Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 13 - Kimmy Finds Her Mom! - full transcript


Oh, your mail is so boring.

Cyndee met a rabbit.

Donna Maria's mole sauce is in goop.

Leah Remini joined Gretchen's church.

Who cares?

Wait, you're leaving already?

- Yeah.
- Tomorrow's Thanksgiving.

Lillian, the Carnivore Cruise Lines
flagship ship Ocean Skank

leaves in two days,
and this girl's got a mom to find.

We'll be back before you know it.


W-what if Titus gets discovered

and moves to LA and gets big fake breasts?

I don't want to see him like that.

And you're gonna find your real mom,

and then you won't need
your fake mom anymore.

I'll be all alone,
just like after Roland left.

Was shot in the face by you.

Look, if you get lonely,

just watch some of my old audition tapes.

Maybe you can appreciate them in a way

that Dick Wolf's snooty doorman could not.

Go if you're gonna go.
I'm used to being ignored.

remember when you chained yourself

to that bulldozer for a week
and no one noticed or cared?

I'll bring you back
a real Florida souvenir,

like a python or a gun!

Don't worry about me.

I'll just be here

smelling your clothes,

wondering if you're ever coming back,

my voice getting quieter and quieter

until I can't be heard at all.

And what difference will that make?

Quit being a bummer, Lillian!

What if I get seasick?

Why do boats float and Tituses sink?

What if a sea witch says I can meet
Prince Eric if I give her my voice?

I do it, right?

Are you even listening
to what I'm saying to you?

Sorry. I've got a lot on my mind.

I rented a car for the first time.

I declined gator insurance,

which has proven to be a mistake.

- Not again!
- That's 11.

And tomorrow I'm gonna ambush my mom
at the Rip Ride Rockit,

and then all that drama you always told me
to save for my mama?

Well, I did.

Sweetheart, maybe I should go with you

so that I can film it.

No. You have to get to Miami.

And I've got to do this alone.

When I visualize this meeting,
like Andrea told me to...

- Drivinghighway!
- Oh!

Lori-Ann Schmidt is not a lady who says,
"I'm sorry."

Even when you're supposed to,
like in a board game scenario.

But I'm gonna tell her
everything I've been thinking about

for the last 15 years.

And she will apologize.

Girl, let me see you do one of these.



Take it back. Undo it.

No, sirree...


Bar mitzvah.

I'd like to sell these.

Tomorrow I need an apartment
full of expensive furniture

for a catered Thanksgiving.

My boyfriend's family is coming
from Washington.

I mean, not boyfriend, I guess.

I mean, fingers crossed,

but he doesn't want to russ it...

"Russ"? What am I talking about?

- His name is Russ.
- I get it.

My wife's name is Shira,

which sounds like She-Ra,
He-Man's sister.

So that's fun.

These are good quality.

You were hot piece rich man?

I was. Thank you.

But now I'm falling in love
for the first time.

I finally understand what
all those love songs are talking about,

like Sheena Easton's "Sugar Walls."

No, sorry.

Not this one.

I just don't know if Russ feels
the same way about me.

If I could win over his family...

Family is key,

but take everything I say
with grain of salt

because I was, how you say,

shot in brain by robber.

Wow, Beverly Hills.

I feel like a prostitute
getting a necklace.

Oh! Hey, little guy.

Get in there, Jayden. Say hi to...

- Smile with...
- Irish Dora.

Whoville Lady or whatever.

Oh, I'm not a character here.

Give her a kiss, Jayden.

Thanks, but I'm Kimmy.

You hear that? It's Kimmy.

Now take a picture with it
and let's get back to the Camry

'cause I'm done.

Come on.

I'm just a person.

Okay, look for the telltale signs
of coasterheads:

no kids, strap-on sunglasses,

airbrushed clothes,

water pistols full of margaritas.

Got to stay hydrated.

- Go ahead.
- Do it.


Lori-Ann Schmidt!

I've got some stuff to say to you.


My baby! Ha-ha.


Oh, God, you're alive!

I love you so much.

Kimmy, I'm so sorry, baby.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, my God, you're alive!

This is my baby!

My baby is alive!

Lori-Ann! Lori-Ann!
Lori-Ann! Lori-Ann!

Lori-Ann! Lori-Ann!

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ But females are strong as hell ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

That's gonna be, uh...

you know, a fascinating transition.

♪ Damn it ♪

You look real pretty.

Thanks, Mom.

You too.

But I, uh, was kind of hoping
I could talk to you alone.

Oh, Joe and them are like family to me.

And it's Thanksgiving.

Yeah, but I actually am family.

That scar on his neck
goes all the way around.

Got decapitated in '96

when I stood up on the Grim Reaper.

The whole middle part of his neck
is pig neck.

Look, Mom.

I have some stuff I need to say to you...

Oh, baby, I tried everything to find you:

made T-shirts,

walked through the woods in a arm chain.

I know...

Heck, I spent so much time
at that police station,

I ended up marrying the guy
who was in charge of your investigation.

Figured if anyone could find you,
he could.

He was smart and cool,
like Jimmy Smits.

- I've met Randy.
- Never mind, then.

- Mom, I...
- But I never gave up hope.

You know what? Look.

I still have the Christmas present
I was gonna give you

that year you got...

Anyway, I carry it with me everywhere.

"Mom's Super Fun Christmas Coupon Book."


"Foot Rub,"

"Pancakes For Dinner,"

"Try One Cigarette."

Oh, it was '98, before people knew
cigarettes were bad.

Now I only smoke cinnamon Parliaments.

This one says you'll take me to see
Patch Adams.

Yeah, and I will now.

I always knew I'd find you.

But you left Durnsville.

I know, right? It was so frustrating.

I couldn't stay.

Everywhere I went,
people were looking at me

like I was a bummer, you know,

with their eyes all watery,

"I'm so sorry for your tragedy,"

when I just was trying
to get one minute of peace

on a mechanical bull.

Six or seven years of that, and I just...

I had to haul ass, honey.

I just couldn't stand
people looking at me like that.

Ugh. I hate that look.

I don't want pity.

It's like, I'm more than this one
terrible thing that happened to me.


I'm all the terrible things
that have happened to me.

And I'm not a bummer. I'm fun.

- You are fun.
- I know.

I'm like a box of puppies

that got found by chimps on Christmas.

All fun. Period.

I mean,
I'm about to break the female record

for most rides on a German-designed
steel X-coaster.

Back in Indiana, they just wanted me
to be sad all the time.

I never thought about how hard
it must have been for you too.

Lori-Ann, heads up,

we got the Rockit again in seven minutes.

I'll do it later.

I'm gonna get Kimmy and I
new express passes

so me and her can ride that thing

But, Lori-Ann,
you'll have to wait for hours.

Yeah, you don't have to do that.

Lori-Ann, you are crazy.

No. What? No.

Want to kill some time with me?

Get our fun on?

Can our fun include "Cartwheel Race"?

It can't not.

Hurry up! Hurry!

- You coming or not?
- I don't know.

Is this cruise the right thing to do?

- Sir, this is a bus.
- It's four months.

I've never been on a boat before.

And what if my choreography
requires standing?

I know I don't often pray,
but if you're listening,

Black Jesus from the Madonna
"Like a Prayer" video, give me a sign.


Okay, Black Jesus,
that's a little on the nose,

but I trust you.

Now to the video the entire city
has been buzzing about.

It is cell phone footage
of an uptown Manhattanite

going on the ride of her life.

Evidently this woman fell asleep

while protesting a new development
in East Dogmouth,

and she continued to snooze
as construction resumed.

'Cause I'd had a lot of turkey.

Despite the attention
over the protest,

developers say they are still on schedule

and the video may have actually
raised awareness

about the neighborhood
among Internet-havers.

What? No.

Someone did notice me,

and it made everything worse.

Thank you!

No one in New York
ever wants to high-five.

That's dumb.

What do they do
when Truckasaurus eats a car?

Who is this guy?

Do kids like Cheese Businessman?

My name is Inga.

I came all da vay from Sweden
to dis vacation.

And I came from Jamaica, now.

My name is a-Terence a-Trent a-D'arby.

So, you ready to face your fears
and eat this worm?

You want me to eat a worm? Oh, no.

I've never had to eat
anything gross before.

- Psych!
- Eat the worm, honey.

The prize is sweatbands!

My wife, Kirsten, loves this design stuff.

For her birthday, I bought her
a master's of interior design from DePaul.

- She knows all the colors now.
- Mm.

Can you believe she's had four kids?

Honey, show Jacqueline the back.

There you go.

Want to bounce a quarter off that?

A quarter? What's a quarter?

Right answer.

I like you.

Hey, sorry I'm late.

I-I had a pumpkin pie,
but I sat on it on the subway,

and the only store I could find open
was a Talbots, so...

Hey, Duke... Oh!

What are you doing, Russ?

Why are you staring at the walls?

Say hi to Jacqueline.

Ha-ha, that's funny. Hi, Jacqueline.

Duke, has Jacqueline met
Russ' last girlfriend?

Pleased to meet you.

I'm Handgela.

How do you do?

This one's a keeper, Russ.

Go easy on him, boys. He can't help it.

His name is Russ.

You named me that.

Oh, Russ had to be named by his daddy.

Jacqueline, you are a pretty girl.

Him and you have a kid,

your genes might water all that down.

Oh, Mr. Snyder...

Oh, please, call me Orson.

Well, Orson,

I would love to water that down,

if he'll have me.

He should be so lucky.

I once caught him kissing a bird.

Yeah. He said it was CPR.

Then why the tongue?


Welcome to Titusville,

home of the Kennedy Space Center.

In 1962, John F. Kennedy was inspired
to go to the moon

while feeling up a particularly buxom
coat-check girl.

Uh-huh, anyway, I was sent here by fate.

See, my name is Titus.

Oh, how cute.

Obviously, I had to come and see my town.

What is there to do here?

Titus-friendly attractions, I assume?

Interactive couch museum,

a "shirts required" swimming pool?

- Food?
- Sure, we have restaurants.

But Titusville is best known as being home
of the U.S. space program.

Okay, I like space.

Ever since I was a child,
I was always fascinated

by Major Tony Nelson's
failed space flight:

his capsule crash-landing
on a desert island,

knocking over a genie bottle,
releasing Barbara Eden.

Thank you, NASA.

She was his slave.

Oh, well.

Uh, would you like to enter our raffle?

Win dinner with a real astronaut?

Of course astronauts live in Titusville.

I bet this town is full of heroes.

Well, our founder, Colonel Henry Titus,

would have been a Civil War hero
if the right side had won.

I'll allow it.

Good luck.

Hey, uh...

Uh, oh!

My neighborhood is ruined.

And it's my fault.

I did it.

Just like O.J. Simpson...

against the Dolphins in '69.

Twelve yards on ten carries?

Well, unforgivable.

Titus, I did it. I found her.

I'm so happy for you, Baked Kimberlay's.

Did you tell her everything
you wanted to say?

Did you throw white wine on her?

I didn't have to.

She apologized right away.

- She even cried.
- Wait.

What do you mean "right away"?

She didn't let you say anything?

Um, I said, "Lori-Ann Schmidt!"


And when you went to confront her,

did she keep a random friend there
as a buffer?

You mean Joe?
I don't even think he was listening.

His head was, like,
all the way the other way.

Oh, Lori-Ann's good.


- What does that even mean?
- Ugh.

trademark my ex-friend Timothy...

It's when you take control of a situation

by saying negative things
before anyone else can,

like when Madonna said "Dangerous Game"
was terrible

before the critics could

or how I'm telling you right now

I didn't go to Miami.

I'm in a town called Titusville,
and I love it here.

Wait, what?

You don't "wait, what" me.
I "wait, what" you.

If you haven't told your mother
how you feel

but you think you two are all good,
you are lying to yourself.

Oh, I'm lying to myself?

You're supposed to be in Miami.

Jeez, Titus, I thought we were past this,

but you're just hiding
from the real world again.

Or maybe I found where I belong.

There's a space museum here.

Since when do you care about space?

Weightlessness, non-melting ice cream,

buff scientists.

I think the burden's on you to prove

that I haven't cared about space
this entire time.

I know you're afraid Mikey won't be there
when you get back.

You're afraid of failure.

Also success, birds, escalators...

We Titusvillians are afraid of nothing,

not the moon, not the Union Army,

not this sinkhole that keeps...



She apologized.



Lori-Ann Schmidt is playing you
'cause she doesn't want to deal.

You just watch.

If she even gets a whiff
of anything serious,

she'll just change the subject

faster than a theoretical
speed-of-light spacecraft

on which I would age more slowly.

See? I love space!

Oh, the game's almost on!

Hey, Jacqueline,
you're not one of those girls

who don't like football, are you?

Are you kidding? I hate those women.

I love football.

We Snyders love our football.

We all had to play it in high school.

- Don't! I'm not open yet!
- Ha-ha!

We're minutes away from kickoff
here in Dallas

as the Cowboys prepare to take on
the, uh...

team that is from Washington.

And what a game we have for you today.

So you guys are Redskins fans?

Well, I don't want to brag, but, uh,

we kind of own the team.

How is that not the first thing
you say to women?

Huh? What do you lead with,
your foot nipple?

- No.
- Hmm.

Honey, we've owned the Redskins
since 1938.

You see, while the team was driving
to Philadelphia

for a game,
they got lost on my grandfather's land,

and in exchange for the trademark,
he let them live.

But don't you think the name is a little,

uh, old-fashioned?

Exactly. It's been around forever.

And I happen to respect tradition.

It's why I get operated on by my barber.

And the name is honoring
those Native guys.

It's saying they're tough.

Plus, how do you know that "Redskins"
isn't about potatoes?


It's just some people find it offensive...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Jacqueline, look,

some of my best statues are of Indians.

And the Redskins' very first coach
was Lone Star Dietz,

a man who pretended to be Indian

so that he could get out of World War I.

That's right.

♪ Heil to the Redskins ♪

♪ Scalp the other team ♪

♪ Celebrate with fire water ♪

♪ Help Germany win the war ♪

Man, a ball pit is definitely
my favorite kind of pit.

Sweetie, get your shoes on.

I just realized this watch we found
in Fievel's Playland

was set to mountain.

Rip Ride Rockit's in ten minutes.

See you, guys! You're the best.

You're too big.

Kimmy, we got to go.

Mom, I'm hurrying.

If we miss this, I don't get
another chance to break my record.

I just got to get my shoes on.

Oh, my gah.

Why can't you do that any faster?

Because you never taught me
how to tie my shoes.

Then the bunny's ear
goes around the other ear and into...

Why would he put his ear inside himself?

We've been working on this for a year!

Who raised you?

- Huh?
- Oh!

Bunny wraps one ear around the other ear,

pokes it into his skull,

'cause he has his reasons.

Why can't you just wear them Velcro shoes
like I used to get you?

Because Velcro freaks me out now.

I don't know why.

Maybe it's something the Reverend would...

Ah, what? Come on, let's not...

You know what? I'm going.

We've got time!

Titus was right.



Ugh. Mom!

I tried everything I could think of

to keep this neighborhood weird
and dangerous.

Now the only thing left to do

is to sell to some yuppie creeps,

take the money,

and leave a good-looking corpse
in Waikiki.

Then I travel the world.

What white creep in a suit
is this gonna be?

Ms. Kaushtupper?
I saw you on New York One.

- It was inspiring.
- "Inspiring"?

What are you, an ironic hipster?

My name is Winfred O'Prah.
I work for ISUS.


The Interborough Society
for Urban Settlement.

We're devoted to curtailing
new development

in New York's historic neighborhoods.

Also, we had the name first.

Ms. Kaushtupper, have you ever thought

about running for office?

I hadn't thought of that.

"Mayor Kaushtupper Still At Large,

colon, Authorities Baffled."

Let's talk, you white prick.

I can't believe I won that raffle.

You know how I'm like an astronaut?

I'm out of this world,

and I once had to poop in a vacuum.

I love Titusville.

Ooh, you know what we should do?

We should use "Titus"
the way Smurfs use "smurf."

May I have a glass
of Titus with some Titus?

But no Titus on it.
I'm deathly allergi-Titus.

"That's one small soup for man,

one giant sandwich for mankind."

Hi, Titus, I'm your astronaut,
Captain Mooney.

No pun intended.

None gotten.

- You're an astronaut?
- Mm-hmm.

Prove it.

Tell me a story about space.

Oh, I've been to space many times.

From a distance,
the Earth looks blue and green.

And the snowcapped mountains? White.

From a distance,
the ocean meets the stream,

and the eagle takes to flight.

Space Judas!

Those are the lyrics to Bette Midler's
"From A Distance."

- You're no astronaut.
- No, I am. Really.

It's just...

they shut down the manned space program
before I got to do anything.

And I found out about it
in the worst way possible:

from a very smug chimp.

Ground Control to Major Confusion.

I know that we stopped going to the moon

because it kept changing shapes,
making landing impossible, but...

Forget the moon.

No one's gone to space at all since 2011.

So space is like American Apparel?

Titusville used to be a place
where we reached for the stars.

Now we reach for the...

free bread.

I guess NASA decided it was too risky
to keep trying.

They got scared.

Now Titusville is just a place
where dreams go to die.

Oh, God.

If I stay here,
am I no better than a U.S. astronaut?

I know. I'm pathetic.

You spend your whole life training
to do something,

and then it's not worth the risk?

What a waste.

Well, it's not too late for me.

I can still get on my rocket ship
to the stars.

Or in my case, a bus to a van to a boat.

Failure is not an option.

I'm not gonna end up like NASA:

scared, afraid,

standing for "Never Accomplishing
Space Anymore."

I'm gonna go to Miami.

And I'm gonna go to that place I saw
on Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives.

And then I'm getting on that boat.

Hey, they're about to start
serving dinner.

I can't see you anymore.

Is this 'cause of that obvious lie
about the pumpkin pie?

I soiled myself on the subway

and I sat on the pie to cover it up, okay?

No. I'm sorry, Russ.

I really liked you,

but the Redskins?

How is that still a thing?

These are my parents.

My family is Lakota Sioux.

On the rez, they call me...

No one invited you, Yellow Head.

I spent every penny I had
trying to help them,

but nobody cared.

And the fact that you don't care either,

it's just too much.

The truth is, I'm not rich
like I said I was.

I don't own this apartment.

And I can't tie a cherry stem into a knot
with my tongue.

I just always keep one in my cheek
in case it comes up.

But I would rather live on the street

than be with a man who sings that song.

I'm sorry, Russ. It's over.

That is the hottest thing
I have ever heard.

You care.

Nobody cares...

about anything.

No, Russ. Your family owns the Redskins.

You think I like these people?

They're horrible.

They told me I was adopted.

When I was 18,

I found out they were my real parents
all along.

But why? Why?

And that name?

For years, I've been trying
to get them to change it

to something cool like the Prancers

or the Muscle Men or...


But every time I bring it up,
they force me to hit myself

with my own girlfriend... hand.


But maybe...


We can take down the Washington Redskins.




Lori-Ann Schmidt,
I got some stuff to say to you!

Why didn't you find me?

You were supposed to look for me
until you found me.

Not just for a while. Until.

I bet you were glad I was gone,

'cause you never wanted me
in the first place.

Ahh! How is this fun?


You were a bad mom.
You were never there for me.

I packed you lunch every day,

and you never ate the fruit!

- Ahh!
- Whoo-hoo!

You were selfish, and you just wanted
to party like it was 1999,

and it was only 1998!

I am so mad at you,

and I'm entitled to that emotion.

We're going again.
I got some stuff to say.

First of all, of course I didn't want you.

I was 17 years old.
But I kept you, didn't I?

I loved you from the moment you were born,
didn't I?

So get off my jock!

One time, you had croup,

and I sat in the shower all night with you

even though the demolition derby
was in town,

and I gave my ticket to a girl
who got to be on the news

for getting hit by a tire.

That could have been me!

- I don't actually like this!
- Whoo-hoo!

- Whoo!
- Ahh!

- Oh!
- Whoo! Whoo!

You think this is my fault somehow?

You sound like them reporters
and police station ladies

treating me like you got kidnapped
'cause I wore a tube skirt.

- Ahh!
- Whoo-hoo!

Well, what the fudge does that have to do

with the price of meat in Muncie?

A crazy man snatched you
and locked you up.


Men keep doing that, every dang day,
every dang way.

When are we gonna talk about that, world?

I don't hurt kids!
And women don't rape things!

Hey, not all men.

I know, Shane.
You've always been a real gentleman.

According to recent CDC numbers,

40% of all sexual assaults
are committed by women.

That seems high.
Keep the bars down 'cause...

We're going again!

You are so full of baloney!

I bet you knew I'd been rescued.

Of course I did!

I just didn't want to have
this conversation.

I wish you were Geena Davis!

Me too, dude!

- Ahh!
- Whoo-hoo!


- Ahh!
- Whoo! Whoo!


That coast was epic.

Man, we both got some stuff
off our chests.

I broke my record. Ah.


Look, we're cool, right?

Maybe I wasn't the best mom,

like those penguins who hold their eggs
in their mouths or whatever, but...

I did the best I could, sweetie.

I really did.

I know that should make me feel better.


Ugh! Dang shoe.

Come on, Mom.
I'm too big for Velcro shoes.

Can't teach me how to tie laces,

but you can teach me how to open a beer
with a lighter.

Excuse me, miss.

Can you tell me how to get
to the nursing college?

You did your best?

You couldn't even be bothered
to teach me to tie my shoes,

and my mittens got caught,

and the Howson twins kept walking,

and I was alone!

I got kidnapped because of you!

Is that your best? Unh-unh-unh!


Kimmy, what are you doing?

I thought I knew why I came down here.

Rays and rails, baby.

But there's nothing I can say

that will un-kidnap me

or fix my childhood

or give you the life you wanted
before you had me.

I could have been Whitesnake's Yoko Ono.

And I just have to accept that.

I just have to accept that.

So like I said, we're cool, right?

Yeah. We're cool.

All right.


Now we're back in touch, who knows?

Maybe I come up and stay with you


Hey, we just did Thanksgiving.

Put me down for Christmas.
Wouldn't that be fun?

You know, they got some great
old wooden coasters up north.

We could do the Cyclone.

I've done it.

Why do you like roller coasters
so much anyway?

Sometimes you just want to scream
your head off.

A coaster's the only place
no one looks at you weird.

You all right?

Thanks, Mom.

Well, I know what I'm thankful for:

loving someone other than myself...

and revenge.

Happy Thanksgiving, detectives.
I love you.

Titus Andromedon, 6'4", no agent.

And of course, I'm thankful Bobby is back.

Who's Bobby?

I'm his sister, Robertina Durst.

And I'm mute.

- Hello?
- Kimmy, it's Dick.

What the fudge do you want?

I have the most wonderful news.

I met someone, and I'm getting married.

So you and me are gonna have
to get a divorce.



- Good night, everybody!
- Good night!