dracula 3000 or van helsing dracula revenge ( cheap cash in on another lame vampire flick ) a i saw it be a master class in how not to make a movie . a rag tag collection of misfit salvager board a previously lose cargo ship the demeter in the ( cough ) carpathian system ( which later be upgrade to the carpathian galaxy ) and awake a relentless evil ( in this case the script ) . the film be a bizarre bastardization of event horizon and whatever the lame vampire film of all time be . spoliers follow after a plethora of production company logo and a credit sequence that most of the budget must have be blow on and we open with a cheesy exposition type speech from casper ( silly name ) who play captain abraham van helsing ( silly name ) and in lieu of actual character development and go on to describe the twisted and unintelligible oddity that make up his crew . van helsing himself sport a spray on stubble and wear a body warmer throughout in a sort of retro 80 tribute to han solo ( i guess ) . now and again the captain of the demeter pop up in some sort of mad video diary to tell u nothing of consequence in a pronounced german accent ( subtitle sadly not include ) . crewmember mina board the derelict ship ( alone . ) arm only with a gun shape torch and thick east european accent while converse with van helsing on his ship bridge ( which be basically a single glittery wall ) . mina wear a gas mask with rubber hose glue to the front and encounter what can only be describe a a skateboarder in a black cloak who continually glide by the camera . why this happen a the vampire be not yet make flesh be never explain . this lead on to a shaky camera chase mina down the hallway until she run into humvee . it possible will smith could have be draft in to write humvee line a most of them consist of humvee remind u he be black every ten second and say the word as enough for a guinness book of record entry while deliver all this in a from da hood accent ( this be the year 3000 and do da hood even exist . ) one of the main problem with this film be that it insanely try to pretend it set in the year 3000. unfortunately anyone with healthy eye would not buy this and a the demeter look suspiciously like a soviet style ocean go tanker . possibly the film crew think it would be okay to leave hammer and sickle symbol everywhere and a sexy poster of lenin next to a bunch of locker and explain it away a some sort of futuristic communist comeback special . the crew clothes look a if they be raid from a oxfam collection box ( seal since 1993 ) and they be arm to the teeth with late in 20th century automatic weapon ( with add year 3000 zing when fire ) which of course be absolutely no use against vampire . healthcare be a thing of the past ( in the future ) a the simpering professor not only have glass but be in a wheelchair . my god what happen to all that genetic engineering stuff . the professor be an interesting character a he be a direct rip off from alien resurrection who have their own rag tag misfit crew with a guy in a wheelchair ( who oddly wasn not kill ) . fan do not take to prof a he appear scar in a lot of scene if i be entomb in a non wheelchair access soviet ship pursue by bad act vampire and and everyone leave me because i be such a whining wimp and i would be scar too . during the un dramatic mina chase scene the prof inform u ( with feeling ) this be disconcert . the rest of his line be also disconcert bugger and and be all go to die x 100 and follow . erika eleniak appear a the vice captain ( what happen to 1st officer . ) in what i think would be the tired and standard issue and hard nose and no nonsense and do not eye me up unless i tell you too and beat up 10 stuntman at one time super babe and but this be a z flick so she basically wear a tight low cut top and even tight leather trouser . coolio performance boost the ham factor by 90 % and be camper than a row of tent but luckily for u he die soon enough . although he seem to keep his heart on the right hand side of his body . after a lot of run up and down the same corridor and use clunky soviet style control and and sit in soviet style locker room the crew find themselves strand a their own ship bugger off to find a more interesting crew ( probably ) . why dracula be even mention be unknown a the main bad guy be call orlock which be space transylvanian for crime against fashion a he dandies about in a big puffy and frilly shirt and even big starch collar make hammer horror vampire look slick by comparison . orlock stop to explain his entire back story ( off camera ) to erica eleniak and but fail to kill her in another rip off twist from alien resurrection . his back story be such a load of mince it not worth repeat . a the budget can not afford fight coordinator and special effect and original music and script ( not write by a chimpanzee ) and even proper end title ( the first cast list i saw and be same character but completely different and italian name ) the film begin to destroy whatever sanity you begin with . the crew luckily be able to fight back with the help of a ship computer that contain obscure and millennium old reference on how to kill fictional creature and some handy 20th century pool cue they find in the ship recreation room ( up yours holodeck ) . the end be awful and a little suspect and either they run out of money or the ex soviet demand their ship back . i walk into this film know it be bad but oblivious a to how bad it really be .