Frasier is planning to take Claire on a trip to Belize . He has a collection of brochures which Martin finds, and he also decides to go, hoping to do some fishing. Frasier discusses the plan with his brother, and Daphne overhears and assumes Niles is planning to go with her, to celebrate one year of their relationship. In the end, they all go, but Frasier and Claire arrive late after missing their flight; Lana drove them to the airport and her impatient driving caused an accident. Frasier has increasing difficulty enjoying himself, arriving late and discovering that his special room has been given away, that his restaurant table is gone, and that most of the fish on the menu has run out. Martin, however, has great fun fishing, and Niles and Daphne sample the experience of public nudity, not realizing that there is a fisherman nearby with a telescopic camera lens.
Act 1 Scene 1 - Frasier's Apartment Fade in. Niles is by the bookcase, Frasier comes from the kitchen with the placemats. Frasier: Oh, Niles? Listen, when Claire gets here, can you give us a moment of privacy, please? Niles: Of course. Frasier: Actually, I'm planning on asking her to go to Belize with me next weekend. Niles: Oh, Belize-imo! Frasier: You'd better Belize it! Niles: Let's see what we can do with "Ecuador." Frasier: Maybe later. Niles: Wait, next weekend? That's awfully soon, I hope Claire's free. Frasier: Yes, well actually Lana told me on the Q-T that Claire's already gotten wind of the trip, and she's eager to go. So all that's left for me to do is ask her and act surprised when she says "Yes." Niles: Wow. Frasier: So, are you jealous? Niles: Well, I might be jealous, but as it happens, I have plans next weekend myself. You know Daphne and I are celebrating one year of being together. Frasier: Niles, that's wonderful. Gosh. So, what do you have in store? Niles: Oh, a weekend alone at my apartment. You see, we don't need beaches or sunsets, just a simple Victorian bathtub filled with champagne, us, and a non-slip mat. Frasier: It's romantic and yet prudent. Very good. Niles: Thank you very much. He shows a brochure to Niles. Frasier: Here's where I'm taking Claire. Do you think she'll like it? Daphne comes in from the kitchen. Niles: Lush grounds, white sandy beaches, this hotel looks amazing, she's going to love it! Daphne looks excited and sneaks back into the kitchen. Frasier: Oh, Niles, I also took the liberty of buying myself a new piece of luggage by Moritzio. Would you care to see it? Niles: Moritzio?! Try and stop me! I'm green with envy! They rush off to Frasier's room. Daphne comes back in and picks up the Belize brochure, looking though it with excitement. The doorbell rings and she goes to answer it. It is Claire. Daphne: Oh, hello, Claire. Claire: Hi, Daphne. You seem so happy. What? Daphne: Well it seems Niles is going to surprise me with an exotic trip for our anniversary. Claire: How funny. You know, Frasier... Daphne: I'm so excited. We've only recently started going away together. We wanted to wait until we got to know each other better. Claire: Really? Daphne: I know, it sounds old fashioned. But there's nothing worse for a relationship than moving too fast. Frasier and Niles come back into the living room. Frasier: Oh, hi, Claire. Niles: Hello. Claire: Oh, hi. Daphne: I've just been telling Claire about our anniversary plans. Niles: Oh, yes! There's no place like home. Daphne: Right, home. They all chuckle, for different reasons. Niles and Daphne head into the kitchen. Claire sits on the couch. Frasier: Claire, listen, uh, I know this is coming out of the blue, but how would you like to go away with me next weekend, to Belize? Claire: That sounds wonderful, Frasier. Frasier: [sitting beside her] I thought you might say that. Claire: Only... do you think maybe it's too soon for us to go away together? Frasier: Well, I, I don't know. Do you? Claire: I don't know. Frasier: Well, I'd hate for us go away before we're ready. Claire: So are you saying we're not ready? Frasier: I... don't know. Are you? Claire: I don't know. I just don't want to jeopardize our relationship. Frasier: Would we be? Claire: I don't know. Frasier: Well, if we don't know, maybe we should wait. Claire: Okay, you know best. Frasier looks confused and disappointed. Reset to: - the kitchen. Daphne is preparing sandwiches. Daphne: So Niles... Niles: Mm-Hmm? Daphne: About our anniversary weekend, I'm trying to figure out what to bring. Will your apartment be warm that weekend, or unseasonably cold? Niles: Well, I keep the thermostat at a steady seventy-one, but I'm flexible within a degree or two. Daphne: Will we snorkel? Niles looks shocked. Niles: Daphne, you're making me blush. Daphne: Oh, Niles, stop it. I know about the trip to Belize! I'm sorry, I overheard you talking to your brother. Trust you to plan something so romantic! Niles: That isn't what... Daphne: Stop the charade! A bathtub full of champagne, please! We used to do that in high school! She heads off to the living room as Frasier comes in. Frasier: Well, turns out I'm not going to Belize after all. Claire thinks it may be too soon for us to go away together. Or I do. I forget who spoke last. Niles: Well, I'm so sorry. You must be devastated. Frasier: Well... Niles: Can I have your reservations? Frasier: Excuse me? Niles: Well, I've decided to go away with Daphne for our anniversary. Frasier: Why not? At least one of us should have the most romantic weekend of his life. Niles: Thank you Frasier. I only wish it could be you. Do you suppose I could borrow your new luggage? [off Frasier's look] That's too far. Reset to: the living room. Claire steps out of the powder room. Daphne: Well, it's official. Niles is whisking me away next weekend. I'm so excited. Each trip just gets better and better. Claire: [rising] Because you waited. Daphne: I suppose, but looking back I can't believe we held off for so long. All the fun we missed. Let's face it, when it's the right person, there's no sense in waiting. Claire sits down at the table with a confused look. Daphne heads off. Frasier comes in and hands Claire a bottle of water. Frasier: Well, here we are, Claire. Claire: Thank you. Frasier, about Belize... Frasier: [sitting] Now, now, Claire, we've made our decision and I think it's a good one. Claire: Maybe it's not too soon to go away. Frasier: Go on. Claire: Are we possibly denying ourselves a wonderful trip? Frasier: Well, examining it from all angles, one could certainly make a case... Claire: Let's go! Frasier: I'm already packed! They kiss and Claire gets up. Claire: Oh, I better run! Frasier: [rising] I thought we were having lunch. Claire: Well, if we're going to Belize, I've got some shopping to do. Frasier: What do you mean "if"? Claire: What do you mean? Frasier: Just go shop! Claire: Ahh, bye! Frasier: Bye-bye. She leaves as Niles comes back into the room. Frasier: Niles, I'm sorry, it turns out Claire and I are going to Belize after all. You and Daphne will have to go someplace else. Niles: Wait! Daphne has her heart set on Belize! Frasier: Niles, this is not "Cranes Go Caribbean", I want to be alone with Claire! Martin and Roz come in the front door, walking Eddie and Ariel. Martin: Hey guys. Frasier: Oh, hi, Dad. Roz: Hi, guys. Ariel, come and say hello to Frasier and Niles. She kneels down and hold her dog up. Roz: Say hello. Niles: Hello. Roz: Say hello. Frasier: Hello. Roz: Say hello! Frasier: Yes, all right, Roz, that's enough, please. Roz: Ariel just joined Martin's dog group at the park. Martin: Eddie was his sponsor! Roz: And Ariel discovered squirrels. I discovered I'm not the only woman using my dog to meet men. Apparently we also hunt in packs. Come on, let's go get some water. She takes her dog into the kitchen. Martin: Hey, Frasier, I got a little favor to ask you. Duke and I are going on a fishing trip next weekend, and I need you to look after Eddie. Frasier: Actually, I've got plans next weekend, Dad. Where are you going? Martin: Belize! Yeah, I saw that brochure you had lyin' around. The fishing looks fantastic, not to mention the sandy beaches, the lush grounds... Frasier: Yes, Dad, I'm familiar with it. That's where I'm taking Claire. Niles: And I'm going with Daphne. [Frasier glares at him.] Well, if he's goin', I'm goin'! Martin: Great! Frasier: What the hell. The more the merrier. He looks resigned, if grumpy. FADE OUT. GETTING THERE IS HALF THE FUN Scene 2 - Lana's VW Fade in. Lana is driving Frasier to the airport. Frasier: Oh, by the way, thanks for driving me and Claire to the airport. Lana: Frasier, please, are you kidding? Because of you, my Kirby got a "B" in history. A "B." Frasier: Yes, it turned out well for both of us. For once, somebody else got the grade and I got the girl. Lana: God, I just hope Claire is waiting outside. This traffic is terrible. Lana honks her horn and swerves. Frasier takes her cigarette and puffs on it. Lana: I didn't know you smoked. Frasier: I don't. The way you're driving I'm not gonna die of natural causes anyway. Lana: Give me that. Do you have a problem with my driving? Frasier: No, no, it's fine. Just wish you'd pick a lane, that's all. Lana: Pick, pick, pick, pick, pick, pick. Well, you're certainly an expert at that. Frasier: What is that supposed to mean? Lana: It means... that nothing is ever good enough for you. You complain about everything. Frasier: That is not true! Lana: Oh, come on, Frasier! I have been out with you! "The wine has turned." "The silver has tarnished." "The service is too slow." "The cheese is runny." Frasier: Fine, it was Camembert. If anything, it wasn't runny enough. Yes, I may have exacting standards, but what you choose to characterize as fault-finding, I think of as my steadfast refusal to settle. Lana: Please! This Newport is more alive with pleasure than you are. The truth is, Frasier, you don't know how to be happy. Frasier: That is ridiculous. Lana: Admit it. You know I'm right. Frasier: Want to see me happy? You leave more than half a car length between us and that Taurus. Lana's eyes go wide in fear and she stomps on her brakes. The car smashes into the Taurus and the hood flips up. Frasier: At least whoever gets my seat on the plane will be happy. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 3 - The Hotel Lobby in Belize Fade in. Frasier is sitting at a table, the manager comes up. Manager: Dr. Crane? Dr. Crane? I understand your room is not satisfactory? Frasier: YES, I HAD A RESERVATION FOR AN OCEAN-VIEW SUITE AND INSTEAD I GOT A SINGLE ROOM OVERLOOKING AN ABANDONED BUS! Manager: Please, sir, you don't have to yell. Frasier: OH, I'M SORRY. YOU SEE, MY EARS GOT CLOGGED SOMEWHERE ABOVE OAXACA AND THEY HAVEN'T POPPED YET! NOW IF I COULD JUST GET THE ROOM THAT I RESERVED... Manager: I'm afraid we gave your room away. Check in time is three o'clock and we never heard from you. Frasier: LET ME SEE... AT THREE O'CLOCK, MY GIRLFRIEND AND I HAD JUST DISEMBARKED IN PUNTA GORDA FROM OUR PLANE, THAT WAS LATE BECAUSE THE PILOT HAD TO DUST SOME CROPS. I COULD HAVE CALLED DURING MY CONNECTING TRACTOR RIDE, BUT I HAD TO FIND OUT WHICH OF FOUR AIRLINES HAD LOST MY LUGGAGE, NOT TO MENTION... my ears just popped! Manager: Congratulations, sir. He walks away. Frasier: I still want a better room! As he sits back down, Claire walks in. Claire: FRASIER, THIS PLACE IS WONDERFUL! YOU SHOULD SEE THE POOL! Frasier: It's all right, my ears are better now. Claire: Oh! Well, that's good news. Frasier: Yes, we're on a roll. Niles and Daphne come in. Daphne: Well, look who's here. Niles: Well hello there. We thought you'd decided to hide in your hotel room all weekend. Claire: Well, actually, we just got here, we missed our flight this morning. Daphne: Oh dear, what happened? Frasier: Well, Lana happened. We were on our way to the airport... Claire: Frasier, please. They don't need to hear the whole story and God knows I'm good for a while. Niles: So, who's up for a drink? Daphne: Oh, yes, you've got to try a Belize Bomber. Couple of those and you'll be flying. Come on. Claire gets up and she and Daphne head to the bar. Niles: Yes, plus every one you kill they put a decal on your coconut. Frasier: You go ahead Claire, I'm still working on our room. Niles: Frasier, this vacation is going to do you good. This place is completely freeing. Would you believe today I dabbled in public nudity? Daphne and I found a secluded cove on the beach. We shed our garments and surrendered ourselves to the sand, the sea and one rather curious grouper. Frasier: Don't you have a diary? Martin comes up. Martin: Well, look who finally got here! Frasier: Hi, Dad. Martin: Fras, how was your flight? Niles: Oh, don't poke the bear, Dad. How was fishing? Martin: Oh, Duke and I caught the biggest marlin you've ever seen. The swells were huge, it took us two hours to reel it in. Niles: Where's Duke? Martin: He's up in his room. Sunburned, heaving his guts out. You guys oughta come out tomorrow. Frasier and Niles laugh off this offer. A hostess comes up. Hostess: Sir? Your table is ready. Martin: Oh, thanks. Fras, why don't you and Claire join us? Frasier: Oh, no thanks Dad. We've reserved a romantic table for two at the water's edge. Martin: Oh, say no more. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 4 - the dining room. Martin, Daphne and Niles are eating dinner. Martin: Well, I've gone on long enough about fishing. What'd you guys do today? Niles: Oh, you know, took a swim, got some sun. He and Daphne grin at each other. Martin: Well, just make sure you keep your suits on. The skipper of the fishing boat has a telephoto lens. He posts the photos in the bait shop under "Catch of the Day." Niles and Daphne share a nervous glance. Frasier and Claire walk up. Martin: Oh, look who decided to join us. Frasier: Right. Martin: What happened to your table? Frasier: Well, we waited an eternity for our table but it never opened up. Claire: Frasier, this is fine. Let's just turn our chairs around. Look, ocean view. Frasier: Oh, all right. Waiter: Would you like a menu? Niles: Oh, you know what? You have got to get the John Dory. Daphne: No, it can't be any better than this halibut. Martin: No, don't listen to 'em. These soft-shelled crabs are meltin' in my mouth. Waiter: I'm sorry, sir, but we're out of all three. Claire puts her hand to her head in anticipation of what's coming. Frasier: Wonderful. Well, what fish do you have? Waiter: We make a decent swordfish. Frasier: "Decent"? That's what I traveled four thousand miles for? "Decent"? You should put that on your menu: Home of the Decent... Claire: I'll have the swordfish. Frasier: Right. Swordfish is fine, thank you. The waiter heads off. Claire: Frasier, what's the matter? Frasier: Didn't you hear? They're out of everything... Claire: Frasier! We've both had a long day, but we're here now, why can't you make the most of it? The others make noises of agreement. Frasier: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You know, you're right. Okay, not another word. Martin: Well, as long as everyone's here, I'd like to make a toast. Frasier: All righty. Martin: Uh, there's nothing gives me greater joy than to see both my boys happy. He starts to lift his drink, but winces and cries out. Daphne: Mr. Crane, is something the matter. Martin: AHH, it's reelin' that fish in today, my arms are shot. I'll be all right. Anyway, what I wanted to say was- AHHH! Niles: Dad, don't be a hero. Put down the coconut. Martin: Well, I just want to say that I'm not the only fisherman in the family. In fact, I'm not even the best one. One year ago, after seven years of trying to get her to bite, Niles finally hooked Daphne. And I think we'd all agree that she's quite a catch. The others call "Hear, hear." Daphne: Oh, thank you. She lifts Martin's drink up so he can sip the straw. The waiter comes back to whisper to Frasier. Martin: And Claire, I just want you to know how glad we are that you're here. I don't remember Frasier being this happy in a long time. Frasier: Out of swordfish too? Waiter: I'm sorry sir, may I suggest the pepper steak? Frasier: Steak? That's what we should eat at Belize's finest seafood restaurant? There's an ocean full of fresh fish not fifteen feet away, but why not try a slab of artery-clogging, hormone- injected, frozen red meat instead?!?! He stops as everyone stares at him. Frasier: I'm sorry Dad. Please continue. Martin: No, that's all right, I'm done. Claire: Actually, I think I am, too. Excuse me. She gets up and hurries out. Frasier: [rising] Oh, Claire. Claire! He rushes after her. Martin glares at the waiter. Martin: You didn't tell me you had steak here! The waiter adopts a very put-upon look. FADE OUT. End of Act 1 Act 2 Scene 1 - Frasier's Hotel Room Fade in. Frasier comes into the room. He notices Claire's suitcase laid open on the bed. Frasier: Claire? Claire: [calling from the bathroom] Yes? Frasier: Listen, uh... I, I don't blame you for wanting to leave, but before you go, I, I'd just like to say that I'm really sorry for getting so upset. You see, it's just that since I met you, I thought... I've thought you were pretty much perfect for me. And I guess I just wanted our first trip together to be perfect too. I think it still can be. What can I say to convince you to stay? Claire comes out of the bathroom in a silk nightgown. Frasier: I see I'm off to a pretty good start. Claire: Frasier, I wasn't going to leave. I'm crazy about you. I just started to feel like you didn't want to be here with me. Frasier: Oh, gosh, nothing could be further from the truth. They embrace. Claire: I mean, this weekend doesn't have to be perfect, let's just try to have fun. Frasier: Fun? Oh, I can do that. Fun's been my nickname since math camp. Claire: Math camp? You're just trying to get me into bed. She pushes him to the bed and joins him. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 2 - Later Frasier curls up next to Claire. Frasier: I must say, this trip has certainly taken a turn for the better. I'll tell you something else: I'm happy. Utterly and completely happy. He lays back and drifts off. The woman next to him rolls over, it is now Lana. Lana: I'm glad, Frasier. I'm happy too. They kiss. CUT TO: Claire shaking Frasier awake. Claire: Frasier? Frasier? Frasier? Are you okay? You were talking in your sleep. Frasier: Oh, yes, I'm okay, I'm fine. Go back to sleep. Claire turns back over. Frasier caresses her shoulder to make sure she's asleep, then slips out of bed. FADE OUT. Scene 2 - The Hotel Lobby Fade in. Frasier is on the phone in his bathrobe. Frasier: Hi, it's me, Frasier. Listen, I'm aware of the time, it's just that... Well, you're the last person on Earth I thought I'd be calling but I had this dream and I had to talk to you about it. CUT TO: a dark bedroom. A figure is on the phone. As she speaks and turns on the light we see it is Lilith. As the scene progresses, we cut back and forth between Lilith and Frasier. Lilith: Oh, God. I suppose you expect me to be awake for this conversation, don't you? Frasier: Okay, I'll be brief. It's just that I'm on vacation with my girlfriend Claire, a woman who by all conventional standards is perfect for me, and yet I just had a vivid sexual dream about someone who differs from her entirely. Lilith: A man? Frasier: Not that different. Lilith: Someone you've slept with? Frasier: Well, yes, but it didn't work out. You see, I worshipped her for years, but then we had a parting of the ways because it turns out she was just unpleasant, confrontational, self- centered... Lilith: Frasier, if you're dreaming about me, just say it. Frasier: No, Lilith, it's not you. It's a woman named Lana. Lilith: Well, it seems like a textbook simple dream. Why are you calling me? Frasier: Well, because you know me better than anybody else, and you're a terrific psychiatrist. Lilith: Thank you. Frasier: So what do you think? Lilith: As a working hypothesis, I'd say you have the hots for Lana. Frasier: No, no, you see. maybe I'm not making myself clear. You see, the woman irritates me to no end. She's antagonistic and, and opinionated. Critical... Lilith: Oh, so I see. What you're saying is unlike most women you've dated, she challenges you. Frasier: Well, maybe so, that's not the point. You see Claire is perfect for me. Lilith: All right. Why does this dream about Lana upset you? Frasier: I don't know. Lilith: Are you sure? Frasier: Lilith? Do you think I know how to be happy? Lilith: Of course you do. You just like a challenge. You've never been one to take the easy road. Frasier: Well, it seems I've skidded right off the road this time and into a ditch. A deep one. Lilith: Well, you could try to throw it into reverse and spin your wheels for a while. Or you could get out into the ditch and get a little dirty. Frasier: I see. Lana's the ditch, right? Lilith: It's your metaphor. Frasier: Yes, well I guess I've got some thinking to do. Thanks for talking, Lilith. Lilith: Any time. I love you Frasier. Frasier: I love you too. He hangs up the phone. FADE OUT. [SCENE_BREAK] Daphne is standing in front of the bait shop. Niles comes sauntering out. He reaches into his shirt and pulls out a photo. Looking at it, they're both a bit shocked. But they continue to look at it and share a naughty look. Hearing a noise from the bait shop, they hurry off. A man chases after them with a hammer, furious at the theft. [N.B. The bait shop owner is played by director Sheldon Epps.]
Cranes Go Carribean