[ WP ] A guy finds the perfect avocado

Austin was far from an expert chef and had never prepared a single Mexican dish his life, and yet he still told that chick he met at the park the other day that he could make some mean tacos and guacamole. This small lie had convinced her to pay him a visit tomorrow night for dinner, so now here he was at the grocery store, with the highest rated guacamole recipe he could find online, searching for ingredients. 
 
 “ Check, check… oh I ’ m an idiot! I almost forgot the avocado! ” 
 
 He made his way to the produce section, and slowly walked up and down the aisles reading the names displayed above each pile of fruit and vegetables because he was clueless as to what an avocado looked like before it was cut open. When he finally came upon them, he sighed and said, “ Now how do I know which one is a good one? ” 
 
 Suddenly, his eyes were sucked in by the vacuum of transcendence created by perhaps the single most satisfyingly shaped object ( other than various part of the female anatomy ) that he had seen in his life. He reached for it, lifted it up to his face and whispered, “ It ’ s the perfect avocado. ” 
 
 The produce section went silent, and he could feel his words reverberating off the walls. He looked to his right and saw a rather attractive young woman staring in his direction. He smiled and awkwardly brought the avocado down from his face. She gave him a flirty wave and moved on. 
 
 “ OK. That should be everything, ” he said as he turned around and smashed his face into the chin of a tall older man standing directly behind him. 
 
 “ Ahh! Excuse me. Do you want something? ” he asked the man. 
 
 “ That rather luscious avocado you just careless dropped into your basket. I ’ ll give you all the money I have in my wallet for it! ” 
 
 “ How much do you have? ” 
 
 “ Nine dollars. ” 
 
 “ No, I ’ m sorry. I ’ ve got a date tomorrow, and I want it to be perfect. ” 
 
 The man scrunched up his eyes into thin, horizontal slivers and lifted his hand so that his index finger and middle finger were pointing directly into Austin ’ s eyes. With his fingers still judging, he backed away proclaiming, “ You are not worthy of that which you possess. ” 
 
 Although at first startled, a pride began to swell up within Austin. He started towards check out and patted his Avocado saying, “ Thanks to you, I just might be able to pull this off. ” 
 
 While the cashier was ringing him up, the pretty woman from the produce section queued up behind him. He felt his heart race just a little bit, but decided he already had one cool girl he was meeting tomorrow, and this one here was probably out of his league anyway. Abruptly, his thoughts were broken by the heavenly sight of the avocado as the cashier pulled it out of his basket, but rather than scanning it, she stuck it underneath the counter. 
 
 “ Hey, what are you doing? ” 
 
 “ It ’ s not yours until it ’ s bagged. It ’ s mine now. ” 
 
 “ What? You can ’ t do that! ” 
 
 “ This is my turf! I can do what I want! ” 
 
 “ Your… turf? ” was all he could muster up to say in his confusion. 
 
 “ Give that back to him or I ’ ll talk to your manager. Everything in this store is for purchase. You can ’ t take it away from a customer just because you want it, ” demanded the pretty girl. 
 
 “ Bitch, ” the cashier mumbled under her breath as she pulled out the avocado and rang it up. 
 
 After he paid, Austin headed outside and waited for the helpful, attractive woman to thank her. He began thinking maybe he did have a shot with her, and it wasn ’ t like he was committed to the Mexican food loving chick yet anyway. The supermarket doors opened, but before he could say anything, she laughingly remarked, “ Well, that was strange. ” 
 
 He chuckled and said, “ I know, right? I was a little speechless. Thanks for handling it for me. ” 
 
 “ Don ’ t mention it. Where ’ s your car? ” 
 
 “ Right over there. ” 
 
 “ I ’ ll walk you to it. ” 
 
 “ How about I walk you to your car? It ’ s the least I could do. ” 
 
 “ No thanks. I ’ m actually about to head back to work. It ’ s not far from here. Let me help you with one of those bags. You ’ ve got more than me. ” 
 
 He declined, but she snatched one out of his hands anyway. They began walking to his car, and he said, “ Since I can ’ t even walk you to your car, how about I take you out to dinner sometime to thank you for your help today? ” 
 
 “ I ’ d like that. Let me give you my number. ” 
 
 He punched in the number on his cellphone and asked, “ …and what ’ s your name? ” 
 
 “ Call me later, and I ’ ll tell you, ” she said as she winked and began walking away. His heart fluttered and he started getting into his car, when he realized she still had his bag. 
 
 “ Hey! Excuse me! You ’ ve got my groceries! ” 
 
 She didn ’ t seem to notice him and kept going. He yelled a few more times, but she still gave no response. Then he realized that it was the bag that the cashier had placed the avocado into. 
 
 “ It ’ s not in there! ” he shouted. 
 
 She stopped and looked in the bag. Then she spun around with a look so angry it wiped all of the beauty from her face. 
 
 “ Looking for this? ” he asked as he pulled the avocado out of his coat pocket. 
 
 She let out a bizarre, little giggle and began spinning his bag of groceries like it were a sling ready to fire a stone. 
 
 “ Hey! Don ’ t do that! ” 
 
 She released the bag, and it went flying towards him. He jumped to the side, and it just barely missed his head, smashing through a window of the van behind him. 
 
 “ Jesus Christ, ” he squealed. 
 
 Then she let out a horrid scream, and began charging at him, not running upright like a human, but on all fours like a mother bear ready to ravage the perceived threat to her cub. He immediately flung his card door open, hopped in, and slammed it shut. The girl, who just a moment ago sent his heart aflutter, now caused it to pound with intense fear. He fumbled as he stuck the key into the ignition and was just about turn it, when she leapt over his car and landed in front of it, standing upright and facing him. He froze and took a deep gulp. She raised her hands into the air and slammed them down on to the hood. Her fingers penetrated the metal and she twisted her arms, ripping the hood straight off of the car and flinging it behind her. He watched as it soared through the air and smacked into the tops of some trees at the edge of the parking lot. With hair in her face and her mouth hanging open, she slowly lifted her right hand into the air, in what he assumed would be a fatal blow to his car engine, and he immediately lifted the avocado above his head and shouted, “ Wait! ” 
 
 He rolled down the driver ’ s side window, and she casually dropped her hand and walked over to him. She stuck her hand out and he placed the avocado into her palm, but for some reason when she tried to pull it away, he couldn ’ t bring himself to let go. Instantly, she hissed and launched her other hand at his throat. He promptly let go, and gurgled an apology. She released his neck and smiled. As she skipped away, she said, “ Don ’ t forget you owe me dinner. ” 
 
 “ God help me, ” he desperately muttered as he sank into his seat.
