[ CW ] Write a detailed recipe for a fake dish .

To truly cook the world renowned sun-baked, white-billed Alaskan Goober fish, one must start by catching a worthy specimen by hand. Attracted only to the finest of coarsely ground Alaskan peanut shells, a habit which gives the fish its name, many find bare-handed ice noodling with a handful of nutty husks for a one hundred pound fish to be but the first momentous challenge of crafting this delicacy. 
 
 Next comes the arduous task of tenderizing the meat, which can only be done my massaging the fish counter-clockwise one thousand times to the soothing sounds of Barry Manilow. This also pulls all of the deadly peanut venom that accrues in the flesh into the majestic bill of the beast, which can then be removed safely and used as an efficient assassination tool. 
 
 At this point, it is safe to begin flaying away the pale green skin of the fish to access the buttery brown flesh. Do not fillet the meat at this stage, as the high concentration of fats will cause the meat to burst into uncontrollable flames when exposed to sunlight. 
 
 After several days in a pitch black, organic coal sauna to sweat off some of the fats stored in the meat, the carcass is now ready to have the meat removed for preparation. It is imperative that only knives of the purest onyx be used, as metal or ceramic knives may cause the fish's body to spontaneously reanimate, starting the whole process of cleaning over again. 
 
 Once the meat has been cut into fillets, it must be dipped in clarified beeswax, to seal in the natural flavors present at this stage of preparation. Any other kind of wax will affect the end result, sometimes resulting in an instantaneous transmutation to maple jelly. 
 
 Once safely waxed, the fillets must be placed at an exact forty-five degree angle to the sun for one week, meaning this dish can only be prepared during the sunny season with a movable prep station. Any deviation from the proper angle will result in completely inedible cutlets, so a firm understanding of celestial motion and geometry is a necessary requirement to succeed at this stage. 
 
 If all the requirements have been met, this truly legendary dish should then be complete. After chiselling away the now hardened beeswax, the fillets should be ready for immediate consumption. To be sure of a successful preparation, have some fresh, raw tuna fillets on hand and taste both meats side-by-side. If the breathtaking sun-baked white-billed Alaskan Goober fish has been prepared flawlessly, they should taste exactly the same.
