[ PI ] The Delicate Wasteland of the Brain - FEB CONTEST

Hi! I really liked this one. Thematically it's reminiscent of the ultimate theme of The Dark Tower series. 
 
 Hana was an interesting ( and to me, appealing ) character. I like quiet badasses. I was hooked on it because I started to wonder what was compelling Hana to keep playing the hero, even though she did n't want to. 
 
 The writing tends to be a little removed from the action. I suspect that this was intentional on your part, as there is little dialogue. For example, there's a part where Hana speaks to one of the goons, whom she recognizes as a former store clerk: 
 
 > Hana objected as well as her words would let her, but she could n't seem to form an argument. No matter how well-formed her thoughts were, they came out as quips. She was n't a genius, but she would never stoop to one-liners if she had a choice. 
 
 What you're doing here is describing a conversation, but not actually setting it out for the reader. There is a lot of this in this piece. You might be doing this in order to underline the weary sameness of what Hana is doing, which makes sense, but I think using it so frequently makes it difficult to engage with the story and distances the reader. 
 
 You might try actually showing the dialogue at some points, e.g: 
 
 *I'm the one who's armed*, Hana thought. *And you're demanding that* I *surrender? * She tried the say the words, but what came out instead, as she hefted her katana, was, `` Sorry. You're all out of stock.'' *Ugh. Always with the one-liners*. 
 
 Obviously that is a terrible example of a one-liner, but hopefully I've illustrated my point. 
 
 Do n't take my constructive criticism too harshly. I really did like this one. Congrats! 
 
 

