[ WP ] The secret to eternal life is discovered ... and it 's really goddamn stupid .

**PART ONE** 
 
 Albert shuffled blearily through the bedroom guided by the smell of fresh coffee and propelled by the knowledge that today was Friday. Friday was Albert's favorite day of the week. On Friday Albert got to look forward to the weekend, all the things he could do on Saturday and the relaxation of Sunday morning. But Friday was the best. Saturday was always a disappointment and Sunday was always full of chores. But on Friday he could pretend that life was anything but a routine grinding his life down into old age from one day to the next. 
 
 The coffee machine had done its job well, but Albert less so. Looking down to pour fill his mug Albert realized he was wearing Marie's fuzzy pink slippers. They were really comfortable, but how had he even gotten them on. They were a good three sizes too small. Come to think of it, why were they even by the bed? Marie always had to be in homeroom to receive students before 8:00 and was always out he door before Al, and she always left her slippers in the bathroom. 
 
 `` Honey?'' Al called out, still looking down at the slippers. No answer. `` Honey?'' Al looked out the kitchen window above the sink and saw Marie's car was still in the driveway. 
 
 Marie was in the living room watching the TV on silent with the closed captioning on. She was dressed and ready for work, watching the news. Something was really off. Al put his steaming mug down beside her cold one. What was going on? 
 
 `` I did n't want to wake you,'' Marie said. She was completely fixated on the television. Something else was bothering Al but he could n't put his finger on it. 
 
 `` What is going on, honey? You're going to be late for work. Was there another attack or something?'' Al turned his attention to the news. 
 
 `` No. No attack. It's worse. I called in... I called in but no one answered. I think they'll make it a snow day... or something.'' 
 
 The ticker under the newscast was confusing. Something about letters delivered, numbers followed by county names. The closed captioned anchor was relating a warning from the local government to stay indoors if possible as the number of suicides was straining emergency response workers to extreme lengths. 
 
 `` What the hell is going on, god dammit?'' Al demanded and turned the volume up. Marie put her hand over Al's, comfortingly. `` Let's just... let's go back to bed for a while, Booboo.'' 
 
 `` Baby, you're really freaking me out.'' On the television, the newscaster closed his loop. 
 
 `` Again, if you're just tuning in, doctors with the National Academy of Sciences have released landmark findings they've apparently known about for a couple of years now: As a result of risk management research in order to best estimate the costs to life insurance companies as a result of the National Healthcare Act, they can now predict based upon publicly available the exact twenty four hour period in which any American will die. Project Cyclops has already disclosed the day of demise for millions of Americans and expect to complete its predictions by Tuesday afternoon. It will then continue to disclose this information for all Americans on their fifth birthday. Hailed by some as the greatest achievement in medical science and derided by others as the most colossal blunder in the history of the world, one thing is for certain: Nothing will ever be the same again. If you have n't yet, you can check the date of the natural death of any American on projectcyclops.com if you can provide their social security number.'' 
 
 Al looked to Marie, mouth agape. She could only raise her eyebrows in response and tilt her head to his shoulder. `` It's all they've reported on all morning. No weather or anything just this.'' Marie was holding her smart phone in her left hand. `` I've had the project cyclops app open since it was available but I have n't check it. I want to know, you know? But I do n't want to know. I keep thinking that my life insurance company is going to call and cancel with one hour's notice. Or that Mom will check my date and tell me exactly how long I have to get you to give her a fucking grandchild.'' 
 
 Al took her hand with the cell phone in it and put it between them. `` This ca n't be real. It has to be a mistake. It has to be a prank. I mean, come on. How could this be real? And what if it is? Government statistics, right? We're just taking this far too seriously. Tomorrow we'll have a news report that all the people who were supposed to die today are just fine and dandy. Come on let's get to work.'' 
 
 `` You're right. Of course you're right. What was I thinking? And so what if it's true?'' Al and Marie stood up from the couch, Al taking the forgotten coffees to be dumped. And sat right back down. 
 
 `` New information just in about Project Cyclops. The White House has an urgent announcement. We now go live to the White House press room where President Obama is addressing correspondents. Jim?'' 
 
 The screen flashed to a podium, the President already standing before the podium. `` My fellow Americans, this still young day has already become a landmark day. Millions of our countrymen have discovered the day when they will pass from this earth and into God's embrace. It was against my wishes to release this information but I was swayed by the arguments of my cabinet. Listen: We are privileged to know the day when our time is up. We can plan. For some, like the elderly or infirm, it may be no surprise they do n't have very long or they may be glad to learn they have longer than they thought. But I can now relate to you some exceptional news. The very same doctors behind Project Cyclops came to me just minutes ago with the most incredible scientific breakthrough of all time. Certainly this day will go down in history as the day that the dearest held dream of all mankind became a reality. Project Cyclops has discovered the secret of immortality. Here to explain is Doctor Friedrich Von Markstershnenburgenflür, head of Project Cyclops. Doctor?'' 
 
 The President yielded the podium to the good doctor amid a hushed anticipation as silent as a grave. The doctor cleared his throat. `` Are there any questions,'' he asked. Hands shot up. `` Yes, you.'' 
 
 `` WHAT is the secret to immortality?'' 
 
 `` Ah, yes, of course, the secret is quite simple really. Now that we know the day we will die the only trick is simply not to die that day. *If* you manage to survive that twenty four hour period your body will cease to age and you will no longer be susceptible to disease. On another note, you can now purchase banner advertisements on Project Cyclops' website for only eighty thousand dollars a day. Yes, you in the red...'' 
 
 Al shut off the television. `` This is... I mean it's absurd, is n't it? How can they possibly...'' 
 
 `` Booboo, we have to check. We have to. It's irresponsible not to.'' 

