Diane Chambers ( Shelley Long ) shows up at the studio one day, and Frasier (who still resents her for leaving him at the altar) finds out she is in town for a performance of her new play. He invites her to dinner, determined to show her how much he has moved on from her, despite Niles's suggestion that he should confront her about being left at the altar in order to get closure. When Diane arrives, she boasts of her own riches and success only to eventually break down and confess she is not doing as well as she claimed. Feeling sorry for Diane, Frasier agrees to fund her play despite everyone warning him he may be falling for her again. However, when invited to dress rehearsal, he finds that it depicts their old life at Cheers, with the characters representing their old friends being literal representations of how Diane viewed them: boorish and uncivilized ruffians, and that Frasier's character is cold-hearted in his reaction to being left at the altar.
ACT ONE Scene One  KACL Frasier is wrapping up his show. Roz is talking on the phone and looks worried. Frasier: This is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL, 780. He goes off the air. Roz: Frasier, that was security. Some woman insisted on seeing you, she just blew right past them. Frasier: Oh, don't panic, Roz  probably just one of my more ardent fans. Diane Chambers appears in the window and knocks on the glass. Frasier turns around. She smiles and waves at him. On that image the screen suddenly GOES DARK. Then the camera pulls back from the black hole of Frasier's wide-open mouth to his face, a rictus of horror: "AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!" SMASH CUT TO: Scene Two - Niles's Office Frasier bursts into Niles's office. Niles is sitting at his desk with a pad. His patient, Mr. Carr, is seated in an armchair by the door. Frasier: Niles, we've got to talk! It's urgent. Niles: Frasier, I'm with a patient! Frasier: [notices Carr] Oh, I'm sorry. Carr: [gets up] Is, uh, this about a woman? Frasier: Yes. Carr: Take all the time you need. Mr. Carr leaves. Niles: Well? Frasier: She's back  the scourge of my existence. Niles: Strange, I usually get some sign when Lilith is in town  dogs forming into packs, blood weeping down the wall. Frasier: I'm talking about... Diane Chambers. Niles: [hits the intercom] Lucille, send Mr. Carr home. Frasier: She just showed up at the station today. Apparently some play she wrote is being produced here in town. I admit, I just sort of panicked when I saw her, but I think I covered it masterfully. Frasier stops pacing and sits in a chair. Niles picks up his pad. Niles: All right, all right, all right. Well, uh, why do you think you reacted that way? Frasier: Oh, spare me the psychiatrist bit, Niles. That includes putting down the pad! [Niles lays the pad on the desk] In the drawer, Niles! Niles: [puts it in the drawer] Fine. My first question to you is this: Are you still in love with her? Frasier: [jumps up from his chair] No! Not in the least! It's a ridiculous suggestion. Niles: Seeing as how I have nowhere to write the phrase, "classic denial," I'll move on. So, about this woman for whom you have so little feeling that you raced across town and burst into one of my sessions  is there any lingering resentment? Frasier: [dropping back into the chair] Over what?! Niles: Well, she did leave at the altar. When you told her how that made you feel, was there anything you left unsaid? [Frasier looks away] Any phrase or feeling you wished you had expressed to her? [Frasier looks away more] I'm making the assumption here that you did tell her how you felt. Frasier: I sort of did. Niles: "Sort of" is another one of those phrases that just wants to go in my pad. Frasier: I expressed my distaste for the way I'd been treated, yes. Niles: Frasier, she rejected you in the most debilitating way a man can be rejected. You've got to more than "sort of" tell her how that felt. Frasier: Well, I can't just tell Diane how awful she made me feel now! It's a distant memory for her. I'd feel weak! Niles: You have no reason to feel weak. You've moved on in your life too. You have a new career, new wealth, new success. You simply need closure in this one area. Frasier: You know, what you just said made a lot of sense. Niles: You're going to get closure. Frasier: No, that business about my success! I tuned you out after that. I'm going to invite Diane over for dinner tonight, and I'm really gonna flaunt my success, really rub her nose in it! That'll prove I'm not just some cast-aside that never got over her. Niles, I know it's not psychologically sound. But we're still human. We have to do what feels good sometimes, don't we? Niles: I'd just like to be on the record as saying I'm against it. Frasier: Fine. Niles: You know the path that leads to peace with Diane and you're rejecting it. Frasier: Yes. Niles: I'm washing my hands of the entire matter. Frasier: Wouldn't miss it for the world though, would you? Niles: I'll be there at seven with a cheeky Bordeaux. Frasier leaves. Niles grabs his pad out of the drawer and starts writing on it. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Three  Frasier's Apartment It's evening. Daphne is arranging things for dinner. Martin is reading the paper. Frasier comes out, wearing his best suit. Frasier: No, no, no. Daphne, I was very specific about this. The mayor's plaque goes on the piano... He moves the plaque to the piano. Frasier: The Otis Klandenning "Man of the Year Award" goes right over here... He places an elaborate silver bowl on the little table next to the Armchair. Frasier: And my jewel  my SeaBea  goes right here where she can't miss it! [puts in on the mantel] Daphne: Hmm, that seems a bit subtle. Why don't I just use this to serve the olives? She takes the SeaBea trophy  a silver miniature of the Space Needle  and spears an olive out of the appetizer tray. Frasier: Give me that! [replaces it] Daphne: I wish someone would just tell me who this woman is, and why we're trying to impress the pants off her. The doorbell rings. Frasier: She's a one-time Boston barmaid who had a nervous breakdown and ended up in a sanitorium, where I met her, fell for her, and then was so mercilessly rejected by her that to this day there is a sucking chest wound where once there dwelled a heart! He opens the door. Diane stands there, elegant and smiling. Frasier: [welcoming] Diane! Diane: Hello, Frasier. Frasier: Please. [she comes in] You remember my brother Niles, my father Martin, and this is his health-care worker, Daphne Moon. They all ad-lib hellos. Diane: What a tasteful abode. Frasier: Well, it's modest in its way. Diane: No, that's what I like about it. After the rambling beach house I've been living in, I'm ready for something smart and efficient. Frasier: White wine, Diane? I'm pouring an '85 Montrachet La Guiche I purchased at auction. Diane: Oh, I always keep a bottle of that open myself. Frasier's smile is so fixed on his face, it's painful to look at. He tosses her coat to Daphne. Frasier: Hang this up! Diane sits opposite Martin. Diane: Well, Martin, it's been too long. How have you been? Martin: Well, my wife died, I got shot in the hip, and I had to move in with Frasier 'cause I kept falling down in the shower. Diane: Well, you look wonderful! [pats his knee] Yes, you do! Martin: That's the bad one. Diane: Oh! [gets up] Niles, do you remember the last time I was in town and we dined together? You had just started dating this woman  she was the queerest little creature. [Frasier hands her a glass of wine] Thank you. [laughs] She ate everyone's sorbet, and then she had to lie down in the ladies' lounge while the coat-check girl massaged her abdomen! She stops laughing when she notices Frasier's uncomfortable look. Diane: Oh, I hope I haven't put my foot in it. You and she didn't get married and live happily ever after, did you? Niles: No, can't say as we did. Daphne: Care for an olive? Diane: Oh, thank you. Frasier: These are a Pyreenean taste treat! They're handpicked and bottled by Andalusian monks! Daphne: [lifting the "Man of the Year" cup] You can spit the pits in here. Frasier snatches the cup down as Diane spits, narrowly missing Martin. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Four  Frasier's Apartment Everyone is sitting at the dinner table. Diane is telling a story. Diane: So, there I was, on the balcony of my Malibu beachhouse, when a pod of whales passed by. I knew I had to commune with these gentle giants, so like a flash, I was on the beach, scrambling to my kayak. But cruel fortune interceded, when, not twenty yards offshore, I suddenly discovered myself entangled in an enormous bed of-of, um Niles: Sea kelp? Diane: Exactly right, sea kelp! Martin: Oh, that's funny  I thought he said "seek help." Daphne: So, you haven't told us how you've come to be in Seattle. Diane: Oh, a small theater group has decided to produce a play I've written. Frasier: Which one? Diane: Oh, my most recent work. It's a sort of feminist odyssey, experimental in places, in tone akin to Saroyan, with a soupηon of Gide, and a hearty nod to Clifford Odets! Frasier: I meant which theater? Diane: Oh! The Roundabout. Martin: That seems appropriate. Frasier: You know, why don't you people just keep talking amongst yourselves? I will go and fetch the profiteroles. They were prepared by the hottest new pastry chef in... oh, what's the use? Frasier goes to the kitchen. Niles gets up. Niles: I'll help. He always overpowders. Martin: Yeah, I'm sure Old Man Kennedy felt this kind of pride when his boys would go out and play touch football. In the kitchen, Frasier takes a plate of little cakes out of the refrigerator. Niles: Now, Frasier, you know her better than I. Is that what she looks like when she's writhing in envy? Frasier: Oh, shut up. All right, I admit you were right. Before she leaves here tonight, I am going to tell her how much pain she made me feel. [energetically sprinkling sugar on the cakes] The savage truth this time  there will be no sugarcoating it! [Niles motions him to use less] And yes, I am aware of the irony! [blows the excess in Niles's face] They bring the cakes out. Daphne: Oh, it must be wonderful to see your words come to life like that. Diane: Oh yes. It's a dream come true. The right side of her face twitches suddenly. Martin: Diane, are you OK? Diane: Yes, I'm fine. Why? Martin: Well, your cheek was kind of twitching. Diane: It was? Oh well, it was probably fatigue. Where were we? Daphne: Oh, I was asking about your play. Diane: Oh, right! [she twitches again, harder] Martin: There it goes again, the twitch! Daphne: That was either a very large twitch or a very small seizure. Diane: You know, I'm not sure how much I really want to talk about my play right now. [twitches even harder, and covers her face with a napkin] Bad luck and all that! Frasier: Yes, and we all know what a struggle it is to get Diane to talk about herself. Diane: [laughing] Oh Frasier, you always could kid! How I miss that! Her laughs slide gradually into tears, and then into noisy, full-blown sobbing. Her head droops down onto the table as she keeps crying. Frasier: Look, Diane, please, I-I really didn't mean anything by it. I'm sorry Diane: It's not that! It's my whole life, it's ruined! Frasier: Niles, could you please get her some water? Niles: Of course, of course. [goes to the kitchen] Diane: Oh, everything I told you tonight is a lie. I'm sorry for this. Oh, I must look just awful. Martin: Your cheek stopped jumping. Frasier: All right, now. Tell me what happened. Was it about your play? That sets off the twitch. Daphne: There it goes again! Frasier: Look, would you people please just give us some privacy?! Everyone gets up and goes to the kitchen. Frasier sits next to Diane. Frasier: All right now. From the beginning. Diane: Well, it all started a few months ago when I lost my job. I'd been writing for "Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman." I was on the set one day, and I was trying to show Jane Seymour the proper way to cauterize a wound with a branding iron, and I accidentally set her hair on fire. Well, from there it was a steady slide downhill. A two-year relationship ended, I lost the beach house, friends stopped calling  the one bright spot was my play in Seattle. Well, I flew up here yesterday only to find that the backer was pulling out. I was so distraught I found myself wandering around the city in complete despair. It's then that like a ray of hope from heaven, I saw your smiling face on the side of a bus. And that's why I'm here today. You helped me the only other time I was this low. Frasier, I'm asking for your help again. Frasier: Of course I'll help you, Diane. Diane: Oh, Frasier... Reset to: The kitchen. Daphne: Well, that was a bit scary. Martin: I'll say  watching someone go completely crackers like that. Niles starts to sniffle. Martin: What's the matter with you now? Niles: Nothing, I'm fine. Just suddenly missing my Maris. Daphne puts an arm around his shoulder and comforts him. END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO INTERPLAY Scene Five  Cafι Nervosa Niles is seated at a corner table. Frasier comes in. Throughout the following scene, Niles never says a word. Frasier: My God, Niles, it's such a glorious day! I walked all the way here. Thirty-two blocks, and Bruno Maglies be damned! [sits down] Oh yes, I see the look, I know exactly what it means too. How could I very well say "no" to Diane? She came to me in crisis. [to a passing waitress] Oh, excuse me, a double cappuccino, please, light cinnamon, thank you very much. [sighs] Oh, you know, the change in Diane has really been quite gratifying. Dropped her off at the theater today, and there was a smile on her face that I haven't seen in... well, far too many years. Oh, I know what you're thinking. Where did she get the money to do the play? Well, she found a backer! [pause] It's tax deductible! [the waitress brings his coffee] Thank you. Oh, why don't you go ahead and say what you're thinking, Niles? That I'm falling for her again. "Well, you did bounce in here as though you were on top of the world, and babbling about her smile"  I just don't want to hear it, Niles! I'm simply helping her to get back on her feet and out of my life as quickly as possible. No, I don't know how long it's going to take. Look, I said I don't know! Oh, really, Niles! Curse you, you are the most infuriating busybody! I'm not sitting with you. Frasier gets up and goes to another table. Niles takes a little pad out of his jacket and starts writing. [SCENE_BREAK] FOREPLAY Scene Six  Frasier's Apartment That evening, Diane and Frasier are standing next to each other, looking out at the city. Diane: It really is a lovely city. Frasier: "Night  making all things dimly beautiful..." Diane: "One veil over us both." Cyrano? Frasier: Yes. Eleven years later, we're still on the same page. Diane: Frasier, these past few weeks, you've given so much of yourself to me. I want to give the one gift I have to bestow. I want you to be the first person to see my play. Will you come to dress rehearsal tonight? Frasier: Diane, I'd be honored? Diane: Oh, wonderful, wonderful! She ducks into the powder room. Martin walks into the living room. Diane: Give me a second. Frasier: Are you sure you're ready for this? Diane: Oh yes, it's time. Tonight, I bare myself to you. Martin ducks behind the pillar. Frasier: Big step, Diane. Diane: Oh well, I have to say I'm a little nervous about it. But, barring any lighting or prop problems, the whole thing will be over in a couple of hours. Martin: [heading to the kitchen] Hello! People still in the house here! Diane: Meet me at the theater at seven... I don't know what I've done to deserve you. They kiss. Diane leaves, and Martin comes back. Frasier: Hey, Dad. Martin: Listen, it's none of my business, but you're not falling for her again, are you? Frasier: What if I were? Martin: That woman dumped you at the altar. Frasier: Oh, that was the old Diane. She no longer sees herself as the center of the universe. And I'm not the old Frasier anymore either. People can change, Dad. Martin: Yeah, I suppose you're right. Take me for instance. The old Martin would have said, "you're out of your mind. I'd rather see you go gay and shack up with the punk who shot me than go off with her. I'd rather see you sewed up inside the body of a dead horse." But the new Martin just says, "Vivee a l'amour." Frasier: The new Frasier resists the temptation to correct your French. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Seven  Theater Frasier sits alone in the rows of a small theater. Diane comes out from behind the curtain and speaks to the whole room. Diane: Well, the stage is set, my players are prepared. So, without further ado, I give you "Rhapsody and Requiem," a play by Diane Chambers. Frasier applauds. Diane goes backstage. The curtain opens. On the stage is a nearly-perfect replica of Cheers back in Boston, complete with look-alikes. Frasier's eyes widen. Stan: [Sam look-alike] Boy, it sure is great having Mary Anne back. Just wasn't the same when she was gone. Clark: [Cliff look-alike] Yeah, well, you know, uh, recent studies at John Hopkins University revealed that the expression "absence makes the heart grow fonder," is in actuality rooted in scientific bedrock. Darla: [Carla look-alike] Yeah, so's your head. Stan: Ease up there, Darla. Ned [Norm look-alike] enters. Ned: Evenin', everybody. Stan: Hey there, Ned. What would you say to a beer? Ned: What's a nice beer like you doing in a face like this? Backstage, Diane laughs outrageously at her own joke. For Frasier, this is getting increasingly weird. Then his own look-alike, Dr. Franklin Creane, walks in the door. Franklin: Salutations, all. Stan: Hey there, Doc. What can I get you? Franklin: Ooh, a prickly choice, Stan. It reminds me of the one the 18th-century wit John Wilkes faced when asked by the Earl of Sandwich whether he expected to die on the gallows or of the pox. "That depends, sir," he said, "on whether I choose to embrace your principles or your mistress." Mary Anne [Diane look-alike] enters and takes center stage. Mary Anne: Evening, people. All: Mary Anne! FADE TO: Later. The players are each illuminated by spotlights in turn to give interior lines. Stan: I pour beer down people's throats. Ned: I drink it. Franklin: Our lives are empty. So what draws our feet here night after night? The lights come up, showing the three men at the bar, alone. Stan/Ned/Franklin: Mary Anne. FADE TO: Later. The bar is full. Mary Anne comes out and embraces Stan. Mary Anne: Well, I'm off. See you anon, mi amore. Stan: [kisses her] You bet, honey. Frasier isn't sure how much more of this he can take. Diane: [coming onstage] Hold it, stop! What kind of a kiss was that? You two are supposed to be in love! Stan: Well, I didn't know how big you wanted it. Diane: Remember that kiss you gave me this morning? Stan: Like this one? The actor grabs Diane and kisses her deeply. Frasier stews with jealousy - it's Sam & Diane all over again. Diane: That's the one. OK, from the kiss! [goes offstage] Stan: You bet, honey. They resume the scene. Mary Anne and Stan break apart. Mary Anne: Forgive me, Franklin. I suppose that was a tad inconsiderate. Franklin: Quite all right. A loving spirit like yours can't be bridled. Mary Anne: But I did leave you at the altar. Franklin: No, you know I hold no ill-will toward you for that. Frasier's about to explode. Franklin: [breaking character] Could we just stop for a second? [Diane comes onstage] This whole getting-left-at-the-altar thing, I just don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling. Frasier: I may be able to illuminate that for you! He gets up and storms onstage. He ignores Diane and directs his fury at Mary-Anne. Frasier: What you are feeling is that this woman has reached into your chest, plucked out your heart, and thrown it to her hell- hounds for a chew toy! And it's not the last time either! Because that's what this woman is! She is the Devil! There's no use running away from her, because no matter how far you go, no matter how many years you let pass, you will never be completely out of reach of those bony fingers! So drink hearty, Franklin, and laugh! Because you have made a pact with Beelzebub! And her name is Mary Anne! Frasier storms out of the theater. The rest of the cast members break into applause. Diane stands there, mortified. [SCENE_BREAK] AFTERPLAY Scene Eight  Theater Diane is sitting at the bar, alone. She is making energetic notes on her play script, crossing out whole sections at a time. Frasier comes back. Frasier: Diane? Diane: Frasier... Frasier: I thought we should talk. Diane: Well, yes, I think we should. I tried to reach you at your home. Frasier: I was driving around. Diane: [sighs] I'm sorry if I in any way misled you about my feelings these last few weeks. Frasier: You didn't. I think I misled myself. Diane: Well, at the very least I obviously owe you an apology for the first time that things went awry between us. Frasier: Oh, it's all right. Diane: No, it was a time in my life when Frasier: No, Diane, it isn't necessary. The things I said... well, they just needed saying. Besides, I don't really feel all that harshly  and in retrospect, I'm reasonably sure that you are not the Devil... although he does have the power to assume pleasing shapes. Diane: Well, you should know I've decided to go back to Los Angeles. Watching the play tonight through fresh eyes, I  well, I just don't think it's ready. Frasier: I'm sure things'll work out fine. Well, I think I've said what I came to say. Diane: Frasier, um, before you go, there's one last thing you could help me with, not that you haven't helped me a lot already. It's the last scene, where Franklin and Mary Anne say goodbye. It's never felt quite right to me. I'd like her to stand... oh, right about here [stands in the middle of the stage] and tell him how much he's meant to her and how she'll never forget him. How do you suppose... "Franklin" would respond to that? Frasier: Well, I suppose he'd tell her that he feels the same way. That she's touched him in a way she can never imagine, he's glad she was in his life. Diane: All that would be left would be the "goodbye." How do you see that? Frasier: Well, I suppose he could say, uh, "until we meet again," probably certain that they never would. Diane: But mightn't there be a part of him that hopes they would? Frasier: Oh, I suppose so, yes. All right, then, don't have him sum things up. Just let them say their goodbyes, and if their paths happen to cross again, so be it... Goodbye, Mary Anne. Diane: Goodbye, Franklin. Frasier crosses to the bar door. Diane: Oh yes, that's a perfect moment! Uncluttered by any extra words or phrases Frasier: Diane. Diane: Oh shoot, I've blown it! Frasier: All right, let's try it again. [stands toe-to-toe with her] Goodbye, Diane. Diane: Goodbye, Frasier. They hug. He goes out the bar door. She starts to say something, then he comes back through it. Frasier: Force of habit. Diane: I've been doing it all week. He leaves through the audience rows, waving goodbye. END OF ACT TWO [SCENE_BREAK] Eddie sits on the couch, chewing one of Martin's socks. Martin sees him and pulls the sock away, scolding Eddie. Eddie appears in a spotlight, with a thought bubble saying "I can't help it. It's what I do." Eddie pulls another sock out of the couch cushions. Martin yanks that away too.
The Show Where Diane Comes Back