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The Rat who is made of Stainless Steel

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BB Piano
Woke very early after a late night, and around 5 hours sleep. I had a dream about Marian, set in some weird garden centre come office. I was working there and it was the time after we had broken up. I kept seeing her from afar as she was walking away, and I was discussing with her friends how I could get back together with her. The last thing I remember was her dressed in black walking away, and then I forced myself awake. Dreams like this always contaminate real life as I felt incredibly depressed and pissed off when I woke up (I'm sure Marian would think I was "weak and pathetic" for thinking things like this). Anyway I got up, did a couple of things and went back to bed again and just woke up feeling a little more refreshed. I forget how tiredness significantly effects my attitude.

Things are starting to feel very routine: get up, shower, cycle, eat, try and find things to pass the time, go to sleep again. Not a very pleasant feeling. Anyway, I'm not cycling today. My body feels wrecked for some reason, possibly due to the oversleep. Picking my parents up from the airport this evening in theory. In some ways it'll be good to have them back, even if they are responsible for this mess.

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You need to try to find things to pass the time?
It's no wonder you're sleeping all the time!
I have far more things to do than I possibly have time for, and thus I only feel tired as a result of sleeping four hours out of every twenty-four, which tends to happen when I'm on the early shift.  I try to get at least six or seven hours sleep, for reasons of health and sanity!

Keep busy, it's good for you!
(I'm sure that with your studying and exercise regime and stuff you should have no trouble filling your time, right?)

I feel quite envious of people that have a lot to do, although I am sure some say this for reasons of ego rather than reality. I would love to be in a state like this! For some reason I have lost the ability and/or motivation to keep myself busy so I mostly drift from one thing to another. Hence inactivity, sedentary lifestyle, feeling tired perhaps (sleep is preferable), as you say. Modesty aside, by nature I'm a very efficient and capable person, but I cannot apply it. Believe me, it's *incredibly* frustrating.

The exercise fills a small portion of my day, and the studying is an evening class which will end next week. I've been unemployed since November which isn't helping either.

Sorry for the depressing pessimistic negative comments.

Well it's a vicious circle isn't it?
I was pretty much in the same position as you, then I thought to myself "What do I want to do, what do I want to be, and how can I get there?".
I realised that starting a local vegan group would get me into contact with a lot more people, would provide me with a lot of satisfaction (and a little frustration at times!), and would fill lots of time.
As I am between 26K and 30K in debt, just organising my way out of that can take up some time!
I listed a load of things that I wanted to do, many of which I haven't even got started on yet.  For example, I realised that I don't know anywhere near as much about my PC and web authoring as I would like to, so I decided that I would learn about that, got some books out of the library, signed up to a free online I.T. course, and got going!
Other things I want to get into:
Learning French, then other languages.
Target Shooting.
Re-aquiring a reasonable level of artistic ability.
Re-learning maths to A-level standard.
Learning about electronics (for numerous reasons).
Getting back into making and painting models (I used to be into Games Workshop stuff)
and this and that and so much more!

Yep, it's a vicious circle, and I sincerely wish I could break out of it. You have a great attitude, and that's what I am lacking. I know I need it, but as Morpheus rightly said, "there's a difference between knowing the path, and walking the path".

I have started a list of non-trivial things that I can do even in the short term, but I still find it hard to get going with them (although cycling is proving to be the better one so far). Perhaps if I can find a good job, this will be a signficant help, although destiny will have its hand in that one.

I guess I'm just lacking that singular motivation. The "why bother?" comes into my head a lot, perhaps stemming from some deep seated questions. Confusing times...

Thanks for your interest and advice.

I don't really know if I'm in a position to actually advise anyone (although I find myself trying to sometimes!), I just report what I have experienced, and if it's any help to you, that's great!

Experiential "advice" beats theory pretty much any time in my opinion :-) I'm always fascinated by people and their experiences anyway, whether it fits in with my life or not.

Your icon looks fascinating, can I see the full size version anywhere?

When I was young I had a book with poetry and art by Blake, and I have always thought that his lumpily muscular forms in shades of pale blue and brownish pink looked unsettlingly distant from reality.

My secret's out!

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