[ WP ] A man orders a `` cheese pizza with no crust '' from a local pizza delivery joint as a joke . Unbeknownst to him , that pizza joint is a drug front and he just placed an order for a kilo of cocaine .

Shady, as a word, is often overlooked. Arguably undervalued, even. One word holding such diverse meanings. Deep meaning. Meaning densely concentrated. 
 
 In its first sense, it encapsulates there being an oasis of shadow, respite from the sun. Freedom from a star ’ s inexorable, oppressive heat. There was too much oppression in the world today, and certainly, CERTAINLY, too much heat. 
 
 Shady was cool, shady was an oasis, shady was calm glades, and tranquility. There weren ’ t enough calm glades in the world today, and certainly, not enough tranquility. 
 
 Doug loved tranquility. And by extension, he loved calm. And oases, and cool, and so he loved ‘ shady ’. 
 
 But this was not the sense of the word that sprang into Doug ’ s mind when he opened the door, but rather the other shady. The shady of furtive glances and shoulder checks. The shady of being suspect and raising hackles. The shady that inhabits the motion, and even the stillness of a person who ought not to be doing what you have happened upon them doing. 
 
 The pizza delivery man, was shady. 
 
 How shady? That was a good question. Doug considered man at the door. 
 
 *This guy…is shady. AS. FUCK. *, Doug thought. 
 
 Doug paused at the peephole, briefly returning to the Stranger Danger commercials he had viewed as a child. Were they even Stranger Danger? There were rabbits…skateboarding? Or did they sell the chocolate milk powder? Man that stuff was delicious. Could you still buy – STRANGERS. Doug remembered the issue at hand, and how the rabbits had warned him not to open the door for suspicious ( or shady, when adjusted for vernacular inflation ) people, but – PIZZA. 
 Doug loved pizza. 
 
 Doug opened the door. 
 
 `` Hi!'' 
 
 `` PIZZA.'' 
 
 `` Yeah, I ordere-'' 
 
 `` DELIVERY.'' 
 
 `` Hahaaaa, yes, Pizza Co! Pizza delivery. Alright alright, well, let ’ s see the goods!'' 
 
 Later, when Doug debriefed himself on the evening ’ s events, it would occur to him that this had been a poor choice of words. 
 
 The man opened the box. Doug looked in the box. 
 
 Doug looked at the man. The man looked at Doug. 
 
 Doug looked in the box. Doug looked at the man. 
 
 Doug reached out a hand and ever so slowly closed the box. 
 
 The man waited. 
 
 Doug waited also. For what, he wasn ’ t entirely sure. Doug was puzzled. 
 
 “ Che- “ 
 
 “ Cheese pizza, ” the man said flatly, “ NO CRUST. ” 
 
 “ No crust… ” Doug echoed quietly. 
 
 Doug reached out and opened the box to glance at the offending contents again, then quickly returned the lid to the seemingly much more sensible closed position. 
 
 “ So…is that co- “ Doug began before the man cut him off. 
 
 “ It ’ s a cheese pizza, ” the man repeated, “ No. CRUST. ” The flatness in his voice was now faintly edged. 
 
 “ Uh-huh… ” 
 
 Doug leaned against the door frame, his arms assuming the classic Thinker ’ s pose. He had found this position helpful in the past. Apparently other people had as well. It had been good enough to immortalize in a statue, right? Doug hoped it would help him navigate the current quandary. 
 
 “ So I called Pizza Co…. ” 
 
 The man waited. 
 
 “ And ordered a cheese pizza with no crust… ” 
 
 And waited. 
 
 “ And you brought me a large quantity of cocaine… ” 
 
 The man briefly appeared as though he had wanted to say something, but thought better of it. 
 
 And waited. 
 
 Doug resumed thinking. The man waited. 
 
 Doug tapped a finger against his lip pensively. The man shifted his feet slightly. 
 
 After a while Doug began to muse. The man began to continue waiting. 
 
 It wasn ’ t until Doug began to ponder the man felt the need to take action. 
 
 “ Payment. ” He said. 
 
 “ Right, right…of course… ” Doug nodded sagely to the man, but in his mind he was at the door of inconceivably large room, screaming over the typewriter cacophony at all the monkey Dougs operating them to give him something, ANYTHING. 
 
 “ And how much does…this much co- “ Doug began drawling in what he felt was a confident comfortable manner. 
 
 “ PIZZA. ” The man corrected. 
 
 “ OK, ” Doug rolled his eyes, “ … ‘ PIZZA ’, how much does it usually go for? ” 
 
 “ Currently market value for this much no-crust cheese pizza is… $ 150,000. ” 
 
 Unbeknownst to Doug, several neutrinos at that moment found themselves boxed out by the closing of his anal sphincter. 
 
 “ Hmm? ” Doug ’ s face rapidly cycled through an array of expressions which would have been painful were it not for the general numbness which had overcome him. “ Is that so? ” 
 
 “ …Yeah. ” The man said. 
 
 *Well, * thought Doug. *This…is quite the pickle…* 
 
 Suddenly he became aware of an idea coalescing in the back of his mind. A monkey Doug had produced something of merit and began to run forward, waving the sheet above its head, howling with joy. It briefly disappeared under a scrum of other monkey Dougs all vying for the glory of presenting the idea as their own. Doug shrieked at them to knock it off before wading in to retrieve the idea from the melee himself. Yes! This was it! This was perfect! 
 
 On the door step Doug straightened, released himself from his thinking pose, certain now in his course. 
 
 “ Ah, well you see, I ’ d love to pay $ 150,000, I really would. ” Doug shook his head despondently, the picture of sympathetic impotence. 
 
 “ But you see… ” he said as he pointed at the man ’ s car, and decals upon it, “ …it took you 34 minutes to get here. ” 
 
 The delivery man turned slowly to regard the car in the driveway. 
 
 *30 minutes, or it ’ s FREE! That ’ s the J ’ s Legitimate Pizza Coalition GUARANTEE~! * 
 
 When the man eventually turned back, Doug couldn ’ t have said why, but on some level he detected that the motions, and even the stillness of the shady man were now squarely in the realm of ‘ vexed ’. 
 
 -- -- -- -- -- -- 
 
 Doug ’ s wife Beth arrived home some time later to find her husband sitting in silence at the dinner table across from a man she was unfamiliar with. 
 
 “ Dooooug? ” She said, hanging up her keys as she entered the room. “ What ’ s going on? ” 
 
 “ Oh, honey! You ’ re home! ” Doug said brightly, hopping up as though he had been sitting on a hot coal, “ How was your day? ” 
 
 The man at the table stared at her impassively. There was a pizza box in front of him. 
 
 “ It was fine Doug, hot…who is this? ” 
 
 “ Oh, right, Beth, this is Arthur, whom I have just met, and he has a very exciting business proposal for us. ” Doug was acting downright weird. 
 
 “ A business proposal? ” Beth asked. 
 
 “ Yes, and I think we should take him up on his offer. ” 
 
 “ DOUG. WHAT is going on? ” 
 
 “ Hmm, how do I put this? ” Doug paused briefly. He rested his hands on her shoulders, and looked Beth directly in her eyes. “ That box is full of cocaine aaand we ’ re drug dealers now. ” 

