Ipswich's single title, Arsenal's weakened team, and Airdrie's locked ground
TIM IS THE HARDEST WORD
After such an outpouring of rancour yesterday that the Fiver had to learn how to spell rancour, today saw the first step on the road to tolerance, understanding, and a successful national football side. Either that, or in giving his first press conference as England manager, Sven-Goran Eriksson has provided enough rope to hang himself, his assistant Tord Grip and as many Swedes as Jeff Powell can get his hands on. (Only joking there, Jeff Jeff??? Jeff!!!)
Svennis the Menace, as he henceforth will be known until we think of something better, took his opportunity today to impress upon the press just how proud he is to manage England, a country whose football he has always admired. "If you look around you know why I took the job," he said, presumably asking the room to look around at a bunch of wrinkled bilious hacks. "I think it is one of the most prestigious jobs you can have. I am honoured and pleased and I hope to do well."
All well and good. Svennis then went on to say that he was "hopeful" of taking charge of the three World Cup qualifiers England face in March and June next year, and that there was a lot of talent in the current England set-up (even if, when asked, he could not name the Leicester goalkeeper). However, in his one-hour grilling, Svennis did manage one mistake of Al Gore-normous proportions.
"I have always been very close to England and English football," Svennis told the world. "I have been in the Boot Room at Liverpool with Joe Fagan and on the bench for one game when Bobby Robson won the title with Ipswich." The title that Robson never won, that is (Ipswich's sole Championship coming in 1962). Now, where's that Powell got to?
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BIG CUP, BAD BEHAVIOUR
When in Prague, the Fiver likes to belt out the Sparta hymn with much gusto. "Ooooo Sparta! Ooooo go go!" we sing. And we're certainly not the only ones. But at the moment, it looks like Sparta could be "Ooooo out " of Europe next week - and it's all down to a dirty deal which has been struck between Arsene's Arsenal Wenger and Lazio/England boss Svennis the Menace. Having already qualified for the next round, both managers have agreed to rest several key players for their final Big Cup matches next week, a move which could have serious repercussions on Sparta and Shakhtar Donetsk's battle for third spot and a place in Euro-Vase.
What happens, for instance, if Wenger drafts in Christopher Wreh after his four years in the football wilderness? Suddenly it's advantage Sparta. And how will Atillio Lombardo's head cope with the onset of the Czech winter? You see? So, fearing a major diplomatic incident - if not a small-scale nuclear war - we decided to give Uefa a call. "Each team has submitted a squad list of 25 players and after that it is up to each coach to decide which players he wants to field from this list," a Uefa spokeswoman sniffed before hanging up.
But never mind the bureaucrats - what about the fans? "If Lazio bench Pavel Nedved they'll be riots here," warns Jeff Donovan of the Prague Post. "He used to play for Sparta and the fans want to see him back almost as much as they want to win the match." And if that's not bad enough, you can guess the reaction in Ukraine if Arsenal's plane arrives without the Horse on board. "Of course Oleg Luzhny's absence will disappoint the Shakhtar fans," says a distraught Roman Woronowjzz of the Ukraine Weekly. "He's, like, Ukraine's third-biggest player!" Wenger and Svennis - shame on you both.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
"We have looked for a solution and considered various alternatives. In the end we decided to tackle the root of all evil the players!" - Alois Hadamczik, the owner of Czech side Banik Ostrava, explains his decision to cut wages by more than 30%.
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DIAMOND STRIFE
Why is Citizen Fiver sitting in the corner with jets of steam shooting from his socialist lugs? Because he's bloody livid, that's why. But why is he so jolly baity? Because poor Steve Archibald - who took control of bankruptcy-threatened Airdrie in the summer with a view to saving the club - was today locked out of his own ground by bloodthirsty capitalists, sorry, provisional liquidators KPMG after only three months in the job.
Citizen's cage became well and truly rattled when Archibald turned up for work this morning to find that KPMG had positioned burly security thugs to ensure he couldn't get in. "We have an agreement to pay KPMG a certain amount a month and that allows us to operate this club," the former Barcelona striker explained. "I think the reason for what has happened today is that there is a dispute over the funds. They require £40,000 and I'm saying it should be £25,000 - not because I want to say £25,000, but we have got a budget here."
Surprisingly, Archibald was allowed to take away his personal effects - after all, the liquidators could have fetched a few quid for those down the pawn shop. So to the wails of Airdire fans and Citizen Fiver, a sorrowful Archibald made his announcement: "It could well be over now." Happy now, KPMG?
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THE RUMOUR MILL
Taribo West has been in discussions with Derby County over a move to Pride Park.
Aston Villa's search for a striker has led them to PSV's Finnish international Joonas Kolkka. If the £7m-rated 26-year-old did sign, he would become the third ex-PSV forward, after Luc Nilis and Gilles de Bilde, to move to Villa Park.
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NEWS IN BRIEF
George Graham has insisted he will stay at Tottenham, despite mounting criticism of his record at the club. "I'm very determined to put things right here," he told a press conference today. Graham also admitted that he had flown to the continent on Wednesday to look at new players. "We are short of five or six quality players and if we can get them in we will," he said. "I have been abroad looking at players and if the right one becomes available I will make an effort to get them and I am sure the money will be found."
Graham also said he would resist pressure to bring in the youngsters - citing supporter hostility towards him and the team. "I am tempted to put the kids in but given the circumstances at the moment, the red-hot atmosphere could kill them and their confidence," he said.
Leicester have unveiled plans for a new 32,000-seater stadium, on the day they announced pre-tax profits of £1m. The Foxes hope to move to a £35m state-of-the-art facility after acquiring a 22-acre site at Freeman's Wharf, half a mile from their current base. This morning the club were boosted by financial results for the year to 31 July 2000 which showed a marked recovery from a loss of £6.2m the previous year.
Spanish international striker Kiko has been put up for sale by Atletico Madrid. The 28-year-old, who has been with Jesus Gil's club for 8 years, would cost £20m.
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TONIGHT'S TV AND RADIO
ITV: World Football (3.15am) The latest news from Not England.
Channel 5: Jonathan Pearce's Football Night (11.45pm) A night in with a big fat man whose mouth is always open. Some folk would pay ready money for that.
BBC Choice: 45 Minutes (8pm) This week, Shovell from M People interviews Marco Delvecchio. And if you think that's a scoop, next week sees Hristo Stoichkov quizzed by H from Steps.
Sky Sports 1: Football League Review (6.30pm) Only three hours until the McCaff phone-in we all love!
Fifa TV (7pm) Just over a couple of hours to go now, and what better way to fill in time before spending an enjoyable hour with McCaff?
Spanish Football (9.30pm, 1am) Hold on what the eff is this? Where the hell's You're On Sky Sports?!?
Sky Sports 3: Classic World Cup Football (10pm) WHERE IN GOD'S NAME IS McCAFF??!!!?????
British Eurosport: World Cup Football (10.15pm) [The Fiver begins to panic, looks around maniacally]
Football (11.15pm) [The Fiver keels over, babbling incoherently about braces and coffee]