[ WP ] You and your friend decide to put on tinfoil hats for fun . As soon as you put yours on , you are unable to hear your thoughts .

`` Bro, my mom's gon na *kill* me if she finds out we wasted the rest of the tinfoil!'' Derrick sputtered, tossing now empty box into the trash. I laughed. 
 
 `` Dude, you're 28!'' I remind my childhood friend. The poor man was some combination of drunk and high, technically making him a *hunk*. My series of weird thoughts, coupled with our latest late night decision, remind me that I was in a similar state. 
 
 He chortled, wrapping the foil around his head and meshing it over his curly brown hair. As soon as it was to his liking, he threw both fists into the air in triumph. 
 
 `` Woo!'' he cheered, stumbling backward but not falling. `` Fuck you, Elon Musk!'' he chortled to himself again before closing his eyes and leaning back against the kitchen counter. 
 
 `` So, this'll stop the aliens *and* the Feds from reading our thoughts?'' I joked, slapping Derrick on the shoulder. He flinched, but gave no other response. *Dude's wasted! * 
 
 I shrugged, `` One small step for man...'' I said in my best Armstrong impression as I wrapped the foil around my own crown, pushing the string flaxen hair into a sort of bun in the process. `` One giant-'' 
 
 Have you ever had a pain you did n't know about? Like, your back is sore from sitting at a weird angle and then, as soon as you lie down, there's the sweet virtually orgasmic moment of relief? That's the only way I can describe what I felt. 
 
 `` D....der.... deh... dah.....ich...'' I mustered, trying to slap Derrick on the arm again and get his attention. This time he opened his eyes, two glassy marbles staring back at me. It was like someone had replaced his eyes with marble copies of his original eyes! His eyes, however, were not like normal; they had a glaze to them, a brightness from shine but not from life. As soon as his eyes opened, err, his *eyelids* opened to.... reveal his.... I slapped his arm again to get his attention. 
 
 Duncan fell to the floor, his head and foil hat hitting the tiles like a rock. `` Daniel!'' I shouted, reaching down to help him. I ended up tripping over him, falling face first into our frig. Our downstairs neighbors were out for the weekend, fortunately, so we did n't have to worry about explaining that thud to them this time. 
 
 `` Dennis, what happened?'' I came to, my lifelong friend lying face first on the ground. He had a sheet of silvery wrap over his head, like one of those conspiracy theorists you see on TV. I shook him, checking for a pulse. His was slow, but fortunately existent. 
 
 I rolled him onto his back, his mouth and eyelids twitching. `` Damien, open your eyes fam.'' I muttered, lifting his right eyelid for him. 
 
 His eyes did n't move even after this, but remained motionless with a glazed look. His eyes look like... those things we used to play with as kids. You know, the rolling ones? His pupils were massive, like that of a cat, except they had a glazed look to them. 
 
 I collapsed next to him and closed my eyes. 
 
 When I opened them, a man was lying on the floor next to me. He was burly dude, bearded with tufts of brown hair spilling out of some sort of crazy hat covering his crown. Wanting to see more, I pealed the shiny cap off his head, even more curly brown hair spilling out. 
 
 He eyes finally opened as he shot up, taking a massive gasp of air. `` Fam?'' he called, likely waking everyone in the city block. `` Fam!'' he shouted, looking right at me. He quickly ripped the foil off my head and I felt a rush like no other, followed by a blinding light. 
 
 I awoke to Derrick, my childhood friend and best bro, standing in the corner looking at two pieces of tinfoil. I got up off the kitchen floor, not sure how I'd gotten there, and leaned against the counter. My nose was bleeding and I felt strangely lightheaded. It felt like a hangover, but better, if that makes any sense. 
 
 `` Bro, what were we on last night?'' he asked, perplexed by the tinfoil in particular. I shrugged, `` Fam, what *weren't* we on last night?''. He chuckled, patting his right pocket `` I think I lost my phone...'' 
 
 I laughed and snatched one of the foil hats from him. `` Dude, tinfoil hats? Really?''. He kept examining the one in his hand. `` Dude, my buddy told me these stop the aliens from reading your thoughts. Wan na try it?'' 
 
 `` Dude, you've lost your marbles..'' I joked, putting the hat on just for the fun of it. 
 
 `` See?'' I said, `` If Elon Musk wants to read my thoughts, this is n't going to stop him. Just let the man get back to his home planet in peace, alright?'' I joked, collapsing to the floor. 
 
 
 

