[ WP ] Russia surrenders unconditionally to the US . You are the President , and you have no idea what just happened .

“ Um…excuse me? ” 
 
 “ Phone call for you Mr. President, it ’ s President Putin. ” 
 
 “ Why is he calling your cell phone? ” 
 
 “ Said he lost your number. ” That didn ’ t really explain why Putin had my top aide ’ s phone number, but curious I reached out and she handed me the phone. 
 
 “ Hello? ” 
 
 “ Hello, Bob. It ’ s Vlad. ” 
 
 I ’ d never called him Vlad, or even Vladimir. His name, according to my Secretary of State briefing, was President Putin, always the title and last name. Apparently he lent a lot of weight to his title. 
 
 “ Hello President Putin, how can I help you? ” 
 
 “ Yeah, call me Vlad. ” I glanced over at my State department liaison and mouthed the word *Vlad? * He shrugged. What the hell was I paying these guys for. 
 
 “ You still there Bob? ” 
 
 “ Yeah, I ’ m here…Vlad. What ’ s going on? ” 
 
 “ So, it ’ s been a long day and I decided that I ’ m sick of all the shit ” 
 
 “ Sorry to hear that, how can I help? ” 
 
 “ I want to surrender all of Russia to you, except for Crimea, I ’ m keeping Crimea. ” 
 
 “ Did you just say you want to surrender? As far as I know we ’ re not at war. ” 
 
 “ Oh, my bad ” His voice was slightly slurred, like he ’ d had a bit too much Vodka. I could hear him breathing on the other line. “ Want to buy roughly six million square miles of prime land right next to Europe and China? ” 
 
 “ Vlad, have you been drinking? ” 
 
 “ Ha, when aren ’ t I drinking. ” 
 
 “ Why don ’ t you call me back when you ’ ve sobered up. We can discuss whatever you want. ” 
 
 “ No, I got the paperwork all set, I dissolved the government last night, so until they elect some new morons, the countries all mine. ” 
 
 “ I can ’ t just go buying Russia, that would require an act of congress, and you know how long that would take. ” 
 
 “ Yeah, I don ’ t understand your American system, seems like crap to me. You just argue about who gets to take home the most money and then pretend you care about social issues. ” 
 
 “ Yeah, I was a Senator, remember ” 
 
 “ So, hey, want to buy Russia? I ’ ll sell it to for, eh, a million dollars. ” 
 
 “ Million dollars an acre is still almost seven trillion dollars. I still have to go to congress for that. ” 
 
 “ No, you give me a million dollars, total, and I give you Russia. ” 
 
 “ You can ’ t really do that you know, private property and all. ” 
 
 “ Private property doesn ’ t exist. Over the past thirty years I ’ ve been making it harder and harder to actually own the property. As a result, the government owns 99 % of Russia. Granted lots of people have *rights* to the land, but we own it. And now I ’ m selling it. ” 
 
 “ Hold on Vlad. ” I put the phone down and turn to my aides. “ Putin is offering to sell us Russia for a million dollars. Thoughts? ” 
 
 “ It ’ s got to be a prank call ” 
 
 “ No that ’ s Vladimir Putin ” Once again I ’ m wondering why my aide is so chummy with the Russian president. 
 
 “ Do we have a million dollars available? ” I ask. 
 
 “ Yeah, no problem. ” 
 
 “ Ok…Vlad….it ’ s me. ” 
 
 “ Welcome back Bob ” 
 
 “ So a million dollars right? ” The old lawyer in me kicks into gear “ Do you have an escrow agent in mind? ” 
 
 “ Escrow agent, seriously Bob? You are such a stinking lawyer. Um…give me a second. ” After a few seconds the sound of a phone ringing on the call interrupts silence. 
 
 “ Hello? ” 
 
 “ Hey, Sauli, it ’ s Vlad. Listen I got President Bob from America on the line. Can you act as an escrow agent for us? ” 
 
 “ What? ” 
 
 “ Look, I want to sell Bob some land, and he wants someone to hold it in escrow. Can I send you some land titles? ” 
 
 I can hear the sleep on President Niinisto ’ s voice. 
 
 “ Yeah…sure. ” 
 
 “ Great, I ’ m emailing them to you now. Bob, will be wiring a million dollars to your account as well, so give him some bank account information. When you get the money, send him over the land titles and transfer the million dollars to me. ” 
 
 “ Uh, is this legal? ” 
 
 “ Yeah, don ’ t worry, I tortured my lawyers until they said yes. So what ’ s the bank information? ” Presidents Putin voice sounded clearer now. 
 
 President Niinisto spoke some numbers and I grabbed an aide ’ s pen and wrote them on my hand. 
 
 “ Great, thanks Sauli. ” There was a click as the Finnish president was disconnected. 
 
 “ So Bob, you still there? ” 
 
 “ Yeah, hold on Vlad, why are you selling Russia? ” 
 
 “ These damn oligarchs are pissing me off and it ’ s just too damn cold. I want to go on a vacation and I figure, a million dollars in the Crimea buys me some serious vacation time. ” 
 
 I motioned for my aides to transfer the money to the account number. 
 
 There was a slight click on the line and President Putin said to me: 
 “ Hey, Bob, I got Sauli on the other line, hold on. ” The line went silent for a few seconds before Presidents Putin ’ s voice broke in again. “ Hey, nice, you transferred the money. The land is yours. Have fun. ” He hung up and I sat in the conference room, staring around the room. 
 
 Four hours later my attorney general and secretary of state confirmed that I had in fact bought Russia for a million dollars. 
 
 Four days later the international community confirmed the fact that the former Russia was now annexed as a territory of the United States. 
 
 Four months later Russia was inducted as the 51st and largest state in the Union. 
 
 Four years later I was reelected president by winning the five hundred electoral votes Russia held. 
 
 
 
 

