Tina hires a feminist lesbian lawyer named Joyce Wischnia ( Jane Lynch ) to help with her separation from Bette. Dana and Tonya have a get-together with Dana's parents to discuss their upcoming nuptials. Ivan gives Kit the cold shoulder as she prepares to finalize her purchase of The Planet coffeehouse from Marina's visiting estranged husband. Jenny enrolls in a creative writing class at UCLA taught by the stern and cynical Charlotte Birch ( Sandra Bernhard ) in which the latest writing assignment makes Jenny decide to break up with Robin after she discovers Robin wishes to marry her. Dana and Tonya take Alice, Shane and Tina for a night on the town to a strip club where a girl, who looks like Bette, dances in front of her.
EXT. - CHURCH - DAY [Church bells are heard. Several people stand just outside the main entrance, which is decorated in lace and bows. There's a red carpet leading to the entrance.] [Title card: Mendocino, California - 2003.] [Robin walks out the doors in white tuxedo; the people 'ooh' and 'ahh' and clap and throw rice. Robin smiles as she walks out. Everyone looks to the doors expectantly.] Voice: Where's Claybourne? [Robin looks around. Claybourne is not there.] INT. - CHURCH - DAY [Claybourne and another woman are ravishing each other.] Woman: Oh! Claybourne! Claybourne! f*ck! Oh! EXT. - CHURCH - DAY [Robin looks at the ground sadly.] [Opening credits.] INT. - ATTORNEY JOYCE WISCHNIA'S OFFICE - DAY [Tina is sitting across the desk from Joyce Wischnia. All around are framed newspaper articles and photographs of Joyce's career as a civil rights attorney. One newspaper article headline screams "Lacerating Lesbian Lawyer". Next to it is a picture of Joyce posing with Bill Clinton.] Tina: It was, uh, Bette's house. She bought it before we met. But she put me on the title after I moved in. Joyce: Did you contribute to the mortgage payments? Tina: I offered, but Bette never wanted me to. (sighs) I made pretty good money as a Development Executive, but not as much as Bette and she insisted on paying the mortgage. Joyce: And you always did what Bette wanted? Tina: No. Joyce: Did you pay for anything? [Joyce picks up a couple of ping-pong balls off her desk. She turns in her chair and hurls them at a huge felt wall sculpture of a uterus, with fallopian tubes and ovaries and little fabric pockets under them. The little ball hits with a thud and sticks to the uterus. Tina stutters and stares for a moment.] Tina: (wide eyed) I... uh, paid for utilities and I... [Joyce hurls another ball at the giant uterus. It sticks. Tina's eyes go wide.] Tina: ... paid for the food. Although most of the utilities are in Bette's name. Joyce: Well of course they are. [Joyce hurls another ball. It sticks.] Joyce: Why should the little wife have to put her name on anything? [Joyce hurls another ball. It bounces on the floor.] Tina: (defensive) That's absolutely not the case. I... just never bothered to change it. Look, I don't even know why I'm here. I'm not going after Bette's money. Joyce: If we wind up in court - Tina: Wind up in court? Whoa! I don't wanna be here. EXT. - LA STREET - DAY [A busy commercial-residential street at the foot of the Hollywood hills. Various shots of people on the streets, palm trees, cars.] EXT. - SIDEWALK - DAY [Alice and Shane are walking to The Planet.] Alice: She had to do something, so I hooked her up. Shane: With a lawyer? Alice: Joyce Wischnia is the leading gay civil rights attorney in L.A. Shane: Ah, Jesus, Al, you and your f*cking "best of" lists. Bette and Tina don't need that. Alice: Well, I wasn't really thinking about Bette, I was thinking about Tina. Fine. What do you think she needs? Shane: (shrugging) I don't know. A lap dance, maybe. Not a f*cking lawyer. [They get to The Planet. Alice walks up the door. It's locked and a sign reads "CLOSED until further notice." Alice pulls the door handle.] Alice: Closed? Shane: What? [Alice and Shane look around.] Shane: sh1t. INT. - JOYCE'S OFFICE - DAY Joyce: Do you want me to tell you why you need a lawyer? Tina: Okay. Joyce: Because in the eyes of the world, especially the world as embodied by the courts, you are sh1t. [Tina closes her eyes and looks down.] Joyce: You gave up your autonomy in a relationship that the law doesn't recognize. And your ex controls everything. Tina: (defensive) She always said what's hers is mine. Doesn't matter whose name it was in. [Joyce leans back and picks up her pipe.] Tina: If I needed money in my checking account, I just took it from savings; I was authorized on the account. I never had to ask her for anything. Joyce: Does it bother you if I smoke? Tina: I really wish that you wouldn't. [Joyce looks at her like she misheard her.] Tina: If you don't mind. [Tina clutches her purse a little tighter to her belly. Joyce notices. Tina avoids eye contact.] Joyce: Okay. [Joyce puts the pipe down and picks up a pen.] Joyce: Okay. Let's review the facts. Did you give up your career at her urging? Tina: Yes. Joyce: Did you make a home for her, did you cook, decorate, entertain, fill the house with liveliness and warmth? Tina: (hesitates then smiles) Yes. Joyce: Okay. Did you offer your womb to give birth to her child? [Tina doesn't know what to say. She fidgets and tries to speak but doesn't get anything out.] Tina: Bette doesn't know about this. I mean, nobody knows about this. Joyce: You're kidding. Tina: I just started showing. I had a miscarriage about five months ago. Bette didn't handle it so well. I didn't want her to have to go through it again. Joyce: So you went and got inseminated on your own, and you're protecting her until you're sure it's going to stick. Tina: Yeah. Joyce: And then she cheated on you. She spread her legs for another woman. Tina: (upset) Could you please not say that? Joyce: It's true! Deal with it. Doesn't it make you angry? Tina: f*ck, yes. Joyce: So what do you want? Take responsibility for yourself. Get what you rightfully deserve. And don't let Bette decide that for you. [Tina looks down. Joyce leans forward.] Joyce: Look, Tina. I am not a marriage wrecker. If you want to get back together with Bette... do you? Tina: (hesitates) (shakes head) I don't know. Joyce: Well, either way. You have to come to this from a position of strength. Whether or not you and Bette eventually reconcile - especially if you decide to get back together and rebuild your relationship? First, you need to have your autonomy. Can you see why? Tina: Yes, I can see why. I want my autonomy. Joyce: (smiles a little) Okay. (picks up pen) Who's Bette's lawyer? EXT. - NIRVANA BEAN COFFEE SHOP - DAY [Alice and Shane stand at the counter of a corner coffee shop, stymied by the menu. Shane is trying to order. Alice watches. A long line of people wait to order.] Shane: The - the, the, Somalian Headtrip, the espresso of the day. I - is that different from a regular shot? Cashier: No. Shane: It's not. Cashier: No. Shane: Okay. (looks up at menu) Well then, can I have two... of whichever's strongest. Cashier: Okay. Shane: Okay? And can I have it filled (gestures with hands apart) in a - tall cup, halfway? Cashier: Okay. Any flavoring? Shane: What. In my coffee? (looks at Alice) What the f*ck is he talking about with the flavoring? [Alice looks at the line of customers formed behind them and spots Tonya and Dana.] Alice: Hey! Guys. [Dana in tow, Tonya pushes through the crowd.] Dana: (to crowd) Sorry, can you excuse us? Tonya: (to crowd) Sorry. Excuse me. Dana: (to crowd) Sorry. Alice: (to Tonya) Shane does not know what she's doing here. Tonya: What do you normally have at The Planet? Shane: A double shot. Tonya: (to Cashier) Give the woman a baby mindblower with an extra hit of espresso. [The cashier nods.] Dana: You're gonna need the extra hit, Shane. I mean, even though they call it the mindblower, it's still not as strong as Planet coffee. Tonya: (to Cashier) We will each have a toffee nut caramel soy far-out frappe. [Tonya and Dana smile at each other. Tonya turns quickly to Alice.] Tonya: You don't mind, right? Since we're here? Shane: (to Tonya) A toffee... nut... soy... Tonya: Far-out frappe. Shane: Far-out frappe. That's... that's intense, Tonya. Tonya: That's what I'm in the mood for. Alice: Dana didn't really say that she was in the mood for one, though. [Dana moves to stand behind Tonya.] Tonya: No, but she likes what I like. She always wants what I want more than what she wants. Right? [Tonya leans back and kisses Dana's cheek. Dana grins.] Dana: (to Alice, smiling) It's true, I do. Shane: (at Tonya and Dana, fake smile) So nice. (looks at menu) So lesbian. [Dana looks at the menu and roughly bumps her shoulder against Alice.] EXT. - BEST PICTURE CARS - DAY [Ivan's garage. The 1950s art deco sign on the garage reads "Best Picture Cars".] INT. - BEST PICTURE CARS - DAY [Twangy 1950s bebop plays over the garage radio. Lots of female mechanics work on vintage automobiles. Dax, one of the mechanics, leans under the hood of a truck and takes off the air filter. She looks up and sees Kit. Kit approaches her.] Kit: Ivan's not calling me back. Dax: (looking at engine) Ivan, uh, doesn't wanna talk. Kit: (sighs) Just tell me where sh - he is. I've been to the apartment, he's not there. [Dax wipes her hands on an oil rag and walks past Kit to the front desk.] Dax: He's got a cabin in Idyllwild. Kit: He's got a cabin? Dax: Yeah. Ivan's got a cabin. Yeah. Yeah, dude's set up. [Dax picks up some paperwork and hands a set of keys to a guy.] Kit: Hey, I, you know, I appreciate you being protective but it - it's not what you think. I really care for Ivan. [Dax goes through some papers.] Dax: (nodding) Sure. Kit: (more urgent) I need to talk to him. Dax: You know, what happened, you know, with the two of you? Kit: When I saw her? Dax: When you saw her. Yeah. Kit: (sighs) Oh, I knew I shouldn't have busted in, I should've waited. [Dax wipes her hands on a rag and flips through some more papers.] Dax: (nods) It was bad. Kit: I know it was bad for Ivan, but it was unsettling for me, too. [Dax walks around the counter and heads for the staircase.] Kit: You know, but we can get past that. Dax: Yeah, well, maybe not Ivan. Kit: Ohh, it's crazy, of course we can! Y - just - just - let me have his address, please? Dax: Naw, you know, it'd be better to wait. Let him chill for a few days. Kit: I can't wait! Dax: Then when Ivan gets back, just don't mention it. Like it didn't happen. [Dax starts to head up the stairs.] Kit: Dax! I can't wait. [Dax stops.] Kit: I don't have a few days, you know what I'm sayin'? [Dax looks at Kit.] INT. - BETTE'S OFFICE - DAY [James hovers over Bette, showing her, on her computer, apartment listings he found online. She takes notes.] James: Bette, I scoured the rentals. These guys do a lot of short stays, people coming in to do movies and that kind of thing. [Bette throws down her pen and grabs the mouse from James.] Bette: (scoffs, pissed) Give me that! I cannot f*cking afford movie star prices! James: (hesitant) Uh, sorry, no, you misunderstood. Its crew people, not movie stars. Bette: Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Go ahead. [Bette gives him back the mouse and picks up her pen again.] James: Okay, uh... [James pulls up a webpage that says "Trillium Homes." The picture is of a nice art-deco apartment building. The caption of the picture reads, "Imagine waking up every morning to the energizing buzz of L.A. and relaxing in the evening to the twinkle of glittering lights. You are just minutes away from shopping and relaxation." The rental price is $680 a month.] James: Here it is. It's a little one bedroom over on Barham. Bette: (frustrated) In the Valley? James: On the cusp. It has a 323 area code so - Bette: What, are you trying to make sure she leaves me? [James stands up.] James: It's one of the few places that rents month-to-month. I thought if she wants to come home after a month - Bette: I want you to keep looking. James: Okay, I'll keep looking. Bette: And find something nicer. I will not have Tina living like that. James: Well, uh, if you're willing... (leans back down to surf to another page, sighs) if you want to sign a six month lease, I saw this little... Bette: I will sign a six month lease, I don't care if I lose my money, as long as it means Tina's coming home. James: Okay. [Bette sighs and looks back at the monitor, frowning.] James: Here we go. This is, uh... [There is a knock at the door.] Bette: [sharply] Come in. [Bette's lawyer, Bert from the episode 1x10 "Liberally", walks in.] Bert: I thought that you would be interested to know I got a call from Tina's lawyer. Bette: What kind of lawyer? Bert: Uh, her name is Joyce Wischnia, and she claims to specialize in civil and family matters. Bette: She's famous. Bert: I never heard of her. Bette: She's a gay civil rights lawyer. She was one of the first to support same-sex adoptions. Tina and I were going to use her. [Bert nods.] Bette: She also does estate planning and child custody, domestic partnership arrangements... [Bette stops, realization dawning slowly.] Bette: And separation and divorce. [Bert looks at James. James looks down. Bette looks hurt and angry.] Charlotte Birch: (voice over) The hunter and... INT.- CHARLOTTE BIRCH'S CLASSROOM - DAY [Charlotte Birch stands at the chalkboard in her writing class. She writes "Hunter and the Hunted" on the chalkboard.] Charlotte: ... the hunted. You have twenty minutes to write. [Charlotte puts the chalk down and walks toward the class.] Charlotte: It's fiction. Not an essay. Not a poem. Not a stream of consciousness bellow of yearning from you soul. Where's Aaron Engleberg? [Aaron, a student, raises his hand. Everybody looks at him.] Charlotte: Where'd you learn about violin making, Aaron? Aaron: It's been passed down through my family. My great-grandfather, my grandfather, and my father. All are master violin makers. Charlotte: Very poignant. Lovely story, it was my favorite submission. Aaron: Thank you. Charlotte: The author of Storm Seller, S-E-L-L-E-R? [Another male student, Hunter Kirby, raises his hand.] Hunter: Hunter Kirby. Charlotte: Nice use of metaphor, Hunter. [Hunter glows a little from the praise.] Charlotte: But watch out for the puns. And tell your dad I said hello. Hunter: I will. And, uh, my godfather says to say hello. Charlotte: Who's your godfather? Hunter: Edward. Albee. [Charlotte shakes her head as if impressed.] Charlotte: Where is Sarah Shuster? [Jenny raises hand as if embarrassed, nervous, or both.] Jenny: It's Jenny Schecter, actually. Charlotte: Jenny Schecter, Sarah Shuster. Well, well. (to the class) Miss Schecter has written a story called Thus Spoke Sarah Schuster. [Everybody looks at Jenny.] Jenny: Uh, yes, I realize that it's arrogant. Charlotte: Well arrogant is fine. Hubristic, overly precious bad puns are to be avoided. [Hunter smiles a little to himself.] Charlotte: Especially if someone wants to be accepted into my class. [Jenny looks over to Hunter. He grimaces a little.] Charlotte: Shall we begin? [Charlotte sets her egg timer. The students start writing. Jenny thinks a moment, then puts pen to paper.] Jenny: (voice over) The hunter... and the hunted. JENNY'S DAYDREAM - [A sequence of black and white images fade in and out quickly: A young girl, barefoot, is being chased by two boys through a dark house. The house is full of mirrors all draped in sheets. Children's laughter echoes. The girl runs up to one of the mirrors and peers through like it's a window.] Jenny: (voice over) This never happened. [Back in Charlotte's class the timer buzzes, interrupting the daydream.] INT. - CHARLOTTE BIRCH'S CLASSROOM - DAY [Charlotte stands near the back of the room.] Charlotte: That's it. Put down your pens. Students: Aww. [Charlotte walks over to Jenny, who is still writing. After a moment, Jenny looks up and puts her pen down.] Charlotte: That's right. [Charlotte walks to the front of the classroom. Jenny quickly adds a few more words while the teacher's back is turned.] INT. - CHURCH - DAY [Rock music blasts. The band, "The Organ", is performing their song "Brother" in a video shoot up in the balcony. The camera crew films from belong. Carmen roams around the cameras and lights, carrying a binder full of papers as she walks. She spills some of its contents, but continues walking.] Director: (offscreen) And cut. Back to first positions, please. [The music screeches to a halt.] [Carmen looks up and stops, startled.] Carmen: Oh, God. [Carmen walks up to Shane, who's standing a few feet away from the set, leaning against a column. Shane smiles at Carmen.] Carmen: How long have you been there? (laughs) Shane: Just a, uh... [Carmen catches her breath from being startled.] Shane: (walking over to her) Just a few minutes, (motioning to balcony) I saw that sexy guitar player hitting on you. Carmen: Yeah. (laughs) [Carmen picks up items sitting on a pew next to her.] Shane: Listen, I hope you don't mind, your mom told me where you were. Carmen: Oh, no, no, I don't mind. (begins walking) Come with me? Shane: Yeah. (follows) Well, also, I wanted... to apologize. About the other night. I was an asshole. Director: (off screen) Playback! EXT. - IVAN'S CABIN - DAY [A tiny cabin in an idyllic woodsy setting. A couple of vintage cars and a camper are parked out front. Kit drives up the gravel driveway and parks. She gets out of her car, her business plan in hand, looking around. Kit doesn't see Ivan working underneath one of the nearby cars. Ivan rolls out from under.] Kit: I know you don't want to talk to me. Ivan: Who told you where I am? [Kit gets up.] Kit: Look, we need to talk so we can... get this behind us. Ivan: Well, I'm busy right now. Kit: Ivan, I need your help. And, I know it's a bad time, but I just need 15 minutes. [Ivan wipes his hands on a rag and looks around.] INT. - CHURCH - CONTINUED [Shane and Carmen stand behind a partition, talking. Carmen seems just a little bit defensive.] Carmen: No, that's okay, you know, you don't want to get involved with anybody, and that is cool. Shane: I'm glad it's cool with you. Carmen: It's totally cool. Shane: Well (clears throat), it doesn't mean that... [The music for the video shoot plays.] Director: (off screen) Action! Shane: ... we can't f*ck. Carmen: You want to f*ck me? [Shane suddenly kisses Carmen.] [Cut between The Organ video shoot and Carmen and Shane seriously making out. Suddenly, Carmen's walkie-talkie booms to life.] Voice on walkie-talkie: Carmen? [Carmen and Shane continue.] Director: (off screen) Okay, cut it, cut it! [The music stops.] Carmen: Oh, f*ck. [They stop kissing. Carmen struggles to get to her headset on.] Shane: Ignore it. Voice: What's your twenty? Carmen: (to Shane) I, I can't. (laughing). Voice: (insistent) Carmen!! [Carmen presses a button on her walkie-talkie.] Carmen: (into headset) Uh, yeah. Go for Carmen. [Shane occupies herself with Carmen's neck. Carmen is struggling to stop giggling.] Voice: I need a fresh battery, ASAP. [Carmen tries to respond but kisses Shane instead.] Voice: Carmen? Carmen: (to Shane) No, no, no, wait. (into headset) Okay, yeah, right away. [Carmen giggles. She and Shane kiss some more.] Shane: What are you doing later? Carmen: (realizing) Oh, God, I have to go over to my grandmother's, I can't let her down. Shane: No problem. Carmen: Um... I could come over to your place late. Shane: No... no, my roommates are gonna be there. Carmen: Well, uh, what about tomorrow? Shane: Um (thinks). No, tomorrow I'm getting a lap dance. Carmen: Well, I could do a lap dance for you. [Shane laughs, Carmen giggles.] Shane: Yeah, I'd like that. But, it - it's for my friend. She just, uh, she got out of this relationship. Carmen: Mmm. (nods) Yeah, those relationships. They can really f*ck you up. Shane: Yeah. [Shane leans against the wall and looks as if she is about to say something.] Carmen: Mmm. [Carmen walks away. Shane watches her go.] EXT. - IVAN'S CABIN - CONTINUED [Ivan walks out of the cabin carrying two bottles of beer. Kit sits at a small table in the shade. He walks over and sets the bottles down.] Ivan: You want a beer? Kit: You're not drinking... Ivan: It's non-alcoholic. I'm not going to blow my sobriety, Kit. [Ivan opens a beer and sits back.] Kit: Ivan, this - this doesn't have to be that hard. I mean, after seeing you as a woman, your body's beautiful. I mean, unless you don't want to be - Ivan: (sharply) Hey, you know, why don't you just tell me what you want from me, okay? Kit: (clears throat) I brought... my business plan. My sister Bette's gonna co-sign for the loan. But the bank won't lend me the $75,000 unless I can come up with $50,000 in cash, and she - she just doesn't have it. Ivan: $50,000 dollars is a lot of money. Kit: (sighs) Tomorrow I have to meet Manfredi Ferrer, Marina's dad, and if I don't have it together then... it's over for me. (sighs) [Ivan sighs, stands, and takes a swig of beer.] Ivan: Leave your business plan, I'll look it over. I have things I need to do now. Kit: Ivan... Is... is there a... a chance? Ivan: (thinks a moment) You shouldn't count on me. [Ivan walks into the cabin, leaving Kit sitting alone. Kit sighs.] INT. - CHARLOTTE BIRCH'S CLASSROOM - DAY [The students watch Charlotte, who sits at her desk going through the papers that the students wrote.] Charlotte: Wild boar hunting. Well, that's certainly a literal interpretation. Glock's submission looks promising. (shuffles papers) I like the description of the, uh... (reads papers) lawn mower. (looks up at class) Always go for detail. (shuffles papers) Hmm. I see that Jenny Schecter has set her story of The Hunter and the Hunted in a... carnival. (looks at Jenny) Is that a true story, Schecter? [Jenny looks at her shyly.] Jenny: Yes. How did you know? Charlotte: It lacks imagination. You haven't transformed it into fiction. [Jenny looks a little shattered. Charlotte stacks all the papers together.] Charlotte: (to class) Thanks for trying, people. You'll all hear from me within the next ten days. [As other students leave the classroom, Jenny remains seated, lost in thought.] INT. - DANA AND TONYA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT [Dana is moving about and throwing things in the closet.] Dana: Why are we doing this? [Tonya stands at the mini-bar, counting the cocktail napkins.] Tonya: Because we want them to take part in the wedding. We want them in the wedding photos. We want your father to give you away. [Dana goes through a bag then tosses it on the floor. She tosses another bag on the floor.] Dana: Yeah, give me away. He's probably going to disown me. [She tosses another bag on the floor.] Tonya: Honey, they know that we're getting married. Don't they? Dana: Yes. Tonya: And they haven't disowned us yet have they? [Dana folds her jacket and throws it on the floor. She puts her hand on her forehead and sighs.] Tonya: Pookie, the worst they can do... [Tonya walks over to Dana and takes her hands. They stand facing each other.] Tonya: ... is refuse to acknowledge us. Which is pretty much what they're doing already, right? Dana: (nods) Yeah. [Dana sighs. Tonya pulls the hair back from Dana's face.] Tonya: I need you to go get ready. Dana: Okay. Tonya: I need you to wear your hair in a ponytail. (looks in Dana's eyes) And let me take care of everything else. [Dana nods.] Tonya: Okay? Dana: (whispering) Okay. [Tonya gives Dana a smooch on the lips, then kisses her forehead.] INT. - ALICE'S APARTMENT- NIGHT [There are clothes scattered all over the living room. Alice is cleaning. A knock comes at the door. Alice trips on something.] Alice: f*ck, Tina. Your sh1t's everywhere. f*ck. [Alice tosses a shoe out of the hallway. She opens the door. It's Bette - she pushes her way in.] Bette: Where the f*ck is Tina? [Bette enters the apartment and walks down the short hallway, into the living room.] Alice: (surprised) Bette. [Alice follows Bette into the living room.] Alice: She's not here, but you're welcome to come in. She's at work, um... she and Oscar are in some big project. [Bette faces Alice in the living room.] Bette: Did you know she's hiring a lawyer? Alice: She's not hiring one, she just went for a consultation. Bette: (scoffs) Provide bank statements? Have the house reappraised? Supply a list of my assets? Does that sound like a consultation? Alice: (cleaning) She was just going to get some advice. I thought she needed it, you know, to feel like she had some options. Bette: (confused) You thought...? Alice: Bette, you know what? She doesn't have any money. She doesn't have anything of her own anymore. Bette: (angry) You sent her to f*cking Joyce Wischnia? Alice: (defensive) I just suggested she see a lawyer! Bette: f*ck you! Alice: f*ck me?! Bette: Yeah, f*ck you! Weren't you my friend? Alice: (really agitated) You know, I'm still your friend! I'm totally your friend, but you can be a little cruel! [Bette rolls her eyes, scoffing.] Alice: I've been there. I remember. Bette: That's low. You and I dated for six weeks, it was never gonna go anywhere, I did us both a favor. Alice: (a beat) It's just... Tina's hurting. [Bette sighs and looks down.] Alice: And I would kind of like my place back. Someday. [Bette looks at Alice, tears in her eyes.] Bette: Well, I'll tell you what, my friend, (walking out) you can judge me all you want to. You make me into a pariah, I f*cking deserve it. But don't you dare interfere with my life like that. Okay? Don't cross that line again! [Bette walks to the door. Alice chases after her.] Alice: I didn't mean to cross a line. I - I'm sorry! [Bette slams the door behind her.] INT. - DANA AND TONYA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT [Irwin and Sharon, Dana's parents, sit with Dana and Tonya in the living room, having drinks. They clink glasses in a toast. Dana's hair is in a ponytail.] Irwin Fairbanks: To sponsorship. Sharon Fairbanks: To my little girl's brilliant career. [They all take a sip of their drinks.] Irwin: Mmm. Sharon: Mmm, oh, is this a Skinny Russian? Tonya: Well, I knew that was your drink, Sharon. Sharon: (pleased) Ohh. Dana: Mom? It's - it's actually Tonya that's the brilliant one. She's the one who locked in the GM deal. Tonya: (modest) Ohh. Dana: That's just the beginning. Tonya: Sharon, Irwin, do you realize what an impact Dana can have? Because she's - well, because she's beautiful. Because she looks like the beautiful girl next door. [Dana blushes at her. Irwin, eating hors d'oeuvres off a toothpick, nods.] Irwin: I think Dana's pretty near perfect. [Dana smiles at her father.] Tonya: Dana and your wife: two perfect examples of strength balanced by femininity. [Sharon blushes and shakes her head. Tonya smiles at Dana, then at the parents. Dana looks around nervously. Her parents look at each other, then at Tonya and Dana.] Tonya: Um... Sharon, Irwin... Dana and I have something we'd like to ask you. [Tonya and Dana clasp hands.] Sharon: No, I'm sorry, you cannot have the Tiffany lamps until Daddy and I are ready to downsize. [Everybody laughs. Dana's laugh is a little forced.] Tonya: Well, you know that we've set a date. [Sharon and Irwin go cold.] Tonya: We'd really like your blessing. Irwin: I don't know what difference that makes. Dana: It would mean a lot. [Sharon looks uncomfortable.] Dana: (imploring) Mom. Sharon: You know, I... (shaking head) I really don't understand. I mean, look at you two. Both of you such pretty girls! And neither of you would have any trouble finding a man. Dana: (under breath) Oh, God. (shaking head, frustrated) We don't want to find a man, Mom. God! Irwin: Dana. Dana: (loudly) No! It's just frustrating, you know! [Tonya gets up and sits on the arm of Dana's chair. She pets her hair and kisses her head.] Dana: I - I try to tell you guys, and you just don't listen! Tonya: It's okay. [Tonya looks at Sharon and Irwin for a moment.] Tonya: Sharon, I was engaged once before. I - I don't know if Dana told you. Sharon: (shakes head) No, no she didn't. Tonya: Well... his name was Bayard. He was smart and successful - he was a real estate lawyer. He was totally in love with me. [Sharon seems to listen. Dana kisses Tonya's hand; Sharon shakes her head and looks away.] Tonya: Now, I tried really hard to make that one work. But every night I would wake up in the middle of the night, crying. [Irwin listens.] Tonya: And one night, Bayard woke up and he found me like that. Do you know what he did? Irwin: Damned if I do. [Sharon looks up.] Tonya: He got down on one knee and he said, "Tonya, will you not marry me?" [Irwin and Sharon listen intently. Dana looks at them both.] Tonya: (continuing Bayard) "Because I know what's in your heart." [Sharon closes her eyes and sighs a little.] Tonya: (continuing Bayard) "And I love you too much to make you unhappy." [Irwin seems moved. He looks down.] Tonya: (continuing Bayard) "Be true to yourself, Tonya. Follow your heart." [Sharon begins to cry. Tonya looks at Dana, who's watching the change in her parents quietly. Irwin puts his hand on Sharon's shoulder. After a few moments, Sharon looks at Dana, who has tears in her eyes. Sharon takes a deep breath and opens her arms, smiling. Irwin opens his arms too. Tonya and Dana get up and they all hug. Tonya and Dana smile; Sharon cries happily.] INT. - NIRVANA BEAN COFFEE HOUSE - DAY [Tina and Alice are at the counter, ordering.] Tina: (reading menu) (to Alice) Am I really saving the environment if I am ordering an Awesome? Alice: Not if it's spills in your Prius. (to Cashier) Hi, I'm gonna try that toffee nut caramel soy frappuccino drink. [Shane quickly walks up to the counter.] Shane: No, no, no, no. No. Tonya ordered it yesterday, it was lethal. [Alice moves down the counter to wait for her drink. Alice and Shane follow.] Alice: Oh. Too bad she didn't keel over and die. Shane: Al... Alice: Oh, I'm sorry, was that too brutally frank and honest for you? [Alice leans against the bar and crosses her arms.] Alice: I don't know you guys, I don't trust her and I hope Dana gets a pre-nup. Tina: She should go see Joyce Wischnia. Alice: What? Don't get me involved in that. [One of the barristas hands Alice her coffee drink.] Alice: (to Shane) Bette totally reams me for uh, suggesting Tina see a lawyer. Shane: Well, I can't blame her. [Tina looks at Shane.] Shane: Sorry, Tina. Tina: Look, I've been taking care of people my whole life. It's about time I started to take care of myself. That's why I need a lawyer. [Alice hands Shane a cup.] Shane: Yeah, but... poor Bette. [Alice hands Tina a cup.] Tina: Well, she's not exactly an innocent party. Shane: I know, but... you know, getting a lawyer means that things will get ugly. Couldn't... couldn't you just try to... work it out together? Tina: Bette and I need to be on equal footing before there is any chance that we could work anything out. I need my autonomy. [Tina walks away. Shane looks sad.] [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. - TIM'S HOUSE - FRONT PORCH - DAY [Jenny and Robin are sitting on the steps.] Jenny: I don't think I wrote very well yesterday, and I think that Madame Birch didn't really like me. Robin: Huh, well. She's probably jealous because you're so gifted. And hot. Jenny: Of course. Robin: Come on. Come meet my friends. Today's the day. You're gonna love Ling-Ling. [Both get up to walk to Robin's car in the driveway.] Jenny: Okay. Okay now, Ling-Ling... Robin: Yeah. Jenny: ... is... the graphic designer! Right? Robin: Actually, not quite. Ling-Ling's seven months old. Jenny: (gasps) Okay. Robin: Um, her mom, Claudia, is the graphic designer. Jenny: Right. Robin: And her other mother, Margaret, is the geriatric nurse. Jenny: Right. Robin: Right? Jenny: Right. Right. Alright. [Robin opens the passenger door for Jenny and leans on the doorframe as they talk.] Jenny: And they have, um, an adopted Chinese baby. Robin: Yeah. Jenny: Okay, who else? Uh, is it - is it all gonna be couples today? Robin: Mm... Yeah. Jenny: Huh. Robin: Yeah, most of my friends are married. Jenny: (nods) Ah. Robin: They sort of, um, took care of me after, you know, Claybourne and I broke up. They were really happy when I met you. [Robin smiles and leans forward as if for a kiss. Instead, Jenny musses her hair and gets in the car.] INT. - NIRVANA BEAN COFFEE HOUSE - DAY [Dana and Alice are sitting at a small table, facing each other.] Alice: Does she know that we - we're having coffee? Dana: Oh, she's in Newport Beach with her family. Alice: (nods) Mm-hmm. Dana: (sips coffee) No, she doesn't know, but I'm not - I'm not hiding it. [They stare at each other. Dana smiles.] Dana: So. Alice: Well if she's at the beach, we could have just met at your place, like the good ol' days. [They smile.] Dana: But... we have rules and we're trying to follow them. [They lean closer together. Alice thinks. Dana looks nervous.] Alice: Does that mean that you're finding... it... a li - difficult... Dana: No. No, not at all, you? [Dana moves in closer. The both stare at the table, but their faces are inches apart.] Alice: Piece of cake. [They look into each other's eyes.] EXT. - L.A. STREETS - DAY [Shots of houses, apartment buildings, streets and traffic.] INT. - ROBIN'S FRIENDS' HOUSE - DAY [Baby Ling-Ling sits in a high-chair, playing in some food.] Nora's partner: Come on Ling-Ling. Come on, say your word. Come on Ling-Ling. Come on, say your word. [Three women - Nora, Claudia, and Nora's partner - sit on a couch. One of them is heavily pregnant. Jenny sits in a chair next to them. Robin sits behind her, on the arm of the chair. A few feet away is baby Ling-Ling in a high-chair. Margaret sits next to the baby, feeding it.] Nora's partner: Oh, she just said her first word. Come on, say your word. (looks at Jenny) Do you want to have children, Jenny? Jenny: (smiling) Oh, gosh, I - I - I - I don't know. [Robin smiles.] Jenny: I don't know. You know, I - I just kind of feel like I shouldn't be thinking about it now, you know. Nora: You've got all the time in the world. Now Robin should probably be the first to get pregnant. [Jenny looks at Robin. Robin laughs.] Robin: Nora, what are you doing? Nora: Well, you gotta get on with it. (to Jenny) Robin's gonna make a great mother, Jenny. She's a born nurturer. Jenny: Yes. She's a - she's a very kind lady. Nora's partner: It's, uh, a little soon for them to be talking about children, Nora. Margaret: Oh, come on, we're lesbians. We talk about everything. [Jenny forces a smile.] Nora: Yeah and anyway, one of the problems with Claybourne was that they didn't talk enough. I mean, Robin didn't even know that Clayborne didn't believe in monogamy until the day of the wedding. Claudia: (to Jenny) Did you know that Claybourne cheated on Robin at their own wedding? [Robin purses her lips and tosses up her hands. Jenny smiles uncomfortably.] Margaret: You should have been there. She was stunning. We'd like to see her in that tux again. [The women smile at Jenny. Jenny giggles uncomfortably.] INT. - TIM'S HOUSE - DAY [Jenny and Robin walk in the front door. There are a few boxes, lamps and a couple of small pieces of furniture in the living room. Robin comes in and closes the door behind her.] Jenny: Thank you very much for the day. Robin: Ah, you're welcome. Jenny: (clears throat) Um... Robin: Do you want to be alone or... can I come in? Jenny: Um, I don't. I think that we need to talk. Robin: Oh. [Jenny sits down and sighs. Robin sits down next to her.] Robin: Okay. Talk to me. Jenny: I like you very much. Robin: (chuckles) Hmm, that's a very bad way to begin a conversation. Jenny: Okay, I'm sorry. I'm just not ready to be married again. Robin: Well Jen, I haven't asked you to marry me. Jenny: Robin, it's so obvious to me that's what you want. And I kind of feel like... I don't know, that you set me up or something. Robin: Oh, no, no, no. No, they leapt to that conclusion 'cause that's what they want for me. Ya know? You can't punish me just because my friends want me to find, you know, an equitable partner. Jenny: Okay, I'm - I'm not trying to punish you. Look, Robin, I'm just realizing that, um, I need to... I - I just need to be alone right now. Robin: Jen, you can have time alone. (smiling) You don't have to be with me every second. [Jenny gets up.] Jenny: Okay, um... uh... (thinks) I need to try and be self-sufficient. [Robin shrugs a little, not understanding.] Jenny: Well, I've never really been on my own before... and... I think that I need to just... to feel scared. Robin: Oh, there's nothing to be scared of. I - I'm not a scary person. I'm a loving - Jenny: (impatient) Oh Robin, come on. I mean I'm - I'm so - I'm terrified of being on my own. I just gotta make myself do it, Robin, and I can't - I can't distract myself by creating all this f*cking labyrinth-like drama that I'm so good at creating and I promise you... that you do not want to get sucked into my f*cking bullshit. Robin: (stands up) You know what? Don't. Okay? Don't - don't tell me what I want and don't want. I know what I f*cking want. [Robin starts moving towards the door.] Jenny: Okay, well I'm gonna speak for myself. Robin: (sarcastic) Please. Jenny: This is uh - this is what I want. Robin: I can't believe you're doing this. [Jenny leans against the wall.] Robin: I... I can't go through this again. Jenny: I don't know Robin, that's why I'm saying we should stop now before we actually go through anything. Robin: Can I ask you something? Uh. (hesitates) (voice wavering) Did I blow it by taking you to meet my friends today? Jenny: No. I think that your friends seem like really good people. And they seem, uh... very mature and very um... (shrugs) settled in their life. Robin: So, um... you don't want to be in a relationship? Jenny: No, I don't. Robin: You just wanna sleep with people. Make them fall in love with you, so you can f*ck with their heads. Jenny: No, that's not what I want. Robin: Well, that's what you did. Jenny: (looking down) Great. [Robin chuckles, hurt.] Jenny: That's why I think we should end this right now before... (sighs) I disappoint you any more than I obviously have. [Jenny looks at Robin. After a moment, Robin walks out. Jenny sits down and hangs her head. Robin's car is heard leaving.] EXT. - MANDARETTE CHINESE CAFE - NIGHT [The restaurant is on the corner of a busy boulevard. Bette pulls up to the front of the restaurant. Her phone rings.] Bette: (phone) Hello? This is she. INT. - MANDARETTE CHINESE CAFE - NIGHT [Tonya, Dana, Tina, Shane and Alice sit around a table having dinner. The point of view as they talk is from the lazy Susan in the center of the table.] Tina: I don't think that women, especially lesbians, should exploit other women. Shane: Well, the strippers I know do it because they love it. Tonya: Wait a minute, haven't you ever had a lap dance? [Tina shrugs and shakes her head.] Tonya: Is there anyone else here who hasn't had a lap dance? [Dana looks at the ceiling. Tonya nuzzles her neck.] Tonya: Oh, my innocent little sweetie! Would you like one? [Dana gives her an 'are you kidding' look. Alice eyes them.] Alice: That would be okay with you? Tonya: Well, if Dana wanted one. But she doesn't want anyone else's booty in her booty right now. Do ya, Pookie? [Dana smiles a little uncomfortably. She takes a drink and stares at Alice. Alice, with a mouthful of noodles, stares back. Shane, between them, first sees Dana, then follows her gaze to Alice. She quickly looks back and forth between them.] Shane: Woah. [Shane chokes a little on her food. She realizes something's going on.] Alice: What? Shane: (coughing a little) Mm, just - Dana! (lifts drink and smiles) She's getting married! EXT. - MANDARETTE CHINESE CAFE - NIGHT [Bette gets out of her car and hands her keys to the valet.] Bette: Hey. I'm just picking up. I'll be two minutes. Thanks. [Bette enters the restaurant.] INT. - MANDARETTE CHINESE CAFE - NIGHT [Back at the table.] Tina: I don't think I want the first woman to ever touch me other than Bette to be a stripper. Tonya: Did I hear what I think I just heard? Bette's the only woman you've ever been with? Tina: You heard it right, missus. Tonya: (chuckling) Oh-ho. We are getting you a lap dance tonight. [The girls laugh. Meanwhile, oblivious that they're there, Bette hears the laughter while she waits at the front to get her order. She looks over; Tonya and Dana see her and the change in mood attracts the gaze of the others. Everyone looks over to see Bette. Bette and Tina exchange sorrowful glances, then Tina turns away. Bette picks up her order and walks out.] EXT. - MANDARETTE CHINESE CAFE - NIGHT [Bette hands the valet her ticket. He gives her the car keys.] Bette: (sad) Here you go. Thanks. [Shane suddenly runs out of the restaurant.] Shane: Hey Bette. Bette! [Bette stops.] Shane: (a beat) I'm sorry. Bette: (quietly) Thanks. [Bette gets in her car. Shane comes to the window.] Shane: Wait, wait. [Shane struggles for a moment to say something.] Shane: This sucks. Bette: (teary-eyed) Yeah, this sucks. [Bette and Shane look at each other sadly.] Bette: Listen, I gotta go. I gotta go meet Kit, so... Shane: I'm just uh... I'm just sorry. (a beat) I'm really sorry. Bette: (sad smile) Thanks. [Bette hesitantly starts the car and drives off. Shane watches her go, and re-enters the restaurant.] EXT. - STRIP CLUB - NIGHT [A strip club. Lots of neon lights. Music booms.] INT. - STRIP CLUB - NIGHT [Sexy dance music plays. Women dance on stage in various states of undress, in front of a crowd that is mostly men.] [Alice, Tina, Tonya, Dana, and Shane walk in. They stop and look around.] Alice: (to Tina) Whaddaya think, huh? Tina: I think it's hideous. Alice: Well, they're all different, you know? Some have real boobies. Keep looking, I'm sure you'll see some you like. [Shane walks off to do her own thing. Tonya takes Dana up to where a woman is dancing. Dana looks extremely shocked and nervous. Tonya admires the dancer, then slips a dollar between her breasts. She hands a dollar to Dana.] Tonya: C'mon, honey. It's good fun. C'mon. [Dana takes the dollar and averts her eyes as she slips it into the stripper's g-string. Tonya kisses Dana. A few feet away, Tina stands around looking around really uncomfortably.] INT. - THE PLANET - NIGHT [The Planet is closed for business. Chairs are stacked on all the tables except one. Bette and Kit sit at the table, eating the takeout from Mandarette's.] Bette: Well, maybe we can get Mister Ferrer to give you more time. I can go to the bank with you and we can try again. Kit: (laughing) Try what? Bette: Try to get them to lend you the full amount. I can put up some artwork as collateral. Kit: (sighs) No, I can't have you do that, it's too much. You're already putting yourself on the line. (sighs) Bette: You know, I wouldn't be doing this if I thought I was gonna lose my shirt, okay? Kit: (smiling a little) Thank you. That means the world to me. I don't think Marina's daddy's gonna give us a break. He sounds like he wants to get this over with fast. [Bette puts her hand on Kit's shoulder.] INT. - STRIP CLUB - NIGHT [Shane is having a beer and watching a stripper. A waitress walks past, takes an admiring look at Shane, then comes back.] Waitress: Hey there, good lookin'. Can I get ya anything to drink? Shane: (holds up her beer) Thanks. Waitress: Well... can I offer you anything else? I've got a lot to offer. Shane: I'm with my friends, but maybe later. Waitress: Maybe later. [The waitress starts to walk away, but steps back.] Waitress: You're a player, right? Shane: (chuckles) Right. Yeah. [The waitress walks off. Shane seems a little uncomfortable with the waitress' assessment. She takes a pull from the beer and watches the stripper.] INT. - STRIP CLUB - BATHROOM - NIGHT [The bathroom is barely big enough for a toilet stall and a sink. Alice glumly stares at herself in the mirror. The door opens. Dana enters.] Dana: Oh, sorry. Alice: (surprised) What are you doing here? Dana: I have to go to the bathroom. Alice: You have to get out, that's against the rules. Dana: No, I have to go to the bathroom, Al. Alice: Are you three? Can't you hold it for a minute? Dana: No. Alice: Fine. Fine. Go on. [Alice leans against the sink so Dana can squeeze past. As Dana does, Alice turns to face her. They're thisclose.] Alice: Go on. [One second away from kissing, Tonya suddenly barges in. Alice and Dana jump away from each other.] Tonya: You guys! Hurry up! Tina's found someone she likes, I think. Alice: Wow! That's exciting! [Alice heads back into the club. Tonya squeezes past Dana into the stall. Dana turns to leave, but Tonya drags her in.] Tonya: C'mere! [Under the stall door we see Tonya's pants drop to the ground.] Tonya: We gotta be quick! INT. - THE PLANET - NIGHT [Kit brings a couple of drinks to the table. A motorcycle is heard outside.] Bette: Jesus, is that him? Kit: Count Dracula rides a Hog? [Bette laughs.] Kit: Excellent. Maybe he's more down-to-earth than I thought. [Ivan walks through the door.] Ivan: Ladies. Kit: Ivan... what are you doing here? Ivan: I have a cashier's check for $50,000 dollars, I'm coming in as your partner. Kit: (gets up, smiling) Oh, Ivan... Ivan: It's a business arrangement, Kit. Straight up. I'm in because I like this plan. I'm your silent partner. I have nothing to do with your day-to-day. Okay? I don't need to hear from you, I won't be hanging around. I see a statement once a month. Kit: But Ivan - Ivan: That's how it's gotta be. If you want it. [Kit sighs and looks at the check in Ivan's hand. She takes it. She looks at Ivan sadly.] Ivan: Good luck. [Ivan smiles and winks at Kit, and leaves. Kit looks like she wants to say something, but it's too late. Bette frowns.] INT. - STRIP CLUB - NIGHT [Shane and Alice walk through the club.] Shane: So you wanna tell me what's going on? Alice: I dunno, supposedly Tina found a girl she likes. Shane: No, I mean with you and Dana. Alice: (looking at Shane) I don't know what you're talking about. Are you guys getting it on yet, or what? No! Okay. Okay. We kissed! How'd you figure... does anyone else know? - Doubt it. - You're a freak, you know that, Shane? Check it out. - Excuse me, ladies. - Hi. You go, girl. Give her some encouragement, T. Do you notice anything about her? Yeah, she looks a little bit like Bette. I am Manfredi de la Francesco Ferrer. Si? Oh, si, buonasera Count - Manfredi. Si. I don't have a lot of time, so just show me what I need to know. The money is in place? I want a glass of wine. Uh, red or white? Red. French or Italian. Not one of those California abominations. Well I've heard that California wines are pretty good these days. I hate Los Angeles. I don't know why Marina came here. This is a loan for $75,000 dollars, with a contingency. Si? Uh, si, yes. I have here $50,000 dollars in a cashier's check. I think Marina felt she had a home here. She had a lot of good friends. Bullshit. Who are you? Which one is Kit Porter? - I am. - And you are? Bette Porter. - Ahh. Si. You're the one. - The one what? Such judges, you Americans. You sit in judgment on the whole world. Who gave you this power to judge? Now, wait a minute your highness, or whatever you would like for us to call you - Are you really such an exemplary person? Are you perfect, are you better than anyone else? No. No, I'm not. You're so conventional, you Americans. Thinking one style of life is better than another? - We have so many ways. - Look, I know that I judged Marina too harshly, - but that doesn't give you the right - - The heart is stronger than the head. Remember. And everyone is capable to commit a passionate crime. And everyone deserves the compassion to start again. Amen to that. So how is your daughter, is she okay? - My daughter? - Marina. Marina is not my daughter. We are married twelve years. Marina is my wife! And she is in a hospital in Milano, and no thanks to your friendship. Everything looks here to be in order. My people will call you to conclude the business. Hey. Hey. So what did you all do? Nothing much. We just hung out. I'm glad you called me. I was... feeling pretty lonely. - Do you want one? - No thanks. Tina hired a lawyer, you know. Yeah, I heard. How did I let this get so f*cked up, Shane? - sh1t's not always in our control. - I used to think that it was. I learned early on that if you want to avoid that big mess that sucks and f*cks with your life..you just keep it simple. You mean like s*x with no emotional entanglements? Right. That's just me. I don't think that applies to you, you're a..very well-rounded individual. I don't know. I think... I just might like to study at your feet, Shane. Hey. Hey! Who's that? Oh hey! C'mon over and have a beer with us. Okay. Hello. Hey. We were just talking about s*x with no emotional entanglements. I like the sound of that. It's not for everyone. You know what? With the day that I've had, ..that sounds like that's for me. - Cheers. - Catching up on current events or something? Yes. These are all the local newspapers... ..with people advertising for roommates. I just put this ad in Craigslist, looking for a roommate. - I hope that I don't get a bunch of crazies. - So, you're looking for a roommate. Yeah. I don't even know... how to screen people, .. or what I should ask in rent. - Would they get their own room? - Yeah, yeah, it's like ... ..it's a two-bedroom house. We should talk. - Yeah? - Yeah. - Okay. - Why not, right? - Yeah! - Alright. Why are you laughing?
Lap Dance