[ WP ] The Devil tries to sell his soul to you

“ Let me get this straight, ” I said, leaning back in my chair to take in the glorious clusterfuck of person standing before me. “ You are the Devil. Satan, Lucifer, Beelzeboss. The master of all evil, the Beast from below. You are the one and only incarnation of absolute despair and horrific torture. ” 
 
 The bearded man twitched, nodded, wiped his nose with his thumb. 
 
 “ And you ’ re broke. ” 
 
 “ Penniless as the day I was born, ” the Devil said. 
 
 “ The day you were -- ” I shook my head. “ Why on Earth would the Devil need money? ” 
 
 “ Well, ‘ on Earth ’ is where you ’ re wrong, ” the Devil said. “ The place I ’ d be spending it would be Hell, obviously. Economy ’ s really crashing hard down there, see. ” 
 
 “ And how exactly would earthly money be any help in that scenario? ” 
 
 The Devil shrugged. “ The rules of Heaven and Hell are… really a lot different than people think. ” 
 
 “ Oh, really? What ’ s the exchange rate between the Euro and the Hell Dollar? ” 
 
 “ Actually, there is no ‘ Hell Dollar. ’ We deal in souls. ” 
 
 I blinked. “ Obviously. ” My eyes narrowed as I realized what that meant. “ So if I actually paid you to acquire your soul… you would have to exchange that money into souls, right? You ’ d go around and use it to buy other people ’ s souls, which you can then use as currency in Hell. ” 
 
 The Devil nodded. “ Precisely. ” 
 
 I threw up my hands in speechless exasperation. 
 
 “ Look, ” the Devil said, “ If you don ’ t want to pay for it, there are other methods of trade. Do you perchance play the fiddle? We could fiddle for each others ’ souls, if you ’ d -- ” 
 
 “ No, I don ’ t play the fucking fiddle! ” The Devil flinched slightly at my outburst. “ What is up with you, anyway? Aren ’ t you supposed to be some kind of huge, horned beast with goat hoofs? Aren ’ t you supposed to be going around, killing babies or… something? ” 
 
 “ K-killing babies? ” the Devil said. “ That ’ s a bit dark, don ’ t you think? ” 
 
 I stared at him, incredulous. “ I ’ m talking to a crazy hobo off the street again, aren ’ t I? ” I murmured. “ I got ta stop doing that… ” 
 
 “ No, no, ” the Devil said. “ I assure you, I am one hundred percent authentic fallen angel. ” 
 
 “ Then why are you so… unimposing? ” 
 
 “ Look, ” the Devil said, eyelid twitching, fingers fidgeting. “ Demons need souls to feed the fires of rage and hatred within them. I am the top demon, so I need… a lot of souls. So right now, as I am completely broke, and I have no souls to feed on, I… am kind of a weakling. ” 
 
 “ Yeah, ” I snorted. “ Not an understatement at all. ” I rubbed my temples, trying to make sense of the situation and calm my nerves. 
 
 “ So you want me to buy your soul for, what, a couple thousand dollars, and -- ” 
 
 “ A couple hundred would be fine, actually. ” 
 
 “ Well, don ’ t drive the price down, you idiot! ” I said. “ You haven ’ t even made your case yet! ” 
 
 “ Sorry, ” he said. “ Look, let me make this offer a little more attractive to you. ” 
 
 “ Oh, yeah, please do. ” 
 
 “ A demon ’ s soul is somewhat different from that of a human or angel. It contains the unholy power that drives us, but it also needs to bet kept alive through the sacrifice of other souls. Now, if you owned my soul, I would be forever bound to your being. I would not be able to do a thing without your consent, and if you wanted me to die, all you ’ d have to do was stop feeding my soul. ” 
 
 “ Uh-huh, ” I said. “ So if I wanted you to die, thus freeing this world and the next of your tyranny and preventing the biblical apocalypse, I could just… do that? ” 
 
 “ Yes. ” 
 
 “ Huh. ” That seemed a little too good to be true. There was no way the Devil was desperate enough to put his very existence into the hands of a mortal. *The soul would probably corrupt me*, I thought. *He knows I won ’ t kill him, because the power of his soul would consume me and force me to do his will. * Despite his meek appearance, he was still trying to trick me. I would not fall for it. 
 
 “ But! ” The Devil held up a finger and pulled me out of my train of thought. “ There are bonuses! If you owned my soul, you would gain various superhuman powers, including flight, super strength, telekinesis… anything, really! ” 
 
 “ Leave my apartment, ” I said. “ Go find someone else to harass, Lucifer. I ’ m not biting. ” 
 
 He hesitated, then nodded. “ Very well. ” Slowly, he padded backward, but stopped at the door. “ You would receive incredible power, ” he said. “ Greater than your wildest fantasies. ” 
 
 “ Damn it, demon! ” I slammed my hand on the table. “ Tell me one thing, then! ” 
 
 He raised an eyebrow. “ Yes? ” 
 
 “ Would I get laser vision? ” 
 
 “ I… I ’ m not sure what you mean. ” 
 
 “ Would I be able to shoot lasers out of my eyes? ” 
 
 The Devil smirked hesitantly. “ Yes. Yes, you would. ” 
 
 “ Hmm. ” I scratched my chin. Then, I sighed, and waved at him dismissively. “ Fine. I ’ ll think about it. ” 
 
 -- -- - 
 
 Edit: typo
