[ PI ] The Delicate Wasteland of the Brain - FEB CONTEST

I like the plot. I see someone else mentioned the ending as feeling forced, but I really liked the idea of it. Since you specifically asked for feedback, I'll be more blunt than I probably would otherwise. So, moving on to the stuff I was n't crazy about... 
 
 While I liked the bare bones of the plot, the story itself draped a little weird over them. I was frustrated for a good twenty pages just trying to figure out what was going on. 
 
 I feel like Hana's relationship with Mary should have been established much sooner. Early on, we see they have a physical relationship, but I do n't know why. They do n't seem to have a great relationship beyond physical attraction, I do n't know why Hana cares for Mary, I do n't know why I should care about Mary. I wish I'd found out *much* earlier that she was a dowdy little professor and Hana was her bodyguard. ( I did n't read the summary before going in. ) I wish I'd heard more about why and when they fell for each other. Speaking of which... 
 
 I realize the lack of dialogue was a stylistic choice, but I feel like the characters really suffered for it. Mary especially. Plus, regardless of it making sense later, I was completely tripped up by first few untagged lines of dialogue. *Also*, we're informed that Hana makes one-liners and witty quips but never read any. It did n't work for me, personally. 
 
 A few other little random things I got hung up on: 
 
 Lines like... 
 
 > Hana rolled her eyes as she clapped her rough beige hand around Mary ’ s smooth, pale forearm and hefted her back onto the bike. 
 
 Hana is the POV character. Mary is trapped in some sort of Groundhog Day loop with her. If my SO climbed onto a motorcycle behind me, I would n't be thinking of the texture and color of my hands. I would n't even be thinking about the color of his hands. I see my hands every day. I see him every day. 
 
 That sounds nitpicky when I type it out, but I hope it makes sense. It's one of those hiccups in the narrative voice that I do n't think enough writers pay attention to. 
 
 > With the sword, she had to actually see the wild eyes and the twisted grimaces hiding behind the bandanas as they rushed at her. 
 
 She can see all this or it's hidden or... 
 
 > She had never been close enough or had time to check before, but now that they were her men, Hana had discovered that there were no faces behind the bandanas. 
 
 I'm confused. 
 
 And I wo n't list specific lines, but the nouns you used instead of Mary's name or a pronoun, ( lover, partner, the blond, shipmate ) they got pretty numerous and tripped me up fairly regularly. `` The blond'' felt so impersonal that it actually took me right out of a climactic moment towards the end. 
 
 Off the top of my head, that's all the general crit I've got for one read-through. I really like the story. I just wish it had been a bit more coherent. With another draft or two it could easily be a story I would fall in love with.
