[ WP ] You have finally found a magic lamp and will soon have your wishes granted . Sadly you did n't notice the genie was hard of hearing .

I handed the cash to the manager, who quickly counted the bills and stuffed them in the pocket of his worn out jeans. The mid size padlock didn ’ t put up much of a fight against the enormous bolt cutters, and within seconds he was pulling open the door to the storage unit. ” All yours ”, he mumbled, then turned and shuffled away. I stepped inside, flicked the light switch and pulled the door closed so I could inspect my new wares in peace. 
 
 
 
 The unit was far from full, but the contents still seemed promising. A rococo chair, which seemed to be in great condition, was sure to make back my money alone. After inspecting the woodwork of the chair for a while I turned my attention to a large cardboard box sitting on an old desk in the far corner. The box was filled to the brim with various dusty knick knacks, but I found the only thing of any value to be an old, golden oil lamp. I pulled out a handkerchief and rubbed away some of the dust and grime, trying to figure out what the lamp was made from. A sudden puff of white smoke coming from the nozzle sent me jumping backwards, crashing into a coat stand that toppled over and hit the concrete floor with a thud. The fog was rapidly materializing into the shape of an old man, sitting cross-legged while sort of floating mid air. 
 
 
 
 My heart was pounding inside my head somehow. I ’ m going mad. That is the only logical explanation here, I have absolutely, one hundred percent lost it. The floating man tugged on his long, white beard and glared at me. ” Who are you who awakens me ”, he croaked surprisingly loudly. His sharp, penetrating voice made the small room seem even smaller. No words escaped my mouth, and all I could do was stare at this odd creature that surely must be some kind of hallucination. I wondered if the dust on the lamp could have contained magic mushroom spores or something. 
 
 
 
 ” Are you an imbecile? Say something my good man! ” I still dared not utter a single syllable, for fear of feeding this madness that had clearly manifested in my mind. ” Well then ”, he continued, ” if you are not going to introduce yourself, let us move right on to the official business so that I may soon return to my slumber. As I am sure you are aware, by summoning me you may rightfully claim the fulfillment of three wishes. You must state them within the quarter-hour, or they shall be forever lost. You may not change a wish once it has been granted. Tick tock. ”. He scratched his bald head, squinting eyes still fixated on me. 
 
 
 
 I convinced myself that indulging him would probably be the fastest way to make this bizarre vision go away, but secretly I was hoping, deep down, that somehow a magical lifeline had in fact been thrown my way. After all these years of sifting through other people's former belongings, sometimes getting lucky, but most of the time just barely scraping by, God knows I could need a break. ” Okay then, give me some lottery digits or something ”, I sighed, not putting much faith in the abilities of this floating figment of my imagination. Suddenly a dozen red, blue and green figurines appeared around me. Some on the floor, others on the desk. I picked one up, and it was cold to the touch. I felt the weight of it in my hands, and wondered how something that felt this real could possible be a hallucination. 
 
 
 
 ” Wish granted ”, the human relic declared proudly. In that moment I decided to give up trying to find rhyme or reason to this absurd scenario, and instead confronted him on why the hell he saw producing a bunch of garden gnomes out of thin air as even remotely related to my wish. ” Do not insult my skills! A strange wish indeed, but pottery midgets you wanted and now pottery midgets you have. It is not my place to question a wish once it has been uttered ”. Pottery midgets? POTTERY. FUCKING. MIDGETS. I had to force myself to take a few long, deep breaths, before deciding to let bygones be bygones and focus on the next two wishes. I was going to get it right this time, whether I had lost my mind or not. ” Make all my stock picks from now on amazing winners ”. I repeated it over and over in my mind before I spoke the words, loudly and clearly. ” Your wish is my command ”. Nothing seemed to happen. ” Is it done? Do I have the ability now ”, I asked nervously. ” Sure do, ” the genie replied, ” you will never go hungry again. But out of curiosity, do you mind showing me one of the tricks ”, he asked. 
 
 
 
 ” What? ” I had no idea what he was talking about. ” You know, the sock tricks ”, he said, looking at me with an amused half-smile. I felt my stomach turning. I swallowed hard. ” Tell me, what do you think I wished for? ” ” Why, for all your sock tricks to produce amazing dinners, of course! ” I could not believe it. ” No. NO! NO! NO! I don ’ t even know what a sock trick IS! I don ’ t know a single sock trick! I doubt anyone does! That is not what I wanted at all! ”. ” Well, it does not have to be a good sock trick, son, anything will do ”. I furiously pulled off my right boot, followed by my sock. I held it dangling in the air. ” Now you see it, now you don ’ t! ” I stuffed the sock into my pocket with an exaggerated gesture. 
 
 
 
 A full turkey dinner appeared before me, side dishes stacked on every semi-level surface. On the desk, in the few free spaces between the garden gnomes, were bowls full of mashed potato and sweet potatoes drizzled with mini marshmallows. On the rococo chair three different kinds of pies, and on an old dresser a basket full of rolls and a steaming gravy boat. The bird itself was on the floor by my now naked foot, on a huge plate surrounded by vegetables. The whole room smelled absolutely wonderful. I reached down and pulled off a leg to sample. The meat was unlike anything I had ever had before, so impossibly moist and tender, so mild and flavorful at the same time. 
 
 
 
 Okay. The sock thing was absolutely ridiculous, but I had to admit this wasn ’ t a bad skill to have. And besides, everyone knows that money is what grants wishes in the real world, and I still had one wish left. I thought as long as I dared on how to phrase it as simply as possible, constantly checking my watch to keep track of the 15 minute mark that was approaching fast. Upon deciding I quickly shoved all the stuff in the storage unit to one side of the room, freeing up the needed space. I looked right at the old man, and as loudly and articulately as I could, I yelled ” put a metric ton of gold right here in this room ”. Then I couldn ’ t see anymore. I couldn ’ t hear. I couldn ’ t breathe. I could only feel pressure from every direction, pressure filling up my lungs, burning my eyes. And the smell. That horrible, horrible smell that you only come across when you find something that has been in the back of the fridge for so long it is practically walking away on its own.
