Guardian Unlimited's alternative Oscars
Best "We Done Good" Award
Let's be honest, this was not a vintage year for the Brits. Thus we're left raising a desultory glass to the refined Janty Yates (who knocked up the costumes for Gladiator), and harking back to the former glories of legendary cinematographer Jack Cardiff. Ah well... maybe next year.
The Gwyneth Paltrow award for the most emotional acceptance speech
It can only be Julia Roberts, whose acceptance speech was one long hyperventilation ("I love it here! I love the world!"). The trouble is that the world and his wife already knew that Jules was a shoo-in for the best actress Oscar. Her sheer shell-shocked surprise marks her out as an actress of remarkable talent.
The most ungracious loser award
On the one hand you had Kate Hudson, flashing a brittle little smile that didn't stray anywhere near her eyes. On the other you had Ridley Scott, who appeared to be chewing on an angry wasp. In the end Ridley just nips it. It takes age and experience to glower as impressively as that.
The ubiquity award
With last year's runaway winner Jack Nicholson notable by his absence, the award falls to Catherine Zeta-Jones. Despite missing out on a nomination, Zee-Jay still managed to hog centre stage outside the auditorium and then grab a seat in the front row, all but blocking out the bona-fide contenders seated behind her. Such celebrity manoeuvring requires a rare guile and genius.
The best film you've never heard of award
The ironically tagged Everybody Famous. From Belgium. Not coming soon to a cinema near you. Chances are its makers would have trouble telling you what it's about.
The James Cameron 'King of the World' award
A tough call, this. True, the producers of Gladiator managed a few gung-ho moments. But none took the stage with quite the same flourish as the venerable Dino De Laurentiis, opening up with a heavyweight-champ salute before sinking into a supremely self-aggrandising speech. Small wonder this is the man who counts Conan the Barbarian among his numerous film credits.
The where-was-your-stylist? award
Oscar 2001 was annoyingly short of style crimes this year. OK, so Ashley Judd managed a fair approximation of an ant with her scraped-back hair, while Juliette Binoche's flapper-style headgear and multiple strands of pearls that seemed to be making a bid to escape left us bemused at best. But the nod must go to dishevelled presenter Winona Ryder, whose tousled blond locks made it look as if she'd arrived after crawling through a privet hedge.
The d'oh award
No contest. Presenting the award for best original song, Goldie Hawn appeared captivated by her own ineptitude in reading her lines. Seated in the audience, daughter Kate Hudson whooped indulgently. The rest must have wished they had a few rotten eggs handy.
The you-were-robbed award
OK, so you've got Cameron Crowe's complacent, rose-tinted script for Almost Famous and Ken Lonergan's rich, textured, truthful screenplay for You Can Count on Me. Which do you hand the Oscar to? The Academy voters should take reading lessons.
The best Steve Martin gag
"The police have found a suspect in the plot to kidnap Russell Crowe," quipped the Oscar night host. "Tom Hanks, you should be ashamed of yourself." A funny line, and weirdly prophetic - Hanks did indeed go on to lose out to his Gladiator rival. Had Crowe been chained up somewhere, the night might have panned out rather differently.
The worst Steve Martin gag
A ribald line about Russell Crowe "hitting on" sixty-something nominee Ellen Burstyn went down like the veritable lead balloon. Crowe's face radiated such thunder that one worried that Martin was about to be asked outside.
Related links
Minute by minute coverage of the night
Duncan Campbell reports live from LA
Peace, love and understanding the Academy Xan Brooks weighs up this year's winners and losers
Oscar fashion: The winners and losers
Quotes from the 73rd Academy Awards
Picture galleries
The red carpet - watch the stars arrive
Inside the ceremony
The winners backstage after the show
Oscar fashion picture gallery