[ WP ] Instead of presidential elections , the leaders of your city are appointed by a fight to the death .

`` Well Jeremy it certainly is shaping up to be an interesting Election this year!'' 
 
 `` Yes it is Sarah, and just look at our Candidates! On the Republican side we've got Dick Montgomery, who fought his way past Ralph Winchester and Seymore Tick to get in the finals!'' 
 
 `` And who can forget that beautiful finisher Dick pulled on Seymore! Grabbing a chihuahua from the crowd and shoving it down poor Tick's throat.'' 
 
 `` All while using his sharpened sternum as a toothpick! Got ta give something for the kids at home to look up to, and Dick certainly has it. I believe this year is looking good for the Republicans Sarah!'' 
 
 `` Right you are Jeremy! Dick is stepping into the ring now! He's a crowd favorite you know, kissing babies and the like.'' 
 
 `` And not too shabby with the PACs. Why, Dick has been raising hell on the battlefield and off. I did n't even know it was possible to bribe that many corporations after the whole deal with Comcast and Romney. You really got ta hand it to Dick, he sure knows how to handle himself!'' 
 
 `` Jeremy! There are kids listening.'' 
 
 `` I know, I know, I could n't help myself. Oh! Here comes the Democrat candidate, Ralphie Diegoooo!'' 
 
 `` Jeremy, did you see that suit of armor Ralphie is wearing?'' 
 
 `` Yes Sarah I do. Correct me if I'm wrong, but is it made out of the spines of his previous opponents?'' 
 
 `` Yes Jeremy, though I'm surprised they had spines to begin with. Ralphie sure looks intimidating either way. Let's here what the crowd has to say.'' 
 
 *ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS* 
 
 `` Stop the mics! Ca n't have kids hearing that! Oh man Jeremy, it looks like Ralphie is not a favorite. Though, to be frank, this crowd needs to switch up its chant.'' 
 
 `` Right you are Sarah. It's too easy to call the Democrats uh, butts, when their mascot is a Donkey.'' 
 
 `` Simply poor taste Jeremy. Ralphie is still strutting around. Are you aware of how much brown-nosing he did to get into this tournament?'' 
 
 `` I heard he made a special deal with Goldman-Sachs, but your guess is as good as mine.'' 
 
 `` No guesses Jeremy. I wo n't share it with you on live television, but lets just say there's a lot of sacks in that company and Ralphie's had his hand in all of them.'' 
 
 `` I have no comment.'' 
 
 *DING DING DING*
