[ WP ] Bernie Sanders wins the presidency but is secretly assassinated . Now one of his team must continue his presidency ala Weekend at Bernie 's .

A lobbyist enters the Oval Office. 
 
 Lobbyist:'Ello, I wish to register a complaint. 
 
 ( The press secretary does not respond. ) 
 
 L:'Ello, Miss? 
 
 Owner: What do you mean `` miss''? 
 
 L: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint! 
 
 P: We're closin' for Martin Luther King day. 
 
 L: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this president what I donated to not three months ago from this very city. 
 
 P: Oh yes, the, uh, the Northeastern Socialist... What's, uh... What's wrong with it? 
 
 L: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad.'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it! 
 
 P: No, no,'e's uh,... he's resting. 
 
 L: Look, matey, I know a dead socialist when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now. 
 
 P: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable politician, the Northeaster Socialist, idn'it, ay? Catchy slogans! 
 
 L: The slogans do n't enter into it. It's stone dead. 
 
 P: Nononono, no, no!'E's resting! 
 
 L: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! 
 
 ( shouting at the seated socialist with the rictus grin ) 
 
'Ello, Mister Bleeding'eart! I've got a lovely fresh massive tax increase for you if you show... ( Press secretary hits the chair ) 
 
 P: There, he moved! 
 
 L: No, he did n't, that was you hitting the chair! 
 
 P: I never!! 
 
 L: Yes, you did! 
 
 P: I never, never did anything... 
 
 L: ( yelling and hitting the chair repeatedly )'ELLO PROGRESSIVE!!!!! 
 
 Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call! 
 
 ( Takes socialist out of the chair and thumps its head on the oval office table. Throws him up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor. ) 
 
 L: Now that's what I call a dead socialist. 
 
 P: No, no.....No,'e's stunned! 
 
 L: STUNNED?!? 
 
 P: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Septuagenarian socialists stun easily, major. 
 
 L: Um... now look... now look, mate, I've definitely'ad enough of this. That socialist is definitely deceased, and when I donated to his campaign not three months ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged town hall meeting. 
 
 P: Well, he's... he's, ah... probably pining for some Ben and Jerry's. 
 
 L: PININ' for ICE CREAM?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment he was sworn in? 
 
 P: The Northeastern Socialist prefers kippin' on it's back! Remarkable progressive, id'nit, squire? Lovely campaign slogans! 
 
 L: Look, I took the liberty of examining that president during the press conerence, and I discovered the only reason that it had been standing at the podium in the first place was that it had been NAILED there. 
 
 ( pause ) 
 
 P: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I had n't nailed that socialist down, it would have jumped over that podium, went straight for the Fox News reporter, and VOOM! Scandal! 
 
 L: `` VOOM''?!? Mate, this socialist would n't `` voom'' if you put four million volts through it!'E's bleedin' demised! 
 
 P: No no!'E's pining! 
 
 L:'E's not pinin'!'E's passed on! This socialist is no more! He has ceased to be!'E's expired and gone to meet'is maker! 
 
'E's a stiff! Bereft of life,'e rests in peace! If you had n't nailed'im to the podium'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 
'Is metabolic processes are now'istory!'E's off the twig! 
'E's kicked the bucket,'e's shuffled off'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! 
 
 THIS IS AN EX-PRESIDENT!! 
 
 ( pause ) 
 
 P: Well, I'd better replace it, then. 
 
 ( he takes a quick peek in the hallway ) 
 
 P: Sorry squire, I've had a look'round the back of the oval office, and uh, we're right out of presidents. 
 
 L: I see. I see, I get the picture. 
 
 P: I got a Secretary of State. 
 
 ( pause ) 
 
 L: ( sweet as sugar ) Pray, does it raise taxes sky high? 
 
 P: Nnnnot really. 
 
 L: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!? 
 
 P: Look, if you go to the DNC, they'll replace the president for you. 
 
 L: DNC, eh? Very well. 
 
 The customer leaves. 
 
 The customer enters the same pet shop. The owner is putting on a false moustache. 
 
 L: This is the DNC, is it? 
 
 P: ( with a fake mustache ) No, it's MSNBC. 
 
 L: ( looking at the camera ) That's inter-city rail for you. 
 
 The customer goes to the train station. 
 
 He addresses a man standing behind a desk marked `` Complaints''. 
 
 L: I wish to complain, District of Columbia Public Transit Person. 
 
 Attendant: I DO N'T HAVE TO DO THIS JOB, YOU KNOW!!! 
 
 L: I beg your pardon...? 
 
 A: I'm a qualified brain surgeon! I only do this job because I like being my own boss! 
 
 L: Excuse me, this is irrelevant, is n't it? 
 
 A: Yeah, well it's not easy to pad these python files out to 200 lines, you know. 
 
 L: Well, I wish to complain. I got on the train and found myself deposited here at MSNBC. 
 
 A: No, this is the White House. 
 
 L: ( to the camera ) The president's press secretary was lying!! 
 
 A: Ca n't blame DC Public Transit for that. 
 
 L: In that case, I shall return to the White House! 
 
 He does. 
 
 L: I understand this IS the White House. 
 
 P: ( still with the fake mustache ) Yes? 
 
 L: You told me it was MSNBC! 
 
 P:... It was a pun. 
 
 L: ( pause ) A PUN?!? 
 
 P: No, no... not a pun... What's that thing that spells the same backwards as forwards? 
 
 L: ( Long pause ) A palindrome...? 
 
 P: Yeah, that's it! 
 
 L: It's not a palindrome! The palindrome of `` White House'' would be `` Esouh Etihw''!! It do n't work!! 
 
 P: Well, what do you want? 
 
 L: I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any longer as I think this is getting too silly! 
 
 Marco Rubio: Quite agree, quite agree, too silly, far too silly...
