[ WP ] You wake up one morning to find your dog has mysteriously learned to speak , but he assumes the role of a devout preacher and only speaks about God and quotes the bible .

Last night Howard had partaken in a pleasure of the flesh, and this morning he found his dog sitting on the end of his bed staring at him. His dog is an ordinary Corgi named Cupcake. Cupcake is happy little dog that finds everything and everybody a reason to become excited and dance around the house in the way only a happy little Corgi can. With such an ordinary dog, imagine Howard ’ s surprise when Cupcake spoke to him. 
 
 “ You have sinned Howard, you must pray to God or be cast into the eternal hellfire where all sinners will be tortured ”, said Cupcake. He raised a paw in the air and continued his sermon, “ God, do not condemn this sinner, he can still mend his evil ways. With never ending prayer he shall be saved and be sent to the glorious afterlife of Heaven where he will spend eternity praising your name. Howard, repent or be smote by the almighty God, your death a warning to all sinners. ” 
 
 While any normal person would find such a display of religious verbosity from a happy little dog disturbing, Howard could only be disappointed. He bought Cupcake to overcome the grief of losing his cat Mortimer. Mortimer enjoyed handing out headbutts and purrs, almost as much as he enjoyed scratching up furniture. It had only been a month since Mortimer revealed himself as a ghost hunter and his scratching was actually a ritual used to trap ghosts. The hurt wasn ’ t just that Mortimer had lied and left, but Howard had to throw away all the ghost infused furniture because they were leaking ectoplasm. Howard could only save a leash and an empty cat bowl that reminded him of the empty hole Mortimer left in his heart. 
 
 Being used to such paranormal occurrences, Howard did not wish to engage Cupcake in his newfound religious fervor. If Howard ignored it, maybe it would just go away. “ Are you hungry Cupcake? ” Asked Howard. 
 
 “ You shall not tempt me sinner ”, said Cupcake, “ the only thing I am hungry for is the love of God and the damnation of all sinners. Repent now or God will smite you, and your teeth gnashing shall awaken the many demons of Hell. ” 
 
 “ Not even a Bacon Bite or a Scrooby Dooby? ” 
 
 “ And the owner will tempt you with promises of treats, but do not listen for he is leading you from the light of God. Muffin, Chapter 3, Verse 7. ” 
 
 “ Oh dear ”, thought Howard, “ I didn ’ t even know there was a dog Bible. ” 
 
 Howard, not one to get into arguments with dogs, jumped out of bed to get his morning cup of fruit punch. Fruit punch always cleared his mind, and this dog preacher business would need quite a few cups to sort out. 
 
 “ Sinner, your impressive nudity shall not make me stray from the path of God ”, said Cupcake. Howard, living alone, had seen no reason to sleep clothed, so like all sinners he prefered to sleep in a tight pair of white underwear, leaving nothing to the imagination. This was no ordinary pair of underwear, a perfect fit for a perfect though shameful body Howard had constructed with years of weightlifting and healthy eating. I could spend hours talking about Howard ’ s body, rippling with muscles and a scent of rugged manliness nobody could possibly resist. 
 
 “ Cupcake, you ’ re naked ”, said Howard. 
 
 “ Lying sinner! I am not naked, God gave me a fur coat to cover my shame. We are all born with original sin, so we are all naked when born. God saw it proper to give all dogs a covering. ” 
 
 “ Sounds like God didn ’ t trust you to cover up ”, Howard said under his breath. 
 
 “ What was that sinner? ” 
 
 “ I said I love God. ” 
 
 Howard dressed himself, went to the kitchen and poured himself a glass of fruit punch. He downed the first glass quickly, clearing his head of the stupor from waking up to a preaching dog. “ I wish Mortimer was here ”, thought Howard, “ he would know what to do. ” 
 
 Mortimer ’ s cat leash still hung next to the front door, next to cupcake ’ s leash. Something strange happened at that moment, perhaps it was Mortimer checking in on Howard, but Mortimer ’ s leash shook on it ’ s own, sending a jingling sound through the house. 
 
 Cupcake rushed into the room. “ Sinner, what was that sound? ” 
 
 “ It was just a leash ”, said Howard. It was at that moment he realized how he could solve this predicament. “ Not that you care about leashes any more, you won ’ t be going on walks to the park. ” 
 
 Cupcakes ears perked up. “ Sinner, what do you mean no more walks to the park? ” 
 
 “ Walking to the park is a sin because fun is Satan ’ s domain. ” 
 
 “ Sinner, I demand you take me to the park so I can preach to the sinners. ” 
 
 Howard opened the cabinets above his counter and looked in. “ Are there any good boys in here? I can only take good boys to the park. No, none up here. ” 
 
 Cupcake hopped up and down. “ Sinner, I ’ m a good boy! ” 
 
 Howard looked in the fridge and under the table. “ I can ’ t find a good boy. How can I go to the park without a good boy? ” 
 
 The agony of Howard ’ s search for a good boy sent Cupcake into a tizzy. He rolled around on the ground, barked at the front door, and hopped up and down with his paws on Howard ’ s leg. “ You forgot about me ”, said Cupcake. 
 
 “ Hey wait a second ”, said Howard, “ Cupcake ’ s a good boy. ” 
 
 “ Yes, I ’ m a good boy! ” 
 
 Howard reached down and scratched behind Cupcake ’ s ears. Cupcake flopped over onto his back, getting a good amount of belly rubs. “ Who ’ s a good boy? ” Asked Howard. 
 
 “ Me, I ’ m a good boy, I ’ m a good boy ”, replied Cupcake. 
 
 “ Who ’ s a good boy? Are you a good boy? Only good boys go on walks to the park. ” 
 
 Cupcake got back on his feet and ran to the front door and scratched on it. “ Yes, I ’ m a good boy, take me to the park, I ’ m a good boy. ” 
 
 Howard took down the leash and hooked it onto Cupcake ’ s collar. “ Come on Cupcake, we ’ re going to the park. ” 
 
 Cupcake ran around in circles, tangling his leash around Howard ’ s legs. “ Oh boy, I ’ m going to sniff everybody ’ s butt and pee on all the trees and bark at all the squirrels. ” 
 
 Untangling himself and going out the front door, Howard was quite pleased that he had solved this dog preacher problem. So pleased that he didn ’ t notice Cupcake could still talk, but we should let him think he can lead a normal life until he gets to the park.
