[ WP ] Each morning , every human on Earth must pray their Reasons for not dying that day to the God of Death . If the Reasons are sufficient , that person will go on living , potentially forever . However , you are the longest living human by far , and people now hunt you in order to hear your Reasons .

I woke up with my arms tied behind my back and my body restrained to an old, rickety wooden chair. The smell of wet moss penetrated my nostrils. 
 
 `` Hey, Vince! He's waking up!'' 
 
 Kidnapped again. It was becoming less of a nuisance and more of a minor inconvenience these past few years. 
 
 `` What the hell do you two idiots want?'' I said. 
 
 A fire crackled in the background. Our shadows danced against the walls. We were in... a cave? A bit dramatic, if you ask me. 
 
 `` Dave, tell us your Reasons. We know how old you are, we know all about-'' 
 
 `` 460 years old. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know how old I am. I've been through this whole spiel more more times than years you've been alive. You think you're the first ones? Ha.'' 
 
 `` Punch him Vinnie,'' Vince said. Vinnie connected his fist with my left eye. It hurt, but only a little more than last time I had gotten punched there. Why are punches the always first resort? They'd probably get more mileage pulling molars or pouring acid on my my face. 
 
 `` Vince and Vinnie. Is this a joke? Am I on the set of some shitty Italian mobster movie?'' I quipped. I gathered up some mucus and with a strong `` ptui'' I launched the coagulated, pale yellow ball into Vince's eye. He reeled back in pain, furiously trying to wipe the goop away. 
 
 Vinnie was livid. 
 
 `` If you do n't tell us what your morning prayers are to that prick Death, we'll just leave you here. No one knows this cave exists. No one except us. No one will hear you scream and you'll just be alive down here forever. The rats will naw at your toes and you'll scream, but you wo n't be able to die. Unless, of course, you choose to. How's that sound?'' 
 
 Vinnie was smiling, and he seemed so full of himself. I almost burst out into laughter. 
 
 `` You really want to know my Reasons?'' 
 
 Vince stopped his eye rubbing. The key to immortality was far more important than his vision. 
 
 `` I do n't have any Reasons. I have n't prayed for over 400 years. I wake up every afternoon at half past two so I miss morning prayer. That's my secret!'' 
 
 And then Vinnie punched me again, in the right eye this time. 
 
 `` This was a waste of time. Let's just leave him here,'' Vince told Vinnie. 
 
 I laughed. `` I did n't want to have to do this, but here we go.'' 
 
 This was a rare occasion. If I did n't call on Death himself, I would actually just be trapped in this cave forever. 
 
 `` Death!'' I screamed. `` Come down here right now or I'll off myself right now! I swear I'll do it!'' 
 
 `` The fuck are you doing?'' Vince asked impatiently. 
 
 `` Death! I know you're listening you asshole, come down here or I'll bite my tongue off and just die right here!'' 
 
 There was a deafening snapping sound and blinding light. The next thing we saw was a pale skinned figure with wet brown hair, donning a white robe and flip flops. The word `` Death'' was emblazoned in gold on the left chest pocket of his robe. What a narcissist. 
 
 `` Jesus Christ, Dave, what do you want?'' the figure asked. 
 
 `` Well I'm kind of trapped here, could you let me out?'' 
 
 Death snapped and the ropes fell loose. `` You interrupted my shower for this? Damn it, Dave, this is why I sent you back, you annoying piece of shit.'' 
 
 Death turned to Vince and Vinnie. `` What are you two looking at?'' 
 
 After a moment of shock, Vince responded. `` Why the hell does Dave get special treatment? Every morning we pray to you not to kill us, because no one will feed our wives and kids. Some days we do n't even feel like living anymore, but who's gon na take care of the family? Yet, Dave does n't even go to morning prayer and you come to save him?'' 
 
 Death laughed dryly, `` Dave died a long time ago. He's the only one I ever sent back to the land of the living. A mere hour of being with him and I wanted to Kurt Cobain myself. But I ca n't, because I'm the motherfucking god of death.'' 
 
 `` If you're a god, why did n't you just send him away? To the depths of the underworld? All-powerful my ass.'' Vince asked. 
 
 `` Why? Because my fucking niece fell in love with him! It was a match made in hell. And the wedding, oh man, do n't even get me started on the wedding! You know, my sister's still mad for sending Dave back, even after 400 fucking years!'' 
 
 Death was oozing with frustration just remembering about our wedding, and I was relishing in it. 
 
 Finally, Vince had enough and burst out in fury. `` You know, I do n't know why we pray to you. You're not a god! You're just some fat fuck in a robe! Fuck y-'' 
 
 And before Vince finished, God snapped and both my kidnappers dropped dead. 
 
 `` Thanks, Death,'' I said, grinning tauntingly. 
 
 Death cracked a sarcastic smile back. 
 
 `` Fuck you, Dave.'' 
 
 Death's bare foot connected with my groin, and before I knew it, I was writhing on the damp cavern floor, clutching my manhood. 
 
 And with another deafening snap, he was gone.
