[ WP ] The night before Christmas , a train drunkenly pulls up right outside your house . It 's the Bipolar Express .

`` All aboard!'' 
 
 I heard the conductor's cry from the end of the street. Nearly stumbling in my step, I rushed toward it, a glooming fear in the pit of my belly telling me that I'd be too late. I nearly collapsed over the wild flail of my own legs as I reached it. 
 
 `` I'm too late, are n't I.'' It was a struggle just to spit the words out from my mouth. `` It was a waste to even try.'' 
 
 `` Nonsense!'' The conductor lifted his hat, a twinkle shining in his eye. `` You're right on time for the BiPolar Express! Will you be riding in the upper section or the lower section?'' 
 
 `` Oh,'' I stammered, `` I do n't know. What's the upper section like?'' 
 
 `` Oh, it's marvellous,'' he said. `` There are shopping malls everywhere! And credit cards for everyone! They sell tea cozies! You need tea cozies. You need a hundred tea cozies. Buy them now!'' 
 
 `` But wo n't I have to pay the credit card bill later?'' 
 
 `` Do n't think about that! Think about tea cozies! You need all of the tea cozies! You need to buy them all!'' 
 
 `` That does sound nice,'' I admitted. `` What food do they serve?'' 
 
 `` Chocolate you were going to give your daughter for Christmas,'' he announced. `` It's filled with caramel! You must eat it right away before anyone sees you!'' 
 
 `` But I'm on a diet!'' 
 
 `` Eat it!'' He handed me a package, wrapped with a bow, my daughter's name atop it. `` Eat it now!'' he sang, and I tore it open, stuffing it in my face. `` Eat it all! Faster! Faster!'' 
 
 `` Whut abert thur perple?'' I said, my mouth full of chocolate. 
 
 `` Great people!'' he said. `` Scott from work is there!'' 
 
 `` I hate Scott!'' I told him. 
 
 `` Have sex with Scott!'' he replied. 
 
 `` But I hate him!'' 
 
 `` You need to have sex with Scott! Do it! Do it now!'' 
 
 `` Alright.'' 
 
 It sounded lovely. I started to step aboard, but the energy to even lift my foot escaped me. 
 
 `` The thing is,'' I said, `` I'm feeling a little down these days.'' 
 
 `` Ah,'' he said. `` Then you'll be wanting the lower section.'' 
 
 `` And where are they seated?'' I asked. 
 
 The conductor pointed his finger toward the front of the train. There, on the tracks, was a mess of people with dejected faces, their heads rested on the rails, muttering impatiently about how they wished the train would just get on with it already. 
 
 I smiled and took the ticket. As I walked over to join them, I sighed, `` It looks marvellous. Just what I wanted.''
