Johnny finds a potential buyer for the town; David and Alexis realize they have become attached to Schitt's Creek.
(Heavy panting) (Footsteps pound, huffing and puffing) (Huffing and puffing) (Birds chirp, cicadas drone) (Door bursts open and bangs shut) (Gasping for breath) (Claps) (Tries to speak but can't) (Gasping for breath) We're getting out! (Panting) We're finally getting out! (Hysterical high-pitched laugh) Alexis: (Laughs unsurely) David: Oh my God. I mean it! Alexis and Moira: (Shriek excitedly) (High-pitched laugh) Alexis: (Laughs and shrieks) David: Oh my-oh my God! Oh my God! Moira: (Bawling) Johnny... Johnny: Told you I'd sell this town. Didn't I tell you? David: Yes. Not to diminish your accomplishment, but you did say that a handful of times. I think eight, to be exact. It bears repeating. Alexis: My little suity-cases! Oh! Moira: David? Should I take this with me? If I'm being perfectly honest, it's very low on the totem pole of coats of yours that I like, but- Moira: It was a gift from your father. Hey, that's a good coat. I outbid Richard Branson for it at the Kiminski auction. Moira: I did get sick of having hot coffee and blood thrown at me. You know who covets this coat? Jocelyn. I could bestow it upon her as a parting gift. We may want to put pen to paper before we start giving away designer clothing, sweetheart. It would be her first piece of clothing made outside of mainland China. I'm gonna do it. Alexis: Honestly, I cannot wait to get to the beach. David: What? Alexis: Yeah, I'm going to St. Barts with Jenna, Leisha, and... Some other girl with an "ah" name that I can't quite remember. David: Huh. Alexis: Why? What are you doing? David: Well, I'm gonna go to New York and um... see some people. Alexis: Oh! What people? You don't know them. Just people. I thought everyone just kind of dropped you like flies when you couldn't pick up the tab at the Waverly anymore? Well, that's absolutely not true. I just have a different kind of relationship with my friends where we don't need to be in constant contact with each other. Alexis: Okay. You should um... come to New York after you're done. And do what, eat a cronut at a Brooklyn flea market? Well, I was thinking maybe we could get a... A two-bedroom apartment in Manhattan and not have to live in Brooklyn. Honestly, David, and like no offense, but when I get out of here, I'm gonna get my own place so I can pack how I wanna pack and I don't have to be called a circus freak all the time. Moira: Ding-dong. Jocelyn: Moira, hey! Moira: Hi, Jocelyn. Gosh, you look so glamorous today. Oh, thank you. Some days it just works. Yeah. (Laughs) So I guess you heard the news. I heard there was someone interested in buying... Yes, we're leaving. I didn't know it was finalized. And since we're leaving... dear God it feels good to be saying that! I would like to give you this as a little keepsake to remember me by. Wow. Is-is it a wig? No. It's a coat. It's the coat. What coat? The coat you kept going on about that one time. Are you sure it was me? Oh, it's absolutely tragic, Jocelyn, that I will never see or speak to you ever again. Jocelyn: Well... Moira: But I will have my memories and you will have this incredible coat. Goodbye, dear friend. Goodbye, Moira Rose. (Car rumbles by) Ted: Hey! What're you doing here? Alexis: Um, can I... ? Ted: Yeah, yeah, come on in. (Cat meows, dogs bark, phone rings) Alexis: Hey. Ted: Hey. Um... so big news. We've sold the town. Ted: Wow. O-okay, and... Alexis: And we're leaving. We're leaving? Well, me and my family are leaving. Oh. Yeah... Oh. Okay. Well, in that case then, um, here, there's something that I need to show you. Alexis: Okay. (Flustered) Uh... Originally, we were gonna be on an all-inclusive vacation when I did this... What's an all-inclusive vacation? (Gasps) Alexis Claire Rose... Will you marry me? (Hesitating) Uh... uh... Yes! If I was staying, then yes! A thousand times, yes! And if things were different and I wasn't leaving, um, then definitely yes! So... is that a no? Yes... ? (Box snaps shut) (Birds chirp) (Bag thumps) Stevie: Are you stealing Roland's truck? Yeah. It's not exactly a Tesla, but it'll get our bags to the airport. So you wanted to see me? Yeah. I had an idea. Oh-oh. What if you came with me to New York? Stevie: (Laughing) What? David: Yeah. Are you ser... really? Mm-hmm. Stevie: New York?! David: Yeah. I don't even know what I would do there. Oh, you just watch a season of "Girls" and do the opposite of what they do. It's easy. You have this like whole life there, with all these fancy friends... Who, in my head, at least all dress like you, and I feel like I'd get lost in the mix. Mm-hmm. Well, all of my friends will probably be away for the summer and I have found a really beautiful two-bedroom in the East Village. It's beautiful, so... Oh, two bedroom. Yeah. I mean, I was looking at three bedrooms, but do I really need an office? I don't... I don't know. Yeah... right. You're coming! You're coming to New York! Pack a bag. Pack two bags. How many bags do you have? Stevie: (Laughs dryly) I'm saving you from this dumpy town. See you soon! (Music plays quietly, dishes and cutlery clank) Johnny: Oh, Twyla... Twyla: Oh, hey, Mr. Rose. I heard you guys were leaving. Johnny: Yes, yes, we are, and I just wanted to thank you for all the great service over the past few months. You're welcome. Yeah, judging by your tips, I was never really sure. Oh. I'll have a coffee when you get a minute. (Door opens and closes) Roland: Johnny, I gotta talk to you. Listen, uh... I don't wanna piss in your punch bowl, okay, but um... I got a bad feeling about this buyer guy of yours, Andy... Johnny: Roberts. Right, right. Roland: Roberts. Very successful. His family made a fortune in the shelving business. Okay, fine. Um... He called me while he was bumping uglies with this old lady. Oh no, really? But that's not the problem. The problem is he put me on the speaker phone. I mean, who would do such a thing? I mean, that's something you would do. As soon as he put me on his speakerphone, Johnny: No, no, Roland: I thought of you. Johnny: That's not something... and I can't deal with another you. But-but-but don't worry, 'cause... Roland: Well, I am worried! Johnny: It'll be fine. Roland. Roland: This is the guy who's gonna buy the town? Johnny: Just relax. Man: (Obnoxious laughter) Yeah, and here's the kicker... The second one was a hooker too! (Laughs) Yeah, yeah. Okay, see ya. See ya. Excuse me, honey, do you know where I can find Johnny Rose? I got a meeting with this freakin' douche. Roland: (Coughs) The douchebag is right here. (Clears throat) (Birds chirp, rollers rattle) So... you're leaving. What'd Ted say about that? Uh... he proposed. Really. So what'd you tell him? I told him I was leaving. But if you weren't, you would? 'Kay, is this a Barbara Walter special or something? I'm leaving. That's it. You don't seem to be crying about it. Mutt: I think it's nice you're going back to your natural habitat. I'm not a dolphin, Mutt. You know what I meant. I'm happy for you. Oh. I'm glad you're happy about it. You know, you should really work on expanding your emotional range at some point. (Roller bangs against building) (Loud obnoxious laughter) Roland: So what you're saying is, he got a little short with you? Andy and Roland: (Uproarious laughter) Johnny: You, uh, you weren't quite seeing eye to eye? Johnny: (Chuckles) Roland and Andy: (Silence) Andy: So, are we gonna sign this puppy or what? Johnny: Oh, there's a good idea! Andy, I've got the bill of sale right here, and... if you wanna put your John Hancock right there on that first tab- Roland: Whoa-Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba. Hold on a second here. I think I got a better idea. Andy: What's that? Roland: Why don't you come over to the house tonight and try some of Jocelyn's famous mac and cheese. We can sign this then. Andy: And cheese... Johnny: Or... or we can sign it now, and then we can dive into some mac and cheese. Right here, Andy. I... I love it. You know, I could really use a good home-cooked meal. Well, right after we sign, we can all have one. Andy: And according to Roland here, Jocelyn's hot stuff. I can't leave town without meeting her. But then again, if she's that hot what's she doing with this guy? (Uproarious laughter) I can't help it if she's got taste! Andy: Oh yeah, right. Yeah, taste. Yeah. Roland and Andy: (Laughing uproariously) Johnny: (Feigned laughter peters out) [SCENE_BREAK] (Birds chirp) (Stamping forcefully) Well, excuse you in that coat! I know! Jocelyn gave it to me. What?! Knock-off's are getting so good these days. Thanks. I can't wait till winter. I'm gonna feel like Patty LaBelle. So you did good work, princess. Alexis: Thank you. Ronnie: Yeah. Perfect attendance, nothing but glowing reviews. And you must have done a some number on Mutt. What do you mean? His hours were up a month ago, he kept coming anyway. Alexis: What? Ronnie: Yeah, maybe he just got bored... Or maybe he just likes pretty girls in hippy hats. Know what I mean, string bean? David: (Frustrated sigh) Stevie: That's a lot of bags. David: There's still some space for you though, so don't worry! Stevie: Yeah... so, um, about New York. Uh, it sounds amazing, but I can't do it, so... Wha-what-what-? Why? What? Uh, I don't think we're on the same page with what going to New York means. Okay. What does it... does it mean... something? Ugh... (Sighs) I like you. I don't want to like you but I do... And so sharing a space with you as roommates isn't gonna work for me. Um... so I'm gonna take a pass, but um... I'm sure you have a lot of friends who would love to live with you. Yeah, not as many as you'd think, so... Um... okay. Well, thank you for being honest and um... I wish I could fix this situation. Um... you've been a great friend. You've been my o-only friend, so... great, nevertheless. Um... you've made my life here survivable. Survivable. Thank-thank you. That is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. David: So now I'm gonna go back to New York... by myself and um... and you can just stay here then. (Shaky exhale) Yeah. I think that's... That's how it has to be. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. (Sniffs) Stevie: Okay, bye. (Receding footsteps) (Sniffs and sighs) Andy: (Mouth full) Yeah, my granddad... (Chewing) Opened our family's first shelf factory in a small town just like this one. I tell you, this place is bursting with opportunity. Well, bursting seems to be the operative word. Andy: Mm! So good! Roland: Whoa! Slow down there, pal! We got dinner coming and a big desert after... Andy: Oh. Roland: s*x in a pan. Andy: Oh? Roland: Then we'll have dessert! (Laughing boisterously) I love it! This guy's a prince. He's a prince! So... did you try it on? Jocelyn: What? Moira: The coat. The one I gave you. (Lying) Yes. It's... it's great. Moira: Not too snug? Jocelyn: Nope. Buttoned right up. It zips. Jocelyn: Zips. It zipped right up! Moira: You didn't try it on, did you? Jocelyn: No. Moira: Oh, why not? It's a great coat! At least let us see it on you. (Fridge door slams) I gave it away. I'm sorry. It just... it didn't suit me and... I thought about Ronnie and you know she could always use some more feminine pieces in her wardrobe, and so I took it over to her and she really liked it, so I paid it... forward. Moira: Well, Jocelyn, there are... certain things that are just not done: Smoking in a car with a baby, unless you crack a window; tipping before tax; mixing drinks with cola; and giving away a coat that doesn't belong to you. (Birds chirp, chopping sound) (Knock at the door) It's open. (Door creaks open) Alexis: Hey. Um... I just came to say... That we'll be leaving as soon as the sale's signed, so... Mutt: You must be super excited. Alexis: Yeah. Why did you do all that extra community service, Mutt? Mutt: Extra community service? Alexis: Ronnie said that your hours ended a long time ago, so... I like to stay active. Alexis: Really? Mutt: What do you want me to say? Alexis: Well, could it maybe be because of the fact that you... Enjoy my company? Sure. Don't you even care that I'm leaving? Of course I care. Alexis: Then what're you doing? Mutt: Why are you yelling? Okay, I'm gonna ask you one more time. Mutt, why did you do that extra community service? (Whispers gruffly) You know why! Why can't you just say it? (Feet scuffle) (Passionate kissing) Roland: What a lovely surprise! Come on in. How are ya? I'm just wondering if my dad is here. Roland: Yeah, your dad's here. Uh, Johnny? Your kid's here. Jocelyn: Does he wanna come in? Roland: I don't think so. Jocelyn: He doesn't wanna come in, okay. David, what're you doing here? I'm just wondering when you think we're gonna have the check ready? Well, this is not the time for that, David. Okay, well, you gave me this town as a gift, so I feel like I'm owed a little bit more. So fifty percent for me, fifty percent for you. David, I'm in the middle of something important. Well, if I'm gonna be going to New York, by myself, then I'm gonna need a little bit more money. Johnny: Well, that's not gonna happen. David: Well, it has to happen. Johnny: It's not gonna happen. David: Well, it has to... Talk to the hand, son, because I've got to watch a pig eat. (Door opens and closes) Moira: What did David want? As owner of the town, he wants half. I tell you, Joc, this freakin' delicious! Mm! Everyone's so greedy. Jocelyn: Well, let me take your plates. Andy: Okay, good. Johnny: There you go. Jocelyn: Um, Andy, you look a little dewy. Andy: Oh. Jocelyn: I'll get you some fresh coffee. Andy: Oh, good idea. Is it just me or is it this dessert that's-that's making me horny? (Laughing) Johnny: I think it's just you, Andy. Andy: Oh. Roland: You know what? I think I should let you guys do the nasty. (Clears his throat) And then sign the contract! (Laughing) Andy: You! This guy! This guy! Johnny: Oh, he's a prince, isn't he? Andy: Yeah, he's a prince. Yup. Johnny: Okay, well... I think you are getting bargain... Andy: Really? Johnny: With this, Andy. And to make things easy, I'm going to uh... Put my signature down first. How 'bout that? Andy: $975,000 dollars! Wow. That's a heck of a lot of cheddar! Don't you think so, sweet cheeks? Sweet cheeks? Aren't you the old fashioned charmer. Oh! Rrrow! (Laughs) Ready for your signature, Andy. Drum roll please. You know, Andy, $975,000 suddenly seems like such a girly number. What are we doing, honey? I mean, a million... That's bold, that's sexy. Andy: That's quite the little lady you have there. (Lecherous moan) You know, I think the little lady's right. What's an extra $25,000, Andy? Come on, it's chump change. It's cab fare. $25,000? For you? Come on. You can cough it up. All right, let's call it a million! What the heck! Johnny and Moira: (Quietly) Yes! Yes! Andy: (Laughs uproariously) Johnny: There we go! Andy: (Moans strangely) Johnny: Just initial and sign on the dotted line. Andy: (Moans) Johnny: Sign on... What's happening? What? Oh my God! Andy! Andy! (Andy moans) We had him, we had him. We had... Moira: Okay, put the pen in his hand. Sign! He was going to sign. Johnny: Here we go, here we go. Moira: He was going to sign! Moira: You, sign! Johnny: Andy? Moira: He wanted to sign, John. Johnny: Here we go. He wants the town. That's it, that's it. Just on the line. Jocelyn: What is happening here?! Johnny: (Feigning surprise) What? What happened? Oh no! Andy! What- Moira: Circulation, Johnny! Circulation in his hand... Johnny: Circulation? He can't even hold a pen, the poor guy. Moira: There. He needs... Johnny: Circulation. Moira: Over the line, over the line. Jocelyn: I'm gonna call an ambulance. Johnny: What? No! Wait! No, no, no, no! No, not yet! Look, he's looking better already. (Shrieks) Wake up, Andy! People do come out of comas. Moira: Oh, I'd kill for a good coma right now. (Approaching footsteps) Alexis: Hey. Moira: Where were you? Alexis: I was out. So I'm gonna go keep packing. Moira: Wait. John? I don't have the heart. The deal fell through, honey. So when are we leaving? Moira: We're not leaving, Alexis. We didn't sell. Alexis: We're not leaving? (Gasps) (Sinking in) Oh... Moira: Are you going to be all right? I'm pretty sure I'm engaged, and I'm pretty sure I just cheated on my fiance. Johnny: She'll be okay. Where's your brother? (Still stunned) Who? Johnny: David! (Stunned silence) [SCENE_BREAK] (Truck rumbles) [SCENE_BREAK] (Truck accelerates)
Town For Sale