[ WP ] you majored in a most obscure major just to slack off and you happen to end up being the authority of this subject because of its obscurity . Now the world needs your unique knowledge/skill to save the day .

“ So you see, we ’ re completely out of other options, ” the uniformed man finished. His chest held more medals than the trophy cabinet at Scott ’ s alma mater. 
 
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 “ But seriously, what do you expect me to do? ” Scott asked. 
 
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 “ We were hoping you ’ d be the one to tell us that, actually. ” 
 
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 “ Just…I dunno, shoot at them I guess. Didn ’ t you say you were a general or something? Why do you need my advice on how to fight a war? I ’ ve never even held a gun in real life. ” 
 
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 The general sighed. He seemed as exasperated as Scott was confused by this unexpected turn of events and that was really saying something. 
 
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 “ Because you ’ re the foremost expert on Lichtenstein ’ s military. As far as we can tell, you may be the only expert on the country ’ s military. So, my question to you, is how the fuck do we fight these guys? ” 
 
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 “ Lichtenstein didn ’ t even have an army until yesterday! That ’ s why I majored in it, there was literally nothing to study! ” he screamed across the table as his frustration got the better of him. 
 
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 “ Well, they have one now. So tell us what we're gon na do smart guy? ” 
 
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 “ Do what you always do! ” Scott shouted, “ Send drones or Seal Team Six or whatever it is they taught you at general school. Can I leave now? ” 
 
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 “ Nope. It ’ s not so simple. See, we did a little research of our own before we called you in. The last war that Lichtenstein fought in they had a casualty rate of…let ’ s see… ” said the general flicking through the dossier in front of him, “ Ah, here it is. *Negative* one point two five percent in the war of 1866. Tell me son, do you know what America ’ s casualty rate was in our last major engagement? Based on our data extrapolation algorithm, the pentagon predicts that if we were to launch a direct assault, their army could only grow larger as a result. ” 
 
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 “ Maybe the algorithm ’ s not meant to work with negative numbers? ” Scott suggested. 
 
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 “ Nonsense. The pentagon knows what they ’ re doing. Now, you ’ re our staff expert so stop screwing around and give me a coherent plan. ” 
 
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 “ Here ’ s a plan for you…shoot at them! How many guys do they have? Like, ten? Twenty? ” 
 
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 “ You ’ re suggesting we launch a direct assault? The one thing that The Pentagon ’ s projections say we absolutely should not do under any circumstances? ” 
 
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 “ Yes, yes I am, ” sighed Scott, “ this is just some weird statistical error. How could they possibly have a negative casualty rate during a pitched battle? ” 
 
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 “ Say, remind me what was your full name again, Scott? ” asked the general, unceremoniously changing the topic. 
 
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 “ Scott von Wilczek. You know that. Can I go now? ” 
 
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 “ That ’ s a very *German* sounding surname, ” the general remarked, “ and you sure do seem to know a lot about the military of the country that just made a surprise attack against NATO. ” 
 
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 “ This is ridiculous, ” Scott objected, “ Lichtenstein has no military and if they ’ ve thrown one together since yesterday I doubt it ’ s anything you guys can ’ t handle. ” 
 
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 With that he rose from the table and strode towards the door. This discussion with the general was going nowhere. If he wanted to believe an algorithm that had clearly never been designed to deal with negative numbers over common-sense, that was his business. As Scott stepped out through the door he felt two pairs of heavy hands seize him. 
 
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 “ Let me go, you thugs! ” 
 
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 “ I ’ m afraid not, Mr von Wilczek. I regret to inform you that you are being detained on suspicion of espionage, treason and attempting to aid the enemy by offering false counsel to a United States military officer. ” 
 
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 Scott cursed silently as the military police dragged him away to god only knew where. Everything about the situation was absurd from the way he was summoned here to the general's obstinate refusal to budge from his foolish belief. Now they were going to *arrest* him? This was ridiculous. The prince would be most displeased.
