[ WP ] To counter Donald Trump , the Democratic party nominates Kanye West as their presidential nominee . This is their first debate .

Both in their best-dressed, Kanye's resting bitch face and Donald's waking hair, they stood ready at the podium. John Oliver sat at the desk, ready to mediate. 
 
 `` I'm going to be honest with both of you, this is not where I expected this election season to go. And I'm a little ashamed.'' Kanye was first to take the floor, and a beat kicked in. 
 
 `` I fantasized'bout this back in Chicago, 
 mercy mercy me that Murcielago, 
 That's me, the first year that I blow, 
 How you say broke in Spanish? Me no hablo.'' 
 
 He set his wireless performance mic back on the podium and returned to the center of the stage, wasting precious debate time as the clock wound down, along with the beat. `` Really, I've been thinking about the Presidency for a long time, ever since I apologized to Beck. See, if I was wrong about something like who's an artist, then I could be wrong about who should run this country. Now, the obvious answer has come to me. It's me. Thank me for my time.'' He took his place back at his podium, while the last thirty odd seconds ran off his clock. John Oliver sat stunned. 
 
 `` Well, Mr. Trump then, I believe it's your t --'' 
 `` Excuse me.'' The clock started. `` Mr. West brought up almost no useful information during his time, and I'd like to follow suit, although in a different fashion. I'd like to point out that he has admitted he ca n't speak Spanish, just like me. That means he's also a racist, just like me. The last line of his performance speaks not only to his racism but his unwillingness to fix the economy for minorities. He will tighten restrictions on the borders and outsource more of our businesses. I want to bring business back home.'' At this point over half of the audience in the bleachers had started crying in disappointment, though not loudly enough to be picked up by microphones. 
 
 `` Could we get some questions from the audience?'' John turned and saw only a handful of people that had resisted the small time that either candidate had been speaking. One of them, a woman, stood up with an index card with a printed question, and looked to the podiums. John got her a microphone and sat back. 
 
 `` Candidates, I'd like to know from each of you: What are your policies regarding immigrants that have come here illegally?'' Kanye slowly approached the woman, who was looking down and not paying attention to him. `` What kind of treatment will they get when the situation lands on your lap --'' The last few words faded as Kanye took her microphone, staring into the camera. 
 
 `` I'm not gon na let you finish, I just want the world to know that Beyoncé is the most beautiful woman who ever spoke at a Presidential event. Thank you.'' He passed the microphone back to the mediator. 
 
 `` Mr. West, you're really only supposed to answer the woman's question at this time, so I'm going to have to disqualify that answer, though it will remain on record.'' John looked to Trump, who was waiting to answer the question. 
 
 `` You see, the problem with immigrants is that they come into our country, and they take jobs from hard-working lower class peoples, and drive down wages, and they do low quality work which makes companies seek even lower wages in China. Then they complain about no work while they do n't realize that they've created this problem entirely for themselves. Before immigrants touched this country's soil it was rich in resources.'' Everyone who could still pay attention wondered if he was actually talking about the European immigrants. `` The American government does wrong by shipping jobs elsewhere and by allowing these scum to come across our borders.'' 
 
 `` Mr. Trump, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard.'' John kept a smile throughout his delivery. `` At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.'' Confetti rained down from the room while audience members rushed and two put John on their shoulders, carrying him to the center while the red, white and blue rained over the small crowd. `` And that's the show for tonight, everyone!''
