where to begin . this be suppose to be a movie fill with comedy and suspense and romance and surprise . the only surprise i get out of the experience be read some positive review about it . i be honestly confident that and have be dumbfound myself at this movie epic badness and everyone else would have at the very least dislike it . not so . ebert give it 2 half star . and that not out of 10. he be rather unreliable these past few year and so i turn to the user comment section of imdb to find some sanity amongst my fellow amateur viewer . only to find many of them sick with the same malady . now and i be not really that egocentric . i understand that just because i do not happen to like a movie doesn not mean it a bad movie . but honestly and what can you like about this one . the plot be absolutely laughable . ( some spoiler ) richard dreyfus play micah and a magician or thief ( sound like a d and d character ) who pull off a diamond heist in 1977 ( question why do not he wear a mask . do he want to get catch . and do not get me start about the pure silliness of the balloon angle ) and then pick up his daughter and and together they bury the diamond with a photograph in a field . the audience be ( very obviously ) keep from see the photograph until near the end of the movie . quite why be a mystery and a the photograph hold absolutely no surprise . fast forward 25 year . micah be still in jail and but have a new buddy christian slater and play finch . together they escape ( in one of the absolute hand down most moronic escape sequence to make it to film and i be only use a little hyperbole ) and and take on new identity to hide out from the law while retrieve the diamond . the identity that slater assumes be that of ( dum dum dum ) cletis tout and a journalist who videotape the son of a mob bos kill a prostitute and get whack by the mob for his trouble . hilarious hijinks supposedly ensue a the mob now try to kill slater and thinking he be the real tout and while slater try to get the diamond . throw in portia de rossi a dreyfus daughter ( and the i hate him for no apparent reason and no wait and now i love him for no apparent reason relationship with slater and i use the term relationship lightly while tom cruise have more chemistry with the fish in jerry maguire ) and a painful cameo by rupaul and a moderately funny though sadly underused billy connolly and a mob bos with all the menace screen presence of american pie chris klein and two mob button men more cut out for a home alone sequel and a soundtrack that sound like background music from a computer game and then have almost the entire movie play out a a series of flashback that slater be tell mob hitman critical jim ( play by tim allen and who be constantly quote classic movie a la remington steele ) and have the audience needlessly wonder at how much of what slater be say be true and if anything and and what kind of plot twist might be in store ( needlessly wonder because spoiler it all true and there be no plot twist ) and and end it all with a cliched train station finish . well and what can i say . there be nothing original or interesting in the script . there be nothing laudable in the acting . there be nothing that make any of the character either while a ) believable and or b ) someone the audience might care about . the music be forgettable . the plot succeed only in confuse me and make me laugh at the wrong moment . don not buy it . don not rent it . don not watch it .