[ WP ] You are legally allowed to commit murder once , but you must fill out the proper paperwork and your proposed victim will be notified of your intentions

The conference room began to fill up a little past 10am, the scheduled time for the HR meeting. Phillip found his seat and took out a pen and moleskin notebook. The more experienced administrators piled around the breakfast buffet, loading up on cheese danishes, donuts, fruit, and coffee. They knew once the show started they could not get back up. Phillip did not like to eat in the morning, and found that the food offered at these meetings always looked unappetizing in comparison to the stale procedure of the human resource department ’ s presentations. 
 
 Waiting for the employees to find their seats, Gregory pressed his collated paperwork to the front of his khakis. He did not like public speaking, but the rest of his department assured him that he was the best speaker amongst them all and that his voice was very attractive. He agreed to take the position as the main representative of HR on the condition that someone would have to buy him lunch after each appointment. The office agreed, and rotated who would buy Greg lunch. Today was Matthew McCassland ’ s turn. 
 
 “ Did everybody help themselves to breakfast and coffee? ” Gregory asked. Benjamin held up a half-eaten apple turnover in his hand and received a light chuckle. Gregory smiled. “ Great. So, today we ’ re meeting in light of a new policy regarding the Legal Homicide Act. So that we ’ re all on the same page, does everybody understand what the Legal Homicide Act does? ” Everyone in attendance nodded. Reading off of his paperwork, Gregory continued, “ The Legal Homicide Act set the precedent that every citizen is allowed to kill one person legally in their lifetime. While the Legal Homicide Act is still being rectified in light of some unforeseen consequences of the new law, it is apparent now that the law is here to stay. Because of how the act changes the relationships between human beings on a fundamental level, the… ” Gregory found a typo in his written presentation. He shook his head and continued, “ the company has to also change to reflect the new law, so there will now be changes in company policy to make sure our employees can work in a safe, productive environment. ” 
 
 Gregory picks up his projection screen clicker and hits it. The title for the powerpoint presentation is called “ Human Interaction in the Workplace and the Legal Homicide Act. ” Gregory turned to the group. “ As many of you know, killing recently has become rampant, and government legislation is beginning to roll out addendums to the law inhibiting where murder can occur. Until the law is corrected, murder is technically legal in the workplace. We at T & G Partners have come to the general consensus that the fear of murder and conspiring to murder are unproductive ways to spend company time. ” Gregory hits his clicker and brings up the second slide: “ Interaction amongst coworkers. ” Greg continued, “ Policy will change to reflect the law, and T & G Partners will not condone the conspiracy of murder or the act of murder in the workplace. 
 
 “ Living in fear that one of your coworkers is plotting to kill you can interrupt workflow. To protect your interests as an employee, conspiring to kill someone you work with will be a punishable offense, ” Greg interrupted his presentation, reread the next portion of what he has written down, and continued, “ If you have already submitted to kill someone in the office, it is mandatory that you consult your HR representative to resolve the issue in the best interests of both parties and the company. ” He paused to let the statement sink in. Someone coughed. He continued, “ Likewise, if you heard that someone is plotting to murder you, you can contact your HR supervisor and then we will make an appointment to sit both parties down to see if the issue can be resolved in a productive manner. ” 
 
 Gregory hit the next slide: “ Murder outside the workplace. ” “ We can not influence your actions outside the workplace. However, policy will be changed to reflect the use of time off. If you mean to kill someone and are thinking about using accrued vacation time to do so, then that action is permitted. ” Greg turned the page of his notes. “ However, you can not take sick time off to murder someone. If it comes to the attention that you lied about a sickness to murder someone, that will count as a punishable offense and there will be consequences. As always, if you are sick, please bring in a doctors note. ” Greg thought for a moment about something he wanted to add. “ Likewise, you can not use bereavement time off to kill someone, either. ” 
 
 Phillip raised his hand. A couple of the other administrators turned to him and then back to Greg. Greg pointed to Phillip and asked, “ Do you need clarification on these points? ” 
 
 “ Yes. Let ’ s say that during your off time, you wanted to kill someone that worked in the office, and they were out of the office too, is that against company policy? ” Following his question was the shifting of feet, and a loud laugh from Hank in sales. Phillip immediately regretted his hypothetical question. 
 
 Greg stared at Phillip for a moment and then looked at the other HR representatives. They looked at Phillip and then back to Greg without answer. Greg thought momentarily and then answered, “ Technically, you are free to do what you want during your free time, but why would you want to kill one of your coworkers? ” 
 
 Phillip began to sweat, clicking his pen rapidly. He answered, “ I don ’ t want to kill anybody. I just thought the policy needed clarification. ” Hank from sales chimed in, “ Look out everybody, we got Ted Bundy working in accounting. ” Everybody laughed. Greg smiled, and turned to the HR reps who were not smiling, then turned to Hank, “ Knock it off, Dexter. ” Everybody laughed harder. Greg smiled harder, then continued. 
 
 At the end of the meeting, Phillip was approached by Kim Walsh, one of the assistant managers. “ Hey Phillip, how has your first month been? ” She asked, nursing a cup of coffee. 
 
 Phillip smiled politely at her and said, “ It has been great. Everybody in the department has been wonderful and I ’ m learning so much. ” 
 
 “ Great. How ’ s Aaron? ” 
 
 “ Aaron ’ s great. He and I had lunch at Banditos the other day. ” 
 
 “ Okay, great, ” She gave him a slap on the shoulder, “ Keep up the good work. ” After speaking with Phillip she walked over to Gregory and the other HR representatives. 
 
 Phillip found Aaron, talking to Hank. “ Does everyone think I ’ m a murderer now? ” He asked his acting supervisor. Hank laughed again. Aaron smirked, sympathizing with the uninitiated newbie of the office culture. “ Nobody thinks you ’ re a murderer. You are probably in the periphery of HR right now though. I wouldn ’ t doubt that you will be requested to have an additional appointment with them soon. ” 
 
 After work, Phillip drove home with a pit in his stomach, knowing he just jeopardized his job. He checked the mail, hoping to find a letter stating that someone was going to put a bullet in his head tonight. He walked his dog, went back in, and buried his face in a couch cushion for an hour. He checked his work email, finding no request from HR for the appointment. He refreshed his email every hour until dinner. 

