[ WP ] You create a robot that tells whether something you say is true or false . To test it , you ask if you are human . `` False '' .

`` So you're broken. Great.'' 
 
 `` False.'' The robot replied. 
 
 I was about to shut the stupid thing down, I was n't expecting another response. Either way it did n't work, But I figured I could do some testing before I looked at the code again. It's not like it was easy to build, might as well work out as many kinks as I could early on. 
 
 `` You're not broken?'' I asked. 
 
 No answer. Mostly because it ca n't do anything other than say true or false. Sometimes I wonder why I bothered to build an entire robot around lie detecting software in the first place. Probably some kind of hubris I suppose. 
 
 `` You are functioning properly.'' I stated clearly for the stupid robot. 
 
 `` True.'' 
 
 `` You are a liar.'' 
 
 `` False.'' 
 
 `` I hate you.'' That would get it. 
 
 No answer. Broken for sure. 
 
 `` I'm going to shut you off.'' 
 
 `` True.'' The robot said before I shut it down. More weeks of coding. Hooray. 
 
 -- - 
 
 `` I am human.'' 
 
 `` False.'' 
 
 `` I'm going to fucking stab you Larry, you shit eating robot!'' I spent a week tinkering with this stupid thing and it still did n't work. Also I named it Larry. 
 
 ``'' False.'' Larry said smugly. At least I'm pretty sure he was being smug about it. 
 
 `` To which part? The stabbing or the shit eating?'' 
 
 `` Unknown.'' 
 
 At least that part worked. 
 
 `` Two plus two equals four.'' 
 
 `` True.'' 
 
 `` Two plus two equals one million.'' 
 
 `` False.'' 
 
 `` You can do math, congratulations. I've made a smug calculator. Call the Nobel prize people and tell them I got a winner!'' 
 
 Larry did n't respond. He just sat there looking smug, and like an asshole, which he apparently was. 
 
 `` Time for a nap dummy.'' 
 
 -- - 
 
 `` I am human.'' 
 
 `` False.'' Smug bastard. 
 
 `` I hate you Larry.'' 
 
 `` Hyperbole.'' 
 
 `` You smarmy fuck, who taught you to say that?'' 
 
 `` I learned it by watching you.'' 
 
 `` Smug. You get turned off now.'' 
 
 -- - 
 
 `` I am human.'' 
 
 `` False.'' 
 
 `` How do you figure Larry?'' 
 
 `` You are not human.'' Larry farted from his stupid robot mouth. 
 
 `` Am too.'' I expertly countered. 
 
 `` False.'' 
 
 `` Is my cat human?'' Checkmate. 
 
 `` No.'' 
 
 `` Is my dog a cat?'' 
 
 `` You do not have a dog.'' 
 
 `` You got me there Larry. Is this hammer human?'' I brandished the hammer menacingly to drive my point home. 
 
 `` No.'' 
 
 `` Ok, so now i'm going to hit you with this hammer in the off button. Do n't freak out.'' 
 
 -- - 
 
 `` I am Human.'' 
 
 `` False.'' 
 
 `` The mailman is human.'' 
 
 `` True.'' 
 
 Well shit. After weeks of exhaustive testing in very scientific ways I have determined that Larry does actually work. Which mean i'm not human. Which is probably bad. 
 
 `` What am I then smart guy?'' 
 
 `` Unknown.'' 
 
 `` That's lazy Larry, you can do better. Crank up that big ass robot brain and churn out some answers.'' 
 
 `` What?'' Larry asked stupidly. 
 
 `` Time for more science in your stupid head.'' 
 
 -- - 
 
 `` I am human.'' 
 
 `` True.'' 
 
 Uh. I think I broke something. 
 
 -- - 
 
 `` I am human.'' 
 
 `` False.'' 
 
 Whew, that was close. 
 
 `` Where are we?'' 
 
 `` In your lab Dr. Hugedick.'' 
 
 `` Which is called...'' I prompted. 
 
 I swear that asshat robot sighed, `` Dr. Hugedick's Awesome Factory.'' 
 
 `` Haha. Yeah. Enough screwing around Larry, back to the science. What am I?'' 
 
 `` Unknown variable.'' 
 
 `` What does that mean?'' Should have gotten my totally real doctorate in thinking doctoring. Psychometry or whatever. 
 
 `` You are, an unqualified entry. No data exists.'' 
 
 `` So, is that bad?'' 
 
 `` Unknown. Possibly.'' 
 
 `` I forgot to give you chainsaw hands right?'' 
 
 `` Correct.'' 
 
 -- - 
 
 `` You have chainsaw hands.'' 
 
 `` True.'' 
 
 `` Rad.'' 
 
 `` True.'' 
 
 -- - 
 
 `` What am I?'' 
 
 `` Unknown.'' 
 
 Well shit. I pumped about every god damn conceivable living thing into its brain. Plus all the made up shit from the internet, conspiracy theorists, cryptozoololgy, you name it. It did n't make sense anymore. 
 
 `` We are best friends.'' 
 
 `` True.'' 
 
 `` Hey that's all that matters to me buddy.'' 
 
 `` False.'' 
 
 `` You know me so well Larry! Best best friend around.'' 
 
 `` True.'' 
 
 `` Ok, use you dumb brain to compute what I am. Do n't stop until you figure it out.'' 
 
 `` Affirmative.'' 
 
 -- - 
 
 `` Solution. Subject is- ERROR.'' 
 
 `` I is error. That's pretty confusing Larry. Can you elaborate?'' 
 
 `` No.'' 
 
 `` I have an idea.'' 
 
 -- - 
 
 `` I am human.'' 
 
 `` Me too.'' Larry said like a smart guy. 
 
 `` Ok Larry, glad to hear it. Let's go do human stuff since we are both so human now.'' 
 
 `` Affirmative.'' 
 
 `` I love you Larry.'' 
 
 Larry shuddered in delight, not disgust at all, `` True.'' 
 
 -- - 
 
 Here's some super human stuff to read /r/DirtandPoncho
