I see beauty in so many things and few people but the one thing that really moves me is music, the lyrics, the beat, the intensity of a song. Music surrounds me and makes me feel every emotion that I have, music touches my soul, pulls the tears from my eyes and puts a smile on my face. Music is my leader, my captor as well as my thief-it makes me feel happy when I feel nothing, it makes me cry when I need to release my pain, it makes me remember those of long ago that are now far away.

Music is my savior, my guide, my friend and who could ask for more than that? The art of man is expressed in so many ways but I do find music to have a place, a space in my life and it fills me with joy more often than not. I cannot sing, o no even the dogs howl when I attempt to sing and my attempts are futile and scary as hell but I love to sing regardless. I sing in the shower because no one can hear me and if the singing brings on tears, no one can see not even me.

Music makes me want to move, it promotes the sexual side of me and it touches my soul, music can heal the broken heart but it also can break a healed heart.

The Funnies Of Childhood

I was thinking of some of the funniest things that happened in my childhood and the first memory is of my uncle lighting his farts on fire through his jeans, ya pretty crazy shit especially when that single thread catches on fire, lmao. We used to get into a fifty gallon metal container and roll down the hill never thinking we would hit the witches finger tree but of course did and crawled out of the container as if we were drunk.

I so loved to swing on the tire swing and my brother and sister would spin me to the point the rope wouldn’t turn any longer and they would let go, I would gain momentum as I unwound and ended up falling out of the tire as if I were seriously stoned on acid. Another time that makes me laugh is when my sister and I were sitting on a swing on the porch and I caught something out of the corner of my eye moving, it was a snake and my sister actually pissed herself, lmao.

When you are a child you do some stupid shit like pulling your sweater over the palm of your hand and trying to lift the electric wire to go under it and realize the sweater doesn’t protect you, ya a bit of a shock it was. As children we are so innocent and naive that we are not prepared for things that happen and we wonder at times why, the best part of life is as a young child when we are shaped by our family and the world, how we react to situations and others, how we start to put the building blocks in place which shape our lives.

My fondest memories were the years between 5-7 when I lived with my grandparents, living on a farm taught me so much and to appreciate life in its simplest yet strongest form, the land. When you are raised on a farm you are raised quite differently than those that are not and they cannot understand why living on a farm would be so happy, so carefree, a teacher, a friend for life. You can go back and look at how far you have come and how successful you are but the heart, yes the heart will always be called back home by the land.

A memory that is so fitting to my sister is when we were taking a bath, we actually lived in a 3 room house with no running water or plumbing and my grandmother heated water on the cast iron wood burning stove and would pour the water, which came from the pump into the tub in the middle of the kitchen. My sister and brother  were in the tub with me and all of a sudden there was a floater, a big floater and my sister blamed my brother but the truth came out about 35 yrs. later and she finally admitted it was her floater, so typical of my sister.

I was once walking on a fallen tree and fell off and landed on a piece of wood with a huge nail threw it that went threw my foot, my grandmother pulled it out and made me soak my foot in epsom salt, which actually helped and I didn’t get blood poisoning, I can also remember how my sister wanted to play superman by having a rope thrown over the top of our swingset and had me pull her up and I was smaller than her and she almost reached the top and I couldn’t hold her any longer and dropped her and she broke her arm.

Kids can do some stupid shit but those are the memories that sustain us through out our lives and those memories are the ones that call us home.

Death Of A Conman

I think most people have been conned either by their friends or a stranger and I am no exception. This is how I met this person, he conned me and laughed at me each and every time he got more money from me. I was nothing but another stupid bitch to him and then one day that all changed, we became friends and yes I know that this is an odd way to start a relationship with someone but that is how I got connected to him.

I used to think we were soul mates but I no longer believe that and I do not regret my experience with this person and I have learned so much from him. You have to know when to throw it and when to fold it and walk away before you are swallowed in your entirety. I can see it’s long overdue for folding and I am not only folding but putting it away with the rest of the shit I need to cleanse from my life. I do not harbor ill feelings towards him but he has become the square peg trying to fit into a round hole.

I once thought we would possibly meet while I am in Nigeria but I no longer consider that even an option to waste time thinking about. There will be no room in my life for him during my trip and I can no longer hold onto coat tails that do not exist. I had convinced myself that he actually did love me but once again I was full of shit because I have led myself to believe the lie. He drops hearts for another and that is what shook me to my core and woke me up.

I will always wish him well even though he doesn’t need it but I have found when you have a good person in your life watching over you, it does help make life a bit better.  I really hope going out with Danny will help me move on from my two past mistakes but one never knows, he may be someone who I just like as a friend. It’s strange how there has been no men in my life and all of a sudden it’s men all over the damn place, not complaining nope not one.

Be Thankful

We take for granted that the sun will shine everyday, the wind will blow and life will always be happy but then one day something changes, people change and things happen that make us look at life differently. When someone tries to kill you, take your very last breath away then and only then do you really appreciate the world and what God has given us. When someone tries to take you life the sheer terror of what you feel cannot be described so others can really understand it.

It’s like when I lost my husband, no one knows how I feel unless they have lost their spouse and it’s far more than the death of a person, it’s a death of your life as you knew it, it’s the death of all your security and who you once were. Men define themselves by their work and I was defined by being a wife and mother and when he died, who was I was the first question that came to my mind, where did I belong and where was my life headed.

There is no way to explain to someone who has never experienced a close to death experience and no one can heal that feeling within us. You trust someone, someone you have known your entire life or just a friend you have known for a few years, yet you have a trust in them and you never fathom that they would try to kill you. When they make their attempt, you lie there in shock and dismay, you cannot wrap your mind around what they are doing but the fear for your life is incomparable to anything you have ever felt.

Things happen for a reason and when my son tried to kill me it woke up the deep spirituality within myself, it woke up a need that must be filled and it woke me up to the fact that life is so very precious and we never know when your number is up and you make the cross over. I have found I am in need of spiritual feeding and I will hopefully find that need filled when I go to Nigeria. I have my plane reservation and thought I had a hotel booked but realized that my booking was in Portugal.

I would hope a friend of mine would find me a cheap hotel because this trip is very expensive for me and I have sacrificed quite a bit to make this trip. I am very low maintenance and do not need luxury nor do I want it because that isn’t what this trip is about. I am hoping to get a hotel but then find someplace reasonable that I can cook and just chill by the pool, I realize the country is dangerous but not anymore dangerous than Detroit and I do not fear going.

Everyone “finds” themselves in different ways and different places and this trip is huge for me in so many ways and I thank God I have the means to go.