[ WP ] '' Passengers , this is n't your captain speaking . ''

`` Passengers, this is n't your captain speaking. In fact, this is n't even one of your air crew. Now, before anyone panics, do n't be alarmed. This is still your regularly scheduled flight AA9 to LAX, and yes, we will be arriving there on time. The bad news is I do n't know how to fly this plane, but the good news is that the autopilot seems to be doing this for me for the time being. 
 Now, on to business. We will not be landing at LAX. I ca n't even guarantee that we'll be landing at an airport, as per my previous point on my aerial aptitude! More so, you're all going to be part of a great big social experiment on the destructive effects of a large aircraft descending into a major city. Now, I wo n't be around to see the results but other people have volunteered to help track what happens next. 
 I would instruct all of you to please remain in your seats and remain calm. Yes, that includes the two or three apparently large muscle-bound gentlemen banging on the door to the cockpit. There's nothing heavy or destructive enough to take it down and the hinges are on the inside with me. So, please, just stop and return to your seats. In fact, there's a spare one back at 17C because I wo n't be using it any more, since I'm in here. So, someone else in row 17 can stretch out and relax just a little bit more, if they so please. Thank you for your cooperation. 
 Now, before anyone jumps to conclusions, no, I do n't hate you and furthermore, I do n't hate me. As a frequent traveller myself, I've had to go through the degrading process of being profiled and strip-searched and essentially had liberties taken with me as I have gone about my normal business. I've had to remove my laptop, and limit my liquids, and had strange people touch me where I do n't want to be touched, just so people can remain'safe'. They're afraid someone will create a weapon out of the smallest thing and endanger hundreds of people. They've forgotten the most dangerous weapon of all; the human mind. 
 I'm legitimately sorry that you have had to partake in this experiment, as I said before, I do n't hate you. But no one will care if an empty aircraft does the job. It would be more of a news oddity than a policy changing maneuver. I ca n't compensate you in any way, and that is my largest regret. The point of this is merely to see how the powers of the world will attempt to make your travels safer when they realise a man armed with nothing but the clothes on his back was able to take over an aircraft merely by using guile and persuasion. What will the corrective actions be? 
 And so, we are now beginning our final descent into the Los Angeles area and will be on the ground in approximately thirty minutes. So, please sit back, relax, and put your mind at ease. Thank you for flying the friendly skies! Oops, wrong airline...'' 
 
 The cockpit log only records the radio being turned off and the plane descending sharply as the autopilot is disengaged.
