Ulysses, Captain Milkshake, and American Beauty
IRELAND MOLLIFIED AFTER BLOOMING IN JAPAN
To commemorate the Republic of Ireland's dramatic 1-1 draw with Germany today, we render the match report in the style of the final chapter of Ulysses:
Yes because he never did a thing like that before certainly not at the World Cup finals anyway Robbie Keane scored in the last minute of injury time after the lads had gone down to an early Miroslav Klose goal O he got on the end of a ball which had come floating from the boot of Steve Finnan and had been headed down by Blazes Boylan or was it Niall Quinn yes I think it must be Niall because I met Blazes this afternoon while Leopold was having a quick tug on the beach anyway Niall headed it into the path of Robbie and the ball was smashed over the onrushing Oliver Kahn and the net billowed and I thought well as well this goal as another and Mick McCarthy must have thought the same because he said brilliant we've given ourselves a chance haven't we and then he said that he was glad for Quinny that he got involved O and Mick's Irish team have one foot in the next round now and whenever I think about it I could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes
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BIG BECKS V
3.33am. Emile wakes up sweating after a nightmare involving Teddy Sheringham. Attempts to psychoanalyse the situation end after 30 seconds when Emile realises he's lost valuable electrolytes in his sleep and heads for the fridge.
3.34am. Emile's electrolyte problem is solved. Hmm, sports drinks.
9.13am. Big Brother informs the house that Argentina captain Roberto Ayala, who missed his side's match against Nigeria after pulling a thigh muscle, will not be fit to face England. Emile, who's now experiencing the Mother of All Comedowns, decides against leading a rousing chorus of 'Let's go down the disco!"
10.22am. The team gathers around to watch Sven-Goran Eriksson talk live to the BBC. Sven reaffirms that England were useless against Sweden but insists they are "trying to sort things out" on the training pitch.
10.23am. Eriksson is then asked whether he will change his team for Friday's match against Argentina. He replies: "We might do some changes but I will decide that on Friday morning or lunchtime."
10.24am. Talk of lunchtime makes Emile feel peckish. Hmm, chicken stew with rice, beans and peas.
10.25am. Emile's thoughts of food temporarily abate when Sven is asked about his performance on the left. "Heskey on left gave us a lot of good things and at the end he played as a striker and had one chance, half a good chance, and missed it. Let us see on Friday if we are going to change something."
10.26am. Emile is confused. Will he play or won't he? Decides to end confusion by having a milkshake. Hmm, milkshake.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
"I can buy you, I can buy your house, and your family. You were a dickhead player and you're the same as a coach."
Slovenia playmaker Zlatko Zahovic lets his boss, coach Srecko Katancec, know who's boss. Roy Keane, anyone?
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A GREAT DAY FOR US SOCCER
Another day, another World Cup fairytale. A plucky little nation with no footballing pedigree who play with a smile on their faces and only came to Korea/Japan sponsored by Mastercard 2002 World Cup to take holiday snaps and swap shirts with the stars have put three goals past a highly fancied European team of lavishly-paid professionals.
Footballing minnows the United States stunned the rest of the world and stirred several of their own sports fans by taking a three-goal lead against Portugal. Despite Jeff 'the Goose' Agoos then sweetly striking in one of the finest own goals ever to grace the World Cup, the happy-go-lucky Americans - little-known, but renowned for their strength and natural athleticism - gallantly clung on to beat Figo, Rui Costa et al 3-2. Landon Donovan and DaMarcus Beasley, two 20-year-olds who could only dream about a future in football civilisation after growing up the wrong side of the Atlantic, were outstanding.
The Fiver doesn't know much, but there is bound to be dancing in the streets of Los Angeles this evening as easy-going but proud American people - who also have great natural rhythm - celebrate the strange sport of soccer alongside last night's ice hockey results and the Twins thrashing of the Cleveland Indians in the baseball league.
And before the courageous underdogs are eaten alive by the South Koreans next Monday, let's hope the short-lived US success revitalises the country's struggling economy. The US is only the richest nation on the planet, with 280m people and two-and-a-half times as much space for football pitches as Western Europe after all.
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THE RUMOUR MILL
Celtic are chasing Greek international defender Panyiotis Fyssas. The versatile 28-year-old can play anywhere across the back.
Sunderland could lose two of their World Cup men - Thomas Sorensen is a £10m target for Barcelona, while Aston Villa are willing to pay £4m for Kevin Kilbane. No, really.
Italian under-21 striker Massimo Maccarone will visit Teesside tomorrow to talk to Middlesbrough. The 22-year-old Empoli striker could join for £8.5m - if he likes the facilities enough.
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NEWS IN BRIEF
Nigeria's Jay Jay Okocha is unlikely to move to Bolton after Sam Allardyce said he had talked to the player but could not meet his wage demands.
Lee Bowyer's solicitor has said the Leeds midfielder will not change his mind about leaving the club. Bowyer has 12 months left on his contract.
Out-of-contract Norwich midfielder Phil Mulryne has signed a new three-year deal, ending months of speculation over his future. The highly-regarded Northern Ireland international was widely expected to leave after the Canaries lost the First Division playoff final to Birmingham.
Former Argentina international Sergio Berti has agreed to help Livingston's first foray into Europe. The 33-year-old midfielder - who converted one of Argentina's penalties in their shoot-out victory over England in 1998 - will join the Scottish Premier League club for pre-season training in June according to Livingston chairman Dominic Keane.
French coach Roger Lemerre will leave it to Zinedine Zidane to decide if he is fit enough to face Uruguay in tomorrow's crucial World Cup game. "He himself knows how he is," said Lemerre. "If he wants to play it is up to him."
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TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
BBC1: Match of the Day: World Cup 2002 (7pm) Extra footage of eye-bulging bemusement from Mick McCarthy.
ITV1: World Cup 2002 (10.20pm) With the help of an interpreter, German players offer hints on how to slap flat the grass in your front garden.
ITV1: World Cup 2002 (1.25am) Watch Mick for more tips on how to keep your eyes open at this late hour.
Channel 5: Live Major League Baseball (12.20am) Forget about the World Premier League National Soccer Championships in Asia-Pacific for a minute and catch America's global game.
Radio 5 Live: World Cup Sport On 5 (7pm) Listen to the sweet sound of popping eyes and grass being slapped in anger.
Radio 5 Live: World Cup Interactive (8pm) Your chance to swivel Mick's eyes in the direction of play and pop them out on stalks.