Stay Positive

So, lately I’ve been having a rough time both physically with the Cystic Fibrosis, and also a little bit mentally.

Physically, I’ve been having a rough time with the allergy season, It has sapped my energy, and made my face itchy, watery, and red…lol…it sucks…

Mentally, I’m having a bit of trouble, I’m alone a lot and I’m struggling to figure out what to do with my downtime, especially when I don’t have energy to do shit…

Making yourself do things when you don’t feel good is one thing, but when you feel extra shitty, its damn near impossible, and when moving is taxing it takes it to a whole new level.

I see and hear about what people are doing and it bums me out…I try my hardest to stay positive, which is very hard to do, and 5 years ago I would’ve had a serious breakdown by now, probably gone on a bender and paid for it for several months afterwards. Now, I have gotten my shit together since then, but mentally it is never going to be easy to go through life with CF.

I am always going to have to be strong mentally, not being rock solid will lead to my demise, and not metaphorically, but literally…it definitely takes a toll on you knowing things will NEVER get easier, in fact they’ll only get harder.

It is a mind f#ck and then some…but, I am strong, and I will stay positive, and I will make it…

I have made the resolve of my inner strength being solid, I have an iron will, and it cant be broken. Maybe temporarily damaged, but nothing will ever break me totally again, ever. To tell the truth knowing that is the only thing that keeps me going…is that I wont break, life will have to get rid of me to break me, and even then I hope to leave behind a legacy that outlasts my time here physically.

With that I’m gonna go listen to some rap, and get in the mood to dominate when I wake up tomorrow!! Do what you gotta do…


Been Gone…

I haven’t made a post in a few days, been having a rough time CF stuff. But, I did want to make a post and throw it up…

I have noticed something lately that I don’t really know how to approach but ill try.

So, I don’t have nearly as many friends as I used to, I have acquaintances, and I have a few close friends. However, it is very hard to keep friends when you constantly have to disappear for several days at a time to tend to your health and physical ailments.

I have slowly lost fiends over the years for many different reasons some of which were my choice, some weren’t, some were ridiculous reasons, but then there’s those people who juts kind of fade away not for any particular reason. Those I think are the hardest to come to terms with. I was going through my phone the other day trying to clear out some old unused contacts and I noticed I was deleting a lot of “old friends” numbers…

It is something we all come to terms with when we start getting older people drift apart…its unavoidable. But, that doesn’t mean it makes it any easier to do or even accept.

Anyways, just wanted to throw it out there, if you have an old friend and you haven’t talked to them in a while, reach out. It is something we all need to do more of. We allow social media to kind of fill in that spot but really how many close fiends do you still have that you have had since say college? Its drastic how many people are out of my life that I never thought would be.

Getting Pumped Up!

So, I just grabbed a quick pick me up shower, since I’ve been tensed up all day watching these basketball games!

My bracket has held up for the most part, however I am a very impatient person as ive mentioned previously, so I always pause live TV and let it run 1.5 hours ahead so I can fast forward through commercials, in this case I can fast forward through commercials but also half-time, and media timeouts…if you’re not watching Duke is playing right now against South Carolina, and I’ve got Duke taking it so I am about to un-pause live TV and watch the second half…lol.

Anyways, like I said I paused live TV so I have to avoid social media for the next 30+ minutes until this games has played out…in my time.  Being stoked as I am I’ve been yelling at the TV and jumping up and down all day so I needed a hot shower to relax my muscles…

But, the time has come I am gonna go (hopefully) watch Duke finish this out and move on to the next round…hopefully everyone had a great weekend full of great NCAA Basketball!

Thanks for reading! Have a good week!

Feeling better!

So, if you’re following any of my posts you know I had a small breakdown just a day ago…well, like I said in that post they don’t last too long  and I already feel a good bit better.

But, it did a number on me that day, and night…so much so that I had to dip into my reserve of anxiety meds which I don’t like to take a lot for that particular reason, when I need them I NEED them to work…lol. and the less you take them the better they work when you need them.

With something like Cystic Fibrosis this kind of thing is unavoidable, it happens incrementally thought the week, you have ups and downs, but some days are literally just hell on earth type days, that one was falling into that category for sure!

Anyways, I handled it as best I could, and shared it with y’all to show you how easily it is to go from “good” to “bad” with something like CF and not in a physical way (well yes physically) but that time more so mentally…So, I took my meds, meditated, then hooked up to some video games to blow some steam off…it worked, by the time late night/early morning rolled around I was able to sleep a bit, and today am doing much better!

So, with that I am going to go watch some basketball, as Northwestern made history today making it into and then winning their first NCAA tournament, something 78 years in the making. But, that and a couple of other games totally screwed my bracket up…oh well, that’s “March Madness” for you…lol.

Hopefully everyone has a good rest of the week, and if you’re watching these games have as much fun as I do getting into them!




The Plunge…this sucks!

Well, I’ve kind of been waiting for this to happen for a few days since I’ve been naturally feeling not terrible, and have been enjoying watching some really good basketball games…I’ve been elated, enjoying the natural high of life. But…waiting for the other shoe to drop.

It just hit me like a ton of bricks, as I am sitting here watching some game recaps, I feel that nasty pit of the stomach feeling start to churn, it is angst, dread, fear, loneliness, just discomfort on a deep psychological level. The other side of the effect of waiting for the other shoe to drop type feeling, well it has dropped. And it is ripping my stomach apart as I try to control it.

I literally just made a post probably less than an hour ago, and I wasn’t in this mood. I know all people experience this kind of thing, just maybe not in this amplified of an impact. Having Cystic Fibrosis I am used to dealing with discomfort both physically and mentally, and I have a pretty well developed sense of how it is impacting me and how I can keep it in check. Having said that, I also have NO control sometimes, and this is one of those times.

I am sitting here at 12:30 am, I’m alone, and uncomfortable…in a terrible way. These are the times I anticipate with fear, almost more than anything else. The feeling of dread fills my mind, and my stomach in trying to rip its way out of my body to find an escape.

I usually wouldn’t share this type of stuff, I wasn’t raised to complain, but I’m trying to be as real as possible and make this site/blog raw, real, and not sugar coated…I was raised well, and raised with the idea that you don’t complain unless you need to, “don’t cry wolf” I guess would be the best way to describe my discipline in this area. There are times I need help, physically, and even mentally…but, if I always say how crappy I feel I would be complaining almost constantly and more so when it gets bad, but this is one of those times. So,where I usually just suffer in silence as to not create stress and tension among the ones I love, I am using this as my outlet. Trying to share my pain in an attempt to understand it better myself, but also to show how much of an impact something like CF has one people aside from the physical affects.

Obviously, this will subside at some point…but I don’t know when. So, until then I will try to distract myself with meditation, video games, TV, anything to take my mind off of this for just enough time for it to fall to the back burner in my already scrambled brain. As I said I don’t usually share this stuff because it Is my shit to deal with, I am trying to be more open, and hopefully shed some light on what impact an invisible illness has on the person, like I said, aside from the physical impact.

So, with that I am off to distract myself, I apologize if this post seems to just be a long winded complaint. That wasn’t really my intention, but I think it was the outcome.

Bracket has held up…so far.

So, it’s March Madness and they call it that for a reason, a lot of strange occurrences happen…not actually strange, but different than what the “on paper” outlook says about how things will go…

Anyways, I filled out my bracket two nights ago I think, and as you’re filling it out you get little “hints” from the organization with which you fill out the bracket about who should win, or who has better odds of winning. However, if you’ve ever watched the NCAA tournament before you know you CANNOT bank on what is supposed to happen. The only way you can have a real chance and purposefully filling out a good bracket is to have followed the teams during regular season. You have to know who plays well, but not only that…who plays well under pressure, who plays well injured, who hits big time shots and makes big time plays. You have to know the ins and outs of particular teams, players, and even coaches to really have a good understanding of who will go places in the tournament.

Having said all that its still a crapshoot. You can follow every team all season and still blow your bracket in the first couple of games because that how March Madness goes! But, that’s also what makes it fun, entertaining, and exhilarating…

If you are a fan of college basketball I hope you’ve enjoyed these first couple of games, and enjoy the rest…I know I will!


Mundane Monday

Well, it’s Monday again…no more weekend relaxation for five more days. I like everyone enjoy the weekend, and especially because it allows me to reduce the amount of time management I have to do in relation to my Cystic Fibrosis treatment, timetables, diet, etc. I can relax a bit on the weekends, and do things in a more slow paced fashion.

So, when the weekend comes around I start to get less stressed in general, and the reverse happens when the new week begins. I start to get stressed out, usually late Sunday, but sometimes not until Monday. Moreover, it always focuses around how I anticipate I am going to feel, and what I am going to have to do to compensate.

I’ve reached a point in my life where most of what I do is routine, and I’m used to it…it’s just my life. But, there are those few things that pop in and out of my routine, that throw a wrench into the gears. Some things become more pressing, some become less…creating a situation where I have to prioritize needs, instead of wants. In prioritizing needs things become extremely convoluted and, unless you’ve experienced it in such a defined way it is almost impossible to explain in a way which the average person could warp their head around.

You may be thinking to yourself I have had to prioritize needs before, and before you start assuming that I’m just making a mountain out of a molehill i’ll explain further. When I say prioritizing needs I don’t mean deciding between needing to get new shoes, or a new belt…or  deciding between needing to get a new piece of furniture or a new TV…or even something more personal like deciding between needing to fulfill a task given to you at work, or one given to you by a family member or close friend.

No, when I say prioritizing needs I mean deciding between needing to go to a Dr. appointment, or getting nutritional supplements…or deicing between refilling a prescription, or making sure you have enough food for the week. Maybe one of the worst of all deciding between what health information to share with family or friends, and what to keep to yourself…for fear of creating more stress or angst among those you love.

There are so many problems that we as CFer’s, anyone with a terminal, or lifelong illness face…some of them are easily adaptable, and some are so disconcerting that we would rather keep them bottled up than share, and have the possibility of allowing those problems to affect the ones we cherish. That is one of the harder parts of CF, it isn’t the coughing up blood, or aching all over, or even being stuck in the bathroom all day. It is watching those around you and feeling their pain as they look on helplessly. It is deciding between several things you have to have, and choosing between the MOST pressing of the issues on your plate to focus on. Making those choices of which need is more important, deciding what issues to keep to yourself, or even trying to shield the ones you love from your spilled over problems can sometimes be more taxing than any of the physical symptoms combined.

I guess that is the kind of problems I anticipate about the new week…what will pop up that I have to set other problems aside to focus on now? How will I approach the unapproachable amount of shit on my plate? And, how will I protect my loved ones from feeling, or even seeing my pain? They are questions I have yet to find answers to and I don’t think I ever will…

So, until I do figure out how to be “Superman” I will continue to do my best to put on a smile, move forward with my head up, but make sure I keep my chin down to avoid the unavoidable blows life throws at me (little martial arts pun). I will take things in stride, and try to keep my cool in all the shitty situations I am faced with, because that is what I have to do to keep my sanity, and to make sure the problems I have don’t become the problems of everyone around me, admittedly this doesn’t always work, but I will try regardless. I will smile, and laugh no matter how much of a terrible day I’ve had, and how badly I feel, because that’s all I have at times…is my inner strength, my will, and my ability to deal with the pain all day, but still smile.


March Madness has begun!!

So, I think the official date is the 14th, but college basketball has taken over the TV…and I love it. It’s one of those things that gives me natural energy, and a “natural high.”

I’ve already gotten to watch like 5 games of matchups I really wanted to see…Duke beat UNC the other night…and right now I’m watching Kentucky v Alabama, and its a great game so far.

For the next couple of weeks I will have several basketball games a day that I WANT to watch and several others that I can watch if nothing else good is on. Some people get mad because their shows get overridden, but not me, lol…sorry not sorry.

Anyways, I’ve literally re-planned my whole daily schedule around this games and then Duke platys again tonight at 9pm…I think.

Hopefully, you had a good week, and are having a good weekend. If you have a basketball jones like I do, enjoy!

Dating with Cystic Fibrosis

As I have created this page, I get more people specifically looking for CF pages than anything else, it isn’t really something of a topic most people will stumble upon and read just to learn more, and that’s fine…I’ve accepted that.

However, I have had a few friends read this page, people who have either a friend or family member with CF or know someone with CF…it isn’t a large group, but there are those who do.

One common question I get as my CF becomes more prevalent in my life, and it shows itself more than it did when I was a younger man. How is it dating when you have Cystic Fibrosis?

So, here’s the answer I give them: Dating in general is a hard thing to do, especially in the times we live in where most people just want a quick hookup, as there are no less than 5 apps/sites dedicated specifically to that. But, having something like CF where if the person you are dating finds out and looks it up before you can explain what CF is like, they’ll probably be scared off. So, if you can make it to the first date, be honest…it is the best way to break that uncomfortable barrier. If the person you are dating comes and is curious explain what CF is, but don’t be graphic and morbid, ease them into life with Cystic Fibrosis. Allow them to see, you are just a person like anyone else, just so happens you have CF and have to take some pills, and do some breathing treatments. Here’s where it can get tricky…the first time that person sees you “sick” will tell you everything you need to know about dating them. If they are caring, concerned, and curious chances are they are a good person for you to keep dating, most people like that are genuinely good people. But, there are also the ones who will be fine, until they see you sick and it will scare, intimidate, freak them out, or maybe just not fit into their idea of what they want in life, which is fine, but totally on them. You control what you can and the right person will be the person you need them to be.

As far as everything else goes i.e. long-term relationship, living together, sex, marriage, etc. It is all do-able with the right care, planning, and most importantly the right person.


It’s late Thursday evening, and I am finishing up on some stuff I had to do today, and I just signed onto my social media where I noticed a couple of comments, on some posts I have recently made.

The posts were nothing crazy, just observations on the political landscape, the irony of said landscape, and the hypocrisy with which so many people operate these days.

So in particular there was a post about health insurance, which if you have read any of my previous posts, you know I have Cystic Fibrosis, and have not been able to qualify, in any way, for decent/affordable coverage in several years.

However, strangely since Trump has become POTUS, I have received several phone calls, and even a positive response to some applications I sent in for assistance, and health insurance, where before I was basically just ignored, or immediately turned down.

But, like I said in the past few weeks, after my latest attempt to get some sort of coverage I was actually contacted by a few companies and even a representative who had been assigned my “case.”

So, I made the connection that maybe this administration has put a fire under the asses of some of these tit suckling government workers who care not ONE BIT about you as is obvious by the way they treat you when you call, or go in person to their department’s brick and mortar building.

Now, having recently signed on to my social media I am getting all kinds of weird responses to my comments, including but not limited to disbelief of my condition, distrust in my reason for applying for help, and even veiled threats towards me/ negative wishes about my health.

Sadly, I am kind of used to seeing this stuff, but have never been the grunt of said negativity…and its very disconcerting, but more so disappointing. I am the kind of person who doesn’t wish ill on anyone, even those with whom I disagree, but generally I wish everyone well, and hope that they don’t have the same kinds of issued just living their lives as I do, on a daily basis.

We live in a world where Rapper’s and “movie star’s” are put on an almost godly pedestal, setting them up in many young people’s eye as something to strive to be…and at the same time we as a society criticize people like Tim Tebow who are REAL role models in similar societal statuses (as far as money and fame go). It is just pathetic…and disheartening to watch people who are actually trying to make our country and the world a better place, get vilified. Meanwhile, the most narcissistic, hedonistic, and many times criminal figures in our society are basically given a free pass to do, say, and be poor excuses for role models, and generally not good people.

Anyways, I guess my point to this post is we should re-evaluate the way we categorize people in our society, and the way we portray them to our young impressionable minds. It is sad to think kids growing up would grow up thinking its ok to treat fellow American’s so badly, and not have it even be a problem. We should be treating each other with respect, even if we disagree politically, socially, culturally, or whatever.

If we just treated each other better, there wouldn’t be some much division, we would get much more accomplished because we could work together better, and we wouldn’t have so many people who feel ostracized for reason’s out of their hands, or based on something they had little control over.

This post is kind of all over the place, so sorry…rant over…lol. Hopefully everyone has a good rest of the week, and into the weekend as well.