[ EU ] Sterling M. Archer agent of S.H.E.I.L.D .

*Archer walking down a hallway toward the camera. It ’ s his first day at S.H.I.E.L.D HQ. Some of his old ISIS colleagues work there as well. * 
 
 **Archer** [ to himself ]: [ Covers mouth with his hand, lets out a slight burp ] Ugh. I *told* Woodhouse adding vodka to the pancake mix was a bad idea. 
 
 [ cuts to Archer's kitchen. Archer is naked, bottles of vodka are strewn about on the floor. He's holding a gun to Woodhouse's head. Archer is extremely drunk ] 
 
 **Archer**: ADD. THE. VODKA. WOODHOUSE. 
 
 **Woodhouse**: But... sir... you instructed me to never add any alcohol to your pancakes again. You know it gives you a devilish hangover. 
 
 **Archer**: HA! SO YOU WANT TO KEEP IT FOR YOURSELF, WOODHOUSE? I DO N'T THINK SO! 
 
 **Woodhouse**: No sir. It's only that it ’ s eight o'clock in the morning- 
 
 **Archer**: THAT'S WHAT IT IS, WOODHOUSE. I KNOW. BUT I PAY FOR THIS VODKA. 
 
 **Woodhouse**: Actually, your mother pays for it, sir. 
 
 **Archer**: I... and... well... [ Archer Lowers the gun to his side ]. Do YOU pay for it, Woodhouse? 
 
 **Woodhouse**: No sir. 
 
 **Archer**: Well then ADD IT! 
 
 [ the gun goes off clipping Woodhouse in the arm. Woodhouse falls to the floor offscreen ] 
 
 **Archer**: Oh, GREAT Woodhouse, now there's BLOOD in the pancake batter. 
 
 **Woodhouse** [ from the floor offscreen ]: I'm terribly sorry, sir. 
 
 **Archer**: They're contaminated with your old blood! Do you want me to get... Osteoporosis? Because I think that's how you get Osteoporosis. Are you happy now? 
 
 **Woodhouse**: I am completely miserable, sir. 
 
 **Archer**. Well, all right. Lesson learned. 
 
 [ pause ] 
 
 **Archer**: So, pancakes. 
 
 [ cuts back to hallway. Cyril approaches Archer with Director Fury in tow ] 
 
 **Cyril**: Archer, [ meekly ] Hello. You have a minute? I want to - 
 
 **Archer**: No, Cyril, I do n't *have* a minute but now I *have* a headache. Thanks to you. 
 
 **Cyril**: Oh, well I'm sorry to hea- 
 
 **Archer**: [ Rubs his temples with his fingers ] Ow! What IS it with your voice? It just... immediately gives me a headache and makes me hate you - 
 
 **Cyril**: Are n't you overreacting a - 
 
 **Archer**: more than I already did. Cyril. It makes me hate you more than I did the day before. [ In a lower tone ] Did n't even know that was possible. 
 
 **Cyril**: I - 
 
 **Archer**: [ still in a low tone, to himself ] God, I am hung over. 
 
 **Fury**: Is this him? 
 
 **Cyril**: Yes. This is the one. Archer, let me introd - 
 
 **Archer**: Cyril, AGAIN with the voice! It's time for quiet. Why do n't you go…order something…stupid. Oh God I can ’ t even think right now. 
 
 **Cyril**: Uhmm - 
 
 **Fury**: Archer, I ’ m Director Fury. We ’ re excited to have you working with us at S.H.I.E.L.D. Your past work at ISIS has been most impressive. 
 
 [ Archer Pauses and stares at Fury and Cyril ] 
 
 **Cyril**: Archer? 
 
 **Archer**: Agh! Cyril, Go. Away. God, it ’ s like my brain wants to jump off a building when you speak. 
 
 **Cyril**: Fine! I ’ ll just leave then. 
 
 **Archer**: Yes. Leave. 
 
 [ Cyril Leaves. There ’ s another pause as Archer and Fury look at each other ] 
 
 **Archer**: And you are? 
 
 **Fury**: [ irritated ] Director Fury. 
 
 **Archer**: Uh-huh. 
 
 **Fury**: Of S.H.I.E.L.D. Where you now work. 
 
 **Archer**: Right. 
 
 **Fury**: Your new boss. 
 
 **Archer**: Ok but I can ’ t be micromanaged. That ’ s why my high school aptitude test said. I sort of need to do my own thing or I get kinda... upset, I guess is the word. 
 
 **Fury**: I ’ ve reviewed all of your test scores. I believe that your ideal career came back as ballerina. 
 
 **Archer**: Wha - no, mother filled that part out! That was her dream, not mine, even though I do have these amazing arches in my feet. I should put that on my dating profile. 
 
 **Fury**: Enough! Look, Archer. I don ’ t think you realize the gravity of the work we do here. We ’ re dealing with threats that ISIS wasn ’ t capable of handling. 
 
 [ Archer has been watching an attractive secretary walk past them ] 
 
 **Archer**: Uh-huh, speaking of handling, what ’ s the office relationship policy here? Not that I plan on sticking to it. It ’ s just, you know…I actually don ’ t even know why I ’ m asking. 
 
 **Fury**: Archer! You need to focus! This is important! Our enemies are only squaring off against us lightly now, but you better believe they ’ ll be coming harder and faster soon. It ’ s a constant stream. 
 
 [ Archer raises his eyebrows and pauses ] 
 
 **Archer**: Seriously? You ’ re not going to touch that? 
 
 [ END ] 
 
 
 
 

