I can…and I will (but I shouldn’t)

I read something the other day about a “performance artist” who’s next work is going to be her giving birth before an audience in a gallery. Now, obviously, fuck this woman. She’s a pretentious asshole on every level. I don’t think anyone is arguing that (especially her kid 20 years down the line when he/she is in therapy trying to figure out why he/she was raised on bean paste and wine). But whenever this kinda thing happens, if stirs up this animosity in me. The animosity towards people who think “just because I can, I should”. This line of thought is most overused in all forms of art. Because, aside from extremely wealthy people, who is more self-entitled than artists? I’d say performance artists may be the pinnacle cause, to them, everything is art. music or acting isn’t even on their radar. You could sit on a babies potty and take a dump while reading esquire magazine and call it art as long as you’re in a gallery. The “meaning” would be on the person watching my art unfold , regardless of how arbitrary whatever you just did was.
But things like performance art are not that big a deal. Literally. No one really gives a fuck about that kinda stuff out side of a few snotty germans and creepy asian people. The “because I can, I should” mantra is way prevalent in lower rungs of art. More specifically, people on reality tv shows. Perhaps the lowest of all forms of fame. Right above “acquitted child killer” but still below “morning news show host”. It’s these fuckers who feel empowered to grab their dreams by the throat and piss in the mouths of those dreams. For instance:

(thanks to phat friend reader Casey H for the clip)
Now, i don’t know who this woman is. I can see she’s on “The Real Housewives of” something but I don’t watch that shit so, to me, she’s just another old woman who was probably hot in the 80’s. But, without knowing anything about her (for all I know she’s awesome and gives millions of dollars to great charities every year) I can definitively say she didn’t need to make a rap video. I don’t even know how something like this get bought in the picture. Talk about arbitrary. A rap song? Why not a cooking show or poem about menopause? I’m sure a part of it is her handlers and her management pushing her to expand her brand. A brand, I might add, that’s based entirely on being married to someone rich and being a housewife. But, regardless of what other people are telling her she should do, she fucking did it. She agreed to this shit because she could…and she did. This woman has no business making music. Neither does Jennifer Lopez. Neither does Kobe Bryant. They have no business doing it but they do because they can.
But , to be fair, most people have no business making music. The majority of dudes sitting in their bedroom with a pro-tools set up rapping over Drake instrumentals about their lavish lifestyle aren’t much different. But the separation between them and someone like


is that the average bedroom musician is just doing it for fun and it will never see the light of day. Where as anything the celebrity does will be heard by millions. That’s a real slap in the face of anyone who’s ever made a halfway decent song. Kim Kardashian could literally fart into a mike and it would be heard by more people that your favorite song from last year.

Shockingly, I don’t even think the entitlement these people have to make music is even the worst thing. It’s the books they write. Let’s be honest. ANYONE can make music. Not good music, but something that qualifies as a “song”. But to write a book…shit. Even a shitty book takes a lot of time and thought that I just feel most people do not have. Listen, I’m proof that anyone can write.I’m not particularly educated. I barely read and I consistently talk out of my ass. besides, no one reads this crap anyway. But you know who’s less suited to write a book than I am? Snooki.

Listen. I know people will buy something cause they think it will be so stupid it’s funny or cause they’re equally stupid and actually care. But a Snooki book? What the fuck could she possibly have to say about anything? unless she’s spilling the beans on a harrowing tale of how she lived in a crawl space in the attic for 10 years , while her dad routinely had sex with her and fed her only cold Chef Boy-r-Dee, it’s a guaranteed wash. Strangely, I feel like i’m falling into the trap cause the lack of things she could honestly talk about makes me curious to what she actually might write about. She got me! But, in reality, I’m sure it’s like an 80 page book with 30 pages of pictures where she tells people how to make a bee hive hairdo and how to be “A good person/guidette”. If she did , in fact, have anything to do with the writing of this book, I would be curious to see her first draft. I bet it was written via text in all emoticons.

Same goes for a Book about the life of Justin Bieber. How bout this idea…if you’re too young to vote, you don’t get to write an autobiography. 16 years on earth does not qualify you to even begin thinking about telling your tale.Your tale hasn’t even begun. But he could, so he did. And people bought it. That’s just how these things work.

There is one aspect of this that tends to backfire though. It’s when reality TV people try to become respected actors. Now, sure, when Kim Kardashian makes a song, we all hear it but no one takes it seriously. Still, she gets the youtube hits and Itunes sales so , in her mind, it went well. But when her or some dipshit from The Real World (the show, not the life you’re living in right now) decides they wants to flex their acting chops, it’s a wrap. While a few of them have made it into films in side roles, the peak for most of these guys would be hosting another Real world based show on MTV or MAYBE a commercial that plays on MTV. That’s entitled delusion at it’s finest.

The bottom line to all this is that these people are famous for wanting to be famous. They’re not talented at all and they figured just getting their face on TV would be enough. In a way, they’re right cause many of these people are millionaires (The Situation made 5 fucking million dollars last year). But what they’re incorrect about is that they will ever be anything more than just that: That person from that show. No amount of youtube hits or cameos on one tree hill will ever change that. If I could give them advice, it would be to flip the script and perhaps look into becoming performance artists. Sure, it’s way less lucrative but it gives a lot more artistic leeway for completely talentless dickheads to perhaps fool some people into respecting them. Then again, if I didn’t watch the Kardashian wedding…I’m pretty sure I’d skip the live birth too.

Bieber be Fuckin’

Listen, I know this whole “virginity” thing is a big deal for young pop stars today. If you’re making music for girls who may or may not be menstruating and you’re under the age of 18, you’re definitely rocking a purity ring. It’s the rules. Only young girls are allowed to be sexualized. Young men can only be sweet , boy next door types with a heart of gold and rainbows and a ken doll groin. But lets not kid ourselves. Bieber be fuckin’. In fact, Bieber BEEN fucking. I know dudes who looked like gargoyles that were getting laid at the age of 14. This dude is basically a pretty little girl with a penis AND he’s rich and famous. To put it in perspective, there is nothing more disgusting than a 13-16 year old boy. All they do is jerk off, eat and shit. If that boy somehow happens to be able to parlay some sex out of a girl, god forbid. That’s a normal kid I’m talking about. Your typical little dude going to school, doing his homework and busting 3-5 nuts daily just to stay balanced. You take that mind set and put it inside the head of a kid with a probable god complex, more money than he knows what to do with and thousands of willing ladies of all ages literally throwing their vagina’s on him, and it’s a wrap. I wouldn’t be shocked if Bieber has had so much sex he’s about to enter that weird “I’m over it” stage where he can only get turned on by strange fetishes. That’s old , weathered pro territory right there. The kinda shit drug addled pro wrestlers in their early 40’s, who live on the road , deal with. Bieber is basically a step away from being Jake “the snake” Roberts in the movie “Beyond the mat”.

I’m sure this comes as no shock to anyone with a shred of intelligence but it needs to be addressed in a public forum. That little shit is still pulling his bullshit purity angle when we all know , in real life, Beiber has fucked more girls that you and me combined. Honestly, I don’t believe he’s even religious. how can a person both follow the word of the bible and at the same time have a swagger coach? Yes, this kid has a swagger coach. That is, a person who teaches him how to have swagger. I know…I wanted to jump off a bridge too when I read that. I’m not a religious man but I just don’t see how you can closely follows the word of the lord while also upholding your swag. I mean, I guess you could have virgin swag but that kinda cancels it out. Virginity is kind of the opposite of swagger.

I’d like to imagine that the beibz goes into his swagger class , textbook in hand. The coach sits him down and the first thing he teaches him is “Get laid”. Nothing gives a person more natural calmness and confidence like just getting laid. Bieber is a 17 year old kid. His hormones are working on overdrive. I’m sure he’s jerked off with tooth paste out of desperation by this point so you throw some pussy in his face and he’s taking it. Hell, he’s been coached to take it.

Not to mention, he’s dating that girl Selena Gomez, She’s a former (current?) disney broad and we all know how those hoes get down. Disney actresses are like the catholic school girls of the entertainment industry. They’re created to rebel against their pure image. They may appear clean but more likely than not, if they’re not having tons of normal sex, they’re AT LEAST taking it in the ass (you know, to preserve the godly hole for their first husband or whoever).

I’m not naive. Neither are you. No one in their right mind thinks these purity rings actually mean anything. I don’t even know if Bieber wears one. If he does, there’s a good chance he’s lost a few inside some girls. I did some youtube research to see what the deal was but all I found were E! news clips and people commenting on how “Kissing, hugging and having fun” doesn’t equal them being impure. These people are obviously forgetting what being that age and having genitals was like. If you look at pictures of these two together at the beach, they can’t keep their hands of each other. You think that stops when the doors shut? Trust that, once alone, there is a whole lot of awkward finger banging, lame blow jobbing and short sex sessions popping off. The way it should be for two people their age.

New rap rule: Be better than Bieber

For a while I was a long time supporter of the idea that no person under the age of 25 should rap anymore. I was riding high on this until I heard the Odd Future camp and pretty much had no more case to make about anything.
Yesterday, I saw a link to something that blew my mind.
Yes, it’s your boy Yung Biebz rapping. Equipped with the swag and hand jive of real life rappers, J.B. flexes his lyrical miracles all over the place. Here’s something slightly different and more sugar-coated:

Now, here’s the issue. Yes, it’s infuriating that Justin Bieber Raps. Of course. But , you know what? It’s even more infuriating that he’s not completely terrible. He was perfectly adequate. His flow was alright. His lyrics were no worse than most of the crap the kids bump these days. It’s was just…fine. Which leads me to the fact that ANYBODY can rap. There was a time when you needed some sort of pass to even be allowed on the mike but those times are long gone. And , beyond that, being a “capable” rapper is fairly easy. Just subtly copy what ever’s popular now and stay on beat. If Bieber can so it, so can you. Lets not forget, Bieber is a white trash Canadian child. No one should rap less than him…and yet…he does.
It’s not just lil’ B(ieber).
Peep Rev Run’s brat ass son:

I can’t front. When I first saw this , I was impressed. Mostly cause , at age 11 (or whatever) , he had already surpassed his older brother , JoJo, as a rapper. The beauty of this is that JoJo spent a good deal of a few seasons of “Run’s house” focusing on his shitty rap group and trying to get signed. To anyone with a discerning ear, it was obvious that JoJo lacked all the basic components of rapping. His flow was off , he had a serious case of white boy voice, and lyrically, he was as big a piece of shit as he was personally. Diggy Simmons, however, can kinda rap. That must burn JoJo’s soul.

So, my point is, now that it’s clear that pretty much anyone can rap (except JoJo Simmons, who cannot rap at all), at what point will we begin to bring in some quality control? Now seems like the perfect time. The bar has been set. Bieber can rap. So, from now on, you must be at least twice as good as Bieber if you want to be a rapper. Deal? Deal.
Is there some sort of lawmaker I can contact to get the ball rolling on this? perhaps put it in the Constitution? Let a dude know. Holler!

(special thanks to Apex from Dujeous for linking me to the original video. Woo-hoo!)

Things that are wrong in the world PT. 3

Do record label A&R’s exists anymore? If so, do they sit in boardrooms , brainstorming how they can make the worst possible music ever? Or perhaps focus groups do that? Maybe there’s even like a like mathematical formula they feed into some sort of data base that shits out this kind of thing and all they do is add water? who knows…All i know is this shit makes me wanna jump off a cliff while stabbing my dickhole with a dull screwdriver.
Skip ahead to 2:12 to witness the realness