[ WP ] You die and arrive in Hell only to find out there has n't been any vacancy for centuries . Instead , an office of `` Surplus Sinners '' has been established to assign new arrivals to reincarnated bodies back on Earth in order to live out even more demeaning lives than the ones they just left .

Wait. 
 
 Did I just... Did I just die? I ca n't see anything, everything's just black... 
 
 The fuck? 
 
 Some horrible screeching noise was pinging around in my brain and my ears. Kinda like metal grinding on metal. I can see flashes of light that used to be there burned into my eyes, like what the sun looks like when you close your eyes. There's another layer of sound... glass shattering into a million tiny shards. Is someone throwing pennies at me? It smells like copper in here, wherever I am. In my right hand, I can feel the glittery ridges on my phone case and my thumb on the home button. Okay, well that's good, I'll call someone and figure out what the hell is going on. In my left hand, I can feel the grooved impressions of my steering... 
 
 Oh. OH. 
 
 Note to self: do n't text and drive. 
 
 Suddenly, as if I'm some video game character spawning into a level or some shit, I get dropped down onto this tiny rocky island in the middle of a cavern. Behind me, I hear an explosion and see boulders fly past my head, and feel heat like I've never felt before enveloping me. I thought Florida summers were bad, but that was nothing compared to this. I whip around to see lava -- seriously, lava? What a cliché -- filling the room and almost sweeping me off my island. My island morphs into a slightly bigger island, and with a poof of smoke, a secretary at a fiery desk plops down. Wow, she's smokin'... Oh, she's actually on fire. 
 
 She asks for my name and my date of birth. Her long manicured nails start tapping away on her keyboard, faster than I've ever seen anyone type before. I try to ask her what the hell is going to happen to me, but she puts a finger up to shush me and continues typing. It feels like I'm at a doctor's office: the waiting room is unbearably stuffy, and the receptionist is rude. Is this what hell is? An eternal waiting room? 
 
 After what feels like a week, she turns to me with a perplexed look, hits her return key again, and looks back at me. 
 
 `` Well, Miss Warren,'' Smokin' Receptionist Lady said, `` We do n't have any vacancies for you. Your case is... special.'' 
 
 She pauses, maybe to get my reaction? A smirk dances across her face, but as quickly as I notice it, it's gone. 
 
 She continues, `` For sinners like *you*, we have a special program you will be opted into. You will return to the second floor and live out another life that we will choose for you. Do you have any questions?'' 
 
 For a moment, I'm too stunned to speak. I'm going back to Earth? Well shit yeah, okay, send me back! I must have some good karma saved up. 
 
 `` Nope! Beam me up Scotty,'' I joked. She laughed, but it did n't seem like she was laughing at my joke. She must not be a Star Trek fan. No, it seemed more like she was laughing at me. Like she knew something I did n't. Or maybe I just read into it too much. She gave me one last look with a knowing smile on her face and one eyebrow cocked, and hit her return key. I blinked, and my vision went white. It felt like I was being sucked into a vacuum, there was ringing in my ears, and then... 
 
 `` *DAD! * Can I play games on your phone?'' 
 
 `` Tucker James! Sit down and put your seatbelt on, NOW,'' I yelled. When is that child going to learn? I always strap him in and he always undoes it. He's seven now, he should know better. Jess and I are going to have to have a serious talk with him when we get home, I'm sick of it. 
 
 `` Ugh! You're no fun,'' Tuck shoots at me. I know son, I'm no fun. I'm just saving your life, you're welcome. 
 
 Finally, the light turns green. We start to roll though, like we've done a million times before. 
 
 Then, I hear a sound no parent ever wants to hear: Tuck screams for me, louder than I've ever heard him scream before. In that moment, it feels like time slows down to a halt. My eyes shoot to look back at him -- Damn it! His seat belt is still off! Then, I notice a bright red Pontiac blowing through their red light and charging towards us, right into Tuck's door. The driver looks familiar... Did I know her in college? Is she one of Jess's friends? No, that does n't seem right. She looks up from her phone, finally noticing what's going on, and we lock eyes. In that moment, I feel like I've known her my whole life. 
 
 I wake up, upside down with a nosebleed. I think my arm is broken, but otherwise, I feel okay, thank God. My second sense to come back to me is my hearing, and I notice several people around me, screaming for help. One woman is crying, `` Help him! He's not moving! Sir!'' I suddenly remember that I picked Tuck up from school today and try to turn around to check on him. I remember he was unbuckled. 
 
 On the center console, I spot a little blue hand, with a freckle on the thumb, just like my son's. 
 
 `` Tuck?'' 
 
 Edit: Wow, that was way longer than I thought! Also, my first time in this sub, yay!
