[ WP ] After spending a few centuries haunting various spooky places , a bored ghost realizes that it is n't constrained by physics and can travel beyond the earth 's atmosphere .

Neil deGrasse Tyson watches a lot of porn. A lot. Of porn. 
 
 If there is one frustrating thing about the afterlife, it's that there are no answers. You die with the same questions you lived with and they live on with you. There is no omnipotence. There is no nirvana. There is no center. There is nothing... nothing as much as I can understand it. That's one of the reasons I am here... watching what I considered the greatest person in the scientific community rub one out under his office desk three or four times a day - A DAY - to mainly girl-on-girl submission porn. Once a week or so he follows a rabbit hole from the `` suggested videos'' section down to some ridiculous shit I know he does n't understand because there is absolutely no reason a man with his background ever learned Malaysian or understood that the old Asian man was actually fucking an actress - er, actor - and not his real daughter and those are days the worst. You can just sense his disgust with himself post-orgasm and those are the only days he throws his nasty towel into the hamper because, Christ, this guy has got to just be afouled of his own sexual filth and thank God because I remember the pictures online of the cumrags that grew mushrooms and oh for fucks sake I am glad I do n't shudder anymore. 
 
 You ca n't read minds, either. I like to think that would make it easier. Sometimes I wonder if that would make it worse. Jesus, you think you know a person from all their social media exposure and it turns out the brightest bulb on Earth concerning astrophysics is a lonely old guy who ca n't get off if the woman has a British accent or small nipples. I settled into this thinking I would be reading over the shoulder of the genius and learning what he learns and maybe that would help me enjoy all of this and I just end up disgusted. There is a part of the eternal me that is falling victim to what many philosophers are just grazing the surface of... maybe we do n't want to know. 
 
 Honestly, I ca n't blame the guy. The first thing I did when I accepted this form was learn to travel. You just sort of will yourself to a place. It started slow before I picked up on the ethereal nature of the afterlife. I mean slow like I followed interstate highways and took exits and followed streetsigns like some schnook with a phone gps. It took me two years to finally float my way to Los Angeles. I stopped once, can you believe that? I actually stopped because a ten-rig pileup had closed I-10 east of El Paso and I stopped because of the traffic like I could n't just float over it or around it or through it for christ's sake. I was an idiot. I was idiot when I was alive and I am an idiot when I was dead. 
 
 Ok, let me stop. I need to explain that. One of the things that comes with the afterlife is this final acceptance of what time really is. That's another thing we all got wrong. Time is n't a flat circle or a line or anything like that. Time is not a thing. There is no time. It's not like it's a gift you get and you suddenly realize it, it's like everything else - you just sort of figure it out. I was hanging out in a lecture hall at UCLA and listening to Tyson talk about entropy and he was on a panel with a bunch of other scientists and they were all discussing this entropy business and I could n't understand three fourths of what they were saying but something one of them said is `` Entropy puts a timer on the universe,'' and I just knew that had to be wrong. I mean, I lived by a clock - even though as a person I was constantly late and about as punctual as a giraffe but I was always aware of time. It gave me anxiety and made me afraid of being late and looking bad or losing my job or whatever but here, here in this... place or state or whatever, there was none of that. I have almost forgotten what fear feels like. If I do n't have a fear of it, it does n't happen. Does that make sense? Okay, okay, I see where you might have a hard time with that but I am telling you, the absence of fear does n't have anything to do with courage or bravery, scary things do n't exist if you're not afraid of them. 
 
 I avoid campfires, old women, young boys, and graveyards. You know why? Because I remember those always made people believe that ghost were real. Even rational people would get their withers up around them and it gave me anxiety. I had anxiety because I felt like if people were scared, then by my rationale, they could see me and I - oh man, I had a REAL hard time understanding that I do n't have clothes on anymore. I'm not naked because there is nothing to be naked... anyway. I had it in my mind that if they believed it enough they would see me and I did n't want that on me, you know? But it does n't work that way. I am not a ghost like you think I am. It's nearly impossible to explain. I'm not some shadowy apparition, I do n't have a sheet on me there are no chains and I do n't make noise. I ca n't knock anything over or make the power go out. There is no slime or plasma or any of that shit. I do n't even think I can call myself a ghost because... get this....there are no other ghosts. I am it. I know, right? Ghost is just my own term for it. I know I am dead and this is what comes after but beyond that, pal, I ca n't really explain much more. 
 
 Anyway, sorry about that. I was going to LA, right? And the reason I am telling you this story is..forget it. Look, I made my way out to LA because I wanted to watch Christina Ricci take a shower. I'm serious. I figured out death, I figured out the afterlife and my top priority was to go to LA and watch Christina Ricci take a shower. That's the way my eternal mind works. I did n't go looking for aliens. I did n't try and divide by zero. I did n't try to resolve my past or reconvene a new consciousness. I went to watch an actress take a shower. No matter what happens, I am still a 22 year old aspiring musician with a year of community college and nine jobs all of which revolved around two bars in my hometown. That's it - the worldly me - the Earthly me. I was idiot in life, I am an idiot in death. 
 
 But to answer your next question, yes. In a word, yes. It was worth it. I watched her shower four times in two days. It was incredible. I honestly did n't know what to do with myself. On the third time, I got in the shower with her and I thought I might be approaching some sort of eternal enlightenment because I felt so fulfilled - there i was, microns away from those exquisite twins, and then... well, she peed in the shower. She peed just all over the floor of that shower and farted like a goddamn sick dog and I realized what an imbecile I was. Here i was, lost in the sea of the afterlife, afloat on the greatest plane of existence or non-existence or whatever I'm not trying to quantify the whole thing and I was watching this woman almost shit herself in the shower while she was shaving her legs because I thought she looked very fuckable in Black Snake Moan. 
 
 I just sort of floated up - I did that float thing I had learned along the way and went up through the ceiling and the roof and just looking down I knew I was going further and further up and I just decided to keep going and I kept going and going until the planet was just a dot I kept my eyes on and then....then....I stopped. I stopped and just looked around. Way up there or way out there or whatever - man, that is a big bunch of nothing. And way out in that nothing... was a red Cadillac. I'm serious. It looked like a red 68 Cadillac and I thought that's odd so I went toward it. I think it was really far away but I came up on it fast and it turns out it was n't a Cadillac at all but a massive cloud of red gas or something about the size of a trillion LA Counties and I had no clue what it was. So i thought I should try and learn what this was and could n't really think of how to do that, I mean, I was in Christina Ricci's shower just before that and fart or not, her tits were still fresh in my head and I was n't thinking terribly clearly. So, I came back to Earth and figured I would hang out In the office of Neil deGrasse Tyson and maybe I could figure out what this Cadillac looking thing was. I would just read over his shoulder and at some point, maybe I would learn something about the universe. 
 
 I learned two things so far: Intelligent people read things written for people on their level. I ca n't understand anything but the forwards he reads from his wife and... Neil DeGrasse Tyson watches a lot of porn. A lot. Of Porn.
