(03/05/00)["Neal and I almost make love."] I go to Neal's office. We haven't seen each other for months. It is night. We talk about out work together. I am aware that I am attracted to him sexually. I wonder if he is interested in me. He seems gently caring. I am not afraid, but eager to touch him. He kisses me. Now we are lying on the floor of his office. He locks the door. I ask him if I can take off his shirt. He says yes. I slowly unbutton each button. Surprised I can do that physically. I slowly undress him. Taking off his blue work shirt and then his T-shirt. He unbuttons my blouse. I hope I look OK naked. I gently stroke his back and arms as he adjusts his position to begin penetration. I am pleasantly surprised how big his penis is. He seems hesitant. I continue to caress him and he me. He says he is thinking about the ramifications of this. This is our first time making love and he wants It to be right. Not just something quick and done with. I am getting more sexually excited and am trying to stay relaxed and patient. I like his thoughtfulness and gentleness, but I am also desirous of being sexual with him. I kiss him again. My head is up against the door and it feels like someone is trying to push it open. I reach up and check the lock. He says you sure are concerned about that lock. Then he says I'm going to miss working with you. He says he is surprised I am this good sexually. Pleasantly surprised. I want this encounter to be good. I am surprised I am taking this much initiative in making it happen. Again the door jiggles. Like someone is trying to come in. He then says we can't make love right now. He gently explains that we would have a dual relationship and it wouldn't be OK. He has to think about it. I understand but I am disappointed. I want to make love to him. I like him as well as being sexually interested. We get up and dress. We kiss gently. I walk down the hall to my dorm room. I go in and lock the door. It is the middle of the night. I see my bed and sigh. How am I going to get to sleep? I feel in love and disappointed.