[ IP ] Red Balloons

*Oh no, It's happening again, that sinking feeling*, I thought as my stomach knotted up tightly. I could feel my whole body slowly being pulled down into cold water, but I could n't move. I opened my eyes and looked out. *No, I ca n't be here again* It looked exactly the same as last time and everything was happening in the exact same way. I was being pulled down into a large black lake and could n't move anything except my eyes. The lake was smooth and placid, nothing disturbed it, not a sound was made. But then something strange happened, the water started to ripple in one spot, starting out small and slowly growing in size, until the small pocket of water rose above the surface level, followed by a red ballon which buoyed up and floated toward the sky. *Exactly the same as last time*, I thought and felt like crying. I knew exactly what was going to happen. One by one, red balloons started to bubble out of the lake, floating up towards the air, as I sank further and further down into the black water. I sank faster and faster until my whole body, save for my head, was submerged under the cold constriction of the lake. 
 
 Suddenly, the hundreds upon hundreds balloons in the air stopped floating and hovered in one spot, like icicles. Then just as they came, they popped, one by one, each releasing a voice as they did. I heard it again and screamed, the voice- my dad's voice, repeating over and over again, echoing endlessly as he spoke the shape of a single word. Breathing a solitary name hundreds and hundreds of times out into the air: my name. He was saying my name. With the final pop of the last balloon, I heard my name repeated one more time: 
 
 `` Evan.'' he whispered, before I ceased screaming and sank under the water. 
 
 I woke with a start, gasping for air. I lay in my bed in shock, my eyes finding something to stare at. They fastened on a speck on the ceiling which was glowing in the moonlight faintly. It did n't help though to stop the tears. I sat bolt upright and my face felt hot and red. A few tears ran down my cheeks as my eyes welled up and a lump formed in my throat. 
 
 `` It's not my fault.'' I stammered to myself, clutching my knees, `` It's not my fault... It's not my fault... It's not my fault...'' I felt like a child. I felt like a movie character cliché just sitting on my bed crying, weak and stupid. I just wanted someone bigger than me to hold me and tell me that it's not my fault. Someone who I could believe. But no one was there, so I just kept crying. I cried until my mouth was dry and my eyes felt sticky. I wanted to throw up. I could n't believe the dream had come back. It's been over half a year since I last dreamt it and I thought I finally got over it. I thought I finally would be able to move on. I know now that I'm wrong. I do n't think I'll ever be able to move on. How could I? It *was* my fault. I know that. But dad, I hope you can forgive me. 
 
 I was just a kid; I could n't have seen it coming. I'm sorry that you took me to the amusement park that day. I hate saying that because, it is one of my favorite memories of you, but it's true. I'll never forget you taking me to go with you on the stupid little roller coasters for toddlers and making you sit with me, even though you were way too big, just because I was scared. And I'll never forget getting chocolate ice cream with you and holding your big hand on the way back to the car. I'll never forget that red balloon you bought me just before we left... that stupid red balloon. I remember you walking in the woods with you by the lake where you told me that you loved me and I was too busy eating ice cream to say anything back, but you just looked at my chocolate covered face and smiled, wiping it off. If I had known that was the last time I saw you, I swear I would have said those three words thousands of times. I'm sorry for letting go of that balloon and watching it float out towards the lake, before it got caught in that tree branch. And I'm sorry for crying about it when I lost it. I'm sorry that I asked you to go out and get it. I'll never forget what you did for me, ever. I'm sorry I was such a little shit. And I'm sorry that your arm was n't long enough. I'm sorry that the rock you stepped on was slippery and I'm sorry I was n't strong enough to pick you up when you hit your head and fell into the water. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. It should have been me who fell in. It should have been me. It was my balloon. But there's nothing I can do now to make me strong enough to save you... Let me just say those three words I should have fucking said to you 12 years ago on that terrible day. 
 
 
 I love you. 
 
 * * * 
 Anybody critique me please. 

