| Genre: cartoons | |
| Chapter 1 | |
| More Disclaimer: This exploration of the world of the Smurfs is only for entertainment. This work is my own. Do not repost this story beyond the limits of the Fair Use standards of Copyright Law (quotes, examples, ‘you gotta read this’ excerpts, the usual). | |
| Several smurfs run across a field of grass, moaning and crying. The smurf crowd exclaims, "Help! Help! Helpity!" The view changes to a high window looking down on the crowd of Smurfs running towards the camera. Evil Twin Smurf's voice is heard, "Oh, what is it now?" | |
| The scene shifts to the base of a tree, where the tree bark is black, and a small doorway is carved into the base. The Smurf crowd runs up to the door, and several start knocking on the doorway. The Smurfs cry out, "Evil Twin Smurf! Evil Twin Smurf! Help! Help!" | |
| A smurf steps through the doorway, wearing red smurf pants, a red smurf hat, and a rather obviously fake white smurfy beard. Evil Twin Smurf exclaims, "QUIET!" He points to the closest Smurf and asks, "Are you Papa Smurf?" | |
| Paranoid Smurf responds, "What? No, I'm Paranoid Smurf. Why would you think that I was Papa Smurf?" Evil Twin Smurf replies, "I don't. But that means I'm not your evil twin, am I?" Paranoid Smurf answers, "Um, no, I guess not." | |
| Evil Twin Smurf asks, "Well, what is it? What do you want? Why are you all bothering me?" Panic Smurf explains, "It's PAPA SMURF! He's been CAUGHT by GARGAMEL! All is LOST!" Pedantic Smurf adds, "Papa Smurf was captured by a trap set by the evil alchemist, along with Smurfette, Handy Smurf, Brainy Smurf, Hefty Smurf, Tough Smurf, and Jokey Smurf." | |
| The Smurfs fall silent, looking at each other. Evil Twin Smurf asks, "And...?" Panic Smurf pleads, "You have to HELP us! Help THEM! HELP!" Pedantic Smurf continues, "Without Papa Smurf's magic, or Brainy Smurf's inventions, or, frankly, the bulk of the brains and the brawn of the Smurf Village, we don't stand a smurfberry's chance of rescuing them." | |
| Evil Twin Smurf stares over their heads, lost in thought. Paranoid Smurf turns to stare in that direction. Evil Twin Smurf says, "Hm? Oh, sorry, I was trying to decide what to have for dinner. Well, thanks for stopping by, but next time, you only really need one messenger, unless you're all going to deliver it in three-smurf harmony. Smurfy day." | |
| Before he can retreat into the tree, the Smurfs crowd him, falling at his feet and grabbing his pants, moaning for help, assistance, succor, and general aid. Evil Twin Smurf exclaims, "Back! BACK!" The Smurfs retreat, and he brushes at his trousers. He asks, "So. You say that Papa Smurf is in terrible danger? Probably doomed? Unlikely to return?" | |
| The Smurfs nod their heads somberly. Evil Twin Smurf removes his puffy fake white smurf beard, revealing a trim black pointy one, which he strokes a few times. He says, "Alright, now, look here. If you want my help, there have to be a few changes." | |
| Paranoid Smurf asks, "Why? What's in it for you?" Pedantic Smurf interrupts, "Quiet, Paranoid Smurf. What do you want, Evil Twin Smurf?" Evil Twin Smurf replies, "Well, for one thing, I don't want to be called Evil Twin Smurf anymore." | |
| Panic Smurf protests, "But...you have to be. You ARE the evil twin. Everyone's named for what they ARE. For what they DO. It's more smurfy that way." Pedantic Smurf explains, "It is the bedrock certainty of Smurf ideology. Every one of us knows who he is and what Papa Smurf expects him to do." | |
| Evil Twin Smurf says, "Thank you, Tevye. But I don't want to do anything. If I free Papa Smurf and the others, I want a new rule. For Smurfs living on this side of the smurfberry grove, we're named by where we live." He looks up at the burnt tree, noticing every branch is bare, and the entire surface is blackened. | |
| Evil Twin Smurf exclaims, "Smelly Smurf!" Smelly Smurf steps out of the tree, wearing an apron, with the apron and an apple slice over his shoulder equally grungy. Smelly Smurf asks, "Yes, sir?" Evil Twin Smurf inquires, "Smelly Smurf, what sort of tree is this?" | |
| Smelly Smurf responds, "It's an alder, Mr. ET." Evil Twin Smurf declares, "That's it, gentlemen. I shall be known henceforth as BlackAlder Smurf." Pedantic Smurf points out, "Smurfy. But...won't Smelly Smurf be known for his residence, too? Wouldn't that make you both BlackAlder Smurf?" | |
| BlackAlder Smurf explains, "Not at all. Smelly lives in that belt over there." Beside the tree, a large black belt is curled around a single cot and a small chair. Smelly Smurf says, "So I shall henceforth be known as Belt Smurf." Panic Smurf asks, "Does this mean that you'll HELP us? Help THEM? HELP?" | |
| BlackAlder Smurf responds, "Yes. If you'll shut up." | |
| Some time later, BlackAlder Smurf steps from his tree and shuts the door. He and Belt Smurf each have a small pack on their shoulders, and they start walking through the forest. No other Smurfs are around. Belt Smurf mentions, "Actually, Mr. B, I think that my house is not a belt." | |
| BlackAlder Smurf teases, "Sash Smurf? Girdle Smurf? You haven't the muscles to be Strapping Smurf." Belt Smurf recalls, "I think I heard a human call it a baldric, once." BlackAlder Smurf says, "But Belt Smurf is better, Belt. Because now I can call you by name with a clenched fist." | |
| BlackAlder pretends to punch Belt, who exclaims, "OW! Oh! That's quite clever!" The two figures start to fade into the distance as they walk through the trees. BlackAlder Smurf asks, "Want to see it again?" Belt Smurf declines, "Not really." | |
| BlackAlder Smurf offers, "How about in slow motion?" Belt Smurf responds, "That doesn't sound too smurfy." BlackAlder Smurf suggests, "What if I threw in some sound effects?" Belt Smurf asks, "Like what?" BlackAlder Smurf replies, "Like coconuts." A distinct clonk sounds as they disappear from sight. | |
| BlackAlder and Belt crouch under a bush, looking over at Gargamel's hovel. Belt says, "Mr. B! I have a plan." BlackAlder asks, "Is it a smurfy plan?" Belt responds, "It is indeed." BlackAlder inquires, "Is it as smurfy as a smurfberry pie, with whipped smurfdrop topping?" | |
| Belt replies, "TWICE as smurfy." BlackAlder asks, "Is it as smurfy as a pile of smurfsticks woven into a smurf sculpture?" Belt says, "Very nearly, sir." BlackAlder requests, "Very well, Belt, what is this plan." | |
| Belt explains, "You buy the Smurfs from Gargamel, sir. You disguise yourself as a wizard, a traveling wizard." BlackAlder repeats, "A traveling wizard? Need I remind you that I stand only three apples tall." Belt suggests, "You tell him that you're from faaaaaaar away." | |
| BlackAlder asks, "Then what?" Belt instructs, "You walk up to Gargamel's front door, knock on it, and say you wish to buy any Smurfs he may have." BlackAlder says, "Buy them." Belt confirms, "Yes, sir. Buy them." | |
| BlackAlder inquires, "With what?" Belt fishes around in his pack and pulls out a single, tarnished penny. BlackAlder points out, "This man has enough Smurfs to cast a spell that makes gold, and he's going to give them up to me, because I have a penny." | |
| Belt proposes, "You tell him it's a magic penny." BlackAlder questions, "Tell an evil alchemist that a magic penny is worth more than pure, shiny, incredibly smurfy gold." Belt goes on, "Well, sir, if you think you're not smurfy enough to carry it off." | |
| BlackAlder says, "Now, I didn't say that...." Belt taunts, "No, no, sir, it's alright. There's no way you can outsmart the evil wizard Gargamel, with only a tarnished penny. We'll go home, you'll be the smartest Smurf...left...in Smurf Village. And Papa Smurf will never have the chance to criticize your failure. Minced smurfberry for dinner tonight?" | |
| BlackAlder orders, "Shut up and go get me some minions." | |
| Gargamel takes a kettle from the fire, turns, and starts to pour into two tea cups as he speaks. "I must admit, I've never met a sorcerer from Lichtenstein before. Especially one six apples tall." The view shows BlackAlder standing in a chair, wearing a long coat, obviously standing on Belt's shoulders. | |
| BlackAlder says, "My people don't travel much." | |
| In Gargamel's bedroom, Azrael sits on the floor, staring up at a small cage hanging from the rafters. Inside the cage are about ten Smurfs. Brainy Smurf has stuck his glass lenses onto Handy Smurf's pencil and fashioned his glasses into a periscope. He reaches out to the side of the cage to look out the door. | |
| Handy Smurf asks, "Smurfy idea, Brainy. What do you see?" Brainy responds, "Gargamel has a visitor." Smurfette inquires, "A visitor? Who would visit smelly old Gargamel?" Papa Smurf asks, "We know he has a visitor, Brainy. What does he look like?" | |
| Brainy describes, "Well, he's tall. Kind of Lichtensteinian features." Handy Smurf comments, "You wouldn't know Lichten- " Papa Smurf interrupts, "Hush! What are they talking about?" Brainy replies, "Matching Alchemy." | |
| The scene cuts to the other room, showing Gargamel's head at an angle to display the makeshift periscope in the background. Gargamel asks, "Magic penny, huh? What ever does it do." BlackAlder explains, "Well, that's the odd part. I'm not quite sure. Look." He taps the coin down on the arm of the chair he's standing on. | |
| Below the chair, Paranoid Smurf is holding tight to the straw that makes up the top. At the sound of the tap, he drops to the ground and exclaims, "Huh? What? Where am I? How did I get here?" Gargamel notices, "A Smurf?" Paranoid Smurf screams, "Eeek! GARGAMEL! Smurf me! I have to get back to Smurf Village!" | |
| He runs out of the door, screaming into the distance. Gargamel sits stunned until he's gone. Gargamel says, "Did you just summon a Smurf?" BlackAlder responds, "Is that what they are? I can never catch one for long enough to tell what they are." He taps the coin again. | |
| Behind Gargamel's chair, Pedantic Smurf leaps up into the air and slams both of his feet onto the ground. Gargamel spins around at the sound. Pedantic Smurf comments, "It appears that I have been magically transported across the forest. Again. Darn. This is terribly unsmurfy." He runs before the alchemist can get over the shock. | |
| Gargamel remarks, "That's...quite a coin you have there, Mr. Traveling Wizard." BlackAlder downplays, "Is it? I don't know. I'm never able to predict where they'll show up. And I'm too slow to catch them. It seems a terrible waste, really." Gargamel offers, "Oh, really? Well, I could take it off your hands, if you don't want it..." | |
| BlackAlder declines, "Oh, no. It's been in the family for years. I couldn't part with it just to be rid of it." Just then, Belt sneezes, and the flap of one pocket of BlackAlder's long coat explodes outward. The human stares. BlackAlder fans the area of the blast with his hands and says, "Sorry. Travel rations, you know how it is on the road." | |
| Gargamel understands, "Oh, yes, of course. So, um... Would you consider trading for the coin?" BlackAlder ponders, "Trading? I'm not sure." He flips the coin, which clatters to the chair. At the sound, Panic Smurf swings down from the roof on a string, spreading across the window like a bug on a windshield. | |
| Gargamel spins around at the sound of the SPLAT! Panic Smurf fades into the distance, screaming. Gargamel turns back to his guest, salivating at the thought of gaining the coin. He says, "I could make you an offer..." | |
| BlackAlder asks, "Do you know what I want? I have been popping these things, these Smurfs you call them? I've brought them into existence for years and never had a chance to study them. If I had a dozen of them to keep for myself, I'd give up the coin and the hundreds of Smurfs it's made or summoned." | |
| Gargamel repeats, "Hundreds?" BlackAlder confirms, "Or more." | |
| The scene changes to the clearing in front of Gargamel's hovel. The captured Smurfs are in a cage that has wheels attached. BlackAlder has a rope and is prepared to tow the wagon off down the road. He says, "Well, I'm ready to tow this wagon off down the road." Gargamel bids farewell, "I'm sure you'll be very happy with your new Smurfs, Mr. TW." | |
| BlackAlder tosses the coin to Gargamel, who rushes into the hovel. Gargamel exclaims, "Quickly, Azrael! We have to make the house completely Smurf-tight." The unhappy Smurfs gaze upon their new captor, eyes going wide as he doffs the coat and jumps down from Belt's shoulder. | |
| BlackAlder rushes to the cage door and asks, "Alright, then. Who wants out of the cage?" Everyone responds, "We do!" BlackAlder asks, "And what's it worth to you?" The Smurfs stop and turn to Papa Smurf, who glares at his former evil twin. | |
| A screen caption reads: The next day. Gargamel sits at his table, tapping the coin to the surface, then gazing around the room, waiting for the Smurf to appear. He taps again. | |
| A screen caption reads: Two days later. Back at the black alder, a party of Smurfs carry a huge smurfberry pie to the front door. BlackAlder Smurf appears, dressed in vintage swimming clothes. Belt follows him with a towel draped over his arm. BlackAlder exclaims, "Ah, yes. It's Thursday, it must be Smurfberry Aerobics." | |
| With a holler, he dives into the pie and starts splashing around. Belt waits at the side with the towel. The pie party departs. Handy Smurf says, "See you tomorrow, Belt." Belt replies, "Friday! Dodge Smurfberry. Til then!" | |
| A screen caption reads: A week later. Gargamel taps the coin against a pile of sawdust where his table used to be. Finally, he stops, shrugs, and glares at the coin, saying, "I hate those Smurfs." |