[ WP ] You 're going to see `` The Interview '' and there is only one empty seat left , right next to an angry looking Kim Jong-Un . Share your entire theater experience .

I really need to buy a new car. I planned on getting to the theater 30 minutes ago, but the damn piece of crap wouldn ’ t start, yet again. I hurry out of my car in my Dallas Cowboys hoodie and sweatpants. Thankfully I bought my tickets for the midnight release of “ The Interview ” two days ago. Here I am finally sputtering in to the parking lot at 11:57 PM. No matter, it shouldn ’ t be too crowded. I give my ticket to the teenage punk with his shoulder length emo haircut covering his face and an “ I hate my job ” attitude. He probably wouldn ’ t even notice if I gave him a blank piece of paper. Could ’ ve saved myself 11 bucks too. 
 
 “ Theaters on your left, concessions behind me ” He mumbles while he lazily rolls his head in a half circle. 
 
 The previews should take at least 15 minutes so I ’ ve got time to get some snacks before I go grab a seat. Shouldn ’ t be too crowded since it ’ s a James Franco movie. Choosing between all of the different over-priced snacks is always a hard one, but this time I ’ m gon na have to go with the tried and true pairing of a medium popcorn and some red vines. Can ’ t go wrong with red vines. Better get a large Dr. Pepper while I ’ m here too. I hate having to go back to the concessions stand in the middle of the movie. I hate having to get up to do anything in the middle of the movie, I always feel like all eyes are on me. 
 
 Finding the right theater is easy enough, a sign for “ Taken 5: Goddamit Maggie Stop Getting Kidnapped ” is on the door to the left, while the one on the right has the advertisement for “ The Interview: Finally Released ” posted on the door. It doesn ’ t sound like the previews have even started yet, they must be running late, good for me. Hopefully most of the people are sitting in the middle or up front, I like sitting in the back. I go through the doors and walk down the dark corridor to the entrance. It sounds pretty loud in there, there must be more people than I thought. I turn the corner at the end of the corridor and come out in the middle of the theater. 
 
 What the fuck!! This place is packed. What the hell is going on?!? Scanning over the dimly lit room I see heads everywhere. Let me make my way to the top of the stairs and start up there and work my down till I find a seat. Of course the whole back 3 rows are all filled with teenagers. They ’ re all joking around giggling and staring at me. There ’ s a sea of lit up cellphones and feet sticking in the air. Making my way down the rows I see couples, more teenagers, more couples, and groups of college kids. OH Wait!! Right there, I see it. There ’ s two empty seats right next to each other down at the front on the other side. I hurriedly start squeezing through the row before somebody comes through the other door and beats me too them. 
 
 “ Excuse me ma ’ am. Excuse me sir. ” I repeat to all of the people I keep bumping into. As I get closer and closer to the seats, I can see what looks like a head in one of the seats. Dammit, it is a head. This short bastard tricked me into thinking I might possible get an empty seat next to me. Oh well, just wishful thinking, at least I found the last seat there. As I finally reach the seat, I see that the small guy sitting in the other seat looks like a weirdo. He ’ s a little Asian guy with a long black wool overcoat, and he ’ s got a very stern look on his face. I ’ d bet my last dollar it ’ s probably because of that messed up haircut he must ’ ve just got. I bet he went to GreatClips. Reminds me of when I was a kid and my mom would stick a bowl on my head and just shave around it. Horrible. Anyway, I ’ m a polite fellow so I ask him 
 
 “ Hey there sir, is anyone sitting next to you? Can I sit here? ” 
 
 “ UhhhNO ” 
 
 Does he mean no I can ’ t sit here, or no no one is sitting next to him? Oh well, I ’ ll take it to mean no ones sitting next to him. I sit down and get situated. The overly large woman to my left is using that cup holder so I ’ ll have to put my Dr. Pepper on the right. That ’ s fine, kinda serves as a border in between me and the weird guy. The previews still haven ’ t started yet so I just sit there and begin working on my popcorn. Weirdo is doing something on his phone next to me. I sit back in my chair a bit and peak over at his phone without him noticing, he ’ s watching “ Gangnam Style ”. 
 
 “ Ohhhh shit, I love that song man, turn it up a little ” I excitedly tell him. 
 
 “ NO!!! ” 
 
 “ Well what the heck man, why are you watching the video if you can barely hear it. Oh shit, you know what, you actually look a little like him. Do you know how to do the dance? You should totally do it and put it on YouTube, it would be hilarious. ” 
 
 “ Shut you mouth! I supreme reader ” 
 
 “ Supreme reader? Oh you have captions on? Ok, my bad. Sorry ” 
 
 This is already turning into an awkward movie experience, I ’ ll just shut my mouth now. If my damn car would ’ ve just started I would ’ ve made it here earlier and got a better seat. Oh well, just enjoy the movie. 
 
 Finally the previews start rolling through. Everybody is beginning to quiet down and the lights dim even more. Blah, blah, blah, another Nicholas Sparks movie, couple decent action flicks, and the last one, which actually looks pretty good is......... 
 
 “ Op, Op, Op, Opa Gangnam style! ” 
 
 “ What the fuck dude, can you turn your damn phone off, the movie is starting. ” 
 
 “ I keer you, I keer you, I feed you to dog. ” 
 
 It ’ s as if he doesn ’ t even hear me, he keeps muttering to his damn phone. The song finally ends and he ’ s still just staring at his phone muttering 
 
 “ I keer you, I keer you, I keeeerrr you all. ” 
 
 Ok, here comes the movie. Let ’ s see what all the excitement is about. 
 
 { Fast Forward 15 minutes } 
 
 “ Hahahahaha ” 
 
 Holy crap that was funny, Seth Rogen always carries James Franco in their movies. These red vines are delicious, I can ’ t believe I even thought about getting something else. 
 
 ( slurping noise ) 
 
 I look to my right and see the top of that bowl haircut pointing right at me. That damn guy is actually drinking all of my Dr. Pepper. Are you kidding me, some nerve. 
 
 “ Hey, what the hell are you doing? That ’ s my Dr. Pepper. ” 
 
 “ I wan, I take. I supreme reader. ” 
 
 I pick up my cup and it ’ s empty. That little fucker just drank the whole thing. Whatever, just finish the damn movie and get the hell out of here before he pisses me off some more. I put my box of red vines in my left pocket so he can ’ t steal those too. I set my bag of popcorn on my lap. Not that it matters, the only thing left in there are all the crumbs and kernels at the bottom. 
 
 { Fast Forward 1 hour } 
 
 Uggghhh, I shouldn ’ t have eaten all that junk food, I can feel my stomach start to tingle. Wait, that ’ s not my stomach, that ’ s my gut, and that ’ s the outside, not the inside, what the heck is that?? 
 
 I look down and see a short stubby little arm rummaging around in my popcorn bag. As he tries fishing out the kernels, he keeps grabbing me! I jump up and the popcorn bag and it ’ s remains go flying on the heavyset bald guy in front of me. Gangnam Style ’ s arm is still partially in the bag so he gets pushed up to his feet as well. 
 
 “ What kind of hanky panky you two doing over there? ” The fat lady to my left shouts. 
 
 The bald guy quickly jumps up and turns around. Now we ’ ve done it, the whole theater is looking at the loud commotion going on. My anxiety starts setting in, everyone is looking at me and this little Korean man. The fat lady is sliding away from us with a disgusted look on her face. The bald guy has a furious look on his face like he wants to pummel me. I begin to try and push past Gangnam Style so I can get to the exit. As I ’ m sliding past him in the row, he reaches his hand into my pocket and begins grabbing. 
 
 “ What the fuck are you doing?!?! Let me go you freak! ” 
 
 “ Red Rines, red rines, give me red rines! ” 
 
 He won ’ t let go so I grab his arm and try to wrestle him lose from my pocket while backing my way out in to the aisle. He falls over and still will not let go! Now I ’ m dragging him along with me while his hand is in my pocket and my pants start to fall a little. I ’ ll drag this little bastard out of here with me if I have to. The whole theater is staring. Half of them are laughing hysterically at us and pointing, while the other, older, half is gasping in horror at the perversion they are witnessing. It seems to go on forever and I begin to see camera flashes. The fat lady is screaming that I need to find jesus in my life. 
 
 “ I bring my children to this theater you sick freaks, get on out of here! ” 
 
 Finally I my anxiety boils over, I can ’ t take it anymore, I lose it, I ’ ve got to get out of here now but he won ’ t get his hand out of my pocket. I let go of his arm and jerk back as hard as I can. His hand is still in my pocket. I fall backwards and the only thing I can do is wriggle my way out of my pants. The crowd erupts as my sweatpants slide over my shoes. I blackout and can ’ t hear anything. All I see is the exit sign and I race towards it. I slip at the corner of the corridor and roll over to it. I ’ m in the sprinters position and I just take off like a gun. Fuck this place, I ’ m out of here. I barrel through the theater door and back in to the lobby. I ’ m in my hoodie, boxer briefs, and my shoes but too late, no stopping now. I run through the lobby at full speed to the exit doors and I can ’ t hear anything anymore. I can see the expression of every person in the lobby ’ s face one by one turning to a look of utter disbelief. I swing the exit door open as hard as a can and race to my car. 
 
 My fucking car. 

