<![CDATA[Up and Over Educational Services - Blog]]>Tue, 07 Jan 2020 03:21:44 -0800Weebly<![CDATA[How Did All Three of Your Three Kids Get Their Accredited State University Degrees for Under $20,000 each? (And Why is College So Expensive?)]]>Wed, 01 Jan 2020 08:00:00 GMThttps://www.upandovered.com/blog/how-did-all-three-of-your-three-kids-get-their-accredited-state-university-degrees-for-under-20000-each-and-why-is-college-so-expensive
Nobody likes to talk about money. Especially when they do not have enough of it.

College is expensive. Since 1975, college costs have increase 5 to 6 percent above inflation (or more!) every year. In 2003 the average cost of tuition rose 14 percent. Part of the reason for this is that the government continues to hand out money in the form of grants and student loans, and
the school’s costs rise to meet the ever increasing amount of money the government is willing to spend, and the ever increasing amounts of money  parents are willing to spend and willing to take on as debt so that their child can have a college education.

A good question to ask yourselves – What is the purpose of college for your family?

According to Andrew Ferguson, author of Crazy U, a book that tracks one father’s journey of getting his son into college, “In old world Europe, higher education has been conceived in almost spiritual terms, as a way to instruct maturing minds in the treasures of civilization, the guiding ideas, the political and moral philosophies, and the works of art and literature that make us what we are.” Today, many parents see college as a way for their child to get the skills they need to get a good job. Families need to decide on their vision of the purpose of college before embarking on the long road of college preparation and application.
So when it came time to start thinking about college for our own children, my husband and I asked ourselves – what non-traditional options are available? We are a “think outside the box” kind of family who decided to homeschool our children almost thirty years ago, back in the day when many people were still asking, “What in the world is homeschooling?” We had not saved up a large sum of money to spend on our kids’ college education, choosing 
to invest the major portion of our income in violin lessons, Boy Scout Camps and long trips traveling around the country. We felt that through our homeschooling, we had spent a lot of time doing an “old world” education style, instructing our children’s minds in “the treasures of civilization… moral philosophies, and the works of art and literature that make us what we are.” For our family, college was a time to pick up some work skills that would help our kids make a living. 

We also wanted to see that happen with little to no student (or parent) debt.

Here is a quick summary on how our children drastically reduced their cost of a college education.

All three of our children have accredited state university degrees. Our eldest has a B.A. in Music from Thomas Edison State University which she earned at a cost of $8,000 total. (Keep in mind, this was ten years ago. I am sure costs have increased.) She spent one semester at Cuesta College but acquired most of her undergraduate units through AP testing at the local high school (which was allowed even though she did not attend the high school) CLEP testing at the local community college, and creating portfolios of her ability in music. Some classes were passed by sending in videos of her playing the piano and violin. Other classes were passed by submitting evidence of her participation in the San Luis Obispo Symphony and the Cal Poly University Orchestra. (Interesting side note – our daughter was never enrolled in Cal Poly and did not pay any Cal Poly tuition, but because she played her violin at a level that helped raise the other Cal Poly students’ playing ability, she was allowed to participate for free. Thomas Edison State University still gave her credit for those classes.) Her upper division units were all completed through distance learning through Thomas Edison State University. (To keep reading, click: Read More)

It was an interesting decision for this child to do much of her college education from home. I had spent months helping her prepare for the PSAT and the SAT college entrance exams with the thought that I wanted her to have the option to go away to four-year university if she chose. Because she was well prepared, she did well on the tests and was a Merit Scholar Commendation winner on the PSAT test, and she scored in the top 2% of all test takes that year on the SAT. She was pursued by many colleges, but decided that by staying home and doing some distance classes, she could grow her violin teaching business, continue to play with the San Luis Obispo Symphony (which lead to a trip playing at the Sydney Opera House!) and maintain close relationships with her siblings (which lead to the three of them taking a month long trip to Europe together.) And she graduated with money in a savings account and no college debt. She is currently a Suzuki violin teacher in the San Francisco area and a happy (and busy!) mother of three young boys ages four and under.
Here is a photo our daughter took while in Germany with her two siblings. Sometimes the choice is - traditional college or travel?
Our second child has an A.A. in Business and an A.S in Automotive Technology from Cuesta College, and a B.S. in Automotive Management from Ferris State University. The cost for these degrees – finished three years ago – was around $20,000. He took a little more of a traditional route by completing all of his undergrad units at Cuesta College. He initially majored in business, but then took an elective class in the automotive department 
and felt that was a better fit for him so he continued on at Cuesta and got an A.S. in Automotive Technology. He worked for several years as an auto tech and then decided he most definitely did not want to do that for the rest of his life. Ferris State University has a program that if a student has an A.S in Automotive Technology from a community college, that student can take the management classes for a B.S. in Automotive Management through distant learning which is what our son did. He is now a Product Engineer for Toyota and is quite delighted with his career.

Our youngest has an A.A. in Humanities and an A.A. in Journalism from Cuesta College and a B.A. in Music and a B.A in Communications from Thomas Edison State University. The cost for these degrees finished three years ago was around $10,000. She was our child who really wanted to look into going away to school, so with this child we traveled to various universities to take college tours, did some proof reading of her college essays and figured out how to fill out the FAFSA (financial aid) forms. In the end, she decided that the debt she would have to take on to graduate from the colleges where she was accepted was more than the college experience itself was worth. So, she acquired her upper division units through distance learning like her siblings. She is newly married and teaches at a local school while giving Suzuki violin lessons in the afternoons and playing for the San Luis Obispo Symphony on the weekends.
I hope the story of our kids’ college experience is helpful for you. One of the books that helped us navigate a new approach to college education was Accelerated Distance Learning by Brad Voeller. There are so many new options and resources available now, but that book is where we began. It is important that you, as a parent, educate yourself. Even if your child is in a public school, you will find that most counselors are not much help. As 
Sometimes the choice is: Save for college or take lots of motorhome trips all around the country and make family memories.
one parent once humorously said, “The future of our children is too important to leave to our children.” I will admit that I spent as much time (okay, maybe more!) researching possibilities as my kids did so I could help summarize their options.

Since that time, I have helped many students research their college options and study for the SAT or ACT college entrance exams. If your child is on a four year university track, it is absolutely essential that they start studying for the SAT or ACT during their junior year to take the test at least twice in the spring so they can apply to college in October of their senior year. I have written another blog about college entrance exams at www.upandovered.com/blog/sat-vs-act-which-one-should-my-student-take-and-when.

Feel free to contact me if you have any questions or comments. There are so many choices for students today, and there is a good path available for every student.

Wishing you joy on the journey,
Debra Newby
<![CDATA[How are Music and Math Connected? (And What’s the Easiest Way to Learn to Play a New Instrument?)]]>Sun, 01 Dec 2019 08:00:00 GMThttps://www.upandovered.com/blog/how-are-music-and-math-connected-and-whats-the-easiest-way-to-learn-to-play-a-new-instrument
​For years I have been fascinated by patterns and the connection between music and math. For most of the time my two daughters were growing up, I sat in weekly Suzuki Violin lessons with them – taking copious notes as all “good Suzuki moms” do. As I sat and listened, and I realized that while my girls were fortunate to have music lessons, not every child had that opportunity. I began to think about ways that a student with no previous music experience could experience the joy of making music, and I wondered how I could use my math background to make that happen.
When a non-musician looks at a piece of music, he sees a bunch of symbols that have no meaning. But after some training, this same individual understands that the symbols are put together in repeating patterns that form the basis of a song. After understanding the symbols and patterns, he finds he can play a melody. It is the same way with math. Each symbol provides some information needed to solve the problem. Music and math both have repeating patterns. In mathematics, math students who can easily recognize patterns have an easier time spotting the process needed to solve an equation. For musicians, recognizing repeating patterns makes it easier to play and memorize songs.
As I listened to my daughters play at their many violin lessons, I marveled at how many songs could be played with just eight notes. I began to contemplate ways that a beginning musician could have an easy start to understanding how music patterns work, and this contemplation lead me to author a series of music pattern song books entitled Popular 8 Note Songs that I published a few years ago. 
Suzuki students learn to play by ear before they learn to read music because reading music is difficult. In my books, I used colored blocks to indicate the notes, and the size of each block indicates the timing. As long as the new musician can match either colors or letters and recognize the changing sizes of the blocks, he or she can play songs without having any previous musical experience.

In addition to creating new music pattern books, I taught myself how to be an importer and a package designer, and I created a new product line of musical instruments including precision tuned xylophones, rhythm sets and other items. It was a fun project, but I came to the conclusion that my heart is really in teaching students rather than running a product business, and I have let the importing and (for the most part) product part of this experience go. 
Students have different learning styles, and although the colored music patterns in the Popular 8 Note Songs books are very helpful for students who have a visual learning style, I knew that I needed to create something to help the auditory learners as well. There are now free audio tracks of all the songs in all of the books available online at www.UpadoUnlimited.com
I have always wanted to help people get “up and do” new things with their unlimited potential, so I have continued to fill my Up-a-do Unlimited website with additional free educational material. The rest of this blog will contain links to information that I hope will be helpful to you if are contemplating a new musical journey with your family. If I can answer any questions for you, please feel free to email me at info@UpandOverED.com or at info@UpadoUnlimited.com anytime!

Wishing you joy on the journey,
Debra Newby

Books and Xylophone Options with FREE Audio! Just Click the Links Below! 
FREE Musical Instruction! Just Click the Links Below!
Musical Blogs! Just Click the Links Below!
<![CDATA[What is the Most Important Thing You Learned as a Mother, Parent and Educator? (And How Did You Build a Strong Family Culture?)]]>Fri, 01 Nov 2019 07:00:00 GMThttps://www.upandovered.com/blog/what-is-the-most-important-thing-you-learned-as-a-mother-parent-and-educator-and-how-did-you-build-a-strong-family-culture
​Fall as here, and as we begin to look forward to the holidays and spending quality time with family and friends, we reminisce about past happy times and look forward to the shared adventures ahead. While most of my blogs discuss ways to help your child learn and move forward with their educational goals, this one will be a little different. 
This blog focuses on something that is even more important. Family.

I have been a mom for a long time – over thirty years! My kids are grown and gone, and my third grandson is due this month. And yet, my husband and I are as close to our kids now as we ever were, and we spend hours each week skyping with the two who have moved out of the area, and we see the one adult child who lives locally at least weekly. And we still all vacation together. Last November, our whole family including our three kids, our two sons-in-law and two grandchildren went on a ten day family vacation to Texas. There is great joy in having loving relationships with one’s family. 

What I have learned over these many years of being a mother is that relationships and strong character matter more than academics.

That may sound odd coming from a teacher and a tutor, especially one who homeschooled her kids from kindergarten through high school. Wait, aren’t we supposed to focus on academics so that our children can succeed in the world?  I am the first to admit that knowledge and strong skills open doors for students who have worked hard to acquire those abilities. 

And yet… isn’t it much harder for children to really succeed in the world if they do not have the character and relationships that come from a strong family culture?

I have been getting together with old friends recently, and it is interesting to hear their perspective on my family that they got while watching our children grow up. Here is what I have heard from a few longtime friends who spent years observing my family.

My husband and our eldest daughter
“Your family always had grace and joy.” “Your family always had fun.” “All the kids always wanted to be at your house.” “Your kids were always welcomed wherever they went.”

As I look back, it is surprising that my husband and I were able to build the family that we did. Neither one of us had an ideal upbringing, and as a child of divorced parents and a broken family, I had few tools to build the supportive and character focused culture I wanted to create with my own family. 
Our three kids
I read many books as I tried to build a family culture of laughter, encouragement and forgiveness, and one book that helped with that is Families Where Grace is in Place. The author discusses the importance of training and empowering our kids and not controlling them through shame and manipulation. My bookcase is full of books like this and include: Siblings Without Rivalry, Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-indulgent World, The Family that Works Together… Turning Family Chores for Drudgery to Fun, How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, and so many more. Building a strong family is not something that comes naturally to most of us, and it is important to get help from books and mentors. 
I have been teaching, parenting and tutoring for over thirty years. Many people think that the sole aim of my tutoring service is to teach academics to students. Although teaching those specific facts to students is what I do to help them succeed and build confidence and have a chance for the future they envision for themselves, my wider goal is to help families grow strong by taking over the accountability and academic responsibilities with the student so the parent can focus more time on nurturing a loving family culture. It takes time and effort to build a joyful family that lasts. 
I started making a list of the many things I learned through the years on how to build a strong family, and my list is filled with over twenty key ideas, and the list continues to grow as I reminisce over the past thirty years. I chose three to include in this blog with an idea that I might put it all down in a book someday. Here are some things we did to build our family. 
Making every effort to eat my daughter's homemade EXTRA crispy cookies
A homemade meal at a vacation cabin
1. Eat Meals Together – This one is first because when I asked my three kids what were the most significant parts of their childhood, this was number one for all of them. Dinner was the most important event of the day at our house. It was a chance to discuss what was learned that day, evaluate national and world news events, make plans for future activities and discuss dreams and desires.
I always cooked a big meal, and dinner was a leisurely event where everyone had a chance to share their stories. 

 2. Have Fun Together:  I love parties and travel and games and outdoor adventures and…. Well, I like to have fun. I also like to feed people, and that played into all the kids wanting to be at our house all the time. There were always fruit smoothies and homemade oatmeal cookies for snacks, and dinner was on the stove for whoever wanted to stay.

​And part of having fun includes creating new memories and new traditions. We read a book entitled Walk When the Moon is Full, so we started taking monthly night hikes during the full moon. We created a lot of interesting memories together and had fun.

3. Work Together: Kids need to feel important to the running of a family. Kids need chores. Our family dishes have always been kept in the lower cabinet next to the dish washer. From the time they were each four years old, all three of my kids were in charge of unloading the dishwasher. I would first take out the sharp knives and the few items that were stored above where the kids could reach, and
Laughing and goofing around on a family outing.
then they could unload the dishwasher. With unbreakable dishes and a little help, all young kids can unload the dishwasher, set the table, and sweep up the crumbs after a meal. The Harvard Grant Study found that there are two things that people need to be happy and successful: Love and work ethic. And the consensus is that the best way to develop work ethic is by doing chores as a child. 
Loving the family goats
Feeding the family goats
As a side note – although you might think that having kids doing chores saves you, as the parent, time and energy, it doesn’t. It is important that parents work alongside of their kids, teaching, checking, and reteaching. It is always faster and easier to do the chores yourself, but it is better to take the time so your child learns to do each chore well. (eventually!)

So, as Thanksgiving approaches and we begin to count our many blessings, the thing I am most thankful for is my family, and the most important thing I have learned over all these years is that relationships and strong character matter the most. And what you get to keep (if you are fortunate) when your beloved child finally grows up and moves away are memories of happy times and a lasting and fulfilling long term relationship with your adult child.

My advice – don’t sacrifice your relationship with your child in pursuit of the perfect college or the most prestigious job. Even better than those two goals is having children who can’t wait to spend time with you and who want to come home for the holidays.

Wishing you joy on the journey,
Debra Newby


P.S. Here are some other ideas: Learn together, Have Systems, Build Habits, Teach Finances, Say please and thank you, Read a lot, Resolve conflict early, Actively listen….the list goes on. I might write a book about all this…. Someday. 

<![CDATA[How Can Students Work Smarter and Be More Productive With Their Time? (And What Are Ten Ways to Help Students Learn and Retain Knowledge?)]]>Tue, 01 Oct 2019 07:00:00 GMThttps://www.upandovered.com/blog/how-can-students-work-smarter-and-be-more-productive-with-their-time-and-what-are-ten-ways-to-help-students-learn-and-retain-knowledge
Learning is hard work – for all of us. And each of us will spend our lifetimes learning new skills and ideas. If students in their teens can learn effective and efficient ways to learn, they will have an ability that will benefit them for the rest of their lives. 

My friend Jim, a commercial pilot and the father of three adult children, was visiting this week, and he had just finished

the training to fly a new model of aircraft. He had a lot of memorization to do, and one of the ways he accomplished this was to organize his notes and use those notes to form a question and answer sequence. He then videotaped himself asking each of the questions, then pausing, and then answering the question. He watched his homemade video over and over again until he could say the answer to each question before the answer was said on the video. 

Did that take a lot of time and a lot of work? Yes! Did he pass his new pilot's test? Yes! Is he now flying to exotic places all over the world? Yes he is. 
Having strong skills and a wide breadth of knowledge can lead to many adventures, and people will pay you for what you know and what you can do. I often tell my tutoring students that their life is like a treasure chest, and what is inside is up to them. Each time they work hard to learn something new, they have added to their own treasure chest of knowledge, and they will be able to use that knowledge in the future.

But developing effective study skills requires a lot of time and patience, and just reading textbooks and listening to lectures is not enough.

Here are some practical ways to help students learn and retain knowledge.

1. Exercise Before and In-between: Getting the blood pumping and moving to the brain can help a study session be much more productive. Jim, the airline pilot mentioned earlier, would do push-ups in between his study sessions to help wake himself up and increase his ability to focus. Standing while studying can help too. Although there are fancy (and expensive!) stand-up desk options, I created my own stand-up desk with a simple side table from Ikea, two shelf brackets, two screws and a shelf from Home Depot – all for under $20. (See the photo at the end of this blog.) My work day usually begins at 9 am and goes to 6 pm. I spend many hours sitting (as I think many of us do!), and before I see my first client, I usually exercise for forty-five minutes which helps keep me focused throughout the day. 

2. Eat Well and Breath: Health is an important part of good study habits, and good nutrition and reducing stress are critical. I thought about writing a blog entitled, “Is My Child A Fat Head?” because the answer to that would be yes – in a biological way. The brain is made of 60% fat, and eating a diet full of good fats and proteins in addition to healthy carbs can make a difference. Many students subsist on junk food, but switching to a healthy diet and learning to relax and breath between study sessions makes studying easier and more productive.

3. Understand the Study Cycle: According to Frank Christ, the developer of The Study Cycle Theory, the process of studying can be broken down into five parts: previewing, attending class, reviewing, studying, and checking your understanding. Many students miss key components of The Study Cycle. For example, few students read the material ahead of time before the lecture, but when students preview the material, they create places in their brain where they can hang the new information they learn in the lecture. Also, by skipping the reading preview, they miss the benefit of having the information repeated to the in a listening mode after experiencing the material in a reading mode. All five components of The Study Cycle are required for solid learning.
4. Review Daily: Scientists have found that the first time a student hears a lecture or studies something new, he or she will retain up to 80% of the information IF the material is reviewed within 24 hours. Interestingly, the effect is cumulative, so if students review every day, after a week the student may retain a full 100% of the knowledge after only five minutes of review. This works so much better than cramming on the last day for the test. It is better to review close to the time that the material is learned as opposed to close to the time of the test. 

​5. Write and Draw it Out: Often students will finish a week of school with a three-ring binder crammed with notes. What the student really needs from these notes are the key ideas, so time spent underlining or highlighting key words can help. Also, rewriting these key ideas on another sheet of paper in a condensed form (and perhaps as an outline) will help the brain connect information and form patterns.

Making connections is what learning is all about, and for some students drawing out mind maps, 
charts, and story webs can help. When I was tutoring my son who was taking a community college history class, I would help him go through his copious notes, and I would draw out mind maps for him so he could see the connection between the many facts he was learning. 
(As a quick side rant – many students cannot take notes and listen/learn at the same time. It is so helpful if a teacher gives the students pre-printed notes so they can follow along and engage in the class. If your student is in a class where they are struggling to take notes, suggest he or she ask the teacher if the notes can be given out in printed form instead of just being shown on the board.)
​6. Talk It Out: If a person cannot recite out loud the information that was learned, that person does not know the material. It is important to close the book and use active recall to tell someone else what you know. This person can be a tutor or study partner, or students can even make a video of themselves on their own to view later. Having to teach someone something also reinforces the brain’s grasp of the information, especially if you can simplify the knowledge down so that even a child could understand.

Talking to teachers helps too. They are there to help, and after discussing questions with an instructor, students often find that the teacher was able to give more clarity than would have happened in a class situation. Teachers also are more enthused to help students who take the initiative to ask for help, and having a strong connection with one’s teacher is beneficial in many ways. 
7. Take Practice Tests: Students who are preparing for the ACT or SAT test are used to taking many practice tests to get ready for the college entrance exams. Students in regular classes can ask teachers to make old exams available as practice tests. A practice test can give students a sense of an instructor’s testing style and how the information might be presented on the exam day. 
A 2011 study found that students who took a practice test after learning the material retained 50% more of the information a week later than the students who did not take a practice test.

8. Study in Short Bursts: High Intensity Interval Training – Hiit - is popular for those seeking physical fitness. Studies have shown that short bursts of intense studying for 30 to 45 minutes followed by a 10 to 15 minute break can more effective for learning as well.

9. Eliminate Distractions: Research indicates that multi-tasking does not improve efficiency and actually has a negative effect on results. Students need to eliminate distractions such as social media, game playing, web browsing, texting because they increase the amount of time needed to study and decrease the amount of material learned.
The only “distraction” that has been shown to help some students is listening to classical music. Not all students benefit from listening to music, but when choosing music, instrumental music has a better effect that music with words.

10. Get Organized: Antoine de Saint-Expery said, “A goal without a plan is just a wish.” All ten of these learning ideas take work to plan. A planning calendar is a help for many 

This is my standing desk made with an IKEA side table & small shelf.
students, but parents must always keep in mind that a student may need more help in planning than they think because many students have a limited executive brain function before they are in their twenties. Organizing a study space, class notebook and study times can be a challenge, but it is so very important, and sometimes students need help with this.

A treasure chest of life that is full of knowledge, skills and experiences gathered in the teen years can be used and enjoyed for a lifetime. It does take extra planning, commitment and self-discipline to make that happen. Following the ten tips above can help!


Wishing you joy on the journey,
Debra Newby
<![CDATA[Are Online Classes the Right Choice for My Child? (And What Does This Have to do With A Flipped Classroom?)]]>Sun, 01 Sep 2019 07:00:00 GMThttps://www.upandovered.com/blog/are-online-classes-the-right-choice-for-my-child-and-what-does-this-have-to-do-with-a-flipped-classroom
There is a world of new educational options available today, and many students are beginning to take more of their courses online instead of in a classroom setting. While online classes allow a student to work on their own time schedule and skip the commute to school and from class to class, many parents are finding that their kids – 
– especially junior high and high school students – are struggling. 

Three of the biggest problems with online classes are:

1. More Time and More Work:

​Online courses typically require more assignments and a lot more reading than traditional classes. This may be particularly difficult for students whose learning modalities do not favor visual learning and who do not retain what they read very well. And because there is no in-person instructor to assess the completion of learning goals, students have to do more to prove they have mastered the material. Many courses require at least ten hours a week of work, with some requiring even more. 

2. Intense Requirement for Self-discipline:

​As I mentioned in an early blog about late bloomers, the brains of many students in their teens do not have a fully developed executive function, and they often lack the ability to manage their time and organized their assignments. 
They often cannot figure out how to allot the appropriate amount of time to complete each task. Teens also tend toward procrastination, and they need an accountability partner, either from a parent or an outside source. 

3. Little to No Face-to-face Interaction:

Studying online is lonely. Sometimes there are instructors and other students in online classes, but building relationships with them is difficult. Students – especially those who are auditory learners who learn best through discussion – need someone to talk to about the concepts they are learning. Again, these students need more help with their online classes.

The other issue is that students often cannot complete the given assignments because they have past gaps in their knowledge, and the online courses do not (and cannot) address those issues. Again, these students need more in-person help to fill in the gaps.

What Can Be Done?

Salman Kahn, the innovator behind the Kahn Academy, has written a book called The One World School House where he discusses the concept of a “Flipped Classroom.” The premise is that students do their introductory “lecture” learning online, but then work with an instructor to do problem solving and discussion in person.

I was on the Cuesta College Campus this week and walked by the learning center where they offer tutoring. The reason colleges have tutoring centers on campus is because learning through lectures is not enough.

When a student goes to tutoring, they are basically experiencing a “Flipped Classroom” model. 

The student may have listened to a lecture in person at a traditional school, or they may have watched some videos and read some online material in a computer based course, but either way, they have had an initial introduction to the information. The second step is to work through problem solving assignments with a teacher who can give instant feedback – something students need to be able to master the material.

In online courses, students sometimes find that they have worked really hard – going the wrong direction – and then need to start over. This wastes time, energy and motivation leading to discouragement. With someone guiding the class for the student, these frustrations can be minimized. 

The courses with the greatest challenges have to do with math because neither the online program nor the student can realize when a student is having a problem with a math gap from a long past math concept such as multiplying with a reciprocal when dividing fractions. The student continues to miss the answers to problems, and the computer course cannot help. 

Parents can definitely fill the role of teacher and mentor to their children, but often parents are busy working and keeping the household going, and they just do not have the time. Also, when it comes to teenage sons, these young men are ready to make a break from mom in particular, and she usually is not the best person to be an educational accountability partner at this stage of parenting. 
We all want to provide the very best education for our children, and online courses can play an important part in that process. However, it is important to realize that with the benefits of flexibility and reduced commutes come the challenges of time management, self-discipline and the need for in-person feedback. Tutoring can help.

Wishing you joy on the journey,
Debra Newby

Debra Newby is a credential teacher in biology and chemistry, an academic tutor, a life coach and a parent mentor on California’s Central Coast. If you would like more information on the ways she can help you navigate the adventure of raising children, please contact her at info@UpandOverED.com

<![CDATA[How Can My Child Make A Fresh Start in This New School Year?            (And How Can Parents Help?)]]>Thu, 01 Aug 2019 07:00:00 GMThttps://www.upandovered.com/blog/how-can-my-child-make-a-fresh-start-in-this-new-school-year-and-how-can-parents-help
A new school year is about to begin! After thirty years of parenting, homeschooling and tutoring, I still feel like the year actually begins when school is back in session. It is a time to switch gears, form new habits and aim for changes that lead to successfully reaching goals.

But how?

This summer, I read the book Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard by Chip and Dan Heath. The authors present ideas that can be applied to students in school as well. 
The premise of their book is that our decision making is controlled by both rational side and our emotional side, and we need tools to be able to appeal to both sides to make changes.

Jonathan Haidt, author of The Happiness Hypothesis explains it this way. He says that our emotional side is an Elephant and our rational side is the Elephant’s Rider. The Rider seems to be the one in control since the Rider holds the reins. But the Elephant is much larger, and when the Rider and Elephant do not agree on which direction to go, the emotional-side Elephant is going to win.
While the Rider is the long-term thinker who is in charge of planning and direction, the Elephant is source of love, loyalty, sympathy and compassion. But the elephant is also the one who wants immediate gratification, and when there is a choice between an ice cream today or better health next month, the Elephant will choose the ice cream every time.
So it is important to help both the rational mind “Rider” and the emotional mind “Elephant.”

Here are ways to help your student’s Rider:

1. Provide Clarity: Sometimes when a student cannot complete an assignment, it is because the Rider does not know exactly where it is supposed to go. Students can check with their teacher or fellow students to make sure they correctly understand the expectations. A parent or tutor can also help clarify concepts and academic material.

2. Limit the Number of Decisions a Student Needs to Make: Self-control is a limited resource, and when a student is tired and 
overwhelmed, the Rider does not have much of a chance to change to the Elephant’s direction. (And that Elephant does not want to do the difficult homework assignment.)

3. Look for Bright Spots: Discover what is working and help the student focus on more of that. Usually when a parent sees a report card that says their child earned four “A”’s and one “F”, the parent spends most of the discussion time on the “F.” But an interesting twist would be to explore what the student did to make the “A”’s possible and encourage them to figure out how to replicate that in other classes.

4. Create a Destination Postcard: Make a mental and verbal picture of what the end goal will be. Standing here a year from now, what do you want to have accomplished? What kind of person will you have become? What new skills will you have acquired? Get a picture of that now, and then head in that direction.

5. Script Moves: Have a steady habit of times and places where achieving goals can happen. A designated desk where school work it done and a certain time slot every day that is set aside to complete that work can help.

The Elephant needs help too.

1. Find the Feeling: The Elephant may know that getting good grades is a logical thing to do, but it means a lot more if a student can connect their feelings and identity to what they do in school. If they ask themselves questions like “What kind of person am I?” and answer that with, “I am a 
hard worker” and “I am dependable” and “I get things done,” then the good grades can follow.

2. Shrink the Change: Baby steps are important. Big changes come from a succession of small changes.

3. Catch Them Being Good: Praising for good work has more power than yelling at them for bad.

The last thing the authors of Switch recommend is to provide ways to “Shape the Path.”

1. Change the Environment: Not all students can study at home. (Libraries and other quiet places may work better.) Not all school situations are right for all students. (There are a lot of school options available.) You can make changes to your student’s physical environment that makes it more possible for them to succeed.

2. Build New Habits: It is debatable whether or not it takes twenty-one days to form a new 
habit, but doing something consistently for twenty-one days is a good place to start. A key component in forming a new habit is to have an accountability partner. 

3. Remove Friction: The more a parent can smooth out the learning process, the easier it is for a student to succeed. Sometimes this means getting extra help for the student.

4: Put Up Signs That Say You Are Close: Celebrate Baby Steps! Have a party or a dinner out when your student forms a new habit or accomplishes a new goal. When I tutor, I sometimes create checklist charts so that students can see the progress they are making day by day and week by week. Just seeing that there is progress being made can be inspiring. (Remember opening the little doors on an advent calendar when you were a kid? It was exciting to see how much closer you were getting to the goal of Christmas!) 

Change is hard. For all of us – students and parents alike - it is a battle between our rational mind and our emotional mind. But coming up with a concrete plan and understanding that we need to feel the importance of making changes can make a difference.

In the end, you need to show the Rider where to head and the Elephant why it is worthwhile.

Wishing you joy on the journey,
Debra Newby

P.S. I highly recommend Switch as a book for everyone who is trying to make positive changes in life or in the lives of their families. The book is full of interesting stories and examples on how to make changes so you can switch directions in your life.


<![CDATA[Should My Teen Take a Gap Year? (If So, To Do What?)]]>Mon, 01 Jul 2019 07:00:00 GMThttps://www.upandovered.com/blog/should-my-teen-take-a-gap-year-if-so-to-do-what
It is summer time, and families are taking a break from their busy school-year schedules to try some new activities, visit new places and build stronger relationships. These benefits can be had by students who take a “gap year” too. A gap year is usually thought of as a year-long break between high school and college, but there are other ways to have a gap year experience. In this blog, I will share with you my gap year adventures and what I learned as well as a list of gap year options for your students. 
As I mentioned in my blog last month about Late Bloomers, students mature at different rates, and for many students, the prefrontal cortex in the frontal lobe of the brain does not fully mature until they are  in their twenties. This part of the brain is responsible for executive function which includes organizing, planning, and problem solving, and these abilities are pretty important for college success. Giving the brain a little more time to mature might be helpful for some students. College also requires navigating a widening array of relationships with new peers (perhaps from unfamiliar cultures), complicated schedules, and instructors who allow a lot more freedom (and often less structure and help) than high school teachers. Skills needed to traverse this new landscape can be acquired during a gap year. 
My Japan Adventures! From left to right: 1) I am in the front in my Yukata (cotton kimono) that I still wear sometimes,     2) In a straw hat  (on right), and in a borrowed silk kimono (on left), and teaching the executives at a brake company..
My gap year experience allowed me to become more independent and self-confident, learn about new cultures and build relationships with people very different than myself.

Although I didn’t realize it at the time, my gap year preparation began during the summer between my sophomore and junior year when I was a Rotary Club summer exchange student to Japan. The trip was an emersion in a culture vastly different than my own yet with people who had the core characteristics of kindness and generosity that were comfortingly familiar. 

​During my senior year of high school, I was asked to go back to Japan to teach English at a Christian high school along with another American woman who was already there. In preparation for a move to Japan for six months, I took a Japanese language class at the local community college at night while attending high school during the day. A week after graduation at seventeen years old, I got on a plane and flew to Tokyo and then took a three hour train ride north to Fukushima. The adventures I had could fill many pages, but the main things I learned are 1) I can communicate with people, even when I don’t speak the language well because people are willing to help and use hand gestures if that is what it takes. All people want to be understood. 2) I can climb mountains and hike through caves (even at Mt. Fuji!), ask for directions (sometimes clumsily in Japanese) and find my way, even when the going gets tough. 3) Baking American style chocolate chip cookies with students while they teach me how to make origami cranes (which I can still make, by the way) is a wonderful way to share individual cultures and make new friends. 
My Africa Adventures! 1) With my uncle next to the plane we flew from Missouri to Africa 2) At a school in
Soweto, South Africa 3) In my waitress garb, 4) At a picnic with South African friends.
After six months, I headed back home and completed two semesters at a community college and then I took off again for six months for the second half of my “gap year.” This time, I flew in a two-seater Beechcraft airplane with my uncle from Joplin, Missouri to Johannesburg, South Africa. The trip took seven days with day-long stops along the way in the Canary Islands, The Ivory Coast, Gabon and Namibia. Upon reaching Johannesburg, a business associate of my uncle invited me to stay with his family, and I got a job downtown as a waitress. This was at a time when there was apartheid, segregated townships, and separate buses for different races. I learned 1) Even when you don’t agree with government policy, you can still help children in need by traveling to where they are and helping to improve their schools 2) Sometimes strangers sitting at a restaurant table are just good friends you haven’t met yet 3) Working together as a team (even when all the team members are from different countries) makes a project easier for everyone, and it is more fun. 
Not all gap years are the same. While my gap year involved a lot of travel as well as working as a teacher and a waitress, my son took a break from school for two years to work at his full time career. After getting an A.A. in Business and an A.S. in Automotive Technology, he worked as an auto tech for two years, learning his craft and saving his money. He then went back to school and got his B.S. in Automotive Management and graduated debt free. 

Gap years are growing in popularity in the U.S. and are already common in the UK where approximately 200,000 students delay going to college for a year. A number of American universities, including Harvard, are encouraging incoming freshman to take a gap

year. Many schools are willing to defer enrollment for students, and some even have financial aid available to fund gap years.
Ten Things to Do During a Gap Year:

1. Take a Break and Get Healthy: A break from academics can help a student feel energized to start school again when he or she returns.  Twelve years is a long time to keep the same school schedule, and a break can allow students to improve their health by getting more sleep, and taking time to exercise, and learning to eat well.

2. Become More Independent: Most high school seniors have spent the last four years with the same set of peers, dependent on detailed daily instruction from teachers with an ever present family safety net. Trying something new or going someplace you have never been before - all on your own - will teach you to trust yourself which builds self-confidence. 
3. Spend Time with Family: This may seem to be the opposite of point number two, but your family will be your family all of your life. Perhaps by spending some extra quality time with parents, siblings or elderly grandparents, you will learn things about them that you never knew before. You might even consider doing some kind of volunteer work with one of your parents or a sibling. You’ll help your community and get to bond with your family too.

4. Learn Adult Skills: Some students graduate without the ability to balance a checkbook, cook a meal or run a load of laundry. Working on these skills can make the transition to living on one’s own much easier.

5. Do an Internship: Perhaps you are interested in science and have the opportunity to go on a research trip. Maybe you sing and dance and can get to a part in a play on Broadway. There a lots of websites with intern options in business, marketing, hospitality, agriculture, travel, education and more.

 6. Build a Portfolio: If you have a dream career in mind that requires a portfolio—and you don’t have one – a gap year is a good time to build one. Careers that require a portfolio include: Writing, Graphic Design, Artist, Website design, Photography, and Modeling.

7. Earn Some Money: College is expensive, and having some extra cash on hand can help reduce the amount of student debt needed to go to school. (The issue of student debt could be a whole other blog.) In addition, you will learn work skills such as being on time, getting along with other employees, communicating with customers, and having a positive attitude – all skills that are sought after by most employers. Or – you could become an entrepreneur and start you own business! (Again – another topic for another blog.)

8. Travel: There is a whole world out there with a variety of cultures and new experiences just waiting for those who are willing to make the effort to go. Travel can be expensive, but there are ways to be frugal with your travel dollars. Some countries have farm stays where you work for part of the day on the farm and get the rest of the day to tour around. You can even choose to pick fruit in Australia. I helped fund my travel to Japan by teaching English both at a high school during the day and, in the evening, to executives at a brake manufacturing company. I have met students who have worked at resorts, national parks and even cruise ships where their room and board is paid for along with a pay check and a chance to see new places.

9. Volunteer: There are so many places that could use extra help, both at home and abroad. In addition to helping out, you could also get career training. Perhaps you want to work as a lawyer or doctor or vet someday. You can volunteer at a law office, hospital or vet clinic and learn whether or not the career you think you want is the right one for you. And volunteer jobs can sometimes lead to paying jobs. (I worked as a physical therapy aide while I was in college. I got the job by volunteering first.)

10. Think and Figure Out What You Want to Do: Not all students graduate from high school with a clear idea of what they would like to do with their life. A gap year gives a student more time and more experiences which can help them figure out what they are best suited to do in life. This clarity can translate into a smoother college experience and a more accurate choice of majors.
Choosing whether or not to take a gap year is a big decision, and it takes time as students study the options and discusses these plans with their families. For me, my gap year experiences were some of the most important of my life.

During a gap year, you may not be in a school setting, but you will be surprised by all you learn!

Wishing you joy on the journey,
Debra Newby


<![CDATA[Is My Child a Late Bloomer? (If So, What Can I Do to Help?)]]>Sat, 01 Jun 2019 07:00:00 GMThttps://www.upandovered.com/blog/is-my-child-a-late-bloomer-if-so-what-can-i-do-to-help
We live in a world obsessed with early achievement. We read articles in Forbes and Times about the “Top 30 under 30” super achievers. We applaud seventeen year old Malala Yousafzai, the youngest Nobel Prize winner.  We are awed by young tech founders like Mark Zuckerberg of Facebook and Evan Spiegel of Snapchat. Parents pay $20,000 to $40,000 a year for 
​full immersion second language courses and rigorous academic curriculums – for their preschoolers. 

There is nothing inherently wrong with early success. But my concern is that because everyone learns and grows at different rates, with the societal emphasis on early achievement, we leave behind a large group of children who just need more time to bloom. Many of these late blooming students lose hope, and we have to ask ourselves – what can we do?
I am the mother of a late bloomer. My son did not talk until he was two years old, and he did not read or write until he was ten. He was your classic (and normal) hyperactive boy with dyslexia. I was parenting and homeschooling this young child over twenty years ago, and part of what gave me patience to wait for my son to bloom on his own time schedule was reading the book Better Late than Early by Dr. Raymond Moore. 
Moore’s research proposed that children are not psychologically ready for formal learning until ages eight to ten, and he suggested waiting for formal study until students had the maturity and logic skills necessary so they did not become frustrated and discouraged from trying to handle material they were simply not ready to understand. 

But just because my son couldn’t read did not mean he was not exposed to books. As a family, we read out loud every night. We started with picture books, but soon we were reading the Little House on the Prairie series (all of them) the Chronical of Narnia series (all of them), plus other classics like the Hobbit and Treasure Island. My son built things, put things together and took them apart, cooked, gardened, helped his Dad at work and was learning all the time. He enjoyed fixing things and was often tightening screws, looking at the plumbing under the sink and helping his dad work on motorcycle engines. He was learning to love learning, he was gaining skills, and he was laying the ground work so that when the time came, he would be ready to bloom.

​According to Rich Karlgaard, author of Late Bloomers: The Power of Patience in a World Obsessed with Early Achievement, “a late bloomer is a person who fulfills their potential later than expected; they often have talents that aren’t visible to others initially.  The key word here is expected. And they fulfill their potential frequently in novel and unexpected ways, surprising even those closest to them.”
He goes on to say, “Think about a starting point for a late bloomer. In all probability, his or her talents and passions were overlooked by a culture and educational system that measures for a cruelly narrow range of skills. It closed off the person’s paths of discovery and encouragement and potential. It did not open the doors to a successful future for them because it didn’t even see them.”

As a tutor, I work with a lot of these unseen students, and it is heartbreaking to hear and see the discouragement and lack of hope many of them suffer. One of the challenges for many students is that the prefrontal cortex in the frontal lobe of the brain is the last part of the brain to fully develop, and this often does not happen until an adult is in his or her mid-twenties. This part of the brain is responsible for executive function with includes: organizing, planning, problem solving, memory recall and attention allocation. Executive function has nothing to do with talent, IQ or potential, but without it, it becomes difficult for a person to fully bloom.

Is there hope? Yes!

Here are Nine Ways You Can Help Late Bloomer Students:

1. Help with tasks that require executive function.
While waiting for a child to fully bloom, parents and others can step in and assist with tasks that require executive function until a youth is ready to take on more of those activities his or herself. With my son, I coached and tutored him through high school, and when he started at Cuesta College, I helped him with time management and planning his classes, and I tutored him through many of the classes as well by helping him organize his class notes in a way that he could learn the information. This allowed him to continue to gain skills that he could not have done without help. He slowly acquired basic writing skills, the ability to understand math patterns, and knowledge of history, art, science and economics through his high school and college classes. These skills would provide pivotal when the time came when he did bloom.

2. Help your child to keep learning.
Many students have difficulty in loud and distracting classroom environments. They may need a parent or another person to reteach material they missed in class. Other students have difficulty reading, and they may need material summarized or outlined for them so they can better organize the material in their brains. Some students process by talking and need a listening ear so they can talk over the material they are learning. It is important that late bloomers keep learning.
3. Look for a new situation if the current one is not working.
Susan Cain, author of Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop, says, “Hardy people bloom in any pots, others will only bloom in certain pots.”

My eldest daughter is extremely introverted and would have really struggled in a classroom setting. Homeschooling was the right choice and “right pot” for her.

 Karlgaard suggests, “Quit when something is not working…For every moment we double down on something that’s not working, we are forgoing other potentially valuable opportunities… the real waste is not sacrificing our past by quitting a failing endeavor. It is sacrificing our future by not pursuing something better.”

4. Use words that empower them and build confidence
It is more helpful to say, “This is hard, but you can figure this out” than to say, “This isn’t hard. Why can’t you do this?” Words do matter. I often say to my tutoring students, “You can do this, and I will show you how.”

5. Find a purpose for what they are learning.
When my math students ask me why they are studying algebra, I sometimes respond with a question asking if they want to plan a big project (like a wedding) someday. Most say yes. I then explain that a big event involves taking a big idea and breaking it into a lot of small pieces (like guests, food, location, music), working on each one separately and then putting it all back together into a satisfying whole. I then explain that the thinking skills needed for that are exactly the ones we use when we study algebra. Algebra teaches us to think! If students find a good reason for learning, then they will try harder and focus more on the task.
6 Make sure they get enough sleep and exercise.
Sleep allows the brain to reset the brain connections that are important for memory and learning. Many students are chronically sleep deprived, and this has a detrimental effect on their ability to learn. Cardiovascular exercise is important, too, and boosts the oxygen supply to the brain and increases brain volume. 

7. Reduce Stress
In the past fifteen years, depression has doubled and suicide rates have tripled among American college students. The American College Health Association found that 54 percent of college students said they had felt overwhelming anxiety in the previous twelve 

months. Stress has a real impact on a student’s brain and health. Having quiet time, a manageable work load and time out in nature can help.

8. Limit or eliminate social media
Social media has been shown to increase stress and depression in teens as they compare themselves to what they think are their friends’ perfect lives. The time can be better spent building their own unique skills and using their own creativity.

9. Let kids (and teens!) play for fun
It used to be that you could just enjoy a game of pick up baseball with friends in your neighborhood cul-de-sac, but now kids are being driven to team sports at earlier and earlier ages with parents who push and insist on great plays and winning games. Music, too, has become a stress with some students wondering if they should keep playing their instrument if they can’t be first chair in the youth orchestra group. A lot of good things happen to the brain when kids are allowed to use their creativity and just play, and they build skills and patterns they will use later in life.

Are there benefits to being a late bloomer? Yes!

Rich Karlgaard lists several strengths of Late Bloomers:
1. Curiosity:  Late bloomers retain more of their youth curiosity. Early bloomers suppress childhood curiosity in favor of focus. A late bloomer in his or her mid-twenties now has the executive function to give that curiosity direction. The more curious one becomes, the more motivation one has, and motivation increases the desire to learn which increases curiosity.
2. Compassion: Late bloomers are often able to put themselves in someone else’s shoes because they have already walked a difficult road, and they are more likely to offer a helping hand.
3. Resilience: Late bloomers deal with more adversity and have been knocked down by life, and they find they come back stronger.They also have learned that when something fails, it often is just a chance for redirection towards something even better.

When my son finished Cuesta College with an A.S. in Automotive Technology, he got a job as an auto tech at a local automotive repair shop, and I heaved a sigh of relief. It had taken a lot of effort, but he had the skills he needed to support himself and a job where he was happy doing what he was good at. And then – when he turned twenty-four, his brain really, truly bloomed. He announced that he was going back to college, and within two years he had earned his Automotive Management Bachelor of Science Degree from Ferris State University. I was amazed to discover he was writing fifty page research papers without help. A few weeks after graduation, he accepted a position in the corporate division of a large auto manufacturer. He moved to another state, bought a house within a year and is now a product engineer traveling around the country and internationally problem solving and trouble shooting. He is doing what he loves and using skills he began developing during childhood. He has bloomed in ways I could never have imagined.

Had he not had the base skills from the tutoring he received, he could have not made the jump when his brain was finally ready to go. My encouragement to parents is to help your kids gain skills and knowledge along the way and provide executive function time-management and organizational assistance when they can’t do those things for themselves. Most of all, have patience and have hope.

Wishing you joy on the journey,
Debra Newby


<![CDATA[What is My Child’s Personality Type? (Or Deep Down, Who is This Child?)]]>Wed, 01 May 2019 07:00:00 GMThttps://www.upandovered.com/blog/what-is-my-childs-personality-type-or-deep-down-who-is-this-child
When my three kids were younger, we enjoyed doing personality and gifting tests to see if the tests matched what we knew about ourselves and each other. When we would go over the test results, we would usually say to each other, “OH! That makes sense. That’s why you do the things you do.” Knowing our personality types has allowed us to have a greater understanding of ourselves and our family members as we offer grace and acceptance when we differ in our thoughts and actions.

We read aloud to our kids in the evening even when they were in their teens because we wanted our family to be able to discuss the information we were learning while we were learning it. When it comes to understanding family members, one of the best books we read out loud to our kids was, The Gift of Dyslexia by Ronald D. Davis. Our middle child was dyslexic, and it bothered him that that he was such a late reader that his younger sister learned to read before he did. He considered his learning disabilities to be a disadvantage until we read The Gift of Dyslexia. When we finished the book, my dyslexic child’s siblings exclaimed, “That is so cool how you see the world!” They learned that those with dyslexia think and perceive multidimensionally, think in pictures instead of words and can utilize the brain’s ability to alter and create new perceptions.  
While one child was dyslexic, another one was introverted. A book that helped us all understand her better was The Introvert Advantage by Marti Olsen Laney. Reading that book allowed my introverted daughter to feel that she could accept herself and be grateful for her particular strengths and not feel like 
she had to act like the … well… the MUCH louder extroverted members of our family (of which I am one).

There are many books that can help us understand ourselves and others. Two of the first books we used when the kids were pretty young were Discover Your Child’s Learning Style by M. Willis and V.K. Hodson and Discover Your God Given Gifts by Don and Katie Fortune. Both of these books contain questionnaire-type tests that allowed us to learn even more about our natural abilities and learning styles. 
One test that our whole family took and one and that I recommend to the students who are doing career counseling with me is the Myers Briggs test. There are several free test options online, but the one I use is called 16 Personalities. The test asks questions that help individuals determine if they are:

1. Extroverted (Get energy from outside themselves) or Introverted (Energized by being alone)
2. Intuitive (Deal with ideas and live in future) or Sensing (Deal with facts and live in the now.)
3. Thinking (Follow their minds, facts and logic) or Feeling (Follow their hearts, feelings and impact on others.)
4. Judging (Decisive, attending to details, task oriented) or Perceiving (Relaxed, prefer freedom and flexibility)
The test results will link to job options and other useful information that fit the given personality type. A book that goes along with Myers Briggs personality types is Do What You Are by P.D Tiger.


This quote is especially important for the children in our society. Kids spend many hours and numerous years in school. For parents 
​whose children are in a school setting, knowing your child’s personality type can help you assist them in navigating the daily challenges of being in a situation that may not fit their personality type. According to Penelope Trunk, nearly all colleges and Fortune 500 companies use the
Myers Briggs score to help them understand what will make someone feel fulfilled and to find out how they approach relationships and ideas. But schools do not use the Myers Briggs test.

Ms. Trunk gives the reason why.  She states, “Myers Briggs is an incredibly effective tool to help people create a good life for themselves, but we don’t use it on kids. Why not? Here’s why. Because school caters to kids who score an ISTJ on the test. This is about 10% of all kids. This means that 90% of kids are not doing what is best for them by learning in school. But what would be the point of making this information widely known when there is nothing schools can do about it?” 
​A lot of parents are looking for alternative ways of educating their children, and knowing a child’s personality type can help with evaluating those options. For students in a school setting that they find challenging, they can still be successful, but they may need extra tools or tutoring to reach their goals.

According to Isabel Briggs Myers,

“Whatever the circumstances of your life, the understanding of type can make your perceptions clearer, your judgements sounder, and your life closer to your heart's desire.”

And isn’t this what we all long for? For a fun activity this weekend, consider gathering the family together and taking a Myers Briggs test and see what you can learn about yourselves and each other. Learning about our personality types was life changing for our family, and I hope that it will be for yours.

To know thyself is the beginning of wisdom.” Socrates

Wishing you joy on the journey,
Debra Newby


<![CDATA[Is My Child Lazy? (Or Does My Child Need an Accountability Partner?)]]>Mon, 01 Apr 2019 07:00:00 GMThttps://www.upandovered.com/blog/is-my-child-lazy-or-does-my-child-need-an-accountability-partner
Author Dr. Mel Levine has written a thought-provoking book which begins with the premise that no adult or child is inherently lazy. He states in The Myth of Laziness that everyone wants to succeed and accomplish their goals, and an inability to do so can often be linked to difficulty with various output tasks. He says that there are four common forms of organizational problems.
1. Managing Complex Tasks: For students, tasks such as studying for a final exam, writing a report, or initiating a new project involve assembling multiple components. Students who struggle with organizing the parts and putting them together often need help as they learn to stress the planning stage of each endeavor and break the project into small steps to make it more manageable. Also, having a clear vision of the final product can help.
2. Managing Time: The problem here comes from understanding how long a project will take, difficulty with multitasking, knowing what to do when, and procrastination.  Some students (and some adults, too!) need an “organization coach” – someone who can help with scheduling and meeting deadlines. 

3. Material Management: If a person’s room or office is a mess and they constantly lose important items and papers, they probably have difficulty with material management. Dr. Levine states that most of the worst material disasters happen at the critical transition points during the day as a person goes from one activity to the next. A helpful intervention would be to slow down at each transition (Leaving for school, going to music lessons, finishing homework etc.) and ask yourself questions such as, “Have I left anything behind?” or “Do I have what I need for the next activity?”
4. Prioritizing: Before a child is eleven or twelve, his life is arranged for him, and he does not have to make decisions on how best to use his time. But once he hits his teen years, he has the competing priorities of multiple teachers and classes, recreational activities, peer relationships and other obligations and responsibilities. With help and direction, a student can determine what is the most important and learn how to keep from wasting time or spending too much time on trivial pursuits.
Levine states that other trouble spots such as poor motor function, difficulty with language, memory difficulties, mental-energy (maintaining alertness) control or social distractibility can cause a child or adult to put forth a low level of output and “products” of poor quality. Having an accountability partner can help. 
Parents are a child’s first accountability partner, and when my kids were small, I remember taking poster board and creating colored pockets to hold index cards that listed each day’s studies and chores, and we posted this “accountability chart” on the refrigerator. When an activity was completed, my kids could move the labeled index cards from one pocket to another, and it was very clear what had gotten done that day. 
As they grew older, accountability charts transitioned into paper check lists in their school folders. (We homeschooled our kids from kindergarten through high school.) The list expanded to include more chores, exercise and extracurricular activities, but I still checked in with them every day (or every week when they were older) to help them make sure they were on track to meet their goals. My children are now grown, but as a tutor, I am able to help even more kids learn to manage their time, space and complex tasks.   

 Parental support is very important through the teen years and beyond, but as a youth gets older, an outside accountability partner can provide training that can make the move to adulthood easier while helping the parent/child relationship transition to a new level as well. 
Assessing the difficulties that students have with their various challenges and then helping them come up with and implement a plan to overcome these barriers is one of the rewarding aspects of the coaching and accountability partnering that I do when I am tutoring a student. 

Because students’ abilities to plan, time manage and prioritize are still developing, I often create accountability charts for them so they have a visual reminder of what needs to be accomplished, and so they can have the satisfaction of marking a task as completed when they finish one of their goals. Because I see the students that I tutor every week, I can visually check to see that their accountability charts are filled in and that they are completing the goals we have worked together to set for them. There is an old saying that is very true – “What gets measured gets 

​Sometimes parent ask me to hold their teens accountable to not only their studies, but to also check in with them to see that other activities such as chores and exercise activities are happening as well. We include these other activities on the accountability charts and discuss the best ways to make sure all these activities happen in a timely manner.
In addition to being an accountability partner for my tutoring students, I coach them on ways to build motivation and self-efficacy, and I give them tools to overcome test anxiety and processing speed deficits. Another important part of tutoring is assisting students in eliminating negative self-talk and cognitive errors while helping them build stronger internal processing abilities and new problem solving styles.
I also create these accountability charts for my life coach adult clients who often need help navigating the challenges of time management, material space organization and prioritizing too. I check in with them on a weekly or bimonthly basis, and it helps to keep them on track.
According to a Stanford University study done in 2013, virtually 100% of CEOs and business executives surveyed wanted life coaching assistance, but only 34% were actually getting it. If many highly successful CEOs of companies across the country depend on their coaches and accountability partners, it makes sense that having an accountability partner can help parents and their kids too.
In life and school, students may know exactly what they should do, but in the midst of so many competing priorities, sometimes they need some help getting the tasks organized and completed. But just because they need some help does not mean they are lazy.
Wishing you joy on the journey,
Debra Newby
