[ WP ] You find a strange metal box in your backyard , attached to a parachute . Printed on it 's surface is a phone number , as well as instructions : `` THIS CONTAINER IS THE PROPERTY OF THE U.S. GOVERNMENT . IF YOU RECOVER IT , CALL THIS NUMBER IMMEDIATELLY . DO NOT ATTEMPT TO OPEN ''

“ “ Eh, fuck it, ” I say taking the strange metal box inside my work shed. 
 
 It was surprisingly light for something that just fell out of the sky, creating a pretty large crater in the land outside my dad ’ s property. The metal was a dull, matte black and warm, like something in the center was keeping it that way. 
 
 I ’ m poor, living in my dad ’ s basement, out in the middle of bumfucknowhere. Most of my friends moved to Japan for anime waifu or Canada for health insurance and I was left behind. 
 
 So with nothing to do on a Friday night, I decided to see what was inside this thing. Landed practically at my feet, might as well, right? 
 
 Who knows, maybe I ’ d find some super-secret conspiracy shit relating to Roswell or 9/11 or Harambe. 
 
 I am a tiny world wooden ring sculptor by trade and my shed has a spectacular bevy of tools. 
 
 I started with the handsaw, but it didn ’ t make a dent and let off this high pitched screaming sound that was annoying as hell. 
 
 I switched to the drill, but again, it didn ’ t make a dent and the metal on metal sound was too much for me. 
 
 The axe was next. Then the hammer, the blowtorch, the power saw, and finally throwing it against the concrete floor in while crying in frustration. This thing was impenetrable. 
 
 I slid down the side of the shed, shivering with exhaustion and anger. 
 
 “ Why won ’ t you open? Just fucking open! ” I screamed at it. 
 
 It was lying there, on the other side of the shed, all pathetic. 
 
 After a while I crawled over to it, picked it up, and propped it on my knees while I sat against the wall. 
 
 I stroked the metal like a lover would their loved one or a pupper owner would their pupper or a foodie would their camera or a Trump would their Putin and whispered, “ Please open for me. ” 
 
 Suddenly, one of the sides slid off, letting out a greenish gaseous substance that smelled slightly of Taco Bell farts. 
 
 And I heard this strange, deep voice coming from inside the box. Must ’ ve been Swahili or something. Anyway, I instantly fainted and woke up here. Why? ” 
 
 The man dressed in all black was rubbing his face and when he spoke his voice was a tad muffled. “ You dumb fuck, that box was an ancient beacon discovered in Arizona. We were trying to launch it into space before they found their way back. Through your idiotic actions, you just incited an intergalactic war. ” 
 
 “ Hey, so Roswell really happened! ” 
 
 “ Dear fuck! Roswell is in New Mexico! ” 
 
 “ Oh. ” 
 
 “ We. Are. Fucked. ” 

