[ WP ] A game among aliens is to conquer other planets using the laws of that planet . Earth is their next target , but what they do n't realize is that our bureaucracy is a mess .

`` War crimes!'' shouted Cesar off to my left. `` War crimes are the answer to this!'' 
 
 I rolled my eyes. It was the fifth time since our arrival and decanting that Cesar had proclaimed victory over the planet Earth. The fifth. It would only be a second before Amelia -- 
 
 `` *Wo n't work. *'' Amelia said pointedly. `` Nobody pays any attention to the Hague. Anyone important enough to make the call still wo n't be powerful enough to drag in a leader of a standing country. If we're going to topple a nation so we can take it over from within, you have to do better than war crimes!'' 
 
 `` Amelia, shush.'' I hissed. `` We're in a library. You saw how these people acted at the last one. You're being too loud.'' 
 
 Amelia rolled her eyes. Well, her host's eyes. The real Amelia did n't have eyes, she was a wad of cellulose with segmented legs, filled with firefly-like neurons, and coiled up inside the body's skull. Her normal appearance and personality left something to be desired, but I would choose no other Archivist for our Divide & Conquer team. We met in the local equivalent to college and formed the dream partnership that got us into the galactic championships. 
 
 Cesar on the other hand was new. I'm not even sure what he studied or how he passed the entry requirements, but we were assigned Cesar at the same time we were assigned Earth. I figured it was my fault after offending the judges at the last match. They did n't appreciate that our team passed advanced technologies to a species to encourage a rabid failure of their ecosystem, so that we could repossess it the world under Galactic Endangerment law. I was also starting to wonder if Cesar was part of our punishment. 
 
 I dragged a hand back through my body's hair and affected a sigh to keep up appearances. `` Alright, we only have five Earth years to pull this off and the clock is ticking. We need better ideas than what we've had so far.'' 
 
 Cesar sat back in his chair. He was already totally comfortable with his body, it was roughly human-shaped normally and he smelled bad. He fit right in on Earth. `` I have read your histories, both of you, and you play dirty. But I'm not sure that's going to work here.'' 
 
 Amelia hissed at Cesar. `` And why is that? We've been crushing our matches for a hundred years. What makes this place so different?'' 
 
 `` They're crazy.'' I said. `` I do n't want to agree with Cesar, but he's right.'' 
 
 Cesar stared at me. `` I'm happy you agree, but why would n't you want to? If I'm right, I'm right.'' 
 
 Amelia smirked. `` It might be because your presence is offensive.'' 
 
 `` Children? Really?'' I asked, and both looked away. `` What do we have access to?'' 
 
 `` The world court at this... United Nations.'' Amelia offered, waving her hand at a pile of political science books. `` I do n't think anyone takes it seriously. Even if we undermined it, it does n't appear this global organization really has the pull to do anything. They just... shame countries they do n't like, and hope that making them feel bad will achieve something.'' 
 
 I rolled my eyes; outside two, inside six. `` That tactic did n't work on Vorhesa, either. Although it was fun watching the competition try.'' 
 
 `` What happened on Vorhesa?'' Cesar asked. 
 
 `` Daycare.'' Amelia snorted. `` It turned out the species sent their elderly politicians to this massive international organization to argue about their feelings and opinions. Turned out that it had no pull, it was daycare. For senescence.'' 
 
 I nodded. `` We took Vorhesa by undermining the legitimacy of the education system, filling the media with fake information, and fomenting internal struggle. They were in a state of early capitalism, so when panic started we offered to buy all of the land. All of it. We owned the planet in a year due to that panic.'' 
 
 Amelia sighed wistfully. `` That was a good match.'' 
 
 `` But what about Earth?'' I asked. `` We're here now. Could we run that propaganda treatment here?'' 
 
 Cesar shook his head. `` Too late. They've done that to themselves. None of them trust each other, they do n't trust their governments, and even their smallest communities stare at each other with suspicion. They still divide themselves by shallow external characteristics and when all else fails, fall back on aesthetics. It's a total shit show. Their media is a circus.'' 
 
 I tapped my pen on my notebook, looking out over the law library and down at the stacks on the table. When we first arrived, we thought the chaos of the planet would make it an easy match. But we had n't even found our opponents yet. They were nowhere to be seen, and on the coin flip, they had first-landing advantage. They could be anywhere, and yet... Nothing. Not even an attempt on our lives yet. That was totally unnatural. 
 
 `` The world is also a mess.'' Amelia added. `` The environment is collapsing due to over-consumption, the population is breeding out of control, they have warring ideologies that get in the way of agreeing on... anything. It's a mess. A total mess.'' 
 
 I stared at my notebook again. I had in my own readings discovered some possibilities, but I was hesitant to suggest them. It was too insane and too overt. It would make us total targets, but it presented a possible endgame that would be faster than any we had tried before. 
 
 `` What if we go around the bureaucracy? Popular uprisings, that sort of thing?'' I asked. `` We've never done a match by attrition. I do n't think our opponents would see that coming.'' 
 
 Cesar's eyes widened. `` That's insane. We'd end up dead. The first one to go is the demagogues after the populist's take power. Even the history here agrees on that. Have you read about this Lenin guy? His own friend murdered him. His friend.'' 
 
 Amelia shrugged. `` It's worth a try. What do you have in mind?'' 
 
 I flipped open the notebook and looked deep into the nauseating mess of notes I had there. They presented the absolute worst case scenario plan I had ever devised, and it broke both of my hearts to even consider it. I tapped my pen against the book. 
 
 `` I...'' 
 
 `` Out with it!'' Amelia scowled. `` Or I'm going to take your notes and read them myself.'' 
 
 I scowled back at her. `` Alright, I've been reading about a global organization that may or may not exist, but an overwhelming number of humans believe does. It's called the Illuminati, and they assume this group is pulling threads from behind the scenes. That this secretive cabal is twisting and turning every world event to their own whim, dancing everyone on puppet strings.'' 
 
 Amelia shook her head and sat back, eyes narrowing. `` And?'' 
 
 `` What if we built it? This Illuminati thing?'' 
 
 Cesar shook his head as well, rolling it around on his neck. `` Never work. They're so skeptical they do n't even listen to their skeptics, that wo n't work.'' His second set of eyelids nictated, 
 
 `` I do n't know about that... They're primed for it.'' I scratched my head with the pen. `` The legends are all in place, better than if we set it up ourselves. There is already a messiah in place and everything. All we would have to do is offer up a perfect proof, totally manufactured, and they would eat it up.'' 
 
 Amelia and Cesar shared a look, then back at me. Amelia spoke up first. `` What do you have in mind?'' 
 
 `` We would need someone to act as our Emissary, to confirm the Messiah's beliefs, and bring about the uprisings.'' 
 
 `` And?'' Cesar asked. His eyes shifted left and right to make sure nobody was watching, only for his long tongue to curl out and lick his eyes. I had to admit, they looked pretty dry. The air in the law library was like breathing razors. 
 
 ``... I want you to be the Emissary, Cesar.'' 
 
 `` What?'' Amelia howled, then nervously lowered her voice. `` We barely know this guy and you want him to do it? He does n't have the training for this.'' 
 
 Cesar looked unsure, but he stayed quiet. 
 
 `` The Messiah will make up for it. I'm sure of it. He is so ignorant, so self-blinded, he will believe anything if it confirms his longstanding thoughts. Total hubris. He'll burn himself alive for an audience, too, just for the ratings. He's perfect. Plus, he has a thing.'' 
 
 Amelia smirked. `` What thing?'' 
 
 `` He's one of those people who believe that lizard people run everything.'' I added, pointedly looking at Cesar. `` If a lizard person approached him, he'd gobble it right up. I have all the research done. I know everything about the Messiah.'' 
 
 `` Oh.'' Amelia said, shuddering. `` I see what you mean. And with Cesar being Urantian...'' 
 
 `` Uh-huh.'' 
 
 Cesar sighed. `` Specists. If we're going to do this, I guess let's just do it. Who is this Messiah? Who am I taking my skin off for? It's embarrassing, but if it'll win us the match, I'll do it. That's why we're here, right?'' 
 
 I nodded and folded over the first page of my notebook. The words were oil on my tongue, revolting from the time I spent reviewing the research. I had spent hundreds of hours listening to the potential Messiah, just in case, and it all bubbled back up in the form of acid around the stones of my crop, leaving my chest tight. It was stressful just thinking about it. 
 
 `` The Messiah and future ruler of Earth is a man named Alex Jones.''
