[ WP ] That secret you said you 'd take to your grave ? Now you 've met your maker , and they are asking you to explain yourself

**Law and Lucifer** 
 
 
 “ What… What happened? ” my thoughts were in a frenzy. It ’ d all happened so fast. The last thing I remember was driving my 2004 Corolla back home after a really long day at work. I looked around me and noticed that I was on a large field covered in a thin veil of mist that smelled of sage. All around me, the mist clouded my vision. 
 
 “ Welcome, mortal!! ” a loud voice boomed off in the distance, parting the mist. 
 
 “ Where… where am I? ” I asked in cutting tones. 
 
 “ You, my friend are unfortunately but unmistakably dead and I am God. ” 
 
 “ I can ’ t be dead. I just can ’ t!!! There is no such thing as God ” I lashed out at the mysterious voice. 
 
 “ You got ta move on. That ’ s the best way to cope. I am God and atheism is a crime. Anyway, we ’ ve only got about 10 minutes for your case. Let ’ s make this a fast one ” the voice said in a bored tone. 
 
 My sight cleared and I saw that I was in a large courthouse. In the judge ’ s seat sat an old, bearded man with kindly eyes but fierce ridges on his forehead. He flashed me a knowing wink and beckoned me forward. 
 
 The jury were people I had known in my life. Two people waved at me, smiling grimly. I realized that they were my dad and my aunt. 
 
 “ Shit! I ’ m really dead!! Dammit ” I thought to myself. 
 
 The judge, who I guess was God spoke “ Jim, now you need to choose a side. Choose well ” 
 
 Where the lawyers usually were, there was a man in a black business suit with a cruel grin. He wore a red tie and had horns growing out of his forehead. There was also another man who wore a white, flowing robe. This man had a halo around his head and had a gentle look about him. 
 
 It was really a no-brainer. I took my seat next to the man in white. 
 “ Let the record show the defendant has chosen to plea a ‘ heaven ’ defense ” said my lawyer who introduced himself as Michael. 
 “ Hey, I thought you were an archangel. Why ’ re you defending me? ” I asked my attorney. 
 “ Man, times are hard. I ’ ve got ta take care of my family, ya know. Plus your wife really prayed that you wouldn ’ t be sent to hell ” said Michael in a slurry voice. 
 So my attorney's a stoner. Great. 
 
 “ Order! Order! The defendant and his attorney will not speak! Lucifer, opening arguments, and keep it short ” shouted the judge. ” 
 
 “ Of course, ya honor. Jim here led an OK life, decent except for one small detail, a single flaw in an unusually decent life - ” 
 “ I said, keep it SHORT ” boomed the judge. 
 “ Sorry ya honor. Jim here committed adultery on his sweet wife who was so naïve that she never found out. Also, she paid for Jim ’ s representation. He also murdered his mistress after she threatened to tell Jim ’ s wife about the affair. You ’ re a bad guy, aren ’ t you Jim? Give up this case and just come with me -. ” 
 “ Objection! Lucifer is badgering the defendant ” Michael shouted to the Judge and was rewarded by a nod from Him. 
 “ Okay, okay. The defense will make its plea and then it ’ s time for sentencing. ” 
 
 I turned to Michael, who looked really drunk “ What do we do now? ” 
 “ Man, I ’ m sorry but your wife just found out you were cheating on her. She just revoked her prayer. You ’ re on your own. I ’ m legally required to sit here until after the sentencing though. Good Luck! ” 
 “ Crap!!! My lawyer just bailed on me and now I got ta defend myself… Hope I don ’ t screw this up ” 
 
 I prepared myself to give an emotional speech about why I shouldn ’ t be sent to hell. 
 “ Your honor, I know I cheated on my wife. I admit that. But I never killed the girl. Lucifer is lying! My only crimes were being an atheist, and sleeping with another woman. I only did it once and after that, nothing happened. I constantly involved myself in charities and I always did good. I ’ m begging you, don ’ t send me to hell!! ” 
 
 “ LUCIFER!!!! If I find you ’ re lying, I ’ ll take away your parking spot. You ’ ll have to walk all the way from Hell!! Jim, now that you ’ ve made your statement, your deceased peers will decide if you ’ re guilty. Let ’ s take a 5 minute recess to let the jury decide Jim ’ s fate ” the Judge slammed his mallet down. 
 
 The entire courtroom faded in mist again. I was left sitting next to Michael. 
 “ Dude, what happens next? ” 
 “ Hey man… I don ’ t give free legal advice but right now, I ’ m off the clock. They ’ re gon na decide if you ’ re guilty or not and then they ’ re gon na sentence you. The Big Guy really hates cheaters though. The last guy was sentenced to demon poop duty. Not fun, I can tell you ” chucked Michael, puffing on a joint. 
 “ Dude, that sucks! I don ’ t deserve this - ” 
 
 A gong sounded off in the distance and this mist cleared again, interrupting my pleas. The judge looked really sleepy. I guess eternity of sitting in on court cases eventually got boring. 
 “ Has the jury reached a verdict? ” 
 “ Yes, your honor. On the count of murder of the foulest degree, the defendant is innocent. Your honor, Lucifer wasted our time on that one ” 
 “ Noted. Lucifer, you ’ re walking back home!!!! ” bellowed the judge. 
 
 “ On the count of adultery, the defendant is found to be GUILTY ” 
 My heart jumped in my chest “ What ’ s he gon na do? ” 
 The judge stood up and glared at me. 
 “ Jim. It appears you ’ re guilty. Usually, I ’ d just ask Lucifer here to throw you in hell for a millennia but I need to take special consideration because you lived a mostly good life. This is a tough one. I really like your wife, she ’ s one of my favorite subjects. Let me think… ” 
 A grin played on my face. Maybe he ’ s not gon na condemn me to eternity in hell, or worse, poop duty. 
 
 “ I ’ ve made up my mind. From this day forward, you ’ ll carry Lucifer between court and Hell on your back. This will represent the pain you ’ ve caused your wife. When your wife arrives, you ’ ll apologize to her and she ’ ll decide if you get to enter heaven or if you ’ re gon na burn in hell. You ’ ll live in court for now, working as our poop cleaner. Court adjourned! ” 
 
 Michael prodded me “ Told you he ’ d give you something poop related. I do think your wife will forgive you though. All the best ” 
 And so began my new life as Lucifer ’ s personal vehicle. Damn, I hated him. I also scrape poop on the weekends from the court ’ s floors. I sure hope Kathy forgives me. 

