Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Am I enough?

I think that is the question that is plaguing me right now. We have been through a life changing experience, both from different perspectives. I am anxious for life to feel "normal" again just so I can breathe like normal again. He feels like he has wasted his life, not spent enough time with the kids, not spent enough time with me. He wants everything to change.

What if he decides that I was a waste of his time? What if I am not enough for him, not enough fun, not spontaneous enough, not enough anything? What if I can't adapt to how he wants life to be? I don't even know how he wants life to be. I feel like I have always worried that he will decide I am not worth it. Even before the cancer. He has worked hard with school and work, making it possible for me to be home with my kids. I consider this a gift. But I know it has been hard on him. And I guess deep inside I feel that I am not worth it and I am just waiting for him to figure that out. What if this is what leads to him figuring that out? Then what?

And yet part of me feels like I am being ridiculous. I know he loves me. The problem is me. And although I have tried to fix that for years, a solution eludes me.


Erin said...

Sweet girl! You are his world! He ADORES you! No matter what, he always will! Your marriage is strong and you will both be ok in the end! I love you!! You are AMAZING and Jack knows that!!! I hope that someday you will know that too!!