[ WP ] A Super-Villain 's Grocery List

*Martha, I ’ ll be out destroying the world again today. No, don ’ t look at me like that – yesterday was just the warm up. You know that. I quite clearly told you. The fact that that pesky superhero stopped the nuclear weapon from exploding was all part of the dry-run. We couldn ’ t have the world being destroyed the day BEFORE the real end of the world date, now could we? 
 Anyway, where was I? Oh yes. I ’ m too busy today to do the shopping, so you ’ ll just have to. Isn ’ t that what I ’ m paying you for? Probably not, as pay day is tomorrow, but never mind that. I ’ ve written a list of everything I need, so this time there ’ s NO EXCUSES. * 
 
 **Eyeliner** 
 -I ’ ve run out. Again. How do people cope with such small bottles? 
 **Whisky** 
 -I ’ m partial to the 1926 Macallan, the $ 50,000 one. There may not quite be enough money in the envelope I left you, but I promise I ’ ll pay you back. Tomorrow of course. 
 **Some kind of aerosol** 
 -I don ’ t care what kind, as long as it reveals the invisible deadly laser beams around the house like on that movie we watched. I can ’ t remember where they are, and every step I take I ’ m terrified that I ’ ll lose a limb. Or worse, my cape. 
 **Fish food** 
 -The piranhas are getting hungry again. I don ’ t like the way they keep looking at me. 
 **Hair gel** 
 -4 tubs please, I get through it so quickly. And none of that “ natural-looking stuff ”; it either holds or it doesn ’ t. Nothing more embarrassing than performing a “ speech of doom ” and having your hair fly into your eyes so you flail around blindly. Not that such a thing has ever happened. 
 **Carrots and broccoli** 
 -Just because I ’ m evil doesn ’ t mean I can ’ t be healthy. And seeing as creepy lairs aren ’ t allowed to be well-lit, I need all the ability to see in the dark I can get. I ’ m sick of tripping over the coffee table. 
 **Tiny Teddies** 
 -The chocolate ones please, not the choc-chip. Aren ’ t their cute little faces simply adorable? I always smile back at them before I bite their heads off. Small things. 
 **Cat food** 
 -Not the cheap stuff. Only the best for Clarence. And don ’ t go buying liver; the cat has to sit on my lap all day so I ’ m the one suffering here. 
 **Cat litter** 
 -Not the cheap stuff. Only the best for Clarence. You know this. 
 **Mineral water** 
 -Don ’ t you dare skimp out and use tap water again. Clarence is not a pet, HE IS AN EVIL MINION and deserves to be treated as such. He only drinks the finest, purest substances. 
 **Antihistamines and decongestants for that goddamn cat. ** 
 
 *So I ’ ve just realised. If I do succeed…I mean, WHEN I succeed in destroying the world today, this shopping list becomes redundant. But because I ’ m a Super-Villain, I ’ m not going to give you the day off to say tearful farewells to friends and family. Oh no. You are getting every single thing on that list if it kills you. Which it might. Hehe. 
 Unkind regards, 
 Mr Destruction. 
 p.s: can you have dinner ready for seven? * 

