[ WP ] Faced with population growth , Purgatory has been streamlined into court cases which determine if the defendant goes to Heaven or Hell . These trials are usually resolved in a day , with multiple day cases being abnormal . Your client 's case has reached its second week , the longest case in decades .

Your Honor, Gabriel, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, good morning. 
 
 It has been nearly two weeks since I, and counsel for our Heavenly Father ’ s government, gave our opening statements in this case. Both sides stood here, right where I ’ m standing, and made you a set of promises. I want to start by focusing on what the government told you the morning we started this trial. 
 
 Now, Gabriel said a lot of things about Mr. Johnson. That he was a wicked man. That he did ‘ sinful ’ things. That he violated God ’ s law. Gabriel, and God ’ s government, claimed that they would prove without a shadow of a doubt that Mr. Johnson was unworthy of The Lord ’ s light and that he should writhe in hell-fire for all eternity. It was a bold promise. 
 
 One they have failed to keep. 
 
 Look at the evidence. You sat through dozens of witnesses, listened to hours of testimony, and saw hundreds of documents. Put together, they all prove one thing: that Mr. Johnson was human, same as the rest of us. That may not be how the government sees it, but it ’ s the only logical conclusion. 
 
 Now, Gabriel would like you to forget 99 % of Mr. Johnson ’ s life. He wants you to ignore his time as a combat medic in the great war. To disregard his work with Habitat for Humans. To overlook his stint as a volunteer firefighter. To skip past every good deed he has ever done, and focus all of your attention on one short moment in his life. 
 
 Don ’ t fall for it. 
 
 When I conclude this statement, the judge will issue you a set of jury instructions. He will tell you the applicable law, and it will be for you to decide whether Mr. Johnson deserves to be torn apart, day in and day out, by demon wolves and other satanic machinations. 
 
 There will be a lot for you to sort through. Your job will be to go through line upon line of biblical law and judge this man fairly. But what you wo n't find in in those statutes is anything that calls masturbation a sin. 
 
 You may have heard the phrase, “ It is better to cast your seed in the belly of a whore than to spill it on the ground. ” This appears nowhere in the bible and you won ’ t be asked to judge Mr. Johnson for the act. What ’ s at issue here is the content he viewed while performing it. 
 
 I submit to you the following question: if'it' is not explicitly a ‘ sin ’, and a man may not necessarily lust after the people he does'that' to, how can it be immoral to perform this deed while looking at a faded picture depicting an attractive, younger version of your maternal grandmother? 
 
 Simply put, it ’ s not. 
 
 Mr. Johnson has been very candid about this throughout the trial. He took the stand and endured blistering cross-examination from our sword-wielding prosecutor for more than two hours. Not once did Mr. Johnson...
