Exit Poll; and Well ... ahhhh


Wake from sound night's sleep when alarm rings. My, it's early. Yawn! Never mind; rising with the lark keeps the old brain sharp. Time to rise and shine. Get up off floor and clamber into bed.

No, that's not right. Get out of bed.

Shower and shave. Then get dressed. Shorts on: check. Shirt on: check. Whistle in pocket: check. Notebook: check. Pencil: check. Green, orange and purple cards: check, check, check. Pull on pair of socks.

Pull on pair of socks.

Pull on pair of socks.

Bah! Shoes don't fit! What's going on here? Oh to hell with it. Decide to make some breakfast.

Carve the meat. Settle down and polish off delicious morning repast of roast beef, two veg, Yorkshire pud and lashings of thick custard.

Sit down in chair to watch TV.

Wonder why TV is not working.

Turn chair round to face TV. Ah that's better. But the TV's talking about me! "We had a first in the history of the World Cup," says Fifa president Sepp Blatter. "Unfortunately, when a player received three yellow cards, this is a little bit too much." None of that lip, son! You're booked! Show TV orange card.

TV doesn't stop backchat. "We have had four officials and what is not understandable is that nobody intervened. One of them should have intervened and run on to the field and said, 'Stop, stop'." Grrrr! Show TV five more orange cards and a green.

TV plays on regardless. "In terms of the referee, this will be analysed. I place my trust in the referees' committee. I think they have enough tact to deal with this case." Alright, son, you've made your point, but now you've gone too far. Show TV three green cards and 17 purples. Any more of this and you're off! I mean it!

Have totally lost control of the TV. "We should not forget that Graham Poll in previous matches achieved fantastic things. Of course, we cannot excuse it but we should understand it."

Help! Living room descends into anarchy. Book chair, sofa, occasional table (four times), mirror and corner unit. Finally lose patience with TV and show green, purple and orange cards all at once to make a big brown card. An early bath for you!

Run bath.

Put TV in bath.

Jump in car with square wheels. Drive to train station to catch flight home.

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"If [Scotland chief executive] David Taylor asked me to come back, yes I would do that. When I come back to Scotland, all the people are so friendly to me" - a deluded Berti Vogts would be more than happy to bring his own special brand of success back to Scottish football.



Ever since his backside-gyration with Ulrika, Faria and co became public knowledge, the Fiver has been woken once a night, every night, by a chilling image of Sven-Goran Eriksson posing in a chiffon thong, rubbing cold custard manically across his chest, before gingerly getting on all fours, peering quizzically over his glasses at a huge inflatable and panting: "Well ....ahhh, Beck-am, it is time for me to receive the intr-ooder." But while love can take many forms, and prompt shamelessly contrived intros like that, Sven's affection for David Beckham took a different form ahead of Sunday's second-round clash with those Sarf Americans Wot Eat Guinea Pigs, Ecuador: he actually said he might pull Becks off (fnar, fnar) if needs be!

Despite Beckham's woeful performances in the tournament, which reached a nadir with 90 minutes of huff, puff and bluff against Sweden, he is certain to start on Sunday. But Sven reckons he might not finish. "I have brought David Beckham off before," he began, as the Fiver jogged Serious Hack's elbow and started fnarrring, only to be met with the most disdainful look since Martin O'Neill realised he'd been stuck on a desert island with Ian Wright, Robbie Williams and the Serbia & Montenegro manager.

"Well ... ahhh, I will do it again if I think he's not doing the job," continued Sven, signing a sponsorship deal to be the new face of hair company Wella, which, as a hair and beauty expert, is able to help people feel better about themselves every day. It's a challenging task that 13,000 dedicated employees work on around the clock, it says here. "He doesn't have any favours just because he's the captain. Wellla, he is treated the same as all the other players in every way - at the dinner table, on the bus, tactically, in training, in a match, and in the bedroom. I'm prepared to do whatever I need to do."

Sadly, with Rio Ferdinand and Gary Neville both doubtful, this means picking the hapless pair Sol Campbell and Jamie Carragher at the back. If a football, as Pele once said, should be treated as tenderly as a lover, Carragher seems intent on treating it like Trainspotting's Francis Begbie treated his women, whereas Campbell is so busy trying to decipher what the ball is saying to him that he forgets to kick it.

And to conclude, here are the salient points made by David Beckham in his press conference this morning:



Lord Ferg's expert eye for undiscovered talent has focused on Germany's World Cup goal merchant Miroslav Klose. But the MU Rowdies face a battle from Arsene's Arsenal Wenger, with Jens Lehmann acting as chief pimp.

The benches in the home dug-out at Stamford Bridge must be cosy: Subbuteo's Shaun Wright-Phillips has admitted he has no intention of leaving.

Plucky Little Wigan are hoping to pilfer all of West Brom's best players and are offering £10m for a job lot comprised of Zoltan Gera, Nathan Ellington and Curtis Davies.

Crystal Palace defender One Size Fitz Hall is also being offered a £3m escape route to the JJB.

Martin Jol's midfielder fetish doesn't appear to be waning. He'll soon be draping his fishnet stockings around the Ivory Coast's Didier Zokora and enticing him to Spurs for £6m.

And finally, new Boro boss Gareth Southgate has decided he's in possession of one too many Franck Queudrues and is ready to do a swapsy for a Fulham's Steed Malbranque.

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If it's the very best in comment and the liveliest debate around that you're after, then look no further than our World Cup blog: http://blogs.theguardian.com/worldcup06/

Play Fantasy Fussball now for the chance to get your grubby mitts on £15,000 worth of prizes: http://www.fantasyfussball.com/

Join James Richardson and his Fiver groupies as they ponder God Bless America's World Cup elimination: http://blogs.theguardian.com/podcasts/2006/06/day_14_is_here_-_usa_out_aus_in.html

The World Cup's much-maligned refs are in need of some video replay assistance, reckons Sean Ingle: http://blogs.theguardian.com/worldcup06/2006/06/23/referees_need_help.html

Matt Scott sees shades of Italia '90 in Sven-Goran Eriksson's wounded and over-hyped England side: http://blogs.theguardian.com/worldcup06/2006/06/23/englands_woes_are_an_eerie_ech.html

Marina Hyde takes a look at the Wags' World Cup: http://football.theguardian.com/worldcup2006/story/0,,1804182,00.html

And in tomorrow's award-winning GBP1.30 Berliner theguardian: Michael Walker hears Jurgen Klinsmann's ominous mutterings about his 'big plans' for Germany; while Maria Sharapova raves about her new life in California.

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The Football League has finally been awarded damages for its professional negligence claim against the lawyers who advised them so well over their deal with ITV Digital. They were hoping for: £150m. They got: £4. Still, a victory is a victory and they should have enough for their BFH.

Daniele De Rossi has been banned for Italy's next three matches and fined £4,500 for using his elbow to crack open the face of Team America's Brian McBride.

Lumbering Sheilaroos keeper Zeljko 'Spider' Kalac is worried his calamitous display in last night's 2-2 draw with Croatia will cost him his place. "I'm hopeful of keeping my spot, but let's say I wouldn't stake my life on it," he admitted.

Sometimes it's hard to accept it's over. Colchester United are refusing to let Phil Parkinson walk out on them and are currently seeking a High Court injunction to keep hold of him forever and ever and ever.

And Steve McClaren is hoping to inject a bit of excitement into the England camp once Sven departs. Why else would Alan Shearer be joining his management team? Oh.

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"The Sheilaroos denied two clear penalties and a failed sending off? Far from displaying the typical levels of ineptitude of the English in Germany, I believe Graham Poll has instead merely attempted to order three or more drinks in a round and get handed the correct change in England's capital just once too often. Last night was payback" - Leo Carroll.

"If Liverpool change their colours to yellow shirts and green shorts, would Harry Kewell play like he did last night more often?" - Malcolm Mitchell.

"Re: collective nouns for footballers. A fumble of Aussie keepers?" - Jesse Whitehead.

"A flop of Americans" - Ben Corntassel.

"Ghana v Team America was interesting, but would have been more entertaining if the Americans had sent over their best football players. Imagine Terrell Owens leaping for a header, Ray Lewis killing a scoring chance by administering a bone-crushing tackle, or how about a scintillating run through the midfield by Jerome 'The Bus' Bettis? Oh the hilarity" - Phil Marion.

"Have there been any sightings of Ronaldo since last night's victory over Japan? I am a little concerned that the Japanese may have spotted him in the bath afterwards and got the harpoon out" - Mark Judd.

"So Michael Owen is looking forward to seeing Sven on July 9. At least we know who's hosting the World Cup Final barbie for the England team, then" - Stuart Stratford.

"Perusing Marina Hyde's Big Paper column this morning, I discovered that Tabloid Wayne's Coleen is now 'spokesmodel' for Asda. Is there any chance one of your intrepid journalists could elicit her views on the strike action recently voted through by GMB members?" - Craig Keeley.


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BBC One: Live Match of the Day - World Cup 06 - Ukraine v Tunisia/Spain v Saudi Arabia (2.45pm)
This particular bandwagon just keeps on gathering momentum.

A Question of Sport (7pm)
Yes, it's the part of the Fiver where you get to deride those high-salaried inarticulate fools in the television studios.

Live Match of the Day - World Cup 06 - Togo v France (7.30pm)
Take it away, Simon Noone.

World Cup Match of the Day (11.45pm)
"Just heard a good one from Ger Canning, commentating on the Australia-Croatia match on RTE.

BBC Three: World Cup Out-Takes (7pm)
"Watching the replay of Harry Kewell's goal that made it 2-2, he sagely asked: 'He may have been offside, but was he active?'

Live Match of the Day - World Cup 06 - Switzerland v South Korea (8pm)
"I would have thought that you couldn't get much more active than scoring a goal."

ITV 1: World Cup Highlights
James Govier strays off the beaten track with this howler from a Proper News Programme.

Sky Sports 1: Fifa Futbol Mundial (2pm)
"Not quite a punditry gaffe, but from a more surprising source - Channel 4 News.

British Eurosport: Live World Cup Show (7.15pm)
"And it's from the main man himself, Jon Snow.

Setanta: The Hub (7pm)
"According to Sir Lord Snow of Newsdom, Michael Owen suffered a tear to his 'crucial knee ligament'.

Radio Five Live: Drive at the World Cup (5pm)
"I suppose he is right in one respect, but really, Jon, shame on you.

Sport on Five at the World Cup (7pm)
"Even Newsround got that bit right!"

Talksport: Rodney Marsh and Adrian Durham (5pm)
Have you heard a supposed expert saying something so stupid they should have their salary immediately slashed?

World Cup Live (7pm)
Tell us all about it.

Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the Ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
Put it in an e-mail to the.boss@theguardian.com and mark the subject line Can You Hear The Pundits Sing?

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