[ WP ] The day the human population crossed 5 billion it was flagged for evaluation by The Consortium for Galactic Peace as a potential parasite . Their silent and thorough followup study is now over and the verdict is ...

The atmosphere was hushed in the central conference-meadow. Two Commissioners, short but stocky ursines, were in quiet conversation. 
 
 While the Alphan sun glared from its' zenith, The Chairman slithered out from under the rock it was using as a temporary dwelling. 30 feet long, and heavily muscled, it was an imposing being. 
 
 `` Allright. I hereby declare thisss ssssessshion open. If you'd be so kind-'' 
 `` Yes, sir,'' the senior of the two commissioners put in hastily. `` The situation on S3 is pretty clear-cut. Sadly, the monkeys do n't seem to have been able to show any progress towards true sentience.'' 
 
 The giant snake pondered these words. It was rare for species to become sentient during the assessment process, but he'd had high hopes for the humans, as they called themselves. `` Were n't the on their way to ssspacetravel, by themsselvess?'' A fully spacefaring culture would surely mean a promotion. 
 
 `` Yes, sir,'' said the younger of the two researchers, `` it looked like they were about to build up a sizable orbital presence for a while there. Sadly however, the internal dynamics of the race have shifted since then. The two main blocks have stepped down their efforts to compete against each other, and chose to, excuse me, *cooperate*.'' His senior broke in: `` Even though any sentient species would have understood that tensions between sections of the populace are the only way to progress, especially after that remarkable period when they were all fighting and inventing and...'' `` Yesss, that wasss interessting, thossse little warsss gave me ssso much hope that I'd finally get out of thiss backwardsss sssector-'' 
 
 `` However,'' said the senior Commissioner, `` if I might be so bold, we have been so free as to use a little bit of our mental influence on a certain monkey called Putin, and it looks like the process of progress through conflict might get kickstarted pretty soon.'' 
 
 `` Exssellent. We'll delay on the extermination orderss for a few more rotationsss then, to sssee what happensss. And with any luck we'll be able to give those plant-eatersss back at Consortium Central a new sssubject ssspeciesss sssoon.'' 
 
 With this, the chairman, moving faster than seemed possible for such a huge creature, grabbed the younger bearlike scientist in its' gaping maw, and slid back under the rock. After a couple of seconds of muffled cries it spoke: `` Wake me when they ssstart nuking each other again.''
