[ WP ] Your first question upon arriving in the afterlife is , `` what do people do here ? '' An elder member describes the phases that people go though once they arrive and warns you about the last one .

John woke up, his eyes struggling as his eyes saw light for the first time in a long time. 
 
 The first thing he saw was an old kindly man, who chuckled as he saw the surprise and excitement in John ’ s eyes. 
 
 “ What … is this? ” 
 
 “ Heaven! The calzones finally did it for you, I think. Dropped dead of a heart attack. ” 
 
 “ Heaven? ” 
 
 “ Yes, heaven. Slightly different from the Pearly Gates you hear about on Earth, but a pretty nice 
 place nonetheless. ” 
 
 “ What do you mean? ” 
 
 John looked slightly better. He no longer looked as stupefied as he did when he first saw the heavenly light, and his eyes had adjusted to take in the beautiful scenery: a crystal-clear lake was just in front of him, in the middle of a vividly verdant forest. The sound of birds could be heard as the old man talked, with a glittering smile and a serene happiness. However, beneath that John could see a deep wrenching pain, and so his expression became one of mild apprehension. 
 
 “ We call this place Elysium. In here you can live past your life, free from worldly constraints, and free to do whatever you want for as long as you ’ d like to. I ’ m Mike. ” 
 
 “ Nice… to meet you, Mike. ” 
 
 “ You ’ re a good man, John. The best father I ’ ve seen in probably a decade, and the best husband I ’ ve seen in five thousand years. ” 
 
 John quickly sat up. 
 
 “ Typical. Newbies like you think eternity and think several times a normal human lifespan, and think you can truly comprehend eternity. Eternity is not a millenium: it ’ s endless and eternal. Well, it isn ’ t really eternal: you essentially slow down time so that you can fit ten thousand years in a single human lifespan. ” 
 
 “ Well what do I do here? ” 
 
 “ Most people follow a fairly regular afterlife progression. 
 
 For the first seventy-five or a hundred years, most are still attached to their earthly lives, like infants who can ’ t leave the caress of their mother ’ s arms. They see who comes to their funeral, follow their siblings and their friends through life. They see people get along with their lives without them in it. This stage ends when one of two things happen: their family and friends die off, or they grow jaded at never being able to say a single word to those who want so badly to hear their voice again, being an inch away but a dimension apart. ” Tears formed in Mike ’ s eyes as he said this, leading John to suspect Mike fell into the latter category. 
 
 “ For the next couple of millennia, their minds turn to knowledge. This is a required phase: throughout the books all of humanity has written throughout history, every discipline they master, every experience they go through, they learn the wisdom to deal with the onus of immortality. They creep, like a snail, unwillingly every other day to a designated center of learning, where they read every book ever written, look at every painting ever painted, and stuff like that. The schoolboys, as we call them, are usually not happy about the arrangement. 
 
 “ Well then why do you make them do it? ” 
 
 “ To teach them how to behave as a citizen in the kingdom of the skies. To teach them how to act. ” 
 
 “ OK, that sounds like a drag… ” 
 
 “ Never much of a bookworm? ” 
 
 “ Yeah. ” 
 
 “ Neither was I. You learn to like it. ” 
 
 “ OK, go on. ” 
 
 “ At this point, they have sufficiently renounced their old ties to the world below to find new people. They find a lover and marry, often several times, to find the perfect match. This usually takes about a century. In heaven, people are nicer: I think it ’ s the humility that comes from having already died once, and also of course that we ’ ve separated the wheat from the chaff. Some people get carried away, though: they write poems to their girlfriend ’ s eyebrows or crap like that. ” Mike smiled as he said this and John chuckled. 
 
 “ Next, they fight. ” 
 
 “ Why fight? Isn ’ t this heaven? ” 
 
 “ False advertising. It ’ s our job to keep Earth from going to hell, no pun intended. We fight the forces of hell to keep Earth from falling into chaos and destruction. 
 
 Soldiering changes you up here. Although for most folks it ’ s weeded out of them in the first millennia, some are still sons of bitches deep down inside: jealous of honor, sudden and quick in quarrel. Some are vainglorious and desperately trying to impress their fellow man even in the cannon ’ s mouth. This is mandatory for a thousand years, but some stay longer. Don ’ t worry about the time for now: over the years, time seems to pass faster. ” 
 
 John no longer looked apprehensive, but an almost bemused expression now was on his face. 
 
 “ Ely-whatever sure has a lot of rules! ” 
 
 “ Trust me, they ’ re good things, rules. Keep everyone happy. 
 
 Anyway, on with the spiel. Next is the judgment phase. 
 
 When people die, they have to either go to heaven or hell. You don ’ t take part in this trial, though. You get a lawyer and a judge and jury decide your fate. If you go to hell, the judge and jury also decide your punishments and penance. You ’ ll have learned law at this point, and you don ’ t forget things in Elysium, so you ’ ll be at turns lawyer, judge, jury, and executioner. ” 
 
 “ Executioner?! ” 
 
 “ You have to introduce dead people to their new home, either heaven or hell, and show them the ropes, like I ’ m doing right now. You ’ re close to my millionth defendant, I think: they throw you a party or something for the perfect million, so I ’ ve heard. They give you really fancy suits, with well-lined pockets. Most people here are proud of how far they ’ ve gotten, but they aren ’ t always as vivacious as they once were: you age in heaven, just very slowly. “ 
 
 Mike said this last part with disdain, as time had not treated him well: his formal beard and severe piercing eyes made him look the part of an old lawyer quite well. 
 
 “ Who was the worst person you ever defended and what happened to them? ” 
 
 “ A Redditor I see. You ’ re only the hundredth person to ask that, and they ’ ve all been in the last year. Damn that site. ” 
 
 The worst person I defended was a man who sold fake treatments to ALS patients to scam them out of the last worldly possessions they would ever have. His verdict was decided in record time, and I hardly bothered trying to argue his case. The jury decided to paralyze him and leave him in a single spot for a thousand years, then one day of release, then another thousand forever. They say he went insane. ” 
 
 “ Oh. ” 
 
 “ So after that I can ’ t comment from experience, but I ’ ll tell you what they told me. After that, the world starts to take its toll on you, but we don ’ t have illness up here, so it takes a lot longer. You become lean and almost emaciated. You don ’ t have a job anymore, so you spend the next couple thousand years reading up on what happened while you were fighting and lawyering and judging and loving, and you grow old with your wife. The slippers come on, what was once maybe a deep booming voice becomes full of pipes and whistles, and the world becomes too wide for you. ” 
 
 Mike ’ s tone had become deathly serious over the last couple of sentences, and his eyes became at once fierce and resigned, and deeply, beyond his superficialities, a profound melancholy had pervaded his demeanor. This change prompted John ’ s expression to change from interest and fascination to deep resounding apprehension. 
 
 “ What happens after that? ” 
 
 “ I won ’ t tell you. ” 
 
 With force John angrily replied, “ What is it? Tell me, I demand it! ” 
 
 “ You shouldn ’ t… Please…Don ’ t make me… don ’ t be like the others… ” 
 
 With fury John stood up. Like a cornered dog he lashed out at Mike, screaming. 
 
 “ Just tell me! ” 
 
 “ You don ’ t want me to tell you… ” 
 
 “ Yes! I do! Tell me right now! ” 
 
 With tears in his eyes again, Mike complied. 
 
 “ You can go on after that phase, you know: we have the technology to start the whole ride over again. But at that point, what is there to live for? Most people can ’ t bear to think of the terrible burden of all those years doubled, and can ’ t bear the weight of Father Time on their back for any more. ” 
 
 “ So they die? How can you die in heaven? What happens after that? ” 
 
 “ Mere oblivion, the end of sensation and consciousness, just dust. Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything. ” 
 
 A single bird chirped in the distance as a deep pain took root in John ’ s mind. 
 
 
 

