set free

Not Forgotten

I haven’t forgotten about you.

It would be impossible though all this pain. As you twist my body in the midst of the night. Pulling me from within and dragging my innards inside out. Ripping whatever dignity I had left and leaving them to rot wherever you discard them. No.

I haven’t forgotten you.

In infinity it’s not possible. Try as I might. To forget my start. And the burden it holds deep from my beginnings. To where I cannot speak in fear of the retribution each single word I utter will carry in years to come.

Or has the the time of their sins already past? Had the debt for their iniquity already rolled through?

I haven’t forgotten you.

As much as I wish I could run away and leave this torturous journey behind, or better yet pretend it never happened, I cannot for no matter what I do I can’t push you from my mind. I cannot have one single solitary thought that stand alone anymore. Each word I think. Each sentence I ruminate on, is linked to a phrase you mentioned once. In times long ago.

I haven’t forgotten you.

You live in my head. And though I tried at first to make it a beautiful place for you, welcoming and peaceful, you turned it into a place that I myself could no longer abide.

I haven’t forgotten you.

Because each time I turn the corner I fear you are there. My thoughts turn to paranoia as you tell me you are on your way, but to me it has become…. you are here. Lurking. Watching.

I haven’t forgotten you.

Because I thought I could love you so much that I prayed to God for you. But then soon realized he had nothing to do with you so I bargained with the Devil instead. And wound up in hell myself.

I haven’t forgotten you.

I’ve been fighting for my mind ever since I met you and it makes me think what a burden you must have had to have had this feeling your whole life and to have thought this was the norm.

I haven’t forgotten you.

I don’t know how to get myself out of this fear in my mind, let alone both of us, which is what I so stupidly told the King of all Evil in the beginning to save you from a eternity of pain.

But I do know I haven’t forgotten you.

And I do know that good always wins. I just haven’t quite figured out how yet.

A Long Time Coming



I don’t know how to describe this. It’s beyond having the same dreams at the same time. It’s just like nothing else in the world exists in the moment when we connect except our thoughts. Just K and I. And it’s both beautiful and beyond freaky. I hadn’t spoken to him since Christmas when I was back home, but this past weekend I had another ‘experience’ for a very lame lack of words. Where the rest of the world melted away and it was just us. But not even us physically. Just my one singular thought of me, and his one singular thought that represents him, and we met. Where there was no time or space, just us. In complete trust.

And I’ve been struggling with these experiences since they started because I’ve truly thought they could be 100% in my head and I’ve been fighting it for the sake of my sanity. I just truly didn’t want my kids to have two insane parents. And that maybe I just conjured up this whole fantasy out of pure loneliness etc. But then the next day K called. After months of not physically talking, he called.

And said he’d been thinking about me a lot. Especially the night before. And I told him I knew. And in that moment it confirmed for me that this wasn’t all in my head. This wasn’t something I had imagined. This was something real.

And in some ways that phone call from K helped ease my confusion, but in other ways it just brought more questions. Like oh my god. This is actually happening. We are actually ‘talking’ to each other without words no matter the distance.

For real, for real.

So now what?

This has been in the works for years. But what does it mean? What does it bring with it?

A lot more questions. A lot of trust.

A lot of everything.

But it happened. It’s real. And it us. And it’s amazing.

So this is just a quick post to jot some of my thoughts about it down and to just remember how I felt about it. Because sometimes to remember craziness is crazy.

The Unbirth Of Love

The fact that I am alive is proof enough that I am a God.

No one can confirm for sure how the world started.  Not when or how or at what point, which leaves it wide open for interpretation on exactly how or why we got to this place in history or the present place in the universe.

Did we come with a purpose? I believe so. Once being to discover the fact that just being here makes our journey complete. We fundamentally have made it by making ourselves. We came. We saw. We each individually have essentially conquered the obstacles of creation by mutually not only choosing to co-exist but at the same time to create the same reality we all choose to collectively perceive and view as real or life if you will.  That fact, in and of itself makes us all God, or a portion of ‘God’ or a ‘soul’ on the outside, all jointly looking in on this world we have created and living out through human existence.

Many over the course of this dynamic perception have  tried to explain this phenomenon. Some use science to get closer to the answer. Some simply trust in the unknown God/deity they choose to represent the beginning. Other pure and simple refuse to acknowledge that question at all, which leads them not searching for an answer. In fact the large majority of today’s population have been satisfied with just living that they have no desire to wonder how their life came into being in the first place. They have become complacent. The are satisfied with a big bang, or a creation, but when it comes down to it, humans are afraid to dig deeper. Since when you try to truly uncover further into the origins of not only the world, but yourself, it will leave you looking starkly at one thing and one thing only.

No matter which theory you align yourself with, we all started at the same place. All at the same time. When I say ‘we’ I don’t mean on the surface level of the life ‘we’ live as you read this. I dive deep into us as a humanity and a universal perception.

The creation of this reality had to start in A moment. Where we all collectively branched out on our own journeys to create at will. Maybe we went from one to a million in an instant big bang style. Maybe ‘we’ collectively planned our futures and our memories and agreed we would just agreed to have thoughts and memories that extended so far back to create a reality and at the count of three wake up one morning go on our way. Maybe ‘we’ split in two and then four and then eight etc, like a baby in the womb. Maybe, we did all of the above, and agreed to each carry a different version of the conception deep in our thoughts hidden in so many lifetimes. This would help us to never return to the loneliness of being one together, since we knew we would never allow our views to change once spread so vast and becoming so hardened.

But once spread out and functioning as a world as we are now, what if two or more individual humans began to think as one again on such a level that they shared this kind of information? What would it do to the origins of the entire perception of the world? It could destroy it. It could destroy the original ‘creation’ that came from thinking independently. The separation and joy and individuality that came from the creation, that allowance to have different thought processes and different opinions that would have never occurred had we all remained as one, would be wiped out. We would return to that being of oneness.

So the fact that from the source and the beginning there are differences should bring the most joy as well as enlightenment. Joy to know the source of this world had knowledge to discover it must become different in order to expand and create eventual life. And enlightenment to acknowledge that you are a byproduct of that source.

This empowering knowledge lends to the discovery that along the way our thoughts at one point in the past were connected. Before we became so focused on the perception of this tangible reality, we were all connected and intermingled not as humans, but as souls, or thoughts. So if we did it before, lived as one in a bodyless haven, why should we limit ourselves to the possibility of creating this reality or perception we see every day, and focus instead on uncreating or returning to that for our souls.

I’m not suggesting it will happen overnight, as many indiscretions have been made against each other or each soul or thought process throughout this creation process since our infinite decision long ago to part ways. It will take many conscious repairs to mend bonds that were broken along the way, but can be made easier with the knowledge that we are all the source and the beginning, and therefore we all originally had intentions of creating a reality. Did we know exactly how it would turn out? No because we gave each other the freedom to create and be individuals. But with the brokenness, we may not feel like it on the surface, but our souls are longing for healing.

We are all longing to come back home to ourselves as one. Where we all began.



Infinity Undone

So I’ve come to the point where I’ve now loved someone so much, that I’ve nothing left of myself. I feel him at night while I”m lying in bed. I see him during the day in my daily life. It’s like so many pieces of my life match his that my world forms his face. And to know that his physical body is out there, not “feeling” the same way I am, is crippling.

To have things in your universe SO perfectly match another individual, to the point that you become not just your body, but everything you perceive and believe, and know that they are on the opposite side of everything you are? Is both everything beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time. It’s like if everything you are became flat as a paper spread out for eternity. Like you melted and your body was absorbed into nothingness. But your perfect match was the other side of the paper. You are forever so close. But now you know. YOU KNOW, that no matter what else you do, you cannot be with them how you want. Because you are either perfectly touching everything matched and complete, or you must rip away from each other, as far as the eye can see, and the mind can comprehend to create a physical form to come together as a couple as you had always envisioned as we are programmed to do.

But you will always have this knowledge of where you can from. To the bitter end of how thoughts were formed, because in your deep thoughts, you both went to the darkest corners of your mind and soul and very being to find the start.

The start of you. The start of time. The start of us, one, everything. And so despite everything around you, and the few remaining unanswered questions, you know. You know that you came from each other. And with each breath you create each other. And so you hope and believe and trust the hardest thing in the world, that you created, but you trust, that you can both maintain this knowledge at the same time. On both sides of the paper. To maybe both believe at the same time that this love is the deepest and truest and realest and most beautiful love ever.

Because when it comes down to it, the world had to be created at some point. Why not here. In our love in our thoughts? In our breath? In our perception? In this beauty?

And if so, let’s take the knowledge we have, from our view, and perception, to move on with our “life” and create death. Our final resting place. Not somewhere where we would have to come back onto this plane of insanity, dropped back onto this paper at a different location, but lets start matching up to our original start, lets bring it back to the beginning again. Let’s uncreate if you will. Lets find our start. To find our self.

And know that the very real possibility exists that an actual human being may be out there right now to match all our thoughts. To be the other side of our paper. To be our infinity.

We had to be created at some point.

How can we be sure that we can die? Yes, our bodies can fail, but I am no longer sure that ‘we’ die. How do you define yourself? Are you your body alone? I know I am more than just this physical sack of skin holding my blood and organs together, separating my thoughts from yours. But when that physical force fails, my thoughts are now only just free to be.

With that being said, I think comes and even more frightening thought than the conventional idea of death, but the idea that ‘we’ can never die. We can never stop thinking. We can block off memories of past lives, and choose to come again and be reborn as a fresh individual, but ‘we’ as a soul, can never be “done.”

We can have soul mates, whom we might meet up with and even conceive beautiful plans with while recovering in our place of rest and preparing to return to this earth (which is just a projection from all of our perceived thoughts) or we can build our own walls and choose to do things on our own as pure individuals.

Each time we come, we can allow ourselves as much or as little access to ourselves as we choose, but unfortunately, there is no end.

An that is a scarier thought than death in itself.

Because I think it must become boring in the vast openness of ‘nothing’ outside of this world. So we as souls created something beautiful. To both challenge ourselves, but also to pass our infinite time. So with knowing that we all as souls or spirits have come together to create this universe in both it’s great magnitude, but also it’s very small connected form, it will hopefully lead us to remembering our purpose in it’s initial creation. That this is a place of joy and individuality and a place to take form, and create.

So what have you created today, as opposed to destroyed.


And The Wonder Of It All Is I’m Living Just To Fall More In Love With You

So I’m just gonna go ahead and say it. My dreams have been beyond crazy. I’ve also seen having some experiences that are much more than ‘normal’ for a lack of a better word. This post is going to be super short, because I can never find the words to properly describe the phenomena that I’ve been going through. Thoughts I’ve had, feelings I’ve felt, dreams I’ve dreamt. But then also times I’ve gone through in day to day life where it feels like time pauses for me, and I zone out, but not for anyone else. Or weirder still, when everyone else freezes and I continue to move, and think.

It’s become just more than anything I’ve experienced in my 30 years of life but I keep justifying it but saying to myself that it must be real, since I am experiencing it, and I am real… soooooo?

But to have dreams that are in gold and feelings that are in light. To close your eyes and instead of having the darkness you can literally be able to turn over every piece of that darkness to create something new, while your eyes remain closed… its been beyond my understanding until now and even at this moment it’s more than I fully comprehend but its beautiful and the universe that awaits… its almost like it’s been waiting for someone to discover it in this fashion. Because it’s been treating me in such an interesting way.

Anyways. That’s it for now. I have nothing else to say other than it’s been confusing yet beautiful.


I Dream In Colour I Dream Of You

I had a dream a week ago, maybe two.

It was the most phenomenal life like dream ever.

K and I were driving along the road here in town, and we were talking about how life is going, but what made this dream spectacular, was it was in colour. Not just your everyday colour, but everything was sparkling in shades of gold.

Then what pushed it even more over the edge, is that while he was driving and chatting, he reached over and held my hand and I felt it. I literally felt the warmth of his hand embracing mine. And it was the most beautiful breath-taking experience ever.

The dream ended with him saying he better get his shit together. And in an instance the dream was done. The gold was gone. The warmth of his hand was gone. And I was awake. But it seemed more than a dream. It was like we were sharing an imagination/consciousness.

I’d never dreamed in colour before. Especially not gleaming hills of gold and feeling warmth.

Pearl Jam/Daughter

Mind Is A Battlefield All Hope Is Gone Trouble To The Right And Left Whose Side You’re On / The Sky Is A Neighborhood

So it’s gotten to the point where I hear music. You guys I’m not crazy. I promise. I go about my days as per usual and I’m 100% with it, but at night when I take the time to focus on this… this shit (I know what it is but I also have no fuckin clue whats going on) then I feel/hear it.

Not just like songs repeated that I had been hearing throughout the day from the radio or something. But new, hand written songs fresh, never published songs.

Part of me wants to say I know where they come from and part of me is too big of a scaredy cat to even think of the possibility of what it may, or may not be… but if it’s what I’m thinking, or even hoping, it’s phenomenal.

But all I KNOW is that me as C did not write them. But I do know someone who would and probably did write lyrics along those lines. Someone whom I’m currently not really on speaking terms with. But thinking? Oh we think together ALLLL the time. So much so that I’ve heard his fresh rythmes while laying in bed. Creepy? For sure. But also true.

It’s gone past feeling movement etc. Now, no matter what you tell me, I know I’ve heard beats and lyrics that I had no part in writing and never would. Songs about the apocalypse and rotting flesh etc… definitely not from my side of the thought process lol.

It’s like the more I trust my thoughts as well as convince my thoughts and convince the thoughts in my head to trust me, the stronger of a connection we make. This though also leads to a love hate relationship. It leads to disappointment when the thoughts I trust, don’t end up following through doing what they promise in my thoughts, if that even makes sense.

Either way, I guess my point for this post will be, how would you continue with your thoughts, if others could actually hear them? What if those conversations we had “with ourselves” “in our mind” were actually being had with the thoughts of the individual we were thinking of?

For real? What if? Would you have more kind thoughts 24/7? Would you be a more positive person? Remember we are souls/spirits living in these bodies for now, so what if every thought we have, is actually our souls communicating with each other. Each thought is a comment we will be held accountable for one day. A day that is coming closer and closer.

Just a thought you should consider.

Because I’ll be honest… it’s like I’ve been having out of body experiences. And they are amazing, but for some reason, I can’t stay there. And I would hate the reason to be the fact that collectively our belief is not strong enough in the idea of “heaven” per-say. But I have learned that music is the cornerstone of much of this.

That, and trust that it is even possible

-Foo Fighters/The Sky Is A Neighbourhood-


Joined at the Hip.

Controlling your thoughts has become paramount.

To the point where connections with others becomes more than just a “possibility” but a terrifying reality.

I haven’t posted anything here in a long time because at this point there are no words to describe what is happening. How do you describe the feeling of sharing on mind yet having two bodies? Did you create this world for the two of you? Was this world a byproduct of your thoughts? how much can you control? How much should you control?

Either way shit becomes real every so often and then after sleeping fades away. But I cannot forget waking up this Saturday morning with a sore elbow for no good reason. All day I couldn’t describe the pain. No it wasn’t a sore muscle. No it wasn’t from sleeping funny. No it didn’t need to be stretched or anything like that. It just hurt. In a new and weird way. Later that night, the person I feel I share this connection revealed to me they got into a fight friday night and injured their elbow. So now not only can we connect  with our thoughts, but our bodies are joint in a way we both never knew was possible

So where do we go from here? Are we the same person? A fear I have to let go of.

Do we have to have the same thoughts in order to successfully move forward? Another thought that crosses my mind… or our mind… or my half of the mind. I don’t even know.

Or do we have to forget about each other for the sake of the universe, which slowly melts away each time we believe we are this connected.

Or… The most successful thought we’ve had to date, do we both believe and therefore create a third party “God” to stand above us that has our best interest in mind. And the only way to continue forward, is by maintaining a complete trust in this “God.”

God being whatever we make it. A representation of love, trust, forgiveness, joy and peace? All things good? Equality? Rest?

Whatever way it is, it makes us go from two individual bodies sharing one mind struggling, to two people trusting a God who has our best interest in mind.

But then it’s become more difficult, because we have to decide what is good.

And we have been arguing about that.

This my dear friends has been hell on loop. And hopefully once we make it through we create heaven.

Girl Let’s Talk About Love Is It Everything You Hoped For? Or Do The Feeling Haunt You / This Maybe The Night That My Dreams Might Let Me Know

First off, let me say two things. One, I wouldn’t have wished this on my worst enemy or my closest friend, the journey has been long… but if you can push through, it’ll be worth it, but it takes a strength like no other. Two, I’m still in awe of what has transpired and hope that my faith in this will no longer wavier, and that the struggle is no more.

So… to start and get it out of the way, I told you about the night when my vision narrowed and went dark? Well when I finally had a chance to tell K and he asked me if it was such and such a time/day and that he went through something similar. So that was crazy.

The clues have been here all along, and getting stronger each step of the way.

It’s like our two bodies shared one mind/consciousness. And on this journey, we both started at our own starting point. with our own viewpoints and information set. But after we met in the physical, we slowly started to share information, and our subconscious minds started interweaving beyond our physical knowledge. Leaving clues and signals for our weaker “minds” or every day conscious thought along the way. Through music, and art and external simulation… basically everything we see everyday. It’s like our subconsciousness has the power to influence other weaker consciousnesses to produce this phenomenal encounter for ourselves.

The more we denied what we felt, or the possibility of this being real, the more the signals worked against us. But the more we both believed, the more our subconscious minds were working together, and almost working in the same direction, or towards each other, then the more power we had to make those signals both stronger and the more we acknowledged them with our physical bodies, the easier it because.

I started writing more (in a notebook)… and I believe he started writing music.  We haven’t been able to make it work, because our thoughts were at different parts of the “mind” at different times. But once we both made it to the center 2-3 nights ago, it felt like that moment when you are waking up from a dream, but still half asleep… but we could control it. We knew it was each other, and it was like we both passed through the center of each others half of the mind. It was like a funnel, like a tornado, but also like one of those sand timers. But the more time both of our consciousness spent at the same place, the intersecting point together at the same time, the larger it became.

And, so we were able to communicate through thought. With both of us maintaining full knowledge that it was happening in that moment. The more faith we had, the longer the feeling stayed, and the wider the opening became. Because the opening was made of our thoughts. So the more we shared the same thoughts, the more we shared the same “space” in the subconsciousness.  We could tell when we weren’t thinking the same thoughts, or having the same desires, because the “tunnel” would narrow.  It also has felt more prevalent since. Like, yeah… this is for real. And it’s unfortunate that I haven’t remember it before, because I feel like it’s not the first time this has happened. But now I know for sure, and there is no going back.

Now I’ve made clues for myself. I’ve written it down. I have faith in us.

So yes, I believe in soul mates. I believe in twin flames. I believe there is more out there than our human mind and conscious thought can ever contain at once. But two minds? Two minds can contain so much more than one. And when two bodies can figure out the path to open up the subconscious mind to one another through love and sacrifice, then there is true power.

Allowing the path to clear, wanting true happiness for each other, and accepting the mind and body and soul of each other to allow the thoughts to flow freely will allow the thoughts to feel comfortable enough to intermingle with each other.

We’ve done it. We love each other. We’ve made it.

No going back.

We are everything we have created. And it is amazing.

And this is the birth of love.

-Kendrick Lamar & SZA/ All The Stars-