[ WP ] Humanity 's first explorer to a newly discovered habitable planet outside our solar system , you exit the lander and look up to see the new world ... and it 's hilarious .

Major Tomas Martinez steadied himself. He was a very serious man. While he could crack up nicely, he took his work, this mission, the profound moment it was, very seriously. Today was to be a moment that was more historic than even Apollo 11. He meant to be just as historic in his own remarks, offering homage, but being original. One sentence, he had his one sentence to be remembered by for the VR casts back home. 
 
 He double checked all of his suit. Even though the air was breathable, even though the temperature was nigh on perfect for a human being, Martinez was going to be careful: it was the mission protocol after all. But then, he was 65 light years from Earth and the only one in the airlock. Who was going to enforce it if he did n't want to? 
 
 Then again, the idea of dying horribly because a world had some pathogen that just liked how a person might taste great and be less filling. Or there might be something a human being might be horribly allergic to causing him or her to swell up like a balloon, faster than would be possible to get an epipen out to treat with. Or there was always the Scott-Geiger scenario. Oy. No, Martinez was going to be careful and wear the suit, armored and tough and heavy as it was. He wanted to not just be the first person to step onto a new world, but live to tell about it. 
 
 He gave the rest of the crew a thumbs up. He tinted his visor to black. The crew blasted the airlock with UV light to help kill off any Earth microbes silly enough to stick around. Then they bleached the room. Then washed it all away. Coming back in, they'd do it again to him and add in some hydrogen peroxide. His suit could handle it, but it took time. If there was an emergency... 
 
 They rinsed him down several times was deionized water, the air lock door opened, and he gazed out. This new world was a riot of color. Oranges and pinks, yellows and pale reds, purples and some blues in the... ummm... undergrowth. 
 
 All of the'plants' swayed in the breeze. They were gas bags. Hollow and filled with oxygen, they were twisted and braided and looked like linked sausages. The air was denser than on earth, about forty percent more and these plants just made themselves buoyant. People could breathe here, but it was going to feel odd and tiring. 
 
 A gust of wind blew for a moment and the entire'forest' almost blew sideways. 
 
 It was like something out of a kid's dream. A forest made of balloon models, twisted and braided, strange and beautiful, like God had thrown a birthday party on a world scale. It was almost too much to take in. 
 
 The awe and majesty of it all. So strange and wonderful and delightfully child-like. He shook himself out of gawking and made to step off the ramp. 
 
 `` A leap for the ages in one man's small step; humanity...'' 
 
 He'd placed his foot on the ground in the growth and POP! He could even hear it through the suit. And it was loud. Not deafening, but loud. 
 
 PopPopPopPop! 
 
 It was like stepping onto and popping bubblewrap. Cross the stars, try to make a profound speech and... 
 
 Poppopopopopopopopopop! As he put down his other foot. 
 
 He sighed. He could imagine the snickers back in the lander. 
 
 He started walking forward carefully, watching his step and trying to avoid popping anymore. 
 
 Instead it sounded like someone was trying to twist wet balloons. gah! 
 
 Fine. He stomped his way across the'meadow.' 
 
 PopPoppooppooppoBOOM! popopopopopopBoom! 
 
 damnit! 
 
 The first steps on a new world, the first habitable world! was NOT supposed to be like some gawdawful Jerry Lewis comedy! 
 
 Then three big gas bags arrived. They seemed to fly and swim at the same time. They looked, or so it seemed as there was nothing like eyes, right at Martinez. They seem to have been summoned by the sounds Martinez made from popping so many balloon plants. 
 
 Martinez raised his hand in a gesture of peace, of welcome. The creatures seemed to follow the motion cautiously, yet curiously. 
 
 `` I am Major Tomas Martinez, of the United States of America. I come in peace.'' 
 
 They turned back to the speaker on the suit and watched for a moment. They turned to each other and then... 
 
 PPpbbBbbBBTtttbbBBtbtbttttffffffftttt! the aliens replied. 
 
 He heard his crew mates crack up. Cross millions and millions of miles of space, light years, further than any person has gone before, land on an alien planet, meet the natives and... 
 
 `` Tom, better eat some beans. They'll understand you better.'' 
 
 Assholes. His crew mates were assholes.
