[ PI ] Eternal Nature - FEB CONTEST

The good: Josh's internal conversations with his AI were the best thing about this story. Yes, a sarcastic sidekick is n't exactly the most original thing in the world, but you did it very well. Also, as /u/Basilgate said, the world was well-developed. 
 
 The bad: word repetition, and over-use of adverbs. 
 > The bar was dim, lit softly by the handful of faded bulbs hanging from the ceiling, and the glow of the dozen credit pads in front of the seats at the bar. 
 
 I like the image it evokes, but you use `` dim'', `` softly,'' and `` faded'', all to get at the same point, and you frame the sentence with the word `` bar'' when you also used `` bar'' twice in a different sentence just before. I would suggest something more like: 
 > Each seat at the bar was lit by the faint glow of a credit pad, which did more to illuminate the patrons than did the dusty light bulbs overhead. 
 
 I tried for the same physical imagery ( the credit pads, bar, and light bulbs ) but gave them distinct adjectives ( faint =/= dusty ) and paired a more passive verb structure ( was lit ) with a stronger one later ( illuminate ). I admit `` than did'' is a little awkward, but hey, it's my first editorial pass. I did n't want it to sound like the pads lit the patrons better than they lit the light bulbs... which leaving out `` did'' could imply. 
 
 Overall, it's a good story that's suffering a little from some weak writing, which is nothing a good editor and some practice at rewriting ca n't fix.
