Character on the couch: #3 Count Dracula
Psychiatrist: Good evening, your excellency. How are you feeling today?
Count Dracula: Not too bad. Tired, though. I haven't been getting the sustenance I need.
P: What sort of sustenance is that?
D: Blood. I haven't been getting much, which is why I'm a little bit run-down.
P: Like pig's blood?
D: No, no. Human, preferably female, and as fresh as possible. Actually, it doesn't have to be female, but I prefer it.
P: I see. So, you approach women and say, "This may sound funny but ..."
D: No, no no. I just attack them and bite them in the neck. I don't want to talk to them. I just need their blood.
P: Do they protest?
D: No, not much. They don't know what's going on.
P: When did this all start?
D: (laughing) Oh, years ago. Way before your time.
P: Like in the 80s?
D: No no no, hundreds of years ago.
P: Right. And does this tiredness make it difficult to get up in the morning?
D: No. I just sleep all day.
P: Ah yes, often a sign of depression.
D: But I like to be out at night, in the dark. I like to wear dark and to be dark.
P: Why is that?
D: It's a form of self-expression.
P: And what do you do at night? Hang around Camden tube station? Listen to the Cure?
D: I prefer Marilyn Manson, but I do lots of other stuff, too. Look for people to suck on, mostly.
P: And do you have friends who share your interests?
D: No. I'm quite happy to be antisocial. I don't talk to anybody.
P: You mentioned a number of phobias in our previous session. The sign of the cross, and garlic, was it?
D: Ugh, yeah. Horrible.
P: Are they still bothering you?
D: No, I've pretty much learned how to control that now. By staying away from them altogether.
P: Good. There may be issues with negative reinforcement there, but we can confront those later.
D: Must we?
P: I'm afraid so. Also, I am required to contact your GP if I think you might pose a danger to yourself or others.
D: Well I'm not a danger to myself.
P: Mmm. And how about others?
D: Well, yeah.
P: That's what I may have to mention.
D: You'd better watch it, Doctor.
· Dracula was played today by David Paul Kierce, who is appearing in the role at Milton Keynes Theatre (01908 606090) until Saturday, then touring. The psychiatrist was played by Leo Benedictus