This Woman's Haunting Self-Portraits Reveal What It's Like To Live With Autism

"I want to diminish the shame I think we've all felt for not having it all together. The shame of being vulnerable, imperfect human beings."

Sara LeeAnn Pryde

Artist and writer, Sara LeeAnn Pryde, wasn't diagnosed with autism until she was an adult, but the 34-year-old says that from early childhood she experienced episodes that she describes as "implosion."

These "meltdowns," as she calls them, are the subject of a raw self-portrait series that captures the "just-during and after-effects of an autistic meltdown," which she describes as, "a tipping point, when the bottom drops out, where the world is suddenly surreal…all Kubrick-esque, dancing clowns and screaming behind my eyes, and my circuits are blown, and I lose all control."

She adds that the sensation is similar to what happens when you hold your breath for too long and you feel yourself start to panic.

Sara LeeAnn Pryde

"I lose the ability to reason or be reasoned with. I go mute, absolutely unable to form coherent words or to speak with my mouth. I pace, whimper, choke, sob, pull at my hair, pick at my skin, rock and hang on to myself for dear life. I am infantile, exposed, raw, terrified, paralyzed, utterly humiliated."

"Then, comes the numb. I am vacant. I am exhausted. I may stare blankly at something across the room, or fall fast asleep."

Sara explains that while parents of autistic children may be familiar with these moments, she says that as an adult, it's more difficult for her to "justify" these episodes. 

"It's harder still to accept and understand that an adult can, indeed, fully lose control, no matter how intelligent they are or able they appear," she told us. 

By sharing her story, she hopes to "be a catalyst for eradicating the stigma of autistic meltdowns."

"More than that, I want to diminish the shame I think we've all felt for being less than, for not having it all together. The shame of being vulnerable, imperfect human beings."

To those who want to comfort their loved ones who have similar struggles, Sara says, "This is primal. We can't fight it and you can't stop it. You can remember that every autistic person is different, and may need different things."

"You can remember that the person you love is wired in a way you are not, and you will never experience this from the inside-out, the way we do. (And, that's okay.)"

"You can remember that we appreciate you. Thank you for not making us feel defective, and most of all, for accepting and loving us."

"Autistic or not, we all seek understanding. We all want to know that there is nothing inherently 'wrong' with us, and that at our core we are okay. And, we all need a safe place to come undone."

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