Humor in the courtroom

Mary Louise Gilman, editor of the National Shorthand Reporter has collected
many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books – Humor in the
Mrs. Gilmans two volumes, here are some transquips:

Q. What is your brother-in-laws name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. Whats his first name?
A. I cant remember.
Q. Hes been your brother-in-law for years, and you cant remember his first
A. No. I tell you Im too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing
to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for Gods sake, tell them your first name!
A. I refuse to answer that question.
A. I refuse to answer that question.
A. No.
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
Q. Are you married?
A. No, Im divorced.
A. A lot of things I didnt know about.
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
and said he was really good.
A. I will be three months November 8th.
A. Yes.
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you comitted suicide?
A. Four times.
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldnt pronunciate his words.
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, I have to kill you because you can identify me.
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
notice which I sent to your attorney?
and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dogs ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
Q. What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A. She is my daughter.
Q. Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
Q. …and what did he do then?
A. He didnt offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
with respect to your scalp?
A. I didnt see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q. It was covered?
A. Yes, bandaged.
of my head.
Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
A. I could see his head.
Q. And where was his head?
A. Just above his shoulders.
A. Oh, she will tell the truth. She said shed kill that sonofabitch – and
she did!
Q. Do you drink when youre on duty?
A. I dont drink when Im on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
Q. …any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial
instead of an attempted murder trial?
A. The victim lived.
Q. Are you sexually active?
A. No, I just lie there.
Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A. Yes, I have been since early childhood.
isnt it. You too were shot in the fracas?
Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A. It indicates intercourse.
Q. Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.
Q. (Showing man picture.) Thats you?
A. Yes, sir.

Joke found on http://www.doorseva.com

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