[ WP ] It is medieval times , and a Hero known throughout the land is about to be executed , you are the executioner

The sun hung low in the sky and a crow shrieked out a death rattle somewhere outside in my yard. My cat rolled lazily onto its back and licked its front leg. It really reminded me of myself as I yawned and stretched in my recliner, a tankard of ale clutched in my right hand. I had just finished reading my copy of “ Ye Olde Executioner Monthly ” of which I was the centerfold inside of this issue. My recent foray into a reimagined guillotine called the Better Guillotine® had landed me the spot, and I ’ d never been more proud. 
 
 At least, not since I won Employee of the Week after beheading two people at once. The first being the queen following a hushed divorce and criminal trial for laying with a serving boy, the second being the serving boy. 
 
 Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, I ’ m a licensed Administrator for the Executive Administration of Kingly Punishments involving Executing and the Administration of the Aforementioned Administrations, or an Executioner for short. 
 
 I went to school for an entire fortnight to get the certification and it took a scribe three nights and fourteen tries to get it done and spell it right, coincidentally he was also my first client. I prefer not to call the people that I execute anything but clients, it makes me feel a little more professional. Besides, you take what you can get when you go to work with a bag on your head. 
 
 Anyways, back to my original thing. I was laying around my hovel on the outskirts of town and generally minding my own business when there was a knock at the door. Well, nobody really comes to the gray part of the city except crows and apparently this asshole. 
 
 “ Hi, is the Executioner in? ” 
 
 “ This is He. ” I responded, crossing my arms. 
 
 I didn ’ t have work that day as there were never executions on Thursdays. Not really sure why, it just never happened. Well until now, oh wait I haven ’ t gotten to why yet. Listen up. 
 
 “ There ’ s a code black at the castle, and The King has requested your presence. ” The messenger said, unfurling a scroll that read, “ Come to the castle. Signed, The King ” The guy never really put his real name, he was kind of weird. 
 
 After a short ride to the castle the king presented me a man in chains who was covered in scars, muscular, had flowing golden hair, and an immaculate beard. 
 “ This, executioner, is The Hero Renald Slayer of the High Dragon Vesperion, Drowner of Witches, Burner of Devils, Stabber of Farmhands ( That was an accident but the title stuck ), and Hero of the Realm. Well, I suppose not any more. As it turns out this man was caught colluding with the neighboring king. An offence punishable by death, and by punishable I mean that ’ s what the punishment is! ” The King laughed, gesturing for me to take the hero. 
 
 As I dragged Renald down the hallway he spoke quietly, “ My friends will come for me, I will be saved. ” 
 
 I shrugged, “ Sure man, listen I ’ m just doing my job. I ’ m supposed to be off today. ” 
 
 Renald chuckled, “ You fool, your king is corrupt and you ’ ll fall with him. ” 
 
 “ Okay man, yeah. The only thing that ’ s gon na fall is my opinion of the king now that he called me to work on my off day. ” I muttered, dragging him up and out onto the very public execution platform. 
 
 As I chained Renald to the chopping block my Apprentice came up to me, “ Sire, for this one I suggest the 9 Iron. ” He held out a large case full of sharpened axes. I selected the one labeled “ 9 Iron ”. 
 
 I already knew which one I needed but it was good exercise to have the boy recommend which one he thought would be best. 
 
 “ Very good sir. ” My apprentice muttered as he bowed his head and shuffled off. 
 
 I walked out in front of the crowd, they were all booing. This wasn ’ t the first time that had happened, but a big part of Stand-Up Executions is putting in the time and being able to get on with the planned stuff despite the crowd. I gave a few courteous waves with my hands and then I lifted the axe up to my shoulder, and then all the way up over my head. 
 
 “ The Old-King Lives! ” Renald shouted, as several people in the crowd sprouted onto the stage and pushed me away. 
 
 “ What the he- “ I was interrupted as I ’ d been struck once in the side by an arrow and a knife slid across my shoulder as I tumbled off of the stage. Apparently this happened every time with these diva celebrity types, not willing to be executed so they have to steal the show with a daring escape. 
 
 “ What an asshole. ” I muttered as I drifted off into blackness. 
 
 It just so happens that when I fell off of the stage I landed into the arms of a sweet young apothecary who dragged me to her shop and fixed me up. 
 
 It turns out she was a big ready of “ Ye Olde Executioner Monthly ” and she had come to the execution to get an autograph. 
 
 Anyways, she ’ s awful cute and I've spoken to her father about marrying her. He was terribly excited as he was a man of the trade himself. Of course, he only dealt with hangings which I believe to be terribly blasé. It's no matter. I ’ m taking her on a trip to the Shimmering Forest this weekend where hopefully we won ’ t be waylaid by bandits or eaten by wolves. 

