[ WP ] `` There is nothing a psychotic serial killer can do that ca n't be topped by a completely sane ( but desperate ) parent ''

I know you will judge me but the writing helps and in the end, who are you really to judge? How can anyone judge what I've done? How can anyone know the feeling? When it is your child suffering, when it is your little girl looking up at you with dying eyes, then you may judge me? But perhaps I should not start like this. Perhaps a little backstory is important. Forgive me, for I was never good at writing. 
 
 
 My daughter was nine and her name was Carrie. She was perfect as all daughters are. I was a single father and endured all the struggles of that position. But Carrie was my life. She was my joy. I had almost killed myself when I found out her mother was pregnant. I had almost killed myself when her mother died in birth. Nine years later, it's hard to imagine. Carrie is perfect. She was my salvation. 
 
 
 But who gives a damn, right? Certainly not fate. No one cared for my daughter besides me. No one knew how she saved me, a grown man. No one saw her innocence and he right to live. No one stepped up when she needed that kidney. 
 
 
 It came suddenly. She was sick and it showed first in her hair. I'm no doctor so treat this as bullshit, but I saw it in her hair first. It was limp and sickly. You know how sick hair looks. It's subtle, but strikes out at the same time. I saw her hair and then she grew feverish and in pain. The kidneys were failing. Thank my genes for that. 
 
 
 The hospital tried their best but it was evident soon enough that Carrie did not have long. There was little they could do. She needed a new kidney. The list was too long and her prognosis was bad. That put her at the back of the list. No one cared that she deserved it. No one gave her second thought. 
 
 
 For the first time since her birth I thought of killing myself. I'm weak like that. But Carrie was still alive and I would not let her last days be scarred with my death. As much as it hurt, I had to be there for her. But it was hard. She grew worse and I took her home for her comfort. I hired a live in nurse; to hell with my retirement. 
 
 
 And time passed. The life began to dissipate and she was hardly awake. I grew worse and descended into a darkness. I tried everything, God, herbs and throwing money at whoever was there to scam me. Finally, I was saved. 
 
 
 I met a back alley doctor. His name was Goldman, at least that's what he said. I met him on the dark web, the place where they sell drugs and other shit. I did n't care much for the computer crap, but I had to try. I'm glad I did. 
 
 
 Goldman was a surgeon, a respectable one too. But he was greedy and loved money. So he peddled his trade illegally and immorally. He could save Carrie. All he needed was a kidney. 
 
 
 `` You're wasting my time,'' I said. `` Any doctor could save her. We do n't have a kidney is the problem.'' 
 
 
 And that's where Goldman was different. 
 
 
 `` You look like a man who'd do anything to save his daughter,'' he said. `` You'd be worse than a psycho.'' 
 
 
 The nurse was the first to be tested. I said it was in case Carrie needed blood. I paid her for it and she had liked Carrie so she did not mind. She knew Carrie would die soon, but she was willing to help. 
 
 
 `` Of course I'd give blood if she needs,'' she said. 
 
 
 So we went to Goldman and maybe it was the God above who aligned everything. The nurse was a match. 
 
 
 I took her for dinner and bought her whatever she liked. I treated her better than I have treated anyone. 
 
 
 `` Why are you doing this Mr Dancer?'' 
 
 
 `` To thank you for being Carrie's donor. In case she ever needs blood, you'll be there. It takes a load of my mind.'' 
 
 
 `` But you do n't have to thank me. She's a sweet girl. I'll do anything for her to get better.'' 
 
 
 So you see? I had consent. That night I made sure Carrie was sound asleep and I locked her door. When the nurse, her name was Angela was also sleeping, I sneaked into her room. She slept naked and she was an attractive woman. Briefly, a life flashed before my eyes where we were married and she was Carrie's new mother and she had donated her kidney willingly. A sadness filled me because I knew that would only ever be a dream. Carrie had not the time. There would be no future for Angela. 
 
 
 I smothered her a bit and tied her up. Her face was a mask of fear and I gagged her. What did she think I was going to do? Rape her? I am not such a monster. 
 
 
 Goldman came at night and he told me what to do. 
 
 
 `` I will assist, but I will not kill,'' he said. 
 
 
 He was only in it for the money, the greedy bastard. I had to do the dirty work. 
 
 
 So I killed the nurse and there was much blood and pain I would imagine. She took long to die and I regret that. But her kidney was preserved and I woke Carrie after I had taken off the bloody raincoat. 
 
 
 Time was of the essence and so we sped to Goldman's operating table in the back alley. The rats ran as we made it to the office door. I carried my sick daughter in my arms and I prayed for forgiveness and for her life. 
 
 
 The surgery was a success and Carrie recovered from the hands of death. I buried the nurse out in the woods and I've cut ties with Goldman. A year has passed now and Carrie is ten, going on eleven in a few months. She walks and plays and is an angel once more. 
 
 
 No one has come looking for the nurse. I suspect she was like me, alone in this world. Sometimes I am haunted by her and the life we could have had. She could have been my wife and we could have been a family. But that was always a fiction. Carrie is real and she is everything. 
 
 
 I know you will judge me. Go ahead. If that is what keeps you going, by all means, judge away. But know this. You have never seen my daughter. You have never seen those sick, pleading eyes. You have never been on the brink of death in that way. For Carrie's death would have surely been my death as well. Judge me if you must. I watch her run and play and be joyful and full of life. To me it was worthwhile decision.
