[ WP ] You win $ 5000 a week for life off of a scratch off . The lottery commision sends an assassin after you because it 's a cheaper payout .

`` I won. I ca n't believe I won!'' I scream from my cubicle. 
 
 My boss, Mr. Lewis comes over to see what the commotion is all about. 
 
 `` Daniel, what's all the hub bub? Have you completed the client experience index reports?'' He says. 
 
 `` No, I did n't complete the CEIR, you crusty sack of shit!'' I beligerently yell. `` Take this two bit job, and cram it fatso'' 
 
 I'm not sure why I verbally assault Mr. Lewis. He had helped me buy an engagement ring for my pregnant fiancé. He's done nothing but assist in me both professionally and personally. 
 
 `` Carl. You can lick on these nuts.'' 
 
 The final nail in the coffin of my career here at Global Insurance. That was my official resignation. Coworkers began approaching me as I threw items off of my desk. I hit Stroman, the lovable oaf who buys mocciatos for everyone on pay day straight in the face with a stapler. He required 4 stitches. I did n't care in the least. I had won the god damn lottery. I am now above these people. 
 
 Storm clouds filled the sky. Inside the lottery commissions headquarters a red phone begins to ring. A stocky, middle aged pencil pusher gets up from his desk. He had been playing FreeCell on his PC. Dreaming about the new deep fryer he had purchased on his way to work this morning. Totally stoked to try out a new stout beer batter for his fried fish. 
 
 `` Mmmmyello'' says the man into the phone receiver. 
 
 The mans posture stiffens. 
 
 `` No friggin' way. I thought this contest way rigged? There's actually been a winner?'' 
 
 He nods his head while holding the receiver to his ear. 
 
 `` Of course I still have the contact information. Sir, I thought this was just a training exercise! You really want me to call in the favor?'' 
 
 A solemn look overtakes his face. 
 
 `` But sir, I'm only 2 days away from retirement.'' 
 
 The stocky man hangs up the phone. Pulls a soft pack of Marlboro Lights from his pocket and lights a cigarette. 
 
 `` God damn it.'' 
 
 
 Smoking a cigarette and drinking a bottle of Miller High Life I drive my beat up Dodge Caravan. I pull into my driveway. Flicking the cigarette on the front lawn and throws the bottle onto the street. I open the front door and enters the house. 
 
 `` Honey, you're home early?'' My fiancé says with concern in her voice. 
 
 `` Not for long dumb dumb.'' 
 
 I open the closet and change into an Anthrax tshirt i bought in'89 when the band toured the east coast. 
 
 `` What are you doing?'' 
 
 `` I won the lotto babe, so keep this dump, I'm off to bigger and better. Smell ya later.'' 
 
 I really ca n't explain this behavior. I love my wife. I do n't smoke. The idea of that sweet 5k a week is completely altering my perception. 
 
 I moon my wife as I exit the house. Cracking another High Life I chug the entire bottle and smash it on my front door step. 
 
 A Dodge Challenger is parked across the street. A man with slicked back hair smoking a Virginia slim watches me. I see him check a photograph and pull his shades down to get a better look. Since I see the whites of his eyes I grab my crotch. 
 
 `` Go on GET!'' I inexplicably scream. 
 
 The man gets out of his vehicle. He's wearing a black tuxedo vest, with no shirt on underneath. His slacks have been cut into shorts. Dude is ripped. To the max. No refunds. 
 
 `` Oh is this how we're gon na do it?'' I say pulling my shirt off. My gut makes an audible noise as it's lifted up and slaps against my pelvis. 
 
 As I walk towards this mystery man he pulls out a humungous knife. 
 
 `` Woah there boy. I'm just foolin', no need for that type of hardware.'' I say desperately. 
 
 He begins swinging the knife around like a god damn lunatic. 
 
 `` Listen, I've got money. A shitload in fact. I'll give you 100 grand to fuck off'' 
 
 `` Muchacho. You're money is no good senor. My boss has given me 250 thousand for your life. You will need nearly a year with your winnings to match that's.'' 
 
 `` Wait a second. A god damn year?'' 
 
 `` 5 thousand a week is just shy of 300 thousand a year esse'' 
 
 `` What?!? I thought it was millions!'' 
 
 Thinking I had distracted him I went to punch him in the face. As a trained assassin he obviously dodged it and stuck the knife up through my armpit. He searches my pockets and finds the lotto ticket. He also finds a roll of condoms, a couple jolly ranchers and my phone. Set to record. 
 
 `` That's right you sour sack of shit, I recorded the whole god damn thing,'' I say with pride beaming from my voice. 
 
 `` Big deal. I did n't say my name, and I'm using a phony accent jabrone'' 
 
 Shit. He's right. I'm laying on my front lawn bleeding out with horrible evidence on my soon to be murderer. Just then my wife comes outside. The assassin bolts to his car. Does a semi killer burnout before peeling away. Total pro. 
 
 `` Oh my god, what happened?'' My wife says as she runs over to my bloody mess of a body laying on the ground. 
 
 Even though I was nasty to her, she still cares. 
 
 `` Babe, I think I quit my job earlier, and that handsome man just took my ticket to paradise.'' 
 
 She pulls my head into her voluptuous bosom. I awkwardly begin to try and motorboat the boobies but since we're in our driveway at 3pm she lets me drop to the ground. 
 
 `` Once a dog. Always a dog'' she says. 
 
 I make a barking noise then suddenly pass out from the massive amount of blood I've lost. 
 

