[ WP ] A respected actor is watching the world premiere of a remake of his finest film . It 's terrible .

`` Mr. DiCaprio! What did you think of the film??'' Leo trotted slowly down the holographic red carpet, a placid smile pasted on his face as he posed for an endless stream of photographs. He waved to a few of the friendlier outlets -- *BuzzFeed Quarterly*, MSNBTMZ -- and counted the moments until he could reach his autolimo. Reporters bombarded his with the same question over and over, and Leo knew he'd have to answer soon, but his brain refused to cooperate. *If you do n't have anything nice to say, * the voice of his mother repeated over and over in his head, *do n't say anything at all. * If only it were that easy. 
 
 A few steps beyond him, Jaden Smith was engaged in an animated conversation with a reporter from *National Review*. Leo decided that it was now or never, and leaving without giving an answer would be effectively snubbing the movie. Plus it would be scandalous to leave without speaking to Jaden; *Johns Hopkins Public Health & Celebrity Gossip Monthly* would eat them alive. 
 
 `` And so I said,'I know they're extinct, but let's have my character be attacked by a polar bear'.'' Jaden smiled at the reporter and continued. `` Of course, no one was expecting it, so a lot of the audience were stunned by my artistic vision.'' 
 
 `` Oh, we were definitely stunned,'' Leo interjected as Jaden began whispering into his iTwitter watch. `` I mean, seeing my character from 2016's *The Revenant* being attacked by a bear on screen was one thing, but seeing Jaden attacked in 2046 playing Gilbert Grape? Unexpected.'' 
 
 `` And you'll also note,'' Jaden continued, `` that as director, I included a lot of shots of people eating grapes, because it's a metaphor. You know, because the film's called *What's Eating Gilbert Grape? *.'' 
 
 `` Well Mr. DiCaprio,'' the reporter asked, `` how did you like the movie?'' Leo's smile never faded. It was an old habit by now, smiling despite his inner rage. A part of him wanted to smash Jaden over the head with the reporter's holocam and explain in great detail everything that he'd done wrong. But instead he smiled his usual smile. 
 
 `` Well, I ca n't recall a time when I'd had that much fun watching a seven-hour film.'' Which was true, saying as he'd never done it before. `` And I thought Jaden brought a lot of charisma and heart as a director.'' Also true. Jaden was a terrible actor and a worse director, but he was sincere and a genuinely nice person ( which had nothing to do with the film, of course ). `` It certainly, I think, stepped out of the shadow of my version.'' Which, of course, was code for: *your movie was shit because the first one actually got it right, and if it ai n't broke, do n't fix it! * `` So yeah, it was a unique experience seeing a new take on my work.'' As long as you used a broad definition of *unique*.... `` I ca n't wait to hear what people are saying about it,'' Leo concluded, meaning *I will take great pleasure in reading the scathing reviews*. Leo shook hands with Jaden and finally made it to his autolimo. 
 
 `` Siri, take me to the hotel. And check my messages.'' He sighed, collapsing with exhaustion onto his seat. 
 
 `` Certainly Mr. DiCaprio,'' the soft voice replied as the driverless limo drove into the night. `` How was your evening, sir?'' 
 
 `` Terrible. Why do I allow this to happen to myself? This was worse than Larry the Cable Guy's version of *The Wolf of Wall Street*. At least that was animated!'' 
 
 `` Speaking of remakes, Mr. DiCaprio: Shia LaBeouf and Michael Bay called twice about a modernized version of *The Aviator*.'' Leo paused for a moment. 
 
 `` How much are they offering?'' he asked.
