[ WP ] Earth receives a message from space : “ You have been challenged to a match of Galactic Deathball . Assemble a team of 20 humans . If you lose , the planet will be destroyed . ”

`` Come on guys! Fuck. Them. In. Their. Asslike. Holes.'' 
 
 I had been selected as team leader. It was us versus the aliens. Well, one of the different kinds of aliens. The'slurpers'. They were called so because every time they moved a loud slurping-sound could be heard from one of the several holes on their bodies. 
 
 `` Captain? They're not moving.'' 
 
 `` It's true,'' I said, philosophically stroking my mustache. `` They've stopped slurping.'' 
 
 `` *GENTLEMEN*!'' said the announcer. `` *WE HAVE JUST RECEIVED NEWS THAT THE SLURPINGTONIAN PRESIDENT HAVE ORDERED HIS TEAM TO STOP. THIS ACT OF PASSIVE NON-RESISTANCE -- THE LEAST COOL FORM OF RESISTANCE KNOWN THROUGHOUT THE UNIVERSE -- WILL NOT BE TOLERATED*.'' 
 
 A live video feed from the Slurpingtonian home planet appeared on the wall. Every team had presented the Galactic Deathball organizers with two songs from their planet. One happy, one sad. As their planet was destroyed with meteors and death rays, a rhythmic slurping played in the background. I suspected it was their sad song. 
 
 `` EARTH WINS,'' said the announcer. The video feed showed our team standing around, looking sort of pumped I guess but still not macho enough.'Another One Bites the Dust' played. Then the slurpers exploded. Entrails et cetera. 
 
 `` Woo!'' I shouted, flexing a little. I tried to catch the attention of the cameras, wherever they were located, but the only one on the screen was god damn Vince Vaughn. I had at first been baffled that he had been selected to take part in this, then again it had always been obvious that he had a ridiculously good agent. 
 
 `` NEXT MATCH: EARTH VERSUS BLURBATRON!'' 
 
 Out walked a bunch of deformed green balls. This would be even easier than the last match. 
 
 `` ALRIGHT EVERYBODY; TIME TO SHAKE PROTRUDING BODY PARTS! LOOK AT THAT, EVERYBODY! CARBON-BASED AND URANIUM-BASED LIFEFORMS EXCHANGING THEIR BEST WISHES BEFORE THE GALACTIC DEATHBALL MATCH. INSPIRING!'' 
 
 `` Wait,'' I said. `` Did he just say'uranium-based'?'' 
 
 Blood and fecal matter flowed from us like water bursting from a dam or something. And there it was. My sweet self on the big screen. Covered in my own mess. With Enya in the background. I gathered all the strength I could muster, and I flexed. I looked up. On the screen was Vaughn. With an ironic facial expression. On the screens came the faces of humans burned alive as they lightly chuckled at his witty grimace. It was deeply sad.
