[ WP ] Tell me the story of Jeremy Smith , the world 's worst detective .

Jeremy sat alone at his desk, bobbing aimlessly in the blue light of his computer screen. The TV echoed through the house, from the living room to his office, keeping him company in the absence of other voices. He called it his office, but to be fair, it was really just where his computer sat. Where his papers lay. Where his bed was, it was in fact his bedroom. His small, dark, one windowed bedroom. And that window didn ’ t even look out onto the street, it stared sadly at the interior patio of his apartment block. The window blind always half-drawn, as if his sad one bedroom apartment had one lonely, lazy eye. “ Office ” sounded grander, though, more important, more befitting a detective of stature, professional almost! 
 
 
 “ The case of the stolen USB ” …no, “ The curious theft of the iPhones! ” …oh oh… ” The iPhone ring…of thieves….no, traffickers who…. ” Jeremy tailed off. It wasn ’ t so easy coming up with new cases all the time. How do the other detectives do it? He hadn ’ t updated his blog in two weeks, no new cases. He was all out of ideas, and his followers would be all out of faith if he didn ’ t feed them something soon! He needed something. He logged into Google analytics. 300 new visitors in 4 weeks. They cost him 83 $ on Adwords. And not one of them left a comment…stayed for more than 5 seconds…sent him an email…picked up the dammed phone…or did anything at all! 
 
 
 He stared and the dying Bonzi tree on his desk. “ What do you want ” he shouted. He had given it water, plenty of water. It was out of the direct sunlight on his desk. It had space and a nice pot, yet it was still dying. What more did it need? Conversation, music? He laughed. Did he need to take it to the park now and again, to the cinema, for a nice meal? Perhaps it just needs to toughen up. It needs a pair of balls, so to speak. No it will be fine, it ’ s a bit of a shit-hole this flat, but it has character, and that ’ s what the Bonsai needs to toughen it up. It will learn to survive. It will become a fighter and come out stronger! 
 
 He threw his pen on the table and walked into the sitting room. Some skinny chick was on the TV talking about a new wonder cream that peeled off the years miraculously. In reality she was talking about herself. How her parents never loved her enough, how her relationships hadn ’ t worked out, how her grades in school were never in line with her potential and how she had to continuously and shameless seek the approval of any stranger who would listen to her drivel. She obviously didn ’ t say it in those words, but Jeremy could discern it from looking at her. And listening to her going on and on and on. And that fact that she was on a day time TV selling hand cream. 
 You see, he was a good detective, he thought. Not many people can read others like him. He scowled. How the hell can she talk so much? Where does she find these words? She has talked for 5 mins now without saying anything at all! Why can ’ t I do that? He almost sunk into the floor. I should never have given up accountancy, he thought. What the hell was I thinking? I can ’ t be a detective! I had a salary, I had security. It wasn ’ t much alright, but it was enough. Enough to live on, one holiday a year, the odd meal out every now and again, I could buy the odd bottle of wine when I wanted. I could even invite the odd girl or two to dinner now and again. Not that he ever did though. His stomach grumbled, breaking his slow train of thought. I didn ’ t have to live off pasta and ketchup he murmured. 
 
 The silence that had crept through his apartment was broken by a cheerful ding from his computer. A NEW MAIL! This is it, he thought, running back to his office. The first real case! He scrambled for his mouse and opened outlook. The computer crunched and thought for a second before springing into action. “ Groupon Offers – Romantic Steak Dinner for two at 60 % off ” it read. Bugger it all, he shouted. And a steak dinner is not really romantic, is it? 
 
 He flicked back to Chrome and opened Reddit. Just two minutes, for inspiration he told himself. 
 
 Another drying leaf fell from his Bonsai. 

