[ WP ] Write your heart onto your sleeve , Reddit .

Throwaway cuz I do n't know if anyone I know will see this and I do n't wan na risk it. 
 Also on mobile so forgive my errors. 
 
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 I've never really *like liked* anyone. 
 
 All through my years, I have never had a crush. I've met people, but none I would develop romantic bonds with. I was bullied when I was younger, you see, and it went in for years until I left my old school in search of a new beginning. But let's not start there. 
 
 When I was younger, I had difficulties fitting in, and it was a rough school. I was ditched and buried relentlessly. When we were younger, it was cool to `` date''. I guess my first technical boyfriend was in 2nd grade, for about a day. It was a boy who just got bored and asked me to be his girlfriend. I said I would, but only if he would marry me when we were older. I thought no one else would ever ask me out again. Of course, being seven, it did n't last. 
 
 Bullies persisted, and would torment me many ways. Mockingly asking me out, name calling, violence, the works. I did n't have any real friends. I trusted no one. 
 
 I got tired and switched to a nearby catholic school. It was a completely different crowd, and was better than my old school. I did n't really feel the scars from the other kids for some time. I remember a few moths after starting, a boy had asked me out. After a minor dilemma and not answering until recess ( long time in kid world ), I accepted reluctantly. Moments later, he changed his mind, and we were no more. We were and still are friends, but damn, know why you ask. 
 
 I got better and began making friends. But j still trusted no one. I could n't let myself get hurt again. I came for a new start, but I had n't been able to reset myself. Maybe my warranty was voided. It hardly mattered. My lack of trust protected me from being hurt too bad my a manipulative one. She had problems. No one speaks with her nowadays. But even so, she hurt me a lot. I stopped outwardly talking with anyone, and taught myself to be content with loneliness. And so, for years, I stopped talking with people unless it was required. 
 
 This went until high school. Halfway through my first year, I met an outward, energetic girl. To this date she is my very best friend. We grew closer, and I learned to be more sociable. I had become lonely in my isolation. But, I slowly began to trust again. She saved my life, one time. I tried to end it. Without her ever knowing, she saved it just by calling me out of the blue. I'll never forget that. And she will probably never know the extent of her impact. 
 
 So, with my best friend, I made more friends, and began to trust people. Now that there were more people around, there were ways of sorting those kind and trustworthy from the boring, the horrid, and the ugly ( internally of course! ) And so, I began to recover, and understand that I had suffered. 
 
 But not once did I `` like'' anyone. 
 
 Time has gone on, and things got better for me. I had support, love, and happiness. But I started feeling lonely. Lonely for something I've never felt for in a relationship: love, the couple kind. But there was no one I had particular fondness for, and I'm doubtful of anyone having fondness for me. 
 
 Now, over the years after I left the bully days, I have been asked out. I've always said no, as I just kept thinking they were joking, as some cruel prank to alleviate their boredom. Now, I know some were n't. I know some were legitimate, as some people were taken aback when I reacted very coldly and upset. 
 
 Not once did I feel particularly fond for anyone. I rarely love deeply. 
 
 No boy, no girl, none. But then I met you. And you met me. We talked. We laughed. I'm poor at conversation, but I'm getting better around you. I admire you greatly. You, you broke this long time of solitude. I did not expect this at all. I did n't realize it for a long while. 
 
 I had developed deep feelings for you. 
 
 But, I'm still hurt- I feel unworthy. I need to be a better person, and I need to become more socially adept. But besides all this, I would love to risk it all and act on how I feel. But I wo n't. How could I? You, my first crush, who I care for, the ONE person I like, the one I should n't. 
 
 You're the long time boyfriend of a friend of mine. 
 
 I ca n't do that to her. I ca n't do that to you. I ca n't do that to myself. I ca n't do that to anyone. But it's ok. I wo n't tell, I wo n't act. I'll let it be my own, and hope I find someone else. I'm just happy to be your friend, and you make me, her, everyone so damned happy. So, thank you. 
 
 I'm okay, and I know it will be okay.
