[ WP ] Bernie Sanders wins the presidency but is secretly assassinated . Now one of his team must continue his presidency ala Weekend at Bernie 's .

`` Did you get him?'' asked the Vice President 
 
 `` Not yet, sir. He has n't picked up his phone.'' 
 
 `` Well, keep trying.'' 
 
 `` Should I text him, sir? The previous POTUS staff said he was a big texter.'' 
 
 `` A big texter?'' 
 
 `` Yes sir, a texter is someone who uses texts as their primary mode of communication.'' 
 
 `` Primary mode of? Christ. Yes. Text him. Now.'' 
 
 `` What should I say, sir? First texts can be quite awkward.'' 
 
 The Vice President stared at his assistant Mike Holmes. He was a sweet kid and a complete imbecile. He should have never hired him, but sometimes you have to do a friend a favor and Mike happened to be the son of a very important imbecile. 
 
 The Vice President realized now he had been staring at Mike for close to 20 straight seconds without speaking. Mike dully stared back like a dog taking a shit waiting for you to come bag it and trash it. 
 
 `` Good idea, sir. I will send him a staring emoji. It conveys the seriousness of the situation, but also keeps things light.'' 
 
 `` Send a fucking text! Anything!'' 
 
 Mike quickly typed on his phone. 
 
 `` Sent, sir!'' 
 
 `` Ok, while we wait for that, what's plan B or C or fucking Z?'' 
 
 `` You mean D, sir. D follows C. E follows --'' 
 
 `` I know the fucking alphabet! You think I could become Vice President of the United States and not know the fucking alphabet?'' 
 
 `` Of course not, sir. Everyone has a brain fart now and then. Z sounds a lot like D. I can --'' 
 
 `` Stop speaking.'' 
 
 Mike opened his mouth, but stopped and just shook his head up and down. 
 
 `` What's an alternative if he does n't text back?'' 
 
 `` Oh he'll text back. The emoji I used is top 5 in response rate according to my experience using dating apps.'' 
 
 `` Mike. I need you to really focus here. President Sanders is dead and the American people ca n't know about this. Stop texting emojis and give me some ideas.'' 
 
 `` We could create a hologram of President Sanders and use that for public appearances.'' 
 
 `` A what?'' 
 
 `` A hologram. It's a three-dimensional image reproduced from a pattern of interference produced by a split coherent beam of radiation.'' 
 
 `` What the fuck did you just say to me?'' 
 
 `` Sir, you do n't know what a hologram is? I do n't want to explain it like the alphabet and have you angry at me again.'' 
 
 `` I know what a fucking hologram is. I do n't know what split beam radiation is.'' 
 
 `` Well it's essentially when you use a lens to split a single beam --'' 
 
 `` Stop. How could a hologram help us?'' 
 
 `` They did it for Tupac at Coachella.'' 
 
 `` I do n't know what language you are speaking.'' 
 
 `` Tupac is a rapper. Not my favorite, more of a Biggie guy. They made a hologram of him at a music festival called Coachella. It looked real to me, sir.'' 
 
 The Vice President had reached the point of desperation where he sat there considering this insane idea: creating a hologram of President Sanders. It could work, right? People believe anything. For fuck's sake, they almost believed Trump and voted him into office! This will work. A hologram! Hologram President Sanders will basically be just as good as the real thing. This is actually a solid plan all things considered. Mike might just be a pretty smart kid after all. I might even give him -- 
 
 `` Sir, we got him!'' 
 
 `` Huh?'' 
 
 `` He texted back.'' 
 
 `` Yes! What did he say?'' 
 
 `` He said,'New phone, who dis?''' 
 
 `` What does -- wait, he did n't save our number?! That son of a bitch!'' 
 
 `` Sir, what should I say?'' 
 
 `` Explain everything. Tell him President Sanders was assassinated. Tell him this ca n't leak. We need to act as if Sanders is alive and we have a plan. We are going to name him to a new position very close to the presidency. He will appear publicly with President Sanders' dead body. He will hold Sanders up, nod Sanders' head, whisper'advice' in Sanders' ear. All while smiling and acting like nothing is wrong. No one will suspect a thing cause it's him.'' 
 
 `` Doing it now, sir.'' 
 
 Mike typed furiously. His fingers moved across the phone with a speed the Vice President thought was n't possible. He was oddly impressed by this as every second mattered. He thought about Mike. Only 23 years old and clueless to the real world. He thought about how Mike would mature inside the White House. Have a real chance to see things many do n't get to see and learn from them. A few years from now maybe one day he would run for the same position that got his imbecile father marginally famous. He would win with this type of experience and the foundation his father had built. He would have the chance to really change things for his constituents and do some good. It's rare a politician has that opportunity and Mike would likely garner some national attention if he did it even half decently. He would do all the right things and climb the political ranks. It seemed almost obvious that thirty years from now he would be exactly where the Vice President is today: in the oval office... As President. He would remember this exact moment and know that with the right minds any challenge can be -- 
 
 `` Sir, he's typing back.'' 
 
 The Vice President shook his head as he dismissed this wild day dream of President Holmes. 
 
 `` Mike? What's the verdict?'' 
 
 `` Sir, he sent back a big smiling face emo --'' 
 
 `` That's good? Smile means yes, right?'' 
 
 `` And he followed that with the stuck-out tongue emoji.'' 
 
 `` Shit. What does that mean? Mike, talk to me!'' 
 
 `` And he followed that with the dancer emoji. And the flexed bicep emoji. And the raised fist emoji. He wo n't stop sir. Emoji after emoji. Holy shit! He's so quick. He's the best I've ever seen at using emojis!'' 
 
 `` MIKE. IS. HE IN!?'' 
 
 `` He's typing... YES! He's in! He's all in!'' 
 
 `` MIKE! WE DID IT! We just saved President Sanders! We just saved America! He will be perfect to prop Sanders up and move his head to answer questions. This is perfect!'' 
 
 The two raised their hands to high five. They did n't completely connect, but there was enough of a connection that they considered it worthy. 
 
 The Vice President sighed. He was proud of himself... and Mike too. 
 
 `` Mike, you did good today. Now.. what title should we give this role for Former Vice President Biden?'' 
 
 -- 
 
 *Thanks for the love internets peoples*
