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Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Fail Kitchen - How to make creepy apple grins


Monday, September 29, 2014

Only child versus the twin




Only Child had the demeanor of almost every only child I've ever met. She was sweet, cute, happy to be alive, utterly intrusive and slightly irritating. This is not her fault. She is alone ALL THE TIME and just wants to play with another little kid for cripes sake.

Dulce, however, was having none of it.

As a twin, she NEVER gets her mommy alone. This was, without exaggeration, the first time we've ever had one-on-one time together. She WANTED it. Needed it.

She was not rude, and neither was I, but it was super uncomfortable having to continually redirect Only Child away from us. Under normal circumstances, I'd have made my kids play with her.

When we explained Dulce was a twin and this was our special time together, Only Child (being only 7), kind of understood, but her understanding was not enough to overcome her desperate desire to have a playdate (or even a makeshift family...her mom was travelling in New York, she told me). She kept popping up, trying to play, and I tried to make room for her, best I could, gently trying to convince Dulce to play with her.

Finally, Dulce looked at her and said, "this is my special day with my mom. I never get one because of my twin sister. You're nice, but we don't want to play with you right now."

Only Child: You're lucky! I don't have anyone to play with ever. In fact, hardly anyone talks to me. I have to come to the library because Grandma needs her books. But I have to stay over here while she gets them. I'm really lonely. Hey! Let's play this Elmo game together, it looks really fun.

Dulce: headdesk.

We eventually left to go make our own cupcakes, but I still feel bad for the girl. And while Dulce says all the time that she wants to be an only child, I don't think she really means it.

I mean, at the grocery store we had to buy a flower for Natalina, and a lollipop for Natalina, and we had to decorate a cupcake for Natalina, the way Dulce thought Natalina would like it.

And as soon as we got home, Dulce looked around and said, "I wish Natalina were here!" Then caught herself, shook her head, and said, "I mean, no I don't. I want to be an only child."

The grass. It is greener.


Sunday, September 28, 2014

Saturday, September 27, 2014

The rest of the Go the Fuck to Sleep series


1) Put your goddamn shoes on

2) Brush your fucking teeth

3) Get in the goddamn car

4) I dare you to roll your eyes again

5) Stop fucking crying

6) This shit isn't important

7) Go fucking play

8) Stop saying my fucking name

9) Go potty before I kill you




Friday, September 26, 2014

On being "that mom"


Obviously, I'm not a good fit here.


To give a brief image, when the girls were in preschool, and Obama won his second term, I went into the school all WE WON, GUYS! MAYBE HE'LL ACTUALLY DO SOME COOL SHIT THIS TIME.

The moms quietened. Looked at me. And literally took a full step back from me.

Lesson one.

Later that year, the moms were engaged in a discussion about winkle sticks and bathing suit areas. I, of course, piped up, as I'm wont to do. They were shocked that the girls see me naked on a regular basis, know what vagina looks like, and etc. We went a little too far in this discussion. I said, "I'd much rather my kids see sex and nudity than killing and war."

Another step back. And I had to leave right quick before we got into a gun control debate, because, let me tell you, they were ready to second-amendment my ass back to Connecticut.

Lesson two.

So, I grew quiet. Because I did not want to be labeled "that mom." You know the one. The weird one that the other moms don't let their kids visit for fear of them teaching their preciouses another point of view. I didn't want my kids to invite a friend over only to get the cold shoulder because of my beliefs.

So, fast forward.

Now, we're in first grade.

And I'm still quiet with the moms. But not with my kids. We've had several talks about how, yes, some girls marry boys, but some girls marry girls and some boys marry boys and that's okay.

Yesterday in the car, one of my kids shouted from the backseat: "Mom, Jacky says you're a liar."

Um, what?

"Yeah, I told her that girls can too marry girls and she said no they can't and that's wrong and that you're lying."


I mean, what do you do with that?

Being the passive lamb I am, I told her I was not a liar, that girls can marry girls, and she could tell her six-year-old girl to look it up and read a fucking book.

Okay, I'm paraphrasing.

But, seriously, this is a delicate issue. I'm not going to tell my kids things I don't believe, and things that are outright lies, just to fit in here. Just so they'll fit in. And I know my kid is going to go right back to her friend and tell her that her mommy says it's the law that girls can marry girls and she's not a liar.

And that girl will probably not be allowed to come to my house.

It's sad.

But maybe she will? I'd let my children go to her house because I'm confident in the beliefs I instill in them. Although if they were going to a shooting range, I'd probably say no. So maybe I'm no better than them.

The trouble will be worth it. It has to be. It is what's right. What I believe is right, anyway.


Thursday, September 25, 2014

10 things sexier than breastfeeding

Oh Facebook. You again.

The other day, my friend at Fine and Fair wrote a great post on feminism and breastfeeding.

She used this picture:

Courtesy of Fine and Fair
Facebook denied her the oh-so-sweet privilege of paying a few dollars to "boost" the post (which, if you haven't noticed, they've changed their algorithms again so that if you do not "boost" your page's post, basically five people see it. Hello, ello).

ANYWAY, to commemorate this monumental occasion, here are 10 parenting occasions sexier than breastfeeding:

10) That time your toddler slipped you the tongue when you gave her a goodnight kiss and thought it was HILARIOUS. Okay, not all that sexy, but probably more french kissing than you usually get.
9) These slick drawings.



8) Laundry.
I mean, if you really want to get dirty.

7) Movie night.
Don't tempt us, Yzma.

6) These pajamas
Because if you are wearing them, the kids are most likely in bed, which increases chances of
actual sex by, like, 23 percent.

5) Wine

Literally the sexiest thing on the planet after a long day of rearing the next generation.

4) Grocery shopping

Where you buy the wine, duh.

3) Coffee.

It's sexy even though it never looks anything like the pictures.

2) The babysitter

This means a night out. Which increases chances of actual sex by 54 percent.

1) Grandparents

Because if you're really lucky, they might take the kids for the  whole  night. Which places chances of sex squarely at 82-87 percent.


So, in conclusion, Facebook should ban photos of grandparents. Because nothing turns people on like the possibility of eight or more hours to themselves.


Wednesday, September 24, 2014

How to be a ghostwriter -- Guest post


I've been ghostwriting for about a year now, which isn't that long really, but in that amount of time, I have been able to make a solid living doing it. Some people are interested in how they can do it, other's can't even imagine doing what I'm doing, and of course there are the people who don't even know what ghostwriting is.

For me, it's the best way I've found to pay the bills while doing something I love. I make more money ghostwriting fiction than I ever did writing articles or providing content for other sites. If you're interested in writing for a living, don't rule ghostwriting out simply because there's a stigma. I'd choose what I do over going back to work in a boring office any day, and I get paid well for my fiction. It really is a win-win for me.

I write primarily fiction, though I've dabbled in a bit of nonfiction ghostwriting too. I've written romance, science fiction, dystopian, legal thrillers, and a memoir just in the last few months alone. Currently, I'm writing three books and just got contacted by a repeat client to start a fourth in the next few weeks. At any given time, I'm working on three-four books at a time.

Because I spend the bulk of my time ghostwriting these days, I find that people have a lot of questions about what I do. I'm not ashamed of it, so I talk about it frequently, but I thought there's likely others out there with the same types of questions and no one to ask. So on my Facebook page, I asked my followers for questions about ghostwriting, and here are the ones I hear the most often.

1. How does the ghostwriting process work?

It works like any other writing does. I write a book. I send it off and voila! I get paid. Only one thing differentiates this process from working with a publisher, however. Sure, the book will be published, but under someone else's name. I sign a contract giving all my right to the work to the client upon payment. They do whatever they want with it, and I have no claim to the work. I sign non-disclosure agreements so I can never tell another soul that I wrote that book.

Some ask me, “Isn't that plagarism?” Nope. Not if I sign over my rights. I give them permission to use my work.

Some of my clients are anonymous. They know me, but I don't know their author names so I can't easily locate the book out on the marketplace. Others I know who they are as well as their pen names. I am never to disclose their information to anyone, and I sign confidentiality clauses to never tell anyone I wrote their book or that they use a ghostwriter. I stick to that, and would never risk their anonymity in order to brag about something I did. It's the only way to do business in this field.

2. How could someone do that?

If you're asking me how someone could publish someone else's work under their own name, you're asking the wrong person. Ask James Patterson. Or any number of big names who hire a ghostwriter (or as they call them, “co-writers”) to write their books. In some cases, it's writers who are in demand and need to churn out more books than they can handle to stay in the business, so they get some help. For others, perhaps they just want to be known as an author, but can't actually write a book. Sometimes it's people with a story to tell, but who can't find the time or the words to write it themselves. Sometimes these stories are ones that need to be told, and not everyone is a writer. I wouldn't know their reasons because I am a writer, and no, I don't ask.

But if you're asking how I can do something like this, that I can answer. It's pretty easy. I need to make a living. I want to make a living writing and doing something I love. I found a way to do it. Do I feel bad for it? Not at all. Why should I? They're the ones paying me to write, not the other way around. And I'd only feel bad paying someone else to write my books because well, I”m a writer myself. I can write my own damn books. But it just so happens I can also write books for others too. I enjoy what I do, and I get paid for it. That's how I do it.

3. How do you find ghostwriting jobs?

Initially, I fell into it by accident. I was on Elance, needing to get by when my unemployment ran out and applied for a job hoping to survive the month. That turned into ongoing work for me, and I've written 10 books for this client alone in the last few months. I haven't advertised my services, mainly because I haven't had to. I find most of my work on Elance, and I haven't had to work that hard. I submit samples, and I've built up a solid reputation already. Most of my clients are now repeat clients, people I work with regularly who enjoy my work, so I don't actively seek out new clients. Of course, this is different for everyone, and if the need arises, I will advertise my services elsewhere to grow in the field.

4. How do you decide how much to charge?

Since I fell into it, I had no idea how much to charge when I started. I just made up a number based on what the client listed in their ad. Now I have a going rate. It's based on how fast I can write and it comes out to $20 an hour. It's not uncommon to charge $1 per 100 words, which if you don't write fast, may not be worth it. I can easily write 10,000+ words in a few hours, so for me, it all works out. From here, I do expect to make more once I've built up a reputation with a client, but $1 per 100 words is a starting point for many ghosts.

5. What's the most difficult thing about ghostwriting?

Working with a client's expectations. It's always scary when someone gives me an entire outline, character sketches, etc because I know they have expectations. They hear those characters in their own head, and somehow, I have to get that voice down on paper. So far, I haven't had a problem with this, but it's always hard working with existing worlds and characters. I find it's much easier for me to create my own, and oftentimes I get to, but not always.

6. How does ghostwriting differ from writing your own stuff?

I mostly write in a genre I wouldn't write in otherwise. I'm not a romance writer. I write dark fiction and happily-ever-afters aren't the norm in my own work. That's probably the biggest difference of all. I do this on purpose - I personally prefer to keep my own style to myself. I wouldn't ever publish in the romance genre on my own, so it makes it easier for me to hand over the rights. It's still fun for me to write, and I get to explore worlds I wouldn't have explored otherwise, but the style, tone and voice are completely different than anything I write for myself. Another question I get is do I have to purposefully change the voice so no one realizes it's me.... I'm not big enough for that, so no, it hasn't been a problem. And like I said, I write in a genre I don't publish in. Two totally different worlds.

7. How many revisions, on average, do you make when ghostwriting? Does the editor come back multiple times for you to make revisions are is it generally in good shape after a time or two?

I haven't had to work on too many revisions honestly. I believe the clients themselves edit and revise, but for the most part I send it off and I'm free to move on to the next project. However, I do have two new projects that I've been asked to revise. One was not my fault, a similar book came out a week before I finished mine so we changed it to avoid copyright issues. And another was me working with someone else's world, and it's minor changes to get the voices right. So far, that's it.

8. How do you assess a job before accepting? Have you had any a-hole customers?

I've gotten very good about reading their proposal and determining if they're someone I could work with. Many times, if they offer a very low starting price with a promise to raise it in the future, I don't apply. I've discovered that too many of them never hire you back, they're just looking for cheap work and I can afford to be picky. Anyone that comes off as an a-hole, I look the other way. That being said, I have worked with at least one person who isn't someone I'd work with again. I got a bad vibe early on, felt they were too needy and demanding, but I wanted to be professional so I accepted anyway. It went okay, but the pay itself wasn't worth the stress. I try to stick with my ongoing clients as much as possible. They've been good to me so far.

9. How do you get motivated to write something that isn't your own work?

I'm a different type of writer than some. I don't get writer's block. I don't need to be inspired to write. I just write. I treat it like a job. I sit down at a certain time to write, and I write until a certain time. What motivates me is the deadline, the pay and the fact that I'm doing something I love. To me, this isn't a hobby so I don't treat it as such. I treat it as my career, putting in full-time hours (usually more than that) and I always get the job done. No exceptions. Sure, some work is harder than others, but I've learned what I do and don't like, and I've learned to write through the slump. If something isn't working at first, I just keep writing and it always becomes easier. Always.

I think of it like a job. This is still my work, and by doing a good job on it, I will get more work which allows me to continue doing this. I take as much pride in it as I would anything I'd publish under my own name. I don't have to have my name plastered on the cover for it to still be my work.

10. And finally, the biggest question I'm asked... Why don't you just publish the work under your own name and make money that way?

This is the top question I get asked. You see, I do publish work under my own name. I have several publishing credits to my name, some with prestigious anthologies. I've also self-published and plan to self-publish more books in the future. I've built up a decent following too. I'm no Anne Rice yet, but success in this field takes time. I have reasonable expectations and know I won't sell 10,000 books under my name just yet simply because no one knows who I am.

My clients already have a solid reputation so they can afford to pay me more than I make on my own. This allows me the freedom to stay at home, which for an introvert like me is very important. I'm still working on my own writing career, but in the meantime, I need to pay the bills. I balance the two so I'm still working on my own writing career, but also making enough money to stay home. It's not me choosing one or the other, but instead finding a way to work on my writing while still making ends meet.

Ultimately, as with any artistic career, if you want to make this a career, you have to stop thinking of it as a hobby. If you are a hobbyist, there's nothing wrong with that, keep doing what makes you happy. But if you're someone who dreams about being a writer or painter or whatever, you have to find what works for you, and you must start thinking of it as a job. Ghostwriting isn't for everyone. I'm lucky I have the time (no kids, no life, and the ability to spend 12-16 hour days working) and I can type super fast. There are other ways to make money writing, but this one just happens to work for me. And who knows, maybe it can work for some of you as well.


Kristen Duvall is a writer of tales both real and make-believe. A Midwestern girl at heart, she now resides in Southern California with her boyfriend, Great Dane, and a rescued calico kitty she lovingly calls the Kiki Monster. She's a full- time writer with one book out now titled Femmes du Chaos.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014




Meditative Music And Talk




Role Play 


Color the Blues Away


Fun with Food




Building Sand Castles or Legos 







Monday, September 22, 2014

Why parents these days aren't teaching their kids responsibility

Surely you have seen this before.


The truth of this hit me really hard because lately I've been consciously struggling with my parenting techniques, many of which, I've discovered, are still leftover pushbacks from when I was a child. You see, I remember being a kid, and while I never thought I had a bad childhood, there was one thing I never ever had (in my child-opinion). A voice. A right to bring my position to a conversation and have it be heard as if it had any merit at all. What my mother said is what happened, and we never fought that. She'd managed to magically rig the parenting life so that it was an expected and non-negotiable item.

I'd always hated that.

But until becoming a parent, I'd never known how much.

Let's take it back a second.

My mom grew up in a huge family in the 1960s in the inner city. She was the second oldest of twelve kids, and the oldest girl. As such, her mother had no time for that shit, and my mother had to take on the duties of mothering about six of the kids while my grandmother mothered the other six. The kids had very little supervision, because for serious, with twelve kids you do not have time. My mom was the supervisor, the protector, the doer of the things. Starting at, like, age 7.

Having gone through that, she had her own pushback when I was born, followed by my brother and sister. I was never asked to be their caretaker, she made extra sure I had free time and could be my own person, be a kid. We had lots of responsibilities still. Like all the chores and stuff you would expect a child of the 80s to be doing. But she was never like, "go take your brother and sister to the pool, be back by six, and don't get killed."

In fact, having had to do that herself at age 9, she was super-duper against it. She knew firsthand that the world was bullshit for little kids trying to get by without getting harassed, beaten up, or bothered. I was hardly allowed out at all unless there was ADULT ADULT supervision. She didn't want me to go through what she had had to go through. She didn't want me to have to have the responsibility of keeping little people safe when I was still little myself.

I just thought she was a mean old doodoo pants.

And my mother's style was that her word was final. The end. Done. No more. No arguing. And I just accepted that. But I hated it. So that, yes, if my grades were bad (which they never were, because my mom made it clear that was unacceptable), she would have come to me and we would have worked on the problem from that end. And as a kid, I would have felt bullied, pushed, as if it were unfair, because that would have been coupled with NO ONE LISTENING TO ME EVER, so that whatever explanation I had meant nothing.

Cue present day. I personally have six year olds, so we're not at the bad-grades-teacher-showdown part of life yet. But I can completely understand the parents who are, and I can see, now, why they are lashing out at the school system instead of working with their kids to improve work-ethic, understanding and responsibility.

Perhaps, like me, they felt AS A CHILD unfairly treated, not listened to, bossed around, and insignificant. They probably AS A CHILD thought they had a pretty good head on their shoulders, and really wished someone would just pay attention to them one time because they had some pretty good thoughts, feelings and explanations for the world.

So that when their own children come home bearing bad grades, perhaps, I mean, just maybe, there's an old memory that dislodges of a time when there was a legitimate reason for a bad grade on their part and no one gave two shits, and they were unfairly treated just because they were a child against the system. And maybe, without fully knowing it, the parents of today give the credibility they had as children to their children now, whether or not it's deserved. And maybe they don't ever want their kids to feel like they don't have anything worthwhile to contribute, that they can't fight an institutionalized system if its unfair, or that they have to take what is given and will always be at fault just because they're kids. (I mean, maybe, since no one ever thinks of these things, the parents haven't actually upgraded their thoughts about the matter, so maybe, just maybe, they're still coming at it from the point of view of an eighth grader and don't even realize it.)

So, in an over-compensation meant to avenge the child they once were, parents today lash out at the system they think treated them so unkindly, so unfairly. And the children of today don't understand the battle on which this system-attack is based. And therefore, the children of today simply feel entitled to good grades or whatever, just for existing...all due to overcompensation on our part, which stems from overcompensation on our parents' parts, which probably stems from overcompensation on their parents' parts.

And maybe we're all just trying to do the best we can.

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Priority Training



Which color sandals your sister is wearing is NOT more important than getting to sports on time.



Your sister didn't step on your scooter on purpose, but even if she did, that's not as important as actually scootering.

And etc all day long my whole life.

Yesterday, out at dinner, my husband took a crayon and drew my daughter a picture. She tried to make noise about where exactly he could draw it. She didn't want it drawn on her place mat. Of course, where it's drawn is not important. And he told her that. Then drew on her place mat a sketch of three boxes.


Which one of these is the most important, he asked?

She picked out the big one, and he said, yes. Then he told her she had a habit of concentrating on the small boxes and needed to let those go and focus on the big boxes.


It hasn't worked at all. But I still think it's brilliant. I really hope they get it soon.

Saturday, September 20, 2014

I have real kids now

Okay, so I've always had real kids, but around 7:30 a.m. today, this happened:

I had signed them up for soccer this season last spring. And last week I found out that soccer starts at 8 a.m. on Saturdays. Because, you know, THAT'S what I need. Still, I set my alarm (AGAIN) and dragged everyone up at 7:15. I was sure I had made a huge error.

Then this happened:

And I started feeling a little better. They started practice and my heart sunk to see that there was only one other girl on the team other than mine. And moreover, there were only two or three girls on every team of 10. Florida.

When my husband joined us a little after 9 a.m. for the game, he actually got lost. He went to the right field, scanned the players, and decided it was a boys' league and we must be somewhere else. Welp.

Represent, ladies.

Anyway, they had a great time, and soccer was really good for them because every time they tried to bullshit and whine, the whistle would blow and coaches don't give no shit if your shirt is a tiny bit wrinkled or you only had two cheezits when your sister had three. Time to play.

For me, a firm soccer player in my day,  I found myself getting pretty nostalgic. Something about watching a bunch of little kids scrambling around the field in a big beehive around the ball made me feel like a kind of sort of real mom. It's like a glimpse into the big kid world I totally want to break into. I hope we get there soon.


Friday, September 19, 2014

Domestic Life: The Struggle is Real

So, remember yesterday, when I made that abomination of a pie?


So, I totally sent that to work with my husband this morning, as part of his lunch. Because what is love without forcing family to eat kitchen fails? a few texts about it. They started, though, with a spork.

HUSBAND: Can we just throw out all our surviving sporks already?


ME: I didn't give you a spork today. In fact, I think I forgot to give you any utensils!

(Whoops. That happens sometimes. At least there was food?)

HUSBAND: Ah, good. Even no fork is better than a spork. There was one in there with the coffee. Maybe a long-term tenant of that compartment.

ME: Haha. Must be. Maybe I threw it in there forever ago for emergencies and forgot about it.

(SPORKS: for all your emergency utensil needs)

HUSBAND: What kind of pie is this supposed to be? Has a gray goop on it and an odd taste. I'm eating it cold. Better hot?

Or is it too a long-term tenant that I have overlooked for months?

(Welp, I guess it really is that bad, guys. Usually he likes my food, even the fails)

ME: No. I had some this afternoon. It's supposed to be a purple cream pie. It won't make you sick, but I tossed mine. Tastes weird. I must have messed it up.

(Ya think? Maybe a little? Also, it was NOT supposed to be a purple cream pie.)

HUSBAND: The crust is good. Ate the goop, too.


And there you have it. True love for you on a Friday afternoon.


Thursday, September 18, 2014

Fail Kitchen - Apple Roses Cream Pie

Yeah, no. "You're stupid dough hook."


Granola Strolla - S Post

There's a great new product trying to get off the that will keep that ground green!

Self-described as “kid friendly,” due to the durable product specs, amongst other things, the Granola Strolla is a portable, solar-powered battery pack/charger that utilizes 3D printing technology, combined with earth friendly materials to make sure those tablets and cell phones are always powered on.

Ben and Irene have launched a kickstarter for this promising new product. It sports a prismatic design, allowing it to catch rays at just about any angle, allowing for superior charging capacity.

Granola Strolla is a portable, affordable and easy to use solar charged batterypack able to charge USB devices as fast as a wall charger. 

The Granola Strolla works by absorbing power from sunlight, and storing the energy in its environmentally friendly Lithium Iron Phosphate battery. It charges up when you’re out and about so it will still have power when it is dark. The multi-directional design allows our product to always be charging. It’s light weight, water resistant and less expensive than other brands on the market.

It's an amazing idea, and I cannot wait to try it out. With all the battery-operated equipment we use today, this could be revolutionary.

Find them here

And check out their writeup in the Memphis Business Journal!

For more information, visit their website.



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