[ WP ] You live in a video game . You are not the main character .

I stood there in my underwear looking at myself. It wasn ’ t an easy life that I had chosen. The stress of my job had left me balding early. The bags under my eyes had only grown larger and don ’ t even get me started about the stress eating. I could pack away an entire pig. I ’ m serious, an honest to god entire pig. I heard a knock on my door and sighed. It was Samson again. It was always Samson my secretary. “ Just a minute. ” It wasn ’ t even dawn and here he was knocking at my door. I hastily put on my Mayor ’ s robe and with a great reluctance opened the door. 
 
 There he was. He was a muscular lad kind of like how I used to be before I took this job. He had long flowing hair. I hated his hair. I used to have long flowing hair, granted mine was brown and not blonde but still. Samson looked up at me with his shining blue eyes. “ We… We have a problem sir. ” He paused for a second so I could rub my temples and winch. We always had problems. It never failed but I guess that ’ s just to cost of doing business with a dark lord rising to power in the south. He waited for my eyes to open again. ” The blacksmith seems to have made a seemingly endless number of wooden sticks. ” 
 
 I blinked twice and opened my mouth to say something. I immediately shut it without saying a word. I needed a second to collect my thoughts. There were after all so many questions. ” How does one make a stick? ” Samson looked like he was about to answer but I raised a hand to cut him off. “ That was a rhetorical question. We deal with this problem every year. Did he also make a ridiculously large amount of cloth armor? ” Samson just quietly nodded his head. “ Ok, You have him take his sticks and cloth armor and give them to the item shop. Tell him that we ’ ve solved the tent issue since that one guy passed through and bought a few hundred of them. ” 
 
 Samson nodded his head in understanding. ” A most wise action sir. Now, there is the issue of all the debri outside of town. It would seem that some hooligans trashed a couple hundred tents and just left the trash along with the corpses of hundreds of animals outside as well. ” Samson looked down at his clipboard to make sure that he didn ’ t miss anything. “ Ah, also it would appear that it is drawing the undead. ” 
 
 Keep breathing. That ’ s the key just keep breathing. It never fails a group of people come through here buy a ton of tents and I swear to god instead of reusing a tent they just destroy it. I ’ ve seen them do it. They ’ ve done it in front of me. Right outside the town. They just set up the tent sleep in it for the night and then destroy it. Seriously, how wasteful are you? It ’ s insane. It ’ s madness. We could have used those tents. “ Ok, Samson write this down. First, I want increased guard presence in the town and around the perimeter. No one gets in without first being checked for bites. If someone is found to be bitten take them to the priest. ” I clutched my stomach. There went the ulcer again. “ After that I want you to take what guards we have left and whatever volunteers you can get and burn as much of the debri as you can. ” I watched Samson finish writing that down. 
 
 “ Masterfully taken care of sir. ” Samson turned to the next page. ” Ah, on a somewhat related note our priest has discovered that he holds power over life and death. I ’ m afraid he ’ s gone quite mad. In fact, he ’ s declaring himself some kind of god right now. ” Samson clicked his tongue in an irritated fashion. ” We should deal with this sooner rather than later. Don ’ t want an angry god running around. ” 
 
 He was right of course. We ’ d had a priest develop god delusions before. He became some kind of necromancer and ran off to live in the cave to the south. In fact, he ’ d become quite mad and just a little evil. Still, I had hopes that Phil would gain sanity again. He ’ d been a nice guy before the whole power over life and death thing drove him mad. “ It would be so nice to cut out his tongue and exile him but that wouldn ’ t be right. Tell him that if he wants to be a god he has to resign his priesthood and move out of the church house. ” I couldn ’ t help but think that I was getting too old for this. I mean, I was only twenty five and I looked like I was sixty. I went to school with Samson for godsakes. ” Is that all Samson? ” 
 
 Samson looked down at his papers. “ That ’ s most of the important things. The last major item is the bandit is back. ” I sat down at my desk and started hitting my head against it. Of course the bandit was back. He always came back. Whoever it was would break into everyone ’ s house. Then they ’ d rummage through all their belongings and take whatever the felt like. It never failed. ” The town ’ s people are quite upset that you haven ’ t caught him yet. It was funny the first couple of times but ol ’ John the mill owner is talking about running against you. I suspect that ’ s going to be a key issue that he brings up. I suggest you do something to deal with it. 
 
 I closed my eyes. Calm. I have to remember to stay calm. If I ’ m not calm no one is. “ Did any of them take part in the free door lock program I put in place? Where they could get a free lock for their door. That way no one could get in their houses if they didn ’ t want them to? ” 
 
 Samson flipped over his paper. ” Ah, yes ol ’ John, you know, the mill owner he did. Huh, interestingly enough he ’ s the only guy that didn ’ t get robbed. ” 
 
 Samson winced as my face visibly reddened. “ We pushed hard on that Samson. We told them. With all the strange characters coming through town we need to put locks on doors. Seriously, do really think that everyone of these guys is a hero of time or chosen by some sacred crystal. Take the guys that busted up all our tents and killed a bunch of animals out there. Do they seem like heroes to you? ” Samson shook his head no. He knew when to be silent. ” You ’ re damn right they don ’ t seem like heroes. They don ’ t seem like heroes because they aren ’ t heroes. ” I started prancing around my room. ” La de da de da I ’ m an adventure. That ’ s them right there. Oh look at me I ’ m gon na go kill a dragon or he look I saved the princess so I can do whatever I want. ” I stopped prancing and started panting for a second. ” Well, look here. I don ’ t care if you are a hero or whatever I have a town to run but that ’ s not the worst thing. You wan na know the worst thing Samson? ” 
 
 Samson swallowed “ What ’ s the worst thing sir? ” 
 
 I broke into a smile at that. ” The worst thing Samson is that the people in this town are so god damned stupid that they can ’ t do anything themselves. It ’ s the same problems day in day out. So and so made too many sticks or someone is stuck down the well. So many got stuck down that god forsaken well that we had to block it off. Seriously, everyday someone would fall down that well. ” Man, I needed that. It isn ’ t an easy job being mayor sometimes you just got ta let it out. I heave a sigh. ” You know what that felt good. I beam at Samson. ” Thank god for you Samson. You ’ re the only one here with any common sense without me. ” 
 
 I saw Samson swallow and then lick his lips “ Sir, I was wondering if you would sign off on my claims form for the stuff that the bandit stole. ”
