[ WP ] You know the random driver in every action movie where the hero jumps in and orders to `` follow that car ! '' . Yup , that 's you . Every single time you 're trying to get anywhere .

I was just trying to get to work. I missed the bus and thought that maybe, just maybe, the peace will last. I fucking hate heroes. 
 
 Life was normal until I turned 16. There were no dirty bombs to be defused or Russian sleeper cells trying to infiltrate the White House. At 15 my wildest story involved Mountain Dew and paintball. Everything was great until I went for my drivers test on my sixteenth birthday on September 11th, 2001. A guy jumped into my car during the exam and started yelling some nonsense about preventing planes from taking off. I drove that lunatic directly to the police station like a true American. 
 
 That day caused a lot of ill will to come my way. I do n't know if it's a hex, or aliens, or a malevolent player guiding my sim through a minefield of ironic retribution, but I appear to be cursed. Every time I have attempted to get behind the wheel since then someone will get in my back seat and yell inane directions at me. And I follow them. Like a true American. 
 
 I have followed every taxi in Manhattan. I have raced trains. I have evaded helicopters. I have helped save the world. It is a living hell. 
 
 One time I went to a water park and had to drive home because my friends were lit like a menorah. I was then introduced to `` Claude'' and had to speed across town in my public pool water grundies. It turns out he just had to pick up his fucking tuxedo before the dry cleaners closed. It turns out that these `` heros'' ca n't fucking hail a cab. 
 
 I have n't driven a car since 2007. I take buses and taxis everywhere. My wife will drive. I have not driven since 2007. In 2007 I was driving a car in my mother's funeral procession. I thought that no matter how much the universe hate's me nobody will hop in a funeral car and start barking directions. That was until, of course, two men carjacked the hearse. And `` Blake'' got in my back seat and yelled `` Follow that car!'' My car front end was completely crushed by my mothers casket. I have n't driven since 2007. 
 
 Until today. I thought that I would test my skills on the way to work. It's been nine years, surely this ca n't still be a thing. Unfortunately, as soon as my car hit the street `` Vince'' got in my backseat and screamed `` Get me to the airport!'' and I was back in. I drove that man like a bat out of hell. I was n't making the same mistake twice. I ran stop lights, hopped curbs, went the wrong way down one way streets, and cut off school buses. He screamed out of my car once I got hit the doors yelling about only giving me one star. I fucking hate uber.
