[ WP ] You win $ 5000 a week for life off of a scratch off . The lottery commision sends an assassin after you because it 's a cheaper payout .

**Do n't kill me! ** 
 
 Quiet, you. Come here, lem me slit your throat. 
 
 **Why? Why are you trying to slit my throat, you ski-masked scoundrel? ** 
 
 Because your lottery payouts need to stop, or sayeth the lottery company. 
 
 **You mean the government? ** 
 
 Yeah. 
 
 **So the government sent you to kill me? ** 
 
 Correct. Why do you sound so pleased? 
 
 **Do n't you know who I am? ** 
 
 Am I supposed to? 
 
 ** ( soft chuckle ) You really do n't know, do you? ** 
 
 Tell me already, then lem me slit your throat, please. 
 
 **I'm Jesse Warner! ** 
 
 I'm sorry, who? 
 
 **You know, Chad from the hit nineties sitcom *Takes One To Know One. * 70 % Saved By The Bell, 30 % Full House, but we ran three seasons and... wait, why am I telling you? You mean to tell me you do n't know me? ** 
 
 No. 
 
 **I mean, I get if you do n't know Jesse Warner. There's lots of Jesse Warners out there. Some of'em are very good landscapers and Nigerian princes. But Chad *I mean, whats going on around here? * am I right** 
 
 Still lost. 
 
 **My catchphrase! *I mean, whats going on around here? * I always said that when my plans went awry. It's what wisecracking older brothers who sell things like watches and VHS bootlegs out of their lockers do! They outwit the principal. They occasionally teach a thing or two but they're really there to learn. And love. ** 
 
 Sorry. 
 
 **I mean, I answer to Chad, just flat out no hestation. Hell, I should have made a move like John Krasinski. He legally changed his first name to `` Jim'' and his last name to `` From The Office.'' SMART MAN. Plus, there's also that other Jesse Warner out there, the one who is on a list and has to go door to door every time he moves. He did some awful, awful things and that name cost me a studio apartment. ** 
 
 I'm confused, I thought you said you were on TV. 
 
 **I was. Oh, you mean the money? I spent it. Why the fuck do you think I was playing the lottery? I'm broke! Shit! And then I struck it rich and now they're trying to kill me. ** 
 
 Well, you win some... you lose some. Now I'm gon na stab you. 
 
 **This is a really poor form of assassination. ** 
 
 I lied about having a gun. That's why I have this knife. Whoops. I just dropped it down the sewer grate at my feet. Now I do n't even have that. 
 
 **On the plus side, I get to live. ** 
 
 I really needed the money. 
 
 **I know the feeling. Have you tried winning this sweet lottery? They send somebody to kill you, but luckily he sucks at it and you get to live. ** 
 
 The bill on my house is due. 
 
 **Like the government would have let you kill me, anyways. I'm a celebrity. I'm a national treasure. I'm Chad. First name Chad, last name From Takes One To Know One, as I will be legally changing my name to tomorrow. I can finally accept myself for who I am. I'm a former child star turned lottery winner. Take that, Ben Savage! ** 
 
 My daughter needs a new liver. 
 
 **You're doing the Lord's work. I wish there was some way I could repay you. Except for money, I mean. I fucking need it. ** 
 
 ( choking up ) Me, too. 
 
 **Well, bye! ** 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

