[ WP ] : Santa accidentally triggers a nuclear war .

Kindness can be dangerous. 
 
 Tensions were running high between the United States and USSR. The Cuban Missile Crisis this October had everyone on the edge of their seats, foreheads in their hands, fingers crossed that we would n't be incinerated instantaneously whenever the Soviets decided they've had enough of us. 
 
 Of course they would n't. They knew it would be suicide. Whoever pressed the button first would be responsible for reducing our only planet to a radiation-infested dirt ball and humans would be a distant memory. 
 
 But they were getting desperate. Russian citizens were forced to work in the coal mines to power all their industry, namely the one they used for war. Their population had dropped by a third in five years, they'd been exposed buying and selling illegal, black market arms from the Middle East. Those who did n't wish to die from black lung picked up arms. Their entire nation was rabid. It was just a matter of time before they had nothing to lose and when that day came... Let's just say the U.S. would n't be able to stop them potentially wiping us all out. 
 
 The gods of our fate are nothing but humans. 
 
 It was Christmas and keen not to let the future of our world rest in the hands of ruthless, merciless nation of raw power, we decided on a bit of an unorthodox plan. We could n't launch an offensive because the moment we pissed them off, they'd piss on our graves. We could n't just sit back and do nothing because we were just a few more bad days away from total annihilation. We needed a miracle. 
 
 I burst through the doors to the oval office. 
 
 `` Mr. President,'' I said. `` He's ready for you.'' 
 
 Watching President Kennedy, one leg crossed over the other, talking to Santa Claus while we all watched through a one way mirror was, to me, not the first thing I assumed I'd be doing when I took my position as Secretary of Defense. He was much more round than I'd assumed he would be. His only condition for meeting with the President was that we provided him with cookies and milk. 
 
 `` These are dire times, Mr. Claus,'' Kennedy began. 
 
 `` No, ho, ho, doubt, but I'm still unsure what you wish me to do about it.'' I put my knuckles to my lips and watched more closely. Santa was by far the slap-happiest man I'd ever met, a welcome change from the sea of paranoia I'd been living in. It was a miracle you could even see his rosy, cheeked smile behind that beard. 
 
 `` Mr. Claus, if there's one thing I want for Christmas, it's to give this great nation the opportunity to continue being great. However, our ambition is and continues to be shadowed by the threat of the Soviets. Will you help us?'' 
 
 Santa's charm suddenly ceased. He squinted and said, `` The So-ho-hoviets? They have n't been quite so jolly lately.'' 
 
 `` We were hoping you could change that Mr. Claus. Show those reds what Christmas cheer is all about. Give them a reason to be merciful.'' 
 
 Santa leaned back in his chair, making it squeak. He was n't jolly. He kind of looked sad. With some hesitation in his words, he told President Kennedy, `` You ca n't expect to be kind and have all your problems go-ho-ho away. Kindness is n't always the answer. Some people just are n't kind.'' 
 
 `` You're an icon, Mr. Claus. You're the face of joy. I believe that if anyone can melt the icy hearts of our communist adversaries, it's you and no one else.'' The look on Santa's face was somber. Clearly this plan was n't jingling his bells, but President Kennedy's words were always consistently inspiring, even for someone as globally recognized as Santa, so he downed his glass of milk, slammed it on the table and cheered, `` Let's show-ho-ho these people what Christmas is all about!'' 
 
 He was wearing red. We thought that would help at least a little bit. 
 
 It did n't. 
 
 The moment Santa Claus showed up on Soviet radar they launched a metric ton of missiles at his sleigh. We lost communication immediately. 
 
 And before his sleigh even hit the ground, they had sent a handful of nuclear warheads directed at our five most populated cities, retaliation they say for the air strike we attempted to attack them with. 
 
 Now the nukes are on their way, Santa is dead, and humanity is doomed. Not only that, but there was only room for the President, his family and the Vice president in the White House bunker. No room left for the Secretary of Defense. So much for a Christmas miracle. 
 
 Santa was an icon of joy and kindness, but he was right. Kindness is not always the answer. Kindness can get you killed. I'm not long for this world and I doubt this will ever survive the blasts, but in the case that it is discovered in the ruins of what once was, I plead to you this: Do not assume all people are operating with reason. Some are unreasonable. Some are dangerous. I mean, just look at the Cuban Missile crisis. We were intellectuals, leaders of nations and we came inches from ending the world. It took the kindest man on the planet to bring us to Armageddon. 
 
 I can already see the flashes outside. Godspeed to you all. 
 
 Oh, and Merry Christmas. 
 
 -Robert McNamara
