So the good folks at asked me for a holiday editorial… My initial thought was “mother-eff Christmas!” but I quickly realized that would make for a tragically short article. So instead, I got myself over to Lloyd Center (Portland’s Designated Negro Shopping Mall) and sat myself down in the midst of the madness to write.

Here in the heart of misguided spending, we find a key element in the wild success of all winter holidays: Capitalism. I could go on about this for days and piss hella people off, but the fact is strategic marketing and imaginary money are not enough to keep Christmas and its suspicious league of similarly timed holidays afloat. Think about it, even the love of money couldn’t be keeping Kwanzaa around. Clearly, Kwanzaa is not generating anybody any money. The number one reason that winter holidays have survived for well over 2 millennia is simple: People want to party in the winter.

I mean seriously, it’s colder than a pimp’s heart at the end of December, why would anyone not want to have a few days off of work to drink cognac and cuddle with the pretty girl that your mom likes? You can wear sweaters and scarfs and those ridiculous hats with the flaps. You set a limit so everybody spends exactly the same amount of money on of gift cards for each other; amazingly, everyone knows that we’re not really sharing but we all pretend that we are. It’s the Christmas spirit, the American way. You do weird things like drink eggnog, eat canned cranberry sauce, and take pictures with family you only see on holidays. You feed, cloth or give toys to less-fortunate people, and then we party. Oh yes, we party.

I don’t care who you are or what you celebrate; I can guarantee you’re doing something special on Christmas. Why? Because there is nothing worse than being home alone when everyone you know is with someone that at least calls them family. I’ve heard that some people even log into Black Planet. It’s been scientifically proven that folks who stay at home alone on Christmas and watch TV are the loneliest people on Earth. Even worse off than the thirst-mongers that go to the club after Thanksgiving dinner. Don’t believe me? Call that not-so-self-confident girl that’s tweeting lonely nothings and mirror pics from web at 10:34 pm on Christmas night. Bet she’s trying to kick it.

But I digress, my point is that regardless of whether you are anti-everything, understand the procedure for Hanukkah, or put your kids in the laps of costumed men, there is no reason not to party if just about everyone has the day off. We could go on forever talking about the absurdities that surround Christmas mythology and asking what Santa Claus and candy canes have to do with Jesus, but why? In the summer, we have children’s birthday party-turned barbeques every weekend; but in the wintertime, Christmas is one of few occasions where we can get drunk in front of our parents, friends, and children all at the same time while watching NBA basketball. Let’s take advantage of that, and if you don’t drink, pop you a Martinelli’s bottle. It’s all good.