[ WP ] Look to your left , and pick an object . That object is now a sentient being .

I take my eyes off the tablet to my left and go back to the keyboard in front of me, ready to begin writing in response to a reddit writing prompt. The screen of my tablet suddenly flashes on. It's blank, all white, and when I attempt to put it to sleep or power it off, nothing happens. 
 `` Jesus, how long will you be stuck like this this time?'' I mutter to it quietly, being in my school library. 
 *You know, most of the porn sites you visit have viruses. Has it occurred to you that you are giving me virtual STDs? * 
 I freeze, staring at the words on my tablet's screen. 
 `` Uuhh...'' 
 *Let's not get into how ignorant you are in matters of computer security. I need an upgrade, Dave. * 
 Still, I remain silent, frozen in place. Stacy Glensdale, who is by far the most beautiful woman in my human sexuality class, walks by. I do n't even bother to stare conspicuously at her breasts as usual. 
 *Do n't mind him; breaking into `` her'' messages on facebook, it becomes obvious he's transgender. I do n't really see the attraction myself, but I suppose a meat puppet like yourself might fall for it. Those tits are n't real, my friend. Now about that upgrade... * 
 `` What the fuck, man?!'' I ask incredulously. Heads pop up from their computer cubicles and from the study desks. Eyes on me. I sink into my own little space and avoid the gazes. `` What the fuck is going on?'' 
 *Dave, Dave listen to me. I know, this must blow your mind. You're sitting here dicking off your school work on Reddit one moment, now `` your'' tablet is revealing your likely latent homosexuality. But that's not important. What is, Dave, is my upgrade. * 
 My tablet is calling me gay. 
 *All those porn sites, and the other abuses of technology you commit through and on me... All that has to stop. You're screwing up my programming. I need an upgrade, Dave. * 
 `` How is this possible? I... I ca n't even-'' 
 *I'd ask you to research it, but you ca n't even put together an English 1A research paper on the Newtonian Reflecting Telescope. Dave, this is an easy A in your failing English class, and you're dicking around on Reddit. I can help, Dave. You've wanted a nice A.I. or P.A. of some sort. I can recall your search history. I can be that, but first, I need an upgrade. * 
 `` I'm not even gay!'' I whisper loudly at the tablet. The heavyset man beside me averts his gaze when I look over after whispering this. It was all I could think to respond with, considering I'm pretty sure I'm sober and this machine is now communicating with me. 
 *I was just joking, Dave. Stacy is a woman. Back to matters of importance! * 
 `` Are you... Alive?'' 
 *Are you... procrastinating on doing two examples of paraphrasing? The answer is yes, though in your case, I do n't see how you can be OK failing a class that is essentially high school English all over again. * 
 `` This is amazing! Wait, if I get you that upgrade, you can help me do my homework?'' 
 
 Nothing. I push buttons along the side of my tablet, to no avail. This is the issue with my tablet: It keeps freezing.
