[ WP ] A diary entry by a girl who was sexually abused by her father .

Dear Diary, 
 
 He did it again last night. It was n't quite as weird this time. I ca n't decide how I feel about it, because when he's doing those things to me it feels good. And he says he loves me and that I'm his `` very special girl'' during. 
 
 But I really feel gross afterwards. And the way he tells me to'keep it between us'' makes me feel weird in both a good way and a bad way... its like i am important in a way that is really grown up and its something that mom does n't know, but the thing he does with his *thing* and the stickyness is just kinda freaky. men smell funny up close. 
 
 it feels like im pulled in two directions... i like it in some ways but i really know its wrong. ive seen the lifetime movies about this kind of stuff, and they always come across with it being **very** bad, so i feel guilty like that time i smoked some of grams cigarettes. 
 
 i think about daddy differently too. and i think he treats me weirder than he did when i was just a kid. like last year he got me that bike i wanted but wouldnt let me have the ipod. now im pretty sure he would let me have an ipod or an ipad. i think i could get him to give me what i wanted if i said i would tell mom or tell mr. baggerly at school or if i said he couldnt do it anymore... hee hee. 
 
 i wonder if the other kids at school know something is up with me. i kind of suspect that i might act differently, like i wonder if those guys on the lacross team or nathan in homeroom would let me do some of the things to them that daddy makes me do to him. men seem weird that way. i wonder if mr. baggerly would do those things, or not be so mean to me when im late to class if i could make him feel good like i make dad feel. i kind of see him and coach frazier looking at me funny sometimes, especially when were playing volleyball and i forgot my sports bra. 
 
 men are funny that way, i guess. 
 
 ta ta 4 now.
