[ WP ] `` You had ONE job ! '' both Satan and God scream at you .

“ Foolish child. You have no idea what you have done. ” 
 
 “... well of course he does n't. Man was created in your image remember? So it's no wonder he's a blithering idiot... ” 
 
 The stars flared brightly with anger. 
 
 “ You are in no position to talk! Even this mess is nothing compared to your past failures. Now can we please focus? ” 
 
 As they bickered for a few moments I took the chance to take in the very strange happenings of the past few hours. I was in a car, just driving along from home to work. Nothing special was happening with me or the world, it was basically how it always was. Then... something happened, I'm not sure what, and now I'm here. 
 
 And I'm reasonably sure that God... and Satan... have manifested themselves in this... um, place? And are currently laying into me because of something I've done. Or not done? I have n't figured out much more beyond that. I do n't really want to either, this alone is crazy enough to convince myself that I've lost my damn mind. 
 
 * ” Failures! Are you talking to a mirror? Last I checked your pets still do what they want – and not even your son getting nailed to a cross helped get them all back! ” * 
 
 Yeah they're still at it. 
 
 So... that's God then. He... or rather It... is n't what I imagined. I'm suspended in some sort of empty space, and in the distance a swirling galaxy of stars, planets and such speaks to me. With every word it “ says ” every star brightens just that little bit more, like a pulse on a fancy stereo facing. And the sound it makes is really something. It turns out the voice of God is a collection of voices, as if a huge choir is speaking to me directly, in perfect unison. 
 
 Satan seems more familiar. Looks like the stories of the fallen angel are on the right lines, though I would n't say he resembles anything as ah... handsome as earthly depictions make him out to be. His skin is charred to the point he should really not be moving at all. Then all over his form, stripes of melted metals. His chains that kept him in the fire when he attempted his rebellion back in the day. He, like me, is just floating there in this void. I'm going to go ahead and call it some sort of pocket dimension, Gods equivalent of a boardroom. 
 
 * ” Now is not the time for this! You never even try to understand the big picture do you? Anyone with a peanut brain could tell you that revolt was doomed to fail. ” * 
 
 I can only guess it's been sometime since they were last in the company of each other. Which makes it all the more worrying that something really bad must have happened for them to tolerate being in the same space. And for some reason, it's something to do with me. 
 
 “ So... um. What did I not do exactly? What's going on? ” 
 
 I should probably have left them to argue a while longer. But I do n't see an exit here and I want to know why two of the most powerful entities in existence have it in for me. Both of them stopped arguing and turned their attention back to me. 
 
 “ How can you not know!? Did you not see the signs? We both sent them to you! ” 
 
 I reflected hard on my life to this point, speeding through memories of childhood. Old friends, jobs, times I was in trouble, girlfriends... I do n't recall seeing signs. 
 
 “ I'm not aware of any signs. Can you give me an example? ” 
 
 There was a deep rumble, like a planet crashing into another. I suppose it's the universe's version of a hard exhale. Satan floated into view, somehow he was allowed to move around in this space. 
 
 “ Fine. Listen well sheep. Some years ago I sent a familiar to you. One of my best. She contacted you directly and gave you instruction. ” 
 
 “ What now? Familiar? The only girl who could possibly be... oh. Are... are you saying I've slept with a demon!? ” 
 
 “ The sex is irrelevant. It's what happened after. She practically spelt it out for you! ” 
 
 “ She spelled out nothing! We met at a party, she came back to my place and we had a good time. By the morning she was gone and I never saw her again. *Sigh* holy crap... I ca n't believe it. I suppose it does explain the claw marks in the wall... ” 
 
 “ QUIET IDIOT! She DID give you instructions! Does the Elder Gods ring any bells? ” 
 
 The Elder... Gods. They ca n't possibly mean... 
 
 “ We had a bet. Full ownership of the universe and every soul contained within. One shall be picked out from the flock, and they will decide the winner. Starting to make sense now, numbskull!? ” 
 
 No, no it was n't. I thought she was just drunk. She droned on about the Elder Gods coming back and threatening to devour everything but I never took it seriously. Why would you? God once again chimed in. 
 
 “ You had ONE. JOB. Mortal. Be at Las Vegas when the clock struck midnight on 20th August. The centre of sin on the year of their birth. Satan's servant told you. Every crowd you walked past, every open magazine in your view. All of it showed you Vegas, and all of it showed you the date. And still you did nothing! ” 
 
 OK, this was getting ridiculous. 
 
 “ So wait. This was all a game? You gambled the fate of the entire universe and picked out me for a *game? * ” 
 
 “ You can never understand. There are rules. Rules we all have to abide by. ” 
 
 “ Well then your rules suck. How can either of you be so stupid? ” 
 
 Yes. Here I am talking back to God and Satan combined. But c'mon! Who would make a crazy bet with another pantheon of Gods over the future of everything? And on top of that, of all the things you could do, you choose something as obscure as trying to hint an idea to a single human being in a world where'coincidences' exist. 
 
 By now the universe that was God is showing all sorts of bizarre colours and lights. It was either very, very angry or going on some sort of LCD acid trip. Satan appeared more calm, perhaps the sight of his old enemy losing It's mind pleasured him just enough to not go through the effort of tearing me to pieces. 
 
 Once Satan got a proper eye-full to commit to memory, he turned back to me with a disturbing grin. 
 
 “ What's done is done. Soon they will be here to begin feeding. I should ensure that your last moments are filled to the brim with pure, agonising pain. But... there's no point. Divine Justice has no effect here. 
 
 No. Instead I'm heading back home. And I shall initiate one last celebration of sin while God over there has a *heh* crisis. You are welcome to join me sheep, I'm sure my servant will be happy to see you again.'' 
 
 Hmm. Stay here with God as It goes insane. Or to Hell for an end of existence party... with the possible chance of going out with a bang... 
 
 This message was easy to pick up.
