[ WP ] A freak explosion occurs at a bio-medical research laboratory while scientists are celebrating a recent breakthrough over some beers . The explosion creates an airborne virus that causes inebriation . A pandemic of drunks ensues .

My fellow Americans... hang on... I need a second here. Ok... My fellow Americans... we need to *Not drive any cars*. Seriously. Like, really seriously. Do n't drive cars. We're all really shitfa... intoxicated... and our science guys are trying to fix it... but we really need everybody to..ok... hang on... need to [ Vomits on podium ]. Sorry... wow... this is really embarassing... OK, listen. We need everybody to not drive cars, or fly airplanes... what was the other one? [ Unintelligible to somebody off camera ]..OH! Yeah! NO GUNS! Seriously, I know guns are fun as fuck, but we need to not shoot any guns right now. In fact, do n't even touch them. Just... leave them where they are, and nobody mess with the guns. That goes for you too, Army guys... just... no guns, ok? 
 
 Anyway... we got some awesome science guys all up in this bitch, and we're gon na sober America the fuck up... but in the meantime, do n't do any of the stuff I just said. And, if anybody... yeah, do n't... just do n't fuck with anything for a few days, ok? Like, just watch TV and do n't try to do anything. 
 
 OH! Yeah, there's pretty much gon na be no government stuff, because the firefighters and doctors and shit are all really fucked up too. Cant be helped. And, I'm not gon na sign any laws or anything, unless they're really awesome, because that could be bad. And I'd suggest we ignore anything the Supreme Court does too, cause who the fuck knows what those guys will get up to in their stupid pillary building over there... 
 
 Anyway, thanks for watching, and I hope somebody remembered to film this.
