[ WP ] You reject someone by saying `` I 'll go on a date with you the day hell freezes over . '' The next day , Satan appears in your room , shivering , and covered in snow .

A classic 8 strokes knock on the door. Alex, irritated immensely by the prattle of his landlady just 5 minutes ago uttering his'ugh' with a'kill me now', is now certain that his Sunday is going to be ruined. 
 
'Ca n't the man just sit in his underwear, watch some Netflix and chill by himself with Kleenex not for his tears but other fluid?' He thought. 
 
 He never had any issue being in his underwear answering his landlady because the ugly mug of hers somehow brings a sense of familiarity that is familial, not that his mother was genetically indisposed. In fact, he could not thank his mother enough for blessing him with her beauty in male form. A dashing young man of 25, fatally endowed with a lack of a sense of humour and shyness that do not seem to fit with his handsome face, slender but fit physical form. 
 
 He hates his life so far. His physical attractiveness seemed, and very logically, attracts all the uglies like moths to the proverbial flame. He had some success bringing to bed some attractive women, one night stands but he never seemed to be able to hold them down and steady. Episodes of real sex and bouts of depressive solo plays are the norms, something that forms a noticeable pattern, a complacency in inertia. Exasperated but he could not admit openly that he craved for nothing in the world but a deeply intimate relationship. What is the worst for him has to be the amount of'harassment' by ugly women. He, of course is secretly flattered that he is able to capture their attention without lifting a finger but the sheer number of ugly faces he had to politely shut down is staggering and is starting to get on his nerves. He feels he is cursed with a case of'Ugliphilis'. The latest one, Rebecca, was something of a tipping point. He said the most nasty thing he could have said in his entire life and he felt really bad afterwards. 
 
 But his ideal in seeking the elusive rapture of delight in the female form can not be eroded, he determined. 
 
 He looks through the keyhole but does not see anyone. 
 
 Mrs. Lambert? 
 
 He opens the door and is stunned, his eyebrows arch almost unnaturally for a brief second before he almost smashed close the door. 
 
 `` Um, sorry Miss! I am undressed. I thought you are my landlady Mrs. Lambert. So sorry!'' 
 
'Oh my God, what? That's some hot piece of ass and titties right there.' He thought, his dirty side itching already. 
 
 `` Um, Miss? Can I help you?'' 
 
 `` Could you please open the door?'' 
 
 `` Give me a sec.'' 
 
 `` No, do it now.'' 
 
 `` Um, okay.'' 
 
 Alex opens the door. A brunette beauty stands in front of him, her silky dark caramel hair swirls down along her oval face, contrasting rather sharply with her almost glowing white skin. A pair of dazzling green eyes fixed upon his, staring into his soul, making him forgetting to blink. 
 
 `` We have to talk.'' The beautiful woman says, raising a hand and pushes her way inside with her index finger on Alex's bare chest growing in unwanted fat, slamming the door behind her with her nylon bound curves. 
 
 `` Woah, Miss. What's going on? Who are you?'' The strange sensation of coldness originates at the tip of her finger. 
 
 The woman draws closer to his face but before she could open her mouth to speak, she suddenly starts a fit of coughing, her hair covers her face. When she again lifts her head, he sees a line of mucous running down her nose and her face looks frigid and sickly. She shivers and draws in a noseful of air with muffled gurgles, sucks the mucous back in. 
 
 `` You ran out of Kleenex, for the devil's rectum's sake! You horny piece of work!'' 
 
 The sound of the voice shocked and horrified him. It sounded the same as if someone modulated the voice into a deep bass but off pitched in a cheap audio editing program. 
 
 `` Why do you have to do it?'' The creature continues. 
 
 Dumbfounded, Alex, loosing his balance as he retreats backward, falls to the floor, without a word to say. 
 
 `` I said, why did you have to say nasty things to that woman?'' 
 
 `` Who?'' 
 
 `` That ugly chick, that cow, what's her name again? WHY DID YOU CURSE MY REALM IN VAIN?'' 
 
 The woman tosses her head sharply, her silky hair like a tsunami, sweeps back and instantly she transforms into a horned figure of a man with a body who put Leonidas I to shame. With a pair of black wings outstretched that quickly wraps his body, shivering, the'thing' is covered with layers of ice. With one hand,'he' opens a palm and a tiny flame wiggles and burns above it. Wrapping the other hand around it,'he' tries the blow into it tenderly, fanning it. The black of his eyes reflects nothing but the little sparks of that flame. 
 
 
 `` Damn it!'' He blankly whispered before turning his attention to Alex. 
 
 `` I am Lucifer, as you can clearly see. Puny humans. Stupid imbeciles! One second, I am enjoying myself at the depth of Hell, you know, sticking my eternal finger to God. What an abyssal job in creating useless drabs that is humanity. And I am stuck having to beat the living snots out of all you sinnerly souls. And for all the good I do for the World, what do I get? I even parleyed with God and he said he had nothing to do with it. I mean, if you are God, are n't you supposed to know and do whatever the hell you want? Pun not intended. What does he mean he got nothing to do with it? Honestly, tell me.'' Lucifer finishes with a sneeze. 
 
 `` I... I...'' 
 
 `` I what? You still do n't know what happened dumbass? Okay, you, told off a fugly girl named Rebecca when she was all smoochy up on your ass at work. Ah, I get it. I can empathize that she is so ugly that ugh,'' Lucifer flaps his hand, `` And no, that's not a gay gesture, I am not gay, the gays stole my demeanor okay? Ugh, I ca n't. There are so many things I am just flustered with. Gays stealing my trademarks... They all do all that gay thing because they stole from me. You see,'' The obsidian wings spread again, `` See, I have no dick, okay? That's not gay, God made me that way, I am born this way, okay? Oh my God, Lady Gaga, I am so gon na let her be my dominatrix when she gets to Hell. You humans are n't all useless but most of you are. Thanks God, thanks alot.'' 
 
 Lucifer gives another squeeze. 
 
 `` You said, you will go on a date with that fugly the day hell freezes over. You little bastard. Why do you say that?! That's so rude! And you see this? I am all covered in'demon ice'. That started yesterday! I was too busy but this is just ridiculous. You little twat! I sent my arbiter to Heaven inquiring what's going on, they just laugh at his face, meaning laughing in my face and wo n't tell me what is'demon ice'. Ugh! Are you even listening?'' 
 
 `` Y..Yes.'' 
 
 `` You will fix this.'' Lucifer squats down and putting his hand to Alex's cheek, pats it softly; strangely it does not freeze his skin, only feels chilled like a can of an hour chilled beer. `` You handsome boy, you will go immediately to that mistake of a womanly form and date her. For good measure, impregnate and marry that piece of refuse. Better safe than sorry. Because if you do not remedy this sitch, I would be forced to release all the gay souls and you know, no one wants that, least of whom, God. That's right. I am going forward with my litigation. Satan Vs. God. That's right. I will not be treated this way. God denies his involvement. I will not stand for this indignity. This will not fly. You do n't want the devil to be on strike, sir.'' 
 
 `` Ugh...'' 
 
 Lucifer gets up and turns to go, transforming back into the insanely attractive brunette and said. `` Believe in yourself, Alex. You are a piece of work, you just have to find out. It is not everyday you make the devil visit you. Life sucks for you, but if you ever want to turn it all around, do n't be afraid to get in touch. You know, your porn preference does n't have to be just that. Just saying. This all is just getting started but the question is, on whose side are you on? Do what I ask and you shall be richly rewarded, but please hurry up, I ca n't take this shit no more. It is gay as hell. No, I mean, just gay.'' 
 
 Raising her hand, the devil has a piece of card between her fingers and she flicks it to Alex's lap. Alex picks it up. On the card of obsidian black, imprinted the word'Lucifer' in stark white that turns into a phone number whenever his subconscious calls forward the gestalt of the devil. 
 
 Alex shifts his eyes back to Lucifer, seeing her turned face looking back at him. 
 
 `` Call me.'' She gives a wink and immediately follows with another sneeze. 
 
 `` Ugh! Demon ice my juicy ass. Gay.'' Alex hears the last of the devil's word down the hallway.
