[ WP ] You 're part way through a course when you realise that it 's for aspiring supervillains .

I guess I should have taken more notice when I saw the module entitled “ Death Ray: Effective Weapon or Superhero Bringer? ” But what do I know about modern business courses? Nothing, apparently. 
 Now that I come to think of it, the lecturer, a Professor Ernie Vile, was a little eccentric. He once showed us five effective ways to get out of a super-strong headlock. I did wonder just what I was getting myself into then. How irate could customers get? I only wanted to start a small photography business. Also, I would like to make it absolutely clear that I never went in there to become a supervillain. I honestly believed it was a business course right up until the League of Heroes burst through the door with their sting operation. 
 
 I remember once we were asked to take in something in that would be a symbol of our trade. The Captain, he ’ s the one with the cape, brought in a sort of gun to which he ’ d attached pipes filled with a blue liquid. He said it didn ’ t work yet, but that it would truly revolutionise the world. I thought that was a little over the top. I mean, paintball is fun, but it ’ s hardly revolutionary. 
 
 Someone else brought in a crystal of some sort. It was kind of iridescent and emitted a faint humming noise. A bedside light designed to lull children to sleep, maybe? He wouldn ’ t say where he got it, just that it was some sort of meteor remnant. He had a friend he always brought with him who carried everything for him and gave out stern looks if someone ever tried to contradict him. He had apparently been a loyal employee of Czar Dee Struction for years. What kind of parents name their kid Czar, anyway? Hippies, obviously. That also explained the fascination with crystals. 
 
 For my part, I took in a camera because… Well, what else symbolises photography better than a camera? I remember when it was my turn to show it and everyone asked me, rather enthusiastically, what it did. Took pictures, I explained. 
 This was met with some confusion. Did it evaporate people, Anne Archy asked. No, I explained. It was a camera. Did it hypnotise? I laughed. People did tend to become mesmerised when you were snapping photos of city buildings, yes. 
 This seemed to satisfy them and afterwards I had a rather bizarre conversation with a hunched up man who suggested that a bright enough flash could be used to blind people. 
 
 It was about six months later, and the professor had asked to see our progress with our various projects. I had brought in my camera, as usual, and a portfolio I had been working on. The hunched man came over and excitedly handed me a handheld flash. The captain had added some reservoirs to his gun for the strange water, and he said it presently only worked at short range, but he expected to have a fully working version in a few weeks. 
 Czar had placed the crystal in a kind of metal box with a crude convex dish cut into one side. It reminded me of a square death star. He said that the dish amplified the effect of the crystal. I remember rolling my eyes at it. 
 
 Just then, the door burst open and in jumped eight costumed men, in my shock I triggered the flash, and four of them dropped to their knees clutching at their eyes. One of them, The Gavel, or something, jumped over to me and got me in a headlock. The man was incredibly strong, and so I used number three of the five effective ways to get out of a super-strong headlock. He tumbled to the floor and Czar pressed a button on his box. A ray of blue light shone out and knocked down Gavel and Mr. Truth. I saw then that the Captain, was having trouble with the guy in the pink leotard, and had dropped his paintball gun. I grabbed it with the intension of shooting him in the eyes, those paintballs could do some serious damage when up close, but instead the liquid streamed out and pink-leotard man just kind of… disintegrated. That was an utter shock, and probably about the time I realised this wasn ’ t a common old garden business course. 
 
 The Victor, or Victorator, whatever his name was, it should have been The Vacator because he just jumped out through the ceiling and we never saw him again. 
 
 And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I am speaking to you as Supreme Evil Leader of The World. 
 Please, remain calm and collected during the transitional period. Or don ’ t, I don ’ t care either way. But riots, protests or any kind of dissent will be met with the most swift and brutal action. 

