[ WP ] You live in a world where suicide is illegal . There is a division of law enforcement that travels to the afterlife to catch people that committed suicide and then bring them back to serve time in prison . You just killed yourself and someone is chasing you , but it 's not the cops .

I pressed my back against the gray stone, the cold touch sending shivers down my spine. I could see Charon, his ferryboat heavily guarded by a dozen cops as he waited on the bank of the River Styx. There was the Underworld, just a couple hundred yards away. I just had to distract the cops for a moment and then I could convince Charon to take me across. I rubbed my lucky golden dollar; more than enough to pay the toll. All of a sudden, my breath caught in my throat as my pursuers rushed past my hiding place. 
 
 *What the fuck*... I thought to myself. *Those are n't cops*. None of them were in uniform and all seemed vaguely familiar. It was supposed to be cops after me. At least that's what all the Returned had said. If you committed suicide, they would set out after you the moment they found your body. I had taken care to choose a desolate location, far off from the frequented roads, but some Girl Scouts must have stumbled across my body or something. *Fucking amateur*, I scolded myself, noting that I should have asked Siri how to best hide a body. 
 
 Except these were n't cops, which seemed to mean that I was n't going to be sent back to Earth. In fact, there were no cops chasing me at all. I probably could have strolled right up to old Charon with my golden dollar on my tongue and been taken right across. I squinted, straining to see through the grayness. *Everything is so damn gray down here*. I could barely tell what color skin my pursuers had... but that shorter guy with the toothbrush mustache seemed so familiar... I racked my brain trying to think of where I had seen him. As he turned, I saw the swastika on his armband. *Why the fuck is Hitler chasing me? * I cursed my luck. The dude had killed a bunch of people and now he wanted to capture me? This did n't make any sense. Nor would it turn out nicely if they caught me. 
 
 I scowled and peeked around the stone again. Kanye West? It could be nobody else. He was spouting some nonsense about his greatness and how `` we'' needed me back. *Who the hell is we? Where are the damned cops? * I felt that they would put an immediate end to this nonsense. I mean, Hitler and Kanye hanging out? Them and a half-dozen other people who all seemed vaguely familiar. *Ronald Reagan? * I rubbed my eyes, convinced that I was imagining things. Falling off the tree and landing on my head must have really messed me up. *Some Illuminati level conspiracy shit... * I mumbled to myself before gasping a bit too loudly. One of them turned around towards the sound and I recognized Tupac. I frowned, thinking to myself whether this meant he was dead or alive. Not that it mattered at this point, we were all in some weird in-between at the moment. 
 
 *The Illuminati... * I mumbled to myself again. *The Illuminati is after me. * It all made sense. After years spent scouring the depths of the Internet searching for evidence and then posting it on Reddit just to be laughed at, I had finally snapped and ended my life, taking all my work with me. *I must have hit something... Illuminati confirmed, * I said to myself with a chuckle. *And they must fear the cops bringing me back to Earth to confirm it... * 
 
 I peeked around the corner, letting out a sigh of relief as I saw that the group had started moving downriver in hopes of finding me. When they were sufficiently far away, I carefully crept out from behind my cover and started crawling towards Charon. He was eyeing me strangely, and I figured I must paint a rather odd figure crawling towards the River Styx when my feet worked perfectly fine. *Quit judging, old man. You probably deal with more crazy people than a celebrity therapist. * The cops starting patting me down before I could open my mouth, making sure I was n't smuggling any of the forbidden items into the afterlife. `` You're going to have to leave your water bottle,'' one of them ordered me. 
 
 `` Why? It's just water... Look, I'll even drink it.'' I took a sip to prove myself and he shrugged. 
 
 `` Security risk, sorry. Rules are rules. Leave the water and you're free to board.'' 
 
 `` ***GOSH***'' I pouted and tossed it on the ground next to the razors and toothpaste that other people had left. Then I remembered I did n't want to go to the afterlife. I had to get back to Earth. `` Guys, I committed suicide. I need to go back to Earth.'' 
 
 The cops gave me tired looks before glancing at each other and nodding. Before I could even move, they had clipped a pair of handcuffs around my wrists and forcibly thrown me onto the boat. `` Nice try, buddy. Did you really think you would be the first who wanted to go back? Have a good forever.'' I stared at them in horror as Charon pushed the small boat away from the shore. 
 
 `` How are you feeling?'' He asked me as he tenderly helped me up and I looked at him like he was the mentally handicapped spawn of Chris Brown and Kim Kardashian. 
 
 `` Dead?'' I half asked and half told him. He nodded, as if this was the expected answer. I heard a yell behind me and turned to see Kanye West leading a charge of Ben Bernanke, Obama and Bill Gates towards me, casting spells as they ran. `` Damn! Imagine being a motherfucking sorcerer!'' I yelled to Charon who ignored me as he dutifully ducked from the spells and rowed the boat a bit more urgently towards the Underworld. I started wondering why they wanted to keep me from crossing now... Dead people were no risk to them, right? 
 
 `` If he speaks to God, we're screwed!'' I heard Obama yell to Tupac. *Dammit, * I thought to myself. So God is not the leader of the Illuminati. Back to the drawing board. 
 
 ***** 
 
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