human
Days. Weeks. How long had it been since he'd gotten away? He'd never bothered to count. Days never mattered. Missions mattered. It was what he was alive for. To accomplish missions. And he'd failed. Boy, did he fail. Not only had he actually let Steve Rogers live, he'd saved him. Pulled him from the water instead of just letting him drown. But Steve Rogers, Captain America, had filled his head with so much doubt and confusion he began to feel. He'd never felt something... emotional before. Not even doubt. He'd been sure to his purpose. Always.
Until he'd been sent after Steve. And afterwards he couldn't return. Of course he couldn't return. They'd make sure to punish him for what he'd done, or failed to do. And now it was all falling apart. One had come for him. Told him it was time to return. He'd only meant to knock the man out but he knew he'd killed him. He didn't want them getting that close again. So he stayed on the move.
The longer he stayed away, no guidance or whispered words, missions or direction, the more confused he became. He'd gone to the museum, the pictures and words of the Captain America exhibit had made sense. They collaborated with his memories, no matter how broken the memories were he knew he was this James Barnes. Bucky. But he didn't remember being him.
Captain America had been coming after him too. But the star spangled captain had no idea Bucky wasn't two steps ahead, he was one step behind. He close. He needed answers. He needed direction. Everything was tearing at him, he couldn't focus but the good ol'Captain would help him out. He had the plan, he just needed to execute it. And he had to catch him alone. Sometimes he went running alone, when the sun was barely peeking over the horizon. He would strike then but the last few mornings the other man had been there.
He'd watched him, knew the route. Today he was alone. Today was the day.
Bucky waited. He had the advantage, they were equally matched hand to hand and he had to make this perfect. He inhaled slowly when he heard the heavy footfalls of a runner. Running faster than the average athlete. He exhaled as he stepped around the tree and threw his arm out, the metal slamming against the solid muscle of the Captain's chest. His other hand was grabbing Steve's wrist and his leg shifted as he projected the Captain forward, face-first into the ground. He dove forward, his knees pinning the other man's arms as he lent forward, his metal arm slipping around his throat and the other hand locking the arm there.
He held firm until he felt the tension and fight drain from the other before he stood, he quickly made sure Steve was still breathing before he hoisted him over his shoulder and moved quickly to the car he'd stole. He drove to the abandoned warehouse outside of the city limits, parked inside then carried the blonde to the furthest corner from the door. There was nothing there. Nothing he could use as weapon. He didn't bother to tie him up or handcuff him, they would do nothing to prevent him from escaping.
He grabbed an old chair and moved it to sit in front of Steve, waiting for him to wake. He had a gun resting on his thigh, a basic 9mm but it would work if he tried to get away. He was about fifteen feet away, gun in plain sight as his blue eyes stayed on the only man who could unlock his past.
gpt
Steve was a mess of confusion, of baffling emotions and emotions he did understand but couldn't figure out why he was feeling them. he wasn't sure what he would have done if it hadn't been for Sam. he'd never heard of PTSD before, not a surprise since it wasn't recognized as an honest mental disorder until the 1980's. he was working through it slowly, he didn't have it as bad as some of the men that Sam helped. Sam kept telling him that there was no 'level' to PTSD, there was no 'better or worse' but Steve knew he was doing better than most. he had shot men, he had killed and slaughtered on the battlefield, he had been frozen in ice, he remembered the feeling of the ice creeping over him while his lungs screamed for air. then he woke up in a hospital with a game he'd gone to playing on the radio and knew something was wrong, which had only made the trauma all the worse. the technology of the world, being betrayed by Brock, no. it was Rumlow now. Steve couldn't let himself think of that Hydra assassin as a friend anymore.
he shook his head and finished tying his shoes. he didn't want to think anymore. Shield was gone, the Avengers where scattered again, Tony was loosing his mind, Bruce was... somewhere in Rio last Steve had heard. Natasha was still hanging around somewhere. Phil was dead... Steve, as usual, felt his heart clench with guilt and shame when remembering Phil. all he had was Sam and the hunt for Bucky. Bucky who was never where Steve wanted him to be. when had that ever been a surprise though? Bucky had always been extremely independent, if he didn't want to be found Steve knew he would never really find him. but it wasn't like that, he did find Bucky, often. he'd catch him and then Bucky would slide away like water or an illusion. as if he was playing with Steve, mocking him, teasing him the wa he'd used to when they where kids. 'Hah! Steve, you can't catch me!' a voice from the past, they'd been all of ten back then, before they understood that tag was not an okay game to play while one of them was an asthmatic. he missed those days. he sighed, shook his head and had half a second to realize there was an arm, a metal arm right there before it was caving in his chest.
he felt a rib snap and his sternum crack, the bright flare of pain driving out any air that was left over from the impact. he was flying through the air, being attacked, struggling wildly against the arm wrapped around his neck, desperate for the gulp of air that wasn't coming. he was a super soldier, choking him out took longer than it did most people. he was too dizzy and panicked to wonder why the person holding him down wasn't getting tired while he bucked, arched and writhed before finally, finally going still, laying there with his mouth open, body gulping in fresh air even with his brain down for the count. he wouldn't stay out for long though, an hour at the most. an hour and a half if Bucky was really lucky. he was really lucky. Steve was out for an hour and twelve minutes exactly while his ribs and sternum healed and his brain recovered from the trauma of having no air. it made him dream of the ice. the cold, all encompassing ice. he jerked awake with a gasp, gulping in air, rolling to his feet and slamming into the nearest wall, protecting his beck, lifting his fists to protect his front and swinging at empty air, blinking several times in a desperate attempt to clear his vision, confused when he realized he hadn't been tied up, drugged or anything that most kidnappers did to try to keep him down.
"the hell?" Steve muttered, eyes scanning the room, landing on Bucky he went rigid, confused and rather hurt that the man he had trusted all of his life had tried to kill him. again. but no, if Bucky wanted him dead, he'd be dead. he'd been helpless after all, out cold. it would have taken a single bullet, maybe two. one in the heart, one in the head just to be sure. Steve had no doubt that a shot to the heart would kill him. he was tougher, not impervious. so, the question was.... what did Bucky want after all this time?
"Hey Buck." that's it, go for nonchalant while you completely freak out inside. doing great. "can i help you with something or did you just feel like hanging out?" well crap, there was the sarcastic sass he just couldn't help but use. oh well, it had never bothered Bucky in the past, maybe it wouldn't now.
human
Silently he watched the super soldier jerk awake and begin to become coherent. He didn't move, didn't react. He let the soldier do his thing, watching him intently, getting a feel for the other man. He'd never actually interrogated before, he wasn't needed for that. He just killed. But he didn't want to kill Steve. He wanted to be something different and to be that he had to figure out who he was.
He met Steve's eyes, held his gaze. Gave nothing away of what was going behind the scenes in that mucked up brain of his. Bucky kept watching, not answering Steve's questions right away. He thought it through. He struggled with words. He hadn't used them for so long, not like everyone else did anyway. He was trained to be efficient. Rambling didn't fall under efficient. It wasn't that he was stupid, it was just a struggle. And part of him was scared.
I need help, he stated, the scruff covering his chin had come in thick. It didn't grow when he was in stasis and it was shaved while he was waking up. It wasn't something he'd bothered with before and he wasn't starting when there was so much more going on. I want to know who I am. Who you think I am, he clarified. He stood from the chair and went to go grab another one. He brought it closer to Steve, set it down then backed away to sit on his own. He wasn't in much of a trusting state lately.
He holstered his gun before sitting again and motioned for Steve to take a seat. You're the only one alive who ever knew me before they did whatever it is they did to me, he reasoned and let out a sigh as he looked away from Steve. Words were so frustrating. He could say four words to relay adequate information to his handlers but this was just so different. The emotions and the memories, he wanted to just scream it all out and have it feel okay again. He'd managed before, apparently. So he could again.
He raked his fingers through his hair before returning his gaze to Steve. They erased him. Bucky. But I can still see his memories. Some of them. I want to be him again. Honesty, there it was. It made him sound weak but it got out what he needed Steve to know. Or he hoped it did.
gpt
Steve stared back at him, wondering if he was supposed to be intimidated? it wasn't working if that was Bucky's intentions, it might have worked if he was still small, for a few seconds. he had always been a bullheaded asshole though so even when he was small and sick all the time he had never really been intimidated by anyone save his mother. even then it was more fear of having his hide tanned or his drawing things taken away than fear of her, herself. one thing that was different was that he didn't seam to be able to tell what Bucky was thinking anymore. not that it had been hard back then. mostly what Bucky had thought about, in Steve's opinion, had been women and annoyance that Steve was i yet another fight. not all that hard to figure out what he was thinking when those where the dominating thoughts really. he could only stand there and stare at his best friend, now that he was actually paying attention, Bucky looked like shit.
"Help?" Steve asked, a little bit startled. he'd heard Bucky ask for help before, but he'd never heard an assassin ask for help. Clint, Natasha, even Fury. none of them ever asked for help. not ever. hell Fury had literally died and he hadn't even asked for help then. the one eyed bastard. so, this was somehow a mix of Bucky, but not really Bucky, and an assassin, who had somehow failed to be a proper assassin. it was kind of weird. still, Bucky was sitting, right there, asking for help. help that Steve could actually somewhat offer him. help that, what Steve couldn't give, his friend Sam could. they could help Bucky and fuck if Steve wasn't going to do everything he could to give his best friend that chance! he hesitated for a second before sitting down in the offered chair, watching Bucky sit back down, his head tilted.
"Bucky. i'm sorry." Steve admitted, the words echoing in his heart. he had said something similar to Sam. 'i just want to be who i used to be Sam' that was what he'd said. now he repeated Sam's words back to Bucky. "there is no being the man you once where. the Bucky i used to know, hasn't experienced all the hell and heartache you have experienced. you can't be Bucky from nineteen forty four anymore. you have to find a new balance and become someone new, someone you can be content being. trying to be the person you where? won't help you at all." he admitted. "i'd know better than anyone." because he'd tried, god had he tried so hard to be the perfect captain America instead of the fucked up soldier he really was. "you can't just shove everything that happened into a little box and pretend it didn't happen Buck. it's just not possible." he admitted, trying to be as soft and soothing as Sam was. he knew he was failing but he was trying his best.
"how about you come back to my house? it's a real nice place. you can meet my friend Sam. he's helped me through a lot of the problems your facing and he might even know the best way to help you get some of your memories back." he offered. "you really need a shower and a shave and you look like you could use some fresh clothes and a hot meal. i'll make you your favorite? well, it used to be your favorite." he admitted. "i have chocolate too. you know, chocolate costs a dollar seventy five now? but nearly every single person can afford it. it's really insane. and the moving pictures in the theaters? people have them in their homes now. they're called T.V.'s, short for Television." he admitted, smiling at James. "they have this thing called a microwave too. you cook things in it, like in an oven, but in a third of the time. it's amazing. you can make a full bowl of popcorn in less than a minute." he wasn't sure how much of that Bucky knew, but he knew it was pretty damn amazing. considering they had once been poor enough they didn't have even a stove. "come on. it'll be fun. i'll tell you stories about how you used to get me in trouble."
human
Every word Steve spoke Bucky clung to. He knew he couldn't be the man he'd been before. He didn't even know if he could be a functional human being at this point. But he wanted to. He wanted to not see fear in people's eyes when they looked at him. Steve was hitting all the right points though. He didn't know if he could be content with himself. Since Steve had woken something inside of him, he felt regret for what he'd done. During the attack at SHIELD he'd killed 15 people easily. On his own. Of people just trying to protect the good in the world. And that was only something he remembered. There was so much more he didn't remember, if he did, could he even live with himself?
Bucky leaned back against the chair, his spine loosing that rigidness. He was tired. So very tired. I know I can't be him. The man from 1944. They erased him, Bucky said. But I want to know who he was. Not from a wall his picture on it but from you. Cause you knew him, he pointed out. Content? He asked, more to himself, saying the word out loud made it seem even more impossible to achieve. I killed. A lot, he looked away from Steve. He'd reached out, more than reached out. He'd kidnapped Steve and now he was having trouble opening up.
Just spill. Spit it out. He's not a handler. Talk. Move your mouth and your vocal cords in tandem and let it out.
Bucky dropped his head back and ran a hand over his scruffy face before looking to Steve again and sighed once more. I'm tired. I don't want to have to keep looking over my shoulder for them. I don't want to have to sit in that chair and have my brain zapped until I can't remember anything except what's been integrated, he admitted and looked down. I don't know if I can be like you, I have no idea if I can fit in but I'd rather try to fit in than be Hydra's weapon again.
He hadn't known exactly what he wanted until the words were leaving his mouth. When Steve spoke again he looked to who was supposed to be his old friend and arched a brow at him. He knew what a TV was, he didn't know what chocolate tasted like and a microwave sounded dangerous. Moving pictures? Like a video? he asked, tilting his head, not sure what point the other was trying to make. But his whole life had been about completing missions as efficiently as possible. All the things Steve spoke of sounded unnecessary and not functional for a mission. Especially chocolate. It was a candy or something like that. He'd never had a need for it.
You're friend who works for the VA? Sam, he said, he hadn't known his name. The woman, with red hair. What's her name? He asked, sitting up. He couldn't deny the idea of a shower, shave and fresh clothes did sound nice. Fine, he said after a few moments and glanced at Steve as he stood. He was putting a lot of trust in the man he was supposed to kill, but then again, Steve welcoming him into his home was putting a lot of trust in Bucky.
gpt
Steve could only hope he was reaching Bucky. the man was closed up like a clam.there was no way he could read Bucky at this point, he'd had too much training, better than Natasha even was. she still had emotions that would come out if she was feeling relaxed, with Bucky... Steve had a feeling that they would have to teach Bucky how to express emotions again, maybe even how to feel them again. he was in way over his head. why couldn't Bucky have kidnapped Sam? at least Sam could be useful in this situation. helpful. Steve couldn't even figure out how to use a cellphone or his email correctly yet. what good was he in this kind of position? sure he could talk to Bucky like he'd used to, tell him stories about the good old days, but wouldn't that make it worse? he wanted his best friend back, yes, but the Bucky he'd once known was not the man he wanted. that man who was soft and fragile, who hadn't seen war and pain and didn't know what it felt like to have blood on his hands. that wasn't the real Bucky anymore. the guy sitting in front of him, broken into a million pieces, that was Bucky and Steve couldn't help him.
"nothing is erased forever." Steve admitted softly. "body always remembers, even when the brain doesn't." because even now, he moved carefully in the mornings getting out of bed, in case his scoliosis acted up. he always paused before running, wary of his asthma that no longer existed. was careful in fights until he remembered he wasn't small and weak anymore. nothing that most people would notice. Steve noticed though, and sometimes he hated himself for being weak, even when he wasn't anymore.
"yeah, i can tell you about him." Steve promised with a small smile. "sometimes i miss him." he admitted. "and then i remember he would have hated it here, would have hated who i became." he admitted. "Bucky from back then, he never would have settled here." Steve admitted before smiling at Bucky. "yes, content. you know, happy with who you are and where you are in life. have to admit, i haven't reached that point yet, but i'm getting there." he admitted before shaking his head. "you think i haven't? i've murdered, Bucky. that's what you have to do sometimes. i've killed women, children in the name of war and i've hurt them even now, in this day and age." just last week, he had to go and stop a sixteen year old boy who had bought into terrorism and had been trying to slaughter a lot of high rise officials. it had been some party that Steve had been invited to, not that he'd gone. rubbing elbows made him edgy and uncomfortable. he ended up going anyway because of the terror threat. kid had a bomb, a functioning one. Steve had made the choice and he regretted it now. okay, not really, but still, it had been a hard choice and he knew there would be even harder ones to come.
"then don't. your a strong man Bucky. stand up, defend yourself. they don't control you anymore. you proved that when you pulled me out of the water instead of letting me drown. you proved that time and time again when you let me catch glimpses of you instead of running back to them. your proving that right now, sitting here in front of me, asking for help. help you will have even if i have to break down doors and kidnap people myself." he promised. "i won't let them hurt you anymore. i won't let them have you." he promised. "you won't be a weapon ever again. over my cold dead body." he swore.
"yeah, moving pictures, videos. i was totally shocked, you know? they have moving screens everywhere now. it's actually considered weird if you don't have one in your house." he admitted. he hadn't had one in his house actually. well, apartment. he had done the 'creepy old man' thing and filled his apartment with old crap trying to cling to a place he could never have again. he had a TV ow though, Sam insisted. he liked the cartoons actually. Tom and Jerry was Steve's favorite, suitably violent without any blood or gore. sometimes Clint came over and they played war games on this little box that they put round disks in. he was getting pretty damn good even if he couldn't tell the difference between an X-box, a Wii or a Play-Station.
"Yeah. Sam Wilson. the Falcon. you kicked his ass on the Helli-carrier." he admitted with a grin. "Natasha. Natasha Romanoff. she kicked your ass on the bridge." he admitted with a chuckle. "she's the one who told me who you where. you know, before i realized you where Bucky." he admitted. "i have to admit, when she told me about the Winter Soldier, i thought she needed to be checked into a loony bin even more than i did." he admitted. "fine? you mean you'll come? really? i thought i was going to have to cajole some more." he admitted, standing up as well. "so." Steve said, looking around. "i have no idea where we are." he admitted with a sigh. "i'm going to have to call Sam to come pick us up. i hate D.C. it's so big and busy and no one gives anyone directions." he grumbled. Tony had repeatedly offered Steve a place at his... ugly, tower but Steve wanted to stay in D.C in the hopes that Bucky might show up. turns out he wasn't just being overly hopeful.
"let's see..." he stared at his phone for a moment, trying to remember before shrugging. Sam said he was supposed to go through the contacts list, he wasn't sure why. it was easier just to punch in the list of numbers he could actually remember than trying to find some list of contacts and figure out how to make a call from the name selected. "Sam! hey it's Steve. oh, right, yeah Caller I.D i know. it's being polite! listen i'm lost. no actually i was kidnapped this time. ahuh i'm fine. no it was Bucky who kidnapped me. yeah i know, like i said i'm not hurt. he's going to stay with me for a while and he could use some of your help. he's a bit more messed up than i am i think. look, can you just come pick me up and take me home? i'm hungry. yes i have the protein bars." Steve said, rolling his eyes even if he flushed a little, indicating he was lying and had, indeed, forgotten about the food he always had stashed on his person. "yeah see you in a bit." Steve had no idea how Wilson always found him even when Steve could never give directions but he did.
"want one?" he asked Bucky, offering the other a protein bar, peanut butter and chocolate. both things Steve and Bucky could ever have afforded back before they where frozen. "the serum that's in y body, the one that made me big and healthy and stuff, it means i need about five times the food of normal people because i burn through calories at an extreme rate. candy like this, helps a lot with that." he admitted, chewing on his bar. "and they taste pretty great too so it's kind of awesome." he admitted, opening a second bar and munching on that one too.
human
Bucky remained quiet as Steve called his friend, the one he'd attacked on the helli-carrier. He remembered him clearly. And the fight. He hadn't been wiped since before that event. He listened to the one-sided conversation, standing still and remaining silent. I have a car, he pointed out when the other man was off the phone. It was stolen so it was probably a good idea to leave it here. At least they wouldn't have cops following them as he hadn't been bothered to switch the plates or anything.
When he was offered a protein bar he only furrowed his brows as he shook his head. He hadn't mastered the art of solid food yet. He knew how to eat and he had eaten recently but he usually threw it up. He'd been on a liquid diet as the asset, or the winter soldier, or whatever they wanted to call him. He'd been woken, prepped, given some sort of drink and put on a mission. Then he'd been put on a mission. Once the mission was complete he was wiped, froze then the process was repeated. Usually...
Bucky watched Steve out of the corner of his eye as he ate another one of those bars. He'd seen some of his guards eating them, or at least stuff like them. Bars in wrappers. He could remember being on a table, poked and prodded while listening to those wrappers being crinkled and torn then crumpled up and tossed away. He clenched his fist as he heard the wrapper from Steve's bar. He looked at the other man and reminded himself where he was, what was happening. Things were going to change and he had to take steps to make sure it happened.
He'd tried to read up on himself once the news hit SHIELD and Hydra's secrets had all been leaked but his information wasn't there. Well, nothing about him as the winter soldier. There was plenty about James Buchanan Barnes. If he were honest he found the man boring. Mundane even. He was friends with Captain America, watched his ass when he weighed 80 pounds soaking wet. Then he was fighting the good fight and had apparently died. That was that. That was where Sergeant Barnes' story ended.
Steve? Bucky's head jerked towards the door as it creaked open and the other man, the winged man, Sam, stepped into the building. Hey there... you, Sam said since he saw Bucky before Steve and froze in his tracks. Oh, hey. Okay, he sighed when he saw Steve. Starting thinking this was a trap or something, he said and held his hands up when Buck arched a brow at him. Nothing against you man, it's just. Well, you being a master assassin and the last time I saw you, you kicked me off of a carrier. Miles high. After ripping off one of my wings. But uhh, no grudges right? He asked and held out a hand.
Bucky stared at him a moment, his brain gauging the situation. This protocol is unusual, he mumbled quietly and took Sam's hand in his own and gave it a shake. He pulled his hand free and gave it a look then diverted his gaze.
So uh, what's going on there? Why'd you look at your hand then look away? Sam asked, the counsellor in him unable to refrain from jumping on the action.
I've never touched another person without violence, Bucky answered easily. Sam just nodded and glanced at Steve, he noticed the wrappers.
Well, there'll be a lot more good touching to come, he said and clapped his hands together. That uh, sounded wrong. I haven't been in this situation ever so let's go, he said and looked to Steve. You remembered those after I reminded you of them, he stated, pointing from the wrappers to Steve as he headed towards the car.
You both speak a lot, he pointed out as his feet began to follow the other man, despite the hesitation he was feeling. He glanced to Steve, making sure he was following too before he climbed into the car and sat back in the seat.
Sam turned on some music as he drove, glancing in the rearview mirror periodically. He tried to catch Steve's eye a few times, he needed the man to know how he felt, he didn't think it was wise to bring an assassin home like a lost puppy. Especially a breed who's bite was most definitely worse than it's bark. He felt bad for James Barnes but Hydra had him for 70 plus years. It was a lot of work to undo and he worried about Steve.
Sam pulled up to Steve's place and put the vehicle in park. Alright, if you need anything you know how to reach me. I'll keep my phone nearby. Ya know, just in case, he said quietly and glanced at James who had his gaze lowered as he drummed his metal fingers against his knee.
I'll give you a few minutes to talk, Bucky said and climbed out of the car rather quickly.
Sam shifted in his seat and looked to Steve. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset him but he didn't know who you were last time he saw you. I'm just being cautious here, he defended himself quickly. But what I said stand. I'll have my phone close by in case you need anything.
gpt
Steve was completely unaware of what the wrappers where doing to Bucky, fortunately he unwrapped the bar and dropped it on the ground, minimizing the noise, gulping the bars down in fast, sharp bites. he ate six of them before he deemed himself done, or maybe that was because he ran out, he did save two for Bucky. he always saved something for Bucky. it was an ingrained habit from childhood. save something for Bucky, a piece of his mothers cake, a piece of the chocolate bar he managed to steal without anyone noticing, the dollar h'd found on the ground. the bullets for their guns, the bandages in his pocket, the whiskey in the bottle, the cigarettes they handed out to all the soldiers that Steve had never really liked the taste of. always save something fr Bucky, it was something he had done, even without Bucky being there. he had a feeling Sam had noticed, but no one else seamed to have.
Steve jerked as well, startled by the sudden call of his name, he had been lost in thought and hadn't noticed the other coming up. he hadn't responded to Bucky having a car, he had a feeling it wasn't really Bucky's. where would a Hydra assassin only recently free get a car? especially when said person had died in nineteen forty four. he smiled at Sam and moved over to him a little when the man paused and raised his hands. he could only imagine what was going through his friends head. 'Steve's gone mad, i'll have to have him admitted' or 'i am never going to forgive Steve for this' or maybe even 'if i run away now, maybe i'll still be alive in the morning'. well, Steve had always had an active imagination.
"hey Sam, thanks for coming to get me. sorry about the surprise, i was lost in thought, didn't hear you show up." he explained before sighing a little. he should have known Sm would be having trouble with this. Natasha was unlikely to like it much either and Ton was going to chew his ass out as soon as Natasha told him. he was decided though, Bucky was his brother, his best friend, they had been through everything together. he had to try, he had to help Bucky. he had to make the effort even if there was no hope because if he didn't, then it was like letting him fall off that train all over again. he couldn't let Bucky fall again, especially since he had long realized, he had survived crashing a plane and being frozen for seventy years. he would most likely have survived jumping after Bucky. he could have saved Bucky and he hadn't because he was a coward and a failure. he had to do this, for himself, just as much as it was for Bucky. he did feel bad for Sam though, having the man who'd tried to kill you, right there. he had a feeling Sam wasn't used to stuff like that the way Steve was.
"it's not Protocol, it's social interaction. it's a greeting." Steve corrected, worried now. Bucky couldn't even remember what a handshake was? Bucky was the master of handshakes, well, he'd used to be. he had been suave, popular, he had shaken so many hands in his life that it had become an ingrained habit. he'd even shaken the ladies hands, something most of them had been pleasantly surprised by. he tensed when he heard Bucky explain what he had been thinking about that handshake an he had to force himself to calm down. he didn't want Bucky to think that there was any danger.
"that did sound pretty bad Sam." Steve teased, chuckling. "i think you really need to look into getting laid if that's all you can think about in a time like this." it was nice to tease someone again. Sam would have fit in very well with the Commandos.
"i did not! i ate those before i called you!" Steve lied, blush spanning across his cheeks. he was a bad, bad liar. "we do talk a lot." Steve agreed with Bucky. "it's something we like to do. it's fun." he admitted, wondering just how bad his social interactions really where. how much had Bucky lost to those monsters? handshakes, hugs, even conversation? how in the world was he supposed to help Bucky? he crawled into the back seat with Bucky, watching his once best friend before looking up at the mirror, eyes catching Sam's. he saw the others worry and acknowledged it, but his baby blue eyes burned with determination. there would be no talking Steve out of this decision.
"Thanks Sam." Steve said, smiling at him. he felt a bit bad for Sam too. he didn't want to slight Sam's friendship just because he had his old best friend back. he was going to have to do something nice to make it up to him. take him out drinking or something, Steve couldn't get Drunk but Sam was pretty fun when he was drunk. plus, he had an entire phone full of blackmail material, once he'd figured out how to take pictures anyway. he had yet to admit that he couldn't figure out how to find those pictures though.
"okay." Steve agreed, watching Bucky leave. "i don't think he's upset, i think he just didn't like that he wasn't the one driving." he admitted. "he knows who i am. he asked me for help. i can't not help him Sam, i... he took care of me, my whole life, it's my turn to take care of him now. i can't just give up n him because he's broken. i'm broken too, you know? i'm shattered inside and if i just give up on him without ever trying i'll never be able to forgive myself. it might not work, i might not be able to hlp, he might not be able to recover but i have to try, Sam. i have to try." he said, looking at Sam with wet eyes and his hands curled into trembling fists. heart slamming in his chest because he knew that this was going to be a long, hard road. even worse than fighting Hydra with a handful of people, worse than lingering in back alleys picking fights to prove he didn't need Bucky to always save him, worse than laying in a bed, wondering if that was what dying felt like.
"i'll call you if anything at all happens. i promise. i know your worried, but he can't do much to permanently hurt me anymore. if he gets violent, or breaks down or whatever i'll call you immediately. i won't take unnecessary risks and i won't be stupid about it." he promised, eve doing the three fingered Boyscout salute. Steve always kept his promises, he was a weird guy like that. "it's going to be fine." he tried to reassure the other before he slipped out of the car and headed for his little house. Ton had bought it for him. it was one of the most secure houses in the world. it was a cute little white house with blue accents. there was a little white picket fence around the property and a large flower garden all around the property and along the house. it was adorable really. the American flag perched high on it's pole, flapping in the wind and Steve headed up to the gate, swinging it open and motioning Bucky to follow. "Come on inside." he offered, pausing at the door to press his thumb to the middle of the doorknob, a small panel on the wall flipping over to reveal a punch pad that Steve tapped a code into. "i'll add your thumbprint to the reader." Steve promised. "and the code is 2637411." Steve explained when the door released with a soft puff. the inside was as quaint as the outside was. it was a good mix of modern and nineteen forties decor. comfortable and not too overwhelming for a man who had only just started to accept that he was in a new Era.
"Make yourself at home."
human
Sam didn't know if Steve's words were more for himself or really for Sam but he knew Steve could handle himself. Physically. But he also knew Steve was emotionally involved to a point where if Bucky did something, Steve may not make the right decision. Or he wouldn't be able to make the tough decisions. And if Bucky did open up, he worried about the effect it would have on Steve's mental health. Both of them had been through so much that Sam was not really qualified for but then again, nobody was really qualified for what Captain America and the winter soldier had been through.
Hey man, he called you. He even looks different. Everything will work out. But you need to know he's going to need time. Don't push him too much. He's not the same guy. He may never be. You need to know that before this all starts, Sam urged. He couldn't have his friend going out and getting himself excited to have James Barnes back when all they'd get was his body and someone new.
Well maybe two together is what you need to get better, he said and returned Steve's salute and watched them both get into the house before driving off. He felt alright leaving Steve with Buck after seeing him. The guy didn't have that murderous, mechanical look in his eyes anymore. And he didn't hold himself the same way he did either. He wasn't vulnerable but he didn't look ready to attack either.
The code was integrated to memory. He eyed the flowers. They seemed wrong, in a way. But they seemed fitting too. It seemed odd for a super soldier to live in such a quaint home. The word seemed foreign in thought. Home. It was a place to feel safe, surrounded by love. Foreign. He was used to ice, cold, violence. But it was never home. Home he said the word, letting it roll of his tongue, trying it on for size.
Concept is foreign, he mumbled and slid his hat from his head as he looked around. He glanced down at his boots and knelt to unlace them before he slid them off. He stood and unzipped his hoodie, his eyes still taking in what would be serving as his lodgings for now. Hopefully as long as Steve would have him there. Or until he was capable of assimilating. Being a human once more. Something more than a weapon. A thing trained to analyze and kill. He had a name, now he wanted to belong to it.
He caught sight of himself in the mirror and touched his face, he really did need to shave. Steve had been right when he said he needed a shave. And he was sure he was overdue for a shower as well. He glanced around and hung up his hoodie then set his hat on top of it. He nudged his boots to the side, out of the way.
I think I should have that shower you were talking about, he said with a slow nod of his head, he didn't exactly stink but he wasn't fresh either. He'd bathed but it had been quick. Not exactly thorough. And his beard was coming in thick and getting longer than he'd preferred. It wasn't at a proper, functional length.
Bucky wasn't stupid, he wasn't incompetent either. He knew how things works. He knew the basics of most modern electronics on a need to know basis. If he was woken for information retrieval then he would clear the way for whoever was to access computers but if said person was injured or killed, the components and how to hack were integrated. It was a hub of information he didn't know how to access. It was like riding about. He couldn't explain it, he just knew how to do it.
But human interaction. He was informed but many of it didn't make sense. It seemed so... unneeded. A waste of time. Smiling even felt wrong. Why use a muscle group for smiling when there was no tactical relevance to the action? But he knew he could do it. He saw himself doing it before Hydra scrapped everything human about him out.
He took his time in the bathroom after getting the ins and outs from Steve. He shaved and his face felt cold even under the hot spray of the shower. He cleaned himself thoroughly under the scorching water, his skin turning a darker shade of pink under the heat. He felt sanitized afterwards.
When he was finished he dried and wrapped the towel around his waist. The clothes he'd been wearing needed a wash as well so he gathered them out and stepped out of the bathroom. He could hear Steve in another room and walked silently through the hallway to find him. Can I borrow some clothes? Until these are clean? He asked, lifting the dark clothing he'd been wearing.
gpt
"He does look different. more human this time. he's still really mechanic though, like those creepy robots Tony keeps around." Steve admitted with a sigh. "i know Sam. i know he can never be the same as he was. i told him that too, the same thing you told me. about how i could never be who i used to be." he admitted. "he wants to be Bucky again, asked me to tell him about himself but i'm not sure if that would actually help him or not. i'll try a few of the more calm stories. maybe about how he used to dance with my Ma or something." he muttered. "i don't want him to try forcing himself to be the person he used to be." he admitted. "i tried that already. it didn't nd well." he grumbled. honestly if the events of D.C. hadn't happened, if he'd never met Sam, who knew if he'd have manged to stay out of depression. he had been sinking into it as it was when he started running, trying to drown his problems. it would have been a huge mess if he hadn't found Sam.
"Yeah, Home. for however long you need." he promised James with a smile. "i know how you feel. it took me a long time to understand the concept of home again myself." he admitted. "adjusting was really hard for me. i can't imagine what i would have done if i hadn't met Sam. he really helped me adjust to my new life." he admitted. the inside was really very comfortable. full of fluffy furniture and dark woods. there was still a few things that Steve didn't want to give up, like his Gramophone. though, people didn't call it that anymore. it was 'record player' now. it was in the corner of the living room ext to a bookshelf full of his favorite records. mostly it was swing and jazz but he had some blues in there too. he did have some more modern music available too, he particularly liked the Beach Boys and the Beatles and he thought Madonna, Cindi Laupner and a few others where pretty nice too. Tony had even gotten him into Imagine Dragons, ACDC and Nickleback, though he didn't have the more modern music because he hadn't gotten around to getting a CD player yet.
"yeah you definitely need one." Steve agreed to Bucky's shower idea. while Bucky didn't stink, Steve knew from personal experience a shower could be very cleansing. he showed Bucky into the nicely modern bathroom. bigger than what Steve really needed but there was no arguing with Tony. there was a huge bathtub on one wall and a very nice standing shower in the corner. Steve would never admit it, but he loved filling the bathtub with bubbles and soaking in it. or bath fizzies, or bath salts, or any number of 'womanly habits' as Natasha called them. he had all of his 'girly' things well hidden, Bucky might find them but Steve doubted the other would be curious enough to go poking around for a while. he set out the soap and shampoo and handed him a towel and wash rag promising they could go to the store and get Bucky his own bath supplies once the other was feeling better.
another thing he owned that he refused to give up was his straight razor and the things that went with it. the Hone, the Strop, the shaving brush and even the little tin of shaving cream that one had to whip themselves and then brush onto their face with the brush. he couldn't stand using those flimsy little 'safety razors' that where 'safer'. sure they where safer but they didn't work worth a damn! even if he did have several men's safety razors for when Ton or Sam came to stay the night. he left Bucky alone in the shower and headed into his bedroom to find some of his smaller clothes that would fit Bucky a little better. he'd have to call Tony and see about using the others card to buy Bucky some much needed things. Bucky was going to need a whole new wardrobe, personal effects, toiletries and probably a medical check too.
when James spoke Steve jerked in surprise and yelped when his head connected to something hard. he staggered out of his closet, clutching his head before grinning sheepishly at Bucky. "yes! of course! sorry i meant to have some set out for you but i got distracted." he admitted. "here. this stuff should fit you a little better." he admitted, indicating the pile on the bed. "i'll take you shopping once you feel ready for clothes and shoes and your own shaving kit and stuff." he promised. "i'll wash that stuff too. i can work a washing machine now. Natasha taught me." he admitted with a grin. he'd been washing his clothes by hand previously, he had to admit, the washing machine was a lot more efficient, even if he didn't think they got as clean as when he did them by hand.
"you feel better?" he asked the other, slipping out the door so that Bucky could get dressed in privacy. "i have some hot soup on the stove for you. some toasted cheese too." in the nineteen twenties, when processed bread and cheese became nice and cheep, it was common to have 'open faced' grilled cheese sandwiches that where called toasted cheese or melted cheese sandwiches. Steve had often lived off of them because he and his mother had been rather poor. it had been a staple of his diet and something he often had when he was feeling upset or nostalgic.
human
Bucky looked to the pile of clothes on the bed and walked over to it. He picked up a pair of sweat pants and moved the material between his fingers, his brows furrowed as he thought. These are softer than what I wore before, he pointed out. It had always been jeans and protective gear or nothing. He was being naked when a whole medical team was poking and prodding at him while guards stood near by after a mission. Or when he woke from stasis. He would spend the first few hours in the buff, his vitals and muscles being checked over before he was briefed and sent out to a mission.
Yes, he answered simply and watched the other leave the room and looked down at the clothes again. He wasn't sure why the other had left him alone but knew the medical team and guards were never naked around him so it was logical it was something they only expected of him. He dropped the towel and pulled the pants on then a long sleeved shirt.
I haven't eaten solid food yet, he said in way of warning and stepped over to the door and looked at Steve. I throw up when I eat solid food. My stomach is not used to it, he pointed out. He glanced down at his clothes then looked at Steve. There was a small pinch behind his left eye, a sensation he'd become accustomed to when he'd remember something. It would be a phrase, a picture, a name. Sometimes it made no sense and sometimes it was like he got a whole year of his life back. Or a single mission. He hated the missions. He felt littered with guilt afterwards.
Clothes are too big, he sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. He didn't mean on him, or on Steve. But it was something he felt like he had to say. He inhaled sharply through his nose and got a good whiff of Steve. Part of his brain remembered how he smelt before the war while another part of his brain registered how different he smelt. He stepped away from the doorway and went to sit on the bed.
The memory came back like a movie. It was dark and the room stank of medical cleanliness but there was an underlying heaviness of mold or something. He could hear his own voice, chanting something. He didn't know what exactly. His eyes couldn't see very clearly either. It was all blurry. He remembered a scrawny little blonde, he was scrappy. You got big, his slurry voice said in the memory.
Bucky shook his head. You were small before... before something happened, he clenched his jaw, the headache was backing off now, thankfully. The movie memories seemed to hurt his brain the most. But it had been so long without being wiped they were coming more often now. Scrappy, he said and ran his hands over his face, the metal of his left arm still warm from the shower.
What kind of soup? He asked after a few moments, he wasn't used to dwelling on his memories, he didn't have anyone to help him sort it out afterwards. No way of making sense of what he'd seen and it would usually leave him frustrated and more confused. Until he found a computer, typed in a general idea of what he'd seen. Usually he did that for assassinations. Figure out who it was he'd killed. And hope they'd done things in their life which made their death almost like justice. But it was rare.
Hydra was the bad apple. The poison spreading their disease to others and he'd helped them by eliminating good people. He understood how and why, his hands had acted without knowledge or the ability to make his own decisions but it had still been his hands to rob people of their lives and he was going to have to find a way to live with that.
gpt
"they're sweatpants. made out of cotton instead of... actually i'm not sure what Jeans are made out of." he admitted. "some sort of tougher material, maybe it is cotton? i don't know." he shrugged. "they're really comfortable at any rate so feel free to wear anything you want. i have a few jeans in there too for you and some shorts too." he explained, completely unaware of Bucky's thought process. how was Steve to know that Bucky was used to being naked? not that Steve was much better. when one lived in the slums, you shared bathing space with others. he had no shower in his own home, instead he had gone to the local bath house to wash up. during the army, there was no privacy at all. none whatsoever. you dressed, ate, slept and even masturbated in the company of other men always. Steve had never had much for modesty to be honest but he had enough to know that others where uncomfortable being naked around other people usually.
you haven't... what!?" he demanded, shocked. "they had you on a liquid diet?" he demanded, fidgeting unhappily. he had to, just HAD to get Bucky to a doctor now. who knew what kind of horrible, horrible injuries or diseases Bucky might have being so ill treated! who to call? Bruce would probably be the most trusted, but he was always going on about how he wasn't that kind of doctor. maybe Bruce could recommend someone though? he would have to figure out how to text the mean green scientist. or he'd text Tony, he knew how to text Tony and Tony always knew where Bruce was. he'd get Bruce down here to look Bucky over and if Bruce couldn't do anything then he'd get Bruce to recommend a doctor they could trust, maybe someone from the X-Men or from the Fantastic Four? they had to have doctors too right?
"Sorry, they're all i got. i'll ask Sam to bring over some of his stuff, you might fit in those a little better." he decided, not realizing that wasn't what Bucky was talking about, how could he? sometimes he wished he was like those psychic mutants. just read Bucky's, or Tony's, or even Natasha ad Sam's minds to know what they where really thinking. what they where really feeling.
"Oh! yeah." Steve was a bit startled by the sudden comment and smiled at Bucky. "i was in the Rebirth Project." he explained. "i was chosen by a German Jewish Scientist who had escaped the camps because of the way i thought. he didn't want another Red Skull or another Bully with that kind of Power. i was small, weak, and a sarcastic little shit but i was always defending other people so he picked me." he admitted. "i was one twenty soaking wet when i went in, and two fifty bone dry on my way out. it was pretty odd getting used to it." he admitted. "i still wake up sometimes, thinking i have to be careful of my scoliosis, or have to take it easy in case my asthma picks up. i still avoid spicy food in case the ulcers act up and... well, it's all habit i guess. habit that i do without thinking about because i've done it for so long that my body does it without thinking about it." he admitted. "i was, and i'm quoting Howard Stark here, 'like an angry Chihuahua chewing at the hems of pants'... i nearly punched him for that." and then he remembered he was big and could actually hurt someone and didn't.
"Tomato." Steve admitted. "a big pot of it. you can eat what you want." he promised, fidgeting before heading back to the kitchen, pausing long enough to make sure Bucky was following him. he quickly set out two bowls, ones with Iron Man faces inside of them, making Steve mutter about egotistical genius's with too much money and way, way too much time on their hands. muttering about 'where the hell did his blue pattern plates go?' he was distracted for about five minutes trying to find his normal plate-ware before giving up. Tony had clearly removed them from the kitchen, the asshole. he poured in a thick ladle full of soup for Bucky and for himself and settled down to watch Bucky eat.
"so, i'm not sure how well your going to take this, but i want to call a friend of mine for a doctor recommendation." he admitted. "i want someone to come in and give you a full team, who knows what kind of horrible things might be going on in your body after what Hydra put you through. you could have Scurvy for all we know!" Scurvy, malnutrition and other such things where fairly common during the great depression, the severe lack of food to go around meant that a lot of people suffered some pretty serious problems. because they couldn't see doctors, most of the time those problems turned into death.
"Let me call in a doctor. we'll have them join us here, or we'll go to Tony's Tower or something. i think you'd like Tony, he's not nearly as annoying as Howard was." he admitted. "i don't like the idea of you getting sick when a simple doctor visit could prevent it." he admitted, staring at Bucky, unable to help himself. he was worried about his best friend. he didn't want Bucky to get sick because those fucking Hydra bastards hadn't had the sense to take care of their best soldier.
human
He was surprised by Steve's reaction to the fact he'd been on a liquid diet. I was never active long enough to require solid food. Sustenance through liquid protein and vitamin compounds were enough for me to finish my missions, he said with a shrug. It was no big deal to him really. It hadn't mattered at the time. Weapons didn't need the luxuries most people were accustomed to.
I like them. They're comfortable. I'm just not used to wearing stuff like this. If I didn't have my gear on then I was generally unclothed, he said and looked to Steve. I'm not... I'm not used to being with people. As a person. To them I was weapon. A... a thing. Not a person. And I didn't know I wasn't a person. When I got away, he brushed his fingers through his wet hair, thinking on how to word what he wanted to say. When I got away it was like... the longer I went without being wiped the more I realized I wasn't an it, I was a he, he frowned and looked to Steve. Does that make sense? He shook his head, not sure if it did but he thought it might.
He sat in front of the bowl Steve hadn't and looked down at the red liquid. It was liquid but he was used to pure vitamins and proteins in liquid form. Not an actual food made for taste or whatever people ate this stuff for. He picked up the spoon and got some of the tomato soup into the spoon before lifted it to smell it and poked it with his tongue to give it a taste. He nodded and put the spoon in his mouth, he swallowed down the bit in his mouth then flicked his eyes towards Steve when the other man began to speak.
I trust you, he said once he'd finished talking. I don't have scurvy. Or much going on inside of my body, he said and began to stir the spoon slowly in the soup, watching the way it moved around the utensil. They had to keep me in fighting shape. And whatever they did to me before you rescued me when I was with the 107th... it's what kept me alive after I fell. And it makes me heal faster. Keeps me from getting sick apparently too, he shrugged. I dunno much about it though, didn't ask. Didn't need to know, he said with a quick arch of a brow then ate another bit of soup.
Bucky lifted his gaze again when Steve mentioned Howard Stark's name. He lowered his gaze quickly and took another mouthful of the soup before he cleared his throat. I killed him. Howard, he said quietly and set his spoon down, he leaned back in the seat, looking everywhere but at Steve. He swallowed and pursed his lips before he shifted and flicked his gaze quickly towards Steve.
He chewed at the inside of his lip for a moment. You can call a doctor if you still want to. Or I can leave. I don't remember Howard, not really. Just bits and pieces sort of. From before. But I found some of my files. My assassinations. I remember some like I'm watching a movie. Like it's not actually my eyes I'm seeing it through, he said and began to move the spoon through the soup again.
gpt
Steve felt the almost irresistible urge to smash something. he wanted to go into another room and tear it to shreds and scream until his hands where bloody and his throat hurt. Sam said that wasn't conductive to healing though and he was pretty sure that would scare Bucky so he struggled to keep himself calm and contained. how could they force Bucky on some sort of, of slime diet?! Bucky, HIS Bucky living off of what sounded like protein shakes and I.V's. that was not okay, not at all, he was going to be finding what remained of Hydra and he was going to make sure they never, ever became a threat ever again because if they ever got their hands on another person, if they came for Bucky or tried to make a new Winter Soldier, Steve would not be able to stop himself from snapping. it was hard enough keeping himself from screaming a people as it was. the twenty first century was entirely populated by assholes, dirty teenagers, foul language and nudity. Steve barely managed to work up the courage to watch TV sometimes, though he did like How it's Made and the history channel sometimes. there where times when he just hated the new century he had found himself in.
"they made you walk around naked?" Steve asked, shocked. had they sexually abused Bucky? how did he even ask without bringing up horrible memories?! god he was not good at this at all. "well you can wear whatever you want now. we'll go shopping once your ready and we'll get you a whole new wardrobe and some toiletries and anything else you need or want." he promised, frowning when he heard Bucky talking like he was a thing. well, he supposed that's all he was to Hydra. a thing, something to be used. "it makes sense." he promised the other, swallowing thickly. "it makes perfect sense. the longer your away, the more you remember. whatever they did to your head must be temporary for the most part." he mused. "but, that's a good thing right? it means you can choose to be the kind of person you want to be now. even if you don't know who or what that is yet, you have all the time you need to decide for yourself." control was something he doubted James had much of in the last seventy years. control over himself, options to choose from, decisions he could make on his own. maybe he'd feel better knowing that no one else could ever do that again. maybe. he still wasn't any good at this.
Steve had to bite back the urge to grin, the way Bucky tasted the soup before he stuck it in his mouth. like a little kid uncertain about the new food he was trying. still, Buck was eating the food and that was what mattered. it was real food, the first James had apparently eaten in years. how horrible was that? if there was one thing Steve did love about the modern era it was the lack of Polio and the eating options. he wasn't sure what Curry actually was, but he loved it. and those Chinese noddle things and the Greek salads and yogurts and just, everything. he made sure to go out at least once a week and find something new to eat. just a few days ago he had tried Sushi. he wasn't a fan but he'd tried it. maybe he could get Bucky to go with him next time and they'd try different soups, like egg drop, whatever that was, or Bouillabaisse, whatever that was. maybe sweet and sour soup? which sounded kind of gross and looked even worse if Steve was being honest. okay maybe they'd pass on the soup and see if they couldn't get Bucky eating more solid food before going out and trying new things.
"i'm sorry Bucky bit I really don't think your the best judge on how your body is doing right now. you just told me you've been living on an all liquid diet for upwards of at least three years, possibly seventy, and that you've been frozen repeatedly. i don't think Hydra cares if you where sick or not so long as the symptoms didn't stop you from fighting. you could have all kinds of weird things going wrong with you and they wouldn't care because they are evil, horrible, god awful bastards." he admitted, watching James. "besides, the Serum doesn't stop you from getting sick Bucky. it just hides the effects of it. i'm sick all the time, colds mostly because i still need to keep my immune system working. or something. i don't really understand how it works." he admitted. "just because you don't feel sick, doesn't mean that you aren't." he admitted. "the Doctor i go to, when i need one, Bruce Banner, he's the only guy i know with any real experience with the Serum. just don't poke him or anything, he tends to get... testy." he warned.
he studied the other, worried again. Bucky had killed Howard?! well Jesus. he was going to have all kinds of problems when he remembered who Howard was. "i'm calling a doctor." he assured Bucky. "you can't leave, not when i finally got you back. stay as long as you want to, as long as you need to. please?" he asked the other, reaching over and setting his hand over Bucky's, not gripping, he wasn't sure the other would appreciate being restrained even if that wasn't Steve's intention. "i know this is going to be hard for you James. i know this is a horrible thing to go through, but we can get through it, together. it wasn't your fualt that all those people died, not really. they turned you inside out, they erased everything inside of you that mattered and made you who you where. you didn't have a mind when you where with them, you didn't have the ability to tell right from wrong, or even know you could protest or fight back. your a victim too, and i want you to get the help you need, the help you deserve, okay?" he asked, hoping that Bucky wouldn't leave. Lord knew where the man might end up, on the streets? dead in a gutter? back in the hands of Hydra?! not gonna happen. at the same time, Steve didn't want to force Bucky to stay either.
"Eat your Soup." he ordered. "i'm going to call Tony. i can never remember Bruce's number." he admitted, punching in Tony's number manually because he hated trying to go into the contacts list. he never did it right and it took him a dozen tries. "Tony! Hey! no i wasn't kidnapped stop over reacting." Steve lied. "listen, i need a favor, can you give Bruce a call? i have a friend here who needs a complete physical. he's probably got like, Scurvy or something." he admitted. "oh, er, you want to know who it is? well, funny story that, see... i may have found Bucky. well, he found me-" even James could hear Tony's 'Are you out of your mind!?' Steve had to yank the phone away from his ear. "Tony, i'm not talking to you if your going to yell." he warned. "you know my ears are more sensitive than most." he complained, grinning a little when Tony immediately went a little softer in his voice. "come on Tony, he's my best friend, it's not his fault. your not stalking around blaming Barton for trying to kill all of us now are you?" he demanded. "...no i am not moving into the Tower just because i found Bucky, he's not a science project Tony i don't care how much you hate that his arm is not your technology. fine, fine, okay! Jesus Tony okay i'll ask him!" Steve said, yanking the phone away from his ear and pressing the bridge of his nose. "god i hate him when he hasn't slept, i'm getting a migraine. yes Tony, i know you heard that... Tony wants to know if you, and i'm quoting here 'want a totally more kickass metal arm of doom because that crap your using is totally uncool'... please, don't punch Tony in the face." he asked Bucky, looking both amused and exasperated. dealing with Tony was always a chore. he didn't know how the Agents did it twenty four seven.
human
Steve was right. Bucky wasn't the best judge of what was going on in his body but he didn't want to think about the possibility of being sick. He got pneumonia once after a mission, they'd been in the Arctic and an explosion has cracked the ice then Bucky'd fallen through. He hadn't said anything after pulling himself up and the Hydra agents only noticed when his bionic arm froze solid and malfunction. The mask had covered his blue lips and skin as he'd worked to complete the mission. By the time they'd returned to base his lungs had filled with fluid while his flesh fingers had turned white with frostbite. The pain... it felt as though it was going to end him. And they'd shoved a tube down his throat, it hurt too but not near as much as many other things he'd experienced. Bucky didn't like the idea of something like that happening again but as he looked across the table at Steve, he felt the blonde man wouldn't let it happen. If you trust them it's okay, Bucky put another spoonful of soup into his mouth rather then add what he was thinking which would have come out along the lines 'if he doesn't listen or hurts me I'll snap his neck in two'.
While the pneumonia wasn't really a sickness so much of a side-effect from an extreme circumstance Bucky had thought the serum kept him healthy but the IV he was given while with Hydra had been composed of immune system boosters along with large amounts of vitamins and proteins which is what kept him healthy.
He didn't recognize the name. He hadn't been too concerned with the other members of the Avengers. But he was new to this century, in a way. And Steve was better adjusted to a point. Bucky's eyes shot down to his hand when Steve covered it with his own and resisted the urge to pull away. Nobody touched him without the intent to hurt and it was a very strange sensation. I'll stay, he agreed. The way Steve said they'd get through this together and made him really believe. For so long he'd wanted to believe he could be something more than just the asset. A weapon. And now he did. Just because of a few words from an old friend he didn't remember. He wished he could talk as much as Steve was but it still felt so unnatural to speak so much.
Bucky ate a few more mouthfuls of soup as he watched Steve with the cellphone and listened to the, mostly, one-sided conversation. He perked up a bit at the idea of getting rid of his metal. It's a part of Hydra. Yes, he said quickly without much thought. The arm, to him, was an abomination. It was created by Hydra to enhance his abilities, make him deadlier. It was used to end so many lives the chance to get rid of it was just too good of an opportunity. It would be like a new beginning. The arm, something he felt kept him tied to Hydra was going to be replaced by something else. It felt as though a weight had just been lifted from his shoulders.
He finished about half of the soup when he decided he didn't want to risk anymore. His stomach was clenching uncomfortably already though he couldn't put it all on the food. The whole day was something he'd been building up towards. Confronting Steve and trying to get answers and yet here he was, in the other man's home and about to partake on a journey to try and find himself. He had a feeling Steve was going to need some help too. There was something behind the man's blue eyes which made a sensation of protectiveness swell inside of Buck.
A few hours later Bruce knocked at the door. Hey Steve, he said in way of greeting when the other opened the door and stepped into the small house and glanced around. He wasn't used to making house calls but given the circumstances, he couldn't refuse helping his friend and fellow Avenger. Tony sounded excited to get to work on your friend's arm, he offered with a slight smile. Despite everything about him, you know the new arm will be the best anyone could create, Bruce suggested.
He knew the relationship between Steve and Tony could be strained at times and he liked to try and keep the peace between the two. His eyes found Bucky quickly when they walked deeper into Steve's home and he gave the men a nod. Hey. Bruce Banner. Guess you're the one who's been keeping our good ol'Captain busy running all over the globe hmm? He asked and looked awkwardly at Steve when Bucky never moved or blinked at the comment. Okay. Guess I should be used to dealing with this sorta stuff. he said and set the case he had on the table and looked around. You gonna be present for everything? He asked, his brown eyes going back to Steve.
Yes, Bucky answered for him. It wasn't that he didn't trust the doctor. Well, yes, there was that. He didn't trust anyone. Including himself.
Alright, not going to go too in depth today. We'll just do some blood and urine tests. Check blood pressure and reflexes, Bruce said. From there, if there's anything then we'll probably need medical equipment. Stark tower would be the best for that, if there is... Bruce trailed off and realized he was beginning to ramble. Kay, well. Have a seat and we'll go over some history, he said and sat first at the kitchen table. Bucky came forward and sat down, keep a seat between himself and Bruce.
Alright, so guess we'll start easy. Any medical conditions you're aware of? He asked and grabbed some papers to get his notes started. He had files on all the Avengers now, having had to treat them all more than a few times by now.
No.
Normal bowel movements?
No.
How are they abnormal?
I haven't... I don't eat, Bucky said and stared into Bruce's eyes. They gave me IV's and a liquid diet. I just had soup. Before you came.
Okay. So since you've been away from them, what have you eaten? Bruce asked, shifting his glasses.
Nothing. I drank... uhhh...
Meal replacements? Bruce asked and shot Steve a concerned glance then looked back to Bucky who nodded with a shrug, unsure if that's what it was.
Okay, is it okay if I take some... blood? He asked, kind of nervous of to ask the other man that question.
Bucky nodded and presented his flesh arm. Bruce nodded and moved slowly, rolling up Bucky's sleeve and tying off the rubber band before easing the needle in and began filling the vials. He wanted to make sure he had enough to run... every test he could think of at this point. What kind of soup did you eat? He asked when switching a vial.
Red... kind of orange? He answered.
Bruce caught the laugh before it slipped out and glanced back at Steve. Once he had the answer he nodded. Try broth. It'll be lighter, easier on his stomach. Maybe some cucumber or celery for solids. They're really just water so it'll be more getting him used to the idea of solid food without hurting the organs, Bruce said. While it would be nice to tell Steve to take him out for a nice juicy steak, the sudden solid food could really hurt him. Or puree stuff, veggies and whatnot, Bruce suggested and pulled the band off when he got the final vial. He didn't want to say baby food even though that's what he was thinking.
He set the blood into the case carefully and clipped into a secure section. Every time he did something he would ask and show Bucky what he was doing before he did it and took his blood pressure. It was high but that wasn't surprising or concerning. He gave Bucky a little jar for urine and looked to Steve while the newest member of their little gang headed off to the bathroom.
I can give you few IV's. If he doesn't handle the food too good he'll need something to keep himself going. By the look of him, he's lucky with whatever he's been drinking has been keeping him going but he'll crash and his organs could too, he warned Steve. Like you, when you don't eat enough and your body has nothing to burn, he hadn't been around for that but he pushed it on Steve. His metabolism burned so fast it was a serious threat for Steve, his body could crash if he didn't eat enough and it was the same for Bucky but Bucky's stomach wasn't ready for the food Steve was used to.
He sorted through some papers. I tried to find some of his files before the war but James' files, besides anything with Hydra, has been lost. Do you know if he was sick or had any conditions? He asked. He knew how close they had been once.
Bucky returned and handed the jar to Bruce who set it in his bag with the blood. Okay, he set the IV's on the table and Bucky frowned. These are basic, they're normally just for hydrating, he said and grabbed a few vials to inject into the liquid filled bags, each bag getting the same treatment. These'll help if you can't eat or start to feel really tired or weak. I just added some protein compound and vitamins. B, C, D... the basics. It'll just give your body a boost really. But if you need one, give me a...
I know how they go in, he said and touched the back of his flesh hand, Bruce followed his gaze and nodded slowly.
Okay, if you're comfortable with it go for it. But if you're not okay putting the needle in if you need it just give me a call. Whenever. Nobody matters more than my friends and you're important to Steve so, he looked to Steve. Whenever. Of if you're just worried about something then call, he urged.
Bruce didn't know what these two were going through but he knew it couldn't be easy so he would do what he could to make it easier for them. The world wasn't being threatened at this moment so it wasn't like he had an extremely hectic schedule.
Good. Well. Let's finish this up, Bruce said and grabbed a stethoscope and a few other not too scary looking things from his bag. Can you take your shirt off? He asked, Bucky complied and sat on the table when Bruce motioned him too. Bruce's gaze was drawn to the scar tissue around the metal. It looked like it had been painful when they'd first done it. He checked Bucky's lungs, palpated the organs and muscles then his reflexes.
Once he was finished he told Bucky to redress and turned his attention back to Steve. I won't know anything concrete till I get to the lab and test everything. But seriously Steve. Call for anything. There anything else you need while I'm here? he asked, setting things away but not making any moves to leave. He didn't want Steve or Bucky to feel rushed but he didn't want Steve to feel alone in what he was taking on.
gpt
I do trust him, yes. Steve promised Bucky with a nod. He's the same one who fixes me up when I get hurt or sick. And unfortunately for me, that's a lot. He's not like most doctors though so it's okay. He doesn't have that attitude you know? Most doctors, they seam to think they're better than other people, Bruce doesn't have that problem, he's really down to earth. A little timid though, we're working on that. he admitted with a smile, watching the other eat for a moment, glad that Bucky was getting something into his system. He wasn't so sure that the heavy soup was going to stay down, but he'd get something out of it at least, right? He could only smile, and relax though he hadn't realized he'd tensed, when Bucky promised to stay. That was all Steve wanted, was a chance to make Bucky better. No, things could never be the way they used to be, both of them had changed entirely too much, but they could be friends again and Bucky could leave a mostly normal life, right? It might not be tomorrow, or a year from now, but someday, he and Bucky, they wouldn't be shattered anymore. They wouldn't be broken. They wouldn't be fixed, but they could at least function as normal people again. They could be happy, well adjusted, maybe even be able to walk down the street without wondering which person would attack them. As Tony always said though, 'it's not paranoia if they're really out to kill you.'
He nodded at Bucky and turned his attention to the phone. it's a go. You can make him a new arm. Can you make it look... you know, not so robotic? I don't think Bucky likes it. Steve admitted, watching Bucky. How soon can you have it done?... no, Tony i'm pretty sure he doesn't want LED lights and a rocket launcher.... yes i'm sure... have you slept today? he wondered at the scientist. go take a nap Tony. Seriously, you sound ridiculous, why on earth would Bucky want lock picks, glue and a fan built into his fingers? He's not that Gadget man. Yes. I watched the shows and I regret every moment of it that I did. Steve admitted with a sigh. seriusly, Tony. Go to bed. Steve ordered, lip twitching in an effort to, well either he was trying not to snarl or trying not to laugh, it was hard to tell at the moment. yes, Tony. I'll let you come over sometime when James is feeling better and let you do measurements and strength tests and whatever else you need to make a properly functioning arm, no that is not permission to come over right now. Do I need to cal Bruce and tell him you need to be sedated again? I didn't think so. Go. To. Bed. he ordered, trying to find the end call button before groaning. he gives me headaches.
~~**~~
Hey Bruce, thanks for coming in. Steve said, grinning as he wrapped an arm around the other man's shoulders in a quick hug. It was only a second or so, he knew Bruce didn't like being restrained so it was a handshake or a half a second hug and Steve preferred hugs. Tony wanted to put rocket shooters, lasers and a LED Light show into the arm too. He's sleep deprived to the max again, you might want to stop by later and make sure he actually slept. He admitted with a sigh before smiling. He will make the best for Bucky though. He even mentioned that he might be able to make a- he paused and scrunched his face up a little, trying to remember the word. -Sympathetic skin? no... fake skin of some kind only he used a big word that I had to look up later. he admitted before shaking his head when Bruce glanced at him. He wasn't sure what was going on in Bucky's head but he could guess that Bucky didn't want to get too close to Bruce in case Bruce turned out to be like the other doctors that he had likely been exposed to.
Yeah. I'm going to be here. Just in case. just in case Bruce stepped out of line, just in case Bucky snapped, Just in case something was really wrong. He nodded when Bruce told them what they would be doing. He would feel better if it was a full physical, but better to get an idea first right? He didn't really know how doctors worked anyway so he didn't have a clue. He swallowed thickly when he realized that Bucky hadn't even... god, did the man even pee? Did he ever get enough to drink that he needed to void waste? Did he even have enough time in-between freezes to take care of such things? Had the man done anything normal at all in the last seventy years? He stared at Bruce, waiting to be told the bad news but Bruce just went back to his check up. He watched Bucky very closely during the blood draw, just in case but nothing happened. Thank god.
It was Tomato soup. We used to live off of it, during the depression when we where little because it prevented a lot of problems like scurvy and other nasty diseases that cropped up from living too close together with too little food. They where mostly cheep too so we could buy one when we needed something. Even if that's all we got. He admitted. I thought it might be good for him, nutrients you know? I didn't know he hadn't eaten anything solid in... in years. Steve admitted to Bruce.
Like Chicken stock? Steve asked. I have some of that, I can buy more when I go to the grocer. Old habits died hard, Steve never called it a Store, it was always a Grocer when he was going for food. Puree? Steve asked, his head tilted. Okay. Fruits too or just vegetables? He asked before nodding at the following orders. I know how to do I.V's. he promised Bruce. We had to know, for the war, sometimes we couldn't get to a Med tent. So we'd carry all the stuff with us, me and James learned how to do everything while the others all learned Emergency. He admitted. i think they mixed him a cocktail. Sometimes, during the war, when there wasn't enough food, Howard would give me a select combination of... Steve hesitated, cleared his throat and continued. Of Drugs. Things that would amp up my system and keep me going until I could get to a meal. He also made sure the syringes where loaded with vitamins, minerals and proteins so that my system wouldn't collapse. Or something. It was a lot of big words that I didn't understand. he admitted.
He used to have a degenerative eye disease. Steve admitted. When I pulled him out of that camp, where they'd been torturing him, or experimenting on him, he didn't have it anymore. If that wasn't irony nothing was. The worlds best sniper had been going blind. Other than that, worse he ever had was a cold or the occasional flu. Steve explained. we kept the eye disease a secrete because if the Army found out they would have discharged him. Ironic isn't it? The only reason I wanted to join the Army so bad was because Bucky had been drafted. Then, the only reason he stayed was because I couldn't leave. He shook his head. it was all a mess back then.
We'll call as soon as anything at all happens. Hell, we'll give you a call the first time he takes a shit. Steve promised, smiling weakly at his piss poor attempt at a joke. He hated how helpless he felt right then. All he could do was sit and watch while someone else took care of his best friend. That's okay. Thanks again Bruce. He said, gently shaking the others hand before hesitating. Painkillers and some tranquilizers. He decided. painkillers because that arm looks like hell and tranquilizers because I don't want to have to punch him out if he has a flashback or a relapse.
human
Bruce wasn't exactly following protocol with Bucky. He was just going on a whim and trying to think of what would make the man comfortable and able to trust him. If he ever needed to put Bucky under he didn't need to deal with the Winter Soldier going postal while possibly bleeding to death or something. Bucky looked healthy enough. He didn't seem like he was sick, his body was strong. The results for the blood and urine tests would determine if he would need more tests. And if he did, it would go so much smoother if Bucky trusted him.
Bruce was worried there would be some sort of bacteria or damage to the internal organs with how little they had to work. But the tests would show that for him without being too invasive. Eye disease, Bruce repeated, nodding as he wrote that down.
Bucky was looking between the two of them as Steve spoke of the past him, clinging to each and every word. He'd been tortured? He didn't remember that. He didn't remember being experimented on either. But it must have done some sort of good since his eyes were great now. He tilted his head as Steve spoke about him being drafted then how he'd refused to leave the army because Steve couldn't. So he'd been willing to stay after being tortured or experimented on because of this guy. Guess it wasn't much of a surprise the other man had broken through years of Russian and Hydra work done to his brain.
If you don't mind me asking, he said, turning towards Bucky as he fished some painkillers and tranquillizers from his bag. Do you remember anything from being with them? He asked then looked quickly to Steve. I mean, if you don't mind answering that is. It'll just gi-
The chair. I remember the chair, Bucky said with a bit of a grimace on his face. They used it to wipe me, he said, not entirely sure what that meant.
Electroshock therapy? Bruce frowned, handing the stuff to Steve without looking at him and approached Bucky again. They shocked your brain?
Bucky looked towards Steve, unsure of what he was supposed to say or do right now, the doctor looked way to interested in that. And it was the one thing he remembered clearly. The sounds, the way it covered his face and he was strapped down and couldn't deny their commands. And the pain. He could handle pain. Lots of it. But the chair... it scared him.
As Bruce moved closer he stood from the chair quickly, knocking it over, and side stepped to get away from the approaching man. I'm not talking about it, he stated simply and the doctor stopped and nodded his head.
Of course. I'm sorry. It's just, that practice, it's illegal because of what it can cause. The side effects can be very dangerous. We should do an MRI, Bruce said and looked to Steve. An MRI was not something he could do here. Sooner rather than later but... not today if you don't want to though, he said after looking back towards Bucky who seemed to be becoming more distressed after mentioning the chair.
Bucky raked his fingers through his hair and his eyes were becoming unfocused, flicking randomly from one thing to another as he tried to keep his thoughts on track. Bruce took another step back. Hey it's okay, we're not going to do anything you don't want and we won't talk about anything you're not ready for, he said, using a voice he'd used for children when working off the grid.
Bucky only shook his head, running his hands over his face as he turned abruptly and walked out of the room. Bruce sighed as he glanced to Steve. Sorry. I didn't mean to push him that far, he said and took his glasses off to pinch the bridge of his nose, crinkling his nose as he though. It's not good, if they used electricity on his brain, repeatedly, he scoffed, shaking his head. Suppose when it comes to Hydra we shouldn't be surprised at what lengths they'll go to or how barbaric they're practices can be, he mumbled, setting his glasses back onto the bridge of his nose.
Bruce shoved the rest of his things into his bag. He's going to have to come in for an MRI Steve, if there's damage to the brain... he swallowed and tried to think of a delicate way to say what he wanted but he had a feeling Steve wouldn't listen to even the worst scenario. Just be careful with him. He's a grenade just waiting to go off, Bruce warned. He knew the blonde cared for the ex-assassin but Bruce didn't know him and he cared for Steve, so he'd rather see Steve not hurt through any of this.
I'll go see Tony and I'll make sure he keeps his distance for at least a few days, give your friend time to adjust to not being on the run and hunted and... just give him time, Bruce offered with a small, friendly smile. And if I find anything in the tests I'll give you call or drop some meds off, he said and gave Steve's shoulder a gentle squeeze. I'll see myself out, you got your hands full.
Bucky'd walked to the bedroom and sat on the edge of Steve's bed. This was the only room besides the bathroom he'd been in. And the kitchen but that was too occupied right now. Bucky listened to them talking, he could hear every word thanks to his heightened sense of hearing.
He looked down at his bare feet and moved his toes against the floor, it was weird when he thought about it. How little of his own body he really knew. He didn't look at himself often and he was either in his gear or, while naked and being prodded at by doctors and medical staff, he wasn't looking at himself.
Bucky let his eyes fall shut as he listened to his breathing, it was something he'd realized calmed him down during the nights he spent alone. He felt aware of everything yet somehow everything disappeared. His eyes snapped open when he heard the doctor leaving the house and he glanced around then lowered his gaze towards the floor.
He didn't mean to go off like that but... he didn't want to think about what had led to it. It was gone yet it held so much control over him still. He knew Steve was going to come and find him so he just let himself fall back against the bed and was surprised at how soft it was. While on the run he'd mainly kept himself to warehouses hadn't been on a bed in... he couldn't remember when.
I'm sorry I overreacted to your friend, he said without looking towards the doorway. He could hear Steve's footsteps though they were almost silent. I'm just not ready for that conversation, he offered quietly, hoping Steve wouldn't take it any further.
Buck sat up and looked at Steve. He's right though. I am a grenade. I came to you for help and... his eyes drifted from Steve's blue eyes to his neck where he could see the bruises from his choke hold earlier. And I attacked you instead of just asking for help. What kind of person does that? He asked, frowning as his eyes sought Steve's once more.
gpt
Steve tensed a little when Bruce asked if Bucky remembered anything. He wasn't sure any of them where ready for this discussion. He knew that he hadn't wanted to talk about anything when he'd first woken up. He hadn't wanted to remember the crackle of the ice, or the pain of his back, broken from the crash, or the water creeping over him while his lungs burned for air. He shuddered violently and focused on his best friend again. Chair? Bucky remembered a chair? From the way the man said it, it wasn't the kind of chair Steve was thinking about.
Wipe? Steve asked, sounding rather faint. They had used this chair to erase Bucky. He would find it, he would let Bucky completely destroy it. That would help right? Letting Bucky completely decimate the thing that had hurt him so badly? If anything, he could have Tony go at it and maybe find a way to reverse damages or effects from it's use. He had a feeling Bucky wasn't the only one who had sat in that 'chair' and had themselves completely erased.
Shock? Steve managed to ask. Had they electrocuted Buck!? Those filthy bastards where going to wish they had never, ever been born!
hey. Hey, Bucky. Easy. It's okay. Steve promised, trying to be as soft and calm and gentle as possible when Bucky jumped to his feet. Bruce isn't going to do anything. he promised. you don't have to talk about it. he turned to Bruce, his voice a little more stern. he doesn't have to talk about it. Sam had always said that forcing people to talk when they weren't ready, was just as damaging as what had happened in the first place. It wouldn't help, ever and would, in the end, only make things so much worse. He didn't want Bucky to get worse. Of course, now he was really worried about side effects. Really worried.
i'll have him at the tower in two weeks at the latest. Will that be okay or does it need to be sooner? Steve asked, looking rather frantic to be honest. What if Bucky had a brain bleed? Or had scarring? or... other things that Steve didn't know about but where probably really bad? He grimaced when he realized Bucky was starting to panic and wondered how best to keep his best friend from having a flashback or worse. Steve had those sometimes, flashbacks, where he forgot who people where and where he was. He had nearly strangled Sam once because he was so convinced the man had been Zola. Which was why he was asking Bruce for the sedatives. He had donated pints upon galleons of blood for Bruce to work with to make medicine that worked with the Serum. Since his body processed normal drugs too fast to be of any use. Even Morphine had relatively no effect on Steve, other than making him sleepy for about an hour. When Steve got wrapped up in his memories, Sam just popped a tranquilizer into him and Steve dropped like a stone so he wouldn't accidentally hurt someone.
It's okay. It's just too fresh for him right now. I understand you're worried. I'll make sure to keep a very close eye on him and call you if I see even the slightest thing that's odd. he promised. that... chair... whatever it is. It's clearly something that's lingered even when he can't even remember he's a person, let alone what his name is... Steve admitted, shaking his head. Hydra didn't care what damage they did to him. So long as he could do what they wanted him to. I'll make sure they never live to torment anther soul. I'll tear them apart bare handed if I have to. Disgusting bastards! Steve hissed, flexing his fingers. how could they do that to Bucky? he wondered, biting his lip before looking up at Bruce.
If there's damage to the brain then he might never recover beyond this. Or he might get worse. Steve whispered. He knew enough about the brain to know that damage was, more often than not, permanent. it doesn't matter. He's my best friend. I'll take care of him by myself if it comes down to it. Steve said. I won't abandon him. I can't. he admitted, closing his eyes. he never gave up on me, even when they said i'd never make it past year fourteen. he stared at Bruce. i would have died if Bucky hadn't kept me going. Now, I have to be there for him.
Bruce. I think your forgetting which of the people in this house recently tried to strangle Sam. It wasn't Bucky. he pointed out. he's not the only grenade around here. I know how to tiptoe. mostly. He gave Bruce a small smile. still, it's nice to know you won't try to mince the truth. Thanks for that at least. he admitted. i know you probably won't be able to fix any damage he has to the brain, but we should be able to manage most of what might happen right? Lot's of people have brain damage these days. There's all kinds of ways to help, medication and meditation and therapy and stuff... I'm going to do everything I can. I won't just give up just because he's a little more hurt than originally anticipated. he ran a hand through his hair, aggravated because he was upset and hadn't managed to make it to the gym today. Hadn't burnt off his anxious energy, hadn't drained himself. Like a hyper chipmunk or something.
Thanks Bruce. Really. Your a great friend and i'm really lucky to have you. Steve admitted, smiling at him. try not to smash Tony okay? he asked with a smile, watching the other leave before taking a deep breath, trying to center himself. He had never really gotten the hang of that meditation crap.
Steve smiled at Bucky when he walked into the room. Lesson One. It is never an 'over reaction'. Sam had told him that often enough. it's a panic attack. They can get bad. I nearly strangled Sam a few weeks ago because I was trapped in a memory. he admitted. i have real bad flashbacks sometimes, though they're getting a lot better. he admitted. i used to feel bad about 'over reacting' too until I realized that I just can't stop feeling panicked just because I want to. he admitted before smiling at Bucky. you where a man on the run, desperate for help and too scared to know who to turn to. That's all. he admitted. sure, you choked me a little bit, i've had worse you know. he admitted, flopping down onto the bed next to James.
you don't have to talk about it. Someday, when you are ready, then you can tell me anything you want me to know. Or you can tell Sam, or Bruce, or Tony. Whoever you trust enough to tell. he admitted. if your never ready, then that's okay too. he admitted, looking at him. all of us are Grenades Bucky. You think any of my friends, us so called 'superheros' aren't all fucked up in the head? Bruce has MPD, Tony is nearly schizophrenic and possibly Bi-Polar. Natasha as an emotional detachment disorder. Clint has OCD and Phil has an obsessive complex. We're all pretty fucked up. That's the point though, who best to help you with your problems, then people who actually understand because they have problems too? he wondered with a smile. "I'm with you Bucky. till the end of the line. i swear it."
human
Bruce wanted to comfort Steve about the incident with Sam but from personal experience, he knew it wouldn't really change how Steve saw it. And there, in his opinion, was a massive difference between Bucky and Steve. Bucky had been groomed to murder, convinced it was his duty to end life. While Steve fought for good, fought to maintain that goodness in the world Hydra had been the opposite and used Bucky to do it. It may not have been by his choice but you don't just stop being brainwashed. He was curious as to what he'd find and worried as well but he would read up a bit more on Bucky Barnes and see if he could get an insight onto what had really happened to him before he became the weapon.
Bruce did as he said he would and saw himself out of the small house. Tony'd given him use of the jet to get to Washington as fast as he could and would head back to the Tower and make sure Tony got some sleep while he set to work on figuring out if Bucky was sick or not.
Bucky listened closely to Steve, he turned his head to look at him then laid back again so he was on equal level with the blonde. He turned his face to look up at the ceiling and let out a slow sigh as he pressed his lips together. I know you're only trying to make me feel better but your friends are different than I am. They may have issues but.. they're not like this. They're... people, he turned his face away, knowing that was wrong. I mean, they know who they are. You know who you are, what you believe in. I'm just... I was empty until you woke something up. I have to rebuild a person from nothing, he turned his head so he was facing Steve again.
These memories, the feelings. I don't know how to handle them, Bucky licked over his bottom lip as his eyes moved back towards Steve's. Everyone out there, everyone. You, Bruce, Tony, Hydra agents, the milkman, you all have... you all know who you are but I have no clue, he inhaled sharply and bit his lower lip.
I read about myself at the museum and on the computer after all of Hydra's stuff got leaked but it doesn't make anything more clear. It only makes things more complicated cause I just want to remember. I just need a direction. Somewhere I'm supposed to go, something to aim towards. My life, all I can remember, is missions. And not in detail but just not having anything to try for is... it makes me wonder why I'm here. What's my purpose if there's nothing for me to do.
Bucky wasn't suicidal. He didn't want to hurt himself but he was becoming more and more frustrated as he spoke. He felt he was becoming weaker as a person when all he wanted was structure and to just know who he was supposed to be. To have gone from so much surety to so much confusion and freedom of choice was taking it's toll.
How do I come back from this? he asked, running his hands, both metal and flesh, over his face. Sometimes I wonder if it'd be easier to just go back to them and let them wipe me again. It would be easier. But I don't want that, he whispered, dropping his hands to his sides then looked at Steve again. I'm scared. I don't know what's going to happen, he admitted.
gpt
Steve smiled at Bruce a little before he left. He knew this was hard for Bruce, it was hard for him too. He was pretty sure Tony was fretting himself nearly sick at Steve being alone with a known assassin. Steve knew Bucky though, he knew that his best friend wouldn't hurt him too bad, even then it would only be because of a nasty nightmare or a flashback. How could he blame Bucky for those when he had them himself? How could anyone blame Bucky for it when they didn't blame Steve? He knew the others where worried, but he couldn't bring himself to care, not really. Bucky was too important to be worried about the others worrying about him. Or something like that, he'd hurt his brain a bit on that one.
Bucky, your a person too. Steve promised him. plenty of people have gone through things like you have. Natasha for example. She was trained from the age of six to be a ruthless assassin by the KGB. They're a Russian group I think. he mused. she's recovered very well, though she has her moments. Natasha was just like you not so long ago. Clint and Ph... he choked on the name and closed his eyes. A moment, gathering his composure. Phil told me about how they'd found her, she was like a wild animal according to them. he admitted.
i have no doubt there are hundred of people that Hydra did this to Bucky. I'd have to ask Fury to be sure but I know we have at least five people who came back to us from Hydra, dead inside and not even knowing their names but desperate to stop being the mindless killers that Hydra made them into. he looked at the other. your not alone Buck, you have me. Once the others stop freaking out you'll have them too. he promised. we just need to have patience, you have to have patience. You won't be able to do everything at once you know. he admitted. you need to take your time, don't rush. The memories will come back with time and until then you can focusing on being the kind of person you want to be.
He looked back up at the ceiling. No one knows how to handle their emotions. Hell, I don't even know how to handle my emotions. Especially in this day and age. Everything is so different here that I never know what to do or how to do it or even where I fit in. he looked at the other again. no one knows who they are, your just a little more lost than most people are. As for your purpose, isn't living, learning, and figuring out who you are and how to be yourself purpose enough for now? If you really need a mission, then how about helping me save the world once and a while? I always did need a sidekick. he teased, lips quirking into that little half grin he always wore when he was planning mischief.
Don't even say that Buck! Steve gasped, sitting up fast enough that a person might have gotten dizzy. not even as a joke! Those people are monsters! They'll kill you on sight rather than risk you escaping again! he shook his head and reached out, taking Bucky's hand as he often had when the other was terrified of his vision getting worse every day. Scared of being surrounded by hydra agents. Struggling to pay their rent in their crappy apartment not worth the money they where paying for it. holding the others hand the way Bucky used to when Steve was too sick to get out of bed, or crying because he had nearly burned down the kitchen, holding his hand while the doctor patched him up yet again because Steve couldn't stop himself and had gotten his ass kicked again. Holding his hand like they where back in a dirt ditch, trying desperately to stay quiet until the other Commandos could come and save them from the Hydra assholes sweeping the area for them.
whatever happens Buck. It's you and me, okay? he asked, smiling at the man. you and me. Against the world if that's what it takes. We can't give up. Not on each other, not on ourselves, because for so long that's all we had. We can't give up Buck. Never give up.
human
When Steve sat up as fast as he did Bucky was able to follow his movements easily and shook his head. They won't. It wasn't the first time I left them, Bucky admitted quietly, though he didn't completely remember the details of the excursion he'd taken. I think. I mean, bits and pieces have come back. And there was one mission. I finished it and then... there was this place in the distance. I could see the Ferris Wheel, the outline of it. And I left. I was supposed to go back to the base but I couldn't. I just. There was something. And then I just stayed on Coney Island until they came and got me.
He sat up slowly, his gaze looking over Steve's face, searching for any sign of familiarity. It meant something didn't it? Coney Island. There something there that happened or it was important to us... before the war? he asked, lost blue eyes searching Steve's.
He wanted to ask Steve about Phil. The way he choked up saying the man's name had a sensation bubbling in his chest he wasn't used to. He swallowed, trying to place it. He wanted to unburden Steve. Let him talk it out and get his emotions out. He wondered if Steve used to talk about him like that... with a lump in his throat. He'd say his name and have to take a moment to gather himself up.
He wasn't sure how to approach the subject so he just and shifted a bit, turning so he was facing more towards the other man. Who was Phil? He asked, the way Steve got choked up made him feel like the other was no long with them. Part of him even wanted to put his arms around Steve in a comforting fashion.
Bucky looked down to their hands when Steve held his and he turned their hands a bit. Watching how their skin looked side by side. It was another sensation he found a sense of enjoyment from. Skin to skin contact. He tried to think of the last time this had happened which didn't include some form of violence. His brain came up empty.
Can you talk about times before the war? he asked. Hoping it would jog some good memories. He wanted more good ones. Majority of them had been from his more recent trials as the Winter Soldier under Hydra then memories from James Barnes.
All I remember... it's cold. I just remember cold and ice and fear and anger, he sighed, turning his gaze away as he tried to put his thoughts into words to relay what he was feeling to Steve. I just want to remember something happy, he mumbled and let his gaze lock onto to Steve again. I know you said I can't be him again and I understand that. But I was him... and I want to remember being good. Doing good and not being just a weapon.
"You and me," he agreed, his lips curving into a bit of a smile though it felt weird. It had been so long since he smiled but Steve's words gave him a sense of confidence he could become more than just Hydra's discarded, broken weapon. "I won't," he shook his head, eyes searching Steve's. His body had an instinct in that moment. One he had not been prepared for. "You and me against the world... it's been like that before right?"
He wanted to ask something else but he wasn't sure how it would be received. And he wondered if he was getting... wrong instincts just because Steve was here and willing to help him.
gpt
Steve blinked, a little surprised that Hydra had let James wander off without punishing him with death. At least he didn't have to worry about them killing Bucky if they did get their hands on him again. Maybe. He could, would, go and rescue Bucky if he was captured again. He had to smile when Bucky mentioned the Ferris wheel. yes. It meant a lot actually. We would sneak in, we couldn't really afford to do anything, we where too poor to afford food sometimes, but we'd go every week anyway and watch the people and the lights. Sometimes we'd even manage to steal some tickets, or sneak into the rides. he admitted. you once made me go on a Tilt-A-Whirl and I got really sick. he admitted with a grin. some of my best memories where of us just sitting around on Coney Island, eating stolen cotton candy ad hot dogs and watching people make fools of themselves. he admitted. there where even a few times, after you got your jobs, where we could actually afford to go legitimately. he admitted. but somehow, it was more fun when we where sneaking around and slipping people's goodies. he admitted with an impish grin. That grin died when James asked who Phil was and he looked down at his hands.
He was this guy, I didn't know him all that well but... He was an Agent with Shield, and he was a big Captain America fan. Agent Phil Coulson. The first time he met me, he mad this utterly dork of himself and it really made me think of myself when I was still small and scrawny and awkward. One of the first things he said was... here Steve paused, letting out a snort. he said 'I watched you while you where sleeping. he snickered again. it was the funniest damn thing. he admitted. he was one of those people who didn't get flustered, didn't stutter, didn't react and there he was acting all shy and cute and awkward because I was in the room. he looked at Bucky. we spent four hours, trying to teach me how to use an MP3 player. he admitted. i never did figure it out. he admitted before shaking his head. anyway, during the Chitauri invasion, you've heard about that right? Loki, the God of lies, chaos and trickery... here he paused, lips twitching. and lust according to some of the things i've found online, led the invasion and stabbed Phil through the chest. He died at the scene. He was carrying these vintage Captain America Cards. The ones that came out while I was still with the USO. he swallowed thickly. i never did get a chance to sign them for him.
times before the War? he asked with a chuckle. well let's see.... how to start? Oh I know! How about the day we first met? he asked with a grin. i was all around eight, I think. he could understand Bucky wanting to remember something good. you where around ten, or something like that, I was never very good with numbers. I was still really think and sick all the time back then, but I never could keep my mouth shut. he admitted. there was this bully at school see, and he was always picken on me. I always stood up to him, no matter how many times he broke my bones and pushed me around. Ne day, he got sick of me I guess. He came 'cross me in an alley and he just up and hauled me over the side of a dumpster because I told him to leave the little old lady he was muckin with alone. Next thing I know, i've a broken nose a split lip and i'm too short to get out of the dumpster. he snorted. not ten seconds later, you where in the dumpster too, you hit your head on the way down I think, or possibly before because you just up and decided that since I was in the dumpster you was gonna be too. We've been best friends ever since, 'specially since you had enough strength and fight in you to beat up people like The Butch. he admitted. you where always saving my ass.
that's right. You and me against the world, till the end of the line. You always used to say that to me when I was upset. Especially after me ma died. he admitted. we lived together in an apartment we could hardly afford. It was full of cockroaches and rats but it was a roof over our heads and two beds to sleep in at least. I was usually too sick and weak to work, so I tried to do the cooking and cleaning while you where off to work. he admitted. ...i was really, really bad at it. he admitted with a laugh, smiling at Bucky. but we had each other, so it didn't matter.
human
Listening to Steve speak of Cony Island almost brought a smile to his lips. But he couldn't smile. Not when Steve was grinning at such a memory but he couldn't remember a single thing about it. He just knew there was something there. Something important. And know he knew what it was but even with Steve talking about it. Some things in detail... he didn't remember and he hated it. He hated having been through things, having lived a life but there was nothing in his mind to link him to these events. Steve's words sounded like it was him and another person. Because he should talk and Bucky should see them there. But he couldn't. He hated Hydra for taking these moments from him.
And when Steve's grin fell from his face he regretted asking about this Phil Coulson but it would probably do Steve good to speak of him. The way he spoke, with such fondness made Bucky feel comfortable. It was nice to know Steve'd found friends in this time. Even though he couldn't remember much, if anything really, before the war. But there was a gnawing inside of him that drove him to want to protect Steve Rogers. Despite the man being Captain America, and having a better concoction of the serum running through his veins he still knew it was his job, no it was his duty and his obligation.
Bucky nodded his head slowly, looked at Steve as he spoke. I wish I could remember these things. But I can't Steve. I just wish I could know what I'd been like. I want to remember being a good person. But all I can remember from before being the Winter Soldier was... The train and trying to grab your hand then I was falling. And then I was being dragged through the snow and my arm was missing. And then there's bits and pieces of getting the metal but that's all. That's the only bits I remember of who I was before I became this. And it's just fear and confusion and desperation, he sighed quietly, closing his eyes as shook his head as he dropped it forward and bit his bottom lip.
But I know you mean something important. When we were fighting. And you were telling me who I was. I was so scared cause they were going to hurt me again. They were going to put me in the chair for remembering and I hated you so much for doing that. For making me know I wasn't just a weapon. And then... then you said you were with me till the end of the line and I knew. I knew there was no way I could actually go through with it. I'd remembered and I knew my mission was going to fail again.
He lifted his blue eyes to Steve's face and searched his eyes. You were worth it. You were worth the risk of pain and the chair and being unmade again, he whispered, his hand still in Steve's gripping Steve's hand tighter as he spoke. I didn't know you but I knew I wasn't supposed to be hurting you. I knew I was meant to do the opposite even though I didn't remember who you were, he frowned and swallowed, feeling a lump in his throat as he continued on.
Bucky stared at his face for a moment longer then looked away and took a few breathes to force his emotions into submission. Did you figure out how to use an MP3 player? He asked, he'd never used one before but he'd watched other agents use them. And he'd been trained to use the most modern types of computers and all types of vehicles.
gpt
Bucky didn't smile but Steve was. He loved talking about the old days, once he'd gotten over everyone's death anyway. Being able to talk about it was a new development if he was being honest. And then, to talk about Phil, Bucky was probably the only one who could ask without getting glared at. The pain was fresh still, Steve had never handled emotional pain well. Tony had helped with the loss of people from before he was frozen, Sam helped him with everything else. Especially Phil. Sam, Steve didn't know where he'd be without Sam. He was thankful no one else, not even Tony or Bruce, realized how close Steve had come to trying to figure out how to end a super soldier. Life had been too hard until the events that had lead to the discovery of Buck.
I know you don't remember, and that's okay Bucky. He promised the man before flinching at the reminder of Bucky's 'death'. i never forgave myself for failing to save you. He admitted softly. It was made even worse after I crashed the plane and woke up. I realized, at the time, that if I had jumped off after you, I would have survived. He admitted, watching Bucky close for any signs of real distress. It all seamed to be going mostly okay. Fear. Steve shuddered at that ad then shook his head. we'll take you to some places we used to frequent. Most of them are old and run down and abandoned now but it might trigger a few memories. And i'll tell you all the stories you want to know. he promised. you'll remember in time Buck, you just have to be patient and not push yourself too hard.
he blushed brightly when Bucky told him he was someone important and he fidgeted. It wasn't that he was ashamed, but, well. He was. Being... that way, had been a death sentence back then, and while it was much, much better now people still got into huge fusses over it. He shook his head, trying to focus. Jesus... Steve whispered, taking Bucky's hand again, holding him because he couldn't stand to let Bucky face that kind of trauma on his own. i couldn't stand the idea of you not knowing me. he admitted. i couldn't stand the idea of having to kill you because 'there was no other choice'. I couldn't bring myself to... to hurt you permanently. I had nightmares, you know. About that plane, about choking you. For a good long while I thought you where dead all over again, drowned or bled to death or something. When Tony sent me a picture of you, I knew that it would be okay, someday. he admitted with a smile before looking at him.
you'll always be worth it, Bucky. Worth the pain, and trauma, and bad jokes. You where always full of bad jokes. he admitted with a smile. your worth everything to me. It took every ounce of control I had to punch you. he admitted. my whole life, it was you who was protecting me, even during the war. You where always there, at my back and b my side, protecting me. he admitted. and not just from people, but protecting me from myself too. he admitted, smiling at Bucky before snorting and shook his head. no. I just felt... weird, trying to figure it out without Phil there to help. he admitted. I have a CD collection instead. he admitted. and Tony loaded all of the songs I like into an MP3 for me. I don't use it much but i'll listen to it while i'm jogging sometimes.
human
The smile on Steve's face made Buck feel comfortable. He didn't know how things were going to turn out but he had a gut feeling, just because of Steve's smile that things were going to be okay. Someday. And it seemed to relieve some pressure he'd been feeling. Another weight had come off of his shoulders as he watched him talk of the past. And just because things were so fucked up he had no idea what was going to happen tomorrow he had a feeling if he stayed with Steve, then it would end up being okay.
Bucky shook his head. I couldn't reach you either, he pointed out quietly and swallowed as he thought of that moment. It was one of the only things he could remember clearly from before and of course it was a bad memory. One that even caused Steve a shudder. It wasn't your fault Steve. I got myself out onto that rail. I couldn't reach you and you had no way of knowing you'd survive. And even if you did know. I'd have hit the ground the first so it would have just been a waste of time, cause there was no way of knowing I'd survive it either. And I don't even know what sort of shape I was in when they found me, he said and shrugged a shoulder. He didn't want Steve to feel upset about something which he'd had no control over.
The idea of going to places they used to frequent made him wonder if it would work. So much of his time lately had been spent focusing on destroying the people who'd done this to him he didn't know what would happen if they went to Coney Island or to the street they used to live on or anywhere else they'd gone when things were much less confusing.
He was curious about the way Steve blushed when he talked about how important he was. But he didn't know just how close they had been. He didn't remember any of those stolen kisses or touches. He didn't know what love felt like anymore and the concept was the most foreign of all. When Steve took his hand once more he looked down once more to look at their skin then looked to Steve's face. I like it when you do that, he commented, glancing at their hands. I like feeling your skin, he mumbled and let his thumb move across Steve's knuckle, watching and trying to understand the sensation he was feeling under his thumb. His hands were so used to the cold metal of weapons or causing pain. This was different and nice.
You thought I was dead? he asked, lifting his head to look at Steve. I dragged you out of the water, he said and looked down at their hands again. I dunno why. Letting you drown would have completed the mission but I couldn't let you die. I didn't want you hurt. I'm sorry I ran. But you were breathing and I wasn't ready to face what was going to come after. Your friends and the public and all of that, he shook his head. And Hydra. They were looking for me too. They'd have found me and hurt you if I stayed.
Bucky's brows furrowed in confusion when Steve said he was worth the pain and trauma. The words were... they made him feel good but they also sort of made him want to laugh. For so long he'd just been a weapon. A damn good one who did important work but to actually mean something to someone. It made the corners of his mouth turn up just a little bit. Well I'm here now. Again. And everything in me is telling me to keep protecting you, he said offered him a bit of a smile.
Technology isn't that hard Stevie thing ju- he stopped when he realized he'd call him Stevie. It had just slipped out and felt natural. Sorry. I... That just slipped out, he said and pulled his hand from Steve's when he felt a dull ache forming in the front of his head and he leaned forward and pressed both palms against his forehead. He squeezed his eyes shut as the pain got more sharp. It always happened like this when he'd remember something. He could hear his voice in his head, he was cold again though.
Oh god Stevie, he sighed and his fingers were running through short blonde hair, his back was pressed against something solid and even though it was cold the hard body pressed against his front was giving off heat like a furnace. Lips were moving against his neck and snow was falling, the night was dark and he could see a fire off in the distance. He knew to keep his eyes open, locked in that direction.
One hand dropped from the blonde hair moved down to grope his ass, pulling their pelvis' closer harder together. His own head dipped and he nipped at the smooth, defined jaw. When the lips left his neck blue eyes flicked from the camp to Steve's face and he could feel a playful grin spreading upon his face. We got a dangerous mission tomorrow Cap. Jumping on a moving train is kinda crazy so how about we go in a little deeper and pretend we're back in Brooklyn, protected by four walls?
Bucky jumped up from the bed and ran his fingers through his hair. The pain was gone as quickly as it showed up. You... we... We weren't just friends, he said and looked at Steve. His eyes moistening with realization at how much he really had lost when he fell. He'd missed out on a life with Steve, even though it would have to be hidden and kept secret. And he'd nearly killed him, twice. The man he'd been in love with. How can I not remember you? he asked, more to himself than anybody as he dropped both hands to his side, feeling a little more defeated even though he'd just remembered something.
gpt
that's no excuse. he admitted with a shake of his head. well. I can't change the past, not really. I wish I could. But things are turning out okay now right? he asked, his head tilted. things will be okay eventually. I have to believe that. he admitted with a sigh, closing his eyes because he was tired of being the universes spittoon. This was, perhaps, his first chance at real happiness. He wasn't about to give it up anytime soon. Not at all. actually. I got you onto that rail. It was my plan to zip-line onto the train. he admitted with a smile. it was fun. he admitted before grimacing. stop being right! he complained, pouting at Bucky. i hate it when you make me feel like everything wasn't my fault. he grumped before smiling at Bucky. your right though, I probably wouldn't have been able to save you. he hated having to admit that, but there was no denying it. Had he fallen with Bucky, he'd probably have bee I rough shape and unable to do anything but get dragged off by Hydra and have the exact same thing done to him as they had done to Bucky.
He enjoyed the thought of taking Bucky out on the town for a while. Enjoyed the idea of going out and just being with Bucky. like it? he asked, not certain what Bucky was talking about at first before smiling. i like holding your hand too. he admitted, watching the thumb stroke across his knuckles. Steve had always been warm, even small and sickly he had been a little furnace. They had, more often than not, shared a bed just because it was warmer that way. They'd only had a few blankets, so sharing the blankets and curling up together had been a good thing to do. The fact that they often did... more, would remain unspoken for now. Steve didn't want to pressure or push Bucky into anything, especially when the man was so hurt.
did you? I don't remember it. I hit my head pretty damn hard on the way down. he admitted. i was out for three days apparently, concussion or something. I woke up in the hospital. he admitted. no one had sen you since so I just thought that... he shrugged. in any case, it was probably better you ran, Shield wouldn't have been too happy with you either. he admitted, scowling at nothing. with Phil dead and Fury gone to god knows where, there aren't a whole lot of people willing to do the right thing. Shield has turned into a clusterfuck of epic proportions. he admitted before smiling at him. well. We'll just have to protect each other then. he agreed.
He sulked though when Bucky said technology wasn't hard. it is too! It's a menace! No one even looks at each other anymore they just sit there and tap on their phones and stuff, it's a mess! he pointed out before blinking. i don't mind. You where the only person I ever let call me Stevie you now. he admitted before looking worried. Bucky? Buck? Are you okay? did he need to call Bruce?! What was hurting James? He paused at the, was it an accusation? No, it was a realization. no, we weren't. he agreed softly. you can't remember me because Hydra used electricity to kill entire sections of your brain. Steve explained. you have enough of the Serum for the dead cells to come back online after time, which is why they had to keep doing it. It's not that you won't remember. It's not that your mentally blocking it. Parts of your brain is dead Buck. It just needs time to recover. he promised. and I won't leave you again, not ever. I swear. We'll work together, you and me, until our healed and then we'll work together to help with the trauma. I promise, okay?
human
Bucky couldn't help the wince when Steve talked about the electricity. He despised everything about that chair. It hurt so much. He shook his head, frowning as he looked at Steve. He didn't want to think about the chair. The electricity and the pain it brought. The confusion and the emptiness. The shell it created. It was terrifying. Part of him wanted to know how many times he'd actually been sat in that chair. But then again, it was a part of his past he didn't want to face.
He returned to the chair, unsure of what to do now. Steve'd confirmed his last vision was real. Or at least the part of them being more than friends. Now some things about how Steve acted towards him were making sense. He didn't understand the concept of love. Not really. He knew it was a feeling, something you said to someone who you cared very deeply for but the actual notion of caring for someone so much you'd put yourself at risk to save them...
His eyes moved to Steve's and he reached up to touch his own lips, he could still feel Steve's against his from the memory. But also, he'd realized he'd done that. He'd put himself at risk for Steve. He'd risked a lot. Twice. The time he remembered him from the bridge and said it to Pierce, refused to give a mission brief because of the nameless man he'd remembered. But then the helicarrier. He could have completed his mission and gone back to Hydra. Mission complete meant he would be put back on ice but instead he'd let go of the metal and fallen into the water after Steve. He'd grabbed him and dragged him to shore. He'd put his own well-being on the line for the man and at the time he hadn't known why. But now he did. Even if he didn't know why or how... he loved Steve Rogers.
Bucky's eyes searched Steve's for a moment before he leaned forward and let his lips brush against Steve's. He had no idea how this was supposed to work but it felt right, their lips together. It just felt right and comfortable and like... home. Bucky brought his flesh hand to cup Steve's face as he let his lips press against Steve's rather than just brush against them.
Every action has a consequence, he didn't know where he knew that from but as he felt Steve begin to kiss him back it seemed to send an electrical impulse to his brain and memories flooded his brain. Intense, loving, dirty, happy, bittersweet, frustrating they hit him like wave and he inhaled sharply against Steve's mouth. His metal moving to grip at Steve's shirts as he pushed his mouth to Steve's again, this time the kiss was much less innocent, almost desperate as the memories came.
After he'd been rescued, Steve had managed to find them a tent and Bucky didn't have time to get a good look at Steve's new body as his body was groped and touched to check for an inch of a wound and then concerned fingers were replaced by lips and teeth.
The night before he left for war Steve had been excited, he could tell, but the excitement was short lived as Bucky'd already packed for the morning and he'd said good night to the girls, deciding to wait at their apartment for Steve rather than spend the evening dancing. Steve'd looked to the bag then to Bucky who'd just finished putting the cleaned dishes away. Sex was slow that night. Gentle and loving and long because it would be the last time in a very long time.
Bucky pressed himself closer to Steve, his body remembering what it felt like to be inside of the other man. To be closer than just friends. To be one.
Despite how rambunctious Steve was on the streets, Bucky always held him at night like he was a fragile doll. In the back of his mind he always wondered if tomorrow as going to be the day he didn't show up fast enough to save Steve from a bully who'd take it too far or if he was going to get sick and this would be the time he couldn't beat the bout of pneumonia or stupid infection.
Bucky's metal fingers tightened around the fabric of Steve's shirt as tears began to fall from his eyes. Remembering so much so fast was overwhelming but he also felt happy. He couldn't remember what had happened after his fall but he knew he felt dead without Steve and now he could really start to live again. At least he hoped so. The flash of memories faded, leaving his body shivering flushed and tears staining his cheeks and the kiss, which he broke slowly, left him breathless.
He lowered his gaze for a moment then looked at Steve. I remember us. Not everything but... some of it, he said and swallowed, the flesh hand still on Steve's face he ran his thumb over Steve's cheekbone. You were... you... I love you, he whispered, his eyes boring into Steve's.
gpt
Steve stopped talking about the chair as soon as he saw Bucky wince. He had hoped to make the other feel better, knowing that his brain would heal, looks like he'd made it worse though. He had to blush when he realized Bucky remembered them being lovers and licked his lips, nervous about what Bucky might have been thinking. He stayed silent for a moment, letting Bucky think, he didn't want to push, or pull, or pressure his best friend. His Lover. He gasped softly when Bucky leaned forward and kissed him, it was a surprise to say the least. A very nice surprise. Steve could no more have rejected the kiss than he could have rejected the need to breath.
Kissing Bucky had been a part of his life for so long that he was kissing back before he even realized they where actually kissing. Sure it was a chaste kiss, at first, but it was a kiss and Steve accepted it eagerly. His hands settled on Bucky's waist, still so familiar, when the other deepened the kiss, moving his mouth against Bucky's. Breath hot and lips soft, a slight moan escaping Steve as they kissed. Half anticipating something more. Half expecting Bucky to roll them over, depending on what he wanted. Steve on Top, or Steve on bottom, or just a mutual hand job in the silent darkness. Wary of listeners, wary of sneaks, wary, frightened, terrified of being caught. He moaned again, shuddering as they pressed closer, his own memories flooding him. Remembering the times when he'd been too sick, too skinny but had insisted anyway. Had enjoyed it anyway. Stolen touches wherever they could get it, hiding in dark caves and in tents and hoping to god no one caught them.
B-Bucky? Steve managed to stutter when he realized the other was crying, feeling panic rush through him. Had he hurt Buck? Had he made it worse?! you remember? he asked, looking frantic and worried. Why did remembering upset Bucky?! He was in way over his head. oh... he startled, eyes wide as he stared at his lover before he smiled, setting his hand on Bucky's cheek as well, just to feel the warm skin and the brush of stubble that he had always loved. i Love you too Buck. he whispered his promise. i'll always love you. he leaned forward, gave him another lingering kiss before pulling away. i think you need to rest. he admitted, gently wiping the tears away. you must be exhausted. Come on. I have some Pajamas you can borrow. They might be a little big but they're soft and comfortable. he assured Bucky with the faintest smile. Shy, but eager to please, as he always had been. then you need to sleep. Sleep is important you know, even if we don't need as much of it. he kissed Bucky's forehead and then ushered him into soft pajamas. They where a set Tony had gotten him, something called Dr. Who. The dark blue with bright white patterns made Bucky look rather cute and Steve was very glad that Tony had gotten him them. Now he just had to convince Bucky it was okay to go to sleep. The nap would do wonders for the both of them he was sure.
human
The sounds of Steve's moans sent jolts of electricity right to his groin but despite the urge and remembering how they used to move together he couldn't bring himself to do it. There used to be so much love and emotion to them. And while he knew he loved Steve, felt it even, he needed more before he took that plunge. He felt like it owed it to Steve to remember more of their times together before he just... went for it. He used to flirt and date girls, to keep suspicions down, even took a few to bed before he and Steve both smartened up and admitted what they felt for each other, though he didn't remember that yet. He wanted to do right by Steve. He wanted to remember everything about him.
Hearing Steve words, the promise within them made Bucky feel like everything was as it should be. For now. He wasn't perfect, there were so many gaps in his memory. But he couldn't deny he felt like he was exactly where he was meant to be. By Steve's side. And someday he'd help in other ways. In any way he could. But for now he had a lot of work he had to do on himself and on his relationship with his best friend and lover. He returned the kiss and nodded his head, accepting Steve's words.
Steve flew into a different mode before Bucky's and was ushering him into a pair of pyjama pants. He looked down at them, unsure of what the patterns and colours represented but they were soft and comfortable. He glanced at the bed, he used to sleep with Steve, so why not sleep beside him now? Steve always used to be on one side more than the other, he remembered that. He didn't remember why he always made an effort for that though, or which side he'd been on. Hearing. There was something wrong with his hearing. But that was gone now because of the serum. Everything that had been wrong with Steve had been fixed. Though part of his brain got defensive at the notion of it being 'wrong', there had never been anything wrong with Steve. He was sick. But it was who he was. It was good it had been fixed though. Because then he didn't have to worry about a draft giving the blonde pneumonia.
Bucky seemed far away for a moment after having gotten the pants on but then just reached down and tugged the sheets back and settled onto the bed. It was weird. Too soft. He'd spend so long just sleeping propped up against walls on the floor. It's soft, he murmured, shifting a bit on the mattress then looked to Steve. You're sleeping too right? He asked, his gaze locking onto the blonde. He didn't want to be alone now.
gpt
Steve hadn't wanted the kissing to end, but Bucky was far more important than some sort of sexual gratification. Steve just didn't have it in him to be so selfish and he wanted Bucky to trust him. Forcing himself on the other, o matter how horny and desperate, was something Steve could never, would never do. Steve focused instead on making sure Bucky was comfortable and relaxed. Made sure his long time lover, best friend, Brother, everything that had ever mattered to Steve, was calm and felt safe. He never realized that Bucky was thinking about all the things that had been wrong with him, though Steve was thinking about it too. A bad ear, nearly total deafness on one side. Scoliosis that had made Running very challenging on Steve even walking. Steve had often had to choose between walking slow but looking normal, or walking fast with an odd little hip sway that would allow him to walk in a straight line instead of sidling to the left. Which was his deaf side, so Bucky always stood, sat, moved on Steve's right side so that Steve wouldn't sidle into him and could hear him.
The bed too, Steve had often been so small, so sick. Asthma so bad he would sometimes wake in the night, gasping for air that wouldn't come. Asthma so bad he had to wear a mask during the fall because otherwise his Hay Fever would get so bad he'd end up in the hospital. A sensitive stomach. A heart murmur that had often been so painful all Steve could do was lay there and clutch his chest until it passed, sometimes wondering if this was what a heart attack felt like and if it was finally the attack that would kill him. He'd had arthritis in his joints, his knees and wrists specifically, even in his fingers. Sometimes so bad that on the cold winter nights he could hold neither a pencil nor a fork to eat with, and Bucky had to feed him. He had been color blind too, Protanopia. Red, orange, yellow, and some shades of the brighter green had been nothing more than shades of gray and black. Flowers had held very little appeal because they where just gray forms in a gray world. When the serum had fixed his eyesight, he had been stunned by the new colors. He still had problems with them, but then, he understood that it could take years to adjust to the new colors in his world. There had been a reason, other than not being able to afford the fancy pencils with color inside, that Steve had drawn only in lead pencil. People couldn't tell then, that he didn't know the colors. In a gray-scale picture, all he needed to know was how dark, how light, and how to shade. There was no difference then.
Back when he had been sick constantly, due to an immune deficiency that had never been properly diagnosed. Problems with his thyroid, or so the medical personnel at Shield guessed. Because he was sick all the time he had also been cold all the time. Tired, achy, grumpy. He had no control over himself sometimes. Still, Bucky had been warm, and when Steve was too sick to get out of bed, Bucky had laid next to him, sharing body heat so that Steve wouldn't get too cold. Especially in the winters. Steve had always hated the cold and after being frozen that hadn't changed at all. In fact it had gotten a lot worse. He didn't even run the air conditioner in his house. It wasn't hot enough to need one yet and even then he doubted he'd turn it on unless Bucky got uncomfortable. yeah. I'm sleeping too. Steve promised with a smile. budge over so I can lay on my left side. he ordered. Habit still to lay on his left, so he could keep his good ear up and listen for anything that might happen. They had been robbed a time or two while living in Brooklyn while he was tiny and small and the paranoia had bled over. He smiled a little as he closed his eyes, content to be with Bucky.
it took me a long time to get used to a bed. Steve admitted after a while. after I woke up from the ice I mean. They where so soft. Too soft. I slept on the floor for a week before someone noticed and insisted I get used to the beds. he admitted. so if you have problems we can move to a cot or an air mattress until your a little more comfortable.
human
Bucky hesitated when he was told to budge over. He didn't think Steve'd want to sleep by his metal arm. It wasn't him. Not really. But it was. He felt it was part of him now. He just didn't know if Steve would understand. Hydra had given him the arm. But he controlled it now. He always had. They'd just controlled him as a whole for a while. Now he was himself. And he was growing. He was where he was always supposed to be, where he was meant to be. Bucky scooted over, giving Steve the room he wanted.
He though a moment about Steve's words about the bed. No. I like it. I feel like I'm floating, he said quietly and turned his face towards Steve and looked over his face as he laid still with his eyes closed. I like feeling like this. It's so different than what I'm used to. I don't want to go back to that, he admitted quietly before he turned his head to stare up at the ceiling. He let out a quiet sight and shifted back, propping himself up a little so he could see things a little better.
His blue eyes moved around the room and then to the window. He knew he wouldn't be able to fall asleep right away so he just laid there, looking around the room and taking in the furniture, gaze flicking to the window and staring for a few moments, waiting for movement or any sign of threats. Before he'd look back to Steve, study his handsome face. Eventually his head got heavy and he rested it against the headboard before his eyes began to droop and he let sleep take over.
The dreams were inconsistent. Patches of memories. Good, bad, terrifying and happy with everything in between. He'd hoped with Steve there the dreams wouldn't come. Of if they did they would only be happy, good dreams. Though it seemed while he felt safe his brain picked this time to remember more of what he'd done and what had been done to him.
More faces, contorted in pain and fear moments before their final breath and their life ripped from them. Then screams, being ripped from his own throat as he tried to tell them his name, rank and serial number. His arm felt light. It was missing, nothing but a ragged, stinking stump as the flesh rotted. Then they showed him the paper. Captain America was dead. He'd crashed a plane to prevents bombs from reaching the Eastern USA.
Bucky sat up, his breath catching in his throat as he did. He glanced at the clock. He'd been asleep for 42 minutes. He frowned and raked his fingers through his hair then dropped his head back with a dull thunk against the headboard. He looked over at Steve for a moment before he pushed the sheets back and slipped from the bed silently. Bucky walked on the balls of his feet, moving silently through the room and into the bathroom. He ran the water and rinsed his face, then rubbing it over his neck to cool off. He slipped from the bathroom and into the kitchen to get some water.
He didn't want to disturb Steve's sleep so he checked out the house a little bit, checking the window frames before he sat down at the kitchen table with his glass refilled.
gpt
"yeah. i like it for that reason too." Steve admitted with a smile. "like laying on a cloud." he mumbled. he was so tired. he didn't need much sleep. a few hours a night, but the head injury and the stress and shock of the day made him exhausted. "i won't ever let you go, Bucky. i won't let them take you again." he promised, taking the others hand. "your home now. your safe." Bucky was back, and Steve would kill to keep the other safe. even if h had to go to ground, hide away for a while. anything to keep Bucky safe, even if he had to move in to stark Tower the way Tony had been pressing him to. but that was something to decide later, depending on if trouble popped up or not. he was asleep in moments, breathing softly as he slept. he didn't even twitch when Bucky slipped out of the bed, dead to the world or maybe just trusting Bucky that much. either way he stayed asleep while Bucky checked out the house. each window was locked electronically, but could be opened with a simple press of a button from the inside only and closed as soon as outside movement larger than a bird was detected. being that Tony had basically built the house, it was unsurprising that it was full of tech and electronics designed to keep Steve as safe as possible. all of it run by Jarvis.
Steve woke slowly, blinking a little. something was wrong, something was out of place. not where it was supposed to be. oh, Bucky wasn't in the bed. where was he? had he left!? Steve flung back the blankets, checking for a letter. nothing. shit. he slipped out of the bed, checking the time. he'd only been asleep for two hours. not uncommon for him. "Buck?" he asked, slipping out of the room, the house was dark and silent and Steve felt an uncomfortable cold pressure build up in his chest. Bucky was gone, he'd left, he was alone again. well, if Bucky thought that he was just going to let the little bastard take off again he was dead wrong! he'd get Tony in on the search this time! that would teach Bucky! oh, Bucky was right there. now he felt bad. "Buck? you okay? why are you sitting in the dark?"
human
Bucky lifted his head a bit, his gaze shifting from the glass of water to the wall when he heard Steve's voice saying his name from the bedroom, he could call out. But he figured Steve'd just go back to sleep when he didn't answer. Then footsteps, he could almost palpate the fear the other man was radiating and he frowned, he hadn't meant to cause Steve any sort of distress. He turned his head, so his eyes could see Steve in the darkness. He let his fingers grip the glass lightly and lifted it. Thirsty, he commented, dropping his gaze once more.
And I had a nightmare. Sometimes I yell. I didn't want to wake you, he offered before lifting the glass to his lips and noticed for the first time his hand was shaking. He took a quick drink then set it down, a little harder than he meant and a few drops of water sloshed out of the glass, not enough to constitute as a mess though.
Once, dreaming, I punched a hole in a wall. Concrete wall, he said, a soft whirring filled the room as he flexed his fingers and rolled the wrist of his left hand a few times before letting the hand rest on the table. I don't want to hurt you either, he said. And it was true. If the nightmare was bad enough, he could react unconsciously and hurting Steve wasn't high on his agenda, not anymore.
Now that he was in charge of his own life, and having just kissed the man and thoroughly enjoyed it, he wanted to explore that route of their lives, see if there was something salvageable. He hoped there was. It had brought such a feeling of euphoria to have his lips against the other's. And to have Steve's hands on him. He wanted more of that. But he didn't know the social customs of how to go about that. Of course it was probably the first time a situation like this had happened and there were no social customs.
Bucky looked back at Steve, watching him silently for a moment. Can you tell me a story about us? From before. Maybe how we started doing... the ya know? He asked, wondering how they'd come to begin having a physical relationship.
gpt
Steve sighed a little and shook his head. "sorry... i had a bit of a dream too." he admitted. "i thought maybe you had been a dream." he admitted before smiling a little at the other. "it's fine. i yell too, i have horrible nightmares." he admitted, settling down at the table, finding the darkness oddly comforting. like when they where younger and decided not to pay the electricity bills so they could have more money for food. they'd often cooked meals in the pitch black, the only light from candles and the wood stove that they cooked on. it was comfortable then, and seamed nostalgic now. "i've never punched anything during my nightmares." he admitted. "i did strangle Sam once though." he admitted with a wince. "i thought he was Zolo." he admitted, watching Bucky. "you can't hurt me Buck. and even if you do manage t hit me it won't hurt me for long. i won't hesitate to toss you on your ass if you attack me. i've been training with Natasha you know. i've learned a lot of things." he admitted. "you can attack me, but i'm pretty confident i can stop you." he, more than anyone, understood what it was like to be afraid of hurting the people he cared about.
"A story?" Steve asked with a smile. "sure. of course. let's see... when did we start having sex...." he muttered. "well. like most things that happened to us, it was all my fault." he admitted, looking very amused. "i came into puberty a lot later than most and i didn't start having any physical urges of any kind until we where living together." he admitted. "Tony thinks it's because i was never really interested in anyone but you." he admitted. "for all i know, or care, that's true." he admitted. "it was a harder winter than most. i was down with a cold and i just couldn't get warn at all. it was so cold and we couldn't afford to turn the heater up and the stove had gone out hours ago..." he recounted, thinking about it. "you where just holding me, tight as you could and you where so warm." he admitted. "i wasn't wearing any clothes of course, i never did like wearing clothes to bed because they where always so loose and it felt like they where strangling me in my sleep. we couldn't afford many clothes, so i just wore yours since you had to look good for work and stuff." he admitted. "anyway we where laying there and i was thinking about how nice and warm you where and how good you smelled and... well..." here he flushed. "i got hard and all embarrassed and you tried to make me feel better and i'm still not sure who started it or how it happened but i blinked and we where kissing and the next thing i know you where inside of me, making me feel more pleasure than m few aborted attempts at masturbation." he admitted, smiling. "best day of my life really." he admitted. "even if you did catch my cold." he admitted with a chuckle. "Sex was pretty rare for us unfortunately, because i was so sick all the time, but we used to give each other a lot of hand jobs until you where shipped off to war and i followed." he admitted.
human
I can hurt you. I did, he pointed out and shifted on the table so he was semi-facing Steve rather than fully facing the table when he sat down. Even though Steve had managed to knock him out at one point, and had refused to fight after a point, he had walked away from that fight and Steve hadn't. Had it been a fair fight, he really didn't know who would win. But he didn't want to find out anymore. He nodded his head to Steve's words. I think you could. But I'd rather not put you in the position to have to try.
When Steve agreed to tell him the story of how they started having sex he folded his arms on the table, lowered himself to rest his head on his forearms and tilted his head to watch Steve as he spoke. He felt... odd at the sensation of how amused Steve looked. Something in his chest fluttered seeing Steve happy. Seeing him healthy and happy made something inside of him happy. He didn't recall that feeling but he was beginning to realize what it was and Steve being happy was very important to him. The more Steve told him, the more he understood these feelings were so powerful because it was like his heart and soul remembered he had to protect Steve and keep him safe. But could he keep him safe from himself?
Bucky stayed silent after the story ended then sat up abruptly and turned his head to look behind him. It was small. Real small. It was only supposed to be for one then... then Sarah died, he mumbled, his voice barely a whisper. He stood and walked through the halls, back into the bedroom and he looked at the bed then turned and looked at the wall opposite the bed. There was art pinned up, I used to look at it before going to sleep before you lived there, he said and reached a hand to press against the wall. His gaze moved from the wall to his metal fingers and he pulled his hand back quickly, frowning at the shiny metal fingers.
I don't remember what touches like those feel like. Or to be safe. Happy, he swallowed and turned his gaze to look around the room. Why don't you have any of your sketches up? Do you still draw? He asked, brows furrowing. Did you draw?
gpt
he snorted a little. "you had an entirely unfair advantage." he complained, sulking at the other. "i know you don't want to be in the position." he admitted, wondering if he could get Tony to make something. probobly, he'd text the other later. Steve moved his arms and hands as he talked, he had always been an animated talker. he startled when James suddenly sat up and blinked at him a little. "oh. yeah." he nodded. "the apartment we had was really small. really it wasn't even big enough for you alone, but we made it work." he admitted. "you insisted on me moving in after my Ma died, because i was always so sick i couldn't always take care of myself." he admitted before smiling a little. "yeah, i used to draw you things, and i'd snitch a few magazines or pinups from the stands when i could get away with it." he admitted with an impish grin. "i used to go picking pockets sometimes when you where gone at work. you used to get so pissed off." not that James could talk, since he was the one who taught Steve how to in the first place. Steve used to snark that James was just jealous because Steve could do it better.
"you'll remember." Steve promised, running his hands up James arms. both of them the same way. "you'll remember, and if you don't, then i'll just have to teach you again." he promised with a smile, gently squeezing the others shoulders. "i used to." Steve admitted, smiling sadly. "but the more i tried to draw, the more the drawings kept turning into you and making me think of things i could never have again so i stopped because it hurt too much. i paint a bit, here and there. Ton got them for me. i paint things like trees and the skyline and stuff. things that won't make me think of things from the past." he admitted. "i like the bright colors." he admitted. "now that i can actually see them. i really like to use them in my paintings, though i tend to stick to grey scale in my drawings. in my paintings i can at least claim they're abstract if i get the colors messed or mixed up." despite being able to see the colors now, he'd gone most of his life never seeing them. so his brain still got confused on what color was what. especially if there was a lot of color. "here. i still have my sketchbooks." he admitted, heading over to his drawing table and picked up the last sketch he had been working on, a picture of Bucky of course, younger, smooth skinned, grinning out at the viewer while wearing his nifty Army uniform.
human
When Steve stood in front him, running his hands up and down his arms Bucky let out a quiet hum of appreciation. He didn't realize how much he actually craved feeling skin against his own, or even just a gentle touch. Bucky lowered his gaze as he racked his brain, trying to remember if he'd had a friend among the Hydra teams. If there was someone who'd just nudge him, clap his shoulder. He couldn't see the faces of people he'd worked alongside so he couldn't imagine much camaraderie between him and them. He was just a weapon to them. A tool to be used to cause death and destruction.
Bucky turned his head, following Steve's motions then reached out to take the sketch from Steve, he let his eyes run over the lines or charcoal creating an almost picture like image of himself. But he looked so different. Even from the way he looked in those pictures at the Smithsonian. The sketch Steve had drawn from memory was... he was young and happy. The lines of his body relaxed. This is amazing, he said quietly, his gaze flicking to Steve's face. I don't remember being this happy, he whispered, tracing his flesh fingers over the paper and then handing the piece of art back to his friend.
He glanced at the drawing table before looking back to Steve and searching his face. I'm sorry I caused you so much pain Steve. I know it wasn't my fault, not directly. But I was still the cause of some of it and I'm sorry you had to go through that, he said and licked over his lower lip. I remember a paper. They showed me a paper... you were dead. The plane crash. When I woke up in the snow they took me to a cell. It was dark. Name, rank and serial number. All I told them for days. Felt like weeks then they brought in the paper. I didn't know the reason I gave up then. But it was you. You were dead so I didn't want to live. Didn't have anything to tell them, so why keep fighting if you weren't there to go home to? He swallowed and sat down the bed, his gaze far away as he remembered.
They wanted to make me kill. But I refused. For a long time I refused. You weren't there to go home to but I couldn't just kill, he shook his head, face contorting as he rake his fingers through his hair. I didn't want to become this Steve. I truly didn't, he stated, his blue eyes begging Steve to believe him.
gpt
Steve smiled a little as he stroked the others arms, enjoying the hum. "it was pretty rare, you being that happy." he admitted. "this was just before we went to the Stark Expo. you got us a date each even though i hated girls." he admitted with a chuckle. "being gay back then was bad, people would have stoned us or we would have gone to prison or something nasty. so we had to hide our dates as double dates. you where really good at it but i never did manage it very well. most people just thought i was awkward thankfully." he admitted with a smile. "that was our last date together before you where shipped off to fight Nazi soldiers, and i told you that you looked really dashing in your Sergent's uniform." he admitted. "and then i got pissed off because you said i was the best Dame you ever had." he admitted with a chuckle. "i almost refused to have sex with you. almost."
"it wasn't your fault Buck." he promised with a smile. "the only reason why it ever hurt so much, was because i loved you." he admitted. "i still love you. with everything i have i love you." he promised. "yeah. i wasn't really... you know. stable when you fell. at the time i thought you where dead and you where all i had in life." he admitted. "so i crashed the plane. figured i could join you again in death. heaven or hell, it didn't matter so long as i could be with you again." he admitted with a smile. "it wasn't until i woke up in that crappy little hospital... that i realized i probobly could have survived jumping off the train to go after you." he admitted. granted, he would have been pretty useless, since the plain crash had broken his back, but at least they would have been together. "i don't know how long it took before they gave up looking for me, but i know the paper hit the streets about a month after you fell." he admitted.
he sat next to James and nodded. "i know James. i know this isn't what you wanted. they un-made you until you didn't even know up from down. all you could do was obey. do what they told you to. they unmade you James and no one can stand up to that." he admitted softly. "you can't be blamed, everyone has a breaking point and they exploited yours and when they still couldn't get you to do what they wanted. you chose, to not be what they wanted, they made you into something else and that is not your fault. you fought them with everything you had and that's what matters most." he admitted, gently taking Bucky's hand. just holding it. "your free now. you won't ever have to do anything like that again." he promised. "you'll be okay now." he promised. "it might not be right away, but you'll recover from this like we have everything." he smiled at him. "come on. we'll hit my gym, punching bags always makes me feel better, maybe it'll make you feel better too. and Tony made me special bags that can't be broken. he used something stronger than Kevlar if you can believe that."
human
The scoff was out before he could even think about it. If I said that then you shouldn't have. I can't imagine you ever being compared to a dame, he chuckled, shaking his head as he let out a deep breath he'd been holding for such a long time. He leaned back, letting his back rest against the bed as he stared up at the ceiling and let out a slow breath. From the fragments I can remember you were the toughest guy around. Maybe you couldn't hold your own but you never backed down from a fight. Not saying a woman can't but a dame is kinda different, he reasoned and tilted his head to look at Steve.
Bucky propped himself up and stared at Steve's handsome face as he admitted to crashing the plane, part of him knew it had been because of him. Captain America could have gotten that plane down without those bombs going off and without the crash. But if their positions had been switched, he knew in his guts he'd have done the exact same thing. He didn't remember his love for Steve Rogers but he knew it in his gut. He felt it.
Bucky laughed. Great. Yeah, giving Hydra two super assassins. Maybe you'd have lost your right arm and then we'd be a perfect match, he said and gave his head a shake as he glanced towards Steve. He was bitter, he knew it. And he was angry. He could always feel the angry bubbling just below the surface. It was easier to handle than the fear he felt though. Fear of the chair, the chamber where the ice came. But Steve didn't deserve to be on the receiving end of either of those emotions.
Bucky frowned as he pushed himself into a sitting position. You don't know. You don't. What they did. What they made me do and what I did. The point is that I did break and I become this. I became the Winter Soldier or The Asset or whatever else people have taken to calling me, he dropped his gaze to their hands and gave Steve's a gentle squeeze.
They won't stop. They're going to keep trying to get me back. I killed so many of theirs. After D.C. I mean. I was so angry I just... I wanted to hurt them. Hydra. So badly it was all I could think about. And I didn't know why I was angry. I think part of it is cause they took me away from you. And cause they used me to hurt you, he said as he closed his eyes and his grip on Steve's hand tightened.
He nodded his head at the idea of going to Steve's gym. As horrible as it may sound, beating the shit out of a bag of sand may just make me feel a little better. Not as good as a face of some Hydra goon but it'll do, he reasoned and looked at their hands then back to Steve's face and looked over his face then into his eyes. "And I love you too. I may not remember us, but I can feel it."
gpt
he snorted a little. "you forget how small i was back then." he admitted. "when i wore a dress i really did look like a Dame." he admitted. "honestly i think you just enjoyed how cute i looked when i was pissed at you." he admitted with a chuckle. "i could hold a grudge for months against anyone, but i could barely last a whole minute against you." he admitted. "you where just too cute for me to really be annoyed with i guess." he admitted before he smirked at James. "i was always getting into trouble, whether i could handle it or not. you used to walk the back alleys looking for me, because you knew i'd be in one of them, getting my ass kicked." he admitted with a smile before shrugging. "i used to just tell you where i was going to be everyday and when and you'd just go check on me ever once and a while. some days, i even stayed out of trouble, just to keep you on your toes." he admitted with a grin.
"i doubt they would have been able to break us if we'd been together." he admitted. "we would have done the same as we always did. band together and kicked some ass i'm sure." he admitted with a smile. "in any case, there's no changing the past i guess. Tony hasn't figured out Time Travel yet." he admitted, smiling at James sarcasm, looking at his own right arm. "i almost did lose it actually. during the Chitauri invasion. it got crushed." he admitted. "but Bruce is one of the best, he was able to fix it up like nothing at all happened." he admitted. "the others where super furious when they found out." they had not been very happy that he had kept such a serious injury a secret.
"i don't know for a fact no, but i now what i've seen." he admitted. "i know what Natasha's told me. she was KGB, a Black Widow since she was six. she knows better than anyone what it's like to be unmade." he admitted. "i know that they had to have done horrible, despicable things to make you break and that those things are probably traumatizing you even now as you slowly begin to remember." he admitted before he smirked at Bucky. "oh. they'll give up someday, even if we have to destroy ever single person attached to Hydra." he admitted. "they will stop someday, because someday they will all of them, be dead, either by our hands or another." he promised. "someday, you won't have to be worried anymore." he promised. "it might not be anytime soon, but it will happen."
"alright. come on." he urged, grinning as he got to his feet and tucked Bucky to his. "it's downstairs." he admitted. "i had it put int he basement, there was more room down there." he admitted. "Tony made everything special for me too." he admitted before he smiled at Bucky and pulled him into a light kiss. "i will always love you." he promised. "now stop being sappy. you can't kill punching bags when your being sappy." he teased, smiling at Bucky and leading the way down tot he basement. it was very well lit, there was a boxing ring on the middle and a set of bags over in the far left corner hanging from a massive stand that was bolted into walls, ceiling and floor made from some kind of black metal. the bags themselves where about a hundred and fifty pounds heavier than a normal one and made from some kind of Cloth that could actually stand up to the punch of a super soldier. and, just in case, there was a row of backups. in the far right corner there was a treadmill that looked more like a tank. it could go as fast as Steve could run and maintain that speed without exploding, perfect for when Steve didn't want to go outside for his jogs. in the close right corner was a typical free-weight machine, one that could handle everything Steve could life and more and in the left close corner was a endless pool with a hot tub right next to it for Steve to soak in when he was done exhausting himself. "pretty cool right?" Steve asked with a grin.
human
Bucky wasn't expecting the kiss and stared at Steve a moment after before a tiny smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. 'm not a sap, he grunted before following the other down to the basement and looked around. He took everything in, getting to the know the layout rather quickly since it was an open space. He nodded his head. Yea, cool, he agreed, glancing towards Steve once more before his gaze was back out and looking over the room. He eyed the bags, curious as to whether they could actually withstand a round with him and his metal hand. He did have a lot of emotions to get out and maybe Steve was right and this would help.
Bucky wanted to tell Steve everything he could remember about being with Hydra but he wasn't ready to actually put memories into words and make facts for someone else. He walked across the room and towards the bags and gave the one hanging a 'light' hit then glanced back at Steve. So you do this a lot then? he asked and faced the bag. He squared his shoulders, spread his feet then gave the bag a few jabs. It was odd not giving it his all with the metal arm, it was designed to kill and he'd never used it for anything but that.
As he continued to throw punches he got a bit more into it, the memories of ice and electricity and pain flooding over him as he began to throw harder and faster. He didn't sweat the way he used to but his breathing changed with the exertion. Each punch came with a forced exhale. As the punches became more and more intense he suddenly froze just before his left fist hit the bag, he stared the bag then sighed and pushed it as he stepped back. Alright, so you're right. That helps, he said with a small smile and a shake of his head then turned and walked over to Steve.
He searched the other man's eyes a moment before he grabbed his face and pressed his lips against Steve's as he let his body lean against his. He parted his lips to deepen the kiss and lifted his hands to run his fingers through Steve's short hair. I do remember how small you used to be. I could feel the bones of your spine and ribs against my stomach and chest when we slept, he dropped his hands hold Steve's hips. I don't remember you like this though, he sighed against Steve's lips, ceasing the kissing but keeping his lips within a breath of Steve's.
I only remember bad touches, he mumbled and dropped his heads a little as he looked down between their bodies and slid his right hand to rest against Steve's belly and splayed his fingers over him, feeling the dents of his abs. Except yours. Yours were good, he closed his eyes and laughed a bit. Sap. Guess Hydra turned me into a sap, he shook his head and stepped back.
gpt
"you are totally a sap." he teased with a chuckle before grinning a little. "Tony's really a genius." he admitted. "he'll probobly be over sometime in the ext couple of days to geek out on you. that arm of yours is gonna drive him nuts." he admitted. "he can't stand people having, as he calls it, crappy tech." he admitted. "he's my friend, as annoying as he is, so try not to pound his face in okay?" he asked with a smile before letting James loose on the bag. it was something he understood all too well, beating out the pain, the memories, beating out the thoughts that never stopped whirling in his head. beating on the bag so that he could have just a moments peace. "i know." he admitted with a grin. "when the memories get too bad, i tend to do the same thing. beat on a helpless bag. i don't like to Spar like that because i forget myself and might actually hurt my sparring partner." he admitted. "it's better to pound on a bag until i calm down and it's rather cathartic."
"hmmm... sometimes i miss it." Steve admitted leaning into the hands in his hair. he'd always had a surprisingly sensitive scalp. "sometimes i miss being so small a person could pick me up and carry me, especially after a long mission." he admitted before smiling at Bucky. "i was only like this for a few months before you fell." he admitted. "i got like this while you where gone, because i wanted to follow you and this was the only way." he admitted. "you where pretty shocked when you first saw me, though to be fair you had been tortured and i had to unstrap you from a table so you where pretty disoriented anyway." he admitted, smiling as he kissed the other back, hands settling around James shoulders, pulling him in closer. "i'm glad you can remember something good." Steve whispered before smirking. "no. Hydra didn't do shit. if anyone turned you into a sap it was me." he admitted with a smile before sighing and letting the other pull back, his head tilted. "you don't have to stop you know. if you don't want to." he admitted with a smile, reaching out and taking the others hand, just holding it. "come on. i'll make you some breakfast. would you rather have pancakes or omelets? never mind, i'm starving i'll make both."
human
I'm sure I can handle annoying well enough, he said quietly and swallowed. What memories? He asked, glancing at Steve. He was sure there was probably stuff they'd done during the war which would give anyone nightmares, it wasn't easy taking the life of another human. The faces of his victims haunted him constantly. He wondered if it was like that for Steve. We could spar sometime. I can handle you and you can handle me, he pointed out. I don't know how good I am at listening and I'm sure my opinions at this point don't mean much but... I'll listen if you do need to talk Steve, he said. It was weird using the Captain's first name. Steve. So simple yet it made his heart clench and he felt so much guilt for leaving the other man the way he had. And putting him through what he had. Not being there when he was needed most.
Bucky looked down at their hands the looked back to Steve and stepped forward. I can do that ya know, he offered quietly then shook his hand free from Steve's and dipped down a little, he moved his hands to the back of Steve's thighs, gripped him firmly then picked up him and held him against his side. He looked into Steve's eyes and couldn't help the small tug of a smile. I kinda remember this. But... you'd be on my back, he said and pulled his gaze from Steve's face and carried the large and very capable of walking blonde man up the stairs.
Once in the kitchen he set the slightly larger man on his own two feet and glanced at the window. I wasn't allowed windows. Or, well, they never had them. From what I can remember, he said quietly and stared out the window for a few minutes before turning his gaze back to Steve. Can I help? With cooking? He offered, not quiet sure how to make pancakes or omelets but wanting to learn.
gpt
"i'm sure you can too." Steve agreed with a chuckle. "...oh well... just, the war. killing people, fighting Hydra. falling into the ice and being frozen, fighting Aliens. watching Tony fly into that big black hole... mostly it's fighting Hydra though, the memories that are the worst is watching you fall." he admitted softly before smiling a little. "i'd like that. a good spar sometimes is the best thing that helps." he admitted before smiling at Bucky. "sometimes talking helps." he admitted. "other times, it feels like the worst thing in the world." he admitted. "the days i feel like talking, i probobly will. on the days i don't, i probobly won't." he admitted with a shake of his head. "it's hard sometimes, but... if you ever need to talk, i'll be here to listen too." he promised with a smile.
Steve gasped, startled as he was lifted off the floor and scrabbled for a moment, worried he was about to be dropped before he chuckled a little. "give a guy some warning next time." he ordered with a chuckle, looping his arms around James shoulders, pressing his nose into the others neck, just smelling him. "yeah. i'd get tired, i couldn't walk far and you'd have to piggy back me to where we where going." he admitted with a smile. "you where always carrying me places." he admitted with a chuckle, relaxing, letting James carry him up the stairs. "well you have windows now." he admitted. "from what little i know, they stayed mostly underground so they probobly didn't have any." he admitted, smiling a little. "of course you can." he promised. "grab the eggs and milk and the heavy cream out of the fridge for me would you?" he asked, grabbing some bowls and a whisk. he still preferred to do most of his cooking the old fashioned way. "what kind of stuff do you like in your omelets? we used to have them plain, couldn't afford anything to go in them, but we have peppers, onions, garlic, bacon, sausage, mushrooms, anything you like." he offered, cracking the eggs against the counter and cracking them into the bowl one handed as he settled a pan on his stove.
human
They did stay mostly underground, but the doctors and the teams, the handlers... they all had homes with windows, he pointed out quietly. It was a small thing but to him he was always in the dark or on a mission. Life had been divided into those two things. Darkness and being the weapon he was created to be. Bucky turned from Steve to go to the fridge and grabbed the eggs and the milk and scanned the labels for a moment before finding the heavy cream and stepped back, he tapped the door with his foot before going over to the counter. He set everything down rather gently then stood and watched as Steve began cracking the eggs.
I saw some of the battle of New York online. I just saw some clips, not much. Considering everything, he poked Steve's shoulder. It seems people found it hard to believe in aliens, he commented, gaze focused on Steve's face as he cracked the eggs. There was a bit of Iron Man carrying the bomb into the portal, he was alright though right? He survived? That's who it was right? He asked. He'd checked out the batter and then glanced at Steve when he asked what sort of omelet he wanted. I don't remember what all of that tastes like, he admitted with a frown. But umm, maybe just basic since the whole sensitive stomach thing and I haven't had much solid food, he said though he was racking his brain to try and remember what all of those things tasted like.
gpt
he nodded. "it was a way of keeping you lesser than them, people have done it for centuries. the blacks where lesser. the jews where lesser... the mutants are lesser. it's a never ending cycle of people making themselves better by making another person lesser." he admitted softly before smiling at him. "you won't have to go back to that. i promise." he'd fight to the death to make sure that James wouldn't ever have to go back to those monsters. "it was pretty awful." he admitted. "you know... i had spent how many years, to find and destroy that blasted blue box... i thought i finally had, crashing the ship into the ocean after the blue Box, the so called Tesseract, ate through the bottom of the ship. i thought that was the end of it." he admitted. "then Fury calls and asks me about it and i realize that Howard fucking Stark fished it out of the ocean and a man i respected, a man i trusted was making god damn weapons out of what i DIED to keep out of anyone's hands!..." he started when the the bowl in his hands shattered and he flinched, realizing he was bleeding. "i'm sorry." he muttered. "i shouldn't be yelling." he admitted, sighing as he wiped the blood off his hand and started picking up the pieces of the ceramic bowl he'd been about to start the pancake batter in, not really caring that he was still bleeding.
"Tony almost didn't come back out of that stupid hole." he admitted softly. "he fell... he was dead for a few seconds. his heart had stopped, and he wasn't breathing. Hulk, the big green thing, woke him up." he admitted. "i'll do yours plain then." he agreed, wiping up the blood he'd spilled, already healed and unbothered by the damage to his bowls. he broke one nearly every day because he forgot his strength. he got down another bowl and settled in to continue making his pancakes and using a pan he started up some bacon because, it was bacon. he loved bacon. another pan already had a plain omelet going while he mixed up the pancake batter and added already cooked mushrooms, onions and garlic to his omelet. he had eggs every morning so he kept a supply of cooked stuff to go in them. he wasn't too fussy, he threw whatever he had into them. "grab the plates would you?" he asked, indicating the cupboard. "and then flip the bacon?" he asked, handing Bucky the tongs as he used a spatula to flip the plain omelet with a smile, flipping it onto the plate. it was crooked, but it was done perfectly. he didn't care much about making the food look perfect on the plate so long as it tasted good. he'd spent a good long time teaching himself how to cook for James back when they where living together, he was glad to show the other man how far he'd come since then. especially since James didn't remember how may times Steve had nearly burnt their apartment down.
human
Bucky watched Steve as he spoke, his grey-blue eyes never straying from Steve's face. When the bowl shattered Bucky flinched as well and frowned when he saw the blood. Steve, he said quietly, his voice reminiscent of how he'd have spoken 70 years ago. Concern was etched on his face but then Steve was talking again and Bucky blinked, confused a moment. Too much different stimulation at once between the blood, the talking and trying to remember what food tasted like. He got lost in his brain for a moment, hearing the words Steve continued to speak. When he snapped out it less than a minute later his eyes snapped to Steve's hand looked at the healed skin. Yea, okay, he said with a stiff nod and turned away from the counter then paused. Where are the plate? He asked, frowning then looked to Steve and then to where he was told the plates were. He stepped silently to the cupboard and opened it and slipped two out then shut the cupboard.
Once he set the plates beside Steve he took the tongs and then moved to the stove and flipped the bacon, watching how the oil and fat danced in the pan and focused on the sound a moment. Better in the hands of Stark than Hydra, he said after a moment and looked over to Steve. I mean, it's not fair. You should have been able to live your life and you crashed the plane going after... him and it. But the bombs too, you didn't go into the water for nothing, he mumbled, frowning. My guts knot at the idea of you getting hurt, he swallowed and stared down at the bacon as it continued to sizzle noisily.
And the weapons. I mean, not everything is black and white. The weapons, were they before or after New York? Can we fight another alien invasion better with those than without? He asked, shrugging a shoulder. People do stupid things when they thing it's the right thing, lifted his eyes to Steve's face once more. And when they're scared. Aliens are scary. I'm sure a lot of people did some stupid things following that whole thing, he said quietly. And Tony didn't die. You almost died too. You're both still alive though, you shouldn't worry yourself so much about the past Steve. Got a rough future ahead you need to worry about if you're going to keep me around, he tried at a joke but knew it was gonna fall short.
gpt
"i know, i'm sorry. i shouldn't let my temper get the better of me." he admitted, recognizing the tone and reacting to it as he always did before watching the other, worried. he wasn't sure if James was having a flashback or not and he didn't want to startle the other if he was. thankfully James seamed to snap out of it before too long and Steve sighed a little and pointed to the cupboard that had the plates in it. "...yeah. that's true enough." he admitted. "but the truth is, after we died, Howard changed and it wasn't for the better." he admitted. "he became a war monger, you know. and tortured his son. i never said anything to Tony but there are files. people reported Howard to the police for Child Abuse but he was rich enough to bury the reports and avoid getting into any more trouble than the occasional slap on the wrist. "we both know i had no life there." he admitted. "once the war was over, i would have become a lab experiment with no rights. after all, technically speaking, we're not human anymore." he admitted. "it's better i ended up in this time, even if it's overwhelming." he smiled at Bucky. "if i hadn't crashed, i would have never found you again." he pointed out before nodding. "my guts knot, knowing your entire life has been torture." he admitted softly.
"The weapons where built before the Chitauri invasion." he admitted. "Fury claims he only started after Thor appeared, but i backdated as many files as i could and some of them started before i was even pulled off the ice, before they even knew Aliens existed." he admitted. "i'm sure he thought it was the best thing to do, or maybe he was ordered, i don't know. i just don't like it." he admitted. "a lot of people did a lot of stupid things." he admitted before smiling at James. "i didn't come very close this time. i'm a lot more careful these days actually." he admitted. "yu wouldn't believe it of course but, i think i'm finally finding a place where i can settle." Steve had never really fit in anywhere, now he had friends, he had a life, he had a job he loved and best of all, he had Bucky back. sure his PTSD kicked in hard sometimes and he got depressed, but he loved his life now, for the most part. "there's nothing rough about it." he admitted. "Fury owes me one. he'll arrange things." he admitted. "and if he can't Tony can." he admitted with a smile as he cracked the eggs into a second omelet, this one with mushrooms and onions and Garlic. the six egg omelets where rather massive but perfect for a super soldier in need of better but soft food. "want a protein shake?" Steve asked. he had them daily, sometimes six or seven times a day. the protein shakes meant he didn't have to gulp down as much food, so he didn't have to spend so much time cooking instead of things he enjoyed more, like painting, or running. energy bars too where amazing, he loved them. he'd go through three boxes a day just because he liked the novelty of them and because he could carry them with him when he left the house. he was already dumping bananas, blueberries, strawberries and other such things into the blender with yogurt and protein powder and other such things that he liked like Chia seeds and mint. he was a bit of a freak really.
human
If Tony's a Stark then I'm sure he knows about those files on him, Bucky said quietly. There wasn't much Howard didn't know even when it wasn't exactly common knowledge, he sighed, leaning his hip against the counter as he watched Steve. I remember bits of Howard, that's disappointing what happened to him. And it's not excuse but he did see some stuff close to the front lines, maybe he just wasn't mentally capable of handling it on a civilian basis, he mumbled and licked over his lips. So much of the other stuff was coming back to him, it seemed the important things remained hidden, like his brain had stored it further away to keep it pure and away from the darkness he'd known since his fall.
We are human. Just different. Enhanced. We bleed, feel and have emotions. Just because we heal differently doesn't mean we're not human, he frowned, blue-grey eyes staring intensely at Steve's face. If anyone tries to take your rights away I'll kill'em, he mumbled and let his gaze flick back to the food for a moment but it ended falling back onto Steve after he spoke of how his guts knotted and shrugged a shoulder. It's alright. I suppose death would have been worse, nobody to watch over your punk ass in the 21st century if I'd died, he pointed out.
He listened to Steve talk and then something clicked and he lifted his gaze to Steve. Fury's alive? I killed him, he said with a tilt of his head, his eyes drifting as he recalled firing the shots into Steve's apartment and into the man who'd been his mission and moments later he'd been running from Steve which led to the brief altercation on the roof. Very brief.
And there's always been a race to have the deadliest, most powerful weapons. Even between countries, he reminded Steve. Gas, grenades, guns, all of it was changing by the time we hit the front lines. Tanks too. Hydra was always a head though, he frowned. Who can really blame them for using it to try and get ahead? he asked, knowing Steve probably wouldn't agree and he didn't know if he really did agree, but he didn't like something weighing on his friend's mind and if he could, he'd take some of the burden away in any way he could.
I guess? he asked in the way of an answer to the protein shake. He had a feeling he'd be throwing this stuff up but the smell of the eggs cooking had his stomach cramping for real food and if the omelets would be as good as they smelt then he was sure the protein shake would be delicious as well.
gpt
"it's Howard Stark, i'm ot sure, after all these years, there are any files left to find." he admitted. "Tony might not know if there aren't computer records after all." he admitted before grimacing. "no. while it might have been the front lines that made him change, that's no excuse for some of the things he's done to Tony. not that Tony knows i know, he... talks, when he's drunk and for a while there Tony was drunk all the time so i learned some things i don't think i was supposed to. Howard has no excuse at all for the things he's done." he admitted. "i won't tell you because it is Tony's secrete and you don't need that kind of nightmares." he admitted before smiling a little at the other. "that's true, but we both know that's not how people think." it wasn't just the Nazi regimen that had racist and bigoted actions after all. American's did such things every day without even thinking about it. "no ones tried yet." he assured James. "but that doesn't mean they won't try eventually. it's already starting with the Mutants." he admitted.
"yeah, like i need watching." he scoffed. "i am perfectly fine." he admitted, shaking his head a little. "it's a little overwhelming but i'm not nearly as depressed here as i was back home." he admitted, smiling at James. "you don't have to worry so much about me you know." he admitted before hesitating. "ah. well... you did your best." he admitted with a smile. "i think you might even have succeeded for a little bit." he admitted with a chuckle. "but no, he's well and truly kicking." he promised before shrugging a little. "yeah, that's true." he admitted. "but there's a limit James and the Tesseract was well beyond that Limit." he sighed. "but, then again, Fury's always had trouble seeing the line, it's because he's missing an eye i think." he admitted, tapping his own cheek where Fury's eye-patch would be. "i'll make you a shake." he decided with a smile and a shake of his head as he blended a second one for James, piling all the food onto their plates and handing one to James and indicated the chair and Tables so they could eat. "go ahead, eat up." he offered with a smile. "i'll have to go grocery shopping later though, this is the last of my groceries." he admitted. "would you be okay going with me or do you want to stay in while i go?"
human
I have enough nightmares. I'm sure anything Howard's done wouldn't seem too monstrous considering what I've done. Or what's been done to me, he said and watched his friend as he finished up the food and the eggs. I dare them to try with you. Like I said, I'll kill them, he stated, being completely honest and meaning every word.
Well, it's something I always did. Wasn't it? Watching your back. It was sort of my job back in the day, nothing really has to change in that sense. I want to do it, he stated and looked down at the food as he was handed a plate with a huge omelet and a smoothie then nodded his head as he told to go and sit. He sat in the same seat he had earlier.
He nodded his head at the question. Of course I can go with you. Why wouldn't I be okay to go? He asked, lifting his gaze as he looked to Steve curiously then dropped his gaze. I survived alone for a while Steve. I'm not scared of people. And if Hydra comes for me they won't kill. They want to control me again. They've tried, he commented as he cut into the omelet with a fork and inspected it a moment before lifting the fork and taking the piece into his mouth. He chewed slowly before swallowing. Don't remember your cooking being this good either, he said with a teasing smile.
gpt
"well, i don't know." Steve admitted softly. "you never had a personal attachment to the person who you tortured or hurt." he admitted before shaking his head. "never mind. it doesn't matter much in the long run." he admitted before smiling at James. "you don't have to kill people anymore." he promised James with a smile. "well. yeah you've always watched my back." he agreed with a smile. "i've always watched yours as well. i did go across enemy lines on my own to save you." he admitted with a smile. "We'll watch each other." he promised. "keep each other safe and make sure we're all okay." he promised with a smile.
"when i first woke up, the idea of going into a crowd filled me with terror." he admitted. "the idea of going outside was s scary that i would actually start shaking." he admitted. "wasn't sure if you'd have the same problem." he admitted. "im glad your not scared." he admitted. "i still get scared really. actually i think i always did." he admitted with a smile before he growled at the idea of Hydra having James again. "i'll slaughter them if they ever dare try." he promised before huffing. "don't take that tone with me, my food has always been amazing." he growled sulking at James because he had so not wanted the other to remember the masterpieces of charred, burnt and inedible meals he had tried to make when he had first started learning to cook.
human
Bucky watched him as he spoke, studying his face and his pupils, the way his lips, muscles and everything moved in tandem. Each sign telling a story. He knew some, certain things Steve'd do to show he was frustrated or sad or genuinely happy. He didn't remember them. He couldn't put them together in his mind. But he knew in the back of his mind he knew them. So as he watched Steve he tried to remember what was what and how to tell what Steve was feeling without his words. Words were easy to fake, it was easy to say 'I'm fine' when inside you were anything but and he wanted to know how to read that.
I like crowds, it's easier to blend in. Easier to hide if you how, he tilted his head, eyes still focused on Steve as he seemed to forget about the food on the plate in front of him. His stomach already rolling from the small amount he'd ingested. You never liked crowds. Right? He frowned, eyes flicking away from his face as he tried to remember the little guy who he knew Steve used to be. Hiding away in the theater, sitting in the park drawing. I dragged you to dances and expos. But you, yea you preferred being a bit more solitary. You never said no to going out though, he said and set his fork down beside the plate.
In your defense too, the food we got wasn't exactly quality stuff. And we did boil everything back then, he said and allowed himself a few more minutes before eating a little more of the omelette then calling it and pushed the plate away just a little to signify he was, in fact, finished. He'd eaten about a fourth of the large omelette and he did feel a little guilty for not finishing the plate but it had been so long since he'd had something solid and so flavourful.
Also, he added, taking note of Steve's sulking face. My cooking wasn't exactly something to brag about and we lost more than a few days of groceries when it was me in front of the stove. But that was when you were sick. And you probably just don't remember it, he said quietly, feeling a little gnawing feeling in the pit of his stomach as he remembered how sick Steve used to get.
gpt
Steve blinked a little at Bucky and then had to grin because, well, Back had always liked crowds. he had always been a people person, had always enjoyed being the center of attention. Steve had always preferred to, not. "No. i never liked crowds. too many bodies, sometimes if the crowd was too large i felt like i was breathing recycled air." he admitted. "and like that air wasn't enough. sometimes i'd have such bad anxiety attacks it would trigger my asthma and i'd have to sit in a secluded corner and use my inhaler." he admitted with a smile. "i liked to watch from the edges though, watching people has always been fascinating." he admitted. "besides, why would i say no to going out? you where a slut but i loved watching you with women." he admitted with a grin. "i couldn't often do it myself, so i liked to watch you do it instead." he admitted. "sometimes the girls didn't take it too well, but most of them thought it was pretty hot." he admitted with a chuckle before laughing.
"i used to grow some stuff. Tomatoes mostly, so we wouldn't get Scurvy." he admitted with a chuckle. "i managed to grow some skimpy looking potatoes too. i was rather proud of myself." he admitted with a grin before smiling as the other finished up and snagged the plate, gulping down what was left because Steve was still affected by spending twenty plus years going hungry. even during the war, they never had enough food. the army couldn't afford to feed everyone, so they got rations. rations meant hunger and no wasted food, ever. "well... i usually was able to salvage what you ruined and even if i didn't we ate it anyway." he admitted with a chuckle. "i remember." he admitted with a smile. "you used to fuss something terrible." he admitted. "i don't get sick anymore." he admitted with a sigh. "sometimes i miss it." he admitted, smiling at Bucky. "not because i enjoyed it but... well it doesn't matter anymore i guess." he admitted, scraping out the last of the food and set the dishes in the sink. "come on. we'll go shopping and we can spend the rest of the afternoon by the T.V. or something." he offered with a smile.
human
Bucky was surprised to hear Steve talk about watching him with women before they'd gone to war. It was like a dividing point in their lives. Before the war, after the war, and now they could add after Hydra if everything went as planned and he himself was actually able to cope and remain with Steve in one way or another. But he was still curious as to why he'd have sex with a woman in front of Steve and not with Steve himself. He kept the question to himself for another time. The word slut was one he knew the definition of though, so if he was a slut he probably enjoyed multiple different partners back then. He couldn't for the life of them give them a face though.
Bucky stood when Steve said they'd go do some shopping and walked over to the counter to be closer to him. Why do you miss being sick? You didn't just get colds Stevie, you'd get the sniffle then the next day you'd be on your deathbed, he frowned, lowering his gaze at the memories. They were stashed away with the bad memories, as far as he was concerned they were just as bad as the memories of what Hydra had done to him.
If we're going shopping I'm going to need to borrow some clothes, Bucky uttered as his gaze drifted down to look over himself still clad in the Dr. Who pajamas Steve and put him in before they'd laid down for some rest.
gpt
Steve smiled a little at Bucky and shook hs head. "i miss it because as miserable as it was, ou'd take care of me..." he admitted softly. "people seam to think that because i have the Serum now i don't get hurt, or sick, or have days where i just want to lay in bed and have someone fuss over me... with the dreams an the memories i get depressed and all i want to do is curl up on the floor with a bowl of chocolate and think about the way the world used to be." he admitted. "back when it made sense." he admitted. "back when i still had you." he admitted. "it was miserable, and horrible, and i thought i was going to die so many times because f some stupid head cold... but at least i wasn't alone all the time, you where there and you'd take care of me and even if i never said it i loved that." he admitted before smirking a little at the other. "i dunno, i think our super cute in the PJ's." he admitted. "Come on, i'll see what i can dig up for you." he promised with a grin.
in the end they where close enough to the same size for James to make his own selection. "A Lot of people keep supplementing my wardrobe." Steve admitted when he flung open his walk in closet. "apparently owning three shirts and two pairs of pants means i don't have any idea how to shop for clothes and people started getting me things so help yourself." it had to be the most eclectic collection ever. from slacks to button ups to leggings and wife beaters. leather pants and jeans, shorts and Capri and there was even a pair of assless chaps in there that Steve flushed about and mumbled that Tony was a dick with a terrible sense of humor. still, Steve had kept them so he either really liked having Tony as a friend or he really liked the assless chaps. it was hard to be sure with Steve. once James was dressed though, Steve happily led him out of the house and down the street, pausing to ask a tiny little old lady if she needed anything from the store. her reply that her grandson had just gone shopping for her made him smile. that was Steve though, he hated seeing anyone without help and always went out of his way to help anyone who might need it.
he headed for the local grocery store only a block down and grinned at James. "i know your probobly well used to it by now, but i love the new centuries grocery stores. sometimes i pick out something i've never had before. there's a lot. there's this thing called Sushi that Tony insisted i go to... it was raw fish but it was actually pretty good. never eat the wasabi." he warned, babbling about things he'd had that he'd never before, like that was a Kiwi, they where pretty sweet but your not supposed to eat the fuzzy outside. and that was a mango, the seed inside was almost bigger than the fruit was. and those where dragon fruits ut he was too scared to try those. "Hey Bucky? what are Eggrolls do you think?" Steve wondered, staring into the freezer section. "it's Chinese i think.Sam ordered some Chinese once but it was this stuff called Lo-mien and it was pretty darn good." he admitted. "we're gonna try it." he decided pulling them out of the freezer and tossed them into the cart on top of all the fruit Steve had picked up. apples and banana's and pears, peaches and plums and all the things he loved most but that had been so rare during their childhood. "are you still lactose intolerant?" Steve asked Bucky. "you used to be, but i know that they put some form of the Serum in you, so..." after all Steve's Serum had fixed everything in Steve, maybe it had done the same to Bucky?
human
The serum means you need someone to keep a closer eye on you more than ever, Bucky mumbled, hands shifting to slip into the pockets of the pajama pants. You put too much pressure on yourself. Always did. You think it's your job to do things which should fall on others, he spoke quietly, his eyes taking on a distant look for a moment before following Steve to his bedroom to change. He looked towards the closet, glancing at all the different articles of clothing in there.
Bucky just ended up plucking a pair of dark jeans, an undershirt then a long-sleeved shirt. He looked down at himself and then to Steve. Whoever is buying you these clothes wants to sleep with you, he said, glancing at Steve. They're all two sizes too small, a light smile slipped onto the corner of his mouth as his had a bit of mischievous sparkle just waiting to burst out. There was still so much of Bucky just below the surface, waiting to break free from what Hydra had done to him.
Bucky paused back a bit when Steve spoke with the elderly lady then fell into step beside his friend, his senses all on high alert for any possible threat. It wouldn't take Hydra long to come after him if they figured out where he was. He was beginning to doubt his decision to find Steve out but then Steve was speaking and he seemed at such ease. Bucky forced himself to relax as he wandered over to where the other man was and listened quietly, answering when asked a question. I'm not really used to them. Haven't gotten much into the solid foods yet so I haven't really experimented, he replied, picked up a box of egg rolls when Steve drew his attention to it and flipped it over to look at the picture of an open one. It just veggies and pork inside a pastry, he said and set the box down when Steve put his in the cart.
At Steve's question he frowned, shaking his head. I didn't know I was and I don't know if I still am, he said, not exactly sure what Steve was asking. Bucky paused, the hairs on the back of his neck stood up and he looked quickly at Steve before slipping down an aisle and walked out the front doors of the grocery store. His pace was casual and easy as he moved behind the grocery store, there were a few men around the loading docks with their trucks idling. Bucky slowed, he heard footsteps rushing behind him and then slowing as they approached.
Leave. Don't tell anyone where I am, he stated, his voice low, dangerous.
A scoff was the reply he got. I already called them. You're valuable. A perfect killer when programmed properly. But just like any weapon, it needs to be calibrated, Bucky turned to face the man and squared his shoulders, eyes narrowing at the commando standing a safe distance from him.
Bucky jerked forward and smirked when the man flinched. Captain Rogers didn't bring his shield. Unless he's got a new collapsible one then he's pretty vulnerable right now, you going to risk him by putting up a fight?
Bucky's jaw clenched and he stalked forward but turned to catch a bullet which happened to be a tranquilizer and back up, keeping the new guy and the other one in his vision. He didn't have anyway to warn Steve but they were only two though the new guy was completely covered in black with a white across his chest. The one he'd already spoken to stepped back and sat on the loading docks. You guys are going to want to run away, he warned the workers who stumbled inside to warn everyone inside. After seeing what had happened with the aliens a few years back and then in DC and pretty much everything, the civilians were taking no chances.
The workers skidded out of the back, yelling for everyone to get out and go through the front doors.
Bucky and Crossbones remained still, just staring at each other before Crossbones took the initiative and ran towards Bucky who dropped to a knee, twisted and threw his metal elbow into the man's gut. Pushing up his hand balled into a fist, catching the jaw of the mask and throwing him backwards. He didn't give the other time to recover as he moved to bring his fist down on his skull.
Crossbones latched onto the metal and grabbed a small knife sheathed in his boot and shoved it between the metal plating near the shoulder junction of Bucky's left arm. The arm spasmed and Bucky was quick to try and retreat but with the way the other had latched onto his arm he couldn't shake and was put off balance by the 200 ish pounds now on the damaged appendage.
Bucky threw himself forward, slamming Crossbones' back against the ground then brought his knee down on Crossbones' neck. He snarled down at him as he applied pressure then threw his head back and cried out at the sudden burn of another knife but this one was embedded in the meat of his upper just below his glute muscle and twisted. He punched to get the man to let go of him and stumbled back, his leg buckling and he hit the ground. He pulled himself away before pushing himself back up, as he did he yanked the blade out and grunted as he was tackled to the ground.
Asset comply and disengage, Crossbones spoke for the first time.
Go fuck yourself, Bucky ground out, his face being pressed against the asphalt. Crossbones grabbed a handful of dark hair and lifted his head before slamming him face first against the hard ground.
gpt
He shrugged. "Most people never realize that." he admitted. "besides, if i don't do it who will? no one else is going to step up and do what needs doing. i tried that already." he admitted before chuckling a little as he watched Bucky examining his closet. "That would be Tony. he has a... ah, Thing for Captain America. he's somehow managed to separate 'Steve Rogers' from 'Captain America' but he's a bit... nuts? yeah nuts and sometimes the two get confused. or he just got my size wrong. i've grown a bit since i was frozen." he admitted with a grin. "and Tony, as super brilliant as he is... well, simple things totally escape him. things like clothing sizes, people's birthdays, they don't have room in Tony's brain." he admitted, smirking at Bucky. "Compared to you who doesn't have a brain at all." he teased. an old joke from a time long ago and Steve almost regretted it because what if Bucky didn't remember? then again Bucky would remember, with time maybe so he supposed it was okay. he was probobly the only one so up on the past. with Bucky still alive, maybe that would get better. he hoped so.
"Huh. well i'll just show you lots of good things. fruit is good for a stomach not used to food... i think." he admitted. he continued to babble, completely unaware that Bucky had ditched him for a moment before sighing when he realized that Bucky had vanished. he wondered if this was how Bucky felt every time Steve vanished, back when he was still tiny and overly prone to getting into trouble. at least it wasn't hard to find out where he was, the screaming people rushing through the store was hint enough.
Crossbones wouldn't have a chance to slam James head into the ground again. a large red white and blue shield sailed through the air and slammed into the one that Steve didn't know, the Shield sailing bak into Steve's hands, the man watching them. "Seriously. i'm best friends with Tony fucking stark. you really think i would be unarmed with Hydra running around?' Steve demanded, shield in one hand, gun in the other, aiming at the stranger and pulling the trigger three times, bullets bursting against the body. only they weren't bullets. they where blue, and splattered like smoke vapor. "It's a nice little toy isn't it?" Steve asked, wiggling the gun. "Non-lethal. very nice. a long term dendrotoxin. or something like that. makes taking people in for questioning much easier." he admitted, setting his feet apart and slid the shield in front of him, ready for an attack when he focused on Crossbones. "so. Brock. shall we finish our fight? i never did get to crack your skull open for betraying me." Steve admitted, still feeling the bitter sting. Brock had been his friend, or so Steve had thought. the while events had left him feeling bitter and hurt. "You can give up now, or i can beat the living shit out of you. your choice."
human
Rumlow's fingers were still tangled in Bucky's hair when the shield hit him and sent him sprawling onto the cement, pulling Bucky over with him. Bucky rolled away from the man and climbed to his feet. He looked to Steve, having a chance to recover he realized Steve knew Rumlow from before and flexed his fingers, watching as Rumlow got to his feet and laughed, the sound muffled and menacing under his mask.
Betraying you? I was never with you, he laughed. I knew our mutual friend here before I knew you, he informed Steve as he cast a glance towards Bucky then returned his gaze back to Steve, the smirk on his face was evident in his eyes. He remembered you ya know? After the fight on the highway, the first time you saw him, he said as he walked closer to Steve, his pace slow and steady.
He pulled the gun from his holster and aimed it towards Steve in the blink of an eye though before he could fire a shot Bucky'd removed the blade from his bionic shoulder and threw the knife, embedding the steel in Crossbones' forearm. The man growled in pain as the gun fell from his grasp and clattered by his feet.
Bucky had moved closer to Steve, edging his way towards his ally with little notice from their enemy. Crossbones pulled the blade from his wrist and flipped it in his grip, his eyes flicking between Steve and Bucky. He knew he was outmatched between the two supersoldiers, even with one slightly less than in perfect condition.
Crossbones' movements were slow and calculated, he was aware of everything going on around him and while he may not be a supersoldier, something had happened to him when he'd survived the Triskellion collapsing on him. He pulled the knife from his forearm and threw it back towards Bucky. As soon as he'd thrown it he dropped to his knee to grab his gun and fired a single shot towards his old weapon.
Bucky's first inclination was to block the knife with his bionic arm but it was slower and less coordinated from being caught with the blade. He twisted to avoid the knife then heard the shot and felt the force of the bullet hitting the flesh of his thigh. He went down to a knee with a grunt.
Having heard the grunt and the dull thud of bullet hitting flesh he charged for Steve, firing a few shots to the man who thought he'd been giving the orders but had been duped since he'd been pulled from the ice. He turned the gun to the side, shooting the Hydra agent who Steve had shot with non lethal bullets in the head. Hydra couldn't afford the chance of someone talking.
He grabbed the shield in Cap's hands and shoved him back, adjusting his grip on the gun he angled it towards the other man's legs and fired a few more rounds.
gpt
"You alright Buck?" Steve asked softly before glaring at Rumlow. "I thought you where my freind." Steve informed the other. "I thought you where someone i could trust. for fuck's sake we used to go get pissed together!... or, you know. as drunk as i could get." he pointed out. "Don't you feel even the slightest bit... i don't know. sad, ashamed, regretful? Something!?" Steve demanded, well aware Rumlow didn't, but people tended to drop their guards a bit when their opponent was teary eyed and emotional. "...he remembered me." Steve muttered, glancing at Bucky, unable to help himself. explained a lot, actually. despite his rather lackluster appearance in fighting Rumlow, ever sense Steve had was aimed at the man and as soon as he felt the gun being drawn he was pulling the Shield up to defend and grinned when he saw the knife jutting from their enemies arm. "Nice shot Buck. glad to see old age hasn't slowed you down." he admitted.
Steve moved, trying to block the knife as well and flinched when he missed and let Buck get shot on top of that. shit, he needed a lot more training, this couldn't be allowed to go on. he was going to have to arrange for as much close range combat training as he and his team could handle in the future. this wa+*s just pathetic. "Shit!" Steve cursed, blocking the bullets aimed for him and hissed with rage when their nicely trussed captive was shot dead. training. they needed a lot more training! Jesus. he snarled when the hands settled on his shield and he thrust forward, slamming the shield into Rumlows face, singing his free fist straight into the man's shoulder before a strangled scream forced it's way out of his lips as the bullets seared their way through his leg. "Jarvis!" Steve snarled. "Have Bruce on Standby!" he ordered before he got to his feet, tossed his shield tot he side and tackled Rumlow, intending on getting rid of any decorum and just beat the man into a pulp, fists flying and mostly unconcerned that he was slowly bleeding all over the floor and leaving fist shaped cracks in the concrete floor when he missed Rumlow's tender, fleshy body. just working out as much rage as he could on the bastard, and the floor. he wasn't trying tokillRumlow after all. not yet. there was a chance that the rat bastard could still escape, but Steve didn't care for the moment. right now, getting back home where Bruce could patch them up was more important. if they could catch Rumlow, great, if he couldn't, then, well he'd catch him later after they got the bullets removed from their bodies.