[ WP ] It 's New Years Eve . Your best friend died in September , you 've been robbed twice , your girl friend is leaving you , you 've just lost your job and the only one left to talk to is a gay burglar you 've got tied up in the kitchen . P.S . Your cat is dead .

`` So is that a no to the mojito?'' 
 
 `` Yes, gay robber, that's a no to the mojito. I'm not untying you so that you can make me a mojito.'' 
 
 `` Geez what's crawled up your ass?'' The homo burglar inquired. 
 
 I looked at him with a scowl. `` My best friend is dead, my cat is dead, I've been robbed twice, my girlfriend is leaving me, and I have a butt burglar-burglar in my kitchen.'' 
 
 I set my head down on the kitchen table, and closed my eyes tight while grinding my teeth. I heard the sound of the front door open, and my girlfriend entered the room. 
 
 `` Babe, what is this guy doing tied up in here?'' 
 
 `` He was trying to rob the house an-wait, what did you just call me?'' 
 
 `` Babe? Like I always do?'' 
 
 `` Why? You're breaking up with me!'' 
 
 `` Oh, that was an April fool's joke!!'' 
 
 `` It's January 1st, 2016.'' 
 
 `` Oh ya, well I do n't want to break up I was just jokin', I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you.'' 
 
 I was overcome with happiness, `` I love you too baby! And I also want to spend the rest of my life with you!'' 
 
 The gay burglar spoke up, `` I'm certified to marry couples, I can marry you two tonight!'' 
 
 The ceremony was held at the local pier. My best friend and my cat were at the wedding, they had faked their deaths to avoid Russian mobsters who have since died in a drunk plane crash involving vodka, it's a long story. 
 
 Also puff daddy and bill Murray were there and so were other famous people and also just family friends and stuff and also other people. 
 The End.
