When Robert decides to sell his mansion due to his divorce, Kevin suggests that he throw an office pool party, where Erin attempts to make Andy jealous by flirting with Dwight. Robert gives everyone a tour of his massive home, which increasingly makes everyone feel uncomfortable.
Dwight: Oh, ugh. [stands and looks at meatball in chair] What is this, a meatball? Really? [Stanley laughs] [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: It's always more fun to mess with Dwight with an audience. That was usually Pam so now that she's out I had to find someone else. Turns out that Stanley is quite the comedy fan. But not everything makes him laugh. He has very specific tastes. Through a painstaking process of trial and error, I've found out what he likes. And it's really weird. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Jim, come on! That's so juvenile! What the- [opens drawer full of meatballs] Stanley: You've been meatballed! [laughs] Dwight: Ugh. Stanley: Are you ready for some meatball? Dwight: Aw, man. [Stanley laughs] This is not very clever, Jim. Jim: I know. Stanley: Look for your stapler! Dwight: [Dwight finds stapler in giant meatball] Really Jim? Really? Very funny. [SCENE_BREAK] Stanley: [to Phyllis] Oh okay. Good night. [climbs in to Dwight's car] What's the haul? Dwight: Thirty-two meatballs. Stanley: Good day. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: That idiot's been feeding us for a week. Stanley: We'll never have to buy meatballs again. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: [phone rings] Dunder Mifflin. Jessica, hi! How are you? Oh yay, that's so great to hear. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: I'm not going to be one of those exes who can't move on. They have their life and I have mine. I'm taking an Italian class. So far I've learned tortellini, spagettini, linguini... Well it's not so much a class as a restaurant, but I do Monday, Wednesday, Friday from seven to nine. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: I will patch you through right now. You sound really pretty today. Okay. Andy: Jessica! I love you! That's a message from my mom. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: My parents met Jessica and they completely flipped for her so they gave me this old family ring to use on her. I know, whoa! Pump the breaks, Bernard, too early! I get it. I just, you know, I'm just carrying it around, seeing how it feels. I haven't proposed to anyone in years... Mom took the main diamond out, she thought that had more of a my little brother kind of vibe to it, but... [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [Robert is looking at pictures of a house online] Whoa, looks pretty nice. Got a little bit of a Shining vibe, though. Oscar: Oh, who needs a house that size? Dwight: Big. Stupid. Pure chump bait. Robert: I'm selling the house, actually. Jim: You know, there's a glare from over here... oh wow, that's magnificent. Robert: It's mid-recession in a depressed area of a faltering state and I've got the most expensive house on the market. The one percent are suffering too, people. I wanted it to be my Playboy mansion. A temple to wine, revelry, s*x, intrigue... this was hot on the heels of Eyes Wide Shut, mind you. Then I met my wife, she moved in, made it her own. Now she's left me and forced me to sell the place. The ultimate insult? They're calling my speakeasy lounge a rumpus room. [Jim laughs] Does my turmoil amuse you, Jim? Jim: I'm sorry, I thought you were making a joke. Robert: What could you possibly have found funny in what I said? What was the joke you thought you heard? Jim: I guess I thought you were approaching it with more of a sarcasm than misery. Kind of laughing at your own pain, sad clown thing. Robert: Oh yes. How hilarious it is to laugh at clowns, the painted jesters of the dying circus industry. Very funny, Jim. I get it. Andy: Um, I'm getting reports of a serious outbreak of the grumpies in here. Robert: A beautiful monster cost me my forties and my dream home. I think I'm entitled to the occasional bad day. Andy: Well, please tell Susan we all say hi. Kevin: Dude, what if, since you're feeling grumpy, we all swing by tonight and check out your indoor pool? [Robert laughs] Oscar: Kevin, no. Robert: What, as some sort of last hoorah? Kevin: Yeah. All of us in the pool, saying hoorah. Maybe the last one that says hoorah is it. Robert: You know I suppose someone should enjoy the place before I hand it over to the staging experts at Remax tomorrow. Let's try this: everyone, tonight, my house, wear a swimsuit. Let's just call it a get-together. And let's say no food. Kevin: Hey Oscar, was that you who just created a party out of thin air or was it me? Oscar: That was you, Kevin. Kevin: It was me. [SCENE_BREAK] Meredith: You going tonight, kiddo? Cause I can give you a lift. Erin: Oh, I don't know, Meredith. It seems like you shouldn't drive maybe ever. Meredith: It's no problem. You live right near me. Erin: How do you know where I live? Meredith: Andy followed you home after the Christmas party. Erin: Why? Meredith: He wanted to make sure California didn't put it in you. Erin: Oh. Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: Wow. Andy's such a weird stalker. Following me home like that when he has a girlfriend? I should get a restraining order. [squeaks] [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: [sticks a hand in the pool] Oh, it is warm. Cathy: It's almost too warm. Gabe: I'm feeling eighty-two, eighty-two and a half. Ryan: Oh, so close. Eighty-one. Gabe: [to Cathy] Well, we'll say its eight-two and it'll be our secret. Cathy: [to Jim] Hey, late guy. Jim: Hey. Wow. Just stopping by. Got another party to go to. A wife and two kids at home party. Andy: Oh. Jim: DJ Pam Halpert is spinning some serious Radio Disney tonight. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: You're looking at the master of leaving parties early. They key is, you have to make a strong impression, so you want to have a picture taken, you want to say some peculiar non sequitur that people remember, you want to note something unique, a talking point, for later. I don't mean to brag, but New Year's Eve, I was home by nine. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Robert, just wanted to grab you one second. This place is amazing, by the way. Robert: You should see the whole thing. Jim: I bet I should. [takes cell phone photo] That's beautiful, I'm going to email that to you. Robert: I'm just about to give the tour. Jim: All right- Robert: Join us. You must see what you were laughing about. Jim: I must... [SCENE_BREAK] Jessica: [looks at pool] Wow. Andy: [hides ring] Yeah, it's pretty serious poolage. Jessica: [sees Andy's hand in his pocket] What are you doing? Andy: Hmm? Flicking a bug off my wiener. [they both laugh] Jessica: Gross. I'm getting a drink. Do you want anything? Andy: No, I'm good. Erin: [runs to Andy] Funny how we can be surrounded by people and still feel so lonely. Hi. Andy: Hi. Erin: How is everything? How's your car? Andy: It's great. You know. Reliable. Great mileage. Erin: Is that so? How about this weekend we take that sucker to a duck pond or something? Maybe get caught in the rain? Andy: Well, I can't. I'm going skiing with Jessica. you know, a couple of dopes on the slopes. Erin: Oh, like a goodbye trip. Andy: No. What? Jessica: Hey. Erin: Hi. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: I guess Andy isn't totally over his current girlfriend. But, if he was jealous once before then maybe I can make him jealous again. Just not with Robert. He told me he was a ride I wouldn't survive, and I believe him. [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl: Val. You made it. Val: Yup, yup. Darryl: Uh oh, look at this. Red plastic cup, red plastic cup. How about that? Val: You know, you are just as dumb at night. Darryl: Mmm. [they clink cups] Andy: All right, theres- this would be no problem. I could swim under, one breath. Jessica: No, show me. Andy: Okay. Jessica: Dive in right here. Andy: In a minute. In a minute. Jessica: Okay. You don't know what you're doing. Andy: A minute would be cool. Erin: Hey, Dwight Snoot. Dwight: What- Erin: What you doing? Dwight: I'm relaxing. Scram. [pushes her] Erin: Ow. Andy: Hey, Stanley. Um, what happened to my pants? Stanley: I moved them. Pants only need a chair if there's a person in them. Andy: Where... [finds pants, looks for ring] Erin: Come on, don't you want to play? Dwight: Oh really? Erin: Yeah. Dwight: Yeah, you want to play you little hick? [kicks her in to the pool, Erin screams] Kevin: Whoa. Angela: Dwight! Oh my gosh! Dwight! [SCENE_BREAK] Robert: Here we have the parlor. I imagined people would set down their coats and symbolically their inhibitions. This was the gateway. You enter this room a lawyer, a doctor, a teacher, a judge, but beyond it you're simply a pen1s, a v*g1n*, hunger, ache. Susan used it as a Pilates studio. Oscar: [sees wine collection] Holy cow! Robert: Wine collection. Oscar: How many bottles? Three hundred? Robert: [laughs] About twelve hundred. What the hell, grab a bottle. Less inventory for the lawyers. Oscar: Toby! Chateau Margaux ninety-five. You know your wine. Toby: Well, and you have a... yes, a- d- another chateau. Ryan: Robert, you are too kind. Robert: Oh. Gabe: Too kind doesn't begin to cover it. Ryan: With ammunition like this we are in for quite a night, you and me. Gabe: And Gabe-y makes three. Jim: Robert, thank you. Thank you for this. Thank you for all this. This night's been magical. Robert: Jim, come see this next room. I think you especially would like it. Jim: Really? Why? Robert: I don't know. Maybe not. Just come. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: [Dwight dunks her] Oh! Dwight: [laughs] You regret attacking me now, hick? Huh? Erin: Stop it. Dwight, I was flirting with you. I was trying to use you to make Andy jealous. Dwight: I'm not going to help you. Why would you choose me? Because I'm mighty? Because I'm the manliest man in the office? I'll do it. [he picks her up] Erin: [giggles] Oh Dwight! [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: [giggles] Stop. Dwight: You stop. Erin: No, you stop. Dwight: No, you stop. Erin: [to camera] Is he looking? [shakes her head] Oh. You can stop. Dwight: Okay, you can stop. Erin: No, no, no, he's not looking. Dwight: No, you can stop. Erin: You can actually stop. Kelly: Whoa, you guys, I just found this insane engagement ring. Is anyone missing this? Meredith: The main stone's missing. Kelly: I don't know. It looks pretty great to me. [SCENE_BREAK] Robert: I pictured myself here every night eating a leg of mutton, the juices dripping down my bare chest, wiping my fingers on the walls. Then I met the vegan. Jim: Good night. Oscar: [raises wine bottle] To the kitchen! All: To the kitchen! Robert: To the kitchen. Onward! Oscar: Toby, what's compelling about this is the note of persimmon. Right? Toby: Note? It's a symphony. Oscar: Okay, you have to join my wine-tasting club. Toby: I would love that. [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: Toby, you are playing a dangerous game. Guess I'm through the gateway now, though, right? [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl: [to Val] You know, I don't think I've ever been in this exact angle before. I was scared at first, but I like it. Meredith: You guys got to try this pool. No top scum, no band-aids. This thing is choice. Val: You in? Darryl: Yeah, sure, sure. I'll be right in. [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl: I've been working out. But, the problem is, I've been building muscle underneath. And that top layer hasn't burned off yet. Awkward stage. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [he and Erin feed each other chips] Ah, mmm. So good. Now take a chip, crush it into my face, really rub the grease around. Do it. Now rub it in. Oh, yeah, that's so good. Ah... Erin: Andy's not even looking. I think sexy eating is a dead end. Dwight: Damn it. Erin: What is the most romantic possible thing? Dwight: We can get some chicken fights going in the pool. Erin: Dwight, that's just- that's really perfect. Thank you. Both: Yes! [they high five and jump in the pool] Angela: You're in my way! Erin: Andy, Dwight and I challenge you and Jess to a chicken fight. Winner take all. Dwight: Chicken fight! Andy: No thanks. Erin: Dang it! What the heck already? Dwight: Hey, Cathy. Chicken fight! Cathy: Okay, yeah. Who's going to be my partner? Where's Jim? Kevin: I'm right here! [gets in pool] Cold. Cold. Come on, Cath. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Yeah- oh! Erin: [knocks Cathy off Kevin's shoulders] Yes! Woo! Dwight: Woohoo! Yes! Erin: Dwight, our chemistry is really clicking. We work so well together. Dwight: I know. I could just bang you right now. Erin: He's not looking. [Dwight dumps her in the pool] Hey! [SCENE_BREAK] Robert: I had two bears sewn together to make this king-size. Total waste of two bears. Jim: To both these bears. Ryan: To both these bears. Toby: Bears. Oscar: To both these bears. [SCENE_BREAK] Robert: When I put in the screening room, I bought three movies: Caligula, Last Tango in Paris, and Emmanuelle 2. Last two movies I actually watched in here Marley and Me and On Golden [bleep] Pond. Ryan: I mean, it's clearly meant for watching erotic cinema. Gabe: Yup. We could watch some right now if you want. I got a Korean film on my iPod if you want to just- if you have the cables. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Kelly, that's a crazy ring you found. Kelly: Yeah, thanks. I'm really glad I found it. Andy: I can't believe you're wearing it. Are you not superstitious at all? Kelly: Shh. Of course I'm superstitious. What are you talking about? Andy: The ring of a failed marriage might have some sinister energy, right? Am I just being silly? Phyllis: Oh, I don't think you're being silly. Kelly: Oh God. [takes off ring] Andy: You know what, I can just sell it and put the money in the party fund. Phyllis: [snatches ring] Then another woman will get it. We can't allow that. We have to destroy it. Jessica: [to Andy] Come on. Let's chicken fight those two. Val: [comes up from under water] How was that? Kevin: Okay. Watch my toes. [does hand stand] Darryl: Hey Val. Want a beer? It might taste better than that pool water you've been drinking. Val: No, I'm good. Thank you. Darryl: Cool. Val: Cool. [to Kevin] Does Darryl not swim? Kevin: That's racist! I don't know. But I would say, by looking at him, no, Darryl does not swim. [SCENE_BREAK] Jessica: [knocks Erin off Dwight's shoulders] Yes! Andy: Yeah! Dwight: [to Erin] Maybe we should take a little break. Erin: Dwight, we've got this. I promise. I will not leave your shoulders, no matter what. Dwight: Okay. Erin: One more? Andy: Yeah! Jessica: Yeah! Great! [others cheer and clap] Erin: Mush, mush, mush! Come on! Dwight: Go! Erin: Go! Okay. Yeah. Jessica: Here we go! [knocks Erin over] Yes! Andy: Yay! [Erin comes back up] Whoa! Kevin: Wow! Andy: I cannot believe you're still up! Jessica: I cannot believe it either. Erin: I've got this! [Dwight gasps] Charge! Go! Go! [Dwight sinks] Andy: [muffled] Dwight are you okay? Hey, damn it- [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [coughs up water] Erin, did we win? Erin: Sure. Sure we did. Dwight: You're lying. We didn't win. Erin: Hey, hey, hey Dwight. It's okay. Just rest. Just rest. [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: You've broken up your last couple, you evil ring. Do it. [Meredith sets fire to paper ring boat] Angela: We're in the pool! Meredith: Shut it, Angela. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Ugh. Same old party, same old people. Am I right? Reminds me of Phyllis's birthday. Andy: Ooh, do not remind me of Phyllis's birthday. Dwight: I know. [laughs] But boy, that Erin. She sure is a ripe little tiger, isn't she? Rroww! And to think, I always thought of her as a second Meredith. Respectfully, I don't want us walking into a similar Angela kind of situation. Andy: Mmm. Dwight: So I just want to make sure that you are completely, one hundred percent done with Erin. Andy: Last I checked, I'm with Jessica. And I like to get my monog on. It's monogamy for my hog 'n me. Dwight: Not what I asked. Andy: We're done. Erin and I are over. Dwight: So then you won't mind if tonight I just go crazy on her, just go nuts, rrargh. With s*x. Andy: Have at it. Or take it slow. Whatever you guys work out. Dwight: [sighs] You're an idiot. Kevin: Kelly, that is mine! This is mine! [Val, Erin and Kevin play with pool noodles] Erin: Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Kevin: No! Val: Oh I've got him! Darryl: Cannonball! [jumps in pool] Let's do this! [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: [Erin swims up with ring] Wow. Erin: So I kind of stepped on this. I think it's yours. Andy: Yeah. Oh wow. How did you know it was mine? Erin: The Bernard family seal. Duh. Andy: Duh. Erin: Sorry if your special night was ruined. Andy: Oh, whoa. Whoa, no, it's not a special night. Erin: Oh, you weren't going to do that? Andy: Honestly Erin, I don't know what I'm doing. I... I just... I don't know. Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: Andy's confused. That's not what I was hoping for, but it's not so bad either. I can live with confused. I get confused. I totally get confused. [SCENE_BREAK] Robert: And of course, the pool. The ultimate lubricant for any wild evening. It was here that my parties would have crescendoed into true madness. Jim: To madness. Ryan: To madness. Toby: To madness. [Robert laughs] Meredith: To madness. Jim: Hey, um, I think you parked my car in. Is there any way you can move your van? Meredith: Oh, I'm sorry. When I got here, I put my keys in a bowl. Jim: Are you serious? Ryan: Robert, I want you to know, I'm here to rock with you as late as you want, man. Gabe: And that goes double for me. I'll stay even later than you'd like. Oscar: [Toby pours wine into Oscar's mouth] Toby! I am Bacchus, god of wine! Toby: And I am Bacchus's friend! Robert: Gentlemen, bear witness. While I've been mourning the nights that never were, one of them has been unfolding here before me. This is no get-together. This is a party. [Robert strips, jumps in pool, Gabe and Ryan join him] All: Yes! Woohoo! Bravo! Jim: And there's my talking point. [SCENE_BREAK] Robert: Yes, that's it. Push yourselves, boys. It's not a party if you don't do something that scares you. I need a breather. Oh. Oh. You two keep going. Ryan: Hey, he's asleep. We can just leave. Gabe: So leave.
Pool Party