Monkey goes to the RTS Cambridge convention
Jacko hits out at Haim...
Former Channel 4 boss Michael Jackson's future as head of Vivendi Universal's US TV business is already uncertain, following the deal between Vivendi and General Electric to merge the operation with GE's NBC. So Jacko should perhaps have bitten his tongue rather than deliver a wisecrack about American media entrepreneur Haim Saban's outburst about alleged anti-Israeli bias in British TV news at the Royal Television Society Cambridge convention. But in the closing session at the convention, when Jackson was asked if he thought allowing US ownership of ITV was a good thing, he responded that he did not think who owns what is significant. "But I would ban all Israelis." Michael, it may have been a joke, but it's a dangerous game to play if you want to carry on working in the US media ... or maybe you don't?
...but is saved in the nick of Times
It was a lucky escape for Jacko - the Sunday Times was preparing to run a story but decided against for some unknown reason. You should be thankful Michael, very thankful. You could have been the new Dixie Chicks.
Thompson twinned with BBC job
But in the end it's all irrelevant cos Jacko has ruled himself categorically out of the running for BBC director general once Greg Dyke decides to clear off. Would he be interested? "Absolutely not," he said. "I don't want to stand in Mark Thompson's way."
Wicked whisper
Which former ITV executive was seen leaving the broadcaster's bash in a marquee on the lawn at Kings College on Friday night, only to relieve himself against the wall of the nearest college building? "I may be a bit low rent, but even I've never pissed on a medieval building," was the comment from one TV industry insider.
Wicked whisper no 2
Which high-flying BBC executive (aren't they all?) told Guardian Unlimited boss Emily Bell that the reason she spent so much time on BBC websites was "because yours is so shit". This is the kind of sophisticated thinking that the BBC needs to improve on if it is to emerged unscathed from the government's review of BBC online.
ITV seems ahead of the marquee
The marquee was a surprise addition to the convention, which usually holds its drinks receptions in the grotty student bar of Kings College. But Monkey has learned the marquee shouldn't have been there at all. "It was booked because Granada and Carlton thought that it would be a way to celebrate their merger." Nothing like counting your chickens...
Higham turns rivals Green with envy
Speaking of Carlton, Michael Green gave an inadvertent farewell gift to Nick Higham, the BBC reporter who is quitting his job as a media correspondent. It was his last outing with the media pack and Green was in such effusive form about the merger he agreed to break a habit of a lifetime and talk on the record to the press. "It was an historic occasion," an aide told a Monkey aide who helped persuade Mr Green to talk to the nation. "He has never ever done a TV interview before."
RTS puts on its own Muppet show
Along with lots of gizmos paid for by main event sponsors the BBC, the RTS Cambridge convention even had its very own Statler and Waldorf - for non Muppets fans, that's the two old buffers who sat in a box taking the mickey out of the show. In Cambridge, this role was taken by media strategy consultants Mathew Horsman and Janice Hughes and investment banker Anthony Fry, who were perched on a balcony above the main hall where the delegates sat. Every now and then a spotlight would shine upwards for some words of wisdom - but somehow that image of the Muppets just got stronger every time a word was uttered from the Gods.
Steve's peeved by name game
Former Granada boss Steve Morrison is looking for a new name for his TV company - the one that he just bought off Chrysalis. "It needs to be a generic name. I thought of Alhambra, because it's the best thing in Granada." Unfortunately for Morrison it's a wisecrack that won't work - the name has already been taken.
Prize for best corpsing on stage Speaking after the dinners at the convention has regularly proved a career graveyard both for budding TV executives and presenters. Perhaps it is something to do with the dark, solemn surroundings of the Kings College dining hall and having TV's finest squeezed together on uncomfortable benches at the tables. Speakers including Dr David Starkey and Malcolm Bradbury have gone down like the proverbial bucket of cold sick over the years. And then there has been the odd jinx. As PR supremo Roy Addison observed on Thursday night, there has been a long history of jinxes - Greg Dyke did a marvellous speech about how great Pearson TV was and then quit the next day. Rory Bremner did a hilarious speech - hilarious for those who hadn't heard the exact same speech two weeks earlier at the Edinburgh TV Festival and then there was the unfortunate sod who had to be cancelled because of September 11. This time it was poor Clive Anderson's turn to commit professional suicide before an audience of people that could have resurrected his flagging TV career...
Clive takes a dive
...Clive Anderson made the mistake of trying to be serious, instead of funny - although some people thought he thought he was actually trying to be funny. He started with a rapid (and popular) attack on the man from Disney, John Hardie, who admittedly did make a rather corporate introduction to Anderson. "That's certainly the longest introduction I've ever had, certainly the worst!" "You would have been better when you were with Laurel." Then he turned to the meal. "The dinner was a bit like Disney - a bit bland, a it too much and you feel sick at the end." Which was kind compared to the things that delegates were saying about your speech afterwards Clive. The whole ordeal was so excruciating for both speaker and audience - those that stayed awake and in the room, at least - that RTS president Will Wyatt was moved to close the event the following day with these final words to delegates: "You've got just two years to think about who's going to do the after dinner speech at the RTS Cambridge convention in 2005." At least Clive comes away with the knowledge that he's £6,000 richer - and he's still got BBC4 show What If? to fall back on.