[ WP ] - The best psychiatrist of all time is asked to cure a very special patient : God

The Psychologist and God 
 
 `` Please, take a seat.'' 
 
 The man in front of Dr. Lewis sat down on the therapy-couch with a deep sigh. Lewis noted that his patient had an interesting sense in style; he was clad in a light blue suit with what looked like small blotches of white haphazardly strewn onto it and a tie the colour of gold. On his arm he carried a Rolex watch, which Lewis was quite convinced lacked hands. 
 
 `` So, May I ask for your name?'' Lewis said, as he brought out a notepad from his desk. 
 
 `` I go by many names. Some call Me Jehova, others the Allmighty and some simply call me God.'' 
 
 `` Possibly a narcissist'' was the first words the doctor wrote on his pad. 
 
 `` Ok, but what do you want me to call you?'' 
 
 `` Well, I like Steven. Solid name. You can call Me Steven.'' 
 
 `` Steven, we if I understand correctly, we are here to talk about your depression. Is that right?'' 
 
 `` Yes, that is correct. I´ve been feeling very down lately.'' 
 
 `` So tell me about this feeling.'' 
 
 `` Sadness. That´s what it is. Sadness. It´s all the pressure, you see. Everyone wants Me to do something for them. And they all want me to be in a certain way. `` God is kind'', they say, `` God is allseeing.'' And then they expect Me to do all these favours for them. But I can´t be all over the place, I do my best, I really do...'' 
 
 `` You feel like society is putting a lot of pressure on you. And then you feel like you can´t meet up to their standards, is that right?'' 
 
 `` Yes. I hate it. All the pressure. But I want to help them, you know, all the people... It´s just that...'' Steven trailed of and looked down at his shoes, which turned out to be sandals. 
 
 `` It´s allright Steven. You don´t have to live up to everyone ’ s expectations. I think that it´s very nice that you want to help people, but you can´t help everyone.'' 
 
 `` That´s what I´m supposed to do, isn´t it? Help people. Give them guidance in life.'' 
 
 `` What is it you do exactly? My file says `` management'', but that isn´t very specific.'' 
 
 `` I manage the Earth. Answer to prayers, make good in the world, `` be wrathful on sinners'' and all that.'' 
 
 `` Ah. I can see how that would put a lot of pressure on someone. Are you sure you want to stay on at this job, if it is making you feel like this?'' 
 
 `` No, no, I can´t quit. It´s not how this works. There´s noone to fire Me and I´m quite sure there will be no suitable replacement. I have to soldier through. It was so much easier before. Less people which meant less prayers, less work. I mean it´s not an impossible job. I gave humans a free will so I didn´t have to micromanage their lives. But you humans always want to bring pain and misery to each other and it makes me feel like I have to meddle somehow, try and lessen the suffering. But I´ve learnt to only meddle on a small scale and stick to the rules, My own rules. When you meddle big, there´s always a backlash. Like when I helped Romulus and Remus found Rome. That was meant to be a new chance for them. But what happens then, Romulus of course has to go kill his brother and goes on to found a bloodthirsty empire.'' Steven was getting more and more exasperated as he spoke. `` And then they don´t even thank me, the Romans. They start praying to these other Gods! Jupiter, Venus and whatnot. Ok, some of them are a decent, but the rest are just barbarians! You know, if this therapy doesn´t work, I´ll just go and meet Jupiter. After a chat with him I always feel a bi better about Myself. Compared to him I´m a real nice chap! Bloody plonker, that´s what he is!'' 
 
 Lewis scribbled some notes before taking a good look at his patient. Steven looked flustered after his monologue, but it seemed to have helped him get a bit off his chest. 
 
 `` I think what we are going to have to work with is your work-burden, Steven. From what you are telling me it seems like you need to take a new look at what should really be your responsibility.'' 
 
 `` But all humans are my responsibility! And when they hurt eachoher it makes me sad. Real sad. I sometimes think of ending it, but I suppose that would be deicide. And I´ve heard deicide is worse than murder so I can´t be going around doing that now, can I?'' 
 
 `` Have you been feeling suicidal lately?'' 
 
 `` No, no doctor. Don´t worry about that. I´m quite sure I couldn´t kill myself anyway. Where would I go for starters. Heaven? No, I think you might have been on to something when you talked about work burden.'' 
 
 `` Ok, let´s move back to that. You say that all humans are your responsibility, but that you also gave them free will. Don´t you think that would remove you from some responsibility? As you said, you can´t micromanage everyone ’ s lives, therefore you can´t stop all bad things from happening.'' 
 
 `` But I want humans to be happy. All humans. I´ve tried being all kinds of God over the ages, everything from a terribly angry deity who punishes all wrongdoers, to a God that tries to love all living things. And to be honest, being nice was best. But it´s also the hardest.'' 
 
 `` What if you were to try and fix things on a smaller scale. Go for as many small acts of kindnesses as you can every day. It´s not meddling on a large scale, but it´s doing as much good as you can with humans still retaining their free will.'' 
 
 `` But that wouldn´t stop wars from happening. It wouldn´t stop corrupt politicians try to earn money off of others suffering.'' 
 
 `` You can´t stop those things. Not without controlling the human race. But what you can at least hope for is that with each act of kindness, you are contributing to a better world. And that in the end, humans will sort thing out for themselves. I think that´s all you can demand from yourself.'' 
 
 Steven sat in silence for a while. He fiddled with his watch and, yet again, paid an awful lot of attention to his sandals. At last he looked up and cleared his throat. 
 
 `` Well, that´s something to think about.'' He said. `` I suppose that would make my work load a bit more bearable but I´d still have to live with-'' A look of panic commonly seen on tourists as they realise that they have left the gas on at home crossed Stevens´ face. `` Holy shit! I´ve got another meeting in five minutes!'' 
 
 He franticly looked down at his watch. 
 
 `` Oh Dear Allmighty Me! I really must be going. Thank you for this session, I look forward to My next one, but I really have to be going. You´ve helped a lot you really have.'' 
 
 And with that, he rushed out of Dr. Lewis´ office. 
 
 What an oddball, Lewis thought. He dearly hoped he had helped the poor guy somehow, he seemed ever so stressed. And according to the files he really was God. Maybe he should have taken him into a ward for safety´s sake. The fellow seemed harmless enough. He was clearly intent on continuing the therapy which was a good sign. Of course there was the matter of the next appointment. It was booked for the 23: d of November in 3000 years time... Ah well, it wasn´t like deities were low in the time department. 
 
 

