LAUGH THESE OFF!
And That’s the Moral
A young man stood on the cornet
smolt'ng a cigar. A wild-eyed re
forint r ve t up to him and said:
“ATy son. how many cigars do yot:
sm: he a day?”
"Two." was the answer.
"How much do they cost you?”
“Ten cents each.”
“Young man. do you know if yot:
saved that money, in 20 years yot:
could be the owner of that big build
ing there?”
"Do you own that building?”
“No,” replied the reformer, “I
don’t.”
“\Yt 11.” answered the young man,
“I do.”
At the Boarding House
In the lower hall a bunch of girls
were discussing the topic nearest
their hearts.
“Oh. girls,” said Dolly, “I know a
new charm to tell when one really
loves >ou.” And of course they all
wanted to hear it.
“You take five or six chestnuts,”
said Dolly, “name each after a man
you know and place them on the
stove. • The first one to pop is the
one who loves you.”
“H’mm,” mused a beautiful blonde
who sat toying with a new diamond
ring. "I know a much better way.
"Select one man, place him on a
*ofa in the parlor, sit close to him,
with a dim light. If he doesn’t pop
it’s time to change the man on the
sofa X'
Positive Proof.
Father was utilizing Saturday af
ternoon to widen Norman’s sphere
of knowledge.
“Just fancy, Norman!” he said,
pointing around him. “At one time
these fields were covered by the sea
and fish were swimming about on
the very spot on which we stand!”
“Yes, dad,” said Norman. “Look!
Here’s an empty salmon tin!”
A Popular Place.
Pat was on trial before a jury of
his local peers. ‘Now,” said the
prosecutor, "tell the jury where you
were on the night of Feb. 12.”
“Faith an’ yer honor,” replied Pat,
•scrutinizing the faces of the jurors,
“I think the gintlemen know where
the joint is as well as I do.”
The Definite Delineator
What sort of a chap is he?
Well, he thinks the Mason and
Dixon line is a railroad.
A Woman Knows.
“My dear,” remarked Jinks, who
had just finished reading a book on
"The Wonders of Nature,” "this is a
remarkable work. Nature is marvel
ous! Stupendous! When I read a
book like this it makes me think
how insignificant is man.”
"Huh!” said his wife. "A woman
doesn’t, have to wade through 400
pages to discover that!”
Sweet Daddy.
Elsie—Shall I put on my mackin
tosh and run out and post these let
ters, mother?
Mother—No, dear, it’s not fit for
a dog to be out a night like this.
Let your father post them.
Far Away Limit.
Doctor—Why don’t you set a limit
for yourself.
Patient—I do, but I get drunk be
fore I reach it.
His Wife’s Excuse
Husband—Why in the world are we
having fish every day?
Wife—I’ve read such a lovely reci
pe for removing fish bones from the
throat, and I want to try it out.
Heard at the Navy Crew Race.
Biddie—I suppose you have been
in the navy so long you are accus
tomed to sea legs?
Middie—Lady, I wasn’t even look
ing.
Not A Beauty.
A man went fishing and caught a
big pike, the biggest he had landed
in his long and busy life.
He was elated, and telegraphed his
wife: "I’ve got one; weighs seven
pounds and it’s a beauty.”
The following was the answer he
got: "So have I! weighs ten pounds.
Not a beauty—looks like you. Come
home.”
Co-Eds Win Point
Against Male Students
Fashion of No Garters
(By Associated Press)
SEATTLE, Wn., Mar. 13.—Univer
sity of Washington male students al
1 most universally adopted a “no-gar
ter” style here this winter, but co
eds expressed such strong disap
proval of the fashion that a compro
imise of wearing silk socks with gar
ters at formal dances was effected.
Campus sheiks advocating the non
garter style declared that garters
were bad for the circulation of the
blood, that ten hours a year were
I saved by 'hot having them fastened
to socks, that elimination of their
purchase reduced the high cost of
college education, and that it was
! always a bother to hunt for them
in the morning.
British Army Sees Value
of Weil Cooked Rations
(By Associated Press)
LONDON, Mar. 13.—The British i
army has never been better fed than
it is today, says a war office offi-1
cial. Cooks are specially trained
and their work will easily challenge
comparison with that of West End
chefs.
So sure are the authorities of this
fact that Britain’s new way of feed
ing its fighters will be demonstrated
i at a cookery and food exhibition in
London next month. Cooks from t’r ■
three service branches, army, tw\
and air force, will be there.
The excellence of the army cooks’
culinary efforts is due largely to a
new book issued by the army coun
: cil, which gives full instructions as
to baking, steaming, brazing and fry
ing, as well as recipes and hints on
i carving.
SALESMEN WANTED.
Additional salesman wanted for un
occupied territories. Our proposition
is an unusual opportunity for high
grade men, offering greatest earning
power and steady work. Must have
car. Full information on request.
Minneapolis Woolen Mills Co., Inc., 612
First ave., No., Minneapolis, Minn, tf
Very Muchly So
“On arriving at Frisco my mother
had lots of trouble with the officials
there about the Chinese vases she
endeavored to bring in.”
“Custom?”
“I’ll say she did.”
PROFESSIONAL CARDS
W. D. Coppernoll
ATTORNEY AND COUNSELOR AT
LAW
Will Practice in All Courts of the !
Territory
SEWARD, ALASKA
SEE
Curtin R. M or ford
FOR FIRE INSURANCE
Dr. A. R. Roberts
DENTIST
Dental and General
X-RAY WORK
New Tecklenberg Bldg.
Phone Mad. 108 - - - Seward, Alaska
Dr. J. A. Baughman
Physician and Surgeon
CHRONIC DISEASES A SPECIALTY
Phone Madison 90. Seward, Alaska
Hugh Dougherty
FURNISHED HOUSES FOR RENT ■
Real Estate and Insurance
Business Phone Adams 152
Residence Phone, Madison 58
Aaron E. Rucker
ATTORNEY AT LAW
Office in Arcade Building
iPhone Adams 121 Seward, Alaska
TICKETS FOR ICE POOL
The tickets for the big Nenana Ice
Pool were received yesterday by Mr.
Christ Larsen, and are on sale at his
place of business next to the Liberty
Theatre for one dollar each. Christ
has 300 tickets. He also received
one of the official ballot boxes. The
tickets are placed in the box when
the contest is closed and soldered up,
td await the breaking of the ice. They
are marked for the month, day, hour,
minute, A. M. or P. M. if you want
j to take a chance on the ice pool, get
your tickets soon as the contest clos
es on April 20.
Last year the ice went out at 3:10
P. M. May 11. 8000 tickets were sold
making a handsome prize for the win
ner. The winners last year were F.
A. Mann, Thos. J. Walsh, Margaret
Hanot and Charles Mattson.
Pleasantly Plump.
He—Pardon me. May I have this
dance?
She—No. I’m too danced out.
He—You’re not too darn stout.
Youre just pleasingly plump.
BACK GIVES OUT?
Then Follow the Advice of A
Resident of this Locality.
Are you dragging along day after
day with a dull, nagging backache?
Do you feel tired, lame and achy;
sutler sharp, torturing pains at every
sudden move? Then look to your kid
neys! Colds, strains and overwork
weaken the kidneys and bring on
throbbing backache and knife-like
twinges. Don’t risk serious kidney
disease! Fse Doan’s Pills—a stimu
lant diuretic to the kidneys. Dead
what a resident of this locality says:
Martin Varela, 166a Paris St., Sail
Francisco, Cal., says: “My back
didn’t permit me to lift because it
was sore and lame and took all i
could do ro keep going. As l bent,
it seemed as though my kidneys
were being pierced with a knife. 1
had to get up at night to pass the
kidney secretions and they burned
and were often heavily laden with
sediment. Doan's Pills cured me.”
Price 60c. at all dealers. Don’t
simply ask for a kidney remedy—get
Doan’s Pills—the same that Mr.
Valera had. Foster-Milburn Co.,
Mfrs., Buffalo, N. Y.
Qet This
Fdiftt, It's
Important
—the point of a Parker ^ Duofold
is made of genuine native
Tasmanian Iridium ry which costs
over three times as / / much as the
iridium used in / / ordinary
fountain pen / / points. That’s
why the Parker If Duofold is
called the 25- fj year point.
That’s whyit f^j is the cheapest
penonearth /glat $7 — because its
usefulness is everlasting.
Lady Duofotd or OooSold Jr., $5
Gold Ring or Gold Pocket-clip
included free.
Pack along a Duofold
on your vacation
Ask To ; See It At
ORLANDER, the Jeweler
AUTO SERVICE and
STORAGE—
P. M. OGLE
ANDY’S EXPRESS
MEETS ALL BOATS AND
TRAINS
Prompt and Reliable Service
Phone Madison 143
CHOP SUEY, NOODLES,
OYSTERS AND SHELL
FISH—
Open Day and Night
Private Dining Rooms
SEWARD GRILL
LISTENING TO THE WORLD WITH A
RADIOLA RECEIVING SET
THE BEST RECEIVING SETS ON THE MARKET
PRICES EQUIPPED IN SEWARD
RADIOLA SUPER VIII. .... $425.00
RADIOLA SUPER HETERODYNE - §285.00
SOME STATIONS HEARD ON THESE SETS AT SEWARD
WGY
KDKA
WTAM
WWI
WSAI
WEBH
WQJ
WLS
WCBD
WCAL
KFIZ
WDAF
WHB
WCK
wos
WOI
9XE
KFKX
WFAA
WRAP
WOQ
VVFAE
KOA
KFPH
KFI
KHJ
KJS
KWH
KFSG
KFON
KGO
KLX
KPO
KGW
KFBL
KGY
KFAE
KFOA
KHQ
KFHR
CNRC
CFCN
CFAC
CKCD
CJCE
CFCL
CFCT
Western Electric Company, Schenectady N Y
wfntinfh2USe Ele£ric Comr(any. East Pittsburgh," Pa!.
Willard Storage Battery Company. Cleveland, ' Ohio
lord Motor Company, Dearborn, Michigan
U. S. Playing Card Company, Cincinnati, Ohio
Edgewater Beach Hotel, Chicago
Calumet Baking Powder Company, Chicago!” iTf.’.
Sears Roebuck Company, Chicago, HI
Shilok Park, Zion City, III..
St. Olaf College, Northfield, Minn.
rhe Daily Commonwealth, Fon du Lac Wis.
Kansas City Star, Kansas City, Mo
The Sweeney School Co., Kansas City," Mo.
Stix, Baer, & Fuller, St. Louis, Mo.
State Marketing Bureau, Jefferson City” Mo.
Towa State College, Ames, Iowa
Davenport, Iowa . .
Westinghouse Electric Company, Hastings, Neb.
the Dallas News-Journal, Dallas, Texas .
Star Telegram, Fort Worth, Texas ... .
Western Radio Company, Kansas City, Mo.’".””.
Western Radio Corporation, Denver Col.
General Electric Company, Denver Col
H. C. Mailender, Salt Lake City, Utah .
Karl Anthony, Los Angeles, Cal.
t1!'-,0!68 TMirror Company, Los Angeles, Cal.
Bible Institute, Los Angeles, Cal..
Los Angeles Examiner, Los Angeles Cal
Echo Park Evan. Assn!, Los Angles, Cal. .
Echophone Radio Shop, Long Beach, Cal .
General Electric Company, Oakland,’ Cal! .
Tribune Publishing Co., Oakland, Cal .
Hale Brothers, San Pk-ancisco, Cal.!.
Portland Orgonian, Portland, Ore.. ..
Leese Brothers, Everett, W ashington ..
Martin s College, Lacy, Washington .
State College of Washington, Pullman, Wash
Rhodes Department Store, Seattle, Washington ’..!"!!!!
Louis vV asmer, Seattle, Washington
Star Electric and Radio Company, Seattle, Wash. ..
wn wa r Na.tl0"al. Rr‘ilro,ad Company, Calgary, Canada '"”"”!!!"”
*V • w. Grant, Calgary, Canada .
The Calgary Herald, Calgary, B. C...
Vancouver Daily Herald, Vancouver, B. C, .
Sproot Shaw Radio Company, Vancouver, B. C. .
Centennial Methodist Church, Victoria, B. C .
Victoria City Temple, Victoria, B C
CAL M. BROSIUS
BUILDERS' SUPPLIES SEWARD, ALASKA
RADIO CORPORATION OF AMERICA PRODUCTS
380
326
390
273
309
373
-148
345
345
360
273
411
411
360
440
360
285
476
476
360
278
325
469
395
360
360
278
234
312
509
423
492
258
330
455
360
240
449
410
410
410
400
C.M
CAL M. BROSIUS
Builders’ Supplies
s --—.
Do Not Bother Washing at Home
Send your washing to the
Seward Steam Laundry
Telephone Main 148
HOTEL ANCHORAGE
F. I. REED, Proprietor
Rooms with Bath. Sample Rooms in Connection
Strictly Modem Prices Reasonable
Steam Heat Good Service
HOT AND COLD WATER IN EVERY ROOM
Bus meets all trains and boats
ANCHORAGE, ALASKA
HOTEL SEXTON
GEORGE SEXTON, Proprietor
SEWARD’S HOMEY HOTEL, WHERE THE OLDTIMERS
MEET
VAN GILDER HOTEL
HOT AND COLD WATER IN EVERY ROOM
STEAM HEAT
J. S. BADGER
HOTEL SEWARD
OSCAR DAHL, Proprietor
HOMEY, COMFORTABLE ROOMS AND BATH
Convenient to Depot and Dock