[ WP ] Every sentient species in the universe receives a Jesus figure from God . It turns out humanity was the only species to torture and crucify him . You 're an ambassador priest informing the Inter-Galactic Holy Church what your species did .

We crucified him. 
 
 You crucified him? 
 
 Crucifixion. We took two wooden posts, nailed them together to make a cross, and we stuck the cross in the ground so it stood up nice and tall. Then we tied his arms and legs to it and left him hanging there for a few days until he was nearly dead, and then we stabbed him in the guts with a spear to finish the job. 
 
 To your savior. You call him... Jesus? 
 
 Jesus. 
 
 You hanged him by a post and then stabbed him with a spear? 
 
 I would n't say we *hanged* him. Hanging is more of a European thing. That's when you put a rope around somebody's neck and toss em out of a tree. Much quicker that way. No, the Romans liked to make a show of it, that's why the crucifixion. Takes longer, there's more suffering. They had n't gone through the Enlightenment yet. 
 
 The Enlightenment... Enlightenment... I do n't have that in my records. This came after Jesus? 
 
 Oh, a long time after. It was a new age of science and reason. 
 
 So, while you initially rejected the Savior we sent you, eventually your race arrived at this Enlightenment through him? 
 
 Well, I would n't say that exactly. The Church did n't much care for the Enlightenment at first - the Church of Jesus, I mean - and we put a whole lot of folks on the rack for saying things like the earth is n't the center of the universe. 
 
 Do I even want to know what the rack is? 
 
 Sure. That's where you tie a person to a plank, kind of like a bed, and you stretch him out until his bones come loose. Sometimes you're looking for a confession and you ask em questions in the meantime. 
 
 I see. And it was the Savior's church that did this? 
 
 Yessir. All water under the bridge, of course. We do n't even hate queers anymore. 
 
 Hmmm... Getting back to this crucifixion... I'm having trouble even forming the question. Let's say, Why did you torture and kill our messenger of peace of love? 
 
 Well hindsight's twenty-twenty I suppose. Who was to say he was n't a kook? A lot of people for a long time liked to blame it on the Jews of course, and some on the Romans. Personally, I think if you did n't want us crucify him you should of set him down somewhere in Nebraska. 
 
 They do n't crucify in Nebraska? 
 
 No sir. I mean, there's always the electric chair, but there's a process for that. 
 
 So you tortured and killed our messenger of peace and love because hindsight is twenty-twenty and we did n't set him down in Nebraska. Is that your official statement? That's what you want the record to show? 
 
 Sounds fair. 
 
 And the church that eventually developed around him - God knows how - this church tortured people for being reasonable because of something called the Enlightenment. 
 
 There's no denying history. 
 
 And what exactly is this church up to now? 
 
 Charitable works, proselytization, weddings and funerals. We pretty much just adapt our values to mirror secular advances and try to guilt folks into the pews. 
 
 So you're not crucifying, hanging, racking, or electric-chairing anybody. 
 
 Not anymore, no. 
 
 Would you say that, in spite of your past, you've become a church of peace and love, as intended by the Savior we sent you? 
 
 Well... 
 
 Oh God. 
 
 We do currently have our hands full with this child rape scandal. We're spending a lot of money in court. 
 
 Child rape?! 
 
 It's because we do n't let our priests have sex. They go a little stir crazy and take it out on the kids. 
 
 Your priests are raping children. 
 
 Some of em, yeah. 
 
 How - are there any members left in this church? 
 
 Quite a few. 
 
 How many? 
 
 A coupla billion. 
 
 Billion? Did you just say *billion*? 
 
 Yeah. Billion. 
 
 Fuck it, welcome aboard. 
 
 
 

