[ WP ] You 've just died and wake at Heaven 's gate . Saint Peter stands there and points toward a pay phone , hands you a quarter , and whispers `` you have five minutes . ''

A man picks up a phone, and dials a number. He does n't have much time, he thinks, so he'll have to talk quick. 
 
 `` Mary? It's me. Listen- no, I'm not alive, St. Peter let me have one last phone call. I just need- God *bless* it Mary, could you please shut up and just listen?'' 
 
 `` There's a lockbox buried in the backyard with the gold I saved up over the years. No, of course I did n't tell you, you'd have told me to dig it up and invest it in that'fixer-upper' over on seventh!'' 
 
 `` Mary, now's not the time for this argument again. I only have a few minutes with this call so I've got to make sure everything is in order with you before our idiot kids rush in to steal all our shit now that I'm gone.'' 
 
 `` I sent off the trust papers to the Ms. Yi last week, not our usual guy. Marty always half-asses the important papers, so go to her for all the information, make sure I did n't forget anything.'' 
 
 `` And remember, I wanted my body to be cremated. The funeral will be a lot cheaper for us and simpler for everyone else. No- no we did n't really talk about it. Yes, I understand it was hard for you, but here's where we are. You'll be happier if you cremate me. Christ, what other option is there, just keep me there to stink up the place? Alright, fine. See if St. Augustus' needs an old body for their students to practice on. No, I do n't know if they still do that. If they do n't, just make sure I get cremated, alright?'' 
 
 `` Okay. Yes, I understand. No, there's not enough time to get them on the line. No, I do n't have anything else to say. You're smart, Mary. You'll figure out where to go from here. Oh, and throw out those leftovers in the fridge, that potluck was such a waste of time and food. Alright? Alright. I love you, bye.'' 
 
 The man hung up the phone and turned back to the entrance to Heaven. 
 
 St. Peter looked at the man curiously. `` When I offered you a five minute call to your loved ones, I was n't quite expecting something so mundane.'' 
 
 The man simply grunted. `` I saved my wife a few weeks of stress.'' 
 
 St. Peter cocked his head. `` But you could have given her a lifetime of closure. Why focus on such little things?'' 
 
 The man furrowed his brow, like St. Peter had asked him a question in a foreign language. `` There was stuff that still needed to be take care of.'' 
 
 St. Peter gives the man a beneficent smile. `` But there will always be more- I had hoped you might learn the importance of things like reflection, compassion, and grief.'' 
 
 The man's look did n't ease up. `` Jesus Christ, you sound like my hippy kid. Look, I'm an old man. Not as old as I hoped I'd be when I got here, but still. God made old men, save for the ones in government, to fix small problems. I'm good at that, and God saw fit to make sure I was never hurting for work. So how about we speed this along? Open up the gates or send me down, I'm sure I could find a poker game either place.'' 
 
 `` And after the day I've had, I'd like to just sit down and do that than keep talking about nothing.''
