[ WP ] You have the ability to make inanimate objects come to life by putting googly eyes on them .

`` Why yes, I would like to be in your upcoming film, Mr. Abrams!'' 
 
 `` Fantastic! I always knew you were perfect for the role, Michael. Now, filming is going to start on-'' 
 
 Suddenly I was jolted awake by the sound of someone furiously knocking at the front door. Eyes still half closed, I caught a glimpse of the clock on the dresser. 6:00 AM. Who the hell is knocking on my door at 6:00 AM? 
 
 `` MIKE!'' 
 
 Oh goddamnit, what now? 
 
 `` MIKE! WAKE UP!'' 
 
 I dragged myself out of bed and shambled to the front door in my pajamas. 
 
 `` What the hell is going on, Joe?'' 
 
 `` Mike... I uh, I messed up man. I messed up bad.'' 
 
 `` What, like, you killed somebody? I'm not harboring a fugitive, Joe.'' 
 
 `` No man, it's worse...'' 
 
 `` What's worse than killing somebody? I mean, other than talking at the theater.'' 
 
 `` It, uh... You know, I think we should find a place to sit down.'' 
 
 I gestured him in and started toward the living room. There were a couple of empty pizza boxes sitting on the couch. I shoved them onto the floor while Joe took a seat in the recliner. 
 
 `` Okay, what's all this about?'' 
 
 `` Well... Okay, so, you remember last week we got that bag of googly eyes at the craft store?'' 
 
 `` Yeah man, googly eyes are hilarious!'' 
 
 `` Right? Well, I was out on the town last night, hanging out with Razz, putting googly eyes on stuff. The lamp post on Fifth, one of those orange traffic barrels, a mailbox...'' 
 
 `` Okay, and...?'' 
 
 `` Well, I ran out. So we went over to the craft store to get some more, but they were closed.'' 
 
 `` Joe, you did n't! A break-in?'' 
 
 `` What? No. Just, shut up. It's a long story, alright. Anyway, it's late. So Razz and I just figure we'll call it a night. I start walking home from the craft store, and you know the way -- there's that weird corner at Oak and Washington. Well, I get to Oak and go around the weird corner, and I see a light on over at that little strip mall -- the one with the barber shop. But everything over there closes at like 8:00. So I'm thinking, that's kinda weird, right? So I decide to cross the street and go check it out. Well, turns out there's this new place there. Some sort of antique shop or something. Sign says they're open. So I figure, hey, why not? Place is full of dusty old stuff. Books, furniture. I think they had an Atari. Anyway, this old lady -- tiny, just the smallest human being I've ever seen -- comes out from the back and asks me if she can help me find anything. She's got these huge glasses and she's wearing, I dunno, like, a robe, maybe? Something that definitely came out of a Hogwarts clothing shop.'' 
 
 `` Hogwarts is a school, Joe. They do n't sell clothing at the school. You buy robes at Diagon Alley.'' 
 
 `` Whatever, nerd. Point is, she asks what I'm looking for. And I know it's a longshot, but what the heck, I'm looking for a bag of googly eyes. So she disappears into the back of the store for like, five minutes. And then she comes back, and you wo n't fucking believe it, she has a bag of googly eyes.'' 
 
 `` No fuckin' way, man.'' 
 
 `` For real, man. So I ask how much, and she just says that I do n't have to pay right now. Seems like a sweet deal, so I tell her thanks and I get outta there. I have work to do.'' 
 
 The window caught my eye. `` Hey, is it snowing out? Bit strange for April, is n't it?'' 
 
 `` Stop interrupting. So anyway, I feel like I should n't waste these. I've got ta find a prime target. So I start thinking, what would be the best thing ever to put googly eyes on? Something that'll make the newspaper. So I get to thinking, and after a bit it hits me: the school statue. You remember the one, the bullfighter?'' 
 
 `` Yeah, that's the one we always used to climb on even though it had that'no climbing' sign on it. Third grade thug life.'' 
 
 `` Yeah. Well, here's where things get crazy. So I get to the school, and I'm climbing on the statue, right? And I get up on the bull's head, and I take out some googly eyes, and I stick'em right over the bullfighter's eyes. Classic. So I climb down, and I take a look at it, and it's just... It's missing something. So I climb back up on the pedestal, and I get out two more googly eyes, and I stick'em right over the bull's eyes.'' 
 
 `` Bullseye!'' 
 
 `` Right? It had to be done. Anyway, I do n't want to hang around too long, so I book it. Now I'm halfway down Jefferson, and I hear something coming up behind me. I figure it's a car, so I just kinda step off to the side of the road to let it pass. But it's not a car. You're not gon na fucking believe it, man.'' 
 
 `` What is it?'' 
 
 `` It's the fucking bull, man. The statue. It's charging down the fucking street. I nearly got gored to death!'' 
 
 `` Nuh-uh.'' 
 
 `` Yeah-huh.'' 
 
 `` No way, man. I think you and Razz had too much to drink last night.'' 
 
 `` Look man, I know how it sounds. It's fucking crazy. It's impossible. I did n't believe it either at first. That's why I turned around. It could n't be real. But then I saw him.'' 
 
 `` Who?'' 
 
 `` The bullfighter, man. He was standing in the middle of the street, just outside the school parking lot, waving this big red sheet around. And his eyes, man. The googly eyes.'' 
 
 `` You're messing with me.'' 
 
 `` No, man. Like I said, I did n't believe it at first. So I started heading back. It was way late, and I figured I must be sleep deprived. Seeing things. I'd get back to the parking lot, and he would n't really be there. He'd be up on the pedestal where he belongs. But he was just standing there, getting closer, still waving his red sheet... And then I heard it again. The bull. I jumped into the bushes to get out of the way in time.'' 
 
 Joe held up his arm and pointed to a tear in his jacket sleeve. 
 
 `` So I waited for it to pass again, just hiding out in the bushes, and then got moving again toward the school. And when I got there, I could not believe it. The pedestal was empty, man. I climbed up on it and everything to be sure. This was real.'' 
 
 `` So you've unleashed a magical rampaging bull on the city?'' 
 
 `` Oh, I wish that was the end of it, man. No, I had to find out what the hell was going on. I headed back to the strip mall -- to the weird antique shop. But it was gone, man. Like it never existed. It was right there between the barber shop and the record store two hours earlier, but when I got there, it was a Quizno's. I thought I was going crazy, man.'' 
 
 `` So what'd you do? Did you call the army, or did you just run right over to ol' Mike's house and figure he'd know what to do?'' 
 
 `` Look man, it's not that simple... I did not want those eyes with me anymore. That was some kind of demon magic that I did not want any part of. So I took the bag and I threw it into the woods. Only, the bag did n't stay shut...'' 
 
 `` So, what, there's a googly-eyed tree somewhere causing havoc within a four-foot radius?'' 
 
 `` No, man. The ground. They landed on the ground.'' 
 
 `` What are you saying, Joe?'' 
 
 `` The Earth, man. It's alive.'' 
 
 There was a long silence. The snowfall outside had turned into a blizzard. I leaned over a bit to dig through the couch cushions for the TV remote, and flipped it on. 
 
 `` -say that they have not yet found the cause of the erratic weather patterns affecting much of the globe, but will be working non-stop toward a solution. Quakes in California have caused it to separate from the continental United States, and the state is now drifting out to sea at an alarming rate. President-'' 
 
 The whole house shook. 
 
 `` -has issued a statement on the situation, declaring a national state of emergency. Reports indicate that much of western Europe has suffered heavy flooding, and Great Britain is expected to be entirely underwater in less than six hours. If trends continue-'' 
 
 A bolt of lightning struck nearby. The power went out. I turned to Joe with a vexed look. 
 
 `` I messed up, man... I messed up bad.''
