Humor #426


It can buy you a House
But not a Home

It can buy you a Bed
But not Sleep

It can buy you a Clock
But not Time

It can buy you a Book
But not Knowledge

It can buy you a Position
But not Respect

It can buy you Medicine
But not Health

It can buy you Blood
But not Life




A truer Friend you will never find.


Humor #425



















Humor #424


The doctor fell in the well and broke his collarbone. Which proves that doctors should tend the sick and leave the well alone.

They arrested the barber for running a clip joint.

Robin Hood and his merry men were in Sherwood Forest celebrating and drinking. Friar Tuck started to sing louder and louder with each drink. Robin, fearing that the Sheriff’s men might hear the band celebrate, dragged the friar into the woods and threw him in the river, but Tuck climbed out without missing a note. The moral of the story? You can lead a drunk to water, but you cannot make him hoarse.

When the Post Office delivers only some of your packages, the service they have just provided is Partial post

When a snail loses it’s shell it looks sluggish.






Little Johnny was one of those holy terrors. His dad was surprised when Johnny’s mom suggested that they buy him a bike for his birthday.

“Do you really believe that’ll help improve his behavior ?” he said.

“Well, no,” she admitted, “But it will spread it over a wider area.”



He decided to play the slots. Since he wasn’t sure how to play a slot machine, he called an attendant over.

“Excuse me,” Bob said. “How does this work?”


“And where does the money come out?” Bob asked.

The casino employee smiled and pointed to a far wall. “The ATM is over there.”



As if the stress weren’t enough, four-year-old Christopher insisted on asking questions about everything, told me how to drive better, and sang every song he knew.

Finally, fed up with the incessant chatter, I made him an offer: “Christopher, if you’ll be quiet for just a few minutes, I’ll give you a quarter.” It worked.

But when we stopped for lunch, I unknowingly began to harp on him. “Christopher, sit up straight … don’t spill your drink … don’t talk with your mouth full.”

Finally he said seriously, “Dad, if you’ll be quiet for just a few minutes, I’ll give you a quarter.”




I sat there at the pick-up window for a few minutes, wondering where they had to go to get my coffee, when a frustrated teenager finally came up and said, “I’m sorry for the delay, but the ice you wanted in your coffee keeps melting!”


Humor #423



A career Army officer I once met was jumpmaster for his unit and was taking up a few novices for a drop. The flight was pretty rough, and after a while, the jumpmaster called off the jump because of high winds. As the plane headed back to base, and the pilot pulled off an unusually smooth landing, two of the neophytes got airsick.

“How come you could take that rough flight, but you couldn’t handle the smooth landing?” asked the jumpmaster.

“Well, sir,” one trainee explained, “We’ve always jumped out of planes. We’ve never actually landed before.”





A tired minister was at home resting, and through the window he saw a woman approaching his door. She was one of those too-talkative people, and he was not anxious to talk with her. He said to his wife, “I’ll just duck upstairs and wait until she goes away.”

An hour passed, then he tiptoed to the stair landing and listened … not a sound. He was very pleased, so he started down calling loudly to his wife, “Well, My Dear, did you get rid of that old bore at last?”

The next moment he heard the voice of the same woman caller, and she couldn’t possibly have missed hearing him. Two steps down, he saw them both staring up at him. It seemed truly a crisis moment.

The quick-thinking minister’s wife answered, “Yes, Dear, she went away over an hour ago. But Mrs. Jones has come to call in the meantime, and I’m sure you’ll be glad to greet her.”


Sewing Machine Ad

The following is an ad from a newspaper which appeared four days in a row – the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day’s mistake.










An guy was visiting Oxford University for the first time. He stopped a passing Oxford don and asked, “Excuse me, can you tell me if that’s Trinity College I’m looking at?”

The don sneered, “You are probably unaware that you have just ended your sentence with a preposition. You may wish to rephrase your question.”

The guy thought for a moment and said,

“Can you tell me if that’s Trinity College I’m looking at, YOU JERK!”



Humor #422


Why God Made Moms

Why God Made Moms Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
2. Mostly to clean the house.

How did God make mothers?
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.

What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. We’re related!

What kind of little girl was your mom?
3. They say she used to be nice.

1. His last name.

Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world And my Mom eats a lot.

Who’s the boss at your house?

What’s the difference between Moms and dads?

What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don’t do spare time.

What would it take to make your Mom perfect?


From the Good Clean Funnies List (

Humor #421


  2. “Find Amelia Earhart yet?”
  3. “Can you hear me NOW?”

And the best one of all…


Humor #420



Bert: “Say, Ernie, would you like some ice-cream?”

Ernie: “Sherbert.”


A soldier was asked to report to headquarters for assignment. The sergeant said: “We have a critical shortage of typists. I’ll give you a little test. Type this,” he ordered, giving him a pamphlet to copy and a sheet of paper, and pointing to a desk across the room that held a typewriter and an adding machine.


The sergeant gave the typed copy only a brief glance.

“That’s fine,” he said; “Report for work at 8 tomorrow.”

“But aren’t you going to check the test?” the prospective clerk asked.

The sergeant grinned. “You passed the test,” he replied, “when you sat down at the typewriter instead of at the adding machine.”


It was halfway through the school year and the principal was lecturing the teachers during a faculty meeting. He presented a painful list of all their failures, flaws and shortcomings. The list of transgressions seemed endless. Then he announced that the science club was sponsoring a blood drive, and that, to promote faculty involvement, he would donate the first pint of blood.

An anxious voice from the rear of the room asked, “Whose?”


Miss Smith and Little Johnny’s father were having a parent teacher conference.

Miss Smith said to Little Johnny’s father, “Well, at least there’s one thing I can say about your son.”

Little Johnny’s father asked, “What’s that?”



A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.



A 75-year-old man in the back row stood up and shouted, “Wedding cake.”




“Each year,” he replied with a grin, “The upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish this courtyard.”

“So what’s the answer?” my friend asked him when we were out of earshot of the freshmen.

The guide replied simply, “One.”