[ WP ] The universe conspires to make you late for work everyday . Your boss gives you one last chance . This time you 're ready ...

“ Robertson! So help me if you are late one more time, I am going to fire your ass and you will be out on that street corner panhandling for nickels. You got that! ” 
 
 *Sigh* “ Yes sir…. ” 
 
 “ Be in my office at 8AM sharp! If you are not in my office by 8 AM, you ’ re out of here, you got that Robertson! ” 
 
 “ Got it, sir… ” 
 
 My name is Jack Robertson, and I have been late to work everyday for the past two weeks. My boss, Mr. Peterson, says that I have gone from number one salesman to worst performing employee during that time. I think he may be embellishing a little, but I understand the frustration. I would be pissed off at one of my employees too from hearing all of these different excuses. 
 
 It started off small. There was a power outage in the middle of the night, and the alarm on my digital clock on my nightstand didn ’ t go off because of it. I slept in a little bit, and despite my best efforts I was about 10 minutes late. Like I said, nothing big, just an unfortunate coincidence. 
 
 Then things started to get strange, like I was being sabotaged. Things like the carafe of the coffee maker exploding while I was pouring my morning cup. It was like a supernatural incident since the spilled coffee defied the laws of gravity. Every single drop of coffee landed on me and my clothes. There was no trace of coffee anywhere else in the kitchen, it had all washed over me. I was forced to take another shower and wear my casual Friday clothes into the office on a Wednesday. 
 
 Another day, the Mailman “ accidently ” left his mail carrying cart directly behind my car, in such a way that I could not see it in any of my mirrors as I was backing out of my drive way. I hit it, and the mailman made sure I didn ’ t leave until the cops arrived and charged me with “ tampering with the mail ” and “ obstructing the duties of a government postal carrier. ” 
 
 The strangest thing that happened thus far was just this morning. I opened my front door to head to my car in the driveway, and a woman was waiting for me. She was drop dead gorgeous, and oddly familiar. She tackled me through the door way, and knocked me onto my back. I was laying there, face up in my living room. As I was gazing into her eyes, it hit me. This woman, in my living room, was Miss Philippines, the one that was crowned Miss Universe after the whole Steve Harvey fiasco. What the hell was going on? 
 
 She leaned in close, whispering into my ear, “ I can commune with the Universe because of my title, and it says that I need to make sure you don ’ t get to work on time again. ” 
 
 “ What is going on? Who put you up to this? Don ’ t you have better things to do with that title then make me late for work, like promote world peace or something? ” 
 
 “ I can ’ t question the universe, I can only carry out the orders that are given to me. Making you late to work is in the will of the universe.'' We sat there for a few minutes, and it was a very awkward few minutes. Any time I tried to say something, she would just shush me and put her finger to my lips. `` The universe has spoken to me again, and it has said that you have been delayed long enough, you may now go. Have a great day at work. ” 
 
 “ That ’ s it?! I don ’ t even get anything like a kiss from you or anything? You just tackle me and leave while I get nothing?! ” 
 
 “ I have fulfilled my duty, have a great day Jack. ” It almost sounded like she was in a trance from that last statement. And she knew my name too. I watched her walk out my front door, and I just stared trying to figure out what was going on. 
 
 And so, here we are, the boss gives me one more opportunity to not be late. I think I am lucky to have that, considering my excuse this morning was “ I ’ m sorry sir, Miss Universe tackled me to the ground because a force larger than both of our imaginations combined told her to. ” I am against the universe, which is why I have decided to take drastic measures. My original plan was to set up a cot in Mr. Petersons office, but he started locking his personal office in the middle of the night. I did the next best thing, and set up a cot in my cubicle for the night, how can I be late if I am here all night? 
 
 -- -- -- -- -- -- -- - 
 
 The next morning, Jack didn ’ t make it into Mr. Petersons office at 8 AM sharp. The thing that started this whole mess in the first place, his alarm failing to go off in the morning, happened again. The battery on his cell phone, which was acting as his alarm, died sometime in the middle of the night… He was found asleep in his cube, and was quickly fired and escorted out of the building. Even if he did make it on time to Mr. Peterson ’ s office, he would have been fired. Out of his desperation to not be late, he made a costly oversight in judgement. Apparently it is against company policy to sleep in your cube at night, something about being a liability issue. You win this time universe, you win this time. 

