[ WP ] After a brush with death , you 've finally confirmed what you 've speculated all your life . You are now able to see your Guardian Angel and think it 's time to thank them .

I should be dead. 
 
 I remember it so clearly. The light turned green. I accelerated. I did n't see the truck. They did n't see the red light. There was a crash and a blinding light all in one. I was dead. 
 
 Or I should have been anyways. 
 
 I crawled out of the shattered car and the world was slow around me, and everything had a sort of an ethereal sense about it. Was this this the afterlife? Or was I just in some kind of liminal plane of existence, somewhere between life and death? 
 
 I saw her and it all made sense to me. Near the street corner, a shining figure with long blonde hair and a soft white face illuminated the black night, but no one would looked at her. Any onlookers were just looking at the terrible crash. But I saw her, and I saw her before, or I thought I did. On my 11th birthday, when I was choking on that toy in the wonderball, I remembered seeing her. I thought I was crazy. Then again when I was 18 and I accidentally electrocuted myself changing a light bulb, she was there. At age 26 I got so drunk I fell into a pit at a construction site, I thought for sure I was dead, but she was there, and all I had was a concussion. 
 
 It had all been so fuzzy and muffled before, but now at 31, I can see this angel on Earth clearly. So many near death experiences in my life, this was the best chance I would ever get to thank her. I quickly walked over to her and she carried a shocked and slightly anxious expression on her face as I approached. 
 
 `` You are my Guardian Angel. My savior. I would be dead without you. I just have to thank you.'' I told her. 
 
 `` Uhh yeah do n't mention it...'' she stammered, `` Could you maybe try to be a little more careful from now on, you've been coming really closed for a while now.'' 
 
 I was confused. This was n't the greeting of love and joy I was expecting. I was waiting for her to tell me that she is actually the spirit of my great, great grandmother, or a lost soul mate I never got to meet. 
 
 `` So, while I have you here, I have to ask. Why do you keep saving me?'' I did n't want to sound too ungrateful so I followed, `` Not that I mind, obviously! I'm so happy to continuous be alive, but are you doing this for some grander purpose, or out of a deeper love for me? What is it?'' 
 
 `` Oh boy... this is awkward,'' the angel replied, `` I have a boyfriend.'' 
 
 `` What?'' 
 
 `` Okay, yeah, sorry. That just slipped out.'' 
 
 If I was confused before, I was completely shocked now. This person seemed less like a guardian angel and more like a high school girl who consistently misquoted Marilyn Monroe on her Facebook statuses. 
 
 `` What are you talking about?'' I asked. 
 
 `` Sit on the curb here, let me explain everything,'' she took a deep breath and began, 
 
 `` When someone dies, whether in the womb or in the world or whatever, their spirit is ascended into the above world, and they can either have a tranquil peaceful afterlife, or if they were not a good enough person in life, they can make up for their sins by becoming a Guardian Angel, hence why I'm here. 
 
 Often times Guardian Angels do fall in love with the spirits their protecting, or feel some sense of familial love for them, but with you, I just do n't feel any sort of way. 
 
 Let me elaborate, I was assigned to protect you from when you were 5 years old, and I was ecstatic! You seemed like such a cute little kid and I thought we would have a great future together... but then you just became so obnoxious. 
 
 As I watched you grew, I did n't see you becoming a productive young man, but I saw you growing into more and more of an idiot. I was disappointed when you spent your High School life sitting in the library and watching anime, but I knew you could still grow out of it. Then you got to college and just shitposted on web forums all day until you started failing classes, and that is when I lost faith in you. 
 
 Now, I feel like I'm constantly saving you all the time and it just makes the whole thing worse. I mean come on, dude, it's time you get a grip on reality.'' 
 
 `` I... I do n't get it,'' I said, `` If you do n't like me so much, why not just let me die? Are you really obligated to save me? 
 
 `` Not liking you so much means letting you die is the LAST thing I want to do. It's bad enough watching you live from a distance, but if you die, I'll be stuck with you for an eternity, understand?'' 
 
 I understood now. My Guardian Angel was n't saving me out of for pure love or because of some greater destiny I had to fill, but because I was so dis-likable that she would rather me live until I was 140 than die and see her in eternity. 
 
 `` I... understand...'' I muttered. 
 
 `` Good!'' she said, `` Glad we got that all sorted out. So in a few hours you'll wake up in a hospital bed, and you'll have a totally new perspective on life! And please, just stop with the stupid shit, got it?'' 
 
 I nodded. 
 
 `` And one more thing,'' she said, `` If you ever even think about committing suicide, I will *kill* you.'' 
 
 With that, the figure disappeared, and I miserably returned to the scene of the car crash. 
 

