Dear Rachel,

There is a woman in my social circles who seems to have an agenda to create conflict with anyone around her. This can range from sneers, to derogatory remarks, to a strategic and manipulative picking apart and tearing down of a person’s very psyche and being. Oddly, some people actually seem to enjoy her behavior and, strangely, seem to “get a kick” out of it. I am not one of them. I feel intimidated and threatened, and I even find myself changing my plans just to avoid this person.

Please help. I don’t want to live in fear and apprehension of this person. I don’t think anything about it is right. But I don’t know how to make it stop. If I confront her, it just adds fuel to the fire, as she loves confrontation. I feel I can’t even go to events and celebrations without the foreboding dread of having to cross paths with this woman. This can’t be healthy. What can I do?


Tired of Being Afraid

Dear Tired of Being Afraid,

Probably, we all have at least one person in our life who just brings us down and creates negativity, and you are wise to search for an answer to your challenge. And you’re right, no one should have to live in constant fear or apprehension of another person. Leviticus 25:17 says, “You shall not wrong one another.” This has traditionally been interpreted as wronging a Some people actually seem to enjoy her behaviorperson with speech. So, how do you handle individuals who consistently cause you conflict and pain with their words?

You may want to avoid this woman, but that may impede your ability to live and enjoy life. Additionally, you certainly don’t do yourself any favors by running from life’s challenges.

So, how do you handle this type of situation?

Before you can effectively deal with someone who causes conflict and pain in your life, you need to come to the realization that this person, your “opponent,” is not really your opponent.

Often, the behaviors we exhibit as adults are rooted in our childhood. For example, a child acts out in school and receives (negative) attention. Or a child gets hurt, and the adults make a fuss over him. And now, all of a sudden, that child now stands out. He feels, in a sense, special.

Sooner or later, most children realize that this type of “specialness” is an ill-gotten identity, and they understand that they can do better than that.

But, for various reasons, not all children get past this stage. Even as adults, they continue to reinforce their identity with the pain they feel or the trouble they cause. If people don’t give them enough attention, then they seek it out. After all, their very being needs it, craves it, feels as if they can’t survive without it. This can take on many forms, including an individual who is always bemoaning his situation, or someone who is always attacking others.

So, you are not dealing with an opponent, but rather with an opponent’s created negative identity. Once that is understood, half the battle is already won.

The second step is to be very present when your paths cross. Don’t think about the past, don’t think about the future; only absorb the moment you are in. Be cognizant of the fact that all that exists is energized by G‑d, as it says in Psalms 46:11: “Be still and know that I am G‑d.” Listen to your breathing; be aware of your heart’s beat and the life that pulses through you. Be quiet, be calm, be aware and alert.

The third step is to be very, very careful not to judge. You don’t know, and may never know, where that person is coming from and why she is the way she is. It is really tempting to judge, but don’t act on it—just let it go.

The fourth step is to surrender. In the Shemoneh Esrei prayer, we say, “To those who curse me, let my soul be silent; let my soul be like dust to everyone.” Initially, this seems like a very weak stance to take, and you may wonder how you are going to overcome anything with this type of outlook. But, truly, it is the most powerful stance. Martial arts use the same concept: “Yield to overcome.” Rather than resisting a person’s negativity, which just energizes it, let that person’s negativity just pass you by. With nowhere to go, the negativity will “boomerang” back to its source in a weakened state.

There are many ways to yield to overcome, but to give an example, I once saw a hot-tempered restaurant owner who was unjustly and fiercely berating his employee. The employee was a very good worker, but the owner had had a bad day and was taking it out on his employee. The employee The owner had had a bad day and was taking it out on his employeecalmly listened to his tirade and just let it pass by her like water. She then calmly thanked him for his input and stated that she understood his angst, but since she was doing her best, and it still was not satisfactory, she would go ahead and find alternative employment. She did it so calmly, and without judgment or sarcasm, that it stopped the restaurant owner in his tracks. After stumbling about for words, he became apologetic and never treated his employee like that again. In fact, he became her biggest fan.

Another beautiful example was skillfully demonstrated by a young man who was explaining his Judaism in his classroom at school, when another student began to taunt the young man. “You are Jewish only because your parents brainwashed you. It’s all fake, you don’t know anything!” the fellow student sneered.

The young man could have angrily lashed back, feeding further into the conflict. But he retained his composure, remained alert and present in the moment, and allowed his mind to not judge his accuser or himself, but to simply observe the accusation.

The young man then yielded to the accusation and realized that he was brainwashed. His parents had brainwashed him to have respect for other people and for himself, to value his integrity and to do his best, and they enriched his life with love, faith, character, and so many other powerfully good things. The young man then felt sorry for his accuser that he didn’t have parents who also gave him those values. He then wielded the very words of his accuser to neutralize the conflict, and simply stated, “You can call it brainwashing if you want; that’s fine. I call it teaching.”

To recap, just keep to these steps:

  1. Understand that you are not dealing with your opponent, but rather your opponent’s conflict-based identity.
  2. Be very present. Be calm and focused.
  3. Do not judge, just observe.
  4. Yield to overcome.

Now that you are aware of these steps, you may be able to apply them to many other situations that cause conflict and pain in your life. It may just take you by surprise how the conflict and pain will finally be healed.