[ WP ] Earth turns out to be one of humanity 's many long lost colonies .

« Ok, guys. We need to talk. » The voice was somehow being transmitted to very corner of the earth. These alien earthlings mean business. We had been warned a few days before by getting an unusal transmission over Fox News. It showed a bunch of starships filled with white-robed, seemingly patient people. They said that that they were sorry for having left us alone for so long. 
 
 « We thought this was going to work out similarly for everyone. But, honestly, the reason we have been gone for so long is because we have been trying to figure out a way to say all of this to you. » 
 
 The voice filling the air paused, unsure of how to proceed. Hesitantly, the voice continued: 
 
 « So, every colony was not given the same premise for survival. We wanted to see what would happen if different colonies had different origins. There have been... interesting results. You should see what happened to The Marjorax Prime colony! We left a bunch of artistic types lying around, they have someone transcended the concept of personal property and are incredibly happy. Interestingly, you had a race of people who understood this, you decided to rape them and name a holiday after their demise. » Awkward pause. « But um, sorry, that is not what I really want to talk about. Speaking of digressions, you should see what it is like up in the Jollous system: they were a colony of solely actors. They have actually evolved feathers in order to.. peackock more effectively. But at least they have figured out their own meaning to life. They seem satisfied. But when we look at you, it is like you have all decided to cover your eyes, pull down your pants and poop on everything in sight. » 
 
 At this point everyone on earth was starting to look around at each other, getting a little offended that this robe-wearing, space-tree-hugging character was saying about us. We had accomplishments, we had done things! The man must have realized what he was saying, because then he said: 
 
 « Not to say that this is a bad thing, oh no. But the last few years have been atrocious for us. We are tired of all of this bragging you do. Tired of this talk of going through the wire and being a gay fish. Why is this something to brag about? Even more importantly, why do you keep grabbing the microphone, and why, when you are not'performing', do you sound like a prepubescent girl? » 
 
 A collective « What? » came from everyone on earth. This confused the man. 
 
 « What do you mean'what?' We know you do this, we know this man is your leader, why else would he get so much attention? He seems loved and admire by all. Frankly, we have had enough arrogance from you and we want you to suffer as we have suffered. Do you know how many an oiled ass picture we have had to analyze in order to understand your religious artifacts? And what is this sausage the queen seems to promote so often? You know what guys, I do n't even care. I am here to tell you one thing and give you a present. » 
 
 Everyone was incredibly confused and a little afraid at this point. The voice was merciless. 
 
 « We have a saying here on-board the ships. It goes: If you worship an ass, you are probably going to get kicked in the face by a donkey. Consequently, to punish you all for your decisions to destroy a potential red-skinned mecca of accorn gruel and wind color paintings, you have all been granted a single donkey kanye. A donkey kanye is no ordinary beast. If you do not feed it constant belittlement cookies it will grow in cockiness until there is nothing in your house except cock. For your sins, we do not forgive. » 
 
 That was four years ago, every once in a while, a heavy thud of a collapsing cock can be heard throughout the city. 
 
 We should have stopped him before it was too late.
