[ WP ] Satan prevents a suicide .

Lionel was surprised that he had worked up the guts to finally point the revolver at his own head, but he was even more surprised when a disheveled looking man with red skin, horns, a briefcase, and a suit materialized in front of him. Following a lengthy scream and the gun barrel shifting from one head to another, the Devil told Lionel to put the gun down. 
 
 `` Just put it down. Easy now. Let's just have a quick chat.'' 
 
 `` Y-y-you're --'' 
 
 `` Yes, I'm Lucifer, the Dark Lord Satan and keeper of the underworld, but please, call me Lou.'' 
 
 `` What the fuck are you doing here?'' 
 
 `` I have some information I think you would be interested in, but first, for the love of the prick upstairs, put down the gun.'' 
 
 Following Lionel's refusal to comply, a wave of Lou's hand caused the gun to dematerialize from Lionel's. The Devil continued to speak as he rifled through his briefcase. 
 
 `` I just need to show you some figures. Statistics, if you will.'' 
 
 After pulling out several charts and a calculator, Lou began explaining, all the while punching numbers into the device in his hand. 
 
 `` As you can see, your record here shows that your sin percentage is 58.687, rounded down. Normally, a percentage between 40 and 60 is grounds for a trial in Purgatory Court, which decides your fate for the afterlife. However, a serious sin like suicide would bump the percentage up to about 60.172, sending you straight to me without the right to a fair trial.'' 
 
 Considering the massive shock that Lionel had just experienced, the bulk of Lou's information flew straight over his head. However, the point had been made. 
 
 `` So you're saying you do n't wan na torture me?'' 
 
 `` Here's the deal, kiddo. I love torturing murderers, rapists, and politicians as much as the next guy, but you're just a kid who's had it rough. It's not worth it. Do you realize how crowded it is down there? Hell is overflowing thanks to all the shitheads out there and all their shithead kids. Do you realize where the majority of Heaven's tax dollars go? The more damned souls there are, the more God yells at me. All I'm saying is that you --'' 
 
 `` I have to be a better person and not kill myself because I've been given this second chance?'' 
 
 Growing impatient, Lou changed his tone. 
 
 `` In all honesty, I do n't give a fuck what you do, just give your shit to some homeless people or do something a goody-two-shoes would do first. Now if you'll excuse me, I have an angsty teenage girl to talk to.'' 
 
 He was gone as quickly and as unexpectedly as he had come. 
 
 Lionel sat down on his bed and stared at the wall for several minutes. He then stood up, opened the door, and saw his faithful dog waiting for him. Lionel pat him on the head and made the tiniest of smiles. It was a start.
