Monday, March 07, 2005

When it rains...

To say exactly what I'm feeling right now is hard to do.... maybe the best way to describe it is numb.

I feel like whatever decision I make, it's the wrong one. As of now, I'm getting more and more spread out to different areas, but I need the experience, however, the more things I do, the less time I have to do other things and invariably, I have to make a choice... to do the one thing and sacrifice the other. It's even more frustrating when I have to sacrifice the thing I want to do to do the thing I should do. But on the other hand, I feel guilty when I do the thing I want to do and don't go to the thing I should go to. There has to be a balance, somewhere, right?

I also feel like I have no idea where to go. I'd love to start putting together a youth board for next year and start working on planning events, but since I don't know where I'll be next year, if I'll be here or in Timbuktu I feel paralyzed. I can't plan my future anywhere, I can't even NOT plan my future here. If I knew I was leaving I could at least begin to say goodbyes or have some sort of closure, but right now I'm just waiting....

I also wonder why I want the things I've been praying for. This waiting for a call from anywhere is hard, and I want it to be from Messiah, but I have to ask why? Why do I want it from Messiah? Because I truly feel I can serve effectively? Because right now there are no other options? Becuase God is calling me here? why? what do I want? who am I?

Overall, life seems to be picking up... I can say that I have met some great people through the young adult Bible study that I'm going to and that there will be some great teachers here next year (if I'm here), but at the same time, I feel like i'm losing friends. People that I thought would be life-long friends are slowly losing touch, getting boyfriends and saying goodbye alltogether. Yes, things change and life changes, but you can't have a future without having a past can you?

All the things I've been blogging about are weighing me down like bricks and each paragraph I write brings me closer and closer to tears. I guess numbness is the best alternative, because if I felt as much as I do right now, I wouldn't be able to function at all. So I move on. Exhuausted, praying for God to deliver me out of this mess that I'm making of myself.