[ WP ] A man regrets volunteering to be the first human to travel to Mars

`` Mars will be great'' they said. `` You'll be known throughout human history'' they said. 
 
 Did n't mention the giant Martian badgers though, did they? No, no they did not. When I told everyone I was going to Mars I imagined it would be all playing with beakers, riding slow Mars rovers, taking samples ( whatever that entails ), and growing a beard. You know, boring sciency stuff that would make me look smart in photos. 
 
 `` But Franky, why would NASA send a pest and animal control expert to Mars?'' My friends would ask. I'd blow off their questions because fucking* NASA* wanted *me* - not my yacht owning, ex-fighter pilot now doctor arsehole of a best friend - me! Who cares about reasons! 
 
 NASA, those clever bastards, even let me think it was all my idea for me to go first. I was at my arsehole of a best friend's house for a party when I somehow ended up in a conversation with some of the NASA folk that were mutual friends of the arsehole of a host. 
 
 `` Gosh, it would be good to get an everyman's view of the planet'' Said a tall man who had the figure and hair cut you'd expect from a life in the military. 
 
 `` Yes, yes it would.'' Said his slightly shorter and equally muscled and crew-cut associate `` Someone like a pest and animal control person.'' 
 
 `` Oh?'' I said `` It just so happens that *I* am a pest and animal control person!'' 
 
 `` What a coincidence!'' The two said in unison. 
 
 I had not been interested in anything that the pair of muscular buzz-cuts had said up until this point - they were friend's of my arsehole best friend and so were arseholes by association - but now they had my interest. Me? On Mars? Fuck yeah! 
 
 They asked me a bunch of questions about whether I'd be willing to go, what I'm like in confined spaces, what I'm like with animals - like badgers, what about big animals, what about big badgers - it was an endless sea of questions. In between each one, asked by the tall fellow, the shorter one would chime in with a: `` Hypothetically, of course.'' 
 
 `` Look,'' I said in a drunken mumble `` Just put me on Mars, and I'll do what needs doin!'' 
 
 `` We might just do that.'' Said the tall one. 
 
 Next thing I know I'm giving them my contact details and getting their business cards in return, and then I was left to go about my business at the party. And that business, as always, was to consume all the free food and alcohol I could - which I did. 
 
 The next day I got picked up by a black SUV and was taken, hangover and all, to a local military base for some tests and to commence my training. 
 
 `` But what possible problems could you solve for them up there?'' My correctly suspicious loved ones would ask, even after I'd dramatically let it be known that I did n't care. 
 
 Turns out NASA had some huge problems for me to solve. 
 
 Huge and badgery problems. 
 
 Namely: huge badgers. 
 
 Now you would think that NASA would be happy to have found alien life, right? Wrong. Are you not paying attention? I am a man who is trained to relocate animals or, when not possible to do so, it so happens that I am also trained to humanely dispatch said creatures. 
 
 NASA discovers life on Mars. They send a man whose job it is is to move/end life. 
 
 Does that sound like NASA is happy with life being on Mars? Hmm? 
 
 Here's a hint: fuck you! 

