There is nobody on the face of this God-given planet who can clapback on your ass better than a black person. I mean nobody. It’s like all those years of joning in the back of the bus and playing the dozens was simply preparations for the day you would have to get somebody together if they step out of line. For some unknown reason, we have an ingrained capability to go from Tamela Mann’s, Take Me to the King to Crime Mob’s, Knuck If You Buck in a matter of seconds.

And that’s what the black people of Oakland did to Laura Lynn (that’s probably not her name—but it sounds white, so we’ll run with it) to show her what happens when you call the cops for some bullshit.

Unless you’ve been hiding under a rock, then you know about the latest caucasity that occurred in Oakland, Ca. A couple of days ago, a few black residents decided to enjoy a day in the park by hanging out and barbequing. Apparently, this was not okay with Molly Sue (also not her name), the local, unappointed park ranger. Since Barbara Lee is of the Caucasian lineage, she felt it was her sole responsibility to protect the earth from the coals being used in the BBQ grill.

Fulfilling her junior scout citizen police duties, Amber decided to confront the black people about their decision to use coals. After realizing the black people didn’t give two fucks about what she was saying, she decided to do what wypipo love to do when they get nervous, uncomfortable, annoyed, suspicious, don’t want black people in close proximity or their wypipoling is being ignored—call the police.

Proving her loyalty to the land in which her forefathers stole—Susan stood in front of the black people for two hours waiting for the police. Once they arrived and she didn’t get the results she wanted, Barbie decided to create a bigger scene—turning the tables on the black people who were minding their business to begin with. When this poor display of acting did not work—and the police went on about their business—Molly decided to what she should have done all along—went home and minded her fucking business.

Cue the clapback.

Do you know the best way to deal with a nosy ass, loyal to the cause, this is our land not yours racist who moonlights as a citizen police officer? I do. You call all your cousins, tell them to call of their cousins and homeboys, tell your new neighbors, your old neighbors and anybody else who is black to meet up at the park.

You bring your Bluetooth speakers, your coolers, all the liquor, the spades tables from your grandma’s basement, the double dutch ropes, and of course your BBQ grills with the charcoal because you’re about to throw the biggest fuck you Becky party you’ve ever thrown and on top of that—you’re going to film it.

In true clapback form to the #CookingWhileBlack incident, black people came out in droves to party at Lake Merritt Park where the black couples we’re harassed by the park usher. As the social media posts began to circulate, you could see it got real negro-ish as the electric slide commenced to the real black cookout classics (not Taylor Swift’s horrible rendition) and the smoke from the grills filled the air.

And because black people can never throw a simple cookout, we’re more than positive there were sides for days—none of which included Karen’s raisin potato salad.

According to the pictures, the party went well into the night as the melanated masses continued their fellowshipping. Personally, I hope they show up with their charcoal grills, spades tables, and coolers all summer. To make even sweeter, I hope Sarah the Snitch lives close enough to see and smell it all.

Better yet, how about she goes back to where she came from.



Shadress Denise
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