[ WP ] You perform a ritual to summon a demon , but instead get a `` Demon in training '' .

Me: `` Oh shit. It's happening. What the fuck? Is this shit real? Holy fuck, that fucking cunt Mark gave me a real fucking spell? I thought demon spells were a fucking fetish, not a bloody real thing! I always go for the douchebags. Dis nigga hates me so much, he gave me a real fuckin' demon spell!? ( under his breath ) Fuck you and fuck your whole ancestry, Mark. Oh, God. ( wallwing ) This furiously red gaping cyclone, this catastrophically devilsh force. It cometh. I have not known fear before this, this abomination of nature; ( screaming, as havoc whelms all over ) Oh, God, you disastrously evil force of all that weakens a human, I beg of you to stop the light.'' 
 
 My head spun for a while as though I were drunk on perplexity and dread. 
 
 All was dark. 
 
 I got up. 
 
 I turned on the lights. 
 
 Me: `` What... wait, who-who are you? Wait, how long was I knocked out? Are you the janitor? Did you see what happened? Do you know what happened here?'' 
 
 Then it let out this - or at least this is the closest I can describe it - grunt as though a baby was coughing and crying for the first time, just trying to understand what this is it's feeling, physically or mentally. In fewer words, it was gut-wrenchingly putrid and pathetic, both at once. 
 
 Me: `` That's very impolite to, um... *sneeze* like that, without covering your mouth.'' 
 
 I thought I offended the ugly looking man. Well, still a boy. He looked my age, and at 22, yes, I consider myself a fucking boy. 
 
 Me: `` It was a sneeze, yes? Was it not?'' 
 
 Demon: `` NO, IT WAS N'T A MOTHERFUCKING SNEEZE. IT WAS SCARE. Like a, like a... wait, what was this? I knew this. ( whispers to self ) The definition of a scare is to evoke the, the... shit, fuck. What was it? Oh, yes; evoke the feeling of fear in-'' 
 
 Me: `` Yo, what the fuck are you doing man? Look, who the hell are you?'' 
 
 And then he gave out the saddest gasp I will ever see any animated or inanimated entity to ever be conceived of give. 
 
 Demon: `` I'm the demon you summoned.'' 
 
 `` *Wait*, but you're just a normal person around as old as I am. You look just like me, dude. You're nowhere near what a demon looks like.'' 
 
 Demon: `` Yea, well, we start out as normal humans and evolve into - with practice and training, of course - what you see in books and stuff,'cause the stuff you read about are the legends everyone on Earth writes about. And, so the more we train and practice, the uglier we get and stuff. But, I'm still in training, so...'' 
 
 Me: `` Wait, so, but, you look like me. Do people look like when they start becoming demons? ( realizing ) What the fuck? Wow, that was rude of you.'' 
 
 Demon: `` In training, yes, so you're not god awful ugly, but everyone starts there, and honestly, looking like you means for us, that we're a rookie, so it's nothing to be proud of to look like you either.'' 
 
 Me: `` Oh, wow. That hurt. That... that was... fuck, man, shit, that-that stung like a string of blood being pissed out.'' 
 
 Demon: `` Yea, well, I did come second place in my insults class.'' 
 
 Me: `` So, now what? Are n't you going to eat me or something?'' 
 
 Demon: `` Nope. Biggest fucking misconception you guys have. Well, you guys just do n't know the full story. We do eat souls and stuff, but not yours.'' 
 
 *Wait*, is this fucker for *real*? 
 
 Me: `` Then whose?'' 
 
 Demon: `` Whoever you want, man. We're the evil gay twin of a genie. You get three wishes to slay, and those wishes can only be names.'' 
 
 Me: `` What?'' 
 
 Demon: `` Yea, that's right. We're all gay. Do n't you see my pinkish complexion? We just get red from all the blood over the years in the field. We're all pansies at heart. So we'll crush a human's heart, but we'll do it in the nicest clothes. You know, adds some sophistication to demonery. Plus, that's another thing you guys have wrong, we're actually clothed all the time, most times in Urban Outfitters or sometimes in Jack Threads. Even the legend status demons. Though, some of them wear Kenneth Cole.'' 
 
 Oh. My. God. Mark is the sweetest boyfriend *ever*! Wait, but, why does he want me to kill someone!? 
 
 Me: `` Wait, why would I want to have someone killed?'' 
 
 Demon: `` Look, it's not that simple. You have to use it for the greater good. Hitler? Not a suicide. No one fuckin' knows what happened to him. He was devoured by a fucking demon, is what happened to him. He was the hardest project anyone's had, and he's the latest legend. Why do you think one of his nuts was missing? Failed demon attempt, is what it is. Booyah! Learn some motherfuckin' real history, bitch. But, yea, he was so evil, he was almost a human demon. He slayed the first demon that tried to get him just by the sheer radiation of insanely terrible facial hair decisions he had made. Chaplin had the same issue, but he used it for good. 
 
 Me: `` Wait, what? Are you fucking with me. Wow, this is a lot to just take in. Am I Punk'd? How, what- I ca n't believe this. Holy Jesus, wow. Wait, so human demon? Then, you're a dead person?'' 
 
 Demon: `` Yep, yep. You die, you go up, and it's a little less glamorous and more complicated up there. If you get into heaven, you can either enlist in the Godly Kingdom Demons Forces or go to heaven and pray your way up to Cloud 9, but joining G.K.D.F is more fun, veteran benefits once you're outta here, you get to jump Cloud 3, lotsa things, but it is dangerous.'' 
 
 Me: `` I need some paper towels. Do you have some paper towels, because I will probably need to wipe the back of my oozing legs if you keep telling me more stuff. So, wait, what's the right religion.'' 
 
 Demon: `` Sorry they make us sign NDAs when we get there,'cause you know so, you know, no interruptions in the timeline of existence, everything that's supposed to happen, happens, and stuff. Just read all your books is what I can say.'' 
 
 Me: `` Yea, anything, bro. Which ones?'' 
 
 Demon: `` Torah, Qur'an, Bible, all that good stuff.'' 
 
 This guy's seriously fucking with every groove of my unbelievably grey brain. 
 
 Me: `` But that's exactly the opposite of what-'' 
 
 Demon: `` Yea, yea, you guys are pretty fucked up. All the Muslims wo n't go to heaven, all the jews wo n't go to heaven - though their houses up there are longer than any Muslim's beard and bigger than any Jew's nose. Which reminds me, save up. Your money transfers over, so yea, try dying rich. Anyway, all the Catholics wo n't go to heaven. Just read up, ok. 
 
 Me: `` Ok. Fuck. Got it. Wow. Um, so um, can you, like kill, the most active rapist in the world, my third grade teacher and the inventor of the fucking Pringles can. 
 
 Demon: `` So, remember I told you I'm in training? Yea, I have n't even gotten my diploma yet. Killing is for pros. But I hated camp. I was just doing it for the benefits, but I really hate it, so I started flunking classes, and I faked a genuine kind heart, and they let me out on horrorary discharge, so I can go in the field and train on my own and starting killin'.'' 
 
 Wait, what? Mark got me this shitty ass cheap demon of a gift. Probably bought it at the demon gas station. Hmph. Whatever. 
 
 Me: `` So, what now?'' 
 
 Demon: `` Well, now I get a shitty job at Starbucks or Denny's or whatever, and spend nights training. Ahh, damn. Life's gon na suck, but at least I'll be happy.'' 
 
 Me: `` Look, this is kinda weird, but I-I'm looking for a roommate, and I'd-I'd still want to be in contact with you to have killed whoever I want when you're ready. So would you be interested?'' 
 
 And he starting weeping like a kid who'd just been washed over the realization that his dad is dead. 
 
 Demon: `` You're-you're so kind.'' 
 
 Oh, God, that was a bad snot blast. But, shit, he's crying. Uh oh, I'm starting to feel bad for him. 
 
 Demon: `` You do n't know my life, I hate it, I hate camp. Trying to devour souls all the time, vocal chord exercises, hours of the gym. I just wan na get some White Castle and ice cream.'' 
 
 Me: `` Woah, woah, dude. Ok, ok. You want ice cream? I know this place called Thrifty's. Best ice cream. And, yea, you're in California now, no White Castle here. We have something similar. It's called In-N-Out. You'll love it. Let's go there.'' 
 
 And he smiled like Saturn; he wore the smile like the euphoric ring of starry dust around his gloriously big planet of a head. 
 
 Demon: `` Well, I've always wanted to visit California. Can we go to the beach tomorrow?'' 
 
 Me: `` Sure... so you're an East Coast kid?'' 
 
 Demon: `` Yea, Pennsylvania.'' 
 
 Me: `` Cool. Also, so rent is six-fifty dollars a month. You can Venmo me the rent on every twenty-third of the month.'' 
 
 Demon: `` Sounds good. And wow, rent is expensive here.'' 
 
 Me: `` Well, what can I say, we live in celebrity land.'' 
 
 Then something happened only very few can say: a demon and I shared an awkward silence. 
 
 Me: `` So, awkward question. How did you die?'' 
 
 Demon: `` Well, it's a long story, but it started when...'' 
 
 We started walking into the streets of the Christmas-lit city as our voices diffused into the air like cigarette smoke.
