A violation of ‘family viewing time’… a fundamental assault on the family and morality itself

If you’ve been reading this blog carefully and constantly[1] then you may be aware that my flatmate watches the soaps, and therefore, so do I. Well, when I say watch I mean laugh at. I’ve always been a half-fan of Coronation Street. Not enough to go out of my way to catch it, but if it’s on I don’t really object, it’s hilarious. But this post is not about the happy-go-lucky Corrie, oh no, but about that other soap. The dark and depressing Eastenders what with its drug addiction, death, depression and depravity[2]

Recently we’ve had the return of Phil and Grant[3] the infamous Mitchell Brother slap-heads. And, the writers have been smart enough to take the piss out of their characters just enough. I mean, they aren’t the scariest guys in the world are they? But they are the bad-boy rogues who love their mother, and they are audience pleasers, so that’s okay.

The plot line which say them return is one that stretches back monffs[4] so I won’t go into it all. It revolves around anuvver[5] bad guy, Johnny[6] Allen who has retreated to the countryside to detox with his only surviving family member, his dau’er Ruuuuuby[7]

And Ruby aint too happy about her old man being of the criminal persuasion. And in the course of last week’s episodes she gave out to him for murdering people. Which prompted him to launch into a speech, the like’s of which has never been seen before[8] on Soap TV. And which is the main reason for this entire post. Because, it was, without doubt, the funniest thing I’ve seen on tv in a while.

I’ve gone and built the expectation now haven’t I? Maybe I’d better leave you all in suspense. After all, your imaginations could probably come up with a better speech than the soap-writers did.

Okay then, what he said was something to the effect that “Murdering people? Whats the big deal? They’re only people. Not like they was whales. Or pandas. Not like I was killing endangered animals. Plenty more people left on the planet.”

Genius. We should have more environmentally friendly, goat’s-milk-drinking(nuffink against people who drink goats milk, but that is what was in his fridge when Ruby and Grant made the tea[9] . ) psycho crime lords on the telly.


  1. all of you? good
  2. – as suggested by Anne in the comments
  3. Graaaaaawn’
  4. I have a terrible urge to write this post in nuffin bu’ an Eastend accent, I’ll resist though for how long I’m unsure
  5. it just slipped out
  6. that’d be Jaaaahny
  7. his wife and other daughter burned to death in a cheery house fire because of his criminal activities.
  8. the dialogue here is not that speech, this is just a tribute
  9. yes, in the middle of breaking in to beat a “confession” out of Johnny, Grant Mitchell has a nice cuppa with the teenage daughter of the man his brother is beating the crap out of

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7 Responses

  1. anne says:

    d-word: depravity?

  2. Fence says:

    Excellent Anne. Excellent. I shall edit the post.

  3. Kelly says:

    Sometimes your footnotes are my favorite part of the post. About ten years ago, I used to watch Eastenders when it came on late at night. I was into it for several months, until the station cancelled it (what else is new? there was no respect for British broadcasting then, though it's better now, thanks to Ricky Gervais et al). I couldn't tell you a thing about the show now, though.

  4. Fence says:

    I always think my footnotes are me having a conversation (fasv) with myself :)

    In all honesty though, by missing eastenders you aren't missing much.

  5. Kelly says:

    As if I don't have ENOUGH to watch, anyway. I'm not crying over it. I'm actually sorry that you have to spend good, solid TV time in the same room with it, when there are too many other good shows to watch instead! I never liked having a roommate…

  6. Alan says:

    Phil and Grant are back? That's good. My mum is visiting for the week which is the only time I ever see soaps, and generally I don't actually recognise any of the characters because they've all changed since the last time I saw it. Except Pauline, of course.

  7. Fence says:

    Kelly, I'll struggle through. She watches BSG which she isn't a huge fan of, so its swings and roundabouts :)

    Alan, should I say enjoy ;)