[ WP ] After you are elected President , you discover a big red button hidden in your desk in the Oval Office . When you ask your predecessor about it , he said that it had been there for decades , but the secret of what it did died with Kennedy . After a few years , you finally give in and push the button .

There it is. There it has been, for God knows how long, taunting me, teasing me with its secret for the last 8 years I'd been in office. And now, upon the week I would leave this place and live comfortably for the rest of my life, I know that this would be the last chance I'd get to press it. 
 
 But there in lies a dilemma. What does it do? What *can* it do? If it's been around since Kennedy, chances are, it could do some real damage. He may have not been a supporter of the nuclear arms race, but I'm sure someone in the executive branch convinced him of the dangers of being unprepared, even if it meant ending the world. 
 
 But then again, it could be something entirely unexpected. He was known for being quite the sugar daddy, and this could be a booty call button. I wonder if Johnson ever used it. Or Nixon. Ugghhhh... Nixon in coitus. The thought alone almost makes me never want to look at the thing again. 
 
 But there it stays. Continuing to figuratively scream at me to press it with its red finish and its hexagonal shape. Why was it a hexagon? Every other keypad and hidden button in the place was a circular shape, so why was this an exception? And especially since this was around for an indiscriminate amount of time. 
 
 Then I hear footsteps. But not just any footsteps. These were the hefty, steel-toed footsteps of the Secretary of Defense. And considering the fact that I passed a law making huge cuts from the military budget for education, I knew that jarhead with the ego the size of Jupiter was going to chew me the fuck out. But as he got closer, I could hear others in the hallway begging him to stop from my advisers, and his footsteps sounded more like stomps now. Then I heard people being thrown against the wall, and gunshots from the Service. But even after that, the footsteps did n't stop. 
 
 Shit. 
 
 Contrary to popular belief, the president has n't had much protection in the Oval Office ever since the 80's. Because of the lack of real threats to the president's life, security had been relaxed, as well as for financial reasons. And for good reason. Pressure sensors, even to this day, are fucking expensive. And knowing that the Secretary was a former Secret Service agent, he knew how the whole operation worked, inside and out, and took precautions to make sure his emergency meeting with me was n't interrupted. There would've been more agents coming if this was n't the case, but it was. 
 
 And here I was, no gun, no way out of the office except for jumping out the window. But there it was again, the fucking button, now shooting the air out its metaphoric lungs right in my ears. As much of a fucking nuance it was, at this moment, it might have been my only hope. I noticed that it was n't hooked up to any wires in the drawer it was installed in, so for no discernible reason other than to intimidate him, I tore out the entire drawer and held it up as he came to the door. 
 
 He kicked that fucker apart like it was styrofoam and stormed in with a massive goddamn Zweihander. 
 
 `` YOU LIBERAL PUSSY-ASS SON OF A BITCH, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!'' 
 
 `` I'm taking back this country from those fucking oil tycoons that got us into this mess in the first fucking place. I'd figured that you, a veteran Marine, would know that already, but it seems that they brainwashed you too, you fucking idiot!!'' 
 
 `` Like you'd know anything about foreign policy and homeland security, you fuckin.....wait, why the hell are you holding up that drawer?'' 
 
 ``....Okay. One, you're avoiding the topic like you always do, and two, do you not see the big red button right here?'' 
 
 ``....What button?'' 
 
 ``...... Do you not seriously see this fucking thing on here?'' 
 
 `` I knew it. You have lost your damn mind.'' 
 
 `` Oh what, are you just saying that so I do n't press it?!'' 
 
 `` Hey, dude. I do n't see anything on there. I'm serious.'' 
 
 ``... You lying sack of shit.'' 
 
 `` Hey, calm down. Look, I'm putting down the sword. See?'' 
 
 `` You wan na press your luck, jarhead?!'' 
 
 `` Really, you need you clear your head and think about what's going on right now. Breathe with me.'' 
 
 `` I'll press it for you, you fucking psycho!!!'' 
 
 I press that fucker as hard as I can, and there is a sudden, and extremely violent tremor that shakes the house and city with full force. It lasted for about 5 minutes, but felt like an eternity. Once it was over, everything is in ruins. The Washington Monument is in pieces, the Jefferson Memorial is gone, D.C looks like it got blitzkrieged, and the White House is missing a wing. I knew all this because I saw the whole thing from the giant robot I was teleported in. 
 
 Yes, I was in a giant robot. Conspicuously disguised as the Lincoln Memorial Statue. And according to the interface, the Washington Monument was a `` universal weapon'' as it described. I was shocked to find myself in this monstrosity at first, wondering how the fuck something like this could be built in the 1900's, *if* it were man-made which I doubted heavily. But then I saw the Secretary, standing there in the gaping hole in the Oval Office with a full-on erection and an expression on his face that said he was looking at the face of God. 
 
 I knelled down to his level, and said right to his awed face that he could go fuck himself. I walked away to the Monument and picked up the single pole remaining in its wreckage, and it immediately reacted to my thoughts and turned into a Zweihander. Looking back at the Secretary, I held the thing to my crotch and said, `` Who's got the bigger dick now, Lyndon?!'' before levitating to the skies and propelling myself to the east. 
 
 Russia, North Korea, Iran. Prepare your asses.
