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SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

John Semmens
SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: December 9, 2018 Edition  

Ocasio-Cortez Vows to Get Revenge on Trump Jr.

Newly elected Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-MY) vowed to "mete out sweet revenge" in response to Donald Trump Jr. sharing a meme predicting that if her socialist views are implemented Americans would end up eating their dogs.

"He may think he's clever mocking me," Ocasio-Cortez said, "but in another month I'll have the subpoena power I need to make his life a living Hell. On the specific topic of eating dogs, though, Junior is overlooking the positive impact that would have on mitigating global warming. So really, the joke is on him."

In related news, Google advised journalist John Stossel that it has blocked his "Socialism Leads to Violence" video from being viewed by anyone under 18 years of age. In his video victims of Venezuela's socialist regime are shown rioting over food shortages and eating garbage. Google CEO Sundar Pichai said "we filter out anything that could make people feel unsafe. The images in Stossel's video are unsuitable for viewing by children. They also give an unbalanced presentation emphasizing the negatives of socialism without showing the positives. Some countries do quite well under socialism, most notably the Soviet Union, which rose to superpower status using a socialist model."

Epstein's Settlement Boosts Clinton's Spirits

Sexual predator Jeffrey Epstein's settlement with a bevy of women who accused him of molestation when they they were under-aged teens is said to have buoyed former President Bill Clinton's spirits. Under the settlement, in return for millions of dollars the accusers have agreed to accept a gag order barring disclosure of any details related to the molestation.

"Jeff is a great guy and a generous host," Clinton recalled. "We had some great times together at his island retreat. I'm glad to see he won't be going to jail on a technicality. Thankfully, he had access to the kind of resources he needed to preserve his freedom. I don't expect they'll come after me, but if they do the millions I've got stashed away from my work for the Clinton Foundation give me the same option of buying off any accusers." Bill and Hillary Clinton have been paid more than $150 million for delivering speeches since 1997. These payments substantially increased when Hillary Clinton took office as secretary of state in 2009.

University Suspends Student for Gun Ownership

The University of North Texas is suspending Brandon Masin, a 25-year-old law student, alleging that he poses a danger. The accusation that led to the suspension was anonymous. Masin presented evidence indicating that witnesses would testify that he could not have been involved in the incident claimed by the unidentified accuser.

University of North Texas Chief of Police Ed Reynolds pointed out that "Masin is the founder of the law school's chapter of The Federalist Society, a notorious right-wing political organization. Thankfully, it is the only right-wing extremist element on campus. On top of this, Mr. Masin admits to owning a gun. Masin's assertion that state law supports this right is technically correct. Nevertheless it raises suspicion and lends credibility to the accusations made against him. Rather than be sorry later, we utilized our authority to suspend him."

Masin can appeal his suspension, but may miss the semester's final exams while waiting for his appeal to be taken up by the University. If he misses taking these exams he could "flunk out" and be dismissed from the law school for academic reasons.

Meanwhile, over at the University of Texas, Austin, liberals at the Counseling and Mental Health Center want masculinity to be designated as a mental illness. Chris Brownson, Associate Vice President for Student Affairs and Director of the Counseling and Mental Health Center says "the notion that a man ought to be a protector and provider for his family is out-dated. In the modern world we have the government to protect and provide for everyone of every gender. Men who can't accept this new paradigm are maladjusted and need to be identified as ill and subjected to treatment to cure them of their delusions."

School Bans Candy Canes

Another education bureaucracy abuse of power was demonstrated at the Manchester Elementary School in Omaha, Nebraska where principal Jennifer Sinclair announced a ban on candy canes. According to her, "the letter 'j' shape of the candy cane is an insidious attempt to inject religion into the school environment. Everyone knows that the 'j' stands for Jesus. We simply cannot permit such an egregious insult to all the non-Christian students at our school."

Candy canes aren't the only items on the Principal's forbidden list. Other banned items and activities include: Santas, elves, Christmas music, Christmas books, making an ornament to hang on a Christmas tree as a gift, any items combining the colors red and green, Christmas videos/movies and/or characters from Christmas movies.

"The only way to be inclusive and culturally sensitive toward non-Christians is to exclude any words, items, activities, or attitudes that are explicitly or implicitly Christian," Sinclair asserted. "I know that many students and parents consider me a Grinch for spoiling their holiday, but someone had to step forward if we are to shake off the delusions that have been the opiate of the masses and a barrier to the realization of Marx's vision of a classless utopia under a secular socialist government."

In other Christmas news, Facebook has censored a picture of Santa kneeling next to baby Jesus' manger because it "shows violent or graphic content." Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg explained "it is well known that Mary was impregnated without her consent. That she was not given the option of abortion did violence to her rights as a woman. The intrusion of Santa Claus in the picture wrongfully conveys a message implying that baby Jesus was a gift to the world. People need to be protected against accidentally receiving this message."

DNC Chair Blames Religion for Obstructing Socialism

Democratic National Committee (DNC) Chair Tom Perez blamed religion for "poisoning peoples' minds against the promise of socialism. No matter what we do through the media to try to advertise the benefits of socialism 24/7, the one hour a week people spend in church every Sunday is undermining our efforts."

"The priest or pastor who is telling the congregation that being good and being charitable is a matter of personal responsibility directly contradicts the message of the Democratic Party," Perez complained. "The notion of doing something because it is what God wants you to do dilutes the authority we have been assiduously trying to vest in government. It leaves it up to each individual to decide what he or she will do."

"This reinforcement of individualism negates the collective solidarity our Party has been preaching," Perez continued. "Experts should be the ones to decide what each person must do to support the collective well being of society. Individuals should accept and implement the decisions made for them by the experts."

"While the cultural transformation that our Party has wrought over the decades by dominating public schools, universities, media, television and the movies has made dramatic progress the continued interference by religious institutions free to broadcast nonconforming messages may be something we need to seriously consider dealing with," the DNC Chair suggested. "In China, the government reserves the right to approve the appointment of priests and pastors to churches. Maybe it's time we do the same thing here in this country."

DC Metro Track Inspectors Who Filed False Reports Reinstated

Two years ago 16 track inspectors and five supervisors for the Washington, DC Metro Rail system were fired for repeatedly filing false reports on track conditions. The Metro and Amalgamated Transit Union appealed these firings. An arbitrator hired to hear the appeal ordered all the fired individuals to be reinstated.

The basis for the reinstatement decision was the arbitrator's finding that "filing false reports was the normal practice in the track inspection program. Each inspection report was essentially an exact copy of the previous report filed for that section of track. No new measurements of deteriorated conditions were ever noted. Since fake reports were standard procedure throughout the system, the individuals singled out because derailments happened to occur on the sections they inspected were treated in a fashion that was discriminatory."

"The fact of the matter is that all sections of track were not actually inspected as they should have been," the arbitrator's report revealed. "The 21 individuals fired were merely unlucky that derailments occurred on their sections. We recommend that the broader problem of a procedural norm that resulted in falsified inspection reports needs to be addressed as a matter of public safety."

At the present time, Metro management and the Transit Union are not in agreement on a process for obtaining honest track inspection reports. Management contends that honest reporting is an implied obligation of the job. The union contends that the extra work entailed if honest reports are mandated is a "change in working conditions" and is demanding a pay increase "if honest reports are to be made a new task for employees."

Schwarzenegger Offers to Travel Back in Time

Calling President Trump "crazy" for abandoning the Paris Climate Accord that none of its signers are currently complying with, former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger offered "to travel back in time and kill the man who invented fire."

"Fire was the first fossil fuel," Schwarzenegger asserted. "If it had never been invented the whole destructive cycle of coal and oil would've been terminated before it even got started and our environment would be safe from global warming. Raw meat wouldn't have been as popular as grilled meat has turned out to be. Consequently, most people would likely be vegetarians today. There wouldn't be as many cows farting methane into the atmosphere. With body heat being our only source of warmth people would be forced to live together in harmony. There would probably be statues of me as the man who saved the world from becoming the rotten place it is because of our reliance on combustion for energy. I might even be worshiped as a god."

In another instance of a celebrity demonstrating a poor grasp of reality, Tom Arnold, the man who became famous for marrying Roseanne Barr and once appeared in a movie with Schwarzenegger, alleges that "80% of gun owners shoot themselves or a family member. The decent part of me says we should confiscate all the guns to save these people's lives. On the other hand, it occurred to me that at some point, the last gun owner will off himself and his family and solve the problem of too many guns in the wrong hands."

63% of Immigrants on Welfare

The claim that people are illegally entering the United States in order to do the work that Americans refuse to do was dealt a blow when the Census Bureau issued a report showing that 63% of non-citizens in the country are on welfare. In comparison, only 35% of persons born in the United States are on welfare.

Nevertheless, incoming Speaker of the House of Representatives Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) insists that "any effort to impede or slow the inflow of migrants is immoral. I was raised to believe that we are our brother's keeper and that is is our moral obligation to take care of the less fortunate. Obviously, those born in other countries are less fortunate and I will do everything in my power to ensure that every American pays as much in taxes as is necessary to take care of every immigrant who busts through our borders."

Pelosi expressed confidence that her Party's superior moral stance on this issue will eventually pay off in terms of political success. "I foresee a future when no one who opposes this moral stand will ever win elective office," Pelosi predicted. "Humanity, or at least that portion that lives in the United States, will have recreated the Garden of Eden."