Over the years we have touched on a few subjects repeatedly, and for good reason, I believe. One such subject is infidelity.

Dear C.J.:

I recently ended an eight-year relationship after I found out my fiance had been a cheater.­

The sad thing is, he didn’t cheat just once. I am discovering multiple affairs, one which lasted for over a year apparently and with someone I knew well.

First he told me these people weren’t important to him, then he told me it was my fault for not being a good woman to him.

I don’t really expect you to have an answer for me, but maybe you can just give me some thoughts about why you think people do this. I just don’t understand it.


Dear Anonymous,

I wish I had some definitive reason why people play with the hearts, minds and trust of the one person who is supposed to mean the most to them.

I wish I knew why inevitably the words “he/she meant nothing to me” manage to worm their way into the end conversations that come when one is discovered being unfaithful.

I wish most of all I understood the mental path a cheater takes when deciding to stray and still keep someone else stringing along.

I think what I really want to address here, though, is the comment he made about you not being a “good woman.”

You understand, I hope, that is certainly an inaccurate statement? I know somewhere inside your heart and your head you are somehow agreeing with him because, in a twisted sense of logic, it makes sense.

The reality is, you could have been doing everything perfectly, and he still would have found a reason to justify his indiscretion.

What you should do, first and foremost, is place the blame directly upon the person who chose to break your trust.

It matters not that he felt there was something lacking in your relationship because the adult, manly thing to do would have been to sit down with you and talk about the things that needed adjusting.

If he had no interest in adjusting the relationship together, his next step should have been to end things with you before beginning a new relationship.

My last thought is in regard to those who knowingly have affairs with married/engaged/committed individuals. What you are doing is wrong in my opinion, if you choose to ignore the commitment that is part of this equation if you know about it upfront.

True, some people are victims of the lies as well, and are just as hurt by the truth coming out. It bears remembering that what someone does with you, they just as likely will do to you.

There are people out there who don’t cheat — who care enough about themselves and you that to act in this way is unacceptable to them. I would tell you it is possible to trust again and to have that trust respected.

I would tell you to heal and trust in yourself, and give love a chance.