[ WP ] Captain Obvious , Sargent Sarcasm , and Admiral Asshole are in a room together

Captain Obvious, Sargent Sarcasm, and Admiral Asshole entered the dimly lit cantina, closing the door on the evening's rainstorm. `` It's awfully dark out at night,'' said Captain Obvious, brushing raindrops from his otherwise pristine uniform. 
 
 `` Yeah, night's funny that way,'' replied Sargent Sarcasm as Admiral Asshole shoved past the two men rudely, his gigantic golden epaulets knocking both men in the head as he brushed by. The blonde behind the bar smiled at them with overly-red lips and primped her stiffly-sprayed hair as they each sat on a bar stool in front of her. 
 
 `` Vhat vill it be, gentlemen?'' Her voice was sultry and her half-lidded eyes sparkled lustily. 
 
 `` We're here for drinks,'' said the Captain. 
 
 `` Like she could n't guess that,'' remarked the Sargent with a smirk as he removed his crisp uniform hat. 
 
 `` You got anything that is n't watered down horse piss,'' asked the admiral as he extinguished his cigarette in the mixed nuts. 
 
 `` That was rude,'' the captain chided and he apologized to the bartender. 
 
 `` It's alright, my friend. I have heard worse. Let me set you all up vith our finest viskey.'' She doled out 3 drinks to the men. 
 
 Obvious downed his glass first with an, `` ahhh,'' and smiled. `` Now that's whiskey.'' 
 
 The sargent sipped his and swirled the glass in his hand. `` Thanks, I'd have never guessed.'' 
 
 The admiral drank his whiskey down like a shot and slammed the glass down loudly, obviously enjoying the gulp and proud of his ability to drain it all at once. `` I hope you screw better than you bartend, sister.'' 
 
 `` Vould n't you like to know,'' she said, and smiled devilishly as she refilled their glasses. 
 
 The sargent sipped his drink again, eyeing his companions quietly as the woman replaced the soiled nuts with a fresh bowl and left the men to talk. `` Boy, you two are so much fun to go out with.'' He rolled his eyes. 
 
 The admiral simply said, `` fuck off,'' and sampled a few nuts. `` Your nuts taste like shit,'' he bellowed, looking to find the woman to no avail. He tasted several, putting them, half-eaten, back into the bowl. 
 
 `` You've never tasted my nuts,'' said Captain Obvious. 
 
 `` Yeah, he was totally talking to you,'' sneered the sargent. 
 
 `` Would you two shut the hell up,'' the Admiral shouted. 
 
 `` Do n't get your knickers in a twist,'' said a voice to their right. 
 
 The men turned to see a dark haired man in a rain-dappled trenchcoat sitting at a nearby table. 
 
 `` Come here often?'' Trenchcoat man knocked back a shot. 
 
 `` Oh yeah,'' said the sargent. `` I come whenever the Admiral talks about his nuts.'' 
 
 `` He's being sarcastic,'' the captain warned. `` We've never been here before.'' 
 
 The man smiled softly, his eyes studying his empty shotglass. `` You must feel like a fish out of water.'' 
 
 `` Not really. I go where I please. If you do n't like it, you can drop dead.'' Admiral Asshole glowered at the man. 
 
 `` You're awfully hot under the collar,'' the man said, his gaze still cast downward. `` Quit your crying or I'll give you something to cry about.'' 
 
 `` What did you say to me you rude little prick?!'' The Admiral leapt to his feet. 
 
 `` People in glass houses should n't throw stones...'' The man stood up and pulled out a pistol. 
 
 `` He has a gun!'' The Captain rose swiftly to his feet. 
 
 `` Thanks for the news flash,'' remarked Sargent Sarcasm as he joined his comrades. 
 
 `` You insult me and pull a gun on me and *I'm* rude?'' The Admiral was indignant. 
 
 `` If the shoe fits, wear it. Now... hand over the secret military documents I happen to know you three are carrying.'' Trenchcoat man cocked his pistol. 
 
 `` Secret military documents? Us? Do we look like we're in the military,'' asked the medal-decorated Sargent too innocently. 
 
 `` Do n't play the fool for me. Now hand them over.'' 
 
 Defeated for the moment, the Admiral withdrew an envelope from his pocket and tossed it on the table. `` Just who the fuck are you?'' 
 
 `` Who else would I be when on a dark and stormy night Captain Obvious, Sargent Sarcasm, and Admiral Asshole walk into a bar?'' He grinned as he collected the top secret papers from his arch enemies. `` I'm Commander Cliche!''
