[ WP ] A humorous take on Confidence .

I went more with a Confidence Trick. I hope this is humourous: 
 
 **The Greed Creed** 
 
 The streets of Muh'Ging were relatively quiet in the hazy summer night. The city, a stop-over point for most of the trade caravans, was situated directly in the middle of the largest desert of the known world. The desert slopes create a bowl that all the moisture and clouds gather in, resting directly above the city. In the morning, the early-rising sun heats the sand and cobbles to almost scorching temperatures, and then ducks behind clouds for the rest of the day trapping all the heat in. It is well known in travellers circles as the hottest and most humid location one can stop off in. As such, most jobs are in the self-powered ceiling-mounted fan industry. Unfortunately, early attempts at powered heat-dissipation fell short when the coal machinery required to rotate the fan made the room the fan was in unbearably hot. The original company went bankrupt almost immediately, and left the market wide open to the slightly less ironic crank-powered ceiling-fans. 
 Those who ca n't find jobs building crank-shafts and fan-blades often turn to less legal means of money acquisition. Muh'Ging, as its namesake implies, has the highest highwayman per-citizen recorded by local job census, and is home to the only legal graft guild who for a small government taxation are allowed to perform confidence tricks on unsuspecting travellers. 
 
 Down a back alley on the outskirts of the city, a door receives a knock, and soon after opens. 
 “ Good evening si -- ” 
 “ No thank you. ” 
 The door rapidly closes. The figure on the outside of the door is greeted only with a burst of cool air. The figure knocks again, and the door is again opened. 
 “ I am merely -- ” 
 The door closes as his momentarily illuminated grey, frizzy hair is again rustled by the breeze. He knocks a third time, and the door is opened with such force he feels the surrounding warm air get sucked into the house. 
 “ What do you want? ” 
 “ I would just like to know what you would do if you had a lot of money? ” 
 “ Sigh fine, I would... rent many prostitutes and live a life of ecstasy until I die happy in the missionary position. Why? ” 
 “ Anything else, ” asks the man, slowly inching himself closer to the door's entrance. He feels that a fan had been cranked quite recently in the house and is enjoying the cold air. He is wearing a large monks robe, and carrying a few large tomes on his back tied into a backpack with string. 
 “ Donations to charities? ” 
 “ Oh you must n't do that, sir. ” 
 The man looks confused. A monk seems to be standing in his doorway telling him not to donate to charity. This catches him acutely off-guard. 
 “ Monk, ” says the monk. The man took a few seconds to realise that was his name. 
 “ Oh uhm, Brian, ” replies the man. 
 Monk takes the lapse in Brian's concentration to enter his house and sit on one of his chairs. He gives his back a stretch when he puts the tomes down on the floor. 
 “ You can have a seat you know, we need n't let all the hot air from outside in. ” 
 Brian shuts the door and walks over to sit down on his second favourite chair. 
 “ Though a glass of water would do wonders for my crumbling complexion, ” Monk hints. Brian, only half way to sitting down, stands back up and walks into the kitchen. 
 The glass of water is set on the table, and Brian gives the ceiling-fan a few cranks before sitting back down, as is custom in Muh'Ging when visitors enter. Monk sips his water and begins. 
 
 “ Put simply, you should n't give anyone money, as it inspires greed. ” 
 “ What if I choose carefully? Only people who really need it? ” 
 “ Why would you want to do that? Those without money lead clean and virtuous lives. As soon as they get money, they think of all the material possessions they can have, and you have just given them greed and a life sentence in hell. ” 
 “ Hell? All because of my money? ” 
 Brian suddenly remembers where he's living. 
 “ And I suppose you want me to give you all my money to save my soul, ” he says with a smirk, thinking he had one-upped Monk. 
 “ Of course not, I do not want any of your money. Do with it as you wish, but this is about helping others get to heaven, ” He replies. This confuses Brian even more, as he thinks maybe Monk is being sincere. 
 “ What should I do then? Burn all my money? ” 
 “ Oh no you must n't. The greed inside the notes clogs the air, and innocent, virtuous people breathe it in. Also, God hates smog. ” 
 “ Well what do you suggest? ” 
 “ If you keep the money, your path will be towards hell initially. However, the more money you gain, the less others have, making your selflessness outweigh the greed. In other words the less people you give money to, the more chance of you going to heaven. ” 
 By this point, Brian nods along, as it makes some sort of sense to him. 
 “ So am I on a path straight to hell? ” 
 “ Currently, yes. Do not worry though, my child, for there is time to reform. ” 
 “ Do you have any tips for this, ” Brian asks. 
 “ During my more active years, I have been known to take money off people on the street at knife point, forcing the greed out of their wallets. It is for their own good after all. ” 
 “ Wait, is n't that -- ” 
 “ Yes, you must mug in the name of God, for it is His will. ” 
 “ But that sounds... ” 
 “ Normal, yes. Why do you think tax collectors always seem to travel alongside religious icons? Like their true goal, you should stockpile all the money you can find. Take as much as you can off others, without giving any back. The more you gain, the more you save. ” 
 Brian thinks some more. 
 “ So should I take your money at knife point? ” 
 “ Ah my child, if you can. After all, this money is getting me into heaven. The more you have, the more God will be pleased. Soon you will be able to go forth and spread God's word! Be rich and greedy, so those less fortunate will go to heaven. ” 
 “ Should I start killing people to get their money? ” 
 “ You must treat life like a set of scales, young one. Killing will sit heavy on your scales, tipping the'hell' scale beyond redemption. Mere mugging is relatively light. ” 
 “ But how will I get money without killing people? ” 
 “ You can injure them, as long as they do n't die from your causes. Also robbing banks, houses or businesses is also fine. ” 
 “ But those are illegal, ” Brian starts, “ Wo n't I go to jail? ” 
 “ Ah you most likely will, but be glad God is testing you, and that when you get out you can continue doing His good works. Life is n't meant to be easy, young one. ” 
 Brian is impressed. The entire world has been explained to him and it all makes sense. He offers to house Monk for the night, and Monk agrees. 
 
 After a night of sleepless hours of talking and drinking and eating and cranking the fan, Monk answers all Brian's questions. The two bond as Monk tells tales of his time in a monastery, and how he found the Greed Creed. As the sun rises over Muh'Ging, heating the cobbles for the day, Brian is now exhausted. 
 
 “ How did you get so wise, Monk? You must be very old. ” 
 “ Ah, I have travelled far and wide, friend. My disciples are many, from different walks of life, so much so I have realised that age in this greedy world is inconsequential. It has taken so many years to learn God's true message, and it is a teaching that can not be passed down through human means. ” 
 “ I wish to spend my life learning this true message. Please, let me be your disciple. ” 
 Monk sits for a while contemplating. He sips his water. 
 “ I do not think you are quite ready to undertake this momentous task, young Brian. ” 
 “ No I'm ready, I'm ready! ” 
 “ There is still much learning for you to do, but I am weary and old, and my mind is not as strong as it once was. Perhaps... No, never mind. ” 
 “ Tell me Monk, ” Brian begs. 
 “ Well, I do have these tomes which contain all I have learned about the true faith, the Greed Creed. I was planning on selling them to one of my most devout followers, but you seem to need them more, although he has offered a high price. ” 
 “ Such is to learn the secrets of God, I will give you everything I own! ” 
 Brian rushes to his safe, dials in the combination and swings the door open. He pulls out handfuls of money and stuffs them into a bag, along with a very large diamond—a family heirloom. He gives Monk the bags and picks up the tomes from off the floor. 
 “ Thank you Brian. Now, I must be off. Please, do not read tomes until I am gone, for it will be too sad to part with them. ” 
 
 Brian agrees, and ushers Monk out the door with his bags of coins, notes and diamond. As soon as the door is closed, Brian locks it and sets to work opening the first tome entitled The Greed Creed. 
 On the first page inside the hefty tome are simply the words: 
 “ Dear reader, you clearly do n't get the rules of the greed creed. Thank you for giving me all your money. ” 
 The remaining pages are left completely blank.
