Frasier and his family receive a visit from Dr. Leland Barton ( David Ogden Stiers ), his late mother's research assistant, now settled in Paris. They find him sophisticated and erudite, with an interest in sherry and the arts - in short, surprisingly similar to Frasier and Niles. Roz even observes that they have some similar mannerisms, and when Leland confides in her how close he was to their mother, she cannot help considering the possibility that the similarities are more than just a coincidence. Martin makes some similar observations, and begins to feel unsettled by the thought. Niles and Daphne are also thinking about parenting , and although there are no children on the way yet, Niles is keen to get a place in advance at a decent kindergarten . The problem is that they have to put a name on the form.
Act 1 Scene 1 - Cafe Nervosa Fade in. Niles and Daphne are at a table together, Frasier joins them. Frasier: What is this? St. Osric's Pre-Kindergartener Academy and Day Care Center? Do I hear the pitter-patter of petite elite feet? Niles: No, no, no. It's just that the wait list for St. Osric's is up to four years. So I thought we should get our application in now to be safe. Frasier: Very wise, Niles. You know, Lilith and I waited until Frederick was conceived before we enrolled him in private school. Niles: Mr. Procrastinator. Daphne: It's pre-kindergarten. They run around, they sing, they nap. I mean, how special can St. Osric's really be? Niles: Well, I hear the top two percent in coloring and putting away can pretty much write their own ticket. Frasier: Oh, Niles, guess who's coming to visit? Leland Barton. Niles: Really. From the Empire Club? Frasier: No, that's Barton Leland. Leland Barton was Mom's research assistant. They worked together closely for years. Niles: I don't remember him. Frasier: Oh, that's right. We were just boys when he moved to France. Apparently he gave up psychiatry and immersed himself in the Paris art world. Today he sits on the board of the Paris Museum of Modern Art. Niles: Wow. It takes a brave man to just chuck it all. Cross the ocean in pursuit of a new life in a new country. Daphne: [getting up] Or a brave woman. Niles: Oh, yes, that's absolutely right. That's exactly what you did. The brothers get up as well. Frasier: Just like Dr. Barton you bade farewell to the comforts of hearth and home and filled your sails with the winds of change and adventure. Daphne: I never looked at it that way. Now I'll have something to think about this afternoon when I'm rubbin' your dad's bum. She kisses Niles and leaves. Niles and Frasier consider the "adventure" in that. Fade out. Scene 2 - Frasier's Apartment Fade in. Frasier opens the door and lets Roz in. She has Eddie and her dog, Ariel, with her. Frasier: Hello, Roz. Roz: Hi. Martin: Hey, Roz, how was the dog park? Roz: Well, I got a phone number. Martin: Oh, nice. Frasier: Is that why you people have pets? To get dates? Roz sits down on the couch. Roz: No, but it's a plus. I've never met one person who didn't get at least one date through their pet. Frasier: Well, meet me! Four years of high school and not a single encounter generated! Stupid fish. The doorbell rings. Frasier: Oh, that'll be Leland. Roz: Who's Leland? Martin: He was Hester's research assistant. Used to follow her around like a puppy. I think he was always a little bit jealous of me, to be honest. Not that he was alone. Frasier opens the door. Frasier: Dr. Barton. Leland: Hello, Frasier. Frasier: Good to see you. They shake and Leland comes in. Frasier grabs his garment bag and Leland gets his captain's bag. Martin gets up. Frasier: Let me take that for you. Leland: Thank you very much. Thank you. Hello. My God, look at you. I haven't seen you since you were about, what, seven years old. And you still look good in a suit. Martin, you have not changed a whit. Martin: Oh, my hair's gray and I've got a bullet in my hip. Leland: Well, I'm bigger and balder, but I don't want to hear about it. Martin laughs with him. Martin: Well, you look exactly the same, too. Roz gets up and shakes his hand. Leland: And you must be... I'm assuming you don't go by "Niles" anymore. Frasier: No, this is my producer Roz Doyle. My brother's not here. Leland: Ah. My sincerest apologies. You are a handsome woman. Roz: And it's nice to meet you, too. I guess I should be going. Leland: Oh, not on my account, I hope. Frasier: Please, Roz, stay if you like. Can I get anybody a drink? Leland: Well, not unless you happen to have any sherry. Frasier heads for the wine. Frasier: Oh, I think I can scare up a glass. Roz? Roz: Oh, I'll have a beer, please. Martin: Well, I can handle that. Roz: Come, sit down. Leland: Thank you. Martin heads for the kitchen. Roz and Leland sit on the couch. Roz: So, I hear you worked with Frasier's mom. Leland: Yes, I did. Did you know her? Roz: No. Leland: Pity. She was a remarkable woman. Brilliant, playful, passionate. I adored her. Frasier and Martin bring the drinks in and pass them around. Frasier: Here we are. Welcome back to Seattle. Leland: Thank you. Frasier: There we are. They all drink. Leland: This sherry is exquisite. Frasier: Oh, thank you. It's an Andalusian Amontillado I'm rather fond of. Leland: A connoisseur. I'm very surprised. Most Americans think that sherry is just for cooking. Frasier: Oh, my brother and I have always had a taste for it. Martin: Well, you didn't get any of that from me. I always hated the stuff. You know, come to think of it, so did your mom. Eddie jumps up on the couch next to Leland, puts his paw on his arm, and stares at him. Leland looks at him questioningly. Leland: Can I help you? Frasier: I'm sorry about that. Martin: Eddie, down. Eddie stays where he is. Leland: Why is he doing that? Frasier: I don't really know. He used to do that to me. But I'll tell you what, just don't get in a staring contest with him, that's what he wants. Martin gets up. Martin: Come on, Eddie, get down. I'm sorry, I don't know what got into him. I'll get him a treat. Martin leads Eddie off to the kitchen. Leland gets up and looks around the apartment. Leland: Frasier, this is remarkable. You and I seem to have the same taste in art. Rauschenberg, Otterson, African statuary and sculpture. Although, I must confess, I'm not familiar with that one. Frasier: Oh, that's because while most Ashanti statues are intended to ward off evil spirits, this one was designed to distract me while my pockets were picked at the Kinshasa Airport. He and Leland share a hearty laugh and then drink at the same time, their poses almost identical. Roz gets up. Roz: You two have a lot in common. Psychiatry and sherry and art... Leland: And furniture. That is a Coco Chanel sofa unless I'm mistaken. Frasier: It is an exact replica of the one in her Paris atelier. You know, not many people even notice it. Leland: Well, not many people have passed out drunk on the original. Frasier: Oh, I would love to hear that story. Leland: Well you are in luck, because I love to tell it. But first, let me thank you for making me feel so welcome. I must confess, I had some reservations about returning to Seattle, but you've dispelled them all. To you. They clink glasses and sip again. Frasier: Please. They sit down on the sofa together, take another sip and both make contented sighs. Eddie jumps up on the couch between them, looking back and forth, unable to make up his mind. Martin notices Roz staring at them. Martin: What's the matter? Roz: Nothing. On the sofa, Eddie continues to stare back and forth between Frasier and Leland. Fade out. THE WOES OF THE NAME Scene 3 - Niles' Apartment Fade in. Niles and Daphne are working on a pre-school application. Niles: Okay, we just need to fill in a name and I can get the application over to St. Osric's. Daphne: How can we have a name? I'm not even pregnant yet. Niles: Well, it's not THE name, it's just a place holder. Anything will do. Daphne: All right, how about, uh... Simon? Niles: As in your brother with the substance abuse problem, Simon? Daphne: There are other Simons, you know. Simon Templar, Simon Legree... Simon Chipmunk. Niles: Not exactly building a case for "Simon". How about Jill? Daphne: No, don't like it. That's the name of that weather tart on channel eight. Niles: All right, let's just pick a name at random. Like out of the phone book. Daphne: That's a good idea. Leave it to fate. Niles gets up and grabs the phone book. Niles: Okay. When I stop, you point. He riffles through the book in front of her and stops with it open. She jabs her finger at the page. Niles reads the name and sits back down to write it in. Niles: "Bob." Great. "Bob Crane." Okay, we're going to need some Wite-Out. He gets up and tosses the phone book back in it's place. Fade out. Scene 4 - Cafe Nervosa Fade in. Leland, Niles, Frasier and Martin walk in the front. Leland: Oh, listen to me. I've been talking your ears off for the last hour about psychiatry. Martin: Yeah, really. They walk over to a table where Roz is sitting. Frasier: Oh, Roz, do you mind if we join you? Roz: Oh, yeah, not at all. Martin sits. Niles: Leland, it is such a pleasure to talk shop with a fellow nutcracker. Leland: And talking to you Jung people makes me feel like an "id" again. They laugh. Niles: Do you have a pun, Frasier? Frasier: No, let's just sit down. The brothers take seats. Martin notices Roz staring at Leland, who is dusting his chair. Martin: What's wrong? Roz: Nothing. Frasier: Oh, you know, there is a wonderful Brassai exhibit in town. What do you say we stop over there after lunch? Leland: I would love that. I'm a big fan. Niles: Oh, I wish I could join you, I have patients all afternoon. I don't suppose you'd be willing to go now, would you? Leland: Oh, fine by me. Frasier: Oh, certainly, let's go get our coffee at the museum. The three of them get up. Frasier: Dad, Roz, any chance you'd like to take in some Parisian photos taken by an old Romanian master? Martin sarcastically holds a thinking pose for a moment. Martin: Hmm... no. Roz: Thanks, anyway. The trio heads out the door, a waitress calls after Frasier. Waitress: Oh, excuse me, your father forgot his umbrella. She holds out Leland's umbrella. Frasier: Oh, thank you very much. Here you go, "Dad." They all laugh and leave. Martin: Well, I don't blame her for that. Leland's more like 'em than I am. Roz: Really? You really think so? Martin: Oh, come on. How can you not see it? They're like three fancy peas in a pod. Roz: Well, I did notice that they have the same taste in art and music, and they even have some of the same mannerisms. Martin: Yeah. And Leland and Niles are both allergic to rose hips and Jerusalem artichokes. Weird, huh? Roz: When Leland started talking to me last night about how close he and Hester were, I started thinkin' what you're thinkin'. Martin gets a suspicious look. Martin: And what am I thinking? Roz: Nothing. Martin: What are you saying? You think he's their father? Roz: No, I wasn't saying that! Martin: Lot's of people like art and sherry and French stuff. It doesn't mean they're related. By your logic, everyone on the cooking channel is their father. Roz: Okay. Martin: Okay! Martin takes a sip from the cup in front of him. Martin: Ugh. What the hell is this? Roz: I don't know, it was there when I sat down. Martin: Ugh! He pulls back in disgust. Fade out. Scene 5 - Frasier's Apartment Fade in. Niles is on the couch, going through a manuscript. Leland comes out of the powder room. Niles: Leland, your autobiography is wonderful. Leland: Thank you. Let us hope that the publishing houses feel similarly. Niles: Ah. Have you shown it to Frasier? Leland: No I haven't. How's he feeling by the way? Niles: Let's go see. Bring the manuscript, he'd love to see it. His cell phone rings and he answers it. Niles: Hello. Oh, hello, Darling. [to Leland] Go ahead, I'll be right there. Leland walks back towards the bedroom and Niles returns to his phone call. Niles: Okay, so "Delilah" is out? No, that's fine, that's fine. What are your ideas? ... Taylor. Fletcher. Cooper. Tanner? Where are you getting these, the Big Book of Medieval Professions? Cut to - Frasier's bedroom. He is in bed, sick. Leland comes in. Leland: Frasier, how are you doing? Frasier: Oh, I'm afraid my stomach is still churning. I'm not going to be able to make dinner. Leland: Oh, I understand. Well, I'll leave you to rest. Perhaps, though, later if you're feeling better I can get your opinion on a short section of my autobiography. Frasier: Well, when I can't give an opinion you may as well call the coroner, tag my toe, I'm dead. Leland pulls a chair up. Cut to - the living room. Niles is still talking to Daphne. Niles: No. That's a kind of car. Martin comes in the front door. Martin: Hey, Niles. Niles: Hi. Martin: What's going on? Niles: Oh, we were going to go out to dinner with Leland, but Frasier's not feeling well. Martin: Oh. Well, maybe I'll go check on him. He puts his jacket away. Niles: [into phone] Now it just sounds like you're reading from the spice rack. Cut to - Frasier's room. Leland is reading aloud to Frasier. Leland: "I realized the sherpa had become my guide in more ways than one." Martin comes in. Frasier: Oh, that was wonderful. Read me another. Leland: No, no, go to sleep now. Frasier notices Martin. Frasier: Oh, Dad. Martin: Hey, Fraizh. I just was wonderin' how you were doin'. Frasier: Oh, well, not so good, actually. I'm afraid I'm going to have to skip dinner. Why don't you go in my place? Martin: Sure, if you want me to. Frasier: All right. You know, the two of you should get going, really. You'll miss the reservation. Leland gets up. Martin: Right. Get well, son. Leland: We'll be wishing you a speedy recovery. Frasier: Oh, thank you. Martin: Oh, Fraizh, you want me to bring you back something from the restaurant? Maybe some Jell-o to sooth your tummy? Frasier: Thank you, Dad, it's all taken care of. Leland's going to bring me some consomme and sorbet. Martin: Oh, okay. Martin leaves, disgruntled. Cut to - the living room as Leland comes in. Leland: Well, Niles, it looks like your dad is going to take Frasier's place at dinner. Niles: Oh, excellent. He gets up and lets out a groan. Leland: What's the matter? Niles: My leg's asleep. Leland: Oh, move your foot around. Niles: No, it's the whole leg. I'll just wait it out. Leland: But the movement will get the blood flowing. Go ahead, give it a try. Niles: No, I can't put weight on it. Leland: Sure you can. Give it a try. Come on, one step at a time. That a boy. Martin comes in to watch as Niles walks unsteadily across the room like a child to Leland, finally grabbing him for balance. Leland: Keep going, there we are. Martin just watches this in disbelief. Fade out. Act 2 [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 1 - KACL Fade in. Martin is talking to Roz in the booth. Roz: You really think your wife would have ever cheated on you? Martin: She did. She said it happened once. Roz: Oh, my God. With Leland? Martin: No, someone else. Roz: You know, I think that you're driving yourself crazy for nothing here. Of COURSE Frasier and Niles are your sons. You're exactly like them. Martin: Like? How? Roz: Your strong sense of ethics. Martin: Yeah, we are ethical. What else? Roz: The way they spin out of control. Martin: Yeah, that's true. They get that from me. Roz: Their stubbornness. Martin: I'm not stubborn. Roz: Their defensiveness. Martin: What's that supposed to mean? Roz: The way they completely dismiss anyone who doesn't share their opinion. Martin: Oh, now you're just being dumb. He gets up to leave. Roz: Hey, what is the worst case scenario? If you found out you weren't their father, would you love them any less? Martin: No, no. Well, yeah, a little maybe, at first. But no, I... I'd feel the same about them as I hope they would about me. Roz: Which they would. And you know that. Martin: Yeah. I mean, you'd still love Alice if you found out you'd gotten the wrong baby at the hospital. Roz: Sure. Martin: And as a cop, I've seen that happen more often than you'd think. Especially at Seattle General. Roz: I had Alice at Seattle General. Martin: Oh, sorry. But the point was, that you'd love her just the same, so who cares who her real mother is. Roz: I'M her real mother! Martin: Okay, geez. He holds up a hand to ward her off. Fade out. Scene 2 - Niles' Apartment Fade in. Niles and Daphne are on the couch, still trying for a hypothetical name. Niles: How about "Desmond"? Daphne: Desmond Crane. "Desmond Crane you are hereby sentenced to..." No, I don't like it. What about "Jack"? Niles: 'Fraid not. The first name ends with the same sound that begins the last name. So you either run them together "JacKrane", or you face the dreaded glottal stop "JacK Crane", "JacK Crane". It's unpleasant for the throat. Daphne: This conversation's unpleasant for the throat. Niles: Well, I know, I know. Okay... OH! Why don't we use the name of that nice nurse from when I was in the hospital? Daphne: "Fong" or "DeShandra"? Niles looks caught, but still puts on his game face. Niles: "Fong." Daphne throws her book down in disgust and gets up. Niles follows. Niles: Well, wait. Let's not drive ourselves crazy about this. It's a temporary name for a hypothetical child. Daphne: Yes, but once you give something a name, it makes it more real. And then that name will always have a sort of priority. I don't care how often you say "elevator" or "apartment" or "crossing guard," to me they'll always be "lifts" and "flats" and "lollipop men." Niles: Well then, tell you what. You pick a name and I'll accept it unconditionally. Daphne: "Milton". Niles: "Milton." Great poet and a great name. He sits and writes the name in on the application. Daphne: Great. Can we go to bed now? Niles: Yes.... He follows her up the stairs. Niles: Hey, didn't you have a soccer hooligan boyfriend named Milton? Daphne: Yeah. That's where I got it. Niles turns on his heel, a look of disdain on his face. He rushes down the stairs and erases the name. Fade out. Scene 3 - Frasier's Apartment Fade in. Niles is playing the piano, with Leland and Frasier looking on. They are singing "Modern Major-General" from "The Pirates of Penzance." Frasier: I know the kings of England and I quote the fights historical, From Marathon to Waterloo in order categorical. Niles: I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical, I understand equations both the simple and quadratical. Martin watches them, looking a bit left out. Leland: About binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot of news, With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse. Together: With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse, With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse, With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse! Martin tries to join in. Martin: With awful facts about the scary hippopotamus! The others turn and look at him. Leland: What a wonderfully musical family you are. Martin: We sure are. Me and my boys. My boys and me. We're wonderful and we're musical. Leland: Martin, I can't tell you what a wonderful job you've done with them. Martin: Oh, it wasn't a job, it was a biological pleasure! And don't forget I had Hester. The phone rings. Frasier goes to answer it. Frasier: Oh, excuse me. Leland: Well, you were lucky. She was a splendid woman and a remarkable research partner. Martin: And an even better life partner. Leland: Well, I wouldn't know about that. Martin: [muttering] Damn straight you wouldn't. He heads for the kitchen as Frasier finishes his phone call. Frasier: Leland, your cab is waiting. Leland: Oh, so soon. Well, I can't thank you enough for all your courtesies. If you are ever in Paris you must allow me to repay your many kindnesses. I'm so proud of the way you boys have turned out. Martin: Leland, let me walk you out. Leland: Thank you. Niles: Bon voyage. Leland and Martin head out to the hallway. Cut to - the hall as they come out and Leland closes the door. Martin: Leland, there's a question I need to ask you. Leland: Yes, of course. Anything. Martin: I'm a little uncomfortable even bringing it up, but I don't think I could let you leave the country without knowing the answer. I know that you and my wife spent a lot of time together. That you were close... Leland: I... loved her very much. Martin: Then I guess my question is: How much? Leland: Enough to trust her with the fact that I'm gay. Martin lets out a half sigh/half laugh of relief. Leland: You know, forty years ago people weren't as accepting as they are nowadays. And without someone like her to confide in... she quite probably saved my life. The elevator opens, Leland grabs his bags and gets in. Martin: Leland, she loved you too. Leland: She really was something, wasn't she? Martin: She really was. They shake hands. Leland: Bye, Martin. Martin: Take care, Leland. The elevator closes and Martin goes back in. Cut to - the living room as he enters and sees Frasier and Niles at the piano again. Martin: My boys. His Boys: On a tree by a river, a littlie tom-tit Sang "Willow, tit-willow, tit-willow". And I said to him "Dicky-bird, why do you sit? Singing 'Willow, tit-willow, tit-willow'?" "Is it a weakness of intellect, birdie?" I cried "Or a rather tough worm on your little inside?" ["On a Tree By A River," from "The Mikado."] Martin throws his cane down in disgust, plops down in his chair and puts on his headphones, before turning on the TV. Fade out. [N.B. If the characters' ages are meant to reflect the true ages of the actors, then Leland/David Ogden Stiers would have been only fourteen when he was Hester's research assistant.] Scene 4 - Cafe Nervosa Fade in. Daphne is at the window seat, staring at the St. Osric's application. Roz walks in. Roz: Oh, my God, are you still stuck picking a name for that application? Daphne: Yeah, we can't come up with one. Roz sits down and grabs the paper. Roz: Oh God, give it to me. And then I'll fill it in and you'll never have to see it and you won't feel stuck with it. Daphne: That's a great idea. Roz thinks a moment, then starts writing. Fade Out. FIVE YEARS LATER Scene 5 - St. Osric's Pre-kindergartener Academy and Day Care Center Fade in. The applications committee is meeting. Director: Howard Clifton is officially accepted. Who do we have next? A committeeman picks up the next form. Committeeman: Last name "Crane", first name... "Ichabod". Director: Well, if they're not going to take the application seriously, how can we expect them to take St. Osric's seriously? He stamps it "ADMISSION DENIED" and puts it on the reject pile. [SCENE_BREAK] Frasier gets on the elevator next to a young man with a fish in a bag. At the next floor, a young girl gets on and immediately shows an interest in the fish. At the next stop, she gets off, taking the young man with her and leaving Frasier behind to agonize over the injustice of it all.
Fathers and Sons