Frasier is reluctantly helping Lana as she tries to sell a house, despite the depressed owner driving away all potential buyers. Niles and Daphne take Eddie for a walk in the park, and Niles meets Jim, an attractive dog owner whom Daphne sees there often. Martin is attending the parole hearing of the man who shot him years ago.
ACT ONE Scene One - Apartment The doorbell rings. Daphne opens the door to Roz, who is carrying Alice. Roz: Hey, Daphne. Daphne: Hello, Roz, Alice. What brings you here? Roz: We're borrowing Frasier's car. Daphne: Oh, I see. And you're leaving Alice here as collateral. Roz: Actually, he's being very nice about it. Mine's in the shop, and I'm taking Alice and a few of her friends to an ice cream party. Frasier: [emerging from hallway] You told me it was your friends, and the Science Center! Roz: He said, she said, we'll never know what really happened. Frasier, don't be so uptight. I'm not gonna hurt your precious car. Frasier: I am not uptight, it's just that I've had some unfortunate experiences before loaning out my car. Daphne: [going to the hall] I left an umbrella in the trunk. Frasier: It was a wet umbrella! Roz: Can I have the keys? Alice whines softly, prompting Frasier to take them out. Frasier: [sighs] Yes, yes. [drops them in her hand] After all, what are fine possessions for if not to be used and enjoyed? [lugubrious] And who better to enjoy them than the delightful souls of small children? Roz: I'll put a tarp in the backseat. Frasier: Oh, bless you. Roz turns to leave and runs into Niles. Niles: Hey Roz, hello Alice. What brings you here? Roz: Oh, Frasier loaned me his car, I backed mine into a telephone pole. Frasier: You said you were getting a tune-up! Roz: [as the elevator doors close] It needs one, trust me! Niles: Is, uh, Daphne ready? Frasier: Uh, actually I think she's in her room. You two have plans? Niles: Yes, I am taking her to the botanical gardens. Can you believe she's never been before? Frasier: Didn't Donny take her to the botanical gardens last year? Niles: Can you believe she's never been before? Daphne comes out with Eddie on a leash. Niles: Hey, Daphne! Daphne: Hello, Niles. Niles: Ready to go to the gardens? Daphne: Yeah, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to take Eddie for a walk first. [kisses him] Niles: Where's Dad? Daphne: I don't know, he's been gone all morning. Niles: Oh well, here, I'll take him for a quick walk. Daphne: Oh no, he's gonna need more than that, or he'll go stir-crazy. He's gonna need a full hour at the dog park. Niles: [checks his watch] We don't have time to go the dog park, the-the Tour of Succulents starts promptly at twelve. Uh, hey, Frasier, can you take him? Frasier: No, I'm sorry, Niles. Roz has my car, you see, and Lana's coming by to pick me up for a tutoring session with Kirby. Daphne: I'll just get Eddie's toys. [leaves] Frasier: [on phone] Hello, this is Dr. Frasier Crane, I need to make an emergency appointment tomorrow, for a complete cleaning of my BMW. June 10th?! But I've got a Clean Team Privileges Card! Yes, of course it's a platinum one! [takes it out and looks] No, no there are no diamonds on the corner. Well, then yes, I'd like to become a member of the Diamond Alliance immediately. Fine, put me on the waiting list. I'll see you in June. [hangs up] Niles: [needling] You're not in the Diamond Alliance? Frasier: Don't do that! [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - Park Niles and Daphne are sitting together on a bench in the park, with Eddie. All around them are dogs playing with their owners. Niles: So this is it. Daphne: Mmm-hmm. Niles: I'd hardly call this a dog park. [looks around] It's more like a dog... orgy. Whose beagles are those? Daphne: Don't stare, it only encourages them. Niles: Well, hurry up, Eddie, there's lots of exciting depravity to explore. [Eddie doesn't move] Daphne: [takes out a short piece of thick rope] He wants to play a little fetch. Niles: Oh. Daphne: Well here, you throw it. Niles: With my bare hands? Daphne: Oh come on, it's fun. Niles: [takes it] Ready? Here we go. And, fetch! He tosses the rope about two feet away. Eddie quickly picks it up and brings it back. Niles: All right, I didn't give you enough of a challenge. Here, ready, ready? And, ho! [throws it farther] Go get it! [Eddie runs after it] I'm sorry, I was a bit of a grouch. This is actually a fine way to spend the day. Daphne: Yeah... Niles: In fact, it's kind of... He trails off as a huge hound comes back with the end of the rope hanging from his jaws. Niles: Hello. Do you suppose the rest of Eddie's in there? Jim, a tall, handsome, athletic man, follows the hound. Eddie follows him. Jim: Good boy, good boy! Sorry about that, Daphne, but what with the organic vitamin paste I've been feeding Tank here, Eddie can't keep up with him. Daphne: It's no problem, Jim. Uh, Niles, this is Jim Grady and Tank. This is Niles, my boyfriend. Niles: [shaking hands] Pleasure. Jim: Boyfriend? Ah, I should have known. It seems like every time I'm single you're in a relationship, and every time you're single I'm in a relationship. Daphne: Yeah, that's true. Jim: I guess we just don't have- Daphne: Timing! Jim: -good... [Daphne laughs] And I'm a drummer! Niles: Which, uh, makes it even more ironic! Tank starts climbing Niles's leg, to his horror. Jim: Tank, that's rude! Now, chill. [Tank obeys] Niles: Wow. Daphne: Wow, you've really got him trained. That's the problem with Eddie. He only listens when he thinks he's gonna get food. Niles: Or one of my socks! [laughs, no one else does] But mostly food. Jim: Well, it's all in the voice tone, really. Any dog can learn to respond to it, even an old wheezer like Eddie. You, uh, want me to show you? Daphne: I'd love it. Jim: Come on. [she gets up] Niles: Yeah, we'd all love it! He gets up to follow them, but his cell phone rings. Niles: Oh uh, you guys, uh... [but they're gone] Be right back. [sits and answers] Hello?! SMASH CUT TO: A close-up of Martin, dressed in a dark suit and talking on a mobile: Martin: Hi Niles, it's me. I just wanted to make sure Daphne took Eddie for a walk, I completely forgot about it this morning. Niles: Yeah, yeah, we're in the dog park now. Uh, where are you, anyway? The camera widens to show Martin seated at a table in a nondescript room. It looks a little like a canteen. In the background are two people in suits, conferring. Martin: Uh, I'm at the track. Uh, had an itch for it when I woke up, and so just I dropped everything and went. Uh, I'm at the window... [puts the phone to his shoulder] I'll have a trifecta in the eighth. [into phone] All right, gotta run. Niles: Wait, uh- Martin hangs up. He looks very pensive. [SCENE_BREAK] MR. HAPPY PANTS Scene Three - House Lana opens the door to the house, and Frasier follows her in. Frasier: Well, I didn't realize that I was going to be selling houses with you today! Why didn't you just drop me off and then come on your own? Lana: Stop whining! It'll only take a minute. I hope we don't run into the sad sack who owns this place. She notices some framed family pictures on the otherwise bare shelves, and quickly removes them to a box on the floor. Lana: I've been trying to sell this house for over a year! But he keeps driving away every potential buyer. Frasier: How does he do that? Phillip, the world's saddest man (judging by his unshaven face and filthy clothes) lumbers in carrying a box. Phillip: Oh... hi. I heard a woman's voice, I thought it might be my wife coming back to me. Lana: [as if to a child] No. She lives in Portland now, with her new husband, Lamar, remember? [Phillip nods sadly] Oh, excuse me, Frasier Crane, Phillip Donovan, the current owner. Frasier: Hello. Phillip: Hi. Lana: Well, see you later Phillip! Not seeming to hear her, Phillip puts the box on the floor and sinks onto the couch. Phillip: Anyway, my wife just left with the kids. No talking, no explanations, just ripped my heart out and threw it to the dogs - which she also took. Frasier: Well, uh, at least you're... getting out at the top of the market! Lana: Actually, this is a very good time, Phillip, and I think today is the day! Phillip: [opening the box] Oh, no! Lana: Oh, God! Frasier: What's wrong? Phillip: The damn basement must have flooded again. Everything in this box is ruined. Little Suzy's cap she wore home from the hospital, ruined; Danny's first soccer uniform, ruined! Frasier: Well, you know, I have an excellent drycleaner- Lana: [hissed] No! Frasier drops his coat onto a chair and sits beside Phillip on the couch. Frasier: Once, actually, I spilled butter on a pair of white velvet pantaloons. [off their looks] Well, it's a long story. But, uh, he had it out in under a minute! Lana: Frasier, just give him the address. Frasier: Yes, yes... Phillip: [shows him some pictures] I have two sons and two daughters. The perfect American family... until that b*st*rd Lamar showed up to snake our drains. Now all I have left are weekend visits, and a few treasures from their childhood. He takes out a popsicle stick house and puts it on the coffee table. Phillip: Like this house little Danny and I made at day camp. Oh, thank goodness, it made it through unscathed. Just a little water damage in the basement. Just like this house... Frasier: Phillip, you are still their father. I mean, I know things seem difficult right now, but believe me, it'll get easier. Phillip: Oh, it's already easier. I mean, look at me, I'm dressed. Lana: Phillip, you know what would really cheer you up, is to make a killing on this house! Now, don't you think you should get back to work? Phillip: I guess. That air traffic isn't gonna control itself. [gets up] Lana: OK, here we go. [he heads toward the front] No, not the front door! Let's go out the side door. [steers him] It's good to see you again, Phillip, I'll call you when we sell the place, bye! She shoves him out. Frasier: Good lord, that man is obviously in pain, the least you could be is a little sympathetic! Lana: I have been sympathetic for fifteen months! I had him over for Thanksgiving! He got drunk the first half-hour and cried himself to sleep in my coat closet! And I consider that one of our good days! Frasier: Well, so where are these so-called buyers of yours? You told me they'd be here in a few minutes. Lana: Well, they're obviously running late, OK? It'll give us time to go over the plan. Frasier: What, what, there's a plan? Lana: Well, sure. When the Smolenskis get here, you act like you want the house. You know, a little competition, put a little pressure on the deal. Frasier: You're asking me to be your shill? Lana: [slaps her forehead in mock surprise] That's the word! Yes, yes! Now listen, you don't have to say anything! Frasier: I'm sorry, no! Lana: Well, why not?! Well, look, OK, all you have to do is walk around with an interested look on your face. You know, they'll fill in the rest! Frasier: I will do no such thing! Lana: Why won't you help me?! Frasier: Because I refuse to lie for you! Lana: Oh fine, then go wait in the car! Frasier: I never wanted to leave the car! Lana: Oh, just get out! She grabs his coat and flings it at him, hitting the stick house and shattering it into a hundred pieces. They are both horrified. END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO Scene Four - House Lana is picking up the pieces. Frasier comes in the door with a grocery bag. Frasier: All right, I got some cream-sicles, and fudge-sicles, and something they call, uh, "Bomb Pops!" Lana: I called the Smolenskis, I bought us a little extra time. Frasier: Right, good, good. All right, let's spread out some paper and then build us a house! Lana: So Frasier, with all your talk about honesty, how do you justify faking this thing? Frasier: Well... we're simply protecting the feelings of an innocent man. Nothing dishonest about that. Lana: Uh-huh. [holds up a piece] So, uh, are you gonna write, "I love you, Daddy" or am I? Frasier: [It's a dirty job, but] I'll do it. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Five - Park Daphne watches, delighted, as Tank obeys Jim's every command. Jim: Sit. Wave, wave. All right, hide your eyes, hide your eyes. Hide 'em... Niles and Eddie are sitting on the bench watching them. In his loneliness, Niles has begun to pet Eddie. Niles: Hey Eddie, don't worry about that other dog. He may be bigger and flashier and better-looking, but...you have substance. She knows that. Daphne: [coming back] How amazing is Jim? He's so connected to animals, it's almost magical. Niles: Daphne, I've been musing about you and me, and I have a thought. Daphne: Yeah? Niles: In every healthy relationship, I may ask for an occasional - very occasional - irrational demand. Daphne: What do you mean? Niles: Uh, a thing we insist the other do or not do, and the other one has to do it or not do it, without question. Daphne: Is that fair? Niles: It is. Because we each get one, and only one, for our whole relationship. Daphne: Well, if it's important to you. Niles: Then it's agreed? Daphne: Agreed. Niles: Good... oh, I've got mine! Daphne: Already? Niles: Yes. Uh, I want you to promise never to come to this dog park again. Daphne: What? Niles: I know it sounds extreme, even unreasonable - but that's the beauty of the irrational demand. Daphne: Is this about Jim? Niles: The, uh, demand cannot be scrutinized. It is, by definition, irrational. Daphne: And are you sure this is how you want to use your only one? Niles: Absolutely. I've thought this through, a lot. Irrationally, of course. Daphne: OK, if you're sure. I promise never to come to this dog park again. Niles: Thank you. I knew you'd understand. [kisses her] Jim and Tank come over. Jim: All right, we're going home. Tank needs to re-hydrate, and, oof, I'm late for a deltoid workout. Daphne: Well, I guess this is goodbye, Jim. Jim: Yep, by this time next week I'll be leading my first raft tour in Chile. Niles: Really? Jim: Yeah. Niles: Wow, when do you get back? Daphne: Oh, he's not coming back. He's moving there. [to Jim] Good luck, Jim. Jim: Yes, you too. [hugs her; to Niles] And, uh, stay cool, buddy. Niles: Oh, you know it. Jim and Tank leaves. Daphne: [sighs] I wonder how I'll use my irrational demand... oh, what's my rush? I've got years to think it over. Niles looks very nervous. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Six - Waiting Room Martin is still seated in the waiting room. Joanne, a woman in her early 50's, comes in and sees him. They seem comfortable with each other, but nervous about something else. Joanne: Hi, Martin. Martin: Hello, Joanne. Joanne: How have you been? Martin: Pretty good. Oh please, have a seat. Joanne: Thanks. [sits] I was worried I was going to be late with all that construction going on. Martin: Yeah, I know, it's a mess. Joanne: How's your hip? Martin: Ah, you learn to live with it. Joanne: I think about you a lot, you know. I've wanted to call, but... I don't know. Martin: I understand, it's OK. Joanne: So... another year has gone by. Martin: Yeah. Time really flies. Joanne: I guess it goes a little slower for me. Silence. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Seven - House Frasier and Lana are eating popsicles and finishing their new house, which is now only lacking a roof. Frasier: How's our roof coming? Lana: Almost done. Frasier: Good. [looks at her] You know, there was a time back in high school when I would have paid a thousand dollars to watch you eat a popsicle. She just looks at him with the popsicle in her mouth... and bites off the end, making him flinch. Frasier: It was a long time ago. Lana: I think it's kind of funny that we became friends. Frasier: We're friends? Lana: Well, sure we are. Why wouldn't you think so? The end of Frasier's popsicle falls off and dribbles down his shirt. Frasier: Oh, dear... Lana: Nice going, dipstick! [takes a tissue and wipes his shirt] Frasier: It's a brand-new shirt. Engine noises outside. Lana: I hear a car. It's the Smolenskis. [gets up] OK, keep working. Frasier: Right. Lana: I gotta go up to Phil's room and spray some air freshener around. His room reeks of... I don't know, despair! She leaves the room. Frasier, before resuming work, takes the scissors and cuts a hole in the middle of a large piece of wall-paper on the floor, and puts it over his head as a smock, all the while holding the popsicle in his mouth. As he resumes, the elderly Smolenskis come in. Mrs. Smolenski: It's even nicer than I remember! They see him - a grown man wearing a huge paper smock, glueing sticks together and sucking on a popsicle. Mrs. Smolenski: Well, hello there! Are you having fun making your little house? Frasier, mouth engaged, is unable to reply. Lana comes in. Lana: Oh, there you are! Hi - oh, I see you've met Frasier. I am so glad you came today, because the interest on this place is really heating up! Mr. Smolenski: Well, we're certainly interested as well, but we've- we've heard that a lot of homes in this area have a flooding problem. Now, what do you know about the basement here? Lana: Honestly? Mr. Smolenski: Yes. Lana: This house is sixty years old, and I have only heard of it flooding once. Mr. Smolenski: Oh! Frasier clears his throat loudly. Lana: And I could tell you for a fact that the permanent owner stores some of his most cherished keepsakes in that basement. Frasier makes a hacking cough. Mrs. Smolenski: Are you choking on your lolly? Frasier: [takes out popsicle] No. I am choking on something far more dangerous and destructive than a simple sugary treat. It's a prolific and powerful poison known as: deception! Mrs. Smolenski: He's very verbal! Even from within his smock, Frasier manages to look righteous and accusing. Lana: Oh, you know, I just remembered! Gosh, you know, the owner did mention something about a recent little moisture problem downstairs. Tell you what, why don't I give him a call and see if he'll come down just a tiny bit in the price? Mrs. Smolenski: Oh, that'd be wonderful! Mr. Smolenski: If he could give us a break in the price, I'm sure we'll make an offer. Lana: Oh, great! I'll call you tonight. Mrs. Smolenski: Thank you. Mr. Smolenski: [to Frasier] Bye, sonny. Lana: [as they leave] Call you tonight! She closes the door. Frasier has placed the roof on the house. Frasier: There now, you see? You did the right thing. That wasn't so bad, was it? Lana: I guess not. Oh, look at our little house, it looks great! They start cleaning up, putting their supplies in the grocery bag. Frasier: Say, you know, we got a few extra popsicle sticks left, why don't we add on a half a bath? Lana laughs. Frasier heads for the side door, then stops and turns back. Frasier: You know, Lana, I think the house should go the other way around - with the door facing the couch. [off her look] Feng Shui! Lana: Fine, fine, fine, fine. He leaves the room. Lana lifts the house - and the coffee table comes with it. She tries again, without luck. She braces the table with her legs, and tugs. Nothing. Making a rapid decision, she lifts the coffee table and turns it around so the door is now facing the couch. Frasier comes back. Frasier: Ah, perfect. Lana: Perfect. Frasier: Now you see, doesn't it feel good to tell the truth? It's like breathing a breath of fresh air, and- Lana: Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's go! Frasier: Oh, all right. They go out the door. [SCENE_BREAK] MOMMIE DEAREST Scene Eight - Apartment Roz steps off the elevator carrying Alice. She kneels down and stands Alice opposite her. Roz: OK, Alice, before we see Uncle Frasier, let's remember together what really happened. ALICE'S P.O.V. - Her mother looking straight at her. Roz: Now, did you throw up in Uncle Frasier's car? Alice shakes her head from side to side. Roz: No-you-didn't. That smell was there before, wasn't it? Nods up and down. Roz: That's-my-girl. [holds out a pack of M&M;'s] There you go. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Nine - Hearing Room David Hicks, a man in his 20's, is sitting in a chair, wearing a denim prison uniform. In front of him are the three members of a Parole Board. Behind him, the room is empty except for Martin, Joanne, and a guard. David: And besides the library assignment, I've been taking a computer class on Wednesdays. I hope to get a job with computers... when I get out. 1st BM: Can you tell us what consideration, if any, you've given this crime? David: Well... I regret it, everyday. I was young at the time, and I wasn't thinking - you know, about the consequences. And I'm very sorry. 2nd BM: The victim is here. Mr. Crane? [Martin stands up] Would you like to make a statement? Martin looks at Joanne, then shakes his head. Martin: I have nothing to say. [sits back down] 3rd BM: Would you give us a moment? The Board confers with each other in whispers. 3rd BM: Mr. Hicks, the board commends you for your participation in the in-house programs to better yourself, and for your record of excellent conduct. We have weighed this against your conviction of shooting a police officer during the commission of a robbery � and find that the length of your time served has not yet met the standards for proportionality, equality, and justice as required by state law. Parole is denied. As the Parole Board gets up and leaves the room, the guard comes forward to take David back to his cell. Joanne begins to cry, softly. Martin rises, considering whether or not to say anything to her - and then decides to leave quietly. END OF ACT TWO [SCENE_BREAK] Park: Daphne throws the piece of rope again, but Eddie doesn't move. Niles gets up and comes back with it. She takes the rope and playfully tousles his hair as if petting a dog. Playing along, he wags his leg like a tail.
A Day In May