[ WP ] You are the guy who makes all those magical/cursed items that people are always stumbling across .

Dear Death Queen Gnashgara, 
 
 I write to you to tell you that there will be a slight delay in the next shipment of things to fill your Death Castle with. I know you needed two dozen Paintings of Creepy Staring, but I'm afraid a side project has distracted me, and I have only completed a half dozen. Rest assured, however, that there will be a few extra gifts in the next delivery to compensate, namely an array of butterknives you will find useful in your interrogation sessions. 
 
 I feel the need to elaborate. You see, after I finished crafting that Sword of Self-Decapitation last month, a few self-righteous adventurers thought it would be wise to try sneaking into my lair and killing a grand enchanter such as I. If I remember correctly, there was a lizard-man who fancied himself a wizard ( Ha! I've seen geckos cast fireballs more potent than his ), a gnome girl with a bird in tow ( I've heard of rangers bringing pets along, but a chicken? This is getting ridiculous ), a half-orc brute with a mace ( No complaints here. His odor was insulting enough for the both of us ), and a guy in clerical robes ( What a joke. Everyone knows holy robes were *so* last year ). 
 
 Needless to say, they were *hilariously* underwhelming. The gnome girl had apparently found my stash of Airrows. The poor thing! She was catapulted into the ceiling before she had time to say goodbye to her chicken. Speaking of, the chicken accidentally stumbled into my Cornucopia of Colossal Hunger, which is always full of the most nutritious corn kernels that cause the most voracious hostility ever experienced by a chicken. Naturally, the bird went after its most primal prey -- lizards. You would be proud, Gnashgara! The wizard lizard fell out of my castle window while being chased by a starving piece of poultry; a classic if I've ever seen one! 
 
 Then, only the cleric and the fighter were left. Suprisingly, these two made it all the way to my laboratory, where I happen to keep my latest projects. I had been working on that ring you asked for -- you know, the Rock Band? -- and had not quite finished concealing its appearance. However, the half-orc saw a spiky ring covered in pentagrams and runes and a label clearly reading `` Do Not Touch'' and decided that this would probably boost his strength or dexterity or whatnot. Needless to say, he head-banged his way right into a Pillar of Incineration and dissolved with a satisfying hiss. 
 
 As for the cleric, he was my favorite of the group. As clerics do, when he saw my face as I walked into my laboratory with a freshly made lavender pie, he began raving about my unholiness and how Sarenrae would be ashamed when he knocked directly into my Lumber Axe. `` Abhorrent! You fiend! Grotesque monster!'' Bam. In his place now stood a tree. Maple, I think. 
 
 So, I now have a new pet chicken ( I think I'll name him Splat, because that's the sound the ranger made ) and a freshly-carved broomstick, and I am currently in the process of reinforcing my fortress. Your Paintings of Creepy Staring and Butterknives of Horrible Tickling should be finished within a month's time, and will be shipped out soon after. 
 
 PS: Also, I'm sorry if this letter is stained, I'm eating lavender pie as I write. 
 
 *Hugs and kisses, Timotheus the Brooding* 
 
 *Third of July, Year of the Snake-Ram-Dragon-Thing*
