[ WP ] A game of Dungeons and Dragons gets a little to serious when Ryan 's neighbor Galgamorth the orc shows up and starts criticizing the game for its inaccuracies .

`` Hey guys, this is my new neighbour, the one I was talking about, Galga.'' 
 The small group of thirty-something roleplayers turned their eyes on the new player; a stocky, green-skinned humanoid with a topknot, layered runic tattoos, small upturned tusks and an incongruous pair of wireframe spectacles. 
 `` Uh... hey man,'' managed Garth, the DM, `` sweet cosplay?'' he sounded uncertain, `` uh, I think Ryan might have put you wrong dude, this is n't LARP, this is tabletop. Ryan, you wan na show him the bathroom so he can get changed?'' 
 The orc's black eyes widened and green nostrils flared, 
 `` Firstly, I'm a woman. Males have *much* larger tusks. Secondly, I ca n't take off my skin any more than you can.'' 
 `` Woah, OK there dude,'' Garth backed away a couple of steps, `` it's getting all tumblr up in here. If you wan na cosplay a female orc, I'm cool with that bro.'' 
 Galgamorth turned to Ryan, 
 `` I knew this was a mistake,'' she whispered. 
 `` It's cool Galga, just ignore his bullshit for now - he'll come around.'' 
 The orc pulled up a chair, which creaked ominously as she placed her muscled bulk on it. 
 One of the other players sniggered and muttered something about pies. 
 A low growl escaped the throat of Galga and the skinny roleplayer had the good grace to look alarmed, then a little frightened. 
 `` I can bench four times your body weight,'' she hissed, jabbing a clawed fingernail at him - painted with hello-kitty decals - `` that is, if you weigh more than a hundred and twenty pounds, soaking wet.'' 
 `` Uh, let's get started,'' Garth looked expectantly at their guest player. In response, she reached into a small pink backpack and produced a character sheet. Garth took it, looked it over, then frowned, 
 `` You're playing an *elf*?'' 
 She stared at the DM, perplexed, 
 `` What of it?'' 
 `` You're not, uh, playing an orc?'' 
 `` Why would I want to play something I already am? Is n't the point of this to get away from reality?'' 
 Garth lifted his hands defensively, 
 `` OK man, whatever! Let's just get moving.'' 
 He turned a page in his carefully handwritten notes. 
 `` The cavern is cold and dank, the rotting smell of an orc midden permeates the air as you pick your way over the scattered bones of their victims.'' 
 A disgusted noise issued from Galga's direction. 
 `` Excuse me?'' inquired Garth. 
 The orc woman sighed, 
 `` My people do n't create middens; they discovered sanitation thousands of years ago and dig latrines connected to septic holding areas, which are drained every few months. Also, we do n't just toss bones around like wild animals - the bones of our food are composted for calcium to help our crops grow.'' 
 Ryan elbowed her, but she did n't feel it through her thick green hide. 
 Garth and Galga stared at each other for several long seconds before he looked away. 
 `` OK *fine*. The cave smells pleasant and homely. There are no bones on the floor, just the arms and armour of fallen heroes.'' 
 `` We recycle.'' 
 `` *No* arms and armour of fallen heroes, just the memory of valiant heroes, who tried to protect the kingdom from the orcish scourge.'' 
 `` Actually, we have historically *never* been the aggressors,'' Galga shot back, `` prejudice and fear have always been the motivators for attacks on my race.'' 
 Garth slammed his rulebook shut and overturned his DM shield. 
 `` Look man, you're gon na have to leave.'' 
 The orc woman quirked a tattooed brow at Ryan, 
 `` I told you so. I knew this would happen.'' 
 Garth was standing now. 
 `` Bro, you have ten seconds to get out before I throw your fat, tranny, otherkin ass out of here.'' 
 Ryan winced. 
 It was over in seconds. One minute Garth was poking a pencil at Galga's chest, the next minute he was on the floor, sans arms, his head being thrashed with the wet ends of his own limbs. 
 `` Shit,'' whined Ryan, `` I ca n't take you anywhere.''
