[ PI ] And thus Grogon Righted that Wrong - FirstChapter - 2010 Words

Requested feedback beyond: 
 
 I'm going to start this out by saying that this was honestly one of the ones I struggled to get through. I think the concept is good, but there was something about it that kept pulling me out. 
 
 It was along the lines of how deeply you were inside the character's heads. As a personal preference, I do n't tend to prefer rhetorical questions in writing. They are *always* rhetorical in a piece of fiction. It's a crutch to force the user to ask the questions you want them to. It's a form of *telling*, not *showing*. 
 
 That's what that first paragraph is, a whole bunch of telling about things I have absolutely no idea about and do n't really find interesting, yet. You assume the reader cares without putting forth the effort to make them care. 
 
 The exposition is, once again, a crutch of telling and not showing. You could reveal all these details more slowly. Especially with how closely you're following the character's line of thought. Would your character actually *think* about these details? It's enough that it's shocking and distasteful to them. Trust your reader to assume they have some personal problem with humans or with these relationships by just describing that revulsion. 
 
 Same with the peaceful views he's looking at. We can probably assume that if they're beautiful, poets would love them. 
 
 That's really my big problems with this piece. You have given yourself every opportunity to show ( the commander with the daughter, the pizza joint, etc. ), but you decide to tell instead. Suss out, trust your readers, make them want to know, want to care. 
 
 Take an interest in what the reader *needs* to know and what they *may want* to know. Of course you have all these cool details and you want to share them, but many times the reader does n't actually care, yet. You have to pull them into the world before those details are important. 
 
 I hope that helps!
