[ WP ] On his way home from the store , a man is randomly selected and kidnapped by aliens to represent humanity in the Galactic Council . Still clutching his shopping bag , he prepares to join his first meeting .

`` Bob, listen to me Bob! You are going to be fine!'' Ct'chd or whatever her ( or it's? ) name was said. I did n't believe her, I could n't. I mean I'm a teacher for gods sakes! An underpaid overworked babysitter! And here was this....spider? telling me that I was the only hope this world had. Those mandibles made weird clicks and sounds while a small box hung around it's neck said in soothing tones `` Listen, the galactic council just needs proof of sapience, that's it! If you can prove that the Endangered Sapients Act of 32451 comes into play'' 
 
 The weirdest part about all of this was n't the spaceship I had been taken to. It was n't the slugs and the spiders, I got used to those after hearing the words `` annexation'' and `` strip mine''. It was n't even that the procedure for annexing an entire planet was just filling out a few forms at the galactic council. It was that everyone was wearing `` Save Earth!'' t-shirts with save earth written in about five different human languages and everyone kept asking me about life on such a destitute planet. It made me awfully self conscious about my iphone and bag full of video games. I stammered out a reply `` How... do I prove that exactly?'' 
 
 C'tachd put his hairy arm on my shoulder, no doubt emulating the earth gestures he'd seen on the `` Save Earth'' tv commercials. *For just 7 credits a day, you can save this world from being claimed by the a'stur minerals corporation and save 7 billion sentients*. Then those godforsaken mandibles started moving again. `` It'll be fine, they'll ask you a few questions and you just have to answer honestly.'' 
 
 I gulped and nodded, frankly just wanting this ordeal to be over more than anything else. One of the slugs pointed ( pointed with what you say, well you wont believe this but it was a slug with arms! arms and hands! ) towards the council chamber and I made my way towards the door cursing myself the whole time. *Yeah you really needed that copy of COD today did n't you, you could n't wait till tomorrow, you had to have it now! *. The door opened and I received my first glimpse of the council chambers. *Star wars got it totally wrong*. There were n't thousands of people there were five, five people to represent a galaxy full of life. They sat in front of a simple folding desk with some sort of see through papers in front of them. My surprise must have been visible because the first thing they said was `` Do not be shocked by our numbers, these proceedings are being simulcast to all the remaining members of the council and approximately 20 billion viewers on GSPAN.'' Only 20 billion? No pressure right! 
 
 The slug in the center waved towards a LA-Z-BOY of all things `` Please sit, we were unaware of your species' seating preferences but this device seems popular.'' Truth be told I was glad for the recliner. It felt like home, it made me want to be home, sitting in front of my 50 inch plasma with teenagers yelling expletives in my years. Anywhere would have been better than sitting in front of the alien UN woefully unprepared to provide evidence for the sapience of humanity. How would I even start? 
 
 `` Now that everyone is comfortable, we can begin'' the slug shifted and pawed at his transparent piece of paper `` Bob McDougal''. 
 
 `` Yes'' 
 
 `` Is that your name?'' 
 
 `` Yes'' 
 
 `` Are you a resident of Abilene, Texas, USA, Epsilon 6-3 aka `` Earth'', Epsilon 6 System, Orion Arm.'' 
 
 `` Yes'' 
 
 `` You have been brought in front of this committee today to provide evidence for the hypothesis that Earth contains sapient life. You may begin when ready'' 
 
 I was never going to be ready, but I had to start somewhere. I thought of music; elvis, mozarth, beethoven, nirvana! How they could move us in such amazing ways but that wasnt really proof of sapience. I thought of art! Then I realized I knew nothing of art! I taught sixth grade in Texas! I didnt know anything about art! Clearly this was a situation more suited to philosophy anyway in which case we were screwed. Why? because I had taken one philosophy course in my entire life, an intro course where I kept trying to hit on the girl next to me. I remembered very little and what little I remembered was bound to be pointless. But, if american education had taught me anything, it was how to BS when your life was on the line. So I started the way everyone who has no idea what they're talking about starts, with something so simple and recognizable that there was no way it would come back to bite me in the ass. `` I think therefore I am''. Yeah... Earth was screwed.
