[ WP ] Appliances are like pets and need to be trained .

I got a new toaster. He's really cute, white and has a heart sticker on his butt. And when I put up pictures on my social networking site, I got a surprising number of thumbs ups. It was good for about three weeks but it's been six and we're still having teething issues. 
 
 I put the bread in. `` Down,'' I command. *Pop! * Bread, not toast. 
 
 `` No,'' I say to him, every morning, `` Down!'' And he holds it for about ten seconds before spitting it back out. *Pop! * 
 
 I ram the bread into the silly thing's mouth and look in. Yup, he's toasting, just not holding it in for long enough. The bread pops up again. 
 
 `` No! Bad Mr. Toaster!'' 
 
 Have you ever trained an appliance? You need a lot of tough love. The more complex the machine, the more fun it can be, because it actually starts understanding your various commands, then graduate onto harder tasks. I trained my pepper grinder over a week to cut things, and now he's a fully fledged blender. My calculator took three days to learn math. My computer and I clicked straight away. It's good to feel like something in the house understands you. 
 
 I'm still not sure what should be done about Mr Toaster. He refuses to keep the bread in his mouth. 
 
 `` Down! Keep the bread in! Stay!'' I am practically stamping my foot in frustration. I ram two slices into the slots and put my hand there. `` Ouch!'' 
 
 The bugger's burnt me! 
 
 Here's the other thing about training appliances, which can be hard if they just do n't listen to you. They can misbehave, if they think you're full of it. My calculator once gave me the wrong budget for my grocery list for two weeks when I spilt coffee on her by mistake. She fudged some figures and I found out I'd overspent about $ 130 that week. 
 
 I examine the blister on my finger and officially decide that Mr. Toaster hates me. 
 
 I give up and go over to my desk to hammer out my dismay into my social media account. 
 
 `` On, please,'' I tell my computer. `` Open Facefile.'' My PC obliges. 
 
 *Damn Toaster still wo n't learn!!!! * I type. `` Send, please. Thanks, Computer.'' 
 
 The post goes up. 
 
 Several people like this immediately. 
 
 Nobody has returned my calls since the ex and I split. Our friends were not divided in my favour about what happened. For about three months I just moped in my own house giving the same commands to the machines, and staring broodingly at a monitor. But I got lonely, so I got Mr. Toaster. 
 
 I was sad about it at first but you know what? At least I'm not being entirely ignored. I mean, people read my posts. I have machines that mostly work, and care for me by serving their function. My blender, my oven, my heater, my calculator. And I still get a good number of thumbs ups. Look, twelve. 
 
 My computer shows me that people still like some of the things I say. I have friends. 
 
 Right? 

