[ WP ] Leonardo DiCaprio in a fit of rage begins to torpedo his own career by deliberately acting poorly and taking on bad films . He finally wins an oscar for starring in Paul Blart : Mall Cop 3 .

Leo took a breath as the last clip played. As Jennifer Lawrence stood on stage in silence, the clip from the second to last nominee played on screen. It was Johnny Depp playing the Reverend Jim Jones in the film Jonestown. Critics were lauding this film, calling it “ a chilling yet subtle deconstruction of evil and human frailty ”. 
 
 The clip showed Jim Jones ( played by Depp ) sitting in his office, looking in the mirror, talking to one of his followers. It played: 
 
 “ It ’ s time. Tell our followers to prepare the koolaid. ” Depp ’ s face didn ’ t change, yet Leo could sense an ocean of emotion beneath his cool, stone-like face. “ Don ’ t worry about dying. Worry about living. Living without god or love or hope. That ’ s what people have to be afraid of. Not death… but life. ” 
 
 In his spine, Leo felt chills as goosebumps grew on his flesh. Depp ’ s performance was perfect, eliciting both charisma and fear. ‘ He has to win this, ” Leo thought. ‘ If there is a God, he will win this. Critics are raving about it. Johnny Depp is long due for a win. Hell! The director is one of the academy ’ s biggest donors! He has to win! ’ 
 
 The clip faded in a flashy editing wipe. Jennifer ’ s lips moved in almost slow motion. Leo took a breath, as he knew what was coming. 
 
 “ Leonardo DiCaprio, ” Said Jennifer Lawrence. “ Paul Blart: Mall Cop 3. ” 
 
 The clip played. 
 
 Leo put on a fat suit for this role, along with a face bushy porno-stache. The clip showed him in a Victoria ’ Secret, his hand on the sides of his belt as he talked to a fat woman in gray sweats and purple sweater. 
 
 “ Er em eh, look ma ’ am, ” he was a particular fan of the Minnesota accent. “ I know you eh… might be feeling a little self-conscious about being fat dere, but eh… I ’ m ah… gon na have to ask you to contain yourself. We uh, ” he slapped his fake belly. “ We pudgies got ta stick together dere, ye feel me? ” 
 
 Suddenly, the woman leapt at him, tackling him to the ground as their two massive bodies rolled about, knocking over racks of lingerie and bargain bins loaded with scented lube. 
 
 ‘ we took ten takes, ’ Leo thought. ‘ And that was the best one. ’ 
 
 The clip stopped. Jennifer pulled up the golden envelope. “ And the Oscar goes to. ” 
 
 ‘ Please God. Please do not let me be remembered for playing… ” 
 
 “ LEONARDO DICAPRIO! FOR PAUL BLART MALL COP 3. ” 
 
 The audience swelled in applause. Leo walked to the podium, the eyes of the world on him. He passed Depp, who gave him a polite nod and a shrug. He passed Scorsese, who mouthed silently the word “ finally. ” 
 
 As he reached the podium, Jennifer moved to the side and the audience died down. He looked out into the sea of famous faces, both young and old. Icons and up-n-comers. 
 
 “ I…I…You are realize this is Paul Blart, right? ” 
 
 There was a silent murmur amongst everyone. 
 
 “ I mean… these movies were never funny, and I just took the role to C4 my career. Like, there was no irony here, or me trying to be cute and wink at the camera. This was just me taking a hatchet to my career. ” 
 
 The murmurs got louder. 
 
 “ I mean, Jesus fucking Christ! I played both Howard Hughes AND Jordan Belfort and somehow, me riding a Segway is more Oscar worth? How is that funny? It ’ s literally just a fat guy riding a Segway! How is it funny! ” 
 
 He ripped off his tie and started ranting at the audience, who were now booing him. 
 ~~~~ 
 And that was how Leonardo Dicaprio got arrested at the 2016 academy awards. 

