Sy succumbs to pressure and allows a wounded Mafia kingpin to be admitted. Detective Briggs changes vocations. Chief has a day off.
Sy: Hey, chief. What are you up to? Chief: Oh, man. I am getting the hell out of here just as fast as these crippled old legs can carry me. This is my day off, bitches! Whoo! Yeah. Sy: Yeah, I give her about an hour to figure out an excuse to get back in here. She hates leaving here, you know? Dori: Are you really asking if I know? Or is that just rhetorical? You don't give a rat's ass as to whether or not I know or don't know about how chief hates leaving this place! Damn you! Frankie: Come on. Take it easy, you mamaluke. [ Groans ] I need to check in. Dori: Ooh. We only treat children here. Vito: I don't see an issue here. This person's 5 years old. Sy: Yeah. Dori. Um, let's check in this child... This 5-year-old child who I'm sure has I.D. proving his age. Frankie: [ Groans ] Dori: Oh. I always have trouble guessing people's ages -- mostly with hilarious results. You'll see. Now, what seems to be the problem, young man? Frankie: I fell on a bullet. Dori: [ Chuckles ] Kids. Owen: Well, you're making real progress, Douglas. Tell me, does it hurt when I do this? [ Sternly ] You are worthless. Yes. That hurts. [ Knock on door ] Briggs: Did someone say they needed a hero or is that just the theme music that's always playing in my head? Owen: Detective Chance Briggs, you velvet, poker-playing bulldog -- What's my old partner doing here? Briggs: I got put on desk duty for losing my hearing. Owen: Since when is hearing important for a cop? Briggs: Since a juvie perp yelled "don't shoot" and I shot him. Owen: I can't believe they would strip Lt. Chance Briggs of his badge because he can't hear a little. Briggs: And can you believe they would strip Lt. Chance Briggs -- you just said that, didn't you? Owen: I did. Briggs: I thought you did but my hearing is completely shot, just like that juvie perp. Owen: So you're taking the next logical step -- coming here to become a doctor so you can cure yourself. Briggs: If I heard you correctly, yes, I am. Owen: Well, allow me to show you around. I'm going to teach you everything you need to know about doctoring. Briggs: It's a date! Owen: [ Chuckles ] But not a date date. Briggs: I know. Frankie: Pssst! Pssst! Sy! Sy! Eh, eh. Eeeeeh! On behalf of the family, here's a little something for the hospitality, eh? Dookie: It's money! Frankie: Hey, Dookie! You ruined the surprise! Sy: Listen. Could we not make food in here? Vito: Sy, relax. It's nothing! We just got a little Italian sausage, some peppers, some ground beef, some tomatoes, some onions, some gabagool, some basil, some oregano, sautéed chicken livers. I got some beautiful wasabi, olive oil, sliced, thin garlic and a pinch of salt to taste -- it's nothin'! Frankie: Yeah, Sy. You worry too much. It's bad for your pores. Hey, do me a favor. Take this and go build a new wing. Vito: Or a leg! Frankie: Or a thigh! Dookie: Or an addition! Or an annex! [ Laughs ] Vito: Dummy. We're making a joke here. Dookie: No, you -- you said... Frankie: You broke the joke, you stunad! Dookie: [ Laughs ] Frankie: My own kid. Sy: I'm way over my head. Chief: I hate days off. I'm addicted to doctoring. When I was young, I ran a shoe-shine stand at a local hospital just so I could be around it. Now I spend my days off watching kids, hoping they hurt themselves. [ Choking ] Chief: Yes!! Don't worry, little girl! I'm a doctor! I can save you! You're choking! I will give you the gift of life! Blake: Dueling days off, I guess, huh, chief? Tough luck. Now, why don't you go get your shine box? Chief: [ Sighs deeply ] [ Rock music plays ] Blake: Huh? Ugh! Chief: [ Screams ] Blake: Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! [ Music continues ] Chief: Aah! Oh! Aah! [ Music ends ] Owen: We got a 10-year-old girl with abdominal pains. What's the call? Briggs: Well, I guess I would... Owen: No, Briggs. Come on. What's the call? Think! Briggs: Okay...I do something like... I'd put her on a monoclonal antibody full-service platform and an h7n7-ha Elisa kit. Owen: Not bad at all. You were hesitant at first, but once you got going, you showed a surprising knowledge of medicine. Now you're giving a look like, "hey, I think I know that guy." Man, I am really nailing what's happening from moment to moment. Sal: Attention, staff. I'm going to go get the papers. That is all. That is all. Beth: You guys are all so big for five. What are your mommies feeding you? Gabagool. Beth: You guys are like Popeye and these gabagools are spinach. What is gabagool? I don't know. It could be spinach. Sy: Cat, I am in way over my head. Every time I go into that room, they pull me in deeper. It's like I want to get out of that room, but they keep pulling me back in...to the room. Cat: Now, Sy, you just need to know how to speak to them. Let me show you. Watch. Cat: Hi. I'm Dr. Cat Black and -- Dookie: Shhh! My dad's napping. He naps for five minutes every hour. He says it's good for the skin. Cat: Really? Does he have any advice for split ends? Ooh. Dookie: Yeah, actually, he says you should only brush your hair once a day, and only in the middle of the night when your hair is asleep so you could sneak up on it. Cat: Yeah, but, see, that wouldn't work for me because my hair has insomnia and always has. Dookie: You're really fun to talk to. Cat: Yeah. It's funny -- I came in here to broker peace for Sy, but... God, you're not like these other guys. You've got kind eyes and no sense of humor. What's your name? Dookie: Dookie. Cat: Okay. Dookie. Dookie: Dookie. Cat: Wow. Dookie: What's your name? Cat: Cat. Dookie: Cat -- like the animal, the cat? Cat: Yeah. God, you're cute. The only thing I don't like about you is that wife-beater. Dookie: You mean my dad? No, I know. Frankie: Okay! I'm up! Let's go! Back to business! Cat: I'll see you around, Dookie. Dookie: Hey, not -- not if I see you around first, before you see me around. [SCENE_BREAK] Sy: Hi. Some of the parents are getting a little suspicious. Frankie: You need more money, Sy? Give him some money. Sy: No. No. No. Don't -- don't do that. No. I-I feel like I've made a mistake, and I mean this is the nicest way -- I need you to leave. Frankie: Sylvester Hiram Mittleman. That's Italian, ain't it? Sy: It's Sicilian. Frankie: Well, okay. I am now officially gonna open up the books. You -- you are now... a made man. Sy: No. Frankie: Look. What's yours...is mine. Sy: Never go against the family, Sy. Capiche? Dookie: Oh. Papa Senori. [ Dramatic music plays ] Briggs: This guy looks just like crime boss Frankie Ciavaterri, but this guy is 5 and Frankie has got to be at least 65. It doesn't add up. I'm gonna question him. Owen: Ah, Briggs, it's not your job anymore. Briggs, did you hear me? Briggs: Yeah, I did. I was just pretending not to. [ Indistinct shouting ] [ Gunshot ] [ Indistinct screaming ] Owen: Holster that weapon, doctor. In this hospital, we don't fight with bullets. We fight with these. Whoops. Wrong hand. We fight with these. Briggs: Ah, pills. That hits home. Owen: Now, let's go save some ass. [ Rock music plays ] Chief: I had to get the kid to the hospital, punch in, treat her, locate her family, get back to the park, get Blake's body, and dissolve it in a drum of acid. Owen: Bullet's lodged in his shoulder. He lost a lot of blood. I'm gonna need more gauze. Briggs -- more gauze! Briggs: Get your own gauze! I'm a cop, Owen -- not a doctor. And if that means I have to lie to my bosses that I have the ability to perceive sound, so be it! [ Inhales deeply ] Briggs: Officer Chance Briggs requesting backup. We got a 10-87 over at Childrens! Dookie: Hey! Cat: Oh. Dookie: Human cat. Cat: Hey, dookie. Dookie: My dad says that I should ask you out. Cat: Really? Are you sure your family won't care if we dated? Because, keep in my mind, I'm Jewish and I'm terrible at keeping secrets. Dookie: Why would they care about that? Cat: Oh, dookie. Dookie: Eeeh-o. Oh. Mmm. W-wow! [ Chuckles ] I can't wait to tell my dad I'm in love with some blabbermouth Jew broad who kisses like a black chick! Cat: [ Giggles ] I know she's in there! Everyone, there is a whore in recovery room 2! Frankie: How you doin'? Briggs: You're under arrest. Cat: No. No. He's not like them. He's different. Dookie: No. I'm not, Cat. Cat: But you have such a kind heart. Dookie: I have a learning disability. Cat: Tomato, tomahto. Dookie: Who says "tomahto"? Cat: Wealthy people, British waiters, Frasier's brother -- Dookie: I have been making my gravy since I'm little -- I never heard no one say "tomahto." Goodbye, human cat -- or in your people's language, "meow." Cat: Meow. [ Sobs ] Chief: Ah-ha. Finally. [ Laughs ] [ Gasps ] Uh-oh -- the pigs. [ Laughs ] Owen: Briggs, I took you under my wing... Briggs: Owen, I'm a partially deaf cop. Cut me open with a scalpel or shoot me with a .38, but root around inside that bloody hole that you just made and you'll find that I'm police officer through and through. Blake: Officer! [ Gasps ] Oh, thank God! Chief tried to kill me! Luckily, she missed every major organ by millimeters! But I could easily have been thought of by most as dead! Briggs: What did you say? You're dead?! Blake: No. Briggs: Officers, he's dead, and he's still walking! He must be a zombie! Shoot to kill! Blake: No! Owen: Briggs! Briggs! Briggs! Briggs, you got it all wrong! Briggs: You're right. We have to destroy the zombie's brain! Go for the head! Owen: [ Sighs ] Briggs: You are under arrest for turning Dr. Blake Downs into a zombie. Chief: What?! What are you talking about? He's not a zombie! Briggs: Not anymore, he's not. Chief: What are you, deaf? Briggs: No. No, I'm not. [ Gavel pounding ] This meeting has come to order. We have come to a decision. Chief, the board finds you innocent of turning Dr. Blake Downs into a zombie. But we find you guilty of attempting to practice medicine on your day off. Your medical license is hereby revoked for the period of one month. [ Gavel bangs ] Chief: The hardest thing for me was to leave the life. I loved being a doctor. We did what we wanted. When I was out of patients to treat, I'd just go out and hurt some kids and treat them. It was all ours for the taking. Now it's all over. And I have to live the rest of this month like a shnook. [ "I want it all" plays ] ♪ I want it all ♪ ♪ from the bright lights of Vegas ♪ ♪ to the steps of the great China wall ♪ ♪ I want it all ♪ ♪ from champagne in Paris ♪ ♪ to the best show that you ever saw at Carnegie Hall ♪ ♪ yeah, you know me ♪ ♪ and I want it all ♪ Sal: Attention, staff. The members of the board may unfreeze now. That is all.
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