[ WP ] Write the letter that you always wanted to , but never did .

The following is based on the reality of my life... 
 
 ( 2003 ) 
 Dear, 
 
 Today I broke your heart. Turns out I broke my own as well. I was sorry instantly, but I could not undo what I had done. 
 
 We had something wonderful, but it was too much for me. I have realized that I need to figure out what is broken inside and fix it. You deserve to have a love that is stable, not this mess coming from my insides. 
 
 I am going to get healthy, it is going to be my mission. The thought that I can get healthy enough to be with you is the dream that will support me through facing my painful childhood head on. 
 
 Stay safe, I need you to stick around. You always dreamed of dying in battle, but I had been able to convince you of dreaming of dying old with me. You were always going to join the army, but you enlisted just a month after I left you. You had better keep your word. 
 
 Though I can not tell you, since I have to let you go for now, you had better be here when I am the healthy woman you deserve. You are a part of my heart and soul. 
 
 Always Yours 
 
 -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- 
 
 ( 2006 ) 
 Dear, 
 
 While it was a painful three years, I have done it! Therapy two times a week, and some of my own extreme methods pulled out my childhood memories and I faced them. It was scary and painful, but you were always in my thoughts as my motivation. 
 
 Sometimes a month was so rough I would send you an email for support, you know, because you never hated me even though I had left. You would always respond with kind words and support. When you could see the pain in my words, you would send me such love it would bring me to tears that you could still be so kind to me. You are the only person who would never get mad at me because you knew how much it would scare and hurt me. 
 
 You would get frustrated sure, but you would never get mad. In response to an email from my darkest time, you sent me an email with the most supportive loving sentence `` TINTHIO you, AYSMST me.'' Those words mean the world to me, and they always will. 
 
 When I knew I was ready, I decided to tell you even though you had moved on and had a girlfriend. Waiting to hear your response was brutal... but your love for me was still alive! You ended your relationship and we began to speak on the phone daily, since you were still stationed in the middle of the country. I can not describe the peace in my soul and the joy in my heart being with you as a healthy adult has brought me. I listened to your puns with love, and laughter about how damned ridiculous they were and how much you loved them. 
 
 I miss you. You wo n't remember this part of the story, but while I waited for you to pick me up for the first time in three years, my heart blossomed. Then after waiting for two hours I left you a frustrated voicemail. After four hours of waiting I gave in and called your parent's. 
 
 Turns out I am no longer not -broken, turns out I am shattered. My heart died with you in the car crash to the airport to come home. I thought my childhood was pain.... Turns out I was wrong. I considered ending it so I could join you, but you understand I have to stay to be here for my little brother and sister. 
 
 I decided that your heart lives in me now, and mine is buried with you. I am no longer the same.... I even changed my handwriting to all caps, so that my outer world would change with my inner world. 
 
 Some have tried to tell me it is good you died before our love died... Can you believe that? I laughed, not everyone marries their high school love, but we were made for each other. It took a long time, but now I can smile. I miss you constantly, but I can keep this inside. 
 
 It has been almost ten years since you left me now, I still hold out my hand when I am alone to pretend I am holding your hand, just in case you can. I still write different and I still feel this hole in my soul. 
 
 But I live, and one day I will find out if I can meet you again. I could go on for hours and thousands of words about my love for you, but I must move on. For you, I end this with the following: 
 
 Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside. 
 
 Forever Yours
