[ WP ] Captain Obvious , Sargent Sarcasm , and Admiral Asshole are in a room together

`` You're out of uniform, sailor!'' 
 
 `` Really?'' 
 
 `` Yes, really. The Admiral is going to be furious if he sees you out of uniform!'' 
 
 `` I ca n't imagine the Admiral being furious. He seems so friendly.'' 
 
 `` Hmmm. I do n't recall him ever being friendly. Anyway, get yourself in uniform. And be sure to finish tying that knot you are working on.'' 
 
 Admiral Asshole enters, staring slack jawed at the tattered sails and improper rigging. 
 
 `` My God, this must be the worst fucking boat in the entire navy.'' 
 
 Captain Obvious and Sargent Sarcasm stand tall and salute. 
 
 `` Yes Admiral, when you assigned me this ship one week ago you told me it would require a fair amount of maintenance.'' 
 
 The Admiral pauses for a second, unsure whether the Captain is mocking him or just an imbecile. He turns his attention to the seaman, Sargent Sarcasm. 
 
 `` Captain, your man looks terrible. ( Still talking to the captain, but surveying the Sargent up and down ) How do you expect to fix up a ship with such a slovenly looking crew?'' 
 
 `` I'm only a Sargent, Admiral. You'll want to talk to the Captain about matters of crew hygiene.'' 
 
 `` God fucking damnit Captain!'' 
 
 `` Sargent, the Admiral was speaking to me.'' 
 
 The Admiral realizes he has a fool for a captain. `` Sailor, get your disgusting face below deck before the full force of the entire navy rains down on your head.'' 
 
 `` It's been a pleasure sir.'' Sargent Sarcasm skips off below deck. 
 
 `` Just what kind of ship are you running here?'' 
 
 `` It's a sloop, sir.'' 
 
 `` I can fucking see th-'' The Admiral gives up mid-sentence. It's hopeless. It is clear he will need to find a new captain for the ship. He looks out over the railing at the waves and whitecaps. He's contemplative, but his face shows a capacity for anger far greater than any sea. A clanking noise overhead forces him out of his meditative brooding. He looks up and stares in a combination of horror and awe. 
 
 ( under his breath, rhetorically ) `` What the fuck is that?'' 
 
 `` It's the ship's rigging sir. The man I assigned to it turned out to be a stowaway. Very interesting man, how he ended up here is quite a tale. He's in the brig now. Shall I have him brought up for you to meet him?'' 
 
 ( suddenly returning to his old cantankerous self ) `` Of course not. Have him thrown overboard once we reach the Bay of Sharks. But before you do that, better have an officer interrogate him to see if he can remember what exactly he did.'' 
 The Admiral steps a few feet away to better inspect the rigging. 
 
 Sargent Sarcasm arrives, still out of uniform, but clean shaven and looking well. He may have had a drink or two. 
 
 `` You're out of uniform Sargent?'' 
 
 Sargent sarcasm considers a whole host of responses, before deciding to be serious for a change. `` It's been stolen, Sir'' 
 
 `` We have a thief on board?'' 
 
 `` I would imagine it was the stowaway.'' 
 
 `` The rascal.'' He turns to the Admiral. `` Admiral, I'm afraid I must inform you that we seem to have an impostor roaming our ship, wearing the uniform of an officer. Keep your eyes open, he might be on this very deck.'' 
 
 `` He might even be talking to the Admiral.'' 
 
 The Admiral is n't interested. He's trying to figure out the rigging. 
 
 The Captain glares at the Sargent. The Sargent looks a little nervous, realizing he may have gone - and sent himself- overboard with his last remark. But no, the Captain looks back at the Admiral, then glances around the deck to see who might be within speaking distance of the Admiral. He settles on a shifty looking sailor crouched down and fiddling with something. 
 
 `` You there! ( Seeing the patches on his uniform ) Sargent! Come over here'' 
 
 `` Yes sir?'' 
 
 `` Just now, what were you doing?'' 
 
 `` I was over there.'' 
 
 `` Right. Well, have you seen anything suspicious on board?'' 
 
 `` Suspicious in what way, exactly?'' 
 
 `` Well, there is a stowaway on board, wearing a stolen uniform and masquerading as an officer. He might try to blend in by helping with the ship, but an experienced seaman would be able to tell him apart from the rest.'' 
 
 `` Well to be perfectly honest sir I'm kind of new here myself'' 
 
 `` Yes, I know what you mean. I've only had a weeks time to familiarize myself with this particular ship.'' 
 
 Amid the increasingly frequent clanking of the sails, the Admiral has had a breakthrough. 
 
 ( sort of shouting ) `` Captain, I think I've got it. See how that line is running in between the mast and the mainsail?'' 
 
 ( shouting back ) `` It's not supposed to be that way.'' 
 
 The Sargent, who has been sizing up the other officer the whole time, realizes that he is in fact the stowaway. `` That's a nice uniform. I used to have one just like it.'' 
 
 The Captain, half paying attention to the Admiral and half in the conversation, chides his Sargent, `` Well the sooner you find the man who took your uniform, the sooner you'll have it back.'' 
 
 The Admiral shouts again, `` It looks like its all tied through that over there.'' He points to the, partial knot the Sargent was tying earlier. 
 
 The Captain glares at the Sargent. `` That knot. Your doing, is n't it?'' 
 
 `` Yes?'' 
 
 `` Will you buffoons fucking hurry up and untie that knot?'' 
 
 `` It's clear you ca n't help me Sargent. You need n't bother looking for your uniform, because you wo n't be putting it on again. You're just a regular seaman now. ( Turning to the stowaway ) Sailor, do you have any experience with rigging a sloop of this kind?'' 
 
 `` A little.'' 
 
 `` Then untie that knot over there.'' 
 
 `` Willl you fucking hurry up?!'' 
 
 The Sargent and stowaway exchange amused glances. The Sargent knows, and the stowaway knows he knows. As the navy's newest recruit bends to untie the knot, he pauses out of genuine concern about doing the job correctly. `` Like this?'' 
 
 `` You're doing great, Sargent.'' 
 
 Sargent Stowaway finishes untying the knot. Like a pulley, as he stands up, the mast comes crashing down, pulverizing the Admiral's leg. 
 
 `` You fucking imbeciles! I was pointing to the other line.'' 
 
 The three men stand watch as the Admiral faints. 
 
 The Captain notices a giant wad of tangled rope sloppily wound around a cannon. `` That must be the knot he was talking about.''
