[ WP ] The nativity from the point of view of Joseph 's donkey

*I'm starving but this little human is in the way. * 
 
 First, they fill my trough with old hay, which I hate, but now they're putting a baby in it?! Am I supposed to eat the baby? I'm so confused. Frustrated, I kick and tussle around in my open stall. My thick sides smack against the walls. *Ugh* My stomach hurts so bad. 
 
 The woman and the man look exhausted. She is trying to rest on the blankets in the one of the horse stalls that the man had cleaned out. Every five minutes she gets up and checks on the baby. The baby is n't even crying. *Chill out, lady. Get me some food. * 
 
 The man is preparing for bed next to the woman. He stretches his back and I hear pops. It was a long day traveling to Bethlehem from Egypt. I do n't feel bad for him because I did most of the work. I swat a fly with my tail. A huge hunger pang lurches in my belly. 
 
 The night is finally quiet when suddenly a hoard of shepherds runs up to the stable. The bucolic group is out of breath. Joseph jumps to his feet with a pitchfork. 
 
 `` We're here to bring him praise!'' One of the shepherds cries energetically. `` Where is he?'' 
 
 `` Shh! He's sleeping!'' Mary whisper-screams at them. 
 
 `` Oh,'' a wave of disappointment washed over the group. 
 
 *Someone feed me. Please. * I let out muffled neigh. Joseph kicks my stall, `` You be quiet.'' 
 
 `` Can I help any of you gentlemen?'' Joseph says. 
 
 The shepherds dawdle and do n't know what to do. 
 
 The sound of Christmas bells ring from behind the stable. I hear a camel bray. Through the stable walls, I see three of them pass by with riders. 
 
 Turning the corner, three scholarly men halt their camels. `` Greetings!'' One of them calls. `` We come to bring the savior gifts!'' 
 
 Mary, flustered, yells quietly, `` He's sleeping! Not now.'' 
 
 `` Oh,'' they say and look at each other. The short one whispers, `` Where would you like the gifts?'' 
 
 Joseph puts the pitchfork down, `` Over here,'' he motions to my stall. 
 
 In a flash, the night sky lights up brilliantly. Dozens of angels shine above us. The leader turns toward the group and counts off, `` And a one, two, one, two, three, four -'' 
 
 They break into song with smiles on their faces. 
 
 `` Quiet!'' Mary calls to them with a hushed voice. `` Shhh! He's sleeping!'' 
 
 `` But he's not,'' the lead angel says. `` See?'' He illuminates the stable, shining light on the manger in front of me. *I need to lay down, but I'm afraid I wo n't be able to get back up. * 
 
 The baby is sitting up, as if he is waiting for a movie to start in the theater. 
 
 `` Oh, Jesus!'' Mary jumps up and goes to the boy. 
 
 `` There he is!'' The shepherds cry. The three scientists stopped in their tracks and stare. 
 
 The angels resume their singing. The shepherds begin yodeling a praise song. The wise men kneel and begin to chant. Joseph is the only one standing in the manger and he's looking around bewildered. He finds Mary and Jesus and goes to her. 
 
 My knees are shaking and I'm sweating. *I think I'm going to get sick. * 
 
 The three diverse groups of singers are getting louder. They are competing with each other. Looks are exchanged between them. The three wise men are losing their rhythm, the shepherds sound awful, and the angels are blaring their praise. They are worship-battling. My poor ears. I ca n't take it anymore. 
 
 My knees give out and I fall down with a crash. Everyone whips their heads to look at me, as they continue singing. On my side, I ca n't control my bowels. *How embarrassing! * Joseph gets up and runs to me. *I'm totally ruining this moment. * I feel faint. My rear end feels terrible, like something got stuck. *This. Is. Horrifying. * I'm sure the angels have the best view. The shepherds charge into the stable and encircle me shouting commands. I'm delirious. 
 
 Two burly men approach me from the behind. I kick one in the ankle. Joseph holds my head away so I ca n't see them. Then, in one swift moment, I feel my innards slide out of me. *WHAT WAS THAT?! AM I DYING NOW?! * Joseph lifts my face to show me. A little baby foal is flailing on the hay behind me. Through the crowd of men, I see Mary and the baby by themselves. Mary shakes her head at me and Jesus cuckoos and claps his hands. I black out. 
 
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 Merry Christmas. For the record, I had to watch a donkey giving birth YouTube video to understand how donkeys give birth.
