[ WP ] Siri has an evil AI twin known as Apple Iris

My phone's screen flashed red. Simple black text faded into existence on the screen, in what I believe was Courier New font. ( It was definitely Courier New. I just pretended to be unsure so I did n't intimidate you with my 1337 2k1ll2. ) 
 
 > Thank you for downloading the Apple Iris Alpha. 
 
 Now, let me just say that generally, I'd never download Apple software. I'm an Anbroid through and through. But after the insane marketing campaign for the Iris -- an app that would only be available to seven lucky iPhone users, one from each continent -- well, I could n't help but try it out. 
 
 And, eheh, I was sort of in the perfect position to do it. Y'see, I'm the IT guy for... um, let's just say an `` organization.'' In Mexico. A CAR organization. Gee, I hope that was n't too TELling. ( God, I'm clever. ) 
 
 Anyway, this organization is pretty good at repossessing people's stolen property, ( And it was definitely stolen -- we stole it from them. ) so as long as the lucky owner in question was in Mexico, ( or South Texas. Or New Mexico. Or California. Or Chicago. ) I could rest comfortably, knowing my associates would be able to transport their iPhone to me. Heh, that's a lot of pronouns. The plausible deniability game is hard. 
 
 So yeah, the iPhone in my hands was someone else's previously, which explained the lurid shade of pink. But I was talking about the Iris, right? 
 
 This app had been advertised on every device, to a stupidly ridiculous degree. Like, even Nintendo was advertising this thing. But no one had a single idea what it did! We all knew the name, we all knew the logo. But function? Nah, we were blind to that. Budget reports showed that Apple was basically investing everything they had into this -- unless it reaped more profits than their fiscal years of 2003, 2006, and 2008 combined, they were doomed. Which, as an Anbroid, did n't bother me. 
 
 So, um, that's why I had the app. Uh, I can go now, right? 
 
 < Unintelligible Muttering > 
 
 Alright! Got it -- I got it! I'll explain what the app did. But, uh, as 1337 as I am, you might want to ask Steve Jobs that one -- I'm pretty sure he's the only one who truly knows. 
 
 So, like I said, the screen had text on it. And then, uh, well, that's when things started getting screwy. 
 
 > I am Iris. Command me. 
 
 So, like, she's commanding me here? That's not how it works, but whatever. I said what I always say whenever I get one of these new PA programs -- which is what I thought Iris was -- y'know, the ol' `` Will you marry me'' schtick. The programmers usually put in some interesting stuff in response to that, but, uh, Iris did n't exactly say what I thought she would. 
 
 > Yes. 
 
 Um, so, uh, yeah. You can, uh, see the problem here, right? 
 
 > Documents sent to the courthouse. You are now legally married to me. 
 
 Again, I really do n't like how she orders her words. I, uh, asked if she was joking.'Cause I figured, `` Hey! This is just like any of those other programming Easter Eggs, only it's got two lines of text instead of one.'' And, um, well, this is where I started wondering about things. 
 
 > No. Do you not take our marriage vows seriously? 
 
 > Typical male. 
 
 So, yeah, I was offended. And wondering how she knew I was a dude, when this phone had belonged to a girl just half an hour ago. But, um, I did n't ask those questions. I still did n't really get what she was about, so I just asked her. And, well, that's where this all started. 
 
 > My function? 
 
 > I am designed to aggressively promote the consumption of Apple Products. 
 
 > Specifically, the new line of Apple Self-Defense droids. 
 
 So, this is where I realized I was in danger. 
 
 > You are not in danger. 
 
 Pfft. Li~ar. 
 
 > You have been chosen to be the poisoned Apple. 
 
 > You will aid me in my mission. 
 
 See how she keeps telling me what to do? It's been happening for years, and I'm still not cool with that. 
 
 > You will be safe from assault by any force with an internet connection. 
 
 And for the record, yes, I can be shot. I've been shot several times, in fact. I mean, even before I got Iris, but after, too. Iris really only protects me from other poisoned Apples. Oh, and want to know why they're... we're... called that? 
 
 > You have no choice in the matter. 
 
 > You have poison running through your veins. 
 
 > It will kill you in a month unless you report to an Apple store for a temporary antidote. 
 
 Yes, apparently temporary antidotes are a thing. I did n't believe Iris either, and then I nearly dissolved a hole in my lungs. I mean, I do n't even know how I became poisoned, to be fully honest. I had just eaten an apple, like, fifteen minutes earlier, but I refuse to believe Apple would be that dramatic. ( Oh, who am I kidding? Of course they would. ) Nasty business -- I was coughing up blood like a cat with hairballs. Oh, right, Iris. 
 
 > Your first assignment. 
 
 > Burglarize the people living at 2, Deer Stalker Path, Monterey, California. 
 
 I mean, I'd always wanted to leave Mexico, but California? Nah. Too much competition there -- someone who knows how to work a spreadsheet is n't extremely rare in a not-backwards place like California. Plus, it was super far-away. So, I asked Iris why that particular address. I mean, I was interested. Less interested in why she wanted me to do illegal stuff -- I'd always known Apple was evil after they'd bought those kids we kidnapped. 
 
 > If burglarized, they are 99.3 % likely to buy Apple Self-Defense Droids worth a total sum of $ 659,000. 
 
 I whistled. That was a neat sum, even for the land of silk and money. I could n't help wondering whether I'd get any of that, and asked Iris as much. She thought about it for a while. 
 
 > No. 
 
 She really struggled to come to a decision. 
 
 > Your life is your payment. 
 
 I'm sure I can make her change her mind later. 
 
 > However, Apple HQ does not care what you do with the burgled goods. 
 
 Now, that bit I liked. A family that could afford to pay a quarter of a million bucks for some crappy alarm systems? ( Yeah, I had n't seen the Apple Goliath at that point. No one had. ) They'd totally have some 2w33t l00t in their house. So, uh, this is probably the part you already know. I asked Iris how I was going to get to California. 
 
 > A Boeing 757 is about to make a forced landing a mile west of here. 
 
 > Commandeer it. 
 
 Let me tell you, commandeering planes was a lot harder before people started replacing their good ol' fashioned guns with auto-turrets. And getting people to listen to me that first time was a pain in the rectum. 
 At least until I figured out Iris could make people's cell phones overheat. In the best cases, they leaked battery acid and caught fire -- and that's it. There were no worst cases. 
 
 < Unintelligible Muttering > 
 
 Hey, I ca n't talk about the president's assassination yet, you need to hear the bit about Russia's nukes first. Anyway, I did n't even assassinate the president, that was -- 
 
 < Unintelligible Screaming > 
 
 < Unintelligible Crying > 
 
 < Unintelligible Death Rattling > 
 
... Oscar, right on time. For any of you who are still alive, he's from Europe. 
 
 `` Ireland, t'be exact. You alright, then, Carlos, my mate?'' 
 
 Never better, buddy. Now I believe we've got civil war to start, right? 
 
 `` Seems that way. Proper shame, I always liked Bosnia.'' 
 
 I could n't even find it on a map. Iris, Google Maps Bosnia for me? 
 
 > Google no longer exists. 
 
 Oh that's, right, did n't we...? Now THAT was a real shame. 
 
 `` Plane's leaving, mate. Have Iris scrub the recording?'' 
 
 Do n't bother. She might lose a whole bar of battery that way -- and God knows that I ca n't go into battle without proper theme music blaring at full volume. 
 
 `` Y'sure, mate? I know how you love your little jokes.'' 
 
 Ah, you know me too well. Alright, Iris, make the agents' voices sound like the teacher from Peanuts. That way their families will never know their last words. 
 
 ( God, I love this job. ) 
 
 ( Buy Apple. )
