[ PI ] Virtual Dissonance – MarContest - 10613

Thanks for sharing your novelette. You've got a story that explores a speculative fiction idea that's seemingly not too far off from our near future, and it's clear you put some thought into how this technology might look and run. 
 
 I'm trying to give constructive feedback to all the stories I'm reading, so I'd like to offer you some suggestions for where I think you could add or improve on what you have. 
 
 What I struggled with most about your story was that as clear as it was that you put thought into how this technology operates, you did not do enough to communicate the technology to the readers. For example: 
 
 > They were Quantums, supercomputers that rendered a virtual reality. 
 
 This is the supercomputers' first introduction and this is all you say. For the driving plot device of your story, this needs a great deal of more explanation. The reader should get more than one sentence about them, especially in the first paragraph they are mentioned. 
 
 Same with Oliver's first `` dive'' into VR. It's really jarring, and not in a way that works. It's just confusing. You need to explain to your reader a bit more what's going on, how the system works, what this incognito mode does, etc. This is your reader's first foray into this VR world. Ease them into it. 
 
 The scene where Oliver's eating a bagel and observing the VR family seems to be to establish the feeling of realness in the system, but it's got some awkwardness, making me as the reader have to try to figure out its purpose in the story. 
 
 In terms of believability, the nurse should do more to try to stop Oliver from leaving the hospital if he really had a seizure. There would be a number of concerns surrounding him and his condition, and no good medical center would let him just check himself out after that. 
 
 When Oliver finds the element `` OralieG'' you need to provide more information what it is and what it's doing, communicating this through internal monologue, or in dialogue with another character. Otherwise, you're relying on your reader's knowledge of computers/coding/VR to fill in the gaps here. Someone who has done some coding might know what an element is, others will not. Plus, you're putting this coding term in a made up technological setting. So, since a lot of the stuff you're describing is fictional, your reader can not necessarily understand or follow what you're talking about. 
 
 How does Greal know Oliver's going to smash the Quantums? Though Greal appears to be correct, he just seems to jump to this conclusion unexpectedly. Also, people do n't seem as concerned as they should be that their VR system seems to have a self-aware program that is talking to them. 
 
 With the flashbacks, it's a little unclear at first what time each scene is in, such as when the guy attacks Oliver's car, and then the following scene, and again with the section that begins: `` Oliver waved, summoning a control panel.'' The story is jumping around and not providing enough context to the reader about what is occuring. 
 
 When Oliver is in the hospital again, it is unclear what he's arguing with Marcy about, or who Marcy is. Marcy was referred to earlier like his coworker, but in this scene in the hospital Marcy seems like a family member. 
 
 Also, what was the point of the line about Marcy: `` He glared at Marcy, whose breasts bounced with every jump. How many will realize too late that she, was a he?'' Oliver seems to be expressing some resentment against Marcy here, but it's not clear why. Marcy's gender identity does not seem to have any relevance to the plot, but it's still brought up in a few different ways. Elements of a story, such as character details, should work in a way that establish character in a significant sense or further the details of a plot. You can have characters of any gender in your stories, but if the story makes a big deal out of their gender identities, it should be relevant to the plot or character development in some way. 
 
 Similarly, why does Oliver have a stutter? I liked that he had a stutter; it's unusual. But, still: what is that detail about his character accomplishing? Again, this seemed like a red herring detail about the character that is not actually relevant to the story or character development. 
 
 Let me be clear: you might have a very good idea of what these details are doing in your story, but if there is a purpose, it is not being communicated to your reader ( me ). No matter how fleshed out a story is in your head, all that detail needs to make it onto paper, or it might as well not exist. 
 
 The action scenes with the fake Oliver and Oralie attacking Oliver need to be more fleshed out. They were hard to follow. 
 
 In the scene where Marcy and Oliver are drinking bourbon in VR, there seems to be some implication that drinking in VR affects people in a real way. This needs to be made more clear. Also, there's a line—'' Drew gulped bourbon straight from the bottle'' —where Drew suddenly appears when he did not seem to be in the scene before. And later, when they leave VR, he seems to be drunk. So it is confusing as to what scenes he was present in. 
 
 I'm not 100 % clear on what Oliver ultimately did in the system. I get he cleared some data, but the other Oliver says `` so you actually did it, erased your past, my future.'' Did he delete the other Oliver? At first I thought he deleted and erased himself, but then he's still alive. It's really unclear and confusing. 
 
 A random character, Gloria, shows up when he exits the VR. She was not present in the rest of the story. What's the point of her? Why is she here and nowhere else? A character in a story needs to serve a purpose. 
 
 Finally, I'm really not sure what to make of the end. Again, I think this is a place where your story struggles with being too vague. 
 
 Overall, your story feels like a bare bones outline. There are so many parts that need further explanation. From places that need more description, to places where there are questions raised by the story that remain unanswered, the story feels like there's a lot more to it that's being left out. Aside from basic plot smoothing out so the story flows better, mostly as your reader I wanted more explanation of the LEA-L system, how it works, why it's being developed, etc. A lot of what draws people to speculative fiction or science fiction is the technology these genres explore. You need to work in more details about the system as you go. In doing so, you can connect in how Oliver and Oralie got to working together on the system, tell some more of their backstory before her death, etc. You have a bit in your story already, but some more would help to booster the emotional elements of your story. 
 
 A few more general observations: 
 
 > Drew sighed, watching him do the deed. 
 
 > but still he muffed her name. 
 
 There were some awkward parts like these. 
 
 > Greal talked along the way but he became deaf. 
 
 Vague pronoun reference. I assume `` he'' refers to Oliver, but it should be specified to avoid confusion since there is more than one male character present. The following four paragraphs were confusingly vague as well. When you are dealing with two or more characters in a scene who have the same gender, you must be very clear who your pronouns refer to. If it is not clear, or there is a chance for confusion, replace the pronoun with a name or change the sentence construction. 
 
 > He groaned, waiting for the dizziness to fade before doing anything else. The LEA-L system used to disconnect on an unstable connection, now it takes moments of standing to resync his senses to the virtual world. 
 
 Tense shifts in a few different parts of the story. 
 
 > At the back, a door ledading to another room, where the dive beds laidie. 
 
 > He watched play with her black hair 
 
 > Only when he pulled away, he saw shower tiles grout. 
 
 > Water flung from his pant legs with each step the door. 
 
 > Somehow she stepping through the door, her arms open wide. 
 
 General proofreading. I found more, but you get the picture. 
 
 Again, thank you for sharing your story. I hope you find my thoughts and suggestions useful. 
 
 Cheers!
