[ PI ] The Delicate Wasteland of the Brain - FEB CONTEST

Nice story! It kept me interested until I finished, which is more than I can say for a lot of stories! I have four pieces of feedback ( two positive, and two negative ): 
 
 1. First off, I was happy with how the conclusion tied the story together, though it was n't as deft as it could have been ( others have mentioned the clumsiness of the denouement ). The conclusion that I understood ( correct me if I'm wrong ) was that Mary and Hana were just different aspects of the same person, the person who was shot before the story began. By walking out on `` Mary'', the protagonist is coming to terms with the fact that she had been mortally wounded. I thought the story itself was a great way of communicating that message. ( If that *isn't* what you were going for, you can correct me or just smile and nod.: ) ) 
 
 2. I had some trouble with the pacing. Structurally there's an obvious rising action and climax, but the actual sentences and paragraphs keep the same structure as the story progresses. I would have liked to see a shift in tone, or at least in the attitude of the narrator, that did n't amount to a few one-off `` This was new'' kind of statements. Show the climax to me in the writing, rather than having your narrator tell it to me. 
 
 3. Your language was often clever. I appreciated the personification in the line 
 
 > Breakfast was a pile of tropical fruits that had never met each other in the wild outside of this patch of rainforest deep in the desert. 
 
 There were a lot of other little turns like that which tickled me. Keep those up! 
 
 \4. Your narration was sometimes heavy-handed. Not only at the end ( which was mentioned ), but at places like this: 
 
 > She had heard Mary ’ s scream so many times before, but never this close. It had never occurred to her that she was kidnapping the girl. There was no question that she was the bad guy now. 
 
 I think what bothered me the most was that you state the plot points precisely at the times when I would more rather figure things out for myself. I would have gotten a lot of satisfaction if you clearly drew the parallels between this time and the last time, and let me reach the correct conclusion. Now it just feels like you're just hitting me over the head with it. 
 
 In the interest of 73 other stories, that's all I have time for, but let me end by saying that I did enjoy this story, and that technically it was great!
