[ WP ] You answered that giraffes were extinct on a school test , and failed the test by one point . Instead of retaking the test , you 've decided to take it upon yourself to make your answer correct .

Rupert Langley, a defense attorney involved in one of the most bizzarre cases of animal cruelty this world has ever seen sat at his desk pinching the bridge of his nose in agitation. Across from him sat a girl no older than seven - the buckles on her tiny white shoes barely scraped the floor. 
 
 `` Miss Tiffany Angsley,'' he chiseled in to his nightmares, `` would you please tell me about your involvement with the...?'' 
 
 He lifted up the paper in front of him to see big, watery eyes attached a splotchy nose, a regal head with stubbed horns, all of which were attached to a long graceful neck lacking a body. 
 
 `` Giraffes,'' he continued, `` suddenly... going extinct?'' 
 
 `` I dunno watcha talking about mister.'' She said with the innocence of a coyote in a nursery. 
 
 `` Okay,'' he said, `` this is going to go much better for both of us if you are completely honest with me. Right now.'' 
 
 The child's grin went still. Her eyes twinkled with the light of a thousand dying stars - if stars had fur, that is. And really long necks. 
 
 `` Why do n't we start with the wikipedia articles you edited?'' He asked, going for a softer opening. 
 
 `` I just wrote that,'Giwaffes smell like nutgoo'.'' She said. 
 
 Rupert shuddered at the word. 
 
 `` What else?'' He asked. 
 
 `` When that got removed, I went to the public library. I asked the lady at the counter if she had any books on killing Giwaffes. I guess she thought I meant elephants, because she showed me a few good ones about them. Then I saw that most of the elephants were gettin' gacked for their tuskses. I copied what I read about it in to the article,'cept about Giwaffes and it did n't get taken down for a whole month.'' She said with proud scholarship. 
 
 `` Okay,'' Rupert said, bravely seeing what waited under the bridge, `` and then what happened?'' 
 
 `` What's alternative medicines?'' She asked. 
 
 `` Well... uh, it's not like when you go to the doctor, and the doctor gives you medicine because you're sick, and it will make you better. It's more like when someone sees a rock, eats the rock, and is relieved to learn that rocks prevent earthquakes at their home in Florida... because there are no earthquakes after they eat it.'' He said. 
 
 `` Sounds dumb,'' she said, scowling a little, `` but whatever, a bunch of those people started pububilshing articles online. They used my entwee on wikipedia as a source, and wote a bunch of stuff about how eatings the Giwaffes were done by old guys in India or something.'' 
 
 Rupert wanted it to end there, but there was another folder he had looked through earlier about what happened after. 
 
 `` And what did you do next?'' He asked. 
 
 Tiffany tugged at her tiny dress, and said, `` That's all mista lawyer. Am I twouble?'' 
 
 Rupert looked blankly at her. 
 
 `` Tiffany,'' he said evenly, `` cut the cute-kid shit please, and tell me what you did?'' 
 
 Her eyes flashed like an active volcano. 
 
 `` Fine,'' she said, `` when the shitheads started saying that eating giraffe hoof cured cancer, I told this Chinese kid two grades above me I'd kiss him if he wrote an article in Chinese about how giraffe meat and horns cured floppydick. He did, and then he helped me put it on the internet.'' 
 
 Rupert frowned. At least the monster was out in the open, but... 
 
 `` And then?'' he asked. 
 
 `` I went to a zoo.'' She said, glancing around as if looking for eyewitnesses. 
 
 `` Right, let's see,'' Rupert said, pulling out a medical report, `` you then suffered a bite from a Giwaffe... excuse me, a Giraffe.'' 
 
 She laughed at him, and nodded. 
 
 Rupert continued, `` You also suffered a really bad Staph infection that required hospitalization.'' 
 
 `` Ha,'' she laughed, `` yeah, I did.'' 
 
 Rupert eyed her with suspicion. 
 
 `` You were n't really bitten, were you?'' He asked, his shoulders drooping for his fellow man. 
 
 `` Oh, no I was,'' she corrected, `` but I had to slap the momma Giraffe in the face with a stick. When it bit me I just rubbed some dirt in it and hit the bites with a rock a few times to make em' look worse. I made sure the news teams got good pictures of it.'' 
 
 `` I... that's actually really clever,'' Rupert said, terrified, `` So you then brought this to anyone's attention you could?'' 
 
 `` Look dude,'' she said with impatience, `` I got shows to watch, can we speed this up? Lem me' at least get to the good stuff before I go, okay?'' 
 
 Rupert was uncharacteristically accepting of this new course, if not the attitude, or the way she said'good stuff'. 
 
 `` Fine,'' he said, `` please proceed?'' 
 
 `` Alright,'' she cleared her throat, `` Fast-forwarding past the fake facebook articles, the increased hunting, the purging of the zoos for fear of more accidents, I get to my big break-through. Turns out there's a lot of fun diseases out there giving the *po' widdle giwaffes* a hard time. Also, there's a lot of different kinds of Giraffes they do n't tell you about in schools. Kind of stupid, I think. By this point, all but two of the major colonies were gone from hunting, blah blah blah. I learned that one of them caused some disgusting cancer growths on their bodies, and that they got it from these birds, or ticks, or screwing in the bushes or some shit. Anyway, I got some - do n't ask where - and mailed it out in food-care packages to a bunch of places where they still lived in the wild. No one thought,'Hey, that's funny, this girl from California is sending us badly sealed flour'. All I had to do was wait.'' 
 
 Rupert simply stared at her, not hearing the words anymore. 
 
 `` I think we should continue with our next appointment,'' he began to say, but was interrupted. 
 
 `` WAIT,'' yelled Tiffany, `` That's not even the best part. There's only like twenty-something left in the whole world at that point, right? That's functionally extinct, but I like to finish what I start. I sent a letter to the news team that originally covered my near-fatal bite, and told them I wanted to say how *tewwible it was that all these giwaffes was dyin and stuff, even if they neawwy killed me*. Then - get this - I got a bunch of people to round up donations of shit they said Giraffes liked to eat, laced that shit with the rest of my stash of Giraffepox, and got myself on camera mailing the packages to the zoos that still housed them! And they fed it to them! I got them to kill them for me, and they thanked me for it! Can you believe that shit?!'' 
 
 She rolled off her chair holding her sides from laughing. Rupert puked in his mouth a little. 
 
 `` You're a monster,'' Rupert said, `` I'm still going to defend you in court, but I need you to know that you are a monster.'' 
 
 She stopped laughing, and got back in to her seat wearing a tiny smug smile. 
 
 `` Maybe,'' she said thoughtfully, `` or maybe it's the dumb bitch that marked me wrong on a stupid test two years ago when I said they were - I bet she's feeling awesome about that right now. Do n't you?'' 
 
 Rupert drank himself to sleep that night.
