[ WP ] Non-traditional families are quite common these days , but yours might just be the strangest of them all . You werenraised by the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse

`` H U M A N! R I S E!'' A shrill whisper echoed into my ear. I opened an eye and stared at a thin, sickly looking male parody of Paris hilton dressed like a 90's punk K-pop star.. complete with oversized jolly -roger belt-buckle. 
 
 `` Y'all iz gon na miss ya bweakfaaaassssssst!'' The starving drag said with a sway of his visible hip bone. I turned over. If he was cooking, it would n't be much... 
 
 My stomach gurgled. 
 
 `` If yous gonn' starve, then you should know dat diss in n't a way to do it!'' 
 
 `` Fine. Hold some eggs for me Fam,'' i groaned as the blanket was torn from my grasp. 
 
 `` Good boy. Now getcha showah!'' He said while walking out of the room like a puppet on strings. 
 
 I slumped out of bed and into the bathroom. There death stood in her fluffy slippers and unicorn sweatshirt. She turned to stare at me with a toothbrush hanging out of her mouth. Her long black hair was messy and oily, and her eyes were filled with malice. 
 
 `` Glad to see I'm not the only one feeling like death...'' i grumbled while stepping into the shower. 
 
 I earned the unearthly groan from her. 100 %. 
 
 You might think its weird to be naked in front of Death. I was taught that your incorporeal soul would be completely nude after death... and that greeting death nude was the truest way to die with honor. Besides, she was gone by the time I got out. 
 
 I made my way downstairs, and saw Fam burning breakfast. I took my seat next to war who had a handful of crumpled papers to his right and a beatn chessboard in front of him. 
 
 `` Mornin''' i yawned. 
 
 `` Gooood mownin!'' Fam greeted cheerfully. 
 
 `` Hmph...'' Polly grunted, who was seated across from War. This was a typical morning. 
 
 War is a wall given form as a fattier superhuman from those Fallout games. His gut, while rotund, displayed countless scars and a perfectly cut set of abs. The rest of him was similarly toned. In his giant hands was a piece of paper yet uncrumpled. His small eyes focused on it in concentration. 
 
 Polly, or Pestilence, sat across from him. She looked like a rather beautiful looking surgery addict from Bay Watch. Pamela Anderson be damned. Puffy pink lips, oversized chest, large hair, and a bronzed plastic-like complexion. Her eyes were focused squarely on the chessboard. 
 
 A hand pushed forward a bishop of the same plastic she was mostly made of. Her finger lingered on it while her lips puckered. It lifted from it and she grinned smugly. 
 
 War grumbled, but not at the game. The paper in his hands became crumpled. He set it gently next to him and retrieved another. He glanced at the game and pushed a pawn forward. 
 
 `` Damn it~'' Polly swore with a flop back in her seat. Her hair bounced as she slumped and pouted. 
 
 `` 666 to 13?'' I inquired. 
 
 `` 666 to 15!'' Polly whined adamantly. War rolled his eyes and relaxed his buging muscles. The white tee was now clearly visible, and the text `` Free hugs'' written in crude handwriting could be seen. 
 
 `` Here ya go plumb,'' Fam said as a plate of rotten eggs, rancid bacon, withered grapes and a pile of perfectly cooked spam. 
 
 `` Where's D?'' I asked while poking the spam. 
 
 `` Early release in Japan...'' Polly said while still pouting. 
 
 `` Oh? What game?'' I asked while Fam lit a cigerette. 
 
 `` WURLDWURTREE...'' War replied with exasperation. 
 
 ``... never knew she was into C.O.D...'' i mumbled. 
 
 `` Heard joo gotz an intahview bae..'' Fam said while puffing out smoke. 
 
 `` Yeah fam. Let's hope they like me...'' I said with a hollow laugh. 
 
 `` Who does n't like you?'' Polly interjected while sipping from a mug of overly doctored coffee. `` We like you. You got this!'' 
 
 I nodded. War suddenly grunted and dropped on my plate a perfectly folded origami crane. On the wings it read, `` Good Lumpf.'' I assumed he meant luck. 
 
 `` Thanks War. Very nice. Youre improving.'' I patted his arm and he laughed. 
 
 Then, Death fell out of the closet clutching her girlfriend. 
 
 `` How was work?'' I asked generally. 
 
 `` Not done. I still have her.'' Her girlfriend deadpanned while being hugged. Death gave a thumbs up. 
 
 I have such a nice family. 
 
 ( ( Kudos tp those who can recognize a weeby death!; ) ) ) 
 

