[ WP ] On his way to Red Riding Hood 's house , the Big Bad Wolf spots Hansel and Gretel being ushered in by the Wicked Witch .

`` Hallo?'' I heard a child's voice calling in the forest, `` Hallo?'' 
 
 Great, I thought. Red Riding Hood's lost. But as I continued down the path, I saw that it was two unfamiliar children, headed towards the Witch's house. The children were clearly brother and sister: thin with button noses and freckles. One was a girl, in a ragged gray dress, the other a boy in suspenders. I stalked in the shadows behind them. 
 
 I could smell the softened caramel of the Witch's roof tiles before the house came into view. The kids must have spotted the house too, because they stopped shouting for help, and went running so fast towards the candy house their arms flapped behind them. 
 
 I paused. It was a pretty picture: the gingerbread house, framed in dark chocolate pillars. The children fell to eating it. From where I stood, in shadows at the edge of her yard, I could see the Witch inside the window. She stood when she heard their munching, and crept towards the door. 
 
 The sounds of their feasting echoed throughout the forest: smacking of lips, grunts, and ( most terribly of all ) the crunch of the little girl's teeth against the peppermint doorknob. 
 
 It was a pleasant spring day, and I had things to do. But I could n't help but watch for a moment. I heaved my axe up against my shoulder, blade up. I straightened my spine a little and wiped my runny nose on my sleeve. 
 
 A wolf appeared -- the Big Bad Wolf -- lured by the smell of the children as surely as the children were lured by the house. He was a big, dark gray wolf, with teeth as jagged as broken glass. When he smiled at the children, his lips rolled back, revealing gray gums. 
 
 Interesting, I thought. Witch vs. wolf? Let's see where this goes. 
 
 The witch finished creeping to the doorway. She and the wolf spotted each other, but the children kept eating, oblivious. The wolf's low growl reverberated through the handle of my axe. Yet the children, the little dummies, still did n't hear or see either of them. 
 
 I wondered how long it would take them to realize they were in danger. I've always thought of myself as a highly capable person, although lately I've had a bit of a cold. I took two steps forward into the yard, when the wolf lunged at the Witch. I backed up again, hiding behind a bush. 
 
 The witch and the wolf grappled, tumbling down the slope of the yard and towards the woods. Towards me, in fact. The wolf tore at the witch's dark cloak, white teeth flashing The Witch clawed back with long fingernails. Within a minute, the Witch flipped over on top and sucker-punched the wolf right in the gut. The wolf yowled and fell limp, and the Witch pulled out a knife and cut his throat. 
 
 This commotion, finally, roused the children from their feast. They stared at the dead wolf, melted chocolate smeared on their faces. The Witch turned towards them. 
 
 Before she could open her mouth, I threw my axe in the Witch's back. She dropped to the forest floor. ( If the witch's back had n't been turned, I would n't have stood a chance. I've been ill lately, and I'm weak. I'd hate to think what would happen if I had to face the wolf. ) 
 
 `` Hey, dummies!'' 
 
 I stepped over the witch's dead body and nodded a greeting to the two grubby kids. They stared at me. 
 
 `` Why do you have an axe?'' the boy asked. He looked me up and down. 
 
 `` I was chopping wood,'' I said. 
 
 `` But you're old.'' 
 
 I shrugged. I was a little petite lady, it was true. I sneezed. 
 
 `` And you're sick.'' 
 
 `` When you live out in the middle of the woods, you've got to chop wood for your fireplace everyday,'' I said, `` Even when you're old and sick.'' 
 
 `` Is n't there a lumberjack around here?'' 
 
 `` He's a rip-off,'' I said, `` His prices are too expensive. And besides, he's never around when I really need him. He always comes too late to help.'' 
 
 I turned my head and coughed into my sleeve. Soon as I got home, I was going to take a nap. 
 
 `` That candy crap's no good for you,'' I said, `` Little Red Riding Hood's on her way to visit, want to come to my house? She's bringing a basket of wholesome food with her, I'll share it with you.'' 
 
 `` Wholesome food?'' the girl asked, her little teeth smeared brown with chocolate, `` What's that?'' 
 
 `` Apples and shit, you know?'' I said, `` C'mon. Let ’ s go. I hope Red Riding Hood didn ’ t get lost.'' 
 
 I grabbed them both by the elbow and ushered them through the yard, giving the dead bodies of the Wolf and the Witch a wide berth. The breeze rustled the leaves overhead as we hurried down the path, leaving our bad endings behind us.
