[ WP ] The Grim Reaper is in love with you and keeps taking people around you so he can see you again .

Many will tell you that death is natural, and that everyone is vulnerable to disaster. While vulnerability to death is a certainty, it's anything but random. I should know; I've met death face to face, desperately trying to get away as `` he'' tried to give me a fucking smooch on the lips. `` He'' is the Grim Reaper, god of death, keeper of souls, and horny as hell. 
 
 When the old folks home had a heart attack incident a few weeks ago, I did n't think much of it. But it was the aftermath that really made me uncomfortable. The reaper took it upon himself to rise up from the underworld and take the old woman's soul, all while casually strolling down my neighborhood, making sure to go as slow as possible past my house as if he had just run in fucking cross country just to defeat his crippling depression. When I looked out the window, he stared at me as seductively as a creature without eyeballs possibly could while air-humping and holding out his bony hand, revealing a small post-it note with his number. 
 
 A few weeks past, and I still had n't called him back ( though I did contemplate it once or twice. ) This was a pretty huge mistake on my part, and my poor cat Sammy had to be the victim. Sammy died face down in his bowl on a Tuesday afternoon, and in mere seconds, the reaper reappeared in my kitchen. He stared at me for a few seconds, putting his slender arms bones and joints behind his head, as if to contemplate what to say next. Finally, he got up the nerve to make a poetic jesture. He said, `` You know, I've never had any complaints about my bones. Specifically the one, that, is, uh, called my penis. You know?'' Obviously this `` guy'' knew what he was doing; any fool could see he took extensive training in `` Poetry for Horny Middle Schoolers.'' After I thought about his `` offer'' for a few more awkward seconds, I turned to him and said, `` I'd rather fucking die, creep.'' His face did n't change, ( no face muscles ) but he did look wildly taken aback by my response. He thought about it for a second, and retorted in a slow, arid voice, `` I could make that happen.'' 

