[ WP ] A group of intelligent and extremely sophisticated cannibals are trying to convince you to let them eat you . You know you should be scared , after all they do want to eat you but ... damn it , they make it sound so *sensible* .

When I woke up, I found myself bound to chair. And that chair had four metal bolts going into the concrete. Of course, this led me to believe that I've been involved in a kidnapping. 
 
 By who? My money, based on how the room was kept dark, along with the projector screen a few feet from my chair, was an off-the-books government research cell. That could n't be too bad. I'd maybe see some nasty pictures, my brain analyzed by a bunch of cords spooling from a metal helmet. I waited in the darkness for someone to come and begin so I could get back to scrapbooking. 
 
 `` Hello?'' I called. `` I'm awake!'' 
 
 A stout man that looked ready for a black tie optional came strolling into the room. The genial smile on his face belied the fact he was n't from the government -- he was obviously not distancing himself from my discomfort. His eyes spoke of great empathy. 
 
 `` Ah, we knew. We thought it best to give you time -- you're about to go through a *very* important phase of your life, Mr. Mac.'' 
 
 Uh oh. I think I had an idea of what I was dealing with. Sorry to admit it: I panicked, tugging against my bindings till my wrists started to chafe. 
 
 `` No!'' I screamed. `` Not the *Group of Surprisingly Understanding and Sensible Cannibals! *'' I was mincemeat for sure! The GSUSC was a group of maneaters who, in spite of their murderous intent, managed to lobby politicians and build over thirty tax-free institutions across the U.S. I never dreamed of being selected for their awful'hunt', the term they used to describe the ultimate persuasion: if I could n't resist their arguments, I'd be served up on a platter. What tactics did they have in store? 
 
 My stout cannibal reached into his pocket and removed a remote. With it, he flicked on the projector. 
 
 My animal instincts kicked in, reviving my struggle against my bindings. `` *NO, NOT A POWERPOINT PRESENTATION! *'' 
 
 It had effects. Oh god, oh god, was that the'light bulbs on blackboard' style? That was the quirkiest and most down-to-Earth theme! The title came up using a star transition, and made a sort of hipster-ironic remark by using comic sans. They studied me beforehand. I could n't resist a chuckle at the self-awareness of the cannibals. I scanned the title with my eyes. 
 
 *Why you should let us, -- * 
 
 Cue hilarious clip art of a zombie biting into his own leg 
 
 *eat you! * 
 
 Clip art of happy boy wearing a baseball cap. 
 
 `` Hello, my name is Mr. Jones. You may call me Ebert, though. Today, I want to discuss with you the benefits of being cannibalized. Of course, before we can hold a real talk on the issue, we must answer a few of those pesky questions you likely have at this point.'' 
 
 *Click* 
 
 * If I get cannibalized, wo n't I die? 
 
 FALSE! The body is chock full of unnecessary organs and limbs ripe for donation. Why keep your appendix inside your body, out of the public eye, when you can give it to a group who truly appreciates it? 
 
 * How will I be compensated for my donation? 
 
 YOU WO N'T. Donations have to come from the sincerity of the heart, or else we will be unable to use it to sustain Lear'mak the Third Coming of Apotheosis. 
 
 `` But wait, who's that?'' I asked. My eyes popped open with horror; I got tricked by a clever slide animation that transitioned from the main questions, into a slide dedicated to this Lear'mak -- the question I asked headed the slide, of all things. The responsive change made me feel as though these cannibals really wanted me to understand. It warmed my thrumming heart. 
 
 * But wait, who's that? 
 
 Lear'mak is our resident demon in charge of accepting sacrifices! He is a great beast, with oxen legs and a torso covered in snake scales that are warm to the touch. His head has the fur of a fox, and is very comfy to the touch. He personally loves to play Pebble Beach ( getting closer to that par every day! ) -- 
 
 A gif of this monstrosity appeared on the screen. He gave a smile that could fracture souls with its unimaginable horror as he swung a four iron. The shot went straight onto the green, which made Lear'mak do a fist-pump with his many spider-like arms. 
 
 -- and playing the daily word scramble with the younger members of our group. 
 
 * Will I meet him? 
 
 YES! Often, Lear'mak will be so appreciative of your donation, he will send you into a new world of unimaginable pleasure! 
 
 I blinked. `` So that's how it is.'' 
 
 Ebert stopped the presentation. `` Yes?'' 
 
 `` That unimaginable pleasure thing is your only real argument, is n't it.'' 
 
 `` We needed some initiative in order to meet quotas.'' 
 
 I sighed. `` In the future you should just lead with that.'' I raised my hand up, gesturing for Ebert to put a pen in my hand. `` So is just an appendix fine? I wanted to finish my scrapbook by six...'' 
 
 

