[ EU ] If George R. R. Martin wrote Harry Potter

Albus Dumbledore shuffled to his feet and spread his arms wide in welcome. 
 
 `` Welcome! Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts!'' he intoned, gazing out at the students, old and new. `` Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words.'' 
 
 He paused, a mischievous twinkle in his eyes. 
 
 `` Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!'' 
 
 `` Thank you!'' answered the students as one. 
 
 `` Is he - is he a bit off?'' asked Harry, not knowing quite what to make of all this. 
 
 Percy snorted dismissively. `` Off? He's a genius! Potatoes, Harry?'' 
 
 Harry's mouth fell open. The dishes in front of him were now piled with food. He had never seen such a display of gastronomical excess in his life. After a lifetime of pitiful meals grudgingly provided to him by the Dursleys, a proper breakfast of sausage, eggs, beans, tomatoes and mushrooms would have seemed like an unthinkable luxury but the dishes arrayed before him were something that even his vivid imagination could not have conjured up. 
 
 Roast beef, positively swimming in gravy. Chickens, roasted on spits, their skin golden brown and crackling and still dripping with fat, were piled high on the table before him. The stuffing was made with some kind of Spanish sausage and beans which was a bit different from what Harry was accustomed to but the heady aroma wafting to his nose almost blinded him as his olfactory senses were overloaded by the intoxicating blend of flavors from the sausage, mirepoix and spices that were the foundation of the stuffing and he lost all his reservations and proceeded to spoon heapfuls on his plate. Pork chops, still sizzling from the fry pan, with a subtle level of charring on the ever so thin, perfect strip of fat that accoutered each and every one, were brought out from the kitchens with dizzying speed. Lamb chops, rubbed with a plethora of herbs and perfectly browned, gave off such a heady aroma that Harry positively felt dizzy. And sausages! Links upon links of little nodules of flavor that just burst in one's mouth with a satisfying crunch and unleashed a torrent of juices that almost made Harry weep as the subtle taste of pork intermingled with a blend of spices that was so perfect it could only have been conjured with the aid of sorcery. And after the sausages, the bacon, heavenly strips of pork and fat that sizzled and popped and crackled on the skillets they were brought out on. And steak, cooked to order, so tender that Harry could cut his with a fork, and so packed with flavor that he was almost brought to tears. Potatoes, perfectly boiled until tender, heaped with butter that slowly melted and flowed on and between each of the golden nodules piled high on the serving plate. And roasted potatoes, little brown steaming orbs that unleashed such a heavenly aroma when one cracked their skins and dug into the meat. And chips, fried a golden brown and lightly salted and which gave just the right amount when one bit into them. Yorkshire pudding, puffed up and brown, with a crust that was perfectly light while the center was just the right level of chewiness, served with a gravy so flavorful that Harry could n't help but have seconds just for the gravy alone! 
 
 Harry piled his plate with the victuals brought before him, torn between sating the gnawing hunger that had been his constant companion until now and keeping abreast of the conversations taking place around him. 
 
 He was vaguely aware of Percy Weasley and Hermione's conversation about lessons or other and something about the way she was talking to him bothered him. On the train to Hogwarts, he had thought her insufferable, a know-it-all, but in the subdued lighting of the dining hall, he found himself entranced by the slender curve of her neck and the way her thick, curly locks moved as she talked animatedly with Percy. He felt his face flush as he wondered what it must feel like to silence that know-it-all mouth of hers with his, how the buds of her breasts, already beginning to come to full bloom, would come feel under his hands, what her hair must smell like if one were to nuzzle that graceful neck of hers. 
 
 And then she opened her mouth. 
 
 Such a horrible, bossy voice! 
 
 `` I DO hope they start straight away, there's so much to learn, I'm particularly interested in Transfiguration...'' 
 
 As quickly as it had come, the flush faded and Harry turned back to the glorious repast laid out before him. 
 
 He glanced at Ron and noticed that he was gazing upon Hermione as well. 
 
 I wonder? thought Harry. 
 
 No, he thought to himself. There's no chance that he fancies her. She's just too insufferable. 
 
 He turned back to the dishes still being brought out. 
 
 Mashed peas! Peas mashed to perfection and whose scent distracted Harry from all thoughts of how ridiculous his momentary of Hermione had been. 
 
 And the carrots! 

