[ wp ] after dying god informs you that hell is a myth , and `` everyone sins , its ok '' . instead the dead are sorted into six `` houses of heaven '' based on the sins they chose .

This is my first post on Reddit ever. Thanks to /u/Luna_Lovewell for inspiring me to write this. Note: Adult ( probably PG-13 level ) content. 
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 Part 1 of 3: 
 
 I died as I lived. In my fantasies, that meant dying during a drug-fueled orgy featuring the love ( s ) of my life, plus several attractive models and athletes of various genders. In reality, that meant that after a long day staring at a computer screen at work, I went home and had a massive heart attack while playing Civilization V. 
 
 Did I have any regrets? Too many to count. 
 
 Upon arrival in heaven, I found myself filled with joy and the Spirit of the Lord. I was here! In life I had never quite been able to believe in God, or any other gods, for that matter. I had feared that, in death, we would simply cease to exist ( or, when I was being optimistic, that we would become one with nature, or the life force of the planet ). I had always meant to ask other atheists and agnostics how they dealt with this fear, but I had never gotten around to doing so -- like so many other things. 
 
 But now I was in heaven -- Heaven, even! Standing upon what appeared to be a cloud, the `` pearly'' gates gleamed and glimmered in all the colors of the rainbow, with a silvery, opalescent shine. Below them stood an tall old man. He wore a white robe and leather thong sandals, and carried a shepherd's crook. His hair and beard gleamed silvery white. He nodded at me and smiled. `` WELCOME, MY CHILD. YOU HAVE TRAVELED FAR.'' I could feel His voice in my very bones, as if no ears were necessary to hear it. It was deep, rich, and velvety -- laden with supernatural authority. After a moment, I realized that I had heard this voice many times before. 
 
 `` God?'' I asked. He nodded. `` Why do you sound like Morgan Freeman?'' 
 
 His laugh was rich, and boomed like distant thunder. `` MY SWEET CHILD, ALTHOUGH YOU ARE AS CLEVER AS ANY OF MY CREATIONS, NO HUMAN CAN WITNESS MY TRUE SPLENDOR. YOU SIMPLY SEE THE PARTS OF ME WHICH YOU EXPECT TO SEE. I APPEAR IN THIS FASHION TO MANY SOULS FROM YOUR ERA. 
 
 `` So, you're saying,'this is n't even your final form?''' 
 
 `` HUMOR. A COMMON RESPONSE TO FEAR.'' 
 
 `` Perhaps I would be less afraid if you were less intimidating and Old Testament-patriarchal?'' At this, God's form began to change, becoming slender and nearly naked, and bearing a strong resemblance to a certain female musician. As She began to speak, I realized that Her voice had softened, as well. 
 
 `` All I really want is to make you feel welcome, My child. However, as you ought to know, more dogmatic individuals than you would find the suggestion that I would take this form to be deeply offensive. Ironic, is it not?'' 
 
 I nodded, and put one hand in my pocket, feeling far more at ease. `` Perfect. Thank you.'' As I said this, my fingers touched a metal object that I had not noticed before. I pulled a shining silver key from my pocket. 
 
 `` Come forth and enter, for yours in the Kingdom of Heaven.'' She gestured to the ornate lock at the center of the pearly gates. 
 
 I inserted the key into the lock, turned it, and was rewarded with a deeply-satisfying click. The gates swung open, and then gradually dissolved. We now stood upon a great grassy meadow, bounded by tall hedgerows. It was dotted with trees bearing all manner of fruit, under which lay rocks in the shape of tables and benches deeply-cushioned with emerald moss. Birdsong drifted over us on a gentle wind. 
 
 God gestured expansively, `` In the early days of the universe, My rules were harsh. In time, however, I realized that forbidding certain fruits only encourages many of My children to partake of them. In this garden, you may sample the fruits of knowledge as often as you wish. In heaven, the peace of God will always be with you,'' She smiled, `` and also with your spirit.'' 
 
 I nodded, feeling a sense of peace wash over me. `` This is wonderful, but I see no other people.'' 
 
 `` Yes. This is the oldest part of Heaven. It is now perhaps more of a lobby than a true dwelling place for souls. Nonetheless, it is still enjoyed by many.'' She gestured behind me as she spoke. I turned and saw in the distance a large party of men and women in regency-era attire picnicking beneath an ancient oak. Some laughed and drank wine, while others simply lay in the grass reading and making an occasional comment to their companions. 
 
 God continued, `` After creating this first part of Heaven, I realized that many of My aims were at odds with one another. Original sin was a product of this. Instilling my children with both earthly desires and free will meant that few, other than infants, could live a sinless life. When My children began to join Me here, I was faced with a choice: remove the earthly desires that led to their sinning -- essentially making emotionless angels out of men -- or simply accept My children as they were. My love for My children led Me to choose the latter. I love all of My children, sinners though they may be.'' Her smile was like unto a sunrise. 
 
 I cleared my throat -- an act which seemed like it should have been unnecessary in Heaven. `` But what about people who have committed grave or cardinal sins, or those whom we might call'evil.' Does Hitler have a place in Heaven?'' 
 
 `` For some sinners, I have undertaken rehabilitation programs with... varying degrees of success. Given time, however, even these children will come to understand the error of their ways.'' She began to walk toward one of the hedgerows that bounded the great meadow. `` For My children of what you call the'modern' era, I have devised six circles of Heaven. Each circle represents the range of sins and misdeeds which My children have committed, as well as their virtues. Some sinners are assigned a dwelling place within a given circle. Others, like you, are guilty of a variety of lesser, venal sins -- for which I forgive you -- and are permitted to choose your place of dwelling. All are permitted to travel between these circles, or to the Garden,'' she gestured to the meadow behind us, `` but are returned to their own dwelling each night.'' 
 
 This surprised me. `` A curfew? But why?'' 
 
 `` While I wish to provide all of my children with their fill of both earthly and heavenly delights, in doing so, it is My desire to gradually free you all from sin without affecting your free will. Your circle and your dwelling are designed to help you in that process. Shall we examine your choices?'' 
 
 I nodded, still awed by Her presence, but feeling increasingly wary, as well. 
 
 `` Good. Although the choice is yours, I believe that this first circle may be the best fit for you.'' God led me to a gap between two hedgerows. Atop two cigar-shaped pillars, stood an arch that appeared to have been wrought from stainless steel. The shining words appeared to be in every language at once. After a moment looking at them, I squeezed my eyes shut against the sensory overload. Behind my eyelids, I could still read the after-image of the words: `` Tomorrow Land.'' 
 
 God placed her hand on my shoulder, and the pain lifted. `` The Ur-language of Babel. You may now read and speak it without further discomfort.'' When I opened my eyes again, I saw the the pillars were made in the form of stylized rockets. God gestured, and we stepped through the arch... finding ourselves in another garden. Before us stood a massive iron-and-glass building twenty stories high, and nearly a mile in length. There were full-size trees and entire streets and `` outdoor'' markets within the greenhouse-like building, and I could make out people in a various styles of dress strolling on balconies and catwalks on the upper levels. 
 
 `` The Crystal Palace,'' God said. `` Built in London for the Great Exhibition of 1851 -- though this version is somewhat larger than the original.'' 
 
 `` But I thought this circle would be about the future.'' 
 
 `` It is. Or rather, it is about the future as My children from the modern era saw it.'' Without having noticed any transition, I realized that had entered the Palace and were now walking down the Grand Promenade. The other pedestrians were dressed in clothes ranging from the Revolutionary-era ( American or French -- I was n't a fashion historian ) to bizarre styles that must have been created decades after I was born. Still others wore garb more appropriate for a steampunk novel or a science fiction convention. Despite God's presence, they seemed to take little notice of us. 
 
 I cleared my throat again. `` Please forgive me if this question is impertinent, but what does all of this have to do with sin?'' 
 
 God smiled softly -- a candle to her earlier sunrise. As if on cue, we passed a Victorian brothel doing a booming trade. Next door was a raucous tavern advertising gin distilled on-site. Most patrons drank from large crystal tumblers, while a few were engaged in a fistfight that seemed on the verge of spreading to the neighboring establishments -- which consisted of an ale house ( `` Sunday roast served daily! `` ), a cheese shop ( `` Toutes les fromages Europeens! `` ), and the aforementioned brothel ( `` People of every preference welcome! Expert massages and napping areas available!'' ). 
 
 We turned a corner and the noise dimmed. God said, `` It is very rare indeed for one of My children to commit only one type of sin. It is common, however, for all of my children to want that which they can not have. For this reason, you might argue that envy lies at the heart of all sins.'' 
 
 `` Not pride?'' I asked. 
 
 She shook Her head, `` Pride is another matter altogether.'' 
 

