[ WP ] You 're being followed by a poisonous mushroom that is persistent on being eaten .

`` Just a bite?'' He asks. `` No!'' I respond. `` C'mon. A nibble!'' `` What is wrong with you?'' I pick up the mushroom and toss him across the forest. He hits a tree stump, falls to the ground and starts hopping towards me. I keep walking out of the forest, basket of portobellos on my arm. This mushroom I've never seen before. I pulled him out of the ground to get a good luck but then he started asking me to eat him raw. Ever since then he's been following me. 
 
 `` I'm heading home and I'm not taking you with me!'' I announce. I'm walking at a leisurely pace. What's he gon na do, stab me? `` Darling, if you do n't chew me up and swallow me, I might just explode!'' `` Do n't call me darling, creep.'' This mushroom is starting to get annoying. `` How about I step on you instead?'' I tease. `` Not gon na happen. I want you to eat me like those mushrooms you got there.'' `` No way in hell I'm eating something that can speak English.'' `` Ok, take me to Japan. Someone will eat me there. Or Russia. Or Sweden.'' `` How do you even know what these places are? You're a mushroom!'' I can see the forest's exit now. Just a few more minutes and I can drive away in my car. He ca n't follow me at 60 MPH. 
 
 `` Doll I just wan na get eaten. It's my purpose! Like it or not, I'm food!'' `` You're a freak of nature! Do n't you want to live?'' `` Not really. I'm just as alive as plants like vegetables. Only dif'rence is I can speak. Not something to fret about. Chop me up and put me in soup if you must.'' 
 I place the heel of my foot on his cap and press lightly, with microscopic force. `` Do n't follow me.'' `` I'd follow you anywhere, beautiful.'' Was I getting hit on my fungus? 
 
 I get into my car and drive away. I go to turn on the radio and find the mushroom on the dashboard. I almost crashed! `` Holy crap! How'd you get in here?'' `` We fungi are a persistent bunch.'' 
 
 Twenty minutes later I was at home with half a pound of portobellos and one unknown specimen. He was diced and ready to go into an omelet. It was a good omelet. After I finished, I started to cough. My throat started closing up, like it was an allergic reaction. 
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
 Martha collapsed onto the floor and died. But I, the mushroom, took over her brain and have myself a new body. A hot one, too. 
 
 The end. ¯\_ ( ツ ) _/¯
