Coca-cola should make a Coca-cola flavored candy cane and call it a Coke Cane.

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Kanye West compared his relationship with Kim Kardashian to Romeo and Juliet. So we won’t have to deal with them too much longer, you guys.


I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.


In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.


The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.


[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park


Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination


Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.


*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*

Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate


Everybody thinks they want to sleep with an older women until we ask you to sit up straight and keep your elbows off the table.