[ WP ] `` You had ONE job ! '' both Satan and God scream at you .

“ Here, take this, ” Satan said to me. `` It's an apple from my special tree.'' 
 
 “ Hey, thanks man! ” I said, wrapping myself tightly around the apple. “ You know it's been a long day and I've been working so hard that I missed lunch today so that was really thoughtful of- ” 
 
 “ Shut up, ” Satan snapped, interrupting me. “ It's not for you. What you hold is no ordinary piece of fruit. What that is... ” he paused dramatically, “ is the *temptation* of man. ” 
 
 “ Really? ” I looked down at the small piece of fruit, unimpressed. It was actually kind of shriveled and did n't look that tempting to me. I moved my face a bit closer to get a better look at it. “ You know, is this even an apple? To be honest it looks more like a peach-pear hybrid that's overly ripe or even just a generic frui- ” 
 
 “ It does n't matter what type of fruit it is! ” Again with the interruptions. Satan was being a real jerk today. “ What matters is that the fruit is *symbolic. * ” 
 
 “ Symbolic of what? ” 
 
 “ Of something that is forbidden, ” God chimed in from behind me. I was n't aware that he was in the room too, but he was also everywhere, all the time, so it did not surprise me that he was eavesdropping on us. 
 
 “ Oh.. ” I said, trying to sound like I understood, but totally not understanding. 
 
 “ Your task is simple, ” God pressed on. “ You must find the tree in the Garden that bears that fruit, and then go tempt man to eat from it. ” 
 
 “ Oh, ” I said again, still lost. “ Like a prank? Man walks over and you have the tree all rigged up with traps and stuff? ” 
 
 “ No, not like a *prank. * ” Satan was quickly losing his patience. “ This is a very important task, Serpent. The decision made by Adam will affect the history of humanity. God and I are staking our reputations on its outcome. ” 
 
 “ So then it's a bet? ” I asked. 
 
 “ Yes, it's a bet... I guess, ” God conceded. “ A very special bet. ” 
 
 “ Sounds like fun- I want in too! ” 
 
 “ You ca n't have in. If you do anything to sway the outcome then the whole experiment is ruined, so you have to remain impartial. ” 
 
 It was n't fair. “ Come on... get somebody else to do it. I want to watch with you guys. ” 
 
 God clapped a giant hand over his face in exasperation. “ I created you for the singular purpose of performing this task, so no, you ca n't... um... *watch with us guys*. Get down to the garden. NOW. ” 
 
 There was no arguing with the big man. “ Fine, ” I said, trying hard to hide the fact that I was crestfallen. “ I'll do it. But I mean, I probably should wait until dinner time though....right? ” 
 
 “ Wait... why? ” asked God. I looked back at him to see if he was just playing around. *Was an omnipotent deity really having a hard time putting two and two together? * 
 
 “ Because its not going to be very tempting if Adam is n't hungry. Dude just ate some figs like an hour ago. ” 
 
 “ Hey, the slithering imbecile is right! ” Satan exclaimed. He turned on God, accusation in his stare. “ You were n't about to let Serpent go try to tempt Adam on a full stomach... were you? ” 
 
 “ Uhh... no, ” said God, trying not to look guilty. 
 
 * * * 
 
 Finally the sun set over the Garden of Eden, and both God and Satan agreed that Adam must be hungry, and it was my time to shine. It was time to fulfill my purpose in history and become immortalized as a legend, forever inked into the ledgers of time. It was a big responsibility, and I was jittery with nerves. 
 
 I dropped into the garden and began to slither towards the forbidden tree. I started to scan the lush scene for any sign of the first man, but as I did so, something jumped out of the bushes and landed directly in front of me. 
 
 “ What the heck! ” I yelled in surprise. The thing in front of me was small, furry, and donned a smile full of mischief. 
 
 “ Hi! ” It said. “ My name is Monkey. ” 
 
 “ Hey Monkey! ” I said. I hardly ever got out to the garden and was psyched to make a new friend. “ Nice to meet you. I'm Serpent. ” 
 
 “ Look what I made, ” said Monkey, holding out his hand. He was holding out a green leaf that was blooming with a moving orange flower. Intrigued, I flicked out my tongue to lick it. It bit at me, and I yelped in surprise. It was hot like Satan's breath. 
 
 “ Careful. It's called fire, ” Monkey said. “ I took it from Satan when he was n't looking. You throw it at stuff and it gets bigger... watch. ” 
 
 Monkey tossed the burning leaf into a bush, and we both watched as it erupted into flame. The effect was mesmerizing. 
 
 “ That's awesome! ” I said. “ Let me try. ” Monkey stepped back as I grabbed a tree branch and poked it into the burning bush, letting out an audible gasp as the orange tongue moved onto the top of the branch. I wound up my tail and hurled the burning stick as far as I could. It landed in the branches of the largest tree in the entire garden. 
 
 “ Nice throw! ” Monkey said. For a minute, we sat in silence, watching the small flame flickering faintly from within the thick tangle of branches and leaves. Then, without warning, the entire tree burst into flames, illuminating the entire garden. We both looked at each other, our eyes wide with panic. 
 
 “ Run! ” Monkey yelled, and bolted for the edge of the Garden. We both took off in frenzy, tearing off towards the edge of the garden, not daring to look back at the wildfire behind us. Finally, we crossed the edge of Garden, out into the ethereal realm of safety. I stopped slithering, satisfied that I was far enough away from the danger, and turned to face Monkey. He looked back at me, still gasping for breath, but grinning like a loon. 
 
 “ You're crazy man, ” he said. “ I ca n't believe you burned down the Tree of Forbidden Fruit. That was Satan's special tree. He's been growing that one forever. ” 
 
 I felt my stomach drop as I realized what I had done. “ Oh... whoops. ” 
 
 Just then, Satan and God both burst in on us, their faces flushed with fury. “ Goddammit Serpent, You had *ONE* job! ” they both screamed. 
 
 `` It was n't me,'' I said. `` Man did it.'' 
 
 God turned to Monkey, livid. `` Is this true?'' 
 
 `` Yeah, it was all man's fault,'' Monkey chimed in, backing me up. `` He's the one you should punish.'' 
 
 *** 
 
 /r/ghost_write_the_whip
