[ EU ] Jesus is enrolled into Camp Half-Blood .

*Jesus is sitting on his bed in his dorm room in camp half blood. His roommate, Percy, is sitting across from him, trying to talk to him, because he's noticed he's been acting different lately. * 
 
 
 **PERCY**: Jesus, come on man, you can talk to me. Really? You're going to give me the silent treatment? That's real mature. Look man, I can tell something has been up with you lately, so you might as well spill the beans. 
 
 
 **JESUS: ** Different? I think you pronounced sexy wrong! Haha! Also I fucked your mom on Xbox live! 
 
 
 **PERCY: ** Bro, stop with the stupid jokes. Do n't you think it's time you... Mature a little. You're 2016 years old now! 
 
 
 **JESUS: ** More like 2016 inches deep into your MOTHER! Lol haha I'm so funny. 
 
 
 **PERCY: ** Bro, what the fuck? Grow up. It's not just this. You've turned water into wine at 4 parties have is week, cured everyone's hangovers. And what's that weird walking on water thing you do? 
 
 
 **JESUS: ** It's water skiing. Only I do n't need the skis because I do n't need'em. 
 
 
 **PERCY: ** Look-Jesus. This just is n't you. What's gotten into lately? What is it? Depression? Do you have body image issues? Is it a girl? 
 
 
 **JESUS: ** I'm a virgin it runs in the family. And dude what the fuck? What happened to you! We used to be bros. We would do all this fun stuff together! 
 
 
 **PERCY: ** For Gods sake Percy, I just think it's time we grow up! 
 
 
 **JESUS: ** Hey, do n't talk about my father like that! 
 
 
 **PERCY: ** Well do you want me to call him? Update him on how your doing? Is that what you want! 
 
 
 **JESUS: ** You're threatening to snitch on me but I'm the immature one? Stop persecuting me you privileged white demigod! First you do n't celebrate my birthday and now this! You know what, fuck this shit, I'm outta here. 
 
 
 *Jesus gets up to leave. * 
 
 
 **PERCY: ** Jesus. 
 
 
 *Jesus stops. * 
 
 
 **JESUS: ** OH MY FUCKING GOSH, what? 
 
 
 *Percy looks Jesus directly in the eye. * 
 
 
 **PERCY: ** Do you have daddy issues? 
 
 
 *There is a pause. Then Jesus slowly starts to burst into tears. * 
 
 
 **JESUS: ** Yes. Yes I do. I try so hard to make it look like I have it together, and make him proud... But inside... I'm just crumbling. Oh what have I become! Look at me! I'm pathetic. 
 
 
 **PERCY: ** Hey man, it's okay. Just let it all out. You do n't need to be fake around me. 
 
 
 **JESUS: ** Yeah man. I am. You know what, I'm sick of pretending to be someone I'm not! 
 
 
 **PERCY: ** Atta boy! 
 
 
 **JESUS: ** I'm just going to put it all put in the open. I FUCKED AN EGG! 
 
 
 **PERCY: ** Wait, what? 
 
 
 **JESUS: ** Do you know what it's like being forced to being a virgin who ca n't masturbate or look at porn is like bro? It's horrific. I mean it's the closest I can actually get to touching a vagina. Eggs come out of bird vaginas! Is n't it just so sexual? Same with dairy. It's cow titty milk man! But you know what? I'm proud! I'm proud that I fucked an egg, maybe once, 3 times. Several times a week! Is it weird I just got a boner thinking about that? 
 
 
 **PERCY: ** Well... Yes. But this is good. We're making progress. 
 
 
 **JESUS: ** It's my only sexual release, man. 
 
 
 **PERCY: ** I understand, go on. 
 
 
 **JESUS: ** And sometimes it turns me on knowing that my dad is always watching me. 
 
 
 **PERCY: ** Okay that's really fucking weird bro. Fucking an egg was one thing but what the fuck? 
 
 
 **JESUS: ** And my mother Mary too... I mean she's a virgin too. I know she likes it. She just takes all she can get... Also, snorting birth control beforehand does n't really get you high like I thought, but it makes the experience *so* much better! 
 
 
 
 **THE END**
