[ WP ] We finally get men on Mars and they discover an old Soviet flag placed down decades ago . The Soviets won the space race but for whatever horrifying reason did n't say anything .

Petrov looked about him as the dust of the newly formed crater fell around him. It had worked, Yuri's tracktor and Gurri's rope and given him enough velocity to git to mars. Petrov had nothing but a track suit and pack of cigurrets. Petrov whiped out his pole and planted his flag. mars belonged to him now. Teim for celeration. Petrov pulled out the vodka to take a jolly swing. 
 
 Much to his dismay the vodak began to fully evaporate in the absence of an atmosphere. The bottle was DEAD. 
 
 What an inhumane and godless world. Petrov looked down at his addidas track suit. Petrov was 90 % alchohol himself and the only reason he had endured was because a true slav just shacks things off. But how could a man live here? 
 
 he could not 
 
 Petrov squated is second to last squat, and took the power of his legs and rocketed up. Even in the lower gravity of space this would not get him home. But in his mind he had a single thought. If he could not live in mars then no one would. His jump had put him into a near perfect orbit, but it was decaying. As petrov soared over the red mountains and valleys mars. As he skimmed the thin atmophere he had stollen just enough particles to light his last cig. 
 
 Petrov looked down at all the little green cyukas waving their noodle arms beggin him to stop, 
 `` No Ticket'' whispered petrov as he reached peak of his parabola and began his decent. 
 
 As the mucles of his legs impacted the red dirt it sent shock waves into the core of the planent, the ansetral homes of the martian gypsies was destabalized. The first martians looked upon petrovs shattered body and laughed `` You have failed son of man'' 
 
 Petrov only chuckled, the core had gone nuclear. 
 
 To this day no pebble of mars remains, it is all CIA lie 
 Glorius leader stalin decided this this story was TOO true, and TOO heroic to share with the public, perhaps you have been given this file. 
 
 Wheneevr you look into the sky and whisper `` cyuka blyat'' think of petrov
