[ WP ] You 're a bomb defuser . Ranked number one , saving thousands of lives . Your trade secret ? You have no idea what you 're doing .

`` Uhhhhh, sir this is a mistake'' I uttered to my commander. `` Listen here kiddo, You are the only guy who has a college degr-'' He began as I interject `` It's in performing arts..'' he gets a little angry `` I did n't give you permission to speak, now did I maggot. You will be deployed in 6 weeks to get all your affairs in order and everything you do, will be paid for by the Unites States Marine Corps. Good luck Private.'' Those were the last words he mention to me before he shoved me out of his office as my ass hit the warm pavement. `` Fucking bitch'' i mumbled, `` I heard that'' his voice played through my walkie talkie. 
 
 I turned it off and I ran as fast as I could to my car and drove to the airport, immediately booking my flight to Montana where my family stay, who the fuck lives in Montana. I get there say hi to my parents, my brother and his wife. `` Stay safe'' my mother says as she gives me a great big hug says, `` I'll do my best ma'' i said trying to hold back tears. `` Pussy!'' My brother says, `` Fuck you Tom, if I die from defusing one of these bombs, I'm gon na haunt your ass for the rest of your life'' we pause and hug. I wave by to my family and head to my car. 
 
 I get back to San Antonio and say bye to all of my buds on base `` So where are you being deployed?'' Asks my good friend Mark. `` Syria'' I reply, `` Shit, well, good luck buddy'' says Mark. 
 
 I wake up at 3am to furious pounding on my door, you guessed it, my commander. `` Wake up muffin boy!'' i'm called muffin boy because when i arrived I used to deliver the food and he always asked for blueberry muffins, `` Alright, i'm coming'' and next thing you know i'm on a plane to Syria. 
 
 *fast forward to present time* `` Do I have any idea what i'm doing? Abso-fucking-lutely not, but it works apparently. So either these terrorists are more fucking dumb than I am, or i'm just'da bomb', 27 defused bombs and I'm still making shitty puns. Well, I have to go to sleep now, but what's been bothering me is that ticking noise coming from the other side of my wall, must be my roomates clock or something.. but he does n't have a clo......'' 
 
 
 and then a boom erupts throughout the quiet Syrian desert night as the dust settles, the wind ever so slightly blows. 
 
 
 This was supposed to be funny but I fucked up horribly. Originally it was supposed to be a movie kind of thing but then at the last paragraph it turns into a video camera/paper writing. It's my first time writing one of these so please give me some pointers. Thank you in advance.
