[ WP ] You are clumsy in the kitchen . Today , you perform a satanic ritual entirely by accident .

If I were a smarter person, I would have just ordered from Lucky Wong's # 7 for the fourth time that week. But I had watched Julie and Julia again and felt inspired. I could cook my way through Gwyneth Paltrow's new cookbook, steam my vagina, and become just like the great GOOPy one. 
 
 I tied my retro floral apron around my waist and began surveying my Whole Foods haul. There were a lot of ingredients that I'd never cooked with before, but if Gwyneth says that I need Star Anise and Moon Dust to make a sea urchin risotto, then that's what I'm going to do. 
 
 I methodically added herbs to the stock, which means that only 8 of the 11 herbs got a double dose, before stirring the fair trade-organic-non-gmo arborio rice that was picked by female entrepenuers who are making a livable wage in the third world. 
 
 I tried to silence the voice in my head that told me I'd spent a month's rent on three bags of groceries as I began chopping the raddichio that was picked under the light of a full moon to provide additional flavonoids and anti-oxidents. The clerk had beamed when telling me about the bowel movement I would have after eating the salad prescribed by page 8 of the book. 
 
 I ended up cutting my hand and bleeding all over the raddichio and artisinal baby greens farmed by Nobel Laureates on sabbatical, but decided that a quick rinse would be okay. After all, vegetables grow in dirt. These vegetables happened to have grown in dirt that was blessed by monks committed to the cause of gender equality, but it's all the same. 
 
 I moved to stir the risotto, but my hand bled into the pan. As I jerked to prevent any further ruining of the now clumpy risotto that was charred in one section, I bumped the pan and set my apron strings on fire. I tried to douse the flames with the vinaigrette that boasted vinegar distilled by virgins who live in the nunnery in the Alps, but I only proceeded in making a bigger mess. I finally remembered to stop, drop, and roll. 
 
 `` I'm alive.'' I croaked as I lay on the kitchen floor staring at the ceiling. `` What the fuck was I thinking?'' 
 
 `` You've definitely burned this,'' declared a voice above me. She was standing there in the flesh with her hands on her hips. A bemused expression crossed her too-perfect features. I wanted to ask her so many questions, but I was dumbstruck. `` Now, more to the point. Why have you summoned me?'' 
 
 Gwyneth Paltrow was in my kitchen. 
 

