Monday, 30 July 2012

The Alternative Olympicas

So one weekend in and already I have watched so much sport that I now consider myself an expert in some extremely obscure sports. (Beach volleyball is intensely athletic and doesn't deserve the quips made about it that's for sure)

But it begs the question, What the hell am I going to do when the Olympics finishes? Short of hanging around Weymouth beach offering a commentary on Sailing or dragging a horse to my local pool to play Water polo (Am I doing it wrong?) I have absolutely no idea.

The only other thing that I can think of doing is setting up an Alternative Olympicas.  You know, one we can excel at without even trying. Now before anyone starts screaming at me for disrespecting Team GB, I'm not. Sport is a discipline, every sportsperson works extremely hard and every medal we win is well deserved and highly fought over. No-one goes to the Olympics just to be a competitor, every sportsperson is there to win. End of.

But my alternative Olympicas is going to be heavily weighted in our favour.
(My Olympicas, my rules)

The opening ceremony is going to be a couple of guys, just spraying Pepsi into the crowd, I can't compete with Danny Boyle so why even try. Just to continue in my contraryness (Is that even a word?) I may approach Burger King to sponsor me, I'm theres for a whopper with cheese, some fries and a diet coke, (god I'm cheap)

If O2 also want to sponsor me? Call me guys, you know I love you.

The first event will be Syncronised Umbrella lifting event. The great thing about this event is that it can be held in the open air,(Although knowing our luck it will be 90 degree heat during my games) Syncronised Umbrella lifting will be judged on the time it takes for the umbrella to rise after the first raindrop hits. (If we don't win Gold, Silver and bronze in this event then I will demand a piss test on every competitor)

The next event didn't start off a British event but we have trained hard for it, we have given it our all and embraced it as our own.

It's the Cat Photography event. (sponsored of course by Instagram)

One cat, a lotta iPhones (on O2 of course, I'm nothing if not sponsor friendly :) ) and SHOOT!!!!!

We have to be feline pretty confident this one is in the bag (No kitty, not you in the bag, that would be wrong) I'm pretty sure we could get a purr-fect score.
(Shall I stop now?)

Another event would be the triathalon, this event is an event that requires a wide range of skills, it is the Bitching, Moaning and Nagging Triathalon.

(You know you are all imagining who you could nominate to represent in this event)

Maybe it could be a team event, A relay bitch, I'm sure I see those on Twitter quite a bit lately, One person bitches to another, who then adds to the bitch and then passes it along. Team points will be deducted if you get called out by the person you are bitching about. (and you will feel shame)

The moaning part

Well that has to be an individual event doesn't it? Or the first one to drive everyone away with their moaning gets Gold.

What else? Let's think of some other events.

Hmmmm We could learn from The Olympics mistakes and make queueing an event. If I tell everyone that it is also an audience participation event I'm sure the whole day would go a hell of a lot easier. I expect to attract the sort of audience for my event that spent the whole Olympics saying "Well I could do THAT"

Really? Prove it.

Queue you buggers, queue. AND DO IT WITH A SMILE DAMMIT.

Ok, so this is my Alternative Olympicas.

What do you think? Care to join in?

Can you think of any other events that would make a welcome addition to my event?

OR can you think of some other sponsors that would care to donate a couple of million, (ok a fiver and a some chocolate) to the Alternative Olympicas cause.

Let me know, I'm off to practise, I'm a shoo-in in the cat photography event. If I lose, it will be a CAT-astrophe (ok, I'm stopping now, I promise)

Big Fashionista x x



  1. Replies
    1. Oh you ROCK!!! That made me laugh out loud. ;)

  2. If you could organise it... I would do the Wine Dive.

    Oh God... I just thought of other "diving" and how shit men can be at it and gagged a little...

    1. I just spat my coffee out everywhere.

      Nice work

      I could pike dive into a large glass of red right now

    2. hehehehe at least we know you spit now :) *chuckles wickedly*

      (My mind is a gutter. crap)

    3. Probably for the best ;)

  3. The tea and scones event.
    Who can eat a full cream tea without getting any cream, jam or tea down their front?

    The tutting event. An vent for those further on in years, parade the yoof of today in front f them and whoever tuts the most and loudest wins!

    I shall think of some more after I have had my coffee :)

    1. Ha ha ha the tutting event could be amazing!!!!!!!!!!! They could hear it in Norfolk

    2. While were at it how about granny scooter drag races??

    3. Ohhhhhhh! Granny scooter races would be fabulous! In their scooters all souped up, I can see it now. I have terrified myself now. I may never leave the house again :o

  4. How about...

    'Getting the washing in before it rains' event?

    And then there could be 'Fitting it all onto a gaffa taped clothes horse with a leg missing' event.

    1. We've had lots of practice at those events lately. We should wipe the floor with the competition

  5. The 3am drunken 1/2 mile walk home.... This could be a race or alternativly a gymnastic event with points for poise balance and creative falling..... :-D

  6. Shopping event followed by the beer drink off and finally the kabab, taxi, home Triathlon!

  7. I think that stalwart of youth clubs up and down the country, ping-pong, would be a great sport to for an alternative Olympics.

    Oh, wait...

  8. I feel we should also have an Olympic Spirit Dampening event- must be an individual- whoever can make someone change their mind about an awesome idea or plan they've made first- gets gold. Closely tied with Olympic Bitching, Moaning and Nagging Triathlon.



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