[ WP ] Your son did as your will said and gave you a viking funeral because you thought it sounds cool . Beyond , a viking ghost yells at you for doing so and tosses you a weapon . Good Luck , Steve . It 's going to be a long afterlife .

She was silver, with wings of the purest white. She wrapped her arms about me, I ’ d consider it tender and loving. Except her steel gauntlets pinched viciously against my armpits, the fires consumed my long cold corpse, like kindling to a flame. 
 
 *Who are you? * I would of asked, but no words could pass my lips as I ascended. My family was sprawled out beneath me, a modest turnout at best, all in mourning clothes. My son, he did not cry. But simply pinched his nose and frowned. I suppose I am cooking down there. 
 
 Shrugging I look up upon the woman who carries me with such ease, her face was a mask wrought iron, gilded in silver runes. Swan feather decorated where visor joined helm, an inch of where her ears would be. I ’ d consider her a statue animated. If not for the slight glimpse of a fine angular chin where her gorget met her helmet. 
 
 *A Beautiful Angel. * I decided based on that small slither of exposed flesh that my ride gracefully chose to leave un-armoured. How one tells that based on just a bit of chin I could not explain. *Hi, my name is Steve. * I try to say, but my vocal cords fail to respond. 
 
 As her great white wings flap more ferociously and the mourning figures below turn to naught but ants beneath my feet, I can ’ t help but notice the hard lumps of steel cracking against the back of my skull with each flutter of her wings. 
 
 *Beautiful and well endowed. * I decided, looking up once more, I can ’ t help but feel the dark shadowed eye slits of the angel would be looking at me with reproach. But that would be silly, no one can read minds. 
 
 Frowning I take a moment to consider my current situation, I died. That ’ s a simple fact, I am burning a few hundred meters below and am currently ascending to heaven, and the world is going black… 
 
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 And then it hit me, with a crack. A great bearded face with a veined bulbous nose was screaming at me, his arms thick as tree-trunks with vast intricate scripts tattooed along the length and breadth of his arms. I fell to the floor, he screamed at me again. Yellow rotten teeth spraying spittle across my face. 
 
 He sticks a large booted foot upon my chest, I hear ribs crack as he applies his weight, he grabs the handle sprouting out of my forehead with both hands. And then he pulls viciously, as the hammerhead parts from my skull with an unpleasant squelch. I can ’ t help but consider as the world once more fades to black, that perhaps I was wrong in my previous assessment. And this was not heaven. 
 
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 “ Crap, you standing there for arseling. ” The bearded man shouts at me, brandishing his great war-hammer in his right hand, willow-wood shield adorned with a painted device of a white raven on a black field in the other. 
 
 Coming to sudden realization that I should perhaps run, I attempt to turn away. When a well chiseled youth, tall with resplendent gold hair and emerald green eyes thrusts a spear into you hand. “ Spit him, lord. ” the youth tells me helpfully. 
 
 I arch a brow taking the spear on impulse, as I attempt to ask the youth what is happening, once more, I hear the roar of the veiny nosed man. And promptly, I turned, and fled. 
 
 Now, I can ’ t say what was the last thing that went through my mind. But I highly suspect it was that hammer again. I woke up sometime later, to bawdy songs about women. Across from me the handsome youth was miming something to the bulbous nosed man with his fingers. 
 
 “ Hi, my name is Steve. ” I said, making myself jump. I did not expect my vocal cords to suddenly start functioning again, I look around confused and gaze at the expectant faces of Bulbous nose and Handsome Youth. “ Where am I? ” 
 
 “ Where are ya! ” Bulbous nose says, “ Steve, you ’ re in the hall of Odin himself, where you shall spend eternity in glorious battle, till Ragnarok. ” he nodded to himself as if that explained everything. 
 
 “ Ah, of course. ” I replied, still looking somewhat perplexed. But I did not wish to appear stupid in front of my new drinking partners. Sipping on the ale laid out before me, I try to plot my escape. 
 
 Then a low horn blast filled the hall, the hundreds of fellow ’ s that I am currently sharing the great feasting hall with all stand and begin to rather neatly exit the premises in double file. I choose to stand next to bulbous nose, less he sticks a hammer in my skull again. 
 
 “ Where are we going? ” I ask politely. 
 
 The handsome youth smiles at me “ War of course, we ’ re to fight against Thor ’ s Long Hall. ” he says in a tone that would have me believe that explained everything. 
 
 “ I ’ m Steve. ” Is all I could come up with as a matter of reply. 
 
 “ Ragnar. ” Growls the bulbous nose man. 
 
 “ Guthbert. ” States the handsome youth. And then we exited the hall into a cloud of pale grey mist. 
 
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 It was at this moment, standing in the midst of a horde of screaming, growling barbarian warriors that I realized I probably should've stayed in the hall. 
 
 But here I was, with a ashwood shafted spear and a willow-wood shield bearing a strange device, a nintendo switch upon a pale blue field. I decided that I should try and blend in, and began to shout insults along with my fellow hall-men. 
 
 “ Who ate all the pies! ” I would scream, “ You fat bastards, you fat bastards, you ate all the pies. ” much to my surprise, bulbous nose or Ragnar as it turns out he is known and Guthbert began to chant alongside me. And then the whole war-band was screaming about Bustards, Bastards, Buttfarts and Pies. 
 
 It seems even in hell people remain hard of hearing. 
 
 It ’ s at this point that the mists before us began to clear and the shield wall of the opposing long hall came into view. My shouting swiftly died off, replaced by a strange warm dampness seeping down my trousers. 
 
 A tall resplendent warrior, with a great high helm, crowned with a snarling wolf stepped forth from the opposing shield wall. He shouted something in a strange tongue and pointed a great long sword in my direction. 
 
 “ New guy, you ’ re up. ” Guthbert informs me with a shove. 
 
 “ Steve! ” shouts Ragnar. 
 
 Soon the whole war band is shouting my name in encouragement, with the opposing war band sneering and snarling in my general direction. The wolf helm warrior urinates in my direction, while making horns with his free hand. 
 
 Looking around for a path of escape and finding none I reside myself to my fate. Hoisting up my shield with my unusual device and lowering my spear, I charged at the wolf helmeted warrior. Screaming at the top of my lungs. 
 
 He moved gracefully, like liquid water upon the battlefield. Just as I got within reach to shaft him with my spear as Guthbert previously advised he stepped smoothly to the side. And as I slipped clumsily passed him, I felt steel bite into my neck. And then the world was spinning. 
 
 Looking up at my twitching, headless corpse from this strange vantage point I can ’ t help but feel that I am going to have a hard time in this strange afterlife. 
 
 Before the world went black once more, I can ’ t help but remember my instructor's words before my first skydive. 
 
 “ Good luck Steve. ” 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

