[ WP ] When you die , you do n't go to the afterlife of you 're religion , you go to the afterlife of the religion whose tenets you followed most closely , knowingly or not .

When Bill came to, he was staring at a mauve-colored fabric back of an economy-class seat. *Life vest under seat cushion*, a little label read. A dull roar pervaded his senses. 
 
 *That's strange*, he thought, *I could have sworn I was still at work, when—* 
 
 He shook his head. He must have been dreaming. But where the hell was he? Had he celebrated that hard? The company had just had its best quarter yet, and Bill could take at least some of the credit. They'd been diversifying their product offerings. Though their bread and butter was still `` Get Rich from Home,'' the new `` Pennies on the Dollar'' tax settlement offering was picking up steam, and management was *tripling* the number of call hours allocated to it. And Bill had basically designed that one from the ground up, down to the tagline—'' We do the negotiation.'' 
 
 They'd already grossed over a million this month, and it was barely past the first week. He absent-mindedly fingered the Audemars Piguet his boss had presented him at the last all-hands. `` Eat your heart out, Donny,'' he murmured under his breath. It looked good on his wrist. Real good. 
 
 But what was this? Why was he in this shithole of a plane, in *economy* class no less, rubbing shoulders with some miserable fucker who *wasn't* here by mistake? This thing looked like it was from right out of the seventies, no joke. His neighbor did too, what with the sunglasses and terry-cloth-shouldered polo shirt. He gave the guy a little nudge. “ Buddy, you know where we ’ re headed? ” 
 
 The neighbor replies with a thick African accent. “ We are in Nigeria, my friend, ” he replied, “ and when we are landed, you may inquire forthwith to my good friend the honorable Judge Bello, who all know to be carefull and very much of the most honest and forthright and will provide help and assistance with your advancement of merely a small portion of his— ” 
 
 The African dude is interrupted as the intercom comes to life with a burst of static. “ \*psssh\*-uhhh-Citizens of the Confederacy-uhhh-we are entering ourrr... final descent into Teegee-\*psh\*-uhhh-arrival time is-uhh-several minutes-\*pshhh\*-of schedule.'' 
 
 The intercom remains on but silent for several moments before the pilot continues impassively. “ \*pshh\* We at the Confederacy would like to-uhhh-thank you for choosing to ride with us today-uh-and your sacrifice is-uhhhh-greatly appreciated. Uhhh-All hail lord Xenu. Flight attendants, prepare for landing. ” 
 
 Bill ’ s brain has barely any time to process any of this before he ’ s chained to a volcano and he and the volcano are both exploded with a nuclear bomb. His disembodied soul haunts the people of Teegeeack for all eternity, except Tom Cruise.
