THE CONSTITUTIONAL LN:ON.
[ \V. H. RHEA, EDITOR AND PROPRIETOR T . „ r . - , „ ■ - .. ■ ■—
v| , —= • - . Let UiePeopleMB." $2 PER ANNUM, IN ADVANCE.
U)L _DES ARC, ARKANSAS, FRIDAY, MARCH 297TsST NUMBER 20.
<rhc (Nntfmtttomu minion,
PRINTED EVERY WEEK, AT
lies Arc, Arkansas,
edited and published by
WESTON II- RHEA.
Office on corner of Buena VMa and Lyon Streets, ovci
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OFFICIAL 1)1 I! *3«'TORY.
OFFIC ESS OF PRAIRIE COV1TT V.
COUNTY AND PROBATE JUDGE,
•In in ess Ij. Hunt,
CLERK,
WILLIAM G O 0 D R U M.
SHE. RIFF,
WI L L I A M A. P L U N K E T T.
T R E A 8 U R E R ,
WYLIE LANKFORD.
CORONER,
LEVIN HARRISON.
SURVEYOR,
E. A. HOWELL.
COMMON SCHOOL COMMISSIONER,
W. P. PRESTON.
INTERNAL IMPROVEMENT COMMITTEE.
Ij A J a -U 1 A 1- A \Y G R i .
JISTKES OI 'His: mu
-4 r Cwfit jr E. 1,. V
: • ,-c * . ;.!> • !•
u ■ . i mtj sc i ■ ■ . . ■
bright, m 1) .tin i . '.bib h >.
A • —A- T .. a. l . ). Rob..I ..
n e rcr—11. 1’. Vaughan, '1'. ii. Kent, 1.. t,
I 1. ■abort, I). P Black.
I Ter—S. C. Paine. P> Douglass.
II a —\\. \ u , Mann, W. J. McCombs.
IIamil'( i—T, M. Gray. J. Tucker.
iV.r/i U' 'Oifa—T. F. Price, W. 1!. Brandy.
f nr L i’.e—Guilin Barber. James T. Morris.
La 0'rt:c—T. M. Belcher. Thomas Hui ville.
( O \ ST 1 II L ES.
Pram-—Q. T. Webster; C-n'cr—J. D. Steele;
f . —R. H. Freeling; Hamilton—lR Jarvis;
P floo t -\V A. Harper; While River—C* T.
<! biam; Rich Woods—W. A. Barker; Wattensaw—
John Gales.
Constables of Clear I.ake and La Grew Town
ships failed to fill their bonds.
1)ES ARC HOTEL,
I>ES ARC , ARKANSAS.
THUS NEW BRICK HOTEL. ON THE CORNER
-L of Buena Vista and Foster Streets, elegantly
furnished, is open for the accommodation of
i i-l -atian is the best in town, being near the
brat landing: and every effort wilt be made to
pf'ise the patrons of the house. The proprietor
therefore respectfully solicits a liberal share of
public patronage.
Board and Lodging per month, - - $20 00
B'":ud without Lodging) per month, - 1*3 00
• n I I... Iging per week, • • • ' 11,1
Board (without Lodging) per week, - - 5 00
Board and Lodging per day, - 2 00
Dinner, ------ 50
.''upper, * ----- 50
Breakfast, ------ 50
Lodging, ------ 50
Children under twelve years of age, half price.
Persons without baggage must pay in advance.
Board 1 :i! by the year must be paid monthly—
b ard bili by the month must be paid weekly.
Tl.r* nvi 11 in* will In* »•#»** 1 mil * 11»1i» Tor Jill Ill'll
cles lelt in his care, none other.
feb22 tf. T. A. DODSON, Proprietor.
STOVE AND TIN SHOP!
X. II. Burk
/
Has removed iiis tin shop to the
house recently occupied by J. W. Wallace,
Bueua Vista street, opposite the Nucleus
House, where he is prepared to accommodate the
public with the best articles of
COOKING STOVES, TIN-WARE,
•md all other merchandise in his line, ever
wrought to this market.
My cook.ng stoves are immediately front aiarg'
1 Louts establishment, and 1 feel confident t .if
dioee wild want these convenient articles can suit
>lierut Ives from my large assortment, (live me
* call, and examine before purchasing else
_ novf?
AT COST A\H» CARRIAGE.
T AM offering my entire stock of
Dry Goods at Cost and ten per cent. Every
''"Iv is invited to call and see for themselves.
*‘y goods are inferior to none in this market, and
Iny object in selling off at cost and carriage is to
'oabie me to replenish with a stock which will be
“ought exclusively with cash.
iKiy.i-tp _ LEVIN HARRISON
r ATTENTION BATTALION!
PH ERE will he a Hattalion Muster
, on *-bt- Second Saturday in April, next, a.
j ^KORV PLAINS. All persons belong- jp8
3 10 8ai'l Battalion are hereby command- III
to appear fully equipped. By order
„ J. B. PERKINS, Major.
Rrss Evak., Adj’t. mar3-2t
profession a Tu ca n i*s.
T J. JOBE,
Attorney at Laiv,
DES ARC, ARKANSAS,
WILI;. PRACTICE IN PRAIRIE AND THE
„iJn a«J0ln,ng counties. Particluar attention
given to Collections.
TennFERTrES„-T^; & C' Powo11* Knoxville,
Lnk YwSi' H- ‘““away, President of Ocoee
rooh t Te,nn'; Monre & M*rsh, Chatta
Hong w n ; l,1°n JoLn “ Lumpkin. Rome.Ga.;
Hon. Wiliiam Daugherty, Columbus, Ga ; I!
Diman •’ Mc! onn®1L Ringgold, Ga.: William II.
Geoiia ‘'eSldeUt Northwestern Bank, Ringgold.
--—!_ nov 3.
T. B. KENT,
Attorney at Law,
J DES ARC, ARKANSAS,
WIT;L PRACTICE IN THE COURTS OF
I v t . ruiric, ^ bite, Monroe, Arkansas, St.
r rancis, Jackson and Independence counties. All
business intrusted to his care shall meet with
prompt attention. Office on Lyon street. no‘23-tf.
J>i*. .J. .J. LVNE,
Kesiacnt Physician,
DES ARC, ARKANSAS,
I rpENDERS HIS SERVICES TO THE CITIZENS
| X. of Des Arc and adjacent country. From
his experience, he hopes to share at least a por
tion of the patronage of the public. Office on
l$uena \ ista street, at Bfilsly s Drug Store. iy*v
E. T. SWEYER7
I>entist,
DES ARC, ARKANSAS.
I
\yiLL CONTINUE THE BUSINESS IN ALL
T V its branches, including continuous Gum
Work. Office on Buena Vista street, up stairs,
Jackson's new building. nov ltj-tf.
RUSS EVANS,
REAL ESTATE & GENERAL LAND AGENT.
DES ARC, ARKANSAS.
[JROMPT ATTENTION WILL BE GIVEN TO
all business entrusted to him in his
| “ne._ nov 3.
J. T. PARHAM,
.Ai-cliitoct and I3uilclor,
DES ARC, ARKANSAS.
0 OLIO ITS CONTRACTS FOR RUILDINCS OF
1 -v.-ry style. He is s'-;n prepare'! lo furnish
i • i - :• at >s and Drawing* <d' all tl.e rood
■ > mv ' cure: build, super.•.! a i
: . ' in- for huihP'tg at r i ■
; ■ i ! i i'i v ■ y |
‘dr. h. armistead,
i:hj inait,; ur^eon and Accouclicnr,!
DESS A EC, ARKANSAS.
HAWING PERMANENTLY LOCATED AT
DES ARC. offers his professional services
to the citizens of the town and adjacent country, i
Office on Lyon street. nov 3.
U. t. SIMPSON'. - - - O. S. PALMER.
SIMPSOX & PILIILR,
ATTORNEYS AT LAW,
DES ARC, ARKANSAS,
TT7TLT. PRACTICE IN PRAIRIE, WHITE,
\ \ Jar k' in, Monroe, St. Francis, and adjoin
ing counties. mh 8-tf
G. A. HANSON,
(Office— South Side Buena Vista Street,)
A T 1' « R X i: Y A T B, A XV ,
!)<>» Are, I’ralrlo County, Ark.
IX^ILL PRACTICE IN PRAIRIE. WHITE.
\Y Jackson, Monroe, Arkansas and adjacent
counties. mh 'll it
T. J. WOODSON,
Attorney til Law,
DES ARC, ARKANSAS,
■VTTILL PRACTICE IN THE FIFTH JUDICI XL
\\ ( ircuit. and the counties of White, Jack
son and .Monroe. All business intrusted to his
care will be promptly attended to. nov 3
~c7 a7 judsonT
Carpenter ancLIoiner,
DES ARC, ARKANSAS,
1
Dealer in sash, doors, mantles,
Window and Door Frames, etc. Shop comer
Erwin and Park Streets. N. B.—Coffins made to
order, on short notice. nov 3-y
A. W. MCNEILL,
Attorney til Law,
DES ARC, ARKANSAS,
PRACTICES IN THE COURTS OF TRAIIUE
X and adjacent counties. Office, corner Erwin
and Lyon streets. _- nov •'
HOFFHEIMER BROTHERS.
IMPORTERS AND DEALERS IN
Brandies, Gins, Wines, Cigars, Ac.,
ALSO,
DISTILLERS & MANUFACTURERS OF
Domestic Wines and Idquors,
32 & 34 Second St., betw. Main & Sycamore,
nov 23-tf._CINCINNATI, 0.
GARVIN, BELL <fc CO.,
IMPORTERS A WHOLESALE DEALERS IV
FOREIGN & DOMESTIC DRY-GOODS,
AND
Manufacturers of C lothing.
Nos. 442 and 444 Main Street, north side,
nov lC-6m._ LOUISVILLE, KV.
SEEDS! SEEDS!!
A LARGE LOT OF FRESH HUNGARIAN
Grass Seeds, just received and for sale by
nov. 3. JOHN JACKSON & CO.
TIU8IXi;,88 O A It D 8.
F. LEPTIEN, * - F. KLEIN.
LEPTEIN & KLEIN,
DEALERS IN
CLOCKS, WATCHES and JEWELRY,
Buena Vista Street,
DES ARC, ARKANSAS.
Having on hand a new and selected
stock of (.locks, Watches ar,<l Jewelry, we
respectfully solicit a continuance of the kind pat
ronage of the people of Des Arc and surrounding
country. ^ We are also prepared to do all kinds of
atcli, Clock and Jewelry work w*ith care and
despatch. All work warranted. dec 7-tf
0. M LAREN. ------- S. N. JACKSON.
MLAREN & JACKSON,
Successors to G. & J. McLaren & Co.,
DES ARC, ARKANSAS.
Dealers in staple and fancy dry
Goods, Ready-Made Clothing, Hats and
Caps, Bonnets, Boots and Shoes, Hardware and
C uttlery. Books, Stationery, etc. Also. Receiving,
Forwarding and Commission Merchants, nov 3.
R. C. M CARLEY, SA.m’l. R. BROWN, THOS. M’CARLEY.
MCCARLEY, BROWN, A CO.,
(Successors to R. C. McCarley J- Co.,)
DES ARC, ARKANSAS.
Dealers in staple and fancy dry
Goods, Ready-Made Clothing. Hats, Caps,
Boots and Shoes, Hardware, Cutlery, Saddles,
I i unks and \ alises. Also, Forwarding and Corn
mission Merchants. feb 15, ’01-tf.
F. H. ROBINSON,.0. J. BRANCH.
ROBINSON & BRANCH,
(Successors to G. W. Vaden,)
WHOLESALE ANI) RETAIL DEALERS IN
Cw rocci'ios nii<li*i*oclncc,
RECEIVING, F'OR WARDING A COMMISSION MERCHANTS,
nov 3._DES ARC, ARKANSAS.
A. STEWART, WM. STEWART, II. STEWART.
STEWART & BROS,
I » ecei v in**', Forcvardin"
axd roiniissiox MEitni tvis,
nov 3.DES ARC. ARK \NS \S.
KTE V M I'SOATM.
LEA i i .'•! i: .. Y Alt'RDA Y.
-v>
US]*.» j- ihtfkft,
j@l. d in £ral;
'.I?NEC BAIRD. .... Master.
('. J. Campbell, - - . Clerk.
* I
rniJIS FIXE FREIGHT AND PAS- i
1 sengcr m earner. having been thor- J&fFtgjgJi
oughly repaired, will run regularly between .Mem
phis and the various points ou White river,
throughout the season, arriving at Des Arc on
Mondays on her up trip, and down on Tuesdays.
For freight or passage, apply on board. r*i h 22-tl
LEAVES MEMPHIS EVERY THURSDAY.
Memphis. White and Little Red
River Packet,
EE racelet,
BEN. DUNCAN, .... Master.
COX & BOOKER, ... Clerks.
mins FINE FREIGHT AND PAS
I sen ger packet having entered the
above trade, will make regular weekly
trips,”eaving Memphis every Thursday evening.
For freight or passage, apply on board. mh22-tf
Regular Xew Orleans, W liite and
Little Red River Packet,
6Idc-Wliccl Steamer
I AT AN;
II. S. EATON, ..... Master.
millS FINE FREIGHT AND PASSENGER
L packet having been furnished with cotton
guards, and otherwise repaired, will run between
New Orleans and the various points on White
river, during the season, as a semi-montldy
packet. nov 23-tf
LEAVES MEMPHIS -EVERY TUESDAY.
Memphis and White River Packet,
Cm OI.DEN STATE,
HICKS KING,.Master.
J. B. Russell, ... Clerk.
This splendid passenger steamer
will make regular trips from Memphis to Des
Arc, Augusta and Juck%onport, on White river.
For freight or passage, apply on hoard.
LEAVES MEMPHIS EVERY FRIDAY.
Memphis, While and Lillie Red
River Racket,
OTew Moon,
JOHN HEARING, - - - Master.
II. Twomey, ... Clerk.
ra ils NEW AND 5 AST RUNNING
I steamer, having entered the above
trade, will make regular trips as above.™™’” ’ ■ ™
arriving at Des Arc every Sunday evening from
Memphis; passing down, will leave Des Arc every
Monday evening. For freight or passage, apply
on board._mar 15
SIDNEY Y. WATSON ' - *• S. HAMMOND.
WATSON & HAMMOND,
.Vttorney at Law,
OFFICE: TELEGRAPH BUILDING, NORTH
Side Court Square,
jay 18-tf. MEMPHIS, TENN.
excellent plows.
WE HAVE JUST RECEIVED A LARGE
quantity of the best Cast Plows, which wr
offer cheap. nov3. J. JACKSON &JC0.
POETICAL.
A California 1’oe.m.—Hiawatha.—To the ad
mirers of Hiawatha and the lovers of genuine
humor, the following parody from the April num
ber of the Knickerbocker, will be acceptable. It
is written by John Phoenix, of California, and
with a large class of readers will be fully as popu
lar as the original poem. Those who cannot ap
preciate the fun, it is to be hoped, will be con
ciliated by the excellent and striking moral:
Tlxo Sony of “ iXotliln.* Shorter.”
BY H. W. TALLEBOY.
At the mission of Dolores.
Near the town of San Francisco,
Dwelt an ancient Digger Indian
AVho supported his existence,
Doing chores and running errands,
(When he ‘got more kicks than coppers.’)
lie was old, and gaunt and ghostly,
And they called him • Step-and-fetch-it,’
Old and grim and ghostly was he,
Yet he had a lovely daughter,
Sweet and budding though not blushing,
For her skin was kinder tawney,
So she really couldn’t do it.
But she was a • gushing creature,’
And her springing steps so fawn-like
‘ Knocked the hind sights ’ off the daughters
Of the usurers consequential,
Who in buggies ride, important,
Battling past the lonely toll-gate.
Yes, a sweet and fairy''creature
Was old ‘ Step-and-fetch-it's ’ daughter,
And her name was • Tipsydoosen,’
Or the youug grasshopper eater !
Should you ask me whence this story,
Whence this legend and tradition
1 should answer, ‘ That's my business ;
And were 1 to go and tell you,
You would know as much as I do.’
Should you ask who heard this story,
This queer story, wild and wayward ?
1 should answer, I should tell you.
All the California people,
Pipes of l’ipesville, King of William,
Jones and Cohen, Kean Buchanan,
And Miss Heron, sweet us sugar;
And the Chinese, eating birds’ nests,
Well they know old ‘•Step-and-fetch-it.’
Near a grocery at the Mission,
Step-and-fetch-it and his daughter,
In the sun were once reclining,
Near them lay a whisky bottle,
Mighty little was there in it.
For the old man's thirst consuming,
Caused that fluid to evaporate.
In his hand old ‘ Step and-fetch-it ’
Held a long chunk oi boiled salmon,
Ami as fish, bones, all lie bolted,
Wagged from side to side Lis visage,
And with moans, strange, wild, portentous,
Sung the song of ‘ Nothin’ Shorter,’
Accompanied by Tipsydoosen,
In four sharps, upon the Jews’-harp.
Twang a diddle, twang a diddle,
Twang a diddle, twang a diddle,
Twang, twang, twang, turn!
‘ Nothin’ Shorter’ was a Digger;
So am l, and * nothin' shorter ;
i... ..-a
And lie lived upon the mountains,
Diig iiis roots and pulled his acorns,
And the rich grasshoppers roasted.
Hippy was he, bold and fearless,
lluU no trouble to m /lest him,
li t 1 no liras upon Lis blanket,
l'or in fact he hadn’t got one.
‘But one morning gazing earthward,’
lie beheld a pond of water
V. Inch he forthwith fell in love with,
And the pond reciprocated,
And they loved each other fondly,
Happy long they were together,
Twang a diddle, twang a dlJUlc,
Twang! twang! twang!
Yes, the pond loved ‘Noticin’ Shorter,’
Every day he bathed his forehead,
Gave him dring when he was thirsty,
Would have washed him well all over,
Only that would take the dirt off,
And the grease, and yellow ochre ;
In which his \ .-ad soul delighted.
But they live i . 1 loved together;
Yes, they Bv ; and loved together
(An original expression)
Till the sun, with fever scorching
Caused the little pond to ‘dry up.’
Then was Nothin Shorter angry.
Loud lie howled, and tore his breech-cloth,
And with fury shrieked and danced,
As on the sun he poured his curses.
And he cried, ‘0 .Scallcwagger !
(Which is the Indian name for sun, sir,)
You have been and gone, and done it,
It was you dried up my sweetheart,
Killed the beauteous Muddybottoui,
‘ You confess it: you confess it.
And lie saw the sun wink at him,
As if to say he felt glad of it.
Then up started Nothin’ .Shorter,
Out of willow-bark and rushes,
With them rent a crag asunder,
Rent a jutting crag asunder,
And. picking up the shattered pieces,
Hurled them at the sun in vengeance,’
And so fast the rocks kept flying
That the air was nearly darkened
And obscured, so Nothin' Shorter
Could not see but what he hit it,
So he ran and kept on throwing.
Stones and dirt, and other missiles,
Till the sun which kept retreating,
Got alarmed at his persistence,
And behind the western mountains
Hid his recreant head in terror.
Rut the last rock Nothin’ Shorter
Threw, fell back on his cobeza,
And produced a comminuted
Fracture of the cerebellum.
Twang a diddle, twang a diddle,
Twang, twang, turn.
r or some tunc poor JNotnin .'shorter
Lay upon the earth quite senseless,
Till a small exploring party
Under Colonel John C. Fremont,
Picked him up and fixed his bruises,
Put on Dailey s pain-extractor,
Aud some liquid opedeldoc.
When relieved, though sorely shattered;
lie sat up, upon his haunches,
And to Fremont told his story.
Gravely listened that young savan,
Wrote it down upon his note-book,
Had old Preuss te make a drawing
Representing Nothin' Shorter
Throwing boulders; then he gave him
An old blanket and 4 beef-bone,
And when he asked him for a quarter,
Told him-to go to the Devil.
But far away in Eastern cities
Fremont told that tale of wonder;
And a certain famous poet
Heard it all and saw the picture,
Wrote it out and had it printed
lu one volume post octavo,
And I wish I had the money
F’or this song of Nothin’ Shorter.
Twang a diddle, twang a diddle,
Twang, twang, twang.
At this junctnre, Amos Johnson,
Hushing tumultuously from his grocery,
p Crying, • Deru your Indian *proar ;
Stop that noise and ‘dry up’ quickly.
Or, by the Eternal Jingo!
I ll-’ here he saw Miss Tipsydoosen,
And the heart of Amos caved in,
As afterwards he told Miss Stebbins
That she ‘just completely knocked him.’
Why should I continue longer?
‘ Gentles,’ well ye know the sequel
How the bright-eyed Tipsydoosen
Now is Mrs. Amos Johnson ;
Wears gipure, and old point laces,
And won’t visit Mrs. Ilodgcns,
’Cause her husband once made harness.
Yes, a leader of the fashion
Now is ‘ Young Grasshopper Eater,’.
Aud the anc.-.t.t S:ep-and-fetch-it
Has a residence at Johnson’s;
In the back-yard an umbrella
Stuck for his accommodation,
Where lie sleeps and dreams lair visions
Of the day of Nothin’ Shorter;
And the moral of my tale is—
10 BE VIBXCOUS Attn BE HAPPY.
A FLEET MARRIAGE.
EY AN IRISHMAN.
Lady C. was a beautiful woman, but Lady
C. was an extravagant woman. She is still
single, though rather passed extreme youth.
Like most pretty females she looked too high
and estimated her own loveliness too dearly,
and now she refused to believe that she was
not as charming as ever. So no wonder she
remained unmarried.
Lady C. had about five thousand pounds in
the world ; she owed about forty thousand.
So with ail her wit and beauty she 'got into
the fleet, and was likely to remain there.
Now, in the time I speak of, every lady
had her head dressed by a barber ; and the
barber of the fleet was the handsomest bar
ber in the city of London. Pat Philan was
a great admirer of the fair sex; and where’s
the wonder? Sure, Pat was an Irishman. It
was a fine morning when Philan was dressing
her captivating head that her ladyship took
it into her mind to talk to him, and Pat was
pleased, for Lady O.’s teeth were the whitest
and her smile the brightest in all the world.
“So you are not married, Pat ?” says she.
“Niver an inch! your honor’s ladyship,”
says he.
“And wouldn’t you like to be married ?”
again asked she.
“Would a duck swim ?”
“Is there any one you would prefer ?”
“Maybe, madam,” said he, “you never
heard of Kathleen 0 Reilly, down beyond
Doncraile. Her father’s cousin toO’Donaho,
who is own steward to Mr. Murphy, the un
der agent to my Lord Kingston, and—*’
“Hush,” says she, “sure I don’t want to
know who .-be is. But would she have you
if you asked her?”
“Ah, thin. I’d only wish I’d be after thry
ing that same.”
I “And why don’t you?”
“Sure, I’m too poor.” And Thilan heav
ed a prodigious sigh.
“Would you like to be rich?”
“Does a dog bark ?”
“If 1 make you rich, will you doa3 I tell,
you ?”
“Miile murthers! your honor, bon’t be
•>
tantalizing a poor boy.”
“Indeed I am not,” said Lady C., so you
listen. IIow wouldjjyou like to marry me ?”
“Ah, thin, my lady, I believe that the king
of Russia himself, would like to do that same,
lave alutie a poor divil like Pat Philan.”
“Well, Pat, if y e! marry me to-morrow,
I’ll give you one thousand pounds.”
“Oh. whi Hindoo, whilabaloo! sure I am
mau, oi enenanieu oy lue gouu people, roar
ed l'at, dancing round the iloor.
“Put there are conditions,” said Lady C.
“After the first day of our nuptials you !
must never see me again, or claim me as your
wife.”
“I don’t like that,” said Tat, for he had j
Lvcn ogling her ladyship most desperately.
“Put remember Kathleen O’Reilly. With
the money I’ll give you, you may go and mar- i
>7 l,er-”
1 hat s thrue,” says he, “but thin the Lig- :
amy.”
“I’ll never appear again i,” said her
ladyship “Onb • t«A-o
an oath never to cal! me your wife after to
morrow.”
“Niver a word will I iver say ”
“Well, then,” says she, “there’s ten pounds.
Go and Lay a license, and leave the rest to
me; then :-iie explained to him where she was I
to co, and when he was to come, and all that.
The next day Pat was true to his appoint
ment, and found two gentlemen already with
her ladyship.
“Have you got a license?” says she.
“Here it is, my lady,” says he. and he gave |
it to her. She handed it to one of the gen- :
tlcmen, who viewed it attentively. Then, j
calling her two servants, she turned to the
gentleman who was reading.
And sure enough in ten minutes Pat Phi- !
lan was the husband, the legal husband of 1
the lovely Lady C.
“That will do,” says she to her husband,
as she gave him a hearty kiss; “that I'll do.
Now, sir, give me a marriage certificate.”
The old gentleman did so, and bowing re
spectfully to the five pound note she gave
him, he retired with his clerk; for sure
enough , 1 forgot to teil^tou that he was a par
son.
“Go and bring the warden,” says my Lady
to one of her servants.
“Yes, my lady,” says she; and presently
the warden appeared.
“Will you be good enough,” said Lady (J.,
in a voice that would call a bird off a tree,
“will you be good enough to send and fetch
me a hackney coach ? 1 wish to leave this
prison immediately.”
“Your ladyship forgets,” said lie. “that you
must pay forty thousand pounds before I can
let you go.”
“I am a married woman. You can detain
my husband, but not me.” And she smiled
at Philan, who began rather to disbke the ap
pearance of things.
“Pardon me. my lady, it is well known that
you arc single.”
“I tell you 1 am married.”
“Where's your husband?”
“There, sir !” and she pointed to the aston
ished barber; “there he stands. Here is my
marriage certificate, which you can peruse at
your leisure. My servants yonder were wit
nessess of the ceremony. Now, detain me,
sir, at your peril.”
The warden was dumb-founded, and no won
der. Poor Philan would have spoken, but
neither party would let him. The lawyer he
low was consulted. The result was evident.
In half an hour Lady 0. was free, and Pat
Philan. her legitimate husband, a prisoner for
debt to the amount of forty thousand pounds.
Well, sir, for sometime Pat thought he was
in a dream, and the creditors thought they'
were still worse. The following day they
had a meeting, and finding how they had been
tricked, swore they’d detain Pat forever. 13ut
as they knew he had nothing, and wouldn’t
feel much shame in going through the insol
vent court, they made the best of a bad bar
gain, they let let him go.
Well, you must know about a week after
this, Paddy Philan was sitting by his little
fire, and thinking over the wonderful things,
when as sure as death, the postman brought
him a letter, the first he had ever received,
which he took over to a friend of his, one
Ryan to read for him, because you see he was
no great hand at reading writing. It ran
thus:
“Go to Doneraile and marry Kathleen O’Re
illy. The instant the knot is tied I perform
my promise for making you comfortable for
life. But as you value your life and liberty,
never breathe a word of what has passed.
Remember you are in my power if you tell
your story. The money^wiil be paid to you
directly if you enclose your marriage certifi
cate. X send you 5U pounds for present ex
penses. G.”
c f, | ^ i -1 V .didn t he start next day
tor Cork, and didn i he ,, lU n
. , , ,~w. Kathleen, and
touch a thousand pounds: l>y cowers
he did. And what is more, he took a cou«,_
which perhaps you know, not a hundred miles
from Bruffin, in the county of Limerick;
and i’fay, lie forgot his first wife entirely, and
never told any one but myself under prom
ise of secrecy, the story of his Fleet Mar
riage. _
PROGRESS OF MR. LINCOLN.
Myself, Abe, and the rest have encount
ered a rapid succession of large things, in the
oration way, since I last wrote you.
Abe is becoming more grave. He don’t
construct as many jokes as he did. He fears
he will get things mixed up if he don’t look
out, and sincerely as I regard myself compe
tent to fill the consulship of Liverpool, I fear
he will. ‘I am not so much of a Washing
ton as I was,” he touchingly remarked"to me
this morning. “No,” I replied, “George is
dead.”
We made a short stop at Cleveland, Paines
viilc and Erie, but passed Buffalo in conse
quence of Gen. Scroggs being absent. It was
also deemed not worth while to stop at Roches
ter, as I. Botts was out of town.
At Albany we were “recepted,” until some
time after our arrival, on account of our
inability to find Gov. Morgan. We all went
off to find the old Governor, and finally Weed
and I discovered him in the colored tier of
the theater, in company with Horace Gree
ley. 'I hey came down and ‘recepted’ us.
“Got any terbacker in your trowses, Horace?’
says I. “No,” looking sternly at Thurlow,
“the weed don’t agree with me.”
On entering the Capitol Mr. Lincoln re
marked that lie believed the other penitentia
ry was located at Auburn. It was u painful
error, Mr. Lincoln immediarely apologized
on discovering his error.
Col. Ellsworth is with us. Old Scott is to
resign in favor of Col. Ellsworth, immediate
ly on our arrival in Washington. We all
think that Scott is played out and are in fa
vor of Col. Ell-worth. Scott is very old.
Dear me ! yes, Col. Ellsworth is only thirteen
years of age.
It is to he deeply regretted that the hotels
along our route thus far have not been prop
erly condncted. Although my connection
with Vanity Fair was well-known, not a sin
gle hotel dead-headed me. I was compelled,
indeed, to pay for my beverage. You will
thus see the reason why I studiously refrain
from making the slightest allusion to the De
levan House at Albany, or the Astor House
in th’p- city. Neither of these hotels has
“gentlemanly clerks.”
A nleasimr incident occurred at Hudson.
.Several young ladies come into the ears, and
the President elect folded them rapturously
to his bosom. They said “don’t,” which in
duced the President to believe they liked it.
The dailies have told you of our reception
in the metropolis. Ilenry Ward Beecher
told me, as we were getting some coffee and
cakes in Chatham street, that it was indeed
an extensive thing.
it is popularly believed that Mr. Lincoln is
not classically educated, which belief had
i:. r.iOwLut - -1 n t-. our civly y Vti t o t
the dinner at the Astor, where the bills of
fare are printed in French, Mr. Lincoln un
hesitatingly called for a sine quanon of beans,
and q/Si'ix>( of pork, thus showing his thor
ough familiarity with the deceased languages.
.Mr. Lincoln says that New York and Phil
adelphia arc huger places than Springfield,
being more thickly settled.
Mr. Lincoln has abstained from facetiously
designating hotel napkins as towels, since
Gen. Nye, win >e winning ways and polite de
portment are strikingly similar to those of the
late Lord Chesterfield, joined our party.
Mr. Lincoln continues to measure with all
tall men who present themselves, and in va
rious other dignified ways presents a full un
derstanding of the grave duties which will
shortly surround him. The assertion that he
dare not let his measures be known is a w*eak
invention of the enemy, lie measures with
every one who wants him to.
Yours, in haste.
C. AUGUSTUS.
IMPORTANT EVENTS IN OUR HISTORY.
Since the day of the presidential election
the events that have transpired in the l uited
States have been many and important. The
N. 0. True Delta classifies them as follows:
On the 20th of December, South Carolina
passed an ordinance of secession. This was
followed by the seizure of the revenue cutter
Aiken, and of the United States arsenal. On
the 20th Major Anderson moved from Fort
Moultrie to Fort Sumpter, and so took com
mand of Charleston harbor. On the 20th of
January, Forts Pulaski and Jackson, and the
United States arsenal at Savannah, with Fort
Mason and the arsenal at Fayetteville, N. C-,
were seized. On the l>d Fort Morgan, near
A f i : l __1 iL . AT_*. V_- 1 _
*'iU 9j i i v ^ uiiva u:o I VI Iivu lit vvuitij n vi v
taken. On the Gth the arsenal at Apalachi
cola, and on the 8th, Forts Johnson and Cass
well, in North Carolina, were also seized. The
same day, the Florida convention adopted se
cession resolutions. On the 9th Mississippi
followed suit, while at Charleston the New
York steamer Marion was seized and the Star
of the West fired into. On the lUth, Fort
McRae, at Pensacola, and on the 11th. Forts
Pike, St. Philip and Jackson, with the arse
nal at Raton Rouge, were seized. The same
day Alabama seceded. On the 12th, Fort
Barrancas and the Pensacola navy-yard were
taken. On the 19th Georgia seceded. On
Sunday, January 20th, Ship Island (Miss.)
fort was taken by Capt. Howard. On the
20th, Governor Brown, of Georgia, seized
the arsenal at Augusta. February 2d, the
cutter Lewis Cass, was surrendered by its trai
torous commander. Feb. 8th, the arsenal at
Little llock was taken. Feb. 8th, the Mont
gomery convention proclaimed the “Confed
erate States of America,” and elected Jeff.
Davis President of its provisional govern
ment. The same day five New l’ork vessels
were seized in the port of Savannah, by or
der of Gov. Brown. On the lGth of Febru
ry the arsenal and other property belonging
to tic United States at San Antonia, Texas,
was taken possession of by the State troops.
What will next transpire, so fast does one
startling event give place to another still more
startling, it is difficult to conjecture.
-—» m -
In Cincinnati the other day, an Irishman
became angry at a negro, and broke seven or
eight bricks upon his head, without doing him
the least injury. The negro, who was per
fectly cool during the operation, exclaimed,
“ Struck away, white man. Dis chile don’t
mind dem pebbles, no hew ! Yah ! yah !
“ Do you think,” asked Mrs. Pepi'er, rather
sharply, “ that a little temper is a bad thing
in a woman ?" “ Certainly not, ma’am,” re
plied the gallant philosopher; “ it is a good
thing, and she ought never to lose it."
✓
..mu ! „■ am-———————
ALL SORTS OF PARAGRAPHS.
If a small boj' be called a lad, is it proper
to call a bigger boy a ladder.
1 *''°)'«<;Qr Agassiz assures us that the grass
hopper s orga..- hearing are in his legsi
The only greenhorn iv tolerated is a
mintjulep.
A good man is kinder to his enemy than a
bad man to hi3 friends.
Fkesii rolls every morning—Rolling to
the other side of the bed for a fresh snooze.
There are said to be SO,000 veterans of
the war of 1812 in New York State alone.
lie that can keep his tongue is better thaif
he that can keep a carriage.
It is a glorious thing to resist temptations,
but it is a sale thing to avoid them.
The injustice from which a man has most
to iear is his own;
Black swans and wise lovers are great rari
ties in the world.
A good cause is more injured by a weak
defense than by a strong attack.
No man has a right to do as he pleases, ex
cept when he pleases to do right.
More persons are admired and envied from
being unknown than from being known.
Suicides have of late been extraordinary
numerous in l’aris and the neighbourhood.
Love is a compound of honey and gall,
mixed in various proportions for customers.
A parent’s forgiveness of a daughter when
her heart is broken, is pardon after execution.
Tears are nature's lotion for the eves. The
eyes see better for being washed with them.
Why is a fashionable lady like a rigid econ
omist '( Because she makes a great bustle
about a little waist.
In matters of conscience the first thoughts
are the best; in matters of prudence, the
last.
man that can be flattered is not necessa
lWr a fool, but you can alwaps make one of
him.
The best atonement for evil deeds is to set
about the performance of worthier ones.
Without discretion learning is pedantry,
and wit impertinence j and virtue itself looks
like weakness.
Well may every act, and every silent
thought—-deep hidden though it be—tend to
the great hereafter.
For science and reasoning go to Euclid, for
wit to Shakspeare, but for wisdom to the
Bible.
Gen. Jo Lane is reported to have given as
bis opinion that President Buchanan is “U
kurrupt ” for the democracy.”
A young lady out West is charged with
putting on airs because she refused to go to a
ball barefoot.
The things can never agree—two cats over
one mouse, two wives in one house, or two
lovers over one maiden.
jl iu*u V.j. _v.a, „v:„r
end of man, answered, “ The end what’s got
the head ou.”
A short time ago a man became so com
pletely “ wrapped in thought ” that he was
tied up. labeled, and set oil on the “ train of
ideas.”
“You want nothing, do you?” said Pat
“ Bedad, an’ if it’s nothing you want,
you’ll find it in the jug where this whis
ky was.”
David Tender, popping the question in a
letter, concluded thus: “And should you
sav ve.s, dear 31 ary, I will truly be your D.
Fender.”
An Irishman caught a hornet in his hand,
but dropped it and exclaimed, “ Be jabers,
what kind of teeth do you birds have in
Amerriky ?”
A young man in conversation one evening
chanced to remark, “ I am no p’.ophet.”
“ True,” replied a lady present, “ no profit to
yourself or to any one else.”
A wag seeing a lady at a party with a very
low-necked dress and bare arms, expressed bis
admiration by saying she out-stripped the
whole party.
Irish Sergeant—“Attention, Company, and
tend to rowl call. All of ye that are prisint,
say Here, and all of ye that are not prisint,
say Absint.”
A very pious old gentleman told his Sons
not to go, under any circumstances, a fishing
ou the Sabbath, but if they did, by all means
to bring home the fish.
“ 3Iick,” said a bricklayer to his laborer,
“ if you meet Patrick, tell him to make haste,
as we arc waiting for him.” “Shure and I
will,” replied 3lick, “ but what will I tell
him him if I don’t meet him ?”
A father of three sons and five daughters
was asked what family he had. The reply
was : “ T have three sons, and thev have each
five sisters.” “ Mercy !” replied the interro
gator, “ sicli a family ye maun have.”
A little girl of four years old was called as
a witness in the Durham police court, and, in
answer to the question as to what became of
little girls who told lies, she innocently re
plied that they were sent to bed.
A fellow of atrocious ugliness chanced to
pick up a good looking glass on the road, but
when he looked at it himself, he flung it away
in a rage, crying, “ If you had been good for
anything, you would not have been thrown
away by your owner.”
A country girl, from the field, was told by
her cousin that she looked as fresh as a daisy
kissed with dew.” “ Well, it wasn’t any fel
ler by that name, but it was Steve Jones that
kissed me ; I told him that every one in town
would find it out.”
“Well, Mr. Richards, how does my son get
along with his grammar lesson ?” “ He sur
passes any pupil that ever I had.” “ In what
does he chiefly excel, sir V’ “ In stupidity;
sir. He surpasses any boy that ever I saw
in that quality, sir.” *
A beautiful thought is thus suggested id
the Koran—“ Angels, in the grave, will not
question thee as to the amount of wealth tboii
hast left behind, but as to the what deeds
| thou hast done in the world to entitle thee to
a seat among the blest.”
A tipsy customer, who was seated on the
box with the stage driver, swayed backward
i rill he tumbled otf. The mud was deep, and
j be fell soft. “ There, now,” he exclaimed,
as be crawled out of the slough, “ I knew
you’d upset, if you didn’t take care.” On
being told that they did not upset—“ Not up
■ cat 1” he echoed in amazement. “ If I’d have
‘ known that, I wouldn’t have gone off.”