[ WP ] [ CW ] A lazy Sunday afternoon where nothing exciting happens

`` Hey, babe.'' 
 
 `` Hey.'' 
 
 `` What are you reading?'' 
 
 ``'Killing Patton', O'Reilly's book.'' 
 
 ``... Seriously?'' 
 
 `` I know. They scheduled me an interview with him for sweeps next month, I figure I ought to get at least halfway through.'' 
 
 `` The girls and I do n't have to be a part of that one, do we? Dude creeps me out.'' 
 
 `` No, it's just going to be a quick 20-minute job. I think they're doing it mostly so they can get some new stock footage of me looking angry.'' 
 
 `` You counting the days yet?'' 
 
 `` I still got 2 years here, girl!'' 
 
 `` I know, but... with the midterms over, things will settle down, right? I mean they'll still be the normal stuff, but we do n't have a campaign to worry about, and Hillary will be ramping her campaign up and taking the spotlight. I'm just saying, maybe we could find some excuses for a couple extra days away somewhere? Any trade conferences in Paris or Italy or something?'' 
 
 `` I do n't know....Yeah, maybe we could find something. I mean, they'd throw a fit about us spending money if we went down to Wendy's for a burger, might as well do it up right, huh?'' 
 
 `` You know what you should do? You should announce that you're going on sabbatical. Just schedule a presser like it's any other Wednesday, walk out there and be like'Yeah, I think I'm gon na head off to NoCal for a few months, recharge the batteries, find my center, work on my novel, you know?''' 
 
 `` Ha! Even better, just walk out there in a Hawaiian shirt and sunglasses, and be like'Where's my Mai Tai, bitches? If I am not hammered by 10am I am gon na nuke the hell out of something! Who's doin' shots with me?''' 
 
 `` Oh Jesus. It would almost be worth it just to see Hannity's reaction. Can you imagine? I think he might start drinking, right there on the air!'' 
 
 `` Oh! I did n't tell you this story I do n't think! I was talking to Joe Sampson - you know Joe from the detail - and his dad. Turns out his old man - umm, Robert I think his name was - his dad was in the Service too, back in the day. So he brings his dad in to meet me and we're talking, and Roberts starts telling me this story about being on Gerald Ford's detail in'76. So it's like September of'76 and Gerald is in the middle of the campaign and the stress is getting to him, so one night he orders up a bottle of Jack and he just ties one on. Like, real sloppy drunk. So Robert takes it upon himself to stay in the room with Gerald, because, you know, ca n't let the President of the United States choke on his own vomit, right? Gerald is downing shots one after the other and Robert is nursing a beer, and suddenly Gerald decides that he needs to address the nation.'Wake up the staff, Robert, call the press corp, this ca n't wait!' The man can barely stand up, but he's bound and determined that he needs to address the nation. So finally Robert gets Gerald's attention long enough to ask what the hell the big emergency is, and Gerald says to him,'It's the aliens, Robert! I need to tell the people about the aliens!''' 
 
 `` He did not! You're shitting me!'' 
 
 `` Hand to God, this is the story as told to me by former Secret Service Agent Robert Sampson. So there's Robert, holding up this mess of the Most Powerful Man in the World, and Gerald is still insistent. He's got to get on the TV and tell everyone the truth! This goes on for like half an hour, Robert says, and some of the other staff are starting to wake up and coming to find out what's going on. Finally, Gerald starts to calm down a bit, and I guess they manage to get him into bed where he passes out. He wakes up the next day with a hangover, but otherwise is fine, and says nothing about aliens, or gives any indication that he remembers the previous night. Robert, for his part, does n't say anything about it either, and things go on as normal.'' 
 
 `` So, Gerald Ford just up and decided that the US government was hiding secrets about aliens, even though there are no aliens. I mean, right? No aliens?'' 
 
 `` Of course there are no aliens, but see, that's the thing... what you're feeling right now, that's exactly what Robert described. Because you ca n't really be sure, right? There's Robert, he's with the President literally every day, he's pretty sure there have never been any conversations or meetings about aliens... but sometimes he's not allowed in the room, right? Sometimes he does n't see the contents of papers the President reads. As he's following the President down the hall, trying to keep him from running into a table and breaking a ten thousand dollar vase, he's thinking'Christ, what if he's not just drunk here? What if this is real?''' 
 
 ``....You're terrible. You're making this up just to screw with me, get me thinking like that!'' 
 
 `` I will call Joe in here right now and have him tell you the story again.'' 
 
 `` Whatever....I wish people could see this side of you more often. You're loving this.'' 
 
 `` You still do n't believe me, do you? You're going to make me call Joe's house on his day off, and probably wake up his newborn, are n't you?' 
 
 `` I'm not sure what I believe....but do n't you dare call him up, this can wait until tomorrow. But you better believe I'm going to talk to him first when he gets here. Make sure you two do n't get your stories straight.'' 
 
 `` I wo n't say a word to him until you tell me it's OK.'' 
 
 `` All right....you want a snack or something? Beer, maybe?'' 
 
 `` So I'll tell you everything I know about the aliens?'' 
 
 `` If Joe does n't know anything about this story tomorrow, you and I are going to have words, Mister. I know some secrets too, you know!'' 
 
 `` Heh, yeah, I know you do.''
