Transformers: The Last Knight is Michael Bay’s fifth and final foray into the world of giant shape-shifting robots. Starring the returning Mark Wahlberg, The Last Knight sees Cade Yeager and his Autobot buddies attempting to stop the villainous Decepticons getting their hands on a McGuffin of unimaginable power, one capable of destroying Earth.

The film opens in medieval England during the time of King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table. The gallant knights are under attack from hostile invaders and on the verge of defeat, hoping that Merlin (Stanley Tucci) will come through with his promise to provide a weapon of great power to turn the tide of the battle. We find Merlin riding through the English countryside to an epic musical score, only for him to abruptly stop his horse to declare how drunk he is. What follows is almost Monty Python-esque in tone and completely derails a battle scene and historical set-up that was threatening to be mildly interesting. Sadly, terrible humour is the least of The Last Knight‘s issues.

The Last Knight

Almost nothing about The Last Knight makes sense. Aside from the major hole in the idea that giant robots have played a part in our very recent history (WW2 recent – when visual recording equipment was widespread), yet no-one was aware of their existence before the first Transformers film. Every scene feels like a piece of a jigsaw, but not the same jigsaw. Elements of the story, such as the early introduction of the young and courageous Izabella (Isabela Moner) and the reintroduction of Megatron, are forgotten for large portions of the movie. Optimus Prime’s coercion at the hands of the evil Quintessa is established as a pivotal story point, ignored for almost the entirety of the film’s second act, and then given a hasty and unsatisfying resolution. Anthony Hopkins’ Sir Edmond Burton has so many ticks and mood swings that it is uncertain if he’s playing the same character throughout. His robot butler, Cogman, a high point of the franchise’s ability to create instantly hateful new robots, suffers the same schizophrenic characterisation. In one of the movie’s most incomprehensible moments of disrespect for continuity, he fires himself out of a torpedo tube to catch some fish (?!), only to declare seconds later that he can’t leave the submarine because of the salt water. Which is it? Are there two of you? What is even happening?

What can only be loosely described as a plot is The Last Knight‘s greatest weakness. The ‘ultimate weapon’, the thing so important to find that it necessitates highly unlikely alliances, is ill defined. Is it the on switch for a bigger weapon? Is it a stick that summons a dragon? The nature of the movie’s main protagonist, the Quintessa, is equally unclear. She appears to be a creator of sorts but her reasons for creating are never explored. She exists simply to be a danger to the planet but never does or says anything to make you believe she is capable of following though on her plans. The Decepticons occupy the role of her enforcers but are outsmarted by Cade and Bumblebee too often to be credible. There is little here to allow an audience to invest in the danger beyond a wall of sound and mad CGI sequences.

For a film like this, where the emphasis on noise and CGI leaves little room for actual acting, it can be difficult to evaluate the actual actors. For what it is worth, Wahlberg is a convincing hero and unreservedly charming throughout. Hopkins spends most of the film with his mouth full of scenery, but is by no means terrible. Laura Haddock, who plays Viviane Wembly, the professor of Literature and Cleavage at Oxford, is an acceptable Megan Fox replacement although the role will hardly be touted by equality activists as a watershed moment for female actors. She’s brave and stubborn, but that’s probably why she just can’t find herself a husband.

The Last Knight

The Last Knight will make a disgusting amount of money at the box office. Bay may be leaving but it is unlikely that we have seen the end of the franchise. He departs Transformers on a decidedly low note, an irredeemable, disjointed affair devoid of any soul. Watching Transformers: The Last Knight is a bit like going to see a heavy metal band where all of the musicians are playing different songs. It is, for the most part, a confusing and horrifying mess.


Transformers: The Last Night is in Irish cinemas now.