[ WP ] You are representing Pope Francis in the case of God v. Catholic Church . He is suing them for copyright violation .

I'll admit it, I was drunk when I got the idea. It was late at night in my plush apartment, and I was sitting naked on the couch watching infomercials on TV while scrolling absentmindedly through my phone. I had just finished the last of the gin when the ad for the latest miracle cleaning product ended, and a televangelist came on. He started spewing the same holy roller crap they all do, and as he started quoting scripture, I idly thought, `` Whoever wrote this stuff is out a lot of money for everyone copying his stuff.'' 
 
 I passed out on the couch after that, but had some weirdly vivid dreams of being in court with Pope Francis on the witness stand. I woke up with a massive hangover and an idea that just would n't leave. It was ridiculous, and utterly without basis in law. But it would be the perfect way to embarrass all those religious nuts out there: have God sue the Catholic Church for copyright infringement. 
 
 The twisted beauty of it was not the idea of getting the Catholic Church to shell out a fat stack of cash for actual copyright violations. No, it was forcing them to defend against a perfectly worded complaint. The easy way to defeat a copyright claim was to say that the subject was public domain - which under U.S. law happens 75 years after the author's death. Was the Catholic Church prepared to say God had been dead for 75 years? Another defense is that the plaintiff is n't the actual author or holder of the copyright. Was the Catholic Church prepared to admit that God did n't write the Bible? 
 
 So I found a bum on the street who said he was God himself, and filed the complaint. Most of my partners were pissed. Some were a bit more religious than I had known, and some were just mad that I was wasting my time on this. But the partners that, like me, did n't believe, were confused at first. They asked me why I was representing God. But when I explained my mission, and showed them my complaint, they got on board. Suddenly, I had a full legal team ready to prosecute God's rights. 
 
 The media outlets did n't pay our case much attention until the Catholic Church filed its answer to our complaint. I had been expecting a full legal smack down, tearing our claims to shreds. Instead, they admitted everything. God was the original author of the Bible, the Catholic Church had been copying his work, and that they had not paid any valid consideration for the right to do so. The church asserted just one defense: `` There is no copyright on fundamental truth.'' 
 
 My legal team and I were stunned. Through their admissions, we had gone from having no case to having an almost too perfect case. All we had to do was defeat their defense, and we could collect billions from the Catholic Church. 
 
 Trial came unusually quickly. The church did n't bother filing any motions, and we wanted our day in court. Getting there proved to be a challenge in itself. The area around the courthouse was choked with protesters. Our case had struck a cord with across the country, with protesters from every state coming to denounce us as heathens, or to protest the other protesters and make fun of religion. Obviously, my sympathies lay with one side of the protest, and not with the other. 
 
 When I finally made it inside the courtroom, my client was waiting for me at counsel's table. I breathed a sigh of relief: he had listened to my instructions and gotten himself cleaned up. 
 
 `` Lord,'' I said, patting him on the shoulder. `` How are you?'' 
 
 `` Nervous, man. Nervous. This is all quite a production.'' 
 
 `` Yeah, this became quite something, did n't it?'' 
 
 God did n't have a chance to answer, as the doors to the courtroom snapped open. In walked the lawyer for the Catholic Church, and trailing behind him was Pope Francis himself. 
 
 `` Ho-ly shit,'' God said, emphasizing each syllable. `` They brought out the big guns.'' 
 
 I smirked. They were certainly trying to put on a show. `` No gun's bigger than you, right Lord?'' I looked over at my client, and he gave a nervous nod. 
 
 `` All rise!'' the bailiff shouted, quieting the room. A small door in the back of the courtroom snapped open, and the judge took the bench. The bailiff continued, `` The United States District Court for the District of New York is now in session. Judge Houston Garrison presiding. God bless the United States and this honorable tribunal.'' 
 
 `` Objection,'' I said, standing. `` Hearsay, your honor. God is present in the courtroom with us today. I'd ask that court staff refrain from putting words in his mouth.'' 
 
 Judge Garrison rolled his eyes. `` Overruled,'' he grumbled. `` I hope you are n't under the illusion that antics like those will be scoring you points with me, Mr. Fine.'' 
 
 `` No Your Honor,'' I responded, and sat down. 
 
 `` For the record, we're here on case seven dash one six five three seven, God versus the Catholic Church,'' Judge Garrison continued. `` Are there any pretrial motions?'' 
 
 `` No Your Honor,'' I answered. 
 
 The lawyer for the church, Luke Howard, stood. He was a surprisingly young looking man, and this would be his opportunity to start undermining our case by asking the court to limit the evidence we could introduce during the trial. I had a stack of case law in front of me ready to rebut whatever motions he would make. `` No, Your Honor. Nothing for the defendant,'' he said, his voice filled with a quiet authority. 
 
 Judge Garrison squinted at Howard, as if trying to see if the lawyer was having some kind of stroke. `` Very well,'' Judge Garrison said finally. `` Then let's get going on jury selection.'' 
 
 This was going to be a very unusual case. 
 
 ***** 
 
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