Howard and I are in bed. He wants to make love. He tries to kiss me. I am repulsed and sad. I feel empathy and sadness for him because he wants it/me so badly. I feel so sad for me too. I want sex, love and relationship and to say no to him means saying no to myself as well. But I can't get over the repulsion I feel. He cries and says, "You used to be so beautiful," meaning when I was younger. I am surprised. Maybe he is finally able to express his emotions! But as he continues to talk, he clearly stays in a logical, digital based conversation. I am disappointed. Then I hear about a Wash. DC Senator (also Howard) who's thinking of suicide. I ask him if he will. He says no.