Monday, December 6, 2010


More than once I've read stories about people in a witness protection program who miss their family and friends so much that they make contact -- and are subsequently murdered after the people they're testifying against find them. Think about that for a moment. People enter witness protection programs because their lives are threatened. They have to leave their lives behind and getting in touch with family and friends could be fatal, but they risk it anyway.

Best Friends Are Huggable
Never underestimate friendship
Photo by Stuart Seeger
Many people don't appreciate the crushing loneliness you might feel in a new country. When I moved to the UK, I would sometimes use Skype to contact friends back in Portland, Oregon, but it was never enough. Sooner or later you'll probably find yourself sitting in your new home late at night, alone, and wondering if you've made a mistake. Even if you don't often pop round to see your friends or family, suddenly having the opportunity to do so removed from you can change your perspective dramatically.

Having a Partner

Going to another country with a partner can be harder to pull off logistically, but it does help to ease the loneliness. However, it can bring its own set of problems. I knew an American woman in London who was thinking about divorcing her American husband because he wanted to stay and she missed her friends. As you read more expat stories, you'll find that this is not unusual.

Planning Ahead

If you're going to go somewhere new, make a plan for how you're going to build up your new social circle. If its citizens/residents have good internet connections, you can often find online forums where you can contact some of them in advance. I've found that just posting and saying "I'm here and I want to meet people" will usually result in an offer or two of people willing to meet up for coffee or show you around. Even if you ordinarily would not share a house, maybe it's time to think about it. If you have new colleagues, make an effort to be friendly to them. Get to know the local politics, history and culture and your new-found acquaintances will appreciate the fact that you've taken the trouble to learn about their culture (a couple of times I found I knew more than the locals. It's poor form to let them know this).

KD and Veggie dogs
How do I explain this delicious abomination
to my French wife who loves fine food?
Photo by Matt MacGillivray
There are also often local expat gatherings. Many expats disdain them and say "mix with the locals!" They're right, but you still don't want to pass up the chance to hang out with people from your home country. Not only do you automatically have some common culture and experiences to bond about, but I found there was no one in Nottingham to whom I could moan about missing Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. They just wouldn't understand. Fellow expats know what I mean by this. When you're in a supermarket and looking at the pindakaas met stukjes noot and wondering if it's what you think it is, you might find yourself getting intense cravings for "comfort food" and other things you wish you could have but can no longer get very easily (my lovely wife once had Fritos drop-shipped to me, even though she doesn't understand them).

However, if you need further convincing that you should mix with the locals in addition to expats, as one person explained to me: "as an expat, your friends tend to be expats. This means all your friends leave in the end."


  1. Pindakaas met stukjes noot, lekker!
    Great post - I've had the opportunity (and still have) to migrate to another country (for work) but my close connection for my family and friends is something that keeps me from fully jumping at it.

    Still, it's that nagging feeling... :)

  2. @Job: yes, it is lekker, particularly when smeared on a piece of brood (lekker was one of the first words I learned in Amsterdam).

  3. Eichholz on Leidsestraat has Kraft Mac & Cheese :)

  4. @Anonymous: thank you. Fortunately, an aunt int he US shipped me a case and I still have some left, but Eichholz will be my next stop :)

  5. Interesting, my Michiganese wife also loves Mac & Cheese. I thought she was an anomaly but it seems to be cultural :)

  6. Oddly, mac'n'cheese is one of the easiest things to get in the UK - hell, TEsco offer it for online delivery.

  7. @almostwitty it was specifically the Kraft brand that I (and a friend) had cravings for. Different brands taste different! If Kraft was offered, I didn't see it.

  8. When I was living in London, I sometimes had the opposite effect: Some people were wary of investing too much time in the friendship (i.e., anything deeper than superficial) because they know that I was going to leave at some point.

  9. @Marcel: London, like Paris and other large cities, it a bit of an outlier here. When I lived in the town of Nottingham, population of less than 300,000, people were very friendly and open. Small towns offer an openness you'll rarely find in large cities.

  10. Yet another thing in my favour: I have no attachment to (shitty) American food. Nor does my wife. We like fresh, local cuisine, which is harder to come by in America than it seems it is in Europe. She's a sucker for pickled food (Swedish and Polish are her favourites). Packaged American food isn't in our diet, and since I've lived in Oregon 20 years, I don't have the boner for Mexican food that you do (fortunately). I found the kabobs in London and Netherlands to settle my craving for inexpensive food.

    Of course, this post was about making friends. I somehow have a feeling this won't be all that tough for me, being a gregarious extrovert. And it seems that if someone already has a contact or 4 in a city, you can exploit those contacts to find people of interest. For example, in London, if I were to relocate there (which I highly doubt) I would hang out with my goth-scene/poly/theatre friend for new connections. I also may just strike up conversation at the Dev, or go to events for fetish nights or the Slimelight. My friend Michael also has friends, and I ran into a steampunk guy on my trip that I would probably hang out with.

    For me, it is all about networking, and you do that by bouncing through the people you already know. I currently know no one in Barcelona (a place I really have my eye on), but if I decide to go there, the first thing I would do would be to get on to their goth internet boards to find people with similar musical/cultural interests.

    And never, ever rule out board games. They're a great way to get to know people.

    That said, I have hundreds (over 500 by my guess) of (real, live) friends in Portland, and it would take another 15 years to match something like that. So your point is taken.