[ WP ] After only a few hundred years the denizens of Hell get used to its horrors and it turns out to be not so bad all . Meanwhile in Heaven most everyone has become an entitled prick as its pleasantries become excruciatingly boring .

Tom trailed his fingers through the fiery water, tracing tiny circles even as he floated along the surface in a black inner tube. 
 
 “ It ’ s a little cooler today, don ’ t you think? ” He asked John who was floating a few feet away, arms crossed and a sour look on his face. 
 
 “ Oh, don ’ t be like that. You ’ ll get used to it. ” 
 
 “ I - ” John winced as another flame singed the hairs on his back, “ I don ’ t see how. ” 
 
 “ You just - do. ” 
 
 Tom ’ s job was to help acclimate new denizens to Hell. In trade, he got gruel with ten percent more maggots in it. The flavorful little critters had recently spiked in value due to Satan getting wind that most of his subjects found them tasty in comparison to the creamy puree the provided sustenance down here. 
 
 With Tom ’ s additional allocation he was finding all sorts of trading opportunities but felt he had sufficiently divested himself for the moment so he had splurged on a day on the lake for himself and his newbie charge John. 
 
 “ Over to your right, ” Tom pointed to a group of denizens splashing in the lake, “ You can see people who splashed water under a no-splashing sign in pools. ” Periodically a group would go under, vanishing from sight, drowning in the fiery waters. 
 
 “ Did they just - ” 
 
 “ Drown? Yeah. Don ’ t worry, they ’ ll pop back up eventually. ” 
 
 Gazing into the burning red water, I spotted a couple members of the group making fart bubbles and laughing for a moment before they inevitable inhalation of water cut off their fun. 
 
 In the center of the lake was a spire of black obsidian. Atop, Satan ’ s home, a tiny four bedroom cottage, sat with windows open. The big man himself sat on a rocking chair knitting a long scarf while smoke from his chimney spat out a faint cinnamon scent. 
 
 “ He must be making fruit-cake again. ” 
 
 “ Satan bakes? ” 
 
 “ Yeah. Angel-food cake on April Fools, Devil's Food Cupcakes for Christmas, and Fruit-Cake for Easter. I ’ ve heard they ’ re really quite good. ” 
 
 “ You don ’ t get to eat them? ” 
 
 “ Are you kidding? Only the top bureaucrats get a slice and, I ’ ve heard, they have to offer up their loyalty in an an oath to the big man. One which he holds them to. ” 
 
 “ I guess it ’ s the own personal kind of Hell huh. ” 
 
 “ This whole place is our ‘ own personal kind of Hell ’. ” 
 
 “ What are those people doing? ” John pointed to a couple of cliff divers who dove off the side of the spire. They missed the water though, hitting ledges and outcropping on the way down until they finally crashed in mangled heaps on the rocks, just inches from the fiery water. 
 
 “ Oh them? They ’ re the Rash-Decisioners, people who always leapt before they looked in life. ” 
 
 “ And … they were put in Hell for that? ” 
 
 “ Well, it ’ s more the fact that they didn ’ t take into consideration anyone but themselves. ” 
 
 “ What about just ‘ going with their gut ’? ” 
 
 “ When has that ever worked out well? 
 
 Overhead a beam of light pierced the black gray clouds the streaked across the majority of Hell. 
 
 “ What ’ s that? ” 
 
 “ Oh, well, this close to the spire we ’ re effectively in the eye of the storm as it were of Hell. ” 
 
 “ Eye of the - ” 
 
 “ You know, like a Hurricane? Except, in this case, it ’ s the one place you can peer all the way up through the universe. ” 
 
 I watched John ’ s reaction as it gazed upon the universe and all it ’ s glory. Above us, Purgatory and Hell, and far above, just on the edge of our vision, lay Heaven. A gentle mist began to play down on us, cooling the burning sensation on our skin momentarily. 
 
 I heard John sigh in relief. “ Oh, that feels good. Does it rain in here all the time. ” He opened his mouth, letting the water quench his thirst. 
 
 “ Pretty much, but … that ’ s not rain. ” 
 
 “ It ’ s not? ” John turned to look at me. 
 
 “ Nah. It ’ s spit. ” 
 
 John looked sit. “ Spit? ” 
 
 “ Spit from Heaven. ” 
 
 “ They…they ’ re up there spitting on us? ” 
 
 “ Yup. ” 
 
 John wiped the liquid from his mouth. “ But - why? ” 
 
 Tom shrugged. “ Who knows. But, at least it gives us a little breather. ” 
 
 We drifted to the edge of the Eye, back into the Heat which sizzled off the last of the water. 
 
 “ Why would the big man build his house in the middle of all that? ” John asked as Tom slowly pushed them back towards shore. 
 
 “ Who knows. Maybe it ’ s his way of standing up to them. Or just… a way of giving them the finger. ” 
 
 “ The finger? ” 
 
 “ You know, like, Hah! You can spit on me all you want you little shit-spitters, don ’ t bug me none. I ’ ve got umbrellas. ” 
 
 John looked at Tom for a moment, then back up at the sky. 
 
 “ This place is really odd. ” 
 
 “ You ’ re just coming to realize that? ” Tom replied, watching another swimmer go under. 
 
 
 * * * 
 
 “ Aim for the one on the left! ” Jackie told Mary as they leaned against the wall around the pit. 
 
 “ The cute one? ” 
 
 “ The - their denizens of Hell Mary. They ’ re not cute. Their damned. ” 
 
 “ Well, I know but - he ’ s still kind of hot. ” Mary smiled. 
 
 “ No puns allowed! ” A husky voice called from behind them. 
 
 “ Sorry Norm, ” Jackie apologized, “ She ’ s new. ” 
 
 “ Oh, well, see to it that she doesn ’ t make the same mistake. ” 
 
 “ We can ’ t … we can ’ t even tell puns here? ” Mary sulked. 
 
 “ It ’ s against the ethos. The last thing we want to do is annoy one another up here. So, yeah, puns aren ’ t allowed. ” 
 
 Mary crossed her arms. “ But this is Heaven. ” 
 
 “ Yes. Where everything is perfect. Almost. ” 
 
 “ Almost? ” 
 
 “ This here pit, it allows us to see the lesser planes of existence to make us appreciate how good we have it up here. ” 
 
 “ Without jokes, ” Mary scoffed. 
 
 “ Without anything that might be seen as inappropriate. ” 
 
 “ But - we ’ re here spitting on other people? ” Mary ’ s eyebrow cocked. 
 
 “ We ’ re here helping to meet out God ’ s eternal justice on those who deserve it. ” Jackie took in a breath, building up steam then hocking a luggie out into the well. They both watched as the spit made it almost to the bottom before it fell apart and became mist. “ So close! ” Jackie slammed her fist into the cloud wall. 
 
 “ Now you try, ” she encouraged Mary. 
 
 Mary hesitated. “ But, I don ’ t want to spit on anyone. ” 
 
 “ It ’ s your heavenly duty Mary. Plus, it ’ s the funnest thing to do up here, ” Jackie said the last bit under her breath and out of the side of her mouth. 
 
 Mary looked horrified. 
 
 “ Jackie! ” Norm called out from behind her, “ I heard that. ” 
 
 “ Sorry Norm! ” Jackie apologized. 
 
 Norm looked as if he was going to say more, but then turned and walked away. “ You ’ re lucky your at the pit, ” he called over his shoulder. 
 
 “ What ’ s that mean? ” Mary asked. 
 
 “ That they allow the rules to be bent a little out here. ” 
 
 “ Why? ” 
 
 “ Well, we ’ re performing acts of vengeance I ’ m guessing. Even if it ’ s the name of the Big Guy, I ’ m assuming they have to loosen up the rules to 
 allows to actually do it without damning our souls. ” 
 
 Mary still didn ’ t look convinced but, Jackie knew, she would be in time. 
 
 “ Go ahead, give it a try, ” She pushed Mary back towards the wall. “ One good luggie. Who knows, maybe you ’ ll even hit one of them. ” 
 
 Mary looked askance at Jackie, but she complied. The luggie flew out true, arcing into near the center of the great pit. They watched it as it fall, joining with the other luggies from a thousand other denizens of Heaven who milled around the great pit. 
 
 “ Oh man, it looks like…it…it is! You ’ re gon na hit his house! ” Jackie exclaimed excitedly! 
 
 “ What does that mean!? ” Mary asked even as they both saw her luggie, still fully cohesive, struck the rooftop below, changing it ’ s color from a deep deep red, to a green. 
 
 A moment later, Mary turned and slapped Jackie hard, leaving a red glowing hand-print on Jackie ’ s face. 
 
 Mary covered her mouth in horror. “ Oh, I ’ m so so sorry, I didn ’ t mean to! ” She looked around, searching for Norm or one of the other policing Angels to come and take her away. 
 
 But Jackie just smiled, “ That felt awesome! ” 
 
 Mary looked like she might be sick. Jackie lay her hand on her shoulder, “ Please! It ’ s okay. That just felt, it just felt great to feel something 
 again! ” 
 
 Norm appeared next to them and the sound of cuffs locking could be heard. But Mary ’ s hands were free. 
 
 “ Don ’ t worry Jackie, the feeling will pass, ” Norm informed Jackie who looked fearful. 
 
 “ But I - I don ’ t want it to? ” 
 
 “ That ’ s what they all say! ” Norm unfurled a pair of white wings and jumped into the air with a big flap, dragging Jackie with him. Screaming the whole way, “ Do it again Mary! Do it again! ” 
 
 Mary turned horrified back to the pit. Then pushed herself away. Determined she would never return to this place again. 
 
 Secretly knowing, that was probably a lie. 

