[ PI ] You 're the lone survivor of a zombie apocalypse simply because zombies are n't interested in you .

Well, I guess now I know how ghosts felt if they actually exist, which since zombies apparently do, I ca n't see why they do n't. I watched a Zombie couple walk by holding hands. It always weirded me out when they did human stuff, which had slowly been starting to happen over the past five years. Did people get better from `` Zombie''? They seemed to be. The other night I caught one in the home appliance section of a Best Buy staring at a TV like it was showing something other than a blank screen. Force of habit, I guess. Maybe in another 20 years they might actually turn back into humans. God, that's gon na be a mess. 
 
 It hurt at first, not being noticed. Totally took me back to freshman year of high school leaning against the wall in the gym. Nobody wanted to dance with me then, and no one wanted to bite me now. At the end, when there were only 3 of us left alive, I actually felt myself get jealous when they would get bit. I have to admit when Tammy got bit it was the worst. She was hot, and I was, literally, the last man left on Earth. I thought that was going to go somewhere. Not so much now. Do n't get me crossed here. I considered necrophilia, but gross... just way to gross... especially after Tammy lost her last leg to stand on. 
 
 That was 20 years ago. I was 26. Now would be the time of my mid life crisis, assuming this was any kind of life at all, which it is n't. No new music, except me and my limited ukelele skills, and, to be completely honest, my original composition `` I Want To Rot [ Just Like You ]'' was a tad on the derivative side. I got a harsh critical review from myself in my self published newspaper The Daily Human. It was almost as bad as the review of my movie `` Suck It, You Zombie Bastards'', which to be fair was basically a remake of Die Hard, but with Zombies. Life without other humans was so much more horrifying than life with Zombies. 
 
 For a few years I wondered if I really was the last person left alive, but a few years spent trying every form of communication left to me had convinced me that for some reason I was special. Why could n't I have won the lottery or something? Why did it have to be `` Repellant to Zombies''? When there was no reason left to live what was the point? Every day was a repetitive dance. Ever have that dream where your the only person not wearing clothes? Well, this is that, but with a pulse. 
 
 I watched the Zombie Couple holding hands stumble down the street further. How much longer would it be before someone would slowly shake the virus? Would it go backwards? Because, honestly, if Tammy was coming back, I would still hit that, legs or no legs, I should n't be such a judgmental dick. With my luck it would probably be the first infected person. Imagine all the fun I'm going to have holding down a conversation with a Russian cosmonaut whose spent the last however many years craving brains? Awesome. Fuck you, Zombie Virus. Fuck you, so much.
