[ WP ] After dying , God asks you : `` So , how was heaven ? ''

“ So, how was Heaven? ” 
 
 “ You're sh… kidding me, right? ” 
 
 “ I am not generally known for that. ” 
 
 It took me a second to roll the sour taste out of my mouth. I could specifically recall a place with blinders down where the shine of alcohol mixes with the burn of cheap cigarettes. A dusky place that has n't been cleaned in years where my ghosts and skeletons sat beside me. I try to remember if God was known for practical jokes. 
 
 He frowned, then scowled. “ What's the matter with you children? I give you Eden, and you turned it into... well, the other place. Unbelievable. ” 
 
 “ Are you reading my mind? Wait of course what what kind of question is that. But actually, the hell are you doing blaming us for the pile of turds you made? The hell kind of logic is that? ” 
 
 “ If it makes you more comfortable, I shall leave you the fragile privacy of your own mind. It is rather rude, imposing myself on you in that way although you are a part of my creation. And as for what kind of logic it is, it is the only kind. ” 
 
 In life I had not been sickly, barring the occasional cancer. Still, I felt a massive brain hemorrhage coming on. “ No, logic does n't work that way. ” 
 
 “ It works precisely the way it should. ” 
 
 “ Right. Because it does n't work that way. ” 
 
 “ You, a mortal, presume to dictate to me on Heavenly matters? ” 
 
 “ This is n't Heavenly matters. This is just the way things work. This is you trying to make an argument that ’ ll float like you float a brick. ” 
 
 “ Bricks are still floating? I thought I fixed that. ” 
 
 “ No, they don't. ” 
 
 “ Oh, it was an attempt at humor! I suppose that's an order. It is, after all, rather painful to leave Heaven. That's by design. ” 
 
 “ But it wasn't. ” 
 
 “ What do you mean it was n't? ” 
 
 “ You know, it's funny. I was worried that it'd be hard but it's really not. Coming here was like taking off a shoe. ” 
 
 “ Hm. ” 
 
 “ Yes? ” 
 
 “ Ah, I see. You are in error. I thought it was simply enough to instruct your people against such courses. After all, the fix was looking to be more trouble than it was worth. It seems simple instructions are easily forgotten. Bothersome. ” 
 
 There was a cigarette in my hand. It was one of the cheap, shitty brands I always smoked when I was alive. I took a long drag and let it out slow. “ No, I do n't think I am. ” 
 
 “ I would not imagine you would. It is the nature of the error to self-perpetuate. ” 
 
 “ Well, okay. I don ’ t get it, but you are God. So what are you going to do to me? Am I simply going to cease to exist? ” 
 
 “ No, at this point you will move on to your normal life. There is nothing I can do to you now. ” 
 
 There was something I was missing out on here. “ Then what are you going to do? ” 
 
 “ Drastic changes will be necessary. That is the sort of thing that's needed in this case. ” 
 
 I reached out and struck air. The mist of his body dissipated and reformed a few feet farther out. We shared a stare before he shrugged and faded out. “ Wait. ” 
 
 “ We have no further business. Your input is appreciated but the sentiment is unnecessary. But your feedback… has been invaluable. Thank you. ” 
 
 I looked down at my cigarette. It had been one of the few things keeping me together all those years, even as it was tearing me apart. In hindsight, it was almost a race. “ What are you going to do? Kill them all? ” 
 
 “ No, nothing so drastic. What is going to happen is that people all over Heaven will merely go to sleep. They will wake up none the wiser. ” 
 
 “ But it is n't like surgery. you'll be tearing something out of these people. Something they need. ” 
 
 “ I doubt they would agree with you, you are being hysterical. The feeling will pass. ” 
 
 I took one more look at my cigarette. It looked like every cigarette I ’ d ever had. “ I think I have never been more lucid in my life. I think you're the hysterical one. ” 
 
 “ My logic is The Truth. My reasoning is the calculus of the firmament. I can not *be* in error. ” 
 
 “ And that's what I'm saying: even by your own logic you're screwy. ” 
 
 He re-materialized out of thin air. He had the sort of gentle golden smile on his face that was worn by elementary school teachers the world over when their children got something wrong but did n't yet know quite what. ” Go on. ” 
 
 “ We are your creations, is n't that right? ” 
 
 “ It is accurate. ” 
 
 “ And you could call yourself a craftsman or a sculptor? I mean, you are. A perfect one, in fact. ” 
 
 “ I am the first and I will be the last, though I work with nothing so crude as base stone or clay. ” 
 
 “ Then why am I such a fuckup? ” 
 
 “ There would be no value in the process if I could dictate every part of it. ” 
 
 “ That is n't a goddamn answer. ” 
 
 “ Maybe it's not one you will be satisfied with, but it is The Truth. ” 
 
 “ No, you are n't understanding me. You are n't ‘ getting ’ me. ” 
 
 “ I suppose if you choose to be deliberately vague and ambiguous then I could be little less. ” 
 
 “ But that's just it! I'm not being vague or ambiguous or some bull-... anything like that. You and me, we ’ re just talking about me. Not anyone else just me. This heart, these lungs, this mind. You could n't have cocked it up harder if you tried. ” 
 
 “ Things must be allowed to develop on their own. I can shape the form but you must speak the words. ” 
 
 “ Words? You want words? F*** you. ” 
 
 He turned away. “ You have had your say. Move on. ” 
 
 “ No, I do n't think so. Where do you get off? What gives you the goddamn right to judge me like that? ” 
 
 “ I am The Right. ” 
 
 “ So what is all this to you exactly? A cosmic ant farm for laughs and giggles? ” 
 
 “ From nothing I have rendered the universe so it would come to know itself. There is no greater. ” 
 
 “... You know what? You remind me of my dad. ” 
 
 “ I have often heard the comparison from others of your ilk. Although inaccurate, I find the affectation charming. ” 
 
 “ You know, my dad had this saying: ‘ I brought you into this world. I can take you out. ’ Whenever I was up to something, and I was always up to something, that's what he said. ‘ I can take you out. ’ Like a broken record, every time we got into an argument. And there was plenty of arguments. ‘ I can take you out. I can take you out. ’ He wasn ’ t kidding, either. He could ’ ve. Wouldn ’ t have even blinked ” 
 
 “ You have wasted enough of my time. Every moment I spend here is a moment another could follow your mistake. ” His eyes narrowed. “ I feel every such lapse of judgement keenly. ” 
 
 “ No, trust me, this'll be good. Anyway, when I grew up the first thing I did was move out of the house. And so I did n't see him for a good ten to fifteen years of my life. But one day I get a letter. It says to come quick because my dad has cancer and he's dying. 
 
 So I go back. He has maybe an hour tops. There ’ s just me and mom, she's sitting there looking worried and the first thing my dad does is he talks about all these great bonding moments we had. Trouble is, I didn ’ t remember any of them. I could n't tell if he ’ d gotten Alzheimer ’ s or if he was just making stuff up. The whole time I'm there I'm not really looking at him, I'm looking at the heart rate monitor and he just keeps yakking away. Thing is, as his heart rate slows little by little, he keeps going and maybe even speeds up a little. Finally, and I remember this next part very clearly, he reaches out and touches me. 
 
 He said something at that moment but I could n't tell you what it was. But looking into his desperate eyes, I got it. I finally knew what he was trying to do: he wanted me to whitewash him. To tell him I loved him. To say all those years of emotional abuse did n't account for squat because I was the bigger man or something. But I was n't. I was petty, vengeful, and stupid so I left and never looked back. When the funeral invitation came I threw it in the trash. For the longest time that was that. ” 
 
 “ Are you done cataloging your damages? ” 
 
 “ You're just like him, are n't you? ” 
 
 “ I am no one's father. ” 
 
 “ But you want to hear it just the same. I know you do, else you would n't still be listening to me. ” 
 
 “ First: I honestly do n't know what you are talking about, and Second: I believe our conversation is at its end. You ’ ve been a great help, but there ’ s nothing you could tell me that I don ’ t already know ” 
 
 “ Well, read my goddamn lips: I do n't love you. ” 
 
 He raised an eyebrow. “ Is that all? ” 
 
 It wasn ’ t having the effect I expected. “ Yeah, that's about it. ” 
 
 “ Anything else you would like to add? ” 
 
 “ Well, ” I said, searching for something to add “ I... do n't think anyone could. ” 
 
 He frowned briefly with an eyebrow still raised before letting his facial expression come to a placid rest. “ No, they can. The choice is important. It is by design. ” 
 
 “ And now you ’ re taking that choice away. ” 
 
 “ These are not interrelated matters. ” 
 
 “ Yes, they are. You ’ re taking away a choice just because you do n't like it. ” 
 
 “ In heaven, I have that choice. It my garden, to tend as I will. And it is not a choice. It is the definition of an absence of presence, an absence of choice. ” 
 
 “ Yeah, but I still chose to do that to myself. Does choice no longer matter when it's your creations choosing you to tell you that you fucking suck? ” 
 
 “ It is not. A. Choice.. ” 
 
 “ Well, ” I tried to think of something to add, but my mind was drawing a blank. I was at the end of my thread. ” that's great and all, but I think you had it right a little while ago when you said we ’ re done here. Ima going to leave you be. By, the way, your Heaven sucks. I would have added more nude women and beer fountains. ” 
 
 “ Your input was not sought out. ” 
 
 “ Yeah, fuck you too. ” I almost turned to try to leave, wherever that would take me, but I had just one last question on my mind. “ So. Are you going to do it? ” 
 
 “ I will do as I have always done. ” His face was like a marble statue, only paler. “ I will do what *must* be done. ” 
 
 “ Well, I suppose that's as much as I could ’ ve asked for. All I want you to keep in mind is that there's a word for when you use a whole bunch of sock puppets to tell you how great you are. It's called a circlejerk. ” 
 
 “ I will keep that in mind. ” 
 
 Hopefully, that ’ d be enough. “ Thanks. You're a peach ” 

