Kenny appears at Frasier's apartment in a panic, and explains that he has a date with a woman, Janis, who he met in a bar. Frasier, realizing that Kenny does not want to jeopardize his marriage, offers to go to the restaurant and make his apologies to Janis. But Janis left a message on Kenny's answering machine at home, and Kenny's wife went to the restaurant, chased Janis away, then sat and waited for her husband. Frasier arrives, and assumes that she is Janis, and she decides not to tell him the truth. They end up dining together, and Frasier believes he has saved Kenny's marriage. However, when they decide to meet again, Kenny starts to suspect that his wife is having an affair. Meanwhile, Daphne has now gained so much weight that even Niles cannot ignore it, especially when she has a fall in the apartment and it takes all three Crane men to lift her back up.
Act 1 Scene 1 - Frasier's Apartment Fade in. Daphne is eating at the dining table, Martin is in his chair with Frasier standing behind him. They are staring at her with a mixture of concern and interest. She notices them. Daphne: Oh, I'm sorry. Care for some brie? Frasier: No, thank you Daphne. Isn't Niles taking you to dinner soon? He sits down on the couch as she gets up and heads for the kitchen. Daphne: Yeah, but if I don't have a little snack now, I'll just make a pig of meself later. She stuffs the last bite in her mouth and goes to the kitchen. Frasier: You know, I'm really starting to worry about her. The doorbell rings and Frasier gets up to answer it. Martin gets up from his chair. Martin: You're worried? Somewhere on a poultry farm a bunch of chickens are holdin' a prayer vigil. Frasier opens the door to reveal Niles. Frasier: Ah! Hello, Niles. Niles: [entering] Hello, Frasier. Look at what I brought: chocolate covered honey nougat praline bombs! And they're jumbos! Martin: Well, we knew they weren't for us. Frasier: Dad! Martin goes off to his room, Niles hangs up his coat. Frasier: Listen, Niles. This may be a bit of a sensitive subject, but have you noticed anything... different about Daphne lately? Niles: Well, she's happier, as am I. Frasier: Well, I guess I meant more in a... physical way. Niles: Well, she trimmed her bangs, that was a week ago. Men! Frasier: I, I guess what I'm really talking about is her... size. Niles: Well, that's my fault. I was self-conscious about our height difference and I asked her to stop wearing high-heeled shoes. Frasier: Niles...? Niles: Yes? Frasier: [giving in] I hope one day to love a woman the way you love Daphne. Niles: Don't worry, you will, you will. [They hug.] Now, where's my little sparrow? The doorbell rings. Frasier: She's in the kitchen. Niles: All right. Niles heads for the kitchen as Frasier opens the door for Kenny. Frasier: Kenny. Gosh, this is a surprise. Kenny: I'm sorry to drop by like this, it's just that I'm in a terrible bind. Frasier: Is there something wrong at the station? Kenny: [entering] No, no, it's personal. I stopped by a bar last night to watch the game, and I started talking to this woman, Janice. She was so beautiful, and she had this great laugh, and she smelled... good. And for some crazy reason, she liked me too. Frasier: Oh, Kenny, what did you do? Kenny: I made a date with her. She's waiting for me right now at Chez Henri! I've never done anything like this before. I'm a married man with kids and I have a date! Frasier: Kenny! Listen, if you go down and meet with this woman, it could be the end of your marriage. Now, I've never met your wife, but you've always spoken very highly of her. Are you prepared to lose her? Kenny: No! Frasier: Then you can't go. Kenny: Stand Janice up? She'll wonder what happened, she'll call my house. Frasier: You gave this woman your home number? Kenny: I'm new at this! Frasier: Oh, God. All right, well, you're just gonna have to go down there and tell her the whole thing's off. Kenny: No, no. Don't make me go down there, Doc. I'm weak. One look in her eyes and those sexy, full lips... well, maybe a quick hello. He heads for the door. Frasier: Kenny, Kenny, wait! Maybe you're right, maybe you shouldn't go down there. Kenny: Well, what else am I gonna do? Frasier: All right, uh... Go home. I'll go down and talk to her for you. Kenny: Wow. You'd really do that? Thanks Doc! He hugs Frasier. Frasier: Well, yes. All right. Okay. [He separates them and gets his coat.] What name did you make the reservation under? Kenny: Kenny Daly. Frasier: What are you thinking? Kenny: They know me there, I wanted a good table! Frasier: All right. They both exit. FADE OUT. Scene 2 - Chez Henri A woman (Janice) waits at a table. Another woman (Kenny's wife (!)) walks up. Mrs. Daly: Excuse me. Are you Janice? Janice: Yes. Mrs. Daly: The Janice who's meeting Kenny Daly? Janice: Yes, is there a problem? Mrs. Daly: Just one: I'm his wife! Janice: Oh, my God! He didn't tell me he was married! Mrs. Daly: Why am I not surprised? Janice: [getting up] Well, I am so sorry. [She thinks a moment.] Oh, now you must have heard my message on your answering machine. Mrs. Daly: Yeah. And for your information, Kenny's eyes are brown, not "hazelicious"! Janice hurries out, Mrs. Daly sits. Mrs. Daly: [to waiter] Uh, excuse me. Could you please take... this? [She hands Janice's wine to him.] Waiter: Yes, ma'am. He takes the wine away and Frasier enters and comes over to the table. Frasier: Excuse me, are you meeting Kenny Daly? Mrs. Daly: You bet I am! Frasier: Well, I'm Frasier Crane. Mrs. Daly: Yes, I know. Frasier: Oh, thank you. It's always nice to meet a fan. [He sits.] Anyway, I'm afraid I have a bit of bad news. You see, Kenny won't be making it tonight. Mrs. Daly: Why not? Frasier: Well, uh, there's something you should know about Kenny. Janice, isn't it? Mrs. Daly: Uh... yes. Janice. Frasier: You see, Kenny's married. Mrs. Daly: Really? Frasier: Yes. He wanted to come down and tell you himself, but I insisted that I come instead. You see, he finds you so attractive, that he can't control himself around you. Mrs. Daly: Is that right? Frasier: Yes. In fact, I practically had to wrestle him away from the door. Mrs. Daly: I don't believe this. She begins to cry, Frasier hands her a napkin. Frasier: Janice... Listen, there's no need to cry. You know, there are other fish in the sea. And certainly a woman as beautiful as you could have her pick. Mrs. Daly: You don't have to say that. Frasier: No, no, it's true. The waiter returns. Waiter: Are you ready to order? Mrs. Daly: Oh, we're not staying. Frasier: Oh, just hang on a second. Janice, listen, I'm free tonight, what do you say I buy you dinner? Mrs. Daly: Oh, I don't know... Frasier: Come on, you deserve to have a nice evening. Mrs. Daly: Well, I haven't been out in a long time. Frasier: There, see? There you go. You know, they happen to make a sumptuous creme brulee here. Mrs. Daly: Really? Well... why the hell not? Frasier seems happy at this. FADE OUT. MOONSTUCK Scene 3 - Frasier's Apartment Fade in. Niles and Daphne are coming in the front. Niles is carrying a foil swan used for take-home by fancy restaurants. Niles: Here we go. Daphne: Thank you. She takes his coat to hang it up. Niles: Thank you. I'll just put this in the fridge. He crosses for the kitchen. Daphne: That sure was a snooty restaurant. The waitress' eyebrows nearly hit the ceiling when I asked for a doggy bag. Reset to: the kitchen where Niles is putting the swan away. Niles: I don't know what their problem was, the people at the next table barely touched this pork chop. There is a thump from the living room and Daphne cries out. Niles: Daphne? Reset to: the living room as Niles hurries out. Daphne is on the floor in front of Martin's chair. Niles comes over to her. Niles: What happened? Daphne: I stepped on Eddie's chew toy and twisted my ankle. I don't think I can get up. Niles: Here, here, let me help you. He reaches down and takes her hands. He tries to pull her up, but simply grimaces with the strain. Niles: Damn these weak shanks! Daphne: Oh, it's not you, it's me! Niles: Oh, don't be silly. You're light as a feather. He gets behind her and tries to lift under her arms, to no avail. Daphne: Oh, Niles, look at me! I'm a tub! Niles: Darling, no. You might be perhaps a bit sturdier, but I love you no matter what your size. I need to create some sort of fulcrum. He sits on the coffee table, his legs under and tries to push her up, without success. Daphne: I've spent weeks watching meself expand. I kept hoping it would go away by itself. Niles: Well I'm sure all those sweets and lavish dinners I've heaped on you haven't helped. He crouches down behind her and tries pushing her up. Not happening. Daphne: It's not your fault. I just need to develop some willpower. Niles: I'll help you. We'll commit to a program of healthy eating and exercise. Together, there's nothing we can't... He tries to push a bit lower but his strength gives out and she slowly falls back on top of him. Niles: Maybe if I throw a rope over that beam. He squirms out from beneath her as Martin comes in. Martin: What happened? Niles: Oh, Daphne tripped over something and fell. Martin: Where's Eddie?! Oh my God! Eddie! Eddie! Eddie comes in from Daphne's room. Martin: [covering] Oh, there he is. I thought he might've ran away or somethin'. Niles: Oh, darling, look at that. Your ankle's swelling up already. [He points.] Daphne: It's the other one! Martin: Here, let me give you a hand. Daphne: Yeah, and no cracks, old man! I know I've gotten heavy and I've resolved to do something about it. Martin: All right, on three. One, two, three! They lift together, without results. Martin: Maybe the super has a hand truck. Daphne: Kill me! Frasier comes in. Frasier: Good lord, what happened? Niles: Daphne twisted her ankle and fell. Come help us lift her. Martin: Okay, boys, be careful. Use your legs. Working together, they lift Daphne up. She leans forward to get her balance. Daphne: Oh, bloody hell! I'm wearing two different shoes! The doorbell rings. Frasier goes to answer it as Niles helps Daphne off to her room. Martin: Daphne, I just thought of somethin' funny: It took three Cranes to lift you! Daphne glares at him and he suddenly finds it less funny. Frasier answers the door. It is Kenny. Frasier: Kenny. I thought you left hours ago. Kenny: I tried to, but I kept circling the block. I couldn't go home until I knew everything was taken care of. Frasier: Rest assured, you're off the hook. Kenny: Oh, thanks Doc. How did Janice take it? Frasier: I must say, she was rather attached to you, but I convinced her it was time to move on. Kenny: You're sure she's over me? 'Cause once I get under a lady's skin, I'm like a splinter. Frasier: I'm positive. Listen, Kenny, about Janice. There's something I'd like to ask you: See, we sort of hit it off. I made plans to see her again. Is that okay with you? Kenny: Are you kidding? Anything for the guy who saved my marriage. I only hope this woman makes you as happy as my wife makes me. He hugs Frasier. Frasier: Thanks. Okay. Let's save a little for the ladies, shall we? Kenny breaks the hug and laughs. FADE OUT. End of Act 1 Act 2 Scene 1 - Frasier's Apartment Fade in. Daphne comes in from her room as Frasier enters from the kitchen. Frasier: Oh, Daphne, listen. My date'll be here any second and I can't seem to find the water crackers. Daphne: Oh. Blame your brother. He cleared the kitchen of anything with any sugar, fat or flavor. Frasier: Ah, well. You know, I must say Daphne, I've admired your resolve the past few days. He heads for his room. Daphne: Oh, thank you, Dr. Crane. He exits. Daphne watches as he leaves, then goes to the bookshelf and pulls a box of chocolates from between two books. She opens it and quickly eats a couple. The doorbell rings. Daphne: Bloody hell. She closes the box and puts it back. Frantically chewing to finish the chocolates in her mouth, she goes to the door and opens it to reveal Niles. Daphne: Hi Niles. Niles: Hello, Daphne. Niles enters with a large box. Daphne: Oh, what's that? Niles: Here it is: the Body Sculptor 100! Guaranteed to work twelve muscle groups all at once. Daphne: I thought you were getting the 300. Niles: Ah, couldn't lift it. Set it up in your room? Daphne: Great, right behind you! As Niles exits to Daphne's room, she pulls the box of chocolates out again. Before she can have any, the doorbell rings again and she puts it back. Frasier comes from his room and Daphne hurries off to hers. Frasier answers the door. It is Kenny. Frasier: Oh, Kenny! Kenny: [entering] Sorry to barge in on you, I didn't know where else to turn. I think my wife's having an affair. Frasier: Oh, now, Kenny, try to calm down. Isn't it entirely possible that because you were thinking of cheating yourself, you're just projecting your guilt onto her? Kenny: No, no, Doc. She's been acting all weird lately. And tonight she went to a PTA meeting with her Wonder Bra jacked up to her chin. The doorbell rings. Frasier: Oh, lord, that'll be Janice. We have a date. Kenny: Oh, no, I don't want to see her! That might be a little awkward. Frasier: Right, right. Okay, tell you what: why don't you wait in my bedroom, it's right down the hall there. And I'll send her to the kitchen and come get you when the coast is clear. Kenny goes off to the bedrooms while Frasier opens the door to Mrs. Daly. Frasier: Oh, Janice, come on in. [She enters.] Here let me take your coat. She gives him her coat, revealing a rather low-cut dress. Frasier: Well, gosh, you look lovely. Mrs. Daly: Thank you. [She looks around.] What a nice place. I'm not used to a man with such good taste. Frasier: Oh, I'm sure that's not true. Mrs. Daly: Oh, it is, it is. Frasier: Janice, if you'll forgive me, I have something I need to take care of in the other room. I'll tell you what, why don't you head into the kitchen and select a wine. Mrs. Daly: Oh, I wouldn't know what to pick. Frasier: Well, all right. On the counter you'll find my wine log. Just select something from "Frasier's Favorites." She heads into the kitchen as Frasier goes to the bedrooms. CUT TO: Frasier's room. Kenny is pacing nervously as Frasier enters. Frasier: All right, Kenny, Janice is in the kitchen so you're free to go. Kenny: Go where? To an empty house? An all-night movie? Just walk the streets? Frasier: All those sound good. Kenny: I can't take it anymore! I'm gonna call her cell phone. I'll tell her I love her and demand she come home! Instead of crying on your shoulder, it's time I started acting like a man. Frasier: Good for you! He turns to leave. Kenny: Can you dial for me? My hands are sweaty. Frasier takes the phone. CUT TO: the living room. Daphne comes from her room, a towel around her neck and panting. Looking around to make sure no one is there, she goes to the box on top of the television. Opening it, she takes out an �clair and takes a big bite. Niles: Daphne! She looks around, desperately, then puts the �clair into the Chihuly sculpture by the hallway, pretending to dust it with her towel as Niles comes in from her room. Niles: Good news. I fixed the exercise machine. Turns out you didn't bend the frame, you just popped one of the springs. What are you doing? Daphne: Dr. Crane insisted I dust all knick-knacks before going out. Frasier comes in. Frasier: Ah, hello, Niles. Niles: Good God, man! Just because Daphne lives here doesn't mean she's at your beck and call twenty four hours a day! As soon as we finish our obliques, we're out of here whether you like it or not! He stomps off to Daphne's room. Daphne: Tyrant! She leaves to her room, leaving a confused Frasier to head for the kitchen. Frasier: Janice? Reset to: the kitchen. Mrs. Daly is on her cell phone. Mrs. Daly: Kenny, I'll have to call you back. Frasier comes in. Frasier: Hi. Have you selected a wine? Mrs. Daly: Uh, Frasier, I'm beginning to have second thoughts about this date. It's about Kenny. Frasier: Oh, lord, you're still thinking about Kenny. Listen, I know Kenny, I like Kenny, but he's married. Mrs. Daly: Well, I know... Frasier: And yet, he left his loving wife and family at home so he could go trolling bars for women. Mrs. Daly: Maybe he regrets that. Frasier: Oh yeah, sure. Men ALWAYS change. Mrs. Daly: Are you saying I can't trust him? Frasier: No. I'm saying that you deserve a man who thinks you're as special as I do. Mrs. Daly: You are very persuasive. Frasier: Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be back in one moment. Mrs. Daly: All right. Frasier exits. Reset to: the living room as he comes in. Martin is putting on his coat. Frasier: Dad! I thought you were going to clear out tonight. I've got a date. Kenny comes in. Kenny: Doc, I need you in the bedroom. He hurries back. Martin smirks. Martin: Pretty. Frasier: Very funny! Martin: I'm just taking Eddie for a walk and then I'll beat it on over to McGinty's, all right? As he heads for the bedroom, he notices something. He reaches into the sculpture and pulls out the �clair. Frasier: Dad! For God's sake, how many times do I have to tell you, my Chihuly is not a trash can! He thrusts the �clair into Martin's hand and stomps off. Martin looks confused a moment, then shrugs and takes a bite as he heads for the door. [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: Frasier's bedroom. Kenny is sitting on the bed, staring at his wallet photos. Frasier: All right, Kenny, time to go. Kenny: Look at her. How did I ever let a woman like this get away? Frasier ushers him out. Frasier: I'll tell you what, let me work up some preliminary thoughts over the weekend. Kenny: Look at this one. It's her at the Grand Canyon. I ask you: which one is the true natural wonder? Frasier looks at the picture in shock. Frasier: Oh, my God! Kenny: Yeah, those were the breast-feeding months. Good times. CUT TO: the living room. Daphne hurries across the room and looks in the Chihuly for her �clair, confused at it's absence. The doorbell rings. She opens it to reveal Roz. Roz: Hey, Daphne. Daphne: Hi Roz, come on in. Roz: I can't stay, I just brought you that low-fat cookbook I was telling you about. Daphne: You look nice. Roz: Oh, thanks. I'm going to a club tonight. I got this new perfume that's just loaded with pheromones. Daphne: What are those? Roz: I don't know, some sort of hormone that's supposed to get a guy all excited. Daphne: [laughing] You really think it'll work? Roz: It's worth a try. After all it is approved by the "Food and Love Administration." Check it out. Daphne sniffs. Daphne: I don't smell anything. Roz: Really? Maybe I should put some more on. Do you mind? Daphne: No, go ahead. Roz goes into the powder room. CUT TO: Frasier's room. Kenny and Frasier are sitting on the bed. Kenny: What kind of person goes out with another man's wife and tears a family apart?! I mean there are children involved here! Frasier: All right now, listen, let's not get overly dramatic, all right? Kenny: God, if you're listening, let me have vengeance on his soul! [getting up] I gotta go. Frasier: No! No, no, no. You're only going to do something rash. I'll tell you what, Kenny, I want you to lie down on the bed. Kenny: What? Frasier: Yes, yes. This is a very effective anger management technique. Kenny: All right. [He lays down.] Frasier: There you go. Just lean back, close your eyes and count to a hundred... thousand. He hurries out. CUT TO: the living room. Janice is on the couch when Frasier comes in. Mrs. Daly: Oh, Frasier, I'm ready for that wine, now. [She holds up the glasses.] Frasier: You're Kenny's wife! Mrs. Daly: Oh, God! [She puts the wine down.] How did you find out? Frasier: He's in my bedroom. Mrs. Daly: What? Frasier: He came here asking for advice. He thought you were cheating on him, which you very nearly were. Mrs. Daly: I've gotta get out of here! He helps her with her coat. Frasier: Right. Why did you lie to me? Mrs. Daly: I was angry and hurt and mixed up and you were so nice to me and I don't know... Frasier: Listen, you have to understand something, Kenny loves you. Yes, he was attracted to someone, but please, you have to forgive him for that. I mean, after all, you were attracted to me. Mrs. Daly: That was more revenge. Frasier seems a bit put off by this. Frasier: Ah. Well, that's neither here nor there. [He opens the door for her.] Listen, it was nice to meet you. Mrs. Daly: It was nice to meet you. I just want to thank you. For making an ordinary housewife feel so... Kenny: [from the hallway] Hey, Doc? Frasier: Goodbye. He pushes her out and closes the door as Kenny comes in. Kenny: That anger management's a load of crap! Frasier: Kenny, Kenny. Your wife is not cheating on you. Don't ask me how I know that. Maybe it's because of the hundreds of people I've counseled over the years, maybe, maybe it's just a hunch, I don't know. It's just that yes, the two of you have problems, but they're the kinds of problems people have when they've been in a relationship a long time. All you need to do is talk. I want you to go home. I'm sure you'll find your wife there waiting for you. Kenny: I hope you're right. Thanks Doc. Frasier: Oh, any time. Kenny: [noticing] That's my wife's purse. Frasier: Hmm? That's not your wife's purse. Kenny: Yes it is. Frasier: No, it's not. Kenny: I know my wife's purse, I got it for her birthday. Frasier: Lots of women can have the same purse. Frasier goes over and picks it up. Kenny: Well, if it's not hers, why don't you let me see it? Frasier: Kenny, I've gotta tell you something. It's a little complicated and I'm sure that in the future we'll all have a good laugh over it. It's just that well, I did not have a date with Janice tonight. Kenny: Well, you had a date with someone. The wine, the fire... Frasier: Yes, yes, I did have a date. But it was with... Roz comes out of the powder room. Kenny: Roz? Frasier: Exactly. Roz: What are you guys talkin' about? To quiet her, Frasier grabs her and kisses her. Roz: Wow! That stuff really works. Maybe I should wipe some of it off. Frasier: Right. Here, take your purse. Roz: Wait, Frasier, what are you talking about? This isn't my... Frasier grabs her again and bends her over for another kiss. Martin comes in and walks past them. Martin: I don't want to know. He exits to the kitchen. Frasier breaks the kiss and shoves Roz into the powder room. Kenny: You dog! Oh, by the way, Doc, I owe you some chocolates. I got a little hungry in your room and I noticed that box of Fanny Farmers you got stuck between two books? Thanks again. He leaves as Niles and Daphne come in from her room. Frasier: [confused] I don't keep chocolate in my room... [He knocks on the powder room door.] Roz! Get out here. He pulls the door open, but Roz grabs the knob on the other side. Roz: Try to control yourself! She pulls the door shut, Niles and Daphne look at each other in confusion. Martin: Who stashed a box of doughnuts behind Eddie's dog food? Daphne: [quickly] Well, we better get going. Niles: Okay. He helps her on with her coat, but her hand pushes something out of the sleeve onto the floor. Niles picks it up to find it is a Toblerone bar. Niles: Daphne? Is there something you want to tell me? Daphne: [sheepishly] I love you? Niles: Anything else? Daphne: [breaking down] I love chocolate. And pastries and, oh God, I can't stop eating. I'm out of control. She starts to weep on Niles' shoulder. Niles: Come here, come here, it's all right my love. We're going to get you through this. Frasier: Of course we will, Daph. You know, there are professionals who can help. Martin: Yeah, they can wire your jaw shut, staple your stomach, put a balloon in your gut... Frasier: Thank you Dad! I was referring to something more like a spa, all right? Although you might look into that jaw thing! He and Martin glare at each other. Niles: Daphne, I, I think a spa is a wonderful idea. They can oversee your diet and plan your exercise and help you understand why you're overeating. Frasier: Yes. Most importantly, Daphne, you should know that we love you, and you're not alone. Daphne: Oh, thank you. Roz comes out of the powder room. Frasier: Roz! Roz: No! You stay right there! I don't blame you, I blame the people at Mantastic. She hurries out as the others look at Frasier in confusion. [SCENE_BREAK] Niles is going around the apartment with Daphne, collecting all her hidden treats. They pull some things from an end table, then empties a drawer from the TV credenza. She thinks for a moment, then goes to the balcony doors. She pulls the end off of Martin's telescope and takes a pack of cookies from inside.
Hungry Heart