Owen gets a perm, so Chief and Kat have to trick him into one of Chet's immersive Halloween mazes. Glenn's mouse Chilli dies. Blake doesn't understand modern idiomatic expressions. Guest star: Michael Winslow
Chief: Hey, Chet. Chet: Oh, hey, Chief. Chief: You know, I've been meaning to ask you, what do you do in your spare time? Chet: Oh, I like to build immersive Halloween mazes for the neighborhood kids. Chief: Oh. 5.08 - Spoiler Alert: Owen Gets a Perm Owen: You know, according to Omni Magazine, it's only a matter of time before they shrink us down to microscopic size and we can perform surgery from the inside. Cat: Owen, wake up and smell the program. Everything's already been invented. Owen: Maybe you're right. Cat: [ Gasps ] Oh, God! Your hair! What the hell? Chief: Oh, God. When did that happen? Owen: Oh, my new perm. It's pretty powerful, right? Cat: No, no, no. You do not get to do that. I mean, why would a man do such a thing to his hair? Chief: I know. It's arrogant. Cat: Thank you. Blake: What are we talking about? Cat: Owen's got a new look. It's atrocious. Wait till you see it. Chief: Spoiler alert... it's a perm. Blake: Right, right, right. Oh, because... Owen's spoiled. Like, he's a spoiled brat, and that's why he got a perm. [ Laughing ] [ Sighs ] Cat: You don't know what "spoiler alert" means, do you? Blake: Of course I do. I know all the current expressions, and I know how to use them, and I can communicate just like you guys. Watch. "Mm. That's too much information... on this." Chief: God, I hate Owen. Let's punish him. Cat: I have an idea, but it involves a staggering commitment of time and resources far out of proportion to the problem at hand. Chief: I'm in! What's the idea? Cat: Weren't you telling me that Chet likes to design immersive Halloween mazes for neighborhood kids or something? Chief: [ Gasps ] Blake: Mm. Hey, Glenn. Glad I caught you. Listen, I got this bilateral craniotomy this afternoon, and I'm like, "Don't go there." Will you do it for me? Glenn: That's a tough procedure, Blake. Blake: Well, yeah, but not for you. I mean, you're the best. [ Both laugh ] Glenn: Blake, I... I... I... I can't lie anymore. I'm not the best. I'm not even the good. Blake: Oh. Oh, okay. Uh, I'm... I'm... I'm listening to you. You can tell that because I'm making eye contact with you and I'm nodding. Glenn: Blake, I'm gonna tell you a secret. And I know I can trust you because you're probably not listening to me. I'm a terrible surgeon. That's the truth. The real surgeon is Chilli, my pet mouse who lives underneath my yarmulke. By pulling on my hair, he guides my hands. Blake: Like the movie "Ratatouille"? Glenn: That's right. Exactly like that. Exactly like the movie "Ratatouille." Blake: Glenn, that mouse is dead. Glenn: What? Oh, my God! Chilli! No! Blake: Spoiler alert? Chief: This kid's in bad shape. We're gonna need to do something... experimental. Cat: Are you suggesting we try the prototype micro-miniaturization machine? We're gonna need a doctor to be our micronaut. Chief: And it can't be me because of the high levels of cocaine in my system. Owen: Excuse me. If I heard you correctly, we have a machine that can shrink a man down and insert him into the human body? Chief: That's right. Thanks to a grant from Omni Magazine. Owen: Omni? They're the best. Cat: With Omni, science fiction can become science fact. I know this because I read it while on the toilet. Chief: But we don't have a volunteer. Oh! Owen: I know someone. Both: Who? Owen: He's 6'2" with the looks of a Greg Kinnear type, and his name is me... Dr. Owen Maestro. Dori: Oh, my God! Your perm! Oh, my God! [ Glass shatters ] Oh, my God! [ Screaming, crashing ] Hey! What are you doing?! Dori: Get out of the car! [ Car door slams, tires screech ] [ Tires screech, crashing ] [ Chicken clucks ] Cat: Okay, I need to warn you. This whole experience is gonna be very, very painful and very, very embarrassing. Are you ready? Owen: Yes, I am. Cat: In order for us to shrink you down and inject you into this little boy, we're gonna need to sandpaper your skin. Owen: Why? Chief: Dead skin cells slow down the miniaturization process. You read Omni, right? Owen: Of course. Aah! Such intense pain! It's so embarrassing! It's just as you described! Chief: Next, you have to eat this entire stick of unsalted butter. Owen: [ Groans, gags ] All of it? Chief: All of it! Cat: This is so great! Chief: I'm having such a good time with you right now. Hey, are you on Google Plus? Chet: Once he finishes the unsalted butter, we will send him on an immersive journey through the "human body." Cat: Do you think he'll buy it? Chet: I've been building haunted houses in my basement for neighborhood kids every Halloween for the past three years. I think I've picked up a few tricks along the way. Glenn: Chilli, you were... you were a good mouse and an even better surgeon. Take care of yourself, little buddy. [ Breathes deeply ] Blake, is there anything you'd like to say? Blake: That's what she said. Glenn: I need to head back and write my letter of resignation, so... Blake: I'm not gonna go with you. I want to... I want to stay out here. Glenn: Why? Blake: I'm better off living in the woods, okay? I just don't fit in up there. [ Breathes deeply ] I don't know. I mean... What do you think? Glenn: Oh. That sounds about right. I'll see you around. [SCENE_BREAK] Chet: In a few moments, we'll start the shrinking process. Owen: Let's make history. Chet: Step into the miniaturization pod. Owen: Almost reminds me of a prop from an immersive Halloween maze. Chet: Oh, are you into that sort of thing? Chief: Chet, calm down! Chet: Initiating miniaturization. Mr. Winslow, you're on. [ Imitates energy noises ] Owen: Whoa. Whoa! Uh-oh! Whoa! Whoa! Something's happening! I-I'm being shaken around a little bit. Whoa! I-I-I think I'm being shrunk down! [ Electricity crackles ] Aah! That feels like a very painful electric shock! Chet: Okay. The miniaturization process is now complete. We are now injecting you into the patient's bloodstream. Owen: Ohh! Close the curtains! Owen: Oh, my God. It's breathtaking. I have made my way to the carotid artery. [ Imitating heart beating ] Owen: I can actually hear the beating of the human heart. I need to figure out what I'm gonna wear to the Nobel Prize ceremony. Chief: [ Laughs ] Oh! I can't remember the last time I had this much fun. You're really special. Cat: This is fun, yeah. Chief: Yeah. Chet: Okay, my readings indicate that you're in a pure-air environment. Owen, you can take off your helmet if you want to. Owen: [ Breathes deeply ] This is exactly what I always imagined the inside of a young boy would smell like. Chief: Heads up, Owen. The patient just took a sip of scalding hot tea. Now! Owen: [ Screams ] My perm! And my flesh! Why would the patient be drinking tea right now?! Chet: [ Hisses ] Owen: [ Screams ] Chief: Chet! Cat: Uh, what's he doing? Owen: The patient has Draculas! I am terrified right now! Abort the procedure! Code red! Code red! [ Shouts, body thuds ] Cat: Oh, dear. Chief: Oh, God. Oh, no. Uh-oh. Cat: Okay. Just... Okay. Owen! Chief: Oh, God. He's in stage-four cardiac arrest. He needs to go to surgery, now! Prep the O.R.! Owen: I want...Glenn. He's the best. [ Echoing ] Glenn's the best. Glenn: "I, Dr. Glenn Richie, hereby resign due to the fact that I have no ability to perform surgery." Cat: Glenn, there's an emergency! Chief will explain! Chief: Owen's had a heart attack! He's requested you! Glenn: No, I won't do it. I can't do it. Blake: Yes, you can. I was in the woods, and it all became clear to me. Your mouse has been dead for weeks. Look. Glenn: You're right. Chilli has been dead for weeks. Blake: I wrote it down. Glenn: You wrote it down. I've been performing so many surgeries, I... I must've forgotten to feed him. Wait. That means... that I performed all those surgeries... by myself. Chief: Exactly. Those skills were always in you. You just need to learn to do it without the mouse. Glenn: Let's scrub up. [ Monitors beeping ] Glenn: And we're closed. [ Applause ] [ Chuckles ] Chief: You did it again, Glenn. You are still very much our best surgeon. Glenn: Well, this time, I had a little help. Ah-ah! Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah. [Laughs] Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah...Ah. Not from my dead mouse... but from a very live human being. Blake, I'm proud to call you my friend. Chief: And I have really enjoyed this day that you and I have had together, Cat. Cat: I feel like you're pushing it just a tiny bit now. Chief: Fair enough. Owen: And I owe you all an apology. It was wrong of me to get a new hairstyle. Cat: Yeah. Owen: And I totally understand how it was necessary for you guys to go to the lengths you did to show that to me. Anything less than a totally immersive human body experience, I probably wouldn't have gotten the message. Chet: Look, I've been making these things since 2010, so I think I have some idea of what I'm doing. [ Laughter ] Glenn: Blake, you want to join us at the noodle house tonight? Blake: Spoiler alert... I'll be there. [ Laughter ] Glenn: What a perfect phrase for the situation. Blake: Spoiler alert... I'll be there. [ Breathes deeply ] I'll be there. Glenn: Hmm? Blake: I'll be there. Glenn: What? Blake: I'll be there. I have to get out of this one thing. If I can't, I will still try and make an appearance. [ Imitates static ] And now the news. [ Imitates static ] Big light in sky... [ Imitates static ] Scalding hot water on young... [ Imitates static ] And now a commercial. Mm-mmm. Oh, yeah, baby. It's all about lo...
Spoiler Alert: Owen Gets a Perm