Tag Archives: scotland

Twissblog Brexit special

24 Jun







Scotland votes to remain in United Kingdom for the weather and the food

19 Sep

EDINBURGH—after 307 years as part of the United Kingdom, Scotland came close to breaking away as an independent state on Thursday, before voting down secession by a 55-45 margin. In exit polls, Scottish voters cited their admiration for English cuisine, the attractive weather, and a healthy lifestyle as the principal reasons to remain united.

“Sure, I’d like to be independent,” said Angus McNae of Glasgow, minutes after casting his ballot. “But we would have to build our own dysfunctional multiparty system to replace the one we have now—it just doesn’t make sense.”

Alex Salmond, First Minister of Scotland and head of the Scottish National Party, made a lengthy concession speech, which unfortunately was completely unintelligible to journalists in attendance, but might have said something about freedom, or possibly something fried. It was very hard to tell.

Official reaction to the vote was muted. Officials of the Assembly of Newly Created Sovereign States expressed disappointment that Scotland would not be joining their group soon. “We just don’t understand why more countries don’t want to be like us,” said representatives of Kosovo, East Timor, and South Sudan.

IMG_0052-0.JPGScotland lost its independence in 1707 when its entire army deserted en masse to the English rather than “listen to those goddam bagpipes for one more goddam minute”

After ballot mixup, Scotland votes to secede and join Russia

17 Mar

EDINBURGH–After what authorities are calling “significant confusion” over the format of the ballot, Scottish voters on Sunday overwhelmingly favored seceding from the United Kingdom and becoming a province of Russia.

“Apparently the ‘butterfly ballot’ design confused some voters,” admitted Angus McFinneran, chair of the Scottish Electoral Council, referring to the design which led many Scots to select the Russian option when they thought they were voting for enhanced autonomy within the UK and a greater share of oil revenues.

Many voters also admitted to having been confused by the Scottish pro-independence campaign, during which First Minister Alex Salmond was frequently photographed riding a horse shirtless and diving for ancient amphorae in the North Sea.

Under the terms of the referendum, all state-owned assets in Scotland were immediately sold for fifteen pounds to Vladimir Ivanov, owner of a small grocery store in Glasgow. “Totally transparent sales process,” said the new governor for the Russian province of Scotland, Vladimir Ivanov.

Vladimir Putin, when informed of the news, was surprised but nonetheless expressed his full support for the idea. He said something that might have been in a Scottish accent, or perhaps was Russian, and then drank an Irn-Bru and ate a deep-fried Mars Bar. “Who are we to stand in the way of Scottish self-determination?” he later said.

Andy Murray wins at Wimbledon, cures cancer, defeats pirates

8 Jul

LONDON—Great Britain erupted in celebration yesterday as Andy Murray became the first British man to win Wimbledon since 1936. Shortly afterwards, he announced that during the breaks between games, he had worked out the last elements of a cure for small-cell carcinoma, and that during a rain delay, he had quickly ducked out to the Indian Ocean and rescued an Italian family from pirates who had seized their yacht.

“I’ve never been so happy to be Scottish,” said Andrew McDonald of Glasgow, taking justifiable pride from an accomplishment which had absolutely nothing to do with him. “I would have been happy enough with the Wimbledon victory. But then in his victory speech he outlined a new approach to large-number factorization—what a great day for our country.”

After a well-deserved fifteen-minute nap on Sunday night, Murray flew to Bangladesh, where he proposed a new inspection regime for garment factories that was so effective yet non-intrusive that it was quickly accepted by owners and workers alike. He then proceeded on to Japan, where he developed a new fruit-flavored coffee drink that immediately became the country’s top-selling beverage.

“This is a great day for Great Britain,” said Prime Minister David Cameron, who also played not even the smallest part in Murray’s victory. “I’m confident that this transient moment of sporting glory is much more important than any failure to resolve the country’s so-called deep-rooted social and economic issues.”

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