[ WP ] A man tries to commit suicide 50 times but something always stops him . It is almost as if the universe wants him to stay alive .

Whoever said death is inevitable never met me. Life is the only thing I can seem to count on in this world. She called me out of nowhere today. She's pregnant and wants to give it another shot. 
 
 50 My apartment was robbed. Filed a police report over my stolen handgun. On a side note, who'd have thought a train conductor had such good reflexes? 
 
 49 Fell asleep while Googling how to remove the safety from my new gun. No gas leak.: ( 
 
 48 I think my doctor's been giving me placebos. The least I can hope for is diabetes. # fingerscrossed 
 
 47 Five neckties, one slipknot and four rusted bolts on my ceiling fan. 
 
 46 Remarkably strong Jehovah's Witnesses on the overpass. Opposing views of what constitutes good news. 
 
 45 A lot of pills. 
 
 44 Two week waiting period for a firearm in my state. # ThanksObama Pills. 
 
 43 Public defender finds an error in the undercover's arrest paperwork. Congratulates me as I give up on dreams of being shanked in the lunch line. 
 
 42 Locked myself in the garage with my girlfriend's Prius running. One tank of gas and a shitty nap later, I'm single. 
 
 41 Undercover cops and a lot of fake heroin. 
 
 40 Ca n't find my straight razor. Pills. 
 
 39 That awkward moment when you walk through your front door with a bottle of gin and a new straight razor only to have your girlfriend, half of her family and most of yours flip on the lights and yell, `` Surprise!'' 
 
 38 Rooftop of my apartment building is closed for maintenance and my safety, apparently. 
 
 37 Polar bears at the zoo are much more docile than one would imagine. 
 
 36 Pills 
 
 35 Broken tibia and a prescription for pain pills. Note to self: Three stories is n't high enough. 
 
 34 Lateral incisions are the key. I'm gon na have to start using Google. 
 
 33 Apparently there's a special way to tie a noose. 
 
 32 The driver of the semi told me I was lucky that he had just started his route fresh. 
 
 31 Standing on the edge of a bridge when a school bus breaks down next to me. I'm not a monster. 
 
 30 She now chokes me during sex. Her hands are weak. 
 
 29Girlfriend caught me with a Ziploc bag tied around my head. Told her it was a `` weird masturbation thing.'' I lied. 
 
 28 PSA: Swords at the Ren Fair are not sharpened. 
 
 27 Almost choked on a frozen bagel this morning. Almost. 
 
 26 A warm, relaxing bath, my ( now ) broken toaster and a poorly timed blackout. 
 
 25 Drove out to the gorge today. Transmission died at the edge. 
 
 24 Got a cold from standing in the rain with a iron bar raised over my head. Maybe I'm over thinking this. 
 
 23 If you hire a hitman off of Craig's List, do n't pay him in advance. 
 
 22 Ticket for being drunk and disorderly. I thought tasers were lethal. 
 
 21 A week in the hospital after `` accidentally'' ingesting rat poison. Girlfriend promises not to cook for me anymore. 
 
 20 Mugged on my way to the bridge last night. A nice police officer insisted on taking me home. 
 
 19 Seriously, are there no more drunk drivers in this city? 
 
 18 Tried going on another one of my late night strolls on the freeway again last night. 
 
 17 The fireman who saw me run into the burning building said that I should stop being a hero. I told him to follow his own advice. 
 
 16 There's not as much freeway traffic after midnight as I had hoped. 
 
 15 Residential streets have a speed limit of only 25. Good brakes are my enemy. 
 
 14 Borrowed my uncle's gun and the wrong bullets. 
 
 13 She caught me with my head in my electric oven. I had to make her dinner. 
 
 12 Fired for calling in sick too much. Flintstones vitamins are n't near as lethal as my mother told me. 
 
 11 Drain cleaner tastes horrible and is impossible to keep down. 
 
 10 Do n't mix chlorine and bleach in a well-ventilated bathroom. 
 
 9 I now know that most train tracks in this city are abandoned. 
 
 8 `` Food poisoning''. 
 
 7 After a whole bottle of caffeine pills, my apartment is spotless. I told her I cleaned it just for her. 
 
 6 That lake in the park is shallow. 
 
 5 I think my blood clots faster than most. 
 
 4 She keeps saying that I ca n't do anything right. After failing to read the label on the pill bottle, I'm starting to think she's right. 
 
 3 Third time's the charm unless your Zippo runs out of fluid. 
 
 2 Safety mechanisms on construction equipment have come a long way. 
 
 1 She'll be sorry when I'm gone. There's always tomorrow to try again. 
 

