[ WP ] These people did a tarot reading with Cards Against Humanity . You wo n't believe what happened next !

A bunch of people from my university were hosting a small party, and I was the life of it. I'm talking cart-wheeling ( do n't judge me, it's the only party trick I have! ), shitty dancing, very loud and off-key singing. About five shots into the night, I spotted a discarded set of cards against humanity and drunk me had a fantastic idea. I was low on cash, and here was a group of people with uncertain futures and huge amounts of debt, who were also looking for some fun. 
 
 `` Who wants to know what their future holds?'' I called to the people gathered around the table, while I grabbed the blanket from the sofa and fashioned a lopsided turban out of it. `` I can tell you if you'll pass that big test next week! Or maybe if your crush like-likes you? Everything you wan na know is right here, in these cards, and I will tell you for the low, very appropriate price of one dollar!'' 
 
 
 You see, my mom used to question the cards ever so often when she did n't have luck in love, and she also had a very long infatuation with one of the hosts on the AstroChannel. So a lot of my childhood was spent playing with my Gameboy on the floor of the living room while my mother watched sad old housewives call in to a tv show to have their futures read and their bank accounts emptied. 
 
 I learned three things from that: 
 
 1. Never ever give a questionable tv channel your credit card information 
 2. There's a lot of people out there whose love lives suck so badly that they're willing to do pretty much everything to get a little bit of hope. 
 3. How to do a basic three card spread. 
 
 One thing I did n't learn from that was how to hold my liquor, which is, of course, how this whole ridiculous situation started. 
 
 I spent the next half hour bullshitting my way through all kinds of questions, from'How can I get through the big chem exam without failing' ( The answer was: My high tech collection of sex toys ) to'How can I get my crush to notice me?' ( A white guy named Jamal ). 
 
 Shortly after, the alcohol caught up with me and I passed out somewhere between the couch and the bathroom. The next morning, I had ten dollars more in my pocket and a headache the size of Eurasia. 
 
 I forgot about my tarot against humanity side business pretty much instantly and waded back into wrangling the sea of essays that I needed to turn in during the next couple of weeks. It was n't until about a month or so later that I realised something was definitely weird around me. 
 
 People were starting to look at me weird. 
 
 Three days later I found my way to the chem final blocked by a buzzing wall of shiny silver vibrators. A skinny asian guy had apparently tried to twister his way through it, but found out the hard way that it filled pretty much the entire hallway. He was very obviously stuck. and one of the sharp, very futuristic looking things had pushed its way somewhere it really should n't have gone without lube and the poor dude was crying with every buzz. 
 
 When he saw that I was watching he first mumbled something and then called out to the other onlookers. `` This is his doing! Everything has been going wrong ever since the party! All the printers one the campus have spat out nothing but Harry Potter Erotica since he pulled that card for Eliza. The Miller twins had to be separated because they kept performing unwilling incest on each other and they did n't stop until one of them had crossed state lines!'' 
 
 Frantically he struggled in his cage made of sex toys and I swallowed at the accusation. Dread settled low in my stomach. This could n't be true, it was absolutely impossible. 
 
 The people around me stepped as far away from me as they could get. 
 
 Defensively, I looked around, but there was no support for me. I crossed my arms and frowned. `` You ca n't seriously believe that this is some kind of magic card trick people, can you? How crazy are you all?'' 
 
 `` He's right though. Every card you pulled that night has become true.'' 
 
 I went through my spotty memories of that night. In front of me the sex toys. And I'd heard something about a Jamal singing a love song in front of the gym the other day. And I guess there was that day where everybody for some godforsaken reason woke up wearing assless chaps. 
 
 `` There's one thing that did n't happen,'' I said triumphant, `` My asshole is just fine. No bleaching at all!'' 
 
 But the second I finished that sentence I felt a burn spreading out from the general direction of my bum. It was terrible. In horror I closed my eyes and tried 
 to pretend I was n't in the middle of the most humiliating thing that had ever happened. But then I heard the voice of my mom from somewhere close and I remembered: The first card that I had pulled was'An Oedipus Complex'. 
 

