[ WP ] When you die , you do n't go to the afterlife of you 're religion , you go to the afterlife of the religion whose tenets you followed most closely , knowingly or not .

James opened his eyes, and squeezed them shut again. 
 “ Heavens! ” he said aloud. 
 The reddish amoeba in the inner wall of his eyelid swirled and danced together. He heard whispers, chuckles, hearty laughter, the clatter of golden goblets against hammered tin serving trays. 
 
 James opened his eyes. 
 
 The girls danced against one another, moaning and laughing, sometimes singing along to the slow, exotic music that seeped from the walls and floor. 
 
 They moved like the broad, rolling swells that James had seen on calm days in the mid-Atlantic. All in unison, harmonizing to that strange music, the music that seemed to play every wrong note but to fill the spaces between two things touching. 
 
 James could not look at the breathing sea of pleasure. He pulled his hat low until his eyes were behind the thick black wool, nearly even with the buckle. 
 
 “ Jaaaames! ” called a calm and reassuring voice. 
 
 James refused to peek. 
 
 “ Jamesy. ” said the man, tapping the brim of the hat with a finger. 
 
 James felt his hat lift from his head. He saw a strong pair of brass colored feet on simple sandals, folds of white cloth rising like smoke to enrobe a strong, bearded, smiling face. 
 
 “ Jaaaaaames! ” said the man, and moved to embrace him. 
 
 James stiffened against the man, who smelled slightly of some of the better desserts he'd had in his childhood. Everything about this man seemed too intimate, like the music. 
 
 The man held him at arms length and gave him a quizzical look. 
 
 “ Buddy. You ok? I mean, even for a white dude you ’ re looking a little... pale. I mean I'm the real deal, man. You can check me out. I wont bite. Ai n't like I'm a Dutch cartoon or something, am I right? High five! ” 
 
 The man held up one hand and James flinched away from the impending blow. 
 
 But it never came. 
 
 James opened his eyes. 
 
 “ Too soon? ” said the man, lowering his palm. He stroked his beard slowly between a thumb and forefinger. “ Wrong century?... wrong century. ” he decided, nodding. 
 
 “ Where…? ” managed James. 
 
 “ Whu-? Whu- OOOOOH, ” said the man, opening his eyes wide. “ Nonononono, dude. ” he clapped a hand to James ’ shoulder and drew him close, and James tensed again. 
 
 “ Not a dream, dude. You did n't eat the wrong cactus or get bit by the wrong gecko or whatever. It's cool. See? ” he gestured around the impossible room, “ Paradise. Like, for real paradise. So just chill man, you're here. And hey, ” he spread his arms and held his palms out disarmingly. “ The best part? ” he clenched four fingers of each hand so that each thumb indicated the man ’ s face. “ Muhammad. ” 
 
 James was terrified. 
 
 “ So James, man. It's me, man. And something is clearly up with you, so- let ’ s rap. ” 
 
 James closed his eyes tight. He shook his head, and then something came to him. 
 
 James opened his eyes. 
 
 He kept his head towards the ground but his eyes rolled up in his head, lit with hellfire. 
 
 “ Lucifer. ” he spat through clenched teeth. 
 
 The man took a step back as if scalded. 
 
 James took a step toward him to make up the distance. “ You… devil. You siren. You think this is enough to take me? Begone from my mind! ” 
 
 Muhammad cocked his head to one side. “ Lucif-... ” he shook his head. “ Dude, that guys ’ pad suuucks. Check it out. Paradise. Look, look. ” He pointed at a long table where a family sat. They seemed to be laughing and telling stories. Handsome young men and women scurried around serving a hundred brightly colored foods that James could not name. “ That ’ s Muhammad and his family. Silk robes, gold plates. Talk about the schnozzberries taste like schnozzberries? In here, every schnozzberry tastes like something you never tasted before. ” 
 
 James took a deep breath and began to sing in a low voice. “ Make a joyful noise to the Lord, all earth and- ” 
 
 Muhammad pointed to another corner of the room. “ Look, James, check out Muhammad getting some with Virgin # 14. Now come with me and I'll show you where your- ” 
 
 “ Serve the Lord with gladness! ” 
 
 Muhammad snapped and wagged a finger towards James. “ James. You've been a good Muslim, man. So ch-... wait a minute. I totally know this one. ” 
 
 “ Come into his presence with singing ” 
 
 “ Yeah, dude, yeah.. uh… Know the lord, he is god. It is he who made us and dum dum dum. That's one of JC ’ s. What's up with that? ” 
 
 James stopped, surprised. 
 
 “ Oh. ” Muhammad slapped his palm to his forehead. Oh James. ” He chuckled. 
 
 “ You a fastidious guy? Like to clean your hands a lot? ” 
 
 James stood still. 
 
 Muhammad nodded. “ Yeeep, yep yep. Gave away to the needy too, I bet- more than most of your friends and kin? ” 
 
 James stood still. 
 
 “ Vegetarian? Bet you got up and prayed to the rising sun, too? ” 
 
 James poked the tip of his tongue through his lips and opened his mouth. “ Each day we thank the Lord and welcome his gifts. ” 
 
 “ Guh. He's supposed to keep an eye on you guys. Shepard my butt. When the system runs with no oversight you get these frigging… glitches. Trickle down morality… pshhh. Who put that guy in charge anyway? ” 
 
 Muhammad looked down at the intricate tile floor. “ But how… James, did you ever happen to say lā ʾilāha ʾillā-llāh, muḥammadur-rasūlu-llāh? ” 
 
 James shook his head. 
 
 “ Hm… well, what's the last thing you remember before showing up here? ” 
 
 “ I… was on a boat. We were moving to a new world to practice our faith. I…. I was being sick over the side. Oh, I was so sick. ” his stomach began to turn as he recalled the sensation. “ I remember it now, it felt just like… just like… ” 
 
 James quickly pulled off his hat and buried his face. “ lā ʾilāha ʾillā-llāh, muḥammadur-rasūlu-llāh!!! ” he said,
