Humor: Nuke it All!

‘Trump Suggested Nuking Hurricanes to Stop Them From Hitting U.S.’- Axios, August 25

HUMOR DISCLAIMER: This article is intended as satire and uses the tools of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule in the context of contemporary politics, current trends, recent school events, and other topical issues.

by Julia Robins ‘20

America’s Greatest President has done it again! Donald Trump has the head-spinning, jaw-dropping, brilliant idea of how to save our country from the wrath of hurricanes. How come nobody ever thought before to launch a nuclear bomb at hurricanes? Just imagine … the people staring up at the sky in fear of their homes being destroyed, in fear of losing their lives … and BOOM! Our Great Savior blows up the hurricane, saving countless lives. 

But this daydream is smashed into pieces by Democrats, media bias, and lying NOAA officials who disregard the President even when he was RIGHT about Alabama and RIGHT about the conspiracy theory of global warming. Our poor president was so victimized by Axios and CNN’s abuse he was forced to go back on his word through Twitter. 

Trust Trump; it is a matter of national security. Nuking hurricanes would work. Haven’t you seen Sharknado? Everybody knows life lessons are best learnt from television! And what about landfills? Best way to get rid of trash- nuke it! Do not waste water putting out forest fires- nuke it! Iran not behaving in the Middle East? Nuke ‘em!

According to the Congressional Budget Office, America will spend $494 billion on maintaining and building nuclear weapons in the next decade. What is the point if we do not plan on using our vast nuclear power to dominate the world? The Democrats are too afraid of “nuclear fallout” to even try. But Donald Trump will save us all from annihilation, starting with the most dangerous, uncontrolled risk of all: weather.

We need these powerful weapons to regain our place as the Strongest Nation on Planet Earth. There is a difference between radicalism and progress. Do we avoid the sun because it can give us skin cancer? Do we avoid climbing mountains because there is a possibility of falling? Do we avoid dogs because they can bite? No. Donald Trump is willing to take risks and think outside the box to save our people from devastation and prove to the world that America is the true world power by literally blowing up any threat that comes our way.