Feb 4, 2014

Juan Pab-no

So we are a halfway through this journey y'all and I gotta tell ya I wish next week was the finale.
I am bored.
There were many a time during Ben's season where I thought, 
"This is a snooze. But these women are crazy about Courtney...I love it." 

Sure, there's Clare, and we'll get to that whole situation later, but they don't even hate her enough to make it entertaining.

Yet I stick around because maybe, just maybe, Chris Harrison will have an epic meltdown about what a bag of buttholes Juan Pablo is, and bring in a cooler, friendlier, option. 
Like I don't know....anyone else.
At this point I'd watch a full season of Arie making out with whoever and whatever. 


The first one on one date is with my favorite Renee. 
The date started off like many of mine often do: 
with a man rickshawing me around a foreign land.
Juan Pablo let's us know that they're going to eat weird stuff and explore the city.
So, essentially the same thing he's done on the last 3 1:1s.
He takes her to a shop where she will be getting a custom fitted dress.
Because he wants to take care of her. 
While getting measured, he sneaks a peak at her chest size and I barfed.
Then Renee mistakes Juan Pablo getting her a fan while she sweats profusely as a nice gesture. 
But part of me feels like it was his way of saying,
"Stop sweating you nasty human. My daughter is watching." 

At dinner she debuts her dress and it is pretty presh. 
They talk a lot and she gets the rose but no kiss.
Juan Pablo is afraid that Ben will be pissed.
Renee makes this face:
and we all say, "Amen sister." 
I want her to be the Bachelorette. 
She's a gem. 

Meanwhile back at the hotel, motel, Holiday Inn the group date card arrives and Andi's name is on it. 
And she, much like Renee's son, is pissed. 

She's upset because as things progress she doesn't know where she stands.
Tale as old as time. 

The women meet Juan Pablo to do what else?
Traditional Vietnamese things!
JP tells the women that they are going to be in 
"these circular bamboo boats..." because you know Vietnam and stuff. 

He asks the women to pair off, and of course Clare is the only one without a girlfran. 
Because of that she's "stuck" with JP.

The other women start to realize how smart that move was on her part, and aren't even too irritated about it. 
They're more mad that Juan Pablo keeps spending all his time with her.

They immediately get stuck in these trees, and while Clare manically giggles, Juan Pablo attacks her with kisses. 

He's clearly into her and it's annoying to me and I don't like him.
I can only imagine what the other women think.

Clare declares (ha) that she doesn't care what the other women think about her. 
She's just doing her. 

While walking around, Juan Pablo stops this older man on the street and asks him if there's anywhere for them to eat. 

The man invites them in and puts them to work.
No questions asked.
To revisit:
They stop an old man on the street and ask him for food.
He says, "Come in."
They do.
He gets them to do farming work.
They object to nothing.
They could have entered into a life long work agreement with that man and they have NO CLUE.
I know the common saying is "don't take candy from strangers," but that should also cover random vegetables.

At one point Cassandra, the NBA dancer, is SO impressed by the whole 
community garden process that she has the great idea to bring it back to America.
(To be clear we have a community garden less than a block away from me, and I live in Philadelphia.)

During the harvest Andi has a freak out and Juan Pablo says, "Trust Me." 
Andi then let's us know that she feels "calm and at ease" just hearing him say those words.
Is that all it takes?
Because he's kinda dumb. 
And he just led you into a potentially permanent work environment. 
But what do I know?

Later in the evening, they begin their one on one time.
The first person to get picked?
What do they do? 
Go to JP's private suite and swim in his pool.
So that Clare can feel "comfortable."

After taking a swim in his cold pool, Clare says that he's definitely melting the Ice Queen.
So she's sticking to that.

I don't know how long a dip in the pool takes, but I'm assuming it's about 30 minutes.
After that awkward amount of time away, Juan Pablo and Clare make their way back to the group.

Sharkleen says she wants Juan Pablo to see her a Panda in a room full of brown bears. 
I don't even...I can't....I just can't.
She seems sad. 
So he makes out with her.

He talks to Andi.
She seems sad.
So he makes out with her.  

When it comes time for the group date rose, it is given to Clare.
Many of the women, including my homie Kelly, said they were all on a 1:1 date with them anyway. 
Andi on the other hand is pissed. She thought she had it in the bag. 

Back in the hotel, Clare tells the women she's going to sleep.
Which in Vietnamese means, going to wake up Juan Pablo to swim in the ocean.
She lets him know that she wants to experience another first with him.
Getting it on in Vietnam Swimming in the ocean.
He's game, and they run off into the night.
Part of me was hoping that their swim coincided with Shark Week, but alas it did not as they made out among the waves. 
From what we are shown it looks like they just make out, however, later in the night we really start to question if they left any room for Jesus or a sea urchin.

All this time Steven Tyler, Nikki, has been saying how excited she is for her 1:1 date.
She brags about always getting the group date rose and states that she's tired of being in the house with the other women.

When she gets to Juan Pablo the conversation flows freely and you can really tell that there is a connection.
She always looks pissed and annoyed with the situation.
I'm guessing she has great bed side manner with children. 

They find out that they're going to Hell Cave, which confused me because hometown dates aren't for a few more weeks. 
Nikki freaks out because she hates everything.
They get to the bottom and make out. 
Is it just me or is Juan Pablo the king of head and face grabbing?

Like to the point where it's gotta be uncomfortable for the women....

During dinner Nikki tells JP why she loves being a nurse and how compassionate she is even though a lot of people don't know that about her. 
Juan Pablo tells her that not everyone needs to know that about her, just him.
So that's good. 
Healthy really.

He gives her the rose, and she says that she feels like she put her finger in the light socket.
I'm assuming that's because she feels electricity between them, or she could have eaten a weird piece of fish at dinner. 
Part of me hopes they end up together.
They both suck.
It's a win/win.

At the rose ceremony. 
Things are weird as per usual.
Andi and Sharkleen make out with Juan Pablo...
He makes bad jokes in the group....
Then pulls Clare aside to talk to her.
Mind you, Clare is still riding on the waves of love after their night together. 
Little did she know she was about to be a Castaway on the Island of Slut Shaming without so much as a volleyball named Wilson.
That was a stretch but thank you for coming along on that joke journey.

Juan Pablo tells Clare, that the night in the ocean was "weird" for him and that he's too fair. 
Clare says that she doesn't want to be unfair, but she is taking this experience, like there aren't other women there, and acting like herself. 
Which kind of makes sense.
Granted she's bananas but still. 
I get it. 

Then Juan Pablo drops a bombshell. 
Who will be watching the show and wouldn't like what she saw between him and Clare in the ocean.
So Clare starts bawling. 

Rightfully so. 
The guy she thought really liked her essentially told her he went along with everything to please her but felt gross about all of it.  
Juan Pablo tells her to stop crying.
It went like this, 
"Hey, hey, don't cry. I won't tell you anything anymore....not if you cry. Hey Clare, please look at me, I think you're skanky, and my daughter is going to hate you, but listen that's ok. Shhhhhhh. Don't cry. It's your fault."
 I legit felt bad for Clare. 
She didn't steal a mermaid's voice and woo him into the ocean with her.
He went knowing full well what they were doing. 

As he made his way back to the group all of the women asked if everything was ok.
They also asked if Clare was coming back.
 His response?

Such a tool.
Yes, Clare is crazy.
Yes she has probably made a hair doll family of them together. 
Sure, she's probably actually already pregnant with his child. 
But she didn't do anything with him without his consent. 
He totally shamed her, and for nothing. 
If you don't want your daughter to see something, guess what she's four.
Don't let her watch. 
Explain it to her when she's older. 
Emily Maynard was making out with all the fly honeys and you know what, Rickie got it. 
He's gross. 
Even Chris Harrison is pretty skeeved out by JP.  

If I were Clare I'd be so embarrassed, and I'd probably leave. 

I wouldn't say "curl back into my turtle shell" like she did, but I would definitely be equally upset. 
He ended up sending my favorite, Kelly, home, along with Danielle and Allie.
Next week looks like people start realizing how dumb he is. 
They make it seem like Sharkleen has emotional issues, which I'm sure will be exciting.
Hopefully these women start dating other people while in the house, because Juan Pablo is stale. 
Stale I tell ya.


  1. Ashley, I think there is something wrong with my iPad/feedly and my comments aren't posting - or maybe you use a filter. If yes, you will have up to three comments from me! Sorry!!
    So, is the general vibe in the US that the producers made a HUGe and very disappointing mistake by making JP El Bachelorrr? Cause they did. I have never disliked a Bachelor, i'vea lways thought they handled the weird situation pretty well, I was even rooting for Ben Flajnik (I did not see Jake's season, clearly because it sounds like her was horrible). But I actively dislike JP especially after tonight. I am no crazy Clare fan but man he treated her badly tonight. Run, Renee, run!! Renee for bachelorette .

  2. Sorry about he typos... Thanks for your post. Nailed it, again!

    1. Don't worry about typos ya goof...I can barely read as it is so I definitely don't care :). Also I think the general vibe is that JP is a creep and really misogynistic. I think there are definite cultural and communication differences, but even still he's still kind of the worst. I also feel like if Chris Harrison can't find the good in you, then no one can...because he even liked Courtney.

  3. I'm really not sure why Clare wouldn't tell all the girls that they got it on. I mean, all the self-respecting and classy girls would leave! You think Sharleen, Andi, and Renee are sticking around after hearing that? That gets rid of the majority of your competition. I'm wondering if ABC has some sort of gag order on that stuff.

    Also, we get it Sharleen, you like backless dresses.

    1. It is taking everything in my power to remember who lived in Curry 503, because your comments are so spot on. Also seriously Sharkleen we get it. You have a back.

  4. Seriously, this season so boring and insincere. JP says the most ridiculous things and ABC was so off in choosing him as the Bachelor.

  5. If he says ONE MORE TIME that he just wants someone to "feel comfortable" in that icky accent, I'm gonna lose it. And Renee for Bachelorette all the way!! She's waaaayyyy too good for him.

  6. GAAAAAH JP Is such a grossy gross gross. I can't handle all the misogyny he just has all around him. I don't even like clare and I felt badly for her. He's a jerk. possibly the worst bachelor ever. I hope they all run away!

    1. I want them to all just to ask for a redo next season. He is literallllly the pits.

  7. I mean, I just can't with this dude. Don't get me wrong I think that Claire is straight up crazy town but I can't get over what a jerk he was. And let's get real here, like as if he wasn't expecting to have sex with someone (or several someones). I think what happened was that he didn't think it would happen when so many women were still here (as opposed to on the overnight dates later, when it's "love") and he thought it would make him look like a jerk. So instead he is trying to make it look like some weird scenario where he couldn't say no so she's the jerk and not him.
    Also, he just seems SO DUMB. I'm looking forward to next week when maybe someone realizes that?

  8. I think it takes a lot for me to be on Claire's side in pretty much any scenario, but here we are. JP is the one who made the mistake and didn't think things through in the moment (allegedly) and should be profusely apologetic and thoughtful that he was the one who made a mistake. However, I think he's so far up his own @$$ he doesn't even know how to be consistent with his own example of how to treat women (that he's supposed to be setting for Camila). I don't buy that he was just living a little celibate existence and all of the sudden transformed into Don Juan on this journey. He's making out left and right, and dissing ladies he just made sweet, sweet love to. Not gentlemanly behavior. He says 'no kisses' for one date and kisses a woman and then is flat out making out with all of them the entire episode in basically any scenario, and not in a PG-peck form. Also noteworthy, Camila is 4 and by the time she's old enough to watch she will be so grossed out because, uh, it's your dad. I should really organize this into outline form.

    It also bothers me that he's prettttty dismissive of Renee. She is age appropriate and has a kid and yet here he is chasing these PYTs, including Cassandra, the child-mother. Nothing against her but she is mostly child EXCEPT that she's a mother. You don't need to be Patti Stanger to see he's not taking this that seriously if he's not going after a match that has staying power (the #1 thing this show is known for).
    In summation, I agree with the slut shaming. It's really unfair to Claire and he's a d-bag, probably always was and was good at hiding it. Get it together JP, and maybe we'll survive this season as casual acquaintances because we can't be friends now.

    1. Preach it sister. Preach. It.

    2. Yes! Friendship is over for me too. He is just too gross. I feel robbed!
      We wait months for the new season and ugh. Just ugh.

  9. You are seriously HILARIOUS. I haven't even been watching this season regularly, but I still read your posts religiously;) Keep up the good work!!!

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