[ CW ] Start the story with the sentence , `` Have you ever seen a clown that looked better with the make-up on ? ''

Have you ever seen a clown that looked better with the make-up on? Ah ha, see, you do n't know how to answer that question, do you? Because if the clown's not wearing make-up, how do you know he's a clown? 
 
 Let me help you out here. I'm not talking literally. I mean figurative clowns. Your class clowns, or your office pranksters, or your funny uncles who like to tell embarrassing stories about how your parents met. Why do these people do what they do? Attention? Malice? Genuine enjoyment at making people laugh? 
 
 Or maybe they ca n't bear to face the reality of existence when they're not a clown. Maybe they ca n't take the fact that the world has gone mad, and acting like a clown is the only way to deal with this. You know Dave Barry? Humor writer, hell of a clown. He once said, `` A sense of humor is a measurement of the extent to which we realize that we are trapped in a world almost totally devoid of reason. Laughter is how we express the anxiety we feel at this knowledge.'' 
 
 So why am I telling you this? Why am I bothering—please stop screaming—bothering you with this whole rant? Honestly, I do n't know either. Like I said, the world's gone mad, and I can only laugh at it. Will you laugh too? Or are you in no mood to laugh right now? I can tell it just hurt to lose your finger like that. Want me to cut another one off, to take your mind off your missing pinky? 
 
 Please stop screaming, it's not time for you to scream yet. Now, I'm sure by now you're wondering why you're here. Well, you're here because I'm lonely. No, it's true, I'm very lonely. I've been sitting here in this abandoned warehouse for hours, and no one's come to visit me, it's very boring! So I decided to, ah ha, invite you in. I know that's risky, on the off-chance you're a vampire, so if you are, please do n't suck my blood. There are all sorts of chemicals in it, it's probably very bad for you. 
 
 So do you think I look better with my make-up on, or off? Or do you think there's no difference? I think you'd be right, in fact. The make-up's not the point. Now you're getting it! The transformation into a clown comes from *within*! Am I better as a clown, or not as a clown? Irrelevant question! We're all clowns here! 
 
 Oooooh... listen! Listen! Do you hear that? Someone's coming. Probably Ol' Batsy, come to rescue you! Finally, some company. You can scream now, by the way. Please scream as loudly as you can. Here, I'll take another finger there, that'll give you some... hee hee... impetus! Make sure Batsy can hear you, and make sure you tell him it was his dear old friend the Joker who did this! Make sure you tell him everything!
