[ WP ] Inspired by billionaires before him , Donald Trump decides to spend his vast wealth on becoming a vigilante superhero

“ You ’ ve been Trumped! ” 
 
 Well, the catch-phrase was easy enough, but everything beyond that was really hard. 
 
 I had been out of the papers long enough that I felt I could get away with my plan. I decided to start small. I started surveying the slums for my targets. A short while full of failure later, I realised my Cadillac limousine was not really inconspicuous. So went with my greatest strength – my wealth. Any private detective would be suspicious if I started asking for general reports on an area, especially if the targets were attacked soon after. I paid off a few police clerks and soon had a copy of all the police files. Say what you want about computers, but nothing beats looking a man in his photograph as you hold it in your hands. Still, efficiency requires I get access to their computerised records so the search for an assistant goes on. 
 
 There are many billionaire detectives in fiction. The most famous are Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark. I have the money, but not the atheleticism or electronic genius. Still, I know how to make the most of my resources. 
 
 I bought a strength enhancing suit from the DARPA developer – passed it off as a rich mans toy. I also started investing into Defense R & D contractors so I could get news of new toys. Anyway, the suit was shit. 
 
 I thought I would try it our on some junkie lowlife scum. Even Batman started small. So I bought a Hum-Vee, had it painted black and stored in a garage I owned near the slums. I picked out my target – single junkie living in a house near the edge of the slums. Small guy, easy practice. 
 
 While I kept watch on him, I assembled my gear. My bodyguards had got used to me being more interested in exercise so upgrading the gym to something more serious was easy and didn ’ t raise any suspicions. I had the military suit shipped to a warehouse I owned after I had the security upgraded. I sneaked out of the office several times to try it on and spray paint it black. One night I stole a Kevlar vest from the security guards lockers. 
 
 The last thing I needed was a mask. I was out of ideas until I was watching the X-Men. Magneto ’ s helmet. Square the eyepiece gaps and it ’ ll make a good ‘ T ’ over the face. I got one made from a cosplay costuming company. I also found a motorcycle helmet with built-in phone headset. Perfect. A bit of superglue and I have a helmet with a phone headset. I ’ ll try this version first, then see if I can fit one of those google glass things into it. 
 
 So came the big night. I sneaked out and suited up. I got into my second-hand Escalade ( the Humvee wouldn ’ t fit in some streets ) and drove to the street behind his house. I got out and sneaked across the neighbour ’ s yard. The picket fence was rotten and loose and I got through easily. 
 His door was unlocked. I found him sprawled on the sofa, drunk from the look of the cheap bottle next to him. I thought about setting the proper mood. 
 
 I walked up next to him and planted a foot on his chest. As his eyes flicked open, I triggered the suits built-in LED spots and yelled “ Kevin Jones, you have been TRUMPED! ” I should really get a speaker for that. 
 
 To my surprise, he rolled off the couch and slipped under the footplate of the suit. That ’ s when it went bad. He had a baseball bat hidden under the couch and he started swinging at me with it. So I found out the hard way why the suit is used for carrying loads and not for frontline combat – it just slows you down too much. One of the hits bent one of the leg hydraulics and I was suddenly almost crippled. I got a lucky punch in and was pretty sure I hurt him badly – I think I broke his ribs. He coughed blood and hunched over. I swung at him but he painfully ducked and ran out of the house. I had to get away too. The police would not come, but there was no way I could take him on again, especially if he brought somebody with a gun. 
 
 I limped out of the house and got back to the car. I drove back to the warehouse with great difficulty. I had a lot of bruises but luckily no broken bones. I passed it off as the attack of a young lady who just realised she would never be the next Mrs. Trump. That doused any suspicions my guards seemed to have. Still, I need a new plan. 
 
 So I went back over my plan and studied the greats again. Bruce Wayne had trained himself to physical perfection before he ever got the idea of being Batman. Tony Stark used his genius to save himself. Oliver Queen was trained to fight and survive. 
 
 So I changed tacks. I will play to my strengths. I started a private policing company. We take contracts to patrol high end neighbourhoods. This allowed me to have a data sharing deal with the police. Three calls to the police chief and mayor from my local billionaire buddies later, we got direct real-time access to the 911 system and police records. 
 
 So I follow in the footsteps of the greats. Bruce Wayne used his body and his mind. Stark used his mind. Wealth was an incidental asset to them but it is my primary asset. 
 
 Now I target the criminals through the system. We make it impossible for them to live in my city. But I don ’ t export our crime. When they get to another city, that ’ s when part two of my plan comes into play. I ’ m rich. I can afford to pay for the hits. 
 
 Today I move onto bigger targets. Our senator is a piece of shit. He ’ s collected millions from many, including me. But now the usefulness of his corruption is at an end. He ’ s on his way to D.C. for a meeting. He ’ s borrowing my jet. It ’ s fully insured. And I left my briefcase on it. It has a lot of explosives and a reliable detonator.
