New Dating Rules: The Subtleties of 'Relationship Lite'

New Line Cinema/Courtesy Everett Collection, NEW LINE CINEMA / THE KOBAL COLLECTION
I've been seeing someone for a few months. We text daily. When we hang out there's always a sober sleepover involved. We've met (and like) each other's friends. We know each other's middle names. We haven't decided whether or not we should be exclusive with one another, but there's a level of intimacy and romance there that's hard to find in the New York dating scene. We've entered a phase I like to call "Relationship Lite."

It's that nebulous stage when you're spending so much time together that other prospects start to fade away, deeper feelings start to develop, and you may have a toothbrush at his place. However, you're probably both still having sex with other people.

In February, Helen Fisher, PhD, biological anthropologist and author of Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love, conducted an annual study called "Singles in America" in partnership with Based on a representative sample of the American public, 45 percent of people said that a casual, friends-with-benefits scenario had developed into a long-term partnership.

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But when does that shift occur? Are people still having "the talk?"

My guy and I did—partially because I felt like I was supposed to, and partially because a newlywed friend thought I would get hurt if I didn't. Nothing really came out of it. For us, all the talking in the world wouldn't change the inopportune timing. He's still emotionally unavailable; I'm still flip-flopping between not wanting a boyfriend and wanting more. Let's just say we're still straight-up Relationship Lite.

I used to think people's fear of commitment stemmed from too many options—that pesky idea that someone more attractive, smarter, richer, or better in bed was just around the corner. Most single people I know date and sleep with multiple people at once, and I suppose they do it mostly because they can. In a city like New York, you can have your regular thing in Greenpoint and side fling in TriBeCa—those two probably won't cross paths.

Sexual exclusivity is often used as a metaphor for a relationship without having to discuss actual feelings. But by blindly agreeing to it, you might really be entering into a slightly more serious subset of Relationship Lite. It's a strategic movethat still allows for small print: I won't shag anyone else, but you're not invited home for Thanksgiving. "We became exclusive because we didn't want to use condoms anymore," one friend told me, her rationale echoing that of so many others I spoke to. "But it was two more months before he called me his girlfriend."

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The breaking point is different for everyone. Perhaps it's the realization that he's still sleeping with someone else, you didn't get invited on a group vacation, or he still introduces you as his "friend"—even though you've been seeing each other for months. And just because you talked a few weeks ago and were cool being exclusive-but-casual or consistent-but-non-exclusive, or whatever, doesn't mean you should bite your tongue when suddenly that is no longer enough for you.

Personally, I'm coasting in Relationship Lite because I don't know what role I want this guy to play in my life, and that's something I need to consider before making even the most basic level of commitment. All the honesty and analyzing in the world isn't the antidote to uncertainty. Relationship Lite allows you to explore—or just simply enjoy—someone when you aren't exactly sure where they fit in.

So I'm going to embrace it until, perhaps as soon as next week, I'm ready for Relationship Heavy.

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