[ WP ] You get a deep cut for the first time in your life , instead of bone or muscle , you see wires .

another night. another night full of shit thoughts. since the age of 13, ive had the terrible habit of harming myself. little cuts here and there, to relieve the anxious momentarily. the cuts have never been too deep. only just something to snap me out of thought rut i was in. but fast forward to now. at the age of 22. ive had a horrible day. the kind where it feels like nothing in the world could ever make you feel better. I took apart my shaving razor, and within seconds, i committed to going deep tonight. the initial feeling wasnt pain, but rather shock. and the depth of the cut. the blood. what i had just done. i feel unable to describe what i felt in the moment. i then tend to the self inflicted wound and attempt to bandage it, in an attempt to stop the bleeding, so my family would clock on to what there son is really going through. i rush to the sink to wash it off. the water rushes towards the cut, and clears it completely of blood for jus a moment or two. 
 
 and then i see. 
 
 what I first thought was veins or tendons, begins to be abundantly clear to what they really were. against my better judgement, i go to touch it with my finger. what i felt was n't pain. but more a recognition of the touch. not a normal human reaction. but more just signals being sent back and forth. i didnt understand it at first. the strange color of the wire which at first macerated at veins. still feeling in shock, i wasnt at all ready to understand what was happening. blood was still rushing out of my arm into the sink. but i was lost in what i was witnessing. I graduated from a simple touch, to poking and pulling what laid before me. `` this is not normal'' i told myself. something is off. the rush of adrenaline i had felt earlier turned into absolute fear. 
 
 but then that fear slowly transformed into content. i pulled apart the separated skin. i dont figure any of you would believe me. i wasnt even sure I believed it myself. 
 
 and then the laughing started. 
 i couldnt stop. i was euphoric. 
 
 `` i always knew i was different'' 
 
 `` i knew there was something that made me different. unable to relate to anyone else'' 
 
 i went back into my room. stood absolutely still for what seemed like hours. 
 
 i owned this purple tie. it lay in my closest for years without being used. 
 
 and tonight. i finally found a use for it. 
 
 i wasnt religious, but i thanked god endlessly that night for finally making things clear. 
 
 i knew i was never like everybody else 
 
 something always felt off. 
 
 and the greatest feeling i had ever felt was finally getting closure about that. 
 
 goodbye everybody... 
 
 
 i had finally found peace.
