[ WP ] You have been reincarnated as a newborn baby . As you grow up , one by one your memories from your past life return to you .

August 1st. 
 
 The strange thoughts and feelings that I'd get around mom did n't start happening until I was about 12, so right around puberty ( I think that detail is important; the psychologist would probably be interested in that ). 
 
 One night I walked into the bathroom to go pee, and mom was in there, mostly naked, doing funny things to herself in her private places. She jumped and moved a nearby towel to cover herself quickly, screaming in the process. I jumped and screamed too, and ran into my room. 
 
 As I sat there, mom walked in and in a very calm but forced voice reminded me to knock whenever I was entering a room. 
 
 Before I had thought this was a silly rule because it was just mom, me, and my little brother Sam, who was just a toddler. But at this moment I started to think that maybe some rules were very good rules. 
 
 But after I went to bed that night, I could n't stop thinking of the noises mom was making. I had heard her making those noises before, when she had her older man friends over and they would go to the room and do'adult things.' But as I approached the bathroom door that night, I *heard* her making those sounds so was curious as to why she was doing those without her man friends. 
 
 This part may sound weird... but hearing them for the split second while the door was open, I had one of those things call a... dehza voo? Another weird part: she was saying dad's name. 
 
 All the times I heard mom making those sounds with her man friends the door was closed, but this time I could hear her and I swear I had heard them before... in that same, clear, unrelenting way. Along with the parts where she would stop and say dad's name. 
 
 I think this next part is important too. 
 
 When we took the train to go and see my dad's family back in San Francisco, I had that same dehza voo feeling as I was getting on the train. My heart beat got faster and I grew very very scared. 
 
 The important part is, this is the train station where my dad had died. 
 
 Mom did not tell the story until my last meeting with the psychologist, with me just outside the room but able to hear. She does n't like to talk about dad, but I can tell she is still very sad sometimes. 
 
 She told him that suicide was highly unlikely because there was no evidence to indicate that my dad was sad or depressed or wrong in the head. She told him that the newspapers said witnesses said they saw a man in a rush, trying to get to his train before it departed, but getting killed by a service locomotive while trying to cross one of the tracks. My mom was nine months pregnant at the time; he was on a business trip, she told the doctor, looking at moving to a higher position in his company, complete with a raise, better benefits, and lots of other things that sounded to complicated that I ca n't remember. 
 
 But this was only a week ago, when she was telling the psychologist the story. 
 
 I wish she was honest with me, because it feels like it's something dad would have wanted. It feels like dad would n't have wanted her to be so sad and seeing so many man friends all the time. But mom always tells me that she has to try and move on in whatever way she can, that she has to keep herself helping me and my brother and helping herself. 
 
 I know I'm only thirteen, but mom's way of trying to help herself feels very wrong. 
 
 I think I need to mention this part now, this is the part the psychologist told me to talk about. Last night I heard mom with one of her man friends again, but this man friend has the same name as dad. She kept saying his name over and over again. I do n't know what happened to me but I got real horny and sweaty and I had to say mom's name. After it stopped, I started crying real bad but I did n't understand why. 
 
 Then I had a dream, and I saw that I was holding mom, in my arms. Mom was much younger, and I was much bigger and smarter, I could tell. We were in a big field with lots of grass, a large park. Mom rolled over on top of me, then over me, and then kissed me and said,'You're it!' and ran away. I remember I smiled and got up and chased her all over the park until I finally caught her by the swings. 
 
 I grabbed her through one of the swings and pulled her in close and I kissed her and then shoved her back, saying,'now you're it!' 
 
 She laughed as she stumbled back and we continued to run around the park. I remember it was a very happy dream. 
 
 That is all I have to say about these things for now. Maybe the psychologist will be able to figure something out from them.
