[ EU ] Alec Baldwin from Glengarry Glen Ross is sent to Dunder Mifflin after a dismal sales quarter .

Hey dude! Saved your post because I thought the concept was so hilarious and just got around to writing it out a few days ago. Hope you enjoy it. 
 
 [ Alec Baldwin struts into the office, and Michael rushes out to greet him. Many in the office are mesmerized by his commanding presence. Creed lifts up one of his earphones, that are attached to an 80s walkman. Only Stanley is absent from the main room ] 
 
 
 Michael ( M ): Welcome, welcome. You are from corporate? 
 
 Alec Baldwin ( AB ): That ’ s right. 
 
 M: and what ’ s your name? 
 
 AB: Fuck YOU, that ’ s my name. 
 
 
 [ At this point everyone in the office has stopped what they are doing and started paying attention. Angela seems to be turned on by this commanding man ] 
 
 
 Dwight ( D ): [ stands up ] You can ’ t talk to Michael that way. 
 
 AB: I can do whatever the hell I want, forehead. So sit the fuck down, and speak when spoken to. 
 
 Jim ( J ): I feel like I missed something, who are you? 
 
 AB: Who am I…. that ’ s a great question, who am I? I ’ ll pose a similar one to you: who are you? 
 
 Andy ( Andy ): That ’ s big tuna over there. I ’ m Andy Bernard, Cornell Class of ’ 88. But you can call me the Nard-dog. 
 
 AB: [ looks at the rest of the office, as if to hold them responsible ] If that man speaks again, you are all fired. [ Andy looks confused, hurt ] [ AB turns to Jim expectantly ] 
 
 J: My name is Jim. 
 
 AB: Well, Jim, who I am is not important. What you should all be asking yourselves is why I am here. Would anyone like to know why I ’ m here? 
 
 Kevin ( K ): [ long pause, as everyone is afraid to speak ] Yes, I want to know why you ’ re here. 
 
 AB: Thank you, human Cronut. I am here on a mission of mercy. Your Scranton branch shit the bed last sales quarter, so Dunder Mifflin sent me down here to fix it. [ Turns to Michael ] Are they all here? 
 
 M: [ clearly not paying attention ] What? 
 
 AB: ARE - THEY - ALL - HERE? 
 
 M: Uh, yeah, everyone except for Stanley. 
 
 AB: I ’ m going anyway. 
 
 [ Stanley walks back into the room, holding a cup of coffee, looking totally uninterested ] 
 
 AB: PUT that coffee DOWN. Coffee is for closers. 
 
 Stanley ( S ): No. [ He picks up his Sudoku puzzle ] 
 
 AB: [ to M ] This is Stanley? [ M nods. AB turns back to S ] If you don ’ t put that Sudoku book down, I will make you eat every single one of those pages. [ Stanley rolls his eyes ] 
 I can see that you all don ’ t fully grasp the situation you ’ re currently in. That will soon change. See, today I bring with me some bad news: You ’ re all fired. [ everyone looks at each other in shock ] However, I also come bearing good news: You can earn your jobs back, starting today, by becoming real fucking salesman. [ AB walks over to his suitcase ] 
 
 Oscar ( O ): What about the people whose jobs aren ’ t sales related? 
 
 AB: See, that ’ s the beauty of this little exercise. There ’ s no need for an accounting department if no sales are being made. You ’ re excess. You are the fat that gets fed to the dogs. You are less than nothing. [ everyone looks exasperated, as AB pulls a pair of brass balls out of his briefcase, holds them up and enjoys a dramatic pause ] THESE are what it takes to be a successful salesman. 
 
 Pam ( P ): Or saleswoman! 
 
 AB: You remind me of my wife [ P smiles ] … I hate my wife [ P frowns ]. 
 
 M: I didn ’ t know we were doing props, hold on hold on hold on. [ Michael rushes back into his office ] 
 
 AB: [ holds bridge of nose between pointer finger and thumb ] Forehead, it is now your job to make sure your boss doesn ’ t elicit physical violence from me. 
 
 D: [ recognizing alpha male in the room ] I ’ m on it. [ Dwight sprints to M ’ s office to try to calm him down ] 
 
 AB: [ holding brass balls ] Can anyone tell me what these are? 
 
 Kevin: [ giggles ] 
 
 Creed ( C ): Those are a pair of 19th century bronzed bull testicles, probably from King Phillip III of Spain ’ s personal stable. 
 
 AB: That is somehow correct, Macauly Culkin ’ s grandfather. It ’ s a pair of brass balls. These are what you need to be a salesman. [ turns around to find blackboard that seemingly appears out of nowhere ] A: Always, B: Be, C: Closing; Always Be Closing. 
 
 Kevin: Wait a second… who are you again? 
 
 AB: Shut the fuck up, you fat moron, and let me speak. 
 
 Phyllis ( P ): Kevin ’ s not stupid, don ’ t talk to him like that. 
 
 AB: [ Turns to K ] What is the letter that comes after C? 
 
 K: uhhhhhhh- 
 
 AB: Exactly. [ returning to presentation ] A-I-D- 
 
 K: D! The next letter is D. 
 
 AB: As I was saying, A-I-D-A: Attention, Interest, Decision, Action. Attention- Do I have your attention? Interest: Are you interested? I know you are, cause it ’ s Fuck or Walk. Decision: Have you come to a decision? Action: Close - the fucking - sale. Any of you mongoloids have anything intelligent to say? 
 
 J: The leads are weak. 
 
 AB: The leads are weak? YOU ’ RE WEAK. 
 
 M: Yeah, Jim, you ’ re weak. 
 
 AB: Forehead, do your job. [ Dwight whispers something to Michael about staying quiet ] 
 Dunder Mifflin payed good money for those leads, and you would do well to CLOSE. I have another surprise for you. [ AB reaches back into his suitcase, and pulls out the GOLD LEADS ] These are the new leads. These are the corporate leads. To you, they are gold. But, you don ’ t get them, because to give them to you would be wasting them. 
 
 S: That ’ s not fair. 
 
 AB: [ strangely calm ] Oscar and Gabe, would you leave the room. Now, please. 
 [ Oscar and Gabe shuffle out into the hallway. As soon as the office door closes AB explodes ] SHUT YOUR COCK SUCKER YOU FUCKIN ’ FAGGOT. THERE IS NOTHING FAIR IN THIS WORLD. IT IS MAN EAT MAN, DOG EAT DOG, AND I SUGGEST YOU FUCKIN ’ HOMOS GET USED TO IT. [ turns to D ] Forehead, would you let Oscar and Gabe back in. [ Dwight opens the hallway door and motions for Oscar and Gabe to come back in the office. Both of them clearly heard AB ’ s rant ] 
 
 Gabe ( G ): [ Confused, meekly, trying to joke ] Why did I have to go in the hallway? 
 
 M: [ defiant ] If you ’ re such a big deal, why did you come down here to talk to us bunch of bums in lowly Scranton? 
 
 AB: You see this watch? 
 
 M: [ Trying to muster a mocking tone ] Yes. 
 
 AB: This watch costs more than your piece of shit Seabring. [ Michael looks saddened but still defiant ] I made $ 970,000 last year, how much you make? 
 
 J: Must have been pretty emasculating falling just short of a million. 
 
 AB: Oh, it sure was big tuna. Although, it couldn ’ t possibly have been as emasculating as when you made what amounts to barely above the median national income, could it now, James. 
 
 J: [ looks at camera worryingly ] 
 
 AB: [ Turns to office ] You have the leads, you have my advice; now go forth and use it, you worthless specks of fuck-shit. [ Puts brass balls back into suitcase, thinks about handing the gold leads to Michael, thinks better of it ] You back there, smart guy. 
 
 Darrell ( D ): Me? 
 
 AB: Yeah, you. You were intelligent enough to not say a single word while I was here, so I ’ m entrusting you with the leads. When you think these pieces of shit are ready for them, give them to ‘ em. Not a moment before. 
 
 D: Ok. 
 
 [ Kelly bursts through the annex door ] 
 
 Kelly: Did anyone see Keeping up with the Kardashian ’ s last night? 
 
 AB: The air in this town is poison. You all deserve your plights. [ leaves ]
