Loyle Carner doubles down and proposes to own mother on stage

Mum-obsessed indie hip-hop heartthrob Loyle Carner has gone the whole hog this time, getting on one knee after a thumping set at the O2 Academy Brixton.

Carner has long been known for his subtle melodies, emotive bars and crippling Oedipus complex, so few in the crowd were surprised when the 25-year-old brought out mum Jean after ‘Ain’t Nothing Changed’. 

Throughout the encore, Carner appeared excited, only just managing to get out all the words about being young and normal and nice and kind, explained band bassist Joe Douglas. 

“He seemed very happy, almost to the point of distraction. At first, I thought it was ‘cos it was his favourite crowd ever.  But then I remembered that he has said that at all the other past shows I’ve played with him, which is all of them since the start of his career in 2012, so it had to be something else.

“Then I thought it might be because he had successfully convinced the crowd that he was just a regular guy. But obviously no-one would ever believe that because he’s so obviously a cloying idiot feigning vulnerability for popularity. Once again, non comprende.

After finishing the song the South Londoner asked his mum to come out, explained Douglas, and everything became clear.

“As she walked out he mumbled the same old stuff about her being the most important woman in his life and whatever. Then out of nowhere, he dropped to one knee, reached deep into his pocket and retrieved a ring. And then there was a collective realisation in the place: his agape for Jean also had a pretty healthy dollop of eros mixed in there too. Who woulda thought it?

“Naturally, his mum seemed amazed but not really that surprised. He’s been giving off a lot of signals, like droning on about her at every show even though the crowd is there for his music not the very-much-unpotted history of his emotional life.

“They are now exploring the legality of actually tying the knot, which could be the final stumbling block.

“Luckily, Loyle has this whole messiah complex thing going on, which might be enough to edge him over the finish line with the authorities – just as it did with building a musical following despite his being profoundly mediocre. Fingers crossed for the happy couple!”