[ WP ] In the future utopia of Earth , the United Nations is only called upon to address the most banal , trifling , or nitpicky problems that plague humanity . Last week , it convened to reduce the number of syllables of the letter 'w ' to 1 . This week ...

“ Order! Order! The session will now begin, do we have any issues that should be brought to those convened here? ” 
 
 “ Yes, yes, we have a most troubling matter we would like placed before the council for decision, ” a small rotund man stated in a muffled accent, the area around his mouth smeared slightly with a brownish substance. 
 
 “ The Council recognizes the representative from ANL, what is your issue you would like to discuss? ” The secretary general responded smartly. 
 
 Aggressively licking his fingers, the spherical individual began, “ As I have stated, this is a matter of grave importance. We, the people of Abundant Nutella Land, feel it is our duty to address the issue of goose down pillows. Too long have we been the victims of rogue barbs of feathers meandering through the sad excuse for cloth on these pillows to end up pricking us incessantly when we retire for slumber. Myself, and my countrymen refuse to stand for this any longer and demand that the council remedy this grievous disregard for epidermical comfort. ” 
 
 A murmuring overtook the arena, percolated here and there by ‘ Here! Here! ” by such nations as the United Providences of Short-Lined RollerCoasters and the People ’ s Republic of Free Fellatios. Secretary Sunshine N. Rainbows brought down his diamond encrusted gavel down smartly on the Platinum laced podium, demanding order. “ Please let us try and keep order in the wake of this troubling realization, does anyone offer any solutions to this systematic problem? ” 
 
 A woman near the front of the rows stood up gingerly, smoothing the front of a short dress, releasing more murmurings from the males of the room. A beacon of beauty in a room otherwise filled with fattened and slovenly gaudy individuals drew the eyes of all in attendance, a golden-haired goddess with a form to make Aphrodite herself jealous beyond belief, spoke sweetly and effervescently into her microphone. “ We, the free people of Eugenica have long been immune to such abrasions of the skin, having drained out ceaseless pain from our genes. However, we would like to add that sometimes the goose down pillows can be TOO soft, and that these barbs offer a welcome reprieve from overwhelming bliss. ” 
 
 Shoutings and exclamations erupted around the council, with some in agreement, some in argument, and others so exceedingly happy with everything having to do with life that a little terseness and fighting brought them down to functioning levels from transcendent glee. 
 
 A hush spread through the arena suddenly as a smartly dressed individual rose from his seat, sidling past the delegate from The Republic of Lightning-Fast Wifi and the stand-in delegate from United Student-Debt Free Republic. This man brought with him the gravity of all that the world stood for, the delegate from the first country to rise above the miasma of hate and bigotry to became an example of Utopia in an otherwise sordid Earth. Secretary Rainbows bowed and left the podium to make way for the bearded man, stoically silent through all of this. 
 
 “ As many of you know, I am the oldest and wisest of Ambassadors in this room. Head of the Insecurity Council and resolver of the Unstinky Cheese movement which almost obliterated this Utopia that we all know and love, and one of our main commodities being G.E.E.S.E. ( Genetically Engineered Entities of Soft Exuviate ), I feel it is my duty to squash this debate. We the people of Canada, have long been working on both barbed and barb-less feathers obviously without harming any animals, sensing that this debate was soon to come. So for those of you who require barb-less goose down pillows, we can provide those, and for those who require some more harsh goose-down, we can provide that as well. Thank you. ” 
 
 A standing ovation of immense proportions took hold and tears and exultations were abundant. A chorus of “ Canada! Canada! Canada! ” overtook the ether heavy in the room. The jubilee went on for hours, before Secretary Rainbows took the podium, still clapping. 
 
 “ Okay, for our next order of business, wrapping paper that starts to crinkle if you start sliding the scissors too fast… ” 

