[ WP ] Michael , a 15 year old Call of Duty player , realizes the greatest trash-talking opportunity of all time . Over his headset , he recognizes his opponent 's voice as that of President Obama .

“ Mike, you got ta turn on the TV. ” 
 
 “ What? Why? What channel? ” 
 
 “ Doesn ’ t matter what channel? ” 
 
 I flicked the TV on to see the President holding a picture. My picture. I flicked to a few other channels. With the exception of the Spanish channel, he was speaking on all of them. On the Spanish channel, he was being translated. All I heard was *Este es Miguel* before I switched back. Obama was talking to someone off camera. 
 
 “ They ’ ve had those little picture boxes on every news broadcast for fifty years but NO, not for me. Can ’ t handle it. I ’ m just the President. Yes, I know it ’ s live. I want everyone to know how bad a job you ’ re doing. ” 
 
 “ Why is the President holding a picture of my face? ” 
 
 “ I don ’ t know, man, it just started. I ’ m putting you on speaker. My mom is here. ” I could hear her yell *Mike is famous* from a distance. 
 
 “ The reason I ’ m *holding*, ” the leader of the free world put special emphasis on the word as he glared at someone to the left of camera, “ a picture of Mike is simple. I have just now introduced legislation to confirm onto this boy the title of Newb, in perpetuity for his life, his children ’ s lives and their children ’ s lives. Not that he ’ s ever gon na get any. ” 
 
 An intern ’ s hand appeared from offscreen, Obama gave it a high-five. He continued. 
 
 “ The reasons why I am doing this are the following: First, he is a newb. He is a camper and a tuber, and fits all the qualifications for a newb as designated by my Internal Secretary for Electronic Amusement and the heads of all military forces. Mike has been thoroughly vetted as a newb by the Secret Service and NSA. The report, including many embarrassing photos and spy video, will be available at Mike is a newb dot gov. Second, Mike is a bully. ” 
 
 “ Oh god. ” 
 
 “ Dude, Mike, what did you do? ” 
 
 “ I think I was playing him in Plants V Zombies. I thought it was one of those kids with some kind of voice modulator to make it sound like Obama. ” 
 
 “ WHAT DID YOU DO? ” 
 
 “ I called him ** [ REDACTED ] ** ” 
 
 Mike ’ s mother could be heard to scream in the background. “ Dude, that ’ s low. That ’ s low by CoD standards. Oh God, my mom fainted. She must have heard you. I got ta go. ” 
 
 Obama continued. “ This new title has been officially passed by both the House and Senate with a rider stating that everyone with the official title of Newb is placed into special tax brackets which will singlehandedly be responsible for alleviating the national debt, and there is an additional executive order tasking them with presidential taint cleanliness. They are put on the no-fly list and every country with extradition pacts has promised to send him back with bells on. ” 
 
 There was a confused pause in his speech. People weren ’ t sure whether to laugh or applaud. Was this a hoax? That all stopped when he spoke next. 
 
 “ Mike, and I am speaking to you directly, who ’ s the ** [ REDACTED ] ** now? ” 
 
 At that moment, there was pandemonium. The president said ** [ REDACTED ] ** live, on every channel. The audience was screaming. The camera fell as the cameraman fainted. You could see the producer weeping as the camera cut to static. Then there was silence. I turned the TV off. 
 
 “ What a ** [ REDACTED ] ** ” 

