[ WP ] I got a Hitachi Magic Wand , the `` Neck Massager '' . This one was literally a magic wand .

Anika had warned me that this thing was loud, but I did n't expect sparks. I also did n't expect a fairy to pop out, and I certainly did n't expect it to make fun of my tits. 
 
 Hang on, I see that look on your face. Let me back up a bit. 
 
 Like any modern woman, I had needs that a partner could n't always take care of. Anika, for instance, eats out like a champ and John can go for days, but sometimes you just need good vibrations, you know? I'd had a few different toys along the way, but none of them really hit the spot, if you get my drift. Eventually, I gave up and just saved up for the grandaddy of them all - the Hitachi. 
 
 Anika mentioned that they were powerful as hell but just as loud, so the first time I tried it out I had some music going to hide the noise from my roommate. She was n't a prude, but I did n't exactly want to announce to the world I was sticking the sex toy equivalent to a diesel engine to myself. 
 
 Looking back, I should have realized something was wrong when there were sparkles. In my defence, it felt pretty great and I thought I was just seeing stars. It was when there were pink and blue sparks surrounding me that I started to freak out a little. 
 
 Yes, I kept going. No, I do n't appreciate that look you're giving me. 
 
 Anyway, I was, ah, getting ready to... finish, when I heard a cough above my head. I looked up to see one hell of an ugly fairy staring down at me. Seriously, this little chick had great big glittery wings and an equally large nose and mole. She coughed again and in a gravely voice pointed out that one of my boobs is larger than the other, then started laughing. 
 
 I threw the wand at her. I've never been good with impulse control. It knocked her right in the noggin, came unplugged, and we ended up here, in Thistleton. 
 
 Look, asshole, you're the one wearing a hat that is literally an acorn. You're seriously going to judge me for this? 
 
 Once the little jackass recovered she kept laughing as a just sort of stared at the village, buck ass naked, afraid, and mildly frustrated. Glenda - that's her name, you see - ended up doing me a solid eventually and set me up here, at the Red Shingle Inn. Supposedly there's some kind of magical destiny bullshit going on. I was just happy to get pants put on. 
 
 I do n't know why I was chosen, either, but there's one a generation according to pintsize. Other chosen get badass wands or pocket watches... I get a vibrator. Brilliant. 
 
 Now, I told you my story, and you've told me your tale of woe, but I still need payment for your nights stay. A chosen one's got ta eat, eating takes money, and I do n't get paid when little assholes like you do n't pay up. 
 
 No, I wo n't take your acorn hat as payment. It's not even real acorn. And no, you ca n't see the wand.
