[ WP ] The protagonist often breaks the 4th wall , and so the narrator decides to break the 5th . Things are getting heated between the two .

`` I need a raise,'' says Protag. He sips his tea as if his lips are insured for millions. 
 
 The narrator slaps Protag across the face. Then backhands him. `` Point A: I would never consider paying you for your shenanigans. B: You frustrate me, you ape.'' 
 
 `` You technically just said the same thing in two different ways.'' 
 
 The narrator arches a thick, bushy brow and strokes his beard. `` Do you need another time-out?'' 
 
 `` Oh yeahhhh.'' Protag sighed. `` The last time that happened was Chapter 4, I believe? That one went way off-the-rails, if I recall correctly.'' 
 
 `` I'm a writer. My definition of `` off-the-rails'' entails more than two brothers fighting life-or-death.'' The narrator sat up in his chair, scratched his ass and snapped his fingers. `` One week this time. No negotiations.'' He is pretty much talking to the air at this point. 
 
 The protag is thousands of leagues or miles or lightyears away in the back of the Narrator's mind. Like the man's beard, it is just as hairy and sticky. 
 
 `` Oh, you will rue this day!'' Protag yells out into the infinity of imagination. 
 
 Two weeks later, Protag is being saved from Antag by Protag Dos. 
 
 `` Frankly, I would n't have to be in this situations that I needed saving from if a certain writer would flesh out my character. Or as I like to call it, first base.'' 
 
 `` Stop!'' The narrator yelled. He appeared standing on the side of skyscraper. Protag Dos stopped running, dropped Protag to his feet and ran off to get coffee. 
 
 `` You know it's because of him that we're always out of decaf.'' 
 
 The narrator crosses his arms. `` Literally no one besides you two even drinks that crap.'' 
 
 `` It's because you're on a constant sugar high that you write me so craptastically, Boss.'' 
 
 The narrator closes his eyes and massages the bridge of his nose. `` It's not a sugar high, it's alcoholism, you freaky bastard.'' 
 
 `` I do n't care what it is, it is interfering with your genius! No, please. No need to blush on my account.'' 
 
 `` When did you get to be so sassy?'' 
 
 `` It could possibly have been -- now I'm not 100 % sure here but -- when you freaking brought me to life back in Chapter 1. I was your hero. I was unstoppable. Now I've lost my man-card.'' He nods to Protag Dos who toasts into the air with his decaf. Antag comes up behind Protag Dos and slaps his ass. Protag laughs heartily. 
 
 `` Do n't you see?'' he asks the narrator. `` I get along with those two famously. I do n't know why our chemistry is so awkward whenever you're behind the helm.'' 
 
 `` Please,'' the narrator insists. `` Please write the story as you see fit. I shall take my one week vacation in your stead.'' 
 
 While the narrator and his wife go to their beautiful island get-away, Protag gets to work self-directing his masterpiece. 
 
 `` Antag, I want you to be more sympathetic, even fatherly towards Protag Dos. Can I get a little more affection from you? Great. Thanks. Action!'' 
 
 `` I was God's favorite.'' 
 
 `` Cut!'' 
 
 Antag scratches the back of his head. `` I'm sorry, did I say the line incorrectly?'' 
 
 `` That's not the line at all,'' Protag huffs. `` All I need you to do is stand over Protag Dos and say fatherly things to him.'' 
 
 `` Okay.'' 
 
 `` Do you understand?'' 
 
 `` No.'' 
 
 `` What do n't you understand?'' 
 
 `` What you mean by `` fatherly.'' According to your script, mine was kind of wrathful.'' 
 
 `` No, I definitely do n't want wrathful.'' 
 
 `` You could always just slap my ass again,'' Protag Dos suggests. `` Really go in for it and cup a cheek.'' 
 
 Protag smiled. `` I'm not actually opposed to that.'' 
 
 `` That's `` fatherly'' to you?'' Antag asks incredulously. `` I mean, I like the idea too, but there's something a little --'' 
 
 `` It's fine. I've decided to have you two be lovers fighting over your love for me.'' 
 
 Two days pass. 
 
 `` I'm liking the naked aspect a lot, but your ass is hairy,'' Protag Dos says of Protag. 
 
 `` Okay just consider this rehearsal, then I'll shave for the actual thing.'' 
 
 `` Does n't that make everyone else a voyeur.'' 
 
 Antag shakes his head. `` No no no, I'm definitely a part of this. It's officially in the script.'' 
 
 The narrator returns from his much-deserved vacation. To his utter surprise, his novel has become a homoerotica. 
 
 `` Protag, are you secretly a sexually frustrated teenage girl? Because this sure as hell reads a lot like fanfiction.'' 
 
 `` Ah, but it's good fanfiction, is it not?'' 
 
 The narrator, by principle, has no problem with the genre, but he has zero experience writing in it. 
 
 `` Oh yeah, I ordered some things, so we had to adjust the budget a bit.'' 
 
 `` Budget? Are you making a motion-picture here?'' 
 
 `` Oh, Liam Hemsworth is totally going to play me!'' supplies Antag. 
 
 `` Protag, we need to talk, in private.'' 
 
 `` There are no secrets here,'' Protag says of the set where they are standing. It actually is n't too different from a nudist colony. 
 
 `` Look, Protag,'' the narrator says. `` I would love to join your orgy. I mean not really, but I appreciate the invite.'' 
 
 `` Hairy asses not invited!'' called Protag Dos. 
 
 `` HEY! You know nothing of the quality of hair upon my buttocks!'' He slumps afterwards and places a hand on Protag's surprisingly soft and supple shoulder. `` I've let you have your fun, and I'm glad you and your brothers are getting alo --'' 
 
 `` Pause,'' says Antag. 
 
 `` Rewind,'' says Protag Dos. 
 
 `` Brothers? What do you mean by that?'' asks Protag. He starts to sweat. 
 
 The narrator, having seen his share of naked men in the locker room from his coaching days, does n't bat an eyelash. `` You've read the entire script have n't you. You three are all brothers. Well, actually, I do n't know if I reveal that at the end of this book or the second one, but yeah, that's supposed to be the big, heartbreaking reveal, especially after you two --'' he looks at Protag Uno and Dos --'' kill him off. Oh, and the best part is that that's when you, Protag, actually become Antag! Is n't that great?'' 
 
 The three characters looked at each other. They looked at each other for a very, very long time. 
 
 - 
 
 x-posted to r/LaboratoryLux
