Wednesday, December 29, 2010

I don't get this

I just wrote a blog but it went to an alternate blog by the same title--also mine, but not here. I realized that the last one also went there! Anybody understand this?

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Prescription Drugs can steal your self

"I feel like CRAP!" she said as she sat down. "And I think it's the antidepressants. They make me need meds to sleep and then I'm groggy in the morning. I feel inadequate. I'm afraid to speak up. I feel like a hypochondriac because I'm always trying to find out what's wrong. I'm afraid to let people know where I'm at, afraid I won't be accepted, and I have to do it on my own."
  For 5 years Terri had been feeling physically awful. Every three weeks she went to the doctor, an addictionologist, who would change her meds, but couldn't find anything physically wrong. Finally she was on 11 different medications, she was in pain so she added Darvocet, she was 30 lbs overweight, she had no motivation and was afraid she was getting Alzheimers. The Darvocet would make her feel guilty so she would go off. And then she would feel so bad, she would go back on.
  She was frantic when she came to me. We started working with emotions. We found lies and got them healed. We did Healing the Unconscious Mind on everything she was afraid of, and everything we could think of.
   In three months she was eating better, exercising more, telling the truth, and had returned to her normal weight. She had gone from 11 medications to four. She is off the Prozak which made her feel foggy, and the Darvocet, which scared her but she hadn't thought she could live without. She went to a new doctor who got her on a nonnarcotic for pain and found the cause of it. She feels like a new person.
   Can drugs--even prescribed drugs taken as directed--steal your self? Terri would say a resounding "Yes!"

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Intimacy -- a True Learning Curve

   I've been thinking about intimacy lately. I've been watching two friends get married and self-destruct. Actually couple-destruct. I'm hoping that it ends up being self-building. If they had a little more self, they wouldn't be so afraid to be intimate.
   I'm not talking about sex. I don't think sex is the problem. Their honeymoon was "perfect." I'm talking about the relationship (not sex either); the coming together of two beings in safety. Safe enough to abandon themselves to each other. Safe enough to trust themselves to the other. That is the stuff of good sex. That is true intimacy. Without it you've got mechanics that are pretty dependable -- at least for younger men -- but not very satisfying for women, and problematic for older men.
   So why are they struggling now? They've hit the wall, or maybe it's a rite of passage, that every marriage goes through: The power struggle. How much of my wants and needs can I give up to fill your wants and needs and still maintain my identity? How much can I give before you take advantage of me? How much can I insist on my way before you leave? It's tortuous terrain, difficult to navigate even with a strong sense of self--what we call "solid self" in family systems therapy. A self definitely helps.
   The stronger their identity, the more likely couples are to negotiate commitment easily, because the stronger your solid self is, the less painful it is to give. Not to be confused with a "pleaser" who has learned "giving" as a defense mechanism or lifestyle. Giving is their modus operandi --it's what they do--it is their identity. They have an easy time giving, but huge solid-self deficits.  If your identity is strong you can give in to another's need, even want, and not have your world rocked. You adapt.
   Unless, of course what they want you to give goes against your solid self. But hopefully by the time you get married, you know the person's belief system and moral fabric. That's why it takes time to love which is 90% commitment. But once you know someone, really know and have chosen that partner, most of the rest of it is about stuff. And stuff is negotiable. Remember "When Harry met Sally"...
   "You really hate that beautiful wagon-wheel coffee table? I love that! It's my favorite piece of furniture!"
    And even that can go.
   If you find yourself fighting over stuff or space or who has the power, just know that power-grabbing is any enemy of love. If you have to hang onto power or insist on your rights, take a look inside. How comfortable are you with yourself? Can you let go of things for the good of your beloved? Can you give until it hurts? When it begins to hurt, re-evaluate. What is more important--power or love? If you have to have all the power, then your partner is not safe. Safe power is shared power. Love is safety, not power. That is the message from the cross.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

What's happened?

 I've been having trouble leaving new posts. For some reason ever since I signed up for Google Buzz, my posts have been going to an alternate blog. Weird. Today it seems to be working--even though I still have the alternate blog. Oh well, it was only about how scared I was to put myself out there in print--and how excited.
  I've been consumed with Covert Ops lately--my little book for the troops--and trying to get it out. I published it before The Worst Evil and haven't even worked on that one lately. I have to say it has been great to get a book out--even if it is a tiny one. It is so cute. It might be the first camouflage book you've ever seen. (The camouflage is around the picture on the cover.) You can see it at I am also starting to post excepts from the book there. I am very happy with the way it turned out. And none of it happened the way I planned or thought it would.
  In the first month we have sold a hundred copies and donated a hundred. Sixty of those have gone to Afghanistan. It's a start. Anyone who knows how to maximize advertising on the web, I'd love to hear from you. And thanks.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

It's important to have your unconscious mind working with you.

  I had a session last night that started me thinking. I introduced someone to HUM which is my label for Healing the Unconscious Mind. One of my mentors, Dr. Wiggins, taught me this process and shared that your unconscious mind is 7,000 times more powerful than your conscious mind, so you definitely want it working for you, and not against you.
  But why would it work against you? Because your unconscious mind is all the things that have ever happened to you, all the thoughts, feelings, or reactions that you've ever had, all accumulated beliefs, chosen or just accumulated. If all of that unprocessed stuff is 7000 times more powerful than your choices, you might be in for trouble.
  For instance if you are trying to break an addiction, you want, no, you need, your unconscious mind on board. It may still believe that you need the addiction because you took it on for some reason. It worked to make you feel better or escape something--usually bad feelings. If it sabotages you because of fear of losing one of it's comfort tools, and it is way more powerful than consciousness... You get the picture, if it's working against your best intentions, you have a poor prognosis. You want it working for you, with you, in sync. So healing it (changing old beliefs) and educating it is very important. HUM is in my book and is a simple process of telling your unconscious mind what you want from it in at least three different sentences and saying "Heal or Jesus" after each one. Your unconscious responds very well to both of those words and will go to work for to make your request a reality.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Being the favorite child is as bad as being a black sheep.

I wrote about this briefly in my first blog--how being favored can cause you to lose yourself. It was in-my-face again today. There is a certain amount of anxiety in every system. It's greater or lesser depending on how well your parents dealt with the anxiety in their family of origin. So the short explanation is if your parents didn't separate from their parents in a healthy way, and you are their favorite (or the only child), you get all of their anxiety and unresolved issues. You definitely don't want to be an only child if you had unhealthy parents. Neither do you want to be the favorite if your parents weren't raised well themselves, or had things happen that they weren't able, or willing, to face and work through. Your best route now is to face your own short-comings however difficult that is. That way your children won't end up carrying them, and possibly magnifying them.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

How do you lose yourself?


Losing yourself, or your "self" may start early. If your parents were preoccupied with getting their own unmet needs met, or were wrapped up in codependency with an alcoholic, or otherwise addicted partner, you may have been neglected or scapegoated. In that case you didn't develop a solid sense of identity. You were likely always looking for what the adults around you wanted, attempting to make yourself acceptable. I call that "playing to the crowd." If that was your beginning, it's hard to feel secure or good about yourself.
   If you were well-loved and have a solid sense of who you are, you probably aren't reading this blog. But if you were "too loved" (pampered and over-given everything) then you may live with a sense of entitlement that's just as bad. In such case you believed the world revolved around you, and when it didn't, you crashed unable to cope. You hadn't learned coping skills.
  Either of these leaves you feeling insecure and confused. And you may be tempted to give up more of you to get love or recognition.
   If we lose a functional ability, like I lost function of my ankle when it was crushed in a car accident, that can be regained if we haven't lost hope and the will to work at rehabilitation. If I had been too depressed or too discouraged, trying to move it and seeing nothing happen, I might have lost my ability to walk, let alone ski. Poor mental health might have caused me physical loss. That is the first level of losing you.

     Skiing the Andes proved I hadn't lost my ankle.

   The second, more serious level is never knowing your own gifts, talents, or worth. Perhaps you don't like yourself, or you wonder if anyone cares because you didn't get the emotional support you needed in the formative years. You may have lost your heart.
  Third is the most serious loss of yourself: you don't know what you believe. Why does that matter? Because we all act out our beliefs. We just do. So you may be demonstrating them without even knowing what they are. If you're unhappy with your life, start checking out what you believe about yourself, life, people, God, and so on.
   The good news is you can find yourself. You can form a solid self. God wants you to. He wants you to love and like yourself. He does.