[ MP ] The National - Do n't Swallow the Cap

I'm never drinking again. God, there has to be some alternative to AA without all of the... God talk. I. *Fuck*. The fuck did she have to call in the 30 seconds I was pissing. Why the *fuck* did that drunk bitch answer my phone? 
 
 Heh. Pot, meet kettle. I feel stupid and contagious. I feel... sticky? I feel sick. 
 
... 
 
 There went a hundred bucks worth of whiskey. God damnit. I need somewhere to stay. I might... need somewhere to stay for quite a while. No. She'll forgive me. She'll understand. She has to understand. 
 
 What's there to understand? I'm an alcoholic and an asshole. I'm a shell of the man she fell in love with. I'm a big ball of anxiety, desparately devoted to her, but too drunk to always remember it. What if she leaves? 
 
 Putting my arm around the love of my life and watching my sunshine, watching this angel that only several decades of scientific consensus can convince me is half me, learn and grow and start her own adventure in life. That future, my life, everything I love in the world, is on the table tonight. 
 
 
 This is... the end. She's going to leave. She's... she's going to take Emma. 
 
 She's going to take Emma. 
 
 I'm done. If I never again get to come home to my girls standing at the door, I've got no reason to keep living. Can she do it alone? Could my parents handle it? Aaron? No one at work would fucking care. I should just do it. Tonight. Do n't even let her make a decision. That way she ca n't blame herself. Do it tonight. Do it tonight. Do it -- sh-shit! Fucking uneven sidewalk. What asshole installed this fucking sidewalk. World's easiest job and this fuckwit... 
 
 my god, that is going to be a beautiful sunrise. The way the light breaks beyond the houses; the first few streaks of light through the clouds... 
 
 What if she can forgive me. What if she can. I can stop drinking. I ca n't control it once I start, but I can just completely stop. End this self-destructive bullshit.... Do something constructive. Pick up a hobby, maybe. What hobby? Fuck it, anything. Whittling. You'll figure something out. Just keep walking. 
 
 These are certainly times of trouble, but maybe Mother Mary had it right. Let's wait and see how that next conversation goes. 
 
 You fucking drama queen.
