The Teach Yourself (for men) (articles) A Guide to answering your sweethearts questions

It is Saturday, a crisp spring afternoon, and you're exactly where you should be: stretched out on the couch in front of a televised sporting event, opening beer number two, relaxed in the knowledge that the pizza you ordered is even now on its way. Nothing could improve this moment, except maybe a bigger Television.

Suddenly your girlfriend enters the room and says, "Do I look fat?"

There is no answer to this question that won't be interpreted "yes". "No" means yes. "Yes" means yes. "I don't know" means yes. "It doesn't matter" means yes.

The briefest hint of a pause before speaking means yes, yes, yes. Most of us would rather take our degrees again than field this one, yet it may well come up several times a week. Your only real choice is to say no, clearly and immediately, leaving no possibility for any subtext, and making it sound like a widely acknowledged fact and not simply your opinion. This doesn't work, but all the other options are worse.


Consult this handy chart:

Is there someone else?
Do you still fantasize about her?
Are you tired of me?

Do you still love me?
Do you ever fantasize about me?
Do you like my hair this way?

Unfortunately, many female inquiries require more than a simple yes or no response. Some of them are more like riddles. Such as this one: "Which shoes look better?"


"Where do you see this relationship going?"

This could be described as an essay question, since you're obviously not going to get away with snappy little answers such as "forward" or "upstairs" or "I dunno". She wants a heartfelt expression of your feelings and an honest assessment of your future together, and you want an easier question. There is certainly no point in answering a toe-curling query like this one without at least a rough idea of precisely what it is she wants to hear. Questions such as this one are a category unto themselves, i.e. questions that should be answered with another question. See how easily some of the more difficult leading inquiries can be parried through the simple deployment of reflexive interrogation.

HER: "Where do you see this relationship going?"
YOU: "Where do you see this relationship going?"

HER: "Do you think she's attractive?"
YOU: "Who?"

HER: "Will you marry me?"
YOU: "Where am I?"

HER: "What if I were pregnant?"
YOU: "Are you pregnant?"
HER: "Why? Do I look fat?"


HER: What if I were pregnant?
YOU: What if I were pregnant?

At the very least it gives you time to think up a better answer. Some all-purpose question-answers include: How much is a lot? Why do you ask? Should I be? What are you saying? Does it matter? What's love gotta do with it? Are you talking to me? (Note: Are you having your period? is not one of these.)

Let's try a math question.

"How many people have you slept with?"

Hmmmmm....Now, you can tell her the truth, unless the truth is more than 12, or you can have a guess at the number she's more or less expecting. If the result is greater than 12, then say 12. Let's move on.

"Are you saying you want to end it?"


"Notice anything different about me?"

Well, slightly easier. Apart from being a question that is easier to answer wrong than right, it is best treated in an ironic post-modern context;

HER: "Notice anything different about me?"
YOU: "New apron?"

HER: "Have you forgotten what today is?"
YOU: "Of course not. It's Thursday"

HER: "Have you been listening to a word I've said?"
YOU: "That's nice, dear..."


Questions such as:

"Have you taken a look at yourself lately?"

This question and its cousin, the almost always uncalled for "Who do you think you are?", are ways of gently reminding you how much of a factor pity was in her original decision to go out with you, and how that decision could be rescinded if you behave in any way that cannot be described as abject. You probably brought this rebuke on yourself by mentioning that you reckon Brad Pitt is getting a little chubby or by speculating that Jack Nicholson doesn't have to wait until his birthday for oral sex. You're not really supposed to answer either of these questions. You're just supposed to apologise for your wanton Self-esteem-having. Instead of apologising, just smile. Your manifold inadequacies as a boyfriend - nay, as a man - are a kind of revenge all by themselves. Next!

"Do you believe in fidelity?"


Consult this translation chart before giving your answer:

YOU SAY - "Yes"
YOU MEAN - How much does she know?
SHE THINKS - He's hiding something

YOU SAY - "It depends"
YOU MEAN - How much does she know?
SHE THINKS - I knew it!

YOU SAY - "Why do you ask?"
YOU MEAN - How much does she know?
SHE THINKS - Bastard!

YOU SAY - "I dunno. Do you?"
YOU MEAN - How much does she know?
SHE THINKS - How much does he know?


Let's look at an example that calls for more straightforward lying. "What are you looking at?"


It may seem easy enough to answer this question with a cunning lie, but when men are caught off-guard, their ability to deceive is impaired. Here are a few of the more common mistakes men make when asked, "What are you looking at?"

1. TOO SPECIFIC: "The rust around the bolts on the handle on the flap of that mailbox on the northwest corner".
2. NOT SPECIFIC ENOUGH: "That thing."
3. TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE: "A diamond necklace in that window back there that would be perfect on you".
4. TOO TRUE TO BE GOOD: "A see-through nightie in that window back there that would be perfect on you."
5. TOO OBVIOUS: "Nothing."
6. WAY TOO OBVIOUS: "That blonde babe over there with the big...I mean nothing."

Here's one that requires a little interpretation.

"Should I get my hair cut?"


"Does it make me look fat?" - You're on your own.