[ WP ] You meet a serial killer . His next target is you and the only way to dissuade him is to persuade him why he is the worst serial killer .

As he lifts the gun to plant it against my temple, my phone rings. It's that annoying tone, the marimba one you get on iPhones, and it clearly pisses the guy off. 
 
 `` For fuck's sake, can you shut that thing up?'' He takes the gun from my head and brandishes it, like that'd somehow threaten me more than a bullet in my skull. 
 
 I fish the phone out of my pocket with my right hand, reflecting on how the idiot actually forgot to even tie my hands together. No blindfold, no handcuffs, no gag, nothing. Wow. He's really doing great so far. 
 
 I snag the phone and lift it to my ear. 
 
 `` Hello?'' 
 
 `` Oh, hey, honey,'' *Oh, great, it's my mom. * I mouth a question to the killer, asking if I can take it, and he just nods angrily. 
 
 `` What's going on, mom? I'm a little busy. This guy's threatening me with a gun, but you can just tell he's the worst. Has no idea what he's doing. For a serial killer, he certainly does n't seem like a guy who can take a life.'' 
 
 The man hefts the gun and points it at my skull again. 
 
 `` I'm going to count to three,'' he growls, `` before I pull this trigger and splatter your brains all over that wall.'' 
 
 I nod, and cover the mouthpiece of the phone. `` Listen, guy, you're doing a great job and all, but I do n't actually think you're going to do that.'' *back to the phone* `` Hey, listen, mom, can I call you back? It's gon na be fine. Do n't panic, I can handle this.'' 
 
 I look up at him after I put the phone away. `` Hey, bud, listen, I know you're trying really hard to keep up this whole charade of killing me or whatever, but I do n't really think you can do it.'' 
 
 The man takes the gun away from my head, again, and waves it around as he starts his monologue. 
 
 `` The world is falling apart, bitch. It's crumbling from the top down, and I'm the only one who realizes it. And you know who's chipping away at society? You know who the problem is? It's people! Every single person that just waddles around like a dumb little penguin, never realizing that they're why the world is gon na collapse at any time. And I'm the only one who sees that. Which leaves it to me to take care of all these fucking sheep like you, like your mom, like every little son of a bitch that's crawling in the mud. I need to --'' 
 
 I wave my hand. `` Now let me interrupt you right there. Do you really think that a monologue about how you're going to save society by *murdering me* is actually going to make me want you to kill me? Haha, if you think that then you're the sheep. You're that stupid little penguin. Listen. I know that you're trying really hard, but if you were actually good at your job, I would already be dead. Not only did you forget to tie me up, you let me call my mom, and now instead of shooting me after the call, you're just babbling? That's not how a good serial killer works. `` 
 
 He looks down. I guess I actually got to him. Did n't really see that coming. 
 
 `` You're right, you're right. I just want people to know what I'm trying to do, but I guess that's just getting in the way of actually sending the message. Well, I'll leave you to it, then.'' 
 
 He starts walking away. Whoa, man, I just talked a serial killer out of killing me. Guess I can scratch that off my bucket list now. After I add it, of course. 
 
 Suddenly, there's a sharp crack. Was that a gunshot? 
 
 I do n't have very long to ponder where the sound came from when everything goes black. 
 
 I guess I did n't actually convince him. 

