[ WP ] `` The time I accidentally kickstarted Armageddon , or how I spent my summer . ''

`` The time I accidentally kickstarted Armageddon, or, how I spent my summer vacation'' 
 Danny Carriveaux 
 AP English, 9/2/15 
 Mrs. Gundrum 
 
 My summer was totally boring. I made subs at Subway and tried to save money for college. When I was n't doing that, I was out with my friends at the skate park or at house parties. Those were cool. One night in July, I was at a party and did n't meet any girls, so I walked back home. In my room, I turned on my laptop and played around for a bit. I thought I was looking at a Kickstarter page for Food For Sherman, one of my favorite bands, looking to finance their new album. Nobody had donated, and I wanted to be the first. I gave them five bucks, then went to bed. 
 
 When I woke up, four dudes were standing around in my room. The tallest of them, wearing an awesome blood-red suit of armor, asked me `` Daniel Carriveaux, arise and assume your place as the one who will bring about the destruction of man,'' or something like that. 
 
 `` What?'' I asked, totally confused. 
 
 He told me that the men in my room were the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse who had been waiting for an invitation into our world to do the end of the world, and I was going to lead them. And I'd given it to them when I donated to their Kickstarter. I told War that I thought I was giving money to a band, and he said `` We know. We thought it would be a lot more popular.'' Then he showed me the page, and sure enough, as a reward for donating five dollars, you called in the Four Horsemen and oversaw the destruction of mankind, leading to the final battle between good and evil. 
 
 I told him that sounded awesome, but there were some things that needed to be done first. Like, they needed to cover for me at my job while I slept off my hangover. Not my best idea. All the food got rotten and had to be thrown away the moment Famine walked in the door, and anyone eating a sandwich already got food poisoning and died on the spot thanks to Death. Pestilence violated a whole bunch of health codes, and War got into a fight with my manager and got me fired, which they told me when they showed up at my house an hour later. They wanted to know when the real work would be done, killing and sickness and starvation and all that. I told them to cool it. That's not really my bag. 
 
 Instead, we all hung around and I brought them to parties. Chicks thought it was so cool that I was friends with the four horsemen, at least until they got super sick and started puking. They looked really out of place walking around with those horses, so instead I got them into skateboarding and taught them some tricks. After a month, we were the Five Shredders of the Apocalypse: War, Death, Famine, Pestilence, and Chill. They were seriously up on wrecking humanity's shit, so I was always telling them to relax. I managed to get them super into Breaking Bad on Netflix, though, so when they discovered that, they stopped trying to kill people all the time and they were some pretty alright dudes. 
 
 Then, about a week before school started, we were skating down the street when the ground started to shake. I thought it was an earthquake, but everything went pitch black but bright at the same time. Was I having a stroke like my grandpa? No, it turns out that I was surrounded by a bunch of angels and demons. On one side stood the devil, dressed in this weird flowing robe, holding a sword and looking sort of like a chick, and behind him stood thousands of demons ready for war like a scene from Lord of the Rings. On the other side in a ring of light was Jesus Christ, who did n't look anything like my church says he looks, leading a bunch of angels dressed all in white with wings and halos and spears. 
 
 Then Jesus and Satan stepped forward and they looked at me and the Horsemen in disbelief and shock. No one seemed to say anything for a really long time, so I broke the ice and said `` Hi, I'm Danny. These are my boys. What's up?'' 
 
 `` We know who you are,'' Jesus said, super disappointed. 
 
 `` This planet was supposed to be ruined! We were supposed to hold the battle for the fate of all men's souls this day, as had been appointed eons ago!'' Satan hissed. 
 
 `` Oh. Yeah, my bad,'' I told them. `` I was n't really feeling the whole thing. I'm more of a chill kind of guy, you know?'' 
 
 Jesus scoffed. ``'Chill'? My Father, the creator of everything in existence, ordained this date as the day when creation would come to an end and one side would emerge victorious in our spiritual war, and you threw that away because you wanted to be chill? There was supposed to be a wasteland for us to wage our battle upon!'' 
 
 `` A wasteland? Well, stuff's pretty shitty south of 12th Street,'' I offered. 
 
 Both Jesus and the devil screamed. The devil said `` You four, with me!'' and I could hear my buddies behind me poof out of existence. Then Satan pointed a clawed finger at me and said `` Say your prayers, bitch, because I wo n't forget this!'' Finally, he looked at Jesus and said `` Tell your dad to get back to me when he has a new date for Armageddon picked out. Unbelievable...'' And then he and his demons all disappeared in a huge puff of black smoke, and I was left with Jesus and ten thousand angels all staring at me in disappointment. 
 
 `` How did this happen?'' the son of God asked me. 
 
 `` You know how you turned water into wine? Well, I turned whiskey into drunk. The rest was all the horsemen showing up and wanting to wreck n00bs. I never asked for it.'' 
 
 Jesus just shook his head, then slowly disappeared along with his angels, and I was back in the middle of the street, alone, with a car beeping at me to move out of the way. 
 
 So that was my summer vacation, meeting the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, avoiding the end of the world, disappointing Jesus and Lucifer, and losing my job at Subway. All in all, kind of a boring summer if you ask me. I'd rather be like my friend Kyle who worked on an oil rig with his uncle outside of Mexico. At least he got a tan. 
 
 The end. 
 
 `` Danny, 
 Wonderful imagination! A+''
