[ WP ] It 's cute when your kid sends Santa a letter . It 's surprising when Santa sends a letter back . It 's worrying when the two become regular pen pals . And it 's horrifying when you start reading the letters yourself ...

Dear Santa: 
 
 I know you mean well, but I'm kinda tired of clothing and oranges. Do n't get me wrong; of course, I'm happy to get anything at all. But you see, I really just do n't need any more jeans, I've hardly worn down the one's from two years ago and I do n't expect to hit my big growth spurt anytime soon. ( Unfortunately, my 6-year-old body has n't caught up with my 8 years of life experience yet and I do n't expect it to for a while. ) What I'm getting at is that I'm in need of something a little bit more mature. I think this year the best thing you could do is give me some advice on how I can get this girl Penny to go out with me. I do n't know but I expect to see results before the 25th otherwise there will be no cookies. 
 
 Yours, 
 John Braken 
 
 P.S. The last statement is not a bribe or a threat. You can look at it as more of an incentive or reward. 
 
 
 John, 
 
 I'm glad you wrote me. It get's pretty lonely over here and I often feel a bit stir crazy because I never get to seen any of that lush greenery you take for granted. All my surroundings are gray and everyone wears the same outfit. A guy can only take so much of the same every day. I only get to visit once a year. Imagine that!? So, I'll take you up on the offer but only so long as you bring the cookies to me. Deal? 
 
 Now, as for the clothes and oranges. I have no idea what's up with that. As for the girl, I can tell you right now, I have some great advice to share with you and I'll start with this: Fedora. Girls love em. Now beyond that, I'll need you to fill me in on the details. What's she like? What's she look like?; ) What's the status between you two? Have you talked? Does she even know who you are? Etc... 
 
 Regards, 
 Santos 
 
 
 Dear Santa, 
 
 I could n't be more pleased with this turn of events! 
 
 I'm happy work something out with respect to this arrangement, however, I believe we'll have to debate this a little more. I do n't think my mom would be able to drive me some where so far just to give you cookies. Plus, do you really want just anyone knowing where you live? I mean, think about the repercussions. I think it's in both our best interest that we consider this further. 
 
 Penny! What can I say? She is beautiful! she has long brown hair, honey colored eyes, cinnamon skin and the most wonderful smile you've ever seen. She is really nice most of the time but she can be really bossy. And she's very smart. We talk at school sometimes but I do n't know if she likes me. She's taller than me. Does that matter? 
 
 Look forward to hearing from you! 
 
 Yours, 
 John 
 
 
 John, 
 
 What a relief it was to receive this letter in the mail today! We all have to share in the labor around here and today was my day doing laundry. It was so boring and I almost lost it folding all those little identical uniforms. It reminds me of the fact that I do n't get to see anyone except these fools all year round well until that one special day a year. 
 
 I ca n't imagine it's that far for your mom as I imagine these are some special cookies. I would n't worry about the media. But if it's too far for you, what we can do is have you send those cookies to a P.O. Box ( address on the back ) where my guy on the outside can get them to me on the hush-hush. Let me know if that works for you? 
 
 Penny, wow she sounds like a real goody-two-shoes. Maybe she's not the right girl for a guy like you? But, do n't let my pessimism hold you back. Either way, no girl has ever turned down Santos. I can help you get any girl you could ever dream of. 
 
 Now, about that fedora, did you get one yet? 
 
 Regards, 
 Santos 
 
 
 Santa, 
 
 I'm glad I can be an encouragement to you considering what you do for so many of us out here. You're a real inspiration and you do n't get the credit you deserve. It's just too bad most people do n't really even know how big of a deal you are or that you even exists.: ( 
 
 I'll send the cookies to the P.O. Box. Let me know what you think of them? Also, Just curious: why do n't I just send the cookies to the same place I send my letters? Also, how do these get to you at the N. Pole If the address is a US address? This seems super complicated. 
 
 I like Penny. There's something special about her. When she looks at me I just know she's the one. Now, what's something I can do now to get the ball rolling on this? Cause, see, I ’ d love to send you those cookies! ☺ 
 
 Yours, 
 John 
 
 
 John, 
 
 Nice to hear from you again! Especially today of all days, it ’ s my birthday. 
 
 Ok, yeah, let ’ s get this ball rolling. 
 
 You need to claim the girl as yours whether she likes it or not. You take what you want. That ’ s what real men do. Second, you need to scare off any other guys who might be interested in her. You need to get tough. Use physical aggression and violence as much as you can and never fight fair. Do you want her or not? Then you need to just take her. She ’ s yours for the taking. 
 
 Let me know how it goes. 
 
 Looking forward to the cookies. 
 
 Regards, 
 Santos 
 
 P.S. You could become a wonderful rapist one day if you let me help you along the way. I ’ d love to mentor you. Let me know what you think. 
 
 
 
 Santa, 
 
 Boy, did that advice work or what!? Wow, you know what you ’ re talking about. I ’ m sorry it ’ s taken me so long to reply; I ’ ve been enjoying the benefits of your guidance. I never thought being a tough guy would be so nice. 
 
 Now It ’ s my turn to keep up my end of the bargain. I ’ ve sent the cookies as we agreed. I hope you like them! They ’ re made according to my mom ’ s special recipe. 
 
 I love rap. I ’ ve always thought how great it would be to be a rapper when I grow up. I just don ’ t know if I could really do it. I mean besides that, my parents don ’ t think it ’ s a good idea either, they say It ’ s not a respectable career. 
 
 I ’ d love to learn more. 
 
 Looking forward to your next letter, 
 
 
 Yours, 
 John 
 
 P.S. Why do you spell your name like that? I always thought it was Santa. 
 
 

