[ PI ] [ EU ] DEADPOOL has been drugged , abducted and dumped on a seemingly desolate planet ... ..it is the Predators training ground .

Mr. Wilson regained consciousness after what he assumed was Friday, his favorite day of debauchery. 
 
 `` Whew! Boy do I feel like shit, son!'' 
 
 Wade observed his surroundings after completely ignoring them for a few minutes of stretching. What might have been sheer horror struck him. 
 
 `` What lovely trees!'' 
 
 Wade began patting himself all over, searching for something. 
 
 `` Aww, crapcats! I lost my satchel. Guess I'll have to McGyver my way back home. Hmm. Which way is nor-.'' 
 
 A nearby rustling penetrated his eardrums. With robot-ninja-like reflexes he snatched a small critter from the nearby bush. 
 
 `` Room service! You must be breakf- What the fuck?'' 
 
 The creature had six legs, fur, three eyes, and what looked like an elephant trunk where its anus should be. 
 
 `` What has science done to you?!? You poor bunny.. rat.. anteater?'' 
 
 Wade broke its neck and tore off its flesh then consumed it for breakfast. He found one of his swords nearby. 
 
 `` Come, Ye, Excalibur!'' Wade thrust out his hand with no expectation, but pure childish hope that it might possibly fly into his hand. 
 
 `` You have to try every now and then, otherwise you might just miss out on something *truly* amazing,'' he grabbed his sword and made way towards nothing in particular. A few encounters with unfamiliar flora and fauna later, our little Deadpool began a thought. 
 
 `` You know Toto, I'm starting to think this ai n't Texas,'' he pronounced it'Tay-haas.' 
 
 Wade found a clearing before him, a chance to get his bearings. 
 
 `` Alright, all I have to do is watch which way the sun is moving and I can figure out which way is north!'' 
 
 He looked up, and took pause, deciding which of the two suns he should use. 
 
 `` Our glorious hero was far, faaaar from home,'' Deadpool said dryly, stealing my line. 
 
 Knowing that people do n't just suddenly wake up on different planets, Wade hastily pranced about the jungle searching for the spaceship that brought him here. Ah ha! He found a massive, like-insanely-huge, pile of skulls. 
 
 `` How ominous! Pray tell, why on.. this.. planet.. would such a decor choice be made?'' 
 
 A clicking sound echoed throughout the surrounding trees. 
 
 `` I'm sorry, your answer must be in the form of a question!'' Deadpool squeaked fearfully. 
 
 He began sniffing the air. It seemed like a good idea at the time. On guard, he clasped his sword tensely. Finally, he heard a voice other than his own. 
 
 `` Want some candy?'' said the child-like, disembodied, voice of Cthulhu-level terror. 
 
 Wade shit his pants. 
 
 `` No thanks! I ca n't have sugar in the morning. It makes me hyper.'' 
 
 Deadpool tore through the jungle with great cowardly haste and tears in his eyes. He was not fast enough. A blazing shot, of what he determined to be space jizz, exploded a large tree next to him. His first instinct was to launch his sword in a random direction. A maddening howl escaped the tree tops and what appeared to be a severed arm fell, striking the jungle floor. 
 
 `` Holy shit! I cut off God's arm!'' he displayed the clammy green arm to himself. 
 
 He was down a sword. He had to improvise now. Wade wielded the arm like nunchuks and began pacing slowly, creeping if you will, through the jungley arena. 
 
 Some time later, another howl pierces through to the heavens and the hells. Wade curls himself into a fetal position. 
 
 Five seconds later, Wade comes up with a strategy. Our Wade of the jungle begins swinging from tree to tree, vine from vine. 
 
 `` Ahhhaahhaahaaahhhaaaaaaa!!!'' is how his warcry went. 
 
 He noticed two small lights flicker in his peripheral. 
 
 `` What ho?'' 
 
 Another laser blast took out the vine from which he swung. 
 
 `` Geeerrrrooooniiimmooooooo!'' is how his surrender-cry went. 
 
 His body smashed into the ground and little farm animals pranced around his noggin'. Just then, another thud came from nearby. Deadpool slung himself into a battle ready position, his arm-chaku drawn. Displaying wonderful form and grace, Deadpool showboated the Predator's arm in front of him. Judging by the massive harpoon it unfurled, it did not appreciate that. 
 
 `` Whoa! Nice spear.'' 
 
 `` Ugly mother fucker,'' said the Predator in its freaky-ass, clicky, synthesized voice. 
 
 `` EEEk! Why do you talk like that!?'' Wade recoiled. 
 
 The Predator thrust his harpoon at Deadpool. He dodged the attack and countered with an ever-insulting back-handed bitch slap to the fiend with its own arm. They went at each other like two school yard boys. Suddenly, the Predator leaped backwards and hurled its harpoon into Deadpool's leg, pinning him. 
 
 `` AAAAOOOOuuuchh!'' 
 
 The Predator approached Deadpool menacingly, and removed his mask. Revealing his gorgeous dinner plate forehead and tooth-ed vagina mouth. 
 
 `` The face only a mother could love,'' Wade dry heaved. `` You know, I'm right there with ya buddy.'' 
 
 Wade took of his mask as well, showing off his tumorous visage. The Predator took a moment to honor the exchange, then it extended its wrist blades and cut Wade's head off. His body collapsed. 
 
 The one-armed Predator, exhausted and out of breath, calms itself. It picked up Wade's head and admired it for a moment. 
 
 `` I see I've grown on you!'' the head spoke. 
 
 The Predator freaked out and dropped the head as Deadpool's body unpinned itself from the harpoon and thrust it into the Predator from behind. Green, luminescent blood spewed out. Its eyes widen with shock. As the one-armed Predator lay defeated and dying it watched as Deadpool's body picked up his head and reattached it at an alarming rate. The look of wonder solidified in the intergalactic huntsman's lifeless face. 
 
 `` Sorry, Compadre. I'm the universe's greatest sore loser.'' 
 
 Deadpool slipped his mask back on and pondered how the fuck he was going to get off the planet now.
