[ WP ] `` Welcome to Hell Sir , I hope you will find your eternal stay warm and welcoming.. ''

`` Welcome to hell sir, we hope you find your eternal stay here warm and welcoming'' the dark haired young woman said. I looked around. What I expected to see was my living room. What I saw instead was a well appointed lobby. Classily decorated with marble tile floor and a hardwood desk so dark that could only have been made of ebony. `` Wait, what? Where the hell am I? How did I get here?'' 
 
 `` Ah.'' The girl at the desk started, `` yes, there is often some confusion'' she adjusted the fit of her waistcoat, the black silk hugging her frame tightly. `` I'm afraid to have to inform sir that he has, in fact, shuffled off the mortal coil so to speak'' 
 
 `` You mean I'm dead?!'' I choked out `` and... In hell? How?'' Shock numbed me, my head swirled. 
 
 `` Is sir alright? Would you like a chair?'' The woman at the desk stood and snapped her fingers. Sparks flew and behind me a chintzy armchair expanded into existence. I flopped down gratefully. Still in a state of shock I mumbled `` how.... Why...'' Not even registering conjuration of a cushioned armchair as odd yet 
 
 Re-seating herself she shuffled for a second, smoothed her skirt and continued, `` Anyway, to answer sirs questions, yes you are regrettably dead and yes you are not so regrettably in Hell'' 
 
 `` What about the how?'' I asked, a distinct trace of trepidation creeping into my voice 
 
 Cool as you like the reply came back `` which'how' is sir referring to? The circumstances of his exit from the mortal realm or the circumstances of his admission to Hell?'' 
 
 `` Both I guess.'' I replied, a kind of dreadful curiosity overtaking me 
 
 `` well, as for the former, sir will remember hearing noises during the night in his lounge yes?'' 
 
 `` Yes...'' My stomach looped as the cogs of memory began to turn. 
 
 `` Well, unfortunately for sir be disturbed a pair of rather unsavoury characters, one of whom...'' 
 
 `` Hit me in the back of the head with something heavy'' I finished. Feeling sick at the memory of sudden impact, blinding pain and then nothing. 
 
 `` Very good sir!'' She cooed, eyes twinkling. Those eyes... Something off about them... `` very quick on the uptake. Not many arrive here that sharp. As for the latter, let's consult your resume shall we?'' She stood up again and walked over to a bank of filing cabinets, heels clicking on the stone tiled floor. Bending over in a slightly provocative manner she opened a draw and drew out a bulging manilla folder. Giving me the barest twitch of a grin as of to acknowledge that she knew I'd been staring and did n't particularly mind she sat down again and flipped the folder open `` now, let's see...'' She muttered as she leafed through pages of foolscap, `` birth, normal, no omens, childhood, normal, no voices or paranormal phenomena... ah!'' She smiled to herself. `` Here we are... The sins section. Let's see now, no murders, rapes thefts or temple desecrations'' is that the merest note of disappointment in her voice there? `` Though if I'm honest we do n't see that one so much these days. Shame really. The desecrators are always the most fun'' you cough gently and she gives her head a little shake, her raven ponytail dancing for a second. `` Sorry'' she grins guiltily `` let's see what else we have here... 274 instances of fornication, that's well under the threshold, 22570 instances of blasphemy, but we have n't bothered with that for years- be completely overcrowded if we did'' she rattles off your list of minor sins and moral infractions with an occasional comment on one. I listened with a kind of grim fascination until she finishes and sighs to herself. 
 
 `` What's wrong?'' I asked 
 `` Well its just that I ca n't actually find a reason for your admission to our establishment. You've never committed any serious wrongdoing against your fellow man and lived your life about as well as anyone does these days'' she looks crestfallen. Pouting a little she asks `` are you sure we have n't missed anything? Never forced a girlfriend to a back street abortionist?'accidentally' bump a man onto some train tracks?'' 
 
 `` No!'' I exclaim 
 
 `` Pity.'' She almost purrs, then sighs again and grumbles `` the paperwork for this is going to be just... Wait!'' She looks up suddenly, “ just to check the obvious, do you believe in God? ” 
 
 
 “ No ” 
 
 
 “ That'll be why then ” She grins a satisfied grin “ Something of a tactical error there. ” She relaxes a bit now, the professional air she ’ s been cultivating dropping like a cloak. You must be ‘ one of the lads ’ now. “ Well, in cases like yours the Boss does n't really like giving you the old red hot poker treatment, does n't think it's fair see. He says that as a supreme being God should be big enough to move past not being worshipped by mortals but unfortunately he's so needy that he ’ s still damning perfectly good souls to our little corner of the afterlife. ” The sudden familiarity takes me aback a little but the surreality of it all makes me smile and make agreeing noises and I'm rewarded by a toothy grin in return “ I just know you're gon na fit in down here ” she says, Her eyes shining with delight. Now you spot it. The pupils. Slitted like a cats. “ So... What now? ” I ask. 
 
 “ Well, I'll take you down to the inductions suite and we ’ ll see about finding you some lodgings. After that your time ’ s your own. ” 
 
 We stood up together and my demonic chaperone guided me out of the polished loby and outside into a cavernous abyss. As we walked down the path I was given a kind of amateur guided tour. pits of eternal torment for the genuinely evil to the right. Cerberus ’ kennel on the left. Lake of fire a ten minute walk in that direction and the pope enclosure which is half an hour away by dragon. “ hang on, Pope enclosure!? ” 
 
 “ Let's just say pope innocent the 2nd was badly misnamed ” my escort grinned. Before long we were outside a low, squat building that resembled a town hall. “ Well, this is where I leave you ” my companion started, Have fun and maybe I ’ ll see you around some time ” 
 
 “ Err thanks for the tour ” I said. “ Hopefully I will yeah ” 
 
 As she turned to go another thought struck me, I called back “ hey, is there anywhere I can get a bite to eat around here? ” 
 
 
 “ Sure! ” She cried back, “ try hells kitchen! ” 
 
 
 “ Hang on, you do n't mean Gordon Ramsay is a… ” 
 
 “ Well duh, of course he is. How else do you explain that temper? ” 
 
 She turned and walked back up the path. Something told me I was going to like it here.
