A Slave To My Addiction



At least that’s what a couple of trained medical professional types told me this week. I always find it odd that a chiropractor can run their fingers down your spine and go, “Oh, that’s the one. Need to pop that sucker back into place.” Seems like voodoo. I’ve had issues with a compressed disc in my lower back for a while, but now it seems I’ve hunched myself all the way over to full blown sciatica. If my posture were any worse I would be upside down.

As for my stupid eyes (or “look balls,” as they are never referred to), I assumed the constant pain, fatigue and twitching meant it was time for a new prescription. Following my standard plan, I waited 3 or 4 months after the symptoms started just to make sure. I like to be thorough. And negligent. Shockingly my scrip was the same as last year, so Dr. Eyeball (with a name like that, what other profession could he chose?) suggested I get reading glasses for making comics. I am officially falling apart bit by bit just to keep making stupid Internet butt-comics. At least I’ll die like I lived. Making stupid Internet butt-comics.

Here Lies Joel Watson
1981 – 2012
Beloved Husband, Father and Purveyor of Illustrated Dick Jokes

COMMENTERS: Please write your own tombstone eulogy, assuming you will die doing what you love (or at least what you spend most of your time doing ).

ANOTHER THING! Check out this fancy baby wearing a one of a kind HijiNKS ENSUE custom onesie. I drew this for a reader live during the last Dragon’s Lair Austin Webcomic Rampage panel.

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  1. I'm pretty sure I'm going to die alone, buried under pounds of quilts and devoured by cats.

    Whether or not that's "doing something I love" I can't really say.

  2. Chiropractic IS voodoo. The guy who started believed all disease was caused by pinched nerves from misaligned vertebrae. Needless to say, that’s not true. There’s this little thing called “The Germ Theory of Disease” that says otherwise. The quack half of chiropractics still believe they can cure stuff like pneumonia and cancer by pushing on your spine. The other half only believe that they can help with certain musculo-skelatal issues but experiments have shown they’re no more effective than placebo. However, all chiropractic therapies carry a risk of injury or death; you should never let a chiropractor touch you above your shoulders if you value your life. Light stretching and exercise with OTC painkillers is several times more effective than even the best chiropractors.

    • Yes, this one thousand times.

      For someone who seems to get science, I can't for the life of me understand why you went to a Chiropractor.

      • When I had proper back trouble (as opposed to just being old back twinges) physiotherapy did very little for me but osteopathy was a great success I didn't try chiropracy as I prefer my chicken unsacrificed however I was 'tricked' in to it by my wife and it did absolutely nothing at all. Of course to actually fix it took real medicine.

    • I, uh, really don't want to start an argument or anything (so why post at all haha), but I do want to present two experiences we've had in my family (one with my dad, one with me) with chiropractors. I agree absolutely, it ain't gonna cure anything not related to one's spine being out, but it really can help a lot with that. Two examples:

      1) When I was in my young teens, my dad started having a lot of pain. Terrible headaches. Like, unbearable. He went to see his doctor, who sent him to a specialist that he had to drive seven hours to see (we live in a big province, and this was in the late 70's/early 80's in a remote area), and the specialist told him that he had to have the vertebrae in his neck fused, that he had a 50% chance of surviving the operation, and that if he didn't have it he'd be dead in two years. Well, screw that, says my dad, having a wife and two young kids to look after, and not wanting to take a 50% chance on dying on the operating table. Maybe it'll get better on its own. But it doesn't. And finally a guy he works with suggests that he go and see his chirporactor, about 2 1/2 hours away in the next town over. So he does. He makes an appointment with the guy and goes to see him, but he's in so much pain that the guy can't even touch him. So the chiropractor tells him to get these heavy-duty pain killers and come back in the morning after taking them. So Dad grabs a motel and calls to let Mum know what's up. I still remember that call. I only heard Mum's side of it, of course, but poor Dad was in so much pain he was literally suicidal. Mum finally got him to agree to give the chiropractor another go before doing anything permanent. So Dad waited, and went, and it was a pinched nerve in his neck, and the Chiropractor fixed it in one. That was about thirty years ago and Dad is still going strong, didn't have that operation, and didn't die in two years. So that's one example.

      2) The other one is me. When I was about 16 I started having these excrutiating back pains. Like, I'd just be walking along and my back would spasm so hard that I would fall to the ground in agony and not be able to move. Dad would have to carry me to bed; luckily I was skinny! So again, specialist, and he said that I needed to have a rod implanted in my spine, and that if I didn't I'd be in a wheelchair by the time I was 20. So, again, screw that noise; let's see if Dad's chirporactor can help; it certainly couldn't hurt! And so I started seeing him too. And the back spasms stopped very soon after (can't remember now if it was immediately or within a month or so, but they stopped very shortly thereafter and haven't come back). And I am now 20 years past 20 and still not in a wheel chair. I did look up the operation online a few months ago, and boy, am I glad my parents decided to take me to Dr. Lutz instead! That would have fucked my shit up but good.

      So there you go. I am all for light stretching and exercise, but chirppractors can have their place too, especially if a nerve is pinched. My Dad and I are both vertical and mobile because we got chirporactic treatment for our conditions. YMMV, of course; but I am all for it. Having said that, though, there are some who are better than others, same as in any field. But, yeah. That's our experience. 🙂

    • Okay, I will say that my mom is a chiropractor so I am of course biased.

      If chiropractic adjustments actually carried a serious risk of injury or death, I would be dead right now. I have been treated regularly since I was a BABY. And yes, that includes neck adjustments. The consent/release form that you sign when you come in to be treated has recently been revised because there is even LESS risk of stroke than they thought there was before (and it was already extremely small).

      Chiropractors go to post-secondary school for 7 years, 4 years of which is chiropractic college where they learn *science* and have nearly all the same classes as a medical doctor would – except for the drugs and surgery. Here's a link with a chart (at bottom of page) comparing hours spent per subject in an average medical degree vs. chiropractic degree.

      I don't want to start a big fight. I just get upset when I see people writing off chiropractic.

      • My chiropractor uses a dual approach: regular adjustments at his office, and special exercises you do at home to strengthen whatever muscles need strengthening. If you only do one or the other it's not much help. Maybe that's why some people found chiropractic ineffective.

      • I am another who will go on record FOR chiropractic adjustment. When my arm went numb from a pinched nerve in my neck I got no relief from my regular Dr. My chiropractor managed to get me almost immediate relief. I go with what works for me.

        • Spinal adjustments are non-invasive and do not damage any part of the body in any way. The "crack" noise of an adjustment is same noise that you get if you crack your knuckles – as the joint releases back into place, a tiny bubble appears for a split second in between the joint surfaces and makes that noise.

          Chiropractic adjustments on babies are extremely gentle, use very little pressure, and are often done while the baby is lying on the mother's tummy. My mom has adjusted babies who didn't notice at all that they were being adjusted, and others who laughed.

          If you wonder why a baby would need adjustments in the first place, well, the birth process can be extremely traumatic for the baby. Especially difficult deliveries where positioning is an issue or forceps are used can put the baby's spine (particularly the neck) out of alignment right from the get go. Chiropractic can be very helpful with problems like colic, especially when it hasn't responded to any other methods.

          *gets off soapbox* Sorry for the long-winded comment!

      • I had neurapathy on the left side of my face down my shoulder into my left hand. The pain was unbearable, like being set on fire constantly throughout the night. Doctors gave me pain mess that did not take it all away and for months was told I would have to endure it the rest of my life. Went to a chiropractor and he adjusted me several times a week and within a month most of the pain was gone. Within a few months of at least once a week I gained full recovery of my hand, and no pain at all. Do not tell me it is quack when they have to learn the same stuff as doctors and more. And all these studies you all talk about? Prove it, show me, show me how the central nervous system does not control the body and that a clear path to those points is not a good thing.

    • Chiropractic has kept me from needing to have surgery for carpal tunnel for 7 years, and is way cheaper and without the mandatory 2 weeks off from work.

      Other issues… I can't comment on.

  3. Here Lies Mike
    Always starting projects, never finishing them. We expect him to give up this death thing any day now.

    • My oafish fingers wanted to thumbs up this comment and instead did the exact opposite. just FYI that negative feedback is positive feedback in disguise.

    • I used to work in a computer store. One of my regulars&sup1;, a chiropractor, would always announce himself whenever he called asking if his computer was done yet. "Hello, this is DOCTOR [firstname] [lastname]…"

      &sup1;Despite it being explained to him many times, he never seemed to understand the concepts of "No, you should not let your kids install Kazaa" and "No, your business computer should not be the same as your family computer".

  4. I've had sciatica since I was 17 (single-shoulder backpack carrying. Damn my childhood need to be cool!) and reading glasses since I was 18.

    I'm pretty sure my body is preemptively fighting back in anticipation of the day when the technological singularity happens and I abandon it for either a computer or robot body.

  5. Computer and television screens can't really permanently damage your eyes. They might hurt the development of children's eyes but they won't hurt adult eyes. The back and neck on the other hand, will suffer. Sitting too long in the same position could also result in hemorrhoids.

    • Also bursitis in the hips. That one's nasty. Take it from me: avoid it.

      Also I suppose deep vein thrombosis. Watch that one too; killed a friend of mine.

    • they actually don't hurt the eyes at all, not even in children. It's been proven that sitting too close to the tv does not cause eye damage, it's just a sign of it.

  6. Here lies Matt Pullen (well whats left of him)
    He died doing what he loved, drunkenly fighting bears

    At least that's the plan when I get to update my body after the singularity, totally going to fight some bears while drunk.

    • 20X6 FTW!
      Stinkoman is my hero. I model my life after him, randomly challenging whoever comes along to one-on-one combat.

  7. Here lies Scott
    "A scientist most of his life, but never did have that lab accident to give him superpowers."

  8. Well, we the internet thank you Joel for killing yourself to bring us our LOLs.

    It was a noble sacrifice, but from our end TOTALLY worth it. (We need's our dick jokes and butt-comics)
    You will be remembered.

  9. Here lies Josh

    1986 – 20XX

    "world of inanimate objects 1: 0 Josh"

    Seriously if there is a fault in something that causes it to be dangerous it will find me! We had a microwave that shocked me every time I touched it and everyone said "oh its just static"… til my stepdad got a shock and it was thrown out in seconds. Also last night i ran myself over with my own car (handbrake rachet broke whilst I was working on the engine!!)

  10. Earl Leonard, husband, father, children's musician. Stomped to death and eaten by hoard of pr-schoolers pretending to be dinosaurs a little too well.

  11. Here Lies Henrik Magnusson


    Got his stupid ass killed by a lifetime of junk food, video gaming, Internet addiction, staying up til 5 am making comics no one liked, and finally died alone in the dark and left behind a bloated, Doritos-encrusted cropse it took a team of firemen to get out of his apartment.

    His final words were "You guys better not touch my Batman comics. Im serious"

  12. Can't they give you bionic eyeballs and an adamantium spine? I believe this is a more reasonable solution than spending slightly less time making internet dick joke picture funnies.

  13. I agree, just have them make you into a cyborg. If you're going to go for it, go all out.

    On a side note, the art on this comic is one of the best I've ever seen you do. Amaziballs

  14. Here lies the Right Hon. Steven Q. Fizzlesmythe, PhD, MMA, Esq., Lord of the Bedchamber
    Never updated on time.
    Killed while defending his family from the Skull King, Scourge of Mankind.
    "Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. OW!"

  15. "Seems like voodoo"
    It is. Go see a real doctor and you might actually get better.

    Here lies Teresa Fairchild
    She was a real cunt about pseudoscience.

  16. VooDoo – hey don't mix religion with science, pseudoscience and corporatism …..

    Hey, does any remember all the treatments that "Medical Science" promoted that was advertised for decades for the treatment of acid indigestion / ulcers … then it took two independent researchers [with no corporate oversight] to determine and then verify that it was a simple to treat bacterial infection … now the exact some products are being sold to treat "acid reflux syndrome" … something that did not even exist in the nomenclature a decade ago is now an epidemic with no know cure …. same for those little blue and pink pills they are so desperately trying to find a female analogue for.

    So Real Doctors [tm] are just as safe to be around as any others, though they are the ones prescribing $$$ drugs and surgeries as "treatments" … money was never made from promoting a cure.

    Do I seem bitter or jaded? Maybe its because I work in the industry and see first had all the shenanigans.
    Yes I said shenanigans.

    • Interestingly, I suffered from gradually worsening "acid reflux syndrome" daily for years. Conventional medicine just prescribed more and more pills, and told me not to eat things that made it worse – never mind that quite literally anything, even plain water or crackers, gave me pain.

      Then I went to a chiropractor to ask for help with headaches. He touched my back and asked, "Do you get acid reflux?"

      I said no, to see what he'd do. He said, "Huh, I'm surprised. Usually people with this compression here get really bad acid reflux. Well, I'll fix it anyway, just to be safe." *CRACKLE*

      Acid reflux went away!

      After several follow-up visits, I learned to click my own back via a very careful stretch that I do maybe once a week, and the reflux has not come back.

      I don't believe that everything is caused by spine misalignments. I think that belief is simply a case of "If you have a hammer, everything looks like a nail." If you're a nutritionist, everything is caused by diet. If you're a physical therapist, everything is caused by lack of proper exercise, and if you're a GP whose main tool is to prescribe medicine, then everything will look like it would benefit from medicine.

      We are healthier when we allow our toolboxes to contain more than one tool, and let our minds be open to more than one way of fixing a problem.

    • Just with regards to acid reflux…
      I get quite bad reflux (started in my late teens) and it isn't likely to go away, so I'm on pills daily (protein pump inhibitors, which is what I assume you're talking about). However, the very first thing that my doctor did was to test for helicobacter — if it was, it would have been treated with antibiotics and that would have been that. It turns out that mine is caused by a (small) hernia, so antibiotics would have done nothing; those pills are a bloody godsend to me. As you say at the start of your post, medical science and capitalism are uneasy bedfellows at best, but that certainly doesn't mean that drugs produced by Big Pharma are necessarily useless.

      Disclaimer: I live in England, so I only pay a fixed fee for prescription meds anyway.

  17. I feel ya on this comic. Just had to get some granny readers myself so I could keep writing AND surfing the internet for hours at a time :(. Oldness, man… Whatever.

    Here lies Rebecca Knight

    She died as she lived, hunched over her laptop writing epic fantasy novels. She asked to be buried in the soiled bathrobe that was her constant uniform in life. May she rest in peace.

  18. Here lies Matt Stevens

    Death by Geekograph. He was found slumped over at his computer, literal faceroll. That's what happens when you make metal art. He knew what he was in for. Rest in pieces.

  19. Here lied Jeff
    "The Zombie virus IS real!"

    Although it's far more likely to be something like:
    Terminal segment fault in jeff.brain kernel 6d700000:00003F021 core dump to /var/crash/jeffthomas/vmdump.0

    I really like one from Dinosaur Comics:
    Here lies T-Rex
    he died as he lived
    on impact

  20. James Spooner
    A wishful fantasist who Died defending earth and all of space sector 2814.
    He made a good pasta sauce

  21. Awww. Is there any chance an orthopedic corset/back brace thingy might help you with your posture when you sit?

    Also, have you heard of Dr. Sarno and the Mind-Body Prescription? http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Back-Pain-Mind-Body
    He's done a couple books on back pain and chronic pain in a more general sense. A friend loaned me one of his books to see if it would help my fibro. As it turns out I already kind of do the stuff that's applicable to me, which may or may not be why I'm doing pretty well for having fibro and all. He veers a little into woo territory at times with some of the overstated claims he makes for this mode of therapy but I believe that the basic method is valid for pain symptoms.

  22. ***** *****

    Died as he lived…drunk off his ass, and naked as the day he was born.
    The other residents at his senior living facility were NOT amused.

  23. Oh right, epitaph.

    Here lies Christina
    Disowned daughter, insatiable sexpot, beloved Mistress, renowned gourmand and dessert artist
    Died of heart attack during a cake frottage session

  24. Chris Stansell
    1987 – 51st Century

    "I don't think that guy is a real doctor.
    I don't think that guy is a real doctor.
    I don't think that guy is a real doctor.
    I don't think that guy is a real doctor.
    I don't think that guy is a real doctor.
    I don't think
    I don't think
    I don't think
    I don't think

    "Chris Stansell has been saved."

  25. Hear lies Connor.
    He will be missed as much as the inhuman amount of caffeine that lead to his demise.

  26. Did you talk to your doctor about changing the way you sit when you draw? One of the tattoo artists on Miami Ink was having a lot of spine problems from the way he sat while tattooing and had to change his posture entirely.

  27. Here Lies Shanaar diCrystala
    Geek, Nerd, Queen of the Night
    "Easily distracted? No, why do you SQUIRREL!"

    ("Squirrel" in this instance is read "hot guy".)

    And yes, I have interjected "Hello, lunch!" during a conversation when a cute guy has walked past. My friends know that I'll continue where I left off within 10-15 seconds. It does surprise some people, since there's no break in flow. Example: "Wow, that new system was totally hello, lunch bogus and needs revamping."

  28. Here Lies Bobby Cherwonka
    1988 – 2012
    Kind of a jerk, loved to hate things, cut up dead animals, loving boyfriend
    EA sucks

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