[ WP ] You 've summoned a demon to assist you with your nefarious deeds . A hole opens in the floor , revealing your new helper . `` Tell me your name , '' you command . An hour later , it 's still not done making the incomprehensible sounds of its name .

Demons normally ca n't interact with the human world. We can peek into their world -- an always dangerous but potentially rewarding endeavor -- but they can not peek into ours. They can, however, be brought here. 
 
 Doing so is not a decision one should take lightly, if for no other reason than because it only works once. Even more than that, one who has summoned a demon can never reenter their realm. In other words, if you're going to summon a demon, you better make sure it's worth it because you ca n't poke your head back in looking for favors later. Nobody seems to know why this is. Some speculate that every human soul still contains a spark of the divine and this is what allows us to go to the demons in the first place; when the demon returns, it takes that spark with it, or even the soul altogether. I hold to the theory that demons just do n't like to be summoned and doing so gets you put on Hell's `` do not serve'' bulletin. Either way, this was my only shot. 
 
 And what could be worth that shot? Karen. I was going to make her life a living hell. Why, you ask? Because *fuck Karen*, that's why. 
 
 Naturally, there are certain precautions one must take before summoning a demon. There are limits to how much destruction a demon can design -- just as they ca n't come here on their own they seem to get pulled back into their realm on their own -- but they can certainly cause great calamity for anyone nearby, and that means the summoner. And so one must know how to control the demon and how to dismiss it when it is no longer wanted. 
 
 We humans tend to think little of our names, but for the eternal creatures names have power. Once you've summoned a demon the only way to dismiss it is to speak its name, and so you must learn its name. To learn its name, you must ask it, but you must do so as soon as it has been summoned, because for some reason it will tell you then. Maybe it's a bit disoriented from the trip? Information is always a bit sketchy for this sort of thing. 
 
 And so I set out to catch myself a demon. 
 
 A silk thread to bind it, a candle made of animal fat, charcoal to draw the summoning circle, and -- what my father would never let me forget as a child -- my wits about me and the knowledge to not take any wooden nickels. I snuck to a park near Karen's apartment, found a flat stone, and went to work. 
 
 With bated breath I waited, my optimism slowly deflating as I came to terms with the fact that my research probably went wrong someplace and probably there are no such things as demons anyway. But it was n't a fact! Just as I started reaching for the thread, a gentle rumbling began as a circular piece of stone began to slide down into the Earth, rubbing against the stone around it creating a horrible screeching sound that upset two dogs being walked near the park and who the fuck walks their dogs at 3am! but the owners continued on and I excitedly prepared for the demon's arrival. 
 
 The demon was about the size of Peter Dinklage and looked a bit like him, too, but did n't seem to hold one shape. Maybe it would be more accurate to say that the demon appeared to be in many shapes at once. Thankfully, I did n't forget the most important first step. 
 
 `` Demon!'' I called out, but actually in more of a yelling whisper because I did n't want to wake the neighbors, `` tell me your name!'' 
 
 The demon seemed to focus its eyes on me, and its mouth opened, sending a choking, sulfurous mist right into my face. 
 
 *Tchchkkch'kkakch -- * 
 
 I found myself suddenly disenchanted with this whole demon-summoning thing. 
 
 * -- kkeetcheetchsssssss'ssspuputk -- * 
 
 I might have been kicking myself for not bringing something to write with, but at this point it was clear that would n't have helped. 
 
 * -- jitjitkkptchbbinnn'UH'binn'UH'weetch -- * 
 
 None of my research prepared me for this. No at all, and not for the nearly two hours it went on. The sky was already hinting at the coming dawn and I had n't yet exacted my terrible revenge. 
 
 * -- ktchkthch'pptAK'kukkukkffouuu! * 
 
 I was still wondering if I had time to dash over to the gas station for a snack and coffee when I noticed the silence. 
 
 `` That's it? That's your name?'' 
 
 `` Oh, heavens no!'' The voice was much higher and more nasally than I expected. `` I'm so sorry, I've had the most terrible cold. I hope I have n't been too much of a bother. My name's Bill.'' 
 
 `` Jesus fucking Christ! All that and your name's just'Bill' --'' 
 
 And with a dull flash and a briefly lingering smell of sulfur, Bill was gone.
