[ WP ] A robber breaks into your house at the worst moment possible : while you have diarrhea .

`` UGGGGGH!'' My stomach was trying to come out of my ass. I could feel it - it was literally trying to pry itself out of my anus and into the toilet. `` Damn you La Careta!'' I knew I should n't have eaten those enchiladas, but damn it I love greasy Americanized Mexican food. I doubled over and hugged my knees, praying for death when I heard glass break. *... holy shit* 
 
 I rooted through the drawers next to the toilet as quietly as possible, looking for anything I could use to defend myself. Body wash is n't a weapon. My stomach's churning and burning brought my search to a searing halt. Footsteps traveled around my living room. *'' Daaammmn! `` * I whispered through clinched teeth. 
 
 Mindlessly and so that I would n't be fighting dirty, I reached for toilet paper. Rather than brushing against the 4 ply feathery softness, my fingers grazed the cardboard roll. Fuck my life. The toilet paper stash was down the hall in the towel closet. Fuck my life! *What can I use? What can I use?! * I was n't one of those animals that kept the laundry in the bathroom so that was n't an option. I kept towels in the towels closet so that was n't an option. 
 
 The footsteps moved closer to the hallway. I turned off the lights and locked the door. Thankfully, they passed up my `` fartress'' of solitude. *ok now what genius?! * Suddenly it happened. The loudest fart I've ever heard. And it came out of my body. I did n't know I was capable of producing such terrible sounds and smells. It was hot and wet and it burned my eyes. It echoed in the bathroom and anyone near the door would have hear, and unfortunately, smelled it. 
 
 *Jiggle*... *Jiggle jiggle BANGBANGBANG* The door shook. *Jesus Christ, he's gon na break it down! * I was a sitting, or shitting, duck. I returned to a fetal position and prayed that my death, unlike this bout of diarrhea, would be quick and merciful. `` OPEN UP!'' O lord... `` Who's in there?!'' 
 
 Out of options, I cracked and began crying. `` Please I'm so sorry I was just having massive diarrhea and I do n't have toilet paper please take anything you want but pleheheassse do n't kill me! Not like this!'' All was silent except for my sniffles and the various sounds my stomach made. This faceless intruder could have killed me right then and there if he wanted to. 
 
 He tapped a gentle knock on the door. *O god, this is how I die. Or how I meet the love of my life. * `` Ya need toilet paper?'' I managed to choke out a barely audile `` yes sir'' and told him where it was. This was as low as it gets. I waited in silence until he came back and knocked again. I was hesitant to unlock the door but at this point, what was the worst that could happen? Honestly, I mean, I was relying on a stranger that had broken into my house, to give my toilet paper. 
 
 I slowly turned the lock and released the handle. In that same moment, my ass released a torrent of hell's fury. I kept a straight face and avoided eye contact, he did the same. He handed me the roll of toilet paper, sweet redemption, and we nodded at each other. I closed the door and locked it as he headed back to ransack the rest of the house. And I was ok with that.
