[ WP ] A dyslexic devil worshipper attempts to sell his soul to Santa .

`` Hello Santa, I'm here to claim my eternal place in hell, and I am willing to sell my soul to do it.'' 
 
 *Jesus Christ what are they putting in these kids cereals today* 
 
 Hoping I had misheard him, I told him to repeat what he said and tell me what he wanted for Christmas. 
 
 `` I already told you Santa, I want to claim my place in hell for eternity, and you are the man to do it. 
 
 *Wow, this kid's really not kidding. I'm getting too old for this shit. * 
 
 For the previous 28 years, I had been the Santa at Oak Ridge mall, exploiting my plumpness and my unnaturally white beard for good. Besides, ever since the accident, I had to find some way to keep busy. 
 
 This year was like any other, with suburban bratty kids pouring in, unabridged by any parental control, set to ask for absolutely whatever their little heats desired. I had gotten some weird requests in the past, highlighted by a kid in 1997 asking for Kurt Cobain's shotgun, but no one had ever asked for an eternal place in hell. 
 
 `` Ho, Ho, Ho, you seem awful young for that little boy. How about a nice football?'' 
 
 `` No Santa, this is important. I read online that as soon as possible, I needed to offer myself to Santa if I am to be one of Hell's dark earthly overlords when Kingdom of Hell consumes the world in a few short weeks.'' 
 
 *Wow, this kid is straight up wacky. * 
 
 `` And where did you find all of this information?'' 
 
 `` At my favorite website, www.SantaIsLord.net!'' 
 
 `` Are you thinking of Satan little boy?'' 
 
 `` Oh my Satan! You're right! This all makes so much more sense! Thank you! And yes, I will take that football now! Thanks Santa!'' 
 
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