Monday, August 6, 2012

Gaming On The Red Planet

Hours ago, the Mars Science Laboratory Curiosity touched down on the red planet. And the people rejoiced. With the landing, we were treated to Gameboy Camera quality pictures of the planet's surface.

Mars, apparently.
Boy, you probably said, I sure wish I could walk around on Mars. With the magic of computational videoed gaming machines, you can do just that! So let us take a journey to the ginger of the solar system.

Red Faction: Guerrilla

This game presents a future in which humans are living on a terraformed Mars. But leave it to some dickhead Earthlings to fuck everything up. With resources on Earth becoming ever scarcer, the Earth Defense Force decides to essentially enslave all Martian miners and force them to get all their shit.

What makes this game notable is the fact that you can tear Mars a new asshole. Just hop into a giant mech and just start smashing the hell out of everything in sight. That's why we all want to go to Mars, right?

You want funding, NASA? Walk into the budget meeting with this picture.


 Doom 3

100 and some odd years from now, the mega corporation Union Aerospace Corporation has set up a research facility on Mars. And because it is far from any filthy Earthling interference, the research conducted may be a bit outside what some would call "not evil". During some run of the mill teleportation experiments, the UAC accidentally opens a portal to Hell. Hijinks ensues.

Uh-oh spaghetti-o's!


Zone of the Enders: The 2nd Runner

What is it about Mars and badass robots that make such a cute couple? 

Anyway, one theme that runs through these games is that life on Mars is shit. Again we find ourselves in a war between crappy ol' Earth, and Mars. This game involves some robot dudes fighting other robot dudes and.....alright, this is a Kojima joint so I don't know what the hell is happening. What I do know is this game has beautiful graphics and a stylish form of mech combat that is equal parts ballet and lasers.

Like....I don't even know what the hell is happening here. But just look.


 Mass Effect

You don't spend a lot of time on Mars in Mass Effect (unless you just sort of...don't leave), but it is massively important to the game. It is on Mars, in 2148, that the European Space Agency finds artifacts belonging to an ancient race known as the Protheans. With these discoveries, the human race discovers, not only is it not alone in the universe, but that the Protheans left some sweet ass gear for us to travel the galaxy and meet up with the other species who discovered this Prothean shit, like, ages ago. 

Because colonizing Mars seems soo last week by then, it continues to be a barren wasteland.

"Haven't we discovered an entire planet of nude beaches? Fuck Mars."

And that's the dream, folks. Hopefully, one day, we can discover something on Mars that will allow us to get as far away from Mars as possible. Curiosity is getting us one step closer to that day. 

God bless you, little buddy.



  1. 僕は笑っていて.面白いビデオゲームのブログだな！

    1. あなたはそれの男を知っている！

    2. 誰⁇！混乱で。。。（;￣O￣）

    3. あなたのブログ支援しよう。バカ‼

  2. 面白いの男！ たはそデオゲだ...

    Okay, so I just copy pasted some Kanji, it is no doubt gibberish. I felt left out :(

  3. йыарои дорпнллти уц рщзAugust 21, 2012 at 12:15 AM

    вцйо!!!! Цруашщр ш фыв лщ ЕЩЬЩККЩЦ!!!! УФЕ Ф ЫРШЕ ФТВ ВШУ РФРФРФРФ!!!