How You Personality Relates To Your Parenting Skills

As a parent are you a Moralizer, Helper, Organizer, Dreamer, Rationalizer, Questioner, Entertainer, Protector or Peacekeeper? Each of these parenting types corresponds to one of the nine standard Enneagram types. No matter which of the E-types you are, this groundbreaking system gives you the vision to see the world as your child sees it-- and the power to use the vision to achieve all your parenting goals. Janet Levine, author of Know Your Parenting Personality, explains.
by Janet Levine

You and your child's personality
You will discover how your personality motivates the way you behave as a parent and how your child's personality interacts with your own. This knowledge can free you to become a true guide and mentor to your child. This important information shows parents how to develop richer, stronger, less stressful relationships with their children. It helps people deepen communication, change self-defeating behavior patterns, and encourage the flowering of a child's own personality. Recognizing what motivates you
Let's begin with nine simple questions. There are no right or wrong responses to this well-tried methodology for identifying the foundation of your personality, your dominant motivational mode. Once you understand what motivates you, you'll be prepared to discover whether you tend to be a Helper, Organizer, Dreamer, Observer, Questioner, Entertainer, Protector, Peacekeeper, or Moralizer. Following each question are three statements. Choose the one that fits you most closely.

1. When you reflect on your own approach to parenting, which of the following statements best describes your style?



c. My parenting style is intellectual, no question. I'm interested in how children think, process information, and work with ideas. I live in my head -- conceptualizing, fantasizing, thinking things, researching and proving -- that's what's important to me. "Rationality" is a big word with me.


a. What you see is what you get. I don't use guile, or fancy gimmicks. I talk about things the way I understand them; I give it my best shot. My family gets my honest sense of how it is.

b. I like to present things in the best light possible, not being dishonest, but finding ways to connect, to make sure I get a response -- the medium is the message, that kind of thing. So I try to put on a show in a way, highlight my ideas; find the nuances of expression that will help me get through to them. I use emotion and some dramatics, anything that will help them better understand what I'm saying.





c. I facilitate their growth by trying to steer them in a direction where they can make a difference and lead fulfilled lives. People need a sense of themselves, of where they stand. The world is difficult to understand -- you can lose your way all too easily. Teaching them for me is giving them some skills, some tools, some road maps to take on their journey.


a. I come on too emotionally when I'm talking to them, they feel like I'm trying to manipulate them into interacting with me. Why can't I just say things out straight? I try to shine it on. It's almost like I need their approval.




a. I try to help by being rational, and not getting caught up in emotions. I can explain the inevitability of the disciplinary decision based on school rules. I can support her best by being logical. Then we can have rational discussion, and I can help her see all the reasons for this outcome. She knows how strongly I love her; this has nothing to do with that -- school rules are school rules.

b. I try to help by being straightforward and down-to-earth, having a face-to-face talk. We know where we stand, together, how solidly I love her. This in no way affects that relationship -- that doesn't even come into the picture; it's the way things are. She made a mistake. We all do. Face-to-face, saying it straight without any extraneous talk, that's always the best way to handle these interactions.

c. I try to help by letting her know how much I care. I don't like handling these situations. When my children are in trouble, it strikes at my heart. I'm more anxious about this than I want to admit -- emotional upsets really get to me. I know her so well, I know what she's feeling as if it were myself. Although she's in the wrong -- and we all know that -- I'll try to get through to them how much I care.



b. I guess I should have seen this coming. He made noises about this last year. He's growing up -- all the signs are there -- I just didn't think it would come down on this day. If you think about it rationally and logically, it's a perfectly legitimate request -- shows healthy growth. I allowed myself to be blind sided by my own expectations. I'll learn other good lessons from this. Of course he wants to be with his friends, have his own experiences and memories. I won't take this personally.


7. You want to be a great parent -- your dreams reflect the deepest parts of yourself. Your passion for your vision stems from:






b. Of my track record of getting through to people. Whether it's coaching Little League, attending a meeting of the choral society committee, or volunteering at the community center, I've always been able to put across what I believe so that people want to be part of it. I know people; people are my life. I can get the world on board.



a. This is wonderful -- it validates my parenting style. It's great that my child appreciates the way I think through what I do and my intellectual energy. She's picked up on the highly mental approach I bring to all my activities, it's something she can measure and write about. So, I'm pleased.

b. It's gratifying, but this is not about me. I'm not what I do. It's about her, how perceptive and what a good writer she is. This paper's being published won't change things one way or the other: it won't make me a better person, or bring more meaning to my life, or change my relationship with her. I'll just go on being the parent I've always been.


How do I think? How do I FEEL?

Feeling mode (Attacher):

Mental mode (Detacher):

Instinctual mode (Defender):

Research on personality shows that we make our way in the world primarily as Attachers, Detachers, or Defenders. My nomenclature -- Attacher, Detacher Defender -- is based on the respected work of the pioneering psychologist Karen Horney who, in her book, Our Inner Conflicts, describes three broad personality patterns as those of moving toward people, moving away from people and moving against people. I developed the terminology Attachers (who move towards people), Detachers (who move away from people) and Defenders (who move against people). People are a complex fusion of these three ways of being, but one is always

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