[ WP ] You and your spouse of 30 years are in a fatal car accident . When you get to heaven , you find out that you get to spend eternity with your soulmate . You realize a problem when you wake up next to a total stranger .

`` But she is your soulmate.'' The angel repeated, still confused by the problem, though their face did n't show it. I did n't know how to refer to... it, because it was so thoroughly androgynous that I did n't know whether to call them'him' or'her'. 
 
 `` I know that, you've said that at least four times now- Look, what did you say your name was?'' I asked, hoping for a clue. 
 
 `` I am Alexandra.'' the angelic being replied. 
 
 `` Of... of course you are. Okay, Alex, here's the problem. That woman there? She's a stranger. I've never met her before in my life. When you told me that I would be spending eternity with my soulmate I thought you meant my wife, the person I've been with for nearly forty years. The woman I've been *married to* for thirty! Now where is she?'' I was getting quite upset at this point. I had n't devoted my life to the woman I love only to have some random stranger thrust upon me. 
 
 `` She is with her soulmate.'' Alexandra answered simply, as if that made all the sense in the world. I was reaching the point where I wanted to grab them by their shiny robes but who knew what punishment that carried? Instead I just pinched the bridge of my nose and spoke very slowly and carefully. 
 
 `` And is *she* asking where *I* am at all? Ten bucks says she is.'' 
 
 The angel regarded me for a moment. `` We have no need for money here-'' 
 
 `` Just-!'' I stopped, realizing I was raising my voice again. I did n't care that it was an angel, I just cared that I was being rude. If Joanne were here she would have handled this, she always knew how bad I was at dealing with Customer Service. 
 
 `` Just... go check for me please.'' I said, a little calmer that time. 
 
 The angel briefly blinked out of existence for several seconds before reappearing with their hand outstretched. They were holding several bills. 
 
 `` Here is you money.'' They said, simply. 
 
 `` My... What? Why are you...?'' realization dawned on me mid-sentence. `` Oh for fuck's sake.'' 
 
 `` You wagered ten dollars that your mortal companion would be asking for you. I was unsure which denomination would be best suited, so I procured several from various countries in the hopes that this earthly currency would improve your mood.'' They explained, without a hint of self-awareness. People this literal were only supposed to exist in movies. This was ridiculous. 
 
 `` That's *not the point. *'' I said, gritting my teeth, `` The point is that I want to spend eternity with my *wife*, not a stranger!'' 
 
 `` But you have died. As the saying goes, it is upon death that you part. Now your reward is to spend eternity with the one best suited for you who compliments you in every way.'' This was beginning to get tedious. 
 
 `` So you're telling me I ca n't see my wife ever again?'' I asked, bracing myself for the answer. This was it. I was going to punch an angel, I just knew it. 
 
 `` Pardon? Oh no, of course not! I see the confusion now! No, you are free to travel wherever you wish and visit whomever you desire, but your heavenly abode will be here with your soulmate!'' Alexandra replied. For a moment I could have sworn they were about to smile. I felt my shoulders relax. I had a bad habit of expecting the worst, but now I was feeling sheepish. 
 
 `` Oh... Well, okay then. That's better I guess. I'm certain that... That... Uh...'' I realized that I did n't even know my soulmate's name. I'd mostly been ignoring her to argue with this angel. 
 
 `` Alex.'' She called from the couch, where she was happily watching television. 
 
 `` Wait, really?'' I asked. 
 
 `` Yeah. And if you're wondering about the angels, it never gets any easier, it's all unisex names like Gabriel or Felipe.'' She called back. 
 
 `` Feli- Actually, never mind. Like I was saying, I'm sure that Alex is a great woman, but I would much rather be with my wife.'' I explained, turning back to the angel. 
 
 `` If that is your desire.'' They answered, simply. 
 
 `` Ok. Good. But... when I say *be* with my wife, I also mean...'' I started, not sure of how to address the subject. 
 
 `` Do n't bother,'' Alex said, walking over to stand beside me. She handed me an opened beer. My favorite beer, I noticed. `` They do n't really get the whole'sex' thing. But you should be fine, they have n't stopped me or my girlfriend from getting nasty and she's been with her soulmate for probably ninety years, give or take.'' 
 
 I took the beer, turning away from the angel. Any excuse to stop talking to the heavenly equivalent of Siri. `` They're okay with that up here?'' 
 
 `` Oh yeah. The way they see it, souls are unisex. It's the physical form that has a sex and a gender, but we carry that image of ourselves with us when we come here, so we appear male of female. Kind of like how they explained it in The Matrix.'' Human Alex explained. And it made sense, in some weird way. Kind of like how a friend knows how to explain things in just the right way. Almost like how Joanne explained things. `` But we were both gay when we were alive. We died single too. Can you believe they set her up with a guy when she got here?'' 
 
 `` So, wait...'' I stopped a moment, trying to wrap my head around the idea, `` My soulmate is a lesbian?'' 
 
 `` Kind of.'' She said, taking a swig of beer, `` Like I said, up here there is no real gender. Once you let go of your physical perception of self you can change that stuff. We're all kind of Omnisexual.'' 
 
 `` Then soulmates are pointless?'' 
 
 `` Not really.'' She scratched her head, looking for the words, `` Since there's no real concept of sex up here, a soulmate is less of a romantic or sexual thing and more of a... I do n't want to say'they complete me' thing, because that's probably something your wife also does. Think of it more like your perfect best friend. Have you ever wanted to sleep with your best friend?'' 
 
 `` Well... no.'' I replied, but my best friend as was a 50-year old man who kept trying to get me to join Crossfit. 
 
 `` Then there you go. What you want from a best friend is what you get from a soulmate.'' Alex finished, nodding happily to herself. 
 
 `` This is going to take some getting used to.'' I said after a moments pause. I was tired. It had been a long day. 
 
 `` Nah, you got plenty of time to figure it out, man.'' Human Alex said as she opened another beer, `` Tell you what, I'll teleport you over to your missus until you get the hang of it, deal?'' 
 
 I smiled, `` Yeah, I'd appreciate that. Thanks.'' 
 
 `` No problem. Just put your hand on my shoulder and picture her.'' She said as she pocketed some extra beers. `` So.... Is she hot?'' 
 
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 Edited for typos, because I'm terrible at spell checking.
