[ WP ] A man orders a `` cheese pizza with no crust '' from a local pizza delivery joint as a joke . Unbeknownst to him , that pizza joint is a drug front and he just placed an order for a kilo of cocaine .

`` Hi, I'd like to place an order for delivery.'' 
 
 The four college-aged men assorted in my living room giggled in the background, stoned, as I began to speak to the pizzeria employee on the other end of the line. About 45 minutes prior, Jake, a slightly overweight and jovial man, had hazily and through bleary eyes suggested we order a pizza to eat from the new pizza place that had opened up. He, myself, and our three fellow engineering students, Rob, Tamer, and Samuel were celebrating the end of our senior year at university and were staying in town for a few extra days before returning home to our respective families, and looking for jobs. 
 
 We as a collective were a healthy few beers deep, and there was an in depth, well debated discussion about what sort of pizza we should order. Tamer could n't have pepperoni because of his religion. Robert thought pineapple was an atrocity when situated on a pie. Jake did n't care either way as long as there was enough to go around. Samuel enthusiastically jumped from his seated position, wide-eyed with mischief in his ear-to-ear grin. 
 
 `` Guys, their slogan is'We will serve you what you ask for''' he said, `` Lets ask them for a cheese pizza... but with no crust.'' 
 
 We looked at Samuel for a moment in silent incredulity, and then our smiles turned to match his. It was an instance of intoxicated ingenious -- one of those ideas spurred by a precise ratio of devil-may-care attitude, alcohol, and misguided interpretation. 
 
 We had no idea how misguided we exactly were. Mostly. 
 
 Fast forward 35 minutes. I'm on the phone with the pizzeria, stifling my laughter as my friends pass around a generously packed, glass water pipe. 
 
 The boy answering the phone speaks with a happy accommodation in his voice, `` Sure! Can I get a name, address, and phone number for your order?'' 
 
 I rattle off my information and the boy chimes back asking `` Now what can I get for ya today?'' 
 
 As even and deadpan as I can manage I say, `` I'd like to get a cheese pizza but with no crust.'' 
 
 My friends erupt into hysterics as the boy stammers over the phone, his voice cracking, `` I-I'm sorry, but did you say you'd like to get a cheese pizza with no crust?'' 
 
 Understanding his bewilderment, and happy with his reaction I said, `` Yes, that is correct.'' 
 
 The boy, now sounding a bit disconcerted, says back to me `` I'm sorry sir, I'm going to have to transfer you to my manager for that order.'' 
 
 The line clicks and quickly transitions to some soft piano music. I begin to feel a little guilty about our prank, thinking I'm about to be reamed out by the owner of the shop for making ridiculous calls when they're trying to conduct business. I look back to my cohorts, cajoling and carrying on with one another about the absurdity of our act. 
 
 `` Guys!'' I interrupt them from their festivity, `` They're connecting me to a manager. I think we may have pissed them off with that order.'' 
 
 Their faces slacken with no good retort coming from their mouths except for Samuel, who with the impression of a British jester at court said, `` They ought not tell good people, like ourselves, that we can get whatever we ask if we ca n't get it -- it's bad marketing is what it is, innit?'' 
 
 Samuel was always like this, reckless, capricious to a fault, and always on the lookout for the next thrill or joke. 
 
 The piano music stopped and a new voice echoed across the line, gruff and hoarse. `` Hello'' the voice spat, `` I understand you want a cheese pizza with no crust.'' 
 
 I replied sheepishly, `` Yes... I did order that, but it's not a problem if you are n't able to do that.'' 
 
 The voice on the end of the phone let out a sputter of chuckle and said `` Nah it ai n't no problem we can do that, but when do you want it and where do you want to pick it up?'' 
 
 `` Oh, Okay!'' Surprised, I continued saying `` I already gave our address to the first guy I talked to, and we want it as soon as possible. Are you all busy tonight?'' 
 
 I heard the soft pulling of a cigar on the other end, and then the voice said `` for an order like this, you're our top priority. See you in 20.'' 
 
 The line clicked as the man disconnected the call and I hung up the phone. The look of confusion on my face must have been quite apparent because as I did this Tamer spoke up, coughing a plume of blue-grey smoke as he did so. 
 
 `` *hmmph* *hmmph* so... what just *hack* *hack* happened?'' 
 
 `` Well'' I said, `` Our crustless pizza should be here in twenty minutes and no one seems too upset about the order. In fact, that manager seems pretty fucking happy about it.'' 
 
 `` It was probably a slow night'' asserted Samuel, `` That order probably spiced things up for them.'' 
 
 Rob, contributing his only statement since they began smoking, `` Yeah that's probably it.'' 
 
 I was befuddled, but I was n't complaining. We had carried out our act of debauchery, got a kick out of our stupidity without angering anyone, and our pizza was on the way. With these things in mind, I sat down on the sofa and started into the conversation my buddies were having while I was on the phone. It was proving to be a grand evening. Everyone was in high spirits with the stress of the semester behind us and the exciting prospects of summer shining in our immediate future. I could n't help but notice one thing though. Samuel, typically engaged and lively as the most vivacious of characters had grown sullen in the armchair he perched upon. He seemed anxious, a trait I had ever seen in him before, and more than once I saw him quickly glance at the door and then hurriedly avert his gaze back to our circle of friends as if he was anticipating something and trying not to let anyone else on. I figured the weed had gotten to him. 
 
 22 minutes pass and I hear a loud, deliberate knocking on the door. At this, Samuel flips out of his chair and runs upstairs, closing his door behind him with force. I begin to fathom what might be wrong with him, but then my at this point very singular thoughts refocus on a different task. Getting up to pay for the pizza. 
 
 I open the door and a man draped in a black leather coat covering a plain white t-shirt, dark jeans, and with slick greased-back hair enters the house hastily without invitation and without pizza. Instead, the man has with him a duffle bag which he begins unzipping immediately. 
 
 The man barked, `` Shut the damn door!'' 
 
 Feeling very frightened, the effects of the Cannabis clouding my headspace, I complied without hesitation, thoughts reeling through my mind so fast I could n't begin to concentrate on one them long enough to bring sense to my bearing. 
 
 The man in black asked, `` You wanted a cheese pizza with no crust, right?'' 
 
 We nodded our heads in dumbfounded fear as Samuel came springing down the stairs holding a large manilla envelope and saying `` Oh yes sir, we certainly did!'' 
 
 Samuel handed the man the envelope with a flourish and inquired, `` Now where is the pizza?'' 
 
 The man inserted the envelope into his duffle bag, and when his hands emerged he was holding a duct-taped package roughly the size of a Merriam Webster dictionary, giving the parcel to Samuel. Samuel thanked the man, and as quickly as the ominous figure had appeared, he was out the door. 
 
 For a moment, the silence in the room hung like a heavy shroud over all of us, representative of the incomprehensible event that had just transpired. Then Samuel announced to the group, `` Gentleman, what I have here for your pleasure is a gift truly suited for a celebration!'' 
 
 He pulled out a short knife seemingly out of nowhere and drove it straight into the square he held. Upon tearing the knife out, a dusty trail of white powder followed it, and Samuel stuck his nose to the pore that he had just produced, snorting intently. He came back up, eyes wild and with boundless energy behind them. 
 
 Understanding settling over me I stated with a matter of fact air, `` That is cocaine.'' 
 
 Samuel exploded in his exclamation, `` YYYYYYEEEEEESSSSSSS!!!!'' he said, slamming the brick onto the coffee table in front of us all. 
 
 The brick sat there, unmolested for what seemed like an infinity and then Jake, with sad pining in his voice, asked `` So are we actually not getting pizza?'' 
 
 
 
 
 
 

