[ WP ] Lost life

`` He was...fragile.'' I began, cautiously thinking my words. Rethinking on the last moments we shared. It felt awkward to comment it, even to Svi, but she would understand. She knew me and I never hid anything from her. The whole thought of her expression gave me a sense of amusement. I'm sure he'd be both amused and embarrassed by it too. I pictured his face. I had to admit, he looked cute. `` I noticed it when we were dragging our derrieres across that wasteland we fell into. It was hot and our suits did n't exactly help with that, you know? Along the way we started to shed it off: first the shoulder plates, the leg guards... In the end, we just ended up with the our basic uniform.'' 
 `` I'm surprised you did n't run naked in the Dunes.'' Svi grinned at me. I then gave her one of my own and her face went from amusement to surprise. `` Wait.. do n't tell me you actually *did*?'' 
 `` Sort of.'' I chuckled. `` It was n't just any of my usual workings however.'' 
 
 I began to retell her about Yves' last moments. How despite my efforts to find a place to cover ourselves from the sandstorms that hellish planet had to offer us, there was n't a single rock or cave to hide in. It was getting hard to see, hard to breathe and that did certainly not help his punctured abdomen at all. Perhaps the sand aided as a way to clog his wound with something else but there was no way I could treat him under such conditions. 
 After hours of struggles to keep ourselves from drowning in sand and noticing how getting rid of our helmets was perhaps a *very* bad idea, night fell and with it the rage of the Dunes. 
 We sat down, had a chat about life and I went to check his wound. 
 By that time, it had become infected. Our supplies burned with our aircraft. We were alone in God knows where, bare handed. I tried to liven up the situation but Yves did n't really needed to. He was smiling all the time, even though the pain and mental effort to keep himself awake was taking a toll on him. 
 I reminded myself of a lesson Fireheart had told me long before I decided to embark into the path of the Haute Captaine: the harshest and most painful knowledge is that one of your jobs is to keep the timeline clean but when encountering difficult choices, you might begin to have second thoughts about it. To be able to travel through time, it is both an amazing adventure and a curse. Even if I wanted to, or could, I could n't bring him back. I could n't go back and tell myself'Do n't do it' or'Do it this other way if you do n't want to loose your best friend in the worse manner possible'. You could, but you know you ca n't. It's a hard realization. No matter how much power, you ca n't change the past. It does n't work that way. 
 
 I remember Yves turning to me, wheezing, with the realization that perhaps one of us was n't really going to make it. His smile turned much gentler than usual, placing his right hand on my lap and rubbing my knee. 
 
 `` You *do* know I do n't swing that way.'' I chuckled. 
 `` It'll be our secret, if you let me.'' 
 
 It was a bizarre idea, one which Svi began to make a wry smile when she started connecting the dots. Yves had never actually done something on that manner - which I used to pick on telling that Swiss never ever got laid and all about them doing so were lies - and even as a child he had confessed his'true irrefutable love' towards me. 
 My father was n't a 21st century conservative politician, but he was n't into letting this 6 year old kid chase me around school trying to kiss me. 
 I remember him sitting me by his side and tell me not to let that kid's mind loose on the matter. 
 It was then when I learned that I could also swoon boys.. but I never had any interest on the matter. 
 
 `` You ca n't tell me...'' Svi sighed, shaking her head in disbelief, trying not to either chuckle or laugh too loud. ``.. that you granted Jean Yves Rousseau his most treasured wish. Really. How?'' 
 `` I have to admit that maybe I was n't sound mentally, but also there was this part of me that just said'Sure, why not grant this dying man his wish?''' 
 
 I then proceeded to tell her the rather hilarious tale of how I had to take off his clothing - with him protesting in a meek voice that'it was n't what he expected in his first time' and me shutting him down with an irked'well, I've never fucked a man. Give me some credit!.' - take my own while I watched over so he did n't die on me before and have him *mount* me. Me, the one who has fame in the TSP for'knowing' much of the lady staff... 
 
 Sverige could n't stop laughing. 
 
 `` Fucking unbelievable.'' 
 `` But you know what?'' I spoke again once her laughter quieted down. `` It was very different from what I expected.'' 
 `` What? You having Yves grind you while he was *dying*? As it was n't strange enough. You were doing borderline necrophilia there.'' 
 
 I chuckled and shook my head. Looking down at the gravestone under us, I spoke again. 
 
 `` It is true that I have done strange things. Heck, I've lost count of my sexual escapades and with whom. But that brief time with Yves was the first time I had actually dedicated myself to give somebody else pleasure. It was n't just for a `` how many I can fuck?'' count, or to feel good about myself. This was the first time I gave myself to somebody other than myself. And you know what? Despite the strangeness of it all, it felt good.'' 
 
 He tried so hard to keep up and after just 10 minutes or a bit less of going in, it was hard *not* to notice his jagged breaths and his overall weakness. I made him stop in his feeble trusting and had him lay on my chest instead. He was apologetic about how he had been a bad partner but I just assured him it was all right while I kissed his head. All he wanted was that moment. The act itself was part of it. 
 Thinking about it further, I'm surprised he made it up to late in the night. 
 I clothed him up, clothed myself up, tended his wound once more - it was hard not to get disgusted by the bile-like goo stuck in there - and had him set his head on my lap. 
 
 `` This is how I dreamed it'd be like.'' his voice was very quiet by that point and I'm sure the soft trembling was not due the cold misty weather it fell upon us. 
 `` Even that sad attempt at sex?'' 
 He nodded `` Exactly as I envisioned it. Thank you for giving me that chance to experience it.'' 
 
 I was probably so entranced by my tale that I had not noticed my own tears. Svi patted my back, which brought me back to reality once more. 
 I sighed. 
 
 `` He died while he slept. I was n't sure what to do at the time. The signal was sent from the very moment we crashed but nobody showed up until it was too late. All the time, I kept him by my side and kept petting him, singing softly at him. I do n't know if it was my mind at denial but I swear I could hear his mousey-like squeaks when he enjoys something.'' 
 
 *Ah! Responds, responds a ma tendresse 
 Verse-moi, verse-moi l'ivresse 
 Responds a ma tendresse 
 Responds a ma tendresse 
 ahhh verse-moi l'ivresse 
 verse-moi, verse-moi l'ivresse 
 responds a ma tendresse 
 respond a ma tendresse 
 ahhh verse-moi l'ivresse* 
 
 We stared down at the grave again. A single rose laid on the ground. 
 Yves, my friend. The one who, without knowing it, had thought me to love. 
 
 *Au Revoir, mon cher. May the Alps be a guardian of that heart of gold of yours. 
 - Ton amie, Jacques'Renault' Delacoix. * 
 
 

