A new Metroid movie rumor has surfaced, and my oh my, is it ever hilarious.

According to RUMORMILLER (via GoNintendo), the lead role of Samus Aran has gone to none other than one Jessica Simpson, who is said to be “excited to restart her movie career.”

Furthermore, she is said to be “taking part in the selection of Samus’ love interest,” as well as making contributions to the plot. Contributions such as making it known that she feels the plot in the games is “too complex,” and would rather that it moved closer to its core story of…

Oh lord, this is just too much.

…of “love and adventure.”


But, it doesn’t end there, oh no. There’s the matter of who would be directing such a venture, and who better to run this ship into an iceberg than Uwe Boll, the Tommy Vercetti to a world of video game pedestrians?

There is still more, and this is my favorite part: said movie would “feature a wise cracking ethnic Metroid played by the fat kid from [Good Burger].”

Crack reporting, this is. I actually had to capitalize the name of the movie when quoting the above for my own sanity, so you know it’s to be trusted.

I’m not worried, however. Fortunately, Nintendo has previously made it known that while producers across Hollywood are indeed interested in making feature films based on their intellectual property, any such offers are typically met with a kind “Thank you for the interest.” However, Nintendo of America President Reggie Fils-Aime conceded that “there have been certain [people] that we have talked in more detail with.”

“But I think in the end,” he continued, “because we are a content company and are passionate about our franchises, it will be few and far between that actual deals are done to bring our franchises to life in a different way. These are our children.”

And I seriously can’t imagine Nintendo letting a train wreck like the one described above obliterate one of its children. And that makes it all the better for laughing at.

–LBD “Nytetrayn”