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0 year will bo restricted
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•ohal communications charged double.
-gnl advertisements will be charged, for
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Advertisements not ordered for a specified
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All advertising dti" after'seeond insertion.
jj 3Q OOK.
| JOB OFFICE
IS NOW IN
' jJEERATION!
41.1, HI.UDS OF’
S'blanks
JU/--v— ‘ i
■ jj FOIl
11 jSiierilFs,
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iA \ I) **
I*UI\Ti:U TOORDi ll OX
* SHORT NOTICE
AT TIIK
IA > W ESf I { A/riCH,
L "'im ®m
I .•
I M Wk have furnished an t reive.- with
MACHINE PRESS,
And obtained the serv ers of i gooe
mm
And are now prepared to work a:
, ns any other >flicc it
State.
•:t
M.
V-ry l.eet paper
iome If
tangle^v*-. ^
tat touch anil tended
A And count the years ere you *hal\» #
| Bright silver threads among the dark—
Smiling the while to hear me say,
( ^ “You’ll think of this again some day !
Some day !’*
| do not scorn the power of time,
Jor count on years of fadeless prime;
But no white gleams will ever shine
• Among Uu/sc heavy lock* of mine ;
Ay, laugh as gaily ns you may,
•You'Uythiiik of this again some day—
Some day.
Some (hm T .shall not feel as now. j
Your soft hands move about my Urtiw;
1 s half not slight your light commands.^
, And draw your tresses tlirough my bunds ;
I slialj be wilent and obey—
f And you—you will laugh that day—
Some day!
I know how long your loving hands
Will linger with these glossy bands,
Win n you shall weave my latest crown
O? their thick masses, long and brown ;
But yon will see no touch of gray
.Morn their shining length that clay—
Some day!
iiud while your tears are falling hot
fpun the lips which answer not,
> eu 11 take from these one treasured tress,
i And leave the. rest to si lent ness—
i llemember that I used to say,
1 -You’ll think of this again someday—
Some day.’’
Agricultural Statistics.
The report of tho ('oininissioners of
\ "Tioiilturo. for the month of Decem
hor. is replete with valuable statistical
inforiunlion on the industrial and ;i>>ri
euUurnl interests of the r until**-.
Much greater cure is given to the nmi
^•yzatiou of the returns of its corres
i." udeiits. hence it* accuracy an he re
ded up3t> jjow hi>i diet ter thun Iwre
tofore. .since (lie ta*k hits heen imposed
upon the iihie statistician, H. li, I'od^e.
hsrp. the head of Unit division of the
department. Below will he found n
synopsis ot the leadin" subjects of this
report, so tar as thy are esteemed of
interest to \\ os*torn ihiinhvrc ..
some tables, however, introduced,
which arc not given in (he report, hut
n hieli are neees -: 1 ryjor the reader in the
eonneetion with which they may he
lound' A ft or the usual in trod net ion of;
that ’ommissioner the report opens with
l he
Vs > or ran: mop-.
ColiX.—The erjrn crop in 1805, exclu
sive of the eleven southern and I’aeilie
Slates, was estimated at 701.000,000
bushels: for 1860 the yield is estima
ted at 070,(NX),000 bushels, being a de
cline of 25,000,000 bushels; and the de
ficiency in quality is equivalent to
75,000,000 more: making a difference
of H>0,000 bushels less than in ISl a.
The yield in the eleven States excepted
is estimated at 185,000,(XX) bushels, be
ing 89,000,000 bushels less than were
reported by the United States census
for 1850. The whole crop of last year
in the United States is assumed to he
from 804,819,753 to 880,(XX),(XX) bushels.
In seven of of the Northwestern States
the yield for 19(50 is a.s follows :
Bushels.
Illinois. 155,814.450
Indiana.127,070.247
Michigan. 10.118,080
Wisconsin.20,307,810
Iowa .52,288,184
Kansas. .. 0,527.358
Nebraska.2,095,030
Total.309,004,432
Through some want of reliable data.
Minnesota is not included. As it is,
the seven States n ,mcd have produced
nearly one-half of the corn yield of t,he|
I niled States in 1 §60.
, Wheat.—The wheat crop for 1800 is
•set down at 153,045.007; and 1865, at
| L-18,000,000 bushels—being an Increase
ot 5,000,000 bushels. In the following
States the yield is reported to be, in
Bushels.
Illinois. 28,551,121
Indiana 9,114,502
Michigan. 14.740,639
o’;.*»n ao7 non
Iowa.15,756.322
Kansas. 230,406
Nebraska.257,830
Total .88,986,169
It'Minnesota hail been included, the
yield of nine northwestern States
would exceed the half of the whole
product of the United States for I860.
The wheat crop in Fngland and France
has declined in product, gradually, for
the past three years.
Hay.—The reported yield of hay in
1866 is as follows :
Tons.
Illinois.2.340.063
Indiana .1.088,932
Michigan.1.218.959
Wisconsin. 1.121,477
Iowa.1.151,039
Kansas . 123,082
Nebraska . 28,512
Total . ...7,112,904
The hay crop is reported to be gener
ally deficient, but the quality very
good, the general estimate falls a little
short of 21,000,000 Tons, including the
South. The figures for lust year exceed
33,500,000 tons, exclusive of the south
ern States.
Potatoes.—The estimate for pota
toes, including all except the Pacific
States, is 104',000,‘OtW bushels. The cs
. timale for 22 States tit 1 s6H was 101.
000,000 bushels. Maim*, New Hamp
shire, West Virginia, Kentucky and
Texas considerably exceeded an aver
' age; the West failed to secure ft full
crop, and heavy losae- from rot wen
.Gained in sonic localities. It is evi
dent that new and vigorous varieties
- i
1):
.or
finch
Me
K >ti6 in the
foV if i . *"*
■C aMBl W Hushels.
Illf-. ■.1,102,035
tn(liana t »*/..3,784.226
Michigan.5.087.299
Wisconsin. 3,940.273
Iowa .2.775.726
Kansas.243.514
Nebraska .1,550
Total ..20,073,391
Tobacco.—Although the production
of tobac 'o may not be classed as among
the leading crops of northwestern
States, there is no reason why it could
not be made one. Already does 111 i
noisproduce nearly one-fifth as much
as Virginia; more than half the yield
of North Carolina. Why cannot it be
made to profitably yield as much as ci
ther of the iqttcr-named States, and
etc, to equal Kentucky, which produ
ces 55,000,000 pounds? To the same
comparative extent, making allowance
for some uneongenialitv of climate,
other northwestern States might ex
tend their production. The following
is the estimated-yield in t hose States :
Illinois, lbs.47,546,981
Indiana, lbs.8.920.973
Michigan, lbs.278,780
Wisconsin, lbs.149.341
Iowa, lbs. ... 499.424
Kansas, lbs . 32.203
Nebraska, lbs.129.219
Total.20.539,321
The total yield in the Cnitcd States
is estimated at 388.180.203 lbs. for 1800.
Cotton.—The total yield in the I’ni
ted States for 1800.from theaetual foot
ing up of careful estimates, after close
scrutiny and cautious examination, is
1.7 >0.009 bales of 499 lbs. each—being
187,509 bales of tUU lbs. each, more than
the cotton planters and commission
merchants estimated it to be, and 259.
*00less than other estimates. The es
timates are distributed as follows:
Hales.
Ynrfli ( ' iPnlni i • Vi Mil l
■>011(11 Carol 122.000
'ieorgia.205.0iK.lL
[•’loriila ... . dC.OM
Alabama 22(MXK»
Mississippi 27o.OOit
l.ouisianu . 10!), 000
I’l'Xas. 300.000
Arkansas. 1.82.000 ’
IViinessee . . I I.S.000
Hlier Stairs. ...... . S7.(W)0
Total ... . ,*v:. .. *ni1. (.Tot M tniT
SoitOlir.M.—This lias become almost a
universal crop. Ohio exhibits a large
yield. Indiana about an average crop.
Kansas has a full average, while Illi
nois 1 ,va and Missouri do not appear
to have equaled the supply o'- last
year.
From the extreme Territories there
are very eiieouragii g accounts of abun
dant harvests. In Arizona, <>ov. Mc
Cormick says:—"The yield of corn,
vegetables, and small grain is such as
to prove that henceforth we need not
look abroad for food. Even in the
mountain districts the pursuit of the
husbandman is likely to be one of the
most profitable.” In Colorada one
hundred and thirty-six miles of irriga
ting ditches have been constructed, at
ii cost of 8,188,000. During tiie past
two years tiie claims and entries in the
i.and Office have been over 328,000
acres, all of which arc for actual settle
ment.
->•«
To Farmers.
The time is near at hand when our
farmers will be pitching crops, and we
would earnestly suggest to them the
importance of abridging the cotton
crop and planting an extensive area in
corn. The advantages of such a course
is plain, because, if we would be pros
perous we must bo independent of all
others in the article of food. In behalf
of the widows and orphans of our
country who cry for bread, we urge
!lho farmers to plant corn and other ed
ibles. To make such crops will fill the
burns, smoke-house* and cellars with
abundance; and at the same time ah
*1..... C _ J . i
- -p-'V mv. VU"1 *■ J V* llll llll 1 l|l |U llir
cnee upon the States of the Northwest
for those articles.
The planter who devotes his atten
tion exclusively to the cultivation of
cotton will find that, next fall, he will
get fifteen cents per pound for that ar
ticle, and after paying the enormous
tax which is imposed, it will net him
not more than nine or ten cents. Re
sides, lie is spending his time and mon
ey in order to pay an unjust revenue
which is imposed upon us by our ene
mies, because cotton has heretofore
been the principal staple of this coun
try. Therefore, we say, let us make.
CORN, the principal staple, upon
■.rhich there is no such unjust tax fm
1 posed, and let the northwest, which is
growing ri«h upon tlie folly of the ex
tlusivelv cotton growing districts of
the .South, seek another market for
their products. Let us proclaim, once
thrall, that CORN is KING—[Elector.
Bias'" 1’he following is a translation ol
a passage from a Persian poet :
“The Heavens are a point from the
pen of God's perfection ; the world is
a hud from the bower of His beauty:
and the sun is a spark from the light ol
His wisdom ; and the sky is a bubble
outlie sea of His power, llis hfauty
is free frotn the spot of sin hidden in
the thick veil of darkness : He made
mirrors Of the atoms Of the world, anil
threw a reflection from his own five On
every atom." ^
Catching Cold.
Perhaps there is no illness, if illness
i it can be called, in ordinary eircum
i stances, the management of which has
been so beset bv blind and stupid pre
judices, as the lying-in of a woman.—
This lias been partly occasioned by the
fact that monthly nurses have been ex
cessively ignorant persons, and that old
women have been looked up to ns the
only infallible guides. The great bug
bear was always catching cold, and to
avoid a chance of this, the most absurd
plans were in vogue, some of which re
main still, particularly among the poor
er classes. Some hundred years ago,
no lady was allowed to have her rap
changed during the time of bed with
out having every curtain closely drawn
and a warming pan held over the head.
Every window i^as constantly .kept
closed, tires were perpetually burning,
heaps of blankets piled on, and even
the handles of the knives, forks, and
spoons, to be handled by the poor lady
were covered up with flannel or silver
paper: even the hand bell placed on
the bed to summons an attendant, had
its neat flannel jacket, for fear a touch
of the metal would make her catch cold.
Cold water, cold air. cold drinks, any
thing cold that could be touched with
the lingers, were almost scrupulously
guarded against. Thanks to the great
attention of the doctors, and the much
improved condition of nurses, these
absurdities have of late nearly disap
peared, hut it has only-been a change of
very recent datoaml not yet completed.
The hills of mortality still show a large
proportion of deaths'from what are
properly called avoidable diseases ; imt
year by year, matters are changing for
tlie better, and the value of human life
from infancy to old age are rapidly in
creasing.—[Dickens' ••All the Year
Hound."
— **V-*
The Condition of Austria..
The Vienna Cnzette calculates that as
the result of the new military system
adopted in Austria, the army will
amount tu l.iiOO.OoOmen,of whom SO,),
OtH) w ill he on the active list, and the
residue in the tirst and sfi'iin.! rc-cccc^
The present population of Austria num
bers about !12,.500,00ft souls, ot‘ wh'eli
Jti.fKKl.ftOO are mates, and of these proha-;
hly atioul a liall' are bet ween the ages of
sixteen and sixty. Hut of this number.
S.Oftft.ftftft adult men under sixty years
of age. about one-fourth would he in
jrajjayitaled for military service. There
are. theretom-s i
an active army of SOd.ft.MI. whieli is
more than one-seventh of all the avail
able men, and a larger proportion is
still of the men who could really lie
obtained for tlie ranks of tlie army, and
who constitute the tailoring classes of
the community.
A correspondent of the London
Times, writing on the Mil inst.. says that
the falling oil' of the revenue of A u-t ria
between January and May, is at
tributed to tin: general stagi^jion of
commerce and manufactures, the back
ward development of the railroad sys
tem iii the empire, the impoverishment
of landholders, the tightness of the
money market, the w ant of capital and
credit, and also to the had harvests of
the last two years in Gahieia amt Hun
gary, and the prostration of the iron
trade in upper and lower Austria and
Syria.
The State of the Fashions.
The New York correspondent of the
St. Louis Efemoerntgives an item which
may he of interest to our lady readers.
1 He says : > .
•‘The fashions are as striking and as
varied as the flowers of the tropics, and
one glorious thought comes up as I
write, that hoops are smaller. The la
dies have taken in sail considerably,
and there seems to be a grand forward
step toward symmetry.. In the way ol
bonnets—or, 1 should say bonnet, for
there is but one worn among the fash
ionables—the Riston. This is by far
the prettiest bonnet of the new mode.
Walking dresses are now universal,
with ail underskirt of like material;
the prettiest are those made of black
silk with hands of satin, the bottoms of
the skirts are scolloped, but some are
pointed. The very latest style is a
wL iff \i ifli -i wrii L i>t' tin- fiiiin m i.
ferial, with ft pointed skirt, One point
in front and hack and one at null side
: with a tassel. Sleeves are made (low
ing with points and tassels. Evening
dresses are worn with very long trails
and rut low in the neck. The hair is
j dressed crimped in front, not rolled as
, heretofore, with a very small waterfall
worn high, with a braid and invisible
net. Those evidences of barbarism and
. slavery, chains of weight enough to
make the hack ache, lutvo been abol
' Ultod, uni' ll to the satisfaction of *"
Study ok thk Biulb.—Looking at
(he Bible merely as a historical fact : as
a power in the world whieh has intln
I eneed the opinions, and directed the
life, and quickened the hearts of mil
lions; which has been inspiration to
the preatett minds of the rare; which
has lifted up nations from barbarism :
whieh lias been the spring of that phi
lanthropy which is tile lmast of our civ
ili/.atiun ; Mild which is now the guide
of three hundred million of our fellow
men : surely these t'aets, apart from any
consideration of its 1 llvine origin, of its
rlttiins to he h revelation from (iod, de
mand for it a respectful attention ami
diligent study, from any one who could
he considered a va’t informed audTit
tclligent man.
English Feeling Towards America.
The London Telegraph of the lGth
inst., concludes an article in the following
t inns:
A few years ago one of the most indus
trious of American authors. the late Mr.
Nathaniel Hawthorne, published a book
called “Our Old Homes,” graceful and
powerful, like everything else proceeding
from the same rich brain and the same
accomplished hand. It contained many a
picture of English liie which deserves in
corporation in the English literature. It
was obviously the work of one _who loved
the old land for its present, not less than
for its historical past; and yet not a few
of our critics flow into fits of patriotic in
dignation because Mr. Hawthorne ventured
to remark that the married ladies of Eng
' land are occasionally rather fat. Our own
i novelists and travellers, wo imagine, have
been quite as candid with regard to the
ladies of America, only in an opposite
i sense. M by was it, however, that Mr.
Hawthorne's book excited a feeling which
: could never have been aroused by a hun
: dred thousand libels from a hundred thou
' sand Frenchmen. Simply because praise
from such a man—the representative of
such a nutiiyi—was so precious anil so
welcome, that anything like ridicule or
censure, jarred harshly on our feelings.—
Let us cease to taunt our cousins for a sen
sitiveness which is not confined to them
selves. If the two nations can but begot
to understand themselves better, they are
sure to be fast friends, though generous
rivals in that great work of progress which
seems confined to llieir common stock —
1 lie Americans, we may hope, have by
this time got rid of their wild notions with
regard to our aristocracy, while for our
own part, it is surely as well that we
sll uld cease to talk of dollar worshipping
in Obiinec-lion with a race the most prodi
gally generous of any on the earth. We
arc drawn cheer together now; we can
talk to each other without diplomatic de
lays. Let us resolve then, on both sides,
to speak with more kindness and more for
insurance.
— _ - 44^4
J. I'li*' Washington *•**i l l's]>om*1 i'iit
*>!" tin' Baltimore Cszette savs that a
•’irt'illilst.1 life, wliivh lias vitv rercntlv
Iranspired, slieils a flood of light upon
the diabolical contrivances of the ma
ligners of tile Southern people. "A
r’' v’v*i'i• iAof tif m.vaiiSas,■ frrh'r
collecting sixteen thousand dollars,
was found lying by the roadside hor
ribly mangled—his head gashed in di
vers places, his body bruised from head
to foot, and every farthing of ids col
lection gone. Upon being somewhat
restored, lie gave a thrilling account of
the brutal assault upon him by a gang
of < ’onfederates in gray uniform, whom
lie affirmed were (lie robbers and
would-be assassins. The horrible story
was seized upon with avidity. Here
was a genuine ease of outrage, the
more invaluable because of its suscep
tibility of undoubted proof. But it so
happened that the Collector (the prin
cipal of this worthy deputy) did doubt,
and (what is irrefragible evidence of
the orderly state of Southern society)
his doubts of (lie truthfulness of the
whole story originated solely in the
known safety of life ami property in
that whole region of country, lie
consequently bluntly charged this un
derling with being UU own butcher,
! his own robber, and the caitill finally
made a full confession of his villainy.
Hut for the energy and honest convic
tions of tills officer, who doubts but
that tin- ingenious deputy's name would
now be figuring in the reports of C011
| gressional Committees as an unim
peachable witness, prominent among
I the worthies of the Southern Associa
tion, alongside those of Hamilton,
Halm and Holden, appended to peti
tions for the disfranchisement of the
Southern people for their cruelty to
Union white men."—[Avalanche.
— -- -
Tiik Mini iiai.s in Ouu Bodies.—In
the body ofnman Weighing 154pounds,
there are about 7'a pounds of mineral
; matter, consisting of phosphate of lime,
• > pounds and 15 ounces; carbonate of
I lime. I pound: salt, 3 ounces, 3-70
; grains; peroxide, of iron, 150 grains;
-i 1 it-in, 3 grains—making 7 pounds, 5
oiticcs mul 17 grains—without minute
quantities of potash, chlorine, ami sev
eral other substances. The rest of the
system is composed of oxygen, hydro
gen, nitrogen and carbon ; ill pounds
of the oxygen and hydrogen being
combined in the form of water.
Though the quantity of some of these
substance* is very small, it is found ab
solutely essential to health that this
; small quantity should lie supplied,
! hence the importance of a variety ol'
food. If we furnish nature with all
the material required, she will select
j such as the system needs, and always
just in the proper quantities.
♦ 40^ ♦ --
JNTTlic Military Hill, pending before
Congress for the government of the
Southern States, contains the very mer
ciful provision that no one convicted of
a capital offense, before a military tri
bunal. shall sutler death until the sen
tence is approved by the Brigadier
General commanding the district. Oh,
Liberty! what crimes arc committed
in thy name!—[Louisville Courier.
£•_ -Do you like codfish balls, Mr.
Wiggins T' "1 really don't know , said
Wiggins musingly : don't recoiled
of ever attending one.’’
Gossip With Contributors.
No notis will be Ink—from this date
heroifter wards—of letters that fiahi’t
got a postage'stanip onto them.
Dcm’t write only on one side of the
manuscript, and don't write much onto
that.
Don’t send manuscript, unless you can
read it yourself after it gets dry.
we pay, all the way up hill, from ten
cents to one dollar, for coutrilnishune,
according tew heft.
Awl settlements made promptly at
the end of the next ensuing year.
l’oetry and prose pieces respectfully
solicited.
The highest market price paid for
a vful railroad smashes, and elopements
u ith another man's wife.
Positively no swearin’ allowed in
our paper.
Isaac—Yurc article on frogs iz re
ceived.
It made me lafl'like lightning.
Yurc idee that frogs might lie in
creased by propagation, iz bully.
Yurc idee that frogs was diskovered
by Christopher Columbus, in 1192, had
slipped my memory,
Yurc say frogs grow more bob-tailed
as tha grow older. This iz tu cussed
good to he lost.
Noah.— We humbly decline your es
sa on the flood.
Yure remarks might possibly lead
one more man to think as you do, and
we don't want our collums to he held
responsibel fur the increa.sin number of
phools.
The world has already got more
phools than there is any need of.
There ain't no doubt in mi mind that
the Hood was a perfect success and I've
thought that another just such an one
would nay,well now in sum seckshuns
ov tWjpTOlfiTfr>v ' . ' .
i. „ ■**'-'.T»b<ii RruAiNfis.
A \Vo?t> i'ou<J'ft:ursr.\ppiis«J|We clip
the following article from an exchange,
it is true, and we commend it to every
man who has any interest where he re
sides.
Nothing is more common than to
hear people talk of wlmt they pay news
papers for advertising, etc., as so much
given in charity :
“Newspapers, by enhancing the value
of property in their neighborhoods and
giving the localities in which they are
-itu.ited a reputation abroad, benefit all
such, particularly if they are merchants
or real estate owners, thrice the aifoutftfi
iearly, of the meagre sumJ.'fTcy rn,.
their support. BesTTfes.' 1 very public
-pint ! citizen lias a lnudyhlc pride in
having a paper which he is not ashamid
of. even though he should pick it up in
New York or Washington. A good
looking, thriving sheet, helps to sell
property, gives eharactcnto the locali
ty. and in all respects is a desirable
public convenience. If from any cause,
the matter in the local and editorial
columns should not he quite up to vour
standard, do not east it aside and pro
nounce it no account, until you arc sat
isfied that there has been no more labor
bestowed upon it than is paid for. It
yon want a good readable sheet it must
he supported. And it must not be sup
ported in a spirit of charity either, lmt
because you feel a necessity to support
it. The local press is the power that
moves the people.”
A Good Thing.—A jokist, of Somer
set. K v.. tells the Cincinnati Commer
cial that the following took place in
the Kentucky Legislature, a few days
ago:
A member from one of our moun
tain counties, full of conservatism, and
a strong advocate of the Louisville
Journal, each morning as lie would
take his seat in the House, as business
i opened, would commence reading his
favorite paper, and about the same mo
ment some member would move to dis
; pense with the reading of the journal,
; and our mountain member would lay
down his paper, lie stood this foi
• some time, when rising from his seal
; one morning, after the usual motion,
he exclaimed, at the top of his voice;
“Mr. Speaker, I've sot in my sett
*».•.i.I_i-i *t.
tyranny of this house. Somebody, ev
ery morning, moves to dispense with
the reading of the Journal, and I'vi
lost every paper I've bought for a week
by it, and no man lias ever moved U
dispense with the Democrat or Com
mercial ; and, Mr. Speaker, I won’t
stand it any longer. Mr. Speaker-'
Here the balance was lost in the gen
eral laughter.
•-+
A Cuxchkk.—We seldom liml inti
religious controversy anything more
spicy than ttic following:
Once upon a time, says the narrator.
Lyman Beecher and llosoa Ballou met
to.compare Calvinism and Universal
ism. Both were Bible tnou, and each
frame well armed with textual missiles.
After several apostolic blows from
each, shrewdly parried by (lie other,
Dr. Beecher opened to the ninth Psalm
and read :
“The Wicked shall be turned into hell
and all tlie nations that forget God.”—
| "There, sir, the wicked are in hell; get
them out if you can !"
Ballou, calm as a summer morning
pointing to the twentieth chapter ol
Itevelations, road:
‘Death and hell delivered up the dear
which were in them.” “There;” said
Ballou; “they are out; get them in again
if you can!”
-----
W Wh: it is the first thing a younp
lady looks for in church ? The hims.
A Mixin’ of the Babies.
Some time ago there wits a (lancing
party given “tip North most of the
ladies present had little babies, whose
noisy perversity required too much at
tention to permit the mothers to enjoy
flic dance, A number of gallant young
men volunteered to watch the young
ones while the mothers indulged in a
"break down.'’ Xo sooner had the wo
men left the babies in charge of these
mischievous devils, than they stripped
the infants, changed their clothes, giv
ing the apparel of one to another. The
dance over, it. was time to go home,
j and the mothers each took hurriedly a
baby in the dress of her own, and start
j ed to their homes, some, ten or fifteen
miles off. and were far on their way be
fore daylight. Hut the day following
there Was a tremendous row in the set
tlement. Mothers discovered that a
single night had changed the' sex of
their infants—observation disclosed
physical phenomena, and then com
menced some of the tallest female pedes
trianism ; living miles apart, il required
two days to unmix the babies, and ns
j many months to restore the women to
llieir natural sweet disposition. To this
day it is unsafe for any of the baby
j mixers to venture into that territory.
The Cincinnati Enquirer tells the
i following:
! “A few days since a newly wedded
j couple from the interior of the State,
arrived at the Hurnett House, and took
j quarters for the night at that well or
dered hotel. It was quite evident that
1 lie whole party were unfamiliar with
metropolitan sights. The rooms, cor
ridors, in irlile floor, gorgeous drawing
room and well spread table of the ho
tel drew from them the most ingenious
remarks of surprise. In the evening
they visited the opera house, and were
astonished by its magnificence, that
even Mrs. "Waller's impersonation of
j "Mag Merrilles," almost failed to in
terest them.
XofhltlD* omen ti-oo tliniiitlil rtf' 11.
verdant pair till about 1 o'clock in the
morning, at which time the boot-black
j of the Burnett House, in making his
; customary rounds, observed the Bcnc
; diet seated in the hall, near the door of
| his room. lie naively asked the pol
j islier of understandings if he was the
i clerk l’ceciving a negative answer,
j he informed the boot-black that lie
j should like to sec that individual. In
i a few moineuis-'»i'i' ~nu.sn’ivy office man
I — - • ■ * smc, unrt politely asked" \vhr.t
"lie wanted.
“Couldn't you make me a bed in the
parlor ?" cried the disconsolate individ
ual.
“In the parlor?" said (he clerk. “I'm
afraid not."
“Well, I'd like to liavo one spread
down somewhere."
“Why don't you go into your room ?”
asked the clerk.
“I don't like to," said the bashful
young man.
“Why, what’s the matter?” continued
the clerk. “Has your wife turned you
out of your room ?’’
“Mo," said he, “but you see T havn’t
never been married before, and 1 don't
like to go in, particularly in a strange
1 place.”
“Oli! go l-fght in," said the clerk, “she
won't think it wrong."
Here the door opened about an inch,
I and through the aperture came a voice
| coaxinglv saying:
“Do come in John, I won't hurt you.
: I kriow'd they’d think strange of yer
standing but there. Come in now.
i won’t yer? I've blow’d the gas out,
and it’s all dark in here."
The odor of the room assured the
clerk that she had, indeed, “blown out
the gas,” so, pushing open (lie door, he
I stopped the flow, raised the window,
j and returned to the hall to persuade
I the verdant husband to retire witli his
wife. All arguments were fruitless,
however, and he was compelled to as
sign the simple individual a separate
room from that his wife wus in that
j night. __ __
Men One Would Bather Not Meet.
-.Ill II II IIKJ ll-ll OIVI1CO IU«U> I (III llliu
: otic another, so that you And it difficult
, In get awa> at the end of any one of
| them.
Men who have quarreled with all of
their relations.
Men who have been betrayed and
abandoned in the most heartless man
ner, by their friends.
Men who have been persecuted and
swindled by a general conspiracy of ev
erybody. J
Men who are loml of imitating popu
lar actors.
Men who always ask, “Don’t you
think so?”
Men who are always “putting a
| case.”
Men who agree with you too much.
I Men who "feel inclined to join issue
1 with von there.”
----
When Mr. Lincoln violated the
Constitution so palpably that the vio
lation could not be denied, the Radical
party white-washed and legalized his
acts. The idea of his impeachment
never occurred to them, or if it did, it
urns scouted with laughter and derision,
lie was acting with them then, they
said, to keep the Southern States in the
Union. Now they proposo to impeach
Mr. Johnston, because he will not aid
and assist them in keeping those same
j States out. Political power was the
motive in both chscs. Lincoln was their
tool—Johnson is in their way. tjuch i*
j the consistency of Radicalism.
SALMAGUNDI.
B>arlt, is well enough that men should
lie killed by love. Man born of woman
should die of woman.
BfiF-IIeiirv Clay told Anna Cora
Mowatt that kissing is like the Presi
dency, not to be sought and not to bo
declined.
BSJ'A sentimental young man thus
feelingly express himself: “Even as
nature benevolently guards the rose
with thorns, so docs she endow women
with pins.”
6^ A fellow being awakened by the
clerk ofa steamer, and told that he must
not occupy the berth with hisboots on,
very considerately said : “Oh, the bugs
won’t, hurt ’em, I guess; they arc an
old pair.”
Beg* A felKiw who was told that the
best cure for palpitation of tbe heart
was to stop hugging and kissing the
girls, said : “If fhat is the only reme
dy which can be proposed, 1 say, let ’er
palpitate.”
In Washington a woman shot n
man because lie did net marry her; In
Cincinnati another shot one because lie
did. What can a bachelor do to save
iiis bacon ?
A T.ovf. Lktteh.—The very perfection:
ofa love letter, according to Uon.ssean,
is that it should be begun without the
writer knowing what he is going to
sav, and end without his knowing
what he had said.
B>$“A little girl, just past her fifth year,
while chatting about the beaux that
visited two of the sex in the same
house, of more mature age, being asked,.
“What do you mean by beaux, Annie?'’'
she replied, “Why, I mean men that
have not got much sense.”
RSyA Frenclimau who hail been in
India, speaking of tiger-hunts, pleasant
ly remarks: “'When ze Frenchman:
hunts ze tigare, ah! ze sport is grand,,
magniflque! but when ze tigare hunts
ze Frenchman, oh ! zero is ze very devil
to pay!”
BaT-Soine of the French newspapers
speak of the Aniericnrt Minister. Gene
ral Dix, in Paris as "General Dixie.’’
Feast Puller is irreverently alluded to
by the Portsmouth (N. II.) States and
Union as "the cock-eyed Hyena ol' New
Orleans.”
Bay A religious body having resolved
to build a new church, the pastor went
about begging very zealously,accepting
not com'ttie -vvVA w’s but the ’■■’’(d’s,
inite. In the Sunday school one
day, while instructing them, lie com
pared himself to a shepherd, and then
inquired what the latter did witli liis
Hock. One bright-eyed little fellow
promptly replied, "11c shears them!”
Bap- "Sure,’’ said Patrick, rubbing his
head with delight at the prospects of
a present from ids employer, “I always
mane to do my duty.”
"I believe you,” replied his employ
er, “and therefore I make you a present
of all you have stolen from me during
the year.”
"Thank yet- honor," replied Tat, "and
may your friends and acquaintances
tratc you as liberally.”
B3y “I say boy, is there anything to
shoot about here?” said a sportsman to
il boy lie met.
"’Well,” was the reply, "nothing just
I about here; but the schoolmaster is
down tiie Dili yonder, you can pop him
over.”
Bay A little four year old was told
that God made him. Measuring off a
few inches on his arm, lie wrathfttlly
replied:
“No, He didn't! God made me a little
mite of a thing, so long, and I growed
the rest myself!’’
Baf A gentleman in the springtime
of life, when walking with a lady, stum
bled and fell. On resuming his per
pendicular, the lady remarked that she
was very sorry tor his unfortunate faux
pas.
"I didn’t hurt my fore paws,” said
be, "I only barked my knee.”
BayAu Irishman entered a barber
shop while drinking, ate with a brush
a cup of lather, dug out the ball of soap
at the l^ittoiii of the cup, ate that, and
1 sat down to warm bis feet. ^
“Ilow did you like your lunch ? asked
I a bystander.
Said Pat: The custard was illegant,
but by my soul I b’lave the egg was a
little to long iu the wather!”
®saT In the to-—yof S-there was a
| shoemaker, who at the time, officiated
I as preacher. He always wrote the no
■ tires himself, in order to save the ex
penses of printing. Here is one of
! them :
“There will be preaching iu the pines
this Sunday afternoon, on the subject*
‘All who do not believe will be damned
at 3 o’clock.'”
Can a Mother Forget?—Call a
mother forget ? Not a morning, noon
or night, but she looks to the corner of
the kitchen where you read llobinsfln
Crusoe, and thinks of yon as yet a boy.
Mothers rarely become conscious that
their children have grown out of child
hood. They think of them, advise them;
write to them, as if not full fourteen
years of age. They cauuot forget the
child* Three times a day she thinks
who arc absent from the table, and
hopes that next year, at the furthest,
she may have just her own family there,
and if you are there, look out for the
fat limb of a chicken, and that coffee
; which nonshut everybody’s own niotli
! cr can make.'