[ WP ] Write the most satirically patriotic story you can American

I woke up and then *BOOM* EXPLOSIONS AND ELECTRIC GUITAR SOLO. I immediately put on a shirt, tore off that shirt, all while holding the Great Gatsby and Catch-22 ( BECAUSE BOOKS! ) in each hand while belting out `` FROM THE HALLS OF MONTEZUMA!'' Afterwards, I rammed my heady out the window and more SPLOSIONS! As I hit my front yard, face first. Someone had put a big fat CANADA sign on it so I blew it up with my rocket launcher.'MURICA HELL YA! 
 
 
 My neighbor arrived to cut my lawn and after doing so, I booted him back home, put up a fence, and yelled `` DO N'T COME BACK MEXICO ( UNTIL 5 A.M. TOMORROW )! Fuck ya, show him who has the balls in the neighborhood. Then I took a nice leisurely stroll to Walmart through Iraq and bombed it for NO FUCKING REASONS BUT SPLOSIONS! FUCK YA! Saved the Motherfuckin' Day yah! 
 
 
 At Walmart I got three cases of beer, three bottles of whiskey, and drank them all on my way out while yelling at how fat Walmart shoppers were. After driving home backwards across Afghanistan for ten years, I smashed into a tree at home and started projectile puking everywhere because FUCK YA VOMIT COMIT AND MORE SPLOSIONS! The American household has been shut down for the time being as we work out my situation.
