[ WP ] Heaven has visiting hours , once per year , per ( living ) person .

“ So, are you thinking of staying with us at the end? ” The angel ’ s face was warm and comforting as he or she smiled. The androgyny was strong in this one. * ‘ Jesus, I shouldn ’ t be thinking about angel-genitals on a visit to heaven ’ *, Bob thought to himself. * ’ Jesus here - I know you shouldn ’ t Bob, just try and be good whilst you ’ re here* ’. Bob noted with that phrase he should probably abscond from blaspheming too. 
 
 “ I ’ m, er, not sure just yet. I ’ m hoping to live a bit longer yet, right? ” He had hoped for a little feedback from the angel as he gave a wink and a grin, but the smile on its face continued, in a nonchalant stand-off with a veiled truth. 
 
 “ Who is it you ’ re here to visit, did you check with Saint Peter at the gates as to whether they made it in? ” The angelic tones did nothing to hide the evident reek of bureaucracy in this place. 
 
 “ Tell you the truth… ” Bob gestured with his hand for the angel to introduce itself. 
 
 “ Michael ”, * ’ of course it ’ s Michael ’ *. 
 
 “ Tell you the truth Mike, I ’ m not here to visit any one person. I want an inventory. I want to see who made it here and in what state they made it. I ’ ve always wondered you know, does a man who died at 99 choose his age when he gets here, or is he 99 forever? Because, that policy can go to hell ”. 
 
 “ Actually, that is the policy in hell Bob ” 
 
 “ You ’ re kidding? And up here? ” 
 
 “ Up here, we pick for you. ” 
 
 “ You pick? Why wouldn ’ t you let the soul choose themselves? ” 
 
 “ Well, you see, as you probably know God forgives all sins, but when he does forgive he remembers at what point you sinned, and those points are off-limits. He can ’ t have you existing in heaven with the body of a sinner after all. ” 
 
 “ So, say if I spent the healthiest years of my life doing sinful things, I can never be that healthy in heaven? ” 
 
 “ Health has no bearing on you – we ’ re talking about appearance here Bob. If you squander your most beautiful years you shouldn ’ t be expected to be that way upon death. Unless you end up in hell of course. ” 
 
 “ Well, what about attraction then? Do feelings of attraction still exist? Are souls as reliant on appearance as the body is on earth? Ah, forget that actually, I keep forgetting you ’ re androgynous. ” Pushing his luck, Bob decided to continue, “ whilst we ’ re on the topic, what ’ s your, er, *y ’ know* like? You got one, both, none, or some heavenly downstairs mix-up down there? ” The gesture at the angels genitals made him wonder if Jesus was going to tell him off for being a nuisance. He did't, so Bob assumed he must have been busy. 
 
 “ Attraction still exists and it works exactly as it does on earth ” 
 
 “ Well that ’ s not too useful to be honest Mike. Most people don ’ t even understand attraction to begin with, and that ’ s not to mention that my wife may be sixty-five whilst I ’ m forty! Is there anyone I can speak to about this arrangement? ” 
 
 “ You can try ”. The angel ’ s response was confusing. Bob assumed that most heavenly tenants would be snooty or something; ‘ ugh, a *mortal*, what is the establishment doing bringing *these* meatwads up here? ’. 
 
 “ Can you take me to someone then please? I don ’ t have anyone in particular in mind. ” 
 
 “ Sure thing Bob. You can ask as many as you like – they ’ re right through this door ”. Bob turned around to look at the direction the angel nodded in. The door, which wasn ’ t there a second ago was now very much there, which annoyed Bob, however when he turned back the angel had gone, and that made Bob slightly happier because that meant he didn ’ t have to wonder about its bits anymore. 
 
 The doors swung open faster than he intended. He was greeted by an intense assault on his ear-drums. Bob had never heard a football stadium full of crying babies, so it took him a few moments to collect his senses and realise what was going on. It finally dawned on him what Michael had been saying, * ’ when he does forgive he remembers at what point you sinned, and those years are off-limits ’ *. He laughed to himself, then he felt really rather angry about it all. The entire population of Heaven were babies. Every single person that ever made it here made it as a baby – their purest moment alive. 
 
 “ Oh hell no! ” Another angel poofed in beside him. 
 
 “ Hello Bob, I ’ m afraid your time is up, are you ready to return to earth? ” 
 
 “ I am, er ”, it was a different angel than the one before and it still made Bob feel confused in his pant-area. “ I am, yes, can I just ask one quick question? ” 
 
 “ Sure thing Bob ” 
 
 “ Are there many babies in hell – that you know of, of course? ” 
 
 “ Last time I saw Lucy she said there wasn ’ t any. It ’ s very difficult for a baby to have sinned. ” 
 
 “ Thank God for that! ” 
 
 “ I suppose I *could*? ”, mused the angel. 
 
 “ Listen, does Hell do a day like this at all? I feel I need to check all my options y ’ know? ” 
 
 “ In fact they do. Lucy picks out her favourite day of the year for it. It ’ s on December 25th. ” 
 
 “ Well, I ’ ll be damned! ” 
 
 “ You ’ ll never make it here with that attitude Bob ”. The angel clicked its fingers, sending Bob home. 

