[ IP ] The Mutant

How're you doing? You doing well? That's great, because I'm in the middle of being chased by a 5 story tall spider. 
 
 Anyhow, I'm Jake Jacobs, nice to meet you! And before you go off and laugh at my name, most people refer to me as J.J... Actually, no one does ( a slight exaggeration. ). It's the year 3076 after the Second Great Nuclear Holocaust. So, to put it simply, we're fucked up the ass by mutants, i.e a giant 5 fuckin' story tall spider. At the moment, I'm at the Galactic Central Station in New Yurk City. Of course, you people from the past must think I am misspelling'New York City', well you're wrong. In the year 3054, the governor of NYC, Henry Jacobs, accidentally signed a bill that changed the cities name. This is one of the main reasons the Second Great Nuclear Holocaust ( I ca n't keep writing that, I'll call it the SGNH ) was caused. Basically, Russia was trying to test their nuke at ChevYurk ( A newer test site in Russia ), but they only typed Yurk, which of course, was on their preset bombing sites. Last but not least, before you're caught up, you may have noticed the governor's last name is the same as mine... sadly yes. He is my grandfather. Poor guy did n't pass the age of 67. So, my family is known for our *major* fuck ups. 
 
 So let's get started! After I manage to kill this arach-nope. 
 
 *Two days later* 
 
 Fuck me! I'm out of breath! Took me three whole days! **Three whole days** to kill that bastard. Now I have to go back and meet up with my crew. Mack, FruFru, Lenny, and BoN. *You'll understand their names later*... 
 
 `` J.J!'' Yelled Lenny. `` Where the hell were you guys?! I has to kill Arach-nope myself!'' I replied. `` Oh quit complainin'! You needed some exercise with your phat-ass!'' Of course Mack says that! She always is giving me shit about my weight! I may be *slightly* obese, but I am still better than the rest of them. 
 
 `` Stop giving him crap, Mack. J.J is the best one of us, in combat!'' said FruFru. FruFru always has my back. Which makes be love the guy! `` FruFru, we know you're gay, but stop siding with that guy all the time!''... 
 
 Well, maybe not *love* him that much. 
 
 `` Shall I go back and fix the ship? It's gotten pretty messed up.'' Said BoN. `` BagO', why do you always want to fix the ship? You *just* fixed it a minute ago.'' said Mack. BoN's name stands for'Bag o' Nuts, because she is a bit crazy and loves fixing our ship. 
 
 ``... so... yes?'' 
 
 `` *No*, BagO''' retorted Mack. 
 
 Already annoyed, I decided to go back to Galactic Central Station to grab some loot. `` Where do you think you're going J?'' said Mack. `` I'm grabbing some shit for the road! Calm your tits!'' 
 
 ``... why the hell did I just say that?!'' *I thought* 
 
 `` What did you just say?...'Calm your tits?! You fuckin' misogynistic mother fucker!'' Mack then continues to grab her crowbar and hit me in the back of the head a few times. 
 
 `` Stop! Jesus H. Christ! You're going to give me a concussion!'' I said, she replied `` That's the whole point!'' 
 
 `` G- g- gu- guys...'' me and Mack continue yelling at each other. `` Guys... Guys!'' Lennie yells. Me and Mack say simultaneously, `` What?!'' 
 
 ``... Look behind you...'' 
 
 All of us turn, and see a giant swarm of baby Arach-nopes. Mack whispered to me, `` did you destroy the nest?'' 
 
 `` Fuck.''
