[ WP ] `` What I 'm about to show you is so top-secret that we had to invent a new security clearance level for it . ''

Unaware that there had ever been security clearance levels at West Liberty Town Hall, Darryl followed Public Affairs Committee member Cindy Wilkie down the hall, sidestepping the broken Xerox Phaser that stood as a monument to summer recreation guides of years past. The 2002 edition had been a particular success, explaining the five different framed copies hung at various gathering points throughout the second floor office. As requested in an all-office memo, it was now considered good etiquette to not discuss the ultimate fate of child cover star Timmy Russo, here pictured recreating with the same town farm animals that would eventually conspire to relieve him of his left leg. 
 
 `` Close the door behind you, I'll get the blinds,'' Cindy demanded as she walked towards the window that overlooked the parking lot and newly-installed single stream recycling bin. Darryl lightly pulled the door to Conference Room B shut. `` What year is it?'' she queried, looking into Darryl's eyes. 
 
 `` 2016?'' 
 
 `` No, what *year* is it?'' 
 
 `` I... do n't see what you're getting at,'' Darryl replied, confused and wishing he had taken another bite of his bagel before agreeing to follow Cindy into the poorly-lit conference room and current storage space for the 96 Little League trophies that were not handed out due to a players strike. 
 
 `` It's 2016.'' 
 
 `` That's wha...'' 
 
 ``... The forty-fifth anniversary of the first confirmed sighting of Old Joe.'' A veritable celebrity in the otherwise-nonexistent world of named animal residents of West Liberty, the surly snapping turtle had come to occupy the peculiar throne of both beloved curmudgeon and terrifying pond monster, prone to faking a picturesque sunbathing pose before ruthlessly charging a young family's picnic spread. Cindy gestured towards a bulging cloth-covered table, which Darryl had heretofore not noticed on account of the low lighting and the three other bulging cloth-covered tables within a few feet of it. `` You have to promise not to tell anyone,'' Cindy whispered. 
 
 Cindy yanked the cloth away in dramatic fashion, revealing the snarling mouth of Old Joe, jaws agape and eyes fixed forward as if a toddler's hot dog and/or index finger was within reach. `` AH WHAT THE!'' Darryl cried as he jumped backwards, pulling his hands behind him. 
 
 `` Quiet! Calm down, it's just a statue,'' Cindy whisper-yelled, doing little to calm Darryl's pounding heart. She lightly tapped the life-sized replica of Old Joe with her hand, and Darryl winced as part of him still expected the bust to tear of the offending appendage with unbound reptilian disdain. `` I had it commissioned for this year's Opening Day Barbecue.'' 
 
 The annual Opening Day Barbecue marked the beginning of West Liberty's summer recreation season. It took place at Hodgkin's Pond, named after longtime Outdoor Recreation Manager Paul Hodgkin and *not* the deadly form of cancerous lymphoma, though he did eventually succumb to the disease. It was one of the most popular events on the schedule, along with the Fourth of July Fireworks and the Fifth of July Community Trash Cleanup. ( Although the latter was mostly attended by transients who were more focused on collecting redeemable bottles than trash, despite the fact that many were offended that the event's name possibly referred to the homeless community in a disparaging manner. ) 
 
 `` That thing is terrifying,'' Darryl stated bluntly, still fixing his eyes on the bronze creature. Even from across the room, he seemed certain that the sculptor had sharpened fake Old Joe's claws to the point that insurance liability coverage would be impossible to neglect. 
 
 Cindy scoffed. `` Do n't be such Contrary Cary,'' referring to local housewife and office in-joke Cary Matthews, who had gained her level of bureaucratic notoriety for campaigning against the town's ban on unleashed cats. `` Come on, I've got one more thing to show you, but I had to store it in the basement because it's so big. It's also the 20th anniversary of the Great Coyote Fire of'96.'' 
 
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