[ WP ] A horror story , but from the villains perspective , written as a comedy .

Oh my god, this is just pure gold. She literally has one flip flop now! One flip flop and she is working so hard to get over that fence. You got it baby, just hike that leg over the barb wire. Oops, there are a few sticking through your hamstring. Do n't fall! Please do n't fall! Annnddd, there she goes anyway. That had to hurt. 
 
 I walk over to her, slow and methodical, taunting her futile effort to escape. She hears my foot steps and lets out a bloodcurdling scream as she turns to lock eyes with mine. Oh do not worry baby, there is no one around to hear us. Let's just take it slow and steady. My knife skills are that of a prolific butcher and I am prone to taking my time. I will just start with your head. What a Friday this is turning out to be. 
 
 As I finish up my masterful carving, her mutilated body in pieces, I head back to the abandoned farm house. 
 
 Why are all the lights off? What in the hell is going on? I am so scared! Nah, just kidding. I cut that shit off so I can butcher them all. 
 
 I hear her two butt buddies yell to each other as I approach from the woods. 
 
 `` Oh shit, oh shit. There is he. Fuck Johnny, he is covered in blood! ``, he says to his friend as he stands dumbfounded on the porch. 
 
 `` Hey guys! I do n't... I do n't really think your girl toy is up to playing anymore. She is not feeling altogether right now. She'll have to sit this one out'', I yell towards the porch, my voice mocking their horror stricken faces. 
 
 They scramble inside the house, the door slams behind them nearly breaking the hinges off the battered oak door. 
 
 `` What the hell fellas? You really want to go in there? ``, I say out loud to myself. Those goobers are already hiding but I figured it would make for some heightened drama. 
 
 I approach the front of the steps. As I take my first step up, I trip and fall on my ass. I let out a cuss word as I slip around in the blood of the barbwire feline. God, I am a terrible at being scary. 
 
 I walk into the dark foyer, the only sound the creak of my footsteps. Hmm... where would a psychotic murderer go from here? The creepy basement maybe? Probably not, that is only for cliche villains. Maybe the upstairs? That seems like a logical starting point. 
 
 I walk up the flight of stairs, they moan as I descend to the second floor. I stop at the top, peering down each hallway trying to decide the next path. 
 
 `` Dammit boys, just come out and fall on my knife. How much easier would that be? ``, I say into the darkness, my voice a joyful tone of death. 
 
 I hear some commotion in a small guest room down the left side of the hallway. I hear the sound of breaking glass. I walk slowly, like all creepy killers do, and enter the room. I approach a broken window and look down and there they, mangled on the grass below like two deer waited to be gutted. 
 
 I start laughing hysterically as I take the scene in. Both idiots lay on the ground, each attempting to army crawl away from the house. 
 
 `` Oh my goodness, can it get any better? Did you fools break some bones. Do not worry! I will be right down to help! ``, I say in a helping tone of deceit. 
 
 By the time I get outside, they have literally moved ten feet. I walk directly in front of their line of sight and stop about five feet away from their grounded heads. 
 
 `` Guys, guys. I am here to help! I told you that. Now, show me where your booboo's are! ``, I say like a caring mother. Oh, I am too funny. 
 
 They start screaming in horror, tears rush down their face as my knife glistens in the moonlight. 
 
 `` Not going to tell the good ole Doctor huh? Fine, fine, let's just start at the scalp'', I say as I walk towards them. 
 
 Turns out, they just broke their legs. But just for safe measure, I made sure to check all their insides, including all their tendons. If we are going to fix them, we might as well go the extra mile and check how durable everything is. 
 
 My knife is perfect for that.
