[ WP ] A 40 year old , recently divorced woman from the suburbs becomes a cat burglar . : )

Skin-tight black Spandex does n't really suit me. My ex-husband kept asking me to wear plenty of skin tight clothing but I'm just too round for it to look good. Maybe that's why I found him with that call girl. Of course, the girl had n't been the one in the gimp suit. 
 
 That does n't matter really though: I have a new hobby and no need for a hubby. 
 
 Really, I blame that awful Penny from number 17 and her showy necklace. It's a hideous thing but she's so stuck up that I had to take it. Luckily for me she really likes to have a few, get the bloody thing out of the safe ( showing everyone the safe combination in the process ) then make a big play of putting it back. It's a miracle it was still in her possession when I made my move. My heartbeat pounding a thousand beats a minute I'd climbed in via the veranda window, which was never locked, and waltzed to the safe in the loft. Five minutes later I'd walked out up one necklace and down one devious note ( signed: Fantastic Mrs Vixen ). 
 
 Then there had been Susan and her stupid little cameo. Awful bloody thing with an engraved picture of The Queen. That had n't even been in a safe - I'd just nabbed it when Susan and John had left to go to Waitrose like the pretentious fops that they are. Everyone knows that Tesco is just as good these days but no they had to'buy organic' as if rubbing a turnip in pig shit suddenly made it taste nicer. 
 
 Of course, i had a few items taken in a daring heist when I was away on holiday. Nothing I liked though. Fantastic Mrs Vixen only took a few of the gifts that Jonathan had given me when we were courting which had negligible sentimental value. As an added bonus the lovely young police officer had been really unprofessional when he came over to my bungalow. Also when he came over me. He was certainly not going to be suspecting me any time soon. 
 
 Now, I'm digging a hole for my pile of minor jewellery ( it'll make a nice insurance policy against that heartless bastard stopping his payments ) in Dorris' back yard. I've agreed to look after the old woman's garden so it wo n't be too hard for me to come back for the stash in a while. Since she's a bit old I'll probably get her to sell me the relevant bit of garden as well. But only once this all quiets down. 
 
 It's really quite thrilling you know. Nothing like the boring suburban life I had with that rat Jonathan. He was so formulaic: get up; shower; go to work in the City; come home late `` because he had meetings'' smelling of cheap perfume; maybe let him flop around a bit on top begging for me to wear `` Something sexy''; then, fall asleep. I'd been so bored... watched all the soaps ( I still do like my Corrie ), kept up with exercise videos and gone shopping a lot. At least the bastard gave me a lot of money for shopping. Obviously, I'd also become very well acquainted with some of my many admirers. 
 
 Now I can spend my life doing exciting things like eying up Ruth's pearl necklace. That one should n't be too hard because her husband does love both drugs and affairs. All I need is to convince that awful man Colin that I'm a little bit excited at the prospect of him getting coked off his face while getting off on mine and he'll invite me in. It helps that I heard her say that she only gets the pearls out for their anniversary. That was about two weeks ago so I can take them, leave a note dated in two months, and make sure that I never go anywhere near their house. 
 
 You know - I really like this life. 
 
 I might even become a lesbian for a bit. Apparently Nadine's older daughter was talking very admiringly about me. That would really make Jonathan jealous. He almost cried when I told him I would n't enjoy sharing a hooker with him.... 

