[ WP ] I do n't think you understand the gravity of this situation .

Do you have a voice inside your head? I ’ ve had three. Starting about 20 years ago I became obsessed with the voice inside my head. At that time I only had one, and it was me. It was like a running dialog of thoughts in my head, which I assumed was “ normal ”. It all started innocently enough, I started taking notes of everything the voice said. Angry thoughts, happy thoughts, commentary on other people, everything, and it all went in my little blue book. While reviewing the notes, I noticed that the voice inside my headed was decidedly negative. There was certainly some happy talk and positive messages, but most were dark, angry and sometime menacing. I decided to try and change that. I did this by actively trying to silence the negative messages. This resulted in some odd inner dialog, here ’ s an example, “ This asshole should get off his phone and pay attention. That isn ’ t a positive thought, focus on the positive. But that jackass made me miss the light, I ’ m going to be late. We ’ re not going to be late, turn up the music this is a great song. ” It was nearly constant bickering. This is how April came to be. 
 
 Over time the voice begging for positivity took on a more female tone and had a slight accent that wasn ’ t mine and I couldn ’ t quite pinpoint where it came from. Once the two voices become obvious I named the more feminine, positive voice April. Spring, new beginnings, sunshine and all that crap. April was squelching my thoughts, my inner dialog and constantly positive. She was repressing my inner voice and I could feel all that anger building up in pit of my stomach. The voice inside my head barely spoke, when it did it would be met with a “ Now, now, we don ’ t want to go there ” from April. April was the voice of motivational posters, Disney princesses and positive thinking speakers. I hated her so much. I brought the little blue book back, but now it was filled with all the shit April said. All the stuff that wasn ’ t being said by my voice in my head, was being written in the book. The conflict of the positive narrative of April in my head the anger in my guts was tearing me apart. 
 
 One morning, I ran into Ted at the coffee machine. April was droning on and on about what a great guy Ted was. “ He ’ s really bright, what a smart dresser, he should get a promotion, he ’ s really funny ”. I balled up my fist and smashed it into Ted ’ s eye. April didn ’ t have shit to say about that. The joy of inner silence. Instead of firing me, my company sent me to an anger management class. April loved every minute of the class. The two hour a week class would have been tolerable if it weren ’ t for April parroting everything the teacher said for the rest of my waking moments. My inner voice did come back during one of the classes, “ We should punch that teacher right in the head to shut him and her the hell up. ” April told my voice to go away and started chanting anti-anger mantras. I wrote in my book that I had to take back my head and my voice had to return. 
 
 Jeff was my high school bully. He would shove me into lockers, knock books out of my hands, give me wet willy ’ s and generally tormented me. Hearing Jeff ’ s laugh, inside my head was definitely off-putting at first. Jeff started by just laughing at the positive nonsense April would spew. She tried to repress Jeff as she had done with my voice, but he stood up to her. At first I was actually hoping Jeff would be able to finally quiet her constant, positive drivel. Their fighting drove me to drink. Jeff got my fired when he suggested I smash my company laptop and key my boss ’ car. After Jeff got me into a bar fight that landed me in the emergency room, I heard less and less from April. My voice came back and was now more rage filled than ever. While my voice was pure rage, Jeff ’ s voice was action. I burned down my neighbors shed after he told me to have a nice day. I heard the police sirens while standing on the chair with the noose around my neck. I remember the conversation in my head, at that moment, like it happened yesterday. My voice said, “ Stupid cops, they can ’ t prove it was you. ” Jeff barked, “ Do it now, hang yourself ”. April sheepishly squeaked, “ I don ’ t think you understand the gravity of the situation. ” That was the last time Jeff and April spoke in my head.
