[ WP ] You are a wizard in the kitchen ; your meals are magical , your dinners enchanting . Today you are making salads . Dark salads .

`` These are n't your regular salads, oh no,'' I menacingly whispered, my eyebrows dancing, my pudgy hands reaching for her face, my massive body looming over her, blocking out the light. `` The ingredients have lurked in the dark forest for years, praying on weak travelers - the sick, the old, the little children that wander away from the caravan. They lurk right under the beds of lily pads on the beautiful ponds, waiting to pounce and drag you under in an instant. They hide in the corners of public libraries, waiting until no one is there but one curious little girl, and then they-'' 
 
 `` Stop it, dad!'' Jenna squealed, at last going from amused to scared as she finally recognized all the subtle references. 
 
 `` Never fear,'' I boomed, suddenly drawing myself up and away, letting fluorescent kitchen light bathe me in a righteous halo. `` For you face this foe not with a balding middle-aged Greek scammer who can not even cook a hamburger, not with a penniless college student who views food as a chore, not with an understaffed McDonalds crew, but with the one, the only, the magnificent-'' 
 
 `` Oh god not again,'' an unimpressed voice drawled. Jenna looked up at her older sister who strolled into the kitchen, eyes fixed on her phone. `` You still have n't gotten over the Greek restaurant?'' 
 
 `` Sarah, I do n't think you understand how badly he butchered that meal! Why, he-'' 
 
 `` Considering you've been going on about it for eight months, I think I've got the basic idea.'' She bent down to her sister, smiling. `` Daddy talks a lot, does n't he?'' 
 
 `` Yeah!'' Jenna replied, grinning as she recognized the pattern. 
 
 `` And it gets kind of boring, doesn't-'' 
 
 `` OK, OK, my turn to interrupt!'' I hurriedly cried, carefully not laughing. `` I understand that busy Ms.High-School-Girl over here has no time for the backstory of a meal, so I'll save that for when she goes back to text her boyfriend and-'' 
 
 `` Wait you have a boyfriend?'' Jenna exclaimed, looking up at her once-more-standing sister. 
 
 `` No, dad's just being dad. And actually I have a project to do. For physics. I have a presentation tomorrow on a bunch of different formulas and equations and deriving them and-'' 
 
 `` YAAAAAAAAAAWN,'' I said loudly, stretching myself out in a yawn to demonstrate. `` Sarah's being boooooooooooooooooring again, is n't she? Who cares about deriving formulas? They give you them for the exam! The ingredients for this salad, on the other hand, had to be hunted down from the darkest corners of the world! Do you know how many of my sources are out injured after this mission?'' 
 
 `` Zero.'' Sarah replied dryly, nevertheless putting her phone away in anticipation for the big performance. 
 
 `` Well, yes, but only because I employ the best hunters on the planet! Now, the first thing they've brought me...'' I tapped out a drum roll with my feet, before sleight of handing a large, green mass. `` What is this, Jenna?'' 
 
 `` Cabbage!'' she exclaimed, already agog. 
 
 `` Not just any cabbage my dear! This is Bermuda cabbage, famed for being a worse omen on a ship than whistling albatross-slaying banana! Its very existence increases the unluckiness of people worldwide by.7 %! Observe!'' I deftly whipped out my mix of cleaver and machete and broadsword, stabbing the plant right through its center. Jenna stood on her tiptoes, gasping when she saw the black liquid ooze out of the cabbage. Her sister stepped up, looked at it for a moment, then dabbed a finger into the liquid and tried it. `` Tastes like water,'' she said after a moment's contemplation. 
 
 `` Well of course it does! I had my agent squeeze out all the bad luck toxin back in Bermuda! He had managed to stub his toe thirty three times, break his wrist, send texts *only* to wrong numbers, severely injure several locals through a mishap with a large box of watermelons, and get all nine of his hotel reservations unexpectedly canceled due to suddenly visiting celebrities. I was not about to have that in my house!'' 
 
 `` That sounds... pretty unlucky.'' 
 
 `` Indeed it does, my candid daughter! Now, next on the list is.... what is it?!'' I asked as I threw the cabbage into the bowl and stabbed it a few more times. 
 
 `` A tomato!'' Jenna happily replied. 
 
 `` If only it was a regular tomato! No, this is one of the thirteen Mongolian Snapping Tomatoes we will devour today! Known for its insatiable appetite, quick leap, and flesh-ripping bite, these fruits love to turn farmers into farmed! Look away for one second, and - ow!'' 
 
 The girls jerked away, startled, as I retaliated, slicing the tomato into two neat halves that plopped into the bowl. `` See, look!'' I cried, showing them my bleeding hand. 
 
 `` That's tomato juice,'' Sarah said, but she seemed uncertain. 
 
 `` Is that so? Then we wo n't have any problems if I take all twelve of these out at once, will we?'' A row of twelve tomatoes suddenly appeared on the counter, my hands blurring away from them as fast as they appeared. `` They'll sit here a little to put us off our guard. They'll wait, patient as a puma. And then they'll JUMP!'' 
 
 All twelve tomatoes leaped into the air, choosing a target and barreling towards it. My blade hummed and spun, delightedly cleaving tomatoes, no doubt pretending they were enemy warriors on the field of battle. I only half watched my own movements, letting muscle memory take the reins as I instead looked towards my daughters. Jenna rolled and jumped and dodged around the kitchen, just staying ahead of the jumping fruits. Sarah carefully backed away, brow furrowed in concentration, footwork impeccable as usual, hands darting out and punching the fruit that got too close. Smiling, I moved to help her younger sister. Soon enough, all twelve were vanquished. 
 
 `` That was.... awesome!'' Jenna yelled, panting, as I dumped all the tomato slices into the bowl. 
 
 `` I'm just surprised they made it through customs,'' Sarah said, her expression still a little dazed and her hands balled into fists. 
 
 `` Luckily one of the gentlemen I hired happened to be taking a private jet to New York and was able to parachute these down as it passed us. Now, this next ingredient is n't nearly as lively, preferring a more insidious way of-'' 
 
 Suddenly, the doorbell rang. `` I'll get it!'' Jenna said, adrenaline no doubt still racing through her veins. She ran up the steps to the front door, peeking through the hole, then yelling delightedly, `` Mom!'' as she opened it. 
 
 I swept up to her worriedly, letting the knife disappear into my apron. `` Hello, Jenna,'' she tiredly replied, taking off her mud-covered shoes. I enveloped her in a hug, wincing as I noticed how cold her face was. `` Manticore,'' she whispered. `` Bad.'' I pulled her back, critically looking down at her. Shadows clung under her bloodshot eyes. Her face was pale. Her arm was pressed to her side, clearly concealing a wound. Her posture was rigid, her will no doubt keeping her up more than her strength. 
 
 `` We postpone the salad for tonight, ladies,'' I proclaimed, helping my wife down the stairs. 
 
 `` Aww,'' Jenna and Sarah simultaneously said, opening their mouths to complain and beg. 
 
 `` Relax, the ingredients are securely stored away and will be available tomorrow as well. Your mother needs something much more filling. Luckily, we have gnomish noodle soup leftovers that have been practically begging to be eaten. Mom's favorite, I think.'' She sank into the chair calmly enough, but her fingers gripped the table's edge. 
 
 `` Thank you, you're quite right,'' she replied stiffly. `` Sarah, how is school? Your training?'' 
 
 `` It's good. I was gon na finish a physics project after dinner. And my training is going great! I just fought off four Mongolian Snapping Tomatoes and did n't get bit once!'' 
 
 `` That... is not what I was expecting. Honey, what were you making?'' 
 
 `` Dark salads,'' I replied, making sure the bowl was securely put away as I took out the soup. `` Delicious and educational!'' 
 
 `` Ah, of course. Well good job, Sarah. You will have to fill me in on the details later. What about you, Jenna? How's your schoolwork? Readings?'' 
 
 `` It's good, mommy. School is boring, but I just finished reading about all the western dragons. I'm gon na start reading about the werewolf clans tomorrow!'' 
 
 `` Good job,'' she said, closing her eyes for a moment. Her legs were tense. 
 
 `` What about you, mommy? How was work?'' Jenna asked, sitting next to her. 
 
 `` It was difficult. A manticore got loose in the city and... it was...'' 
 
 `` It's dealt with now,'' I said, carrying over four bowls filled with steaming soup. `` We're all home now - let's have a nice family dinner. Come on, Sarah.'' She dutifully sat down. The delicious smell rose up into the room, blanketing us with its warmth. Wonderful heat spread inside of us with each spoonful. Slowly, my wife relaxed, color returning to her face. Jenna gulped soup down with twice her normal appetite, and Sarah clearly was n't even thinking about taking her phone out. Though not the dark salads as planned, another successful meal. I happily got to work on my own bowl.
