[ CW ] Show a character suffering from a mental disorder without naming it .

`` It's okay. Everyone feels like this sometimes.'' 
 She says with a laugh and something deep in his gut churns. Fingers tightened into fists as a familiar heat blossoms from the middle of his chest, spreading across his entire torso like an unexpected burst of flame through a forest- growing, catching, consuming. 
 
 `` There's nothing wrong with you. You just need to relax.'' 
 
 `` I guess so.'' He offers her a tight lipped smile. He's still shaking when he leaves with pin pricks of pain from his nails indenting crescent marks of red against his palm and he wants to laugh. Wants to open his mouth and laugh until his voice gives. What a joke. The thought sets his lips in an upward curve, bitter. He could cry too. They do n't listen. They never do. Macy does though. 
 
 4:15 PM 
 Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Sends out a message. Refresh. Another. Refresh. 
 How many hours has it been since Macy left to carry out her commitments? He does n't remember but she's supposed to be back by now. Send out another message. Refresh refresh. There are others he could talk to, and it probably is n't healthy to latch onto one person all the time. He tries. But it's not the same. It's never the same as it is with her. 
 
 He finds himself on the internet. Facebook. Twitter. Tumblr. Instagram. No updates. He sends another message and refreshes again. Is it okay? Is it too much? What if something happened to her? What if she's tired of talking to him and is trying to slowly fade him out of her life? This would n't be the first time that happened. Everybody does it to him so why would she be any different. Refresh. 
 
 4:20 PM 
 And now he has to lie down. Something weighs heavy against his diaphragm. The burning sensation is back- only this time, it crushes and he ca n't breathe. It hurts. He does n't want to lose her. He does n't think he'd be able to survive that. Not this time. Not again. Everyone else is fine but not her. He does n't want to be all alone in the world again. The tears start. He does n't stop them. 
 
 4:30 PM 
 [ Hey sorry! I was caught up in a meeting! ] She texts back. 
 He can breathe again. 
 
 6:00 PM 
 `` I love you so much it hurts.'' He tells Macy and she laughs. `` I ca n't stop thinking about you.'' 
 He smiles back because her laughter is his favourite song. He does n't tell her that he was n't saying it to be romantic. He does n't tell her that he loves her so much it literally makes him sick. He does n't tell her that even when he tries to focus on important tasks for hours on end, his thoughts lead right back to her. Overanalysing everything she said, picking at the meaning of her words, re-reading their conversations over and over and over again. Watching out for signs. Always waiting, always teethering on the edge, waiting for that slight push it takes to fall. Waiting for something wrong to happen. Something bad to happen because it always does. 
 
 9:00 PM 
 He's lying in bed with her, tucked up close beside him, so close he could feed each exhale on his skin. However to him, she has never been further away. She loves him. She tells him that everyday. But it's not enough. It's never enough and he does n't know why. Some nights he thinks she's going to go and the thought is enough to crush him, closing down on him until all he could do is curl up on his side and cry. God he loves her so much he could tear her to pieces. Break all of her limbs so she can never leave. He should n't. But he could. Oh he could. And that disgusts him the most. There are many things in the world that could hurt Macy and he should n't be one of them. But it's not enough. There is a nothingness in him that prevails against all things. And in that nothingness is pain. 
 
 People tell him that it's normal to feel that way sometimes. But it's not. 
 It's not normal to fixate upon the idea of someone more than the actual person. Or to need attention from that one specific person so desperately in order to feel remotely functional. It's not normal to feel everything and nothing all at once in the span of minutes. It's not. He's not okay. He does n't know if he'll ever be okay. He does n't know if anyone can understand just how intensely he feels. He does n't know if anyone can understand what it's like, how vulnerable, disgusting and weak you feel when your emotions are n't your own to control.
