[ WP ] You receive a handwritten letter from Satan himself , congratulating you on committing every possible sin .

`` Your Holiness -- `` 
 
 `` Not now!'' shouted the balding, wrinkly-faced bishop clad in his gold and white robes, swatting a fat, many-ringed hand in the young boy's direction. With the other hand he stuffed more lobster into his full, chewing mouth and licked his fingers clean. He swallowed and seemed to gasp for air for a fraction of a second. `` Come back to me when I'm less busy!'' 
 
 `` Uh, Your Holiness, sir, the man said it was very urgent -- `` 
 
 `` What, is it from that goddamned priest again? Tell him he'll get his whore-mistress back when he agrees to my demands.'' Fully relaxed and sprawled in his seat, one hand rested on his burgeoning stomach as his other one reached for the dishes exotic meats placed on the silver table before him. But he paused, an afterthought striking him. `` Or is it from the pope?!'' 
 
 `` No, it's from, er... `` The boy's eyes were downcast and his knees shaking. `` Satan.'' 
 
 The bishop's mouth closed and tightened. A taut, dark scowl stretching across his face. Scrunched eyes turned towards the young little thing. Silence. The bishop stood and trudged over to the messenger, his gargantuan girth overshadowing the little boy's frail figure. Hunching over, he lifted the shaking child's chin with his finger, his nails cutting into the child's skin, and looked into his terrified eyes. A cold smile crossed the old man's face now. `` Now, what did we say about lying, Dmitri?'' 
 
 `` I-I'm not l-lying, Your Holiness, I -- `` 
 
 `` And,'' the old bishop continued, his voice dropping to a mere whisper in the boy's ear. `` What did we say about talking back?'' He grabbed the boy's shoulders with his greasy hands, sinking his claws in. His grasp tightened until the boy was fighting back tears. `` You remember what happened to mommy, right? She did n't like it very much, Dmitri. I went easy on you last night, Dmitri. Do n't make me regret it.'' The boy nodded. `` Now, give me that letter. Run along.'' He snatched the envelope out and released the boy, letting him sprint out the door. 
 
 Now that he was alone, the bishop held the envelope to his eyes and squinted at the lettering. FROM SATAN, it said. Well, the little thing was n't wrong. He opened the letter. 
 
 `` Good day, Ol' Chap, 
 
 `` It has come to my attention that in the past year you've been making quite the overachiever of yourself! I did n't think you'd accomplish your new year's resolution so quickly but once again, Ol' Bishop's proven me wrong! Ca n't beat the bishop at his own game. 
 
 `` Theft, blasphemy, adultery, defrauding, extortion, gambling, selling drugs, bestiality, incest, assault, extreme anger, perjury, pedophilia, rape, murder, patricide, genocide, cheating at cards -- `` Strange, he did n't remember that last one. `` The list goes on! 
 
 `` Thou hast killed. Thou hast committed adultery. Thou hast stolen. Thou hast coveted! Lust, greed, gluttony, everything. Even dear Beelzebub is impressed. Good work, good sir! There is no one has sinful, wretched, and cruel in the entirety of the Earth! You the walking, talking, eating epitome of sin. 
 
 `` Now, we do have a slight problem. You committed every possible sin it is mortally possible to commit. In fact, you have committed sins faster than I can write down new ones in my book. That creates a problem, you see. My scribes ca n't keep up with the amount and frequency of your sins. You simply sin too much for hell. Could you tone it down a bit? I'm buying all the devils who work in the Human Affairs office new typewriters, so wait until then. 
 
 `` Once again, congratulations! You're quite the sinner! 
 
 `` Thanks, 
 `` Lucy.''
