[ WP ] You , a statistician , set out to figure out why there was a 93 % drop in fire related deaths in June of 1989 .

Phineas Gibbly stands in front of the room. Everyone was curious. What had happened in June 1989 to account for this precipitous drop in fire related deaths. He sets up an easel and places his charts on it which are obviously far too small. He chose not to do a Powerpoint presentation because he is old school, as the kids say. But, he knew the answer. Months of work is what it took, pouring through libraries, paper, and microfiche. 
 
 The start of the presentation nears. The room when he entered was half full, but, now, it is packed to the gills. There is standing room only. The fire deaths were a problem, oh yes, quite the problem, and, then, poof, they were not a problem. The time to start has arrived. Phineas begins. 
 
 `` Welcome everyone. Quite a turnout. I was not expecting such a turnout, but here we all are. I have figured it out. There is still much consternation about this, but, up until May 1989, 98 % of the fire-related deaths or more were due to a phenomenon called spontaneous combustion where people simply burst into flame and became, essentially, a pile of ashes. I know some like to joke about imaginary dragons being the problem, but I find that spontaneous combustion was the cause of most fire-related deaths. At the time, there were 120 fire related deaths per thousand people per year. This trend had been steadily increasing since 1975 and, then, this precipitous drop occurred in 1989. Well, I thought, spontaneous combustion does n't just stop. So, I interviewed friends and family and found something interesting. In all of these cases, people had lit their farts on fire.'' 
 
 The crowd laughs, but Phineas remains stoic. 
 
 `` And lied to any officials who investigated the deaths. In June of 1989, a campaign to fight this idiotic act came out around the world. I'm sure all of you remember it. Well, lighting farts on fire was n't linked to the spontaneous combustion at the time, but that's because lighting a fart is like lighting a fuse. The methane that builds up in your stomach is like a bomb. It may take some time to get reach that bomb, but it is deadly. After this aptly named, do n't burn your butthole campaign, we have the utopia that exists today. No more of this showing off how big a flame your flatulence could create. That is all. Any questions?'' 
 
 The audience stares at Phineas, stunned. A woman stands and raises her hand. 
 
 `` Yes, miss.'' 
 
 `` How did you determine this?'' 
 
 `` Well, I interviewed friends and family and virtually every case included fart fires within minutes or hours of the spontaneous combustion. Believing that this was silly. I tested this hypothesis on rats, the poor buggers, with a 100 % success rate. Success meaning later perceived spontaneous combustion.'' 
 
 `` No dragons?'' Someone yells. 
 
 `` No, dragons to be found or arsonists or Martians attacking with an invisible heat ray. Just good ol' fashioned juvenile behavior. We do have to be vigilant about this in the future though. No more questions?'' 
 
 `` Can we have our cake and eat it too? Can we light farts on fire and not die a fire related death?'' Screams someone else. 
 
 `` No, I'm afraid not. I did n't find a case of a single survivor that lived more than a few days.'' 
 
 The crowd grumbles en mass and stands to leave. Phineas packs up his things and heads outside. He realizes that he did n't use his charts at all. Oh well, it's not like anyone is going to publish his findings on flatulence flammability anyway. It was back to his first love, studying whale farts. 
 
 *** 
 
 If you liked this, I have more stories at r/nickkuvaas.
