[ WP ] You are given a deal by a higher power that grants you eternal life . The catch ? You have to kill one person every year . If you fail do do so , even a minute too late , you will die .

I awoke in her basement, in honest-to-god shackles. Have n't seen those in a few centuries. She came down with a tray, some DVD's and a doleful expression. I had a feeling this day was coming. How she figured me out I do n't suppose I'll ever know, but she did. Quickly. 
 
 Maybe something about my unique hair color or my green eyes tipped her off. Maybe she paid attention and took seriously all those times I disguised the truth as a lie or a joke. Just toying with her, to pass the time, but she got suspicious. Then she was n't. Or at least that's how it looked. Out of nowhere, she was suddenly all-in, and would not be caught dead away from my side. Perhaps that should have told me, but every chance she had to do this just slipped by. 
 
 She was infectious. I never knew someone could make me forget all reason this way. Eventually, I was all-in too; no one could appear so genuine and not be just that. She never did anything to raise alarm; She never poured my drink or even retrieved the glasses to do so. We always cooked together. We never found ourselves in a situation we could n't escape -- even when we climbed that mountain; I thought for sure she would try and get me there if she was going to. 
 
 Even the trap was beyond my ability to anticipate: A meringue pie to the face at our engagement party. The sedative was expertly mingled with the cream. In fact, I only just figured it out before she came down. 
 
 `` Let's not lie to each other,'' she said finally, `` Let's not fight or bargain. We both know who -- what you are, and what tomorrow is,'' she sat the tray before me, and spread out the DVD's. *Coming to America*, *The Dark Knight*, *Half-Baked*, My favorites. A couple stand-up specials -- Greg Giraldo, Mitch Hedberg, Patrice O'Neal, all greats, all dead. Was that a message? 
 
 `` Sure, but at least tell me the skinny,'' I said after perusing my final entertainment, `` How did you put it all together?'' 
 
 `` Does it matter? You only have a few hours left. Let's at least try to make them somewhat pleasant,'' She said, crossing her arms and rubbing herself as if she'd caught a chill. She very decidedly did n't look my way. 
 
 `` Come on! I know you pride yourself on your skills. You WANT to tell me. What do you have to lose?'' I gave my best'comeon' stare, despite my jailer's intentions for me. 
 
 `` I saw a connection that no one else did,'' she eventually said, still not facing me, `` I saw seemingly random murders all around the world. I was able to connect you to those locations somewhere around the times.'' 
 
 `` How?'' I asked, genuinely intriqued. 
 
 `` Another day, maybe,'' She said, `` But then, you do n't have another day, do you? Which will it be?'' She pointed to the movies again. I grudgingly chose the Patrice O'neal special. After we watched that, then *The Dark Knight*, a couple others, I could n't hold back any longer. She did n't sit near enough that I could reach her, but then, she did n't seem to think I'd do her in if she did. 
 
 `` How did you fake it so well?'' I practically screamed, `` How could you never once give me a sign that you still suspected?'' 
 
 `` There's no such thing as no evidence,'' she responded, `` Just evidence we ca n't see. You could n't see my tells, but I could see yours''. 
 
 `` Lady, you are colder than I am. I never conned my marks into falling in love with me!'' I did n't care if she saw my hurt. I never expected it to end this way. Not so intimately betrayed by the one person I thought I could trust. 
 
 `` It was n't a con!'' She screamed, indignant for some odd reason, `` I never intended to fall for you, it just happened!'' 
 
 `` But you're killing me anyway! Wow, one minute you're a genius, the next, you're saying the most ill-conceived pile of horseshit imaginable,'' I laughed heartily as I had at Greg Giraldo's joke about Michael Phelps giant ears and that Rosetta Stone commercial. 
 
 `` If you knew from the start,'' I said, `` then none of it, nothing, was ever real''. 
 
 `` I was n't sure I was going to do it,'' she said, `` I did have feelings for you. There's some humanity in you still. Enough to make me see it...'' she turned away again. 
 
 `` Like I said, Co-oold!'' I responded, `` I understand you thought I was a monster, but to put me down like a dog? Chained up in your basement like what you appear to enjoy in happier moments? Never knew about the bondage stuff, by the way -- and to ambush me at our engagement party? You brought all those people in on that?'' 
 
 `` You kill people!'' she said, `` You do it to prolong your own life! And do n't act so surprised I know that. Like I said, I connected you to a long string of murders that did n't stop before when you said you were born. The 1150's? That's where the stars led me, and to the legend of a deal made by a man for eternal life. That's you is n't it?'' 
 
 `` If you know my rap sheet, then you know how I choose my victims! All of them either wanted to die, or needed to -- corrupt clergy, Spanish inquisitors, cartel enforcers, child abusers, Robespierre! And I only killed the necessary once yearly, never more!'' 
 
 `` You sanctimonious bastard!'' She said, `` You did it to escape dying! You want to accuse me of being cold, but no matter your motives, that's still 834 bodies on your count. I'm only killing one person, ever. Way I see it, that makes me 833 times better!'' 
 
 `` That's how you want to play it? Well, I guess this is it then. 24 hours, then we both get to find out if I melt into soup, or whatever!'' 
 
 `` Actually, you have till about 3:17 tomorrow afternoon''. 
 
 `` You're sure about that?'' I asked. Awful confident about something you could n't know... 
 
 `` I plotted the times of your last 50 or so murders. I noticed you never killed after a certain date, November 14th, and every murder takes place in the fall, right around that time, with a few exceptions. Not only that, but I plotted all of those murders and saw a trend. 
 
 You work on a cycle. One year it'll be a serial rapist or something, the next, it'll be a corporate shark, then a drug dealer, then a suicidal father wanting to pass on his life-insurance policy. I was able to plot the times and places, as far back as 500 years ago, and even accounted for angular momentum, and the rotation of the planet!'' Wow. She never ceased to amaze me. I wish I could have seen her work like this more often, but, que sera. 
 
 `` Goddamn. God Damn,'' I said with a low whistle. `` Remind me to never cheat on you! Oh, wait!'' 
 
 `` Get it all out, my love,'' She said, `` You have 18 hours left.'' With that, she left. The next day, she reappeared, just minutes before my literal deadline. I figured she might not have the heart to watch, but in retrospect that was a stupid thing to think, given her proven ruthlessness. 
 
 `` You called me'my love','' I said. 
 
 `` What?'' 
 
 `` You said you had, *had* feelings for me, but you called me'my love','' 
 
 `` You have 10 minutes,'' she said, before taking a seat in front of me, and simply staring. I tried every angle to confuse her, not actively begging for release or trying to con her into it, just prodding. No harm in trying. She eventually just laughed me off. Then the heart attack. People have killed me before. I always came back, but nothing hurt so much as the real deal... 
 
 `` $ 5500, as agreed,'' she said. At least that's what I think she said. I was dead, after all. 
 
 `` What happened to his pinky?'' I vaguely heard. Could n't hear the answer. When the sheet came off, it was immediately clear that I was not in a conventional morgue. Someone had been paid to dispose of my body. 
 
 `` Why did you only take 5k for this job?'' asked someone outside the room. 
 
 `` All she could spare. She promised the autopsy would be worth the cut -- Says this guy's body is like nothing we've ever seen. I think she was right.'' Part of me rejoiced. I was going to have to murder the love of my ( current ) life, but instead, she hand picked the perfect target -- an unethical scientist. 
 
 The scalpel was so sharp I was afraid it was imaginary when his neck failed to spew blood immediately. Hell, he was n't even sure he'd been cut at first. I never kill more than the requirement for my life to be spared another year, but given the time, 3:17 am, I was technically into the next calendar year of my contract. The assistant never saw it coming. 
 
 `` It's cold in this place,'' I said to her over the phone I'd taken, `` but not nearly as cold as you,'my love'''. 
 
 `` How? I had you timed down to the minute! I even confirmed it when you told me about a 3 o'clock deadline last year!'' Holy fuck that's amazing! I knew my girl was smart, but that was just overboard. 
 
 `` Yeah, but you did n't account for one thing: where I was that one time I gave you that clue. I did n't know you were keeping books that accurate on me, but that one misdirection threw you off 12 whole hours! I wonder, do you have the heart to try and find me again? You used some pretty shady disposal methods -- I doubt you even know where I am right now!'' 
 
 `` I have to stop you!'' She said with real resolve. 
 
 `` I'm glad to hear that!'' I responded gleefully `` You know, I was getting so bored I was considering just letting the deadline pass. But now, my life has purpose again! Try and stop me!'' 
 
 `` I caught you once,'' she said, `` I can do it again!'' 
 
 `` Looking forward to it. By the way, just so you know, you just bought me not one, but TWO years with that stunt! See you soon, I hope!'' 

