[ WP ] The world awakens one morning to masturbation simply NOT working anymore . It is now impossible to get yourself off , an entire industry is decimated , and the first 5 people you 've interacted with this morning are all VERY on edge .

`` You need coffee,'' my wife said, sipping on the fresh cup she had poured just moments before. 
 
 `` No! Damn,'' I said, rushing down, realizing I had already been close to twenty minutes late for work; I had lost track of time trying to finish the deed. 
 
 `` Daddy,'' my daughter said, grabbing my left leg. `` Why you so angry, Daddy?'' 
 
 `` Elise,'' I yelled. `` Can you please take my daughter away from me; she smells like complete shit.'' 
 
 `` I really do n't like this side of you,'' she told me. `` Just leave honestly.'' 
 
 The fuck was her problem. Whatever. It did n't matter. What really mattered was why I was on the freeway and every single car was blaring their fucking horn. 
 
 Ten minutes passed. Twenty minutes passed. THIRTY MINUTES PASSED AND I'M STILL ON THE FUCKING FREEWAY. 
 
 `` Someone fucking move, PLEASE!'' I yelled out of my car window. 
 
 Somebody yelled back. `` Sit. Your ass. DOWN.'' 
 
 This went on for way too long. 
 
 Fifteen minutes later I was at work. 
 
 `` Where is your fucking assignment, Willis?'' my boss angrily asked me when I got here. 
 
 I exploded. `` MAYBE, I'D HAVE IT DONE IF YOU FUCKING GAVE ME MORE THAN 24 HOURS TO DO THIS SHIT.'' 
 
 `` YOU'RE FIRED.'' 
 
 `` GOOD.'' I was done with this shit-ass job anyway. 
 
 I drove home, and found a letter on my counter. `` I took Amy and went to my parent's house.'' 
 
 `` Whatever,'' I sighed. I opened my browser to Pornhub, and tried to do the deed again. 
 
 `` Why. Is. This. Shit. NOT WORKING!!!!!'' 
 
 Foolish are those who believe that masturbation does not make the world go round.
