[ WP ] Your significant other has serious doubts about their looks , so you take them to a dating auction just to prove them wrong . You did so , confident you 'd outbid anyone , until someone steps up and bids a million dollars .

*One million*, Jim thought, staring at his longtime girlfriend, Diane, on the stage. He muttered, `` One million...'' 
 
 The creature that rose to claim Diane, however, was not a human. It was at least seven feet tall with purple skin and two short antennas poking out from its head. It stood, and everyone gasped. A few fainted. Some ran for the doors. Jim could only stare as Diane stood, pale and with a horrified look draining her face. 
 
 `` Ah, yes, I know I know, I'm alien, you all are in shock, yeah yeah yeah,'' the alien said now that it was on stage with a microphone in its hand. `` Please do n't be squeamish about my nakedness, it's the custom among most civilized species. Now, you may be thinking,'Hey, what the hell is this guy doing at a dating auction,' and I'll give you an explanation so your civilization here on Earth does n't go through some traumatic period of self reckoning, wondering where the aliens are and what to do.'' 
 
 Jim half rose, then sat down again, half rose, and then sat down again. Diane cast him a frightened, hopeful look, but he was frozen, unable to take action against this alien invader. 
 
 `` I was born a few thousand years ago, I'm a young man ( as I'm sure you've noticed, please do n't be insulting ), and as such I need to build my harem for reproduction. This human female is by far one of the most wondrous, most beautiful creatures that I have come across in the entire galaxy. I must have her. Here's the million buckaronies,'' the alien said as he dropped a briefcase of what must have been filled with cash on the floor, `` to whoever owns her. Now off I go!'' 
 
 The alien started leaving, gripping Diane and not relinquishing his grip around her, despite the protest of her fists, kicks, and bites. 
 
 `` Not so fast!'' Jim said. He was shocked to find himself standing and almost fainted. `` You ca n't take her!'' 
 
 `` What are you talking about?'' the alien said, having stopped at the door. `` I paid for this property!'' 
 
 `` Women are n't property on Earth.'' 
 
 `` Actually, the majority of your cultures here state that they are. I'm just going by the rules.'' 
 
 `` Not my rules, I demand you release her!'' 
 
 `` Are you kidding me? Listen, what's your name? Diane? Diane, listen to me babe, I can give you thousands of years of life exploring the galaxy. All you have to do is join my harem, and my bed every now and then. Kapish?'' 
 
 `` Umm...'' Diane said, her protests suddenly stopping. `` I guess... I guess that sounds okay.'' 
 
 `` What?'' Jim said, fading to nothing. `` Diane, I'll treat you right! This guy ca n't do anything for you, he's not human!'' 
 
 `` Oh, stop whiteknighting Jim. You'll get over it.'' 
 
 `` See ya later,'' the alien said, leaving with arm-in-arm with Diane. 
 
 ***** 
 
 If you like this, check out more at r/arcaldwell.
