[ WP ] Death lives in your house . He 's been the best roommate you 've ever had . After tomorrow 's breakfast , he needs to speak with you .

I sat at the breakfast table eating cold motor oil with metal flakes, the usual. `` Hey Mark!'' I flung my spoon across the table in surprise, `` tomorrow I'm going to have to have a sit down with you. There's something important we need to talk about.'' 
 
 I sat looking between my spoon and my roommate Dale, who was standing across the room in the doorway. `` What is it? Why do n't you just tell me now Dale?'' He was being cryptic, as always. 
 
 `` All in good time my friend.'' He paused as if to consider telling me now and shook his head. `` Well, I'm off to work.'' He stated as he walked out the door. 
 
 My CPU began to heat. Something about my roommate gave me the heebie-jeebies. 
 
 Dale was the CEO of his very own multi-million dollar company, which made it even more strange that he lived in such a shit apartment and even MORE strange he needed ( or wanted ) a roommate. However, he paid all of the rent and bought most of the food, even though I had never seen him eat any of it. I got up to look out the window. Dale was getting into his fire-red Ferrari and buzzing off at speeds that were definitely unsafe. 
 
 It was dark outside, like usual, and very hot, also like usual. I tried to compile a list of everything I knew about Dale, but really there was not much. I did n't even know the name of the company he owned. I did n't question his success though, for obvious reasons such as a Ferrari and a business suit ( that he always wore ) that would put GOB's to shame. 
 
 I went into the living room to unwind with some good old friendly television. I turned on the TV to static. I messed with the antenna on top of the TV until the picture cleared up. I swear I did n't have TV problems until I moved in with Dale, maybe he had something to do with it. 
 
 Nah. 
 
 I did my best to ignore what he had told me over breakfast with the adventures of my favorite TV character Mr. Rectangles. It was surprisingly effective. An eternity passed by before Dale returned home from CEOing whatever it was he CEOed. 
 
 `` Hey, what did you want to tell me? Will you tell me now?'' I hit him with a barrage as soon as he set foot in the door. He laughed, if you can call it that, and reassured me, 
 `` It's nothing to worry about my friend. Now let's play some video games!'' 
 
 This did not reassure me. For one, it was not an answer and for two he was better at gaming than I was. Even though I was no slouch. It just wasn ’ t fair, he had EVERYTHING. 
 
 We played standard one vs. one and I only got one kill for each of his fifteen. Every match he won I would stand in frustration and ask him again. He again denied me, three times in fact! 
 
 Much later in the day, when it was still dark out but somehow darker, Dale excused himself to go to bed. `` I am so excited to share with you the good news tomorrow. Sleep well!'' He said to me. 
 `` I am excited to finally hear this news too.'' I said, still not excited but nervous. 
 
 I went back to my room to try and get some sleep as well. Of course I could not sleep. I could n't get comfortable and my CPU was racing, throwing out statistics and probabilities, worst of all that one time in middle school. I shuddered. I couldn ’ t take it anymore! I got out of bed and marched to Dale ’ s room, forgoing a knock by kicking in the door. In hindsight probably a bit excessive, but I had a right gosh darn it. “ Dale gosh darn it, tell me what you need to tell me. It ’ s driving me crazy! ” 
 
 “ I ’ m sorry Mark, but it will have to wait until morning. ” He dismissed me. 
 
 “ How do we even know it ’ s not morning!? It ’ s always the same brightness outside! ” 
 
 He sat up, thinking it over. “ Good point. I can tell you now. Have a seat. ” He patted his bed next to him. I noticed he was still in his suit. “ Now this is very important that you pay attention, you may be in denial when you first hear this news. ” I nodded in understanding. “ Okay Mark, where to begin. ” He sighed. “ You ’ re a robot. ” 
 
 I gasped. I looked down at my hands, as if seeing them for the first time. Metal clamps. “ So I am. ” It made sense now that I actually thought about it. I rotated my hands, clamped and unclamped them. “ Surely this isn ’ t the only thing you wanted to tell me. ” 
 
 “ No, there is more but that part is important. You ’ re a robot and yet somehow you made it to my lair, to hell. ” 
 
 “ YOUR lair? HELL is YOUR lair? ” I stood in shock. 
 
 “ Indeed it is, I am the CEO and founder of hell, the devil, or as I prefer, Dale. Or Mr. Dale. The problem with you being here is Hell is only intended for humans, mortals, which you are not. I ’ m just as confused as you are to be honest, how does a robot make it to Hell? ” 
 
 I shrugged my shoulders. “ So is that what you wanted to tell me? That you ’ re the devil? ” 
 
 “ That, and the robot thing, and one last thing. I need you to go back to the land of the living. The Uppersphere. ” 
 
 “ Uppersphere? Where is that? ” 
 
 “ It ’ s a different plane of existence entirely. One that is the same, but also very very different. I have a few errands for you to run while you are there, but in your downtime I need you to try and blend in as best as possible. Can you do that for me? ” 
 
 “ I don ’ t know. Something tells me I shouldn ’ t trust the devil, but I can ’ t think of a specific example from a book of any kind. So I ’ m going to have to say no. Plus, I like it here. ” 
 
 “ I ’ m sorry Mark, but you can ’ t stay even if you wanted to. ” 
 
 He placed his hand on my face, it was hot. My chassis began to tremble and shake violently and I really had to use the bathroom. A red swirling portal opened up right behind me, sucking in air and papers and a manner of other things. 
 
 “ Try to remain calm! ” Dale shouted over the noise of the portal. “ This shouldn ’ t hurt you because you ’ re a robot, but then again nothing about you makes sense anyway! So it might actually hurt! A lot! ” 
 
 “ Okay! ” was all I could think to respond with. 
 
 He shoved me through the portal and it did hurt, really bad. Mostly on my butt, which I landed on. 
 
 “ Holy shit! Are you okay man?! ” A person ran up to me. A human. I hadn ’ t seen one so closely for quite some time. “ Dude! You just fell ten stories, how are you conscious right now? ” 
 
 The man smelled bad, like a skunk. “ This is important... Where is the bathroom? ” I asked. 
 
 “ Uhhhhhh… There ’ s probably one in there. ” The smelly man pointed to the nearest skyscraper I had collapsed next to. 
 I rushed inside and asked the woman at the front desk where the restrooms were. She smiled, pointed and said, “ Right over there. ” 
 
 I ran into the bathroom and noticed my reflection in the mirror. 
 
 Yup, still a robot. 

