[ IP ] Age 24

I find myself but it's not what I expected. This is mostly because I did n't realize there was something to be found, had n't 24 years of living been enough to know myself? I thought it would be, should be, mostly because the idea of so much as a day more of searching for myself sounds exhausting. 
 
 So lets take inventory, an inventory of myself and what I thought I was up until a few minutes ago; I am Jonah B. Gunderson, son of Hanna and Matthew Gunderson, born and raised in Oakland, California to be a humble, honest, and hard working man. I have a girlfriend, her name is Samantha Davies and she is very smart and very pretty and very aware of how powerful a combination that is. We're going to move in together next month because I just got a promotion at the office and can afford a house with backyard because she wants a dog. I hate dogs, I love Samantha. My best friend is Beau Lombardy and we're very different because he's in a band and wears flannel where as I'm a businessman and wear suits. He lives in an apartment with his bandmates, I'm about to live in a house with a backyard with my girlfriend. I go to the bars with my coworkers every Friday after work for casual conversation and drinks. Saturday is date night. Sunday I visit mom and pop. Monday back to work for the week. 
 
 See, I had a lot of things figured out. In fact, I thought that was about all there was to life and the only big change left would be when I added kids into that schedule in a few years. It was simple, and I like simple because it makes sense and I can put it into a list and I've always found comfort in a good list. 
 
 But then Beau comes over unannounced on a Thursday, which I did n't like because Thursday is when I read and I have a lot of books I've been meaning to get to. But Beau is my best friend, and I love him like a brother or what I think it feels like to love a brother as I'm an only child, so I let him in and smile when he seems excited about something. 
 
 `` Today is the day, Jonesy!'' 
 Beau's looking all too pleased with himself and my first thought is that this means I will be needing more than one cup of coffee to be awake enough for work tomorrow. 
 
 `` What's happening today?'' 
 I ask. 
 
 `` I'm popping your cherry! I've decided that I can not go a day more having a best friend who I have n't dropped with.'' 
 Beau smiled that contagious smile that had gotten me into trouble a million times before. I can honestly say that every story I have about trouble has started with Beau smiling. 
 
 `` Come on Beau, you know that's not my scene.'' 
 I weakly attempted to dissuade him. But I know Beau, and when he gets something in his head it's there and it's there good. It's not that I was a prude or anything, I've just never felt compelled to do much beyond beers at the bar every week. I'll also be the first to admit that I smoked more than my fair share of pot in college, but outside of dorm life I never cared all too much. 
 
 `` You know what, man? No, none of this'I'm not into it' shit. You are my best friend and goddamit best friends do drugs together! It's in the fuckin' Bible dude, God is telling me to do drugs with you. This is beyond me, orders from upstairs.'' 
 
 `` And just where in the Bible does it say that?'' 
 I asked with a laugh. Beau liked to talk out his ass. 
 
 `` Dunno, long book, somewhere around the middle part for sure though.'' 
 He said with a shrug. It was ridiculous, but I'd always liked how he could think like that. He was like a little kid in his mind sometimes still. I was jealous of that, he never had to do things like take aspirin because working through his personal finances never gave him headaches. But, now that I think about it he's probably never even used the phrase personal finances. 
 
 `` I do n't think so Beau, I know about acid and that sounds too intense for me. Pot was enough to mess with my head.'' 
 
 `` Listen Jonah,'' 
 Beau flopped himself onto my couch and I knew I was in for a doozy. 
 
 `` Jonah, I love you. Which is why I'm going to be honest; you need to loosen the hell up! I cut you some slack for a while because I know how much the promotion meant to you especially with that stuff with Samantha. I respected it, I let you skip out on hanging more and more because you had to put in extra time. But now that you've got that promotion, it's time to undue the tie and loosen up for a bit! Lets celebrate that promotion you worked your ass off for!'' 
 
 He rounded off his little speech with his pouty puppy dog face that I'm ashamed to say works as well on me as it does the girls who fawn over his band. I sighed and looked at him for a moment; he was right, I had been blowing him off and he had been a good sport about it. This would make him happy, I owed it him for being supportive. 
 
 `` You just had to come on a Thursday, did n't you?'' 
 I asked with a smile and Beau smiled back right away. 
 
 `` Good on you, man!'' 
 He reached over a clapped me on the shoulder with one hand while reaching into the inside pocket of his beat up blazer with the other, pulling out a small plastic baggy with two small white strips in it. He carefully fished one out and I extended my open palm for him to place it. It was weightless and I thought it was strange that something so minuscule had such a reputation. 
 
 `` Just put it on your tongue, the first order from your guide through the night,'' 
 I watched Beau gingerly place his strip on his tongue before looking at me expectantly. I did the same. It was bitter. 
 
 `` Now what?'' 
 I asked. 
 
 `` Now, we wait.'' 
 
 Beau and I talked for a while, he asked me if Samantha and I had settled on a house yet and I asked when his next gig was because I promised I'd go to one after I'd gotten the promotion. Halfway through explaining about Samantha's hangup between a house with a bigger yard but only one bathroom or a medium size one with 2.5 bathrooms when I noticed that I was no longer in my living room but somewhere outside. 
 
 `` Ummm... Beau?'' 
 I asked quietly, startled by this sudden change. 
 
 `` Yeah dude?'' 
 Beau's was watery, but I could still see him on the couch next to me so I felt safe. 
 
 `` Are you where I am?'' 
 
 `` Yeah man, I'm totally there.'' 
 Beau started laughing and it was melodic, like he was singing one of his songs instead of just laughing. It made me laugh too and I let myself sink deeper into the couch as I watched the world warping around me. 
 
 The world stopped moving when the ground was white and rocky, like the hardened clumps of baking soda that stick out in batter. The next thing I noticed was the stars, good God the stars! Never had I seen anything like it, like there was no artificial light to pollute the skies, just stars and God in heaven. 
 
 `` It's beautiful,'' 
 I whispered, almost stunned into silence but being too moved to not speak all at once. I waited, watching, expecting to hear Beau make some sort of sound in agreement. I heard nothing and looked over to find myself alone. Weirdly enough, this did n't bother me. Nor did I feel compelled to move, to seek anything or anyone out, I'd probably just get lost in this place as it is. 
 
 And that's when I started to think, really think. I mean, I've thought a lot in my life and I'm what a lot of people would call a smart guy. But I've never thought like this, about myself and the world and life and what the hell am I doing here and why am I doing it and who am I doing it for and is there a point to doing it and why and why and who and what and where and why and how and how and how and who am I? 
 
 That last one stopped the racing of words through my mind. Who am I? 
 
 `` I'm an alien.'' 
 I whispered to myself before breaking out into laughter, laughter like I used to get when I was stoned with my college friends. I could n't stop. 
 
 `` I'm am alien!'' 
 I shouted, lifting my arms into the air as if I'd just won a race. 
 
 So there I was, an alien. I was definitely that, because I was in a place I'm definitely not from. An stranger in a strange land. 
 
 And that's when the thinking got weird again. I'm an alien here, because I'm in a strange land. So, what am I in a familiar land? Back on Earth? Back at home? 
 
 `` I'm... an... alien?'' 
 I said it aloud without the realizing I was speaking or even thinking those words, but they hit me like a truth that had been fighting to be fast enough to finally catch up with me for a long, long time. 
 
 `` I am an alien.'' 
 I said it more surely this time, I liked how it felt in my mouth and I liked how it tasted on my tongue. 
 
 `` I am a fucking alien!'' 
 
 And it was true! I am a fucking alien! Think about it, think about the rest of the people in my life. Beau, Beau's such a force of nature. He's outgoing, creative, parties, all the things I made myself believe I could n't be without sacrificing success and he's doing just fine! Hell he's got a certain joy that even I do n't have when I'm with Samantha. 
 
 Samantha, she's got tons of friends and not just from work. She goes out even if she has to work in the morning but she smiles sweetly at me every time I tell her to go ahead without me. She's out there having fun, working hard but having a lot of fun. 
 
 Hell, even my parents go out! They've got their country club friends they're always out for cocktail lunches with. My coworkers too, some of them go out for drinks at lunch. They also have other friends to drink with or more nights than Friday. 
 
 I am an alien, because everyone else prioritizes differently than me and everyone else has more fun than me because everyone else has figured out that you can still have a lot of play and work hard and oh God I'm boring. 
 
 `` Shit.'' 
 A voice cut through my thoughts and in a blink I was back in my living room with Beau's sitting next to me and staring away. 
 
 `` What?'' 
 I asked. 
 
 `` You just said a lot of shit. Do n't worry about being boring dude, that's just the drugs talking.'' 
 
 `` Fuck, did I say that all aloud?'' 
 
 `` It happens, acid makes you find yourself like that.'' 
 He smiled at me again before leaning back and I do the same. 
 
 
 
 

