[ WP ] Due to an obscure ruling decades ago , it is legal to murder another US citizen . However , you must first prove that the world would be better off without that person . Judges hear hundreds of failed proposals a year , but this one is promising ...

Judge Holmes settled into his chair, looked down at the litigants before him, and sighed. `` For the record, this is case 17-PM-01389, the Petition for Authorization to Murder one Alicia Jeann Collins for being, and I quote,'a total heinous bitch.' Petitioner Samuel Collins is here representing himself, and the Advocates office has sent Mr. William Traxel to argue on behalf of Ms. Collins. Mr. Collins, you may proceed.'' 
 
 `` Thanks Judge,'' Mr. Collins answered. He tugged absentmindedly at his tank top as he stood to address the court. `` You see the thing is Judge, I've been married to Ali, er, Ms. Collins, for three years. And she's become a total bitch since we got married. Like, she used to make dinner all the time, and now she gets all up on my ass about making dinner more often. Then there's the fact that we have n't had sex in six months.'' 
 
 Mr. Collins rambled on, but Judge Holmes ignored him. He looked down at the case file in front of him, and the stack of other cases on the day's docket. This is what his career had been reduced to - telling dregs of society that they ca n't murder one another. Judge Holmes had never granted a petition, and he had no intention of ever doing so. As far as he was concerned, the only petition like this he would grant would be one to go back in time 25 years and execute the judge that invented this new doctrine. 
 
 `` And so that, Your Honor, is why you've got ta let me kill Ms. Collins,'' Mr. Collins concluded. He bowed awkwardly, then sat down. 
 
 Mr. Traxel stood. `` Your Honor, may it please the Court, William Traxel as court appointed advocate for Ms. Collins. Your Honor, in this case we have-'' 
 
 Judge Holmes raised a hand, quieting the Advocate. `` Mr. Traxel, far be it from me to tell you how to run your case, but you *are* going to keep it brief this time, yes?'' 
 
 `` Yes, Your Honor, I took your advice and rehearsed this morning. I'll be done in 25 minutes.'' 
 
 Judge Holmes sighed again. `` Mr. Traxel, I realize you only have this case for you today, but I have a stack of ten more files just like this after this one. And to be perfectly frank, Mr. Collins has done a perfectly fine job setting out the reasons why his petition should be denied. So say whatever you want to say, Mr. Traxel, but you have five minutes to do it.'' 
 
 A look of panic washed over the Advocate's face. He rifled quickly through his notes, then launched into his spiel, speaking as quickly as he possibly could. 
 
 Judge Holmes shook his head. Mr. Traxel was a young lawyer; one who had grown up in a time where petitioning the court to commit a murder was a normal part of society. As a result, he was, as far as Judge Holmes could tell, a believer in that system who saw it as his job to at once defend the system while nonetheless asking the court to spare the person he was advocating on behalf of. Judge Holmes made a note to speak with the District Attorney about reassigning Mr. Traxel to another division. 
 
 The Advocate finished his presentation, panting like he had just run a 100 meter sprint. `` Thank you, Mr. Traxel,'' Judge Holmes said. `` The petition is denied.'' Mr. Collins dropped his head in disappointment, then stomped out of the courtroom. 
 
 `` Next case on the docket,'' Judge Holmes continued, `` is the Petition to Authorize the Murder one unnamed child.'' A very pregnant woman waddled up toward counsel's table. `` Nope, nope, nope. I'm not falling for this one,'' Judge Holmes said. `` Take this little demonstration somewhere else. Not in my courtroom.'' 
 
 The woman sighed, turned on heel, and walked out of the courtroom. 
 
 Judge Holmes continued working through the docket, denying petitions at a steady clip. He got to the last case he had that day. 
 
 `` Next case on our docket is the Petition to Authorize the Murder of one Governor John Wilkins. Petitioner is here herself, Ms. Lisa Brown, and Mr. Alan Webster is here from the Advocate's office. Now, young lady, I have to tell you that we get pretty frequent requests to murder political figures in here, and that disagreeing with someone's politics is n't a sufficient reason to authorize a murder.'' 
 
 `` No, Your Honor,'' Lisa said. `` I actually agree with his politics. I'm here asking permission to murder my rapist.'' 
 
 ***** 
 
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