[ WP ] You are clumsy in the kitchen . Today , you perform a satanic ritual entirely by accident .

So there I was, cutting peppers in preparation for making a delicious curry. I was using my most expensive ( and sharpest ) ceramic knife for the arduous task, and all was going well until I sneezed and the knife slipped. 
 
 In a matter of seconds I had not only sprayed pepper juice into my eyes, but I had also sliced the tip of my finger open. It was then that I began to scream profanities. While I can not exactly remember the syntax used, it was something along the lines of: 
 
 > **JESUS CHRIST YOU COCKSUCKER OH MOTHER OF MARY YOU'RE A WHORE JESUS FUCK** 
 
 The blood from my wound dripped on the floor. It's probably at this point that I should note that on my floor is a large pentagram with a swastika in the middle, for good luck. My girlfriend is one of those New Agey types, she said it would make the home more inviting to good spirits. 
 
 Eventually I found a jug of milk to wash my eyes, and when I opened them I was greeted by a man in a white suit leaning against the cooker. 
 
 `` Who are you?'' I asked. 
 
 `` You summoned a demon, did n't you?'' the man responded, pointed to the pentagram on the floor, covered in blood. 
 
 `` Uh, no,'' I replied. `` I'm not really one to dabble in the supernatural.'' 
 
 The demon-man rolled his eyes at me. I saw he had two small horns protruding from his forehead. 
 
 `` Listen, buddy, you summoned me, and whether you like it or not I'm gon na have to render a service or draw up a contract with me, or else I wo n't leave.'' 
 
 For a moment I thought about the sitcom implications of having a demon best friend in the house. TV like that could go for six seasons and a movie. I shook away the thought, however, and decided to address the demon. 
 
 `` Okay,'' I said. `` I'll give you my grandmother's secret curry recipe. It's very spicy.'' 
 
 The demon thought it over. 
 
 `` All right,'' he sighed, indignantly. I handed him a crumpled piece of paper with my grandmother's recipe on it. He read it over and tucked it into his jacket. 
 
 `` Pleasure doing business with ya,'' he said, and then cackled loudly as he burst into flames, disappearing into the fires of Hell. 
 
 ** 
 
 About two months later I was just browsing the Web when I decided to Google my home address. To my surprise, my house had a Yelp page. I clicked on it. 
 
 `` FOOD WAS GOOD. A LITTLE SPICY FOR MY TASTES. OWNER IS A REAL JACKASS. 6/10.'' 
 
 `` That's why I've been losing business,'' I thought to myself, and went into the living room to feed an Elder Deity his favourite dish - Virgin Soul Soup.
