[ WP ] `` You had ONE job ! '' both Satan and God scream at you .

The line to the pearly gate stretched as far as the eye could see. Further really, considering that Chris didn ’ t have eyes anymore. Despite the DMV like wait, things seemed to be moving quickly. The guy behind him was fidgeting. Chris tapped his arm. “ Hey, you ok? ” 
 
 The guy behind him responded “ Yeah, I ’ m just… you know, they said it would be different. ” His accent was so thick it sounded like a different language, but he was perfectly understandable. 
 
 Chris held out his hand “ I ’ m Chris ” 
 
 “ Harikiran. ” 
 
 “ Different? How? ” 
 
 “ They said that we didn ’ t get an afterlife until we achieved nirvana. I gained too much karma this life for that. ” It was a different language. 
 
 “ Oh, so you were expecting to be sent back right away? ” 
 
 “ Of course. ” 
 
 Chris was about to ask another question when St. Peter tapped him on the shoulder. “ Am I interrupting something? ” 
 
 “ No, sir. Saint. Angel... Sir ” 
 
 “ Alright, let ’ s see what ’ s in store for you then. ” St. Peter flipped over the book a few times and hmmd a few times. “ One second. ” With that, the Archangel disappeared in a wisp of feathers. 
 
 Harrikan tapped him on the shoulder. “ I guess they ’ re gon na send you back, you do anything this life? ” 
 
 “ Not really, I just kind of hung out in my parents house my entire life. No kids, no job… Lots of video games though. ” 
 
 “ Then you should be a shoe-in for the afterlife. Did you experience oneness at all? ” 
 
 “ Not really, I found a twenty in my jeans once and that was kind of the peak. ” 
 
 The floor opened up and belched smoke and flame. A man in a dapper suit rode an escalator up to the clouds and looked around. He narrowed his eyes at Chris. “ You. ” 
 
 Chris looked around and turned to Harrikan. “ You messed up man. That ’ s why you ’ re not reincarnating. ” 
 
 “ But I was a good man! You ’ re the one he wants, you moocher. I ’ m sure mooching is one of your fifty eight sins that makes god angry and baby jesus cry, right? That or sweat pants. You should have moved out when you grew your first ball hair and got a job like everyone else. ” 
 
 “ I tried that once but I got fired when the manager caught me chugging a gallon of milk. ” 
 
 “ You got fired over a gallon of milk? ” 
 
 Chris frowned at the memory. “ Milk doesn ’ t stay down. I was fired when I left it all over him. ” 
 
 “ Still, mooching. I don ’ t think it ’ s a deadly sin but it sucks for you. ” 
 
 The pearly gates opened up and Saint Peter and an impossibly bright man strode through. The angel pointed at Chris and God strode forward. 
 
 Chris held up his hands. “ Listen I didn ’ t kill anybody, and if you ’ re going to send me to hell for masturbating… ” 
 
 It was clear that Satan had enough of waiting and stepped forward. At the same instant they both shouted “ YOU HAD ONE JOB! ” 
 
 “ I know, I got fired when sprayed a gallon of milk over the manager. ” 
 
 “ What? Oh me damn it, no. Not that. ” 
 
 Satan put a hand on God ’ s chest and pushed him back. “ I ’ ve got this. I ’ m used to dealing with mortals. ” He cleared his throat. “ We have to send you back. ” 
 
 Harrikan whispered “ Reincarnated, guess all that masturbating built up SOME karma. ” 
 
 Satan shook his head. “ No, we sent you to earth to do one job and you failed. ” He held up his hand. “ Not the grocery store job, but you failed at that one too. You were supposed to lead the armies of the world in a battle to end all battles. ” 
 
 “ I did that. I totally won that Civ 5 game against 7 AIs. It was epic. Took weeks. I think that was the third longest time I went without a shower. ” 
 
 “ Oh… This place help me. You were supposed to unite the world! Didn ’ t you hear the whispers of destiny? ” 
 
 “ That ’ s what those were? My parents put me on some pills for that. They died down pretty quick after that. ” 
 
 “ IT WAS YOUR DESTINY! ” 
 
 “ Yeah, I played that too, it was kind of fun but then it turned all grindy. ” 
 
 Satan started to respond but but back his words. 
 
 “ You were the Anti-Christ! You were supposed to bring humanity together which would unite heaven and hell. ” 
 
 “ Uhh… Sorry? ” 
 
 “ No sorry! You are going to go back down there and unite the world under your rule and march out to the plane of armageddon. ” 
 
 “ Like for real? My parents won ’ t be too happy about me moving out. ” He stood an inch taller, “ I ’ m their little Chrissy Poo. ” 
 
 “ Yes… ‘ for real ’ and I ’ m sure they ’ ll cope. ” 
 
 “ Can I bring Harrikan here? We ’ re like best buddies now! ” 
 
 Harrikan ended his brief moment of silence. “ What? No! Don ’ t send me back with Chris here! ” 
 
 Satan leveled a gaze at Harrikan. “ Says here you mooched that one time. ” 
 
 “ What? No! I didn ’ t mooch! I slept on my parents couch for a few weeks while I was home from unviersity. ” 
 
 “ Mooching is mooching. ” 
 
 Harrikan bit his lip and a vein was popping out of his heavenly forehead. “ Fine, I ’ ll go. ” 
 
 “ Then it ’ s settled. ” Satan turned to Chris. “ You go down there and end this world, young man. ” 
 
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 You can follow the continued adventures of Anti-Chris here: [ Part 2 ] ( https: //www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/comments/5n8ygx/wp_you_are_given_3_million_an_infinite_supply_of/dc9powi/ )
