[ WP ] A loving couple slowly starts to realize they are that asshole Redditor they 're arguing with .

Realization comes slowly, often a light seeping into the darkness. Sometimes it is a cancer eroding strength and life and the will to live. It comes slowly, but it always comes. 
 
 
 I might be one for hyperbole, but come on, are n't we all? I was down that day, as I am now and I was thinking about the past. Thinking about mistakes. On the internet, anonymity is a freedom. I figured what the hell. Maybe posting my stresses would help relieve them. 
 
 
 Reddit's screen is white, if you've never been on that site, and it's like a message forum where people post things and talk with each other. I made an account, a throwaway account, and I decided it would n't hurt to post the hell of life. 
 
 
 My world had been slowly crumbling. Have you ever experienced the slow degradation of a relationship? The chipping away of words, the slow sowing of salt in communication? The coldness that begins to emanate and you just ca n't finger why. Why are things like this? How did it get like this? Your world crumbles. There is n't much you can do. 
 
 
 I posted on Reddit, asking for advice, insight, anything. My room then was empty, my wife in the living room, and a low anxiety building. The silence that was so unaccustomed in our house made my heart beat hard and fast. I needed a distraction. Any help. Anything. I kept refreshing the page. 
 
 
 I am not a good writer and my post was not good. I tried to capture the feelings that were within, to just put my sadness across. I think I managed to be pathetic. 
 
 
 The comments came slowly. Some were encouraging. Others were the expected. Dump her. Go to the gym. Delete Facebook. They could n't understand what it's like when you've been with someone for decades. They could n't understand that maybe the problem was something more than just a fling. But I ca n't blame them. Perhaps I did not communicate it well enough. 
 
 
 Then another commented. BrokenHeart1998. The coincidence struck me. I was married in 1998. This person seemed to relate. He said that he knew what I was going through. 
 
 
'Sometimes you feel apprehensive when you SI walks in the room. You might blame it on PMS, or a bad day or something else, but it keeps happening. You think of all the years that have passed. You think how can someone be so callous? How can they ignore the love that you obviously feel, but to them it's something that does n't exist. You feel worried that she'll leave. You're worried that she might be cheating ( and she might be! ). You're scared of your life falling apart and not being able to do anything or pick up the pieces. So many things are out of your control.' 
 
 
 That was exactly how I felt. I told him as much. I asked if he had gone through something similar. 
 
 
'Yes. My husband actually. He makes me feel like that. He's always busy. Always on the computer. Always too busy to do anything with me. I feel like a burden around him. And he gets me upset and then makes me feel like it's my fault.' 
 
 
 And I was an ass, as well as blind. When something hits home you have to lash out. It's a rule on the internet. If only realization worked faster! 
 
 
'Maybe you're being too hard on him? Idk, it sounds a bit like me tbh. Does your husband work? Maybe he's just tired. Your spot on about the feeling, but maybe your a bit too harsh.' 
 
 
'And you sound even more and more like him.' 
 
 No one upvoted me. On Reddit, upvotes are how you know your worth. 
 
 
 The silence in my room grew. Funny how that is, is n't it? My heart beat a noiseless rhythm. I shook, a subtle tremble of sadness and fear. My world was crumbling. 
 
 
'You stupid bitch.' 
 
 
 I closed the site after and put away the laptop. I was not in sound mind and the years slipped past in a taunting blur. My identity, everything that was me, was on the brink of collapse. 
 
 
 *What do they know? * I thought. 
 
 
 From the living room I heard my wife crying. 
 
 
 *She's cheating. It's her other man. * 
 
 
 But some things remain ingrained. I loved this woman. As contrary as it seems, I love her and her pain cut deeper than any other pain in the world. I hung up my insecurities and went to her. 
 
 
 That apprehension came, the readying for a fight. But she was sobbing and the coldness was not so cold. 
 
 
 `` What's the matter?'' I asked. 
 
 
 She ignored me. It was the routine now. 
 
 
 `` Please tell me what's the matter.'' 
 
 
 She pointed at her phone and I thought I had to be dreaming. Realization finally reached and it hit me like a shock. 
 
 
'You stupid bitch.' 
 
 
 Who could write something like that? Could I really be so awful? 
 
 
 `` What's this?'' I asked. 
 
 
 I was embarrassed. She said it was a Reddit thread and then she said she did n't want me to see it. 
 
 
 I held her and she let me and that was how I knew she was really hurt. 
 
 
 `` Please let me read it.'' 
 
 
 I read it and made my decision. I loved this woman. I was not perfect. I am scum, even today. But I could not lose it all. I loved her and I love her still. 
 
 
 `` Do you really feel like that?'' I asked. 
 
 
 She nodded. 
 
 
 `` Do you feel like him?'' she asked. 
 
 
 `` No,'' I said. `` He sounds like an asshole. I would never be like that. Please do n't cry. I'm sorry, I'm...'' 
 
 
 I did n't expect to cry. The emotions were genuine and though I felt manipulative, I knew I could repent. This was my chance. 
 
 
 `` I'm sorry. I do n't want to make you feel like this. You should never have to feel like this.'' 
 
 
 The rest of it is private, as you can imagine. We talked long and true and the room got less and less cold. She loved me as I loved her. We both were wrong and we both had things to work on. I had never known how much of an ass I was. How disregarding I could be. 
 
 
 I try to change. I work hard everyday. I ca n't say that it is all perfect, but the restoration has begun. Our world is still damaged, crumbled and hurt, but there are plasters there now. There is hope. Hope an open communication. I think that is enough. I think we can make it work.
