| Genre: books | |
| Chapter 1: Rules for Attending Professora Lestafaedil's Lilliputian Literature Lessons in Lecture | |
| The Professora has been teaching in a human university for several years. Each year, she has had a list of rules and expectations printed as handouts for students. The handout grows with each year and lessons she has learned from trying to teach biggies about the writing of her homeland. This year, she has acquired tenure. The tone of the handout has changed dramatically. | |
| 1. Be prepared for the lecture. Lists of upcoming topics are available in the classroom and online. Read ahead. | |
| 2. With the Lilliputian attention span being what it is, our novels read like comic books to you. There is no reason not to be fully prepared. | |
| 3. Bring note-taking materials with you. | |
| 4. Do not whisper in class, as your quietest voice actually competes with my lecture. | |
| 5. Refrain from tossing paper airplanes at the podium, especially if they weigh more than the Professora. | |
| 6. While most human foundation garments resemble emergency igloos rather than underclothes to me, do not refer to me as a member of the "ittie bittie tittie committee". | |
| 7. Do not address me as "little one", and I will not refer to you as "failing one". | |
| 8. No matter how well you did on the exam, there will be no victory dances within twenty feet of the podium. | |
| 9. Do not use Candy Land playing pieces as stand-ins for missing students. I am able to tell the difference. | |
| 10. Do not drink carbonated beverages for up to 20 minutes prior to a private meeting with me. If I wanted to know the conditions inside your digestive tract, I would rent diving equipment. | |
| 11. I will not participate in a puppet or marionette show for a fundraiser. Do not ask. Really. | |
| 12. The person who staged a Barbie with her hand out, holding a sign saying "you must be this tall to teach literature", had better be sure they are never identified. | |
| 13. Do not search the podium for hidden tunnels. | |
| 14. Do not ask to date after the class, semester, or your graduation. You are not my type. | |
| 15. Neither is your GI Joe. | |
| 16. Athletic scholarship students cannot flex their pecs to impress me out of a failing grade. Imagine a side of beef in a bikini undulating sensuously over your head... | |
| 17. Similarly, students showing enough cleavage for me to inhabit are not going to raise my opinion of them. | |
| 18. Good hygiene is mandatory in my class. Just imagine sniffing Lady Liberty's armpit and shower accordingly. | |
| 19. I have an open door policy. It is located in the department staff room, in the back, beneath the stairs, under the water fountain, cut into the wainscoting, looking like a cartoon mouse door. | |
| 20. Hard copy papers will be submitted in folders or paper-clipped together. Points will be taken off for papers marred by the acetylene torch I use as a staple remover. | |
| 21. Lilliputians are small, but that doesn't mean we have a "shallow gene pool". | |
| 22. The "Chipmunk Song" is to be used in moderation. | |
| 23. Ditto the "Hamster Dance". If you think my voice is annoyingly high, remember that I have access to helium and I'm willing to use it. | |
| 24. The microphone and speakers in the lecture hall are among the most advanced sound systems on the planet. Bringing in baby monitors is an insult to the sound engineers and the height-challenged, and to your grade point average, smartass. | |
| 25. There is no new short joke under the sun. Trust me. | |
| 26. Do not use the term "elf" to refer to Lilliputians. We don't work for Santa, and our ears aren't pointed. It is a bit of a racist term. | |
| 27. And before you ask, "biggie" isn't a racist term for humans. It's descriptive; you guys are freaking huge. We do have racist terms for you, but they won't be part of my instruction. | |
| 28. Do not tick me off to learn Lilliputian swear words. | |
| 29. It won't work; ladies do not swear. | |
| 30. Besides, I swear in Fuscan, and you'll never catch the words. | |
| 31. There will be no food in my lecture hall. I know the university policy allows it, but I do not. | |
| 32. For one thing, people are always offering me scraps, as if I just live for food wiped off your lips or crumbs shaken from your sweater. | |
| 33. For another, when you chew, you look like a washing machine processing a restaurant dumpster. | |
| 34. I have never had to dial 911 for a child-proofed cap. This rumor appears every semester and is completely wrong. | |
| 35. Campus Security was more than adequate to the task. | |
| 36. I don't care what your explanation is; if I hear "pull my finger" in the lecture hall, you will be summarily dismissed from the class. | |
| 37. It's not a matter of vulgarity. Consider my size with respect to a mine canary. | |
| 38. Be advised that leaving copies of "The Incredible Shrinking Woman" on my podium qualifies as dispersal of Hate Literature. | |
| 39. Well, I haven't convinced Campus Security of that yet, but I am working on it. It will make me very cross, though. | |
| 40. The following is a list of things that absolutely cannot be brought into or discussed during class hours. This list should not be considered complete. | |
| The list includes: | |
| 1. Shrunken Heads | |
| 2. Shrinking Violets | |
| 3. Tiny Toons | |
| 4. My Little Pony | |
| 5. Bonsai trees (with or without matching gardening tools) | |
| 6. Small Claims Court | |
| 7. "It's a Small World" | |
| 8. Anything from Brobdingnag | |
| 9. Microscopes | |
| 10. Magnifying glass | |
| 11. Anything "travel-sized" | |
| 12. My ex-husband (unless delivered in a bird cage, thank you) | |
| 13. And that would be the only acceptable reason to bring such a cage into the classroom. |