[ WP ] : Children are named by the traits they are fated to have - Brave , Serene , Deeply Caring , Unmoved - and of course your lovely daughter , Bites People .

Short and sweet and also at work. Shhhh. 
 
 My wife and I did n't have a lot of money when we found out she was pregnant. Although we would tell people it was a'happy accident', like most accidents, it was still terrifying. We had just enough money to pay the Unauthorized Reproduction fine and open our `` Offspring Care Guaranteal Fund'' escrow account. We were able to make the minimum deposit but we sure did have to eat a lot of Soylent. ( I still ca n't believe that crap took off- the neohipsters must have shit themselves with joy ). 
 
 So when we had to submit samples for a Genetic Aptitude Test, of course we did some shopping around. And people look down on the free GATs available but what else were we supposed to do? No one really believed in them. They were just a circle jerk for people who could afford the expensive tests and raise their little `` Corporate Head Huntress'' while tricking the poorer people into thinking that `` People's Minister'' was actually going to make a difference. 
 
 We had the feeling our GAT was a scam when we got the results. We tossed them. I mean you do n't have to register your kid before birth. You can always take the chance that they will prove themselves in school and earn something better. Of course the fucking system is tipped against them if you do that, but was she really going there with the title the scientists picked? Anything would be better. 
 
 Other than squeaking by financially the pregnancy was pretty easy. I mean, do n't you fucking dare tell my wife that, but the pills she took scheduled her morning sickness for the same day and time every week. And the Sympathy Pains the doctor prescribed to me really did n't affect me that much. I... might have gotten sick and threw up the pill I took fifteen minutes before she went into labor.'Happy accident'. 
 
 Standard three hours of labor, standard ten women to a room. Line of doctors. Mayor in the corner. This fucking guy. Most politicians hate cord cutting ceremonies. Not this guy. He fucking LOVED it. It's what got him re-elected. `` Mayor Baby Kissinger loves our youth! He's there for all our cities children's milestones!'' Blah blah blah. Special gold plated inaugural hemostats and everything. Creeps me out. You'd think- 
 
 Yeah, I was getting to it, ok? We ca n't find the original GAT cert, but it does n't really matter. I do n't think the Ten Years Of Age Renaming is going to prove that little piece of paper wrong. Call us negligent, but there is just no point in paying the TYOAR fee. 
 
 My family has never been great at schmoozing. That pompous ass Mayor was PISSED that lil' P.B. took care of her own cord. She was supposed to be his hundredth. And he sure as hell was n't happy when he tried to turn it into a photo op and give her a big ol kiss. Those hemostats of his did fuckall for where his lips used to be. Guess they were just ornamental. 
 
 Yeah yeah, I know how to fill out the Offspring Liability Acceptance forms. I still say this is bullshit profiling. Do you think Pussy Grabber IV had do this when he had Pussy Grabber V? Fucking bullshit. 
 

