[ WP ] You have just been told that you are the last human being who will ever have to die .

And just as she had appeared, the angel disappeared. 
 
 `` That was weird,'' I commented aloud. `` Was it even real?'' 
 
 `` What?'' the angel's voice said from behind me. `` Bitch, just turn around. I'm still here. Goddamn. I ca n't believe God chose you as the last person I have to deal with. How can you be 750 lbs, bro? I mean, for real. You should be dead already!'' 
 
 `` Are you mad at me? I mean, I can hear it in the tone of your voice, but I ca n't tell.'' 
 
 `` Oh, you're a useless motherfucker!'' I heard my front door creak open and then slam shut. 
 
 `` I assume she left...?'' Just checking. No response. `` Wow. Last human alive. That's going to be amazing!'' 
 
 I thought of all the possibilities. No lines at the fast food restaurants, no lines to the movies, no lines at GameStop, no lines at WWE events. Man, that'd be great! 
 
... Wait. No people in line also means no people serving food or selling games or wrasslin'. 
 
 `` Holy bitch cunt! What the fuck?!'' I yelled at the top of my lungs. 
 
 I heard a knock on the door. `` You okay there, buddy?'' I heard Gary call. 
 
 `` No, dude,'' I responded. `` I'm stressing out!'' 
 
 Gary opened the door and I heard him walk in. `` I brought you some leftover Chili's.'' 
 
 `` Thanks, Gary,'' I said. I think I was hyperventilating, but it could have also been that I was simply out of breath from all the movement I'd been doing since the angel left. I mean, I had moved at least a solid 2 inches on the couch. 
 
 `` Hey, look at you!'' Gary happily said. `` You moved a bit! I have n't seen you move on your own in at least 5 years!'' 
 
 He handed me the leftover meal and a plastic fork. `` Gary,'' I sighed, grabbing the food container from him and immediately swallowing everything in it without the fork. `` I do n't think you understand how serious this shit is.'' 
 
 `` What shit? Did you shit yourself again, Clint?'' he asked. 
 
 `` What? No,'' I responded. `` Okay, well, maybe a little, but that's not what I mean.'' 
 
 Gary stopped smiling. He could tell I was seriously stressed. `` I should probably mention that Gary is my childhood friend. After someone hacked my WoW account many years ago and I lost all will to live, he began checking on me everyday to make sure I did n't off myself. I had always been a chunky fellow, but I gained significant weight over the years after all that drama. Gary lived in the apartment across the hall with his wife Shauna. They had a couple kids, too, but I could never remember their fucking names. They were some ugly bitches, those kids. I just could n't figure out how two attractive people like Gary and Shauna created such ugly kids. Even if I were a child molester, which I'm most certainly not, I would n't fuck his kids with a 10 foot dildo.'' 
 
 `` Bro, what?'' Gary asked. `` You know I can hear you, right? You're doing that shitty'out loud' narration again.'' 
 
 `` My bad, man, I said,'' I said. 
 
 Gary rolled his eyes and asked, `` Anyway, what's eating you, Clint?'' 
 
 I told him about the angel's visit and what she told me. Word-for-word. 
 
 `` So, yeah, she said,'I do n't know how this will work, with you being a nasty fat bastard and all, but you're going to be the last human to ever die,''' I told my good friend. 
 
 He shook his head. `` C'mon, man,'' he said. `` I ca n't deal with another one of your stories.'' 
 
 Suddenly, the bathroom door creaked. We heard the toilet flush. Gary looked around me and towards the bathroom behind me. His eyes widened and his jaw dropped. `` Holy shit,'' he whispered. 
 
 `` You're out of toilet paper,'' I heard the voice announce from behind me. It sounded like the angel from earlier. 
 
 `` Is that you Holy Bitch Cunt?'' I asked. 
 
 `` Yes,'' she said. She must've spotted Gary because she began walking towards us. Plus, she asked, `` Who the fuck is this guy?'' 
 
 `` Oh, this is Gary. He's my friend,'' I answered. 
 
 Holy Bitch Cunt walked over. I could see her, but only if I turned my head slightly to the left. 
 
 `` Gary,'' I said to my visibly stunned friend. `` This is Holy Bitch Cunt.'' 
 
 He finally closed his mouth, looked at me, looked back at the angel, then fainted. 
 
 `` Oh, fuck!'' Holy Bitch Cunt yelled. `` Is he going to be okay?'' 
 
 Gary had landed on my fluffy Hannah Montana ~~sex~~ decorative doll. `` He'll be fine,'' I replied. `` Maybe a little sticky, but nothing he ca n't clean off. I think.'' 
 
 I asked HBC why she was still in my apartment. 
 
 `` The fuck you mean why?'' she shouted. 
 
 `` I thought you left,'' I replied. 
 
 `` Nah, you ugly fuck,'' she said. `` I just had to use the bathroom.'' 
 
 `` Oh.'' 
 
 HBC remarked that she better make sure Gary was n't dead. She walked over and checked his pulse. He was fine. Maybe a little sticky, but nothing he could n't clean off. 
 
 `` I have to ask,'' I said to Cunt. `` Why me? Why did God choose me?'' 
 
 `` I do n't know if you've seen a mirror lately, fam, but you're stupid fat,'' she answered. HBC checked Gary's pockets and decided to take the handful of coins he had. `` Broke-ass bitch,'' she muttered. 
 
 `` Okay, I know I'm a little fat...'' 
 
 `` A *little*?'' 
 
 `` Yeah.'' 
 
 `` Okay...'' She rolled her eyes. 
 
 `` Like I was saying,'' I continued. `` I'm aware that I need to lose a few lbs...'' 
 
 `` A few?'' 
 
 `` Please let me finish, Bitch!'' 
 
 `` Okay, go ahead.'' 
 
 `` Ugh... So as I was saying... I'm fully aware that I do n't have a healthy body, but why exactly did God choose me? Did he decide to let me suffer last? Is this my Hell on Earth?'' 
 
 Holy B. Cunt laughed, `` Dramatic-ass motherfucker.'' 
 
 `` I'm being serious, lady,'' I angrily said. `` Why me? Why am I meant to be the last person who ever dies?'' 
 
 `` Dies? Boy, what? Were you even listening earlier?!'' 
 
 `` Yeah,'' I responded. `` You said I was gon na be last the person to die.'' 
 
 `` No, you dumb fuck,'' Holy replied. `` I SAID YOU'LL BE THE LAST PERSON TO **DIET**!!!'' 
 
 I looked at the angel with a confused look. 
 
 I asked, `` Okay...? What's the difference?''
