Monday, June 7, 2010


One thing is for sure, America is the home for ACTION. We invented it in a fiery explosion of danger and violence. We're good at it, it comes natural, but one thing we're not good at is math. Unless it's action-math. Here's an example-


So it should come as no surprise that a movie titled Action U.S.A. is the most awesome movie in the history of the multiverse.

Action USA opens the way any badass 80's action movie should. A badass 80's dude slamming a beer, in a badass 80's corvette, with a hot n' horny 80's babe trying to grab his junk, blasting badass 80's cockrock with the top down.

"Sleek 1" zooms into frame proving once again that Texas is not to be messed with (unless you're Mexico and pulled off the biggest "messed with Texas" moment, the Alamo).

Like a true badass, the 80's dude says, "Check this out", before turning on the nitrous and speeding off to the ranch house for some 80's humping foreshadowed artfully with some grab-assing and the smooth line, "I've been wanting some of this".

80's babe is so turned on by this badass 80's dude's badassery, hey I would be too (no homo), that she starts stripping immediately. He seals the deal with another top notch swoon line, "Let's get to it", and the hump begins.

But there is more to Action USA than badass 80's dudes slaying 80's tang on a couch in a ranch style house. Two 80's goons kick the goddamn door right off the hinges and the real action begins.

They beat the badass right out of the 80's dude and cold clock the topless 80's babe right in the face before stuffing the now not badass at all 80's guy in the trunk of a car. They drive to a parking lot where a helicopter awaits them. The 80's dude is down but not out as he manages to squeeze a little more badass out of himself by calling one of the goon's fat right before they take off. Nice one, man!

In an attempt to elicit information from the 80's dude the goons hang him out of the copter for some serious on-screen action.

The 80's babe, shirt back on, pursues from the ground in a car. Adding to the overall action equation the goon drops the 80's dude from the helicopter. Fortunately for him the goon is not only fat but stupid as well because he drops him in a body of water where the 80's babe is waiting to pick him up. She makes a smart move and let's 80's dude drive because right away the goons quickly change vehicles and pursue the duo in a benz for some pistol-packin' car chasin'. For some reason the 80's babe keeps almost falling out of the car. Probably due to the ever increasing action which acts like a super strong action magnet that pulls you towards danger.

Just when you think the filmmakers can't pack any more action into this pulse-pounding, action-packed, cluster-fuck of a car chase they slam-pack a whole school bus full of teenagers into the mix. A twist on the classic "two workers carrying a sheet of glass in the middle of the road during a chase" gag, but instead of a sheet of glass it's a school bus and a trailer.

The action magnet pulls our duo upwards and over as they jump the bus in a stunt that can be only described as "completely unbelievable".

The goons, clearly without the aid of an action magnet, crash through the trailer causing the action meter to increase with an explosion.

Yet, despite all the badass, action-packed attempts at escaping the goons, they're captured.

And in one of the greatest twists in film history, the badass 80's bro we thought was our ambadassador of action, get's fucking wasted by a guy that looks like Freddy Mercury and Danny Trejo's butt baby!!!

The 80's babe narrowly escapes and soon gets commandeered by the FBI who are on a mission to thicken the plot. What follows is more action than you have ever seen. So much teeth-grinding-pulse-pounding-butt-clenching-by-the-seat-of-your-shorts-hot-dog-action that you will come to redefine the very meaning of the word. You will be changed. Here is a visual preview of things to come on the spirit quest of action known as Action USA.

Car jumping!


Jumping through windows!

Honky-Tonk Racism!




People on fire falling off bridges!!

Action USA is a testament to freedom and, as usual with Film Buf, you can grab the torrent over at Cinemageddon.


For science reasons I have constructed the graph below to accurately measure the action in Action USA.

I feel like I need to make some absurd blanket statement along the lines of "terrorists winning" if you don't watch this movie. But I think you know, deep down, in your heart of hearts, that watching this movie is an act of patriotism.

1 comment:

  1. Pure fucking genius! Excellent review my man.