[ WP ] A billionaire hires two contract-killers to murder each other for sadistic entertainment . Describe how the hit-men discover the ploy , team up , and kill their employer .

I ’ m a lazy man. I bank online, shop once a month at SaveCo, and I have a Prime membership which I use to repeat order for items like toilet paper when I don ’ t want to get in the car. What do I do with my free time? Well, let ’ s just say that Wikipedia does not write itself, hmm-K? Oh. One more thing. I make my living as a contract killer. How many have I killed? Zero. Yeah, no crap. I ’ m a virgin. How do I do it? I ’ m lazy, remember, I subcontract out. This is a story about how that saved my life. 
 
 I work mainly for a guy named Mike. Not Big Mike or Red Mike, or Boss Mike, just Mike. He seemed like a normal guy. He was the SO, that ’ s security officer not significant other, for Initech, a tech company in in the local business park. Every so often he contracted me to take out some startup guy who was asking a bit too much for a buyout. 
 
 I took his money and gave half to one of my girls to finish the job. No, I don ’ t use girls because they are sexy, I use them because they are moms who need the money. Also, have you looked at the murder conviction rates for women in their mid-thirties? Exactly. Keyser Soze they are not. Anyway, Mike calls me up last week and tells me to take out some guy named Tom Smykowski who won ’ t part with his new invention. I fire up my modem and relay the target info over email to my best girl. 
 
 Here ’ s the kicker. About an hour later Jen calls me back. “ Pete ” she says, “ I got three things to tell you. First, I ’ ve been taking some work on the side hitting for another man, second, that guy ’ s name is Tom Smykowski. ” I ’ m stunned but not too dumb that I can ’ t count and hold my tongue. “ Pete, third thing, Tom sent me an email listing you as a target. You ’ re supposed to have invented some new banking software or something. ” 
 
 I start to speak when she cuts me off. She says she ’ s out, she doesn ’ t want anything more to do with it. The last thing she does is connect me with Tom. She does a three way call and he ’ s on the line. Before he can say hello she hangs up. We ’ re alone. 
 
 Tom introduces himself, his voice nasally. I can tell he doesn ’ t exercise much so, if we have to fight, at least we ’ ll be on even terms. He tells me he works for a guy named Mike and Mike wants me dead. I confirm the same. Tom says what we are both thinking first. “ Pete, I don ’ t want to kill you but I ’ m a bit pissed at Mike right now. I think he has to go. ” 
 
 I smile into the phone. “ Tom ” I say, “ Don ’ t you worry about it. I ’ ll take care of Mike. ” He thanks me, makes sure I ’ m not going to be gunning for him, and hangs up. Simple as that. I flip the modem on and hear it ’ s familiar tones connecting me to the web. Jen won ’ t do the job but there is a girl named Anne that used to do jobs for me. What can I say, I ’ m lazy.
