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Why Going To Bed Angry Really Ruins Relationships

Have you ever heard the saying, “Never Go To Bed Angry?”

Well, that old saying actually has some merit.

Whilst going to bed angry might seem like no big deal, and you think logically you can sleep it off, and wake up fresh but if you do it often enough over time it can cause your relationship to crumble.

Going to bed angry is a toxic pattern that causes long term damage.

Research from Beijing Normal University has found that when you go to bed angry, your brain puts that experience into your long-term memory zones while you are sleeping.  This causes the fight to hold a lasting impression, and intensifies the anger.

This has a negative consequence on the relationship because you start to associate bed time with anger where in reality is it a place where you should be getting, and connecting with your partner.

If you go to bed angry on a regular basis it will eventually turn into resentment, and destroy your loving connection.

Going to bed angry divides you as a couple.

Anger is toxic in a relationship, the arguments start getting more regular, you speak to each other less and you may end up sleeping in different rooms. You may also find that you speak to your partner less, and reach out to other people more. The continual cycle of anger can create a feeling of hopelessness in your relationship, and you may want to give up, and withdraw.

Eventually your partner is the last person you turn to when they should be the first.

Going To Bed Angry Is Bad For Your Health.

Anger impedes a good night sleep, you may struggle to fall asleep and instead of waking up feeling refreshed you wake up exhausted and distant from your partner.  It’s harder to get into the day when you carry the hard feelings of the night before. Negative emotions release stress hormones adrenaline, and cortisol causing you to be snappier through the day at loved ones, work colleagues and impact your immunity.  

Going To Bed Angry Kills Sexual Intimacy.

Going to bed angry kills the mood. Anger is a huge turn off. If you do this repeatedly it creates, and unhealthy pattern, and destroys potential opportunities for sexual intimacy. If your relationship has periods of conflict, and angry silence chances are you’re not happy being intimate with your partner. To be intimate you with your partner you need to relax, and trust your partner, feel good about being together as intimacy is a time of vulnerability.

Going To Bed Angry Shows You Value Winning And Argument Over Your Partner.

Anger causes people to lash out, avoid taking responsibility of their emotions, and can lead to criticism. If you go to bed angry this is telling your partner that they are less important to you than winning the argument.

This causes unhappiness to build and cause more ill feelings overtime. Your partner will eventually disconnect and there is a risk that someone else could make them feel good and the could get pushed into the arms of another.

The good news is that if you want to break the pattern of going to bed angry, and build more intimacy, and a closer connection with your partner you can!

The best way to do this is to always try to resolve the anger before bed by letting your partner talk, listen to them wholeheartedly, acknowledge what they are saying, and spend time with them.

Always take a few deep breaths before you speak, cool down, and watch your words.

Counteract the anger with telling your partner what you love, and appreciate about them. Always try to end the day on a good note, and a sweet kiss good night.

A spoonful of honey will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar –  Benjamin Franklin


About the author

I’m Samantha Jayne, Relationship Expert for Channel 10’s The Bachelor. I’m a trained certified coach, NLP Practitioner, and Hypnotherapist. I’ve been helping singles find love, and couples strengthen their relationship since 2005.



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