[ WP ] your personal life is a complete wreck , but you never cry about it , thanks to this tear-free shampoo .

`` It's handy, really. It's like I do n't even feel a thing anymore.'' 
 
 I recommend this shampoo to all my friends. Not only does it make my hair glisten, it keeps me from being an emotional wreck. 
 
 `` Seriously. No tears. Could n't cry if I wanted to. And why in the world would I want to?'' 
 
 In the past three months I've lost my job, my wife, custody of the kids, and I've been feeling a sharp pain in my ribs every time I lie down on my left side. But on the bright side, I've found the wonderful no-tears shampoo. Makes me feel like I've just gotten that new bonus, or like my kids were right here next to me. Or like I have no ribs at all! Not to mention my hair is like a model's. Even my chest hair is fuller. 
 
 `` Comes with a non-toxic conditioner too!'' I tell them. The shampoo is expensive, sure. But for a generic pharmacy brand wash, it is worth the price many times over. Not to mention it smells like lilacs. Her favourite flower. 
 
 `` It prevents dandruff, too!'' I used to have very flaky hair. It was like a blizzard whenever I scratched my head. But now the dandruff is all gone. My scalp is as smooth as a freshly zambonied ice rink. 
 
 But recently I've felt more uncomfortable in the shower than usual. My hair feels clean, but I feel almost impotent, emotionally. But man does my hair feel clean! Like a Greek God. Or a Roman One. Whichever had better hair! 
 
 It feels like when you shake up a plastic soda bottle, but only slightly twist the cap. There's fizz, and carbonation. But it's all pent up under the plastic. If you just twist it a little more... 
 
 I know you're not supposed to taste the shampoo, no matter *how* good it tastes. And I have n't really, not on purpose. But at one point I was n't really paying attention, and some got on my tongue. It tasted like a thick tea, if that makes any sense. Something herbal. With that definite bitter, lemony taste of lilac. 
 
 I bought another bottle of shampoo the other day. Not a generic, this time something with essential oils. I think. It does n't matter whats in it, I should probably throw it out. I already have shampoo, I do n't know why I bought another. It's not even tear-free. 
 
 But, I kinda wanted to try something different. And as I step into the shower, it's the new shampoo in my hands. Not the lilac. And I lather my hands and massage my wet hair with the shampoo, but I'm not being careful. And some drips into my eyes. 
 
 Almost immediately my eyes squint reactively, and a waterfall of saltwater erupts from under my eyelids. 
 
 And it all comes out in the wash. 

