[ WP ] You 're on a quest to collect legendary magical items , but ﻿the gods thought it was hilarious to make ﻿the most powerful items ﻿the most tacky and ridiculous looking .

Bryn scanned the inscription etched into the ornate plate of Xenathu's Cuirass. 
 
 *Plus five to charisma, eight to strength, twelve to insight, and the wearer passively collects souls, granting perpetual youth. * 
 
 This was the most sought-after piece on Bryn's list. He had traveled around the globe twice looking for it. Finally, under the forgotten sands in the middle of the Saharan desert, he felt the metal plates strain his tendons as he lifted it from a chest. 
 
 Eons of myth and legend surrounded Xenathu and his infamous armor. It allowed him to rule with brilliantly supple skin and pain-free knee joints for ten thousand years. His empire spanned from the Cradle of Life to the Horn of Africa, and well into present-day Rwanda. Xenathu was a benevolent ruler known to have a certain... flair. 
 
 Bryn heaved the cuirass onto a nearby rock shelf to get a better look at it. A few scintillating rays of sun peaked in through a hole in the ceiling, illuminating the piece. 
 
 Vascular phallic spires rose off its pauldrons, like palm trees swaying on a pinpoint island in the middle of the sea. The hefty breastplate sported two furry testicular mounds. Pink-and-gold chain mail was sewn to the inside of the steel plate. It spewed out of the bottom like the morning shit of a bridesmaid who drank too much Goldschläger and ate too many penis-shaped cookies. 
 
 Bryn stared incredulously at his mighty discovery. Like many men, he had experimented with his sexuality in college, but he found only a quite inherent dislike for the human penis. *'' Jesus Christ,'' * Bryn muttered, *'' I mean, it's fine to be gay, but* ***fuck***.'' 
 
 The grimy explorer pushed old nagging doubts about his sexuality to the back of his mind. Giving it the old *why-the-hell-not*, Bryn hoisted the cuirass over his head and gently lowered it onto his shoulders. He briskly walked to a nearby puddle to look at his reflection, trying to ignore the two giant, swaying dicks rising above his head from either shoulder. 
 
 He knelt down close to the muddy puddle and absorbed the sight. Bryn noticed that the few wrinkles he had formed in his thirty years had already started to fade. The purple scar under his right eye was folding in on itself and being replaced by new, peach colored skin. *'' Damn girl, you look fabulous! `` * Bryn said to himself. He wondered when the last time was that he used the f-word. 
 
 With one final glance at his beautiful new skin, Bryn hopped up from his knees, vitality practically dripping from his face. He quickly spun around to head towards the door, and out to his Jeep. 
 
 Bryn grabbed his sack and tapped through the arching doorway, and was immediately greeted by a familiar face -- Antony Berkowitz. Bryn and Antony had attended the University of Wisconsin together. They had not seen each other a decade. 
 
 Wide-eyed, the two men gaped at each other. 
 
 *'' Oh, hey Tony! `` * Bryn squeaked, as if this conversation would be anywhere near normal. 
 
 *'' Heyyy you...'' * Antony squeaked back. 
 
 Antony tried very hard not to stare at Bryn's interesting outfit, and even harder not to make eye contact. 
 
 *'' So, what brings you here, to the underbelly of the Sahara? `` * Bryn asked. 
 
 *'' Oh, you know, just this-and-that,'' * Antony replied. 
 
 *'' Cool, cool,'' * Bryn said, *'' I'm pretty much just doing the same, just on a search for some legendary armor and whatnot, you know? `` * 
 
 *'' Yeah, for sure. Looks like you've, uh, got your hands full here,'' * Antony said wanly, motioning to the giant penii and testicles framing Bryn's face. He began to try and shuffle past Bryn, paying special attention to the proximity of his face to Bryn's pauldrons. 
 
 *'' Hey, all right, I'll see you around sometime, Tony! `` * Bryn said, a little too loud for how close he was to his old friend. 
 
 *'' I hope so! `` * Antony said, fully aware of his lie. 
 
 Bryn turned away from Antony, thinking that maybe he *would* see Antony sometime. After all, he was starting to miss the old days a bit.
