[ WP ] A robber breaks into your house at the worst moment possible : while you have diarrhea .

I had nearly made it home before unloading my bowels onto the parlor floor, the lustrous wood floor freshly waxed by the help this week. The date with Amanda went swimmingly except for the fact she had expressed her spicy desires and picked an authentic Indian cuisine. My weak, delicate stomach was not accustomed to such harsh spices that the mere sight of their goat curry dish made me begin sweating profusely. Regardless Amanda and I shared good company while the battle in my stomach commenced. Beads of sweat were racing down my brow after each bite but I hung in there, waiting till I was home on my own throne to unleash the thunder roaring inside me. 
 
 With a cute peck on her soft pale cheek, I dropped Amanda off and began the race home. Dodging cars and civilians alike with tantalizing speeds. I had made it home five after seven, vaulting up the stoop through the large wooden door. I placed myself on the cold porcelain throne nearly releasing my bowels on the floor before me. Senses of relief and pain flowed through me as I released the entire contents of my stomach. 
 
 As the storm settled, the ringing cracking of glass shattering startled a few turds out of my body. An object landed upon the wooden floor, millions of pieces of glass scattered around it. The clear sounds of footsteps ringing down the hall as folks entered my home. I sat silently upon the throne praying I would n't give away my position. Through their faint sounds of chatter, I heard the intruders rummage through my room, with pants around my ankles, I nearly tripped trying to shut off the bathroom lights. Ransacking my room, I prayed they would miss my Rolex Submariner I had tossed on the bed in my frenzy to reach the toilet. 
 
 *'' Hey man check out this watch? `` * one of the intruders called out, an army of muffled footsteps raced towards the man. 
 
 *'' Looks expensive, hurry up in here and lets get the fuck outta her'' * The other man remarked. 
 
 As the rage of my watch about to be stolen, I buckled up my pants and silently creaked the door open. As I peered out the door, a lone man stood before me. Reaching in the toilet, I grabbed the plumpest, hardiest turd my hands could find in the mess of what used to be toilet water. I crept up behind the man, turd in tow as it dribbled down my hands. In a silent, lethal swoop I shoved the turd into his face, his eyes flaring from the stench alone. The man suffocated on the turd, gracefully falling into my arms as I placed him gently on the floor. From the day on, I adopted an identity, one who was sworn to protect those in distress, to those left stranded without a ply to wipe with, from that day I became know as the Diarrhea Dude, enforcer of the the oval throne.
