[ WP ] The President , suffering from a bad case of diarrhea , is informed that the enemy has just launched a nuke .

`` Ugh... What'' I struggle, straining against the brown trickles that wo n't stop running into the toilet. I've been in here all morning. 
 `` Mr President, China's just launched a nuke'' comes a voice through the door. Goddamnit''. `` They say it was an accident, cleaning mistake'' says my secretary, as if that's useful information. I find it hard to answer, I've yet to master synchronising rectal contraction with the act of speaking. `` I... ugh... It's retaliation for invading Hong Kong'' I manage, between splashes. The noise outside pauses, I continue to strain, the toilet seat is digging into my ass now, I shift around on my whitest seat of office. `` Well, it does n't matter anymore, point is, DC and New York are doomed''. `` They sent two?''. `` Yes, we have to get you to a shelter''. I ca n't move. `` Everything's ready, Mr President, we only have a few hours, you need to address the public too.''. Oh god. I lean forward, dripping anal waste, please expel yourself from me. `` Do the address in here'' I yell. `` What?''. `` You heard me, stick up some curtains and get in some good sound guys''. It takes them a while to get set up. I am assured no one will notice my condition, unless I start straining again. `` My dear, American public... ugh... We are in a state of national emergency. We have... Ugh, received word of a nuclear missile heading in from China. I urge you... Ugh... To... Stay calm. We will open old... Ugh... Shelters. I have been assured that a nuclear hit is survivable given you follow instructions. If you have any questions, please speak to the community officers who will be on patrol.'' The teleprompter turns off, but the camera guy eggs me on, oh. `` And God bless America''. `` Okay let's get you out of here''. I pull on my pants, not before stuffing a wad of toilet paper down my underwear. I'm shuffled into my private plane, half an hour later we land somewhere near the border of Canada. `` We're well out of range now Mr President, but to be safe, we'll stay in the shelter for the day.'' As long as there's a toilet I'm happy. I order a television next to me. The events unfolding seems surreal, news readers are calm, the streets of New York and DC are empty, save for some frantic left over people, rushing around aimlessly. When the bomb hits the cameras go blank. The news continues to report but offers no new information. As I clutch at my knees, I'm told the cities are obliterated. The death toll is in the hundreds of thousands at least. `` It's a national tradgedy'' my secretary says to me through the door. `` They'll be wondering where you were''.
