[ WP ] One day , while petting your cat , you accidentally pull his tail , and it opens up . Inside , there 's a USB connector . You connect it to your laptop , an announcement pops up . -Cat Version : 1.0.0 . Update to 256.3 ?

“ Who ’ s a good girl! 
 Whoooo ’ s a good girl! ” 
 “ Muuurtt! Meorw! ” 
 “ That ’ s right YOU are! ” I loudly proclaim, ruffling my feline companions fur as she lolled around on my lap, basking in her glory. Pebbles purr rumbled powerfully as she rolled this way and that, nearly falling off my lap twice after arching her back for more back rubs. I could recognize the signs. Sometimes cats reached a state of too-much-happy before a switch flipped in their brain and they went nuts. And she was at her apex of happy. Before I knew it, Pebbles had my hand clasped in her paws and she was chewing on my fingers as if she never had a meal. 
 
 “ Ouch! ” I said, wincing as her sharp canines dug into my flesh. “ Ok, that ’ s enough attention for now. ” Flipping over, the little calico looked to the carpet and sprang down but not before getting one last back stroke. A stroke that apparently tugged a little too hard on her tail due to her angle of trajectory. 
 
 A sharp yowl pierced the air as she darted a few steps away from me. Christ, did I pull that hard? 
 
 “ Oh hon, I ’ m sorry! ” 
 
 The sincere apology was not enough to spare me from an accusatory glare. 
 
 “ Really I didn ’ t mean to do that! ” My tone took a soft turn as I closed my eyes half way, trying to communicate in Cateese that I wasn ’ t a threat. All I received was a tail tip twitch. *Sigh*. How normal. 
 
 What wasn ’ t normal was the subsequent *pic-CHINCK* noise that emanated from my cat ’ s rump. Confusion melted into horror as I witnessed my beloved felines backside peeling open; her tail slowly lifting toward her spine, twitching angrily as it went, as her miniature tush hydraulics kicked in with an audible ‘ hhhhhsssssss ’. 
 
 The silence that followed was deafening but ended when my ape like emotional response kicked in. 
 
 “ What the FUCK? ” I exclaimed, flinging my arms wildly outward as a blur of fur dashed from the room, her hydraulics hissing with each spring and gradually fading into the bedroom. As she most certainly cowed under the bed, I remain paralyzed on the sofa, trying to rationalize what the hell I just saw. Cat butts do not separate from cats. Cat butts are cat butts. They stay put. They product foul smelly things I ’ m forced to scoop out of dirty kitty boxes. But they do not lift away from the body. Am I dreaming? *pinch* No. Drunk? Not unless Pebbles spiked my drink. I needed to investigate this further. 
 
 Like usual, she was cowering under the bed, well out of my reach. It took much coaxing, pleading, three scratches to my hand, and six cat treats before I could extract her for examination. Setting her on the bed and pacifying her with more goodies, I leaned over see a port buried into her bum. Well, not her technical bum. Hell, the port appeared to be in the same plane as her butt, so how was she even going to the… 
 
 Oh god, never mind. Sometimes details aren ’ t necessary. 
 
 Gripping her gently in my arms, I hauled her over to the computer to look at the ports configuration. Oddly it ’ s a USB. How did this get installed on my cat without my knowledge? Was there some mad scientist out there performing cruel experiments on cats? How did this fly past the Humane Society? Were cats even real? Robots? Rubbing my eyes in bewilderment, I felt a fuzzy paw press into my stomach. 
 
 “ Meorw? ” 
 
 My green eyes met her amber ones and I could sense she wanted more treats. As I obliged, I reached for a USB cable to commit the unthinkable: plugging it into my cat ’ s hinny. Pebbles didn ’ t seem fazed in the slightest as I angled the device at her nethers then slid it into place. God I felt like I just violated the poor animal despite her having zero raction. Clutching the other end of the cable, a thought hit me. 
 
 If this is real, what if she has viruses? I glanced wryly at her, pondering if that might be a reason she occasionally pees on my rug. Hmm. Not chancing it. 
 
 Quickly I boot the computer into safe mode then plug her in. Before I could launch AVG and CCleaner, a popup automatically displayed on the monitor. 
 
 “ Welcome to F.E.L.I.N.E. Model KT1000 
 Your current feline version is out of date. 
 Your Cat Version: 1.0.0. 
 Current Update 256.3 
 Would you like to update now? ” 
 
 I blinked a few times. My cat… has an update? I glanced at Pebbles, who seemed to be eyeing the bag of salmon flavored nuggets again, then back to the screen. Well before I did that, perhaps I ’ ll run the virus checker first. Might as well be safe, right? It took nearly two hours to come back with results: 
 
 FeH1N5 
 
 FeLV-II 
 
 That ’ s… odd. She had her vaccinations as a kitten and was indoor only. How on earth did she get Feline Leukemia? 
 
 *How on earth did she get a port in her butt? * My brain promptly thought. 
 
 Mentally I shrugged and hit the button to isolate the virus. IF it would isolate it. To my surprise it did. Hovering my mouse pointer over the ‘ upgrade now ’ button, I gave my girl a quick pat of assurance then braced for, well, who knows what? 
 
 At first Pebbles sat on the desk watching me, her ears flicking back and forth as the update bar very slowly progressed. But about a quarter of the way through, she suddenly stiffened. Instantly I shot to attention, watching as my poor baby fell over and began seizing horribly. 
 
 “ PEBBLES?? ” I screeched, instantly pulling her into my lap as her tiny body tremored fiercely. “ Oh no! No, no, no, no, no! ” My eyes flew to the process bar, it ’ s updates loading faster and faster as I scrambled at the mouse. My hand shot to the ‘ cancel ’ button and frantically clicked to terminate the update all together. This wasn ’ t worth my cat ’ s life! Why did I DO this? What *idiocy* prompted me to do this to my cat? 
 
 Suddenly I took notice of how heavy she had become. Her once 8-pound frame had burgeoned twice her size. Her black and orange spots seemed more vibrant than before, with a strange alluring shimmer, while the texture of her fur rivaled that of the softest rabbit. Her body tremors eventually subsided, and I sat aghast at what transpired as I stroked her head and whispered, “ Please be okay! Please! ” 
 
 Bordering on tears, my tummy felt the comforting sensation of two paws making biscuits before a voice filtered into my head. 
 
 “ I ’ m okay. ” 
 
 Confused, I reel back in my chair as Pebbles lifted her head to gaze at me. Her eyes were no longer pure amber but a mix of gold, orange, and reds that swirled around in a hypnotic manner. 
 
 “ Thank you. You have cured me but, please, I need your help. *We* need your help. Or they will kill us all. ” 

