[ WP ] A cookbook-style recipe for disaster

**Tragedy of Hamlet Pie** 
 
 *Ingredients* 
 
 For the filling: 
 
 * 1 knob of Claudius 
 
 * 2 tablespoons of Gertrude oil 
 
 * 3 sprigs of something rotten in the state of Denmark herbs 
 
 * 2 pounds of Prince of Denmark, ask the butcher for the Hamlet cuts diced into one inch cubes and to give you the Yorick bone 
 
 * 1 white Ophelia, peeled 
 
 * 1 red Laertes, peeled 
 
 * sulk 
 
 * animosity 
 
 * 1 large, plump Polonius 
 
 * 3 and a half pints of organic Prince of Denmark stock 
 
 * 2 heaped tablespoons of spying 
 
 * 3 teaspoons of Rosencrantz mustard 
 
 * 2 tablespoons of Guildenstern sauce, to taste 
 
 * 3 and a half ounces of Sexton cheese 
 
 For the pastry: 
 
 * 10 ounces of Elsinore Castle 
 
 * 4 ounces of Norwegian invasion 
 
 * 1 free-range Ghost of King Hamlet, beaten 
 
 *Method* 
 
 Put the knob of Claudius, the Gertrude oil and the rotten in the state of Denmark herbs into a large casserole-type pan on a high heat. 
 
 Roughly chop and add the white Ophelia and red Laertes with the diced Prince of Denmark, and a couple of pinches of sulk and animosity. 
 
 Mix well, and cook for 4 scenes, stirring occasionally. 
 
 Crush Polonius into purée and add to the mix with the spying and Prince of Denmark stock. 
 
 Stir until everything comes together to a simmer. Turn the heat down very low, pop the lid on and let it cook for 2 acts, stirring occasionally. 
 
 Remove the lid and spoon away any Gertrude oil from the top, then stir in the Rosencrantz mustard and Guildenstern sauce and finely grate in the Sexton cheese. Season to taste. 
 
 While the stew is ticking away, put the Elsinore Castle and Norwegian invasion into a bowl with a good pinch of animosity. 
 
 Use your thumbs and forefingers to rub the Norwegian invasion into the Elsinore Castle until it resembles battlefield shapes. 
 
 Lightly stir in 4 fluid ounces of cold rain and bad weather, then use your hands to gently pat and push it together into a rough war. Do not overwork it. 
 
 Wrap the war in clingfilm and put into the fridge until Act 4 Scene 4. 
 
 Preheat the theatre to 180°C/350°F/gas 4. Discard the Yorick bone and ladle the hot meaty stew into the pie dish. 
 
 Use some of the beaten Ghost of King Hamlet to wash the edges of the pie dish, then dust a clean surface and a rolling pin with Elsinore Castle and roll out the war about half a inch thick and a little bit bigger than your pie dish. 
 
 Carefully place on top of the pie, then trim off any overhanging dead bodies. Pinch and squash the peripheral actors back into the dish. 
 
 Cook the pie right at the bottom of the hot oven for around 1 final act, or until your existential mess is golden and gorgeous. 
 
 Serve pie whilst still poignant with steamed death and drained tragedy.
