[ WP ] These are the adventures of a starship where every crew member embodies the worst stereotypes of their home country .

`` Sergei! Sergei, get your ass over here and clean up! It's a fucking puke holocaust in here, and some just got into my chins and it's a fucking mess!'' Steve waited but there was n't a response. `` Sergei? Asshole?'' 
 
 Just then, Pierre the socialist Frenchman, drifted into the cabin. 
 
 `` Have you seen the commy, Pierre?'' 
 
 `` He is bouncing around the life support. His head was stuck in a big globe of alcohol.'' 
 
 `` So he's drunk again? Fuck.'' 
 
 `` I think he is dead.'' 
 
 `` You think he's dead?'' 
 
 `` I did not check.'' 
 
 `` Why?'' 
 
 `` I was le tired.'' 
 
 Steve rubbed the clam scented sweat from his forehead and looked out the cockpit window. The rusted and pitted planet loomed ahead like a great big sugar cookie, just waiting to give its tasty secrets up. The problem was that entry into the planet's atmosphere was only thirty minutes away, and the ship still had roughly 10kps to much delta-v. Steve knew how to save the ship, but he was stuck in his chair, like some great stationary donut filled with jelly and mostly consisting of pastry that was also stuck in a chair. Sergei could have pulled off the landing, but the hairy bastard was dead, and most likely would be unable to pilot the ship. 
 
 Steve was stuck, terror and cholesterol running thick in his veins, wishing he had some bread to mop of the soupy effluence streaming from his pores. He needed a solution, he needed a plan, he needed a coke zero. Wait, that was it!'' 
 
 `` Pierre, listen to me, I need you to go get our resident Jap!'' 
 
 `` Meaaaaaaahhhh,'' Wined Pierre from beneath his beret. 
 
 `` Do n't make me get out of this chair and FUCK. YOU. UP!'' 
 
 Pierre submitted, and kicked himself towards the observation deck. Steve was glad that the Frenchman had n't called his bluff. It had been months since the leather of the seat and his own flesh had mutated into some horrifying amalgam of boot-leather and assorted detritus. He was n't getting out of the chair. Truth was, he was simply part chair now. He'd accepted it. 
 
 A middle aged Japanese man with graying hair and a scar running from his forehead across one eye bounced spryly into the room and did a flip in the absence of gravity. 
 
 `` Pierre said you needed to see me, then he began to nap.'' 
 
 `` Zero! Great! Hey, you're good with tech. I need you to land the ship.'' 
 
 `` Steve, i have great respect for you, but I will not do that. It is your destiny to land this ship, and i will not deprive you of your destiny.'' Zero spoke in an odd manner that always left Steve under the impression that the motions of Zero's mouth did n't match the words coming from it. 
 
 Steve looked out towards the looming planet and scratched his third chin, as was his habit, and then turned back to Zero. 
 
 `` Zero, I ask you to pilot this ship and you do me the great dishonor of declining?'' 
 
 Zero was did n't speak for a moment, then got into the pilots seat and strapped himself in, muttering `` Touche'' under his breath, though his mouth kept moving for several seconds after. 
 
 Elsewhere in the ship, Pierre could be heard yelling not to use `` my fucking language you culturally deprived swine!'' But this was drowned out by a low rumble as the ship hit the upper atmosphere. 
 
 `` What do i do?'' Zero asked. 
 
 `` Take the stick and pull back. We need to bleed off some of this speed. The ship will heat up, but do n't worry about that.'' 
 
 Zero did exactly as he was told but the ship veered to the right sharply, cutting off several other descending ships. Just then Steve realized he had just put the ship, the several hundred tons of hot metal hurtling through the mid-atmosphere of an undeveloped planet at thousands of meters per second in the hands of an asian driver. He shuddered and began stress eating. 
 
 Zero's hand slipped off the stick and the ship lurched again. 
 
 `` Careful, Zero! Jesus!'' 
 
 `` Lay off me, the controls are greasy, and smell like rancid butter. And I see the ground!'' 
 
 `` Right, what's our speed.'' 
 
 `` Two-thousand. Oh, and i should mention that i have no depth perception.'' 
 
 `` Fuck we're going to die!'' 
 
 `` Do n't worry Steve! our honorable destinies will prevail!'' 
 
 As Zero's mouth kept noiselessly moving, a dazed and drunken Sergei, covered in vomit and the cloying scent of nihilism, entered the cabin. He staggered up to the seat and, after unclipping Zero, bodily threw the small man out of the way, he then took the seat himself and began pressing buttons. and muttering under his breath. 
 
 `` Sergei! You're alive!'' 
 
 `` Da, capitool pig.'' He turned and looked at Steve with bloodshot eyes. `` Now vatch this, man-who-is-chair, I save.'' 
 
 He hit his chest with his fist and burped a burp which carried the scent of vomit in it, which made Steve's mouth water somehow. Then, he punched a lever forward and the whole ship shook as it maneuvered into a barrel roll which sent Zero careening around the cabin like some type of Japanese pinball or something. Pierre was also momentarily awoken from his apathetic slumber, but he quickly succumbed to the sweet embrace of his intense passivity and once again began dreaming of a sixty-five chateau blanc wine, and that was a damn fine year. 
 
 Steve himself was rooted in horror and dried fecal matter as he watched his food fall out of reach while Sergei was cussing in Russian and beating the controls with one hand. 
 
 Then, there was a lurch, a thud, and the ship came to a stop, flat on the ground and very much in one piece, albeit upside down. 
 
 Sergei dropped out of the seat with all the grace of a seasoned drinker who had been going at the engine coolant with a vengeance. He stood, dusted himself off, then looked expectantly at Steve. 
 
 Steve understood the meaning and spoke. `` Get the wrench and my rascal, Serge, I have a hunger for adventure, and we need to disconnect this chair!'' 
 
 `` Why we speak English on piece of shit Ship?'' Sergei asked. 
 
 `` Because this is The America!'' 
 

