Machete Kills

Half-Assed Reviews Presents:


Machete Kills

Machete kills is the second part of the epic three part biopic of Danny Trejo’s life.  Danny Trejo is Machete, a man who can only express love through murder, and let me tell you, he’s got a whole lot of love.


It’s not good.  Don’t go see it.  C-/10.

BUT WAIT: If you can get it for free by either netflix or *cough cough* other means, it’s totally worth watching, but I wouldn’t recommend spending your money on it.  You worked for your money man.  Show yourself some respect, like by purchasing the new Triple Steak Stack from Taco Bell.  Triple Steak: Triple Flavor.

Taco Bell, Live Mas.

Live Mas


Machete kills suffers because, honestly, it’s a great idea for a movie trailer, but that’s all it is: a movie trailer stretched out to 107 goddamn minutes.

Go ahead and watch that 50 times.  It’s just like watching the actual film.



Machete kills starts off with Machete in the desert or something.  Oh wait, he and Jessica Alba are on a mission, and then some masked dude who totally isn’t mel gibson shoots jessica alba with a laser gun.

Machete gets kidnapped by some white people who try to hang him, but it’s impossible to hang Danny Trejo, so he lives long enough to get called by The President who tells who to go kill some terrorist in mexico who has a missile that’s pointed straight at washington.

Machete goes to a whore house run by BIG MACHINE GUN BOOBS


Big machine gun boobs tries to kill him for like no reason, and so machete dips out with her daughter, who is the terrorist’s paramour.  They meet up with the terrorist, who kills the daughter and is like LOL cause he has a split personality, half crazy, half not crazy.  Unfortunately, this whole movie is fucking crazy, so you can’t really tell when the terrorist is crazy or normal.

Meanwhile we’re introduced to the Chameleon, who is an assassin, and goes after Machete.  He at first is the guy from Justified, but then turns into the second worst career decision Cuba Gooding Jr. ever made.


At least it isn’t Snow Dogs…

Oh god...

Oh god…

So yeah, Machete learns that the terrorist has a bomb on his heart and if he dies then the missile will fire, so Machete has to bring him across the border to Mel Gibson, who we have totally yet to meet and who can  defuse the bomb.

Big machine gun boobs, the chameleon, and literally everyone else in mexico chases Machete, but Machete beats them all and they get across the border.  Then mel gibson shows up and kills the terrorist an kidnaps machete.

We learn that mel gibson was hanging out in space and then something weird happened and he can predict the future.  He wants to blow up the world and rebuild it, cause that’s a good idea.

Oh, and the Chameleon is Lady GaGa now.



Oh, wait, I mean at this point the Chameleon has turned into Antonio Banderas

Machete Kills trailer 7

I swear I’m not making any of this up.

Anyway, Mel Gibson wants Machete to clone him, but Machete don’t clone, and so he escapes and meets up with TOUGH EYEPATCH GIRL, and they gather all the mexicans and attack Mel Gibson.

Tough Girl

Tough Girl

Mel gibson kidnaps Tough Girl and flies up into space, thusly setting up the movie MACHETE KILLS, IN SPACE.

Honestly, I’m not making any of this up.

ANALYSIS: Machete kills is all about the immigration problem in the united states, specifically how Mexican Immigrants are taking the jobs that other Americans see as rightfully theirs.  Mel Gibson represents american industry, which is defeated by Machete’s ragtag band of Mexican immigrants.  The president even outsources killing a mexican terrorist to a Mexican, thus showing our government’s inability to tackle the problem

Tune in tomorrow kids for: THOR, THE DARK PLACE



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