[ WP ] Jesus has returned , but before he can be the savior mankind expects he 's got to survive grade school .

A Reading From The Gospel of Kevin 
 
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 I, Kevin the Brooklynite, call unto you to make it known the works of the childhood our returned Lord and Saviour, his holiness in his second incarnation, all his mighty deeds, even all those which he did before his name became known. 
 
 This little child Jesus, when he was just 6 years of age, was gathered around a craft table with his bretheren. There he commanded that the crayons and markers be cleared into their appropriate places. And they did so, commanded by his word alone. And having found the Play-Doh, he did form it into 12 small racecars, which by his decree came to be in motion. There were many other children which joined him in playing with the racecars. 
 
 And a certain boy, knowing that what he had seen Jesus perform with the Play-Doh was forbidden during quiet reading time departed immediately and told his teacher: Lo, thy student Jesus hat created 12 racecars and set them in motion, and hath polluted the sacred quiet reading time. And the teacher came to his craft table and cried: Why does thou do such things during quiet reading time which are not lawful to do? But Jesus clapped his hands and the little racecars drove out the door and away from the teacher. When the teacher saw it they were amazed, and told the principal that which the had seen Jesus do. 
 
 But Trevor, the son of Andrew the Plumber was standing there at the craft table, and he took his shoe and stood upon the Play-Doh, squashing it until it was no longer mallable. And when Jesus saw what was done he looked upon him with wrath and cried: O Evil, Ungoldy one, what did the Play-doh do to harm you? You foolish child, behold, let yourself also be diminished, taken of life like a deflated balloon after a birthday party! And straightaway the child was struck with an athsma attack, but Jesus departed and returned home. 
 
 But when Jesus returned home, his father Joseph admonished him: How darest though perform such sins upon fellow children! You are deserving of nought but a grounding! The Parents and Teachers Association hath discarded your loving mother for your misdeeds! But Jesus replied: I know your words are not your words, but those forced upon you by the PPTA. For your sake and the sake of my mother I shall hold my tongue, but those who have accused me shall bear my punishment. And those who had accused him and outcast his mother were struck with an infestation of head lice. 
 
 Now, his father Joseph had spoken to a well-regarded child psychologist by the name of Zacharius, who marvelled greatly at the way Jesus spoke, which was particularly advanced for his age. He pondered whether the child may have a form of autism. So he took Jesus from his regular class and placed him in a special education class. There the teacher told Jesus: I shall teach you of the alphabet, and the times tables. But Jesus replied: How can you teach me the alphabet? How can you teach me of Beta when you do not even know of the Alpha? How can you teach me of multiplication when you do not know of the Omega who multipled all that there is? This confounded the teacher, who had prepared only to teach Jesus of the english alphabet, and was not sufficiently profient in Greek for such an advanced student. 
 
 Now when Zachariuss the Child Psychologist heard of the profiency with which the child spoke of the Greek alphabet, he was perplexed and ashamed, for he was unable to perform his duties of diagnosis and was afraid of the child's powers. He said to the childs parents: Take him away, I have failed thee. I can not take the severity of his gaze, for I fear he is much wiser than even I, with my PHD from Princeton. This child is not of this world, this child is one that can bend fire and change hearts. What is wrong with your womb, Mary? How could you birth such a creature? My good name shall be besmirched throughout my entire profession, I shall be shamed into early retirement, for I was bested by a young child. I beg of you Jospeh, take him away from me, for he is either God or Demon, and I am afraid. 
 
 And as his secretary comforted Zaccharius, the young child laughed and said: Let all those who have had athsma be given clean lung, let all those with head lice be pure, let all those with peanut allergy be freed. Let all those who besmerched me see that they were wrong. I have come from above to lead them and to free them, as saviour and as king. But they shall know that he who is above has given me powers to curse them. And after the child finished speaking all those whom he had cursed were made whole. 
 
 After that no man dared dared provoke him, lest he be cursed or maimed. After that no child dared squash his Play-Doh, because they knew of his great power and began to see him as their leader. After that no teacher talked poorly of his reading ability, for they knew he was greater than any of them. 
 
 This is the word of the Lord. Thanks be to God.
