The Fifteen Faces of Parenthood: Emoji Edition

They say Helen of Troy had a face that launched a thousand ships, which, I suppose, is a pretty powerful pout. But do you think she could stop a toddler in their tracks before they dipped their toothbrush in the toilet? While the lovely Helen would likely (okay, definitely) beat me in a beauty contest, I have to think the average parent would blow her out of the water with how expressive and persuasive our faces alone can be. Who needs words when you can just glare? But our most powerful attribute can also be our downfall, when our face conveys what we are thinking before we can put the proper words behind it. And nowhere is this better expressed than through the use of modern day hieroglyphics, the emoji keyboard on your handy dandy smart phone.


When your toddler cusses like a sailor and you silently vow to never, ever, under any circumstances swear again. Ever. Probably. At least today.


When your toddler gets up for the day at 5:32am, or only takes a 20 minute nap.


When your toddler keeps asking to watch a show while you’re at the park, and you attempt to convince the closest mom that’s actually what she says when she wants to do multiplication flash cards.


When you let your toddler pick out their bedtime story, and they pick out the 72 page book about life in Paris that takes 25 minutes to read, and you know they only picked it as a stalling technique, but you still read it because you are a sucker.


When you sneak in to their room at the end of the night to turn off their nightlight, and they roll over and look at you with that “I can smell your fear” face.


When… just kidding. This one is worthless.


Accidental poop finger from an over zealous diaper check attempt.


When you trick your kid into eating something healthy by disguising it as macaroni and cheese, or when you fart and successfully convince your husband it was the kid.


When your kid farts and successfully convinces your husband it was you.


When you aren’t happy, and you know it, but you clap your hands anyway so you don’t come off as the story time sing-along sourpuss.


When you leave your toddler alone for 2 minutes to pee in silence, and when you return they have taken every single piece of clothing out of their dresser. Every. Single. One.


When you change a diaper that smells EX-ACT-LY like goose poop and you think to yourself WINNING! Obviously this means you are feeding them enough vegetables, as there could be no other explanation since geese are vegetarians (or at least I think they are).


The face you make every night when you are brushing your toddler’s teeth, as if by exposing every last one of your pearly whites you will somehow force them to do it too, you know, through Jedi mind tricks.


When out of the blue, your toddler turns to you and says, “I love you SOOO much, Mommy and Daddy.”


When your toddler takes advantage of your guard being dropped from previous statement, and pokes you in both eyes with their thumbs.


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