[ WP ] Write the letter that you always wanted to , but never did .

Dear Natalie. 
 
 So here I am. Funny how things work, right? Never thought I'd end up penning this letter, but I guess something prompted me to do it. 
 
 I know. I've known ever since it happened what your real motivations were, and you never had me fooled for a second. After you apologized, and said that you were just messing around and did n't mean anything by what do guys did, I knew that was bullshit. I looked you right in the eyes and I did n't want to look away, I saw exactly what you were thinking, because I was thinking it too. 
 
 
 Do n't treat me like I'm naive, I never was even in my deepest innocence. I have n't forgiven you and I do n't think I ever will, I trusted you. I did n't know Dave, but I fucking trusted you. I love you to pieces, but you betrayed me in a way no one ever has, and now no one ever can again. 
 
 
 You know what it felt like, lying on that couch, feeling an empty void in my stomach sucking away everything. I felt unclean, I felt violated. 
 
 
 I was violated. 
 
 
 You did it. You both did it. I've never felt so emasculated, so small. I tower over both of you, I exercise, I work out, I play rugby. I try to embody the ideal man, but I did n't do anything, I was locked in my own body, bound with shock. I felt worthless afterwards. 
 
 
 Some sickening part of me hopes that you two stay together, despite the shit he's done to you, and despite the pain you've caused me, and despite how much I care for you. I want you to explain to your kids that the day mommy and daddy got together they did something dark and terrible. I want to be your fucking family secret. 
 
 
 Because then I'll have something. Anything. Other than a story to share with strangers while I talk away my problems. Other than that thing that was `` oh so me''. Something to go with the whole `` hopeless romantic'' thing I have going. Something to hold on to at night. 
 
 
 With all the love that I can muster and more, your friend, Redrum.
