[ WP ] `` God '' is actually two people : one who is omnipotent but not omniscient , and the other who is omniscient but not omnipotent . They both hate each other .

Pie always makes things better. At least pie always makes Joshua feel better. Today, it's pumpkin pie ('t is the season, after all ) that Gretchen slides onto the laminate table next to his water glass. 
 
 `` Hey hun, can I get you anything else? How about a refresher on that water? It looks a little off color...''. 
 Joshua put a hand on the glass protectively: `` oh, no, please it's fine. I just perfected my Zinfandel and I really....'' 
 From his pocket, a chorus of a thousand angels suddenly poured forth, accompanied by the familiar'zzzzzzt zzzzzzt zzzzzt' of a vibrating phone. Joshua shuffled a hand around in his robes until he pulled out a white smartphone, and he let out a long, sigh that seemed to say'peace be unto me, please, just this once' as the screen flashed'Dad'. He looked Gretchen in the eyes; she was wiping tears of joy, shock, and wonder from her face ( Joshua knew he really needed a different ringtone for dirtside ), and gently said `` No, thanks I'm fine.'' 
 
 Joshua clicked the'answer' key, raised the phone to his ear, and said `` Look, Dad, I've told you a thousand times...... no, I will not call him just to tell him that. That is petty and you know it...... No, I will not do that either...... if Daddy wants to talk, he will do so- he knows where you are...... oh, no. I was there for the last family dinner and you were just as bad...'' a dapper gentleman in white appears in the booth across from Joshua with a soft thud. Joshua looks up at the man and rolls his eyes. `` Oh, me fucking me.'' 
 
 `` Is that him? Is that P? It is, is n't it?'' Said the gentleman. 
 `` You know damn well that it is, Daddy. You...... yes Dad, Daddy is here. I know, just...... No, I... fuck it.'' Joshua pushed the'end call' button and slammed the phone on the table. 
 `` That was n't...'''Daddy' promptly received an index finger in his face in the'wait one second, dammit' kind of way while Joshua chugged his'water'. Only after the glass was drained did Joshua lower his hand. He looked Daddy square in the eyes and said `` you have five seconds before this phone starts ringing again. What. Happened. This time?'' 
 Daddy caught his breath for a moment, thought out his words carefully, and finally said, `` He started it.'' 
 
 Joshua slammed his forehead onto the laminate table top and stayed there as he let out a low `` Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.'' A chorus of a thousand angels blasted in his ear and he could feel the zzzzt zzzzt zzzzt on his forehead through the table. Joshua popped up, grabbed his phone, and chucked it through the window. He then looked Daddy square in the eyes and said `` Go get him. Now.'' Daddy began to mumble something about'unnecessary' and touchy'... `` NOW, DADDY.''. With two quick pops, Daddy disappeared and reappeared with Dad in tow. 
 
 In this moment, Joshua mentally stepped back and surveyed the scene: there were his two fathers, red in the face, sassing at each other and each pleading with him about how the other one was wrong. 
 `` No, stop. SHUT UP!'' Shouted Joshua. `` I'm done with this! You two know you need each other, but you refuse to see past the respective hairs up your respective asses! I am done! Split or stay together, I do n't care! I DO N'T CARE. I am so and completely done with this. I am going to stay with Uncle Lu, call me when you figure your shit out. BUT NOT ONE SECOND BEFORE.'' With a pop, Joshua disappeared, leaving his two fathers stunned and an uneaten piece of pie on the table. 
 
 Bewildered, they stare at each other for a few seconds before Omnipresence looks Omnipotence in the eye and mutters, `` well, you did start it.''
