Home Access Safer online banking with a VPN

I’ve got lots of self-love to go around, but if there’s one thing I’m especially proud of, it’s my shapely dock. After that, it’s my unwavering honesty, and lemme tell you, seeing the kind of stuff some other VPN companies shill about VPNs and online banking is enough to make me want to change my last name to Torrance.

So if you’re tired of the lies and the BS, like I am, lemme tell you the honest-to-god truth about online banking. And this applies whether you’re on your phone or laptop, so don’t be getting any smart ideas about your smartphone being somehow immune to this stuff.

Do I need a VPN when I bank online?

The answer, as all good things is... It depends on where you're banking from:

  • If you're banking from home, then, no, you probably don't need one.
  • If you're banking from a public place, then yes. More than you need a new purpose in life.
  • If you're banking from abroad, you'll probably struggle to without a VPN.

Using a VPN to bank from home

If all you're trying to do is bank from home, then no. As a matter of fact, you might be shooting yourself in the foot if you try.

Here’s the thing: banks need to be trusted, because no one’s gonna trust their life savings to the village kleptomaniac. To that end, banks do a pretty good job of making sure their connections are nice and secure, with SSL/TLS encryption (which give the S in the HTTPS of a secure connection in your browser) and a good 2-factor authentication to boot (if you're bank doesn't use 2 factor, get a new bank). And in that case, a VPN is basically redundant: it’s like trying to stop an infamous lock-picker from breaking your lock with a second lock. If he can get through the first one, that second one ain’t going to accomplish much. And trust me: no one’s going to be picking those locks. If someone ever figures out how to, the whole cybersecurity world is going to be in a crap pile so deep it would make medieval London blush.


Rather, when bank data is stolen, it’s because of phishing sites, keyloggers, or some bank employees who skipped the bi annual cybersecurity luncheon and accidentally downloaded malware. In those cases, a VPN can do exactly nothing to help. We’re a privacy tool, not an antivirus.

Speaking of not being able to help, a VPN could actually make your banking even less safe if you have it turned on for no reason. See, a VPN works by bouncing your data across a bunch of servers, right? That technically means your data is both on the bank's server and on the server you’re bouncing through, so if a hacker managed to break into one, batta-bing batta-boom, they’ve got your data.

Any VPN worth their salt wouldn’t let that happen, of course. As a matter of fact, we encrypt our servers to make sure even an unauthorized seizures won't spill your beans. but there are plenty of “free” VPNs that aren’t even worth the table-salt packets they hand out at your local greasy burger distributor. And if you trust them with your data, let’s just say you should get some crutches because sooner or later you’ll be walking funny.

Even if you use the world’s best, safest, sexiest VPN (HMA!, for example), if you bounce your service through somewhere far away — say, Vietnam — when you try to do your online banking, then your bank, bless, is going to think some stranger in Vietnam is trying to hack into your account. All the alarm bells will go off at once and you’ll have to go through a long and painful series of phone calls as you explain to your bank that no, your credentials weren’t stolen, you just accidentally put on your special pants that morning.

So there you have it. When you’re in the comforts of your own home, there ain’t a dang reason to turn on a VPN when you do your banking online.


Don’t think we’re done yet sunshine. First we need to cover the two — count em’, two — cases where you actually do need a VPN.

Public Wi-Fi: literally the worst for banking online

First things first: never, ever do your online banking on public Wi-Fi. Got that?

Sure you like to be seen sipping on avocado lattes in your local hipster cafe while shopping for wooden handlebars or that wine rack for your bike — but you know who else hangs out there? The neighborhood hacker. And he only leaves his mother’s basement for the public Wi-Fi. Not because he needs it (his Wi-Fi at home is much faster), but because that’s where he finds his victims. Can you see where I’m going with this?

I’ve already covered the dangers of public Wi-Fi in detail, but if you haven’t read that one yet, here’s the gist of it: public Wi-Fi is the town hussy of networks. So many people are on it, you’re bound to catch something nasty. Unless you use a VPN for protection.

Unsecured networks open up a whole new world of possibilities for anyone skilled enough to Google “how to hack a PC through Wi-Fi”. Yes, anyone. Are you trying it right now? You are, aren’t you? Long story short, if network eavesdropping is so easy even you could learn to do it — imagine what hackers can get access to. We’re talking all kinds of juicy, valuable information such as credit card numbers, calendar and contact info, and even entire chat histories. And of course, there’s all your passwords too (you’re making it easier for them if you use the same password for all your accounts, by the way).

Without a VPN to encrypt your connection and hide your weird appointments, embarrassing chats, and lame passwords, you’re left buck ass naked like a freshman at a frat party.

Checking in when you’re far from home

Whenever you cross the pond to foreign shores, it’s common sense to tell your bank ahead of time so they don’t lock down your credit card when you try to buy a bus ticket to the unwashed port-a-potty your AirBNB host calls the premium suite. The same logic applies online, but it ain’t always easy or convenient to tell your bank that you’ll be logging into your account to check your balance after a long day of food poisoning.

VPN, then, is a low-hassle way to make sure you can do your finances without your bank’s permission. It’s as easy as connecting your VPN to a server as close to home as possible and working from there: so your bank will still think you’re in the comforts of your own home rather than battling malaria in the jungle.

It also helps in general, as typically the Wi-Fi hotspots you use abroad are less-than-secure. After all, your hotel Wi-Fi might be password-protected, but everyone staying there knows that password, and if they decide to share it with the world there’s not much stopping them except whatever moral guidance their parents may or may not have given them growing up.


Your best safe banking tool: common sense

Let’s paint a picture, shall we? In real life, you’re a responsible citizen. You close your doors, lock up the bike shed, cover the terminal when you’re making a payment. God, it’s beautiful how concerned you are with privacy when it comes to real life — but then you go online, and what happens? You turn into some kind of exhibitionist, spreading whatever you want spread until nothing can be left to the imagination.

So sure, a VPN might not be able to help much when you bank online -- but the good news is that everything you do need to bank safely online is free, and easy to do if you’re not a lazy ponce, like me.

  • Use strong passwords: try a password generator or a passphrase to make sure they’re extra secure, and use different ones for each account you use. Keep them as locked down as a nun’s panties in the strip club.
  • Browse safely: make sure the website you’re visiting is real (which means we don’t follow strange links, kids) and uses an HTTPS address. If it doesn’t, kick it out like it owes you money or it accidentally said it loves you.
  • Use an antivirus: preferably a good one, but hey, you’re free to make whatever mistakes you want.
  • Attachments: like candy, it might be more fun to get from strangers, but it’s always more dangerous. Only download what you trust, and scan it before you open it.
  • Links: does Paypal really need you to authenticate your details? Probably not, but if you want to make sure, go directly to the site; don’t use any links that might be offered.

Sure, it’s not fun or sexy, but if you’ve ever had your money messed with, then you know there’s nothing worse than calling some money-guzzling helpline to report your savings being stolen, and being transferred from person to person until you’re blue in the face. Wouldn’t you just rather play it safe? Unless you’re the most humble thrill-seeker in the world, I mean. Then you go ahead and enjoy the mild adrenaline rush of clicking random links.

Wrapping up

Look, it would be nice if we could sell VPN as your one-stop cure-all for every online headache. I’m sure the guys at HMA! would rather I sell that narrative too. But if you and I are going to have a positive customer-mascot relationship, we gotta trust each other. So I can’t lie to you about what a VPN can’t do, and you promise not to pirate my software with some illegal license, and maybe lay off the donkey milk.

It’s just weird to think you people drink that sometimes.