[ PI ] The Kingdom is Always in Peril - 1stChapter - 4685 Words

Well done! This is a lot of fun. I did n't laugh out loud, but I was very amused. The pacing is really good, the characters are fairly interesting, and the writing is pretty solid. 
 
 The names will need a little work - `` Carhold'' is from GRR Martin, as you probably know, but he wo n't take kindly to your using it. The Morrigan is n't a necromancer, but rather a trio of Irish battle goddesses. And I thought a couple others seemed to come from somewhere else. ( Also, it's `` know-nothing'', not `` no-nothing'', FYI. ) 
 
 Things I liked: The humor. It really worked for me. Seemed to come out of character. The pacing ( after we get Malcolm out of bed ). The turns - particularly Caleb's change of heart. Malcolm's character - I love that he does parties, and the reveal of that was fantastic. But more, I love that he's a realistic guy, not keen to go out and die for someone else for no good purpose. I expect that will change over the course of the story: ). 
 
 
 Things that could use some work in a second draft: That opening bit goes on past its welcome, for me at least. Him staying in bed does develop character, but not enough to make it worth the extra time; him trying to talk the brothers out of going to war does the same thing, essentially, and in a much more interesting way. The dialog could use some punching up in places - the line between mocking heroic fantasy and unbelievable dialog is really thin. I think Graeme could use a little more depth, or hints at a little more depth ( though I do love the bit about the'special' cask, that was awesome ). He's just too close to the stereotype for me. 
 
 All in all, this was a really solid effort. I'll have to consider it for my top slot. Thanks for the read!
