[ WP ] Steve just came home from work only to discover that there is currently a thief in his house . He hears noises coming from the bathroom . He slowly sneaks to the door , opens it and sees the thief ... well , taking a dump . Make it funny .

I should n't have eaten so much Taco Bell® for lunch. 
 
 All afternoon I felt a pressure building in my gut. As I left the office, I debated crapping before I left, but decided I'd much rather do the deed on my home turf. 
 
 I sat in traffic for what felt like hours. The pressure built to an almost unbearable level. 
 
 When I finally got home, I bolted from my car like an olympic sprinter. I parked on the curb and sprinted across the lawn. If I had not been so focused on evacuating my bowels, I might have noticed that an unfamiliar van was parked in my driveway or that the door was slightly ajar or that several of my most precious possessions were gone. But I did not. As I rushed into that bathroom and dropped my pants, all I could think about was sweet, sweet release. 
 
 I am not in the habit of documenting my bowel movements, but if I were keeping a list of my top ten all time greatest shits, this one would have easily topped it. The feeling was literally orgasmic. I had never passed anything like this before. I moaned with pleasure, howled in agony, and wept in awe at the new and incredible sensations I was feeling. after I finished, I knew in my heart that I would n't even have to wipe. 
 
 In a stupor, I stumbled to the kitchen, popped a bottle of champagne and opened a box of Triscuit® crackers to celebrate the life-changing shit that had just gone down. 
 
 Just then, I heard a faint thud coming from my bathroom. Probably just the house settling, but it made me realize that I had forgotten to flush in my post-bowel movement ecstasy. 
 
 As I walked towards the bathroom to flush, I heard another thud. This time I realized I was hearing footsteps. I grabbed the only candlestick that had n't been stolen and brandished it as I crept towards the cracked door. 
 
 I silently opened the door, only to see a man clad head-to-toe in black kneeling by my toilet with his sleeves rolled up taking my shit.
