Ronseal: what does it have to do with the coalition?
Age: About 60.
Can't you be more precise? No. Its corporate history is knotty. First produced in the 1950s by a Brighton-based company called Ronuk. Now an American-owned corporate behemoth.
What is it? A range of wood preservatives, varnishes and waxes. Much loved by people with sheds and a taste for decking.
You're being rather vague. Apologies. It's not my usual beat. I cover politics.
Don't Ronseal do wall-fillers too? I'm sure my father-in-law swears by Ronseal Triple Action Basecoat. Quite possibly.
Hold on, let me call him. [Longish pause – feel free to make a cup of tea for dramatic purposes.]
Yes, he says it's marvellous. He also recommends Ronseal Big Hole Smooth Finish Filler. I'm sure it's wonderful, but I'm afraid I'm not interested. I'm in the lobby, you see.
Then you probably need Ronseal Diamond Hard Varnish or perhaps Ron ... WILL YOU SHUT UP! This is not a column about DIY. It's about POLITICS.
Temper, temper. Do it your way then. Thank you. David Cameron, in relaunching the coalition this week, said "It's not a marriage, it's a Ronseal deal. It does what it says on the tin." So it's being tagged the "Ronseal relaunch". That's all I wanted to say.
Was he thinking about Ronseal Furniture Reviver or the Super Flexible Wood Primer and Undercoat? I honestly don't think he had a specific product in mind. He just wanted to use the company's catchline. He likes to quote ads. It makes people think he watches ITV rather than attend hunt balls and country suppers.
Calm down, dear. I am calm now.
No, that was the other ad he quoted – from the Michael Winner insurance commercials. Ah yes, well remembered.
What's next, I wonder. Your flexible friend? Suggests indecisiveness.
Naughty but nice? Too risque. I can't see Eric Pickles using it.
Vorsprung durch Technik? Ukip would have a field day.
Hand-built by robots? That's it! You've summed up coalition policy in one.
Not to be confused with: Ronnie Wood.
Don't say: "You forgot to mention Ronseal's grouting treatments."
Do say: "Don't be vague. Ask for Hague."