[ WP ] God answers all of your prayers , and only your prayers . God is also kind of a dick with a matching sense of humor .

Well, hi there! It's me, God! Are you there, Margaret? Man, I crack myself up. How can I not? I am all powerful. Which is why you're live on GOD Radio. Why not K-GOD or W-GOD?'Cause God. Let's get to it, shall we? Is the caller there? 
 
 *Hi, is this God? * 
 
 That's the name I gave me! 
 
 *Why do you make me say that every time? * 
 
 I'm kind of a dick. Seriously, have you seen Cleveland? But for those new listeners, please, tell them a bit about yourself. 
 
 * ( sigh ) My name's Andrew Manning of St Cloud, Minnesota. I'm the one guy that gets his prayers answered by God. Really. Just me. The rest of you are wasting time. * 
 
 Yep! All y'all are shut off from the prayer valve. Why? Well, I got jealous of that Wonka guy. `` Oh, you have a candy factory? I have the universe.'' If only there were a picture I could meme that with. 
 
 *If only. * 
 
 But I ca n't do everything. I mean, I can, but I wo n't. Just for Andrew. He's the guy with the REAL golden ticket. YOU HEAR THAT YOU SON OF A BITCH WONKA? 
 
 *Pretty sure he did. Australia just fell into the ocean from the sound of your voice. * 
 
 Good. I never liked INXS. That's why I had Michael Hutchence die in such an embarrassing fashion. You really got ta drop the ball with me to be famous and die in humiliating fashion. Paul Walker stubbed his toe getting into his car and said `` Goddammit'' and, well.. let's just say that was the last time he'd ever say that. At least I gave some CGI guys a little more work to do in post. 
 
 *You could have just not let people make another Fast & Furious movie. * 
 
 If only you would have prayed for that. 
 
 *Oh. Right. * 
 
 But they've got it ready for a summer release, and I'm not gon na upset the... you know, *Hollywood* crowd. Because... yeah, anyhow, Andrew Manning, I will only answer your prayers. Your non-Hollywood prayers. But the rest of you humans are still gon na stuff the collection plates and think `` Some day that bad boy will change his ways.'' And I wo n't. I'll be the same drunken guy in the dirty t-shirt scratching off lottery tickets and missing child support payments. 
 
 *And he admits it! And you people still keep praying! Why? * 
 
 Because you never know. But it wo n't happen. But they'll keep doing it. This has to be the worst for the atheists. Like, there is a God, but he's only working for one guy, and that guy both works at Taco John's and will be dead in three years from the fumes. 
 
 *Wait, what? * 
 
 Hey, I'm not gon na answer ALL your prayers. Every living thing on the planet is fair game. I hunt the earth for sport. Sometimes with bullets, other times with cancer. I've been known to unsheathe a heart attack or two, but better that than the long slow blade of Alzheimer's. Heaven's not a paradise, it's just my trophy room. Besides, why, with your exclusive direct access to the divine creator, ask to work at Taco Fucking John's? 
 
 *Wow. Good question. * 
 
 Well, they do n't call me God for nothing. ( hangs up phone ) ( wink ) ( iris out ) 
 
 **EDIT: Typo**
