Monday, April 21, 2014

How to Fly With Small Children

That time I flew all by myself...with 3 little kids...and a giant bag of Doritos.

Do you have an upcoming vacation? Would you like to know how to successfully navigate through an airport and fly in peace with nicely mannered, well-behaved small children?

Great, me too! If you ever figure out how to accomplish this feat, please let me know!

In the meantime, here are some tips on...


1.) Take a few deep breaths and accept the travel hell into which you are entering. Take a second to remember the last time you were extremely relaxed. Maybe lounging poolside, sipping an umbrellaed drink while the sun warmed your skin? Now imagine the very exact opposite of that.

Don't even bother bringing a magazine. It will only sit in the side pocket of your tote for the whole journey, mocking you as you struggle to remove a half-chewed fruit snack from your hair. Take comfort in knowing that this will probably be the worst part of your entire trip. Until the return flight, that is.

2.) Dress your children in comfortable clothes. Your mission is to fly from point A to point B with as little complaining as possible. Whatever outfit makes them happy and comfortable is the outfit you want them to wear, even if that means they are dressed in full-out Batman gear.

Be aware, however, that travelling with a superhero does garner quite a bit of attention. Lots and lots and LOTS of strangers will talk to your child. When they ask him where he is headed, they will think it is quite funny when he answers "GOTHAM CITY!" in a deep, growly Batmanish voice. The TSA agents will give him special blue "Batgloves" and a flight attendant will take him to meet the pilot. "DON'T WORRY ABOUT ANYTHING," he will growl to the pilot, "BATMAN IS HERE!"

3.) Bring restraining devices. Remember that one time you were in the grocery store before you had kids and you noticed that frazzled mom dragging her child through the produce department on a (gasp!) leash and you said, "Ugh, I would NEVER put my child on a leash"? Now is the time to eat your words. Leashes, strollers, anything to keep your child from darting off to hide under the giant rack of souvenir t-shirts - they are now your friend. 
BONUS: If you attach the leashed child to the stroller, you don't even have to push!
4.) Bring lots of snacks. A good friend gave me the advice of bringing several baggies of snacks on the plane, but not just any snacks, snacks that the kids had never eaten before. Snacks are a good distraction in general, but new snacks take the excitement to a whole other level.

This was not an easy task, as my children have eaten a lot of snacks in their short lifetimes. After all, snacktime is their favorite meal of the day. After scouring the grocery aisles for snacks that were new, interesting and somewhat healthy, I was able to find some things that I hoped would peak their interest. 

Me: And this snack is called "dried mango slices"!

Kids: Um, what else?

Me: Ok, well these are fun, these are "macadamia nuts"!

Kids: What else?

Me: Organic snap pea crisps?

Kids: No.

Me: How about these animal crackers?

Kids: Those aren't crackers, those are COOKIES!!! We want the COOKIES!!!

Also, I discovered that if you are too tired to make a creative grocery store run at the end of your trip, you might be able to find a $6 package of Oreos and a large $57 bag of Doritos at an airport kiosk.

And those work just as well. 

5.) Go with the flow. Let's say that upon arriving to the gate, the airline informs you that the flight is overbooked and they are unable to find 3 seats together for you, your 4-year-old, your 2-year-old and your 1-year-old lap child. If this happens, do not stress. Do not yell. Do not angrily point out that the rowdy group of spring breakers may have been a better group to split up. You have already accepted the fact that you are in Travel Hell (see point 1) and things like this will inevitably happen in Travel Hell.

Just go with the flow and simply say, "I don't believe that is the best idea, but we can sure see how it works. Just have the flight attendants keep an eye on the two unsupervised little boys while their mom and baby sister read a magazine in the next row back."

Chances are that after a couple of loud skirmishes and a reprimand by a frantic flight attendant OVER THE LOUDSPEAKER during take-off, a row of three empty seats will MAGICALLY APPEAR for you. And also, they may bring you some free snacks to keep everyone happy and quiet. 

6.) Embrace the chaos. Things might not go smoothly. But who says a smooth flight is the goal, anyway?

If it were a smooth flight, my kids wouldn't have gotten to share their Doritos with the playful little boy in front of us.

They wouldn't have played a 20-minute game of peek-a-boo with Damien, the hip, dreadlocked college kid behind us, who let them listen to his hip rap music and even laughed when the baby chewed his earbuds.

If it were a smooth flight, an understanding flight attendant wouldn't have offered to take my baby for a walk around the cabin so a tired momma could get a bathroom break.

And if it were a smooth flight, it wouldn't have meant nearly as much to me when a blond woman approached and said Your children are delightful! And you're doing a great job too!

And I wouldn't have made a mental note to myself that if I ever do get the pleasure of a smooth flight again and I see a fellow momma struggling with spilt drinks, wiggly toddlers or playing a riveting game of "Who Pooped This Time?", I hope that I can be the one to lean over and say Your children are delightful! And you're doing a great job too! Would you like some Doritos?

(Also, I forgot how much I like Doritos.)

It was not a smooth flight. It was wonderfully bumpy and perfectly messy.

And I hope I don't have to do it again for a long, long time. 


  1. Anna, I laughed out loud at the restraining devices paragraph! I am guilty of saying I'd never put my kids on a leash, but now I'd be the first to strap my youngest to something in a big public place like Disney or an airport if I was ever traveling alone! You've got some great survival skills for traveling with 3 solo. I'm impressed!


  2. Oh I love this so much! Yes I second the motion that restraining devices are NOTHING to be ashamed of. Use them. Abuse them even. They are sanity savers. You're flight adventure was so entertaining haha. Probably not so much for you in the moment, but now we all get to enjoy it! My fellow blogging partner, Emily, will be traveling with her three kiddos here to visit us this summer. I'm going to have to share this with her so she can start to mentally prepare herself! I'm pinning this and sending it to her.

  3. They seriously tried to split you guys up?? That is insane. What was the flight attendant yelling over the loudspeaker?

    1. Oh, Jack just didn't quite understand that he was supposed to sit in his seat and actually STAY there. He kept getting up to tell me really important things like "I saw a boy wearing a dinosaur shirt!!" When he got out of his seat during take-off, the flight attendant got on the intercom and said "ALL PASSENGERS MUST REMAIN SEATED!! ALL PASSENGERS MUST REMAIN SEATED!!" except that unless you are announcing "THERE IS FREE CANDY IN THE COCKPIT!", no child is ever going to hear what is said over a loudspeaker.

  4. You are a brave, brave woman. Kuddos to you!!

    1. If by "brave" you mean "crazy", then yes, I am the bravest!

  5. This brought back memories. After traveling to Serbia and Russia with little ones...I can relate. I think I gave Lejla too much junk food once to keep her happy and she puked all over the front of my sweater. Benadryl is my best friend for long flights. I am difinitely buying a leash for our next trip, poor Lejla had nail marks in her hands from trying to escape me. Electronic devices are my 2nd best friend. But the icing on the cake was being harassed by a United ticket agent for 4 hours while they were fixing an error on my ticket. I took a video of the woman yelling at me and my children and am ready to sue them! I am amazed how many people dislike children while traveling. Like they never had any!

    1. BLESS YOU, SARAH. My flight was only an hour and a half, I couldn't even imagine flying to another continent! I know your husband is the Olympic athlete, but YOU definitely deserve a gold medal for that!!!

  6. this is just perfect. and makes me so happy all my kids are out diapers and can walk by themselves with out restraints. I just love you and your witty way of describing motherhood. I am glad we are friends!

    1. Just wait until I write about my snuggly, cuddly baby. Then your ovaries will start screaming again, heh heh heh!

  7. You are amazing Anna! Sorry the snacks didn't deliver :)

    1. No, YOU are amazing! Next time you'll also have to teach me how to get my kids to eat the snacks too. :)

  8. Oh what a story! You might be crazy but you're a great storyteller so it balances out. You'd better remind your kiddos of this when they're older. ;) I LOVE your blog! So glad I found it through the link up! :)

    1. Thanks, Kailey! Yes, that is why I started this document our crazy life with little people, because I'm afraid by the time they are older I won't have any brain cells left!!