[ WP ] Death falls in love with you , but you 're very ill and want to die . He refuses to take you ( until ) ... .

We met when I was 22 years old. He was 27 and had a smile that both enchanted me and made me feel perfectly at home, like I was supposed to be standing there, right in front of him. Our first meeting was at a market where he worked. I couldn ’ t open a plastic bag to put my apples in and he came up to me and asked if I needed a hand. He took the bag and expertly rubbed it between his fingers, gave me a bit of a smile, and blew gently between his fingers, expanding the bag and opening it up. He snapped it in the air and handed it back to me, bowing down as if I were royalty, and I was and still am under his spell. 
 
 
 It was a chance meeting, before the digital age really sunk it ’ s teeth into dating and relationships. There was no online profile for me to learn about him and there was no texting app for us to chat through. Just old fashioned face to face conversation. He courted me for several months before asking me out on a proper date and we were inseparable ever since. He continued to treat me like royalty. His queen. Always respectful, always kind, and I knew without question that I was the most important person in his life. He was my king. He kept me safe and warm, even in the worst of times, and let me tell you, there were a lot of them. I both admired him and adored him. Other men caught my eye, sure, but none could capture my heart after I met Stanley. 
 
 
 He died 2 years ago. I knew it was coming but nothing prepared me for the emptiness his absence left in my heart. He was 86. We almost made it to our 60th anniversary of our first date, but a heart attack, and I suppose you, decided that his time on earth and with me had to end. He lived for a couple of days in the ICU before another heart attack killed him. These months without him have been difficult. There ’ s a constant ache in my chest that feels like a mix of anxiety and despair that, if I let it, would squeeze my chest until I could no longer breathe. I thought I would die before him. I ’ ve been fighting cancer for a few years now and I can feel my body succumbing to the disease. Always in pain, always tired. I have a nurse now that helps me, but before Stanley died, he took care of me. No matter how horrible I felt, that man could make me laugh. He put on a pair of my adult diapers over his slacks one afternoon and I laughed so hard, I almost needed him to change me out of the pair I was wearing. No one could make me laugh like he could. 
 
 
 I am telling you this because despite your best efforts, you will never mean anything to me. You whisper promises of everlasting life and no more pain as long as I return your feelings, but it won ’ t happen. I still don ’ t understand why you chose me to be the object of your strange affection, but I assure you, I will never reciprocate your feelings. You ’ ve been visiting me for a while now and I need to ask you, how many of these visits didn ’ t include me talking about Stanley? Not one. You ’ ve taken me to far off places in my dreams and have showed me unimaginable sights that I thought only existed in fiction, but when I wake up, my thoughts are of my husband. I have plead with you to end my life, but your selfishness has kept me suffering in the hopes that I will look at you as I looked at him. Have you ever felt heartbreak before? Longing? The deep hole in your heart that can ’ t be filled because the one you love isn ’ t the one who loves you? You are about to. You are about to feel the crushing ache of unrequited love. The sadness that floods your soul, if you have one, every time you visit me. I will remind you every minute you keep me alive of what you will never have. I will always be just out of your reach and mock your grade school crush, because you will never know the feeling of deep love and respect. Keep me hostage as long as you like. It will bring you nothing but pain. You will feel that mix of anxiety and despair and it will build with each visit. It will crush you if you don ’ t keep an exhausting vigil of barriers, borders, and redirection at the helm of your heart. It ’ s the worst feeling in the world and I am utterly delighted to be able to make you experience it as you have made me. 
 
 
 Go ahead and walk away. Leave me here at the hospital but know that those awful feelings you are experiencing are inescapable. They will hide in a corner at times, only to jump out at you when you least expect it and flood your soul like a sinking ship. And when I see the sadness in your eyes, I ’ ll laugh. Nothing will please me more than you see you in pain every single day. As long as I ’ m alive, your heart will break more with each passing hour. 
 
 
 What? You ’ re not leaving now? Don ’ t come near me. Don ’ t try to hold me. I will not embrace you ever. Let me go…….. 
 
 
 *Beeeeeeeeeeeeeppppppp*
