[ WP ] Turns out the human body IS intelligently design , only by the lowest bidder on an alien planet 10,000 years ago . Describe the company and mess up that led to the worst standards in designs in the human body .

`` Hey guys, VP just called and he's asking for a status update on the Human planetary package? He said company numbers aren ’ t looking good and we really need to get that on the ground before the end of the quarter. Anyone heard of this?'' 
 
 Carlton lead a team that was tasked with independently developing planetary packages. Each package included a custom primary species created by a team member and a random assortment of filler species generated by a computer. An order would come in and based on the requested specifications, Carlton would assign it to the team member who could best do the job. Once the species was design was completed their proprietary systems would assist in developing a full range of complimentary genetic codes to complete the rest of the life required to sustain the planetary environment. Carlton began to vaguely remember receiving an order from an incoherent customer who went on and on about having a species for his son to hang out with. 
 
 “ Yeah Stev ’ e has been working on that one, ask him,'' said Jim. 
 
 “ No. Stev ’ e was fired like a year ago,'' said Sara. `` Remember? Carl gave him that headcase assignment so he ’ d quit but ended up firing him for making another spider thing on the side. ” 
 
 `` I think we can all agree that the limb budget was getting way out of hand. Nothing needs that many legs.'' 
 
 Jim started to smile, `` I still ca n't believe he snuck the crab by you.'' 
 
 `` Do n't remind me. I got all distracted with the way it walked. Who the hell builds something that walks sideways? I did n't think it was a threat. Fucking Stev'e and his weaponized spider.'' He took a deep breath and then said, `` Find whatever he got done and I ’ ll call everyone else in for a meeting. ” An urgent message was quickly sent to the rest of his staff and soon they were gathered in the conference room. 
 
 Carlton began, `` We need to figure out how much he finished and what we need to do. When the meeting ends we will split up the assignments and make this our first priority.'' With that he pulled up the Human on the primary display panel and sent each of them the specifications. 
 
 “ I'm sorry, am I seeing this right,'' Laura asked, `` Did he just bore a hole straight through that thing? One end to the other, just a long open tube exposed to everything? It looks like one child made it and then another child came along to mess it up. ” 
 
 “ And what are all those little tubes everywhere? They are infected with them, ” asked Will. 
 
 Carlton checked his master notes, “ Yes to the first question, though he kind of scrunched up one end. And the infection you referenced is a series of tubes that transport liquid energy to all areas of the body with a pump. Basically nothing in the Human works without a constant resupply of the stuff. The whole system is actually under pressure and I'm not finding a way to turn it off. That ca n't be right. ” 
 
 “ You can ’ t turn it off? So if any area is damaged *just enough* the pump will push all the liquid out? What a genius. How long until a significant leak kills it? ” 
 
 “ Literally a few minutes. It would be unconscious in under a minute. He also covered the outside of the Human with the primer paste for armor. According to this that is how it should be.'' 
 
 Sara had another question, “ I ’ m confused, what is the rest of that stuff he has jammed in next to the pump? It looks like my kid's closet when I tell him to clean his room. ” 
 
 “ Let ’ s see,'' Carlton scrolled through a few menus, `` a few random filters, bags of air, some sort of bag partially filled with acid -- ” 
 
 “ Ok ok now we ’ re talking, ” Jim was the first to show excitement for the Human, “ so this guy spits acid or something? Is the liquid energy stuff made of acid? Damn I should use that idea for my project. ” 
 
 “ Umm, no, actually it ’ s for “ food ” or energy storage and breakdown. It has to take other living things and basically steal their energy to make its own. Let me check something real quick, yeah he did n't use any light absorption or particle manipulation energy sources. This is it. ” 
 
 “ So it has a bag, inside of itself, filled with acid, and it takes other living things and puts them in there. ” 
 
 `` He already set the parameters for the filler species software and it's mostly food. Also that ’ s just part of the process, the opening at the top, are we calling that a top? Who the hell knows what Stev'e called it,'' he pointed, `` That end. The non-scrunched up end has these hard little sharp beads that it ’ s supposed to tear the other species apart with. Because the pieces need to be small enough to make it into the acid bag, he really didn ’ t leave that wide of an opening. ” 
 
 Carlton continued, “ And if I ’ m following this right, he made a mile of tube and really packed it in there. The food goes through that and the body gets really a pathetic amount of energy as it mashes it all up. Then that fleshy lens at the other end of the tube opens up and most of the food falls out of the body. ” 
 
 “ Just falls out? On the ground? ” the team member thought for a moment, “ Oh so now that it ’ s packed up it can put it back in again to get the rest of the energy? Or a to-go snack? ” 
 
 “ No. You would think right? Says right here that the Human should never put it back in. It ’ s literally waste to the Human, it can ’ t do anything with it. Can ’ t break down atoms and can barely get energy from a few molecules. The Human basically destroys living beings and makes trash out of them. ” 
 
 “ With that level of efficiency, how much time does it need to spend dumping bits of living beings into its acid tank of sadness? ” 
 
 “ Pretty much always. I don ’ t know what free time it's going to have to do anything else much less colonize the system. Ok, now I ’ m just curious to see how bad he fucked this project up.'' 
 
 Everyone began to laugh until Reginald, who had been quietly viewing the specifications, spoke up, “ You guys don ’ t get it. Do you see what he ’ s done? Did you look at the cost to produce one of these? It ’ s nothing. This is the complete no frills life form. On one side if anyone of its tubes get blocked, and I mean anyone, it ’ s dead in minutes. We spend all of our time and energy making beings so powerful that they barely need to survive. They do n't care. The Human is always surviving, it ’ s always almost dead. ” 
 
 “ He's not kidding. I just found something else,'' Will interjected, `` that pressurized liquid energy system needs a constant supply of oxygen that it obtains by constantly consuming the atmosphere through the same hole it shoves food down. It's pumping in air every second and according to this if the system fails the Human is dead within minutes. This guy really liked hydraulics, makes sense with the spider thing I guess. ” 
 
 `` I get what Reggie is saying but does this even count as alive? I'm being serious, does continuously being in a temporary state of'not dead' actually count? There are n't even any backup systems.'' 
 
 Will responded, “ For the sake of the assignment, I'd say it does. It has no armor, no weapons, it ’ s fragile, incredibly emotional, but this thing is biologically guaranteed to want to live more than anything we've created. I say we make a small change to the breeding, no more popping out ready to go, get that human out so they can start making another. That is their backup system. Plus they ’ ll be forced to take care of it, further increasing their drive to survive. But other than that leave the project alone, you know how far under budget this will be? ” 
 
 “ It will get torn to pieces. Look at how it feeds. That means the genetic planetary package will be full of lesser beings that tear other things apart and acid wash them. Less intelligent, but bigger and stronger. The cost to retrofit some weapons onto the human will eat into that margin. I do n't think it colonizes without it ” 
 
 “ Movement, ” said Carlton. “ Just make it run longer than everything else. Think about it. It takes in energy so slow anyways, let it work like that. It ’ s cheaper to make the muscles work longer than it is to make them faster. It ’ s not a route the predators are likely to take with this planet package. Plus it fits into your whole drive to survive thing. It keeps going until it ’ s dead or the other thing is. ” 
 
 Everyone looked around the room and seemed to agree. “ Ship it! ” said Carlton. 
 
 `` Wait, if Stev'e is n't here anymore, who gets the commission? Wo n't they know it was assigned to him?'' 
 
 `` We'll split the money, just make sure it hate spiders they'll never believe he was the one that did it.'' 

