[ WP ] You 've just became the leader of your country , what do you do first ?

My fellow citizens. I stand before you today on the precipice of great change. Some of you will find the change intimidating at first. But know this. What I do, I do for the love of this great nation and all its people. 
 
 First of all, I'm introducing a ten year moratorium on love songs. Sometimes it's like you people think there's nothing else to write about. On a related note, I'm setting up a new government agency to delete 99 % of all poems written from this point on. If you ca n't be trusted, you ca n't have nice things. 
 
 All microtransactions in video games will be made illegal, along with all loans with an APR of over 20 %. Profit margins on popcorn will be cut to 15 %. Let's not be the nation that screws people, eh? 
 
 There will be a new government agency, called the Centre for Settling Stupid Disputes. Call the hotline, explain your side of the argument in 30 seconds or less, and one of our representatives will make a largely arbitrary decision that you will later discover did n't make any difference anyway. 
 
 Rapists will be chemically castrated. If you think that's brutal, think how easy it is not to rape people. 
 
 We're going to introduce an annual Hunger Games style battle to the death for anyone who is cited for failing to use their blinkers while driving. You get three chances, then you can take your chances in the ring. 
 
 CEO wages will be capped at 20 % higher than the average worker in the company. If you think this will in any way affect the calibre of people seeking those positions, then you have a lot to learn about our species. We will have a whistleblower scheme set up to catch people who watch movies like The Wolf of Wall Street, and say afterwards'they were cool guys. That looks great.' for instant'reeducation' in minimum wage jobs. 
 
 Soccer players taking an obvious dive will receive a lifetime ban, and I will personally replicate an injury of the severity that they were pretending. 
 
 Internet trolls will have to live under a bridge. 
 
 Finally, and I ca n't stress this enough, *anyone* caught getting to the top of an escalator, and then stopping - like they ca n't imagine what happens to the people behind them on a platform that's constantly moving upwards - will be executed on the spot. Firm but fair, people. You've had more than a hundred years to get used to this technology. It's time to get to grips with it. 
 
 Thank you, and I look forward to your vote in the next election, which I will now schedule for June 21st 2099.
