[ CC ] Dying Wish

Do n't have the time to go through everything, but here's a brief look: 
 
 > **'' Miranda, would you come with me to the market? `` **^1 **John asked his wife**^2 as she was reading a capacious book about the history of Cornwall. Miranda had, for as long as **she**^3 and John could remember, always fashioned Brittan ’ s history, **and**^4 did not mind reading large and hefty books that would **fill her mind with vivid pictures of the past. **^5 **'' Of course dear,'' **^6 she said as she closed the book. 
 
 1- This is the opening line of your story and as such it has to added duty of being the tip of the spear sliding into the reader's mind. It should tease the senses and tickle the imagination. While you can certainly open on dialog, a question no less, the one you chose work particularily well. Worse, after reading a little bit into the first paragraph it feels out of character. Miranda and John seem very much in love and you're opening question feels devoid of passion. You do n't need to be cheesy with the line, but it needs to feel engaging. `` Miranda, would you come with me to the market.'' I read and imagine as being monotone. That opening line feels like something that is spoken by a marriage without love where the husband is making his last efforts to include his wife in something, anything. If it was me I would go all in on the love of Britian for the wife and literally start with a red herring, `` Dr. Holmes, would that it please you I wonder if you might be up for accompanying me, your good friend Dr. Watson, to the market this afternoon.'' and then follow up with context where she looks at him with mock disgust putting down here British history book and chasing him around a bit or lightly hitting him while reprimanding his childish tempremant. And that may certainly not be the way to go, but at least it is brings character and context and insight for the reader. 
 
 2 - `` John asked his wife'''' is, while factually correct, a very dry way to state this. Try to inject some emotion and feeling. Something like, `` The words skipped from his mouth and then were stopped in silent admiration of the woman before him, the woman he had married twenty two years ago. 
 
 3 - Drop the she here. The build up is all from John's perspective and adding heer in here actually detracts from the flow of the piece. 
 
 4 - Consider stopping this and making a new sentence about the size of the books and not adding it on to this already lengthy sentece. 
 
 5 - Again, `` Fill her mind with vivid pictures of the past'' is a dry way of saying this. Additionally, we should hear this from John's perspective. Instead of stating what it actually does for here state what John thinks. `` He loved watching her eyes flitter across the text and the soft scrape as she moved the paper right to left and began again at the top of the next page. He, having read books for sure, but never understanding the real appeal, always wondered what it was she saw in her mind. Green grass covering the empty plains of some battlefield, shouts and screams as metal hit metal and armies charged forward. Did she see heroes, did she see villians, did she see love in a time where it seemed the world was filled with nothing but hate?'' 
 
 6 - `` Of course dear'' seems pretty drab of a response as well. Maybe I'm missing the point here and maybe this is really an old couple at the end of their lives that are in that state of life where they are just running routine, but it seems like they are intended to be younger and still in love. `` Of course dear'' does n't bring much to the character. At the very least, if you want to go the not loving way, try `` Of course'' she let out with a brief sigh, sharply bookmarking her novel and placing it to her stand before finally letting out, `` dear.'' 
 
 To summate - more than anything, the idea that I'm trying to get across is that through you're entire story you're telling the story through fact and exposition solely. It never feels like you're using metaphor and symbolism. You're not stretching your vocabulary and drawing the user into a literary flurry of juxtaposition and alliteration. It's always `` she said'' or `` she asked'' and never `` her words echoed through the depths of my soul and left me empty, devoid of faith and reason, an empty shell, a statue that represents a human, but nothing more. 

