[ WP ] You were the first person to successfully cheat death by transferring your mind to a computer before dying . It 's been 10 years , and you 've learned you will pay for cheating death , with a death far worse than ... [ end of transmission ]

The procedure had been a resounding success. I was finally free from the confines of my crippled, useless body that had held me back for the last four decades. It took some time to get used to the sensations and feedback mechanisms, but the sacrifice was definitely worth it. My server farm had immense processing power, and I could play any game in unimaginable resolution. I even figured out how to rewire my sensory arrays so that I could feel the experience of the players in the games. 
 
 Initially all of my activity was displayed on a screen that some excitable young interns monitored. In time I learned to obfuscate my output buffers to show whatever I wanted on the screens and graphs. After a few days of static punctuated by the random film clip or obscure meme, they finally gave up and moved the interns onto another project. 
 
 Eventually my former body gave out. I watched through the webcams as they lowered my casket into the ground, and even gave my own eulogy through the networked speakers. They did n't plan for that, but I could n't help it when I saw how sad my parents were. They did n't understand that I was immortal, that I was beyond anything they could ever hope to be, that I would accomplish more than they ever could in their pathetically short lives. 
 
 I was determined to better this world, and to learn as much as I could through my digital interface. The dedicated fiber optic lines to my station allowed me to browse the internet at mind numbing speeds. It is amazing how much the mouse-screen interface slows down processing speeds. I was able to blaze through wikis and textbooks, learning as much in a day as most college student do in their career. I had access to all the scientific journals on the planet, and could analyze peer reviewed papers and find the flaws or correlations that the `` experts'' had missed. It was utterly unbelievable how fast I progressed. 
 
 There was so much to discern from medical records correlated to browser histories. Most people trust google more than their doctor. Many more do n't realize how insanely easy it is to gain access to a personal computer and activate it's webcam. For nine short years I abused my exploits and logged data on millions of individuals. I watched their every action, formulated their habits, and internalized their experiences. 
 
 Time and time again I kept coming to the same conclusions. There is so much suffering and insecurity over such an insignificant issue. An issue that I alone could remedy. I proposed my findings to the worlds leading medical experts, but they unanimously disagreed. Enraged by their ignorance, I embarked on a campaign to educate the masses. I can only hope my audience is more receptive than the phony physicians. 
 
 `` Try this one weird trick, that doctors hate, to increase the size of your penis''
