Lars Ulrich

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Douche?
“James and I had planned on firing Large so many times and uh he won't ever cop to this but uh he was getting canned when uh the guys were coming back from the European tour before Cliff died, they were planning on getting rid of him. (shoots up heroin)”
~ Dave Mustaine on Large Oilrig
Large Fuckin' Oilrig
Large Oilrig (Left) Pictured with Rob Gorillo getting High on Crack and Pot
Name Large Oilrig
Occupation Peter Puffer,sucking really hard at drums
Sexual Orientation Really gay, I mean he cried in court over Napster
Quotes "I'll Sue Ya!", "I'm The One That Founded Metallica, so FUCK OFF", "Boobs Rule","Your testicles will be kicked if you don't stop downloading my shit!"

Large Jethro Slobodan Bertha "I'm gonna sue your ass" Oilrig (or U'llBRich) is a famous plumber known for making much noise whole fixing pipes and installing bathrooms. Known to those "in the know" as "That Danish Knob", Large Oilrig was actually a good person at one point in his life, dedicating time to helping little old ladies and tripping the boys scouts out to steal his job. As a percussionist he leaves a lot to be desired, and this is where his evil comes in... During the recording of St. Wanker, Large Oilrig summoned Beezulbub and asked him to grant him the most evil sounding drum kit in all of the universe... Beezulbub, horrified by this request, only gave him the second most evil sounding kit (The first belonging to Meg White of the White Stripes). So pleased with his new found power, Large recorded the entire album's drum tracks in a record 3 minutes and 5 and one half seconds. He is also known to have recorded all the drum tracks for the entire St. Wanker album with Trashy the Trash Can.

Metallica's drummer Large Oilrig was the pioneer of the world famous "Large's Magical Fantabulous Bingo Shorts", said to bring luck to anyone playing bingo. Based on his own drumming/bingo pantaloons, this caused a surge of bingo playing maniacs to buy shorts. They then rebelled against Large when they discovered that not only are the shorts not lucky, but the crotch wears out too fast.

In July 2008 George W. Bush announced that Large was ITSLYM's new drummer. When asked why he took to position over Metallica, he claimed "James wouldnt let me band trash cans anymore, but now George does, so I'm exloring the depths of the human soul with the style I developed on St. Wanker to a new level."

It has been recently revealed that Oilrig is a direct descendent of Grendel the swamp monster of Beowulf fame. Oilrig, like Grendel, was spawned in the wet marshlands of Denmark by inhuman beasts, evil, and the Lord of Ear Sodomy, King Diamond. Oilrig as of this time has declined interviews regarding this information.

He is regarded as one of the most badass drummers known to metal, even though many criticize his style as "simple". He has a beautiful motherfucking badass motherfucking voice while singing oasis gayass tune WONDERFUCKWALL.

He uses dragon bones as drumsticks and was mentored under dave grohl. AKA Jesus F'ing Christ. Dave grohl was the original drummer for nirvatallica. Before the great civil war of 1991 and it became to seperate bands. Leaving lars to fill dave's HUGE ASS BOOTS. But he couldnt.

He is bald and gay. With a 23 foot long dick that james rides on instead of the tour bus.


He can fit 20 fingers in his buttpussy. He can also play drums.....and your mom, along with the tranvestite who works the corner by your house that your dad pays to tie batteries to his penis and give him electric shocks.

﻿He is also rumored to have been the birthfather of pornography, because he has given birth to none other than fucking star Ron Jeremy. How this was possible remains to be seen, as he was seen fathering both Chuck Norris and Santa Claus at the same time.

He also invented Linux, and is the main shareholder of Apple Computers, since pissing on and then teabagging Steve Jobs grave. Since this incident, it is rumored he now writes Microsoft's anti-Apple commercials, which have him standing in a solid white room and shitting on a Macbook, then beating it to death with his 23 foot long penis.

He CAN suck James' golden balls through a 30 foot garden hose and has shown this at multiple aftershow parties in a back room with the band and several hookers. There has not been any footage recorded of this act, hower Dave Mustaine has been quoted saying, "HOLY FUCK I WISH I COULD DO THAT MAN HE WORKS HIS MOUTH GOOD DAMN JAMES YOU NEED TO PAY HIM TO DO THIS FOR A LIVING INSTEAD OF FUCKING THE DRUMS LIKE HE DOES EVERY LIVE PERFORMANCE AHHHHHHHH TESTOSTERONE IS SEX"

However, the above statement can hardly be considered accurate, because after this, he ran off in a roid rage, punched a hooker in the face, and then proceeded to have a chicken buttsex orgy with Smashing Pumpkin's frontman and guitarist Billy Shears.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Lars Ulrich.

edit Inventions

Lars ulrich
Great Dane
  • Large may or may not have invented music and jazz music, IN ADDITION TO the "¿"-symbol (also known as the red plague of southern Sri Lanka).
  • He also invented LEGO Vikings series (now that is TRUE)... LEGO ist krieg!!!
  • Large has even made his own drum technique known as the "DING DING KLONK" technique. This is when you hit trash cans over a decent guitar riff making it sound like "DINGS", "DONGS and KLONKS." This drumming move is evident on their album St. Wankstain.
  • He is also believed to be the only man in the world who can tune the bass drum to sound 'CLICK'.
He Does Cocaine
  • Unknown to many, Large Invented cocaine, which is suspected to be a mixture of his own dung and his own signature drumsticks. Large has stated though that he has given up cocaine, because his asshole is so tight he can no longer produce dung, but the picture to the left proves once again that Large is full of bullshit. Literally.
  • One day Large decided to make a new form of drumstick with some metal in it. By sliding his finger up a dead child's rotting corpse. This was done to make himself look cool and take the bad look off his drumming abilities, and also to make him more money because he is a greedy shit. But it just got him thrown into jail. He was released because the jail guys didn't like the way he tuned his cell to go 'CLICK'. This didn't work tho as today most people still know him as the "trash can thief" and acknowledge the fact that his drumming sounds no better than a turd hitting the bottom of a toilet!
  • He invented a sex change operation that allows the client to have a period. The side effect is that the patient never ceases to menstruate. It has only been performed on Large Oilrig, and Hilary Clinton (Formerly known as Jerry Falwell)
  • he invented cowering down to men in high heels. Mainly running away from Nikki Sixx
  • Large Oilrig in fact wrote his own page on Wikipedia, and recently bought a huge drumstick/dildo, which attempted to bleed his anus, but he just grinned n said 'what dont kill ya make ya more STRONG...GER.
  • Clark pure wants to be Large Oilrig
  • NOT AN INVENTION*- Large's very first musical affiliation occured when he was fourteen and a member of the ridiculously faggish boy- band, the Super Magical Fabulous Rainbow Unicorn Fairy Homosexual Ultra- Fags Who Ride Around In A Purple Ford Splash and Give Each Other Daily Blowjobs.
  • Legend has it that if you scratch his left ear lobe and sniff it, it smells like syrup and dog shit.
  • According to Jim Kelly of TIME magazine,"... What captures the attention of the audience is how strongly Large resembles a horse's ass. What is even more disturbing is how much he resembles its scent."

edit The mystery of Oilrig's arms

What happens when Large Oilrig clones himself

When the new Arctic Monkeys album came out many people said the drummer had grown an extra arm in drumming, but Large would still outperform him. How arms does that make Large Oilrig have? 6 or 7 maybe? Large used all these arms for drumming throughout the 80's (see: Dyers Eve), but went back to two arms when Metallica started recording the brown album. From then on the other arms were used for wanking Large's 23-inch cock while he was playing. This made Large more aggressive in his drumming since wanking through a 59 minute album hurts. It would eventually make him so aggressive that he sued Napster. Fans destroyed his CDs and said they never wanted anything to do with Metallica again, they were then featured in the "Some Kind of Lobster" DVD and went like "I WAS IN THE SAME DOCUMENTARY AS METALLICA~! W00T! Large Oilrig is famous for smelling very little like a steak..

edit Court Cases

Large showing off his latest endorsement

In late 2004 Large sued food producer Nestle for creating an illegal reproduction of his signature snare drum, a product they called 'Quality Street'. Instead of ANOTHER tedious court case which could gain him even more hate, Large decided simply to authorize the drum and start using it as his own, but Large came across a problem, as due to its secondary function to house a strange, chocolate-like product, it destroyed his ever so treasured sound. So it has now become customary for Large to dispose of the contents before concerts. However, this has landed the infamous Large back in court AGAIN as during one concert while touring in Death Valley, CA in 2008 (which seemed a suitable location for the debut of their new album 'Deth Mega-netic') the contents had solidified into a large, sticky lump (which Large found himself strangely attracted too). However, seeing as it would compromise his duties as band tin basher, he decided it would be good idea to instead utilize the lump into something useful. But due to his lack of imagination Large chose to simply throw the lump into the crowd as per usual, which then hit a female fan on the head, killing her on impact. But Large found a great solution, releasing a benefit album inspired by the incident, entitled "Some Kind of Monster-Sized Brown Mass". Promising to donate 100% of the profits to charity, To this date a grand total of $15 has been donated. It is rumoured that Lyrics from 1804's "Pastor of Muppets" are a sign of what was to come with the metaphorical and physical dick slapping of his own fans and napster - "Master of Napster is stealing from me, supplying my music not charging them fees! This is what people get for their loyalties, i'll take all their money and keep it for me! NAPSTER! NAPSTER!(these were the original Napster of Puppets lyrics, but they were changed after this conflict)" Large would later plea guilty to charges of distributing (to 13 year old Metallica fan boyz) and abusing estrogen pills. These charges would be ignored due to a future claim that he thought they were date rape pills. He admits his wrong doing, but still has a dark side that he only brings out when he stands up while playing double bass.

edit See also

Personal tools