A 7 Point Field Test to See if You’re Too Gay for Gates


CNN reported today that, rather than repeal the woefully out-of-touch policy, Defense Secretary Robert Gates is considering the “selective” enforcement of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. We can’t really imagine how it’d be “more humane” to lead someone to believe their sexuality is OK only to single them out afterward, but sure, we’ll give it a go. After the jump, we help folks in the field apply this dubious idea with a Seven Point Field Test to See if You’re Too Gay for Gates.

1. Does pomade make soldier’s crew cut look great or just gross? If great, TGFG.

2. Has subject attended more than two of the following USO shows: Rufus Wainwright, Clay Aitken, Sting, Coldplay? If so, TGFG.

3. When ass-slapping after mission, are fingers curled at two or more joints? If so, TGFG.

4. Has solider starred in more than one Active Duty video? (Co-starring is OK as long as the he hasn’t won any GAYVN awards). If so TGFG.

5. In foxhole porno stash, are every three men offset by at least one woman? If not TGFG.

6. When opening a copy of Born to Run, does soldier salute the flag? If so, TGFG.

7. Top or Bottom? If bottom, TGFG.

All jokes aside, are these people idiots? “Distractions” in the field are something soldiers are supposed to be trained to deal with, and shouldn’t everyone be treated equally until such time as there’s a genuine question about their qualifications? And why is the pervasiveness of aggressively horny heteros A-OK?

As far as the idea that homosexuals outed by others should be allowed to stay (a policy shift under consideration), isn’t that inconsistant? Either these men are a distraction and a danger or they aren’t. You can’t have it both ways. Nice try guy, but at least with the old, oppressive policy, gay soldiers could see where they stood…