[ WP ] In an alternate universe , gunpowder was never invented . What does warfare look like ?

Petty Officer Beachman was a hard man, is what all the cadets in Death Camp Foxtrot would say. What they meant, of course, was that Petty Officer Beachman had a rare condition, one he took great pains to conceal, that caused him to be constantly erect. He flipped his member into his waistband and untucked his shirt before stepping out of his tent. Gone were the days when he could hide his life long embarrassment behind a chain-chuck held low, or, recalling even more distant memories, a cheap public school tablet. The recent trend back towards tight clothes did n't help matters either. And while we're on the subject, Cadet Knowles had once again ordered a uniform one size too large. 
 
 `` Ca*det! *'' PO Beachman screeched, the nonspecific nature of his screech causing the newer recruits to jump into even stricter formation. Their chain-chucks flopped flaccidly at their shoulders, and PO Beachman heaved a small sigh in the back of his mind. The soldiers who had been here for almost the full year of their training ignored it, because they knew exactly who was being screeched at. 
 
 `` SIR, ME, SIR?'' Screamed Cadet Knowles. 
 
 `` YES YOU, YOU SON OF A RETARDED TEST TUBE BABY'' howled Beachman, even louder than before to assert dominance. 
 
 `` SIR, what seems to be the trouble, SIR?'' 
 
 `` When the *FUCK* did I say anything about a problem you miserable sack of SHIT?'' 
 
 `` SIR I assumed you were insulting me for a reason SIR'' 
 
 `` DO I NEED A REASON TO INSULT YOU, CADET?'' 
 
 `` Sir, no, sir'' 
 
 `` FUCK YOU, CADET KNOWLES. YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT WHY YOUR UNIFORM IS LOOSE AGAIN?'' 
 
 The young Knowles perked up, secretly. The plan was coming together. 
 
 `` SIR, I do n't know, must have been some kind of mixup SIR.'' 
 
 `` Does your army *make mistakes*, CADET *KNOWLES? *'' 
 
 `` SIR, no, sir.'' 
 
 The Petty Officer was really very upset. There was a rumor going around the Death Camp that he was never promoted beyond Petty Officer because Colonel Hurt wanted to teach him a lesson about being petty. But Beachman was far too focused on his boner for the lesson to do much good. This was the reason he did n't get put on field duty, left instead to care for the new recruits. 
 
 Cadet Knowles trembled a bit with the humor of his next jibe in mind, waiting for the delicious smell of an angry voice's breath on his uniquely small nose. 
 
 `` Sir, I have a question, sir'' was quieter than the exchange had been because he was half hoping the Petty Officer would miss it, but loud enough for it to still look like he made the effort. Petty Officer Beachman did n't miss it. He snapped his head around and his neck cracked audibly, and he marched right up to arm's reach like an enraged soccer or bear mother. 
 
 `` Ca*det*!'' He screeched even louder than before. There was a sound of giggling almost beginning. `` The *fuck* do YOU WANT?'' His spit blew in the air and laughter was just barely not there yet. 
 
 `` Sir'' he asked in a calm, but loud voice, `` why do you get to untuck your shirt and we do n't? It looks comfortable and --'' `` AND YOU WANT TO BE ABLE TO CRITICIZE MY MOTHERFUCKING UNIFORM, KNOWLES? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? TO BE INSUBORDINATE TO YOUR SUPERIOR OFFICER?'' 
 
 `` SIR, NO SIR, I JUST WANTED TO KNOW IF THERE WAS A REASON YOUR SHIRT WAS UNTUCKED, SIR?'' Cadet Knowles quickly and respectfully matched Beachman's volume. 
 
 `` Well, I've got news for you, kid. Kids. You want to know *why* my shirt is untucked? You wan na'know the big secret', do you, you *FUCKERS*?'' The last word made even Cadet Knowles jump. `` Well?'' The cadets looked and listened attentively. 
 
 `` Well fuck you, that's why. Do n't *QUES*tion your superior OFFICER. I wear *what I want*. Because I'm your superior OFFICER.''
