I was working for SVH. I had two sons. One was Matthew's current age and one much younger. They were helping me get things ready so I could leave for the day and part of it was reconciling the cash. The boys were arguing about something. I told the older one that he needed to be patient with the younger one, because even the older one was getting impatient with me at that time about wanting to do things differently than I wanted him to. That's what was happening with the little one also. The older one was hassling him, trying to make him do it a certain way. I said to the older one, but you're getting upset with me right now for the very same thing. You don't want me to show you how I want it done or how it needs to be done. You want me to just let you do it your way. When we were in our car, ready to go home, it was just Matthew at his current age and myself. We were driving a pickup truck. He started to back up and I started saying, The gate is down! The gate is down! I had to say it 4-5 times before he stopped. By the time he stopped it was too late. He had hit another vehicle so the gate lifted the other car, moved it over a bit, and pushed it back. In doing so, he hurt two other boys. One was Matthew's current age. The other was the age of the younger Matthew in the dream earlier. The younger one wasn't seriously injured but the older one was fighting for his life, he was unconscious. The doctors and nurses kept telling me that they didn't know if he would pull through or not. I didn't want to leave the hospital because I was so worried about the boy and I was frustrated with Matthew. I felt it happened because of a typical behavior of his, not listening to words of caution, thinking that he already knows best. Until something happens, he tends to have to learn his lessons the hard way. I was frustrated because I didn't want someone to have to lose their life before Matthew would start driving more carefully and about being more open to other people's advice. I was very concerned and upset. I took to the younger boy and asked him if he believed in God. His grandmother was there. One of them said that they did. I was cleaning the equipment around the older boy's bed. Something I did seemed to make a difference. There seemed to be a turn for the better. As I was cleaning I kept praying and praying asking God to please let him pull through. Part of me felt as though I was praying for the boy for the wrong reason. I really wanted him to pull through for himself and for his family, but also for Matthew. I felt really bad about what happened and because Matthew is my son. Even though he is 19, I still feel very responsible for him and the person he is and his behavior. From that respect I felt horrible about what happened. So I was praying for our sake as well. Whatever I did caused a slight improvement. The doctors were still telling us to be very cautious and not get overly optimistic. He said it was a good sign but it did not mean that he was completely out of danger. The little boy said he saw his brother holding out his hand for him and he thought that meant that he was going to be okay. I wanted to say to the boy, you know, if you see him holding out his hand, maybe that means that God is holding out his hand for your brother, and we should take comfort in that. It doesn't matter if God is going to walk him home to heaven or walk him home to you. We should take comfort that God is going to walk with him. But I didn't say it because I wasn't sure if it was an appropriate thing for me to say. Would it be appropriate for me to say as the person I was in the dream and am now? Would it be appropriate for me to say as a spiritual director? Does it make a difference? I knew some of the nurses and other employees because I worked there. We were going to start having monthly movie nights at our department, or center, where we work. We may have just done one. I think it may have been two connected departments and I worked in the other. I was going to be in charge of this with a couple of nurses from the other department. That particular time we had done it in their department. I was walking around, cleaning up, sweeping the floors. There was something about the fact that we shouldn't spend our time doing that. I thought I should be able to do that if I wanted to. It makes things look better and I don't mind sweeping up after someone else. There was a discussion about that room not being very important compared to what we do. Maybe even that didn't support our basic philosophies or values. I'm not sure I understand that. I continued to sweep and clean up. In fact, in the one area where the other nurses were, there were doors open and I was trying to sweep some of the leaves up and outside. The leaves were blowing in and around the room. It didn't seem to bother me. I was aware of it, but it wasn't frustrating me that more leaves kept blowing back in. I thought I would just do the best that I could. I had moved back to my area and was sweeping one of the rooms there. I thought the room I was in would be a nice place to have the monthly movie nights and that I should check with my manager to see if they would mind that. It's a room that we could stretch out; maybe even lay on the floor. I was thinking how comfortable the basic plastic molded chairs in this room would be compared to the student chairs with desktops that were in the other room. Then I thought maybe not. At first I had the impression that it was carpeted but it wasn't. I started to wonder if there was a screen in there that we could show the movie on. I don't think there was and I didn't know what would be involved in getting one in there. I finally decided it would just be best to continue using the room that we had used. Somehow I knew that Br. Barry had been brought in on this conversation about to sweep or not to sweep. It seems that he could see where we were both coming from, and didn't really see the problem if I had the time or even if I wanted to do it on my own time. I realized that no one had been talking to the older boy who had been hurt. I thought maybe I should go tell his younger brother that he should go talk to him. Some people believe that people who are unconscious or in a coma can hear you talk to them or that it does make a difference in their recovery. I thought it might be good for the younger boy as well, to talk to his brother. Then I thought I should tell Matthew that as well. Matthew should go talk to the young man and make his peace with the situation in case the boy didn't make it. I didn't think Matthew had any idea it would be for him if this young man doesn't pull through. I felt it was very important that he go talk to him, to apologize, or whatever else he felt he needed to say. Again, I didn't know if that was appropriate to tell the two of them to go talk to them. I was in training to become a doctor. I was seeing this patient, even though I realized that I had two more years before I would actually be a doctor. I was referring to myself as a doctor to her. It wasn't until later that I realized that was inappropriate and I should clarify to her that I still had two more years of education. Whatever her problem was, I had taken care of it for her. I had gone into this classroom where we were later going to be viewing a movie together. The mother of the woman whom I had treated, or spoken with, was there. She was waiting for her daughter so they could go home. Ben D was in this room. I was excited to see him there. I was debating what I should say to him, should I express my personal interest, was there something that I could say to get him to ask me out. I just tried to be very kind, friendly, and not overly so. I was surprised that he was there. I learned that he had come to attend a lecture and that he does this quite often. So then I thought I should tell him if he is ever in the city where I live that he should give me a call and we could have dinner, similar to what he had said to me in waking life. I went into the room a few times and chatted with him briefly. The mother of this woman that I had treated was there also. I finally realized that Ben D was hanging around to take her to dinner after her daughter was finished there. This disappointed me, that he was there to socialize with this other woman, and he wasn't expressing any additional interest in seeing me socially. I was stewing over this, wondering if there was anything that I could or should do or say. I was contemplating how I was feeling about this experience and what, if anything, I should do. The young man did die. As soon as Matthew heard, he broke down in tears. He was very upset. I had not had the opportunity to suggest that he talk to the young man, even though the young man was in a coma. We were at home and Matthew was in the shower trying to relax. I was going to go rub his back or something to help him relax. I had a method or ritual or something to try to help him relax. aromatherapy, music, etc. It occurred to me that some people might find this inappropriate but since we were both in bathing suits I decided that it was fine. I knew how upset Matthew was and I wanted to help him. but myself as well because I was also very upset by the whole thing. Prior to this, there were approximately 20 workmen outside of my house doing some repairs. They had finished their work. On the kitchen counter there was a 1 _ inch to 2-inch gap between the cabinet and the counter. kind of like a hole. It was probably 12 inches long but it was arched. I thought it was terrible. One of them said there was nothing that could be done. I was going to talk to one of the other workers to verify that or to find someone who could fix it. Then there were even more people there. People that I knew. They wanted to know about this ritual that I use for relaxation. They wanted to witness it. They were waiting for me to prepare everything. Probably 15 of them were waiting outside. It was very hot, so they had removed their shirts. I had gone out for a minute. I jokingly said something about fifteen shirtless men sitting in my front yard and that not happening very often. They all laughed. I had some of the people helping me collect candles. My shower was something like you would see in a health club. It was almost like three shower stalls, divided, but the partition-dividers were clear so you could see through them, and they were long and narrow. Lots of people had gathered in these three shower stalls to watch the ritual. They were all clothed. They didn't seem to be showering, but the water was on. They were sitting in a row, because the stalls were long and narrow and they couldn't stand or sit 2 or 3 people across. I told them that to do the ritual I would need all of the people out of there. They all cleared out and were helping me put the candles in but they were putting them in the wrong places. In the one shower stall that I was going to be using there were quite a few plants on the one end, ivy and hanging plants, etc. I was placing the candles very carefully so they wouldn't light the plants on fire. I had them replace some of the candles because I only wanted candles that were either white or very dark colors such as maroon, green and navy. There was also a man in there filming it. But he was filming it while all the other people were in there. I said, I do believe it may be useful for people to have a video of this ritual because they could see it being performed and learn to use it for themselves or their loved ones. However, I think it should be done right if you are going to do it. He found a blank tape that was a minute or two long. I told him that wasn't really going to do much good. Then he found another one that was much longer. I had two women friends, close to me. I didn't have a place to change into my swimsuit. There were so many people around I couldn't find a private place to change. I thought I had found a place but then that didn't work out. Then all these men and some other people decided they would create a barrier for me by surrounding me, with their backs to me, so I could change. I did that. Two of the women who were particularly close to me were trying to help me. I wanted to slip it down over my head and they said that wouldn't work. They said I wouldn't be able to keep myself covered that way so I stepped into the swimsuit and pulled it up. I removed my top while they simultaneously pulled my swimsuit up. This worked very well. I went into the shower. When Matthew came in he was a very small child, maybe only one year old. I'm not sure he could even sit up by himself. I was sitting on the floor of the shower and he was sitting with me, between my legs but facing away from me, as a parent and child might sit on the floor when playing. I was bathing him and all the candles were lit.