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worried and suspicious

(15 Posts)
nananina Sun 13-Dec-15 14:18:33

OK I'll try to keep it brief. I am aged 71 and DP (of over 40 years) is 73. He has had affairs in the past but not for very many years and in addition has made overtures to friends that have been rejected, again many years ago.

He is a member of a rambling club and in August went on a walking holiday with 2 women from the club. I wasn't happy as it brought back the past somehow. One of the women J has been ill with anxiety over the past few months and she asked DP if he would visit her (it's only a short distance) to help her sort her finances out. However it transpired that she'd already sorted them out but didn't let him know. I got upset because it was all starting to remind me of the past and we had a row, and I felt guilty so asked if he ought to go and see her and he jumped at the chance, saying "I'll go tomorrow" but she was busy, so suggested he went around the following week which he did. Then she asked if he could help her move furniture and go on short walks with her as she was feeling better. She's been divorced for many years and so she must have people to help her move furniture - she definitely has a son-in-law. DP said he wasn't sure about the walk as I had an appointment. So he moved the furniture and that was that.

In his birthday card she wrote:
Happy Birthday X
With warm wishes, love and thanks for all your care and support. It means a lot to me............J x

I got upset as it seemed a very intimate message to me. The care and support was apparently DP helping to plan a walk with her (they take it in turns to do this in the club) or that was his explanation. On Wed she is driving him to the walk and a Christmas lunch after. She offered to do this because he was scheduled to have an op on his hand but it has been postponed, but she's still driving him to this event. They e mail each other on a regular basis and last night in a heated row I demanded to see the emails. He said they were all deleted and ending up showing me one from August (about 4 lines about tents and rucksacks) He says he won't show me any more as I "will read something into them" which really makes me think there IS something he doesn't want me to see. Says he is not going to be monitored.

I'm really unhappy because it has brought the past back and thrown it into sharp focus. He says they are just friends (but I've heard that before) and I have nothing to worry about. I suffer from intermittent depression which can be severe at times.

So wise grandmothers what do you think?

Elegran Sun 13-Dec-15 14:21:56

Is there a reason for you not joining him at the rambling club?

nananina Sun 13-Dec-15 14:26:04

Yes - they walk 12 miles. I'd be hard pressed to walk a mile!

Elegran Sun 13-Dec-15 14:48:03

Could you meet him for a coffee at the end of the walk? Drive him home? If you share his interest with him - even in part - it could water down the amount of time he spends in this woman's company, and seeing them together and how they interact could put your worries to rest. Maybe he spends as much of the ramble with the other club members. It could, of course, make it clear that there IS more to it.

At least you would know where you are and not be winding yourself up over nothing. Staying at home "nursing your wrath to keep it warm" is just going to magnify your thoughts, which may be a result of your depression. If you want to keep him, act to keep him. Not acting but sitting sulking and suspicious will certainly lose him to someone who acts as though she appreciates him.

nananina Sun 13-Dec-15 15:19:26

I'm sorry but I don't find your posts helpful. No I can't meet him for a coffee at the end of the walk as it can be 30 miles away and I am not always safe to drive. "Nursing my wrath to keep it warm" is not the result of my depression, it's the result of all the things that happened in the past that I have kept to a minimum. I find you final sentence quite offensive. You clearly have been fortunate enough never to suffer from depression.

thatbags Sun 13-Dec-15 15:21:38

nananina, I understand how elegran's post appears to you but I am certain she was trying to be helpful. If what she suggests can't be done/isn't helpful, please don't take it amiss.

I have no advice to offer but someone else may be along with some ideas shortly.


Riverwalk Sun 13-Dec-15 15:29:14

You're quick to pounce nananina!

Elegran is the only person to bother to reply to you - she sounded quite reasonable to me.

Jane10 Sun 13-Dec-15 15:29:54

Nana Elegran is usually a very sensible source of advice. I didn't read her comments as offensive. From reading your posts it does sound as though you are taking quite a passive stance. Please believe that I'm truly not trying to upset you. Maybe there is something going on. Do you want to nip it in the bud if possible? If so what course of action could you take? If you're around and involved as much as possible that would make it much more difficult for him to carry on with her. Eg if you're not up to walking the same distance as him could you arrange activities for you both at times that conflict with plans where this other woman might be? Just a well intentioned suggestions. Others might have some too?

nananina Sun 13-Dec-15 15:33:40

Can I request that there are no more posts on this thread. Thank you. I'm in a very fragile state emotionally and shouldn't have started the thread. I don't want to upset anyone who has responded.

phoenix Sun 13-Dec-15 15:34:14

nananina, I'm guessing that you are a new member, apologies if I'm wrong.

I understand your concerns re this situation, and as someone who also has depression, I am aware of how it can affect our lives, but I think your response to Elegran post was rather unkind and somewhat rude.

I appreciate that it can be easy to misread the "tone" of a post, and I'm sorry if I have misjudged yours.

Anniebach Sun 13-Dec-15 15:53:06

So sorry you have depression, hope you are having support to recover.

This is proving very difficult to word carefully , as your partner has strayed in the past you are bound to be concerned

Are you more depressed because of his friendship with the woman or is he enjoying the company of the woman and the rambling club because he needs a break from your depression , carers can need a break no matter the illness , depression, disability , one of my sisters has Parkinson's , her husband loves her very much but he does need to do his own thing for a break.

I can understand why you think there is something going on, he does have history, you say a long time ago, how long?

Elegran would never hurt anyone, no one here would hurt anyone who asked for help. Do reply

Elegran Sun 13-Dec-15 16:21:21

Believe me, nananina I wasn't meaning to be hurtful. I was trying to suggest how to minimise his contact with this woman you are suspicious of.

Past history is making you think that it is repeating itself, but it is may not be so. Your depression will be making you feel low, I hope you are getting treatment for it. If not, is it time to visit your GP and tell him just what you told us?

If you are unable to join him at all then, as anniebach says, can you arrange something else that the two of you can be doing? Something which you will enjoy and which will give him a chance to get some physical exercise - which probably improves how he copes with your depression so he does need it. You need something else to fill your mind too, so a joint outing would be good for you both.

ninathenana Sun 13-Dec-15 16:48:36

nananina has been around a while as I remember the similarity of our names.

nananina Sun 13-Dec-15 17:53:58

Thank you for the responses but please can people not post again. I am in an extremely emotionally fragile state and shouldn't have started the thread. I am capable of taking anything the wrong way in my current state. There is of course lots more to this than in my OP.

Elegran I'm sure you didn't meant to upset me but I found your sentence not acting but sitting sulking and suspicious will certainly lose him to someone who acts as they appreciate him very upsetting. My self esteem is already very low. There is no way he is going to leave me - we've been together over 40 years. And feeling distressed isn't sulking - and yes suspicion is an unpleasant emotion but one that can be pervasive.

I am in secondary care as far as my MH is concerned - have a CPN and see a psychiatrist every month and seem to be working my way through the pharmaceutical range of meds for depression, none of which work very well. I am also physically disabled.

Anniebach - I absolutely agree that DP needs a break from me and he walks 12 miles with the Ramblers every Sunday and Wednesday and goes out for a drink with a friend once a week.

ninathenana I have been on MN for several years but am new to Gransnet and think I will probably stay away now.

I really want people to stop posting and if that happens I will ask MN to delete the thread.

Marmark1 Mon 14-Dec-15 08:57:04