[ WP ] A man/woman discovers a magic lamp , which houses a powerful genie , but the genie 's power is not to grant wishes .

I had rubbed the lamp - not that I expected anything to happen. It was an oil lamp. When you find one, you rub it! It's just what you do. Right? I mean, how often do you come across an old oil lamp in the middle of a desert? 
 
 Not often I bet. 
 
 What about one that looks just like the stereotypical genie lamps in the cartoons? 
 
 Even *less* often. 
 
 It was just there. In the sand. I scooped it up, had a chuckle, and rubbed it. 
 
 She looked at me through the smoke that had preceded her arrival from the lamp, her arms were crossed, a look of boredom was on her face. `` I would n't get too excited if I were you.'' Said the Genie. 
 
 * * * 
 
 Despite her warning I had gotten very very *very* excited. 
 
 I ran in a circle around her, the lamp hoisted high, my head tilted back, a stream of happy profanities spewing from my mouth like an offensive fountain. `` Fuckin' motherfucker fuck yeah!'' 
 
 She shook her head and waited quietly as I finished a few more laps. I soon remembered the beating sun, my lack of water, and all the hope I'd lost before I found the lamp. 
 
 `` Genie! *My* Genie, the Genie who art in my possession-'' 
 
 `` -ease up on the whole ownership thing, and like I said, do n't get too excited.'' 
 
 `` Right, right, sorry, yes, of course.'' I calmed a bit, she was right, owning people is wrong, and wait... did I really just use the phrase *art in thy*... wait I have a Genie! `` Genie! My first wish is for water, plenty of water-'' 
 
 `` -I do n't do wishes-'' 
 
 `` No, wait! Safety, I wish to be home, there's plenty of water there!'' 
 
 `` -Are you list-'' 
 
 `` That'll leave two wishes for, like, wealth and stuff.'' 
 
 `` -hey, buddy, *listen*, I *don't* do wi-'' 
 
 `` Or maybe, world peace - I mean, that'd be great, I'd be the guy who made world peace.'' 
 
 `` -hey, just stop for a sec-'' 
 
 `` Or, *maybe*, just maybe, I should go for world domination. That gets me the wealth *and* I could lead the world to peace. Two for one!'' 
 
 She threw her hands up and stomped a sandaled foot in the sand `` Shut up! Just shut up you sun-baked loon and listen!'' 
 
 I was quiet, stunned, and held the lamp close to my chest like it was a teddy. 
 
 `` I. Do. *Not*. Do.'' She said through gritted teeth `` *Wishes*.'' 
 
 We were both quiet. I was letting what she had said sink in. 
 
 I let it sink in some more. 
 
 And then a little more. 
 
 She started to tap her foot. I noticed her fists were back by her sides, clenched into white-knuckled balls of anger. 
 
 When I eventually frowned and nodded she sighed. 
 
 `` Do you really think I look like a sun-baked loon?'' I said `` Would it be vain to wish for looks?'' 
 
 `` Oh for fuck sake!'' 
 
 * * * 
 
 The Genie was right: I had had a lot of sun, and it was making me a bit loopy. The sand beneath my arse was burning hot but I was too busy being distraught to care - I wailed and sniffed like a child. I would have asked for my Mamma had the thought occurred. 
 
 She was a few steps away, probably as far as her prison, the lamp, would allow her. Just watching. She did n't seem bothered to see a grown man acting like this. Maybe she'd been in this exact scenario before. 
 
 `` S-s-so,'' I snorted back some snot, and continued `` what *do* you do, if you do n't grant wishes.'' 
 
 She sighed, turned away and mumbled something. 
 
 `` What?'' 
 
 The mumble was repeated, but not any louder. 
 
 `` What?'' 
 
 `` I-grmm-mmshes.'' 
 
 `` Oh.'' 
 
 `` Yeah, it's pretty embar-'' 
 
 `` What?'' 
 
 `` God-fucking-damn it!'' The Genie closed the gap between us with a few quick strides, grabbed my shoulders, and shook me as she screamed `` Fishes! Fishes, you dumb-fucking-bastard! I grant-mother-fucking-fish!'' 
 
 * * * 
 
 After she had slapped me around for a bit, the Genie slumped to her knees and began to weep. I tried to put an arm around her but she pushed me away and told me to fuck myself with a library. 
 
 I told her that that would hurt. 
 
 She said that that was the point. 
 
 * * * 
 
 A few minutes passed and eventually we found ourselves sitting side by side in the baking desert sun. 
 
 I was craving water and shade, and the world around me seemed to be melting, or maybe it was just my brain that was melting, either way I had to ask `` So, if you do n't mind me asking-'' 
 
 `` This thing - what I am - I was n't always a Genie.'' She said `` It's a punishment. I did things, bad things. Horrible things. Things I've come to regret. And the punishment was to turn me into a Genie and lock me away in a lamp. Do you know how a Genie gets free?'' 
 
 I nodded. `` People have to use one of their wishes, to wish for your freedom.'' Wishes. God I wish I had a glass of... no a *lake* of water. 
 
 `` Yeah.'' She hugged her knees to her chest `` And that's half the punishment, you have to wait for the one rare human being that wo n't greedily use all the wishes. Everyone does. No matter how nice they are. They ca n't pass it up.'' 
 
 `` Wait. If you can't-'' 
 
 `` In *my* case. There was a typo in my sentencing document. Wishes ended up being spelled with an F and, hence I...'' 
 
 `` Grant fishes.'' 
 
 `` Exactly.'' 
 
 I shrugged and shook my head. `` Wait.'' A thought was forming in my sun-baked loons mind. `` Then how do you get fr-'' I turned to her and she had buried her face into her knees and started to sob. `` Oh.'' 
 
 The arm I put around her was n't rejected this time. The world was spinning and it was hard to think. My mouth was dry. 
 
 `` Is there such thing as a water fish? One made out of a glass of water, I mean.'' 
 
 She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and looked at me sadly `` I do n't think so, no.'' 
 
 `` That's a shame.'' I said ``'Cause I think I'm dying.'' 
 
 `` What?'' 
 
 `` I've... I've been out here a while now. If I go will you be okay?'' 
 
 `` What? No, I mean, your not dying! Just, umm?'' 
 
 `` Wish for a-Oh!'' 
 
 `` Yes? What!'' 
 
 `` I wish that there was plenty of fish in the sea.'' I fell on to my back and stared up at the sun `` I mean, like, literally. Enough for everyone. Solve the food problems. But not. Not, you know. Not too much that the oceans get messed up. You know? Like. Enough to undo the. Err. The over. Over. Fishy.'' 
 
 `` That's too many! One fish at a time!'' 
 
 `` Huh?'' 
 
 `` I grant *three* fishes - quick think of a big fish!'' 
 
 `` Whale.'' 
 
 `` That's a mammal.'' 
 
 `` Whale.'' 
 
 `` Still a mammal!'' 
 
 `` Let. Me. Finish.'' 
 
 `` Oh. Sorry.'' 
 
 `` Whale. Shark.'' 
 
 * * * 
 
 `` How's the patient?'' Said one Doctor. 
 
 `` Recovering.'' Said the other `` Still mumbling about fish.'' 
 
 `` Still smells of it too'' Said a nurse. `` What? I know you can smell it!'' 
 
 The Doctors made eye contact and gave a conceding nod. 
 
 It was pretty weird. A guy in the middle of the desert, using the worlds largest fish as shelter. 
 
 * * * 
 
 Amongst the patient's personal effects was a lamp. A lamp that held a Genie. A genie that still had two fishes to grant.
