Monday, August 29, 2011


It's been rescheduled. Again. Harold Camping, the worst Rapture-predictor of all time, has pushed back the date to October 21, 2011.

"Oh Holy Abacus, get it right this time." ~ Thomas Claveirole

At first he was saying that we (that is, the heathens left behind) would suffer through five months of Armageddon as described the Book of Revelations. But since there have been scheduling difficulties (God's got a lot on His plate), the Rapture, the Final Judgment and the End of All Things will now be happening all at once, and the Book of Revelations can go f&ck itself.

The Christian Crazies have now decided that the DC earthquake was a sign of the End Times. Because earthquakes just don't happen on the East Coast, you guys. They just don't. Ever.

Except sometimes. Here are some of the “severe” earthquakes that have occurred in Virginia:

  • 9 March 1828 An earthquake epicentered near Roanoke sent tremors all the way to Ohio.
  • 27 August 1833 This one killed two miners, who appear to have been trampled to death by freaked-out other miners, and “visibly agitated” some structures.
  • 29 April 1852 This one, too, occurred near Roanoke and was felt as far away as Philadelphia.
  • 31 August 1861 Another one felt in Ohio.
  • 22 December 1875 This one was on the coast. It broke windows in Richmond and caused, “general alarm,” although I'd imagine not too much, cause they didn't have Facebook yet.
  • 31 May 1897 The largest earthquake in Virginia history, this one was felt in Indiana.
  • 9 April 1918 This earthquake appears to have been comparable in size to the recent one in DC, with a felt area reaching West Virginia, Maryland and Pennsylvania.

There have been lots of them, actually, before and since, but I'm sick of the list now, and I think you get my point.

Except that this earthquake was different, you guys. This one cracked the Washington Monument. And you know what that means!

It means someone has to climb up and fix the friggin' thing, doesn' it? ~ OceanGroveDave
According to Pat Robertson, whom I refuse to call “reverend,” it means God doesn't like us anymore and will be smiting the sh*t out of us very soon. I mean, this is highly symbolic. We're One Nation Under God, right? It says so on the money, right? So that puts Him in charge, right?


Robertston reckons that this earthquake in DC is a sign of the Second Coming of Christ. The ultra-reputable website,, backs him up. Both point out that earthquakes will destroy the Earth in the days before Jesus returns.

Hang on a second...“destroy the Earth?” As in, the whole Earth? I've checked and most of it's still here. It wasn't that big of a quake after all. The monument cracked, it didn't fall down.

It didn't even crack that much. ~ National Park Service

Earthquakes, about the TRUE signs of the apocalypse here!

Friday, August 26, 2011

Fun Friday Facts #5: Learn Somethin', Why Don't Ya

Here, Faithful Readers, are your Fun Friday Facts. It's up to you to figure out to work them into conversation.

1) Scientists believe that, if human evolution is allowed to continue on its present course, the fifth toe (little toe, pinky toe, pig that went “Weeweewee!” all the way home) will disappear. Seems we just don't need it anymore.

Get lost, little toe.

2) In the state of West Virginia, public profanity may be punished by a fine of one dollar.

F&ck that, those f&cking f&ckers ain't gettin' my f&cking dollars. F&ck 'em.

3) The town of Morrilton, Arkansas hosts a yearly event called the Great Arkansas Pig-Out. I guess all the dignified festival names were taken.

According to this website, the Great Arkansas Pig-Out hosts an event known as the Running of the Fat Guys. Runners must weigh between 250 and 300 pounds (113 to 136 kilos) to participate, and they're required to stop at three designated locations, where they must shovel more food into their ponderous gullets.

I find no evidence of this event on the Great Arkansas Pig-Out's website, so it's either a rumor, a well-kept secret, or it's been discontined. I wouldn't be surprised if it had been discontinued. It was probably closely followed by the annual Picking Up of the Dead Fat Guys.

4) Speaking of odd contests, let's go back to the Colonial Mother for the World Toe Wrestling Championship. The championship takes place at the Bentley Brook Inn in Ashbourne, Derbyshire. Opponents bare their feet and sit on the floor, facing each other. Each presses the sole of his wrestling foot against the sole of the other guy's (or girl's – this is equal opportunity sh*t right here) foot, and they lock their toes together. Then they basically thumb-wrestle, but with their toes. You win by pinning your opponent's foot to the floor for three seconds.

This weird sh*t got started in 1976, when, according to the Bentley Brook Inn website, toe-wrestling's founder, George Burgess, realized that the English are bad at absolutely every sport in the world.

Even the ones they invented. ~ Prescott

Sadly, the English soon found that they rather sucked at toe-wrestling, too. The first World Toe Wrestling Champion was a Canadian.

"I'd like to thank my little toe, eh."

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

4 More Stupid Things Men Do


1) Assuming All Women Want Kids


I understand there's a clock in here somewhere.


LOL Yes I am.


2) Pointing It Out When We Gain Two Pounds




3) B*tching About Having to Buy Us Stuff








This is a foot, but you get the idea.


4) Bragging About Having F&cked Us






Monday, August 22, 2011

Weird Search Keywords I've Encountered on this Blog (So Far)

I know most of you faithful readers get here from my Facebook page, my Twitter feed, or by following along at home. Some of you even take the time to search my blog name or post titles on Google. Others, however, get here by accident. For them, I'm a detour on the road to something useful.

To those people, let me just say...I'm sorry. I don't know the real reason you didn't get a third date (unless you happen to be that one guy I was actually writing about) because I'm not really that good at this love stuff.

My blog stats let me know which search keywords are bringing people to my blog. Most of them are normal and sensible and have to do with me, my name or something I blogged about. Some of them, on the other hand, are bizarre. I know I'm not the only one who gets some weirdos wandering in, cause my colleague Lyn Midnight recently blogged about this exact same thing.

If you want to follow that link and read Lyn's post, I'll wait.

Okay! Welcome back! Here are some of my own bizarre search keywords:

are all women crazy? why don't they like mustaches?

Well, yes, we are, but that has nothing to do with mustaches. It probably has more to do with you.

That said, mustaches are kind of gross when you're making out really heavily. They get all damp, you see.

Sometimes they even get sticky. -- Ayleen Gaspar

goldfish why don't you call me

I'm a fish, b&tch. I don't have lungs!

girls on crutches

Anything's possible, so I suppose there must be some subset of men out there who are sexually attracted to crippled women. After all, there's fat pr0n, granny pr0n, amputee pr0n, girls with glasses pr0n, pregnant pr0n, midget pr0n, mullet pr0n, midget mullet pr0n...well, you get the idea.

military girl on crutches

Crippled soldier pr0n...

average times a two headed snake will appear

This one's odd, because I don't recall blogging about two-headed snakes at any point. I guess I have now.

I went ahead and Googled it, just to see how much digging it took to get to my blog with this keyword. It wasn't on the first page, the second page, the tenth page, the fifteenth page or the twentieth which point I gave up. Somebody is dedicated.

I never found the answer to the question, but I did find out that bicephaly (the condition of having two heads) is more common in snakes than in any other animal, and that a two-headed snake can live for more than 20 years. Snakes (and other animals, for that matter) wind up with two heads in the same way that conjoined twins sometimes do – identical twins occur (that's two sperm fertilizing one egg at the exact same instant) but the embryos fail to split apart completely.

Unlike humans, however, two headed snakes aren't self-aware. They don't realize they have two separate heads. This means that one head might try to go left, while the other one tries to go right. One head might fight the other one for food, not realizing, you know, that it's all going into the same stomach. By the same token, if one head feeds and the other does not, the one that doesn't feed apparently gets confused, since it's not hungry anymore, but it knows it didn't eat.

Which begs the question – how do you tell if a snake is confused?

Looks fine to me... -- Jason Pratt

rapture helmet

When I blogged about the non-rapture, I didn't realize that rapture helmets were a thing. Turns out they totally are a thing. They're not for the people left behind – oh no, screw those heathen f&ckers. They're for the people being raptured, so that they don't concuss themselves on a flock of ducks going up. You'd think God or Jesus or Elijah or somebody would clear the way, but I guess not.

I would've thought that if you're the type of guy who buys a rapture helmet, you're not getting raptured anyway, but I'd be wrong.

Because the MEEK get the f&cking EARTH, that's why. -- NASA

Friday, August 19, 2011

Fun Friday Facts...what number is this again? Oh right, 4

According to the Internet (which is always right, you know) the following things are true:

Cats can make over 100 distinct meow sounds.

Most of them mean, "Hey asshole, where's my dinner?" -- Mark Lee

Dogs, on the other hand, can make about 10 sounds.

Most of them mean, "Please don't kick me." -- Megan Coughlin

In the city of Dallas, Texas, it is apparently illegal to possess a realistic-looking dildo. Not that you'd really want to, anyway, cause they're always all veiny and sticky and gross. I mean, you know, like, even before you use them. It's that "realistic skin" stuff they came up with that feels less like skin and more like ET's a**hole. 

This ought to take care of that disturbing image. -- susan402

United States income tax laws fill a document 7,000,000 words long. For context, the average novel is about 80,000 words long. Yeah.

In 1989, the IRS established procedures for collecting taxes in the event of nuclear holocaust.

"As soon as this dies down, we'll audit the Johnsons."

Five pints right there. -- cstrom

Lee Redmond, a resident of Salt Lake City, Utah, holds the record for world's longest fingernails. At the time of the record, in 2001, her nails were 21'9” (6.6. m) long. By February 2009, Lee's nails were 28 feet (8.5 meters) long. Tragically, Ms. Redmond lost her nails in a car accident. She's says it's easier to do things now.

On 15 January 1919, 21 people were killed and 150 injured when a tank of molasses exploded. 2,300,000 gallons (8,700,000 L) of molasses roared through the streets at 35 mph (56 kmh). Hey, it's known for being slow.

Almost 100 years later, people still complain that the area smells of molasses.

This area, right here. -- Boston Public Library

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Ain't No Facepalm Big Enough

Last night one of my colleagues posted a news item from the British paper Daily Mail on Facebook. I normally ignore this particular colleague's news posts, since they usually have to do with psycho killers, and I have enough trouble sleeping. But this one caught my attention, since the people involved are still alive and in one piece.

Seems there's this 15-year-old girl, Soya Keaveney, in Thornaby, England, who's pregnant with her first child. This sort of thing is not unusual. Happens all the time. Hell, we put that sh*t on television in the States, and eat popcorn while we're watching it. Which might be why this particular family are treating a teenage pregnancy as a career advancement.

Or it might just be that they're thick as bricks. Think about it for a sec – this girl's mother, Janis Keaveney, named her daughter after tofu.

I like the sound of that. ~ Fuzheado

Mrs. Keaveney has two other children – her oldest daughter, Coco, must be named after that gorilla who learned sign language. The next youngest, Ritzy...wait a minute, RITZY?!? RITZY?!? You seriously named your kid that? Like, with a straight face and everything?

Are you f&cking kidding me? ~ Nonsequiturlass

But wait, I spoke too soon, for it gets worse, much worse – turns out little Tofu Keaveney has a twin brother.

His name is Tarot. You know, like the cards. Cause that wouldn't get his ass kicked at school.

But I digress. The sad thing about this story isn't that this mother gave her kids weird names, or even that she's happy about her 15-year-old daughter being pregnant. It may not be the most responsible reaction, but it's still better than chucking her out on the street to fend for herself, like some parents do.

No, the sad things about this story are as follows:
  1. The family are excited, because now they'll get to move into a bigger council house (that's public housing, for those of you who don't know). That's the first thing you should think of when your teenage girl gets pregnant – sweet, we'll get more welfare benefits!

  2. The three bedroom house they're currently in is getting claustrophobic, what with Janis Keaveney, Soya Keaveney, the brother, the baby daddy, the two older daughters and one of their babies, too.

    Wait a minute – “one of?” Does that mean there's more? Where are they? Who's raising them?

    Never mind, I don't wanna know.
  1. This (stupid, stupid) woman seems to really believe that her 15-year-old CHILD is going to make “a wonderful mother,” despite the fact that the poor dear clearly hasn't seen such a creature in her life. Mrs. Keaveney started tarting up her daughter and sending her out to discos at the age of seven, because a girl is never too young to be sexualized, right??

    Too soon? ~ Taurusrus
  1. Little Tofu (I mean, Soya, sorry) has hired a PR agent, who will be negotiating future media interviews. Cause if you can't be hardworking, talented, clever or rich, it might be enough to be outrageous.
  1. By the age of 12, Soya was on the Internet, posing in bikinis, and getting “twisted emails from 'strange men,'” according to the Daily Mail. Where any other mother would have called in the troops – or maybe taken down the pictures, geez – Mrs. Keaveney just amped it up a notch. That same year Soya posed for Closer magazine. She told them about how she wants to be a model when she grows up, how she's already dieting, and how she does (or did do, I guess) 200 sit-ups a day because she's “terrified of getting fat.”
Um. You do know that happens with pregnancy, right?

Friday, August 12, 2011

Fun Friday Facts #3: Moobs, poodles, and a foul-mouthed parrot

One thing that's occurred to me since I've started doing these, is that I can't be sure if these facts are, in fact, facts. Anyone can put anything on the Internet these days, after all – just look at me go!

Here's your (probably factual) Friday Facts:

1) If you're a dude, drinking too much gives you moobs. Turns your testosterone into estrogen, guys.

Also, this. -- Morgoth666

Hmmm. Maybe I can drink away my mustache...

2) There's a reason poodles have those stupid haircuts, and it's not because they're drag queens (not that there's anything wrong with that). It's because poodles were originally bred in Germany as hunting dogs. Their job was to dive into frigid water and retrieve dead birds. As you may have noticed, poodles have long, thick, curly fur coats that can dread up when left untrimmed. This presents a problem for a swimming dog – the dreads get waterlogged, and the dog sinks.

Fluffy? Fluffy?! Fluffeeeee!! -- kkic

But the hunters couldn't just shave them bald, cause then they'd freeze to death. So they started cutting as much of the fur as they could, while leaving enough to keep the dog's important bits – its chest and joints – warm. They used to tie brightly colored cloths to that ridiculous little afro, allowing hunters to identify their dogs in the water from a distance.

Laugh all you want, I'm a proud hunter. -- Belinda

3) I mentioned in a previous blog post that I'm descended from heroic Civil War General Thomas “Stonewall” Jackson. I'm also related to Andrew Jackson, otherwise known as the 7th President of the United States. Among his other questionable accomplishments, Jackson taught his pet parrot to cuss a blue streak. So much so, in fact, that it had to be removed from his funeral because its vulgarity was disturbing the mourners.

I have a lot in common with that f&cking parrot.

4) The ancient Egyptians used crocodile dung as a contraceptive vaginal suppository. Yep, they shoved reptile sh&t up their hoo-hoos. Something tells me there wasn't a lot of cunnlingus going on in the Old Kingdom.

The crazy part is, modern medical science suspects that the crocodile dung might have worked. It can raise pH levels in the vaginal canal, much like modern spermacidal suppositories do. When vaginal pH levels are too high, your man's swimmers fall dead.

Like this.

At least it's better than the ancient Chinese method – drink yourself a glass of mercury, darlin'! It won't be toxic for another 4,000 years!

Friday, August 5, 2011

Fun Friday Facts #2: Sleepless sea creatures, headless chickens, and the longest hiccup fit EVAR

It's that time of the week again – time for another installment of Fun Friday Facts! Get ready to learn something, kids, cause I'm about to give you all the conversational fodder you'll need for this weekend's dinner parties, barbecues, picnics and drinking binges.

1) On September 10, 1945, a Fruita, Colorado farmer named Lloyd Olsen went out to kill a rooster for the family's evening meal. Fortunately for both Lloyd and the rooster, he screwed it up.

The blade missed the rooster's jugular and carotid arteries and left its brain stem intact. As a result, the headless rooster shrugged, said “Meh,” and carried on living for another 18 months. It preened, pecked for food, and even continued crowing, although the crow was described as “gurgling” and “less than impressive.” Lloyd used an eyedropper to feed and water the rooster, and to periodically remove the mucus that accumulated in and blocked its windpipe.

During the course of its headless life, Mike the Chicken enjoyed perfect health (except for that head thing) and put on more than five pounds (2.3 kilos). The Olsens took Mike on the road, and he became famous nationwide, netting his owners the modern equivalent of $48,000 a month until his death from suffocation in 1947.

2) Researchers working at the University of California, Santa Cruz believe they have evidence that Homo sapiens interbed with Neanderthals, a species of human that died out 30,000 years ago. They've found that people all over the planet – even people native to places where Neanderthals never lived – share between one and four percent of their DNA with this more primitive species. I suppose that might explain a this guy in Idaho who's been told by the police to stop going out in his bunny suit, because he's scaring the neighbors.

To be fair, they might have a point. -- Davis Doherty

3) Dolphins sleep with one eye open. They're able to do this by putting one half of their brains to sleep, while the other half remains active. But that's kind of oversimplifying things, because even that sleep isn't the same as our sleep. Some scientists have said that dolphins pretty much don't sleep at all.

"Whaddya mean, 'sleep'? I'm a friggin' dolphin!" -- Just Taken Pics

4) The Cheddar Man is a 9,000-year-old skeleton found in Gough's Cave, Cheddar Gorge, Somerset, England. They reckon he died from a hole in the head, since he seems to have a hole in his head.

I searched "Cheddar Man" on Google Images and this is what I got. -- Carly  & Art

In 1996-97, a team of Oxford University researchers compared the Cheddar Man's DNA to that of the town's modern residents. They discovered that local resident Adrian Targett, along with two small children whose names were kept private, are directly descended from the 9,000-year-old skeleton. That means their families have been in the area since 7150 BC.

See, Martha, I told you we'd never get out of this podunk town. -- METROgrl

5) Charles Osbourne, a resident of Anthon, Iowa, holds the record for the world's longest hiccupping fit. He started hiccupping in 1922, and continued hiccupping 20 to 40 times a minute until 1990.

That's 68 years of drinking from the wrong side of the glass. -- allaboutgeorge

Despite his hiccupping problem, Charles married and sired eight children. He died on May 1, 1991, at the age of 97. He had been hiccup-free for more than a year.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Thoughts on Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part Two






But srsly, kids:

Wizards and Witches Get Married Really Young






Although I sure as hell would.

Harry Potter's Son is Understandably Terrified




This Movie Needs Some American Wizards




Then again, that would be kinda hard to write in.