[ EU ] Hogwarts has a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher - Gregory House


 Note: Part 2 is a comment on this comment. 
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 `` Hey Potter!'' said Malfoy loudly as Harry entered the classroom. `` What's the difference between a Weasley and our class?'' 
 
 `` Ignore him Harry, nothing good can come out of talking to him.'' Hermione grabbed his arm and attempted to pull him to the desk Ron had saved for them at the back of the room. Harry glowered at her, then at Malfoy, but continued walking. 
 `` No answer, Granger? That's a first.'' Malfoy sneered. `` No matter, I'll let you know this once. You see, our class now has a House, while a Weasley...'' he trailed off with a smirk, while his cronies roared their approval. 
 
 Harry started back, but Hermione gave his arm a firm tug, and dragged him to the desk. `` What's he talking about? I mean, I understand the stupid joke he was trying to make'' he said, with an apologetic look at Ron. `` But how does a class have a house?'' 
 
 `` You do n't know?'' Ron looked at him incredulously. `` Oh I forgot, you missed the Great Feast again this year. He's talking about our new Defence of the Dark Arts teacher, Gregory House. He's supposed to be some kind of a genius spy Healer Auror or something.'' 
 
 ``... though apparently, `` Malfoy's loud oily voice cut through `` he is n't in much better condition than Weasley's hovel.'' 
 
 *tap* *tap* *tap* 
 
 Crabbe and Goyle's raucous peals of laughter were interrupted by a loud tapping sound. 
 `` And do you find my injury... entertaining?'' said the greying man in Muggle clothes who limped into the classroom, his wooden cane tapping on the hard stone floor. `` I ca n't say I really blame you. It has been a source of some entertainment to me too. For one, I would n't have discovered these pills the Muggles came up with, had it not been for my leg. If I did n't know better, I'd say they were magical!'' 
 
 `` Great, another mudblood-lover. As if the werewolf was n't bad enough'' muttered Pansy Parkinson in a voice loud enough to carry. 
 
 `` I'm sorry, what?'' Professor House bent forward theatrically, cupping a hand to an ear. `` Did you say mudblood-lover?'' Pansy turned pink but continued to stare defiantly at him. `` Were you perhaps happy, to have another member join your'mudblood-lover' group?'' The shade of her face deepened, as Professor House approached her desk, bending down, his face almost level with hers. `` What do you mean?'' She asked as he continued to regard her unflinchingly. `` You subscribe to Muggle fashion magazines, you listen to Muggle music. You have been to the most unmagical place in London, Oxford Street, at least once. And you clearly, clearly have at least one Muggle friend, maybe a boyfriend?'' 
 
 If her face had been red earlier, it was now the color of the brightest, shiniest new quaffle. All around the room jaws were dropping, and the expression on Hermione's face suggested that Transfiguration class had come early. 
 `` I.. I.. do n't know what you're talking about.'' 
 
 `` Well,'' House continued, `` your hair is styled in the same manner as the Muggle singer Madonna, on your wrist is a'friendship bracelet', a muggle tradition if I ever knew one, and is that a Chanel fragrance I smell on you? Now why would a young witch wish to model herself on a Muggle pop icon? Idle fantasy? Maybe. But it is much more likely that it was to impress a young man.'' 
 `` Maybe it's just a coincidence that my fashion sense matches whatever Muggle references you dug up from under a rock.'' She managed to splutter out somehow. 
 
 `` That's a lot of coincidences, Ms. Parkinson.'' House said, as he turned around and walked towards the board. `` And if there's one things 20 years in the Muggle world, trying to keep humans safe from wizards, and wizards safe from humans, has taught me, it's to not trust coincidences. Which brings me, to our first exercise, which will, hopefully by the end of this lesson, bring us to our first rule of Defence against the Dark Arts.'' 
 
 RULE # 1: 
 
 He wrole in large letters on the blackboard, and plonked himself atop the table that sat in front of it. `` As you all know, fighting the dark arts is all about knowing how to use the best spells.'' Ron nodded vigorously, as House took a pause to pop a pill from the box he had just pulled out. `` That is incorrect. Every duel is won or lost in the mind. Take my little duel with Ms. Parkinson at the beginning of the class. She thought to attack me on my love of all things Muggle. She made two mistakes there. First, she decided to go on the offence without knowing anything about her enemy, and without even taking a second to think about it - had it been something I was the slightest bit ashamed off, would I have donned Muggle garb in front of 20 impressionable, eager wizards and witches? And second, she failed to put up her own defences, in case of a counter-offence. From her obvious interest in terrible Muggle music, and her bravado in denouncing me as a'mudblood-lover', 20 points from Slytherin for that, by the way, I was able to identify a chink in her armor. And what does that teach us Mr. Longbottom?'' 
 
 `` Do n't read Muggle magazines?'' Neville answered doubtfully, as the rest of the class broke into titters. 
 
 `` Some of them, definitely, but that is not the lesson I want you to take away from this.'' Professor House continued. `` The lesson is, to keep your eyes and ears open. To observe what your enemy does, and not what they say.'' 
 
 `` And so, can someone summarize today's lesson for me? Yes, Ms. Granger?'' 
 
 `` Umm.. Constant Vigilance?'' Hermione asked. 
 
 `` Not bad, not bad at all. But I have a much more, shall we say, pragmatic way of putting it.'' 
 
 He got off his table, and limped his way back to the blackboard, and completed his unfinished line. 
 
 RULE # 1: EVERYBODY LIES. 
 
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 Edit: Holy shit GOLD! Thanks everyone for the love. I'll go against my better judgement and try my hand at an unplanned sequel. 
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 Edit2: I just lost whatever I ’ d written out by an accidental “ back ” button press T_T. Here we go again, continuing from where we left off. Just to set some background, this is set in an alternate timeline, and we ’ re in Harry ’ s fourth year of school. I hope this does not ruin the first part. 
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 “ One of you, at least, ” House said, as he started walking around the table and to the back of the room “ seems to have some aptitude for Defense Against the Dark Arts. ” 
 
 He stopped near Harry ’ s table, leaning against the wall. People turned to look at him, while Hermione beamed expectantly. 
 
 “ Draco Malfoy, ” he continued “ made a remarkable comment, about both my leg, which is a source of some discomfort to me; and Mr. Weasley ’ s financial situation, which I can ’ t imagine makes him too happy. The ability to make such differential observations, is what sets apart a great Auror from the rest of the pack. ” 
 
 Hermione ’ s face fell, Ron ’ s rapidly turned the color of his hair, and Malfoy ’ s jaw dropped as House brought out a couple of pills and expertly flicked one into his mouth. “ Fortunately for me, I have Vicodin to keep me happy. Would you also like to try some? ” he said, as he held out his palm in front of Ron ’ s face. Ron continued staring ahead, determined not to give the man any more fodder. 
 
 “ No? No matter. All the more for me. ” He closed his eyes and swallowed the remaining pill as the rest of the class looked on, afraid to speak up for being the next target of this new teacher ’ s sharp tongue. 
 
 “ Well? ” he barked suddenly. “ What more do you want from me? Isn ’ t one lesson a day enough for you brats? Would you like me to do a jig for you? It ’ ll be really funny because I ’ m a cripple. ” 
 
 People jumped up and filed out of the classroom, led by a very confused-looking Draco Malfoy. 
 
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 Next part: http: //www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/comments/2itnfs/eu_hogwarts_has_a_new_defense_against_the_dark/cl5yat7
