[ EU ] Give us a taste of what Sherlock Holmes would be like if Arthur Conan Doyle were a complete idiot .

Sherlock was a real smart guy, I'll give you that, but in some ways he was also real dumb. Man did n't read any of them literary books, did n't know nothing about politics or any of them Greek philosophers. I tell you, I was real shocked when I found out he did n't know the Earth went around the sun. 
 
 `` You seem real shocked,'' said he, smiling like a real wise man. `` But now that I know it I'll do my best to forget it.'' 
 
 `` Forget it?!'' I said. 
 
 `` Of course,'' he said. `` A man's brain is like an attic. You put too much up in there, and it gets real crowded and you ca n't find nothing when you need it. Only a real idiot would learn all about everything. Now, a real smart man like me only learns exactly what he needs to. How is knowing that the sun goes around the Earth-'' 
 
 `` It's the other way'round!'' I said. 
 
 `` Who cares!'' said he, and crossed his arms. `` Tell me this, Watson, how's that bit of information ever gon na help me solve a crime? Might as well say we go around the moon.'' 
 
 I thought about it, and could n't come up with no answer to that. Since he was real smart, I decided to make a list about all the things he knew, and all the things he did n't, and it came up like this: 
 
 SHERLOCK HOLMES - things he knows and things he do n't. 
 
 1. Literary books - Nope. 2. Them Greeks - Nope. 3. That the Earth goes around the sun - Nope, not at all. 4. Politics - Hardly nothing. 5. Plants - Well, he knows what all of them poisonous plants are. 6. Rocks - He can look at dirt and tell you damn well where it came from. 7. Mixin' chemicals back and forth in them test tubes - Yep. 8. A person's body - Yep. 9. Tru Crime Stories - Whoa, he's a real expert at that! 10. Plays the violin well. 11. Can fight like no one's business. 12. Knows every damn thing about the law. 
 
 And once I was done with that list, well, I could n't figure it out, so I threw it in the fire. 
 
 One day I woke up, earlier than usual, and Sherlock was already having breakfast, but there was n't none for me on account of I'd always been eating so late. So while I was waiting I decided to read a magazine that had a little pencil mark on it. 
 
 `` You could take a drop of water,'' said the magazine, `` and from that figure out that Niagara Falls existed, even if you'd never heard of it. All of life's like that, if only we lived long enough to figure it out. Why, you could look at a man, at his fingernails or his sleeve or his boot or his knees or his thumb or his face or his shirt, and figure out damn near everything about him. If you could n't do it, you're an idiot.'' 
 
 `` Now what the hell is this,'' said I, and slapped the magazine down. `` This do n't make no sense.'' 
 
 `` What's that?'' said Sherlock Holmes. 
 
 `` Look at this magazine,'' I said. `` Sure, it's written real nice, but it's as dumb as hell. I'd bet if this guy was on the train he could n't figure out nothing about no one.'' 
 
 `` Well,'' said Sherlock, and he looked real smug. `` You'd lose that bet, because I'm the one who wrote that magazine!'' 
 
 `` You!'' I said. 
 
 `` Uh-huh,'' he said. `` Why, that sort of thing's super important in me being a great detective. Why, the first time we met you were shocked that I figured out you were a doctor from Afghanistan.'' 
 
 `` I figured someone told you.'' 
 
 `` You figured wrong. I *knew* you were from Afghanistan. Just from habit, all these thoughts went through my mind so quick that I figured it out before I even figured that I figured it out. I said to myself, this man looks like a doctor, but also looks like he's from the army, so he must be an army doctor. You had a tan, so you must've come from the tropics. ( And by the way, I knew you had a tan cause your wrists were n't tanned. ) You looked real sick to me, and your left arm had been hurt. So, I asked myself, where in the tropics could a doctor have gotten real sick and hurt his left arm? The answer's obviously Afghanistan! I figured all that out in just a second! And boy were you shocked!'' 
 
 `` My god!'' I said. `` You really are real smart, Sherlock! I did n't know people like you existed except in detective stories!'' 
 
 Sherlock lit up his pipe and sat back in his chair. `` I know you're trying to compliment me,'' said he. `` But them people in them other detective stories? Naw. None of them ai n't half as smart as me.''
