[ WP ] Write the letter that you always wanted to , but never did .

To My Wife of 13 years; the letter I wish I could send you instead of continuing to live this lie. 
 
 I've no idea how to properly express the way I've been feeling lately, so I apologise now if this comes across as a ramble, with no real explanation for anything. Truth is, I do n't know if I actually have any explanation. 
 
 First of all, let me say I love you. I love you to bits. I never want to see you hurt, and I never want to see you suffer. The thing is, I just do n't know if I am actually in love anymore. The past few weeks have been great, do n't get me wrong, but I still have this emptiness inside that I ca n't shake off. 
 
 When we're together, and I can see you're happy, it makes me happy. When I see you're sad, it makes me sad. You know I'm still attracted to you, but despite that... I do n't know. There's just something that is n't there anymore. The only way I can describe it is I am numb to things. Suggestions are made for doing things, and they turn me cold. I find myself sitting there thinking to myself that I do n't want to do this or that, I do n't want to make those plans or go with those arrangements. Like I said above, I love you. I love you dearly and I truly am sorry for how things have gone, and for feeling the need to say what I've just said... I just have to be honest. Honest with you, and honest with myself. 
 
 For the past 2-3 years, maybe even longer, I've felt like I've been living someone else's life. I love the kids, and I would n't change having them for the world, but I feel like all I've become is just a provider, a facilitator even, that allows everyone else to have their own lives and never mind my own. I've gone with every suggestion, practically bankrupting myself at times. I've scraped my arse back from the abyss singlehandedly, because no matter what I said or did it was always inferior to what you or anyone else wanted. I am a positive, life-loving individual who can be a bit of an oddball and is a bundle of quirks, but for God knows how long I've not been that person. I've been dragged down.. Turned into a huge mess of negativity.. and been made to conform with everyone else's aspirations & expectations, forsaking my own free will. I've moved house at your request, and done everything I can for that when my head was telling me it was an unnecessary financial burden given that we were rent/mortgage free before. I did n't just change jobs, I changed careers to try to suit you and to work the hours you preferred. 
 
 I've been a square peg in a round hole for a long long time, and it is no coincidence that the changes I took it upon myself to make this year are the reason I even have my head straight enough to write this. I took it upon myself to apply for a scholarship to Uni, and I achieved it. 100 % funded degree course. No support from you though. No help. I took it upon myself with no support to seek first informal help, & then to progress to full blown counselling for how I was feeling at my lowest, & after some very tough times I've begun to emerge again. Reconnecting with friends, & reigniting old interests is another step, & I've done that alone too. 
 
 I guess what I'm trying to say here is that I'm done. All the negativity, all the bullshit, all the pretence of being someone I'm not. I'm done. I have single handedly gotten myself facing the right way again after being upside down, inside out and back to front, and now I am ready to take strides to enjoy myself again. The kids will always be the most important thing to me, and I will always be there for them as best I can be. I will always love you, and I will always hold a place in my heart for you as the mother of my children, but I am now at a stage where I think we've just grown too far apart, have different goals, different ideals now. You still clamour for that `` forces lifestyle'', and talk about `` standards'', `` routine'', and `` structure''. That's not me. It never has been. I'm a free spirit, an adventurer, and a damn good actor for being able to surprises that. Do n't get me wrong I can write a list or two, and I can create structure & stability to accomplish things, but I ca n't live my life that way. 
 
 I'm a square peg, and you're a round hole. It's time we both found a better fit. 
 
 Sincerely, 
 
 Your Husband
