DAWN DRESSLER: Toilets will be few and far between on the Information Superhighway

To quote someone famous (and now long dead), "Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated."

Well, not actually MY death. The death of newspapers.

I'm tired of reading articles  usually published in magazines  about the death of paper-printed publications like newspapers (AND magazines, in case no one who works for them has noticed). Death, according to those people, comes by electrocution. Newspapers will die, so they say, because people prefer getting their news in electronic mediums like the Information Superhighway.

For starters I don't believe it, and not just because I happen to work for a newspaper. I don't believe it because it goes against human nature. For instance:

Let's start with toilets.

OK, I know the T-Word isn't supposed to be used in mixed company (that's males and females), according to my grandma, but I have to use the word to explain my case. I'll try to be delicate.

It's simple.

When was the last time you tried to take a computer terminal into the bathroom, a.k.a. the home library? I don't know about your home library, but mine barely has enough room for a folded newspaper, much less a computer terminal, desk and separate phone line.

Along that same line of thinking, when was the last time you tried to line a cat box, or a bird cage for that matter, with a computer disk? Or when was the last time you tried to wrap a fish in a computer screen?

See my point?

AND, I dare you to try reading an electronic medium in the bathtub. THAT really will be death by electrocution, and, unfortunately, it will be yours. DO NOT try electronic browsing in the home library.

Back to newspapers. When was the last time you curled up by the fire with your honey on a rainy, fog-cloaked Northwest day and said, "Pass me the computer screen?"

And, exactly how do you share a computer screen, anyway, if you want to read sports and your honey wants to read the stock report?

Given the domestic squabbles which occur solely as a result of competing television programs and a single remote control, I shudder to think about the turmoil that would ensue from a shared computer screen.

And, speaking of sharing, when was the last time you stuck a computer disk on your refrigerator for all the world to see? I don't know about you, but I just can't visualize a proud grandma spotting little Johnny's name on the honor roll that way.

Now, imagine jumping on the ferry lugging your electronic medium. Given the general mood of most early morning ferry commuters, I suspect shoving your way in line with a computer terminal tucked under your arm might draw a few, uh, frowns. In my experience, toting a hairdryer and a briefcase is more than most of us can manage.

And what about sitting at the Family Pancake House, waiting on your dripping-with-butter-floating-in-syrup-breakfast? I'm sure the waitress won't mind serving a computer plug-in and a phone line on the side. I'm equally sure your breakfast partner, assuming he's still speaking to you after the fireplace incident, won't mind waiting until you're finished with the computer screen to do his own electronic browsing.

And, now for my final argument. Newspapers, real newspapers made with real paper, are not only educational but a bridge between strangers in an otherwise cold and isolated world.

OK. Maybe that's slightly overstating the case. But, let me ask you, when you've finished your electronic browsing, and assuming you are not Bill Gates, of course, are you going to leave a computer behind for someone else to read and enjoy?

I didn't think so.

So there you have it.

Now, pass me the classifieds.

(Dawn Dressler is editor of Neighbors, where her columns appear each Wednesday.)