Saturday, 13 November 2010

A place to rest your head

This week I had the misfortune to stay in the Newcastle Central Travelodge.

Now, if I’d picked up some loose woman and had decided to head back to a room for a couple of quick shags, then it wouldn’t have bothered me that much. The raging urges of lust would no doubt have helped me turn a blind eye to the numerous faults in the ramshackle and poorly designed late 80’s building.

I might not have noticed the carpet, the smell or the staff.

So when Travelodge wrote to me to say “Tell us how we did!”

I told them how it was:-

Newcastle Central needs completely redecorating. Strong smells of curry and must in rooms and corridors. Carpet that has seen better days, mattress that had obviously been used as some sort of trampoline for energetic shaggers. Staff that had they smiled they might have looked like they were actually enjoying their work and a pillows that had the bulk of a rolled up handkerchief. I know it's supposed to be BUDGET, but I'd have had a cleaner and probably more comfortable stay in the car park. Oh yeah, the car park....that's a different story entirely. Nope...don't get me started on that....noooooo.....Premier Inn for me in future I'm afraid.

And you were doing SOOOO well too.

What's happened to you Travelodge? You used to be so much better.

Did you get taken over by Ryanair?

Much love


Oh and I've blogged this tell the world….just so you is your friend.

Monday, 1 November 2010

Terrorism: What to ban

The scene: A secret governmental office in some seemingly innocuous building in London. Four top executive types sit around a conference table.

Man 1: Right, the department that provide us with our funds are wanting to cut our funding back unless we can prove how valuable and useful we are to the country.

Man 2: Again?

Man 1: Yes again. So what we need to do is highlight the dangers of something…like what we did before.

Man 3: Yes like with the bottled water thing. That proved effective though unpopular with voters and as approval ratings of our existence is wavering on the low side we need to appear to be proactive but not too disruptive to society.

Woman: I get it. Ok, how about getting MI7 to create another terrorist attack?

Man 1: Too costly. We’re still paying the compensation on that one.

Man 2: Could we not create some new figure of focus like Abu Hamsa?

Man 3: That requires international agreement and at the moment we’re not that popular.

Man 1: Indeed, so what we need to do is think of something like with the bottled water thing that makes us look proactive but causes the minimal amount of disruption.

The four look around the room for inspiration…

Woman: Oooh! Ooh! How about pens? A would be terrorist could pack a pen with explosive and then detonate it aboard a plane or ferry.

Man 3: Good one…but still too disruptive. Worth remembering that one though. The airlines would probably be in agreement with that and be able to sell biros during the flight for exorbitant prices….but no…not this time…let me think…


The four look around more…

Man 1: How about spectacle cases?

Man 3: Yeah…fewer people carry those…but I don’t think the public would buy it.


More looking round and scratching of heads.

There is a knock on the door. The door opens.

Youthful IT dude: Entering room Alright…sorry…I’m from IT. I’ve been asked to change the toner cartridge on the printer in here. Would it be OK for me to do that? I’ll only be a couple of minutes.

All four: With look of universal approval and acceptance. Toner cartridges!


And that….is EXACTLY what happened.

I know this…because I was the IT dude *





*May be lies