Howe About:
Poorhouse Author
Misbehaving
A Big Man’s Family
fi<. Bell Syndicate—WNU 8«rvle».
By ED HOWE
J HAVE received nn unusual let
* ter from a man 1 do not know,
and who lives in a distant state. He
says: ''Ton once wrote Hint a hook
entitled ‘The Autobiography of a
Failure' might meet public favor. I
enclose an attempt at such writing,
and, as s preliminary, tell you my
qualifications. I spent ten years
In nn Insane asylum, but was never
discharged as cured. At present I
am In a poorhouse, and half blind.
In addition to being somewhat pal
sled and rheumatic. I am sixty
four years old and have never mar
rled. My manuscript was typed
by another inmnte of the poorhouse
where I live.''
Probably no editor would ennsid
er this writing for publication, as
It is cnrelessly written and ar
ranged, tint 1 believe any of them
would rend It. as I did. Curiously
enough, this nuthor la conservative,
and quotes witli approval some of
the most noted writers of history
who have denounced radicalism, lie
grumbles st the rich s good deal,
hut admits the ordinary facts of life
with considerable Intelligence.
Altogether, T do not believe tills
man Is Insane, or ever has been;
he displays, Indeed, more than aver
age sense In his thinking. I think
his trouble Is failure to properly
mnnnge Ills mind and his body,
which Is the fault of millions of
other unfortunates. I have not been
more Interested In a writer In many
years. At times he Is almost brtl
llant In hls observations; nowhere
Is he vulgnr or foolish, hut frequent
ly commonplace, as all are outside
or Inside of poor houses or Insane ,
asylums.
In the unexpurgated edition of
the Memoirs la printed a letter
Sllerlus once wrote. Apparently the
correspondent hnd written that he
was handicapped In life because of
his haring been divorced, of his
drinking a good deal, and being
known as an atheist. In his reply.
Silerlus said; "I have been divorced
twice, but, long after 1 am aa well
thought of by my neighbors, as i
either of the women 1 divorced; and
both are good women. 1 am an
atheist, but neither has that injured
me. I have experimented freely w ith
liquor, and solved the problem of
quitting both drinking and talking
about the subject. I do not believe
you state your real problem In writ
lng to me. Mine has always been
to better manage my own mind and
body, and thus gain the respect of
those with w hom 1 associate In small
and great thinga."
• « •
There is argument as to whether
my preaching is sound. I wish It
to be. and to say I am occasionally
commended. A man thirty-five ycara
old recently wrote me: "1 have liked
your articles for some years, hut
the finest, the most beneficial ser
mon that ever reached me (and my
father was a clergyman) was print
ed lately. You said: The arnbl
tlon to behave, soundly based on the
selfish (not noble) knowledge that
It Is finally the best and easiest
way, will supply al! the human
service a human can hope for' . . .
I think 1 now undorstand what yon
have tried so well to make plain,
to wit: that actually it is a stub
born fact counting the after costs In |
conscience, disrupted plans, shocked ;
nerves, time lost forever, and injury
to othera, good behavior is easier j
than misbehavior. I thank you. j
sir, for help in my weak endeavor
to become a better man."
• » •
A noted Big Man lately appeared (
at an airport with his wife, a son
of fourteen and a daughter of sev
enteon. The Big Man was rushing
from one Important duty to another,
and chafing at the delay of forty
minutos, when a reporter found him.
The Big Man loved publicity, and
talked freely. He had enormous
ideas, very much hotter than profes
slonal writers put Into books and
magazines. But members of his
family were tired of his talk. “Start
fanning," said the impudent boy;
“dad's turned on the hot air." The
w ife and daughter expressed almost
equal impudence and disapproval
of the Big Man's talk. . . . I re
call that, when a child, we were all I
very tired of my father's talk, we
hoard it so much, and it was always
the same. But we were poor peo
pie; I had supposed that Big Men
talk so wisely that members of their
own families listen with awe and j
Interest. It seems they do not.
• * •
We are commanded to love all
alike, Including our enemies, hut I
often sin, and confess 1 have fa
vorites. Some people annoy me go
much and unnecessarily I cannot
love them; a few others treat me
well, and I specially like them. . . ,
And I believe I'm right about It;
1 do not believe the command that
I love tny enemies as well as my
friends had any great authority hack
of It.
• * •
When you have hard luck there
Is, of course, only one thing to do:
endeavor to Improve It. The neigh
bors won’t help you; It Is often the
neighbors who stir up your bard
ln/»U
BEDTIME STORY
By THORNTON W. BURGESS
A PAIR OF HANDY
POCKETS
t(VES, Indeed," continued Nlm
* bleheels, “I tnke the very
greatest care of my toll. The way
I feel about It Is that I might Just
as well lose my life as my tall. I
probably would anyway."
“Probably would what?” asked
Peter, looking puzzled.
"Probably would lose my life, of
course, If I should lose my tail." re
plied Nlmblebeels. "You see, In
times of danger I depend on Jump
Ing to escape, but without looking
correctly there would be no use In
“Hav# You a Pocket?" Peter De
manded.
Jumping. And as I have already
told you, It Is my long tall which
keeps my balance In the air. But
such a long tnil Is a great help,"
added Nlmhleheels with a funny lit
tie sigh.
I should say sol” exclaimed Pe
ter Rabbit.
The eyes of Nlmhleheels twinkled.
"I should like to know what you
know about It,” snld he.
I’eter glanced nt his own funny lit
tle hunch of a tall and laughed.
"Nothing,” snld he. "My tall Isn't
the least hit of care. But I was
thinking that If I had as long a
tall for my size ns you have for
your size It certainly would he some
tall and some care. I suspect that
lots of times when I thought myself
safe Inside the dear Old Brier
Batch my tall would be way out
side. I really don't see how you
keep track of so much tall.”
“Oh." replied Nlmhleheels, “that
Is easy enough. When I am not
Jumping or running about I keep It
curled around In front of me. Then
1 know Just where It is. By the
way, Peter, do you mind If I go
look for a pocketful of seeds? I
am rather hungry.”
“Look ns much as you like, I
think you will find plenty here In
the Old Brier Patch, but before you
f ©PUGACP I
“When a girl gets a man eating
out of her hand, *o to speak,” says
romantic Romona, “it is a safe bet
she will eoon have him eating out
of cans.”
<P). Bell Syndicate —W.VU Service.
go tell me what you mean by a
pocketful," replied Peter.
"Just exactly what I snld," retort
ed Nlnihleheels. "If I can Just get
a pocketful of seeds I can bring
i them hack here and we enn talk
while I eat them."
Peter blinked Ills eyes and stared
at Nlnihleheels In the rudest way.
It certainly was most Impolite.
"Have you a pocket?" Peter de
mended.
"Certainly. Of course," replied
Nlnihleheels. "How In the world
was I going to get a pocketful of
seeds If I hadn't a pocket to put
them In? As a matter of fact. I’ve
got two pocketB, nnd mighty handy
pockets they are. I really can't
Imagine how anyone can get along
without pockets. Next to my tall
I think more of my pockets thnn of
anything else I possess"
Peter was still staring ns rudely
ns ever. "I don't see anj,” snld he.
“Where are they?"
"In my cheeks, of course. Where
else would they he?" replied Nlm
hleheels. Peter didn't know where
else they might he, so he said noth
Ing. “They are so handy that I
simply couldn’t get along without
them." continued Nlnihleheels,
Peter sighed. "I wish I had n
pair of handy pockets," said he. "
©, T W Hurness.—WNU Horvlce.
SALAD DRESSINGS
A PALATABLE salad dressing Is
the umking of a salad. The
french dressing Is one of the favor
ites as well ns mayonnaise made
with sweet fresh olive oil. However,
for those who cannot obtain fresh
olive oil, or find It too costly for the
purse, there are others that are
most tasty and easy of preparation.
Cooked Dressing.
Put one egg, two tahlespoonfuls
of sugar, one and one-half tea
spoonfuls of salt, one to two tea
spoonfuls of mustard, a dash of cay
enne and paprika and one-fourth of a
cupful of vinegar nnd three-fourths
of a cupful of salad oil In a deep
bowl, but do not stir. Tnke four
tahlespoonfuls of cornstarch and
add slowly one cupful of water.
When well mixed stir and cook un
til clear and well cooked. Add the
hot cornstarch mixture to the con
tents of tlie bowl and beat briskly
with an egg beater until the dress
ing is thick and creamv. If by any
chance the mixture seems thin
add another whole egg nnd con
tinue beating.
French Dressing, Richelieu.
Mix three-fourths of a teaspoon
ful of salt, one-half teaspoonful of
mustard, a dash of paprika, one
half teaspoonful of sugar, one-half
teaspoonful of onion Juice, six ta
blespoonfuls of salad oil and two
tahlespoonfuls of vinegar. To the
dry ingredients add the salad oil,
mix well, then add the onion Juice
and vinegar with a small piece of
Ice. Beat until thick.
For variations of frenct dressing,
add a few tahlespoonfuls of finely
mashed roquefort cheese, beat well
and serve on head lettuce.
For added flavors, a bit of chill
sauce, Worcestershire sauce, horse
radish chopped pickles, olives, pep
pers, ,reen onion, pimiento, celery,
parsley, choves garlic, all may be
used In groups to add variety. To
vary the mayonnaise, add chopped
green and red pepper, catsup, chill
sauce, capers.
For a Russian dressing: To half
cupful of uncooked mayonnaise add
one half cupful of chill sauce, two
tahlespoonfuls of catsup, nnd one
fourth of a cupful of whipped
cream.
© by Western Newspaper Union.
Gold Coming Bark From Europe
PRESIDENT ROOSEVELTS monetary policy, Including devaluation of
the dollar and purchasing of gold, Is bring great quantities of the
precious yellow metal to the United States, every liner from Europe car
rying Its quota. In the photograph is seen the unloading of a crate hold
ing $5,084,000 In gold from the steamship Roosevelt
Germany Still Has an Army That Keeps in Form
THOUGH the German army Is
small, under treaty restrictions,
It Is kept efficient The troops
guarding the mountainous Bavari
an frontier have been holding their
winter maneuvers, and this photo
graph shows one of their mountain
batteries In action on the lofty
Zugspltre.
Boners
The hurgeolsle were tradesmen,
such as professors. They had
little chance of becoming anything
higher.
BONERS are actual humorous
tid-bits found in examination pa
pers, essays, etc., by teachers.
Celibacy Is a disease of the brain.
• * *
The Lord tempers the wind to
the shore and the land.
• • •
Hypocrisy means being what you
are not
• e e
Under the Mikado Is an officer
called the "Shotgun.”
« • •
Thomas Cranmer, archbishop of
Canterbury, was a college student
who translated the Old Testament
Into the New One.
• • •
Explain In your own words how
the French people solved the prob
lem of stopping the sand dunes from
destroying the farm crops.
The French passed a law prohib
iting all sand dunes.
• • *
Achilles was Invulnerable except
in hell.
©. Bell Syndicate.—WNU Service.
T"HROUGH a
WOMAN'S
EYES * NEWTON
“NO TTCK.EE, NO
WASHEE”
(< HERE'S no doubt Rbout It—
people will take advantage of
you If they can get away with It.”
That was the sum total of a
long series of complaints of a young
woman I know—complaints about
the people with whom she did busi
ness and about her friends. The
burden of each was the same. Peo
pie trying to make use of her—to
take advantage of her. Her once
flourishing business—of a kind in
volving a personal service—was
dwindling to nothing because of
so many non-paying impositions on
her time.
It so happened then that 1 met
one of my friends who had met this
young woman and had business con
tact with her.
“No wonder Miss X isn’t getting
along," was the comment of this
woman whose fairness and generos
ity are unquestionable. "It’s Im
possible to get nny results with her.
She seems to have some distrust or
suspicion, because she holds back
the information one needs before
deciding on an order. She prac
tically insisted thnt 1 orde first and
then lenrn what she planned to give
me! She seemed afraid I wanted
to steal her Ideas!“
Thnt made it all pretty plain.
Miss X had been soured by a few
experiences of giving her time
without direct return—and had de
termined upon a policy, as the Inun
dry man put it, of “No tlckee, no
washee.”
The trouble is that business can
not be run that way. Successful
business people count on a certain
percentage of waste effort, but they
“Lingerie Touch”
In this pretty spring frock the
smart “lingerie touch” takes the
form of a shouldet yoke em
broidered in tiny buttons.
meet each new contact ready to
give their best—and In the end It
pays. While there are doubtless
here and there people who cannot
be suited, or even those who have
no scruples about making use of
their facilities, the great majority
of us are honest in motive and con
siderate of others and make profit
able customers.
There are women like Miss X
who meet life with her attitude of
"No tickee, no washee.” In their
friendships and social contacts they
apply their philosophy of not giv
ing without return, of holding back
until they are sure they are not be
ing taken advantage of. The re
sult is Inevitably the same. They
can have no friendships.
1 should like to tell Miss X that
the whole world can rarely be
wrong. And when a woman gets
the feeling that It is, when all her
friends or all her contacts seem
to he guilty of the same fault, then
is the time to look unto herself and
see if that doesn’t help to locate
the source of trouble.
(g). Bell Syndicate—WNU Service.
The Swing in the
Apple Orchard
By ANNE CAMPBELL
THE swing in the apple orchard
Was loveliest In spring,
We swayed in the dewy morning
Where trees were blossoming.
Our aim was to reach the fragrance
Of highest bloom of all.
The birds in their brown nests
trembled,
We heard their mother call.
The swing in the apple orchard,
When summer shed its gold,
Was drenched with a leafy splen
dor
That was regal to behold.
We saw, ns the apples ripened,
The silver hand of Time.
His shadow across the orchard
Plucked apples in their prime.
The swing in the apple orchard
In autumn, brown and sere,
Was shunned by the busy children,
For the school bell sounded clear.
The swing was a teasing ribbon
Until the end of May,
And it hangs now In my remem
bra nee,
The ghost of a bygone day I
(Copyright.)—WNr Service.
Bats That Destroy Fruit
Bats are found in most countries,
and tropical lands have species that
live on fruit In Australia, these
hats, known as flying foxes, since
their faces resemble that of a fox,
do enormous damage in orchards.
They travel in large colonies utter
ing screaming cries, nibbling at
fruit while hovering before it often
taking a large piece away. When
this happens they behave like do
mestic fowls, for all the others fol
low the one with the prize.
WITTY KITTY
By NIX A WILCOX PCTXA M
The Girl-Friend says the only way
to break her husband of swearing
would be to sell their old car.
©, Bell Syndicate —WNT service.
Warming Up
Good Taste Today
By EMILY POST
Author of
"ETIQUETTE," “THE BLUE
BOOK OF SOCIAL USAGE," Etc.
DINNER GIVING
MY DEAR Mrs. Post: Would
you please sum up a list, In
cluding all Items, for my waitress
to remember when setting the din
ner table for a dinner party!
Answer: The Items of a properly
equipped dinner table Include:
1. A tablecloth, or place mats, or
whatever Is to be the foundation of
the setting.
2. A centerpiece, of fruit or flow
ers, or an ornament complete In It
self.
3. A place plate (often called a
service plate) marking the center of
each place set for each person at
table.
4. Flat sliver: whichever Imple
ments are necessary for the courses
to be served, but three forks, three
knives and soup spoons, and cither
fruit spoon or oyster fork maxi
mum amount
5. Never less than four candle
sticks or two candelabra. Two can
dles are absurdly out of proportion
to any table bigger than a cnrd ta
ble. (No candles in daylight.)
6. Two dishes of sweets on a re
fectory table, four dishes on a round
or square table.
7. Glasses for whatever you
serve. (Never put on glosses or
pieces of flat silver, which are not
to be used.)
8. Suit cellars and pepper pots
between every two places.
9. A napkin on each place plate.
At a family dinner, bread and but
ter plates are allowed. But never
at a halfway formal dinner party.
Conventional place cards are not
very suitable for dinners of less
than eight. On the other hand, If
you like fancy place cards or fa
vors, there Is certainly no reason
why you should not set your own
table with what you like—espe
cially nt Christmas or Thanksgiv
ing, or nt a birthday party, or a
wedding anniversary, or other Inti- 1
mate dinners. On more formal oc
casions, plain place cards are best.
Salted nuts are put either in
small Individual dishes above each
plate, or In a pair of dishes; one at
either side or end of the table. Cer
tain hostesses always Include them,
others rarely If ever do, just as
olives, radishes and celery are al
ways served at certain tables and
never at others.
CONCERNING THE YOUNG
_ *
r\EAR Mrs. Post: Should a
^ young girl of fifteen pay a party
call after dining with strangers, al
though the hostess' daughter is a
schoolmate of hers? 4nd should
she leave a visiting card? After
such an Invitation Is there anything
a girl of this age can possibly do
to return the invitation?
Answer: It would be polite to go
to see them, yes. Whether to leave
a card or not depends upon the cus
tom of your community. If all young
girls have cards, then yes. Other
wise, always best to do as others of
your neighborhood do. Return this
Invitation by Inviting your school
mate to your house or to the mov
ies or to whatever you can that you
think would amuse her.
• • •
My Dear Mrs. Post: I am going
to college this fall and would like
to know now what Is expected of a
boy when he Invites a girl from out
of town to any of the house-parties
or dances at school. What share
of her expenses Is expected from
him?
Answer: He should meet her at
the station and take her to wher
ever sne is to stay; send her a few
flowers, perhaps, to wear at the
dance; and he should make what
ever agreeable engagements for her
that he can. But he does not pay
her railroad or her hotel bill—nor
that of her chaperon.
Dear Mrs. Post: I am a divorcee.
How should m.v daughter Introduce
her father's wife to strangers? She
stays with them sometimes because
both have agreed that she should
not be deprived of either her moth
er or father.
Answer: As her ''stepmother."
• * *
My dear Mrs. Post: When two
boys and a girl (or perhaps two
girls and a boy is more usual) walk
or go to the movies together, or ride
in a car, should the odd person sit
between the other two, or is there
some other way in better taste?
Answer: When they walk, the
girls together, the boy on the curb
side of the pavement. In a car or
at the movies the boy sits next to .
the girl whose especial friend he
is. If he knows both equally well
then he sits wherever there is place
—next to one or the other, or he
can perfectly well sit between them.
On the street a man is not supposed
to he sandwiched, because he must
walk on the curb side of the street.
At present this rule Is being recog
nized as rather senseless.
© by Emily Pont.—WNU Service.
Effort* May Be Lost
"In our desire for the praise of
our fellow men," said HI Ho, the
sage of Chinatown, “valuable lives
are often wasted in striving for the
good opinion of many whose Judg
ment we believe in candor to be of 4
hut little worth."