[ WP ] As the devil , part of your job is to ensure the balance of good and evil along with god each day . The day is about to end , you realize that Earth is missing two good deeds , and God is on vacation

*Sigh. * 
 
 
 I lean back in my office chair, close my eyes and put my feet up on my desk. The glowing red numbers on my digital clock are the only light in the room, reading: `` 10:12 PM''. 
 *Less than two hours to go*, I think to myself. *Yea, two hours of sitting here in a state of complete silence and boredom before a new day of evil* ( and good, I reluctantly add ) *is unleashed upon the world. * For now I will just have to sit here and dwell in my pit of gloom. 
 
 To be completely honest, I'm not really sure why God took his job. Just letting everyone know: Supremacy is sup-er boring. Yea, having free reign over everything is fun at first, but after a while, it loses it's charm. It's more fun knowing you're not *supposed* to be doing anything wrong. *Without rules, there can be no rebellion. * God, I swear I spend more of my time reminiscing than actually working in this shitty cubicle. 
 
 That reminds me, I should probably check to see if all of the jobs for today were done, God is such a slacker lately. Everyone thinks he's so *perfect*, well, if they could see how much he actually does around here, they might change their minds. *It makes me sick. He gets all the credit, while he watches ME do all the work. Hmph. * 
 
 I scroll through the task check page, my tired eyes barely skimming the document, when I notice something. There are two good deeds missing! I grit my teeth and ball my fists. Of *course* God left for his vacation without doing all his jobs! Typical of him! 
 
 I rack my brains for some way I could make up for this disaster, but it's kind of difficult to think of good deeds when you're Satan. 
 
 Suddenly, I leap out of my chair, 
 `` Eureka!'' I cry out, probably waking half of the world while I'm at it. Oops. 
 
 ~~~ 
 
 I do n't know if any of you have ever attempted teleportation when you're exhausted, but assuming you have n't, do n't! Absolutely draining! Oh well, at least I'm here now: Germany! I'm here for a guy named... Hitler? I snort to myself. *For a guy who's arguably the most powerful in the world, he sure has a dorky name. * 
 
 I look around at my surroundings. It's a dark bunker? *Geez, he does n't have great interior design skills either, does he? * I can tell that we're underground, I can feel the heat of my kingdom pulling me down. 
 
 I see him sitting in the corner, a worried expression on his face. *Perfect, hopefully this means he's going to be easier to convince. * I slink over to him, sit down and tap him on the shoulder. He looks up. 
 
 `` Oh fuck! What the hell?'' he screams. ( This has been translated into modern English for your viewing pleasure ). 
 
 *What a foul mouth! * 
 
 `` Hemhem? *Language! *'' I scold this uneducated little bisnitch of a prawn twister. 
 `` Oh, um, sorry... Oh fudge?'' he says, obviously confused and scared, as he should be, peasant. 
 
 I laugh at his oblivion and correct him. 
 
 `` No, say *fuck* all you like. Just take caution when you're mentioning'hell' around me, next time.'' 
 He opens his mouth in awe, and then shuts it again. *That's what I thought. * 
 
 `` So, Hitler. How is life?'' 
 
 He refuses to speak. He's clearly in shock, but that's no excuse. I coil my fiery hot claws around his puny throat, and repeat the question. 
 `` I asked you a question, and I expect it to be answered! Understand?'' I ask him, and he nods, gulping against my hand, still firm around his neck. 
 `` So, how is life?'' I say, releasing him. 
 
 He gasps. `` Not so good, actually. My plans to take over the world and build a master-race have come crashing down lately. The pressure to succeed is just... Too much, you know?'' I nod, smirking, *as if I actually care about what he's saying*. 
 
 
 `` Well, there is one way you could... rid yourself of this pain, *permanently. *'' I say, testing the waters. 
 
 `` Yea, I know.'' he replies. `` I have been thinking a lot about it lately.'' *Really? * *I guess half of my work is already done. * Hey! Killing someone still counts as a good deed if the rest of the world hates them, right? Best of both worlds. 
 
 `` You know, at this moment, you could just *end it all*?'' I whisper into his ear, letting my cold breath travel through his skin. I conjure a gun from midair, and push it into his palm. I feel his breathing grow heavier. 
 
 
 `` *All* you have to do is pull the trigger, my dear friend.'' I hiss. 
 His lifeless eyes travel to mine for a second, and they linger over my demeaning expression. It must be a pitiful sight, the scarred face of a sadist who has become immune to emotion. 
 
 Suddenly he leans in and puts his mouth to my ear, and says the most unexpected thing I could have imagined: 
 **'' Has anyone ever told you that you look really fucking *hot* when you're mean? `` ** 
 
 
 My jaw drops open, but I quickly recover. 
 `` Oh come on, I'm hot all the time, dumb-ass. It's kind of of in the job description.'' I retort, but my voice shakes even as I say it. 
 
 He nuzzles his face into my neck and lets out a long, cool breath. 
 
 `` Come on sweetheart, you know you want this to happen. We would be the *baddest* pair in hisssstory.'' he mumbles into my burning skin. 
 
 But this burning is... different. It's not just my evil radiance, I'm... *blushing? * Preposterous! No one calls **me** *sweetheart* ( vomit ) and gets away with it! 
 `` Uh... is n't this the part where you should be killing yourself?'' I say feebly. 
 He smirks. 
 
 `` Oh, but should I now? If I was, then I would n't be able to do *this. *'' he says coyly, grinning, as he pushes me down, and starts straddling me. Then he leans down, pinning my arms to the floor, his face right above mine. `` And we both know that that would be such a shame, would n't it?'' I feel the lust dripping from his voice with his every word, and my heart ( *I* ***have*** *one of those useless things? * ) beating in my chest, faster and faster. 
 
 `` You know, Satan, I have always admired your work. The control you demonstrate, your merciless, stone cold punishments. You run a tight ship. *You* are the reason for everything I have done! You're my inspiration, you're everything I have ever known. And now, I want you to *feel* my appreciation. You know, for getting me so far and all, helping me create my infamous name. And I want you to know that everything I have done to this world, I have meant it, every bit of it. It's engrained in me, because of you. So I thank you, *I thank you now*.'' 
 
 
 And with that, he leant in and gave me a rough, passionate **kiss** *on the mouth*. I gasped, in shock, in horror, but also in... *desire? * 
 
 `` Oh, and before how I mentioned that everything I did was true to my beliefs? Well, except for the part about hating gays. That was all kind of a cover up... But I guess *you know now*.'' he sneered as he leant in for another heated kiss. 
 
 Now, while I was lying here, pinned to the ground, locked in a passionate kiss with one of the most evil mortals imaginable, I could deny everything. I could say I was disgusted, I could say that this was wrong, but it was. And that made it even *better. * He was right! There was nothing holding us back! We could have it all, be the most twisted, notorious coupling of all time! Since when did I have to settle with being lumped over with everyone else's dirty laundry? Since *never. * I have been complaining about my job for the longest time ever, and since when did I work for the man? That's RIGHT. *Never! * So fuck it, *I* ***quit! *** 
 
 I growled into Hitler's ear. `` Shut up and *fuck me*.'' 
 
 
 `` Oh, baby. You know I like it when you're rough.'' he grinned as he unzipped his pants. `` Call me Adolf, by the way.'' 
 
 
 and they lived happily ever after. 
 
 The End
