Do You Know the Muffin Man, Joe Biden?

By Jacquelyn Martin/AP Photo.

Earlier this morning, Vice President Joe Biden passed out mini-muffins to newly un-furloughed Environmental Protection Agency employees as they returned to work. All unfolded as expected, all unfolded as it should: “‘Welcome back everybody,’ he said, as he stretched out his arms to hug a returning employee. ‘It’s kind of like the first day of school,’” ABC News reports.

Did you know that Joe Biden named every individual mini-muffin and assigned each one a little personality? From top left: Flash (he’s curious); Joe, Jr. (cool guy with a heart of gold); T-Bone (combative); Ace (inquisitive); Bones (rowdy); Slayer (a good secret-keeper); Ricky (shy); Billy Zane (the thespian); Barack (fun-hating nerd who thinks having a birthday party at a water-park would be “inappropriate for so many reasons”); Bud (exonerated identity-thief); Cakeface (cloyingly insecure); Jimbo (the kind of guy you could borrow money from and he wouldn’t make a big thing of it); Russ (loves Tom Petty); the Jakester (devout Mormon); Frankie (intolerant of the Jakester’s Mormonism); Big Ray (peace-keeper between the Jakester and Frankie); Little Man (that’s a joke because Little Man is actually the biggest mini-muffin in the whole box!); Minxy (the girl muffin); Boz (Minxy’s jealous boyfriend); the Germ (good at math); Biscuit (sort of keeps the whole group together); Meepers (the lookout); Trevor (owns a boat); J Train (allergic to negative attitudes); Sam I Am (allergic to gluten); Merg (no one knows what’s up with Merg); G. G. (has like one beer and starts acting wasted); El Capitan (untrustworthy gossipmonger); Kevin (Vito’s step-father); Vito (Kevin’s step-son); Vick (has been all over the map emotionally since the Cory Monteith Glee episode); and Harold (let’s just say Joe Biden won’t be sad to say goodbye to Harold).

That’s 32 mini-muffins, each with names and personalities. There are other muffins in the boxes, but we cannot see them due to the angle of this photo, so it is impossible to know which muffins they are. There are limitations to science.