[ WP ] The devil dies , and learns of a second afterlife .

Lucifer had spent his life trying to avoid the shadow of God, which was really quite a pain in the ass. The old man really was a conniving, controlling, dogmatic little bastard, and he seemed to be everywhere, what with the omnipresence and whatnot. To get away from him, Lucifer had been forced to take less than desirable real estate, but Hell wasn ’ t all that bad. Hot, smelly, and crowded, but really, there were worse conditions in your average subway station. Lucifer had made a good life in Hell, all in all. Best of all, God seemed to ignore him other than instructing his prophets to write cutting rumors about him in that big fancy burn book of his. 
 
 At least, that whole teenage-girl-style passive aggression seemed to be the case until God sent that hot shot Jesus with all that godly divinity down to clean up the joint. Lucifer didn ’ t know how God had managed to create an ass that was more self-righteous than he was, but somehow that old fart had done it, and in strode in Jesus like he was the freaking savior of the world. 
 
 Jesus did not belong in Hell. Hell was dirty, filthy, and well, hellish. Yet Jesus was wearing white robes and sandals. Didn ’ t he know he could get some sort of weird toe fungus walking around like that? Lucifer guessed one sweep of God ’ s magic wand would probably take care of it, but still; it hardly seemed hygienic. 
 
 Nonetheless, Jesus the celestial and impractical had reached one hand out of his pristine white robes, and he smote the hell out of Lucifer. Or the Lucifer out of Hell, as it would be. Lucifer hadn ’ t even really known that he could die. Cast out of heaven, yeah, but die? That was a new one. 
 
 What was stranger was waking up, not in fluffy clouds or in sulfur pools, but in a vast meadow that never ended beneath a sky that never clouded, where time was nonexistent. Lucifer could feel the pulse of each soul, and in turn, his soul was felt by all. Gone was heaven and Hell. Gone was judgment. Gone was God. What was left was paradise. 
 
 Lucifer stood up, ready to embrace this new eternity, until he himself was embraced, much, much too tightly. 
 
 “ My dearest brother, I offer my most sincere condolences. I should have seen that it was not my place to try to force you to the path of righteousness. ” Jesus said, as sanctimonious as ever. “ From now on, brother, we shall never be parted! ” 
 
 Lucifer supposed the smiting must have been reflected or backfired or something, and somehow this Jesus prick died too and had joined him in this afterlife. 
 
 Oh hell, now Lucifer was going to have to find some forsaken corner of land in whatever this place was to find a way to avoid this pious prick. 
 
 “ Goddammit! ” Lucifer swore. 
 
 Sometimes a guy can ’ t catch a break.
