[ WP ] You 're a dragon . You and your fellow dragon nerd buddies gather on Fridays to play `` Houses & Humans '' .

`` Okay, I'm gon na need you to make a to-hit roll, the bathroom's To-Clean AC is bumped up because your roommate, the human Stoner ( level seven ) Skunky Pete, ate Taco Bell last night. So let's see, base of fifteen, plus seven, plus another five, for a total of twenty-seven.'' 
 
 `` Dammit! Why the hell did you have make *another* Stoner, Batramag! All they do is screw up the game! This is bullshit, I'm tired of these stupid side antics!'' Gurdrimar the ( not so ) Great Wyrm of the Dismal Forest bemoaned his character's fate. 
 
 `` Just roll, Gurdy. The bathroom stinks like a ton of human shit and Skunky Pete is passed out in the tub. He's useless, so there's no teamwork roll.'' 
 
 `` Wait, he's out? Hey, I think I remember reading about lye, could I give him, like, a lye bath?'' 
 
 `` The fuck?'' blurted Batramag, the Vile. He lived in the Accursed Swamp of Ever-Rot, and smelled like it. `` You seriously are n't going to *melt* my character. Salizan, you are n't going to let him do this, are you?'' Smoke curled from the Vile's nostrils. 
 
 Salizan held up a claw. `` Now, we do allow PvP actions here, but there's a few things that need to be cleared first.'' He did n't get to go on. 
 
 `` I'm waking up, and *I'm* killing him! It's just a nasty bathroom, geez.'' 
 
 `` Okay, you ca n't just'wake up', Batramag. You're asleep, you smoked too much of the happy plant the humans oh so love, Marijuana.'' Salizan had a slight tone of mirth to his voice. 
 
 `` Oh, and before he can try some sort of wake up BS, I cut his throat. Our other roommate, that NPC level four Hipster, is always going on about his straight razor, and how it just is n't the same to use another razor. I'm slicing up some Skunky Pete, and then I'm going to get a hot bath going!'' Gurdrimar seemed pleased with himself. 
 
 `` Okay, you cut his throat. That's an automatic kill, sorry Batramag. Skunky Pete is dead.'' 
 
 `` Can I haunt him?'' 
 
 `` No, this is plain old *Houses & Humans*, I do n't go for any other fantasy crap. The mundane struggle! The frailty of being human! There's the real challenge to overcome. Oh, and no need to make an Alignment check, Gurdy, you go straight from Mild-Mannered Suburbanite to Depraved Homicidal Maniac.'' Gurdrimar seemed poised to argue, but Salizan pressed forward. `` And next move, genius. Where are getting the lye?'' 
 
 `` Oh, that's easy. We have some drain cleaner.'' Gurdrimar seemed mostly pleased with the turn of events. 
 
 `` It's not enough.'' 
 
 `` Okay, I go and buy more. Geez, and I'll loot Skunky Pete's wallet to boot. Let that bastard pay for his own clean. I grab his Debit Card and keys. Not like he needs an automobile anymore, right? Boom, gone. Buying more, a cart full at least.'' 
 
 Salizan blinked a few times, then nodded. `` Ooookay. So the first problem is going to be Pete drives, sorry *drove* stick, which means manual manipulation of the driving gear. I know, I know,'' he waved off a burgeoning argument. `` I did n't make this stuff up, I just run. The humans make things with their `` Technology'', it's just another word for Magic, I know. Still, he went stick. I'm going to be nice and let you manage to lurch to a store. Next problem, smart guy. You're covered in blood. According to the sourcebooks, and to many a lunch of my own, you chomp down or cut the throat of a human and it geysers blood. Everywhere. So you, the bathroom, now the car, are covered in Skunky Pete blood. You walk into the store and the immediately call the human authorities.'' 
 
 `` Shit, I would n't have done it then!'' cried Gurdrimar. Batramag started to laugh. 
 
 `` Too late, and no take-backs. Given your appearance you are beaten, pepper sprayed, and tasered. And,'' Salizan made a roll before continuing, `` Ooh, seems like it just is n't our day. I rolled on the Taser Fatality Chart, and I got a 3. That's in the bracket for Freak Accidental Death. Sorry.'' Salizan sat back. 
 
 `` Man, I hate this game!'' Gurdrimar roared. `` Fucking humans, and their bullshit laws and weakness! That's it, I'm out!'' He slithered towards the exit. 
 
 `` Oh come on, it's just a game. Where are you going?'' Salizan called after him. Batramag was still chuckling a bit. 
 
 `` To that human village across the river. All this talk of blood and killing's got me hungry. You guys in?'' 
 
 Salizan and Batramag looked at each and then nodded. `` Yeah, I could go for a few peasants, and maybe a horse or two.'' And with that the three friends set out for a late night snack. 
 
 THE END, but stayed tuned for next week's exciting episode when Salizan springs a Prom Night module on the guys!
