Day 43

Day 43 of 100 intentional reflective steps.

It was the rickety-est ladder I had ever been on. The narrow, uneven rungs threatened to snap under my weight. It felt like I was climbing out of a three story deep cement pool. Near the top, with just a couple of rungs to go, I made the mistake of looking down and got queasy. This made my legs turn to jello. I tried to gather my courage and steady myself but just within reach of the top my leg tremors and the loss of equilibrium caused me to lose my balance. The ladder, not secured at the top, started to first slide, then fall away from the wall.  Panicked I started yelling for help even though there was nobody at the top to steady the ladder. What a terrifying feeling to be in free-fall with nobody to help. 

Then I woke up.
One of the very real struggles of C-PTSD can be sleep deprivation.  Because the nervous system is running on hyperdrive all the time your body cannot relax. This happens even when you aren’t aware of what is causing the anxiety. 
After years of insomnia I finally found meds to help me sleep, which is AWESOME, except for when they give me nightmares. I wake up drenched in sweat, scared and anxious. Some days it feels like I’m damned if I do take meds and damned if I don’t because I know I won’t rest. 
Working with psychiatric meds feels like juggling knives, blindfolded.