[ WP ] You 're Jesus ' friend Jeff . You got ta help him pull off this whole `` resurrection '' thing .

`` Come on, Jeff. It's not that complicated,'' He said. 
 
 `` I get it.'' I said. `` Rock goes on, five days later, rock comes off.'' 
 
 `` Three days, Jeff. Three. In five, I'll be dead. Shit, I knew I should have got Peter to do this.'' 
 
 `` You do n't mean that. He's not exactly the quickest lion in the Colosseum. You know what we call him?'' 
 
 `` Yeah,'' Jesus said, shaking his head. `` Peter the -'' 
 
 `` Peter the Rock,'' I said. `` Get it?'' 
 
 `` I get it. He's dumb as a rock. It's not that hard. Hey, speaking of things that are n't hard, how long do you leave me in the tomb?'' 
 
 I gave him my best serious look. `` Three days. You know how I remember it?'' 
 
 `` Because I'll be dead in five?'' Jesus asked. 
 
 I gave him the wink and the finger. `` Dead in five. I've got the retractable spear. The Centurion said he only wanted twenty drachma to do it, so that's sorted.'' 
 
 `` Crown of thorns?'' 
 
 `` Rubber.'' 
 
 `` What about the nails?'' He said. 
 
 `` Cut off half way. Tree sap'll hold it in place as long as you do n't wiggle too much. You'll be held up by a harness around that funny looking loincloth they make you wear. Might ride up a bit, but hey - if that's the worst thing that happens to you during your crucifiction, it's a pretty fucking good day, right?'' 
 
 Jesus cracked his neck and shook his arms a little. `` Let's do this.'' 
 
 The guards came towards Jesus. I backed off a little to give him space. When the others started to pick up their crosses, he gave me a quizzical little look. I mimed lifting. 
 
 `` What the fuck?'' He hissed. 
 
 `` Lift it!'' I hissed back. 
 
 `` All the way? Golgotha's a fucking mile from here!'' 
 
 `` The guard's coming. Lift the cross!'' 
 
 Jesus lifted with his back in a quick, jerking motion. Guy'd never done a day's work in his life. I do n't know what the spasm he clearly developed looked like, but he looked like he'd rather take the real nails than the ones I had in my pouch. He stumbled a few steps forward, doing his best, but he clearly was n't going to make it. One foot dragged behind him one of those lepers who were always looking for their money back. Half a mile down the road, I could n't take it any more. 
 
 `` Witness, the King of the Jews,'' I said, hefting the cross off his back. `` Could n't possibly let him take this all the way to the place where the thing'll happen. I'll happily shoulder the burden of the heavy with the lifting and the carrying. King of the Jews, an' all.'' 
 
 Fucking Centurions let me do it, as well. I do n't know if I was more pissed off with him for throwing his back out, or them for bending the rules to keep the talent happy. 
 
 By the time I'd dragged that hundred pounds of killing machine up the hill to Golgotha, Jesus seemed to have made a pretty miraculous recovery. Not the only one he'd be making, obviously, but the only one that screwed *me* over. 
 
 I gave a nod to Grumio, who came over to do the business. With a little creative engineering, Jesus was hooked up by the crotch and lifted high into the sky. 
 
 It was n't twenty minutes before his pained expression started to look a little too real. He gestured me over - to the best of his ability, all things considered. I genuflected up to the mound, mumbling about saviours and lambs of god and breads and fishes. 
 
 `` What?'' I stage whispered. 
 
 `` The harness,'' he said. `` The harness.'' 
 
 `` The harness?'' 
 
 `` The harness! The harness!'' 
 
 I looked around the back. The rope we were using was supposed to go around his back. Instead, to my horror, it was pulled tight between his legs. `` Shit, man,'' I said. `` That looks really painful.'' 
 
 I wo n't say what he said next. Suffice to say it ai n't gon na make it into the book. 
 
 I took a step towards him, but the Centurions hauled me back. I did n't want to watch, so I gave him an embarrassed wave and went down to the alehouse until the heat had died down. By the time I got back, he was passed out. 
 
 `` My Lord!'' I shouted, as loud as I could. `` Have you died, already? As inconvenient as that is to the larger population who clearly wanted to see you tortured for a greater period of time than the period of time that you have apparently lasted?'' 
 
 Jesus twitched a bit. 
 
 I gestured to the Centurion. `` Quick,'' I said, `` stab him!'' 
 
 `` I ca n't,'' Grumio said. `` I have n't,'' 
 
 `` Stab him, you fucking Sodomite. Stab him!'' 
 
 Grumio jerked his spear up quickly. Blood flowed. 
 
 `` That looks really good,'' I said. 
 
 `` It would,'' he said. `` Could n't find the retractable spear.'' 
 
 I watched the blood of the lamb of God spill out on to the dust of the hill. `` Fuck.'' 
 
 He twitched a couple of times. It did look convincing, but then again, it would. Grumio gave a well-what-do-know shrug and shuffled off back to the legion. He'd only gone a few steps before a thought occurred to him and he shuffled back. 
 
 `` What?'' I asked. 
 
 `` I think he's got a brother,'' he said.
