[ WP ] North Korea declares war on Santa .

The Energy Minister ’ s hands shook as he delivered the report to the Glorious Leader. Then he waited. Minutes passed. The wall clock ticked them off, each second filling the conference room with the passage of time. The Defense minister shifted his weight, but made no sound. The Finance minister sat still as a board. His eyes, which neither moved nor blinked observed the blank blue walls of the room. The Cultural Minister sipped his tea. The Foreign Minister stared out the window, watching the late summer sunrise unfold. None of them looked through their copy of the report. They had already seen it. They knew its contents. 
 
 Finally, The Leader put down his copy of the report, and addressed the Energy Minister. 
 
 “ How accurate is this report? How certain is it that we will run out this winter? ” 
 
 “ Sir, we are 90 % certain that we will run out of coal by the end of December. ” 
 
 “ The last report had predicted that we would last through January, did it not? ” 
 
 The Energy Minister swallowed before speaking, “ Yes, sir. Your memory is as excellent as ever. However, we did not predict the harsh spring of this year, and this depleted our stock far faster than anticipated. We will not last through the end of the year. ” 
 
 “ I see. ” The Leader turned to the Defense Minister. “ What are our options? Can we take back the South? ” 
 
 “ Sir, while there is no doubt that we would destroy the American lapdogs, we can not guarantee that we could do so quick enough to avert the energy crisis. ” 
 
 “ Hmmm. ” Turning to the Foreign Minister, “ And, what about China? Will they support us in our common cause? ” 
 
 “ No sir. Ten years ago, yes. But now they have been corrupted. They seek peace with the capitalists. And neither can we expect any aid. The corruption is so great that they now expect trade for the coal. ” 
 
 “ Disgusting. ” Said The Leader. “ That they would whore out their dedication to the cause for a few shiny coins. ” 
 
 The Leader looked back at the the report. “ Nevertheless… ” 
 
 The Finance Minister cleared his throat in anticipation, and when The Leader looked up, the minister shook his head. Everyone knew the state of their coffers. 
 
 Another long silence descended on the room, broken by the clearing of another throat -- this time, it belonged to the Cultural Minister. 
 
 Five pairs of eyes turned his way. 
 
 “ There might be another possibility. ” The Cultural Minister started. “ My agents has collected... rumors of nearly unlimited stash of coal, accessed by the Americans each year. According to numerous sources, this coal is guarded only by fat couple, and a squad of midgets. It would take very little for your Glorious Forces to overwhelm them. ” 
 
 “ Go on. ” Said The Leader. 
 
 “ My sources suggest that this source of coal is stockpiled in the Arctic. Each year it is used used as a token, handed out to the spawn of the capitalist pig-dogs, in proportion to their sinful actions. ” 
 
 A gasp rang out from those in the room, including The Glorious Leader himself. The Leader leaned forward. 
 
 “ Can this be true? ” 
 
 “ Most assuredly. If there is one thing that the Americans love as much as money, it is the sound of their own voices. My sources say that they will not be quiet about this coal reserve. ” 
 
 “ But, then, this supply of coal must be vast indeed, if it is going to serve as a measure of even the smallest fraction of American evil. ” 
 
 “ Indeed, sir. ” The Cultural Minister continued. “ These were my thoughts as well. ” 
 
 “ And it is left unguarded? ” 
 
 “ Correct. We have detailed intelligence that indicates the guards consist of no more than a few dozen midgets, led by a husband and wife team, codenamed ‘ Santa ’ and ‘ Mrs. Claus. ’ For much of the year, they sit on their fat capitalist asses, and do nothing. Then, they put in one night's worth of work distributing coal -- and they are praised across America for these efforts. ” 
 
 The Foreign Minister failed to suppress a snort. “ A typical western approach to life. ” 
 
 “ Yes. But it is one that we can use. If we act early, we can catch these lazy swine off guard, and seize the coal for our Glorious Nation. ” 
 
 The Leader thought for a moment. Then turned to the Defense Minister. “ How soon can you draw plans up for an invasion? ” 
 
 “ Against a fat man, and his army of midgets? Less than a day. ” 
 
 “ Excellent. ” The Leader stood, followed by the Ministers. “ Draw up plans against this ‘ Santa, ’ I will see them by the end of the day. Come the end of the year, the Americans will come to regret their loose tongues. ” 
 

