Fifty Shades of Grey: what BDSM enthusiasts think
Emily Sarah. Photograph: Felix Clay
‘Real sex has spit and sweat’
Emily Sarah, 26, is a fetish model and performer who runs BDSM Healing, a business that combines techniques like reiki with sensory deprivation, bondage and spankings to deal with “the cathartic aspects of BDSM”. She discovered the fetish scene while at university in London.
I was shocked by how awful the film was. Ridiculous, really. The sex scenes were so vanilla. It didn’t look particularly kinky to me. There was a lot of beautiful equipment, but not much going on in terms of actual BDSM: it was just about Christian tying Anastasia up. In real BDSM relationships, there’s a lot more connection, a lot more talking, a lot more ritual. The play he did with her wasn’t hard play; it was sensation stuff. I switch between dominant and submissive, so I can see how she’d enjoy the scenes in the Red Room – but it didn’t show an authentic side to BDSM. It was more him stroking her for a bit with a whip, then lots of sex. That was it.
But real sex has smudged makeup and spit and sweat. It was too pretty. I noticed they used a condom though, which was good. And they mentioned the pill as well.
Anastasia is a virgin, and I have met virgins on the BDSM scene. My friend had “Teenaged Virgin” written on her back with a knife. She was on the scene for years before she actually had sex. Otherwise, both characters were completely unrealistic. She didn’t even know what a butt plug was. Most people do – and if they don’t, they wouldn’t be involved with a man like him. I don’t think he’d be interested in a woman like her, either: she’s clearly not up for BDSM, and he could find someone else to do it. That makes their relationship abusive.
I’ve met a few Christian Greys. As someone who, in the past, has experienced many unhealthy and abusive relationships, I would definitely stay away from him. They’re not capable of love; their whole way of viewing relationships is very selfish. It’s about getting a high out of the control, rather than any kind of genuine love. When Anastasia says, “Leave me alone”, he actually breaks into her house! That’s not consensual. He turns up unannounced when she’s with her mum.
I don’t think EL James has had a huge amount of real-life experience; I think these are probably her fantasies. I get the impression she hasn’t had much safe consensual S&M in her life.

Ronald Elliston. Photograph: Felix Clay
‘This film is very dangerous’
Ronald L H Elliston, AKA DJ Rubber Ron, was a member of the music group Black Britain when he discovered the fetish scene in 1983, through the club Maitresse/Skin Two. In 1989, he created Submission, the world’s first fetish dance club.
I’ve read Fifty Shades of Grey and thought it was very Mills & Boon, very twee. The film was really bad, but it was very faithful to the book. If Christian Grey was older than 27 it would make more sense: there’s no way someone so young would have accumulated so much knowledge about BDSM. It takes years to acquire the level of expertise he’s meant to have.
If you wanted to find a partner for this kind of thing you could go via the modern social-media route, engaging in conversation over a period of time to find out if that person is on your level or not. You wouldn’t take someone who wasn’t into it and try to change them, as Christian does. Anastasia goes from being a virgin to being trussed up like a Bernard Matthews chicken in less than, what, a month? It’s not like she wants to explore her sexuality. He says, “Come into this room”, then she goes through the doorway and sees a dungeon! Most people would run away.
People like Anastasia usually get into the scene on their own in small steps. If the story had been about her discovering BDSM then meeting someone like him, it would tie in ... but someone that’s fallen in love, finds out the guy is basically a sadist, then engages in that world – it’s not realistic.
That makes this film very dangerous. Psychologically, certain guys could watch it and think, “All right, this is how we play it now, do we? This is what I need to do.” There’s no way on Earth I’d let my young niece near a guy like that.
Women who want to explore the naughty side of it will just see the sexual tension between the couple. That’s what they’re getting off on. They’re not getting the deep underlying storyline; they’re not understanding what the implications are. You’ve got to be very careful who you invite into the world of BDSM. It could all end in tears, huge tears.
As for my journey into the scene, I visited a famous dominatrix in Camden, and came out of that knowing full well I wasn’t a submissive! To be a good dominant, you need to have gone through that to understand the limits and be able to administer it in the correct way. Christian did do that, but he has way too much power because he’s with someone that’s falling in love with him.

Jon Blue. Photograph: Felix Clay
‘A 24/7 BDSM relationship is rare’
Father of three Jon Blue is a former academic with a PhD in reproductive physiology, who found the fetish scene after working in European universities. He calls it his Breaking Bad moment: “There are worse ways to express a midlife crisis.” Six years ago, he began organising libertine parties known as Little Liaisons, and now also hosts House of Shadows BDSM events.
This film is like an instruction manual for a psychopath. You’d never go near someone like that. If that was my daughter … I’d never let any young, naive woman near a man like that. Christian is manipulative, controlling, and has all the characteristics of a psychopath. At the end, he proved his point by beating her up, then being charming again. A 24/7 BDSM relationship is very, very rare. It would take years to build up that level of trust with someone, otherwise it’s abuse. Anastasia is sold on the idea that she’s in love with him, that he might be a lovely man, so she’s doing whatever he wants. She’s subjugating, not submitting.
Christian has lots of red flags, including low empathy. The way he manipulates has no place in BDSM. Unfortunately, there are some bad, predatory people on the scene, though. It’s about fantasy, exploring the opposite side to what you are in real life. I’m actually very soft and submissive, so I like to explore a dominant side. But I’d never explore that if I knew I was going to cause harm to somebody. A lot of people who have been abused get into BDSM: it actually helps them break that conditioning. But it has to be done with intelligence and communication – and there was no intelligence at all in that film.
As for the sex scenes – they needed his cock in them. It was all on the woman. That said, I’m glad to see any sexuality portrayed in the cinema because we see endless violence, and people can have their heads blown off at certificate 12A, and that’s quite normal. But sexuality’s more complex. Maybe this will break a taboo. Maybe it will stimulate someone to make a decent film about sexuality.