mike myers can not seem to get enough of himself in the love guru . he constantly giggle at his own joke and and mug for the camera a if he think his late comedy creation be the funny thing he invent . i have a very different reaction . pitka be bear in america and and travel to india to study under the cross eye guru tugginmypudah ( ben kingsley ) and who teach his student lesson by have them hit each other with urine soak mop . pitka devote his life and his teaching to help other people out with their relationship trouble and and hop his word of wisdom will become so popular and he will wind up on oprah . this be information we learn early on in the film ( after pitka serenade u with a bollywood style musical number of dolly parton nine to five during the opening credit ) and and i pretty much know right there that the love guru be go to be a very long 90 minute . the movie make a grave miscalculation with it lead character . guru pitka be not funny or likable . it simply myers talk in a funny accent and and come up with as many alternate way for say penis a he can without lose the film pg 13 rating . pitka be not even a real character . myers play him more a an experiment and a if he still test the character out and and we the audience be the guinea pig be subject to the experiment . it be widely report that the reason why myers hasn not do a live action film in five year be because he be fine tune his guru pitka at various comedy club until he felt he be ready . he be not ready and and he probably should have spend another five year if the end result be any indication . pitka be approach by jane bullard ( jessica alba ) and the owner of the struggle toronto maple leaf hockey team . her star player and darren roanoke ( romany malco ) and hasn not be perform up to the best of his ability ever since his wife and prudence ( meagan good ) and leave him for the goalie on the rival team a french player name jacques le coq grande ( justin timberlake and embarrass himself here ) who be know for his over sized manhood as much a he know for his talent in the game . the character exist simply so that myers and co screenwriter graham gordy can have the character say cock a lot more than humanly necessary . the maple leaf have a chance at win the stanley cup and but not if darren doesn not have his head in the game . the team pint size coach ( verne troyer ) doubt that pitka can turn the situation around and but the guru be determine to help . he will do this by find a way to distract darren from his problem ( by force him to watch two elephant have sex and thereby take his mind off of his problem with his wife . you figure it out . ) and and help him confront his over bearing mother ( telma hopkins ) and who have long cast a shadow over the star player . the love guru be not a comedy and it be a cry of desperation on behalf of myers and everyone involve . comedy be funny when it seem to come naturally out of the material and but everything seem so forced and strain here . it almost like if they can not think of something funny to do and they will throw in elephant hump each other and or light a midget on fire . and if that doesn not work and they will throw in another couple reference to male genitalia . if there a big cry of comic desperation than limp innuendo humor and then it have to be out of the blue musical number that be not funny in themselves and the movie just expect u to laugh at the fact that the character be suddenly sing for no reason . you know and i think i be go to have to take that last statement back . there an even more desperate form of comedy and and that would have to be build an entire scene around the fact that guru pitka have a different kind of food stick in his beard each time we see him and build up to a sight gag where his entire beard be cotton candy . this movie have so many scene of just plain wrong head desperation and you would almost think it be intentional . while myers cackle and mug his face with glee and pretending that he have a great time and the rest of the cast kind of look like they wish they be somewhere else . jessica alba look uncomfortable and and her scene where she suppose to be warm up to pitka look more like she hang out with him out of pity more than anything else . it not unusual in a comedy to have the support player stand in the background so the star can do his thing and but the cast here seem just as confused a i be a to what we be suppose to be watch myers do . there be not a single laugh or moment of inspiration in the love guru . it just a sad and depressing slog through material that not funny to start with and take by actor who seem to know it not funny . it bad enough when a comedy can not generate any laugh and but it get even bad when you start feel sorry for everyone up on the screen . you want to ask them and their agent what they be think when they sign up . you want to remind myers of just how funny he can be and and why this material and character do not suit him . but most of all and you want to be able to somehow turn back time to before you give the ticket counter your money and walk back out the door and and figure out another way to spend 90 minute .