[ WP ] A sci-fi writer , a satirist , a historian , a children 's book author , and the creator of Mad Libs place a wager on who can create the most successful religion .

`` Okay then.'' 
 
 It was only 50 bucks, but it was an important 50 bucks. Each one was wallowing in the lowest depths of poverty and alcoholism, and needed the money. The sci-fi writer, Jacob LeWattes, born in Boston, age 32. The satirist, Douglas H. Vine, age 26. The historian, Wayne Castarbach, age 53. The children's book author, Tobias Wellenruether, age 47. And the long forgotten creator of Mad Libs. He liked to be called Dave. 
 
 Each had 20 minutes to pitch to each other their ideas, and begin planning their rise. Each would use their expertise in some way. And Wayne was to begin. 
 
 `` After serious consideration, I believe that throughout history, a single figure has been more trustworthy than a group in religion.'' 
 
 He cleared his throat awkwardly and adjusted his glasses. 
 
 `` So, having studied Christianity, Islam and Judaism, I believe the ideal figure for the hive mind must be mysterious and alone. Therefore, I suggest to you that the world was created by Keanu Reeves.'' 
 
 The others looked at each other in confusion. 
 
 `` He's perfect. He might be a time travelling vampire god, but he might be an ancient deity trapped in an actor's body. It's all just ambiguity and perception.'' 
 
 Douglas, utilising his thick Italian American accent, piped up. 
 
 `` And here I thought I was the satirist.'' 
 
 Wayne sat down, and motioned for the next man to step forward. 
 
 `` I'll take it.'' 
 
 Tobias Wellenruether stepped forward. His strange pseudo-Germanic accent muffled the words he articulated. 
 
 `` So, I know how to tap into the -how do I put this- more impressionable minds. And I can conclude that people are just straight up stupid.'' 
 
 Douglas poked Dave, as if to insult him somehow. 
 
 `` So I believe if I use unsophisticated language and tell them there is a big elephant in the sky that loves them-'' 
 
 Douglas broke out laughing. 
 
 `` They will eat the idea up. And so Jeremy the sky elephant is my pitch.'' 
 
 Jacob stood up awkwardly. Marfan syndrome does that. His 7'2'' frame and thick rimmed glasses, with a fragile, skinny build, made him seem the perfect exemplar of his genre. 
 
 `` So, following the success of Scientology, I believe you can fool anyone. I mean, if Tom Cruise falls for it, anyone can. So, I have a GENIUS idea.'' 
 
 Following his unexpected shift in tone, Douglas sat bolt upright. 
 
 `` What I do is I tell people there's this thing called Axlplxtylz. And Axlplxtylz is angry at everyone, all the time. So he decides to send these nice guys, let's call them Alsperios, to an imperfect planet pronounced in his language ZRPFLXRXZYLDVZX. For convenience, the Alsperios call it Earth, and settle there.'' 
 
 Douglas once again piped up. 
 
 `` So basically Scientology?'' 
 
 Jacob refused to answer and let the next participant come up. It was the quiet Dave. He produced a piece of paper. 
 
 DEAR YOU LOT, 
 I HAVE A GENIUS IDEA. WE'LL CALL THIS RELIGION ( SILLY NOUN ) AND GIVE ITS LEADER A NAME LIKE ( PERSON IN THE ROOM ). THE WORSHIP IS FOR ( FRUIT ) AND IN A BUILDING CALLED A ( SILLY NOUN ), WHERE THEY ( VERB ). AND THEY DO IT IN A ( ADJECTIVE ) WAY. THE HOLY BOOK IS CALLED ( PERSON IN ROOM )'S PROPHECIES, AND IS SOME SENTIMENTALIST PSEUDO-HELPFUL AND RELIGIOUS ( NAUGHTY WORD ). 
 
 He sat down after they had read it. Then Douglas H. Vine walked up. 
 
 He walked with a swagger in his step, and decided he would deliver his pitch in an alternative method. 
 
 `` Let me tell you, one and all, about a tiny little scrawl, 
 
 That's written on some leather thick, almost as small as Jacob's dick.'' 
 
 Jacob blushed in a strange manner. 
 
 `` And it says you have to say that He is better, and nothing else, and do n't get meta, 
 
'Cause if you do that, he'll appear right here, and fill your darkened heart with fear, 
 
 A metal rod, scaffolding, that's all, maybe it was once part of a wall, 
 
 But it can talk, and it sings in German, and you'll know when it's gon na,'cause you'll be learnin', 
 
 And if it sounds nice, your soul is saved, but if it says that you have craved, 
 
 For that girl's embrace for way too long, you, my friend, are very wrong, 
 
 As he'll take your house, your car, your knees, and put you in a hive fulla angry bees.'' 
 
 The others looked at each other, and then looked back, but he was gone. 
 
 `` Probably writing another manuscript,'' Tobias said, in an oddly angry tone. 
 
 ( There will be more to come, I promise )
