[ WP ] Years after a nuclear war which destroyed nations and landscapes , a man departs from a ship after crossing from England to America to document mutated and dangerous wildlife . ( Comedic )

Our watch-captain had called for sights of land an hour ago, and as I now breached the hangar and into the fresh of air, I was hit by a disgusting stench. All around me my crew mates had gas masks, shirt tails, any thing to block the smell. I too pulled up mine, and checked my RistRatch for the current radiation levels. 
 
 `` Bless the Three-Armed Queen, Radcliffe look, radiation is through the charts here!'' I cried, and soon my right hand man was at my left. 
 
 Radcliffe was certainly as astonished as I was at these records levels, but we decided to press on, the world needed to know what became of this once great nation. And so at landfall Radcliffe, a hired gun, and I departed the ship and walked across the perilous ruins of the Eastern Seaboard. 
 
 Journals in hand, Radcliffe and I took all afternoon documenting, billing, declaring, and constituting all information we could about this new world. Buildings had crumbled, roads were halfway to being just piles of gravel ( though Radcliffe told me they were always like that ). There was some life, much to our joy, neon green plants had exploded out of the ground, with metre high tendrils. A few hours in, a rodent, with a tint of violet in it's fur, skittered across a vacant lawn. I slammed the button on my RistRatch in time, and the poor creature brought up high radiation and a 76 % mutation. We spent a good time documenting that, actual mammal life! 
 
 The day was thinning, and determined to get back before night, we were just turning back when the most extraordinary sight befell us. We stood on a battered sidewalk, and in a diagonal line across the road, was a creature of our high. It appeaered full and bulbous, bipedal, and staggering. It's skin was a sickly pale white, and tufts of grey hour sprouted everywhere. 
 
 `` Radcliffe, by the Queen, what is that thing?'' 
 
 I thought I had whispered, but the creature turned and bore it's grotesque face. Drooping guys, a wide mouth with crooked teeth. It did n't look unlike a human size version of the rodent before! It's back was hunched, and upon my whispering, it shouted a garbled language I could only get fragments of. 
 
 `` GITAAAAHT OO ALEEENS'' 
 
 We were terrified, I turned to the hired gun we had, but he had sprinted away, while me and Radcliffe were frozen in place. I begged again. 
 
 `` Radcliffe what is that thing!?'' 
 
 His fingers were a blur on his RistRatch, and he turned to me with a shocked complexion. 
 
 `` Daniel, that thing, that's not mutated, absolute 0 %!'' he choked. We turned back to beast, as it began it's crooked charge towards us. 
 
 `` It's a monster!'' I shouted, and I closed my eyes and accepted my fate. But my fate was not today. A buckshot rang across my ears, leaving only a ringing. The hired gun! He came back! 
 
 Me and Radcliffe both turned to thank our mercenary, but what we were greeted by was shocking. 
 
 A tall man stood, wearing straps and jackets of leather. His dark skin reflected the wavering light of the dying sun. His massive sawed-off shotgun wore a large American flag off the side, and his posse behind him had guns with the same decorations. He stepped forward to the downed beast as he stuck a lit blunt in his mouth. 
 
 `` Not a monster,'' he spoke roughly, as he raised a pair of sunglasses to his eyes. He turned to me, his bald head and large ears silhouetted in the sunset. `` Just another Republican.'' 
 

