[ WP ] Walking along the beach you find two staircases , one leading into the sky , and the other into the sea .

I'm walking down the beach. I find two staircases, one leading into the sky, and the other into the sea. Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I spot him: 
 
 ^^*Shia* ^^*LaBeouf* 
 
 He's following me.'bout 30 feet back. He gets down on all fours and begins to sprint. He's *gaining* on me! 
 
 **SHIA LABEOUF** 
 
 I look ahead, but I see a cliffside jutting into the sea. My choices are to stand and fight, turn to the staircase to the heavens, or the staircase into the sea. 
 
 I am not in the best of shape, so climbing the steps to try to outpace the obviously ripped and healthy Hollywood Superstar is not likely to end in my favor. 
 
 I therefore have to go to the sea, and take my chances. I turn to my right, and head down the inexplicably placed on the beach staircase that decends ever so slowly into the sea. 
 
 It's almost flat, but every so often there's a step down. I ca n't figure out what genius made this, or had the idea that a beach needed a well built concrete staircase, but I have no real choice. Shia is still gaining on me, and I have to double my efforts to stay out of his reach. 
 
 Man, this beach is a long long way from firm land, AND from the sea... but no matter. I keep pounding away at my progress, almost tripping here and there as another unexpected step, irregularly placed, sinks lower from the previous platform. 
 
 My knees ache, my muscles are sore, my lungs burn, and there's that runner's side pain... got ta remember to breathe outta step, but I ca n't really think straight, because I hear Shia panting behind me, his Actual Cannibalistic panting, his gnawing desire to consume my flesh, palpable as he breathes heavily, wetly, in and out, and yet... his is the breathing of a prized athlete, a man who's very existence screams excellence, and such an existence that can only be had by one who desires and acquires that rarest of available delicacies, the human liver. Or perhaps this time it's the thigh meat? 
 
 I myself would n't know, I'm not a cannibal. 
 
 After what seems like hours upon hours, I finally step foot into the sea, and my running slows somewhat. The waves pound upon me, and I finally succumb to their inexorable power, falling into the water, and attempting to swim farther away. 
 
 My short lived success at staying away from Cannibal LaBeouf is.. um, yeah, short lived, as soon enough, Shia's powerful upper body, combined with his already proven stamina and leg power, thrusts him forward in such a way he seems to float on the water, like a speed boat or a dolphin having fun in the front of a ship cruising along the high seas. 
 
 He zooms near me, in his wake a huge rooster tail as he virtually soars along the surface of the water. My thoughts betray me as I consider giving in... *He's going to catch me. I'm dinner. ^No... ^^please... * 
 
... and he continues past me, his wake tumbling me about as his speed shoves the water carelessly around behind him as he majestically powers ahead. I thrash in the churning water as I attempt to not be thrown aside, or drown, although I contemplate drowning as an acceptable alternative to what surely had awaited me... but wait... 
 
 *I'm.. I'm not going to be eaten? * I thought as he started a power turn, and slowed his progress down to a reasonable mile per hour. It was somewhat inconceivable that this would be the case. The man had me dead to rights, but instead missed me, if you call that vortex action being missed. 
 
 Shia continued his power turn, and aimed at me, coming towards me in a direct line. He was just extraordinarily *beautiful* even to me as he carried himself across the water, regal in his prowess, exalting in his supremacy over the element otherwise called H2O. 
 
 He slowed and then stopped, hovering beside me. 
 
 `` Dude. You dropped your cell phone back there.'' He handed me my cell phone. It was dead, but in a ziplock bag, so it was n't damaged. 
 
 I was taken aback. This man had done all that, gone through such exercises, just to give me my cell phone? What ever the reason for? 
 
 `` Well, that, and...'' And he lunged forward and took a big bite out of my jugular vein. I felt the confused feeling of a person who was scared, then not, then horrified as the realization of my fate came upon me. I was a dead man then and there, and there was n't anything I could do about it. 
 
 The grin that Shia had on his face, blood everywhere, skin dangling from his teeth, widened and widened, impossibly so, and after a while I thought... *Cheshire? * 
 
 -- - 
 
 I woke up, drenched in a sweat, panting. I felt my neck, but it was fine. I looked about, but no blood was to be seen. 
 
 I had had one of the worst nightmares I'd ever had. I looked over at my computer, and remembered the last thing I'd seen that night before I went to sleep. 
 
 [ *Dammit. That's the last time I watch anything from Rob Cantor. * ] ( https: //www.youtube.com/watch? v=o0u4M6vppCI )
