[ WP ] `` War , war never changes '' , that is until the world becomes obsessed with silly jokes and decides to solve conflicts according to who can come up with the silliest joke .

Everything appeared to be well in the UN Army Base N1. The paint cannons were always loaded, the patrols were constant and ready, earplugs in to avoid surprise jokes, and there had n't been an attack in months. 
 
 But General Doug could n't help but feel that something was wrong. 
 
 He did n't have a reason for it. Maybe it was just nerves. But being in charge of an entire army base, especially one like N1, was a serious business, even considering the method of war. He could n't simply ignore the feeling of being watched. He was *sure* President Jackson of the USA had sent a spy. 
 
 But no matter how much he searched, he could n't find a single hint of a spy. Everyone knew each other. All the records were sound. 
 
 Starting to get desperate, he decided to ask some of the more secretive aspects of N1 about it. 
 
 Ten minutes of walking later, he found himself standing in front of a small door, embedded in a plain steel wall down in the deepest basement of the garage. Taking a breath, he knocked, then puffed out his chest to display his rank. 
 
 When the door creaked open, the room behind was completely dark. Carefully, Doug edged inward. `` Hello? Weapons Testing?'' 
 
 The room exploded with light, and Doug found himself surrounded by grim-faced clowns. One of them stepped forward, the painted smile on his face a sharp contrast to the cold in his eyes. `` What do you need?'' 
 
 Doug tried to gaze around, but found his line of sight blocked by dozens of helium balloons. He cleared his throat. `` Ahem. So, I was wondering if you happened to have something in development that I could use to, say, find a spy in our ranks?'' 
 
 The clown growled. `` We make weapons, not intel! Go ask D.R.U.M. They should have it.'' He shoved Doug out the door. `` Have a good day, Sir.'' 
 
 The door slammed shut, and he was left alone in the dark, dank hallway again. He shivered. That room always gave him the willies. 
 
 -- - 
 
 Dark Radio Undercover Management. That was the title on the door he faced now. This was a place he'd been to once before, on a routine inspection. Every computer had been whirring, people sitting intently at their keyboards, typing furious commands and building special radios and beacons. 
 
 He knocked, and there was a brief scuffle on the other side, a laugh or two, before the door opened. `` Jeff, where you been? We've been waiting ages for those pizzas, so they'd better still be wa & dash:'' 
 
 The voice died off abruptly when the soldier on the other side caught sight of Doug. A bit confused, the general glanced behind the soldier into the room, and saw that every computer was off, every light was dark... except for one over a single table, where everyone sat with cards in their hands. There were a couple interns there as well, and even the Head of Chefs Livens. 
 
 Someone coughed. 
 
 Doug sighed. `` I see.'' He pushed his way inside. `` You should all be ashamed. You can play cards perfectly well during break times.'' 
 
 The soldier nodded sheepishly. `` Right, sir. I'm sorry sir.'' 
 
 Shaking his head, Doug dismissed the topic. `` Nevermind. I came to ask if you happened to have some sort of device that would let me know if I was being followed.'' 
 
 One of the soldiers at the table perked up immediately. `` Oh! I've always wanted to make a sonar detector with a minute memory to detect specific moving objects and remember them for later!'' 
 
 Doug raised an eyebrow. `` O... okay. I assume that's what I'm looking for?'' 
 
 The solider nodded enthusiastically. `` We do n't have one at the moment, but I can make one. I'll give you a call when it's ready!'' 
 
 Doug was about to nod his thanks when the door burst open again, and an old man in a cooks apron, holding a stack of pizza boxes. `` All right, youngin's! Who's ready to & mdash;'' He spotted Doug and stumbled, nearly dropping the pizza. 
 
 Doug sighed. `` Enjoy. But remember that we need to stay on high alert! Slackers do n't help when we get attacked!'' 
 
 He turned to leave, but the younger soldier jumped up. `` Wait! I need your number so I can tell you when it's done!'' 
 
 `` Right.'' Doug stopped, and called over his shoulder. `` Write it down, cause I'm not going to tolerate it if you forget.'' He listed off a couple numbers, with the soldier taking one of the boxes from the returned Jeff and writing on the lid. 
 
 `` Got it!'' The soldier clicked his pen. `` Thank you, sir! I'm Cliff, by the way.'' 
 
 `` Good work, Cliff.'' Doug nodded, one more time, and then left. If he stayed much longer he would have to take a slice of pizza with him. 
 
 -- - 
 
 Tuesday morning, Doug was woken to his phone ringing. Trying to jerk himself awake, he sat up fast. But that only made the blood rush from his head, so he took an extra couple seconds to steady himself before grabbing his phone off of the dresser. `` Yes, hello?'' 
 
 Cliff's excited voice broke through. `` I finished it, sir!'' 
 
 The fog in Doug's brain cleared immediately. `` Did you now? Hang on, I'll be right there!'' He could n't help sounding a bit eager too, not with how cheerful Cliff was. 
 
 He rushed to throw his uniform on, and was at the D.R.U.M. within minutes. The door opened before he could even knock, and Cliff stood there with a small tablet in his hand and a grin on his face. `` Good morning, sir! Look!'' 
 
 The soldier held the screen up, and Doug took it. `` Aha! So, how does it work?'' 
 
 Cliff pointed his fingers at the screen. `` This thing detects every object in the building. Then, it takes that information, and shows you what is moving. Buuuut,'' he flicked his finger up, `` The best part is that it tracks everything, so if something NEW shows up, it's portrayed as red instead of blue. It also watches for things that stay within a certain radius around you. The longer and closer an object is, the darker it gets!'' 
 
 Doug looked closely. `` So that nearly solid blob there is you, right? And the more transparent one next to it is me?'' 
 
 `` Correct, sir!'' Cliff nodded. `` I've been working with it for a little while now, so it recorded me for a lot longer. You can reset it whenever you want by clicking this button & mdash;'' He tapped the screen, `` & mdash; and then clicking confirm. Unfortunately, it will take a while to find out if someone is actively following you.'' 
 
 `` Right, right.'' Still looking at the screen, Doug noticed something. `` What did you mean it said again when red stuff popped up?'' 
 
 `` Um... It means that something new is being picked up, a new object or person that is n't known to the system.'' 
 
 `` Why are there lots of them?'' 
 
 Cliff glanced at the screen, and then paled. `` That... that's outside the base! There are people moving toward the base! Sir, did you send out a patrol recently? A really *big* patrol?'' 
 
 `` No... I did n't. This is bad, is n't it?'' Doug stood up. `` We need to be ready! Enemy troops approaching! Why have n't the scouts seen them yet?!'' 
 
 All of a sudden, the screen started flickering with static, and a horrible buzzing noise burst out of the speakers. Cliff snatched it up, and tapped around for a moment. `` Sir, maybe it's just a false alarm. This is still a prototype, after all.'' He kept mumbling to himself. `` Though I do n't understand why...'' 
 
 Doug called up the scouts on his radio while Cliff worked. `` Patrol 35! Do you see enemy troops outside?'' 
 
 The voice came back, crackling. `` Uhm... no sir! Just empty wasteland, all the way up to the canyon!'' 
 
 `` I think it must be a malfunction, sir. This thing is broken.'' Cliff turned it off, and then started powering it up again. `` I'm sorry. I'll have it working as soon as possible!'' 
 
 `` That's okay, soldier.'' Doug patted cliff on the shoulder. `` Just keep up the hard work. Next time, lets not get the armies into a panic though.''
