Thursday, April 7, 2011

To Hair is Human: The Three Categories of "Mom Hair"

Morning Readers,

     Yesterday my sister came to visit. If you didn't know, nine-year old sisters are very honest. And by honest I mean they'll tell you things your husband's afraid to, lest he be shirked in his attempts to crawl to your side of the bed that night. Little sisters tell you things like..

"Paigey,  your bun looks funny."

" Funny? What do you mean kiddo?"

(Giggle) "Look at it."

     If you didn't also know, big sisters rarely think little sisters know what they're talking about, but nonetheless, I smugly sauntered over to the living room mirror and took a gander. Somewhere, in the deep, dark woods, Ted Kaczynski and a peacock had mated. The product of that un-holy union was staring straight back at me. In a rush that morning, I'd thrown my miles of hair up in, what I'd imagined to be, a chic, messy bun. Instead, I'd ended up with Unibomber hair.
     What else does one do with miles of hair though? "Mom hair" is a very sensitive subject, and one which hits most mothers as hard as a baby bite to the nipple. This is mainly due to the fact that ALL mothers fall into one of the following categories. And for you Readers who just slammed your coffee cups in indignation with a "How dare you label me like that, Paige. I'll have you know my hair is very unique" type of indignation, un-bunch your Hane's highwaists and keep reading.

Category 1: The Long Hair Mom

This type of mother (yours truly) keeps her hair as long as those over-grown pythons you read about in Nation Geographic. Slightly frizzy at the ends, with questionable layers, this mom's hair can usually be found in messy buns, ponytails, warrior braids, or any other style that keep strands out of the mouths of children and away from slamming car doors. She's well aware that having long hair is about showing off the fact that she has long hair, but styling it takes time she just. doesn't. have. She usually cries herself to sleep at night.

Category 2:The Short Hair Mom 

A lover of sports, running and functionality, the short-haired mom chooses to crop her hair in a boyish cut, leaving the nape of the neck exposed and herself hoping that she's not growing an unsightly mole back there. A risky move, the short hair can go the fashionable way of Victoria Beckham, or walk the frightening lines of an NFL player. She doesn't care, as she's able to wash it, shake it and get her kids in that Ford Windstar before you've even had your coffee. Being confused with her husband occasionally, is a small price to pay for staying on schedule.

Category 3: The "Perfectly styled at all times" mom

Usually hated by moms in categories 1 and 2, the perfectly styled mom is a freak of nature. She's been up before the crack of dawn blow drying, flat-ironing and applying a mythical thing moms used to refer to as "eye shadow". Once thought to be extinct, the "perfectly styled mom" can be spotted whizzing here and there in her Land Rover; the sweetness of her laughter eclipsed only by the musical "tinkling" of her diamond tennis bracelet. Short and long hair moms usually try and throw things in her hair while she's not looking.

     What to do? I've given it a little thought, and although I may look like a swamp monster from time to time, I'll hold onto my hair. The last time I cut it off, I ended up in a little ball, stroking my bangs and assuring myself that anyone can pull off a paper bag over their head. Although, out of consideration for Husband - who's convinced I'm going to grow it to my heels, braid it, buy Birkenstocks, and sell organic melons door to door - I might consider it. I've never liked melon.

Until Next Time Readers!