[ WP ] you are the customs officer for hell

Oh Hell, a shitty place to stay but a pleasant place to work. There were few jobs easier than Customs either. People came in cold, naked and afraid. This, unexpectedly, made searching their possessions a breeze. Yes, as our more theologically informed readers may already have guessed, it is also a rather amazing feat of spiritual skill to be able to carry, let alone conceal anything on one's naked person when one is also both semi-transparant and ethereal, or not-really-in-the-category-of-solid, for the layman. 
 
 The only time it got tough was when demons wanted to get out of Hell,'cause let's face it, even if a demon brought something in who cares, this is Hell. No its only when they try to sneak things out that the job becomes difficult. 
 
 `` So,'' I said, staring over my chic horn-rimmed glasses that ever so nicely complimented my actual horns, `` what have we here?'' Well, I already knew what he had here, it was the Scourge of Jesus. Now, this may seem like a high-and-mighty name, and thats because it was a high and mighty object, the very flagram with which Jesus was whipped shortly before the crucifixion. 
 
 `` Um,'' replied the low-level demon, casting his eyes anywhere but upward, as they might then have stuck to the ceiling, out of his reach, `` some toys for the wife?'' I levelled a cool stare on him. This in itself was difficult, because Hell was rather hot in principle, and cool things were a devil of a thing to have in such a hot place, but it was possible with enough practice. He flinched. 
 
 `` And I suppose this wife of yours left it before she went holidaying on Earth Mr...'' Again, I knew the answer, it was just to make him sweat. Well we were all sweating already but it made him sweat a little more. 
 
 `` Mr Gluttony. Level Three cubicle 667, Gluttony, with two T's.'' I levelled another cool stare. This one had him shrinking into his seat. 
 
 `` So if I were to call Mrs Gluttony 667, she would tell me that she had left the Scourge of Jesus here, and you were bringing it?'' He nodded happily, before realising his mistake. I put the Scourge into a small chute that would send it back to Level Nine, to be filed away by Brutus and Judas, two of Hell's most valued patrons of the theological and heretical arts. Now all that was left was to deal with little Gluttony 667 over here. 
 
 `` Oh Mr Gluttony, do you know the punishment for stealing an unholy relic, for trying to transport it to the human realm, for conspiring an act of heretical treachery?'' Gluttony gulped. 
 
 `` Um, a promotion?'' I laughed. He laughed. I laughed again. He could n't laugh, because I had his lips firmly gripped with my hand. I laughed again. He cried. 
 
 `` No Mr Gluttony, I'm afraid that you will now be forced to watch the entirety of human recreational television and film, only to have all the good parts spoiled by Ryan Seacrest, who will sit directly behind you and breathe down your neck.'' 
 
 `` No, please. Nooooooooooooooo!'' echoed the ever so satisfying screams of the poor demon as he was dragged to the Room of Cosmic Disappointment. The stamp came down, the file was put away, and I turned once again to the line of souls meandering in from the gates to scream `` Next! ``.
