[ WP ] What if after you die , you wake up with a bong in your hand and your alien friend asks `` How was it ? `` .

“ He ’ s awake! Quick, help him up! ” 
 
 I felt assistance descend on me, propping me up to a sitting position. Struggling to ward off the glare from the overhanging light sources, I blinked in confusion as I studied my han- no, my tentacles, curling and flexing them, grimacing as a crystal cylinder I had been loosely gripping fell to the ground, shattering into a thousand ear-splitting pieces. 
 
 “ Oh, Wise One, give us your guidance. Which solar system should we be headi- ” 
 
 “ For goodness ’ sakes, give him some time! He ’ s not even fully acclimatized from the recce yet! ” 
 
 Wise One? Solar system? Reconnaissance? 
 
 “ I don ’ t understand, ” I said, voice rasping like pebbles on glass, “ what am I doing here? Where ’ s Sara? She was just here next to me, with Timmy, Jonathan, Gracie… ” 
 
 “ Get a hold of yourself, mollusc, ” said a strong voice as a thick, muscular tentacle wrapped itself around my shoulder, and a giant purple octopus leaned in close to me. “ I ’ m Captain Lugardo, and you ’ re the navigator on the starship Inkblotter. You ’ ve just had an out-of-body experience using the consciousness-shifting serum, and we need you to tell us, which solar system closest to us has sentient life? ” 
 
 Then, in a gentler, kinder, voice, he said, “ But start slow. Why don ’ t you tell us what you remember? ” 
 
 “ I… my name was Kenneth, I think. I… grew up in a small town, worked as a property salesman. Money was always hard to come by, but Sara made everything worthwhile… ” 
 
 “ We don ’ t have time for this! ” rang out a voice from the corner of the command bridge. “ We ’ ve got less than an hour to make the warpjump, and it ’ s the only chance we got! Can you please skip all the irrelevant bullshit, and tell us where we can find the next civilisation to crush and plunder? While you were dreaming, we were itching for some good ol ’ fashioned destruction! ” 
 
 I concentrated, shutting out the arguments which had broken out, ignoring all the invectives being flung around carelessly. 
 
 Then, the memories, they started flooding back in, in flashes, sparking conflicting emotions in me. 
 
 2004 - Sara, with her dark auburn hair, laughing as we skipped school together, huddling in the town ’ s only diner as we planned where we were going that summer. Pouring our combined savings on the varnished table, separating the notes from the pennies, piecing together a skeleton of a vacation, fretting over the minimum number of meals we needed to survive… 
 
 2038 - Gracie and I, flitting from store to store, checking prices meticulously as I rehashed the same story she had heard a thousand times before, of how I had never given her mother a proper engagement ring, and that perhaps it was time to present her with one on our anniversary. Gracie assuring me that the humble solitaire which caught my eye was more than what Sara would ever dare ask for, that it was the thought that counted, joking that she wished her own fiancé put as much effort into her relationship as I did mine… 
 
 2058 - Lying in bed, calm, somehow distanced and unaffected by all the dire discussions my family was having with the doctors. Sara raging at the doctors, refusing to believe that they could not help me, Gracie quietly weeping, Timmy out for a smoke, Jonathan by my side, holding my hand. Sara staying with me through the night, sleeping in a little cot next to me, her features just as striking and endearing as when I first met her… 
 
 “ I remember it all now! ” I yelled, flailing my tentacles wildly in the air, the universal Umbruxian gesture for ‘ look at me ’. “ I know where to head to next! ” 
 
 “ Where there ’ s sentient life? A rich civilization we can conquer and claim for our own? Where we can spill their blood and grind their bones? ” 
 
 “ Yes! Yes, to all that, yes! We need to head there! ” 
 
 My tentacle, straight and unwavering, pointed right at the star map being thrown up on the holoscreen. 
 
 “ Right there! In that solar system with 3 suns and 12 planets! ” 
 
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 /r/rarelyfunny
