Assertive versus aggressive communication

I was coaching a client recently who told me that in her performance evaluation, the manager she reported to told her she needed to be "more assertive" in her communication. Interestingly, just a few weeks ago in a communication skills seminar, one of the participants shared his concern that one of his managers was "too aggressive" in his communication and that he wanted this manager to tone it down a bit.

It got me thinking about the terms "assertive" and "aggressive" when it comes to communication and overall leadership style. What exactly is assertive and when does it become aggressive to the point where it is a problem?

Instead of debating semantics, here is a practical comparison between the two words that should prove helpful to any professional who must communicate with others.

--Assertive communication is making your point of view clear in a concise and direct fashion. It's doing so with a strong voice without unnecessary and counterproductive fillers like "ums" and "ahs." Assertive leaves no doubt in the minds of those around you what you are stating and why you are saying it and also where you think the organization needs to go and why. Aggressive communication has a harsh tone that is sometimes personal, creating unnecessary conflict. Aggressive communicators are often poor listeners who take a "my way or the highway" approach to leadership and even if they accomplish their goals, there is road kill around them that could have been avoided.

--Assertive communicators often begin sentences like this; "I feel strongly that we need to move in XYZ direction because if we do, we can accomplish ABC." Aggressive communicators often are accusatory in their tone and language: "You dropped the ball; you screwed up. What's wrong with you?" The problem with this latter approach is that even if you are technically correct, you leave the receiver of this type of communication on the defensive. They either fight back or shut down, which are two outcomes we should avoid in our professional and personal communication.

--Assertive leaders and communicators are often trying to achieve a certain result or solve a particular problem. This mindset has a powerful impact on their interaction with others because it sends the message that we are all on the same team and that even when things go wrong, we stick together and support each other. Aggressive communication and leadership too often is focused on blame, criticism and, worse, humiliation of others. All of us who lead and manage others must be aware of the danger of thinking and acting in this fashion because when we do, it has a terrible impact on team productivity and effectiveness.

--While it is not absolute, leaders who are overly aggressive have a hard time admitting fault, taking responsibility or simply saying, "I'm sorry". This is because they take a win-lose approach to business relations as opposed to trying to find a way for everyone involved to benefit. Assertive leaders have the confidence to know that when they DO admit their own mistakes, apologize, and ultimately take responsibility when things go wrong, it in no way diminishes their status. Further, if done in a genuine fashion, this type of assertive and candid communication can help strengthen your leadership status and bring your team closer together.

What kind of communicator and leader are you? Do you consider yourself assertive or, like me, have there been times that you have led in an aggressive fashion and learned powerful lessons in the process? While none of us are perfect leaders or communicators, the really successful leaders never stop learning, growing and taking an honest look at themselves and their interaction with others. Write to me at and share your thoughts.