[ WP ] Around the world , the following message was heard : `` We would like to announce that Hell is finally empty . ''

Satan walked casually down the main boulevard, his goat hooves clacking in the emptiness. William, his favorite accountant, walked slightly behind him as he and the Dark Lord too inventory of the remaining stock. This was something that Satan did every few hundred years anyway so that he could commission more skin-flails or meat hooks, but this time it was to determine what was being left behind. 
 
 Satan turned and stopped in front of a large, wrought-iron gateway. A large sign overtop read ‘ Serial Murderers. ’ “ What does the inventory look like? ” 
 
 William pulled up his clipboard and flipped through a few pages before settling on a specific sheet. “ It looks like we still have 152 skin-flails, 499 meat hooks, 2,044 surgical knives, 212 metal-spiked dildos, and 8 rotisseries. ” 
 
 Satan raised an eyebrow, and reached into his pocket to pull out his reading glasses. Taking the clipboard from William he eyed the inventory sheet, “ Only 8 rotisseries? We used to have what, 15,000? ” 
 
 William nodded as Satan handed the clipboard back, “ Apparently they ’ re having a big celebration up there. ‘ Triumph of Good over Evil, ’ or ‘ Second Coming Party ’ or something to that affect. Lots of roasted meats. ” 
 
 Satan nodded, “ Ah, so they needed something to cook with. ” He smiled, “ Rather morbid, wouldn ’ t you say? ” 
 
 “ Yea, ” William said thoughtfully. He looked back up at Satan, “ You know you were invited right? I mean, God wouldn ’ t— “ 
 
 Satan waved his hand, “ Yes, yes, I know I was invited. God and I ’ s fights were always more for show than anything else. He needed a villain, and I was willing to take on the role. ” He pulled out a large key and inserted it into a lock on the gate, “ Nothing else, right? ” 
 
 William flipped through the sheets on the clipboard again, “ Not that I can see. K ’ laska and Azgarth were the last to clock out, and they said they cleaned and polished everything. ” He flipped through the sheets one more time to be sure, “ Nope, that looks like everything. ” 
 
 Satan smiled sadly and turned the key on the gate. The lock closed with a loud clang, and Satan stepped back. The gate began to glow, then shimmer, and finally waiver before disappearing, leaving nothing behind but some red rock, and fire pits in the distance. “ What ’ s next? ” 
 
 “ Looks like the Pathological Liars, ” William said. “ Down the main street and to the left. ” 
 
 “ I know the way, ” Satan said, and they walked. 
 
 This went on for what seemed to be years, each time Satan and William verifying the remaining inventory, occasionally cracking a dark joke about the situation, and then closing up shop. Finally, after all that remained was the main boulevard, Satan turned back to William, “ You want a drink? ” 
 
 William checked the sheets, “ I guess all that ’ s left is your place, ” he said. 
 
 Satan smiled, “ Oh I ’ m not closing that up; too many memories there. I ’ ll keep the place open for sentiments sake. ” 
 
 William nodded, “ Fair enough, ” and tossed the clipboard into a fire pit. They wouldn ’ t need it anymore. 
 
 Walking back down the main boulevard they finally arrived at Satan ’ s house and this time Satan pushed open the gates. William allowed himself another small chuckle at the “ Satan, PHD. CEO of Hell, ” wrought into the gate. 
 
 William looked around and noticed a particular absence when they got into Satan ’ s parlor, “ Where ’ s Zxxlgsah? ” 
 
 Satan waved his hand dismissively as he went over to the cupboard and pulled out a bottle of red liquid and two glasses. “ I let him retire yesterday. He was very upset, the poor fellow, as this was all he had known in his 15,000 years of service. I ’ m sure God has need of a few wait-staff so he should be fine. ” He poured William a glass, handed it to him, and then poured himself one. 
 
 William took his glass and sat down on the couch. Swirling the liquid around inside he sniffed it tentatively, “ Is this your private vintage? ” 
 
 Satan smiled as he sat in his easy chair, and gingerly sipped his own drink. “ I ’ ll give you $ 100 if you can guess. You ’ ve had time to refine your palette by now, surely. ” 
 
 William sipped tentatively, “ Female, late 1700 ’ s to early 1800 ’ s, ” he paused and sipped again, “ torture and murder? ” 
 
 Satan smiled, “ Delphine LaLaurie. Died in 1842 in France. She was a treat, let me tell you. ” He sipped his glass again, “ I suppose you got it sort of right, so you can have $ 50, ” and smiled mischievously. 
 
 William laughed and raised his glass to Satan, “ It was a good time. ” 
 
 Satan raised his glass in return, “ It was indeed. ” Setting his glass down, he reached over and picked up the receiver on a golden telephone. He dialed 3-3-3 and waited. After a moment he cleared his throat and said, “ We would like to announce that Hell is finally empty. Godspeed mankind, ” and then replaced the receiver. 
 
 “ Well, ” William said, “ That ’ s that. Interested in going to the party? ” 
 
 “ In a few minutes, ” Satan said as he leaned back in his chair and sipped at his drink again, “ let ’ s just enjoy the quiet for a few minutes. It has been so very long since Hell was quiet. ”
