Jenny tries to explain her situation and her confused sexuality to her one-time college roommate, Annette, who suggests they stalk Marina's girlfriend, Francesca (guest star Lolita Davidovich ), after she arrives in town. Bette and Tina attend group therapy in preparation for becoming parents, while Bette faces off against a black militant writer, Yolanda, who questions Bette's self-image as a mixed-race person. With her Subaru endorsement contract in full swing, Dana, with Alice in tow, decides to come out to her right-wing parents during a formal ball for Mrs. Fairbanks, despite knowing they will not approve. Kit is asked to help write a song for rapper Slim Daddy (guest star Snoop Dogg ). Shane throws Clive out of her place after catching him stealing from her to support his drug habit.
[A horse whinnies.] [Fade in. Tommy James & The Shondells "Crimson and Clover" plays.] INT. - HORSE RIDING RING - DAY [A couple of young women, Sharon and Leslie, ride on horses in a small arena.] [title card: Santa Rosa, CA 1968] Leslie: I didn't get in. Sharon: Then I'm not going. Leslie: Don't be ridiculous! You get to go to Paris and Germany and Spain, meet the best dressage riders in the world. Sharon: It won't be any fun without you. Leslie: You'll probably make best friends with some snobby girl from Spence. You won't even want to talk to me when you get back. INT. - HORSE STABLES - DAY [The girls are putting their horses up.] Sharon: (brushing her horse) Will you go back to Seneca Lake? Leslie: (walking her horse into a stall) I think I might stay here. My mom wants me to canvass for Nixon/Agnew in the California primary. [Leslie starts to change out of her riding clothes. Sharon walks into the stall.] Leslie: Send me postcards, okay? Every day? Sharon: I'm gonna miss you so much, Leslie. [They hug. As they pull away, Sharon starts to kiss Leslie. Leslie pushes her away.] Leslie: Jesus! What are you doing? [Sharon stares in shock at Leslie. Leslie backs away from her.] Sharon: It just... I don't know, it just happened. It felt right. Leslie: People have all kinds of feelings! It doesn't mean we're supposed to act on them! [Leslie puts on a shirt and leaves. Sharon turns and watches, sadly.] [main titles.] INT. - HALLWAY OUTSIDE DAN FOXWORTHY'S OFFICE - NIGHT [Bette and Tina approach an office door.] Bette: I don't think I wanna do this. [Bette tries to walk off, but Tina grabs her and brings her back.] Tina: Try. If we hate it, we can stand up and say, "Sorry, we're better than you." And we're out of here. Or else, we could pass judgment on them without ever even meeting them. [Bette sighs and bends over to talk to Tina's tummy.] Bette: I just want you to know I'm only doing this for you. [Bette kisses Tina's tummy. They open the doors.] INT. - DAN FOXWORTHY'S OFFICE - NIGHT [Bette and Tina enter. A handful of men and women are taking their seats in a small group circle.] Dan: Ah. Welcome. (to group) Bette and Tina. [Bette and Tina walk to a couple of empty chairs and sit. Dan takes a seat at the head of the group.] Dan: So. [Tina pats Bette on the back. Bette pulls away from the contact, so Tina withdraws her hand. Tina folds her arms. Bette looks uncomfortable.] INT. - THE GARAGE - NIGHT [Jenny walks in the door. Her old friend from college, Annette, is there, listening to loud rock music. They're happy to see each other.] Jenny: Hey! Annette: Hey! Jenny: When did you get here? Annette: Hi, big girl! Give me a hug! [Annette and Jenny hug.] Jenny: It's so good to see you! Annette: Oh, it's nice to see you! [Later...] [Loud rock music still playing. It's Annette's band, The Garanimals.] Jenny: The band... Annette: Yeah, this is the band, this is me. This is my band. The Garanimals! Jenny: (jumping up and down) The band! Annette: Do you love it? Do we rock? Jenny: It's good! It's - it's, it's good, yeah, yeah, yeah - Annette: (smiling) We rock. Right? Forget it, you think I sold out with the real estate thing. Jenny: No, I think you're turning into a suit! Annette: Yeah, I'm a real estate broker. Look, it's cool to do something stupid and make a lot of money, and, uh, then you can do whatever the hell you want. Allright? Jenny: (smiling) Allright. Okay, okay. [Annette and Jenny smile and laugh at each other. Annette sits down.] Annette: I love your apartment, by the way. Jenny: You do? Do you think it has good energy? Annette: (smiling) I think it's a tool shed. INT. - DAN FOXWORTHY'S OFFICE - NIGHT [Dan walks around the group.] Dan: If I take more responsibilities for my choices and actions today... [Dan pats Matt on the head.] Matt: I will stop blaming Charlie for my low self-esteem. [Tina looks at Bette. Bette sits hunched forward, uninterested, and checks her watch.] Dan: Sometimes I keep myself passive when I... [Dan pats Tina on the head.] Tina: Let Bette make all the financial decisions in our lives. [Yolanda, a member of the group, eyes Bette's discomfort. Bette sits back, frowning, looking immensely unhappy and uncomfortable.] Tina: Even though we agreed that we - Dan: That's good, Tina. Just a simple, declarative statement. No need to elaborate at this stage. [Bette sits in her chair, extremely closed off to this experience. She's turned away from Tina.] INT. - THE GARAGE - NIGHT [Annette and Jenny are milling around, shooting the breeze.] Jenny: Why couldn't I have been born with a trust fund, you know? All I wanna do is just sit at this desk and just write and... Annette: That's because most people with trust funds aren't tortured enough to write. [Jenny takes off her work shirt to change.] Annette: So, um, are you and Tim still having s*x? Jenny: Uh... Annette: Were you having s*x when you broke up? Or did you break up out of boredom? Jenny: Okay. [Jenny slips a shirt on. Annette lays on the couch.] Annette: Did you have a lot of angry s*x? That's kinda hot. Jenny: Can we please, please, please not talk about Tim? It's the worst mood killer. [Jenny sits at the coffee table and picks up a glass.] Annette: Thank god. Because, I've gotta tell ya. Back in college? Do you have any idea how hard it was to get any sleep in a bed ten feet away from you guys doin' it? I mean, I was mildly disgusted by his bulging muscles. And his little... his little grunts of pleasure... [Jenny takes a sip from her drink and covers her ear.] Annette: "Oh..." (makes faces) "Ohh... oh Jenny... oh Jenny, Jenny" Jenny: No, no, no, no, stop, stop. Annette: What? Jenny: It's evil to say bad things about Tim. Annette: Oh, for god's sakes, what is this? Jenny: It is. Annette: You guys gonna get back together in a week? I mean, you've been banished to the tool shed to do your penance, and then he's gonna let you back into his hallowed bed? Jenny: No. It's done, it's over. Annette: It's over? Jenny: (waves hand) Fini! INT. - DAN FOXWORTHY'S OFFICE - NIGHT [A lone chair sits in the center of the room. One by one, members of the group are asked to sit in it and express their feelings. Dan addresses the person sitting there.] Dan: My greatest fear about being a parent is... Charlie: That our child will... seem like an alien to us. And... will seem like an alien to him. (a beat) Or her. [Later...] Matt: That I'd be bored. Being a stay-at-home dad. And I'd start to blame Charlie. [Later...] Oscar: That Alma will never really accept Hector as our child. [Later...] Alma: That Hector will... continue to be a troubled child. [Later...] Yolanda: That my daughter will feel angry with me for not giving her a father. [Later...] [The chair is empty, waiting for the next person. Dan clears his throat. Bette looks at the group. The group looks at her.] Bette: Pass. Dan: Okay. Let's move on. Tina? [Later...] [Tina is in the chair.] Tina: Uh... (chuckles) I know Bette and I must have some fears, because, uh... [Bette stares at Tina, arms crossed.] Tina: ... otherwise, what would we be doing in this group? But, we're pretty comfortable with the whole lesbian parent thing. I guess our greatest fear would be... whether or not Bette's father will accept our child. Yeah. That's it. That Bette's father won't consider, um... our baby to be his grandchild. [Bette's "I have better things to be doing" expression softens a little. Tina gets up and goes back to her seat.] Dan: Now. The next exercise. Bette: My greatest fear about being a parent is... [The group looks up at Bette.] Bette: ... that I, uh, won't be a... good enough... provider. Dan: That's good, Bette. Takes time to build trust in the group. [Bette and Tina smile at each other.] Dan: Eventually, it'll be easier to say what you really mean to say. INT. - THE GARAGE - NIGHT [Annette pulls something out of her bag. It's a bottle of wine.] Annette: I... went on a 3 day wine tour. Jenny: Whoa! Wine! Good! Annette: (showing bottle) This is really yummy. Jenny: Okay, we gotta go to Tim's to get the corkscrew. Annette: No sh1t? Where is he? Jenny: On a recruiting trip. Annette: Oh, goody. Oh, this is gonna be so much fun, because we can snoop to our heart's content, right? Jenny: (smiling) (nodding) Yes. Annette: We can go through his drawers. Read his mail. Put on his pants! Jenny: Maybe! Annette: Weee! [Annette and Jenny head out to the back door of Tim's house.] EXT. - TIM'S HOUSE - BACKYARD - NIGHT [Jenny runs up to Tim's back porch and pulls a chair up to the door.] Annette: I'm gonna dance topless on his table, baby. What are you doing? Jenny: (standing in chair) I'm getting the key. Annette: Oh, okay. Jenny: Thank you, Tim. [Jenny starts to feel around the top of the door for the key.] Annette: So, do you think he's really on a recruiting trip, or do you think he's in some little love nest with another woman? Jenny: No... [Jenny has the key. She steps down off the chair and pushes it away.] Annette: I'm just asking. Jenny: Not... (sighs) Annette: Uh-oh. What? What is this face? [Jenny unlocks and opens the door.] Annette: Is there another woman? Jenny: Sort of. INT. - DAN FOXWORTHY'S OFFICE - NIGHT [Everyone is laying down on pillows, in a circle, with their heads near each other. The lights are off.] Oscar: Not everything is about furthering my political career. Yolanda: Really. Well, you wouldn't know that to hear you speak publicly. Oscar: (sighs) These are two very separate issues for me. This kid has been bounced around from group home to a foster home, to the shelter. I've worked with him for a couple of years, and I know that. If he doesn't get into a good family, then he is a goner. Tina: I think it's really admirable to adopt a needy child. Bette and I wanted to adopt originally. Oscar: So why didn't you? Bette: (sighs) Because some girl from the Midwest who hasn't even met a lesbian and who thinks we have horns isn't about to choose us as the adoptive parents for her baby. It's just the way the system works right now. Yolanda: That's only if you're set on getting a newborn white baby. Alma: (to Yolanda) What's wrong with a white person wanting a white baby? Bette: I think most people want to have a family that looks like the family that they grew up in. [Yolanda sits up and looks at Bette.] Dan: Yolanda? You have something you want to say to Bette? Yolanda: (to Dan) I do. (to Bette) You talk so proud and... forthright about being a lesbian. But you never once refer to yourself as an African-American woman. [Bette huffs.] Yolanda: All I hear you saying is that white people should only take care of white babies. [Yolanda lays back down. Bette sits up.] Bette: I said nothing of the kind. In fact, I was just about to say that Tina and I chose an African-American donor because it was important to us to have a family that reflects who we are. [Yolanda sits up.] Yolanda: Before you can reflect who you are, you have to be who you are. I mean, look, they're wondering what the hell we're talking about because they didn't even know you were a black woman. (laying down) I think before you have a child, you need to reflect on what it is you're saying to the world while hiding so behind the lightness of your skin. [Bette smiles and shakes her head.] Bette: (calm) You know... you know nothing about me. You don't know how I grew up. You don't know how I live my life. Yolanda: That's because you - Dan: Yolanda? Bette? I'm going to have to ask you to save this 'til Thursday. Now we'll, uh, we'll pick it up during freestyle. Good work, everyone. [Dan turns on the lamp. Bette is the first one up, followed by the others.] Oscar: (to Tina) Hey. Tell Bette not to let Yolanda get to her too much. She's just trying to figure her out. See if she has an ally. Stick around. You know, in a couple weeks, you'll actually start looking forward to it. Tina: (smiling) Oh, no, no. (standing up) We both thought it was, um, really interesting. Oscar: We? (standing up) You haven't even had a chance to talk to Bette about it yet. [Tina looks across the room. Bette waits impatiently with their things.] Tina: (to Oscar) Oh, yeah. Um. I thought it was really interesting. And, um, I'll talk to Bette about it, and then we'll both decide what we want to do. Oscar: Hmp. Tina: Better? Oscar: Mm-hmm. [Tina smiles, then leaves.] Oscar: See ya. INT. - TIM'S HOUSE - NIGHT [Jenny and Annette are sitting on Tim's couch, listening to Tim's stereo, drinking Annette's wine, talking.] Annette: Oh, my god! That is... I mean... well, I'm so glad it was you and not Tim who went out and did the nasty. You know? So, like, what did, where'd - where'd you meet him? What does he do? What is he... what is he? What does he look like? Jenny: At a party. Annette: Yeah. (sips wine) Jenny: Uh... owns a cafe. Annette: (nods) That's cool. Jenny: Annette, I'm not proud of what I did. It was really shitty. Annette: What... is he funny? Jenny: (shaking head) Definitely not. Annette: Smart? Jenny: I don't know. Annette: But hot. Jenny: (looks at Annette) Marina's definitely hot. [Jenny smiles. Annette eye's bulge.] Annette: (slowly) Ma-ri-na. (smiling) Whoa. Dude. That's the one thing I haven't done! (laughs) What are you gonna call her in the story? (sips wine) Jenny: No, I didn't do it because of that. God, I didn't do this... for something to write about. [Jenny wipes at her eyes.] Annette: Jenny? [Jenny smiles, staring straight ahead.] Annette: Hey. Jenny: (whispering) (smiling) What? Annette: (whispering) Look at me. [Jenny turns to Annette, tears in her eyes.] Annette: Oh, my god. [Jenny wipes tears.] Annette: She broke your heart. Jenny: (sighs) f*ck. EXT. - THE PLANET - DAY [People are outside the cafe, enjoying the weather.] INT. - THE PLANET - DAY [Alice, Shane and Marina are inside talking to Dana, and looking at her new Subaru magazine ad. It's a picture of Dana playing tennis. The words "GET OUT. AND STAY OUT." are above her. Dana looks at the ad, but doesn't seem happy.] Alice: You look great! Marina: I love it! Shane: Hey, Dana, you look really good. Marina: Look at you! Alice: It's awesome! Marina: Oh, I need you to sign it. Make it out to, uh, Francesca and I. Dana: Okay. [Dana sets the magazine down on the bar and proceeds to sign the ad.] Alice: (to Marina) She's back? Shane: Oh, well, then you should bring her to Twat. We have to take her. Marina: (to Dana) Make it really special. Alice: Yeah, sign it, Dana Fairbanks, Professional Lesbian. [Dana rolls her eyes at Alice.] Alice: Oh, c'mon. It's going wide next week. It's gonna be in every magazine you read. Marina: That's amazing. You won't be able to keep the girls away. [Marina makes meowing noises.] Marina: (to Dana) Your parents must be so proud. Alice: Dana... did you not do it? Marina: You didn't come out to your parents yet? [Dana clenches her jaw, looking extremely worried.] Shane: Well, I think Subaru's gonna do it for you. Alice: You didn't tell 'em? You didn't tell 'em. [Dana leans on the counter and puts her face in her hands.] Alice: Allright, you know what, you have to do this today, 'cause - Dana: I can't do it today, Al. My mom's getting that award from her women's group, or whatever. Marina: (to Dana) Your mother belongs to a women's group? That's good. Alice: (to Marina) Uh-uh. Orange County Republican Women's Coalition. Marina: Aye coño. I'm sorry. [Alice, Shane and Marina laugh. Dana huffs and walks off.] Alice: Dana, c'mon. We weren't laughing. [Alice gets up and goes after Dana.] Alice: Oh, god. Dana, talk to me, I wanna help! Dana: Just... I can't believe my life right now, you know? I f*cked up so bad with Lara and you guys are all laughing at me. [Dana stops by the bathroom door and turns around to Alice.] Dana: I just, I can't handle it! Alice: Allright, allright, okay. I'm sorry. I feel like an asshole. [Dana leans against the wall and frowns.] Alice: I have an idea. Ready? Listen to me. I'm gonna come with you. Dana: I can't do it. Alice: No, I'm coming. I'm gonna be with you, and you're gonna tell your mom and dad before your mother gets the award. Okay? Just plain. "Mom, dad, I'm a lesbian." (shrugs) No big deal. Just like that. 'Cause there's no way your parents are gonna make a scene in front of all those people. [The bathroom door opens and a girl comes out.] Alice: (to Dana) I can look Republican. INT. - BETTE & TINA'S HOUSE - BEDROOM - DAY [Tina is laying on the bed, eating. She's got the laptop and is researching Yolanda on the internet. Bette is in the bathroom, getting ready.] Bette: (brushing hair) Who the hell does she think she is? I mean, I'm a total stranger to her. She knows nothing about my race politics, nothing about my self-identification, nothing. [Closeup of the laptop's screen. It's a webpage that reads "Yolanda Watkins" at the top and has some pictures of book covers and some notes below.] Tina: She's a writer. Yolanda Watkins. I Googled her. [Bette pokes her head out of the bathroom.] Tina: Teaches at UCLA. She's published 3 volumes of poetry and 2 books of non-fiction. Including, uh-huh, "Sistah, Stand Up". We're gonna have some fun with her. Bette: We? You're not the one she jumped all over. Tina: I was just as upset about it as you are, baby. Bette: (grabbing coat) I don't think so, Tina. It was my whole life she was attacking. My life. [Bette leaves.] INT. - TIM'S HOUSE - BATHROOM - DAY [Annette is at the sink, getting cleaned up. Jenny sits on the floor against the wall nearby.] Annette: So... Jen... were you always a lesbian? Jenny: I never said I was a lesbian. Annette: So it just... came outta nowhere and bit ya on the ass? Just like that? Because I mean, y'know... (turns to Jenny) I love women. Yeah, for companionship, I figure I could do without the company of men entirely. Except, dude... (shakes head) can't get down with the puss. I love a dick. Jenny: I think I'm bisexual. Annette: Oh, brother. Jenny: I do. I really do. Annette: Jenny. Is this just your way of telling me that you had a huge crush on me in college? Jenny: Annette. [Annette looks down at Jenny.] Jenny: No. Annette: You're lying. [Jenny laughs. Annette goes back to the mirror.] Annette: You're madly in love with me. Well, I've got to get a look at this Marina. See if she's worth it. Jenny: No... Annette: Yeah! Jenny: Oh, no... Annette: (turns to Jenny) Yeah, man, we gotta stalk her! We'll just stalk her a little bit, just so I can see! Jenny: No, no, no stalking. Annette: Why? Jenny: Because, um... her girlfriend's back in town. Annette: Her girlfriend? Jenny: I know. Annette: Does this just keep getting better? Jenny: She told me that she had a girlfriend after Tim left me. [Annette looks down. Her shoulders fall.] Jenny: But, you know what? I would have done everything in the exact same way I did it now. I would've. Annette: Okay, is there any more to this story? Jenny: (waving hands) No! Annette: Fine. This is what I think. (turns back to mirror) I gotta see this woman. And you gotta stake out the competition. Jenny: Oh, no... Annette: I'm serious. Listen, you're not gonna take this sitting down. If you're really in love... Jenny: I don't know if I'm in love. Annette: Whatever. You gotta go out guns blazing. You know what I mean? You gotta stand up and fight for the... the... Jenny: What? Annette: Whatever with the... what's the girlfriend's name? Jenny: Francesca Wolff. Annette: Oh, barf. (turns back to mirror) Jenny: I know, right? Annette: Well, fine. Francesca's going down. INTERSTITIAL - SCENES OF L.A. [Traffic on a busy commercial street, retailers and restaurants.] INT. - THE PLANET - DAY [Kit is talking to a man named Duane Washington and reading a piece of paper.] Duane: We're gonna be shooting the video in about 3 weeks. So, our people will be in touch with you to work on the details. Kit: Oh, that's sweet! Y'know, hey, I'm down with it! [Bette approaches.] Bette: Hey. Kit: Hey, baby girl! (to Duane) Uh, Duane, I want you to meet my little sister, Bette. (to Bette) Bette, this is Duane Washington, of Ben's Box Records. [Bette and Duane shake hands.] Duane: Hi. Bette: (smiling) Hi. Nice to meet you. [Bette spots the paper lying on the counter.] Bette: And what's this? Duane: I work with Slim Daddy. He's gonna sample "Its the Real Thing" on his next album. [Kit squeaks with excitement.] Bette: (to Kit) Whoa, fantastic! (to Duane) (smiling) Do you mind if I take a look? [Duane nods for her to go ahead. Bette picks up the paper and starts to read.] Kit: Hey, who would have thought that a song that I wrote in 1986 would be sampled by Slim Daddy in 2004! [Bette chuckles as she reads.] Bette: (to Duane) And a thousand dollars is all you're offering my sister for unlimited use of her song? Duane: Standard contract for a sample. [Bette looks at Kit.] Kit: Hey, I'm down with the deal! Bette: (to Duane) Well, are you gonna give her a percentage of the song's revenues? (to Kit) I think we should have a lawyer look at this, and then we can get it back to Duane in a couple of days. Kit: Uh... [Duane snatches the contract from Bette.] Duane: This is pretty much a non-negotiable offer. [Kit takes the contract from Duane and signs it.] Kit: (chuckling) Here ya go. [Duane takes the contract and puts it in his briefcase.] Kit: Hey, let me know when you're gonna be doing that video, okay? Okay. [Duane walks off.] Duane: (to Bette) Nice to meet you. Bette: Nice to meet you... Kit: (to Bette) You almost f*cked that up for me! Bette: f*cked that up for you? I was trying to help you! You said yourself you don't always make the best decisions. Kit: (huffs) Well, in this case, thanks, but no thanks! [Bette starts to walk off, then stops.] Bette: Y'know, I talked to David yesterday. Kit: (sighs) And what did he want? Bette: He said he came to meet you. He walked in, saw you sitting at the bar, having a drink, and he left. Kit: What? You were there, you know I wasn't drinking! Bette: I must've been in the bathroom when he came in. Kit: (flustered) You know I wasn't drinking. [Bette doesn't answer.] Kit: Oh, nice. You always gotta take me down a notch. You know, why can't you just say, y'know, "Well done, Kit, Slim Daddy wants to sample one of your songs and you've gone through a terrible situation the other night. Without a drink." You can't even give me that, can you? ELSEWHERE AT THE PLANET - [Clive ducks over to a vacant table and goes through someone's bag that's sitting on the ground. He looks around nervously, then pulls cash out of a billfold. He quickly stuffs the billfold back in the bag. Shane walks up.] Shane: Hello. Clive: Hey... (standing) I was... just looking for a cigarette. Guess I should've asked, huh? Shane: Yeah. [Clive sits at the table.] Shane: Hey, Clive, have you noticed all those banners that are around the house that say smoking kills women, and if I'm right I think there's one over the toilet, no? Clive: Yeah. (sips drink) Shane: They don't smoke. Clive: (to self) Duh. [Clive gets up and leaves. Shane watches him.] INTERSTITIAL - SCENES OF L.A. [Traffic on a busy street in a financial district.] INT. - THE C.A.C. - DAY [Bette is putting on her jacket to leave. James jogs after her.] James: Bette! Uh, there's a call on Line 1. I think you might want to take it. Bette: Ugh, can you take a message? I'm late for lunch. James: Uh, I - I think you should take it. Bette: (sighs) God. [Bette walks back to the reception desk and picks up the phone.] Bette: (phone) This is Bette Porter. Man: (phone) Are you the person in charge of the museum? Bette: (phone) I am. Man: (phone) Do you believe in Jesus Christ, ma'am? (a beat) Because God will punish you for putting up that blasphemous filth in your museum. You, and all those involved, are gonna burn in hell. You hear me? You're all gonna burn in hell. [The man hangs up. A dial tone is heard. Bette puts the phone down.] Receptionist: (to Bette) That's the fifth call today. We thought you should know. [Bette sighs and begins to leave.] Bette: Just, uh... keep a record of the calls. Okay? [Bette walks to the door, and stops. She looks back at James and the receptionist, then pushes the door open and walks out.] EXT. - THE PLANET - DAY [Jenny gets out of her car, which is parked on the curb. When she opens the driver's door, a man on a bicycle crashes into it. He falls to the ground.] Jenny: (screams) Oh, my god! (getting out of car) Oh, my god, I killed him! Bicyclist: (angry) f*cking bitch! Are you f*cking blind? [Annette gets out of the car and comes over. The bicyclist starts to get up.] Jenny: (to bicyclist) I am so sorry. [Annette and Jenny get closer to him.] Bicyclist: (yelling) Get away from me! [Jenny and Annette jump back.] Jenny: Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! [Jenny looks horrified.] Annette: (to bicyclist) There is no need to be so aggressive. Okay? Bicyclist: (yelling) f*ck you! Annette: (to Jenny) It was a mistake, it was a mistake. Bicyclist: Hey, f*ck you, you cow! Annette: (mad) "f*ck you?" Bicyclist: f*cking f*ck you! Annette: You are a f*ckin' nutcase! Bicyclist: You're a f*ckin' menace! [Francesca suddenly approaches.] Francesca: Can I help? This doesn't seem to be going anywhere. (to bicyclist) Are you okay? Bicyclist: (rubbing arm) Yeah. Francesca: (kneeling) Are you injured, should we get you to a hospital? Bicyclist: No, I'm fine, but thank you for asking. (to Jenny/Annette) (angry) It's about time someone did! Annette: Yeah, you didn't give us a chance, ya freak. [The bicyclist jumps to his feet. Francesca jumps in front of him, between him and Annette.] Francesca: Hey! Well, you're obviously in one piece. You sure know how to fall. I mean, you must be in amazing shape. Bicyclist: (picking up bike) Uh, thanks. Francesca: You sure you can ride? Bicyclist: Yeah, I can. Not sure they can. (to Jenny) Learn to drive. [He rides off on his bicycle.] Annette: Thank you for that. There's no talking to people like that. Francesca: Appeal to their vanity. Works every time. Be careful. [Francesca walks off.] [Jenny just stands there, staring into space in shock. Annette snaps her fingers in front of her face.] EXT. - THE L.A. FREEWAY - DAY [The L.A. freeway, packed with traffic.] Dana: (offscreen) Okay. Alice: (offscreen) Okay. Dana: (offscreen) Okay. Alice: (offscreen) Allright. EXT. - HOTEL - EVENING [Cars are pulling up for the valet parking.] Alice: (offscreen) Let's review the strategy one more time. Dana: (offscreen) Allright. Alice: (offscreen) We exchange pleasantries. Dana: (offscreen) Mom tells me how thin I look. INT. - HOTEL - DANA'S CAR (A SUBARU) - EVENING [Dana pulls her car up. Dana and Alice are both dressed very conservatively, especially Alice, who's in a pink sweater and pearls, with her hair done up.] Alice: Your father asks how your career is going? [Alice puts on lipstick in the rearview mirror.] Dana: Right. Alice: Right? You tell them. Dana: Right. Just - Alice: Just blurt it out. Dana: Before lunch. Before mom gets the award. Alice: (nods) Right. And she'll keep it together. She's not going on that stage with her mascara running. Let's do it. Let's go. Dana: Okay. Okay. [Alice gets. Dana sits for a moment longer and takes a deep breath.] [SCENE_BREAK] INT. - HOTEL - DAY [Piano music plays. People are congregating. A couple of posters show pictures of Dana's mom. They read, "Sharon Fairbanks, Woman of the Year."] [Sharon is talking to someone when she sees Dana and Alice approach.] Sharon: Oh, would you look at these beautiful ladies who've come all the way who've come all the way from Beverly Hills to be in my luncheon! [Sharon hugs Dana.] Dana: I don't live in Beverly Hills, mom. Sharon: Oh, you're so thin. Alice, you look wonderful as always! [Sharon hugs Alice.] Alice: Congrats, Sharon. You must be great Republicans! [Dana sees her father standing nearby.] Dana: Hi, dad! Sharon: You've missed the reception. We'll just have to go ahead and sit down to lunch. [Sharon pulls Howie, Dana's little brother, by his lapels.] Sharon: Howie, have you said hello to your sister? Howie: Hey. Dana: Hey, Howe! [They all go into the luncheon. Before Alice and Dana enter, Howie suddenly turns around and waves a copy of Dana's Subaru ad around. Dana gasps.] Howie: Ooooh! Dana: (grabbing ad) Oh, sh1t! (to Alice) sh1t, sh1t, sh1t, sh1t! Alice: It's okay. Go. [Alice takes the ad from her. They go in.] INTERSTITIAL - SCENES OF L.A. [Traffic on a busy street, with shops, apartments, houses in the hills.] EXT. - THE PLANET - DAY [Annette and Jenny are sitting at a table outside. Annette is peeking at Marina through the window. Jenny tries not to look.] Annette: See, all I can see right now is her butt. Which is nice for a girl, but you know, I'm not an expert in women's asses. C'mon. Turn around. [Marina turns around. She's on the phone.] Jenny: Please... Annette: (re: Marina) Wow. Wow. Jenny: Can we go now? Annette: No, no, keep your panties on, seriously. I'm trying to wrap my head around... I just, I wanna ask you something. Jenny: What? Annette: (looking at Marina) You had s*x with that woman? Jenny: Please? Annette: You slept with that woman? Jenny: Please? Annette: Did you go down on her? And everything? Jenny: Please. Annette: No, this is important. Do girls still look pretty when they're getting eaten out? Jenny: Okay... Annette: Because guys are just so dorky when you're giving them blowjobs. [Francesca walks by, into the cafe.] Francesca: (smiling) Hello again. Annette/Jenny: Hi. [Annette starts to giggle.] Jenny: (whispering) Okay. We have to go now. [In the cafe, Francesca walks up to Marina. Marina smiles. They put their arms around each other.] Jenny: Annette, it's not funny. Oh, please... Annette: (watching Francesca/Marina) Jenny - Jenny. Jenny: What? [Jenny looks through the window and sees Francesca and Marina. The two women are embracing, talking, being affectionate.] Jenny: Oh, my god. It's Francesca. [Jenny sits stunned. Marina glances to the window and sees her.] INT. - HOTEL - LUNCHEON - DAY [A roomful of people sit at tables. Wait staff are gathering up the leftovers from the luncheon. Alice drinks from her wine glass, then Howie takes it from her.] Woman: Mm, Dana? You must be so proud of your mother. Do you know that she raised more money last year for our candidates than anybody else in the club? [Sharon blushes.] Dana: Oh, no, I am very... proud. Yeah. [A couple of women come up to Sharon to congratulate her. Dana glances at her brother. He waggles his tongue at her between his two fingers. She knits her brow at him, grossed out.] Women: We just wanted to say congratulations, Sharon. Sharon: Oh, thank you so much. [Later...] [Alice and the Fairbanks family line up at the buffet table. Alice nods at Dana to do it now.] Howie: Aw, dad. (chuckles) Irwin: Ooh, I'll just take these drinks. Howie: Oh, sorry about that. (chuckles) Dana: Mom, dad. Irwin: Mm-hmm. Sharon: Mm-hmm? Dana: Uh, Howe. There's something I wanted to talk to you guys about. (sighs) Um... Howie: Uh, Dana? Do you have a boyfriend, by any chance? [Dana frowns and rolls her eyes.] Sharon: Howie! Don't be a pain. I'm sure if Dana had a boyfriend, he'd be right here with us. (to Dana) No. She was like I was when I was young. When you're good at something, men are intimidated. You've gotta wait for the right one to come along. [Irwin and Sharon smile and chuckle. Alice grabs a piece of cake and starts to dig in.] Sharon: (to Dana) What was it you were saying, dear? [A woman, Marianne, approaches Dana at the buffet table. She holds out a copy of the Subaru ad, in the middle of the latest Advocate.] Marianne: Excuse me? Uh, I want an autograph. I'm sorry to interrupt. This seemed like my best chance. [Dana looks at Alice, worried. She quickly takes the magazine.] Marianne: Well, you must be so proud. (to Dana) Hi. Dana: Hi, how are you. [Dana hurriedly signs the ad.] Sharon: Oh, Dana, you know Marianne. [Sharon sees the ad and stops mid-word.] Sharon: (looking at ad) God... Howie: Dana. Marianne: It's my son. Dana: To your son. Marianne: My son Bruce, he gave me this magazine. And he knew that your mother was friends with me. Dana: Oh. [Dana quickly signs then closes the magazine and hands it back to Marianne.] Marianne: Oh. We've come such a long way, haven't we? Howie: Oh, sh1t. Sharon: Howie! Dana! Dana: What? Sharon: Sweetie... (chuckling) what was that? [Sharon looks from Dana, to Alice. Alice takes a bite of cake.] Dana: Mm... [Dana looks nervously at Alice, then at Howie.] Dana: (to Sharon) My Subaru ad. [Everyone's quiet for a moment.] Irwin: Every time something wonderful happens to you, you downplay it. Now, that ad was very impressive. Sharon: Honey! Honey, when were you going to tell us? [Dana's jaw drops.] Sharon: I mean, a few more surprises like that and I could keel over from a heart attack! (laughing) Dana: Hu - I - I've - Alice: It's your day! It's your day. Y'know? She didn't wanna steal the thunder! She didn't wanna take it away! [Dana smiles, a load of worry off her shoulders. Everyone smiles at her.] Irwin: Oh, always thinking of other people. That's my girl. Sharon: Ohh... Howie: Hm, yeah! Dana: (nodding) Yeah! Howie: Heyyy! Sharon: I just can't wait to tell your aunt Sasha and the boys. I'm sure she hasn't seen it yet, otherwise she'd be screaming. [Everyone laughs, Dana especially.] Dana: I'm sure she would be! Sharon: Oh, what did it say again, dear? It said, uh... what was... oh, "Get out and stay out!" (laughs) Dana: (nervous) Yeah... Sharon: I'm not really sure what that means. Dana: Uh... [Dana tosses a peach in the air, nervously. Dana looks at Alice, then back at her mother.] Dana: ... it means, uh... It's a marketing campaign for, uh, women. Who are like me. Who, uh... who are... out. Doorsy. Outside a lot. [Howie rolls his eyes.] Dana: Who - playing tennis! You know? Sharon: (laughs) Oh! Dana: Things like that, you know. Um... you know what, I'm just - I'm not hungry all of a sudden. Uh, can you just give me a minute? Just a minute. I'm just gonna - [Dana glances at Alice. Alice nods.] Sharon: Sure. Dana: I'll be - I'll be back. Okay, just... (laughs) [Alice leads Dana into the bathroom.] INT. - HOTEL - BATHROOM - DAY [Alice and Dana are in two stalls.] Alice: Okay, I'm pretty sure they have no idea what it means. Dana: Ya think? Alice: Or they totally get it, and just went into some black hole of denial. Turned into robots or something. [They leave the stalls and go to the sinks.] Dana: You don't understand how within the realm of possibility that is. Alice: Look, maybe they get it, maybe they don't. I don't know. But right now, they're really proud of you, and I'm thinking this is the moment. Do you wanna practice? Dana: Okay. Alice: Okay. Um... [Alice holds up her hands, as if they're puppets.] Alice: This'll be Sharon, and this'll be Irwin. Dana: Okay. Alice: Go ahead. [Dana stares at Alice's hands.] Dana: That's retarded. Alice: Would you just play? (raises pitch of voice, moves hand) "I'm not really sure what that means, honey - Get out and stay out." [Dana raises her eyebrows at Alice. Alice waits for Dana's reply to her hand puppet. Dana turns and walks out of the bathroom. Alice turns one of her hand puppets to herself.] Alice: What are you lookin' at? INT. - HOTEL - LUNCHEON - DAY [Applause. A woman is on a small stage, at a small podium. Behind her, on the wall, is a blue banner proclaiming "Woman of the Year".] Woman: (microphone) Thank... you. [The mic feeds back a little.] Woman: Ladies and gentlemen. Would you please join me in welcoming to the stage, our own woman of the year, Sharon Fairbanks. [Applause. Sharon goes up to the stage. Dana comes back to the table. Irwin takes his daughter's hand and kisses it.] Irwin: What a day to be proud of my girls. Sharon: (microphone) Thank you so much. I feel... so honored to be standing here in front of you and my family. [The camera pans around at some blown-up photos of Sharon with Irwin, Dana and Howie, and Sharon as a young woman... with her horse, in her riding gear, holding a trophy. She's THE Sharon, from the opening scenes.] Sharon: (microphone) I can't tell you what a - a precious moment this is. For the last 8 years... EXT. - HOTEL - DAY [Alice and Dana step outside on the veranda.] Alice: You're making yourself crazy. Maybe we should abort. Who's smoking? Somebody's smoking. [Alice turns around. Howie approaches them. He has a lit joint.] Howie: What up, lesbos? Alice: Thank god. [Alice takes a toke off the joint. Howie puts his arm around their shoulders.] Dana: sh1t, Howie, what're you doing? Howie: What? Alice: (passing joint) Here. Dana: No. No, no, no. Alice: It might help you relax a little bit, you know? [Alice exhales. Howie takes a toke off the joint.] Howie: (to Dana) Oh. D-Dog. I... gotta tell ya. When mom and dad disown you and all... I'll... still come and visit. Dana: (smiling) Thanks, bro. Howie: (re: joint) Here. Dana: (takes joint) Okay. Howie: Yeah, go for it. EXT. - NEAR THE PLANET - DAY [Annette and Jenny are parked in Jenny's car, down the street. Annette is turned around in the passenger seat with a pair of binoculars, spying on Francesca and Marina, who are about to get into Marina's car. Francesca stops to give Marina something.] Annette: (looking through binocs) Wait a minute. (gasps) Oh... oh, she bought her a watch. Oh, it's a Mont Blanc. (to Jenny) Those are very expensive. Do you want to see? Jenny: Annette? Annette, we're officially stalking someone, which makes us kind of crazy and insane. [Jenny takes a few drinks from her flask.] Annette: (looking through binocs) You know what? I think you can take her down. [Jenny turns around and holds her arm out.] Jenny: Look at her. She's f*cking beautiful, man. [Francesca helps Marina into the passenger seat of her convertible.] Jenny: She drives vintage Mercedes. She's like Belmondo, in, like, this Godard film. You know? I live out of a garbage bag. I live in a tool shed. Annette: Okay, here's what I see. Okay. Jenny: What do you see? Annette: Francesca is buying Marina's affections. Jenny: Mm-hmm. Annette: You're way younger. Jenny: Yes. Annette: You're way hotter. Jenny: Yes. Annette: And why do you think she came looking for you in the first place? Jenny: Why? Annette: Because it's over between them. Jenny: Look at 'em, man. Look at 'em, there's love in their eyes. They have that chchdrmboom - Annette: Twat! Jenny: No more twat. No more twat for me. Twat gets me into trouble. Annette: Twat the Night. You idiot. We go, together. You and me. We look all hot, right? We get ya all dolled up, like the Jenny that I used to know, Marina sees us, maybe she gets a little bit jealous, starts a comparison chart... Jenny: Maybe a bad idea? Maybe a little bit - Annette: Worst case scenario: She thinks you have a hot, new girlfriend, and you and me get loaded. But if everything goes according to plan, ol' Fran will be getting her walking papers by the end of the night. INT. - HOTEL - DAY [Howie and Alice walk back in, high as kites, chuckling. They look around, but don't see Dana.] Alice: Allright, I was at this, um... [Alice and Howie spot Dana sitting in restaurant with her parents, look stunned and upset. Dana is talking, but we can't make out what she's saying, just that her tone of voice sounds worried and desperate.] Alice: (to Howie) Oh, f*ck... oh, my god. Wow... [Sharon gets up abruptly and walks off. Dana reaches for her.] Dana: (crying) No, mom... mom, you didn't do anything. Mom... mom... [Sharon steps out of the restaurant and steadies herself on the wall. She glances around, then walks out. Dana quickly turns to her father, who's getting up to leave.] Dana: Dad... it's not what... just let me explain. [Irwin ignores Dana and walks quickly out of the restaurant. Dana runs after him, crying.] Dana: (crying) Please let me explain. Irwin: (walking away) I think you've said enough already. [Irwin stops when he sees Alice.] Irwin: (to Alice) I take it you are part of this lifestyle, too? Alice: Me? No. No, I have a boyfriend. [Howie frowns at Alice and Dana looks disgusted at her. Alice shrugs, as if she didn't know what else to do. Dana heads out to catch her parents, but glares at Alice as she passes her.] Dana: A boyfriend? Thanks. EXT. - HOTEL - DAY [The valet brings the Fairbanks' car around. Irwin, Sharon and Howie get in. Dana runs to the car.] Dana: Mom, dad, wait. Wait! [Dana slaps the hood as she rushes to the passenger window to plead with her mother.] Dana: Wait. Wait, wait. Mom. [Dana knocks on the window.] Dana: I'm sorry. [Sharon rolls the window down halfway.] Dana: I didn't do this to hurt you. [Dana is crying. Her mother looks up at her.] Sharon: We all have feelings for our girlfriends, Dana. It doesn't mean you have to act on them. [Sharon rolls up the window. The car drives off. Dana stands in the driveway, completely crushed, crying. Alice walks out to her.] Alice: (whispering) Hey. You allright? Okay. [Alice puts her arms around Dana and walks her back inside.] INTERSTITIAL - NIGHTTIME SCENES OF L.A. [Traffic on a busy commercial street, people walking around.] EXT. - CITY STREET - NIGHT [Shane pulls down an alleyway in her truck and spots Clive walking down the street with his duffle bag over his shoulder.] Shane: Hey. (honks) Hey! [Clive keeps walking.] Shane: Why are you doing this sh1t, Clive, what's up? [Clive turns around.] Clive: What am I supposed to do? They kicked me out! I mean... I was just looking for a f*cking cigarette! Shane: So, if I was to look in your bag right now, I wouldn't find Marnie's CD player? [Clive angrily throws his bag at the truck. Shane gets out.] Shane: Do not throw this sh1t at me. [Shane slams the door, and picks up the bag. She throws it back just as hard.] Shane: Do not f*cking do that! If it's not there, that means you sold or traded it for drugs. (shoves Clive) Do not blame me! Clive: (angry) f*ck you! You are just like them. (a beat) Oh, Shane, please, you gotta help me. Shane: Oh, f*ck. (walks away) Clive: No, please, please. You gotta - (grabs Shane's arm) Please. Don't let them kick me out, okay? Look, s - say - tell 'em I'm cool, whatever, I just need a couple more days - Shane: (yanks arm away) You are out! I'm done! I can't! I can't. You f*cked it. I can't. (kicks bag) Take that. I cannot do that. [Clive looks at her sadly as if she's just ripped his heart out. Shane puts her hands to her face and paces.] Shane: (sighs)
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