Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.

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Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.

Coworker: What?

Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.

Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.

Me: Yes.


If you love someone…
Bury them in your backyard so no one can find them. Then you’ll have them FOREVER!

*looks out window & smiles*


me: [getting murdered]

murderer: [murdering]

murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?

murderer: unbelievable


The only lie Republicans haven’t told about Obama is he’s white.


5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath


Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet


“Now that i’ve completed my teleportation device, the world and its wonders are mine to behold”

*Teleports to the nearest taco bell*


You never really realize how messed up your family is, until you start describing them to people that don’t know them.

