[ WP ] You are a guardian angel . You did your job too well once , and since then your human believes he 's immortal . Whoops .

`` Aviya, come in.'' A stern command that sapped the marrow from my bones. Well, spiritual bones. I was never really good at metaphors. 
 
 `` Y-yes? You wanted to see me?'' 
 
 `` I've been receiving reports,'' said Veishu. `` I believe you know what you're here for. I mean, I did call you to the Bureau of Oversight Over Beings. That's you. You're a created being, and I'm overseeing you.'' 
 
 I gulped audibly. BOOBS meant serious business. 
 
 `` Well,'' I started, `` I think my human may be a *tad* long-lived-'' 
 
 Veishu pounded his fist, which then swiffed through his spectral desk. Did n't quite have the impact he wanted. `` TAD?! Your human is FIVE. HUNDRED. YEARS. OLD.'' 
 
 `` Wow, that's pretty old. How about that medical science they have now? Who would've thunk?'' 
 
 `` I do n't think so! It says here that you have gone so far as to, well, look at this!'' He flourished a scroll. It unfurled into an infinite length, with its bottom disappearing into a brain-wrinkling extradimensional tesseract. `` Item A: prevented a catastrophic mistake when Charles attempted to light his own fart in a room full of propane; Item B: purged several cancerous masses from Charles' body; Item C: to - oh, look, this would take forever, which we both have, but I'll be damned if I spend eternity on a litany for your incompetence. Do you have any explanation?'' 
 
 `` Uh, I just kind of think he's cute.'' 
 
 `` You think he's CUTE? You, an asexual being of ascendant power and 7 faces, 7 mouths, and 7 wings, you think a HUMAN is CUTE?'' Veishu's forehead vein started glowing colors that I could n't even locate on the visible spectrum. `` I'm *this close to* -'' 
 
 `` To what?'' 
 
 `` Oh.'' Veishu was holding an image of the human in question. `` That is Keanu Charles Reeves. I recognize this guy, we lost his paperwork and we ca n't figure out when he's supposed to die.'' 
 
 `` Right, right. I know, I've had standing orders to protect him for this whole time. Must be why I keep pumping him full of ambrosia when he sleeps. Not because he's cute or anything.'' 
 
 `` C-carry on, then.'' 
 
 I walked out of the bureaucratic chamber, through a well-traveled rift in between worlds, and into Keanu Reeves' bedroom. He was sleeping. Of *course. * I gently touched his cheek, accidentally melting away a wrinkle in the process. Oh, just look at him. 
 
 *My* Keanu.
