5 Common Parenting Mistakes (& Fixes)

Find ways to smooth over parental blunders

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A few years ago, I found a huge scratch on an expensive piece of furniture. My stepson had been horsing around in the living room the day before, so I was sure he had put it there. Although he denied doing it, I told him that I was disappointed in him. A few days later, I discovered the real culprit in the act: It was our dog using my cabinet as his personal scratching post. Boy, was I embarrassed. Even the most well-meaning moms (like me) make missteps. But that doesn't mean we can't get back on track.

Slip-Up #1: Saying One Thing, Doing Another

You yell at your teenage son to stop yelling at his younger sister, or lecture your daughter about honesty, then fib to a neighbor in front of her to get out of a commitment.

What's the Big Deal?

"Learning is caught, not taught," says Suzy Martyn, author of Enjoying the Ride: Tools, Tips, and Inspiration for the Most Common Parenting Challenges. "If you tell your children one thing, then do the opposite, they'll start taking everything you say less seriously."

The Save

Don't just tell your children what not to do; show them by your actions what they should do. For example, if you catch yourself yelling at your son to stop yelling, immediately change course. "First, take a deep breath," says Martyn. "Then, in a quiet tone, say, 'I'm sorry for raising my voice. That was wrong.'" Next, tell him, "I'd like you to say that to your sister again, but this time more calmly." Finally, praise him for correcting his behavior. "This technique teaches your kids to accept mistakes, ask for forgiveness and change their behavior—all rolled into one," says Martyn.

Slip-Up #2: Not Saying No

You ask your 10-year-old to give up palling around with his friends one Saturday afternoon to visit Aunt Susie with you. Instead of a sunny, "Sure, Mom," you get a tantrum. Just the thought of two more hours of his grumbling and groaning is enough to make you cave.

What's the Big Deal?

"Giving kids everything they ask for, because it's easier or because you don't want to face a conflict, leads to spoiled brats and selfish teenagers," says Ben Leichtling, PhD, author of Parenting Bully-Proof Kids: Stop School Bullies in Their Tracks.

Never saying no creates a sense of entitlement in your kids and teaches them to always expect instant gratification. Just think of big, bad Lucius Malfoy, from the Harry Potter series, protecting his darling son Draco as he wreaks havoc through Hogwarts.

The Save

Knowing when to say yay or nay comes down to the situation. You have to weigh each one based on its own merits, balancing your kids' wants with your (or the family's) needs. Should your child get a vote? It depends. Ask yourself:

Is this just a case of my kid doing whatever it takes to get his way? If the answer is yes, then your job is pretty clear-cut—no input from him required. Simply tell him no, but make sure he understands that even when he doesn't get what he wants, he'll survive.

Is this a situation where my child can actually benefit from having a say? If your child has a hard time speaking up for himself and telling others what he wants, it's good to let him make his own decisions sometimes, says Dr. Leichtling. If going along to Aunt Susie's really isn't a big deal, give him the option to turn you down. It will boost his confidence and encourage him to start voicing his opinion more often.

Slip-Up #3: Fighting Over Food

It's the bribe heard at countless dinner tables every night: "If you finish your broccoli, you can have ice cream for dessert." One of the biggest mistakes moms make is trying to control what their kids eat by using food—especially sweets— as a bargaining chip.

What's the Big Deal?

"Kids need to learn early on that eating is for nutrition and energy," says Karen Romine, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Seattle. "Bribing them with sweets teaches them to crave empty-calorie foods and to eat when they're not hungry." Plus, kids can be stubborn. So they may give you a battle no matter how many candy-coated carrots you dangle in front of them.

The Save

Don't get caught up in a power struggle. Simply keep the focus on healthy food and don't make too much of a fuss over sugar.

When her children were young, Randy Methven, a mother of two in San Rafael, California, served only nutritious food at mealtimes and stocked the lower shelves of her fridge and pantry with healthy snacks that her kids could eat anytime: carrot sticks, string cheese, mixed nuts, fresh fruit. She also kept a few sweets on hand, but never used them as a reward. As a result, her kids learned to eat well without developing a constant craving for sugar. "They don't abuse sweets," she says.

What if your kids refuse to eat the good stuff you give them? Unless it's a matter of health, hold your ground and wait them out, says Romine. "They may put up a fight at first, but once they get hungry enough, most kids will take their pick from what you provide."

Slip-Up #4: Giving Empty Praise

Your daughter is starting to play the flute and wants to show you what she learned during her lesson this week. She squeaks and screeches her way through the song. What do you say? If it's "That was absolutely wonderful, honey!" you may want to think twice.

What's the Big Deal?

"Many parents try to build up their kids' self-esteem by being cheerleaders, but this type of pointless praise is ultimately bad for kids," says clinical psychologist Jane Delgado, PhD. They get a false sense of their abilities and may not work on improving weak spots. "And constant praise, especially when it's not warranted, comes across as insincere," adds Bette J. Freedson, a clinical social worker practicing in Lynn, Massachusetts, and South Berwick, Maine.

The Save

"What your child really needs is honest feedback delivered in a warm and supportive way," says Dr. Delgado. To practice the art of authentic praise, focus on the effort your child is making, her enthusiasm to try new things, her desire to share what she's doing, and the importance of continuing to practice and work hard.

So even though your flute-playing daughter may be out of tune, you can still give her a genuine pat on the back by saying, "I'm so proud of you for learning an instrument, trying something new and sharing it with me. If you keep practicing, you'll keep getting better." This way, when she truly does excel at something, your compliments will have even more impact, which will give her self-esteem a big boost.

Slip-Up #5: Criticizing Character

You're so messy. Why are you so lazy? Stop being difficult. In the heat of the moment, comments like these often just come tumbling out.

What's the Big Deal?

While your words may appear harmless enough, deep down kids don't see it that way. You've just slapped a negative label on them and attacked their character, says Freedson. "Kids are counting on their moms to take into account the whole picture of who they are—their skills and talents, their strong points and weaknesses," she says. These comments send the message that you only see your kids in one light—and it's not a good one.

Methven admits that she's been guilty of this slip-up, but eventually realized that she couldn't have it both ways. "I'm the authority in the house, and my children will believe what I say about them," she says. "You can't tell your kid that he's a slob 100 times and still expect him to clean his room."

The Save

Put the kibosh on labeling by making every effort to catch yourself when you do it, and apologizing immediately. A simple "I'm sorry, I slipped up and called you a name. That's not a nice thing to do" is all it takes. After that, talk with your child about his specific behavior, which is the real issue. Try saying, "I'm disappointed that you didn't clean your room" (or "left school without permission," "didn't turn in your homework on time," etc.). Finally, help him understand the ramifications of his actions and the consequences he may face as a result of his behavior.

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