[ WP ] Your spouse wants a baby , and you agree to the idea . Problem is , you were never taught where babies come from .

We sat on the rustic picnic blanket, enjoying another Saturday morning in the park. The birds sang their sweet melody and spring was in full bloom, the sun lazily beat down on us in agreement with the tone of the afternoon. A family strode along, a relieved mother got to set her energetic children off like wolves into the wild that was the playground while she lied down enjoying the rare luxury or silence. I looked away from the mother back to my wife, I noticed her pale grey eyes fixated on the pack of ~~bloodthirsty freeloading wolves~~ children. 
 
 `` Are you gon na kidnap them or eat them?'' I asked. `` I've got chloroform in this basket somewhere.'' I offered while rummaging through the basket. 
 
 She jerked as if her mind had crash landed from whatever trip it was on, she nervously began to stutter `` Sorry, I've just been thinking a lot. And looking at these kids...'' her cheeks rose to a heavy crimson. 
 
 `` If it's about the kids give me one second, I remember the chloroform being in here somewhere'' I jokingly continued my search. 
 
 As if it were a fart after a 16 hour flight she bursted out, `` I want babies John! Well... I want us to have babies, we've been married for a long time and I've always wanted to have kids and I think we can afford it!'' A single drop of sweat began to trail it's way down her head. At the end of it she was shivering with nervousness. She's always had confidence issues, even with me. 
 
 I pulled her into an embrace, `` Yeah, sure baby. I think we'll be great parents and we can afford it- why do n't we go to the store and get some now?'' I offered. 
 
 She whispered in my ear, `` Why do n't we make it this Friday?'' 
 
 `` Homemade, sounds iffy to me- sure we ca n't just get one at the store where professionals make them?'' She laughed it off, I did n't understand, but I guess she wanted to go DIY for this. On the way home she excitedly described everything she wanted to do after the baby was born, how we were going to be the `` cool parents'' but still fair. At the end of the ride I came to a singular conclusion: This baby needed to be perfect. After seeing how excited she was I could n't dare disappoint her, so this Friday I was going to make the best goddamn baby she'd ever seen. 
 
 But where do I get the parts and what tools do I need to build a babymaker? I knew exactly who to ask: Greg from programming, smartest dude I know and can build just about anything- a baby should be child's play for him. Monday morning comes along and I make a beeline to his desk, `` Greg, I need your help man. Wife came to me with this idea on Saturday and I do n't know how to make it.'' 
 
 He glared up at me, his eyes hollow of interest `` Yes? Can you make this quick.'' 
 
 `` She wants to make a baby and I need your help.'' 
 
 The office was engulfed in silence, an anonymous chuckle broke the silence and it was immediately attacked by a rupturous orchestra of laughter and applause. 10 minutes later Greg had finally managed to compose himself, redfaced he looked up at me and responded, `` So why do you need my help?'' 
 
 `` I do n't know how to make a baby and I'm not sure if I have the tools to make one.'' I answered. He bit down on his finger to contain his laughter, *What was so funny? * I wondered. 
 
 His face went gaunt with surprise, `` Oh my god, you're being serious.'' 
 
 `` Dead serious'' I assured him, nothing was going to stop me from giving my wife the baby of her dreams. 
 
 He cracked his knuckles and adjusted his glasses, `` Did n't you do sex-ed in high school.'' He asked. 
 
 `` Nope, I was homeschooled and my parent did n't see the need to teach me about the different genders.'' 
 
 Very well then, he reached for his cell phone and made a phone call, `` Reggie, call our high school sex-ed teacher, a psychologist, Bill Cosby and Brandi Love- we expect got four days to educate this man.'' He hung up the phone and turned to me asking, `` Are you aware of what a Va-gi-na is?'' He enunciated very slowly. 
 
 `` You mean the musical instrument?''
