[ WP ] You are abducted by aliens . While aboard their ship , you are chosen to give the alien elders a 5 minute pitch as to why the human race deserves to survive .

The abduction was unexpectedly courteous. Considering the purpose, this may have been expected. The aliens arrived, and politely but firmly informed me that I should dress my best, prepare notes if so desired, and the purpose of my coming meeting. A kindness; I would hate to have wasted humanity ’ s most important five minutes on abject confusion. 
 
 The suit had not seen much use since my Masters program concluded. Heck, I had to consult an image search to recall how to tie my tie. And my shoes, well… they were the most professional thing I owned for the purpose. Better than my garish neon-colored sneakers at least. 
 
 The chamber was massive. Far larger than I had anticipated. Either their ship was absurd in size or they had some means of folding space. I wouldn ’ t know either way; one moment I stated I was ready, the next I was awash with scintillating colors and standing in what seemed a circular arena. On all sides sat countless beings like the ones who had come to me; pale grey flesh, elongated extremities, wide seeking eyes. Our vision of ‘ greys ’ had been fairly close, if we ’ d then spliced them up with goldfish like some Pokemon concept art gone wrong. 
 
 Within what I could only conceive of as a box seat sat one I assumed to be their elder. His- her? It? They? What pronoun do you use with a species you know nothing about? –flesh was paler than the rest, and unlike the simple clothes of the others his was decorated with a bright purple sash. Made me more thankful I left the sneakers at home. Might ’ ve made me seem like I was dressing up above the leadership. 
 
 “ We have gathered to hear this one, an example of the species known as ‘ humans ’, as to the worth of their kind ’ s survival. Human, whatever name you go by, you represent not yourself but the whole of your people. Speak, then, on their behalf. ” 
 
 Articulate. I assume some kind of technology was involved, unless their elder grew up in the United States, given how familiar the voice and accent came off. I cleared my throat, adjusted my tie, and began. 
 
 “ Elder, gathered parties, thank you for your time. You have asked why we deserve to survive. The answer is itself a question; what criteria does one use to judge any race- any sentient being, for that matter –to live or die? It ’ s a question my species has confronted before, time and again, both in actuality and in our fiction. ” A quick glance. A few were nodding, none seemed confused as far as I could tell. Okay, good, they either understand English –and- human culture, or the tech they ’ re using is versatile enough to keep up with whatever their equivalent terms would be. 
 
 “ Some, myself included, would argue that barring a grotesque break from social norms- senseless slaughter of the innocent or some equal crime –any being capable of free will and thought is deserving of life. Others would argue towards value; a person deserves to live if they can function properly, create or build or- as required –destroy. 
 
 “ I can not pretend to know your philosophy. I could point to a thousand museums that together house a million works of art and crafts. I could point equally to a thousand libraries and their texts and tomes. I could point to a thousand military bases and everything within from the trained soldier to the meals ready to eat to armored vehicles and everything in between. Technology on the cutting edge, to the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World. But none of this might sway you. 
 
 “ I could appeal to your, as we say it, humanity. Point to schools filled with children, maternity wards filled with newborns, a class on graduation day, a couple at their wedding. ” I afford myself a pause. “ A grandfather on his death bed, beloved grandson and granddaughter at either side, tearful farewells on their lips. ” 
 It ’ s hard to read a room when you don ’ t know the culture ’ s body language. But I can feel the weight of their eyes. I at least have their attention. 
 
 “ Or, perhaps, your sense of fair play. Honor. After all, what I ’ ve seen suggests we ’ d probably be an easy fight for you. Bit of a technology gulf, you and us, at least at present. Or I could appeal to your curiosity. Look at our history, what we can do within five, ten, twenty years of a major discovery. How fast did we go from having no means of mechanical fight to international flights to landing on our moon? What might we do with, instead, a single nudge or idea from any one of you in this room? 
 
 “ What about your sense of comradery? No species on earth seems a solitary one; is the same true for you? Would you erase peoples with whom you might share a conversation, a laugh, a smile? ” I point to one, which I can tell by the sudden start catches him- just rolling with that for now until I get proof otherwise –unaware. “ Would you rather spend a day utterly alone, or with me along to help out with whatever needed doing, to talk and relax? ” I flash a grin. I ’ m horrible at grins. Never ask me to smile for a photo. But it has the effect I hoped it would. He seems to relax. “ Heck, dunno what you like to eat, but I ’ m a decent cook and a fast study. ” 
 
 My arms extend wide to either side. “ So, what news? Have I persuaded any of you? Sold you on us? We can offer laughs and tears, smiles and frowns. We can build the finest cities and monuments, gaze in wonder at the stars, squabble over shiny rocks in the ground, and debate endlessly the nature of invisible intangible concepts. We can create worlds that never were and express them in text and song and picture. We can take the impossible, make it improbable, make it possible, and then make it a simple everyday fact of life. And! ” A finger pointed high. “ You would not believe what we can do with a mystery basket of ingredients in thirty minutes or less. Seriously, if you can intercept telecommunication signals, find a television program called Chopped. That should tell you all you need to know about keeping us around. ” 
 
 I take a breath. I ’ m sweating bullets, and only now realized it. Yay adrenaline. Am I at my limit? Would they tell me if I was? It felt like five minutes have passed. I wish I ’ d brought a wristwatch. Wish I had one with a fresh battery; not much of a need with smartphones around, until you ’ re abducted and dancing as fast as you can to not get humanity killed. 
 
 Then, something sounds out. Laughter. The elder alien is laughing. I think it ’ s laughter, it sounds like laughter. Maybe it ’ s how they speak? But no, the laughter spreads, and now more than just that one is laughing. They ’ re all laughing. 
 
 “ Human… let me see if I ’ ve got this right. You ’ re given five minutes to convince us your species should exist, and you close out with a cooking show? ” 
 
 “ Um… yes? ” I shrug nervously. “ I figured it might buy us an extra hour. Forty minutes without commercials, at least. ” 
 
 Another round of laughter. Then the lead alien sighs. “ Human, I thank you. That was worth this. You ’ re a decent salesman. ” I smile. “ Decent, not great. I ’ ll give you ‘ articulate ’ as well. ” His hand wavers in a so-so motion. Now this is getting weird. That ’ s a very, well, us sort of idiom. 
 
 “ So… does this mean we live? ” 
 
 “ Oh, that was never in doubt. ” What. My expression seems to convey that word well enough. “ Well, we said for you to give us a speech as to why your kind should live. The worth of your survival, I believe I said myself. I never said that was going to be the judging criteria. 
 
 “ You surely did not think we ’ d grab a single person, out of all your species, and expect within so short a timeframe for you to somehow convey to us all that which your kind could offer. Did you? What if we had chosen someone who had hatred in them, or great sorrow? Someone who couldn ’ t sell or speak to large gatherings at all out of… ” A strange atonal set of noises followed. “ Stage fright? ” 
 
 “ That ’ s the phrase, yeah… but… then why all this? ” 
 
 “ You said it yourself. Laughter and tears, smiles and frowns. You acquitted yourself decently, and your kind- while it has many problems –is indeed worthy of survival by our criteria. But, well… ” He sighed. “ We came so far, and have been watching so damn long. After all that, we needed a bit of humor before we did anything else. ” 
 I could feel my smile threatening to split my face wide open. “ So, okay, great! Awesome, even! What, uh, what now? ” 
 
 “ You go back, we work out the means by which we ’ ll come down and introduce ourselves- we ’ re leaning towards some sort of video or audio warning first, do you think that ’ s wise? ” I give a nod. “ Thought so too. We –have- seen your The Day The Earth Stood Still, after all. ” 
 
 “ The original I hope. ” 
 
 “ We saw both. We ’ ve seen it all. Nice thing about those ‘ telecommunication signals ’ as you put it, your kind really likes to play everything old and new these days. We ’ re hoping to avoid the trappings of danger and threat if possible. ” 
 
 “ Oh. Okay. That… you ’ re not using a machine to understand me or vice versa right now, are you? ” 
 “ As you would say, nope. ” 
 
 A nervous laugh escaped me. “ Wow, okay. So… hey, if you need another laugh, or something, come on by? ” 
 
 The elder chuckled. “ We ’ ll hold you to that. Farewell, human. Expect to hear from us soon. ” 
 
 That was two days ago. I guess, after their signal went global, I won ’ t be thought of as too much of a crackpot if I tell my story now. They ’ re showing up in person only in a few places, all limited and protected as to avoid too much danger. What happens next, honestly, I couldn ’ t say. They seemed like a decent sort, but I never found out what already sold them on us. Here ’ s hoping it ’ s more ‘ Star Trek ’ and less ‘ To Serve Man ’. 

