[ WP ] The Earth is about to be destroyed by a galactic Empire . An alien historian asks you to give a brief history of humanity , the only record that will be kept of the species . However , you are only given 140 characters to do so .

Why me? Every time there's an end of the world threat, I get called to be humanity's copy writer. And the cheap bastards only want to pay by the word. Humanity's last epitaph. Fuck that, no-one's ever going to read it anyway. They want me to believe that it will be in some special encyclopedia that every alien will be able to access forever, but that's bullshit. Some galactic Apple corp will be selling comms devices without enough onboard storage for that, and whatever roleplays as the galactic ComCast will be limiting data plans so that no-one will ever waste the electrons or pay the data rates to read the last words of earth, Maybe it will be found, and reposted, buried deep in some comment thread in an EternalReddit message board where it will garner no upvotes, ever. 
 
 I'm not wasting the last days of my life on it this time. The last four times there were reprieves, but I'm not taking that chance. 
 
 With the collectivity of human, uh `` knowledge,'' at my finger tips.... every social media post ever made.... I plan to bash together the themes which have appeared most throughout the whole history of social media. This will be our last post. Ever. 
 
 It's not my best work, but it will have to do. Time to hit send and go get hammered with the rest of humanity. Fuck you galactic progress, enjoy your on-ramp. Here is humanity in 140 characters, have fun putting it in context, you heartless bastards. 
 
 *'' Neckbeard smiled, the cartoon tentacle dildo rammed the Coke bottle fleshlight, his mother made sandwiches, asking about the girl next door. `` *
