Last Takes to Midnight | The Nib : Ep. 203 | Topic

Oh look, another mass
shooting… That makes three
this week. I’m starting to feel
hopeless! And it’s only Tuesday. Very depressing! Now obviously
isn’t the time to talk about gun
control. No, of course not! If you make guns
illegal, a good guy with a gun
couldn’t stop the shootings! Let’s be realistic! Doing something- Heyyyyy guys. Just FYI, okay, looks like
there’s another gunman in the
break room. We think it’s Jeff from accounts
receivable. Might want to go offsite
for lunch today. After the whole “death-counselling”
rigamaroll. Jeff, the guy who’s always
posting the pepe memes
in the office Slack channel? Ohhhh, alt-right Jeff! The meme
guy. OK, well I’ll leave you to it.
Thoughts and prayers, guys! Thoughts and prayers. Do you think he shot the fridge?
My lunch is in there. Maybe a food truck will show up if
the body count’s high enough to
make the news. Where was I? Oh yeah: Doing
something about guns will only
make things worse! Absolutely. Can’t politicize a
tragedy. Especially while it’s
happening. U.S. Armed Forces have values
that obey a higher standard. We’re protecting the world by
maintaining 800 overseas,
military bases. In 2017, U.S. Special Forces
units commanded operations
in a record 149 countries. That’s more than 70% of nations
in the world. Our overseas troop deployments
are at their lowest in 60 years. thanks to “predator
drones” that shoot “hellfire
missiles.” Absolutely normal things
to name weapons and definitely not
a sign that we’re the bad guys. Don’t worry, they were probably
“terrorist adjacent.” We actually bombed
seven countries last year. Bet you can’t even name them.
It’s amazing. We’ve been bombing Afghanistan
for sixteen years now! In 2018, Congress plans to rev
up the military budget by
$85 billion. That increase alone is more than
the cost of Medicare or the entire
military budget of France. Up to half of that insanely
enormous amount of money
won’t go to troops or training. We plan to funnel it directly
into the pockets of big defense
contractors. What Military-Industrial-
Complex? More like the Military-
Gravy-Train-Complex! America is number one
in military spending. Too bad we can’t drink bombs. We spend six times as much on
the military as we do on
infrastructure. But who needs drinking water or
roads when you’ve got an empire
to maintain? Don’t ask me, I’m just here to pay
for college. Welcome to Sunday Hot Takes:
Where opinions thrive,
and real news dies! Whoopsie! President Trump tried to
order a Diet Coke and launched
our nuclear arsenal instead. We’re all going to die
momentarily. But first,
some hot takes! Retired general? Bold leadership by Trump. Once the Chinese see us
annihilate ourselves, they’ll feel pretty stupid for
manipulating their currency. The takes will kill me if the
bombs don’t! Contrarian journalist, say
something idiotic before we
melt. No doubt this would have been
far worse under warmonger
Hillary Clinton, who may I remind you used
emails – (screaming) Michael… finish that
thought… (mumbling)…emails… Yeah! Super mutant muscles
reporting for duty! Next up. Are mutations
pre-existing conditions?
I say- (gurgle) Ooo, this looks healthy.
And sexy? Look, hon, it says no GMOs.
That’s good, right? You like healthy things. I heard on the Facebook that
GMOs are Frankenfoods that
mutate Ugh, mom. Hating on GMOs
is so 2006. In my bio 101 class we learned
that science says they don’t
cause cancer or mutations. Everyone is freaking out about
GMOs, but they’re not the
problem. They’re not? No! Duh! The problem is corporate control
of agriculture! Monsanto, Dow, and Bayer grow
GMO crops as monoculture, wantonly killing native plants
and decreasing biodiversity! PLUS they use a massive amount
of industrial fertilizers and
pesticides, And you know they’re not paying
living wages or for safety gear
for farmworkers! The homogenization of crops
makes all our food susceptible
to disease. If a fungus came along that
killed Monsanto corn—POOF! Our corn supply would evaporate.
CHAOS! FAMINE! And they patent their seeds and
sell them to farmers at
exorbitant rates, locking them into a cycle of
debt. And don’t even get me started
on the politics!! Those big companies pressure
congress to pass subsidies for processed foods and
corn-syrup junk! Meanwhile, small farmers can’t
even make a dime growing
vegetables and low income people can’t
afford healthy food! Gah! It’s all a massive
corporate grift that these
monopolies are pulling on us! Yaagghhh!!! [panting] So…uh, the soup isn’t
problematic? Oh, no! It’s made by Sweet Earth
Foods— —which is owned by Nestle, which buys cocoa beans from
plantations which I read use
child slavery! What are you pro-slavery? Ooh, heavens no! Duh, mom, that’s why you
have to read the label.

45 Replies to “Last Takes to Midnight | The Nib : Ep. 203 | Topic”

  1. The teenage girl clip at the end is literally my sister, you can’t take her shopping without her saying “Omg it has sugar no, can’t eat it, not even once I’ll die for sure”

  2. Since we have enough nuclear weapons to destroy the entire world many times over, and since the entire world loves us (especially Russia, who are Trump's good buddies) why do we need a bigger military? To defend us from who? Oh, that's right, the Mexicans.

  3. Like oh my gosh, your show is like, totally making fun of liberals? And like your show totally has a liberal spin? What is this? Like, no one is allowed to, like, laugh at themselves. The world would, like, explode or something.

  4. I love The Nib!!! It’s awesome. It’s like tailored commercial to me. I love everything about it. The sarcasm, the liberal viewpoints. 🤣🤣🤣🤣

  5. Infrastructure is our country’s arteries . Americans are the only ones that can keep them healthy. Our country is crumbling at the seams. I really wonder what’s the end game here… and also notice how not one politician discusses Infrastructure. Because it empowers us more than we know

  6. I have watched five show so far. And it’s definitely a liberal spin show. Mixing lies with true till you don’t know what’s real or fake. I love cartoons. But this thing is not funny. Mostly just a lot of cringe. Hard to watch propaganda. Liberals are bored of losing politics. So they need a laugh. I get it. At least their not doing politics…. lol we should have done this to Obama he needed a swift kick in the balls daily. Probably still does..

  7. What I find absolutely amazing is all I repeat all of this happy horseshit was happening under Obama it was just that the amounts of money were slightly different. ( The medical lobby made a trillion off of Obamacare)

    Where the hell was all your moral outrage then??

    Oh that's right everything was peachy keen under the magic negro messiah.

    I forgot to read that memo

  8. Hey how about a sketch about Israel that be funny you can show the rabbis in the dark planning the future of the goyim funny no. Hey I get it take all the guns away from the dumb Americans then we have steak knives and Hand Grenades like in England and Germany oh yeah sorry I shouldn't point that out not good. It does make it tough, and what about those people who might hit and kick and spit, though then what are we? yeah it's a good plan you're well thought-out the monkey.

  9. Good but they are pretty biased. Some of it is just haha I hate right wingers. And in their add it shows them making fun of them liberals but never contemplates themselves being dumb.

  10. Why do mass shootings only happen in the US? Not because of the guns but the dipshits we let have guns. We need gun control, but we need it in a different way.

  11. In most of mass shootings nobody actually dies, a mass shooting is three people or more being injured, not to say that it's not a bad thing, but there are more deaths by knife than by guns, also we need guns, and you don't realize how many gun laws there are, also the Constitution and stuff and the fact that if we ever hope to fight against our corrupt government, we need a secret rebellion with guns, otherwise they are useless, and yes our government is corrupt

  12. Civilians could buy an automatic weapon like a machine gun or assault rifle like any other gun until 1986 but mass shootings were virtually nonexistent until the last 20 or so years. Guns obviously aren't the problem

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