[ WP ] Write the letter that you always wanted to , but never did .

Dear K, 
 
 Quite frankly, I do n't know what the hell to write. To say I could care less about you at all is a fucking lie, but to say I want anything to do with you is far from the truth. I guess what I am trying to say is I wish all memories of you would cease to exist and I still, even after 3 years, wish you just the worst. Am I a little bitter, well, I guess you could say that. We had it all after all. We were young, doing damn well in life, and had such high hopes. You just got your Surgical Technician job you loved so much and I, well, we know I was never meant to be anything. I may not have had much in life going for me, but you know I was never stupid either. 
 
 
 Do you remember? We were literally the best of friends. Knew each other in high school and everything. It took so much convincing that we should try and date. You knew you wanted to, but were scared. I do n't blame you. We were just so damn great together. I guess it goes as the old saying, `` The candle that burns twice as bright, lasts half as long.'' That was us in a nutshell. After officially dating for only 2 months, I proposed. You know it felt like it was meant to be and we did know each other for much, much longer. It was perfect. Your family loved me and my family literally gave you a home when you did n't have one. We never fought, never questioned each other, full trust and all, but then, everything happened at once... 
 
 
 You were attacked and molested by someone you knew for years. Not even two weeks after your grandmother died. You were still in shock from that. I remember you walking into work looking like a shell of a person. It took forever, but when you told me.... I still do n't have words for it.... 
 
 
 It changed you... 
 
 
 Within a week you were getting `` bitchy''. It was n't you. You always had a temper, but it was n't like this. You started demanding me to stop being so lazy and doing some work around the house. Yeah, I was a manager for a pizza joint and you saved lives, but that is no excuse for saying how I am lazy. We BOTH worked 14 hour jobs standing on our feet. We BOTH were tired. I understood you hated disorganization, but was it too much to ask to let me rest a hour after work, especially since you got home 2 hours before me and did n't do anything yourself? I digress... That was n't you. You were lashing out and I knew it. Then it got worse. You started throwing the fact I never moved on with the police job in my face. I was scared of failure. I was the only person to EVER attend any higher form of education and you knew that I worked hard for it. You did push me out of my comfort zone though and I went for it, but failed. Then you mocked me for not being good enough. Why? That was n't necessary. You always made it clear you wanted to be a Army wife. You never said it, but I saw your taste for men. You romanticized the idea that you would take care of the house while your husband defended everyone. You knew that the police department was the same way. Soon I was n't sure if it was my dream or yours. You hated my job so much, even though I was making 30k a year at the age of 20 with half a degree. Yeah, its pizza, I know... 
 
 
 Then, you had surgery for your hip. Everything calmed down for a bit. I helped you in the bathroom, in the bed, and doing anything else. I slept on the floor because I knew I could hit your wound and hurt you and you were already is so much pain I could n't do that to you. It gets fuzzy from there, because I started drinking. I could n't help it. I was weak and needed a something my buddy Jack could help me with. I drank alone, away from you. I still have that bottle I bought on my 21 birthday that we were supposed to drink on our wedding. Heh, I guess I should have dropped it off for you and him. I do n't quite remember what caused it, but I remember the fight that ended it. You came at me with a knife. You were a mild mannered girl who, while had an attitude, would never do that. I know looking back it was all too much for you. You broke. You were strong for too long. You checked yourself into the psych ward that night. We talked a week later after you started group therapy. They helped you so much. Too much. They blamed me for everything. Said I was n't supportive enough. Even though I literally waited on you hand and foot, left work multiple times which if I was n't who I was, any other manager would have been fired. I know you were feeding them bullshit about us because the things you were telling me were n't adding up. You were passing the blame to me. You told them I was lazy, negative, and everything you hated about yourself. They told you to get away from me. I guess you did n't want help. You wanted to pass the blame because you hated yourself. 
 
 
 
 Then they offered you drugs. The people in therapy were a worse influence than anything else. You used to hate drugs of all kinds, now here you were smoking pot and lord knows what else. Makeup did n't hide those needle marks dear, I'm sorry to say. Then finally, I remember the second to last time I talked to you. I was leaving work and was going to drive 30 minutes to see you. I remember hearing you say so clearly after asking you why I could n't... 
 
 
 `` Why? Its not like we are together?'' 
 
 `` Oh, is that so?'' I said as I heard some people in the back. `` Let your drug dealer back there know that you do n't have to fuck him for free drugs now that your his whore.'' 
 
 I do n't regret saying that one bit, writing it made me smile even. You decided that drugs were your escape and with no money after the hospital firing you for your dirty drug test, sleeping with him made it easy. I guess that worked out for the best huh? Because EXACTLY 9 months and a week later you gave birth to your, whatever that thing is. Boy? I do n't know, its doomed. If you would have told me the venue, I would have mailed that bottle since I knew that wedding date sounded familiar. 
 
 
 After months of self loathing and healing, you decide to call me at work and say what, that because my hands were dry I should use coconut oil because it's food safe? I went off on you. I made you cry. You just could n't understand why I was so hostile. You wanted to forget everything and be friends. FUCK THAT. Then you sent your dog on me. Do n't worry sweetie, I told him everything. He was irate, but he still thought he was defending your honor. I told him how I did the same thing to her ex who, in her words, was abusive in many ways. He let it slip that I beat you, and I laughed at him. I told him not only did I never hit you, I did n't even touch you when you had the knife. He said he'll beat my ass and while i'm sure you got all riled up and serviced him after he told you that, I promise his burned out ass could n't. I heard he tried for the army, though I'm not surprised. 
 
 
 
 Well, that's about all I know of you, besides facebook keeps telling me to add you. I'd block you, but I do n't have it in me. This is where I'm weak. Not a week goes by without thinking of you at least once. I physically shake and get weak if I even think I saw your car. I am terrified to see you in person. I do not think I can handle it. Sometimes it hits and I go into a deep depression for a few hours, other times I smile when I hear of misfortunes in your life. Remember sweetie, its a small town and I played football. I know everyone and everything that happens in a 50 mile radius. I wish you would move north like you wanted so I could stop hearing it, especially from my father, asking why I left you is too much sometimes. I did n't have the heart to tell him you're a whore. He really loved you like a daughter and showed you more love than he ever showed me. Sometimes, I really wish we could still be friends, but I know if we even got close to good terms, I would beg for that girl I used to know to come back. 
 
 
 
 I will say, even after all that, I am with someone I love. It is n't the same as when we were together, but I think its for the better. I do n't know what is different, but its not the same. I am happy and I am glad I am with her. I treat her right and she takes care of me. It is the way we used to be. I know that if you ever read this, you would understand and be happy for me. I wish I could be happy for you, but it will never happen. You always were a better person than me. I will never forget you, nor will I ever forgive you. I wish you a lifetime of damnation and misery, while wanting the best. You put yourself in a situation where your husband is your ex dealer and you're living in section 8. I am happily in our 3 bedroom house with two new cars. I'm not saying that would be us if we were together, but I am saying you would be better off. 
 
 
 I want you to know, you're the reason I ca n't propose again. I have this damn ring that I want so desperately to give her, but ca n't. You broke me. I ca n't even allow anyone to get that close to me again. I have n't cried or felt sadness for anyone or anything in years, because I know nothing can affect me as much as that did. I have a million emotions going through me right now and so much more to say. Much, much more. I will save it for if we ever meet again I suppose. 
 I pray that does n't happen. I hope writing this down helps me move on, because it is becoming a burden I ca n't carry. Finally, there really is n't any other way I can end this letter that is appropriate unless I use this word..... 
 
 
 Love, 
 J. 
 
 

