[ WP ] He sees you when you 're sleeping . He knows when you 're awake . And Santa , low on funds to pay his elves , has begun selling his surveillance data to the NSA .

**The Elvish Labor Union v. Santa Clause** 
 *** 
 `` This is unprecedented. It amounts, I daresay, to treason.'' 
 
 I sighed deeply as the Head Prosecutor moved towards me. The look on her face was quite fierce; she wore a business skirt and a white buttoned shirt, and walked across the court room with the swagger of an experienced attorney. But the effect was ruined by her 2 foot tall stature. 
 
 I sighed. `` What else was I supposed to do? With the Unionization of the elves ( damn Marx ) 100 years ago, their demands have steadily gone up.'' I held up my hands in a casual gesture, `` there was simply no other way to keep up with their unreasonable demands.'' 
 
 `` *Unreasonable*?!'' Mark, the Union leader, snarled. He was seated in the witness box, and his little features were contorted with rage,, his blue eyes flashing with anger. Again, I would have duly trembled had he been more than a third my height. `` We were basically slaves, you barely paid-'' 
 
 `` Enough!'' This was accompanied by the banging of the gavel that echoed across the ice chamber. `` I will have order in this court, Mr. Letts. This is your final warning.'' The old judge turned to the prosecutor who seemed to visibly shrink under her intense gaze. `` Would the plaintiff please control their witnesses.'' 
 
 The judge was actually scary. She was two and half feet tall ( a titan for elves ), but was the oldest being alive. Her opinion was more respected than even mine was back when the elves actually listened to me. Her word was final and everyone would follow without question. To the entirety of the North Pole, she was beyond reproach. 
 
 I hid a little smile in my beard. And the prosecutor had just pissed her off. 
 
 `` As I was saying, Mr. Clause,'' The prosecutor continued, `` this is a complete betrayal of the Christmas Spirit, something all inhabitants of the pole are bound to uphold, no matter the cost.'' A murmur of assent went through the courtroom. 
 
 The prosecutor smiled, enjoying the attention, and fixed me with her intense gaze and a positively devious smile, `` You could have accommodated the Union another way. I have already provided expert testimony that shows a 2 % decrease in toy quality would allow you to meet the Union's demanded wage increases.'' 
 
 `` Objection, Your Honor!'' My idiot lawyer had finally decided to say something, seems like. Too bad he let her finish her whole speech. Where the prosecution's lawyer was cool and business like, my lawyer was disheveled and unimpressive. His blond hair was n't combed and his shirt seemed like it had just come out of the dryer; it was all wrinkled. 
 
 Well, with a lawyer like this at least no one could accuse me of corruption. 
 
 The judge did n't even let my lawyer finish his sentence, `` Overruled. Defense, the plaintiff has full right to demonstrate a point.'' 
 
 My attorney fell back down in his seat, fuming. 
 
 `` So, does the accused have any words?'' The prosecutor said with a smile, confident in her argument. 
 
 `` I agree-'' I began 
 
 `` See, your honor! The defendant has admitted to the charges!'' 
 
 The judge coolly held up a hand, `` I believe the defendant was in the middle of speaking.'' Again, she did not raise her voice, but the prosecutor stepped back as if struck by a whip. She mumbled an apology and gestured for me to continue. 
 
 I inclined my head towards the judge in a motion of thanks. `` I agree that the spirit of Christmas is the top priority. I understand that selling surveillance information to the NSA may be seen by some as a betrayal, a twisting of purposes.'' I paused for a effect. `` But this can not be further from the truth.'' 
 
 I had the courtroom's rapt attention, all eyes were focused on me. `` The NSA will, quite simply, ease our job. They have no reason to move against the nice children, only to the naughty ones. In effect, we are outsourcing the determination of qualities. This would allow those surveillance elves to focus more on production. Our toy quality will in fact increase, and thus so will the joy of the children.'' 
 
 What the hell, let's go all out melodramatic. 
 
 `` And to some of these children, Christmas is the only time they receive gifts, the only time they experience joy. A truly magical time.'' My face was a perfect picture of anguish, concern. I debated whether to cry a little, but decided that was too much. 
 
 `` But!'' I held up a finger, `` This joy only applies to the nice kids. They naughty ones do not get gifts regardless.'' 
 
 We used to give coal, but that turned to be a gift in and of itself, so now we just went with nothing. Reducing costs and all that. 
 
 `` So, if I am being punished for simply increasing the joy of the kids who would be blessed by our presents I fully accept any judgment your honor,'' I nodded towards the honored judge, `` will impose on me.'' 
 
 Silence. 
 
 My confidence wavered. Crap. That had sounded great in my head, but what if it did n't come out right? What if I just came off as arrogant? For the first time in the trial, I felt a cold sweat break out. 
 
 And then applause followed. 
 
 My heart started beating again. 
 
 The prosecutor and the Union Leader were giving me openly hostile looks. If eyes could kill, I would be skewered right about now. The judge let the applause ring for about 15 seconds, a good sign, before banging her gavel. 
 
 The judge pretended to think, but it was over really. She had maintained her position of power for centuries, and one did not maintain such power by going against ultra-popular opinions, especially when they are fresh in the populace's mind. 
 
 `` This court rules in favor of the defendant,'' she said after pretending to think for a few minutes, `` Mr. Clause is cleared of all charges.'' 
 
 I fought to keep the manic grin off my face as the crowd roared their approval and the prosecutor and the Union leader walked out the main doors, heads down in shame. 
 
 *** 
 ( minor edits ) 
 
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