Frasier is furious when he finds his parking space in Elliott Bay Towers encroached upon by the new SUV belonging to Cam Winston, his neighbor and nemesis. He takes the case to the condo board, and is delighted when his impassioned oration persuades them to rule that Cam must park in the sub-basement. However, Cam lives in the apartment above Frasier's, and he devises a suitable method of revenge, involving the American flag . Niles asks Daphne to move in with him, and she eagerly accepts, but when she receives a phonecall from her mother announcing an impending visit, she asks that the move be postponed. When Gertrude Moon arrives, Niles discovers why: she still believes Daphne to be a virgin. Rather than bring her husband, Gertrude turns up with Simon, Daphne's brother. For the next few days, both Crane brothers have a terrible time to endure, as Gertrude stays with Niles and Simon with Frasier.
Act 1 Scene 1 - The Parking Garage Fade in. Frasier pulls his BMW into his parking space. Just after, Cam Winston pulls his HMMV into the spot to his left. Frasier opens his door, but it can only swing about six inches. Cam gets out of his car. Frasier: Excuse me. Cam? Cam walks around the back of the cars. Cam: Oh, hello Frasier. Still driving a sedan? Frasier: Yes, well, at least mine fits in the allotted space. Unlike this new... behemoth you're driving. Cam: Actually, it's the new Behemoth XL. Well, use care getting out. Frasier: Come back here! You know very well I can't get out! Cam: Oh, I'm sorry. Let me see what I can do about that. He walks back to the driver's side of his car as Frasier pushes his head up through his sun roof. Cam: Oh, tough break. If I move I'll be over the line on the other side. Frasier: But you're over the line on this side. Cam: Actually, if you were standing out here, you would see that I'm just on the line, which, as we both know, is in. Frasier: If I were standing out there, we wouldn't be having this conversation! Cam: I wish I could help. Maybe next time you'll think twice before calling the police when I have a party. He begins walking away. Frasier: What makes you think it was me? Cam: You're the only one in the building I didn't invite. He clicks his car alarm and leaves. Frasier, grunting, pulls himself up through the sun roof to sit on the roof of his car. He pulls his hands up, worried about the finish, takes off his shoes and tosses them to the floor, then tries to ease down the back of his car. Slipping, he grabs at the pipe above his car, pulling it loose and pouring water over and into his car and himself. FADE OUT [N.B. Though Cam Winston, and the details of the feud described above, appear first in Season Seven's [7.11] "The Fight Before Christmas," this is the first time we see him in the flesh.] Scene 2 - Niles' Apartment at the Montana Fade in. Daphne comes in the front door, pulling a small rolling suitcase. Roz is with her. Daphne: Thanks again for the ride, Roz. Roz: Sure, no problem. Isn't this a lot of stuff for just one night? Daphne: Oh, it's not for one night. Niles and I have decided to keep a few things at each other's houses. You know, save running back and forth. Niles comes in, pulling a bellman's dolly, with several suitcases and garment bags on it. Niles: There you are. I thought I heard you come in. Hey, Roz. Roz: Hey, Niles. Daphne: My God, what is all that? Niles: Well, it's just the stuff I'm gonna be keeping at your place. Oh, Roz, since you're here, do you mind giving me a ride? Roz: Well, what's wrong with your car? Niles: I had to lend it to Frasier, his is drying out. Long story. Roz: Well, I don't think I'm gonna be able to get all that stuff in my car. Niles: Oh, well I'm sure once we get the rest of Daphne's stuff out, there'll be plenty of room. Daphne: These are all my things. Niles: Oh, well, uh... I guess I can do with out this dressing gown. He pulls one slim garment hanger from the rack. Niles: Oh, but, what if I'm wearing dark pajamas? Roz: Yeah, that would be all crazy. Niles, maybe if I take the back seat out of my car, I can cram all this stuff in. Daphne: Yeah, that might work, but let's not move anything until Niles and I have had a little discussion about this. Niles: Um, well, I definitely know I'm gonna need this one. He hands a small bag to Roz, who's shocked at the weight. Roz: I'll take it down. Niles, what do you have in here? Niles: Um... ties. Roz leaves. Niles: Something wrong? Daphne: Where are we supposed to put all this? I cleared out two drawers. This'll fill two closets! Niles: Well, we said we'd both bring whatever we needed for any eventuality. Daphne: Well, isn't there anything you can leave behind? Niles: I don't see how, I have formal, semi-formal, dishabille, wet weather, cold weather, cloudy. I mean, if there's something here you find excessive, jump right in. Daphne: I just don't have the space, and I don't see your brother giving up any of his. Maybe this isn't going to work. She sits on the fainting couch. Nile joins her. Niles: I'm sorry, I just thought this would make things easier. Daphne: And it would, if I had more room. Niles: Well, you're right. It was thoughtless of me. I guess I'm just used to rattling around here all by myself. Sometimes I think this is too much space for just one person. He gets a thoughtful look in his eye. Niles: You know... Daphne: Yes? Niles: You could live here. Daphne: Are you asking me? Niles: Would you like to? Daphne: Would you like me to? Niles: Yeah. Daphne: Then I will. Niles: Okay. They let it sink in. Niles: Wow! That was a big thing. Daphne: I'll say. I'm gonna live in your apartment! Niles: OUR apartment. Daphne: Our apartment. Oh, my, I'm gonna have to practice saying that. "Let's go back to our apartment." Niles: "Why don't we meet at our apartment?" Daphne: "Oh, my, our apartment has a gas leak." Niles: "Oh, no! Our apartment's going to explode!" Daphne: "Oh, no! There goes our apartment." They break up laughing and Daphne pushes at him, knocking him to the floor. Roz comes in. Roz: So, what else are we taking? Daphne: Good news, Roz, Niles and I are moving in together. Roz: Oh, hey, that's great news! So I didn't have to strip two bolts and grease up my shirt moving the seat out after all. Daphne: Nope. And you didn't need to take Niles' ties down, either. Niles: No. But I will get the ties. You stay here in our apartment. Daphne: OUR apartment. Our living room, our fireplace... Niles: Our kitchen. Our bedroom. Daphne: Our bedroom... They look at each other. Roz: I'll get the ties. She leaves. FADE TO: Scene 3 - Frasier's Apartment Fade in. Frasier comes in, drops his keys on the side table and stands smugly for a moment. Frasier: You should have been at the condo board meeting, Dad, you missed all the excitement. Martin: Don't tell me, people argued about some dumb building policy, then you all had cookies. Frasier: Not this time. I gave the greatest speech of my condo board career, which led to a vote, which led to the ruling that Cam Winston must now park that SUV monstrosity of his in the SUB- basement! Then we had cookies. He goes to pour a glass of sherry. Martin: My mistake. How did Cam take it? Frasier: He was livid, thank you. But I pointed out that the emissions from his oversized vehicle endangered the health of anyone passing through the lobby, and I won the day. Martin: People bought that? Frasier: Dad, I am an orator. It is not only that which is said, but the passion with which it is said. Martin: You're saying it now and it just sounds like a lot of hooey. The doorbell rings. Frasier: That's because I'm not orating right now. Oh, just go back to your paper! He sets his drink down and opens the door to reveal Cam. Frasier: Ah, good afternoon again, Cam. Cam: Listen, Crane, you may have bamboozled the condo board, but we both know you just want more room to swing your fat ass into that BMW. Frasier: Cam, if there is any benefit to me, it is the cleaner air which we will all now breath. Cam: Oh, get off your high horse. You do your share of polluting with that substitute for masculinity you're driving. Frasier: If mine's a "substitute for masculinity", then what is yours? Cam: Bigger! Martin: Ha! Frasier: That wasn't funny. I'm sorry, Cam, but I believe the issue is closed. It was voted on by the majority. In the spirit of the great democracy that is America, I believe that is check and mate. Good day. He closes the door in Cam's face and retrieves his sherry. Frasier: Boo-hoo, Cam, no more blocking my driver's side door. Martin: Do you think that's smart? Ticking off the guy who lives right above us? Frasier: Dad, we are protected by this building's constitution. Believe me, I will have Cam cited for a noise violation if he so much as drops a hint! Daphne and Niles come in the front door. Daphne: Hi. Niles: Hello, hello, I'm glad you're both here. We have news. Daphne: I'm moving in with Niles. Frasier: Well, that is a big decision. My goodness, congratulations. He gets up and hugs them both. Martin: Yeah, wow, it's not gonna be the same around here without you. The phone rings. Daphne: Oh, don't worry, I'll still be around plenty, even if I'm not living here. She answers the phone. Daphne: Hello? Oh, Mum. Yeah, I'm sorry, I've been meaning to call, but Dr. Crane yells at me whenever I phone long distance. Frasier: I do not! Martin: Let her say whatever she needs to. Daphne: [heading to her room with the phone] And poor old Mr. Crane is so feeble he can't even make it to the loo by himself. Martin: Hey! She mouths "Sorry" and exits to her room. Niles: Can you believe it? I am actually going to be living under the same roof with the woman I adore. If you had told me two years ago that this was going to happen, I would have said you were crazy. Frasier: I know exactly how you feel, Niles. You know, I used to think Cam Winston's SUV was immovable, and now look at me! [off their looks] Well, I think this calls for a celebration! How about some champagne? Niles: Oh, stay there, I'll get the Dom. He heads off to the kitchen. Frasier: Well, it's the end of an era. Martin: Yeah, it's been the three of us under this roof for nine years. Frasier: Do you remember when Daphne first came here? She was so young and naive, I didn't think she'd last a week. Yet she somehow managed to forge a relationship with a, a blustery psychiatrist and a crotchety old man. Martin: And with me, too. Frasier: Yes, Dad, with you too. Martin: Well, we knew she wouldn't be around forever, but I never would've guessed she'd end up with Niles. Frasier: I know. He's come so far since the dark days of Maris and Mel. Martin: Well, I guess from now on it's just you and I. Frasier: "You and me", Dad. Martin: [sotto voce] This is gonna be great. Niles comes back in with the champagne in an ice bucket. Frasier: So, Niles, when is moving day? Niles: As soon as possible. Once we'd made the decision, neither one of us wants to waste a second. Daphne comes back in. Daphne: Well, the move is off. Niles: What? Daphne: Just temporarily, my parents are coming for a visit. Niles: What does that have to do with us living together? Daphne: Well, I just think with all the confusion involved with a move, it's best to wait until after they leave. Niles: Or, we could call a mover and have all your stuff over at my place tomorrow, and you parents can stay with us. Daphne: Oh, Niles, that is so sweet, I know they'll love that. But I think I should wait until after their visit to move. Niles: Daphne, what's going on? Daphne: Nothing. I just think, well, why rush? Moving is something to be enjoyed. Frasier and Martin share a confused look. Niles: So, just to clarify, you're going to stay here, but your parents are going to stay with me. Daphne: Oh, I'm so glad you understand. She hugs him. Looking over her shoulder, he mouths "What happened?" to the others. End of Act 1 [SCENE_BREAK] Act 2 Scene 1 - Niles' Apartment at the Montana Fade in. Martin is sitting on the couch. Niles and Frasier are setting up to greet the Moons. Niles: I hope Daphne's not having trouble with their luggage. I should have gone with her to the airport. What kind of impression does it make that I didn't go with her? Martin: She didn't want you to go with her. Niles: Yeah, what does that say? Frasier: Niles, will you relax? You always make a good first impression. Niles: SECOND impression. The first impression I made when I kidnapped their daughter from her wedding. Oh God, where are my crab croquettes? Frasier: I put them in the warming oven. Niles: They'll dry out! Frasier: Then I'll serve them. Niles: No, they'll get cold! Oh, I don't know, I don't know! The doorbell rings. Niles: Now, now! Crab croquettes! Frasier: Right. Frasier heads to the kitchen, Niles fluffs the pillows on the couch. Niles: Dad, it's show time! Keep you wits about you. Martin: Right. I'll just follow your lead. Niles rushes, almost knocking over a lamp but catching it, then opens the door to Daphne and her mother. Niles: Oh, Mrs. Moon, welcome, come in. Daphne: Mum, you remember Niles? Mrs. Moon: Of course. You know, I was quite cross with you when you stole my daughter away from that rich lawyer. But from the looks of this place, you do all right. Martin: Nice to see you again, Mrs. Moon. Martin Crane. Mrs. Moon: Oh, of course, you're the one who's kind enough to keep my daughter employed. Martin: It's not kindness, she does a great job. Mrs. Moon: Well, she does what she can with what God gave her. Niles: Um, where's Mr. Moon? Daphne: Well, actually, there's been a slight change of plans... Simon, Daphne's loutish brother comes in. Simon: 'Allo, 'allo. Niles: Simon! Frasier: Simon! Martin: Buddy, how ya doin'? Simon: Well, I'm thirsty for starts. Martin: Then let's take care of that! Mrs. Moon: Oh, I could use a tiny nip of something myself. They head to the bar and Niles and Frasier move to Daphne. Frasier: What is your brother doing here? Daphne: Me dad couldn't make it, so Mum brought him instead. Niles: Why, why didn't your dad come? Daphne: I don't know. I'm disappointed, but I'm not surprised. Dad doesn't like to travel. Niles: Why not? Drink in hand, Mrs. Moon walks over to a chair and sits. Mrs. Moon: You know, that flight made my feet swell up like a couple of Christmas hams. Simon, give 'em a rub. Simon: I rubbed 'em halfway across the Atlantic. Martin: Hey, Fras, I've got an idea: Why doesn't Simon stay with us? Frasier drops the tray he's picked up. Simon: Oh, that's very kind of you, Marty. Frasier: Yes, well it is, except that, well I think there'll be more room right here at Niles'. Niles: Oh, yes, although Frasier's apartment is closer to a pizza restaurant. Frasier: Yes, but Niles' is closer to a liquor mart. Simon: Now, now, now I don't want you boys fightin' over me. Niles: Dad, how many channels does that satellite of yours get? Martin: Five hundred. Simon: We have a winner! Frasier glares at Niles. Daphne: Mum, your room's gonna be down that hallway on the left, if you'd like to freshen up. Mrs. Moon: Oh, look who's the lady of the house. Spend a lot of time here, do you? Simon: Are you kidding? She's probably had it off in every room. Mrs. Moon: Simon Moon, bite your tongue! My baby girl's a virgin. Isn't that so, Daphne? Daphne: Of course, Mum. Mrs. Moon: It's you that'll have your leg over any filth that moves. Simon: I don't care if they're moving. Simon and his mom share a laugh at this. [N.B. Mrs. Moon's insistence that Daphne is still a virgin does not jibe with her easily believing Daphne was pregnant in [7.24], "Something Borrowed, Someone Blue."] Niles: Um, Daphne, can I see you in the kitchen for just a sec? Excuse me. They head off. Simon: Should we stop at the supermarket on the way home? I'm very fond of those "Ham and Cheese Hot Pockets" that you had last year. Martin: Oh, I keep those stocked. Everything's just like you remember. Frasier: Well, there has been one small change: the liquor cabinet has a lock. Simon: Well, my new moped had a lock, too. CUT TO: the kitchen. Daphne: My mother is very old fashioned. Niles: Well, if she thinks your a virgin, how are you going to explain our plan to live together? Daphne: I wonder how important it is that she ever finds out. Niles: What are you saying? We're just not going to tell her? Daphne: Well, I can still get me mail at your brother's and me phone messages, and we can screen calls here. Niles: That's ridiculous, we're adults. We're not going to sneak around like this. Daphne: It's not forever. Mum's getting on in years and she smokes like a chimney. The oven timer rings and Daphne opens it to take out a pan. Niles: Your mother really thinks you're still a virgin? Daphne: Oh, Niles, who cares what Mum thinks? They kiss as Mrs. Moon comes in. Mrs. Moon: Daphne... Daphne pulls back and lightly slaps the side of his head. Daphne: Fresh! Niles looks confused and frustrated. FADE TO: 3265 INSULTS AND 5 DAYS LATER... Scene 2 - Frasier's Apartment Fade in. Martin is in his chair, watching a game, Simon is on the couch. Martin: Hey, you better not let Frasier see you wipe your hands on the couch. He's mad enough that you ate that stuff he puts on his face. Simon: [pointing] I'm telling you, it was marmalade. The door opens and Frasier, Daphne, Niles, Roz and Mrs. Moon come in. Frasier: Do you mind? Feet off the furniture. Simon: You heard him, Eddie, get off, go on. Daphne: He's talking to you. Mrs. Moon: Daphne, dear, I've finally figured out what's wrong with your outfit: it's made for a smaller woman. Niles: Now, hold on, I was there when she picked out that outfit, I think it's absolutely... Roz: Thanks for dinner, Niles, it was really great. Niles: You're welcome. Well, the best is still ahead. Wait 'til you taste the apple crisp that Daphne made for dessert. Simon: Is that that delicious apple thing with crispy bits on top? Daphne: We still have ice cream. Simon: Oh, wow, this is getting embarrassing. Daphne: Simon, how could you? Simon: Well, the ice cream was Marty's idea! Martin: Only the first bowl! Mrs. Moon: Daphne, don't go picking' on your brother. I'll just have me tea. Niles, be a dear and get me a pillow for me head. As she sits on the couch, Niles stands and lifts a pillow. Mrs. Moon: Oh, and I wouldn't get too settled in, you'll need to take me home soon so I can take me medicine. Niles: I thought I suggested you bring that with you. Mrs. Moon: Daphne, dear, aren't you lucky to be dating a man who's always right? Niles squeezes the pillow. Frasier: I'll just go put the kettle on. He heads for the kitchen. Daphne: Mum, I wish you'd stop bossing everyone around. Mrs. Moon: Oh, listen to my silly girl! If she knew how to deal with men, she'd have a husband by now. Niles swings the pillow back as if to hit her, but fluffs it and puts it down as she turns to him. Niles: Pillow for you, here you go, you just rest your head and I'll see how Frasier's doing with the kettle. He heads for the kitchen. Simon walks over to the table where Roz is sitting. Simon: Rose, you're looking fit. You know, I'd've gone too, if I'd known you were going to dinner. I hope you've left room for afters. Roz: I have a boyfriend now, Simon, so you can just lay off. Simon: YOU WHAT?! I thought you would wait for my return. Oh, well, let's have another go then, for old time's sake. Roz: We never had a go. Simon: We didn't? Who was that, then? CUT TO: the kitchen. Niles: The last five days, that woman has made my life a living hell! Frasier: You want to trade? Simon put my sixty-five dollar apricot skin polish on his muffins. Niles: Simon is a boor. At least he's not cruel. You hear the way she talks to Daphne, and Daphne just takes it. Frasier: Well, it's understandable, Niles. I mean, after all, she only sees her mother rarely. I suppose it's just easier to bite her tongue than to engage in some kind of ugly confrontation. Niles: Well, maybe so, but it's just frustrating to see Daphne so timid. I wish she'd stand up for herself or stand up for us or I'll tell you: if she doesn't, I just might. Frasier: Well, I'm sure she will when the time is right. Meanwhile, they are her family and our guests. Let's remember that. Simon: [calling from the living room] Oi, Frasier, can I use this as an ashtray? Frasier: Son of a BITCH! He rushes out. CUT TO: the living room where Simon is tapping his cigarette into a vase. Frasier: Do NOT use that, please. [hands her an empty can] Here, here. Mrs. Moon: An empty can? I'd have thought with all your fancy dingle dangles you'd have something nicer for your guests who smoke. Frasier: Yes, well customarily my guests who smoke do so on the balcony. Mrs. Moon: [gets her own can] This is lovely, thank you. Simon sits down next to Roz again. She waves the smoke away. Roz: Do you mind?! Simon: Come on, Rose. We both know that this boyfriend thing is a ruse. You don't have to play hard to get with me. Roz: I really do have a boyfriend. Simon: Oh yeah? Roz: Yeah. Simon: What's his name? Roz: Roger. Simon: What color is his hair? Roz: Brown. Simon: What's his name? Roz: Roger. Simon: Is that the name you just said a minute ago? Martin gets up. Martin: I think Eddie could use a walk. Roz: I could use one too. Martin: Uh, well, actually, I was just going across to the... Roz: [rushing] Yeah, that's great, I'd love to! She hurries them out the door. Frasier: You know, I have an idea: let's have a toast. Simon: Well, it's about bloody time! Frasier: To my very favorite couple: Niles and Daphne. You don't know my brother very well, Mrs. Moon, but I assure you, he and your daughter share a boundless love. One that is sure to endure as long as that of my parents, and of yours and your husband's. Mrs. Moon begins to cry. Simon: Oh, now you've dropped a clanger. Daphne: What is it, Mum? Mrs. Moon: Oh, tell them, son. Simon: Dad scarpered. Daphne: He left? Simon: Yeah. Mrs. Moon: It's true. Frasier: Dear God, I do apologize. Daphne: Oh, Mum, it can't be! I'm sure he just got sidetracked on his way home from the pub. Mrs. Moon: Well, I thought meself for the first week, but no, he's gone for good. Simon: Oh, don't worry, Mum. Everything'll be all right when we get home. Mrs. Moon: Oh, what's left for me there? An empty house full of memories? No, I'd rather stay right here, in the company of my babies. Thank goodness I have my children to lean upon. Simon: Oh, don't cry, Mum. I really thought this junket to America would cheer you up. Niles: Oh, well, it still can. Go away! The others looked shocked. Niles: I mean, get out there and see the country. Frasier: Yes, that is a splendid idea! This land is rich with snow- covered mountains, sun-kissed beaches, wild untamed rivers and a, a warm loving people ready to embrace you. Immerse yourself in the spectacle and the grandeur that are these United States, this America! Behind him, a massive American flag unfurls past the balcony. Niles: How did you do that? Confused, Frasier turns to follow Niles' gaze. Seeing his balcony completely blocked in, he starts. Trembling, he puts his drink down. Frasier: Cam Winston! He hurries to the door, grabs his keys and rushes out. Fade out. TO BE CONTINUED Credits: Martin is sitting at the breakfast table. Simon brings in two plates, giving one to him. Martin picks up a muffin and takes a bite and nods appreciatively. Simon pulls out the bottle of apricot skin cream. Martin looks disturbed for a minute, but keeps chewing. Reflectively, he holds the muffin out and Simon opens the tube to squeeze more on.
Mother Load [1]