[ EU ] Ebenezer Scrooge has to learn the true meaning of Halloween .

Part One: A Very Ebenezer Halloween 
 
 “ Excuse me Mr. Scrooge I was hoping I could get Halloween off? ” John Everyman asked shyly to his shrewd boss one Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge. 
 
 “ No, ” Mr. Scrooge said dusting off an ipad. Ebenezer didn ’ t become manager of the Apple Store by letting people take off commercial holidays. 
 
 “ Why sir! ” John pleaded, “ its Halloween my girlfriend Savana is dressing up like a sexy bee, if I was allowed off, one man to another I will totally pound that. ” 
 
 Ebenezer sat unmoved, “ Halloween humbug! No, you will stay overnight and do inventory or by god I swear boy you will be with all the other drama majors, sucking cock for crack money down on hard knock ’ s avenue. ” 
 
 “ Please sir anything but that, ” John says hands together on his knees. 
 
 “ Then shut your trap, and get to it! ” Ebenezer retorts putting on his hipster cat jacket and leaving for home. 
 Ebenezer fumbled for his keys to his Ford Focus when two gentlemen approached. 
 
 “ Sir, its Halloween and not all kids can afford costumes, how about a donation to the poor? ” the gentlemen asked politely. 
 
 Ebenezer snorted sarcastically, sure of his own mental superiority and said, “ I don ’ t believe in your corporate bullshit holidays. Disposable Halloween costumes destroy the rainforest and skanky costumes are the work of fat shamming cis gendered men who promote the patriarchy, ” before entering his car and driving away leaving the gentlemen with fallen jaws and confused looks from hearing a half-dozen words previously unknown to them. 
 
 Ebenezer came home to his studio apartment and immediately fed his portly cat Reddit.com. Ebenezer snorted as he settled into bed at the thought of John Everyman having to do stock on Halloween and before long was asleep. 
 Ebenezer woke at about two with a specter at the base of his ironic racecar bed. The figure was the old assistant manager Rod Cox. 
 
 “ Rod! You ’ re dead! You died in the great IPhone stampede of ’ 06! ” Ebenezer said pressed against his wall in terror. 
 
 Rod Cox stood in his Apple Uniform chains binding his limbs. Raising a finger towards Ebenezer he spoke softly, “ Ebenezer I was like you in life. I was a huge dick to my employees and prevented them from railing hot chicks. Now look at me, ” he said raising his chain. “ Ebenezer I walk limbo forever because of my moral sins! I come to warn you! Steer you from my fate and teach you the true meaning of Halloween! You will be visited by three spirits tonight, heed my words and listen carefully! It is your only chance, brah! ” 
 
 With that Rod Cox was gone and slowly from the mists came the first spirit. Slowly a form emerged of what appeared to be 15th century Spanish Inquisitor. Ebenezer recoiled in fear from the lack of religious tolerance. 
 
 “ Ebenezer I am the ghost of Halloween past, ese. ” The ghost said in a thick offensive Spanish accent. “ I am here to show you the Halloween of your childhood, ” the figure said beckoning Ebenezer towards him. 
 
 The room melted to be replaced by 1980 ’ s New York and Ebenezer ’ s boyhood apartment. Slowly they floated into the building and saw a young Ebenezer surrounded by his two beatnik parents. 
 
 “ Ebenezer! His parents called get over here! What ’ s this I found a Halloween costume? ” Ebenezer ’ s mom interrogated holding up a poorly made ghost costume. His father looked on fuming dropping his didgeridoo in a hippy rage. 
 
 “ Mom its my ghost costume, I wanted to get candy with the other kids, ” young Ebenezer cried. 
 
 “ So you wanted to dress up like a member of the clan! What would mommy ’ s lover Jamal say about that? You know how bad candy is for the environment, next thing you know you ’ ll be practicing the second amendment and voting for Ronald Regan. They should ban the entire practice! ” Ebenezer ’ s mom said going into a hippy tirade. 
 
 “ Like what the shit Ebenezer, Jamal is like a nice guy and stuff why you got to be like that? ” Ebenezer ’ s cuckold father replied. 
 
 “ Sounds like someone is coming with mommy to her Socialist Sisters Book Club again, ” Ebenezer ’ s mom said taking her son by the collar and dragging him away against his will. 
 Adult Ebenezer screamed, “ Make it stop, make it stop! ” Suddenly they were back in Ebenezer ’ s room. 
 
 “ Your mother ruined Halloween for you with some dumb social justice shit, ese. Why you got to ruin John ’ s Halloween, dick? You will be visited by two more spirits, ” the Ghost said before punching Ebenezer in the dick and fading away. 
 Ebenezer rolled in pain before another figure emerged that of a fat diabetic kid with manboobs, 
 
 “ Hey I ’ m Billy and I like candy, ” Billy said stuffing a mars bar into his add filled head, “ I ’ m the ghost of Halloween present and I ’ m going to show you stuff! ” The ghost of Halloween present said before running around the room pretending to be a cactus. 
 The room dissolved once again and Ebenezer was taken to Savana ’ s sorority house. It was full of all manner of women, some dressed as slutty cheerleaders, some slutty vampires, some slutty North Korean concentration camp guards, and others slutty angels. Yet there was but one slutty bee and she cried over a bottle of Girl ’ s Night Out while her friend consoled her. 
 
 “ I ’ m sorry John is like such a jerk having to work on Holloween, like gah, ” the friend said adjusting her slutty district coroner costume. 
 
 “ I know Madison! I ’ m just so horny and drunk I just wanted John to rail me tonight, ” moaned Savana. 

