[ WP ] The sky ripped open , and through it fell a book .

“ What the fuck? ” Colin cried, narrowly evading the falling book. 
 
 A cloud of dirt plumed around him and the shallow crater it had created. Colin swatted at the dust and coughed. 
 
 A deep bellowing voice echoed from the sky. “ Hey! ” It resounded angrily, “ Who are you? You ’ re not supposed to be here! ” 
 
 Colin scanned the sky briefly, assuming the LSD he dropped the previous day was coming back for another how-do-you-do. 
 
 “ -God? ” Colin finally questioned the void. 
 
 “ Me damn it! ” It shouted, “ You ask for one simple task, one tiny, miniscule task, but nooo… Worthless humans. It ’ s not like I ’ m asking him to part a fucking sea or anything. ” 
 
 Wide-eyed, like a deer in headlights, Colin searched the area for any other bewildered spectators. He was certain now that he was relapsing. 
 
 “ I told Ethan to meet me here, today. The first sunday of April, ” God said. 
 
 “ I… I ’ m sorry? ” Colin replied. 
 
 “ Ugh, ” The holy voice boomed through the open plains, “ It ’ s not your fault. Jesus is always whining: ‘ Be more patient, Dad! ’ but I ’ m sick and tired of being patient! 
 
 `` I swear to me,'' God began mumbling to himself, “ When I find Ethan there ’ s going to bring some heavy, heavy, wrath brought down on him and his family. ” 
 
 Colin blinked repeatedly. 
 
 “ Anyway, I ’ m rambling, ” God said. He exhaled a heavy sigh, “ Well, I guess you ’ ll have to do. ” 
 
 “ M-Me? ” Colin said. 
 
 “ No, that dumb fucking cow over there. ” 
 
 Colin watched as a cow grazed upon the fresh grass from a prairie a few meters away. It raised its head, chewing unassumingly. 
 
 “ Yes, Colin, of course you, ” God boomed. 
 
 “ What- What is it you want me to do? ” 
 
 “ You see that book that I chucked down there? ” 
 
 Colin inspected the miraculously intact book impacted into the earth. 
 
 “ You mean the one that almost killed me? ” Colin asked. 
 
 “ Yes, Colin, ” God snapped snidely, “ and if I had better aim, the gene pool might have been just a little bit stronger with you gone… ” 
 
 “ Wow. You know, you ’ re kind of a dick, ” Colin boldly remarked. 
 
 “ EXCUSE ME? ” God thundered, furiously. 
 
 “ You ’ re going to call ME a dick?? ” God said, “ ME... GOD.... You ’ re going to call GOD a dick? Do you know what kind of pain I could bring down on you right now? Do you have any idea? Why don ’ t you take a second and imagine the worst possible pain you can... ” 
 
 Colin silently contemplated, as he began to shrink with fear. 
 
 “ Got it? Ok, now what I can actually do is much, much worse than that. You ’ re lucky Ethan flaked, honestly. ” 
 
 Colin reached down and pried out the book, dusting off the dirt to read the book ’ s cover. 
 
 *The Holy Bible: The New, New Testament* 
 
 The title read. 
 
 “ New, new testament… ” Colin spoke softly to himself. 
 
 “ Yes, Jesus came up with the title. ” God said, “ I ’ m not a fan but he says it will work. That ’ s besides the point. Look, I ’ m handing you a once in a lifetime opportunity. You ’ re going to be the next messiah! ” 
 
 “ Oh, jeez God... I don ’ t know- ” 
 
 “ It ’ s easy really. Moses did it and he ’ s always been kind of a buck short if you know what I mean. ” 
 
 God laughed hardily, as the tenor shook the earth beneath Colin ’ s feet. 
 
 “ Well, alright I guess. ” Colin reluctantly agreed, ‘ So, what ’ s in this ‘ New New Testament ’? ” 
 
 “ It ’ s a demographic thing really, ” God said, “ We really started falling behind on young followers, especially ever since the fucking condom was invented. Thank ’ s for that one Lucifer. ” 
 
 “ Ok… ” Colin said 
 
 “ Jesus said we ’ d get more youngsters if we punch up the action, ” God said, “ so this version has substantially more vampires and alien encounters, and we decided to add a bunch of illustrations. Jesus also said he didn ’ t think he came off as much of a ‘ badass ’ as he wanted, so he wrote in some shit about the lost tales of how he kicked seven aliens ’ asses with the pole of an American flag. ” 
 
 “ That- That doesn ’ t even make sense, ” Colin replied. 
 
 “ Well It doesn ’ t have to make sense, so why don ’ t you shut the fuck up and let me be the omnipotent ruler of the universe. Ok?? Is that ok with you, Colin? ” 
 
 “ Whatever, man, I just want to go home, ” 
 
 “ Well, look just take this book and pass it around California. They ’ re eating that Scientology shit up right now. ” 
 
 Colin shook his head and tucked the book under his arm. 
 
 “ Alright, now go! ” God boomed. 
 
 -- - 
 
 “ Mommy, ” said a young girl who had been watching from afar the strange man looking up and speaking to the sky, “ Who is that weird man talking to. ” 
 
 The woman squinted into the distance to try to identify him. 
 
 “ Oh that ’ s Colin Hurst, ” the woman finally said, “ you never, ever, speak to that man. Do you understand? You do not speak to him. ” 
 
 “ But why? ” the naive girl asked. 
 
 “ He and your daddy, did some things that were bad when they were young. Those bad things have eaten his brain. ” 
 
 “ They ate his brain?? ” the girl shrieked, 
 
 “ Yes, honey, they ate his brain.'' the woman said, `` Promise mommy you'll never do drugs. It ’ s never cool, no matter what your friends might say. ” 
 
 The little girl was silent and fixed her gaze back on the strange man. 
 
 The mother reached into her pocket and pulled out her cell phone. 
 
 “ Your dad should ’ ve been here hours ago… I ’ d better call him. ” 
 
 She unlocked the screen and typed E-T-H, until *Ethan* was suggested on the screen, and tapped ‘ Call ’. 
 
 *Fin* 
 
 & nbsp; 
 
 -- - 
 
 Yes, this was stupid. No, you ca n't get back that wasted time. Sorry. 
 
 Did you at least exhale swiftly through your nose at anything I wrote? I hope so. 
 
 Check out more crap at my sub, /r/perpetuallyMeh, and as always, thank you for reading! 
 
 -Meh
