[ WP ] The grim reaper comes to you and want to join your metal band . You do n't know how to tell him that he 's a terrible guitarist .

I think we had all secretly given up when this guy showed up, out of the blue. 
 
 We'd had that ad for a new guitarist out for months, in all the metal magazines and on craigslist and what have you, and no one had applied. It was just the way things were going now. Our fans were letting us down and apparently we were so unpopular no one even wanted to join the band. Which says a lot, because there are lots of unemployed musicians out there. 
 
 What had happened was that Johnny, our singer had one of those life crisis things and decided to find his true self. So he left to join all-vegan organic veg-growing community. With his new all-vegan organic girlfriend. 
 
 We were all sorry to see him go but hey.. Maybe it was something he needed to do. That's just life. 
 
 -- - 
 
 So our band, the Angels of Apocalypse, was left without a singer. And then I stepped up and took over her mike. Actually, I always wanted to do that. And at the time I felt I was n't going anywhere as a guitar player. It was like, I'd learned all there was to learn. Tried all there was to try. I could do anything basically, but there was no challenge in it anymore. You know, a been-there-done-that kind of thing. 
 
 But the fans did n't seem to like the change. We got fewer and fewer gigs and our new record did n't sell. 
 
 But we still decided to look for a guitar player rather than a singer. Because in our trade, there was about ten guitar players to every singer. To every good singer anyway. 
 
 But no one applied. So we simply did without, we had only one guitar player and one bass player, and a drummer and a keyboard player. And me on the mike. And we sortof got by. But it was n't the same as with Johnny. It was obvious to everyone we were a man short. 
 
 -- - 
 
 And then one day when we were preparing for one of our - now rare - gigs in an old theatre, there he was. 
 
 He just walked into the theater where Nick, Rob and I were setting up the gear and doing soundchecks and so on. Peter and Brian were still at their daytime jobs. He asked me if we were still looking for a guitar player. I said yes. 
 
 He called himself `` Mr Death'', which fit right in with our image. He said we could call him Reaper for short. 
 
 No christian names, no Id. Fine with me, initially at least. If he was good, we'd have to have him sign a contract though. With his real name. But for now, an alias was all we needed. 
 
 We all have aliases in the band, bytheway. Partly because it goes with the culture, and partly because it's fun. Rob is Bob the Butcher ( that's a private joke because he actually works in a butchers shop ), Nick is Necro Mental, Peter is Dr Slice, Brian is Brian Braindrainer and me, I'm Master Meshuggah. Actually, `` Mr Death'' was a bit lame compared to that. But on the other hand, his outfit made up for it. 
 
 I have to admit his costume was a bit extra. It was skeletal, extreme-black-metal, and there was a dark age vibe to it. He actually had some kind of facial implant ( I'd heard somewhere you could actually get 3D-tattoos, maybe it was something like that ). It made his face look like a skull. You could n't see his eyes. He wore a hooded cape and had a scythe on his back. 
 
 That would have looked out of place almost everywhere, but actually, if he were on stage with us, he'd fit right in. 
 
 I wanted to ask him how he did all that, but I could n't find a way to do that without offending him. So in the end I just said: `` I like your outfit'' 
 
 `` Thank you'', he said. `` I've had it for ages''. 
 
 And that was the end of that. 
 
 I asked him how long he'd played the guitar and what he's style was. 
 
 He said `` Well, actually, never. But I always wanted to try it. And what do you mean by style?'' 
 
 Needless to say, that part did n't start well. 
 
 `` Look'', I said `` do n't expect too much from this, ok? Like, do n't quit your day job. None of us can make a living from the band alone. We all have day jobs. You have to like.. do something else for a living.'' 
 
 `` I have a regular job'', Reaper said. `` I make deliveries.'' 
 
 Deliveries. He would n't go into detail about it, but then most people who have unglamorous boring jobs wo n't. I have a daytime identity as a plumber. I wo n't go into detail about that either. I ususally figure no one gives a shit. 
 
 -- - 
 
 Fortunately, I had brought my guitar with me. We have a couple of purely instrumental songs, and I play on those. I thought I'd have to let him at least try to play, but it was best if he did n't use Rob's guitar. Mine was already tuned too. 
 
 We walked over to it and I handed it to him. 
 
 `` Let's hear it, I said. This is your moment. Your time to rock.'' 
 
 I should n't have said that. 
 
 I was n't expecting much of course. A few awkward notes maybe. But what he did... I've been a guitar player for centuries, or at least since I was a kid. But I had no idea it was possible to make a guitar sound like that. It sounded like a tortured animal having its spine broken slowly. He managed to get the amplifier to round and he broke two strings. 
 
 It was so unbearable it was interesting. Rob, who was doing a sound check in the background, had to stop what he was doing and come over and look. Nick came over too. 
 
 `` Er.. `` I said `` I think you need to practice a bit. I do n't think you can play with us as it is.'' 
 
 Rob shot me a `` say-it-in-a-nice-way-don't-break-his-heart'' look, and I felt like an idiot. 
 
 `` You know, it takes a while to learn to play the guitar, and learn the chords and so on'' I continued. 
 
 Reaper gave me a disappointed look and I felt even more like a jerk. Actually it was strange that he could give anyone a disappointed look, because his eye sockets were kind of empty. 
 
 `` I figured it would n't work out'' he said sadly. `` But I wanted to try it at least once. You see, my regular job is so depressing I need to have something else. Like.. a hobby...'' 
 
 If I had n't been so busy feeling bad about the whole thing, I might have been insulted by that. Our band was many things, but a hobby it was not. But as it was, I felt too embarrassed to be angry. 
 
 We could n't just send him away. 
 
 `` Hey'', I said `` why do n't you help us with the sound check?'' 
 
 Reaper brightened up considerably. `` I always wanted to try that too'', he said. 
 
 -- - 
 
 After that, nothing much happened for a like ten minutes or so. I started repairing my guitar, tuning it again and replacing the broken strings. Rob and Nick went about setting up the gear. 
 
 And then someone turned the radio on. Into the sound system. Or that's what I thought at first. Because what came out of it was a PERFECT cover of `` Light my Fire''. It sounded exactly like Jim Morrison. Better even. Only.. there were no instruments. 
 
 Only the singer. How did that happen? 
 
 It was Reaper. 
 
 After a few minutes, after Rob had helped him get started, we kind of forgot about him. And now he was doing an absolutely perfect impersonation of Jim Morrisson. 
 
 So we had to ask how he did it. He said he learned things like that on his regular job. 
 
 Man, he must have the most boring job in the world! He was probably sitting alone most of the time in some dingy delivery truck with the radio on and the only fun he had was to imitate the singers. 
 
 It turned out he could mimic anything from the Beatles to Bowie. I asked him if he could growl too. And it turned out he could. Not good, but like.. fantastic. I've only heard one guy who was that good at it, and he's been dead for years. 
 
 And then Rob asked him if he knew any of our songs. 
 
 It turned out he knew ALL our songs. He must really be a big fan. And right now, fans were in short supply. And that helped me make my decision. 
 
 I had to talk to the other guys first of course. We did nothing without everyone being in on it. Sometimes that caused problems, but this time I had a feeling it would n't. 
 
 It did n't. Rob and Nick were already convinced. When I talked to Peter and Brian on the phone they heard Reaper singing in the background, and that's all it took. Besides, it was just one gig anyway, why not give it a try? 
 
 I mean, we had to do the right thing. I had to do the right thing. Sometimes you just have to step down. Take a step back and let the real talent in. 
 
 Karma points for me, charisma points for the band. And dammit, we needed that. Bad. We needed someone who could front our act like he probably could. 
 
 `` Hey Reaper'', I said, walking back to him.. `` I talked to the guys and we have an idea. We thought we'd try something on the gig tonight. Why do n't you sing for us? You could consider it an audition. If it goes well and if you have the singing talent I think you have, the mike is yours.'' 
 
 Reaper just looked at me, astonished. 
 
 `` Really?'' he asked. 
 
 `` Really'' I said. 
 
 `` It's a deal'' he said. He had a big happy grin on his face, like, from ear to ear. 
 
 I'll never figure out how he does that without lips.
