[ WP ] He sees you when you 're sleeping . He knows when you 're awake . And Santa , low on funds to pay his elves , has begun selling his surveillance data to the NSA .

Santa wakes up in the morning barely able to get out of bed. He stumbles to the bathroom mirror riddled with self loathing. The small amount money hed gotten didnt really fulfill him anymore. Selling data to the nsa? That idea is hack and is the kind of joke pretentious people online would make. Did i become a big bang theory punchline? 
 
 Santa opens his medicine cabinet and removes yukon cornelius's silver-plated revolver. Hed held it before but why did it feel so much heavier now? It was just a regular sized.38 but he could get it into his mouth this time. If didnt plan to do this why didnt i out the gun back in the safe? The dark thoughts often interrupted his jolly ones. In his dark nights of he soul hed think back to reindeer games to warm himself up. The light was getting dimmer and dimmer, now just barely a red nose in a foggy christmas eve's flight. Santa shed a single tear as he cocked the hammer back. 
 
 The nsa wasnt the birth of his troubles, they had always been creeping just around the corner. A child used to be happy with just a rocking horse. Now they want phones and gadgets. Santa couldnt understand that happiness. The world had gone and gotten too complicated. The nsa deal was just one poor old man final attempt to stay relevant. 
 
 `` Dammit claus we needed the files for operation feliz navidad yesterday! President elect wants those children deported by inauguration day!'' Santa's handler Agent Rawlings yelled from santas living room. Rawlings had grown increasingly pushier as the deal had gone on. 
 
 Santa let out a gun barrel muffled sigh and thought about happier times and how at least hermie couldnt see him now. Time to decock and face todays ta- 
 
 `` Claus shit or get off the pot! Lets go!'' Rawlings barked as he pounded on the bathroom door. 
 
 Rawlings likely yelled more things but were muffled by the sounds from the revolver released by that startled trigger finger. A stream of liquified coal had splattered all over the walls and mirror. Rawlings opened the door and the coal mist was still in the air. 
 
 Rawlings grabbed his cellphone. `` Command this is Rawlings, asset had been depleted. Looks like hes gon na be going down one last chimney after all.'' 
 

