[ WP ] One day your guardian angel appears and tells you about all the kick-ass protection you 've been getting .

I woke up to what I thought was sunlight, rolled over, squinted at the clock. 3:33 AM. *What... * 
 
 I forced my eyes open before they'd fully adjusted, and *oh my god* there was someone in my room. `` What the fuck?!'' I yelled, trying to jump out of bed and only succeeding in getting my legs tangled in the sheets. 
 
 The man turned to face me, and at that moment I realized he had n't just turned my light on or anything. No, he was glowing -- a bright white, fluorescent sort of glow that made it hard to look directly at him. I could n't even get a clear look at his features. I'm pretty sure he was naked, too, but I could n't tell and was n't about to ask. 
 
 `` Oh, you're awake,'' he said in a voice that reverberated in my ears. `` And already cursing.'' 
 
 `` I -- what?'' I pulled my legs out from the covers, wishing that I'd slept in one of my less raggedy pairs of boxers. `` Get out of my apartment!'' 
 
 `` Relax, Alan,'' the man said, spreading his arms with his palms facing me. `` I'm just here to chat. The big guy and me, we have n't heard much from you lately. Did n't see you at church last week, Alan.'' 
 
 `` The hell are you talking about? Why are you in my bedroom?'' I frantically patted my bedsheets, looking for my cellphone. 
 
 `` I'm always in your apartment, Alan,'' the man said. `` I go everywhere with you. I'm your guardian angel, see.'' 
 
 I shook a finger at him. `` That is... that is just bullshit, man. You come in here with your... glow-in-the-dark skin paint or whatever the fuck, trying to freak me out... I'm calling the cops!'' 
 
 The man chuckled. `` With what? This?'' He produced my cell from nowhere and held it up. `` The phone you almost dropped in the toilet yesterday? You got real lucky, did n't you?'' 
 
 `` Hey, give that back!'' 
 
 He set the phone down on the dresser behind him. `` I do a lot for you, Alan. You'd be surprised,'' he said. `` But lately I'm feeling prrretty unappreciated. You do n't go to church, you do n't pray, you listen to the devil's music...'' 
 
 `` Did my mom put you up to this?'' 
 
 He ignored me. `` It almost makes me want to just... leave you to your own devices. Would you like that, Alan? Maybe the next time you leave the oven on overnight, I just let natural selection take its course?'' 
 
 `` Wh -- I've never left the oven on! Sometimes I thought I did, but...'' This was ridiculous, I had to do something. Damn it, why had n't I gotten around to buying a gun? 
 
 `` Trust me, Alan,'' the man said, leaning back against the wall, `` you do n't want to be without our protection. It would be *such* a shame if anything were to happen to you, or all these nice things of yours.'' He knocked my record player off the dresser with a casual sweep of his arm, letting it smash on the floor. `` Oops.'' 
 
 `` Hey, come on, man! I've had that since high school!'' I had to get rid of this guy before things escalated further. `` Okay, je -- uh, gosh darn it, I'll go to flipping church, okay? I'll even wear my good shirt. We cool?'' 
 
 The man grinned. His teeth were even brighter than the rest of him. `` That's wonderful, Alan. We look forward to seeing you there. And I *know* you wo n't forget to bring a little something for the collection plate.'' He walked across the room toward me, leaned in close. `` *Understand? *'' 
 
 `` Absolutely! Uh, praise Jesus!'' I said, shielding my face with both arms. 
 
 `` Good.'' And with that, the man and the light were gone.
