[ WP ] An excerpt from the most cliché young adult novel

`` You are not like them'', Gary said. `` You are different.'' 
 
 `` I am?'' I asked, confused. Around Gary, I was always confused. 
 
 `` Yes, Belle, you are.'' 
 
 I shook my head. `` I'm just a regular girl, confused and a bit dissatisfied with the world I live in, like every girl my age. I got this slight feeling that I'm special, sure, but so does every other teenager. Really, I'm normal as they come.'' 
 
 `` Exactly.'' 
 
 `` I mean, I'd wear Morrissey shirts, if The Smiths existed in our fictional world.'' 
 
 Gary nodded again. `` Yes. You are normal and bland. Boring, even. A perfect blank slate. Something every single reader can identify with and think *'I am special, for I am just like the special protagonist'*.'' 
 
 `` But if everyone thinks they are special, does n't that defeat the very purp –'' 
 
 `` Just go with it, Belle. Do n't question these things.'' 
 
 I sighed, tired. `` Fine. What do I have to do?'' 
 
 `` Something absolutely awful and horrendous that no humane society would ever in a million years make people do just for the sake of adventure. It's going to be a death match with other teenagers.'' 
 
 `` Fuck. Really?'' 
 
 `` Do n't say fuck. Ca n't say fuck in a YA.'' 
 
 `` Sorry. Crap. Really?'' 
 
 `` Hey, it was either this or going through the Triwizard Tournament just for the sake of you touching a trophy that's going to transport you to a cemetery, when the person who turned the trophy into a portkey could just as well have 
 turned any other object around you to a portkey during the whole school year at Hogwarts and saved about 500 pages of what's arguably the weakest installment of the Potter series.'' 
 
 `` You know, there's not one part of this sentence I do n't need explained.'' 
 
 `` Just forget it. Go get ready for the death match.'' 
 
 I nodded. It's silly, I know, but all of a sudden, I was worried. `` Gary… Wait…'' 
 
 `` What?'' 
 
 `` What if I die?'' 
 
 And Gary rolled his eyes at me. `` You're not going to die, Belle. You're the main character.'' 
 
 `` Are you sure?'' 
 
 `` Oh, it's going to look like you are gon na die, a bunch of times. You might even actually die, but then you'll do 
 some voodoo crap and just go back to life with no good explanation at all. Man, I'm angry at Rowling today.'' 
 
 `` What?'' 
 
 `` Relax. You're not going to die. If anything, you'll probably even live longer in the movies, since they're likely to do two films out of the last book no matter how unnecessary that sounds.'' 
 
 Gary, he had a way of calming me with his soft, confident tone and his reassuring smile. Even when he talked nonsense, like he was now. Again, I nodded. `` Thanks, Gary.'' 
 
 `` Now go get ready to do stuff that has been done better a thousand times before so we can take money off of 
 gullible people.'' 
 
 We hugged, and I turned back to leave. Suddenly, though, a thought crossed my mind. 
 
 `` Hey, Gary…'' I said, turning back to him. 
 
 `` Yeah?'' 
 
 `` You know how I date Mike, and he's all strong and tanned and nice to me?'' 
 
 `` Yeah…'' 
 
 `` And how you are thin and pale, but cute in a rebel kind of way, and you treat me like shit in a charming manner?'' 
 
 `` Sure…'' 
 
 I took another step towards him, feeling my cheeks blush. `` Well... what if we start having feelings for each other? And weird PG-13 sexual tension moments between us? And then maybe Mike finds out, and stuff even gets a bit homoerotic between the two of you? What if all that happens?'' 
 
 Gary took a deep breath. He rubbed his eyes with his hand, then pulled long, blonde locks of hair away from his 
 face. His emerald blue eyes pierced me like a bad metaphor. 
 
 `` Damn. Robert Pattinson is playing me in the movie, is n't he?'' He asked, in a tired voice. 
 
 `` Probably'', I answered. 
 
 And then we made out and subtextually fucked like rabbits. 
 
 ______________________________ 
 
 EDIT: Check out [ this amazing reading ] ( http: //vocaroo.com/i/s0uLLao3Nbld ) of the story by /u/theinadequategatsby for the best sounding British accent you'll hear today. 
 
 *Thanks for reading! For more stories ( and the YA-dystopian-future novel I'm currently writing -- yes, for real ), check out /r/psycho_alpaca = ) * 

