How to Break It to Your Republican Friends That Hillary Won't Be Going to Jail

WASHINGTON (Goodyear Satire Company)--

Pity the poor Republican voters, fed a diet of lies about Hillary Clinton for so long that they actually believe she'll spend the next eight years in solitary confinement instead of in the Oval Office.

We have three words for them: Not. Gonna. Happen.

Here are 10 reasons she won't be indicted, much less go to jail, and the ways to break it to your wingnut friends so they don't harm themselves when they learn the truth.

1. She's a Clinton. Bill and Hillary Clinton have their own brand of Teflon that allows them to be shaken, but in the end, not stirred. So tell your friends she won't be indicted over a nice home-cooked nonstick meal served with martinis. Lots of martinis.

2. The Democrats own Washington DC. The Attorney General is part of the Executive Branch, the head of which is President Obama. He'd sooner throw Joe Biden under the bus if it could lead to a Republican takeover of the White House. So tell your wingnut friends after a rowdy night on the town. Hopefully you'll be able to make your getaway while they're still too drunk to remember.

3. The GOP "The Sky Is Falling" Mantra Talk radio has blown the whistle on so many Clinton non-scandals that they all whistle past the graveyard. Here's how conservative talk radio sounds to a Springer Spaniel: "Blah blah blah Benghazi blah blah blah." So take them to an ASPCA and get them a comfort animal.

4. She did it in plain sight. The Benghazi Committee had some of Hillary's emails for two years before any of the crack Republican investigators realized she wasn't using a email address. Duh. So tell your conservative friends when they're sleeping.

5. She's the Democratic frontrunner. Do you think the judiciary wants to choose the next president, too? Didn't the Supreme Court's choosing George W. Bush do enough damage to America? So break it to your tinfoil-hat-wearing friends gently, so they willingly come down from the clocktower.

6. A Federal Court has already released the emails. When all the evidence has been released under a court order, there's no "smoking gun." So let your friend read and tell them about Hillary walking scot-free before the shock of seeing the website wears off. Depending on their lead story, the shock may last for days.

7. Top Secret Emails Must Remain Top Secret. To prove Hillary mishandled top secret emails, the prosecution would have to release the top secret emails in open court for the judge, jury, all of America and all of the world to see. Not gonna happen. Lots of potential espionage trials have settled for this very reason: the US doesn't want to give up its secrets just to get a conviction. Tell your Trump-voting friend by text message so you're not within range.

8. The Government wants this to go away. Pity the poor government employee who went after Hillary's hide if she's elected. The day after her inauguration he'll be working in an Afghan agricultural mission. And whichever department he worked for would be merged into the Labor Department and eliminated. Tell your friend doing your best Aaron Sorkin impression after watching a "West Wing" marathon.

9. The Doofus Benghazi Committee Put The Emails on Their Server, Too. The committee chairman could be prosecuted, for doing just that. And you can prove intent against them. They intended to violate national security in order to sink Hillary's candidacy. Still think Hillary or any of the committee Republican'ts are gonna be indicted? Tell your wingnut friends the way we've always given them bad news: put it in a Facebook post surrounded by lots of smileys.

10. Colin Powell and Condi Rice Both Received Classified Emails on their Accounts, Too. The State Department didn't have a classified email system for their email, either. Reports are they had their own private email servers... housed at the headquarters of the Republican National Committee. And we know that place is secure. So watch "All the President's Men" on Netflix, and chill.