[ WP ] You 've been finding a lot of loose change in your couch lately . It turns out it 's the tiny speaking spider paying rent .

As I lay sprawled out on the sofa, perspiring in nothing but a pair of moist boxer shorts, I was far from a pleasant sight but it was summer in Britain and the temperature was peaking to record heights. I'd already had two cold showers, drank several glasses of chilled water, and had two fans blowing warm dry air on me but none of it was having an effect. That's when I heard it, the most delicate tune ever played by angels... It was the ice cream van coming into my street. 
 
 Pumped, I dived from the couch, grabbed some shorts and a vest, grabbed my converse, and hunted down my wallet. I found it in a moment and excitingly opened it just to have my dreams dashed. An old condom, my drivers license, my bank card, and a bus ticket from last week. Broken, but determined, I hunted around the house for change, anything for that sweet glorious vanilla cream. 
 
 I checked everywhere, in the cupboards, draws, pockets and coats but everything came back nil. Money was n't going as far anymore, thanks Brexit. I was ruined, about to give up and crash on the couch, once more back to my cesspit. Collapsing against it, I heard a faintest sound of something metallic hitting the floor. Looking down, there it was, the perfect £2 coin, glorious as always. I immediately grabbed it and dashed to the door before it was too late. 
 
 I returned, a stronger man from the expedition with renewed vigor in tackling this heat. I walked back to my sofa and collapsed into the corner, happily sinking into dessert heaven. 
 
 `` Oh boy, if I knew that's what you was getting, I'd of given you money for one'' 
 
 `` Yeah, it's pretty fucking good in this heat'' I smirked, laughing to myself; then the penny dropped. Was I going mad? Was the heat really effecting me this badly? Was I going delusional? 
 
 `` Aww man, I'm jealous. Nice to see you finally put some clothes on. Would n't kill you to shower again though, you're kind of creating a stink'' 
 
 I looked around, that voice sounded more real than anything else. I scanned the room with no success. I turned to look behind me and as I did, I saw a spider sat on the backrest of the sofa. 
 
 `` What the fuck?'' 
 
 `` Hey, what's up? You do n't look too well Jonny'' 
 
 `` You... You're talking?'' 
 
 `` Well yeah, I'm sorry if my pronunciations are a bit off. English is so hard, especially with your annoying Manchester accent'' 
 
 `` But you're a spider... How?'' 
 
 `` Alright, try not to be too racist here mate, I know you're a bit xenophobic towards spiders but you know, try and be professional here. I do n't want to report you to housing services'' 
 
 `` I'm not racist, I wanted to remain in the EU... besides, it's not that i'm xenophobic, your kind just, well, scare me'' 
 
 `` Oh, my kind? Come on dude, I'm right here. If you're gon na be like that, just do n't do it to my face. At least I pay rent unlike that filthy sponging moth in the wardrobe'' 
 
 `` There's a moth in my wardrobe?'' 
 
 `` Yeah, he's a pretty mean guy as well, been selling lint and cotton to the ants outside. Poor guys ca n't get enough of the stuff'' 
 
 `` Damn, I'll need to have words with him... Wait, rent? Landlord? What you on about?'' 
 
 `` Your advert on Craigslist about 12 weeks back. You was looking for a housemate with immediate effect so I headed over here and settled in. I thought you knew since you was taking my rent'' 
 
 `` Wait, your rent?'' 
 
 `` Yeah, I've been leaving money for you. I just push it out into the cushions, onto the floor, sometimes leave it where I know you'll find it like the cupboard and the draws. I'm not a freeloader like that damn moth, no Sir. By the way, when you talk to him, do n't drop my name yeah?'' 
 
 `` Yeah, do n't worry about it... I guess. Want me to just like, squish him?'' 
 
 `` WOW DUDE! NO! I do n't want you to kill him, just you know, sort it out'' 
 
 `` I can let him out I guess?'' 
 
 `` Yeah, that would work, try doing it during the day, he's usually up all night making noise, it's quite distracting'' 
 
 `` Ok sure, i'll sort that out right away...'' 
 
 `` Well, best eat that icecream first and like I said, would n't kill you to shower again'' 
 
 `` Yeah I guess... Cheers bro'' 
 
 `` Please, call me Spider Bro'' 
 
 `` I'm not calling you that'' 
 
 `` You'll start calling me that... Anyway, going seeing my friend Bee in the garden, catch you later dude''
