[ WP ] Write the letter that you always wanted to , but never did .

[ NSFW. ] 
 
 [ No seriously. Do n't read this if descriptions of rape or consensual sex with transpeople offend you. You've been warned. ] 
 
 [ But it's not just about sex, I promise. And it's true. ] 
 
 Hey, LGTBQ community, it's me, the one you rejected. 
 
 We had some good times. I remember when I first kissed you. You were a transman, really muscular and smart, and I thought there was no way you'd go for me. But you did. You got me into kink, too, and I discovered what it was like to be a submissive, to be owned by someone else. I remember the first time we had sex, my hands cuffed behind me, your silicone cock sliding down my throat. You took my breath away both literally and figuratively. I loved you. For a little while, you were my world. 
 
 And you taught me a lot. I remember when I got drunk with you one night. As it always did back then, being drunk reminded me of that party, a long time ago, when I got really drunk and a girl had sex with me. I do n't remember anything, but when I woke up naked the next morning all my friends were high-fiving me. They told me I had lost my virginity. You were the first ones to tell me it was rape, and you were right. I got help, and I'm doing a lot better. I do n't drink much any more, but when I do it's in moderation, and I do n't spend my tipsy time thinking about being raped. And that's in no small part because of you. 
 
 And you were there for me through some tough times. When I came out to my parents. I had tried to explain to them what a transperson was, but they did n't get it. They tried to be supportive but it's hard to be supportive when your son's going to hell. 
 
 But it seems like sometime, maybe a year ago, something changed. Maybe the social climate changed, or maybe the problems were there all along and I just started noticing them. The people who left when I came into a party because, `` I did n't know cis-men were going to be here,'' or, `` Let's move somewhere without male gaze.'' Literally just me walking into a room of people I've never met before, no interaction. 
 
 I remember the time someone told me I could n't know what it was like to be raped, and then when I told them I had been raped, they said, `` Well, it's not as bad for guys when you get raped. It does n't go inside you.'' It's still inside me. 
 
 I remember when someone was talking about rape and said it was about cis-men wanting power over other genders. And here I am, a cis-man who wants nothing more than to be dominated by a gentle transman, and I brought up that maybe rape is more complicated than gender and that sometimes women rape cis-men too. You said, `` That's a distraction.'' 
 
 I could have brought up then that I was raped by a woman, but I did n't want to tell you that. I did n't think I should have to share my private experiences for my voice to be heard. I did n't know what to say, so I just apologized. I said, `` I'm sorry.'' I'm sorry the worst thing that ever happened to me distracts from your uncomplicated narrative. Apparently complicated is okay when you're talking about your gender, but it's not okay when we're talking about the gender of rapists and rape victims. 
 
 Someone told me I can be an ally, and pointed me to a website where I can learn to help teach other cis-men not to rape. Great. I came out to my parents so I could be a tolerated outsider, and have my role in the community defined for me. 
 
 The only reason I'm still talking to you is that you're my best option. Straight girls and gay guys are nice but then they want to have sex with me, which is okay, but kind of dissatisfying. If I talk to straight guys about this stuff, I either get polite highly sanitized, careful, and political answers, or they're absolutely batshit and believe women should be raped. My family and ( ex- ) church believe that women ca n't get pregnant from rape because their bodies would reject the baby. So there's really nobody I can talk to except you, and you're a mixed bag. 
 
 So often it's just better, like tonight, to sit at home and not talk to you or anyone. To just try to not hurt for a night. To go on Reddit and avoid TheRedPill and TwoXChromosomes and try to distract myself with cat pictures or maybe some stories on WritingPrompts. 
 
 Because I'm tired of being the one in the middle who actually has to live out the results of the national debate you're creating. And since I'm tired, I have to rest up, because tomorrow I'm going to go try again, to get on Fetlife and OKCupid and meet the dominant transperson who gets me. Because even though I'm afraid of how you will see me and treat me, I'm more afraid of failing and dying alone. 
 
 And the thing is, this is all really disappointing because sometimes you really are good. The best members of the LGBTQ community are brave, thoughtful, creative, kind people. People that I can talk to. People I could fall in love with, date, maybe start a family. I imagine the joy of obeying my dom, of doing the laundry and dishes, of killing spiders if they wanted me to, or letting them kill the spiders if they wanted to, of learning to tango as follow instead of lead, of discovering the million ideas and wonders that you discovered in your own independent life, and decide to share with me. And I really hope we can do that instead of you rejecting me because someone else who looks like me hurt you. 
 
 [ Final note. When I talk to the LGTBQ community in this post, I'm talking to a lot of people. Some of the people I'm referring to here, especially at the beginning, are really awesome people, who never did anything wrong to me. ]
