[ WP ] A man orders a `` cheese pizza with no crust '' from a local pizza delivery joint as a joke . Unbeknownst to him , that pizza joint is a drug front and he just placed an order for a kilo of cocaine .

After the initial shock wore off, Chad tried to make sense of what had just happened. 
 
 
 He'd ordered a pizza. A ridiculous order. Something the 17 year old on the other end of the line should have scoffed at and hung up. Instead, 2 men had come to the door. `` Thursday, we come back. Pay then, with the money or your life.'' 
 
 
 Chad had n't known what to say to that, thinking the kid on the phone had sent his pizza buddies to make a little prank of their own. Nope. Not that lucky. Inside the standard pizza box were dozens of baggies with a white, powdery substance inside. There were a lot of these baggies. Now, Chad had n't gone to college for nothing, so he had an idea what these baggies might contain. 
 
 
 
 After a moments hesitation, he knew what he had to do. He'd been out of college for a couple years, but it was always good to know a few people into darker things. He called Jenny - an old fuck-buddy whom had had quite the habit back-in-the-day, Thom - a ne'er-do-well who always had a scheme or a scam, and June - a stockbroker. He told them all that he needed them to come over as soon as possible. He knew they'd all stayed in or around the city, San Francisco had plenty of jobs for Stanford grads. They'd all kept in touch over the years, Chad had just seen Thom a few weeks past. One by one, they'd agreed to meet up the following afternoon for lunch. 
 
 
 
 They went to Tacolicous. Yes, it's pretentious, but it's San Francisco... What do you expect? Over margaritas and too-pricey tacos, Chad told them what had happened. June, always a little judgemental even on her best days, had a few choice words for Chad. 
 
 `` First of all, your 25. Why the fuck are prank calling pizza places? Second, you're an idiot. Third... Why are we here? `` 
 
 Chad responded, not a little sheepishly, `` I was bored and maybe more than a little stoned. Shit happens. And yes, I'm an idiot, I accept that. As far as why you're all here, well... I was hoping you'd help me get rid of this shit. I do n't really feel like dying. Hell, I do n't really feel like getting kneecapped or shanked or whatever-the-fuck these dudes do with people who do n't deliver. Before you ask why I do n't call the cops, well... Do you think they'd believe me?'Oh, yes, cops? I just happen to have about a thousand little bags of what I think is yayo, wan na come arrest me real quick? It'd take a huuuuuuuge weight, literally, off my shoulders.' No, no I do n't think that'd work at all. So, I called you assholes. Thom, you're the schemer. If these other two lively, beautiful, flawless beauties ca n't come up with something, I'm sure you can. As for you, Jenny, you had quite the, uh, nose for this particular indulgence back when we were dating. 
 
 
 Jenny interrupted `` We were n't dating, asshole, we were fucking. And yeah, I liked a little party back then, of course, it was fucking college. I quit years ago. Shit, I quit while I was still blowing you in the dorm stairwell. So no, I do n't know any fucking drug dealers. Except for my scumbag brother.'' 
 
 
 `` That's it! I knew there was a reason I called you!'' Chad smacked the table. `` Your scumbag brother is exactly the guy I need.'' Jenny looked at Chad like he'd lost his mind. 
 
 
 `` Andy is an idiot. A bigger idiot than you, Chud. He sells Molly to high-schoolers. He would n't know the first thing about moving a key of blow. Even if he did, I do n't really want him in on this. He's a fucking idiot. I think I already mentioned that.'' 
 
 Chad looked forlorn. `` But Jen... If he knows where to get E, he'll know who has coke. He'll know who sells it. I have 5 days to move more coke than I've ever seen in real life. If I had to move this on my own, I'd sell three bags and then run out of customers. Between you three and me, we can definitely sell all of it, but...'' 
 
 
 June held up a hand. `` Why am I here, bud? I'm a fucking sto... Oh. You just watched Wolf of Wall Street, did n't you?'' 
 
 
 `` Actually, it was Boiler Room. Fuck Leo was good in Wolf of Wall Street! I did n't think of that, but yeah. It's because of that.'' 
 
 
 June gave a way smile. `` Well, you know I ca n't sell it personally. I ca n't lose my job like that. But, if I introduced Andy to a couple of guys, I'd have that shit moved in about 2 days.'' 
 
 
 Chad beamed, and kissed June square in the lips. `` June, you're a fucking champ. The best around. If you were n't married to your job, I'd ben...'' 
 
 
 Thom cleared his throat. `` How much are we gon na make? Are we gon na cut it? How pure is it? Columbian? Russian? Afghani? How much did they say they wanted? We're lacking a bunch of info here, Chad. If we sell these lightweight stockjockeys, no offense June, some really pure shit and they start fucking dying, we're not really doing a great job. We need to know a lot of shit. And we need to know it fast. I've got a general idea of what a gram of decent shit goes for, about $ 50, but what do we cut it with? Aspirin usually works, but then we have to sell a whole bunch more. If we stomp it down to half, then we effectively have to move two fucking kilos in 5 days. Fuck that. We're not Scarface. So, we sell it as is. Do we plan on making money?'' 
 
 
 
 The conversation continued. They changed bars, went right up the street to Casanova, sat in a dark booth and schemed. They decided that Andy would make connections with June's co-workers. It was easy enough, those dudes loved to party. Andy had enough knowledge to undercut street prices a bit to entice the buyers, which helped move product quickly. It turned out Jenny still had some sorority sisters that liked a little party now and then, and she sold about 20 grams to them. As the deadline got closer, and with about 200 grams left, they pushed hard to sell as much as they could, vowing to have one last hurrah on Wednesday night, figuring if they got the math wrong, they might as well die stoned. 
 
 
 The party was a success. They invited some of the frequent buyers, figuring they could move the last of it there. 
 
 
 The night was a blur, but they sold or snorted the rest. They gathered the money, about $ 50k. And they waited for the knock. 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 And that was how, in 5 days, Chad, June, Thom, Jenny and Jenny's scumbag brother Andy each made about $ 4k in a week, and did n't get killed by Russian Mobsters.
