[ WP ] You 've spent all your life trying to prevent the prophecy from coming true . You 've always know when you 'd destroy Earth , but when the day finally came , you were glad to do it .

Listen, I know prophecies. I have the best prophecies. 
 
 When I was a kid living in New York, an old gypsy woman covered in warts took one look at me and said, `` Hey you! Yeah you. You're gon na destroy the Earth someday.'' 
 
 Then she died. But hey, what can I say? I took her words to heart. I lived my life doing everything I could to try and prevent her prediction from coming true. 
 
 When I was just getting into the world of business, I thought I could sabotage myself by asking my father for a million dollar loan. I'd even call it a `` small'' loan, just to really piss him off and get disowned. But instead he happily gave it to me and told me to do whatever the hell I wanted. 
 
 So I did. I made the worst investments I could. Disgusting steaks, vodka that tasted like swill, and a university staffed by motivational speakers with criminal records. And I was sure to brand my ugly name on every single of one them, ensuring they were flops and I'd have to go live my life as a nobody on a farm somewhere far away from ever having the power to ever destroy the world. 
 
 But each time, I failed. People just kept throwing more and more money at me. I could n't stop them if I wanted to. I just started doing outright terrible things, so they would n't want me associated with their brands. I demanded to see our president's birth certificate to prove he was n't Kenyan, talked openly about how big my dick is, hell I even said I'd date my own daughter if I could. It had to only be a matter of time before people hated me enough that I'd be shamed into hiding. 
 
 Instead they nominated me for president. 
 
 Listen, I've tried my hardest to stop this from happening. Force Mexico to build a border wall? Kick babies out of my conventions? Say that Obama literally founded ISIS? Come on, people! What do you want me to- oh. Wait. Here comes the announcement. 
 
 `` Ladies and gentlemen! It is my pleasure to introduce the 45th president of the United States! Mr. Donald Trump!'' 
 
 Oh well. Time to go give the people what they want.
