[ WP ] The night before Christmas , a train drunkenly pulls up right outside your house . It 's the Bipolar Express .

Twas the night before Christmas, and out in the snow 
 
 The night was alight with the moon's ghostly glow. 
 
 I snuggled up warm, and safe in my bed 
 
 While visions of sexy elves danced in my head. 
 
 On the floor, lain astrew, a bottle or two- 
 
 My nightcap of Bailey's ( and Jack, Johnnie Blue ). 
 
 But soft! Through the window, a distant chime. 
 
 And chugging and chooching, and sometimes a whine. 
 
 I groggily rose, disgruntled and pissed 
 
 As a train wove through houses and trees barely missed. 
 
 `` My eyes are lying,'' I thought to myself, 
 
 As I grabbed another drink off the shelf. 
 
 `` That train's not real, how can it be? 
 
 Damn, I really have to pee.'' 
 
 As I flushed the toilet and rubbed my eyes, 
 
 The train was still there, to my surprise. 
 
 The engine was steaming, the conductor too, 
 
 As he drunkenly likened a stray cat to poo. 
 
 `` That's right,'' he roared, `` run away, little shit!'' 
 
 And chucked his bottle to make sure it split. 
 
 I opened my window and stuck out my head, 
 
 Not yet regretting getting out of my bed. 
 
 `` Hey what's all the ruckus?'' I yelled to the guy 
 
 `` Go home, dude, you're drunk,'' came a neighbor's reply. 
 
 `` Do you not see this train?'' I asked of my neighbor 
 
 `` Or hear it moaning, like a hippo in labor?'' 
 
 My neighbor was angry, and would not respond. 
 
 The conductor just stood there and silently yawned. 
 
 `` You!'' I said, pointing. `` Who are you? What gives? 
 
 Driving a train down a street where we live? 
 
 On Christmas, of all days!'' `` Well technically, sir, 
 
 It's still Christmas Eve! Not yet midnight, I'm sure!'' 
 
 `` Oh fuck it,'' I thought, `` I'm dreaming, or worse, 
 
 Hallucinating trains and conductors most terse.'' 
 
 `` I heard that!'' He backed, `` And I'm totally real. 
 
 And I'm not'terse', why do n't you ask how I feel? 
 
 Instead of giving me labels, dismissing my feelings. 
 
 Dude, let me say, you are SO not appealing!'' 
 
 `` Alright!'' I conceded, `` Alright, that's enough! 
 
 You do n't have to act all defensive and tough! 
 
 I care for you man, and your train full of feelings 
 
 And whatever disorder your hate is concealing. 
 
 So dude, what's your story? A train full of Christmas?'' 
 
 `` Christmas? Oh honey, I'm not that ambitious. 
 
 If your life is in shambles, your mind is a mess, 
 
 Then hop right aboard the Bipolar Express!''
