Note to a World of Warcraft hostage

Dear hostage,

Right now, you’re back in your small, locked cage, wondering how long it will be before I come back for another attempt to win you your freedom. You may be thinking back on my previous tries, all valiant brave acts that ended in defeat, and your heart may warm to know that my determination to liberate you won’t be stopped by temporary setbacks or heartbreaking failure.

You are wrong. There will be no more rescues by me, not because I am not brave, or able. No, I have decided that you are better off dead, or at least, in the cage supervised by your captors.

A wave of relief washed over me as I reached this decision, and more than ever, I know that I am right. You are not worth it — the world is better off without you. You may wonder why I have reached this conclusions, and it only right that I owe you an explanation.

You are the worst kind of teammate. Sneaking away from your captors, heavily outnumbered, you can’t seem to resist the temptation to randomly rush off and pick fights with them, even as I’m trying to carefully clear the way in front of you. You attract the attention of groups as if you were some kind of aspiring idol and not a refuge from their imprisonment. You cannot be controlled or counted on to act rationally or even in a consistent, stupid manner that I might compensate for.

I suspect you were not innocently captured, as you would have me believe. I have begun to see that your captors have a point. Most likely, you were wandering around and blundered into their camp, at which point you decided to go for a stroll, attacking them at random until they subdued you and threw you in a cage, as much for your own safety as theirs.

I agree with them. I will find other things to do. I am sure in time there will be other heroes who are both stubborn and stupid, possibly traveling in groups, who will have the time and dullness of wit required to try and over again to help you.

Yours sincerely,