Frasier has an announcement to make, for which he is taking Martin, Daphne and Niles out to dinner at Stefano's Italian restaurant. Niles refuses to go, making up an excuse about a patient's crisis; the truth is, he had an embarrassing experience at this restaurant as a child, and is still traumatized by it. Frasier has to make the announcement without him: the restaurant is putting a sketch of his face on their Seattle Wall of Fame, and the unveiling is that very evening. He is very proud, until he sees the caricature ; the artist has extravagantly exaggerated his forehead. Frasier insists on returning the following evening with Niles, to have a tactful word with Stefano about changing it. His criticism goes down badly as it emerges that the artist is Stefano's mother.
Act One Scene One - Frasier's Apartment. Daphne is sat at the table as Martin enters in a suit. Daphne: Oh, don't you look nice. Martin: Yeah, Frasier wanted me dressed up for this mystery lunch of his. Daphne: Ha hasn't told you what the occasion is either? Martin: No, [sarcastic] but I'm sure it's something very important. I'm sure he wants to unveil his new antique Elizabethan egg timer. Daphne: [laughs] Or debut his pre-Columbian spoon rest. They chuckle as Frasier enters through the front door. Frasier: Hello, all. Well, Dad, I see you're ready to roll. Martin: Can you at least tell us what kind of restaurant you're taking us to? Frasier: Patience Dad, Roz will be here in a few minutes and then we'll be off and all will be revealed. [sits with them] Daphne: So, how did it go with the doctor? Judging by that smile on your face I'm guessing your cholesterol's down. Frasier: Well, after several weeks of watching my diet and taking my medication and race-walking every Tuesday... it hasn't budged. The good news is, though, that I've developed bursitis to take my mind off of it. The doctor says it's all just a matter of aging. Well, no reason to let it ruin our festive lunch. Martin: Yeah, boy, you don't forget that trip to the doctor, do you? That day he says, "There's nothing I can do for ya, you're just getting old, sport." Frasier: In my case it was "slugger" but that was the gist. Martin: Yeah, well, you know what I realize? When people reach our stage of life... Frasier: Dad, please, with all due respect, when it comes to life's journeys, you and I don't share a stage, we're not even in the same theatre. Daphne: You're taking this all very cheerfully, Dr. Crane. [doorbell sounds] Frasier: [moves to door] Well, why shouldn't I? In many ways my life couldn't be better. I mean, by and large, I'm in good health, there is a promising new relationship on the horizon - the lovely Rachel - [opens door to Roz] my career is thriving. Roz: Did you say thriving or diving? Frasier: What? Roz: Look at these ratings. Frasier: Oh, Roz, that's nothing to worry about for God's sakes, it's just leveling off. Roz: Yeah, that's what tends to happen when you hit bottom. Frasier: There's no cause for alarm here, Roz. The important thing is that we go on doing a quality show. Martin: Hey, how about some quality lunch? Frasier: A splendid idea, Dad. Off we go, then. Niles will be joining us there. [mobile phone rings, he answers] Hello? Ah, Rachel, yes. [Roz eavesdrops] Momentito. Frasier goes to the hallway. Roz sits with the others. Roz: So is Donny going to be joining us? Daphne: No, he's got wedding business this afternoon, he's composing our vows. Roz: Oh, isn't that romantic. Daphne: He's not exactly Wordsworth strolling through a shady glen. When I left, he was lying on the couch in his underwear with a tin of Vienna sausages and a rhyming dictionary on his chest. [laughs] Frasier enters. Frasier: Well, remember that new promising relationship on the horizon? Roz: Yeah. Frasier: It just got married in Vegas last night. Roz: Well, great, then you don't have a date for Daphne's wedding? Frasier: Oh, I'll find a date, don't worry, Roz. Lunch awaits. They all head to the door. Roz: Why don't we go together? Frasier: No, Roz, I assure you my dance card will be punched. Roz: By who? Frasier: Well, I don't know right now, it's just that I will be Crane plus one. Martin and Daphne exit and call the elevator Roz: A-ha, well just in case you don't get a date, what time would you pick me up? Frasier: I'm getting a date. Roz: Just in case. Frasier: I'm getting a date! Roz: Well, what time are you picking her up? Frasier: Three o'clock. Roz: Well, would you make it three-thirty? Frasier: I'm getting a date! [SCENE_BREAK] HE OFTEN FALLS OVER WHILE TYING HIS SHOES Scene Two - Stefano's Italian Restaurant. Frasier, Roz, Daphne and Martin are seated at a table. There are many caricatures hung on the walls Daphne: So, what's the big occasion? Frasier: Now, wait for it, Daphne, let the moment build. Besides, Niles hasn't arrived yet. Martin: Oh, I'd be surprised if he came, he's terrified of this place. Frasier: Still? My God, it's been thirty years! Roz: What happened? Martin: Oh, Hester and I brought the boys here when they were kids and Niles was running around, he bumped into the desert trolley and Stefano got hot and yelled at him and Niles got terrified and he, well... Frasier: He vomited. Martin: Right. All over Stefano's shoes. Then he ran out, hid behind the car and he hasn't been back in here since. Roz: Poor little weenie. Stefano sees them and comes over. Stefano: Hey, Dr. Crane, bon giorno, bon giorno. Frasier: Good to see you, Stefano, how are you? Allow me to introduce you to Daphne Moon, my father Martin you remember? [points to Roz] And this is... Stefano: Hey, we all know; Roz. All right, for today we've got some special dishes. For you, Dr. Crane, porccini fresh from Napa. Roz: And for me? Stefano: [brings over waiter] Giorgio fresh from Sicily! [laughs] Roz: Can I get him to go? Stefano: Okay, now, I'm going to be waiting on you myself today, 'kay? You just give me a minute, I'll come back. Stefano leaves as Frasier's mobile rings Frasier: Oh, excuse me. [into phone] Hello? Yes, hello, Niles. Oh, really? Oh, what a shame. Martin: Told ya. Frasier: No, that's all right, your patient is having a crisis, you'd better address it, before it turns into a crippling, immature, life-long problem! [hangs up] Daphne: You're not really mad at him, are you? Frasier: Of course I'm mad at him. I'm certainly going to give him a piece of my mind at dinner tonight. Roz: Tonight? Oh, I was hoping you'd come to Alice's birthday party. My balloon animal guy cancelled and I could really use your help. Frasier: I'm sorry, Niles made the reservations a month ago, it's at "Quelque Chose!" Roz: Fine. Martin: Listen, if Niles isn't coming, maybe you can tell us what the big surprise is? Frasier: Oh, all right, I'll spill. For over sixty years, Stefano's has immortalized Seattle's famous faces on its walls, as you can see. With one notable exception. The rest stare at him, confused. Frasier: It's me! Stefano's unveiling the portrait today. Daphne: Oh, how wonderful. Roz: Hey, that's what I'll do for Alice's party. I'll get a cartoonist to draw the kids. Frasier: That's an excellent idea, Roz, but let's not forget why we're here, does anybody have a toast? Stefano comes over with a board under a cloth Stefano: Okay, Dr. Crane. Here it is. Frasier: My portrait. Stefano: No, it's today's specials! [laughs] Of course it's your portrait. Would you like to say a few words, or something... Frasier: Well, if you insist. Frasier stands and takes out prepared speech cards from his breast pocket. Frasier: Before we unveil this picture, permit me to paint one of my own. A picture of a young Frasier Crane, wide eyed, gazing at the walls of Stefano's and wondering, "Who's that?" Well, little did I suspect that one day my picture would be on the wall and perhaps now other children will come in, gaze at it and wonder, "Who's that?" Martin: I bet that's going to happen a lot! Frasier: So, thank you, Stefano, for this honor. Stefano: Thank you, for suggesting it. And now, I present, Il Dotoré, Dr. Frasier Crane! Stefano pulls back the cloth to reveal a caricature of Frasier. His forehead is exaggerated greatly. Everyone is laughing except a shocked Frasier. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment. Daphne, Martin and Frasier are riding up in the elevator. Martin: Fras, will you let it go, it's a perfectly nice picture. Frasier: Oh, so nothing about it jumped out at you as, oh, I don't know, encephalitic! Martin: So they gave you a big forehead, who cares? It makes you look smart. Frasier: It makes me look like I discovered fire! The elevator stops. They enter the hallway to meet Niles who is waiting with a box. Niles: Frasier, I was just leaving you a note apologizing for that flimsy excuse. I'm sorry, just the thought of going back to that place got my stomach doing flip-flops. They enter the apartment Niles: Oh, by the way, Daphne, the doorman gave me this, it's for you. Daphne: [looks at it] No, it's for Donny. Niles: No, it's for Mrs. Donny Douglas. Daphne: [looks again] Funny, that's the first time I've seen my name like that. Martin: Well, get used to it, that's you in a couple of weeks. Niles: So, how was lunch? What was the big surprise? Martin: Don't ask! The less said, the better. Daphne: They put his picture on the wall and he thinks his forehead looks a touch too big. Frasier: A touch?! I look like a fugitive from Easter Island! Niles: Frasier, you always think you look bad in pictures. Frasier: Niles, it's not some photo I can throw away, this is a picture of me in a famous restaurant. My God, I dreamed my entire life of being on that wall. Niles: And now you are. Are you really so vain that that's not honor enough? Frasier: Vanity has nothing to do with it! It's about misrepresentation! And you know, if I were you, I would be careful about bandying about the word vain, Mr. Two-Hundred-And-Fifty-Dollar-Haircut. Niles: I have problem follicles. Martin: Frasier, it's a caricature, they exaggerate stuff. Now, if it were me, they would have drawn maybe a big crane, if it were Niles, they'd draw a barber cutting the hair off a giant sucker! Daphne: I know you're sensitive about your big forehead, but we all have stuff like that. With me it's my eyes. I've always fancied sparkling blue ones instead of dull old brown. Niles: Your eyes? Your eyes are not dull! Daphne: [blushing] Thank you, Dr. Crane, that's very nice. Niles: They're warm and... full of life. Daphne: You have beautiful eyes too. There is a pause while everyone considers what she has said. Then Daphne stands up, forcing the thoughts to the back of her mind in mental conflict. Daphne: Oh goodness, I can't be lollygagging around here, I have to... to get Dr. Crane his oatbran. Frasier: Oatbran? Now? Daphne: You'll need it for the morning. You've got to have something to sop up all that nasty cholesterol gumming up your heart. If not, I'm liable to come home and find you face down on the floor with the dog gnawing off your foot - and I'm not making that up either, that happened. Cheerio. Daphne exits Martin: I wished she moved that fast when I'm out of beer! Niles wonders again what Daphne could have meant... then looks at the box emphasizing "Mrs. Donny Douglas" and puts any thoughts from his mind. Niles: Well, I should be off too. Are we still on for dinner at "Quelque Chose"? Frasier: Yes, yes, of course, Niles. Niles: You might want to call and confirm. Frasier: Yes, yes, I'll make a mental note. Niles: Well, be careful you don't lose it inside that giant puppet head of yours. [exits] Frasier: Niles! Giant puppet head indeed! Martin: Oh, let it go, Frasier. What are you going to do? Go down there and make him change it? Just accept it for the honor it is, that's all. [Frasier begins dialing the phone] You know, I don't get you, a doctor gives you bad news, you take it in stride, but one bad picture... Frasier: Yes, thank you, Dad. [to phone] Yes, I'm calling about a reservation tonight. For two, Crane. Well, what can I say? But I just love your food, Stefano. [hangs up, off Martin's glance] I'm in the mood for Italian! End of Act One Act Two Scene One - Stefano's. Frasier enters and calls to Niles who is stood off stage. Frasier: Will you come along, Niles? Niles: [o.s.] I'd really rather not, I'm feeling queasy just standing here. Frasier: You can't even see the picture from there! Come on. Niles: [enters] All right, all right, let's just be quick about this. The Maitre D' arrives. Maitre D': Hello, do you have a reservation? Frasier: Yes, for Crane. Maitre D': One moment. Niles: You tricked me! Frasier: We'll just be here long enough for me to talk to Stefano, convince him to change the picture so it doesn't mock me for the rest of my life. Niles: Frasier, the man has a violent temper, he's already made me humiliate myself once! Frasier: Niles, I can't believe you're letting a minor childhood trauma like this plague you. You know, I have an affinity that this may be the route of your fear of authority figures. Listen, a nice relaxing dinner here may go a long way towards helping you to resolve this problem. Then Stefano enters. Stefano: [shouts over] Dotoré, Dotoré, how nice to see you again. Frasier: Hello, Stefano, good to see you. Stefano: And who's this gentleman? Looks familiar to me. Frasier: Oh, this is my brother, Niles. Stefano: Oh, of course, you have the family forehead. Er, come on. They go over to a table, on the way Stefano corrects a waiter. Stefano: [shouting] Hey, Antonio, slow down! [he babbles some Italian and forces Antonio back into the kitchen] What's-a matter with you? [to Frasier] Come on, sit down, we've got a nice table for you. He seats them under the caricature Stefano: Right under your picture. Okay, tonight - no menus, I'm going to take care of everything - except the bill, of course. [laughs and exits] Frasier: Well, there it is, "Frasier Cranium"! Niles: Well, it does have a certain under-nuanced, over-contoured, Macy's parade kind of quality. But you cannot ask him to change it, the man will explode. Frasier: Not if I do it with the utmost tact. Stefano arrives. Stefano: Okay, here we are; antipasto. Frasier: Oh, well, that's wonderful Stefano. You know, you certainly do have a way of making people feel comfortable. You know, I suspect that it would actually physically pain you to think that someone wasn't totally pleased. Stefano: What's wrong? Frasier: [Niles shakes his head] Well, actually, there is a tiny tiny problem. Really it's about my picture, you see. There is a small faction that thinks the forehead is too large. Stefano: [points to Niles] What, this one? Niles: No, I love it... [holds back sick] Frasier: As do I. It's just that, well, I feel I may be more recognizable if the forehead were a tad smaller. Stefano: So, you don't like it? Frasier: It's not that. Stefano: It's not good enough for you? Frasier: Yes, it is. Stefano: Do you want me to have it changed? Frasier: Could you? [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - Stefano's. Frasier and Niles have eaten their way through many dishes. Niles: How long is this going to take? Frasier: Now, Niles, I was fortunate enough that the artist is actually here tonight. I'm certainly not going to rush him. Now, you know, you better finish your lasagna, you don't want to offend Stefano. Niles: Offend him? So far tonight I have had the Prosciutto Di Palma, the Pasta Genovese and the Venetian Sea Bass. One more bite will conclude our little tour of Italy with my impression of Pompeii! Kenny comes over Kenny: Hey, hey, look who it is. [laughs] They'll let anyone in this joint! Frasier: Hello, Kenny. Kenny: So, what are you celebrating? Not your ratings, huh! I'm kidding, you've gotta kid! If you don't laugh, you cry, right? So, did I hear a rumor that you're going up on the wall of fame? Frasier: Oh, yes, as a matter of fact they're putting the finishing touches on the picture right now. Kenny: Isn't that something? [to Niles] Hey, hey, hey, you better save some room. Stefano goes crazy if you pass on his dessert. My mother found out that the hard way on her eightieth birthday. He went off on her. He called her a "scungo bungo" or something, the kids had it memorized for a while. Enjoy. Kenny exits as Stefano arrives with another portrait. Stefano: Okay, Dr. Crane. Hot off the easle, is this one more to your liking? Frasier: Oh, my. Stefano: Is it better? Frasier: Well, it's like looking in a mirror. Frasier holds the portrait up to Niles. The picture makes Frasier look more macho, with more defined features and more muscles Stefano: You know, this is the first time that anybody has ever asked for a change! [puts it on the wall] Oh, beautiful, you make me so happy! I'll go and see how the steaks are coming. Frasier: Thank you. Stefano leaves Niles: Frasier, I hate to burst your bubble, but that picture looks absolutely nothing like you. Frasier: Well, well, I was wondering when Mr. Envy would pull up a chair. [Kenny passes] Oh, Kenny. Kenny, if I may, can I direct your attention to this caricature? Kenny: Wow, look at that, I am impressed. Frasier: I thought you might be. Kenny: James Garner eats here! Frasier: James Garner?! Kenny: Well, I guess I can go and sit down now, my father-in-law just picked up the check. Kenny leaves Frasier: I don't believe this! I've waited my entire life to have my picture on this wall. Now that it is, it's unrecognizable. Well, not for long. Niles: No, Frasier, you are not going to ask him to change it again... Frasier: Niles... Niles: If this means so much to you, my girlfriend's a plastic surgeon, she can have you looking like this picture in six procedures or less! Stefano enters. Stefano: [with more food] All right, here we are boys, here we are. Monjo Pere! The boys look at it in terror, Stefano sits with them. Stefano: You know, there's something that's been bugging me all night. Hey, shove over, will you? [they do, to Niles] I know you from some place and I can't figure out where, this is driving me potso! So, we're gonna figure this out together, okay? You and me. Frasier: You know, while the two of you are strolling down memory lane, I have a quick errand I have to run, I tell you what, save some dessert for me! Niles: Frasier... However, Frasier runs out the front door. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Three - Roz's Apartment. The apartment is bustling with kids and parents, there are balloons and banners all celebrating Alice's birthday. Frasier enters and sees Roz with Alice. Frasier: Roz. Roz: Frasier, I knew you'd show up. Frasier: Well... Roz: You knew how much it would mean to me and Alice. Frasier: Oh gosh, am I that transparent? Roz: Come on in, everyone, this is Frasier. [they all wave] Frasier: Hello, hi. Roz: Can I get you something? Jello, Lunchables, a Pokémon punch? Frasier: Do you have any coffee made? Roz: No. Frasier: That's perfect. [off her look] Well, while you're making coffee it'll give me some quality time with Alice. [takes her] Frasier walks to the cartoonist and pushes in to the queue. The girl in the queue is angry. Girl: Hey, no cuts. Frasier: I need a picture right away. Girl: I'll tell. Frasier: You know who this is? This is the birthday girl. If she wants a picture right away, she's going to get a picture right away, now why don't you just run along? She does eventually. Meanwhile, Frasier takes the caricature of the cartoonist and takes the girl in the seat away. Frasier: All right, I think you're finished, there you are. Girl: But I don't have any eyes. Frasier: Yes, well, neither did Little Orphan Annie, and she's got her own Broadway show, now go on, shoo! [sits] Okay, fine, I'm looking for something manly, go easy on the forehead, leave the kid out. The cartoonist starts drawing as Alice looks into the crowd. [SCENE_BREAK] FACE ON/OFF/ON... Scene Four - Stefano's. Niles is sat finishing his desert as Frasier enters Frasier: Oh, Niles. Niles: Where the hell have you been? Stefano's been trying to place me for the last forty minutes. Was I ever in Panama? Did I sell him his first Lincoln? Do I have a box at the dog track?! Frasier: Why didn't you just say yes and let that be the end of it? Niles: That's a good idea. [notices pictures in Frasier's hands] What's that? Frasier: I went by Alice's birthday party, I had the artist there draw me some new sketches. There, what do you think? Niles: I think you're insane! Frasier: Niles, it's not so crazy, just imagine. Suppose that picture there should accidentally drop to the floor and tear. You see, I can come back here tomorrow, tell Stefano that I didn't want to put his artist to any more trouble and I had a new caricature done myself. You see, I'm actually quite partial to this one here, but there is one in here of me playing soccer which is very good... Niles: Frasier, we'll put these away, we'll pay the bill and we'll find a bed to strap you into. Frasier: No, no, it can work, it really can, it'll work... Stefano's mother then comes up behind him and notices the pictures. Mama: What is this? The pictures? Frasier: It's nothing, it's no business of yours, off you go. Mama: Stefano! Stefano! Stefano: [enters] Mama, what is it? Cara Mia, what? Mama: [points to pictures] Guada, guada! Stefano: Dr. Crane, what is this? Frasier: Oh, all right, I may as well just tell you the truth. The fact is, I don't really care for this picture either. It's just that I'm afraid your artist has lost his touch. To be honest I think he's robbing you blind. I mean, my God, how much is this hack charging you? Mama bursts out crying Frasier: Mama's the hack, isn't she? Stefano goes ballistic and throws Frasier out of the restaurant. Niles, shaking uncontrollably, tries to exit but Stefano has a word with him. Stefano: Hold on one second! Now I remember you! Niles: Oh... Stefano: Bridgeport, Connecticut. Niles: [thinks and then acts] Yes, yes. Stefano: My car got stuck in the rain and you saved my ass. Niles: Yes, well it was nothing. I'm glad you remember. Stefano: Let me show you how we thank you where I come from. Stefano kisses him on both cheeks and then takes him in a big hug, we can see the vomit welling up inside him. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Five - Frasier's Apartment. Frasier is sat talking to Martin. Frasier: Well, suffice it to say, the entire Crane family is now banned from Stefano's. Martin: Just because of that dumb picture? Frasier: No, no, actually, there was a little incident involving Niles, too. He was doing just fine until Stefano took him in some sort of a bear hug and shook him a little too vigorously. Martin: On the shoes again? Frasier: No, this time there was a conveniently-placed lobster tank. Martin: Poor Niles. Frasier: Yeah, it wasn't any picnic for the lobsters either. Martin laughs. Frasier: What the hell is wrong with me, Dad? You know, I got so obsessed with that damn picture I completely lost my head! Martin: Well, I think I know what's really going on here. Frasier: Really? Well, enlighten us. Martin: Well, I think there's some stuff in your life that you can't control: the doctor tells you you're getting old, your ratings are low, you're not happy with your love life. And so I think you obsessed about this picture because you figured it was something in your life that you could control. Frasier thinks about it deeply whilst Martin looks extremely proud. Frasier: Well, Dad, you do raise a point. Martin looks at him expectantly. Frasier: Oh, what the hell, you're dead on. Where did you learn so much about psychology? Martin: Oh, I listen to radio. Frasier: Gosh, it's so obvious, isn't it? You know, when a person is confronted with some deeply troubling issue that they're not ready to face yet, they usually avoid the problem by obsessing about something else, something completely trivial. Then Daphne enters with the oat bran. Daphne: Got it! Martin: Got what? Daphne: Dr. Crane's oat bran! Martin: Boy, you left for that eight hours ago. Daphne: Well, it wasn't easy. They were out of it at the regular market, so I went to another one but then they were out of it. So, I looked into it and it turns out they don't sell it in Washington anymore. Well, for some reason I just couldn't let it go, so I went for a little drive. [to Martin] You know, it wouldn't kill you to do something like that once in a while, get off that big round duff of yours. [then] Anyway, a hop, skip and a jump later, here it is, fresh from Portland. Good night. Daphne exits to her room. Frasier: What the hell was that? Martin: I don't know, what did she mean about that big round duff comment?! Frasier: Now, Dad. Martin: You know, the sands of time don't exactly flow up the hourglass! It's not easy for a guy our age. Frasier: Dad, for the last time, we are not the same age. Martin: I've seen your hips start to spread a little bit... Martin and Frasier carry on arguing. End of Act Two [SCENE_BREAK] Frasier and Daphne are eating breakfast the next morning. Frasier has his oat bran whilst Daphne has a fry-up. Eddie is begging Daphne for some food so Frasier tells her to give him a bit. As she does, he steals a bit from her plate. He does this twice without her noticing. When she comes up the second time, he signs to her how delicious the oat bran is.
The Three Faces Of Frasier