(10/15/99)["Deciding to live."] My parents have decided that I should die now because things are so hard for me with all the suffering I have had and will have all my life. I have agreed. They decide the best way for me to die is to lie me down in a large rectangular box half filled with a metallic silvery liquid like molding metals for statues. I am supposed to lie down and they then bill the box up all the way and I would be totally covered and submerged. I would drown in this liquid and be preserved like a statue. The thought of the liquid entering my lungs is not a good one. I feel squeamish and afraid. Charla is sad I will die. Then I walk out of the room with the box and see my mother, my father, brother Dwight and Charla in a dining room. I join them, saying to Charla. I have decided not to die. I guess I'll just wait until I die of Arthritis whenever it happens. Charla is happy and relieved. I am very relieved also. I can't imagine what I was thinking to even have agreed to this unnecessary suicide plan.