[ WP ] A guy finds the perfect avocado

Matt was having a bad day. 
 
 Either his alarm didn ’ t go off, or it went off and he slept through it. Slept through it seven times, that is. You see, Matt sets seven alarms so this sort of shit doesn ’ t happen in the morning when he needs to get up for work. Because if he ’ s late for work one more time, he ’ d get fired. 
 
 Matt woke up at 10:42. Matt got to work at 11:33. Matt got fired. 
 
 When he got back to his apartment, Matt ’ s girlfriend was standing in the kitchen. Around her was a mountain of luggage, bags of all shapes and sizes stacked together in a seemingly precarious but surprisingly stable way. This was quite the display of travel gear. In fact, Matt realized, it was something that required a precise and well-thought-out setup. He stopped admiring the carry-on cliffs and asked his girlfriend what was going on. 
 
 She told him that she was leaving because he was unemployed. He asked her how she knew he was unemployed. She said it was because he showed up late to work today. He asked her how she knew he was late to work today. She struggled with this one. It was clear that she hadn ’ t expected this line and depth of questioning. She finally choked out that she turned off all his alarms so he would get to work late and be fired so she would have an excuse to break up with him. Because she wanted to get out of the relationship, but didn ’ t want to be *that person* who just broke up for no reason. 
 
 Fuck. 
 
 Just…fuck. 
 
 Then she asked Matt to help her carry all of the luggage out, because there was a lot of luggage and some of it was pretty heavy. 
 
 Matt decided to go to the grocery store. 
 
 Matt always like the grocery store. The thought of an entire building dedicated to wide varieties of food always seemed to comfort him. Like, it ’ s great that something like this exists. Good job, humanity. Chalk one up for science. 
 
 Matt was wandering the produce section when he saw it. It wasn ’ t on the surface of the pile – just the smallest speck of green shone out from the forest of avocados strewn about on the table. It called out to him though, in a way he could hardly explain. Moving the other avocados out of the way, like a man fumbling at the front of a cave after a rockslide, he came upon it. 
 
 It was the exact shape that Matt imagined an ideal avocado would be. More an alligator-skinned pear than the misshaped fruit that surrounded it, it was perfectly symmetrical. Lifting it up into his hand, it seemed to illuminate the area around it, a halo of deep-green light bathing the air. Matt squeezed. The avocado yielded slightly to his touch. 
 
 It was perfectly ripe. 
 
 Matt ’ s heartbeat quicken. 
 
 The planets were aligning, and they weren ’ t going to stay there for long. Even if he bought the avocado now and ate it once he got home, the browning process could have already begun. There was no time. He had to act. 
 
 He dropped his right arm, and the shopping basket which was resting on the inside of his elbow came crashing to the ground. Out of the back of his jeans, Matt pulled out his pocket knife. Carving quickly, Matt began breaking the perfect avocado into two perfect halves. The sweat poured down his face and off of his nose. If he messed up the line at all, the spell would have been broken. 
 
 As he finished, the singular avocado loosed in his grip, falling into two pieces. Taking one in each hand, he popped the avocado apart. The pit stayed centered in space as the avocado moved around it, and it dropped to the floor. Matt held back his primal urges for a moment so he could admire the inside. A lighter green than the dark skin, it shimmered in the light of the store. Beautiful. 
 
 Matt took the piece in his right hand and smashed it into his face. 
 
 Digging his teeth into the buttery flesh, a sudden serenity took over his soul. As his jaw clenched and released ( a well-practiced mastication which seemed to have been developed for this very moment ), Matt decided that everything was going to be okay. 

