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How not to have sex


When we're doing it, whoever we're doing it with, we want to be doing it well. We want to be the best, even. So we pull out all the stops, get creative, try harder, but should we maybe... oh, I don't know, try a little less? Does all sex have to be like somebody's watching and critiquing? Aren't some of our sexiest tricks just a little over the top? Or too much effort? Or kind of gross? Let's streamline our bedroom activity and get rid of some of these duds.


I mean, let's just stop right there and consider what this is called. Have you ever met a sexy teabag? Of course you haven't. Who can honestly say it's worth crouching over your partner's head and dangling your tackle over them like the world's least scenic cable-car? Really? Does it feel that good? The answer is no. Once it's over - who decides when it's over? Do you set a timer? - you have to clamber off them and get back to what you were doing, as if nothing has happened. Think of all the stuff you could be getting up to if you weren't squatting down while a tongue jabbed unenthusiastically at your knackers. Come on. We need to get the word out there that having your balls sucked in any position - even if you're on a very comfortable sofa in a tastefully decorated hotel - does not actually feel that good. It just doesn't. No more of this.

Convoluted positions

Is there anything more cringe than someone who bangs on about how amazing the reverse cowgirl is? Or boasts that they can do half of the Kama Sutra in one night. Penetrative sex doesn't get more exciting the more complicated you make it - it's still just a load of in and out, after all - and if you're too busy concentrating on getting one leg behind your head or achieving total synergy or whatever then the important bit is going to suffer. There are plenty of positions you can try that are easy to get into and actually feel good, but if you need to balance a book on their arse to make sure you're doing it right, it's a pass.

Expecting reciprocation

Sex is about the give and take, apparently, but you know what? Sometimes, it's OK not to take. If the only reason you're pulling all your best moves is to get something spectacular in return then I have some bad news: disappointment awaits. It's a bit like Christmas presents - you shouldn't give to receive. Basically what I'm saying here is just because you went down on them for half an hour doesn't mean you should expect a lengthy blowjob back. It's OK to carry it over for next time or, you know, just give generously.

Wet kissing

Who tells the sloppy kissers that it's sexy? Was there a memo? No. If they're having to break away from your kissing to wipe their mouth on the back of their hand - or a pillow case if it's a saliva monsoon - then you're kisses are too wet. I tell you who else gives big slobbery kisses: the dog. Do you want to be as sexy as the dog?

The 69 position

Let's just break this myth here and know that the 69 position is in no way sexy, pleasurable, fascinating or useful. At least one of you is upside down, you're giving the worst oral sex of your life because you can't concentrate and you're thrusting away at their head wildly in an effort to actually feel something.

Unless you're exactly the same proportions or very flexible, someone is getting a rough deal, and as a time-saving exercise it's seriously flawed. Oh, and put out of your mind any idea that a 69er is exotic. Willingness to perform the 69 may make people think you're "dirty" or "up for it" but, seriously, it hasn't been avant-garde or kinky since Cleopatra pulled the oldsoixante-neuf switcheroo on Caesar. It's the most pedestrian peccadillo ever.

Shouting out "Daddy!"

Honestly. It doesn't even work that well in porn, where they can pretty much say or do anything and you'll suspend your disbelief. Daddy is what under-tens call their dad - not what you want to hear your partner scream at you during sex because they just spotted a grey hair in your eyebrows.

Pulling hair




Blowjob techniques

Please tell your partner to stop reading magazines that say they've got a "new trick" when it comes to blowjobs. It will be something stupid and over-thought, like humming - don't - or some complicated sequence of tongue-flicks, looking in the eye, shoulder rolls and panting that are supposed to heighten the experience. All they do, in fact, is distract from what should be one of the most simple acts in the world. Put it in your mouth, be enthusiastic enough without causing actual bodily harm and, most importantly, stop using your bloody teeth. No man likes this. In return, we promise not to push down on your head while you're doing it - we don't want you to chuck up on our killer abs, do we? No.


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This article originally appeared on gq-magazine.co.uk

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