Show me short fantastic descriptions of unbelievably large events . Physics optional .

Hey kids, 035fun here and today were talking about the sun! `` The sun!'' You say. `` But Mr. Fiftyfun, we know all about the sun! It's a bright happy ball of warmth and light that makes plants grow and wears sunglasses!'' WRONG MOTHER FUCKER! The sun is fucking METAL as SHIT. Its a constant nuclear explosion that's been happening for five fucking billion years and it ai n't half done. 
 
 First off, lets get the obvious out of the way. You ca n't look at the sun. You can not look at the sun. You will go BLIND if you look at the most important, life giving thing in the solar system. The sun will literally strike you blind for looking at its glory, you unworthy swine. 
 
 [ Look at this Godamn shit. ] ( http: //www.davidicke.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/legacy_images/stories/Feb20115/xapp-1273516872-solar-flare-and-prominence.jpg ) That's the sun shooting off a tornado of fucking fire bigger than the Earth. Just flinging that shit at us at 500 km a SECOND. That shit makes Ragnarok look like two kittens fighting and the Sun just flings them out there like singles at the titty club. As a fun side effect, flares are usually associated with coronal mass ejections, which cause the sky in frozen inhospitable wastelands to light up like a Floyd laser show. Guess the sun ai n't all the bad, huh? ALSO WRONG. A direct hit from one of those Jupiter sized fire balls would knock us back into the fucking stone age by running a current through THE ENTIRE ATMOSPHERE OF EARTH strong enough to fry the entire grid. They're happening at a rate of about three a day this year. 
 
 So why does the sun hate us so much? Because we stopped worshiping it? Ha, like the nuclear explosion in the sky gives two shits about us. Different latitudes of the sun rotate at different rates, so it's magnetic field gets all twisted until up til it says fuck this and just flips out. The sun deals with its problems by hurling death at everything. 
 
 Oh, its totally gon na fuck the Earth right out of existence, too. When it runs of out of hydrogen, moves out of the main sequence and into the red giant phase, right? Ha, you wish we had that long! The sun is constantly getting hotter at something like 10 % per billion years. In about a billion years, Earth will become so hot, water molecules wo n't freeze in the atmosphere and fuck right off into space. Say goodbye to water kids! Assuming androids had taken over by that point and survive the lack of water, they get treated to two billion years of the Earth becoming a more and more hell blasted desert until it becomes hot enough to melt the crust. Two billion years after becoming a lava planet, the sun will finally permit the Earth to die, vaporizing it in a wall of plasma ~186 million miles tall. All that will be left of the Earth is small increase in the metal content of the sun. Yes, it will destroy our entire planet, and only get about.01 % more METAL as SHIT for it. 
 
 Recap! The sun is the source of all life, will blind you if you look at it, will kill us all with fire and famine ( If it does n't fireball us to death first ), and then destroy the entire planet. The Sun is an angry Norse god, not your friend. 
 
 FUCK I love the fucking Sun! Ya know nuclear fusion, which would solve all the energy problems on Earth but is near impossible to accomplish? The sun did that just by being so big hydrogen did n't have a fucking choice in the matter and started fusing. 
 
 edit: Ignore the source on that picture, the pictures accurate.
