Sunday, March 7, 2010


My private security firm of choice.

Here is my proposal going forward: legalise everything and abolish law enforcement. Shocked? Don’t be. Let me explain:

With the abolition of law enforcement, anyone seeking protection from theft or physical harm will be compelled to hire a private security firm, thereby obtaining a quality of protection that exceeds the current norm (competitiveness from other firms will encouragize the maintenance of standards going forward - unlike the sloppy state run system we currently endure).

The legalisation of violent crime (let’s face it, most other forms of crime are effectively legal so we’re talking knackers here) will enabalize those who lack the funds to hire a security firm to generate the revenue to do so. In short: you have no money for a bodyguard to protect you from muggers/thieves/kidnappers therefore you go mugging/thieving/kidnapping until you have made enough money to hire a bodyguard. Hence, crime creates the market for crime prevention which in turn is paid for by crime. The snake eats its own tail. The books balance. Harmony is attained.

By embracing the violent crime sector into the fiscal food-chain we also create a range of new market opportunities. Cosmetic surgeons are currently suffering because people can’t afford to get comedy breasts anymore. Under my proposed system, the cosmetic surgery market would be inundated with requests for post-violent assault reconstructive procedures. Violent crime (I keep using the term ‘crime’ but such activities would of course no longer be ‘crimes’ per-se) would also create markets for bullet proof jackets, homes and automobiles not to mention microchip tag insertion procedures that will enable loved ones to find your body no matter how remote the ditch it is eventually dumped in.

Ideally, protection against violent assault should be just that, protection, and not prevention. The market does not solve problems but rather copes with them. To actually solve a problem upon which your livelihood is based is to make yourself redundant, which would make you poor and that would be silly.

Now, the bed-wetters out there will moan about how my proposed system affects quality of life but that whole ‘quality of life’ thing is getting a bit tired. It’s exactly what they said about the privatisation of health and that works perfectly. Besides, since when has ‘quality of life’ been mankind’s ultimate aim? Never, that’s since when. Mankind has reached this evolutionary stage for one purpose and one purpose only, Harmonisation of the Market. If ‘quality of life’ is to be compromised in the process of market harmonisation then so be it. Besides, when I consider ‘quality of life’, I quite fancy where my proposal might eventually take us. I see an exciting kind of futuristic feudal system (the feudal way of life being the one to which mankind is inherently drawn) where we compete for resources in thrilling pitch battles that involve hired soldiers of fortune shooting at each other from dune buggies and/or engaging each other with samurai swords as they rollerblade into the jaws of death. Vehicles will overturn and spectacularly explode causing their occupants to somersault through the air and then land with a ‘Kathunk’, impaled upon spiked railings. Needless to say, many of these soldiers of fortune will be hot women donned in scant post-apocalyptic attire. These warrior women will shriek wildly as they swing chains above their heads, leap from rooftops onto passing battle-trucks and cut the driver’s throat without a moment’s hesitation, their lust for carnage causing their beautiful wild eyes to roll in their heads as they lick the blood from their daggers, climb from the cabin, jump onto another racing vehicle and do the same to the next driver. The conflict ends and they are victorious. They prowl the debris, regarding the corpses and body parts of their vanquished foes as satiated panthers regard their slaughtered prey. Their athletic physiques perspiring, glistening, streaked with blood and powdered by dust. Have them stripped and washed and brought to my quarters AT ONCE! This is the free-market dream going forward. Who’s with me?

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