Boris Johnson doing last-minute Christmas rom-com dash through airport to get f**k out of Britain

THE prime minister has been seen sprinting through a Christmas-decorated Heathrow after realising what he most desires in his heart of hearts is to get the f**k out of here. 

Johnson, often compared to Hugh Grant in Love Actually, was cheered on by everyone in the airport who fully supported his last-minute dash to spend the rest of his life somewhere else.

He said: “Just like Hugh in the movie I think I’m hilarious, I seduce staff, and I’m sexually fixated on Margaret Thatcher. But there’s an emptiness in my heart.

“Then, on New Year’s Eve, I was flicking through abusive cards from Britons and read one telling me I should piss off forever and never see Britain again.

“And, then and there, I knew. I couldn’t hide the truth from myself any longer. From the first moment I became prime minister I’d wanted nothing more than to run away from the terrible f**king mess I’d made.

“I summoned my car, dashed to Heathrow, zig-zagged and slipped between the legs of customs officers and made it onto a plane to New York.

“Goodbye, we shall not meet again. I have dumped you like Alan Rickman should have dumped Emma Thompson for that younger bird.”

Spooning in the bath with Dominic Cummings, and other bad dreams of 2020

OUR brains had a lot to process this year so if your nightmares have involved some pretty weird shit, you’re not alone. Wake up with a jolt from these: 

Shopping without a face mask

You’re in a busy Waitrose, everyone’s staring at you and the security guard is following you around. But unlike in real life it’s not because you look like a shoplifter, it’s because you’re a pariah not wearing a face mask. Luckily you wake up before being torn limb-from-limb by yummy mummies.

Attack of the vaccine mutants

Most of the population have been vaccinated against Covid, but they’ve all turned into hideous mutants. The worst thing isn’t that these terrifying creatures are on a deadly rampage, hunting down people like you who haven’t had the jab yet, it’s that the anti-vaxxers were right all along.

Being in the bath with Dominic Cummings

A blue rubber duck with a Tory logo is floating past your nose and Dominic Cummings is spooning you. This disturbed dream reaches its climax when, just as you’re waking up with sleep paralysis, he goes for a cheeky reach-around and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Your favourite pub closes down

In happier times you were in the Lamb & Crown almost every night, but two lockdowns and three tiers are too much to handle and it closes. You know it’ll be flats within a year, inhabited by anodyne people who insist on playing Coldplay out of the window at medium volume. It’s worth checking the internet to be sure this actually just a dream.

You accidentally voted Leave

You’ve been so worried about the effects of a no-deal Brexit that you dream your hand spasmed as you marked the referendum ballot paper and you accidentally voted Leave. You’ll wake up and spend the rest of your life wondering if you really did mark the wrong box.