[ WP ] A man sticks a piece of pizza in his ear . But is it for pleasure , or strategic purposes ?

Matted brown strands caught the first few rays of sunlight that shown upon his face as bits of spittle glistened below his lower lip while his eyes scanned the yard in different directions. He could hear the hundred stamping feet, the balloons filling with air, and the sled rails scraping against the pavement as an unrelenting force prepared to bare down upon his neighbor. Dave then remembered something special he had hidden just for such an occasion, diving into the trunk of his car to hunt for this wondrous weapon. 
 
 “ Wabrgh Warbha Wa! ” Dave called out to his neighbor as he rose above the privacy fence separating their yards. His neighbor, while blinded by the intense light reflected by the Dave's steel hat, translated the outburst as, “ I found it! ” 
 
 “ What did you find, Dave? ” he replied, shading his eyes with a broad forearm. 
 
 “ Waba? war wargabr. Wara wargh waa! ” Dave exclaimed as drops of saliva sprayed into the air while he lifted a thin cardboard box into the air. This clearly meant, “ Do n't you see? This is it. This is the legendary pizza! ” 
 
 “ Pizza? Dave! How's a pizza going to help us! Do you see them‽ ” He yelled in response as an enormous wave of zombies approached, led by a zombie carrying a single flag crudely labeled with a misspelling of brains. “ If you've actually got anything over there of use, let me know. I could really use another one of your hybrid plants. You might be crazy Dave, but you've definitely got the green thumb. ” 
 
 As his neighbor sunk a heavy shovel into the ground and cast sunflower seeds deep into the soil, Dave shook his head sadly. He could n't believe that his neighbor knew so little. How could you not know of the legendary pizza and its power? How did he not know that a single slice would hold all the answers? With just one of the eight pieces of pie, he could hear the future of their reality or a reality different than their own. Had the time taco taught him nothing? Dave watched the pea plants spit furiously in the face of the dull zombies as they hungered for his neighbor's brain. He knew that if anyone could save the day now, it would have to be him. 
 
 A quivering hand grasped the corrugated cardboard slightly dripping with excess oil as he lifted the top to reveal a golden wheel sectioned into eight pieces. Each slice was topped differently than the last, mushrooms, peppers, pineapple and pepperoni stuck to its waxen surface by thick layers of melted mozzarella. Dave sniffed the expiring snack, sliding his fingers under a plain slice covered only with cheese, as thick strands stretched and tore. He lifted the section to his ear hoping to hear a positive outcome as he watched the zombies eat a wallnut alive near the back line. From the pizza arose a loud buzz, which he realized was only the lawnmower protecting its owner. 
 
 What actually startled him more was the scream he heard after, actually arising from the slice itself as he drained of color, recognizing what this dreadful sound foretold. One after another, Dave stuck the pizza slices into his ear to hear the outcomes of the various realities, all were grim save one. Thinking quickly, Dave retrieved his precious taco and wrapped it in a gooey slice, creating the ultimate tool for control of space-time. With a large grin and a triumphant yell, Dave held this creation to the sky as the zombies cowered and he took to another time in another place to save his neighbor with what he had learned. 
 
 -098
