Home / Live Wire / Game of Groans: Stewie and Gary-ios get unwelcomed help from Easter visitor as invading force grows in numbers 


Scene: Westeros, Diego Martin. The rulers of the seven kingdoms meet for an uneasy alliance in the face of an external menace that has threatened their very way of existence with their exotic tongues, bizarre work ethic and tasty empanadas.

Gary-ios, Commissioner of the Unsullied-By-Work Force—otherwise known as the TTPS—paints a grim picture of the invading hordes.

Photo: Hola señor. Where do we register?

Gary-ios: It is the end of life as we know it. The ‘Vennies’ must be stopped before it is too late. Declare martial law, ban Buju, get Machel to sing a song about me, give me the keys to the Treasury and I will fix this in time for the next election. Oh, and arrest Kirk Waite and get Stacy Roopnarine to return my calls.

Colm, Master of Coin: Aren’t we getting ahead of ourselves? Prime Minister, the man has not even proven that the Vennies are a danger to Trinidad and Tobago.

Gary-ios: First of all, I am not the man. I am THE Man! Secondly, that is seditious talk and I can have you arrested on the spot. Third, have some respect and stand up when you are addressing this counsel.

Colm: I am standing up.

Stewie, Child Leader of the One Percent and Hand of the King: I agree 110 percent with Gary-ios.

Gary-ios: Who the hell asked you?! Make yourself useful and get me a cup of coffee.

Stewie: Rituals or Starbucks?

Keithos, King in the North: Gary-ios, can you give the Counsel more information on this threat? Is it true that they cannot be killed? I have heard stories that they can bewitch officers of the law; that one of their women touched an armed policeman and his gun fired immediately and yet no one was harmed—not even a black boy from Enterprise or Laventille.

(The Counsel members nod with a concerned look.)

Keithos: … What I mean to ask is: does anyone have that woman’s phone number?

Sat, Self-appointed Ruler of Hindustan: Allyuh see that?! Blasted Tobagonians again!

Photo: Maha Sabha Secretary General and racist-in-chief Sat Maharaj.

Keithos: Why you don’t go back in your racist comic book?!

Sat: Why you don’t chase a goat?!

Keithos: Why you don’t go help Nalini find Zee-TV?!

(A hush descends upon the room.)

Sat: Oh god?! Oh god?! Allyuh hear what he tell mih?! Allyuh hear?!

Kamla, Queen of the Yellow Kingdom: Hate speech! We withdraw our support immediately until the King in the North apologises to Sat and Nalini and promises to kill the Unexplained Wealth Bill!

Keithos: What does that Bill have to do with anything we are talking about?

Kamla: We will have nothing to do with a government that refuses to appease racists for the sake of political expediency and threatens the peace of mind of honest, white collar criminals. That is no way to run a kingdom. We are out!

(Kamla storms out with her advisers.)

Stewie (in a hushed tone): Are we going after white collar criminals in truth?

Faris, Lord of the Zessers: Did you not plough through the voluminous contents of the Charter?

Stewie: What?

Fitzgerald, Party Mascot and Decipherer: He asked if you read the Bill.

Stewie: Steups. I was elected to lead, not read.

Colm: Wait, where is the Commissioner?

Photo: A Gary Griffith meme.

(Members of the Counsel look around in surprise.)

Keithos: Did he leave with the UNC?

Stewie: I know exactly where he is. He is leading an intelligence-driven exercise as we speak with my full permission and authority. In fact, I directed his men to give him full support on the exercise. We are all doing a tremendous job and the whole country is seeing the rewards of it. That is why Gary-ios and myself are so popular with the cockroaches… I mean the 99 per cent… I mean voters!

Keithos: So where is he?

Stewie: Ahmm. My intelligence on that is a bit premature.

Colm: Your intelligence isn’t the only thing that’s premature.

(Faris snickers.)

Stewie: I suppose that’s the thanks I get for supporting you on that Bill of yours!

Faris: Support?! In what way did I intimate to you the need for your buttressing of my locality on that legal affair? Did I ever apprise you of my consternation towards the glare of the media? My dearest colleague, there are women employed in the nefarious business of unwed copulation for recompense that are more averse to a microphone than your goodly self!

Stewie: What?

Fitzie: He called you a shameless media whore.

Voice in the background: Brethren, in this time of renewal and uncertainty, is it not more beneficial to the Counsel and the multitudes that you all represent to look at the opportunity presented by this turmoil for us to appeal to our better selves? You have tried everything else to turn this country around and to arrest crime. Well, what about Bonafide Love? Your Latin visitors did not wish this upon themselves. Circumstances made them who they are.

Colm: Is that Live Wire?

Faris: Is that Father Joe?

Keithos: Is that… is that Jesus?

Voice: No. Be still and know; I am the one they call Gargamel.

Fitzie: Oh my god, it’s Buju Banton!

Photo: Who Say, Buju?

(The Counsel goes into uproar.)

Keithos: Buju? Why the arse are you here? Stewie, what the hell they doing at Immigration?!

Stewie: My Honourable King in the North; Gary-ios said I had to let him in so we could have someone to blame for any crime during the Easter period. I don’t know how he got in this room!

Buju: Hush Baby Hush and Cry No More. This is my Destiny to speak truth to power, so long as Jah Give I Strength.

Keithos: You want us call babylon for you?!

Buju: Make my day!

(The Counsel erupts again as members scream at Buju to get out. Colm tries to call him a Driver. Stewie vows to immediately launch Operation Ardent, only Gary-ios does not answer his call. Suddenly, Fitzie bangs the table.)

Fitzie: Everybody sit yuh ras down and shut yuh bumba!

Keithos: Who do you think you are…

(Fitzie glares back with an intensity not seen since his last visit to Sea Lots. The King in the North takes his seat.)

Buju: Rastafari. Blessings.

Fitzie: All will be fine, rasta. Ring The Alarm.

Stewie: Oh my god; it is poor people code! Where my bulletproof vest?!

Buju: Brethren, listen me. It is Not An Easy Road. But you cannot fight wickedness with wickedness. Scene? It is time to overstand the evil design of the shit-stem. I had a Close One Yesterday. And now I am here to tell you that violence and bitterness only makes unrighteousness increase. That is the Grim Side of Reality. Yuh see it?

Trinidad brethren, you can’t stop the Vennies with brute force. Your jails can’t hold them. Scene? Your police couldn’t catch them all. No Coast Guard can guard a whole island…

Keithos: I Wish you would get to the point.

Stewie: Why are we even listening to a Vigilante?!

Photo: Can we put him in Bondage?
(Copyright Trinidad Newsday)

Buju: Tribal War nah work my friend. There are Vennies in every community across the country and people don’t know how to deal with them. Scene? They are taking their cue from you. Instead of hostility, let us try to understand them. They’re people just like you and me and they just Wanna Be Loved. Scene?

Brethen, why not make love go viral? Let’s Love Dem Bad and…

(Bang. A gunshot rings out. Buju clutches his chest with a confused look.)

Buju (with a weak gasp): Murderer…

(Buju slumps to the ground).

Gary-ios: Got him!

Epilogue: And so a chance to bring peace to the seven kingdoms was lost. Stewie did tell the masses that his officers, through intelligence-driven police work and uncanny timing by the Commissioner—in an exercise directly coordinated by the alert Hand of the King—shot down a notorious Drug Lord intent on overturning law and order across the land; and that anyone who does not applaud upon hearing this news is unpatriotic and could be charged for sedition.

And the Commissioner’s fame continued to spread far and wide and struck fear into the heart of immigrants.

But man cannot rule by fear alone. And so the Vennies began to gather privately to discuss how they might ensure their own safety in this land of sea, sunshine and Trevor Sayers.

(To be continued…)

About Mr. Live Wire

Mr. Live Wire

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  1. Don’t police have to have a good reason to use a search warrant? Otherwise this is just bullying. Tourists take note. Customs can send ‘a whole bunch’ of armed police to search your luggage even after you leave the airport.

  2. The power of the mighty pen is enormous. Ni hau. Oooom shanti my brother. I ded.

  3. ” I am standing up” rotfl

  4. Brilliant Mr Live Wire Needed a ‘laugh out loud’ and got many from this.