[ WP ] It seemed like a normal day working at the retirement home until the shit hit the fan ... literally

The orderly sat in the back of the ambulance, a blanket draped over their shoulders. Someone handed them a cup of coffee, which proceeded to all spill out as the orderly shook. 
 
 `` Ok, so…'' 
 
 They were interrupted as a guy in a hazmat suit ran out of the retirement home, ripping his mask off so he could puke in the bushes. 
 
 The orderly and the retirement home manager watched him puke. 
 
 `` So what happened'' said the manager. 
 
 The orderly stared into their cup `` The poop. There was so much poop. It was every where. On the walls, on the people. It got in my mouth'' The orderly looked up and spoke in an intense whisper `` It got in my mouth'' then looked back to the cup. 
 
 `` And how did this happen?'' 
 
 `` How does anything like this happen? We were arrogant. We thought nothing like this could ever happen. But it did'' dramatic look up with intense whisper `` It did'' 
 
 `` Ok this one's broken. Does anyone else know what happened?'' 
 
 … 
 
 
 After the third orderly was sedated and taken away the manager thought about just giving up. 
 
 `` What a mess'' 
 
 The manager turned `` Who are you?'' 
 
 `` Oh I'm an orderly'' 
 
 `` You're not covered in shit'' 
 
 `` Yeah'' 
 
 `` Everyone else is covered in shit'' 
 
 `` Well I hid a lot faster than everyone else'' 
 
 `` Why is everyone covered in shit?'' 
 
 `` Oh right well…'' 
 
 … 
 
 So every so often we have a pizza day because hey, pizza. So anyway we usually go hawaiian, veggie, plain cheese, you know, old people pizza. Anyway, we were about to order the pizza when one resident said that their grandson worked for a pizza place and could get us a deal so we figured why not. Let the resident call their grandson, forty minutes later the pizza shows up, it's a good deal we think nothing of it. 
 
 `` Why are you talking all dramatically'' 
 
 That is until we dig into our pizzas and realize that their is what's the best way to put this…Oh right, there's enough cheese on one pizza to bung up a whole retirement home full of old people. 
 
 One pizza. 
 
 We got 12. 
 
 `` Why are you staring over my shoulder?'' 
 
 So two days later and not a shit had been taken and we're thinking this is n't going to end well, but then one orderly, not going to name names but Jeremy is an idiot, said let's just give them all laxatives, which I was against by the way, there's written documentation, I mean it's just a scrap piece of paper with `` you fucking idiot's you're going to kill us all'' written on it in crayon, but it's filled away so maybe find it before you start your review of who's at fault here and again, do n't want to name names but start with Jeremy. 
 
 Anyway, they break out the laxatives and apparently they felt that you can never have to many laxatives. 
 
 Well 45 minutes down the road guess what happened. 
 
 You bet your bottom dollar that poop-megaddon happened. 
 
 I mean I could hear the rumbling from down the hall, so I go to check out why elephants are stampeding in one of our resident's rooms and I see the resident on their side clutching their stomach. 
 
 Well I put the pieces together, the others… 
 
 The others 
 
 I'm not sure if the security cameras survived but, and I'm trying to save your sanity on this one, maybe do n't look. 
 
 I know it's not protocol but I heard the rumbling, I saw them clutching their stomach and I ran then, pffffff, splat, a jet shoots out the room and onto the fan and that fan just sends that shit everywhere. 
 
 I got to the end of the hall and I do n't know why, I turned around and this, this is the weird part, it happened, I shit you not, in synch. I mean 1812 overture should have been playing, it was like da da da da dun dun splat, da da da da da dun dun dun splat. 
 
 Streams of poop just shooting out of a room on the left, then on the right then on the left, every one hit the fan and just schwoop. 
 
 Orderlies came running out of rooms just to get knocked back by fan shit and knocked back out by fresh streams. 
 
 It took me a second to even process what was happening, then I realized, it was n't going to stop, the streams were getting closer so I turned and I booked it. Not a second too soon either, I felt the heat on one of the streams. Heard a glob of shit fly just over my shoulder and hit an orderly square in the face. 
 
 I did n't think I was going to make it. But then I saw a door at the end of the hallway and there was some fight or flight stuff going on because I'd never run that fast before but I booked, jumped, must have flown fifteen feet, kicked back and slammed the door shut. 
 
 But then…then... 
 
 I saw someone on the other side, staggering towards me. They look lost. Their eyes man, their fucking eyes. 
 
 They were covered in shit and I was going to open the door, I was going to, but then…I had seen some shit at this point but the last room…I think he had eaten an entire pizza himself. We're always telling him not to do that. That'd be bad for him… 
 
 It was like a fire house, knocked the fan out of it's socket, fan swung down, flung a wave of shit, and that other orderly was just standing at the door, waiting for me to let him in…I…it was n't locked, I do n't know why he did n't just open it…but he was waiting for me to and there was no time…there was no time. 
 
 Dammit I left him to die. 
 
 `` Uhm no one died'' 
 
 I tried to warn him, give him a heads up, but he would n't turn around. He just stood there, staring at me…why did n't I open the door? 
 
 The wave of shit knocked him right against the door, I'll never forget that sound. He was stuck there for a second, just looking at me. Then he was gone. 
 
 `` Seriously no one died'' 
 
 I mean he slid down, yeah I think he hit the glass really hard and it kind of gave him a concussion, knocked him out for a second. 
 
 And there was a human outline in the door, an outline in shit, with one single, shit palm print. I put my hand up to it and just stood there, wondering if we could ever come back from this, and also we get bonuses or over time or something. 
 
 `` So anyway that's what happened'' said the orderly, talking in his normal voice 
 
 `` I think I'm going to fire Jeremy'' said the manager 
 
 `` Probably a good call'' said the orderly
