[ CC ] The Voice

The Voice 
 
'This is n't right.' 
 
 The voice spoke as **I watched^1** my reflection brush my teeth in the mirror. It was so clear, like I had spoken in my own ear**, ^2** that it stopped my hand in its **vigorous movements around my mouth.^3** I glanced at him in the mirror**, ^4** he was fiddling with his tie in the bedroom; struggling with the knot. **Head bent in concentration whistling^5** a snippet of some tune I could n't place. I spat toothpaste **into the sink^6** and shook the thought away. 
 
 It had n't started as a voice at all. It had started- like most things -as a feeling. **A very small, barely there, feeling. A niggle. A twinge. A brief pause in an ongoing conversation.^7** The night it became a whisper I had been lying in bed beside **him.^8** He was on his stomach, facing away, snoring softly. He had been asleep for a good half hour as I lay restless. There was no particular cause -I just was n't an easy sleeper- unlike him. Eventually I drifted into a half sleep. It was in those almost unconscious moments that the whisper came. 
 
'This is n't right.' It **hissed^9** in my ear. 
 
 **My eyes flashed open as my^10** heart thumped painfully against my ribcage. I was staring at the dark curls at the base of his neck on the pillow next to me. **I tried to steady my breathing. I rolled onto my back and regarded the ceiling.^11** **I loved him, did n't I? ^12** 
 
 
 1 - Consider dropping this verb. Just `` The voice spoke as my reflection brushed my teeth in the mirror.'' Adding your `` watching'' is superflous and added by context. Also, it adds a hint of uncertainty to the reader about exactly what you meant with that line, which, in the context of a horror or suspense story may be exactly what you're looking for. 
 
 
 2 - Consider a hard stop here with a period and restructing the following sentence to fit. ``... like I had spoken into my own ear. It stopped my hand...'' 
 
 
 3 - I'd go a bit deeper here. When you break it down into words the act of brushing teeth can be downright creepy. May be a good place to linger `` It stopped my hand and I could feel the harsh stab of the bristles scrape their last against my teeth, chipping and clawing away as they screeched to a halt.'' or something like that. 
 
 
 4 - I suggest a period here instead of a comma. Your call though. 
 
 
 5 - If you're starting a new sentence here it's got to be `` Head bent in concentration, he whistled a snippet...'' Adding that `` he'' gives your sentence a subject. While I understand wht you mean through context this is a point to have a directly noted subject. 
 
 
 6 - Instead of giving us this factual statement `` into the sink'' why not give us something that informs us more about the characters mindset. Physical interactions are often boring, characters are key. Something like, `` I spat toothpaste, a thin filament of salivia and flouride dangling from my mouth to the sink below, and with a snap it broke, and the voice fled my mind.'' Think about it, the things people remember most from books often are n't physical descriptions, but characters. What they are feeling, what they are doing. That's the key. 
 
 
 7 Strangely enough, I think this could benefit from less breaks. This sentence should feel like a hurried explanation from a narrator that is trying to explain everything too quickly to make much sense. It should be like trying to explain falling in love, you so quickly try to go through everything that it's actually left kind of a mess. Try `` A very small feeling, barely there; a niggle, a twinge, a brief pause in an ongoing conversation, a moment, filled with the fraught of failure and humiliation.'' 
 
 
 8 - Unless there is some expert twist coming up, I suggest telling us who `` him'' is at the beginning. Reading further it looks like husband/boyfriend material. I suggest just coming out and saying it at the beginning. 
 
 
 9 - I like this verb, `` hissed'' is excellent. Immediately I'm put into thinking about a biblcal Adamn and Eve and Lucifer, the snake who ruined it all. 
 
 
 10 - You used `` my'' here twice, try and avoid repetition like that unless really done with purpose ( like alliteration ). Try `` Eyes flashed open and I felt my heart thump against my ribcage.'' Mostly we get whose eyes flashed open through the context of the sentence. 
 
 
 11 - Consider flipping the order here `` I rolled onto my back and regarded the ceiling, trying to steady my breathing'' 
 
 
 12 - Even reading it now, this feels big, I'd suggest doing a pargraph break before and after and leaving this as a lone line to read amidst the text. Remember, placement and flow of text is important. Making the user pause, as she probably pauses to get to the next sentence, and then leaving it alone with no follow up for another paragraph lends the words weight without needing to try and fancy up your writing with big words. 
 
 
 Okay, I'm like... 4 vodka and pineapple juices in now, so I'm not too sure I've been making sense, and definitely ca n't continue through the whole piece. Let me summate. 
 
 
 You're writing is good. Good vocabulary, good understanding of flow and pacing, good understanding of character and character development. Lot of good potential there. The only thing I suggest ( and only do this after finishing so you're not constantly rewriting ) give your story a reread every now and again with fresh eyes and see where you can change language or punctuation to improve things. Still, solid.
