We'll never reach sexual equality if we don't stop obsessing over numbers
(Picture: Ella Byworth for MEtro.co.uk)

One of those conversations that come up again and again is how often we have sex. 

Imagine the scene: you’re chatting to your friends, and one member of the group mentions that they’re having sex with their partner five or six times a week. ‘How about you?’ they ask.

Now you’ve got three options:

  1. You could refuse to answer. It’s entirely within your rights to do but removing yourself from the conversation might not feel natural if they’re friends with whom you usually share intimate details
  2. You could tell the truth which, statistically, is likely to be fewer than five or six times a week (the UK average is thought to be  once every 2.7 days if you’re sexually active, though different studies will claim different numbers.)
  3. You could lie. Claim that you’re doing it as much as everyone else, or even more

I think we all know the most tempting option.

I’ve lied about how often I have sex. I’ve ’rounded up’ from three times a week to four. I’ve ignored the fact that there have been weeks when I didn’t feel like sex at all. I’ve said that I have sex every day, which is true when I’m ovulating and and enjoying chemically-induced arousal but very much not true when I’m on my period and feel about as sexy as an oozy wheel of Brie.

Why? Sexaggeration.

Unfortunately, sexaggeration has an inflation effect.

Let’s say I round up my average of four or five times a week to six. That makes everyone else in the assembled company think that they’re having less sex than I am. So next time they’re asked the question, they up their real number a little bit.

We end up with a situation where everyone is lying about how much sex they’re having and we all think we’re failing sexually.

As soon as I opened up about not having had sex for the latter half of my honeymoon due to 40 degree heat and an unairconditioned apartment, the confessions came streaming out:

What men think about to stop themselves coming
(Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

‘I once went to the Maldives with a boyfriend and we didn’t have sex once,’ one woman in her mid 20s told me.

Having noticed how my honesty prompted others to do the same, I decided to ask people if they’d ever lied about their sex lives, admitting that I’ve often been a little creative with my accounting while totting up how much sex I have.

‘Um, yes’ said one woman in her early 30s. ‘We used to do it four times a week when we were first going out so I just kept saying that we did it that often when obviously we don’t anymore. It’s been six years.’

‘We have sex a lot at the weekend,’ another woman, also early 30s told me. ‘But never in the week. And I don’t usually admit to that because it sounds so lame.’

Why are we so bothered about what other people think of our sex lives?

I see sex as a health check for my marriage, which is completely illogical because healthy marriages can be low on sex and unhappy marriages can be filled with raw animal passion.

Despite knowing that, I have internalised the idea that how much sex you have is a direct reflection of how happy you are, which makes the idea of admitting to having a sexless week feel terrifying.

I chatted to sexpert and author Annabelle Knight about sexaggeration.

‘Sexaggerating to friends is a completely pointless act that does nothing but give you a false sense of security in your relationship,’ she tells Metro.co.uk.

‘If you’re lying about the amount of sex you have then it’s quite likely that you’d like more sex after all those that are content rarely feel the need to lie.

‘If this is the case then you should open up to your partner and talk about ways in which you can both be satisfied within the relationship.’

So here’s the plan. Next time the topic comes up, try being honest.

If it’s only once, and that once was amazing, say that. If you’ve been on your period or manic at work or just not feeling it, tell the truth.

You might be surprised to find that your friends are in the exact same boat.

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