[ WP ] Tell the story of a depressed and lonely person through the perspective of one of the roaches infesting their home .

“ Marty! It ’ s great to see ya, been too long, been far too long. Ain ’ t gon na waste too much of ya time, I know ya busy these days, always trying to find a new place to call ya own. Look no further. Best property in the land, makes dumpster living look lower class, I promise ya. I mean look at the owner, really look at the guy. 
 
 I can ’ t tell you how much I love this bum, seriously, best house I ’ ve ever lived in, by far, no question. It ’ s been so great, I ’ ve invited the entire family to come stay, and Ernie ’ s family, and Bernice ’ s, and Tony, think we got over a hundred of us at this point. Seriously, I ’ m half tempted to give out the address of this dude, just so we can all come together and have a party, but real estate ain ’ t as free as it used to be, feel me? Ya ain ’ t gon na believe a word I say, but just hear me out. 
 First off, the lights are always out. Yeah, you heard me, he has this little lamp he turns on once in a blue moon, and his TV is on 24/7 but that ’ s it. Pitch darkness! Right? I know, incredible, that ain ’ t even the half of it. 
 
 Food? I bet you ’ re saying. “ Ahh, Gary, ya can ’ t have it better than my place, they leave crumbs out all the time! ” 
 
 Guess what, doofus? This guy is practically a living crumb! Doesn ’ t eat super often, sure, but when he does, half of it ends up on his shirt, the other half just stays on the plate. 
 
 So, what else have I got? Pft, he stinks, he doesn ’ t move so there ain ’ t no worry about the kid stepping on us, there ’ s trash everywhere, we got more houses than the humans at this point! 
 
 Fine, fine, ya don ’ t believe me that he ’ s this bad? Watch this. 
 
 Maurice! Maurice! Getcha ass ova here. I ’ ll betcha twenty cheeto crumbs ya can ’ t climb onto his head without pissing him off. 
 
 Look at that! See the speed in which he ran off? Know why? Cause it ’ s a surefire thing, ain ’ t no risk of this guy getting mad and smacking one of us. He doesn ’ t care! All he does is sit there, rain or shine, night or day, it ’ s great! Trust me, we once had a birthday party on his stomach! Granted he was asleep, but still it happened, ain ’ t no way you could do that at whatever ritzy joint ya staying at. 
 Stay for a while, you ’ ll see what I mean, best time of ya life, great place to be wild and party, or settle down and have some kids. There ’ s a life for everyone here! Roachtopia! 
 
 Though… alright, I haven ’ t been completely honest. But you know me, I just want the old band back together, ain ’ t no harm in that. But… come here, come here, no closer, come… alright not that close, ya breath smells like Marie ’ s foot. 
 I don ’ t want you blabbing about this to nobody, because we ’ re getting some new arrivals soon and I don ’ t exactly want people to be second guessing coming here, ya get me? 
 
 Right, so about every now and again we have to be a bit careful, act like we ’ re in a normal family ’ s house. I expect it ’ s the kid ’ s old man, I don ’ t really know but they look about the right age apart. Regardless, about five, six months ago, the old man comes ‘ round, starts switching on all the lights, throwing open the curtains, the guy even starts picking up the trash, can you believe the audacity? Anyways, he ’ s on a rampage trying to straight the place up, making it look like some spotless haven, some kinda place you ’ d only see one of them spider-assholes pop into once every few months. The guy just won ’ t stop, he ’ s doing everything he can to make the place look semi-presentable. It ’ s not just that, he cleans up the kid too, trying to comb his hair, begging him to get dressed, the old man ’ s even brought a matching black suit along. I don ’ t speak human very well, I ain ’ t never been the brightest, you know that, but I talked to Rose who talked to Lara, she reckons the old one was begging the kid to come say goodbye. I don ’ t have the slightest idea what that ’ s about, but you know how humans are, weird with their traditions and what not, can ’ t be happy just eating and procreating, the good the good things in life you know what I mean? Anyway, Rose reckons the word mom was said? I ’ ve no idea, third hand information. 
 The old man started showing up regularly after that, once every week, same routine, cleaning, trying to straighten the kid up, making him look like one of them proper humans, he never tried again with the clothes, no idea why that was a one time thing. 
 
 By my count, he hasn ’ t been here in about two months, guess he gave up or something? Maybe he realized what a haven this place really is! I got no idea if he ’ s coming back or not, we ’ d prefer it if he didn ’ t, cause the kid ’ s only getting worse and worse as the days go by. For a second there, I worried the old man might ’ ve pulled him out of it, but I think we ’ re in the clear. 
 
 So, ultimately I wouldn ’ t worry about all that too much, you ’ re safe to move in whenever you want. I ’ ve known you for ages, dumpster brothers, right? You know I wouldn ’ t do ya clean on a deal like this, and we ’ re keeping it invite only as the place is getting a bit too packed even for my liking. The down payment is small, nothing a roach like yaself can ’ t handle. Plus, I got a spot in the fridge for ya that ya wouldn ’ t believe, I swear nothing in there ’ s been changed in a month, it ’ s beautiful stuff, enough to feed generations. 
 
 So, ya in? ” 
 
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 Sorry if this is kind of rough, just liked the idea of a Roach real estate agent. 

