atheists and agnostics

Here’s an example of why Riff n Raff will appeal to atheists and agnostics.


Chapter 9 – SHEEP

The last thing Raff wanted, just then, was to get into a fight with her father, a man who always played by the rules, never questioned authority, and believed prayer was the answer to every problem.

Even though his wife, Raff’s mom, had been killed, along with nine other members of her army platoon, in a training exercise, testing a new weapon, he was 100% behind the war,  and he would remain that way, even if President Pudd’n’head ordered his army to stand down. He wanted war, and he wanted it now.

Conformity to every social expectation, he repeatedly told his daughter, was the secret to his being able to climb the corporate and social ladders to become the manager of a Best Buy electronics store. Thus, he’d tell his daughter, they were able to avoid taking up residence, next door to Riff, in the housing project.

But a fight seemed inevitable when Raff walked into the kitchen and he said, “Raphael, I want you to attend church with me this morning,”

Raff laughed, sarcastically, “I believe you.”

“Reverend Phelps is here… “

“Fred Phelps? The hate monger from Kansas who pickets funerals?”

“Those people were vile sinners who blasphemed God before they died the deaths they so rightly deserved. Reverend Phelps’ sermon is about the coming Armageddon. I thought you’d be interested.”

“Armageddon, huh? The final battle between good and evil? Revelations? Ezekiel?”

“This has all been prophesized, Raphael. Jesus is coming.”

“I’ve got news for you, dad: your Jesus never existed.”

“Blasphemy, child. Sacrilege! How can you say such things?”

Raff was well prepared for this argument. Weeks earlier, Mr. Mumu had told his classes how Jesus was an almost identical carbon copy of the Egyptian God Horus, who, legend had it, lived long before Jesus.

“No, dad, it’s not blasphemy. It’s simple deductive reasoning,” she said pulling out the list of remarkable similarities between the alleged holy men. “Whoever concocted the Jesus story stole it from the Horus myth.

“Look: Jesus was the light of the world, Horus was the light of the world.

“Jesus said he was the way, the truth and the life, Horus said he was the truth, the life.

“Jesus was the good shepherd, Horus was the good shepherd.

“Seven fishers board a boat with Jesus, seven men board a boat with Horus.

“Jesus was the lamb, Horus was the lamb.

“Jesus is identified with a cross, Horus is identified with a cross.

“Jesus was baptised at 30, Horus was baptised at 30.

“Jesus was the child of a virgin, Mary, Horus was the child of a virgin, Isis.

“The birth of Jesus was marked by a star, the birth of Horus was marked by a star.

“Jesus was the child teacher in the temple, Horus was the child teacher in the temple.

“Jesus had twelve disciples, Horus had twelve followers.

“Jesus was the morning star, Horus was the morning star.

“Jesus was the Christ, Horus was the Krst.

“Jesus was tempted on a mountain by Satan, Horus was tempted on a mountain by Set.

“Jesus raised Lazarus from the grave, Horus raised Osiris from the grave.

“Jesus healed the sick and walked on water, Horus healed the sick and walked on water.

“Jesus was crucified, Horus was crucified.

“Jesus was crucified beside two thieves, Horus was crucified beside two thieves

“Jesus was resurrected after three days, Horus was resurrected after three days.” Raff looked at her father, as if to say, I rest my case.

As was his habit, when he could not come up with answers to his daughter’s probing questions, Raff’s father had stuck his fingers in his ears and begun to pray fervently, in an attempt to block out what his daughter was telling him.

This never failed to enrage Raff and she barked, “How do you explain all that, dad? Huh? How? Do you think that’s all a coincidence? Are you crazy?”

As her father ignored her and continued to pray, Raff shook her head and fell silent for about ten seconds before continuing, “And based on this elaborate hoax, you and the rest of your brotherhood of sheep are actually praying for this war to start. That’s sick. Sick, sick, sick. The whole world is going to be destroyed and you’re cheerleading for it.”

Raff’s father got up from his knees, crossed himself several times and walked to a small wooden case sitting atop a mantel place. He pulled a key from his pocket, unlocked the box and pulled out a Smith and Wesson  9 mil. He fell to his knees, placed his hands together in front of him, in the fashion of prayer, with the gun jammed directly under his jaw. He screamed, “Jesus is coming and you will burn!”

Raff had seen and heard it before. “Pray for the best, prepare for the worst,” was one of her father’s mantras. Raff was not alarmed but she was enraged. She screamed over top of her father’s continued prayers:

What do you get for pretending the danger’s not real?
meek and obedient you follow the leader
down well trodden corridors
into the valley of steel

What a surprise!
a look of terminal shock in your eyes
now things really are what they seem.
no, this is not a bad dream

Raff’s father got to his feet, glared at his daughter and walked to the door, never hearing a word the girl was saying. He put the gun in his coat pocket and said, solemnly, “I will pray for you, Raphael. May God have mercy on your soul.”

“Jesus Christ!” Raff exclaimed.

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