Genre: television

Chapter 1

Malory was in her office, stirring her drink with a celery stick. Krieger entered, holding what looked like a steampunk torch.

"I've done it!" Krieger exclaimed.

Malory raised an eyebrow. "By 'done,' I assume you mean 'had sex with,' but by 'it,' I assume you mean something I don't want to know about."

Krieger shook his head. "No, no, no. Okay, yeah, but that's not what I've done today."

Malory's curiosity was piqued. "What is it, then?"

Krieger proudly announced, "I've invented Martian light."

Malory's expression was skeptical. "I didn't realize Mars was fattening."

Krieger corrected her, "No, no, no! Not Martian Lite, but Martian Light! Like Edgar Rice Burroughs."

Malory replied, "We get rice from paddies, not burrows."

Krieger paused, looking for Cheryl's usual interruption, but she remained silent. "No... no?"

Malory asked, "What is it you have, Krieger, and what does it do?"

Krieger explained, "In the stories Burroughs wrote about Barsoom, the ancient Martians invented a way that light came out of a source, illuminated everything in the room, without shadows, and then circled back into the source."

Malory was unimpressed. "Sounds like science fiction."

Krieger shook his torch. "Oh, it is. Or, it was!"

Malory dryly commented, "And you have invented something some hack writer invented a hundred years ago."

Krieger nodded. "Yes."

Malory asked, "And what good is that to a detective agency?"

Krieger flipped a switch on his torch. "Well, no one will be able to hide in the shadows when this puppy is on!" Malory's office had big windows, allowing in an amazing amount of California sunshine, but there was no noticeable effect.

Malory said, "I see."

Krieger exclaimed, "Yes, you do! You see everything!"

Malory raised an eyebrow. "Krieger, is this one of those flashlights that only work in daytime?"

Krieger admitted, "That idea was valid, just a small matter of-"

Lana interrupted, entering the room. "Malory, did Archer give you any-" She suddenly shrunk to 11 inches in height, her voice rising in pitch. "What the hell?"

Krieger reached down and lifted Lana to the top of Malory's desk. "Um... Did I do that?"

Malory sarcastically commented, "I would assume that only you could make her voice even more annoying."

Krieger apologized, "Sorry. But it wasn't supposed to do that."

Lana demanded, "What have you done to me?"

Malory replied, "It's always about you, isn't it? Maybe this wasn't done to you. Maybe Krieger made all of the rest of us giants."

Krieger considered the possibility. "Really?"

Malory dismissed the idea. "No, not really, you idiot."

Lana pleaded, "Krieger, you gotta fix this!"

Krieger tried to turn off the Martian light, flipping the switch several times, but nothing changed.

Malory asked, "What are you doing?"

Krieger explained, "Well, if it was the Martian light that did this to her, then it should have done it again."

Lana shouted, "STOP DOING THAT!"

Malory calmly said, "Now, dear, don't be so upset. You've been wanting to lose weight, haven't you?"

Lana denied it. "What? No!"

Malory asked Krieger, "Now, what could possibly be an explanation for why this affected Lana and not either of us?"

Krieger hypothesized, "Oh! It could be that when the CIA recruited us for that mission inside the miniaturization-inventing scientist, the people who were selected for the mission, by which I mean everyone but you and me, suffered some lingering effects that went completely unnoticed until they were exposed to the particular radiation of the Martian Light. That sparks the recurrence of the shrinking effect, if only to 1/6th scale rather than microscopic."

Malory found the explanation plausible. "That sounds plausible."

The scene cut to Cheryl's desk, where Pam sat in a guest chair next to her.

Cheryl commented, "That sounds like a really chicken-shit way to advance the plot."

Pam replied, "Time constraints. This isn't a two-parter."

The scene cut back to Malory's desk, where Lana was holding her forehead with both hands.

Lana begged, "Krieger, you have to fix this. I can't pick up AJ from daycare if she can pick me up!"

Krieger nodded and walked out, carrying his Martian light.

Pam wistfully said, "I always wanted Barbie's wardrobe."

Malory reached out to stroke Lana's back, but Lana flinched away. "You know, it's been a long time, but I do recall that I enjoyed playing with dolls."

Cheryl chimed in, "Ooooh! Did you put those little Ziploc baggies over their heads until they begged for the sweet release of death?"

Malory denied it. "Um... No."

Pam said, "No, I don't think anyone else did, either."

Lana shared, "My Barbie was a Charlie's Angel. A dual PhD in hand-to-hand combat and jewelry."

Pam revealed, "I only ever played with Princess Barbie."

Cheryl teased, "You're no princess. Even of dairy."

Pam replied, "Oh, I never imagined that I was the Princess."

Malory sarcastically asked, "You were Prince Charming?"

Pam said, "No. I was the dragon."

Malory reached out to stroke Pam's shoulder. "Well, then, I wonder how you'd taste covered in barbecue sauce."

Cheryl warned, "Oh, you can't do that. I mean, sure, you tell yourself you're just going to lick it off, then you start sucking on it, next thing you know you're picking someone's skin out of your teeth."

Lana reminded Cheryl, "Remember that time I asked you to babysit AJ?"

Cheryl claimed, "No."

Lana said, "There's a reason."

Pam defended Cheryl, "Oh, she's great with kids."

Malory joked, "I imagine she's great with duck sauce, too."

Cheryl exclaimed, "Yes! Cover me with condiment! Bury me in barbecue sauce. Drown me in duck sauce. Slather me with... Something!"

Pam suggested, "Slathered with Satay!"

Lana corrected, "Satay isn't a sauce, it's a dish. A style."

Pam clarified, "It comes with a sauce."

Lana explained, "But the sauce isn't 'satay.' It's usually a peanut sauce."

Cheryl fantasized, "And served... Skewered."

Pam found the fantasy disturbing. "Okay, that's an unhealthy fantasy, even for you."

Cheryl continued, "Long bamboo skewers, piercing flesh..."

Lana shut her down. "Shut it, Cheryl."

Malory considered the situation. "If this turns out to be permanent, I imagine that-"

Lana panicked. "PERMANENT!?!"

Pam asked, "What, seriously?"

Cheryl mused, "Or if not permanent... Maybe just for the rest of our lives."

Lana cuddled herself. "Malory, do you have a soundproofed shoe box we could put her in?"

Cheryl hoped, "Sound tight and air tight?"

Pam joked, "Too bad that office minifridge hasn't arrived yet."

Cheryl revealed, "Oh! Yes, that would be PERFECT! Too bad it... It... Um. Never got delivered."

Malory asked, "Where is it?"

Cheryl claimed, "Who knows where delivery men put things when they're distracted?"

Lana asked, "How were they distracted?"

Cheryl hinted, "Maybe by the chance of impersonal sex on the loading dock."

Pam asked, "So the minifridge is on the loading dock?"

Cheryl admitted, "Well, I wasn't going to carry it up here. All those stairs?"

Lana pointed out, "Carry? Why not use the elevator?"

Cheryl explained, "Because no one wants to have sex in the elevator."

Pam teased, "Depends on what button you push."

Cheryl asked, "There's a sex button on the elevator?" The room fell silent for four seconds before Malory, Lana, and Pam replied in unison, "Yes."

Krieger returned with an iPad. "I figured it out!"

Lana asked, "The cure?"

Malory was skeptical. "Lana, does anything about today strike you as your lucky day?"

Lana feared the worst. "Crap."

Krieger explained, "No, see, if Dr. Kovac's shrinking ray affected matter on exposure, then people would shrink on the side of the ray, first, then the rest of the body would shrink only after that matter was 'out of the way,' as it were."

Cheryl found the explanation obvious. "Well, duh."

Krieger continued, "So the shrinking effect must penetrate to the center of the target's mass, then change somehow and come back out. So in effect, the body of the shrink ray's target radiates the actual shrink ray. So THEY shrank-"

Malory warned Krieger, "Krieger, if all you've done is jimmy up a technobabble justification for their shrinking clothes, so help me God, I will overnight your testicles to a Canadian wolverine breeder."

Cheryl defended Krieger, "Wait, let him FINISH!"

Krieger concluded, "Well, um, no. I finished. Yep, that was pretty much it. I just, um..."

Lana summarized, "Need to figure out how to turn us into our own unshrinking radiators."

Krieger nodded and ran off.

Pam asked, "Do they really breed wolverines in Canada?"

Cheryl replied, "Duh! Where else would they do it, Monaco?"