[ WP ] Mash 3 movies together to create one hilarious ( Or otherwise ) plotline

“ Look Mom, ” Kevin hit escape and muted himself, sighing into his headset. He leaned back in his chair and stared at the paused character on his screen. He unmuted. “ I know it ’ s the holidays and all, and yes, I ’ ve always made it a big deal. But I have a lot to do over break. We ’ ll Video-Skype or something Christmas Morning, how about that? I ’ ll open that package you ’ re probably going to send on screen. It ’ ll be almost like I ’ m there. ” He listened to his mother quietly for a few minutes. “ All right. I love you too. Yes, I ’ ll tell Lucy. Happy Thanksgiving. We ’ ll talk again in about two weeks. ” 
 
 He unpaused and resumed smashing enemies, but his heart wasn ’ t in the game. After a few more minutes, he saved and logged out, tossing his headset onto its stand. Lucy was leaving him. She was going to have the Talk, probably at dinner tonight, the one that made their break up real. 
 
 He ’ d had her Christmas present for weeks already, it was waiting on top of his dresser, wrapped with a silver ribbon and blue paper. He meant it as one last-ditch romantic effort, something to bring life back into their relationship. Two years of his life, through all of the ups and downs of his college career so far, and Kevin thought he ’ d had it all sorted out. Now everything was messed up again. 
 
 For a moment, Kevin wondered how his younger, cooler self would deal with this situation. You couldn ’ t fix a relationship with booby traps, but of all the things he ’ d dealt with as a kid, it was the human connections that really stuck out in his memory. Sometimes he wondered if Harry and Marv, his old nemeses, would ever make one last-ditch effort to get him. That might breathe some action back into Kevin ’ s life. But he figured at this point, the two ex-cons didn ’ t have it in them anymore. Marv had opened a florist business, which was doing poorly, and all he could find out about Harry was that he was a regular at Alcoholics Anonymous. 
 
 But more than that, it was Old Man Marley and Brenda, the Pigeon Lady, that had taught Kevin his most important lessons. He had to be open and honest with Lucy. That would win her over. 
 
 Dinner wasn ’ t going to be anything fancy, just the local burger place. She was going to meet him there after her shift at the university bookstore. He arrived early and took a seat, staring at his hands and trying to figure out what he would say to her, what might change her mind. He knew what she was going to say, and it frustrated him that after all this time, she saw some of his best traits as flaws. 
 
 Kevin ’ s musings were interrupted as a hipster or a homeless person stumbled drunkenly through the seating area, then fell on a fellow student sitting nearby. The student yelled, trying to shove the limp body away, then Kevin quite clearly saw the homeless person—or hipster—bite the student ’ s face. Blood sprayed across the student ’ s notebook, which began to fizzle and smoke. 
 
 He joined the crush of people hurrying to flee the building, but the outside was no more safe. Now that Kevin knew what to look for, he could see others, scattered around, people in dirty clothes, stumbling like they were sick or drunk. He could see the blood, hear the screams. 
 
 He had to get to Lucy. 
 
 -- -- - 
 
 Kate McAllister stared in horrified fascination at the footage from California. It seemed like scenes from a horror movie. The video was shaky and blurry, taken by amateurs using their phones, or from security feeds and helicopters. The voiceover and marquis at the bottom half of the screen reminded viewers of the precautions they should take against the undead. She forgot everything, however, when a familiar tow-headed figure dashed through the video feed from a shopping center, leading a group of people armed with crude weapons. 
 
 She jolted upright, her shriek bringing her husband and eldest son into the room. “ KEVIN! ” 
 
 -- -- - 
 
 The dormitory was a warzone. Kevin patrolled the perimeter, checking the traps with John. There was a tension between the two men—John was Lucy ’ s dad, and he didn ’ t quite approve of Kevin, but over the past two weeks they ’ d developed a mutual respect. Before the cell service went down, they ’ d been able to find Lucy—but only in the most general sense. She was cross campus, trapped in the administrative building with other survivors. Sometimes people could get through, but the zombies tended to get more than half of those who tried. 
 
 They sent signals with flashlights and morse code between buildings, but otherwise had little contact with the other survivor groups, and even less with the rest of the world, other than air dropped supplies onto the dorm ’ s roof. The “ Outbreak ” was only a category three—they ’ d contained it before it breached the county limits—but it could be months before the ground sweep reached the campus. 
 
 Kevin kept nodded to himself as the final trap passed muster. “ I was supposed to call my mom today, ” he commented, half to himself and half to John. “ I ’ m sure she knows what ’ s going on in here though. ” He knocked the code to be allowed back into the building as John kept a lookout. 
 
 “ Probably. It was only luck that had me in town. Why does this always happen to me around Christmas? ” 
 
 Kevin twisted back and gave him a quizzical look. “ What do you mean? ” 
 
 “ There ’ s always a crisis for me at Christmas. Not every year. But damn, back in the eighties… you really don ’ t know? Nakatomi Plaza, that hostage situation? Or Dulles Airport in 1990? ” Kevin shrugged. “ I was a kid, I guess. But I think I heard something about those. You had something to do with it? ” 
 
 “ I was the big damn hero, kid. ” The people inside finally finished clearing the barricade and let them in. “ It ’ s just typical that I ’ ll be spending another Christmas in the goddamn trenches. ” 
 
 -- -- - 
 
 Spoiler: [ 1 ] ( http: //en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Home_Alone ) | [ 2 ] ( http: //en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shaun_of_the_Dead ) | [ 3 ] ( http: //en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Die_Hard )
