Friday, August 17, 2012

Air and Water Show

I find a clockmaker online and walk over there on my lunch break.  I haven't worn my watch since one of the links broke. Which is odd to begin with, because I never wore a wristwatch at all, really.  Not until this year.

But I walk over there and this sign said 'fifteen minutes' which is an asinine thing for a clockmaker's sign to read.  Fifteen minutes from when, exactly?  For someone who specializes in the precise measurement of time, your vagueness astounds me.

So I buy some Jalapeno Cheetos and decided to watch the Air and Water Show from Daley Plaza.  There's a homeless man carrying a gallon of water.  If I were homeless, I would save up all year to buy an airhorn and a squirt bottle, and the weekend of the Air and Water show I would run up to tourists and blow the horn and squirt them with water and yell, "I'M THE MOTHERFUCKING AIR AND WATER SHOW, BITCH" and run away laughing and it would be hilarious.

I start laughing to myself, reinforcing the hilarity, and then this woman is plowed down by a car.  It drives away.

Now, I've been in situations like this before.  There are several things I could do. I could run over there and join the crowd of people surrounding this poor woman, yelling to see if she's okay, this poor woman who is lying face down in the middle of the street with her summer dress hiked up around her waist, and we can all see her Spanx and her varicose veins and her shattered high heel shoe.  I could crowd around her with all of those people standing in a slowly growing half circle, and stare at her and ask everyone what to do, what happened, did someone call an ambulance.  I could do that.

But there are other people doing that.  More and more people are doing that every second. 

So I rip open my Jalapeno Cheetos and walk into the middle of the street, blocking her from the cars honking by. She hasn't moved yet, and a woman on the sidewalk yells about being an RN and takes control of the situation.  I keep my back to them and start popping Cheetos and look up at the sky.  I can hear the planes, but I can't see them at all.

The nurse yells at me.  "Excuse me?  Excuse me?  What are you doing?"

I turn, and look at her, mouthful of Cheetos.  "Arm brocking va kers frm hervin her."


I swallow. "I'm blocking the cars from hitting her.  And trying to keep people from staring."

"Well, you're in the way."

I look at her, and laugh.  "Yes I am.  That's kind of the idea."  There is no way I'm going to explain that I'm trying to prevent this woman from getting scrutinized and oggled to a nurse, who has more important things on her mind.  I hold out the bag of Cheetos as a peace offering. "Sorry.  I'm just trying to keep the Air and Water sightseeing down to a minimum."

The woman on the ground turns her head towards me.  "Thank you," she says.

"You're very welcome.  Would you like a Jalapeno Cheeto?"



Jane said...

I like this story very much.

MoLinderr said...

it is apparent that the car did not understand the red man says nein.

daisyfae said...

there are Jalapeno cheetos?

[absolutely lovely tale, by the way... not that she got hit - i hope she's ok - but that you were able to see a different way to help.]

JMH said...

I have only admiration here: Clockmaker joke (very funny to a certain subset of people: clockmakers, watchmakers, timetravelers), air and water joke (pretty funny to everyone who uses air or water), but then it ends somewhat horrifyingly (definitely you did the right thing, and casually). Adverb overload.

Jessica said...

You're a great writer! I know you're not on twitter, but I'm going to share this on twitter.

formerly fun said...

"For someone who specializes in the precise measurement of time, your vagueness astounds me."

I love you Rassles, I love that you would block passers by from staring at my undies or watching me wimper and try to get gravel on me and find my shoe and figure out how hurt I really am.

I like the other side of things you see sometimes.

Chris said...

How does all of this crap happen to you? Wait, don't answer that. I already know. I don't think there's an English word for it, but there is probably one in German.

Ellie said...

Fantastic. I wrote a post ages ago about a guy I saw get slammed by a car. I was not as noble as you ... the post was all about how I did nothing (at least doing nothing includes not gawking!).

nursemyra said...

Ah Rassles you always make me laugh

Rassles said...

Jane: I like YOU very much.

MoL: We should definitely get Red Men on Chicago crosswalks.

Daisy: Yes, and they are delish.

JMH: Oh, you. Pssh. Flatterer. I believe that within that subset we can also include the perpetually late and microwave repairmen. Repairpersons.

Jessica: Thanks! I like having you around for my ego sometimes.

FF: I definitely would block your undies when you're down and out. I am an undie-blocker, through and through. Of course, and undie-blocker by any other name would be a cockblocker.

Chris: I am SURE there's one in German, because they have specific words for everything. But I think it's just because I'm nosy.

Ellie: You make it seem like standing in the street eating Cheetos is a heroic feat. I will agree.

Nurse: I miss you.