Niles has flown to Manchester and located Daphne's father, Harry Moon. He attempts to persuade Harry to come to America with him and reconcile with his wife. Harry throws Niles out of the pub six times, and each time Niles tries again. Eventually, Harry agrees to go with him to see Daphne (partially motivated by the fact Niles is willing to pay for the plane ticket, which he ensures is first-class). When Daphne and her mother return from their trip to Hawaii , Daphne is delighted to see her father, but Gertrude is furious and upset. Niles tells Daphne that he had to go and fetch Harry, and Daphne reacts angrily because he never consulted with her first. Still, Niles is determined to keep trying to reunite her parents, and arranges for them to have an expensive dinner together at Chez Henri. The occasion, after a promising start, ends in disaster, and Harry decides to return to England, while Gertrude plans to make her permanent home in America. Daphne begins to lose faith in the idea of true love, but Harry assures her that she's met the right man in Niles and tells her how persistent he was in persuading him to visit. Overwhelmed by how much he is prepared to do to make her wishes come true, Daphne shows up on Niles' doorstep late that night and asks him to marry her immediately. Without a word, Niles leads her out of the apartment.
Act 1 1:57 P.M. MANCHESTER TIME Scene 1 - Ray's Pub, Manchester Fade in. The same pub Niles was thrown out of before. Harry Moon is sitting at a table. Niles comes in, a handkerchief over his face, and walks over to him. Putting it away, he composes himself. Niles: Mr. Moon? Harry: You again! Didn't I toss you out of here last night? Niles: Six times. But if you'll just give me a minute to... Harry: [rising] Gentlemen, this lad has traveled all the way from America to reunite me with my wife. The crowd makes ugly noises as Harry grabs Niles and prepares to toss him out yet again. Niles: [loudly] Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! You never gave me a chance to buy a round of drinks! The crowd changes its tune, calling for Niles to be let in after all. Harry drags Niles over to the bar. Harry: All right, the usual, Ray. Start talking. You got one pint. Ray hands him a pint and he starts drinking as Niles puts money down. He quickly consults some handwritten notes, then begins. Niles: Mr. Moon, a great man once wrote that "The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference." Harry has been drinking the whole time and finishes it off. Harry: Done. Get out! Niles: Mr. Moon, Mr. Moon, your wife, your wife is miserable without you. I think you should give her a second chance. After all, you were married for forty years. Harry: Forty years too long! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm late for work. Niles: Sorry. Harry walks over to a table where a young couple is sitting. He leans over to the woman. Harry: Hallo, aren't you a pretty thing? Fancy a roll in the hay? The young man jumps up. Man: No one talks to my woman that way! He punches Harry in the stomach, leaving him doubled over and gasping in pain as Niles looks on in shock. Man: [to his girlfriend] Let's go! They get up and leave. But after the woman clears the door, the man hurries back over to Harry and hands him a note. Man: Here's a tenner, Harry. Hope I didn't hurt you. Harry: All in the line of duty. Good luck to you, she's a nice bit of skirt. Man: Ta. The man heads out the door as Harry goes back to the bar. Niles, dumbfounded, comes up behind him. Harry: Same again, Ray. Niles: What was that? Harry: My job. I let lads give me a thumpin' to impress their dates. I tell you it's a cake walk compared to being married to Gertrude. At least when these lads hit me, they hold something back. Ray hands him his brew. Niles: Mr. Moon, you wouldn't recognize your wife. She's mellowed. Harry: You're wasting your breath. Niles: All right, all right, forget about your wife for a minute. Think about your daughter. She's heartbroken. Harry: My Daphne? Niles: Yes, yes, the separation is tearing her apart. If you care about her, come back to Seattle with me and talk to your wife. If you don't patch things up, at least your only daughter will know you cared enough to try. Harry: Well, you know, I'd love to see my baby girl again. But I can't afford to travel across the Atlantic whenever I please. Niles: Oh, I would pay for the ticket, of course. Harry: I can't have you buying me a first-class ticket to America! Niles notes the assumed grandiosity, but shrugs it off. Niles: I insist! Harry: All right. For Daphne. You know, you're lucky you caught me on a light work week. Oh, here's my two o'clock now. He walks over to another young couple sitting at a table. Harry: Hallo. Aren't you a pretty thing? Niles just watches this, a fascinated yet disturbed look on his face. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 2 - Cafe Nervosa Fade in. Roz is sitting at a table near the counter. Frasier gets a coffee. Frasier: Mind if I join you, Roz? Roz: Oh, please. You can help me kill some time. Roger's picking up his things from my apartment and I don't want to run into him. Frasier: [sitting] Ah. Afraid you'll fight? Roz: Worse. I'm afraid we'll end up in bed. I don't know, there's something about him that is irresistible. Frasier: I understand. Roz: Trust me, you don't. Roger is the best lover I've ever been with. Frasier looks miffed but keeps fiddling with his coffee. Roz: Oh, my God, what am I saying? You were great too! Frasier: Roz, really, there's no need to do this. Roz: It's just that I forgot and, well, technically it wasn't really s*x because it was you, but whatever it was, it was great! Frasier: Roz, please, there's no need to discuss it. Roz: I was one satisfied customer. Frasier: Glad to hear it. Roz grabs a card from the table. Roz: Oh, here, let's pretend this comment card is about you. Frasier: Roz, please, there is no need to do that. All right, if you insist. Just remember that it was late at night and I am really more of a morning person. Roz takes a pencil and quickly fills it out. Roz: [handing it to him] Here you go. Frasier: Let's see. High marks for courtesy and neatness of appearance, that's good. You were served in a prompt and timely manner. Roz: Absolutely. Frasier: Now, I see here that you're not planning a return visit. Roz: Only because we agreed. I mean, as you can see, I will highly recommend you to friends and family members. Frasier: Well, that was very kind of you, Roz, thank you. Would you like me to fill one out for you? Roz: No. I think you made your opinion clear when you screamed "Outstanding!" Frasier laughs self-consciously. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 3 - Frasier's Apartment Fade in. Frasier and Niles come in the front with Harry. Harry: Oh, thanks for a tour of your city, lads. Now, where's your loo? I need to splash me boots. Frasier opens the door to the powder room and Harry goes in. Frasier gives Niles a look. Niles: It's just an expression. Or so I've chosen to believe. He takes off his coat and hangs it up. Frasier goes to sit on the couch. Frasier: Niles, are you and Daphne planning on having children? Niles: Someday, why? Frasier: No reason. Niles goes to get some sherry. Niles: Now, all I have to do is stash Mr. Moon at my place, pick up Daphne and her mom at the airport, then get them all together, and lay the groundwork for a reconciliation. Martin comes in the front in his security uniform. Martin: Hey, guys. Frasier: Oh, hi, Dad. How was work? Niles hands Frasier his sherry. Martin: Great. I finally busted that guy who was writing "Seymour Buttes" on the sign-out sheets. Frasier: So, who was it? Martin: Senior Vice-President Buttes. I'm on probation for a week. Harry comes out of the powder room and sees Martin. Harry: Good God, you American police are persistent. [He pulls something from his pocket.] I suppose you're looking for this. Martin: [taking it, confused] A Space Needle snow globe? Harry: I meant to pay for it. I put it in me pocket, but between there and the register, I forgot about it. Why don't you take it back? Niles: Mr. Moon, I think you're mistaken. This is our father, he works as a security guard. Martin: Yeah, Marty Crane. How do you do? Harry: Oh, Harold Moon. They shake. Martin: Oh yeah, you did a terrific job bringing up your daughter. Harry: Well, you know, you do your best. I'll be needing that back, then. Martin hands him the snow globe and he puts it back in his pocket. Frasier: [rising] Harry, let me get you a beer. Harry: Oh, get a man a beer, he drinks for five minutes; teach 'im where they are, he drinks all day. He follows Frasier into the kitchen. Niles: Oh, Dad, Dad, I need you to do me a favor. Mr. Moon is a little bit reluctant about getting back together with his wife. Martin: Huh, can you blame him? Niles: It occurs to me, there's no woman so attractive than the one some other guy seems to be attracted to. So... Martin: No way! Niles: But-but-but-but... it would mean a lot to Daphne. And, it'll get Mrs. Moon out of the country. Martin: Well, if it means a lot to Daphne. Harry and Frasier come back in from the kitchen. Martin: Well, she's a hell of a woman, your Gertrude. I don't blame you for comin' over here to fight for her. Harry: Really? What's so great about her? Martin: Well, you know. I mean, like I have to tell you... The whole package. She's got... hair... skin... Et cetera. And she's a good little drinker. He turns to go to his room. Niles: Dad, Dad, why just last week you were commenting on her twinkly eyes and her sunny smile. Martin: Definitely. Yes, I was. Yeah they sure don't make women like that in America. [to Eddie] Come on, boy. He and Eddie head off to his room. Harry: Wait a minute. I think I know what's goin' on here. The dog, the cane... He's lost his vision, hasn't he? Frasier can only nod in defeat. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 4 - Niles' Apartment Fade in. Gertrude Moon, Daphne and Niles come in the front. Gertrude sits on the couch, still talking. Gertrude: And then, she drags me to another luau. Where I come from, you bury a dead pig because it's diseased, not because you're going to dig it up and eat it. Niles: Yes, well, Hawaii's not for everyone. Things may be looking up. I have a surprise. Daphne: Oh, a surprise. I hope it's not another trip, darling, or I might just have to kill you in your sleep. Harry shouts from the other room then rushes to the landing holding a pair of Niles' shoes. Harry: Niles, good news! Our feet are the same size! Daphne: Daddy! I knew you'd come! Harry drops the shoes and runs down the stairs to embrace Daphne. Harry: Hello, Stilts! Ah, give your old dad a kiss! Daphne: Mum, look who's here, all the way from England! Harry: Hallo, Gert. Gertrude: "Hallo, Gert"? That's all you have to say for yourself? For forty years I've been a good wife to you, raising your children and boiling your meals and letting you work off your animal lusts and all I get for my trouble is a cheery "Hallo, Gert"?! Well your fatal charm is not going to work this time, so you can just drag your sorry arse back to that barstool it normally sags over and leave me the hell alone! She stomps off to the guest room, but turns back at the hallway. Gertrude: [cheerily] Thank you, Niles, that was a nice surprise. She leaves, slamming the door of her room when she gets there. Harry: You're right. She has mellowed. Daphne: See? And I'm sure if you just give her a little more time, everything will work out. Harry: I gave it me best shot. I'm going to go pack. Daphne: Daddy... He hurries off upstairs. Daphne: I don't understand. He came all this way and he's just going to give up? Niles: Well, actually, he didn't even want to come. I sort of... flew to England and persuaded him. Daphne: You what? Niles: I wanted to surprise you. Daphne: How could you do this without talking to me first? Niles: That would've spoiled the surprise? Daphne: Niles, I could have flown to England and talked to him, too, but I didn't because I know my parents. When they fight they need time apart to miss each other. And you would have known that had you consulted me first! She heads off to the guest room to see her mother. Harry comes from upstairs, stopping to pick up Niles' shoes. Harry: I'm off. Niles: Mr. Moon, Mr. Moon, wait. Just stay one more day and spend a little more time with your daughter. I'll put you up in a hotel. Harry: I can't let you buy me a suite in a five-star hotel! Niles again notices the extravagance, but leads him off. [SCENE_BREAK] End of Act 1 [SCENE_BREAK] Act 2 Scene 1 - Café Nervosa Fade in. Niles is sitting and drinking coffee, but jumps up when Daphne comes in. Daphne: I'm sorry I yelled at you last night. Niles: No, no, I'm sorry. I, I was thinking about it, you were absolutely right. We're a team now and bringing your dad back should have been our joint decision. Daphne: Thanks for understanding. Anyway, what's done is done. Mum's taken her claws out of the ceiling and Dad's headed back to England. They sit. Niles: Actually, I convinced him to stay an extra day. I thought I should tell you since we're a team. Daphne: You what? Niles: Well, I thought you'd want to spend more time with him, plus, since they're both in the same city, we can get them together tonight. She gives him a dour look. Niles: Or not. We're a team! Totally up to you. Daphne: I don't know, maybe we should let them work it out for themselves. Niles: Yeah, or on the other hand maybe our love will inspire them and come October, they'll be dancing at our wedding. Daphne: That would be wonderful. Frasier walks in. Niles and Daphne rise to greet him. Frasier: Oh, hi, Niles. Niles: Hey, Frasier, listen: Daphne and I are taking her parents out to dinner tonight. Can you get a reservation at Chez Henri? Frasier: Chez Henri? Niles, they're booked up months in advance. Niles: Well, I know that I wouldn't stand a chance, but I was hoping if I cloaked myself in the mantle your greater renown... Frasier: You should know better than that, Niles, I am NOT susceptible to flattery. Niles: I know that. You're the most grounded, down-to-earth person I know. Frasier: Thank you. I'll make a call. He sits. Niles and Daphne leave as Roz comes in. Niles: Hey, Roz. Roz: Oh, hey, Niles. They leave and Roz comes over to the table. Roz: Frasier. Frasier: Oh, Roz, Roz. I wanted to talk to you about this. He pulls out Roz's "Comment Card" as she sits. Roz: Oh, my God, you still have that? Frasier: Yes, well, I was glancing at it. I couldn't help but notice the overall score you gave me: out of a possible five cups of coffee, it was a four. Roz: Yeah, that's a good score. Frasier: It's a fine score. But it occurs to me that this presents an opportunity for me to learn something about my performance that might... benefit me. So, what might I have done to earn that elusive fifth cup? Roz: Oh, I'm a tough grader. No one's a five-cupper. Frasier: Nonetheless, there is a theoretical fifth cup out there. Now, I'm going to put ego aside, this is all about self- improvement. My commitment to "sexcellence" if you will. Roz: You just lost a cup. Frasier: Oh, please Roz? Roz: All right. Um, you know that thing you did at the end? Frasier: At the very end? Roz: Just before. Frasier: I know exactly what you mean. Roz: I coulda done without that. Frasier: Really? You didn't like that. Well maybe that's just your taste. Roz: No. Frasier: 'Cause I've received high kudos for that in the past. Roz: Look, don't take it personally. It would have been impossible for either one of us to get a perfect score that night, given the circumstances. We were both tentative, and more than a little vulnerable. Frasier: That's true. Roz: And it was tough to concentrate with the TV blaring away in your dad's bedroom. Frasier: I didn't hear that. Roz: Don't you remember? Sting was on Letterman. He was talking about the rain forest and the plight of the Yanomama Indians. It was really sad. I mean, the whole Orinoco River Valley is being forested into extinction. Frasier: Well... I'm glad my woefully inadequate performance didn't distract you from your ecology lesson. Did Sting happen to mention anything about you shaving your legs? Because that's a rain forest that could use some pruning! Roz: Frasier! That is exactly why I didn't want to do this! Forget it. She grabs the card and tears it up. Frasier looks embarrassed. They sit in silence for a few moments. Roz smiles. Roz: You know, you're a very good kisser. Frasier: No, I'm not. You are, I'm not. Roz: Yes, you are. Do I need to fill out another card? She holds one up. Frasier: Oh, please! [his expression turns hopeful] Would you? She grabs a pencil and starts. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 2 - Chez Henri Fade in. Niles, Daphne, Gertrude and Harry come to a table, led by the owner. Henri: We have some magnificent specials this evening. Gertrude: [as they sit] Just so you know, Henry, I won't eat frogs, snails, slugs or eels. And don't try slippin' 'em under the sauce. I'm on to you people. Henri: I shall repeat this to the chef and I'm sure some other delightful surprise will find its way onto your plate. He walks away. Niles: Isn't this lovely? Candlelight, romantic music. Must take you back to the days of your courtship. Where did you two meet? Harry: At a soccer riot. She stopped a Spanish bloke from smashin' a chair over me head. Gertrude: He wasn't Spanish, he was Portuguese. Harry: I believe he was Spanish. Gertrude: Well I believe I know the difference between a bloody Spaniard and a bloody Portuguese! Niles: Okay, okay, moving on... Your first date? Harry: She had me over for dinner. Gertrude: Oh, do you remember, I cooked you bubble and squeak. Harry: And then we went out, got squiffy and half starkers and snogged behind the chippy. All the Moons break out laughing. Niles: You lost me after the word "dinner," but the language of love is universal. [N.B. "bubble and squeak" - a dish of leftover potatoes and vegetables, fried up; "squiffy" - drunk or tipsy.] Gertrude: Listen, we had some good times back then, hey? Harry: Oh, you should have seen her, Daphne, she was a real firecracker. Daphne: [to Niles] Maybe we should order some champagne. Niles: Actually, I brought a very special bottle from home. It's in the car. [getting up] You two, you just keep reminiscing, I'll be right back. He hurries out. CUT TO: the front of the restaurant as he runs along to his car. He comes across a man walking his dog. Niles: Hello, lovely dog. The dog gets very friendly with Niles' leg for a moment. Niles pushes him off and hits the remote for his trunk. He grabs a bottle of wine, closes the trunk and hurries back into the restaurant. CUT TO: the dining area, where he finds a small fire started on the floor, table and chairs overturned, Daphne holding back Gertrude and a waiter holding back Harry. Needless to say, there is a lot of shouting going on. Gertrude: Take that back! Harry: I will not! Daphne: Mummy, Daddy, please! Niles: What happened to snogging behind the chippy? Gertrude pull loose from Daphne. Gertrude: Get out of my country! Harry: I can't leave soon enough! He kicks the waiter in the leg and leans over into Gertrude's face. Harry: You're Martin Crane's problem now. Gertrude: What? Harry: Did you think I wouldn't find out about your little fancy man? He says he can't stop thinkin' about ya! Gertrude: Well, that's because he knows a good thing when he sees it! Harry: He can't see anything! Gertrude: Take me home, Daphne. I've had enough of this horrid man! They head out, Gertrude sobbing. Niles: Wait! Now that the lines of communication are open... Daphne: Oh, leave it alone Niles! Come on, Mum.... They leave as Niles turns to survey the damage of the evening. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 3 - Frasier's Apartment Fade in. Martin is on the phone. Martin: No, Gertrude, I never said I had a thing for you... No, I'm not playing hard to get... Yes, I guess if I was playing hard to get, I'd say that I wasn't, but I'm not. Frasier comes from his room, talking on his cell phone. Frasier: Henri, you can't ban me from your bistro! It's my chez away from chez! ...Very well. Goodbye, Henri. Martin: Goodbye, Gertrude. They both hang up as the doorbell rings. Martin: Great, I cheated death in Korea for this! Frasier opens the door. It is Niles and Harry. Niles: Hello. Frasier: [darkly] Hello. Niles: I see word travels fast. Harry: Is Daphne here? Martin: No, she's not back from taking her mother home. Harry: Oh, well... I was hoping to see her before I left. I guess I'll leave her a note, then. Niles: Mr. Moon, I'm sorry I dragged you all the way to America. Harry: Oh, it wasn't all that bad. I got to see Daphne. And that hotel was brilliant! The towels were so fluffy I could barely close me suitcase. He heads off to Daphne's room. Frasier: Niles, I'm sorry things didn't work out. Martin: Well, she can't say you didn't try. Daphne comes in the front. Niles: Hello. Daphne: Hello. Awkward silence. Frasier: Well, uh, Dad, why don't we go into your bedroom? I want to show you how to use the closed captioning on your TV so you won't have to have it up so loud at night. Martin: Yeah, sure. They head off. Niles: Your dad's here in your room, leaving you a note. How's your mom? Daphne: [sitting on the couch] Apparently there's nothing left for her in England, so she's thinking about putting down roots here. Niles: Daphne, from the bottom of my heart... Daphne: Niles, it's been a very trying day. Could we talk about this later? I'll drive Daddy to the airport. Niles: I'll move his suitcase to your car. He leaves out the front as Harry comes back in. Harry: There you are. Well, back to England, then. Daphne: Yes. No chance of you and Mum getting back together? Harry: Don't think so, love. Not this time. Daphne: Maybe if you give it another chance. You could... Harry: Daphne - I'm sorry. It's over. Has been for a long time! I mean, I've got no complaints, I got something wonderful out of it: you! He sits beside her and they hug. Daphne: If you don't love each other, why did you stay together for forty years? Through all the fighting and the screaming and the hitting? Harry: That was for you kids. Daphne: I can't believe this is really happening. I mean, maybe I'm naive, but I always thought love would save the day. Harry: Well, you know, we all think that when we're young. But then life beats us around a bit and you learn to dream a little smaller. Daphne: So that's how it goes: two people meet, they're together for forty years, and then all of a sudden it just ends. Harry: But it's different from you! I mean, you've found the right person. Daphne: You barely know him. Harry: Well, all I know is, I threw him out of my pub six times and six times he marched back in and yammered me ear off until, until I went back with him to America - all to make YOU happy. I never did anything like that for your mother. No no, I tell ya, Daphne, you've got the right one there. A good one, you know? And another thing: [rubs his fingers together] He's worth a bob or two. She smiles and swats his arm. Daphne: Dad! Harry: Oh, sweetie... They hug again. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 4 - Niles' Apartment Fade in. There is a knocking at the front door. Niles answers it to reveal Daphne. Daphne: I want to marry you! Niles: I want to marry you! Daphne: No, I want to marry you NOW! Niles: As in... now? Daphne: Yes! Niles: Why? Daphne: Why? Because you'd do anything, even put up with my insane family, to make me happy. Because you'd travel halfway around the world to make my dreams come true, even the impossible ones. And because I can't spend one more minute without being your wife, Niles Crane. Because I adore you. Niles: But... I thought you always wanted a big wedding. Daphne: Do you want to make my dreams come true? This is my dream. Niles looks deeply into her eyes, then takes her hand. Grabbing his coat, he leads her out the front door, closing it behind them. [SCENE_BREAK] End of Act 2
Moons Over Seattle