[ WP ] An atheist and a Satanist meet at the gates of heaven . Saint Peter says there 's only room for one of them .

`` Only space for one?'' the atheist paused, and decided: 
 
 `` Yeah, the other guy can go ahead.'' 
 
 `` What?'' the satanist. 
 
 `` I'm a Satanist. I literally go out of my way to do the exact opposite of what you guys want. You should let the Atheist in.'' 
 
 `` No, no, no. At least you actually believed in God. Even if you were being rebellious or edgy or whatever, that's still better than flat-out *ignoring* him like I did.'' 
 
 `` You tried to be a good guy. At least me compensate for how much of an asshole I've been by letting you in.'' 
 
 `` Oh, for *fuck's* sake.'' Peter interrupts their quarreling. 
 
 `` SAINT PETER SWEARS?'' the two responded in unison. 
 
 `` Sorry... Just been under a lot of stress.'' 
 
 He pauses and continues, `` and you two definitely are n't helping.'' 
 
 `` Why do n't you flip a coin?'' Suggested the atheist. 
 
 `` Yeah... We're both kinda being assholes.'' 
 
 `` That's actually against the rules. I have to make a formal judgment of your character. One that's not based on luck.'' 
 
 `` Wait, how do you make that kind of judgment? There's way too much chance in life. Some people learned a different set of moral values. Some were raised in uncertain conditions, or forced to steal, or...'' 
 
 `` Do you know how stressful this job is?'' Peter interrupted sternly. 
 
 `` Sorry. It's just my dad always said *'' The people who act morally are those that can afford to. `` * I do n't want you to overlook that.'' 
 
 `` Well there you go then! I was well off and acted like an ass anyway!'' 
 
 `` But you went out of your way to *learn* what the right thing was! I just tried to figure it all out by myself like some kind of arrogant twat, and tried to convince everyone else to do it my way!'' 
 
 `` HOLY FUCK JUST STOP IT YOU TWO.'' 
 
 `` Sorry.'' 
 
 `` Sorry.'' 
 
 `` This really is n't getting anywhere. I still think you should do the coin flip.'' 
 
 `` Sorry, ca n't.'' 
 
 `` What if you ask Jesus?'' 
 
 `` Jesus? This is Jannah.'' 
 
 `` WAIT, WHAT? What is Peter doing at the gates of Jannah?'' 
 
 `` Fucking Europeans.''
