[ WP ] The secret to eternal life is discovered ... and it 's really goddamn stupid .

`` Ingestion of dried nasal mucus inhibits telomere shortening and prevents cellular senescence in humans'' stood in big black letters on the first page of the stack of paper the senator had just handed him. 
 
 `` You're going to have to explain this to me.'' 
 
 `` Well, Mr. President, what these people have found is that... how can I put this? What they've found is that the key to immortality is... eating boogers.'' 
 
 The president's expression changed to one of narrowly contained anger. 
 
 `` I do n't appreciate being made a fool of. Now get out of my office.'' 
 
 `` Mr President, you know I would never joke about something like this. I can assure you that this research is entirely genuine. If you would please just turn your attention to the marked sections on pages five and eight...'' 
 
 He studied the senator's expression carefully, but could n't detect even a hint of a snicker or anything else that would suggest that he was being anything but truthful. He leafed quickly through the stack of paper to get to the marked sections. ``... 99 % confidence... one serving per day for an adult male... should preserve youthfulness indefinitely.'' 
 
 `` What you're saying is that eating one... booger... daily will keep a person young forever?'' 
 
 `` Yes, Mr. President.'' 
 
 `` How has no one found out about this by now? Do the Chinese know? What about the Russians?'' 
 
 `` Our intelligence reports suggest that neither the Chinese nor the Russians know about this. The Russians did some experiments with toenail clippings in the sixties, but they were unsuccessful. As far as governments are concerned, it seems that only we know, specifically you, me, and about ten people in the Department of Defense, though we suspect that there are multiple individuals, not tied to any government or organization, who possess this knowledge but do n't share it, for obvious reasons. The DOD is trying to track them down as we speak.'' 
 
 `` Thank you, senator. You've handled this situation perfectly so far. Make sure that no one else gets wind of this, not even the vice president.'' 
 
 `` Yes sir, of course sir.'' 
 
 `` Well then, shall we get the first taste of immortality together?'' 
 
 `` I would be honored, sir!'' 
 
 Looking into eachother's eyes, the two men put their fingers into their noses, looking to excavate the slimy ambrosia. As the president began to taste the salty secretion the senator said: 
 
 `` One more thing, Mr. President.'' 
 
 `` Yes?'' 
 
 `` Smile, you're on'America's funniest home videos LIVE'!'' 
 
 `` What?'' 
 
 `` You're live on national television!'' 
 
 `` Everything you've just told me was a lie?'' 
 
 `` You bet! You should see the look on your face right now!'' 
 
 The president calmly reached under his desk, retrieving a large suitcase and placing it on top. With a sigh, he opened the suitcase and, unable to bear the humiliation, entered the launch codes that would bring about nuclear armageddon. Now close to tears, he looked at the senator and said: 
 
 `` I hope you're happy.''
