[ WP ] War breaks out between the legions of hell and heaven , humanity joins and surprisingly is winning against both

Reverend Carl Wallace sat on the veranda, sipping his beer and listening to the representative from Hell make its case. 
 
 “ Your church, ” the demon said, “ has 20,000 followers. A mega church. That puts you in a unique position. A few declarations from you, and we could cut ourselves an excellent deal. Every prayer and offering counts. ” 
 
 He let the demon continue without interruption. Satan ’ s diplomats never seemed to fully understand the nuances of human behavior. Wallace ’ s followers had joined the prayer embargo, depriving both Heaven and Hell of their supernatural powers, but that didn ’ t mean they were going to switch from Evangelists to Occultists at his command. When the shadowed figure finished, he spoke. 
 
 “ How ’ s the war going, by the way? ” he said. 
 
 The demon growled. 
 
 “ Not well from what I hear,'' Wallace said. `` I heard the Chinese just smashed a whole battalion of Hell ’ s baddest and ugliest. Hard to fight when you can ’ t make the sky rain fire, isn ’ t it? Let me ask you something. Have you had much success with this kind of thing? This pitch you just gave me? ” 
 
 “ They warned me not to even try with you, ” the demons aid. “ I see why. ” 
 
 Wallace smiled and drained the last of his beer. He enjoyed negotiating with creatures like the one beside him. He had all the power in this relationship. 
 
 “ No, seriously, ” Wallace said. “ Did George Johnston from Christ Revival listen? That guy ’ s a dumbbell. If you couldn ’ t convince him, what made you think you could convince anyone? You guys couldn ’ t even get the actual occult to sacrifice a single goddamned goat to you. ” 
 
 “ What do you want? ” the demon said. `` We have tried to work out a situation with you, yet you rebuke every effort.'' 
 
 “ We ’ ve made it very clear from the beginning. We want basic parliamentary rights with God and Satan. Negotiation of soul storage, more rights for the vanquished, some influence on supernatural choices. Is it that unacceptable? We thought it was quite a reasonable deal after the embarrassing outbreak of your little war. Even your most devout followers are fed up with you. You ’ ve lost. Satan and God both. How many more angels and demons have to get slaughtered? Our tanks run on gasoline. Yours run on prayer, and you ’ re not getting so much as a pentagram in a high-school bathroom. ” 
 
 The demon stood, materializing into solid form for a moment. “ I apologize for wasting your time, ” he said. It took a step down the stairs, stopped, and turned. “ Oh, I ’ m sorry to hear about Jessica by the way. You were married for twenty-five years, I understand. It ’ s a shame that it had to happen in the midst of this terrible war, at the height of the prayer embargo. She was tragically denied an afterlife. Even hell would have been preferable that such a horrible fate. A large price to pay for your obstinacy. ” He turned and continued on his way. 
 
 Wallace sat, clenching the arm-rests of his chair with his big, powerful hands. He bit his cheeks until they bled, watching the demon go. In previous ages, the creature would have turned itself into a bat or a winged dinosaur and flown away, but its current lack of power restricted it to human forms of transportation. 
 
 Wallace stood up, entered his house, and retrieved the Remington 870 from the hall closet. He walked fast to catch up the demon, who was making its way up the long, snaking, gravel driveway. The demon either did not hear his foosteps or did not care that he was approaching. When he was only a few paces away, Wallace aimed low and unloaded his first shot. 
 
 The man-shaped creature dropped instantly, one ankle exploding. He was well aware that he could not truly kill a demon. However, he could virtually destroy one. It would take thousands of centuries for them to reform and heal, and thousands of centuries still to regain their full power. 
 
 The demon screeched – a sound that chilled him and a sent a trail of goosebumps down his spine. He chambered another round and blew away the demon ’ s other ankle. 
 
 “ Crawl back to your master, ” Wallace said. The demon writhed, continuing its plaintive howls. Wallace returned to his chair on the veranda and opened another beer. 

