[ WP ] One day your guardian angel appears and tells you about all the kick-ass protection you 've been getting .

Another day of masturbating. I wish it was someone else. Oh well, got ta use it, otherwise I'll lose it. The strokes become faster, I swell turgidly, bend myself in pleasure. As the levee's break, the room is filled by with a strange, golden luminescence. I shriek in a strange sensation of elation and horror as an average looking, hairy man swells out of my penis in place of my load. 
 
'Hello, Joe.' 
 
'WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU!' 
 
 He snaps his fingers, and I am calm. All horror recedes, I am at peace with this penis dwelling man. 
 
'I am your guardian angel' 
 
'Those exist? I thought they were simply tales for children?' 
 
'Well, as you can see, I'm not exactly the rapturous cherub you see everywhere. I'm more of a pal, hangin' out in your dick and makin' sure nothing bad happens to you.' 
 
 He was a pal. I knew he was saying all of these absurd things, but I was comfortable with them, as if we'd been together a long time. How long? There was a creeping sense of - what was it? I felt afraid, not of him, but of something else, an impending disaster it seemed. I guess I would find out eventually. 
 
'But, why my dick? Does everyone get a Guardian?' 
 
'It is all the lords plan. I'm here to make sure you get into heaven bud' 
 
 Heaven. The word had been on the tip of my tongue since he had came out of me, but it had be out of reach, more of a distant idea. The thought of afterlife hung on him, a nauseous awareness of my own mortality. 
 
'So the afterlife is real? What is it like? What are the rules?' 
 
'Woah there buddy, I ca n't tell you too much, just know that Heaven is pretty cool, and that I'm here to make sure you follow the rules and do n't screw up' 
 
'And what happens if I screw up?' I knew the answer, but I wanted to hear him say it. 
 
 His voice became grave,'Well, then you go to Hell.' 
 
'Is it really as bad as they say?' 
 
'Its bad for us. The more people that go to Hell, the less power we have.' 
 
'But is Hell bad?' 
 
'Satan is bad, he fights with God' 
 
'But, what is the punishment for going to Hell?' 
 
'Oh, not much, there are a lot less rules, and many people who succumb to vice enjoy it there' 
 
'Wait, so you've been forcing me to go to a place that I know nothing about, for all of eternity, so that you can have more power?' 
 
'I never said forcing, I said helping' 
 
 My anger began to swell, who was this jerk living in my penis, tugging at the strings of my life while I sat idly by. 
 
'And what kind of help did I receive?' 
 
'Well, God hates girls, sex is a sin and they're, for the most part, sluts. So I implanted the idea in girls heads that you were weird, gross. I made you bad at sports so you could focus on school, making the world a better place. You have n't done so well at that but it was a good attempt. I' 
 
'Shut the fuck up you dick! Why would you do any of that, that's completely the opposite of how I want my life to go!' 
 
'Um, so that you could go to heaven' 
 
'What if i WANT to go to hell?' 
 
'Thats not your choice' 
 
'Fuck you dude, you're not my Guardian anymore' and I pushed him. 
 
'Jeez, this is n't going well, look I'll just crawl back in there and we can talk about this tomorrow'. He grabbed my penis, still flopping around, and tried to step back into it.'Oh jeez, I've never had to reenter before, this might hurt.' 
 
'Hey fuck off! You know what? How about this for some hurt?' I punched him in the face, he crumbles to the ground and screams.'Well you've kept me from losing my virginity, maybe you should be the one to undo that' I ripped off his pants. His ass was extremely hairy.'You know my friends at school call me sloppy Joe, Im about to give a whole new meaning to that.' And I plunged into his butt. Suddenly, a light shined, and the devil popped out of mid air.'Nice work bro, you're going to hell!' He gave me a high five, the best high five ever, and disappeared with my former Guardian. 
 
 And that was the best time I've ever had jacking off.
