[ WP ] Write the letter that you always wanted to , but never did .

Dear Dad, 
 
 I tell myself every day that I do n't want to know anything about your life now. I am who I am today because of you. You were selfish, cruel and horrible during the entirety of my childhood. You would never read this letter anyways, because to you I meant less than nothing. 
 
 Just something to beat on when you were angry or frustrated. Someone that did n't mattered, a sexual toy that was never meant for you. Someone else that you abused mentally, physically, sexually and emotionally. You took so many things from me and even today you feel like you were doing something I wanted. Who would have wanted that? No one deserves that. 
 
 What four year old would decide that they enjoy being molested? Beaten when they make mistakes? Being screamed at in their face every time they said anything to you when you were n't in the mood to listen? Being told how ugly, and worthless they are? 
 
 What eleven year old would want to stop wearing shorts to try and keep you away? Who would want to fatten themselves up and wear dark colors to keep you away? I did. And still, you felt I was asking for it. I barely spoke and almost never made eye contact with people. I had a younger sister that I tried my damnedest to save from you. I sacrificed myself to you to save her from your disgusting habits. I sacrificed myself to you to feed my siblings during the summer, after a week of eating nearly nothing. 
 
 I still ca n't leave dishes in the sink because mold freaks me out. That's how I conned you out of your'hard-earned' money, by waiting until the dishes from *your meals* pile up enough and grow mold so I could persuade you to pay me to clean them for you. Then I would take my siblings for food, because they were starving and we were too afraid to say anything to you. You'd have beaten at us, raged at us. We did **not** deserve that. 
 
 When I was thirteen and I was just so tired of my life that I wanted to die. I just wanted you to stop asking me to have sex, I tried to tell you no. I tried to get you to stop. When you raped me, I laid in a bathtub for two hours trying to make the pain go away, until the water grew cold twice over and you started to bang on the bathroom door demanding for me to come out. That was not how I wanted to lose my virginity. To have it ripped from me in an act of violence, from a man who was so disgusting that I ca n't even think about what you did to me. 
 
 Then you tried to contact me, years after I finally got away from you. After I exposed you to the world because you had taken everything precious from me and I did n't care about your death threats anymore. I knew my mother was too far from your awful reach, my siblings would be safe even if you murdered me, because I would have exposed you for the monster you were. I laughed at you when you said that you had gotten into a car accident and broken your neck. I laughed at the world until I cried because fate had the *option* to just wipe you off the earth and some how you happened to be one of the few people on earth who did n't die after having their neck broken. And you acted like I was high and mighty for wanting nothing to do with you. 
 
 All those times during my childhood where other adults tried to convince me that you'd changed. That the anger management meant you would be a new man. I have trouble trusting anyone the way they're meant to be because of you. Even the ones I love, I will never trust them because of you. Do I think you've won? I have trouble looking in the mirror. All of those years when you told me over and over about how ugly and fat I was helped me develop an eating disorder. Do I think that you won? All of those years you told me no one would ever really love me, and I ran away from every genuine relationship I had - do you think I believe you won? Those days when I would lay by myself in the dark and hear the words you'd spit in my face and believed that they were true - those were bad days. But they are not my reality any more. 
 
 I do n't think you won. I am stronger than you. I will never be a drug addict like you. I will hold jobs like a boss and never let anyone down like you. I have tried for nearly a decade to get pregnant and worried about scarring from your rape of me keeping me from the family I want - but no matter what, I will **always** be a better parent than you. I learned everything not to be from you. I will never hit a loved one. I try and succeed to push down the parts I feel are related to you, and cry instead of getting angry because that means you lose every time. I am **not** stupid like you tried to convince me. I will always be smarter, stronger and better than you. 
 
 Those days you pretended to be sweet to win me over so you could take me home from the orphanage will never be forgotten. They would slowly convince me over time to trust you, and then when you finally brought me home with you and intimidated me into becoming your slave, I let myself become who I am now. 
 
 Sometimes I think of what would happen if I met you today. I think I would be afraid of you - but realistically you are an old man now and I am a human in my prime. You are nothing to be afraid of, just a worthless piece of trash that used and abused anyone you could get your hands on. I never speak about you unless I have to, so you are n't going to be infamous through me. You're just a nameless, faceless Unknown. And you matter so little to me these days that I just want you to know - I forgive you. Not for you. You will rot from the inside of your soul and I hope it is a slow and painful death somewhere that you ca n't hurt anyone anymore. I forgave you for me, because you are n't worth the energy or time that hate takes. I forgave you so I could forgive myself for not standing up for myself and exposing you sooner. For not allowing myself a real childhood, or to be a normal teenager worried about their first sexual adventures. 
 
 I forgive you so that I never have to think about you, because you are not worth my time. 
 
 
 Sincerely, 
 
 NotYourVictimSince2006
