[ WP ] `` If it turns green you 're dead - blue , dead . Red ? Dead . '' `` Sir ... it 's turned purple . ''

“ Attennnnn…shun! ” 
 
 The men all quickly snapped their feet together in proper, instinctual fashion. Major Cartwright waited for the silence to slowly lay itself upon the still scene, then stepped forward to address his troops. 
 
 “ Right, as you were, men. ” The soldiers all relaxed in place ever so slightly, remaining on the edge of anticipation for some as-of-yet unforeseen order. The Major was not without his peculiarities, especially whilst on parade. 
 
 “ Sergeant Powell? ” 
 
 “ SUH! ” came the sharp reply, as the Sergeant snapped immediately to attention, stepping off in confident strides and carried forth a small grey box, which he placed in front of the Major. Sergeant Powell shot his hand quickly upwards to offer a courteous salute, which the Major heartily returned. His task complete, Sergeant Powell turned about swiftly yet properly, and marched back to his place off to the side of the formation. 
 
 Major Cartwright allowed for a moment of pause, letting the continued silence to lend gravity to the seriousness of the situation. After what he felt to be an appropriate delay, he turned to address the gathered men. 
 
 “ Men, ” he spoke, his voice forceful with the weight of his rank and position, “ I have gathered you here on this dreary morning… ” 
 
 “ Afternoon, sir ” came a voice from the formation. 
 
 “ What ’ s that now, Jackson? ” 
 
 “ It ’ s afternoon, sir. ” 
 
 “ I was told that I would be addressing you men this morning. ” The Major shot a quick glare towards Sergeant Powell. The Sergeant cautiously cleared his throat, and then respectfully explained. 
 
 “ Indeed, sir, ” Sergeant Powell said, “ But if you ’ ll recall, your driver was late this morning, which held up your morning Orders with the Colonel, sir. ” 
 
 “ Ah yes, ” admitted Major Cartwright. “ Well, I ’ ve already memorized what I wanted to say, and I ’ m bloody well not going to try and change it now. You men just understand that when I say morning, I of course mean this afternoon, understood? ” 
 
 “ Yes sir ” came the unanimous reply. 
 
 “ Right, good. As I was saying, I have gathered you here on this dreary morning… ” 
 
 “ It ’ s actually quite sunny out, sir. ” 
 
 “ Yes, Roberts, I can see that, but as I ’ ve said, I have already memorized the speech. Just understand that even though it ’ s not dreary out by the grace of God, I will still be saying it is dreary out, but just know in your own mind that it in fact is not. Is that clear? ’ 
 
 “ Yes sir ” the soldier replied. 
 
 “ Is that clear with everyone? ” 
 
 “ Yes sir ” the soldiers answered. 
 
 “ Good. Okay then, I have gathered you all here… ” 
 
 “ Some of the lads aren ’ t here yet, sir. ” 
 
 “ What? How ’ s that now, Williams? ” 
 
 “ Some of the lads are at the Kit, getting sorted out. ” 
 
 The Major shook his head in defiance. 
 
 “ That ’ s no matter, ” he hastily admonished, “ Just all of you hear me out, and pass the information on to them. Everyone understand? ” 
 
 “ Yes sir ” the men responded. 
 
 “ Fine. All right, I ’ ve gathered you here on this dreary morning, to explain to you the purpose and function of this black box in front of me… ” 
 
 “ Box is grey, sir. ” 
 
 “ What? ” Major Cartwright tilted his head ever so slightly, just enough to look at the box, while maintaining his place of authority in front of the assembled soldiers. “ Ah yes, so it is, Baker. Good catch, that. But so you all understand, it was meant to be black, so if I describe it as such, just know that I am in fact speaking of the grey box in front of me here, and not some other black box, not presently here in front of me, where the grey box, in fact, is. Clear? ” 
 
 “ Yes sir ” the men answered. 
 
 “ Excellent. Now, I ’ ve gathered you here on this dreary morning, to explain to you the purpose and function of this black box in front of me. It will signal an alarm in the event of a nuclear, biological, or chemical attack. The various lamps on top will indicate the type and severity of the attack. Any questions thus far? ” 
 
 “ Is it heavy, sir? ” 
 
 “ What? I…it doesn ’ t matter, Kingsmith, you won ’ t be carrying it. Now listen up. In the event of any such attack, you must look to see which of the 5 lamps… ” 
 
 “ 4, sir. ” 
 
 “ Ah, yes, thank you Sergeant…which of the 4 lamps is illuminated. The Green indicates a nuclear attack, the blue indicates a biological attack, the red indicates a chemical attack… ” 
 
 “ The red label says ‘ Comical ’, sir ” 
 
 “ Yes, Patterson, I am aware. It is merely a typographical error. Ignore the red label, and simply know that the red lamp indicates a chemical attack. Understood? ” 
 
 “ Yes sir ” the men replied. 
 
 “ Good. Now when I press the test button, it will show the illuminating of the lamps, so that you understand what you will be looking for in the event of a real attack. Watch as I demonstrate this now. ” 
 
 Major Cartwright pressed the solitary button. 
 
 “ Now men, as you can see, the lights illuminate, indicating that you are under the specified type of attack. ” 
 
 “ Then what, sir ” 
 
 “ I beg your pardon, Waters? ” 
 
 “ What do we do when one of the lights goes off, sir? ” 
 
 The Major shifted uneasily, struggling to maintain his dignity. 
 
 “ Well, as we are not a forward line unit, we will not be provided with the required equipment for dealing with any of the aforementioned attacks. So, I suppose, you will simply die. ” 
 
 The men all looked at each other with uncertainty. 
 
 “ It really doesn ’ t matter much. Look… ” the Major once again pressed the lone button, activating the test sequence once more. ” See. If it turns green you're dead - blue, dead. Red? Dead.'' 
 
 `` Sir... it's turned purple.'' 
 
 The Major let out a defeated sigh. He looked at his men, and made up his mind that far too much effort had already been expended on this particular subject. 
 
 “ Alright, men. That will be enough for now. Sergeant Powell, they ’ re all yours. ” Major Cartwright turned and headed off past the left of the formation. “ I have more urgent things to attend to this morning… ” 
 
 “ Afternoon, sir. ” 
 
 The Major spun quickly on his heel, never missing a step, and instead strode back past the men, off to the right. 
 
 “ Right you are. Carry on. ” 

