[ EU ] You live in Skyrim . It is your job to keep lit all the candles in the abandoned caves and dungeons and castles .

`` All right, all right, look alive everyone!'' 
 
 The spotlights boomed a hot wave of white light down the room, bathing Mr. B and the dungeon around him in 
 pale brightness. Already some Draugr were getting up, shielding their eyes from the light, pulling themselves out 
 of the coffins and presenting themselves for identification. 
 
 `` Sebastian,'' Mr. B said, to the first Draugr on the right, `` I want you up already when he comes, okay? You're first in line, so do n't even bother getting into a coffin.'' 
 
 `` Huh?'' Sebastian said, blinking and sleepy-faced. `` What?'' 
 
 `` Hey, hey, hey!'' Mr. B slapped him in the face twice. `` We do n't pay you to be sleepy on the job, okay? The 
 Dragonborn has just accepted the quest that brings him here, so we need to look sharp, and we need to do it now.'' 
 
 `` He has like fifty open quests, boss, he's not coming here right awa –'' 
 
 `` *That does n't matter!'' Mr. B sighed. `` Our job is to be ready. You really want him to come here and find the candles unlit? Or the fake cave walls not perfectly painted or the dirty not poured right on the floor? This is not freaking No Man's Sky we're running here, Seb, this is the Game of the Year, 2011, for God's sake. We have a responsibility to our customers.'' 
 
 `` Fine, fine, do n't spit on me…'' 
 
 Mr. B looked around. His eyes stopped on the chest by the exit. The loot was in place and ready to be collected. 
 *Good*. 
 
 All down the length of the walls, his assistants were already lighting the torches and candles and wrapping the lamps and cell bars in fake spider web and pouring dust over it for extra texture. 
 
 `` Where's Ben?'' Mr. B asked, looking around, suddenly startled. 
 
 *Ben was always trouble... * 
 
 On cue, the Restless Draugr showed up from behind a rock, eyes wide and black and pupils dilated like two black holes carved into his face. 
 
 `` God damn it, Ben, are you high again?'' 
 
 `` What? What? Who? High? What are you – come on! Who's high!? I'm not high! What's this guy on? Talking 
 about high… Who's high I'm not high is it me or is the word high starting to sound weird like say it with me high high high high hi –'' 
 
 `` Who gave Ben coke!?'' Mr. B demanded. `` For God's sake, people! 
 
 An assistant paused and turned from a torch. `` I'm sorry sir, he asked for it.'' 
 
 `` Jesus Christ, he's been clean for a month,'' Mr. B said. He turned to Ben. `` Get your shit together, Ben. The 
 Dragonborn is coming, and we do n't want you *that* restless.'' 
 
 `` Will do sir. Will do.'' 
 
 Ben stepped away. Mr. B looked around one last time as his crew gave the dungeon its final touches. Everything 
 looked fine. 
 
 Then the director's voice rang in his earpiece: `` He's heading your way. Five minutes.'' 
 
 Mr. B clapped and got everyone's attention. `` All right people, the Dragonborn is coming in five, everyone in 
 position!'' 
 
 Mr. B climbed up the set stairs over the fake stone wall and disappeared in the darkness behind the spotlights. 
 With another boom, the cave was silent and dark again, and the draugr took their position inside their coffins and the assistants disappeared through the emergency exits hidden from sight and – 
 
 *Footsteps. * 
 
 Then, a second later, the stretched out shadow of the Dragonborn against the golden dirt lit by torchlight. 
 
 `` He's here,'' Mr. B whispered to his walkie-talkie, set to Sebastian's frequency. `` Five… four… three… go!'' 
 
 Sebastian got up from the coffin and made for the Dragonborn. 
 
 `` Perfect,'' Mr. B whispered, with a smile. Seb was a professional. 
 
 The Dragonborn put his sword through him and Seb, as the script demanded, fell to the floor and played dead. 
 
 `` All right, Ben, you're up next. You there?'' 
 
 Nothing from the walkie talkie. 
 
 `` Ben… Ben, the Dragonborn is coming your way. Look alive!'' 
 
 Nothing. 
 
 *Fuck…* 
 
 Mr. B rose his head and peaked over the fake walls downstairs to try and look ahead of the Dragonborn. An eerie 
 silence had taken over the room, and even the Dragonborn seemed to be looking back and forth in confusion, 
 almost as if finding this lack of enemies too easy to be – 
 
 `` ARGHBLARGHFLARGHBLARHGH!'' 
 
 Mr. B looked ahead, and so did the Dragonborn. 
 
 `` Oh, for fuck's sake, Ben…'' 
 
 Ben was lying on the floor, his leg spasming impossibly, his arms flouncing like fishes out of the water, his head 
 bobbing up and down and up and down and his whole body contorting like he was having some sort of seizure. 
 
 `` Cut the power, let's start over,'' Mr. B said, getting up and shaking his head. `` Ben's ODing again.'' 
 
 Mr. Bethesda climbed down the stairs and, just as the assistants dragged a confused Dragonborn off stage, stopped and looked around and sighed. `` How many times have I asked, people? No drugs on set!'' He shook his head and kicked a loose rock from the ground. `` Bunch of freaking cokeheads is what you all are. This is exactly why people say our games are glitchy.'' 
 
 By the exit, two assistants dragged a still spasming and twitching Ben off stage for a shot of adrenaline and some better coding. 
 ______________ 
 
 /r/psycho_alpaca 
 

