[ WP ] When you die , you do n't go to the afterlife of you 're religion , you go to the afterlife of the religion whose tenets you followed most closely , knowingly or not .

`` What?! NononoNO!'' Ronald cried. 
 
 He had once again crossed the desert to find himself in a familiar place. A beautiful oasis bracketed by beautiful trees and vines offering cool shade from the warmth of the sun that never burned the skin. 
 
 An old man in a light grey robe who probably had never heard the word'shave' held out his arms after a brief struggle to free them from his endless beard. 
 
 `` Greetings weary traveller and welcome to the gardens of serenity'' he began as he always did, 
 
 `` Why am I back here again! Do you know what I've done!?'' Ronald demanded. 
 
 `` Oh... Do I know you?..'' The greeter asked, 
 
 `` Yes it's me! again! I demand to be sent to Valhalla immediately this has gone beyond a joke'' 
 
 `` It does n't work like that'' the greeter intoned, mimicking Ronald's previous disposition as a teacher, `` you must have worked to reduce suffering or aided others in their search for peace or something, unfortunately you ARE a good person Mr Saveloy'' 
 
 `` I did nothing of the sort'' Ronald snapped `` three brand new ISIS recruits and about half a dozen mujahedeen using only a breadknife before dying in an explosion, I filled ALL the criteria for a glorious last stand'' 
 
 The greeter pulled a tome from under his expansive facial hair and opened it to pore over the minute handwriting whilst exhaling. `` It did take a lot of patience to *sharpen* that breadknife...'' He mused, `` and helping others achieve their desired end... PLUS making a positive impact on the world. Are you sure you're trying?'' 
 
 `` Yes!'' Ronald exploded, I mean technically that was n't the last time I died, after that one I followed the terrorists all the way to their paradise before Allah himself cast me to hell for the pork and alcohol I consumed.'' 
 
 `` Oh my...'' Gasped the greeter `` was it bad?'' 
 
 `` I ended up straight back here!'' Ronald wailed as he fell to his knees. `` There must be something I can do to end this! I do n't want to wait another 20 years after reincarnation to join the military and die in a hole, Not again!'' 
 
 `` Again?'' The greeter inquired, `` How many times have you done this?'' He asked as he shuffled through the pages, finally arriving at large yellow bookmark `` I might be able to revisit a previous case. 1918, the sommes... You apparently carried injured men from a lost trench?'' 
 
 `` Yeah a few, they were in the way and I wanted to retake the trench'' 
 
 `` 12 of them though? Never mind, 1944, you landed during D-day... Bagpipes?'' 
 
 `` And a sword, and bow. Dont forget the bow...'' 
 
 `` Well musical art is quite valued here...'' 
 
 `` It sounds like a cat being murdered!'' 
 
 The greeter sighed `` let's keep looking... Ah! Vietnam. I ca n't see a reason why you came here after that...'' 
 
 `` Gave a cigarette to a dying man...'' 
 
 `` Seriously? Okay well we'll... Hang on a moment'' 
 
 The greeter paused to address the queue forming up behind Ronald `` please be patient! You'll have to get used to it here sooner or later! Now Ronald... I'm going to do a favour favour for the both of us...'' 
 
 Ronalds eyes widened expectantly as the greeter tore out the most recent page. 
 
 `` I'm going to drop my book, and maybe I'll forget where you went. The exit is behind you in that thorn bush... Sorry but we do have to stop people wandering in, anyway you'll appear unharmed in the middle of your crater, there's a corrupt warlord standing over you whom you can fight for your last stand. I've accidentally removed your last death so you should n't come back here, just do n't do anything nice okay?'' 
 
 Ronald smiled and bowed before making his way through the surprisingly patient crowd before finding the spiky weed in a corner. He kneeled down and reached out to it to search for a secret hole and succeeded only in stinging his hand. 
 
 `` Fuck!'' He shouted and jumped up... Knocking down a large man in a military uniform. 
 
 He caught himself before he apologised, he could n't do anything nice... He leapt onto this man, the breadknife still in his hand as he struck. The blade much duller than he remembered. Stroke by stroke he cut away this man's life even as the bullets his men fired cut into them. At last neither of their hearts beat and he felt the pleasant release of his physical body. Through his incorporeal ears he heard the soft click as the Pegasus steed of a Valkyrie arrived to take his to a paradise of feasting, drinking and fighting... 
 
 OH NO... NOT YOU AGAIN...
