[ WP ] Life is narrated , the problem is the voice tells everyone things people would rather not have known

Steve packed up his bags after class and started heading for the parking lot so he could drive home in the dingy old car his dad gave him so he could excuse buying a better car for himself. His dear childhood friend Ashley, whom he had countless fantasies about in the dead of night, was walking closely behind him to catch a ride because she got into an accident because she was halfway through her sixth taco and still had four more to eat before getting home so she would n't have to sit through another dinner with her family. 
 
 `` Can you hear it too?'' Ashley asked, her face the color of a strawberry, surely because she had only ever gotten this close to Steve when pretending to be a vampire to the doll she kept that vaguely resembled him. 
 
 `` That voice has been following me all day, I thought I might've been crazy,'' said Steve, his face also reddened due to suddenly remembering the time she lent him a scarf and he kept it for three weeks, sniffing it whenever he felt lonely. 
 
 `` You're totally lying!'' Ashley screamed to the sky, surely having lost her mind just like the time she tried to lick a stop sign and- 
 
 `` Shut up! None of this is true!'' Said the enraged Steve, who had lost his mind long ago after discovering he was adopted and actually came from a family of Sasquatches... Ok, that part's not true, but everything before was. 
 
 `` Fuck off! We do n't want commentary on our inner thoughts!'' shouted Ashley, both her and Steve's faces were now red as cherries, reminiscent of the time they had dumped cranberry juice all over each other during lunch and had to explain why they were sticky and red to their teachers and families, an event they swore never to speak of again. Just then, as Steve and Ashley reached the car, another friend came dashing across the parking lot. 
 
 `` Hey guys! Can I get a ride? Suzie stood me up,'' their friend Robbie said, as he jogged across the parking lot toward the cherry-faced pals. He was of course lying, as he had made no plans with Suzie, and simply missed the bus that he always said he was too cool to ride. 
 
 `` What? Who said that? I'll kick your ass for talking shit about me!'' Robbie shouted to the sky, demonstrating his incredibly low intellect as well as his anger problems by threatening something with no physical form. In fact, he ought to count himself lucky to have any friends at all in spite of his crippling personality flaws and absence of redeeming qualities. 
 
 `` Come on Robbie, maybe if we get home he'll go away'' Steve said, not convinced himself but wanting to ensure his friends did n't find out about his bed wetting habits despite being old enough to drive. 
 
 `` Well, so much for that. Maybe we should get ice cream instead?'' Ashely said, desperately wanting to avoid going home and facing her parents when they found out about all the money she had stolen from their wallets during the past year. 
 
 `` It's called an allowance, asshole!'' shouted Ashley to nobody in particular. 
 
 `` Technically if they did n't allow you to have it-'' 
 
 `` Can it, Robbie'' Ashley snapped, revealing her own short temper that only shows when her parents are brought up. Steve finally got them both to climb into the car, which smelled like cheap cologne and cigars, but Ashley and Robbie were too polite to mention due to feeling guilty about their freeloader nature. 
 
 `` Good god, do you ever shut up?'' Steve shouted toward the roof, his own frustration at having failed his last exam catching up to him at this moment. 
 
 `` Dude, you failed history? But it's so easy!'' Robbie said, purposely neglecting to mention that he had only gotten a C and had failed every other exam he had in the past month. 
 
 `` Ok, that's kinda bad Rob... Even I never fail more than one exam a semester,'' Ashley snarked, herself forgetting to mention that she failed every exam for three classes just last year. 
 
 `` Phys Ed and Art History are n't real classes!'' She insisted, trying to justify her own crippling feelings of inadequacy. Steve was of course too busy distracted by the argument to notice that he had just run a red light and the town sheriff was pursuing him. 
 
 `` Ah shit'' said Steve, realizing that he had only just gotten his license and would likely have it confiscated by his parents if he got a ticket so soon after taking the driver's test. Of course, while he considered speeding away, he realized his rickety car would n't be able to outrun the sheriff's car and wisely decided to pull over. The overweight sheriff approached the car, having just finished his twelfth box of donuts for the day was feeling somewhat sick and would likely vomit if someone poked his stomach. 
 
 `` Ok kids, do you know why I pulled you over?'' the sheriff said, knowing full well that the kids would answer because they did n't know that they were allowed not to. 
 
 `` You needed a break before your thirteenth box?'' chimed Ashley, feeling extra snarky since arguing with the sheriff was still more fun than talking to her parents. 
 
 `` You hear it too then? How long have you been hearing him?'' the sheriff asked, praying that the voice would n't reveal that he had been hearing it for three years now and had made several arrests without actual proof because of it, getting him into trouble with the local judge. 
 
 `` It started today, at least for me, and we all hear it,'' Steve responded, hoping the officer would be lenient because of their shared plight. 
 
 `` Well, it takes some getting used to. Drive safely and keep your eyes on the road, and do n't do anything you do n't want your buddies finding out about, trust me on that one. I'll let you off with a warning this time, but go straight home and try to ignore it until you're out of the car,'' the sheriff said, feeling forgiving of the poor kids and realizing that he had to get back on watch to stop the serial killer that was going to be driving by his car in the white pickup truck at exactly 4:34 pm. The catch that would finally prove to the judge that he was n't a complete screwup and that he could, in fact, catch someone who he could prove committed a crime. 
 
 The kids drove home in silence, Steve did n't offer to turn on the radio because it did n't work in his junky car. They arrived safely and without further incident, at least until Steve crashed his car into his garage door. 
 
 `` Dammit!''
