[ WP ] One day your guardian angel appears and tells you about all the kick-ass protection you 've been getting .

Hello, my name is Lionel, yes the wings are real, that ’ s why I ’ m standing, wings and chairs don ’ t really go well together. 
 
 I am < omitted > ’ s guardian angel, yes that < omitted >, sitting right over there, between the skinny guy and the bearded guy. I ’ m not really an alcoholic, I just drink so < omitted > doesn ’ t. Let me tell you a bit about how I got here, that ’ s how these meetings go right? 
 
 < omitted > grew up without a mother because she was killed by a drunk driver. His father, contrary to what popular culture would have you believe, wasn ’ t an alcoholic and never beat his son. That where I came in, I drank so his father wouldn ’ t need to, and every time his dad was close to losing control of his anger around < omitted >, I made him fall sleep. True, this resulted in his inability to be much of a father, since he was so angry and sleepy all the time, but at least he never once raised his hand in anger towards his son and never once was drunk in his sons presence. < omitted > was coming into his formative years as a man and needed a strong father figure, and so when < omitted > was 11, I killed his dad in a car accident, he fell asleep at the wheel. < omitted > went to live with his uncle. His uncle was a good guy, big beard, like you, liked the outdoors, was Jewish but ate a ton of bacon. 
 
 
 Oh, then came the teenage years, boy was I busy. When he was 12, I did all his homework and helped him cheat on every test, because the smartest kids rarely get into trouble. When he was 14, I kept him from kissing that girl by making her attracted to Brian. She had a particularly virulent form of meningitis, both Brian and her died two months later from brain hemorrhages, < omitted > was heartbroken, but still alive. When he was 16, he had his first sexual experience, it was a good one, in the back of the bus with Harriet, I know because I was there. After that, with all the STD ’ s going around his school, I decided that sex was just too much of a can of worms and gave him erectile dysfunction for the next two years. Thinking back, that was probably a mistake, but his prom date had syphilis and his girlfriend his senior year thought teeth were a good thing, really he ’ s lucky. 
 
 
 Then came college, that ’ s when we ( guardian angels ) get a few years off. There ’ s a special team of commandos that handles young adults college years, or as the big lady likes to refer to it as the *Aeta Doloros*. Either way, I got to kick back with some old lady in Wisconsin for four years, lots of close shaves with the winter driving there, but not too bad. In retrospect, it probably would have been easier if I just gave her a minor crash and took away her license, but her kids were miserable little fucks who wouldn ’ t drive her anywhere so that probably wouldn ’ t of worked out either. I reported them to Raguel. I don ’ t feel sorry for them. 
 
 
 Anyways, back to < omitted >, he was 22 when I took over again, out into the real world. < omitted > wasn ’ t having an easy time of it, and my job was tough. I saved him a few times, he got dysentery ( an oldie, but a goodie! ) and missed the cruise with his girlfriend which ended up sinking over by Italy. His shin splints kept him from running the Boston Marathon, and he got fired from Sandy Hook elementary school after sleeping through his alarm clock one too many times. 
 
 
 I whispered in his girlfriend ’ s ear and she said said no when he proposed. But that ’ s a good thing, she had the early breast cancer gene she was going to die in a few short years, but only after putting him through years of misery as she slowly lost the fight with cancer. No way he would of been happy. 
 
 Then one day a few years ago, he was at a liquor store and brought home a bottle of Vodka, the kind that comes in a plastic bottle. I wasn ’ t really on my A game that day on account of some late night shenanigans with the lady from Wisconsin ( she died the year after I left, I visit her sometimes and we party ). 
 Anyways, long story short, I realized a few months and several bottles later that he wasn ’ t drinking with friends, or making fancy cocktails, he was coming home from his boring ( safe ) job every day and drinking to forget. 
 Well, I just about shit a brick, let me tell you, I couldn ’ t let that happen, that ’ s one thing that really isn ’ t forgivable, giving up and drinking yourself to death. Funny because so many other ways to off yourself are just fine, but slowly drinking yourself to death, that ’ s a firm no. So I started drinking for him. Every time he wanted a drink, I ’ d take it instead, just like his father. As a result I was drunk almost all the time, I started lapsing on my responsibilities, and he started taking unnecessary risks. 
 
 He started thinking about that syphilitic girl from high school. I was drunk. 
 
 He friended her on facebook one night. I was drunk. 
 
 He flew across the country to meet her only to discover she was married and his heart was broken. I was drunk. 
 
 He quit his safe job. Still drunk. 
 
 He bought a motorcycle. I was actually sober and got rid of that motorcycle ASAP, got him into an old Volvo. 
 
 He moved to London. I was drunk, actually didn ’ t even notice he was gone for a few weeks before realizing he was across the pond. Told myself I ’ d sober up then, but then he got lonely in London, so I started drinking again. 
 
 He met a cute British girl. I was still drunk. 
 
 He took her to India, got sick, broke his arm and spent a week in a hospital in Mumbai, I was drunk in Hyderabad. 
 
 He came back from India and bought a ring. I was so drunk that day I think I was actually in Russia following some other guy named < omitted >. 
 
 Anyways, as any stock trader can tell you, you can only work drunk for so long before the boss starts noticing. Specially one of those omnipotent, omniscient, micromanaging bosses like I have. I got reassigned and one of those other jackass guardian angels got < omitted >. I was assigned to a jellyfish. One of those little poisonous creatures that makes swimming in the ocean a total bitch. Nothing eats these things, they just float around and kill random fish. Anyways, apparently in my absence, the new guardian angel really fucked things up and < omitted > was back to drinking ( that ’ s why he ’ s here right? ). So I got *re*-reassigned, and here I am. 
 
 I ’ m just here to tell you that I ’ m not going to stop drinking, in fact, I ’ m going to start drinking, and < omitted >, yes, I ’ m talking about you, will no longer be coming to these meetings. He's not going to be drinking. < omitted >, still talking about you, is going to go and find that wonderful girl he took to India ( here ’ s her new phone number ) and apologize for the past few years. I don ’ t know if it ’ ll work, but at least he'll be sober. 
 
 
 My names Lionel and I ’ m going to go have a drink. 

