[ WP ] How to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich

Here's the secret to the perfect peanut butter sandwich: three slices of bread. Seriously, check this shit out. We take one piece of bread and toast it. The center toasty piece gives the sandwich some crunch. 
 
 `` Could I just have a regular PB & J?'' 
 
 What? Bullshit! This is better. Now while the middle slice is toasting, get your other ingredients ready. What kind of peanut butter do you want, crunchy or smooth? 
 
 `` I'd like regular JIF, not crunchy. And grape jelly.'' 
 
 Blamsphemy! We're using smooth, all natural peanut butter. See that oil at the top of the jar? That makes the peanut butter good! Do n't pour it out like some damn low-fat diet sissy. Stir that shit in there. Mix it up good. Yum! Now that's some damn good peanut butter! 
 
 Now jelly. I'm going to use wild strawberry preserves for the jelly, unless you have another preference. 
 
 `` Could I just get JIF and grape jelly on Wonderbread?'' 
 
 No, you ca n't get JIF and Wonderbread! Ugh! Why would you even bother making a sandwich if that's what you want it to taste like? Why not just swallow some toothpaste? 
 
 Now lucky for you, I've got some organic Concord grape preserves. We're gon na spread that over both of the untoasted pieces of bread. Not as much as we'd use if this were a one layer sandwich. Oh, ding, toast is done. Let that cool off for a second. Now watch how I put less of the jelly on one of the bread pieces. I'll show you why in a second. 
 
 Good. Now we take the toasted bread and spread on the peanut butter. Nice and thick and even. Not only does the toast make the sandwich crunch, it makes it easier to spread the peanut butter. You do n't tear up bread trying to spread it. See? 
 
 `` Please. Could I just have a regular, simple PB & J like my mom mom used to make?'' 
 
 No. Your mother was an idiot. I'm making you a real sandwich. Now check this out. After I put peanut butter on one side of the toast, I lay it down on top of the bread that has the most jelly. Then *more* peanut butter on the *other* side. 
 
 And now secret ingredient number two: honey! The all natural peanut butter is n't crammed full of high fructose corn syrup like whatever discount store crap your mom used, so some wild clover honey on top of the peanut butter adds some sweetness in. 
 
 Put the top jelly piece on, and voila! The perfect peanut butter and jelly sandwich. 
 
 `` But, really. Please. I just wanted...'' 
 
 Shut up and eat your damn sandwich. 
 
 `` This is... Oh, wow. This is good! This might be the best thing I've ever eaten!'' 
 
 Fuck yeah, it is. See what I mean about the crunch? 
 
 `` I do. This is great. So good. So...'' 
 
 Yeah, I know it's good. You do n't have to cry about it. Go ahead, eat up. I'll wait. 
 
 All finished? You want another one? 
 
 `` No. Thank you. That was... well, thank you.'' 
 
 All right, then. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Last meal's over, fellas. Guards, you can take him away now.
