[ WP ] Write the letter that you always wanted to , but never did .

Dear Mum and Dad, 
 
 I never thought I could tell you. I never wanted to tell you... because how could I? 
 I did not do it to hurt you or anyone else in fact I did it so no one would have to be hurt by my actions anymore. 
 
 I tried many ways of doing it- Rope, pills, bathtub, car accident. I never succeeded though tonight I am trying again. This time I am going for a more direct approach. 
 
 I am sorry that when you read this it will be hard but one last big moment of hurt verses a life time of it does n't seem as bad to me. Just know that I love you and that I am forever thankful that you were my parents. You who have helped me so much, especially over this last year, you who have cared so deeply for me. Its why I know this letter will probably never get written in the end because I feel like a coward for doing this to you and could never face you for it. 
 
 Alan and Emily, 
 
 Do n't think I've forgotten you. You two have been great siblings. I want you to know that this is not your fault, its no one's'fault', its my fear. I always looked up to you guys so much as to even try to follow in your footsteps of going to University and meeting someone who could change my life for the better like Lucy or Cillian has for you two. 
 
 Dear friends, 
 
 I am sorry I never told you what was happening but I am abandoned in a desolate shit hole in the north too far away from any of you to make a difference. I know you care because at least on facebook you tell me you do which may sound sarcastic but to me it means a lot, messages from months ago get me up to at least eat for the day. 
 
 Steve I am so so sorry I missed your wedding, I tried so hard man I tried so fucking hard to make it there but I just could n't do it. Out of everyone and everything this was the hardest thing for me to miss. You have a son now and a wife. You have been through a lot and I was always there to help you growing up but now you do n't need me anymore. I wish I could have met your son and wife, to meet the woman who captured your heart would have been truly beautiful for me. Again I am so fucking sorry my friend. 
 
 The reason why I am doing this is because I am terrified of life. My experiences have only ever resulted in my suffering. I know everyone falls and fails but for me it seems fucking endless. The money, the threats, the loneliness, the crushing anxiety and the resulting fear of them all are too much for me to handle day to day. I know I have n't mentioned this to any of you but I have n't been able to look outside never mind go outside for two months now. I barricade myself away in my room with the door locked, lights out and curtains closed because here I feel safe. No one can get to me here, no one can find me here. 
 
 I know its wrong of me to say that I hope this does n't affect you because it most likely will, but forget me. I did n't mean enough to you for you to be here once in the past years so you should n't find it hard. 
 
 As I live in fear and loneliness so too shall I die scared and alone. One last time I'll lock the door after I get the knife from this kitchen. 
 
 I love you all but its time. 
 
 Bye Mum, Goodbye Dad, Bye Alan and Bye Emily. 
 
 I am sorry for everything x
