[ WP ] Humans have discovered the secret to high-speed inter-planetary travel . and it is the most stupid and ridicilous thing possible

Fcklk. Fcklk. Fcklk. Scchhhhhhooooooooooop. Couuugh, Cououughhh! 
 
 `` So you're telling me, man, that like, all I have to do to trans-planetarily dimensionally travel is to put that jelly bean thing up my butt?'' 
 
 As Mark sat the bong onto the coffee table, I stared directly into his bloodshot eyes. Trying my hardest not to crack a smile, I took a deep breath to compose myself, and slowly and confidently said, `` Yes!'' 
 
 It turns out the secret to high speed inter-planetary travel comes in suppository form. Who would have thought? 
 
 `` I know it sounds ridiculous,'' I explained, `` but my dealer Greg got me some last week, and I ca n't wait to try it. He found out about it while he was down in Peru on this spirit quest thing in the jungle. These shaman spirit guides had this stuff that let them communicate with other dimensions. Crazy stuff man, but anyways, like Greg totally used it to visit the snake people of Allagash 9, and snuck me back a dozen of the jellybeans cuz I buy so much weed from him. I never woulda believed him, I said he had to prove it... but he went there man, to the snake planet! The snakes put this crazy thing on his phone now that makes everything work with no hands!'' 
 
 `` Ha, cuz snakes have no hands! Right on man! That makes sense!'' Mark was starting to get it, but still needed some convincing. 
 
 `` Yeah, they call it Siri'' I explained. `` It's like, cuz the snakes have no hands they ca n't use phones... but now they just have to talk. Greg downloaded it on my phone too! See, check it out... Siri, find me a hooker'' 
 
 `` OK, I found several Escort Services nearby'' the phone replied. 
 
 `` Wait a minute,'' Mark interjected. `` Why do snakes need hookers? I mean, they're snakes man. Ha, they do n't even like girls, right? And do n't all new iPhones have that? I think you're just messing with me man, there's no way I'm putting that jelly bean in my butt. That's messed up!'' 
 
 `` Your loss man'' I replied. `` I guess I'll do it first then. Seriously though, what do you have to lose? You afraid of some butt stuff?'' 
 
 `` No!'' Mark fired back. He sighed. `` I guess there's not much to lose, huh?'' 
 
 `` Yeah buddy, that's the spirit!'' I was ready now, the anticipation made my heard beat twice as fast... or maybe the high was coming on. Either way, it did n't matter. I had someone to try these jellybeans with! 
 
 I explained `` OK, so you just stick it up your butt and imagine where you want to go, and once it dissolves, POOF! You're anywhere in the space time fabric that you want! The only thing that sucks is that you leave your clothes behind. Ha, but the snakes are naked too. Greg told me just to look at this picture of this Gorgon and it would take us right to the snake world.'' 
 
 `` OK, I'm ready!'' Mark decided. `` Let's do this man. Count of three. Ready? Three two one go!'' 
 
 We both gave the jellybeans a good lick, and stuck them right up our butts. They must have been cherry cough drop flavored, with a hint of aluminum foil. To he honest, they tasted weird. 
 
 `` Nothing's happening'' Mark complained. 
 
 `` It takes a while'' I answered. `` Greg said you just kinda get tired and pass out, and when you wake up you're there. But hey, man, lets look at this Gorgon thing so we do n't get lost. That would suuuuuck, ha!'' 
 
 `` Yeah man, it would'' responded Mark. `` Hey do n't you think that Gorgon looks a bit mean, like I do n't know if I want to meet these snake people if they are going to be grumpy like that and ruin my high. What if they're...'' 
 
 Mark passed out on the couch without warning. Before I could think anything of it, I felt a crushing weight on my entire body, and the world went black. 
 
 -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- 
 
 I awoke slowly. My eyes did n't work at first, but my vision returned eventually and I saw two suns on the horizon. My body still did n't want to move, so I lay still and listened. I heard slithering, and voices. 
 
 `` Yessss, that one was ssssso sweet, Greg'sss done ssssplendid!'' 
 
 `` A sssplendid sservant indeed! Sold his sssoul to sssnake kind, he sssserved well!'' 
 
 Greg? My dealer? What did they mean sweet? I could see black liquid shadows in the brush around me out of the corner of my eye, but I still could't move. Man, this high was weird. I tried to call out to Mark, but my throat would't work either. 
 
 `` Sssswelll, I ssspy one ssssnnack ssstill remainssss!'' 
 
 What did that mean? I could n't take any time to ponder. I heard a noise behind me, and tried to look, but I was blinded by the two suns high overhead. As much as I tried, my legs and arms would not respond to my mind. 
 
 I felt a strong grasp around my waist, and still my body was paralyzed, useless! The grasp tightened and I could feel my ribs crushing. I was lifted up and as my head rolled forwards and the last bit of air was squeezed from my lungs I was greeted by a gaping reptilian maw and two green eyes with slits for pupils blacker than the vacuum of space. It was the last thing I ever saw as the mouth engulfed me and crushed out my light forever. 

