[ WP ] You are an omnipotent god . Out of boredom you decided to live an ordinary human life vowing not to use your power . 15 years has pass and you have a 9 to 5 working for a major tech company . Your boss has been tormenting you for years and you have reach your limit

I am ever present. I am omniscient. I am omnipotent. I am the all the mighty one, the all powerful god, Steve. You have heard of me right? No? Never? Well, don ’ t feel too bad I suppose; nobody has. There are no temples to Steve, no weeping supplicants begging for Steve ’ s favor, no holidays to celebrate the terrible and wonderful Steve. But I ’ ll tell you one thing: there fucking should be, for I hold dominion over something near and dear to every single one of you reading this. 
 
 How did I come to find myself in this unenviable position? That all comes down to a cruel prank pulled by the one now known as Zeus. The morning names and powers were assigned, that cruel asshat snuck into my room and bound me to my bed with an unbreakable chain. During the ceremony the names and powers were handed out one by one, and of course all the cool ones were taken: Loki, Thor, Krishna, Ra. By the time I finally got out of those damned chains it was all over, and I was forced to take whatever was left over. Thus it was that I became the all mighty Steve, god of human bodily functions. The time that girl never called again because during the date you ripped one so loud it rattled your chair, that was Steve. When you had diarrhea and missed the big meeting, and Debra got the promotion instead of you, the power of Steve in action. Ladies, ever wondered why having kids hurts so much? Yup, you guessed, all Steve. 
 
 So yeah, you ’ ve never heard of me, and I guarantee you ’ ve never seen a single temple in the shape of a giant toilet. And yeah, you ’ ve probably already guessed that among the gods I ’ m a bit of a laughingstock. But being the Lord of Bowel Movements has given me certain other boons which the other gods can not fathom, chief among these: the ability to take more shit than the rest of them combined, both literally and figuratively. About fifteen years ago I devised a contest among the gods which I was sure to win, and finally earn the respect I deserve. The rules were simple, live as an ordinary human and work a normal 9-5 job. The one able to do so the longest would be the winner. I knew the other gods ’ pride would not allow them to reject the challenge, and I also knew my secret power of patheticness would be sure to make me the winner. I ’ d spent millennia walked all over by divine beings, what would a human boss have that could compare to that? 
 
 And at first I was completely right. Zeus lasted less than two hours before duct taping a fork to his boss ’ hand, jamming it into the break room toaster and screaming “ taste the lightning bitch! ” Think what Thor did to the frost giants was bad? You should see what Mjolnir does to a 5 ’ 2 ” middle manager with an attitude problem. And remember the Space Shuttle Columbia disaster? Happened right after some astronaut told Hermes that his shoes looked stupid. 
 
 Lately things haven ’ t been going quite so well, and I know it ’ s that bastard Zeus ’ fault. Ever since he lost he ’ s been subtly influencing my boss into making my life a living hell, but lately he ’ s really been ratcheting up the torment. It started with small things, he ’ d ask me to work a weekend here, he ’ d short my paycheck there, and for the last ten years he ’ s called me ‘ Sean ’ instead of Steve. Then things got worse: he started buying me vanilla cake for my birthday, he couldn ’ t remember my name but he could someone remember that I hated vanilla. Who the hell even likes vanilla? Well, maybe Dionysis, but he ’ s always so drunk he ’ d eat anything. Eventually the entire office stopped celebrating my birthday completely. Then he started making me work overtime without extra pay, and taking credit for all of my accomplishments. Fine, I would smile and take it, thinking all the while of what Zeus ’ smug face would look like after I finally won this damn competition. But then the breaking point finally came one rainy Monday ( of course it would happen on a Monday ). 
 
 For some reason on this particular Monday, the boss decided to bring lunch for the entire office. He brought hot dogs and burgers to grill out on the patio, and the entire staff was loving it. He also brought his extra special homemade macaroni salad, which he claimed was his grandmother ’ s secret recipe. I could tell the second he walked into the room that the shit was spoiled. Like, mayonnaise that ’ s sat out in the sun all day after being spilled and scraped off the floor of a truck stop cafe, spoiled. I could smell it through the tinfoil that covered the bowl, and had to fight not to vomit. But for some reason no one else could smell it, and they all dug in without a second thought! I watched as some went for seconds and thirds and complimented the boss on his culinary skills. I knew in a flash that this had to be Zeus doing, his fingerprints were all over this one. I also knew that it was about to get worse. A lot worse. 
 
 I spent the next two hours listening to every single one of my co-workings getting violently sick in the bathrooms, like projectile vomiting into the sink while also sitting on the toilet in a Bombay hotel, sick. I heard noises coming from that bathroom that would have made Satan ill; trust me, I know the guy and he ’ s not as tough as everyone seems to think. But I knew the worst was yet to come. When the cacophony of bowel movements and vomitus finally faded away, I heard the bathroom door swing open, and my boss appeared before me, pale as a ghost. “ Sean, ” he said “ since you ’ re the only one who didn ’ t get sick I ’ m going to need you in the bathroom to clean up, chop chop. ” 
 
 This was more than I could handle, that slimy swan loving son of a bitch had final gone too far: Zeus was using my own power against me. I got up slowly and approached the restroom, took one quick peek at the abomination that waited inside, and that was that. The game was up. Fuck it I thought, I hear some dude name Jesus, I think he ’ s a Mexican god or something, he ’ s pretty much guaranteed to win these types of competitions anyways. I turned around walked into the middle of the crowd of sickened co-workers and lifted my arms to heaven. “ Attention humble office workers, there are a few things we need to clear up. My name is STEVE, not sean… STEVE. And I am not like you. ” 
 
 I let my human raiment slip away and stood before my awed co-workers in my full divine form. They fell to the floor before me. “ Remember this day, remember it for all eternity, remember the day which you saw the full power of Steve unleashed. ” I bellowed, as my boss trembled on the ground before me. 
 
 Thank all of the gods that you have never had to experience discharging from every orifice of your body simultaneously. I mean every orifice, eyes, ears, nose, mouth and EVERYTHING else. If you ’ re curious about what it feels like, just wait till you reach the afterlife, there's at least twenty people there who can explain to you in full detail exactly what it feels like, right up until the moment you expire. I may not have ever been able to show up Zeus, but that day my power brought almost as much satisfaction. 
 
 And the next time you take pepto bismol for your tummy ache, perhaps it might be wise to spare a quick moment and offer up a prayer, to Steve.
