I am in bed with Howard again. It's been so long since we've made love and he wants it real bad. I agree. I lie down and try to pretend I'm asleep. I am turned away from him. He slowly and gently comes close to me. He's afraid I'll pull away or refuse him and so he's being very hesitant and careful. He licks my cheek. I feel some revulsion. He touches my nipple. I want to cringe. I try to tolerate it but can't, it is so repugnant to me. I sit up, crying and sobbing. He is heartbroken and runs from the room. I feel such sorrow for him, for me and for my two baby girls (Dovre and Ellie). I'm not intimately, lovingly close to them as I'm not sexually there for Howard. I feel like apologizing for this deficit in me. I get up and find a note Howard had written for me. He had gone to bed to wait for me and left a note to explain that. It said, "Here are your pills (birth control). They are improved and better than the last time you tried them. I'll go to bed and wait until you feel ready."