[ PI ] Noir - 1stChapter - 2100 words

I've been doing mini-crits of pieces as I go to keep all the pieces straight in my mind. It seems to help the authors, and I know it helps me, so I'll keep doing it here. 
 
 From the opening sentence, this piece lost me. I kept reading because it's a first draft, but it was a minor thing -'screeches as loud as a howler monkey' that killed the piece for me because I lost confidence in the author, particularly when the piece is faced by such formidable competition. ( Howler monkeys are not loud; the noises that howler monkeys make are loud. ) It's pedantic, but it's also a basic writing error in the first sentence, and that was enough to get me off on the wrong foot. 
 
 I then finished the opening paragraph. I love me a good sex scene, but for me this was just overwritten, and not in the'noir' tone the title promises. So by the end of that first paragraph, I was really checked out. ( I'm sorry! ) 
 
 I kept reading, though, and I did find stuff to like in this piece. Not enough to be the winner for me, but once the story cleared its throat and got into the interaction between Kyle and the unnamed woman, the characters became interesting to me. Particularly that she went home with him because she thought he might kill her; that's a fascinating bit of psychology there. 
 
 I'm not sure why Kyle wants to be friends with her just yet. I see why he might, in a second draft, if there was more of a connection - the maybe-kill-me thing makes her unique - but I do n't see in *him* and his conversation with her why that would draw him to her. There's a hook sitting there, and the storytelling makes him bite but I do n't feel like *he* really bit. 
 
 This has some promise, overall. The writing needs to be cleaned up a lot, but that's fixable in later drafts. In general, my advice would be to not try so hard to be'gritty'; it leads to overwriting and unbelievability. Consider each adjective and every metaphor to see if they add value. Some do; many do n't. Same with the details you choose - make sure that they're the *right* details. ( Frex, the bit with the... I do n't know *what* it was, growing out of Kyle's excretion. Did that really add anything? ) 
 
 Good luck in the competition, and with this piece going forward! 
 

