What to do when it all goes wrong – tips for dealing with failure
My name’s Siobhan and I’m a failure. During the course of my life I’ve failed exams and first-school choir auditions (that one still stings) and high school hockey team try-outs. I’ve lost a book deal, lost in love and lost out on a coveted job. I’ve dropped out of uni and been made redundant and left a failed marriage. But not only am I still here to tell the tale, I consider myself to be one of the happiest people I know because I’ve learned what to do when it all goes wrong and how to move on – and this in turn has led to some amazing successes.
When I wrote my new novel, The Moonlight Dreamers, I wanted to encourage others to dare to dream, but I also wanted to look at what to do when things don’t work out the way we might have hoped. Because that’s real life, isn’t it? We don’t always get what we want – at least, not first time round.
What follows is my guide to what to do when things go wrong and how sometimes – oftentimes – failure can be a blessing in disguise.
1. Be nice to yourself
Often, when things go wrong, it’s a cue to start berating yourself. You use the failure as evidence that you’re stupid or worthless or not good enough. And of course, this only makes you feel a million times worse. If this is you, stop. Take a moment to think about how you’d support a friend through the setback you’ve experienced. Then do the same for yourself. Buy yourself an uplifting book. Watch an inspirational video. Treat yourself to some comfort in cake form. The nicer you are to yourself in the immediate aftermath of a setback, the sooner you will bounce back.
You might need cake, like this dog (who really did end up eating this cake kindly invented by a Japanese pastry chef to be suitable for dogs and humans). Photograph: Yuya Shino/REUTERS
2. Allow yourself to be sad
It’s important to acknowledge your feelings. When things go wrong allow yourself to feel angry, sad, disappointed. If you try to smother these feelings beneath a false bravado they’ll only bubble up even bigger and stronger another day. Get them out straight away. Write about how you feel, or tell a close friend. Only by getting it off your chest will you truly be able to move on.
3. Remind yourself that everyone fails
When things go wrong it can be all too easy to slip into self-pity with, why does this always happen to me? playing on a loop inside your head. This can be exacerbated when we watch our friends’ or celebrities’ carefully edited show-reels of their #blessed lives on social media. Failure can feel even more painful in the spotlight of another’s perfection. But nobody’s lives are perfect. Everyone messes up. Everyone fails. Everyone has bad things happen to them at some point. An example of this which really inspired me when I was starting out as a writer was J K Rowling, famously rejected by 12 publishers before finding a home for Harry Potter. What if she’d given up after rejection number one … or 11? Everyone fails, but the successful people are the ones who pick themselves up again and carry on.
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4. Look for the lesson
In my experience there is always a lesson to be found in failure. When Thomas Edison was asked how he felt about repeatedly failing to design a working lightbulb he replied: “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” Edison learned from his mistakes and eventually he found success. How could you learn from the setback you’ve experienced? What lessons are there to be learned?
5. What is now possible because you failed?
Hindsight is a great thing. So often, when I look back on things that happened in my life that seemed like a disaster at the time, I end up being grateful that they happened because they paved the way for something far better. When I was dropped by my first publisher – back when I was writing for adults – I was devastated. But that failure became the catalyst for me to start writing for young adults, which in turn led to me achieving success beyond my wildest dreams, such as winning a national book award and having books go to auction. Now, I feel nothing but gratitude that my writing career for adults ended. If you’ve just suffered a major disappointment try projecting yourself forward in time and ask yourself what better alternatives this could end up offering you. Could the redundancy lead to a better job? Could the break-up lead to your one true love? Could the exam failure lead you down a more exciting, entrepreneurial path?
Siobhan Curham: Everyone fails, but the successful people are the ones who pick themselves up again and carry on. Photograph: PR
6. At least you did something
Every time we put ourselves out there in some way, we open ourselves up to the possibility of failure. Every time we sit an exam or try out for a team or write a book or compose a piece of music, or ask someone out on a date or try to make a new friend we are vulnerable to things going wrong. Life is a failure mine-field BUT … if we don’t ever risk failure we’ll never achieve anything. The comfort zone can be a really dull place if you stay there too long. So, if you’ve tried and failed recently, feel proud of yourself for trying. And keep on trying, learning the lessons along the way.
7. See failure as a step closer to success, not a step back
Once, when I was trying to get established as a writer, I sent out about 20 queries to papers and magazines, pitching for work. Only one of those 20 queries resulted in a job – meaning I had 19 failures. But that one success landed me a weekly newspaper column for two years. So often, success is a numbers game. If you’ve just experienced a failure of some kind, don’t see it as a step back, learn the lessons and see it as a step forward, moving you closer to success.
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8. Use your dreams to re-energise you
A life without dreams is like crawling through a dark tunnel with no light at the end – especially when things have just gone wrong. One of the best ways to rediscover your mojo is to get focused on your dreams. Take some time out to visualise your perfect day. Where would you be? What would you be doing? Who would you be with? Write it all down, paying attention to detail. How would this dream life make you feel? Enjoy revelling in these feelings as you dream. I did this exercise at a really low point in my life and it was a crucial first step in making my way back to happiness. Visualising my perfect day gave me something to aim for. It gave me hope.
9. No longer fear failure
Hopefully, by now, you should be starting to see that failure isn’t something to be feared. It happens and it happens to everyone – the real question is how you deal with it. Use this insight to feel more confident and prepared as you go about your life and chase your dreams. Let me give you an example. Recently, I tried out for a screen-writing job. I really, really want this job and I know I’ll be gutted if I don’t get it. But I also know that I’ll bounce back quickly because of everything I now know about failure. I’ll focus on the lessons I’ve learned, such as how to format a script and write sharper dialogue. I’ll ask myself what this failure might pave the way for – a bigger and better writing job…? I’ll feel proud of myself for pushing myself out of my comfort zone and trying. I’ll set myself a new goal. I’ll move on.
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10. Acknowledge when things go wrong
In our perfection-obsessed, results-driven society it can be all too easy to want to hide away in shame when things go wrong. Or, even worse, pretend like everything is wonderful. We post Fakebook updates dotted with smiley-faced emoticons, while inside we’re dying. And of course all that does is perpetuate the myth to others that no-one ever fails. I’ll admit, part of me was cringing when I wrote the opening paragraph to this piece. But owning up to my school and career and relationship failures felt liberating too. Every time I’ve blogged about things going wrong in my life I’ve got a fantastic response from readers, it’s like a collective sigh of relief. We’re not alone in our failures and I think we owe it to each other to be more honest about that fact. Let’s celebrate our imperfections and let’s keep on daring to dream, safe in the knowledge that really, there’s no such thing as “failing” – only learning and growing and living.
Siobhan Curham’s book Moonlight Dreamers is available from The Guardian bookshop.