[ WP ] You are one of the monsters in a dungeon crawler game .

`` Gront! What the heck is that on your finger??'' 
 
 `` It's a Ring of Infinite Charisma!'' blustered the creature. 
 
 `` Fer cryin' out loud Gront, we're orcs!'' cried Slog. `` Orcs do n't have Rings of infinite Charisma!'' 
 
 `` My wife gave it to me on our last anniversary!'' 
 
 `` Alright,'' sighed Slog, head in his hands. `` Just stick it in your pocket. Loogy, hide those silver pieces under the detritus in the corner.'' 
 
 `` Detritus?'' replied Loogy, consternated. 
 
 `` You know, the leaves and rags there,'' Slog waved his hand towards the corner of the flagstone lined room. 
 
 `` Aww, man,'' groaned Loogy, stumbling towards the corner with his lip stuck out. `` Why you got ta always talk like a dungeon master…'' 
 
 Slog glanced at Gront, and Gront just shrugged. 
 
 Slog cocked his ear towards the arched doorway. `` Alright, guys, here they come. Everybody look sharp. Hey! Loogy-'' Loogy looked up drowsily. `` Where's your flair??'' 
 
 There was an approaching clatter in the hallway. 
 
 Loogy shrugged abashedly. `` I got a dead roach in my hair… and this rat-skull necklace… and… and… and my Bieber fan club button…'' 
 
 `` Aargh…'' Slog showed his frustration. `` Alright, no time, here they are-'' 
 
 Three adventurers burst into the room, and chaos prevailed. Slog howled his war cry and charged forward to meet the Paladin. He had one hand bandaged, must have got caught by the biting doorknob trap three rooms prior. These guys must be real rookies. 
 
 Slog was bringing his sword down towards the Paladin's head but the parry was not coming fast enough. Slog shifted his swing to glance off the adventurer's polished greaves. This guy was all armor, no knight. 
 
 Beside them, the wizard yelled, `` I'm going to cast a Fireball!'' 
 
 The thief snorted, `` You used that two rooms ago!'' 
 
 `` Aww, crap!'' 
 
 Slog glanced towards Gront, Gront just shrugged: what can you do? …then leaned to the side to avoid the thief's swinging blackjack. 
 
 Slog and the knight exchanged a few more clumsy blows. 
 
 Following through with exaggerated slowness, Slog then yelled again and advanced a step, his chest thrust aggressively forward. The knight hesitated… Slog rolled his eyes. Really? He pushed his chest forward again, slapping it with his free hand like a gorilla, but trying to point subtly to the right place to strike. Look here, knight, no armor. 
 
 Finally the little light bulb flickered on and the Paladin took a tentative stab. Slog let it slide between his upper arm and side, and then clamped his arm down on the blade, howling in mock pain. 
 
 `` AAAAaaargh!!'' 
 
 The knight timidly let go of the weapon. Slog spun dramatically around once and toppled to the floor. Hesitantly, the adventurer stepped towards him, gingerly grabbed the pommel of his sword and pulled it out. Then bolted for the exit. 
 
 Slog cracked an eye open. `` Treasure!'' he hissed, jerking his head towards the corner. 
 
 The knight skidded to a stop. `` Oh, yeah!'' he said almost to himself, then scanned the room. 
 
 `` Under the detritus!'' hissed Loogy helpfully. 
 
 `` Wha…'' puzzled the Paladin. 
 
 The wizard perked up. `` Detritus! You know, rags and trash! There, in the corner.'' 
 
 The wizard was on it, collecting the couple silver pieces and few copper pieces from the assorted debris and dropping them into his pouch. 
 
 The thief looked on suspiciously. `` I'm keeping track, you know!'' 
 
 The wizard returned a sour glare. Then they all rushed out, quick as they came. 
 
 Except with a loud THUD! the paladin cracked his helmet against the low doorway. The other two had fled first and did not notice. 
 
 Slog got to his feet with a sigh, rubbing his back. `` Getting too old for this…'' he mumbled to no one in particular. He rummaged in the scattered debris for a slip of parchment, and walked over to where the Paladin lay. 
 
 Patting his face gently a few times brought him slowly around. Slog stuck the parchment in the knight's tunic. `` Here- our website is on this feedback form, do us a solid and log in a fill out the little survey…'' 
 
 The paladin groaned rubbing his head. 
 
 `` Do n't forget buddy OK? We got ta meet our customer service goals, yeah?'' 
 
 Slog put his hands under the man's armpits and hauled him to his feet, then spun him around and gave him a little shove towards the passage deeper into the dungeon. 
 
 `` If you hurry you can catch your friends. They're going to need you in the next-'' 
 
 Slog flinched as the Paladin rapped his helmet again, albeit not so hard this time, and stumbled trying to keep it on his head. 
 
 Slog shook his own head, and waved his hand dismissively as the klutzy adventurer stumbled onward. 
 
 `` OK, guys let's straighten the place up.'Nother group soon…'' 

