[ WP ] You are a soldier in the game `` Total War '' , however , your player is a terrible commander .

`` JA KAISER, VE KLOZE FIR BETTLE!'' Screams the captain, seemingly to the air. You've learned not to question it. The enemy fort stands before you and your comrades. Hundreds of Reichsmen stand by your side. This mere rebel outpost should be no match for the endless strength of the Holy Roman Empire. 
 
 But you know better. The Francs, the Poles, the Danes. Each have made a mockery of your homeland's imperial might by running rings around every army that the Kaiser sends forth. You have served in enough battles to know that the rulers of the empire are all, without question, madmen. 
 
 This is exemplified perfectly by the four battering rams laid in front of your forces, crewed by all of the armies archers. Without the cover of those archers, countless men will die before this meager stronghold. You have seen it all before. You wish only for it to stop. 
 
 The war horn sounds and the attack begins. All four battering rams roll forward and your infantry units follow. You notice some of the armies mercenaries charging towards the gates. They move ahead of the rams and arrows rain down upon them. By the time they reach the gate, most are dead. 
 
 You see the archers behind the rams fall victim next. A few moments later and your men are under attack. Hundreds fall in the next few minutes. The man to your left erupts in flames. You ignore the screaming. One of the rams lies still, abandoned by its crew. 
 
 You trudge through a hellscape of broken, trampled bodies. But you march on. The captain falls to a stray arrow. You march on. One of the ram catches fire. You march on. 
 
 With each blow the ram comes closer to breaking the gate. A few tired and worn archers heave the timber log against a rickety wooden barricade. The other ram is propped awkwardly against the wall, as if it was intended to breach the walls themselves. Its crew are all long dead. Perhaps one in three still live out of a thousand. This may be the end. The thought is n't unwelcome 
 
 Suddenly the gate crashes in. A beleaguered cheer goes up from the army. You rush forward, across the piles of your dead brothers and into the fort. Your sword is raised in anticipation. Your shield arm is ready for any foe. 
 
 Farmers. maybe two hundred farmers with bows and pikes. You slaughter those that stand in your way. The survivors break and run for the centre of their stronghold. you get ready to give chase when something slams you to the ground. You look up in time to watch the captain's cavalry race ahead of the army and into the reformed ranks of the enemy. 
 
 As the rest of the army hurries to follow, the horsemen are hacked to pieces. What follows ca n't be called combat. You and your men lazily walk up to the enemy in small clumps and swing wildly at the enemy until they are all dead. 
 
 The day has been won. There are no cheers as the soldiers loot valuables from the fallen. No songs are sung as you bury your friends. A few tattered flags hang over a strategically insignificant battlefield. You doubt the surrounding farmland will even bring in any revenue for the empire. 
 
 You wash the blood from your armour and then from your skin. You prepare to find somewhere to sleep when a rider carrying the Kaiser's personal colours arrives into the fort. He seeks you out and declares that you are now the leader of this army. He then hands you a scroll. You read its contents quietly. 
 
 Another army, the Milanese. A few weeks south of your location. You are tasked with engaging what seems to be a vastly superior fighting force. The orders demand that you take all of your soldiers with you. So the Fort will fall into rebel hands, again. You spit on the ground in disgust and send a warrior away to inform the men. 
 
 The rider sits there patiently and awaits your response. Just like every man before you who was drafted to command, you feel the weight of responsibility crush all hope from you. A single tear runs down your face and you stare back at the rider. There's only one thing you can possibly say. 
 
 `` JA VE VIL CWUSH DiM KAISER!''
