Introducing Brother Lonnie’s Approved Prosthetic Limbs For Masturbatory Amputees

The future of self-rape

We stand with Lonnie!!!

In a world where masturbation has run rampant, more and more people are having their arms or hands amputated due to masturbation injuries and diseases. While we do not approve of the activities that self-rapists involve themselves in, we do still care about the human species and the blacks, so Brother Lonnie has invented some amazing prosthetic limbs for people who lost their limbs as a result of masturbation. This will be our first of many advertisements for these products, but if you order before our next ad comes out, we will give you a 50% discount, just type “Self-Rape Amputee” in the coupon box. The rest of this page will describe the products and the benefits to the amputee that orders them.

Normals and non-normals can both enjoy this classic prosthetic.
Normals and non-normals can both enjoy this classic prosthetic.

#1) The classic “angry old man”. Excellent for general use, this prosthetic device will lend you a “hand” when kneading dough, defending yourself against angry juggaloons or any activity that requires a bare knuckle approach. Not intended for use by homosexuals or lesbians for fisting activities. We believe that this fist could have ended the “Black Panther” terrorist group, but the Liberals wanted extra rights for the tribals.

Pray all day, every day.
Pray all day, every day.

#2) The “Prayer Champ”. With this prosthetic, the amputee can constantly be close to Jesus or Brother Lonnie. They also have the ability to perform a double pimp slap on anyone who disrespects Brother Lonnie, or attempts to self-rape in their presences. A perfect match for Olympic diver, marijuanas injector, and self-rapist Michael Phelps. We just need him to agree to the amputation now.

Two hands are better than one.
Two hands are better than one.

#3) This is for the ambidextrous self-rapers who had both hands amputated due to the bad AIDS. It fits on one arm, but gives you the feeling of having two hands again(neither of which are available for masturbation. We call it tough love). I dare you to try masturbating with this prosthetic actually. If you get one hand to work on your sin stick, the other will be punching you in Satan’s eggs aka the testicles. Good luck, Self-Rapists.

The Glove is love.
The Glove is love.

#4) This item was created because apparently self-rapists enjoy the Stargate Trek Wars films. Dark Vapors was an evil character in the Stargate trilogy, and he used his “male privilege” aka “the force” to choke people with his glove. We believe that he was one of the best superheroes ever, and we appreciate his use of force, just like we appreciate the use of force by any Police Officer ever, unless they try to raid our compound.

We stand with Lonnie!!!
We stand with Lonnie!!!
About Bruce Danus 14 Articles
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20 Comments on Introducing Brother Lonnie’s Approved Prosthetic Limbs For Masturbatory Amputees

  1. This confirms your stupidity. If you’re gonna insult sci-fi, do it properly and use newer franchises like Halo or Mass Effect that people know better.

    • What does any of this have to do with “Sci-Fi”??? Also, what is Mass Effect, and what makes you think that Halos aren’t real? You are making less sense with every new comment you make, Smart Guy.

      • Science fiction is the whole reason in # 4, and the Mass Effect and Halo storylines are recent video game storylines. Look them up. Or better yet, I want to see your version of them, it’ll make me laugh, so go ahead and write an article about it. Humor me.

  2. This is the dumbest shit I have ever read in my life if only I got my hands on one of the sick fucks who made this website if fuckin kill all of em

    • Hi there, Fapper. Thanks for reading my article, kiddo. The first step on the road to ending your self-rape addiction, is seeking out ways to help yourself. Visiting this site was a great first step, champ. Now, you should consider taking the Stop Masturbation Now pledge, and let Brother Lonnie give you His Golden Shower of Love. After you do that, your life will have changed completely, and you will reap all the rewards of a non-masturbator. I’ll be praying at you, and hope you will take the pledge, and stop raping yourself in your mother’s basement. May Lonnie bless you.

  3. Hi question… Why would you display toys that people use for fisting themselves asan anti masturbation tool. Just a question and something to think about.

    • 3 questions for you:
      #1. Why would you call prosthetic limbs “toys”? They are medical devices to help amputees live an almost normal life.
      #2. What is “fisting”? Is that a term used in the UFC sporting matches?
      #3. Are you really O.J. Simpson, or are you just stealing his name, “Juice”?

    • I am disgusted by your “name”. I know for a fact that you are not Adolph Hitler. Your IP address is not from Argentina, and I know that dad lives in Argentina. Stop using fake accounts here.

      • Argentina is in South America, Hitler was from Austria, not Australia, A-U-S-T-R-I-A
        Don’t worry I forgive you, you’re just stupid.

        • Sheesh. Argentina is the country Hitler and a bunch of other Nazis escaped to right before the “end” of World War 2. Hitler lived there until his death in his early 90s. This has been documented in dozens of printed zines and can be found on various truth-based discussion forums.

          You probably still believe that World War 2 “ended” and was “won” by the Americans. Silly silly.

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