Jenny Schecter ( Mia Kirshner ) is a young writer who graduates from college in Iowa and moves in with her boyfriend, Tim Haspel ( Eric Mabius ), a university women's swim team coach, in Los Angeles. Her new neighbors, Bette Porter ( Jennifer Beals ) and Tina Kennard ( Laurel Holloman ), a couple for seven years now, have a hard time finding a male willing to donate his sperm to fulfill their wish for a child. Tina introduces Jenny to her circle of friends: Dana Fairbanks ( Erin Daniels ), a prim, proper and closeted tennis player, the witty and ambitious bisexual journalist Alice Pieszecki ( Leisha Hailey ) and the androgynous, sexually aggressive hairstylist Shane McCutcheon ( Katherine Moennig ). Jenny also meets Marina Ferrer ( Karina Lombard ), European owner of The Planet coffeehouse, who is immediately drawn to Jenny and eventually kisses her in the toilet. Bette and Tina have their own problems and discuss using an African American as a donor for their child, which Tina will carry. Bette also deals with her alcoholic older half-sister Kit ( Pam Grier ), who has problems with her singing career, the only straight female character of the main cast. Jenny soon betrays Tim by sleeping with Marina. The next morning, Jenny finds a ring from Tim on her breakfast table.
[music - "The Pleasure Song" by Marianne Faithfull] [scenes of L.A. - the downtown skyline in the day, the famous "Hollywood" sign, traffic on the freeways, the cars whizzing past, long streets lined with tall palm trees] [scenes of L.A. - at night, the skyline lit up, headlights and brake lights going by double time, the freeways lit up by headlights, the sunrise across the city skyline] [still more scenes of L.A. - driving down a busy boulevard, looking at the hills, buildings, expensive cars on the streets] [yet more L.A. scenes, this time the front porches of the 'burbs and bungalows] [title card: the L word] INT. - TIM'S GARAGE - DAY [Tim is moving furniture around, clearing out space, placing a large desk in the garage] INT. - BETTE & TINA'S HOUSE - DAY [Bette and Tina are in bed, sleeping.] INT. - TIM'S HOUSE - DAY [Tim walks to the closet and puts on a checked shirt. He smells it, closes the closet door, puts his shoes on and straightens up the bed.] INT. - BETTE & TINA'S HOUSE - DAY [Tina stands in the bathroom, looking at an ovulation test stick. She smiles and chuckles, and turns around.] [music stops] Tina: Bette, come here! Bette: (offscreen) What? [Tina looks at the test. Bette enters from the bedroom. Tina turns the stick so that Bette can see it. Bette looks at the stick.] Bette: You're ovulating. Tina: (smiling) I'm ovulating. Bette: (loving) Let's make a baby. [They kiss.] Tina: (between kisses) Let's make a baby. [Tina leans back against the sink as the kiss continues. Bette reaches down (offscreen); Tina moans.] Bette: Why don't you get dressed and I'll drop you off on my way to work. [Tina nods. The kiss ends and Bette goes back to the bedroom.] [music starts again - same song] [Tina turns around at the sink to get ready.] EXT. - TIM'S HOUSE - DAY [Tim locks the front door and walks to his car, an old Trans Am. He gets in, starts the motor, and slowly pulls away.] [Bette and Tina come out of their house, next door. They see Tim and wave as they get in to their own car.] Bette/Tina: Hey Tim. Tim: Bye. Bette/Tina: Good luck. Tim: Thanks. [music stops] INT. - THE PLANET (COFFEE HOUSE) - DAY [Marina carries a couple of cups and walks to the counter. Music plays in the background. People are sitting or standing around, enjoying themselves.] [Shane, Alice and Dana are at the counter.] Alice: Ugh! I am so ready. Marina: It's coming! [a woman behind the counter serves Alice and Shane some coffees and food] Alice: Thank you. [A group of girls stands at the other end of the counter. One of them, Lisa, spots Shane.] Lisa: Hi Shane! Marina: She doesn't talk to anyone before her morning shot. [Marina serves Shane an espresso. The girl looks crestfallen.] Marina: Here you go, Don Juan. Shane: Thank you. [Shane drinks the espresso.] Alice: (quietly, to Dana) She's a kid. A kid. Dana: Whatever. It's fine. Alice: I mean, don't freak out. Dana: (rolling eyes) Okay. [Dana and Alice leave the bar with their food and coffee to get a seat.] [Shane finishes her shot and leaves the bar, headed for the door.] Shane: Allright. Later guys. (waves) [Shane finally acknowledges the girl who tried to talk to her.] Shane: (smiling) Bye Lisa. Lisa: (smiling) See ya, Shane. [As Shane leaves, Tina and Bette come in.] Tina: Whoa, you're not leaving already? Shane: Yeah, I got a nine o'clock, guys. See ya. Bette/Tina: See ya. [Shane leaves The Planet. Tina takes a seat at a table with Alice and Dana.] Tina: Hi. [Marina brings Bette a brown bag and a to-go cup of coffee] Marina: (smiling) Hello. Bette/Tina: (to Marina, Dana and Alice) Good morning, good morning. [Bette leans down and gives Tina a kiss on the lips. Dana observes, then looks at Alice.] Bette: (to Tina) I'll meet you at the doctor's. [Tina nods. Bette turns to go, but remembers something.] Bette: Hey, what time am I supposed to be at what's-his-name's? Tina: Eleven. Bette: Okay. (waves) Bye guys. Alice: (eating) Oh my god. Is it happening today? Dana: Is what today? Alice: The insemination. Dana: (smiles at Tina) Oh! Alice: So you're doing it at the doctor's office this time? Tina: But first, Dan Foxworthy. Alice: No way! Dana: Who? Why don't I know what you're talking about? Alice: 'Cause you don't read. Dana: Oh, and, what are you, the intellectual of life? Alice: Dan Foxworthy is like the super-exclusive shrink to the stars. He was on our list of L.A.'s best self-improvement gurus. (to Tina) How did you get that appointment? Tina: I just called and asked. (points, to Alice) Don't tell Bette I told you. Okay? Dana: But, what are you guys doing, I mean, you don't need a shrink. Tina: We're just checking in. We're about to do this incredibly major thing. Dana: But wait, you guys have the best relationship of anybody I know, gay or straight. Tina: (shrugs) I just want to make sure we're good. EXT. - AIRPORT TERMINAL - DAY [A pair of slender legs in jeans is seen. The camera pans up. It's Jenny. She carries a bag over her shoulder.] [Jenny walks slowly, turning around, nearly bumping into someone.] Jenny: Sorry. [Tim walks up behind Jenny. Jenny turns around and sees him.] Tim: Could I offer you a ride? [Jenny throws her arms around his neck and they kiss for a moment.] Tim: I missed you so much. Jenny: I ... missed you. Tim: (motioning to bag) Is that all you have? Jenny: That's all I have. Tim: Can't believe you're here! [They laugh. Tim picks up her bag.] Tim: (smiling) Come on! [They head towards his car, smiling.] INT. - DAN FOXWORTHY'S OFFICE - DAY [Tina sits on a couch. She sighs, looking somewhat uncomfortable. Dr. Dan Foxworthy sits across from her, in a chair. They're waiting on Bette.] Tina: (apologetically) She's always running late. She had a board meeting, then she had a meeting with an artist. Bette's the director of the California Arts Center. Dan: (nods) I see. Tina: And... she's probably going to be really stressed about time. After this, we have to go get sperm. We're trying to have a baby, and our friend Sean's donating. [The office door opens. Bette walks in, sunglasses on, purse on her shoulder, cell phone in her hand, earbud in her ear. She's on the phone with someone.] Bette: (chuckles) Sorry I'm late. [She closes the door and continues the conversation.] Bette: (phone) James? (takes off sunglasses) Yeah, I gotta go in a minute. [Dan watches Bette.] Bette: (phone) Nononono, the art work is way too delicate, it's being flown in from Paris, and Annie is already a total and complete nervous wreck. [Dan looks at Tina. Tina smiles at Dan, then looks at Bette with a smile, shaking her head a little] Bette: (phone) Just call Adam's Fine Art Movers. (sighs exasperated) Tell them if they want to do business with C.A.C. again... exactly. Okay, great. Thanks. Bye. [Bette ends the call and closes the phone. She looks at Tina and smiles, pulling the earbud out of her ear. She goes to sit next to her.] [Dan smiles and stands out of courtesy.] Bette: (sitting) O-kay! Here I am! [Bette quickly pats Tina's knee. Dan smiles and relaxes into his chair as Bette fumbles around with her keys, sunglasses and phone.] Dan: So. INT. - TIM'S CAR - A BOULEVARD - DAY [Tim is driving Jenny back to his home. He's pointing out the sights as they go. Scenes show the hills, the cars on the streets, the shopping centers, billboards, traffic lights.] Tim: We are heading north right now, towards the Hollywood Hills. A little further to the right is the Hollywood sign. And uh, if you keep going all the way in that direction (points), you hit the Pacific Ocean. Jenny: Oh, can we go? Tim: Yeah, whenever you want. (a beat) As often as you want. [Tim pulls up to a stoplight. He and Jenny share a kiss. The light changes. Cars honk at Tim to go. Finally, he does.] INT. - DAN FOXWORTHY'S OFFICE - DAY [Dan is talking to Bette and Tina.] Dan: Do you want to tell me what the thinking is behind trying to have a child together when your sexual relationship has been pretty shitty for going on three years? Tina: It's not shitty. It may not be perfect, but - Bette: There's a lot more to a relationship than s*x. Tina: We've been together for seven years. Dan: I know plenty of couples who still have s*x after seven years. Bette: Well, it's not like we never have s*x. Tina: A lot of heterosexual couples... [Bette's phone begins to buzz in her purse. Bette grabs it.] Tina: ... have children when their relationships aren't perfect. Bette: (looking at phone) You know, you just obviously don't understand what happens in a lesbian relationship. [The phone stops buzzing. Bette puts it back in her purse.] Bette: (to Tina) I knew this was a bad idea. (to Dan) It's just, I - I don't believe that a straight, male therapist can possibly understand. Dan: Early s*x is passionate. It's illicit, exciting, still has that - ("gasps") - factor, but... very quickly, a kind of symbiosis develops. [Tina shifts on the couch, trying to listen; Bette's body language says she thinks he's full of sh1t.] Dan: It especially happens between two women who are doing the work of making a serious commitment to one another. And when that merging occurs, the intense mutual dependency can be a deterrent to sexual intimacy. Tina: (smiling, nodding) Oh my god. The lesbian urge to merge. Dan: We have to stop now. Bette: (relieved) Oh! [Bette gets her purse and things. Dan gets up to go to his desk.] Dan: Do you want to schedule another session? [Tina opens her mouth.] Bette: Uh, we'll let you know, I think Tina and I need to talk. Dan: What about this insemination? Tina: Uh, that's not up for discussion. Dan: Not up for discussion? Tina: (defensive) No. It's not. I quit my job. [Dan comes back to his chair.] Tina: I was a pretty successful development executive. Now I want to relax and prepare my body for pregnancy. That's what I'm doing. I'm ready to start a family. (looks at Bette) We're both ready to start a family. Right? Bette: (looks back at Tina) Absolutely. Tina: Right. (chuckles) [Dan nods.] Bette: Okay. Great. [Bette gets her things and pats Tina on the knee again before getting up for the door. Tina follows.] INT. - TIM'S CAR - A BOULEVARD - DAY [Tim and Jenny are driving to Tim's house. They turn by a sign that says "The Crescent at West Hollywood" and make their way up a pleasant, tree-lined suburban street, where people are out enjoying the day, walking their dogs, waving to each other, children are playing, elderly couples are holding hands.] Tim: So this is it. Jenny: I can't believe this is our home, Tim! It's very traditional. Tim: Wait'll you get to know it. Jenny: What do you mean? EXT. - TIM'S (and now JENNY'S) HOUSE - DAY [Tim is helping Jenny with her bags out of the trunk. They walk to the front door of their house.] Tim: It's just uh... not as traditional as you might think. INT. - TIM & JENNY'S HOUSE - DAY Tim: So, here's your new home. Jenny: I can't believe I'm finally here. This has been the longest six months in history, Tim. Tim: Yeah but your studio's finally ready. [Tim opens the back door and they go out to the backyard.] EXT. - TIM & JENNY'S BACKYARD - DAY [An old garage sits in the backyard.] Jenny: (gasps) (a beat) Okay, so this used to be a garage! Tim: Til a few days ago. I did a remodel on it for you. [Jenny looks at Tim.] Tim: Go on. Try it out, go on! [Tim watches Jenny anxiously as she runs into the garage.] Jenny: (in garage) Oh my god! [Tim laughs.] Jenny: (in garage) I love it! Tim: I have to go, allright? I'll be back soon. INT. - SEAN'S WORKSHOP - DAY [Sean, Bette and Tina's friend who is going to donate sperm to them, guides them up the stairs to his loft workshop where he does all his paintings. There are bold, modern art paintings everywhere.] Sean: What a f*ckin' auspicious occasion! Bette: I'd love to break open a bottle of champagne but I've gotta get back to work sometime today. [The three stand in the center of the room, smiling. Bette hands Sean a plastic specimen cup. Sean and Bette chuckle; Sean kisses Bette and Tina on the cheeks happily.] Tina: (chuckles) Sorry it's not more enticing. Sean: Hey, don't worry, I do this all the time. [Sean heads to the back with the cup. Bette and Tina wander around, looking at his work.] Bette: (whispering) I love his new work! He's using paint so much more freely. Tina: (whispering) Yeah, I don't remember his work having this much texture. [Sean begins to moan and grunt heavily. Bette and Tina look at each other humorously, making faces at the noises.] INT. BETTE'S CAR. - A BOULEVARD - DAY [Bette is on the phone again. She has the earbud in her ear, a drink in one hand and the steering wheel in the other. Tina sits in the passenger seat quietly sipping on her own drink.] Bette: (phone) I don't want you to be stressed out, Annie. I - I know this is your first time curating for me, and I'm going to give you a lot of support. (a beat) [Bette glances at Tina.] Bette: (phone) Hey, listen, this'll lighten your load. Guess what Tina has between her legs? [Tina smiles just a little.] Bette: (phone) (laughs) Close. A jar of Sean Heaney's sperm. I kid you not. She's keeping it warm. Well, supposedly once it's been ejaculated, it survives longer if you keep it at body temperature. Huh? Oh. Hold on a second. [Bette grabs the specimen cup from between Tina's legs and holds it up so she can see it.] Bette: (phone) Uh, it's only about half an inch but they say it's quality, not quantity. [Tina grabs for the specimen cup but Bette holds it from her playfully before finally yielding it.] Bette: (phone) God, it's repugnant, I can't believe I used to swallow that stuff. INT. - THE GARAGE - DAY [Jenny is walking around, getting her writing stuff set up. She plugs in her laptop at the desk.] [Somewhere nearby, a door is heard.] Shane: (offscreen) Yeah, Tina said I could swim here whenever. [Jenny looks up, and walks outside to see who it is.] EXT. - TIM AND JENNY'S BACKYARD - DAY [Jenny walks to the fence. Shane and a blonde girl are in Bette and Tina's backyard, preparing to get in their pool. Shane takes off her shirt. Jenny looks away, then kneels and peeks through the fence.] Shane: (to blonde girl) They're uptight at the Chateau. Blonde girl: How are they uptight? Shane: They don't let you swim naked. Blonde girl: It is a public pool. [Shane takes off the rest of her clothes and dives into the pool. The blonde girl strips down and walks into the pool. She and Shane swim to each other in the middle and begin kissing.] [Jenny is still watching through the fence. Shane and the girl swim to the edge, kissing. Shane faces the girl away from her and the girl begins to arch her back and moan. Jenny watches, but looks away after a moment.] INT. - DOCTOR WILSON'S OFFICE - EXAM ROOM - DAY [Tina is lying on an examination table with her feet in stirrups. Bette stands next to her.] [The doctor stands up from her chair, specimen cup in hand.] Doctor Wilson: Allright, I'm going to take a look at this and while I'm gone... well, you remember how I told you that there's a fair amount of evidence now it's more likely to take if you're aroused. [Bette looks a tiny bit put off at the suggestion. The doctor turns the light off and winks at Bette then leaves the room. Bette turns toward Tina.] Bette: (laughs) She's not serious! Am I supposed to f*ck you, right here? Tina: I think it would help. [Bette smiles and sighs, then walks around to the end of the table and sits between Tina's legs. Still smiling, she sighs again as she lifts the paper drape covering Tina and ducks underneath. Tina closes her eyes, then puts her hand on Bette's head, through the paper. The paper crinkles as Bette moves. Tina sighs, relaxing.] [Bette laughs and comes up from under the paper.] Bette: (laughing) This is just... this is, this is too weird for me, I mean, I - I - I just - y'know, I really - frankly, I find it incredibly inappropriate that she even suggested that, you know, I bet she would never do that with a straight couple! [Tina gives her a look. She nods at her to get back to work. Bette purses her lips and ducks back under the paper.] [After a moment, someone knocks at the door. Bette comes up from under the paper, wiping her mouth. Tina sighs again.] Bette: Come in! [Dr. Wilson opens the door.] Doctor Wilson: (to Bette) Could you come here a minute, please? [Bette sighs and looks at Tina. Tina rolls her eyes a little. Bette stands, kisses Tina on the knee and walks out of the room. Tina throws her hands up.] INT. - DOCTOR WILSON'S OFFICE - LAB - DAY [Bette follows Dr. Wilson into the lab. Dr. Wilson points out a computer monitor.] Doctor Wilson: You might want to take a look at this. [Bette leans down to look at the monitor, upon which is shown Sean's sperm sample under a microscope. Only a few of the sperm are barely moving.] Bette: Shouldn't they be moving more? Doctor Wilson: Yeah. That's what I wanted to show you. I am so sorry to tell you, but that stuff wouldn't get anyone pregnant. Those little fellas just don't have what it takes. [Bette stands up, looking unhappy.] INT. - LAURELWOOD FARMS MARKET - DAY [Neighborhood grocery store. Jenny carries a basket of groceries to a check-out. The cashier wears a button that says "Positions Available - Ask Me!"] Jenny: Hello. Cashier: Hi. Jenny: What kind of, um, positions do you have available because I might be looking for a job. Cashier: Oh, um, cashier. Jenny: Really? Cashier: Yep. Jenny: Excellent. Um, could I have an application? Cashier: Yeah. Jenny: Great. INT. - THE PLANET - DAY [Tina walks in and heads for the table where Alice and Dana sit. Alice jumps up to greet Tina.] Alice: (offscreen, whispering) There she is, there she is. (onscreen, to Tina) Ah, your ladyship! Please! Don't jar anything. Dana: It's not like it's gonna dislodge if she sits down too hard, Alice. Tina: (sitting) There's nothing to dislodge. Sean's sperm is lackluster. [Alice gasps.] Tina:: He's low-motility. No motility, actually. Alice: Oh, my god. You would never know it by the way he f*cks. Dana: Oh, Christ, Alice! When are you gonna make up your mind between dick and pussy, and spare us the gory bisexual details, please. Alice: Well, for your information, Dana, I am looking for the same qualities in a man as I am in a woman. Dana: (to Tina, gesturing) Big tits. Tina: Anyway, it explains why I haven't gotten pregnant after six months. Alice: Oh, sorry Tee, he was the perfect donor. Tina: He was the one who Bette wanted. But my egg just implanted, so I could still conceive any time over the next two or three days. So you gotta help me find another donor. [Marina walks to the table and sits.] Marina: Hold on, now, what's the matter? [Alice and Dana sigh.] Dana: Sean's jism is no good. [Marina pats Tina's arm.] Marina: Oh, well, find you someone else! Tina: Who? I've got two days. Marina: Well, between the four of us, we'll come up with someone. What, he has to be healthy, strong, creative, handsome... Tina: Artistic. [Shane enters the cafe.] Dana: There's always Shane. [Shane makes her way over to their table and takes off her sunglasses. She's dressed in a shirt with cutoff sleeves and her hair is messy.] Shane: Guys! Alice: Hey! Dana: Y'know, do you have to dress like that all the time? [Shane looks down at her own clothing.] Shane: Like what? Dana: Well, I wouldn't be seen on the street with you. Shane: Yeah? Dana: I mean, every single thing about the way you're dressed, like, screams dyke. [Alice looks at Dana pointedly.] Alice: God, Dana. Shane: Sorry, man. Dana: What, look, if I'm outed, I'm screwed, Alice, allright? Sponsors aren't exactly clamoring to have their stuff repped by big ol' lezzie tennis players.... [Alice rolls her eyes and looks up.] Dana: ... What? Shane: No, no, no, look, it's cool, I totally dig you need to make a living. (picks up her drink) I'm meeting a client anyway. [Shane walks off. Alice looks at Dana.] Alice: Y'know, you are gonna pickle in that self-loathing homophobia, I swear. Dana: Well you know you're gonna shrivel in that self-righteous priggishness. Tina: You guys. Alice: Allright. (to Tina) Who would squirt into a jar for you? [Someone outside catches Dana's eye. She raises a brow.] Dana: (mock British accent) Hello. [It's Jenny, going home from the grocery store. Everyone turns to look.] Dana: What! Alice: You are just so gay. Tina: (rolling eyes) So gay. [Dana slumps a little, tossing up a hand.] Dana: I know. (a beat) I know. INT. - TIM & JENNY'S LIVINGROOM - NIGHT [Jenny and Tim are on the couch facing each other, being intimate, kissing, touching each other. Jenny sits on Tim's lap.] Jenny: (seductive) Do you, uh, do you know the neighbors next door? [They kiss.] Tim: Bette and Tina? Jenny: Yeah. Are they, um, a gay couple? Tim: Yeah, they are. Jenny: 'Cause I saw them having s*x in their pool this afternoon. Tim: No way, not Bette and Tina. Jenny: What, they don't have s*x? Tim: No, probably they do, it's just that ... you sure you saw them gettin' down? [Jenny takes his shirt off.] Jenny: I saw them getting way down, Tim. Tim: Is that right. Jenny: Mm-hmm. Tim: Why don't you tell me about it. Jenny: Okay. [They kiss.] Jenny: There was this girl... with short black hair. [Jenny pulls off his undershirt.] Jenny: And she walks out, and she takes off her clothes in, like, two seconds flat. Tim: Yeah? Jenny: Yeah. [Tim pulls Jenny's shirt off.] Tim: Like this? Jenny: I think it was a little bit faster. Tim: Oh, really. Jenny: Yeah, I do. Tim: We'll work on that. Jenny: Okay. And then there was, um, this blonde girl... who had these really beautiful breasts. Tim: (smiling) Oh, really. Jenny: I wasn't really watching that closely. Tim: Oh, I think you were watching. (a beat) (whispering) Very closely. What'd they do next? [Tim slips his hands under Jenny's bra.] Jenny: (whispering) The tough, skinny one takes the blonde, vampy one... [Tim kisses Jenny's breast.] Jenny: ... backs her against the side of the pool... and then she begins to f*ck her. [Tim turns them over so that Jenny is sitting on the couch and he's kneeling between her legs. He pulls off both their pants.] Tim: Like this? [They start having s*x.] Jenny: Ah, f*ck. [music] EXT. - SWIMMING POOL - DAY [A line of female swimmers dives into the pool. Their coach, Tim, stands off to the side with a clipboard in hand. He blows his whistle.] EXT. - SWIMMING POOL - NEAR LOCKER ROOMS - DAY [A swimmer, Trish, is wrapping herself in a towel. Tim and his assistant coach, Randy, stand nearby.] Randy: Trish! Trish: Hey. Randy: Your backstroke is looking much better. Trish: Thanks! Randy: Looking good for U.S.C. (to Tim) Uh, you guys got some extra stroke time scheduled? Tim: Uh, yeah, (to Trish) tomorrow after physics, right? Trish: Yeah. (to Tim) Hey, do you think that maybe you could come with me in the morning to talk to Durst about repeating my midterm? Tim: I can't really do it in the morning. Um, my girlfriend Jenny is in town. She wants me to take her car shopping. [Trish walks with Tim toward the building.] Trish: Oh, she's moving here? Tim: Yep, she's in it for the long haul. (smiles) Trish: Oh. [Trish walks on without Tim.] Tim: Trish! [Trish turns around] Tim: Maybe after practice you and I can go talk to Durst together. Trish: (tosses up a hand) Okay. [Trish walks off. Tim turns around. Randy laughs at him and puts a hand on his shoulder.] Randy: Yeah. Now you know you just broke that girl's heart, right? Tim: Sorry, man, what was I supposed to do? Randy: Ohh... INT. - THE PLANET - DAY [Bette and Tina walk in. Bette runs over to Dana, who's sitting at a table with Alice and Shane.] Bette: (to Dana) God, is that Dana Fairbanks at The Planet in West Hollywood? [Dana feigns mock surprise and smiles.] Alice: Shh! She doesn't want her tennis fans to know she's a gay lady! [Everyone laughs but Dana. Bette and Tina seat themselves at the table.] Dana: (serious) Funny. (to Bette and Tina) Okay, fine. What do you guys think about butt waxing? Tina: Who has hair on their butt? Bette: I don't know. [Everyone's very quiet. Suddenly, Dana gasps and points at Alice.] Dana: Alice! Alice: At least I don't anymore. Shane: Man, why don't you just trim it? Bette: Listen you guys (standing to leave), you're going to have to figure this all out without the benefit of my wisdom. Alice: Oh! Bette, Tina, guess what! I had a genius idea. I have solved your donor problem! You two are having a party this Saturday night, and we are inviting all of the eligible men that we know. Dana: Oh yeah, that's right, all two of them. Shane: Oh, yeah. Get them all together, at one time. Alice: Right! You just go fishin' in the pond! Bette: (amused) Great. [Tina looks up at Bette.] Tina: Great! Bette: I'm leaving now. (waves) Alice: Allright. I'm gonna call ya about that! Bette: Okay. [Bette leaves.] Dana: Back to my question, please. Alice: Okay. Trimming is essential. Y'know? You just do it a few days before you get laid. Assuming you ever do. [Dana promptly turns to Alice and gives her "the finger".] Tina: Whatever you do, you have to deal with it. Otherwise, you'll never have bush confidence. [Shane winks at Dana. Dana knits her brow at her.] Tina: If you don't have bush confidence, you won't feel good about your bush. And you'll never get laid. Alice: So deal with it. Dana: (reluctant) Okay. INT. - THE GARAGE - DAY [Jenny is pacing, notebook in hand. She stops and goes outside, to the fence that overlooks Bette and Tina's pool.] EXT. TIM & JENNY'S BACKYARD - DAY [Jenny stands at the fence. Tina, tending her garden, pops up on the other side.] Tina: Do you need any rosemary? [Tina is gardening by the fence.] Tina: It's kinda taking over my garden. [Jenny is a little bit startled.] Jenny: (smiling) Oh, hi. Tina: Did I scare you? I'm sorry. Jenny: No, no, no, not at all. I'm Jenny. Tina: I'm Tina. [They shake hands over the fence.] Jenny: It's nice to meet you. Um, I would love some rosemary. [Tina motions for her to come around.] EXT. - BETTE & TINA'S BACKYARD - DAY [Tina and Jenny are sitting in the yard, talking.] Jenny: I have this story that I've written called, um, "Thus Spoke Sarah Schuster." I feel like that's, like, the last story that I ever want to write about being a student. Tina: Oh, you might change your mind when you get older. I'm actually thinking about going back to school. I'd like a new career. Jenny: You should do it. Tina: Yeah? Jenny: Yeah. Tina: Maybe in a couple of years. But right now I'm, uh, trying to have a baby. Jenny: Ah! Really? But Tim said that you and... Bette? Tina: Yeah. Jenny: Were a couple. Tina: We are. Jenny: Oh... Tina: And we're trying to get pregnant. Jenny: (embarrassed) Oh, my god, yes, no, yes. (stands) Tina: (smiling) Well, everything still works. Jenny: Yes! Tina: We can still have a baby. Jenny: It's just like... (embarrassed) there was like a momentary brain lapse. (giggles) [Tina waves to someone nearby. A group of men, with babies in baby carriers strapped to their chests and backs, go walking past on the sidewalk. They wave at Tina.] Tina: (to guys) Hey guys! Guys: Hey! Tina: (to Jenny) Gay dad's group. Jenny: (excited) Oh, my god... Tina: They meet once a week at a house over on Ogden. It's all very L.A., huh? Jenny: (sincere) No, it's nice. (a beat) Um, I should go home and write. Tina: Okay. (chuckles) Jenny: (nods) Okay. Thank you very much for the rosemary. Tina: You're welcome. [Jenny starts to walk back] Tina: We're having a party tomorrow night. Jenny: Oh yeah? Tina: You and Tim should come. Jenny: Okay. I'll ask Tim if he wants to. Nice meeting you. Tina: It's nice to meet you, too, Jenny. Jenny: Bye. [Jenny leaves. Tina stands.] [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. - A BUSY BOULEVARD - NIGHT [A cop pulls over an older car. It's Kit, Bette's older half-sister.] [Kit sighs and takes off her sunglasses and rolls down the window. The policeman approaches and shines a flashlight in her face.] Kit: (smiling) Hey! What do you have to say for yourself, huh? Cop: May I see your license and registration? Kit: Look, I really gotta be - Cop: Ma'am. Kit: Okay. A'ight. Hang on, hang on. [Kit reaches over to the glovebox and pulls out the info for the cop.] Kit: Y'know, I was on my way to my first paying gig in over a year. [She hands him her license and registration. He looks it over and heads back to his cruiser.] INT. - BETTE AND TINA'S HOUSE - NIGHT [There's a party going on. Lots of people are there, mostly women. Music plays in the background.] [A couple of women are conversing in the corner.] Woman #1: You are so overreacting, she is our friend. Woman #2: Oh! Like that's ever stopped you before. [Bette and Alice pass by them.] Bette: Like that's ever stopped anyone before. Alice: Right. Lesbians think friendship's another word for foreplay. [Shane comes in the door. She and Tina hug.] Shane: Hello! How ya doing? Tina: Hey! Bette: (watching Shane and Tina) Have you ever noticed that every time Shane walks into a room, someone leaves crying? [A blonde girl, Lacey, taps Shane on the shoulder. Shane turns around.] Lacey: Shane? Shane: Yeah? Hey! Lacey: Hey, how come you didn't call me the other night? I left like... 5 messages. [Bette and Tina watch from the corner.] Shane: Oh, well I ... you know, I haven't had my cell phone, so... when I go get my cell phone and I check my messages, I will call you. (smiles) Allright. It was good to see you, though! Lacey: (walking off) Mm-hmm. Shane: Take care. [Shane watches as Lacey walks away.] [Lacey grabs the front door handle and yanks the door open to run out, nearly running into Tim and Jenny, who are coming in.] Lacey: That's just wrong, you just can't treat people like that! (to Jenny) You have to tell Shane that that's just not right. Jenny: (wary) Okay, I'll tell her... [Lacey brushes past them and leaves the party. Tim smiles. They go inside. Tina meets them.] Jenny: Hi. Tina: Hi, welcome. [Tina greets them with a kiss on the cheek] Tina: Everyone, I want you to meet our nextdoor neighbors. [Bette, Shane and Alice look up to see Jenny and Tim.] Bette: Oh, hi. Tina: This is Tim. Bette: Oh, and this must be - Tim: Jenny. Bette: Nice to meet you. Bette. [Bette and Jenny shake hands.] Jenny: Nice to meet you. Tina: And Alice Pieszecki, and Shane McCutcheon. [Alice and Jenny shake hands. Shane raises her brows at Jenny.] [Tim spots Dana standing a few feet away.] Tim: (to Dana) Excuse me. Are you... Dana Fairbanks? [Dana turns around, caught unaware.] Dana: I'm sorry, what? Tim: Dana Fairbanks. Dana: Yes! I am. [Tim and Dana shake hands. Tim gushes like a schoolboy.] Tim: I'm a huge fan. Dana: Really! Tim: I saw you almost beat Capriati last year at the Women's Invitational. Alice: (to Shane, re: Dana) Great, she's gonna be insufferable. Shane: (to Dana) Oh, god. It's just one fan, it's okay. Tim: Jenny, this is, um, Dana Fairbanks. [While Tim is introducing her, Dana snags a nearby guy and pulls him over to her side. Dana and Jenny shake hands.] Jenny: Hi. Tim: She's one of the best players in the women's tennis circuit right now. Dana: (chuckles) This is my doubles partner, Harrison Landy. (to Harrison) Um, honey... [Bette and Tina watch the exchange with amusement.] Dana: This is... Tim: Tim. [Tim and Harrison shake hands.] Dana: Tim and Jenny. Tim: Good to meet you. Harrison: Hi, Jenny. [Jenny and Harrison shake hands.] Jenny: Nice to meet you. [A couple of girls grab Shane's hand and look at it.] Shane: What the hell are you doing? Girl #1: Field research. Girl #2: Yeah, there's a scientist at the National Enquirer who says that if your ring finger is longer than your index finger, it means you're a lesbian. [Bette, Tina, and everybody else start looking at their own hands.] Girl #3: Yeah. (holding up hand) Totally gay. Girl #1: Has there ever been any doubt? Tina: Oh, my god, look, I'm gay too. Bette: (kissing Tina's hand) Thank god, because otherwise I'd have to leave you. [Dana looks unhappy.] Girl #2: Okay, Alice makes the team, but just barely. Tim: (clears throat) This may be controversial, but it... seems like I may be a lesbian, too. [Everyone laughs.] [Girl #3 grabs Jenny's hand.] Girl #3: Huh, that's so weird. Her index finger and ring finger are exactly the same length. Tina: What does that mean? Alice: Maybe she's bisexual. [Tim laughs.] Tina: Oh, look, there's Simon Bonham. Bette: Dana, Harrison, can you make Tim and Jenny a drink for me? [Shane catches the eye of a blonde girl across the room. They exchange a glance.] Dana: Yeah, sure. Sure, sure, sure, sure. (to Tim) Uh, drinks? Kitchen? Tim: Yeah. Great. Harrison: So, Tim, do you play tennis? 'Cause I'm always looking for a little action. Tim: Uh... Dana: Okay, drinks. Tim: Actually, uh, I'm a swim coach. Harrison: Oh. EXT. - A BUSY BOULEVARD - NIGHT [The cop brings Kit back her license.] Cop: According to our computer, ma'am, this license was revoked six months ago. Kit: Well, that's would I would call a technicality. Cop: If you want to get technical, I should haul you downtown and throw you in jail. Kit: I was on my way to a gig at the Roxy! Yeah, uh, you know Ivan Neville, he's on the bill with me, well he and I were gonna check out a AA meeting together. Cop: Ivan Neville of the... Neville Brothers? Kit: Yeah. Cop: God, I love the Neville Brothers! Kit: Uh, oh, well, have you ever seen them in concert? Cop: Once. Years ago. Back when I was stationed in New Orleans, I mean... Kit: Ohh, well have you ever been on stage, five feet away from Aaron and his brothers performing? Say, like, a... uh, a month from now at the House of Blues? You know, I could hook you up. Cop: Allright, look. (hands license back) This is still revoked. Allright? We have to leave the car. [Kit gets out of the car] INT. - BETTE AND TINA'S HOUSE - NIGHT [Back at the party. Shane and the girl she saw at the party are against the wall, heavily making out. Dana is making drinks. Harrison is sitting on a table next to her, sipping on a Cosmo. Tim and Jenny stand nearby. Jenny watches Shane and the girl kissing.] Jenny: (to Tim, re: Shane) Wow. This is very - a very interesting party. Dana: Oh, that's because Bette's a big art world lady. So there are a lot of artists. [Shane winks at Jenny.] Jenny: Yeah, there are a lot of, uh... Harrison: Lezzies? Dana: Really? (to Tim/Jenny) Are there really? You know, I hadn't noticed that. Tim: Yeah, it's kinda hard to miss. Jenny: (to Tim) Uh, Tina told me that she and Bette are thinking about having a baby. Tim: Mm-hmm. Harrison: Oh, there's a lot of that going around. (laughs) They even had to change that famous joke. It used to be: What do lesbians bring on a second date? [Dana starts mixing the drinks a little more fervently.] Harrison: A moving van. Now, it's: What do lesbians bring on a second date? A turkey baster. [Tim and Jenny are a little amused, but don't get it. Dana laughs out of nervousness. Harrison is laughing so hard he can't catch his breath.] Dana: (laughing) That's so funny. Honey, I don't even know why you'd know that joke. (to Tim/Jenny) Who's he been hanging out with, huh? [Dana smacks Harrison with a bar towel and he spills part of his drink on himself, still laughing.] Dana: (to Tim/Jenny) Excuse me. [Dana marches over to Bette and Tina, who are in the middle of a pitch to a potential sperm donor, Simon.] Dana: Excuse me (to Simon) I'm sorry. (to Tina) What were you thinking? Tina: Excuse me, Simon. (to Dana) What was I thinking, what? Dana: For inviting those geeky straight people (to Simon), I'm sorry, no offense. (to Tina) I mean, I've gotta hang on Harrison all night like some big, fat hetero. Bette: Excuse me, Dana? (takes Dana's hand) We really love you, but, it's not our cross to bear that you and Harrison have decided to masquerade as Ozzie and Harriet. (pats hand) K? [Dana rolls her eyes and storms off.] Bette: Sorry, Simon. So, what was I saying? Tina: Commitment. Bette: Oh, commitment. Uh, we wouldn't expect any kind of committment from you, financial or otherwise, I mean really you wouldn't even have to know the child if you... didn't... Tina: Oh, it'd be nice if you wanted to have, I mean, we'd like it if our donor had a relationship with our child. Bette: But you'd have to sign a donor contract, relinquishing all parental rights - Simon: Whoa, Bette. Tina. Slow down. I... don't want you to waste your breath. Bette: Why? Simon: I'm flattered. Totally flattered. But... I just couldn't handle it. I mean... what happens when this kid turns 17, his life's a complete mess, hates both of your guts and next thing I know he's camped out on my doorstep, asking me to save him from his miserable f*cking life. (laughs) I can't do that. [Bette and Tina smile and laugh at each other.] ELSEWHERE AT THE PARTY - [Alice and Jenny are on a couch, talking about writing. Alice seems very interested in Jenny.] Alice: Best first fiction? Jenny: Yes. Alice: Wow. Isn't that like a major prize? Jenny: Um, I guess so. Alice: So, um, what's, what's the, uh, story about? Jenny: I have this, uh, this character that I write about that's sort of like this alter ego but not really, um, and the story is called "Thus Spoke Sarah Schuster." [Marina comes around and sits on the arm of the couch] Marina: That's pretty bold. I hope you're good. [Jenny smiles at her.] Alice: Um, Jenny, this is Marina. She owns The Planet. It's a little cafe down on Santa Monica. Jenny: Yeah, I, I walked by the other day but it was too crowded so I didn't go in. Marina: It gets really crowded, thanks to Alice who wrote me up in her magazine. Alice: (laughing) (to Marina) Aw. Jenny: (to Alice) Are you a writer? Alice: Yeah, for L.A. Magazine? Yeah. More of a journalist. Little different from you. Jenny: (shy) I don't think it's different. Alice: (to Marina) Jenny just won this literary prize. It's really big, for... this story she was just talking about. [Marina raises a brow and nods at Jenny.] Alice: "Just Spoke" something? "Just"... Marina: Oh, "Thus Spoke Zarathustra". That's a Nietzsche reference. Jenny: (smiles) (nods) Yeah. Marina: Has your story been published? Jenny: Um - Alice: (to Jenny) Yes! It'll be in the next "Best American Short Stories," right? Which is, I don't know if I told you but I write a lot of "Best Of" pieces. Jenny: Oh, okay. Marina: That's where I discovered Amy Bloom, I read this beautiful story she wrote called, um... "Silver Water." Jenny: (smiling) "Come To Me." That's one of my favorite collections. I think that I've probably read everything that Amy Bloom has ever written. Alice: I'm about to start on this "Best Cosmetics Under $100." Jenny: Oh. Alice: I don't know. There's supposedly this guy in Calabasas that does these Botox injections for seventy five bucks a pop. Jenny: Isn't that illegal? [Marina puts her hand on Alice's shoulder and talks over her.] Marina: (to Jenny) Have you read anything by Anne Carson? Jenny: (blushing a little) "The Autobiography of Red." "Eros the Bittersweet." I think, um, those books practically changed my life. [Camera closeup of Jenny's lips] Jenny: What about you? Have you read them? Marina: (nods) Yes. Alice: Wow! (laughs) You guys should totally take the Cosmo romance compatibility quiz! Marina: (chuckling) Well, this would be my singular romantic compatibility question: What is your favorite - no, no no. Your most... influential, important, life-altering book, of all time. [Jenny and Marina stare at each other for a couple of moments, saying nothing.] Jenny: (a beat) (smiles) I don't know if I want to answer that. [Marina raises a brow.] Jenny: What's yours? Marina: I asked you first. Alice: I have an idea! (laughs) Jenny, you could whisper yours in this ear, and Marina you could whisper yours in this ear, and I'll tell ya if you're compatible. (chuckles) (mumbles) 'Cause I think I already know. [Marina leans forward and whispers into Alice's ear. Jenny leans forward and whispers into Alice's other ear. Alice then laughs.] Alice: Huh. Whatever. I'm just... gonna leave you two alone to get married! [Alice leaves, laughing.] Jenny: What did you say? Marina: What did you say? [Lots of closeups of both Marina's lips, Jenny's eyes... yep.] EXT. - BETTE & TINA'S BACKYARD - NIGHT [Bette and Tina are talking to another potential sperm donor, Robin.] Tina: Bette was set on an artist, but she says you have exquisite taste in the work that you show in your gallery. Bette: I do. Robin: Aw. You said that? [Bette nods, smiling.] Robin: Y'know, I gotta tell ya, I couldn't be more flattered. I know you two are gonna be wonderful mothers and I bet you'll have guys lining up around the block begging to jerk off for ya. [Bette sips her drink, chuckling.] Bette: Robin, are you setting us up for a turn down? Robin: Believe me, it's got nothing to do with you guys and I have no reservations about you two, it's my own genetic shortcomings which I wouldn't want to pass on to any child. I mean, look how bow-legged I am? It's a family trait. [Bette and Tina look down at his legs.] Tina: Oh, that's cute, we could live with that. Robin: I also carry the gene for buck teeth, my mother and my three sisters are all - Bette: (smiling) There are always braces. [Robin looks at them both.] Robin: We also have the propensity for shingles. Early onset manic depression. Bette: Both treatable. (smiles) Robin: Premature hair loss. Among the women, (gestures to his own bald head) as well as the men. It's... Tina: (gestures to her own hair) Oh, we could get one of those ... Bette: A weave. Robin: Also a hideous... tendency to drool? Tina: Okay. (smiles) Bette: We get the picture. Tina: We get it. Robin: (smiles) Okay. Tina: Yep. Bette: Thank you. Tina: Thanks, Robin. Robin: Sure. Sorry. Good luck. [Bette and Tina walk away.] EXT. - BETTE & TINA'S FRONT YARD - NIGHT [The cop is helping Kit out of his cruiser.] Cop: I'm really sorry you missed your gig. You know what to do about your car? Kit: Yeah. Yeah, don't go beating yourself up over it. [The cop gets Kit's things out of the backseat.] Kit: You are one decent human being, and that's rare in this soulless town. Keep it real! Cop: Allright. [Kit enters the house.] INT. - BETTE & TINA'S HOUSE - NIGHT [Kit enter
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