Character on the couch: #5: King Henry VIII
Each week we subject one of drama's great personalities to psychoanalysis. Today King Henry VIII is played by Keith Allen. The psychiatrist is Leo Benedictus.
Psychiatrist: Good afternoon, your majesty. How are you today?
King Henry VIII: (Lies down on the couch and lights a cigarette.) Get on with it.
P: How has your week been?
K: Fucking dreadful. I was presented with a painting that made my new wife, Anne of Cleves, look like a beautiful princess. Instead she is the ugliest fucker I've ever seen. Heads will roll.
P: I'm sensing a lot of anger. This will be your fourth marriage. Does that frustrate you?
K: Marriage is a politically arranged situation. I just look for the best deal I can get. (Puffs on his cigarette.) Do you understand how hard it is to be a king? The amount of sex I'm expected to have is hell. The only thing I enjoy is going hunting with the boys.
P: What is it you enjoy about that?
K: I like the company of men, I like drinking, and I like taking drugs. Men's company is effortless.
P: You've always been heterosexual?
K: No. Bisexual. We're all bisexual in the fucking court. I do as I please. (Tosses his cigarette butt over his shoulder.) Put your foot on that.
P: And you were excommunicated not long ago, of course.
K: Roman Catholics can take it up the arse! Religion! There's only one religion I'm interested in: mushrooms. I'd have everybody on fucking mushrooms. Perhaps they could be part of the holy communion in my new Church of England. Did you hear about that? Cromwell has deified me.
P: This pleases you.
K: Celebrity. I fucking love it!
P: But these people don't know the real Henry, do they?
K: Of course they don't. (Cackles.) God, I want some drugs.
P: Many people close to you have died, violently. Has this affected you?
K: Do I come across as unhappy?
P: I see the projection of a powerful ruler, but I wonder if inside there's just a frightened little boy. We'll see if you're feeling better next week.
K: If I'm not feeling better next week, you sure as hell won't be.
· Keith Allen is appearing as Henry VIII in Flanders Mare at Sound Theatre, London W1, until November 5. Box office: 0870 890 0503.