[ WP ] Write the most elaborate , over-dramatic , and exciting story you can think of that all just turns out to be a set-up for a pun so horrible I 'll want to punch you

I had a friend in college, my freshman roommate actually, who was always talking about his family. His name was Robert Gooding, and he must ’ ve had a family tree that started from Adam and Eve. Every single day he would drone on and on about what some of his cousins, named Nate and Riley, were doing in Russia that month to help the poor there or how Dimitri, his mother ’ s grandfather ’ s nephew ’ s son, which is apparently what second cousin once removed means, was going to be the next star athlete in Greece. I was always patient with him and at least pretended to listen and nod at his stories. They never seemed to be about the same people. Sometimes he ’ d mention something that was actually funny too so it wasn ’ t always bad. Poor old rambling Robert, a nickname he picked up within a couple weeks of starting school, didn ’ t make many friends because he would never stop talking about his own family. Sometimes I think that I was the only one he could talk to who wouldn ’ t start running after five minutes. I ’ m not going to lie, back then I endeavored to be out of the room most of the day to avoid his ramblings, but no matter how late I came back, he was always up and ready to tell me about his family ’ s latest adventures. 
 
 I only remember once, on a day close to the end of our first semester together, when he stopped his rambling and looked at me with a really serious expression. The abrupt lack of background noise startled me from the article I was reading while humoring him, and when I saw his face I was afraid that he was angry with me for ignoring him all the time. “ You know Michael, ” he started as I prepared my apology, “ I really appreciate that you listen to all my stories every day. I know that it must be boring and annoying for you, but you do it anyway and I appreciate that. I feel like we ’ ve really got a connection going here so I ’ ll tell you something. Us Goodings, we don ’ t forget stuff like this. We pay our debts. Just you wait, one day me and the whole family will find a way to thank you. ” I shuddered at the thought of having to attend a graduation party with his entire family and hear about all their adventures first hand, but at that moment I realized that Robert was actually a pretty good guy. 
 
 Our year together came to an end, and the next year I was assigned a different roommate. Rambling Robert still sent me emails to keep me up to date with all his family happenings for a while, but even those stopped when Robert decided to transfer out to some college in Washington. I completed my degree in criminal psychology and went on to work as a detective for the DEA for a while. I had a great time there busting drug dealers and cleaning up the streets of my hometown. I was about 45 years old when they promoted me and had me relocated near the Mexican border to work on the drug traffic coming from the cartels. It was there that I finally met one of Rambling Robert ’ s infamous family members, Randall Gooding. He was my supervisor there, and when I showed up on the first day he greeted me like an old friend. He told me that he recognized my name from the stories Robert had told him and personally requested that I be sent down. I was surprised that Robert even talked about me, we had only known each other for a couple years, but it was nice to reminisce about the Goodings again. Randall was just as talkative as my roommate was, and we hit it off almost as well as I did with Robert. His nickname around the office was Rambling Randy which had me chuckling for at least a day remembering all of Robert ’ s old stories. Robert, it turns out, was doing just fine. He was a doctor now somewhere in Texas, and I was happy that my old friend was able to make such a good life for himself. 
 
 Work was good for a few years until the cartel activity started to pick up dramatically. Nobody was sure why but we were suddenly inundated with arrests and busts and all kinds of paper work. Even Randy wasn ’ t as talkative around this time. It was all supposed to come to a head today. Today we were going to do a massive takedown on a processing plant operating just inside the border. Our sting agent had uncovered it while posing for a different case so Randy and I took the lead while the rest of the office continued monitoring the sting operation. We enlisted the FBI and local SWAT teams for help and everything was going to go smoothly until I got kidnapped right out of the parking lot on my way out of the office last night. 
 
 From the time they ripped the rucksack bag off of my head till the first rays of daylight, they questioned me. They were careful. All of them had clown masks on, the hard plastic kind that never quite fit the face right. All of them were wearing gloves and carrying weapons. Only two of them had guns, but the rest were carrying various wicked modifications of baseball bats and crowbars. The night was rough. They wanted to know how we found out about them, who we were working with, when the operation was going to go down, and a whole host of other questions. I was patient and waited. I gave them no information and suffered a few broken ribs and some teeth for it. While they were questioning me, I took in my surroundings. I knew from the floor plans I had studied for the bust that I was in the processing plant, specifically in one of the raised offices at the end of the building. I could see the entire plant from the large window on the wall in front of me. I guessed that they did not know about our plans yet, so I contented myself to sit tight and wait for the bust to happen at 10AM. 
 
 However, it was around 6AM when I heard the sirens blaring in the distance. *Maybe they stepped up the schedule when they found out I was kidnapped*, I thought. My captors were awake in an instant and took up the preplanned positions we had predicted. I noticed that some of them now carried automatic weapons. I hadn ’ t seen those last night. One of the guys carrying what looked like an M16 came cursing into the office where I was being held. After cracking me in the face with the butt of the weapon, I felt more than heard him raise the gun level with the back of my head. I heard Randy ’ s voice over the megaphone giving the normal spiel about being surrounded and to give up. Of course they refused to give up and began to use me as a bargaining chip. Randy ’ s voice came over the megaphone with a message for me before he continued the negotiation, “ Mikey! Just wait Mikey! Hold on and don ’ t do anything stupid. ” 
 
 The standoff lasted for hours. If it weren ’ t for the gun pressed on the nape of my neck, I would have probably passed out. Eventually things got quiet. My guard walked out probably to check for new orders with his superiors. As soon as he left the room, the sound of a hundred shattered glass windows broke the silence raining shards of glass like snow down on the main factory floor. Then it looked like every bit of dust in the old factory flew up all at once as tear gas flooded the facility. The shouting and gunfire followed as my captors opened fire. Amid the confusion and smoke I couldn ’ t tell who was winning. I did hear Randy ’ s voice at one point yelling orders, “ Dimitri, take the stairs and give Nate some cover. ” None of the officers who were supposed to be with us today were named Dimitri or Nathan. The din began to wither after only a few minutes and the unseen officers in the facility began yelling, “ Clear! ” As the smoke dissipated, I expected to see the body armor and face masks of the SWAT teams who were supposed to be part of today ’ s operation. Instead I saw lots of men I had never seen before in various uniforms. Some of them were in army uniforms others were in suits, and a few were in civilian clothes. *God did they call the Army and CIA in on this? * I located Randy and he came running up with one of the suited men carrying a bag after I yelled. 
 
 “ Michael! Thank God you ’ re still alive. I ’ m sorry we made you wait so long, but we had to wait for all the flights to make it before we could move. ” 
 
 “ What? What flights? Randy what are you talking about? ” 
 
 “ We found out you were kidnapped at about midnight. The team that we were going to use wasn ’ t trained for hostage situations so I had to improvise. I made some calls around and got as many as I could to come down here. Good thing cousin Billy happened to have hostage experience. Nobody asked any questions after I brought your name up, we all know you thanks to Robert here. ” 
 
 I looked to my left at the man in the suit who had been carrying the bag that I now saw contained medical supplies. “ Robert? ” I choked the question out in disbelief. He just gave me a small smile while he continued his work. “ You mean to tell me that all of those guys down there… They ’ re all your family? ” 
 
 Robert looked up from where he was examining my jaw where my last assailant hit me with a wry smile, “ I told you we don ’ t forget Mike. All the Goodings come to those who wait. ”
