[ WP ] The `` grim and gritty '' re-boot of a beloved children 's television show goes horribly , horribly wrong . Or perhaps horribly right .

First of all, the expedition was never “ routine ”. Not only that, that fucking waterfall was scary as hell. 
 
 I had just come back from my daily trek through the forest trails behind my house in Asheville, North Carolina, when the phone rang. 
 
 There had been another Bigfoot sighting near my house again, with the neighbors swearing that they had seen a creature all covered with hair, walking around near the edge of Miller ’ s Creek. 
 
 Sasquatch? Bigfoot? In Asheville? People needed some hobbies that didn ’ t include taking acid, or smoking the good stuff that grew down on the Palmateer Farm. 
 
 I had walked around for the better part of the morning looking for signs, but had found nothing. 
 
 I walked into the house, and I have to admit, I hadn ’ t remembered leaving the side door wide open, but I suppose I could have. 
 
 I shut the door, picked up the phone, and dialed. 
 
 I had gotten a message a day before from the Krofft brothers, and they wanted to talk to me about something “ of significance ”. 
 
 Actually, I had gotten twenty three messages to be exact. In three days. 
 
 “ Going back where? ” I asked, as Sid picked up the call, knowing full well what was on their mind. 
 
 Sid spoke first. “ Well Rick, uhh, we kind of thought that maybe we could get back down below and see what the Pakuni were up to these days. With the new HD Cameras, we thought it might give the viewers a new look at their world ”. 
 
 Marty gave it a whirl on the other side of the three-way call. That's how they made phone calls. Always. “ Listen Rick, we thought this might be the right time to contact you about a trip back. You know, for closure ”. 
 
 “ You ’ re kidding right? ” I quipped. 
 
 It had been thirty-nine years since I had been there. Thirty-nine goddamned years since one of the pylons actually opened the portal back up, and I was able to get home. And honestly, if the Kroffts thought I was getting back into another rubber boat, and surfing a thousand foot waterfall ever again, they were sadly mistaken. 
 
 Never mind the real reason I could not go back. Although the show had ended its run in 1976 with a feel-good episode of our return home, the kids they got to play Will and Holly for that last episode had signed a non-disclosure form that had kept the secret safe. 
 
 But it was what the Kroffts had done to those kids a week after the final episode that had really kept the closet door shut on that one. 
 
 The truth had been shrouded in mystery for years, but it was no secret between the Krofft brothers and I, that I had pretty much traded both Will and Holly to the Sleestaks in return for the purple crystal. 
 
 The fucking purple one. The one that, no matter how many times I twisted and moved the crystals on those chessboards inside the pylons, would have never opened up the door home without it. So many viewers had thought we were always a step away from that return trip through the portal, but the truth was that without the purple crystal, we weren ’ t going anywhere. 
 
 The camera guys had brought way more food than we had, but even that couldn ’ t last forever. The filming was supposed to wrap up after two or three days, and sure, it was a big joke among the camera crew that while the talent had to eat whatever we could scrape up, they were eating gourmet food packed away on the Krofft ’ s dime. 
 
 But when that portal screw-up messed everything up, it had turned into a shit show real quick. 
 
 It was Enik that had first offered the trade. Sure, he was friendly for the cameras, but he was a sadistic son of a bitch when the crew shut down filming, and he had always looked at Holly with a glance that was maybe just a second too long. 
 
 I had to take the deal. Will and Cha-Ka had formed a partnership early on in the filming, and I was pretty sure that that Cha-Ka ’ s “ accidents ” and untimely gaffs that all but ruined our chances at being rescued, were slightly more than accidents. 
 
 The Sleestaks wanted Holly, and Cha-Ka ’ s people, the Pakuni, had their sights set on jumping the portal back to the mainland. That purple crystal was their ticket the world we had all bragged about, but in time, the girl was much more enticing. 
 
 “ It ’ s not going to happen, fellas. ” I stated as a matter of factly. “ Of course, there ’ s that other small issue that we failed to mention to the viewers the first time ”. 
 
 “ And what would that be? ” They asked at the same time. 
 
 “ Uh, maybe the fact that the camera crew and I left two people behind, sold one of them into whatever kind of deal that Enik was into, and watched the portal close as Will screamed at me to not leave him behind. ” I reminded them. 
 
 I continued. “ I told you guys I was never going back, and that is pretty much the end of it. ” 
 
 “ Well Rick, that isn ’ t quite the end of it. ” Marty replied. 
 
 Sid spoke slowly, his voice on the edge of trembling, but not quite to a stammer. 
 
 “ Rick, we are pretty sure Cha-Ka jumped the time doorway. ” He said. 
 
 “ Give me a break! ” I replied. “ That goofy bastard couldn ’ t stand up straight, let alone jump the time doorway. ” 
 
 I was about to tell the Kroffts exactly where they could stick their idea for their new Discovery Channel show, when I heard something move behind me. 
 
 I whirled around, and immediately, the phone hit the floor. 
 
 “ Hello Rick Marshall. ” Enik said with a hiss. Beside him stood Cha-Ka, who was now a fully-grown eight feet tall, and covered with hair. Fucking Sasquatch. 
 
 Enik looked just like he did when we had made the deal almost forty years ago. Like, exactly the same. Cha-ka had certainly filled out. He was built like a brick shit-house, and glared at me with angry black eyes. 
 
 “ Gnnahhhh. ”, he grunted. Forty years had apparently not grown his vocabulary quite as large as his frame. 
 
 And then, from the back bedroom, emerged Sid and Marty. 
 
 Marty looked positively giddy. Enik thrust something into the small of my back, and pushed me forward towards the front door. As I stumbled, I turned and caught a quick glimpse of the amethyst. The crystal. But how?? 
 
 I immediately made eye contact with Marty, who quickly looked away. 
 
 Marty and Sid had brand new, HD cameras in their hands, and a leather bag on each shoulder 
 
 We walked silently, single-file through the door and around to the back of the cabin. In the clearing, near the old well was a sight that caused the acrid bile in my stomach to try and forcibly exit through my mouth. 
 
 A Pylon. 
 
 Enik stood on one side of the entrance to the pylon, and Cha-Ka book-ended the opposite side. He motioned for us to walk in, and when I got inside, I quickly turned on Marty. 
 
 “ What the FUCK Marty?! ” I yelled. “ You promised me you smashed that crystal after I handed it over to you. ” 
 
 Marty stared at the ground. “ I did. ” he said quietly. 
 
 When we were all inside, Enik slid the door shut, and instantly, the far wall began to swirl. Just the edges at first, but then the whole wall began to blur, and soon, the fuzzy picture began to come into focus. 
 
 As soon as the swirling edges stopped moving, Enik lifted the crystal, and set it into the matrix table. 
 
 There was a quick flash, and then the wall opened. 
 
 Immediately, I could smell the swamp. That fucking swamp. 
 
 Marty and Sid looked at me as they stepped into the opening. 
 
 Marty smiled and pointed out towards the horizon. 
 
 “ Welcome home Rick ”. He said. 
 
 I was going back. 
 
 The Land of the fucking Lost…. 

