Screw you, Steven Spielberg

{Editor's Note: Spoilers ahead. Even though they are transparent in the script, I do talk about them. You have two choices: don't see the movie or don't see the movie.)

I just got home from watching a two hour train wreck of a movie called “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.”

I went in with low expectations, just so that I could leave with a little bit of happiness. I set my low expectations way too high.

I almost walked out. Twice. But I had to wait and see if this malignant tumor of a film might suddenly go into remission. Instead it metastasized and the projector in the next theater over melted.

The level of disbelief suspension necessary to even begin to digest this film is incalculable. From the four minute mark in, the movie is virtually unwatchable. The script is forced. The plot was as transparent as the crystal alien skull. Every other Indy line tries to be funny and clever, but falls flat. Oh yeah, there is no kingdom.

The worst part about all this is that I am being forced to remember the film so that I can write about it. Instead, I am going to stop writing about it here and drop a few f-bombs:

Spielberg – you f'ing suck
Screenwriter Koepp – f-you, dick
Lucas- I’m not sure what you had to do with this film, but f-you, too.

I will end with this- As the credits began to roll, Chris, John and I had these comments to each other:

"To show the blooper reel at the end of the film, all they would need to do is show the film again."

"Aliens, why’d it have to be aliens."

"It was so bad that my popcorn oil curdled half way through the film."

"I saw “Alan Smithee” in the credits 47 times."

"The script was so bad that Sean Connery turned it down to do a remake of Highlander 2."

"At least they were able to reuse the models from Independence Day."

"This movie made “Temple of Doom” look like Schindler's List."


Anonymous said...

Thanks for the spoiler warning, asshole.

Doug said...

Hey pal, here's your spoiler warning: IT SUCKS!!

Anonymous said...

OMG! Now I know where I got 'sucks ass' from! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!! LOL

As soon as I heard that movie had Aliens in it, I decided it wasn't worth my time. What a bunch of dumb-asses. Aliens? For the love of mike!
I am 99% sure I won't even wait until it hits the 'redbox' dollar rental to see it. No Thanks! It will tarnish the memory of the last three Indiana movies.
Thank you Jerkwads in Hollywood!

Anonymous said...

I left this picture with a splitting headache and after several minutes during the drive home, I realized the source: I'd been clenching my teeth in anger for the past 2 hours. This piece of crotch-stench doesn't just grab the laws of physics and laugh in its face, it paints embarrassing clown makeup on it and prances it around the room, pausing every step to give it a severe kick in the ass. One review I read compared the movie to a Disneyworld ride--that person is right, especially when you remember that there were deaths involved on Disney rides a little while back. Keep in mind, kids, this is a film so bad even Sean Connery turned it down, and that greedy fuck will do just about anything.

Anonymous said...

sean connery didnt turn this down for any reason other than the fact that hes been retired for a couple years now. jesus people, a little research wouldnt kill you

Anonymous said...

"a little research wouldnt kill you"

A sense of humor wouldn't kill you either.