Blake's son Willy witnesses a murder and it's up to detective Chance Briggs to save the day and also have a lot of sex.
Narrator: Previously, on "Childrens Hospital"... Blake: Dori, that was a little intimate. Dori: Oh, I don't think I'll get pregnant from that. Blake: Let me guess. You're pregnant. Dori: Yeah. I'm sorry. Sy: We are going to oversee the opening of a clinic on a U.S. army base in Japan. Owen: No! Dori: What? That is so complicated. Glenn: Do you remember Detective Chance Briggs, Owen's former partner on the police force? Cat: Uh, I think so. What, he has brown hair and a mustache? Briggs: Anybody up for a mustache contest? I win. Cat: What about him? Glenn: I don't know. Just something to keep in mind, I guess. [ Mid-tempo music plays ] 5.02 - Triangles Sal: Attention! Staff, that is all. Owen: Hey, Dori. Where you headed? Dori: Oh, I'm taking Willy into the city. He's never had soup noodles. Owen: Oh. Well, Osaka is a very dangerous town. I could be your escort. Who knows? We might even enjoy each other's company. I've been told I make a pretty great escort, like the Ford Motor Corporation. Dori: The Escort was discontinued in 2003. Owen: Right. Got me good. [ Chuckles ] You are so smart. Dori: Blake! Um, I'm taking our son into the city. Did you get my e-mail? Blake: Uh, I don't know. I don't really open e-mails from people like you. I mean, I'm a doctor. You get it. Dori: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Owen: Love those bangs. Dori: Oh. Blake: Hey, listen. Um, here's 30,000 yen. I mean, buy him a taco or something, okay. Willy: Want to come into the city with us, Mr. Dad? Blake: Well, I would, because we're technically family, but, I mean, you get it. Dori: Come on, honey. Blake: Hmm. Na. [ Indistinct conversations ] Willy: I have to pee. Dori: Sounds like someone has to go pee. Let's go. Willy: I can go by myself. Dori: Okay, honey. Just be careful. And remember to tap your pee-pee! Willy: I pre-tapped it! Dori: Okay. Willy: [ Whistling ] [ Door opens ] [ Men arguing in Japanese ] [ Gasps ] Dori: But, officer... Dori: I'm sorry. I don't understand what you're saying. Engel: Maybe I can be of some assistance here. My name is Detective Chuck Engel. My partner and I are here as part of an international cop exchange program. Dori: Partner? I don't see any partner. Briggs: That's because you weren't looking in this direction. If we're gonna catch those mean man, we need to know exactly what you saw. Willy: [ Gulps ] Briggs: My word. That's urine. Pure. Son, those men... are they the murderers or are you just peeing in your pants because you pee in your pants? Willy: I've had a lot of sports drinks today, but in this case, murderers. [ Beep ] [ Telephone rings ] Kaiju: Police Chief Kaiju. Briggs: Chief Kaiju. It's Briggs. I know who did it. It's Gojira and Mosura. The kid took one look at 'em and peed in his pants. Kaiju: Uh, did my name come up? Briggs: No. Why? Kaiju: I just want to make sure I wasn't under suspicion in any way. Briggs: No. Like, why would you even ask that? Kaiju: Forget I mentioned it. Hey, Briggs someone's at the door. Will you hold on a sec? [ Dialing ] [ Ringing ] [ Cellphone rings ] [ Speaking Japanese ] Kaiju: Briggs, I'm back. Wrong number. Briggs: Chief, while I was on hold with you, Gojira and Mosura got a phone call and then ran off. Briggs: Kinda weird, huh? Kaiju: Yes and no. What about you, Briggs? Where do you live? What's your exact address? Briggs: I live at 465 Lick My Butthole Lane. Get your stuff! We're getting out of here now! Engel: Wait! Damn it, Briggs! What the hell is going on? Briggs: I need to disappear. Watch your back, partner. Engel: Wait, did you say, "Watch your black partner?" How am I suppose to respond to that? Briggs: No, I said, "Watch your back, partner," although I can definitely see how it sounded like "black" to you. Engel: No, that's a funny misunderstanding. Especially considering you do have a black partner. Briggs: Right. Absolutely. [ Chuckles ] Engel: I don't think I can operate without you, Briggs. Briggs: Try, Engel. Engel: No, I'm serious... Briggs: I said try, Engel. Come on. Owen: Dori! You're back! I was worried sick about you! Briggs: Don't worry. She's safe in my capable yet calloused hands. Owen: Detective Chance Briggs. You plus-sized woman's panty set! What's my old partner doing here? [ Both chuckle ] Briggs: Put 'er there. Dori: You guys were cops together? Owen: Yeah, and we went to the same college. Who would have thought a couple of Oberlin grads would end up carrying badges? So what are you doing here, old boy? Briggs: Well, let's just say that I need a place to hide. Both: "That I need a place to hide." Owen: But surely you can't be serious. Briggs: I am serious... And don't ever question my seriousness. Dori: Please, Dr. Maestro. If they find Willy, they'll kill him, too. Briggs: What do you say, old friend? Help us out? Owen: Well, you're gonna need a disguise. Come with me. Congratulations, Private Briggs! You're in the United States army now. Briggs: All right. [SCENE_BREAK] Kaiju: Where's Briggs? 'Cause there's no such place as 465 Lick My Butthole Lane. Lick My Butthole Lane ends at 426 then skips right to the 700s after Central Boulevard. It's a sham address. Engel: Look, I told you. He didn't tell me anything. Kaiju: Watch your back. Engel: Did you say, "Watch your black"? What's that supposed to mean? Kaiju: I said, "back." I've just got kind of a wonky accent, so it sounded like I said "black", but I said "back." Engel: I gotcha. I gotcha. [ Radio tuning ] [ Slow music plays ] [ Door opens ] Dori: Hi. Briggs: Hi. Dori: I brought you a piece of pie and some Doritos and two slices of watermelon. Briggs: Triangle-shaped foods. My favorite. Dori: Thank you, Detective Briggs, for all that you've done for us. Folks usually aren't so nice to me and Willy. Broadcaster: Here's an oldie for all you lovers out there. Dori: Oh, I love this song! I watched Owen lose his virginity to this song at Oberlin. Dori: Cool. Briggs: Can you just keep it down for a second? Dori: Yeah. Sorry. Sorry. Briggs: Would you to care to dance, my lady? Dori: I would love to. Briggs: Can you feel it? My erection? Dori: I haven't had a man in so long. Take me! Take all of me! Briggs: Chance Briggs! Dori: Yeah! Chance! Briggs: Shh! Dori: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Briggs: Chance Briggs! Sal: Attention staff, Chance Briggs. That is all. [ Ringing ] Kaiju: Moshi moshi. Owen: Yes, I have some information on the whereabouts of Detective Chance Briggs that you may be very interested in. Willy: Mommy, I heard weird noises last night. Is everything okay? Briggs: Your mom and I were making love, son. Willy: What does "making love" mean? Dori: Umm, it's... it's kind of hard to explain, honey. Briggs: Our bodies fit together like puzzle pieces. Dori: You know when mommy tries to put a Pringles can down the disposal? Willy: I don't understand. Briggs: It's like when a man puts his pen1s inside a woman's v*g1n* a bunch of times in a row. Willy: You did that to my mommy? Briggs: Damn right I did. Willy: Wow. I regret asking. [ Grunts ] Dori: [ Screams ] Briggs: Owen! Dori: No, no, no! Owen: What the heck was that all about? Dori: The killers found Briggs! You have to help him, please! Owen: Oh, you're trembling. You look so cold. Dori: I'm so scared! Oh, thank you so much. Okay. Owen: This feels so right, doesn't it? Dori: What? Oh, no, no, no, no, no! Owen: Hey, guys. Guys, wait up! Look, Mosura, I just talked to Chief Kaiju, and he needs to talk to you right away. So I'll watch the prisoner. Owen: He's at 465 Lick My Butthole Lane. Hai! Briggs: Whew. Got ourselves out of another jam, huh, partner? Owen: Yeah. Dori: [ Screaming ] Briggs: Oh, wait. No, this is still going. Engel: No, you're not! Briggs: Don't worry. You did really great, for a black guy. Engel: What'd you say? Forget about it. I just heard you wrong. Dori: [ Chuckles ] Willy: Mommy! Help me! Dori: Oh, right. My son, this whole thing. Kaiju: I'm gonna kill him! Blake: No, you're not! Let him go. Kaiju: Why should I? Blake: Because he's the only family I've got. [ Gunshot ] Briggs: Well, I guess I should be going now. You're not going anywhere, Briggs. You're in the army now. We're shipping out to Kandahar. Briggs: But I was just hiding! We're all hiding from something, private. ♪ Get me out of this place ♪ ♪ I am a man ♪ ♪ get this blood off my face ♪ ♪ let me live again ♪ ♪ na na-na na ♪ ♪ na-na na na-na na na na ♪ ♪ na na-na na ♪ ♪ na na-na na na-na na ♪ ♪ na-na na na naaaaaaa ♪ ♪ na na-na na na-na na ♪ ♪ na-na na na na ♪ ♪ na na-na na ♪ ♪ na na-na na na-na na ♪ ♪ na-na na na naaaaaa ♪ ♪ na na-na na ♪ ♪ na-na na na-na na na na ♪ Sal: Attention, staff. If you are under 30, "witness" came out before you were born. That is all.
Triangles