Good job Twitter #RAW

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…: who do you listen to more? Mummy or daddy?
5y: mummy
…: why?
5y: mummy talks more


[Invention of the bullet proof vest]

Me: just shoot me, it’s all good

*single gunshot*

Me: *clutching my leg* the vest, Richard, shoot the vest


You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.


Good news: It works the other way around.

I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.



Twitter: Tell me I’m funny!
Instagram: Tell me I’m pretty!
Facebook: Tell me I have real friends!
Pinterest: Tell me how to knit a condom!


Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes


Halloween is the only day of the year you can ask someone “what are you supposed to be?” without triggering an existential crisis.


Me: Who are you and how did you get in here?

Him: I’m a locksmith. And, I’m a locksmith.


I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.


[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then