[ WP ] You are the devil and you have been summoned via a satanic ritual . As you manifest yourself you find yourself in a quaint living room and meet a sweet old lady who just wants some company

Fucking Franny. 
 
 `` Seriously? Again, Franny?'' 
 
 `` I'm sorry, Lucky, but you know I get lonely,'' she replied in her oblivious, elderly-as-fuck manner. 
 
 `` Jesus Christ, bitch, get a fucking cat like every other fucking dying, wrinkly, lonely, old-as-fuck-smelling bag-of-fucking-calcium-deficient-bones does,'' I sneered. `` And for fuck's sake, you cunt, I told you not to call me Lucky.'' 
 
 She smiled. 
 
 Goddammit, that fucking smile. Warm and sincere and welcoming and shit. It was fucking gross. 
 
 And holy hell, what a horrid dress she was wearing this time. I wondered if she had put it on specifically to conjure me into this fucking poor excuse for a mobile home, the third time she'd done so this month. At least the last two times she wore something approaching a normal outfit for an old human wench; something like slacks and a knitted sweater or some shit. You know, normal fuckin' old people clothes. 
 
 This time she was wearing a full-length dress with brown and orange flowers all over it. 
 
 Fucking Franny. 
 
 `` What the fuck are you smiling at, bitch?'' I snapped. `` You look like you're wearing fucking window curtains from the 50's. Are you fucking retarded?'' 
 
 `` Oh Lucky, you're so charming,'' she said. `` Would you like a cigarette?'' Her smile -- indeed, her entire demeanor -- went from sweet and sincere to dry and cutting. 
 
 `` Fucking smartass,'' I replied. 
 
 She lit a Marlboro Light and took the kind of draw on it that signals to everyone who sees it that this ai n't her first tobacco rodeo. 
 
 `` So,'' she said without yet exhaling, her demeanor returning to that gross, effortless, elderly sincerity, `` what do you think of what I've done with the place?'' 
 
 `` Fuck you,'' I huffed immediately, staring her down. `` That's what I think.'' 
 
 She half-smiled, and looked around slowly, as if observing her own residence for the very first time. I realized that she was preparing to tell me everything she'd done to it since she last conjured me. Shit, please do n't, I thought to myself. Fuckin' BORRRRR-INNNNNNGGGGG. 
 
 She finally exhaled, sending plumes of smoke directly toward the circle into which I was summoned in her living room. The plumes passed by me unaffected, since I'm fucking Lucifer. I do n't need to breathe and I do n't have to physically interact with any-fucking-thing in this realm that I do n't want to. So fuck your smoke plume, Franny. And fuck you. 
 
 `` Oh Lucky,'' she laughed, `` I did n't do anything to the place! It's just like it was the last time I brought you here. But,'' she said, `` I did get a new microwave! Is n't it wonderful?'' She gestured toward, yup, you guessed it, a new fucking microwave. 
 
 `` Franny, listen, I know you've had a rough time lately. You're withdrawn. You're lonely and shit. I get it, okay. I fucking get it.'' I sighed. `` I can help you.'' 
 
 `` You can?'' She drew in closer to me, but remained outside the conjuring circle. She's sweet, not stupid. 
 
 `` Yes, I can. Really.'' 
 
 `` I'm listening,'' she said, practically beaming. 
 
 `` That new microwave, how many watts is it?'' 
 
 `` Two thousand,'' she advised. 
 
 `` Perfect!'' I exclaimed. `` Listen carefully.'' 
 
 She leaned in. 
 
 `` Stick. Your. Fucking. Head. In. It. And. Kill. Yourself.'' 
 
 She frowned. I realized much later how fucking weak I was in the moment to have considered this a victory. I was fucking stoked to see her smile not only disappear, but invert. Fucking whore. God it felt so fucking good, though. 
 
 She stood up and backed away, pausing momentarily. 
 
 `` It's okay, Lucky,'' she condescended, `` You do n't mean it.'' 
 
 `` Oh but I do, you stupid bitch. I'm THE FUCKING DEVIL, HELLO, HOW FUCKING STUPID ARE YOU?'' 
 
 She smiled. 
 
 `` You're so cute when you're mad,'' she said. `` I baked some cookies. A cookie will make you feel better. Do you want a cookie?'' 
 
 I did want a cookie, actually, but not hers, not now. 
 
 `` Did you say pussy? Fuck yeah, gim me some pussy, Franny. I'll take that fuckin' pussy.'' 
 
 She laughed. 
 
 `` Silly Lucky,'' she said. `` Here.'' She leaned over and carefully placed a cookie into my circle. I kicked it back outside of the circle. 
 
 `` Fuck your goddamn cookies!'' I shouted. 
 
 `` Now, now, Lucky. You know you ca n't go anywhere for 24 hours,'' she said. `` You know the rules.'' 
 
 Fuck. 
 
 Fuck fuck fuck! 
 
 `` FINE!'' I boomed. `` Give me the goddamn cookie!'' 
 
 She pushed it back the two inches that I had managed to kick it off of the cup holder onto which she had conjured me, which sat on an end table in her living room. 
 
 I sank my teeth into the cookie, and was mildly entertained contemplating how it might look like someone taking a fucking bite out of the side of a mountain. 
 
 `` See? Do n't you feel better now?'' she asked me. 
 
 `` NO I DO N'T FEEL BETTER YOU FUCKING CUNT!'' But I was lying, of course, because that's what I do. The cookie was fucking delicious. 
 
 `` Oh Lucky,'' she replied. `` You're so charming.'' 
 
 Fucking Franny.
