[ WP ] you 're a literal walking positive energy nuke - the happier you are , the more nuclear energy you build up until you explode . As a result , you live your life as an incredibly angry , bitter person to protect everyone around . However , you wake up one day and have the best day of your life .

Today is not going well for you. Actually it is, but that ’ s sort of your problem right now is n't it? You see, today is going shockingly well for you which means it ’ s going exceptionally poorly for everyone else. But don ’ t worry about it. It ’ s not like having a good day is going to destroy half of the city you ’ re currently standing in. Except of course that ’ s exactly what ’ s going to happen. If you ’ re too happy than everyone else has to get a little sad don ’ t they? It ’ s what makes you the most worthless mutant in the world. Other people can fly, teleport, shoot lasers from their hands, or do honest to god miracles. You though, well you ’ re just a weapon. You ’ re not even a good one. You can ’ t be aimed or directed. And while absorbing positive emotions and turning them into energy is a real neat trick…well you can only really do it once. 
 
 It ’ s actually amazing how long you ’ ve been able to avoid detection, but if you don ’ t lock this day down one of two things is going to happen to you Edgar. You ’ re either going to pull in enough energy that you register on the government ’ s monitoring devices and they ’ re going to come get the dangerous unregistered mutant or you ’ re going to lose control and kill yourself and everyone within a six mile radius. So let ’ s get it together and turn that frown back into an actual frown. Ok? 
 
 I get it though. None of this is your fault is it? You woke up this morning the same way you always do with all your usual preparation completed the night before. Sure you were a little more groggy than usual so you somehow avoided all the Lego ’ s you keep scattered around your bed this morning. That has happened once or twice before. One good thing isn ’ t an actual problem. But then all the other bad things you schedule to happen to you every morning also didn ’ t happen. 
 
 You missed the note that your landlord left on your kitchen table telling you that he had come in and made repairs to your shower yesterday. So you didn ’ t burn or freeze yourself. Apparently the milk you bought last month is especially hardy because it wasn ’ t curdled or rancid at all. Wasn ’ t that coffee very refreshing for once? Oh and what a twist of fate that the weather reports were wrong and it didn ’ t rain at all last night, so the seats of your Mazda were as dry and comfortable as a loving embrace from mother. 
 
 Oh! Speaking of mother, what a lovely gift she sent you this morning. Apparently, despite your firm requests and outright demands that she never send you a birthday present, she thought if she sent it two weeks late, she could say she was randomly thinking of you. And that sweater is a lovely shade of blue. It matches your eyes so well you sick twisted monster. Is your fashion sense really worth the thousands of lives you could end Edgar? Is it? 
 
 I ’ m being a bit harsh though. Most of today isn ’ t really your fault and I shouldn ’ t blame you. You didn ’ t make your team magically meet their deadline despite your frequent sabotage. You certainly didn ’ t make your boss hand out bonuses because of it. And who even knows what possessed Cindy to ask you out to “ celebrate ” this Friday. You were so shocked you said yes! What is wrong with you?!? I know you think about her at night when you ’ re forcing yourself to watch hours of QVC and Public Access Television, but how could you be so stupid! The correct response was to send her pretty face packing with a “ I would never go out with you ” or “ You ’ re not really what I ’ m looking for ”! It was not to stammer in surprise and say “ I would love to ”! You weak willed man, putting your feelings ahead of everyone ’ s wellbeing. Tell me, what kind of first date will it be when you explode and burn the flesh from her bones? Will that be as magical as you ’ ve imagined it to be? Will her screams of agony be worth the five minutes of nice conversation? 
 
 Look Edgar, I know this is hard for you. I know you ’ re getting tired and you just want this to end. But let ’ s be honest with ourselves. You are simply too much of a coward to kill yourself and you are starting to lose the strength to keep doing what is necessary here. We both know it ’ s time to leave Edgar. Five years in one place? You ’ ve gotten too close to people. You ’ re too accustomed to your routine. It ’ s not depressing anymore. It doesn ’ t make you angry anymore. It ’ s become rote. It ’ s become normal. And if things are normal…well then they can easily become “ ok ”. And if they become “ ok ”, well what ’ s to stop you from thinking “ everything is going to be alright ”? Because you know that everything isn ’ t going to be alright, don ’ t you? It can ’ t ever be alright. Because, if it ’ s ever alright for even a moment then suddenly everything with be all wrong for everyone and you know that. 
 
 So Edgar, here ’ s the plan. We ’ re going to stand up from our desk. We ’ re going to make eye contact with exactly no one. We ’ re going to walk into our boss ’ s office and we ’ re going to call him something especially horrific and tell him we quit. No two weeks ’ notice. No going away party. Just “ I quit ” and out the door. Don ’ t even stop to get anything from your desk. Then we ’ re going to drive home, making sure to tell every homeless person on the way that not only do we have change but we would literally never ever give it to them. When we get home, were going to start packing our things and putting them in our car. We ’ re going to occasionally slam our hand in the front door while we cart out the boxes that we are going to pack poorly enough that sometimes the bottom will fall out of them so we have to stop and pick everything up. We are then going to drive Edgar. We ’ re going to get in the car and we ’ re just going to drive. So…take a moment. Prepare yourself for what has to be done and let ’ s keep everyone safe. Ok? 
 
 …Edgar? Edgar what are you doing? Why are you looking over at Cindy? Why are you smiling? Edgar get yourself under control. Don ’ t do this to yourself. Don ’ t do it to her. You know what happens if you do this. Stop smiling Edgar. Stop looking into her eyes. You ’ re going to get yourself killed. You are going to kill her. You ’ re going to be a murderer. Stop it. 
 
 Edgar it ’ s getting warm in here. 

