Gigaba and his things

Gigaba and his things

THIS column has a PG18 rating this week. Not that there is much our so-called teenagers don’t know about anatomy: they are probably nastier than you think. It’s just that it’s decent to warn readers about potentially offensive content. Now that the warning has been proffered let’s get to the tale of this week.
Forget the clowns and clowning pervading our shallow politics.

The real story this week is Melusi Gigaba, South Africa’s Home Affairs minister who has shoved himself into what should have been a cyber-scandal of monumental proportions.
That’s thanks to a video of him playing with his molamu and asking someone to imagine that it’s in her mouth. It’s a brief video but leaves little to imagination. That is why responsible parents should not expose it to children (It’s however possible that some children have seen it already).
We should however remember that the Gigaba scandal is pregnant with important lessons for everyone.
The lesson is not that adults should be careful of what they post on social media.

We know that already. The biggest lesson is that size matters. Yes, I said it. Size matters in everything and everywhere. Those who say size is inconsequential are just sick with ‘J’ or are not gifted.
You know the kind that is always trying to explain their obvious disadvantage or lack.
They will say it’s not the size but the skill that matters but will never tell you that a combination of skill and size is always better. And they like to speak as if they have the skill in the first place.
What’s the point of being big but clumsy, they ask.

All of which is to avoid the real issue: Big, bigger, biggest and small, smaller, smallest.
E ‘nyane, e nyanenyana, e ntsoipi.

Gigaba has survived the humiliation because of his size. It has not taken days for his size to divert attention from his shenanigans. His transgressions have been forgiven and forgotten sooner than he can say ‘imagine that in your mouth’.
All it took was for someone to say: “Wait a minute. The story is not Gigaba here but his silent ‘colleague’ in the video. That guy is the main actor!”
And soon enough people were saying o ruile. Someone enterprising launched the ‘Gigaba Challenge’ but there were few takers because Gigaba seems to set a lofty standard with his Gigabyte.
No sane man is going to bring his shrunken Megabyte to a Gigabyte.

And so people are ogling at Gigaba’s asset while marveling at both its beauty and stature.
Suddenly Gigaba is no longer the pervert but the gifted minister. He will not be remembered as the minister whose scandalous video went viral.
Rather, he will be recalled as the minister who reminded us why primary teachers taught us about “big, bigger, biggest”.
They knew that there will come a time when we have to make a distinction between big things and biggest things.
The joke is now on those who tried to embarrass him by posting the video.

He might not be squeaky clean but he is not as dirty as his nemesis wanted him to be. The scandal is not the video but showing it to your pastor or in-laws. Watching it with colleagues is fine. Showing it to friends is acceptable. You can show it to your boss to illustrate what kind of a pay increase you want.

All this is because of the size. Gigaba has watched as his size fought his public relations battle. Instead of tears he is probably rolling with laughter as women claim they are hunting for him.
When his wife said he stood by him someone sighed: “It’s obvious. Who wouldn’t stand by such?”
Gigaba has marched his way out of a scandal because of his size.

From this episode we learn that lurid videos are not really harmful, especially for men. It is not about what the man is doing in the video that matters.
The scandal is never really the act being portrayed. Sexual acts don’t become scandalous because they are captured on video. Most of those watching the video have probably done worse things.
They are watching out of curiosity and to measure the drama in the video against their own monkey shines. People want to be reminded that they are not the craziest creatures around them.
They also don’t want to be reminded that they are the least adventurous.

The point here is that sextapes rarely trigger disgust. Which is why even the moral prefects in our midst have been scrambling to lay their hands on Gigaba’s video?
Muckraker’s Pastor was looking for the video too.

“Sister Muck you have to find that video today. I am counting on you as the journalist in the church to deliver the video because I need it for my sermon on Sunday,” he said with a straight face.
Muckraker tried to explain that she is too innocent to even think of seeking such sinful pictures but the pastor would have none of it.
“No, sister. There is nothing wrong with seeking information for your job. Right now I am asking you to use your skill to get me that video so that I can do my job.”
Muckraker eventually relented and the pastor is thankful.

Everyone has been hunting for the video.
Men wanted to know what is it that Gigaba thought was worthy capturing on video.

Women wanted to see what all the fuss was about.
Judging by the reaction Muckraker can tell you that many were not disappointed.
And because many were not dissatisfied with what they saw the scandal gradually disappeared.
If they had seen some tiny scary creature they would have quickly hit the roof and gone after Gigaba.

“Ke’ng ntho e nyane ena,” they would have asked in disgust. “Ha a na letho,” they would have said.
Gigaba’s reputation would have been butchered not on the basis of morality but the size of what he was showing off.
We are learning that those who have been telling men to avoid posting their nude pictures on social media don’t know what they are talking about.

The problem is never the posting but the size of what has been posted. If people think that you had something worth posting they will quickly forgive you.
You might actually start getting suitors like is happening to Gigaba. But if you post some little animal and pretend to be funny people will bludgeon you.
And don’t think it’s anything personal. It’s just the way humans think and behave. They believe people must keep their small things to themselves.

Those who insist on showing off their small things are ridiculed. That’s just the way it works. You cannot parade your little things at the market.

When people hear that you were showing off in a video they want to be satisfied that you had valid reason to do so. They have legitimate expectations to be entertained.
If you come brandishing your little creature they will rough you up with snide comments. The idea is simple: if they want to see small things they will stare at their own in the comfort of their homes.

The Gigaba issue also proves that women are a nasty lot. They are the ones talking loudest about Gigaba’s colleague. They are the most excited about what they see on the video. They are probably the ones who launched the Gigaba challenge. They are busy gawking the Gigaba video at every chance.
The lesson: never believe a woman who says size doesn’t matter. She is a horrible liar.
She just wants you to feel better but when you turn your back she will be chuckling.
You will be slow if you think this article was a tribute to big creatures.

Nka! Ichuuuuuuuuuuu!

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