Frasier is trying to decide on a wedding present for Daphne and Donny, and Roz is apprehensive in case she is asked to be a bridesmaid, recalling her previous experiences, all of which involved wearing awful dresses. Frasier wishes to offer to pay for Daphne's wedding flowers, but is interrupted by hiccups brought on by some jerky Martin made him eat, and inadvertently offers to pay for the wedding. Meanwhile, Niles has met an attractive woman through what he presumes to be a dating service , but is in fact an escort agency .
Act One. Scene One - Café Nervosa. Frasier is flicking through some magazines when Roz comes to join him. Roz: [sitting] Oh hey, Frasier. Catalogues? Frasier: Yes. I'm trying to find the perfect wedding gift for Daphne and Donny. Roz: Oh, right. Well, I guess now that they've set a date, I'll be getting my bridesmaid draft notice. Frasier: You know Roz, she might not even ask you. Roz: [positive] Oh, she'll ask me. They all do. The next thing I know I'm wearing some revolting puffy-sleeved dress made from the same material that keeps the space shuttle from burning up on re-entry. Frasier: You know, Roz, Daphne might just surprise you and pick a dress you like. Roz: Oh, impossible. They're always ugly; that's why the bride makes sure she's the prettiest one at the wedding. Frasier: That's awfully cynical. Roz: Oh yeah, when was the last time you found yourself staring at the bridesmaid instead of the bride? [signals to the waitress] Frasier: That would have been at my wedding to Lilith. Roz, not getting the attention of the waitress, heads over to the counter. Then Niles enters and sits with his brother. Niles: Hello Frasier. Frasier: Oh, Niles. Niles: Frasier, do you remember the time the Kreizel brothers tied me to their Great Dane and lobbed meatballs down their gravel driveway? Frasier: I've told you Niles, I would have helped you, but their sister was holding me down. Niles: No, my point is - [to waitress] Cappuccino, please [to Frasier] - even that experience was less painful than the date I was just on. She was... [takes a cat hair from his jacket and puts it on the floor] ...a cat person. She brought her cat on our date. Well, she had good reason, it was Mr. Waggles's birthday. Actually his birthday party. Actually, his surprise birthday party. Frasier: I'm sorry, where on earth did you meet this woman? Niles: At Nordstroms. We both reached for the same cashmere throw and she said she needed something to keep her waggles warm. I thought it was a coy euphemism. [the waitress brings his coffee] Thank you. Frasier: Well, Niles, I certainly understand your being upset, but you know, you've got to keep on looking. Niles: Well, trust me, with Daphne getting married, I have no choice but to press on. But I'm going to change my strategy. Do you recall, the other day at the health club, Tony Hubner gave me that phone number? Frasier: Dear God, Niles, not a dating service? Niles: No, it's not a dating service. An "Introduction Network" for busy professionals. I've given them my vital statistics, there's an extensive screening process, they bill me at the end of the month. Frasier: Niles, please. They are all money-grubbing con-artists who prey on the pathetic and the lonely. God's sakes, you sign up with visions of some Ph.D., and what do they deliver? A buck-toothed librarian who needs help washing her mother! Are you really that desperate? Niles: Half an hour ago, I had my back leg tethered to Mr. Waggles's forepaw and we came in third in the five-legged race. Frasier: Geez, you'd think they'd let him win on his birthday. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment. As Frasier enters he hears Daphne on the phone to her mother. Daphne: I know, mum, but it is my wedding. I've given into you on so many things. Couldn't this one thing go my way? [pause] I just don't like those tiny corns in my salad. [pause] No, I don't hate you. [pause] Well, that's just not true. I'm glad you're alive. [pause] All right, all right, tiny corn it is. I've got to run now, cheery bye. [hangs up] That was mum, she had a thought about the salad. Frasier: Something tells me yesterday's crouton skirmish wasn't the end of it. Daphne: I suppose she can be a bit overbearing. But as she often points out, she is paying for the wedding and I am her only daughter and giving birth to me was so painful she did bite through a kitchen spoon. Frasier: Daphne, just don't let you mother guilt you into having the wedding she wants instead of the wedding you want. Daphne: Oh, don't worry, mum already promised me I could have the wedding I want, as soon as I have a daughter who gets engaged. Daphne exits to her bedroom. Frasier enters the kitchen where he finds Martin with a box of jerky. Frasier: Hiya, Dad. Martin: Oh, Fras. You'll love this stuff I got from the farmer's market. This guy takes the juiciest cut of filet mignon, slices it real thin and makes jerky out of it. Frasier: Look Dad, I don't... Martin throws it into his mouth, you can tell he is disgusted. Frasier: Yes, if only I had a nice powdered Cabernet to go with it. Listen, have you given any thought to Daphne's wedding present? Martin: Now Frasier, not everyone likes jerky as much as you and me. Frasier: No, I just want to get her something special, especially since her mother seems to be taking all the joy out of it for her. Martin: Oh, well, how about a nice piece of luggage? You know, a good hard suitcase, like the kind people used to put stickers on to show everybody where they've been. Remember your grandad's? His whole life was on it: Topeka, Sioux Falls, Biloxi... it was like a map of the world. Frasier: What a loss to us all that he failed to write his memoirs. I'm thinking of something that would matter to Daphne. [hiccups] Oh, something that shows her how we feel. [hiccups] Good Lord, that's a little spicy, isn't it? [gets a bottle of water from fridge] You know, maybe we should get something for her wedding. Martin: Like what? Frasier: Well, I don't know, her flowers, say? That's it, we could offer to pay for her wedding flowers. Martin: That's a bit pricy, isn't it? Frasier: Well don't worry about it, Dad. [hiccups] You just donate what you can and I'll pay for the rest. [hiccups] God, what was in that jerky? Martin: Well, you just ate it too fast. Next time you have to savor it a little. Frasier: Dad, I'm never going to taste that vile stuff again. [hiccups] Oh, spoke too soon. Frasier enters the room to find Daphne. Frasier: Daphne, may I have a word with you, please? Daphne: What is it, Dr. Crane? Frasier: Well, it's about you wedding gift. Now, I know it's not traditionally the role of a friend but we consider you family, so please don't say no. Dad and I would be honoured to pay for your wedding... [hiccups] Daphne: [taking it in] Pay for my wedding? Frasier: [holds out his hand but hiccups] Daphne: How wonderful! [hugs a hiccuping Frasier] I could never imagine. Martin enters with the jerky. Martin: What's all the hubbub? Daphne: Dr. Crane, just told me about your incredible wedding present. You people are heaven-sent. Martin: Well, I'm glad you like it. You know what, we're going to throw in a piece of luggage as well. Daphne: [tearful] I'm just so overwhelmed. Daphne exits to the kitchen. Martin: See, I told you, everybody loves luggage. Frasier: Dad, she thinks we're paying for her whole wedding. Martin: What? Frasier: Well, I tried to say wedding flowers, but then I hiccuped. Martin: Well, I'm not paying for her wedding. Frasier: Of course not, I'm just going to clear this whole thing up right now before it goes any further. [calls] Daphne! Daphne enters. Daphne: You know what this means, don't you? Now that mum's not paying, she can't make me have it in England. I can have my wedding how I want it, where I want it: right here. You've answered my prayers. [cries in delight and exits back to kitchen] Frasier and Martin look at each other. The doorbell sounds. Daphne: [o.s] Could someone let Donny in? Martin: Well look, Donny's a very traditional guy. He's not going to let us pay for his wedding. Frasier: Right, you saw how he proposed to her; on bended knee. He's nothing but a hopeless romantic. And so Frasier opens the door to hear Donny on the phone saying: Donny: Any idiot knows you've got to pay a hooker in cash! I'm at a meeting, I'll call you later, bye. [hangs up and greets the rest] I've got this client, he's in the middle of a divorce, right, and his wife finds all these charges from this place called "Executive Match." It turns out to be a call girl service. When she gets through with him she'll have his house, his car, she'd have his beach house too if I hadn't already taken it. Women! Then Daphne bursts in and hugs Donny, still excited. Donny: Hi, honey. Daphne: Hi sweetie. [kisses him] Have they told you yet? Donny: Told me what? Daphne: You're not going to believe this, but Dr. Crane and his father have offered to pay for our entire wedding. Donny: [takes it in] Is this a joke? Frasier: It could be. Donny: I mean, it's one thing for us to let your family pay, they're your parents, it's traditional. But this is... Frasier: Going too far? Being presumptuous? Martin: Yeah, we don't want to step on any toes. Daphne: I didn't think you'd be uncomfortable with this. Frasier: Well, he clearly is, Daphne. Martin: Donny's right! We're not family. Frasier and Martin try to get out of it until Donny realises his bad manners. Donny: Wait, wait, wait, what am I doing? Here you guys, you're making this lovely gesture and I'm just insulting you. I mean if you guys are not family to Daphne, then who is? Course you can pay for the wedding. Thank you, thank you. Donny hugs Frasier and Martin who cringe at the thought of the cost. Daphne: I just knew he'd see how much this meant to you. I'm tearing up again. Donny: No, don't start with the water works because you're going to get me going. [notices jerky] What's this? Jerky? Can I have some of that? Martin: Help yourself. Donny: [reads box] Made from filet mignon. How much did this stuff set you back? Frasier: You have no idea! End of Act One. Act Two. Scene One - Café Nervosa. Daphne is going through her plans for the wedding with Frasier. Daphne: Now, as far as the reception goes, I've narrowed it down to two places. I'm leaning towards "Captain Jonah's." The view of the water's lovely. But you have to walk through a whale's mouth to get inside. Frasier: I hesitate to ask how you exit. Daphne: I've got to run. I've a meeting with the DJ. Daphne leaves. The woman seated behind Frasier, covering her head with a newspaper puts her read down, revealing herself as Roz. She comes over. Roz: I thought she'd never leave! Frasier: Good God, Roz, how long have you been there? Roz: Since you two walked in and trapped me. Frasier: Aren't you taking this a bit too far just trying to avoid an unflattering dress? Roz: Yeah, I thought you'd say that. That's why I've been carrying around this picture of the last time I was a bridesmaid. Roz hands her photo to Frasier. Frasier: Good Lord, Roz, you look like you've been tented for termites. Roz whips the photo back again. Roz: Well, it sounds like she's having fun planning her wedding. Frasier: Yes, well, now that she can have things her way and not her mother's. Roz: She's lucky you came along. Frasier: Well, yes and no. You know, I sit here and let her make questionable choices and I say nothing because I know it's going to cost me less. I'm sorry, I've got to change my thinking about this whole thing. What good is my money, if I'm denying her the best gift I have to offer: my taste and expertise? Frankly, what Daphne really deserves is the gift of Frasier. Roz: Suddenly that crock pot I'm giving them doesn't sound so bad. Frasier: Oh, shut up! Roz exits as Niles appears from the back of the café with a delightful smile upon his face. Frasier: Hello, Niles. You look like a man who's been waiting to be asked why he's grinning. Niles: Oh, I was just thinking about the other day when you said how you thought dating services were all a big con. Well, I just got conned into meeting the most enchanting woman. Frasier: I don't know what to say. Niles: And I owe it all to "Executive Match." Frasier: Now I do. The name of this service is "Executive Match?" Niles: Right, and you thought these women all beneath me. Frasier: Beneath you and countless others. Niles, do you have any idea... Then Sabrina walks in. She looks like the average ditzy blonde. She is on her cell phone. Niles calls her, but Sabrina signals him to pipe down and she'll be with him in a second. Niles: She's always on the phone. Whatever it is she does for a living, she's in great demand. Frasier: So you have no idea what line of work Sabrina's in. Niles: I'm guessing high-priced lawyer. I heard her quote her hourly rate on the phone. Believe me, you don't want to be on the receiving end of that bill. [laughs] Frasier: Niles, I feel I must warn you... Niles: Oh please, spare me your condescending advice. Why can't you simply say you were wrong? Frasier: You have no idea what you're doing! Niles: I know exactly what I'm doing! And you could learn a thing or two from me, Mister One-Date-And It's Over. I am taking it slow with Sabrina. Frasier: You mean you haven't? Niles: ...haven't? Frasier: Haven't...? Niles: Oh, please! Are you mad, you don't proposition a woman like that on the first date. Last night, I dropped her home after dinner with nothing more than a courtly kiss on the wrist. Tonight may proceed to hand holding. If all goes well, in two weeks I shall storm the citadel of her womanhood. Sabrina comes over. Niles stands and kisses her wrist. Niles: Sabrina, this is Frasier. Frasier: Hello, lovely to meet you. Sabrina: Nice to meet you. You really have a great brother. He's charming and witty and intelligent and handsome. [laughs] Niles: I paid her to say that. [laughs] Frasier: Of course you did! [SCENE_BREAK] THE GIFT OF FRASIER Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment. The room is full of things for the wedding. The dinner table is complete with tablecloths, flowers and food. There is a harp next to the piano. Frasier is just showing the florist out as the doorbell sounds. He opens the door to the dove man (who has a box of doves with him) and Daphne. Frasier: Finally, the doves have arrived. Come in, come in. [he does] [to florist] Lathbert, thank you so much for coming, lovely flowers, I'll let you know. Daphne: [enters and closes door] Dr. Crane, was that the florist for my wedding? Frasier: In his dreams! God, the man's arrangements are one big cliché. Look at this, his answer to everything is baby's breath, baby's breath, baby's breath. [points to flowers] Daphne: Does that woman with the harp have something to do with my wedding too? Frasier: No, Daphne, she's selling them door to door. Of course it's for your wedding. She's auditioning. Daphne: Dr. Crane, I really don't think... Then Martin enters from his room. Martin: Oh good, Daphne, you're here too. Listen, I want to show you guys a little something I thought up for the wedding. [acting as a minister] It is now the time in the ceremony for the rings. May I have them, please? Eddie runs in with a little basket containing two rings. He runs up and jumps on the couch, allowing Martin to take them. Martin: Course, it's a lot more effective when he's in his little tux. Frasier: Dad, please, it's all just a bit much, isn't it? We don't want to turn this wedding into a circus. Now, the dove man. Daphne: Dr. Crane, about the doves... Frasier: Just picture it, Daphne. Aren't they something? As you and Donny exit the church one dozen white birds of peace will be released and circle above. Of course, we'll use fourteen in actuality - the power lines always take out a few. Frasier lets the dove man out. Daphne: Dr. Crane, about the doves, well it just seems a little grand. I mean, what's wrong with throwing a bit of rice? Frasier: Well, if you want rice, of course, you'll have rice. [then] Sometimes it seems nothing I do is good enough. Daphne: No, no, no, I suppose doves will be fine. Martin: [noticed a reverend in the kitchen] Frasier, is that Reverend Franklin in the kitchen? Frasier: Yes it is, Dad. Martin: You're auditioning our minister for the wedding? Daphne: Don't you think Donny and I should have a say in who marries us? Frasier: Of course, Daphne, I'm just whittling down the possibilities. The final choice is yours. Chef Marco then enters with some cooked mushrooms from the kitchen. Marco: Who's tasting the first course? Frasier: Oh, that would me. [Marco exits] Daphne: Who's that? Frasier: That's Chef Marco from the Mercer Club, Daphne. Today we'll be sampling each of our four courses. Daphne: No, I was planning on serving a buffet. That way people can mingle, it's more festive. Frasier: We are talking about your wedding, not brunch with all the fixin's at "Billy Bob's Blackjack Boomtown." The doorbell sounds. Frasier opens the door to Niles on the arm of Sabrina. Niles: Hello, Frasier, you remember Sabrina. Frasier: Yes, of course, lovely to see you. Niles, what are you doing here? Niles: Oh, we're out for an afternoon of bird watching. It's the start of mating season, you know. [winks at Frasier] Just wanted to introduce my new girlfriend to Dad. Dad, this is Sabrina. They give their greetings. Martin: [impressed] Hey, nice to meet you. Sabrina: Nice to meet you too. I should really call my office, about how long do you think we'll be gone? Niles: Er, about eight hours. Sabrina: Great! Sabrina goes off to the hallway as Frasier responds to Sabrina's last remark. The doorbell sounds again. Daphne answers it to Roz, who tries to get away quickly. She has papers in her hand. Roz: Oh, Daphne, I didn't know you were going to be here. I just want to drop these off for Frasier. [hands them to her] Daphne: Roz, I'm glad you dropped by, I need to talk to you about my wedding. Do you mind if we speak in the hallway? Roz: Actually, I don't have much time. Daphne: [follows her into hallway and shuts door behind her] Well, then I'll get right to it. However the elevator opens to a delivery man with a dress. Deliveryman: Excuse me, do you know where Dr. Crane lives? Daphne: Right here, can I help you? Deliveryman: I'm dropping off this bridesmaid dress. Daphne: Oh, I'll take that. I'm the bride. The delivery man goes back down in the elevator. As Daphne goes on with her speech, Roz examines the beautiful silk wedding dress. She is hardly listening to Daphne. Daphne: What I need to ask you is, how do you ever get Dr. Crane to listen to you... Roz: Is this the bridesmaid dress? Daphne: He's driving me mad. He doesn't listen to anything I say... Roz: The woman you ask to be bridesmaid gets to wear this? Daphne: And the worst part is... Roz: Is that silk? Daphne: Well, he's just like my mother, controlling and stubborn. I mean, what am I going to do? Roz: [then] Well, Daphne, it's your wedding. Just tell Frasier how you feel. Daphne: Yeah, well that's a bit difficult for me. You see, there was no talking to my mother. Anytime I sort of tried all I hear is "Just do it my way, you'll thank me later." Every time she said that I just wanted to explode. Roz: Look, Frasier's a reasonable guy. Just go in there and be direct. Daphne: You're right, I'm going to and... Roz, I was going to ask you if you wanted to be one of my bridesmaids? Roz: [obvious acting] Oh my God, are you serious? This is coming out of nowhere. I'd love to. They hug. [N.B. In fact, Jane Leeves was a bridesmaid at Peri Gilpin's wedding to her husband, artist Christian Vincent.] Daphne: Don't worry. Once I'm in charge you won't have to wear this thing Dr. Crane picked out. I mean, he calls this a bridesmaid dress! The sleeves aren't even puffy. Daphne enters the apartment as Roz angrily presses the lift button. Meanwhile, Martin and Sabrina are chatting away. Martin: So, how long have you guys been seeing each other? Sabrina: Let's see. Since we've met it's been about seventeen, no, eighteen hours. Niles: She actually counts the minutes we've been together. Frasier: Niles, may I see you in the kitchen? Niles: Excuse me. Frasier heads to the kitchen with Niles. Daphne stops them. Daphne: [confronting] Dr. Crane, I need to talk to you. Frasier: Not now, Daphne. Daphne: [nervous] All right. Niles and Frasier enter the kitchen. Niles: All right, what is it? Frasier: Niles, it's about Sabrina. She's a prostitute. Niles: Frasier, I don't like lawyers anymore than you do, but frankly a man whose face is plastered on every bus in town should be careful what terms he bandies about. Frasier: Niles! "Executive Match" is an escort service. One of Donny's clients was caught using them. Niles: I don't believe you. Frasier: Niles, does Sabrina laugh at everything you say, is she fascinated by everything about you, even your collections? Niles: Well, yes. Actually, I even showed her my rarely-seen collection of eighteenth century Portuguese bud vases. Frasier: And how did she react? Niles: Well, if you must know, she was rather aroused. She said she loved a man who collected porcelain and- [clicks] Oh my God, I'm dating a whore! They have my credit card number, I've been running up a tab! [looks at watch and calculates bill] I've got to get her out of here! Niles rushes into the living room with Frasier. The gang are in with Reverend Franklin. Niles: Sabrina, we should be going. Martin: What's the hurry? We're having a nice conversation. Sabrina: Yeah, I love your dad. Frasier: Did I mention he used to be a police officer? Sabrina: Maybe we should go. [gets up] Franklin: Surely you can stay a little while, I haven't seen Niles in ages. [to Sabrina] You know, I used to teach him in Sunday school. Martin: Oh, you know Reverend, I can still remember dropping him off for his first class. It seems like only yesterday. Suddenly harp music begins playing. The type that is used in movies when they are having a flashback. Everybody thinks this weird and starts looking around only to find it to be the harp player auditioning. Frasier: Oh, Daphne, I believe I have chosen your bouquet. [picks one up] It's hand-woven out of pygmy orchids. Daphne: Dr. Crane, I really need to talk to you. Frasier: Well, of course, Daphne. First let's sample the Porcinni mushrooms. They're exquisite. Daphne: But I don't like mushrooms! Frasier: You only think you don't, you haven't tried these. Daphne: Dr. Crane, this is really... Frasier: Try this for me, you'll thank me later. Daphne: [bursts angrily] You'll thank me later?! I've heard that my whole life, well, no more! [chasing Frasier round the room] I'm doing my wedding my way. And if that means I want rice instead of doves and a DJ instead of a harp, then that's what I'll have. I don't want your advice, I don't want your money and I don't want your mushrooms. I'm in charge of this wedding now. [picks up bouquet] And what kind of a git walks down the aisle carrying something of pygmy orchids! Daphne throws the bouquet angrily and marches off to her room. Sabrina catches the bouquet and links her arm with Niles. The two are now standing in front of Reverend Franklin as the harp player strikes up Handel's "Wedding March." Niles takes the bouquet and throws them on the floor. They all look at him. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment. Later that day, Martin and Eddie are sat at the dinner table as Frasier walks back from a visit to Daphne's room. Martin: Is she all right? Frasier: She's fine. We had a nice talk. Martin: Well, that's good. Wedding still on track? Frasier: Absolutely. Martin: You just got a little carried away, that's all. Frasier: Oh, I guess so, yeah. You know, it suddenly occurred to me when I was talking to Daphne that I never really got the wedding of my dreams either. Oh sure, you know, my first one was a little clandestine affair we dashed off at the city hall. I could have hardly imagined a wedding more lacking in ceremony. Until my second wedding, which was lacking a bride. Then came Lilith. If I knew then what I know now, I would have walked down the aisle with the ice sculpture and had her stand by the buffet table to keep the shrimp cold. Martin: Oh, so you've had a few bad weddings. Frasier: I guess I was just taking my last best shot at the wedding I shall never have for myself. Martin: Oh, come on. Frasier: Oh, let's face it, Dad: I'm no spring chicken. Do you really see me getting married again? Martin: Well, I guess I've had my doubts, but right here, right now, I think: yeah, you're going to meet someone. Frasier: Do you really think so? Martin: Yes I do and I'll tell you why. If Niles can meet a great gal like Sabrina, then there's hope for all of us. He gets up and exits. Despite Martin's mistake, Frasier can't help but smile. End of Act Two. [SCENE_BREAK] Café Nervosa: Roz is waiting when Daphne enters with the bridesmaid dress of her choice - emerald green satin, puffy sleeves and gold bows. It's hideous. Roz pretends enthusiasm as Daphne holds it up to her, then piles Roz's hair on top of her head in the fashion she imagines for the wedding, and gets choked up at how beautiful she thinks Roz looks. Roz maintains a cheerful front till Daphne turns her back, then she collapses in tears.
Father Of The Bride