[ WP ] CERN is trying to open a portal to hell . Only they 're not trying to summon a demon to Earth . They 're trying to create a bridgehead for the human invasion of Hell .

`` Dad, i think we should look into this.'' I whined. 
 
 Dad swiped the screen on his tablet before waving off the latest soul to be assigned a level in hell. 
 
 `` You did warn them right?'' Dad asked. 
 
 `` Yeah, i possessed the project leader as you ordered and had him write dire warnings on the walls of the accelerator with his own blood before i made him cut off his own legs and then his arms.'' I replied. 
 
 Dad raised an eyebrow. `` And they're still going ahead with it?'' 
 
 `` Yeah, I mean they're really close now. They've already figured out how to penetrate the veil between dimensions. It wo n't be long before they can send things through.'' I pondered for a moment. `` Should I send them another warning? Maybe nail the skulls of their family members to the accelerator?'' 
 
 Dad sighed. `` No, that would just be grotesque at this point. If they really want to come i suppose we should organize a welcoming party. What does your mother think of the whole situation?'' 
 
 `` Mom actually thinks it's really funny. She bought popcorn and beer to watch the whole thing.'' I answered. 
 
 `` She's not going to do anything about it?'' 
 
 `` You know mom, she never lets the order of the universe get in the way of a good show.'' 
 
 `` She wo n't do ANYTHING? Absolutely nothing at all? Not even more reapers at the gate?'' Dad asked. 
 
 I rubbed my scythe. ``... Well... she did give me permission to do whatever i wanted.'' I replied. 
 
 Dad did a double take. `` Wait... really? She gave you permission to... like anything you want?'' 
 
 `` Well... as long as it's JUST at CERN and nowhere else.'' I clarified. 
 
 `` Well what in my father's name are you whining about? You could have solved this whole thing in 20 seconds flat! I've only seen your mom give you permission to do anything you want three times now, maybe four. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? GET UP THERE AND FIX THIS!!!'' Dad almost yelled. 
 
 `` I wanted to make sure you were okay with it.'' I squeaked. 
 
 `` If your mother is okay is with it what makes you think i would n't be?'' 
 
 `` Well... you did throw a fit when i tried to sleep with -- -'' 
 
 `` Hey that boy... Dean was it?... Was a walking hormone and i'd sooner grovel to my father than let that guy get into your pants...'' Dad paused for a moment. `` Why am i even talking about this? You get up there young lady and make sure they never try this again. Take advantage of the few times your mom let's you have free reign!'' 
 
 `` Okay.'' 
 
 -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- - 
 
 The news broadcast started: `` A horrifying massacre at CERN unfolded today as security footage reveals the scientists, technicians and other staff brutally killing each other. No plausible explanation has been put forth for what is apparently some form of mass insanity. Audio from the footage reveals that the personnel wondered about where some sort of'singing' was coming from moments before they became totally incoherent and began their homicidal rampage. Audio analysis could not find any singing or other unusual sound in the facility other than the screams of the people themselves. Authorities are still investigating. Only one survivor was found. He apparently drilled into his own ears to destroy his hearing. He communicated to doctors through writing that he heard a girl's song that drove him insane. Unfortunately the trustworthiness of his account is complicated by his scribbling of satanic verses, conspiracy theories that Obama is Trump's gay lover, and his gouging out of his left eye before doctors were able to restrain him before he got to his right eye. We shall report further details as they become available.''
