[ WP ] They finally figured out the use for male nipples . And it 's going to change the world as we know it .

I used to think that we have come pretty far for a species. 
 Sure, there are still lows. There is still crime, there are still tragedies. Human beings are far from perfect. We have created a world that runs on advertisements and fossil fuels and that has cultured a race driven by greed and lust. But that is no different than our past. 
 We have always used subliminal messaging to control the masses and try to bring change, whether with good or bad intentions, to the entire world. There is still no way to fathom the depravity of some people who walk this earth but, at least I believe, there are fewer of them. 
 Look at all the good in this world. Human rights awareness is at an all time high and there is a good chance that Donald Trump will not win the presidency. Even if he does win and America falls apart, other than the millions of people who's lives would be affected, would it really matter? 
 People have proven themselves just as wild and and unpredictable as the environment that surrounds us. We continuously ways to survive and adapt. That's what makes us human. That's what makes us special. That's what brings us to the day I discovered the true purpose for male nipples. 
 
 It was a normal day. Not really any different from the previous Tuesday. I work a stressful job, I drive a decent car. I work mostly mornings and I bought some coffee at the local 711 for probably the 20th time that month. 
 Dark roast, just cream. Sometimes they are out and I have to settle for regular. 
 Went to work, did some stuff and left around five. 
 Another 10-11 hour day. Smoked like six cigarettes and had a sandwich for lunch. Snagged some decent oatmeal raisin cookies too. 
 I've been seeing this girl recently. Nice girl. Beautiful, smart, driven, passionate about cats and flowers. We have sex sometimes and hang out some other times. It's nice. Not a lot of strings, not a lot of hassle. She has these enormous breasts that are so much fun to play with. 
 I'm not trying to turn anyone on, they are really just like two of the most softest pillows attached to two of the most perfect brown dollar coins with little raisins glued on. Anyways, that's what got me thinking about my nipples. 
 I understand women's nipples. Due to evolution and nature and whatever else, they provide nutrients to newborns. They are flappy sacks of lifesaving juice. They also have a pleasant side effect of being super sensitive. 
 Women's nipples have a purpose. 
 So what are mine? 
 Male nipples have never really been given much thought. You could blame it on lack of data or you can blame it on most scientists being uncomfortable with the topic but male nipples have never gotten much exposure. 
 You can call it a miracle, you can call it an accident but that night my curiosity got the better of me and I started to take a deeper look at my very own nips. 
 I touched them, I pulled them, I tried to lick them. For science of course. I knew it was stupid. I knew I was really just playing with my nipples alone in my room but something about it felt right. 
 All of a sudden I had an idea. 
 Patterns. 
 Two twists left, one twist right. Nothing. 
 Twist left, pull, twist left, pinch. Nothing. 
 This went on for probably far too long. 
 I was getting ready to finally give up, lay down, turn on some porn like a normal person and get ready to wake up early when all of a sudden... 
 Pinch, twist left, two twists right, pinch, circle nipple with pinkie finger, slap, twist right, pull left and poke and HOLY FUCKING SHIT DID A SEED JUST POP OUT OF MY NIPPLE. 
 What. The. Fuck. 
 I was n't really sure how to react so I just sat there stunned for a second. I realized I had to face this and seemingly on autopilot, followed the same sequence. 
 Pinch, twist left, two twists right, pinch, circle nipple with pinkie finger, slap, twist right, pull left and poke. 
 Another seed. 
 AHHHHHHH HAHAHA AHHHH HA OHMYFUCKINGAWD AHHH. I could n't function. I popped out five more seeds from each nipple. 
 I put my head down and passed out almost immediately. 
 The next day was surreal. I had twelve plant looking seeds that popped out of my nipples from the night before. I had so many questions. I called out and went straight to the doctors office. 
 He had no answers for me and it was about 10 minutes after I explained the situation before he finally spoke. 
 `` We are going to run some tests.'' He took the seeds and walked out. 
 I did n't hear from him for weeks. I called and called. I left messages and drove back several times but the doctor was always out. I was starting to get suspicious. 
 Unbeknownst to him, I only turned over 11 of my seeds. I should have kept more. 
 I planted it several days after the first appointment. I had to know. 
 A month went by. Nothing from the doctor or the seed. I was functioning like nothing had happened but I knew something had. 
 Two months went by. Nothing. The doctors office was closed for good now. The number disconnected. 
 Six months, nothing. Seven months, nothing. In that whole time, I only popped out about 10 more seeds and planted none of them. What was the point? 
 Nine months in is when my life changed for ever. I came home and almost collapsed. I was sitting at the table. 
 But I am me, and I am leaning on the doorway. 
 But I was sitting at the table. 
 But I was laying on the floor. 
 But I was sitting at the table. 
 
 My clone waited until I came to, invited me to the table and began to explain. He was a perfected clone version of my self. He was essentially Jesus and explained how God put a self destruct button in the male nipple. These perfect beings, implanted in every male nipple will one day be released and cleanse the world. 
 He explained that I was the first to do it. 
 I just sat there dumbfounded until he mentioned the need for earthly cleansing. 
 `` Excuse me, did you say cleanse?'' 
 `` Yes we are here to save the world. We will replace all the human imperfections and make the World Great Again.'' 
 `` Replace?'' 
 `` Replace.'' 
 I did n't let him finish his story and using the element of surprise that I knew I would n't see coming bolted for the door, sprinted to my car and drove to the nearest airport. 
 I am typing this from an undisclosed location somewhere far far away as an Public Service Announcement. Everyone Be Aware. I am sure my clone is out there convincing men to tweak their nipples in the hope of global cleansing. I am scared for us all and I never did hear back from that doctor. 
 
 

