I'm Right

« December 2005 »

Memo to those who may doubt: I'M RIGHT.

No, this is not just a cheesy redux of Monday's past glories column. These are actual follow-ups to actual things I've talked about in the past, new developments that further support my case.

For example. I have said, after mounting evidence in this very space, that Tennessee is the dumbest state in the Union. From the elderly mob that wished it could get up the gumption to lynch an atheist, to the annual celebration of the conviction in the Scopes Monkey trial, Tennessee has been a regular participant in this space since Day 9.

Further proof for you Texas, Arkansas, or Louisiana boosters comes in the form of Jessica Sandy Booth, of Memphis, Tennessee. Home of Graceland and very dumb people.

Now, normally, I avoid "stupid criminal" stories like the plague in these parts, unless the criminal is an elected official. Haw Haw Lookit The Dumb Crook stuff isn't worth my time. But Booth gives me another excuse to laugh at Tennessee, and she's dumb even by dumb criminal standards.

Booth, according to authorities, tried to hire a hit man to take out four other Memphis residents. The "hit man" she hired, however, was an undercover cop. Which makes me happy, honestly. I'd thought all the undercover cops had been reassigned to "fourteen year old boy in chat room" duty years ago.

What makes Booth dumbworthy, though is why she wanted the hit in the first place. Booth was under the impression that the four individuals, who lived together, were in possession of a large quantity of cocaine. She believed this because she had seen a white block in the house. And she wanted it, so she figured she'd hire someone to kill everyone in the house, take the Peruvian marching powder, and bring it to her. One small flaw in her plan, however.

The white block was queso fresco. Cheese. Now, I know science education in this country is in a woeful state. And I know it's even more woeful in the South. And pushing the physical capacity of woemometers in Tennessee. But when an eighteen year old Tennessee woman mistakes curd for coke, I can't help but think some children are still being left behind.


"I said I'd abide by the will of the voters, obviously, and they've spoken. I'm at peace with their decision — and disappointed." - Spokane mayor James "Go" West.

Jim West, of course, is the famous closeted gay mayor who got caught trolling the Internet for hot young manmeat, then offering said manmeat internships and perks. One manmeat turned out to be an undercover reporter, there was a recall election, and that, as they say, is how the West was lost.

Lost 65-35, too, proving by a 30 point margin that I was right to think he was an asshole. Of course, I'd love to think that all of the 65 voted the way they did because West abused his office and was a huge anti-gay hypocrite in public, but I'm guessing he got some of the Phelpsian crossover vote on that one. But that doesn't mean we can't relish the parting words of a man caught with an office PC full of extracurricular evidence:

"I loved every minute of being mayor of Spokane." I bet you did, Jim. Wonder how many keyboards you went through.