[ WP ] `` What does n't kill me has made a tactical error . ''

Dear Anna, 
 
 I started writing this letter to you a while ago. This is probably the best truth that can come out of such a letter. 
 
 A year ago I decided to put in the paperwork and have the company participate in the Erasmus+ programme. I did this without proper permission. Even though I wasn ’ t given the red immediately, my red-green light soon turned yellow. 
 
 The application was a rather struggle-free process and soon CVs were flowing in. For a while, I took it for what it was, my responsibility. It started by reading and responding to each and every CV, first in an engaging way and less along the way. In the beginning I had my “ rockstars ” separated from the rest of the children and different subs under my basic intern categories. It was a system with some level of complication, but not as complicated as some of the external factors weighing in. My anticipated results were dubbed by the Management as indifferent to our sense of urgency and unrealistic. 
 
 The Management often accuses me of that. So unless you prove me otherwise, I am guilty as charged. 
 
 My project was dead pretty much by the time I started bulking the incoming into lesser categories and more pages of uread mails. Then, one day, I felt my mailbox heavy, loaded with crap, so I deleted hundreds of Spam, and my ‘ INTERNS ’ mega-folder. I can ’ t remember when was this or how much time had passed up until your email, which I opened and scanned quickly – thought: maybe – responded professionally sending you the job ’ s description and that was it. Our communication began. 
 
 You needed the credits, I needed the staff. My decision was based on my sense of urgency, which unlike what the Management likens to believe, derives from our collective sense of urgency. For a whole week I struggled with the idea and attempted to overcome this struggle by writing a letter to you. This letter was lingering in stchara @ gmail.com drafts from April 2nd ( on the day I was given your official notification of acceptance ) until April 9th when I deleted my convoluted, lectury, self-apprehensive Draft for a oneliner: “ Yes you may start and end your training a week earlier or later, just let me know what your travelling plan is once you know exactly. ” 
 
 This is what I told the Management in my quest for the Green Light: the language you speak and that we need you. That the programme will pay for everything, not one-cent needs to come out of our pocket if we don ’ t want it to. Yes, we have a responsibility to train her not teach her. There are no lessons loaded in exercises, all the learning is in the observation. But while I think such things now, during the first week of April I was going through some agony about your case. If you remember, I eventually talked about it with you, not to deprive you of expectations but things to anticipate. My guilt of all time has been that I should have given you the benefit of a doubt earlier on, before your official acceptance. Our brief break in communication between the end of March and beginnings of April – those 10 days – made me assume that we had more in-between time. The the job description would have been our kickstart for conversation, not the seal of approval. 
 
 I know for a fact that this is not an interesting position and that no one, in our office at least, can teach you this as a career. There is no Wolf of Wallstreet roaming our office halls, just tumbleweed, silence and my dog. By the time we had our first Skype conversation it felt too late to mention broken machines and family rows, but I did it anyway and for some time it calmed me down. 
 
 I ’ ve wonder if by resolving my worries I placed more burden on your shoulders. I ’ ve wondered if that Skype conversation should have happened first or at all. I ’ ve wondered if I ’ m emotionally or otherwise capable to handle a new co-worker/trainee. The first thing you will learn in our office is that “ No ” is the rightful answer to all questions. The next thing you will learn is that “ Yes ” is always the least affordable. 
 
 Everything is situational, including ourselves and this relationship we are about to embark on. When I re-read your CV on April 2nd, I realised you were much more complex, beyond your language and your business degree, with publications on gender inequality in the labour market and state-led innovation systems. I saw in you my passion for education. I found an ally. That ’ s when accepting you became as much exciting as it was hard for me. Nothing could betray such doubts in my answer. Even if later on I exposed these thoughts to you, seeking to resolve my conscious inhibitions and to provide you with the right to an exit from a shithole, I did it because there was still time. Time is all there is, to say No and to say Yes, in everything. 
 
 Here ’ s what ’ s funny. When I gave up on pursuing the Programme, the Programme didn ’ t know about it. When I decided to act on my pursuit, the Management didn ’ t know about it. Your letter of approval was as short as the time of discussion I had with others about it and so I went with it. I write to you today with my basic worries unaffected, nothing has changed except one: time ripens. 
 
 You are hear to train and I am here to learn. You will train yourself while working with little or nothing, the same resources that teach me how to take responsibility. 
 
 Time ripens.
