[ MP ] Absolutely hideous elevator music combined with an unusually long trip prompts two very different people to have a short , but inevitablely awkward conversation that reveals they are both complete and utter bastards .

Two men squeeze into an elevator, neither waiting for the other to enter. They each pass a disapproving look one another's way and wait for the doors to close. 
 
 The first one, the taller and fatter of the two men, presses button 81 and shows a brief aura of satisfaction, as if the lit up circle on the elevator panel signifies the peak of his business accolades, the number of models he ’ s bedded, or the length of his reproductive member. 
 
 The second man, the shorter and fitter of the two, slightly grins as he reaches across Tall to press button 83. Fit rotates the balance of his body from the heel of his foot to the tips of his toes and back again in a most gleeful and understated expression of superiority. 
 
 Tall besoms the act, and looks up at the dial slowly moving clockwise. _1, 2, 3…_ It was a particularly slow elevator, he thought, when he noticed the uncharacteristically loud elevator music playing. He instantly recognized it, and with a furrowed brow he turned to Fit and was about to ask him when Fit asked first. 
 
 “ Is that, is that the music for _It ’ s Always Sunny in Philadelphia? _ “ 
 
 “ I think it is. How weird is that ” Tall questioned. They both chuckle lightly. Tall adds, “ I love that show. ” 
 
 “ Oh, me too. My absolute favorite. ” 
 
 _19, 20, 21…_ 
 
 “ That Charlie, he ’ s the funniest ain ’ t he? ” Tall asks Fit. 
 
 “ Oh, yea! The best! ” 
 
 Both men bounce their shoulders in laughing approval. 
 
 _33, 34, 35…_ 
 
 “ But that Dee, she ’ s gorgeous isn ’ t she? ” Fit prompts Tall. 
 
 Brief silence. 
 
 _51, 52, 53…_ 
 
 “ I think she ’ s absolutely hideous. ” Tall responds, completely dead panned. 
 
 “ Are you fucking high? ” Fit yells. “ Those legs! Fuhgetaboutit! ” 
 
 “ I ’ m serious. She ’ s hideous. It ’ s infuriating when people say she ’ s hot. ” 
 
 More silence. 
 
 _63, 64, 65…_ 
 
 Growing redder by the second, Fit finally bursts, “ Well I hate cocksuckers that won ’ t admit she ’ s a fuckin dime! ” Small particles of saliva catapult from Fit ’ s mouth up to Tall ’ s face. 
 
 He wipes the trace amount of oral liquid from his cheek as if it had been a half-pound of tobacco spit into his eyes. Tall steps close to Fit, exaggerating his height by leaning down towards his face. 
 
 “ She ’ s. Fucking. Gross. ” 
 
 _75, 76, 77…_ 
 
 “ That ’ s it! ” Fit screams as he slugs Tall right under the chin. Tall falls back into the wall which kept him on his feet. Fit took a step toward Tall but Tall propelled his massive legs right into Fit ’ s gut. Fit keels over and Tall lunges at him as they become entangled in a mass of kidney punches and nail scratches. They rolled around on the elevator floor fighting when suddenly the music softened. 
 
 _Ding_ 
 
 Floor 81 opened. The two men looked at each other and parted. Tall stood from the ground, grabbed his briefcase, and declared to no one in particular, “ this is my floor. ” 
 
 As he walked out Fit called to him, “ You ’ re a real bastard, fella. ” 
 
 Tall turned around and declared, “ Takes one to know one ” and the elevator doors closed. 
 
 
 ~~~ 
 
 
 edit: typo 

