[ EU ] Hogwarts has a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher - Gregory House

`` Where is the teacher? He's already thirty minutes late!'' Hermione said, annoyed at the tardiness of their new teacher. 
 
 `` Who is this guy anyway?'' Harry asked Hermione, oblivious to the identity of their new defense against the dark arts teacher. 
 
 `` He's a huge name in the wizarding world Harry! How can you NOT know who he is? This is Gregory House! He personally took down several huge criminals before leaving to study the Muggle world.'' Ron said as the door flung open with a slam. 
 
 `` Hello class, I am your new defense against the Dark Arts teacher. My name is Gregory House, and if you have any questions then you are far too stupid to be in this class. My class will be taught unlike any other teacher at this school, because I will also be incorporating defense against muggle weaponry as well.'' A tall man said as he walked into the room, the tapping of the cane echoing through the classroom. 
 
 `` Who do you think you are coming late to your own class? And what kind of foolishness is this, learning about muggle weaponry?'' Malfoy shouted at Professor House, his face turning red. Without a word, Professor House stuck his hand into his pocket to produce a black rod that most of the students had never seen before. Most assumed that it was a wand of some sort, and watched as he aimed it at Malfoy. 
 
 `` Ladies and Gentlemen, please take a look at this young man! He is far too stupid to be in this class for the rest of this year, and luckily for you all, I will be answering his question of why we are learning Muggle weaponry this year as well.'' Professor House answered, flicking a small button on his wand. Initially, it seemed to have cast a Lumos spell, but after a minute Malfoy began vomiting on the floor, and collapsed. 
 `` Now can anyone answer me how I did that? You there, the pudgy kid trying to hide. How did I incapacitate that idiot without a spell?'' 
 
 `` I... Uhh... Think that you... Used a poison on him before class?'' Neville answered, stuttering in his answer. 
 
 `` Wrong on many levels you imbecile. I came to class thirty minutes late, a sizeable amount of time where I could n't touch him without everyone else seeing. I could n't have known that one particular student would talk back to me, and I used this fool as a demonstration BECAUSE he talked back to me. You with the brown hair in the front, what is the answer?'' 
 
 `` You used a flashlight with different wavelengths to stimulate different parts of his brain, causing nausea and for him to vomit.'' Hermione answered, confusing the entire class. 
 
 `` Correct! 10 points to whatever the hell you guys are. We are studying Muggle weaponry because it is far more efficient that magic because it has no need for someone to scream whatever spell they are using like an idiot, anyone can use it with training, and it has been refined through several wars that would make the wizarding world cower in fear. Anybody have any snide remarks like that other gentlemen, or shall we start?'' Professor House asked as he produced a small bottle and swallowed a pill. 
 
 `` Sir, how did you know I knew what that was?'' Hermione asked 
 
 `` You had several clues of being a Muggle born wizard. When I pulled the flashlight out, everybody in the class thought it was a wand and just watched. You on the other hand saw a flashlight, and looked extremely confused initially. The fact that you are in front means that you are a kissass, and a kissass will try to know as much as possible on their teacher. The past two decades I have been in the Muggle world working as a doctor, and you must have looked at my records and complaints to see what kind of person I am. This flashlight was the reason for one of those complaints, so I knew that you knew.'' Professor House answered, shocking every student in the room. 
 
 `` Now that I have everyone's attention, it is time to explain why I am here. I am looking for assistants to work with me in solving cases. Whomever that I deem worthy shall have the right to work with me. Whomever I consider to be morons shall be failed from my class. I have 3 spots open for this class of 30, so start choosing whether to kiss my ass, rise to the occasion, or avoid my wraith. Class is dismissed.'' Professor House said, opening his container and popping a pill into his mouth.
