[ WP ] Your doctor has discovered cancer in both of your eyes . Tomorrow , you are having life-saving surgery to have them removed . Describe your final day with vision before you go blind .

`` Cancer huh?'' I asked. 
 
 `` Yes,'' said the doctor. 
 
 `` Not the internet kind? Laying off of the dank memes wo n't help?'' 
 
 `` No, I'm afraid you've browsed through so many web forums that the internet disease has latched onto you,'' the doctor explained, `` you now literally have cancer in your eyes. They are coming out tomorrow so-'' 
 
 The doctor never got a chance to finish that thought, as I had run straight from his office to my mother's idling car. I urged her with all the adorable charm a 36 year old possesses to stop by the pharmacy and a Carls' Junior on the way home. 
 
 She asked me to take out the trash before bed, so I shoved her outside and locked the door. This was my last night with my eyes intact so I fired up the family computer, ignored the protest of my siblings, and proceeded to rub my entire body in baby oil while I screamed the star spangled banner to my favorite episode of lollipops and tentacles. 
 
 I'm 36 years old and it was the greatest night of my life.
