[ WP ] The 2020 Summer Olympics has a new event . Calvinball .

`` Hello, and welcome to the 2020 Summer Olympic games, brought to you live from Tokyo, Japan. We're here with the opening rounds of inaugural appearance of Calvinball, where Canada will be facing off Russia in what will inevitably turn out to be a must win for either and both of the teams.'' 
 
 `` That's right Jerry. If either of these teams does not win the event, one of them will be deemed to have lost - but it will be up to the judges to decide.'' 
 
 `` Of course, Terry, the interesting thing about Calvinball is that players themselves are also the judges in this self-officiated event. While the judges are the first and final word on the result of the play, and naturally the players will do their best to sway themselves to their cause, as judges, it will be crucial for each team to determine and influence the second, third and subsequent words before the final word is said.'' 
 
 `` I'm interested to see how the language barrier will effect the two teams, as it would appear that both Canada and Russia speak different languages to one another, and with the rules changing constantly and inconsistently it will be crucial for both teams to have their interpreters present on the field of play at all times.'' 
 
 `` That's a good point Terry, but hold onto that thought, the players are running onto the field, and therefore the game may or may not be underway at any moment.'' 
 
 `` The Russians have chosen to wear red masks, while Canada has opted for their traditional white hockey masks. An intimidating look. The ball, or'calvinball', which in this case appears to be a volleyball, has been lofted into the arena.'' 
 
 `` Canada makes a scramble for the ball, but find themselves trapped in a time delay vortex zone. All of their actions will be delayed by increasing increments relative to how close they are to the edge of the zone. Having trapped the entire Canadian team Russia takes the ball and establishes that they are in fact the goal and has thus already scored by being in possession of the Calvinball. It will be interesting to see what Canada will have done to prevent this once the delay vortex expires, but for now they appear completely helpless to Russia's ingenuity.'' 
 
 `` One of the Canadian has escaped the vortex, and has thrown an opposite flag into the delay vortex zone, inverting it to send all actions of players within the zone forwards in time. This means that any rules they make now will already have been in effect in the past. And suddenly Canada has taken the upper hand. Any contact with the Calvinball will result in an immediate penalty, with the player infringing required to stand on their head and sing Survivor's'Eye of the Tiger' backwards.'' 
 
 `` But do n't forget, Terry, anyone touching the opposite flag will be oppositely penalised, meaning that the opposing team by scoring points themselves. will instead suffer the consequences. Regardless, Russia has dropped the ball, with one player now in a headstand and singing `` Tiger the of eye the'', while the rest of the Russians have retrieved a baseball bat, golf club and hockey stick from their caddy, and are now hitting the ball repeatedly at the Canadians, hoping send them all onto their heads in into song. But the Canadian are too quick for the Russians, having previously performed most of their actions into the future, they are already armed with an array of racquets and bats and have recognised that by hitting the ball at the Russians they will instead score points, with the Russian currently in a headstand still being the goal.'' 
 
 `` Indeed, Jerry, it is a tough position for the Russians to be in, having set themselves as the target but now finding themselves unable to touch the ball themselves. It'll be quite a pickle for them to get out of.'' 
 
 `` Too true Terry. This will be a hard jar to open, but if I know the Russians, and it's fair to say that I do n't, they'll wrangle themselves out of this somehow.'' 
 
 `` I hope so Jerry. Just checking back to the scores now, It seems that Canada pulled away strongly to the left at 12 pages, while Russia is making a solid bee-line straight ahead to verse 3. These next few minutes will be crucial for both teams.'' 
 
 `` Wow! I did not expect this!'' 
 
 `` Nobody did, Jerry. I'm speechless, there are metaphorically no words to describe this, but as a highly paid world renowned professional sports and events commentator this is not literally the case.'' 
 
 `` Though very importantly not literally not the case, as it is figuratively the case.'' 
 
 `` But not literally.'' 
 
 `` Perhaps. More importantly, Russia has declared sandwiches.'' 
 
 `` A shock move. I did n't expect sandwiches to come into play so soon in this game. The Russians must be up to something. This unambiguously marks the ambiguous start of halftime, as play may not continue while sandwiches are able to be consumed, until one of the players deems it able to begin.'' 
 
 `` Tuna fish is n't all that bad once you get used to it.'' 
 
 `` No it is n't Jerry, and with all their training leading up to this, the absolute peak of the sport, all the players will have developed at insatiable hunger for a well earned Sea Fin Tuna Fish Sandwich.'' 
 
 `` We'll be right back after this brief message from our sponsors. Stay tuned for more Calvinball, in what will undoubtedly be a spectacular finale between these two powerhouses of the sport, Russia and Canada.'' 
 
 `` This short break is brought to you by Sea Fin Tuna. Eat Sea Fin Tuna.''
