[ WP ] Congress just passed the Prohibition Act of 2016 . Coffee is now a Class 1 illegal drug .

*The Year: 2116* 
 
 *The Place: Washington, D.C.* 
 
 *News Reporter: * This week marks the 100th anniversary of Congress's historic 2016 Prohibition Act criminalizing crack caffeine, often known to users as `` coffee''. 
 
 Crack caffeine was originally banned because of its contributing role in a variety of social ills, including but not limited to heart disease, type A personalities, overwork, and poor dental health. While crack caffeine is a stimulant, historians have cited its history as an opiate of the masses, making them believe that the oppression of the 9 to 5 workday and the 40 hour workweek was bearable. 
 
 In recent years, however, scientists have begun experimenting with the drug. While these experiments have mainly been limited to non-human subjects, a few prominent companies are poised to start trials administering small drips to humans. It is postulated that crack caffeine's effect on depressed subjects may give it some medicinal merit. 
 
 In this respect, policy seems on pace to outstrip science. Oregon and Washington state, historic crack caffeine hubs, and Washington, D.C., a city where many prominent citizens, including Congresspeople, have been accused of being coffeeheads, are considering legislation to decriminalize crack caffeine. These regions have already instituted policies allowing for medical use of condensed crack caffeine, known to users as `` chocolate''. 
 
 There is no word yet on whether the federal government will continue to enforce crack caffeine prohibitions in states in which it is decriminalized; the federal government is waiting to see if this legislation becomes law. 
 
 Back to you, Diana. 
 
 *Anchor: * Weighty stuff, Em. Thank you. As the time is now 4:19 p.m., we'll be taking the customary break. See you in a few minutes, folks. And in the meantime, as always, blaze it. 
 

