[ WP ] I cut open a green pepper tonight and found a giant caterpillar inside . Please create a convoluted conspiracy that explains who put it there and why .

... And then he laughed an evil laugh. He began to speak in his well-bred attempt at a neutral broadcast-english accent. 
 
 `` They, uh... They'll never suspectit. I, uh... I hired, uh, Dick. Cheney, that is. He's one of the best. But, ah, as I was saying - I hired him to infiltrate GreenThumb Farms Inc. I, ah, I told him -'Dick. This is your priiimary mission. You will insert this device. You will, ah, They will ship it out and they will be all the unaware of our clever, ah, plot.'' 
 
 Adjusting his chair he looked around his office and cleared his throat before he continued. 
 
 `` The, ah, theproblemhere... was that Dick is not known for his, ah... Intelligence. He broke in. Locked himself in a broom closet. They, ah, found him. He said it was an unofficial tour. The, ah, owners, of course... were wellawarethat Dick is no longer in office and just assumed he, uh, lost his damn mind. Got old or something. So, I had to find a new operator.'' 
 
 `` I said, ah, Chuck. Chuck Norris. I want him. He's the guy. And so it was done. Little did I know, he's a big fan of fad diets. I, ah, was under the impression that he was just a total badass-type. He, ah, was n't. So, he switched the target with something similar. My intel, uh, tells me its a... Green pepper. Green. Could you believe it?'' 
 
 He sits behind his desk absently, apparently collecting his thoughts. He looks down at the family dog and continues. 
 
 `` So, here I am. Dick screwed up. Chuck is all whack. I do n't even know what he did with the device. All I know is that somewhere, someplace, on this world, a green pepper is arriving with a very advanced piece of technology inside disguised as a... ah caterpillar. Hopefully, as things tend to be, the FBI will intercept it and it'll all be over. But, if not... I pray for that poor soul who finds it. Hopefully they'll think its a normal caterpillar and simply destroy it. It is, ah, oneofakind... designed by the, department of defense.'' 
 
 He leans down and pets the dog. `` Any, ah, any further questions?'' 
 
 `` Yes, Mr President. What happens if he does n't destroy this alleged device.'' 
 
 Suddenly serious, he frowns a diplomatic frown and points his hand, in the shape of the well known political no-pointing shape, at the Intel Agent standing before him. 
 
 `` Well, son. I, ah, I would say he's either going to have a bad salad... or, ah, a bad, bad day. If you hear anything, please let Dr. Stanlon know immediately. We must recover the device. You are dismissed.'' 
 
 `` Thank you Mr President. Enjoy your afternoon. ``, he said before turning on his heel and walking quickly-nervously out of the room. 
 
 The president sat in his oval office alone, well, besides his dog. He looks down at the pooch. `` You, ah, you think I should have hired that McGuivre guy? I heard he can make a thermonuclear hand grenade out of a pint of whiskey and 3 paperclips...'' 
 
 A knock from the door interrupts him. Muffled, `` Mr. President, Sir, It is time for your press conference.'' 
 
 The President stands up and begins to walk to the door. In the back of his mind the thought flows quickly,'They'll never know it was you either way. They wo n't know that your whole intention was to ruin someones dinner so that finally, for once, they can say, `` Thanks Obama'', with good reason. But they'd never know.'
