[ CC ] He Sold Happiness In Glass Bottles

Okay I'm going to jump straight in with individual things and then I'll tell you about the overall feel of the piece. 
 
 * `` His figure stood lighter than what was left of his hair,'' This sentence, to me, makes almost no sense at all. It's difficult to follow. I can sort of see what you were trying to say, but it does n't come across well. Consider rephrasing or exchanging it with a different metaphor altogether. 
 
 
 * Ironic clouds concealed the sky in a blanket of grey. - How can clouds be ironic? 
 
 
 * Her eyes looked like a midnight sky that was missing its stars. Her lips creased into a desolate smile. These lines ring will a kind of false grandeur. The rest of your writing is quite simplistic and you've gone and lumped in these two metaphors which do n't really fit. I'm guilty of the same thing a lot of the time, I have this solid image in my head and I want to get it across in the most sort of'artistic''abstract' way possible. Try and replace it with something more down to earth, the character will seem more approachable. 
 
 
 * Clouds and misery had invaded and manipulated her brain since she was a little girl. It ’ s all she ever knew and will ever know. - So far it seems as though you're writing from Ed's point of view. By writing this, you've switched suddenly to an omniscient narrator who knows exactly what's going in in everyone's heads. Also, this point is n't resolved at the end. If you're going to bring it in, even in a very short story, wrap it up. It's interesting! Make it lead somewhere! 
 
 
 Overall, I think it's a lovely snapshot into this man's life, but it raises more questions than it answers. Why is selling Happiness? Why does n't he take money from it? Why does he want the girl to try it? It starts off strong at the beginning, but I feel like things do n't really get resolved. For a sixteen year old, this is great. When I was sixteen, I was writing Lord of the Rings fan fiction and I had an OC with magical superpowers, so you're already doing way better than me. It's a great premise, I would just love to see it wrapped up with a conclusion!
