[ WP ] aliens invade earth but what the do n't realise is that humans have been fighting each other forever and have become very good at it .

Nadiran looked down at the planet that was home to seven billion lunatics. The continent they called South America was gone; cleanly excised from existence; bulldozed, leveled, sunk; washed over now by the mingled waters of the oceans it had once divided. On another landmass, the city of Shanghai was on fire - from Nadiran ’ s vantage, it looked like a great white geysering puff had sprung up from the surface - the upper layer of smoke obscuring the black and red inferno that ravened underneath. 
 
 “ Should we put it out? It ’ s spitting pollutants like no tomorrow. Cleanup will be so much harder if we leave it all until the end. ” Nadiran looked at his partner, scratching his eyelid with a tentacle. It twitched whenever he was stressed, and then the twitching turned into itching, and by the time this was all over, his eyelashes would flake for months - he just knew it. 
 
 “ We might as well, ” said Traxin. “ It doesn ’ t seem to have discouraged them. ” He tapped two glowing icons on the panel before him, and the six Russian missiles that had been launched towards their ship popped into nonbeing. “ I mean, they keep flinging these toys at us. It ’ s completely illogical; they ’ ve shot more than three hundred of these things our way, and not one of them has hit. Why do they keep trying? ” 
 
 “ This species is crazy. ” Nadiran applied some balm to his eyelid - miserably attempting to soothe at least the swelling. They were stumped. One would have thought that the vaporization of an entire continent would have triggered a surrender, but it hadn ’ t. That was why headquarters had suggested immolating a major city instead. Perhaps the vaporization had been too quick, too sterile. Flames were much more dramatic - it would give their news channels some terrible images to broadcast, with lots of screaming and running. Surely that would make the point. 
 
 It was becoming clear that it had not. 
 
 “ Try another message, ” said Traxin. He *plipplipplipped* at a few switches, then pulled up the mouthpiece and angled it towards Nadiran. “ Go on. You ’ ve got better delivery than me. ” 
 
 “ *Humans, * ” said Nadiran, leaning into the device, “ *Resistance is futile. * How is this not obvious? You have a zero percent chance of stopping us. Would you all just settle down? Domesticated life as free-range livestock is really not that bad. We at Intergalactic Meats take very good care of our animals, and pride ourselves for our ethical methods of slaughter. Moreover, as a cruelty-free operation, you would all live until twenty two. The thought of baby meat is distasteful, really - I have no idea how you lot stomach veal and lamb. That is so cruel. ” 
 
 Three more missiles came zooming their way. Traxin removed them. “ By the spare ribs of the Roast God - these creatures are completely addled. Remind me why we can ’ t just wipe the current herd, and raise a new one from scratch? ” 
 
 “ We don ’ t do GMO, Traxin. We do organic meats. We do chemical free, natural feed, and plenty of comfort and freedom - happy meat is tasty meat, remember? ” 
 
 “ Well, if they keep to their hysterics, we ’ ll end up with a decimated headcount anyway. Conditions are pretty appalling down there. Have you seen how they live? Setting aside the air and the water, some of them basically live in battery farms of their own construction. They should be thanking us - we ’ d be making exponential improvements to their quality of life. ” 
 
 “ I think there ’ s some part of them that enjoys being hunted down. They do it to each other all the time. It's really quite incredi - *wait a minute*. ” Tentacles now palpating with rainbow hues, Nadiran slapped the floor in rhythmic patterns as a solution took shape in his mind. Then, he pinged a message to HQ. 
 
 “ *Livestock eminently unsuitable for domestication - however, have great potential as wild game animals. Suggest remarketing of Earthian meat as such; also, wonderful commercial opportunity to offer thrilling safaris to clients. * ” 
 
 The reply came quickly. “ *Initiate one more domestication protocol; if ineffective, we will proceed as per your suggestion. * ” 
 
 “ Brilliant, ” said Traxin, grinning at Nadiran with all nine rings of teeth in his maw. “ We ’ ll get a nice bonus for this one. ” 
 
 He flicked a light, and Australia exploded.
