[ WP ] Every single imaginable apocalypse happens simultaneously .

THIS IS ACTION 52 NEWS! ACTION NEWS, 52 WEEKS A YEAR! 
 
 Hello America, this is Brandon James. 
 
 In our top story, the end of the world happened this morning at 9:04 AM, as well as at 10:52, 10:54, 11:06, and every 15 minutes after that until 8PM after which services stop until the following day. Reports are still coming in on the effects of this doomed world, and we'll have more on this story right after Brett with the weather. 
 
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 We'll we've been recently having a cool summer, and today is no exception as a mixture of a low pressure area, as well as the icy mists of Niflheimr entrapping the land in a forever frozen landscape causing a downwards spiral in temperatures this morning. However this was shortly followed up by the fires of hell ensweeping the world to cleanse us all of our sins through burning hellfire! The net effect of these interacting is a slight increase in humidity for this time of year, so be sure to keep those dehumidifiers on, and be on the lookout for unexpected showers. Back to you Brandon. 
 
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 Yes, and back to our top story of the day. The end of the world has been repeatedly ravaging areas of the globe, with millions experiencing confusion, annoyance and mild disappointment as the universe just ca n't decide how it's all going to end. Many critics have described it as the worst end to anything since Lost, mostly since everyone is n't dead yet. We go to Jennifer with this special report. 
 
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 `` It was supposed to be end to all ends. This patch of Texas was supposed to be host to the world descending into madness and chaos, yet instead all that remains is a sleepy little rural town. The issue started at 10:52 AM, when the Cult of Cthulhu managed to finally decode the Necronomicon and release the great ones from their watery prison. However it was just then, 1 mile down the road that Loki broke free from *his* prison causing the start to Ragnarok, as Níðhöggr started gnawing on the roots of Yggdrasill with a greater haste. 
 
 Now the reports after this are vague, as everyone witnessing the event has descended into uncontrollable madness. But there seemed to be a altercation between the two groups, and right now all parties are currently AWOL, with the status of the end of the world currently unknown. This has been Jenifer reporting. 
 
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 Back here at the studio, breaking news is coming in from Detroit. We go straight to our poor people correspondent: 
 
 Hi Brandon! Yes Detroit has been the caretaker of a host of world ending events. Snow, hail, flooding, tornadoes. Everything that mother nature can come up with has smashed into the city. Naturally, this has caused hundreds of billions in improvements, to great relief of this struggling Automotive town. The hoards of death are riding through the streets reaping souls in a great harvest, the undead armies literally causing property prices to double overnight! Detroit's hopes have never looked higher! Back to you Brandon! 
 
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 For you sports fans, sadly the playoffs between the tigers and the dragons had to be canceled due to the disruption caused by the effects of every nuclear warhead being fired at once, only to slam into what was later found out to be an oncoming alien invasion: The corresponding alien rubble forcing the event to be postponed until after the end of the world. Also in our top stories, the Ebola scare, as well as the Jaguars eating everyone scare, has officially been declared as over. Experts say that not only is Zombie flesh very tasty to big cats, but also very poisonous, causing both to be quickly contained. Experts when asked reported `` huh, who'd have thought it.'' 
 
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 Now for our top story. Reports that the rapture has been delayed due to technical difficulties has left thousands confused, spiritually unfulfilled, and looking slightly silly. Our resident Legal expert Sue Yuu is here to explain. 
 
 Well the thing that we have to remember is the original covenant between god and man was done during a simpler time, back when the legal profession was still going through the `` burn the witch'' stage. This has caused an issue due to a lack of clarity in the contract, meaning that depending on your interpretation of the documents, everybody is both simultaneously a sinner and a saint. As people can not be sent to both heaven and hell at the same time, this means that the rapture has faced several legal challenges, with many suggesting that the various religious texts may not even be legally binding. Currently the leaders of major religions, god, and several thousand lawyers are working together to resolve this issue, with the expected ETA for the rapture to be around 4598 AD, at around noon.
