Personally Opposed

My Name is Tiger Woods. As many of you may have heard by now, I have been publicly accused of having numerous affairs with multiple women who are not my wife. Now, while we all might agree that adultery is not a desirable thing, we must recognize that it is often a difficult choice in the life of a man.

Sometimes, through no fault of his own, a man can find himself in a difficult marriage. He is sometimes faced with the difficult choice of staying faithful to his Swedish bikini model wife or committing adultery with barmaids and hostesses. This is particularly true for professional athletes.

There are those who think that they know what is best for every pro-athlete or even a regular man. There are women in high places, I think particularly of some female Buick Executives, who think they know what what every man should do in this situation. These women, who have never played professional sport at any level and cannot possibly understand the temptations, think they know what is best for ALL pro athletes. While some men may be in the position where they can choose to stay faithful, other men feel must make the difficult decision to commit adultery.

Now, while I am personally opposed to adultery, I do not believe that I can impose my anti-adultery views on the pro athlete community at large. I believe it is perfectly fine for a person to be privately anti-adultery, but as a prominent athlete I must be publicly pro-choice.

Some Buick executives suggest that because of my public position on adultery that they can threaten to withhold my paychecks because they say that I am in violation of the morality clauses of my contract. This is very unfortunate. I have been associated with Buick for many years and consider myself a Buick spokesman regardless of their threats. I am a Buick spokesman in good standing and to suggest otherwise simply because I am publicly pro-choice on adultery is ridiculous.

My contract states that I must be anti-adultery, and so I accept my contract. But this is a private contract and should have no bearing on the public policy I support or on my public behavior.

Perhaps, rather than trying to dictate to every pro-athlete how they should live their lives, Buick should just concentrate on making cars.

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Sounds just as silly when Catholic politicians make the same argument about abortion.


  1. Tiger, may I just say how brave you are to come out of the closet of fidelity and face the wrath of narrow-minded monogamists everywhere. What really matters at the end of the day is that you believe in Buick, and no-one should ever have the right to stop you driving around in one, or filling up with gas and alcohol where and whensoever you choose. Just because you crash does not mean you are a bad driver - and anyone who says otherwise is a racist uptight bigot.

    And, anyway - King David had lots of concubines, and that's written in scripture so it must be ok. So what's all the fuss about?

  2. Many people don't know this, but I'm actually personally opposed to flying airplanes into buildings. I mean, martyrdom? Yuck. But I've got a global terrorist organization to run and 52 mouths to feed. What's a guy to do? It doesn't make me any less of a Catholic than the rest of you.

  3. The number of bimbos T.W. had on the string is now reported at seven. Gotta feel sorry for the guy, how do you keep all the names, birthdays, phone numbers, etc. straight?

    It's a tough life he lives.

  4. Tiger has made a really bad mistake in judgment...but what about the women he was involved with? Don't they own some of the quilt here? After all they all knew he was a married man with a family.
    I'm just sayin...

  5. If his repetitive self-justification were substituted by an aplogy for violating his marriage vows, Tiger would at least demonstrate that he has principles which he failed to follow. At some point, Tiger will have to stop deceiving himself, or he will go on living one lie after the other and join that heap of otherwise gifted lives whose personal tragedy is that they can't say, "No" to whatever gives them a temporary rush and leaves them morally bankrupt.

  6. Great piece of satire! I absolutely love it! I'll be forwarding this to friends and family who can use a different perspective on the pro-life argument.

  7. Although this Tiger issue may be handled and explained in many ways, satire maybe the last vehicle to use in order to discuss Woods' lack of understanding what marriage is about. And any sponser who sticks with this guy is equally morally void of basic priciples.

  8. I agree, he might be seen as one who is just managing his justified herd as experienced in previous times as the norm. Like Jacob, who was producing children with two sisters (his cousins, given by his uncle with a little deceite to boot), and also with each's handmade(the other slave and servant women didn't make the print of history).
    So, really we should just get over it and celebrate his success on the land and the spoils that go with it.

  9. Jacque,

    I'm sure you're right. Those women probably do share some of the quilt. :)


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