Monday, December 31, 2012



____ Kiss me ~ it's midnight somewhere. (Helen Waite)

Need more? Try THESE.


Need a few more Facebook status updates about the New Year? Check out my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE today to see what my smart-ass readers have to say about it.

____ I've decided to raise the bar for my New Year's resolutions. This one is too short to lean against while drinking. (Mustache Mann)
____ My New Year's resolution is to get so smashed I black out for the cab ride home, puke on my neighbors porch and wake up in bed with strangers. Same as last years. (Chasity Myers)
____ Ever notice that the douchebag who says "See you next year!" on New Years Eve is always someone you wouldn't mind not seeing for the entire year? (Quirky Sally)
____ A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one Year and out the other. (Veronica Stone)
____ My biggest accomplishment in 2012 is writing "accomplishment" without typos. (Adam Apple)
___ My probation officer just called to see if I wanted to go party with her on New Years Eve...I smell a trap. (Tom Guntorius)
____ The lady at the liquor store just wished me a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. It's like, come on, you know you will see me at least 4 more times before then. (Sean Kylen)
____ My New Year's resolution is to stop talking to those people who keep asking me about my New Year's resolution. (Shafique Khatri)
____ I don't do New Years Resolutions. I do New Years Reservations. First I pick a restaurant. Then I'm like, hope this year doesn't suck. (Lisa James)
____ I bid ye all a Happy New Year and thank ye for the last 365 days of mirth, merriment and hilarity. (Danny Coleiro)
____ New Years Resolution: Don't stick tongue in toaster. (Todd Landon Wildig)
____ My New year's resolution is to beat the hell out of anyone who makes a New year's Resolution. (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ Well, now that all this Christmas love happiness and charitable crap is over, down to the important what hooker dress to wear for New Year's eve. (Chesty La Rue)
____ Happy New Year, everyone! (I stole this status) (Kim Stewart)

Some of you got a little sentimental about our FAN PAGE, and it made me happy:

____ Happy New Year to the person behind the scenes of MSIB and to all who take center stage on a daily basis and keep me laughing constantly. You remind me that no matter how shitty life can be at times, laughter is a cure-all. And a special thank you to beer, I couldn't have done it without you. Happy New Year! (Bob Brittain)
____ It's been a great year for the MSIB fan page. I've met so many new amazing, funny, witty, and genuinely awesome people this year. So, as I'm going to be getting blasted this evening, a huge part of it is going to because of this room, and the awesome people I've met. Cheers! (Mike Seriously)
____ If I have to thank 1 person for making 2012 way better for me It will have to be the person behind MSIB for being the link to you people. You know who you you. (Adam Apple)
____ Happy New Year to those who make me laugh every day when I've needed it most. This page & the people on it are a gift :) (Liz Barrand)

Monday, December 24, 2012


You are likely here because you want a Facebook status update that will make your friends laugh. If that is the case, I like you already. There are a lot of grumpy people on Facebook this year. A lot of whiny people whining about a lot of stuff. You, however, have chosen to help your Facebook friends escape the negativity that may surround them. Facebook would suck without people like you!
If you've followed my blog for a long time, you may know that both of my parents are battling cancer. I could go into more detail, but I won't. I could write paragraph after paragraph about how hilarious and awesome they are and that they fill me with hope and gratefulness every day, but I won't.

**Mom and Dad dancing at a wedding reception last month. **

I will say that they make me laugh. All the time. They always have. Even now, their humor is captivating to me. However, right now they could use something unexpected to give them some laughter, joy, HOPE. My wish is for them to go to the mailbox and see it filled with funny postcards or letters by my humorous readers from all over the world. Please send some cheer to: Mom and Pop MSIB - P.O. Box 1824, Maryland Heights, MO, 63043. It will only take a few minutes to make their lives a little brighter. They can't travel, but I have readers from all over the globe and they would love to see who you are, where you are from, and why you know their weirdo kid. This is my Holiday wish. Happy Holidays to my second family over at MY STATUS IS BADDEST! Much love, MSIB :)

Thursday, December 20, 2012


My FACEBOOK FANS have been very busy writing about our impending doom tomorrow. You'd think they would be out getting drunk or building that treehouse they always wanted, but whatever. Thanks, guys. I sure will miss you wacky bastards!

____ Can someone tell me why we are putting so much faith in the Mayans? They couldn't even predict Spanish guys in funny hats destroying their civilization much less the end of the world. (Jack Olivar)
____ The next time you come across a Mayan making a calendar, leave him the f*** alone! (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Just two weeks 'til the end of the Mayan calendar and the start of the apocalypse. I hope it's not as devastating as Y2K was. (Hollywood Allan)
____ I hope the Mayans were right, because I've run out of storage space for all these f***s I don't give. (Danny Coleiro)
____ According to the Mayans this will be the last Monday ever. I hope they are right because I just flipped my desk, shot my boss with the stapler and told the whole office to suck my balls. Man I'm gonna miss Mondays, (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ Preparation for End of the World, 15 days to go: Filling basement with lots of beer. (Lisa James)
____ I'm out of ice cream. Looks like the Mayans were right. (Imraan Jussab)
____ Sorry Mayans. The world won't be ending on the 21st of December. Apparently it already ended this morning when I left the toilet seat up. (Joe Felli)
____ You'd think we'd get the apocalypse off to spend with our families, but NOOO. (Danny Coleiro)
____ My wife and I were fighting over a really old calendar. She said it was hers, but it was actually Mayan. (Dave NoMoneyhoney Blum)
____ If the Apocalypse doesn't happen, don't worry. People will be posting "It's not the end of the world!" jokes all f***ing day long on Facebook.(Mys ter E)
____ If the world dosen't end on the 21st, I sure do have a lot of MREs to gift wrap.(Donny Norris)
____ I'm taking Pre-Orders for some new merchandise: "The World was supposed to end but I'm still alive and I all got was this lousy t-shirt". (Lisa James)
____ Thanks to the Mayans, we'll never get to experience 13/13/13. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I've been preparing for the zombie apocalypse my whole life by ordering my steaks rare and being completely dead inside. (Connie Day)
____ World is going to end in 5 days and YOU are worried about how I GOT INTO YOUR CAR? (MindFreak Covert Operative)
____ I've decided to quit smoking. I want to be fit enough to lift a 32 inch flat screen during the "end of the world" looting coming up. (Aubrey Otieno Otieno)
____ "Well, this is awkward..." - the Mayans. 22-12-12. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Tonight in MSIB news, the Mayan calendar draws to a close. A select few have prepared for the impending zombie apocalypse, which the government has openly stated will end mankind. The leader of the resistance, Donny Norris, states: "With proper, pre-planned stockpiles of food, ammunition, and knowledge of how to live off the land, mankind can survive. However, NHL fans? All hope seems doomed."  (Dave Murawski)
____ The Mayan Calendar predicted that on 12-21-12, there would be some really bad status updates about 12-21-12. Like this one. (Imraan Jussab)
____ I'd like to confess, before the world ends, that I don't really like anybody's status. Unless the Mayans were wrong. In which case, you're the best thing to ever happen to the Internet. (Danny Coleiro)
____ So what if I can't spell "Armagedon"? It's not the end of the world. (Les Chinyanga)
____ Does anyone know what time the world is ending on the 21st? That would be helpful information. (Lisa James)

Wednesday, December 19, 2012


Tis the season to share the Holiday status updates my FACEBOOK FANS have shared:

____ As I scroll through my Facebook feed this holiday season, I find myself overcome with emotion and love. And then I remember I've had a lot of moonshine and I pass out on the floor. (My Status Is Baddest)
____ In my state it's not illegal to pepper spray someone on your property. Christmas carolers and UPS men be forewarned. (Thomas Christopher)
____ All I want for Christmas is for my family is to stop wanting for Christmas. (Norm Butler)
____ On the 12th drink of Christmas, I was drunk. (Lisa James)
____ This year, for Christmas, I want my money back. (Danny Coleiro)
____ It's that time of year again when commercials remind me that I will never get a car with a damn bow on it. (Carrie Leigh)
____ "Glo-o-o-o-o-or, o-o-o-o-o, o-o-o-o-oooor-ia... x32" - someone who wasn't very creative when it came to writing lyrics for Christmas carols. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I am officially in the Christmas which, I mean, I hate everyone and everything and drink copious amounts of booze and pass out a lot. (Bob Brittain)
____ I'm dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out I'll pop open the red and drink that. (Ruth Mcconnachie)
____ For the sake of equality, I'm making snowboobs instead of snowballs this year. (Danny Coleiro)
____ So when someone asks you "Where is your Christmas Spirit?" are you supposed to point out your liquor cabinet? (Lori Anne)
____ Can't wait to be full of Christmas beer! I mean cheer. No, I definitely mean beer. (Sara Lavoie)
____ "I know this time of year we concentrate on the North Pole, but my South Pole could really use some of your attention" - from my collection of failed Christmas pickup lines (Jack Olivar)
____ If you see me at the store and I'm wearing a big puffy coat zipped all the way up and I'm acting all anxious and shifty-eyed, don't strike up a conversation with me. I just got your Christmas gift. You don't want to be an accessory. (Dorraj Koob)
____ Does anyone know what a 'Fa Call' is? Because that's what my wife said she got me for Christmas this year. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Do you like real ones or fake ones? HEY! I was talking about Christmas trees, you pervert! (Dotty Joyner)

Monday, December 3, 2012


____ I hate going to elementary school concerts. I can never find a designated driver. (Connie Day)
____ Let's run away together.. Lol jk, I have asthma. (Leesie Boo Broadnax)
____ Well stranger lady, your first mistake was liking my post. (MindFreak Covert Operative)
____ I'm in a public bathroom stall and this little kid peeks under the door while I'm peeing, and everyone laughs and thinks it's so cute...but I do it, and they call security. WTF. (Sharon Anastasia Beaverhousen)
____ I'm going to rewrite history. History. (Manish Bhardwaj)
____ You made me so upset. I'm not texting to you anymore. (Stephanie Manera)
____ I know I'm not the only one who uses empty xmas wrapping tubes to bonk someone over the head. (Snuffle Real Loudiguess)
____ The Lottery's "Hey, You Never Know" slogan also works for genital warts. (Jacque YoungMother Hubbard)
____ If you spend more time admiring your own posts then you do reading everyone else's, you're self absorbed. If you do the opposite, you're a stalker... Makes sense. (Mandeh Moo)
____ Yeah I'm married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskksdhfousg. THIS IS KELLY'S HUSBAND, SHE HAS TO GO NOW, KELLY SAYS GOODNIGHT. (Kelly-Brooke Collins)
____ I had Ants in my Pants until they all died in a horrible fire...because I lied :-( (Eric Caro)
____ Remember, kids: If you ever catch on fire 1) Open the door 2) Get on the floor 3) Everybody walk the dinosaur. (Mike Seriously)

____ My Rice Krispies tell me to do some weird shit, so I let vodka make a lot of the decisions. (Rita Filakia)
____ I no longer bring women home because my dad stabs them with a knife to make sure they're not inflatable...and then I have to buy a new one. (Mike Seriously)
____ I stand up for what I believe in, which makes believing in sitting down really hard to do. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I used to think I was a man of vision. Now i'm pretty sure they're hallucinations. (Howie Feltersnatch)
____ Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their ass with an iPad. (Tom Guntorius)
____ I don't know how many girls it takes to change a lightbulb but I f***ing guarantee you they'd post pictures of them doing it on Facebook. (Mike Seriously)
____ It's not so much that I wanted to drink the whole bottle of wine, I just couldn't figure out how to get the cork back in it. (Jack Olivar)
____ You know how you shine a laser on the floor and make your dog run into stuff? I was running through the house pointing the laser for the dog and I ran straight into the wall and damn near knocked myself out. The laser is no longer funny. (Todd Landon Wildig)
____ I woke up this morning from a dream I was swimming in a river of orange soda, then I realized it really was a Fanta sea. (Jack Olivar)
____ If you live by the sword, I guess that is pretty cool. I live by some trees and shit. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ Honey...your 10 lb makeup bag tells me all I need to know about your fake ass personality. (Toni Daniels)
____ Don't quote me on this... but I was told a secret that people who say, "Don't quote me on this" are the same people who can't keep a secret. (Jack Wagon)
____ I like to play this drinking game where I take a shot at every red light and this is why I'm not allowed to adopt children. (Mike Seriously)
____ I dont have a police record but I think I have a Sting cassette tape somewhere (Mys ter E)
____ Scroll down for the most hilarious post ever...
. Scroll back up for the biggest lie ever. (Danny Coleiro)
____ "Eat shit and die" ~ every fly's bucket list, probably. (Jack Olivar)


Thanks to everyone who posts status updates on my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE. 13,700 people have chosen to take time out of their busy Facebook schedules to click the "LIKE" button.  It wouldn't survive without the funny people who share their status updates, expecting nothing but the warm, fuzzy feeling they receive when others "like" it.

____ Whenever I bite into a York Peppermint Patty, I remember I'm allergic to peppermint and drop to the floor in a seizure. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ So I've never done cocaine, but I have a question. Why do people do it in the bathroom? If you were doing a drug that you had to sniff really hard to do, isn't someplace where people poop not the ideal place? (Jack Olivar)
____ There's no place like home, unless you're homeless, in which case everywhere is like home. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I was wondering about my genealogy so I traced my family tree. Leaf it to me to trace my roots only to find out I'm the sap. (Jack Olivar)
____ You can learn a lot about people just by hiding under their bed. For example, this one likes to scream a lot. (MindFreak Covert Operative)
____ I ALWAYS hold the door open for ladies, but they never want to get in the van :( (Mike Seriously)
____ Sometimes instead of "poking" you, I just press my finger against your profile pic and do that little coochie coo motion and whisper "girlfriend". (Tom Guntorius)
____ The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing. (Mike Seriously)
____ Today I met a lady who not only knew the meaning of 'meretricious', but also had a mean right-hook. (Danny Coleiro)
____ My credit report said, "Return everything you just bought, except for the hooker're going to need those." (Toni Daniels)
____ I lost my shirt in the stock market today...also I think my pants. I got a little drunk at lunch, and apparently now I'm banned or some crap. (Jack Olivar)
____ What good is it to be cool if you don't get to wear a sombrero? (Howie Feltersnatch)
____ It's almost that time of year where I don't have to feel weird about eating cookies shaped like people. (Sean Shipley)
____ My hand is stuck in a jar of salsa right now. I'm just gonna leave it in there. This is who I am now. I'm tired of fighting. (Nadja Bara)
____ What's the difference between a pencil and a strawberry? One's a fruit, you idiot. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I love my Tiara ! I don't give a f*ck what those jealous bitches in my spinning class say. (Chesty La Rue)
____ My hands are almost exactly as cold as my heart right now. (Lisa James)
____ Ho, Ho, Ho and a bottle of rum - How I do my Christmas shopping. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ If a recipe has more than 5 ingredients in it, I'm not makin' it. Because, weed & lazy. (Toni Daniels)
____ The key to my heart is shaped like a bottle opener. (Lisa James)
____ Beware: Things get pretty messy when you let a Snickers REALLY satisfy you. (Mike Seriously)
____ The guy who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a download did not take his job seriously at all. (Ben Iz Bshop)
____ Can someone help me with this? I wanted some homemade honey, but I don't know how many bees to put in this far it tastes horrible. (Jack Olivar)
____ It's just occurred to me that I have never actually seen anyone lick their lips in anticipation of a good meal. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I think tomorrow evening, I am going to drive down to the local emergency room and call the boss from there and tell him, "I can't come in tomorrow, I am in the emergency room right now." If I hang up fast enough, I think that would not be considered a lie and a pretty damned good excuse for not going into work. (Beau Diggity)
____ Don't tell me I don't know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sample cart at Costco. (Jack Olivar)
____ I'm going for a run I'm back. (Kelly-Brooke Collins)
____ If I could save time in a bottle, the first thing I'd like to do is see what I could get for it on Craigslist. (Street Slim)
____ New children's book I'm working on: "Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak". (Kelly-Brooke Collins)
____ I'm not trying to sound racist, but all baby ultrasound pictures look alike. (Shafique Khatri)
____ Whoever won the powerball, will be praying hard for the world to not end this December. (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ Most of you like waking up in the morning to see the "comments" and "likes" that your status received. I like waking up in the morning to see WTF I posted! (Mustache Mann)
____ Fb, should stop suggesting me people I may know. Why would I wanna add the people I have taken money from? (Bate Mann)
____ I never make condescending jokes here. Mainly because you probably wouldn't get them. (Danny Coleiro)
____ RIP Jimi Hendrix. Just think, if you were alive today, you could get 1800 hits on YouTube doing a cover of Gangnam Style & watch music slowly die. (Jacque YoungMother Hubbard)
____ I've got bags of confidence...or "cocaine" as it's better known. (Chesty La Rue)
____ I don't have a narcissistic bone in my smoking hot body. (Kelly-Brooke Collins)
____ I saved a ton of money on Christmas gifts this year. Thank You Mayans. (Mustache Mann)
____ My love life is best best described as a portion of microwaved lasagna: Steaming hot in some parts, inexplicably frozen in others (Eric Caro)
____ We played some great drinking games when I went to Africa this, "the last one to find water dies". (Rita Filakia)
____ I finally met someone that used the words, "Cray, Cray". Where do I put the body, my yard is full. (Todd Landon Wildig)
____ If you were looking for me this morning? I was passed out on my neighbor's lawn trying to blend in with the deflated-blowup-Santa lawn ornament...(Amy Smith Wexler)
____ "To the right, to the right, to the right, to the right. To the left, to the left, to the left, to the left." - Where you can find the bodies in my storage unit. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)

____ I knew she was "Trouble" from the moment the announcer at the strip club introduced her as so. (Mustache Mann)
____ I don’t think of it as eating grapes, I think of it as preventing future raisins. Some call me a hero. (Connie Day)
____ It's so cute when I see people show affection in public...but when I do it, they're like "Sir, please get your penis out of my arm pit." (Jack Wagon)
____ The makers of the 5hr energy drink need to start making a 5hr nap drink. Fair is fair. (Stephanie Manera)
____ Sometimes, late at night in WalMart, I switch up all the color tubes in the hair dye kits. (Tom Guntorius)
____ So this cop stopped me and asked for my license. I offered him a donut & said "I donut have one" and we laughed and laughed...Oh, and I got arrested. (Shabana Essack)
____ Oh sure the White House is allowed to have a kill list but as soon as I have one everyone's all "you have the right to remain silent". (Lisa James)
____ You know how, at a party, when people find out that you're a doctor, they start showing you their cuts and bruises and asking for advice? Well, I've been telling women that I'm a gynecologist and it doesn't work like that, apparently. (Danny Coleiro)
____ *finds four leaf clover* *buys lottery ticket* *wins lottery* *runs outside yelling in excitement* *gets struck by lightning* (Jack Wagon)
____ Listen, I’m a girl. So please don’t ask me what a transmission is because I don’t know anything about sports. (Kelly-Brooke Collins)
____ I taught my kids everything I know, which is why they're dumb as bricks. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I hate when you playfully give someone a wet willy and they act all surprised and grossed out. If you don't like that kinda thing, don't take so long at the ATM, lady! (Sharon Anastasia Beaverhousen)
____ If you say stuff like "Okeydoke!" when you put the car in drive, and "Alrighty!" when you put the car in park, you can just drop me off here. (Kelly-Brooke Collins)
____ Is it too much to ask for an attractive, hot stalker? I mean, come on, seriously! (Chesty La Rue)
____ So did DMX ever find out where his dogs were? Did he put up posters or just write that song? (Jack Olivar)
____ We were so poor when I was a kid my Dad used to go outside on Christmas Eve and shoot a rifle in the air and tell us Santa just committed suicide. (Howie Feltersnatch)
____ I'm like one of those Matryoshka dolls, once you get through all the layers I'm pretty much empty inside. (Jack Olivar)
____ I attempted a leap of Faith today but accidentally kicked her in the head. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Driving by a hitchhiker holding their thumb up, thinking "Like". (Daniel Kilonzo)
____ Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I use beer. I call this the Heineken maneuver. (Gerti Kola)
____ I just threw up my weekend. (Danny Coleiro)
____ 98% of all band-aids are used to cover up a child's melodramatic bullshit. (Rita Filakia)
____ My soulmate will be the first girl I see who rocks air drums to the "In the Air Tonight" solo. (Eric Caro)
____ I can't be the only guy who created a Facebook profile called "Death" and started friend requesting all the senior citizens on here, right? (Jack Olivar)
____ Say "cheese!" because I want you to look like a complete f***ing idiot in this picture. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ The first person that falls asleep at my parties doesn't get written on or their hand in warm water. They get the phone numbers of their girlfriend and ex-girlfriend switched in their cell phone. (Richard Earle Crown)
____ A good sled can cost up to $300, but you can get one for under $100 if you're willing toboggan. (Randy Masters)
____ My parents always said I was a gifted child. Turns out they meant someone left me on their doorstep in a box. (Mys ter E)
____ Sprint is starting to treat me like I have no shirt and no shoes. (Mike Seriously)
____ When push comes to shove, I start stabbing. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)