[ eu ] the new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher is called Tim ... the enchanter and his familiar is the bunny of Caerbannog .

Alright, I've never seen The Holy Grail but I'll give it a shot. 
 *** 
 To the seasoned veteran of Britain's foremost school of magic, the scenery visible outside of the Hogwarts Express was as good as any map for indicating the proximity of the destination. As the forests thickened and bodies of water disappeared, excitement built within the cabins. The laziest of the students, Harry included, changed into their robes as the familiar sight of the castle's towers and turrets became visible. 
 
 The welcoming feast was as sumptuous as usual, and it was hard for Harry's eyes not to be drawn to the piles of roast and mashed potatoes, the fried chickens, the joints of ham and beef, the tureens of peas and gravy, but he forced himself to scan the teacher's table for the new face, the mysterious new professor who had assigned them *Pyromancy 101: A Beginner's Guide to Flames, Fire, and Flares*. It did n't take Harry long. There was a man wearing a helmet with horns erupting from the sides, curling downwards about his cheeks as if he were a great goat. His beard was long and wispy, looking insubstantial in its proximity to Professor Dumbledore's. The new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher was staring off into the distance, seemingly oblivious to all around him. 
 
 Harry shook his head, vainly hoping that they were n't going to be subject to another lunatic like Lockhart and sat down at the table. As always, Dumbledore's opening speech was brief. `` Rub a dub dub, let's get to the grub.'' The clinking of plates and cutlery and the happy sounds of hungry students eating were all the applause that was necessary. 
 
 *** 
 Harry did n't have to wait long to meet the new professor, as the Gryffindors and Slytherins had his first class together. He heard Malfoy's distinct cackle as he, Ron, and Hermione shuffled into the classroom, nearly late. `` Goodness, Potter, ca n't you even-'', Malfoy's first jeer of the semester was cut off by a *BOOM* in the corner of the classroom, where a small explosion had been conjured. The ensuing shrieks were silenced by another *BOOM* from near the back of the class, and a third explosion appeared just behind the teacher's desk. When the flames cleared, there stood their professor, appearing identically from the night before, plus a large wooden staff. He stood there, immobile, with a vacant look about him. 
 
 The silence stretched out into several long moments. Malfoy, who sat front and center, waved his hand in front of the professor's eyes, which remained blank. The blond Slytherin snorted as he got up from his seat, lifting his bag with him. Before he could take a single step, another column of flame erupted in front of him at a gesture from the professor. Malfoy fell backwards into his seat, his pale face flushed. Harry had to bite his tongue from bursting out into laughter. 
 
 Another long minute of silence passed before Hermione raised her hand. `` Pro-professor,'' she stuttered, understandably nervous. `` Um... what is your name? ``, she asked lamely. 
 
 He looked down upon her, before slowly answering. `` There are some who call me... Tim,'' he answered, sweeping his staff behind him. Another *BOOM* erupted across the chalkboard, leaving behind *Professor Tim the Enchanter* in elaborate script. 
 
 `` Well, yes, Professor Tim,'' Hermione began. 
 
 `` Yes Hermione? ``, he asked. 
 
 `` You know my name?'' 
 
 `` I do!'' Flame streamed out of the top of his staff, flowing along the ceiling. It was beginning to get very warm in the classroom, and Tim had yet to open a window. Harry thought that Trelawney and Tim would get along splendidly. Hermione stared, as flabbergasted as the rest of them at the display. 
 
 `` You seek to learn how to defend yourselves against arts most foul, do you not?'' He was met with half-hearted nods from some of them, while others maintained their bewildered expressions. 
 
 `` You wish to be able to counter curses?'' More nods. 
 
 `` Undo jinxes?'' Murmurs of assent joined the nods. 
 
 `` Defeat beasts most foul?'' The class was in a familiar area now, and were agreeing enthusiastically. 
 
 `` Beast such as this, with nasty, big, pointy teeth!'' As he shouted, an ethereal rabbit with nasty, big, pointy teeth leapt out of his staff, creating instant chaos in the room. Thinking back on it, Harry was quite sure he heard - and smelled - Malfoy soil himself.
