[ WP ] It is time for the 2016 Summer Olympics in Brazil , and to everyone 's surprise , Kim Jong-Un himself is among the DPRK athletes , declaring his intention to compete in every event .

“ Good afternoon, everybody, and welcome to the 2016 Equestrian Show-Jumping Olympic finals. My name is Steve West and, as always, I am joined by my co-caster Jim Wilson ” 
 
 “ Hello everybody, excited to be here. ” 
 
 “ We ’ ve got an incredible competition ahead of us today, with the Olympic gold medal on the line. Stakes are high and passions are higher, so let ’ s jump right in—pun intended. Jim? ” 
 
 “ Thanks, Steve. As all of you horse-heads know, we ’ ve got one of the most competitive line-ups scheduled this afternoon. Steve Guerdat, who of course won the 2012 Olympic gold in London, will be representing the Swiss, followed by last year ’ s silver medalist Greco Schroder, from the Netherlands. It goes without saying that we also have world-favorite, and teen heartthrob, Clan O ’ Conner of Ireland coming up in a few minutes ’ time. 
 
 “ That ’ s right, Jim, the teens go crazy for him. I ’ m not sure if it ’ s his hair, his muscular legs, or just the sheer tightness of his outfit, but the kids love him. I don ’ t really think he ’ s very attractive, but then again I don ’ t normally find men very attractive. I just wasn ’ t born that way. Then again, I ’ m also easily confused by modern technology, like the iPhone, so it ’ s possible that I ’ m just not ‘ hip ’ to what the kids like. ” 
 
 “ Could be any of those things, Steve, but there is one thing for sure: we ’ ve got a controversial and—quite honestly, surprising—contestant today. He shocked the world by making it through quarter-finals and semi-finals after demanding that he be entered into the competition just a few days ago. ” 
 
 “ Not just this competition, Jim, but every competition. ” 
 
 “ That ’ s right, Steve. He is actually the first Olympic athlete to not only be entered into every single sport offered at the Olympics, but to also earn the title of ‘ athlete ’ while at the Olympics. Prior to this week, his feats of athleticism were simply rumors, and most people assumed he was nothing more than an over-weight dictator with a superiority complex. Now, however, after winning gold in literally every single event thus far, we ’ re starting to realize that rumors can sometimes be nothing but the truth. ” 
 
 “ We ’ re talking, of course, about none other than Kim Jong-un, leader of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea. And as I take a look at today ’ s roster, it looks like Mr. Jong-un will be first up for today ’ s Show-Jumping Olympic finals. ” 
 
 “ I believe it might be Mr. Kim, Steve. Pretty sure those Asians put their first names where their last names should be. ” 
 
 “ You may be right, Jim, you may be right. That said, I ’ m confident it isn ’ t politically correct to refer to them ‘ Asians. ’ ” 
 
 “ Speaking of Asians, it looks like Mr. Kim Jong-un is all ready to begin his set. He will need to get a 92 or higher in order to assure himself a spot at a medal. ” 
 
 “ That ’ s right, Jim, and anything above a 99—which, of course, is just one point below the cap of 100 points—will guarantee him a gold medal. ” 
 
 “ Hang on a second here, Steve, it looks like we ’ ve got some sort of change to the official ruling. Judges have just confirmed that Mr. Kim, or Mr. Jong-un, will not, in fact, be riding a horse. ” 
 
 “ I ’ m not sure I ’ m following this rule change, Jim. ” 
 
 “ It seems strange, I agree, but apparently the rules have been revised to accommodate his request. ” 
 
 “ So we ’ re making it easier for the leader of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea? ” 
 
 “ Not quite, Steve. The Glorious Leader will not be riding a horse, but will compete as if he were. So, to clarify, Mr. Kim Jong-un is going to be participating in the Equestrian Show-Jumping event on foot. He will be attempting to leap over numerous hurdles exceeding five feet in height without the assistance of a horse, in under a minute ’ s time, while moving in-step with the rhythmic styling of The Black Eyed Peas ‘ My Humps. ’ ” 
 
 “ Fascinating, Jim. I don ’ t think I ’ ve ever seen this before. ” 
 
 “ Nor have I, Steve, although I did once see a man mount and copulate with a living anteater. ” 
 
 “ I asked you not to mention that, Jim, it was a drunken mistake that destroyed my marriage. ” 
 
 “ Sorry, Steve. ” 
 
 “ As we continue, it looks like Mr. Kim has gotten into position to begin his dance. The crowd is now silent. ” 
 
 “ I ’ m on the edge of my seat, Jim. ” 
 
 “ And he ’ s off—and what grace! I ’ ve never seen such movements before, Steve. ” 
 
 “ Me neither, Jim, it ’ s like he ’ s floating on a cloud. I can ’ t even understand—what is that? How is he doing that? ” 
 
 “ Here comes the first jump, a whopping five-foot-six. An on-foot leap of this height would be a challenge to professional hurdlers that train their jump daily—nope, easy. He just flew right over it. I don ’ t think he even bent his knees. The crowd is going insane. ” 
 
 “ I am not sure what I ’ m seeing here, Jim. I am questioning my understanding of reality. Is flying legal? Can he do that? ” 
 
 “ I believe it is, Steve, otherwise airplanes would be forbidden. ” 
 
 “ Here comes the backward prance. Mr. Jong-un will have to move backward while leaping over a series of wooden dividers. Very challenging on a horse, nearly impossible on foot—and he ’ s done it. Fascinating, he didn ’ t even look like he was aware of what he was doing. He just kind of leapt over and, well, amazing. 
 
 “ I think I ’ m going to vomit, Steve. I ’ m feeling physically and mentally ill. ” 
 
 “ As are we all, Jim. We are witnessing things man was simply not intended to observe. I ’ ve never before seen movement of such grace, on a horse or otherwise. He ’ s just got one leap left, this one a distance gap. ” 
 
 “ He ’ s moving with such beauty, it ’ s making me uneasy Steve. He ’ s just got a few more feet to go. ” 
 
 “ We ’ ve seen horses clip their legs on this jump following a full-speed gallop. The Glorious Leader will need to be moving at least fifteen miles-per-hour faster than he is to clear it, based on course reviews. I don ’ t think he ’ s going to make it, Jim. ” 
 
 “ I don ’ t either, Steve. This could be it for the man who has quickly become the crowd favorite. ” 
 
 “ And here goes the leap and—Jesus. Jesus Christ. Can you see anything? Jim? Are you there? ” 
 
 “ I ’ m here, Steve. Or at least I think I ’ m here. I can ’ t see anything. The radiance of his jump, the beauty—everything has faded to white. ” 
 
 “ That ’ s right, Jim. I am now completely blind. ” 
 
 “ As am I. Blind as a bat. ” 
 
 “ Fascinating, what a run. Not only did I vomit all over myself and suffer a severe existential crisis, but I lost my eyesight. Reminds me of the time I was in Cancun, Mexico, trying to purchase illegal— ” 
 
 “ Hold onto that thought, Jim, they ’ re announcing the scores. ” 
 
 “ This should be a pretty high-scoring run, assuming the judges continue to permit Mr. Kim Jong-un ’ s lack of horse. ” 
 
 “ Indeed, Jim. And here it is. Wow, never in my day. They ’ ve announced 10 ’ s across the board, even from the hard-to-please Russian judges. I can only assume it was also written somewhere, as I can not see anything, nor, apparently, can anybody else in attendance. ” 
 
 “ Incredible, Steve. I never thought I ’ d see the day, although I doubt I ’ ll ever see anything again. ” 
 
 “ Well then, I guess we already have our gold medalist after just the first six minutes of competition. Of course, I can not see anymore and will be unable to provide any reliable feedback on the next series of events, but I ’ m sure the run for silver and bronze should be appealing. Not quite as appealing as Mr. Kim Jong-un ’ s run, but certainly good. ” 
 
 “ Absolutely, Steve. Agreed whole-heartedly. I also believe the next contestants will not be inviting any armed officers into the announcers booths to stand behind us, which should lighten the atmosphere. ” 
 
 “ It ’ s going to be great, Jim. Stay tuned, everybody, for more riveting coverage from the 2016 Equestrian Show-Jumping Finals. ” 

