Isn't it about time you talked to your children about the TRUE enemy? No, not John Kruk, I'm referring to the deadly threat of vampires showing up and trying to suck their blood while they attempt to engage in pre-marital sex or shoot up heroin!

I recently had the pleasure of viewing the visual orgasm, "Queen of the Damned," a smash-hit Hollywood blockbuster film that forcibly lodged itself into possibly thousands of peoples' hearts. I assume these unfortunate folks rushed to their doctor the subsequent day, complaining of acute pains in their gall bladders and the sensation they had their mental virginity stolen from them the previous night. Like 99.9% of all vampire-themed motion pictures, this movie lifted the script from an Anne Rice novel, a prolific writer who sold her soul to the devil in exchange for the power to write and publish one vampire book every 38 minutes. If you ever experience a perpetually overwhelming sense of boredom in your life, take a trip to the "Faggy Erotic Goth Horror" section of whatever giant bookstore chain that has infested every street corner of your town. Upon arrival, you will undoubtedly be greeted by an Anne Rice full-frontal assault, as she pumps out so many goddamn vampire novels that the scientific community must constantly invent new numbers simply to define the quantity of books she produces daily. Despite the sheer volume of vampiricentric books churned out, every Anne Rice novel essentially boils down to the following summary:

INNOCENT HUMAN GIRL: "My life is boring and meaningless."
GOTH SEX VAMPIRE: "Hello, I am mysterious and full of angst. I also possess many vague powers and personality traits which do not fit the characteristic vampire model."
INNOCENT HUMAN GIRL: "I love you, please turn me into a vampire or at least impregnate me so I may produce vampire welfare babies."
GOTH SEX VAMPIRE: "My self-doubting and inner turmoil will not permit me to do so, especially since I am being hunted by enemy vampires or perhaps ignorant humans who cannot grasp exactly how mysterious and full of angst I am. If only I could defeat them." (Defeats all enemies)
INNOCENT HUMAN GIRL: "Now we may be together forever!"
GOTH SEX VAMPIRE: "Let me now say something which could be interpreted as a deep theological question."
INNOCENT HUMAN GIRL: "My life is no longer boring and meaningless!"

Of course Rice somehow stretches this theme over 90,000 pages and 28 different novels, but brainstorms clever enough plot deviations to keep readers hooked. For example, one book may take place in France while another occurs in New Orleans! As you can tell, France fails to geographically resemble New Orleans in any way whatsoever... in fact, many famous junior high school teachers even claim they're on separate continents! I didn't even know America had a continent; I always assumed it occupied a large island with Texas as an infected, unnatural, pickup-truck producing tumor hanging off the south. Obviously many people enjoy Anne Rice novels because she continues to churn them out like slave labor children chained inside a Taiwanese Nike factory. "Queen of the Damned," a movie based off the Anne Rice novel Memnoch the Devil, revolves around a highly dark, sensitive, brooding, emo vampire named Lestat who decides to start a goth "rock n' whine n' roll" band. As you may or may not be aware of, vampires enjoy crappy cliched pop music just as much as the rest of us, so nobody really owns the authority to claim vampires cannot produce this music in addition to purchasing it on vinyl (only the most "hip" people buy vinyl). His foray into the pulse-pounding and angst-inducing music scene, followed by his subsequent public revelation that he's actually an undead vampire who has been alive since The Big Bang, naturally irks the rest of the vampire community. Fellow vampires rise from the woodwork and swear to kill Lestat, a vampire who was already dead, which I guess means they intended to kill him by un-killing him by causing him to become alive once again. This may or may not involve stem-cell research, and if it does, I place the blame squarely on the Bush administration.

Japanese vampires may show slight cosmetic differences from American vampires, but you can safely assume they both seek the same evil goals, ones which don't involve "RUN" but probably involve "ATTK" and "MAGC!"

Lestat's music catches on with thousands or perhaps millions of teenagers with black bat tattoos across the country, elevating him to an uber celebrity who promotes his alternative lifestyle vampire way of living. Naturally, his stardom could not have been accomplished without the work of the Devil (or a deity of equivalent or lesser value), so we soon discover that "Akasha," the Egyptian Queen of all vampires, has been aiding Lestat in his quest to dominate the radio airwaves with music much crappier than regular, non-vampiritic music. For example, when people attempt to stab Lestat with broken chair legs, she makes them turn into rather poor CG animations which catch fire and float to the ceiling. Akasha has a plethora of powers even more effective and vague than Lestat's, and she uses these to cause approximately 100,000 people spontaneously combust for no apparent reason, additionally (somehow) murdering another 100,000 citizens of a remote island so Lestat can (somehow) walk in daytime without the fear of sun hitting his smooth, pale, emo skin which only has roughly 20 pounds of white pancake makeup per square inch to protect it. Nothing says "I'm deep and brooding" quite like engaging in White-Out facials. By helping Lestat reach fame, fortune, and ultimately a guest appearance on some reality-based television show, Akasha slowly reveals her ulterior motive: SHE WANTS TO KILL ALL HUMANS. Of course that's her primary motive as well, unveiled each time she regularly issues statements along the lines of, "I'd like to kill all humans," but I digress; this update is about crappy vampires, not a crappy movie about crappy vampires.

With the recent focus on Iraq, South Korea, and France, many people have grown confused and inadvertently forgot which minorities are the correct ones to fear and hate. Blacks have once again taken a seat in the back, although this time on the Enemy of Good Catholic White People bus. In the front of the bus ride the filthy Middle Eastern bearded raghead guys (they kind of all look alike, so let's just hate "anybody from a country with a lot of deserts and Allah"), the evil commie pinko North Koreans (who kind of look like every Asian person, so let's just lump "all of Asia" into this category), and the peace-mongering French (any man who orders a mixed drink measuring less than 80% alcohol at a bar). We know who to label as an "enemy," and our hatred for them grows every time the news media helpfully informs us to grow increasingly outraged at them. However, news outlets have really dropped the ball on the whole anti-vampire movement. For example, can you recall the last time you witnessed an anti-vampire report on a major televised news channel? Keep in mind that you cannot have been drunk or stoned at the time you claim to have "totally seen it, man." Reporters display a willing eagerness when exposing the filthy foreigners who threaten our way of life by believing in the wrong religions or wearing silly clothing, but what about the neverending vampire menace? I consider myself to be a fairly knowledgeable person; I watch movies (porn), I do research on the Internet (porn), I read books (pornographic novels about "sex" and "throbbing love carrots"), and I listen to the radio (serial dramas about porn). I know quite a bit about what goes on throughout the world, and I feel confident this consists primarily of vampires lurking in the dark, ambushing human suspects, and then reading gothic poetry about tears and the ocean.

In keeping true with Something Awful's commitment to public service, decency, and the upholding of American ideals such as freedom and freedom and also freedom, I am proud to present our handy guide to identifying and dealing with the vampire menace which the liberal media seems too cowardly to tackle. I have named this plan "Vampire-Free in '03," mainly because it rhymes and might therefore "stick" with the kids of today raised by the fast world of violent television, Nintendo, NASCAR, ironing boards, and circus tents. Once the year passes by, I intend on naming our newly-revised plan "Vampire-More in '04," although I'm not exactly sure what this plan would work out. It would probably involve lots of Xanax.

The Vampire Menace - How to Stay "Vampire Free" in '03!

Signs of vampirism may surface as early as age 0 and last until age infinity plus one.

A Vampire Factsheet. Vampires come in many shapes and forms. For example, you might meet a skinny and pale vampire with black hair one evening, and the following night you may encounter a vampire who seems pale and skinny yet has brown hair. Vampires have been labeled "masters of disguise" by many industry leading vampire analysts who attend major rock concerts. Black leather pants, Victorean-era frilly pirate shirts, fishnet stockings, "The Cure" sweatshirts; there's nothing these sinister creatures won't wear to blend in with the darkness. However, all vampires inherently possess a similar set of traits:

Sharp teeth. These pointy mounds of calcium or phosphorus or whatever the hell scientists claim teeth are made from have one purpose: to bite into your juicy, vulnerable neck! The strange, elongated, pointy teeth replace the normal "canine" teeth, so it may be difficult to initially notice this feature on many brands of popular vampires. When in doubt, call a dentist and ask him to identify the teeth of a strange or suspicious looking person. If he claims they are, in fact, a vampire, you are legally permitted to stab them in the heart with something along the lines of a pointy wooden stick, javelin, armor-piercing 7.62mm round, or your fist. When it comes to vampire murdering, dentists are recognized by the state as being official vampire detection units.
A distinct aversion to organized religion, particularly Christianity. Vampires despise and fear Jesus Christ due to his active "pro-vampire slaying agenda" back in the deep recesses of religious history. Mr. Christ would routinely break into enemy Egyptian money exchanging booths and spray a mixture of holy water and hydrochloric acid at nearby vampires. When he finished, he would then celebrate by turning meat into bread, water into meat, and fish into wine. As a direct result, vampires cannot get near a holy cross or else they will begin sweating and shaking while breaking into hives and actively complaining about the humidity. To test any person for vampirism, ask if they'd like to attend a sermon at your church, the Holy Mount Sister Catholic Christian Revival Cross of the Sacrifice Gospel Mount Saint Xavier Portugal in Space Holy Church. The Supreme Court has ruled that if they refuse, it constitutes a clear admittance of vampirism and they may either be killed or issued a hefty Federal fine.
The inability to hang out in daylight. Sunlight burns vampires into crispy gingerbread men from hell, so they tend to sleep during the day and go to goth clubs at night. If you know anybody who sleeps during daylight, please do your patriotic duty and burn their house down or else you will have your name reported to President George "George" W. Bush Jr. and Vice President What's His Name.

What Vampires Can and Cannot Do. Due to the media's constant failure to focus on the vampire threat, kids learn about these creatures from other children on the playground, in the streets, or on Mars. Okay, that last example only occurred in one of the movies I believe I may have seen, and I don't quite remember the circumstances surrounding it, so you might want to rule that one out. The point I'm trying to convey is that many people have been influenced by popular vampire myths and misconceptions. I hope this section clears away that nonsense:

Vampires are weak against Holy crosses, water, Bibles, and Dollyworld memorabilia.Vampires are weak against rock, grass, and water Pokemon.
Vampires drink human blood.Vampires drink Mountain Dew: Code Red.
Vampires can turn into bats.Vampires can turn into hogs.
Vampires die when exposed to sunlight.Vampires destroyed the World Trade Center.
Vampires are considered "undead."Vampires overthrew and laid siege to the city of Atlantis in 1752.
Abraham Lincoln was not a vampire.Abraham Lincoln was a vampire.

That helpful chart of truths and not-so-truths should help clear up any confusion regarding most vampire misunderstandings. If it doesn't, you may return the chart for the full value that you paid for it at any participating Subway store. If you turn in three or more copies, you will receive a special limited edition pinup photo of famous Major League Baseball pitcher Melido Perez.

Nice eyebrows there, Speed Racer.

Tips on Distinguishing Vampires From Not-Really-Vampires. In our Aristotelian world, many scientists classify living organisms as either "vampires" or "not-really-vampires." The "vampires" category include vampires. The "not-really-vampires" class contains everything else, such as "humans" and "Carol Channing," although many scientists still argue about the latter. Do you work with a vampire? Do you hire known vampires to babysit your children? By reading the tips in this section, you will soon be able to tell with your own eyes, or even somebody else's eyes if you've got way cool superpowers. Here are some questions to ask people when attempting to determine if they are of the vampirism persuasion:

"Do you have a mirror installed over your bed?" Vampires fail to show up in mirrors, so they tend to avoid them at all costs. If a vampire looks into a mirror, they will not be able to see their reflection, as they have inherent Stealth Bomber technology built into their DNA. However, vampires love having sex, so logic dictates that only vampires would want to install mirrors above their beds, as it would make it appear as if their partner is getting screwed by The Invisible Man, and hey, that's just cool no matter how you look at it. If the supposed vampire claims they don't own mirrors above their bed, insist on going to their bedroom to investigate. Do not be afraid to lay on the bed; many bedroom mirrors are only activated by pressure on the mattress. If no mirror materializes, that means the vampire has hidden it somewhere else, like in their bathroom or Paleozoic Ethiopia. Feel free to sleep in their bed and live in their house until the vampire produces this mirror and admits to their lies.

"That chick's got a nice rack, but hey, what do you think of her neck?" All but the most discriminating vampires find themselves attracted by the lure of a free brunch buffet on some ditzy blonde's neck. When hanging out with a suspected vampire friend, try slipping him this question to see how he responds. If he becomes sexually excited, then you may safely consider him to be a vampire. If he fails to become sexually excited, then he is faking it to throw you off his trail. Break the news to his parents about his vampirism with a tersely worded email from your Hotmail account.

"Let's go take a piss together, want to come?" Many nightclubs and restaurants only own two types of bathrooms: one for men and one for women. Note that these establishments lack a "vampire" bathroom. As a result, vampires refuse to use public restrooms, and if forced, will flee outside to a nearby dark alleyway where they will immediately turn into a bat and flutter off into the night. If you notice somebody turning into a bat and flying, then they can (usually) be considered a vampire. If they are flying but lack the "bat" shape, then they could either be Superman or on a plane of some type. If your friend agrees to pee with you, then that means he's a deadly homosexual bug chaser, and you should run outside to a nearby dark alleyway and try to turn into a bat so you may escape.

We hope that this general outline and guide has helped you distinguish fact from fiction in this exciting and deadly world of vampires and not-really-vampires. While the media may be fixated on this stupid "war" thing, they fail to mention the undead terror plaguing us here each and every day. Although Akasha, the evil Vampire Queen, met her untimely demise once her passenger plane flew into the Pentagon, the threat still hangs with us every hour of every day. Many sociologists agree it is truly a sad day when most of our information comes from Anne Rice and her material outnumbers all the so-called "news" stories from Fox News and CNN combined, but in a day and age where the Internet competes with network television shows such as "Who Wants to Fuck Me?" for our attention, it's no surprise that the vampire plague goes unnoticed. Let us all band together and make sure vampires across the globe get our unified message: you guys just earned yourselves a front-row seat on the Enemy of Good Catholic White People bus!

Gone Fishin'!

Zack "Grandpa Bedwetter" Parsons here with an absolutely fantastic new guide on the fine art of fishing. Spring is here again and I have brought you a heaping helping of all the tips you need to succeed at this dangerous hobby!


Get your reels ready and set your radar to "learning" because it's time to bring in the big one! Head on over and check it out.

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)

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