[ WP ] Write a story that is so cliche that it is original

It was a dark and stormy night, and this dive was as good as any to make me forget about the rent due next week. 
 
 `` A beer,'' I said. `` Shaken, not stirred.'' 
 
 `` It's a dollar night, cowboy,'' she purred. Then she moved in closer and said: `` but just for you, it's two fifty, and may I interest you in a certain... Diamond of Osiris.'' 
 
 The Diamond of Osiris... I'd thought it was a legend. But there it was, an ancient map handed down from the inscrutable depths of history, and as she shewed me the dried black marks upon it, and as I felt the frigid grasp of their eldritch incantations upon my soul, I knew it had to be saved from the Nazis. 
 
 `` I'm in, pardner,'' said my trusty sidekick Zebulon, as he mounted his mustang and took a swig from his flask, `` all they've got here is this watered-down Irish whiskey, and by gum, I bet they got better stuff down in Egypt.'' 
 
 As we exited the cryopods four hundred years later, it quickly became clear that something was wrong. Zeb and I never spoke about it, but it was there. A dark, invisible presence on the ship, a *wrongness*, a shadow in the corner of an eye, a missing entry in the ship log, a murdered baroness in the kitchen. 
 
 Er, galley. Whatever. Point is, we were screwed, there was something evil on the ship, and it was going eat us all. So we did what any normal human being would do: we went crazy and started hunting each other with knives. The last thing I remember is Zeb going after me, this crazy look in his eyes, and... 
 
 When I woke up, the great towers of Iskandril loomed above me, and the dry winds of the Irozinian desert beat in vain against my armor, which was made of the finest steel in all of Akedon. An old wizard stood before me, his fine velvet robe covered in the dust of travel. `` I have brought for you,'' he whispered hoarsely, `` the Diamond.'' 
 
 `` Gim me,'' I said. 
 
 `` That's all you ever cared about!'' screamed the wizard. `` Your goddamn Diamond! You've only used me to get to it, like you've used Belrath the Wise! I was a fool to believe you, a fool!'' 
 
 `` Listen...'' I tried to calm him down, but he was n't listening. 
 
 `` You want your Diamond of Osiris?'' he yelled. `` Well, you'll never get it!'' 
 
 Then he stormed off, and was never seen again. 
 
 `` And that,'' said Bill, lighting a cigarette, `` is how I almost found the Diamond of Osiris.'' 
 
 `` Not bad,'' I said. `` Say, Bill, you remember that Watson kid, used to come around the shop way back when?'' 
 
 `` Sure,'' said Bill. `` What about him?'' 
 
 `` Well,'' I said, handing him the pouch, `` word has it, he got into wizardry.'' 

