Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Graduation Dilemma

Is your mailbox full of them?  Mine sure it.  It's graduation season and let me tell you, apparently I know some very proud parents!  Six more graduation announcements arrived in the mail today and I'm not just talking about high school and college either.

Today I got an announcement for a 5th grade "Culmination"-- Because apparently, making it through the 5th grade and on to middle school is a major, life altering accomplishment. It's a lovely, professionally printed announcement, complete with a photo of Junior. It includes an RSVP card to the "reception in his honor". Huh?  Am I missing something?  Is it standard operating procedure these days to book the Four Seasons for 5th graders?   No your eyes are not failing you-- It's at The Four Seasons Hotel!

Another was not so professional looking and obviously hand addressed by the 8th grade "graduate"; who had made it through middle school but missed the class on how to address an envelope.   This announcement was from the child of a long lost friend I hadn't talked to since the baby shower-- for the "graduate".  

Making it to high school is another milestone lost on me. Who knew finishing eight grades of early education was such a big deal?  Or is it?  I have no idea.

Then there were two announcements from kids actually graduating from high school.  That's an accomplishment in my book and cause for celebration!  You've seen their announcements before--  Embossed in the school colors with swirly type, an envelope inside a bigger envelope with the little tissue paper separating them.  Both arrived with just the announcement-- No photo, no note, nothing.  No handwriting on the envelopes either-- just printed labels with me name spelled wrong.

And the last two received today were from college grads which is a very big deal.  One was addressed in beautiful calligraphy and included a photo of the party girl graduate who took five, instead of four years, to graduate-- you know, so she had enough time to like, party.  

The last was from a grad I actually know and love and included a fun family photo and a lovely hand written note thanking me for always keeping in touch with her while she was out of state at college.

And those are just the ones I received today.  At last count, I've received 14 graduation announcements if you include the ones sent by-- Facebook!  Yes, I was actually Facebooked with three graduation announcements by proud business associates.

In the interest of full disclosure, I do not have kids of my own and therefore cannot relate to the magnitude of a child's graduation like a parent might.  However, I'm pretty sure galas for 5th graders and announcements for 8th graders are a little over the top-- Especially since I have absolutely no idea why I'm even on their announcement list radar in the first place.

So my question is simple.  Am I supposed to send all of these kids graduation gifts?  Is there a "grade level" rule, a "friendship" rule, a "business courtesy" rule, or a time frame for the "last contact" rule?  Where does one draw the line with proud parents and gifts for their, err, um, brilliant, deserving, accomplished children?  I want to do the right thing here and I'm totally lost.

I'm not trying to be cheap either, really I'm not.  It's just that I don't recall ever getting this many announcements before-- mostly from people I've barely communicated with in years, and never for elementary and middle school students.  

Yes, I know I need to acknowledge some of the grads and their parents that I have a relationship with.  But the long lost friends? The business associates who barely do business with me?  The party girls who will never work a day in their lives?  What about them?  And do I have to send a 5th grader a gift if I don't go to the Four Seasons reception?  

So bring it on my dear blog friends.  I have checkbook in hand-- What's a girl to do with so many graduation announcements and so little experience in the matter?

PS  All bets are off for kindergarten "graduations". Those are so stinking cute I wouldn't dream of missing one!  

Welcome to TheFiftyFactor  -  Joanna


  1. You make me laugh.

    It is interesting because I made a comment on another blog this morning that clearly Australia is very different in terms of how it acknowledges graduations. It is more a family celebration until the kids graduate from high college and university.

    We do not celebrate when a child graduates primary school(5 - 12 - unless I guess the kid is a right dope and it really is a big effort and he needs some positive reinforcement), or even high school (12-16 - although the 16 year olds do like to party at the end of year amongst themselves and they do dress to the nines and it is formal), we do celebrate college graduations (17-18 yr olds but once again its more the kids themselves that do so) and we certainly celebrate university graduations (18-22/mature aged students) These are very formal graduations.

    When my daughter graduated from law it was a big celebration because it was a long tough slog for her and she (and the rest of her support system) deserved to party. I did two degrees and never even went to the graduation ceremony for either but did so for my makeup diplomas (go figure where my priorities were).

    It is a tough situation for you.

    I would personally send a card to anyone I didnt have any contact with (out of politeness and because its a 'small' town - if that is politically correct given your association with them)

    I might choose to ignore some invitations/announcements and put them in the bin. However, I would get a gift for those you know fairly well (even via their parents) and would definitely see again.

    As for turning up to their celebration parties, then it would really depend on a few things (who is throwing the best party...and who has the best guest list...no I jest..).

    Then comes the issue with the gift - its all too hard..... Shame you aren't travelling somewhere exotic during the graduation season and you could have a wonderful excuse.

    As for the 5th grade celebration at the Four Seasons, I vounteer to go in your place. I am polite, and responsible and would promise to pat the wee lad on the head and make him feel important. I fear another Narcissist in the making. I guess it is very competitive there though.

    Can you ask an easier question next time? I will be intrigued to find out what everyone else says! Paticularly those that live in LA. I have not lived there for 20 years.

    PS I guess you now know my secret I can say a lot without saying anything at all....

  2. I have a graduating 5th grader and would never think of having a party for him. His reward is that he doesn't have to go to summer school.

    I think $$ should go to high school & college graduations. But only to the people you really know & like. Ignore the Facebook ones. They can't send you a personal invite, you don't have to acknowledge them.

    You may want to send a token trinket to the middle school kid, but only if you're on a personal level or if it will affect your business relationships.

    Or not.

  3. I think it is absurd that an announcement was sent out for a 5th grader and an 8th grader. Seriously...moving on to the next grade level is not a "rite of passage"; it is as common as wiping one's butt.

    High School and especially College, deserve some fan fare (and a gift or check if one is able to do so). I can't even imagine getting an announcement via Facebook....that just seems beyond sterile.

    Great post!

  4. Gift cards? I have no idea! Sorry I'm no help, our kids are home schooled. Our son graduates next year so keep that in mind!! :)


    Good luck and hugs!!

  5. Out of control! We have become a society which has a party for everything! Celebrations of life are great! Everyday should be a celebration. Throwing an expensive party, a party at all for completing 5th grade is simply setting unreasonable expectations for the child for future non-events. As far as gifts. If you feel moved to give a gift, give one, if not don't. If you do give a gift, give something that is lasting and memorable, such as handwritten letter of wisdom or a book with an inscription from you inside. Don't buy into the hype that the parents are creating.

  6. You're supposed to bring money or gifts to those things? I was invited to a party for one, and assured there would be alcohol and a trampoline.

  7. Lilly, You're right, I need to send a card to the "hometown friends" to acknowledge their accomplishments. As for the Four Seasons party-- Between weddings, bar/bat mitzvahs, business functions, and charity events, I've gotten to the point that I know what the entree will be based on which salad they bring out-- Not that I don't appreciate a night out and not having to cook. But it also means Spanx, and high heels and everything else that goes with "doing" the Four Seasons which sometimes is exhausting. But if it's a back yard BBQ-- I am soooo there-- without complaining about it :-)

  8. Lisa: I get that kids are "saying good-bye" when they do the 5th and 8th grade ceremonies at school "passing them on" to the next higher grade and school, but I agree with you-- a 5th grade PARTY is nuts.

    Sarah: Phew! I thought Facebook invites were crazy! Glad we think alike!

    Tracey: I'll be watching my email for your graduate next year :-) And the party should be for YOU the TEACHER! What an accomplishment.

    Mark: OMG!!! You are my very first, GUY ever to comment on my blog! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!

    Diane: If there was a trampoline at the Four Seasons I won't be trying to wiggle out of having to go!

    Thanks everyone-- All great comments and a big help!

  9. I hear you , on all counts. With so many grads in our lives, I think it's appropriate to limit our gifting to high school and college graduates. But wow ... Expecting us to send gifts or money to grade-school "graduates" seems like overkill (and, yeah, ridiculous) to me.

    Like you, we've been bombarded with graduation announcements. I'd love to gift everyone in my life generously, but it's not always possible -- or appropriate. I'm also thrown off course by all the party invitations sent by parents of young people who've earned MA degrees or second degrees ... we've already gifted them for high school AND college graduation. We could send another kid to college by the time we write checks for all these educated people ....When does it stop??

  10. Hi Cindy, I'm with you! When does it stop :-))))
    I sometimes feel like the Sex and the City episode where Carrier threw HERSELF a shower since she'd been to so many for babies ala "pay back time". Oy. I don't mean to be cheap but sometimes I feel like I'm getting hit from all sides.... Graduations, bridal showers, weddings, baby showers, more babies and then grandkid's bar/bat mitzvahs and their "graduations. My dance card is full and my bank account is empty :-)

  11. Forget sending gifts. Too much entitlement there, methinks.

    I have a daughter excited about graduating from grade school, a daughter semi- excited about graduating from high school, and a 14 year old tomboy rolling her eyes through middle school, going "What's the big freaking deal??"

  12. I think people make too much out of graduation, but what can you do if it is a relative and they lavished gifts on your kids. Most kid's like the fuss of getting a diploma. Hope your Memorial Day is a good one.

  13. I will be of no help to you because I'm still contemplating the graduation announcements that sit on my desk at work. Our daughter is graduating high school and I'm only sending announcements to family. I would feel ridiculous sending to anyone else.

    We don't live near any family so we're not throwing a party, but I feel like I need to acknowledge her accomplishment, let the family members know what her plans for college are, etc. She's working on some hand-written notes to go with them.

    But really? I hate sending them because they seem to beg a gift and that just skeezes me out.

  14. Everyone has great advice, but I'd have to say my advice would be VERY similar to Sarah's advice. :)

    Nice To Meet You!

  15. High school and college are the ones I'd recognize and only if I knew them well.

    The Facebook invites? Not cool. And lazy.

    And I'm with you..the Kindergarteners are cute, but I am biased!

    Welcome to blogging...it's life changing. In a good way!

    Come visit me! :)

    Peace - Rene

  16. My grandchildren are home schooled, but take classes at one of the family learning centers here in Seattle.

    The grandees get invited to a lot of birthday parties. I think a graduation party for a child in grade school is pushing things just a bit far, I think. High school and college graduations get my attention.

    p.s., I'm here via Lilly's Life, and I will be back! Welcome to the blogging world.

  17. Did a Right turn from Lilly's and reached here. (Long way from Mumbai :-)

    I am just amazed at this huge brouhaha about having parties for passing various grades. Here, in the middle class types in Mumbai (who agonize about rising prices, and dont worry about repeating clothes etc), I dont think anyone organizes any parties, for getting educated. Certainly not in elementary/middle/high school etc. College graduation is a big thing one attends , but I dont know that people go wild partying afterwards. The students might enjoy at their own party. But nothing like invitations, and posh hotels, and stuff. I suspect, that all these parties and things are actually encouraged and initiated by Hallmark types, and people just get taken in....

    (Our papers just wrote about an illiterate mother and her daily wage earning husband, who managed to slog and send their son to college, and he excelled as an accountant. Now, if I knew these guys, I would myself have a party for them ....)

  18. Stopping over from Lillys. Here is a thought,just acknowledge those you are really close to and who have graduated college and high school. It is tough given everyone eems to be so proud of their little Johnny and Mary. Personally I think I would ignore everyone other than those in my own family. I have a large family and that keeps me poor but they are so worth it. Great blog Joanna.

  19. Hi - dropping in via Lilly's Life.

    Wow. I've never received a graduation invitation in my life, nor did I even attend my own. The piece of paper itself is still in the postage tube in which it arrived.

    See, if it were me, I'd attend the fifth grade one because it would give me great blog-fodder... but perhaps you are more principled than I... :)

  20. HI NEW BLOG FRIENDSs-- Thanks for swinging by after visiting Lilly's blog. I am overwhelmed at your response and can only say THANK YOU so much. I'll stop by your blogs and say hi very soon!!!!

  21. OK, as you can see, I am not "done" talking about this. Another thought always occurs to me when it comes to this topic, and it's worth remembering. Many families have more than one child to "honor" for life's milestones. (Graduations, showers, weddings, you name it!) So if you send, say, a $75 check to one graduate in the family, you'll want to be fair and give the same to the other kids when their time comes. Keeping track of all this is mind-boggling. We are close to many of our neighbors, not to mention key relatives, most of whom have 2 or 3 kids all bound for college. It helps to keep a list of what you gave to whom, or always make it the same amount so you don't forget. In any event, it might cost your retirement...

  22. I choose to only recognize the graduations from high school, of people I've met more than twice.

  23. Thanks everyone for your comments and great suggestions. Here's what I'm thinking.... I'll send cards with cash to the ones I have relationships with-- the amounts will depend on how much of a relationship we have. For the others-- like the 5th and 8th graders and the people I haven't heard from in years, I'll send a card with a note that I'm making a donation in their honor to an arts education program for public school children


    It's acknowledging the student's accomplishment and helps less fortunate school kids at the same time. It's the thought that counts, right? And maybe they'll see a small lesson in there too.

    By the way, I'm up to 17 graduation announcements! That's got to be a record! THANKS AGAIN!

  24. As an end note:

    Death to Spanx! LOL

  25. I am so glad I came over today to read you. This post was exactly what I needed to read. I have a box full of invitations for Bronson's Graduation. He has no desire to mail them out. I have no clue about this stuff. He is the first of many, so I can be the clueless mom at this point.

  26. You know what drives me NUTS?!?! My husband teaches high school in the wealthiest school district in our part of the state. Top rated in the state. And in the top 100 for the nation. These kids are loaded, trust fund babies. They drives lexus', etc. It drives me insane when we get invited to all their graduation parties. I mean, I know it's standard procedure to invite some favorite teachers, but honestly, we are a teacher and a nanny, we cannot afford these graduation parties!!!


Thanks for stopping by and commenting, I really appreciate it.