When Barney and Abby realize that they have one thing in common - their mutual hatred of Ted - the "couple" decides to go to the bar to flaunt their new relationship in Ted's face.
Ted from 2030: Kids, in the spring of 2008 something kind of strange have been happening to your uncle Barney. He's been doing great with a woman. At the Bar Barney: So I threw the pressure air oxygen into its mouth. I shoot the tank, boo, nomore shark. Mr. Hall and I swam back to shore. Hey,let me serve you a drink. Ted from 2030: He's only been gone a few moments but when he return... Barney: So where were we? Ted from 2030:...he gets slap! It kept happening... (The woman slaps him.) Woman: Jerk! [FLASHBACK] A woman slaps Barney, at a pet shop, then at the museum, and at the hardware store. [END OF FLASHBACK] Ted from 2030: Until finally Lily was approached by a mysterious woman who wants her stay away from Barney...so when it happened once more... Barney: Again? Really? Wait... Ted from 2030: Barney knew who to look for... Barney: Hey, excuse me. Did I sleep with you and then totally screw you over? Woman: No. Barney: What are you doing on Friday? (He runs after another woman, who just climbed into a cab.) Barney: Stop! Amy? Abby: Abby. Barney: Riiiggghhhttt!!! [OPENING CREDITS] Ted from 2030: Kids, sometimes you can do something right a thousand times in a row... In Lily's class Lily: A rainbow! That's beautiful! What a beautiful rainbow! Another rainbow? It's beautiful! Ted from 2030: But then, that thousand-and-first time... Lily: You're kidding me. Seriously, aren't you sick of these things? At the appartment Ted: Hey, how was your day? Lily: Today, I yelled at a little girl for painting a rainbow. Ted: A rainbow? Sounds like that bitch had it coming. (Marshall arrives) Marshall: So, uh, I just met with the contractor. and it turns out, that fixing the floors of the new apartment is going to cost a lot more than the estimate. Lily: But we can barely afford that to begin with. Marshall: I hate to say this, but I think you're going to have to sell your stuff. Lily: Whoa! Marshall, that's just a game we play in the bedroom. Marshall: I mean your clothes. All those designer pieces and everything. Lily: What? Why just my clothes? Marshall: We can sell my stuff, too, but I got to tell you, I think your Marc Jacobs cocktail dress is going to go for a lot more than my "Split Happens" bowling shirt. Ted: Dude. Marshall: I'm not selling that. I've already made the Website. Lily: You made a Website? Marshall: Yeah, it's called "Lily-and-Marshall-sell- their-stuff-dot-com." Lily: No, you know what would be a better name for the site? Guy-forces-his-wife- to-dress-in-a-garbage-bag- for-the-next- three-years-dot-com. That's real. Marshall: I'm worried. That woman is actually wearing a-a garbage bag. Lily: Hmm, but, girlfriend, you cannot pull off a tall kitchen. In the cab Barney: Why are you trying to ruin my life? Abby: Well, you slept with me and then you never called me again. Barney: And? Abby: That's it. Barney: That's it? As far as I'm concerned, if I leave you safe on dry land with adequate transportation home, you've got nothing to complain about. Abby: Well, it hurt, okay? And then Ted, the love of my life started dating my boss instead of me. Do you know how that feels? Barney: Oh, boo-hoo, poor little Ashley. Abby: Abby! Barney: Abby. A few weeks ago, Ted dumped me as his wingman. You had a crush on him for a couple weeks? I was Ted's best friend for seven years. Abby: Ted said Marshall was his best friend. Barney: Seven years! Abby: Sorry. Barney: Ted. What an idiot. With his stupid "meaningful relationship" with Stella. Abby: I hate Ted. Barney: I hate Ted more. Abby: Are you as turned on as I am? Barney: Probably not quite as much. (Later, they are both in bed...) Abby: I'm sorry I yelled out "Ted." Barney: I'm sorry I yelled out "Abby." Abby: I am Abby. Barney: Oh, cool. At the apartment Ted: This is insane. Has Lily even worn half this stuff? Robin: Oh, yeah, like there's nothing in your closet you've never worn? Ted: As a matter of fact, no, there isn't. Robin: Whatever, red cowboy boots. Ted: Those are nice boots. I totally pull those off. Marshall: Hey, Lil, if I were to say "Ted could never pull them off," What would I be talking about? Robin: His red cowboy boots. Ted: I totally pull them off! It's a classic Western look. Marshall: Oh, okay, uh, today's category: classic Westerns that involve red cowboy boots. Ooh, ooh! Robin. Robin: "The Good, the Bad, and the Fabulous." Lily: "The Magnificent Kevin." Marshall: "No Country for Straight Men." Lily: I don't want to sell my clothes! Robin: Oh, I know, sweetie. Come here. Is this a hundred percent silk? Marshall: Lily,listen, we really need the money. I have some leads on a job, but until then, I just... I don't know what else we can do. Lily: I'll sell my paintings! Marshall: What? Lily: Yeah, I'll sell my paintings. Good oil paintings go for like, $500. Marshall: Yeah. Totally. But... Ted from 2030: Kids, sometimes you can do something right a thousand times in a row... [FLASHBACK] Lily shows her paintings to Marshall) Marshall: I love it. It's a masterpiece. That's it. We're selling the TV. I just want to come home and stare at this all day. Aw. Somebody call the cops! My wife stole an awesome painting from the museum! [END OF FLASHBACK] Ted from 2030: But then, that thousand-and-first time... Marshall:...that kind of money only goes for real paintings. Lily: What does that mean? Marshall: Look, it just, it just means that-that we need money right now and I'm not sure that selling your paintings is-is how we're going to get it. Lily: You don't believe in me. Marshall: No, wait, wait! Of c... of course I believe in you! Lily: Marshall, I am proud of my work as an artist. My paintings are good. I bet Robin would buy one. What now? Marshall: I love your painting, I just... I'm trying to be realistic. Lily: Well, how much money do we need for the contractor to finish the job? Marshall: About 1,500 bucks. Lily: Okay. So, if I can sell three of my paintings at 500 bucks a pop, then I get to keep all my clothes. Marshall: Babe, we need money fast. Lily: Well, give me a week. Marshall: Okay, a-a week. Lily: Fine. Marshall: Fine. (Ted comes out of his room, with the red boots on.) Ted: Pulling... Them... Off. Ted from 2030: Lily's first move on a great art challenge of 2008 was to display one of her favorite paintings at her friend's gallery. The night didn't go so well. But then at the last minute... Woman: I love it. Lily: You do? Woman: Yeah, your top. It's gorgeous. Is that 100% silk? Lily: It's not for sale! My clothes are not for sale! Ted from 2030: So the next day, Lily took her painting to a coffee house that displayed local artists. Lily: We've been sitting here for hours and nobody's even glanced at my painting. Come on. Let's start talking it up. Robin: Wow! I really like that painting! It's neat! The-the colors are neat. The-the shapes are neat. It's really just... neat. What? Ted: Observe. I think there's a dynamic quality to the brushwork that, combined with the fluid composition, creates an almost Kandinsky-like emotional resonance. Robin: Yes, and you can still enjoy it even if you're not a pretentious douche. Ted: Can you clarify something for me about your critique? Are the colors "neat" or are they more "neato burrito?" Robin: Uh, then again, red cowboy boots. Ted: I pull these off! (Everyone is laughing at him) I pull these off! In bed... Abby: You know what I hate most about Ted? Barney: What? Abby: His stupid hair. His stupid, lame awesome hair. It's so stupid and awesome. Barney: You know what I hate most about Ted? Abby: What? Barney: How he's always like, "Oh, I want to fall in love and have a relationship. I care about the people I have s*x with." He's so lame. Abby: He's so lame and awesome. Barney: You know what he needs? He needs to see just how horrible he is when he's in a relationship. Abby: Yeah, and I need to show Ted that I'm over him. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Barney: I think so. Abby: You're thinking of having s*x with Ted? Ted from 2030: After four days without selling a single painting, Lily was getting desperate. In the street Lily: Painting for sale! $500! Lifelong dream hanging in the balance! It's like they don't even see us. Man: Yeah, we're dirt to them. What do you need money for? Lily: Oh, I'm trying to fix the hardwood floors in my new apartment. You? Man: Heroin. Lily: Do you like heroin? Man: Love it. In fact, if you sell that, I'm going to take your money and go buy some more heroin. Lily: Thanks for your honesty, Crazy Sock Guy. Oh, I'm never gonna sell this... Man: It's not very good. Ted from 2030: And just as she was about to lose all hope, something amazing happened. Man: 2 Oh, my God! At the Bar (Lily arrives) Lily: 500 bucks! Who's a real painter now, Marshall? Marshall: Honey, I never said you weren't a real painter. Lily: Oh, I know, sweetie. And since I'm a professional artist now, I'm going to sketch you an Aldrin original, you know, to say thanks for being such a supportive husband. I'm thinking about calling it... "Suck It!" Marshall: Lily, come on. I'm proud of you. Who-who bought it? Lily: Well, that's the best part. A gay couple without kids. A G-CWOK! Ted: You bagged a G-CWOK?! Lily: Yeah, that's right. They are the heart and soul of the art-buying community. Ted: You know what you should do? You should call up the G-CWOKs and offer them a free painting if they throw a private art party for all their G-CWOK friends. Lily: That's an amazing idea. I'm going to go call them. I can probably sell two more paintings with time to spare. Oh, wait, Marshall. There was something I had to tell you. What was it? Oh, that's right. Suck it. [SCENE_BREAK] (Barney and Abby arrives as Lily is leaving) Barney: Ted, fancy bumping into you here. Have you guys met my girlfriend Abby? Ted: Uh, yeah. Barney: Hi, Abby. Ted: Hello, Abby. So, uh, s-so you guys are dating now? Barney: That's right. I am done with this whole being awesome thing. Now I'm all about farmers' markets and day hikes in matching khaki cargo shorts. Isn't that right, sweetie? Abby: That's right. And girlfriends are lame. Unless they're me. I miss you, Ted. Barney: Abby and I are in love. Not hot passionate love. Couple love. You know, movie night with my girlfriend, then waiting for her to go to bed so I can steal one pitiful moment of hollow ecstasy by the cold, blue light of my computer monitor. Abby: We're showing Ted how lame he is. Barney: You don't have to say it, though. Ted: Uh, okay, Barney, you can stop. Barney: Stop what, Ted? Stop being in love? Next he'll ask us to stop breathing. Abby: We can't stop breathing, Ted. Your hair looks amazing. Ted: Um, Barney, I, I see what you're doing. Please stop. Barney: Not before I share with you what being in a relationship leads to, Ted. Abby, Pookie Bear... I am so pathetically desperate for you that... aw, heck, I'll just say it. Would you marry me? Abby: Wait, really? Barney: I would never joke about true love. Abby: Yes, I'll marry you. Barney: Okay. Abby: Thank you, thank you. I have to call my mom. Barney: That's you. Ted: Uh, yeah, I don't think Abby knows you're kidding. Barney: Uh, yes, she does. Abby: It finally happened, Mama. I just wish Daddy were alive to walk me down the aisle. Barney: Totally committed to the bit. Lily's on the phone Lily: Yes, Lily Aldrin. I sold you the painting earlier today. Man 2: Oh, honey, hello. Lily: You sound happy. Man 2: Are you kidding? We're popping the champagne right now. Lily: Well, I just wanted to offer you an exclusive chance to view some of my other paintings. Man 2: Oh, honey, oh, sweetie, oh, I guess I should have told you. We just bought that for the frame. Lily: What? Man 2: Yeah, it's an original Anton Kreutzer, a very rare frame from the turn of the century. Lily: So... y-you didn't like my painting? Man 2: Oh, honey, oh, sweetie, no, not at all. But you know, good for you. Lily: Okay. Well, if you didn't want the painting, can I... can I at least get it back? Man 2: Yeah, no, we don't have it anymore. Lily: Where is it? I see. H-He threw out my painting. Man 2: Champagne for everyone on me, the happiest guy in the world. At the apartment Lily: This is great. My dream of becoming an artist is dead, and now I'm watching my wardrobe disappear piece by piece. There goes my favorite dress. This dress meant a lot to me. Robin: Really? Lily: Yeah. It was spring of 2004 and I had been having a hard few months. [FLSHBACK] Lily is walking up the street, a man looks at her. Man: Da-amn. [END OF FLASHBACK] Lily: I got a two-syllable "damn" in this dress. Robin: A two-syllable "damn." That's the dream. Lily: Yeah. Now she belongs to... CanadaGirl(a)MetroNewsOne.com. Robin: It's still in the family. (Marshall and Ted arrive) Marshall: Lily, you're not going to believe this. Something amazing happened. Lily: What? Marshall: I went to the G-CWOK's apartment. Lily: Really? Why? Marshall: Because I felt guilty. This auction was my idea and now you've had to sit around all day while a bunch of vultures ruthlessly pick apart the carcass of your wardrobe. Robin: It's still in the family. Marshall: And more importantly, I honestly love that painting and I couldn't stand to think of it in a trashcan someplace. Lily: Well, what happened? [FLASHBACK] Marshall and Ted arrive at the G-CWOK's apartment. Man 2: Well, hello. Marshall: Hi, um... Lawrence. I-I'm here about the painting my wife Lily solyou-- the one in the nice frame. Lawrence: Talk about a nice frame. My, my, you are a big one, aren't you? And you're married to that little bit of a thing. How does that work? I'd like to find out. [END OF FLASHBACK] Lily: Yeah, we get it. Gay guys like you. Marshall: No, Lily, they love me, but that's not the important part. Ted: Here's the important part. [FLASHBACK] Ted: Since you're clearly a man of impeccable taste and style, I-I came down here to ask you: what do you think of the boots? Lawrence: Walter. Boots. Walter: Pulling... Them.... Off. Ted: I'll be in the cab. [END OF FLASHBACK] Ted: G-CWOK-approved. Lily: The painting! Marshall: Right, so, um, they told me they threw it in the building's Dumpster. [FLASHBACK] Marshall: It wasn't in there, but the super told me that he'd seen one Dr. Greer-- a veterinarian who works in the building-- take the painting out of the trash. [END OF FLASHBACK] Lily: Dr. Greer? Who's Dr. Greer a-and why did he take my painting? Marshall: You're about to find out. At the vet Dr Greer: I had to make a trash run. Been a busy day-- lots of neuterings. Lily: Ooh, we don't need the details. Dr Greer: Oh, n-n-no, it's not what you think. Oh, thank God. Yeah, yeah, yeah, mostly just dog testicles. [FLASHBACK] Dr Greer: Anyway... I noticed your painting just sitting right there on top and I thought, "Hey,free painting," so I brought it upstairs and hung it up in Exam Room 3, and then the strangest thing happened. Hey, Muffin. Whoa, I think he remembers me from the last time he was here. Take Muffin to Exam Room 3. I'll meet you there. I went in, expecting the worst. I'd never seen Muffin that calm, and then a little later the same thing happened again with Tidbit... and King Larry... and again with the Weinstein triplets. [END OF FLASHBACK] Dr Greer: Something about your art speaks to the canine sensibility on a very primal level. Lily: Really? Dogs like my paintings? Dr Greer: Yeah. But you know who it bums out? Birds. Yeah. Had a parrot in there today. He took one look at it, pried open his cage, flew right into the ceiling fan. Marshall: Anyway, because your first painting worked so well, I convinced Dr. Greer to buy four more. Lily: Really? Marshall: Mm-hmm, at $500 a piece. Lily: That's two grand. That's more than we need for the contractor. Marshall: Yeah, but I was actually thinking we could reinvest it. Lily: In what? Marshall: In you. At the apartment Ted from 2030: Marshall explained that he was building a fancy new Web site specifically to sell Lily's artwork to veterinarians. Lily: Well, it's not exactly the clientele I had in mind, but... thank you for believing in me. (They kiss; a bird crashes into their window) Marshall: Man, birds do not get you. At Abby's Abby: Hi, sweetie. Barney: Hey, I think I left my tie here. Have you seen it? Abby: No, I'm in wedding-planning mode. Stressville. Population: me. Okay, big decision. What do you think the cake should be: Fudgie the Whale or Cookie Puss? Barney: Yeah, that was a bit. We were doing a bit. Abby: So I'm thinking Labor Day. I was going to say Fourth of July, but I don't want to steal any attention away from America. Barney: Abby, I've... I've got some bad news. I can't marry you. Abby: What? Barney: Ted begged me not to. I think he's in love with you. Abby: Really? Barney: Yes, our plan worked better than we ever dreamed. You have to go to him. Here's his home address. But you know what? He works late, so I wouldn't go before 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning. Abby: Oh, my God, thank you. But now I feel wrong keeping this. Barney: Oh, yeah, I wouldn't worry about that. That's made of candy. Later. Marshall: Hey, go to lilyandmarshallselltheirstuff.com or charityfolks.com. Lily: We're having an auction to rise money for the children's hospital of Los Angeles Marshall: You could get tons of cool stuff on the sell and they all use for great cause. Lily & Marshall: Thanks.
Everything Must Go