[ WP ] A frog tells you that if you kiss him , YOU will turn into a princess .

`` Do n't kill me, great mister! Please, I have children! Millions of children,'' the frog cried as I held it on a wooden board. 
 
 Grabbing a knife in my other hand, I grinned. `` I wonder if eating a talking frog gives me power.'' 
 
 `` Oh, by the Croaky gods, spare my life, I beg you! I do n't taste good, I swear. I taste like your poopers!'' 
 
 `` I've had to eat poopers sometimes to survive,'' I said, gesturing at the walls of my one-room hut. `` Out in this damned Vietnamese jungle, you eat anything that comes your way. Even those.'' I nodded my chin at a row of human skulls on a cupboard, next to a tattered military uniform. 
 
 The frog stopped struggling and shrugged. `` Fair enough. Go ahead. But you wo n't get rich.'' 
 
 I laughed. `` Get rich? Get real, froggy. Count the damned notches on my walls! I've been trapped in this country for more than forty years! All I want now is to sink my teeth into those legs of yours. Dinner is served!'' 
 
 `` Fine. Go on. You had your chance.'' 
 
 The annoyance in the frog's voice made me pause. Knife blade hovering over its neck, I said, `` Well, you are a talking frog. Maybe... what's this about me being rich?'' 
 
 `` Finally got through that neanderthal skull of yours, huh?'' When I growled, it began whimpering. `` Agh, I was kidding! Why're you so serious?'' 
 
 `` I'm angry when I'm hungry! Show me the money!'' 
 
 `` Okay okay, sheesh. It's not buried treasure or anything of the sort, if that's what you thought. All you got ta do is take your hands off me—'' 
 
 `` I may be wearing the pelts of wild boars, but I'm no idiot.'' 
 
 `` Fine. While keeping your absurdly invasive grip on me, you give me a kiss.'' 
 
 I stabbed the knife into the board next to its head, prompting it to scream. `` Do you want to know how many frogs I've eaten in my life? Eight hundred and forty-six! Look at the ceiling; see the notches? I remembered every single one of them, and how they tasted like. But you want to know what makes you different from them?'' 
 
 `` I can, uh, talk?'' 
 
 `` Cooked! Fried, roasted, grilled, barbecued, steamed, boiled! But you—'' The frog tried to shrink beneath my hand as I leaned closer to it. `` I'm gon na eat you raw.'' 
 
 `` Please do n't! I'm serious, all you have to do is kiss me, and you'll turn into a princess and be rich! I swear it on the Croaky gods! I swear it on my hyper-virile nads! I swear—'' 
 
 `` Wait, you said I'll turn into a princess?'' 
 
 It blinked and said carefully, `` Yes. But who cares, right, if you're rich?'' 
 
 Without answering, I raised him to my mouth and planted my lips on his. `` Do you want tongue?'' I muttered. 
 
 `` Ack, gross, your spit's all over me! Get off!'' 
 
 A tingle ran from my toes to my head, akin to that time I was standing on a treetop and got struck by lightning. My fingers went numb. Knife and frog fell from my limp hands, the latter hopping a short distance away before turning around. 
 
 `` It's working!'' it said. 
 
 I tried to speak, but only a croak escaped my lips. I could n't breathe. My throat constricted, tighter and tighter, so tight my head was going to pop right off... 
 
 It was morning by the time I woke up again. Blinking to clear the stars from my vision, I sat up slowly. My whole body felt lighter somehow. And then I noticed the long golden locks spilling over my chest and shoulders. 
 
 My chest. I ran a trembling hand over my breasts. `` I'm a woman,'' I said. 
 
 `` Told ya.'' To my surprise, the frog was still here, sitting on the board and watching me. `` Um, about the riches, well, there's still some succession paperwork—'' 
 
 `` I thought when you said'princess', you were being... metaphorical.'' 
 
 The frog gulped. `` In hindsight, I should've clarified. Please do n't eat me, princesses do n't eat frogs!'' 
 
 `` Thank you,'' I said. 
 
 `` No, I'm pretty certain they don't—hang on. Thank me? I thought—'' 
 
 `` A woman!'' I shouted, leaping to my feet and dancing around. `` I can finally touch a woman!'' 
 
 *** 
 
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