[ TT ] You have a gift for talking to inanimate objects . Alongside many perks , it makes you an excellent thief ... but you only steal things that want to be stolen .

The objects that were *really* eager to leave their owner's side called to me. They sensed me, I sensed them - match made in heaven. I'm not a thief, not really. I rescue hostages. 
 
 I made my way through the streets, heading toward the thing getting louder in my head. I hoped it would be better than the last thing I'd found: a packet of tissues, horrified at being owned by a woman with influenza. You ca n't always strike gold, but I rescue'em all, poor things. 
 
 `` *Ooh, Christ, take me away from her*,'' this one moaned. `` *Please*!'' 
 
 I knew what it was the moment I saw it: bright, shiny leather, sharply tailored. It was an expensive jacket, and did n't quite fit the person wearing it. She was creeping up on sixty, with a hairstyle twenty years out of date. She was wearing a long, flowery dress underneath. I struggled not to laugh, and grinned to myself. This should n't be a difficult job. 
 
 Then the jacket spoke to me. 
 
 `` *That motherfucker gave me to his old bitch of a mother! World-famous designer, and he just tosses me aside, to keep this old hag warm! Laughing stock of the world! Go on, take me away! *'' it shouted at me. 
 
 The old lady caught me staring, and gave me a kind smile. I spoke up, keeping a careful eye on the jacket. 
 
 `` Nice jacket,'' I said. `` Looks expensive.'' 
 
 `` Oh, yes, it's worth an absolute fortune,'' she beamed at me, stroking it absentmindedly. 
 
 `` My son gave it to me, he's such a dear. His jackets sell for a lot of money, you know. He made this one especially for me. To fit a badass old lady, those were his words,'' she continued in a whisper, giggling slightly. 
 
 The jacket howled in horror as she touched it affectionately. 
 
 `` *Keep your paws off me, you dried up whore*!'' 
 
 `` Can I see it?'' 
 
 She handed it over willingly, still smiling. The jacket gave a sigh of relief as it passed into my hands. 
 
 `` *Thank. God. I could n't stand another second on her wrinkly back. You ca n't even imagine the ordeal I've been through. Finest leather money can buy, and I end up on THAT! *'' 
 
 `` Such a sweet boy,'' the woman said. `` Truth be told, it's not really my style, but I wear it anyway. I'll wear it till my dying day. And it is nice and soft.'' 
 
 Worth a fortune. I could walk away with it right now, and she would only be able to hobble after me. We were even standing in an abandoned parking lot. It could n't be easier. 
 
 `` *Just find the nearest celebrity*,'' the jacket told me. `` *A-list, though, of course. And as a little reward for finding me, you can wear me for... mm, let's be generous and say an hour, shall we? *'' 
 
 `` What's your name, ma'am?'' I asked her. 
 
 `` Edith,'' she smiled, her soft blue eyes crinkling with wrinkles. 
 
 `` You should get your son to stitch your name on the back. Nice and big. Maybe in pink sequins? That'll look wonderful,'' I told her, handing it back to her. 
 
 `` Oh, what a lovely idea!'' she laughed, shrugging back into the jacket as it howled in protest and fury. `` We're having dinner tonight, I'll be sure to tell him!'' 
 
 I strode away grinning as the jacket yelled at me. 
 
 `` *Fucking worthless piece of shit! Okay fine, I did n't mean that. Get back here! You can have me! For... for free, even. Just take me! I'll let you wear me for a week! You ca n't leave me here! *'' 
 
 I ignored him, whistling to myself and following the voice of the next object that had begun to nag at my thoughts. Okay, so I'm a liar as well as a thief. I only rescue most of them. You get assholes in all shapes and sizes.
