[ WP ] Captain Obvious , Sargent Sarcasm , and Admiral Asshole are in a room together

Admiral Asshole cleared his throat, `` Gentlemen, as you no doubt have heard, Canada is refusing to allow our government to build an oil pipeline through downtown Toronto. Congress has voted unanimously to declare war, and we need to develop a battle plan in the next six hours, so we can get the jump on those puck-sucking, wannabe-French, Molson-swilling, maple-monkeys.'' Spittle flew from the Admiral's lips, and he pounded the table for emphasis. 
 
 
 
 Captain Obvious furrowed his thick brow, `` Six hours is not enough time to develop a war plan.'' 
 
 
 
 `` I think we'll be alright,'' Sargent Sarcasm replied, leaning back in his chair and putting his boots on the table. `` I met the Canadian military once. He's a nice guy.'' 
 
 
 
 Admiral Asshole's face was red and his neck veins were already bulging, but he maintained his composure. `` Listen up, ladies. This is not going to be a walk in the park. You're here because you are the greatest strategic minds the US Army has to offer; God help us. Now, let's start with vulnerabilities.'' 
 
 
 
 `` Penguins, sir,'' said Sargent Sarcasm. `` I do n't think we have any established strategy for taking out herds of penguins with bombs strapped to their chests-'' 
 
 
 
 Captain Obvious could n't contain himself, `` No! We do n't need to worry about penguins! They live in the southern hemisphere... Unless, they have a large zoo population in Canada-'' 
 
 
 
 `` JESUS CHRIST!'' shouted Admiral Asshole, `` That's enough about penguins.'' 
 
 
 
 `` Oh, but there's one more thing,'' Captain Obvious interrupted. `` I do n't think a group of penguins is called a herd. I'm pretty sure they'd be called a flock... or maybe not, since they do n't fly.'' 
 
 
 
 `` Captain, if you say one more GODDAMN word about penguins, I will use this fist right here to give you additional brain damage. Am I understood?'' The Admiral held his huge clenched fist right under the nose of a trembling Captain Obvious. 
 
 
 
 Sargent Sarcasm pulled his feet off the table, and fell into a normal sitting position. `` Tremendous show of force, sir. I believe this should be our first move against the Canadians.'' 
 
 
 
 The Admiral spun in the Sargent's direction, but before he could speak, Captain Obvious chimed in, `` I do n't see how he could put his fist in EVERY Canadian's face. Oh, maybe he could just do the Prime Minister! But it would have to be on TV, like maybe during a hockey game?'' 
 
 
 
 Admiral Asshole could not decide which subordinate to attack, so he threw his briefing binder out the open window with a growl. 
 
 
 
 `` I agree, sir! We should discard conventional tactics and hit the Canadians with something they could n't possible expect,'' said Sargent Sarcasm. 
 
 
 
 For a moment, the Admiral allowed himself to believe that his Sargent might actually have something to contribute. He straightened his uniform and, with considerable restraint, said, `` The next thing I hear had better a reasonable strategy of attack, you pathetic piece of shit.'' 
 
 
 
 Sargent Sarcasm nodded calmly. `` Well, as you know, it has been shown scientifically that your average Canadian has a capacity for reason that is equivalent to that of a Golden Retriever. I suggest that we put up signs and billboards throughout Toronto that say'Welcome to Buffalo.' The Canadians will believe they are in the wrong city, wander North, and succumb to hypothermia in the frozen wastelands of the Arctic.'' 
 
 
 
 `` Unless they are eaten by Polar Bears first!'' yelled Captain Obvious, clapping his hands. 
 
 
 
 Admiral Asshole sneered, and stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him. 
 
 
 
 `` He did n't like your idea,'' Captain Obvious stated. 
 
 
 
 Sargent Sarcasm replied, `` Well, Captain, not every war is as simple as Iraq and Afghanistan.''
