[ WP ] The legend of the one that always won internet arguments .

Mitch clenched his fists over the keyboard. There were no words he could think of to express himself, only anger. He re-read the comment again, each word of it burning into his brain. How could a person be so ignorant? How does a person live their life this way? He knew he should n't, he knew how petty and pointless it was, but Mitch could n't help himself. It had been a shitty day anyway; This idiot would help him unwind. 
 
 */I do n't understand. Are you really saying gays give you cancer, or was that some kind of bad joke? /* 
 
 If Mitch had n't known the internet better, he would have assumed the latter. But it was the way it was written, the arrogance of it, the way he could feel u/morebutterplz sneering through the screen; it could n't be left alone. Mitch sat back, rolled his chair away from the desk and breathed deeply. 
 
 Now that he had been snapped out of the moment, the sounds of the office began to flood back to him. The ringing of a phone somewhere, the office white noise of keyboards clacking and idle chatter. Mitch had to smile at how caught up in that one stupid comment he had been. A coffee was what he needed. He walked off to the coffee machine, shaking the stress from his hands. One hot mug of refreshing caffeine later, he returned to the desk. *Keep it together Mitch* he told himself. *One more hour to go and then you're free for the weekend. * His desk sat right next to the window, overlooking the town. For a moment he stared out at the passing traffic, watching the world go by while he drank his coffee. He took a last swig and switched his monitor back on. Before he could close the offending tab, however, the bright orange envelope in the corner caught his eye. Mitch felt his heart sink in his chest. *What now, u/morebutterplz? * Whatever it was, it could wait until he got home. But he found himself unable to click, his pointer hovering uncertainly over the little red x. *I'll see what it is, and let it go. * he reasoned *Otherwise it'll just bother me. * 
 
 */Yes of course that's what I'm saying, idiot. Have you not read... anything? 
 
 Edit: You know what, I'm feeling in a good mood today. Educate yourself. http: //www.theleek.com/articles/32_reasons_not_to_be_gay/ /* 
 
 Mitch did n't have to click the link to know what it was about. *The leek? How stupid does he think I am. * 
 
 */I'd say nice try, but seriously. The Leek? Apparently unlike you, I took basic Biology at school. You ca n't get cancer from being gay./* 
 
 Mitch sipped his coffee while he waited for the response. He did n't have to wait long. 
 
 */Did they also make you wear gender-neutral clothes and burn bibles at this school? Have you never even heard of HIV? To save you a google search, it's THE gay disease, you fucking idiot. Just one of the many sexually transmitted diseases **exclusive** to gays./* 
 
 Mitch was genuinely shocked. *This guy must be some redneck. * he thought. *'Did they make you burn bibles?' He must be a troll, surely. * Still, there was just enough doubt in his mind to make him reconsider. The least he could do was educate the guy. Maybe he could do a little bit of good for someone. 
 
 */Look. Maybe you were dropped on your head as a child, I do n't know. But that's not HIV works. That's not how anything works. If you'd stop insulting me maybe you could learn something from me./* 
 
 Seconds later, a reply came through. Curiously though, it seemed u/morebutterplz had left him a private message as well. Mitch smirked; keep up the fight in the comments, backpedal in private. He had him. 
 
 */If I had time I could find you literally hundreds of sources. Literally hundreds. Each of them agrees with me, gays are more likely to get cancer. Think about it, of course they are, it's really no surprise that they all get prostate cancer if you use any common sense at all./* 
 
 More nonsense. But the private message made Mitch raise an eyebrow. 
 
 */Let me win./* 
 
 Mitch had to smile. 
 
 */What? No lol. Admit you're wrong and let's get on with our lives./* 
 
 And then on the comment thread: 
 
 */Name one. Go on, I do n't need hundreds, just one will do. Any respectable website, no more The Leek. Just one credible source./* 
 
 He got back a private message first. 
 
 */Let me win, Mitch. I'm serious. Last warning./* 
 
 For a moment Mitch was concerened. *How does he know my name? * Then, with a laugh, he remembered that Mitch was in his username. He took a moment to congratulate himself for his clever username, u/2mitch4mitchirl. 
 
 */Why, are you scared of being wrong? Worried a little knowledge might bring your whole life down? /* 
 
 */Mitch Abbey. Let me win./* 
 
 *Clever girl. * Mitch thought. He knew his full name was on reddit somewhere, u/morebutterplz had just been stalling for time so the stupid troll could scroll through his post history. 
 
 */Oh no. Please do n't hack me sir, I'm ever so sorry./* 
 
 u/morebutterplz did n't respond with any words. What Mitch got back was a single picture of a van. It was black, and on the outside the words *Mitch Abbey Courier Service* had been spray painted on. 
 
 */What's funny about this is how long that's going to take you to wash off, all for trying to scare me./* 
 
 To tell the truth, Mitch was a bit unnerved. He looked over his shoulder to make sure no-one was watching him. He had n't been working in some time, but then again that was basically every day. The next message he received was on the comment thread again. This time, a single link had been posted. Mitch did n't even click it. He already knew what he was going to say. 
 
 */Well done, you found a source. Unfortunately, once again, it's not credible. That is a tweet from Hugo Bateson, who as I'm sure you know is not a doctor. At this point if you found something from someone who is n't a professional dickhead, I would be impressed./* 
 
 Another message appeared in his inbox. Mitch sighed and opened the message. It was a picture of a house. His house. Mitch thought on it for a second. He had posted a picture of his house to some housekeeping community at some point, but if he remembered right that had been in the middle of the day, and now... Mitch looked back out the window; the sun had already gone below the horizon. Mitch did n't respond. He was n't going to crumble just because u/morebutterplz had fished out some old picture. He minimised the page and opened up Excel: there were expenses to be sorted out. A vibration on his phone halted him. He already knew what it was going to be before he saw the notification: *You have received a new message. * 
 
 The message was a link. This one took him to soundcloud. Mitch was confused, but plugged his headphones into the computer and played the clip. There was rustling, the sound of someone handling the microphone, and then a faint sound could be heard. It sounded like a song. Mitch had to turn the volume up to hear it. 
 
 *Lullaby, and good night, in the skies stars are bright. 
 May the moon's silvery beams bring you sweet dreams. * 
 
 Mitch froze, horrified. That was his wife's voice; it was quiet but it was definitely her. He listened a little longer and sure enough, he could just about hear the happy gurgling of his baby son. He ripped out his headphones and put his head in his hands. Then he laughed. 
 
 */Good one, idiot. Nice to know where I can send the police to pick you up, you psycho moron. Get away from them if you want to avoid felony charges./* 
 
 */I would n't do that, Mitch./* 
 
 Mitch already had the first nice dialled in. He snorted and typed back. 
 
 */Yeah? Why not? This is kind of what the police are for./* 
 
 The response was immediate. 
 
 */Look out of the window, Mitch./* 
 
 Mitch peeked out and then backed away from it quickly. Had they seen his face? He opened the camera on his phone and held it in front of the window, being careful to keep as much of his body as he could out of view. Sure enough, even on the small screen he could see the black van, the words *Mitch Abbey Courier Service* shining bright under the streetlights. Mitch scurried back to his computer to see an orange envelope. As he opened it he was vaguely aware of coworkers looking at him from over their desks. 
 
 */Here's what I want you to do, Mitch. This can all go so easily. First I want you to admit defeat. You will post the following: `` I'm sorry, u/morebutterplz, I read more into it and it turns out you're right. I humbly apologise and I'll be sure to keep my mouth shut in the future before talking about things I know nothing about. `` * 
 
 *After you've done that you will delete every message you have received from me. There will be no evidence that we ever spoke. When all this is done do n't send me a message, go to this address and make an anonymous post that will read: `` I need more butter.'' Once you've completed these tasks we will go away, and you'll never hear from us again. You have two minutes./* 
 
 Mitch did it immediately. He copied the first message and pasted on the group, then went through and deleted every message in his inbox. He followed the link and stopped for a minute as he took in the sight. A list of messages filled the screen, all exactly the same. *I need more butter, I need more butter, I need more butter... * the list went on and on. Mitch must have scrolled past hundreds of posts before he got to the bottom of the page and frantically wrote his own identical message. He clicked send and buried his face in his hands. He breathed heavily for a few minutes before uncovering his eyes. He read what was on the screen, then raced out of the office, stopping only to turn off his computer 
 
 It was a picture of his home study. A phone was held up in the foreground, with *911* already dialled. Behind it was a screen, and on it a series of horrifying images of children were displayed under'My Pictures' on Mitch's hard drive. *Tsk tsk. * the caption read. *What have you done, Mitch? *
