[ WP ] An elf , a dwarf , and a wizard are filling out the character sheets for their next game of Dayjobs and Drudgery , a role-playing game set in the world of humans .


 “ Behold! ” cried out an other-worldly apparition that slowly took shape from the shadows, “ I am the Dread Lord Blightwit the Irritable and I have come here for one purpose! To... be... your... Duty Master! ” 
 
 Krinklespitz, the sprightly elf dressed in the leafy brown-green robes of his fey kin gaped at the horrific creature emerging from the forest... and then he began laughing hysterically, his dainty curls bobbing to and fro. 
 
 “ He said... he said... he said... ” Krinklespitz sputtered in a manic fit, “ he said DOOTY! ” 
 
 “ What? ” cried out Blightwit, who presently took the form of a stern-faced blood demon. “ Are you... is he... is he stoned? ” 
 
 “ Out of his noggin', ” groused the Dwarf, Snog. The stout, well-armored dungeon dweller hocked a large blob of black liquid into the spittoon from his seat on a large rock. He regarded his fancy friend with distaste. “ The sprite had half a hit of frogbottom leaf and now he's higher than a fairy on a dragon fart. ” 
 
 “ FART! ” The elf slapped his knee and giggled as several pixies hovered near, watching worriedly and speaking betwixt themselves in their high-pitched, incomprehensible speech. 
 
 The Wizard, Mulfoust, eyed the three warily from his seat upon a weathered stump in the midst of the starry clearing known as Halfhound Hollow. 
 
 “ Can we get this game started, ” the Wizard intoned with a world-weary sigh, “ I summoned the babysitter from the sixth dimension, it is due back in its cave by the passing of the three moons and I do not want to incur the wretched wrath of my ex-wife. ” 
 
 “ So it shall be! ” cried Blightwit as he conjured a rusty old card table from the nether. It landed with gentle thud on the soft loam. Clouds of lightening bugs hovered near to offer a little light as gentle woodland creatures crowded in the periphery to watch the magic. “ Now fill out your sheets! And by the eight teats of the hellswine, you better not make me regret this Elf! ” 
 
 The forms appeared before the three of them, the stoned Elf, the dour Dwarf and the enigmatic Wizard. The pixies doused their magic dust to make the words appear across Krinklespitz' form. Snog reached a ham-handed fist into his satchel and brought forth a knife. He stabbed his own thigh with barely a grunt of pain and began scribbling with his own blood. Mulfoust sighed and leaned back as a pen and ink-well appeared from nowhere and began to write all by themselves. 
 
 “ I will be a patent lawyer named Bob, ” the Dwarf muttered under his breath, “ with a sensible automobile, a moderate drinking problem, a teenage daughter that abhors me, a tiny dog that pees on me and a bitter shrew of a wife that haunts my existence like the banshees from the undiscovered deep. And I must buy her baubles and trinkets so that she might pleasure me. My special abilities will be bad puns, I shall wield the weedwhacker of doom, and my bowel movements shall be both silent and deadly. What about you Mulfoust? ” 
 
 “ A barkeep named Thad, ” the Wizard said as he lit his pipe and sent smoke upwards into the heavens, “ I shall have questionable tattoos across my skin, I shall weave tall tales with which to sully the wenches who frolic like drunken fawns within my establishment. I shall secretly bemoan my shallow existence, my preoccupation with P-90X and I will have a serious porn addiction. ” 
 
 “ Yes, yes, ” Blightwit cooed with an evil laugh. “ But what of the fool? ” 
 
 Krinklespitz was whispering excitedly to the pixies who seemed to take exception with almost everything the little elf said. 
 
 “ No like... super androgynous, you ca n't even tell. Also a pathological liar. And he/she's really confused about his/her gender identity! ” 
 
 The Dwarf groaned under his breath. 
 
 “ Why did you give him weed? ” the Wizard complained, “ he's ruining the game again! Why do we even invite him? ” 
 
 “ Because SOMEONE banished our PALADIN into an eternity of FLAME because he forgot the PIZZA rolls! ” the Dwarf pointed an accusatory finger at the Dread Lord. 
 
 “ What? ” Blightwit cried as sparks shot from his eyeholes. “ Why do I have to always bring the snacks? ” 
 
 “ And... and... he/her's name is Erin but spelled with a ph that you do n't pronounce, ” Krinklespitz said with a giggle. “ And Erin is like kinda fat, not hugely obese, but just a little chunky with bulges in really weird places... and she's a kleptomaniac. ” 
 
 “ Someone stop him! ” Blightwit commanded. “ Or else I shall send those damned pixies into the heartless void! ” 
 
 “... and he/she is super against the patriarchy, like he/she gets triggered by viagra commercials and ESPN, her special power is checking privilege! ” 
 
 “ This is going too far! ” The Dwarf barked as he produced a humongous gleaming ax from his tiny satchel. 
 
 “ Quickly, kill him before he summons the game into existence! ” Mulfoust said as a wooden staff appeared in his hand. 
 
 “ And Erin spends all day on Tumblr making fake posts about how Bob is secretly gay and Facebook stalking Thad. DAYJOB AND DRUDGERY I SUMMON THEE! ” 
 
 With a loud keening noise the stillness of the Halfhound Hollow was shattered to oblivion. Even as the Dwarf and the Wizard leveled blows at the head of the stoned Elf in an effort to undo the making, and even as the Dread Lord vainly attempted to cease the summoning by shooting flames from his fingertips, the specter of Camden, New Jersey appeared as a feverish dream. In a split second, the three players and the DM had disappeared into thin air, leaving a few panicked pixies and a forest full of woodland creatures to mourn their passing. For their friends would not soon return, not until the game was done.
