[ WP ] You 're elected president , but you do n't want to be president anymore , so you do ridiculous things to get impeached , but they all turn out to be the best decision for the country , making you more popular .

An Atlantic Exclusive 
 
 An excerpt from 
 Falling Forward: The Memoirs of President Mike Paulatowski. 
 
 Let's be honest, I had no business being elected president. You know it and I know it. Pundits may refer to me as the Social Media President or the first populist president of the 21st century but in truth I was the first person to be upvoted to the Presidency. 
 
 What brought us here? 
 `` Mike Paulatowski needs you motherfuckers to vote!'' 
 
 The gag was simple enough. I gave a profanity laden address to an 8th grade school assembly, with a megaphone, demanding that `` you motherfuckers need to vote for me, cause I will CLEAN - SHIT - UP!'' I think the real thing that took it viral was the reaction of the kids. They thought it was hilarious. A grown man acting like a crazy person and trying to get elected to be the class president. They got the joke, the rest of you clearly did not. 
 
 And then came the follow up videos. They were a hit and I was famous. Everything was cool. 
 
 Soon reddit got a hold of it and sexybeeffarts45 started that god damned write in campaign. At the time I was foolish and just ran with it. And then there I was getting sworn in. 
 
 A lot of so-called political professionals like to say that there was a simplicity to the message of `` cleaning shit up'' or that I captured the Zeitgeist. Those people are full of shit. Americans were just fed up with a political system that was n't working for them anymore and decided to send a clown to DC. Too bad we got rid of the electoral college, that could've prevented this sort of thing from happening. 
 
 My dad always told me winners never quit and quitters never win but he never said anything about getting fired. And Lord knows I tried. 
 
 First I used the provisions of the Patriot Act II to declare war on Canada. I figured nobody would want to go to war with Canada because they're so nice. I figured wrong. Oil companies thought it was a fantastic idea. It was a short war. Nine days. The price of oil plummeted and the economy grew by double-digit percentages. 
 
 Next I decided to make an ass of myself at my first state of the Union address. I gave a three word speech. `` Fuck All Y'all''. Overnight my approval rating jumped 15 points. They called it `` refreshing''. 
 
 With nothing working, I concluded that I would have to come up with something that everyone would agree was horrifying. The end of social security. Who could possibly support this? I did succeed in trashing my approval ratings at first. But as luck would have it Investment banks and insurance companies had a plan for this eventuality with a whole range retirement products. The shift of dollars from taxes to banks drove the stock market to uncharted heights. People were pissed but as it happens, their opinion do n't really matter for much these days. The system kind of runs itself. 
 
 At that point I gave up. I was n't getting fired. That's when I said fuck it. I had go cart track built on the south lawn and held the inaugural White House Flip Cup championship. Members of Congress would compete and I would agree to sign one bill of the winners choosing. Hell, it's not like they even write those bills. Fuck it and God Bless America. 
 
 
 
 
 

