[ PI ] Noir - 1stChapter - 2100 words

I'll give you definite points for using'in medias res' to come into the middle of a sex scene between two people competing to see who can reach the bottom of the gutter first. At first, it was really hard to figure out what was going on, but once your dialogue warmed up, you sped along nicely. When you eventually come back to do revisions on it, for whatever purpose you give the piece, I would definitely take a good hard look at the perspective on the section that is n't from Kyle's perspective. It was really hard to discern what was happening until after most of the gross-factor shocks had run through in the narrative. 
 
 Also... No matter how many times I re-read “ I actually came back here with you cause, honestly, I kind ’ a thought there was a possibility you might kill me. ” and tried to figure out the context, it looked like he was the one saying it, but the follow up dialogue implied she did. It would have been a nice twist on the usual strong-vs-weak comparison if that had been the case. Huge guy, gristly, carved out of wood and misery, with a death wish for his one night stands. 
 
 All in all... keep it up. With revision, it would be compelling to a very particular kind of audience. Kind of a Fight Club/Choke meets Sin City vibe. I'd read that.
