[ WP ] A criminal recounts how he saved Christmas .

I mean, I did n't mean to do it. Believe me, if I could do it again, I'd rather have kept the money, but you know, shit happens. 
 
 Anyway, Christmas. Wonderful time of year. You'd be surprised how much easier petty crime is in the winter. Especially City winters. Y'see, everything's a little more crowded in the winter - especially public transport. People are all pushing in, it's harder to feel when a hand's grabbing a wallet, and harder to recognize people between all the scarves and the hats. Real wonderful time of year. 
 
 …but the best part is n't little shit like petty theft. The best part is ChristmasCon. The one night a year where idiots throw on Santa costumes and get hammered from day til night. It's the perfect alibi, and the haul is always great. The trick is to find the drunkest group of people, get them all moving the street with the promise of `` Just one more bar, bro!'' When everyone's moving, you get them mad. You tell them that this night is great because it's about freedom and having a good time. You tell them that these days are tough because the man's holding them down. You tell them to fuck the man, and take what's theirs…then you chuck a brick through the nearest store front and start a good old fashioned riot. While all the rest of the fuckers are going through the store trying to loot as much shit as possible, the experienced thief knows to go straight to the back and hit the registers. Preferably without anyone else noticing. This being ChristmasCon, I conveniently have a sack. Because I'm motherfucking Santa. The money goes in the sack, and I leave out the back before the police arrive. 
 
 By the time the police get anywhere near me, I'm three bars away, and a few hundred dollars richer. 
 
 `` A few hundred dollars?!?'' You say. 
 
 `` Is it really worth all the risk for a few hundred dollars?!!?'' You say. 
 
 Well yes and no. I mean, it's really fucking risky, and it's not like I need the money that bad…but on the other hand…I really like starting riots. The money is really more like the cherry on top. 
 
 `` What? If the money is just extras, why do you still you wish you could rather have kept it?'' You say. 
 
 Fuck you. I just really like cherries. 
 
 Anyway, you're probably thinking… yeah Santa has a sack, and you put all the money in there, but how many other people on the streets are running around with sacks. Well it's mostly dudes, so there a lot of sacks on the streets. But ballsacks aside, you're right. Most people do n't carry sacks. That's where the real ingenuity of ChristmasCon bullshit kicks in. At the first bar I slide into after the heist, I change beards, tie off the moneysack, and put that shit into my sewn in, Santa belly pocket. Nice and spacious, and sly as fuck. Plenty of fat Santas around everywhere that night, that shit's perfect. As long as I get out the store and into one bar, I'm basically clear. 
 
 So what happened? If I'm so fucking smart ( which I am ), how the fuck did I manage to lose the few hundred dollars ( yes, I'm aware that that's pretty much pennies ) that I was risking my ass for. I was fucking robbed. That's what fucking happened. 
 
 I'm moving in between post-robbery bars 4 and 5, when I get cornered by these giant fucking Santas with sacks full of bricks - bricksacks. Kinda made me wish I still had my angry mob with me…alas, I had gotten them all arrested not fifteen minutes prior. So I pulled out my wallet put it on the ground and slowly backed away. Of course since it was a robbery wallet, it only had a fake ID and a few twenty's in there. No big deal. Except my robbers caught on quick, and I had n't nearly gotten far enough to out run them. They might have been carry bricks, but they must not have been the heavy, and my Santa costume was really slowing me down from the sack just flinging all over the place ( stop thinking about ballsacks, you fucking pervert ). 
 
 I end up making the worst decision of my night. I threw the coat over the fence into what I had believed was an empty lot and decided I'd go back for it. And you know the rest, I went back, got the coat, did n't realize I dropped the money sack when my belly pocket came unzipped from running. I scramble back to the lot, and by the time I'm there, tough luck. My money's gone. 
 
 As it fucking turns out. It was n't an empty lot. It was someone's backyard. And guess whose backyard it was. It was the guy whose store I fucking robbed. Seriously. What the fuck? 
 
 Anyway, his store was failing. It was this miserable, half-assed pawn shop. But by breaking in, I gave him a massive insurance check. Like. Seriously massive. By dropping the money off, he gets a little bit of liquidity while he waits for his check. Third, that motherfucker went viral. Probably the most famous pawn shop in the City now, his business is fucking crazy. I brought that motherfucker enough business to bring him from basically cancelling Christmas to the children's hero. All fucking me. 
 
 And I just risked my ass for nothing. I want that money back. 

