[ CC ] My response to a prompt about headdit leading to murder .

> Jacob Buscemi had enough. 
 
 Enough what? He had enough money? Enough for what? 
 
 Do you mean that he had had enough? He had had enough to drink, he had had enough of this bullshit, he had had enough of grammar nazis? 
 
 `` He had had'' sounds clumsy, but it's correct. Sorry. Your opening sentence includes character, conflict and makes the reader want to read on, so it's on the right lines. 
 
 > He only wanted to select his top four friends, he enjoyed the controversy it inspired. 
 
 Semicolon here. 
 
 > He only wanted to select his top four friends; he enjoyed the controversy it inspired. 
 
 Did you mean that he had enough friends to fill his quota? If so, I apologise for my earlier grammatical lesson. 
 
 Raising questions is an effective way of dragging a reader through your story. Your first sentence made me think, `` Had enough of what?'' Your second sentence answers that question, `` Oh he had enough friends.'' but then raises another, `` Wait, enough friends for what?'' As long as you raise another question before answering that one, and so on, your readers will hang on your every word. 
 
 Lovely little tidbit about our character here. He's limiting himself to only four friends. It tells us that he's not one to be told what to do, the only restrictions in his life are self inflicted, and that he considers his friends to be a means of entertainment. Basically, we know that he's a selfish little shit, bravo. 
 
 `` He only wanted to select his top four friends'' does n't quite read right though. I think `` only'' is in there to show how limited his selection is. So surely `` He wanted to select only his top four friends'' would do a better job of that. However, if indeed he did select them, then I suppose you'd write `` He selected only his top four friends'' as his wanting to do so is implied by the fact that he did. If he did n't because he was prevented in some way, then the original phrase could very well be `` He only wanted to select his top four friends'' assuming that his attempt at selection took place in the narrative present, but then the second clause would be out of place. He could n't have `` enjoyed the controversy it inspired'' if he never actually did it. 
 
 > He never cared much when they made It customizable to 8 or even 16 top friends. 
 
 When is this story happening? Is is happening when he `` had enough'' or when he selected his friends? Or after he selected his friends but before he had enough? We'll never know, because now you're telling me about the time `` they'' made `` It'' customizable. 
 
 Raising questions intentionally is one thing, raising them through poorly constructed prose is another. `` He never cared much'' is a phrase usually confined to ongoing events. E.g. `` I never cared much for birdsong, but now that they're gone, the forest seems awfully quiet.'' You would n't have to specify that he never cared if he could only have cared at one specific moment. 
 
 > He did n't care much when they made It customizable to 8 or even 16 top friends. 
 
 Or perhaps `` He had n't cared much when they made It customizable to 8 or even 16 top friends.'' since I have no idea when the narrative present is. 
 
 Much is a pointless intensifier, it adds nothing to our understanding. 
 
 > He did n't care when they made It customizable to 8 or even 16 top friends. 
 
 If he did n't care, why should we? I know you're trying to tell us that it's him who's limiting `` It'' to four friends, and that he is indifferent to what `` they'' have to say, but you can do that by showing us what he does care about. 
 
 Note, showing, not telling. So far you've told me a lot about Jacob, and It and `` they'' but you've failed to put me into a scene. I do n't know what Jacob looks like, where he is, what time it is, what he's doing, what he's seeing, smelling, thinking, feeling. Storytelling is more than just giving us the bare essentials to put together a narrative. At the moment your text is a wall between me and your fictive world when it should be a window. 
 
 > Jacob also enjoyed subjecting anyone who visited his page to listening to his favorite Hatebreed [ 1 ] song. 
 
 Did you copy-paste this from wikipedia? 
 
 EDIT: Ok, I figured it out. This is a hyperlink. If I ca n't understand what you're talking about without you hyperlinking to someone who can explain themselves more eloquently, then you should clear up your prose. Not just leave it to someone else. Your language should carry a story, not your sources or your formatting. 
 
 > Jacob also enjoyed subjecting anyone who visited his page to listening to his favorite Hatebreed song. 
 
 Usually I'd vote against using outside media to supplement your writing, but the name `` Hatebreed'' is evocative enough of the type of music Jacob likes that I think it gets a pass. It's just another example of you skipping over the details of a scene to deliver a quick detail before whisking us away again. 
 
 I have no idea what's going on. 
 
 Is this a story you're telling me? 
 
 So far you've told me that Jacob's had enough ( or he has enough, we're not sure ), that he wanted to select four friends ( although we're not sure whether he ever did or not ), that he does n't care about what `` they'' do to `` It'', that he has a `` page'' and that he likes a band called Hatebreed ( possibly called Hatebreed [ 1 ] ). We do n't know when or where these things happen. We do n't know who `` they'' are or what `` It'' is. Is `` It'' the name of the website, or is `` It'' a minimum requirement, is `` It'' a maximum group size for a family ticket to Legoland? 
 
 This is n't a story, it's a list of facts about a fictive world. 
 
 Reading on, it becomes clear that this is meant to be a comedy, or at least a parody. Comedies still require clear scenes and relatable characters. In fact, that can make or break a comedy. 
 
 If you still think you have a clear idea for a story, then tell it. Let all the details you've thought up bubble to the surface via characters, conflict, plot, theme, setting, all that good stuff. Not in a big messy exposition dump on the first page. Figure out when exactly stuff starts happening, and start there. Bring us into the scene via your writing. All it takes is a little self confidence.
