[ WP ] you are the customs officer for hell

`` NEXT'' I yell as another dreary soul steps through the gates. It's a simple job really, one long line, a whole lotta souls. You check each one as they enter, no contraband allowed on any soul entering hell. That means no happiness, no hope, no artifacts and especially no guardians. The god damn guardian angels. You think angels are bad enough, these guys are the real goody two shoes, the sort to really pine over a lost soul; not the type of soul who raped or murdered but the little sins, you know? Petty theft due to starvation, an accidental murder from an impassioned fight, lusting after the wrong thing, stuff the souls feel guilty about. 
 
 Every now and then, one of these holier than though guardians thinks he can sneak on in. Piggy back a ride on a soul yeah? Thinks he or she or it, whatever, is just going to slip right damn by me and steal away the soul once its been accounted for. Bah! Not likely. You see, those white-winged, bright and shiny dogs have a stink to them. It's like honeysuckle and roses, and a little tinkly bell sound that seems to follow them around as well. You think they realise that? No damned way! Most are too arrogant doing `` the Lords work'', thinking they're so blessed that nothing can stop them, a lot of them do n't even notice it at all! 
 
 Anyway, an angel being caught down here is a big deal. You see, my master The Morning Star struck a deal with God a long, long time ago. No angel is to enter Hell, just as no demon is to enter Heaven. Keep the peace and all that business yeah? Does n't happen often but it's always an embarrassment for Heaven to have an angel get caught down here, what with all their `` honor'' and general attitude of being those who take the `` high road'' and follow the rules. Demons getting caught in Heaven however is sort of a different matter. That one is a little more... shall we say touchy? A demon is something of an expendable force to our great and wondrous master so being torn asunder by an Arch angel is n't much more than an affront to his power. Problem is though, they'd perceive any demons up there as a sort of act of war. A bit hysterical if you ask me... 
 
 Anyway, it seems I've gone off on a bit of a tangent there, not too sure why I decided to tell you any of that anyway you little wretch. Oh well, in you go, hell awaits. 
 
 `` NEXT!'' *'' Hmmm... I feel sort of dazed'' * 
 
 *'' Wait... is that... honeysuckle and roses I smell..? `` * 
 
 *'' SOMEBODY QUICK! FIND THAT SOUL! Oh fuck, Lucifer is going to have me for this one alright...'' *
