[ WP ] You have the ability to make inanimate objects come to life by putting googly eyes on them .

`` Come on.'' 
 
 `` Do n't wan na.'' 
 
 `` I will hurt you,'' I said with a glare. 
 
 The printer rolled his googly eyes at me. `` Do n't have a brain. Do n't feel pain.'' 
 
 `` Fair enough. How about I rip your eyes off?'' I asked casually. 
 
 `` *No! *'' 
 
 `` Then print my fucking report, now.'' 
 
 It whimpered but began to make the usual whirring noises. Several seconds later, I held the papers in the my hands and grimaced. The colors were n't quite right. I sighed; there was no point berating the stupid thing about it, I was going to be late for work. 
 
 `` Boss,'' a voice sang from the kitchen. `` Got something nice and warm for you...'' 
 
 I went over and plucked out two perfectly toasted slices of whole wheat. `` Thanks, Toaster. Why could n't Printer be more like you?'' 
 
 `` I heard that!'' 
 
 `` Oh that old thing. It just ca n't appreciate how great you are. With those big, strong arms and tight buttocks...'' the toaster cooed. 
 
 `` Oh, right,'' I muttered, walking away. `` That's why Printer should n't be more like you.'' Why the hell would a living toaster be perverted? 
 
 `` Oooo, yeah, walk away from me, *mmm... *'' 
 
 I shuddered and bit into a slice. Toast hanging from my mouth, I quickly donned my usual shirt and dress pants and checked my hair in the mirror. 
 
 `` Mirror, mirror on the wall,'' I said dramatically, `` Who's the fairest --'' 
 
 `` Not you, you fugly piece of shit,'' it spat back at me. `` Good thing you did n't attach a mouth to me, or I would throw up every morning when you looked at me.'' 
 
 `` Do n't you dare say that about him!'' came from the kitchen. The mirror let out a select stream of obscenities in response. 
 
 I ignored both of them and jogged to the front door. As I slipped on my shoes, I heard: `` What's the point?'' 
 
 `` Huh?'' I looked around. 
 
 My front door stared at me sadly. `` Another day of our pointless existences.'' 
 
 `` Oh, do n't be like that,'' I replied. `` It's a beautiful, sunny day with lots of golden opportunities. Is n't that right, Window?'' 
 
 `` It is sunny, but how can... how can an opportunity be golden?'' the window answered with confusion in its voice. It was n't the brightest thing in my home. Which, in retrospect, seemed a tad ironic. 
 
 `` It ca n't,'' the door answered. `` It's a lie. Everything is a lie. But that does n't matter, because everything is pointless.'' 
 
 I waved my hand airily and laughed. `` Oh, you silly door. Open up for me, will ya?'' 
 
 It swung open and I stepped out. `` See you later, door.'' 
 
 `` Unless you die before your day ends. Or I die. Or both of us.'' The last one seemed to cheer it up a bit. `` Goodbye!'' 
 
 
 
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