[ WP ] A wife suspects her husband is having an affair and hires a PI . The PI finds something unexpected .

`` Listen sweetheart, if ya husband is foolin' around, I'll find out,'' I say as I take long haul off of cigarette. `` If he even so much as pops a stare boner lookin' in the window of a yoga studio, I'll find out.'' 
 
 `` Will you be discreet?'' A young housewife asks. 
 
 `` You bet your god damn ass I will or my name is n't Devious Deke, the best motherfuckin' PI in this state,'' I say as I slam a shot of Maker's Mark. 
 
 As I get up from the kitchen table I flick my smoke aimlessly. 
 
 `` Hey! This is my house.'' Said the housewife. `` My kids eat right there.'' 
 
 I did n't respond. Had about a hundred zingers locked and loaded. But if being a PI has taught me anything it's save the mouthing off until after the check clears. Once I get mine I tell it like it is, and baby, it's bad to the bone. 
 
 `` Look at this idiot'', I say to myself as I stay 2 cars behind a Ford Flex driven by my mark. `` How does guy driving a Ford Flex possibly get to bang 2 different chicks?'' 
 
 I pull out a fresh cigarette and light it off of my already burning cigarette. 
 
 `` What a piece of shit.'' I say as the Ford makes a 34 point parking job. I see the man I'm supposed to follow get out, he's dressed in slacks and dress shirt. The slacks are a smart look. Sophisticated, but not too pompous. Betting those slacks pulled in the strange he's plowing his wiener into. 
 
 He enters an apartment building and using my killer eye sight see he sticks a key in the door, after checking apartment 7's mailbox. 
 
 `` Ya done fucked up now boy'', i laugh as I pull out my spying camera. My spying camera has a lense on it the size of a 4 year old. Huge. Salesman said I could get a picture of the moon with this bad boy. He had taken a few photos of his bare bum and saved it to my memory card before boxing it up. Real strange. 
 
 I talk my way into the apartment building. It was easy. Saw some lame teenager struggling to open the door with an arm full of books, so when she finally got the door open I held it for her. Once I had my in I slapped the books out of her hand. It was pretty hilarious. 
 
 I run up to apartment 7, ready to roll. Had my camera round my neck, and my Magnum in my hand in case of trouble. No need to knock when your packing a hog like I am. I kick the door clear off it's casing. 
 
 `` Freeze motherfucker!'' 
 
 I take about a hundred photos. Dude was n't pounding a rando. It was worse. His wife will agree. This is the worst site I've ever seen, and baby, I've dropped acid before sitting through a 8 hour conference on the ethics of being a PI. 
 
 The man stood there. Wearing JNCO's, had a bandana wrapped around his head, with faux dreadlocks, a hatchet man hockey jersey, and the base of white make up. He's like 45. 
 
 `` Bro.'' I say with absolute disgust. 
 
 `` Please do n't tell my wife. I promised her I got out of this life. She'll leave me.'' 
 
 `` I do n't blame her man, look at yourself,'' there is a huge bottle of cherry Faygo on the table. `` You make me sick!'' 
 
 I begin to leave, getting my phone out to call his wife. 
 
 `` Wait! I'll do anything!'' 
 
 `` Go fly a kite kemosabe, this dick finishes the job.'' 
 
 `` I'll give you $ 5000!'' 
 
 `` So what we need to do is call a hooker, get her up here, you do the nasty with her, and I'll send the photos to your wife,'' I suggest. `` Sound good?'' 
 
 `` No that does n't sound good!'' He yells. 
 
 `` Then what the fuck else are we gon na do?'' 
 
 `` Call the hooker,'' he says defeated. 
 
 I dial one of the ladies of the night I know well. Not professionally. I'm a PI, I am practically drowning in trim. She used to work at the liquor store where I used to bounce checks for cheap Rye. 
 
 `` Sassy Tits? Yeah it's your boy, I got a real loser here that need to flop around in ya? You know?'' 
 
 I hang up the phone. 
 
 `` She's on her way,'' I say, `` and she costs another $ 5000.'' 
 
 The man sighs. 
 
 `` And change your fuckin' clothes, you look like an asshole.'' 
 
 My original mark and the hooker did the nasty all right. Some downright Devious shit. Had to hold back a few barfs, but it was all good. Took some prime photos and texted them to his wife. 
 
 Guy told me later when he found me getting hammered at the Olive Garden that his wife was super steamed about the explicit photos and that I did n't need to include so many. He's now getting divorced and said he's going to take on the ICP look full time. To avoid making anymore conversation with this guy I excused myself to the restroom to take a viciously Juicy steamer at the Olive Garden. It's ok, because at Olive Garden, we're family!
