<![CDATA[Muckmouth - 2nd Generation Pros]]>Thu, 09 Apr 2020 02:24:35 -0700Weebly<![CDATA[2nd generation pros]]>Mon, 30 Mar 2015 07:52:22 GMThttps://www.muckmouth.com/2nd-generation-pros/2nd-generation-pros

2nd generation pros

A wise retard once said that life is like a box of chocolates, well, the same can be said about families; 
some kids are born into a house of Caramels that nurture their dreams, but the rest of us are stuck with fucking Turkish Delight. For most adolescents, telling your parents you want a skateboard comes a close second to the “I think I like boys” conversation, but what happens when skateboarders breed? Once every seventeen thousand skate rat children, it results in second generation pros, a phenomenon of nature comparable to a unicorn or a handsome albino. Back in the good ol’ days you could just be a street skater, but now you’ve gotta back lip every 14ft cheese grater bowl in South America to get any fucking props. This pesky new breed have combined contemporary skateboarding with eighties memorabilia, creating what has become the new standard of professionalism. Here are the some of the best, but it’s not the top five, because fuck Buzzfeed.


Son of former professional skateboarder Thomas Taylor, Grant Taylor was blessed to receive the same last name. As if that wasn’t enough, his father went on to mentor him in a “not pushing my kid off the vert ramp” kind of way. Grant was riding a skateboard from six years old; but his father apparently treated him more like a mate than an impending child welfare lawsuit. Young Taylor soon grew up to be a skateboard assassin, ditching the sinking ship of Alien to take his rightful position in the spotlight at Anti Hero. Grant notched up a cheeky Skateboarder of the Year Award ahead of skate android Nyjah Huston, and got back to back Thrasher covers. Words like “fast”, “powerful” and “fuck” come to mind when describing Grants skateboarding.


Alex was born with a hideous birth defect, resulting in the grotesque disfigurement of his face; despite this overwhelming impairment, he was able to carve out a half way decent career as a skateboarder/designer/model/actress. His old man is Steve Olson, who is currently ranked number eight in the top ten coolest cunts ever. Not only a professional skateboarder, daddy dearest was a black belt panty slayer who bedded models from LA to Paris, so it was only natural that Alex became a swordsman. Like a young Kardashian he fucked his way onto the Hollywood B List, now he does ads for Louis Vuitton. Have you seen their shit? Like a grand for a wallet bro, the kid must be balling.


There are several men who claim to be the second coming of the messiah, but the proof is in the goddamn pudding. His father Christian Fletcher doesn’t just walk on water, he does ollies, so naturally his child is Jesus-esque. Watching Greyson skate a bowl is like witnessing some water into wine shit, examples such as this prove that he is definitely a god. Between skateboarding evangelism he did a show on HBO with the habitual masturbator from “Married With Children”, but disappointingly he didn’t cry, not even a little bit. His bloodline is so regal that his grand pappy was the first human to skateboard a pool, and recent scientific tests in the Transworld laboratory proved conclusively that Greyson is a direct descendent of “Adam McNatt”, the first man to skate the garden of Eden.


First of all, his name is Anakin. Without ever picking up a skateboard, he could have had a fulfilling life trawling Star Wars conventions for hot bitches, but no, he chose to follow his nimble footed father into a skateboarding career. His less awesomely named dad Chris Senn won Gold medals in the X Games three times, which despite common opinion is actually an achievement; lending more street cred to his resume was his Thrasher Skater of the Year laminated certificate. Instead of a life of luxury skating on his pops free boards, the young Jedi became a real boy and got his own damn sponsors. Now he skates pretty great and gets to date ramp tramps, which everyone knows are better than death star dollies. 


When he isn’t making Bill Gates bank or torturing children, Tony Hawk produces super athletes in his underground facility. The Mach III version of his mini-me hybrids was released into production circa 92’; the prototype was named “Riley” because “Rolley” had already been copyrighted by Steve Rocco. It was an unprecedented success, programmed to focus more on the saleable niche of street skating, Riley soon became self aware and began skateboarding even better than its creator. But then the problems began, the Mach III starting smoking bongs and playing rock music, it even left Cyberdyne... err, Birdhouse... to join the ranks of the rebel force at Baker. Free from the constraints of human life, Riley became a destroyer of all terrain and protector of the cone.

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