[ WP ] Santa Claus and Jesus Christ deal with a zombie apocalypse with a bag of infinite gifts , the gifts of miraculous transmutation , and Jesus riding shotgun on the sleigh .

`` Ho ho hooo!'' Santa said to the survivors. `` Whatcha boys and girls in need of this day?'' 
 
 `` Food, water, and a chaingun,'' the leader of the survivors answered quickly. 
 
 `` I do approve of a man with faith,'' Jesus said beside Santa. `` Even in Santa, in his later years.'' 
 
 `` Rudolph!'' Santa called back. `` I need a hitch, buddy. Got ta get this chaingun outta the bag and into a good firing sector, for these good boys.'' 
 
 `` We're not so good, Santa,'' one of the other survivors said. 
 
 `` Ho ho ho,'' Santa replied. `` Ai n't no one much good anymore. It's all relative, anyway.'' He rummaged around in his sack while Jesus converted dirty water into white wine in front of people's disbelieve eyes. `` Ho! A GAU-17, for Tommy!'' The US Army mounted turret-mounted weapon came out of the sack with Santa's grunting effort, and the help of Rudolph, followed by an seemingly infinite length of 7.62mm ammo. 
 
 `` I have n't been called that in years...'' Thomas said. `` Thank you, Santa.'' 
 
 `` You've done some wack stuff to survive this far, Tommy,'' Santa said to the leader. `` But I understand. You've had to, you know. Beside...'' he latched a length of rope from Rudolph's harness to the GAU-17, and set Rudolph to dragging it into the survivor's holdout. ``... if you all die, then there wo n't be any more children to be good-good, will there? You got ta look to the future.'' 
 
 `` Yeah, I agree, somehow.'' 
 
 `` White wine!'' gleed one of the survivors. `` Chardonnay, at that! Oh my God!'' 
 
 `` Yes, my son,'' Jesus told the survivor. `` Drink and be merry, for once in the last few years.'' He adjusted the shoulder-strap of his twelve-gauge, then took moldy loaves of store-bought generic bread, and converted them into cinnamon rolls and pound cake before the survivor's astonished eyes. `` What good is such gifts giving by the Lord and Father in Heaven, if they go unused when they can be used best now, in service to God's children?'' 
 
 `` I have n't had a Swiss Roll in years, either,'' another survivor said. 
 
 `` Oh, those are the creme-filled one?'' Jesus asked. 
 
 `` They're delish, er, Jesus.'' 
 
 Jesus transmuted an entire loaf into one giant Swiss Roll. ``'T is done, and done well,'' he said. `` As you all have done well to survive this long. I am sorry that it has seemed Heaven has not heard your pleas. We have,'' he took a small bow. `` Or, at least, Santa and I have.'' 
 
 `` You guys are really real,'' a survivor noted. `` All this time...'' 
 
 `` The world's gone on pretty well without our intervention,'' Santa said. `` Ho, but now it's gone pretty badly. No more hiding in the extraplanar workshop for'ol Santa.'' 
 
 `` Or waiting on a Second Coming,'' Jesus seconded. `` Not when there may be no longer by a humanity.'' 
 
 `` I do n't believe this is happening...'' Thomas the survivor leader said. 
 
 `` You obviously believe, at least a little,'' Jesus said. `` And that's more than enough.'' 
 
 The two harnessed Rudolph back up, got back in the sleigh, Jesus on shotgun with the shotgun, and flew off on magic, miracles and the power of belief, to help fix a world gone too many ways wrong.
