[ WP ] Epic Rap Battles Of History ... And Fiction !

The Dread Pirate Roberts vs. Captain Jack Sparrow 
 -- - 
 **Roberts** 
 
 Just sailed in from Florin City and what do I see? 
 
 A warthog-faced buffoon where a Pirate Lord should be! 
 
 I've been marauding 20 years and I ai n't never lost a fight 
 
 You had four movies and still could n't get your makeup right! 
 
 I have the strength of a giant and the wit of a Sicilian 
 
 You found an Aztec chest with six or seven million 
 
 Dollars in gold, that you could n't even spend without getting cursed! 
 
 But even though your fortune was reversed 
 
 You ended up in Hell and I can already tell 
 
 You could n't rhyme as deep as me if you were in a diving bell! 
 
 -- - 
 **Jack** 
 
 A dread pirate like you should know Hell is Davy Jones's Locker. 
 
 But here's a shocker: `` There's a shortage of perfect knockers?'' 
 
 Your girlfriend thinks you're dead and that's the way you say hi? 
 
 Oh, and next time you should have the balls to *actually die! * 
 
 I resurrect like Jesus and I drink stronger booze! 
 
 The devil fought me only to lose! 
 
 I got off an island using turtles for shoes! 
 
 And I have n't even mentioned how Roberts is n't your real name - 
 
 Seriously, notoriety is lame if people do n't even know your identity! 
 
 Get off the sea and leave the rhyming to me. Savvy? 
 
 -- - 
 **Roberts** 
 
 I've spent the last few years building up an immunity 
 
 To jokers like you who sail around with impunity 
 
 Thinking they could understand the power of love 
 
 You could n't find a girl who fit you if she was a glove! 
 
 Fine, you got me - I'm the latest in a long line of nautical lyricists 
 
 Busting rhymes and crooked princes without using my fists! 
 
 I can talk my way out of a sword in my face - 
 
 Put me in an enemy castle and soon I'm runnin' the place! 
 
 You can steal away my life and I'll be back to slap you quick 
 
 Here, I'll prove it - suck a couple decades out of my dick! 
 
 -- - 
 **Jack** 
 
 Where the flying fuck is Florin? At least I ai n't got ta 
 
 Make up countries to fight! Try the British Imperial Armada! 
 
 Get back to me when you're done schooling poor, lost circus performers! 
 
 I've known embraces ten times warmer than some girl from a farm 
 
 Hanging decoratively on your arm - 
 
 Pirate queens and voodoo priestesses that can do way more harm 
 
 Than Billy Crystal in a filthy Renfair outfit! 
 
 You sure that chocolate miracle pill was n't a load of bullshit? 
 
 Call Fezzik and tell him you need a ride home in his wheelbarrow - 
 
 You'll remember this day as the one where you almost beat MC Sparrow.
