Dealing with divorce at work: what we can all learn from Gwyneth Paltrow
In case you've missed the hundreds of column inches attached to it, this week actress Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin, the lead singer in Coldplay, announced their "conscious uncoupling". They have been married for ten years, which by Hollywood standards is pretty good going. What caught everyone's attention, however, was the manner in which the couple made their announcement - they chose to post on Paltrow's popular website, Goop.
While this probably isn't how most couples would announce their split, divorce is an emotional roller coaster and when you are going through such a difficult time, it is a good idea to let others around you know what is happening in your life.
It is understandable that most people wince at the idea of having to dissect their failed relationships with friends and close family members, let alone their bosses and colleagues but you would be surprised at how many people have been there themselves: either a divorce, a bitter break-up or battles over children. Most businesses will take this information on board and help you cope with the situation.
Divorce is akin to bereavement, so expect to go through all the stages before coming to accept the loss. You will feel shocked and you will experience disbelief and anger, alongside a range of other intense and hostile emotions including for some, overwhelming feelings of guilt and for others, of failure. I usually advise clients to write off a year. Tell yourself it is going to be a tough spell: if you hope for the best but expect the worst, at least you are prepared for whatever is to come.
It is important to maintain some stability in your life but also to make sure your work suffers as little as possible. Many entrepreneurs who go through divorce report that their businesses are affected. Professionals such as lawyers, accountants, doctors, and dentists will sometimes tell me they are so distressed, they cannot work as well as they do usually. Mistakes can often be made, which can be dangerous for any workplace.
In other countries it isn't unusual for somebody going through a divorce, or struggling with a bad break-up, to be given leave to deal with their new circumstances. Here in the UK, however, we are far more inclined to bottle up our emotions, to press on and to approach the working day as a welcome distraction. This isn't always the best solution – for anyone.
If you're going through this personally the best thing you can do is be open about it. I have noticed that employers seem to be more understanding than they used to be. Some will offer leave, others simply leeway.
Depression can often be a by-product of divorce. If you are diagnosed with it, remember that it is your employer's responsibility to allow you time off to seek medical assistance. And remember too: you aren't the first person – and you certainly won't be the last person – to go through this.
Let others help you, that goes for your colleagues, as well as professional support services. I have observed that when clients do so, the results can be swift and dramatic. When you are able to lean on those around you and can put your worries into perspective and into proportion, the cold, hard legalities of divorce will become less daunting.
Marilyn Stowe is senior partner at Stowe Family Law. You can follow the firm on Twitter @stowefamilylaw
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