My boyfriend (M34) made some depressing comments about my (F32) labia and I can’t get over it.

relationship_advice Original (deleted)
feverdream2020 1056 2020-01-09 03:55:06

Ok I need to start of by saying we have been together for 4 years. So he’s definitely had ample time to observe my labia. We were laying in bed post intimate time last night and he looked over and saw me kind of playing with my labia. If that sounds weird, after sex they are more sensitive and idk I like how they feel. I noticed him looking at me with a slightly weird expression and I asked “what does this bother you?” He responds, “no not at all I was actually just thinking do you like your labia? Or are you playing with them wishing they weren’t there?”

It was a weird comment but I replied that I did indeed like them and then asked him, “do you?” He replied, “ well when we first started dating and I saw them I was actually pretty disappointed with how large they are. But then I asked one of my friends if it was from you being worn out. He told me no women are just born like that and then I figured it wasn’t your fault so I could deal with it.”

Needless to say I was fucking crushed. For reference I guess my labia are prominent compared to porn standards but I never thought they were huge or anything. For reference if anyone is familiar with the porn actess Kimberly Kane, my pussy looks basically identical to hers. I always thought she was awesome for not getting labiaplasty and showing her natural self. I’m sure other visible labia ladies can relate. Anyways, it was really uncomfortable and awkward and I told him he hurt my feelings. He got defensive and said, “ well I’ve been with a lot of women and never seen labia like yours and I wasn’t into it that’s not my fault. But I love you now so I’ve gotten over it.”

I responded by pointing out that he is my first partner that is uncircumcised and how would he like it if I told him I didn’t like he’s penis but I knew he couldn’t help it. He didn’t see the correlation.

So I’m seriously contemplating ending this relationship based on his statements. We are otherwise happy and have had discussions about possibly getting married soon and starting a family. Which I really do want but this whole situation has me questioning everything.

He told me after I expressed how insecure it made me that if it was such a issue for me I should just get them removed. I was shocked. I really don’t know where to go from here.

TLDR: boyfriend admitted he initially didn’t like my labia and thought they were abnormal. Never reassured me that he liked them now just that he got over it. I feel completely unattractive and saddened by his comment. Considering ending the relationship.

Hotly_contested 1302 1h39m

I'm a nurse and have seen many vulvas in the course of my work. Visible labia are far more common than the porn-style cropped vulvas. Your vulva is most likely a standard vulva!

Perhaps your SOs experience with women is principally online rather than in real life? I made a point of telling my teenage son that vulvas (like penises) come in many shapes and sizes, and porn doesn't reflect reality in that respect. I never wanted him to make a girl feel bad as a result of ignorant comments.

feverdream2020 482 2h18m

That’s really great of you to make him aware of the anatomical differences/ variations in vulvas. You sound like a awesome mom. I wish everyone had education like that. Also thank you for your insight in general. I really appreciate it!

Hotly_contested 173 S 2h29m

Thanks! I recommend googling The Wall of Vaginas. It's an artwork made of plaster casts of vulvas. You'll see the amazing variety.

SinisterAlpacas 47 4h1m

Thank you for sharing that! I just looked it up myself and it’s comforting seeing so much variety. It’s truly empowering!

IdaSpear 31 7h1m

Yeah, it's a great piece of work. The problem is, if you point out that it is not, in fact, a wall of vaginas but a wall of vulvas, he gets really aggressive and nasty. No matter how you present it. Which I find particularly irritating. If a wall of male genitalia was referred to as a "wall of penises", I would be similarly annoyed. Sorry OP, taken this off track a little. The thing is, he sounds very immature and uneducated. Does he think people all have the same belly buttons? Does he think models represent the reality of all female breasts? All the best to you and my sisters and brothers. We are all unique and should find a way to celebrate that, not obliterate it.

404wan 17 7h54m

Thats a great one! I found this one as well, made me feel better about myself!


nomadickitten 2 8h40m

It really is a great educational tool. I used it to reassure a friend of mine who had similar concerns about her labia. It's a ridiculously common worry among women thanks to lack of exposure and education.

It's also a great resource to use for people who might object to looking at photos of actual vulvas etc. due to personal beliefs or discomfort.

rnbw_gi 112 3h53m

To add with u/hotly_contested comment, you should also check out the.vulva.gallery on Instagram. Every woman is different and this portrays it perfectly.

Also, if my boyfriend said that to me I would definitely end the relationship. I could never stay with someone that makes me feel bad about my body. I hate how most of the advice in this sub is "dump him", but in this case I would really dump him

laurennh 44 4h10m

Exactly! This 100%

You could not control how your genitals developed. How pissed would he be if you rudiculed him over something he could not control. Shape, length, girth, etc. And then tell him to get over it because you love him. That is ridiculous. Be proud and comfortable of your vulva! Pussy Confidence!

MF_Wings 5 8h39m

LOL, "hey boyfriend, are you always cold or is there another reason for your shrinkage?"

MissKStrange 2 9h15m

I was thinking "all those other women you've been with explain why you're penis is so shrivelled and tiny, you've worn it out!"

UnclePepe 30 8h13m

I had to go back and look at the title because my first thought was “Ok, cut this dude a break, he’s like 18 and has probably only seen one or two vaginas before and is at an age where he’s prone to saying stupid shit.” 34?? I mean... as someone who is prone to say a lot of stupid shit... this is award-winningly stupid.

isHonest -3 8h22m

I find small labia creepy, I think they look childish I'd say.

Yours are truly beautiful

madmaxturbator 4 9h25m

Yo don’t go the other route just to make op feel better.

Small labia on an adult woman is not childish, don’t call that creepy. It’s a body part that many have.

How would you like it if I said your arms are really creepy looking, just to make some other person feel better about their arms? Makes me a jerk right?

Instead I can assure you that you’re fine and beautiful, and so is that other person.

Ie. Labia size should not affect how one feels about ones genitals. What one has, so long as one is healthy, is perfect.

green_catbird 114 4h14m

I’m not anti-porn at all, but men need to be educated that it’s not a realistic representation. When I was younger I dreamed of getting a labiaplasty because I was so ashamed of them. But later I realised I was totally normal, and found a husband who is happy just to be down there. He doesn’t care what it looks like!

Ogatomio 52 6h13m

Same here! It's really important to be remembered than a lot of porn actresses get labiaplasty (and many other surgeries).

Porn is not real. Flawless skin, porcelain butt and smooth pubis are not real. No women applies a ton of make up all over her body right before sex

A pimple here and there is normal, a few ingrown hairs are normal, a stretch mark is normal, a huge birth mark between your cheeks is normal, "big" labia are normal.

T-rae26 15 7h22m

There is actually standards for porn a lot of the time and women have to be seen to have a certain type of vagina.

Google it. Certainly an interesting/fucked up read.

BitchySublime 4 8h34m

Yep, I remember panicking when mine got bigger because I thought something was wrong with me and used to always look up labiaplasty, even into my twenties. No way I'm doing it now, I'm fine how I am.

imdad_bot -3 8h34m

Hi doing it now, I'm fine how I am, I'm Dad👨

DongusMaxamus -9 7h15m

I agree but it's not just men who need educated about the fallacies of porn. Women need to understand that a giant horse cock and a 2 hour fuck fest climaxing with a gallon of cum is also unrealistic. In reality the porn industry has a lot of misconceptions to answer for.

bighairythingee 21 7h37m

I'm pretty sure most women know that isn't the norm.

slacker9719 1 8h54m

You would think so, but porn has skewed girls perspective on size. I have never seen porn with a guy that's below average. Do you see all the comments on different forums that girls think 8" is normal and anything less is small?

kiwigirl2822 3 9h16m

Not a single one of my friends has EVER thought that...

slacker9719 3 9h24m

I don't know of any of my friends that think large labia is odd, but, at least from what I've seen on the internet that isn't the case for everyone

luvyall 12 7h46m

Thank you for giving her and your son good advice. You really know what you’re talking about. Her SO is pretty immature, self-possessed and naive. To make such a comment to a woman he “loves” is super ignorant. If he hated her labia so much he should have left years ago instead of continuing to enjoy all the pleasure of her labia while secretly hating them. I think he has other issues the OP doesn’t need to deal with as well. I M50 dated a woman with extremely oversized labia. No way she could hide them even in tight pants. Needless to say the first time we made love I was really weirded out by how large they were. But I learned to enjoy them and soon found them highly sensitive and super erotic. I loved going down on her as she was so sensitive and appreciative. And resting on them was like putting my cheek on two comfortable and erotic little pillows. So not all men dislike large labia. I think any woman should feel fortunate to have such a lovely body part. I know I felt fortunate! So please OP, don’t let this bastard get you down!

Thissigncantstopme 802 1h44m


This comment sounds like he still has a problem with how your labia looks and it’s not something he’s gotten over. I don’t think the intention behind this question was to genuinely seek out how you feel about your body part. What he did was a use a cowardly tactic to voice his criticism about your body without being blatant about it. If his negative impressions about a thick labia were truly in the past and something he’d finally come to see them as normal, he wouldn’t be asking you if you wished they weren’t there.


Instead of reassuring you that there’s nothing wrong with your body since he’s “allegedly” gotten over his dislike, he suggests that you fix what he still considers to be a problem with your body.

The main question you should ask yourself is are you willing to spend the rest of your life with someone who is willing to ruin your self esteem and self image with such hurtful and stupid comments?

anarmchairexpert 348 1h58m

Yep. If he’d actually decided to love them as part of you, he wouldn’t be projecting all over you and suggesting that maybe you don’t like them.

Add that to the boob job comments and girl. No. He wants you to chop yourself up to conform to his arbitrary porn standards. And he thinks women can be ‘worn out’. This guy is a misogynist and he doesn’t deserve you.

feverdream2020 426 2h19m

Ya I’m getting worried he has some misogynist views I’ve been brushing off/ ignoring over the years and this finally was the last straw and I can’t unsee the real him. I know I probably sound dramatic but I can’t help but feel that way.

only_for_snek 206 4h24m

I'm pretty worried about what he's going to say about your body when you get pregnant and have baby...

mamiswag 54 5h29m

this is such a good point, especially after seeing her have the baby :( makes me sad. fuck that guy

anarmchairexpert 155 2h24m

It doesn't seem dramatic to me. He suggested that you SLICE YOUR BODY UP because he doesn't like it enough. I mean I guess he could also murder a kitten if you're not totally sure he's a shit?

ChairmanGonzalo 111 6h38m

Hes been with “lots of women” but was worried about you being worn out? :i

MAK3AWiiSH 24 7h41m

It’s a common sentiment unfortunately. As soon as a guy heard that I quit counting my partners in 2012 they usually head for the hills or decide I’m not “wife material”. Their loss tho honestly.

rimwald 8 8h9m

thats such a weird concept. the more sexual experience a woman has the more comfortable i'll be with them. while i'd never judge a woman based on her sexual experience, when i hear that she's been with several guys it gets me excited that she'll actually care about pleasuring me instead of the meme-esque "oh i bet you lay on your back better than everyone else becky"

404wan 43 7h49m

Not dramatic at all. I have... Big lips. Down there. Real fleshy. Never has any of my boyfriends said anything like that. I was insecure about it throughout my teens. Finally got a bf and asked him after a while if he disliked my large labia.

He asked me if I disliked his penis.

I stared at him incredulously and went 'what? Its yours! I love it!'

Him "yeah dummy. Thats how I feel."

This man is in his 30's. He actually wondered if you were "used up". My 16 yo bf, 19 yo bf after that and 26 yo bf after that loved my body because it was my body.

This is so not okay.

MjrGrangerDanger 39 3h45m

Not dramatic at all. You should be with someone who loves your body and is turned on by your labia. Women come in all shapes - it's so much more fulfilling to be with someone who's just excited and grateful to see, touch, and enjoy your body that they could never imagine shaming, comparing, or hurting you like that. True Intamacy is vulnerability and a wonderful gift. You don't shit on that like he has if you love and care for someone unless there are serious issues to be worked on, some fundamental flaw.

If you feel he has say a history of non adressed child abuse and needs to recover and your relationship is worth working on that's one thing.

Otherwise he is doing you no favors. Find yourself a man who worships your pussy like the goddess it is.

uglyugly1 37 6h30m

Misogynistic views, and the mentality of a teenaged frat boy. "Worn out" labia? Really?

rwilkz 9 8h56m

And the fact he discussed this with a friend!? A friend who's probably thought about your labia in passing every time you've met him. How humiliating. This man is trash. Leave him. The immaturity is staggering.

terriblemuriel 29 2h53m

Listen to your gut...

MiddlingMe 23 4h57m

You aren't being dramatic by listening to your instincts.

Nixolus1 9 4h38m

I think you’re into something there.

zedexcelle 5 7h4m

You don't sound dramatic. You sound like someone who can tell the difference between porn and real life, AND someone who is compassionate.

You sound awesome. I don't watch porn but was considering googling the name...

Crykin27 1 8h41m

you're not being dramatic OP, it is so important that you feel comfortable with your body and the way you look with your partner. it's perfectly valid to feel this way, I also don't think he got over it at all. he said some mean things, didn't care about how his comment made you insecure AND suggested surgery for it. to me it seems like that is where he wanted the conversation to go.. I think it's a good idea to look at past events too, did you ever notice other small remarks about he made in a negative way? and if you decide to break up over this, it is a perfectly valid reason, your partner should not make you feel this way.

BitchySublime 1 8h43m

And congrats for seeing what he's really like! Trust your instincts and don't let him talk you down. I've read through your other comments and he does sound like a misogynist. It's not just this comment he's made but all the others and his behaviours that are showing what he's really like.

nomadickitten 1 8h44m

You aren't being dramatic. You have very sensible concerns and deciding what you will and won't accept in a potential life partner is pretty important.

AJDx14 -5 6h8m

I think he’s not misogynistic as much as he is just an idiot.

[deleted] -33 5h14m


AmethystPeachy 21 5h52m

How do you know that nothing else has raised flags?

He literally told her to get surgery essentially because HE doesn’t like the body that she was born with.

OP, you are NOT being too sensitive.

orovang 1 9h13m


This! And then he tried to make her consider a possibility of plastic surgery. Obviously not a honest question.

catmunist_manifesto 752 6m

"asked one of my friends if it was from you being worn out"

😂😂😂 this killed me. where do men come up with this kind of ridiculousness 😂

feverdream2020 338 17m

I know. It sounds insanely ridiculous but it happened. Now I have anxiety that one of his friends knows what my pussy looks like to top it all off ugh.

catmunist_manifesto 332 20m

i mean this is just me but i would no longer be able to find sexual attraction to someone who thought something that... stupid. i’d remember it every time the possibility of sex started to come up.

feverdream2020 174 22m

That’s another thing I’m afraid of. I feel like it might be hard for me to enjoy sex with him in the future. I thought our sex life was great and now I feel like he’s just been working through it or something. Makes me feel awful

catmunist_manifesto 136 25m

well even after making that stupendously braindead comment, he also sincerely suggested you mutilate your body for no reason by “getting them removed”? uh yeah no one who accepts their partners body would ever say that.

sadcrocodile 16 8h7m

Honestly, if a partner said what your SO did to me I don't think I'd ever want to have sex with him again. I'd feel like... What's the point? You find my vulva repulsive and think I should get them cut off? Fuck that noise.

Also, looked up the porn star you mentioned. Perfectly normal ladybits, my own aren't that different. You have absofuckinglutely nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. If anything he's the one who should be embarrassed, the shit he said is the kind of crap you expect from /r/badwomensanatomy.

thepoopiestofbutts 119 2h34m

I had to double check the math, but this guy was 30 when he though that. That should be plenty of time to learn some basic human anatomy.

oonionknight 97 3h16m

Pretty certain the part about having "seen a lot of other vaginas" or whatever is untrue, like. Boy has only ever seen porn

archadious 43 4h47m

I am a male and I really feel bad with the way he express himself about a part of you, a have been with my gf for 6 years, about to get married, and I swear to god that the thing that I am more careful with is on how I express myself about her body. And to make it worse he tells you that if it bothers you you should get them taken off, wtf.... If he ended up saying that after you expressed how you felt with the way he talk about it then he really might be trying to not directly say that he wants you to get it cut.

Strong_Mogambo 81 4h34m

This is an insight into how he views women. Not only is he ignorant, he thinks your value is attached to how much sex you've had. His comments about your labia are ridiculously insensitive, and his reaction to you telling him he'd hurt your feelings was to double down and justify himself, not say he's sorry.

I don't blame you at all for re-thinking the relationship.

alanukis 1 8h37m

Yesssss, this!

imnewhere19 55 4h41m

This would upset me more than anything. Also, he was worried about YOU being "worn out", yet also said that he's "been with a lot of women" (and I assume doesn't consider himself worn out)...

Talk about misogynist double standards! I'm so sorry...I would have a hard time being able to be truly vulnerable with anyone who told me this...

Nixolus1 27 4h39m

His friends actually sounds like a better option tbh. At least he knows what a vagina looks like.

Penguin7751 9 6h41m

Why do you want to date a guy who has these kinds of unhealthy mindsets about sex?

sleepysaddd 9 7h6m

I can’t believe this man is in his 30’s! This sounds like something a 19 year old boy would do. Jesus.

Dikeswithkites 163 2h32m

My favorite part was topping it off with “I’ve been with a lot of women and never seen a labia...”

A lot, huh? Wait... so are you... worn out? Does he have one of those droopy foreskins?

It’s so stereotypically hypocritical that it’s laughable. And to believe that a vagina’s appearance, or even relative tightness for that matter, has any connection to being “worn out” or “promiscuous” in 2020 is insane. This guy is a fucking idiot.

[deleted] 47 2h49m

Did he also think if he pulls on his dick enough he can make it longer? Because that's basically the same thing he believed about OPs labia lol

[deleted] -27 3h0m


oonionknight 18 3h18m

Imma need proof of that chief, since last time I checked I can't flex it...
Like legit gimme proof that a dick is a muscle, please
Edit because there's no proof to be shown anyway, and PSA: a dick is mostly connective tissue, blood vessels, skin, nerve endings. The closest muscle related to the penis are what are known as Kegels (the ones you use to stop peeing without choking your dick with your hands)

imnewhere19 10 4h39m

I'm a woman, but I had to laugh at the image of a man trying to flex himself down there. I mean, do you even lift, bro?

Also laughed at the image of choking yourself to keep from peeing

Dikeswithkites 5 7h7m

The penis is not a muscle, but doing male kegals (you just intentionally start and stop peeing a couple times every time you go) is recommended to improve the fullness of erections and help with prem ejac. While you can’t flex your penis like a bicep, you can absolutely flex a muscle that moves the penis and strengthens erections. That guy has since deleted his comment and I’m assuming from the reaction he got that he said this in a really stupid fucking way. It is true though that there are muscles you can exercise that improve your erection.

Combaticus2000 12 3h28m

Check out the big brains on this moron

[deleted] 12 3h51m

No dude. It sounds like you've been getting info from the same source as OPs BF. The penis is not a muscle. It does have smooth muscle in it, but you can't "exercise" smooth muscle like you do your arms or legs. Smooth muscles are controlled by the parasympathetic nervous system, which works automatically. It is not controlled by the part of the brain that actively thinks "move body part" and it moves. It works like your stomach muscles and colon muscles work automatically to digest and move food through your body, or like your heart is a muscle that beats whether you think about it or not. You can't think to make your heart stop, like you can think to relax you leg muscles.

You do have pelvic floor muscles beneath the penis that you can contract, so it may feel like you're flexing your penis, but there is not muscle inside the actual penis you can flex, so you can't actually workout your penis to increase the size. If you work out your pelvic floor muscles, it will help you control ejaculation so you can last longer, but it will not increase the size of your penis. It doesn't work that way.

PNWestGuy 36 2h18m

When I was 13 and all the big kids at school told me I believed it. Sex Ed was next year and I asked the teacher if genetalia get worn out and he laughed hysterically, stopped himself from crying basically and said no, your dick won't stay hard and a vagina won't stay open.

Azuhr28 31 2h30m

After hearing this Comments, I always ask myself "Doesn't this grown up Men learned anything about Female Anatomy?" I mean, you are 32?

oonionknight 13 3h22m

To be fair, it seems in a lot of countries people (mostly men I'd say) have to figure everything by themselves. E.g: the labia/tightness thing, also the dude trying to tell people that a penis is a muscle, in a comment a bit above, lmao

TimeElemental -27 2h43m

“Hasn’t this grown man learned anything about female anatomy.”

Grammar my dude.

Azuhr28 32 2h45m

Sorry, English isn't my first Language

juneXgloom 13 3h3m


WannabeI 5 5h15m

The man obviously appreciates good grammar.

Twat, if you'd be so kind.

malYca 16 2h19m

Incel forums?

MikeyTheGoblinKing 4 4h26m

You have to wonder about the kind of guy who would ask his mates this. We all know one

Odysseus_is_Ulysses 2 8h58m

Poor sex education. It’s not exclusive to men, though it does seem men are more verbal and more aggressively ignorant about it. I’ve had girls I’ve been with ask me questions about how my downstairs department works. Hell a friend of mine didn’t know she didn’t pee out of her vagina until she was about 17.

Tygie19 2 9h10m

Yeah this bit got me too. WTAF. And OP can you imagine it’s going to get any better if you have a baby with him? I’m not saying it all falls apart down there, but it’s normal for the vulva to look a little different after you’ve gone through a pregnancy and birth. I don’t have children with my current partner as we’re both divorced, but he’s as happy as a pig in mud with my vulva and it really is reassuring, especially since I’ve had two babies and I am a little self conscious about it. He makes me feel good about my body.

SonofLelith -19 4h53m

A woman probably thougth of it....to shame someone. This is too mean and too "clever" to come from a dumb ol guy.

Edit: The comment I replied to said it was a dumb man-thing to say. I simply turned the table and is downvoted immediately. The hypocracy is real!!

PNWestGuy 458 2h16m

Congrats on making it somehow 4 years without knowing this guy doesn't understand the female body to a literally memeable degree

feverdream2020 171 2h30m

Haha ya I’m definitely feeling like a idiot right now. Believe it or not it’s never come up before this moment. He’s said some weird things about big dicks permanently stretching vaginas out before that I rolled my eyes at. But I feel like that’s a common thing that men think? Maybe I’m wrong.

PNWestGuy 120 3h6m

Maybe if you're a teen or have zero sex Ed. I hope it's not common, but then again I can't speak for the whole gender

BATMANS_MOM 16 9h11m

Right? The part I’m still shaken up about is that he assumed her visible labia were because she was “worn out”. And then when he wanted answers, instead of doing research he just asked his buddy (who apparently is much better educated, fortunately) to figure it out. How can someone be so clueless?

Whenthemoonisbroken 66 5h46m

Only idiots think that. Has he not seen the size of a newborn?

BadGuy_ZooKeeper 24 9h4m

He probably things that vaginas are "destroyed" after childbirth.

Like, men marvel at the size of the shits they take, even sending pictures to their friends. But you never hear about their asses being stretched out from take a large bowel movement. The muscles return to their previous size. But they can't see how that would translate over with women during "non catastrophic" childbirth or sex with big dicks.

Eli_Siav_Knox 30 8h21m

Who thinks this... honestly sometimes I read this sub and get really fucking surprised at the things women let fly...

CannotCopia 1 9h18m

Oh boy, do I have a treat for you: r/badwomensanatomy

evileen99 24 9h2m

It's a common thing that incels and misogynists think.

SerCrumb 10 8h50m

Hi, I'm a man and even without particularly good SexEd or thorough conversations on the topic never really was taught this particular piece of idiocy. I did however hear it discussed in "Locker room talk" by jock-type idiots as teens.

So I'm guessing this is a common misconception in some men, and it probably says a lot about what kind of environment they surround themselves with if they think that beyond their teenage years.

2friedchknsAndaCoke 8 9h3m

It's a vagina, not pantyhose. IF that were true, no one would ever have sex after having their first baby. Does his dick get smaller every time you have sex, like a sharpened pencil?

Bambus174 -27 7h58m


Moving past your original concern, this is highly disturbing. There is no correlation. Circumcision is a genital mutilation. Why would you think it is a standard and something desired to have??

BabyyyDoll 12 9h3m

Cutting off part of the labia would be genital mutilation as well.

Bambus174 -3 9h12m

No one ever suggested that she should do so. Unless you are suggesting that the genital plastic surgery of genitals that some women are choosing to undertake (and neither anyone suggested that she should) is also genital mutilation. Becuse then you are insane.

slacker9719 6 9h2m

The correlation is differences in genitalia that the person cannot control. Yes parents still circumcise there boys (this is not the discussion to get into why), but that's how they are and theres no changing it, same as large labia or hidden labia in girls.

procrastinator3000v2 370 10m

He thought women get "worn out"? Found yourself a real intellectual there. Insensitive too. Sounds like a catch.

I'd be figuring out my escape plan. It's not what he thought, what he said, or that he was dumb enough to say it to you. It's the way he acted afterwards that would have me packing my shit.

Sherbertsommers 86 30m

Agree. Instead of realizing he was being a jerk he doubled down and suggested unnecessary and unwanted plastic surgery.

istara 40 3h20m

And he’s 34. Thirty-fucking-four!!

sonicslasher6 5 9h9m

Holy shit I even read the title but instantly forgot pictured him as like 18 after reading the post

Complete_Entry 33 1h42m

I believed that shit up until high school but then my health class was pretty decent. If dickhead boyfriend grew up in an abstinence only county, I can totally see him believing such locker room horseshit.

That's not a defence of the dickhead by the way, porn has totally conditioned dudes to want "innies". The fact that he thinks that his deal isn't important, but that his girlfriend should chop bits off to make him OR her happier, that's a repellant fucking position, and OP would not be wrong for removing this dickhead from her life permenantly to make herself happier.

Thotsithinknots -28 1h39m

Nah, everybody has hangups in relationships but people do make compromises. He noticed at the beginning but likely doesnt care anymore. I had a similar issue with tatoos and a another with strange nipples. Eventually you get lost in the individual and that stuff just goes away.

SilverFox8188 42 2h11m

But OP's boyfriend didn't make mention of getting lost by her, but rather defended his bullshit statement, then continued with the fuckery by suggesting she get surgery. Not the same thing. Normally I'd write this off as a bonehead statement, but he kept going with it and personally I'd be selfconscious about it from then on.

Cara6190 -32 2h19m

Well ok so he did think that but it sounds like as soon as he was told the truth, he understood and believed it which means he was told the wrong thing and got confused, NOT that he actually cares what her labia look like. it sounds like he would care if it was the case that she had slept around a lot before she met him. But the OP hasn't clarified if this is something that she cares about, if it is the case that she wants him to not care if it was the case that she slept with a hundred people before she met him even though she of course hasn't. I think the OP should have an honest discussion with her boyfriend as to what she is feeling and what it is he actually cares about, but unless something else comes up out of that discussion beyond what she's already said here, then I think she should stay with him. What her boyfriend said about cutting her labia down is disturbing, but it kind of sounds like that was coming from a place of frustration that she wouldn't just dropped the issue and not like he actually was telling her to do that. What he should have said was that if this issue was bothering her so much when in his opinion it shouldn't be, then maybe she should consider talking to another trusted friend about it or maybe a therapist. but not to cut down her labia.

Sherbertsommers 352 42m

I looked up Kimberly Kane and I feel like she looks normal. Plus obviously if there are adult actresses that look that way it's not an issue or even something most people would think about.

feverdream2020 211 44m

That’s reassuring. Maybe I’ve been seeing too many incel posts about “roasties” or something. I felt like my labia are normal but his comment of never seeing any like mine made me question that.

Piffli 181 5h15m

The problem is not your labia, but your boyfriend. I feel it so disrespectful that he would go to his friend and explain this to him, that his first thought about it was that you have been worn out. Fuck that. Get someone who will make yourself feel cherised instead of making you feel bad about a totally normal part of you.

Edit: typo

Nimble16 -4 8h47m

He was ignorant and sought advice. When I was in college a friend told me that women with a large thigh gap got that way because they were getting fucked all the time and at first I believed him because I did not know any better. This obviously could not be further from the truth but my point is that misconceptions are everywhere and I don't think you should count him out because he was ignorant and wanted to know more.

Piffli 11 8h52m

Yes, but there are other ways to know. Imo discussing your SO's intimate parts in detail with your friend(s) is disrespectful.

rwilkz 9 8h59m

Exactly. Google is a thing that exists. If he'd googled the phrase ' are large labia abnormal' he would have known in about 3 clicks. But no, his first thought was to discuss the appearance of his girlfriends genitals to check with his friend whether he'd been trapped by a 'roastie'. Gross.

Nimble16 1 9h3m

I agree, it is disrespectful. I have never discussed intimate details about my wife or past partners with anyone else. I do think though that it could be that he simply did not know any better. There are other comments that he made that make everything look much worse like he is obsessing over her genitals but in a vacuum I would look at this one thing as being innocent.

Piffli 3 9h11m

As someone else already replied, Google is a thing. Google was a thing 4+ years ago. Ignorance or not, there are non-disrespectful way to go on about if you want to learn about these things.

otpancake 75 5h32m

And even if your labia looked weird as fuck, that's not the problem !

The problem is him thinking an appropriate thing to reply when you told him his comment hurt your feelings is "oh u can always get it fixed tho !"

TimeElemental 60 2h45m

Find a real man. Genitals all look different. I’m guessing he won’t go down on you either?

Sherbertsommers 46 55m

I feel like I've heard people talk about so many appearance preferences but I've never heard anyone care about this. And it's not like people keep it PG either. People are perfectly happy to tell you they like shaved/unshaved/pierced etc.

Maybe he had limited experiences or partners before you. Not that that is an excuse to act like he did.


I think the problem here is your boyfriend's misogynistic comments and clear lack of desire to make you feel good about your own body.

Do you really want to spend your whole life with someone who suggests they don't like your labia, who thought your labia meant you were used up, or who encouraged you to get surgery for no reason besides their own selfish desires?

I personally could never get past the comments he made and I'd likely end the relationship with him before it destroyed my self confidence.

krrcjr121612 3 9h13m

I felt weird about myself too until I found a tindr blog dedicated to showing women that all vaginas are different and beautiful. Women sent in anonymous photos of themselves (i even did it!) and it was really eye opening. I don’t remember what the blog was called and it’s probably been taken down by now but you should look into that.

Your vagina is just another body part. Everyones body parts look different. People’s hands are different, peoples feet are different... my labia look like yours and i have grown to love them because why the hell not? This is the only body we get for (hopefully) 80 some years, I might as well find a way to love it.

i adore my girlfriend and never have i ever thought anything like this about her private parts? Even my ex husband was a total doucher and still kinder than your boyfriend in this regard. I agree with your comment that there have probably been other things that he has said similar to this that have been brushed off

Aside from what others have said about how will he feel once you’re pregnant, how will he act toward your daughters if you had them? What if they have any type of deformity? What if they are overweight? I don’t think i would want children with a man who a- thinks that labia is affected by the amount of partners b- thinks penises stretch out vaginas and c- doesn’t listen when i say “what you are saying is hurtful “.

Your comparison to his uncircumcised dick was great and the fact that he can’t even try to put himself in your shoes to see how he is making you feel shows he is immature and selfish. Its not like he said they bothered him and you taught him how all vaginas are different and told him it hurt your feelings and he was like “oh shit I didn’t think of it that way “... he admitted he didnt know basic female anatomy, then was taught about it by a friend, then still had the audacity to make these comments even after you told him your feelings were hurt. That sounds like a partner who doesnt love you like you love them or at like you deserve to be loved.

You’re not being dramatic, i think this is a huge red flag and that others have been ignored (which is so easy to do, but dont ignore this one). If he’s not willing to learn and be a compassionate human being then he’s not someone you want to marry and have kids with. At least he shouldnt be.

Fromthebrunette 39 2h31m

I did the same. Kimberly Kane looks normal. Her labia look like she is a bit of full, blown rose, but not all the way. There’s nothing wrong with her labia or yours. The only thing you to do is ditch the insensitive boyfriend.

Ratatoski 297 1h52m

One terribly insensitive comment is sort an "honest mistake" that can be fixed with asking for forgiveness. But he just kept going over and over again.

What he is basically saying is "Your genitals are ugly, but I'm such a good person that I'm ok with it because I love you. You should definitely mutilate your perfectly natural body if my ignorance and me being an asshole bothers you in any way. That way I'll feel better. "

I don't know if that is someone you'd be interested in a staying with. I hope he is the best person ever in every other aspect to weigh up. But then I saw he suggested boob job. Sigh. And his age...

This guy is a dud.

feverdream2020 180 2h23m

I had previously though before all this that we had a good relationship. He’s really sweet to me sometimes and hyper critical other times. I think I’ve been seeing our relationship with rose colored glasses on. My best friend has always told me that it’s obvious I love him way more than he loves me and I think she might be right.

His comments of me needing a bob job were after I send him a lingerie selfie trying to spice things up while we were apart for a few weeks. I’m pathetic for accepting that I know. It’s just hard to see in the moment. I just always think he’s probably right. It sounds really sad admitting that.

throwaway7314288 80 3h49m

Don't beat yourself up about it. We all make mistakes and have accepted behavior that we shouldn't have. You're here for an outside perspective because your instincts are telling you somethings wrong here. Now you know you aren't dramatic or unreasonably upset. He was definitely trying to manipulate you into hating your body. That's disgusting and not real love. Find someone that deserves you. At his age, he should have more emotional intelligence and understand bodies. I don't believe for a second he didn't know labia could look like that. I feel like he did this to plant negative thoughts in your head to manipulate you into surgery. Don't let him play you. Tell him you're done, block and delete him from your life. You'll end up with someone way better and he'll end up alone with his shit judgemental personality.

Ratatoski 59 4h18m


Gah! Some people are evil assholes trying to break down their partners self worth so they can control them. Others are terribly immature and hurt others deeply without even thinking about it. In any case this is unacceptable behaviour even for a teen or 20-something.


Not pathetic. We let our SO's in through our defenses assuming that they would not hurt us. You are trusting, looking for the best in people and perhaps have a few insecurities. Be kind to yourself.


Now you have both our outside perspective. And a far more well informed perspective from your friend. Seems like s/he has your back, trust your friend.

wwwooowwwzzzaaa 16 6h17m

If he is asking you to change your body now with surgeries, what is he going to be doing after you have kids?

otpancake 9 5h39m

I dated an hyper critical dude more than once and I feel you. Weirdly their comments made me want to up my game (too me forever to realise that they were bitter pieces of shit and I was not the problem here)

quickwitqueen 7 8h11m

Oh fuck no. This douche is emotionally abusive. He also sounds like the kind of guy who will belittle his daughter as well. Do you want that for your child?

BitchySublime 5 8h39m

Huge red flag if your friend is saying that to you. Is he really sweet or does he just seem sweet after how hyper critical he can be? The boob job comments are disgusting, I couldn't imagine my boyfriend ever suggesting I surgically alter my body for him, he'd never want me to and you should be with someone who wouldn't ask you too either. Or be a coward and keep criticising you, putting the idea of plastic surgery into your head so when you finally do it it was "your decision" all along. He sounds like a terrible boyfriend and person. Do you really want to spend your life married to this guy and never feeling good enough? Or leave him now, and be happy with a decent guy who will actually love you as you are?

alanukis 4 8h36m

You’re not pathetic, he’s emotionally abusive.

His is not normal or healthy behavior. Nobody has the “perfect” body, I don’t find some parts of my SO’s body particularly beautiful, but I’ve learned to love them as part of him, and I’m sure that’s true for you as well.

And, beyond that, he sounds SUPER misogynistic, thinking way too much about how a woman should look like, instead of worrying about how he feels towards you.

Suggesting plastic surgery is a BIG red flag. Not cool. Not ok.

loewentochter 2 7h50m

You deserve so much better! Everything you’ve said here paints the picture of an insensitive, insecure man who cares more about what you can give him than how you feel.

I know it’ll feel hard to „give up“ on a four year relationship, but he’s weighing down your confidence and happiness. I wish you all the best!

durexman2002 1 9h8m

Oh yeah. Time to wake up and leave him. That Boob job comment, after your attempt to spice things up? And that original post interactions is just crazy. Time to close that door and stop wasting time. This break up is eventually going to happen.

theseasonsummer 140 4m

I don’t blame you at all for feeling that way. If my boyfriend said something like that I honestly don’t think I would be able to get over it. I’m so sorry you had to hear that.

Obviously it is totally up to you with what feels right moving forward, especially because you have been together for a few years. At 34 I also find it surprising he has never seen a vagina like that. But, I’d also take this time to evaluate if he’s ever said similar things before. Surely, this isn’t his first shitty comment after 4 years.

feverdream2020 115 18m

Ya he’s definitely said things before that were insensitive. I feel like this is just the lowest of the blows from him to be honest. He’s mentioned before maybe I should get a boob job as well.

silvernikki 106 48m

What?! Doesn't sound like he appreciates you at all. Time to make your exit.

off_brand_gobshite 41 1h52m

OP, what if being a massive dumbdumb is a sexually transmitted condition? DON'T RUN THE RISK, SIS.

[deleted] 30 2h9m

Girlieeeee. Red flag #2. It sounds like you have a great relationship otherwise, but these are things that don't go away. He'll make insensitive remarks again. Is this really someone you want to have kids with?

chickplank 14 3h32m

These words erode self - esteem. Love does not do that.

Azuhr28 21 2h36m

Sound like he sees you as an Object, not a potential Lover

SilverFox8188 15 2h13m

Ohhhhh hell no. Sounds like he's settling and frankly OP you don't deserve that. :(

disasterousemu 2 8h47m

*thinks that he's settling FTFY

wwwooowwwzzzaaa 8 6h15m

So he wants you to get invasive surgeries to tailor your body the way he wants it? Buy him a freaking blow up doll. These are giant red flags if I have ever seen them.

RshaWithLove 6 2h46m

How are you still with him?

crybbiesx 5 3h37m

omg op i’m so sorry, but you deserve better. your bf shouldn’t be making comments like this. to me, he seems like an asshole. any guy that makes insensitive comments about their girlfriend’s physical appearance is a piece of shit. he shouldn’t be putting you down like this. he probably doesn’t mean to come off as hurtful, but hearing these things from my partner would’ve crushed me as well and it’s just not okay to try to make your partner alter their physical appearance with plastic surgery just for their personal preference.

i am so sorry for what you’re going through, but don’t let his insensitive comments get to you. i know it’s hard— but your boyfriend should not be making you feel like you need to change your body. he sounds super immature and i honestly can’t even believe guys like this exist. reading this post hurt me and i can’t imagine how hurtful it must be to hear something like this from your own bf. i’m sure he’s a good guy other than making insensitive type comments about your appearance, but that just screams “red flag” to me and you deserve so much better than someone who is going to destroy your self confidence. this isn’t okay at all.

i don’t want to come across as rude or be the type to insist that you dump him because it’s 100% up to you, but this stuff just is not okay imo. maybe if this was the only occasion of him making an insensitive remark about your physical appearance, but you’re saying that he’s done this before and more than just once— which i think is unacceptable and he doesn’t seem to realize that suggesting to your gf that she should get plastic surgery to “fix” or “improve” her body is super fucked up, disrespectful, and just flat out not okay. he knows it’s getting to you, and the fact that he seems to think it’s “not that big of a deal“ is definitely a major red flag.

romantic partners are supposed to make you feel good about yourself, not put you down and make you insecure about yourself.

best of luck to you, OP :) (sorry for any grammatical errors)

UploadMeDaddy 1 7h57m

So he's suggested that you get both labiaplasty and a boob job? What does he think this is, build-a-wife workshop? He's acting like you should customize yourself to his preferences, that's so gross.

calmgiant 133 44m

Man, it’s never a good feeling to realize you’re dating an idiot. I’m so sorry, OP.

feverdream2020 43 45m

Hahaha. You’re not wrong. Thanks for the laugh I needed it.

Desert_Fairy 96 1h40m

When he suggested you get them removed, he was suggesting genital mutilation.

Yes you can have cosmetic surgery on your labia, but it has a stupid high risk of disfigurement.

You should be proud of your vagina. It has nothing to do with your sexuality or your promiscuity.

You shouldn’t be with someone that immature.

Jumblehead 27 5h32m

Not to mention that it can result in scarring that makes it painful to have sex. Which is the saddest type of irony I’ve ever heard of.

TexasBlonde2019 6 8h8m

That to me, was fucking sick of him. I’ve had labia surgery due to cysts, and the scarring and pain is unreal. Fucking dump him now.

[deleted] 42 2h7m

Ugh... I totally understand why this has you questioning your entire relationship.

I think the way he handled this was SO shitty. Even if he was surprised by them or "didn't like them" in the beginning, you don't fucking say that to someone you love.

This makes me cringe and I feel like you deserve better.

feverdream2020 24 2h24m

Thank you for your response. It made me cringe too. It’s reassuring to know other people can see why I would be upset by if. He often times makes me think I’m overly emotional and need to toughen up when he belittles me.

AaronAmpora 40 3h28m


Uh, girl, I'm pretty sure that's called gaslighting and is a huge red flag on top of him being an insensitive jerk and hyper critical of your body.

I would 100% bail if I were you.

OptimismByFire 30 3h40m

Here's your sanity check: you are not the one being crazy.

Based on your post and comments, your bf... Has some issues with women.

Your labia are a sign that you're worn out? You're overly emotional? He's checking your labia type with his friends? He's asking if you want a boob job? He's asking if you've considered labiaplasty? That's crazy talk. What would you tell your daughter if she told you that's what her partner said?

Girl the reason you feel like something is very wrong, is BECAUSE IT IS VERY WRONG. I agree with another comment you made that you've probably been ignoring the signs for a while.

PS: Your labia and vulva are completely normal. Find you a man that will eat you like a snack.

ritan7471 11 3h55m

Think about whether this relationship is really what you want long term.

And remember always that whatever he says about your body, he's not saying it because there is ACTUALLY something wrong with your body. He is hoping to convince you that there is so that you will "fix it" for him and his own preferences. Or at least express remorse for not being what he wants.

A man that belittles you and criticizes you is bot treating you with the love you obviously do deserve.

electriceggroll 10 6h20m

Reading through this thread this is the comment that scared me the most. This is manipulative behavior and emotional abuse, on top of all the other things, it won’t get better over time and he won’t change things will only get worse as time goes on, and who knows if it may escalate as well. I’ve been in somewhat of a similar situation to what you mentioned in this comment, and I would highly recommend getting out ASAP and finding someone who loves you for who you are, respects you, treats you well, and makes you feel amazing in your own skin; that is what a partner is supposed to do.

LowercaseShipwreck 6 7h32m

100% THIS.

404wan 3 7h51m

Nope nope nope nope nope.

That is textbook emotional abuse.

SecretBattleship 2 9h9m

I spent a year and a half with a man who constantly implied that I needed to change in order to be like the woman he wanted to be with, then was GOBSMACKED when I broke up with him and told him that I wasn't the kind of person he wanted. He used to literally tell me that I was weak for not being able to have jack-hammer-y sex for two straight hours and asking to stop. I also didn't want to do other things he wanted to do but he made me feel like I was the one who was wrong for saying no.

The red flag I should have seen early on was a story he liked to tell about a time a woman he worked with felt that he had been rude/mean to her and how she was so "crazy" to believe that when it wasn't true. Really showed that he was dismissive of feelings that he didn't feel were valid, but at the time I didn't realize it for the red flag that it was.

He's tearing you down, whether he's doing it maliciously or not, and it's completely normal for you to be questioning the relationship. I've been with my fiance for 4 years now and if he said something like your bf did, I would seriously be questioning the relationship because I don't know how to come back from that.

sugar_snaps_1982 40 16m

What the actual fuck...

feverdream2020 18 21m

Ya I wish this was a joke. That’s exactly the thought that was going on in my head when he said it ^

sugar_snaps_1982 9 22m

I am so sorry. I swear, some people. I’m sure your labia are quite lovely 😊

ottoneurseolo 37 1h41m


He doesn't think before he speaks. I am a guy and I honestly wouldn't care either way. But, he sounds like the type that makes a lot of insensitive and stupid comments. I doubt that I would date a woman who would make dumb comments about my body.

cosmicfireplace57 29 49m

At 34 y/o you'd expect he's smart, but even a 20 y/o wouldn't make such a stupid comment.

Don't put yourself to porn standards, everyone is unique in body shape. Porn stars aren't aliens superior to you. They're human just like you. All you gotta seek is someone who loves you for you.

Do yourself a huge favor and don't waste your time with someone that doesn't have even the slightest idea of what love is, what about simplest anatomy.

Best regards and self care.

finessemyguest 29 2h14m

Girl... your vagina isnt weird. In fact, I was wondering if my vagina was normal and googled it. Theres a website that has hundreds of pictures of different vaginas and trust me, you are not some weird mythical vagina creature. Your boyfriend is obviously use to porn standards and I'm guessing hasnt been with too many girls. For some reason, guys think any pronounced labia means something bad about a women and it's just not true. I hope that the millennials educate their children about sex and actually talk to them about it. Unlike boomers and gen x. They just had the "dont ask, dont tell" mentality and taught their children nothing about sex. Which has lead us to our generation that got most of their sexual education from the internet and porn. It creates an unrealistic standard for women and it teaches the youth that women actually like to be treated that way or that's how sex is enjoyable. Up until my late 20s, the men I were dating thought sex was good by how many sex positions they could fit into one round of sex. They had no idea what they were doing.

feverdream2020 16 2h27m

Ya you are 100% right about porn standards. I think it’s warped a lot of what men and women see as normal. I used to think I was very pro porn but I honestly think that’s because it was my only learning tool for sexuality in general. I didn’t have sex Ed and my family is very closed off about the subject of sex in general. Thank you for your thoughtful response.

crochet_cat_lady 1 9h18m

I feel like it's a fear all girls go through. I definitely worried that my vagina was weird or that my pubic hair was weird until I did my own research.

[deleted] 25 3h46m


BadGuy_ZooKeeper 5 9h14m

Am I an asshole for thinking I'd say yes to the surgery and just run off into the sunset w the money?

Evening-Macaroon 3 7h57m

Wow. What a jerk.

Jungletvvat6669 24 2h8m

His ignorance of simple sexual knowledge would have me gone, especially combined with his rude ass comments. I saw you said he thought you should get a boob job. Gross. He acts like he doesn’t like you for what you look like. If you actually wanted a boob job and he supported YOUR decision, that would be a different story. But to just come out with it is some real asshole-ery.

BTW, as a labia artist, and looking at Kimberly’s labia, you are made perfectly. There’s nothing wrong or unsightly about your labia. I have seen plenty vaginas in so many varieties; you are beautiful. You are WOMAN <3

Fiesta_machine 22 6m

He sounds like someone who doesn't think before he speaks. I can understand his logic to a degree. If I saw a vagina that looked different, I'd potentially wonder why, that might lead down a path of his train of thinking.

Saying he was disappointed is very thoughtless and insensitive. I'm a guy and my second girlfriend had larger labia than I've experienced since and it was just utterly insignificant. I'm not saying I'm super noble and shit, I don't understand why it would bother anyone. It's just one of those parts of genitalia that come in different shapes and sizes, like mens balls and foreskin tips etc. It doesn't make it look any more, or less, attractive.

I'm not sure I would dump someone for making a comment on my dick, but I'd definitely be weary to make sure I'm not dating some insensitive douche who may end up hurting me down the line.

feverdream2020 18 20m

Thank you for your response. I appreciate it. I also feel like ending the relationship based on the comment seems extreme I just feel very emotional about it right now. He has said some critical hurtful things in the past and I think as you said I am worried about more hurtful things down the line.

MissTash16 22 4h51m

I married a guy who told me my nipples looked like someone had chewed on them. Believe me, they don't grow up, they don't reach their potential. Don't wait 20 something years while he calls you a cunt and whore and as dumb as dog shit before you realise your worth.
Go. It'll be ok.

kbellezbub 5 6h57m

Seconded!! In the same exact boat.

OneTwoWee000 20 3h6m


Dude has total lack of empathy!

He sees his penis as perfect, when many dudes have been dumped because woman didn’t like the “extra skin” of their foreskins. He would cry foul if you harbored this attitude but he feel entitled to talk shit about your genitals. What an asshole!

Honestly, I think you should break up with him over this. You expressed how his words made you feel and he doubled down. He is a jerk and won’t ever see where you’re coming from. His shit don’t stink in his view.

FUCK___SPEZ_4 19 2h48m


Okay, what the ever loving fuck. He is suggesting FGM if you don't like something because HE doesn't like it?

Seriously lady, break up with this fucking guy.

CJ_MR 15 5h8m

Another nurse here. I've seen thousands of vulvas. I probably see 3-5 per day and I've been a nurse for 8 years. I've also worked in an OR where we did many labiaplasties. Most of the women who work in porn have had a labiaplasty and bleaching, at the very least. The average woman walking around in the world does not look like that. Your vulva looks normal (I Googled the one you referenced).

As far as your boyfriend, what a douche. Why is he purposefully saying mean and judgemental things about your body? And right after sex? Seriously, guy? Fuuuuuuck you! You talked about getting married and having kids. How much of a dick is this guy going to be when he sees a body that just gave birth? He does know those come out of the vagina, right? And sometimes there is tearing? And sometimes (most times) there are stretch marks on the body? Is he going to be sitting there making you feel like shit your whole life as you age?

Kick him in the nuts and tell him it's from me. He doesn't know me but he has it coming.

thrwawayacctagain 13 1m

He doesn't appreciate true beauty. I would have no complaints whatsoever.

Make him your ex boyfriend, and find someone who wants you for you.

nightmaremain -1 8h31m

So your definition of pure beauty is what exactly? How is him not knowing about libias him lacking the ability to appreciate true beauty?

throwaway38473874737 12 4h46m

“I’ve been with a lot of women and never seen labia like yours”

I had to google Kimberly Kane real quick for reference- I find it hard to believe he’s been with a lot of women and never seen average, normal sized labia before... Literally every vagina I’ve seen IRL looks like that. What an entitled twat he must be to shame you for having perfectly normal parts.

On a serious note though, I’m sorry this douchebag had you fooled into thinking he was a good guy for so long. You absolutely deserve better and I sincerely wish you the best in finding a partner who respects you and cherishes your body.

awinedarksea 11 2h16m

If you have Instagram, I highly recommend you follow @the.vulva.gallery. And I highly recommend choosing an emotionally intelligent partner. This guy seems immature and severely lacking empathy. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you!

jaykch 11 4h17m

Something about "being worn out" just makes me cringe. I don't think this guy has "been with a lot of women" from the way he talks. The fact that this guy was asking around about this stuff makes me think he doesn't have a lot of experience and he is lying. I have been with women with labia like that, it is normal.

crochet_cat_lady 2 9h20m

The idea of being worn out anyway. So being with several guys makes us worn out, but sleeping with the same guy a 100 times doesnt??? Whack.

willbecky 9 2h42m

This guy is an insensitive moron! Get rid of him!

WhenInDoubtBeKind 9 5h30m

He's belittling you. I am willing to bet the relationship was GREAT at first, then he started to do that. Also willing to bet you have lost/diminished contact with friends of yours since getting with him?

Everything you say about it & him, from the point of view of someone who's been there, screams that your partner has narcissistic personality disorder and you should run to the hills. I know you likely won't believe me because "he can be soo sweet and wonderful". Please. Run from any man who belittles you, nothing but pain and heartache awaits you otherwise

cat_dog_baby 8 54m

What an asshole thing to say. My girlfriend has some labia lips that I adore. I call them bubblegum. Don’t be ashamed of your natural body.

xoxoLizzyoxox 8 2h48m

Oh wow, he was rude af. Also everyones genitals are different, but asking a friend is it because you are "worn out"...he was 30! when he asked that question, Id get it if he was 16 but 30. Thats insensitive and wow. I dont know. Im sure you could critique him if you wanted to be a c u next tuesday but i doubt you would be that insensitive

ritan7471 8 3h45m

Oh no! He suggested you get them removed because of YOUR insecurity??? Oh no, he said it because of HIS.

My ex once suggested I get a boob lift because it would "make you feel better about yourself". U did not end the relationship then and it turns out, I spent the rest of it being compared to porn stars and lacking.

He has not seen a lot of labias or if he has, has spent his entire adult life judging women for being "worn out" because their labia are visible. Or suggesting they subject themselves to genital surgery to look more like what he wants.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a man like that? Do you think there might be other stupid and ugly ideas about women that he might be hiding?

[deleted] 8 5h57m

I literally hate when men say out loud "I'm not into it and its not my fault."

Yeah well you don't have to be indignant about it. Also what a violation of your trust to talk to his male friend about it and tell you about it? Jesus

turtlescanfly7 7 3h24m

While reading my first thought was that sucks. He definitely shouldn’t have said that, but usually people don’t love every single thing about their partner and the more important thing is they love you and they don’t make you feel bad about it. I was gonna suggest trying to talk about how awful that makes you feel and maybe understand he messed up but if he loves you and doesn’t do it again try to let it go if you can. BUT THEN he suggested you get surgery?!?!??! Wtf no no no. No one should ever suggest you get a cosmetic surgery because THEY don’t like something on your body.

Edit: in OP’s comments she mentioned he’s also suggested that she get a boob job. Throw him back. He’s too superficial. Tell him you prefer circumcised. Or if he is, that you prefer uncircumcised and how would he feel about getting a skin graft on his dick. What a jerk

TakaonoGaijin 7 4h38m

Everyone is different. Have a look at the link below. It’s on display at the Museum of Old and New Art (MONA) is Tasmania. It’s amazing!

Tell your dude he’s got a bald patch on his scrotum and whether it’s from him being ‘worn out’. Knob!

Wall of Vaginas

MaPleaulkin 7 5h13m

He sounds like a person that would break up with you after you had a baby "because you don't look like before the baby". Do you want a future with a person like that?

ShinyFakeGamerGirl 7 7h48m

I worked in a (sugar)waxing salon for a summer job. I saw more vagina’s than any straight woman ever expects to. I’d say the overwhelming majority has “big” (ergo normal) labia. I actually spend a lot of time explaining that this is how a vagina usually looks, that there’s nothing unusual or ugly about them and that they look perfectly healthy. I was actually instructed to casually mention that I didn’t see anything unusual the first time I got rid of hair for a client. It’s that common for ladies to freak out about it, and I’m from a country that does sexual education reasonably well.

I don’t think it’s strange for your boyfriend to be surprised because of it. Though it’s very unflattering that his first thought is that you must be “worn out”. I’m glad that he has friends that are confident enough to set him straight on a subject that might be difficult for some dudes. I’m sure it would’ve been a lot easier for them to make a macho joke about it and let it go after that.

Know, at least, that there really is nothing wrong with you, or unusual about your vagina. There is something wrong, though, in your relationship and it deserves a good, honest talk. If you’re serious enough about him to consider marriage, then I think you ought to really communicate with him. Let him know how much he hurt you and how unsexy his comment was. Explain why this way of thinking is unhealthy and, I agree with others, kinda sexist. The fact that he didn’t understand your earlier comparison with him not being circumcised tells me that he either is really naïeve and ignorant about these things, or wilfully misunderstanding because he doesn’t want to understand. You know him, you know how he thinks. Do you think that there’s enough there to work at understanding one another?

In the end it’s really up to you. You mentioned that you might’ve let other sexists comments slide. I think it’s worth it to really think about that and your relationship and contemplate what you wanna do. I’d do this before sitting down with him again, so that you know what your hill to die on is.

And...know that it doesn’t have to be this way. I’ve got a pretty big labia, I sit on it sometimes during bicycling for instance. But my husband, especially after I confided in him that it makes me uncomfortable sometimes, constantly tells me how beautiful I look.

I guess it all comes down to some introspection. What is important to you in a relationship, do you feel you can get that with him? Just how much of a deal breaker is this for you, even without thinking of the many opinions of strangers on the internet?

I hope I helped a little. In either case I wish you the best of luck

QueenMoogle 6 1m

Even if he felt that way, he absolutely should not have said anything. It may be nbd to him that this was in his past, but that’s a pretty insensitive and douchey thing to suddenly just reveal to you. I hope he can understand how this hurt you.

teachingprogram 6 1h34m

I think that your boyfriend being a 34 year old adult man who has no idea about female anatomy and is willing to discuss your labia with his friend is a big red flag. I mean, who does that? That’s a huge breach of trust imo. Also, would you still feel comfortable having sex with him considering he’s mentioning surgery? Are you really ok with being with someone like that long term?

big-ba-da-boom 6 2h18m

If by his age he is acting this way and asking those questions of his friends, he is emotionally and mentally stunned. Irl out side of porn most of sex is a mental thing of intimacy with your Awsome partner. I get one night stands being physical. But sex in truth is being close and part of the one you love

[deleted] 6 2h46m

Oh girl, boot this guy out. Not just because he's "disappointed" in your body, but because he was boneheaded enough to actually say it to you and not understand why that was so wrong. Sure, we all have things we may dislike about our SO, but some things shouldn't ever be said out loud and disappointment in genitals is DEFINITELY one of them. This guy is either completely cold and doesn't care how he made you feel, or he's a total bonehead and doesn't understand how saying that affects you.

Dump him and find a guy that loves ALL of you, or at least respects you enough and cares about your feelings and emotional health enough to keep his mouth shut.

willfully_hopeful 6 3h43m

Dump him!

nftychs 6 6h24m

What worries me most is that a grown ass man is convinced that labia wear out like that and that he actually thought it was somehow your fault and (if absurdity weren't high enough already) was up to use this fault as a reason not to be with you. This way of thinking would bother me way more than any insecurity of my own body ever could.

stormyjetta 6 6h42m

My ex told me my labia was gross and I should convince my mom to get me labiaplasty. I was 15. I’m 23 and I still have a complex, I was just recently was able to let my bf of 5 years go down on me. He also criticized my weight and sexual ability. I was 15 and anorexic. That being said my experiences aren’t yours but I do reasonate with everything you’ve said about him. But I wish I’d throw the whole boy away years before I did.

2pepa222 6 7h42m

I think find a man who will absolutely love every part of you as in like for real,not like you bf that was "dissapointed when it saw your vagina...like wth? Who says that...id be pissed if someone told me that...and then id be questioning why are they with me if they dont like it.

timeisameany 5 3h23m

hi i just wanted to say that ur cooter is normal and i feel like ur bf is lying when he says he’s seen a lot of pussy & none of them have looked like that bc vaginas like that are the majority. Also, there’s a bunch of men that do prefer vaginas like urs over the slit ones bc they have more stuff to play w/aesthetic reasons/look more “womanly” etc!!! I had this problem as well and did a fuck ton of research lol. i hope u find better or he gets a brain!!! <3

emay02OG 5 4h9m

At first, I thought it a bit extreme to break up with him, but then when I got to the part where he suggested you get them removed - yeah, he's not the kind of guy I'd want to spend my life with.

And I would be very surprised if this was the only area where he's been a jerk towards you. I bet there are other red flags.

Minkiemink 5 5h13m

"Worn out"? "I've gotten over it"? I'd be gone the same day.

leeeeni 5 6h19m

Reading your post and other comments, I feel like he’s either just an insensitive, judgemental asshole. Or, he’s incredibly inexperienced with women and that has led him to only be attracted to one certain type of woman (porn star pussy and big boobs). I’m sure you’ll know which one he is.

I also have a large labia and I was insecure for years, until I realised that those porn star pussys are cut and waxed and bleached to look like that. It’s not a normal expectation. At the end of the day, he is making you feel self conscious about your body and no partner should make you feel shitty or second guess yourself.

whalesharksky 5 6h22m

I love how he first saw your big labia and was like “oh she must be worn out fuck” and then later says “I saw A LOT of labia and they don’t look like yours”. Double standards.

That being said I can’t tell you whether to break up with him or not, although I do feel you, this is a sensitive issue and he’s being a bit of a dick about it.

Your labia are normal! Maybe your bf has only seen porn-pussy? Bc irl a lot of women have big outer labia and it’s no big deal. They’re just chilling, let your labia be happy!

fludmaps 5 6h22m

Idk if he's a good or bad person at all, but your bf is definitely fucking gross and immature. He can have preferences but he's just trying to break you down. Ask him for a dick pic and then drop in a comment about how he should get penile enlargement, or if he's playing with his junk suggest if he doesn't like his foreskin he should just have it removed. Bet you he will see your perspective then.

theterribletenor 5 7h59m

I really don't understand these dudes.... how are they this ignorant? The information is readily available at a click. Vaginas don't become looser with more sex. Labia don't become worn out and bigger. I mean, it says something about him since he's been with you four years but doesn't know basic facts about your body. But then again.... most dudes are like that... Doesn't mean most dudes make good boyfriends and husbands

PancakeHunters 5 8h3m

This is fucking awful. He basically tries to manipulate you and make you insecure so you think something is wrong with your body and will get plastic surgery, to look like most of the pornwoman.

my ex had a big teethgap in the middle of his teeth, and kinda crooked teeth. he hated it and when i first met him, he never really opened his mouth properly while speaking in an attempt to hide them. i didnt knew it at first, because he came across as very confident.

but, since i loved him so much, to me, i would have never wanted him to get them fixed, i started to find the teethgap really cute and sexy on him, to me he been in and outside the most beautiful person. he still is beautiful to me, even thought i broke up with him after 4 years due to other problems.

alot of the things i hated about myself, he loved them as well.

and thats how it should be in my opinion...i just dont think he deserves you, and your body. he obviousley watched more porn then having actual sex with actual woman.

i used to be quite fine with the way i looked as well, but sometimes man that wanted to have sex with me (i didnt end up having sex with them, guess why, lmao) would make weird comments as well, like how my boobs are SADLY supertiny, and how im soo short (im 5 3...im not a midget, lol), how my upturned nose looks funny (i got a upturned nose, button like, but "bigger", like scarlett johanssons nose for example.

and shes freaking beautiful) or because im superpale, and stuff like that. but mostly tiny boobs and stuff. and when i wasnt as skinny (like, when i was about 130 pounds - which is normal weight) i would have some man tell me how i would look much better if i lost weight. because they love when hipbones show and thigh gap...fuck people like that. if they like a different bodyshape better,

they should go on dates with people who fit their ideal, instead of going on multiple dates with someone they obviousley dont find as attractive or...good enough. i never understood people like that.

please, dont change, kimberly kanes pussy is beautiful and perfectley normal ; i know PLENTY of man that actually love pussys like that. not everyone wants a plasticpussy.

nomadickitten 5 8h37m

So he was disappointed when he first saw them because he thought you'd been 'worn out' ... terrible knowledge of anatomy aside, this statement makes him sound like a horrible person. Doubled down on by the fact that he goes onto defend himself by saying he's been with 'a lot of women'.

Not only is that a horrific double standard I also don't really believe him. Vulvas come in all shapes and sizes but visible labia are actually more common than not. I'd be surprised if he'd actually had much experience with women outside of pornography.

His comments sound immature, careless and ignorant. Only you can decide whether they are reflective of who he is as a whole.

FlyingFigNewton 5 9h23m

Cripes, your SO is a dumb ass. I have, in my own opinion, very large labia. I've been quite embarrassed about them at times, and wondered if I was "normal". However, none of my sexual partners have ever said anything about them(to my face, anyway). I mentioned to my husband once that I though I had a weird-looking vulva, and he was genuinely baffled. He does NOT care what it looks like, he's just thrilled that he gets to have sex with me. Find yourself a man who treats you better. You deserve it.

BadBadOp 4 2h1m

Asshole move for sure

Galvsworld 4 2h40m

Even worse than the insult, he doubled down saying he didn’t think it was as bad as insulting his bits.

There’s screwing up and saying something dumb. Then there’s refusing to be sorry you hurt someone.

Idk if I could deal with an SO that couldn’t apologize and be empathetic. If you don’t leave him, couples therapy to deal with his communication issues and him needing to “win” the conversation would be a must

CandyLand2019 4 3h19m

I had something very similar happen to me within my boyfriend and it killed me. I thought I had a “normal “ looking vagina until he said something.

mildone75 4 4h2m

As a man I actually prefer a lady with larger longer lips, something very sexy about it and completely turns me on!

catsauceinmybag 4 4h31m

When you break up with this guy for wanting you to mutilate yourself into a body he saw in porn and you need something to watch to make yourself laugh and cheer yourself up, I recommend watching Nikki Glaser’s latest Netflix special where she describes her labia as a ‘hastily packed suitcase.’ Hugs to you

mummaflar 4 6h17m

This is not a normal attitude and he sounds incredibly immature. Im all for working through problems in relationships but a potential father for your kids? No thanks.

bearbrobro 4 6h19m

Definitely do not date a 34 year old man who is squeamish about a vagina.

cemetery_slut 4 6h28m

He only finds this part of your body “unattractive” because he watches too much porn and has unrealistic standards for what women’s bodies should look like. Every body is different and there’s absolutely no reason for you to feel bad about it.

He needs to grow up and adjust his child-like opinions of your body. You’re perfect the way you were born and you should never feel ashamed of your genitals.

OwnbiggestFan 4 7h29m

I watch porn sometimes and I have also seen 80 or so vulvas up close in real life over the years. I have seen all different shapes, sizes, and colors. Labia differ and I have never been disappointed personally. The Western ideal seems to be the Barbie Doll which is a clean slit. And in porn the labia differ as well. I think that labia shaming is now a thing Doctor's do in order to sell labiaplasty. They often gloss over the risks of losing feeling and scarring.

hannahboots 4 8h3m

As someone who just brought a relationship concern to the Reddit hive mind, I feel like this is you maybe asking for confirmation for what you already feel? Trust your gut. And never let anyone criticise your pussy.

Moreredditpls 4 8h17m

I’m always profoundly shocked at how men misconstrue what a woman’s body is “supposed” to look like. As opposed to what? A fucking video you saw online once? Grow up.

fermat1432 3 45m

Can you tell him that his remarks are hurtful?

Combaticus2000 3 3h27m

You’re BF is a moron OP

chickplank 3 3h29m

It's very rude and insensitive to compare you to other women. Period. Even mean sprited. Kick that bum to the curb.

InoffensivePaint 3 3h46m

The problem is he didn't fucking apologize after it was clear he had hurt you. It's got nothing to do with your body or his body, and everything to do with the fact he made you feel bad and he didn't be a mature adult about it and apologize. He doubled down on what he was saying and then suggested you have your labia removed? What the hell.

"It's not your fault you're ugly to me so I guess now I love you I can get over it." He didn't think saying that aloud was going to absolutely destroy you?

If you want to save this relationship you should probably sit him down and tell him that you feel really hurt and upset by what he said. Like give him a second chance to say sorry, and mean it, not some half-assed 'well I can't help what I think' sort of thing. He can apologise for saying something insensitive and making you upset. He doesn't need to open his mouth if what he's going to say is awful. He had multiple ways to back the fuck up during your conversation.

Also your butterfly is beautiful and you should be really proud of your wings. Don't let some stupid and naive boy keep you from flying.

that_mom_friend 3 4h6m

Yeah, sorry, that comment would forever be in my head. Any time I was naked I’d be assuming he was silently judging, or just tolerating that part of my body. I don’t know that I’d ever be able to fully relax and enjoy sex with that worry nagging in my brain. Maybe some other people wouldn’t be so upset by it but I can’t totally see how that comment would be a relationship killer.

You want a partner that loves all of you, that is eager to see all of you, that wants to put hands all over every part of you, and you him! Not one that makes you turn off the lights or consider surgery because some part of you offends him.

I’m not saying you need to dump him, I’m just saying I can totally understand if you feel like this is unforgivable. To some folks it may not seem like a big deal but for others it may be a significant hurdle to get past.

chavely 3 5h6m

I don’t think you should end an otherwise happy long-term relationship but definitely try to have a serious conversation. Set aside a time and date, over dinner at home. Start by saying its a serious issue.

If he continues to stand his ground on his statements, it is then up to you whether it would be a deal breaker.

crazywidowaz 3 5h37m

Kimberly Kane has a gorgeous pussy and i suspect that your lady parts are too. Your boyfriend is an insensitive inconsiderate dickweed who lacks emotional i intelligence big time.

ActuallyAGangsterPEW -7 6h33m

No she doesnt lol

crazywidowaz 2 8h1m

Beautiful women are as varied as wildflowers or seashells. There is not just one way to be beautiful, it is infinite. And I find that my partners grow ever more beautiful as i know them more and on a deeper level. For this guy to be so shallow and superficial after 4 years is a huge red flag screaming DUMP HIM HE IS NOT WORTHY.

ActuallyAGangsterPEW 0 9h15m

Fuck u mean brah. If it was a problem he would never have stayed for 4 years. But there are without a doubt nice looking pussies and nasty looking ones. Just like penises

SERPMarketing 2 8h9m

I agree. It’s not a good looking pussy and definitely on the larger size of labia flaps. I think this subreddit is being overly supportive without any regard for her counterparts visual preferences. There are plenty of ugly people in happy relationships who would be foolish to believe that their partner doesn’t view them as ugly... ugly is objective, but you can still love an ugly person. There are certain standards that get socialized as ugly or beautiful... her particular labia style for the large majority of modern society is not attractive.

Icecream_Sumbitch 1 8h43m

Beauty is subjective. Some people like pissing on grandma feet, so people liking Kimberly Kane isn't that crazy. A relationship will not work if you think that your partner is ugly. Attraction is a requirement.

SERPMarketing -1 8h45m

I agree. I’m not saying it’s crazy for some people to light larger labia, but I also wouldn’t fool myself into believing most people would view it as good looking

Icecream_Sumbitch 2 8h54m

Do you have a poll to prove what people like?

ActuallyAGangsterPEW -2 9h16m

Hahahaha you rly think most dudes like bigger labias? 😩

Icecream_Sumbitch 2 9h18m

I don't know because I don't have a poll

ActuallyAGangsterPEW 0 9h20m

Exactly 😂

diez2imprezz 3 6h17m

Wow what a dick move by him. I mean guys cant really comment on their genitals with them looking like a puffer fish being drained by a pink slug.

bklynpeter 2 4h0m

Please do not marry this person.

bambamkablam 2 4h20m

Oh. Fuck. No. He. Did. Not. It’s okay to not find a body part attractive, it is what it is. It’s not okay to ask you to mutilate your body to fit his expectations. Labiaplasty is a lot riskier than people think and you could potentially damage your clit and other structures down there. Tell him that his scrotum is also pretty damned unattractive (let’s face it, they all are) and see if he’ll go under the knife to get that tidied up. Please never give this dip shit another orgasm ever again.

meatychud1000 2 4h32m

The fact that he says he’s been with so many women yet is concerned that your labia is “worn out” is so infuriating...

mmmcapella 2 4h38m

Oh my god. I'm just chiming in to say you're perfectly reasonable to find it offensive that he is suggesting you cut off those unsightly genitals of yours (heavy heavy sarcasm on the word unsightly.) How incredibly selfish of him, and how cruel to you.

dobber1965 2 4h42m

All labia aren't the same and personally I prefer large ones .

JoeJoegamR 2 5h17m

NGL throw the whole BF away.

That amount of stupid might be contagious. Or worse hereditary

Twisted_Periscope 2 5h18m

You're boyfriend is acting like a 16 y/o idiot. His mentality with the is it worn out thought means he's very immature and naive sexually. Sounds like a sheltered upbringing with an online degree in sex ed. A normal adult would see that way you're built as normal and most men I know very much enjoy the way you're built.

DevHoward 2 5h19m

Yikes, ditch that adolescent asshole please

FionaTheFierce 2 5h23m

The idea of being “worn out” just kills me. Notably this wearing out only happens to women, and only happens if they have multiple partners. Women who have plentiful sex with one partner have “good” unworn out vaginas. 🙄

Your boyfriend is an selfish, unempathetic, idiot who does not deserve you. He doubles down after hurting you by suggesting surgery to fix the thing he doesn’t like but which is totally normal. Destroying the self-esteem of your partner is abuse, not love, not positive regard, not building them up or supporting them.

Even if he has a preference for tiny amputated labia - what possible purpose is there in him telling you this aside from making you feel bad and trying to manipulate you into surgery.

jolientaboo 2 5h26m

I think it's a real dick move from your boyfriend to tell you all of that... Especially that he discussed it with a friend because he was afraid you were 'worn out'? Wtf, even if you had a lot of sex, that shouldn't be a worry of him, especially not to discuss such a private part of your body with a friend of his. But doing that AND telling you about it? No, really, not okay.

And then 'I got over it', wow, are you supposed to be happy about that? Thank him? He shouldn't have a problem with your body to begin with.

I think it is completely normal that you are crushed, I would be too. You must see if you want to salvage the relationship, I wouldn't. But if you want to, it is really important that he sees how wrong this was of him.

_Nobot_ 2 5h27m

"Worn out"????

I'm aghast that he'd even say this: as if women are goods with a shelf life, or second-hand items that should be tossed out after whatever he deems to be too much use.

OP's SO is a POS.

sappylady 2 5h30m

I'm kinda late (as always), but get out of that relationship, girl! If he loved you, he wouldn't be making you feel bad about yourself and he wouldn't have ignored your feelings after you told him that you were hurt. Besides, any man who thinks a woman can be "worn out" is not worth it. That's fucked up and misogynistic as hell.

He doesn't deserve you. Find yourself a guy who will make you feel better and love the things about yourself that you don't like now, instead of making you feel insecure about the ones that you do like.

mikec50010 2 5h33m

OMG! What a f*%king idiot! No tack, no thoughts about impact of his words, selfish, ignorant as hell!! LABIA LIKE YOURS ARE AWESOME!!! Easy to drive a woman wild in my experience! In my lifetime, my head has almost been "cracked like a walnut" may times when sucking on beautiful labia! ;)

[deleted] 2 6h30m

I've noticed the uncircumcised ones are always more douchy. I feel like he said all that to just make you feel bad or something. If it's so easy for him to disrespect you, and even suggest surgery, I would double check on being with him forever. I honestly would've just made a nasty comment right back to him about his turtle neck around his penis.

Fooking_Yungblud 2 6h56m

He does not fucking deserve you, the fact that he made the comment without thinking about your feelings is bad enough. But the fact that he won't even awknowledge your feelings about it is a major red flag.

jebanisa 2 7h20m

Hes probably going to cheat on you in the near future. I'd get out now.

KennedyBlu3 2 7h30m

I'd say the way that he talks about you undergoing surgery to change your body based on his opinion is a red flag.

I would be uncomfortable having children with someone like him.

abstractprojection 2 7h40m

I don't think I could have sex with someone who had expressed that they have to 'get over' my labia. I have a prominent but perfectly normal labia, and my BF says I have the best pussy ever. Of-course he could just be flattering me, but adoration is a crucial part of any sex life or relationship.

bighairythingee 2 7h41m

A partner suggesting you have plastic surgery for something you don't have an issue with is more than enough reason to end a relationship. He sounds a complete douchebag.

BlossomOfCherries 2 7h46m

Fuck this guy. He sounds like an immature uneducated wench.

Uningo1306 2 7h48m

My God, pleas break up with him. That was a terrible comment! He is a big a-hole for saying that, he made it worse when commenting to remove them djeez. You love them! Don’t listen to him, ur labia are perfect!

8530683641 2 7h49m

You can end things with him over this as it shows that he does not care about you at all. However, if apart from this everything is great in your relationship and you see your future with him then let him know how you feel and hear what he has to say. If he does not assure you after hearing your feelings then he is not the man for you and you should end things with him over this. You have a normal vagina and be proud of it.

cyberraver35 2 7h51m

Try r/labiagw

Your BF is a insensitive dick :P

luciferasexyplant 2 8h0m

I’m sorry OP that would make me cry. Tell him that’s a super shitty thing to say about your most intimate parts. It devalues your relationship and friendship to hear him compare you physically to his previous partner. Surgery on labia could damage nerves is he truly shallow enough to recommend that to his love? Immature at the least. who cares what the other pussys you’ve seen look like? This one is yours and you like how it feels if I’m not mistaken. See how he responds and if you don’t feel heard and satisfied from the conversation you can decide how you want to leave. Good luck

SpunkySpoiler26 2 8h2m

Fuck that! Find a human that loves your labia! I too have a large labia and wouldn't change it.

person_8688 2 8h11m

I would ask him to get circumcised.

sukiowu 2 8h13m

He says he has been with a lot of women but would have had a problem with you being "worn out"? Even if that weren't nonsense it's very judgemental of him to expect his girlfriend to not have had a lot of sex while he himself cam freely admit he's had a lot of sex partners. You need to figure out if you can look past this, but to me this sounds like he's a little sexist and still judges you for what you look like. I personally couldn't forgive that.

gravitydood 2 8h21m

I don't like telling people what to do with their relationship because it's not my life but if it were my life in this particular instance I'd leave him for sure.

Don't feel ashamed about your labia OP they come in all shapes and there's really nothing to feel bad about

lxgo 2 8h21m

Sounds like you could have the boyfriend removed instead and save yourself a lot of trouble

WeDoDumplings 2 8h31m

Your fanclub is waiting :) https://www.reddit.com/r/LabiaGW/

ravendaisy_eyes 2 8h31m

Is he 14?? What is this. Tell him if you get a labiaplasty he needs to get circumcised the fuck. What a quick way to ruin a perfectly good sex life. If hes dumb enough to make those comments after 4 years theres other things that will eventually come out. Hes a straight up narcissistic dick

Zombombaby 2 8h42m

So you've got a normal vagina, and he finds it unattractive and wants you to have surgery on it but doesn't think it's offensive? And you say he has a history of misogynistic remarks? Yeah, throw the whole man out. Imagine if you guys get married and have a daughter and he still is spouting that bullshit?

AyaOshba1 2 8h47m

1 Who Else Googled Kimberly Kane?

2 just because other guys didn't say anything doesn't mean they didn't notice

3 you'll have to show a new guy your vag at some point and you'll have issues when when you do

4 guy wasn't mean he still with you dating you etc.. he just wanted to know

5 I'd be more upset he discussed my Big Labia with his friends

p2b2 2 8h52m

I am often astounded by how little many men actually know about the female body. At 34 he should know better than that.

Billybran 2 8h58m

I read the topic and forgot your ages, assumed you were in college and when I went to comment (M34) and my (F32) appeared. This dude's 34, has been with a lot of women and made these comments? A 19 year old I could see saying something stupidly insensitive like this, but 34 years old? This dude gets a "Come on man!" He had to check with his buddy and mentioned that? So now his friends know intimate details? His solution is for you to have an unnecessary operation like it's a side order at McDonalds?

It might seem like 4 years down the tubes but cut your losses. If you get married eventually and have kids no telling what kinda of stupid incentive stuff hill do.

I had a conversation with a co worker (M60), I'm the same age as another co worker 30s, he said something, co worker is a kid, I responded "well we're the same age, he replied your not a kid, it has nothing to do with how old you are. Fairly good wisdom. No adult would say this.

squishygelfling 2 8h58m

I’m concerned that a then 30 year old adult had to ask whether a normal part of female anatomy was there because of “being worn out.”

Also, how magnanimous of him that he only accepted a literal part of your body because “it wasn’t your fault” you had fucking labia.

Does he normally seem this immature? Is he genuinely lacking experience or do you feel he said it to hurt you? Has he been in many sexual relationships before this or is he just inexperienced?

It is amazing that people this ignorant about basic HUMAN ANATOMY and lack of compassion could be in sexual relationships.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with your body. Nothing. We come in every shape and size. There is no “normal.” I feel for you. That’s an incredibly insensitive and hurtful thing to say.

Have a serious chat about why that was a despicable hing to say to somebody you’re intimate with. Hold a mirror up to him and ask him how he would feel if you make a hurtful comment about a part of his body that he can’t change. How that would affect him.

DoggyWoggyWoo 2 9h4m

IMO the most alarming thing about this whole situation is that he your boyfriend was talking about your labia to his friend! So now a complete random knows details about your genitals. Granted, the friend is waaay more mature and intelligent than your boyfriend, but still, that’s SUCH an invasion of privacy! I would be seriously pissed off and would end the relationship over that.

[deleted] 2 9h5m

Anybody that complains about their partner’s genitals is trash. Period. All genitals look unique, and they all have the same purpose: pleasure and intimacy. He should be grateful another person is sharing themselves intimately with him. Also, some people (myself included) LIKE big, visible labia. All pussy is good pussy. Fuck your boyfriend. Like, seriously. How dare he try to tear you down in such an intimate manner? Tbh, I feel like most of the commentators here are under-reacting. I’d dump the bastard.

Lou_chains 1 2h13m

Every vag is different. Every nipple is different. Your body is beautiful and it was perfectly engineered by “the higher power” for YOU, and only YOU. Don’t let some dude (most likely self conscious about his own insecurities) dictate what is right and wrong. There is no right and wrong. Only different. ❤️

feverdream2020 1 2h16m

Thank you for the recommendation I will definitely check that out!

IlIlIlIlIlIlIlIIlI 1 3h19m

American sex ed is horrible and your boyfriend is ignorant. I read comments like that on Reddit and on 4chan and hoped they were just ignorant teenage boys. It's sad people can make it into their 20s and still think like that.

theatrewhore 1 3h22m

Um...sounds like he’s kind of a dink. Of course you’re normal and it’s incredibly rude of him to act as though you aren’t.

torijackwaffles 1 3h33m

I was rooting for you to break up with him. He seems immature.

Thats-my-drag-name 1 3h50m

This had my on a serious deep dive into porn pussy. And thoroughly examining mine. Guys are so dumb.

ChiaraSs7 1 3h51m

I think the real problem here is not what he thinks about your labias (even tho the all “being worn out” idea almost made me puke) but the way he reacted to your insecurities: he failed (on purpose or not) to recognize he made you feel that way and did nothing more then reinforcing them with the “get a plastic job” thing. This has probably been a woken up call for you, and it seems perfectly normal for you to consider breaking up with this very non dreamy man.

Nixolus1 1 4h36m

It’s not an issue for you, it’s an issue for him. How weird that after so long he suddenly became a fucking dick.

And if he’s seen so many vaginas, how does he not know what a natural vagina looks like and wtf is the whole idea that your labia might be a sign of a worn out vagina? Wtf is a worn out vagina? I’m flabbergasted, and even more so that the person presenting this hurtful critique is uncircumcised so shut the hell up dude.

If I were you I would reserve my vagina for people that appreciate it in future.

ur-a-boofer69 1 4h44m

Hahahaha title got me dead. And sister god makes no junk u gods child. Keep ur head up.

mahajte 1 4h58m

As a guy, your boyfriend is a dickhead. First of all, its a part of women’s and everyone has it, bigger or smaller it doesnt matter. Talking about it as something that shouldnt be there cause he isnt used to it to look like that is childish at very best. My girlfriend has really big, literally ive never seen big as hers and i never thought of it to be something bad, its just how she is. We make fun a bout it, calling it my little sting ray, it really does look like one when you spread them.

RoK16b 1 5h10m

Gosh... HE HAS NEVER SEEN SOME LIKE YOURS... Did he sleep with the rest of the females worldwide ? Is he such a pussy connoisseur that he can judge how you look down there? I understand it hurt you. It is a very intimate part of our body and we are just born like that. It is not your fault as you surely know and I would feel self conscious about it every time he goes down on me. It is finally up to you but I would no deal with it, specially after the "removing/change" comment. My ex always wanted me to be completely shaved and for me it was a pain in the bum. He said he did not like it hairy (and I, for my defence, can say that I barely have hair there... Or anywhere else on my body but my head) and at one point he bought me a laser removal appointment.... Without asking me about it. I ended up dumping him because a partner should make you feel good about yourself not otherwise. With that I dont mean he has to love you if you gain lots lots lots of weight for example, but definitely for how you are since you were born.

Keep you head up high and tell him to go pound sand, he os being very childish and not an adult human at all.

Good luck ;)

Bee_Boo_ 1 5h39m

This is awful, I’m sorry you were treated like this. He sounds immature and quite frankly, stupid insensitive. I just checked Kimberley Kane. Those aren’t abnormal or large labia at all.

He sounds like he has a juvenile view of the female body. I’m almost certain after you part ways with him, he’ll realise that chasing after the perfect pussy is harder than he thought. He’ll realise that he’s missed out on an amazing relationship because of his ridiculous standards and expectations. Honestly to project his feelings like that and to try to gaslight you “if you don’t like yourself get surgery” is a huge red flag. With an attitude like that he’s probably in for a future devoid of a meaningful relationship.

Show him this thread. Because lovely lady this guy is a fucking moron. I can’t believe he’d imply you get surgery. Just be glad you realised what he’s like now, rather than after you got married.

FWIW I’m pretty identical to Kimberly Kane too, and have a husband that is sensitive, caring and appreciative of my ladybits.

Edited for angry typos.

chipface 1 5h57m

While my sexual partners have had smaller labias, yours isn't abnormal one bit. Such dick moves the shit your bf has said about yours.

metajenn 1 6h44m

Christy mack has an outie. Shout out to all the porn stars who break that "no inner labia" thing. He sounds brainwashed by porn. And people are allowed to have their preferences but typically one should prefer the genitals on the person they are with above all else.

I criticize this sub for easily pulling the trigger on breaking up but fuck this guy. Thats a part of your body that gives you pleasure and hes recommending you cut it off? Hes got some mental shit to work on.

When im with someone i worship their body, there is no comparison. This person is sharing with me and we are connecting and giving each othet pleasure. It is totally in the moment. Any thought of comparison and judgement would disconnect me from the act. If he is so in his head when hes being intimate with you hes probably not that great of a lover. Kick this guy to the curb and make space for someone who will love you.

imdad_bot 1 6h44m

Hi with someone i worship their body, there is no comparison, I'm Dad👨

imdad_bot 1 6h44m

Hi Dad👨, I'm Dad👨

imdad_bot 1 6h44m

Hi Dad👨, I'm Dad👨

lovlunamaei 1 6h45m

I read this to my boyfriend and even he agrees to she sounds like a dick, we looked at that porn star and I think she is beautiful I don't see anything wrong with that! Clearly his isn't over it because he wouldn't had brought it up in the first place! If I was in ur shoes I would end things because of that. I have dated someone that made horrible comments to me about sexual thing and made me feel horrible about myself and body. You don't need that bull shit in ur life and even my bf agrees with me... Even though my boyfriend is an asshole he even thinks that your boyfriend was being a complete dick. I'm sorry u might love him but you deserve better.

jazzskywalker 1 7h14m

What in the world...

lovlunamaei 1 7h22m

What? 🤔

MountainLou 1 6h56m

You need to tell him (write him i it helps). that your problem is not your labia. it is his thoughts on your labia, that he disliked them so much he asked a friend if you were 'worn out'!!. Can he not see how that was offensive?

That when you tried to explain how he made you feel and he suggest you remove them DID NOT HELP.

Having a verbally open relationship with little filter can be good, but suggest he uses his brain to think how a comment would make you feel and keep some things to himself.

If he does not have a light bulb moment and then profusely apologise, you have to think about how much empathy this man really has.

note. I totally agree with the circumcision analogy. or perhaps size of balls.

For your self,he's a bit of an emotional dunce and doesn't understand the extent of variation on bodies (male and female), please dont think nay less of yourself from this.

cheyneside 1 7h11m

Your boyfriend sounds utterly terrible. I rarely ever suggest that someone should leave but you deserve so much better than this. A partner should lift you up and make you feel like you can take on the world and be the best version of you. This guy is breaking you down and it's making you feel insecure. He's never going to bring the best out of you. I really really hope you leave and keep your head high. You will find an amazing person to be with but this is not it. Leave, keep being excellent, embrace hobbies, friends and life. You can do it!

rosachk 1 7h11m

he asked his friend if large labia meant you were "worn out"?? and then was relieved that it wasn't the case??? what the ACTUAL fuck? I guess once they can't hold the hymen thing over us anymore they upgrade to the shape of our organs. I'm honestly livid. You sound pretty well educated on body positivity and the whole shebang OP, which is great. Has he ever hinted before at being the kind of man who would judge you by the number of partners you've had? In any case I'm so sorry you had to hear something so fucking gross from someone you should be able to trust. He had no business being diSaPpOinTeD with a goddamn flap of skin. That's pathetic.

[deleted] 1 7h13m

He probably thinks his foreskin is weird too. This is why men don't talk ladies - sounds like was being relaxed and honest with you and you are now going on reddit with the story and thinking of ending the relationship? Crazy.

bighairythingee 1 7h14m

You should ask him the same question the next time he's wanking.

SELI_R97 1 7h25m

For a 34 year old "man" this guy is awfully childish. I don't think he's gotten over it judging on what he said last. Find yourself a real man who's last concern would be your labia shape.

roonilwazib 1 7h28m

Major red flag that his friend has to reassure him that it is normal and doesn’t mean you’re ‘loose’. That’s very sexist thinking. Does that mean he would not have kept dating you if he felt too many other men had loosened you?

Get out of there, hun. Based on that comment alone, I would leave him. However, his other comments were manipulative and just plain hurtful. He needs to go.

Daemonblackfyre0 1 7h58m

I’m sorry but your boyfriend is a dick Kimberly.

ItsOkayPromise 1 7h59m

Will you update this post with what happens? I'm invested now...

imdad_bot 1 8h0m

Hi invested now, I'm Dad👨

[deleted] 1 8h7m

The pussy on that porn actress looks totally fine. Pussy's and Dicks just look weird and funny, it alright. You bf probably hasn't seen a bunch and also sounds kind of insensitive.

bjwindow2thesoul 1 8h21m

Your boyfriend is an asshole for commenting that, but you shouldn't break up over that single comment. It's petty. Tell him what a big deal this is and give him the chance to apologize

nnalamn 1 8h27m

What. A. Douche.

I bet you don’t think his balls are worth framing, but you don’t tell him that, right?

I think the comment from a nurse who said that he might have more relationship with women online through porn than in real life might be the wisest one. Don’t be ashamed even for a second about what you do have.

StraightNoChaser86 1 8h27m

He's a dud, move on.

Nightshade301 1 8h29m

Honestly, I have my doubts on the whole lots of women thing. Because if that were true he would know no labia tend to be different for everyone woman and wouldn't have had to go running to his friends for conformation. The fact that instead of apologizing for his comments he doubled down and got defensive would be another deal breaker for me. The way he ended makes me think he is gaslighting you so you can have surgery to make them more pleasing for him.

end the relationship. Do not marry him or start a family with him.

PEITater 1 8h30m

Bro, you can’t just do that 😂😂 he’s got some learning to do.

BitchySublime 1 8h33m

Your bf sounds like an ass, first for the thoughtless and hurtful comments and then for doubling down and shifting the blame to you for getting your feelings hurt. I'd feel the same in your situation, it's a hard thing to get over when someone you love suddenly makes you feel so insecure or you aren't good enough.

fewkillallama 1 8h34m

maybe he didn't know about meatty waffles?

bubblegrubs 1 8h35m

I wasn't going to agree with the ''break up'' idea if your relationship was otherwise perfect, but after he doubled down and told you to get surgery when he's the only problem... that is madness.

I had a look at that pornstar, for science (I joke but I went and judged the labia) and that's a good looking vagina. The labia are slightly ''there'' but they aren't large by my experience anyway.

And I can't believe he doesn't see the correlation between labia and foreskin. What a moron.

If he doesn't do a complete 180 and see the error of his ways, consider if that level of maturity is even ready for a baby/marriage.

ravendaisy_eyes 1 8h36m

Side note I HAVE had a labiaplasty but it was MY decision because they were so long I kid you not I'd get them stuck in my leg or in an uncomfortable position and it would hurt SO bad. Let me tell you not one guy had the balls to comment on this. I was engaged at the time I got it and my husband fucked me before, while I was all stitched up and gross (which actually felt amazing because the stitches itched hahaha) and after. And that's a fucking man. Go find you one of those and NEVER feel bad about who you are!

Kyliewoo123 1 8h36m

I’m a PA in women’s health, seen thousands of vaginas. Labia are normal anatomy, you have nothing to be ashamed about. Sounds like your BF doesn’t understand the female body... or how to be respectful to people. Sorry, OP, I’d be truly hurt as well.

fruedsigmund 1 8h37m

Sounds like a real winner.

Magicalunicorny 1 8h39m

There's a lot you can do here. On one hand he might just be an oblivious idiot that needs a good stern talking to. You've already told him that his comments were out of line, I'd say next step (if you still want to repair the relationship) would be to demand an apology from him. You have nothing wrong with you, and he needs to understand what he said was completely unacceptable.

On the other hand, maybe you should look back on how he's treated you. Is this really an outlier, or is he just a raging douche bag? I can't imagine ever suggesting to my wife that she get plastic surgery, especially for something that unnecessary. The fact that he sees nothing wrong with what he said is astounding to me.

SilentDegree4 1 8h42m

Usually im a positive person looking for solutions... but this...

He is body shaming you. Thats just so wrong... and he seems to have very female unfriendly ideas also.

imdad_bot 1 8h42m

Hi a positive person looking for solutions, I'm Dad👨

Sheldwyn 1 8h42m

This sub is heavy on the "dump him" if something goes the least bit wrong.

But dude suggested you mutilate your genitals. You said your labia are sensitive after sex and you like touching them because of it. They provide a lot of the good feelings for sex, but hey let's trim that back....

Sounds like you just need to throw the whole man out and start over.

spenniee7 1 8h43m

I really do believe that this train of thought of his actually stems from the LACK of knowledge and experience, unless he’s actually referring to the “lots of women” from porn. I’m so thankful my mom sat me and my three brothers down when we all started to hit puberty and had “the talk” with us, and explained everything all the way down to porn and how it can really warp a young persons perspective from an early age. She talked about how she doesn’t condone the usage of porn, and how it can make people feel insecure, and set the standards for how the female body should look for a young man, and a young woman. With that being said, I did end up being in a two year long relationship with someone who was addicted to porn, and as a result would say horrific things about my body. This made me feel disgusting, I developed a severe eating disorder from it. I hated myself and my body. The relationship never got better, I increasingly became very aware of my body, and obsessed with the way I look and others around me. The relationship eventually ended, and developed a new attitude “love my stretch marks as much as you love me as a person, or you can go fuck yourself” and then I met someone new who I’ve been with for three years who loves my body, and respects my feelings about porn. If I were in your shoes, I would definitely start creating a plan to leave the relationship. You went this far with the belief that your partner loved you and your body for what it was, and now he’s revealed his problems with it. The feeling of rejection, doesn’t get better, it only worsens and developed into this ugly ball of insecurity, doubt, and bitterness toward him.

WestAfricanWanderer 1 8h45m

People will say this is extreme but your SO isn't 16 he is 34. This is who he is, what he said was disgusting and he hasn't even shown remorse. Do you want to have children with a man who views women this way? Are you really happy to spend the rest of your life with a man who refers to women as being 'worn out'. If he was younger I'd give him more leeway to grow and change, but he's an adult man. There's no excuse. For me this is a dealbreaker.

Ms_Diva_Muffin 1 8h46m

I can't believe your boyfriend is 34. Seriously! It sounds like something a 15 year old porn addicted virgin would say!

He has no idea about the female anatomy. And telling his friend about your labia when you first slept together?? And then saying you could have an operation ?

I would seriously consider dumping this guy. I know that I for sure would not be with someone like this!!

bittrRemnant 1 8h48m

You should trust your feelings about this guy and move on. After reading your story I forgot your ages, looked again, and I'm just shocked that a man in his thirties who has been with women has not updated his view of what women's bodies look like.

QuietKat87 1 8h50m

I am so sorry he said those things to you. I can assure you that you are totally normal, and should not allow him to make you feel bad.

IMO his comments read as very misogynistic. I could never be with someone who made me feel that in order to be attractive for them, I'd have to get surgery.

To me, it's just not worth it being with someone like that.

How is he going to react when your body changes after pregnancy? Or when you age? Bodies change all the time. If he wants a body that never changes he can buy a sex doll.

The fact that his friends share his views is even more concerning. By 30 he should have life experience that shows him how inappropriate his comments were. He sounds incredibly immature.

RedEelz 1 8h51m

He sounds shallow. There are indeed guys out there that either a) wouldnt care b) like it larger (more to play around with during oral). Don't feel bad about them, they're a part of who you are

rwilkz 1 8h51m


jessekief4 1 8h52m

This sub Reddit is out of control

Bangbangsmashsmash 1 8h53m

What an incredible insensitive jerk! Oh, I wish I had the link saved, but there’s a gallery of photos so that women can understand what normal is. It’s actually very helpful. After sex, everything down there is flush with blood, slightly swollen, and sensitive to the touch. For him to suggest what he suggested (to me) shows he watches too much porn, or his standards of “beauty” are unrealistic.

tonguetiedsleepyeyed 1 8h54m

It makes me uncomfortable how self-centered he is in this conversation. Have you tried revisiting this after the post-sex moments? I've learned that's really a rough time to talk. But often these little moments show who the person is, and again, how self-centered his is unnerving.

Bobsledtohell 1 8h57m

What I am going to say will probably not be popular, but you need to read, and consider it.

YOu asked your boyfriend a loaded question. YOu wanted to hear him say something that was positive and reinforcing for you. Your boyfriend was totally honest with you. A bit of a dufus for discussing your pussy with his friend and his notion that you were somehow "worn out", but honest nevertheless. You didnt like it.

I dont get it. You have a honest boyfriend, who is prepared to accept you as you are because "he loves you". You love him too and were generally happy until you got an answer to a question that you were not happy with. You tried to make him change his (past) views by telling him about circumcision. He didnt.

And now you want to end your relationship. I say that you make peace with your pussy, his comments and live happily ever after

Looneytuni888 1 8h58m

At best his comments were distasteful at worse they were cruel. Dumb boy

CharlieECHOdelta42 1 8h59m

Leave him.

ausdfw 1 9h2m

What an idiot he is

cranky_sparkle 1 9h3m

Obviously the guy loves you, otherwise he wouldn't be with you for this long. And he clearly feels comfortable enough to tell you what was going through his head when you guys first met. It's not like it's the first time you had sex and he saw your vagina and jumped back and said "eeewwwww gross." I really don't get why you're so mad OP, (to the point of breaking up over it ...really??) maybe he could have expressed it better but it didn't seem like he was overly out of line there. He basically told you what was going through his head, and said he loves you regardless. And it seems like you got really pissed about it so then once again without much tact he told you that if you're so sensitive about it then you should get it removed. Ease up, maybe talk with him about how he could word things better or not just say anything that pops into his head, but breaking up over this seems a little too far. Anyways g'luck.

UddersMakeMeShudder 1 9h9m

To cut against the grain from the rabid "break up with him" mob, I feel you'll regret breaking up with him over something as trivial as dumbass comments based on ignorance.

If you've had a good relationship, and continue to, and his feelings about this have literally never come up in 4 years, I dont see why this is the point at which the relationship should die. He was honest. Though natural, a lot of men dont find those kinds of labia as attractive as others - but that doesnt matter, because it's about the person not the vagina. He even literally said he's past it now because he loves you.

Just be honest with him about how it made you feel, and ask him to be more considerate of your feelings. That's as far as it needs to go in a healthy relationship. You'll get over it, unless you had a disproportionate amount of investment in the aesthetics of your vagina. But if my GF broke up with me over something like this, I would just assume she'd wanted to break up with me for some other reason but she wanted to make it something that I did rather than her own feelings about the relationship

toxic_pantaloons 1 9h11m

iirc, having a labiaplasty can affect your orgasms too, since so many nerve endings are in that area. Don't potentially mess with your O's cause your boyfriend got his sex ed from porn! Educate him or find someone who appreciates your body just the way it is.

banffits08 1 9h13m

If you’re anything like me and decide to stay with him, I can tell you that this knowledge of him “wishing they weren’t there” (which he so eloquently projected onto you via an “innocent” question) will remain in the back of your mind forever. You’ll be self-conscious about them every time he sees you naked from here on in. Even if you get them “fixed” (don’t!) your self-confidence won’t be the same around him, likely ever again. In any case, whether you decide to stay with him or not, at least show him this:


Hopefully it will open his eyes a bit to the realities of female anatomy and what the “norm” really is.

ElectricalInflation 1 9h17m

Girl with a big labia here 🙋‍♀️ I used to get really cruel comments, dangly ham, must be because I’ve been about etc. I honestly didn’t know anything was wrong with them until these remarks, it’s always made me self conscious because they are fairly large but don’t really impact my sexual health or cause issues so I’ve refused to opt for a labia plasty.

The last boy I was with made a remark about how much he liked them so I opened up about my insecurities and he said it was ridiculous, it’s just a bit of extra skin.

If he doesn’t like the look of it, he doesn’t have to look at it. He’ll sharp change is mind when he wants sex.

I’ve personally become to love my vagina because frankly there’s nothing fucking wrong with it and people don’t complain when they’re inside it so who cares what it looks like.

Chris-De-Burger 1 9h17m

Tell him to fuck off

mad_alice7 1 9h17m

The labia is part of us women that is considered so personal and intimate, and having him reveal his true feelings about it only now is really shocking. Majority of women in this world do not have porn star vulvas/labia simply because theres as many vulvas as there are women. Dicks all vary in size, shape and colour too isn’t it?! Like every other body in the world!

His lack of being able to connect how his dick looks different from a million other dicks just makes him a real jerk. I’m sorry he said such hurtful things about your body. You must know that it is unwarranted and definitely means nothing to other mature adults like yourself.

Also there is no medical need to go for a labiaplasty. I would seriously consider dumping a guy like him. You didn’t even have space to complain about his dick. Good news is there are so many other good men out there.

EarthBelcher 1 9h24m

He is allowed to have his preferences but damn if that's not cold. Not to mention, this dude was late 20s and still had the belief that your labia were like that because you were "worn out"? He needs to do a bit of studying on human anatomy.

It's unfortunate that an otherwise happy relationship might end because of this but I can easily understand why you would do that. It is very easy to become insecure of our genitalia and that is something that may stick with you for a very long time if you stay with him.

Hopefully you find happiness no matter what you choose. Either way, find happiness with your body and dont let his opinions tarnish your personal view

[deleted] 0 8h15m


nightmaremain -2 8h29m

This was my thought after reading her porn statement. Just because their in porn they aren't "Real women"? And somehow shes supposed to be the innocent one in this conversation?

ETA: Plus the fact shes being judgey of their bodies for being "Nicer"

puppydogchicken -1 5h31m

So this was the first clue that you’re dating an idiot?

NeoPieMaster -1 6h42m

yeah i wouldn't end a relationship over the content of this conversation. its fine if he has a warped perception of the female body because a warped perception is whats shown in media. I think the issue here is the lack of empathy, if it takes an excessive amount of effort to get him to consider your feeling or that you even have feelings about this, thats a pretty red flag. its not uncommon that people mess up social stuff like that, like he probably doesn't consider the conversation to be sensitive and it is, but as soon as you show its a sensitive issue and he continues stubbornly to assert that its not and not consider you.... it takes a type of person to be like that.

hott_beans -1 7h4m

Have you ever seen a guys penis for the first time and been like "eh, not as big / circumcised / etc as I wanted but the rest of him makes it worth it"? I'm sure he feels the same way about you. Pretty boorish of him to say something like that but you did ask and it sounds like he already looked past it a while ago for your other, well past redeeming qualities; if yall were talking about marriage and kids. How does he not see the correlation? I would have told him I was initially disgusted by his being uncircumcised and gauged his reaction. That lack of analogue recognition plus the boorishness makes me think he's a touch immature and maybe lying about his sexual experience.

Shhuzza -1 8h28m

You asked, he answered, you didn’t like his answer, i’d give it some time and maybe some time of not being intimate. Your correlation with an uncircumcised penis seems correct to me. Keep communicating And give him some warning and the reason instead of just dumping him if that’s what you want to do. If your sex life was good up until this incident I’d make an effort.

nightmaremain -2 8h22m

So theres a lot of misinformation in this thread. Sex education is very poor in the U.S. He likely doesn't know much about the female body because he wasnt taught about it which isnt his fault.

xxNightingale -3 2h29m

End it.

He doesn't appreciate it. Real men don't differentiate.

take1990 -5 3h59m
nosafespaces -5 8h12m

Unfortunately you have to sort by controversial to get real advice. Lots of these comments are just affirming the decision you already made. Good luck finding someone who won’t tell you the truth when you ask.

weegy97 -7 7h54m

Dont let the reddit train steer you toward leaving him , things are said and sometimes they arent meant like you think they are being meant. Your thinking of marriage which means you two have plenty of other things in common , it's not like the relation ship is only in bed so sit down and talk about it before letting half of the reddit virgins tell you their two cents

PolarMarshmellow -7 8h19m

Sorry to say but large labia is creepy looking.

Ebb1974 -9 6h41m

You asked a question and got an honest answer that he was originally turned off by them, but got over it and loves you, and you want to break up with him why?

Yes, he is an idiot for answering that question honestly because every man should know that when a woman asks you if you like something about her body you have to say yes, but he screwed up.

You freaking out and wanting to break up with him just shows how insecure you are though.

What he did was a minor relationship mistake. It is your fault for asking a loaded question that only has one answer in your mind. In a sense, you set a trap for him, and he fell into it by being honest.

lorddio_ 4 8h52m

You're likely a misogynist troll but either way you have a very flawed take on the situation. Even if her question was loaded, he followed it up with a far more loaded question ("do you wish they weren't there?" op never implied that in the moment, so it was uncalled for).

If you think your partner is insecure about themselves, don't bring it up unless it is noticeably affecting their happiness, or unless they bring it up first. She was simply fingering herself and noticed her boyfriend looked uncomfortable by it and probably wanted to understand why.

His communication skills suck and this isn't even his first offense. "Minor relationship mistakes" from which you discover your partner isn't attracted to your body (this has happened on multiple occasions, based on op's comments) creates baggage over time.

But sure, he's not insensitive at all and op set him up by asking a fairly innocent question! /s

Darthshadow13577 -10 5h38m

You want him to be a partner, not a crutch. Breaking up with him because he answered a question about prefrence honestly is a bad decision. He offered a valid path that you simply don't want to take and you're claiming that it was an insensitive comment. The only real reason here to break up would be because you don't seem to have enough esteem to be in a relationship.

Cara6190 -11 2h24m

If this is the only issue that the two of you are having, since he said that he loves you now and has gotton over it, what you need to do now is trust those words. it's very important in a relationship to trust the words that the other person is telling you.... you need to always give them to benefit of the doubt until you find out that they are in fact a chronic liar, and then you cut them out.

TheperfectDoctor -14 5h57m

Okay first i thought:" What a jerk" but then i thought:" what kind of insecure person rushes to end a 4 year relationship after one or two comments about their body". And the comment section made it worse. My point here is you already decieded what you're going to do. If you're really insecure about your labia then you could've compared yours with the millions on the internet and proved to him that yours isn't in any way strange.

However since you posted here i am guessing that the problem isn't his comment it's actually your perception of yourself. My problem with this is that you're punishing him for being honest and pragmatic. He's obviously more of a doer, when he sees a problem he points it out and tries to fix it (e.g " if it was such a issue for me I should just get them removed "). Of course he could've said it with more care but the statement translated was: If you're unhappy with yourself than change it, he didn't push you, he didn't said that it was disgusting. He just said that there is a physical attribute of you that he didn't like initally but as the relationship developed he coped with it and is now accepting you, and if you're insecure about this part then do something about it.

Listen, we boys get told really weird stuff about women and their anatomy (and vice versa). The truth is all genitals are looking weird and there are many blogs on the internet which follow an agenda regarding this so you can't blame him for not knowing every detail in the development of the female sexual organs. And labia development isn't even important for anatomy/embryology exams in med school.

So im my opinion in this instance your body image is the core of the problem and proper communication secondly. And this problem will reoccur if you're not getting more confident about yourself. i think the reason why you posted (and this is not meant as an attack this is just my conclusion) this is that you lack the skills to emotionally handle that your partner actually doesn't like every physical detail of you which is normal, and let me put an emphesis on this, everyone has at least details on their body that they don't like so everyone got body image issues, yes your partner should like your body and since you're together for 4 years he obviously loves yours. And it isn't his duty to protect you from every negative emotion. And you really should not reassess the entire relationship and every comment he or your friends made if something bothers you about yourself.

So my advice is try to learn communication skills with him, look up labias so you don't feel insecure. Try to get more confident in your body and yourself. Because something like this will happen again, with basically everyone because we all are aging.

suestrong315 2 7h40m

It sucks that you're getting down-voted bc as soon as she said "I'm considering ending an otherwise happy relationship over comments about my labia" I said what the actual fuck?

Your comment is very well articulated and I think you offered solid advice.

LowercaseShipwreck 0 7h45m

Jesus. Get help, please.

[deleted] -15 1h7m


quietlycommenting 14 1h27m

Oh fuck off out of here you absolute dingus - a genealogist studies family trees not vaginas. The word you’re looking for is GYNOCOLOGIST you fuck nut.

Ratatoski 7 1h32m

What the actual dude! Do you even know what an genealogist is because they sure don't work with genitals. Think you confused it with another "difficult word". A health professional would not ask for pictures of OPs genitals. And she already told us the name of an actress with a similar look if you want to know how she looks.

teachingprogram 7 1h36m

I seriously wonder about what king of person you are IRL that you think it’s ok to post this

ollieoliverx000 -5 1h43m

It was just suppose to be funny, like a guy who really just wants nude pics but doesn’t know the terminology. I’ll delete it you sensitive fucks.

Heartlxss_capalot 3 2h10m

What did it say

BaggiraBaggy 2 1h34m

You mean a Gynaecologist?

A Genealogist helps you trace your ancestors. For example, a genealogist may be able to discover who your immigrant ancestors were and where they came from. Or, a genealogist can research one of your family lines back to a specific time period or individual.

Good try though.

ollieoliverx000 -15 2h27m

It said I was a genealogist (as opposed to gynecologist) and offered my services if she wanted to send some pictures of the area in question. Seriously, what 30 something year old human doesn’t know what gravity does to a woman’s body?

Stellarpills -25 3h6m

Lmao the only thing he said that was SUPER stupid (in my opinion) was that you should remove your labia skin.. that was uncalled for and you should def ignore his ass for a bit. However, blaming him for being ignorant of how the "all mighty" vagina works is moronic, And asking a bunch of random people on the internet if you should end your 4 year relationship over something so trivial is very foolish and is no different from how he gained false information from his friends about the labia, so it also makes you a hypocrite. Maybe you should be a little more responsible for your own esteem instead of hinging everything on what he thinks, i mean he stayed with you for 4 years...thats hella commitment for a guy now days. Perhaps you should be a big girl and get over it and shut sex down for a bit and see how he reacts after that. Sheesh women wonder why they are lied to, you clearly lack the capacity to handle any kind of criticism. but remember men hate being ignored and he def deserves that, but i dont know the full scope of your relationship so i can't properly weigh in too much. but we tend to get more romantic when we are placed in the dog house. Pro tip.