Im the ice box man at our house. Im Ice Box Man! I answer the call when theres a need at the ice box. Two very important responsibilities, the first one is keeping people from standing with the door to the refrigerator open for more than 45 minutes at a time. God, that gets me mad YOU WANT TO CLOSE THAT GODDAMN DOOR PLEASE? YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DOOR?! YOURE LETTING OUT ALL OF THE COLDNESS I SAVED OVERNIGHT! COME ON, CLOSE THE DOOR! you know, some guy smoked eight joints and hes gonna inventory my refrigerator. Ummmm...Ummm...Uhhh.... Here, heres fifty dollars go down to the Burger King. Willya, God! Well save more than that on electricity alone. Close the goddamn door, willya? Look, if you wanna know whats in there, why dont you take a Polaroid picture and go away and look at the picture and then come back and figure out what you want. Years ago, we didnt have Polaroid cameras. We had to make an OIL PAINTING of what was in there! Aah, I dont let it get me down. Cause theres a bigger responsibility. And that is getting into that refrigerator and deciding which things need to be thrown away. Most people will not take that responsibility. Most people will just go and get what they want, leave everything else alone and say, Well, someone else wants that. Someone else will eat that Meanwhile, the thing is getting smaller and smaller and smaller and is, in fact stuck to the rack. Well, Ive got to go in there and decide when to throw things away. Chocolate pudding? Does anyone want this last chocolate pudding? I have just one chocolate pudding left. Its only pulled away from the side of the dish about three inches all the way around. And theres a huge fault running through the center of the pudding. Actually, its nothing but a ball of skin at this point. Does anyone want a ball of fault ridden chocolate pudding skin? Im only going to throw it away. Do people do that with you? Offer you some food that if you dont eat it, theyre only going to throw it away. Well, doesnt that make you feel dandy? Heres something to eat, Dave. Hurry up, its spoiling! Something for you, Angela. Eat quickly, that green part is moving! Here, Bob. Eat this before I give it to an animal. Yever been looking through the refrigerator and you come across an empty plate? Boy, that starts me to wondering. Did something eat something else? Maybe the olives ate the tuna! Maybe that chicken isnt really dead yet. Actually, I picture a little mouse with gloves and a parka on, yknow. Just waiting for the lights to go out Perhaps the worst thing that can happen is to reach into the refrigerator and come out with something that you cannot identify at all. You literally do not know what it is. Could be meat, could be cake. Usually, at a time like that, Ill bluff. Honey, is this good? Well, what is it? I dont know. Ive never seen anything like it. It looks like...meatcake! Well, smell it. snort, sniff It has absolutely no smell whatsoever! Its good! Put it back! Somebody is saving it. Itll turn up in something. Thats what frightens me. That someone will consider it a challenge and use it just because its in there Its a leftover. What a sad word that is. Leftover. How would you like to be...a leftover? Well, it wouldnt be bad if they were taking people out to be shot. I might even volunteer. But, yknow, leftovers make you feel good twice. Dja ever think about that? When you first put them away, you feel really intelligent Im saving food! And then, after a month, when hair is growing out of them and you throw them away you feel...really intelligent Im saving my life! When you make a sandwich at home, do you reach down past the first three or four pieces of bread to go down and get the good bread? Its kind of a self preservation thing, yknow? What youre really saying is, Let my family eat the rotten bread! Ill take care of Numero Uno! And down you go into the loaf. Down, looking for the two that you want, a matching pair. And you have to be careful pulling them out so they dont tear. And then when you get them to the top, the upper eight slices fall the other way. I never straighten them out. I think, screw it, let em think a burglar made a sandwich. Not my job, straightening out the bread Gotta tell me. In the refrigerator, who is it, please that puts into the refrigerator the halfgallon containers of milk with only that much left in them? I get one of those every time. Hey, heres some milk fooom! ...God, not enough to drink. Better put that back, huh? I know my responsibilities
refrigerator, pudding, leftover, eat, responsibility