[ W.P ] `` There ai n't no Devil , that 's just God when he 's drunk '' . God has just woken up with an almighty hangover .

`` Lucifer?'' 
 
 `` LUCIFER?'' 
 
 God had just woken up. He was n't even sure that he needed to sleep, which was a big sign that last night had been a big one. 
 
 Gingerly stepping over a group of sleeping albino tigers, God surveyed Eden. The place actually did n't look that bad: the dawn was beginning to show through the jungle canopy, sending rays of light down in a blindingly beautiful array of colours that gave off an air of complete serenity and tranquillity. So, to the eyes of a God, not that bad. He was sure the bloody thing was n't supposed to be THAT bright this time of day; his head was spinning just from lifting his eyelids to look at it. 
 
 *must tell Lucifer I need to turn it down a few petajoules, or I'll never remember* 
 
 Which reminded him: where IS Lucifer? He definitely left the palatial suite with him when they went out drinking, so where the hell... 
 
 *oh* 
 
 God collapsed onto an overturned log, burying his head in his hands. 
 
 *shit* 
 
 He remembered now. Halfway through the night, he and Lucifer had broken off from the group. The other had tried to warn them: `` Never create new worlds under the influence,'' Muriel had said, `` You should n't create a plane of eternal suffering and damnation for laughs,'' Salaphiel warned. 
 
 But they had n't listened, had they? And now, for some reason, Lucifer was down there. Permanently. 
 
 `` But why would I subject my friend to never-ending torture at all? What could possibly have motivated me to do that?!'' 
 
 Then, from behind him, another voice spoke: 
 
 ``... it was a dare.'' 
 
 God spun around ( well okay spun was maybe a bit strong, but he TRIED to spin around ) to witness a bright blue lemur sat on a tree branch just above his head. Its eyes cried yellow mystery and its tail was stripped with purple. 
 
 `` Ugh,'' God moaned, `` Uriel. Of course its you. Come to gloat have we?'' Uriel jumped down onto God's shoulder before replying, a golden ambrosia-nut clenched in his fingers. 
 
 `` Well...'' Uriel began, clearly delighted in having knowledge over the supreme creator of space and time, `` It IS kinda your fault, you know.'' God shook his head, a few drops of divine whiskey falling from his beard and singing the ground. 
 
 `` Oh just get it over with. What happened?'' 
 
 `` So after you and Lucifer made hell, Lucy said it needed someone to look after it while you were n't there-'' 
 
 `` Wait- I'm omnipresent anyway?'' 
 
 `` Well clearly you did n't think of that!'' 
 
 `` I'm also omniscient-'' 
 
 `` Stop interrupting! So you both decide that Hell needs a leader: a chief prisoner, if you will. You suggested it should be Lucy, he said you would NEVER do that to him, and he was gon na prove it by committing the biggest sin he could think of. So he turns into a snake-'' 
 
 `` Okay what in the name of Azrael's balls is a snake?'' 
 
 `` Not sure. I think you took the legs off the velociraptors.'' For one moment all pretence of drunkenness was forgotten, as God's eyes widened in horror. 
 
 `` But the legs were the best part! I spent, like, AGES making the feet do that weird toe thing... ah well, what happened next?'' 
 
 `` Thank you. So then Lucifer turns into a snake and makes Adam and Eve eat from that forbidden tree at the middle of the Garden- you know, the one you made last time you got pissed and thought apples were n't'sinny' enough? They get kicked out of the Garden, Lucifer got banished to Hell, and you passed out for a few hundred years.'' 
 
 God sat back down. He had PROPERLY screwed up this time. He could try apologising to the humans - Adam and Eve would no doubt have made loads of the buggers by now - but what would he say? `` Sorry, giving power over your mortality to a fruit was probably not the best idea''? No. It was no good. He'd have to start again. 
 
 `` How did you know all this Uriel? I thought me and Lucifer split off from you guys.'' 
 
 `` Oh you did - the humans still tell stories about it though. A guy called Noah keeps me filled in.'' 
 
 `` Well tell Noah he needs to find a really big boat.''
