[ CC ] Free Write , need some feedback on a story I 'm working on at the moment .

OK. This has a number of issues. 
 
 Firstly, be consistent with your tenses. You seem to change tense a couple of times in this story. That makes the story pretty difficult to read and does n't let the story flow well. 
 
 First change: 
 
 > Jennifer finally **breaks** the stare. She **knows** the methods Vincent told her. “ Intimidation is the eye ’ s best weapon, ” he would say, “ because your mouth gives evidence, but your eyes stop others giving out more ”. This phrase **was** the most prominent in her mind at the present moment. 
 
 Second change: 
 
 > “ A face. On its head. Where we goin ’ with this? ” she said, catching Adams slightly off-guard. Nobody **had** spoken to him before like that, and especially under such forced circumstances. 
 
 > “ I ’ ll ask again - ” 
 
 > “ Ask all you want, Deputy. I ain ’ t tellin a lie ” she **revealed**, extending her index finger to point at the card. 
 
 > “ There ’ s the eye, there ’ s the other. There ’ s the mouth, and there ’ s the nose ” she **responds**, finding herself speaking in an almost flippant tone. 
 
 > Sighing in defeat, Adams **turns** the card over and writes some quick notes on the clipboard. Following this, he turns over the next card and glances at Jennifer. “ What about now? ” he quizzes. 
 
 Third change: 
 
 > As the words **leave** her mouth, Jennifer **reaches** over to turn the previous card over. Her heart beating faster than she can seem to breathe, she **tightens** a newfound grip on the card in her hand and turns it over. As though the interweaved plethora of space and time around her had slowed to a halt, she **felt** as her heartbeat resonated through every bone in her body, taking precise care to not let Adams notice her erratic expression. Telling herself, in the calmest tone she could conjure at that moment that it was now or never, she **glanced** at the clock to... 
 
 Fourth ( and fifth ) change: 
 
 > his shirt **remained** stained with crimson red from the wound on his neck. This moment of subconscious empathy was cut short by the sudden ceasing of sound. A voice rung though the phone. 
 
 > “ Dammit ”, it **said**. 
 
 > “ Dammit? You tellin ’ me you messed something up? ” Jennifer **shouts** into the space before her. Adams, as she now **notices**, has recently passed from blood loss and now serves as a source of materials. 
 
 > “ Packed the wrong explosives. You just witnessed a K2, not a K1, missy! ” Kevin ’ s voice **laughed**. Jennifer felt a strong wave of anger rushing over her, but it soon **subsided** when she heard the next part: 
 
 ( Also, crimson red is unnecessary as crimson is a shade of red. ) 
 
 
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 Secondly: Punctuation. 
 
 A lot of your sentences, mainly the speech, lack punctuation. Case in point: 
 
 > “ Get your ass out here, Jen ” came Vincent ’ s sarcastic,... 
 
 Should be 
 
 > “ Get your ass out here, Jen**, ** ” came Vincent ’ s sarcastic,... 
 
 And for 
 
 > “ Cut the sarcasm, Vince. There ’ s fire everywhere ”, she revealed, finding herself 
 
 The comma should go within the quotation marks. 
 
 -- -- -- -- -- -- -- 
 
 Thirdly, your story describes too much - it does n't give readers a good idea/feel of what is happening. You probably know this one as the principle of `` show, not tell'' ( Note - I'm doing this on limited time, so my examples here will probably not be the best, but still ). 
 
 Example: 
 
 >'' As he fell from his chair in shock...'' 
 
 OK, so he falls from his chair in shock. What does he do? How can you show that he's in shock? Did he freeze? Did he grasp the table for support, stunned by the sudden attack? Did he gasp? How does he fall? Did he stumble? Do his knees buckle? Does he hit the table on the way down? 
 
 Another example: 
 
 > “ Cut the sarcasm, Vince. There ’ s fire everywhere ”, she revealed, finding herself in a panic again. 
 
 She's in a panic. We already know that. But what is she doing that could show us that she's panicking? What do panicking people do? 
 
 Try: 
 
 > “ Cut the sarcasm, Vince! There ’ s fire everywhere! ” she exclaimed, unable to think clearly, eyes widening at the thought of being trapped within the collapsing building. 
 
 Or: 
 
 > “ Cut the sarcasm, Vince! There ’ s fire everywhere! ” she exclaimed, desperately searching for any route that would provide her with an escape route. 
 
 
 
 Finally, Jennifer's sudden change in speech pattern is also pretty jarring, given that we have no reason to expect the change and know nothing about her background.
