[ WP ] You find a power ring , capable of almost unimaginable feats , powered by ... the emotion you are *least* in touch with .

`` Okay, so you're saying this magic ring is powered by my love for my fellow man. How exactly do I-'' 
 
 `` No, not love for your fellow man, but by your love for a man.'' 
 
 I looked at him blankly, not comprehending. `` My love for a man,'' I awkwardly repeated. 
 
 `` Yes, if you look at another man, and your very soul is filled with love for him, the ring will be energized and grant you any wish or desire.'' 
 
 `` Um, define love. Like if I looked at my basketball league teammate and thought, wow, I really love having this guy on my team-'' 
 
 `` No, no, no. A much more intense love. A sexual kind of love. A desire to make love to him. To bond body and soul, to reach the ultimate climax.'' 
 
 `` Woah, I'm a guy.'' 
 
 `` Yes, of course.'' 
 
 `` No, you do n't understand, I'm hetero. I mean I'm totally fine with gay guys, support marriage for them and equal rights, but they're not my cup of tea in the relationship department. They do nothing for me personally.'' 
 
 `` Well, you'll have to overcome that if you want to unleash the unlimited power of the ring.'' 
 
 `` No, you do n't understand. I love women. Men... nothing. Zilch. Even when I watch porn, I prefer woman on woman than watching some guy suddenly pulling out his wang. I watch the girl's boobs flopping around while he's banging her, I do n't watch the guy. Total turn off for me.'' 
 
 `` So, again, if you want to utilize the power of this ring, you will need to develop a love for men.'' 
 
 `` Um, I hate to break it to you, but I just do n't think that's going to happen for me.'' 
 
 `` Well, then all you have is a nice fashion accessory, and not much more.'' 
 
 `` Yeah, as a fashion accessory it would look kind of gay too.'' 
 
 `` So, take a look at a man, get turned on, and you will have unlimited-'' 
 
 `` I- I- do n't think you're hearing me. The chances of that happening are pretty much nada.'' 
 
 `` Then, you're only limited by your own reluctance.'' 
 
 I let out a deep sigh. `` You know, you genies always have trick conditions whenever someone asks for something. First I find your lamp, rub it, and I'm told I only get one wish, not three. So I ask for a ring of power like the one in the Lord of the Rings, and now you tell me it's powered by gay love. Sauron was not gay.'' 
 
 `` Yes he was.'' 
 
 `` No he was n't, I read the books, nowhere did it ever say he was gay.'' 
 
 `` That was edited out of the American editions. In the original British editions, he was very gay. For gods sake man, Tolkein was British. Gayness is a way of life for them. Frodo and Sam and the dwarves... all gay.'' 
 
 `` Damn. I do n't see how I can ever make this work.'' 
 
 `` Well, it's your problem now. I'm done here. Thanks for releasing me from the lamp. Enjoy your ring!'' 
 
 As the genie puffed away, I looked at the ring. Damn, this would have to be hard, would n't it. No pun intended.
