It's not so much that you invented the Maxim machine gun – although obviously that's a little bit problematic – or even that you look like the poor man's Colonel Sanders. First off, you're a possible bigamist. I have a longstanding opposition to bigamy. Secondly, you were born an American but then became a Brit, thereby metaphorically machine gunning our founding fathers. And most importantly, among your many inventions was the successful amusement park ride, the Captive Flying Machine. Mr. Maxim, I hate the Captive Flying Machine. The Captive Flying Machine has resulted in many a girlfriend telling me that I'm a coward.