[ wp ] J J Abrams has to announce to the public he started an actual Star War while filming Force Awakens , write his speech

People of Earth, 
 
 For my entire career as a Producer and Director, I have considered it both a privilege and an honor to make a living doing that which I love so much. The fact that my passion has made me one of the most successful filmmakers of our time proves to me that I am, without a doubt, the luckiest man on the face of the Earth. So before I go on, I would like to thank each and every one of my fans for their support over the years; it has meant so very much to me. 
 
 Now, such honor does not come without a price. In return for the all the fortune and acclaim that the movie-going public has showered me with, I have always felt it is my duty to repay them with the greatest film watching experience possible. As a result, I've never cut a single corner in any of my productions, regardless of the cost or difficulty in doing so. It's my way of telling everyone who's bought a ticket or watched a show, “ Hey, I appreciate you ”. 
 
 This dedication has meant different things for each of my creative outputs. Some were simple, such as converting Jennifer Gardner into a fully-trained CIA operative or founding the University of New York in Greenwich Village ( Go Catamounts! ). Some posed more difficult challenges, such as staging an actual, multi-car train crash for my film Super 8 or constructing a mystical, mysterious island in the South Pacific for a group of actors to be stranded on for my hit show, Lost. 
 
 ( Which reminds me, a brief side-note: While we're being honest, there was actually a bit of an undisclosed complication during the process of actually shutting down and leaving the island after the show's cancellation in 2010. Without going into too many details of what is technically still an ongoing investigation, if anyone happens to know the whereabouts of Henry Ian Cusick, please contact your local authorities immediately. ) 
 
 So, without further delay, let us address the issue at hand. As I'm sure many of you are aware, I have recently begun production on the long-awaited seventh chapter in the beloved Star Wars franchise. With such a monumental opportunity before me, it became clear that I had to create a film making experience the likes of which had never before been imagined. After some slight deliberation, I made the decision that my movie would, in fact, be ENTIRELY free of CGI. A daunting task, to be sure, but also, I imagined, a rewarding one. 
 
 In many ways, this was actually easier than I had anticipated. Much of the tech for the numerous droids in the film already existed and just had to be put together. And when that was n't possible, well, you'd be surprised how far you can get by just sticking a Roomba on a soccer ball. Meanwhile, creating a functioning lightsaber was actually remarkably simple with a few minor modifications. ( I know many fans have trepidation about the inclusion of exhaust ports on the lightsaber's new design, and I understand the concern. But unfortunately, after our third actor lost a hand in a lightsaber explosion, I'm afraid they became our only option ) 
 
 Most remarkably, after requesting that a Death Star set be built, I was trilled to learn that our studio, Walt Disney Pictures, owned not one, but two fully operational stations. Hopefully that helps silence some of the critics of their inclusion into the franchise! 
 
 The problem, as it were, came after the decision to shoot “ on location ”. You see, while many of our scenes were able to be shot on a soundstage, and the majority of what was left could be shot here within the confines of our home planet, some proved tricky. And while this challenge could have easily been overcome with the use of a Green Screen, I knew that would be a betrayl of the promise I made to myself and to my audience. So, with the help a group of top-notch astronomers and the Disney Corporation's previously mentioned space fleet ( which, again, is just a tad bit more advanced than it had been letting on ), we set off to the Tau Ceti star system to film our remaining scenes. 
 
 Now, look, I'm not going to lie to you: I'm just a filmmaker. I do n't truly understand the science behind all these things, and I'm certainly not one for politics of diplomacy. I am, at heart, a story-teller, and film is the medium with which I accomplish this. So, I ca n't tell you exactly how everything happened. 
 
 What I can tell you, excitingly enough, is that intelligent life outside our planet exists. A thrilling discovery, I know! Unfortunately, what I ca n't tell you is that they're Star Wars fans. Despite being a prime candidate for tremendous production value, they declined my offer to appear in The Force Awakens, or even to allow our filming to take place on their planet. Again, things get a bit cluttered after this point, but the gist is that our representatives from Walt Disney Studios stepped in, tension arose, the Death Stars and Disney Fleet I mentioned earlier came into play, and things more or less spiraled from there. 
 
 It's all a bit of a mess. 
 
 The end result is this: The Walt Disney Company is now the proud owner of approximately 77 % of the Milky Way Galaxy. That's the good news! The bad news is that the remaining ~23 % is somewhat resistant to this change of ownership. I'm not going to lie to you, it's a messy situation, and it's playing hell with our Shooting Schedule. I tried to contact former Disney CEO and current Walt Disney Galactic Emperor Bob Iger about getting the production back on track, but his assistant/apprentice told me he's occupied with quelling rebellion in the Perseus Arm right now and wo n't be able to schedule me in for lunch until sometime in Mid-January. 
 
 So, until further notice, the production in the much awaited Seventh Chapter in the Star Wars Saga, The Force Awakens, is regrettably stalled. I'm as disappointed as any of you, but I can personally guarantee you that the end result will be more than worth the wait! Luckily, Emperor Iger is allowing the use of some of the footage from the battlefield to be incorporated into the films, so that actually segues quite nicely. As always, it's all about finding the silver lining. 
 
 All things considered, we're moving our release date back to the May of 2016 for now. Disheartening, I know, but I assure you we're doing everything we can to crush the Rebellion quickly so that the movie can be finished as soon as possible. As in everything I do, my first and last thought is with the fans. 
 
 May the force be with you! 
 - J.J. Abrams 
 
 P.S. If you have n't already enlisted for the Disney Empire's mandatory Selective Service, you might want to get on that. Those who do n't will be barred from future screenings of The Force Awakens and/or executed.
