[ WP ] Satan prevents a suicide .

`` Kid, put the fuckin' gun down.'' 
 
 I thought I recognized the voice, but could n't place it. I certainly had never met the man who now stood in my living room, looking around as if he owned the place. This might've concerned me if I had n't planned on leaving so soon; as it was, I was just pissed that he'd broken my concentration. 
 
 `` Fuck you,'' I say, not knowing what else to say. `` Who the fuck are you? Get out of here.'' 
 
 `` Hey, now,'' he says, sounding almost amused. `` That's no way to talk to your... well, someone who knows you better than you know yourself, let's leave it at that. Now put the gun down.'' 
 
 `` Get out of my house,'' I say, more pissed off now. `` Or I'll shoot.'' 
 
 `` You wo n't,'' the man says, in that same amused, condescending tone. `` Shit. You ca n't pop yourself, let alone anything else. You cried in Bio when you had to dissect that pig last year. But if you really think you can,'' he continues. `` You're welcome to try. It's been awhile since anyone's tried to off me. Last asshole tried a wooden stake, for all the good it did him. Do I look like a goddamn vampire to you?'' 
 
 `` What the hell...'' I sputter. None of this makes any sense. `` Who are you? How did you find me?'' 
 
 `` The same way I find everybody else,'' he says. `` Who's about to do what you were. And as far as who I am, you were pretty close with'hell.' I *was* going to come collect this worthless thing you call a soul, but fuck it, I've got enough whiny bastards like you.'' 
 
 `` I do n't get it,'' I say, and I still truly do n't. 
 
 `` I'm Satan, you stupid fuck. The Devil, Beelzebub, the Lord of Darkness. I came here to take your soul but like I said, I've got enough whiny bastards like you.'' 
 
 `` I'm a Christian,'' I reply. `` I was baptized.'' 
 
 `` And suicide's a mortal sin. Hell, I took a priest earlier this afternoon.'' 
 
 `` Whatever. Anything's better than this.'' 
 
 `` You say that. They all do. Let me tell you what happens when you pull that trigger. First, because you're a fuckin' moron, you're gon na go side-on instead of in the mouth, so you're gon na still have your brain stem and hypothalamus. If you'd paid attention in Bio instead of crying about that bitch Suzie Turner you'd know that those two parts of your brain keep you alive. So you get to linger in a coma, in pain, while your parents cry and your worst enemies talk some bullshit about what a great guy you were. Not that you'll know any of this. Then you've got an eternity of being tortured to look forward to. And I do n't mean physical shit. I ai n't into that BDSM shit I've seen you pulling it to. Watching everybody grow old, be happy, live their lives and forget about you. Forget you ever existed. Watching your grave grow over, torn up to make a new mini-mall.'' 
 
 `` I...'' I want to say something here, to offer some retort. 
 
 `` You think it wo n't happen. Pull the trigger, then. Regret it. Or put the damn gun down, tell your parents you love them, and the next time that prick Tyler asks you why you have n't offed yourself yet, tell him you're the whiny little bastard that made Satan take pity on him.''
