

Matulevicz Soccers It To 'Em

Uproar in the world of football this morning, as clod-jumping sheep-wrestler and one-time Glengormley Rovers stalwart stíobhart matulevicz controversially claimed that he would have captained the Irish national team for at least a decade —but for the colour of his underpants. Matulevicz, no stranger to controversy, made the allegations in an interview for the BBCs forthcoming ‘Has-Beens and Never-Weres’ series. “It was clear to me from the outset that there was institutional underpantism at play in the higher echelons of the Football Association of Ireland” he said.... [Read More]

Baroness Matulevicz Dies


Pissed, Notorious


Matulevicz Trousered at Tournament


Matulevicz ████ and ██████


Matulevicz vs. Apple: Verdict!

Octogenarian pavement-pounding puritan, stíobhart matulevicz has had his latest legal action against Apple Inc. thrown out of court. Matulevicz had sought an injunction, preventing the Cupertino, California based company from selling its newly launched iPhone 4S within the European Union, claiming that Apple had infringed several of his ‘patented technologies’. However a panel of senior Judges, sitting at the European Court of Human Rights in Strasbourg took less than fifteen seconds to dismiss the case and find for the defendants.... [Read More]

Matulevicz in Particle-Popping Pandemonium


Matulevicz Corbett KO Chaos!


Matulevicz –NATO Bombing Begins

A NATO spokesman confirmed this morning that air-strikes were carried out on stíobhart matulevicz, overnight. Matulevicz, 87 declared himself an independent planet in May of 2010 and was initially feted by world leaders; being allowed to clean the toilets at Buckingham Palace and given a biscuit by President Obama. However, relations with the west soured when US Secretary of State Hilary Clinton stated in March of this year that the US believed matulevicz was stockpiling weapons of mass destruction, including a pen-knife, a catapult and a pea-shooter made from a Bic pen with the refill removed.... [Read More]

Matulevicz Bankrupt

Balding lothario, stíobhart matulevicz was declared bankrupt earlier today, after it was revealed that he had run up an unauthorised overdraft on his current account, which exceeded the GDP of the entire planet. Fraud Squad detectives, who have been investigating matulevicz’s finances are believed to be working on the theory that matulevicz ran up the colossal debt via an internet scam which went badly wrong. One officer, who wished to remain anonymous, told our reporter that he believed matulevicz had attempted to create a computer virus which would transfer insignificant amounts of money [which would hopefully not be noticed] from a large number of other peoples’ bank accounts into his own.... [Read More]

Matulevicz Convicted

Troubled wheelbarrow technician and former ‘Miss Glengormley 1925’, stíobhart matulevicz appeared in court this morning, charged with affray, following his arrest last weekend. In the early hours of Saturday morning, police were called to a gutter in central Manchester, where according to a spokesman they found ‘a white caucasian male, in his late seventies, apparently under the influence of alcohol, carrying out a sustained and vicious assault on himself’. One eye-witness, who wished to remain anonymous, told our reporter that matulevicz had himself in a headlock and was punching himself repeatedly in the face, before police arrived and managed to separate him from himself.... [Read More]

Matulevicz Drowning Shame

The world of deep-sea diving was rocked to its foundations this week, as news broke of the death of stíobhart matulevicz, pioneering inventor of the ‘tankless SCUBA’ technique. As the name suggests, tankless SCUBA eschews the traditional air cylinder, replacing this with a simplified ‘Internal Recirculation System’ whereby the diver’s breathing mask is attached to a length of tube, inserted into the rectum which, according to matulevicz, “provides all the air needed for an unlimited dive… although it disnae taste that great and tends to fill yer visor with green smoke”.... [Read More]

Matulevicz Plunges to Death


Matulevicz Dishonoured

The US town of Moosejaw Creek, Arkansas has unveiled a life-sized sculpture of the town’s most famous son; renowned walrus juggler, stíobhart matulevicz. At a glitzy ceremony in Moosejaw Creek’s Main Street, Mayor Shukster Q Huckenburger unveiled the statue, whilst a band of teenagers, dressed in garish pseudo-Napoleonic uniforms [the girls waving tinsel pom-poms] marched past playing an irritatingly up-tempo funeral march. The statue, carved from a 6 tonne block of compressed effluent from the town’s sewage works, stands over 8 feet tall and depicts matulevicz in customary pose; scratching his arse, whilst looking around gormlessly, with his mouth hanging open.... [Read More]

Matulevicz Risen

Consternation in the world of theology this morning as sightings were reported of recently deceased stíobhart matulevicz, apparently risen from the dead and dispensing justice with a fist like a steam-hammer. Readers will recall that matulevicz was recently pronounced ‘seriously dead’ at the scene of an accident involving an industrial mangle —an incident referred to in certain sections of the press as ‘Knackers-Gate’. So his unexpected reappearance has led to heated debate in ecclesiastical circles.... [Read More]

Matulevicz in Knacker-Mangle Horror
