Sheldon tries to maintain his friendships with Leonard and Penny, now that they have broken up, as they consider whether they can still be friends with each other.
Scene: The lobby. Penny: Oh, damn, they cancelled my Visa. Oh, yay, a new MasterCard! Sheldon: Uh-oh. Penny: What? Sheldon: I was going to get my mail. Penny: Okay. Are, are you hoping to get it telepathically? Sheldon: I think you mean telekinetically. And no, I just wasn't sure of the proper protocol now that you and Leonard are no longer having coitus. Penny: God, can we please just say no longer seeing each other? Sheldon: Well, we could if it were true. But as you live in the same building, you see each other all the time. The variable which has changed is the coitus. Penny: Okay, here's the protocol, you and I are still friends, and you stop saying coitus. Sheldon: Good, good. I'm glad we're still friends. Penny: Really? Sheldon: Oh, yes. It was a lot of work to accommodate you in my life. I'd hate for that effort to have been in vain. Penny: Right. Sheldon: Just to be clear do I have to stop saying coitus with everyone or just you? Penny: Everyone. Sheldon: Harsh terms. But all right, I'll just substitute intercourse. Penny: Great. Sheldon: Or fornication. Yeah. But that has judgmental overtones, so I'll hold that in reserve. Penny: So, how you been? Sheldon: Well, my existence is a continuum, so I've been what I am at each point in the implied time period. Penny: You're just coitusing with me, aren't you? Sheldon: Bazinga. Penny: Mmm. How's Leonard doing? Sheldon: He seems all right. Although he does spend a disturbing amount of time looking at photographs of you and smelling the pillow you slept on. Oh, but now that I think of it, he asked me not to tell you that. Penny: I'll pretend I didn't hear it. Sheldon: I'd rather you pretend I didn't say it. I see you bought Mama Italia marinara spaghetti sauce. Penny: Yep. Sheldon: That's the sauce my mother uses. She likes cooking Italian because according to her, that's what the Romans made Jesus eat. Penny: Interesting. I'll have to have you over for spaghetti some night. Sheldon: I'm hungry now. Penny: Oh. Um, okay. Why don't you give me an hour and come over? Sheldon: Will you cut up hot dogs into little chunks and mix them in with the sauce? Penny: I don't have hot dogs. Sheldon: Oh, it's all right, I do. Oh! You're in for what my mother calls a real Eye-talian treat. (Enters apartment). Leonard: Hey, where you been? Sheldon: I was talking with Penny. Howard: What's wrong with you? You can't hang out with your roommate's ex. That's totally uncool. Leonard: No, no, it's fine. I don't care. I'm over it. Raj: Yeah, he's over it, that's why he's been whining all day about trying to invent that memory-wiper gizmo from Men in Black. Sheldon: Is he making any progress? Because I'd like to erase Ben Affleck as Daredevil. Howard: So would Ben Affleck. The point is, in a situation like this you got to pick sides. You're either on Team Leonard or Team Penny. Sheldon: Which one picks last? Howard: What? Sheldon: Well, usually I'm on the team that picks last. Unless there's a kid in a wheelchair. Leonard: Sheldon, I got you your tangerine chicken. I hope you're hungry. Sheldon: Well, of course I'm hungry. And as I have no plans to eat with any other team, I will consume my tangerine chicken with the appropriate gusto. Mm, mm, mm! Leonard: Okay. Sheldon: Just out of curiosity, do we still have hot dogs? Leonard: I don't know. Why? Sheldon: Just making dinner conversation. Go, Team Leonard! Credits sequence Scene: A few moments later. Howard: Oh, God, this is good. Raj: Let me ask you a question. Do you believe you're going to go to hell for eating sweet and sour pork? Howard: Jews don't have hell. We have acid reflux. Leonard: Do you want the last dumpling, Sheldon? Sheldon: Certainly. It's not like I have to moderate my food intake because I'm planning on eating again very shortly. Mm, mm, mm! Leonard: So, you guys want to do something tonight? Howard: Nah, I can't. I got to pick up my mom from her water aerobics class. 18 overweight women flapping their arm fat in a swimming pool. Looks like the manatee tank at Sea World. Leonard: What about you, Raj? Raj: Oh, there it is, now that you don't have a girlfriend, you want to hang out with me again. Leonard: I never stopped hanging out with you. Raj: Oh, please, we all know I'm the friend you call when you have no other options. If we were the Justice League, I'd be Aquaman. Howard: I wish you were Aquaman. Then I could send you to scoop my mom out of the old lady tank. Sheldon: Excuse me, I'm thirsty, so I'm going to go to the refrigerator and get myself a refreshing beverage. Leonard: You know what? I'll just spend the evening alone. Raj: What, suddenly I'm not good enough for you? Sheldon: Ah, I do so love beverages. Now I think I'll take my after-dinner walk. Leonard: Since when do you take after-dinner walks? Howard: Yeah, since when do you take walks? Sheldon: I read a study online that walking after a meal not only aids in digestion, but increases serotonin, and you know me, if there's one thing I like more than a refreshing beverage, it's serotonin. Bye-bye. Howard: Hold on. I'll walk down with you. Sheldon: Oh, that's not necessary. You can go first. Howard: Or we could go together. Sheldon: I can't think of a reason why not. Howard: Let's go. Sheldon: Hold on. Nope, no reason. Raj: I've missed you. Scene: The lobby. Sheldon: All right, say hello to your mother for me. Howard: Okay. Sheldon: What? Howard: You said you were going for a walk. Sheldon: I didn't say outside. Howard: So what, you're just gonna walk up and down the stairs? Sheldon: No, of course not. That would be odd and suspicious behavior. Woman's voice: Here Bubbles. Here boy. Howard: Which way are you going? Sheldon: Which way are you going? Howard: I parked my scooter down the block. Sheldon: I'm going the other way. Bye. Howard: Bye. Actually, I'm this way. Do I smell hot dogs? Sheldon: No. I mean, I have no idea what you smell. Howard: I definitely smell raw hot dog. Sheldon: Perhaps you're getting a brain tumour. Howard: All right, have a nice walk. Sheldon: I shall. Have a nice scoot. Howard: You might want to stand back. I'm sitting on top of 13 horses here. Sheldon: Oh. Hello, doggie. Nice doggie. I bet you think you smell hot dogs. Look, a cat! Scene: Penny's apartment. Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Long pause, knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Penny opens door. A dishevelled Sheldon is holding up one hot dog.) Here. I had to trade the others for my life. Scene: The apartment. Raj: Hey, Leonard? Leonard: Yeah? Raj: I haven't had s*x in a year. Leonard: Where you going with this, Raj? Raj: Don't flatter yourself, dude. I want to go out and meet a woman. Leonard: So, go. Raj: Well, I need a wingman. I don't want to come off like a lonely loser. Leonard: And you think my presence will help with that? Raj: Well, I do. Next to you, I'll look like a catch. Leonard: I'm not going out tonight, Raj. Raj: All right. Would you mind if I went to your room and downloaded some Asian pornography? Leonard: Very much. Raj: Doesn't have to be Asian. Leonard: Don't worry. You'll meet a girl someday. Raj: No, I won't. Leonard: Yes, you will, and she'll be beautiful, and kind and sexy and funny and everything you ever wanted in a woman. Raj: You really think so? Leonard: I do, and you'll fall hopelessly in love and give her your heart. And she'll take it and grind it into pathetic, little pieces. Raj: But we'll have s*x first, right? Scene: Penny's apartment. Sheldon: Mmm, mmm, mmm. That's Eye-talian. Penny: So, um, was Leonard okay with you coming over? Sheldon: Oh, yes. In fact, he said, I'm fine, I don't care. And he in no way said it in a manner which would lead one to believe that he was covering up feelings of anguish and betrayal. Penny: Well, good. Sheldon: I'm also pleased to report that he's all cried out over you. Penny: He's been crying? Sheldon: Oh, I believe that was something else I wasn't supposed to mention. Penny: Oh, God, I feel terrible. Sheldon: Do you have a stomach ache, too? Penny: No. Why, do you? Sheldon: No. Penny: Why did you ask if I had one, too? Sheldon: Just making polite dinner conversation. Your turn. Penny: All right. So, what's new in your life? Sheldon: Well, my new shoes are not made for running. Penny: Have you been running? Sheldon: No. It's just a suspicion I have. Mmm, mmm, mmm. Penny: I'm so glad you like it. Sheldon: I do. Leonard never cooks for me. Penny: Well, maybe that's 'cause Leonard can't cook. Sheldon: You can't cook and you made me this. Penny: Whatever. Ooh, I'm gonna get the cheesecake out of the fridge. Sheldon: Oh, Lord, I'm in Jewish hell. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: The apartment. Raj: Look at this. Do you think she's really doing that or is it PhotoShop? Leonard: I'm pretty sure Martha Stewart never got naked with a room full of big, fat Japanese guys. Raj: You don't know that. Prison changes people. Leonard: Hey, where you been? Sheldon: I told you, walking. Leonard: For an hour and a half? Sheldon: I got lost. Leonard: How could you get lost? Your phone has GPS. Sheldon: Satellites are down. Solar flares. Raj: There are no solar flares right now. Sheldon: Yes, there are. Raj: Dude, I'm an astrophysicist. If there were solar flares, I'd be all up in it. Sheldon: I'm sorry. I misspoke. What I meant to say was my battery died. Leonard: What the hell was that about? Raj: I don't know. Do you think this is really Hillary Clinton doing it with Oprah? Leonard: Oh, we really need to get you a girl. Scene: Leonard's bedroom. Leonard is asleep. Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (knock, knock, knock) Leonard. Leonard: Oh, just come in! Sheldon: Thanks for seeing me on such short notice. Leonard: What do you want, Sheldon? Sheldon: Maybe this isn't a good time. Leonard: Tell me why you woke me up or I swear to God I will kill you. Sheldon: Do you really think death threats are an appropriate way to begin this conversation? Sometimes your lack of social skills astonishes me. Leonard: What do you want? Sheldon: You may want to sit down. Leonard: I'm in bed! Sheldon: Point taken. You may want to sit up. Leonard: Sheldon! Sheldon: I've been seeing Penny behind your back. Leonard: Okay, when you say seeing Penny, what exactly does that mean? Sheldon: We had dinner last night. She made me spaghetti with little hot dogs cut up in it. Well, little hot dog. I gave up the other five hot dogs to a real dog. A real, big dog. A hell hound. Tangential to the primary story. How about I circle back to it? Leonard: Fine. Why did you have dinner with Penny? Sheldon: I told you, she made spaghetti with little hot dogs. I like spaghetti with little hot dogs. Leonard: Then why did you have Chinese food with us? Sheldon: I didn't want to upset you. Howard made it very clear that my allegiance should be to male comrades before women who sell their bodies for money. Leonard: Is it possible he said Bros before Hos? Sheldon: Yes, but I rephrased it to avoid offending the hos. Leonard: Sheldon, I don't care if you want to be friends with Penny. Sheldon: Oh. Well, so the emotional turmoil that's been keeping me from achieving REM sleep was entirely unjustified? Leonard: Yes. Sheldon: Well then as my meemaw would say, looks like we butchered a pig, but nobody wanted bacon. Leonard: I guess not. Sheldon: And now, as promised, the tangent. Sheldon and the Hell Hound, or How I Lost My Hot Dogs. Scene: The laundry room. Penny: Oh, um, I, I can come back. Leonard: D-don't be silly. We're neighbours, we're going to run into each other, may as well get used to it. Penny: Yeah, I guess you're right. Leonard: You used to it yet? Penny: Nope. Leonard: Me neither. Oh, Sheldon seemed think that I would be upset about you hanging out with him. But I just want you to know it's fine. Penny: Oh, oh, good, because, um, his mother called me. Leonard: His mother? Penny: Yeah, she wants me to take him shopping for sheets and towels. Leonard: I was going to do that. Penny: Oh, well, then you, you do it. Leonard: No, I don't want to do it. You can do it. Penny: Okay, you can take him for shoes. Leonard: I just took him for shoes. Penny: Well, all I know is he says they hurt his feet. Leonard: Fine. I'll take him for shoes next Saturday. Penny: Oh, no, no, no, a bunch of us from work are going to Disneyland next Saturday and Sheldon wants to come. Leonard: You're taking him to Disneyland? Penny: Well, he heard me making plans on the phone. Was I going to say no? Leonard: All right. But let me know if you're going to stuff him with junk food. I don't want to bring home a nice dinner for him and see it go to waste. Penny: We're going to Disneyland. He's going to eat junk food. Leonard: All I'm saying is give me a heads-up. Penny: Okay, whatever. Leonard: And don't let him go on Space Mountain after he eats. He'll say he can handle it, but I promise you'll end up with churro puke on your shoes. Penny: All right, got it. Is there anything else? Leonard: Yeah, don't let Goofy near him. He'll have nightmares and I'll have to deal with it. Penny: What's the problem with Goofy? Leonard: Wish I knew. He's fine with Pluto. Scene: The apartment. Raj: Hey, do you think the elastic woman in The Incredibles needs to use birth control or can she just be a diaphragm? Howard: Well, that's it. We're officially out of things to talk about. Penny: We're home. Leonard: It's ten o'clock, where have you been? Sheldon: We stayed for the California Adventure water show. It was pure Disney magic. Leonard: I was going to see that with him. Penny: How was I supposed to know that? Sheldon: It's all right. I'll see it again with you. Leonard: And I have food here. You said you were going to call. Penny: I know, I know. Sheldon: I can still eat. Penny: No, you already threw up once. Go put on your PJs and brush your teeth. Sheldon: Okay, but just don't fight Leonard: We're not fighting. Penny: Just go. Leonard: Aren't you going to thank Penny for taking you to Disneyland? Sheldon: Thank you, Penny. Penny: You're welcome, sweetie. Leonard: Want a cup of coffee? Penny: Oh, um, I should probably get going. Leonard: Come on. It's just a cup of coffee. Penny: Yep, okay. Howard (to Raj, who has whispered to him): Oh, yeah, the whole thing seems a little twisted to me, too. Leonard: What am I smelling? Penny: Sheldon's churro on my shoes. Scene: Sheldon's bedroom. Penny: He's such an angel when he's asleep. Leonard: Yeah. Shame he has to wake up. Penny: I think we can do it. Leonard: Smother Sheldon in his sleep? Wouldn't that be wrong? Penny: No, be friends. You and me. Leonard: Oh. Sure. Absolutely. Penny: Good. I'm glad. Leonard: Here's an idea. I'm just throwing it out there, friends who have s*x. Penny: Good night, Leonard. Leonard: Kidding. Just a couple of friends goofin' around. Sheldon (in his sleep): No, Goofy, no.
The Spaghetti Catalyst