[ WP ] You are the devil and you have been summoned via a satanic ritual . As you manifest yourself you find yourself in a quaint living room and meet a sweet old lady who just wants some company

“ So after the recent changes we seem to have the most pressure at the points here, here, and here, ” said the middle-aged man pointing to three parts of the East Pacific Ridge. 
 
 “ Thanks Bill, that ’ s an improvement, ” I said staring at the map in front of me, “ what about our efforts at diverting the energy flow? ” 
 
 Bill looked at me in distaste and I winced internally as my mind flashed back to when I, er, forcibly volunteered him for this position. “ We ’ ve been able to divert about 60 % of the energy to forgotten parts of this realm, but- ” 
 
 “ But that isn ’ t sustainable, ” I said, noticing Bill ’ s scowl at me. Yep, forcible recruitment was not my best idea. Especially for this job, it doesn ’ t really breed loyalty. But really, what was I supposed to do? He was due soon and I was in the neighbourhood, it honestly would have been more wasteful to come back for him when he was actually supposed to die. 
 
 “ No… ” Bill said slowly, looking at me as if trying to figure out if I was going to interrupt him again. He looked uncomfortable as I stared at him opening my eyes wider every second until they popped fully out of my head. He sighed and continued, “ no it isn ’ t, I suggest- ” 
 
 “ What do you think we should do? ” I said pausing briefly before continuing, “ are you hot? ” I asked noticing his reddening face, “ I ’ d offer to turn down the heat but… you know ” I finished vaguely waving my hands at the maps on the table to indicate the situation we were in. 
 
 “ In short, we ’ re fucked, ” Bill said quickly so I couldn ’ t get a word in. Not for the first time I wished I could ’ ve worked with someone from my realm, but apparently every single one of my people was insane. Go figure. 
 
 “ That doesn ’ t sound like a suggestion. ” 
 
 Bill narrowed his eyes at me, “ unfortunately due to a long history of… inefficient management, there ’ s not much that can be done. ” He looked towards the map with a sigh, “ I ’ ll give it a couple hundred, maybe a hundred fifty years before our countermeasures fail and our reality starts erasing the human world. ” 
 
 I winced as I thought of what Yahweh would do if they saw how badly I fucked up, all because I ’ d been an edgy teen who thought fire was cool. In the hundred years it took to change my mind it was too late to go back. I saw Bill looking at me so I grunted and had a small rock fall on his head. 
 
 “... then you ’ ll be really fucked, ” he said bitterly. I couldn ’ t tell if he was finishing his earlier thought or if he ’ d been talking the whole time and I didn ’ t notice because I was busy actually trying to solve this issue. 
 
 “ It won ’ t be so bad, I trust you to fix it, ” I told him slapping an arm on his shoulder and ignoring the soft crack I felt under it. I felt a little bad for him until I remembered that he was kind of a dick, so I squeezed a little harder until I heard another two small cracks. Eh, it ’ ll be fixed soon anyways. 
 
 “ I don ’ t know if you remember but when you took me here you spent a lot of time mocking me. You said nothing I did mattered and I ’ d never be able to change anything because nobody cared what I had to say- ” 
 
 Of course they didn ’ t care, they were all insane. 
 
 “ Oh, don ’ t worry about that, I say that to everyone. It ’ s the standard greeting, ” 
 
 It isn ’ t. 
 
 “ In fact, I feel like we ’ ve gotten really close in a such a short time. ” 
 
 I waited for him to acknowledge what I said before continuing, maybe through a goofy smile or a fit of happy giggling that he- or rolling his eyes, that works too. 
 
 “ Honestly Bill, you ’ re like a son to me, ” specifically the one I killed and then never saw again, I wonder how he ’ s doing. 
 
 Bill tensed under my grip, and I grinned at his fear. Yes, no matter how much he disliked me he ’ d never actually turn against me, “ that ’ s why I ’ m doing this, ” I said spinning him to face me and tapping him on the chest. He grunted as his shirt flew open and a couple lines of writing next to my circular sigil appeared as deep red scars on his chest. 
 
 “ Congratulations son, you ’ re now the Lieutenant of hell, ” I said, clapping while he looked at me with a shocked expression. “ You can do anything I can do, but so long as I ’ m still here you can ’ t act against me wishes, understand? ” Of course it went unsaid that I ’ d always be here. 
 
 My grin widened as I saw him start to nod then with a bang and the strangest twisting feeling I fell to my back in a daze. 
 
 “ What the fuck!? ” I yelled getting to my feet and setting myself on fire. 
 
 “ Oh enough of the theatrics, ” came a woman ’ s voice from behind me. I was annoyed to see my fire disappear without me wishing it to. I turned to see an old lady, probably about thirty years or so, looking at me from a simple wooden chair. 
 
 “ Please sit, ” she said, my knees bent and my body sat cross-legged in the floor without any input by me. This was somewhat alarming. 
 
 “ Okay listen here you fuck- ” I started, trying the diplomatic approach before being rudely interrupted. It must run in the family. The human family that is. 
 
 “ No need for words, I can do the talking, ” came the lady ’ s sweet voice. What a dick, maybe that runs in the family too. She stayed quiet for a few moments and I waited patiently for a bit. I got bored and decided it would be more productive to look around frantically, I wanted to see if I could learn anything important about her, something I could use to fuck with her head. It shouldn ’ t be too hard to scare her, at the end of the day she was only human. 
 
 The first thing I noticed was the summoning circle I was sitting in. 
 
 The second thing I noticed was the larger binding circle I was sitting in. 
 
 I didn ’ t notice any more things, I was terrified. I obviously knew about these rituals, hell I used to prank my friends with them all the time. Heh, some of them are probably still in them, I should visit. 
 
 Anyways I promptly banned them and had everyone in my realm forget about their existence, I had never been trapped by one and I wasn ’ t going to give anybody the chance to make a fool of me. I had vowed to learn all I could about summoning and binding circles and become a true master of the ritual arts, it was the only way I could ever be truly safe. That was two thousand years ago. As I took another look at the circles around me I confirmed that, yep, I still didn ’ t know anything about them. 
 
 “ Tea? ” asked the lady when she saw me stop looking around. 
 
 I glared at her and my eyes bored in on her. This was it, as soon as she stepped in to give me the tea I would kill her and finally be free of this everlasting torture. This fool, who did she think she was to try and capture me. I ’ d show her, let's see how smug the bitch would be after infinite lifetimes of torment in the lower- 
 
 She put the teacup and saucer on the ground and slid it to me with her foot. 
 
 There goes plan A. 
 
 “ I bet you ’ re wondering why you ’ re here today, ” she said calmly, clearly she was trying to get me mad. 
 
 I made the sound of fourteen fire alarms at once. 
 
 “ No annoying noises, ” she said. 
 
 The alarms continued. 
 
 “ No noises, ” she said rolling her eyes at me. 
 
 The alarms stopped. 
 
 “ As I was saying, I bet you ’ re wondering why you ’ re here with me today, ” 
 
 I was actually wondering about murder. Her murder to be precise. Idiot. 
 
 “ You ’ ve taken something special from me, I think you know what I ’ m talking about, ” she said giving me a knowing look. 
 
 I had no clue what she was talking about, so I nodded solemnly. 
 
 She nodded back, satisfied with my answer. Heh, dumb bitch fell for it. 
 
 “ I ’ ll skip the explanation then. ” 
 
 Fuck. 
 
 “ You robbed me of a normal life, I came down here to relax, to de-stress, just for one human lifetime. Eighty years was all I wanted. Thirty years in you come into my house and kill my husband. You remember, yes? ” 
 
 Well, that does sounds like me, but it is something I do a lot so I really can ’ t be blamed for not remembered exactly who she was. She was waiting for me to respond but at this point my only form of communication was body language. I lifted one side of my mouth into a grimace while the other side stayed closed, my nostrils flared and I gave myself one lazy eye while rolling the other one into the back of my head. I tried to set myself on fire before I remembered I couldn ’ t. I sighed, this would have to do. 
 
 I held my face that way, oh yeah I definitely looked so confused. The trick to mastering facial expressions was not to overact. 
 
 She was able to read my facial expression perfectly because honestly, why wouldn ’ t she, it was perfect. With this understanding she started to elaborate. 
 
 “ You were here like three days ago, you killed my partner. ” 
 
 I gave her my confused face again. ” 
 
 “ You stomped on the coffee table and stole the piano. ” 
 
 That actually happens fairly often. 
 
 “ The dog scared you so you killed it. ” 
 
 Still nothing. 
 
 “ You were on fire. ” 
 
 Yeah that one *really* doesn ’ t narrow it down. 
 
 “ His name was Bill… ” 
 
 Why do I care what the dog ’ s name- fuck. 
 
 Fuck. 
 
 Shit. 
 
 Fuck. 
 
 Bill. Thrice-damned douchedick Bill. Recently branded Lieutenant of hell, Bill. And I was here. 
 
 “ I see you recognize the name, ” said the old lady. “ You know, all I wanted was some company for a short time, but you decided to come along and ruin it ” she said as her skin flashed bright white and changed to a form more familiar to me. 
 
 “ I guess you ’ ll have to be the company now, ” said Yahweh. “ Drink the tea. ” 
 
 I picked up the cup and threw it down my throat, determined not to enjoy it. My throat began to bleed and I let out a silent scream as I remembered Yahweh ’ s poison fetish. It was a sore point between us ever since she created a poison and immediately made everybody in the realms except me immune to it. 
 
 Holy water my dick. 
 
 “ If you insist, ” she said showing off her sadist grin. 
 
 Right, the mind reading thing we both had. Probably shouldn ’ t have forgotten about that. 
 
 She took out a bottle and started to spray my crotch, laughing over my screaming. 
 
 “ Oh yeah, I ’ m so glad you decided to stop by. ”
