Is the iPod Nano *Too* Thin?

Since its release on Wednesday, internet users have been bombarded with images of the freakishly slim iPod Nano, leading to a widespread delusion that other MP3 players are "too fat". Concerned mothers were shocked to hear Steve Jobs proclaim "It's thinner than a No. 2 pencil", prompting fears that millions of consumers will now be forced to compare their "average" players with these gangly freaks of the MP3 world. In an open-letter to His Steveness, one humorless worrywart demanded, "Why is it all about looks these days? My iRiver isn't as skinny as these new-fangled players, but it does have a lovely personality." Another retentive sourpuss was heard to exclaim, "Won't somebody please think of the children?"

The iPod Nano joins a long line of negative cultural stereotypes, including the Barbie doll, the stick insect and Lindsey Lohan. While the comparison may not be entirely fair (the iPod is a far better actor), there is no doubt that the tech industry is fuelling an unhealthy trend with its ceaseless "thin and light" gimmickry. And while the original iPod was once considered slender, the release of the somewhat-slinkier Nano has made it look like a veritable beefcake. As one iPod owner explains, "I used to think my iPod was attractive, but now I realize it's morbidly obese."

So how do the "normal" players stack up against their horrendously spindly counterpart? On a visit to the Apple Store, I approached some "teenagers" (young people who enjoy techno music) and asked them whether the iPod Nano had warped their fragile minds. My conclusions were startling. All of the youngsters I spoke to thought the positively skeletal Nano was more attractive than rival players, while one gawky young upstart claimed the Nano was "hotter than Natalie Portman covered in hot grits".

During a chance meeting at Black T-Shirts ‘R’ Us, I confronted Steve Jobs about Apple’s frightful preoccupation with the "inpossibly small". The stubbly CEO defended his company, claiming that Apple had made a "genuine effort" to create balance in its product line. "The Nano, for instance, was released in tandem with Apple's HOOKR phone, which is designed to resemble an obese call-girl." When I enquired about the Nano's microscopic waistline, Jobs retorted: “but sir, it’s wafer thin!”

**PS. If anyone has a paid blogging/writing job available, please email me — petecashmore {at sign here}

**PPS. My post "7 Things To Do With Your Old iPod Mini" was generating a lot of buzz. It can now be found at the Gadgets Weblog.