[ WP ] On the eve of Earth 's annihilation by aliens , you learn that the planet 's most intelligent being is the potted plant in your living room .

I hated Steve. 
 
 The Ch'grah sent a broadcast down to Earth on Friday. It was now Tuesday, and they were going to blow us up on Wednesday. Why Wednesday? Because everyone wanted to see the Superbowl, and the oh-so-amazing alien scumbags knew that we could n't see the Dolphins play the 49'ers if the Earth was destroyed. I really hate the Ch'grah. 
 
 Anyway, Steve. Steve is a potato. I grew Steve originally for the use of making a potato-based vodka, but as it turns out, I'd feel really bad about killing Steve to make an alcoholic drink, what with him being sentient and all. So there he stayed, in his pot in my room. He was really, really intelligent. And by that I mean that he could do my Calculus homework better than me. And he was a potato. 
 
 So Steve and I sat around the house all those few days. Nobody went to work, or school, or anywhere for that matter. We all were silently dreading our total and utter destruction at the hands of some alien race. Steve, however, was being a total jerk about the whole thing. 
 
 `` The human race needs to be annihilated,'' he said with his potato mouth. `` All you guys ever do is mess things up anyhow. You ca n't even solve how to defend yourselves against and attack on your own planet. Bunch of idiots. I do n't even like you. Why am I not a professor or something?'' 
 
 `` Well, Steve, do you have any ideas then?'' I asked, knowing that he probably did. He did n't at the moment, and sat there pondering it for the next hour. I got bored and told him I'd be back. I went to the bar and drank a bit before returning home. The next couple hours were a blur. 
 
 I woke up on the couch later that Tuesday with a note taped to my chest. 
 
 `` Hey, idiot, I figured out how to keep you alive. The secret is to go ~~~~~ -- -- -- --.'' 
 
 *Steve, you never finished... * I thought to myself. I went over to the pot in my room. Inside was a potato. I picked it up. It was not Steve. I looked back at the note and flipped it over. 
 
 `` By the way, you're drunk.'' 
 
 I stared at the note for a couple seconds. *Well, I guess there's no point in giving it up now. * 
 
 I then made some vodka out of the potato formerly known as Steve and watched the beam come down out of the sky. At least the Dolphins never got a chance to win the Superbowl.
