[ WP ] JJ Abrams turns out to be the biggest troll of them all , the new Star Wars film was written using a typical Disney Princess movie formula , and Jar Jar Binks is the new Disney Princess .

The dramatic intro music for NBC Southern California plays, and a `` BREAKING NEWS'' graphic fills the screen. Cut to the grave face of news anchor Joel Grover. `` Good evening, everyone, I'm Joel Grover with NBC Southern California. As the whole nation now knows, turmoil and violence is spreading in the wake of the Hollywood premiere of'Star Wars: The Force Awakens.' 
 
 `` We now take you live to Hollywood Boulevard where field reporter Gavin Esler is on the scene. Gavin, can you hear us?'' 
 
 The camera cuts to a live feed of Esler, who cups a hand over his earpiece. It's evening, and no street lights appear to be working. Though he tries to maintain his professionalism, he glances nervously out of frame at the rioters running to and fro around him. The flickering light of a fire can be seen dimly in the background. `` I hear you, Joel, and it's a disturbing scene out here on Hollywood Boulevard. The streets are in chaos following the long-awaited premiere, and police seem unable to control the rioting crowds.'' 
 
 Behind Esler, an effigy of Jar Jar Binks is hoisted into the air, dangling from a lamppost on a makeshift noose. The crude likeness drips with gasoline, and goes up in a *WHOOSH* of flame when a rioter sets it alight. The flames light up the street, and a wild, raucous cheer goes up from the crowd. 
 
 `` As you can see, Joel, the character Jar Jar Binks is the focus of much of the crowd's anger --'' 
 
 An obviously inebriated man stumbles into frame, and grabs hold of the camera. He shoves his face into the lens. `` *FUCK YOU, ABRAMS! *'' A crewman drags him away. ``'Lost' sucked, you no-talent asshole! Star Trek too! Two hours of fucking references!'' Can be heard as the man stumbles away. 
 
 
 ``... but not *all* of it,'' Esler finishes, shaking his head. `` And really, Joel, who can blame them?'' 
 
 The camera cuts back to Grover in the studio. `` Who indeed, Gavin. Thank you. Now folks, most of the rioting across the nation seems to be contained within major cities and the sites of important premieres, but some have drifted a little further afield to Skywalker Ranch in Marin California. We take you live to field reporter Becky Moss, who is on-scene to tell us more about this developing situation. Becky?'' 
 
 The camera cuts to Moss, standing some distance away from the low, gated entrance to the pastoral Skywalker ranch. An unruly, dangerously overweight crowd has gathered outside the gates, hurling curses at the line of yellow-jacketed police who keep the crowd back from the entrance. `` Thank you, Joel. As you can see, police struggle to keep order here at Skywalker Ranch, where the crowd has made repeated demands to see filmmaker George Lucas and failed attempts to force their way onto the property.'' 
 
 `` Get out here, you bearded fuck!'' Is heard from the crowd, to shouts of general approval. 
 
 `` What makes the situation unusual,'' Moss goes on, `` is that it's believed that Lucas is not even on-site, but that has not stopped the crowd from forming, or swayed their determination. Not to mention Lucas' reduced involvement in this installment of the Star Wars series. There has been only one occurrence of outright violence, in which one demonstrator was heard to remark,'You know, it's just a fucking movie.' The man sustained light bruising from a barrage of plastic lightsabers. Paramedics arrived on-scene to treat the victim, and distribute inhalers to the overexcited crowd.'' 
 
 A lone figure in the crowd begins shouting out a chant, pumping his fist in the air, and everyone swiftly joins him. `` HAN SHOT FIRST! HAN SHOT FIRST! HAN SHOT FIRST!'' 
 
 `` Back to you, Joel!'' Moss shouts. 
 
 `` Thank you, Becky. More on this situation as it develops.''
