Wednesday, January 10, 2007

You Say You Want An Escalation, Well You Know We Don't Want To Wreck The World*

Boy Howdy! are we excited about the president's speech tonight, and not just for the opportunities for drinking games, although now that we think of it, since everyone already knows what he's going to say, there really isn't much other reason to listen to it.

president Bush will tell a nation weary of him that he is sending 21,500 more Americans to Iraq arguing it has been a mistake not to commit larger numbers of U.S and Iraqi troops to futility in the increasingly violent, shattered country. "Seems like if you want to win a war, you have to have more guys than the other side," the president told reporters at a briefing. "Who knew?"

Delivering yet another speech totally disconnected from this time space continuum, the president will acknowledge in unusually stark terms given to him by the focus groups how dire the situation is — because of errors in his assumptions and failures by him to follow through on promises. "Look, we've screwed the pooch on this since day one, but trust us, this time we've finally got it down," said White House Press Secretary Tony Snowjob.

The U.S. is changing its goals, switching from a focus on totally unrealistic, incredibly naive, and generally idiotic outcomes, to merely hanging on until someone else gets elected president. "That's our personal exit strategy," said a White House spokesperson.

Iraqis, meanwhile, will be expected to meet totally unrealistic, incredibly naive, and generally idiotic outcomes. "The Iraqis have to step up," White House counselor Dan Bartlett said. "We've coddled them long enough. Why did you know the power is on in Baghdad for almost four hours a day now? Well, except on weekends."

Bartlett said that the rules of the past, where U.S. forces in Baghdad were handcuffed by political interference must end. "Politicians must not be allowed to fight wars," he said "The lives of our brave soldiers must never take second place to political concerns, and our military must never be committed for any but the most critical of reasons. To do otherwise is a direct affront to the bravery, commitment and sense of duty of our armed forces..." at this point vice president Cheney ended the press briefing.

Bush was told to acknowledge a long and worsened list of problems in Iraq: the government capabilities still are limited, sectarian divisions have widened, members of Iraqi security forces are contributing to the violence and suffer from high absenteeism, the pitched fighting in Baghdad between Shiites and Sunnis has gotten worse and is influencing the rest of the country, essential services still are lacking, Iraqi support for the U.S. is declining, and Iraqis — while committed to a unified Iraq — are increasingly turning from the central government to pursue more narrow sectarian agendas to hedge their bets. "Yeesh. You blow up a guy's country and suddenly he's all like 'chaos! chaos!'" Snowjob said. "What I want to know is where's the thanks for getting those schools painted?"

The president is arguing that a gradual increase in U.S. troops, along with pumping $1 billion into Iraq's economy, is the answer to the question of how to avoid taking responsibility for the biggest foreign policy fiasco since muslims were allowed to enter the country. "We're talking about my self esteem here," the president told reporters.

His justification rests in part on new confidence that al-Maliki is better able to follow through on promises of the kind that have been made before and never kept. When asked what was different now in regards to al-Maliki's credibility the president replied "I got a sense of his soul when I looked into his eyes. We're meeting later at the Back Door Pub."

Bush also will urge Americans to see success in Iraq as imperative to their future security. "If our enemies think we're stupid enough to go traipsing off all over the world spreading death and destruction for no rational reason, they'll leave us alone," Snowjob told reporters. "Aren't you afraid of psychotics? Well, expand that out until it becomes a foreign policy."

The president's address is the centerpiece of an aggressive public relations campaign that also includes detailed briefings for lawmakers and reporters and a series of appearances by Bush starting with a trip Thursday to Fort Benning, Ga. Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice. "She's actually the only one besides my dog and Laura who support me, the president said. "I think she's got a thing for me, which would be cool, except she's a darky."

Crafting the new policy took the president nearly three months. Relevant agencies conducted reviews, outside experts were called in, and the president consulted several times with Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki and other prominent Iraqi leaders. Then Bush decided to ignore them all and do what he wanted. "I'm used to getting my way," he told reporters. "Or at least having my daddy get it for me."

*Apologies to John and Paul

No comments: