[ WP ] `` Hey , tell them about that one time you convinced the four horsemen they were being replaced . ''

Fooling one Horseman is an art, two is a science, but all four requires some serious balls, a dab of idiocy and a whole lot of luck. It just so happened that I had the last three things, which was a mighty fine coincidence because I was fresh out of the first two. 
 
 My little village sat in the valley between two spurs, on a river that never had a name surrounded by hills that were never drawn on a map. Well, it would be more truthful to say that the village squatted on the river like an ugly hunchback giving birth. It was a pretty ugly village, did n't have a lot going for it, which meant we did n't get a lot of visitors; ever. 
 
 This may have been part of the reason that inbreeding was so rife among the townfolk, but I leave questions like that to men of greater moral and scientific standards than myself. Plus I'm busy telling a story so we do n't want to get too side-tracked. 
 
 So, as I was saying, we did n't get many visitors. So I was pretty darn surprised when a man in platemail arrived on a horse the size of a house demanding to see Death. 
 
 `` Death does n't want to see you.'' is what I said. No country knight was going to get a laugh playing a joke on me. The man on the horse recoiled as if I had slapped him. 
 
 `` Death does not want to see me?'' he asked, confounded. `` I am War, the harbinger of the Apocalypse.'' He clenched his hands as if to demonstrate his point, and I watched in horror as flaming, tormented souls sprang from his grasp. This guy was the real deal, and I had just lied to him. Which meant that telling the truth would get me killed. 
 
 `` Yeah,'' I said, `` See, Death gave it a bit of a think and he came to the conclusion that maybe you were n't the right man for the job. Something about a lack of consistency? Sometimes you kill too few, sometimes you kill too many. He does n't want that kind of lack of professionalism in the crew you know?'' War stared at me with eyes that were now literally on fire. 
 
 `` Mortal fool! What will I do if not plague the land with bloodshed?!'' 
 
 `` Well, maybe you could settle down, maybe pick up a hobby? I do n't know.'' War seemed to consider this with some gravitas before he said 
 
 `` I know not what purpose I was created if not to be a Horseman, but I will try it your way.'' And so, and I swear I am not kidding, War stabled his horse and, still not kidding, went about inventing the game of Chess. 
 
 & nbsp; 
 
 Soon another horse rode into town, and upon it sat an emaciated man with eyes like endless pits. I was still thanking the lucky stars that War had n't caught on, leaving me at the wrong place to meet Famine. 
 
 `` I wish to speak to Death boy.'' whispered the man. 
 
 `` Ca n't'' I said, `` He fired you.'' Only after the words had left my lips did I realise my mistake. The endless pits turned to gaze into my soul as the mouth asked 
 
 `` Fired? Me? I am Famine? A Horseman of the Apocalypse. The end of the world is nigh! He ca n't fire me!'' It was at this point that I realised that I was in some serious shit. Now I had been in shit before, but this shit was so serious it wore a three piece suit and would n't smile if you tickled it all over. 
 
 `` Yeah, Death feels that you are n't really going in the direction that he sees for the Four Horsemen, if you know what I mean?'' 
 
 `` No I do n't'' came the raspy reply. 
 
 `` Well, it's like this.'' In for a penny in for a pound mam always said. `` He was saying that you take a bit long to finish em off you know. Starvation is a commitment, causes a backlog. Death just is n't keen on the waiting, he has other things to do.'' 
 
 `` And what would Death have me do if not bring famine to the people?'' Famine asked. 
 
 `` Hell if I know, War seemed to find something, why do n't you ask him.'' This interested Famine, who, after finding War embroiled in the creation of some heinously complicated board game, set about painting some things in the inn, and inadvertently created the Still Life art movement. 
 
 & nbsp; 
 
 I tell you, I was still wiping the sweat from my brow when another shadow befell me. I turned to find the third Horseman, Pestilence. 
 
 `` I seek council with Death.'' came the rattle from the throat of Pestilence. Now I'm not too clever, but even I knew that if he found War and Famine and the stories did n't match then I was in for a hurt so big the world would end soon after. So I said 
 
 `` Yeah, actually Death's broken up the whole band. The Four Horsemen are more like the Self Motivated Band of Individual Travellers now.'' Pestilence settled its gaze upon me and rattled again. 
 
 `` I do not understand.'' 
 
 `` Look, Death was thinking, and he decided to let War and Famine go. They were cramping his style in a bad way and he just could n't work with them. He always liked you the most Pestilence, but with everyone's creative differences and the Horsemen coming apart he just did n't want to keep you around. He needed a fresh start.'' 
 
 `` Insolence'' replied Pestilence, `` What am I to do if not ride as a Harbinger of the Apocalypse?'' I sighed before saying, 
 
 `` Go check with War and Famine, they found something to do.'' Pestilence wondered off. He found no succour in the trivial pursuits of his erstwhile companions, and set about the ugly village itself, where he set about training the rats, and the fleas on the rats, consequently starting the first animal circus largely by mistake. 
 
 & nbsp; 
 
 I had had a rough day by this point, but boy oh boy was I not ready for what came next. The sun had just kissed the horizon as my ears filled with a terrible thrumming, which turned itself into the hoof-beats of a skeletal horse mounted by Death itself. 
 
 # # Inform my companions that I was delayed and now seek to parley with them. 
 
 Oh shit. If Death talked to them then the metaphorical cat would be out of the proverbial bag, as my dad used to say. I did the only thing I could in that situation, I rolled the growing lie in my mouth before biting it hard and yanking for all I was worth. 
 
 `` Thing is, Death, the others were having a chat, airing some grievances if you will, and they came to the conclusion that they needed to let you go. You know, replace you.'' 
 
 # # Replace me? I am the god of the end. The fourth horseman. I am the rider of the night and the taker of souls. I can not be replaced. 
 
 `` Be that as it may, they just ca n't get over some of the things you do. You were late, that's quite a big no-no, being late for the Apocalypse and all. They told me to tell you that it's not you, its them; but they were hinting that it was mostly you.'' 
 
 # # Fools, to scorn the bringer of death, to replace a Horseman. Tell me in which direction they rode so that I may crush them. 
 
 `` Uhh, they went Left.'' I said, pointing to a trail that I knew led to a swamp that held a cave that ran the length of the Earth four times before ending at the core. Now I did n't know this at the time, but it was there, and I was quite lucky to point at it. 
 
 The thunder of Death's horse rang through my mortal ears as I watched him ride away.
