[ WP ] A physicist , A philosopher , and a science-fiction author get in an argument .

Halfway through an undergraduate lab demonstration, a physicist was pulled out of his classroom by a science-fiction writer with really lively, Italian hands, who he'd been introduced to by the dean of Natural Sciences, but whose name he had immediately forgotten. 
 
 `` Hey! Long time, no see. Um. I have a really, really important question for you, you being a scientist.'' 
 
 `` A physicist.'' 
 
 `` A scientist who studies physics,'' he said defensively. 
 
 `` Yeah, okay, that's a way of putting it. Shoot.'' 
 
 `` So!'' the writer said before pausing to look over his shoulder. 
 
 The physicist waited patiently, but wondered if his students knew not to play with his lasers. `` So?'' 
 
 `` How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll?'' 
 
 A long moment passed. Raising his brows in both surprise and irritation, the physicist swiveled towards his classroom door, saying, `` I think, guy, that I have better questions to answer, preferably from my students. Enjoy your stay.'' 
 
 Before he turned the doorknob, though, he turned to face the writer. 
 
 `` You mean tootsie POP, by the way.'' 
 
 `` Did I?'' he asked. 
 
 `` Well, did n't you?'' he asked back, stepping away from the door. 
 
 A smile formed on the writer's face. He seemed like a bit of a creep. People usually thought of him as a creep, unkept hair and all, but he seemed creepier than usual. He had a limp about him, maybe from spinal curvature of some kind for wearing a satchel on the same shoulder for all his life. 
 
 `` Why do n't you ask the spritely old man in the tan suit and red bow tie standing right behind you?'' 
 
 `` Wha?'' 
 
 Whipping around, the physicist's face met squarely with an old man's. `` AAAAH! What the- Who- Where- WHen?'' 
 
 Right then, a crisp, nuggety index finger pressed his lips tight. `` but most importantly: WHY?'' 
 
 The sound of laser beams sounded from his classroom. A tension filled the hallway. The eyes of the old man went wide, and stayed wide even as the physicist stepped back and away from the two. 
 
 `` I told the old man it would take a few hundred, at most. He seems to disagree.'' 
 
 Twiddling his thumbs, the old man pursed his lips and looked away from the writer. 
 
 `` I mean, I ca n't tell ya, guys. My field is photon research, so uh.... Hey, are n't you a professor here?'' 
 
 `` Of philosophy'' said the old man. His eyes were still held wide. 
 `` But do n't change the subject! What is the subject? Tootsie rolls! How many licks, my boy? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll?'' 
 
 Sweet holy mother, he thought. These freaks standing between him and his students were gon na ruin a perfectly good laser lab. 
 
 `` Ten?'' the physicist answered. 
 
 That did n't seem realistic, thought the writer. This scientist was n't taking things very seriously. `` Okay, sure. You think ten licks makes kicks, but why? The question I ask to that is: why? `` 
 
 The old man nodded approvingly. `` I was thinking, say, a few thousand,'' he said 
 
 `` That could totally be it.'' said the physicist. `` I think you're onto something, old man, bravo. Now let me just squeeze by- squeeze. Nf. You know, you're pretty sturdy for how old you are. How, um- How old are you?'' 
 
 `` 87.'' 
 
 `` Incredible.'' 
 
 The writer was getting impatient. `` I say a few hundred, tops.'' 
 
 The impassable old man was determined to get an authoritative answer. Actually working through the problem seemed like his only option. He sighed. 
 
 `` Taking the dynamics of a high viscosity liquid into account, I would have to say that there IS no center to a tootsie roll as it folds and twists around in your mouth. However many licks it takes for one to dissolve completely, then.'' 
 
 The writer took out a tootsie pop. `` That does n't make any sense!'' 
 
 `` Aaaah. So you DID mean a tootsie pop.'' 
 
 `` Did he?'' asked the old man. 
 
 `` He did. But that's not up for debate. The owl knows. It takes three licks.'' 
 
 The writer was despondent. The old man was intrigued. `` Ah yes, the owl is a very wise creature.'' He was nodding at the floor in deep thought. 
 
 Perfect, thought the physicist. He slipped behind the irrelevant meatbags and into his lab, where the students had now begun burning holes into the pencils thrown into the drop ceiling. 
 
 `` What a wonderful world.'' 

