I recently found out my partner had been unfaithful to me and I don't think the relationship will survive.
hi! how's your day going?
assistant
Others
Hi there, I really need someone to talk to. My partner has been cheating on me and I feel totally worthless.
user
null
oh my goodness. I'm so sorry to hear that. when did you find out?
assistant
Question
Only very recently. I answered his phone and it was her! When I confronted him he admitted it.
user
null
that's a hard way to find out. are you still in the same house?
assistant
Question
Yes because for financial reasons we have to be. Our relationship is really strained though and we are sleeping in separate bedrooms.
user
null
i can't imagine what you are going through, but separate spaces sounds like a very good idea to me.
assistant
Reflection of feelings
It is made worse by the fact that we are in lockdown and so can't really see other people at the moment. Do you think I should try and break away for good?
user
null
before you take any action, i'd ask myself what are your options? you know that his actions have very little to do with you and more to do with him, right?
assistant
Affirmation and Reassurance,Affirmation and Reassurance
Well, I could move out but I can't afford to rent a flat on my own. I'd have to move in with my parents, realistically. I keep telling myself that but I feel really betrayed. I keep wondering what she is like and whether she is prettier and more successful than me.
user
null,null
are your parents supportive of that idea?
assistant
Question
I have not really talked to them about it. I feel a bit ashamed having to admit to them that my relationship has not worked out.
user
null
it's not about her or you. it's about him.
assistant
Affirmation and Reassurance
But I can't help thinking that perhaps I did something wrong that made him stray?
user
null
they will understand. opening up to them will be the hardest part. it's a shame cocktail, but it's not one you made
assistant
Information
Do you think that there is any point at all in trying to mend things at this stage? He has promised he will not see her again but I don't think I could ever trust him.
user
null
it's in our nature as women to ask "what did I do?" but it is never about us or anything we did.
assistant
Information
Thank you, I am really glad that you understand. I don't feel that I will ever be able to trust any man again!
user
null
trust and vunerability is huge in a relationship. i'd look for professional help if you wan tot try and work on it
assistant
Providing Suggestions
I can't really afford professional help. And I don't want to be a burden on my friends. I worry that I am already annoying them.
user
null
do you have a friend who has been through a similar situation? sometime that helps. also, sharing your burden with someone does NOT add to their burden
assistant
Providing Suggestions
I do have a friend who has been through the same though ironically it is a male friend whose wife cheated on him!
user
null
my guess is he felt the same way you are feeling right now
assistant
Information
Yes. It is just such a deep betrayal. I think I could have forgiven him if it had just been a one time mistake but he had been seeing her for ages.
user
null
watch the brene brown video on youtube with the cartoon animal about empathy - it should help when looking for friends to rely upon grrrr. that would make me angry too
assistant
Providing Suggestions,Self-disclosure
It is nice to have things to distract myself from the things that are making me feel terrible. Do you have any other suggestions for distractions? I just keep thinking that every evening when he was returning home with me and with every nice thing he said he was being false.
user
null,null
i'm totally into the podcasts "a slob comes clean" basically it's about getting your poop in a group
assistant
Information
Hmm that sounds .. interesting :D. Is that a metaphor?
user
null
that's so hard. imagine how much energy he had to use to keep his lives from colliding. he couldn't find a better use for that energy?!
assistant
Providing Suggestions
I know, right!! Do you think it would be helpful for me to try and talk to this woman and see how she feels? I dunno if she even realises that he was in a committed relationship
user
null
yes! LOL but it's been helping me focus my anxiety into being a bit more productive
assistant
Self-disclosure
Anything that will help me with my anxiety is worth trying at the moment.
user
null
what do you want to hear from her? is there anything she could say that woudl make you feel better? NO!! she's not going to be able to help you unless you need a witness for divorce court
assistant
Providing Suggestions,Providing Suggestions
It would be less of a betrayal, I think, if she did not know about me. I would never do that to another woman!
user
null
she likely knew, othewise how would he explain all the time he spent with you to her?
assistant
Information
I suppose that's a good point too. I think maybe I do just need to make a total break and not look back. I do appreciate you talking, you have helped me to see things a great deal more clearly than I previously did.
user
null,null
glad i could help. please stay safe and no matter what you decide to do, you will be fine.
assistant
Providing Suggestions