Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Pen top killer!

I meant to post about this some time ago, but via Prodicus, I found that there is a movement to ban—and hold onto your hats here, folks—plastic pen tops.
The parents of a County Durham schoolboy, who choked to death on a plastic pen top, are stepping up their campaign to get them banned.

Ben Stirland, 13, from Consett, died in January, after swallowing the pen top while doing homework.

His parents vowed to get the tops banned after they said one acted "like a fish hook" when it became lodged in the teenager's throat.

A charity ball on Saturday aims to highlight their campaign.

You fucking what? Has this idiot boy qualified for the Darwin Awards?

Look, I know that you are upset that your fucking retarded tit of a son died in such an ignominious fashion but do you really think that this is a constructive use of anyone's fucking time?
Mrs Hodgson, 38, said: "Ben was very outgoing and popular at school and just loved having a laugh.

"What Ben was doing that day, chewing his pen, is what thousands of people do every day.

That's right, you dumb-ass; he was doing what thousands of people do every single fucking day and only your fucktard son managed to swallow his. How many people die every year from swallowing a plastic pen top; is your son the only one ever? What the fuck are you playing at, you stupid sods?

Seriously, I like a top on my pen: it allows me to ensure that I can hang it on my inside pocket and that the ink doesn't leak all over the lining on my suit.

Fuck off, you twat-monkeys, and go and do something constructive rather than indulging in this ridiculous bansturbation.

Fucking hellski...


JuliaM said...

The irony being that the pen lid was a 'safety' type with a hole at the top to allow airflow in cases of swallowing (introduced after earlier cases of choking), but then, you cannot legislate for a freak accident like this. Someone needs to tell the parents this...

Mark Wadsworth said...

The top doesn't stop the leaking, as it happens.

No, I think his parents are right. So following their logic we ought to ban cars and parents as well.

Roger Thornhill said...

A pen top with a hole to stop choking? I wondered why this was there and that the pens now DRY UP - another H&S move to send us BACKWARDS. Grief, even the humble Biro has passed its Concorde moment.

Serves the kid right for chewing his pen. Some addict came to my desk once and put MY pen, no, I mean one of the company Bics, in their mouth. One verbal bitch-slap and march to the Stationery cupboard to get a replacement later. A mate of mine just told people he stuffed the pens up his nose/ear/arse. I am surprised Gordon or Oaten did not pay a visit...

Regardless, the campaign is not the business of Government.

Anonymous said...

I bought an expensive Parker fountain pen once, and the fucker is quite useless because it has hidden air vents in the top of the cap, thus drying out the ink. Result? A £100 pen which cannot fucking write. Thanks health and safety mongs.

These parents should be told to shut the fuck up. Their son died in a tragic and freak accident, it will not bring him back, nor make his death in any way meaningful, to ban pen caps. Sometimes shit happens, and the fact that you have been bereaved does not give you any moral standing to fuck with everyone else. It just means you were unlucky. Deal with it in your own way, but don't try to fuck my life up one little bit.

PS: Anyone want to buy a gold-plated Parker Sonnet fountain pen, mint condition, never been used?

Katy Newton said...

Fuck me. Bereaved parents behaving irrationally! Just because their son died! Whoever heard of such at thing, eh? You know, usually I'm all for mocking the overly risk-conscious, but I would personally draw the line at calling a dead thirteen year old a "fucktard" because he chewed his pen whilst he was doing his homework. Or calling his grieving parents "twat-monkeys", however misguided their campaign.

Devil's Kitchen said...

And that is where you and I differ! But you are right, there is a line.

That is why I stopped at "fucktard" and "twat-monkeys"; you should see what I was planning to call these stupid, fascist fuckheads...


Katy Newton said...

Besides, I like clicky-top pens. I usually end up losing pen lids.

Anonymous said...


Listen, I'm sorry for their loss and all that, but that's it, it's their loss. It does not give them any moral standing to pontificate on anything, or give them a free pass to change laws.

If a madman with a pistol kills a child, that does not give its parents any special rights to insist that pistols should be banned. Understand what I said: any special rights. As citizens, they can campaign for any law they want, but the fact that they were unlucky does not give them a free pass to change the laws that govern me

bernard said...

Sealed pen tops are very important.
Remember what happened to Inspector Clouseau when interviewing Maria Gambrelli?
I can still hear that slurping sound, and taste the blue ink.

Anonymous said...

But, but, if the pens had no tops their pointy ends would be exposed and might put somebody's eye out if, for instance, poked into somebody's eye (I'm thinking Cyclops here). This would be a serious H&S issue, for slobbering neurotics stupid enough to worry about it.

Wrinkled Weasel said...

I got a nasty paper cut once. I tried to have paper banned but those bastards at Rymans can afford expensive lobbyists.

It's a wonder there are any books, what with the pen/paper danger.

Disproportionate response said...

Talking of killer pens, this is what I could have done with as a schoolboy


To be honest, I still fancy one

Frank P said...

You mean people are still using pens?

What I really need to know is how many people choke to death over their keyboards after reading some of the shit that circulates on the Internet. I've had a few near- death experiences meself. Present company excepted - of course.

Anonymous said...

I was watching a telly programme about the Yorkshire Ripper last night. It seems he had one of his eyes blinded by a psycho armed with what looked like a Parker Vector rollerball. Does this mean they should be banned or not? I can't make my mind up.

The Nameless One said...

"Mrs Hodgson, 38, said: "Ben was very outgoing and popular at school and just loved having a laugh.""

Because, of course, if a child is shy, less popular, and a bit less of a laugh they should choke on a pen lid. Fuck, we should force the pen lid down their throats.

Child died in a freak accident. Response - ban something without any thought as to the practicalities of it or, indeed, common sense. Bansturbation is a good name for it...

Katy Newton said...

Er, well, the parents themselves aren't going to ban it, are they? You're all slagging them off as if they've got the power to legislate. They haven't. They're campaigning. They have no power at all. They're just bereaved people looking for an outlet. The world's full of irrational people with irrational causes. At least I can understand why they're not thinking straight. When an official body of some sort, with power to legislate on this issue, starts making noises about banning pen lids, I'll call them fuckwits and twatmonkeys gladly, but at the moment you're all getting worked up over something that shows no signs of actually happening at all, and being incredibly offensive to two already horribly battered people in the first place. I'm all for being offensive when there's some sort of point to it, but in this case...?

Devil's Kitchen said...


Parents campainging to ban things leads to laws like this one.

That Bill against "violent porn" was, as I have stated at the bottom of that article, instigated because of another bereaved parent who wanted to "do something".

The issue is not important; the principle is.


Ima weiner said...

your all baree rude. if iv was that boy, id be so fucking angry that your disagreeing with the point of no pen lids and i would fuck u all up bitches
look yehh you say they're wasting their time campaigning to get pen lids banned but do u know whats even sadder? you guys writing a fucking essay complaining about them.
and don't try and say im sad to comment it coz all i did was type into google:

'why do biro pen lids have holes in them'

and i got this
when i saw what you were writing i was like to my dog


i mean come on now
a pen lid?

you fucking retarded fuckwits
have fun in hell
there no one escapes
you'll have all the time in the world to writ about pen lids and have fun times with them

and also can some of the people on here learn proper grammar and spelling
I mean really now you shouldn't be getting your 'there' 'their' and they're' mixed up ^.^
my earlier spelling mistakes were a mockery of your language and so that you can see how annoying it is to read comments that look as if they were written by a six year old chimp who was at the time admiring a pen lid

oh and by the way I would like to bid on that parker lin as long as you let me have the lid...because you love lids so much you may try and keep it and only sell me the pen :)

