[ WP ] The hero was killed , the princess was sacrificed , and the evil king rules the land . For the average citizen , though , things have taken a turn for the better .

`` What do you mean no adventurers allowed?!'' Maz growled at the guard, her hands already on the handles of her axes. Gregor held both of his arms in front of her, holding the disgruntled Orc back. 
 `` Maz, sweetie, if they say no adventurers, then we can just go somewhere else,'' Gregor shouted at her, trying to channel as much arcane strength into his arms as he could. He really was n't in the mood for fighting the town guard. Maz was nigh uncontrollable when she was angry, and while he was no slouch, he wasn ’ t really much of a match for an orc warrior. The guard watched the human mage struggle with the orc, utterly disinterested in pretty much everything. He ’ d never wanted to be a guard. He ’ d wanted to be a cobbler. But, he ’ d completely beefed his cobbler ’ s exam, so he needed to raise money to retake it. And being a guard paid well enough for the time being, so here he was. He chewed some tobacco like a goat chewing cud, and spit periodically on the ground next to him. 
 
 `` Squatbird shit! This town is the closest one for kilometers with a Buffalo Wyvern Wings, and I do n't want to miss watching the Rook Abbey Lancers *again! *'' Maz shouted, pointing one of her axes over Gregor's shoulder at the guard, knocking Gregor ’ s wide-brimmed wizard hat off in the process. 
 `` Maz! Chill! I'll handle this!'' Gregor shouted at her, pushing her back. Maz growled loudly, and snorted in Gregor's face, pushing him back in retaliation as she finally relented. Gregor stumbled back at the forceful push and eyed her angrily. She hooked her axe back into its sheath, and leaned against the wall of one of the parapets, furiously digging around in her satchel. 
 `` Get this jizzwaddle to let us through, wizard. If I miss Ollie McDougal's first joust of the season, it's your ass,'' Maz grumbled, producing a small leather pouch stuffed with the hardest jerky Maz had been able to find at the last town. She bit down, tearing the dried beef apart and chewing rapidly in frustration. Gregor knew that most of the time her hard persona towards him was simply bluster; the two of them worked well together, and she knew it. But when she started calling him ‘ Wizard, ’ that was when she was serious. If he couldn ’ t pull this off, he thought, then being unable to shave and running low on Ol Toby would be the least of his worries. He whipped his hat up off the ground as he walked to the guard, dusting it off and plopping it on his head. 
 
 “ Okay, what the fuck, dude? ” Gregor asked, trying to put on his most official look, which happened to be about as official as goblin in a suit. 
 “ Carl, ” the guard said. 
 “ What? ” 
 “ My name is Carl. Not ‘ dude, ’ ” the guard sneered, spitting onto the ground again. 
 “ Whatever. What ’ s the deal here, Carl? Why no adventurers? ” Gregor asked. 
 “ Lord ’ s orders. Nobody gets in today. ” 
 “ Penrith was totally fine with adventurers and travelers last week! What happened? ” 
 “ New lord now, ” Carl said, spitting again, “ Came in… Ehh… Probably about five days ago. ” Gregor groaned and slapped his palm to his face. Some lord coming in and taking over wasn ’ t anything new for the Kingdom of Penrith, or whatever it was called now. It happened pretty regularly, as was common in adventuring towns. But a new lord coming in and ruling that adventurers were no longer allowed was definitely new. Gregor rubbed his eyes and exhaled loudly. 
 
 “ Match starts in twenty, Wizard, ” Maz said nonchalantly from the wall. Gregor spun around on his heel, and leveled a finger at her, his eyes burning with arcane energy. 
 “ I ’ LL HANDLE THIS, MAZ, ” Gregor spat in frustration. Maz rolled her eyes and bit off another chunk of jerky, chewing loudly. Gregor huffed and turned back to the guard, who seemed genuinely surprised the wizard was still trying to get in. 
 “ What happened to the old king? ” Gregor asked, relatively certain he knew the answer. 
 “ Dead. Good riddance, too. All these laws about business owners have to have a license, no drinking in public, no pleasure houses. Bunch of goblin shit, ” Carl said, punctuating his statement with a spectacular spit. 
 “ Uh-huh. Who ’ s the new king? ” 
 “ Some evil lord. Shug-rth Yurl Durf or something. I dunno. He pays guards more. People can pretty much do what they want now, you know? So, big celebration going on; the town ’ s closed off for the next day. ” 
 “ Is that why you ’ re so butthurt about letting us in? Cause your worthless ass is stuck out here? ” Maz quipped. 
 “ Yeah, pretty much, ” Carl admitted. 
 
 Gregor sighed. He was getting nowhere with this. It was all well and good if the villagers and townspeople were happy with a new lord, even if he was some loony dark lord who worshipped elder gods, but he really needed to bathe. And get some more wizard weed. And shave. And make Maz take a bath; she smelled terrible. Maybe I should try a pity approach, he thought. 
 “ Look dude, ” 
 “ Carl. ” 
 “ Look Carl, I ’ m wicked low on Ol Toby. I haven ’ t shaved in three days. I ’ m hungry. My companion smells like a slaughterhouse. ” 
 “ I noticed. ” 
 “ Eat hot shit, ” Maz said to both Gregor and Carl, still chewing with her mouth open. The guard gave Maz a rude hand gesture. 
 “ Can we please just get in? We won ’ t do any adventuring. We just need to use an inn, and we ’ ll be gone tomorrow, ” Gregor pleaded. The guard seemed unmoved by his plight. 
 “ Nope. ” 
 “ Oh *come on! * ” Gregor lamented, leaning forward and shaking his hands. 
 “ Like I said, the town is closed off for the next day. Besides, who ’ s to say you won ’ t come in and try to overthrow the dark lord? ” Carl grumbled. 
 “ We won ’ t! ” Gregor exclaimed, “ We ’ ll keep to ourselves! ” 
 “ …Seems strange, some weird wizard and a pissy orc coming up to the gate, on the day of a big celebration. Asking all kinds of questions about the dark lord. Things are great now. We don ’ t need some lousy adventurers mucking that all up.'' 
 “ I don ’ t want to take over! I lack any and all aspirations for leadership! All I want to do- “ Gregor shouted, dropping to his knees on the dirt road and throwing his hat off, “ is get some more Ol Toby, eat some Buffalo Wyvern Wings, have a shave, and sleep in a shitty bed in the shitty inn! *IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK? * ” 
 
 Carl stared down the wizard, a look of severe irritation on his face. All Gregor could hear were the sounds of merriment inside the town, and Maz ’ s loud chewing. 
 “ My cousin owns the inn, ” Carl grumbled, leveling his pole-arm at Gregor “ And I don ’ t appreciate you talking shit- ” 
 Maz, who had nonchalantly walked over, took the opportunity to grab the distracted guard, putting her palm against his helmet and smashing his head into the wall. With a loud clang and clanking of metal, he crumpled to the ground, unconscious. 
 “ I hope they did n't run out of extra spicy wings, ” Maz said simply, walking through the gate, leaving Gregor kneeling on the ground next to the now passed-out guard. Gregor stared at the collapsed body, and then looked up at Maz, then back at the body. He grabbed his hat off the ground and walked quickly after her. 
 “ Why didn ’ t you do that when we first showed up? ” Gregor said, plainly irritated. 
 “ I like watching you humiliate yourself, ” Maz said with a dull smile, “ Now buy me some wyvern wings. ”
