5 Things About the Unicorn Apocalypse

unicorn_apocalypse1)    Glitter no longer is despised by men everywhere; it is instead manufactured by the Unicorns, given extreme hypnotically stimulating properties, and quickly takes the place of cocaine. Unsavory “gentlemen” snort lines of Glitter off strippers’ asses in shady club bathrooms the world over. The whole thing is still pretty unsanitary.

2)    Skittles become the currency by which nations measure their wealth. “Taste the Rainbow,” however, becomes a global sex act phenomenon, sparking the advent of the “Rainbow Orgy.”

3)    Due to the “Taste the Rainbow” global sex act phenomenon, Leprechauns in all corners of the world are ultimately forced, by necessity, to become extremely underpaid novelty sex workers. Pots of gold only spark genuine interest if the gold coins are the gold foil-wrapped chocolate kind (or the eponymous prophylactics). Regarding the latter, the Unicorns approve of the humans’ newfound concern for sexual safety and subsequent prevention of any future population explosions.

4)    Circumcision is soon considered grotesque and, thus, becomes taboo. Men desire a corporeal aesthetic look more akin to their new rulers’ most distinguishing physical characteristic. The unicorns are amused at the humans’ sheep-like mentality but still basically/ostensibly find them pesky and irksome. Between Glitter benders and Tasting the Rainbow, Humans can’t be bothered to worry about things like governing, working, or really anything that does not include Glitter benders and Rainbow orgies.

5)    Humans, amid their narcotic-infused bacchanalia—due primarily to the nearly infinite supply of Glitter—become truly useless to Earth’s new Unicorn overlords and, as a consequence of their lacking any real raison d’être, are swiftly eliminated. (Though, it should be noted, that in their altogether tweaked-out reveling in drugs and debauchery, mankind barely even noticed.) The sudden hostile power grab by Unicorns over the now-extinct human race almost immediately sparks the great “Hundred Years Unicorn-Pegasus War,” even dividing the once formidable union between Care Bears and My Little Ponies. Narwhals and Swordfish take the fight of one-horned creatures to the sea.

  1. The resulting war of Rainbows, Glitter, and Blood reduces the planet to rubble and among mammals, only the three-toed sloth survives to inherit the earth (who survived simply because they moved too slowly to join the conflict on either side. Their cries of victory, “The giant carnivorous Megatherium will rise again!” takes an entire millennia to disseminate among their kind.

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