[ PI ] You are the last person to die and go to heaven . Humans have created a way to extend life indefinitely . You meet with God . He 's not happy .

`` The fuck mate? Yer a right cunt are n't ya?'' God boomed at poor chad. 
 
 `` Now tell me how in the fuck you mates right figured out how not to die yea?'' the cannon like voice continued. 
 
 Chad was quivering in his chair. He had been a generous and nice fellow all along, even if he was a bit cheeky here and there. He felt slightly wronged and yet still amazed to have god talking to him like he was some sort of degenerate. He craned his head up towards god's face to respond to him. The only problem was that his creator's face was too astonishingly bright to make out. He'd always wondered if God would look like Tom Hanks but to his dismay there was no way to confirm this. 
 
 `` Well God,... I mean Mr. God... I frankly do n't know. You see my IQ is quite low compared to the rest of the public, you see? I never quite got this immortality stuff. I guess that's why I'm not immortal, heh heh...'' Chad replied, very Shyly. 
 
 `` Fuckin' hell, have some confidence mate. I mean you're dead and all and I'm God... or Allah or Zeus... Whatever you follow.'' God boomed at him 
 
 `` I'm sorry, God. By the way I call you'God' if that's what you're asking. Terribly sorry mate, but I do n't know how this all works... Say God... I noticed you talk like us Australians. Why do n't you sound like a UK bloke or an American guuuy?'' asked Chad, Sheepishly. 
 
 `` Oh please, you cunts ruined the whole Australian speak. It used to be beautiful and meaningful, now you all just sound like a 1990's American fanboy trying to sound American'' God replied. 
 Chad looked a bit confused. After all, he was born in 2057 so he had no idea what God was referring to. 
 
 `` Well.. Sorry about that I guess. Anyways I'm really wondering why y'all sound Australian. Can you lay it out for me? All my life I had wondered so many things about our world, but now that I can finally meet you, this question is burning in my heart.'' Chaid said to God with pleading eyes. 
 
 God looked slightly confused. Then his expression switched to one of surprise, then he finally let out a smile. Unfortunately for Chad, he could n't see any of this as God's face was too bright for his poor eyes to fathom. He had to look at God's hands which looked like any normal human's hands, except of course 3 times larger. 
 
 `` Chad. You worthless bastard. Well, I suppose it's going to be a while before someone who can tell me the proper truth will be around here...'' God said with an irritated tone. 
 
 `` Well. I'll explain it to you, so be patient.'' God began. He seemed happy. He never had a reason to explain this story as everyone knew it without having to read a book or watch a video clip or even have their parents explain the situation to them. 
 
 But who's everyone?? You pesky readers. Obviously there's many `` Gods'', had n't you figured this out by now? This is heaven. Olympus. Valhalla, whatever you wan na call it. 
 
 `` Well Chad, back in the day, this whole heaven business was not populated with life.'' God began 
 
 `` What do you mean not populated with life, obvious-'' Chad started with his interruption 
 
 `` Chad shut your fucking cornmouth, yea?'' God said with a fury. 
 
 Chad's eyes opened wide and he simply nodded 
 
 `` Like I was saying... This whole heaven business was only populated with Myself, Gilroy and Brad. You can call it heaven or the cosmos, the universe, whatever you want. It's all the same shit. Anyways, we met each other about 77 nonillion years ago to discuss systems. It took a really long time to make the first system... ever. You might know it as `` Physics''. Anyways we finally figured this thing out and implemented it into the cosmos. Then nothing happened. It was really disappointing until Gilroy created the expansion. To be honest I'm quite impressed y'all figured that one out.'The big bang' you call it? Pretty good. That belgian guy Georges something or other really did a good job.'' God explained. 
 
 Chad was barely keeping up but tried his best to provide an expression that encouraged God to continue. 
 
 `` Anyways, after that surely you know how the fundamental forces came about and whatnot. So, some billions of years later, me, Gilroy and Brad all have our Galaxies and planets and stars and whatnot to attend to. So Gilroy starts to make this Solar System with one star and eight proper planets, yea?'' 
 
 Chad was relieved that he understood God was talking about our Solar system. 
 `` Yup, kind of awkward we thought Pluto was a planet'' Chad squeaked. 
 
 `` Yea you dumb shits. Anyways, he goes to take a bathroom break, and I see my chance. I always hated that prick so I went in to fuck with this shit, yea? You know that...'' God began to laugh 
 
 `` You know that Primordial...'' God began to laugh a lot harder. He was practically doubling up. 
 
 `` That primordial soup theory!!'' He said, barely getting the words out. 
 He erupted in laughter and pounded on his knees. 
 
 `` Hahaha, sorry mate, yer theory is quite good, quite good. The thing is, I did it! The 3.8 billion years ago was when I peed on Gilroy's planet'Earth'. Before he came back from the bathroom, there was all this weird shit going on in the planet. Stupid Gilroy did n't realize for the longest time.'' 
 
 Chad sat there in silence. The heaven morphine started to kick in and he felt real good. It did n't take him long to realize he could thing of something he would wanted and it would materialize.. i.e. an IV drug. 
 
 God continued `` Anyways, after a while Gilroy figured out we started that life thing on his planet and boy was he pissed. The overseer told him off right good and told him not to let it evolve... but...'' God began to crack up much harder this time. He could barely get his next words out: `` Once the apes evolved to a certain point, I led them to the sea and had them eat fish!!!'' God said, roaring with laughter. 
 
 `` Surely you can guess what happened after that, them apes evolved into what you boys are now. You ever been to Africa? Lions, Tigers, Rhinos, all that shit. It did n't wipe y'all out properly so we decided to set the defenses up in Australia. We put fucking spiders everywhere, tazmanian devils with STD's and that fucking plant that makes people commit suicide. Well, obviously it did n't work because now I'm wondering how you fucking boys are immortal. FUCKING SPIDERS, DO YOUR JOB!!'' God's voice raised to an explosion as he spoke about spiders 
 
 Chad became elated as he started to be able to make out God's face. 
... It was a turtle
