[ TT ] I was only 22 years old when I died the first time . It was strange the first time I came back .

EU ( Ghost in the shell ) 
 
 Dying was strange. 
 
 I saw the ground coming up for me. Someone caught my head and slammed it against the ground. I did n't feel anything, of course. I had my body calibrated to ignore pain signals beyond a certain threshold. I heard my headplate shatter, scattering bits of simulated skin across the ground. My visual centres simply fuzzed out before blacking out altogether. I felt someone shift my body around and then a sharp crackle as something broke through my chest- 
 
 Then I woke up, unable to move. 
 
 I do n't remember what happened the exact moment my body unit got destroyed. I just woke up back at headquarters- the last few seconds of data missing from the unit I'd lost in the field. 
 
 I could n't see anything. I could n't feel anything. 
 
 I was just in a dark, empty place for almost too long before the recovery unit started downloading me into a temporary frame. 
 
 I saw something briefly. I do n't know how it happened- maybe a stray signal or something- someone reaching down into my broken field unit and peeling off the skull plate, rooting around inside my discarded cyberbrain- 
 
 *I... am dead. I'm also alive. Maybe. * 
 
 I did n't understand. I felt my limbs twitch and flail wildly. Everything felt wrong- different. Wires detached from the base of my new body and I fell to the ground inside the recovery unit. 
 
 *Am I in the recovery unit? Are n't I also lying in an alley somewhere, having my body ransacked for parts? Where am I? * 
 
 I did n't understand. I curled up inside the narrow space in the unit and refused to open my new eyes. It was too confusing. I did n't know what to do. 
 
 The seal of the recovery unit parted and the hatch drew back. I sensed light on the skin of my new body but I did n't move. 
 
 `` You're alive.'' Someone said, `` Just dreaming. Pretend you were just sleeping in this unit the whole time.'' 
 
 I crawled to my feet, leaning against the walls of the recovery unit. One of my hands clutched the frame of the unit, feeling new and soft. 
 
 `` But I was n't dreaming.'' I could n't help but say, `` Someone is inside my head, taking me apart-'' 
 
 I flinched as I felt someone rooting around my system, suddenly locking me out. My eyelids opened without my input and I stared at the maintenance worker in front of me. 
 
 She looked at me expressionlessly, holding up a scanner which she waved in my direction. 
 
 `` Pretend it was just me all along.'' she said idly, `` Can you get out? I need to prep this unit in case someone else happens to conk out in the field.'' 
 
 She released me from her control. I stumbled forward, trying to get used to the new body. It was different, a standard body of a standard height and size, nothing more than a mannequin to stand in for the real thing. 
 
 *This is n't me. This is n't me. This is n't me. * 
 
 My hand twitched erratically. Shivering. I could n't stop it. The maintenance worker saw I was taking too long to get out and tugged me out of the unit, stepping inside to fiddle with something in the dark. 
 
 I stumbled past the coffin like recovery units and out into the corridor outside the recovery unit room, searching for the way to my bunk. I was supposed to go to the debriefing room to wait for the rest of the team to return. I kept getting automatic reminders appearing in digital windows on the walls in my vision but I ignored them. 
 
 I was thinking about erasing this whole incident actually. Maybe my mind would come to terms with this better if I just did n't have to think about it. 
 
 But I could n't. 
 
 I knew I had to do this again, probably. My line of work was dangerous. I had to keep working to maintain my body, to get better upgrades for myself and my family. 
 
 *Dying. Alive. Dying again. And again and again. * 
 
 I'll die again some day. I do n't want to have to feel this way ever again so I ca n't erase this memory file. 
 
 Maybe it will actually stop hurting eventually.
