A trio for self destruction: self-hatred, anxiety, and depression

Source of writing www.naturalempathiser.com – feature photo by pixabay

There are so many varied and dimensional discoveries and theories, both psychologically and neurologically, that are coming to light in this post-modern society.

The way these issues are addressed and handled can be more disabling than enabling for many individuals in some instances, having more of a detrimental impact on their mental health, sometimes unnecessarily

Two of the most commonly experienced mental health and wellbeing issues are depression and anxiety.  Two words that were once aliens in a literal sense to myself, but something I experienced on a regular basis, unaware and unable to express and communicate 20 years or even 2 years ago.

I used to be so ignorant in relation to mental health but through time, experiences, awareness, and insights from those that have been able and willing to teach, has provided a platform for myself to gain a broader understanding, to the literal words, hopefully allowing for more effective personal growth and emotional intelligence

I am now able to communicate with better word choices, my emotions, and feelings, but can still be extremely challenging at times with certain personality types, or for reasons unknown.

My journey into mental health has been a challenging one but has taught many a lesson, and has allowed for a deeper appreciation and awareness of the words, meanings, and feeling attached to anxiety and depression.

I believe when one’s mindset gets stuck in this way of thinking, self-hatred can be unavoidably self-destructive to many.

Depression can be a horrible, morbidly despising way of thinking for some who can relate to the neurological narcissistic cycle, that anyone can become a victim to at times.

For some, it may be unavoidably necessary or relevant for self-growth, but the damage done and the fight those individuals have to endure simply to survive, can be substantial, who suffer a depression the majority will never be able to understand but can empathise with.

For those that suffer depression, the skills, support, methods, and techniques taught by others and oneself, that are necessary to stay skating on the circumference of your black hole as you ride out another storm, are essential

Every skill to help aid or counteract the disorder or disability is a resource that needs consistent evaluation and consideration, not necessarily explainable or taught, by anybody bar ones-self at times.

There are many techniques or methods that work for some, but not others, therefore, it’s worth keeping an open mind and keep trying until you find the ones that work for your individual, one size doesn’t fit all as they say, so go find what does.

My old methods and techniques don’t work the way they used to, so I am currently finding new ones,  or adapting old ones such as writing, which spawned the website, ‘natural empathiser’

I have managed to gain a better understanding of many things that once caused so much damage and confusion to myself or what used to once be foreign waters.  Through research and peoples word I began removing stereotypes and false meaning, through my own personal experiences and those of others.

Allowing me to see where I was once blind, how detrimental for any individuals mental health and well being, depression and anxiety can be.  More often than not Self-hatred is added to the mix which can be your best and worst critic, but more often than not, it is the worst of them all depending on your perception.

Self-hatred to me is linkable to stress, fear, and pity as they all appear to carry negative vibes, outlooks, and outcomes.  When someone first hears, see’s or feels these negative emotions or words, it can temporarily blind their ability to see things so clearly, as they settle their own emotional reactions and thoughts, back to a level of comfort.

Possibly leading to incorrect or misinterpretations with regards to the exchanges of communications or event, because of the emotional feelings and responses, influencing or interfering with how people view or interpret it.

I fear the trio that is anxiety, depression, and self-hatred the most, because in that mindset where I’m skating the circumference of my black hole, sometimes becoming trapped within myself, emotionally detaching from external influences, retreating from the reality I am struggling to cope with, back within myself.

I seem to have a very special, but infuriating for some, skill where I seem to manage to push all the right buttons to rub someone up the wrong way, without even realising, meaning or trying to.

I can make you angry and feel so many unbelievably confusing invigorating amount of emotions in one go, when I am riding the storm of self-hatred and loathing, disliking and being dissatisfied with one thing after another.

When someone is stuck in a self-hatred and loathing way of thinking and behaving, the individual could take something as simple as ‘you need to treat yourself better’ in a self-destructive and critical mindset.

The problem there is, that more often than not the person making the statement has observed something you may or may not have been, oblivious or able at the time to notice, and had your best interests at heart.

It doesn’t mean this is always the case, or that it has to be, but depending on the way our mindset is and their outlook at that moment, influence and determine what we take from the words.

The person may not even know you have interpreted the words the way you have, that’s why we communicate is it not? The person may not have intentionally meant for whatever actions or issues that stemmed from it to have taken place.

What may be helpful when a misunderstanding or communication problem has taken place, is to reflect on the event where the incident happened, allowing yourself to become more aware of what went wrong. 

This opens opportunities for lessons to be learnt from the event that transpired, hopefully, so they are not repeated again in the future. 

It is important to become more aware because ignorance to oneself and others can be the most disabled individual, depending on opinions or perceptions,  Through time, insights and future learnings and understandings, at least decisions or actions can be, changed, learnt or rectified in some sense or another.

Another way of thinking which I find more fitting to myself, is I haven’t had access to the services able to teach and educate in the ways, that would be most beneficial and resourceful.

Unfortunately, I do not have access to the resources or have the insight, knowledge and educational experience, to be able to teach myself.  Therefore  I haven’t learnt the consistency yet when it comes to one’s self, or how to even take my own needs into consideration, but I plan to learn how to.

It is how you evolve and grow as an individual throughout life’s progress that matters most.  We all make mistakes but depending on whether we choose to learn or be ignorant to them, determines the path one chooses to walk.

Depression affects the interceptions of other peoples reactions to situations and circumstances which is something, that is just maintaining the depression, I will explain further to reiterate my point.

If you use your eyes, almost as if peering through the looking glass, with only a depressive lens, interpreting the actions of others in a negative mindset, unbalanced you are more than likely just making the other person or persons in the conversation, want to agree.

This in a sense is forcing, manipulating and influencing there actions and reactions.  I believe knowing what information is relevant to ones-self is the key to answering many an individual’s personal questions.

As I said the persons or person, probably hasn’t even said or necessarily meant any of this to stem from it.  They may or may not be, implying this is your fault but, that is down to individual interpretations and implications.

Possibly not even, and more commonly not your natural reaction, but bare in mind that the person is only giving observation through the lens, or lenses, they have available and the ability, or access to use them.

I believe that can manifest from consideration and empathy because they have been considerate enough and taken the time to make one-self aware to something they may have originally been unaware of. (people do help the people)

Anxiety and depression have so many linkable overlapping symptoms, treatment and causes that telling them apart can be quite challenging and frustrating for all parties involved.  Something worth remembering is that it’s not unusual to be simultaneously suffering both.

When said to be depressed, one may appear muted, dull, low, slowed down thoughts and reactions. Whereas with anxiety you may appear jittery, everything is heightened or on edge, everything can become more sped up and appear more extremely reacted to.

I never used to understand mental health, many moans, rants and moons ago I thought depression was an excuse, autism was someone with visible disabilities, I used to be so ignorant.

When it comes to depression and anxiety with myself, at times I find my brain heightens whilst my body appears depressed, having knock-on effects.  What I have been learning to do in order to better one’s self is that anxiety is related to fear and survival and is more problematic when out of proportion to the stressors. (grip stress)

Looking into  Generalised anxiety disorder highlights issues such as poor confidence and thinking there worthless which could transpire into Harmful symptoms, with long-term implications

We go around in our little bubbles doing our things, not a care in the world, but once something is pointed out that bubble can be burst, and there within (one’s-self), lays the problem that is my constant focus.  I believe that fundamentally, the thing that matters the most is as follows….,

The bottom line to me is not the actual mistake it’s self but the lessons taught and how we bounce back, that is the important and admiral point to remember.

How we raise that bar from this moment or any and so forth, determines the course of our next actions, that more often than not, are totally unpredictable but predictable in some senses. 

Every tough situation that I have ever been to where I hit a brick wall, I gently or forcibly remind myself of this, to bring me back to reality, intentionally bursting my bubble 

“When you get moments in time where you can be truly reflective and uninterrupted, grab them with both hands, cherish and nurture every second as it will never be wasteful but always insightful.”

I get a lot from these moments, putting the pieces together, altering and reshaping and seeing what can be created.  In these periods of time when able, I have time to gather my thoughts and appreciate everything relevant (a decluttering and organising phase of sorts), noticing things that I may, or may not have missed. 

I’m most reflective though when listening to words and music that resonate with my soul, where the words inspire and I have freedom internally to let the words flow without prejudice.

The majority of the time I am able to take enjoyment out of the other person’s mentality or infatuations, even if it’s not my interest, as it can be infectious if desired or influenced. I’m known as an emotion feeder in some senses, nicknamed a ‘feeder’ by one in another sense, as I appear to influence and feed off others emotions whether intentionally or not.

I can be an emotion feeder in a negative way when my mindset is filled with self-hatred, anxiety, and depression.

I came to the realisation some time ago that everybody needs something to believe in, something that gives a hopeful snug, safe and secure feeling. I believe it is embedded in our natural primitive self when we lose faith in what we have chosen, to believe in. 

The results vary dramatically from slightly altering to catastrophic or revolutionary, no one really knows the impact or the effect until the event takes place.  How do we learn and relate to things that don’t happen personally to one’s self, is through empathy, compassion, and understanding? 

Depression affects the way we intercept  and interpret ourselves and other peoples way of thinking and behaving in situations or circumstances that, if the person was in their right mind, they would have handled or behaved differently . 

Because of this way of thinking with a negative, overly critical or desperate outlook,  it just maintains and feeds the depression.  Therefore, causing the individual scales to remain unbalanced, making their goal of equilibrium that much harder

When using your eyes, you are looking through your own unique lenses that are tailored to fit the individual, so everyone sees the world differently.  Thinking in an analogical way where words fail at times, use visual aids and pictures to describe. 

When we are looking at life through a depressive lens, it can impact and affect others mental health as well as your own, or the way they understand or think.  When interpreting the actions of others through this lens, you will be influencing or in fact making them appear, to want to agree with what you say. 

Later after the individual’s reflection, they realise they do not in fact agree,.  Maybe they will voice this if they ever get the chance or feel comfortable enough to do so, or they may keep them words internally thought, never necessarily being outwardly spoken, so how do we learn from the words we may never hear.

Common sense would say we could learn from all senses available for use at the time, there are five in total but not everyone has them all which are, sight, taste, smell, hearing, and touch.

When we become so attached to our ideologies, we run the risk off being influenced by negative energy that we may, in fact, be manifesting.  Regardless of ones mindset evolution will continue with or without the words we say. 

When words said, in a way leaving no confusion or debate about there intention or current thought process, where descriptions are leaving no room for misinterpretations you can be labeled or considered, aggressive, so how do you change that?

How do you control what you outwardly show, where you don’t feel like a wolf in sheep clothing? 

Aggression is always associated with me but I’m never violent unless attacked, I precipitate and replicate your energy in an extremely worded and expressional way, but its done internal, without effort, then meticulously executed like a song which is soul destroying and exhausting, a complete contrast to the norm (disabled).  

So what is aggression seriously, I can mimic all aware and seen emotions but, trying to learn the systematic or processing way it is done for true understanding and self-teaching, is a headache and a path leading to self-destruction at times it seems to appear.

When our scales become so wonky and unbalanced your only hope for survival is achieving an equilibrium that is most definitely a clinical issue when you might be about to alter your path and learn the most heart-breaking, self-discoverable revelations that may be too late in one sense, but not the ones that matter. 

As soon as time passes to the millisecond, it becomes past tense.  I know this because I am forever stuck in the past and future so often I forget, miss my present and have to reflect back to the moment, I’m’ tired of this so time to change, shift my compass to a new direction, ride a different wave. 

Time to go practice what I preach and come back to my ‘present’….