No: 1539 Andreas Whittam Smith
Aka:
Age: 62, but you wouldn't want to be kicking sand in his face.
Why, tough, is he? Tough? Tough!? Have you seen the latest statistics from the Notting Hill Gate health club?
No, what with Ireland, the Chechen conflict, Emma Thompson's baby, they seem to have passed me by. Well, Andreas, founder of the Independent, president of the British Board of Film Censors and all round big brain, likes nothing better than pumping iron in his spare time.
What, rippling pecs, bulging deltoids, rock-like abs? The lot. Andreas (that's Mr Whittam Smith to you) has come top of 1,500 members at his local health club for "most weights lifted in one month" and third in the key "most hours spent exercising" category.
Golly, those other censors at the film board won't want to get on the wrong side of him. Quite. When Andreas says he's going to give a certificate to A Clockwork Orange, he's gonna give a certificate to A Clockwork Orange, got it?
I hear there's interest in making a film of his exploits. If this is a cheap attempt at getting in a joke about censoring his own breast shots, I'm not interested.
Damn, you saw right through me. Wasn't difficult.
Apart from agreeing to release Stanley Kubrick's film and his gargantuan muscles, what else is Andreas well known for? He used to be known as Saint Andreas. Not any more. Within three months of taking up his post as chief cinema censor he had nodded through the new film of Lolita and also licensed Kissed, about necrophilia, on video. Not bad going for the son of an Anglican clergyman from Birkenhead.
Also famous for: His signature, seen at the beginning of every film showing.
Do say: How are the squat thrusts/ bench presses/leg curls going?
Don't say: Fancy a fight?