[ wp ] after dying god informs you that hell is a myth , and `` everyone sins , its ok '' . instead the dead are sorted into six `` houses of heaven '' based on the sins they chose .

Let me just start by saying, if you knew how anti-climactic dying actually is, you wouldn ’ t spend so much of your life worrying about it. Seriously. In fact, if you knew what truly awaited you in the afterlife, I ’ d wager some of you wouldn ’ t bother working so hard to keep yourselves alive at all. Does that sound callous? Sorry. I ’ ve been up here for a while. Big G warned me I might be a bit “ out of touch ” when he asked me to sit down with you and tell you about heaven. In fact, he asked me not to editorialize about the whole dying thing at all. He ’ s kind of a needy guy, when it comes to keeping in touch with his “ children. ” Kind of like your mom in that first month when you left for college, but times 30 billion. He ’ s got it in his head that, if you guys stopped being afraid of dying, you probably wouldn ’ t stay in touch as often or go through so much trouble to celebrate him. I mean, who wouldn ’ t want to have a temple built in their name, I guess. 
 
 Anyway, let ’ s back to the story so I can get back before the party starts tonight. Where was I? Oh, yeah. 
 
 I had no idea I was slated for death. Seriously. For me, it was just another Friday, and I had work to do. Allen, my associate, had come for dinner. Rosie, my maid ( and also a hot little number ) had braised a lamb to perfection, bless her. She couldn ’ t have done better if she ’ d known it was going to be my last supper. 
 
 We talked business while we ate, and we drank scotch and relaxed while we digested both the food and each other ’ s comments. It had been a busy day, and I hadn ’ t had a chance to read the morning paper, which was sitting on the end table beside me. I reached over, and grabbed it. I was still reading the headlines when it happened. I took two shots to the head. But to be honest, I was gone before I even knew anything had happened. 
 
 I thought I was dreaming for the first few minutes. I was on this pristine white escalator. I was all alone. I couldn ’ t remember what I had been doing, but it didn ’ t matter because the sunlight peeking through the clouds above was warm, there was relaxing music playing in the background, and a smell in the air that I actually still can ’ t place to this day but that brought on a flood of nostalgia. I couldn ’ t remember the last time I ’ d been so carefree, even in a dream. 
 
 The nostalgia brought me down a rabbit hole, though. I don ’ t actually know how long I stood at the top, day dreaming absentmindedly about my childhood – the friends I had, the things my family used to do, the smell of my mom ’ s perfume. 
 
 I didn ’ t notice Big G right away. I don ’ t know how long he stood there, looking at me, before I finally zoned back in and noticed him. It was kind of a weird vibe though, like he had been able to watch what I had been reminiscing about, as well. He later told me that that ’ s the whole “ life flashing before your eyes ” thing, and it is kind of weird so just be prepared for that. The rest is awesome. 
 
 Big G definitely got a kick out of me. Took him a long time to convince me that I wasn ’ t dreaming, I was actually dead. He had to resort to bringing me to his garden and showing me my life in his wishing well. I couldn ’ t deny that it was me being loaded onto the stretcher with two gunshot wounds to my head. I always knew I was in a dangerous business. 
 
 The thing is, I had always just assumed I ’ d be going to hell. Well, maybe not always, but from a pretty young age. I had made my peace with it long ago. And I had done some bad things along the way to pave my road to hell, just to make sure the trip wouldn ’ t be in vain. Finding out that the whole thing was a lie Big G made up to keep the kids in line was a pretty big letdown. 
 
 He did have a pretty solid argument for keeping the charade up all these years. He explained that keeping the sins in check was the only way that so many of his children could live on such a tiny planet together. He also explained the science behind the current iteration of the study he is conducting and why he needs human beings on planet earth. Keeping the sins free in paradise, he explained, was the only way to ensure that his children would want to return. 
 
 It was around this time that what he called the “ trolley ” showed up. I ’ d say trolley is a pretty far stretch because the thing looked like a fucking roller coaster to me. We strapped ourselves in, and Big G whopped as we raced away, immediately dropping 10 feet and then going up 50. 
 
 It was on top of that hill that it all began to make sense to me. The layout of heaven is part college campus, part Las Vegas, and part amusement park. As far as the eye can see, there are magnificent old buildings, Well-manicured parks and pavilions, even a water feature or seven. The trolley ran through the entire thing, and although it wasn ’ t clear what each district was at first, it was very clear that each district had a very different way of decorating. You ’ re thinking lights, you ’ re thinking colours, you ’ re thinking statues and shrubbery-trimmed monuments. This place is out of this world. 
 
 But from this view, it kind of does have its creepy amusement park side where you begin to understand that if you aren ’ t playing the game, the game is playing you. 
 
 At lest Big G will be straight with you. He ’ s a businessman, as well, after all. You ’ ve put in your lifetime, you ’ ve earned the right to an eternity of sin. But you must choose only one, and once you ’ ve decided, you must stay within that sin ’ s border. 
 Big G is a fair man, also, though in an on-the-books kind of way. And it ’ s your lucky day. If you sign this contract agreeing to go back for another lifetime, give him another case study, he ’ ll let you pick a second, and a third, and so on. 
 
 Although he admits very few people ever make it through to 7. He finds that three, sometimes four, is usually sufficient. 
 
 See, the thing is, as he ’ s explaining this whole thing to me, we both begin to realize that I know what he ’ s talking about and I can recognize every single territory out there before he names it – every territory but… 
 
 Greed. 
 
 How apt. A smile crosses my face as it all falls into place inside my head. I had a hell of a lifestyle. I lived my life like I wasn ’ t afraid of dying, and I didn ’ t have time for regrets. I begged. I borrowed. I stole. And then I built an empire on other people ’ s suffering. I did what I wanted and I loved every minute of it. 
 
 In fact, I built a little hotel and casino that, it seems to me, would kind of fit in to this whole paradise setup. Is there any way that could really be a coincidence? 
 
 Big G saw it too, like the whole “ life flashing before your eyes ” thing, in a creepy way. “ Greed, ” he nodded at me, and the greed district lit up to my senses. Delicous, delicious greed. 
 I have to admit, it ’ s pretty humbling to have Big G be in awe of you. There are only a handful of us here with all-access passes, the high rollers, if you will. We get a new one every couple decades, it seems. 
 
 I get it, though. Those contracts? Man, the paperwork can be a realdrag. And then you ’ ve got to go down to the office and do the whole life blue print, and then you ’ ve got to wait for it to get approved, and the list goes on. But hey, now that we ’ ve got Steve Jobs back up here, maybe we can talk him in to making the whole application wireless. 
 
 Anyway, as I was saying when we first met, don ’ t spend too much of your life worrying about death. We ’ re all going to the same place at the end of the day. 

