I Feel Shitty


I'm just going to do a brain dump today and I'm not going to worry that my sentences or paragraphs are structured properly.

Sweety is all freaked out because I'm not happy with my life. I can't help it. But now I have the added stress of trying to be chipper for him when I really want to take chainsaws to people and then jump off of a bridge. It bothers him that he can't fix why I'm unhappy. It's not his thing to fix. It is mine. I literally walk around thinking, "I hate my life." And I know I have a nice life. Food to eat and a nice place to live. But I really hate my job. I know it's just a job and I should leave it at work but I can't. Especially now that The Wicked Witch of the East is my new supervisor. I spend my days off dreading having to go back to work.

And it's not just work. I'm suffering from a big dose of parenting burnout. If I'm not at work, then I am at home with the boys on my Tuesday & Wednesday off. I'm tired of haranguing kids BigBrother(13) to make his bed or do his chores or do his homework or stop picking on his brother. I'm tired of hearing LittleBrother(11)'s unholy fucking shriek when BB is pestering him. I'd be perfectly okay with it if LB took a baseball bat to BB's legs. I think that would help balance the power struggle that is going on. I.Am.Not.Kidding. I'm tired of backtalk. When I tell you do do something - just fucking do it. Or if I'm telling to not do something - then knock it off. I don't want to hear your justification as to why you are doing what you are doing.

When I'm not at work or doing something pertaining to the boys (this would be from the hours of 8 a.m. to 1 p.m. on Tuesday and Wednesday), then I am at home doing nothing. Absofuckinglutely, nothing. Yes, Sweety, I know the house is cluttered. But I want to take these few hours when I am alone to just be the fuck alone and not deal with anything. I'll tidy the house when the boys get home because I use housecleaning as an excuse to not come running every time LB yells my name because his brother is bugging him. I am horrible and I don't care.

My weight is a sticky issue on the home front too. And sex. And intimacy. I look like a fucking sweet potato so I don't want to be touched. And I don't want to touch Sweety because you can't touch him without his weenie getting hard and I don't want to fuss with that. Tomorrow, I hop back on the NutriSystem diet. I did really good when I was on it but have been so lazy that I don't want to bother with packing my lunches. And now I have gained back almost all of the weight that I lost last summer. Woot...Go me.

Financial infidelity. That's one I'm working on too. I have managed to amass (again) a huge credit card debt because I am a fucking idiot. I actually added it all up this morning and still feel queasy. I am done using my cards but I have a deep hole to dig myself out of. And the funny thing is that I have next to nothing to show for it. I didn't buy a lot of stuff to keep. Sweety said I'm the only person he knows who is paying off a cheeseburger that they bought 3 years ago on a credit card.

Heh, I just passed on a piece of wisdom. LB comes up to me with this Christmas tree shaped figurine and asks which end would hurt the most.

For hitting or stabbing?


Turn it around and hit with the base of the tree. If you want to stab someone, use the end with the star. You've gotta know how to use your weapon.

Yeah! *nodding head up-and-down*

Like, if you have a gun with bullets - then shoot the enemy. If you're out of ammo then use the gun as a club.

I'm going to pack up our Christmas decorations now before they are used in some violent domestic dispute.


bekah said...

I feel your pain. Call me sometime so we can bitch together.

Mike said...

The awful thing about parenting is that it is not an immediate payoff. If you are looking for instant gratification, when it comes to parenting you are pretty much fucked.

Credit card debt is the suckiest thing in the world. My wife and I would be retired and living in the Caribbean somewhere now if it weren't for credit cards. They are the spawn of Satan.

My advice is to grab a Chihuahua or two and go out and roll around in the backyard for a while. It always makes me feel better.

Anonymous said...

Better a husband that tries to make you happy than one who doesn't care. You need a vacation with just Sweety far from work and kids.

SCANjolina said...


HOLY SHIT. Have you been reading my mind again? This is why when we spoon, I take the BACK! If he cuddles to me, he gets hard. Now granted, sometimes I don't care, but all in all, eh. I just don't want to. It's too much trouble. And seriously, how attracted to me can he be? I look like a potato with arms and lets. Ms. Potato Head, I guess.

Are you on meds? If so, are you on a correct dosage? I was on Effexor for 7 years. I just changed to Celexa, and all of sudden, I've noticed a change. Very subtle, but I noticed it. Just a thought.

I care lots. Feel free to email me and/or text me or whatever. I TOTALLY understand EVERYTHING you said. REALLY.

heather said...

bitch moan bitch moan bitch moan. lol

at least you can say you learned your lesson about eating badly and spendly poorly...

good thing you won't be doing THAT shit again hu? ; }

Chickie said...

Bekah - I shall. Expect a call tomorrow evening. I'll probably be ready to explode after another day at work.

Mike - I know it's not immediate gratification and it does comfort me to know that the boys are over halfway to adulthood.

I can't believe that even though I work for a credit card company that I managed to get in this mess. Agh.

The rolling with Chihuahuas helped. I took all the canines to the Paw Park and unwound.

Midwestern City Boy - So true on both counts!

Scanjolina - I'm pretty sure that we may have been separated at birth!

I need to get in to my doc's and have things tweaked, I think.

Heather - I can only hope to learn from my mistakes...yet again.

here today, gone tomorrow said...

Oh Chickie...You sound overwhelmed on so many fronts. Thank you for sharing with us. Seriously.

Patti said...

Aw honey I can so relate to you on some of these fronts. I think it's just end-of-holiday-new-year stress. I hope you get to feeling better soon! HUGS

SagaciousHillbilly said...

This all sounds corny, but it works.

Make a list of all the things you have to be grateful for. Don't leave anything out. The things that are fucked up will be hugely overshadowed by the things that aren't.

Remeber, there are billions of people who would love to walk iin your shoes. . . I'm thinking something else in your something else, but that's a different post.

I have a friend who I am helping right now in my life.
He was standing on the edge of greatness. . . an awesome job, getting back together with his family, a new place. . . two days before Christmas he was diagnosed with 3rd stage liver cancer. He will be gone soon.
I am grateful today for everything I have, all the great people in my life and this day.

Maybe you need some professional help. If everything is good but you still feel like shit, maybe you've got mental issues or it's organic.


Mybrid said...

Just sending a cyber hug, 'cause you need one.

Hang in there.

Chickie said...

Here Today, Gone Tomorrow - Thanks for listening. :)

Patti - I think maybe it is something to do with the end of the year. It seems this is the time of year when I get really down in the dumps.

SagaciousHillbilly - I'm going to do the grateful things list. I started one in my head a few days ago and need to finish it. It does help.

Yeah, knowing the situations that others are in does drive home that I don't have anything to grouch about.

Mybrid - Thank you!

Amy said...

Awww, Chickie, for a brain dump this was a pretty cool post. I'm sorry you feel so out of sorts, this depression thing seems to be going around. Supposedly it's common in the winter months... but whatever.

I hope you feel better soon. And, I'm sorry about the weight gain too... that stinks.

Chickie said...

Amy - I think the fact we haven't had any good sun for a few days got me down. The weather is still crummy, but at least I didn't have to go to work the last couple of days.

Agh, I'm just gonna have to get on the diet thing and mean it. Why does food have to be so tasty? :(

Ginamonster said...

I'm with you on the work thing.

Chickie said...

Ginamonster - Those stinking jobs just suck the life right out of us, huh?

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

Chickie dear----
So sorry you are going through all this, but it is understandable....I don't know how you do it all, my dear...Can you take a break for a day or two and get away fro it all? Hug those pups a lot and take a long long drive when you have those hours to yourself. Go somewhere that inspires you and gets you complrtely away from all the responsability. I think you are amazing in your role of "step" mom, or whatever you want to call it...but everyone needs a breather!

Chickie said...

Lady of the Hills - I stepped back and took my own breather and it has helped. Sweety and I have a trip somewhere (we don't know where yet!) planned for the end of April and I'm really looking forward to it!