Frasier, Roz, Niles and Martin take a cruise to Alaska . Frasier is booked as the celebrity guest, and is disappointed when he discovers that the living quarters are abysmal, and there turns out to be no one on board wanting to see him, nor any other well-known entertainment acts. Roz is pursued by a 1970s dance musician, Carlos "The Barracuda" del Gato. Niles is on the cruise trying to forget his troubles; it is his wedding anniversary and he should have been with Maris, but she disappeared off to Switzerland. What he does not know is that Frasier left a message suggesting she join them, and she is aboard.
ACT ONE Scene One - KACL Frasier is doing his show. Frasier: Well, Karl, I guess you've got two choices. Either you have the tattoo removed, or you travel the globe searching for another soul mate named Fredwina. We'll be right back after this. He goes to commercial. Roz comes in with a travel brochure. Roz: Hey, I was just looking over this offer you got from the Siren Cruise Line. They want to know if- Frasier: Roz, you know my policy on commercial endorsements. Roz: Just listen. One of their celebrity entertainers cancelled on a ship that's going to Alaska, and they'll let us both go for free if you'll fill in, and all you have to do is give a brief lecture- Frasier: Roz, I'm a psychiatrist, not a huckster! There are still some of us in this profession who believe in-[sees brochure] mahogany wainscoting? Roz: Isn't that fabulous? And just look at those staterooms! Frasier: Wow... Roz: Not to mention the gourmet chefs, the world-class health spa... Frasier: Well, it does sound awfully tempting, Roz, but I just don't think it's right to trade on one's good name for a free trip. Roz: Well, plenty of people do. Look, Zubin Mehta did one, General Schwartzkopf, and it says right here, Gore Vidal did two of them! Frasier: Gore Vidal? He hates everything! Roz: But, if you feel it would tarnish your image, I'll just call Vicki and tell her you said no. She goes into her booth. Frasier, sensing an opening, grabs at it. Frasier: Vicki? Who's Vicki? Roz: Oh, she books the celebrities. We met once at a party a long time ago, I'm surprised she remembered me. Frasier, we're on in ten seconds. Frasier: Now, just hold on a minute, Roz, you didn't tell me this was a favor for a close friend. Roz: She's not a close friend. Frasier: No, Roz, obviously this woman means something to you. It's certainly an awkward position you've put me in. Roz: Frasier, I don't care. Frasier: All right, I'll go! But it's the last time I pull your chestnuts out of the fire! He goes back into his booth. Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment It's afternoon, and pouring rain outside. Frasier sits at the piano, playing idly. Daphne comes out in her bathrobe. Daphne: Hello, Dr. Crane. Frasier: Oh, hello, Daphne. Little late in the day, isn't it? Daphne: I just love days like this... nowhere to go, nothing to do... though I have this sneaking suspicion I've forgotten something. Frasier: Like getting dressed? Daphne: [goes to the window] Oh, I could watch the rain for hours. Of course, when I was a little girl, I hated the rain. Stuck inside, couldn't go out and play. But my mum always said, "enjoy it while you can, there'll be no water in hell." Of course, that was her answer for everything. "Eat your veggies, there'll be no Brussels sprouts in hell... have a lie-down, there'll be no naps in hell..." Frasier: Daphne, you know I am a therapist, if you'd like to talk about this sometime. Daphne: About what? Frasier: Nothing. Daphne: I wish I could remember what it is I forgot to do. Oh well, you know what they say - if you can't remember, it probably wasn't important anyway. Martin stomps through the door, soaking wet and steaming mad. Frasier: Dad! Daphne: Oh no! Frasier: You are dripping! Martin: Yeah, that's what'll happen when you're standing out on the corner waiting for your ride! Daphne: Mr. Crane, I am so sorry! Martin: What the hell were you thinking?! Frasier: Venting these emotions is all well and good, Dad, but I just had these floors waxed! He takes Martin's coat, hands him a towel and rushes to lay down newspaper. Martin: I said four o'clock on the corner of Second and Bell. Daphne: Well, you should have called me! Martin: Well, I was afraid if I went looking for a phone I'd miss you! Frasier: Good point, Dad. Now, could you just step on that, please? [Eddie comes in] Oh God, he's wet too! Eddie starts shaking off. Frasier: No, no! Damn him! Daphne, help me get this canine sprinkler out of here! Daphne: Oh now, don't be too cross with him, Dr. Crane! As my mum used to say, there'll be no dogs in hell! Frasier: I sincerely doubt that! Daphne takes Eddie to Martin's room. The doorbell rings, and Frasier opens the door to Niles. Frasier: Oh, Niles. Niles: Frasier, I just stopped by to return your cookbook [hands it over], I won't be needing it after all. Frasier: Oh, really? I thought you were preparing an anniversary dinner for Maris. Niles: Uh, not this year. Maris has flown to Switzerland for a new cosmetic treatment. Only one man performs the procedure, and Maris wants to see him before he's extradited. Frasier: Oh, Niles, I'm so sorry. Niles: It's so depressing. Every time it looks as though we're approaching a breakthrough in our therapy, Maris runs off somewhere. I really hoped spending time together on our anniversary would get us over the hump. Frasier: Take heart, Niles, I know how frustrating it can be when someone puts their own selfishness ahead of your personal needs. [steers Niles onto the newspaper] Martin: Niles, why don't you take off that wet coat and stay for dinner. I'll get us started with a couple of nice hot toddies, just like we used to make down at Duke's. Frasier: You know, Dad, there's a recipe in this book for a hot toddy. It calls for courvoisier, chamomile tea, and a dash of framboise! Martin: Garnish it with a few rose petals and that's just how Duke used to serve it. Frasier: [to Niles] Make yourself comfortable. In the kitchen, Martin pours water into three mugs and puts them in the microwave. Frasier comes in. Frasier: Poor Niles. You know, Dad, maybe I should- Martin: Ah, ah! Stop right there, I know what you're going to say. You want to call Maris and talk her into spending her anniversary with Niles. Frasier: I didn't realize I'd gotten as predictable as all that. Martin: Well, you have, and if you ask me- Frasier: Stop right there. I know exactly what you're going to say. You're going to say I should mind my own business and keep my big bazoo shut! Martin: I was gonna say "fat yap," but you're in the ballpark. Frasier: Well, I just think that when two people are having problems, their emotions can get the better of them. A third party can provide some perspective. Martin: They already have a therapist! And if Niles needs any more help, he's got Dr. Jim Beam and he makes house calls! Martin pours bourbon into the mugs and gives two to Frasier. In the living room, Niles is talking on his cell phone. Niles: I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, Maris. I hope you enjoy your trip to Switzerland. Actually, I have plans of my own for our anniversary that I'm very excited about. Mmm-hmm. Bon voyage. [hangs up] Frasier: Well, that's a very healthy approach, Niles. What are your plans? Niles: Well, I thought I'd sit alone in my cavernous apartment while rocking back and forth while hugging my knees. Martin: Now, Niles, you're not going to be alone on your anniversary, you'll have me and Fras. Frasier: Well, actually, Dad, I've agreed to give a lecture on a cruise that's going to Alaska... but I don't see any reason why you two shouldn't join me, why don't you? Martin: Oh, that'd be great! Wouldn't it, Niles? Niles: Uh, I don't know. Frasier: Oh, come on, Niles, it'll help get your mind off your troubles. Niles: I appreciate your concern, but whisking me off on a cruise? I'm not as emotionally fragile as all that. Frasier: As you wish. Well, Dad, I guess it'll be just you and me then. Martin: Yeah! When do we leave? Frasier: Fourteenth. Niles: [breaking down] The fourteenth? Frasier holds him as Niles cries against his shoulder. SHIP OF FOOLS Scene Three - Ship Hallway Frasier and Roz emerge from their staterooms at the same time. Roz: Hey, some ship, huh? How's your stateroom? Frasier: I'd hardly call it a "stateroom." Wouldn't even call it a room, but I don't know the nautical term for "broom closet with sconces." How's yours? Roz: [shuts her door behind her] The same. Worse, even. I'm sure you have a better view from your porthole than I do. Frasier: You have a porthole?! Roz: What's the difference? A cabin's just a place to shower and change your clothes. Frasier: You have a shower?! All I have is a nozzle and a floor drain, it took me an hour before I put those two things together! Roz leads him down the hall. Scene Four - Cocktail Lounge Martin and Niles are sitting at the bar. Martin: Now the buffets come at a pretty good clip, so you got to pace yourself. And watch out for your fillers-your breads, your rolls, your chips and dip. You've only got so much room, don't be a hero. Frasier and Roz enter. Roz: Hey, guys! Martin: Hey! Hey, Fras, this is great! You got one of those bedrooms where the bathroom turns into a shower? Frasier: Yes, Dad. [to Niles] And before you say anything, I had no idea what Spartan conditions we were in for. Niles: It's quite all right. Once I got over my fear that I'd be hauled below deck and manacled to another oarsman, I actually started to enjoy myself. Frasier: Well, you know, I guess I won't be spending that much time in my cabin anyway. I'll be hobnobbing with my fellow celebrities. Martin: Yeah, they got a lot of big names on board. Did you see the pictures? He points to a stand against the wall with a group of portraits. Roz: [reading] "Live and in Person: Radio star Dr. Frasier Crane!" How about that? Frasier: Lord, I don't know if I really care for the word "star," considering the caliber of the other people on board. Niles: [looking closer] "The Comedy Stylings of Giggles O'Shea." Oh yes, you're in stellar company. Oh, and look, they even managed to snare a magician-"The Amazing Lance Gould." Martin: Oh, he's great! I caught his act in Reno a few years ago. For his finale, he made his own head disappear! Niles: Now, did the toupee go too, or did it just hover over the collar? Frasier: Dear God! You've booked me on a floating Gong Show! What happened to Zubin Mehta and Gore Vidal? Roz: I am so sorry, Frasier, I had no idea. I guess they just booked all their A-list celebrities on the big ships. Steward: [on P.A.] Your attention, please. The "Taste of Alaska" buffet is no being served on the Lido deck. Martin: Ooh, that's my cue! You guys coming? Niles: Uh, Dad, we had a big lunch at home. Martin: Rookie mistake. See you at dinner. He limps out of the lounge. Roz: Look, Frasier, it's not that bad. I mean, at least you got top billing. Frasier: Well, of course I got top billing! I'm the only one up there I've ever heard of! Roz: Come on, what about him? Frasier: "Latin Singing Sensation Carlos 'the Barracuda' DelGato?" Roz: Yeah! Don't you remember him from the 70's? He invented that big dance craze, the Barracuda. Niles: Believe it or not, Maris was a big fan of his. Frasier: No! Niles: Yes, that was the one dance she could do. The Hustle was too strenuous - she had no booty to shake. But her fetching little under-bite was just perfect for the Barracuda. Niles sticks out his jaw and snaps his teeth in remembrance. Frasier notices a well-dressed blond woman staring from across the lounge. Frasier: Niles, why is that woman staring at you? Niles turns, looks-and snaps back. Niles: God help me! It's that awful Mimi Cosgrove from the country club! Hide me! She's a man-eating lush who'd go to any lengths to- Mimi: [coming over] Niles? Niles: Mimi! You funny little good-for-nothing Mimi! [kisses her cheeks] What are you doing here? Mimi: Oh, just looking for the bar... oh, there it is! [grabs his arm] Let me buy you a cocktail. Niles: Well, actually, I- Mimi: I don't know what it is about being on the water that makes me so thirsty! Ooh, have you been working out? She drags him to a table. He turns to Frasier and Roz and mouths, "Help Me!" A swarthy Latin man in Toreador pants comes in. Roz: Look, there he is, the Barracuda! Frasier: How thrilling! A fellow headliner on the U.S.S. Has-Been! Roz: Oh, shut up! Frasier: Come on, Roz, let's go over my notes for my lecture. Before they can exit, the Barracuda comes over. Barracuda: Dr. Frasier Crane? I am Carlos DelGato. Frasier: [shakes his hand] Ah, hello. It's a pleasure to meet you. Oh, this is Roz Doyle. Roz extends her hand. The Barracuda snaps it up and starts kissing it. Barracuda: Buenos noches. Habla espanol? Roz: Uh, not really. Barracuda: Is no matter. I am sure you are schooled in the... international language. Frasier: Oh yes, Roz, say something amusing in Esperanto! Barracuda: [nasal laugh] You know, each night, I select the most beautiful woman in my audience and present to her a red rose. That means the evening has just begun. Perhaps one night, chou will be... my especial lady? Until then... He sticks out his jaw and snaps his teeth. Roz gasps. He struts off. Roz: O.K., you're right. We're on the Voyage of the Damned. Niles and Mimi sit at a table. As they talk, he's constantly pushing her hand off his wrist, his thigh, etc. Mimi: So, are you still separated? Niles: Uh, I'm afraid so. Mimi: Oh, you poor thing. Niles: Well, we're trying actually - couples' therapy. Mimi: Oh, good! You know I've always thought the world of you and, uh... Niles: Maris. Mimi: Yeah, an angel! Anyway, if there's ever anything I can do to be of comfort to you, [leans over and nibbles his ear] you just let me know. Ooh, what is that marvelous fragrance? Niles: Well, that's uh- A waiter comes over with a glass of champagne. Waiter: Excuse me, sir, but the lady wanted to send you this, with her compliments. Niles: What lady? Waiter: Over there, in the black dress and the veil? Niles: Maris! Waiter: Oh, and there was one more thing. Niles: Yes? The waiter tosses the champagne in Niles's face. END OF ACT ONE [SCENE_BREAK] ACT TWO Scene Five - Lounge Waiter: I'm really very sorry, sir, but she gave me the biggest tip I've ever seen. He gives Niles a napkin. Mimi gets up. Mimi: I'm sure you can convince Maris that this is all completely innocent-if not, I'm in Cabin 712. Mimi leaves the lounge. Frasier and Roz come running over. Frasier: Niles, Niles, what happened? Was that Maris I saw running out of here? Niles: Yes! She saw Mimi pawing me and assumed the worst! I've got to go speak to her. How upset did she look? Roz: Oh, I couldn't see anything past the outfit. Who wears a black dress and veil on a cruise? Frasier: Roz, the woman has virtually no pigmentation! Three minutes in the sun, she'd sear like an Ahi tuna! Niles: She's supposed to be in Switzerland! What's she doing here?! Frasier: Niles, I'm sorry. This may be partly my fault. You see, I called Maris, told her how upset you were, and said it might be fun if she could join us on the cruise. Niles: You invited her to come and didn't tell me?! Frasier: Well, I thought it would be a nice surprise! Niles: Oh, well it worked out perfectly! She's probably on the phone arranging to fly home from the next port. [the waiter comes by] Excuse me, excuse me. The lady who sent me the champagne, do you happen to know which stateroom she's in? Waiter: No, sir. But she did ask me to give you a message. Niles: Yes? The waiter tosses another glass of champagne in Niles's face. Niles: Just out of curiosity, how much are these running her? Scene Six - Lounge Frasier sits at a table, preparing note cards for his speech. Roz, wearing a cocktail dress, comes from the bar with two drinks. Roz: You're on in twenty minutes. How's your speech coming? Frasier: It's hard to concentrate. I'm so concerned about Niles. Roz: [reads his first card and laughs] I like this opening joke you wrote, it's very funny. Frasier: [chuckles] Thank you. I can't take all the credit, actually. I had a patty melt with Giggles before his show. Niles comes back, disheveled and depressed. Frasier: Oh, Niles. I can't tell you again how sorry I am for meddling. How did it go with Maris? Niles: Terribly. This is, without a doubt, the most depressing night of my life. Roz cracks up reading the next card. Frasier sees it and laughs too. Roz: That is so funny- I'm sorry. Niles: I spent hours looking for her, then I remembered her fondness for the Barracuda. I ran down to the lounge, and found that Latin cheese ball crooning his ghastly song directly to her! I started to make my way over, then a waiter came over, and by the time I got the champagne out of my eyes, she'd disappeared into the crowd. I waited for her. She never came out. Neither did DelGato. Frasier: Niles, what are you implying? Niles: You know Maris's taste for revenge. If she thinks I'm having an affair with Mimi, then she's going to try and punish me in kind. Roz: Wow... do you really think she's planning to "do the Barracuda?" She tries not to laugh. Niles glares at her. Frasier: Niles, don't jump to conclusions, that's exactly what Maris did. Niles: Says a lot about our marriage, doesn't it? No trust on either side, what hope is there for us? Frasier: Is there anything I can do? Niles: No, you've done enough. I'm just going to take a walk. He leaves the lounge. Frasier: Oh, I feel so guilty about this. When will I learn to stop interfering in other peoples' affairs? I'd better go talk to Maris, see if I can fix this. Roz: You're gonna butt in again? Frasier: I don't see what business that is of yours! Roz: Here comes your dad. Frasier: Oh, no! Oh, no! If he finds out, I'll never hear the end of it! Martin sits down at the table. Martin: Boy, that "Taste of Alaska" spread was a bust. You want to know what caribou meat tastes like? Not chicken! Where's Niles? Frasier: He's out on a walk... oh, I may as well tell you everything! Maris is on board. She and Niles had a horrible fight, and their marriage is in worse shape than it's ever been before, and no need to tell you how she got here in the first place! Martin: I know, I know, what was I thinking, inviting her to come on the cruise? Roz: You invited Maris? Martin: Yeah, well, Niles was so upset over being alone on his anniversary, it just seemed like a good idea. Smart, huh? I give you all this guff about sticking your nose into other people's business, then I turn around and do the same damn thing. Frasier: Oh, Dad, don't be too hard on yourself. Roz: Frasier. Frasier: Oh, all right! I invited Maris too. Martin: You did? I thought I told you to keep your big bazoo shut! Frasier: Oh, you're one to talk! Martin: Well, so what do we do now? Frasier: Nothing! Nothing at all! Just let them work things out themselves, and stay on the sidelines where we belong. Martin: All right. [checks watch] Ooh, better get going, we're gonna miss the first seating for dinner! Frasier: But Dad, my lecture's in fifteen minutes. Martin: Oh, jeez. All right, guess I can't do everything. Tell me how it went at the midnight buffet! He limps out of the lounge. Roz gets up. Roz: We'd better get going too. Frasier: Right. First, I'm going to go talk to Maris. Roz: You just said- Frasier: Forget what I said! You're coming too! Roz: Why do you need me? I don't even know her. Frasier: You can vouch for Niles's innocence. Roz: Oh, all right. I have to admit, I'm kind of curious to meet her. You know, in all these years, I've never actually seen her face? Frasier: Well, I haven't seen her most recent one, so this'll be a new experience for both of us. Scene Seven - Maris's Room Frasier and Roz stop in the hallway outside Maris's room. Frasier: All right, now let me do all the talking-oh, and if it looks like she has an orange Abyssinian on her head-don't stare. That's a wiglet. A maid comes out of the room, notices them, and leaves the door open. Maid: All through. Have a nice evening. The maid leaves. Frasier: Damn! She must not be here! [Roz goes in] Roz, what are you doing, you can't go in there! Roz: I just want to see the room! Frasier follows her into the room, which is spacious and lavishly decorated. Frasier: You can't just barge into someone else's- [gasps] My God, is that a grand piano?! Roz finds a red rose on the bureau. Roz: Frasier, look! Frasier: The Barracuda's calling card! That means that he's chosen Maris to be his... Frasier/Roz: "Especial lady," eew! Footsteps in the hall. Frasier pushes Roz into the bathroom. Roz: Why are we hiding? We came here to talk to her! Frasier: Because it's impossible to extol the virtues of trust to someone whose room you've just broken into! Someone comes through the door outside. Frasier and Roz climb into the shower and draw the curtain. Frasier: Oh, dear God! The shower is bigger than my entire cabin! Roz: Shut up! Martin comes into the bathroom. Roz peeks through the curtain. Roz: Martin! Martin: Ahh! What are you two doing here?! Frasier: We came to talk to Maris! What are you doing here?! Martin: The same as you! Frasier: Well, then why did you come in the bathroom?! Martin: Well... what do you think? Frasier: Oh, all right, fine. Roz: Let's get the hell out of here. They start towards the door, but hear someone else enter the room. Roz: It's Maris. Martin: Well, what's the big deal, why don't we just go in there and talk to her? Roz: We can't go in there now, she might not be alone. Remember the rose? Frasier: Oh, God. Roz kneels down and looks through the keyhole. Roz: I don't see her, maybe she went back out. Oh, wait. I see her coat on a hat rack. Martin and Frasier exchange a look. Frasier: Look closer. Is the hat rack moving? Roz: Oh my God! Martin: What's she doing? Roz: Well, she seems to be alone. Frasier: That's good. Roz: Now she's pouring champagne - two glasses. Frasier: Oh, that's bad. Roz: Now she's putting on music. A Latin Beat plays, with the words "Do-do-do the Barracuda..." Frasier: Oh, oh, that's bad. On so many levels. Roz: She's coming this way! Everyone crams into the shower, and they draw the curtain. They stand quietly as Maris [seen only as a silhouette] comes in, gargles, spits, and goes out again. Frasier: She's gone! They stumble out of the shower again. Martin: How the hell are we going to get out of here? Frasier: I have no idea. All I know is that I have got to be downstairs in the next ten minutes, or two hundred people are going to be sorely disappointed! Roz: Two hundred people? Where'd you hear that? Frasier: They told me that was the room capacity! [Roz just looks at him] Oh! Oh, come on! Giggles had to add a show! Martin: Shh, she's gonna hear us. Doorbell buzzes. Roz: It's the Barracuda! Martin: Who's the Barracuda? Roz: He's a sleazy Latin lounge singer Maris is going to sleep with to get back at Niles for kissing Mimi! Martin: Who's Mimi? Frasier: A horny society boozer, and the Mrs. O'Leary's Cow of our current predicament! Martin: Who's Mrs. O'Leary? Frasier: A woman in Chicago who - oh, I don't have the time! The point is, we have got to stop this before Maris does something that is going to damage her relationship forever. Roz: We cannot go out there. We don't want to walk in on the two of them. Martin: I don't want to see that! I just ate caribou! Frasier: Oh, all right. Seems I'm the only one who cares about this relationship. I will go and do it. He opens the door - and comes face-to-face with Niles. Everyone jumps and yells. Niles: Maris, what a lovely bathroom! Naaah! [comes in and shuts the door] What are you doing here?! Frasier: We came to convince Maris that there was nothing going on between you and Mimi! What are you doing here?! Niles: Well, Maris and I ran into each other on deck, and we had a long talk, and, well, she invited me back here for a glass of champagne! Martin: Oh, that's great, Niles! Niles: Yes, though it might marr the mood a bit if she finds you all spying on her! [notices the sink] Did you use that mouthwash? Frasier: No, Maris did. Niles: My God - she's in the mood for more than champagne! You've got to leave right now. Just give me time to see her out to the balcony. Frasier: A balcony?! Niles: Count to ten, and then scram, so Maris and I can celebrate the way a man and his wife were meant to. [cracks the door] Oh, damn. She started without me. Frasier/Martin/Roz: Eeww... Niles: Drinking the champagne. Frasier/Martin/Roz: Ohhh... Scene Z - Hallway The Barracuda walks down the hallway, carrying a red rose in one hand. Stopping at Cabin 712, he checks the note written on his hand, and rings the bell. As he waits, he unbuttons the top of his shirt to show more chest. Behind him, Frasier, Roz, and Martin slip out of Maris's room. They see Mimi open the door and usher the Barracuda in. Frasier and Roz tell Martin who the man and the woman are, and they all walk down the hall laughing.
Voyage Of The Damned