[ WP ] An ancient cult preforms a dark ritual in 1914 to summon someone from 100 years in the future . You are that person .

At first I had no idea what the hell had happened. I went to sleep in my own bed, a regular Thursday night, dreaming of blowjobs and looking forward to the weekend. Then, next thing I know, when I opened my eyes I was staring up a circle of chanting, hooded nutbags. A quick glance left and right let me know I was lying on an unlit funeral pyre in the middle of some unfamiliar pine forest. 
 
 “ Welcome dark lord. We have long and eagerly awaited your arrival! ” chanted the nutbags in unison. 
 
 “ What in seven fucking hells is going on? ” I said. 
 
 After a moment or two, one of the hooded nutbags reluctantly spoke up, “ But dark lord… this is why we have summoned you here to us. We seek your knowledge of the hell you speak of. Is there truly more than one? Seven you say? Such glory! ” It was a woman ’ s voice. 
 
 I figured the smartest course of action would be to get off the funeral pyre. Every other nutbag in the circle was holding a torch and I wasn ’ t too eager to find out whether or not they intended to light the pile of oil soaked sticks underneath me. Once I got on my feet I did a quick tally of the circle. 13 nutbags… go figure. The circle closed in around me as I was doing my count. 
 
 “ Dark lord, what can you tell of the hell from where you came? ” the same woman. I suppose she was the ringleader of this nutbag circus. 
 Now although I ’ m not the sharpest tool in the shed, I know better than to be honest around people who could be potentially dangerous. I decided to play along; hopefully it would save my neck at the very least. 
 
 “ Remove your cowls and I will educate you on the land of the damned! ” I don ’ t know where the hell that line came from but it seemed to have worked because they all immediately pushed back their hoods. To my surprise they were all women. Most of them were fairly attractive at that. 
 
 The leader of the pack, who was far and above the best looking of the lot, spoke again, “ Now please Dark lord, tell us of your knowledge of this damned land you speak of! We yearn for it! ” 
 
 That sent a shiver up my spine. Yearn. What a word. What an… arousing word. 
 
 Before you judge me on what I did next, you have to put yourself in my shoes. I mean I was dealing with a bunch of godless devil worshipping nutbags. Ethics weren ’ t really my first concern. Moreover, thoughts of my dream were still floating freshly in my mind. Hard to pass over such a once in a life time opportunity. 
 
 So I lifted my chin, confidently rolled my shoulders back, and said the only thing a perverted horndog like myself could think to say, “ My loyal devotees! What do you know of… blowjobs? ” 
 
 They slowly glanced at each other and what I originally believed to be looks of confusion were replaced by suggestive grins. 
 
 “ Well then, ” this next part I screamed as loudly as I possibly could, “ LET ME TEACH OF THE GLORY OF THE SEVEN HELLS! ” 

