Hansel and Gretel: A Modern Adaptation

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there lived Hansel and Gretel, two adults in their-mid twenties who had overstayed their welcome at their parents’ house.

“They’re eating all of our food and never clean up after themselves!” ranted the mother. “We must do something.”

“Is this what we paid all that college tuition for? To have them come right back to us and eat all of our food and make our lives miserable? We have to get rid of them,” the father muttered.

“Here’s what we’ll do: we’ll walk them to the end of the college campus, where there’s a wooded area, and ask them to collect some wood for the upcoming winter. While they’re busy, we’ll run back and knowing their lack of direction, they’ll never be able to find their way back home. We will be free from them forever,” the mother said, pleased with her sinister plan.

The father agreed and both parents fell asleep. Little did they know that Hansel and Gretel had been awake and overheard their entire conversation.

“Don’t worry Gretel. I got this all figured out,” Hansel reassured, while devouring his favorite meal, a whole piece of toast slathered with nutella.

The next morning, the mother stormed into Hansel and Gretel’s room to wake them up, telling them that they need to collect wood for the upcoming winter. Before they left, Hansel stuffed a big bag of M&M’s into his pocket. As they walked toward the woods, Hansel, every now and then, covertly pulled out an M&M and dropped it along the path.

After a few hours of walking, they finally reached the woods where Hansel and Gretel received instructions to collect wood. While Hansel and Gretel ventured through the trees to gather a few twigs, the mother and father hurriedly ran off. Unfazed, Hansel and Gretel reconvened to fathom a way to journey home.

“Gretel! I marked our path home with M&M’s. All we gotta do is follow them!” Hansel exclaimed, in awe of his seemingly brilliant plan.

Hansel and Gretel began to walk, searching for an M&M to guide them. Alas, their effort was futile because the devilish campus squirrels had eaten their guide home. Hansel and Gretel sat upon a rock in a state of dismay. As they were about to fall asleep, they saw the light of a lamppost flicker through the trees.

Hansel and Gretel stood up and followed the light, which led to a tiny, seemingly deserted, cottage. Assuming the cottage was vacant, Hansel and Gretel opened the door and walked in. But facing them was a large, burly, sinister man who glared at them with sly eyes.

“What are you doing in my house?”

“Oh, well, you-you know. We got l-lost an-and just needed a pl-place to stay,” Gretel stammered, terrified of his size.

“Well, what can you do for me?”

“Anything, we’ll do anything,” replied Hansel.

“All right, you man stay for the time being, granted you fulfill my one request. I am a professor and I have a heap of papers to grade as my TA’s are nowhere to be found. You must be harsh and extremely critical about these papers. No student must receive an A.”

With no other option, Hansel and Gretel acquiesced and sat upon the professor’s desk to start grading. Both Hansel and Gretel did what they were told and left unpleasant grades on the papers. A little while later, Gretel came upon a paper like no other—a paper that was written so spectacularly that she could not bear to give it anything less than an A.

“This paper is brilliant. I can’t give it a bad grade. What should I do?” she whispered to Hansel.

“Just do what the professor said. Do you want us to get into trouble?” Hansel replied.

Gretel gave the paper a miserable score and continued grading the rest. After a few hours, Hansel and Gretel finished grading all the papers.

“What should we do now, professor?”

“Ah, you’ve finished. Good! You see that computer over there? Put all the grades into the grade book on that computer. Those things are too complicated and I can never figure them out, so put those grades into that. I don’t know how to do it. I never use that thing anyway, but I’m sure you’re generation can figure it out,” the professor directed, in a tone of both awe and dismay.

Hansel and Gretel sat at the computer where they began recording the grades.

“Wait!” Hansel whispered. “The professor said he doesn’t use the computer, so why don’t we record the grades that the students deserve?”

Gretel agreed, and immediately pulled out the brilliant paper and gave it an A. Hansel followed, giving students grades worthy of their hard work. At last, Hansel and Gretel finished recording the grades, which were much fairer than before. Before shutting down the computer, Hansel thought of an idea to get back home. He went on the Internet and went to Google and mapped his direction home.

The next morning, Hansel and Gretel bade goodbye to the professor and walked back home, where they lived happily ever after with their parents.

3 responses to “Hansel and Gretel: A Modern Adaptation

  1. Jimmy Frisbie

    I was a little perplexed by this story – I was expecting a horrible and cruel death, but they actually lived happily ever after! I like how on the surface, the story is just a cute fairytale. However, the depth of meaning behind it makes the hidden message more impactful. Great story!

  2. Lauren Harrington

    THIS IS THE TRUEST STATEMENT EVER. We constantly sell our soul to get ourselves one step further, for that A grade. It’s becoming MORE important than ever to be a student, and MORE important than ever to be the BEST student. It’s a vicious cycle.

  3. Emma Shellhamer

    Love the squirrel comment…. love it. And the professor’s personality, haha. Doesn’t it feel like that’s how they think sometimes? I really enjoy reading your stories and again, I love the references that are so relevant to everyone (nutella, eating so much food, Google, etc…). They add a dimension to the story that makes the reader feel both involved and connected to the plot. Can’t wait to read the next one!

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