[ WP ] You live in a world were a drug exists that allows you to have an out of body experience converse with a dead family member . After months of speculation you decide to take the drug to have on final conversation with your son who committed suicide

`` Joshua, you never let me know...'' I looked him in the eye, this was hard to say: ``... know... why?'' 
 
 He held my gaze for a moment and then looked away. 
 
 `` Why did I eat the shotgun.'' He snorted derisively, then Joshua's sharp glare fixed back on me. `` Did you... *see* the world, Dad?'' 
 
 I stared back at him quizically. 
 
 `` Dad, did you *see*. The state. Of the world?'' 
 
 `` Son, the world was never a thing any of us could change... it's we who have to change to suit *it*, your mother and I spent so much time trying to teach y-'' 
 
 `` Dad, I...'' he swallowed, tears welled up in his eyes, `` I did n't want to be a part of it anymore.'' He shook his head. `` The deciet, the... hypocracy, the... the pain, Dad - and for what?'' 
 
 His gaze fell on the distant horizon. 
 
 `` So I could live life as a perpetual robot? A vegetable who's only purpose was to work like a dog and watch over half of what little I made go to a state that would just as soon throw me in jail for what, excercising the little bit of freedom I was alotted?'' He rolled his eyes and shrugged emphatically, `` The rules, the laws, the abuse, the constant criticism and lack of empathy, the...'' He broke off, stared at the ground, steadied himself. 
 
 `` Dad, you saw what my past three girlfreinds tried to pull on me. You *saw* - you *saw* what Jenny did to me with her suicide threats - the manipulative baiting and attempts to string me up by my own compassion, how that whittled me down inside - then came Kersty - and you *saw* what *she* pulled on me with her constant cheating... and then when Francine came along and I thought I'd finally met the right one for me - only to have more of the crazy suicide threats start up *yet again*...'' he let out an enormous sigh, `` I tried to accomodate them - they told me they'd all been abused as children, Dad, I tried to be strong for them and show them what love was and what respect was but... they completely abused everything I was trying to do for them - and afterwards? After those three? I did n't want nothing from nobody anymore. I withdrew completely, after five years of that the stress of the... the constant threat of them suiciding - it was just too much Dad.'' 
 
 We looked out over the sprawling meadow before us. 
 
 `` And you saw how down I was when my best friend Ben's wife died in the car accident after that... I mean she was... it was horrible, they literally had to scrape what was left of her off the road,'' his voice collapsed in on itself like a house of cards, and he sobbed, ``... Then to top it all off Mom came along and disowned & disinherited me for being completely confused and depressed about it all, she cut me off from the family... Dad I... there was nowhere else to turn...'' 
 
 `` Son, your mother says she never disowned you - you wrote about that in your suicide note, we did n't know what you were talking ab-'' 
 
 `` Of course she says that *now*, Dad - now that I'm gone I'm sure she makes up one fairy tale after the next about how generous and loving she was,'' he sniffed, `` but we both know that's not true,'' he looked at me with his mouth open, with his whole face open, `` we *both* know she's a narcissistic monster, Dad. We *both* know gaslighting was her favorite weapon and what a cruel and callous person she is,'' he collapsed into my arms and I held my son's ethereal bulk as he let out a lifetime of sobs and frustration. 
 
 `` I'm so sorry Dad, I never meant to hurt you,'' he cried, `` I.. I just could n't take the negativity anymore, `` he sputtered, `` and the news on tv was always a constant stream of how everything was going to shit, how our world was just chipping away, democracy fragmenting away,'' his words came like tormented sobs piercing my heart, ``... and then I lost my job and I lost everything, I... I just did n't want to be part of it all anymore, I'm so sorry if I hurt you..'' he gripped me in his embrace and squeezed me tightly, I felt a lump the size of a baseball swell up in my throat and my eyes welled over. 
 
 We sat like this for a while. 
 
 He pulled back eventually, his palm wiping away tears, `` it... it's not so bad here, though,'' he sighed, `` we have.. blackjack.. and... there's whores and...'' he shrugged, ``... blow...'' 
 
 `` What?'' 
 
 `` Well it's... only on fridays, we all join up to go-'' 
 
 `` Son, you're doing blow up here? With hookers?'' 
 
 He wiped his tears again, `` Well yeah, it's... you know, Peruvian toot... not bad quality, keeps up the morale... and.. there's no money here, so it does n't cost anything...'' 
 
 `` Son, I...'' I was unsure of what I should say. `` Son, drugs are bad, m'kay?'' 
 
 `` Right Dad, you're right... `` 
 
 But I could feel mine start to wear off. I could feel it all starting to slip away. I felt my son slipping away, backwards through a tunnel of light behind him... a single tear welled up, descended down his cheek and detached from his face - it wobbled towards the ground in slow motion - lazily containing a stark, curved replica of the world that ruptured on impact. 
 
 When I came to, I was on the livingroom couch. 
 
 I sat for an hour, eventually sobbing into the pale moonlight by the window. 
 
 Then I got up and walked over to the fireplace. 
 
 I'd given Joshua that shotgun for his 25th birthday. It sat on the gun-rack, gleaming in the moonlight. 
 
 I took the shotgun from its rack above the fireplace and pumped in one round of buckshot. 
 
 The barrel tasted like copper.
