[ WP ] Jane has gotten really fat and Tarzan needs to tell her he 's leaving her for a hot young chimpanzee

“ Honey, I ’ m hoo-OO-oo-OO-oo-OO-oo-OO-ooooooome. 
 
 Jane? Is that a cream cake? What the fu… Jane where did you get that? There isn ’ t a bakery around here for five hundred miles. And where on earth did you get the cream for it? I mean I have NEVER seen a cow. NEVER. And you have cream. On a cake. 
 
 I ’ m not judging you. I ’ m not. I ’ m not even angry. 
 
 What does that even mean? ‘ Thin privilege is asking you where you got that cake ’. It ’ s a reasonable question. This isn ’ t normal. I just spent the day out foraging berries and shoots to bring them home for us. I ’ m on my hands and knees for hours on end. I ’ m supposed to be the king of the jungle and i ’ m scrubbing around in the dirt. You know I got in another pow-wow with Kerchak today over foraging spots. Did you know that? I ’ m out busting my ass to bring you this food and this is what I come home to. 
 
 What do you mean? There ’ s plenty of research. You ’ re risking a shorter, sicker life. And it ’ s bloody dangerous enough out there as it is. Not three days ago I stubbed my toe on a rock. I let out a yelp and the next thing i know Sabor is right there. RIGHT THERE. She thought I ’ d hurt myself and she was there to finish me off. I have to be on my guard ALL THE TIME just to stay alive. And you ’ re just lah-de-dah inviting extra risk into your life. You ’ d better be thankful Sabor didn ’ t follow me in here, cos I can run out that door if I need to. What are you going to do? 
 
 Look, all I ’ m saying is I ’ m trying to work hard to provid….. DON ’ T YOU SAY HER NAME. BONOBETTE HAS NOTHING GOT TO DO WITH THIS. You know she helped me today. She helped me collect food for you and she didn ’ t ask anything in return. 
 
 Oh don ’ t bullshit me. You were never going to eat it anyway. Turning your nose up at leafy greens is about all the exercise you get these days. 
 
 What text messages? What are you talking about? I don ’ t know anything about any text messages. In the sand down by the beach? How did you see those? You ’ re spying on me now, is that it? Who told you about those? The water washes them away every day so I know you didn ’ t see it yourself. 
 
 WELL KERCHACK WOULD WANT TO SHUT HIS MOUTH IF HE KNOWS WHAT ’ S GOOD FOR HIM. And so what if I ’ m sending a few text messages to Bonobette? At least she responds to them. That ’ s more than you ’ ve done in months! Anyway there ’ s NOTHING going on between us. 
 
 Don ’ t you take that tone with me. I may be a “ dirty savage ” but I am still the Earl of Greystoke and you would do well to afford me some respect. 
 
 It doesn ’ t matter that I ’ ve never been there. It doesn ’ t matter. I ’ ll go there when I ’ m good and ready. I can ’ t same the same about you. 
 
 Not I ’ m not disinviting you. Is that even a word? To be disinvited you have to be invited in the first place and I don ’ t see an RSVP from you anywhere. We ’ re traditional around here. I expect an RSVP. 
 
 Well, exactly, now you ’ re catching on. You can RSVP when you get your invite. Just keep this up and you ’ ll see when that happens. Maybe Kerchack will bring it in the mail to you since he seems to be bringing you everything else. Look, I ’ m done with this. I ’ m going out for a while. 
 
 YEAH MAYBE I WILL SEE HER. SO WHAT? 
 
 What? Yeah I mean she ’ s not a… she ’ s not a traditional looker, as one might describe a looker. But she ’ s athletic, outdoorsy and she loves my jokes. Hell, you ’ re not so much of a looker yourself any more. You ’ re less Salma Hayeck and more Salma Haystack… 
 
 YES I KNOW THAT ONE GOT AWAY FROM ME… You ’ re less Jessica Alba and more Jessica Albatross… You ’ re less Shakira and more Sha-cake-ra… 
 
 OH WHATEVER. I ’ M OUT OF HERE. You know I could leave the door open on my way out. Sabor would be RIGHT IN HERE. And after you she wouldn ’ t need to bother me for about six months. So just think about that as I CLOSE AND LOCK the door behind me. 
 
 I ’ ll be at Bonobette ’ s. And if the palm tree is a-rockin don ’ t come a-knockin ’. 
 
 Oh, and tell Kerchack that he ’ d better ker-check himself before I ker-wreck him. 
 
 Oh my god, I am SO sick of you''
