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the sick

I believe in God, but have lost my faith in Him

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I believe in God, and probably won't ever stop. I'm a Christian Protestant, and have been for years. My problem is that while I believe in God, I believe Jesus died for our sins, and accept Him as my Lord and Savior, I don't really care. I actively dislike church, I dislike churchgoers, and I dislike the Christian lifestyle. I also have jealousy of other people for their health, their wealth, their successes, their physical looks, etc. and blame God for giving me nothing. I understand that I don't live in Haiti, Ethiopia, etc. where I don't have a toilet or clean water, and I'm thankful. But for someone who lives in the United States and deals with problems such as what I noted in the previous sentence, I just blame God for everything and can't get over it. For months, I'll say "**** you, God," or "**** God," or something similar. I think about the people I have met since I became an active Christian again about 4 years ago (after a lifetime of believing but not bothering or anything) and how many issues I have with them. Most of the people I have met at church are people that I dislike for various reasons. In their defense, I'm not a really nice/good person (I'm very blunt and dislike even perceived weakness if I think it's dumb). However, this is where I am now.

I just don't want anything to do with church or church people, but at the same time, I understand church and God are good for me. I remember an argument for atheists and how they think it's unfair God is basically sending them to hell for not believing. The answer to it was, "Well, you are alive now and you dislike church, you dislike the ten commandments, you dislike worship and prayer. Heaven is full of that, and everything to glorify God. If you don't want it now, why are you complaining about not experiencing it for the rest of eternity/in the afterlife?" But yet, here I am. I can only think of people I dislike and the way none of us see eye-to-eye on things. I think of the dullness of Christian life, the stupid rules (e.x. a local Christian college forbids men and women from sitting together at lunch, or going out to see a movie), and the general stupidity I see such as faith healing (it doesn't cure cancer), the old-fashioned adults who try bossing the younger churchgoers around because the Bible says to respect your elders, and just nothing really good.

I had this problem, sort of, a few years ago. I remember a girl (who is now an ex-Christian, I believe) saying that I was judging God and my relationship with Him based on other people, i.e. imperfect beings who didn't have a thing to do with God's greatness or my relationship with Him. But everything combined from the people I know/have met, the way I think I'm getting the short stick in life, and the lifestyle we're expected to lead just make me dislike it all completely. I believe in God, but I'm not practicing the religion anymore. My relationship with Him is weak if it even exists anymore, and again, I know that's bad. But what can I do to strengthen it? I opened a new Bible app on my phone last night, but I didn't know where to start. I was hoping someone here could point me to some Bible verses/stories/parables/books concerning this that could hopefully help, but after writing all of this out, I'll take pretty much any advice you guys can give.

I just wanted friends, a girlfriend, success with my college degree, and generally a good life, but I've never had it. If I give up religion completely (and possibly political views although that is highly unlikely), I would probably get the first two and maybe the last. But I don't want to trade eternity in Heaven for a few good decades on earth and then the rest of forever in Hell.

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Ah, yes. The dry seasons. 

No one teaches new believers about those. NO. ONE. and they happen. The "romance" of being saved ends when you realize how crappy the world is, how bad people who call themselves Christians can be, how nothing ends up in your favor, how evil seems to be winning, how "If God is good why am I single/ugly/lonely /why is the world: evil, cruel, hateful..." etc, etc.

I get it. 

Thing is, God isn't those legalistic church people who take verses out of context. God isn't that "holier than thou" NO TOUCHY OPPOSITE SEX college. Which, again, is legalism and if you try other areas, you will find that in pockets. Not all Christians share that sentiment. I have been a believer for 20 years and I do hug my male friends and go to the movies with them, and I've even been clothes shopping a few times with them.  

 Christianity is so much than Jeremiah 29:11 taken out of context or a chrome fish on a car.  It's not a get rich quick scheme or a way to get babes and degrees.  You have to have a relationship with God to get to heart of Christianity, because He IS at the center of it. You have to know him and his principles and his Son.  You can't just read 2 Bible verses, attend church twice and expect everything in the world to be okay. Having communion with God will make everything in your world FEEL okay, or doable at least, even if it's not actually okay. You do eventually find peace. and may fall out of peace, but there's the beauty of being human. :P  

"Christian life is dull"? Yeah, okay. Try getting fired from your dream job a week before rent is due when you're broke in the first place.  Try following the Lord to some new scary place where you don't know a soul while driving a 20 year old car. Try moving across the country because God told your parents to. Try losing friends because of your faith. Try being at the end of you rope with a suicide plot in place only to have someone step in at the last minute to stop you. Try learning about yourself in darkest hours. Try watching the world, your world, fall apart in front of your eyes but you feel peace regardless. If the Christian life is dull for you, you're probably doing something wrong. Or you haven't been doing it long enough.

As for religion, James 1:27 says this "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." That's it. It doesn't have a list of rules. "Do justly, love mercy, walk humbly with your God" are the basics.  It doesn't require 5 prayers a day. As you become closer to God, you learn more and you start living the standards the Bible sets, such as fleeing immorality and not wanting your neighbor's stuff.  It's not something you just go cold turkey from one lifestyle to another. It's a gradual change of heart. 

As for downloading the app, wonderful! Kudos for not giving up totally. I suggest Psalms, Proverbs or the Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke John) as starters.  I'd also suggest implementing prayer. I talk to God for 5 miles of my commute every day. It's not a bunch but it helps. You could start with praying for 3 minutes and work your way up. 

If you'd like some advice, I say stop comparing your life to others.  You will always see their grass as greener. ALWAYS.  I do this myself. I've been praying for a spouse for a long time and when I see my younger friends dating and getting married, I tend to go "Why NOT me God?" or even "Yo, you can do anything, why didn't you make me hot like her? Or rich like him? What is wrong with you? Why did you make me this way?"  or I see happy families and  start  off with "Okay, Mr. Perfection, why is her dad killin' it and my dad was an abuser? Why does she get to thrive and I got nothing but pain?"  and it does turn into a more PG version of what you said earlier. " You're mean, God and I hate you because you haven't blessed me in X Y Z ways!!" 

The lack of comparison will not only impact your faith, but your mental health as well.  Change your perspective from comparison to gratitude and watch yourself change. Be thankful for that toilet, food you can eat, a roof over your head, clothes you like.  Don't let the fact your neighbor has a Lambo and you have a Civic convince your life is terrible and God is awful.  Material goods are not an indicator of anything long lasting. 

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