17 things all* bartenders do, but would never admit to

Wouldn't admit to the boss, anyway

Things bartenders do but don't admit

1. Giving mate's rates. Ironically, this doesn't actually mean giving them a discount, but instead involves pouring a large glass of wine and charging for a small, if you get ma drift. We know it's wrong, but these night shifts drag on and your drunken friends keeping you company is one way of making them pass quicker.

2. Keeping tips to ourselves. Yeah, I can see there's a communal jar right there but quite frankly I get paid about £6.52 an hour so I could do with the extra money. I put a lot of effort into the smile I served with that last pint, so I'll keep the reward if it's not too much trouble. #TeamSpirit.

3. Not actually 'having one for ourselves'. See above, I'd rather have the money. Thanks, though, the thought was appreciated.


4. Having a little sit down in the toilet during shift. Have you ever tried standing on your feet for a 10 hour shift in shitty little ballet pumps? Probably, actually, because you're reading this. But that means you'll sympathise with how knackering it can be, and the ladies is your only respite. You don't even care that it probably looks like you've got bowel issues, those five minutes of sweet relief are worth it.

5. Pretending we actually like the locals. The chit chat's great at first. But there comes a time - usually as soon as they start divulging unnecessary details about their divorce and subsequent custody battle - that you switch off. From then on, it's a nod and wave to Nigel from down the road, but that's his lot.

6. Being tempted to give a smaller spirit measure to customers who get arsey. Yes we can SEE you there, waving your £20 note around like it's a Polaroid picture. We're GETTING TO YOU. And when we do eventually get to you, if you're not careful, that 'double' gin and tonic will be more like a 'single and a bit' gin and tonic. So WATCH IT.


7. Wiping lipstick stains off glasses with a tea towel, and not putting them back in the glass wash instead. That's just long.

8. Nicking chips off plates at the hotplate before they get served. Only when we're starving, mind you. You can't miss what you never had, can you? The customer will never know.

9. Or worse, nicking food off customers' almost-empty plates. We know this is grim, and it's rare it would ever happen. We PROMISE. But if the customer doesn't look gross, the food looks barely touched, and we think we might be able to get away with it without the pot wash seeing, then it happens. And man, it feels good.


10. 'Accidentally' ignoring forth-coming customers. Waving your cash in our faces isn't going to lure us over to you, love. Unless that money's going in our own pocket and you've got a credit card to pay for the round of drinks, that is. A polite smile and a spot of eye contact is all it takes, and we'll come to you.

11. Calling in sick on a hangover. We know most professions do this; we're all human, after all, and trying to carry out professional labour while your stomach is churning like your mum's Magimix is a tricky feat. But work hangovers are SO much worse for bar staff. Having to come into contact with the very thing that made you feel like you were living a life inside satan's arsehole in the first place is frankly undoable.


12. Pretending to 'wash glasses' but checking phones instead. In fairness, we've been at this god-damn pub for the last six hours; it's about time we got an Instagram update from our more fortunate friends who don't have to spend their lives indoors smelling increasingly like a brewery. So if we have to be sneaky about it, we will.

13. Refilling our own drinks as if they were water. They're never water, of course. They're usually coke, which isn't strictly allowed but god knows you need the sugar. You do a better job when you're buzzing with an excessively high blood sugar level, anyway.

14. And sometimes slipping a bit of alcohol in there. Only when times get really tough, though. No harm done.

15. Giving regulars nicknames. Behind their backs, that is. Kevin With The Lazy Eye might not actually want to know he's called Kevin With The Lazy Eye by a bunch of overworked and underpaid employees who've been serving him pints of Guinness for the past two years. We don't mean it really, Kev.


16. Not closing down the bar properly. Those fridge doors don't really need a wipe, do they? That's just being fussy.

17. Ringing bell for last orders a bit early, because tbh, you've had enough. And they've all had plenty to drink, anyway. Don't these people have homes to go to?

*We say all; not Kat Moon or Liz McDonald, though. They'd never do any of the above.

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