Frasier is very excited about the prospect of being elected "Corkmaster" of his local wine club, which he has asked Niles to nominate him for. However, Mel manipulatively persuades Niles to run against his brother for the position. At the meeting, the vote is tied and, a wine-tasting tiebreaker overseen by the outgoing corkmaster ( Anthony Heald ) sees Niles narrowly win. Frasier is gracious in defeat, until he discovers that Mel provided the impetus for Niles' decision to stand. Meanwhile, Martin has embarked on an affair with Claire Wojadubakowski, an old friend whose husband Stan was buried a few weeks before. As Martin and Stan were close, he is feeling guilty over this, and endeavors to conceal the fact from Frasier.
Act One. Scene One - Café Nervosa. Martin is having a coffee with a woman of about his age, Clare Wojadubakowski. They seem to be nervous. Clare: How's your coffee? Martin: Good, good. Yours? Clare: Very nice. Martin: That's good. Clare: [then] Marty, we have no reason to be uncomfortable. We're two consenting adults. Martin: What about your husband? He never consented! Clare: Stan loved you Martin, and he loved me. If anything, he's up in heaven right now, watching us and smiling. Martin: You don't think he was watching the whole time, do you? Clare: Not if heaven gets ESPN! [they laugh] Now, stop feeling guilty. Martin: Okay. Frasier enters and notices them. Frasier: Oh, Dad. Martin: [worried] Oh, Fras'. You remember Clare Wojadubakowski? Frasier: Yes, of course, hello, Mrs. Wojadubakowski, good to see you again. Gosh, I'm sorry again about your loss. Clare: Thank you. Frasier: He was a good man, your husband. [Martin's guilt starts] Dad's often said if it weren't for Stan, he wouldn't have made it through the academy, isn't that right? Martin: [guilty] That's right. Frasier: Didn't he lend you the money for your first car? Martin: Yeah, he did. Frasier: Oh course, we all owe him for introducing Dad to Mom. Martin: Oh, God! Clare: You know, Marty, I think we better go. Frasier: Of course, well, Clare it's lovely seeing you again. Em, please give my regards to your son, Martin. Martin: Oh, God! Martin and Clare leave as Roz arrives and sits with Frasier at the table that guilty pair just left. Frasier: Oh hi, Roz. Why don't you join me? Roz: Well, aren't you here with Niles? Frasier: No, actually I haven't been seeing much of Niles lately. He spends all his time with Mel. Roz: Well, that's what happens at the beginning of relationships. [to waiter] Can I have a decaf latte, please? Frasier: [to waiter] Yes, and I'll have my usual, thank you. [waiter leaves] Yes, I do hope he hasn't forgotten me completely. We have wine club tonight, I'm sort of counting on him to help me become "corkmaster." Roz: But you'll still keep your secret identity as Frasier Crane, right? Frasier: Corkmaster's the most prestigious position in our club. If elected, I plan to have vertical tastings and guest speakers, perhaps even a trip to Portugal where some of the world's finest corks come from. Roz: I wish I had a cork right now! Frasier: Very funny, Roz. You know what, I do hope Niles shows up. You know, Mel has a way of making him change his mind at the last minute. You know, I think she's a bit manipulative. Roz: Based on what? Frasier: Oh, I don't know, I've a feeling. Roz: So you really don't know her that well. Frasier: That's true. You know, I really haven't given her much of a chance, I suppose. I suppose I could put together a little get-to-know-you event, a Sunday brunch perhaps? Roz: There you go. Frasier: Yes, it's a good idea, Roz. Of course, I don't want to make it seem like she's under the family microscope. You know, maybe you could come along. Roz: I guess I could. Frasier: Great. Roz: Oh, and by Sunday you'll be Corkman. Frasier: Cork-MASTER, thank you, Roz. [laughs] Actually, I won't know until after the election tonight. But you know, I'll let you know. Roz: Or I could just look up into the sky for the cork signal! Frasier: Very amusing, Roz. Roz: If you win, I'd love a ride in the cork-mobile. Frasier: All right, Roz! [SCENE_BREAK] DOESN'T EVERYONE HAVE A FIREPLACE IN HIS CLOSET? Scene Two - The Montana - Niles'S Dressing Room. Later that evening, Niles is getting ready in his elaborate dressing room (with fireplace) for the wine club as Mel knocks on the door. Niles is dressed in suit and tie. Mel: [o.s.] Niles! [enters] Oh, don't you look dashing. I've brought you a nice bottle of Cheval Blanc to impress the wine club. Mrs. Briggs gave it to me as a thank-you after her last face-lift. Niles: [looks at bottle] '61! I don't believe it! Mel: Yes, that's what they're saying about Mrs. Briggs! Niles: Oh, this is the perfect occasion for me to bring this wine. We're electing a new president tonight. Mel: Oh? Niles: Yes, and I promised Frasier I'd nominate him. Oh, did I mention, brunch at Frasier's tomorrow? Mel: Oh yes, darling. Well, I'm so happy my rare, expensive bottle will benefit your brother. Oh, that tie's all wrong, let me. Niles: Yes, of course, of course. Mel goes to get another tie from the rack. Niles: Yes, well, ever since the day he joined the wine club, Frasier's dreamed of becoming corkmaster. [she picks out a tie] Oh, good choice! Mel: I think it's wonderful. I really do: helping your brother win this prestigious post. Niles: Well, Frasier, deserves it. Mel puts on Niles's tie in front of the mirror in order to form a loop as Niles takes his off. Mel: Because he knows more about wine than you do? Niles: I wouldn't say that. Mel: Well, he's probably been in the club longer? Niles: No, actually, I sponsored his membership. Mel: Oh, well, so you've never wanted that honor for yourself? Niles: Well, I wouldn't say never. Who hasn't nursed the dream of one day becoming corkmaster? Mel: Oh, I'm sure Frasier at least asked if you were interested. [puts tie onto him] Niles: Now that you mention it, no he didn't. Mel: Oh, and you don't resent it? Well, you see, that's why I love you, because most people would. I would, bitterly, but then I'm not you and I don't know what's best for you and... now the jacket's all wrong. [takes it off him] Niles: Do you think I should call him on this? Mel: [getting another jacket] Please, the last thing I want to do is come between you and your brother. Niles: He knows perfectly well how much I've coveted this post. I distinctly confided my aspirations to him the night Jud Riverton fell off the ferry after the spring tasting! Mel: Well, I'm sure he just forgot. Niles: No, no, don't defend him. Here. [lets her put the jacket on] He's always putting himself first and I always let him. Mel: Why, Niles? Niles: Oh, I don't know, I think perhaps it's because... Mel: I'll tell you why: because you can't see yourself for what you really are! [holds him up into the mirror] You are a powerful, sexy, dynamic, colossus of a man. In other words, perfect corkmaster. Niles: [looking at himself] I am, aren't I? Mel: And don't let anyone, anyone ever take that away from you. Mel and Niles kiss. Mel: Now, that's all I want to say, because I love you and I don't want to meddle. Mel goes to pretty herself up in the mirror. [SCENE_BREAK] GUNFIGHT AT THE BOUQUET CORRAL Scene Three - The Wine Club. Everyone is gathered as Frasier beckons Niles over to him. Frasier: Oh, Niles, finally, you're here. Niles: Yes, sorry I'm late. Frasier: Oh, that's all right, it's just that the nominations are about to begin. Now listen, this is what I thought we would do. After you nominate me, I will demure modestly for a moment and then I'll say something like... Niles: I want to be corkmaster. Frasier: Well, that's a bit artless, don't you think? Niles: No, no: I want to be corkmaster too. I covet this post as much as you do, I always have, and I think I deserve a shot at it. Frasier: But Niles, I've been campaigning for this all week, I was counting on you to nominate me. Niles: And I will, I'm just hoping that you'll return the favor. Unless that is you're afraid of a little competition. The current corkmaster taps on a glass to draw attention. Master: Can I have your attention? My friends, as outgoing corkmaster, I would like to thank those who stuck with me during the ugly days of Spritzer-gate, but the time has come to pass the tasting cup. Are there any nominations? [Niles raises his hand] Niles. Niles: It's a honor and a privilege to nominate my brother, Frasier Crane. There is a round of applause. Master: Right, any others? Frasier: [after some nudging] Yes, I would like to reciprocate and nominate my brother, Niles Crane. Master: Are there any further nominations? [no-one raises a hand] Well then, a show of hands, please, for those in favor of Frasier Crane. [they do and he counts - including Niles's proud hand] Fourteen. And those in favor of Niles Crane? [they do - however Frasier does not raise his hand] Thirteen. [Niles stares at Frasier until he raises his hand] Oh, fourteen. It's a tie. If only out venerable founder, Virgil Hepplewhite was here to guide us. Virgil: [out of nowhere] I'm over here. Master: [crowd moves back] Oh, sorry, Virgil, I didn't see you. So, em, what is the procedure? Virgil: [stands] Blind taste of five bottles. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Four - The Wine Club. Later on, Frasier and Niles are sat opposite each other at the tasting table. They are in the middle of sampling a wine. Frasier spits his out but Niles carries on. Frasier: Oh for God's sake, Niles. The wine spent less time in the bottle! [Niles spits and writes down his prediction] Master: All right, gentlemen, you have correctly identified the first three wines, let's see if number four can break the tie. Niles? Niles: It was ripe, round and thoroughly seductive. I said Australian Shiraz. [holds up his card] Master: Ah, and Frasier, what did you think? Frasier: Well, contrary to my brother I thought it was dark, dusky and supple, but I also said Australian Shiraz." [holds up card] Master: You're both right, we're still tied. [applause] Frasier: Well, Niles, this is the moment of truth. Don't choke. Niles: Please, prepare to be stomped like a late harvest Gevertstremener! They take sips of their wine simultaneously, swish it around their mouths in pride, and in rhythm, lift their buckets and spit together. They write down their prediction. Master: Gentlemen? Niles: It was jammy, plummy, dense and chewy. There is no doubt in my mind that it was a Napa Valley Merlot. [holds up card] Master: You, Frasier. Frasier: A nice big wine with excellent heft. It's Napa all right, but as I always say, why go Merlot when you can call a Cab? [holds up card] Master: I thought this bottle might trip you up. Gentlemen, it's actually a blend. A forty-five percent Cabernet... Frasier: And?! Master: And... fifty five percent Merlot! Niles wins by ten percent. Frasier grimaces as Niles goes over to him amid the applause. Frasier: Well, Niles, congratulations, obviously the better man won. Niles: Frasier, please... Frasier: No, Niles, don't be modest. Niles: No, I wasn't, they're starting my inauguration. Niles sits in a throne-like chair in which he is hailed with the medal of the cork and a song to the tune of "Rule Brittania!" Club: Hail corkmaster, The master of the cork, He knows which wine goes with fish or pork! Hail corkmaster, The master of the cork... They carry on singing to Frasier's anger as we FADE OUT. End of Act One. Act Two. Scene One - Frasier's Apartment. Roz and Frasier are in the kitchen preparing brunch on Sunday morning. Frasier: You know, the whole purpose of this brunch is to get to know Mel better, but it just hurts the hell out of me preparing a sumptuous brunch for Niles after the way he betrayed me at the wine club. Roz: Oh, would you shut up about that corkmaster thing! I already hate you for putting that song in my head! Daphne enters the kitchen with a Bloody Mary, she seems kind of tipsy. Reset to: Living Room Meanwhile, Martin enters from his room. He seems nervous. Martin: Okay, it's all clear. Martin and Clare run out and head to the door quickly as she fastens her blouse. Martin: [picks up chili bowl] Thanks for dropping off my tupperware. Clare: Oh, oh, it's no trouble at all. I was headed out to church this morning... and I thought, "Oh, Marty's right on the way." Martin: [snaps out of it] What's the matter with us? Clare: Oh, Martin, we have done nothing wrong. I mean, maybe we were a little impetuous, but that's no crime. Martin: Yeah, I guess you're right. Well, listen, thanks for dropping by, and I'll call you. They kiss just before Frasier enters. Frasier: Mrs. Wojadubakowski. Martin: Yeah, look who just came here! Look who it is. [drags her back] Frasier: I didn't even hear the doorbell ring, what brings you here? Martin: Oh, [looks for excuse] she just brought me back my chili bowl. Well thanks a lot, and I'll see you later. Frasier: No, Dad, where are your manners? Why don't you join us for brunch, Clare? I insist. I'm not sure that we'll be able to give you a treat as spicy as the one that Dad gave you but... Clare: Yes, he does make very good chili! Frasier: Isn't that flattering, Dad? You know what, I think someone wants seconds! Clare and Martin give each other a nervous glance. Martin: Frasier, could I see you in the kitchen for a minute? Frasier: Yes, of course. Clare, you make yourself at home. They enter the kitchen as Martin greets Roz and Daphne. Roz is preparing some Bloody Marys. Frasier: Oh, splendid idea, Roz; Bloody Marys. You know, why don't you offer one of those to Clare? Martin: Oh, I don't think she's got time. Daphne: I'll ask her. Daphne and Roz exit with the drinks. [SCENE_BREAK] Daphne: [o.s.] Mrs. Wojadubakowski, Mr. Crane was wondering if you had time for a quick one. Martin: [agitated] Look, Frasier, there's something you should know about me and Clare: we just slept together. Frasier: Are you sure? She just got here two minutes ago. Martin: She was here earlier. I just don't know what came over us. We just couldn't keep our hands off each other, we were like animals or sex-crazed teenagers. Frasier: Well, what's wrong with that? Martin: Well, I'll tell you what's wrong with that, she's Stan's widow. I mean, he didn't even like it when I borrowed his lawn mower! Frasier: Dad, listen, Stan's been gone a while now. I mean, you're not teenagers, you're two mature people reaching out for some companionship. I think it's adorable. [doorbell sounds] Martin: Adorable?! Frasier and Martin enter the main area where Daphne, with Bloody Mary in hand, opens the door to Niles. Daphne: Oh, good morning, Dr. Crane. Niles: Hello, Daphne. [looks] My, isn't that a beautiful outfit. Daphne: [falling over herself] Oh, thank you, Dr. Crane, how sweet. But her smile soon fades as Mel enters. Mel: [on cell phone] So just beep me if you need me. Niles: Greetings all. Mel, I think you know everyone. Everyone greets everyone. Niles: Oh, Mrs. Wojadubakowski, what a nice surprise. This is Mel Karnovsky. Mel: Hello. Clare: It's a pleasure to meet you. [stands] Martin, I really have to be getting to church. Martin: Oh, yeah, sure, okay. Well, I'll just walk you out. Niles: You know what, by the way, I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. Clare: Thank you, thank you. Niles: I understand Dad's been doing what he can to fill the void. Clare nervously leaves as Mel and Niles get settled. Roz: Can I pour you a Bloody Mary, Mel? Mel: Not for me. It's a little early in the day for hard liquor, don't you think? Roz: Not anymore. [pours herself a large one] Mel: Niles, let's get this foie gras box in the refrigerator. [notices Eddie has his head in the bag] Oh, hello, Eddie. Or should I say goodbye? Martin: Huh? Mel: Well, Martin, I'm sure you'll be locking Eddie out on the balcony if people are going to be eating here. She exits with Niles to the kitchen. Martin: Well, I'll tell you who I'd like to lock out on the balcony- Roz: Oh please, let it be me! Frasier: Now, now, maybe I remind you that we're having this little bruncheon in order to get acquainted with Mel. We owe it to Niles to give her a chance. Daphne: I agree with Dr. Crane, we should all have another Bloody Mary. [pours one] Frasier: I didn't say that! Daphne: It was implied. Mel: [enters with Niles a bottle of wine] Oh, Frasier, I almost forgot. The corkmaster and I brought this along for you. [hands over bottle] Frasier: Oh, well, thank you very much, that's a lovely bottle. I guess Niles must have told you about his eleventh hour victory. Mel: Ah, yes, and I'm so proud of him. Niles: Let's give credit where credit's due, to Mel. [kisses her] Frasier: To Mel? Niles: Well, yes, it was her idea that I should run. Frasier: Really? Well, perhaps I'll just put this around the corner before the cork flies out and hits someone. Frasier puts the wine around the corner as the scene DISSOLVES TO: Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment. Everyone is sat with their drinks at the table. Daphne has become increasingly drunk. Mel: So, after all these years of doing tummy tucks and liposuctions, I can look at a fully clothed person and see exactly what they look like naked. [everyone becomes self- conscious] I can see every sag, droop, ripple and pucker. It's like X-ray vision. Roz: How interesting. [walks to kitchen holding her stomach in] I think I'll go check on breakfast. Frasier: [tensing his muscles] Let me give you a hand with that. Frasier and Roz arrive in the kitchen. Roz: When you invited me, did you say "brunch for Mel" or "brunch from Hell"? Frasier: That woman is unbearable. Martin: [enters] Well, guess who's allergic to Eddie? Frasier: Oh, Lord. Martin: She wants a glass of water to take her pill with. [fills a glass] Boy, do you know what I can't stand? All that "sweetie, dearie, darling" stuff. I've never met anyone so phony! [Mel enters] Hello, dear, here's your water. [hands it over] Mel: Thank you, Martin. Well, Frasier, I'm afraid I have some bad news. I just got beeped by my service and I have to go. Frasier: Oh gosh, I'm so sorry. Mel: Thank you for brunch though, thanks for inviting me. It's such a civilized way to spend an afternoon. Daphne then enters singing "Anne Boelyn" in her drunk style. Daphne: "With her head tucked underneath her arm/ she walks the bloody tower!" - You know who that song's about, don't you? Mel: Bloody Mary? Daphne: Oh, don't mind if I do! [picks up Bloody Mary and exits] Mel: Anyway, I better go. They enter the main area. Niles: Darling, I have your coat. I'll walk you to the elevator. Mel: Well, thank you all for a lovely afternoon. They all shout their goodbyes as Mel and Niles exit. Martin: Well, that's a blessing. Now we can enjoy our breakfast. Roz: I doubt it. I was only allowed to make a cheese-free, mushroom-free, fat-free frittata, thanks to the girl in the plastic bubble! Daphne: I think I'll order a pizza. [takes phone into kitchen] Frasier: You know, I have half a mind to say something to Niles, he is making a terrible mistake with that woman! Martin: Frasier! Frasier: But Dad, it is Maris all over again! She's dominating him, emasculating him! Martin: Look, I don't like her anymore than you do and God knows we've been through this before. I didn't Lilith, we both didn't like Maris and you boys sure as hell didn't like Sherry, but what good did it do talking about it? Frasier: He's repeating a terrible pattern. Martin: Well he's going to repeat it whether you like it or not. And if you say anything, you're just going to drive a wedge between you. So, nobody's going to say a word! Frasier and Roz finally agree as Niles enters. Niles: Well, it's a shame Mel had to leave. Frasier: Oh yeah, you know, we were having such a good time. Martin: Yeah, Niles. Niles: You know, I was nervous bringing her over here. They all laugh it off. Niles: I was concerned what you'd think, you know, getting to really know her for the first time. So? Roz: Ooh, I'm going to go let Eddie in. [exits to balcony] Niles: Come on, seriously, I want you to be totally honest. [Daphne enters, waiting on the phone] Tell me, what do you think of Mel? Daphne: Oh, I don't like her at all, she's bossy and fussy and mean. She's all wrong for you. [into phone] Yes, I need a large pepperoni pizza, and some cheese bread! [exits to kitchen] Martin: [stands] I'm sure she didn't mean that, Niles. [follows Daphne into kitchen] Niles: Well, that was startling. Frasier: Yes, well, don't take that seriously, Niles. [Roz enters from balcony] You know how women sometimes just form irrational dislikes for one another. Roz: Oh, that's great, I leave the room for one second and you rat me out. Frasier: No, Roz... Roz: No, it's okay, I don't have anything to hide and I'm not irrational. She's pushy, demanding and a gigantic pain in the ass! I'd dump her like radioactive waste. Niles: Well, so that's two of you in the Anti-Mel camp. Roz: [to Frasier] Oh, did you tell him what you thought of Mel too? Frasier: No, Daphne did. Roz: Oops! [exits to kitchen] Niles: Frasier?! Frasier: I just think she's Maris all over again, she's manipulative... I think you're repeating a terrible pattern. Niles: Well, isn't this neat?! We all have our individual reasons for disliking her. Martin enters with Daphne. Niles: Hey, Dad, what's your reason for disliking Mel? Daphne: So you did tell him what you think of her and after shoving me into the kitchen and shaking your freakin' finger at me! [NB: this light was greatly delivered by Jane] Martin: She's crazy, Niles, I don't know what she's talking about... [Roz enters] Niles: No, no, that's all right, Dad. I, er, I asked you all to be honest and you were. [gets coat] I got my answer. You know what would have been nice? Is if one of you could have found one nice thing to say about her. Niles exits and slams the door behind him in disgust. The rest look around in guilt. The silence is then cut after about ten seconds. Daphne: She does have that X-ray vision. Everyone looks at her as we FADE OUT. Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment. Frasier is sat reading a book as Martin enters and sits in his chair. Martin: Did you talk to Niles? Frasier: Em, I left a couple of messages but no answer. I think he's gonna have to stay mad for a while. Martin: Yeah, well, that was a hell of a brunch all the way round for you as well as me. Frasier: Dad, if you're talking about what happened between you and Mrs. Wojadubakowski, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Martin: Yeah, yeah, I guess. Frasier: So, you're going to see her again? Martin: Oh, I don't know, I don't think it's gonna work out. Frasier: You're not still feeling guilty, are you? Martin: No, what you said made a lot of sense. It's just that I think it's run its course. Frasier: Oh, well, I have a theory. Martin: Geez! Frasier: [Daphne enters and hears] No, no, hear me out. I think by giving you my approval to sleep with Clare I've made it less exciting for you. There was a certain illicitness to the relationship that gave it a kind of piquancy. Martin: Frasier, it's Sunday, take the day off! Daphne: [the drink has obviously worn off] Wait, Mr. Crane. You slept with Mrs. Wojadubakowski? Martin: Yes, I did, isn't that adorable? Daphne: No, it's disgusting, you dirty old man! Sleeping with that poor widow before her husband's even cold in the ground. Martin: You think that was wrong? Daphne: You're damn right I do. You ought to be ashamed. Martin: See, I told you, Frasier. Daphne: We live in a civilized society and there are certain rules we have to live by. [getting carried away as if settling a mental conflict] We all have impulses we'd like to explore, but we don't! Frasier: Daphne? Daphne: [after a pause she tries to put it aside] Well, we can't just go chasing anyone you fancy just because you're suddenly attracted to them. There are certain things you don't do, no matter how tempted you are. [exits to her room] Frasier: Boy that was strange, wasn't it? Martin: I don't think it was strange at all! Made a lot of sense to me! [stands and gets coat] Frasier: Where the hell are you going? Martin: Well, I better get over to Clare's and apologize. Don't wait up for me Frasier, I've got a lot of apologizing to do! Frasier gives him a look as he exits. End of Act Two. [SCENE_BREAK] Frasier is having a wine tasting test in the living room. Martin is testing him. Frasier is wearing a blindfold as he tastes a wine. He gives a prediction and Martin says it's correct. Then he takes another glass. However, whilst he is sipping, Martin rushes a half- dressed Clare out of the apartment before he takes the glass and gives him the correct answer.
Whine Club