[ TT ] You have a gift for talking to inanimate objects . Alongside many perks , it makes you an excellent thief ... but you only steal things that want to be stolen .

I swear to god. 
 
 It's only the second day I've had this *gift* and, already, I've been talked to by at least five different wallets. They absolutely hate where they are. Hate it. 
 
 `` Hey, buddy!'' They say to me. `` Please, it stinks here!'' 
 
 My fingers itch. My eyes alive. My right ass cheek silently apologizes to my own wallet. 
 
 If you ever happen to see a lamp, kind of gold, well-oiled, with a little bit of steam coming out of it? 
 
 DO N'T TOUCH IT. 
 
 He asks you some stupid question, you respond, and boom, you're granted the ability to talk to shit. Like, the average object. Not feces. I have n't talked to that, yet. 
 
 Now, as I was saying, wallets. 
 
 This gorgeous leather number, studded, with a nice chain, called out to me from some little shitheel across the foodcourt. 
 
 `` This kid has n't showered in two weeks, has been wearing these pants for a month, and shoves his grubby hands into me every chance he gets! *Please help! *'' 
 
 I sigh. Nothing's going to help it. He has it chained to him. I look at the kid, and you can almost see the stench rolling off of him. That wallet is n't lying. This kid looks like a deep fryer fell on him. 
 
 He's got a couple of people with him, which is horrifying. Both are his age, both male. All three have shoulder length hair, acne ridden faces, and the looks of having lived in a pizza joint. 
 
 I hear another voice, this one female, very high pitched and breathy. 
 
 It was a waifu wallet. *God save me. * 
 
 `` Please, save my friend! He ca n't stand the horror, and I ca n't bear to hear him in such pain!'' 
 
 I give God a quick glance. He remains stoically passive to my plea. Drat. 
 
 I stand and stroll my way through a nearby store, snagging a couple of bottles each of soap, body wash, and shampoo. For those who do n't know, they were very bored. 
 
 They begged. *Begged. * 
 
 I go back out, toss it on their table, and tell them that they need to use it, because I could taste their stank from twenty feet away. With the last bit of breath, I tell them that women like men that smell good. 
 
 Turned away, almost sprinted to the door, and turned just in time for mall security to pick all three of them up and hustle them outside. 
 
 No good deed unpunished, I suppose... 
 
 `` Please! He did n't flush!'' 
 
 Shit.
