[ WP ] You 're an immortal human who has been jumping from galaxy to galaxy looking for a way to die , but for the first time in 1.985 quadrillion years , you encounter something that makes you want to live .

I'm not a vampire. I have n't sold my soul to the Devil, and I definitely did not pioneer a successful quest to find the Philosopher's Stone. I just unluckily mutated TWO bullshit genes making me age at an impossibly slow rate among other things. No, I'm not immortal. I'm just set to live longer than the universe is to exist due to the aforementioned and, oh yeah, extremely advanced healing. 
 
 But I do n't want to. I've already been around for nearly two quadrillion years, and after launching my delicate body from the top of a 3000 story building, drowning myself in a river of mercury, attempting to remove my head with a jack knife ( that was a messy charade ), among an unending compilation of tragic, broken, and bloody attempted suicides, I realized that fucking X-Mentastic reality cursed me additionally. 
 
 I'm Superbitch. No normally mortal injury can kill me. Fuck times 1.985 quadrillion. 
 
 So, once teleportation became a big enough thing, I decided to splurge on my own machine. I had been working over a billion years, so I could definitely afford it. It's in my pantry, jammed right next to the corn starch until I have to leap up to pull it out. And I do on every occasion I get. Believe it or not, I still have friends and they want me present at `` important'' events like weddings, birthday parties, and funerals - or so I assume. 
 
 I want my own. Funeral, that is. Or metaphorically at least. I just want my existence to cease. I've seen so much that has, against my better judgment, made me want to remove my eyes, extract my uterus, and rip my face from my skull. Yet, that would n't be enough, and it would merely debilitate me during my journies. Instead I pick up that miniature Stubersteinz 205006, and I flick myself to the next unmapped galaxy. It's always a toss up where I land, but luckily I can retransmit while floating in space ( that's right: no lack of oxygen will lead to lack of life and landing on those planets' life-giving solar mass just gives me a light tan ). 
 
 I'm on my last limb, though. I have spent the past 1.5 quadrillion years trying to find a way to end it all, thinking some other more advanced planet would be able to turn me inside out and finally figure out what has made me tick longer than any clock. Wrong-o! Nothing, nadda, nope! Just a whole bunch of disappointments followed by a whole bunch of weird, bestial sex ( you got ta do what you got ta do to keep yourself amused ). 
 
 I was starting to lose hope until NASANDILKGA ( NASA's great-great-great-... -great-grandson company ) posted the latest and greatest discovered galaxy. Two hours later, I was on my way, and shit. It was unlike anything I've ever expected. It's Earth. Literally. The same exact thing. The continents are a little different, and the people walk a little more hunched, but it's Earth. 
 
 But they have two things mine does n't: 
 
 1 ) A way to die AND 
 2 ) A reason to live 
 
 Somebody like me. Literally, somebody exactly like me. Same mutation ( do n't even ask me what the statistic possibility of that is ), same genitalia, and same fuck-I-hate-this-shitty-ass-immortality-crock look at all times. But she wants to die, and she has never had the means. 
 
 `` Wait,'' you say. `` What about that way to die upon which you've stumbled?'' 
 
 I suppose that's the only aspect we do n't share. That acidic gas wo n't even leave a smudge on her tawny skin, whereas it rips mine to shreds and causes it to stay that way. Do n't ask me how it works. I'm a writer, not a lab tech. I've been too angry at evolution to learn any part of science, but now I'm starting to regret it. 
 
 Anyway, teleportation is too rickety on EarthDos ( what I like to call it ), so Hilanthropa has been begging for me to take her through the universe to find her path to death. Stubz is genetically imprinted to my DNA, so I'm the only one who can activate it ( some copyright shit ). But the thing is, I really do n't want to. I feel my first real connection with anybody... thing... alien, whatever. But it's there. I've been lying for the past ten years trying to prolong my time with her. 
 
 I do n't know how much longer it'll last. I do n't want to lose her, but I understand her plight one hundred percent. I spent two quadrillion years waiting for death, but now I'm begging not just for my life but another's as well? 
 
 I do n't know what to do. What would you do, Dad? 
 
 I miss you.
