[ WP ] God is actually a position that a human soul has to take up . You just died , and he previous God 's shift has ended , so he 's passed the position to you and he has now crossed over to the afterlife . Keep humanity alive for a thousand more years , by any means , and you can pass on as well .

`` Sir? Sir, please sign the document. Line nine,'' The Lady asked me with a stern face. 
 I had come to, in an office building. The last thing I remembered was... the train. Yes the train. We were happily riding along the tracks when... 
 `` Sir, for the love of... well... You now I suppose, ” She continued. 
 I remembered that I fell. 
 `` What document?'' I muttered to the lady. 
 She was sitting on the other side of a desk. 
 `` To accept your new position. Did you listen to anything I just said?'' She appeared thoroughly irritated by this point. Her glasses sat on the tip of her pointy nose. 
 `` I... I do n't think so. Where am I?'' 
 She took her glasses off and wiped them with a cloth. 
 `` Heaven, Mister Counter. Heaven.'' 
 `` Heaven? I fell off a train and died?'' 
 `` Yes, Sir. You hit a tree. The scene was quite gruesome. Can we please focus here? We have a lot to cover.'' She reapplied her glasses. 
 `` No pearly gates? No Saint Peter giving a test to get in?'' 
 She un-reapplied her glasses. 
 `` Mister Counter, this is not a fairytale. We are trying to run an afterlife here and if we do n't move along quickly, it will collapse like your skull when it made quick acquaintance with Dwayne.'' 
 `` Dwayne?'' 
 `` The tree, Sir.'' 
 `` The trees... Have names?'' 
 `` They are alive, are they not? Why should n't they have names?'' 
 `` Look, this is all a little new...'' 
 She re-re-applied her glasses. 
 `` Now that I realized that dazed look on your face is actually a permanent fixture, I will explain everything... Again... from the Beginning.'' 
 She sat back in the chair, and I leaned forward to listen. 
 `` You died. Welcome to Heaven. Congratulations on making it here and so forth. You hav-'' 
 `` Is there a hell?'' 
 `` Yes, it's quite nice this time of year. But please, do n't interrupt me. Where was I... Yes, welcome to haven.'' 
 `` Thank you.'' 
 `` God has resigned, and you are here to fill His position.'' 
 `` Wait... I'm going to be God. THE God.'' 
 `` The God of this Universe, yes. But only because you've inherited the majority of the shares in Heaven of course. If at any time you wish to sell them, you are perfectly able to.'' 
 `` Sell my shares... of the Universe?'' 
 `` Yes, Sir.'' 
 `` To whom would I sell them?'' 
 `` Whomever you wish. I do believe Krishna has been interested for some time now.'' 
 `` Krishna? Like... the Hindu fellow?'' 
 `` Yes, Sir.'' She was somehow getting ever more irritated with me. 
 `` Okay I'm sorry, please continue.'' 
 `` As acting God, you will be in charge of several tasks, the most important of which is keeping the Humans alive for as long as possible. There are other tasks, like keeping the Universe intact, and answering prayers and such, but that will become clear in time. For the moment, please sign the document.'' 
 `` Why… Why me?'' I asked. 
 “ Because you thought you needed to have a more humble life this time around. Would you please sign? ” 
 I signed the paper on the line with a curious ink pen, which shone a golden light though the ink itself was black. She took the paper from me and filed it in an impossibly large filing cabinet. 
 I took the time to look around her office as she climbed an infinitely tall ladder to what looked liked the `` C'' box. Her office was perfectly white. Not a blemish anywhere. No spiderwebs, no motivational pictures of cats, no `` I hate Mondays'' coffee mugs, just white. It was so white, in fact, that it was actually emitting it's own light. The name tag on her desk read `` Mindy''. Mindy was tall, overweight and had probably been in the office for the last thousand years by the sound of it. 
 I squinted up at Mindy, putting my paperwork into a folder. As soon as she shut the drawer, I heard whispers. Like people were behind Me making fun of the hole in My pants, but somehow closer, and yet more quiet. 
 `` Are the voices normal?'' I called up to Mindy. 
 `` Yes. They will become more clear with time,'' She yelled back down. 
 `` Are they prayers?'' 
 `` Yes. Follow me please, I ’ ll show You around. ” 
 We exited the office to a bustling space filled with cubicles. 
 “ Who is everyone here? ” I asked, looking out over the vast space filled with figures making themselves look busy. 
 “ Angels, You would call them, ” Mindy said, not looking back at Me when she answered. 
 “ Do humans become angels when they die? ” This got Me a look over her shoulder with squinting, eyes. 
 “ No. You made all the angels before the humans. ” 
 I stopped walking. 
 “ What do you mean I made them? ” 
 She stopped walking and folded her arms to answer me. 
 “ You, like everyone before You, were born a Human, specifically to die and fill this role. You might call it destiny. ” Her voice was matter of fact. Too, matter of fact, in fact. 
 “ What would you call it? ” I asked like a smart ass. 
 “ The way things work. Sir. ” 
 
 She showed Me around the office building. It may have actually taken several hundred years, but she explained that we existed outside of “ human ” time. As we existed, it is the Humans past, present, and future simultaneously. 
 “ If we exist, outside of time, how can I help do anything for Earth? ” 
 “ You are ‘ all powerful ’. You can do whatever you wish. Just keep in mind that You have to keep the board of directors happy. ” 
 “ Why in My name did you structure Heaven like a corporation? ” I asked. 
 She scoffed, “ All powerful, but not all that clever, eh? We invented this set up. You taught it to the humans. “ 
 “ Ah, ” I noted. 
 Finally we stepped into an office. It was a corner office. Something I always dreamed about having. I would have been more excited, but the view was just ethereal clouds with a golden trim of light, with a perfectly blue sky above. 
 “ Some view, ” I said with a sigh. “ Does anything ever happen out there? ” 
 “ It ’ s just for show mostly, ” She said. “ Better than the all white of infinity. ” 
 “ Can I change it? ” 
 “ You never have before, but I suppose You can. You ’ re the one in control. ” 
 I sat down at my new desk. The name tag read “ God ” in gold-lined, black letters. One of the curious pens sat in a holder, next to the pen sat a pile of papers. 
 “ What are all these? ” 
 “ Perhaps You should read them. Sign them if You like. Then give them to me. ” 
 “ Then what? ” 
 “ I will deliver them to the board for review, and they will be enacted if agreed upon by all the directors. ” 
 “ What if someone disagrees? ” 
 “ Then it comes back to You for rewriting until everyone agrees. ” 
 “ So, when I was a human, it wasn ’ t that God never wanted to help us out… It was a jumble of red tape that prevented it? ” 
 “ Quite. ” 
 I learned quickly, only a few hundred years in Human terms, that pleasing all the different gods was quite tricky ( read, impossible ). I had written several hundred thousand drafts of certain acts that all got denied. Even an act to change how the board of directors handles the written acts. I also learned that, with careful planning, I could create a cause and effect pathway to what I wanted. If the initial cause was tiny enough, no one seemed to notice. 
 For example: say I displaced a few air molecules to blow a tiny bit of cigarette smoke into a man ’ s mouth. Eventually he would get cancer, and his daughter would stop at nothing to cure him, eventually leading the charge start a research team who eventually found the cure for all cancers in Humans! My Act to cure cancer failed miserably in the Board, but I got what I wanted, and no God could keep up with every literal particle of matter all the time. 
 Keep in mind: If I pissed the Board off to much, they could vote to fire My ass, and make some idiot like Zeus incharge. Which would be obnoxious. So I had to act small, because I couldn ’ t get anything done at a macro level. Stupid bureaucrats. 
 Luckily, over long periods, I got a few things done. I got good at answering prayers, even the ones directed at irritating Gods like the insufferable Flying Spaghetti Monster, who doesn ’ t even exist. And yes: Every. Single. Prayer. got answered. I could talk to people directly, but most of them went insane after hearing my voice. One man even claimed to be Jesus himself after I told him he would get a dog on his next birthday. And don ’ t get me started on the whole “ Jesus ” fiasco. I even changed the scenery outside my office to show the current view from the top of the Empire State Building. 
 After a while, I ’ m not sure how long. I grew restless. The downside of being previously human I suppose. Without a clock around, and no sun to track days, weeks, months, years, centuries, millenniums… I got bored. So there is it. I got bored. That ’ s when I realized why My current Self got this position. My previous Self got bored! I knew it was time. A new Self was needed. This time I decided to have a more exciting life than Mr. Hits-A-Tree-After-Falling-Off-A-Moving-Train. This time… This time I would be someone important. 
 “ Sir. Sir? Sir. Yes, hello? ” An old woman, apparently named “ Mindy ” if her desk tag was to be believed, was waving her hand around attempting to get my attention. 
 “ Yes, ma ’ am? ” I managed to squeeze out. 
 “ Welcome Mr. Nemoy, we ’ ve been expecting you. ” 
 

