[Spoken Intro] SIDEMEAT Mwahphew Hey, Ranger Doug! Ranger Doug! RANGER DOUG Hey Sidemeat, the old sidekick. Whatcha up to, pal? SIDEMEAT I had a dream last night, Ranger Doug! I wanna tell you about! Mwahphew RANGER DOUG Well just give us the news and not the weather SIDEMEAT Say, are you implyin Im spittin? RANGER DOUG I am indeed SIDEMEAT Well, I aint spittin! Thats the cry of the sidekick! Mwahphew RANGER DOUG The cry of the sidekick? SIDEMEAT Thats the sound the sidekick always makes in the old Western movies. At some point in every Western, th sidekick will turn to Gene or Roy and say Mwahphw. I dont know why. But uh, let me tell you about my dream... [Chorus] I dreamed I was there In Sidekick Heaven Oh what a beautiful sight [Verse 1 Sidemeat] [Spoken] Yeah, I dont know if it was the footlong green chili burrito I got down at the Shoot n Scoot or what, but I had a whopper of a dream last night. I dreamed I rode my mule up through the clouds, past Riders In The Sky, and clean as fer as Sidekick Heaven. I rode him through the great pearly corral gates they got there, tied him up at a solid diamond hitching post and then I seen him, leanin against the golden bunkhouse door waiting to greet me. It was the greatest sidekick of em all, the old Gabbaro, Gabby Hayes! Gabby looks at me and says IduwahIduwahdosuhduhSidemeat. IduwahIduwahdosuhside? What the heck did you say? I says to him. Why dont you speak English so I manage to understand ya? He went Mwahphew and I knew he wanted me to come inside! Mwahphew [Chorus] I dreamed I was there In Sidekick Heaven Oh what a starstudded night You might also like[Verse 2 Sidemeat] [Spoken] We walked in the bunkhouse and I see them sittin at a barrel playin poker. A couple of the fuzzies Fuzzy Knight and Al Fuzzy St. John. And oh! Leanin against the wall over there, Ranger Doug, was Walter Brennan [Ranger Doug doing an impression of Walter Brennan] One of these days, Im gonna climb that mountain. [Verse 2 Sidemeat Cont.] [Spoken] Yeah, I guess he climbed that rascal, all right. Next to him was Slim Pickens and then come Tonto [Ranger Doug doing an impression of Tonto] Hmm, Kemosabe. [Verse 2 Sidemeat Cont.] [Spoken] Yeah, Pancho [Ranger Doug doing an impression of Leo Carrillos laugh] Cisco! [Verse 2 Sidemeat Cont.] [Spoken] Way in the corner there was HopSing. I guess that was the third world corner of Sidekick Heaven. Mwahphew Then we heard a great commotion and we run to the window and I look outside. Theres a feller driving a Jeep, waving his hat and screaming Whoa, Nellybelle, whoa! It was Pat Brady! [Chorus] I dreamed I was there In Sidekick Heaven Oh, but their timing was great [Verse 3 Sidemeat] [Spoken] Then we went out the back door and I seen this feller fall off his horse and into the horse trough, like he did in 7000 pictures, it was Smiley Burnette, Gene Autrys sidekick. Oh! There goes Andy Devine, Wait for me, Wild Bill, wait for me! And then I seen some guys sittin on the top rail of the corral fence, they sorta looked familiar, but I didnt really know who they were. It was all the sidekicks that no one can remember. Raymond Hatton. Who would know Raymond Hatton? I didnt know him! He had a little nametag that said Hello, my name is Raymond Hatton. Welcome to Sidekick Heaven, have a nice day! Mwahphew Next to him was Arkansas Slim Andrews and Shug Fisher, Max Terhune and little Elmer. Theyd switched their nametags! Mwahphew Always somethin in Sidekick Heaven! Mwahphew Then the Gabbaro says Come on, Sidemeat, were going to the Sidekick Smithsonian. And sure enough, Ranger Doug, there they was a million hats, made of solid gold. Every one turned up in the front. There was greasy aprons and phony beards, pile after pile of filthy winter underwear Mwahphew [Ranger Doug tries to do the cry of the sidekick] Mwahphew [Verse 3 Sidemeat Cont.] [Spoken] Yer darn tootin, Ranger Doug. I think thats where it originated. Then the Gabbaro says Come on, Sidemeat, were going to the Big Bosss ranch house. Cause hes got a tallybook of all the sidekicks yet to come to Sidekick Heaven, and I think youre gonna like to see it. So we went in a big golden room, and all you could hear was a guitar. And a fiddle there, playing. And a talented percussionist. And the accordion. Thank you. Cept the fiddle was playin way up high there. It was way up there, way, way up. But it was in tune! Thats how I knew it was heaven! The dogs were going berserk in Sidekick Heaven [Ranger Doug cuts in] Wait a minuet! Dogs in Sidekick Heaven? [Verse 3 Sidemeat Cont.] [Spoken] Well, technically they were in Critter Heaven, which was several blocks down wind. Mwahphew Some things never change! Mwahphew Its real cozy. You can get your ticket punched and go both places for three days. Anyway, Critter Heaven is great, they got Rin TinTin and half a dozen Lassies. Anyway, were in the big beautiful room and hes got the tally book, is what Im trying to tell ya, and he turned the page and some gold dust. And there it was, written in pure platinum, I dont know what it was, very expensive, they dont cut no corner in Sidekick Heaven. Mwahphew And he commenced to read a list of all the fellers yet to come and he read Chester Dennis Weaver, Festus Ken Curtis, Dan Quayle. Hes gonna need a name tag, dont you suppose? Pat Buttram, Dub Cannonball Taylor, Robert Blake as Little Beaver, Sidemeat Gasps Sidemeat! And thats when I awoke, and Im sorry I did. Cause... [Chorus] I dreamed I was there In Sidekick Heaven Oh what a beautiful sight [Sidemeat][Spoken] Save me a plate of beans, boys. Im on my way...
sidekick, sidemeat, mwahphew, doug, ranger