[ WP ] A man that is socially awkward goes to a party full of mind readers .

My name is Robert Van Witt. Everyone calls me Robbie but I wish they ’ d call me Rob. I don ’ t correct them anymore because when I would, it ’ s like they didn ’ t hear. I ’ m trudging up a hill to my buddy Tyler ’ s birthday party. I don ’ t really want to go. He ’ s turning 16, same age as me. I ’ d be pedaling this incline but my bike is out of commission. It ’ s not a long story. Basically I ’ m a target. I don ’ t fight back. The insecure pick on me; the secure could care less. So it ’ s like victimless. Last Wednesday Brandon snatched my bike from my hands, hefted it way up, bellowed, “ This is Sparta! ” and heaved it into the wall. Now the front rim ’ s all bent. What gets me though is people laughed at a botched reference. 
 
 But if I ’ d biked I ’ d get sweaty and when I sweat I stink. Any deodorant I use starts to smell like me, or I start to smell like it, or something ’ s off. Either way it all reeks. It ’ s bad enough when my shirt soaks through and makes me wince when I sit back against a chair but I can live with that. It ’ s when I sweat and I start to smell really bad, or worse yet when I suspect that I may but I just can ’ t tell. I ’ m convinced every time a girl puts on lotion it ’ s to cover my odor. 
 
 I ’ ve got this sick habit, a compulsion really, where I feel that I reek all the f ’ in time. Well when I ’ m around people. I think it ’ s me focusing my anxiety on something physical, explainable. So I ’ m always retreating to the toilet, which reeks, to check my pits, which reek, to reapply speed stick, which reeks less. You don ’ t want to know how many bars I go through. I order them in bulk, let ’ s leave it at that. 
 
 The thing about the socially anxious, is that we are not wholly convinced of our inferiority. Well, that I assume, as I make it a point to avoid those who remind me of myself. But I believe we are not wholly convinced of our inferiority. We recognize it at times, strongly at times. But there is a certain awareness, an innate intelligence necessary to recognize this. The dull do not know they are incompetent. Let me clear this up. I hate myself. I believe I am a god. I loathe and love myself; the love is more distant. I am at once fearful and prideful. Ashamed and arrogant. These beliefs are separate but linked, like joined rings. 
 
 I make it to Tyler ’ s at the top of the hill. The Ryan ’ s and Will are headed this way but about a block off. I don ’ t think they see me but I avert my gaze anyway. The clouds in the sky are rows of cotton. Sometimes I feel like a slave. I don ’ t knock I just walk right in. I ’ m family here Tyler ’ s mom says but I don ’ t feel it. Or maybe like the one guy who doesn ’ t speak at the reunions. There ’ s nobody here. All in the backyard, something dissonant is trailing through the screen door, that means Abdur is here, the self-appointed dj at all gatherings. I hate entrances. I make for the bathroom. 
 
 “ Robbie! ” it ’ s Kim, she ’ s inches from my face. I jump. 
 
 “ You ’ re so oblivious! ” she ’ s smiling with both rows of chompers. This kind of offends me. I ’ m highly observant it ’ s just I get overwhelmed. 
 
 “ Sorry, ” I offer. 
 
 “ Don ’ t get mad, maybe just look where you ’ re going. ” it creeps me out when she smiles like this. She doesn ’ t have dead eyes or a weird twitch or anything, it ’ s just so much face to take in. 
 
 “ I ’ m so happy you ’ re finally here. ” yeah, well I ’ m not. “ Here I want to show you something, ” She grabs my hand. This girl is always trying to jump my bones and she isn ’ t shy about it. 
 
 “ Actually I got ta take a leak. ” 
 
 “ No you don ’ t. And you smell fine. ” 
 
 “ Uh, ” 
 
 “ C ’ mon, ” she drags me into Tyler ’ s bedroom and pushes me onto the bed, closing the door behind us. “ Check this out, ” she ’ s showing me a photo on her phone, it ’ s real out-of- focus. 
 
 “ Oh, neat. ” 
 
 “ Yeah I just got her this morning. ” 
 
 “ I didn ’ t know you liked rats. ” 
 
 “ She ’ s a Pomeranian! ” 
 
 “ Oh, yeah, I can see that. ” 
 
 She ’ s giving me this sidelong stare. Eye contact I struggle with. I can ’ t remember how long it ’ s been this way. 
 
 “ So…IshouldgofindTyler. ” at least I didn ’ t stutter, “ Ok seeya! ” 
 
 She clasps my shoulder, firmly. She ’ s a rock climber. She ’ s still giving me this stare. I think she thinks it ’ s sexy, smoky. She leans in close. I feel like I ’ m in traction. She ’ s whispering in my ear, hot and wet. I ’ m having a lot of trouble focusing on what she ’ s saying. I know I ’ m getting red. All I can think is I pray that no one walks in. 
 
 “ Hey you know what? It ’ s the damndest thing, ” yes I talk like this. “ I just remembered my Grandma ’ s in the hospital, yeah bad UTI, and I promised my mom I ’ d call her and she takes her afternoon nap at three and would you look at the time! ” I sort of duck and twist under her arm to extricate myself. 
 
 “ No she isn ’ t. Why are you so nervous? ” 
 
 Because last time you squeezed my sack so hard I almost cried. “ Nervous? Me? ” 
 
 “ Fine, ” she ’ s got her arms crossed looking stony-eyed, like through me, “ And you don ’ t even want to go to the movies tomorrow…remind me again why we ’ re even a thing? ” 
 
 “ What? Yes I do! I ’ ll text you. ” I skedaddle out of there and beeline for the toilet. 
 
 When I make it outside I see, thank God, we ’ re not all sitting around the table. It ’ s a clean crowd for the most part and they ’ re sugar buzzed. Will and Sarah are jumping on the tramp and the Ryan ’ s, Jim, Kari, Kevin, and Megan are playing basketball. Tyler and Abdur are sitting in plastic lawn chairs by the stereo passing a vaporizer. 
 
 “ Robbie! ” 
 
 “ Why hello there gents, ” 
 
 “ Pull up a seat, catch up, ” Abdur goes to pass me the MLFB. 
 
 “ No thanks, ” I can only partake in private, or social interaction goes from nerve wracking to excruciating. 
 
 “ Suit yourself, ” Abdur ’ s wearing shades, the Visine only goes so far. 
 
 “ You seen Kim? ” Tyler asks, “ She said she was coming. ” 
 
 “ Uh, no. ” The sun ’ s in my eyes. 
 
 “ She ambushed you inside? ” Tyler ’ s smiling. 
 
 “ You need to just be straight with her man, ” Abdur is gon na make for a great life-coach someday. 
 
 “ I know… ” 
 
 “ Your problem is you try so hard to please everyone, you don ’ t think about yourself. And when you do that, you ’ re cheating them. Well I mean not Kim, she feeds on that but- ” 
 
 “ Tell me about it. ” 
 
 “ Look buddy, I know exactly how you feel, ” Abdur raises his shades and wants to have like a man to man moment. Goddamnit. “ You feel like you have to make people happy, comfortable. Well you can ’ t man. You literally can not worry about that. When you try so hard you ’ re doing the opposite – you ’ re putting people on edge. They can tell. We can tell, ” He waggles a hitchhiker ’ s thumb between himself and Tyler, “ I used to be like you man, so worried all the time about what people think. But here ’ s the thing – you can ’ t do an effin thing about it. People want the real you man, not like this persona you try so hard to portray. I know because that was me. And believe me, when you ’ re brown in a town like this people stare. But you just got ta straighten up, brush it off, tell yourself you have the same right as anyone else to be here. Look, I had it bad and I got over that sh*t. If I could there ’ s no reason you can ’ t. ” 
 
 “ …I know, ” my head ’ s declined, I ’ m shaking it in solemn agreement. 
 
 “ No you don ’ t! See this is exactly what I ’ m talking about. You ’ re agreeing with me but you aren ’ t really. Tell me to f**k off! Don ’ t be a people pleaser! ” 
 
 “ Hey you got any SpaceApe on there? ” thank you Tyler. 
 
 “ Kode9, hell yeah! ” 
 
 The sun ’ s frying me like an egg on blacktop. “ I got ta take a pisser, ” 
 
 “ Sure, ” 
 
 The party ’ s really winding down now. They were splitting cake around the table when I was headed back out earlier and I pretended like I forgot my present for Tyler at home. I walked a couple blocks down the hill to the park and sat myself on a bench and smoked a Marb light and hated myself for it. It ’ s pathetic and I know it. 
 
 “ Tyler, this is for you. ” 
 
 “ Thanks buddy! Okay, let me guess, ” he shakes the package with a wry grin. “ Blue Velvet. ” 
 
 “ How… ” 
 
 “ You must ’ ve hinted at it last week or something. Hey Rob, I ’ m glad you could make it. Really, it means a lot. ” 
 
 “ Of course my dude! Just can ’ t believe I forgot your present at home. Missed the cake, ” 
 
 “ Yeah. So we still doubling tomorrow? ” 
 
 On the way back, kicking myself in penitence, I sigh and look skyward. The clouds are gossamer now, like gauze I think. 
 

