Hail to the Clueless! (Thursday)

(Start with "Monday" if you can. I know I will. I'm always curious to see what I wrote.) So, what were we talking about? Oh right. My depth of cluelessness on a number of topics and the dopy (yes, clueless) things our relatives and friends say to us on the ultra-sensitive "infertility" topic.

My next contribution to my cluelessness catalogue is my short-term memory issue. I have no short-term memory. This can prove embarrassing. 

In a previous post I mentioned that I work heavily with the public. Somebody could scream, curse, threaten me with my own stapler and storm out of there.

Ten minutes later they're back and they don't even look familiar to me until they pick up the stapler again. The stapler being waved in my face... I feel like I've seen that somewhere before. 

I've read that of all evidence gathered during an investigation, the police try to rely least on eye witness testimony because it tends to be the most unreliable evidence.

I'm living proof of that. I'd be totally useless at a trial. I could watch someone beat down your car with a tire iron for a half hour, make a video of it, and still swear in a court of law I never saw them before in my life.

If I didn't get the hint by which table they were sitting at, I might just as well finger you as being the perpetrator.

So here are more dopy things people say to those who can't conceive and my responses. Feel free to use them. Though you may feel it necessary to be politer than I.

Dumb statement #1:

"Oh, I don't have that problem. My husband just looks at me and I get pregnant."

Possible Response #1)  Prove it.  Telepathic Insemination you say?. Let's see him on "America's Got Talent". If he can impregnate Sharon Osbourne, then I'll believe it.

Possible Response #2) I've heard he's always looking at women online. I wonder how many cyberspace kids he has.

"You're focusing too much on getting pregnant. You have to think about something else."

Okay, now I'm focused on you being an imbecile and the snacking I could be doing instead of wasting my time with this little chat.

"Maybe you just weren't meant to be a parent"

I'm sure I wasn't meant to be doing any job I've ever had, but I did them anyway.

"All you have to do is relax and you'll get pregnant"

I don' t know. I'm pretty relaxed during sex. I've even fallen asleep once or twice. So far, nothin'.

"I wish I had your problem. I get pregnant too easily."

Then my friend, it's time to tie it, burn it, or dip it in cement. 

"You should adopt. My friend's friend's sister-in-law adopted and then she got pregnant."

I've heard that happens a lot. I've always wondered, maybe you'd be the person to ask: They start with no kids and then adopt and then get pregnant, so, not to be crass, but I've always wanted to know: What do they do with the extra kid?

Listen I gotta go. I've been thinking about those snacks I could be eating since I wrote that line a half hour ago.

I'll talk with ya again tomorrow.  Be sure to check out clinical social worker Ellen Glazer's article in "Health Experts" this week: "Stress Causes Fertility" http://laughingisconceivable.com/?page_id=642