[ WP ] When you die , you do n't go to the afterlife of you 're religion , you go to the afterlife of the religion whose tenets you followed most closely , knowingly or not .

Fred Phelps was getting tired of waiting. He had been suspended in space for what felt like a couple of years before he saw a light approaching. He knew this was the moment he'd been waiting for, but as the light drew near, Fred could n't help thinking that God looked... different... than he'd expected. Instead of a bearded old man, God was sort of, well, a mass of noodles. 
 
 `` Ha ha -- been waiting long?'' the Apparition giggled. `` I like to make people think they went to Hell.'' 
 
 Fred began, `` Lord, it is me, your good and faithful serva --'' 
 
 `` Whoa, whoa!'' the Monster cut him off. `` First off, I'm not who you think, and second, do n't call yourself MY servant! You're my hero!'' 
 
 Fred could n't help feeling a little flattered. `` Well, I was among the few faithful.'' 
 
 `` Faithful?! You were the best there ever was, man!'' 
 
 Fred acted embarrassed, though if he was perfectly honest, he would have admitted that he was expecting a little VIP treatment in the afterlife. 
 
 `` But let's clear up this little misunderstanding first,'' said the Monster. `` I'm not your'God' or whoever. I am What I am.'' 
 
 Fred felt his throat tighten a little as he considered the possibilities. `` And... what are you?'' he asked after a pause. 
 
 `` Ha -- what do I look like?'' The Monster spread its tentacles so Fred could get a better view. 
 
 `` um... a floating... spaghetti monster?'' 
 
 `` Well,'Flying' if you want to get technical. And make sure you capitalize the m in Monster.'' 
 
 
 Fred gulped. `` What are you going to do with me?'' 
 
 `` Duuude! I'm so glad you're here! You were the ultimate religious troll! You took organized religion and made it the biggest farce! What am I going to do with you? I want to learn from you! You're older than me, and you've done a shit ton more heinous things than I ever even imagined! Teach me your ways, old man!'' 
 
 Fred was nervous, but if he was perfectly honest with himself, he would have admitted that he still felt flattered. A God was looking to him for answers. Was n't that all Fred really wanted? 
 
 `` C'mon, Mr. Phelps'' said the Monster as he wrapped Fred in his starchy arms, `` put this strainer on your head, and let's go log on to 9gag!'' 

