After months of no help from the federal government, millions of Americans can look forward to a second wave of stimulus from Washington. “We know that most Americans can still afford a couple of entrees for $65 at their local Outback, but that $8.99 classic Bloomin’ Onion is just out of reach,” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell explained. “We think that almost everyone deserves this treat, so we’ve worked really hard with our friends across the aisle to make this happen.”

Senator Lindsey Graham called it “a great treat for hard-working Americans.” He explained that since many have been afraid to even go out to a restaurant because they are sissies, this will encourage everyone to get out there and support small businesses.

By Emily Sanchez