[ WP ] Death appears at your door , he just wants to talk .

I had just finished a microwaved two day old slice of pizza when an icy cold draft hit me. It was one of the worst feelings of my life. I just shrugged it off to that `` new house feel'' and walked back into the bed room. And there, he, she, it? Does Death have a gender really? Well, I guess since it spoke in what I would say was a male voice I'll say'he'. There he was, sitting, playing Fallout. 
 
 At first I completely freaked out, as expected, and ran into the bathroom to hide. Yeah, I know, hide from Death, go fuck yourself. After about five minutes of this I heard him speak. 
 
 `` Hey, Mike you totally missed the Covenant side story, its a good one. Do you want to play it?'' 
 
 I cracked the door just enough to see him well, just hanging out in front of my T.V. playing the game. Just like I do, like everyone does, but, ya know, with the whole black robe and hood thing. 
 
 `` Fuck it'' I told myself, got up, straightened my self out, pulled a comb through my hair and walked out to meet my death. 
 
 `` Um... So, uh whats the uh, protocol ( protocol, really, goddamn you're an idiot ) here'' I was shaking and honestly surprised I got that much out. 
 
 `` What? Oh, this. Yeah one sec'' He said, not looking away from the T.V. Well I assumed he did n't look away. Beyond the rim of the hood was just complete darkness. I did n't notice before but there were n't even hands holding the controller, just a dark mist. Death was n't so much a skeleton or an actual thing, just an, energy, an entity I guess. The controller floated from his, well, his lap I suppose to beside him on the bed. 
 
 `` Look, I'm not here to kill you or take you to the afterlife or deliver you to the God of your choosing or whatever. I just needed a night off and your place was on the way. I guess I must have scared you to death, huh? Hahaha! Sorry I kill myself sometimes! Hahaha'' 
 
 Great the dark lord of Death has a sense of humor drier than the Mojave. This should be fun. 
 
 `` So I'm not going to die tonight?'' 
 
 `` No Mike, you're not dying tonight'' 
 
 `` What about everyone else? Do n't like, thousands of people die every night? So, no one is going to die, at all?'' 
 
 `` Take a look at your watch. Your dad's right? I remember him giving it to you. Nice moment.'' 
 
 My dad died ten years ago. Cancer. He gave me the watch as he slipped away. He carried it through'Nam, Nicaragua, Desert Storm. It never let him down. It was stopped. 
 
 `` So, you've frozen time except what happens in this area. Neat.'' 
 
 `` Yeah, one of the perks of the job. So listen, like I said the reason I'm here is that I'm just so fucking bored with this job. Every day, every night. Like you said thousands of people get the old visit from yours truly. It sucks. I was just in Africa. Some asshole warlord decided to ethnically cleanse his neighbor. Not a fun day.'' 
 
 He sat back down on the bed. If I could say he had an exhausted posture would it make any sense? But that's the only way I can describe it. Death was tired. 
 
 `` So'' I said `` can, uh, I sit here?'' pointing to a spot next to him on the bed. 
 
 `` Oh, yeah, my bad man'' he said, shifting over, giving me a place to sit. 
 
 `` So if I accidentally touch you or something I'm not going to die right?'' 
 
 `` No Mike. Like I said, already no dying for you tonight.'' 
 
 Great. I just annoyed Death. I always do this, say just the wrong thing at the wrong time. 
 
 `` So, Mike hows it going?'' 
 
 `` Uh, What do you mean?'' 
 
 `` Life, how's it treating you?'' 
 
 `` Um, pretty good I guess?'' 
 
 Death laughed. Laughed for a long time. Longer than necessary. Guess he wanted to make a point. 
 
 `` Mike, I do n't want to be rude or anything'' 
 
 `` Too fucking late for that man!'' 
 
 Death continued. `` Ahem. As, I was saying. You're a loser Mike. Single bedroom apartment on the shittiest side of town. No girlfriend,'' 
 
 `` I have a girlfriend!'' I extorted 
 
 `` Do n't fucking lie to me. I know everything about everyone all the time. And no that does n't make me God, just better than the NSA at reading social media.'' 
 
 Death stood and started to walk around my bed room. He started picking through the scattered laundry on the floor, kicking the empty beer cans. I was getting incredulous. 
 
 `` So the fuck what. Yeah I'm not where I want to be. I'm 30 in a shitty apartment with a shitty job and my best date in the last two week was with my left hand,'' 
 
 He turned toward me at the last bit. 
 
 `` Ok, in the last month'' He nodded his head `` Oh for fuck's sake, fine. Three months. But what business is it of yours, huh? You just go around stealing people away from their families, killing school buses full of kids and letting the drunk ass driver go? You take people like Robin Williams and leave people like Kim Jong-Un alone. Fuck you man!'' 
 
 I could n't believe the words coming out of my mouth. I was berating Death. Fucking Death! And he took it. He did n't even say a word to defend himself. It suddenly hit me. He really hated what he was doing. He hated that he did, everything that made him who he was. I guess everyone hates their job from time to time. 
 
 `` Yeah, I hear you Mike. Fuck me. I hear that a lot. More than you can probably imagine. That's why I'm here. I'm as old as time Mike. I've seen more things than you could possible imagine. Do you know how many worlds I visit? How many Universes? I am Death, Mike. I do n't have a team. I do n't have a staff. It's just me. I've been everywhere, seen everything, and everywhere its the same story. Fuck me. Do you know what its like to be cursed at in 7 Trillion different languages, because I do.'' 
 
 It never occurred to me that Death went beyond Earth. I mean it makes sense right? Death is death, regardless of where. Everything has to die some time. 
 
 `` So, you want a break from being Death. How, I mean, can you? Can you just stop being Death?'' 
 
 `` No. There ca n't not be a Death. Without it the universes would collapse. Its part of the balance. You know, light, dark, hot, cold, life, death. Everything must be in balance for it to work.'' 
 
 `` Sounds like you're kinda screwed then.'' 
 
 `` Not exactly'' he said. I watched as the robes began to coalesce into a more defined shape, turning from black into a pale skin tone. The mist concentrating into fleshy arms and hands. And I stood there, staring at a naked version of myself. It was n't impressive. 
 
 `` Here's the deal'' he said with my own voice `` I become you. You take over for me. I give you all the powers of Death Incarnate.'' 
 
 `` For how long?'' I asked pensively 
 
 `` For as long as you can stand it. Last time I did this on this planet was, oh lets see, middle part of last century. Maybe 1939-1945. He did a fair job, average I would say. Lasted longer than most humans in my experience, especially for such a little war.'' 
 
 `` Ok, whats the catch?'' I asked 
 
 `` Catch is that the longer you stay as Death, the longer I get to make your life better, but also the more likely you go fucking insane. Just remember I've been everywhere, and when up to this point in history. I've seen a billion civilizations a billion years older than yours. So when you get good and tired of doing the whole Death thing, come see me and I'll take it back. The powers of Death are overwhelming, you'll need help at first, but when you fully take over it's yours and I can get to work getting your shitty life together.'' 
 
 I looked at my pudgy naked doppelganger standing across from me, insulting me in my own voice. I was pissed. I like me. I'm a good person. I do n't want to go around slaughtering people just for some universal balance bullshit. Not my fucking job. I looked away, looked at my apartment, all my things that I've worked for, that I've earned. He was right. It was shit. I turned back to Death. 
 
 `` So, who dies next?''
