Sunday, October 16, 2016

Losing Faith

I feel like I've lost a lot of faith in the last few years - not my faith in Jesus fact, that's the only thing that keeps me going most of the time! No, I feel like I'm losing faith in my fellow man. I look around and I wonder what the hell is going on with people. I just don't understand what motivates them. I'll go ahead and blame Facebook - why not? No, not really, but I'll confess that I have been dismayed, to say the slightest, by the number of my "friends," people I've known in real life, who have, in the past eight years, unfriended me, called me names (homophobe, hater, etc.), and such. These are people who know me (or at least who once knew me)! I have two favorite examples. First is someone I met when I was in 7th grade (around 1987). I'll confess our friendship started with my crush on him (he was an older man - an 8th grader). Many people made fun of him, called him gay (the chic insult of the 80s), etc. I didn't care. I liked him. He was funny and kind. We became very good friends. We dated briefly in high school. It didn't take FB for us to reconnect - we talked on and off over email through our adult lives. I ran into his wife and him at the grocery store once. Now, there were a few years in there where we didn't talk and it was FB where I saw him next. When we became "friends," he wrote me a long email telling me that he was divorced and that he was gay. Did I care? Not that he was gay (divorce always saddens me). We were friends. We had more than 25 years of history between us. That was such a small part of our friendship (for me). I continued being the same me I had always been. Of course, that included posting Catholic posts on FB. Catholic posts included anything against redefining marriage. Turns out that meant that this person and I couldn't be friends anymore. Turns out I was a hater. And a homophobe (because gay people are *scary* don't you know). Turns out that the fact that once upon a time people called my friend gay and he cried and I comforted him and told him, "Screw them. It doesn't matter what they think. You're awesome" didn't matter. I meant it when I said that. I didn't care then if he was gay and I didn't care now. Why? Didn't impact me one damn bit. I prayed for him, but guess what? I prayed for him when I was 13, too. How many of his friends now pray for him? Well, doesn't matter. So many times I want to ask him something, but I can't. We're not friends anymore, you see.

Second best story: when I first started homeschooling, I met someone who was just in the process of being chrismated in the Ruthenian church. She had been Roman Catholic, but she was going Eastern Rite. That resonated with me on many levels, not the least of which was my favorite uncle is a Ruthenian Catholic. I have been to their Divine Liturgy and I love it. Plus, this woman was cool. She was the me I am on the inside. She wore combat boots (which I have started wearing again - too bad they are actually "in" right now. Oh, well. They'll go out again.). She had a past that included writers and NYC and tattoos she wore long sleeves to cover all the time. She got me in ways no woman has ever gotten me. I couldn't believe I had a female friendship like this! Michael actually received his first Communion at her church (hazards of taking young children to an Eastern Rite Liturgy without adequately preparing them or the priest!). Well, it turns out that some things are too good to be true. When someone goes from Protestant to atheist to Buddhist to Roman Catholic to Eastern Catholic, they may be on a search, or they may just be confused. She stopped going to Liturgy altogether when she found out about a sex scandal in her church. Life got busy and I didn't see this woman for awhile. She was on and off FB. I could tell by the things she was posting that she wasn't faithful to the teachings of the Catholic church on sex and gender issues (I have no idea if she is still religious at all), but I didn't give it much thought. Well, when the whole bathroom issue was in its infancy (just a state issue in CA), I posted a story about it and she came unglued at me on FB over my insensitivity to children and their identification issues, etc. Again, this woman *knew* me. At least I thought she did. I tried to respond, mostly because I was so incredulous that she was coming at me this way, but I couldn't. We weren't friends anymore.

For the record. Again. I don't hate gay people. There are actually gay people I have loved very much. Any random gay person I am just as likely to like or dislike as much as I like or dislike anyone else. I am also not scared of gay people. I am a little scared of anyone who advertises their sex life. I'm a pretty private person. I also don't want children to be punished in any way, shape, or form because of who they are. Now, their parents should be strung up by their toenails for doing what they do to their children, whether out of some kind of motive or just because they are ignorant. Confused children need a good therapist and, most importantly, time. They need adults to be adults.

So, yeah. I've been losing faith. And, truthfully, I don't know how anyone can do it (life) without God. I wouldn't be able to. I'd be terrified if I thought we had to endure all of this without something else up there/out there, or whatever. Without God. Without salvation through Jesus. Because I've had this conversation before, I know the answer. Atheists, it turns out, are just stronger than I am - true story. Maybe that's true.

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