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I'm Engaged, But Still In Love With My Ex

I'm Engaged, But Still In Love With My Ex

Dear Sugar
The last few years have been a total mess. About five years ago, I started dating a childhood friend. Things were great until three years later when he joined the military and was sent away. Once he left, I thought we were through (I was slightly relieved as things were moving turbo speed) but we remained together long distance. Over the next two years, we were on again off again, mostly due to me pulling away.

We spent last Thanksgiving together on his base. I had heard through the grapevine that he was planning on popping the question. I made it very clear I was not ready and in response, he broke things off saying that was the last time he was going to be hurt by me. Right when he said that, I wanted to be with him more than ever, but it was too late.

Less than three months after we split, he got married and I was a wreck. To make matters worse, I started a fast paced relationship of my own and wound up getting engaged. I thought that I would be happy with my new love, but unfortunately, I still not over my ex. I have suggested moving out but my fiancé doesn't want that.

I keep thinking that one day he will wake up and realize he only has half of a person here and let me go. My biggest fear is that I always discover love when it is too late. My friends are tired of hearing my story and I feel like I have no where else to go. Lost Lauren

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Lost Lauren
What a roller coaster! I think that maybe spending a week alone to soul search might help you. Bouncing from relationship to relationship can be somewhat confusing, especially if you have not moved on from your prior relationship. Tell your fiancé that you taking some time for yourself and think about what you really want.

Right now your ex is married. It sounds like you only want him back because you can't have him. Do you really want to break up both of your marriages with no guarantee that he will even take you back?

While you miss your ex, try to remember the reasons why you pushed him away. You were not ready to make a commitment for a reason and although it may be hard to see now, it might have been for the best after all.

If you are feeling overwhelmed, perhaps taking some time for yourself is in order. It sounds as though you have a wonderful fiance who is willing to support you through the good times and bad. Try to slow down and take care of yourself. If you still feel that you should get out of your current relationship, the time to figure this out is now - before you tie the knot. Good luck.

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honeysugar28 honeysugar28 10 years
I think he just wanted to get married to anyone. I mean you guys were toguether last Thanksgiving he couldn't have waited another year or 6 months. Marriage is a big decision and he jumped into it with someone he barely knows just to get married. I agree with Dear Sugar's advice spend some time alone and think about this carefully don't get married unless you love your fiance unconditionally if you want it to last.
lolak lolak 10 years
Talk about confused!! OK, I don't think you only want him because you can't have him, if anything I think this goes way deeper than you let on. It seems to me that you are allowing the story to repeat itself with your new fiance and to be honest with you this is something you need to fix yourself and let everyone else go their own way while you find what you really want. Is it commitment that you are afraid of? I don't think you love your ex as much as he is an excuse to not get close to the new guy, i strongly recommend that you stay away from him now that he is married and find what is yours, deal with your problem without making it somebody else's that doesn't need to be added to the whirlwind that is your life at the moment. It would be unfair to mess up what once could have been honorably yours now that it rightfully belongs to someone else. Also keep in mind that you are messing with yet another man's mind, life and time by staying engaged to him if you don't truly love him. Don't jump into a marriage that will only and guaranteed lead to court fights and heart aches for more innocent people, maybe even kids. You're not being fair to yourself, you don't know what you deserve so you jump from hole to hole confusing yourself and others in the process. Find yourself, you don't have a time limit you make yourself who you are, not others. If your fiance doesn't want you to move out is because he doesn't truly understand what is wrong, and who can blame him? you say yes to him and then you're distant any guy would lose his mind. But you do know what's wrong so if you need to move out then that's what you do to keep from hurting him even further he will be confused for now, but better later on if you save him from a more serious heartache, don't be selfish by keeping others trapped in this lingo with you, sometimes it's better to be cruel to be kind, than be kind and trapped in unhappiness and pain, in the long run you will only hurt him more and he doesn't deserve that.
getstinko getstinko 10 years
Don't mess up your fiancee's life - get away from him. Your dissatisfaction is from within and you do not need to drag your fiancee (or kids if you do get married) down with you. Spend some time alone, get some perspective. People take marriage too lightly - the ramifications of not resolving your issues can affect too many people for you to move forward with your fiancee. Grow up, move out and stop being so freaking self-absorbed. Odds are you would not be satisfied with your ex either.
My-Opinion My-Opinion 10 years
He was ready for marriage, there's no doubt about that! I'm sure he is totally in love with his wife, so I hope you can get over him because he has already convinced himself that you're a heart-breaker and was looking out and protecting his own heart I guess..You kept backing away as if you enjoyed the control and only WANTED him when he rejected you! You should just move on, it seems to me that you don't love your fiance' that you have now, and had hoped it would be a band-aid... so you should call that off because you're being unfair to you both!,... figure out what 'feelings' you have for your new guy,..that is if he remains patient. I know I wouldn't wanna play second fiddle~remember guys can take a lot, but not as much as you might think!
pollyanna pollyanna 10 years
Wow, what a lucky girl you are!!!! This is my spin on the whole thing, maybe I am wrong, maybe I am right, or maybe it will inspire a new line of thought: Your gut was telling you that something was not right and you listened and ended the relationship. Within three months, he was married. He is right out of the play book. People like this make up their mind about something and then come up with Plan A and Plan B. You were Plan A. Plan B was probably already in the picture, just on the back burner. If you go back, way back, to the time before you ever dated him I bet you will find he was attractive to you as just a friend because he always had a plan. He always was there to help you sort out things and come up with alternatives. That is what you are missing in yourself. This is what you admired in him. You need to develop the little seed inside of you that can come up with plans and then execute them, without hesitation. The guy you are with now is more like you, thus you are living together and not married yet. Neither one of you can make up your mind for sure, because you are wondering about the "what ifs" and neither of you are committing yourself to a plan. I wholeheartedly agree that you should spend a week away and alone from everyone. The first few days you will be scared because you will wonder what will happen with your relationship, will he replace you, will he want you back, will he . . . By the end of the week you should be through all the yucky thoughts and be able to come up with a solution, your solution, something that will be a big picture solution, not a temporary fix, just so you won’t be alone. Plus, by the end of the week you will have opened your heart and will not be thinking selfish fixes, you will be thinking of the best solution for you and your current man. Longing for the past is what we do when we can’t face the future, because we are lacking faith in our heart to do the right thing. What you should learn from your relationship with the first guy is that there is always something more for you, this isn’t the end of the world. Let the past teach you and guide you, just don’t keep dragging it with you into the future. Sometimes the past is like a stinky sack of rotten potatoes that we keep trying to hide, but the smell is still there, so toss it out and move forward. You have a wonderful life ahead of you, now go live it! smiles, Pollyanna
Daisy6264 Daisy6264 10 years
That is sad.
Vsugar Vsugar 10 years
It sounds like you and your ex are both DRAMA addicts. I agree with sugar. You need some time to yourself. Go away for a week alone (DON'T SLEEP WITH ANYONE!!!!!!) - be REALLY alone - give yourself some time to think about what you really want out of a relationship - is it passion? Is it constancy? Is it drama? And don't judge your feelings. If what you LIKE is DRAMA, if it's what you need to feel alive and happy, then accept it - and then figure out why, because in the long run, this won't make you happy - TRUST ME. When you know who you are and what you want out of life and out of a partner, you will never settle for anything less. Good Luck. and PS: You ARE being kind of selfish - treat your fiance, who sounds like a good guy, with respect and tenderness. If you don't love him - I mean, if you TRULY don't love him, let him go now, because you will only break his heart later. If you think you MIGHT really love him, ask him for some time so that you can sort out your feelings for your ex - but don't stay with him just to not be alone. Being alone and single is AWESOME!! Embrace it if it's what's right for you right now. =)
vbpce vbpce 10 years
OKAY i don't think it's necessary for anyone here to pass judgment on you because life doesn't ever happen the way we plan and relationships aren't easy. that said: if he was as in love with you as you think you remember him being, why did he get married THREE months after you told him you weren't ready for permanent commitment? Is that how long it took him to get over you, find another gf, get engaged and get married? clearly he wasn't too choked up about your reaction. which means it's a good thing you're not with him! smile about the fact that you have someone else in your life who loves you enough to be engaged, and if he is right for you, he will respect you when you tell him you would like to be in love a little bit longer before getting married (so that you can figure out whether or not that is what you want). good luck!
gossipqueen gossipqueen 10 years
Sorry if I'm not too nice.... You sound like a very selfish or confused person that doesn't like anything unless is her a child that wants a toy more because she can't have it! Get some theraphy to get over YOUR issues and grow up! Relationships are give and take and for your ex and fiance to pop the question so fast you must have been sending pretty strong signals...find out what you want out of life or at least get a better not only YOUR feelings getting hurt and confused! One last thing...LEAVE YOUR FIANCE...pack your bags and simple as that...unless you want to be forking money for a divorce lawyer...cause if you're really hooked on your ex..that's where the relationship is gonna end up! Learn from your past mistakes. Don't be selfish!
E-Dubs E-Dubs 10 years
"I keep thinking that one day he will wake up and realize he only has half of a person here and let me go." I know you were trying to sound nice but that seems mean to me. If you honestly want him to let you go then you need to let him go find someone who won't feel that way about him. But beware because you might find yourself in your next relationship wishing you hadn't let him go. Also, not to upset you but your ex got married less than three months after you split?? Clearly he moves at turbo speed no matter what. If you need more time in relationships I think you should look for a guy who feels the same way and can give you time and space without it ruining the relationship. I think you should know yourself before entering into a commitment like engagement. That week alone to soul search might be really good thing for you.
Kratsina Kratsina 10 years
Wow, Sugar was alot nicer than I feel like being. This lady is extremely wishy washy. She didn't want the guy till she couldn't have him, now she's got a guy who is great and wants her but she's shoving him away because he's not the man she can't have. The lady needs therapy. She's a commitment-phobe. As soon as a relationship looks to become serious, IE engagement or marriage, she finds something to cling to so she doesn't have to take that final leap. Her feelings for the men seems to be irrelevant, especially her second fiancee. She doesnt' even mention how she feels about him, only that he's talking marriage and she's ready to run.
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