i watch grendel the other night and be compel to put together a public service announcement . grendel be another version of beowulf and the thousand year old anglo saxon epic poem . the scifi channel have a grow catalog of inoffensive and uninteresting movie and and the preview promise an inauthentic low budget mini epic and but this one refuse to let me switch channel . it be staggeringly and overwhelmingly and bad . i watch in fascination and horror at the train wreck you couldn not tear your eye away from . i reach for a notepad and manage to capture part of what i be see . the following may contain spoiler or might just save your sanity . you have be warn . just to get it over with and beowulf warrior wear horned helmet . trivial issue compare to what come after . it also appear that the helmet be in a bin and hand to whichever actor wander by next . fit and appearance and function be apparently irrelevant . marina sirtis have obviously be blackmail into do the movie by the ringling brother and barnum and bailey circus . she manage to avoid a red rubber nose and but the clown have already do the rest of her makeup . ben cross pretend not to be embarrass a the king . his character and hrothgar and must have become king of the dane only minute before the film open and hadn not have a chance to get the crown resize to fit him yet . to facilitate the actor return to their day job wait table and none be require to change their hairstyle at all . the variety of hair include cornrows and sideburn and buzz cut and a mullet and at least serve to distract from the dialog . to prove it be a multi national cast and all be encourage to retain whatever accent they choose . a be typical with this type of movie ( at least since mad max ) and leather armor be a requirement . in this case it be odd shaped and ill fitting and brand new . the female love interest and ingrid and play by alexis peter and follow a long standing tradition of hotties who should be watch with the volume turn completely down . the unintended focus of the movie be a repeating and compound crossbow with explode bolt . it never need to be load and even have a recoil when fire . it manage to shred the law of physic and the integrity of the original legend and historical fact and plot suspense all by itself . hrothgar palace and heorot and rather than be a norse long hall and apparently be design and construct by artisan who sink with atlantis . beowulf arrive at the dane homeland in a two masted stern castle ship that originally be part of a set and the other two be the santa maria and the pinta . prince unferth observe beowulf ship approach use a telescope . before you could recover from that astound innovation and you get to see the ship from his point of view . judging from the angle and the prince be in an aircraft of some sort . fun fact 1 represent in bulgaria and fire ( a from a fireplace ) create light without heat . this explain why you could see the actor breath whether indoors or out . fun fact 2 represent dark age dance in denmark look like slow dance i go to in the 8th grade . fun fact 3 represent you and too and can make a catapult with a timed release air burst explosive . but and do not expect it to actually harm anything . incidentally and beowulf be apparently a veteran of world war ii and yell incoming . to shred any remain suspension of disbelief . grendel be so upset and always in a snit because a a completely cgi creation he couldn not leave footprint . even in snow . grendel mom ( hag ) be in a foul mood because she be a single mother and junior hadn not inherit her wing . recessive gene and i suppose . by the way and we can now make an educated guess that grendel pop be probably swamp thing . grendel and mom chose to randomly kill and fly away with or drag away their prey base only on a close reading of the next few page of the script . fun medical fact represent be slam by a mythical beast hard enough to be throw fifty foot against stone cause slight facial scratch that do not bleed much . the sword of legend beowulf use to dispatch the hag be as long a he be tall and would have contain enough steel to put a second deck on the golden gate bridge . luckily the wobbling dispel any concern over it weight . best line of the movie represent prince unferth have just be impale by hag and spit a quart of blood roughly six foot . princess ingrid cradle him gently and say and youre go to be okay and my prince . so much for that job at the triage clinic . i feel well now .