i can t remember a time when i wasn t struggling i ve wanted to die for a long a i can remember and i m worried i m no longer afraid of death i just don t understand myself i can get up every day and do everything i need to put my retainer in and wash my face before i sleep get great grade but no one know how much my body ache and how hard i have to push myself to do all those thing i joke around my friend and plaster this fake as smile on my face around everybody but i contemplate my death every night every single night and i can never sleep before am anymore yet i wake up bright and early a if i didn t almost kill myself the night before there wa a point in my life where i didn t get out of bed for month didn t brush my teeth for week failed every class never spoke to anyone and got sickly skinny from loss of appetite it wa so awful and i never want to return to that state again that i let myself fall apart now trying to keep my composure and no one know there s not a single soul in my life who s aware though i try to talk about it without dragging everyone down with me i ve also caught myself dissociating a lot more these day can t remember shit can t feel excitement at all or any other emotion other than despair and exhaustion and the terrible brain fog i just don t know what to do anymore don t know how much longer i can keep my act up i m repulsed by the idea that i d have to do this forever don t want to talk to anyone about it either in fear that i d just be a burden friend and family call me over dramatic and don t even take it seriously because they re never there to see how bad it is and idk how to show them don t even know what the point of me posting this is i doubt anyone would even see this or waste precious time reading through this long as post
i can t remember a time when i wasn t struggling i ve wanted to die for a long a i can remember and i m worriedi m no longer afraid of death i just don t understand myself i can get up every day and do everything i need to put my retainer in and wash my face before i sleep get great gradebut no one know how much my body ache and how hard i have to push myself to do all those thing i joke around my friend and plaster this fake as smile on my face around everybodybut i contemplate my death every night every single nightand i can never sleep before am anymoreyet i wake up bright and early a if i didn t almost kill myself the night before there wa a point in my life where i didn t get out of bed for month didn t brush my teeth for week failed every class never spoke to anyone and got sickly skinny from loss of appetiteit wa so awful and i never want to return to that state again that i let myself fall apart now trying to keep my composure and no one know there s not a single soul in my life who s aware though i try to talk about it without dragging everyone down with me i ve also caught myself dissociating a lot more these day can t remember shit can t feel excitement at all or any other emotion other than despair and exhaustion andthe terrible brain fog i just dont know what to do anymoredon t know how much longer i can keep my act up i m repulsed by the idea that i d have to do this forever don t want to talk to anyone about it either in fear that i d just be a burden friend and family call me over dramatic and don t even take it seriously because they re never there to see how bad it is and idk how to show them don t even know what the point of me posting this is i doubt anyone would even see this or waste precious time reading through this long as post
No puedo recordar un momento en el que no estaba luchando he querido morir por mucho tiempo puedo recordar y me preocupa ya no tengo miedo de la muerte sólo no me entiendo a mí mismo puedo levantarme todos los días y hacer todo lo que necesito para poner mi retenedor en y lavar mi cara antes de dormir conseguir gran grado pero nadie sabe cuánto mi dolor de cuerpo y lo difícil que tengo que empujar a mí mismo a hacer todo lo que bromeo alrededor de mi amigo y escayola esta falsa como sonrisa en mi cara alrededor de todo el mundo pero contemplo mi muerte cada noche y nunca puedo dormir antes ya me despierto brillante y temprano un si no casi me mataba la noche antes de que hubiera un punto en mi vida en el que no saliera de la cama durante el mes no me cepillaba los dientes durante la semana fallaba cada clase nunca hablaba a nadie y me ponía flaca enfermiza por pérdida de apetito wa tan horrible