[ WP ] He sees you when you 're sleeping . He knows when you 're awake . And Santa , low on funds to pay his elves , has begun selling his surveillance data to the NSA .

Unfortunately, Santa's legal shortcuts put him in a special housing unit in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. His reindeer euthanized due to his reckless espionage spree. At first, Santa's impoverished bank account led him to pursue innocent, everyday, run-of-the-mill cyber crimes, which he used for personal advantage but not personal wealth, nor padding his personal bank account. The fact was Santa needed money, largely due to an apocryphal story, the one about cookies, which led everyone in the world to paid for his home delivery service in cookies, most not even home-made. Cookies paid the bills in the 1950s, but not anymore. 
 
 Santa was lulled into all of this by the lax security procedures at the NSA and soon found that using the vast database was one way to ameliorate his problems. Of course the North Poles databases were shut down years ago, largely because it held a lot of intrusive information about children under twelve, and not wanting to be pegged as a child molester, Santa had to destroy the system, which let's be honest also had a lot of bestiality videos. Santa is a niche fetishist, a man who gets his rocks off watching elderly women giving JOI to reindeer. Damnit, we do n't have time for that. 
 
 But let's be clear, that's not what this is about. We know what Santa did. At first harmless data collection, sure a violation of the 1919 Espionage Act, which amounted to a life sentence, but that is child's play compared to the real crime: Santa's cyber espionage in the 2016 election. His job at the NSA under the under radar disguise of Chris Kringle, 34 from Galesburg, Ill., drew suspicion from the agency for obvious reasons, like the flowing white hair, that ho-ho-ho accent you can only find in regions of the North Pole, plus Santa often reminisced with some lucidly on antebellum America, plus his shell company, had been artless failing to hide the direct transfers coming from Moscow. 
 
 Okay, I should probably say at this point, I am Santa's most loyal elf, Darrel, but Santa calls me D-Money. I have managed to smuggle inside my cell a cellphone, the battery draining. But two things, there will be no Christmas this season, and whatever he did, Santa, okay, providing the passwords of DNC officials and personal aids to Hillary Clinton to higher ups in Moscow, which in turn, left us with Donald Trump. But this is Santa's first real fuck up, and well we all share blame; I mean why the hell were we paying a man in cookies, even in the North Pole with inflation and the global economy as it is Santa ca n't get by on what amount to soft, rolled up mound of sugar filled with other forms of sugar. I'm got to be quick I heard the door up ahead lock in place. Just know that this: this Christmas, there will be know Christmas. And before they captured me and sent me to a black site two possibility will likely greet you on December 25th: Christmas will be turn over to for-profit corporations, and will no longer be a merit based system where decency and moral probity produce gifts but whether you have the money to afford Christmas insurance, which is the least regulated form of insurance. If that happens, the gifts, the best ones will go to the ultra-rich, the kind of people that already roam lawless in the world of finance capital, and the poor kids well they will get nothing, nada, nil because that is not how capitalism works. However, word on the street is they may just kill the Easter Bunny and get into the egg insurance market. No, the absence of Santa's sinuous ass down our decorative chimneys, will be a pretext for the Trump administration to enact its most outrageous policy proscription, rounding up Muslims, senseless murdering Mexicans, and launching a nuclear attack on China.
