[ WP ] You Talk to God

I ca n't explain it. Over the last few days I've had the overwhelming urge to pray. Like full on pray to God for direction. Sure I grew up Christian, but I've become a practicing Buddhist in my adulthood. On my drive home from work I thought `` I should really meditate on this tonight.'' But my mind knew this would simply not suffice. 
 
 Life has been incredibly stressful over the last five or so years. Having a kid, the demise of one relationship I was sure was going to be the one, the demise of another in which I was very lonely, but kept on with, hoping I could bring myself to terms with. The sudden death of a close friend, the one person who was the glue that held my life together. Every aspect of my life is drastically different than it was even a year ago. New job, new apartment, new lifestyle... everything. I feel like I've been floundering, grasping at anything that can lead me in one direction or another. And my drinking certainly was n't helping things. I've had to stop that after several bouts of vomiting coffee grounds. 
 
 I'm not one to talk in the car, but on my drive I began leaning on my old Christian habits and began to awkwardly pray. `` Lord, I really need your help. Like seriously need your help. I do n't know why I'm compelled to talk to you but you have seen it necessary that I do. I have n't been honest with you and I sure as hell have n't been honest with myself. I've been selfish and petty and greedy and my altruism of late has been only to serve myself. I feel like I've been robbing one hand to pay the other and it's really taking its toll. Living clean is so much harder than it seems. I'm desperate. Please, please give me direction and guidance. In Jesus' name, Amen.'' 
 
 I felt a little better, but knew this was just opening the floodgates. I need to just stop, be quiet, and pray. The evening was uneventful as I went about my normal routine. I turned on the fan in the bedroom and just before I got in bed I knelt down, put my head in my hands, and talked to God. `` Lord, I know I touched on this earlier, but I truly need help. I do n't know how much longer I can take this stress. I am truly thankful for everything I have. My jobs, my house, my child, my family, everything. I know it sounds petulant and ungrateful, but I just need your help. I'm in a relationship where it feels like the one thing I want most is out of reach. I'm trying to be understanding and patient but it's so, so hard when he just wo n't communicate because he wo n't have serious conversations. But I'm also scared that his answers are not what I want to hear. Being a single parent is good, she's an awesome kid, but the responsibility is heavy. I'm not asking you to change that, I'm just getting it off my chest. I know I'm rambling, but I hope you can see what I'm feeling and that I do n't feel like I have any direction. I know I have n't been the kind of person I know I can be and that's what I need to change. Please help me see where I need to go, please, just a sign... just let something happen, in any aspect of my life that can guide me and help me become a better person. Or just reassurance that I'm on the right track. Maybe this is the first step, by talking to you. I'll be better about this too.'' 
 
 I wiped away my tears as I climbed into bed. I did n't want to watch anything on tv, just lay there, hoping for something to happen. Nothing changed. I stared at the ceiling for what seemed like forever, listening to the fan. When I woke this morning, I did n't feel any better. I know talking to God does n't always produce results. Perhaps I had a conversation with my mattress. All I can do is hope that someone was listening.
