[ WP ] It 's performance review day at the Department of Fictional Characters and you have been tasked with reviewing the character you despise most in all of fiction .

`` Severus?'' 
 
 I hear the secretary call the name into the waiting room and I pause, a chill going up my spine. With no time to ask he be sent to a different reviewer, I force my face into a smile and wait as the two sets of footsteps, his and the secretary's, get closer. 
 
 `` Miss Harper, Severus Snape to see you.'' 
 
 Snape takes the seat across my desk from me, folding his hands politely in his lap. He's in normal clothes, today. It caused too much fuss to have all the fictional characters show up in their outfits- we had Hanz from the Sound of Music fighting with Golde from Fiddler on the Roof, A priest from some obscure novel from the 1910s arguing with anyone wearing revealing clothing, and Heathcliffe crying in the corner with Jay Gatsby and Demetrius over lost love. Since those incidents, we asked all characters to dress similarly and keep to themselves. 
 
 To this end, Severus Snape was wearing a blue-and grey-striped sweater and neat grey slacks beneath sharply-parted, greasy hair that shone almost as much as his dress shoes. 
 
 It was disgusting. 
 
 `` Alright, Mr. Snape. I have a list here of topics to discuss with you. Each of your answers will be assigned a score. This final score will rank your standing as a fictional character, and determine whether or not you will be presented further in Controlled Fiction. If you are not granted a status allowed to those in Controlled Fiction, you are free to appear in Fan Fiction and Diary Entries, but no Published or Broadcast Material.'' I read this straight from my instruction sheet. It was a disclaimer, of course. 
 
 Additionally, my hatred for him was deep and I had no intention of allowing him to pass this review. 
 
 He nodded, so I continued, now reading from his evaluation form. 
 
 `` What is your primary motivation?'' 
 
 He looked at me incredulously, but answered anyway. 
 
 `` Well my love for Lily Evans, of course.'' 
 
 `` Lily Potter, you mean,'' I corrected. He hesitated, but nodded curtly. 
 
 I moved my pen to the next question, but could n't stop myself from going off-script once again. 
 
 `` That's so dumb though! So tired! You go through quite a bit for a girl who is most definitely married!'' I spat out. 
 
 He gazed at me, displaying irritation but not fury. 
 
 Seeing he had no intention of quelling my own rage, I continued. 
 
 `` And a fat lot of good that does her son, who you claim to be protecting, when you consistently drive him to depression and desperation!'' 
 
 I stopped to catch my breath, and saw that my words were met with that same irritated stare. 
 
 I refocused my eyes on the form. 
 
 `` In what ways do you strive to dress and behave in ways similar to your author's description of you?'' 
 
 `` I believe my black cloak is enough for that. I also maintain intense eye contact in times of great fury, and stay out of the sun so my skin retains its sallow look.'' 
 
 `` That's all fine, but the grease! Do you never shower?!'' I burst out, unable to restrain myself. 
 
 Funny, I'd never had this problem with other characters. 
 
 Mr. Snape's lip curled up in disgust and I almost cringed. 
 
 `` I am simply behaving in accordance with my description.'' He said, his hands now clenching each other in his lap. 
 
 I glanced back at my form. 
 
 `` With which other fictional characters do you spend your out-of-story time?'' 
 
 `` I meet a Mr. Heathcliffe for drinks sometimes. Other than that, there are none.'' 
 
 `` Do you regret any of your in-story experiences?'' 
 
 He hesitated to answer this question, and I could see that he was thinking. 
 
 `` I should n't have given the boy my memories as I died.'' He said finally, his lips curving into to the slightest of frowns. 
 
 `` And why's that?'' I asked, wondering if one of his few redeemable moments was truly the one he regretted. 
 
 `` He should have been able to hate me in peace.'' He replied quietly. `` He need n't know my motivations. It only made me seem weak, and him petty. Neither is true.'' 
 
 Though there were follow-up questions, I signed my name in the `` approved'' column and sent him on his way. 
 
 Good reviews for a good man.
