[ WP ] There are rituals that summon demons . Why are there no rituals that summon angels ?

The thing about demon summonings is you could Google that shit and you ’ d get the entire step by step tutorial of how to do it. Hell, in these day and age you could probably get a Youtube How-To with actual footage of the demon that gets summoned as well as alternative items if it ’ s too difficult to get some of the ancient Wiccan shit they used to need in the past. You don ’ t even have to be an actual Satanist, being in a commercialised capitalist society is enough for everyone to be considered a devil worshipper. 
 
 [ murmurs in the audience, a hand is seen being raised ] 
 
 Speak up a little would you? 
 
 OH, angels? You want to summon an angel? Son, do you really think angels exist in such a fucked up world? You ’ re Christian so you have to? Alright, okay. 
 
 Take out your notebooks — oh what am I saying, open your Memos application on your phone and write down these steps if you wan na know how to summon an angel. 
 
 [ sounds of bags being opened, several lights pop up and typing sounds can be heard ] 
 
 So sonnies, you think an angel ’ s in the same ball pit as demons huh? No, they ’ re definitely not. It takes about twice the effort to summon an angel these days. With the depravity of the world coming to a climax, it seems like angels don ’ t come down here very often anymore. Or, really, angels aren ’ t as easily found. 
 
 Anyway, the first step. Find a really good person, like a super saint almost Jesus level of kindness and goodness. It can ’ t be one of those fake fuckers who seem nice and shit but aren ’ t. Find someone genuinely kind. After that, ask the person to take a bath in rose water and cleanse themselves. 
 
 What? Does it matter what religion they are? Nah, if someone ’ s nice and kind they could be a Satanist but it doesn ’ t really cancel out their good nature. Religion isn ’ t equivalent to having the right morality anyway. 
 
 Next, after that person ’ s all clean and good. Draw a pentagram on the floor and place the clean and good person there. Hopefully they ’ ve changed into something white and pretty. Maybe not something you want to wear again though. ‘ Coz it ’ s gon na get stained and blood ’ s kinda hard to get off. 
 
 Wow, wow, chill for a moment there. Let me finish telling you the steps before we get all batshit on me here. And yes, I did say blood. Anyway, you ’ ve got the person clean and on the pentagram now right. Now, you just fucking kill them. The best way is to let their blood slowly drain out from a knife wound. 
 
 Oh, and as the person is dying, you have to say a few incantations of course. If not, what the hell would even be the point of that it ’ d just be cold blooded murder you know? You have to say something like, ’ In the name of… ’ ugh, I can ’ t remember the words to be honest. Let me just write it on my blog after this session and if ya ’ ll need it just go on there to refer to it okay? 
 
 “ Isn ’ t that just a demon summoning then? ” 
 
 Who said that! 
 
 [ silence, a hand is slowly raised ] 
 
 Hahahaha, you ’ re one smart fella aren ’ t ya? I guess, you could say it is. You technically do get a demon at the end of this ceremony. But, really at the start of it, it ’ s the angel who tries to come you know. 
 
 The thing is, where do demons come from anyway? What, really are demons? By killing this pure innocent human being, an angel is forcibly taken down from the heavens. Their wings ripped right off their backs, the heavy chains of regret and pain and the feelings of why did God leave me like this that the dying person has… It deliciously tears off these magical flying hippies right from Heaven, bringing them all the way down to Earth. 
 
 During this descent, they turn hideous, their true nature slowly comes to the surface you know. Evil and good are just two sides of the same coin and by doing this, you ’ re just flipping the switch on some goody goody angel who doesn ’ t do Shit for anyone you know? Like, really. What are angels for anyway? Even with demons you can get something for an almost equivalent exchange. 
 
 “ How did you find out about this method? And about the nature of demons? Like, I just googled it and there ’ s nothing on the subject? ” 
 
 Well sonny, I was the first angel to have fallen this way. Ya know, the big L, Mr Lucy himself? Hahahahaha, look at all your faces. I ’ m guessing that ’ s the last question of the night then, suffer well in hell all of you. 
 
 [ screams are heard, the microphone is turned off. eventually, nothing is heard. ] 
 
 *** 
 
 First time I'm trying this style. Hopefully it's alright, haha.
