Thursday, October 07, 2010

That Bitch, Bread

This is a t-shirt.
As a few know I am on a court ordered diet.   The doctor of course being the judge while my health acts as disorderly jury and executioner.   We're naturally hoping for an eventual "not guilty" but it's gonna be a long, long, long -- loooooong trial.   Metaphor soundly thrashed into the bloodied soil.

The long and short of it is I'm required to lose half my body weight.   Actually more, but I have some differences with Mr. BMI and his antiquated ass.  Besides half my body weight sounds cool and would put me at weighing somewhere in the neighborhood of where I was at in high school.   Pie in the sky aspirations?  Maybe, but I'm Italian so pie in the sky isn't entirely out of the question.

To help facilitate this removal of an entire person from me I've been hanging out with Nutrisystem for the past six or so weeks.  For those not familiar with Nutrisystem it's really pretty basic.  I give them $250ish a month and in exchange they give an entire month's worth of food - breakfast, lunch, dinner, and a snack.   The food is largely all MRE or Power Bar style stuff that has been chocked full of extra protein and fiber.   The worst meals are gritty and barely palatable while the best are fairly decent, on par with a reasonable frozen dinner.   Some of the foods lend better to the MRE process than others.  I'm already discovering the indicators pretty quickly and have been able to steer myself towards decent food.  When in doubt the power bar style, uh, bars taste exactly like one would expect and they get you along well.

To this assortment of microwaveable meals it is your duty to add fruit, veges, and the occasional protein and carb.  Generally this is pretty easy.  I consume bananas and apples pretty routinely.  String cheese and tofu are my buds.  I'm learning to cook veges in all sorts of creative ways (and should post some recipes soon) since I think salads, in general, are dialed-in lazy trash.  Plus lettuce is on a mission to choke and kill me.  Seriously, it's the asshole spousal abuser of the vegetable world.

Bread Eyes
How does all of this get us to my pithy title?  The "Carb".   According to Nutrisystem I get one carbohydrate with various meals over the course of the day.  One carb is generally a piece of bread, small roll, little smidgen of rice, you get the idea.   Now the problem.   Who the fuck eats one piece of bread?  Ever notice the bread bowl you get at restaurants?  Ever see one of those last 10 minutes?  Hell no!  Bread is an addictive, tasty, bitch.  As soon as I eat that one piece I want another piece.  I don't care what type it is or if there's butter, oil, jam, or faerie spit to put on it.  Bread comes in, at minimum, pairs.  At least then you can make a delicious sandwich.   This is the shit that keeps fat people fat and probably cost Van Gogh his ear.  Fuck Gauguin.  He did it because some asshole told him he could only have one piece of bread, inducing textbook bread-frenzy.   Dammit, if Van Gogh couldn't handle it how can I?

Bread is banned in my house.

As a result today I hit 397.  Which is nice because it's the first time in a few years  that I've been under 400 and marks 30 lost.  Not gonna lie.  I debated putting these numbers up because public admittance that you're that fat fucking sucks but hell it works for AA.

Hello, my name is Deke Stella and  I am a recovering bread addict.


  1. Aw, Deke, you give me courage and several, LARGE, belly laughs... I've received the same ultimatum from my doctor too. I received my sister's death certificate this week and the reason for death: cardiac arrest with underlying causes of obesity, cholesteral, etc., etc., etc. That pretty much scared me in to reality, 57 is way to young to "pass over." I'm proud of you and give you kuddos for admitting your addition to bread. Love you, my friend. Cynthia

  2. Where do I get fairy spit for my daily bread?

  3. Congratulations on your success so far Deke! Your 30lb weight loss is really something to be proud of! In addition to blogging, you may find it beneficial to check out the different features and tools located in our online community at Through forums like Food Talk and Tips and Nutrisystem Recipes you can gather ideas and suggestions for preparing the program foods and incorporating add-ins that fit your specifics tastes. Also, keep in mind that we have a number of fun and exciting weight loss challenges to join in on, support groups for extra encouragement and even places to log your progress! Additionally, you may find it beneficial to check us out on Facebook and Twitter for exciting news, helpful advice and extra support while you are on this weight loss journey!