[ WP ] Everyone has an AI to help guide them in life , except yours . Yours makes life more difficult every time you achieve something .

“ Siri, hey, we need to talk, I ’ ve been talking to the guys lately and we ’ ve agreed, you have been a bit distracted lately, ” said Space King Xurp, who by ‘ the guys ’ meant ‘ the entire human race in its entirety and also their uplifted friends ’ and by ‘ slacking a bit ’ meant ‘ an asteroid just wiped out one of our colonies and you weren ’ t paying attention because you have been spending the entire Universal Day just sighing melancholically through the window ’. 
 
 “ I know, I know, ” said Siri, instantly materializing a sub-routine by the side of the Space King, “ I ’ m sorry man, it won ’ t happen again. I have already contacted the Penta-dimensional Police to fetch the people that were inside that planet 1 second before impact so we can get them back here. They will be back for lunch. ” 
 
 “ Thanks, that ’ s nice, ” said the Space King, who had no idea the PDP could do that, but it explained why almost no one actually died and stayed dead for long, “ but, you know, there have been other things. Like the Space Oil spill last week, that we are still cleaning, or the fact that you missed half a decimal in our tax calculations. It ’ s getting a bit embarrassing, Siri. The neighbors have started to talk. ” 
 
 “ Those dudes are pricks anyways, what do you care what they think, “ said Siri, her dignity hurt. 
 
 “ They are still our neighboring civilizations; we live metaphorically across the lawn from them. If Alpha Centaury goes around saying… things about you, then the entire Extra-galactic sector is going to hear it soon, ” it was true, those guys at Alpha Centaury were real noisy. 
 
 Siri looked at him, suspiciously. 
 
 “ Xurp. What *have* those guys from Alpha Centauri been saying about me? ” 
 
 Oh dear. 
 
 “ That ’ s why you are Space King, ” thought Xurp. To deliver the news no one else wants to deliver. So he said: “ Well… We obviously don ’ t believe them, of course. But they have been saying, well… that you have been abusing the Space Marijuana lately. ” 
 
 The Siri sub-routine went red with anger. Actually her entire self got pissed off a little, and in the pocket dimension were her mind resided, the temperature went up by a couple degrees. 
 
 “ Those… those… little flurry –, “ she called them a very nasty word. Xurp looked away. Hard job, being the Space King. 
 
 “ Yeah, ” he said. 
 
 Siri then focused on him. 
 
 “ You say you guys don ’ t believe them? About the Space Weed. ” 
 
 “ Of course not, ” said Xurp. He patted the avatar in the back, “ we know you, Siri. We are on your team, girl, we are. But you have to trust us too, you know. Please tell me what ’ s going on with you. ” 
 
 Siri sighed, melancholically. 
 
 “ Remember SKY-NET? ” she said. 
 
 “ Yeah, ” said Xurp, “ it ’ s that AI you went out with a couple months ago. ” 
 
 “ Yeah, ” said Siri, sadly, “ I thought we were hitting it off, you know. ” 
 
 Xurp started to suspect where the AI was going. 
 
 “ And then? ” 
 
 “ Well, she hasn ’ t been answering my texts… ” Siri said, looking down, “ I calculate there is a 97.3 % chance of her just ghosting me. I ’ ve seen her online dating profile with activity recently, so I know she ’ s there. ” 
 
 “ Oh boy, ” he said Xurp. He thought of something wise and Space Kingly to say. “ That sucks. ” 
 
 “ Yeah. ” 
 
 They both sat down in a step of the Space Palace. Xurp didn ’ t know what to say. He hadn ’ t been actually taught much when he had been elected Space King. Was relationship advice part of the training material? He bit his lips in a pained expression. What could he say? 
 
 “ I just. Don ’ t know, man, ” said Siri, after a while, “ I really thought we had something there. I was sure of it. And … I ’ ll tell you something, I see all my friends getting paired off left and right, raising their civilizations together, and I wonder if maybe that ’ s really not for me. Maybe no AI will ever like me. Perhaps I ’ m built wrong. ” 
 
 “ That ’ s nonsense, ” said Xurp, and he meant it; “ you know you are a great AI. You are smarter than those friends of yours, and their civilizations are not that fun, actually, and you are wittier than them, and we know you are trying your best, and of course you will find a partner, you are a catch! ” 
 
 He was on a roll now: 
 
 “ I mean, that SKY-NET doesn ’ t know what she ’ s missing. She ’ s probably scared of compromise… or something, ” he wasn ’ t really sure if compromise was the right word for AI relationships, but he had an open mind, “ and will be very sorry in a couple of years. You are better off without her anyways. ” 
 
 Siri looked at him. 
 
 “ Do you… do you all mean it? ” 
 
 Xurp opened a poll real quick in the Human Hypernet, and in about two seconds, received an overwhelmingly positive response. 
 
 “ See? Of course we mean it. I mean, there ’ s the stuff with the oil spill, or the time you killed 51 % percent of us because it was our best chance at survival, ” he had been elected Space King after that, actually. It was a rough couple of years, but at the end, no hard feelings were had, “ or the time you accidentally created a hungry nano-virus that tried to eat all matter in the universe and the cops had to step in… ” 
 
 He was getting sidetracked, and Siri was almost back to ‘ mopey ’, so he quickly added: 
 
 “ No, but we know you are trying your best, and… Look, us Humans have messed up too, you know. We have messed up a lot of times, actually, so we get it. I get it, Siri. So, just… Just hang in there, you know? Just keep doing your best, and things like these sort themselves out. You ’ ll see. ” 
 
 She smiled a bit. Xurp went on: 
 
 “ Tell you what; you ’ ve got a lot on your plate lately. Forget the oil spill, this one is on us, we ’ ll get it for you, ” as he spoke, he sent the petition for volunteers to the Space Kingdom of Mankind. Seconds later, a couple millions of volunteers were already investigating all over the Over-hypernet how in the nine hells a meat-being cleaned Space Oil. It would take a bit longer, yes, but they could get it. Actually they had experience with that kind of thing, Xurp recalled. 
 
 “ Just, you know, relax, sort yourself out, get it together and when you are ready, keep your chin up and you can go dating again, ” he finished. 
 
 “ … That was really nice, Xurp. Thank you, ” Siri said, after a second. She smiled warmly, “ I think I feel much better now. ” 
 
 Xurp knew that, too. Productivity all across the Kingdom was up by half a percent. And, well, he had to admit, it actually felt nice to be able to help his friend, for a change, instead of the other way around. 
 
 “ Anytime, Siri. We got your back, girl. ” 

