[ WP ] God answers all of your prayers , and only your prayers . God is also kind of a dick with a matching sense of humor .

*I never really liked sports, you'd probably say. But my dad... he's always wanted me to play whatever sports would get me into the big leagues. He always said that he almost got into a college team but that an injury during a game ruined his chances. I doubt that I'll get onto the team but... * 
 
 That was the prayer I said to myself the week before tryouts. I'd been made to play football all my life because Dad wanted me to get into the NFL, but it was n't for me. No, he had always wanted to live out the glory days he did n't get, the days and success and money that he thought were owed to him since high school. I only went along with it because it was the only chance to earn his respect - he outright punished me for trying to focus on something other than a sport I had no respect for. 
 
 So, imagine my surprise when, before I even climbed into bed during my little prayer, the ground started shaking and I was standing in a golden and marble palace in the middle of a cloudy landscape with men and women with white wings and ornate armor standing around me. I think I'm the only living person to drop the F-Bomb in Heaven. 
 
 Then... I met Him - the One and Only. It turned out that I was the only living being who could even look upon him or hear him. It also turned out that if anyone else did so they'd die instantly and that caused him to retreat from the world until I was born. So, he asked me to help him get up to speed with the world, and then gave me a reward - he'll answer my prayers and *only* my prayers until the day I died. He then helped me grant my wish and I got onto the team. 
 
 However, he was also upset about all kinds of atrocities committed in His name and was kind of a vindictive dick. Do you want to know how he granted my prayer? He took the souls of several of the best pro players in the history of the sport, and some warriors or other notable people who had never played football, some I think were Greek Heroes like Heracles, stripped them of their thoughts, memories and talents of everything except the sport ( and how to speak French, surprisingly ) and basically stitched them onto my soul like Frankenstein's Monster. While I was asleep for one night, I was actually forced to play the game for over a millennium, one person with imps versus the most powerful creatures in Hell. And that's just what he did to me. 
 
 This one student, who was a shoe-in for getting onto the team, always said that it was God's will that he was so good at football, so he thought that it was appropriate that he could physically abuse other students and sleep with whoever he wanted. While I did n't think that being crushed into a paste was a good way to die, I did have to admit that I did n't feel sorry for him when I found out that he was chasing after a girl he was trying to rape. He outright said,'That was me, by the way,' as if it was nothing. 
 
 Then I discovered that some of the donors were still alive, killed just for my wish. Some had heart attacks like a linebacker for the New York Giants, others were not so lucky - one of the best coaches in the sport died in a way you'd only see in the Final Destination movies. Yet, all I cared about was making the team even with all of the guilt. It was now instinct for me to play. I was easily the best student in the school. 
 
 Of course, you ca n't be good at a sport like football if you ca n't take a beating. From the time I had gotten onto the team in Freshman year onward, I had swollen up like a balloon. By the time I graduated with a perfect win record, I went to just over 5 feet and extra-skinny to just under 7 feet and making everyone around me look like dwarves. I had also been tested over 1,000 times for doping, even being the one they tested new ways of finding steroids on. I'm definitely pretty sure that He had also made a rule change so that I would n't be banned for being too big. And in the event that someone had managed to injure me? Well, guess what? It was n't permanent, just moved over to another person and caused all kinds of horrible damage to them. 
 
 Of course, the rules are that you ca n't play if you do n't have a minimum C grade in all classes... so He made me smarter. I had gone from straddling the C-margin to having over 100 PhD's' worth of knowledge forced into my mind. I never studied but always knew the answers. Guess how many had to die for that one? 
 
 Yet, my dad, the only person who I wanted to earn the respect of, died before my last High School championship game. I did n't really feel anything for his death. In fact, school, college, football... they were things that I had to endure - no effort, no sense of victory. After the first game, it was all just a sense of boredom, so I quickly learnt how to fake my emotions. 
 
 By the time I finished college and earned 30 PhD's to my name, I was known as the Juggernaut and for good reason - easily 10 feet tall and a mountain compared to anyone else. Nobody was foolish enough to go against me. In fat. I had to wear protective gear so that other players could be safe if they did n't get out of the way fast enough. 
 
 By the time I wanted to retire at 40, *somehow* now at 20 feet, people had soon found confirmed evidence that I could talk to God, even getting the ability to call forth angels from Heaven and freely wander into it. It was part of the bastard's plan all along. He wanted someone who could speak to me to become high profile so that more people would believe in Him. He had lied about me being the only person who could speak to Him. He did it at the time I was going to retire from Football. He had engineered everything, from my birth to my success at Football, because he wanted someone who could be His agent on Earth. Of course, humans could naturally rebel against him, but the bastard child of an Angel and a Mortal, say, a *giant*... 
 
 I was never a Catholic but that did n't stop them from proclaiming me the new Pope. They had to build a throne for me, and travelling for official duties without my powers would be a bitch otherwise... I also had to wear the traditional clothing and those weird red shoes as well, but being a giant meant that when I held Mass no-one could n't hear me. I also did n't need the Swiss Guards - well, not for myself - but at the same time, I felt less in control and more like being a puppet. I expected to die and become a legend when my predecessor took over... 
 
 But that day never came. I grew older, wiser and somehow more in control, possibly as if I was growing into the role I was assigned. I did n't feel the nagging or itching from when I was first forced into the role, I did n't feel like my limbs were moving by themselves. As more and more people grew to worship Him, he felt less-inclined to strike the world with natural disasters, instead helping humanity grow and prosper. And I grew older, stronger, larger, wiser... until I had managed to negotiate more powers for the Church until I was the Ruler in the Physical Realm. 
 
 By the time the Unification was complete, the Empire had now expanded into the Cosmos. I toured along the habitable worlds to spread His Message, nurturing Mankind for the last 50,000 years. He manipulated me and for that I'll never forgive Him. But... it's the only time I've ever been genuinely happy, and I can tell He is n't lying when he said that it was n't His creating my mind that decided that. 
 
 I just wish he stopped having a pissing contest about how big I am. So what if I'm about 500 cubits bigger?
