[ CC ] What do you think ? I was going for a tense , thriller kind of a feeling .

Before I get into the criticism part let me say this. the story is intriguing and engaging. I like the character, I like his fear, his actions, his mild insanity about his life and guilt. I like his reflections on himself. Overall, I like the theme and concept. 
 
 
 I bolded words that you could better find the notations, but ther is nothing special about the words themselves, just place markers. 
 
 
 > Raymond was running through the forest away from the **town. **^1 He knew the guards would be looking for him. He could n't believe how stupid he had **been. **^2 He heard the guards yelling behind him, trying to find where he was. Raymond found a considerably large tree with a split in the trunk. The tree had been hollowed out at its base, probably by an animal or **something. **^3 He wedged himself inside, shut his eyes, and prayed **the**^4 would n't find him. He could barely breath, he was feeling **claustrophobic**^5, he could n't be in here for very long. He heard footsteps coming closer. Then he saw a guards legs right in front of him. The guard walked a bit more forward and his whole body was revealed to Raymond. He was tall, probably around 6'3'' and he weighed close to 300 pounds. Raymond was small, not even reaching 5' 4'' or 120 pounds, he would never be able to take him. He had his back turned away from Raymond looking for where he was. Raymond saw his chance, **well**^6 the guard was looking around he slowly, and quietly crept out of his hiding **spot. **^7 He picked a large rock up from the ground, and creeped up behind the guard. He **bashed**^8 the guard over the head with the rock, the guard let out a yelp and collapsed, blood oozing from the wound on his head. `` Over here'' Raymond heard. `` I thought I heard something.'' Raymond ran back to his hiding spot and jammed himself inside. He saw two more guards run up to the first guards body. They flipped him over and one of them felt for a pulse. The man shook his head. What? Raymond thought. He had n't hit him that hard how was he dead? The full gravity of the situation hit Raymond all at once. He tried to hold back tears but it was no use. He was a murderer. He had taken someone else's life and he had no one to blame but himself. He **sniffled**^9. The guards turned and looked right into his eyes. Raymond felt pure panic enter him. He crawled out of the tree and ran as fast as he **could**^10 back towards the town. He could n't see the buildings because the trees were so thick. Tears were in his eyes, making his vision blurry. He could barely make out the **trees. **^11 He was stumbling around worse then ever. The guards would catch up to him soon. Then he could die, and he would never have to deal with the guilt of what he had done. Having nothing would be better then having to deal with this horrible guilt. He heard the guards **footsteps**^12 behind him, getting closer and closer. He knew that it would be soon. He was anticipating it. Then something happened he did n't expect. A guard stepped out from behind a tree, sword drawn. Raymond ran right into **it**^12. The sword took the air from him. He could n't breath. He suddenly felt very cold. He was right, this was **better. **^13 He never had to deal with the overwhelming guilt of taking another life. For the last few seconds of his life he let a smile spread across his face. Then he fell, **dead, **^14 to the ground. 
 
 
 1. The introduction is great, and I understand that you want to get right to the action, but further description here can really set the mood. For example, His heart crashed against his chest and he could feel his muscles twitching with overuse, ready to give up, but a deep fear drove him onward through the frigid night'' You have both expanded the surroundings and really emphasized through physical traits and the final emotional state that this is a man on the run. The first sentence, alone, in a vacuum, without you mentioning that you were going for a tense thriller feeling could easily be construed as a man out for a jog. 
 
 
 2. My opinion is that you cut back to the guards to quick, or if you are going to cut straight back to the guards have it as an interruption, for example, He could n't believe how stupid he was, why had he... but a shrill call went out through the night and he knew his premonition had come true, the night watch was on the prowl, hunting him through the night's dark. 
 
 
 3. If the `` or something'' is Raymond's thought I can understand where you're coming from, but it seems a little odd addition given that he's on the run and thinking is a luxury. 
 
 
 4. Should be `` they'' 
 
 
 5. I think using the word claustrophobic is to easy. You really want to describe the feeling, not just state it. For example, He could barely breath, the walls pressed down against him, tighter and tighter. Was it his imagination but the space seemed smaller by the moment and he could feel the weight crushing down on him. He closed his eyes and tried not to scream as he felt the raw wood grinding against his soft flesh. 
 
 
 6. Should be `` while'' 
 
 
 7. This is a pivotal moment and I think it would be improved with a bit more description of the escape. For example, `` His foot gingerly moved out in front of him, his mind desperately sorting what portion of the ground would lay silently for him when he stepped forward. Sweat soaked through his shirt as he put first one then a second hand on the edges of the slit in the tree. His mind screamed for escape from that cursed hole, but he stayed steady, moving centimeter by centimeter out through that slim gap, a watchful eye always on the vengeful creature before him. Finally, the last gasp of himself was out, back into the chill night air. 
 
 
 8. I think that bashed is too simple a word to use here. We really want the reader to feel the impact. For example, The rock moved slowly and steadily up to it's apex, held high above the short man's brow. He felt fear, anger, fury. The rock came down with a sudden sharpness, cutting through the air and then stopped against skin, blood, and bone with a sickening low crack. 
 
 
 9. I do n't think `` sniffled'' conveys enough despair here, maybe, `` His mouth covered with fear he still held back his sobs of anguish, tears flowing freely now, his vision blurred with the emotion running through him as he looked over his sin.'' I know that the tears kind of build up in the next little bit when he's running back, but I do n't think with a crime of this magnitude it can start too small. 
 
 
 10. Again, his breaking free could probably use a bit of elaboration, something like, `` He burst out through the cavity of the tree, stunning the guards hunting him. They reached forward towards him, but his sudden outburst had put them on their heels, falling back, and it was nothing more than feeble grasps. He tore through them and did n't look back to see them gathering themselves together and trying to make pursuit, but they were already far behind, and the night was dark, so very dark.'' 
 
 
 11. I'd combine these two sentences into one `` He could n't see the buildings because the trees were so thick, and even the trees were only barely visible through the tears that welled and flowed out from his eyes.'' 
 
 
 12. A two parter! The usage of the footsteps behind him makes it sound as though he has stopped. If he's running, I would imagine more like, `` He hears the pounding of steel on cobblestone as the guards behind continued their pursuit of their prey.'' Leading into, he ran right into the sword. So I'm assuming that he's been running this whole time. 
 
 
 12. - Twelve Part two ( Damn auto list ) - I'd embellish this a little more, something like, `` His force carried his body through the tip, spreading flesh, piercing through organs, and finally exiting through his back. Still his body pushed forward as the blade grew ever wider and wider until his skin felt the cold touch of the hilt against it.'' 
 
 
 13. Really like that set of sentences. 
 
 
 14. Dead certainly works for emphasis, still, I vote for describing it rather than saying it, `` Then he fell, heart beating weaker and weaker, until he hit the ground and his downward slide stopped, his heart a beat after, and Raymond, was no more.'' 
 
 
 Overall - If I have one piece of advice its this there is a balance between describing something and just outright stating something. I probably overdue the describing in my stories and I think you overdue the stating something. Language, words, are the texture of a story. You need to let them play a little bit more. Work on figuring out ways that you could describe an event instead of just saying the event. then find a happy medium and do n't overdue it, because that can ruin a story too. 
 
 
 Good Luck! 
 
 EDIT: Edited to fix all my own spelling and grammar mistakes, because no one takes advice from someone who can's spell proerply! Ack! More editing to fix badness!
