There are a lot of emotions that go into texting, many of them involving frustration. And one of the downsides of texting is that, for such an informal means of communication, it’s hard to convey sarcasm. Or happiness. This is something people complain about all the time. “It’s hard to convey tone in a text message,” they say. I know. I’ve written almost 700 humor articles, and the vast majority of them are received by readers with absolutely no idea how to react emotionally.The issue with texting is that you’re not giving the other person a face he can see to gauge which emotion you want him to feel. So you want to at least send them a picture of a face. It doesn’t even have to be your face. It could be Pac Man’s.

Hence the invention of emojis. And it turns out that smiley faces have more emotions than just smiling. Who knew? Apparently, this smiley face guy is a real fake person with real feelings such as sadness , worry , confusion , disappointed relief , sushi , and levitating man in a business suit.

“How are you feeling?”

“I’m feeling eggplant.”

There’s no instruction manual. You just get rows and rows of pictures, and everyone uses whatever emojis they want to put together sentences, and that’s great, but technically you have to remember that there’s supposed to be some kind of communication here, and no one knows what you’re saying if you just start making things up .

So here are a bunch of emojis, along with their actual meanings that convey messages you might find yourself using every day:

The nose job did not go as planned.

I have a migraine.

“This tastes like Vaseline.”


“Am I wearing too much makeup?”

“He’s standing right behind me, isn’t he?”

“Happy Purim! I’m way more think than you drunk I am.”

“Have you seen my top hat? And the other half of my glasses?”

“The teacher’s blocking the board.”

“I thought you were supposed to bring the feather and the candle.”

“Should I be inhaling this stuff?”

“How do I keep this thing from sliding down?”


“Why does my hand smell like tuna fish?”

Lag Ba’Omer.

“Get out of the boat.”


“We’re not having soup.”

“But it fits in tight parking spots!”

“Where do the criminals sit?”

“Man overboard!”

“Let’s clean the oven for Pesach!”

“I’m ready to check the lettuce.”

“I have an old-timey phone.”

“I found your contact lens.”

“I’ve got a lot of balls up in the air at the moment.”

”You’re being nosey.”

“The tie came with the shirt.”

“I was born yesterday.”

“Is there a cover for this thing?”

“I can’t find the scissors.”

“You’re getting an Aliyah.”

Reusable cloth bags

Invisible karate man

“We lost the othe..r one.”


Young Israel

Yeshiva dorm

“How did this tree get here?”

“The GPS is down.”


“You didn’t say when.”

“We were out of birthday candles, so I used Shabbos candles.”


“Why do restaurants not cut the veggies all the way?”

“I have rugelach.”

“I’m going to be king of Egypt someday.”

“I need a tissue.”

Why did I come in here?

“Wipe that smirk off your face, or I’ll wipe it off for you.”


“Your breath is so bad I can smell it through the phone.”

“Whose thumbs are these?”

“I think I stepped in the paint.”

“What?! I just got out of the shower.”

“I have a question.”

“Does this look infected?”

“Time to light Shabbos candles.”

“Come down. We’re making Havdallah.”

“I said don’t shake the table!”

“Something’s not quite kosher.”

Texting is a great tool sometimes, but just like emojis, if you overuse it, people will stay far away from you . Sometimes your friends want to speak to a person .

I said a PERSON .

Never mind. Point is, we’ve all seen people staring at their phones while driving, while doing that slow, crowded circle dance at weddings, and while jogging into telephone poles.

Um, why are there still telephone poles?

Apparently, they’re fighting back.

And it could be you’re doing something really important on that phone. But to everyone around you, you just look like this .

And that’s actually sadness.