[ WP ] `` Death , I 'm a little busy right now ! ''

`` Allen Jefferson, 42, of Houston Texas, your time is up...'' 
 
 `` Oh.....can this wait? I'm a little busy right now. I'm right in the middle of planning something big.'' 
 
 `` I'm sorry but according to your profile your supposed to die of....lets see here....electrocution? Have n't seen one of these in a while.'' 
 
 `` I'm supposed to right now? That does n't sound right....'' 
 
 `` Well, these lists do n't have times of death on them. So it's hard to tell when exactly. The higher ups just send them out and before I come back to the office for my next set of orders it's supposed to be done.'' 
 
 `` So how do you know if your coming right as people on your list die?'' 
 
 `` We generally just have good senses about this stuff. Most of it is guess work. But technically no one can die until we take them. It's a pretty weird quark but everyone is technically immortal. We just tend to come at inopportune times to make it look like you guys are mortal without us. Those weird stories you hear about people surviving crazy situations? That's probably because whoever was assigned to that region was not paying attention or called in sick or was on vacation or whatever. Like with that Rasputin guy? Took us forever to figure out-'' 
 
 `` Dude I do n't care, all I know is you have no idea if I'm supposed to die right now, so I say you can go fuck off back to hell and get it right with your manager before bothering me.'' 
 
 `` Oh, well sir for one there is no need for that kinda language. I'm just doing my job. And two, it's not Hell its technically Hades. Turns out the Ancient Greeks were right about the after life. Kinda a shame that-'' 
 
 `` Great I got the fucking nerd reaper. Look, like you said I'm technically immortal so just shove that list up your ass and do n't come back until you have proof that I'm supposed to die right now. I have a big day ahead of me tomorrow and do n't want it to go poorly.'' 
 
 `` Sir it does n't work that way, so if you would just please come with me it would make my job a lot easier.'' 
 
 `` Oh I see how it works....here's 100 bucks. Now would you kindly fuck off?'' 
 
 `` Well I do need to buy the Mrs. an anniversary present... alright how bout this? I'll move you to the very bottom of this list and that should give you plenty of time to do your work. I have a long list of other people to get to.'' 
 
 `` Thank you. *mutters*Jesus fuckin' Christ'' 
 
 `` Oh, he's not real. Zeus is actually-'' 
 
 `` Get the fuck out dude!'' 
 
 
... 
 
 
 `` Elvis Presly, 86, of Memphis, your time is up...'' 
 
 `` Oh come on man just one more month I swear'' 
 
 `` Elvis I've been covering for you for long enough. It was you time ages ago.'' 
 
 `` Oh come on man I just got used to the peace and quiet. Let me have this Mr. Death.'' 
 
 `` You can just call me Taylor, Mr. Death is what my father went by and it's just weird to be called that. But the list says I need a huge celebrity death and you've been on borrowed time for a while now.'' 
 
 `` Oh well if that's all it says, then I can help you with that. Word in the street is there is a negro out there with a heart problem, goes by the name of Prince and dances like a fag, people love him, would be huge news.'' 
 
 `` Ok, it's not the 50's anymore you ca n't just call people stuff like that anymore. Get with the times dude. But I'll do it, only because we go way back. You owe me one though, again.'' 
 
 `` Uh, Thank you. Thank you very much...'' 
 
 
... 
 
 
 `` Kaylee Smith, 17, of Chi-OW! FUCK! STOP HITTING ME!'' 
 
 `` GET OUT OF THE WOMEN'S LOCKER ROOM YOU PERVERT!'' 
 
 `` IM-OW-NOT A PERVERT ITS MY-AHH FUCK-JOB! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SLIP IN THE SHOWERS AND BREAK YOUR NECK!'' 
 
 `` HELP! SOMEBODY! RAPE!'' 
 
 `` OW! STOP SHOUTING THAT!'' 
 
 `` THERE'S A RAPIST IN HERE! SOMEBODY HELP!'' 
 
 `` FINE I'LL COME BACK LATER'' 
 
 
... 
 
 
 `` Maria Torres, 72, of San Deigo, your time is up...'' 
 
 `` ¿Que?'' 
 
 `` Shit... do you speak English?'' 
 
 `` ¿Que?'' 
 
 `` Fuck... no speak español. You hablo English?'' 
 
 `` ¿Que?'' 
 
 `` Ah fuck it.'' 
 
 *Plop* 
 
 `` That one was easy'' 
 
 
... 
 
 
 `` Butthole Jones, 27, of N-wait, that's you're actual name?'' 
 
 `` Unfortunately.'' 
 
 `` But why would you're parents name you that? Were they doing a bit or something? Like that's just cruel to name your child that.'' 
 
 `` I do n't know. My dad was an asshole and my mom was a cunt.'' 
 
 `` Oh, Asshole and Cunt Jones! I remember that case! Elderly, Carbon Monoxide poising, very peaceful, no fuss.'' 
 
 `` That'd be them. So, what are you doing here?'' 
 
 `` Oh....right. I'm Death. You're supposed to die.'' 
 
 `` Now? Aw come on man I just mustered up enough money to get my name legally changed. The paperwork is being finalized tomorrow.'' 
 
 `` Well now I feel bad about doing this. Like, you should have at least one day with a normal name. Lets see here... it says your supposed to die of diabetes. We can work with that, it's preventable. So how about this, you you cut down on those sweets and start hitting the gym, and I'll push your case into arbitration. That should buy you some time as you work on your health. If you get healthier you wo n't show up on our system anytime soon. Sound fair? 
 
 `` Yes, thank you man, I owe you with my life.'' 
 
 `` Haha, clever, I knew I made the right choice.'' 
 
 
... 
 
 
 `` Usain Bolt, -hey! Hey slow down! Dude I just! Stop running!'' 
 
 *panting out of breath* 
 
 `` It's cool, I'll just catch up with you later!'' 
 
 
... 
 
 
 `` Allen Jefferson, 44, of Houston, your time has come...'' 
 
 `` FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DEATH PLEASE TAKE ME NOW!'' 
 
 `` Oh hey, you're the guy from earlier on the list! Long time no see. How's it been buddy?'' 
 
 `` MAKE IT STOP!'' 
 
 `` Huh, you know it's been a long time since I've seen someone get the electric chair. Let me check you dossier to see what you did to get this.....oh, serial killer? Was that the big thing you were planning last time we talked? This makes much more sense now. Well you know what they say, do n't do the crime if you ca n't do the time.'' 
 
 `` I JUST WANT TO DIE!'' 
 
 `` You know looking closer at your profile, I think you were right. This is when your supposed to die of electrocution. Silly me must've misread it. I think I need new glasses. Hey have you heard anything about Warby Parker? I heard they're pretty good place to get glasses. Cheap too.'' 
 
 `` PLEASE! END IT!'' 
 
 *Pulls out phone to browse Warby Parker's website* 
 
 `` Oh... can this wait? I'm a little busy right now...''
