[ WP ] Teleportation is finally invented . Your friend is one of the first people to use it . After coming out on the other side , the more time you spend with him , the more you realize that this is not your friend

It was the craziest thing. 
 
 We were talking about what boobs feel like with the episode of SpongeBob where Plankton switches lives with Mr. Krabs on in the background last Friday evening when we heard a Dysen commercial come on asking for product testers. But it was n't for a new special vacuum cleaner with twice the suction power... no, this was asking for people to come test their new teleporters. Apparently they had stumbled upon a discovery that would put Ford and Boeing and a thousand other companies out of business forever - the key to teleportation. It had something to do with velocity and vacuums or some shit. 
 
 Anyway, my buddy Jim's like shit that would be cool, I think I'm gon na call that number and see about being put up as a product tester. So he calls and they're like alright man come on down to our warehouse at 8pm next Thursday and we will give you either a hundred bucks or a hundred ten dollars coupon for our online store to walk through this little portal. Apparently when he does that it'll shoot him over to Houston and then he walks back through and bam, he's teleported to Texas and back. He follows through with it, which was the biggest mistake of his life. When he's done I call his cell phone and ask if he wants to grab a burrito and he says hell yeah. 
 
 We meet at the Bitchin Burrito which literally has the most bitchin burritos you've ever put near your mouth and we're going through the line and I start noticing some weird shit. First of all, Jim orders the regular tortilla, and in all my days I know Jim's a chipotle tortilla guy. I do n't think much of it though because I know he's been saying he wanted to expand his horizon so whatever. When he ordered sour cream I was like what the fuck dude you said last week you'd rather eat a plastic bag than the tiniest bit of sour cream, so I'm starting to get concerned. 
 
 We sit down and start eating and then that's when I find out. Jim asks me how I'm liking A Feast for Crows even though Jim loaned me his Clash of Kings audiobook 6 days before. So I'm like `` Dammit Jim first the sour cream and now this, what the fuck has happened to you?'' 
 
 And he's like `` Dude my name is Carl.'' 
 
 Apparently the teleporter never teleported Jim back, but it did teleport over a different blind guy with a blind friend who sounds exactly like me. 
 
 Everything got set right by Dysen and they got Jim and Carl back home, but Bitchin Burrito got shut down two days later because some rancid sour cream gave someone mad cow disease. And that is the story of how Dysen fucked up teleporting Jim back home, causing him to miss his last chance to get the best burrito ever wrapped.
