Where Do I Fit In?

10:24 PM

"Alana, you don't have a family." My brother said this to me the other day. Apparently, he and one of my cousins don't believe I invest enough time in the family so they've kicked me out. This was all very comical...until it wasn't. I've never fit into my family. I am so very different from both sides of my family. They're loud, I'm quiet, they argue, I'd rather speak my peace and then walk away, they avoid certain issues, I deal with things head on, forget the consequences. I've always felt like an outsider, but I've been ok with that, because as Bernie Mac use to say, I walk alone. I've always been my own person, and I've always done my own thing, I've never need validation from anyone.

When I was younger, my parents use to take me home (to Illinois) all the time. The visits eventually became less frequent, and as I got older, I started to feel less connected to my family. I'd look at everybody and feel like a triangle trying to fit into the space meant for a square. Then something happened to me when I was around sixteen, that made me want to totally disconnect from that part of my life. I didn't want to go back home. Home was no longer a safe place for me, it was tainted, and I wanted no part of it. However, my family was still my family. So when my brother mentioned that I didn't have a family, it started bothering me, more so because I've felt this way before. I've felt like I didn't have anyone, which is probably why I started this genealogy search on my family.

When I started this, I was doing it because I'd heard so many different versions of the same stories. Nothing was adding up, and I wanted answers. As I continue going through files, and reading, and finding information that's shooting down some of these stories, I'm starting to realize that, this whole journey is about me figuring out where I fit in, where I belong. I'm trying to find a piece of something that places me in this family that I have loved for as long as I can remember. I don't need to feel like I belong, but it feels good knowing that I just might.

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