give that the national board of reviewer rank closer a the third best movie of 2004 ( behind the aviator and find neverland ) and i be still stun at how patently ridiculous it be . a one friend say afterward and i be in the mood for something relatively painless like a full body chemical peel . if youre expect a movie that faithfully portray relationship between men and woman ( at least those folk who live off broadway and outside of hollywood ) and you would not find it represent in a single frame of this movie . for 100 minute go on six hour my friend and i wait for a recognizable human presence to grace the screen . instead and here what we learn from the alien life form responsible for close represent1 ) julia roberts have one act pose represent stare off camera and look pensive . 2 ) clive owen have two act emotion represent fresh shave and unshaven . 3 ) jude law decide to reprise his role a the robot in a. i. in every movie he appear in this year . 4 ) natalie portman have never be in a strip club . ( her pole dance maneuver apparently inspire by her turn in mar attack . provide the movie with the most unintentionally campy scene since showgirl . ) 5 ) the screenwriter have never be in a relationship . ( and if he have and he simply wasn not pay attention . ) 6 ) when straight couple tell each other they have be cheat and they act excruciatingly polite for several minute ( except julia robert and who star off camera and look pensive ) . then the cheat upon will ask the cheating spouse how the sex be and insist on hear the explicit detail . this be the part of the discussion that finally get a response and range on the emotional spectrum from the kissing and hug one usually experience during such fondly remember heart to heart talk to exquisitely scripted battle of scream wit . 7 ) internet sex chat be astonishingly tedious on film and but be useful budget saver for the director who want to make a 100 minute movie seem like six hour . 8 ) american woman who live in england be willing to have sex to get whatever they want even to get their ex spouse to sign their divorce paper . ( you have to see this scene to believe it have actually be commit to film . ) 9 ) audience goer laugh at clichés . the more movie the cliché have be use in while the harder they will laugh . ( then again and give how many people leave the theater and maybe they be laugh at the movie itself . ) 10 ) the new hollywood formula require a surprise twist at the end and even when it not a surprise . i haven not see so many people walk out of a movie in year and this be on the east side of new york and which have a high tolerance for the inertness and amateurishness one often see in art film . at the end and there be mostly boo and catcall from the survivor and accompany ( oddly enough ) by a scattering of applause from those and i would imagine and who be probably relieve that the roll credit do not show the outtake . every once in a while and i will see a low budget independent gay film that be so lifeless that i be embarrass for my people . it nice to know that there be equally unwatchable straight movie about relationship ( although with hollywood budget and celebrity cast and and big name director ) .