Weiner Means Winner in Warlock Speak

Come now, your wiener is not that big.

Thur. June 2, 2011

Weinerville, NY (Krapsody) - Rep. Anthony Weiner is in the hot seat this week over a sexually suggestive photo he allegedly sent to a 21-year old female student in Seattle who is one of his 54,000 followers on Twitter. Weiner has not stated that the crotch in the picture was somebody else’s. So whose could it be? There will be no juvenile dick jokes or double entendres here. Quite frankly, it was mine and here's proof.

I submit Exhibit A:

All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up.

How, or why Weiner got my wiener photo is beyond me. And just precisely what he's been doing with it before he started sending it off to young women on Twitter with reckless abandon is also up for debate; prank or not. If this were Charlie Sheen we were talking about this self-inflicted "prank" might just be another method of winning to him.

Don't get me started on Brett Favre and Kanye West's incidents, when you need only go as far as Craigslist's casual encounters, Chatroulette, or certain douchebags iPhones for proof that it isn't just male celebrities who are ready for their crotch close-up.

However, now that Rep. Weiner's fiasco has been revealed, I can only venture to guess the motivation here was that he thinks that I'm better endowed than he is, and sending images of my dong to prospective ladies is his way of acquiring dates. I briefly considered suing him, but after taking a moment to reflect on it how could I hold it against him? For one: I'm not a whiner.

Feeling inadequate are we, Mr. Weiner? As they say, silence is guilt.

The recipients of my photo must be painfully disappointed when they find out Weiner's wiener is not much bigger than a cocktail wiener. That is just false advertising in my opinion. Weiner's followers are the ones being most taken advantage of here -- not me. If anything I am getting some free advertising out of all of this.

Now there can be no question that that famous wiener belongs to me. It's 100% authentic and natural - USDA Prime grade beef. It's better than drinking alone or a poke in the eye. I should be charging folks just to look at it.

Consequently, my wiener pic is responsible for politicians in Spain reacting to the "cucumber crisis" in Germany, by stuffing their faces with cucumbers and other elongated green vegetables to prove their safety.

Surely, my wiener is much safer by World Health Organization standards, but then again, it cannot be a substitute for all those cucumbers going to waste. And, quite honestly, I would happily donate my wiener to the cause, but I kind of need it and all.

Rep. Weiner, on the other hand, shamelessly used my crotch as a ploy to flirt with his Twitter followers. And who can blame him, because all men feel just as compelled to use my wiener as a way to stimulate desire in any woman (or man) on the planet. So don't feel bad if you want to use it. If it's good enough for Weiner, it's good enough for you.

Who can resist my hypnotic snake charms? No one that's who. Not even you are immune. Look at it. Go ahead. I'll give you a minute to take it all in.

You are getting..sleepy . . NO!...horny. Just admit it and we can go back to talking about something less stimulating than my wiener . . . such as health care, unemployment statistics, my about page, naked photos of Blake Lively surfacing on the internet, or bin Laden's extensive stash of porn.

That will be $49.95 payable in cold hard cash now please.


Gorilla Bananas said...

What's needed here is a cock identity parade. A bunch of guys with hoods on their heads stand in the line with their cocks exposed, one of them being the congressman. Then the student can pick out the one she saw and give it a polish if she wants.

Kelly said...

I figured you were the culprit in all of this "worthy" media hysteria. Troublemaker! By the way, are you going to sell that pic to Playgirl magazine to make a few bucks? You should, ya know. You might get enough to purchase a pack of gum. Who knows?

Geez, next thing you know, you'll be ruining the next Rapture for all of us. :(

ShawnRipke said...


BLUR vs OASIS -Ultimate Britpop Battle
Vote for your favorite band!!!
This video is related to a concert that is happening on July 2nd
@ Bell House New York(Bklyn)
Rock on!
and let us know how do you like it

ShawnRipke said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ShawnRipke said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
John Edwards said...

Haha! Weiner is an idiot. It's alright to plead not guilty to taking $925,000 in under-the-table campaign contributions to hide your pregnant mistress, but never ever take a picture of your penis.

A feminislamonazifascistard said...

Rep. Anthony Weiner supports and causes sexism and misogyny. His violently magnificent but very sexist penis pics normalize contempt for women in cyber culture. The women on his Twitter account are called 'sluts' and other worse labels by politicians like Weiner who they are subjecting themselves to. Only an idiot would treat it as a joke or pretend it's some kind of antidote to feminism.

billy pilgrim said...

I wish I were an Oscar Mayer Weiner
That is what I truly wish to be
cause if i were a oscar mayer weiner
everyone would be in love
oh everyone would be in love
everyone would be in love with me

Static said...

@ Mr. Japing Ape: You have a good point, but I don't think I want to participate. What you are describing sounds like a semi-homoerotic Ku Klux Klansman stag film. And I am just not into that sort of thing. Trust me, it's mine...and no, you can't touch it.

Static said...

@7masterheathen: Gosh, do you think I could actually get something for my photo? The few dollars I'd earn would go towards "The Rapture Disaster Fund" (which is also secretly "The Rapture Sabotage Fund"), and this would be the only payoff.

Static said...

@ ShawnRipke: Hate it already. May you be anally impaled 3X by a pneumatic drill set on high speed run by a baboon hopped up on methamphetamines you spamming sack of cHImPSTER shit.

Static said...

@ John Edwards: Yes, because neither of those choices are so very very wrong, not even in the slightest. Who's the idiot again? That's right, you are.

Static said...

@ A feminislamonazifascistard: Get fucked.

Static said...

@ Billy Pilgrim: My bologna has a first name its O-s-c-a-r
My bologna has a second name it's M-e-y-e-r
Ohh I love to eat it everyday and if you ask me why I'd say
'Cause Oscar Meyer has a way with b-o-l-o-g-n-a!

Now everybody...SUCK IT!

Rafael Clarkstein said...

I don't know about you guys, but I think Rep. Weiner gave me Visual AIDS with his penis pic.

Static said...

@ Rafael: He blinded me with science.

Der Übermensch said...

What is it with you and sticking your face onto photos of dudes packing big chunks of meat? I worry about you sometimes. ;)

Static said...

@ Gavin: Hey! How the hell are ya? It's about gottdamned time you stopped effing around with that submissive freak, Mserv on Mancustard and started blogging again. Now I wanna see some proper articles at Der Übermensch, or I'm gonna fuck a chicken on video then send it to your inbox for inspiration - and your viewing pleasure - since that's the sort of thing you're into.

**dick slaps ya with that big chunk of meat in my Fruit of the Looms boxer briefs**

Don't worry, there's more of that where it came from. LAWL

THE SNEE said...

Phew! I nearly went Bananas over at The Snee. Finally, You've put me right!

Der Übermensch said...

@ Static: [crudely imitating Eric Cartman] WhatEVER! WhatEVER! I do what I want!

Static said...

@ THE SNEE: Over here we go bananas for Weiner.

Static said...

@ Der Übermensch [crudely imitating Kyle Broflovski] You bet your sweet fuckin' ass you do, fat fuck!

LilPixi said...

With a photo that sexy, I'm really surprised they're now offering Wiener a place in the porn industry instead, my friend.

Static said...

@ALollipopWorld: Oh, why, um, gosh...thanks! Er, uh. *blushes* Wait, WEINER porn?!! wtfmlgtfomg!

Agent 54 said...

This is quite a controversy that you have stirred up.

There is no right, there is no wrong, there is no good, there is no bad, there is only Funny and Not Funny. Anthony Weiner is Funny.


jaypee hospital said...

Amazing amount of great, actionable advice. I will keep coming back to this for a while to try and implement many of these! Thanks!

Static said...

@jaypeehospital - be sure to grip the wiener with both hands as you forcibly rip it off, and don't forget to kick the balls.

Penile Implant said...

Thank you, that was just an awesome post!!!

Static said...

@Penile Implant (aka Dick Head) - Thanks. But don't you think I already knew that, bitch? I wrote it. 😛

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