[ WP ] `` Do you still think about what you did ? ''

`` Do you still think about what you did?'' 
 
 I do n't know how to answer. I do n't know if she wants me to say yes and I'm so sorry and I was in a bad place and I regret it so much. Or if she wants a no and for me to tell her I've moved past it, that I've closed that chapter and I'm a better person than before. I do n't know if she wants me to dwell on it or if it'll be better to act like I'm not the same man. 
 
 `` What?'' 
 
 `` Do n't do that. You heard what I said. I know you heard me.'' 
 
 `` What do you mean?'' 
 
 `` Do you regret anything?'' 
 
 `` Like what?'' 
 
 `` Please. Please do n't play dumb. You know what I'm talking about.'' 
 
 I ca n't look at her. I stare at the drops of water trickling down my glass, staining the table. 
 
 `` Do you want me to spell it out for you? Do you really want me to say it? We both know you're not a fucking idiot. You know what I'm asking.'' 
 
 I fight the urge to get defensive, to deflect this conversation so we can pretend to forget the point of meeting. 
 
 `` Please just answer me.'' 
 
 I manage to glance up, only to see tears trickling down her face, smearing her makeup. 
 
 I take the breath to start telling her what I hope is the right answer but she keeps her monologue going. 
 
 `` I know I do. I think about what you did every day. Every fucking day. Whether I want to or not, I'm reminded of you by everything I see. Every song I hear, I think of you. Every time I eat, I think of whether or not you'd be too picky to try it. Every movie, every show I watch, I think of lying on your lap on the couch. When it's cold, I think of your jacket, your hand around mine. Literally every fucking thing in my life hurts because of you.'' 
 
 I'm crying. Eyes closed, head down, trying to hide my shame. 
 
 `` So you know what, I do n't want you to answer. I do n't know why you agreed to meet if you were just going to be like this again. Maybe this is what I needed, to see you doing the same shit as before, not being able to talk to me about anything.'' 
 
 `` Im sorry.'' Im surprised my voice still works. 
 
 `` I do n't really care. I do n't care if you think about what happened.'' 
 
 She gets up, thinks about saying something else, but changes her mind. I watch her walk away, out of the restaurant. 
 
 I wish I knew how to talk to her. I wish I had the courage to apologize. I'd tell her that I do think about it. I think about what I did as much as she does. But now I'll have something new to regret, something else to haunt me. I'll think about what I did n't do tonight.
