[ WP ] The life of a vampire is n't what it 's cracked up to be .

`` How can you even say that? I mean, consider all the benefits!'' 
 
 `` I think I might be a better authori --'' 
 
 `` Super-strength! Lightning-quick speed! Fucking *immortality*, man! You even get to stay 23 forever!'' 
 
 `` Trust me. I've been doing it for 90 years. I ca n't even imagine what the vampires on year 1000 must go through.'' 
 
 `` Oh, poor you! That whole `` woe is me, eternity is my prison'' shit. I bet all that moping gets you laid like ALL the time.'' 
 
 `` Well, yes, when I entertain the notion. But all of those *benefits* you mentioned... I'm just not sure you've had time to consider the downsides. Trust me, all I *have* is time. And experience.'' 
 
 Jerry rolled his eyes. `` Fine then. *Enlighten me*.'' 
 
 Alex sighed. He launched into the diatribe he'd given so often before. 
 
 `` OK... have you ever held an infant before?'' 
 
 `` Ummmm... sure. What, can you not have babies or something, because I consider that a positive.'' 
 
 `` *Would you like my answer, or would you like to talk over me? *'' Of course Alex knew that, like most humans, the answer was secretly the latter. *All humans love the sound of their own voice. * Jerry, not wanting to seem too self-involved, quickly stopped talking in a huff. 
 
 `` Now then. When you hold an infant, or a kitten, or any small, defenseless thing... you have to temper your strength. So fragile are these creatures that even the slightest movement on your part -- a wayward sneeze, a trip, a sudden clench in your arm -- any of these things could mean the end of the creature in your arms. And you come to care for this creature. It's so innocent, so naive -- it does n't yet understand the harsh truths of the world, and you want to let that creature bask in its ignorance as long as it can. 
 
 `` That's what it means to be a vampire. Constant guarding of my physiological faculties... and my psychological ones as well. If I were to lose my composure for just an instant, Jerry, and if I were to strike you in the face, your skull would break apart and your face would conform around my wrist, still stuck where your nose once was.'' 
 
 `` Is... I mean, is that a threat, Alex?'' The first hint of caution at his behavior passed his lips. 
 
 `` I have no cause to threaten you, Jerry. I only wish to inform you that a life of constant withholding can be a very isolating experience. And of course, there is the matter of immortality.'' 
 
 `` Yeah, yeah, you see your loved ones die and such. But you meet new friends, right? You met me, did n't you?'' 
 
 `` And how lucky am I for that.'' He did n't detect the sarcasm. It was pointless to continue.
