Character on the couch
Each week we subject one of drama's great personalities to psychoanalysis. Today Santa, appearing in Snow! The Musical, is played by Anthony Clegg. The analyst is Leo Benedictus.
Good morning, Santa. How has your week been?
What's it got to do with you?
Well, I am your analyst. Busy. I've been very busy scheming and planning.
I see, and what have you been planning?
I want it to be Christmas every day of the year. Think about it: every single day unwrapping presents, every single day worshipping me.
Why would you like people to worship you all the time?
It makes me feel special, all warm inside. (Evil laughter) Power is everything, power is all. I enjoy the feeling of being in command.
So what exactly do you intend?
Oh, I've begun. I've killed the Easter bunny. I broke its freaking neck. Snapped it.
I see. Do you feel threatened by all the other festivals?
I don't feel threatened by them at all - I just don't want there to be any other days of the year. So I'm going to wipe them out. Nobody loves them anyway.
Do people love you?
Absolutely.
Might they love you less if you murder St Patrick and Guy Fawkes and the rest of them?
No. People are stupid.
OK. You talked a lot about the elves in our last session. What do these elves look like?
Little pointy ears. They wear green. Stupid.
Do they talk to you?
Yes. They ask me what I want from them.
And what do you say?
Work! Work! I make them wrap presents, but I give them time off to fornicate.
I see.
There's little else to do at the North Pole.
You've also mentioned reindeer in the past, about being surrounded by them. Does that still happen?
Of course. They're vile, foul creatures.
Do they talk as well?
Yes, indeed.
What do the reindeer say to you?
Gobbledygook. I feel like they're talking behind my back sometimes. I can feel them all scheming.
Mmm. Do you think other people can see the elves and the reindeer? Can you see them?
I can't right now, no.
So maybe they exist only for you.
They exist where they exist.
I see. I'm afraid our time is up now. Merry Christmas.
Yes.
· Snow! The Musical is at the Sound Theatre, London W1, until January 9. Box office: 0870 890 0503.