British summer Rhoades

37 British things I’ll never understand as a South African

They say you can’t take South Africa out of a South African. Well, here’s what happens when South Africans try to navigate the British way of life.

British summer Rhoades

It’s a big learning curve being a South African living among the Brits. While most things are easy to adapt to, others take a little getting used to.

Some things, however, I don’t think I’ll ever quite get my head around.

Here are 37 British things I’ll never really understand as a South African.

1. Nobody asks how you’re doing
I’m so used to sunny South Africans responding to my ‘Howzit’ with ‘I’m good and you?’ that now in the UK it has become weird to ask someone if they’re ‘alright’ only for them to respond I’m good. What about me? Do you not want to know how I am?

2. How to win the eye contact avoiding contest on public transport
The Brits really prefer commuting alone, so much to the extent that they simply pretend you’re not there. It’s not easy trying to suppress my South African instinct to chit chatter. Probably because it’s not something I want to do.

3. How they confuse South Africans with Kiwis and Aussies
We really are just not the same. And I’ll give you a hint: Ask us a yes/no question and if we answer with ‘ja’ we’re South African.

4. British small talk about the weather
Why is this such a hot topic and the first subject of nearly every conversation?

5. Calling anything above 26 degrees is a ‘heatwave’
I understand it gets hot and sticky and the underground is even worse, but really? A heatwave?

6. Wearing T-shirts when it’s 18 degrees
For many of us South Africans, 18 degrees is still winter. That pale, cold sun is deceiving!

7. And eating icecreams
My teeth chatter at the thought of an ice cream when it’s 18 degrees.

8. The art of layering in winter (and not looking like a snowman)
In South Africa when it’s cold, it’s cold, we are not used to dressing for overly-heated shops and rooms. I’m still getting used to putting together the perfect combination of thermals, jerseys and coats that are easy to strip off when inside.

9. Warm tops are not just jerseys
They’re jumpers, hoodies, cardigans, pullovers. People laugh when I just refer to any warm top as a jersey.

10. The post coming through the letterbox
I still jump when I hear it popping through the letterbox because it honestly sounds like someone is trying to break in!

11. Kids at the pub
The pub is hugely important in British culture, but I still can’t get used to seeing a kid happily eating a pub meal while his parents are drinking with their mates.

12. Crowding on the pavement outside a pub in Summer
Don’t get me wrong, I really enjoy British pubs, but I don’t need to stand on an inch of pavement (basically on the main road) being elbowed by everybody around me just to enjoy an after-work drink.

13. The South African wine available at the shops
While there are a few nice imported South African wines, there are quite a number of duds which have clearly been exported for a British market. I don’t think anyone would ever find them in South Africa, let alone pay over R150 for a screw top that belongs on the bottom shelf of a South African liquor store.

14. British Fish and Chips
I know it’s a staple, and I do enjoy it from time to time, but when people rave about how it is the best they’ve ever had I do take pity. Nothing quite beats a Fish and Chips from Kalk Bay.

15. Mushy peas
Maybe this is a personal taste, but which bright spark decided mashed peas was a thing?

16. British humour
I’m never quite sure if a Brit is laughing at me, at him or herself, or with me.

17. Self-deprecating humour
I still can’t figure out what’s funny about putting yourself down. It’s quite cute when Hugh Grant does it, but I just feel sorry for the Brits when they do it.

18. Dry dry sarcasm
Like when it’s pouring outside and the Brits comment about how delightful the weather is. I’m learning to try not say or ask anything too silly, because I know a Brit will be ready with a sarcastic quip!

19. Taking the piss
The Brits love to tease, and while often it seems like they’re just being mean, I’ve begun to realise that often it is a means of showing approval or even affection.

20. Obsessive tea drinking
I don’t particularly enjoy tea, and whenever I politely decline a cup people look at me oddly. Some even ask why. Because how could one possibly not want a cup of tea!

21. Tea is the cure for everything
For the Brits it’s always time to put the kettle on. In times of crisis, tea soothes. In times of panic, tea calms. In times of social awkwardness, tea breaks the silence.

22. British politeness and saying ‘sorry’
This is something I’ve found myself doing way too often – saying sorry. When someone bumps into me I find myself apologising. When I need to get past, I say sorry. Sorry this, sorry that, sometimes it feels like you’re apologising for your very existence!

23. The love for queuing
South Africans dread queues, particularly the kind one encounters at Home Affairs. But the British seem to love it. I have no idea how they stand so patiently waiting for public transport, food and the like.

24. Nobody scolds a queue jumper
When someone cuts in line, the Brits are more likely to mutter, purse their lips and shake their heads. Only a few brave souls will reprimand the queue jumper. In South Africa, someone who cuts in line would be shouted at (in 11 different languages).

25. The dismay of a delay
When trains run two minutes late in Britain, you’re sure to get a few disgruntled commuters huffing and puffing and cursing under their breath. I guess it comes with the territory of having a fully-functioning public transport system.

26. Knowing when to tip
I quickly learnt not to tip the barman (he actually returned the coins to me the first time I tried to tip). At restaurants it’s sometimes included in the bill, sometimes not. It’s not a flat 10% like it is in South Africa.

27. The act of flirting
South African men make it clear that they smaak you. The Brits try to make you guess (and use that confusing sense of humour) to tell you without telling you that you perhaps, sort of tickle their fancy.

28. The obsession with gardening and DIY
I take my hats off to the Brits who like to fix up their homes and gardens themselves, but I’ll never understand this obsession with home improvement. The Brits are known to spent bank holidays fixing up their homes instead of socialising and hosting braais like we so enjoy.

29. The British barbecue
I don’t think I need to provide further comment about the barbecue’s inferiority to the braai.

30. All the food chains
Don’t get me wrong, I’m so glad I’ve found Nandos and Steers, but I really do miss discovering a quaint little restaurant that’s not part of a chain. In the UK one needs to venture into small towns in the countryside to find them.

31. And the coffee chains
I would do anything to substitute my Costa Coffee for an authentic cappuccino in South Africa. For the price I pay for this watered-down coffee, I could have a bottomless cup of happiness in South Africa.

32. The sheer expensive of everything
I’ve stopped converting everything from Pounds to Rand, but I still can’t get used to just how crazy expensive things like public transport and rent are. Let alone eating out!

33. Plastic-packaged everything
I know Woolies ready meals are a hit in South Africa, but for most they are not a staple. Here, it seems you can fall into the trap of living from one plastic-packaged ready meal to the next if you’re not careful.

34. The efficient postal service
Things literally get sent across the UK overnight. It’s like some kind of magic!

35. The ease of flying to Europe
It’s so much more affordable flying low cost in the UK, and often it works out cheaper to fly to a European city for the weekend than to spend it in London.

36. How much the Brits love their pets
The British really are a nation of pet lovers. They bring their dogs to the pub, they let their cats take over the couch, and many even let them sleep with them. Some even say that the Brits love their pets more than their kids.

37. How they take pride in speaking ‘pure English’
I’m forever being teased for my South Africanisms (doesn’t stop me from using them), but often it feels like the Brits laugh at my inferior use of their language. While I may have stopped calling my ‘trousers’ ‘pants’ (as that just got awkward), nothing will stop me from speaking South African English.

Because at the end of the day, you’ve got to get used to these little British things in order to make it here. But that sure doesn’t mean you need to lose touch with your South African roots.

In fact, I find myself becoming more South African, more patriotic, and more likely to spread the positive news about my country since turning up on British shores.

Also read: 

Nine words British people use that mean something different to South Africans

Expectations vs reality when South Africans move to London

Five things you should never say to a South African

9 South African places vs their UK counterparts