[ WP ] You 're not feeling quite like yourself after that organ transplant

I told Dani it was because of the surgery, and I suppose I wasn ’ t really lying. It was a perfectly natural response when faced with your own mortality to rethink your life, and the choices you ’ ve made, right? I hated to hurt her like that, we ’ d been perfectly happy for god knows how long. I *loved* her, but after the transplant… 
 
 Explaining this to the empty bottle in my hand was a little easier than explaining to Dani, it didn ’ t look back at me with big brown tear-filled eyes. Still, they both reminded me that I was totally alone. 
 
 *Fuck. * Why did I do this to myself? I should have waited a few more months, I should have tried harder! Why did I suddenly change? It wasn ’ t Dani, that was for sure, she was such a constant person. I was *positive* the change happened after the surgery. It was like a light switch turning off, the moment I woke up after the transplant, I had fallen out of love. That was that. 
 
 I should get outta here. Garret was letting me sleep at his place and I didn ’ t want to piss him off and show up drunk in the middle of the night. I probably shouldn ’ t be drinking at all, but if I was gunna be voluntarily destroying my life I might as well be thorough. 
 
 I turned right out of habit when I left the bar, but spun right back around at the end of the block. That way was Dani ’ s place, not mine. Garret lived uptown so I ’ d have to take the bus. Checking the time on my phone, I realized the next bus wouldn ’ t be here for another 20 minutes, so I sat down on the bench to wait. I put my face in my hands so I could better stew in my own misery, but a soft voice startled me out of my moping, causing my heart to thump erratically. 
 
 “ Are you alright? ” 
 
 I hadn ’ t even seen her there. Her dark coat blended into the night, but I realized now that she ’ d been waiting here since before I ’ d arrived. She was tiny, and obviously not a threat; I tried to calm down and slow my racing pulse. 
 
 “ O-oh. Eh, not really. ” I answered her honestly. I just couldn ’ t make myself respond with the customary “ fine. ” 
 
 She surprised me again by giving me a look of understanding, rather than one of polite concern. It seemed like she really *was* interested in my problems. 
 
 
 “ Would you like to talk about it? The bus won ’ t be here for a while. It might help. ” She replied gently, scooting a bit closer to me on the bench. 
 
 What a strangely compassionate person. I looked her in the eye for a moment, they were a bright blue, and nothing like Dani ’ s. Ah, *Dani. * I signed and turned away. 
 
 “ No, no that ’ s ok. I don ’ t need to bother you with how I ’ m ruining my life, ” I sighed, putting my face back in my hands. 
 
 She gave a soft laugh, at that. “ Take this from an outside observer: It ’ s tough now, but you ’ ll be alright in the end. As long as you still have a life, there ’ s hope for a future. ” 
 
 I peaked between my fingers at her, she met my gaze with a serious expression on her face. 
 
 “ Has anyone died? ” she scolded me. 
 
 “... no… ” I answered slowly. 
 
 “ Then there ’ s still hope. ” she countered with real fierceness. 
 
 I didn ’ t know what to say to that, she was starting to take this personally. I just stared back blankly. 
 
 She hesitated for a moment, clearly embarrassed by her outburst, and ducked her head to allow her soft brown hair to obscure her face. Now I felt like it was my turn to comfort her. 
 
 “ A-are *you* alright? ” 
 
 She looked up at me after a long moment, a small frown on her lips. Her eyes shone but she didn ’ t let her tears fall. 
 
 
 “ No, ” she answered evenly. “ My husband died a couple months ago. When I saw you here, you-you reminded me of him. ” She sighed. “ I ’ m sorry, I shouldn ’ t have- ” 
 
 “ No-no-no, it ’ s okay, ” I reassured her. “ Um, how did he die, if you don ’ t mind telling me about it? ” I could feel my pulse quicken in anxiety. I wasn ’ t great at talking about this kind of stuff, especially with a stranger, but I didn ’ t have much of a choice. 
 
 “ Motorcycle accident. ” She said simply. “ One day he was perfectly fine and the next… ” She shrugged. 
 
 I didn ’ t say anything, but a half-smile appeared on her face after a few moments. 
 
 “ He was such a romantic. The time we had together was… well, I ’ m luckier than most, I suppose. ” 
 
 I realized I had unconsciously slid closer to her throughout the conversation. We were right next to each other on the bench now, but she hadn ’ t yet noticed, too lost in her memories. 
 
 “ His last words to me that morning were ‘ I love you Marie, you know my heart beats only for you. ’ ” 
 
 I wondered for a moment, listening to the sound of my heart thumping in my chest. My donor heart. 

