What if God was one of us?

Talking on the phone is one of my least favorite activities. I blame whomever invented text messages, because I can get my thoughts out much more succinctly and with less small talk. (Although if you’re familiar with my work, you know what else happens with me and text messages.) Just call me Gwen Stefani because I screen my phone calls on the regular. Occasionally, this habit translates to my work, and I will let a call or two go to voicemail if I’m particularly swamped (or if I can’t get the answer to 42-down in my crossword).

This happened the other day at work. Instead of answering a call, I continued diligently working. The voicemail got bumped from my mind until the following day. Having listened to it, I’m pretty sure I’m going to be the next Joan of Arc.
I’m not a religious person at all. But you tell me that hearing the first 30 seconds of this song on your voicemail wouldn’t make you think God is trying to talk to you.

Because that’s exactly what this voicemail was. No talking. No laughing. No explanation. Just 30 seconds of church music. The only reason I know what song it was is because I used Shazam on my iPhone to figure it out (Thank you, Apple!). But prior to rationally thinking about this, I freaked out a little, assuming that I’m being targeted by some fundamentalist religious sect attempting to convert me or something and this voicemail is their version of a brick through my window.

I would have immediately guessed my friend Allison is behind this, but no one has my work number, and having one of the most popular names in the history of the world makes googling me pretty much impossible.
After thinking about it a bit more, I’m 97% convinced this is my calling from the Big Man himself. Don’t lots of priests claim to have received a sign calling them to the service? And everyone knows Joan of Arc supposedly heard a voice from God urging her to aid France. Mind you, this is all before the age of technology, so that’s why Joan heard a disembodied voice and not a phonecall from the Lord. And if they can, then why can’t I? It’s not that far-fetched, especially when compared to peope who see Jesus in burritos or sidewalk stains or what have you. If Jesus is going to appear to someone in an X-ray or a food product, why can’t he also just pick up the phone?

I’m glad this call went to voicemail though, because had I received a call from God, and he was asking me to join some sort of cause. How can you say “Ehh I’d rather play Sudoku” to God? Responding to a relevation is pretty taxing, I feel. I mean look how it turned out for Joan of Arc. Sure, she’s a saint, but she was also burnt to death. That seems like a lot to ask. I don't have the energy to rally people. Public speaking? Eh. Though maybe I would get to carry a sword, which is kind of bad ass. And I'd definitely get famous for this, for being batshit crazy, if nothing else. So that's a plus. But considering how long it took me to get out of bed this morning, I just don't think I'm suited to the task at hand. Sorry, God, but I'm going to be screening your phone calls from here on out.


Sophie said...

When that song first came out I seriously thought she way saying "I SCREAM my phone calls." I was like dude Gwen, why would you scream no matter who calls? That's not very nice. But if God phoned me, I'd probably screen his calls too. It might be awkward if I screamed something at the Big Guy himself.

Kelly said...

Avoid going to any outdoor cookouts or BBQ's. It didn't work out well for Joan of Arc and it's not like she willing went there to be burnt alive at the stake. They probably lured her there will promises of yummy chicken and stEAk. All I am saying is trust no one and be careful. Also, hi Sara!

Julia said...

I'm a little weirded out now. I got the same voicemail a few weeks back and thought nothing of it, but now I'm curious. Maybe some religious nuts got hold of a mailing/call list?

emilyb said...

i think joan of arc only had visions from saint margaret and catherine, but if you got the phone call direct from god, you obviously win.

Chris said...

Sophie - Understandable. Gwen Stefani should have articulated better.

Kelly Gould (assuming that is your name) - Duly noted. I will cancel my upcoming BBQ for fear of immolation.

Julia - Seriously?! CREEPY! Why are we being targeted? I do not like.

emilyb - And I thank you. Joan of Arc has nothing on me....except, well sainthood.

Stiletto Sports Jen said...

I watched Evan Almighty! I know what happens when God starts asking you to do weird things for him like build an Ark. People think you are insane! And get really pissed off at you!

Definitely screen your calls from now on!

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