[ WP ] The night before Christmas , a train drunkenly pulls up right outside your house . It 's the Bipolar Express .

**All aboard! ** 
 
 Wow! It's the Bipolar Express! And it's Creepy CGI Tom Hanks! 
 
 **Who are we marketing this movie to? ** 
 
 I know, right? Bipolar Express? Are we gon na do the Schizo Shuffle? Maybe slam some prozac and call it eggnog? 
 
 **What's that? ** 
 
 It's the nog of an egg, but that's not important right now, Creepy CGI Tom Hanks. Boy, what were you thinking when you got this script? I mean, I know you filmed Apollo 13 in zero gravity, but did you have to go sticking your dick into the uncanny valley, too? The children. You scare them. Hey, can I tell you a funny story? 
 
 **OK.** 
 
 So about damn near 20 years ago, I'm in a Burger King in St Paul, Minnesota. It does n't exist anymore, but it was on University, just down the street from the Turf Club. Anyways, I'm with my friend, we get some food, but I wan na wash my hands before I eat. I'm washing up, and there's a guy in the toilet stall, right? And he says `` Hey, excuse me, can you help me with something?'' And I'm like `` Uh...'' because I've never ever been asked a question in a BK john. But the guy, he keeps talking, he says `` I did n't realize there was no toilet paper here. Could you go tell an employee?'' 
 
 **Did you? ** 
 
 No, Creepy CGI Tom Hanks. Christ, stop looking at me. It's just so weird. Much like the guy in the stall. I went back and I ate with my friend. And we were only there for 10 minutes but the guy never came out of the bathroom. And then I felt bad. 
 
 **How bad? Like buying a money pit bad or making that awful movie with Julia Roberts bad? ** 
 
 A little of both. So I grabbed some napkins and went back in, feeling all kinds of guilty. I stuck my hand with the napkins under the stall and said `` Hey, sorry it took me so long, but when I went out to the counter, Tom Hanks walked in.'' And the guy was like `` Whoa, really?'' I and I said, `` Yeah, he said he was in town and really needed his Whopper fix.'' And they guy's like `` Wow, Tom Hanks!' And I'm all `` Bye!'' and we left without seeing the guy at all. So there may be some guy still out there telling his side of the story, that he almost met Tom Hanks but he was stuck in a Burger King shitter for almost 15 minutes. Anyhow, get off of my property. 
 
 ( Creepy CGI Tom Hanks and the Bipolar Express vanish ) 
 
 ( zoom out through space and time until screen is pure white ) 
 
 ( pull back further, it's a volleyball with a red handprint on it ) 
 
 *Man, I just had the craziest dream....*
