Saturday, May 13, 2017

Justice League of America #6

How are new readers going to know they should pick this up because Lobo is in it? This is a poor choice of covers.

Page One does not contain a scene with Lobo. It does have The Atom displaying his impotence to Aegeus. But Aegeus has no time to laugh at a tiny man who can't get a metaphorical boner. He needs to gloat like a proper villain should after they've just defeated Lobo. Not a lot of characters can say that they bested Lobo! No wait. That's not true. After Lobo peaked in popularity as the biggest bad-ass motherfucker in the universe, he began to be dragged from comic book to comic book just to be defeated by the hero to show that the hero could defeat the most dangerous person in the universe. Apparently DC didn't realize how they were diluting Lobo's brand from biggest bad-ass in the universe to biggest punching bag in the universe. The kinds of fans who loved Lobo wound up feeling angry and embarrassed while reading Lobo comic books after that. Not me though! I was already angry and embarrassed while reading any comic book!

Part of that last paragraph wasn't true. Maybe most of it wasn't true. I don't think any Lobo fans were ever embarrassed about liking Lobo because they were all so busy emulating his worst qualities. It's hard to tell which of Lobo's qualities were the worst but I'm probably not talking about his penchant for genocide. Although maybe those Columbine kids were fans, right? I mean, that was terrible what happened there but I'm fairly certain if I had seen footage of one of them screaming about bastiches and gizzards from some guy named Feetal, I probably would have chuckled. And I wouldn't have felt bad about it, either! If you can't laugh in the face of every reminder that our existence is brutal, short, and depressingly mediocre, you're probably a pretty nice person and I could use more of your kind in my life.

Pages Two and Three do not contain scenes with Lobo. But the rest of the Justice League of America, as they fight chimeras, mention Lobo! Batman is concerned that Lobo is dying the way Lobo has never died before. It's weird for Batman to be concerned about something that will never take place. Maybe he's not concerned at all. Maybe he just wants Ray to check on Lobo to make sure Lobo isn't accidentally genociding the people of Penn City.

Page Three is the best page so far because it contains a scene with Lobo. The Ray goes to check up on Lobo and Lobo has some instructions for him.

Remember the good old days when every drop of Lobo's blood could regenerate into a full Lobo? How did that never become the explanation for Twat Lobo and Magenta Timeline Lobo? Seriously missed opportunity.

Meanwhile on some more pages without Lobo therefore they're wasted pages, Killer Frost saves some civilians by freezing a terrorist's arm off. The civilians are ungrateful wretches who can't see the humor in a terrorist who just threatened the lives of their children losing his arm. Killer Frost is all, "Um, whoops? Don't tell Batman?"

The Ray refuses to tear out Lobo's heart for some reason. I bet it's because he's in loOoOoOoOove with Lobo! I mean, who isn't? But The Ray doesn't want to hurt the person he loves. I'm using "love" in the way all people who don't believe in love use it: to camouflage from romantic types that we're actually saying "Please give me oral pleasure until I humiliate myself in front of you with my satisfaction noises."

The Ray does cut out Lobo's heart after Lobo yells at him the way his mother used to yell at him when he tried to peak out of his dark bedroom window. After reading so many DC Comics for so many years, I have to wonder why I don't have super powers! My mom was the most paranoid and manipulative person and my dad left when I was two to become a giant drunk absentee bastard! Where is the justice that I get all of the Mommy and Daddy Issues and none of the super powers and hot trim?!

Lobo collapses because he doesn't have a heart anymore. It's not that he dies at that moment. It's just that he can't do much without any blood pumping oxygen to his brain. He just has to wait until his undying cells that can't die repair the damage and get the overall system back up and running. It's like a city that stops functioning because an earthquake destroyed most of the infrastructure. The people are still alive even though the city has come to a halt. They just have to get to work fixing it up again. Until Lobo regenerates, I guess I'll just have to suffer through a bout of being bored by this comic book.

This story is called "The Heart of a Bastich." Is bastich Latin? Do you conjugate nouns in Latin? Bastich. Basteres. Bastard. Basteremus. Bastarent. Um, anyway, I don't think the title refers to Lobo referring to himself (because of the conjgation! Duh!). I bet it turns out to be Ryan Choi who shows himself to be a real bastich because he's the only one currently facing off against Aegeus. Everybody is probably thinking, "Oh no! The poor little grad student in the nerdy glasses can't stand up to a great big charismatic terrorist who probably has a huge, thick penis! He's going to die!" But instead, he's going to be all, "I'm gonna fuck you so hard Aegeus!" Then he'll grow really small and everybody will be all, "Where is he?" Then Aegeus will get a weird look on his face. Everybody will recognize that look as the one where you suddenly feel your asshole get itchy due to physical exertion, sweat, and a rancid dingleberry you didn't know was stuck up in there. Then you contemplate how to deal with it. Do you unsatisfyingly scratch the itch through your clothing as people nearby make disgusted looks and judge you as if they've never done that before. Or do you go all in and shove your hand down the back of your pants and stick a finger way up there so that it feels like you're scratching the inside of the front of your skin, after which you remove your hand and then stall for a few moments as you glance around at who might be watching before you casually pretend to scratch your nose so you can sniff your fingers. You know that look? That's the look Aegeus will have just before The Atom expands to full size and explodes Aegeus's colon all over the room.

Oh. It doesn't happen that way. I can't say I'm disappointed though because Atom's life is rescued this way instead:

Yay Lobo! My penis rejoices at your renewed vigor!

Lobo and The Ray are merely a distraction so that The Atom can prove himself in battle. He turns tiny, avoids Aegeus's butthole, and turns big again, using the power of density or mass increasing or quantum hullabaloo to knock Aegeus out in one nerdy punch. Lobo instantly takes credit for Ryan's newfound ability to commit violent acts.

Some people don't like Lobo but that's probably because they've read versions of Lobo written and drawn by people who either don't like Lobo or don't understand Lobo. Nobody would be surprised how many writers used Lobo in the 90s simply to get a boost in sales while hating themselves for using a character they despised. And it's less surprising than that even that they would treat him as a joke and make him look as idiotic as possible. But sometimes a writer understands the character and my heart sings. Other times, an artist really gets the character and a part of me that got me banned from all Popeye's restaurants sings.

Andy MacDonald, you make my anal sphincter sing!

You don't need to hear the story about my banishment from Popeye's. But if you want more details to help create the scenario in your imagination, here are a few keywords: spicy chicken, dare, Tubgirl reenactment.

Let me say goodbye to a few followers of my blog right now since I won't get the chance after the next sentence.

I'm not sure what Lobo is threatening to do to Aegeus at the end of the above scan but I know it doesn't have anything to do with rape because that would be wrong and never funny. Especially when Lobo knows the humiliation of being married and raped by a Gothamite pervert super hero. If Lobo learned the opposite lesson, you wouldn't know it because it's not like Lobo said in the panel before the scanned panels, "I got something ta finish up. Ya might want to avert yer eyes. Also, do we have a wedding dress and a camcorder?" I mean, he said some of that! But probably not all of it.

After whatever just happened to Aegeus in the space between pages happens, his army's flying steeds turn back into salt. Without scary steeds, the army surrenders to the angry citizens of Penn City. The next day, Batman lets everybody know that "Aegeus' injuries are being treated." I would have said "Aegeus's injuries" but then I'm just smarter. Anyway, what could those injuries have been? Nobody goes into detail! Batman warned Lobo against maiming and Batman hasn't one-punched Lobo into being a better person yet, so I'm guessing Lobo just beat the guy with a tube sock stuffed with a bar of soap. Incidentally, that's the exact turn of phrase a person would use to describe a Czarnian penis.

The citizens tell Batman, "You know, thanks for, like, stopping that jerk. But he was, you know, paying us money. So now we're broke and shit. What are you going to do about that, asshole?" Before Batman can break the dick's jaw, Vixen pipes up. She's all, "I'll set up one of my non-profits here and you can all get jobs!" Then a bunch of the dumber and Republican residents are all, "How are we going to make money if it's a non-profit?! Get out of here with your communist bullshit! I'd rather starve!" But Vixen, undaunted, continues, "People notice my shit. More businesses will move in. Wealthy businesses! The totally for profit kind! The kind that probably has a big 'W' in the name, if Batman gets my fucking drift!" Then everybody cheers at the good news without realizing that they're just going to go back to making weapons in a few months when WayneTech moves in.

Later, Lobo gets me all teary eyed because I'm a pusstich, I guess.

Forget the cutesy-wutesy bonding bullshit! What did Batman promise Lobo?! I bet Batman promised to build him a glory hole portal into a sexy dimension!

I hope nobody ever shows Lobo a copy of The Cove. Japan thought the ending of World War II was awful? Wait until Lobo tattoos Fat Man and Little Boy onto his left and right fist (respectively) and wades onto their shores.

Xenos moves into The Sanctuary to help build weapons and polish Silver. That wasn't a typo; Silver is the name of Ray's penis.

I'm so happy that this comic book currently exists! Steve Orlando seems to understand and love violent psychopathic characters as much as I do! I know Twat Lobo was last seen in Larfleeze's trophy case but I hope Real Deal Lobo gets a chance to murder the fuck out of him. Multiple times even!

1 comment:

  1. "I know Twat Lobo was last seen in Larfleeze's trophy case but I hope Real Deal Lobo gets a chance to murder the fuck out of him. Multiple times even!" Or perhaps do a Red Hood with N52 'Bo and make him his own character, if not finally resolve the whole imposter angle. That has a lot of interesting possibilities in terms of potential stories.