[ WP ] You run a survival TV show that 's all staged for the ratings . You get tasked by a different network to survive in the deadliest region on the planet alongside 4 other survival elites . You think you 'll be fine since these people are the best of the best , only to find they 're all fakes too

Part 1 because word count. 
 
 ***The Guppy Desert: Day 1. At the campsite, Early Dawn. *** 
 
 **Man in Suit**: `` Greetings everyone, I apologize for the late introduction but we shall be awarding you handsomely if you succeed in this endeavor. Due to cooperation between various networks such as Dox, ESP-N, Newt Gingrich Channel, etc. We've assembled the best survival experts on the planet to take on the harshest environment known to man, the Guppy Desert. Based on expert testimony from survival experts and their opinion of your survival skills, harshness of the environment, you will only have to survive for one week before we send in rescue crews. Now the current record for a survival team is only 3 days but we believe you can do it. We are currently unloading all the gear and equipment you've requested at this moment, so please take this time to get to activate your GoBros and get know each other.'' 
 
 
 **Mayor**: `` Hey guys, how's it going? Mayor Grills here from Wild vs Man & Running Mild.'' 
 
 **Mes**: `` Hey Mayor, I'm Mes Trout of Survivordude here, big fan of your work. Love your last episode in the Nartic.'' 
 
 **Pay**: `` Pay Diesel here, I'm not as famous as you guys but I featured in NGC's Doomsday Peppers.'' 
 
 **Me**: ( Okay. Be cool. I can just follow their lead and we should be alright. Most of my episodes center around other regions of the planet so I could just claim my skills are rusty. ) 
 
 **Mayor**: `` Yeah, still ca n't believe I was the first person to catch the mythical Carnivorous Arrakis Ice Worms on camera. But how about that Pigbearman you fought against, Nes? That was amazing.'' 
 
 **Nes**: `` Ah that was nothing much. Wait, is that Dave? Dave Candyberry? 
 
 **Me**: `` Yep, Dave Candyberry here. I guess you've seen my shows, huh? 
 
 **Nes**: `` Yeah, Mule survival, Dirty Cotten Survival, I've even read your books, Mushcraft 101, and Advanced Mushcraft....But I have a question....'' 
 
 **Me**: ( Oh no, I hope he does n't realize I was just making things up. ) 
 
 **Nes**: `` How difficult is it to get a mule to do that one trick?'' 
 
 **Me**: ( Crap, he's asking about the mule trick. It's not even real. I was high as a kite when I thought that up... ) `` Uhh.......extremely, yes. Extremely difficult, I was nearly gored when attempting it. Probably not something one should attempt unless they have no other options.'' 
 
 **Mayor**: `` Wow, Dave. I'm impressed you managed to figure out something like that while a mule was staring you down.'' 
 
 **Man in Suit**: Alright everyone, I apologize for cutting this meeting short, but we've finished unloading the supplies. Good luck and we'll be back in 7 days. 
 
 ***Nes starts unloading heavily insulated fur blankets*** 
 
 **Nes**: Alright, we should start by setting up shelter. 
 
 ***Pay opens up his giant bag, revealing dozens of different knives, flashlights, gear, etc pulls out a particularly large knife with a scope & flashlight attached. *** 
 
 **Pay**: Sounds like a great idea, but those cloth blankets look a bit too thick. Here, I have the perfect knife for that. The tac-ti-kill knife 4000, specifically designed to easily cut through large furry animals like Mammoths. 
 
 **Nes**: Ah, perfect. Now due to the extreme heat of the Guppy desert, we want to insulate ourselves from the heat as best we can. 
 
 **Me**: ( Uhh... that does n't sound right, but I guess he knows better. ) `` Um, I guess I'll just help Mayor, you guys get the shelter going.'' 
 
 **Mayor is turned around, apparently looking down at something he's holding with both hands. ** 
 
 **Mayor**: `` Hey Dave, since Nes and Pay are working on shelter, we should secure some water.'' 
 
 **Me**: That sounds reasonable, how do we find water in the Guppy desert? 
 
 **Mayor**: `` You ca n't, this is the Guppy desert, it gets less than 7 inches of rainfall in the entire year. It's like finding a needle in a haystack!'' 
 
 **Me**: `` Right....weird analogy, but I guess that makes sense....Still, we have a few water bottles but those probably wo n't last us an entire 7 days.'' 
 
 ***Mayor hands me a canteen*** 
 
 **Mayor**: `` Do n't worry, there's always a water source available no matter the environment. Here, take a drink.'' 
 
 ***I take a sip & immediately spit it out. *** 
 
 **Me**: `` Ugh, this tastes like piss. Did you pee in this?'' 
 
 **Mayor**: That's right, I've been holding it in the entire plane flight here. We might not be able to find water but we can survive long enough by drinking our own urine. Now I ca n't provide enough urine for all of us so I'll need you to piss as well. 
 
 **Me**: ( Shit, there's no way we can survive 7 days on just our water bottles. I guess we have to do this to survive, but is n't there a better way? I'll ask Nes and Pay later. ) `` Fine, but I'll do it later. I already pissed on the plane.'' 
 
 **Mayor**: Alright then. Now that water is secure we should start looking for food. 
 
 **Me**: ( I hope he does n't resort to eating crap. ) ``....'' 
 
 __________________ 
 
 
 **The Guppy Desert: Day 1. Location unknown, Noon. ** 
 
 **Me**: `` Hey, Mayor.....uhh, we've been walking in circle for hours but still have n't caught anything. What exactly are we looking for?'' 
 
 **Mayor: `` Well, Mule Deer live in the Guppy desert and since you're with me, I was hoping to catch one.'' 
 
 **Me**: Hold on, what does mule deer have to do with me? 
 
 **Mayor**: `` Well, you know....they're like mules and you have that one trick you can do.....'' 
 
 **Me**: `` Whoa, hold on. I told you guys that's a last resort. And besides, mule deer are n't even mules, they're deer. It probably would n't even work on them.'' 
 
 **Mayor**: `` Damn.....maybe we can look for dead logs and find some maggots.'' 
 
 **Me**: `` Uh... dead logs? There's literally no large tree around us.'' 
 
 **Mayor**: `` Yeah, I guess you're right. Lets head back then since we could n't find anything. Luckily we can use the position of the sun to guide us back to camp. ***Stares into the sky for a minute.....then stares at his GPS & starts walking back to camp***.'' 
 
 **Me**: `` Right...... the sun.....'' ( Oh thank god we're not lost at least. ) 
 ________________________ 
 
 **The Guppy Desert: Day 1. Back at the campsite, Afternoon. ** 
 
 ***Blood is everywhere. There's a very large cloth lean-to, with an unconscious heavily dressed Nes with goop & bugs on his hands. An unconscious Pay is lying on the floor bandaged up like a mummy. *** 
 
 Me: `` My god, what the hell happened here?'' 
 
 Mayor: Whoa hold up. This looks like a wild animal attack. It must have decided to attack us while we split up our group and easier to pick off. Judging from the numerous wounds on Pay, it looks like the dreaded Kanjaroo rats of the Guppy Desert. 
 
 Me: `` Kanjaroo rats are this deadly? I thought they're suppose to be nocturnal and typically ate seeds.'' 
 
 Mayor: `` They must be rabid Kanjaroo rats. Odd, Nes does n't have any injuries and he appears to be well dressed for the environment. But what's that mysterious goop on his hands.'' 
 
 ***Mayor tastes some of the goop. *** 
 
 Mayor: `` It tastes like the leavings of the Kanjaroo rats. They must have marked him as their victim.'' 
 
 Me: ``.......Maybe it's heat stroke? He's sweating profusely, lets try giving him some water.'' 
 
 Mayor: `` Heat stroke? Ah, yes yes. Excellent idea.'' ***Props up Nes and pours canteen into throat*** 
 
 Nes: `` Uggh.....Is....is that Gatorade? It's kind of warm and I did n't know we had any.'' 
 
 Me: `` Uh....yes, yes it's Gatorade. But first tell us what happened.'' 
 
 Mayor: `` Gatorade? No, it's...'' 
 
 Me: `` Shh, let Nes talk first. We need to figure out what's going on before we're attacked again.'' 
 
 Nes: `` Attacked? Last I remember, Pay was helping me set up the shelter but nicked himself. So I went to get some salve for him when the elements became too rough for me. Deciding to take shelter until conditions improved, I bundled up underneath the lean-to to catch my breath. Then I guess I passed out. But what's this about an attack?'' 
 
 Mayor: `` We believe you were attacked by the Dreaded Kanjaroo Rats of the Guppy Desert. Pay's bleeding on the floor but luckily he appears to have applied proper first aid to himself.'' 
 
 Me: ***Examining Pay***, `` Yeah, he really bandaged himself up quite well.....almost too well. His limbs are turning blue and purple?'' 
 
 Mayor: `` Maybe we should give Pay some water. It worked on Nes.'' 
 
 Nes: `` Water? Was n't that Gatorade?'' 
 
 Me: Uh, wait guys. Let me try something first.... 
 
 Mayor: What are you doing? He might bleed to death. Kanjaroo rats take down larger animals by bleeding them dry from a thousand bites. 
 
 Me: ( These guys are morons..... ) `` It's alright, I have a.....technique.'' ***Loosens the bandages on Pay, especially around his neck... *** 
 
 Pay: ***Gasp*** `` I'm alive?'' 
 
 Mayor: `` Pay, what happened. Where'd the Kanjaroo rats go? If we hurry we can catch them and eat them.'' 
 
 Pay: `` Kanjaroo rats? You mean the dreaded Kanjaroo Rats of the Guppy Desert that bleed their prey dry from a thousand bites?'' 
 
 Mayor: `` Yes, exactly. the one I've talked about on my show, while surviving in Narmbi Desert.'' 
 
 Pay: `` They're here? And they attacked us?'' 
 
 Mayor: `` Precisely, now where did they go?'' 
 
 Me: `` Wait, hold on. If you do n't recall any Kanjaroo rats, why were you bandaged up?'' 
 
 Pay: `` Well I was helping Nes build his shelter with my Tac-ti-kill knife 4000, which was cutting through the cloth quite nicely. But it worked too well and I nicked myself a few times. Nes said he had some native aboriginal salve for that and went off to get it but never came back. So I took out my first aid kit and started treating myself.....then I lost consciousness, I guess that's when the Kanjaroo rats attacked!'' 
 
 Pay: `` By the way, Nes, where is that salve?'' 
 
 Nes: `` Oh, right here.'' ***Holds up hand covered in Kanjaroo poop. *** According to my aboriginal guide, Kanjaroo poop can heal a variety of ailments and ward off various animals.'' 
 

