[ WP ] God answers all of your prayers , and only your prayers . God is also kind of a dick with a matching sense of humor .

The day Bill Hays trapped me inside my locker after school and left me there shivering like a wet kitten all night long -- they turned the heat off at night, of course, what with the recession and all -- I interspersed some prayers with my sobbing, and I guess the Lord must have thought I was the pitifulest thing he'd ever seen, because the next morning when somebody heard me banging on the door and they had the janitor let me out, the first thing I heard was that Billy was missing. 
 
 Of course I did n't connect those two dots at first -- my prayers had n't gotten specific, I'd just asked for Billy to get what he deserved -- but I began to have an inkling the next week, when I prayed for Grandma to get better and soon enough she'd kicked the cancer and scampered off to New Orleans. Course this left my grandfather in an irreparable state of despair, so I had to pray for him to find a new source of happiness, and that Friday he won the lottery. He bought himself a yacht and a busty young wife and sailed off for parts unknown -- we never saw him again, although we did n't hold it against him. What kind of family would have? It was enough just to know he was happy. 
 
 Having discerned by this point that the Big Man and I were on speaking terms, I set about trying to fix the world as best as I knew how. I prayed for all the poor folks in Africa who did n't have enough food, and then a couple months later I saw news that giant mutated bunny rabbits were cropping up left and right over there, eating up everybody's back yard and multiplying much faster than you could shoot em. 
 
 Then things started getting dicey. I prayed that the Israelis and Palestinians would get along better and before you knew it somebody'd set off a couple hydrogen bombs and blown the whole region to smithereens. Sure the Israelis and Palestinians did n't get on each other's cases all the time any more, but that was cause there were probably only fifty folks left on either side, and those fifty were too busy dying of radiation sickness to squabble over a few miles of holy ground. 
 
 Well I looked up the former population of Israel and Palestine and I reckoned I'd become one of the world's greatest mass murderers overnight, which as you can imagine made me feel sorta glum. I resolved to be much more careful and specific with my prayers, so as to avoid any more accidents. 
 
 ***** 
 
 *Believe I'll continue this'n tomorrow, but for now it's bedtime: C* 
 

