12 Things That Should Be Banned From Pubs

Sam Smith's have banned swearing in its establishments. Here's some more behaviour that should be outlawed

Deliberately slowing down or pretending to make a phone call as you reach the entrance to the pub Everyone knows you are trying to skip a round and everyone will remember.

Keeping a packet of crisps or nuts to yourself Anything that comes in a foil packet must be opened like a flower and offered up to the communal good.

Standing up and saying "right, let's go" before everyone else in the group has finished their pint just because you've already finished yours Two minutes without a drink isn't going to kill you, mate.

Trying to order a mojito in a pub Let that holiday in Zante go.

Owning your own customised pool cue taking it to the pub in a special case and making anyone who wants a game 'play you for the table' There's one in every town.

Having a go when someone buys pork scratchings Keep your sanctimonious health chat for the gym and get these hairy beauties down you.

Buying anyone a 'small' wine or a 'single' spirit unless specifically requested and even then only after a respectable amount of protest Don't be generous by halves.

Having your kids in the bar after 7pm Little Oscar running around was cute at lunchtime but now it's dark outside and I want to do some serious drinking without his bright little eyes judging me.

Putting Radiohead on the jukebox This isn't your bedroom and we're trying to have a good time.

Leaning on the bar having a good old chinwag with your pal like its 3pm on a Sunday when it's actually 9pm on a Friday and people are trying to get served Please make use of all available space, you selfish piece of shit.

Trying to hit on the barmaid If you've really 'fallen in love' go back tomorrow and ask her when you don't smell of Sambuca and you can see straight.

Allowing yourself to be served ahead of someone you totally knew was at the bar before you and then pretending like you hadn't noticed Congratulations! You're scum of the earth.

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