[ WP ] He sees you when you 're sleeping . He knows when you 're awake . And Santa , low on funds to pay his elves , has begun selling his surveillance data to the NSA .

Santa swayed into the Hoboken Diner, nudging his way past a group of drunk college students. 
 
 “ Bunny… Fairy… ” he acknowledged the two sitting at a battered booth in the corner as he rolled up. Fairy had a chocolate milk. It was 1AM. 
 
 “ You ’ re late, ” snarled Bunny. 
 
 “ Given the circumstances, I didn ’ t think you ’ d mind, ” smiled Santa. 
 
 A grueling, 18-month process had brought them to this point. First there was the Request for Proposal, then there were the meetings in Washington – so many meetings – then contract negotiations. 
 
 “ We have a deal, ” announced Santa, sliding two manila envelopes to the Bunny and the Fairy as he slid into the booth. “ You ’ ll find your task lists, requirements and wire confirmations for the first round of payments in there. ” 
 
 Fairy giggled with glee as she tore open her envelope. She was already quite the rich fairy, having dominated the market for tooth enamel in her day. As she saw the wire confirmation, she grinned widely, like Mary Lou Retton celebrating a perfect 10. 
 
 “ This will help, ” she intimated. “ We ’ re hemorrhaging money when the kids lose their first tooth. I mean, it ’ s okay to throw them a few singles when they lose a tooth, but the moms are freaking out if I leave less than a sawbuck when their precious snowflakes lose their first one. Holy shit. ” 
 
 “ Indeed, ” nodded Santa. 
 
 “ I ’ m getting totally fucked on this, ” said Bunny, slamming his plate of carrots and causing two hookers sharing a Reuben at the bar counter to look over at the crew. 
 
 Santa ’ s tone changed. 
 
 “ Let me remind you that $ 100 million is nothing to sneeze at, ” he said forcefully, through clenched teeth. “ And the data you ’ re contributing doesn ’ t amount to a fart in the wind compared to what Fairy and I have to come up with. ” 
 
 Santa composed himself. 
 
 “ Let ’ s go over the deliverables, shall we? ” 
 
 The three reviewed the details. The NSA had bought in at the Platinum Level. No later than January 15th, they would receive high-resolution photos of every member of every household worldwide. Each individual photo would also be accompanied by name, address and lat/long geographic data, as well as an N/NI rating – a number from 0-100 that Santa had sold in as a “ proprietary naughty/nice index, available exclusively. ” 
 
 By May 15, Bunny was responsible for the mid-year refresh of the data. While hiding eggs, he was supposed to take updated photos and note any address changes. 
 
 And then there was the coup de grace: DNA. As children lost their teeth, Fairy was to catalogue each tooth, batch them up in 250,000-tooth bundles and ship them to a facility in Vietnam, where DNA samples would be taken and uploaded. From there, the Vietnam plant would drop-ship the teeth to Fairy ’ s other enamel processing plants for the usual prep, to be sent out to dental implant companies as raw material. 
 
 “ Remember, the DNA cataloging is an ongoing process, ” Santa reminded Fairy. “ You hit a quarter-million teeth, you ship a package. Don ’ t fall behind. ” 
 
 Santa had set up the Vietnam operation himself, right next to the manufacturing facility that was outfitting the Elf on the Shelf program. At the moment, they were busy manufacturing millions of stealth digital cameras, with WiFi capabilities. The Elves would become a critical part of the 2017 program, which would provide video surveillance, digital photos, and enhance the N/NI data from Thanksgiving through Christmas Day. On an ongoing basis. Another Santa Data Consortium exclusive. 
 
 “ We good? ” Santa asked the other two. 
 
 “ Yeah, we good, ” Fairy said, folding her wire confirmation in half and stuffing it back into her envelope. Bunny nodded reluctantly. 
 
 Santa rose with difficulty, then walked toward the door of the diner. 
 
 “ Oh, and one more thing, ” he said, turning back toward the group. “ Merry fucking Christmas. ” 

