Republicans Trapped Aboard Sinking Ship

Tragedy struck American politics today when dozens of GOP representatives found themselves stuck on a sinking ship in the Atlantic Ocean. The politicians were at sea celebrating the Kavanaugh vote when a mechanical failure caused it take on water.

The ship itself is a yacht called “American Values,” and is a time-share owned by a handful of key GOP players. Mitch McConnell, for example, often uses the yacht to visit his mother who is a sea turtle. Ted Cruz uses it to get away from reflective surfaces, and Lindsey Graham uses it as a private area to practice shouting. The ship is mostly used as a place where Republican politicians can have some alone time with their female assistants in an environment that is both discrete and inescapable.

Several members of the Democratic Party as well as longtime contributors to Republican PACs have launched their own yachts to assist any GOP representatives looking to jump ship, but many key Republicans either seem to be willing to go down with the ship, or are denying that the ship is sinking. Republicans in charge of the yacht have refused to assist other sinking ships in the past, so many of the sinking Republicans don’t believe that the assistance from other politicians is genuine. One of the Democratic yachts, which is called “Progress,” was one of the first on the scene, but the Republicans say that they cannot board Progress because it’s moving too fast.

As of now, no one knows what caused American Values to become a sinking ship, but experts believe it is due to neglect. GOP congressmen recently started investing in a different time-share yacht called ‘Wealth & Pride,” and by focusing their time and resources to maintaining this second yacht, they have inadvertently let the quality of American Values slowly deteriorate. No one wants to see American Values sink, however, and rumor has it that the Democratic yacht Progress might be the only thing that can tow it back to safety.


Written by J. S. Wydra


Comcast Offers New Sports Package That Automatically Censors NFL Players Kneeling During National Anthem

Comcast recently announced a new sports package that will be available this weekend that automatically censors any NFL player who chooses to kneel during the national anthem. The package will cost $69.99 per month and uses the same state of the art censorship technology employed by the FOX Network to make President Trump appear like a sane person.

“Our Smart Censor software will mask any protesters in the NFL through on-the-spot cropping, tasteful blurring, and additional advertisements,” said a Comcast spokesperson. “Our viewers deserve to anesthetize themselves from the problems of the world by watching sports, not to be reminded of them.”

The announcement has been met with positive reviews among NFL fans, who believe this is an appropriate step to making themselves feel better.

“I get so angry every time I see a player kneeling during the anthem,” says lifelong NFL fan Dale Brumner. “As a veteran, I feel more disrespected than any minority in this country ever has in the history of the entire country, ever.”

Some have been criticizing Comcast for trying to capitalize on an issue that is dividing America, similar to when Dairy Queen offered a free Blizzard to anyone getting an abortion, or when Disney offered 50% off on all amusement park tickets if customers brought a gun. Dale, however, says it’s a brilliant idea.

“I would pay any amount of money to show that I love and support this country and condemn those who don’t. Kneeling during the anthem is a crime worse than taxation, and I’ll have nothing to do with it.”

The package will be available later this week and hundreds of preorders are already in. Several networks have announced that they will also attempt to circumvent the kneeling protests in different ways. ABC will play beer commercials over the anthem, CBS will show images of random Americans standing all over the country, and NBC has cancelled football altogether and will instead air a still image of the American flag every Sunday for five hours while playing the national anthem on a loop.


Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews



14 Realistic Ways Trump Could Get Impeached

Millions of Americans woke up today to see an internet meme get sworn into the office of President of the United States, but there is a ray of hope in this time of uncertainty. Many pundits believe that the pompousness responsible for Donald Trump’s success could also lead to his early downfall. Here are 14 realistic ways Trump could get impeached before his term is up.


1. Details could leak to the press about the time Donald helped his son Eric cover up a number of grizzly serial murders.

2. An open mic might finally catch him saying the N-word.

3. He might get caught “upskirting” the Statue of Liberty.

4. Supreme Court Apprentice might be a big enough disaster.

5. Trump could lose public trust by declaring war on fictional character Van Helsing for hunting down Melania’s kind.

6. People might start to catch on that the border wall is meant to keep Americans in.

7. He likely could disrobe during a press conference to show us all that “it’s still working down there,” in an effort to dispel rumors.

8. His tax returns could leak, revealing that he’s actually been paying the federal government far too much and has been a commie this whole time.

9. A push to get Harriet Tubman removed from the $20 bill will lead to a push to get Donald himself printed on that same bill, irreparably devaluing the USD.

10. Donald’s soviet Russian birth certificate might be released.

11. Trump could legally disown his daughter Ivanka to justify the statements he’s made about her.

12. The Illuminati might get their shit together.

13. Trump will attempt to nuke Switzerland for remaining neutral during World War III but authorize a nuclear strike on Swaziland instead believing they’re the same thing.

14. An inexplicable wave of sanity will overcome your elected representatives who will then use their power to support the people, make a better future for generations to come and unite the world. Oh, wait… sorry, I forgot these were supposed to be “realistic” possibilities.


By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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Trump’s Immigration Policy Could Keep Santa Out Of US in 2017

President-elect Donald Trump took heat today when it was announced that, if enacted, his immigration policies would forbid Santa Claus from visiting the United States and delivering presents next Christmas.

“America first means North Pole second,” said Trump to a picture of himself this morning and then later to a group of reporters clustered outside of Trump Tower. “All our jobs are leaving this country, if you look at what’s happening, they’re going to China, they’re going to Mexico, they’re going to the North Pole. Obama has been sending these jobs away and they’re not coming back, folks. I’m going to bring them back.”

This statement has sparked outrage with parents across the country who rely on Father Christmas to provide the plastic, electronic shit that children need as a substitute to actual parenting.

“I don’t have time to go shopping for Christmas presents,” says Wanda Kirkmand, a single mother of three, “and I can barely scrape up enough money each year, too. Without help from Santa Claus I can’t guarantee my son will get the new desktop computer he demands every year.”

Santa Claus will be kept out of the United States with a ceiling Trump hopes to build over US airspace. The ceiling will attach to the top of the prospective US-Mexico border wall and then just slope down over the rest of the country.

“[Santa Claus] enters this country illegally every year,” continued Trump, “and we have to put an end to it. We’re gonna be winning the war on Christmas, believe me.”

When asked to comment on the matter, Saint Nick himself laughed off the scandal.

“I haven’t been to the United States in years,” said Mr. Claus. “There hasn’t been a nice child in America since the invention of color television.”


By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews


Donald Trump Cuts to Chase and Just Masturbates on Stage for Four Minutes

Presidential candidate Donald Trump shocked the nation yesterday evening when he simply dropped his pants during a rally and proceeded to masturbate in front of tens of thousands of his supporters. The billionaire reportedly became aroused while discussing his plans to set American women back fifty years.

“Me and my buddy was arguin’ over whether or not Trump handin’ out free shirts was too socialist,” said Jonah Ells, a Trump supporter and attendee of the rally. “Trump was up there spittin’ out words and turnin’ his face all red and swollen like usual when we realized his pants was around his ankles and he was goin’ at it like me when I used the internet for the first time in my life two months ago.”

While many Americans were shocked by Trump’s lurid act, some viewed it simply a matter of time.

“I predicted this would happen,” said political pundit Bram Newhauer. “The whole reason why Trump is running for president is to jerk himself off. We’ve known that since the beginning and that’s exactly what he’s been doing this whole time. What nobody anticipated is how well Mr. Trump can jerk off half the nation.”

Trump finished after four minutes, however many of his supporters started to copy their leader, creating the largest group masturbation session in recorded history.

“It’s no great mystery why none of his supporters actually engaged in intercourse at the rally,” said Newhauer. “Trump supporters are a very prideful people. They’re proud of their race, their country, their beliefs, their lack of diversity, and they’re not afraid to express that. Anyone with that much pride in those things, however, is constantly jerking themselves off, typically without even realizing it.”

Trump is scheduled to have a rally this upcoming Thursday, where it is believed that he will be dressing up a copy of the United States Constitution in women’s clothing so that he can force himself onto the unwilling document in front of everyone. If that happens, it will likely be viewed as the only promise Donald Trump will actually keep if he is elected.


By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews


Galactic Presidential Candidate Quaid Xzzjlyxxy-13 Running on Campaign of Intolerance, Bigotry

Galactic President hopeful Quaid Xzzjlyxxy-13 has made the oppression of Humans the focus of his campaign, saying that if elected he would close down Earth’s borders for good.

“Earth has been sending over its people for 50 years now,” said Xzzjylxxy-13 during a rally last Flermsday. “If we don’t do something about it now, the Sol System will be overrun with Humans that want nothing more than to take our jobs.”

Xzzjlyxxy-13 has proposed building a giant space wall around Earth to keep the Humans out, for which he claims he can make Earth fund on its own.

“I’ve met some Humans,” said Xzzjlyxxy-13, “they’re not good people. Some of them are okay, but for the most part Humans are rapists and murderers and terrorists. And I watch the news, I’ve seen the ‘astronauts’ they’re sending over here. They’re not sending over their best people.”

While many see this campaign as the bigotry of a demagogue, Xzzjlyxxy-13 has managed to gain a considerably large following in the short time since announcing his candidacy.

“Quaid Xzzjlyxxy-13 is preying on the fears of the galactic people,” said political pundit Jackomeyer Zguiche. “Many have accused him of being a racist. This is not true. He knows that many people in the Galaxy are racist, however, and he uses that to swing the numbers in his favor.”

Whether or not he believes it himself, Xzzjlyxxy-13 has proposed that Humans intend to bring their Earthborn conflicts with them if they are allowed admittance into the rest of the Galaxy.

“Most of the Humans being sent here are grown men,” said Xzzjlyxxy-13. “Where are the women and children? If it’s really so bad over there, why aren’t the men staying over there and fighting?”

Many believe that if elected, Xzzjlyxxy-13 might even try to attack Earth once he realizes that building a planetary wall is impossible.

“We have the ability to bomb them from here,” said Xzzjlyxxy-13 in what some view as a threat. “I’m not saying we should do it, I’m just saying we could and we’d be better for it.”

It’s too early to tell how far Xzzjlyxxy-13 will go this election or even if he’ll win the primary, but regardless, this is shaping up to be one of the most exciting elections in the last 6,744,028,990 years.


By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews


Protestors Begin Protesting Protests

Violent and nonviolent protests alike have been cropping up across the United States for issues including racial discrimination, homosexual rights and the deletion of Joss Whedon’s Twitter account. Many protestors, however, have gathered to protest the drastic increase of public demonstrations that are growing more and more commonplace in America every day.

“We’re getting sick of this being the only thing we see on the news,” says protestor Gayle Sweeney, one of the founders of Protestors Protest Protesting (PPP). “I want to get back to seeing the news that actually matters, like pregnant celebrities and cats who know how to dial 911, and that isn’t going to happen until these people put down their signs, go back inside and just watch TV like they should.”

“Last night, I wanted to treat myself to a night out at Chili’s,” says Baltimore resident and PPP member Garry Zucker. “I drove two blocks before hitting a mob that completely blocked the streets. If that happened when I was going to work, that’d be great. But it’s only when I’m trying to go somewhere that I actually want to be. It needs to stop.”

The PPP has showed up at several demonstrations, including a rally of religious conservatives who had gathered in D.C. to protest the Supreme Court marriage equality vote. Unfortunately a rally of marriage equality supporters had already showed up across the street from the marriage equality protestors, so the PPP was forced to share the middle of the road in between the two sides of protestors with the D.C. police who had showed up to contain the protesting. The amorphous blob of shouting and protesting eventually fused into one combined protest against the lack of order, personal space and bathrooms at all public demonstrations.


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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
