[ WP ] Since birth , you have always had a bad sense of direction that would defy the laws of logic and space . Instead of arriving at your destination , you would end up in places or areas impossible for normal people to get to .

I should have one of those horrible clickbait ads. 
 
 You know the ones: *Google Maps HATES Him!!!!!!!! * or whatever like that. If my life could be summed up by one word, it would be that disgustingly perfect GPS voice saying `` Recalculating'' over and over again. 
 
 Why? What do you mean, why? Have n't you read about me? How I have to have a chauffeur because my driving endangers the known universe? 
 
... Oh. Okay, so I'll start from the beginning. Did n't realize you lived under a rock. 
 
 So ever since I was about five, I've had an issue with following directions. Short distances, like around the house or between classes at school, were fine. But one time, when I was about 19, I walked around a 2-mile walking trail -- yes, a trail with *no forks or intersections* -- and ended up in midwest Sweden. Naturally, that little caper landed me in a good deal of trouble, and I was slated for a trial in a week. But as I walked to the courthouse, down a route I had a very accurate map for, I got lost. And when I got un-lost, I was back outside my house. 
 
 Sweden was in an uproar as to where I went, but nobody really knew. I stayed at home until it died down, and took the bus practically everywhere because I really could n't afford another similar situation. And then one day, I missed the bus to work and had to walk the three blocks there. No problem, right? Big problem. This time, I ended up in 18th-century Newfoundland, surrounded by very confused Indian -- I mean, Native Americans. 
 
 When I tried to find my way back, I ended up in a janitor's closet on Downing Street. After I was forcibly escorted out to show security how I managed it, they followed me and we all ended up atop Mount Rushmore. 
 
 That's when the governments of the world gave up and hired me a chauffeur.
