[ WP ] Memory erasing tech is now common . A man has large self inflicted gaps in his memory that is he desperate to know more about , but a note from himself keeps him from doing it . when he finally does , the reason is something he would have never expected .

`` I do n't understand people.'' Do n't people say that? Do they ever stop to think of the fact that they are a person too? I seem to have trouble understanding myself. 
 No, that's not true; I understand myself just fine. 
 Well then, what's the problem with me? 
 Maybe it's trust. But I trust other people just fine. I've been taken in by television salesmen and false friends so often that I've just stopped trusting. 
 But I do n't trust myself. 
 
 Dr. Javed, Dr. Ahmet Javed, my psychiatrist looks at me still with the same expression that never changes. All the simple decoration, the rippling little waterfall toy on his desk, they're all supposed to make me feel relaxed just like his emotionless monotone. I feel the need to escape. 
 `` No, I have to get this off of my chest.'' I think to myself. `` My life is falling apart and he's trained to help me pull it all together.'' 
 
 `` It seems'' he say `` like you're trying to say something but not say it at the same time. Would that be accurate?'' 
 `` Yes, that's actually pretty close to it.'' 
 `` Well sir, if you are having trouble saying it maybe it would help to talk around it. Talk about it without actually saying what you are so desperately trying not to say.'' 
 `` I think part of the problem really is that I do n't know where to begin.'' 
 `` I personally view everything as more of a continuation. Each beginning comes from something and ends are more akin to a change of place or perspective. Please start at any point and we'll see about filling in what we do n't know.'' 
 It was almost an insult! There certainly are ends and beginning. My memory for instance. 
 `` I guess I can start with endings and beginnings. And I can start where I left off; with trust. 
 `` I did n't trust the note I left for myself. It was clear and I should have known better. But memory is n't supposed to have too many beginnings and endings.'' 
 `` Am I to understand then that you had your memory edited?'' 
 `` Yeah. That's what I did, doctor. And I knew myself well enough to know that I would go looking for why my brain had holes in it. So I wrote myself a note telling myself not to. The problem was trust.'' 
 He looked at me. I felt like I had to say more. Just as I was about to start talking again he spoke. 
 `` And did you fill in those holes?'' 
 `` Yeah'' 
 `` Can you tell me about those holes? About the beginnings and ends?'' 
 I did n't say anything but he must have sensed I needed a prompt because after a pause... 
 `` If you're not ready then...'' 
 `` No, it was good times. Times when I'd come home...'' 
 After a moment, `` To your wife?'' 
 `` Yeah!?'' 
 `` Simple cues you learn from my perspective. You clenched your left hand then when you relaxed it you touched your finger just as I tend to spin my own ring on my finger. You divorced then? How long ago?'' 
 `` Not divorced, Doc. T- Till death do us part. Car crashes happen all the time and they have to happen to someone.'' 
 `` Ah, I'm sorry. I see many divorces in my line of work. I...'' 
 Was that actual emotion? It must have been to break the monotone. 
 `` Is it what was in those holes? Is that what brings you here?'' 
 `` Yes.'' 
 `` May I ask what memories you had removed?'' 
 `` Doctor, I wish I'd left well enough alone!'' 
 `` Was it'well enough' as you say?'' 
 `` No, but it was better.'' I'm cracking now. My heart is beating fast as a hummingbird's wings, my voice is cracking, tears welling up in my eyes and sliding down my face making my chin itch. 
 `` Mr. Lamb, what did you find?'' 
 `` I am such a coward.'' Voice choking on the word. `` She always loved me. I did n't deserve her. She should have had better than me. I should have never married her. But I loved her and she loved me. 
 `` I found her diary and every time I hurt her it was nothing but love and how she wanted me to be a good man like she married. Like she knew I was.'' My body is heaving in waves so strong it's hard to breath. `` All I want is to say I'm sorry.''
