When Eddie fathers a litter of puppies by a neighbor's dog, Frasier gets irritated at Martin, who is supposed to have had Eddie neutered. With Martin unwilling to subject Eddie to the procedure, Frasier attempts to arrange it instead.
Act 1 Scene 1 - Frasier's Apartment SUNDAY IN THE PARK WITH EDDIE [Fade in. Daphne is ironing, Martin comes from the kitchen with a beer.] Martin: What the hell are you doing? Daphne: Ironing your son's socks. Martin: Why don't you just twist them into little balls like you do mine? Daphne: He says it bruises the cashmere. He likes them pressed, folded, then neatly arranged in those sock dividers. I saw them in a catalogue once, but couldn't imagine who in the world would ever buy such silly things. Course, I hadn't met Dr. Crane yet. Martin: [sitting in his chair] I used to think there was some sort of mix-up at the hospital. Of course, when Niles came along it shot that theory all to hell. [Frasier comes in from the bedroom.] Frasier: Oh, Dad, Dad, please. Coaster. [puts one under the beer] Your beer is sweating. Martin: So am I. You wanna shove one of those under my can? [The doorbell rings, Frasier goes to get it.] Daphne: If he could, he would. [Frasier opens the door to a neighbor.] Frasier: Oh, Mrs. Greenway! What a pleasant surprise. Dorathea: [storming in and pointing at Eddie] I knew it! That's him! Frasier: Won't you come in? Dorathea: I had to see him again before I was sure, but now I'm positive. That is the horny little mixed-breed who got my Phoebe pregnant. Martin: Hey, you can't just bust in here accusing my dog! Dorathea: Oh, it's him all right! I had to keep shooing him away from Phoebe down at the park. Look at him, he doesn't care who's life he's ruined. All he cares about is his own selfish pleasure! Martin: You know what your problem is, Dorthea? You got a bad attitude. Dorathea: [heading back to the door] Oh! Martin: That's why nobody sits with you in the park. [Eddie jumps over to the couch, staring out the door.] Frasier: Mrs. Greenway, there's no way Eddie could be the father, he's been neutered. Dorathea: Oh, really?! Then how do you explain these? [She shoves a box of puppies into his arms.] Frasier: Oh, my God! They're miniature Eddies! Daphne: [overcome] Oh, aren't they adorable? Oh! Dorathea: Well, I'm glad you think so, because they're yours! [leaves] Frasier: Oh! [to Eddie] Bad dog! Look what you did! [Eddie jumps back to Martin, Frasier gives the box to Daphne. ] Frasier: Here, take these. Dad, Dad, I expect an explanation. All this time I thought Eddie had been fixed. Martin: All you had to do was look. Frasier: Well, I am glad to say I've never been that bored. Daphne: [cuddling the puppies] Ooh, couldn't you just eat them up? Frasier: Oh, for God's sake, please, don't love them. They'll think they're staying. [shoves them back in the box] Keep them off the couch. [to Martin] What were you thinking, letting him run free in the park? Haven't you ever seen the way he tries to romance my towel warmer? Martin: Look, he's cooped up here all day. When we go to the park, I let him off the leash so he can get a little exercise. Frasier: Apparently, that's not all he got. Daphne: [holding out a puppy] I think I found the perfect name for this one... Frasier: STOP! Dogs only need names if you are planning to call them to you, which we are not. [grabs a puppy that got loose] Oh, now listen you, you get right back in there, you mangy little thing. Oh, my God... all right, all right, now I've got to run down to the radio station, but believe me we are going to be having a discussion about this when I get... Martin: Oh, relax, Frasier. I'll have Eddie taken care of tomorrow. Frasier: Yes, well you better. Now, Daphne, give me that box, please. Daphne: Where are you taking the puppies? Frasier: To see if I can unload some of them down at the station. Daphne: Oh, well, couldn't we just keep them for a while? Frasier: No, no, we don't want them taking after their father. [As he carries the box to the door, all the puppies suddenly stand on their hind legs inside the box and look at Frasier.] Frasier: Though it may be too late already. Oh, for God's sake, STOP STARING AT ME! [He leaves. Fade out.] Scene 2 - KACL CATWOMAN [Roz is on her side of the booth reading. Frasier comes in behind her.] Frasier: Hello, Roz, don't you look lovely... Roz: [not looking] I know what's in the box, and I don't want one. Frasier: But I didn't say anything! Roz: Betty from Accounting called to warn me. Where did you find them, anyway? Frasier: In my living room. These are Eddie's mongrel seed. [crossing to his side of the booth] You don't know anybody that wants six puppies, do you? Roz: Six? All right, Eddie! Frasier: Oh, please! I've been traipsing up and down the hallway for an hour, trying to unload them; I haven't had the slightest bit of luck. Roz: Well, you see Frasier, not everybody likes dogs. Take me, I'm a cat person. I mean it's not like I'd ever buy a cat mug or a cat calendar, or anything, but; I had a cat when I was growing up. We were almost inseparable. Muffles... or Scruffles, something like that. Frasier: You know, Roz, it's entirely possible that there's a dog lover inside of you that's just dying to get out. Don't you think so? [She shakes her head, he picks up a puppy and gives it to her.] Frasier: Come on, come on, just, just take a look, just have a look, let's have a look... Roz: [with a melting smile and cooing] Ooh, he's adorable! Oh, come here little fella. Oh, aren't you the cutest little thing? Oh, oh, oh, yeah, give me a little kiss. Ooh, I love you too! [Then hands the puppy back with a completely flat face; deadpan] There, happy now? Frasier: Roz! How can you just toss him aside after such a tender display of affection? Roz: I can do it with men, too. Come on, Frasier, it's time to start the show. [Frasier holds the puppy up to a man passing by the window.] Frasier: Oh, Phil, puppy, puppy! [Phil wards him off with his hands and keeps walking] They're all on to me. All right, now, you guys behave yourselves. [He puts on his headphones and Roz cues him through the window.] Frasier: Hello, Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane coming to you from KACL 780 talk radio. I'll be with you for the next three hours. So Roz, who's our first caller? Roz: We have Rita on line four, she's feeling a little overwhelmed at home. Frasier: Hello, Rita, I'm listening. Rita: Yeah, Dr. Crane? Dr. Crane... I'm, I'm- uh, thank you for taking my call. I, I, I tell you, I am about to lose my mind. I am raising four kids by myself, the oldest one is not even seven and the other three are all under five. Between cooking and cleaning and changing diapers and tripping over toys... I, I feel sometimes like I'm about to snap. What should I do? Frasier: Have you considered getting a puppy? [Roz looks at him in disbelief. Fade out.] Scene 3 - Frasier's Apartment UN PEU DE PATE DERRIERE LES OREILLES [There is a family of four, the Thomases, holding one of the puppies and talking with Daphne.] Thomas: Well, if we can't have this one, are there any other puppies available? Daphne: No, we found homes for all the others. But thanks for coming over, 'bye now. Thomas: But, the children. Dr. Crane said... Daphne: Oh, don't get all wobbly now. There are other dogs in the world, you know. Now give me that. [takes the dog from the little girl and ushers them out the door] Thank you for coming over, thank you. [She closes the door behind them, Frasier comes in from the kitchen with a tray.] Frasier: I thought you might like some wine and paté, and I made some lemonade for the children... [He looks up and sees no Thomases, only Daphne protectively cuddling the puppy.] Frasier: [coldly] Where are the Thomases? Why is that dog still here? Daphne: I'm sorry, Dr. Crane, but they struck me as unfit guardians. Frasier: For God's sake, he works at the zoo! She's a nurse, Billy's an altar boy and Kathy is a Camp-Fire Girl! Daphne: They had a dark aura. Frasier: They had a ten-acre farm! If they'd have taken me, I'd have gone with them! Daphne: Oh, I see! So you want me to give the little fellow away to just anybody. [The doorbell rings.] Frasier: Well, no, I'm not saying that. It's just that he can't stay here. [He answers the door. It is Niles.] Frasier: Oh, hello, Niles. Come on in. Niles: Hope you don't mind my stopping by, but Maris is hosting the Women's League Senior yoga group and... old money in body stockings... [grimaces] Frasier: Say no more, you're welcome to hide out here. Niles: I see the kennel is still open. Frasier: Yes, but that's the last one. I'd even managed to find a nice home for him, but Daphne thought the family wasn't nice enough. Some paté, Niles? Daphne: I didn't reject them, the dog did. Canines have a very keen sense of who's a nice person and who isn't. Why, many's the time I've chosen a man based solely on the way my mum's springer spaniel took to them. Frasier: Oh, Daphne, that is preposterous! Letting a dog choose your dates? [When the others aren't looking, Niles takes a dab of pate from his cracker and applies it behind his ears.] Daphne: It's true! If a dog likes a man, it's a good bet he's warm and sensitive. Niles: [going to the couch and taking the puppy from Daphne] You know, I really didn't get a good look at this little tyke. Come here, boy, come to your Uncle Niles. [The puppy begins licking behind his ear.] Daphne: Look at that! He's taken quite a shine to you. Niles: Yes, happens all the time. Frasier: Daphne, would you mind taking the dog away, please? Get back on the phone with the Thomases, tell them we've reconsidered. Daphne: [taking the puppy] All right. But only for a two-week trial. Frasier: Thank you. Daphne: Come along, Basil. Frasier: I told you not to name them! [Daphne exits. Martin comes in with Eddie.] Niles: Ooh, hello, Dad. Martin: Afternoon, boys. [Martin undoes Eddie's leash. He jumps on the coffee table and scurries over to Martin's chair.] Frasier: Dad, I seem to remember that Eddie had a little appointment down at the vet's. Can't help but notice he still has that certain spring in his step. Martin: Yeah, well, we started heading down there, but the traffic was a bear, you know. You get a sunny day in this town and everybody forgets how to drive. [He goes into the powder room.] Frasier: You are going to reschedule, aren't you? Martin: [through the door] Oh, yeah, yeah, I'll call in the morning. Frasier: That's the second time you've canceled that appointment. What seems to be the problem? Martin: Oh, it's no problem. What's the big deal? I'll call tomorrow. Relax, will ya? [Eddie jumps on the couch beside Niles and begins licking behind his other ear.] Niles: Oh, dear God, he's licking me! Frasier: Eddie, just stop! [He shoos Eddie away, then grabs Niles's head for a closer look.] Oh, Niles, you have liver behind your ears. Niles: I imagine I must have picked up a cracker and inadvertently scratched behind my ear. Frasier: So you're telling me that you had a wad of cold meat behind your ears and didn't feel it? Niles: That's the story I'm sticking with, yes. [Martin comes out.] Frasier: Dad, Dad, listen: I want your assurance that you'll take care of this. Martin: Fine. Frasier: You promise? Martin: Hey! I said I'd do it and I will. You don't have to pin a note to my sweater, get off my back! Anybody wants me, I'll be down at Duke's. [He leaves.] Niles: Ever notice how much faster he moves when he's wrong? Frasier: Apparently he's got some sort of psychological block against taking Eddie down there. Guess I'm gonna have to do it. Somebody has to be responsible in this family. OK, come on, Eddie let's go. Good boy. [Eddie runs over to the kitchen table.] Eddie? Uh, Niles... [He motions for Niles to help him.] Niles: [coming around the other side] Now Eddie, it's a routine operation. They say it's almost painless, [to Frasier] although I can't imagine... Frasier: You know, Niles, perhaps it's best we don't discuss the operation. We might spook him Niles: Excuse me? Are you saying he understands me? Frasier: Well, he understands the word B - A - T - H. God knows how much english he's picked up. Niles: Fine. Tu tournes a droit. Frasier: Ah, bon, bon. Je marcherai derriere lui.. Niles: Mais, tu es celui qui va l'amener chez le medecin pour le... snip-snip. Frasier: Ah. C'es vrais, mais...oh, what are we doing? Eddie, come here! This is ridiculous. Look at him. Oh, for Pete's sake. [Eddie races away to the bedrooms as Niles and Frasier give chase.] Act 2 Scene 1 - The Vet's Office DOCTOR! NO! [Frasier is sitting in the reception area, Eddie is on the chair beside him, staring at him intently.] Frasier: What are you staring at? You know why you're here, don't you? Well now, listen, it's for your own good. Believe me you'll be much happier afterwards. Look, your day-to-day routine, it'll be exactly the same. You'll be able to sleep, run around with your little buddies, go play in the woods, chase the birds, lick your... did I mention sleep? [Martin comes in the door.] Martin: You've got a lot of nerve, you know that?! You all right, boy? Frasier: Well, of course he's all right, Dad. Why are you getting so upset? I'm only doing this to help you out. Martin: Oh, that's a load of crap. Frasier: Look, we agreed that this had to be done, right? Now, you seem to be have a problem with it, so I took charge. Martin: Well, I don't need you taking charge. Eddie's my dog, so mind your own damn business. And here's something else you should know: I don't need your help and I don't want it! Frasier: Why are you so upset? It doesn't matter who brought him down here. Martin: Yes it does! I'm perfectly capable of taking care of him. Just like I feed him, walk him and give him his bath! [A man comes in and leaves the door open. Eddie runs out] Martin: Eddie! See what you did! Frasier: Me?! [They rush out the door. Fade out.] Scene 2 - Frasier's Apartment [Martin is on the phone.] Martin: OK. Thanks, and oh, Daphne's here in case anybody sees him. [hangs up] I got the guys at the station circulating Eddie's picture. I'm gonna go out and look for him so more. Daphne comes out of the kitchen with a tray. Daphne: Oh, come on, now. You've done enough. Why don't you just sit still and drink your tea? Martin: I hate tea! Daphne: Humor me. In an emergency, it's all I know how to do. Martin: That's a real comfort coming from a health care provider. [Frasier comes in the front door. Martin and he share an uncomfortable look.] Frasier: Dad, I'm sorry. There was no luck at the pound. They said they'd call if they find a dog matching Eddie's description. [spotting a flyer by the phone] A five hundred dollar reward for Eddie?! [Martin glares at him.] Frasier: Are you sure it's enough? Martin: Right now it's about five hundred more than I'd pay to get you back. Frasier: Look, Dad, I said I was sorry. Martin: Well, I just can't sit here. I'm goin' back to the park. Frasier: The park again? What makes you think he's gonna show up there? Martin: Because that's his hangout. Didn't you ever have a place like that? A place where you went to meet women, a place where you got lucky? Frasier: Well, I suppose so, yeah. Martin: Didn't you go back? Frasier: [with feigned enthusiasm] To the park! Martin: This time we'll comb every inch of that place. Every tree, every bush... uh, Daphne, we're gonna need more help, so call Niles and tell him we'll pick him up. [she nods] Frasier: Oh, yes, wouldn't want to go out in the wilds without one of the world's great outdoorsmen! Daphne: [holding her head] Oh, this is odd. I just got one of my psychic flashes. It's about Eddie. Martin: Well? Daphne: It doesn't make any sense. All I'm getting is a picture of Eddie sitting with Dr. Crane. [Cut to - a bus bench with an ad for Frasier's show. Eddie is sitting on it, staring at Frasier's picture. Fade out.] [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 3 - The Park THE STAKEOUT [Martin is sitting in Frasier's car, Frasier climbs in.] Martin: Any luck? Frasier: I couldn't find him. Martin: Where's Niles? Frasier: Ah, we split up to cover more ground. Martin: Well, scrunch down. If Eddie comes back and sees you here, he'll run away again. [Fraser slumps down in the seat with an embarrassed look on his face.] Frasier: You know, Dad, maybe we oughta call it a night. You've been sittin' in this car for three hours. Martin: Ah, that's nothin'. I was on a stakeout once for fifteen hours without ever gettin' out of the car. We had a contest to see who could last the longest. The winner was "Canteen" McHugh. Know why we called him that? Frasier: I think I can guess. Martin: Because his bladder was the size of a canteen. Frasier: Thank you for clearing that up. Martin: You could've slung his bladder over your shoulder and gone on a twenty mile forced march through the desert. Frasier: Big, huh? Martin: Isn't that what I've been sayin'? [Frasier rolls his window down.] Martin: Hey, close that window! It's freezin'! Frasier: Oh, Dad, it's like a blast furnace in here. Martin: Well, I'm cold, okay? At my age, you get cold easily. Frasier: All right. [He rolls the window back up.] Frasier: You know Dad, I've just developed a very intersting theory about you... Martin: [sarcastic] If I begged you, would you share it with me? Frasier: If that's your attitude, just forget it! [The car phone rings and Frasier answers it.] Frasier: Hello? Oh, Niles! Martin: Did he find him?! Frasier: Just a second, Niles, let me put you on speaker-phone here. Hang on. [he sets the phone down] OK, go ahead, Niles. Niles: [from the phone] I'm out here in the middle of the park and I'm lost! Thank God for my cellular! Martin: Did you see Eddie? Niles: No, but I thought I saw a raccoon. When I stopped running, I had no idea where I was. You've got to help me! Frasier: All right, all right, Niles, just, just remain calm. Let me think back to my Boy Scout training. [opens the car sun-roof] All right, now, we're on the northeast corner of the park... all right, look into the heavens and see if you can spot the North Star. Then you want to turn twelve degrees to your right... Martin: Oh, for God's sake, just walk towards the horn. [begins honking] Niles: I hear it! I hear it, Dad! I'm walking. Martin: All right, just keep following it. [honks again] Niles: I see a grove of trees, and a fountain, and... a horrible, wretched, hunchbacked old man! Stay away from me! No, no, it was just a bush. OK, OK, things are beginning to look familiar now. Keep honking. I think I'm homing in. Yes, I'm quite sure this is the way. [He climbs into the back seat, still talking into his cellular.] Niles: OK, you can hang up now. [hangs his up] That was a harrowing experience! Martin: Yeah, a shrub and a raccoon in one night and you lived to tell about it. Niles: Dad, I'm sorry I couldn't find Eddie. I hope you'll understand, I think I'd like to go home now and hold my wife. That is, if she'll let me. I'll just hail a cab. Frasier: Be sure to call us from the curb when you get there, so we know you're safe. [Niles gets out.] Martin: Hey, you're probably tired too. If you want to go with him, that's OK. Frasier: No, that's all right, Dad. I'll stay for a little while longer. Martin: Look, I'm sorry I cut you off like that before, I've just never gone in for that psychological mumbo-jumbo. Probably started back on the force when they'd make us go see The Squirrel. Frasier: Who? Martin: Dr. Bergman, the department shrink. We called him "The Squirrel" 'cause guys got sent to him when they got squirrelly. He'd show you a bunch of ink-blots and ask about your toilet habits... If I wanted to talk about toilet habits, I woulda stayed partners with Nate Dombrowski. We nicknamed him "The Big..." Frasier: Thank you! Martin: Look, it wasn't just Eddie I was mad about. Eddie was the straw that broke the camel's back. Seems like I'm always being told to take my feet off the furniture, put a coaster under my beer, turn the TV down... I used to make the rules, and now I have to follow them. This makin' any sense to you? Frasier: From a psychological standpoint, it makes perfect sense. Slowly, over the years, your responsibilities have been taken away from you, and you, well, you feel symbolically castrated. Martin: Oh, why does everything with you shrinks start in the crotch? Frasier: All right, all right. Well, maybe my rules are too rigid. Maybe I should try to relax a little. Martin: No, no. Hey, it's your house, you do what you want. I don't know what's buggin' me. I guess it's not easy for a guy like me to not be in charge. Frasier: You know, Dad, a lot of people confuse not being in charge with not being respected. I hope you're not making that mistake, because you command a great deal of respect. There's not a day in my life when I don't hold myself up to the Martin Crane yardstick. I guess a son always wants to make his father proud. Martin: Yeah, I guess. Frasier: So...? Martin: Yeah, yeah, you're doin' fine. [muttering] Even if you are a big pain in the ass. Frasier: You know, I'm not sure I could have made Eddie go through with that operation, anyway. That's a tough thing for a guy to do to another guy. Martin: Amen to that. [Eddie jumps up on the trunk of the car, Frasier spots him in the rear-view mirror.] Frasier: You know what? It's getting kinda late. What do you say we go home and get some sleep? [Eddie barks.] Martin: [opening his door] Eddie! Hey, hey, come here boy! [Eddie jumps in and sits on his lap.] Hey, atta boy! Hey, good to see you fella, how ya doin'? [to Frasier] It might be nice if you welcomed him back. Frasier: Hello, Eddie. [pets him] Good dog - oh, wet dog! Martin: Yeah, you're shivering! [grabs some clothing from the back seat and wraps it around Eddie] Here, we gotta get you warmed up! Frasier: Dad! That's a hundred percent cashmere pull-over! [Martin glares at him] It's meant to be worn with the collar up. [He adjusts it on Eddie. Fade out.] [SCENE_BREAK] Back in the vet's waiting room, Frasier, Martin and Niles are all there with Eddie. The nurse calls to them but they don't move. She comes around the counter, picks Eddie up and takes him back to the operating areas, Eddie looking back over her shoulder at the men. The guys have their hands in their laps and looks of sympathy and nervousness on their faces. Together they cross their legs.
The Unkindest Cut Of All