(02/11/97)["Sexy cigarettes and anger."] I am in a room, maybe a hotel area. Dovre and I are hanging out watching TV all night. We are smoking and I really am chain smoking. I finish a pack and then pick up a pack called Lily Fields or Lilac Fields. It has a pretty flower with yellow colors on the pack. Obviously cigarettes made for women. I light one up and walk to a overstuffed chair in a corner and smoke. I pull in every drag I can. It makes me feel sexually excited and warm. I pick up the pack and read the back which explains that there are Phonemes embedded in the thing so that when I read the carefully coded words I will experience a sexually warm feeling. I like it and the cigarette is short and finishes up quickly. I keep smoking until the burning ember of the end is nearly on my lips. I then walk over to the sink to put it out. The faucet doesn't work right. I move the handle to the left and to the right but it never turns it completely off. Water is squirting up from the drain. I realize I have to turn a knob to stop the water flow and do that. The stub of the cigarette is now grass green. Now I go back to the chair and sit. A nurse comes in who apparently usually does the IV into a vein in my scalp or brain. She has a whole pack of men with her and she says she has injured herself and will leave me in the care of these men who do nursing stuff in the room across the hall. I don't like this and start to tell the man exactly where the vein is and it is tender and hurts. The man is sharp and cold. He says that part of your brain is dead. It can't hurt. I am furious and walk away saying I will call my Doctor. I will not allow you to touch me. The woman nurse shows me her welted and red swollen arm and she leaves. Now I am watching as a woman comes in very drunk. She won't take the treatment. Her brother goes in and comes out saying she won't listen to us. Only to Beverley. I begin to cry, angry and upset. Some woman asks me Will I fight for her? I feel put upon and used and tired. I cry and cry.