Arachtober Surprise: "Big Ass Spider!"

Wired Science blogger and entomologist Gwen Pearson reviews Big Ass Spider! -- a film about a giant, mutated spider on the loose.
Big Ass Spider
Image courtesy Epic Pictures Group

I always hesitate to review movies, because what one likes is a very personal thing. And, frankly, when I tried to explain why Spider-Man was problematic from a biological standpoint, I pretty much enraged the entire internet. I still get fan-boy hate mail a year later. But hey, it's Arachtober, and there is a major theatrical release featuring giant spiders. It must be reviewed, so I will take one for the Wired Team.

The movie title pretty much says it all: Big Ass Spider! You know that there will be a giant spider; that it will rampage and run amok on a destructive spree; that buxom girls in bikinis playing beach volleyball will have their game rudely interrupted by said spider; and that a hero will rise to save the day.

It's clearly meant to be a B-movie creature feature, but it doesn't quite reach the "so bad it's good" level. Think less along the lines of Tremors, and more like Arachnoquake, SyFy's 2012 giant spider camp-fest. Some good chuckles, and perhaps best experienced with the accompaniment of some alcoholic libations.

The creature effects in Big Ass Spider are excellent, but I was distracted from the awesomeness of an immense and highly irritable spider by the broad racial stereotypes in the film. Our hero, a schlubby exterminator with a heart of gold, is painfully creepy and awkward around women. You can get a pretty good overview of the entire film in this trailer:


Spiders From Mars

An obvious place to criticize giant arachnid films is the existence of a giant spider itself. Spiders don't ever grow to city-stomping size for a lot of reasons, some of them physical (mass to volume ratio), some of them biological (the inefficient circulatory systems of spiders limit their size.)

This is also a screaming spider. Spiders don't ever scream, although some do occasionally strum out a quiet tune.

The filmmakers have cleverly removed those criticisms with the origin story of their giant spider: "DNA crossbreeding from a Martian microbial fossil." You don't "crossbreed" DNA, and DNA degrades in fossils, but hey, you get the idea. It's an ALIEN GMO SPIDER.

So, that pretty effectively shuts down any fault-finding on the basis of physics or problematic anatomy. Damn it.

Instead, I will focus my nitpicking on the portrayal of the exterminator in the film. Pest Control Operators generally get no love in popular media. This is not helped by a few bozo exterminators that can be found on reality TV.

Many unsafe workplace practices were flaunted in this movie. For example, the exterminator's spray wand frequently discharged unexpectedly whenever a pretty girl entered the scene. You should never wave your wand around like that in public. Always safely secure your nozzle during transport to avoid premature extermination. Personal protective gear should also be worn whenever there is a risk of wand emissions.

This dialog indicates a careless disregard for pesticide registration and restrictions:

"Raid is for housewives! This is a very potent brew. My own concoction of sticky acid. A few drops on a termite hive and it's history. (0:15:40)"

That is illegal. It is also stupid, but mostly illegal. Ideally, most pest control operations will have an ACE on staff (Associate Certified Entomologist). To get to be an ACE, you have to be fully licensed in your state as a restricted use pesticide applicator, and pass an examination about....using pesticides safely. (An ACE would also know that termites don't live in a hive, but that's a minor quibble at this point.)

If you hire a Pest Control company, and they tell you they make their own pesticides, you should run. Run far away. Of course, if there is an enormous irate alien transgenic spider in your neighborhood, you may already be running.

My suggestion would be to not run to the theater and see this movie; wait for the inevitable cable or online release and watch it then.

Full Disclosure: I got to watch a copy of BAS free, courtesy of the producers. I did not receive any financial remuneration from them in exchange for this review. Which is good, because they might want their money back.