[ WP ] You are abducted by aliens . While aboard their ship , you are chosen to give the alien elders a 5 minute pitch as to why the human race deserves to survive .

``... and remember,'' Rachel says, `` make sure to make eye contact. Walk in, give them a winning smile. Do n't hem and haw so much. You're always hemming and hawing.'' 
 
 I've been enduring a steady stream of Rachel's advice for hours, and I'm almost glad I'm about to get to leave. Even if the fate of humanity does hang in the balance. 
 
 The door opens. A greenish squidlike thing that slowly changes colors waits for me. A mechanical voice from an orange device it holds announces. 
 
 `` WELCOME CHOSEN HUMAN REPRESENTATIVE. PLEASE FOLLOW ME AND I WILL GUIDE YOU TO THE ELDER'S ROOM.'' 
 
 `` andmakesureyourpostureisgoodstandstraightupbeconfidentbutnotarrogant—'' 
 
 The door slides closed behind me, and the squid-thing oozes forward. I smile a little. For all of Rachel's micromanagement, it's not her walking in to argue for humanity's existence. It's me. 
 
 I feel a surge of pride that probably is n't a good indication of humanity's future. 
 
 It's weird, being led down this hall. I'm nervous, of course. Extremely nervous. But my nerves do n't correspond to the gravity of the situation. I've never been this nervous, but I *have* been nearly this nervous when I was giving my eighth grade science presentation. This is orders of magnitude more significant, and my brain just ca n't muster the appropriate level of stress. 
 
 Another door opens. The squid thing stands to the side. 
 
 `` PLEASE ENTER.'' 
 
 I walk into the room. It's extremely intimidating, but after a few moment's I start to feel some of my nausea fading. Not that it's less stressful, but the moment is here. 
 
 *Just this left now*, I think. *No more preparation, no more Rachel. Just my brain in between the most advanced weapons I know of and the human race*. 
 
 *How comforting*. 
 
 I straighten my back, and look at the elders. They look like bigger squid things. They're pretty ugly. 
 
 *Do n't even think that. They are wonderful. They are your audience. You'd better deliver*. 
 
 `` Hello,'' I say. 
 
 `` HELLO. YOU ARE FREE TO BEGIN. YOU MAY ASK US QUESTIONS AT ANY TIME, BUT THE TIMER WILL CONTINUE DURING THAT TIME.'' 
 
 `` So,'' I say. I can almost hear Rachel screaming. *'' SO! YOU STARTED YOUR PITCH WITH'SO'? `` * 
 
 `` Humans,'' I say. `` It may not look like it, but we've done some pretty cool stuff. We built the pyramids— and that was when we were just getting started as a species!'' 
 
 `` WE ARE AWARE. WE BUILT THEM.'' 
 
 Welp, that was awkward. 
 
 *Sorry, guys*, I think. *But in my defense, maybe humanity is n't so great after all. Maybe the universe really needs more squid things. * 
 
 `` Um,'' I say. I hear Rachel screaming at me in my head again. `` Um, well, we made the Internet.'' 
 
 `` WE TOO INVENTED RAPID COMMUNICATION. IT QUICKLY ALLOWED OUR SPECIES TO EXCHANGE SCIENTIFIC INFORMATION. WE THEN DEVELOPED OUR NEW TECHNOLOGY AFTER A FEW YEARS. WE HAVE NOT SEEN ADVANCED SPACE OR WEAPONRY TECHNOLOGY FROM YOU. WHAT TECHNOLOGY HAVE YOU USED YOUR'INTERNET' TO DEVELOP?'' 
 
 `` Um,'' I say. `` Um, well, I think we use it for communication between our researchers.'' 
 
 `` THIS IS NOT PARTICULARLY IMPRESSIVE.'' 
 
 `` Um,'' I say. `` Well, we're pretty good at developing weapons technology. If we had access to your science, I'm sure we could—'' 
 
 `` WE ARE NOT INTERESTED IN GIVING OUR SECRETS TO SUCH A VOLATILE SPECIES.'' 
 
 Fair point, but ouch. 
 
 I desperately try to remember ideas I've been brainstorming for weeks. 
 
 `` We have artists,'' I say. `` Artists who can create incredible—'' 
 
 `` WE ARE NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR'ART'.'' 
 
 `` We have beer?'' 
 
 `` OUR RACE IS NOT CAPABLE OF EXPERIENCING PLEASURE.'' 
 
 *What? * 
 
 `` Um,'' I say. I'd sort of been relying on the pleasure thing for many of my backup answers. 
 
 `` Humans are interesting! We do weird things, we're hard to predict. I'm sure you would be interested in observing us.'' 
 
 `` WE DO NOT WANT TO LEARN FROM SUCH A SPECIES.'' 
 
 I try to continue thinking of arguments, but I've developed something of a mental fixation on beer. Classic. Humanity will be doomed because I could n't get a mental grip on things. 
 
 `` We could serve you guys,'' I suggested. `` Humans are pretty good at pampering.'' 
 
 `` WE HAVE ROBOTS TO TAKE OF THE NECESSARY NEEDS.'' 
 
 Man, I could n't even sell us into slavery? That had been my last resort. 
 
 I guess I was relieved in a way, though. That would've been depressing. 
 
 `` Um,'' I say. `` Um.'' 
 
 The elders are silent for a bit as I try to gather my thoughts. 
 
 `` IF YOU HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO SAY—'' 
 
 `` Warfare!'' I gasp. 
 
 `` WE HAVE ALREADY DISCUSSED IT.'' 
 
 `` No,'' I say. `` We can be used as weapons. You guys have all the weapons *now*, sure. But sometime someone's going to start developing things that can compete. We can be your backup plan. Say what you will about humanity, but we *survive*. If your enemies start developing shields that work against your weapons, just send some of us in. We'll start taking their resources, trying to make our own way there. Sure, they might kill the colony. But all the stuff we've just talked about? It's proof that, as a species, we mess things up. We mess *everything* up. Make use of that. Let humanity be another weapon in your arsenal.'' 
 
 The elders consider my statement. 
 
 *** 
 
 `` Okay,'' I tell Rachel. `` So I've got good news and bad news. The good news is, I saved humanity. The bad news is, you're not going to like how.''
