Are You Desperate for Friends?

When You Are Desperately Lonely?

When you're desperate you make the wrong choices in friends. Blend Images - Jose Luis Pelaez Inc/Getty Images

You'd be surprised how many people feel desperately lonely but are afraid to mention it. We have a problem in culture in that many of us feel lonely but don't want to admit it for fear of being ridiculed. One reason someone may feel lonely is because they are desperate for friends, especially if you are without friends right now.

People who are desperate to make friends often have one or two of them already, but it's not enough. They may be afraid to be alone, going through a rough time, or are new to a city or school. They may have friends but still lack the emotional connection they desire. 

Signs of Desperation

While many of us want more friends in our lives, those who are desperate tend to have other issues, like the fear of being alone or an inability to be real with people. Being desperate doesn't just mean you want more people in your life, it means you will do almost anything to have them. Signs of this behavior include:

  • Hanging out with a group of friends who are a negative influence.
  • Clingy behavior when you first meet someone.
  • Inability to be alone even after you might have spent an entire day with someone.
  • Willingness to be used by people just to be around them.
  • Knowingly allowing people to treat you badly.
  • Changing your personality each time you meet a new friend.

How Being Desperate for Friends Hurts You

When you're desperate, you make poor friend choices. You might be so grateful that anyone is spending time with you that you ignore the signs that they are treating you poorly or taking advantage of you. Over time, this can alter your perception of what a good friendship is to the point where you actually seek out poor relationships even when you aren't desperate for company. The negative takes over and becomes the normal in this case.

Regularly spending time in bad friendships can cause your self-esteem to take a hit and may also affect other areas of your life. This desperate behavior can transfer over to jobs, bosses, relationships, and any area where you deal with other people.

There are also times when you think you deserve bad friends and keep going back to a friend who hurts you. 

What to Do If You're Desperate

Since developing friendships takes time, avoid the urge to "make friends now" and instead devote time to being more active. It's difficult to see your progress when it comes to the goal of making friends because relationships can't always be measured as neatly as other types of things. Instead, make your goal to learn about one new thing a week, attend an outing, or hang out at the local coffee shop, for example. Doing these things is a tangible way to make progress toward more friends. However, realize that it takes time.

In the meantime, see if you can meet a few friends online. Online friendships can be formed more quickly in some cases, especially when you're chatting about a common interest. There are several websites designed specifically so you can meet new friends. Spending time online will give you confidence when it comes to meeting new people.

Examine the Reasons You Are Desperate for Friends

Being desperate for friends doesn't necessarily mean that you don't have any friends. Sometimes it means that you have deep fears of being alone. In this case, you might have a few friends but are never satisfied with the amount of time you're spending together. If this sounds like you, take a good long look at your life to decide why you feel this way. Some questions to ask yourself include:

  • Is this feeling of desperation temporary?
  • When did I begin to feel desperate?
  • What changes have occurred in my life recently that has me feeling alone and out of control?

It's a good idea to seek out counseling to help you get a handle on your fears. You also need to learn how to be a good friend yourself. Perhaps the problem is not meeting new people but behaving in a way that encourages them to stay around. Remember, you don't just want new friends, you want good friends who will treat you right.