[ WP ] You wake up in your room with an alien staring down at you . As he starts laughing in your face , he says : `` I did n't realize the human race was so inferior that they actually based their lives around technology ! ''

My alarm buzzed and I groaned. I knew exactly where the button was so I made an effort to slap the snooze and stretch my arm at the same time. I missed. The alarm clattered to the floor and switched to FM. Now I had extremely loud Spanish radio playing **and** I had to get up now instead of sleeping another ten minutes. I wiped drool from my mouth before slowly opening my eyes. 
 
 You know that feeling when you accidentally poop yourself? Like when you wake up and there ’ s a giant floating head staring at you? What? You ’ ve never experienced that? Okay well that is what happened. 
 
 The giant head sniffed the air, “ Oh my god did you really just shit yourself?! AHAHA! ” 
 
 So another question. Do you know that feeling when the giant head that caused you to crap yourself makes you feel bad about it? I ’ m going to assuming your answer was yes. 
 
 I opened my mouth to let him know what was what, “ WHAAGGHFUCK. ” 
 
 If a head could double over in laughter, this thing was doing it. 
 
 “ Oh man, this is great. ” 
 
 I sat up and shuffled to the bathroom, holding my backside. The head continued roaring in laughter at me. I cleaned up best that I could and wrapped a towel around me. The head was floating around looking at my T.V. and stuff. It shifted its focus back onto me. 
 
 “ I didn ’ t realize the human race was so inferior that they actually based their lives around technology! I mean look at this thing. What are you suppose to do with this? Stare at it? ” He floated over to my alarm that was still going off. “ And this thing is very loud and annoying. ” Lasers shot out of his eyes leaving a burnt charred spot on the ground. 
 
 “ Look mister... uhm... Head. I ’ m not sure what you are or what you ’ re doing here- ” 
 
 “ That is Captain Head to you. I am on an important mission to determine the human race ’ s progress and see if they are ready to join the galactic unity. ” He drifted much closer to me than I wanted him to. “ So far I am less than impressed. ” 
 
 Okay. I had an alien in my room and the fate of humanity rested on my shoulders. Mother always told me I would screw up big one day. Captain Head lifted my phone up with kinesis and began to thumb through it... without thumbs. 
 
 “ This is an interesting device though. Apps huh? Reddit, Grindr.. OH now this is an impressive app. Facebook! That sounds right up my alley. ” 
 
 The giant head spent the next few hours laughing and posting on my facebook profile. 
 
 “ Look, Captain Head. Didn ’ t you have an important mission? ” 
 
 “ Not now! Someone is wrong on the internet! I must inform them of this! ” 
 
 I sighed. If he kept this up he would find the bad side of the internet soon. I just hope he didn ’ t find goatse or blue waffle or something. 
 
 “ What is a goatse? ” He asked suddenly before clicking a link. His face began to twist and he screamed in pain as he dissolved into a pile of ash. 
 
 I looked down at his remains before saying a witty one liner, “ I guess you… uhm… didn ’ t get ahead in life….because you are dead. ” I am brilliant. The problem though is I have now probably started a galactic war against a race of flying heads with laser beam eyes.
