sugared almonds..."

· Chris Addison's next appearance will be on Friday July 18 at Stamford Arts Centre, Lincolnshire. For bookings or information, tel: 01780-763-203

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