[ WP ] One day your guardian angel appears and tells you about all the kick-ass protection you 've been getting .

`` W-who are you?'' 
 
 I splutter, scrambling to turn off the light. It's not usually this bright, even at 3:30am. Plus, I'm around 95 % sure I turned it off before I passed out. 
 
 *'' Who am I? You're asking me who the fuck I am? You serious right now Tim? `` * 
 
 Okay, so she's sassy. Wait, she? *Wait*. Tim? It seems sassy knows my name. Oddly enough, I do n't recognize her voice. Nor do I recognize her silhouette, which I assume is what's burning the inside of my eyelids. 
 
 `` Yeah, I'm serious! Who the fuck are you, because you're in my house and you sure as hell are n't on the lease. Also, before you answer, turn the light off!'' 
 
 *'' Oh shit, sorry Timmy, forgot to use the dimmer switch. I'll dial it down a notch. `` * 
 
 As the light went from searing to soothing I reflected upon the fact that I do n't have a dimmer switch. 
 
 *'' That better, bromigo? `` * 
 
 `` Yeah, a litt-... whoa.'' 
 
 Standing before me was a young woman. Well, I say standing. More floating than standing. Hovering? 
 
 `` Are those wings? And, are you glowing?'' 
 
 *'' Yeah boy, how d'you like'em? Pretty sweet, huh. Got you out of a pickle or two using these badboys. Oh, and yeah, I'm'glowing'. More like dazzling your ass! Timmy you look starstruck! `` * 
 
 `` WHO. OR. WHAT. THE. FUCK. ARE. YOU?!'' 
 
 *'' Daaaamn Timmy, cool your jets turbo. Do n't you recognize me? I'm your angel, baby! Guardian angel, fairy godmother, lampless-genie-who-don't-grant-wishes; you know the drill. `` * 
 
... Huh. I do n't really know how to reply to that one. I mean, she *is* a glowy, floaty lady who knows my name. And my address. Do n't know to many other people who fit that description. 
 
 `` Hang on. Let's say I believe you, and this is n't a hallucination or a rather interesting dream. My life is *shiiiiit*! Are n't guardian angels meant to, you know, guard?'' 
 
 Sassy took offense to that one. 
 
 `` *Hey! I've saved your dumb ass plenty of times! Remember highschool, Sandra Pearson? I made her dump you! Not to mention that time where you fell off your motorcycle. Who'd you think pushed you off? *'' 
 
 `` THAT'S LITERALLY THE OPPOSITE OF GUARDING! Sandra was beautiful! I fucking loved that girl, why the fuck would you make her dump me! And that motorbike accident? I broke my ass! MY *ASS*. Trying to shit through an ass cast is not fun, let me tell you. You're saying *you're* responsible?!'' 
 
 *'' Damn straight I am, and I've done plenty more as well. You just do n't how good your life's about to get, Timmy, that's why I'm here! You wan na know what Sandra is up to now? She's a crack-whore! Yup, a bonified, crack smokin' dick chokin' crack-whore. Did you wan na be married to her? I think not, buddy, I mean that's a decent bullet to dodge right there. And the ass breakage? For your own good!'* 
 
 `` How on earth is cracking my crack *good*? Pray, tell! Enlighten me, Sassy.'' 
 
 *'' Ooooh, Sassy! A nickname! I like it. Anyway, if I did n't push you off your bike you would have run straight into the semi barreling through the stop sign. What do you prefer, broken butt or just plain broken? I saved your ass... Well, uh, not literally. But kinda? `` * 
 
 ``... okay, when you put it like that, I can deal with a fractured tailbone. But I do n't see how that's going to make my life better. At best, you've chosen the lesser of two evils, and my life is still relatively shitty. But thanks, I guess, for not leaving me a dead crack-husband?'' 
 
 *'' Your life is gon na be swell, trust me Timbo. Gaurdian god-genie, remember? `` * 
 
 **Will write more if there's interest, it was taking me too long to write**
