[ PI ] Big Binoculars - FebContest

Okay, so overall, this story had its moments. I think that the portion with Martin could have used some beefing up, even if he ’ s only there to be a framing device and to subvert your love-is-love revelation. He also seemed very close in character to Bob. Both of them shared the same flippant style of talking about death. Which, I understand is because of Martin ’ s profession and Bob ’ s accident, but I think they could use a little more effort in distinguishing. 
 
 I liked how you used the notebook, but if you ’ re going to be providing a story by journal entries, you might need to stick to the style that journal entries are written. The second one starts mid-direct quote. Unless we should be skeptical of the contents of a journal, it should probably read closer to the first entry ( not that the first entry is perfect ). If you wanted to rework the story, then I might be interested if Martin was in possession of one of the banned ghost machines and brought people back to talk with them. That would be out of character for Martin, considering his intentions, but would allow for the story to be written as it was in the second entry. 
 
 I understand that Bob doesn ’ t take death seriously, but I still have an issue with Robby dying from being ‘ too retarded ’. Not that I have a problem with the word being used, it can show the character of the narrator, but I am unsure that Bob ’ s mother would tell her child that about his playmate. Not that I know much about her character either, she just gets that one line and then is in the accident. Same with the father. For all I know, he tries to stab everyone at all times and he ’ s as in character as he can be. 
 
 Despite what I ’ ve said so far and the fact that it needs some editing, I think you story has promise. It ’ s written in a way that I enjoy, switching the focus between things that usually seem important ( death ) and things that usually don ’ t ( peeing ). The occasional insight of honesty or love or truth come through from this crass and pessimistic character, and it makes it more worthwhile. I had a smile while reading some of this and utter disgust other times, and I feel better having read it. 
 
 Thank you. 

