[ WP ] You are an undercover agent who has been given orders to investigate the prison system from inside . After each crime you commit they find a reason why you should n't be prosecuted l

I stood there, my cheap plastic mask poking me in the eye, pointing the shotgun at the bank teller and thinking to myself, for like the eighth time since I got my orders, that my superiors were fucking idiots. 
 
 `` Take me to the safe. Now'' I was yelling but my heart was n't really in it. The bank teller's eyes went wide so I assume that was lost on them. Or maybe it had something to do with the shotgun. 
 
 As they took me to the vault I wondered, also for like the eighth time, why I actually had to commit a crime. Could n't they just put me in jail, or help stage a crime or something? 
 
 In the vault I filled a duffle bag with money and wondered where the cops were. I should have been able to hear sirens by now. 
 
 `` Did you push the silent alarm?'' I said to the scared bank teller 
 
 `` No'' 
 
 I really hoped she was lying. 
 
 `` Did you push the silent alarm?'' I said, trying to put more menace into it this time but still my heart was n't in it so I jabbed the air in front of her face with the shotgun. 
 
 `` No'' she said again, tears streaming from here eyes. She was telling the truth. 
 
 `` Well why not'' 
 
 `` Wh…what?'' 
 
 `` Why did n't you push the silent alarm'' 
 
 `` You said not to'' 
 
 `` No I did n't'' 
 
 `` Oh, that must have been the last guy'' 
 
 I just sighed. 
 
 … 
 
 `` You're free to go'' 
 
 `` What?'' 
 
 `` You can go'' 
 
 `` Wha… I robbed a bank'' 
 
 `` Yeah but you know who the real thieves are? The banks'' 
 
 `` Johnson just lost his house'' 
 
 `` I'm sorry but you know what might cheer you up though, throwing the book at me'' 
 
 `` No, I could n't do that to a fellow poor sap who got screwed over by the economy'' 
 
 `` Yes you could'' 
 
 … 
 
 I stood on top of a Lexus, bringing the sledge hammer down into the front windshield over and over again. Car alarms were going off on the other three cars I had already smashed. 
 
 I jumped down and ran to another car and started smashing that one. By the fifth car I realized I had an audience. 
 
 `` Uh, hi'' 
 
 There were a chorus of `` hi'', `` hey'' and `` hello'' 
 
 `` So, uh, are you guys salesman?'' 
 
 There was a chorus of `` yup'' and `` yes'' and `` uh-hu'' 
 
 `` And you're fine with me smashing your cars?'' 
 
 There was a chorus of `` yup'' and `` I think they're insured'' and `` I'm not paid enough to care'' 
 
 `` Un-fucking believable'' I said, dropping the hammer and walking away. 
 
 … 
 
 My next plan was to walk up to a squad car, pour cocaine on the hood and snort it, but then I realized that would involve me actually being on cocaine. 
 
 I liked the general premise, and I knew a cocaine guy, the plan just needed some tweaking. 
 
 … 
 
 `` Hey officer'' I said, as I walked up to the cop and shoved a handful of cocaine into his face. 
 
 … 
 
 My vision was a bit foggy from the black eyes but I was able to make out two figures in the room. As they sat down I saw who they were. 
 
 `` Oh fuck'' I said, but with my busted mouth it was more like `` Oh thuck'' 
 
 `` You're free to go'' 
 
 `` Of course thiam, than I asth fy?'' 
 
 `` Well we've kind of been having an excessive force problem recently, so to balance it out we're pretty much letting anyone hurt in anyway go'' 
 
 `` Plus we all agree that that cop needs to loosen up'' 
 
 `` Yeah, no one likes him'' 
 
 … 
 
 On the way out I punched a cop, stole his gun and started firing wildly. Just at desks and chairs and the ceiling and lamps and stuff. 
 
 As much as I figured that killing a cop would get me sent to jail ( or maybe it was more of a fear that anything less than that would n't ) I still did n't want to do it. 
 
 It was a spur of the moment plan, mostly born out of anger. Those are the sort of plans where you forget key facts. 
 
 Like guns run out of bullets. 
 
 And cops carry guns. 
 
 I hid under a desk, cursing my luck, the police force, my superiors and half a dozen other un related things while plaster and splinters rained down around me. 
 
 `` Hey I think he's out'' said someone. It sounded like Johnson. 
 
 `` Well he's not shooting anymore'' 
 
 `` Did we get him?'' 
 
 `` No'' I said, at this point half mournfully. 
 
 Which brought on another volley. 
 
 `` How about now?'' 
 
 `` Nope'' 
 
 `` Ok guys this time aim low'' I said 
 
 `` Wait a second'' 
 
 `` What?'' 
 
 `` Someone shot up the precinct'' 
 
 `` So?'' 
 
 `` So you know what that means?'' 
 
 `` What?'' 
 
 `` Half day'' 
 
 There was a cheer and a shuffling of feet. I stayed huddled under the desk for a minute, then risked peeking over the top. The office was empty. 
 
 `` Unthucking bewivable'' I said. 
 
 Then I went to the nearest place that sold ice cream.
