How to Have—and Keep Having—a Vaginal Orgasm

Ella* asks: How do I have a vaginal orgasm and how to keep getting it? Not clitoral.

In my near decade as a sex educator, this is one of the most common questions I hear from people with vulvas**. Some want to experience all their body’s gifts. Others feel pressured to by society or their partner(s).

Whatever your reason, Ella, vaginal orgasms let you experience pleasure in a new way and enhance intimacy. Here are some steps to experience one—and to keep it coming (literally).

Know your vagina’s most sensitive spots

That would be your G-spot (learn how to guide your partner to it here), cervix, and A-spot.

Let’s get this out of the way: YES! Your G-spot exists. We aren’t sure what exactly it is and it might be more of a zone than an x-marks-the-spot, but for many people with vulvas, there’s an area on the frontal vaginal wall—that’s the belly-button side of your vagina—that, when stimulated, brings you oodles of pleasure.

Your cervix is the lowest part of your uterus that protrudes into your vagina. It feels a bit like the tip of your nose.

Your A-spot, also known as the anterior fornix or AFE, is an arch located just in front of your cervix. This more recently discovered spot, when stimulated, can quickly turn you on and get you wet.

Use the right kind of stimulation

Spoiler: quick and fast thrusts usually won’t do it. Instead you want slow, smooth, steady pressure. It may help you to think about how you enjoy having your clitoris played with and mimic that internally.

For the G-spot, you may need a lot of pressure—about as much as you enjoy during a shoulder massage! Your partner’s fingers or a heavy dildo like the Njoy Pure Wand may work better than a penis.

For your cervix, it’s best to get really turned on first or else it may feel uncomfortable. Your cervix also changes positions and sensitivity throughout your cycle, even if you’re on hormonal birth control. Generally avoid stimulating it right before and during your period.

For your A-spot, think slow, deep thrusts with some back and forth motion versus in-and-out. Because it’s so close to your cervix, the same precautions apply.

How to have an orgasm: Assume the position

The best positions for hitting any of these spots are ones that let your partner’s penis press up against the front vaginal wall. Think: doggy style, spooning, or any variation of reverse cowgirl.

Take your damn time

Real talk: it can take up to 40 minutes for a person with a vulva to become fully aroused—and just as long to experience a vaginal orgasm. Take the time to get really turned on. Once you find a position and type of stimulation that feels good, keep doing it to build your pleasure.

Adjust your expectations

Vaginal and clitoral orgasms don’t necessarily feel the same. Often vaginal orgasms feel subtle at first. They’re deeper and less explosive, and build if you stick with it.

Breathe into your pussy

As your pleasure builds, think about taking deep breaths all the way into your genitals. This will shift your focus there, heighten your sensation, and make you more likely to experience orgasm. You may also try breathing just through your nose as this engages your core and pelvic floor differently.

Strengthen your brain-vagina connection

Many people with vulvas are really disconnected from them. This isn’t a surprise given the shame and silencing that we experience, as well as the fact that experiencing an orgasm from clitoral stimulation is often easier.

Regardless, you want to teach your brain that your vagina can be a source of pleasure too. That means increasing how often you masturbate using internal stimulation and playing with your clitoris less, if at all. How strict you get with this depends on a lot of personal factors like how and how often you self-pleasure, why you want to experience a vaginal orgasm, and more. For example, one of my counseling clients found that simply avoiding using her vibrator a few days before intercourse let her experience vaginal orgasms. Meanwhile, another client had to stop touching her clitoris at all for several weeks in order to experience vaginal orgasm.

Heal tension, pain, and trauma

Many people with vulvas hold a lot of stress in them. Physically, that means having a tight pelvic floor—the hammock of muscles in and around your vagina and anus that support your core and internal organs, and  contract when you experience orgasm—and possibly pain with penetration.

If this is the case, I recommend working with a pelvic floor physical therapist. If that’s not possible, you can use your fingers or a dildo to find points of tension or pain in your vagina. Gently apply pressure, taking deep breaths, until it relaxes.

Create the right context

You’ll get the best results if you combine these physical techniques with the right context. For most people that’s low stress, high trust, and high affection.

You can experience a vaginal orgasm

It may take time and patience, and not feel exactly like what you expected. But if you let go of pressure to do it “right”, and embrace experiencing as much pleasure as possible, you’ll discover just how much joy your body can give you.

Your Partner in Passion,

Kait xo

Want me to answer your sex questions? Email

*Names have been changed.

**Using language like this acknowledges that not all people with certain genitals are the gender that was assigned to them based on those genitals. Some men have vaginas, some women have penises, and some people with vaginas identify as neither male nor female.

Featured image by Natalie Allgyer



Continue the conversation


  • Wow, so now I am no longer a woman, but a person with a vulva. I’m sorry, I’m all for diversity, rights, freedom and inclusivity for every human on this planet, but we should be very careful when this means taking other people’s rights away. I do not like to be referred to as a person with a vulva, I am a woman. Period.

    • > I totally agree with you. That’s political correctness for you and it’s gone way too far!!! Sorry, if someone has a vagina, whether she likes it or not, whether she feels it or not, SHE IS A WOMAN, period. Once she has a sex change, then it’s a different story.
      Same for a man. If a someone has a penis, biologically HE’S A MAN. Until, he has the penis removed and replaced.

    • I hate this comment because some people identify themselves as male when they aren’t and it’s stupid in all honesty. But if you have a vulva, it’s applying to you. Maybe you “identify as female” but if you don’t have a vulva this doesn’t apply to you.>

      • I hate the word identify. I was a victim of rape and I took on the identity of a rape victim. That made play the victim in my head like a record and the grooves were so deep i lost ME!
        I fought long and hard to get ME back! I’m am no longer part of a group. I found ME again. I am like no other! As they say, be yourself- everyone is taken. Identities and genders, and colors should be removed from our English language. Think if you were to fill out a job application and it didn’t have those questions. They would be hiring ME! Not my gender, not my color. Just ME!!

    • Boom. Thank you!!!!! Men cannot be us and will never be us. People need to stop minimizing what makes a woman and what doesn’t

  • Hello,
    You seem to be confused. Men do not have vulvas. Women have vulvas. Men have penises.

  • Wow there are a lot of assholes in your comments, huh?

    Thank you for a fantastic piece. Just had my first vaginal orgasm, and everything you wrote here makes perfect sense … and sort of validated my experience. Thank you again

  • What’s the difference between back and forth and in and out motion?

  • Really happy to read these comments, it makes me feel less alone to know that not only do other women have the same concern with sexual function as I do, but that they also like to be called women and don’t feel like they should be referred to as “people with vulvas”. I came here to read about a very sensitive topic that has given me a lot of grief as a woman and to get some advice for what to do, and I strongly dislike and resent my genitals being decoupled from my identity as a woman. Vulvas are associated with women, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I’m sorry and maybe I’m backwards for a person under 25, but, I don’t feel like you should insult the identities of the vast majority just to validate the identities of the minority.

  • I think I killed my clitoris with my vibrator. My partner used to be able to bring me to orgasm via clitoral stimulation quite quickly. But now he can’t. It’s frustrating.
    But what he does while he’s inside of me seems more earth-shattering.
    One session lasted 2 hours and he stayed inside me the whole time. Some Kama Sutra shit.
    At first I thought I was faking it. But just this morning, he got my whole body shaking. I don’t feel my vagina pulse like with a clitoral orgasm, but he touches a spot and my entire body quakes. It’s totally involuntary.

    It feels totally different.

  • Hanagirl have you gotten your clitoral feeling back? I’m having the same issue and dont know what to do now.

  • Hanagirl, I’m so glad I read your comment. I wasn’t really sure what a vaginal orgasm should feel like. I thought it would be the same as a clitoral one. Reading your comment gives me hope. Maybe I have had a vaginal one before and just didn’t know it.

  • WHY on EARTH would a woman be offended by someone saying she has a vulva??? A vulva is what the exterior female genitalia is called-all the parts together. I don’t understand how that is offensive unless you are ashamed to have one.
    Thing I do not like as a woman is how people claim that there HAS to be clitoral stimulation in order to have a vaginal orgasm. Not a single one of my complete vaginal orgasms involved clitoral stimulation by myself or a partner whatsoever. These people would say that I’ve never actually had one then. Make me squirt nine times and number ten is the big bang. The actual secret? The anus has to be empty and the man has to pull out-or you get off of him-woman can’t complete when he is inside of you or there is stool in the rectum. Can’t fully squirt either. Have him exit each time you squirt. Each squirt will come faster than the last. #10 and POOF! It also has to do with trust and respect of the man-you have to adore him and trust him completely or it will not happen with the guy. Ever. It really IS THAT simple, ladies. What I just told you will get you there almost every time.

  • Ashley- Excuse me but what? I’m assuming if by “big bang” you are referring to the actual vaginal orgasm then what are “squirts” 1-9? How do you know you are about to “squirt”? How do you make your body continue towards “squirting” if you are no longer being stimulated because he has pulled out. Wouldn’t the sensations just stop? I think a little more explanation is in order for those of us not in the know…

  • So many mad cis people in the comments. It must suck to get a taste of your own medicine, right?

  • I don’t think I’ve ever had a vaginal orgasm, but I do occasionally squirt. I do wish articles like this would also include the ways that vaginal stimulation can be pleasurable without resulting in orgasm. Many people can’t have orgasms for a variety of reasons, and I don’t think people who can are all able to “achieve” every single different kind.

  • I was born in a female body but have a complicated relationship with womanhood. The closest term that’d describe my experience is nombinary or genderless.
    I understand that some cisgender women are upset by being referred to as people with (insert female body part here), but as someone with said body parts who is probably not a cisgender woman, it feels inclusive of me. I have never felt that this language has reduced me to my genitals. On the contrary, I’ve felt that being referred to as a woman when it causes distress and dysphoria in me, solely because I have female anatomy, has been reductive. However, had I been a cisgender woman, still bearing the same stigma anyone with a female body has, I would probably think differently.
    These are conflicting access needs. I believe it’s best if both sides take a seat and realise we are not intending to hurt each other, but our different life experiences mean we will react to this subject differently.

  • So happy to find your website, Kait! I’m NOT under 25, I’m a plain old white lady, and there’s nothing about you saying I’m a person with a vulva that makes me less of a woman. Including others does it exclude me! And that’s just grand. Thanks for writing in such an open and thoughtful way.

  • Thanks for sharing that information. If a woman honors her feminine energy she will have rights unimaginable. At least that has been my experience. As a young female, my view is unpopular and often met with repulsion.

  • If the word “woman” is too sensitive for you, then please use the word “female”, which is the scientific term to identify sex as determined by two X chromosomes and includes everyone with a vulva. Or “most females” if you wish to account for SRS. I agree with many other commenters that it is incredibly insensitive to use the phrase “people with vulvas” in an effort to appease a relative few at the expense of the identities of the majority. You can address all of your target audience and avoid the sensitivity by simply using the term “female”.

  • I agree with all the other heterosexual woman who have commented on this article, i am a heterosexual woman and that is how i wish to be called. Period. I’ve read some comments in reference to cisgender, and the main topic of calling women “persons with a vulva”, on the LGBTQ+ side of the argument, please understand that using these terms is forcing a label onto someone. It is hypocritical when some of the LGBTQ+ community calls someone something they dont want to be called then gets mad when someone calls them something they dont want to be called. give the non LGBTQ+ men and women the same right and curtesy to identity as they want to be identified as. The LGBTQ+ community DOES NOT have the right to call someone else whatever they feel like calling them. We want to be called heterosexual woman. Thats what we want to be called. That is what we are asking you to call us, respect us and what is also our right to be called whatever we want to be called.

  • Jessica, I wish I could like your comment 100 times. This is what makes me unsympathetic to the LGBT community, is their taking away from us to make themselves feel better and saying things like that comment from ME: something about “getting a taste of your own medicine.” Excuse me, what now? You will NOT take away from MY womanhood to validate your own minority issues. Go figure yourself out on your own, but leave me and other women, who had to fight so long to be heard and validated in the first place, out of it, thank YOU very MUCH.

    I used to be unsympathetic to feminism, but because of all of this, I am now a TERF. NOW I feel that, thanks to these people, this is the first time feminism has been relevant since the 70s, because now we have to fight off trans people from taking away from the idea of womanhood by reducing our identity to people with certain body parts (see: this stupid vomit and People calling me a “person with a vagina”) when the experience of REAL WOMANHOOD is SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT right from our BIRTH.

    Am I a “triggered cis person?” HELL YES I AM. You people are fighting to take something away from my experience and identity just to make yourselves feel better about your own, and I can’t flip you enough middle fingers for it.

    I am now your enemy.

  • Cis women and men have thousands upon thousands of blogs like this they can turn to. No-one is forcing you to read this one. I, as a trans male, was extremely grateful to find this blog, because it widely uses gender neutral terms and so I can learn about my own body without even more dysphoria flooding my mind. Please just shut the fuck up Jessica. You cishets have been pushing labels onto us for hundreds of years. Don’t act like you are being oppressed by us. That’s just some clown shit. Does the straight panic exist? Does it? I’ll answer that for you, no it doesn’t. Are you being kicked out of your house for being a woman? No. Jessy just shut the fuck up.

  • Against some other comments below I must admit, I really loved, you wrote ‘person with vulva’, because you’re right: not all people with a vulva identify as female.
    I actually never read an article written this genderneutral, and we really need more of those! Through the article I really understood, how much acceptance is spread, by using the right words. Thank you so much for being this neutral, it really opened my eyes, and made me happy, as much as surely a lot of people not identifying as female but having a vulva.
    And about the rest of the content: thank you as well, this really took some doubts off me and you seemed to have researched quite a bit and always on the most recent studies in this field.

    A truly wonderful article!

    • Another thing: is being called a woman your whole identity.. is it so important?

      Being female is so much more than your genitals! there are people out there feeling and living womanhood without having a vulva. or a few that don’t quite know, haven’t figured out or don’t feel the need. they are as much woman as a cisgender woman can be.
      Just forget this need to put everything in boxes and categories, break things down to define them fastly.
      There are people, for whom such a simple change of words can mean the world, it should be our all interest to make people feel safe and accepted. Even more encouragement when there’s just literally literal change.

      This article actually proves that womanhood is more than having a vulva – being a woman is more than just your body, you would all agree on that right? Or are your boobs defining your womanhood? No, it’s a part of it, but overall it’s the female power we feel, it’s difficult to articulate what exactly makes us feel a woman, but that’s it: it’s about feeling it, living it, without sticking to knowledge, that was born as an assumption, written down and then by tradition kept by. Let’s break these rules, we know better now, we got people showing us: gender is more than the bodies we’re born with. And so does the article, and so probably any of you think. Let’s be in this together and for one another, open-minded and openhearted.

      Also no one expects you to do everything right and use the right terms immediately, it’s a progress!
      even more in a language your not so secure in (as I’m feeling about English, please excuse mistakes)


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