Donna Air In 'Too Stupid' Legal Defence

Donna Air won't fill in forms, but she'll clean her own car.Donna Air has been cleared of fraudulently applying for a parking permit after her lawyer argued "there was not a lot going on in her head".

If that's a legal excuse then the cast of The Only Way Is Essex could get away with murder.

The television presenter was accused of breaking council rules for having two permits for her car. It's against the terms and conditions and by having two the prosecution said she could've saved herself £5,700 in parking fees.

Wow. I think the real crime here is that you could have to fork out £5,700 in parking fees! That's more than my car is worth. It would be cheaper to just buy a car and leave it there.

Her barrister, Benn Maguire, told the jury at Isleworth Crown Court that she was not the sort of person to read forms properly. "I hope she will not criticise me," he said," but at the time there was not a lot going on in Ms Air's head, other than hot air.

Of course she won't criticise you. Like she's ever going to read the court transcript.

Donna claimed she had someone to do things such as form filling in for her. She said: "Since I became single, I have a girl who comes in and helps with the mundane things."

She hires a woman to do the horrible tasks no one else wants to do, and that gets her out of a fine. When I do the same... it's called prostitution. Tut.

>Read the source story


Wee Flavoured Egg? Urine Luck!

Don't know what to get that relative who's hard to buy for? Why not try this? In China's Dongyang city, hard-boiled eggs soaked and cooked in young boys' urine are enjoyed as a springtime snack and health tonic.

I have never tried a boiled egg that's been cooked in wee, so I shouldn't really criticise, but who was the first person to try this? If someone says to you, "You should really try this pissy egg thing I've invented," that's one thing. But if you're sat around bored with an egg and a kid who's just finished a whole bottle of Sunny Delight and you think, "I know what I could do..." you're a wrong 'un.

Every spring in Zhejiang province, the urine of young boys is collected and used to cook eggs. Talk about taking the p... never mind. Vendors say it takes an entire day to make the delicacy.

Well, if I knew that many people were waiting for me to go, I'd probably struggle to relax the plumbing.

First the eggs are soaked in the urine and then boiled. Step 3 isn't the predicable, "Then throw them away and get some proper food." The next step is to crack the eggs and continue to simmer them for hours. You're eating an egg in piss and you're worried about the eggs being under done? Yeah, who knows what you might catch.

Apparently the pee-soaked snacks promote better blood circulation. If ever my blood stops you can hand me a wee-wee-egg, Till then, I'll pass.

It's easy to mock but in this country you can get food in some restaurants that has young man's urine in it. Just go to a Nando's and be rude to the staff.

>Read the source story


Ref Gives 5 Red Cards... In The Dressing Room






>Read the source story

Osborne Says Eat Cold Sausage

Osborne Says Eat Cold SausageIt's not been a good time for prices. Petrol has hit a record high, beer is more expensive and second class stamps are going up to 50p. If only there was a way to use the internet to send mail, like some sort of electronic mailing system. I don't know what you'd call it though.

Things are so expensive a meal can cost you £250,000, but that comes with a free David Cameron.

In the budget VAT was put on hot snacks like bacon sandwiches or sausage rolls. And now, George Osborne has been branded "heartless" for saying hard-pressed Brits could avoid his VAT hike on hot food by buying COLD pasties.

Pressed on whether the "pasty tax" was fair, Mr Osborne said: "If it's cold when you buy it, it will not be VAT-able."

Can we buy it when it's cold and pay for it before Greggs have warmed it up? Is that how it works? Is this one of those tax avoidance things that rich folk do?

People have compared him to Marie Antoinette, and not just because they both have feminine jaw lines. She was the one who said, "Let them eat cake". But she clearly knew bugger all about the tax system because there's already VAT on confectioneries.

It's hard to work out the reason for this tax hike. It's not a green tax. The carbon footprint of warming up a little sausage roll didn't even get a mention in Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Truth". And it can't be a sin tax, because a cold one has just as many calories.

It seems that George Osborne doesn't like sausage rolls and he's slapped a tax on them. It makes you long for the days when Ken Clarke was the Chancellor. Now there's a man who wouldn't tax a pasty. He'd be bankrupt in weeks.

Oh, but there is one good bit of good food news out there. Scientists have found that eating a small amount of chocolate a day could help you lose weight. That's great news. If a small amount can help you lose weight imagine how thin I'll get with all the chocolate I cram down my face-hole when I get depressed.

Eating chocolate is something I thought would make me fat but it turns out it'll make me thin. Next we'll find out my second favourite habit actually gives you good eye sight instead of making you go blind.

In case you were wondering, my second favourite habit is watching magnesium ribbon burn. Well, a man needs a hobby.

>Read the source story


David Cameron - Pay Per View









Solving The Petrol Price Problem





Get the mp3 here



Your Tax Statement

NewspapersTaxpayers are to be given a detailed annual breakdown of how much they contribute to the Exchequer and how it is spent by the Government, under plans to be unveiled in the Budget.

Good idea. It will basically be a letter saying, "Your money is being spent on a team to work out what the money is being spent on. Enjoy."

It's thought the plan will be brought in to make it easier for the politicians to persuade voters of the need for public spending cuts. They will be saying, "Look at all the money you're spending. Wouldn't you like to spend less money?"

It will show that welfare payments make up about a third of all tax spending. But what it won't show is a list of all the things you get because your money goes to welfare. It won't list things like "not getting burgled by someone who's desperate and can't afford to feed their family". It won't list "not having the streets filled with groups of children begging". And they won't list the best thing you get from the welfare state, "The Jeremy Kyle Show".

According to Treasury calculations based on current taxes, someone earning £50,000 would be informed that their taxes will fund £4,727 worth of welfare payments, including £493 of housing benefit annually and £860 in sickness benefits.

But that's for someone earning 50k. With what I earn I'll get a letter saying, "If you want to know what we spent your tax money on, check the front of this envelope... it all went on that stamp!"

>Read the source story


Panda Giving Birth - Live!

Panda giving birthEdinburgh Zoo is considering streaming the birth of its first baby panda live on the internet.

It'll be like Channel Four's One Born Every Minutes, but as it's pandas it's One Born Every Decade.

Giant pandas Tian Tian and Yang Guang arrived in Scotland from Ya'an reserve in Chengdu, China, on December 4 last year. Like all female pandas she will only be in the mood for sex for three days out of the whole year. Well, they're in a long term relationship, so that sounds about normal.

Those three sexy days could be anytime now, so the male panda must be ready to go whenever. If it works, and she gets knocked up, the zoo plans to web stream the delivery.

Don't do that. If there's one thing that'll put her off is knowing that her foo-foo will be shown at its least flattering all over the world. And if you put her off the idea of sex during those three days you may have just killed the species.

Although, she's a panda. If you say you're going to televise her foo-foo she'll think it's a panda in another zoo.

The panda enclosure at Edinburgh Zoo already has a camera installed which allows people to watch the animals on a daily basis.

Then don't film the birth, film the conception. And then show it to the other male pandas. Their partners are only in the mood three days each year and they don't have the internet. It's the least we could do.

>Read the source story


Woolly Mammoth Are Coming Back


Why? Has anyone actually missed it? I've got by with just elephants and sheep.

They have found better quality remains and advances in stem cell technology means they could bring back this big animal from extinction. But it'll go wrong. Didn't they learn anything from Jurassic Park? They'll probably think they're safe because they will only clone females. You think having lots of females together is safe? Haven't you seen the TV show Loose Women?

The deal was signed by Vasily Vasiliev, vice rector of North-Eastern Federal University of the Sakha Republic, and controversial cloning pioneer Hwang Woo-Suk of South Korea's Sooam Biotech Research Foundation. Hwang was the man who created Snuppy, the world's first cloned dog, in 2005. Although for him it was a plan to solve the problem of food shortage.

The mammoth probably went extinct for a reason. If it couldn't hack it once we shouldn't help it out. Let it go, dude.

In fact, we should be going the other way. There are some animals that we should just get rid of. The snake. Nasty piece of work, I say we get rid of it. All we'd lose is unfashionable bags and shoes. And the wasp. We have the bee doing all the work, the wasp is it's no good, drop out cousin. If you can make some honey we might let you live, but if not you're gone.

And the panda. It's time to stop spending money trying to keep these things alive. They don't breed and they eat something that is so nutritionally poor they have to spend all day eating it. They spend all day eating and they survive because of our money hand outs. They're the chavs of the animal world, which explains the black eyes.

>Read the source story

Ovulating Women vs Snake

Women who have just finished ovulating are better at detecting snakes than at other times of their menstrual cycle, according to a new study.

They say "study" but it sounds more like "drunken wager".

Nobuo Masataka of Japan's Kyoto University tested 60 healthy women of child-bearing age at three different phases of their cycle. They were simultaneously shown nine pictures, one of which was a snake among flowers while the others were only of flowers.

The volunteers were tested on how quickly they spotted the serpent. The fastest women were those who were in the so-called luteal phase of their menstrual cycle, or the stage that immediately follows ovulation.

Experts say it's because they have greater inbuilt survival instincts at that time of the month. Well, it's either that, or they're on the look out for anything that long, slimy and hard, especially if it comes with flowers.

Masataka said this shows that women's vigilance increased at this part of the cycle because they are looking after themselves more as there's a possibility of being pregnant.

It's a good theory. And it's why there were no luteal women in the film Snakes On A Plane, or it would've been over before take off.

I'm so glad they spent the money on this research. Now I know what to take with me when I go camping; "Tent? Check. Emergency flare? Check. Woman who's just done ovulating..."

>Read the source story


Ken Barlow - Sex Machine










Bear Grylls You're Fired!

Bear Grylls has been sacked. Oh no. He's fallen on hard times. How will he cope?

The Discovery Channel says they had to call an end to working with him because of some dispute about his contract. It can't have been the rider, what would he need to make him feel comfortable before the show? A bucket of sand and some roadkill?


That's a shame because I like Bear Grylls. Well, I like the idea of some youth sitting there watching Bear Grylls saying, "But there ain't even that many Grylls!"

Sources say that Grylls has been unwilling to participate in two upcoming projects, in violation of his contract.

So, because he refused to work on those two projects they cancelled his contract and refused to work with him on those projects... that he didn't want to do. It's hardly a punishment. Then again if a former SAS man, who is famous for eating things he's just killed with his bare hands, says he doesn't want to do what you just asked him to, you'd probably not kick up too much of a fuss.

Sadly it means they won't make another series of his current show where he has made his way through some of the most inhospitable places on Earth. But once you've been to Liverpool once, you've seen it all.

>Read the source story

TOWIE's Lauren Pope On Her PIPs

Lauren Pope, from the TV show The Only Way Is Essex, has told a newspaper, "I was terrified my PIP implants were a ticking timebomb."

If you could hear ticking coming from your boobs, that wasn't your implants, you probably had a collapsed lung. I'm not a doctor but I've watched a lot of episodes of House, so that should count for something.

Lauren was one of the 40,000 British women fitted with potentially toxic Poly Implant Prothese implants made from silicone used for mattresses.

I don't know if this was a mistake or a mix up. If it was the latter then there are people out there sleeping on boob-grade mattresses. Like in Cornershop's song "Brimful of Asha", there's the lyrics, "Everyone needs a bosom for a pillow." Well, a mattress is even better.

In case you're worried, she's had them removed and replaced with better implants, kind of an upgrade. But the story of why she had them in the first place is an interesting one. She said: "I was glamour modelling so I was always surrounded by girls with big boobs."

So she had surgery!? If you're upset because all the women you work with have bigger boobs, don't risk your life going under the knife. Become an Olympic athlete.

She said she was happy with the results but the surgery was so traumatic she vowed she would never get them replaced. She said: "I was like a hunchback for two weeks afterwards."

Did the surgeon put them on the wrong side?

Anyway, zoom forward to last year, she found out she had the substandard parts fitted and she had to get them fixed. So what have we learned? Because of the poor practices of some doctors Lauren and women like her have had to suffer the trauma of unnecessary surgery.

I'm glad she's come forward with her story as it teaches us a lot about what we are willing to risk just to look a little better. And at the end of the news story is says this...

"Lauren, who has also had lip fillers, a nose job, teeth veneers and Botox, admits she still isn't confident about her looks."

Yep, lesson learned.

>Read the source story

Expensive Water To Be Used On Rioters

On the front of the Express: "Water Bills To Soar In Hosepipe Scandal".

Well, what did we expect? A hosepipe ban means we won't be using as much water, and if we don't use as much the water companies will earn less. And we can't have that, can we? There are some shareholders who want to get even richer. So to make up for the reduced amount of water we'll get through, the water companies are putting the price up.

And the front page of the Daily Mail: "Water Cannon To Quell Riots."

So tax payers' money will be spent buying water, at a new higher price, to spray at rioters. The water companies will be raking it in. All the water companies need to do to make huge profits is cause some civil unrest. And I wonder what would make us so angry that we riot? Hmm, maybe a hosepipe ban even though we've been caught in the rain just as much as normal recently?

It seems that the water companies have the perfect situation to make money while we suffer. Is there any good news for us? Well, yes. If you're garden is really dry and suffering this summer, just put up a big sign saying "JD Sports". Soon enough some rioters will turn up, followed by the water cannon, and you'll be well irrigated before you know it.

The Real-Life Batman

Real Life BatmanBatman really exists. In Slovakia, a man called Zoltan Kohari has taken it upon himself to dress as the dark knight and bring order to the town of Dunajska Streda.

Some much to unpick here. Firstly, if you were called Zoltan Kohari why would you need a superhero name?

Secondly, he's not really Batman, is he? He's a guy who's dressed up in a Batman t-shirt. He's dressed less like a crime fighter and more like someone who works in a comic book shop.

But to be fair, he has been helping to "clean the streets". Mainly this has involved picking up litter and helping old people to cross the road.

He's like the Police Community Support Officer version of Batman.

He also calls the police when he sees something suspicious. When he sees something suspicious? "Erm, police? Hello. Yep, I've spotted something that looks a bit dodgy. There's a man walking round with his face covered, going up to old people while carrying a bag full of dog turds and... oh, no, sorry. It's my reflection again."

>Read the source story


Pleased To Meat You

The Telegraph tells us: "Red meat is blamed for one in 10 early deaths."

I've looked into it and that figure doesn't include chokings and crates of the stuff falling on people, so this is really serious. It also only counts red meat in its dead form, so the stats don't include anyone attacked by a cow.

The Government's guidelines say you should eat no more than 2.5 ounces of red meat a day. But Dr Frank Hu, co-author of the study, said: "Given the growing evidence that even modest amounts of red meat is associated with increased risk of chronic disease and premature death, 2.5 ounces (70 grams) per day seems generous."

If he thinks it's killing us, generous is an odd word to use. "You can say what you like about that Dr Crippen but he certainly wasn't stingy with the hyoscin hydrobromide."

The study done at Harvard School of Medicine found that small quantities of processed meat such as bacon, sausages or salami can increase the chance of dying by a fifth and eating steak increases the risk of dying by 12%.

Surely the chance of dying is 100%. I'm not a betting man, but if I were, I'd bet on the fact I'll die. And I'll be quids in when it finally happens.

The study found that swapping red meat for poultry, fish or vegetables, whole grains and other healthy foods cut the risk of dying by up to one fifth.

So they drop the odds of dying from 100% for us mortals to 80% for the veggies? This means they have discovered immortals. I thought that would've been front page news, especially on the Telegraph. The average age of its readers is "nearly dead".

In an accompanying editorial Dr Dean Ornish, of the University of California, San Francisco, said that eating less red meat could also help tackle climate change, saying: "In addition to their health benefits, the food choices we make each day affect other important areas as well. What is personally sustainable is globally sustainable. What is good for you is good for our planet."

There are too many people in this world and we're living too long. If we have found a food that leads to early deaths, obesity-related fertility problems and it tastes good, I think doing the right thing for the planet is having a nice steak.

Nom nom.

>Read the source story


Brits Sleep With A Teddy

A study has found that about 35% of British adults admitted they sleep with a teddy bear.

"Admitted"? Why would you admit to it? Unless someone walked in and caught you tucking Mr Snuggems into his side of the bed, you don't admit to it. You deny it and walk on past the surveyor.

Apparently they do it to de-stress before bedtime, according to a Travelodge survey. Hmm, if only there was something else that you could do just before bed that would help you de-stress.

I suppose the Travelodge want to promote using a teddy to de-stress rather than the other thing because they have to clean the sheets.

About 25% of men polled said they bring their bears on business trips because the cuddly creatures remind them of home.

If something that furry reminds you of being at home with the missus, no wonder you spend so long on the road.

10% of women said they treat their teddy bear as a good friend with whom they share their most intimate secrets.

And if they treat it exactly like a friend they'll wait for the teddy to leave the room and then bitch about the shoes the teddy was wearing.

According to the survey, the average teddy in the country was 27 years old. Staying in a hotel and sharing your bed with a 27-year-old. There are worse things you could do.

>Read the source story

Collar-Bomber Says Sorry

Remember the story of the guy in Australia who broke into a house and chained a fake bomb around the neck of a young girl in a bid to get money out of the family. Well he has now said sorry.

Well I'm sure that smooths things over. Maybe send some chocolates and a nice card. I bet Clintons do a "Sorry I nearly blew your head off" range, they certainly do everything but.

If you don't remember the details, 51-year-old banker Paul Peters broke into the house in Sydney and chained a USB stick around her neck along with a letter.

Just in case bankers weren't already hated enough for what they have done to the world economy, they're pulling this shit now. Who's doing their PR?

The police were called and it took them 10 hours to remove the fake bomb. I guessed they clicked "safely remove USB device" and waited; in Windows Vista that can take ages.

The case is now in court and his lawyer said he was "profoundly sorry".

He'll be fine. He'll go to jail but he'll have lots of those women who fall for criminals waiting for him. All we know about him is that he can write a letter and likes to give women something they can wear around their neck. He's a keeper.

>Read the source story


Olympics A Shake-Free Zone

Britain's Olympic hopefuls are being warned not to shake hands in case they catch a bug which wrecks their chances of a medal.

But if they're not allowed to shake hands that means they can't be racist. Sepp Blatter in the past said that a hand shake sorts out any racism, so a ban on shaking hands means they'll have to stop being racist... during the Olympics. The time when thousands of people from all over the world visit the UK and the racists will have to keep their thoughts to themselves. So expect to see the Daily Mail letters section grow in size for a while.

I like the idea though. As a bit of a germophobe I often wish that we could end this practice of shaking hands. It's an old tradition that started as a way of showing someone you weren't carrying a weapon. But I tend to just assume most people I meet don't want to kill me. And if I meet someone who doesn't shake my hands I don't think, "Hmm, this guy probably has a sword."

The British Olympic Association chief medical officer Dr Ian McCurdie said they should try "within reason" to avoid shaking hands.

It's harder than it looks. For years I've been trying to find the perfect way to get out of the shake and so far I have found no good answers. If someone puts their hand out for a shake you can't just leave them hanging, you look like the dick in that situation. You also can't shake it and straight away use some alcohol hand rub. You get an ever higher dick status that way.

If someone holds out their hand for a shake there's only one way to get out of it and that is to say, "Oh, we know each other too well for that." And then reach in for a hug. It gets you out of the shake but you're getting full body contact and probably their nits.

This is why I'm praying that the fist-bump catches on. It uses minimum hand contact on a safer area. But there's a cultural undertone to the fist-bump and with all those racists getting all pent up, I don't think I'll be in luck.

One thing I have noticed is that if you do well at something people come up and shake your hand as a way of saying well done. So if we want out athletes to not shake as many hands we need them to not win many golds. Now there's a plan we can stick to.

>Read the source story


Congrats Vladimir Putin

Congratulations to Vladimir Putin on a surprise win in Russia's presidential election. His party had better run out and buy a "Happy Election Win, Vlad" banner to hang up for when he gets back.

At a rally in front of the Kremlin but he was clearly shocked. He was emotional, with tears running down his face, as he said: "I promised you we would win. We have won. Glory to Russia."

And this is a guy who spends his spare time using his judo on wild bears, so he must've been really surprised by the win to cry.

And it must've been a surprise because you can't know that you're going to win an election unless you rig it. Surely he couldn't have done that. How would a former KGB man have the contacts and resources to rig an election?

And he even proved that it was all above board. There were webcams set up showing what was happened at the polling stations. It meant that people could watch to see if anything untoward was happening. It also meant I had a rubbish night on Chat Roulette but that's a different issue.

The central election commission gave Putin 63% with 22% of votes counted. The state-run VTsIOM polling agency said its exit polls predicted that Putin would take 58.3% of the vote. Which is great news, for everyone, apart from 41.7% of people. If Putin sees you voting for someone else on one of those webcams your ass is a dead as a big bear's ass when he's in Judo mode.

But some people aren't happy with this. They say Putin has fixed the election and the whole thing is a farce. And some even went as far as to demonstrate. There were women who turned up to vote topless as a mark of protest...

I saw these topless women on one of the webcams they had set up. So maybe my night on Chat Roulette wasn't wasted after all.


Rebecca Adlington Too Scared To Swim

Olympic swimmer Rebecca Adlington is on the front of The Times saying: "I'm scared of the sea".

At first that seems odd; she's the best swimmer we have in the UK and she doesn't like the sea. But when you stop and think, the long jump gold medallist is probably afraid of the desert.

There's a big difference between an Olympic size swimming pool and the sea. For a start, if you try to do lengths in the sea you're going to be there for a lot longer.

But the strange thing is that Adlington has never swum in the sea. She said: "I go in to my knees or hips and that's all. Why? Ooooh, you don't know what's in there."

I guess she has a point. Given a choice between my local council pool or the sea, one has what looks like human wasted in it, some strange looking creatures in there and might give me a disease, and the other is... hang on, I forgot which way round I was doing this.

But here's what I don't get. If you don't know what's in the sea why would you paddle up to your hips? If you swim all you will make contact with is the water. If you wade in you might stand on one of those fish that stabs you with a spine or you might cut yourself on coral.

I suppose the biggest risk is jellyfish. If you go swimming in the sea you might get stung by a jellyfish, and we all know what you have to do if that happens. You have to pee on yourself to neutralise the venom. Or just come and dive into my local council pool. There's enough urine in that water to sort your jellyfish sting right out.

>Read the source story


UK Failing At Maths

Almost half of the adults in England have a poor understanding of maths, according to a new charity.

Fortunately for me, I'm part of the remaining three-quarters.

National Numeracy has found that 17 million people in the country struggle with maths. Many of them have an understanding of numeracy equivalent to that of a primary school pupil.

That means they can add up, and maybe subtract, but if they were on a train heading north at 40mph and another train was heading south at 50mph, they wouldn't have a clue what to do about it.

The number of innumerate adults in England has grown by up to two million in eight years. It's almost like they're breeding. Now that would be irony, the innumerates are multiplying.

It's harder to be good at maths these days. I went in a shop a while back and a 10p mix of sweets was 50p. What chance do we stand?

International studies show that the UK is lagging behind other nations when it comes to the subject. As a proportion of our population we have twice as many people with poor maths skills than they have in the United States. I find that shocking because I thought we were better at it than the Americans. I was basing that on the fact we say "maths" and they say "math". Ours is plural, so I thought that meant we had more maths over here.

There's some good news. While the standard of our maths ability has dropped the literacy levels in the UK have improved. So when we get an F in maths at least we know what that means.

>Read the source story

Get the FREE SomeNews email

Enter your email address:

Delivered by FeedBurner




The SomeNews Live Show
See where the SomeNews Live Show will be next.



Blog Archive