[ WP ] Instead of being funded by John Hammond , Jurassic Park is instead funded by his second cousin on his father 's side : Richard Hammond . Along with Jeremy Clarkson and James May , how would Jurassic Park : Top Gear Edition be different ?

Announcer Jeremy: Tonight, on The Grand Tour: James is attacked by a Compy. I take a casual off-road drive in a Land Rover. And Richard pees himself. 
 
 Jeremy: Helloooo Hellooooo, thank you thank you, and welcome to the Grand Tour. Coming to you from Isla Meurta. 
 
 James: I say does n't that mean the Island of Death? 
 
 Jeremy: Yes it does James, but do n't think too much about it we've been in worse places. 
 
 James: Like what, exactly? I saw an actual Dinosaur as we came in on the Engine Helicopter. Four feet and a giant gaping mouth. 
 
 Hammond: Looked rather like Margaret Thatcher 
 
 Jeremy: Thank you Richard. No that was a herbivore, and we like herbivores, they do n't try to eat us. 
 
 Richard: Wait hold on how do you know it was a herbivore? You are no expert on dinosaurs sir. In fact you are an expert on nothing. Why are we here? 
 
 Jeremy: Hammond we are here because your lawyer called the Producers and informed them that you now own this park, and the Producers saw an opportunity. 
 
 Richard: Wait hold on, I own this now? They did n't tell me that. 
 
 Jeremy: No they were waiting to see if you got eaten first. 
 
 James: May I just point out that while the dinosaur we saw when we first landed was in fact a Diplodocus and thus a herbivore, there are signs on this map I've just been handed by the Producers which clearly say Tyrannosaurus Rex pens and Velociraptor Field. These are not... 
 
 Jeremy: Yes yes, that's all well and good James, but nobody cares about what you're saying because it's boring. We have been given a challenge. We are to, in a word, survive. We will make our way from this welcome center, through the Raptor fields, past the T-Rex pen, and lastly finish the tour at the exit gates here at the ferry dock. And we will be doing so in these: Richard you'll be driving a 2003 Jeep Grand Cherokee. James you shall be driving a 1988 Toyota Land Cruiser, and I shall be driving a 2001 Land Rover. Mine of course has more power, because I asked for the most powerful one. 
 
 James: They all look hideous. 
 
 Jeremy: Blame Hammond for that, he owns this place now this is his paint scheme. 
 
 Richard: Wait you ca n't blame me for this I've just found out I own the place. And do n't touch that, that looks expensive to fix. 
 
 Announcer Jeremy: So we set off on our tour of the island. The Producers gave each of us a flare gun and a package of bear spray, along with a map. James wanted to lead the way but I quickly determined that he was going too slowly so I chose an opportune moment to surge ahead. 
 
 James: Clarkson you pillock, we have no idea what's ahead of us, slow down! 
 
 Richard: Yes slow down Jeremy, you might crash into my new park and if you do you're paying for the damages. 
 
 Jeremy: Hammond if I crash into anything it will just be petrol in a few years so look on the bright side, you've got a future in OPEC! 
 
 Announcer Jeremy: Everything was going smoothly under my direction when suddenly things took a turn for the worse. 
 
 James:... of course this entire park appears to be fabricated from plants and animals that evolved millions of years apart, and could never have existed the same time. That plant over to our right for example is from the Triassic era, while that small dinosaur up ahead would appear to have been from the Tithonian age... 
 
 Announcer Richard: James was then attacked by a large number of small dinosaurs. The Toyota was up to the task. 
 
 James: Get away from me you little bast.... 
 
 Jeremy: Everything ok back there James? I accidentally bumped a gate open a few minutes ago, I trust everything is progressing normally? 
 
 James: Clarkson you cock, you've let some dinosaurs out into the wild and they've attacked my truck. My tires have been eaten by some sort of acid. 
 
 Richard: What do you mean you bumped a gate open Jeremy? If you've damaged my park I'm going to have it taken from your pay. 
 
 Announcer Jeremy: We progressed through the park, James with a new tire and horribly scarred paint job that actually improved the look of his Toyota. As we approached the Raptor portion of the journey Richard began to show signs of sluggishness. 
 
 Jeremy: Something wrong with your Jeep Richard? You seem to be falling behind. 
 
 Richard: No, no nothing wrong with the Jeep. I just keep feeling like we are being watched. 
 
 James: Of course we're being watched there are cameras all over the place. 
 
 Richard: No, I think there's something out there. 
 
 Announcer Jeremy: Hammond was right. His natural instincts as a small animal that survived by sensing when hunters were tracking him were showing through. 
 
 James: Come on Richard. Everything is behind a fence. Unless Jeremy has broken another gate. 
 
 Jeremy: I merely grazed that one thank you very much. 
 
 Richard: Grazed it? Going 50 MPH? 
 
 Jeremy: Oh cheer up Hammond, look at all this magnificent land, all of it yours. 
 
 Richard: Not after you get through with it, you're destroying it piece by piece. And what was that noise? 
 
 Announcer James: That noise was in fact, a Raptor jumping onto the roof of Richards Jeep. 
 
 James: Wow, what an excellent example of a Velociraptor. Flash it with your high beams Richard. 
 
 Richard: Ahhhhhhhhhhh 
 
 Jeremy: Hammond control yourself. The Producers would n't send us out here in the wild if they thought we could come to harm. Use your bear spray, I'm sure it will work. 
 
 Richard: Ahhhh, the cap is broken, the cap is broken. Here we go, and ahhhhOhh god I've sprayed myself. I've sprayed myself. And peed myself if I'm honest. 
 
 James: It's worked, the bear spray is driving the Raptor away! By Jove Hammond! 
 
 Announcer Jeremy: Having survived the Raptors and the devious Compys, we now made our way into the dragons den of all lions dens. The Tyrannosaurus Rex pen. All of us were more than willing to proceed past this point in the tour but the Producers insisted. 
 
 Jeremy:... And so you see the Land Rover is simply superior to anything else on the road. Look at what we've been through so far. My Land Rover has managed to suffer nothing but a few dents in the bumper. Hammond's Jeep is a mess of urine feces and bear spray, which I'm sure will take forever to clean and the roof is barely holding up. James Land Cruiser is of course the indestructible truck but even it could not escape this tour unscathed. 
 
 Richard: Jeremy you've gone off the road. Jeremy you're on the wrong path. 
 
 Jeremy: That's ok, my Land Rover can handle anything. I know what I'm doing, I'm going to race you both to the dock. 
 
 James: You win Jeremy, come back please. You're headed into the T-Rex pen itself. It's marked off limits. 
 
 Jeremy: No no, I will have none of your nonsense James May. They could not have a fully grown T-Rex on this island, it's too small. It would starve. My Land Rover can out race anything else on this island, including you're two pitiful excuses for 4x4s. 
 
 Announcer Richard: And with that we shut up and let him go. We could always find a new co-host. Chris Evans is n't doing anything. 
 
 Jeremy: I may have erred when I said they could n't have a full grown T-Rex on this island. Because I am stuck right now in a ditch. A ditch that looks remarkably like a footprint. And I do n't know if I can get out of it. Time to switch to sport mode. And now press the fiddly little button, and here we go....no no that did n't do it. I'll have to engage the Terrain Management system and switch it to Mud/Ruts. There we go and... hahah yes we are free! Britain is gloriously victorious once again! 
 
 Announcer Jeremy: I should n't have been so happy. I might have been out of the ditch but my efforts to gain freedom had been noticed. 
 
 Jeremy: Oh my god what is that? Must go faster. Land Rover do n't fail me now! 
 
 James: Jeremy scientists estimate that T-Rexs can only reach a top speed of 40 kilometers per hour! You can do it Clarkson! 
 
 Announcer Richard: As we rounded the last bend to the docks we could see Jeremy in his Land Rover being chased by a T-Rex. 
 
 Richard: It's almost got you Jeremy, turn hard right! 
 
 James: Yes, lets see what turns better, a Land Rover or a T-Rex. 
 
 Clarkson: Now is really not the time James! 
 
 Announcer James: In fact it was. Clarkson's sharp turn was in fact the difference, and as we boarded the ferry, our cars full of mud and our own biowaste, we could n't help but thank goodness that dinosaurs could n't fly. 
 
 Announcer Jeremy: And on that Bombshell, gooodnight! 
 
 edit: Thank you all for the kind words. I saw the story right in front of me as soon as I saw the topic. Brilliant suggestion. And I changed gasoline to petrol. Because of COURSE it would be petrol. 
 
 edit 2: Wow, thanks for the gold. Was n't expecting that! 

