[ WP ] Whilst having a demon for a girlfriend is n't always the best , the benefits are well worth it

I looked around the Olive Garden and made sure no-one was within earshot. I turned to Olivia and felt my heart drop. She was beautiful, funny, smart, and French. I did n't want to ask her this, but I just had to know. `` Okay, I've got to ask you something.'' 
 
 She snapped the bread stick in her hands and took her eyes off the candle in between us. `` Yeah, Steve?'' 
 
 I braced myself. `` Why does it burn when I go to take a piss?'' 
 
 Olivia raised an eyebrow. `` Before I answer that,'' she began, `` Do you really want the answer?'' 
 
 My heart sank. She was cheating on me. I knew it. `` Yes. I've got to know.'' 
 
 `` I'm a demon.'' 
 
 `` What?'' 
 
 She looked at me for a second. `` Alright, you're not getting it. Take a couple breadsticks and make a crucifix.'' 
 
 I dumbly did, feeling like an idiot. When I made the cross I looked up at her. Nothing happened for a second, but then the scent of burning hair hit me like a brick wall and a screaming chorus of hellish voices knocked me back in my chair. Olivia sat before me, grimacing, with her head on fire and a set of horns protruding from her head. I dropped the breadsticks. 
 
 The voices stopped and she looked normal again. 
 
 She snapped her fingers and a little spark and wisp of smoke burst forth. `` So, yeah, like I said: I'm a demon. I died and went to hell. Now i'm here at the Olive Garden!'' 
 
 `` I think I believe you.'' I watched the smoke evaporate into the air and I caught the scent of brimstone. `` So, wait a sec, why were you sent to hell?'' 
 
 Olivia looked at the ceiling. `` I killed just like, so many protestants.'' 
 
 `` Ok. Why? 
 
 `` It was the reformation, Steve.'' 
 
 `` That's a terrible reason!'' 
 
 `` Well, I mean, yeah. I did go to hell for it. But, really, it was a different time; women did n't have a lot of opportunities and when the Pope, that lying asshole Paul, said protestants were fair game I kinda jumped on that. I wanted to show them that women were more than just nuns and prostitutes!'' She took a sip of her steaming hot coffee and shivered. `` And we are.'' 
 
 I stared at her for a second then shrugged. `` Fuck, I'm getting off topic. Alright, so you're a demon, good, great. You're exotic! That's kinda an upside.'' 
 
 `` Actually, I'm French.'' 
 
 `` You're French! Yeah! Ok.'' I looked down at my hands for a second and then back up to her. `` I ca n't put this one off: why are you dating me? It's not like a haunting type thing, right?'' 
 
 She shook her head. `` Nah, I'm getting a chance to be absolved for my crime. My little stint out here on Earth, think of it as a parole hearing. Show that I'm reformed and that I'm sorry and all that.'' 
 
 `` Are you?'' 
 
 `` Yes! I mean I was in Hell for like five-hundred years! It sucked! It really sucked!'' She thought for a second and then added as an afterthought: `` Also it was morally wrong.'' 
 
 `` So, wait, how many protestants do you have to kill to be sent to hell for five-hundred years?'' 
 
 `` I'll give you a hint: It was a year for each.'' 
 
 `` You killed... like five-'' 
 
 `` Hundred. Yeah.'' She let out a breathe. `` I was soooo good at it.'' 
 
 I braced myself and got ready to run before I asked my next question. `` You do know I'm Lutheran?'' 
 
 She giggled. `` Of course I know! You're part of my penance, and seriously, Steve, do n't even worry about it; you're in no danger from me. none at all.'' 
 
 I sat silently and looked over her shoulder out into space. She killed a lot of people. I did n't know if I could get over that. More than that, she kept setting the air temp in my flat for like ninety degrees, and the electric bill was fucking crazy. 
 
 `` I can wear a sweater and stop fooling around with the thermostat.'' She said. 
 
 My jaw dropped. `` You can read minds, ca n't you.'' 
 
 `` Yeah, a little, but really, I get that we both need to make sacrifices for this relationship to work. I can wear a sweater at home. You can get over me killing five-hundred people.'' 
 
 `` You can read minds?'' 
 
 `` Oh, we're on this now? I'll just be up front about it. I know every thought going through your head, and for the record,'' She leaned in and winked, `` I'm super into the nun fetish.'' 
 
 `` Why can you read my mind?'' 
 
 `` You promise not to get mad?'' 
 
 `` NO!'' 
 
 `` Oh fine.'' She pulled a loose thread from her sweater. `` I possessed you just a little.'' 
 
 `` I'M POSSESSED?'' I shouted. A few people eating at the next table looked over. 
 
 `` Do n't make a scene, Steve, but yes, you're a little eansy bit possessed, just enough so I can read your mind, but you still have control.'' 
 
 `` WHY DO YOU-'' I started yelling again but she gave me a look and I changed my tone to a whisper. `` Why do you have to read my mind?'' 
 
 `` So I can make the relationship work. It looks better to the guys upstairs.'' 
 
 `` You're using me, are n't you?'' 
 
 `` No! Steve, I really like you! I did n't have to date anyone once I got back to Earth! I just saw you at the library and you could read and you smelled like you bathed more than once a month. Do you know how rare that was in my day? I had to hit that.'' 
 
 The waiter stopped by and smiled at the two of us. `` Are you two ready to order, or do you need a little more time.'' 
 
 Olivia looked at me for a sec before glancing up at the waiter and smiling. `` I think we'll need a bit more time, and could you bring us a few more breadsticks?'' 
 
 The waiter smiled and left. 
 
 Olivia turned back to me. `` So, you probably need some time to think this all out, huh.'' 
 
 I looked at her and furrowed my brow. `` I thought you could read minds?'' 
 
 `` I was just trying to be nice; I know you're just happy I'm not cheating on you.'' 
 
 `` I guess I am.'' I smiled, but then thought of something new. I looked at Olivia and she did not look happy. `` You mentioned something about nuns and prostitutes. Which one were you?'' 
 
 She looked down. `` Yeah, I think I know why it burns when you pee.'' 
 
 
 
 

