[ WP ] You look into your fridge and realize everything in it has the same expiration date

March 23, 2015. I hold the bottle of ketchup up to my face to ensure something hadn ’ t started growing inside. I had a history of suspicious tasting ketchup and I no longer trusted the labels to tell me true state of my condiments. Assessing that the ketchup was not yet moldy, I move onto the mayonnaise; March 23, 2015. I feel my eyebrows knit together in confusion as I pick up the ketchup bottle and look at the date. There it is – March 23, 2015. It figures that both the mayonnaise and ketchup will expire on the same day. 
 
 Moving on, I pick up the milk; March 23, 2015. Now that has to be a misprint. Milk barely lasts two weeks much less three months. Grabbing the bread, and the eggs from the fridge I realize that March 23, 2015 is printed on those as well. I feel a panic start to rise in my chest. Breathing in and out slowly, I know there has to be an explanation. I open the food cabinet and read the expiration label on those as well; March 23, 2015. Reading further down the label, I realize there is a phone number printed at the bottom – the same one on all of the labels. 1-887-232-8444. 
 
 Frantically, I pull out my cellphone and dial the number. After the second ring a cheerful woman picks up the phone. “ Hello, expiration department, how may I assist you? ” 
 
 “ Hi, ” I breathe into the phone and clear my throat. “ Hi, um, there seems to be something strange with the labels on my food. They all say they don ’ t expire until March 23, 2015. ” 
 
 “ Ma ’ am I ’ m so glad you called us. You ’ re one of the few who actually reads these things. ” I hear the sound of a pop, and a quick snap of chewing gum. “ We ’ d like to assist you with anything we can. The expiration isn ’ t for your food, it is for you. ” 
 
 “ For me? ” I repeat back dumbly. 
 
 “ Yes ma ’ am. Can you give me your full name, I ’ ll look you up in the system. ” I rattle off my name to her. “ Alright, yes I see you here. You are receiving your four month notice today. It looks like your expiration is set for March 23, 2015 by way of brain aneurysm. Is this a convenient time for you, or would you like to reschedule your expiration for another time? ” 
 
 A laugh escapes me. This can not be happening to me. “ I ’ m sorry, I ’ m afraid I ’ m confused. You ’ re telling me that I ’ m going to die on March 23, 2015 from a brain aneurysm? How exactly would you know that? ” 
 
 “ Ma ’ am we ’ re just here to help you. We always strive for satisfied customers. We ’ re here to help you settle down before your expiration. ” 
 
 “ Is this a threat? How am I supposed to take your seriously? ” 
 
 “ Don ’ t worry ma ’ am, like I said before you can choose to push back your expiration a few months or a year if you ’ d like. It will only cost a small fee. ” 
 
 Thinking about how much money I have in my account, I wonder how large of a fee she was talking. “ How much is the fee? ” 
 
 A tinkling laugh comes from the receiver. “ It ’ s not a monetary fee, ma ’ am. It is a pain fee. If you choose to push your expiration back, we will have to increase the pain associated with your death. The next slot we have available is October 23, 2015 by way of car crash. ” 
 
 “ And what if I wanted to push it further back? ” 
 
 “ Well, we have April 16, 2016 by way of decapitation, would that suit you better? ” 
 
 Blinking rapidly, I process this new information. Would four months be enough to settle my life before I died? Would it be worth the pain of a car crash or, I shudder, decapitation? “ On second thought, let ’ s go with the brain aneurysm. ” 
 
 “ Excellent choice. I have you confirmed for March 23, 2015. Would you like a one month reminder? ” 
 
 Looking back to the box of cereal in my hand that now states an expiration date of December 14, 2014, I sigh. “ No thanks. I ’ ll be fine. ” 

