[ WP ] A modern day witch curses someone you know : `` May your life be as difficult as those people in infomercials ''

`` That was an amazing meal, Josh,'' Mary's brown eyes sparkled with possibility, excitement, that Josh could palpably feel. He smiled back. 
 
 He just wanted things to _work_, for once in his life. They'd been going well so far, because Mary had only arrived fifteen minutes ago for dinner at Josh's place, not much time to mess things up, even for Josh. Boy, had he suggested this without thinking. Before Mary had arrived, Josh had managed to break seven plates because plates are really slippery and he did n't have _The New Fabulous Smart-Grip Plates_^TM. He spilled two glasses of juice because he did n't have _Baby's Spill-Proof Sippy Cups_^TM, or, wait, was it because he did n't have the _EZ Pour Funnel, Juice Edition_^TM? Sometimes it was hard to know for sure. He could n't even clean up the mess, because he did n't have any Oxi Clean left and he'd lent his ShamWow to a friend. Several minor kitchen fires later, he had dinner waiting on the table, and since Mary was fashionably late, she had n't witnessed any of Josh's humiliating klutziness. Yet. 
 
 ``... Too bad I could n't eat all of it! I'm super full. Is there any way you could put this in your fridge for me, and I'll get it when I go home?'' 
 
 `` Oh. Of course.'' 
 
 Josh's hands, covered with faded scarring from years of accidents with paring knifes and potato peelers, trembled slightly. 
 
 He managed to sweep up Mary's plate and take it to the kitchen without dropping or tipping it. He concentrated on setting the plate down, facial muscles twitching with agonized focus. Success. All those hours of watching wait staff and hospitality training videos was finally starting to pay off. _See the plate. Be the plate._ Okay, so, now all he had to do was get a Tupperware container out of the cabinet, open the lid, put the food in the container, replace the lid, and put the leftovers in the refrigerator. He felt his breath become a little ragged, and fought to control it through his nose. 
 
 Alright. Open the cabinet. 
 
 He wrapped his hand around the handle like a seasoned pro, and smirked to himself. Even without the _Man Handle Deluxe_^TM — a series of jumbo handles adaptable anywhere from drawers to car doors, which he really needed for his hands, which were in fact larger than a woman's and thus in need of larger handles to open things — Josh had successfully `` handled'' it. 
 
 He opened the cabinet, and before he could react, an avalanche of Tupperware came crashing down in his face. Surrounded by fallen Tupperware, Josh felt so defeated. Like, objectively, he knew it was n't a big deal, and that Mary would n't care at all, but it broke the seal, the first of a long line of fumbles and failures that ultimately had cost him all his relationships. After the third hot cocoa spilled in someone's lap, the fifth time nearly strangling himself to death in a Generic Brand Non-_Snuggie_^TM wearable blanket, and the second time killing a beloved dog with a shock collar not given _Sparky's Stamp of Approval_, he could n't blame somebody for giving up on him. 
 
 One may wonder why did n't Josh own these products, if they would have made life so much easier for him. If they would have turned the metaphorical `` black-and-white filter with a red X superimposed over it'' that was his daily life, into a Technicolor paradise where nothing bad ever happens. Well, for one, he just did n't have the money. Even if the product had an actual retail value of $ 150, that did n't mean he could afford the two easy payments of $ 19.95. Plus, there were so many infomercials on every channel, how was he supposed to keep up with all of them? Lastly, he had to maintain some semblance of dignity — a lot of these products, like the _Tupper-Tower_^TM, were just plain bullshit, and he'd let himself drown under a million tons of falling Tupperware before he'd buy a stupid contraption like that. 
 
 `` Uh, whoops,'' Josh turned around to face Mary, but it looked like she'd never followed him into the kitchen. 
 
 `` Josh! This is super embarrassing, can you help me?'' he heard her voice from down the hall. 
 
 As he went down the hall ( tripping on a floor divider and hitting his head on a wall lamp along the way ), he saw Mary's head poking out of the bathroom door and smelled the unmistakable smell of shit. 
 
 Mary shook her head violently from side to side, which was funny-looking as it appeared disembodied by the door. 
 
 `` I'm so sorry, Josh, I think I clogged your toilet, and I tried to use your plunger, but it was n't working,'' Mary's verbal diarrhea spilled out in a nervous bluster. 
 
 `` Do n't worry about it, I'll see what I can do!'' Josh laughed and went in to survey the damage. It was pretty horrendous — shit implausibly splashed everywhere, even on the wall of the shower, it looked like it had inexplicably gotten behind the shower curtain too. 
 
 `` No, no, this is my mess. I'm sure I can fix it, if I can just—'' Mary sidestepped in front of Josh, giving him a good look at her posterior as she retrieved the sodden plunger from the floor. Damn. Not bad. Her tight _Pajama Jeggings_^TM really showcased her perfectly-formed, supple ass. 
 
 She took the plunger and began thrusting into the toilet. Her hands worked up and down the shaft of the plunger, as she tried and tried with no avail to unclog the toilet. She got down on her knees and placed the plunger in all different positions, suction noises ringing out as she jammed and ripped it away. She jiggled and fumbled the toilet tank handle with her free hand. Josh felt himself becoming shamefully erect, and his skin flushed red, which was the only thing around here that was flushing. Was it because of the lascivious motions Mary was making against the loo, or was he just turned on by finally finding another like himself? 
 
 Panting, Mary exhaled a sweaty lock of hair out of her face. She gave Josh a conciliatory half-smile. 
 
 `` Has this ever happened to you?'' 
 
 Josh was floored. He'd heard that expression somewhere before, but he just could n't recall where. He stuttered, tongue dry, trying to fight through the disbelief. Disbelief of what, he was n't sure. 
 
 Mary took a step towards him, perhaps seeing something in his eyes, a purity of emotion, heart on his sleeve. She moved her head imperceptibly forward. He moved his. They slowly found one another's lips, tongues mingling warmly, a nice sensory reprieve from the smell of dank jenkem around them. Meanwhile, the sink sprang a leak and the shower curtain rod fell. 
 
 `` Yes, this has happened to me,'' Josh whispered. It was something he could safely say, as this exact same scenario had indeed happened to him in exactly this way, minus the burning hot sensuality, and also last time the plunger handle got stuck inside the hollow end of the shower rod. 
 
 Which had n't happened now. Yet. 
 
 He was sure they'd find a way to make it happen, together.
