[ WP ] You hear a politician rehearsing a speech . That 's normal . What is n't normal is the politician rehearsing being assassinated in the middle of it .

“ And as we move forward with this administration, I believe that every one of you will … ” Senator Willis rattled off, practicing his upcoming speech in an empty board room inside his senate offices. “ … looking forward to — “ 
 
 “ BANG! ” Senator Willis yelled out. 
 
 The senator staggered backwards in the boardroom, yelling out. “ Oh no! Oh no! The crowd goes wild. Blood spurting everywhere. ” The senator narrated as he squished ketchup packets onto his chest. He ’ d gotten the packets from a nearby Denny's. 
 
 Willis practiced falling onto his back, and letting out one last death spasm before falling silent. The boardroom was still for a moment as Willis lay there, before the senator stood up and dusted off his suit. The man turned to his public relations specials, Jim Jonry. Stains of red ketchup covered the senator as he spoke. 
 
 “ I just don ’ t know Jim. Do you really think this will work? ” 
 
 Jonry looked up from his cellphone. He ’ d just finished the final touches on Senator Willis ’ s next, and probably most memorable, press conference to date. 
 
 “ Of course it will Willis, you ’ re talking to the king of spin over here. There isn ’ t a story I can ’ t flip on its head, an ugly duckling that I can ’ t turn into a beautiful swan. ” 
 
 “ Yeah, yeah I know that. But do you really think that getting assassinated will make the media forget about my infidelities and that whole giving one of my mistresses state secrets case? ” Willis asked. 
 
 “ No, no, that ’ s not it! If you just got assassinated, no one would forget anything. What you ’ re going to do is *pretend* to be assassinated. When the public finds out that you ’ re still alive after faking your death, they ’ ll blow up. Everyone will forget about your dozens of mistress once they ’ re busy going nuts over your failed attempt at faking your own death. It ’ s genius really! ” Jim exclaimed in excitement. He ’ d thought of the idea one late night after watching the Bourne trilogy and consuming a heavy quantity of liquor. 
 
 “ Well, alright then. ” The senator replied, walking over to a corner cabinet and pouring himself a stiff drink of scotch. “ As long as I get elected next term, I don ’ t care what happens. I ’ ve got a sweet deal with big oil coming up. All I have to do is pollute the local water supply, and get rid of a pesky national park, and I ’ ve got a fancy new mansion waiting for me to inhabit it. ” 
 
 “ Yes yes, that ’ s all well and good. ” Jim replied, only half listening. It seemed that every couple of months the senator had some new bribe to trick the public into supporting corrupt business. The senator had been in power for over a decade now, and only recently had wind of his scandals and corrupt dealings caught media attention. 
 
 “ Do you think this will improve my chances with evangelicals? I mean they aren ’ t a big fan of infidelity, do you really think that this will make them forget about all of that? ” Willis asked between sips of scotch. 
 
 Jim shrugged his shoulders in reply. “ I can ’ t predict the future, who knows what ’ ll happen. Hell, if we wait three days after the assassination to reveal that you ’ re still alive, maybe they ’ ll think you ’ re the second coming. ” 
 
 “ Hmmm. ” Willis replied, nodding his head in thought. “ That would definitely help my numbers in the polls. Nothing like religious fervor to get people fired up. ” 
 
 Jim turned off his phone and looked up at the senator. “ Now Willis, I ’ ve got a serious question to ask you. ” 
 
 The senator sat down at the meeting table across from Jim Jonry. “ What ’ s up? ” 
 
 “ I heard a rumor the other day that you ’ ve kind of … er … that you ’ ve gotten into the occult lately. ” Jim said, motioning his hands through the air. It was a delicate subject, and he didn ’ t want to put the senator off. 
 
 “ Oh you heard about that? ” Willis asked excitedly. He put down his drink of scotch. “ Yeah I ’ ve really gotten into the whole black magic and devil worship stuff recently. A few months ago, one of my doctors was telling me about how his dad used to study that kind of stuff back during World War II. ” 
 
 “ So, you are doing … *that* kind of stuff. That ’ s fine, that ’ s fine, but the media won ’ t like it if they find out. Maybe it ’ d be safer to stick to the normal stuff, like cocaine and prostitutes. ” Jim replied. 
 
 “ No way man, the devils awesome. I ’ ve really gotten into him and his work. Or her, the whole gender thing is kind of ambiguous sometimes. That ’ s super twenty first century stuff; I bet the millennials would love that. ” Willis said in an animated voice. He stared to remove his necktie and unbutton his shirt. His suit jacket lay disheveled on the ground. 
 
 “ But maybe this is just a phase? You know, that kind of stuff happens to everybody. ” Jim replied, hoping that the senator was just joking with him. Jim was worried, worshipping the devil was probably the only absolute no-no in politics in this day and age. Hell, they were even letting the gays into office nowadays. 
 
 “ Definitely not a phase, I ’ m into this one hundred and ten percent. All the way baby. Here check this out. ” The senator said. 
 
 To Jim ’ s amazement, Senator Willis took off his dress shirt. With a proud look, he displayed his bare chest to the PR specialist in front of him. Tattooed across his chest and belly was a large, black pentagram. In the foreground of the tattoo, a depiction of the devil was dancing, a flute held in his clawed hands. 
 
 “ You can ’ t be serious? ” Jim asked, his mouth agape. 
 
 “ I most certainly am. You ’ d be surprised; there are a bunch of satan worshippers up at capital hill. Heck, I even think I saw a cardinal at one of our last meet-ups. Really nice guy; can draw one mean pentagram I tell you what. ” 
 
 “ Jesus H. Christ you can ’ t be serious! ” Jim yelled, jumping out of his chair. 
 
 “ Hey, no swearing now! ” The senator scolded. “ This is definitely serious, and if you don ’ t like it, well you can just march right our of here this minute then. ” 
 
 “ I will. I mean Christ! Satan worshipping. I could handle the booze and mistresses, the drugs and illegal bribes, but this? There ’ s no way I can spin this if the public gets ahold of it. ” Jim said, storming out of the room. The door slammed shut behind him 
 
 Senator Willis stared at the door, and muttered to himself. “ Screw that, I don ’ t need you. I know a guy who ’ d be more than happy to represent me. ” 
 
 The senator pulled out his phone and sent off a quick text message. A few moments later, a flash of smoke and fire filled the room. From the smoke, the demon Beelzebub appeared. The demon draped an arm of angry red flesh around the senator. 
 
 “ Don ’ t worry big fella, you don ’ t need that guy. Now about that press conference. I ’ ve got a few ideas for you … ” Beelzebub said, getting down to business with his newest client. 
 
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 Hope you liked it. Also, this was kind of a politically charged post, but I'm not trying to push any agendas out there in any way, or even believe any of the stuff in this post ( I wanted to tack this warning on because I always get scared of posting anything politically related on reddit, but I had to post this time, the idea of a politician rehearsing being assassinated was too much of a fun idea for me not to write ). I do much less politically related stuff over at r/ThadsMind if you're interested.
