[ WP ] You are a schizophrenic maddeningly in love with the man/woman of your dreams . But you 're becoming increasingly unsure if she 's real , or just another hallucination .

It's not that I ca n't still feel her skin that I'm sad. The smell of her hair as it danced across my face. It's not that loss that weighs my heart down. The reason I'm writing this, my hands shaking ever so little as I do, is somewhat more dark than just the loss of a love. 
 
 I first saw her in 1989 at Kent. I was deep into the struggle of finishing my graduate degree in bio chemistry. My apologies if I have told you all this before. My thoughts, they are not always my own and I often lose track. The stress was fantastic and with my `` condition'' as Janice called it, I was being careful to try to take my meds. Try to stay healthy. I was not careful enough sadly. I was missing pills, getting off routine. Even though, I'd say I was hanging on tightly. Perhaps too tightly. Maybe that's why I'm here now, in this empty place. 
 
 I'm not sure why I had n't noticed her before. She just appeared one day, sitting in the lecture hall. I remember that moment so well. Yes, that I remember with crystal clarity. Just a glimpse is all. A reflection in the top of the laminate table. A fleeting glance for a few seconds and then she was gone. 
 
 We went on like this for days, weeks. I would see her, never directly, just a reflection or a glimpse. Just pieces of a puzzle. She would pop up, almost like she knew I needed her. Right when the pressure mounted to be too much. Right when I felt I was losing control from the stress of trying to earn a degree it was becoming increasingly clear I barely had the talents for. The idea of her was the comfort. That she existed. This pure beautiful thing in my world. 
 
 From there I saw her more. Then we spoke. We whispered and only we could hear. Then, as youth does, we fell into each other. Love. Please read this carefully because I am not a fool. My mind is not always my own but I am no fool. Whatever you have heard of me, whatever you think you know you must know this: I was truly in love with her. It's a sense of completion you will know if you've ever had the privilege of feeling it. So full. 
 
 After graduation we lost each other. Just grew apart. Terrible distance. It never felt final though. Au revior not goodbye, as the movies say. Sure enough we would be together again many times over the years. Miraculously she would come to me when I needed her most. When I was n't taking care of myself as I need to. When my marriage fell apart. When my dear sister Janice fought and lost to cancer. She would come. Fill me up. Give me strength and we would fall in love again. Again and again, so many times over the years we fell in love. 
 
 She's gone for good now though. I know it has to be. Now I take my pills when I should. Stick to my routine. I keep myself healthy. No stress. No pressures. I do n't need her anymore. I know she was bad for me. It ca n't be. I will tell you this though with all honesty; she was as real as any person I have ever met. I'm not a fool. I know she was n't real. I know that the woman I drowned was just in my head. My `` condition'' made her be. I know this and I take comfort in it. No matter what the lawyers say, I am no murderer. I just took away what my mind created. I ended a dream. She was only real because I let her be and I took away her power over me. I stopped my dream, a dream I made. I know that no matter what anyone says, I am not a monster. I could never take a life. I just woke myself from a dream.
