[ WP ] Write the letter that you always wanted to , but never did .

Dear mom, 
 I took a girl out for our first date tonight. I think it went well. She's really wonderful. She's poised, intelligent, has a great sense of humor ( as in she thinks my goofiness is charming... so potentially delusional ). She's beautiful, but not just in the normal sense. Her smile lights up a room and best of all God shines through her and I see an authentic love for people and her personal faith. 
 
 You came up. I did n't want to tell her too much. It has happened more than once that I tell a woman about my relationship with you and they run. I do n't blame them, but I really did n't want this girl to run. 
 
 For the longest time I wondered if I'd ever be able to have a healthy romantic relationship, if I'd ever find a wife, if I'd ever get over my distrust of women because of you. Every time I avoided getting too close to a girl out of fear, every time I was a nervous wreck half wishing the girl would n't show for a meet up, all the times I heard the lies you planted in me that I was n't worth a woman's love ( partially out of guilt for how you made me feel I was treating you 
 ); I cursed you. 
 
 I'm past the part of my life where I'm angry and want to `` get back at you''. I'm writing you this because I was overjoyed at this evening spent with Martha and... and I'm brought to tears that I ca n't excitedly tell you about it the next morning. A grown man that should be past such sentimental silly things feels strongly the wound you made with a childhood of abuse. 
 
 Mom, I know I've been cold-hearted, that is true. God urges me to be compassionate and I have wanted to have my revenge so badly. But this is my triumph. 
 
 Mom, I know you are a fallen person. Even if you will not acknowledge the pain you've put me through, I forgive you. I choose to forgive the hurtful words you spoke about me. I actively process the pain you've put me through in order to truly release it. I choose to forgive the violence you used to intimidate me as well as all the times you used flawed interpretations of scripture to manipulate me. I choose to release the burden I've put upon myself when I neglected to forgive you all these years. Anything else I'm forgetting to specifically mention or that is just adding to the list to where it begins to just be me complaining, it's gone, forget about it. 
 
 I just want my mommy, like when I was eight and needed you to kiss my boo boos. Or like when I needed advice on girls becoming a teenager, or when I needed you to help me so many other times in so many ways but I could n't come to you. I want to be happy about the possibility of you coming to my wedding and I do n't want to cringe thinking of you being around my children. 
 
 To sum it up, I took a wonderful woman out tonight and had a great time getting to know her. She's special in so many ways. Who knows how serious we'll get, I'm just enjoying things as they come. But my time with her made me realize how much of a wound I still have from you and the importance of forgiving you so that she does n't have to pay for you the whole time we're dating. 
 
 Some day maybe we can heal our relationship fully, your response to this delegates that to some degree, but I more so know that hating you and constantly being angry at you is too much effort. Effort I can put into blessing Martha with a man who cares for and honors her the way he's supposed to. 
 
 -Lugnut
