[ EU ] Take two franchises you love and blend them into a comedic short story .

“ Counselor, number one, I understand this situation may prove dangerous, this is why I am leaving you two on the bridge. Worf, you ’ re with me. Doctor he said to the computer, meet us in transporter room three ” 
 
 “ But captain! ” Wesley whined. “ sensors only indicate part of the planet is m-class. The bottom part seems to be completely uninhabitable ” 
 
 “ Wesley, when I want your opinion, I will ask for it. ” 
 
 Data stepped forward from the science station: 
 “ Sir, there is an unknown chelonian element similar in composition to the farpoint being. While current behavior is not aggressive, we should maintain yellow alert as long as we are in range. ” 
 
 
 “ Affirmative, maintain a safe distance and beam me, Worf and the doctor somewhere in the vicinity of the large settlement. ” 
 
 
 Blue shimmering lights glittered in the plain. A goblin, on break in the clacks tower a few hundred meters away took note of the glowing blue, and then shook her head and went back to work. 
 
 
 It was dark when they arrived in the city. They ’ d arrived over a bridge with what looked like hippo statues into a maze of buildings. The first thing that hit them was the smell, like a mix of burning garbage, and the body odor of thousands of unwashed people. The second thing that hit them was the club held by the leader of a group of thieves. Picard fell in a heap, at Worf ’ s feet and the doctor immediately knelt to examine his wounds. 
 
 
 “ Hello, welcome to the Shades, we are the local muggers, registered and licensed by the thieves guild. So, if you would please hand over your valuables we would be much obliged. Apologies to the bald one, we always send a warning shot. ” 
 
 
 Worf reached for his phaser and took up a fighting stance. “ You have assaulted us, prepare to die ” 
 
 
 An arrow whistled out of the darkness and bounced off of his metal sash. Before the second arrow could come Worf had knocked down the lead mugger, broken the arm of the second, and drawn his phaser and shot in the general direction that the arrow came from. He heard a satisfying scream in the distance. The third mugger threw down his knife and ran off. 
 
 
 The doctor quickly had the captain up and as he stood, a little shaky on his feet, they heard a single person clapping from a darkened alley. As a team, Worf, Picard and the doctor turned. Through the inky blackness of the alley a match exploded into view, lighting a cigar. For a second, they caught sight of a grizzled man, with a metal hat leaning against the wall. As he emerged from the darkness they saw he was wearing a dented breastplate and absentmindedly swinging an equally dented truncheon. Worf, ever the warrior, instantly recognized a dangerous man and protectively stepped in front of the captain and the Doctor. 
 
 
 “ Well done, well done. ” The stranger intoned in a gravelly voice. “ I was going to stop them, but I wanted to see who you were and why you would decide to walk into the shades in the middle of the night. Plus… ” He nodded at Worf, “ It looks like you ’ re pretty well protected. Nice shooting, didn ’ t know about shaggy Nick up on the roofs with his crossbow, no big loss. ” 
 
 
 The stranger took short puff on his cigar, before taking it out of his mouth and looking at it thoughtfully. 
 
 
 “ I ’ m Commander Vimes, head the city watch, who might you be? ” 
 
 
 Picard stepped in front of Worf, his hands held up indicating to the newcomer that he was unarmed. 
 “ I am Captain Jean-Luc Picard, of the starship enterprise, this is Lieutenant Worf and Dr. Beverly Crusher ” 
 
 
 “ Captain eh? well I outrank you. Why don ’ t we take a stroll down to the station, you can tell me about this ship of yours. ” He paused for a second, smiling, “ Oh, and if you don ’ t mind, could you let me hold on to those things that shoot fire you have on your hips? ” 
 
 
 As he spoke, another person emerged from the dark alley, a tall redhead, almost as tall as Worf, built just as powerfully. He carried a sword, pointed down. Enigmatically, he smiled. 
 
 `` Hello, welcome to Ankh-Morpork!'' 
 
 
 Picard nodded at Worf and they both handed their phasers to Vimes, who promptly handed them to the tall redhead. 
 
 
 The station was an old mansion, and once the awkwardness of convincing them that Worf was not a giant goblin had passed, Vimes, Carrot ( the tall redhead ) and the group of that hung around the station along with them were actually quite friendly. Once a small monkey tried to pickpocket Captain Picard, before quickly ( and quite embarrassingly ) realizing that the one piece suits had no pockets. The flap he had been surreptitiously working his fingers into was for relieving oneself, not for storing ones valuables ( of course, *valuables* depends on one ’ s perspective, I ’ m sure for Captain Picard, the contents were very valuable indeed ). 
 
 
 “ You seem rather important, tell you what, I ’ ll take you to see the Patrician tomorrow morning, see what we can do for you, but in the meantime, you are welcome to stay here, in fact, I ’ d **suggest** you say here. 
 
 
 Not five minutes later there was a rattle outside as a black coach approached and a tall skinny man stepped silently through the door of the station. A silence fell over the station. 
 
 
 The Patrician cleared his throat, the noise echoed through the station. “ I hear there are some rather important visitors here, could someone please direct me to them? ” 
 
 
 A dwarf with red lipstick staining her beard walked forward: 
 
 
 “ They ’ re upstairs in A. E. ’ s office. ” 
 
 
 The Patrician walked silently up the normally creaky stairs, subtly avoiding each loose floor board, stepping on the single spot on each step where a footfall would fall silently. At the top of the stairs, he turned back to the silent group below, all staring up at him. 
 
 
 “ Well, continue your work, don ’ t let my presence detain you from maintaining order in the city. ” 
 
 
 Captain Picard was a diplomat first and foremost, everything from his posture to his tone of voice was controlled and measured, the Patrician liked him. His bodyguard was equally impressive, taller than carrot, as tall as a troll and the redheaded doctor looked, for all intents and purposes, like a smaller female version of Carrot. Perpetually smiling, constantly spouting moral or ethical appeals. It was a nice little team. 
 
 
 “ So I understand you are not here to destroy us. So why are you here? ” 
 
 
 “ We are exploring ” 
 
 
 “ Exploring in such a well armed ship is very interesting. Oh yes, I know about your ship, the… ” He paused and his clerk whispered something in his ear, “ …enterprise. Hovering above us. You may have science, but we have wizards. Largely a fat useless bunch, but they are remarkably clever with the right incentives.'' He turned to his clerk: `` You did send over the case of aged Lancre Blue and the wagon of wine right?'' 
 
 Captain Picard lightly tapped the brooch on his left breast but was greeted with only silence. Worf and then the doctor both imitated the captain in succession, both were greeted by silence. 
 
 “ Oh, I woke up some wizards and asked them to cut off the communication with your ship. It took them a little bit, but that Ponder really is amazing, he figured out some sort of octarine field generator that keeps your ship from sending messages. So tell me, why are you here? ” 
 
 Captain Picard stood up anger flushing his bald head red: `` We are here to explore and meet new civilizations. In decades of exploring the galaxy, we have never seen a planet so unique, we thought we ’ d explore, make a note in our logs and continue on our way. ” 
 
 “ And in the process killing one of my citizens? ” The clerk bent over and whispered again into the Patrician ’ s ear. The Patrician turned to him: “ really, when did that change? ” a quick whisper later the Patrician turned back to captain Picard. 
 “ Well, it turns out that Shaggy Nick was not a citizen of Ankh-Morpork, he was Zlobenian. Anyways, I will answer any questions you may have and then, if you would please, take your weapons and be on your way. We welcome visitors, but not those with the potential to kill the great A ’ Tuin and upset the balance of power I have worked so hard to cultivate. ” 
 
 After several hours of conversation, the Patrician bade the travelers good bye. Vimes returned their phasers and wished them safe journeys. Then in a blue flash they were gone. All that remained of them was a small gold communicator Nobby had nicked off the Doctor. 
 
 “ Who ’ s been in my office? ” A.E. asked, ” my chair has clearly been moved and there was an invoice at the top of this pile that has been moved to this pile? ” 
 
 Vimes smiled and told A.E. not to worry about it, just some visitors in the night who needed a clean place to sit. 
 
 Captain Picard stood, alone, in an empty observation lounge. Behind him a door whooshed open. Without turning around he greeted Guinan. 
 “ Strange planet, discworld. ” 
 “ I know ” 
 He turned to her: 
 “ You ’ ve been here? ” 
 “ Not exactly captain, but I ’ ve heard of it. Plus I like A ’ Tuin. ” 
 She walked to the window and waved at the giant turtle. The giant turtle, defying expectations turned its head towards her and winked a giant celestial wink. 
 
 

