May 20th, 2005


Splinter Hell: Confessions of a sword whore

Since I finished Halo 2 a couple months ago (could that game have been any shorter), I've been playing Splinter Cell. Beyond the fact that after playing Splinter Cell for a few weeks, I can't walk around the city without noticing every ladder and pipe and think, "I could climb over to the other side on that" or "I wonder where that vent leads to," I'm BORED.

One of the awesome things about Halo, Unreal, Doom, etc. is that you get to walk around and frag the shit out of people. I mean really kill the crap out of things. Yes, you have to watch your ammo, but you can get more by killing someone and stealing theirs off the dead carcass (if you left one).

In Splinter Cell, it's not like that. You have to tip toe around with your finger up your ass so no one can hear you. The secret is to get in and out undetected, and where the hell is the fun in that?!

I'm tired of waiting 5 minutes to just anticlimactically sneak up and jump someone from behind. It's... well... not as satisfying as taking a Plasma Sword and impaling the fuck out of some worthless mutant. That's all I'm saying. Well, after 8 or so missions, one can get—let's call it annoyed. And that's when it happened. On the Bathhouse mission, I just lost it. I wanted to shoot people. No, I needed to shoot someone. You can only tip toe through the tulips so long because you need to cut a bitch. And cut a bitch I did. I assumed I wouldn't get very far as shooting alerts guards and causes gameplay to become lame because you know you fucked up. I thought I'd just shoot a few people and start the mission over or turn off the sexbox.

It didn't turn out as badly as I thought thought. Still intoxicated by the feeling of blowing the smug smiles off some guardsmen, I pressed on, and I got far in the mission—near the end I believe. Unfortunately, now I'm nearly out of ammo and in a section of the bathhouse where I could really use that ammo. The right answer of course is to start the mission over, but I don't want to, because I sort of hate this game. Because I don't look forward to it, I only play it every now and then and get annoyed with it quickly. I long to feel the warm feel of a plasma sword, or rocket launcher in my hands! I need the sweet release that can only come from blinding hot carnage.

I think it's time to buy another game and just play splinter cell in my spare time when I feel the obligation to finish. I think it may be time for a little Unreal Tournament (The Liandri Conflict). I haven't played UT on xbox before, but since we got the 50-incher, I've just not felt like gaming on my PC anymore. Maybe Doom 3? Best Buy has 10% off online, and Doom 3 is on sale! Argh!

I dunno. All I do know is something is missing from my life, and it's a plasma cannon.
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