[ WP ] A man tries to commit suicide 50 times but something always stops him . It is almost as if the universe wants him to stay alive .

`` My dad used to call me a failure at everything... if the old bastard could see me now, how right he would be. The latest of my misadventures included a straight razor, a stick of butter and a bottle of Everclear... still trying to remember why I had the butter. 
 
 `` The nurse walked in and just looked at me. I could have sworn she knew my dad, the look of disappointment was easy to read. She opened the curtain that looked out onto the world; another sunrise, fuck. 
 
 `` For the last several months I have been on a mission, a mission to rid the gene pool of my DNA. So many people keep asking me why I want to off myself, and I tell them all the same thing. This world is a shit hole; Israel and Hamas, ISIS versus the civilized world, Westboro versus everything with a heartbeat... the world has broken the elevator between floors and I want out of the carriage. 
 
 `` The usually question I get after the offing one is how come you're still here then? Fuck if I know. I cant help but look back at some of the different ways I've tried. 
 
 `` There was the time I closed the garage door and let the car run. As I passed out I somehow managed to put the fucker into drive and installed a new car sized window in the back wall of the garage. I was going so fast that when the car hit the pool in the backyard I was pitched out and landed on the lawn... two attempts for the price of one. 
 
 `` Then there was the whole pills fiasco. I popped as many as I could and washed it down with some diet coke. You may guess what happened next, but, if you cant let's just say I looked like one of those water powered rocket packs and my nose was the thrust nozzles. 
 
 `` The attempt that was the closest in succeeding was also the most expensive. I went to the hardware store and bought some rope and a small fold up chair. I secured the rope to a strong roof support then stepped of the five dollar chair. I could feel the life being pulled from me, it was... euphoric. As I started to lose my vision and could hear the sound of rushing water I smiled. Then I heard a massive bone shaking crack. Next thing I know other roofing beams are falling all around me, how was I supposed to know that I had weakened the structure when I drove my car though its wall. 
 
 `` Anyways, that's all I can think of right now. Not sure when I'm going to make attempt number fifty one, but, I have a feeling this time will be it. 
 
 He stopped recording his rant with his iPhone and stood up, stretched then walked away. He never heard the soft huff of a laugh as he left. 
 
 `` Time travel is the best thing ever invented. Glad I never accomplished my task, this is way more exciting.'' 

