[ WP ] For as long as you can remember , every time you look in a mirror there has sat a benign little tortoise on your shoulder . The tortoise can not be seen by anyone else . Today , the tortoise waves .

Standard morning, roll out of bed, head into the bathroom to relieve my bladder, stare blearily into the mirror and try to decide whether I smell bad enough to warrant a shower or not. Leaning towards `` no.'' Chucky, my shoulder tortoise, gives a wave. 
 
 `` Morning, buddy,'' I say, deciding that I'd rather eat breakfast than shower today. I just wo n't let anybody get close enough to smell me at work. Maybe I'll leave early, say I've got a dentist appointment. 
 
 Lucky Charms, but no milk, a classic quandary. `` Chucky, dude, you've got ta remind me to buy milk,'' I say. 
 
 *Thought I told you yesterday, * says Chucky, who can speak to me telepathically. 
 
 `` Yeah but, I mean, I need more notice than that,'' I point out. 
 
 *Right, yesterday was a busy day. No time to go grocery shopping, what with your action-packed schedule of Counter Strike and masturbation. * 
 
 Chucky's always giving me shit. 
 
 `` Not in the mood today,'' I say as I hop into my work pants. `` This is gon na be a good week, I can feel it.'' 
 
 *You finally gon na ask a girl out this week? * 
 
 `` Oh, you got me,'' I said. `` Pow, right in the feels.'' 
 
 *Just saying, maybe you would n't be so sad and lonely all the time with a girl around. * 
 
 `` I tried that, remember? Did n't work out.'' 
 
 *Ca n't give up on women forever because of one relationship that did n't work out. * 
 
 `` Oh, what do you know,'' I snap, waiting at the door until I get the last word in. `` You're an imaginary turtle living on my shoulder.'' 
 
 *So ai n't it sad I get laid just as often as you do? * 
 
 I muster the most dismissive snort I can and head out the door. 
 

