[ WP ] Another murder case where once again all evidence points to the squirrels .

“ Sir, I ’ m sorry to say that all the evidence points away from Gibson. ” 
 
 “ Is that right? You ’ re trying to tell me, Johnson, that the blind man didn ’ t covertly shoot the victim? ” 
 
 “ Yes, sir, that is exactly what I ’ m telling you. He has quite a solid alibi, you know. ” 
 
 He ’ s also blind. ” 
 
 “ That ’ s true. ” 
 
 The chief sat in his lawn chair contemplatively; he wanted to spin in it, but last time he had attempted this the results hadn ’ t been satisfactory. He held the evidence in a small bag in front of him. It was a bullet, and quite a distinctive one, at that- it seemed to be wooden. Now, of course, the chief liked to think he was a smart man, and knew that wooden bullets simply weren ’ t something that could be done, but the charred piece had been found less than ten feet away from the victim, and perfectly matched the hole he bore in his head. There shouldn ’ t have been a way for the [ suspiciously nut-shaped ] bullet to even travel so far, let alone kill a man- It was all very strange, he had to admit. The victim was out on his morning jog, when according to the witnesses, there was a loud bang, a rather surprised look, and a body on the sidewalk. The only evidence found so far was the wooden bullet, and a note that read, in nearly illegible handwriting, “ det re payed. ” 
 
 Upon doing research on the victim, it was found that he had lived in the neighborhood for decades, and had made a habit of feeding the resident squirrels every morning. He had few friends and family, which is to say he had none, yet he also had no enemies to speak of: Benny Garcia was a man that did his best not to make waves. 
 
 “ Sir? ” 
 
 The chief was brought back to the present. 
 
 “ Yes, yes, I ’ m fine. I was just recalling the details of the case for exposition purposes. ” 
 
 “ I see, ” the detective said, although in reality he didn ’ t. 
 
 “ Anyways, I ’ ve been thinking, what if the squirrels did it? ” 
 
 “ The squirrels? ” 
 
 “ Yes; what if he stopped feeding them? ” 
 
 “ Squirrels. ” 
 
 “ It ’ d make sense. For instance, the acorn bullet. Maybe he stopped feeding his squirrels and they.. Reacted this way. ” 
 
 “ Sir, are you alright? ” 
 
 The chief was not alright, for he had just begun to think of how many questions were answered by the word “ squirrels. ” How had Benny Garcia been murdered? Squirrels, of course. How did Keemstar become such a popular figure? Again, he realized, the answer was squirrels. Squirrels with mice and keyboards, of course. Nobody else would support such a man. Perhaps they could be hired? Yes, yes, squirrels that would do anything for the right price. It was all coming together for the chief. How was president Trump elected? Why, squirrels must have hacked the computer systems and rigged the system! The pyramids? Squirrels! To the chief, it was as if all had become clear to him in an instant; his mind had been opened and wouldn ’ t close. Of course, this was probably all part of the squirrels ’ plan. He knew how much of the world ’ s problems and mysteries could be solved by answering “ squirrels. ” 
 
 Of course, the chief shared all this with his friend, the detective. The detective denied, it, so the chief looked at him happily and explained he was in possession of a gun for the squirrels. 
 
 The detective, likely being a squirrel himself, disregarded it and backed out of the room. 
 
 The chief drove home late that night, thinking of squirrels. 
 
 The chief would be found on the side of the road two days later, with an acorn embedded in his chest, and a note: 
 
 
 “ silensed. ” 
 
 
 
 Of course, nobody bothered to tell the chief he was right a year later during the squirrel uprising, because everyone was dead within a month. There is a lesson to this tale- and that lesson is that eventually, if one looks hard enough, squirrels will be involved. 

