That papal Thought for the Day pitch

Pope Benedict may fill BBC Radio 4's religion slot when he visits this year. What will he be able to get past the producers?
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A BBC studio, some time in September 2010

Pope: "Good Morning. When my predecessor arrived in Britain he famously kissed the ground and later declared: 'This fair land, once a distant outpost of the pagan world, has become, through the preaching of the Gospel, a beloved and gifted portion of Christ's vineyard.' Now it seems it is turning back to pagan ways … "

Producer: Hold on. Could we think of an alternative to "pagan"?

Pope: But that's what JP said …

Producer: It's just that we don't want to run the risk of opening up the whole thing about whether religious minorities should be allowed to do Thought for the Day.

Pope: What if I say the word in Latin?

Producer: Great. Most of the Radio 4 audience did classics, and it'll sound more pious. It's a religious slot, after all. OK, do continue your holiness.

Pope: "The forces of secularism … "

Producer: Ah, we can't be seen to be bashing secularists.

Pope: "Dark forces"?

Producer: Could be misconstrued.

Pope: "The enemies of Christianity"?

Producer: Fine.

Pope: " … are demonstrating even now, with an agenda to change the laws of the land, and take away the rights of the one true church."

Producer: Yes, now the "one true" claim could cause problems for a couple of reasons. The overwhelming majority of contributors to this slot are Anglicans, and we don't want to undermine what they are saying. There's also the slightly touchy subject of Anglicanorum Coetibus.

Pope: Yes, I was just coming to that.

Producer: Think we'll have to drop that bit too. Want to skip to the next part?

Pope: "The church will always be welcoming of all."

Producer: Now that's OK, but it can't be left unqualified.

Pope: Why not?

Producer: Well, Thought for the Day is a slot with no right of reply, so you have to put the other side of the argument.

Pope: Sorry, I'm not really used to that ...

Producer: It's OK. There's a skill to this which only comes with practice. There are ways of being able to say what you want to say, whilst appearing balanced. Just add a few references about the odd person who some might suggest would not be welcome, say, all the time.

Pope: Like women priests?

Producer: Yes, and people in gay relationships. And perhaps a reference to contraception? And we should also mention the recent, er scandals. "Welcome to all" could be misconstrued. Now we need some theology in there too, otherwise we get accused of not being distinctive.

Pope: I used a great line for one of my encyclicals. "God is love". It fits in with the welcoming theme don't you think?

Producer: Perfect. Much better than the tenuous "Jesus welcomed people once" approach which we always fall back on. Now we just need what we call in the trade "the pay off".

Pope: I thought the British taxpayer was covering my visit? It's a state visit you know – although you appreciate that I am doing this in a religious capacity?

Producer: No the "pay off" is the line at the end which draws it all together. How about a blessing?

Pope: OK, but usually papal blessings are reserved for special occasions.

Producer: We really appreciate it. It's a big thing for us. Quite a coup in fact. Right, at two and half minutes that's your lot. Last thing. I know you don't normally do this, but shall we run it past Lambeth Palace as well?

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