[ WP ] You live a normal life until your guardian angel shows up and scolds you because of her workload .

When my father left my family, I became severely depressed. It was so sudden, out of the complete blue, one day we were a happy, normal family -- well, *relatively* normal -- and the next, he left everything behind, never to return. He had no history of drug or alcohol abuse, hardly any fights between him and my mom, none of the stuff you hear about when someone mentions their shitty childhood. 
 
 I was only 16, and I fell straight down into a bottomless pit of despair, doom, and self-destruction. Or at least *attempted* self-destruction; this is how I discovered my ability to avoid any possible bodily harm. Every time I tried to kill myself, it just *wouldn't* work. 
 
 The first time was when I tried swallowing a bottle of aspirin. I had the bottle opened, upended over my eager little emo mouth that was pointed skyward to receive my death like an anxious baby bird. I shook the bottle once. Nothing came out. I shook the bottle twice. Still, not a single pill cooperated with gravity. Upon the third shake is when I realized that all of the pills were stuck together. After a half-hour of half-brained attempts to unstick the pills using various methods ( chisel, hot water, etc. ) they *finally* came loose, but they spilled all over the floor just as my mom was coming home from work. Not a single pill made it past my lips. 
 
 Undettered from ending my woeful life, my second attempted employed a length of rope that mysteriously fell apart as I was putting the noose around my neck. The third attempt involved running out onto the freeway only to be narrowly missed by a swerving semi with the reflexes of a professional stunt driver. By the fourth attempt, when I tried drowning myself in water receding in a Tantalus-esque fashion, I started to realize something was n't *normal*. 
 
 I've since crawled my way out of my depression, with help from my mom and several therapists, but I still try to kill myself just for the amusement and out of curiosity. I've even turned it into a morbid party trick for my friends. 
 
 I'm about to commit my 1000th attempt. This is a private ceremony just for myself. I'm standing in my bathtub, shin deep in water, with a running toaster oven in my hands. I'm poised and focused, ready to watch the toaster bounce out or do some other crazy shit after I drop it. 
 
 As I'm about ready to let go, everything goes dark. The electricity has gone completely out and I can see almost nothing, except a faint glow in front of me that is growing brighter and larger. It's a shimmering figure to be specific. She has long, flowing hair, perfect skin, 3 pairs of iridescent wings sprouting from her back, and she is wearing a glowing white robe. 
 
 `` Can you fucking not?'' she sings in a broad, echoing alto that sounds like the very music of heaven itself. 
 
 `` Wh-what?'' I ask, blinking rapidly because I'm absolutely astounded at her beauty. 
 
 `` Did I stutter, child?'' she asks, still singing. `` I am your guardian angel, and I am sick of your shit. When you were depressed, I carried you through so you could have a better life. You have that better life now, and you need to stop the antics.'' 
 
 The toaster slips out of my hands, she catches it as it falls and smacks me upside the head with it in one swift motion. 
 
 `` Let that be a lesson to you,'' she sings as she fades away.
