[ WP ] Tell me the tale of Woldorf , the undisputed master of traffic .

Gather round, children. The stars are shining in the sky and the fire is burning low. You are entering your twelfth winter and it is time to tell you the tale of the only man who could truly master the metal beasts that once roamed the Earth. Once tamed, the metal beasts would carry us from one place to another. They were ferocious, though. Cold and mean. They could crush a man under their great rubber feet. They could steal everything from a man with their terrifying Interest Rates. Once you had fed a beast, it would forever seem hungry again. Only Woldorf, the - 
 
 -Eddie? Eddie? Hi, yeah. Get that shit out of your nose. Seriously, Eddie. You're going to poke yourself in the goddamn brain. 
 
 Only Woldorf, The Master of Traffic could tame the beasts. With a simple flick of his wrist, his White Gloves of Command would make them turn left or right. With a simple blow of his Whistle of Order, they would stop dead in their tracks. Woldorf would stand, without armour or sword, surrounded on all sides by the beasts and simply signal to them his commands. And they would Obey. All was well in the kingdom until- 
 
 -Eddie. I'm not going to tell you again. My God, Eddie. You bleed out round here the goddamn wolves will be eating your goddamn face before you can say'natural selection in action'. 
 
 All was well in the kingdom until the Day of the Subaru.'T was a dark day in the kingdom. Rain lashed the hard, paved ground like the Inquisitor lashes unbelievers. Lightning cracked the sky like the Executioner cracks the skulls of the criminals we convict. The metal beasts pounded the ground like we have all, at one time or another, pounded Eddie's mother. But unlike Eddie's parentage, nothing was uncertain on this day. Terror was in the air. 
 
 The Subaru, a wild, untameable creature, had refused to stop at the Signalling Lights. It had not slowed down by the Command of the Roadsigns. It had Overtaken on the Right as was forbidden by Law. It was an ugly, oversized, unruly animal. Woldorf raised his gloves to halt the beast. And the beast could do nothing but obey. 
 
 The rainslicked ground was slippery and the great rubber feet - despite the authority of Woldorf's command, could do nothing to halt its progress. It spun, throwing rain and rock in the air, getting closer and closer to the moment when - 
 
 -Well who fucking told you that was going to happen, Eddie? Who *warned* you? Any number of goddamn times, that putting a sharpened stick up your nose was going to end up with your face covered in blood. Go stand downwind of me, you little sonofawhore. I'm not getting eaten by jackals because your mother got knocked up by misshapen sperm. My God, kid. You're like The Kevin Of Old. 
 
 The Subaru spun towards him and rolled. Metal and glass exploded out and in. Screeching and howling splintered the very air as the Subaru rolled, out of control, unstoppable towards the White Gloved Hero of the Streets. Woldorf stood tall as the beast was nearly upon him when he saw The Child. Crossing the road to get a ball. In the path of the beast. Woldorf reached out, the tips of his fingers nearing the cloth of the child's shirt, wanting nothing but his safety. He threw himself forward to push and - 
 
 -Right. Fuck this. No, Eddie. You had your goddamn chance. Ruining one hole ai n't good enough for you? You've got go and get shit jammed up the next? You're just like your mother, Eddie. Fuck this I'm done. 
 
 What, Sally? *What? * 
 
'Cause I'm trying to tell a goddamn story here and this dumb kid's trying to stab his goddamn brains out with everything he can get his goddamn hands on. 
 
 What? 
 
 Woldorf? 
 
 Oh, he died.
