[ WP ] You 've always wanted to be childfree , but birth control is only so effective and your partner got knocked up . You get the bright idea to sell your firstborn to the Devil . Describe the haggling process that ensues .

`` A baby?!'' Satan blinked at me incredulously. `` Why in the ever loving fuck would I want a baby? What would I do with it?!'' 
 
 It did n't look like Satan as it sat across the cafe table from me. They could have passed for a handsome woman or a beautiful man, lovely either way, and seemingly irritated at my offer of a free human baby soul. 
 
 “ I mean I dunno. I thought that was how it worked, give a baby to the Devil and get something in return. Never really thought about what happens to it after. ” Satan placed it's beautiful face into it's hands. 
 
 “ Human stupidity never ceases to amaze me. I do n't want a baby, I have no use for it. ” 
 
 “ I mean, you could eat it. Or take it's soul, that's a thing right? ” Lucifer looked up from their hands with abject horror. 
 
 “ That's disgusting. I would never eat anything spawned from a pack of upgraded primates. Especially something of yours, you have issues. ” 
 
 Satan was telling me I had issues....what the fuck? I just did n't want to be a dad, I could n't afford it, I was n't ready, hated kids. Pick an excuse and it was one of the reasons I had arranged this coffee date with the Devil. 
 
 “ Look, I'm just not cut out to be a father, would mess up any kid I ever had. I mean, you even said I had issues right? ” Lucifer nodded, folding their hands into a pyramid. 
 
 “ Cathy wo n't listen, I love her, but I ca n't be a dad. And ever since she heard she has been set on being a mom, and me being a dad, and us being a family. I do n't know what to do, and it has gotten so bad that I am asking SATAN for help. So please....help me. ” 
 
 They sighed and closed their strange orange eyes. 
 
 “ She wo n't even consider adoption? ” 
 
 I shook my head. 
 
 “ She wants to be a mother so badly, but no matter how great a mom she is, it would n't ever be enough to make up for my lacking qualities. No patience, no money, no real prospects. We live with two other people that help with bills. We are in no way prepared to be parents, but Cathy wo n't see that. She would rather ruin a kid than be without it at this point. ” 
 
 “ And you would rather sell it to the Devil. ” 
 
 It was n't a question, obviously, that's why we were here. 
 
 “ Fine. I will take it. ” 
 
 My head snapped up to meet their eyes, blank but for my own reflection. A slow smile spread on that pretty face that displayed far too many sharp teeth. 
 
 “ But. ” Satan said. 
 
 “ But? ” 
 
 “ You must pay a price. ” 
 
 “ Wait....But I'm giving YOU something. ” This was n't how this was supposed to go. 
 
 “ Yes, a burden. ” they sipped their coffee. 
 
 “ You see, infant souls are pure and fresh. Untainted by the sins of man if you will. ” 
 
 They took a sip. 
 
 “ I have no use for servants like that, and raising one would be far too much work, I mean, dad did it and look what happened. “ 
 
 Another sip. 
 
 “ And as for the soul itself, the only thing I could really do would be to return it to the well for recycling. As it is of course, pure, and can not really be used as energy for any dark purpose. ” 
 
 Another sip. Sweat was beginning to trickle down my neck now. Maybe this had n't been such a good plan. 
 
 “ So Mike this is really more of a favor I would be doing for you, rather than you for me. ” 
 
 They drained their cup and motioned to the waitress for another without even looking, knowing that within minutes the cup would be refilled. 
 
 “ My price, since you seem to not care much for the fate of your unborn, will be suffering inflicted upon you, contingent on the suffering of Cathy at the loss of her child. ” 
 
 *That may be a game changer. * I thought to myself and Satan smirked like they had heard me, they probably had. 
 
 *I mean, people move on. The loss of the baby will devastate her of course, but she will move on. * 
 
 *You are a terrible person. You love Cathy and you are willing to hurt her because you are selfish as fuck*. 
 
 A wider smile from the Devil. They could definitely hear the internal conflict I was having. 
 
 *Yeah but she hates kids too, ca n't stand babies or diapers, ca n't stand their screaming and everything about them. SHE HATES BABIES! * 
 
 A chuckle, well more like a hissing laugh between dagger teeth. 
 
 *I would be doing us a favor. * 
 
 “ What is the price? ” 
 
 “ I already said, suffering equal to that of Cathy's. ” 
 
 I knew Cathy, ultimately she would realize that it was better that way. I would be able to bear the suffering knowing I could continue my life, comforted by the fact that my girlfriend is emotionally rational and that she would agree that we would make terrible parents. 
 
 So it was with almost certainty I reached out and shook the slender, dagger nailed hand of Satan. 
 
 -- - 
 
 Andrew was born at 10:00pm, a healthy eight lbs four ounces, and perfect. Cathy cried, I was confused. 
 
 This was not how it was supposed to happen. The baby was never supposed to have been born. Now I realized the gravity of my error, and my lack of negotiating skills. 
 
 We had never discussed the timing of the deal, the Devil was going to get his money's worth so to speak. 
 
 We took him home two days later, to a nursery I had begrudgingly set up within our room, and I waited. 
 
 -- - 
 
 It took longer than I had expected. Andrew was six months old when he passed away peacefully in his sleep. SIDS the doctor said, nothing we could have done to prevent it. He had just started mumming the word dada. 
 
 Cathy was devastated. 
 
 So was I. 
 
 Surely this pain was my price, the crushing swallowing darkness as we buried our son and cried. 
 
 -- - 
 
 Cathy became distant. She had stopped eating, swapping between muttering angrily or bursting into tears. I was n't allowed near her, she would shut herself in the room and cry about not being good enough mother. 
 
 I watched as she wasted away. Eventually, she was so malnourished her organs started to fail and she had to be rushed to the hospital. 
 
 This is all my fault. I was wrong, and this is all my fault. What have I done. I sat in a hospital chair surrounded by beeping machines, the ones keeping Cathy asleep and breathing. 
 
 Wait, she was n't breathing, her eyes were open and she was laughing from behind the respirator in her throat 
 
 I approached her slowly, about to call the nurse. 
 
 I met her eyes, and they were steel, and bored into me like knives. Her eyes never left me as she reached up and tore the tubes from her throat and body and I lunged for the bed, trying to call the nurse. I started yelling. 
 
 “ I hope you suffer. ” 
 
 Cathy had n't spoken a clear word to me in months, and the sharpness of that simple statement froze me. 
 
 “ F-for what my love? ” I knew. 
 
 Of course Satan had told her. 
 
 “ For selling our son to the Devil. ” And her heart stopped beating. 
 
 -- - 
 
 
 Edited and re-posted for many errors. I hope you enjoy it, all feedback is appreciated. Thanks for reading!
