[ WP ] You are 18 years old , and you 're writing your autobiography for your entire life . Write only page 147 .

with every girl really, thinking back. If anyone asked I'd try and give the illusion of secrecy. I liked to hear who my friends thought I'd want, who they thought I'd be good with. I was in love with the idea of love. Every aspect, from watching rom-coms to try and find out what kind of guy girls like ( psst, it's the muscular, well-read, giant-dicked, english, rich kind ), to staring at the back of heads and sighing in such *longing*, anyone who heard would have undoubtedly called it anguish. I was lying, the whole time. In reality, I did n't *fancy* any one girl. 
 
 I fancied them all. 
 
 Every'OMG-fake-tanned-unnatural-blonde-if-American-would-be-cheerleader' type. Every artsy-narcissistic-Nietzsche-misinterpreting one. Every bubbly-manic-pixie-dream-girl-attempt who was actually a little too chubby for my over-picky-teenage disney-princess-wanting self, without fail, was subject to an instant and constant infatuation that would last a good half hour of english class. 
 
 And then a bad half year of conversation. And it was just the one conversation, most times. After barely two sentences of `` So school's boring, huh?'' level of small talk, I'd clamor up to my cubby hole of soulmate-ness to write god-awful poetry and overuse hyphens. And watch more rom-coms. Not that they'd help, ( I mean, Channing Tatum? Really? How muscular does any teenage girl think a teenage boy can be? ) turns out no amount of chemistry can beat being older than a girl. Goddamn college dropouts. Go after your own age you creepy thieves! 
 
 And the clash of internal voices, oh my *GOD* was that annoying. Any hopeful foray into fantasy would immediately be quelled by the respectful'Must be Prince Charming to get girls' voice which would then be drowned out by the growls of testosterone and complete *envy* of any and all guys who were already sharing tales of the mystical'Third base', whilst trying to appear disgusted just in case any girls were listening, all the while with an overarching *deafening* whisper; 
 `` You are ugly, you are vile, you are disgusting, you are stupid, you have no right to think of girls that way, you are a child, they see you as a child, and you shall die a well-deserved, kiss-less virgin.'' 
 
 I guess 15 *was* kinda difficult. 
 
 
 147
