Frasier is out of work and single, and has been having numerous arguments with his father. Martin considers moving in with Niles for a spell. Daphne considers that Martin no longer needs a live-in physical therapist , and looks for a new position. While moving Martin into his apartment, Niles kicks away his father's cane and he falls over. Martin becomes increasingly afraid that Niles is unconsciously trying to harm him to prevent Daphne from leaving.
ACT ONE Scene One - Frasier's Apartment FADE IN. Frasier comes stomping in from his room, Martin yelling at him from behind. Martin: Don't walk away from me when I'm yellin' at you! Frasier: I'll walk away from you if I want to! It's my house! Martin: Yes, don't I know it! You have no respect for my stuff! Frasier: Yes, well if you had labeled the cassette "Rodeo Bloopers", I wouldn't have taped over it, I would have thrown it away! Frasier storms out the front door. Martin sits in his chair and starts to read a paper. Frasier comes back in, contrite. Frasier: Dad, I'm sorry. Martin: Forget it, Fras. Frasier: You know, it's just that I've been so tense lately, being out of work. Martin: I know, I know. It's not easy, us both being home so much. Frasier: Yeah, well I suppose that during this little in-between-jobs period, we should just try to be extra careful not to get on each other's nerves. Martin: All right, I'll do that. Frasier: Good. [He notices something on the table by the door.] Dad, what's this? Martin: Oh, a call came in for you. Frasier: Rebecca Wendell! Oh my God! Martin: Isn't she that model you've been after? Frasier: Not just a model, Dad, a lingerie model! I met her at the symphony. Wow, this is amazing! When did this come in? Martin: About an hour ago. Frasier: I was here an hour ago. Martin: Yeah, you were in the tub. Frasier: [going to the phone] That didn't stop you yesterday when you came in to ask me if a peach smelled funny! For God's sake, Dad... Martin: I'd like to know how this is my fault! I put it right there in the special message bowl that we're all supposed to use. Frasier: Ah, it's her machine. Well, thanks a lot, Dad! I've been looking forward to this for months! Martin: Well, now you know how I feel about the rodeo tape. Frasier: Oh, for God's sake, the two things have no comparison whatsoever...! [charmingly into the phone] Hello, Rebecca, it's Frasier. Sorry I missed you. Please try again. Uh, bye. [He hangs up.] Well, I hope you're happy! Now I have to sit here all afternoon waiting for the phone to ring! Martin: As opposed to what you normally do? Frasier: Oh, that's rich coming from you! A man who's spent the last five years welded to his aptly named Lay-Z-Boy! Martin: [getting up] Well, I'm not so lazy that I can't get the hell out of here! Frasier: I haven't finished talking to you, yet! Martin: Well, I've finished listening! Frasier: As usual, running away from the problem! Martin: Not the problem, the yammering! You want to tape over somethin'? Try your mouth! He slams the door on his way out. Frasier stands there, furious. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - Cafe Nervosa FADE IN. Martin is sitting at a table by the counter, Roz comes in. Roz: Hey, Martin. Martin: Oh, hi, Roz. Roz: Decaf latte to go, please. So, is Frasier here? Martin: I hope not. Roz: Uh-oh. She sits at the table. Martin: Oh, he's just been such a pill lately. Roz: Well, you know, it's tough for people when they're out of work. They just get a little tense and irritable. [The waitress brings Roz a coffee cup.] To go! I said to go! [To Martin] So why don't you two take a little break from each other? Have you ever thought about, I don't know, staying with Niles for a while? Martin: Out of the frying pan into the fire, huh? Roz: Well, think about it. Niles's place is so huge, and he's at work all the time. Martin: That's true. And Maris is out of the picture now. Roz: You know, I just thought of something: for a while there, your daughters-in-law were Maris and Lilith. [Martin laughs] Whoa, Happy Thanksgiving! Martin: Yeah. Niles comes in. Martin: Hey, Niles. Niles: Hello. Roz: Niles. Niles: I'm not interrupting anything personal, am I? Roz: [taking Martin's hand] Yeah, Niles, we just eloped. I'm your new mom. [Martin smiles and pats her hand.] Niles: Well, I'll be a son of a bitch. Martin is shocked, but Roz and Niles just make faces at each other. Niles: [to waitress] Latte, please. Roz: So Martin, why don't you tell Niles your new idea? Martin: Well, actually, it was Roz's idea, but I think she might have something, you know? You know, Frasier and I have been kinda buttin' heads lately... Niles: Well, Frasier has been very difficult. I don't know how you live with him. Martin: Well, that was Roz's idea. She suggested that I move in with you for a while. Niles: [dumbstruck] Did she? Martin: Yeah. You know, we talked about it when I first got shot, but of course Maris was the problem. So I guess the big question now is: do you still want me? Niles: [a fake smile pasted on] Oh, don't be silly. I want you just as much now as I wanted you then. Martin: Well, I guess this is gonna work out. Thanks, Roz. Roz: Don't mention it. The look on Niles's face is thanks enough. She grabs her coffee, gets up and leaves. Niles: Now, Dad, you're sure it won't bother you to live so far from the park and McGinty's? Martin: Oh, no, no, not at all. There's a bus stop right in front of your place. Eddie and I don't mind takin' the bus. Niles: [realizing] Eddie? Eddie. You know, I just remembered, Dad, my building doesn't allow dogs. Martin: Oh, well that's it, then. 'Cause I'm not leavin' Eddie. Niles: Oh, of all the horrendous luck. Martin: Oh, well, thanks anyway. I guess I'll just look for a little place. Can't be too small, though, 'cause I gotta have a bedroom for Daphne. He starts thinking. Niles is pouring cream in his coffee and freezes in thought himself. We can see it takes careful concentration for him not to spill any. Niles: You know, Dad. About that no dog rule: I could talk to Clarice, the head of our co-op board. Martin: Oh, really? You think they'd make an exception? Niles: Well, let's just say she's bent quite a few rules in her day, and if she doesn't want her husband to find out, she'll bend this one. Martin: Oh, that's great! Niles: Yes, well, then it's settled. Daphne can move in straight away. [Martin looks expectant.] YOU and Daphne. Martin: Great! They both smile. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment Frasier is getting some sherry. Niles and Martin come in the front door. Frasier: Oh, hello Niles. Niles: Frasier, where's Daphne? Frasier: I think at the market. Hello, Dad. Martin: Ah, Frasier, about this afternoon... Frasier: Look, let's just drop it, all right? All's well that end's well, and this afternoon ended very well indeed. Martin: Oh, your underwear model called? Frasier: Mm-hmm. Just after you left, actually. We spoke for about an hour, and we're having dinner on Saturday night. Martin: [hanging up his coat] Well, that's great! I hope everything works out. Frasier: Actually, Dad, on that score, uh, you could make yourself scarce that night. Martin: Well, actually, I'm movin' in with Niles for a couple of months. Frasier: Well, have some confidence in me, Dad, it won't take me that long. They laugh. Martin: Nah, no, no, no. I mean it. Niles and I have been talking about it. Niles: Yes. And I think it's a fine idea. Frasier: Well, you know, I know I've been out of sorts lately, Dad, but I hope I haven't made you feel unwelcome... Martin: No, no. It's nothin' like that. Listen, I've been livin' under your roof for five years now, you've earned a little time to yourself. He heads for the kitchen. Frasier: Still, maybe you should sleep on it for tonight... Niles: Frasier, Frasier, please. You've had a chance to get closer to Dad these past few years and I wouldn't mind having that same chance myself. Frankly, I'm a bit jealous. Frasier: Well, I am sorry, Niles. I guess I haven't been seeing this from your angle. Daphne comes in the front with a bag of groceries. Daphne: Hello, all. Niles: Hello, Daphne. Frasier: And quite a little angle it is, too. Martin comes back from the kitchen. Martin: Oh, Daph, let me ask you somethin'. How would you feel about movin' in with Niles? Daphne: Are you serious? Niles: Yes. Daphne: Just me? Niles: Yes. [recovering] No, no. And Dad. Martin: Just 'til Frasier goes back to work. It's been a little crowded around here. Daphne: Well, I won't argue with that. You know, Dr. Crane has quite a few stairs, are you sure you can manage them? Martin: [sitting] Oh, sure. Nobody knows better than you how my well my hip's gettin'. Niles: [taking the bag from her] Well, what are we waiting for? Let's get you packed. Daphne: Wait a minute. [Niles stops and turns.] I was hired as Mr. Crane's physical therapist. If he can make it up and down that staircase of yours, he really doesn't need full time care anymore. This is hard for me to say, but maybe it's time I moved on. Niles drops the bag, Frasier picks it up. All three men are stunned. Daphne: We all knew this day would come sooner or later. Martin: What about my exercises? Daphne: You'll do fine on your own. Believe me, it's not like I want to move on, I'm very fond of you all. I'm not like a psychiatrist, who works with someone for years and years and it doesn't matter if they ever get better. [Martin nods in understanding, Frasier and Niles share a look.] My work here is done. I have to go where I'm needed. All the others start talking. "We need you." "Dad needs you." "You're needed." Daphne: It's not like I'm leaving right this minute. I'll help you get settled in while I look for a new job. Niles: But Daphne... Daphne: Oh, please, don't make a big fuss about this. You'll just make me cry. This is no time for tears. Niles sinks onto one of the dining chairs. Martin: Well, I guess you know what's best. It's sure gonna be lonely, though, just the two of us. Daphne: It won't just be the two of you, you'll have Eddie. As she exits, Eddie jumps on Niles's lap. He breaks down crying. [SCENE_BREAK] END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO Scene One - Niles's Apartment FADE IN. Martin is reading on the couch. Niles comes in from the kitchen and notices that Eddie is on the dining table, walking around and around the centerpiece. Niles: Dad? Martin: [not looking] Eddie, whatever you're on, get off. Eddie jumps off the table. Niles returns to the kitchen. Reset to: the kitchen. Daphne is on the phone. Daphne: I've been on hold with my employment agency forever. [into phone] Yes, I'm here. Nothing at all, not even part-time therapy? Well, I'll stay in touch. Bye-bye. Niles: So, no job yet, eh? Daphne: No, unfortunately. Still, tragedies happen every day. I mustn't give up hope. Niles: I wish you'd consider staying here with us. I don't know how Dad's going to manage without you. Daphne: He doesn't need me anymore. Niles: Nonsense. I know he puts on a brave front, the plain truth is, the man is practically an invalid. Martin hurries in chasing after Eddie. Martin: All right, come back here! Daphne: [laughing] What's he got now? Martin: Oh, my sneaker. You give me that back or I'm not taking you for your speed walk! He chases Eddie back to the living room. The doorbell rings. Reest to: the living room. Martin opens the door for Frasier. Martin: Oh, hi Frasier. Frasier: Hi, Dad. Hi, Niles. Forgive me, I know how annoying it can be to drop by without calling first. Niles: Oh, don't worry, I used to do it all the time. Frasier: That's how I know. Hello, Eddie. Got a little surprise for you, something you left at the house. There you are. He gives Eddie a squeak toy. Eddie grabs it and begins causing it to squeak loudly and rapidly. Niles, trying to trim a plant, jerks violently. The doorbell rings again and Frasier opens both sides of the double doors. Frasier: Don't worry, Niles, you'll get used to it. Oh, and Dad, I've got a little surprise for you as well. Just a minute. All right, boys, bring it on in here. Movers bring in Martin's chair, to Niles's horror. Martin: Oh, great, here it is! Now the place is starting to look like home. Frasier: Yes, and finally so is mine! Martin: Well, I'm just gonna go finish unpacking. He starts upstairs. Niles: Well, you just follow him up with that. Martin: Oh, no, no, leave it right there. That way I won't get my pizza cheese all over your fancy chairs. He goes upstairs. Niles: Doesn't the cheese go in your mouth? Frasier: Well, that's certainly the goal, Niles, but you can't hit that bulls eye every time. Niles: OK, this isn't working out, you have to take him back now. Frasier: Niles, he's only been here for eight hours. Niles: I don't care. I only signed on for this because Daphne came in the bargain and now she's leaving and Frasier, you have to help me, I'm desperate! Martin: [calling from upstairs] Niles, which wall should I hang my swordfish on? Niles: [horrified] None of them! I just had that room frescoed! He rushes up the stairs. Frasier goes into the kitchen. Reset to: Kitchen. Daphne is again on the phone. Frasier: Daph... Daphne: Thanks, Ronny, you're a life saver. Bye-bye. [She hangs up.] Frasier: Well, good news on the job front? Daphne: Yes, a friend of mine just got me an interview. It's an elderly woman suffering from brittle bone disease, poor thing. Frasier: Well, normally I'd say "Break a leg", but... Daphne: Oh, I'm gonna miss you. All of you. [They hug.] But like I told your brother, there's simply no reason for me to stay as long as your father's so strong and healthy. There is a loud crash from the living room and Martin howls in agony. Frasier: Oh, dear God. He and Daphne rush to the living room. Reset to: the living room. Martin is lying at the bottom of the stairs. Frasier and Daphne rush to help him. Frasier: Oh, my God! Dad! Daphne: Oh, are you all right? Martin: Yeah. Frasier: What happened? Niles: I don't know. Daphne and Frasier help Martin up and he sits on the arm of his chair. Martin: We just got tangled up there. Niles: Dad, I am so sorry! Martin: Don't worry about it, it was an accident. Daphne: Well, you do seem to be in one piece. Still, it was an awfully big fall. Dr. Crane, would you help me get some ice? Niles: Good thinking, Daphne. I know I could use a drink. She gives him a look as they head into the kitchen. Martin: Boy, that was so weird. Niles just kicked my cane right out from under me. Frasier looks up at this. Martin: Yeah, I know he wants to keep Daphne around here, but I didn't think he'd go that far. [laughs] Frasier: Well, no, not deliberately, but maybe he was acting on an unconscious level. Martin: What are you talking about? I was just making a joke. Frasier: Oh. Well, then just-just skip it, Dad. Martin: No, no, wait a minute. You think Niles was actually trying to hurt me? Frasier: No, no. It's just that... well, sometimes, when the motivation is strong enough, the unconscious can cause a person to act in ways that the conscious would find unthinkable. Martin: So you're saying that this wasn't an accident. Frasier: ...Ah, it's a crazy theory. I'm sorry I even brought it up. You know what? I, uh, I think I'll be off now. Off to my bachelor pad, I have a date with a lingerie model. Ha, ha, ha... "bachelor pad, lingerie model" - the sweetest words in the English language. Martin: I'm sorry I won't be there. Frasier: Wait. We have a tie! He leaves as Niles and Daphne return from the kitchen. Niles: Frasier. [He closes the door after him.] Daphne: All right, Mr. Crane, I need you to take a seat so I can ice your hip. Martin: Oh, I'm fine. Why is everyone making such a fuss? She helps him sit in his chair. Daphne: Wait, don't sit down! Martin: [jumping up] What?! She reaches down and picks up the clippers Niles had left on the seat. Daphne: You nearly impaled yourself. Niles: Oh, thank you Daphne. I don't know what it is about these things, they keep ending up in the oddest places. He takes the clippers and heads for the kitchen. She helps Martin sit again, putting the ice pack on his hip. He has a VERY nervous look on his face. [SCENE_BREAK] HOME ALONE Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment Frasier comes in the front. He looks around his apartment, sans Martin's chair, and smiles, clutching the bottle of wine he's holding to his chest. He walks to the dining table, running his hand along HIS chair (the Wassily) on the way, and sets the wine down. He presses the button on his answering machine. Rebecca: [v.o. from the machine] Hi, Frasier, it's Rebecca. Your voice sounds so sexy on your machine. Anyway, I loved talking to you this afternoon and I was thinking: instead of going to a noisy restaurant, maybe we can just stay in tonight. Open some wine, curl up in front of a fire. Just a warning though, I'm coming straight from a shoot, so I'll be wearing my work clothes. [She giggles.] I can't believe I just said that. Throughout this, Frasier has been grinning and smiling at each new bit. When it is done, he pours himself a sherry, then takes it and the answering machine to the small table by his chair. He sits, picks up his sherry and hits the button again. Rebecca: Hi, Frasier, it's Rebecca. Your voice sounds so sexy on your machine. Anyway, I loved talking to you... Frasier smiles and sips his sherry. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Three - Niles's Apartment Niles is in the spare bathroom, washing his hands. Martin comes in. Martin: Boy, the floors around here are so slippery! Niles: Yes, I, I just had them polished. Martin: Well, I wish you would have told me, Eddie just slid into a wall and chipped a tooth. Niles: Well, Dad, I can assure you there will be no slipping in here. [Gesturing to the bath.] Look: a brand new safety rail installed just for you. And, as requested, traction decals! Martin: [leaning over the tub] Oh, I don't need to worry about falling in... [The rail collapses under the pressure of his hand.] Niles: Oh, Dad, are you OK? Martin: Wow, yeah. It's a good thing I wasn't in the shower, I could have cracked my head open. Niles: Guess I'm not much of a handyman, am I? Martin: [looking nervous] You put this thing up yourself? Niles: Yes, my contractor was out of town. Don't worry, you can use my bathroom to shower. Just let me know when you do. The plumbing's a bit temperamental and if I were to run the dishwasher, you might be horribly scalded. He lets out a little laugh and exits. Martin: [following] You know? I took an extra long shower yesterday, you know? That oughta hold me. CUT TO: the living room. Niles is coming down from the landing with Martin behind him. Niles turns back. Niles: You sure you don't need a hand? Martin: Just keep movin'. As they reach the bottom, Daphne comes in the front. Daphne: Guess what? I got the job! I can't believe it! I start in the morning. Niles: You what? She starts up the stairs, Niles following. Daphne: I'll tell you all about it later. I've got to call my employment agency right away. She hurries upstairs. Niles turns back to Martin, a look of mixed nervousness, desperation and cunning on his face. Niles: I can't let her leave. I just can't. Martin: [nervous] Well, there's nothin' we can do about it. Niles: [coming down the stairs, his look becoming more cunning] I still have a day. I just have to be more resourceful. Martin: [fear on his face] Like how? [stumbles back against a pillar] Niles: It's my problem, not yours. I just have to think. Fresh air, maybe that'll calm me down. When he reaches the landing, he looks out the window. Niles: Oh, look at the sunset! Dad, come join me on the balcony. He exits off the landing. Martin races for the front door. Martin: Eddie! Get outta here! Quick! Come on, come on, come on! He and Eddie rush out. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Four - Frasier's Apartment. Fade in. Frasier has set the apartment up for his date and is just pouring the wine. The doorbell rings and he goes to it, using a remote to start romantic music on the stereo. He makes some suave moves as he gets into "date mode." Opening the door, he finds Martin. Frasier: Dad! Good lord, what are you doing here? [He uses the remote to shut off the stereo.] Martin: We gotta talk. Frasier: Now? It's not a good time. Martin: But it's getting spooky over at Niles's. Frasier: Well, yes, yes, I know it's a little unsettling the way he changes into that Chinese dressing gown after dinner, but you'll get used to it. Martin: No, no, no. I think his unconscious is trying to hurt me. Frasier: Oh, Dad, that's preposterous. Martin: No it isn't. Frasier: Can't we talk about this in the morning? Believe me, there is no way your own flesh and blood would try to hurt you. He closes the door, hitting Martin in the face. He opens it back up to check on him. Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry. Martin: Well at least let me get Eddie's pillow out of my room, will you? Frasier: All right, all right, just hurry it up, will ya? Martin goes back to his room as Frasier closes the door. The doorbell rings and Frasier again starts the music and gets into "date mode." He opens the door to reveal Daphne. Frasier: Daphne! [He shuts the music off.] What is going on? Daphne: I hope I'm not catching you at a bad time. Frasier: Well, actually, I'm waiting for a date! Daphne: I'll just run in and out, I need to pick up my... [she starts crying]...exercise mat. Frasier: Oh, good lord. Is everything all right? Daphne: I'm sorry. I think I'm just a bit nervous about my new job. Frasier: Yes. Daphne: I'll be all right. Frasier: Yes. Daphne: I just wish, I just wish I didn't miss being here so much. [She starts crying again.] Frasier: Oh, Daphne, oh, I'm sorry. Listen, you're going to be just fine. You know, transitions are always difficult. [The doorbell rings and he shoves her towards her room.] The trick is just not to rush them. Again he starts the music and goes into his routine. Opening the door, he finds Niles. Frasier: Niles! [He shuts the music off.] What the hell are you doing here?! Niles: I'm going out of my mind. I am this close to living under the same roof as Daphne. If I could just... Frasier: All right, Niles, before you go on, let me just say one thing. Niles: What is it? Frasier: Get out! He starts to shove Niles out. Niles: Wait, wait! I need to talk about this. Frasier: Get out! Niles! Martin: [coming from his room] Is that Niles? Niles: Dad! Dad, why did you run off? I've been looking for you everywhere. Martin: No, Niles, just stay away from me. Niles: What? Martin: Now, Niles, I'm not mad at you, just your unconscious. It wants Daphne to stay around so bad that it's been tryin' to hurt me. Niles: What? Martin: Well, Frasier can explain it better. Niles: Exactly who is hurting whom and what does any of this have to do with... [seeing her as she comes in] Daphne. Daphne: Oh, look. We're all together again, just like... [crying again] old times. Niles: [rushing to hold her] Oh, dear. Frasier: Oh, God. Well, we certainly do have a lot to talk about. I tell you what: let's all meet at Niles's for breakfast tomorrow. He pushes Niles and Daphne towards the door. Martin: I'm not gettin' in the elevator with him. Frasier: All right Dad, Daphne, go in shifts then. You first. Daphne: All right. Daphne and Martin go out. Frasier: So long. Eddie, you too, shake a leg mister. Let's go, outta here, move it, move it, move it. [Eddie scurries out and Frasier closes the door behind him.] Niles: You actually convinced Dad I was trying to harm him? Frasier: Oh, Niles, I did no such thing. I simply advanced a theory, I had no idea he would take it to heart. Niles: Oh, balderdash! Frasier: Please, Niles, surely it's occurred to you that your desire for Daphne's forcing you to behave in very strange ways. Or do you shove Dad down the stairs every day? Niles: That was an accident! Frasier: Oh, Niles, any psychiatrist worth his salt knows that there are no accidents. No one would do something like that, however unconsciously, unless they stood to gain from it. There is a thump from outside and Martin is heard bellowing in pain. Frasier: Oh, dear! He and Niles hurry out. Reset to: the hallway following them. Martin is on his back on the floor, Daphne hovering over him. Frasier: Oh, my God! Niles: Oh, thank God! [realizing] ...we're here to help! Martin: What did you kick my cane for? Daphne: It was an accident! I was playing with Eddie! Martin: My hip's killing me! Frasier: Dad, don't worry about it. Niles has that nice comfy bed you can recuperate in. Martin: I can't go up and down those stairs now! Niles: I think the best thing would be for him to stay with you again for the time being. Daphne: He'll need full time attention, I'll cancel my job right away. Frasier: All right, just hold it! Nobody's canceling anything! For God's sake, the man just fell down a flight of stairs today, he could hardly have been hurt worse stumbling in a carpeted hallway! The elevator opens with Rebecca inside. Frasier reaches down and tries to pull Martin to his feet. Frasier: Get up, ya big crybaby! No pain, no gain. Martin: Oh, no, but it hurts! Frasier: Oh, Dad, boo-hoo! I want you out of here! I don't care if you have to crawl like a bog turtle! He finally notices Rebecca. Frasier: Oh, Rebecca. [He grabs the remote and turns on the stereo.] I didn't see you standing there. Why don't you just step on over my father, help yourself to some wine? Rebecca: What kind of a heartless b*st*rd are you?! [pushes the button] Frasier: Oh, no, Rebecca, you don't understand. It's not the way it looks. He's very resilient! He's been shot before! But she's gone. Daphne: Dr. Crane, we really should get him inside. Frasier: [a crushed look on his face] Yes. Just give me... a moment. He goes into his apartment, wandering around, absorbing the last moments of his "bachelor pad." He gets a glass of wine, sits in his chair and takes a sip, a look of total sorrow on his face. Frasier: All right, bring him in. Niles and Daphne bring Martin in. [SCENE_BREAK] END OF ACT TWO [SCENE_BREAK] Martin is at the door, directing the movers bringing his chair back in. We pan across to see Daphne, lounging on the couch and talking on the telephone. The pan continues to find Eddie on the dining table, walking around and around the centerpiece. We end up on Frasier, leaning in the kitchen doorway, depressed and drinking wine straight from the bottle.
Dial M For Martin