[ WP ] The Swap N ' Buy will trade or purchase your current skills for credits . Being an average person with no impressive or unique skills , you do n't have many credits . Searching the discount bin , you find a skill that has no business being there ...

Have you ever filled out a job application? Well, if you have you will have a seen the line at the bottom below all of your listed experience. You know, the one that says other special skills? You know what you can ’ t write on that line? Average. As. Fuck. When your parents name you Guy you know right then, as an infant with no superior cognitive behavior, that there is nothing and will never be anything particularly special about you. And this is where you meet me. As I fill out an application for a cashier at the local Skill ’ N ’ Swap. SNS will you buy and or trade your skills for credits for everyday amenities such as food and water. Oh, did I say amenities? I meant necessities. Of course the people with skills to spare are out buying lap dances and not habit forming synthetic drugs and I ’ m over here just trying to find some way to sell my skills to a corporation that buys them for a living. I scrawled ‘ Forget it ’ under other special skills and fed the application into the ScanBot so it could go ahead and file it in the Hell No file. 
 
 I put my hands in my pocket and trudged towards the exit as my eyes caught something that on any other day I would have passed with a pretentious smirk, but today I was feeling especially discount skillsy so I changed my route. Discount skills were never anything of merit. They were always things like: Stellar Mouth Fart Noises, Erotic Massage, Calligraphy/Hieroglyphics, Artisan Sandwich Artist, you know useless shit like that. And why wouldn ’ t it be? Who was gon na throw away... my eyes fell across the Holy Grail of finds. The plastic cartridge read SIPHON and I felt my backside tighten as though I were about to fight off a horde of ninjas or rabid baboons. I quickly flipped it over an across the back was the shameful neon badge of dishonor that read 1 credit. 1 stinking credit?! Unbelievable, for SIPHON? I scurried over to the nearest scanner, passed the cartridge over the bar, and rammed one golden credit into the slot. I did my best to remain calm as I bolted from the store laughing hysterically. Nailed it! 
 
 The minute my ass hit my computer chair I was already wrenching on my visor and blindly fumbling with the cartridge to find the slot in the top of the visor. One usually inserts the cartridge first, but my brain was in overdrive and all rational thought was a commodity I didn ’ t have time for. I found the slot and the blackness before my eyes turned a pulsating green. The words SIPHON appeared in front of my as the program downloaded onto my retinas before being stored in my brain. A soothing female voice said, “ Download complete. Enjoy your new skill! ” I tore of the visor and dashed back out the door to use my new skill. I had only ever heard whispers and rumors of the SIPHON skill. Most skills were natural human abilities, but a select few fluttered into the realm of supernatural and this was one of them! With SIPHON all I had to do was touch another person to inherit their skills and bada bing bada boom I ’ m a goddamn billionaire! I could sell their skills or just use them to get all the advantages I ’ d never been afforded. What dumbo sold this for 1 credit?! I bet he got fired. 
 
 I saw a group of well to do men walking down the street about a block away. They were all dressed in various dark shades of jackets and slack and I figured they would be some good first targets. I ran up behind them and lined myself up. There were two on the left and three on the right, but a clearly divided line down the middle. There bare hands were swinging, almost in unison, with expensive watches bobbing up and down and I wondered if it had to be skin on skin contact for it to work. There was no harm in shooting for it. If it worked through clothes it would work through skin so i lowered my center of gravity and in an abundance of awkward grace I lunged forward and touched all but two of their hands. I broke through the other side, keeping my speed, and only turning back to glance at them briefly. Most of them were examining their wrists to make sure I had not just freed them from their cumbersome treasures. 
 
 A strong jolt shot through my limbs as my brain started to react to it ’ s new found skills. Numbers and marketing strategies and 401k ’ s rammed themselves around the walls of my grey matter as I bloomed into a full on stock broker. Or multi media marketing guru or whatever and my spirit surged. I felt stronger than I ever had and I couldn ’ t wait to see what all the new me could do. I turned on my heels to apologize to the gentlemen I had just robbed; not of their fancy timepieces, of course. I though apologizing would lighten the immense guilt I felt for ruining their lives, but to my astonishment the men I had touched were lying prostrate on the ground as their friends frantically pleaded with them to get up. I spun back around hastening my walk and pretending I had never seen them before. In my haste I actually bumped up against a mother pushing a stroller and grazed her sleeveless upper arm. My synapses fired like a hotrod as I began envisioning needlepoint and child care. I stopped this time and turned just in time to catch her as she fell. My hands gripped the back of her biceps as she tried to meet the sidewalk and I could FEEL her growing weaker as I grew stronger. The color in her face drained in tune with her life force and I let her go gently on the concrete. Her baby began to wail and I wanted to comfort it, but my touch had become lethal. 
 
 I ran back to the SNS. I had to return this awful skill. Maybe if I returned it all the skills I had stolen would return to their rightful homes. I burst through the sliding doors and ran to the nearest Customer Service desk, “ Please, you got ta help me. I bought a skill from the discount bin earlier and… ” The CS representative pointed an ominous finger towards the discount bin and the sign that said ABSOLUTELY NO REFUNDS. My stomach dropped out, “ But you don ’ t understand. I found a SIPHON skill in there! ” 
 
 “ You got that?! ” The rep laughed. “ You poor bastard. Don ’ t you know that ’ s more of a curse than a skill? ” 
 
 “ I do now! ” I panted. “ Please you got ta help me! ” 
 
 “ Sorry. Rules is rules. We aren ’ t even supposed to buy that skill. Had to fire the guy who traded it in. ” 
 
 I laughed. Looks like that idiot did get canned. I turned my back to him and walked slumped shouldered from the SNS. My life was ruined. I should ’ ve just been content being average. I stepped into the street and felt in an intense pressure on my left side and then I was flying. I skipped like a stone across the asphalt and I prayed for death. I felt the cold touch and the concerned voice of a good Samaritan coming over to make sure I wasn ’ t dead. As her finger grazed my cheek my bones creaked as they reset themselves and my cuts began to close. My body began to prop itself up as hers began to crumple before me. An electric volt shot through my mind and I smiled. Turns out living is a skill and now I ’ ve got it in spades. Lucky me. 

