MiSTed: Make a Fortune on the Information Superhighway [Tick, 4/20/1995] (1...2...3...4...5...6...7) MIKE and the BOTS are sitting around, playing Donkey Kong and enjoying some snack treats. SERVO: Go! Go! Get the banana! CROW: I got it, I got it... MIKE: Boy, sure is good to kick back and relax on a day like this, isn't it, guys? SERVO: Sure is...uh...guys? Cambot's on. CROW: Come here, you little... MIKE: You're right, Tom! We're broadcasting! But we don't have an experiment scheduled for today. I'd better check on this... [Deep 13] Dr. F and FRANK are holding the door to Deep 13 shut. There are a couple of reptilian-looking hands poking through, pushing on the door. DR. F: GET LOST! GET OUTTA--oh, hi, Mike, botsies...we're having a bit of an emergency down here in the lab... FRANK: We've got these Evil Dead Attorneys trying to serve us with subpoenas. DR. F: Some nonsense about "character defamation" and "slander"... FRANK: BACK! BACK, SIMBA! DR. F: Anyway, we're looking for some--OW!--some revenge, so we've got another Canter & Siegel masterpiece headed your way. Do us proud, boys... (The door slams shut, slicing off one of the Evil Dead Attorney's hands) FRANK: WHO'S LAUGHING NOW?! AH HA HA HA HA HA! DR. F: Groovy, Frank. [SOL] ALL: AHHHHH! WE'VE GOT POSTING SIGN! (7...6...5...4...3...2...1) SERVO: Mike, couldn't we have a Star Trek fanfic or something? I'm kind of numb to 'em now... >Make a Fortune on the Information Superhighway! CROW: Spin the wheel! Watch it go! Take it away, Vanna... >Don't let anything stop you. SERVO: Stay alive, no matter what occurs! I wll find you! >****************************** >1. Let us help ....... >****************************** MIKE: ...you into the poorhouse by taking all your savings. >Sell your product or services to millions of people on the Internet. CROW: And everyone will _love_ you! Just like they love us! >If >you're business SERVO: No, I'm not business, I'm Tom Servo. Who the hell are you? MIKE: Ah, nothing like a good grammar flame... >is being eaten up by high advertising costs, MIKE: Then dial 911. CROW: Rescue! 9! 1! 1! And read _Tekwar!_ >Cybersell, >the world famous Internet marketing company, offers a new alternative. SERVO: Weren't they the villains from _Terminator 2_? >Our system is very low cost in comparison with other advertising options >and it works! MIKE: You too can attempt to sell shoddy merchandise to Trekkies and shut-ins! >If you are an entrepreneur with a small business, we ALL: will, we will rock you! >especially welcome you. The economy needs you. This may be the break >you've been looking for! SERVO: Especially if you don't keep up the payments... CROW: So, which arm does ya want breaked first? >Call Cybersell at 602 661 5202 MIKE: Okay, how are you gonna prank 'em? SERVO: I'm thinking pizzas, Mike. Lots and lots of pizzas. CROW: "Hello, I'm looking for Amanda Hugankiss, please..." SERVO & CROW: Uhhhh huh huh huh huh. >******************************************* >2. Or Do It Yourself, Avoid The First Cyber Book Burning CROW: Fire! FIRE! YEAH! MIKE: All right, I call no more Beavis & Butthead riffs. CROW: Come on, it's a homage. SERVO: You mean like what they do to _this_ show? >THE FIRST CYBER BOOK BURNING IS AIMED AT "HOW TO MAKE A FORTUNE ON THE >INFORMATION SUPER HIGHWAY" (HarperCollins*) SERVO: Now, why can't Jesse Helms get annoyed with _this_? CROW: No naked guys with bullwhips. >Now available in the U.S., Canada and the United Kingdom. >Soon to be released in Germany, Korea, Mexico and Israel. MIKE: As soon as they get off their stinkin' butts and learn English, that is... >******************************************* > >If you would rather do-it-yourself, read the book "How to Make a Fortune >on the Information Super Highway" by Laurence Canter & Martha Siegel, >published by HarperCollins. It's available at your local bookstore in >either the business or computer section. CROW: You'll know it by the smell. >WE WARN YOU, MIKE: DO NOT MOCK US! >there is information contained in the book that some people >don't want you to know. CROW: The formula for Coke! Who shot JFK! Who's _really_ buried in Grant's Tomb! >College students and faculty members are misusing >computer facilities to try and intimidate the publishers, the bookstores, >and YOU from making a fortune in Cyberspace. LOOK FOR THE CLUES! SERVO: The truth...is out there. MIKE: So the hypothesis here is that college students are putting pressure on Harper Collins books not to publish this. CROW: Hey, if an entire sorority showed up on your doorstep and told you not to publish a book, trust me, you'd do it. >HarperCollins was urged not to publish "How to Make a Fortune on the >Information Superhighway." SERVO: I'm gonna make 'em an offer they can't refuse. >Mysteriously, word of this book is being wiped >from bookstore computers. "Newsweek" tech-heads warned "don't buy this >book." Bookstores are being urged to remove it from the shelves. CROW: Does the fact that the book sucks rocks have anything to do with it? SERVO: Might be the fact that it was written by these two... MIKE: Also, it seems unlikely that anybody'll buy the movie rights... >If a >bookstore clerk offers you advice on what not to read when you didn't ask, >you'll begin to have a clue. MIKE: Maybe _you'll_ get a clue next! >It's the very first Cyber Bookburning and >you can stop it. Learn some great money making ideas. Read "How to Make >a Fortune on the Information Superhighway." Don't be intimidated. Judge >for yourself. CROW: Yeah, those whisper-thin clerks at Waldenbooks just scare the hell out of me... SERVO: Read the new John Grisham book, or we shatter your kneecaps! >******************************************* >A Message To U.S. Access Providers Everywhere >********************************************* SERVO: Hi! How are the kids? >People need to make a living. Small business owners and entrepreneurs are >vital to maintaining the U.S. economy. MIKE: Lawyers, however, we could get rid of without much fuss. >Why are you cutting the lines to >the Internet of honest business people, but keeping them open to >pornographers and university electronic vandals? CROW: They throw better parties? >Why are you canceling >business messages but not of law-breaking hackers? Why are you canceling >messages at all? Who wrote your agenda? MIKE: Well, originally it was Shane Black, but we called in William Goldman for a rewrite. CROW: Sounds like the picture's in trouble. >Who pulls your strings? ALL: PULL DA STREEEENG! >What are >you really afraid of? The public deserves an answer. SERVO: You callin' Duane Barry a liar? >*********************************************** >A Word To Our Mailbombing Friends At MIT >*********************************************** MIKE: Try UPS, it's really much quicker. >Keep it up. CROW: Glad to! There's a few files from Project Gutenberg on their way to you right now! >Your leadership is undisputed. We wrote the book on Internet >marketing. You wrote the book on electronic vandalism. SERVO: If electronic vandalism has a name, it _must_ be MIT! > >********************************************* >GET THE FACTS ON BUSINESS IN CYBERSPACE >********************************************* > >Make YOUR Fortune on the Information Superhighway! MIKE: Stacked upon the bones of those who would block your path! >Cybersell's News Posting Service > >HarperCollins' book SERVO: Servo's vomit. CROW: Crow's inner rage. MIKE: Mike's nasal hair. CROW & SERVO: Huh? > >IT'S YOUR CHOICE > >IT'S YOUR BUSINESS MIKE: But it's _our_ friggin' newsgroup! >YOU DECIDE SERVO: Okay, we've decided. GET LOST! >********************************************* > >* Martha S. Siegel and Laurence A. Canter are principals of Cybersell. MIKE: It's the principals of the thing that bother me... >They are also authors of the book published by HarperCollins. CROW: (in Truman Capote voice) That's not writing, that's typing! >There is no >relationship express or implied between Cybersell and HarperCollins. >HARPERCOLLINS IS IN NO WAY RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS POSTING. SERVO: Good to know they're pushing the book, isn't it? Aw, criminy, let's get outta here... (7...6...5...4...3...2...1) SERVO: Jeez, some people never learn, eh, Mike? MIKE: You said it, my fireplug-like pal. It's just amazing that these guys don't get the point, that nobody liked having advertisements shoved into their face... CROW: Indeed, Mike...by the way, we'd better check in on the Mads so we can go sell more Mentos. MIKE: Oh, take your irony elsewhere. What do you think, sirs? [Deep 13] FRANK is hiding behind one of the many scientific-looking devices in Deep 13. FRANK: Uh...it's great, guys. I can't really talk now... DR. F: GET OUT HERE, YOU LITTLE CACODEMON BASTICH! FRANK: Ohhhhh, poopie... FRANK runs for it. Dr. F rushes in, wielding a shotgun and carrying a chainsaw. Dr. F: This is for DEIMOS! Uh...until next time, Mike... Dr. F shoots the button. *************************************************************************** Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and (c) 1994 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. Tick T "Soon you will curse as sharp as CEO, Inspired Weirdness Productions T a knife! Doomed is your soul pmilan@fscvax.fsc.mass.edu T and damned is your life!" CROSSROADS is coming T --Lord John Whorfin