[ WP ] A soldier in the heat of battle suddenly hears a voice that says `` I am your child 's imaginary friend . They have sent me to protect you in your greatest time of need . ''

Fuck fuck shit fuck. Our position was getting pounded, and those flying fuck cocksuckers of an air force were too `` tied up'' to give us some fucking cover. Tied up my ass! And to make things worse, I was as blind as those cave-fish that must have birthed out our shitshow of an air force. Hopefully it's just mud or blood or shit in my eyes and not shrapnel. 
 
 *'' It seems you're in a bit of a bind. `` * A young voice, barely past puberty from the sound of it, and not one I recognized from my company. Still, I could have sworn I've heard it somewhere before... 
 
 `` Who the hell are you? Are we finally getting some reinforcements?'' 
 
 *'' It's... not quite like that. I'm actually your daughter's imaginary friend. I've been sent to help you in your time of need. `` * 
 
 Two possibilities. One, the sleep deprivation and stress hormones and diarrhea are making me hallucinate. 
 
 `` How do I know you're real, and not some fucked-up hallucination?'' 
 
 *'' You want to feel my hand? `` * It was soft and uncalloused, a rarity at the front. Shit, and I was hoping I was just hearing things. 
 
 Two, which unfortunately is starting to seem the case, this really is some imaginary friend-turned-guardian angel. Which is odd for a few reasons, firstly being that my daughter is 14 years old. Shit, where have I heard that voice before? Well, mind as well make the most of things. 
 
 `` You got something for me to wipe my face? Not much point in me rubbing more shit into my shitty eyes.'' 
 
 *'' Of course. After all, I am here to help. `` * 
 
 He handed me something soft and sweet-smelling. Never thought I'd be glad to have shit in my eyes, but at least it's not shrapnel. 
 
 I opened my eyes and turned my head to my mysterious savior. Of course that voice was so familiar! Because standing before me, nude and radiant, was a perfect replica of that one boy band singer my daughter loved whose name I made a point not to remember. Well, nearly perfect, except for the pink, eight-inch-long silicone penis coming out of his crotch. Suddenly, the barrel of my gun looked awfully tasty.
