[ WP ] You are legally allowed to commit murder once , but you must fill out the proper paperwork and your proposed victim will be notified of your intentions

`` It was all the fucking paperclips, honestly. I mean, what did you expect? You're nutters and I just ca n't take it anymore.'' 
 
 Bert sat dumbfounded on the edge of a large floral print, wing-backed chair, trying to take it all in. His own best friend. And after everything they had been through together. 
 
 `` How long have you been planning this?'' His voice was low and quiet. A silent, lone tear slipped down his overlong face. 
 
 `` Oh, Bert,'' said Ernie. He was going to deny it but the application he had filled out and that was now a copy in Bert's hands would have called him a liar. He gave in to the truth. 
 
 `` A few weeks, maybe. A month top.'' 
 
 `` Oh.'' Bert's hand clenched around the paper, crushing the death out of it - or trying to anyways. There was a pause. `` Have you given any thought to how you are going to do it?'' 
 
 At this Ernie perked up. 
 
 `` Well,'' he said, rubbing his soft yellow hands together, `` I thought that I would maybe do you in with the letter'M'. You always liked the letter'M'.'' 
 
 It was true. Bert always had liked the letter'M'. Good things often started with the letter'M'. Of course, so did murder. He did n't like it so much all the sudden. 
 
 Ernie was still talking. 
 
 `` But the studio executives would n't have it. We just did'M' a few days ago. They've given me a couple of options.'' 
 
 Bert felt sick. He was going to throw up the cookies that Cookie Monster had brought over earlier. 
 
 `` They think that'S' might be a good way to go. Figured we could fit in a whole'S' is for strangulation song. Big Bird was thinking of something more vague - like'K' for killed. And of course there's The Count.'' 
 
 `` What about The Count?'' Bert asked weakly. 
 
 Ernie threw his hands up into the air, his indignation obvious. `` He wants me to kill you with a number. Hit you over the head with the number nine repeatedly while he stands off in the corner laughing.'' 
 
 Ernie fixed Bert with a sympathetic look. `` Some people can just be so sick. Do n't you think?'' 

