[ WP ] The US government sends Bob Ross back in time to help Hitler get accepted into Art School .

Given how badly our administration had botched the Bermudan crisis, the federal food-stamp initiative, the human data chip roll-out, the Domesticated Pet draft, and the Chinese Cold War, messing around with the Holocaust probably wasn ’ t the best idea. But it was because of all those scandals that we settled on the Holocaust. We needed something big, something that would give us a boost in the polls and help people forget about the endless fuck-ups. What could be bigger than preventing the Holocaust? President Cruz Jr. ’ s task force found that it would account for somewhere between a 5 to 16 % jump in our approval rate, which was pretty good, given our track record. 
 
 Before then, we ’ d only used the Tessellate for very minor revisions, but that was in non-election years. There was public demand for bigger revisions, and if it wasn ’ t us, it would be the next administration. No one on the executive saw any downside. The beauty of the Tessellate was that only those hooked in would retain their memory of the original timeline. History would be altered, and so would consciousness. If it was a success, we made the records public. If it was a failure, the records were kept sealed and none would be the wiser. And how could we make it worse? It was the Holocaust, for Christ ’ s sake. 
 
 For months, the secret meetings continued at the White House. Secretary Palin-Obama suggested we send back Seal Team 6 to off baby Adolph, but the optics on infanticide just didn ’ t look good, even when it came to Hitler. General Sanders the Second wanted to send back our Robot Infantry for a full-own battle with the Third Reich. While we all agreed that would be pretty cool, we just couldn ’ t justify the trillion-dollar expenditure. I was the one who suggested we divert Hitler, instead of outright killing him. While it wouldn ’ t have the same sizzle factor, it would get the job done easy and for little expense. The president agreed. 
 
 Many names were thrown around. A few wanted to send back Keith Richards to get Adolph hooked on heroin, but we couldn ’ t justify sending back a 121-year-old. Some wanted to send back the newest Kardashian, since it ’ d still be a net-positive for us if something did happen to her during the mission, but she ’ d only agree if we televised it, and we needed top secrecy. Finally, the president himself came up with the idea of exploiting Hitler ’ s artistic sensibility. Send back an artist, keep Hitler living the bohemian lifestyle. Bob Ross was the selected candidate, because the president liked how “ happy ” his paintings were. Bob would be picked up along the way, then transported to Vienna, 1905. 
 
 At the time, it seemed foolproof. Who didn ’ t love Bob Ross? The guy was the gentlest, most lovable painter, not a single ounce of artistic brooding to the man. If there was anything that could calm the Fuhrer ’ s soul, it would be those gentle streams, rolling hills, and happy little landscapes. All we had to do was shave that Jew-fro off and Bob would be good to go. 
 
 Of course, we miscalculated. See, when traveling in time, there are two types of history: soft and hard. The soft events are the changeable ones, the ones that can be altered. Usually, these are events based on luck, or chance, or a succession of happenings. Remove one piece, and the whole structure falls. Presidencies and elections were soft – it only took one scandal to topple one of those. 
 
 Now, the hard events are the ones that are set in the timelines, that can ’ t be changed no matter how much you meddled. These are the ones based on more than whims, the ones based on deeply set beliefs, solid determination or stubbornness. You could use the Tessellate to stop a war or prevent a presidency, but good luck stopping a fat kid from giving up candy or a soccer mom from thinking her kid was special. 
 
 I suppose we were biased. You see, we made all of our political decisions based on polling numbers, public approval, bribes, and random guessing. We figured it would be the same for Hitler too. Maybe a polling firm found high public disapproval of the Jews, or maybe the gas oven industry had a really good lobby. We didn ’ t know, but it was Bob Ross! It seemed goddamned foolproof! 
 
 You see, it turns out that Hitler just really hated the Jews. Like, a lot. That ’ s why he was killing them all, it turns out. Strange, really, since we only ever killed people based on political benefit, or accessing oil, or suppressing sex scandals, but Adolph had a real passion for it. 
 
 So that was a hard event: Hitler was always going to try to kill Jewish people. The soft event – and this is where we really screwed up – was Hitler ’ s image. You see, Hitler was a pretty unlikable man. He was harsh, abrasive, had that ugly little mustache. He really killed that many people, the first time around, despite himself. In fact, the last thing anyone would want would be for Hitler to be just a little bit more likable. And we sent back Bob Ross! 
 
 Looking over the Tessellate records, its clear things went wrong right from the beginning of the timeline. Once Bob Ross met up with Adolph, he set about exerting his lovable influence on him. Teaching him how to paint sweet German landscapes with soothing woodlands and small critters, bringing his abrasive speaking style down to a softer tone, convincing him to grow a non-weird, full-figured mustache. With time, Hitler traded the inflammatory speeches for soft-spoken painting demonstrations of his genocidal visions. 
 
 The paintings were a hit. Looking at those happy little vistas of Third Reich-controlled nations, you couldn ’ t image a Hitler-controlled globe would be anything other than truly splendid. It was a softer, gentler genocide, and it gave Hitler the marketing angle he desperately needed. Bob Ross had turned Hitler into the Steve Jobs of genocide. 
 
 Its two months until election time, and the president has us all on lockdown, the Tessellate records sealed, our missile defense system on alert after the latest threat from the United Nations of Germany. We ’ re considering another major revision. This time, sending back the Robot Infantry. Or sending some homicidal maniac to Vienna. Although the president has suggested just releasing the Tessellate records. Even with the nation being bombed coast-to-coast, people really like those cute, little paintings of smiling nukes and luscious bomb-ravaged wastelands. It might raise our polling numbers with some key demographics. 

