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Should I leave my DP? Or am I just being selfish? Advice please.

(8 Posts)
makemineaquadruple Thu 18-Aug-11 16:58:23


Difficult one to answer when you don't 100% know the situation I know. However, just thought i'd let you know the situation as much as I can and see if any of you can help.

Firstly, I love my dp very much. We've been together 8 years and we've been engaged for most that time. It's one of those "will it ever really happen" kind of engagements.

For as long as I can remember, I felt that we're not right for each other. We're so different. Sense of humour being a big one for me. He very rarely makes me laugh, so when I go out with people who do, it's such a relief, but at the same time said, because i know i'll soon be back to reality where they'll be no laughter atall.

I know he loves me more than anything and would marry me tomorrow, but I keep making excuses such as we have no money, or family issues etc. The truth is I know he's not right for me. We're both firey and volitile people and that obviously clashes and causes some massive rows at times. We argue most days. Not always big arguments, but nevertheless, we do.

I meet other men all the time and think they're better suited for me. I'm ashamed to admit it, but it's true.

The reason I think I haven't left before is because our 4 year old dd is very likely on the autistic spectrum and i'm not sure how she'd cope. She loves her daddy very much and her face lights up every night when he comes home. No matter what kind of day we've had. He's her hero really. The problem is, he's not mine. That's the first time i've put it in those words before and although it's choked me a little, I think i've hit the nail on the head.

So am I being selfish even considering leaving? It would crush our daughter and she wouldn't know if she were coming or going. She's just about to start full time at school too.

Also, I couldn't bear to think that she might one day have a step mum. I know i wouldn't be the nicest of ex partners in that circumstance.

Please someone shed some light. Has anyone else been in this situation? What should I do? I've never said this to anyone. Not even my best friends because I know they'd just tell me to leave if I weren't happy, but they dont' understand the SN situation like you mumsnetters.

Thanks for reading. Appreciate any feedback

ProfessionallyOffendedGoblin Thu 18-Aug-11 17:00:50

Have you considered letting him be the resident parent if you leave him?

WilsonFrickett Thu 18-Aug-11 17:18:13

I think you've got everything all lumped together in one huge tangle. You need some help to tease it all out, really. Have you thought about counselling to help you separate 'your relationship' from 'what is best for DD'?

makemineaquadruple Thu 18-Aug-11 17:34:13

I meant that "at the same time that makes me SAD" not "said". I read over that again and I couldn't understand why it wasn't making any sense. It's quite simple really blush

makemineaquadruple Thu 18-Aug-11 18:11:55

I have considered conselling, but we can't really afford to go private and if we're put on the waiting list it might just be too late.

Should just point out that when I read my op back I realised I made it almost sound as though I was having an affair when I said I meet men who are more suited to me all the time. I just mean maybe a friend of a friend for example who I have a spark with, but that's as far as it's gone. I could never have an affair.

I know what you mean *wilson" when you say i've got it all tangled up. That's exactly how i'm feeling. I'd like someone to come into my brain and de-tangle everything. I don't really know what i'm thinking right now.

professionally, no I haven't considered that. I would need to be with my dd as much as possible. It just wouldn't work for us.

My dd has even started asking when we're going to get married. She always asks us to hug or kiss each other and when we do her little face beams. It almost feels wrong though for me. Almost like he's turned into a mate. The sparks long gone i'm afraid. Can you ever get it back? I'm not even 30 and I can't help but think i'm far too young to accept that the fire has fizzled. Not suggesting that you should necessarily accept that at any age, but hopefully you can understand what i'm saying

coff33pot Thu 18-Aug-11 18:13:19

Never been in that situation so dont really know what advice to give other than think real hard.

Your relationship and your DD relationship with her Dad are two separate things. She will always get on with her Dad whether you are together or not as long as you allow good access, sleepovers etc. The part where she might have a step-mum.....well you will have to go with it as it will upset your DD more and confuse her and really you cant just keep someone because you dont want them to have anyone else in their lives, that is unfair.

Its all exciting when we first meet and then we come used to each other and things wan like romance to a point unless one of you fire it up a bit and make more attention for each other. That is extremely difficult with a SN child at the best of times. Have you tried actually talking your feelings with your DP? List down yourself what you really want out of this relationship and if there are areas you can improve on together? If you love him and he loves you then that should be possible and you owe yourselves at least an attempt at rebuilding if you can smile

makemineaquadruple Thu 18-Aug-11 18:29:08

coff I know it's completely unfair to keep someone just because you don't want them to be with anyone else. If the love had also gone then I think i'd just accept it was going to be difficult and let us both move on. I think that's the problem and that's what's so confusing. I can't ever imagine not loving him. He drives me crazy sometimes, but when I think of us not being a couple I get so upset. It makes little sense I know.

I sometimes lie to myself that i'm just not the marrying type or the romantic type. The reality is, I am both those things, I just can't be around dp. I sometimes even think about falling in love with someone else. It's sad to think that if i'm being 100% i've never really been in love, so the idea that I might never have experienced that is rather soul destroying to say the least.

insanityscatching Thu 18-Aug-11 19:20:46

Well me and dh are coming up to our silver wedding anniversary but I have been unhappily married for at least eight years. We don't argue in fact we live alongside each other with few problems and we don't openly loathe each other in fact I'd guess he still loves me but I don't love him in fact I struggle to like him at timessad
Why do I stay? For selfish reasons I suppose, security, ds and dd's happiness, he's part of their routines and even though he isn't hands on at all they know when he'll be home what part he plays (even if very minor) and I couldn't devastate their lives.It's even more complicated in that his health's not brilliant and I couldn't dump him when the future's not certain.
Would I advise someone to do the same? Probably not, it comes at a price I suppose, I miss having somebody I'm emotionally close to and it feels a bit like a half lifesad
My oldest boys think I'm mad but understand the others are oblivious I think or maybe not dd hmm who is 8 and ASD did ask "have you ever thought of getting out of this marriage because he's bloody useless you know"grin
I think the ASD played a part in our marriage's downfall tbh. Dh never did the reading,the coping, the caring or the fighting and I suppose I got exhausted and felt disappointed in him and it's still the same he's never bothered to find out more and although he acts supportive I can't discuss anything with him because he has no knowledge of statements and tribunals or anything else.
It''s hard I suppose to have a marriage when you both aren't on the same page and there are too many demands to make time to alter the situation.

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