[ WP ] You 're a bomb defuser . Ranked number one , saving thousands of lives . Your trade secret ? You have no idea what you 're doing .

I ai n't particularly bright, or smart, or whatever. I aint even gunna say I'm a good person. Naw, I think I'm just lucky. 
 
 I joined the militree when I was in the 10th grade. They paid pretty good, and most the time we jus' got drunk an mest'round anyways. Them drill sergeants were always shoutin' an' threatenin' but, nothin' usually happened. 
 
 This went on for what felt like fer ever. I think it was 4 or 5 years after I joined up, but I ai n't too sure. Me and a couple boys from Washington went down to learn about bombs. I ai n't really sure why they picked me, but they did, and I went, no arguments or nothin,'compliant', as they like to say, whatever that means. 
 
 Well, day one they do a quick test, see if you know what you're doin'. I ai n't got no idea what I was doin', so a'course they call me up firs'. I walk up, and they hand me some wire cutters, and I say `` Jus' like the movies then, right boys,'' and they laugh, and I laugh, and I move forward, sweatin' rivers as momma liked to say. 
 
 The bomb looked like four sticks of butter wrapped in foil all tied together real tight, with a watch stuck at 12:00 stuck in the middle. 3 colorful wires came out the time piece an' stuck into the butter sticks. I s'pose this is what them wire cutters were for, I thought to myself. I reached out, and cut the wire on top, yellow. I planned on cuttin' em all, but the professor started clappin' his han's like I jus' won a contest. He shook my hand an' said I set a new time-speed record or somethin'. I was pretty confused, an' jus' kind a went with it. 
 
 Another 4 or 5 years later, and here I am. I got so many medals pinned to my shirt, it adds four pounds. I got men writin' me up, tellin' me they owe me they life now. I have the record for most bombs disposed. Momma writes, she says I should be proud. I made her proud, I guess. I mos'ly feel guilty now. I still have no idea what I'm doin'. I jus' keep smilin', an' carryin' on. Until jus' the other day, I never thought, what if the luck runs out. Ai n't jus' me out there. 
 
 So, I s'pose this is like my letter of resignation, er whatever. I ca n't write real well, so I hope this recordin' is ok. The militree served me well, I just wish I served it better. 
 
 Sign, 
 
 Ed Garvey
