[ WP ] An overly excited sports commentator narrates the life of an average Joe .

`` Wow ladies and gentlemen, Mike is really pounding into this girl. He's tapping that ass like Excalibur.'' 
 
 `` Frank would you care to clarify that metaphor for the audience?'' 
 
 `` Sure thing Ted, Mike is tapping that ass so hard and so deep, that whoever manages to pull him out will be crowned the King of England.'' 
 
 `` Well, he's certainly going at it with some vigor Frank. I do n't think we've seen him fuck someone this enthusiastically since the first few months of his marriage.'' 
 
 `` I'd definitely agree with that. Things have certainly cooled off with him and the wife in the past year, since she started growing so distant and cold to him for working those late hours at the office.'' 
 
 `` Wait a minute!'' The girl under him went rigid and she started pushing on his shoulders. 
 
 Mike froze and pulled out. `` Hey what's wrong... gorgeous is everything okay?'' 
 
 `` No, everything is not okay! What the fuck is this bullshit about you having a wife?!'' She glared at him. 
 
 `` What?'' Mike felt his blood run cold. He did n't know what to do. `` Who said anything about a wife?'' 
 
 `` The fucking sports announcers!'' Her icy glare somehow mixed into his confusion making things even worse. 
 
 `` Um... I'm not sure what that even means.'' 
 
 She tilted her head a moment, then locked eyes with him again. `` Just tell me, do you have a wife? One that you've been having trouble with in the past year? Because she resents you for working long hours.'' 
 
 It started to slowly dawn on him, that something truly fuckin' crazy was going on here. `` I... do n't know what the fuck you're talking abou...'' 
 
 She held up a hand for silence and tilted her head again. `` Then tell me this, can you even remember my name?'' 
 
 Mike fumbled through his mind. Surely he could recall her name. They'd talked for two hours at the bar before he'd worked up the courage to go in for that kiss. Why the hell could n't he think of it. 
 
 Finally she huffed. `` I'm taking your silence as a no. Listen, just put your clothes on, get the fuck out, and forget we ever met, okay?'' 
 
 As he walked to the bedroom door, Mike paused `` Hey, for the record, no, I do n't have a wife and I'm really sorry that I forgot your name. You seem like a great woman, but I think you should get some help, because you're talking crazy.'' With that, her turned back to the door and walked out of the apartment and her life. 
 
 As he got into the cab, Mike wondered what the hell that had been all about. The weird thing was, that she'd been half right. He had been spending a lot of time at work lately, that was part of why his friends had talked him into going out drinking tonight. Glen had joked that he'd wind up in his mid 40s and still single if he was n't careful. If she'd been completely wrong on both counts, he probably would n't feel so shaken up about this... but then again how hard was it to guess that a random guy from a bar was over worked? How hard a guess would it be that he was cheating on a wife he'd never mentioned. Maybe this was part of some weird game she played, and every now and then she seemed right on the money and some poor sap felt like he'd bedded a psychic. 
 
 Either way, he was probably well and good not to get entangled with a crazy bitch like that. 
 
 
 ********** 
 
 Stefani cried into her pillow. Why did it always end like this? What was wrong with her? Maybe that guy was right... maybe she should get help. 
 
 `` Would you look at that poor girl Frank? I tell ya, that Mike asshole really did a number on her.'' 
 
 `` He sure did Ted, and I'll bet ya anything that he's headed out to another bar to find some other poor girl to trick into some cheap sex. The night's still young, and Claire wo n't be expecting that cheating asshole to come home for hours yet.'' 
 
 `` Too true. And meanwhile, poor Stefani is left in his wake, sunk into shame and despair and thinking once again about using the 38 Special that was left to her when her father died in that car wreck. She's imagining how easy it'd be to pull it out of the drawer and end her pain.'' 
 
 `` Such a sad state of affairs Ted. It seems like she'd be better off using it on that asshole Mike, or some other guy like him. Make the cheating bastards of the world pay for what they do.'' 
 
 
 ******* 
 
 She startled into an awakened stupor. When the phone rang again, she fumbled for it. Good, god, what time was it? It had to be 3am or so. Who would be calling at this ungodly hour? 
 
 She picked up the phone as it rang for a third time, and heard loud sobbing. `` Hello?'' 
 
 `` Aunt Mary?'' She could barely make out the words through all the tears and panting. 
 
 `` Who is this... Stefani?'' 
 
 `` Aunt Mary? I'm so... I...'' 
 
 `` Stefani? Calm down honey. Breath deep, and tell me what's wrong.'' 
 
 There was a series of ragged breaths before Stefani tried again. `` Aunt Mary, I'm so sorry to call so late. It's past midnight here, so I know it's got ta be even later over there, but I need someone to talk to.'' 
 
 `` It's okay Stef. What's going on.'' 
 
 `` I... I think I'm hearing voices... like in my head. I have n't been... feeling right for a long time. Since before dad died. I'm... oh god... Aunt Mary, I just wan na die. I hurt so much every day, I just wan na die... and I almost... I almost...'' She broke into tears again. 
 
 Mary spoke softly. `` It's gon na be okay honey. Just tell me what I can do to help.'' 
 
 A few minutes later, Mary held the phone in one hand, and that cell phone that Dave had got her for emergency purposes two years ago. She'd had to fish it out of the car, and the cordless had almost lost the call. She kept talking calmly to Stefani while she called 911 and had them connect her to a dispatcher out in San Diego. 
 
 When the sun came up she was finishing the call with the dispatcher who'd given her the number for the facility where Stefani had been taken and was trying to look up flight information on the computer. Dave came into the den, with that tired look he usually had after a graveyard shift. He froze when he saw her. 
 
 `` Honey? What's wrong?'' 
 
 She finished with the dispatcher and set the cell phone down. `` Dave, you need to talk to your bosses about getting some time off. We got ta fly out to California and go see Stefani.''
