A word of caution for the young ones

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by VulkanLives, Apr 6, 2019.

  1. VulkanLives

    VulkanLives Fapstronaut

    Hello there,

    I want to share my story, as it weighs heavily in my mind.
    Tonight I met a girl from Tinder, and she brought her lady friend with her.
    We ended up having a threesome, which in anybody's book it's a win...but instead of me celebrating, I have to take heavy decisions.
    I am on PM mode only, as I thought to myself I should leave my options of real sex open.
    Well, just a few years ago, I would be able over the course of 1 1/2 hour to finish three times, and with different chicks, as it is something I enjoy, the variety. Having threesomes is not something unusual either. Now unfortunately, having been disrespectful to my penis for years upon years (I am 35 now), I am not even able to keep my erection. The best I can do is a 6/10, and it constantly keeps dropping, to the point the girls were laughing with each other every time they had to wake it up.Imagine my feeling. I blame it on the goddamn porn I have been watching. For the past year and a half, I discover a specific genre that I really liked, and I have been slowly masturbating for 5-6 hours. Every day for multiple times. Unfortunately I believe that has ruined my sensation, my erections, gave me PIED, my interest in women, I even stopped going to the gym because I wanted to stay in and masturbate.
    I have reached an atrocious weight of 147kg, and I know that I am killing my penis with my weight, sugar problems and my porn addiction. And I firmly believe its all because of the porn.
    Tonight, I had to finish myself with my hands, as even though I tried hard to penetrate the girls, nothing sort of laying down worked, I could not even do missionary, because I was both soft, and immensely fat, looking at myself in the mirror.
    I will be resetting my badge back to 0, as I essentially had to masturbate to finish, it would have taken me more than an hour if I had not used my hand, and I will change to PMO mode, as I cannot take anymore the humiliation of my atrocious condition, and I have noone else to blame it but me.
    To the title point then.....A word to the younger fappers. If you wish to have a normal life, that does not make you feel like you are handicapped, if you want to feel like a real man (a man that does not get hard is nothing), RESPECT your penis. Leave it alone. Don't bother with porn. There is nothing to be gained by mentally castrating yourself. You might not feel like a man if your penis does not work, and trust me, that is potentially the worst thing a man can have. Go to the gym, respect your body, eat with some control, and exercise your will power. Be healthy. Don't be like me.

    I pray to God, to give me strength to overcome this, as I have no courage going with a woman again. I hope it is not permanent, I want to have kids at some point.
    Thank you for the support, and I hope I do not bother with my rant.
    Last edited: Apr 6, 2019
  2. Reborn16

    Reborn16 Fapstronaut

    Thank you for sharing. I had similar issues with the last two women I dated and agree a period of no stimulation whatsoever will help recovery, even if it's only for a month to start with.

    I feel I have to disagree with one statement, "a man that does not get hard is nothing".

    I say, anyone who is working to improve themselves without bringing others down is on track. You've taken responsibility, and reached out to help others. This is a greater measurement of your character.
    Nugget9 and Committed to One like this.
  3. VulkanLives

    VulkanLives Fapstronaut

    Thank you and I apologize for the statement, reading it again, it does feel harsh, however I felt that would be the biggest tragedy for me, if such a condition continues.
    We are not our penises, but rather men that are aspiring to improve ourselves and our world around us, and I feel that this is one of the reasons why people take this challenge on, including me, so I retract my statement, we are so much more even if we might experience erectile dysfunctions.
    I will abstain from sex for now, and I only hope that my sensations and functionality comes back. Once more thank you for the support.
  4. Reborn16

    Reborn16 Fapstronaut

    Well said, I understand it feels like a big deal (and it is an important part of our lives), but it's something we can recover from usually in a reasonable time.

    Somewhere on 'your brain on porn' website there's a good article on when best to 'kickstart' the brain into sexual mode after a break from anything like PMO or sex. You may find this interesting, as there's a point in recovery where I believe we may become alienated from both porn and real sex... until we get back into it again. Food for thought.

    Best of luck man!
    Nugget9 and VulkanLives like this.
  5. VulkanLives

    VulkanLives Fapstronaut

    Thank you, I believe I found it under Porn-Induced Sexual Dysfunctions> If I have ED, don’t I need to “use it or lose it?” on the "your brain on porn" website.
  6. jarvyjarvison

    jarvyjarvison Fapstronaut

    If you’re so fat, how are you scoring threesomes on tinder? I can’t even get women to text me back on plenty of fish.
    need4realchg and Capt. U like this.
  7. VulkanLives

    VulkanLives Fapstronaut

    It's not a competition my friend, and if you got any bragging tone from my message you are mistaken. Try Tinder, and Bumble less so, POF is garbage and full of fake profiles. Also try to be interesting in your first message and approach, and look decent in your pics, not meaning a gym buffed up dude, but a respectable man, with some well fitted clothes and shoes, something you would wear for your day in the office, but a notch better.. you might get lucky. Also, I am somewhat handsome, 1.89m tall, so I am not exactly a troll.
    Capt. U, Reborn16 and jarvyjarvison like this.
  8. SuperiorMan95

    SuperiorMan95 Fapstronaut

    Thanks my man. Appreciate the reminder. I am committed to hitting my objective which is No PMO until July 1st and then after that no P or M for the rest of my life! My goal is to integrate my sexuality into the rest of my life so that the whole is a harmonious balance. Period. Good luck to you and keep us updated.
    VulkanLives likes this.
  9. VulkanLives

    VulkanLives Fapstronaut

    I wish you the best ,you can do it, the rewards on the other side are far better than anything PMO will give you now. Life without P looks....beautiful.
  10. Renewd_mind20

    Renewd_mind20 Fapstronaut

    I feel your pain ,im 31 and am experiencing the priblems holding an erection which never happened before . But dont be so hard on yourself beating yourself up saying how worthless you are. One of my biggest issues that makes me relapse repeatedly is im also extremely hard on myself also .This time around im going about it with a lot more self love. We got this brother!
    VulkanLives likes this.
  11. 147 kg! You are morbidly obese! (Not any disrespect) You should start taking steps to get into a healthy bodyweight sooner than later.
    VulkanLives likes this.
  12. a.b.c_starboy

    a.b.c_starboy Fapstronaut

    Thanks for sharing. I also faced similar problems of arousals though I'm trying to break out of it. From your words, I got a direction to correct myself early.
    BTW though the statement looks harsh, it's completely true:
    I agree with that.
  13. VulkanLives

    VulkanLives Fapstronaut

    Thank you all for your good words, I am on a diet currently, and I have already started a work out regiment. I will not tolerate this self-induced humiliation anymore, I am angry.
    Being unable to hold your erection opens up pandora's box of self doubt and destructive thoughts, which can make PMO seem like a good resolution and something that can help, maybe because you can see your penis in action, or the assurance that it will give you when you orgasm, or any other idea. Beware, all these are traps (insert Admiral Ahkbar here), and they will only threaten your journey, these are the real demons in your head. Cast them out, the moment you feel you need to touch yourself, just get up and get out in a public place, do anything, but do not give in. Through our will power we can all do this.
  14. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    "how many guys stopped reading or thinking after we read the words "I had a threesome, and for me its not uncommon". Mouth hit the floor. Respect my man, you have my respect. 300lbs or not, you my friend are clearly :cool: Shagalicious. Damn!

    As for the rest of the story, I have only done the trifecta once but I think there's much more to this than what you're letting on. To mindlessly shag 2 chicks, (we don't know if you found both of them attractive?) requires intense concentration.

    Put aside erectile functionality for a second, at your size and height, age, etc, you would need to be either in love, or on something to keep that erection up and focused. I am hearing the rest of the guys' advice here, but I want you to consider the facts that you were in tinderland, where fairy dust makes some dreams crash and others come true.
  15. VulkanLives

    VulkanLives Fapstronaut

    Hey there need4realchg,

    I have been quite a "voracious predator", I cannot deny it. I came from a very conservative background, and a lot of shyness. However apparently, once I was set loose in the world, I was able to overcome it subconsciously, without actually realizing, as apparently I lost a LOT of opportunities in my earlier (and some in a not-so earlier) years. I have to say that yes, psychologically, it does put some stress on you to get with two chicks, especially when you did not expect it, but then it really is validating for your ego as a man, and that helps keep the little buddy up. I did not go looking for it, just happened. What happens DURING though, is a different story.
    With me, that last time was a case of "the spirit willing, but the body lacking" and I did not do my best. Funny enough, I ended up liking the surprise girl much more than the one I set the date with.
    PIED is real though, and it's no joke. I have been doing M the dry way for all my life. Yes, you heard me well, I have never used lotion, so you can imagine I have lost all sensation. Now couple that with P, edging for hours before I allow myself to O, and then you have a recipe for disaster. I was able to have normal intercourse with my ex-girlfriend a few months ago, and I was normally erect, and it was completely psychological. Now I cannot maintain an erection, because I "believe" I cannot maintain an erection. Its kind of a vicious circle, that you can only break when you force your body to want it, to remove the release of the PMO, build up your sensitivity, your desire, and then change the physical brain pathways. A set behavior can only change via drastic means, and NoFap is just the thing. That is why edging, fantasizing, looking at non-porn but in a sexual way, all these things are cheating, and a setback for your path.

    Right now, I have changed my life a lot. Let me enumerate for easier access :
    • I started going to the gym. It works in multiple ways - I go in afternoon when is the time I usually fap, so I consume the time elsewhere, I am too tired after, plus I have to go back to work, I get to work on my weight, and I also kinda feel like I did a good thing. Now imagine that, every day.
    • I removed all the silly porn triggers. I cleared my bookmarks and replaced them with NoFap favorite threads. Kinda works like the Panic button.
    • Removed all visually triggering apps - Instagram is now full of puppies, not a seductive woman in sight, deleted Tinder, Bumble,POF, OkCupid all that crap. My target group is now real women in my immediate vicinity.
    • Started reading books of masculine nature. I don't mean self help books, or Alpha male bs (if you stop fapping you get more benefits and natural attraction by default) but I read military sci-fi. There is nothing saying be a strong dude like awe-inspiring Space Marines in grimdark setting that allows no thoughts of carnal desires. The authors often write simple truths that apply in our lives by packaging them with the valor of an indomitable warrior. I like that.
    • Started playing video games again. I was not addicted to them, but I really liked them. I lost them as I was 100% preferring to fap than play even for 10 mins. After a few years of that, my love was faded away. Now I am able to get back and started eating away at my backlog, feeling the same exhilaration I feel when I go to the gym ,I did a good thing for me.
    • I started appreciating the desire of meeting a woman. Let me explain, while in the mentality of PMO, women are becoming objects of sexual tension and release, and they lose their humanity. Within a week of me abstaining from PMO, I started feeling differently, I enjoyed having conversations with girls I could only think before in bedding them. I started sharing in their world views, and I realized that my previous view of them was extremely sexist. Now don't get me wrong, I did not grab a Fedora and a Katana, even though I have the body for it, and I did not start m'lady-ing all the girls. I just got...interested.
    • I realized that this urge, this desire, the NEED to be with a girl, the one that comes from your core, your inner being, is a far more desirable or fun if you wish, condition, than that drained existence you feel when you just fapped, and you just betrayed your path, your cause and all of those pretty words you vowed to follow. It helped me sometimes avert a fap.
    • I understood that M and O are normal, but should be treated as special. It is not something you want to do all the time, but rather you consciously choose to do (the O part at least) together with someone else. Think of it as this finite resource, that should be used in specific circumstances. Kinda like how you hoard the best potions in Skyrim for that encounter with the Dragon.
    • I organized my free time. Once you stop fapping, you realize you have way lot more time than you thought. The go-to reaction of your body will be "let's PMO!". You got to fill up your time with something else. Preferably something that is either all consuming of your perception, like videogames, or an engrossing series or book, or just get out and be with people. My best day in the past few months was exactly like this "wake up-have coffee-work-lunch-workout-play games-read book-work-have dinner with friends-watch netflix comedy-sleep by 12". It was wonderful and fullfilling, I did EVERYTHING I enjoy! Well bar from having a girl.
    • I realized that if I do not remove my addiction and help my health I will die because of sheer stupidity, just cause I did not have the guts to say no to fapping, a pretty low reason to lose your life, right?
    I realize that this post dragged much more than I expected so I apologize for the long read. There is not TL;DR as all points are believe are valuable enough to not be reduced to easy to swallow (and easy to forget) nuggets of information.
    Thanks for your patience, and remember, just make it a day at a time. Just be good today, and not leave it for tomorrow.
    Tryingto likes this.
  16. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Dude, I wonder if it's just me, but I totally respect you because I share a lot of common experiences and can relate with literally everything you have shared.

    I come from highly conservative religious side too, and I am definitely "out there" pushing limits of everything. I don't think I ever considered myself an "PA" until about day 4 on NoFAP. I'm still getting used to admitting this!

    Been PMO for 18 years more or less. First sexual contact was with a male cousin, at 10. I had 3 serious relationships, lost my virginity at 19, to #2, and then stopped all sexual relations until I got married at 22 to girlfriend #3.

    In hindsight, it was too early/young, but I didn't want to be promiscuous I opted for marriage. Kids came a couple years later, and all was good for the most part. wife caught me a couple of times and I tried hard to row backwards against the current. For the most part, normal relations resumed, until I was 30.

    Then, I started traveling internationally for work, which was my life-long dream. A customer took me to my first strip club, and I hated it but loved it. I was hooked to the attention that I got, here in the US I was used to being ignored; but there, the girls loved me b/c I was different, american, etc. I didn't have money but I started down the path you describe, and voraciously is a good adjective.

    fast forward 5 years to today, now separated, and have tried to reform/reboot again. I'm trying to kick this habit because I am certain I will be successful and rich if I can just get rid of this time-waster. I'm not doing it for my family, I'm doing it for me. And I am trying remake my life.

    Love this quote! LOL. Yes, honestly I have tried to get myself to think about it this way.

    Honestly, from the religious part of my brain, this makes perfect sense.

    I am trying to disconnect from the extra-marital relations that I have in other countries, and it's proving very difficult. I got off of tinder and that was super hard. No FB, insta as well, which were tough as well. I started the gym thing, and end up there twice a day because I don't get tired, I'm using PMO for a sleep aid, and I'm trying to replace that with a sugar boost late at night.

    I would really appreciate keeping up with you, or at least having someone like you keep tabs on me though. I am way wild, and honestly I joined this site because i needed to, not because I want to 100%. I NEED to kick this thing, cause learning to manage it and live with it, takes so much energy and time; I want to repurpose that time.

    Stay strong brother.
  17. VulkanLives

    VulkanLives Fapstronaut

    Hey need'

    We are all here because we really SHOULD be, not always because we want too. But the reality is, if we are to be true to ourselves, we NEED to get rid of the addictions.
    Thank you for your respect, and I reply back with mine, being strong enough to accept you have a problem, and then taking active steps to cure it, is worthy of respect, it shows courage and integrity, among other values as well.
    It sounds like you have a pretty wild side, something that you should not be ashamed for, some people are just very active sexually. This is not an excuse to turn it into an addiction, but an understanding that we all have different interests and appetites.

    Now, from what I read, I can relate totally, and I can tell you a couple of things that helped me. They can be super easy or hard, depending on your perspective. When I am in a relationship, I tend to get invested (like the knucklehead I am) and I do not consider it honest to screw around.Due to personal code of conduct, honor, integrity (religion has a lot to do with "doing the right thing")I found myself contemplating the reasons why ,and I found it was because I craved variety (an after effect of P) and something new after a while. Mix in the constant PMO so the reward system is broken, and you are essentially a junkie on dopamine.
    So I chose consciously, to not cheat or look for other women, because I wanted to be a good partner (I wish my exes did the same). I also consider the biggest transgression in a relationship cheating in any form (including what women consider harmless), so I cannot do what I criticize people on, right? I also understood that I can only achieve a deeper connection if I am true to my convictions and my relationship with them. For some reason my girlfriends throughout my life have always withheld sex from me (although so far 100% of them had external affairs, while with me). I can never understand that, especially since I am in bed a sexual tyrannosaurus, they thought they will control me with sex abstinence. I veered a bit of course there, but I mean you have to be true to yourself. You had a wife and kids. IF you feel like you need to reign it in, do it because of real reasons, that will stand the scrutiny of your mind at the moment it is lusting for some release.

    Furthermore, be mindful of the thought that you are "wild", as it might be a veiled acceptance of your addiction as "this is how I am" absolving subconsciously your self from any blame. That's the demons that they tried to teach us, those insidious thoughts that you need to be very mindful to recognize. Start with small steps that make sense. If you enjoy let's say strip clubs too much, think about it, do you like them because you end up having intercourse with the strippers? If not, then is it the attention? Could you get that attention from your partner? What is it you are looking for? I find that there are very few things that your partner will not be able to cover, and you should really think hard if you are expecting a bit too much. Human nature is not that unexpected or an unsolvable riddle, you just need to abstain a bit from the triggers, and your desires will rise so much that you will be able to be supremely satisfied with the most normal situation (missionary for 10 mins haha).

    Next time you travel the world, do what I do. Forego the hunky panky and get invested in the local tradition, food, sights, enjoy the life for what it is. For example, my original post happened in a Caribbean island a few days ago, and if I had just gone to that steakhouse like I had initially planned, I would not have had that threesome that I failed in so much. But at least it started me to my NoFap journey, so there is good in the bad right?
    Stay strong as well, and I will keep updating this thread as a sort of journey.

    Thank you brother, remember one day at a time.
  18. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Perfectly said my friend. I have tried to find more healthy options to do when I travel.
    Recently I started to do karaoke just to find a way to express myself and not be such a loner.

    But I agree 100% with "the reason why most men go to strip clubs is companionship" and I do get lonely when I don't do anything.

    I have also started joining gyms on the road for a few days, just to keep active. My plan b, is to have a nightcap, I don't drink cause I don't want my employers figuring out I drink on the road or that I party hard on the road. But, honestly I probably just have an addictive personality; I'm super likeable, and my challenges are a mystery to me.

    I am on this nofap like I was on tinder; just way engaged; and I feel better, even though I can't see major changes yet, this is more than I have ever shared with anyone, period. I think because of that, healing is a matter of time.
  19. VulkanLives

    VulkanLives Fapstronaut

    Hey there need'

    It looks like you have most of your ducks in a row. That is commendable and courageous. The PMO is an addiction that is quite pervasive and touches upon even the smallest parts of our psyches.
    Abolishing such an act from our everyday life will lead to -hopefully- dramatic differences, and that is what we strive for. However, do not take it as mere trend, that will burn and fizz out, because of inconvenience or any other reason.
    As an act it will establish you as a fighter, a character that masters his impulses, and even if you do abandon it further down the road, or your life situation demands for a change, you will be all the better for it.

    Remember what Aeschylus said, and then promptly requoted and paraphrased by Ralph Emerson "everything in moderation; including moderation".
    P.S. : Sharing can be cathartic, and it is greatly appreciated by people with emotions everywhere. You are not made vulnerable, instead you show your inner strength and courage. Speak your mind, remember that we all are equal and not here to bring anyone down and you will find a lot of support by like-minded people.
    Last edited: Apr 18, 2019
    need4realchg likes this.
  20. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    appreciate your wisdom pal. BTW which caribbean island did you hit up? Just wondering I'm headed to trinidad next month, good to have some recommendations.

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