[ TT ] A child is kidnapped . Outraged , the monsters that live under their bed and in their closet vow to find them .

`` Assholes.'' I said it just loud enough to be heard by those who cared. Meaning Lurker and Bear. 
 
 The Lurker at the Threshold muttered its assent. `` Assholes.'' It did n't want to agree. I knew it did n't. It knew it did n't. But we both knew that we had a common cause. 
 
 Sorry about that. Let me introduce myself. I am the key and the gate. Better know as `` the closet monster,'' `` why is that door opening'' and `` wait! what is that moving? HELP! HELLLLPPPPPP!'' 
 
 A certain few upstanding citizens had just stolen my food. They had also kicked in my door. Who does this? Who kicks in a closet door? Nobody who wants to live, that's who! 
 
 And with me is my rival and sometimes friend. The Lurker at the Threshold. More commonly known as `` the thing under the bed'' `` why is that shadow moving,'' and `` oh god! HELP ME! HELP MEEEEEE!!!'' See, the same upstanding citizens who kicked in my personal space ALSO shone a flashlight in Miss Nagako's face. `` The only monster here is me.'' one of them said. As the POTUS would say, `` WRONG!'' `` BAD!'' 
 
 This was when Teddy decided to drop in. `` Assholes,'' he said. Incidentally, this was also when the kidnappers went from `` pretty fucked'' to `` super, turbo, ultra fucked'' 
 
 -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- 
 
 From then on, it was easy. The hardest part was that there were four kidnappers. I had already codenamed them Arse, Bitch, Cunt, and Dick. Why? Remember Herostratus: never give you enemies real names, for names have power. 
 
 The actual negotiation looked like this. I had the strongest claim, but Teddy is the strongest out of all of us. One of us would get double; he let me take it. I'm going to give him leeway next time we meet. 
 
 -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- 
 
 Captain Tonka was three days away from retirement. In other words, he was as ready as he would ever be. So when he walked in to his closet and out into a crime scene, his hand went straight to his service revolver. Four assholes. Thirty five years of training. 
 
 He got two. Maybe he would have gotten the other two. It's hard to say. Japanese police are issued 6-shot revolvers and taught to double-tap. Tonka followed the rules to a T, which was was why he was so quick on the draw. But once he put two bullets in Arse and two in Bitch, he should shoot Cunt once and Dick once. But he follows the rules. And that means shooting Cunt twice. With his three buddies dead, Dick would get his shit together and shoot Tonka. Except Dick was panicked, so he'd only mortally wound the guy before Tonka reloaded and shot Dick dead. Nagako's the only survivor. 
 
 Of course, the world will never know what would happen. As soon as Capt. Tonka put Bitch down, Cunt was mauled by a metaphorical bear. It's kind of like being mauled by a real bear. Just more painful. Half a second later, Dick was dragged under the bed by shadows. And, with two bullets in his revolver, Captain Tonka promptly accepted the facts and called for backup.
