[ WP ] You die and go to Heaven , but you feel as though you deserve to be sent to Hell

`` But I did n't believe in God,'' I said. 
 
 `` That part does n't matter as much as most people think,'' the man across from me said. 
 
 The floors, walls, and the desk between us all radiated the same white, serene light. The same light colored his chair, his suit, and most of the room to the point where everything looked as if it were part of a single, flat image in front of me. 
 
 `` What about all the things that I've done?'' 
 
 `` Most were inconsequential. You saw how your heart and the feather balanced with each other.'' 
 
 `` Inconsequential?'' I asked. I thought of all the things that I'd done. All those horrible things. `` There's no way.'' 
 
 `` There are no mistakes here,'' the man said as he produced an empty folder with my name printed in the top left corner. 
 
 `` It ca n't be right. I've hurt people. I've killed other men.'' I began sobbing. `` I raped a girl once.'' 
 
 The man across the desk pulled a sheet of paper from his empty folder. 
 
 `` According to this, Amie actually started that sexual exploit. Then, she fell asleep during. Her friend Ashley walked in on the two of you. As Amie was dating Michael at the time, she told Ashley that you raped her. Pretty clear to us up here that it was in fact consensual.'' 
 
 `` But, she fell asleep,'' I said, `` and I did n't stop.'' 
 
 `` And look how horrible it makes you feel. Look how much you suffered your whole life for it. That suffering is important to us.'' 
 
 `` What about all the fights? The drugs? The sex?'' 
 
 The man across the desk pulled countless pages from the empty folder. 
 
 `` June 27, 1978, you became friends with numerous people that were much older than you, most by at least four years. By July of that year, all of you had started smoking. 
 
 `` January 13, 1979, you first started smoking marijuana and drinking at the urging of your cousin David. That same night, you had sex with a girl six years older than you, but she thought you were only a year younger. 
 
 `` March 28, 1979, you had sex with your cousin, Felicia. 
 
 `` May 11, 1979, you knocked out Justin Prather with a beer bottle, giving him a concussion. You proceeded to break the bottle to use the glass to carve your initials into his back. 
 
 `` May 27, 1979, you had sex with Amie Balock the first of numerous times despite neither of you even being in high school yet. 
 
 `` August 17, 1979, you stabbed Jacob MacLellan in the stomach eight times. 
 
 `` January 22, 1980, you got into a fight with Jonathan Simms over Brittany South. You torqued his arm behind him until it dislocated. You described the sound to the police as'a wet shotgun'. No charges were pressed, but you cried for weeks, and begged a God you did n't believe in to forgive you for the things you did. 
 
 `` That was a real turning point,'' the man across the desk continued. `` You stopped doing those things, cold turkey. No more drugs. No more drinking. No more fights. Went on to finish high school. You married that girl from school, Arlene. You joined the military. When you got out you became a cop.'' 
 
 `` I tried to kill myself,'' I said. `` I thought about it almost every day. I shot people as a cop. Some were defense, but two were just an accident. I thought they had guns. They were just boys. Every night I thought about killing myself. Arlene left me, and that just made it worse.'' 
 
 `` But you did n't,'' said the man across the desk. `` You came through that. You realized that your life was more precious than a quick solution to your suffering. Why, you dedicated your life to helping other people. Built houses. Fed the poor. Alexander, you tried to help people.'' 
 
 `` I was n't motivated by your God,'' I said. `` I grew up reading comic books. Superman motivated me. I'd done so many terrible things, but I knew I could be better. I could help make sure other people did n't choose to be as awful as me.'' 
 
 `` I told you, believing is n't that important,'' said the man across the desk. `` The intention is important. The suffering you endured and strove on through is important. The change is important. You started life as a bad, bad boy, but you went on to be a good man. You wanted to help other people, not because it would get you into Heaven. You wanted to help them solely for the sake of helping them. That's what counts, Alexander.'' 
 
 `` I just do n't think any of it makes up for all that I've done,'' I said. `` Maybe you could just send me to Hell anyway. Damn your scales. It's where I really belong.'' 
 
 The man across the desk flashed me a strange, glassy smile. `` I got ta tell you, Alex,'' he said, `` your continued desire to suffer and be punished for the wrongs you done is actually making it more likely that you'll stay up here with us.''
