[ WP ] Mankind launches a Lawsuit against Heaven and Hell for a variety of crimes . God and Lucifer show up in court the next day .

It was billed as a joke, a dog-and-pony show for ratings. The lawsuit had been allowed to happen by only one judge; she was known for being an activist to some, a religious nutjob to others. The courtroom was almost empty on the first day of testimony, a mute sign of what humanity thought of such a fruitless cry for justice. 
 
 The bailiff looked at his watch. Eight-fifty-five. `` All rise!'' The small assortment of reporters and court officials stood up, and the judge entered the courtroom. `` This is docket number 20150318-A; Atheists of Tucson, Arizona versus Jehovah and Lucifer, part 1. The Honorable Judge Meredith Baxter, presiding.'' 
 
 Judge Baxter sat down gingerly in her chair; her right knee was bothering her again. She swore to herself and God that once it started acting right she would start running again. That was five years and a hundred pounds ago. *So much for prayer and faith, * she thought. `` Be seated,'' she wheezed. 
 
 Once the courtroom was settled, she opened up the thin manila folder in front of her to refresh her memory of this case. After a few seconds, she grew bored. `` Are the parties to this suit present?'' she asked. 
 
 The attorney representing the Atheists of Tucson, Arizona rose and acknowledged that he was, indeed, present. He looked over to the empty defense table and its useless chairs before sitting again. 
 
 Judge Baxter asked the bailiff for the time. `` Eight-fifty-seven, your Honor,'' was the dutiful reply. *Well, it looks like I may get out of here early today, * the Judge thought. *Good, I need get some yard work done. Maybe I'll call over that young man from down the street to -- * 
 
 Her thoughts were interrupted by dueling light and darkness, a sudden explosion of order and decay on opposite sides of the room. She was blinded and deafened instantly, her brain unable to process what was happening around her. Everyone else in the room was similarly crippled, panicked, and screaming. She fell out of her chair, still unable to hear or see who or what had caused her predicament. 
 
 The dueling light and darkness coalesced into a pair of unnatural beings. The first, built of pure light and hope, took the form of a male human with dark black hair and brown eyes. He wore a perfectly tailored white suit, unblemished and clean. A single red handkerchief poked out of his jacket pocket. His eyes were wise and old yet shined with a youth and energy only a child could possess. 
 
 The dark counterpart also looked human, but was built like he was bred for war. Broad shoulders stretched an unbuttoned black leather trench coat across his frame. The dark one wore no shirt under his jacket, and his pants were slung low to show off his entirely muscular torso. Scars criss-crossed the otherwise alabaster skin beneath. His dark leather pants and steel-toed boots bled sulfuric smoke and left a haze stretching across the courtroom's carpet. A marble-colored hand reached up to remove a pair of sunglasses, revealing unnaturally red eyes and the concealed angry fire within the dark one's soul. 
 
 The white-suited stranger spoke first. `` Lucifer.'' 
 
 `` Jehovah,'' was the shirtless one's response. `` It seems we both got here right on time.'' He looked to the left at the blinded, screaming humans with a satisfied smile. 
 
 God shook his head. `` And in dramatic fashion,'' he said with some regret. He snapped the fingers on his left hand, and the screaming stopped. `` This is why I always manifest slowly, as to not alert the mortals or cause undue harm.'' 
 
 Lucifer spat on the carpet, leaving a sizzling acidic mark behind. `` Oh come on. It was only temporary. Besides, they have advanced so far - someone would have figured out how to fix exposure to pure entropy eventually!'' Lucifer complained. He walked over a chair on the defendant's side of the courtroom and touched it, causing it to reshape itself. 
 
 God nodded in agreement. `` Yes. They will conquer entropy, disease, and even Death itself. They will no longer need us. And we will become nothing more than stories told to children.'' Jehovah scratched at his wrist to quell an itch. `` What shall we do then?'' 
 
 Lucifer slid down into his crafted obsidian throne and draped one leg over an arm rest. `` I already know. I've got my eye set on a wonderful little backwater world on the far side of what the humans call the'Andromeda galaxy.' Volcanic plains, the right amount of sulfur in the air, and no fucking ceilings.'' He closed his eyes and smiled. `` It will feel nice to stretch my wings again,'' he mused. `` What about you?'' 
 
 God shrugged. `` The same thing I always do: Create another race of sentient beings to worship me. Maybe this time I will get it right.'' Jehovah walked over to another chair and sat in it perfectly straight and rigid. 
 
 It took a few seconds for the two beings to realize that the humans were all dead, their organic systems destroyed by sudden and destructive primal energies. `` Oh, bother,'' was Gods reaction. `` How will my children be able to air their grievances if they are already dead?'' 
 
 Lucifer giggled in response. `` That's the third time you did that, Jehovah. When will you learn to control your rage?'' 
 
 Jehovah gave his evil counterpart an annoyed glance. `` When you decide to stop being such a rebellious child.'' The two beings glared at each other a moment; sparks of white-hot order and infinitely cold chaos flew through the air and annihilated themselves on contact. After a few seconds, the light show ceased. 
 
 `` You know,'' Lucifer said to God, `` maybe you should hear the humans' grievances... give them a chance to vent. What could it hurt?'' 
 
 Jehovah let a frown form on his face. `` I let you vent once; look where that got us. All we have now is an eternal civil war over the products of our creation,'' he reminded Lucifer. `` Our power is sustained by belief that we exist and that our lessons are truth. If no one believes, our powers become null and void. Such is --'' 
 
 `` -- the power and curse of Eden. Yeah, yeah, I know. That does n't mean we should n't give the dust-lings a chance,'' Lucifer said sweetly. He had changed his form to that of a beautiful blonde-haired model... and she was still shirtless. `` I must admit, your humans are quite intelligent and beautiful when they truly work at it.'' She looked at down at her ample bosom and licked her lips. 
 
 `` They are also the cruelest and most sinister of our creations.'' Jehovah looked away from his sexually aroused counterpart in disgust. `` Even when they procreate, they can be manipulative and selfish. Perhaps I should n't have saved them.'' 
 
 Lucifer resumed his male identity and rose from his black throne. `` Do n't be so hard on yourself. You did what you thought was right at the time, just like I did. These humans are simply doing the same thing.'' He took a deep breath through his nose and let it out; smoke flowed down and back into the air. `` Shall we prove them wrong?'' 
 
 Jehovah rose from his chair and straightened his suit jacket. He clenched his fist, and a scepter of pure white gold took shape in its grip. `` For once, Lucifer, we agree on something.'' He tapped his scepter on the ground. 
 
 `` The Defense is present, your Honor,'' the two beings said in unison.
