[ WP ] Humans have discovered the secret to high-speed inter-planetary travel . and it is the most stupid and ridicilous thing possible

In 2467, a few years after England reclaimed her dominance over the globe and absorbed the moon into her empire, but before the Dutch Bankruptcy Wars, King Edward the Whatever^th stood on the lunar surface with a detachment of scientists. Earth rose before them and Mars was a red beacon behind. The first true colonies were coming to fruition in the Martian soil, and the King much desired faster and cheaper method of travel. 
 
 `` I still do n't see that we ca n't fasten ships stern to bow and ride our horses across,'' the King said. `` The Romans did it to the sea, we ought to do it to space.'' 
 
 `` It's a long way, your majesty.'' 
 
 `` And the horses would die.'' 
 
 `` Bugger the horses. What's a millennium worth if we ca n't unseat Rome. The ships, you bastards - I want ships!'' 
 
 The command was given and the shores of Earth were scoured for ships, whether they were sea-worthy vessels or abandoned wrecks. Thousands upon thousands of ships were hoisted at great cost out of the gravity well of Earth and transported to the moon. There, a great multitude of engineers used rope and nails to build for the King the Moon-Mars Bridge of Edward Whatever^th. 
 
 `` If Rome can gallop on the sea, England will tread upon the stars!'' The King rallied his builders with this cry as he rode his Chestnut through the ranks of builders, kicking up moondust as he went. 
 
 But after a few weeks they ran out of ships, and they were n't quite to mars yet. They were in fact many millions of miles short of it. But the King would not be stopped. He rode his horse to where the Moon-Mars Bridge of Edward Whatever^th began, he shook his fist at the long dark space that had dared to defied him, and he rode out. 
 
 `` Upon the stars, lads! The stars!'' 
 
 When he came to the end of the bridge of ships, he leapt with his horse as if he might leap the entire distance at a go and thump down on the red planet. Unfortunately for the King, though happily for England and the universe, he just sort of floated there for a while until he died. 
 
 By the Updated 23rd Century For Real This Time Rules of Succession Rules, the next King was the son of an architect to whom the Whatever^th had lost a game of slapping sticks. This son, desiring solidarity, took up the mantle and styled himself as King Edward Whatever^th the 2nd. And his first order of business was to succeed where the old King had failed. With his own team of scientists he carried England once more to the moon. 
 
 *** 
 
 In one of the rooms on the moon the scientists gathered round their new King and toasted him each in turn. The King accepted the toastings then proposed his new Mars idea. 
 
 `` Scientists of England, ever since I received news that I should hold this post I have been hard at study. I very much wish to rise where the first Whatever^th fell, and I am convinced that his failings were due to his lack of scientific understanding. I mean to go forward through science and reason, and to leave our dreadful rivalry with Rome in the past.'' 
 
 This received many cheers from the scientists, who were themselves a bit embarrassed that they had allowed the previous king to jump at Mars on his horse, and glad to have a King who indulged in the sciences. 
 
 The King went on. 
 
 `` Our space elevators, constructed by carbon nanotubes and powered through some kind of superconductivity ( I admit a lack of understanding here ) - I understand that this method fails at the interplanetary scale because of the energy required.'' 
 
 This was half true and quite hinky, but goddammit it was science coming from the King's mouth. The scientists assured him that it all was so, and that he was a genius besides. 
 
 `` But, while we've only built these nanotubes from the Earth's surface to Lower Orbit Stations, it is at least feasible that we might built one of these cables all the way from Earth to the moon. Connecting them, so to speak.'' 
 
 Well, it was a physically possible engineering nightmare... but it was better than ships and horses. The scientists nodded. The King then led them out onto the surface and pointed at the Earth. Maintaining the point of his finger he turned until it was directed at Mars. 
 
 `` How long was that? How far through time did we travel to simply point from one celestial body to the next?'' 
 
 `` A few moments, your majesty.'' 
 
 `` Scarcely a moment at all.'' 
 
 `` I propose that we build this carbon nanocable from the Earth to the moon, place passengers in a basket at the tips, and simply pivot from the moon so that the basket moves from Earth to Mars. It will take, by your own calculations, a matter of moments.'' 
 
 And they had been so close. The scientists tried to explain the many reasons why it would n't work, but the King had studied and thought they were just being pessimistic. Then one of the scientists thought of something irrefutable and easy to fathom - 
 
 `` Your majesty, Mars is much further away. If we do as you propose, the persons in the basket will simply dangle there in space, nowhere near the Martian surface.'' 
 
 `` Ah!'' said King Edward Whatever^th the 2nd. `` Fear not, for I have brought with me my telescope.'' He took out a telescope and looked through it at Mars. `` Mars is much closer when I look at it through this device. So, as long as we time it correctly, and I look through the telescope as the cable pivots, we should have no problems.'' 
 
 The scientists sighed. 
 
 `` Well I'll go see about a basket.'' 
 
 `` There might be some carbon nanotubes laying around the old NASA headquarters.'' 
 
 `` I'll figure out this pivot, I guess.'' 
 
 After ten years the work was complete. King Edward stepped into the basket in London Square. He took out his telescope, pointed it at Mars, and gave the order to pivot. But instead of pivoting, the stress broke the cable and the King was whipped out into to space at high speed in the wrong direction. He died thinking that his telescope was broken. 
 
 *** 
 
 There followed a long line of doomed Whatever^ths. The 3rd and 4th of that name suffered similar fates in pursuit of the same interplanetary goal, the 5th died while fishing, and numbers 6 through 8 had their hands full with the Dutch Bankruptcy Wars. The 9th and last Whatever^th made a desperate attempt to rejuvenate the economy by tackling the old Mars problem, and his own solution to it proved the most catastrophic. A bit of a mystic, he gathered all the great minds in the land to a meeting and ordered them to picture themselves on Mars, and while they were thus occupied he had them all shot. It did n't work and brought on a new dark Age besides. 
 
 Meanwhile, the colonies already established on Mars were steadily flourishing in the absence of Kings and economies, but they were running out of Irish whiskey and did n't have any good ships. In 2987 the whiskey was all but gone and the Mars Council held an emergency meeting. 
 
 *** 
 
 
 
 
 
 

