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Marriage: Used & Abused
Posted by : sad
Date: 7/20/2004 9:57 am

Used and Abused (by the Jatt From Jallandhar)

19 July 2004

So she said "I cant forgive them"

And I said, "By forgiving them, you will be freeing your own mind. do it for
your own well being."

My friend, lets call her HomelyGirl in the words of the marriage adverts in the
back of the Punjabi papers. She was married last year to a "Jatt from
Jallandhar" - her parents phrase. The phrase they used all their life
everytime the subject of marriage came up. We dont mind who you marry as long
as he is a "Jatt from Jallandhar". So in the tradition of all HomelyGirls she
sacrificed her own hearts desires and relied upon her parents. And as the
years ticked by, they started getting more desparate and found some guy, any
guy, her intuition told her he's not right for me. But her parents and her age
put pressure on her and she agreed. Her parents blew a small fortune on
throwing a wedding that would impress the relatives and respectable Sikh
society. They made all the same old promises infront of Guru Granth Sahib Ji
and listened to the same old last minute speeches about being nice to each

She made the biggest mistake of her life. Used and abused by the Jatt from
Jallandhar. The final divorce paper came though the other day. "O I'm over
it, I was upset at the time but I'm fine now."

Like hell she is! Its so obvious that :

She's angry at her parents for not allowing her to find her own partner and
pressuring her into a marriage she didnt feel right about. Their reply to
that? "Well you agreed!" Implying its her fault, refusing to feel guilty for
their own actions.

She's angry at the guy for only getting married because his parents wouldnt get
off his back. So he married and got divorced and now they will never say
anything to him again. So now he is finally free of them and can marry who he
really wants.

She's angry at God for punishing her like this. For everything else in life
she has leant something. But she cannot find one good thing that has come out
of this. Or the reason why it happened.

She's angry at respectable Sikh society who now consider her as "used" and will
not want their precious son to buy second hand goods.

So HomelyGirl what went wrong?

Lets break it down from God's point of view:

Where does God live? No not in the Gurdwara, Church or Mosque, but in each and
every heart.

And what does your heart want to do as you grow up? It wants to live and love
and be free. God inside each one of us wants to experience everything afresh ,
anew like its the very first time He's seen this amazing Creation. Watch a two
year old play and you'll see God inside them so curious and enthusiastic.

But what happens to the heart?

We kill it's enthusiasm for life and for love.


Firstly parents pour on all kinds of pressures

1) emotional blackmail : "we worked so hard and this is how you repay us..."
(plus lots of tears)
2) greed "if you do that then I'll cut you out of my will."
3) anger : verbal and physcial abuse - shouting and threatening "I'll thow you
out ...."
4) respect : "what will other people think?"
5) tribalism : "you have to marry a Jatt Sikh"

As you grew up your parents got so much pleasure from playing with you, they
laughed when you made funny faces. They felt joy when you smiled. When you
were hungry or ill, they gave you food and medicine and tender loving care.
But now when you are old enough to start thinking about your love life, your
happiness is no longer their happiness. Your obedience is paramount. To the
extreme you should stay single or even die and than be happy in loving someone
your heart chose. Someone that God inside you chose.

Why do parents turn out like this?

Because they have killed their own hearts so long ago that they no longer
remember what its like to love life. They have knocked down the Beautfiul
Temple of God inside, and in its place erected the dungeon of respect, rules
and regulations and worst aspects of religion : tribalism.

They killed their own hearts, they lived with unfulfilled desires and think
they made a sacrifice. And now expect you to make the same sacrifice to. They
want to live out their unfullfilled desires though you. They want to kill your
heart, and reprogram you with their empty idea of respect and status symbols -
big house, rich inlaws, fast cars, repectable job and caste.

So what was and still is the challenge for you HomelyGirl?

It is to stand up for your heart.

It is to honour God inside you , who is talking to you through your intuition
all the time.

It is for you to smash out of your parents grip who are living in the past.

But that is the rare one.

Most children grow up and get throttled by the snake of parental and societial
pressure. The heart takes the first major bullet. The head starts looking
down, the shoulders start drooping, the feet start dragging - enthusiasm for
life starts diminishing. You let parents overrule your own heart. And
parents in turn are over ruled by their religion. The get defeated by the
norms and forms and expectations of the religion. They put all the pressure of
their own past and their religion on your young head. And you emotionally
collapse to the ground in a heap. They tie the noose around your neck and
marry you where they want, and when you agree and it doesnt work out - its your
fault HomelyGirl - not theirs.

God gives each of us this one chance in time and space - this human body is a
rare gift. This human body is your one chance to live your heart out in a life
of love and joy. You are the future, your parents and the religion is the
past. Dont let past override the present. Otherwise you blew your one chance
in space and time.

The more outwardly religious parents and respectable society likes to look, the
more empty their hearts tend to be. They have lost to the 5 thieves - anger,
greed , lust, attachments and pride. They have developed minimal Truth , Love
and Compassion. They think they brought you into the world and you are their
property. They think they have invested in you for two decades and you owe
them big time! What a big illusion. They have bowed to Guru Granth Sahib ji
thousands of times, "taken amrit", worn the uniform but learnt nothing. You
are not anyone's property but God. No one owns you but God. You owe nothing
to anyone but God. You were born alone crying, and will die alone. Your
parents will not be there when you die, your parents will not be able to take
your pain when you are hurt, your parents will not accept blame when you get
married where they tell you to and you come home divorced. You are own own
person, you will reap the rewards of whatever you have sown. you will be
judged for your own actions. Your parents will not be standing with you
infront of God.

Our deeds are our own

Some get closer , others go further away from God.


In the words of a famous quote "You die your own death, so live your own life."

So do the right thing, turn your back on the past, stand up for what God
inside your own heart is telling you to do - your own unique path to God - the
Eternal Truth - the One Love.

The only good parents are the ones that say "The smile on my child's face is
the only honour I need."

The only good religion is the one that says "Forget about religious lables,
caste lables, colour and wealth - the greatest thing is LOVE for NAAM in your
heart and in every heart."

So HomelyGirl you get to start again. Now your parents cant pressure you to
get married, now your age doesnt matter. So the divorce papers have come
through, but he's not out of your life until you get him out of your thoughts
of revenge and anger. So you have to forgive him and forgive your parents and
start again. Now stand up for what God in your heart wants - not what your
"tribal" religion wants, not what your "living in the past" parents want and
not what your "respectable" society wants.


God Bless You to live the life HE wants you to.

Written with the blessings of the Guru.
Re: Marriage: Used & Abused
Posted by : RK
Date: 7/20/2004 10:43 am

I dont know what to make of this post. THe real enemy I think is not the parents, who are made out to be as some kind of monsters. THe real enemy here is the punjabi culture being mistaken for sikhi culture. THe parents are not out to get the child, they want the best for their child, but the influence of hinduism and western culture and the punjabi culture is tampering with thier judgement of what is right. The solution to this is Gurmat and Sikhi, not to follow your heart like the above post says. The above post is giving wrong advice to follow your man, which is the opposite of what sikhi preaches. Sikhi says "man jeetai, jag jeet".

Also the comment of parents thinking of thier children as thier property, this is pure westen influenced comment. Of course the parents have the right to make decisions in their childs life, they are the ones that brought them into this world. Now of the child was an amritdaree person, then they could disobey thier parents, but in a gurmat manner, which has been discussed before on this site, but miss homely girl does not appear to be that kind of person, she appears to be a normal punjabi culture influenced "Sikh".

Why should the parents main goal be to see a smile on thier childs face? THis is BS. So if the child wants to cut thier hair and smoke up everyday, the parent should allow them just becuase it will keep a smile on their childs face? COme on. Are the girls that "followed thier heart" and got married to muslim boys happy now becuase they did not listen to their parents, who were out to crush their happiness when they said not to marry them?

I understand that the main point of this post is to condemn the punjabi culture that has taken over sikhi, but it is making hte mistake of replacing hte punjai culture with western culture where the child does not care about the parents and instead does what the heart (man) wants to do. This is wrong advice. In some cases the western culture is worse than the punjabi culture. e.g. jsut look at the clothes that western culture encourages girls to wear. THe solution to this problem is to adopt the gurmat culture. If the girl was an amritdharee and rehitvan, then obviously her parents would have been forced to find a partner for her that was amritdharee and rehitvaan as well. Then if they had problems, it would not jsut be the girls problem, but the whole sangat's in which the couple stayed problem, becuase most decisions according to gurmat are made by sangat. ANd the girl would have never been alone because she would always of other gursikhs to help her out, and same with the guy if he was the one going through the problems.
Re: Marriage: Used & Abused
Posted by : umm
Date: 7/20/2004 11:14 am

I think the point of the article was that people shouldn't be forced into marriages they don't want.
Re: Marriage: Used & Abused
Posted by : sundeep
Date: 7/20/2004 12:54 pm

interesting article. but it confuses culture with religion. in many cases, they are completely opposite.

"parents in turn are over ruled by their religion. The get defeated by the
norms and forms and expectations of the religion. "

if the above quote were true we would have some very good sikhs out there!! we are supposed to follow the norms and expectations of our religion. how else could we be sikhs? it's a way of life, not some abstract beliefs one claims to have but doesn't follow.

"They put all the pressure of their own past and their religion on your young head. "

again it confuses religion with culture. sikhi totally rejects tribalism/caste system. and is against forcing someone to marry against their wishes.

Sikhi is that religion of truth, love, compassion, and looking beyond lables. the religion of love for the Naam like is said later on in the article.
Re: Marriage: Used & Abused
Posted by : Jarnail Singh Arshi Gyani
Date: 7/21/2004 6:22 am

Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa Waheguru Ji Ki fateh.

This is really sad.....but is so common.

In Malaysia we have parents whose sons are drug addicts, useless no goods, sickly, prison guests, jobless, have MISTRESSES which his parents hate..... and Since no body in the neighbourhood will Touch such a guy with a twenty foot pole....OFF they go to PUNJAB...... and bring back a lovely young girl/educated/polished/beautiful/...... and then the Living HELL begins for her. The rotten guy is NOT going to change and Never will...the poor girl becomes a SERVANT in her in laws house....( Paid MAIDS are expensive) caring for the Mother-in-Law etc etc while the "husband" deserts her as he was originally never in the house anyway...sometimes he is "kind" enough to get her pregnant also so he can prove his Manliness !!!

The Family in Malaysia are more worried about "Family Prestige" and their DESI Village Connections may be compromised if they find out how their daughter is suffering in HELL and not ruling like a queen as they supposed !!! Worse of all "everyone" later tells the poor girl...We knew your husband was like this, drug addict, alcoholic, jobless, having mistress etc etc...BUT what to do we couldnt very well tell you so fast could we ?? It is jsut your bad luck ??? But we will "really help" you now....just divorce the present one and marry the next one we "reccommend" and all will be OK... ( will they REPEAT the same story of not telling you just yet how rotten this second hubby is ??...OF COURSE...BUT who cares..... we are rich and the girl is poor and from Punjab ??

Countless heartless stories abound....EVERYONE is against the poor girl.... she is supposed to bear it all....worse of all the Malaysian Immigration Regulations enforce a ruling whereby the Bride MUST get her Husband's CONSENT in writing to get her Annual Visa to stay put or she gets DEPORTED back to Punjab....and what future has she got there ??? especially if she has a child ???. This Emotional and Legal BLACKMAIL keeps the poor girls Bound hand and foot in this HELL HOLE ...

ONLY after enduring FIVE YEARS of this hell is a foreign bride entitled to apply for a DIVORCE and then subsequent visa applications. on her OWN signature......that also IF she has a Malasyian BORN CHILD then she can apply to stay put....otherwise divorce over she returns to country of origin.....USED and ABUSED !!! to the HILT.....and the terrible thing is many "gurmukhs" "naam japping", "sewa doing" , "philanthropic", parvaars are involved in this Use and Abuse with impunity...hding behind Family Honour, Parvaar unity, dont disgrave us all....mentality while not giving a thought to what the girl or her child suffers.

Dass jarnail Singh