[ WP ] The protagonists of our story are having a meet-cute . Narrator , however , is going through some troubles at home , and it 's starting to show .

Jimmy was having what he'd call a bad day. He'd missed his bus, and now he had to walk all the way to Subway for his favorite Chicken Pizziola Melt. `` It's kind of a secret menu thing,'' he would say to his mouthbreathing buddies on their frequent runs to the sandwich chain. But there were no buddies around today, so Jimmy had to hoof it. `` At least I'll work off some of it with the exercise!'' he said to himself out loud, like a crazy person, as though no one could hear him. 
 
 `` I kind of like the bus - the chariot of the people'' he thought, as he rode next to a dude who could n't afford a damn $ 7 sandwich for lunch whenever he felt like it - no, he ate one meal a day probably, and that meal was ramen, all because his shrew of an ex shook every last penny out of him. 
 
 But on the *other* side of him sat our girl Hannah. Some dirty-looking guy snored real loud and farted on the other side of the bus, and Jimmy caught Hannah's eyes. And from that moment, they knew, deep inside that - 
 
 You know, I wonder why gin is n't more popular, really. Go down to your local seedy liquor purveyor, and you'll see it's way cheaper than this artisanal whiskey crap. Low cost, tastes like Christmas. Buy in bulk and save! 
 
 ``... you new to the 47?'' Hannah asked. 
 
 `` Oh, no - I take it every now and then,'' Jimmy lied, with the full intention of banging this girl as soon as possible. I mean, what else did he want, really? If you'll kindly flip back to our introductory description of her in Ch. 2, you'll see what I mean. 
 
 `` Yeah? Where you headed?'' 
 
 `` The journey's the thing,'' said the horny kid. 
 
 She laughed at him. Not with him - *at* him. The difference is easy to see, especially once you've experienced it a time or fifty. `` You're full of shit,'' she said, stating the obvious. 
 
 `` You got me,'' said the insufferable twerp who never did an honest day's work in his life but still managed to get into the best schools, bed the hottest women, and have a lucrative job all lined up by Daddy, despite his horseshit philosophy major. `` I'm a philosophy major,'' he belched. 
 
 Hannah, a stupid child for not kicking Jimmy in the balls right then and there, played coy. `` So... what's the meaning of life, then?'' 
 
 `` Ah - a question whose very asking conveys more meaning than any possible answer to it could provide.'' He continued on in this vein some more, but you know, when *other* people try to talk about *real* deep thoughts, people are all like `` it *always* has to be about you, does n't it,'' and `` I want a divorce,'' and `` New Daddy gives us an allowance.'' Yeah, well maybe Old Daddy *would* have given you an allowance if his company had n't shat all over him. And maybe one day you'll think long and hard about the character of a man who tries to buy a damn child's love with money. Really. One day you'll think long and hard about that. 
 
 `` Okay Socrates, really - what's your stop?'' 
 
 Subway, he should have said, though really he should have said, `` Love is an illusion and entangling emotions only lead to bloodier ends. Solitude is the sweetest release this side of death.'' But instead the raging douchebag said, `` A noted fine-dining establishment.'' 
 
 Which he could have eaten at had he so chosen, of course. He liked to `` slum it'' at Subway, do n't you know. This little shit was raised by gold-plated wolves. 
 
 ``... too bad. You were kinda cute and all.'' 
 
 `` Uh... what?'' Junior's first taste of rejection from a woman, even if she was just screwing with his head. You know, kid, if the first drop tastes like poison, you really should n't drink the whole bottle. You'll end up shriveled up with your innards burned out. `` Do I detect an attraction?'' 
 
 `` I *Kant* believe you would think such a thing,'' purred the insufferably ironic twee siren. 
 
 `` Oh really?'' he said through a shit-eating grin. `` You know my meal will be *a la Descartes*.'' 
 
 Unfortunately, the bus did n't plow into oncoming traffic, instantly killing everyone aboard. Hannah was very much still among the living when she kept this atrocity going. 
 
 `` Then you'd better clean your *Plato*.'' 
 
 Their smiles were sadly real, reader. Too bad dumbshit over there did n't know any *real* philosophy, like the bit about there being nothing new under the sun, and everything being vanity and wind and shit. But then, rich assholes like New Daddy can just pay someone else to deal with that for them. 
 
 Must be nice. 
 
 Anyway, they talked about some stupid crap for a while. Then they ate at Subway together, which I'm sure comes as a huge damn shock. Jimmy somehow did n't repulse Hannah, so his master plan to bang her as soon as possible moved one step forward. They made all these crazy eyes at each other. And then she got called out on some emergency or other before they forgot to exchange cell numbers. The horror, reader - the horror. It's lucky for them, I guess, that Fate made a Very Special Exception for them and threw them into the same government class not three weeks later. Of course, Fate usually just hands you garnished wages and `` We have chosen another applicant at this time'' and shrill demands for alimony, even though that jackass Nathan has more money than the unholy lovechild of Bill Gates and Scrooge McDuck. Cheap asshole probably turns my money into golf clubs or some shit. 
 
 Oh, right, Snarky and Douchey - they get married and had some kids and they were all rich and never had a care in the world. The nanny raised the kids while mom and dad went out on the town. Eventually the kids got older, did their own bullshit, then landed some sweet nepotism jobs. A nice tidy little bow-on-top for a wonderful little romance, do n't you think? I'm sure Nathan would love it.
