[ WP ] The day the human population crossed 5 billion it was flagged for evaluation by The Consortium for Galactic Peace as a potential parasite . Their silent and thorough followup study is now over and the verdict is ...

Judge Gravizort peeked through a gap in the curtains to look at the audience. A vast landscape of tentacles, antennae, tails, and horns packed the audience chamber. Big crowd tonight. 
 
 There was an enormous glass panel dividing the audience chamber from the Stage of Justice. 
 
 A trapdoor opened in the middle of the stage, emitting an evanescent purple gas. Two figures arose from the mist. One was a six-foot-tall horned owl, with manacles binding its legs and customized handcuffs around its wings. Megalorp, Judge Gravizort thought, trying to get himself in character, What a waste of nitrogen. I ’ m gon na stick him with the death penalty. 
 
 The other figure was humanoid from the waist up, arachnid from the waist down. Two sets of mouths, both with yellow fangs. 
 
 “ All rise, ” the humarachnoid figure said, “ The Court is now in session. ” He pulled down hard on Megalorp ’ s chains. The owl fell onto a hoverchair. Restraints sprang out of the chair and looped around him. 
 
 The spectators rushed up towards the barrier to get a better look at Megalorp. They smeared their noses and snouts against the glass. 
 
 “ Defiler! ” they shouted, “ Blasphemer! ” they roared, “ You ’ ll be the death of us all! ” they cried. 
 
 “ The honorable Judge Gravizort, now presiding, ” the humarachniod shouted at the crowd. He flipped a switch and a glowing ‘ APPLAUSE ’ sign flashed at the audience. 
 
 They clapped wildly, jostling each other to get a better view of the stage. 
 
 Gravizort clutched the curtain tightly in his little green pincer. No, not yet, he thought to himself. Make them wait a little. Build the tension. 
 
 He took out a compact mirror from the pocket of his long black robe. 
 
 “ Stacy! ” he hissed. “ Come fix the make-up on my mandible. There ’ s a smudge. ” 
 
 A pony-centaur with rainbow-colored hair trotted over on tiny legs. “ I ’ m so sorry Mr. Gravizort, sir, ” she said, her delicate hands massaging his mandible with a cotton pad and then dabbing him with a spot of rouge. “ Is that better your Honor, sir? ” she asked with concern, holding out a mirror. 
 
 Gravizort inspected himself. He was such a handsome praying mantis. The black velvet robes hung from his austere shoulders. His lustrous silver wig fit snugly atop his smooth green head. They wig ’ s long bouncy curls hung down to his waist. He winked at himself in the mirror, and then shooed Stacy away. 
 
 The applause was rising now. 
 
 “ Gra-vi-ZORT, ” the crowd chanted, “ Gra-vi-ZORT, ” 
 
 Judge Gravizort took a deep breath and fixed an ingratiating smile to his face. He swept through the curtains and entered the stage. 
 
 The crowd shouted jubilantly. Gravizort wheeled around the perimeter of the stage, waving at audience members behind the glass, feigning profound gratitude, bowing slightly to every corner of the room and blowing kisses at attractive females. 
 
 Eventually he came to the Bench of Justice and sat down. The APPLAUSE sign turned off. 
 
 “ EVERYONE SIT! ” the humarachnoid shouted at the crowd. He snatched two plasma pistols from his waist and held them akimbo towards the audience, daring them to disobey him. 
 
 “ Thank you Frank, ” Gravizort said to the humarachnoid, “ Let ’ s get started. ” 
 
 Frank nodded, still eyeing the crowd distrustfully. He said, “ We go LIVE in 3…2…1…go! ” 
 
 A long robotic arm extended down from the ceiling, pointing a camera at Gravizort. 
 
 He smiled at the camera. “ Welcome, ” he said, “ to the Stage of Justice! The crimes are all real, and everyone is guilty! We ’ ve got a great show for you tonight, folks. We ’ ll start an infamous criminal—I ’ m sure you ’ ve seen him on the news already—the one, the only… Megalorp! ” 
 
 The camera twisted around to look at the giant owl, heavily restrained on its floating bench. Megalorp turned his head away from the camera, looking nauseous. 
 
 The camera returned to Gravizort. “ Later on in the docket, we have a case of criminal negligence. Juicy! And afterwards we ’ ll hear a case about a fistfight in the Galactic Congress. What a day! ” Gravizort smiled, “ Stick around after the show folks, it ’ s game-night right here on Channel 2240. See Antionio Rodriguez, hall-of-fame goalkeeper, playing in his first RocketBall match since getting his leg re-attached. ” 
 
 The show ’ s theme song played. 
 
 “ It ’ s time for our first case! ” Judge Gravizort said, “ Megalorp. You stand accused of falsifying the data in your BioChemistry lab report. How do you plead? ” 
 
 The owl shifted his eyes uncomfortably. “ Not guilty, ” he mumbled. 
 
 “ Not guilty? ” Gravizort said in astonishment. “ Well, I don ’ t believe you! ” He slammed the gavel down with a bang. 
 
 “ Guilty! ” Gravizort said, “ I recommend the death penalty. What say you, members of the jury? ” He looked at the crowd behind the plate glass divider. They hollered with reckless abandon. 
 
 “ Kill him! ” they shouted, “ He ’ s a menace to society! ” they screamed, “ If you let him go, he ’ s just going to do it again, ” a hoarse man yelled. 
 
 “ Very well, ” Gravizort said, “ The jury has spoken. I, the honorable Judge Gravizort, do hereby sentence Megalorp to death by decapitation. Any last words, Megalorp? ” 
 
 “ This isn ’ t fair, ” Megalorp said, “ I just falsified a lab report. It ’ s not a big deal. ” 
 
 Gravizort ’ s eyes widened. “ Not a big deal? ” he said, “ To falsify a lab report? ” 
 
 He looked at Megalorp in shock. “ The very foundation of our society is the scientific method. Without science, we are nothing. You are a deceiver, a misleader, a hoodwinker, and a betrayer! You would have us follow you to our collective doom! ” Spittle was flying from Gravizort's mouth. 
 
 Megalorp mumbled, “ It was just an experiment about some crop fertilizer. ” 
 
 “ SILENCE! ” Judge Gravizort said, banging his gavel so hard that it cracked. 
 
 “ Frank, ” Gravizort said, “ Carry out the sentence. ” 
 
 The humarachnoid approached Megalorp menacingly. 
 
 Backstage, Stacy patted a little green man on the shoulders. “ That's your cue, ” she said. 
 
 The little green man ran out onto the stage, waving his arms. 
 
 “ Stop! ” he squeaked, “ Stop this at once! ” 
 
 “ What ’ s this? ” Judge Gravizort said, feigning surprise. 
 
 “ I ’ m his lawyer, ” the little green man squeaked defiantly. “ Don ’ t you know who he is? ” he jerked his thumb at Megalorp. 
 
 “ He is a criminal in my courtroom, ” Judge Gravizort declared, “ Justice is blind. ” 
 
 “ He ’ s very highly connected, ” the lawyer said, “ He ’ s a member of the Lorpadorp family. His uncle is in the Galactic Senate and his cousin is the CEO of AndromedaCorp. His father is the dean at— ” 
 
 “ Enough, ” Judge Gravizort held up his pincer admonishingly. 
 
 “ But you can ’ t kill him, ” the lawyer squeaked, “ He ’ s untouchable! ” 
 
 Gravizort ’ s face was a mask of fury. “ No one is untouchable in my courtroom, ” he said, “ I charge you with contempt in court. ” 
 
 “ What? ” the little green man said helplessly. 
 
 “ GUILTY! ” Judgeg Gravizort shouted, “ Death by lethal injection! ” 
 
 The little green man gave a little scream and tried to run away. Restrains sprang out of the stage and manacled him to the floor. 
 
 “ Kill them both, ” Gravizort said. 
 
 Frank scuttled towards the little green man. He pulled out a syringe and held it up to the light. He pressed the plunger a little, and a mysterious milky liquid oozed out the tip of the needle. He stabbed the little green man in the neck and threw down the plunger. 
 
 “ AAAAaaaah, ” the little green man screamed, “ My organs are burning! ” He gurgled and went limp. 
 
 Frank scuttled towards the Megalorp, who was shaking with terror. 
 
 “ Twist his head off! ” someone in the crowd shouted. Frank nodded. He stood behind the owl, his hands gripping its head. 
 
 “ Any last words? ” Frank asked. 
 
 Megalorp screamed. 
 
 Frank twisted his head 180 degrees. Nothing happened. Megalorp blinked confusedly. Frank scuttled around a little and twisted Megalorp ’ s head another 180 degrees. Nothing happened. Frustrated, Frank ran in circles around Megalorp, holding the owl ’ s head tightly in his hands. 
 
 CRACK! Megalorp ’ s chin fell down to his chest. 
 
 “ And there you have it folks! ” Judge Gravizort said, “ Justice has been served. Now let ’ s take a quick commercial break and we ’ ll be back with our next case! ” 
 
 The lights dimmed and an opaque partition suddenly dropped in front of the glass barrier, blocking the audience ’ s view of the stage. 
 
 The little green man straightened himself up. “ Can I get these chains off? ” he asked. Stage Manager Bongor rushed onstage and helped him out of the restraints. 
 
 “ Hey Frank, ” the little green man said, “ Do you still have my insulin injector? ” 
 
 Frank handed him the needle. 
 
 “ Excellent job, ” Stage Manager Bongor said to the little green man, handing him a sugar-free candy bar. “ How are we doing over here? ” he asked Megalorp. The owl raised his head to meet Bongor ’ s gaze. 
 
 “ I ’ m fine, ” he said. Bongor undid his restraints. Megalorp stood up and did some stretches. 
 
 “ Okay, ” Stage Manager Bongor said, “ Everybody get offstage, it ’ s almost time for the next case. ” 
 
 Frank swore. “ I can ’ t remember my lines for this one. What ’ s it about again? ” 
 
 “ No, ” Bongor said, “ This is our real case for tonight. ” 
 
 “ What happened? ” Judge Gravizort asked. 
 
 “ Some guy was renting a planet, ” Bongor said, “ There was an infestation of primitive humans, but he didn ’ t clean it up. Things got unsustainable and now the property value is a lot lower. ” 
 
 “ What kinds of punishments can I give? ” Judge Gravizort asked eagerly. 
 
 “ Some community service, ” Bongor said. 
 
 Judge Gravizort frowned. 
 
 “ You can try for a few months on a prison planet, ” Bongor said, “ But he ’ ll probably be able to get an appeal and they ’ ll reduce the sentence. ” 
 
 “ What ’ s this guy ’ s name? ” Gravizort asked. 
 
 “ I dunno how to pronounce it, ” Bongor said, “ It ’ s spelled Z-E-U-S. ” 

