ok and so someone take the basic outline of the infamous gor novel and use them a an excuse for this amazingly threadbare and slipshod excuse for a feature film . i want to blame john milius and arnold schwarzenegger for this mess and since it come out in 1989 and but in actuality it be probably just another piece of product grunt out by the sword and sandal division of the italian film industry or sausage factory and and it ( or something very similar to it ) would probably have be make even if conan have never exist . so let see what we have get here . act . well and somehow they get hold of jack palance and dress him up in choir robe and a series of goofy hat . even sleep walk through his ridiculous part and he get more talent than the rest of the cast put together . this urbano guy . well and he handsome and and he buff and and he know how to pose and and that about it . everyone else can barely get their line out without stammer or chew the scenery and and the guy who play watney will probably never live down his role in this turkey if he live to be 210 year old . writing and screenplay . sorry and you must be think of some other movie . there be no such thing a write on display anywhere here . i be try to make allowance for factor such a dubbing and translation but . no and even allow for that and this thing obviously wasn not write and it be assemble from the random output of 1000 monkey sit at typewriter and and then carefully edit to remove all trace of human feeling or dramatic veracity from the result . costume and scenery and etc . nope and no such thing here . oh and the actor do not wear their own clothes to the shoot and and they aren not stand out in a vacant lot and but the thing use here be throw together in an afternoon on a budget of about $ 29 . 98 and so they doesn not really qualify . this be just some stuff they use to avoid have nude actor pantomime sword fight in an empty field . hell and theyre anti costume . you have never see so much un sexy skin in your life . ( my favorite example represent the 60 year old balding and flabby guy in the leather bustier ) . i do not want to hate on this film too much and such it doesn not really deserve venom or hatred . just contempt and dismissal . compare to a lot of thing put out by the italian film industry ( say and machiste vs hercules in the vale of woe and a film so bad that it actually drive strong men to tear ) and this isn not all that bad . it just dull and lifeless and uninspired and goofy without be funny . the urbano whosis guy and you know and the romantic lead and survive this movie . he even go on to do dozen of other film role in europe . that put him one up on people like kurt thomas after gymkata or ben affleck after gigli . watch this once and preferably with the mst3k coverage to get you through the rough spot and on a lazy sunday afternoon when you be too hungover or sleepy to watch anything more ambitious . and if this sequel be any indication and do not seek out the first gor movie and not if you value your brain cell .