[ WP ] A near-future dystopia where people can file to murder someone legally

Another day, another dollar. I get up, go to work and sit behind my desk reviewing and signing off on requests for homicide. I'd tell you to kill me, but you'd have to file paperwork to do that, and nobody's going to sign off on it. One of the perks of my job is anything with my name on it gets rejected instantly. It'd take too long to train a new employee in the `` Death Bureau'' as they call it every time some schmuck decides they want to kill one of us. So, between modern medicine keeping me alive after any accidents and nobody being allowed to kill me or risk harsh punishments, I'm basically immortal. This job is n't all it's cracked up to be, unfortunately. Let me take you through a day in my life. 
 
 First, I come in to work, sit down at my desk that's stacked sky high with requests to kill people. I go through each one, one by one, to eliminate the stupid ones. You know, the files that have some idiotic agenda to them. 85 % of my job is finding the racists and the bigots and throwing their petitions in the shredder. One skinhead legally pops a black guy for no good reason, and my department stands to lose millions in lawsuits for discrimination. Same thing with cheating spouses. Ca n't allow bias of any sort here. 
 
 Next, once all those idiots are sorted out, I have to examine each proposed method of killing. I'm not allowed to license torturous deaths. For that, you have to go a mile down the road for a separate permit, and rarely do we allow anyone with a torture permit to commit murder. We may be crazy, but we try to prevent all the sociopaths from getting their jollies off after small animals has lost its appeal. It's funny how so many people want to kill someone, but the second the idea comes in that the person can take their time comes in, everyone flips the fuck out. 
 
 Then, I have to review the backgrounds of both the victim and the murderer. It's a tricky business, allowing killings. Not just any idiot can be approved to kill, and we do n't just allow anybody to be killed. When my office first opened up, I can not tell you how many politicians, celebrities, and opposing sports team stars we got down on the papers. We're not allowed to advance someone's agenda, especially our own, and in the gambling world, nothing can spell rigged game like a star athlete going down permanently. 
 
 After all that's been reviewed, I have to send out notices to the victim's job place, making sure they put their `` HELP WANTED'' signs out, or else the local economies come to a halt. Long process of trial and error with that one. That's why certain jobs are off limits. Cops, firemen, emergency services, doctors, nurses, et cetera. Those markets are never in want, what with people looking to have an immunity ticket from being killed off. When a cop breaks his leg in the line of duty, you can predict the jam of people rushing into the station to hand in their resumes again. 
 
 Finally, after all that's been said and done, after the petition has made it through 4 different tests to make sure that the murder can happen, I have to call the local police, the hospitals, and the morgue to be ready. Killing is a sacred right in America today, so we have to prevent people from going to jail for it, and we certainly have to make sure that they ca n't be revived in any fashion. 
 
 Do all that a few dozen times, and that's my day. Like I said, I wish someone would kill me, but their permit would never get through step 3. Oh well, guess things could be worse.
