Phil Collins and Randy are busy with the final preparations before the opening of "The Dirty Burger", highlighted by a bicycle stunt in which Randy jumps over a giant cheeseburger. A dispute over money ends with Sam Losco kidnapping Phil. Jacob's hot-headed older brother Thomas arrives in Sunnyvale.
[music] Phil Collins: I've always wanted to run my own business and now the dream is real. Me and Randy are having the grand opening of the Dirty Burger today. Randy's a hustler baby! Whoo. Look at these dirty things here cooking up nice. Whoa baby! [laughter] Sarah: I'm really happy for Randy with this business venture. I think him and Phil doing something that they obviously are really passionate about is just fantastic. Randy: Philly! Need some help here bud. Phil: What was that old buddy? Randy: I need you to take over. I've got to start practicing for the big jump! Phil: Oh, don't worry Randy. You'll make her buddy. You might want to lighten up on the dope though a bit eh. Our asses are on the line here. Sarah: Well, everybody in the park's talking about Randy and his big plan to jump over the cheeseburger. You know, I think it's a great idea, although he's probably not going to make it. Of course he's not. But who cares. Lucy: You know, I really believe in Randy. He's confident, he's smart, he's sexy. He's kind of sweatier than usual, but that's okay. He's working so hard to make sure that things work out with this stunt for me, for Trin and for whoever this guy is going to be, you know. Randy: Dirty balls! Lucy: Oh my god, hon, are you okay? Randy: Yeah, I'm fine. Yup. Lucy: Here. Randy: Ah! Ah, rooster nuts. My back! I just gotta hit the ramp a bit quicker Luce. Lucy: Well, you know what they say. Practice makes perfect right? Here, let me. I'll help you with this. Randy: Yeah right. Thanks. Ah! Frozen mixed vegetable cocks! [music] Sarah: Poor Jacob got dysentery from eating salamanders in the woods. He's dehydrated and pretty sick. Ricky and Julian almost killed him. I've been taking care of him for a few days. Phil: Hey Sarah. How is he? Sarah: He's good. He's still sleeping. Phil: Okay. Tom Collins: Hey Jacob. Jacob. Wake up little buddy. We gotta get some food into you. Phil: It's time to kiss the burgers. Jacob: Sarah? Sarah, is that okay? Sarah: Yeah, just one small bite. Jacob: Okay. Tom: Right here Jacob, come on. Sit up. That's it. Phil: How are they? They're too spicy. They're too damned spicy. Tom: Dad, they're amazing! They're amazing! Phil: I put in too much spice. Tom: Shhhh! Phil: How is it son? Jacob: Better than the restaurant. Phil: Baaaaaaaaaaaam! Jacob: Baaaaaaaaaam! Phil: Come on son, let's hear a baaaaam! Tom: Not doing it Dad. Phil: Ah. I got my boys, I got my burgers. That's all I got. I need to hear a baaaaam! Jacob: Just do it, Thomas. Phil: Thomas. Jacob: Please. Tom: Bam! Phil: Like you mean it. Please. Tom: Dad, you know I don't like saying bam, you guys always. It's not my style. Phil: It doesn't matter. It's for Jacob. Tom: It bothers me. Phil: Just do it! Tom: Dad, you are f*cked! Sarah: How are you doing, sweetie? Good? Are you going to be okay by yourself if I go out with your Dad and your brother for a bit? Jacob: Yeah, yeah, fine. Has Julian been asking about me? Sarah: Do you want to take that? Tom: Jacob. This Julian stuff. It's weird. It has to stop okay. Phil: It's f*cked up. It's f*cked up. Lay off the Julian stuff. [knock] Barb Lahey: [reading] Barb, my burning desire for your love can't not be extinguished like fire. Meet me at the White Rose Inn on the Lake for all to get revealed. Your secret admirer. Hah! Mr. Lahey: You looking at Julian's bum, Barb? Barb: Don't be foolish, Jim. Lighten up, eh. Julian: Hey Shitty. Shitty Bill: Hi there. Bubbles: What do you think Julian? Julian: Bubbles, we can't use this piece of sh1t. We'll get pulled over man. Ricky: Boys, check it out. What the f*ck! Jacob: Hey guys. Julian: How you feeling buddy? Jacob: Good. I was wondering if I could work for you guys again. Julian: Are you sure you got your strength back? Jacob: I'm still feeling pretty weak, but I could mix drinks for you or get stuff. Julian: Alright, well you can start working again, but just small stuff for now. I don't want to see you getting f*cked over like you did in the woods, alright. Jacob: Oh man, that sounds like Thomas. [music] Tom: What are you doing out of bed? Jacob: I just came to see my friends. Is that okay? Bubbles: Oh, nice job there, son of the mustard tiger. Tom: My Dad is not a mustard tiger. Bubbles: Oh, okay. Tom: Why are you still dressed up like Julian with the goatie and the black T-shirt? It's embarrassing. Jacob: Thomas. Ricky: What's wrong with trying to dress like Julian, huh? You with your big muscular car and you don't have any muscles. Bubbles: Ricky! Ricky: f*ck! Tom: Sixteen years of positive thinking and education have manifested themselves in a mint condition 1967 RS Camaro. Ca-ma-ro! Come on Jacob, let's get out of here right now. We're going right now. [glass breaking] Jacob: Thomas! Tom: It's okay. It's okay. Jacob: Why are you embarrassing me in front of my friends. Julian: Jacob, go spend the day with your Dad, okay? Jacob: Are you sure Julian? Julian: Yeah, go for it. Ricky: Tell your god-damned walrus daddy and Randy good luck with their stupid jump the cheeseburger horseshit. It's f*cking dumb! Bubbles: That guy is intense! Mr. Lahey: Well, if you hadn't driven him away by busting his cock over every little thing, Randy would still be very much part of our lives Barb. Barb: Busting his, oh my god. Jim, you are still in love with him, aren't you? That's why you're going to this stupid burger jump with the greasy Phil Collins, isn't it? Mr. Lahey: Like I already told you, I'm only doing crowd control Barb. Just doing my job. Don't be ridiculous. Barb: Oh ridiculous. You haven't got time to take me line dancing but you've got loads of time to go and watch Randy on some bike, stoned, jump over some inflatable cheeseburger to promote his new restaurant. Mr. Lahey: I'm not just doing it for Randy, Barb. Barb: No, well why are you wearing cologne then? Mr. Lahey: Why are you wearing cowboy boots from some unknown admirer? Barb: Oh, oh, so now you're busting my dink for having a secret admirer? Now what am I supposed to do about that Jim, huh? What? Mr. Lahey: Look Barb, all I'm saying here is that if anybody should be mad, it's me. Barb Lahey: Oh well, at least somebody is paying attention to me for a change. Mr. Lahey: Oh, that's all that matters, isn't it? The princess has to be paid attention to. Look at me, I'm Miss Spoiled Rich Girl whose family owns the trailer park. And I go to university. Barb: Oh, very good impression Jim. But you know what? You neglected to add one or two points like [speaking through megaphone] I am in a relationship with a man who is in love with another man who eats fifteen cheeseburgers a day and rides around the park, high on marijuana cigarettes. Mr. Lahey: Barb, maybe you should lay off the alcohol just for a couple? Barb: Oh, do you think? Do you think Jim? Because you know what, I'm going to be totally honest with you and it's, you know, it's a bit ironic actually but, since you stopped drinking, you are not half as much fun. Mr. Lahey: Barb, I'm doing my best here. Barb: Jim, I wish you'd start drinking again! Lucy: Oh Randy, are you okay? Randy: Oh, sweet and sour chicken balls. I think I sprained it Luce. Lucy: Is it bad? Randy: Yeah, it hurts. Oh, coat of arse cocks. Lucy: Okay, you know what, we're going to go back to my place, put some ice on this. You are going to be fine. This is not a problem. Couple of hours max. Randy: Alfred Hitchcock! Lucy: Randy, enough with the cocks. Alright, let's just go. You know, you'll just walk it off. Randy, everyone's, you know, depending on you. Randy: I don't know if I can do this. Lucy: Horseshit. Oh course you're going to do it. Randy: Why can't your Dad do it? Tom: Randy, think about it. He's not an athlete like you are. He can't jump over cheeseburgers on a bike. He'll be making the burgers. Come on, Randy. It has to be you. Lucy: Thomas is absolutely right. You can do it man. The Randy Man can! Julian: Guys, guess what these are? Ricky: Milk cartons. Julian: Nope. Bubbles: Box cars for dope probably. Julian: You got her man! Things are looking good boys. Barb: Yeah, I'll say things are looking good. Can I, can I have a little word with you Julian please? They fit perfectly. Julian: Okay? Barb: So, thank you very very very much. Julian: Thank you? Barb: Oh come on, Julian. I think that we can put an end to this little charade. Ricky: What the f*ck are they talking about? Bubbles: Greasy stuff I'd say. Ricky: I think they might be banging. Look at them. Julian: How much have you had to drink today? Barb: Enough to know that I am finished with Jim and I can finally go with you to the White Rose Inn on the Lake, sexy. Julian: What are you talking about? Barb: Oh Julian, come on. I know. I know, that you are my secret admirer. Ricky: Well that's quite a step up in the world from banging Randy and Lahey to banging Julian, isn't it? Bubbles: That's a weird thought Ricky. Julian: There must be some kind of misunderstanding Barb. I have no idea what you are talking about. Barb: Well, right. Well. [laughter] Thank goodness for that. That would have been weird. [mumbling] Julian: Don't get me wrong. I'm flattered and everything okay. But love is going to come when you least expect it. Don't worry, it's going to happen. Sam: Surprise Phil. Found you. I'm here for my seventy-five dollars. Rent's due. Phil: Sam what are you doing here today, man? I told you tomorrow. I'm opening up here today, I can make seventy-five bucks easy. Sam: No Phil. Today. Phil: This is my opening day. Don't f*ck it up. Sam: I don't give a sh1t. Seventy- five dollars. Phil: It's only seventy-five bucks Sam. Sam: Seventy-five dollars, seventy- five cents, I don't give a f*ck. It's mine, I want it, I want it now. Or Plan B for you big guy. Phil: Yeah well the whole Plan B means you brushing your cave teeth with a log. Sam: Cave teeth? Cave teeth! It's f*cking on, Phil. It's f*cking on. Phil: [yelling] Sam: Why do you gotta make this get f*cking ugly Phil? Just give me my seventy-five dollars. Phil: Shouldn't you be at a water buffalo lodge meeting or something? Sam: Did you not hear me, pseu- pseudio? [SCENE_BREAK] [gun shots] Ricky: f*ck! Sam: Now get behind the f*cking wheel. The cave man's in charge. We're going to an instant teller. Bubbles: Ricky, are you alright? Ricky: A f*cking lot better than the person who shot me is going to be when I f*cking find them! [gun shots] Ricky: Who the f*ck shot me? [gun shots] Sam: f*ck! Tell him, tell him, f*ck, I don't know. Tell him to go f*ck himself. Phil: Rick, go, go f*ck yourself buddy. Ricky: Did you f*cking shoot me Phil? Huh? Sam: Drive us the f*ck out of here! Phil: Please Sam, I need this RV. It's the only thing I got man. I'll pay you back tomorrow, I promise. Sam: f*ck your stupid Dirty Burgers. Drive! Nice f*ck up Phil. Phil: Shut up Flintstone. I'm under a lot of pressure here. f*ck off. Mr. Lahey: Everybody get back. Phil, you in there? What's going on bud? Phil: It's Sam. He's holding me hostage. I need your help Jimmy boy. Sam: Shut the f*ck up! Mr. Lahey: Yeah, shut up Phil. Sam, Jim Lahey. Sam: What! Mr. Lahey: Officer Jim Lahey. Sam: So! Mr. Lahey: Listen, I want you to talk to me. What's going on bud? What do you want this time? Sam: I just want you all to f*ck off! Mr. Lahey: Sam, it's gone a bit far for that. We're going to have to take this downtown. Look, I'm putting my gun away bud. Put down your weapon. Put your hands up and come on out. I'll count to ten. One Lucy: Ricky, are you alright? Ricky: Yeah, I'm fine. Randy: Back off Lucy. Ricky: f*ck off Randy. Bubbles: Julian, don't wipe Randy's old dirty sweat on me. Sam: f*ck downtown. Let's get the f*ck out of here. Drive, easy lover, drive! Lucy: Oh my god! [yelling] Mr. Lahey: You're making a big mistake, Sam. [yelling] Sarah: He better not f*cking hit our trailer. Man's voice: Stop Phil! [yelling] Ricky: That's what happens when you kidnap a dinosaur you f*cking cave dwelling prick. Sam: Barb? Barb: Will you get out of the way with the stupid Dirty Burger? Let me out of the park! Sam: Move it Phil. Mr. Lahey: Stand back everyone. They're coming out. Barb: Sam, what are you doing, running around the park, waving a gun again? Sam: Nobody f*cking move! I'm searching for lost love Barb. How do you like the boots? Yes. This isn't how I wanted to tell you Barb, but I'm your secret admirer. I love you baby. Barb: So all the gifts were from you? Sam: Every one. Mr. Lahey: Let Phil Collins go, Sam. Sam: Not til I get my money. Mr. Lahey: Right now. Sam: Seventy-five dollars. Tom: Seventy-five dollars? Here's one hundred. Does that settle it? Does that settle it? What's wrong with you? Sam: None of you f*cking guys know who I'm in for. None of you, none of you. Mr. Lahey: Sam, it's time to take a little trip downtown. Barb: No, Jim, Jim, Jim. Let, let, let him say what's on his mind. Ricky: f*cking caves and rocks. Cars with no floors, swinging from f*cking vines. You shot me, you prick Sam: Barb. Barb. Barb. I've banged, made love to a lot of women in my life. And a couple of dudes too, but that's not important. What's important is, I can't not live with no woman but you. I love you baby. Just you. Barb: Sam, I, I might be drunk but that is the sweetest thing anybody's ever said to me. Sam: Come away with this old cave man Barb. To the White Rose Inn. They got a great muffin there baby. Barb: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I, I will. So Jim, are you going to try and stop me. Randy: You deserve better, Mr. Lahey. Mr. Lahey: Well, if that's what you want Barb. Sam: Thanks Jim. Let's go. Ricky: Will somebody please try to explain what the f*ck just happened here? Sam: Cave man always gets the girl Ricky. Phil: Boys, I can't go through with this opening. Tom: Dad! Phil: The Dirty Burger almost killed me, boys. f*ck it! To hell with it. Tom: Come on Dad. Give me a bam! Come on Dad. Phil: No, not now son. Not now. Jacob and Tom: Bammmmmmm! Phil: Boys, I can't give you a bam, but I can give you a green eggs and hammmmmmm! All: ammmmmmmmmm! Phil: We can do this! [laughter] Thanks girls. That's great. Just line em up here. Lots for the customers. [Cheering] Randy: How are you doing, Mr. Lahey? Mr. Lahey: Randy, I'm begging you. Please don't do this. I can't take it. I'm this close to going back to drinking bud. Randy: It wouldn't be my fault Mr. Lahey. Listen, you got any dope on ya? Mr. Lahey: No I don't Randy. Are you sure you can do this without killing yourself? Randy: Thanks for the vote of confidence Mr. Lahey. Phil: Hey Rand, come over and get your gear on buddy. Ricky: Are you going to do this thing or what Randy? Randy: Geez guys, my ankle's a little sore. I don't know if I can do this. Phil: Randy, make this jump, you'll be a living legend. No telling how far the Dirty Burger'll go, huh? Randy: I don't know if I can do it guys. I really don't know. Phil: Man, it'll look great. Don't you worry about it. Let's get this gear on. Tom: [through megaphone] Ladies and Gentlemen. The moment you've all been waiting for. Randy will jump the cheeseburger. Ricky: You look f*cking stupid with all that padding and sh1t on Randy, you dummy. [applause] Ricky: Come on Randy! What's that?! Bubbles: Oh, nice jump Randy. Whoo! Randy: I can't do this guys. I can't do it unless I'm stoned. Phil: Come on man, it's the Dirty Burger. You've got to. There's no choice in the matter. Randy: I've gotta be high. I'm not doing it. Phil: Randy Jesus! You've got to f*cking do it man. [yelling] Tom: Dad, take it easy! [yelling] Randy: Frig off. Tom: Dad! Dad, you're losing it. [yelling] Ricky: That whole family is so f*cked! Tom: Dad, please take it easy! Randy: You're taking this Dirty Burger thing way too seriously Phil. If I had some dope, I'd do this. Phil: Well go see your precious Julian and get him some dope. Tom: Dad, he can't be on drugs when he does the jump. Phil: He's got to be. We have no choice. Tom: Drugs are wrong. Phil: Any other time but we gotta do it up. Just f*cking do it! Jacob: Let me see if I can hook us up Thomas. Ricky: What the f*ck do you want toughie? Tom: I'm not here to fight, okay? Randy will not make that jump unless he's high on marijuana. Ricky: High on marijuana. Big f*cking surprise! Well, you're not getting it from me cause this is my personal stock. From the captain's cupboard, alright. It's my best stuff and I'm not giving it to Randy. Jacob: Come on, it's an emergency guys. We just need a bud. Please Julian. Julian: Ricky, just give him a hit off this thing so we can get this jump underway please! Ricky: Randy, are you going to do this or are you too f*cking scared? Randy: Ricky, I just need to get high. Ricky: f*ck you're sweating. Randy: No sh1t. Ricky: Yeah man, that's why I'm here. Be careful with that. It's my personal stuff. It's kick ass. You only need a little tiny bit. Randy: Thanks a lot Ricky. This is awesome. You saved the day. Ricky: Alright, that's good. That's all you need man. I'm serious. Get the f*ck out there and don't let us down. We're all high as f*ck. Good luck. Randy: Thanks Rick. Ricky: Alright, he's going to do it. Bubbles: Look at him. He looks like a hairy robot. [applause] Ricky: He's pretty f*cking high. [cheering] Bubbles: Oh my god, he's down. Lucy: Somebody call an ambulance. Mr. Lahey: Randy. Randy, are you okay? Phil: This is drugs. See what drugs did. Ricky: f*ck, don't f*cking shove me. Can't you see I've been shot here you f*cking walrus. [yelling] Randy: We did it Phil. Phil: We sure did Randy. We sure did. Bubbles: Hang in there Randy. Lucy: Take it easy honey. Get well, soon. Bubbles: Poor Randy.
Jump the Cheeseburger