[ WP ] The world 's worst super hero team saves the world , Write from the Villain 's perspective

I've been in the game a long time. 
 
 
 A long time, mind you. Never gotten to take on any of the bigger guys - the likes of a Cap' or one of the Allen speedsters. Definitely not a Batman. No, I'm what you might call, more in the... secondary hero arena. Bank heists, whoever responds to those ( and believe me, in a city like Metropolis, it's anything from cops with actual donut powder on their ties to lion powered mechs from Krypton ) - that's my deal. 
 
 
 Fought Superman's dog once. Alien rabies is less fun than you might believe, no matter what his PR people might say. 
 
 
 Yup, I've taken on all sorts. Still, the day these two strolled through the doors of the Metropolis KirbyDitko Nuclear Reactor, I made peace with the fact that I'd reached a new low. 
 
 And 2013 was supposed to be my year, too. 
 
 This blond girl comes in carrying a rolled up map and a bag full of tacos. Bombshell, I mean the kind of curves you only see in comic books. She sets up shop at the front lobby and starts yellin' orders at this big headed kid. 
 
 Yeah. Big headed. Like something went wrong while they were sizin''im - shit was... well, just too big to be comfortable. And he's sniffin' around her like some kinda animal, all glassy eyed and shit. Of course, I watched them from the security cameras. 
 
 Anyway, at first it seemed like... well, like they just could n't stop makin' out, to be honest. She'd unroll the map and he'd check the perimeter for a minute and then... it was like they was magnetised or somethin'. He'd make eye contact with her from across the room, she'd... well it looked like pity at first, but pretty soon they were slobberin' all over each other up against the wall. 
 
 This was during my `` If the world wo n't accept me, I'll set the ozone layer on fire'' phase, so naturally the longer they waited, the more time I had to prime The Sky Licker - an industrial strength, aerially deployed napalm capable of burning through the earth's oxygenated defense field within a week and a half. 
 
 And, honestly, as I watched the two of them grope each other like teenagers while my henchmen loaded Licker canisters into the deployment rocket, what could go wrong? 
 
 Jesus, what was he trying to do, actually eat her head? Whatever was going on there, this woman was a benevolent and possibly near sighted angel with a thing for hairy men. 
 
 I turned my attention away from the grope fest as the last of the canisters went into the payload dispenser. 
 
 My time, at hand. All of these many years, waiting in the wings while the pieces of my dastardly puzzle fell, evilly into place, and now, now on the eve of the birthday of St Smythe, my hour was upon us. Upon the world. Now I would have - wait, where the hell did they go? 
 
 One of my henchmen looked at me and frowned with questioning. 
 
 `` The Crimson Author and Flutes & Ladders, you numbskull!'' 
 
 `` You rang?'' 
 
 Spinning around from my computer monitors, I knew it was already too late. As a high arched woman's boot I knew from personal experience was both steel toed and very expensive hit me in the jaw, I heard both the sickening shift of my own mandible and the lilting sound of man and woman laughing together in unison. 
 
 `` You never had a chance, Ben the Gangly,'' I heard a slightly girlish man's voice say. Before I could move a muscle from my agonised and hunched over position on the floor, they'd rounded up my zebra striped henchteam and were positioned on top of my blueprints, haphazardly putting together what looked like a chimichanga. 
 
 `` But... how... you too make an AWFUL superhero team!'' 
 
 They smiled - a sickening smile from one person to another, clearly in love, and she turned to me and said: `` Eat shit.'' 
 
 That was the last I remember before I blacked out. I woke up here, tied to a 10 speed mountain bike with this sign around my neck. 
 
 What? No I will not read it out for the - well then get a camera guy in here to film i - no, I'm not obstructing arrest, I just do n't wa - 
 
 Fine. 
 
 It says `` Sleep spanked by The Crimson Author and Flutes and Ladders. Return to sender whenever you get bored.'' 
 
 Fuck you guys, can I speak to my lawyer please?
