[ WP ] Heaven is has a finite space . You 've died and were a good person but there is no room in Heaven for you .

Jeremy Kauffmann had, by and large, lived a good life. He had been a good father, or at least, he had stayed out of the way. He was always punctual, valuing others' time as much as his own, which is really a divine quality in a small businessman. He also made it to church most Sundays, certainly enough times to build up a nest egg in the collection bin that most folks would n't shake a stick at, assuming those folks were cautious with sticks. 
 
 So, when he collapsed into his oatmeal one day, the veins bursting through his head, Jeremy Kauffmann figured he was a shoe-in for Heaven. 
 
 When he arrived at the pearly gates, he was greeted by St. Peter, who seemed very busy scribbling notes but still took the time to offer a wink and a smile. `` Ah, Jeremy Kauffman! We've been expecting you!'' 
 
 Jeremy smiled and gave a small wave, which made him feel humble, even though he was wholly unsurprised that St. Peter knew him by name. After all, Jeremy supervised several accountants at Kauffmann and Kauffman, LLP. 
 
 `` Good morning, St. Peter.'' 
 
 `` Oh good heavens, it's not morning here. Time works very oddly in Heaven, you see. Although rather unfortunately, your timing is n't really the best.'' 
 
 `` What do you mean?'' 
 
 Peter frantically rearranged some parchment. `` Well, I'm afraid Heaven is at capacity.'' 
 
 `` Capacity?'' Jeremy was confused, but he did n't want to offend Peter outright.'' 
 
 `` Well, you see, we only have so much space up here. It would n't be a paradise if you had to wait too long at the cafeteria, you know.'' 
 
 Jeremy's eyes moved past Peter, and he squinted to see the glow between the big golden bars on the gates of heaven's beautiful wall. `` Of course, it may look like there's room,'' Peter interjected, as though hearing Jeremy's thoughts. `` But there is n't. You see, we have to hold spots for the people who are coming in soon.'' 
 
 `` Whose coming in?'' 
 
 Peter glanced down at the parchment and flicked the edge with his thumb. `` Well, the Pope is certainly getting up there. Two Popes, actually, the one fellow is n't dead yet. So, we have to hold plenty of space for them. Denzel Washington, he'll die pretty soon, between you and me, he's a revolutionary performer, but he has a weakness for cheeseburgers. So, he needs lots of space, because the Father really wants to discuss'The Manchurian Candidate' with him.'' 
 
 Jeremy was trying not to look bitter, but he felt `` The Manchurian Candidate'' was a mediocre film. Certainly no better than `` The Taking of Pelham 123''. 
 
 `` Then there's going to be a few more mass shootings, we have to send those folks in, just to make amends since most of shooters believe in, well, I do n't think I have to tell you that part. It's a little silly, but of course, you know how politics work. And of course, Betty White, got to save a place for her. So, I'm afraid you'll have to go on the waiting list.'' 
 
 `` How long will I have to be on the list?'' 
 
 Peter smiled. `` The current estimated wait is 372,151 years.'' 
 
 `` What!?'' 
 
 `` I know, what a deal! What's 372,151 years compared to eternal paradise?'' 
 
 Jeremy sighed. `` So is the waiting list my only option?'' 
 
 `` Well, if you're really itching to start the afterlife, you can try Hell. It's just down the street, although by the time you get there and get your name on the list, you may wish you had just stayed on this one. Time works very oddly in Heaven.'' 
 
 Jeremy Kauffmann knew he deserved to be in Heaven, but he also deserved to be valued. `` If Heaven does n't care about me more than Betty White, maybe Hell will!'' he declared. 
 
 `` Oh, I'm sure they will! They usually give a damn.'' 
 
 So Jeremy Kauffmann marched off to Hell, and was disappointed to find that he still needed to clear a waitlist ( as Lucifer calmly explained, there were an awful lot of mass shootings coming up, and the shooters usually did n't survive those ). However, since the waitlist was only 527 years, he decided to stick it out. As he sat in the waiting room, he could n't help but feel like a lot of people were headed down the street into Heaven with beaming smiles. He wondered if the wait would have been worth it. Still, the 527 years in Hell's waiting room seemed to take forever, so he was happy to stick it out, even though he heard whispers from the other pending souls that the cafeteria was far too crowded, and that time in Heaven went oddly quick.
