[ WP ] A group of intelligent and extremely sophisticated cannibals are trying to convince you to let them eat you . You know you should be scared , after all they do want to eat you but ... damn it , they make it sound so *sensible* .

`` But we need untainted flesh for the ritual'', Greg said to me, confidence in his voice. 
 
 `` Why me though'', I said, `` I'm probably tainted right?'' 
 
 `` We just need someone who has n't eaten another person before'', Patrick chimed in. `` So you in or not?'' 
 
 `` Ok so let me get this straight, you want me to eat me so that you can what? you can make some random deity happy?'' 
 
 `` Thats more or less it I guess'', Greg confirmed, as Patrick nodded enthusiastically from the background. 
 
 `` Well I doubt I would be the best candidate for this. You could probably find someone way better for this right?'' 
 
 `` We tried finding someone else, but everyone has to start somewhere'', Patrick stated flatly, frustrated with my refusal to just climb into the tub. 
 
 `` You know what, I did n't want to do this, but you're forcing my hand'', Greg added. He reached out to the table behind him, and lifted up a puppy. Not just any puppy, but the cutest damn puppy you've ever seen. Ever. `` Get in or the puppy gets it.'' 
 
 `` Whatever, I'm a redditor I like kittens'', I told him, secretly dying a little bit inside. 
 
 `` I told you, you idiot, kittens or nothing'', Patrick said to Greg, taking the puppy out of his arms and beginning to pet him. 
 
 `` Well if the puppy did n't work, how else do you want to get him in huh Pat? We need a voluntary sacrifice otherwise we cant appease Satan.'' 
 
 `` Im sorry can we hold on a minute here? Satan?'' I asked. 
 
 `` Yes, Me'', a figure said, stepping out of the shadows. 
 
 It took me a moment to process what I was seeing. Instead of a red devil with huge horns and a trident that looked more like a pitchfork, I saw Trump. Donald Trump. 
 
 `` You see now? If we do n't sacrifice someone Satan will become president and all of us will be forced to pay extra taxes'', Greg said to me, pleading a bit. 
 
 I could n't say no to that. Who wants more taxes. 
 
 `` Fine just knock me out real hard first.'' 
 
 `` Great'', Trump said, and the last thing I saw was a wad of hundreds hitting me between the eyes. 
 
 
 
 

