[ WP ] `` Attack ! ! ! '' Everyone is a few too many drinks over , and now you find yourself with an army crusading

`` Attack!!!'' Captain Tebbs bellowed and in an instant the pirate crew took to charge. 
 
 `` Wait! No!'' Roger called after them, but the space pirates neither heard nor cared, `` They did n't mean it that way.'' He finished meekly. Roger slunk back into his fold out chair and watched the hoard of pirates kick up alien dust. From his seat he could see across the valley where the Kutto's were already in full retreat. Roger sighed and took a long swig from his cup of sargeeli. He watched the dust cloud grow into the aqua blue sky of Kut-9. 
 
 `` Hey Roger, what'd you do today?'' Roger said to himself in a mocking tone. 
 
 `` Oh you know other-Roger just started a holy war between insane space pirates and a alien species of furbys.'' He replied back. 
 
 `` Boy you sure are a screw up, Roger.'' He mocked. 
 
 `` I know other-Roger, I know.'' Roger took another sip from his cup. His head was swimming now with the alien liquor. Who knew that alcohol brought out the worst in a pirate? To be honest, after all he'd seen, Roger should have assumed. 
 
 `` All I said was that they worshiped something like a human Buddha. They're peaceful!'' He shouted at the hoard shrinking in the distance. 
 
 `` Do you often talk to yourself like a crazy-Kut?'' said a voice from behind. Roger turned and blinked clearing his vision. From the brush emerged Frank the Kutto. Her tiny squat body fumbled through the brush. 
 
 `` Oh I- I-'' Roger said embarrassed. 
 
 `` It's ok, everyone in the three galaxies knows humans are totes cray-cray.'' Frank replied. She batted her eyebrows at him in a sign of understanding. If Roger would've been about three drinks of sargeeli deeper he would've thought the alien creature was hitting on him. So it was good he was still coherent enough to understand that human actions did not always equate to human meanings with alien species. 
 
 *Christ the universe is weird*, he thought dejectedly. 
 
 Roger pointed down at the mob of pirates still howling and rushing; said, `` Are n't you worried? I kind of just accidentally started a holy war between us and you.'' 
 
 `` Between you and we.'' Frank corrected. 
 
 `` I do n't know it's that's righ-'' Roger tried to respond, but Frank cut him off. 
 
 `` -Besides we are not afraid. We Kutto's are fantastic hiders. The best actually, you'll not find a better group of hiders in all the three galaxies.'' Frank was confident in her words as she chirped them through her tiny beak. She waddled up alongside Roger and watched the mob, their blood-screams no more than a distant rattle, like a washing machine running in a back room. 
 
 `` Sorry about the holy war then.'' Roger apologized. He finished his cup and poured himself another. The drink reminded him of Rumchata back on Earth, that delicious milk of the Cinnamon Toast Crunch. This stuff tasted almost just like it. The only difference was the color. Sargeeli had the consistency of blood. 
 
 `` You've said that twice now. What do you mean by'holy war'?'' Frank asked using her tiny wing to pour herself a tiny glass of liquor. 
 
 `` You do n't have those here?'' Roger asked. Frank only offered a blank look of confusion, at least humans had that in common with Kuttos. Roger explained, `` Well it's sort of a war of differing ideologies. Captain Tebbs and his crew are devout followers of Egyptian mythology for some reason and they see your belief as an affront to their gods.'' 
 
 `` Do n't they know that's the same thing?'' Frank chirped back. She pecked at her drink. 
 
 `` I'm not following.'' Roger replied. 
 
 Frank flapped her wings in what Roger assumed was the equivalent of laughter. `` Silly humans. Your Egyptian mythology is the same as our faith of divine Kuddha.'' 
 
 `` I do n't think you understand.'' 
 
 `` No you!'' Frank chirped back quickly. Roger shrank back in his chair at the intensity of her little chirp. She shuffled her feathers and said, `` It's all the same besides the name, Roger Wessel.'' 
 
 `` You're saying there is no difference in your two religions.'' Roger was skeptical. 
 
 `` Well no and just to clarify I'm not trying to make a cute point about religion. All I'm saying is that it's literally the same thing.'' Frank whistled. 
 
 `` So it's just one big misunderstanding.'' Roger said back. 
 
 `` Quite.'' 
 
 `` Just like Allah and God back on Earth!'' Roger said seemingly grasping understanding. 
 
 `` Do n't be cute, Roger.'' Frank sliced, `` This is n't about that. Besides you're people are trying to kill my people right now.'' 
 
 Roger looked across the valley where the pirates now stood. Not a single Kutto was in sight and the pirates stood with sabers drawn, looking quite embarrassed at that fact. He picked out Tebbs among the mob scratching his forehead with his scimitar. 
 
 `` Poorly. Guess your people are great at hiding.'' He added at the sight of them. Nothing looked more out of place than a space pirate without a sod to kill. 
 
 `` We would n't have to hide, you know. If you humans... did n't have these silly misunderstandings.'' Frank said between pecks of her drink. 
 
 `` Once they sober up I'm sure they'll calm down.'' Roger replied easily. 
 
 Frank was nonplused, `` That's not my point.'' 
 
 `` Well what is your point?'' Roger said suddenly snapping, `` Do you know how hard it is for me to read you little pudgy owls!?'' 
 
 `` Calm yourself Roger, we do n't need two holy wars do we?'' 
 
 `` That's not-'' 
 
 `` Enough, please. Let me explain.'' Frank cut in. Roger sank into his fold out chair irritated. Frank shuffled her feathers again and continued, `` All I'm saying is that you humans are so quick to decry'holy war' when there is absolutely, positively no need to do so. Personally I think liquor is to blame. Did you know humans are like the only species in the galaxy to get dumber when they drink? Yea, really, I've had like ten of these suckers and right now I'm about as smart as your smartest psychiatrist.'' 
 
 `` Psychiatrist?'' 
 
 `` I mean philanthropist.'' 
 
 `` I think you mean physicist.'' 
 
 `` No not that... Definitely psychiatrist.'' There was a certainty in Frank's chirp. 
 
 `` Oh, well I'm sorry about that.'' Roger replied. 
 
 `` Do n't be sorry Roger, you single minded, bipedal, primate.'' Frank fluttered her wings giddily, or maybe it was in disgust. Either way... 
 
 `` That sounded personal.'' Roger said offended. He felt his anger rising. 
 
 `` Oh do n't even get me started on how touchy you all are.'' Frank shot back. 
 
 `` You know, you're quite rude for a creature I could squash beneath my shoe.'' Roger retorted. 
 
 `` Looks like someone's had a bit to much to drink.'' Frank cut. 
 
 `` Ok, that's it.'' Roger said as he hopped out of his folding chair. He did so with such intensity that it fell anticlimactically to the dirt and folded itself up in apparent shame. He turned to the little Kutto, who hopped back in surprise. 
 
 `` Roger, please. You're better than your space pirate crew mates.'' Frank shuffled fearfully. 
 
 `` You've got to be the rudest creature I've ever had the displeasure of meeting.'' Roger threatened with an out turned finger. 
 
 `` Please, calm yourself man!'' Frank chirped excitedly. 
 
 `` Calm this!'' Roger said. Then he swung his foot at the pudgy furby, connected, and sent it flying back into the woods behind. It's brown body impacted a large tree trunk with a puff of feathers. Roger was left alone heaving with rage. 
 
 `` Roger!'' Tebbs said from behind. Roger wheeled around, still fuming. Behind him stood the crew of space pirates, their swords sheathed unbloodied. 
 
 `` What! Tebbs!?'' He raged. 
 
 `` Was that Frank!? Roger did you just punt Frank?'' Tebbs was incredulous. `` Roger you just drop kicked a girl!'' 
 
 `` Not cool Rog.'' Willem added at his Captain's side. 
 
 `` But you were- you were-'' Roger felt himself deflate and anger molded into embarrassment. `` You were just going to kill them.'' 
 
 `` Aye,'cause they insulted us with their hedonistic religion, but even we space pirates have standards.'' Tebbs retorted. 
 
 `` Kill the men, spare women and children.'' Flour LeFloure said, `` Did we learn nothing from Titanic?'' Roger felt his jaw drop as a unanimous agreement rose from the crowd of privateers. 
 
 `` Good point LeFloure.'' Tebbs agreed, `` Roger did ye learn nothin' from the tale of Jack and Rose?'' Their eyes turned on him accusing now. Roger was speechless. Seeing the conversation done, Tebbs whistled to round up his men. `` Alright ye scurvy waxmets, back aboard *The Cutlass*. We have many a light year to sail before we reach our destination.'' The pirates obeyed the order and began the long trudge back to the starship. As Tebbs passed Roger he placed a hand on his shoulder and said, 
 
 `` I know it do n't make much sense to ye, Rog. But on the reals, yer gon na have to send Miss Frank an apology letter.'' He then walked past leaving Roger to sulk in his own misery. He feared that no matter how long he was in space he'd never understand it. 
 
 Once he was alone Roger whimpered to himself, `` I'm really starting to hate all this.'' 
 
 -- - 
 
 Confused? So is poor Roger. But this ai n't be his first foray into the three galaxies. He's but a piece in a larger tale: Pirates v. Ninjas in Space!! See more over at /r/ScribeSchneid 

