[ WP ] Thanks to a bureaucratic error , you are now Satan .

*I did n't ask for this. In fact, I do n't think anybody would have asked for this. And though I could always try and write this off with some pseudo-philosophical quote about having greatness thrust upon me or something about great power and great responsibility... really all I want is my old, boring, life back. * 
 
 **RRRRRNT RRRRRRNT RRRRRRNT** 
 
 The alarm sounds as I slowly blink awake to the blood red stone ceiling above my bed. Slamming my fist into the top of the cheap, faux wood, motel room style alarm clock silences the grating buzzer that has awoken me from my one false nightmare to this real one. Two weeks now I've awoken to that damn alarm, two weeks of getting out of this bed made out of human bones, two weeks of brushing my teeth and shaving my face with blood instead of water... and to think my ex said I was n't ever open to trying new things. 
 
 I guess I should back up to how I got here in the first place. It was a pretty normal Wednesday for me. I was a low level pencil pusher for EA Games. My day consisted of coffee, greasy food, and budget spreadsheets. It was dull, it was simple, it was easy. I was n't a man of any particularly great ambition, always satisfied with the same work, the same desk, the same view, nothing could break me from my habits, or at least that's what I thought. It all started with an email. 
 
 **Important Check In: Urgent** 
 
 I still remember that subject line, the email that landed me in a literal circle of hell. 
 
 `` You needed to see me?'' I said tentatively poking my head in my boss' door. 
 `` Yes! Dave, please come in, have a seat. Oh and shut the door behind you'' 
 
 *This was never good* 
 
 `` So as you know, there's been a bit of a re-org in our accounting department. We've had to let go a number of good employees already...'' 
 
 *They could n't have been that good... * 
 
 `` But the good news is, there are a number of exciting new positions that you are qualified for. So I've gone and gotten you a promotion!'' That caught my attention. 
 
 `` I'm sorry... what? You're promoting me?'' 
 I sputtered, trying to sound intelligent. 
 
 `` Yes Dave, we're making you a department head. You'll have your own team, your own office, even your own bathroom. It's a huge step up and we just ca n't take No for an answer here Dave. So what do you think?'' 
 
 That smile. That obligatory boss-smile. You know the one that never quite reaches a person's eyes? That's what was sitting across the desk from me. 
 
 `` Uh... yeah I gues-'' 
 `` Great! This promotion is effective immediately, we've already got people moving your desk, so let me show you to your new digs!'' 
 
 Edit: I'm going to keep going in pieces.
