[ WP ] You win $ 5000 a week for life off of a scratch off . The lottery commision sends an assassin after you because it 's a cheaper payout .

Strange things have been happening to me all day. First, I found a scratch off on the ground. I had won 5000 dollars a week for life. Huh. Figuring it was already cashed, I walked into the store and actually managed to claim it. But that's not even the strangest thing that happened. 
 
 Later that afternoon, figuring I'd treat myself to some homemade pumpkin pie, I was about to go into the supermarket when some annoying kid ran past me and grabbed the pumpkin I was about to take. Little fucker. He ran off with it to his mother, too. And then the pumpkin exploded in their shopping cart. Ha. Serves him right. I heard some really loud swearing coming from the ceiling but did n't think much of it. 
 
 Then later, at the register, I sneezed so hard I flinched, and when I opened my eyes a poison dart was sticking out of the cashier's neck. More swearing from the ceiling. Neat, free groceries! 
 
 I took a shortcut home through the shadier part of town, since they had n't paid me yet and I did n't have enough for the bus. I got mugged in an alley, and the guy just would n't believe that I spent my last ten bucks on a big ass pumpkin. Well, I guess I would n't have believed me either. But as he was approaching me, knife in hand, he just exploded. Like, a long time ago, turns out a war was maybe fought in this town? I do n't know, I'm not a huge history buff. Again, more swearing, from behind a dumpster this time. 
 
 When I got home, I noticed a few wires on the ground. I think it was from when I pulled out the blender to make some protein shakes earlier. Sucks, to accidentally break your appliances, so I carefully stepped over them ( blenders have, like, a fuckton of wires these days I swear ), and went to watch TV. My TV was busted too- when I hit the remote, it exploded into a million shards, landing everywhere in the room but the couch where I was sitting. 
 
 `` I fucking give up!'' It was the voice from the roof. `` Forget secrecy. Forget you! Just DIE!'' A man brandishing a gun ran into my house. 
 
 `` Wait! My blender's still plugged in-'' Too late. He tripped over the blender wire. Oddly enough, my blender did n't fall over. But he did get shot by a shotgun hanging from the ceiling. Huh. I do n't remember buying that. 
 
 So anyway, aside from the scratch card, I think that genie really ripped me off with my whole `` luckiest man in the world'' request. Cuz it just made my life really weird.
