[ WP ] Earth is the N. Korea of the solar system and you 're an alien being given a guided tour for your homeworld 's media .

*Disclaimer* I took the title to mean: A guided tour of the homeworld's media ( Homeworld being Earth ) and wrote the story according to that interpretation. It's late... I hope the story still brings some enjoyment! 
 
 
 
 `` I'll now be handing you off to Delyous for the lifestyle section of our tour. Since this is free, I'll be accepting any tips you may have now. Eatoids have to eat.'' 
 
 
 Everyone laughed. Ryea was a fantastic educator for the terrestrial land inhabitants section. 
 
 
 We gathered into the next room and found a curly-haired Zyphanoid with his one leg propped against a hologram projector. Zyphanoid's were known for being eccentric and for their great lung capacity. 
 
 
 `` Primitive is really the best word to describe them,'' said the guide, throwing images of human locomotives at the hologram projector. `` It boggles my mind that they try so hard to make sure every person has one of these little polluting zippy-sperts to themselves. You ca n't even get across any of the oceans with them. You have to load it onto a something called a'boat' if you do. Where's the logic in that?'' 
 
 
 Images of cars, trucks and every kind of locomotive projected onto the board and then to make his point a boat appeared carrying locomotives. 
 
 
 `` They're known as'vehicles'. Imagine our Mass Transportation System, the glory of efficiency and locomotion in our galaxy being broken apart and given to every single individual living thing. The waste, the collisions, the death, oh! It would be tragic most definitely!''. 
 
 
 This guide was apparently between jobs from what we learned as he collected the image containers from the hologram projector. He had just had a brief role on the new film, Apocalypse: Centauri, that was apparently supposed to spring his acting career into the next galaxy. As you can imagine, it sprung him straight here. 
 
 
 `` And you know what's even more hilarious about that? They fight over whether or not they should keep their planet clean. You stick yourself in one of their homes with these little machines running and you die. You fill the planet with them and they expect everything to be okay?'' He flailed his arms wildly throwing more images into the hologram. `` Industry, vehicles, wars, bombs.'' The images came to life before our eyes and amassed into one giant cloud. 
 
 
 `` And you know what it takes for those little humans to believe that everything's okay. Most of them just need one person on their little life boxes called'televisions' to say everything's fine, it's natural''. The guide giggled to himself. `` Now enough of that,'' with a smile as radiant as Sirius, the guide scooped up all the hologramed images and began to trickle some new ones onto the hologramer. 
 
 
 To our dismay, he began to sing as humans figures began to appear on opposite sides of the hologramer: 
 
 
 `` All 
 
 it 
 
 takes, 
 
 is a little stubborn feeling. 
 
 
 And 
 
 they 
 
 for- 
 
 get to listen to facts. 
 
 
 Ohhhhh 
 
 how 
 
 silly little humans 
 
 do n't know what their doing 
 
 but do it any way. 
 
 
 Ha!'' 
 
 
 While the guide slowly strutted between the two hologramed groups of humans a little girl tugged on her mother's suit. 
 
 
 `` Mommy, can we get to the interactive exhibit on ocean diving? I wan na swim with dolf-ins?'' she said. 
 
 
 `` Not yet... he has the key to the door...'' the mother replied with a sigh. 
 
 
 The guide took a large breath, Zyphanoids were known for their incredible lung capacities. Oh my, did it ever feel like days... 
 
 
 `` You know why I was in Apocalypse Centauri? They said only I looked natural enough underwater for the part and the fact that I could still speak underwater was a brilliant bonus. Brilliant. Their words not mine.'' He winked at the man beside me whose eyes were locked on the `` exit'' sign. 
 
 
 `` So, here we have group that devotes most of their time to classify things as `` facts'' and this group that spend most of their time speaking to people at an appropriate educational level for their understanding. And then there's me, the old glorious media. If man-fact says something and man-speaker disagrees, well, I, can make fact-man slowly fade away. Delyous began to flick out image containers onto the ground. `` I make you seem benevolent, and you seem crazy. You seem intelligent and you seem uncanny. Master Delyous, the puppeteer of the future.'' 
 
 
 He continued flicking out the images until only he remained. 
 
 
 `` Living while controlled. It's a tragedy really,'' he said with an unsettling smile. A faint bell rang. 
 
 
 `` Oh! Time's up!'' A unanimous sigh rang through the room as if the anti-gravity field temporarily malfunctioned and made the room lighter. 
 
 
 `` Remember, you did get this for free, but I can only live by your kindness!'' he announced in a bout of charisma. He then swiped the key for the doors to open and waited. 
 
 
 From what I could see, in his hand, he was only handed two bennies. Who even carries bennies anymore?
