PARENT & CHILD
WHEN Sharon Kimmich got married seven years ago, she looked forward to becoming close to her husband's two children. "I thought they would be my children, the children that I'd never had," said Ms. Kimmich, who lives in Oakton, Va. Her stepchildren, now 16 and 18 years old, live with their mother and stepfather in Minnesota.
"I thought it would be like 'The Brady Bunch,' " she said, "but it never became that. We're not that close emotionally. I've resigned myself to thinking this is the best it's ever going to get."
Although her conclusion may be wrong, her feelings toward her stepchildren are quite common. Many people are surprised by the negative feelings they have toward their stepchildren. Yet they seldom discuss these feelings, fearing that they reveal a failure on their part.
"Parents often have the unrealistic expectation that they should love their spouse's children from the very beginning," said Dr. James H. Bray, a clinical psychologist and an associate professor of family medicine at Baylor College of Medicine in Houston. "That just isn't true. It takes time for a relationship to evolve."
Studies show that the stepchild-stepparent relationship is profoundly affected by many factors that have little to do with the stepparent's personality or love of children. Also, some long-term friction between stepparents and stepchildren, especially at certain ages and in certain situations, is normal.
"Even 7 to 10 years after marriage, stepparents don't report as close a relationship with their stepchildren as biological parents have with their children," Dr. Bray said. "The stronger the relationship the child has with the noncustodial parent, the weaker the relationship with the stepparent."
Stressful relationships are especially common when stepparents join a family that has adolescents. There is an inherent conflict between the stage of the new marriage, in which the emphasis is often on family togetherness, and the developmental stage of the children, who are trying to assert their independence.
"Teen-agers aren't usually enthusiastic about forming new relationships with stepparents," said Dr. Emily B. Visher, a clinical psychologist in Lafayette, Calif., and a founder of the Step Family Association of America. "One 16-year-old boy told me: 'Two parents are two too many. Who wants any more?' "
She has found that although the bond between stepparents and teen-age stepchildren is often fragile, it often improves after those children leave home and are on their own for a few years. Other researchers have found similar patterns.
"One of the things that makes it hard for the relationship is that people often feel that they don't have a choice about whether to like each other," said Dr. Anne C. Bernstein, a clinical psychologist at the Wright Institute in Berkeley, Calif. "Once you realize that it's not something that you're forced to feel, you often find some likable things about the other person."
Another trigger for problems within stepfamilies is the different emotional styles of spouses and their children. One side of the family may be very expressive of their feelings and opinions. The other may be more stoic and keep their emotions to themselves.
"They have different and unfulfilled expectations of the others' responses," said Dr. Norman Epstein, an associate professor of family and community development at the University of Maryland in College Park.
Anger toward stepchildren is sometimes a reflection of hidden problems, Dr. Epstein said. For example, a stepfather may view a stepchild as spoiled, and blame his wife. But rather than show irritation toward his spouse, he directs it at the child. "That's less threatening than treating it as an issue between the spouses," he said. Expect Some Tension, Not Instant Love
F you find it difficult to get along with your stepchildren, here are several suggestions:
Check whether your expectations are reasonable.
Remember that there is no such thing as instant love, and tension is to be expected. "Realize that, in order to live together, you have to treat each other with courtesy," said Dr. James H. Bray, an associate professor of family medicine at Baylor College of Medicine in Houston. "That should be a clear expectation. It has nothing to do with liking or loving someone else."
Remember to treat each child as an individual.
Although it is often simpler to treat children as "the kids," it can work against you if you spend time with your children only as a group, or always have your spouse along.
"You don't have to do everything together as a family," said Dr. Emily B. Visher, a clinical psychologist in Lafayette, Calif., and a founder of the Step Family Association of America. "Have some one-on-one time with each stepchild. That's how you really form and build relationships."
Don't assume that problems are due to the stepfamily relationship.
They may simply be a part of normal child development. Linking it to the stepfamily can lead to trouble. "That often makes it worse because the stepparents take it personally, which makes them more angry and defensive," Dr. Bray said. "This, in turn, makes the teen-ager more angry and defensive as well. It becomes a vicious cycle."
Don't criticize your spouse about his or her children.
"That forces your spouse to choose between you," said Dr. Norman Epstein, an associate professor of family and community development at the University of Maryland in College Park.
Instead of simply saying that the children are inconsiderate, give specific behaviors that bother you, like how they leave their clothes all over the house.
"It's easier for the other parent to hear and act on that than respond to an attack on his or her personality," Dr. Epstein said.
If nothing seems to work, give yourself time to change your focus.
Remember that some stepfamily relationships get better once the children become young adults. "If you don't like your stepchildren, and you've felt that way for several years, accept that and keep the focus of your energies on the marriage," Dr. Bray said. "That's really the long-term relationship for you. But that doesn't mean you should ignore your stepchildren."