| Genre: books | |
| Chapter 1 | |
| I do not own The Bible, but it is a few centuries older than copyright law, making a disclaimer somewhat difficult. The author is not making any kind of profit from this fanfic. Some of the verses in Leviticus, which lay down the dietary laws for the Chosen of God, have some odd aspects and apparent contradictions. Then again, no contradiction is so clear that no apologist can someday, somehow, come up with a rationalization for the whole thing. Sort of. More proof supporting my belief that religion is like UFOs, ESP, White Supremacy, and the holes in Star Trek plots - you are more likely to believe the explanations if you already agree with the conclusions. | |
| The Lord's voice comes from the tabernacle, and Moses and Aaron write frantically as the instructions continue: | |
| "Lord: These are the beasts of the earth that are for you to eat: first, any beast that has a cloven hoof and chews its cud. | |
| Moses: So, cows, deer, antelope, chamois, caribou, buffalo... | |
| Aaron (helpfully): Reindeer, bison, camels - | |
| Lord: NO! Not camels. They do not have split hooves." | |
| Moses and Aaron glanced at each other, then bent their heads and wrote this. | |
| "Lord: Now what? | |
| Aaron: Well, my Lord, um, camels have a distinct split in their feet... | |
| Lord: Those are toes, not hooves. Two toes aren't the same as a cloven hoof." | |
| Moses, interrupting a comment by Aaron, said, "Important distinction, Lord, shall we go on?" | |
| "Lord: Yea, verily. Okay, don't eat rabbits because they eat shit. | |
| Moses: Um, Lord? Do you really want to put that in the scroll? | |
| Lord: Wait until you read 2 Kings 18:27. | |
| Moses: What? | |
| Lord: Um, never mind. Anyway, we don't want people to eat rabbits, they're unclean." | |
| Moses said, "Well, that will make sure, but do we really want 'poo' in the dietary laws? It's off-putting." | |
| "Lord: Sigh... okay, how's this? They don't have cloven feet, but they do chew cud, so they're unclean." | |
| Moses and Aaron made eye contact again. | |
| "Lord: What? It isn't really a lie... really. Look, cud is grass that wasn't digested the first time through. Cows bring it back up from the stomach, chew it more finely, and pass it through again. Rabbits don't have as many stomachs. I thought about it, but they're really small. So, they pass the cuds through first, then eat the turds that have lots of grass, and pass it through again. So, when they eat the turd, it's bringing the cud back up, just like the cow does, but more gross." | |
| Moses said, "Um, okay. Whatever you say, Lord." | |
| "Lord: Okay, now, pigs are unclean because they do have cloven feet, and don't chew cud. Hands off. Now, of fish, you can have anything with fins and scales, fresh or salt water. Anything else, leave them alone. | |
| Moses: Sir? Are oysters alive? | |
| Lord: What? | |
| Moses: Well, I've never been sure. Anyway, if they are, are they unclean? | |
| Lord: Yes. They're alive. They're unclean." | |
| Moses said, "Ah, darn, there used to be these boats that'd pull up at the piers each morning, with vases of oysters, and the guards would shuck a few for me... so they're alive, huh?" | |
| "Lord: Yes. They're alive... They're unclean." | |
| Moses said, "Oh, yeah. Of course, never again. Um, why are they unclean, sir?" | |
| "Lord: Um, well, you live in a desert climate, and they go bad fast. You're far from the sea, in modern travel terms." | |
| Aaron said, "But if sea-fish are okay to eat, why -" | |
| "Lord: Look, they're off, okay?" | |
| Moses said, "Yes, Lord. Off. Got it. Um... " | |
| "Lord: What?" | |
| Moses said, "Um, it's oysters, Lord, are their pearls okay?" | |
| "Lord: Pearls?" | |
| Moses said, "Yes, sir, back in Pharaoh's court, some of the courtiers used to dissolve pearls in vinegar and drink them." | |
| Aaron said, "Ugh." | |
| "Lord: They are an abomination to you, don't touch them, their carcass, their shells, their pearls..." | |
| Aaron, interrupting a comment by Moses, said, "Important distinction, Lord, shall we go on?" | |
| "Lord: Yes, okay, birds, don't eat the raptors: eagle, ossifrage, ospray; scavengers: vulture, kite and after his kind -" | |
| Aaron said, "His 'kind' my Lord?" | |
| "Lord: Yes, kind, it's a common enough word. It's a genetics term, I discussed it with Noah." | |
| Moses said, "So, what would the kite's 'kind' be?" | |
| "Lord: Well, any carrion eating bird, like the caracara or the buzzard." | |
| Aaron said, "So, we don't eat birds that eat unclean animals?" | |
| Moses said, "Shut up, Aaron." | |
| "Lord: The raven, and kind; owl, night hawk, cuckow, hawks and their kind..." | |
| Aaron said to Moses, "Wouldn't the night hawk be a 'kind' of hawk?" | |
| Moses said to Aaron, "Shut up, or you'll have transcriber's errors." | |
| "Lord:...little owl, cormorants, great owl, swan, pelican, gier eagle, stork, heron, lapwing, bats..." | |
| Moses said, "Bats, my Lord?" | |
| "Lord: Yeah, bats." | |
| Moses said, "Oh, so we're through with birds?" | |
| "Lord: No." | |
| Moses said, "Well, I know, now, that my tutors in the palace were heathens, but they brought me a bat, once, and it doesn't have hollow bones, or feathers, or lay eggs, and it has teeth instead of a bill... well, sir, the only thing it has in common with birds is that they fly." | |
| "Lord: One other thing... they're unclean." | |
| Moses said, "Oh, yes sir." | |
| "Lord: And all birds that have four legs, they're unclean." | |
| Moses and Aaron glanced at each other but quickly looked back to their scrolls. | |
| "Lord: Now, you can eat of some of the four-legged creepy insects: the locust and his kind, bald locust and his kind, beetles, grasshoppers. But any other flying insect that creeps about on four legs, them you cannot eat. Don't even touch them. Now for the other beasts, don't eat anything that walks on paws: weasel, mouse, tortoise and his kind, ferret,... " | |
| Aaron said to Moses, "Isn't the ferret a 'kind' of weasel?" | |
| The list continued, "... chameleon, lizard, snail and mole. Or anything that goes on its belly. Or has more feet than most things. For I am the LORD your God: ye shall therefore sanctify yourselves, and ye shall be holy; for I am holy: neither shall ye defile yourselves with any manner of creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth. For I am the LORD that bringeth you up out of the land of Egypt, to be your God: ye shall therefore be holy, for I am holy. This is the law of the beasts, and of the fowl, and of every living creature that moveth in the waters, and of every creature that creepeth upon the earth." | |
| After the tabernacle was silent for a while, Aaron and Moses finished their scrolls and gathered up their writing kits. | |
| Aaron said, "Is He always like that?" | |
| Moses said, glancing at the quiet tabernacle, "Well, let me tell you the story of the 500 commandments...." | |
| Aaron said, "500? There's only 10." | |
| Moses said, "Well, I thought about all those poor boys in Hebrew school, trying to memorize 500 commandments, and talked him down. We had to generalize a lot..." |