[ WP ] The Devil now sends Billy Mays out to sell people on deals with the Devil .

`` BILLY MAYS HERE!'' The fireplace burst into flames, blackening part of the Persian carpet and hardwood floors of the living room. 
 
 I fell backwards off the couch I was reading on, looking at my ruined flooring in dismay. A figure was crouching in the fireplace, but it shifted and climbed out of the fire, kicking away the screen in front of the hearth. 
 
 `` AND I'M HERE TO TELL YOU ABOUT A BRAND NEW DEAL BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE DEVIL HIMSELF!'' 
 
 
 The figure stood to his full height. His jet black hair was slicked back; he sported a magnificent beard and sparkling teeth revealed by a giant, artificial grin. He wore tan dress pants and a button down crimson shirt. His shoulder was adorned by the logo `` DEVIL'S ADVOCATE''. 
 
 `` I'm here to tell you about a brand new bargain to buy anything your heart desires! We can offer anything you want: riches beyond your wildest dreams, control over the White House, any women you want, and of course, OXYCLEAN!'' 
 
 `` Jesus Christ man, can you stop yelling?'' I hissed at him quietly. `` Some people are trying to sleep!'' 
 
 `` I am speaking to you as quietly as I can! The Devil can offer you anything you want! Are you tired of your life? Would you like a new start? Here's the product for you: the best deal of your life! IT HAS THE POWER TO CHANGE THE WORLD FOREVER! ALL FOR THE LOW PRICE OF YOUR IMMORTAL SOUL ^and ^an ^additional ^ $ 29.99 ^for ^shipping.'' 
 
 `` Dude, seriously. Calm down,'' I told him, rising to my feet and putting down the book. `` My wife will be so pissed if she wakes up and finds a guy that overdosed on cocaine in here.'' 
 
 `` I have no comment on my recreational activities! I was offered the best job for me!'' He dug into his pockets and pulled out a packet of papers and dumped it in front of me. `` BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE! If you sign away your soul RIGHT NOW, you can double your deal! ^With ^separate ^shipping ^and ^handling ^costs.'' 
 
 He would not shut up. I swear I could hear movement upstairs. 
 
 `` YOU GET IT ALL! A PLAYBOY MANSION! COUNTRIES AT YOUR FEET! LAUNDRY DETERGENT! TIRED OF PEOPLE NOT OBEYING YOUR EVERY COMMAND? The Devil can - `` 
 
 `` Okay!'' I yelled. I grabbed a pen and signed the giant packet, shoving it into Billy May's arms. `` Just....just stop yelling at me, okay?'' 
 
 
 Billy's grin widened further. `` WE WILL ALSO FIX YOUR FLOORING ^for ^another ^ $ 39.95. Have a good night!'' 
 
 He stepped back into the fire place and with another burst of flame, he finished delivering the last commercial of his I would ever watch.
