[ WP ] You receive a handwritten letter from Satan himself , congratulating you on committing every possible sin .

Dearest Mike, 
 
 It has come to my attention that you are a total shitbag. 
 
 On behalf of the denizens of hell I would like to congratulate you on your mastery of unparalleled douchebaggery. Your grasp of the fine art of'being a jerk' has seen you rise from mild irritant to complete nobshaft. That you have confronted and indulged in each of the seven deadly sins has caused us much mirth and merriment. Allow me to enumerate: 
 
 Lust. Now where would we be without the satisfaction of the flesh? I must say that your browsing history speaks of a veritable trove of captivating images, wet-humpygifs being one such example. I had n't even heard of wet-humpygifs until you introduced me to its unique pleasures. 
 
 Gluttony. Is that your selection of cake pics on Pinterest? Oh it must be. No one but you would speak so highly of richly creamed black forest gateau showered by a hail of maltesers. Only the most refined tongue could appreciate this diabolical spasm of sugar-drenched naughtiness! 
 
 Greed. And you're most informed when it comes to those figures streaming across the Stock Exchange. Derivatives, collateralised debt obligations, such exotic dances with money that leave such a bitter taste in the mouth. But to see the pounds pile up in pixels makes the heart ache for more. 
 
 Sloth. Netflix chains you to your bed and lets the blood pool in your veins. Those marathon sessions which pulverise your brain with cliffhangers and twists. Your heart must stop beating. 
 
 Wrath. And is that you in the comments section on YouTube beating the drum on that really important point that no one ever cared about or even asked you to care about. The place where you give everything for so little, offending people to fluff up your own ego? 
 
 Envy. And Facebook where you built up this imagined life, this impossibly perfect, friend-clustered love-in, composed of the cherry-picked idealisms that only show you in the best light, a light borrowed from so many others, so many people so much better than you. 
 
 Pride. And of course you end the day googling yourself, making sure that you have made super gains, that you are this striding colossus of digital brilliance, a guiding light in each of our miserable lives. 
 
 Speaking as the god of the underworld, do yourself a favour and delete your browsing history, for heaven's sake. 
 

