Tips on coping with sacking people feature in this week's work news
Lights! Camera! Email! Action! You're in the movies. Yes, you. Forget Tom Cruise crawling over buildings and hanging out of planes – in 2009 the art of cinema is all about Tom Cruise working in an office and doing his shopping (and not any fancy Scientology shopping either. We're talking pat-your-left-bum-cheek Asda shopping).
Joe Bloggs, my friends, is Hollywood's response to the recession. That's right: an industry stuffed to the gills with directors, producers and actors who have never seen the inside of an office, has cottoned on to the unstoppable excitement of the everyday life. But then if you live in a mansion in Malibu, I guess working out the quickest way to hide your Facebook page when the boss walks by counts as escapism.
Away from the heady atmosphere favoured by the cineastes, reality bites. An anonymous supplicant asks The Globe and Mail what to do when sacking people means that everyone else in the office hates you. It's a tricky situation to manage, so thank goodness that consultant Bruce Sandy has the answer: get everyone to pretend that the people you sacked have died.
"Design a remembrance or recognition ceremony to honour the terminated staff members … Ask people to come prepared to share stories, recognize the contributions of and express their wishes for those who left ... Ask those who remain to think of a symbol of remembrance for departed staff and place it in the company office or garden."
I feel I have to remind you at this point that I don't make this stuff up. Really. I think we need to hear more from Mr Sandy and if you make the suggestions, I will make sure that all questions are put to him. I reckon we should start with something on making preparations for swine flu. I bet he suggests lighting a candle for the sadly infected.
Moving on, I'd like to point out that this column knows its place: content to nip at the heels of those more worthy and sensible than ourselves, we turn to the Goliaths of the intellectual world to ask the work questions that really matter. This week, Edwina Currie wondered: should women receive equal pay? Her answer? Of course not, you boobies! With razor-sharp logic, Currie argues that as first women aren't as ambitious as men, and second actually prefer to stay at home and bring up babies, ergo, they shouldn't expect to be paid as much (for doing the same job, mind) as men. It's true, of course: who's ever thought of Edwina Currie as ambitious?
Lastly, are you sitting down? I've some rather surprising news to impart. Holidays are – and this is going to knock your for six – holidays are "important for workers". I know! Whodathunkit! Actually, "essential graduate careers website" Gradlink thunkit, reporting that taking a break from the workplace can help employees be more productive and that taking just a few days away from the office can make all the difference. Do you know what? I think the chaps at Gradlink need a holiday.