[ WP ] The US Federal deficit is actually due to a super top secret massive R & D program the US government pours billions into . You are the newly sworn in President and are being briefed ...

`` Seriously?'' 
 
 `` Yessir, Mr. President.'' 
 
 `` So it's a rule then, no eating in the oval office?'' 
 
 `` Sorry, Mr. President.'' 
 
 I sigh and put away the candy bar away. My wife gave it to me over four hours ago, when I was woken up without warning to give a speech on the emerging China Crisis and ushered out the door before breakfast. Then my Secret Service guy decided that since I was already up, I should tour the sublevel and get an idea of what my presidential duties entailed. At no point did anyone ever think that maybe Heads of State got hunger pangs, too. 
 
 `` Do they ever serve lunch around here?'' 
 
 The man muttered something into his mic, then nodded politely at me. `` Lunch will be served in thirty minutes in your suite.'' 
 
 Well, that's something, at least. I sit down at the desk, tossing the candy bar into the trash can. Melted anyway. 
 
 `` Now, what did Charles want to see me about?'' 
 
 `` Sir, Mr. Eisenhower did n't brief me on the meeting.'' 
 
 You know, being president sucks. You think you're the most powerful person in America, and then you find out after you're sworn in that you're just a puppet being jigjgagged hither and thither across the stage because none of your puppeteers ever get together to discuss where Pinocchio should dance today. 
 
 I stand back up from the desk, irritated, and the man - Dellyn, I think his name was? - visibly flinches. Ah, yes, and you ca n't walk away. I tried that, too, when nobody would tell me what was going on during a meeting. Just stood up and left the chamber without a word. They ran me through *five days* of nonstop security, protocols, and risk negation seminars for that trick. 
 
 `` Sit down, Mr. President.'' 
 
 Both Delaware ( or was it Demarco? ) and I jump as Charles enters the room, his voice barely carrying across to us. 
 
 `` Bradley, cancel lunch.'' I open my mouth to protest, but Charles slams his briefcase down on the desk and collapses into the side chair heavily, masking my disgruntled noise. A few more whispers into a microphone, and I've literally lost my lunch. I glare at my head of everything man, inviting him to explain his actions, though I know from experience he never does. 
 
 `` Mr. President, today I'm going to introduce you to the reason for our overwhelming deficit.'' One of my best campaign speeches had been a solemn swear to figure out where all the funding was going, so this had my interest. Maybe he *was* going to explain something for a change. 
 
 `` I'll go ahead and assume that you know nothing about the Red Lazarus project.'' 
 
 `` Oh, you mean our top secret program to invent a mechanism to...'' I paused in my sarcastic spiel, trying to recall the relevant section of the Bible, `` uh, raise the recently deceased?'' 
 
 Eisenhower's jaw dropped, and the other guy gasped. 
 
 `` How the hell...'' he got on his mic, screaming, ``... *we've got an information security breach and I want the leak traced down, now! *'' 
 
 My jaw joined his on the floor. 
 
 `` Mr. President, who the hell told you about Red Lazarus? That is a state secret!'' 
 
 `` Uh...'' my mind was blank, so I said the first thing that came to mind, which happened to be one of the truest things I've ever said, ``... you guys really need to work on coming up with better names for top secret projects.'' 
 
 Charles drew his gun. Instinctively I looked around the room, looking for his target. He approached me. Wait, what? He's *my* security. 
 
 `` Mr. President.'' he held the gun pressed gently against my forehead. `` Tell. Me. Who. Told. You. About. Lazarus.'' 
 
 `` Mr. Fischer, my fucking Bible School teacher back in kindergarten!'' 
 
 He cocked, the clicking filling the room. The other guy was on his mic again asking for a standby team, and for a moment I felt some relief, thinking he was calling for more SS men. The person on the other side must have thought that, too, because then he clarified that he wanted a cleaning crew on standby. Well, shit. 
 
 `` Last time, Mr. President.'' Charles grinned humorlessly. `` I am informing you now, that every head of SS since Taft has been authorized to eliminate the current president should he ever prove to be a threat to national interests. And right now, I'm *very* interested in where you're getting your information.'' 
 
 My eyes darted around the room, waiting for someone to burst in, for the Candid Camera crew to rush in laughing, for anything other than this madness. 
 
 `` Fine.'' I did n't know you could hear a trigger being pulled. `` Goodbye, Mr. President.''
