[ WP ] The world 's best hitman prepares to kill the world 's luckiest man .

The decibel monitor went into orange territory as Agent Mod gave an imperceptible groan. That was a close one, he thought. Mod was suspended by a rope from the ceiling duct, deep in CIA headquarters, in a room with sirens for sound, footsteps, or body heat. Not much time left, but he grabbed what he was there for. His sexy partner, Leathernatrix, quietly pulled Agent Mod back up, the shiny quantum computer CPU in his hands. 
 
 `` Alright, we got it!'' said Grim, back at headquarters. `` Great work, everyone! Mod, brief them on the plan from here on.'' 
 
 `` Alright, everyone!'' said Mod. `` As you know, our target is this man,'' a jovial looking man appeared on the screen, goofy grin on his face. `` The luckiest man in the world. We've tried shooting him. The guns always jammed. We've tried blowing up his car. It got towed. Hell, we pumped poison gas into an entire convention center. Bastard was outside having a smoke. But this,'' Mod patted the quantum CPU, `` this little weapon here makes luck obsolete.'' 
 
 Q., the team's scientist, piped in. `` In the early twentieth century, scientists discovered the physical laws behind luck.'' The screen now showed a cartoon representation of the double-slit experiment. `` Quantum mechanics. Some people, it turns out, are very strong observers. They're such strong observers, that the path of least energy is for waveforms to collapse in such a way that people like them survive. It's not that there's really anything magical about it. All potential universes exist, it's just that the ones where these guys survive form a kind of natural attractor.'' 
 
 `` That'll do,'' said Mod. `` The important part is this. This quantum CPU acts as a rival against our lucky target. By making observations even stronger than the mark's, the CPU will diminish his advantage. Fill in the trough, so to speak.'' 
 
 `` But only a little bit,'' added Q. `` The technology's still in its infancy. The plan will only work when our target's attention is extremely low. Fortunately,'' now the screen shifted to show a New York university hospital building, `` our target is scheduled to undergo elective surgery under general anesthetic. In exactly one week...'' 
 
 Just then the phone rang. Dom picked it up, listened for a minute. Then jumped up as if startled. `` Plan's changed, everyone! They've rescheduled the surgery! He's going under in twenty minutes!!!'' 
 
 The team's spymobile crashed over the divider, there was no time to lose. `` Sniper, are you at your position??'' Dom screamed into his cellphone. Meanwhile, Hacker was frantically banging at keys, trying to break the quantum CPU password. 
 
 `` Negative!'' Sniper whispered, peeking around the corner of a window ledge. `` Bloody window cleaner!'' 
 
 `` Hang on,'' said Dom, thinking fast. `` Leathernatrix! How fast can you get there in the chopper?'' 
 
 In the operating room, Dr. Chong was putting on his surgical gloves. `` This will be quick and painless, Mr. Lucky,'' he said. `` This anesthetic will make sure you do n't feel a thing.'' The nurse squeezed a jet of water out of the syringe provocatively. 
 
 `` Dammit!!'' said Hacker. `` It ai n't working! They're using some kind of 32-bit cryptosystem on this CPU!'' 
 
 Dom looked over his shoulder. Hacker was typing like mad, entering password after password, none of them working. `` Wait a second,'' said Dom, scratching his chin. `` Open Wikipedia. Quickly, what's the CIA director's daughter's name? And what's her birthday? Goddammit, hurry up, stupid internet!'' 
 
 Outside the skyscraper, Jimbo the window cleaner whistled as he worked. Jimbo loved to clean windows, it was his passion. Suddenly, a lithe figure dropped deftly onto the platform beside him. `` Hey, baby,'' it was Leathernatrix, in her sexiest leather outfit. She licked his ear. `` How about we take a break from cleaning these windows and you show me your janitor's closet?'' 
 
 Back in the van, a sharp turn threw Hacker's fingers off, causing him to typo. `` Dammit!'' he said. `` Try again,'' said Dom. Without much conviction, Hacker typed in the CIA director's daughter's birthdate.'Access Granted'! The whole van cheered. `` Sniper, are you in position??'' 
 
 Now back to the operating room. `` What a wonderful surgery, gentlemen,'' said Dr. Chong. `` Mr. Lucky here really is a lucky man! Alright, let's bring him back up.'' But just as the anesthesiologist was stepping toward the patient, the window shattered. Mr. Lucky was shot in the head! 
 
 `` Good work, team,'' Agent Dom said, a short time later, the whole team assembled around him in a grassy field. The whole team minus one, that is. `` Where the hell is Leathernatrix?'' Dom said, looking around. There she was, way over there on one of the park benches. `` Looks like some of us got a little something extra out of this hit,'' Dom said, `` and I think we might have identified the world's next Luckiest Man.'' Leathernatrix was sharing the bench with Jimbo the window cleaner, the two were necking passionately.
