[ WP ] Write a story from the perspective of a guard in a stealth game .

`` So there I was, right? Standing by the portcullis, you know? The one that leads to not a god damn thing but another gate? Anyway, I was talking to Ralph about this rye bread I got the other day. Had some mold on it, ate it anyway. Long story short, I tried to eat my daughter and race my stairs to the pumpkin that was riding our dog. Do n't get rye bread from Karl's.'' 
 
 *adjusts in seat, favoring right leg* 
 
 `` Anyway, Ralph is all'ahuuahaha', you know the way he laughs, right? Damn idiot could embarrass a seal. We're talkin and all of a sudden I see him. He's about one hundred-fifty paces out and walkin real funny. He'd stop, then walk, then stop, then jump, then stop, then run. Craziest thing I ever saw. I thought this guy had eaten some of Karl's bread at first then he just started crouching and walking real slow. Ralph had this `` genius'' idea to just keep doin what we were doing and pretend we did n't see him. Seemed like a troublesome fellow. Had a bow and some daggers and all that. At first he had his bow out. Then he shouldered his bow and took out both daggers. Nice fuckin daggers by the way! All black and shiny and jagged. Did n't look like they had been used though. But this guy, man. He just keeps slinkin toward us. He's maybe thirty or thirty-five paces out now when he just stops. Ralph and I are just standing there at attention like we're supposed to be, you know?, not really sure if this is a test of some sort. I mean, it's broad freakin daylight and this guy is now doing some type of roll thing move tumble over toward a bush and he stops again. Then the fucker shoots Ralph with his bow! I mean just *twek*! Right in Ralphs chest. Poor Ralph was too stunned to do anything. He just looked down at his chest and then over at me as if to say `` Did he just shoot me?'' and then again! *klekt*! He missed, I think, because Ralph was falling but damn! That next shot would have put some wood between his eyes!'' 
 
 *sighs* 
 
 `` So, Ralph's dead. I'm still trying to process what the flying pig shit is going on when all of a sudden this guy does his little tumbley roll thing over into another bush! I'm like, `` HEY! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, MAN?'' I think he took this as a threat because next thing I know, I have an arrow flying in my direction. I yell back at him again, `` HEY! CUT IT OUT MAN! WHAT THE HELL?'' but I'm also no fool and start yelling for you lazy dicks but who's around in ear shot? Not a damned one of you. I swear it was like the time it takes a tree to grow before I managed just to make it inside the door and then all of a sudden, there it was.'' 
 
 `` That's when I took an arrow to the knee.''
