Nadine Dorries made culture war minister

NADINE Dorries has been made the minister for culture war with a remit to have all Britain in vicious conflict about bullshit by 2024. 

The committed ideologue, who was the first person voted off 2012’s I’m A Celebrity, plans to set husband against wife and brother against sister on a range of issues from James Bond to Noddy to the correct composition of a ploughman’s lunch.

She said: “To begin with, you know Paddington 3? They’re going to ruin it by being totally woke. I know. You should be f**king furious about that and not notice other stuff.

“Anyway, I am proud to take up this appointment, which as a Christian against gay marriage I was appointed to specifically to get on Britain’s tits.

“I’ll be attacking the BBC for being far too left-wing under its former Tory MP director general, getting in a Twitter fight with Gary Lineker about his unpatriotic Christmas decorations, and calling The Archers a Soviet soap opera for Communists.

“There won’t be a cultural experience untouched by my bullshit. You’ll know no peace. Even watching Strictly or listening to Ed Sheeran will be a battleground between left and right and God help you if you read a book.

“Then, while we’re raging about whether Billy Connolly was the prejudicial comedy of class war, Boris will quietly get re-elected and my job will be done.”

Five ways for BBC News to avoid saying 'It's because of Brexit'

BREXIT has been a disaster in many fields, but the BBC are duty-bound not to say it. What are they saying instead?

‘The global fruit shortage’

Never mind that farms have had to leave entire harvests rotting for want of pickers because Brexiters couldn’t bear the idea of all those foreigners in our fields. There is a mysterious shortage of fruit for some reason only nature understands that oddly isn’t happening just across the sea in the EU.

‘Traffic difficulties’

It’s not that Brexit stopped tens of thousands of drivers from living and working in the UK and caused them to return to the EU. No, it’s actually that a lorry jackknifing on the M25 in July has caused a delay to supplies that could last anywhere between three and 50 years. Pesky traffic.

‘New EU red tape’

The mess we find ourselves in isn’t due to us leaving the customs union, which should have caused no inconvenience whatsoever. No, it’s the belligerent EU applying their usual rules to non-members, like a gym insisting you can’t go bollock naked into their sauna now you don’t pay for it anymore.

‘A bizarre shortage of human beings’

Despite widespread hysteria about Britain being ‘full up’ there is suddenly a strange shortage of human beings to take on jobs in retail and hospitality, making it harder for Brits to engage in their favourite hobbies of shopping and getting pissed. Why? Who knows? Only time will tell, as the BBC aren’t going to.

‘Christmas is coming’

Forget the misery of food shortages by focussing on the fact that Christmas is on its way. It’s a time for merrily gathering with family and friends and miserably realising there is no turkey, booze or toys because of… Oh. Brexit.