The Funny 115 - version 2.0

#5.  J.T.'s Letter
Heroes vs. Villains - episodes 8 and 9

Ah yes.  And we have finally come to it.  The infamous J.T. Letter.  

Without a doubt this was one of the funniest and most awkward things to ever happen on Survivor.  

Dear Santa.  Please send a pony.

I don't have much to say about this moment before I write about it except this:

Remember how I said I used to write Survivor stories, a long long time ago?  Well this is one of those moments that I -never- could have put in a story.  No way.  There is no way you could pull off this storyline in a fictional Survivor season without your readers immediately calling bullshit on you.  

In fact, between J.T.'s letter, and Jonny Fairplay's dead grandma lie, I would have a hard time deciding which one would be the most impossible plotline to try to pull off in a story.  They were so bizarre and so memorable that they only could have happened in real life.  

Lucky for us, they were both also funny as hell, which is why they both made the top five on their respective Funny 115s.

"Did that dingleberry just give me a idol?"

Oh yeah, one other thing before I begin.  This one is important.

I'm sure you have figured out by now that I am not much of a Russell Hantz fan.  Yes, I know.  It has been very subtle.  I have been trying to hide it from you.

Yes it is true that I am not much of a fan of Russell.  I don't like what he has brought to the franchise, I don't like the way the producers and Probst fawn over him, I can't stand most of his crazy zealot fans, and I hate how it is implied that Survivor never existed until Russell arrived.  Also, it drives me nuts how he is considered an elite Survivor player.  As a classical old school first season purist, this shit drives me crazy.  


Let it be known that the only reason the J.T. letter storyline was as funny as it was is because of Russell.  

When you read through this entry, just keep in mind that the only reason it works is because Russell was awesome in it and because Russell sold it.  I mean, yes J.T. was funny.  Yes J.T. was kind of an idiot.  Yes Rupert was a moron.  And yes everyone remembers Parvati because of the way she read the letter.  But the reason this entry goes from "funny" and skyrockets into "fricking awesome" is all because of Russell.  I am not much of a fan of his, but I will be the first one to point out how awesome he was in this.  

Russell totally turned this scene into a Funny 115 masterpiece, and it is time that he finally gets credit for this.


So anyway, here we go.  J.T.'s letter.  From start to finish.

An entry that many people will argue should have been my #1 pick.

It is the eighth episode of Heroes vs Villains, and J.T. is on a mission today

His mission?  To find the hidden immunity idol.

Why is J.T. so insistent on finding the hidden idol at this particular point in the game?  Well that's easy.  

He needs to find one because he happens to be on a shitty tribe that is slowly being decimated.  

Shit (above)

You see, J.T.'s beloved Heroes are slowly being taken apart by the Villains Russell Hantz, and J.T. knows he needs to make some sort of a Hail Mary today if he wants to give his friends and himself a chance.


J.T. goes out in the swamp, he looks around for a while, and hey, what do you know?


Hey guys, I found an idol!

Rupert comes over to congratulate him

Colby is so excited he almost stands up

It is here that J.T. announces how they are going to use this idol to turn the tables and get back in the game against the villains.

"The first one of us that needs this after the merge, we'll use it."

Okay, got that?  J.T. plans to use his idol to help the Heroes get back in the game.

The only thing they have to figure out now is... what would be the best way to do that?


Over on the Villains tribe, the guy running the show and calling the shots at the moment is a man named Russell Hantz.  Perhaps you have heard of him.  

If you haven't heard of him, just picture Brandon Hantz, only taller, scarier, balder, and with fewer Mikayla-boners.

My penis is flaccid around lingerie football players

Russell is the king of the Villains.  He is mean and unstoppable.  He eats pieces of shit like you and Happy Gilmore for breakfast.

He also happens to be at the apex of his power right now.


Why is Russell so g.d. strong and powerful and insufferable right about now?

Well that's easy.

The reason he is so powerful is because last night at Tribal Council, he voted out Boston Rob.  

That's right, Russell took one of the greatest players in Survivor history, a player that indeed many people would call the single greatest Survivor player ever, and Russell sent him crying home to his momma like he was Osten at a petting zoo.

Commoner from Boston, you will kneel before Zod

With Boston Rob out of the game, Russell Hantz has developed even more of a god complex than he usually has.   At the moment, he is powerful and strong and confident and cocky even by Russell Hantz standards.  

And believe me, that is saying something.

The Bible was written about me.  I am Leviticus.

And so here we go.  You have all the backstory you need to fully appreciate J.T.'s letter and why it turned out to be so freaking funny.

Just remember, Russell is calling the shots.  Russell has unlimited power.  Russell controls every facet of the game over on the Villains tribe.  

And J.T and Rupert are both massive douches.

And here it begins.  The episode 8 reward challenge.  The Heroes are about to find out that Boston Rob was voted out of the game.

"Heroes getting your first look at the new Villain tribe."

"Boston Rob voted out at the last Tribal Council."

The Heroes see that Boston Rob is gone and they react with astonishment.






And here is where the comedy officially begins.

"So Rupert... shocked that Boston Rob is gone?"

Rupert, of course, immediately figures out what has happened because of his excellent logic skills.

"It sure looks like they got a women's alliance."

Yeah that's it, Bluebeard.

Sure enough, in less than two minutes, the Heroes have already deduced that the women must be running the show over in the Villains camp.

All it takes is one warning shot across the bow from General Rupert, and they are quickly all on board with this.

J.T. looks over at poor, helpless Russell and he makes eye contact with him


Did that shit for brains just tell me to hang in there?

Hey Probst get a load of this

And with that, the wheels of comedy are now officially turning.

J.T. and Rupert (and probably Colby too, assuming he didn't sleep through the challenge) have deduced that the women are running the show over on the Villains camp, and that KING RUSSELL HANTZ THE GREATEST AND MEANEST PLAYER IN SURVIVOR HISTORY is a sitting duck and now needs their help.

For some reason they take a guy who is this:

And they start to see him as this:

Russell, of course, realizes what is going on and he can't believe it.


And this is where we get this awesome confessional from Russell.

"When I found out that the Hero tribe thinks this is an all girl alliance, I thought they're makin' a huge mistake."

"There's no girl alliance over here."

"Rob got voted out because of me."

"If we merge, the Hero tribe, they'll let me know whoever they votin' for if they think I'm the one that'll flop."

"And why wouldn't I flop, if I'm in trouble?"

"If I'm like..."


As Russell sits there and laughs about the "predicament" that the Heroes now see him in, over on the Heroes side, J.T. has started to come up with a plan.

Hmmm, what would Stephen do?

So anyway, the Heroes win the reward that day.  They win a pizza party.

Yay!  Good guys rule!

They win the reward, but talk soon turns towards what they should do now that they see that Boston Rob is gone.  

What should be their new plan of attack?

"We may have won, but the villains still have the numbers.  We're still trying to catch up."

J.T., of course, hope right on board Rupert's retarded idea that the women are running the show.

"The moment Boston Rob left the game?  I knew the guys were not in control.  Because he was their best competitor."

"So it was obvious. There's an all women's alliance over there."

Poopert approves

And as the Heroes chow down on pizza and talk about the game, J.T. sits there and he ponders.


"That women's alliance is strong.  I bet they would eat all our pizza."


"That women's alliance is tough.  I bet they would point at my ass."


"That women's alliance in the 30's, they sure did hate Poland."

And sure enough?  By the end of the pizza party, J.T. knows what the Heroes have to do to get back in the game.

"Now Coach and Russell are on the outs over there.  They're sitting ducks."

Russell (left) and Coach (right)

"If we merge right now, we got them on our side in a heartbeat."

And thus it is decided.

The Heroes know that Coach and Russell are dead meat over on the Villains.  Why they know this, I'm not really sure.  But they definitely know it.  At this point it is being thrown around as fact.

It definitely doesn't help when Coach is voted out later that episode.

Trust everyone.  Slay no one.

*sigh*  Yes, I win again.  I'm awesome.

And so now we are to episode 9.  The J.T. Letter episode.

Russell is the last man standing on the Villains tribe.

J.T. sees this at the next reward challenge, and it just backs up his theory.

Damn that all female alliance.  They voted out Coach!   The women have struck again!

Holy crap, look who's missing!

Sure enough, Probst knows potential comedy when he sees it.  So he decides to bait Rupert again.

"Rupert, what's the reaction to seeing that it's Coach?"

"I cannot believe Coach is gone."

"You know, but that women's alliance looks very strong."

"It's kinda obvious."

"So J.T, obvious to you guys?  It's a women's alliance?"

"I would have bet my life, Russell or Coach, one was gonna be gone."

Oh my fucking lord these Heroes are idiots

The episode 9 reward challenge begins, and now we get one of the single best exchanges in this entire storyline.

This is where Russell just piles on the bullshit the best that he can.  

And sadly, for all fans of J.T., J.T. buys it.

J.T. takes his perch in between two walls during the challenge.  And he tries to make eye contact with Russell to say that he'll help him

Sad puppy dog

I got your back, friend.

Thumbs up.  Please do something.

The Villains win the reward challenge!   And that's when J.T. comes over to Russell and finally talks to him.

By this point, the Heroes are fully invested in the idea that there is a female alliance running the show on the Villains.  

Again, I'm still not sure why they are fully invested in this, but fully invested they are.

And at this point, the Villains have started to openly laugh about it.

The Villains at the Outback Steak reward.  They just sit there and openly make fun of the Heroes.

Courtney (imitating Rupert's growl):  "That all female alliance looks really strong!"

Parvati (also growling):  "It's so obvious!"

Courtney:  "I can't get this gravy out of my beard."

Jerri even sits down and gives us a hilarious confessional about this.

"First of all, there is no all girl alliance."


"Second of all, Russell's running the show."

"The Heroes have no idea what's going on over here."

"And it's awesome!"



And now we come to the part that you would never be able to pull off in a Survivor story.

This is where this entry goes from funny to downright ridiculous.

The Heroes are back at camp before the episode 9 immunity challenge, and J.T. announces what he would like to do with his hidden immunity idol

"If we win this next immunity challenge..."

"I got a plan."

Colby:  "Uh oh.  J.T.'s got a plan."

Candice:  "Let's hear it."

J.T.:  "This next immunity challenge guarantees us the finals."

"Well we're relying on a merge.  I'll bet my life in this game on it.  That we're gonna merge."

"Russell knows he's going next."


"Granted I get a chance to talk to Russell in the next immunity challenge, and we win..."

"I give him the hidden immunity idol."

"He votes out Parvati..."



Poopert approves

Ah yes.  The famous J.T. plan.  Give the idol to Russell.

You know, on paper, the idea isn't actually all that bad.  I mean, if you stop and think about it.  On paper, it actually makes pretty good logical sense.  If J.T. is correct, if Russell really was in danger, this would actually be a pretty decent strategic Survivor gamble.

Well okay, except for one little thing.

"There is no all girl alliance!"

So J.T. throws out the idea behind Plan Idiot, and the Heroes sit around and they debate it.

Amanda:  "How are you gonna give it to him, though?"

J.T.:  "Wrap it up with a sheet of paper, with instructions on what to do with it."

Later, Amanda and Candice meet up in the woods to discuss if J.T.'s plan is stupid or not.

Amanda:  "What do you think about the whole idol idea?"

Yeah I don't think Candice is on board with this

And now we get to the famous letter.

J.T. sits down to write his letter to Russell, and the editors immediately open the shot with one of the best quotes of the entire episode.  Most people forget about this quote, but the way the editors insert it makes me laugh every time I hear it.

J.T. sits down to start writing

Colby (inserted as an overdub):  "You writing your letter to Russell, buddy?"

Ha ha.  I love that quote.  The way Colby says it (eager, kind of sarcastic) sounds exactly like a father asking his son if he is writing a wish list to Santa.  

Seriously, listen for that quote the next time you watch this episode.  It will jump out at you as much as Yau Man's "I FOUND A LEMON TREE!" in the opening of Fiji.  It is one of those quotes you will never not hear now.  You're welcome.

J.T. pens his wish list to Santa

"Dear Russell, I am the prince of a small village in Nigeria.  I need a kind person in America I can send five million dollars to.  Please send me your social security number and your bank account."

Just kidding.

Here is the actual letter.

I love that J.T. has such girly handwriting.  

Quick side note:

Here is a great quote from a guy named Kodi in the Funny 115 guestbook.  He had something he wanted me to point out when it came to this entry.

"I remember the episode aired where J.T. flipped and booted Cirie, and a bunch of fans in the "Addicted to Survivor" group were like "Ooooooh, J.T. wrote in girly hand-writing so people would think it was Candice or Amanda who flipped!"  But then later on, it turns out it's just J.T.'s regular hand-writing.  Awesome.


Okay back to the letter.

Once J.T. is done with his tribute to comedy and irony, he sits there and he reads it aloud to the Heroes.

Just like Charlie Brown would do, J.T. reads it aloud to his tribe

For the record, here is the full text of his letter:


This is a huge turning point in this game.  This is not fake, I wouldn't waste your time or mine.
Just by competing against you and the few handshakes we've had I feel I can trust you.  That's
hard to find in this game.  Hopefully we are on the same page.

Play the idol tonight and save yourself.   All the girls should be writing your name down, so act
like you know you're going home.  You can stand up and play it right before Jeff starts reading
the votes.

I think you should write Parvati's name down and send her home.  No matter what, when you play
the idol, you're safe for the entire tribal council.

We will most likely merge at ten people and then you will be completely safe with us.  Our five plus
you will remain strong 'til the girls are done with.  We can then work on getting ourselves into the final

Still girly.  I'm surprised he doesn't put a Hello Kitty sticker at the bottom.

Rupert, of course, chimes in with some douchy Rupert advice he wants J.T. to add at the end.

"Write 'this is the chance to show you're not a villain.'"

"Ill put that at the end right here."

"Ask him what's the best way to get clam chowder out of your beard."

"Ill add that in a P.S."

"Ask him if he thinks I tie dye my pubes."

"I'll add that on the back."


"This could work, y'all.  If this works, that'll be incredible."

Yes.  If it works, that would be incredible.

Oh yeah, one last piece of instruction.  BE SURE TO READ THIS IN PRIVACY!

J.T. kisses the idol for good luck.  Please work.

Spoiler:  it doesn't work

J.T. puts the letter and the idol in his pocket.  Time for the ceremonial ass raping!

And now we come to the fateful immunity challenge.  Episode 9.  Time for J.T. to give his wish list to Santa Russell.

That women's alliance, they sure do have a lot of cranial accessories

Russell sees J.T. before the challenge, and again he makes eye contact with him.  Save me, friend.

I will, friend.


And the challenge begins

Midway through the challenge, Russell looks over at J.T. one last time.  Why?   Well because it fucking funny, that's why.

I got you, pal.


And now comes an exchange that a lot of people forget.  People forget that J.T. and Rupert weren't the only ones who came off looking like fools in this episode.

Now it is Colby's turn to look like an idiot

By the way, I love the end of this little exchange.  Russell doesn't even know Colby's name.

Russell turns and he smiles at the camera.   Jackasses.

Sure enough, the Heroes win immunity.  Just like they hoped would happen.

Heroes!  Win immunity!

Yay, we're awesome.

And sure enough, Russell walks over to get something from J.T.  Just like Colby instructed him to do.

"I love you, man."  "I love you more, man."  

Russell takes J.T.'s letter and puts it in his pocket

Godspeed Russell Hantz.  You be safe tonight.

Thanks man.  I owe you.


And from here on out, the rest of the episode is 100% comedy.

Russell shows the camera what J.T. gave him.

"At this point now I don't even have to find idols"

"People are actually giving me idols."

"You don't hand the enemy the idol, especially when his name is Russell Hantz."

"You don't do that.  That's a no no."

Back at the Heroes camp, J.T. and Rupert are gloating about the amazing move they just managed to pull off with the idol today.

It doesn't seem to occur to either one of them that this might actually backfire.

"Damn, we did it.  Serves them damn villains right."

J.T.:  "We're gonna make Survivor history with this one today guys."

Amanda:  "Yeah, I think so."

Rupert loves it

And now Rupert sits down for what might be the single most unintentionally funny confessional in Survivor history.   At least, among non-Coach confessionals.  As non-Coach confessionals go, this has got to be somewhere in the top 10.

"With Russell getting that hidden immunity idol?"

"Russell is probably beaming with excitement."

"Russell is probably having trouble containing himself right now!"

Woah, cool flying fish.

Yes.  Russell is indeed having a hard time containing himself right about now.

And now we come to the grand finale of the entire J.T. letter storyline.  The part that everyone remembers.

Russell takes the letter back to camp and he gets Parvati to do a dramatic reading of it.

Russell and Parvati having a laugh over J.T.'s womanly handwriting

The rest of this scene is now Parvati reading it out loud.

"Read in complete privacy..."

"This is a huge turning point in this game."

"This is not fake."

"I wouldn't waste your time or mine.  Hopefully we are on the same page."

"Play the idol tonight."

"For sure."

"To save yourself."

"Because clearly you're on the outside..."

"Of an all-devouring female alliance."

"I put that part in myself."

"So act like you are going home."

"I can't believe he's writing all of this!"

"He's tellin' me what to do.  He's givin' me pointers."

"I think you should write Parvati's name down and send her home."

"Our five plus you will remain strong."

I love this part.  As Parvati reads "we will remain strong", she punctuates it by making a fist.

"We can then work on getting ourselves into the final three."

"Big promises, J.T."

"Hopefully I can trust you Russell, and you're not truly a villain."


Russell:  "Yes I am."

"Let's do this together!"

"See ya soon."

"BFF forever."


"Signed J.T."

"P.S.  Destroy this right when you finish reading."

"And then it says something on the back about Rupert dying his pubes."

"Oh my God I can't believe he wrote you a letter."

Brett comes over to join them as they get one last laugh over the letter

"What are we, in fifth grade?  He's passing notes?"

"What is wrong with him?  Like, I cannot believe that kid won."

My BFF is an asshole.

And then, we finish off the debacle with one last awesome confessional from Parvati.

"Why would you hand a villain your heart?"

"J.T. gave Russell his heart."

"And Russell is just gonna stab it a million times."

"A million times over, and hand it to me."

"And I'm gonna eat it."

And sure enough, what happens to J.T. two episodes later when the Heroes and the Villains merge?

Hey look Jerri.  Why don't you use J.T.'s idol?  BFF forever!


Well look at that.  A women's alliance.

You guessed it.  The storyline of J.T.'s letter could not have ended any other way.

He was taken out of the game by his very own immunity idol.


And there you have it.  The only storyline (aside from Dead Grandma) that no one could have ever pulled off it in a Survivor story.

I am eagerly awaiting all the emails I am going to get about how this should have been #1.

P.S.  Here is a great quote about this entry from a reader named Taylor Cotter in the Funny 115 guestbook.

Hey Mario,

When you do the JT's letter writeup, don't ignore 22:45-22:50 of the 11th episode of Tocantins ("They Both Went Bananas"). This wasn't the only time JT was accused of being someone's BFF Forever!

I didn't remember the scene that she was talking about, but I looked it up and here it is.   Ha ha.  Thanks Taylor!

"Debbie and Coach were gonna think, well there go the Jalapao members."

"You know, BFF forever."

P.P.S.  You will love this.  When I was watching this episode a few months ago for my Funny 115 research, my wife was watching it with me and she happens to be a huge J.T. fan.   We got to this episode and all she could do was cover her eyes as it got towards the end.  I remember at one point she just kind of closed her eyes and moaned "Oh man, poor J.T."  

After the episode ended, and she could logically talk about it, she casually mentioned, "You know what's funny?  I love J.T. but he is so bad at reading people.  I bet his gaydar is terrible too."

Well I posted that quote on Sucks ("I bet J.T.'s gaydar is terrible") and within ten minutes somebody pointed out, "In Tocantins he said that Spencer couldn't be gay because he likes sports!"

So anyway there you go.  J.T. and his letter and his broken gaydar.  

I love that I get to end with that quote.  :)

I'm Russell Hantz

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