January 21st 2011: Zombie characters

Wrath of the Zombies
, by Bob Cornell

She was awakened by a now familiar noise. “Dammit, they’re at it again!” she exclaimed once she peeked out the front window of the apartment. “They’re eating my petunias.”

There were about a score of them, though a few stragglers lagged behind the main group. They had descended upon the apartment building from a place known as Blu-berry Hill, their usual stomping ground, cavelike as it was. They preferred a moist atmosphere and thus a stone enclosure was most appropriate. Speed was not their forte, and the walk from the cave to the apartment went very slowly.

The they in this scenario are Zombies.

It seems that the Food and Drug Administration, riddled as it was with corruption and unqualified personnel, misplaced some very crucial samples of a hormone replacement. The samples found their way to the public and soon zombies were born. Well, reborn. Reanimated. Initially a zombie is a person just like you and me. This person is attacked with a viral infection which makes him deathly ill. That person ultimately dies and soon after, he regains the semblance of life as a zombie. Just so you know, handsome and beautiful are two adjectives you had best forget, if you plan on witnessing the death and the subsequent rejuvenation of a zombie.

Zombies are known to crave human flesh, to commit senseless atrocities, and frankly, most of them did just that. However, a very small, second faction emerged, as humans they had been strict vegans and active pacifists, practicing meditation regularly and questing for enlightenment. As zombies this translated to being oddly considerate and courteous, mumbling pleases and thank yous through their rotten lips and tongues. Had they not been in the midst of decomposition, they would have been downright cuddly. It has been rumored that football teams and fraternity houses used cuddling vegan zombies as an initiation rite, but that is a whole different story.

While the humans fought the rampaging flesh eaters, they were unsure of how to deal with their non-violent kin. It was decided to simply wait them out, they would eventually decompose, and since they didn’t bite, the virus would die with them. To the vegan zombies’, the epitome of delicacies was a garden flower, which is why an exasperated woman was standing at the front window of her apartment watching her petunias go from prize winning to soil. They ate the flowers, the buds, the leaves and the stems, turning to woman peering at them from behind the now lit window and calling a garbled, “thahng-ooo!”


Bob Cornell has been writing since 1996. He has published the industry guide ‘Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Resilient Tile, But Were Afraid To Ask,’ as well as a series of politically themed pieces, and columns for various local papers. He has been married for 49 amazing years and has 2 daughters and 3 wonderful grandchildren.

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