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Wednesday, December 19, 2018

9 months

Nine months has a certain connotation, in my past life we'd all ooh and aah.

In this case. Its different. 9 months is how long its been, in this case, since the dying of my marriage began.

A long time coming. Years? Perhaps?

How does one write such a post?

Mostly, one doesn't.

Rumors and whispers and etc. take grip. Pictures disappear online. Cryptic posts abound. Change is evident. Some of it good. Some utterly and profoundly sad.

I am caught up in the rolling of those two dichotomies. The back and the forth that has left me too sick to my stomach to write much about it.

Month one. My God. No. Trying to rationalize everything away. Trying to prevent the inevitable.
Month two. Shock. Resolve. Shock. Resolve.
Months 3-4. Numb. Helpless. Angry. So so so sad. My inner bitch took charge, necessarily.
Months 5-8. Busy, too busy to feel. Everything is numb still.
Month 9. The thaw is beginning. My heart is feeling again. It is so sad and hopeful and sad and oh, the feeling of injustice. The reeling of emotions. But then another sunny sunrise strikes my heart and it all feels possible. I can do anything.

And that is where I am.

Hopeful. Forward. That paradigm shift in thinking is stretching me, uncomfortable in so many moments. Life doesn't happen to you. You make life around you come into being. The vision that you have can be had.

The future for June is now written differently. She is strong though, clutching those pearls. She has found herself again. She is laughing, truly laughing, in a way she hasn't in years. She feels free from the falsities. Aware of the complexity, aware of the tragedy, careful to never ask "but why?" and oh, so hopeful for the new future she is creating.

Baby, you haven't seen anything yet.

Merry Christmas friends. Cheers to a new day.

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