[ WP ] It has been quite some time since Great Britain has called upon it 's Knights . This morning every person , celebrity , and politician Knighted by The Queen received a letter demanding they report for duty in service of The Kingdom , signed by her Majesty .

John Cleese heard the news and laughed bitterly. He had been right all along—accepting a Knighthood from the Queen came with strings attached. By the grace of God, he ’ d declined when she offered. He turned to watch the telly. 
 
 “ Please help, ” the Queen said. She wore a blindfold and a frilly blue hat. “ I have been kidnapped by North Korean agents. The Supreme Leader will release me on one condition. ” 
 
 Pubs across the country fell silent with anticipation. In the suburbs, mothers told their children to stop watching and go upstairs. In the city, stockbrokers told would-be traders to wait. In former colonial possessions, telemarketers put the people they were talking to on hold. 
 
 “ The Supreme Leader, ” the Queen said, reading from cue cards, “ invites all living recipients of the Order of the British Empire to attend this year ’ s Arirang Mass Games in Pyongyang. ” Her voice trembled. She knew she was asking too much. “ The Arirang Mass Games are the greatest show on earth. At five years old, the most talented gymnasts in Korea enter the guild of the tumblers and devote their lives to the Arirang. It is the Supreme Show. ” She sobbed. “ Performers from the decadent West—those that have received a knighthood—may perform in the *Rungrado 1st of May Stadium* following the Arirang. If the West's chosen performer can outperform the Democratic People ’ s Republic of Korea, I will be freed. If not… ” the Queen ’ s eyes fluttered helplessly, “ I am lost. ” 
 
 The video feed cut away. Bono appeared onscreen, wearing orange-tinted sunglasses and talking to a reporter. 
 
 “ Aye vahlunteer, ” he said, “ Aye ’ ll gowe ‘ n sing my sung ‘ n sayve th ’ Queenie. ” 
 
 John Cleese shook his head in disappointment. He should have accepted that Knighthood. He began to play *Taps* on a kazoo. 
 
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