[ WP ] An alien explorer unknowingly find himself in the middle of a orbital war above Earth . What happens next ?

If I were back on my homeworld, I would compare my situation to navigating a rower through the thousand-foot waves of the planetary ocean, without being able to use the respirator on board. I guess I could still make that comparison, but there is no one else in my Starboat to hear it. 
 
 “ I feel like a rower in the planetary ocean. ” 
 
 There is no response from the empty room. I sigh. 
 
 I am caught between a battle of two fleets. The cylindrical ‘ Hellships ’ of the Demon Empire seem to be conducting some kind of pincer attack on the quickly darting ‘ Pearly Gates ’ of the Archangel Coalition. The Demons shoot jets of air from their ships that they set on actual fire. It always seemed troublesome to me. The Archangels tend to use regular lasers, most of which harmlessly bounce off of the mirror studded hulls of their enemies ’ spacecrafts. 
 
 “ Okay. I ’ m guessing that this time it ’ s the Angels that want to destroy this planet ’ s race, and it ’ s the Demons that want to enslave them, ” I say to the empty cabin. It doesn ’ t respond, again. 
 
 I took a pledge of nonviolence when I started this voyage. So, I probably shouldn ’ t fire on either fleet, even though I could probably win. But neither of these races use electronics or magnetics for biological function. So it should be okay if I use my EMP. I press the button on my control panel, and both fleets grind to a halt. 
 
 Two of my communicator screens buzz to life, and I find myself looking at the winged figure of an Archangel on one and the winged figure of a Demon on the other. 
 
 “ What is your business, captain? ” the Angel asks. 
 
 “ Why are you fighting over this primitive planet? ” I answer. 
 
 “ We need this planet empty for our colonists, ” the Demon answers. “ We need this race working for our colonists, ” the Angel answers. 
 
 Oh, I guess I was wrong. 
 
 “ Answer my question, Titan, ” the Angel demands. 
 
 I open one of the books bolted onto on my dashboard. “ Um... I hereby declare, in the name of the Nautilus Council and the blah blah blah, with the power of blah blah blah, that this planet is forthmore off-limits to colonization, slavery, mining, farming, interference, etc. etc. to allow the development of its primitive blah blah blah. Any offenders will be subject to blah and blah blah. ” I look up at the annoyed faces represented on my screens, and do my best not to crack a smile. “ I have spoken. ” 
 
 The two faces nod, and the screens blink dead. It strikes me how similar they are. The fleets turn, and move off in different directions into deep space. 
 
 “ Holy shit! ” I start as a huge wormhole blinks into existence between them, consuming one ship from each fleet. What an anomaly! That will be so hard to explain to the council. And I really, really hope that wormhole didn ’ t go to the past. Last time that happened near a primitive world, the species ended up creating some kind of religion... 
 
 *** 
 
 *In 1561, citizens of Nuremberg, Germany reported seeing “ crosses and tubes fighting one another ” in the sky. The event has never been explained, yet many believe it to have been an episode of a war in heaven. *
