[ WP ] The President , suffering from a bad case of diarrhea , is informed that the enemy has just launched a nuke .

`` Mr. President. I'd like you to answer some simple questions for me.'' The secret service agent looked very stern. 
 
 The President looked most presidential while shitting full force into the presidential toilet. 
 
 `` Uh, yes sir. I'll, uh, answer any questions you want.'' 
 
 `` Now sir, think of the inside of that toilet.'' 
 
 The president thought of it. It was porcelain once, but it was now more of Michelle's partially digested cooking than toilet. 
 
 `` Uh, I did.'' 
 
 `` Now, sir, think of the shit you're shitting.'' 
 
 He tried. It seemed very shitty, indeed. 
 
 `` It's quite loose, Mr. Agent-Man, sir. Very fluid. Uh, I'm never eating Michelle's casserole ever again. For a woman who, uh, is so obsessed about the health of American children, she's uh, one shitty cook.'' 
 
 A fresh wave of sludge emerged from betwixt the president's presidential buttcheeks. `` Uh, literally.'' 
 
 `` No pun intended, Mr. President. Now, imagine your shit hitting that toilet.'' 
 
 He did. It happened the way he expected it to. `` Uh, I am. I do n't see the relevance of this topic.'' 
 
 The agent sighed. `` Well, sir, I was trying to use your situation as a metaphor. The toilet is New York City, your shit is a whole nuclear armada owned by al Qaeda, and much like your toilet, New York's just been bombed into the world's biggest crater. Millions dead, national landmarks incinerated.'' 
 
 The president thought about this. This was an eventuality he'd been warned about many times. 
 
 `` Mr. President! America needs you, now more than ever! Your next actions could very well change history. I say this again, Mr. President: what will you do?'' 
 
 He considered his options. He put them against each other, had them battle to the death, and determine exactly what must be done for America. 
 
 `` Uh, can you get some more toilet paper? I need to wipe.'' 
 
 *Fin*
