Johnny tries to have the obscene town sign removed; Moira has one of her periodic emotional crises after reading nasty things about herself on the internet, and Johnny places Alexis in charge of taking care of Moira until the crisis passes; Moira accepts Jocelyn's invitation to discuss acting with the students at the elementary school; David searches for a job.
(Car door slams) Johnny: So, this is the town limits? Ray: Yes sir, 4,500 acres that ends right here at the town sign. And it's all yours, Johnny, it must be a nice feeling, considering you don't have a lot right now. You know, because of the crooked business manager. You know, the money scandal... Yes, I know, I know, I know, Ray. What the hell is this?! Ray: The town sign. Johnny: Is this the real sign, or the joke sign? Ray: What do you mean? Johnny: You don't see anything wrong with this? The man! Standing awfully close to that woman, wouldn't you say? Johnny: Well, he's holding on to her so she doesn't fall into the creek. Johnny: Look a little closer, Ray. Ray: Well, it need a little sprucing up. Johnny: Sprucing up?! Ray: It's very popular, people come from all over to take a picture with it. Johnny: I'll bet they do! You know what? This is coming down! Ray: That's the mayor's family up there! The sign's been here over forty years. Johnny: And you wonder why this place won't sell? Oh, I think I see it now. His shoulders are too big. Johnny: Get in the car, Ray. (Door creaks open) Moira? Boy, we've got our work cut out for us. But I've seen worse. It's not a problem. Moira? Moira: (Slurred) They dare to call me irrelevant? Shag carpeting, that's irrelevant! L.A. is irrelevant... I am relevant! "Good riddance," is what they said. Oh, who said that, sweetheart? Moira: I don't know! They're no name commentors. Tormentors. Are we having a bad day, honey? Moira: Anonymous. Ominous. That'll be fine, thank you. I'm afraid I don't have a gratuity right now. Alexis: So, that guy from the other night. He's not for me, right? David: What guy? That beardy guy that I kissed at the party. He's gross, right? Like, that's not a thing for me. There wasn't like, a spark or anything. You mean the hitchhiker that was burning meat over a garbage can? Yeah, that one. Have you seen your mother today? Um yeah, she was face down on the carpet before dragging herself into the closet. And you didn't say anything?! I thought she was maybe looking for a contact or something. Johnny: Yeah, she googled herself again, now she's having one of her "things." How bad is it? Johnny: How bad is it? A solid seven. It's not an eight, which seems manageable for you. Johnny: Well, except I've got a few things I have to take care of, so I need you two to go in, and take... No, I did Saint-Tropez, so. David: And I did her birthday, and Aspen twice. Johnny: And I'm trying to sell this town. So, if you kids want any chance of getting out of here, you'll help me out, and go in and look after your mother! Well, my horoscope said that I shouldn't assume responsibility for anybody but myself today. Johnny: Yeah, and my horoscope says, why don't you go in and help your mother! And don't let her out of your sight, okay? We don't want her detonating in public! Alexis: I know! Though it is kind of fun to watch, though. Not when you're the one she's trying to back over with a car. What's that? David: Eye cream. Johnny: From where? David: From Paris. How did you pay for it? David: Oh, one of my credit cards is still working. Johnny: Oh, you're charging things to your credit card?! I see, and how are you gonna pay for it? David: I don't think you understand, I already have it. Well, I know this is a bizarre concept for you, David, but if you want cream from Paris, you need a job, so you can pay for the cream from Paris! Okay well, tell that to the bags under my eyes, then. Johnny: And right after you tell your next joke, I want you to go down to the front desk, and ask what's-her-name... Stevie. Johnny: Where you can get a job around here! All right? I'm in the middle getting rid of an x-rated sign, before it scares off the few buyers we might actually have! Okay, I'll get on that. Johnny: You want the smooth under eyes of a 16-year-old, get a job! (Door slams) You just need to relax, because it's not like your boyfriend left you for a Scandinavian flight attendant! What kind of name is Kika anyway? I'm the one that should be in the closet right now, not you. Moira: Help me out. Moira: Help me! Alexis: Okay! Moira: Oh, shhh! My foot's fallen asleep. Hey, shall we see what they're saying about you and Stavros? Alexis: No! Moira: It's not my idea! Moira: You were a couple of doe eyed lovers aboard a trans-Atlantic airship filled with gas! Alexis: You know what I think we should do? I think we should go get something to eat, because when you're eating you can't be talking to me, okay? Moira: You know what I think? Alexis: What? (Snorts like a pig) You date pigs. Okay, I just remembered that being a mother is not your strong suit. Oh darling, I'm only telling you because it's true! Alexis: And because you gobbled down a hundred thousand anti-depressants this morning. Moira: I was hungry! But I could still eat. (Stapler clicks) David: Hi, um... question. If one were to theoretically look for a job here in Schitt's Creek, where would you... suggest that that person go to look? Is there, like, a bulletin board or a pamphlet, or something with information on it? Stevie: No, no bulletin board... What kind of job are you looking for? David: Um, something in like, art curating, or trend forecasting. Stevie: Oh, okay... um, hmmm, let's see. Not seeing anything in art curating, or trend forecasting, that's weird. David: Okay. Um, do you have any other skills or areas of expertise? I've been told I have really good taste. Oh, well, that's good. Um, let's see... Oh! Bag boy at the grocery store. I don't know what that is. You put groceries in bags, so that people can carry their groceries out of the grocery store. Okay, and how much do you think that would pay? Mmm, I'm gonna say minimum wage. Johnny: Which is what, forty, forty-five something an hour? Mmm-hmm, exactly. David: Okay. Okay! Um, well, something to think about. For sure, thank you. Stevie: You're welcome. Moira: I would like two apple fritters, sliver of pecan pie, large fries with gravy and bacon! Alexis: Okay, so, she will have scrambled egg whites and some steamed spinach, please, thank you. Moira: And some pecan pie! Onion rings, and ice cream! Actually, none of that, and I will have a tea, thank you. Okay. Um, Mrs. Rose, are you okay? You seem a bit... Alexis: Mm-hmm, she's fine. Moira: I'm fine. (Bell on door jingles) Alexis: Um... Hey! Stay here, okay? Don't move! Oh wow, I'm really bored. Hey! Hey! Hey you! Hey! Hey, so I just wanted to be clear about what happened the other night. The reason that I let you kiss me. Um, you kissed me. Yeah, no, I can see how that would be confusing, but I just wanted to let you know that that was just me going through some stuff. Cool. Um, hey! So, why do they give you table scraps? Are you, like, a poor person, or? Uh, no, but thanks for asking. No, I use it to compost. You know, that way nothing gets thrown out. Composting? Yeah, no, I... I know composting. Um, Gwyneth Paltrow does a compost gift exchange. I'm gonna go. Alexis: Okay, great, I'm glad that we could clear this up. [SCENE_BREAK] Bob: Speak of the devil. Good morning. Ray! Hi. Ray: Hi. Johnny: I... I just stopped by to make an appointment to see the town council. Bob: You're looking at us. I'm Bob, that's Ronnie, you know Ray. Johnny: Yes, yes, Ray. Spent a wonderful morning with Ray. Well, I can see you've got a million things on your plate, so I'll get to the point, it's about the town sign. I told you he wouldn't let this go! (Ray and Bob chuckle) The sign tells people what to expect when they're in town. Do you have a problem with that message? A major problem, Bob. Yeah, you see, it's the first thing you see when you drive in, and as the owner of the town, I'd like to convey a better, cleaner image. There's a lot of history in that sign, Johnny. Schitt history. Ronnie: That's all we need, some outsider coming in here and changing everything. If it ain't broke, don't fix it! (Fork clinks) Hello, Moira! Moira: (Gasps) Hi! How are you? I'm eating egg whites, and hoping the building will collapse. Anyways, I have a giant favour. My class is putting on a play for the younger grades, and I just... thought that you'd be perfect, you know, to help coach the kids. Because they'd be thrilled to have someone like you, an actual star... teach them? That must have taken such courage to ask me that. But in show business boldness is rewarded, so my answer is yes. Yes, yes! That is such good news! (Bleep), I know! So, how'd it go? I met with a woman at a very sad grocery store, and I have a quote unquote interview to be a bag boy. Johnny: Hey, that's great! David: That's all that I'm apparently qualified to be. When's the interview? This afternoon. Well, the interview's where you make your first good impression, so, it's gotta count. I'm interviewing to be a bag boy, not a personal injury lawyer. David, I've had enough people hire enough people in my day to know exactly what they're looking for in an interview, so, let's go! Let's get up. (Claps) For what? [SCENE_BREAK] (Knocking) Come in! Ah, David Rose. You're applying for the bag boy position. David: Yeah. Johnny: Tell me David, why do you want this job? I don't want this job. Well, thank you very much, and don't expect a phone call! David: Okay. Johnny: All right, do it right! Or let's not do it. Now, we're gonna start again. David: Okay. Johnny: Tell me, David, why do you want this job? I ran out of eye cream. Okay, you're not gonna get this job. You're not gonna get this job! You know why? Your attitude sucks! David: Okay... Johnny: And look at how you're dressed! Johnny: What is this?! Colostomy bag pants! I'm the manager of a family run grocery store. I'm not gonna hire you! You're not gonna get the job, you're the last person... David: Okay! Johnny: Where's your mother? Alexis: Whew! Where's your mother? Alexis: What? Aaaaaah! Alexis: Aaah? What?! Johnny: Where's your mother?! Alexis: She's with Jocelyn. - Johnny: With Jocelyn? Alexis: She's fine! And I'm fine too, if anybody cares. I told you to watch her! Alexis: I did watch her! I watched her talk to Jocelyn. (Sighs deeply) Moira: Okay, how many of you beautiful young things have a background in the theater? Raise your swords! I see, a class grounded in realism, nice work. Because that is where we find our deepest well. May I be up front? Jocelyn: Yes. We're not here to play, or to have fun! You will work until it hurts! (Horn honks) Hey, come here a second! Hey, just the man I wanna see! So word on the street is that you're all freaked out about the town sign, is that right? No, no, I'm not freaked out about the town sign, I just... And that you have some sort of problem with my family, Roland: ... Or something, is that it?! Johnny: No, no, no, this is not about your family. Roland: Oh, it's not? Johnny: It's not about your family. Roland: Oh, really? Okay, interesting. Johnny: No, no, no. In the car, come on! In, let's go! Come on, Kaylee, try this. It's cool. Tiffany: I can be cool without drugs, Mark! Moira: Okay, stop! No one speak. Not a word! (Wordless grunting) It's not your fault, the script is garbage! Okay, which one of you wrote this? Jocelyn: I did. Jocelyn, have you ever been addicted to drugs? No! Then write what you know, okay? The quiet suffering of a woman trapped in a relationship with a simpleton. That's not what I know Moira, and drug awareness is part of the curriculum, so. I'm gonna work with these two. What is it that you want? To go home. Is that where you keep the stash? You want the marijuana? Yes? Moira: No, you want to be seen, and heard, and loved! Now, what is it you need? It's different, be careful, what is it you need? (Shouting) What is it you need? (Birds chirp) [SCENE_BREAK] Okay. Ahem! (Knocking) (Door creaks) Hey! Um, were you working out or something? Or... Ah, sort of. Okay, well, I'm sorry for interrupting. Um, I just I happened to be in the area, so... Twyla: Mutt? Mutt: Um... just... Alexis! Twyla! (Laughs falsely) I didn't know you two were uh... Did you wanna come in? I was just about to make some tea. Alexis: Mmm, no, I'm good. Uh, I should be getting back to my mom, who's not well, yeah, so, I'm gonna go. Mutt: Okay. Twyla: Oh. You guys have fun! Thanks! (Alexis laughs hollowly) Alexis: Bye! Blaaaaah! Roland: That is my great grandfather up there, Horace Schitt. He was a visionary, Johnny! He discovered this land, he developed it, and he turned it into the little slice of heaven that it is. And I'm proud of him! You understand that? Roland, you've got this all wrong. Why do you hate me? I don't hate you! I don't hate you! Well then, why do you have a problem with a sign that celebrates my family? It's not, it's just the way they're celebrating, that's all! Roland: Okay, so now you hate my family. Johnny: I don't hate your family! Roland: Well then, what is your big fat problem with the sign?! Johnny: It looks like your great grandfather's (Bleep) your great grandmother right up the ass! Oh my go... that is so demented! You can't tell me you don't see that! Well, you know, now that you put that creepy thought in my head, sure, I... I see it, but you got it all wrong, pal! Let me enlighten you, Mr. Johnny Rose! That isn't even Horace's wife! That's his sister. Well, how does that make it any better? Ohhh! Well, I don't know how they do things where you come from, but around these parts, we don't do that sort of thing with our sisters! Roland, how is anybody driving past this sign supposed to know the woman getting banged from behind is that man's sister?! Roland: Oh my. Johnny: Oh my! Yes, oh my! All right, Johnny, well I never really looked at it that way, but now I get it, okay, well, all right, I'll do something about it, I'll fix it, all right? And thank you, thank you for bringing that up to me. Johnny: Good. Good! Jocelyn, we're going off book! Jocelyn: Well, actually, we're running out of time. Forget the lines, forget the lines! Let's just be in character, shall we? Oh, could you be stiffer?! Just watch, please. Ahem! Start wherever. Um... Do you wanna smoke a joint? Oh Mark, you are better than this. You can't let others define you. Look at me! Never let the bastards get you down! (Whispering) Can't say b*st*rd! Okay. You must prepare for life, and whatever it will throw at you. The opportunities will diminish, and the ass will get bigger, oh, you can bet your bottom dollar it will! Especially yours. You're going to have a huge ass. And you, future baldy. Sorry, hairless, homeless! So what? Who cares? When they get mean, you tell them to go to hell! Because only you know who you are! And those cruel Internet people cannot take that away from you! You will forge on! And you will find some glimmer of something to hold on to. And only then will you find your way back. Only then will you become once again who you are! Lady standing! (Sobs) (Groans) Good, you're gettin' the hang of it. David: Well, putting groceries in a bag is not as complicated as one might think. Store manager: Watch the eggs. What did I say? David: You said put them in a separate bag. Store manager: Good. Quick learner. Woman on P.A.: David Rose, line one. David: Sorry, I just gotta... just one... thank you. Hello? Hey, how's it going? Yeah, I can't talk right now, so. Johnny: Ah, they're working you hard, huh? Yeah, I can't talk, so I'm gonna hang up, bye. Sorry, sorry about that. Someone's on a health kick, huh? Woman on P.A.: David Rose, line one. I'm just gonna... scoot past. Yeah? Johnny: You hung up. Sorry. Okay. Where were we? Woman on P.A.: (Annoyed) David Rose, line one! Right. Take that off. Hand that to you. Now I'm gonna... I'm gonna go. This is worse. This is much worse! David: You did this? Johnny: No, I didn't do this, I tried to fix this! Well, it... it is what it is. Okay, it looks like... I know what it looks like, Alexis! I know!
Don't Worry, It's His Sister