[ WP ] As time travelers , 2 % of your job is to try and change the past to make a better future . The other 98 % is making sure you did n't fuck up doing so .

Hey. See that guy reading on the quad? No, not the one on the bench with two girls sitting on either side of him, the one sitting on the grass like a tool. Yup, that's me. Well, it was me back in my college days. See, I was a nerd back then. Like, a mega tooly nerd. How did I get to be so cool? Well, I'll tell ya, since I'm not under contract anymore ( and if I am, we'll just let this one slide, ey Corporate? Thanks, owe you a solid ). 
 
 Anyways, I became super mega awesome sauce when, on this day as we watch our young vagabond now, I was approached by a hoard of time travelers. I kid you not, it was the defining moment of my young adolescent life. 
 
 Did I say hoard? I meant one super foxy lady time traveler by the name of Julia Wits. Look, there she is! Approaching little baby me. Okay, do n't wipe the grass stains, it's all good. Just look like more of a tool, why do n't you. 
 
 `` Desmond,'' Julia said, her voice like a million angels that are very sexy descending around me, `` it's time.'' 
 
 `` Time?'' Little tool version of me said. `` Time for what? Who are you?'' I was n't as natural with flirting as I am now. 
 
 Without a word, she extended her perfectly tanned hand and grabbed me by the collar. No one batted an eye as two creatures sculpted by the gods disappeared in the middle of the quad. Red flag number one; the college I was attending was clearly full of oblivious dumb-butts. 
 
 Let's follow them into the time rift. BLOOOOOOOOP! 
 
 Ah, there they are. Oh... yeah this is the part where Julia explains how I've been chosen yada yada dangerous to change the future, okay, we get it. Let's fast forward to my sick wardrobe makeover. BloooooOOOOOOP! 
 
 Mmm, looking fine, slightly older and wiser version of me. Time travel does you well. Anyway, at this point, I've got the gist, changing the future will inevitably screw with the past. I've already had two feature-length episodes of nearly permanently destroying humanity at this point. I get it, I've got my Wits about me. HA! Get it? 
 
 I'm banging Julia. 
 
 WAM. BAM. THANK YOU, MA'AM. 
 
 Just had to brag. A humble brag, if you will. 
 
 I might screw up every now and again, but hey, I'm the time traveling tool that you guys thought would keep the Earth safe and stuff. Ca n't argue with that. And with the right woman by my side, well, hey. Not all the screwing is screwing up.
