This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man is talking to his granddaughter.

They are sitting on a bench overlooking the town.

The old man says, "You see that lighthouse? I laid every brick that's there today, but they don't call me The Lighthouse Builder"

" You see that dock?", he says to the girl," I put down every post holding it up right now, even in the ha...

An Amish woman and her granddaughter are out in the field.



I was in the garden when my 5 year old granddaughter came up to me holding a water pail. She smiled real big and said, “This is for you Grandpa!” I said, “Thanks but what do you want me to do with it sweetie?”

She replied, “Dad said if you kick the bucket we’ll be rich!!”

A grandfather is walking home with his granddaughter after church. “Did God make you, PopPop?” the girl asks.

“Yep! He certainly did,” the old man answers.

“And did he make me too?” she asks next.

“Of course he did,” the old man answers again.

“Well,” she replies, “he’s certainly getting better at it.”

At my granddaughter’s wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest.

It turned out to be my husband and I. The DJ asked us, “What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?”

I said, “The three most important words in a marriage are, ‘You’re probably right.”

Everyone then looked at my husband and he said, “She’s probably right.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Granddaughter: How old are you grandpa?

Grandfather: 98 sweet child.
Granddaughter: what is your secret?
Grandfather: I sucked cock once to one Italian guy.
Granddaughter: Not that grandpa, I meant for your long life.
Grandfather: Ooooh that, a lot of green salat, fruits and good wine!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young teenage girl was making a living as a prostitute


A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita.


A joke for my granddaughter

My daughter had a baby girl yesterday and we live 1000 miles apart. I texted my daughter a first joke for the baby.

Me: Hey baby. Do you know why the chicken crossed the road?

Baby: Of course I know the answer to that old joke, Granny. Do you think I was born yesterday?

I never shower before church.

I like to sit in my own pew.

Credit to my 7 year old granddaughter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BB'S In The Cookie Dough

(This is an older joke but one of my favorites)

Three children always go to their Grandmothers house for Christmas Eve.

Every Christmas Eve their Grandmother would prepare a big bowl of cookie dough that they would all bake cookies with on Christmas morning.

Yet every Christmas ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Grandma and granddaughter

A grandma from a unnamed county was talking to her granddaughter about the insane progress made in the medicine field:

"When I was 20 years old the doctor, the head nurse, the doctor on duty, the emergency doctor, the paramedic and his asistant, the cleaning staff and even the doorman from th...

The teenage granddaughter


The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes....

Elderly Woman



This joke may contain profanity. 🤔






As my two-and-a-half-year old granddaughter and I are about to go out the door, I look down.

As I looked down, our 'big girl' had her shoes on backwards. So I said, "Good job putting your shoes on by yourself, Love, but you have them on the wrong feet."
She looks down.
She looks back up at me and says with big innocent eyes, "But Grammy, I don't have any other feet?!" ♡♡

"And this baby is our granddaughter. Her name is Degree."

"I'm sorry, did you say Deborah?"

"No, no. Degree. Our daughter left for University and came back with this. It's her Degree."

I visited my granddaughter last weekend.

I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
"This is the 21st century", she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.".

Well I can tell you this, that fly never knew what hit him.

A grandmother and granddaughter go shopping...

The grandmother is standing at the bottom of the stairs waiting impatiently for her granddaughter. When her granddaughter comes down, her shirt is low cut and see through.

The grandmother says, "you can't go out like that!"

The granddaughter replies "you can't tell me what to do, it's...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Difference in Grandparents


Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy -- just him and his granddaught...

An old fire mage asks his granddaughter to help him set up a "Face Book".

After she helps him sign up, add some friends, and pick a profile picture, he decides to write a short profile description as well.

"What would you like it to say?" says the granddaughter.

"Well, first, I am a fire mage, and I... love lemon meringue."

The granddaughter nods "mm-...

Joke from my 4 year old granddaughter... "Knock Knock"...

Me: who's there?
Her: Orange
Me: Orange Who?
Her: Orange glad I didn't say Police!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔




As luck would have it, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A long time ago, every village used to have its own scribe.

The scribes were the only people who knew how to read and write, and were enormously respected. They were considered the heads of each village, and helped out in the daily governing.

Well, the scribe of one of the villages had grown quite old, and was too tired to help every day. He got him...

Shallow sunday school

While my granddaughters Sunday School class, She was swimming in my pool. The teacher was putting up the rope to divide the shallow end from the deep end. My granddaughter said to the teacher, “Boyyy Mrs. Dennis, you sure are a good hooker.”

Grandmother gets a new doctor.



The secret to a long life


The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.

She left behind 14 children, 30 g...

Three Chinese Tortures

A man is traveling through the jungle for days. Growing tired, he passes by a house and decides to ask if they could put him up for the night.

After he knocks on the door, an old Chinese man with a beard that reached the floor answers.

The traveler asks if he could stay the night, and...

Marriage joke




This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wrong queue !

This girl was a prostitute, but her "granny" didn't know about it. One day, the police rounded up a group of pro's and the girl was caught. The cops had them lined up against a wall of the street where they were caught soliciting. Just then the grandmother walked by and saw her granddaughter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Birthday Party

A woman is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out..... caterer, band, and even a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. G...

A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor for a sperm test.

The doctor gives him a bottle to collect his sperm with. The next day he comes back with an empty bottle. He looks at the doctor and says:
"I've tried with my left hand and then with my right hand. My wife tried with both her hands. Even my daughter tried with both her hands and her mouth as wel...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dating a virgin

One day as I was walking around in the mall, I crossed paths with a cute but very thick girl with a very pretty smile. I screwed up enough courage to smile at her and say hello. Apparently that was enough for her to take interest, and even though I wasn't that into her once the initial novelty wore ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔



An elderly woman goes to the pharmacy and asks for contraceptives

The pharmacist is confused and asks why she would need them.
She replies "they help me sleep at night."
The pharmacist asks "how so?"
"When I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning I sleep better at night."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔



Grandma and her birth control pills

Grandma scheduled the first visit with the new doctor in town. The doctor's office told her to bring a list of her medications with her for the consultation. The doctor was reading the list and came upon one prescription. "Pardon me, but do you realize these are birth control pills?" asked the do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gets lost hiking in

the Chinese forest in the middle of winter. After days without food or water, fighting the cold, he sees a large house in the distance. With the last bit of his strength he treks to the house and collapses on the front step after knocking on the door. An extremely old man answers the door and helps ...

Grandma flies to a wedding...

Unfortunately the airline loses her luggage, including her dentures.
When she arrives her granddaughter's fiancé says: "Not to worry, my uncle Steve has a briefcase full of dentures"
Grandma has her doubts but sure enough Steve shows up in a nice three piece suit, and a briefcase full of den...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who is this?

An old Russian Jew, left behind decades ago when the rest of the family fled to Israel, had finally been granted permission to leave by the Soviet government. But not without a few last indignities. When he arrived at the airport, his luggage was confiscated and thoroughly searched in front of him. ...

Fairy tales

My granddaughter asked me, "Do all fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time?”

I said, no, some begin with "If elected, I promise to……………………"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I worked as Tech Support for an ISP I had a woman call outraged that we allowed "filth" on her computer...

After she calmed down slightly she explained that her 10 year old Granddaughter was sleeping over and they were having a "Spa Night" and did a web search on "Facials". . . .I was able to hit the mute button in time to avoid making matters far worse... True Story!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hot Coffee...


Gotta love those grand-kids ..


“What day is tomorrow?"


She's smart, so I asked her "What does Presi...

The New Doctor

A 85 year old lady has to go to a new doctor, and he is reviewing her file and the list of medications she is on, and finds in the long list that she is on the contraceptive pill.
"Why are you on the pill at your age?" he asks
"Well it helps me to sleep at night" she replies
The doctor is s...

Perceptions vary

Following World War II, a general and his lieutenant boarded a British train. They sat across from an attractive young lady and her grandmother. As the train departed, it entered a long tunnel. Total darkness encompassed the train for approximately thirty seconds. In the darkness of those moments, t...

A dying granny...

A dying granny was talking to her granddaughter. "I may die any minute so I want you to inherit my farm including the villa, tractor, the farmhouse and all the livestock and $22,389,630.00 cash".

"WoW!!" said the granddaughter 'Thanks granny, I didn't know you even had a farm & all this w...
