Welcome to Snarkfest


Sunday, December 30, 2012

Getting back my mojo

After posting yesterday's blog, I actually, almost, for a teeny tiny moment began to feel like I was almost sorta getting motivated to start blogging again. Not one to lose the momentum, I banged out a post for The Epistolarians, which I promise I will link to once it's up on the site. I was feeling so good at that point! I checked my email (because I seem to live on the internets) and found a request from Courtney over at Chewylicious asking for guest blog posts. Feeling like this could only help in my sluggishness, I emailed her back that I'd love to guest post for her. She's such a sweetheart and she's dealing with the same sluggishness this holiday season as I am, so I typed out my third blog post in as many hours. You can read my guest post on Courtney's Chewylicious site here. Then stick around to check out her site, she blogs about photography, crocheting, food and life in general.

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Lazy slugs unite!!

I've been such a freaking SLUG lately!! No offense to slugs but DAYUM I don't feel like doing a friggin' thing. Seriously. I believe that in the past week I've put on about 79 lbs. No lie. Eat, drink, be merry, repeat. That's been my mantra. Have I run even one time? No sir I have not. I worked exactly one and one half days  this past week. When I wasn't working I was either eating or sleeping. Or farting around on FB. Truly. Santa must've taken all my willpower and all my motivation with him when he dropped off our gifts.

Dear Barbara I'm lazy! Lucky for me I already own a gym membership, so I won't be buying one to begin a New Year's resolution. I WILL, however, be heading to the gym with all the other resolutioners who got fat during the past week (year) like me.  Starting Wednesday. I mean really, Sunday I could start running but I'd undo any good when I eat, drink, be merry and repeat on Monday. And besides, my gym is closed on Tuesday. And we've finally had snow here so the canal will be snowy and muddy and way too dangerous to go for a run on, what with all the leaves and the roots and the snow and mud. 

So yes, I am the epitome of lazy ass. But on the plus side (?) I've been spending oodles of quality time with my kids. It's been awesome (?). We've watched TV like nobody's business! And eat! Oh my goodness we've been eating like champions!! We could take gold at the Olympics if eating and watching TV were actual events. We'd be the United States Lazy Ass Eating and Watching TV Team!! USA! USA!

I can honestly say I'm really looking forward to Wednesday when the girls go back to school and I go back to a normal routine. Gym, work, run around picking up girls from practices, dinner, FB, sleep, repeat.  There really is something to be said for routine. It's so....routine, but yet so awesome. Everyone is where they're supposed to be, everyone is relatively productive and I'm not in the house all day surrounded by cookies, pies, cakes and other delightful, delicious temptations that just keep jumping into my mouth! It's crazy! Come on, I can't be the only person in the world who has sugar cookies hurl themselves into my mouth every time I walk by them, can I?? 

I am? 


Dear Santa, 
Please bring my willpower, my motivation and my size 8 body back soon.

Monday, December 24, 2012

Merry Christmas!

To all the Snarkfesters out there, I hope you have a wonderful Christmas. Thanks for reading. 

Merry Christmas!

My Favorite Things!!!

So the lovely, warm and wonderful Jenn over at Jenn's Blogspot ran a contest where the winner received a bunch of Jenn's favorite things. Lucky for me, I won AND her favorite things are also MY favorite things too!! So without further ado, I present to you my booty (not THAT booty, get your snarky minds out of the gutter), the loot that I won in this awesome contest. 13 can be seen helping me open my gifts (while 15 was in the shower for an hour and change).

The goods, before we dug in!
13 helping. She loves to help. 
13 wondering what she'll be able to use.
MMMMMMMM coffee!!
Holiday wine charms!!!
MMMMMMM again!!! LOVE me some chocolate!!!
A coffee mug personalized with Jenn's beautiful face!
Mug from the back. Smoochies to you, Jenn!
Jenn's favorite things, and what a coincidence, they're all my favorite things too!
So in the spirit of Christmas, I raise my beautiful wine glass from A Beaded Whim, and fill it with a nice Shiraz, and I toast to you, Jenn and to your generosity. And I toast to you, my snarky friends, I hope you have a wonderful holiday season!

Thanks Jenn, you rock!!

Thursday, December 20, 2012

My Snarky Wish List

So the lovely and talented Joules from Pocketful of Joules kindly tagged me in the writing prompt that's going around called My Christmas Wish List. But since I've never been one for hearts and flowers and flying unicorns riding rainbows and shitting glitter, I'm putting my own twist on the whole thing. Hopefully she'll still be talking to me after she reads it.

If I could wish for 5 things for Christmas, you know they'd be for things you KNOW you want but would never ask for. So in no particular order here they are.

WISH #1 For the love of all that is holy, I'm BEGGING for this weekend to be extended by about 5 days. I want Sunday to be a 120 hour day. That's all I'll really need to get my shit together before Christmas Day. For those of you who normally received cards from me? Yeah, those would be sitting on my morning room table. The envelopes are all written out. No return address labels. No stamps. No pretty cards, personalized to you. Nope, just got as far as the envelopes.  So Merry Christmas, you'll get your cards about 362 days early for NEXT Christmas. You're welcome.

WISH #2 I am going to bed tonight with the hopes that when I wake up tomorrow, wonderful, kind and thoughtful burglars will have entered my house and instead of STEALING things, they declutter my house, silently vacuum my filthy carpets, mop my horrendous floors, dust off all of my furniture, baseboards, countertops and shelves (without sneezing, good luck with that). I'm sure it's an odd request but it's more interesting that wishing for a maid. Plus I can't afford a maid so if they're burglars, and they actually DO clean my house, they'll deserve whatever it is that they end up stealing.

WISH #3 I am going to bed tonight with the hopes that when I wake up tomorrow, my entire family will have learned how to do an actual load of laundry from start to finish. I know, I know, it's crazy. It's totally unrealistic to think that a grown man and two teenage daughters would be able to understand the concept of wash...dry....fold....put away. The wash and dry part, we're golden with that. But those last two steps? Nope, we got nothing. Blank stare. Drool. Fold? What is this fold of which you speak? Put away? You mean, like, NOT on our floor?? You mean, NOT piled on the guest bed? YES family, that's EXACTLY what I mean. Away!! Into those big rectangular things we have that you pull out and put stuff in and push back in. Those are called DRAWERS and while it's a LOVELY idea to store all your school shit and unmatched socks in there, that's actually NOT what they're there for. So let's work on that, shall we?

WISH #4 Is it too much to ask that delicious food magically become healthy and healthy food become fattening? You may ask "Teri, have you been drinking??" No, I say! I want freshly baked chocolate chip cookies to be high in Vitamin C, D, B12 and niacin (whatever the hell that is) and for lima beans to put weight on your ass and thighs!!! Why can't chocolate cake have more good stuff other than antioxidants?? Why can't chocolate cake be GOOD for you and NOT make your ass bigger?? Why must celery, broccoli and artichokes be the healthy choice??? Can't I just, for like, a month, eat anything I want, no matter how high in calories, fat, cholesterol, etc and NOT worry about the goddamn scale?? Seriously, it's not like I'm asking for a new Lexus in the damn driveway on Christmas morning!! I just want to be able to eat what I want. Hey, it's my wish, dammit.

WISH #5 Here's the serious portion of the blog, so if you've gotten a good laugh, I'm happy, and here's the sappy portion. Deal with it. I know that you have to take the good with the bad, and if nothing bad ever happened, we couldn't ever really appreciate the good. But seriously? Does the bad always have to be so fucking BAD?? Really??? Cancer? Children losing their parents? School shootings?? Parents losing their babies?? Why can't the worst bad things be, like, flat tires when you're running late? Why can't bad be stopping up the toilet in the morning? Why does bad have to be DEVASTATING?? So just for one year, for 2013, I wish for good. I wish for a year full of happy. No pain, no killing of babies, no cancer, no sadness. I PROMISE I'll appreciate the good, I'll thrill at the positive. I will love what I have been given and not long for more. I will cherish and hold dear those close to me. Hell, I'll even give up being snarky if it means a year without pain and suffering for others.

What's your wish? Now, I've been informed that this is pretty much a chain thing so I have to tap 5 other bloggers. Those bloggers are in NO WAY obligated to carry this through. Christ, it's December 20, who the hell has TIME for this stuff? But I'll do my part, just in case my wishes, any of them, could come true if I pass this on. So tag, you're it:

Evil Joy - UPDATE: Read Joy's here
Somewhat Sane Mom
My Mom's a Whackjob  - UPDATE: Read Joules' here
You're My Favorite Today  - UPDATE: Read Michelle's here
Paige Kellerman - There's More Where That Came From
                                             UPDATE: Read Paige's here

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Cancer. It Sucks. A Lot.

I absolutely hate cancer. Okay, okay, I know nobody really likes it. But seriously, cancer is a fucking bitch. Cancer is sneaky. It sneaks in and takes. It takes and takes. Cancer does not discriminate. Cancer takes young and cancer takes old. Cancer takes black, white, red, green, purple and yellow. Cancer takes friends and neighbors without even saying 'sorry'. You can fight cancer and some people, some amazing and wonderfully lucky people, beat that bitch. I worked with a lady in Atlantic City named Annie who successfully beat breast cancer twice. I also lost a close friend to cancer after she won the battle twice. She even told me, she wasn't feeling so lucky the third time around. And she was right. Cancer took her. Cancer left her daughters without a mother and her husband alone to raise those girls on his own.

We are lucky enough to have an amazing man in our lives, 12's Godfather Bill, who was lucky enough to receive a heart transplant some years ago. We have been lucky enough to know this man, and even luckier that we've been given an extension of our time with him. Yet, cancer decided that it would step in and fuck things up. He's been diagnosed with a malignant mass in his intestine. His heart is definitely strong enough to withstand the surgery to remove it, but sadly, his lungs are not. So he gets to play on the chemo-go-round. Lucky him. My best friend from grade school and high school just went through this awful bitch with her husband, whom I love dearly, who always makes me laugh. And he beat it but not without a price. He suffered from neuropathy due to excessive radiation. So he didn't get off scott-free. My friend Lisa has a brother who is currently going through chemo and we're hoping for the best for him. Too many lives touched.

I've had best friends lose loved ones to cancer, I've worked with countless fantastic people in Atlantic City who were taken from us by cancer. I've made some unbelievably wonderful friendships online and suffered with them as they lost their loved ones to this awful disease. And now there is a neighbor who has been hit with this fucking sickness. The father to one of my daughter's best friends, the husband of one of my own dear friends, and it has hit like a Mack truck. He's not 'lucky' enough to ride the chemo-go-round, the disease is too far gone. So now he is at home with his family around him, and they wait for this bitch to take him from them. And I am angry. I'm so angry I could scream. And saddened at this loss. He is funny, very funny, a very quick wit, and I always enjoyed our conversations. And his big black dog Riley will miss him. And that's not fair. Cancer's not fair.

So this blog is for you Howard. I dedicate this blog to you, with the hope that your passing will not be painful to you, but knowing that it will be very painful to all who know you. And I also dedicate it to Monica, who was in my wedding, and I in hers. And to Peggy. And to Jim and Annie who overcame it. And to Bill who is fighting it to the finish. I love you, I love all of you. And I hate cancer.

Please feel free to tell me who YOU'D dedicate this to. Who have you lost? And what would you tell them, if you had one more chance?

UPDATED: My friend and neighbor Howard passed away this afternoon. He will be sadly missed by all who knew him. 

Sunday, December 9, 2012

She Corked My C**k

Did you ever have one of those evenings where absolutely everything that comes out of someone's mouth is absolutely the perfect opportunity to release your inner snark? Tonight was one of those nights. I had dinner with some old friends and some new friends. After dinner, we headed back to my neighbor's house to play cards. Some of us drank whiskey sours, some of us drank wine, and we corked a cock.

Let me explain. My neighbor Lynn went into town to do some shopping before we met for dinner. She found this lovely metal chicken which, she explained, was to hold corks from wine bottles. My neighbor drinks exactly one whiskey sour per month. Girlfriend doesn't even drink wine, yet she felt compelled to buy this chicken so that in case she ever DOES open a bottle of wine, she'll have someplace to store all the corks. But she's my friend and I love her so I'm totally behind whatever decisions she makes, no matter how senseless they are.

But as luck would have it, one of the ladies at the table did drink some white wine and therefore there was a cork, and guess where that cork went! If you guessed 'In the Cock' you'd be right!! That's right, Lynn's cock was corked. And it was beautiful. What was even more perfect was when Lynn said 'she put her cork in my chicken' which begged the response 'she corked your cock??'

I had no idea just how close to perfect that statement was. You see, upon closer examination of said chicken, you can see something deliciously ironic. Here is the chicken from the front. Looks like a chicken, right?

Cork holdin' cock. See, there's already one in his tummy.
However, when I first saw the funky fowl, I was looking at him from behind. This was what I saw when I first saw the cork holder:
Look closely at the chicken's head. No really, look closer.

Are you seeing it? When I pointed it out to the other ladies, I was so pleased that they didn't look at me like I had 352 heads (that's the look I get when I tell my kids that they have to clean up their mess). I was thrilled that they saw exactly what I was seeing. A cock that holds corks. You simply stick the cork in the cock's butt.

As if this wasn't enough to make us all giggle like middle school kids, if you look at the counter up there in the first picture, you'll see a duck wearing a santa hat. This duck belongs to a set of three. Sadly, one of the duck's heads is broken off. When I asked Lynn how it happened, she said she accidentally grabbed him by the neck and it broke. My immediate response was that she 'choked her chicken'. I'm guessing it's a good thing our middle school aged children weren't there, or they'd have rolled their eyes so hard a chicken would probably die somewhere.

Good times and lots of Snark on a Saturday night. Jealous?

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Shopping with the Snarkfest Family

I took my friend Sio shopping last night. Sadly, we were also joined by 15 & 13 who, as you well know, have NO nice clothes to wear. Poor things. What kind of a mother am I that I consciously send my kids to school in sackcloth and ash? Burlap bags on their feet, dirty faces. They look like something out of Les Miserables, no? Poor pumpkins.
OMG I can't believe we have, like, no nice clothes to wear!
As usual, I digress. So we headed over to Kohls where all the cool kids go for clothes. Specifically, Sio and I were looking for dresses to wear to the local Rotary Ball tomorrow night. Yes, Cinderella, it's a ball. My first ball, and I needed something pretty to wear, just in case Prince Charming is there and wants to sweep me off my size 8 wides and take me to his palace on the beach of Maui. Oh, did I digress again? Sorry. We dropped 15 & 13 off in Juniors and headed over to find dresses for ourselves. Unsuccessfully. I DID, however, find some Spanx. Spanx rocks, my friend. ROCKS out LOUD!! If you haven't already done so, please go check out Frugalista's video tutorial on Spanx (after you finish reading this, of course). It's hysterical and she is AWESOME.

Dammit there's that digressing thing again! Focus, Snarkfest, focus!!

So I got my Spanks and a cute little shrug to wear over my go-to little black dress, and Sio got a lovely dress shirt for her hubby (at least HE'LL have something to wear to the ball) and we went on a store-wide quest to find my teens. They were right where we left them, in Juniors, still trying to decide, an hour later, on what they wanted to get. Each girl has to dress up on game days for their respective basketball games. They were given specific instructions. One outfit. ONE. Said outfit could be one top and one bottom, or one dress. Period. The end. 13 found a really cute cream colored dress, which coincidentally, is too short for her school standards because she is her father's daughter. She's 5'5" I think, which to me is tall. So of course she'll need tights. Or something. And 15 found a pretty top and a rubber band which she'll pretend is a skirt. It's like homecoming shopping all over again. That girl is 5'9" in flat shoes. Which, by the way, she is lacking. Shoes that is. Poor thing has no shoes that she could POSSIBLY wear with this top and rubber band pretend skirt. At that point, we schlepped over to the shoe section of Kohls and went on a 'Quest for cute shoes in a size 11'. 15's feet are smaller than 13's feet, so we can at least attempt to find shoes at Kohls that could fit 15. Sad to say, 13's feet are a women's 12. She's my little baby Sasquatch (a nickname she loves OH SO MUCH hates with a passion) and I believe I have to travel far and wide across the lands to find shoes that fit her. DSW and Nordstrom Rack have both been suggested to me. But sadly, there are no DSW's or Nordstrom Racks anywhere close by.  Sad face.

Stay with me here, I'm almost finished!

While we didn't even bother to look for size 12's for 13, she did try on this lovely red hat and managed to look absolutely adorable in the process:
13: "I'm so, like, rocking this hat! Wait, is it on backwards?"

And while we WERE in the shoe section, just for shits and giggles, 15 tried on a pair of high heeled boots which made her appear approximately 9 and a half feet tall. Especially when standing next to both Sio and myself, who are both under 5'2". I now present to you, my 15 year old daughter in her basketball practice shorts, cross country hoodie and a rocking pair of  heeled sexy black boots:

Think coach'll let me play in these?
After walking away from her and giving her the 'We're leaving in 2 minutes with or without you' speech, she headed back to the gigantic box from which the gigantic heels came and I pointed out the one other pair of shoes I saw in her size. Cute, flat brown boots. Poor 13. I fear that child will be wearing mens sneakers for the rest of her life. She'll be walking down the aisle in a pair of Reebok cross trainers. White, of course.

Anyway, after puttering around Kohls for far too long, we meandered up to the registers and, being the high maintenance shopper that I am, had to give the cashier a hard time. As the victim of repeated attempts at identity theft, I now have passwords on all of my credit cards. So when I go to Kohls, every single time I try to use my charge card, they have to call customer service and I have to get on the phone and give them my password in order for the sale to go through. Pain in the ass? You betcha. So we are at the cashier desk for a minimum of 15 minutes. By this time, I'm thinking Sio is mentally putting her house on the market and moving far away from me and my needy, crazy offspring. And I can't say that I blame her.

What started out as two friends going shopping for dresses turned into a scavenger hunt from hell. Sorry Sio. Maybe we'll try it again when my kids have graduated?

Monday, December 3, 2012

Ungrateful 15

Let me tell you a little story about my oldest child. I love her like no one I've ever loved with the exception of her sister. I am more proud of her than you can ever begin to imagine. She is the light of my life, the cream in my coffee, the jelly to my peanut butter. But tonight, I was ready to put her up for sale to the highest bidder. Look up ungrateful in the dictionary, you will find 15's picture.

Let me elaborate. It all started this morning at 6:05 when I woke her ass up the first time. Then continued at 6:10, 6:15 and 6:20 when I went back up to get her up again (and again and again). She finally dragged her ass into the shower at 6:35. Naturally, at 7:00 when the bus came (and went) she wasn't on it.  And naturally, being the idiot sucker kindhearted mom that I am, I drove her (again). Ask me how many times she    missed the bus last week. Go ahead, ask.

Fast forward to this evening. At 7:00 I arrived at her high school to pick her up from basketball practice and headed to the middle school to her sister's basketball game. IMMEDIATELY upon entering the car, she informs me that they have to dress up for tomorrow's basketball game in Virginia, and that she has NO nice dressy clothes to wear, so would I PLEASE take her to Kohls and buy her some nice new dressy clothes. Yes, she's asking me to blow off her sister's basketball game to take her to buy new clothes because the poor thing has no nice things to wear. "She'll have like, 14000 other games, it's okay if you miss this one." The answer was no. I'm not taking her to buy her anything new when I know for a fact that she's got tons of nice clothes in her room. They're just buried under all the shit that's on her floor. Oh yeah, and did I mention she missed the bus AGAIN?? Yeah, maybe had she MADE the bus this morning I'd be a little more willing to drive her to Kohls and buy her pretty things But dammit, she didn't and she just thinks it's my obligation to do as she wishes. I know damn well she's got nice dressy black pants in that mess she calls a room. She also has several pretty sweaters and blouses and camis she can wear with them. But no, because she can't find them, she doesn't have them so I MUST take her shopping.

Then, while we're sitting at her sister's game, the husband asked me what my plan is for tomorrow. I explained that I'll pick 13 up from practice and then head to the band booster meeting at the high school. 15 perks up and says "You're not coming to MY game??? You can't miss 13's game but you can miss MY game???" Well, let me just calmly explain that I'll be attending the first band booster meeting I've been able to attend in 3 months. Ask me why I've missed the last 3 months. Well, I'll tell you. Because I was busy working in the concession stand at high school JV football games and soccer games. Now, let me clarify something for those who think, 'wow, what an awful mom, she can miss the older daughter's games but not the younger??' I am a member of the band boosters organization for the high school marching band, an organization to which 15 belongs. And when I miss a band booster meeting because I'm working concessions, it's because every time I work in the concession stand, I earn money for 15's band account, which means she gets to go on trips and events and it doesn't cost much money out of pocket. So I'm not just blowing off her game, as I believe she thinks, but I'm trying to catch up on what I've missed over the past 3 months.

Since we arrived home from 13's game I have been confronted with nothing but attitude, nastiness and disrespect. I left to run to the grocery store and when I came back, I did receive an apology, which I accepted, but I did NOT forgive. And now she is uploading stuff onto her iPod for the bus trip to her game tomorrow and is out of money on her iTunes, so she's asking if she can use the money on my account and pay me back (in quarters). Really???

Why is it that she is only nice and kind to me when she wants something from me? Why does she think that I am here for her to walk on and treat like shit? I have become a doormat for my 15 year old daughter. And apparently, I've allowed it to happen. Well, no more.

How do you handle disrespectful offspring? How many of my fellow moms or dads have allowed themselves to become doormats? What does YOUR doormat say? Mine must say "Tread on me".