[ EU ] Sauron wakes up late ; Middle Earth is now a modern , high tech society .

When Mr. Bilbo Baggins of Bag End emailed his friends to announce that he would shortly be celebrating his eleventy-first birthday with a party of special magnificence, there was little excitement in Hobbiton. 
 
 Thanks to several centuries of rapid medical advances, it was now common for hobbits to live far beyond 111 years of age. Why, just last year, Old Took had celebrated his 150th birthday by flying the entire Took clan for an all-expenses-included trip to Tol Eressëa. 
 
 His phone buzzed, and he looked down to see a text from his nephew, Frodo. 
 
 > Just fyi, Uncle Bilbo, that creepy old door-to-door salesman is coming up the garden path again. 
 
 Bilbo peered cautiously out the window of his eco-friendly, solar powered, geothermally heated hobbit hole ( guaranteed zero emissions - modern technology really was marvellous! ). Why, indeed he was, looking just as much the old hobo as ever, dressed in the same tattered grey robes and weird pointy hat as before. The hobbit heard a sharp rap at the door, and ignored it. 
 
 There was another rap. 
 
 Bilbo sighed, got up, and opened the door. 
 
 `` Hrmph, have n't you seen the sign?'' he asked, pointing to a large notice next to the door which read in large letters `` NO SOLICITATIONS''. 
 
 `` I do not have time for this nonsense today, Bilbo Baggins,'' said the old man, drawing himself up to his full height. 
 
 The sky darkened ominously as the man spoke, but Bilbo did n't notice - he had received another notification and was too busy looking at his phone. 
 
 A match on Hobbidr, the Shire's latest dating app! Score! 
 
 The old man coughed impatiently, and tapped his long wooden stick on the cobblestones to remind Bilbo that he was still standing there. 
 
 `` Bilbo, have you not seen the dark portents of the Sauron's return? The swarms of crows in the East? Strange hooded men riding black horses through town? My dear Bilbo, it is time for an adventure!'' 
 
 Bilbo paused. Now that the crazy old man mentioned it, he had been seeing a lot of crows recently. And there had been some dude on a horse last weekend, going so slowly that the cars were backed up almost as far as the Brandywine Bridge. 
 
 But'dark portents'? It was probably just one of Frodo's LARPer friends. And the crows were almost certainly just one of Rivendell Valley's latest drone experiments. Barely a week passed by without some new tech startup in the Valley announcing that a new project like that. 
 
 `` Sorry! I do n't want any adventures, thank you. Not today. Good morning!'' 
 
 And Bilbo closed the door politely, but firmly, in the old man's face. 
 
 -- - 
 
 *Join Tolkein turning in his grave over at* r/jd_rallage
