[ WP ] An unknown billionaire wills that his funeral be a contest where the stranger who delivers the best eulogy inherits everything . You ’ re up .

I ’ d never even heard of, let alone been to a funeral held within an arena before. I didn ’ t expect to turn up early to hundreds of people eagerly waiting in line and be identified by a large sticker with the number ‘ 251 ’ on the front of my black shirt. 
 
 There was a sickening excitement in the air as more people arrived. The lady before me showed me her eulogy or ‘ funeral performance ’ as she called it. She was planning on singing Celine Dion ’ s ‘ My Heart Will Go On ’ making a vital change to the lyrics. ‘ Our Hearts Will Go On. ’ Indeed they will. None of us even knew the man. 
 
 The excitement continued to build as the crowd drudged forwards slowly. Camera Crews had arrived. Apparently the eulogies were being televies and the winner voted over the phones this evening. One couple ( planning to perform an emotive disappearing act with a coffin ) said they ’ d seen Simon Cowell arrive.I was starting to think my scrawled notes about the fragility of life wouldn ’ t cut it. 
 
 Late morning I finally made it inside the arena, backstage, waiting for my chance. A man three places in front of me performed a eulogy breakdance. I could hear the crowd squealing. Then there was silence and a stern woman wearing a headset ushered me over to the edge of the stage and a stern booming voice said ‘ Next. ’ 
 
 The first thing I noticed once my eyes had adjusted to the harsh brightness of the lights was that only the four person judging panel were wearing black, the crowd had come for a day out not a funeral. The panel consisted of a young and an old woman and a young and an old man. 
 
 ‘ Hello, Welcome to the funeral of Greggory Dillon, ’ said the elder man on the left of the panel. ‘ I will first introduce myself and the rest of the judges and then you will introduce yourself. ’ He took a short breath, evaluating me. ‘ I am Greggory ’ s business partner, Arnold. We knew each other for 25 years before his untimely death. This, ’ he gestured to the man next to him, ‘ Is Harry. Greggory ’ s only child and next to Harry is his mother, Greggory ’ s first wife Marie. ’ Marie stared at me with stony eyes. ‘ Finally at the end is his beautiful third and final wife Imogen. ’ Imogen smiled widely. ‘ We decide the five finalists for this competition. The audience vote between those five. Please, introduce yourself. ’ 
 
 ‘ Hello, all of you. ’ I replied uncertainly, ‘ I am Thomas Barker. I did not know your friend, father or husband. I did not know him until I saw this event advertised everywhere I went. I commend your efforts to respect his wishes despite how you must wish they were different. ’ I paused, lost. I had not expected this. Several cameras were pointed at the stage, several more to the audience and judges. I could not remember what I had planned and I could not risk the unprofessionalism of removing the notes from my pockets. The judges had changed everything anyway. Fuck it. 
 
 ‘ Greggory Dillon was relatively unknown until a few days ago and now the country and the world know his name and his work. I, I could say I wish it was under better circumstances but like everyone who came on this stage today to cry, dance or sing songs for your loved one I would be lying. I did not know him. I do not care about him. I am only here because of greed. All I can do is offer an honest eulogy without making a fool or a mockery of his memory or me, although I may be speaking to soon for that last one. ’ I jested. They all stared. 
 
 ‘ Gregory was a man of business. ’ I said wistfully. His wife then slowly and deliberately pressed the giant red buzzer on the desk in front of her chair. The crowd cheered in agreement. 
 
 ‘ WAIT. ’ I screamed desperately. The crowd booed and laughed at my pathetic plea. ‘ He was a man of business. ’ I repeated, much less wistfully. 
 
 ‘ We know, ’ Said the ex-wife maliciously to more laughter. 
 
 ‘ Yes, but so am I. I am not here to offer a meaningless eulogy to a man I did not know. I am here to offer you the chance for at the very least, a part of the inheritance you are owed. The people in queue here today are monsters. If you join me on stage now to share your memories of Gregory they will be shared the world over, they will mean something and my eulogy will win. Then as part of my performance I will split the inheritance between the five of us. ’ 
 
 The judges all sat up in their chairs. Imogen didn ’ t even attempt to hide her excitement. 
 
 ‘ Join me and remember your loved one how he should be remembered. Not by dancing dogs or perfectly sung ballads. ’ The audience began to roar in agreement. 
 
 The judges spoke to one another, hands over their mic ’ s as excitement in the audience grew. This was my chance. ‘ C ’ mon guys let ’ s welcome them to the stage! Arnold you ’ re up! ’ The audience began chanting his name. 
 
'We'eve checked back stage,' Harry begins proffessionally,'and it's not against the rules outlined in Greggory's will.' The crown screech. 
 
 Arnold rises out of his seat smiling ‘ Alright, alright, we ’ ll give it a go ’. He makes it up to the stage to begin his performance to roaring excitement from the crowd. 
 
 ‘ And one last thing judges, ’ the audience hushes, ‘ If we win, the bigger the cheer from the audience, the bigger the cut of your winnings. ’
