[ PI ] The Ghosts of Decisions Past - MarContest - 11,531

Just finished you're story and I got ta say it was a ride. I really enjoyed watching the unlikely friendship form then fall apart. Also the differing ideologies between Ben and Pat were very clear and well done. In the final act of the story you really hit your stride writing wise, the situation felt genuinely confusing and desperate for Harry. The refugee camp felt almost like a purgatory with everyone waiting and slowly dying, I liked that. Pat as we was introduced was also provocative like he was a little devil, good foreshadowing. 
 
 The story covered a lot of ground very quickly and I felt as though you needed to spend more time with Harry as he was growing up. You had a lot of room to expand the story and I felt as though a couple things needed to be explained better. Several events seemed to happen without any real explanation like the teacher killing herself, Ben appearing in the climax, a sense of place, and the procession into the city. I went back and reread a couple times in case I missed something. These things can be addressed if you continue to expand this story. 
 
 Anyway I really hope you continue working with this, it's a truly compelling story.
