Daphne is returning home from the weight spa after her recent struggles with weight. She reveals that her therapist, Gloria, informed her that her weight gain stemmed from her own insecurity about her relationship with Niles. Niles is hurt and defensive. The next day, Frasier visits Niles at his office to help sort matters out. He suggests to Niles that Gloria's advice might be sound, as Daphne has seven years of Niles' fantasy to live up to; Niles insists, however, that he has a realistic appraisal of Daphne and her virtues. Niles and Frasier revisit several previous episodes in flashback (later incarnations of the characters are edited into the original scenes with chroma key compositing ). It soon becomes clear that, contrary to his protests, Niles has placed Daphne on a pedestal and has formed an unrealistically idealized impression of her and her virtues. Niles is shaken. Frasier suggests that this is because Niles is afraid of embracing the real, flawed Daphne in case her flaws prove too much for the relationship to survive, thus resulting in Niles having spent the previous seven years pining for nothing more than a dream.
Act 1 Scene 1 - Cafe Nervosa Fade in. Roz is at a table, reading intently. Frasier comes over with his coffee. Frasier: Hello Roz. [she doesn't respond] I said hello, Roz. Roz: [looks up] Oh, sorry. Frasier: Oh, don't be. I didn't mean to interrupt your reading. Roz: Actually, I'm doing a little research. I have a meeting with a publisher tomorrow. I'm thinking of writing my own children's book. Frasier: Really? Roz: Yeah, it's a story my mom made up for me when I was a little kid. I tell it to Alice all the time now, and I thought it would be such a kick if I could get it published. Frasier: Good for you, Roz! You know, I dabbled in juvenile fiction myself. Yes, Niles and I when we were boys wrote a series of stories together in which we were the heroes. Along the lines of a "Hardy Boys" or a "Nancy Drew"... Roz: "The Nancy Boys"? Frasier: No. It was called "The Crane Boys Mysteries." We were two plucky lads who used their keen psychological insights to solve crimes brought home by their detective father. Roz: How many of these did you write? Frasier: Thirty-four. Let's see, there was "The Mystery of the One-Eared Monkey", "On Your Mark, Get Set, Die!"... Niles walks in. Frasier: And there was the one where our father was kidnapped and the only clue was a dented Ballantine can. Niles: "The Suspicious Six Pack"! Frasier: Excellent! Niles, pull up a chair. Niles: All right, I will. I can't stay long, though. [to waitress] Latte, to go, please. [He sits.] I'm on the way to the spa to pick up Daphne. Roz: Oh, that reminds me. What time should I be at the apartment tonight? Niles: Well, let's see. It's an hour's trip to the spa, and there's a two hour graduation ceremony at the end of which they all throw their fat pants into the air... let's say seven o'clock. Roz: Okay, great. I'll see you there. Frasier: Bye, Roz. She grabs her things and leaves. Niles: Speaking of Daphne, I was hoping you could spare her this Friday. I'm planning on taking her for a weekend getaway, where I think we may be taking our relationship to the next level. Frasier: Oh, my God, Niles! You're going to propose? Niles: No, not that level, the level before that. Frasier: You're going to ask her to move in with you? Niles: One more level before that. Frasier: Well, you're already dating... Niles: No, that's two levels. Niles makes vague motions to indicate moving on. Frasier: Oh, for heaven's sake, just tell me! Niles: Well, you know. We're going to... consummate our relationship. Frasier: What? Well, uh... Gosh, it's none of my business, I just thought you'd already reached that level. Niles: What made you think that? Frasier: Oh, I don't know. I guess everybody just assumed... Niles: Who's everybody? Frasier: Nobody. But Niles, you have been on overnight trips together, haven't you? Niles: Yes. But they were all perfectly chaste. Daphne wanted to wait until the time was right. And well, we've both just been missing each other these past few weeks, I think the time is upon us. Frasier: Oh, I'm so happy for you, Niles. Niles: Thank you. Frasier: Gosh, nobody's gonna believe you two haven't slept together. Niles: Who's nobody? Frasier: Nobody. The waiter brings Niles his coffee. Putting the cup down, he gives Niles a look and a little disbelieving shake of his head, then leaves. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 2 - Niles' Mercedes Fade in. The back seat is full of balloons. Niles is driving Daphne back to Frasier's. Daphne: I love you, Niles. Niles: I love you too. Oh, hey, I got you something. He reaches into the back seat and pulls out a gift bag he hands to her. She pulls a red dress from it. Daphne: Oh, Niles. It's lovely. But I already have a dress like this. Niles: I know. That's it. THAT'S the dress you wore five years ago when we danced the tango. Daphne: I don't understand. Niles: It's for this weekend. Only this time, instead of ending in heartache, the evening can end...in triumph. Daphne: That's very romantic, but I'm not sure I can fit into it. Not yet, anyway. Niles: Oh, nonsense. You're as svelte as you ever were. Daphne: You're sweet. And it was cute when I came out of the spa and you pretended you couldn't see me. Niles: Who said that? Who's in my car? They laugh. Niles: Well, you worked so hard, you stuck with it. I'm proud of you. Daphne: Actually, I'm proud of myself. The staff therapist even complimented me on me willpower. Niles: Oh, so you did see a therapist? Daphne: It's all part of the program, to help you find the cause of your overeating. Niles: Uh-hmm. Well, if you ask me, it's a classic case of sublimation, using substituting food for s*x. I recommend you see a certain doctor, I know very well. He can help you. Daphne: That's not what Gloria thinks. Niles: Gloria? Daphne: The therapist. Niles: Oh. My patients call me "Dr. Crane", but whatever... So, what does Gloria think? Daphne: She thinks I may have gained the weight as a way to create distance between us. Niles: Oh, and why would you want to do that? Daphne: Well, when you and I first came together, we agreed to wait a while before bringing the relationship into the bedroom. Then as time went on, you told me all these stories of how you pined for me for seven years. How I'd been your unattainable dream. How could anyone live up to that? Gloria thinks I was terrified of letting you down, of not being perfect, so I ate. And ate. And, apparently, ate. Niles: Daphne, you couldn't possibly let me down. And as for the weight, that didn't matter. I never noticed. Daphne: That's another thing, I gained sixty pounds. Don't you think it's strange you couldn't see it? Niles: No, it's not strange! I love you. Daphne: I love you too. You know what Gloria says? Niles: [tense] No. Daphne: She says you couldn't see the extra weight because you were seeing the perfect me you've carried in your head for seven years. She calls it "looking through love goggles". Niles reaches for his cell phone. Niles: All righty, let's get her on the phone, shall we? Daphne: Niles, don't. I'm not trying to upset you, I'm just telling you what we discussed in therapy. Niles: I understand, I understand. Daphne: And I know how much you've been looking forward to this weekend, but I sort this out, I may need a little more time before I... Niles: Say no more. We can easily postpone the weekend. Of course, if my theory is correct, and you ARE eating as a substitute for s*x, then you're taking a terrible risk. She laughs at this. Daphne: I love you, Niles. Niles: I love you too. [SCENE_BREAK] OF COURSE, EDDIE GETS TEN PERCENT OF THE ROYALTIES Scene 3 - Frasier's Apartment Fade in. There is a big banner in front of the balcony saying "Welcome Home, Daphne." Roz and Martin are getting the place ready. Martin: Roz, you know, if you really want to do a kid's book, you oughta write one about Eddie. I'd buy one about Eddie. Roz: Thanks, but I already have an idea. Besides, if I were gonna use a dog, I'd probably use about my own. Martin: Well, you wanna make your dog happy, or do you wanna sell books? Now I was thinkin': Eddie joins the circus and he has all this clown makeup on and everything and juggles and stuff. And then you could do one where he invents this flying machine and has all these wacky adventures. Roz: That's kinda cute. He could join a flock of geese or he could become the world's first dog traffic reporter. Martin gives her a "What?" look. Martin: Eddie would never do that. You really don't get Eddie, do you? Niles comes in through the front door, carrying Daphne's bags. Martin: Hey, look who's home! Daphne comes in behind him. Martin: Hey! Daphne: Is this all for me? Frasier: Oh, Daphne, God we missed you. Roz: You look great, Daphne! Martin: Great? You look fantastic. I don't know what they did to you there, but what a difference! Daphne: Yes. I was getting pretty big, wasn't I? Martin: Big? You were gi-normous. Frasier: Dad. Martin: I was just tellin' her how big she was. Daphne: Oh, come here old man. She hugs him. Frasier: You really do look lovely, Daphne. Daphne: Oh, thank you Dr. Crane. But I still have to be careful what I eat. Frasier: Yes, yes, of course. And to that end, actually, I have a little surprise for you in the fridge. Daphne: Oh, you didn't have to do that. It's not some of those low cal dinners, is it? Frasier: Just go look. She goes into the kitchen. There is the sound of a pig squealing. Frasier and Martin begin laughing, Roz looks disgusted. Daphne comes back in, laughing Daphne: That's hysterical. Frasier: It's called the "Refrigerator Pig". It's this little plastic pig, he's got a recording in its belly, every time you open the refrigerator door, you'll hear his scolding squeal. Roz: So Daphne, tell us about the spa. Daphne: Well, it was lots of hard work. We had hikes every morning and sessions with a personal trainer. Niles begins pouring champagne. Niles: And a wonderful therapist. [to Frasier] You're going to love this. Daphne: Yes, there was a professional therapist on staff. Niles: Named "Gloria." Daphne: Who helped me dig down to the root of my problems. Niles: Gloria's very handy with a shovel. Martin: Well, she must have been very good. I mean, obviously, look at you. Daphne: Yes. Gloria's very empathetic, because she had a similar weight problem. Only she didn't have anyone to help her deal with it. She had to battle it herself for years. Niles: She didn't have a boyfriend she could blame? Daphne: Is there something you want to say to me? Niles: No. Frasier: Well I've got something to say. I would like to propose a toast. Daphne: I was very lucky to have someone like Gloria at the spa. Niles passes out the champagne. Niles: Yes, usually you have to go all the way to a hair salon for that kind of insight. Frasier: Well, Daphne, the important thing is that you're feeling better and that your back home, where you belong. Daphne: I better make mine water. Champagne is pure sugar, you know. She heads to the kitchen. Frasier: Niles, what the hell is wrong with you? Niles: Oh, Frasier, you would not believe the hack psychobabble this woman has filled Daphne's head with. Martin: Well still, that's no reason to be acting like an ass. So you just shape up and treat Daphne with respect! There is the sound of the Refrigerator Pig from the kitchen. Then there are crunching noises and Daphne can be seen jumping up and down. She comes back in. Daphne: Apparently that pig of yours can dish it out but he can't take it. So, how 'bout that toast? Roz: Oh, good idea. Frasier: Right. To Daphne, your warmth and spirit have helped make this place a home. Your influence can be seen in a thousand different ways. Niles: Unless, of course, one's wearing his love goggles. Daphne: That's it. Niles, I think you should go. Niles: What? Daphne: I want you to leave. Right now. Niles looks put upon, then sets his glass down and leaves. Daphne sets the water down and heads to her room, Roz hurries after her. Martin and Frasier look at each other nervously. Martin: Nice call on the "Refrigerator Pig". [SCENE_BREAK] End of Act 1 Act 2 Scene 1 - Niles' Office Fade in. Niles is talking to a patient and looking through his Rolodex. Patient: So, you don't think I have a germ phobia? Niles: Not at all, just a healthy sense of personal hygiene. [Niles hands him a card.] Ah, here's the number of the man who cleans my telephone. The best in Seattle. The patient goes to leave, but pulls his hand back from the doorknob. Niles: Oh, don't touch. There you go. Niles opens the door for him. Frasier is leaning against the doorframe. Niles: Frasier. What are you doing here? Frasier comes in. Frasier: Oh, I just wanted to see how you're doing after last night. Daphne caught me up on what's been going on. Niles: Wonderful. So she's talking to every therapist under the sun but me. Frasier: She said she tried to talk to you. Niles: No. She tried to blame me. According to her puppet master Gloria, Daphne overate because she was afraid that she couldn't live up to my image of her. Frasier: Well, there may be something to that. She does have seven years of fantasy to live up to. Niles: What fantasy? I have a very realistic picture of Daphne. I love her for who she is, I have since the very beginning. Frasier: All right. When exactly was "the very beginning" for the two of you, anyway? Niles: Well, don't you remember? You introduced us. [SCENE_BREAK] The scene cuts to their first meeting, from [1.03] , "Dinner at Eight." Frasier: Daphne? This is my brother Niles. Niles: You're Daphne? Daphne: Why, yes I am! As he moves across to shake her hand, we see that present-day Niles and Frasier are observing the memory in the background. Niles: When Frasier told me he hired an Englishwoman, I pictured someone a little more... not quite so... you're Daphne? Daphne: Right again. It's very nice to meet you. Frasier begins to speak to present-day Niles. Frasier: Look at you, Niles. The woman's a stranger to you and yet you're ready to hand her your heart. Niles: Well, I may have been a tad smitten. What's your point? He focuses on the memory of Daphne as she bends over. Frasier: My point is... Niles, pay attention! My point is your so-called realistic picture of Daphne has been clouded from the start by your intense attraction to her. The scene CUTS BACK to Niles' office. Niles: All right. Perhaps at the beginning I was blinded by infatuation. But over the years, I've learned everything about her. And my love has only deepened. I've learned that she is caring and, and compassionate. And she can be moody, sometimes. She likes jelly on her pancakes, instead of syrup. Uh, her laugh is like music. Oh, and that girl can dance! [SCENE_BREAK] The scene cuts to the Snow Ball from [3.13] "Moon Dance," as Daphne and Niles dance the tango. Niles: You're beautiful! You're a goddess! Daphne: I don't ever want this moment to end! Niles: Then let's not let it! Again, the present Frasier and Niles are watching. Niles: This is one of my favorite memories. See, that's the dress I wanted her to wear this weekend. Isn't she spectacular? Frasier: Indeed she is. Niles: She's perfect! Oh, oh, wait! Look at this. Watch. In the memory, Daphne throws her leg high onto Niles' shoulder. Niles: [smiling] I come here often. Frasier: I suspect part of you has never left. Niles: Can you blame me? Look at us! We're magnificent together. We're moving in perfect synch. Frasier: There's that word "perfect" again. Niles: I know what you're thinking. Just because this evening was perfect doesn't mean I'm idealizing Daphne. Frasier: Niles, did you hear yourself out there? You called her "a goddess". You can't build a higher pedestal than that. Who could possibly compete with that sort of image? The dance ends and everyone, the present Niles and Frasier included, applaud. Niles: That's not fair. I'm well aware that's just one side of her. I'm also acquainted with her ordinary, domestic, everyday side. [SCENE_BREAK] The scene cuts to Niles and Daphne in the kitchen of his apartment from [5.20] "First Date," chopping vegetables. Present-day Niles and Frasier are there, watching. Daphne: [in time with the chopping] Doomp-da, doomp-da, doomp-da, doomp-da. Niles: Hear and soul, I fell in love with you... Heart and soul, the way a fool would do... Both: Madly! Because you held me tight And stole a kiss in the night. Frasier: Oh, please! Niles: What? Frasier: Even your everyday memories are idealized. How long until the cartoon blue bird lands on her shoulder? The memory of Niles and Daphne singing starts again. Niles: All right. So maybe my memories of Daphne are perfect. Has it ever occurred to you that maybe Daphne just IS perfect? Niles begins to sing in a sort of scat fashion with the memory. Niles: I held you tight, It served you right, I stole a kiss... in the night. He laughs along with the Niles and Daphne in the memory. Frasier: That's it. I'm going home. The scene CUTS BACK to Niles' office as he gets off his couch. Niles: Wait, wait. How come? Frasier: I've nothing else to say. Niles, I love you. And I love Daphne. I just hope the two of you can work this thing out together. Niles: No, wait, don't go, don't go. Help me understand, why is everyone acting like I've done something wrong? The only thing I am guilty is loving Daphne, and that's all I've ever done. Frasier: Yes. Yes, and how did you love her? From afar. You were never in love WITH her, you were in love AT her. Now, you've been given a chance to experience her in a real relationship and yet for some reason, you're resisting it. Rather than see her as she really is, you keep holding on to the memory. Niles: No, that's not true. Frasier: Niles, the woman gained sixty pounds, and everyone in the world saw it but you. All you ever saw was a perfect woman in a red dress. A long pause. Niles takes a deep breath and leans back against his desk. Niles: Okay. If you're right - and that's a big "if" - why would I do that? Frasier: Maybe Daphne's not the only one who's afraid she won't measure up. Maybe you're afraid too. After all, if it turns out she's not perfect, then there's a chance things won't work out. Then not only will you lose Daphne, but you'll have wasted the last seven years of your life chasing an illusion. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 2 - Frasier's Apartment Fade in. Martin is sitting in his chair. Frasier opens the front door, Roz is there. Frasier: Roz. What a pleasant surprise. Roz: [coming in] Break out the champagne! I just sold my children's book. Martin: Hey, that's great! Frasier: Well, congratulations, Roz. Roz: Thanks! You know, this young editor, he's like twenty-three years old, his name's Scott. And I figure he'll just be into action figures and video games and there I was with this simple little story, but he loved it. Frasier: Great, congratulations. I've been saving a very special bottle for just such an occasion. He heads to the kitchen. Martin: Yeah, while you're in there, get my very special can. Roz gets out her cell phone and dials. Roz: I gotta call my mother, she is gonna get such a kick out of this. Mom? Hey! Remember that story you used to tell me when I was a kid? You know, it was about the little girl and her grandfather? Yeah, well, I just got it published. What? Well you never told me that! Okay fine, just forget I called. Yeah, bye. She disconnects as Frasier pops the cork on the champagne. Roz: Well, you can put that away. Martin: What happened? Roz: Apparently I just sold my publisher... "Heidi"? I better get over there and let him know before he... Her phone rings and she answers it. Roz: Hello? Oh, hello Scott. I know, I just heard. Weird, huh? Martin: Hey, tell him about Eddie! [flaps his arms] Roz gets up to leave. Roz: I'm so sorry. It was a movie too? She heads out the door, Niles is there. Roz: Hey. Niles: Hey. He enters as Roz goes out. Niles: Hello, Frasier. Hi, Dad. Both: Hi, Niles. Daphne comes in from her room. Niles: Hello, Daphne. Daphne: Hello. There is an awkward silence. Frasier: Dad, what do you say we head out for dinner at the steakhouse? Martin: The steakhouse? Really? Frasier: What the hell. The blood's been flyin' through my arteries lately. Martin: Just give me a minute to get ready. Frasier: Right, right. He and Martin go off to the bedrooms to get ready. Niles: Daphne? I want to apologize for the other night. I was rude, and disrespectful, and I'm sorry I hurt you. Daphne: Apology accepted. Oh, come here. They hug. Niles: Thank you. Daphne: You know, I was just about to make myself some dinner. Would you like to join me? Niles: I would love that! She turns to go to the kitchen. Niles: Actually, wait, Daphne? I'm going to pass on dinner. Daphne: Oh, it's no trouble. Frasier and Martin come out from the bedrooms. Niles: Oh, I know that, it's just that...I don't really care for your cooking. Daphne: What? Niles: Well, you're not the best cook in the world. In fact, you're not very good at cooking. At all. Bad, BAD cook! Martin: What the hell is he doing? Frasier: Uh... Well, we're off. They head towards the door, Martin looks to Niles. Martin: God bless you, son! They leave. Niles: You okay? Daphne: How could I be, after that horrible thing you just said to me? Niles: Oh, I'm sorry, darling. I just want to show you I see you the way you really are. Daphne: And who I am is a bad cook, is that what you're saying? Niles: No, that's not fair. I, I thought this was what you wanted. Daphne: Well it still hurts. I have got my feelings, you know. I thought you loved my cooking. Well, you certainly could have handled this better. Niles: Well, then... I don't know what you want! I can't read minds, you know! And by the way, neither can you! Daphne: [gapes] Are you saying you don't think I'm psychic?! Niles: Not if you thought I loved your cooking! Daphne: Well, I'm sorry it's not that hoity-toity crap you eat! Niles: What does that mean? You, you think I'm pretentious? Daphne: Huh, you'd eat a worm if I gave it a French name! Niles: Well fine! If that's the way you feel, maybe I'll just have dinner by myself! Daphne: Fine! It'll spare you the hell that's my cooking! Niles storms out and Daphne heads for her room. Before she can get there, she turns back just as Niles hurries back through the door. Niles: I am so sorry! I love you so much! They embrace. Niles: I didn't mean any of those things. Daphne: Yes you did. And I did too. You're a pretentious snob with your wine and your opera. Niles: Well...you NEVER GIVE OPERA A CHANCE! You're too judgmental. Daphne: And you're a clean freak. Niles: Well...I hate your unicorn collection. Daphne: And I hate that your closet is bigger than mine! He reaches up to touch her cheek. Niles: Well...you're too tall! Daphne: You're too short. He pulls her to him. Niles: Well... They kiss passionately, stumbling up against the pillar and knocking over one of Frasier's statuettes. The camera continues to pan across as they continue. Niles: Oh, Daphne... Daphne: Oh, Niles... [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 3 - Cafe Nervosa Niles is sitting at a table, holding a cup, with a happy little smile on his face. Frasier comes in. Frasier: Ah, there you are, Niles. [to waiter] May I have a latte, please? [he sits] So, how are things with you and Daphne? Niles doesn't say anything and continues to stare with his faraway look. The waiter hands Frasier his cup. Frasier: Thank you. Niles, is everything okay? Niles slowly blinks and, without turning his head, shifts his eyes to look at Frasier, smiling all the while. Frasier: Ah. Niles: You know the best part, Frasier? It wasn't at all like I imagined it. They clink glasses. FADE OUT. [SCENE_BREAK] Niles is sitting in his office with a highly distressed patient. He has the same silly smile on his face. Whenever the patient looks at him, he tries to look serious, but often has to turn his head or hide his mouth with his notebook.
Daphne Returns