[ WP ] An atheist meets Satan .

`` Welcome, John, to my casa,'' said the horned red demon in front of me. 
 
 `` What's going on and who the fuck are you?'' I demanded. 
 
 `` Language, John. Please, this might be Hell, but we're a civilized people. Would you like a cup of coffee before we begin?'' the demon began. 
 
 `` Uh no, no coffee, but could you, please, tell me what is going on?'' 
 
 `` You said'please!' See? It's not so hard to be polite, is it, John?'' 
 
 I just stared at him in disbelief. 
 
 `` Do n't worry, I get that a lot. Much more than I used to. There are so many more atheists these days. The Church would never have permitted something like that a few hundred years ago. But I'm rambling. John, I have bad new. You're dead.'' 
 
 `` I'm dead?'' 
 
 `` Afraid so, John. Turns out that cute barista you asked out has a rather murdery ex-boyfriend. He used a crow bar to split your head open. Nasty way to go, if I say so myself.'' 
 
 `` Wait, wait, wait. So I'm dead and this is the afterlife? The afterlife is actually real?'' I asked a tad too incredulously. 
 
 `` Again, afraid so, John. Seeing how you did not adhere to any religion, and in fact said if God existed, you'd call him a, quote, fucking cunt, unquote; really, language, John, you have been assigned to here. To my domain. Or as I like to call it, home.'' 
 
 `` So I'm going to be in hell for all eternity. That's a thing. Eternity.'' 
 
 `` Oh yes. I know, maddening, is n't it? You ca n't even grasp what eternity means, can you? I mean, I ca n't. So how could you? But that's why it's called Hell. Oh by the way, you can call me Luke. Officially, it's The Dark Lord Satan, but I like to keep it informal. After all, we're going to be seeing each other for a long time.'' 
 
 `` Hold up. But I was an atheist. Seeing how God does exist, why does he blame me for the fact that I used the rational mind that he gave me to deduce that God could not exist because of a lack of evidence? Seems like he should be proud of me that I used my mind not to believe in him just because someone told me to, but that rather I thought things through, and though it's obvious that I have reached the wrong conclusion, I was still using my rational mind?'' I challenged Luke. 
 
 Luke just smiled politely as he said `` We've been getting a lot of questions like that. So, I talked to God, and He, let's capitalize the H, John, decided to make a recording so that I can play this tape for anyone who asks that exact that same question.'' 
 
 Luke played the tape and at once, I was engulfed by the booming sound of God's voice, which incidentally did not sound anything like Morgan Freeman. The voice said `` To whom it may concern. At Cornell University, they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the Tunneling Electron Microscope. Now this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building blocks of the universe. The very thing that I used to create all things. They are so close to seeing what I am made of. If I were using that microscope right now, I still would n't be able to locate my interest in what you think.'' 
 
 The tape ended right there. I just sat there feeling dumbfounded. `` God's a dick,'' I finally managed. 
 
 `` Again, John, language. We really have to fix that. I was going to ask you if you would prefer to be skinned for eternity or roasted for eternity, but before we do any of that, it's clear that we need some hefty dose of magma to clean out that potty mouth of yours,'' Luke said sounding like a cross school teacher. 
 
 `` Wait, can we talk about this?'' I asked. 
 
 `` Ah, already on the third stage of grief. Keep up that attitude and you'll be accepting of your situation in no time,'' Luke said sounding much more pleasant than just a moment ago. `` We're still going to need to wash out that potty mouth of yours first though.''
