[ WP ] A Man dies and expects to go either Heaven or Hell , only to be told by an Angel that he already was in Hell and now his punishment is over

Well, this was above my pay grade. A shift in Reorientation and Return is always interesting, but there are limits. It's amazing what these Humans will believe and what they wo n't. The Boss likes them that way, says that it makes them more interesting. Maybe it's part of that “ free will ” deal. I would n't know. Anyway—I reached out and Summoned my supervisor, Asfaraghanquanimonumel, and he apparated into my office in great blazing majesty until I coughed a couple of times and he shrank down into a more human-compatible form. 
 
 This is mister van der Pohl, he…has a complaint. 
 
 Asf'mel raised an eyebrow, and turned to the human sitting in my guest chair. Mister van der Pohl, yes—Asf'mel's eyes lost focus for a moment, then he smiled—you have suffered much in the foul pit of Hell but We are pleased to inform you that… 
 
 Van der Pohl cut him off. That's what the other…guy…said. This is ridiculous! Earth is Hell? What sort of lazy nonsense is that? Am I supposed to have learned some cosmic lesson here? What, that “ Hell—he did the fingers thing—is other people ” or some shit? 
 
 I've never seen Asi lost for words before, even so briefly. This could get entertaining. But, he's been well trained. 
 
 Your previous existence on Earth was beset with many tribulations as a result of… 
 
 You mean living in my mother's basement because there are no real jobs? At least, none that some immigrant is n't already doing. 
 
 Er, well, in your previous incarnation you… 
 
 Or was it the bit where I could never get laid even though I am _super_ respectful of a girl's inherent differences from normal people? 
 
 You…I'm sorry, what? How would that… 
 
 While this was going on I reviewed van der Pohl's case in a little bit more detail. He'd actually been a fairly minor bad guy last time around, so had been left on Earth to pretty much make up his own misery. He'd done a good job. Not that any of this stuff had been especially bad for him in its own terms, and all of it was _entirely_ self-inflicted, but he had managed to build a very deep pit of self-pity and frustration for himself—which is nearly as good, that is, bad, from the inside as anything the Deserts Department can whip up, and much more cost effective. For a Being with unlimited resources the Boss is still careful that way. I refocussed on the room. Asi was still rolling out the standard customer services story. 
 
 …and so the level of torment in Hell-on-Earth is very carefully calibrated to the… 
 
 I do n't give a shit about any of that! I was a good guy! I was robbed of every chance I had! I'm better than this and you know it! 
 
 Asi took a breath and turned to me. What are the details of mister van der Pohl's relocation package? 
 
 I sat up in my chair, assuming an alert and responsive pose, as per the training materials. 
 
 Mister van der Pohl has subjected himself to 27 years of intense self-loathing before, as scheduled, choking to death on a poorly cooked pot brownie while masturbating to a video of under-age gymnasts having career-ending accidents. van der Pohl squirmed in his chair. That's totally not… Asi and I both looked at him. I watched you, I said, lucky for you that it is not for me to judge. I let the flames flare up in my eyes briefly, which is not on the script but it did shut him up. However, it _is_ for the Department of Realignment to judge, and they have. You have shown yourself incapable of acquiring basic empathy on this round, and so you will have another round as a—I pretended to shuffle the scrolls on my altar, but of course I already knew full well—as a daughter of illegal immigrants, in, er yes, in that same town. In fact, when you grown up you're going to be your mother's office cleaner. And you, of all people, know what that means. 
 
 The scream lasted for a satisfyingly long time. Even for a while after his visible form had faded away. 
 
 Asfaraghanquanimonumel perched on the edge of my altar and rubbed his forehead. This is the first you've had, but we are seeing more and more of these entitled jerks. Give me a simple mass-murderer any day. 
 
 A distant toll of doom rang through the office. My replacement for the next shift, Malnordefacimulifqarel shimmered into being. Still here? He looked at our long faces. Oh, one of those, eh? I do n't know what the Boss is thinking. 
 
 Who does? said Asi. See you at the Clubhouse. 
 
 

