[ WP ] Write a letter to the you ten years ago . ( If you do n't feel comfortable posting it online , feel free to keep it to yourself . )

Hey there /u/booksblanketsandtea of ten years ago. You're about to finish your first year of high school. You're 19 days away from turning 14 years old. If I remember correctly, on that day you'll wake up early ( for once ) and sneak out of the boarding house at about five thirty and go for a walk around school. You'll sit in your PJ's on the bridge over the stream by the fine arts block and watch the ducks as the city around you starts to wake up. The last of the cherry blossoms will be floating in the water, and you'll think `` today I am fourteen. I'm going to remember this moment'' ( well done, you still do ). 
 
 You are so young, in that moment. You feel different, more grown up ( which is pretentious of you, you were kind of a ridiculous kid, but you did n't get pregnant or arrested or fuck up *too* badly at anything, so I'll let it slide ). 
 
 ( but seriously, that journal you're keeping makes you cringe so hard a few years later, please stop ). 
 
 I do n't really know what to tell you, in this letter. You did pretty well in school. Probably should have tried harder when it came to science ( it's actually kind of interesting now that it's not being shoved down your throat, though you still do n't really understand any of it. But space is cool. ) but after you study hard at the end of next year they put you in an A-band class and that just fucks you over, so really it's *because* you tried hard that you get screwed over, so I do n't really know where I was going with this. 
 
 Keep an eye on Holly. You do n't really talk much until you are in the same badminton team, but she's going to need someone to talk to. She had friends, everyone liked and got along with her, but it did n't help her or her family. Keep an eye on her. Tell someone when you notice something wrong. It could save them. 
 
 Visit your Grandparents more. Especially talk more to Grandad - you spend a lot of time with Nana after he dies, and you love her all the more for it ( she makes you feel like you actually do belong in this family. She's your missing link ). Get to know Grandad better. Write down his ridiculous stories. Spend time on the farm with him. You and your Nana are so similar, he'll tell you one day ( he's right ). Auntie Liz will say one day that that is why you were his favourite. It might be true. It might just be because you make him laugh ( that'd be fine, too ). 
 
 Do n't be afraid of life after high school. You and the boys are still all friends. You kind of drift from the girls a bit ( except Katie; you still live together - first preschool, then boarding school, now six years later and the poor girl ca n't get rid of you! ) but you hang out with most of the guys regularly, and catch up with the others at least once a year. Do n't worry that you do n't want to have sex with them, or any of the guys you date. You have n't found anyone you're honestly attracted to yet. Maybe you wo n't ever. It's not as big a deal as you think it is. Oh - that guy, in Wellington. Do n't meet him for coffee. He's creepy as fuck and kisses you when you do n't want to be kissed. It's gross. 
 
 As well as Katie, you live with some people who are honestly becoming your best friends. You stay up all night and play video games, trade Pokemon cards, read Harry Potter ( do n't bother getting excited about the new book, by the way. Do yourself a favour and ignore its existence ). You go on road trips and buy each other gifts and tell each other secrets. You surround yourself with people who love the same things and you, and who love you. You wo n't believe how much your friends love you, and it's only when you break down driving home from holiday with them ( the ones from high school, not the new ones you're living with ) that you understand how much they love you. It breaks you, a little bit. But it also keeps you here, alive. Them, and the thought of your baby sister finding you. 
 
 When you start feeling like the world is too much, tell someone. When you stop enjoying things, when you ca n't stop feeling anxious, when you ca n't stop yourself staring out the window and crying ( like I said, you're a bit pretentious ) - please just *tell someone*. It does n't go away until you acknowledge it, and only then after a few years of some seriously fucking awful crap. You'll go through different meds and therapists. I do n't know how to help you with that. Just.. keep at it. Talk to people. Let yourself be loved. Do n't starve yourself ( you went down to 45kgs ) but do n't eat your feelings either ( you're now at 80kg ). Keep playing sport, even though you do n't *really* enjoy it. Write more. Finish that story you've recently started - you do n't think it's very good now, but people online really enjoy it and you still get the odd message asking if it's ever going to be finished. 
 
 Be kinder to your brother. Tell your sister she makes you proud every single day, simply by being her - she does n't have to prove anything to you or to anyone else. Make sure she knows that. Be more grateful to your parents; you do n't know it yet, but they're both working two ( later three ) jobs to keep you at that ridiculous school. Oh, and when you nearly get expelled later on, stick to your ideals. You are in the right. The uniform is disgusting, and the students had a right to protest against it - do n't be cowed by empty threats. And for gods sake, do n't cry just because you got called into the rectors office; you're a drama student, now act like you're tough, FFS. 
 
 
 There are a lot more things I could tell you. The world is often terrifying. It always has been, to be honest. But you'll do okay. You drop out of Uni ( that depression I warned you about ) but you end up going back. You're studying something you've always loved and did n't even know was an option. You're working at the Uni too, and it's a cool job with brilliant pay. It's a step to where you think you want to be. 
 
 Keep going. 
 
 The road is long, but you'll enjoy it, for the most part.
