Oil Change Instructions

For Women

  2. Drink a cup of coffee.

Money Spent:
Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00

For Men

  1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, and cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
  2. Stop by 7 – 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
  3. Open a beer and drink it.
  5. Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car.
  6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
  7. Place drain pan under engine.
  8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
  9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
  10. Unscrew drain plug.
  11. Drop drain plug in p an of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
  13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
  14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
  16. Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filt among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
  19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
  20. Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
  21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
  23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
  24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
  25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
  27. Drink beer.
  30. Drink beer.
  32. Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
  33. Begin cussing fit.
  34. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
  35. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
  36. Beer.
  38. Beer.
  39. Beer.
  40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
  41. Beer.
  42. Lower car from jack stands.
  43. Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
  44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 – 43.
  45. Beer.
  46. Test drive car.
  48. Car gets impounded.
  49. Call loving wife, make bail.
  50. 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money Spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound Fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $40.00
Total: $4165.00

But you know the job was done right!

Author: Adrian Bacon
