[ PI ] The Throne of Parhelion - FEB CONTEST

Hi! I liked the plotting you have here, but it's a lot of plot for a relatively short story! This is something that I think would be better served with a longer, more careful treatment ( obviously difficult in the context of the contest, but do-able in real life ). 
 
 Political fantasy is a genre I love and I think that, with work and redrafting, this could shape into something good. I like the overarching theme of a country's struggle to democracy, but this all moves very fast so it's hard to do more than hit some very basic beats. 
 
 For example, chapter 4 begins with the publication of the new treatise, and chapter 5 is post-rebellion. You skipped over the good part! 
 
 I also think the characters could be more `` grey''. For example, Alger kind of had some points -- points that, in the real world, led to things like the Magna Carta and the U.S. Constitution. It does your story a disservice, I think, for the person questioning the society he lives in to be just kind of mustache-twirlingly evil. I do n't know if that's what you intended, but that's what came off. 
 
 Starting a story with a character waking up is considered a relatively weak way to start a story, and it did n't really add anything. ( Rigel himself did n't really add up to much, either. ) I would suggest cutting it and instead starting with a conversation between Rigel and Cecilia that shows ( not tells ) that he's a smug dude that's into her and she's not so sure. ( I also did wonder, given that this is a story with suitors and courts, why Cecilia was asleep and unchaperoned with one of her suitors. This would be inappropriate in this sort of world, no? ) 
 
 I found some of your descriptions to be cliches ( e.g. `` sparkling jewels'' for the stars is overdone, ditto eyes being described as `` pools of cerulean'' ). I also thought `` medical ward'' was too modern-sounding for a castle. 
 
 I hope the above is helpful; I think the story is decent and you have the talent to improve it. Congrats!
