[ WP ] Aliens have come to Earth , not to invade , but to take us home .

George: At first, the very idea of it was amazing. Contact! It finally happened. A message sent straight to NASA days before their arrival. Then, a video chat with the United Nations. The first images of a real alien. I mean… the very moment the first Pliktid ’ s face was shared worldwide, all of our movie and television depictions of them seemed so juvenile, so far off, so biased on our own biology, our closed minded view of what constituted “ life. ” It was an embarrassment and at the same time, beyond obvious. 
 The months leading up to their landing, the world discussed how it should present itself. 
 
 With might? 
 
 With generosity? 
 
 Should we attempt to hide the state our planet was in? Hide the years of atrocities? 
 
 In the end, none of it even mattered. They had seen it all from the start. 
 
 Like, I mean the very start. 
 
 That ’ s when things got a little dark. After they landed, they greeted us with sympathy. Like we were abused little puppies. We tried to explain to them that we were the dominant lifeform on that planet, which caused the Pliktids cry and hug one another. Pliktids exited their ships and ran to humans, stroking their hair, attempting to feed us strange goop. Scientists confirmed that the goop was highly nutritious, the most perfect food. Scientists speculated that it would extend the life of humans by 100 years. The Pliktids explained to us that 200 plus was the natural lifespan of a human “ in the wild. ” “ Caged humans, ” as they called us, only live about half their normal lifespan. That one threw us for a loop. When we asked for an explanation as to what a “ wild human ” would be, they cried and stroked us, more. 
 
 
 Liane: Sure, it was great being fed and pet and all, but, what the Plikkies said next is what really pissed us all off. I mean, some of us think they was lying. I mean, it ’ d be a good lie. I ’ d do it. 
 
 So, anyway, these magenta fuckers wave their long ass fingers at us and tell us we on a zoo. Mm-Hmm. No, I ain ’ t say we IN a zoo, we ain ’ t GOING to the zoo. Magenta bitches say we on a zoo. Turned out these mutha fuckas took all our asses onto Earth hundred millions years ago or something, back when we was all just DNA. Mm-Hmm! They snatched our panspermia off some other world and sprinkled our asses all over the continents and Pangea and in the magma and shit. So, now, ten million years later, these bitches is all, “ Oh, we sorry. ” 
 
 Oh, you sorry? We just here minding out own business and now how you gon na come along and tell us we ’ re an exhibit in fuckin ’ space? And now you all sorry about it? 
 You go to a zoo, you see a lion, he sad. Why the lion sad? Cause he knows he ’ s a lion! He knows he supposed to be in the jungle hunting deer and shit. Now you look at a fish and he happy, why? Cause a fish don ’ t know it ’ s not in the ocean. I ’ m a fish, I wan na be a fish, swimming around bumpin ’ into glass! 
 
 
 Teddy: Well, it was a shock to the system to say the least. I mean, I ’ ve always been a God fearing man. The Book said that... well…, we all know what the book said…. Not that-not that I ’ ve lost my faith in God. By all means, no. Here, now, I need Him in my life more than anything else. But, uh, it was clear that the book needed some revisions… 
 
 There are those who deny what the Pliktids say, but, uh, well there are those who still believe that the Earth was flat. I guess we ’ ll never know. I ’ m kidding, I know the Earth was round, uh, is round. It ’ s still there… As far as we know. But, well, yeah, that ’ the thing, now isn ’ t it? It ’ s difficult to know what ’ s true anymore. But, uh, those Pliktids had some pretty convincing evidence, so, so I believe ‘ em. Seemed nice enough, too, you know? They still stop by, check on us. Sure don ’ t bring any more of that nutritious slop, though. Could use that on a cold night. 
 
 I mean, their species had whole documentaries about the cruelties we humans were being put through. And our home planet is twice the size of Earth. So, yeah, we ’ re used to more area to live around in. That explained the overpopulation. 
 
 But, you know, now, it ’ s all right. We always were talking about getting back to our roots and sleeping under the stars again. You know? We always said we wanted to grow our own food and not work for money anymore. Well, now we can. Just got ta make sure someone stays awake and always travel in groups. 
 
 
 Lars: Ridiculous. If I had known what this was going to be like, I ’ d never had signed up. It was all voluntary, of course. Nobody was forced to go, a third stayed. But they sure made it look wonderful, didn ’ t they? Eh, I guess you weren ’ t there. 
 
 Our home world. Filled with the natural food our body was intended to eat. Longer lifespans. Richer atmosphere. A sun that didn ’ t give you cancer. More space to live! Longer nights. Three day weekends! Exciting adventures! 
 
 Adventure, sure. If you call fighting off a Chin-Toothed Bear for a handful of loop berries. Turns out that goop they fed us was mostly loop berry, concentrated by a thousand, or something. It ’ s the only edible plant on this goddamn planet, I am so sick of loop berries! Other than loop berries, you just have to hunt, like we did one hundred thousand years ago. Except these animals have been evolving to fight off the wild, vapid humans that are native to this planet. Nobody has advanced here. Nothing has happened! It is a wasteland! 
 
 But, how could I blame them? How could you ever get to build the wheel when you ’ re defending your sleep nest from a group of wild humans or the Winged Horse-Spiders? Not much time to invent language when you ’ re always running from the Murder Breeze! I want to go back to Earth! 
 
 
 Joe: Huh? Oh, yeah yeah, it ’ s no big deal to me. So, I ’ m a little sea monkey. Alright. Still got ta go to work, though. Still got ta take a shower, still got ta know your social security number. 
 It ’ s been pretty nice with 2/3rds of Earth ’ s population gone. Yeah, I read the other day that scientists think we ’ ve already reversed climate change. Yup. Got plenty of natural resources, now. It ’ s like an extended lease on this planet, you know? And, hey, that slime they fed us? They left plenty of it here. 
 
 There were so few of us, we all decided to make one nation along the California Coast. Yeah, why not? Let the animals have the rest, we don ’ t need it all. Sure, we all get along now. Now that we know someone is watching, we kinda upped our game. I think it ’ s all we needed. 
 No, it ’ s been great, it really has. 

