Sunday, July 28, 2013


You Might be a Liberal if…

1.     You think a journalist briefly embedded with American troops immediately loses all objectivity and credibility, but that a journalist with his head permanently embedded up Barack Obama’s ass can see everything with unusual clarity and honesty.
2.     You screamed and ranted to have Guantanamo Bay permanently shut down every day for years, but haven’t uttered a single peep about it since Day 2 of Obama’s First Term.
3.     You proudly proclaim yourself to be fully Pro-Choice, but insist that others should not be allowed to choose to buy a gun, pick their children’s school, smoke a cigarette, practice their religion, have their own doctor or purchase an extra-large soda.
4.     You have constant, irresistible urges to mindlessly bleat and follow the herd.
5.     You believe that the phrase “Separation of Church and State” actually appears in the United States Constitution.
6.     You believe “separation of church and state” means that the government can monitor and tell a Christian pastor exactly what he can or cannot say within the confines of his own church but that Muslim Sharia law should supersede American civil and criminal law.
7.     You know that “the right of the People” actually means “only the National Guard” and that “shall not be infringed” translates into “total control at the government’s whim.”
8.     You believe the purpose of the education system is to promote children’s self esteem and to “advance social justice” so it doesn’t matter if the kids can’t do basic math and are functionally illiterate upon graduation from high school.
9.     You think Adolph Hitler was a mass murderer but that Joseph Stalin was a “world democratic leader” and Mao Tse Tung was a “people’s agrarian reformer”.
10.                         You eagerly accept Al Jazeera, Whitehouse press releases, the SPLC, fortune cookies and Ouija boards as 100% reliable news sources but won’t watch Fox News because it’s all a pack of lies.
11.                        You think you are saving the planet by driving an electric car which is re-charged from a coal-fired power plant’s electricity and generates a large amount of toxic metal waste every few years when you have to replace the inefficient rechargeable lithium battery.
12.                         You believe that prior to 2008, Bush and Cheney were personally responsible and maliciously culpable when consumer gasoline prices rose anywhere over $4 per gallon, but whenever gas hits the same price range under Obama, the president has absolutely nothing to do with these sort of things and has no control over them anyway.
13.                         You think that the worst economy, unemployment and net job losses since the Great Depression for almost four years running is a fabulously successful government-led economic recovery and rebound.
14.                         You believe that the only thing the Media should “fact-check” for the duration of Obama’s Presidency is Saturday Night Live skits.
15.                         You refer to a Muslim or minority who happily machine-guns a school bus full of nuns and Girl Scouts on live television as “the alleged shooter”, “misunderstood” and innocent until proven guilty. At the same time, if a petty criminal paid government informant alleges that a white militia member advocated something violent, he should automatically be referred to in perpetuity as an evil racist homophobic bigoted blood-thirsty hate-mongering murderer.
16.                         You think that large American cities such as Detroit and Chicago lying in physical and fiscal ruins was caused by not enough government.
17.                        You see absolutely no contradiction and believe both when the government tells you that four out of five American school children go hungry each day while at the same time saying that seven out of ten American school children are grossly obese.
18.                         You believe no one should need to show any form of ID whatsoever to vote in an election but that it’s perfectly reasonable and acceptable that you should have to present two forms of government-issued ID, a DNA sample and submit to a full body search in order to attend a speech by Eric Holder explaining why you don’t need any ID to vote.
19.                         You think that paid union thugs and/or paid OWS protestors screaming for “war” and committing acts of violence and vandalism in the streets falls under the category of “peaceful, productive civil discourse” but that the Tea Party is an inherently dangerous army of hate-mongers with a penchant for violence who must be immediately and fully suppressed by government forces using any means necessary.
20.                        You believe that if you have a black father, a white mother and a last name of Obama, you are 100% black but if you have an Hispanic father, a white mother, and a last name of Zimmerman, you are 100% white. And racist.
21.                        You know that Freedom of Speech is rendered null and void if said speech might possibly offend a Liberal and/or cause “hurt feelings.”
22.                         You got really pissed off reading this.

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