[ CW ] Re-tell a popular/well-known story but do so using a different author 's writing style

( ( Terry Pratchett -- the Arrest of Jesus, gospels ) ) 
 
 It is said that a child always grows in its parents' shadows. Jesus thought that sounded like a frightful theological problem for his part. * 
 
'Are you Jesus, son of God?' asked a rather plum-sized roman soldier who was smoking a cigar and looking at him with some measure of contempt. 
 
'Yes, I suppose I am! How can I help you, officer?' answered Jesus with a bright tone. 
 
 The soldier who went by the name Maximus Bellius grinned so triumphantly it rose all three chins with it and snapped his finger. 
 
'Hah! Got'cha! Silly bugger, did n't think you fall so easily for that ol' trick!' 
 
'Oh dear, is that about the whole kiss thing that Judas gave me earlier? I swear it's not what you think, though I admit I've been awfully vague on the whole thing.' 
 
 Buggery was n't really Jesus' main field of interest, if he was being candid about it. He recalled having had a bit of a rant about Sodom some months ago but figured that any city that gets leveled to ash by a fiery hail of comets brought on by Gods' wrath usually has it coming. Personally he thought it was a bit of a hassle to deal with that Old-Testament stuff when trying to spread a gospel of love and tolerance, but his chum Paul had swore he'd write something about it so he figured it'd sort itself out. 
 
'You just admitted to being the son of God, you did! Well, the Hebrew God that is, which I suppose falls out of juris-dict-ion but we have to keep the peace and the Jews are been awfully prickly about it.' 
 
 Bellius suddenly realized he was dangerously close to what his Centurion had called a theo-logic-al debate. Something he was told to avoid at all cost during their sensitivity-training. Bellius did n't care much for sensitivity or training thereof. But it usually had free lunch so there's that. 
 
'Oh, well I did n't mean to be a bother, soldier. I'll of course turn myself in if that is what is needed.' said Jesus with the sort of smile that would have instantly seemed insincere on anyone but him. 
 
'Well, no, I... Uh, I mean, it's just the law and order you know?' 
 
 Bellius was n't used to people this placid. Most thugs and criminals would profess their innocence and swear by the mother, their donkey, their unborn children or in extreme cases a very strange mix of the three in one. It did n't seem right when a criminal did n't deny he was one. 
 
'Perfectly understandable. There's to be a trial then?' 
 
'Yeah, uh... Are you sure you did n't do it?' 
 
'Being the son of God, you mean?' 
 
'Uhhh. Yes?' 
 
'Well I have faith that I am.' 
 
'Guess that's that then... Alright, well, you'll have to come along with me then mister Jesus.' 
 
 Jesus nodded with a cheerful smile and walked in tow with the great, size-wise, soldier who was sweating profusely under his helmet. He always did that, the climate in Jerusalem was n't entirely made for his compact build but he also felt rather nervous about this whole Jesus-fellow. Criminals were n't supposed to be *nice*, it went against the whole principle of criminality! And while he did n't know the legal ramifications about being a self-professed son of a many-professed God he did n't quite see what the fuss was all about. 
 
'So, soldier! So any idea what punishment lies in wait for me?' asked Jesus in a strangely nonchalant way. 
 
'Uh... probably a slap on the wrist and a bit of a tough scolding, I reckon? ^†' 
 
'Oh that does n't sound so bad at all!' 
 
'I mean, you're only a son of a God, is all.' 
 
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 ^* *It was explained to Jesus later by God that when he created light and made the shadows into some ominous symbol of dark virtues he had n't entirely thought the ambivalent and fussy metaphors that'd create. This had lead to some heated debate about foresight and the nature of black and white. Though God pointed smugly out in the end that Jesus did n't know a thing about cosmology* 
 
 † *Maximus Bellius was keenly aware what the punishment was, but elected not to tell it. One of the few things he remembered from sensitivity-training was that no criminal enjoyed very much to be told they were being crucified. Which is why it was better for it to be a surprise at the end for mental and security reasons. *
