Saturday, January 06, 2007

Burger King's Deal with the Devil

Sometime last year, the Burger King finally showed his face. After decades of being known only in name, with nothing to show for his existence but the cardboard crowns that come with kids meals. After years of consuming greasy food and buying cheap excuses for jalapeno poppers which consisted of breaded cheese with little bits of jalapeno hidden inside and wondering, "who exactly is this king and why can't he afford whole jalapenos?" Finally, the man himself has come out of hiding.

To my delight, he made his first appearance to the nation in a commercial for a breakfast sandwich. But there was something not quite right about him. His appearance sent a cold shiver down my spine. Was it the fact that the poor man in the commercial woke up to the menacing grin of the king sitting next to him in his bed? Though this fact was unsettling and probably gave the King a bad start to his career as a mascot, he appeared in other commercials where he wasn't sitting in bed next to a non consenting individual, yet I felt that same eerie chill at the sight of his face.
When Jack first came out of his box a few years ago, he had the potential to come off just as creepy as the king, with that disproportionately large head, sharp-jagged saber of a nose, equally sharp hat, and large eyes lacking pupils. Maybe it's the smile, or maybe it's because he's a dedicated family man, but Jack turned out to be a lovable TV personality.

The King, however, though sporting a grin, seemed to reflect the darkest depths of the abyss.

He tried different ways to gain favor, including making an interception and a touchdown in one commercial. But his efforts were in vain. Something about the King just didn't sit right.

I tried to put it out of my mind, dismissing it as just my imagination, but something has come to my attention recently. I now know what it is about the King that is so disturbing.

I have recently become aware of some games that the King is partaking in. Not Playstation, not Gamecube or Wii, these are Xbox games. That's right, the King is in league with Lucifer.
For those of you who don't know, Xbox is a product of the devil.
Once upon a time, there was Atari, and the world was at peace. Then came Nintendo. Atari retired and the world was still at peace. Then came the Sega Genesis. Instead of one gaming platform, there were now two, and the children of the world were forced to decide which games to keep and which ones to sacrifice. This was the beginning of the Console Wars. From Nintendo came Super Nintendo and from Sega came Saturn, and the wars got bloodier. Then, Sony came along and threw Playstation into the mix. Now there were three platforms, and the world was chaos. As gamers became adults, they discovered the ability to own two platforms at one time. This brought back some balance, but not peace. Nintendo produced the N64, but it was a far cry from the Playstation. Sony produced the PS2 and Sega produced the Dream Cast. Just when it seemed like this war would never end, Nintendo and Sega made a truce. The world of Sega merged with the world of Nintendo. Finally, peace was at hand, and the people rejoiced. But it was not to be. At this opportune time, the evil Xbox slipped on to the scene. The wars started up again, only bloodier and more chaotic than they had ever been before. Xbox wowed some of the people with it's graphics and x'tra abilities, but those who were true chose good gaming over fancy graphics.
Now it turns out that the dark shadowy organization which controls Xbox has had it's hand in the entire console wars from the very beginning. It's mission is fear and chaos. That is what is wrong with this Burger King. He is a troubled soul who has become affiliated with this dark force. But I believe there is good in the King. Somehow he was seduced by these evil demons and he was already under their control when he came into the public eye.
Either that or his plastic face is just fucking creepy.


Curtis Sutton said...

That's the funniest thing I've read in the last eight days.

Anonymous said...

What? Those Jalapeno Poppers were awesome.