Supreme Court Power Rankings

28 Jun

Post-season rankings of the Supreme Court after one of the most crucial and contentious terms in the Court’s history.

Have you never seen a pair of amicus briefs before?

1. John Roberts
This man can charm the pants off anybody, anytime, anywhere. With a chin chiseled by angels and piercing blue eyes that are practically begging to undress you, the Chief Justice has us all wondering just what’s underneath that robe. After going rogue to uphold the ACA, it remains unclear if the Chief Justice John “Sexypants” Roberts will go forward tonight with his usual barroom pickup line of “Want to hammer my gavel?” or try out something new, like “Hey there baby. You look uninsured, but boy oh boy do I have an individual mandate for you!”

2. Ruth Bader Ginsburg
The Court’s oldest Justice goes hard in the paint. At an age when most other Americans are more concerned with driving 40 mph on the highway and shuttleboard, Ginsburg is holding up the liberal wing of the Court like it’s 1972. Right now, Ginsburg’s only concern is that her bff Kennedy isn’t so angry about today’s 5-4 decision that he calls off their annual end-of-term celebratory body shot of tequila on the Supreme Court steps.

3. Anthony Kennedy
The Court’s 5-time MVP is also it’s biggest tease, flaunting himself to both liberals and conservatives like a sorostitute five shots deep on Birthday Cake Smirnoff on a Thursday night. But just like that one Zeta you were hooking up with for like five minutes before she went to a different frat knows exactly what she wants, so too does Tony Kennedy: Liberty, free speech, Alito to stop referring to him as a “swinger,” and for somebody to please for the love of God explain the Citizens United ruling to him.

No other human on the planet has been described as “acerbic” as much as Scalia.

4. Antonin Scalia
You remember that one smarmy douchebag who was in your AP U.S. History class? Well, if he isn’t Ross Packingham, then chances are he’s just like Antonin Scalia, who also probably hasn’t been laid since Junior Prom. This may or may not be due to the Justice’s penchant for wearing a wig and tri-corner hat, grabbing his musket and quill, and pretending it’s 1787 on the weekends.

5. Sonia Sotomayor
Despite her numerous judicial strengths on the bench, Sotomayor continues to struggle with her biggest weakness: Insisting that she is a member of the Sharks, and refusing to speak to any members of the infamous Jet gang. This obsession reached a tipping point last week, when she nearly knifed Kennedy in a rumble.

6. Stephen Breyer
Still liberal. Still old. Still boring.

7. Samuel Alito
Alito suffered a major setback to his overall standings during Monday’s ruling on Arizona’s immigration law, when the Justice could not get Maroon 5’s “She Will Be Loved” out of his head, and started humming it just as Scalia delivered his dissent. Although his misstep drew sharp glances from his peers, it was a welcome reprieve from Alito’s usual favorite, Chingy’s “Right Thurr.”

Moments before going on a beer run to get more High Life for the Court.

8. Elena Kagan
Kagan’s still an untested rookie, eager to prove herself after being redshirted for much of the term due to her earlier work as Solicitor General. It doesn’t help that she bears the brunt of the Court’s hazing policies, which include having to take a shot every time the Chief Justice says the word “remanded” and carrying Ginsburg’s cancer medication for her.

9. Clarence Thomas
Thomas seems uninterested in doing much to improve his Supreme Court ranking. In fact, he seems uninterested in the Supreme Court in general.

One Response to “Supreme Court Power Rankings”

  1. John Paul June 28, 2012 at 2:49 pm #

    Well done, Sherman Ave.
    Do more of this stuff.

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