As Haley's due date approaches, she starts preparing her friends and family to make sure that they are ready when the baby arrives. Julian and Brooke prepare for their adoption, and Chuck looks to Chase to help him with a problem. This episode is named after an album by Joe Walsh . Opening theme song performed by Spinnerette .
[PREVIOUSLY_ON] IAN: You guys here to sign me? CLAY: Depends on what you're looking for in an Agent. IAN: Whoever gets me the most money up front. Highest signing bonus wins. I'm one curve ball away from blowing out my arm and being washed up like you two. So I'll take mine now the money, all of it. MOUTH : Wow. Millicent Huxtable, field reporter. I'd watch you all day long. MILLICENT: This job should be yours, Marvin. You're great at what you do, and I'm just some silly girl pretending to be a reporter. JAMIE: Aunt Brooke! BROOKE: Jamie?! Are you okay?! JULIAN: Brooke! Brooke! JAMIE: It's Julian! BROOKE: We're in here! We're okay! JULIAN: No, stop! Stop! Stop! BROOKE: Julian! CHLOE: I just want two people who are gonna love this baby, who can take care of this baby. I want you guys to be the parents. NALEY'S HOUSE Quinn makes a toaster pastry. Haley comes to see. QUINN: "Toaster pastry you taste so good and yummy toaster pastry get into my tummy frosting doodle on my strudel and now I'm gonna eat you up" HALEY: Quinn? QUINN: Hmm? HALEY: It's time. QUINN: Huh? Quinn tries to gather her staff. QUINN: Okay, here we go. Breathe, breathe. HALEY: I'm breathing. Breathe. Uh, those are my shoes. QUINN: Uh-huh. HALEY: I'm already wearing shoes. QUINN: Okay, um... HALEY: Where are your keys? QUINN: Keys! Keys. Keys. Keys. Keys. Where are the keys? Those are clay's keys. Where are my keys? HALEY: Didn't you drive clay's car today? QUINN: Uh-huh. They are in the garage. Haley tries to sit in her car. QUINN: We'll take your car. We're gonna be fine. HALEY: I don't think I'm gonna fit in there. QUINN: Yes, we're gonna make it work. Stay positive. Just are you breathing? HALEY: I'm breathing. I'm still breathing. QUINN: Okay, just wait, lift your the leg. HALEY: Quinn, this is not gonna work because I have to get in the backseat. QUINN: There is no backseat! HALEY: I know. Haley is in the trunk of Clay's car. QUINN: We got this. You're good. HALEY: Quinny, I can't. QUINN: You have to, 'cause you're having the baby! HALEY: Actually, I'm not. QUINN: What? HALEY: Gotcha. Quinn is upset. QUINN: That was a dirty trick. HALEY: It was just a little test, and you need to be ready in case the baby starts coming and Nathan's not here. QUINN: You cried wolf, wolf-crier. HALEY: You want a drink? QUINN: No. HALEY: Toaster pastry? QUINN: No. Yes. What's so funny? HALEY: You tried to stuff me into a Stingray. Well, you were so not ready. QUINN: Oh, I'll be ready. I'll be ready. HALEY: I hope so, 'cause you totally tanked that test. KELLERMAN'S CLASS Kellerman returns the duties to the pupils. KELLERMAN: Do you hate me? Or is it the marijuana or the texting or spending all night on the facepage? Because most of you are failing this class. Most of you. PAINT SHOP Brooke and Julian want to find a color for baby's room. BROOKE: What color should we paint the baby's room? JULIAN: Are you getting a baby's room, Brooke Davis? BROOKE: Yes. JULIAN: Why? Are you getting a baby, Brooke Davis? BROOKE: Yes, I'm getting a baby and a baby's room. And that baby's getting me and us. JULIAN: That baby's getting lucky. BROOKE: Hmm. JULIAN: Well, blue or pink, but since Chloe doesn't want to know the s*x ahead of time... BROOKE: Yellow. JULIAN: Green. BROOKE: Yellow's so sunny, though. Golden butter. Golden treasure. Soft duckling. JULIAN: Okay, soft duckling is strong, but don't sleep on enchanted forest. BROOKE: It is enchanted. We're gonna have a family. We're gonna have a baby in a room with paint called enchanted forest or soft duckling. You're my enchanted forest. JULIAN: You're my soft duckling. BROOKE: Mmm. MOUTH'S APARTMENT Millicent is disguised in a chicken. MOUTH: Aw, look at my soft duckling. MILLICENT: I'm supposed to be a chicken. A chicken. MOUTH: Isn't that how the last guy... MILLICENT: Yes! Yes, that's how the last guy got run down in traffic. I don't want to cross the road. MOUTH: Well, why don't you do one of the other stories, then? MILLICENT: Because they're boring, and I want to make a splash. Chicken suit makes a splash. MOUTH: Chicken suit makes a splatter, too. MILLICENT: I know. MOUTH: Okay. Well, how about you read me one of the other stories, and we can come up with an angle? MILLICENT: You'll help me? MOUTH: Of course. Anything for my... Hot chick. MILLICENT: Nice. I am hot. My chicken feet are sweating like you wouldn't believe. MOUTH: Ew. KELLERMAN'S CLASS Nathan comes to see Kellerman. NATHAN: You wanted to see me? KELLERMAN: Were you surprised by your "A," Mr. Scott? NATHAN: A-minus. Were you? KELLERMAN: I believe they invented the word "very" for moments such as these. NATHAN: I will take that as a Dan Scott-like pat on the back, Professor. KELLERMAN: I don't want you representing my son. I'd appreciate it if you would stop. NATHAN: Is that why I got an "A"? KELLERMAN: A-minus. And no. Your representation of Ian, or lack thereof, will not affect your grade for this course. NATHAN: Well, good, because Ian is a hell of a prospect, and he's gonna need an Agent. KELLERMAN: I didn't say I don't want him represented, Mr. Scott. I simply don't want him represented by you. ONE TREE HILL - OPEN CREDITS COFFEE BAR Clay and Nathan talk together. NATHAN: He's just so smug about it, you know. Like I'm not good enough to represent his son. And then he started into the whole separation-of-business- and-personal nonsense. CLAY: Mm. NATHAN: And then that chick from Kellerman's boat came by. She asked about you. CLAY: Who, Tracy? So not as hot as Quinn. NATHAN: So, what do you think? I'm thinking pancakes or fajitas. NATHAN: Never mind. And, really, pancakes or fajitas? How are those your choices? CLAY: Mm, because, Nate, I like pancakes, and I like fajitas. NATHAN: That's like saying applesauce or mashed potatoes. CLAY: Ooh, mashed potatoes sound great. NATHAN: You're very strange. You know that? CLAY: Mm-hmm. Totally weird. (Clay's cellphone rings) CLAY: Hey, oh. Julian. (at phone)What's up, J-man? Yeah, I'm aware it's not Jamie. What's going on? Hello? Hello?! NATHAN: You drop him? CLAY: Yep. I'll just text him back. You know, I can't remember the last time that I actually completed a call. NATHAN: Well, we've only had cellphones for like 30 years. You can't expect miracles. Hey. Tea and tea. CLAY: You know, one day, we're gonna look back and say, "remember when we used to drop calls, and we were all like, 'hello? Is anybody there?'" this is why we text. (Chase comes in) CHASE: Why do people text? CLAY: Because calling people ends in frustration and disappointment. NATHAN: No, people text because they don't like to be put on the spot. Nobody wants to be caught on the other side of that conversation when someone asks them to carpool or lend them money, or when someone tells you that they've always loved you. CHASE: Trust me, the last one's the worst. CLAY: No, not as bad as when they call and then they ask you to smuggle 15 balloons of pure Bolivian cocaine across the Turkish border, and you got bills to pay, and you got a problem saying no. NATHAN: You finished? CLAY: In your butt. Now I'm finished. NATHAN: Nobody likes to be put on the spot. They want to read it, think about it, and then respond, usually with a well-conceived lie or an excuse. CLAY: Or they just pretend they didn't even get it. CHASE: Or when you text that you love someone and you don't hear anything back, you can pretend that they never got it. You can't do that on the phone. I tell myself they're dead or just being held in a pit like in "Silence of the Lambs." (Julian comes in too) JULIAN: It puts the lotion in the basket. Actually, the line was, "it places the lotion in the basket," but everybody always gets it wrong. Anyway, what about the pit in "Silence of the Lambs"? NATHAN: Well, apparently you don't get good cellphone coverage down there. CHASE: Exactly. JULIAN: Oh, well, yeah. We've only had cellphones for the last 30 years, so you can't expect a miracle. Anyway, clear your minds, which is not hard, I know. You ready? Mm-hmm. Soft duckling or enchanted forest? NATHAN: Are you starting a band? Because I would go see soft duckling. JULIAN: No. These are the paint colors for my baby's room. NATHAN: Ugh. CLAY: Mm. CHASE: I got to go to work. I'm... GUYS: Bar manager. CHASE: Hate is a choice. Don't do it. (Chase leaves) JULIAN: Seriously, yellow or green? CLAY: I don't know, that's like asking us to compare applesauce and mashed potatoes. JULIAN: Ooh, mashed potatoes. Nice call. Sounds good, right? NATHAN: I'm so glad that my wife is not having a son. I got to go find Ian. CLAY: Text him! Don't call! Trust me! JULIAN: No. NALEY'S HOUSE Haley makes an another test for Quinn. HALEY: Quinn. It's time. Oh, very nice. QUINN: And look what I found in the garage. HALEY: Ooh, excellent. QUINN: Have a seat. HALEY: Oh! Why, thank you. QUINN: My very roomy S.U.V. is waiting outside. Let's go have a baby. HALEY: Nicely done. QUINN: Thank you. Only thing what if I'm not here and Nathan's not here? HALEY: Hmm. Brooke enters in the house. BROOKE: Haley? Hey, what's going on? Are you okay? HALEY: It's time. BROOKE: Oh, my gosh. Okay. Um, okay. Let's get you to the hospital. Okay. Okay, come on. All right. Are you sure? HALEY: Yeah, my water broke. BROOKE: Okay! Leather seats. Hang on. I just have to get a towel. Come to the kitchen. HALEY: I don't think there's time. BROOKE: There's time. HALEY: But the baby's coming! BROOKE: The baby is not coming! Just...clamp your knees together. HALEY: Clamp my knees together? BROOKE: Like you should've done nine months ago. Where's a towel? HALEY: Oven. BROOKE: Oh! Okay, I got it. Ow! Oh, my God. Okay, I have a towel. I have my car keys. Let's go. Ohh! (Brooke trips and makes fall its keys in the gutter) BROOKE: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. (Quinn comes in) QUINN: Oh. What happened there, Brooke? HALEY: Whew. Brooke tries to have her keys. BROOKE: That was a dirty trick. QUINN: That's what i said. HALEY: Well, you were a disaster. BROOKE: I was not that bad. HALEY: You were a mess. QUINN: You were kind of a mess. BROOKE: I was in complete control until this. I can't get them. We're gonna have to call Julian. HALEY: Hmm. BROOKE: Julian. Julian comes in to recover the keys. JULIAN:: How did this happen again? BROOKE: I tripped. You know how clumsy I am. JULIAN: I don't...I don't know if I can get them. QUINN: Well, gosh, I sure hope Hales doesn't go into labor anytime soon. JULIAN: Well, if she does, we'll just throw her in the bed of my truck. HALEY: Guys? BROOKE: Oh! Are you okay, Haley? HALEY: It's time. JULIAN: What? It's time? HALEY: Uh-huh. JULIAN: You sure? HALEY: Mm-hmm. Julian pass out. Brooke tries to wake up. BROOKE: Julian? Julian. Julian. JULIAN: Where are we? What happened? Did you have your baby? HALEY: No, no, it was just -- it was a little a test. And you passed...out. JULIAN: That's a dirty trick. HALEY: Really? QUINN: I can't help it. They're toaster-pastry deliciousness. BROOKE: She's kind of right. JULIAN: I want one. HALEY: Yeah, I kind of want one, too. Geez, Quinny. How many is that? CLUB TRIC Nathan joins Ian in the Tric. NATHAN: How many is that? IAN: What are you, my father? NATHAN: If I was, I wouldn't be happy with me right now. IAN: So what else is new? Let me guess. He told you not to be my Agent. NATHAN: Pretty much. IAN: Well, then, I guess it's a win/win for you. You get to sign me and piss off the old man. NATHAN: What about you? IAN: Well, I get to sign with good agents, piss off the old man, and look good doing it. It's a win/win/win. You want a drink? NATHAN: No, I got to get home. My wife's pregnant, you know. (Nathan joins Tommy at the bar) NATHAN: You too, huh? TOMMY: You didn't see my test. Chuck is at the bar too. CHUCK: Hey. TOMMY: Hey. CHASE: Dude, you're like 8 years old. CHUCK: 9. I got left back a year. CHASE: Not the point. What's up? CHUCK: Can you help me? MOUTH'S APARTMENT Mouth dresses in a chicken. MOUTH: Of course I'll help you. Just tell me what the story's about. MILLICENT: You wanted to wear the suit, didn't you? MOUTH: I did. MILLICENT: You happy? MOUTH: I am. It's nice. I feel chicken-y. MILLICENT: Okay. Well, basically they did a study saying that street signs are more noticeable if only the first letter is capitalized, not the whole name. MOUTH: They did not do that study. MILLICENT: Yes, they did. MOUTH: Someone actually paid someone money for that? MILLICENT: Mm-hmm, you did, with your taxpayer dollars...I mean, when you had a job. MOUTH: I have a job. I'm a bartender. MILLICENT: You're kind of more of a bar back. MOUTH: Who bartends once in a while. MILLICENT: Okay, sorry. Bartender. MOUTH: I pay my taxes. MILLICENT: I know you do, honey. You are a hard-working, tax-paying, very handsome, chicken-y-feeling bartender. I still need help on the story. MOUTH: Okay, well, maybe you could do something like, um, "why did the chicken cross the wrong road? Because he couldn't read the street signs." MILLICENT: Hey, that's pretty good. MOUTH: So they really paid someone for this study? Like, some firm somewhere, with supposedly educated people, did this? MILLICENT: Mm-hmm. They're changing the signs, too. They say signs with all capital letters cause people to stare a little longer, and the lingering causes accidents. MOUTH: The lingering? MILLICENT: Mm-hmm. MOUTH: The lingering on the all-capital-letter street signs that we've had since the beginning of time. MILLICENT: Mm-hmm. MOUTH: Let me ask you a question. Which are larger, capital letters or smaller letters? MILLICENT: Capital letters. MOUTH: And what's easier to see, larger things or small things? MILLICENT: Larger. MOUTH: And what do you think would cause one to linger on a street sign, the fact that the larger, easier-to-read letters tripped you up, or the fact that, hey, why are all the street signs different? Bam. Accident. MILLCIENT: Bam? MOUTH: Bam, not to mention the money they spent on this study and the money they're gonna spend to change all the street signs. MILLICENT: $110 per sign on every street sign in America. MOUTH: Unbelievable. Schools don't have art or music or hot lunches or books, and this is where my tax dollars as a bartender are going? MILLICENT: Wow. You are really worked up about this street-sign thing. MOUTH: I am. MILLICENT: And kind of the bartender thing, too. I guess I'll do it, then the story. MOUTH: Well, only do it if you'll say how ridiculous it is, that it's a ridiculous, stupid, wasteful project. MILLICENT: I wish. MOUTH: Well, Jerry loves stuff like that. You know? Just call it, um, social commentary. MILLICENT: I don't think so, but thanks. You hot? MOUTH: Yeah, you're right. My feet are sweating. MILLICENT: Mm-hmm. MOUTH: You know, if a guy plays most of his career in the minors, and then he gets called up... MILLICENT: You're a bartender. MOUTH: He's a major-leaguer, Millie. MILLICENT: Bartender. Bartender. MOUTH: That's right. BRULIAN'S HOUSE Julian and Brooke go home. Chloe is here. BROOKE: Okay, here we go. JULIAN: Brooke, I'm fine. BROOKE: I know. It's okay. You just got a little spooked. JULIAN: I really do think it was more from standing up so fast than anything. BROOKE: Well, you saved my keys, and if you hadn't... CHLOE: You would've had to use the spare key under the gnome statue. Hi. JULIAN: Hi. BROOKE: Chloe, what are you doing here? CHLOE: Oh, I'm making a toaster pastry. BROOKE: But how did you get in? CHLOE: I used the spare key under the gnome statue. You want one? JULIAN: Yes, but what are you doing here, other than making delicious toaster strudel? I mean, are you okay? CHLOE: There's been a change of plans. I had a checkup this morning, and, um...looks like your baby's gonna be here sooner than we thought. JULIAN: Oh. BROOKE: Oh. NALEY'S HOUSE Clay and Nathan launch a ball in a basket. CLAY: So, tell me again how it went down. NATHAN: I got an a-minus, he asked to see me, and then he told me he didn't want us representing Ian. You believe that? CLAY: Everything except the a-minus part. So, what do you think? NATHAN: Well, I think Kellerman's a bully, and we need to get Ian a great deal so he can get out from under his father and never look back. CLAY: And are we talking about Ian Kellerman now or Nathan Scott? NATHAN: I know you don't like Ian. And on the surface, there's not a lot to like. But I've been there, clay. He just needs to grow up and find some stability. CLAY: You see the past when you look at this kid. I get that. But, buddy, I don't trust him. NATHAN: So we beat Kellerman at his own game, with his own words. Trust is a gamble. Get it in writing. We have Ian sign a contract with us. That way Kellerman can't influence him or pressure him. And then we include a morals clause in case you're right and I'm wrong, which I'm not. CLAY: So you beat Kellerman using his own textbook. Nice going, a-minus. (Haley comes in) HALEY: Nathan! It's time! NATHAN: Yeah. Okay. We're just gonna finish this game. HALEY: The baby's coming right now. NATHAN: Yeah, I know. HALEY: Clay? CLAY: This is really exciting stuff, Hales, but if you could just force your knees together and hang in there, we're almost done. In fact, do you want winners? HALEY: I don't think you guys understand. I'm gonna have the baby right here. NATHAN: Yeah, I don't think you understand. Mnh-mnh. Julian told us that you tricked him and Brooke and Quinn. CLAY: Oh! Hey, look, it's a wolf! You see, now, I'm the boy who cried "wolf," too, so... HALEY: Yeah, yeah, it's true. I-I did. I did trick them. But right now, it's not a trick, and we actually need to go to the hospital. NATHAN: Are you serious? CLAY: Like, right now, right now? NATHAN: Okay, uh, I -- I have to find my keys. HALEY: Just kidding! Wolf! STREET/MOUTH'S APARTMENT Millicent reports. Mouth looks at the TV. CAMERAMAN: Okay, Millie, you're live in 15 seconds. MILLICENT: Okay. CAMERAMAN: Stand by. You're live in 5, 4, 3, 2. MILLICENT(at the TV): Why did the chicken cross the wrong road? Because he couldn't read the street signs. At least, that's what our government says. The federal government has mandated that by 2018, all street signs in the United States must be written with a capital letter followed by lowercase letters. It's costing taxpayers in New York City $27.5 million, and your city will be next. Why? The Federal Highway Administration says that safety will improve by replacing the all-capital-letter signs, because drivers will be able to identify the words more quickly when they're written in both upper- and lowercase letters in a font called clearview. At least, that's what I think it's called. It's written in big, bold, capital letters in this press release, so I couldn't quite make it out. CAMERAMAN: Sorry. I'm sorry. MILLICENT(at the TV): So, let me get this straight. Schools don't have books or art or music or hot lunches, and this is where our tax dollars are going? Unemployment is up. People are jobless and homeless and hopeless, and the government is spending $110 per sign on every street sign in America to make the letters smaller so that we can read them better? Really? Really? I'm Millicent Huxtable, and how clucked up is that? RADIO STUDIO Jerry is upset. JERRY: Are you out of your mind? You were just supposed to report that the signs were being replaced. MILLICENT: It was a dumb idea. JERRY: T-that's your opinion. We don't air opinions. Our viewers do not watch the news to get "social commentary" from a -- a frickin' chicken! MILLICENT: They were using taxpayer dollars. JERRY: Well, you won't have to worry about your taxpayer dollars, because you might be out of a job by the end of the day. Phones are starting to light up. This is gonna be bad. Go home, Millie. I'll do what I can. CLUB TRIC Chase and Tommy help Chuck to touch the ball with the beater. TOMMY: Strike one! CHASE: Just keep your eye on the ball. Try it again. TOMMY: Strike two! CHASE: You're swinging a little late. CHUCK: Well, you're throwing them a little early. CHASE: Just choke up a little. All right? TOMMY: Strike three! CHUCK: Man, this game sucks! CHASE: Maybe it's my pitches. I'm pretty good, you know. TOMMY: It's not your pitches. CHASE: Dude, I was a great pitcher in little league. TOMMY: Throw one. CHASE: All right. TOMMY: It's not your pitches. CHASE: Man, you suck worse than me! RED BEDROOM RECORDS Chase, Chuck and Tommy come to ask something to Alex. CHASE: Hey. Sounds good. ALEX: You think so? I don't know. CHUCK: Cool! CHASE: Don't touch anything. Hey, can I borrow those glasses you need but you're too afraid to wear? ALEX: I-I don't need glasses. W-what glasses? CHASE: Uh, the ones in your purse that you squint through whenever you don't think anybody's looking. ALEX: You tell anyone about those, and I swear to God I will tell them...Something about you. CHASE: You can see your cream puff in a s*x tape, but God forbid they know you wear glasses? Can I borrow them, please? ALEX: Not a word. CHUCK: "Breathe in the lonely light" CHASE: All right. Let's go. TOMMY: Hey. ALEX: Hey. CLUB TRIC Chase wants Chuck to put glasses. CHASE: Just put them on. CHUCK: I don't want to. CHASE: Chuck, we need to know if your eyes are okay. I promise I won't laugh. (Chuck puts glasses and Chase laughs) CHUCK: You said you wouldn't laugh! CHASE: Come on. We're just playing. Chuck! CHUCK: You said you wouldn't laugh. TOMMY: He did look funny. BRULIAN'S HOUSE Brooke starts to paint the baby's room. Chloe is here. CHLOE: So, where's Julian? BROOKE: Oh, he's trying to finish this documentary he's been working on. It's pretty cool. I think you'd like it. Can I get you some milk to go with those cookies, or fruit to go with some milk? CHLOE: You can just ask me whatever you want, you know. BROOKE: What do you mean? CHLOE: I mean all those questions you want to ask me just go ahead and ask them. BROOKE: Okay. What's the baby's father like? CHLOE: He's handsome. He has a great smile. The truth is, I probably would've married him if he wasn't convicted on those drug charges. BROOKE: He's in jail... for drugs? CHLOE: Oh, prison, actually. Hey, maybe he knows your mom. I'm kidding. He's just a boy. He was just as scared as I was when I found out I was pregnant. He has this picture of what he wants his life to be, and this isn't in it. I have a picture, too. I don't know. This sounds terrible. But what do I know about raising a kid? BROOKE: Actually, I think putting the baby's life first is selfless. CHLOE: Should I even be in here with this paint? BROOKE: Latex paint with biocides and spray paint are actually the most harmful, so you're fine. CHLOE: Like I said, what do I know? BROOKE: What about your friends? CHLOE: Well, I used to have a lot of friends. But I can't really do the things that they like to do. BROOKE: Like what? KELLERMAN'S HOUSE Ian has organized a party in his house. Nathan and Clay come in. NATHAN: Ian said he was gonna have a few friends over. CLAY: Ah. Morals clause, good call. NALEY'S HOUSE Quinn drinks some vine for Haley. HALEY: How is it? Is it good? You want another glass? QUINN: No, Hales. I have to drive home. - HALEY: Just one more glass. Just one more. Shh, it's okay. QUINN: Haley, no. I already drank the wine for you, and I ate the exotic cheese and the Sushi. And, ugh, I feel so bloated. HALEY: Oh, well, you say that again, and I'll just punch your face. QUINN: Okay. I'm sorry. What else can I do for you? HALEY: I don't know. Ooh! Do you want to watch "psych"? QUINN: Never heard of it. Is it any good? HALEY: Mm, meh. Oh. QUINN: What? Why were you looking at me like that? HALEY: Nothing! I... nothing. I'm just...I was just thinking about how nice it is to have you here, and...how I can't believe that I almost lost you and Jamie in the same night. QUINN: But you didn't. Katie's locked away, and the driver of that car has to live with what he did. HALEY: I can't believe they haven't found him. I mean, how do you not find... QUINN: A smashed-up, dark-colored grand wagoneer. HALEY: Yeah. QUINN: I know. Julian told us. HALEY: Well, it's like you said. Whoever it is, they have to live with what they did. CLUB TRIC Alex joins Chase in the bar. CHASE: Step away from the bar. ALEX: Why? CHASE: Because you do two things when you're feeling vulnerable. ALEX: How do you know? CHASE: Because I know you, Alex. You do shots, and you do boys. And there's the second one. New boyfriend? ALEX: I don't know. Just somebody I met. CHASE: Change is a whisper, Alex. It's a season. It's slow and quiet, and it's not very dramatic. But it's up to you. This one's on me. Your song is good. (Millicent come in) MILLICENT: What a day. Root beer? ALEX: Chase bought it for me. MILLICENT: Well, don't you have any Tequila shots you need me to do for you? MOUTH: My girl went on a rant. MILLICENT: Your girl's about to be fired. MOUTH: What? Why? ALEX: Yeah, what? Why? MILLICENT: Because Jerry did not love it, and because chickens aren't supposed to give opinion. MOUTH: It was social commentary. MILLICENT: What was? It was so dumb. ALEX: What was dumb? MOUTH: Millie went live and called stupid stupid. MILLICENT: In a chicken suit. ALEX: Nice. MILLICENT: Jerry said he was getting complaints. I'm doomed. (A man approaches girls) MAN: Uh, excuse me, ladies. I just need to know if you're, um... ALEX: Yeah, hi. Alex Dupré. MAN: No, actually...I actually meant are you the angry chicken reporter? MILLICENT: That's me. MAN: I knew it. I...that was awesome, by the way. Just, uh, c-can I have your autograph? MILLICENT: Sure. KELLERMAN'S HOUSE Nathan and Clay wants Ian to sign up his contract. IAN: What is it? NATHAN: It's your contract with the agency. CLAY: Yeah, it's a standard thing, Ian. IAN: Well, I'll tell you what me and Tommy here against you guys in a game of beer pong. If we lose, I'll sign your contract. But if you lose, I don't. NATHAN: Come on, Ian. We don't want to play games. IAN: What's the matter? You afraid of getting your ass beat, Scott? NATHAN: You understand I used to be in the NBA, yes? IAN: And you understand that I can hit any part of the plate from 60 feet away, yes? CLAY: Drink up, Kellerman. BRULIAN'S HOUSE Brooke paints the baby's room. BROOKE: Well, since we don't know the s*x, I like yellow. Julian likes green. CHLOE: Why don't you just paint the room black? BROOKE: Black? It would be like a cave. CHLOE: I know. It'd be awesome. BROOKE: I had a friend named Peyton who had a black room when she was your age. She was adopted, too. You know, you could really help me with this if you would just tell us the s*x. CHLOE: I don't know it, and I really don't want to know it. BROOKE: Um, I'm sorry. I didn't even think... CHLOE: It's okay. I'm just really tired. I'm gonna go. BROOKE: Okay. Can I drive you somewhere, or... CHLOE: Oh, no, I...I have my motorcycle. BROOKE: You ride a motorcycle? CHLOE: No. I have a Prius. But the look on your face is priceless. I'm fine, I promise. Thanks for letting me hang out today. No matter what color you paint it, it's gonna be a really nice room. I'm sure this baby's gonna have an awesome life. CHUCK'S HOUSE Chase knocks at the window Chuck's bedroom. CHASE: Chuck! Hey, Chuck! CHUCK: Go away, Mr. Meathole. I told you to leave me alone. CHASE: What? I-it's me Chase. CHUCK: What do you want? Come to laugh at me some more? CHASE: No. I came to say I'm sorry about that. Okay? I'm sorry. Now put some clothes on and get out here. CHUCK: Where are we going? CHASE: Dude, it's late on a school night. Does it matter? CHUCK: Good point. Wait up. BASEBALL FIELD Chase trains Chuck to receipt the ball. CHUCK: Man, I thought we were gonna boost a car or something. CHASE: Just put them on. CHUCK: I better not be getting punk'd. CHASE: You're not. CHUCK: And no laughing. CHASE: No laughing. All right. Let's see what you got. CHUCK: Chuck! CHASE: I think you need glasses. Yep. Nice hit. Whoo. There you go. Attaboy. Whoo. CLUB TRIC Mouth serves someone, Millicent is still here. MOUTH: What are you looking at, girl I love? MILLICENT: My sexy bartender boyfriend who always helps me. MOUTH: You mean the one who feels bad about giving you the crummy advice? MILLICENT: You didn't. It felt good to say what I said. And if I get fired, I get fired. (Her cellphone rings) MILLICENT: It's Jerry. I don't want to get fired. (at phone)Hi, Jerry. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Okay. Thanks. He said the switchboards were jammed all day. MOUTH: Oh, that's bad. MILLICENT: Well... It would have been, except He said they liked me. He said I'm a hit, and they want me to do social commentary from now on. So, Marvin. What else are you mad about? KELLERMAN'S HOUSE Ian signs his contract. CLAY: All right, just initial here. And...sign there. NATHAN: Who knew Clay Evans was the beer-pong master? IAN: What the hell? I knew you guys couldn't be complete dorks. CLAY: Complete dorks and officially your agents. IAN: I think this calls for a little celebration. NATHAN: Don't you think you've had enough? IAN: Drinks, probably. Women, never. NATHAN: Ah. Well, on that note, I think we'll be heading out. You got a bathroom in this place? IAN: Uh, if you don't want to wait in line, there's one in the back of the house past the kitchen. NATHAN: All right. (Ian sends a text to Alex) CLUB TRIC Alex receives the text. Chase joins her. ALEX: Hey. How'd it go? CHASE: Good. A few inches lower, not so good. Thanks for the glasses. Our secret. ALEX: Thank you. You mind if I help you close up? CHASE: Sure, if you want to. ALEX: I do. I miss it. Besides, I didn't get any better offers. NALEY'S HOUSE Quinn prepares a toaster pastry. Haley comes in. QUINN: "Toaster strudel you taste so good and yummy toaster strudel get into my tummy frosting doodle on a strudel and now I'm gonna eat you up" HALEY: Quinn? It's time. For real this time. QUINN: Huh? BRULIAN'S HOUSE Brooke looks at the wall of the baby's room. Julian comes to talk to her. JULIAN: Brooke. She went into labor. BROOKE: Haley? JULIAN: No, Chloe. KELLERMAN'S HOUSE Nathan seeks the bathroom. He opens a door, it is that of the garage. He realizes that there is a car which corresponds to the description of Julian. Nathan enters the garage and sees an alcohol bottle to the front one. It is the Ian' car. End of the episode.
The Smoker You Drink, the Player You Get