Sinner’s Prayer

What a sinful wretch I am, Oh God. My heart is torn between what you want for me and what I want for myself. Why do I never do what I desire to do? What is keeping me from following after you? Why am I bound when you said that you set me free? Ack! Curse this darkness that is inside of me. It keeps me from the good that I know that I ought to do. Little chains that bind my hands, and impede my movements. I am sorry that I put them on myself for a cheap thrill that faded like fire. Also, like fire, it leaves me as a burnt-out husk of a man. I am like the skeletal remains after a house fire. People pass me by, shaking their heads at the shame of a wasted potential. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I change? Is there something within me that is unable to change?

I know that is a silly question. I know that I am broken mess that can’t reform naturally. It is beyond me to even hope for change and to dream of reform. Instead, you promise this to me. You said that you were going to fix me. You promised this to me before I could form thoughts and before I could dream of hope. You said you would pay for my restoration and you would ensure my life. I know that it is my fault that I am the wretch that I am, but how long must I wait for your saving touch? When does this seed die and the plant rise to you? How long must I wait for the day of your victory?
Have you forgotten me? Did I offend you? Why am I still here in my prison cell? Why is change so freaking slow? Ack! Why am I still a sinful, prideful, ugly mess? What are you waiting for? I can’t change without you! You are my only hope, you are the only thing that heart has to look forward to. Without you, I will die as a wasted forgotten seed in the ground.

You are my hope. You are my restoration. You are my salvation. You are my good. You are my love. You are my vision. You are my joy. You are my potential. You are my worth. You are my dream.

I am nothing without you. You are all I have. I will wait for you behind locked doors. I look to the morning of the risen son for my hope. You are faithful, and you are good. You have promised me new life, and your word never fails. I will wait for the LORD of all to come.

A broken prayer

Oh God, Oh God, why have I deserted you?

Curse my sinful heart that wanders constantly from your court. What kind of wretch continues to stray after finding grace? How dark is my nature that it runs away from you? How did I run away from home?

Did I run because I can’t go home? I mean, home is coming on the wings of your return, and until that day I am homeless. Home is a long time coming. You have given me the deed, just to give me hope. Still, I keep walking off the path. I am deep in the forest of my own failure with no idea how to get back. I was too rebellious to follow directions, and now I can’t even find them. Forgive my chronic lack of trust, oh my King.
It’s not that I don’t trust you, I don’t trust myself. I don’t deserve your kingdom, and I don’t deserve your interest. Yet, there is no other hope for me. I am lost and blind. I have no light and no reference. I am truly hopeless without you. God, I have no idea why you want me. I don’t want myself. Yet, the cross is your answer. Somehow, you wanted me, and you wanted me so desperately that you gave your life for mine. What am I that you would do this for me? I am a blind rebel that chose to ignore you long ago. Why do you love me? Will I ever know? Will I have to wait until you come back to know? Probably.
I have no other hope except the hope you have given me. You have sworn to heal me. You have pledged my renewal. This is a hope that I could not have. I can only receive it from you. So come and find me. I am in the forest of my own despair, lost and confused. You can find me by my old sin, waiting for your glorious light.


Kaiju Squid.


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