[ WP ] You are an omnipotent god . Out of boredom you decided to live an ordinary human life vowing not to use your power . 15 years has pass and you have a 9 to 5 working for a major tech company . Your boss has been tormenting you for years and you have reach your limit

Consider the palm tree. 
 
 Long considered a sign of peace and fertility, the palm tree is one of my more ingenious designs. Hearty, unique, deeply useful, and not without a fair touch of artistry, these botanical wonders are an integral part of many habitats and cultures. They represent a significant investment of labor and consideration on my part. The palm tree is just one of many gifts I have bestowed upon the world. You are very welcome. 
 
 Now consider Tad Melman. 
 
 Tad is a walking, talking pile of rhinoceros shit. I did n't make him. Greg and Nancy Melman made him, and they did an enormously shitty job of it. Tad is quite intelligent, but not in any meaningful way. He's a great get if you want to win at pub trivia and not enjoy a single second of it. If you'd like to hear a lengthy assessment of what your font choices and comma usage says about you as a writer, Tad's your guy. If you'd like constructive criticism or clear, achievable directions, Tad's gon na come up a little short. Tad's voice will make your scrotum retract. Tad is garbage. 
 
 But that's just part of being human, I suppose - people like Tad. 
 
 I mentioned the palm trees, because there's a single palm tree in the center of the Max Tech campus, surrounded by marble benches and bronze plaques, raised in honor of the company's founding fathers. I like to sit there on my lunch breaks and consider my circumstances. 
 
 For fifteen years now I've been living on Earth, being a human, and suffering alongside everyone else. It's been a real eye-opener. At first, I promised myself that I'd give the mortal world a real go. Try everything. Experience it all. I *did* go to Japan and go skydiving and meet Nicholas Cage and try meth. After that, the only thing left was hiring a prostitute, but I chickened out at the last minute. Somehow, someway, in that lull between adventures I found a job writing technical manuals for the world's largest manufacturer of novelty calculators. I mean... I really have no idea how that happened. It's been fine, I suppose, and there's something to be said for the stability, but there's also something to be said for the living, breathing double-ended dildo that is Tad Melman, my boss and the single worst human being to have ever existed. And that's saying something coming from me. 
 
 I could n't even point out one single event that defines the shittiness of Tad. He's just a wet blanket soaked in farts 24 hours day, seven days a week. He likes to ask about my weekend every Monday morning, even though he clearly does n't give even an eighth of a fuck about my weekend. He's got a coffee mug that says *BOSS* on it. He schedules meetings on Friday afternoon - *Friday fucking afternoon! *. 
 
 I'd say he was the Devil if I did n't know for a certainty that the Devil only takes jobs in government work or the food service industry. 
 
 All of this is a roundabout way of trying to justify what I did today. Because you see, I promised that as long as I was down here on Earth, I would just be a human. Nothing more. 
 
 But today, you see, Tad brought in donuts. 
 
 Tad brought in donuts and told us all to have one. I sensed a trap, but I was in a rush this morning, I had n't had breakfast. I went to grab a donut and Tad said: 
 
 `` You're welcome.'' 
 
 Had I said `` Thank you'' yet? No, I had not. Was I going to? Yes, of course. I'm not an animal. *I had n't even lifted the fucking thing out of the box! * And here he is, with the preemptive `` You're welcome.'' As if I had forgotten. As if I were a *child*. 
 
 `` You're welcome.'' 
 
 That was the final straw. 
 
 Four things happened in short order: 
 
 1. Tad lost the ability to speak. 
 
 2. Tad was stripped naked. 
 
 3. Tad was wrapped inside a cocoon made of glazed donuts, with only his eyes, his nostrils, and his genitals left exposed. 
 
 4. Tad was hung upside down out the window of the seventh floor break room. 
 
 I was wrong to do it. I admit that. And if Tad has the guts to fire me, I'll accept that decision without a word of complaint. After all, it may be time for me to get moving on again. But in the meantime, I'm just back at my desk, working in peace and quiet. Because really, the work's not so bad when you do n't have someone like Tad Melman around to ruin it for you. 
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 Belated plug for my subreddit, /r/WinsomeMan! I'm still not sure what purpose it serves, and I often forget it exists for days on end, but it's got some stories on it and sometimes... sometimes that's good enough.
