My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.

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“Kanye bless you.”
“Kanye damn it!”
“One nation, under Kanye.”
“Thank Kanye Almighty!”
“The Kanyefather, Part II”


Guys, please don’t judge someone based on stuff they wrote themselves in a public forum meant to reach the widest possible audience.


If you can’t kill them with kindness

A shovel will do


It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.


The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)


Relax white people, black people have the “N” word. But we still have words like “Yacht”, and sayings like “thanks for the warning officer”.


Me: What’s with the look?

Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?

Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?


It’s important to make her feel wanted…

….so I called the cops on her.


My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don’t run into anyone you know


Conversations with my pets:

Me: Please could you
Me: I haven’t said what it

Me: Please could you
Cat: No.