[ WP ] all humans gain a super power on a random day of their life . you awake on your 70th birthday to discover you have finally gained your power .

The sound of a foghorn alarm startled me awake, and I slammed my hand across it in response. It moved a few inches across the table. *I hate that damned thing, * I thought. My third wife had bought it for me some forty years ago. The thing worked like a Nokia phone, though. 
 
 I slowly leaned out of my bed, careful to grab the hand-rail. I was n't as spry as I used to be, for sure. I missed my fifties, like I had missed my twenties only twenty years ago. Time had taken an axe to my perspective, I whined to myself, downing a few of my morning med's. 
 
 *And ***FUCK** *me if I take a pill to get hard, * I grumbled. Today was a bad day. 
 
 I clicked on the TV, my only companion. The first thing was the news, with that stupid haircut guy, Ron Bullreed. He could float, or some other stupid shit. And he had hair. 
 
 Some people have all the luck. 
 
 The lady-anchor had hair, too, long and blonde and full of pomp. She read minds, I think. Some funny interviews with her and politicians. And *what a doll! * 
 
 They were doing some exposé on a super-villain turned dictator successfully running a country, with a live feed on his speech. The people in front of him were literally becoming zombies, and the camera crew had censored his mouth and muted his words. 
 
 `` Earlier today, Dr. Dread announced his plans for taking over the entire southern half of South America,'' Ron said in his nasally voice, arms folded and legs criss-crossed as he floated in the air. *Some Ali-Baba shit right there. * 
 
 `` But more importantly, is Oprah coming back? *FROM THE DEAD? * Find out tonight at 7 whether the Beauty Doctor can resurrect history's most important woman!''... Had I just ***king heard that? They were going to air Oprah being pulled out of a coffin over a dictator taking over South America? With zombies? 
 
 I pointed my finger at Ron as he blabbed on about tornadoes or something. 
 `` Listen to me, you silly sack of scrotes,'' I began, `` I wish you would slam your head into your stupid, shiny desk until you dented the desk *and* your forehead. I wish you would take that stupid pink tie and *BEG* someone to choke you with it. I WISH YOU WOULD ***KIN' DIE.'' 
 
 He did, too. He did everything I told him too, in order. I'd never seen anything like it, and neither had anyone in the studio. Most powers were n't this aggressive, or this powerful. After he'd finished hammering his face into the desk, he went up to Blondie. She choked him for about two seconds 
 
 *big smile on her face, too* 
 
 and he promptly died. 
 
 I immediately resolved to force resurrected Oprah to kill everyone in sight. My power would be used strictly for good.
