[ PI ] The Unloved and the Unnatural - 1stChapter - 2297 Words

As I've said in the others, I'm not sure if we're supposed to critique or not, but I need notes to keep everything straight, so hopefully I can provide some value to you while I'm taking them: ). 
 
 I like the concept of this piece - the link between the two worlds, the guy who's jumping into the rift between them - but the execution is n't working for me so far. I do n't really care about the protagonist, the worldbuilding feels half-sketched ( albeit a potentially interesting half-sketch ). 
 
 I actually think this piece could begin with him on line for the portal. The opening does n't really engage me, and really nothing of consequence happens until he's in line. For that matter, it's possible that the piece could begin in the portal itself, as there's no real consequence to anything that happens until he steps into the Rift. ( Stepping into the Rift is the only consequence, but you need that consequence for the story to get started ). 
 
 As you go forward with this piece, remember to give the protagonist strong goals and to put strong countering forces in place so that he ca n't achieve those goals without sacrifice. Also make better use of the difference between the two worlds - right now I'm not seeing much difference between Erde and Earth, and I suspect that if you're going to write a story set in two worlds, I'll need to if the story is to succeed. ( Those differences should PROBABLY intersect with the thematic points you're going after. ) 
 
 Good luck! 
 

