Marshall and Lily research how to conceive a baby with the gender of their choice. Meanwhile, Robin is growing more and more irritated by her perky new co-anchor, Becky.
Ted from 2030: Kids, in the fall of 2010, our friends Stuart and Claudia had a baby, and Marshall and Lily were the first to visit the happy new parents. Marshall's and Lily's friends' appartment Marshall: So, have you guys landed on a name yet? Stuart: We're trying, but it's tougher than you think. You see, I like "Tiffany." Claudia: And I don't want my daughter to have a whore's name. Stuart: That's my mother's name. Claudia: I know. Stuart: Oh, I got it. How 'bout we name the baby after you-- "Frigid Shrew." Claudia: Oh, that's good. No, no, no, no. Let's call her "Vodka." Then at least we know you'd hold her tight and never let her go! Stuart: Don't knock the vodka. Wouldn't have a kid without it. Marshall: Stuart, you are so... That's not gonna be us, right? I mean, how hard can it be to name a baby? Lily: Right? I mean, just look at her. Yeah. She's clearly a... Marshall: Emily. Lily: Lisa. Marshall: Lisa?! Lily: Emily?! [OPENING CREDITS] The Bar Marshall: Okay! I made a list of awesome baby names. Starting at the top: number one... Ted: I'm gonna stop you right here, Marshall. You name a chubby white kid "LeBron," and he's the one getting stuffed in the basketball hoop. Marshall: Then I'm also crossing off, um, "Shaquille"... Mm-hmm. "Hakeem," and "Dikembe." Hey, what about "Rob"? Lily: "Rob"? No. Marshall: Why not? [FLASHBACK] (Lily is in class) Lily: Hey, Rob. What are you gonna make? A turkey? (Rob puts his hand on Lily's breast) Rob: Honka, honka! [END OF FLASHBACK] Lily: Not "Rob." Marshall: um, how about "Ryan"? Ted: Ooh. [FLASHBACK] (all screaming, Lily has a something stuck in her leg) [END OF FLASHBACK] Lily: Not "Ryan." Marshall: "Johnny?" [FLASHBACK] Lily: Hey, where's the goldfish? (A child is eating the fish) [END OF FLASHBACK] Lily: Not "Johnny." Or "Gil." Marshall: "Jeremy." [FLASHBACK] Lily: Jeremy, no! (Jeremy is throwing paint around the room) [END OF FLASHBACK] Lily: Definitely not "Jeremy." His stuff was so derivative. (Robin comes in and sits next to Ted) Marshall: Well, I mean, geez, Lily. Robin: Well, whatever you do, do not name your baby "Becky," right? Marshall: Why? What? Robin: Becky. My new co-anchor? Don't you guys ever watch the show? Lily: Oh, honey, I really try. Marshall: Our DVR won't recognize it as a television program. Ted: I watched. Robin insisted I confirm how "awful" Becky is, so last night I checked it out. [FLASHBACK] Robin: Peace talks in the region have been described as, "productive." Becky? Becky: (in baby voice): Last night, in Staten Island, a taco cart owner was robbed at gunpoint. Aww... That's so sad. Robin: Becky, we're-we're journalists. We can't get emotional about the news, we... Becky: Oh, no! They stole all his money and then pelted him with his own taco meat! Who would do that? Robin: Well, if you read the story, we might find out. Becky: Oh, can I do this one, about the horse? I love horseys. Mm-hmm. Aww, the horse died. Guys! This news is all really sad. [END OF FLASHBACK] Robin: Okay, no holds barred-- what'd you think of Becky? Ted: Mmm... (muttering) I thought she was charming. Robin: You, too? Can somebody please explain to me why the little girl act works on men? Barney: You want the long version or the short version? Lily: Short version. Barney: Short version. Who's your daddy? Lily: You know, when you think about that, that phrase is really creepy. Marshall: No, it's not. It's fun. Here, watch this. Hey, Lily... Who's your daddy? Robin: Okay, uh, let me get this straight. So, in, uh, in this scenario, because you make such sweet love to Lily, she is now your daughter. Marshall: No, she is not my daughter. I'm just her daddy. Ted: Wow. That is disgusting. Robin: Exactly. And it's not like the opposite would work. There's no way a guy could pick up a girl, going around talking like a little boy. Barney: Challenge accepted. Robin: No. Barney: I, Barney Stinson, will pick up a girl whilst talking like a little boy. (all grumbling in protest) Lily: Okay. Here's my list of baby names. Marshall: Oh. Lily: What about "Tara"? Marshall: No. Not "Tara." Tara was the hottest girl in my high school. We were all, like, obsessed with her. [FLASHBACK] Marshall: We didn't just talk about her and fantasize about her... We wrote songs about her. Marshall and his friends, singing: * Tara, your booty is so smooth; And I hope this isn't rude; But I want to get up on it. * [END OF FLASHBACK] Marshall: Not "Tara." Lily: What about "Esther"? [FLASHBACK] Announcer: Gentlemen, gentlemen. Coming up on the main stage, give it up for Esther! Marshall: Oh. Oh. Hey, Barney. That prime rib was surprisingly good, but it's 10:30 in the morning. I don't need to see a lady get naked and dance. Barney: Oh, Esther gets naked. But she doesn't dance. Marshall: Then what does she do? Sweet mother nature! Barney: That was my card! Announcer: Gentlemen, gentlemen. Give it up for Esther! (explosive pop, men cheering and whistling) [END OF FLASHBACK] Marshall: Not "Esther." I need a drink. Ted? Ted? (Marshall and Ted go away) Ted: Marshall, your list is entirely boy names. You do realize there's roughly a 50% chance of you having a daughter, right? Marshall: Okay, honestly, I've never thought about having a girl. I don't want to think about having a girl. Tara, Esther -- can you imagine being one of those girls' dads? (Marshall is visualizing high school boys singing a song for his daughter: * Marshall's daughter; Your booty; Your booty's so smooth. *; then in a club: Announcer: Gentlemen, gentlemen. On the main stage, give it up for Marshall's daughter.) He screwed up my childhood. That's why I do this. Marshall: I have no idea how to raise a daughter! What if she makes bad choices? I mean, what if she winds up dating some... Oh, God. Marshall's daughter: Papa, I want you to meet my new boyfriend. Barney: Hey, bro. Thanks for making such a hottie. (weak laughter) Who's your daddy? Marshall's daughter:You are, 'cause of all the s*x we have. (Barney chuckles salaciously) Marshall: I don't want a girl. I just want a little boy. Ted: It's not what it sounds like, folks. Marshall is on a visio conference with his parents Marshall: Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad. Judy: Marshall? Is that you? Marshall:Oh, okay, um... You guys, you're a little too close to the camera. Can you back up a bit? Marvin: How's this? Marshall: Every time. Um, can you just sit in front of the computer like normal human beings? Perfect! Perfect. Marvin: What's up, shooter? Marshall: Um, to be honest, I'm getting a little freaked out about the idea of having a daughter. I know you two probably aren't the right people to talk to about this. You had all boys. Marvin: Oh, well, that was just dumb luck. Hey, honey, would you get me a brewski from out of the shed? Judy: Sure. You want anything, Marshall? Marshall: I'm in a computer, Mom. Judy: Oh. Marvin: Yeah, all boys. Total co-winky-dink. It was no co-winky-dink. Since the Viking age, the Eriksen men have passed down ancient secrets for conceiving boys. Number one, avoid lemons. They're baby girl fertilizer. Marshall: Okay... No offense, Dad, but I doubt there's any scientific data to support-- Marvin: "I doubt there's any scientific data to support.."" I had all sons. Your grandfather had all sons. Your great-grandfather had all sons. Scoreboard! Who you gonna listen to? Me? Or "scientific data"? Robin's work place Robin: Members of the G-8 convened today in Vienna to discuss plans to fight climate change by re... What? Becky: Ask me what I did yesterday. Robin: Hey, Becky, Becky, this is our news segment, okay? Nobody cares what you did yesterday. Becky: Lighten up, Robin. (in baby voice): What'd you do, sweetheart? Robin: Mike! Becky: Well, I'm new in town and don't know many people. But yesterday, I met the sweetest man, who took me on a tour of the city. (whispering) Guys, New York is kind of cool. Robin: Okay, back to the G-8 conference. Hello? Mike, can I get in the shot? Fantastic. Becky: Then this cutie patootie took me to this bar called MacLaren's, right underneath his apartment. Robin:Wait-- did you go out with Ted Mosby? Becky: Yes! Guys, I went out with Robin's roommate. I saw her bedroom. (whispering) She's a messy Bessie. Robin:In other news, later today, a Manhattan architect gets punched in the throat. [SCENE_BREAK] The Bar Ted: Ow! Robin: Ted, of all the women in New York, you had to go out with an eight-year-old girl? Ted: Not what it sounds like, folks. Robin: Ted, you know that I hate her. How could you go out on a date with this girl? Ted: It wasn't a date. She came over to the apartment looking for you. [FLASHBACK] Becky: I made Robin my famous chocolate chip cookies. But instead of chocolate chips, I used gummie bears. Ted: Aww... Becky: (shrieks) A spider! [END OF FLASHBACK] Robin: Let me guess: she acted like a helpless little girl, and you stepped in as the big, strong man. Ted: I don't know if that's totally true. [FLASHBACK] Ted: It's okay, little darlin'. Becky: Poor spider. Ted: Hey, hey, hey, hey. Spiders gotta die so trees can grow. [END OF FLASHBACK] Ted: Then I held her tight and told her it was all gonna be okay. By the way, I think I only wounded the spider. It crawled off into my bedroom. Robin: Wait. Is that why you slept on the couch last night? Ted: (scoffing) Yeah, I slept. Barney: I'm dying out here. Talking like a little boy is not working with the ladies. [FLASHBACK] Barney: (in childlike voice) Wow, lady. You got some tig ol' bitties! Gosh! Your body's a perfect... this many. (To another girl) Hi. Do you want to wrestle with our special bathing suit places? Come on! [END OF FLASHBACK] Lily's and Marshall's appartment Marshall: Mm, I just need two seconds, baby. Lily: I know you think that's a compliment, but I'd rather you took your time. Marshall: No, um... I'll be right back. (Marshall goes into the bathroom et takes a box from the bathtub) [FLASHBACK] Marvin: Ancient Norse wisdom tells us that, to sire a son, you must do three things right before you lay with your maiden. First, eat pickled herring. Eat it! [END OF FLASHBACK] Marshall: This is ridiculous. (He imagines his daughter, pregnant et in a wedding gown) ANNOUNCER: Gentlemen, gentlemen, on the main stage, throwing her life away, give it up for Marshall's daughter! The Bar Barney: (little boy voice) Hey, want to have a three-way with me and my imaginary friend? His name's Otis. Hey, hey, want to come to my house and play telephone? I got the string; you got the cans. (giggles) I wet myself! Will you change me? Can't blame her on that one. Guys... I have some terrible, terrible news. I, Barney Stinson, can't pick up a girl whilst talking like a little boy. Challenge forfeited. Robin: Yeah, we don't care about this... Ted: No one challenged you, so it wasn't really a challenge. Barney: (whispers) I'm sorry. Man: Hey, Gerard, what's with that shirt? Nobody could pick up a chick wearing that thing. Barney: Challenge accept... Ted: Wow, I'm glad that's over. It was creepy watching Barney talk like a little kid. Robin: Oh, but you find it irresistible when Becky does? I don't get it. The Ted that I went out with was attracted to the kind of woman who could use a steak knife without supervision. Ted: For your information, Becky doesn't like steak, she likes pasghetti. Spaghetti. And more importantly, she makes me feel needed. Robin: Needed? (scoffs) She makes training wheels feel needed. Ted: Hey, it's nice to feel needed. And you know what? It's not a feeling guys get when they're with you. [FLASHBACK] Marvin: Son... Viking lore tells us that to ensure the continuation of your noble male lineage... get a big old bowl of ice and dunk your man sack right in there! Judy: You two and your football. [END OF FLASHBACK] Marshall: Okay. (He dunks your man sack in a big old bowl of ice) Mm-hmm. [FLASHBACK] Marvin: Now get in there, point Lily due north and make me a grandson! Eriksen! [END OF FLASHBACK] Marshall: Eriksen! (Marshall goes out of the bathroom) The Bar Robin: When we were dating, I... I didn't make you feel needed? Ted: Come on! You always took charge of everything. [FLASHBACK] (Ted takes the pizza and is going to pay for it when Robin arrives) Robin: I got this. Ted: Thanks. (Later, on the couch) Ted: This okay? Am I hurting y... Robin: I got this. Whoa! (Later) Ted: Someone's trying to break in-- call the cops. (Robin comes out of the room, a gun in her hand) Robin: I got this. [END OF FLASHBACK] Robin: Did that really bother you? Ted: Well, yeah. It's nice to be needed. Look, I'm sorry. (phone chimes) I didn't mean to upset you. It's Becky. Aw, she's trapped in a revolving door. Robin: I got this. Ted: Yeah. Lily's ans Marshall's bedroom Marshall: (goofy voice) Let's make a baby! Lily: Whoa! Baby, you're packing snowballs, and your breath smells like a mermaid fart. Marshall: Loving the dirty talk-- but you know what's even hotter? If we face this-a-way. Ooh, we're bad. Lily: Wait... hey, baby, why are you facing me north? You're trying to make us have a boy. Marshall: I... can ex... How do you know about the north thing? Um, um... And what are you doing with those lemons? [FLASHBACK] Marvin: Baby girl fertilizer! [END OF FLASHBACK] Marshall: You're trying to make us have a girl! You are trying to make us have a girl. Lily: All my least favorite students have been boys. So I Googled "how to make a girl some really weird stuff came up but finally, I found this conception Web site that said you should point south at the moment of conception... eat a lemon......and heat up your lady parts to a balmy 105 degrees. (blow-dryer whooshing) Ooh... ah... Oh, that's not bad. Marshall: Lily, how could you do... exactly the same thing I did? You're supposed to be the sane one. Lily: See that? Another boy expecting a woman to clean up his mistakes. That's why girls are way better than boys. Marshall: Oh, really. Well, then how come whenever there's a creepy kid in a horror movie it's always a little girl? Or twin girls, who speak... (eerily): in unison. Lily: Oh, well, what about Chucky? Marshall: Okay, A) He was a doll; B) He was possessed by an adult serial killer; and C) How could you bring up Chucky right before bed? Robin is at Barney's door Robin: Hey. Barney: Hey. Robin: Hey. Um, when we were dating, did... did I make you feel needed? Barney: No, I didn't feel like you needed me at all. Robin: That's what I thought. Uh, I'm sorry. Barney: Wait, where are you... That's a compliment. You are the least needy woman I've ever met-- that's awesome. I mean, no guy's gonna say "Who's your daddy?" to Robin Scherbatsky. You're your own daddy. And mommy. And weird survivalist uncle who lives in a cabin with a shotgun blaming stuff on the government. And that is what makes you the most... amazing, strong... independent woman I've ever banged. Robin: Thanks, Barney. You know, um... there's something that I wanted to ask you, and I don't really know how to say it so... here goes. Who's the crazy chick in the apron? Woman: (baby voice) Someone naughty left his toys on the floor and needs to be spanked on his tushy-tush. Barney: (baby voice): Uh-oh, I'm in "twubble." Woman: You did it? How? Barney: Last night, after admitting defeat, I just let myself go. [FLASHBACK] (Barney is eating an icecream at the bar) Woman: Mmm, that looks so good. Can I have some? Barney: No! It's my ice cream; you can't have any. Woman:(baby voice) Someone needs to teach you how to share. Who's your mommy? [END OF FLASHBACK] Barney: Challenge completed! (chuckles) Now, uh, can you get this freak out of here? I'm really scared. Robin: I got this. At Stuart's and Claudia's Lily: Oh, so you finally agreed on a name? Claudia: Uh, well,vthe other night she ran a really high fever. [FLASHBACK] (Stuart and Claudia are taking their girl to the hospital) Stuart: We rushed her to the emergency room at 3:00 in the morning, but they wouldn't admit her without a name. Right then and there, we realized how stupid we were being. [END OF FLASHBACK] Claudia: We looked at each other and, well, we just knew. Our baby's name is... Esther. Marshall: Esther? That's beautiful. Lily is throwing the lemons Lily: We're idiots. Marshall: Baby, names and gender, it's just, like... it's some way of giving ourselves the illusion that we have any control whatsoever. I- I just want a healthy, happy, 12-pound-- Lily: Whoa. Marshall: Ten-pound? Eight-pound? Lily: I guess, but, dude, you're writing checks my v*g1n* can't cash. Marshall: I love you. And I'm gonna love the crap out of whatever baby we have. Lily: Me, too. Marshall: You know what? We should just think of a name that's good for either a girl or a boy. Like, um... Marshall & Lily: Jamie. Lily: Marshall... we just named our baby. Jamie. The Bar Lily: Not Jamie. (Lily leaves the bar. She has two hand prints on her ass) Ted is offering an ice cream to Becky Ted: Shoe's untied. I got it. Yeah, this is over.
Baby Talk