[ WP ] Instead of sealing away the ancient evil for another millennium , the hero decides to just kill it . Nobody told them what happens .

**The Misadventures of Dale and Luke: The Nargoth Temptress** 
 ***** 
 
 Dale and Luke follow the old monk up the rocky mountainside to the monster's lair. They arrive at a flat ledge cut into the rocks where the mountain wall has been sanded smooth and the faintest outline of a door can be seen. 
 
 `` Behind that stone lies an evil too horrifying to comprehend—so evil that only the most pious members of my order learn of it.'' The monk gazes at the rock and frowns. `` The *nargoth* and her handmaidens.'' 
 
 `` The... what?'' asks Luke. `` Did you say'nargoth'?'' He pulls out a small book and begins to flip through it. 
 
 `` We call her many names, none more accurate than She Who Pulls At Cocks,'' says the monk. `` A demon temptress, she is.'' 
 
 Dale's face lights up at the word'temptress.' `` And we need her to go back to sleep?'' he asks with a grin. `` Because—and I'm not exaggerating here—I am *amazing* with my tongue, if you know what I mean.'' 
 
 `` Oratory and rhetoric have no place in this battle,'' says the monk, shaking his head. `` No matter how learned you may be.'' 
 
 Dale opens his mouth but Luke elbows him in the ribs. `` I'm sure we can find another way to put her back to sleep,'' says Luke, pocketing his book. `` But my monster's compendium does n't have an entry for a'nargoth,' so maybe you can fill us in a little?'' 
 
 `` No, no, I'm sorry.'' The monk rummages through his bag. `` You may be a strong wizard, and your companion a hearty warrior, but the two of you overflow with youth's vigor. I dare not describe the monstrous nargoth out loud. Even the tamest description of her dark beauty drives young monks to madness. Here, take these.'' He hands a blindfold to Dale and Luke. `` Once we are inside, it is forbidden for any monk to look upon the nargoth or her cursed handmaidens.'' 
 
 `` But we're not monks,'' protests Luke. 
 
 `` Yeah, we've seen plenty of naked ladies,'' adds Dale. `` Well, I have, at least.'' 
 
 `` It is forbidden!'' The monk stomps his foot and thrusts the blindfolds into the adventurers' hands. `` Only pious men, free from physical temptation, may look upon the nargoth.'' 
 
 `` So...'' Dale looks meaningful at the monk's crotch. 
 
 The monk nods sadly. `` Limp as a noodle.'' 
 
 Dale claps the monk on the shoulder. `` At least you had your glory days banging nuns, am I right?'' 
 
 `` Actually,'' says the monk with a heavy sigh, `` I took a vow of chastity.'' 
 
 Dale gently cups the old monk's shaved head and peers sorrowfully into the man's eyes. `` That is the *saddest* thing I've ever heard.'' 
 
 `` You should have seen my erections,'' says the monk, wiping a tear from his cheek. `` They were magnificent.'' 
 
 `` I'll bet they were, ol' buddy, I'll bet they were.'' 
 
 The monk sniffs. `` Anyway, let us open the door.'' He gestures to Dale. `` Did you bring the fresh-cut hair of three virgins?'' 
 
 Dale pulls a bag of brown, blonde, and black hairs from his belt pouch. `` It does n't matter if the virgins later became... *not* virgins, right?'' 
 
 The monk shrugs. `` Many women go on to bear children, it is part of the divine plan.'' 
 
 `` Yeah but what if the virgins were, like, virgins when the hair was cut but maybe ten minutes later they were n't?'' 
 
 Luke glares at Dale. `` You know he meant for you to get some hairs from *children*, right?'' 
 
 `` Oohhhh,'' says Dale, blushing. `` That would have been way cheaper.'' 
 
 The old man turns to Luke. `` And you, wizard, did you bring the cat tails and warm cow feces?'' 
 
 Luke shudders and pulls two small jars out of his bag. `` I ca n't believe that he got to collect the hair of virgins—'' 
 
 `` Ask me where the hair was located,'' says Dale with a wicked smile. 
 
 `` —And I spent three days catching wild cats and staring at cow butts.'' 
 
 The old man shrugs and combines the ingredients in a wooden bowl, then smears the resulting paste onto the mountain rock. Pebbles tumble down as the stone splits open, revealing an opening into the mountain. He turns to the adventurers and gestures to the blindfolds. 
 
 `` Remember, these terrible creatures have seduced many young monks. Take great care, and try to ignore their seductive bleating.'' 
 
 `` Their... *bleating? *'' whispers Dale to Luke. Luke shrugs. 
 
 They slip on the blindfolds and step into the tunnel. 
 
 `` It smells like a barn in here,'' says Luke. 
 
 `` That would be the nargoth's seductive musk.'' The monk's voice leads the adventurers deeper into the tunnel. With their hands on one wall, they feel their way around a corner. 
 
 `` May the gods have mercy, we have arrived,'' whispers the monk. 
 
 Dale jabs Luke in the ribs. `` Dude, take a look.'' 
 
 Luke peeks one eye out from the blindfold. He sighs and pulls off the cloth. In front of the men are a small herd of dirty sheep. 
 
 `` Baaa,'' says the biggest sheep. 
 
 The monk gasps and quickly claps his hands over Luke's eyes. `` You fool,'' he hisses, `` you doom your immortal soul!'' 
 
 `` Get off me, you weirdo!'' Luke pushes the monk backwards, sending the old man sprawling into a crusty pile of sheep shit. `` I ca n't believe that anyone falls for this bullshit.'' 
 
 `` But the nargoth, she calls to us,'' moans the monk. `` My own cousin, I watched as he could n't resist her charms.'' 
 
 `` I'll *bet* you watched,'' says Dale with a giggle. 
 
 `` They are magic sheep,'' says the monk, `` if they escape, our legends warn that a horrible calamity will fall upon the land.'' He scrambles to his knees and clutches at Luke's robe. `` Please wizard, you must put them to sleep again!'' 
 
 Luke flinches in disgust and plucks at the monk's forearms, away from his dirty hands. Behind the monk, Dale steps forward, his sword in hand. He raises the blade and beheads one of the smaller sheep. 
 
 The monk's head whips around. `` Noooo!'' 
 
 Luke holds the monk by the collar as Dale makes quick work of the remaining animals. Luke wrinkles his nose. `` Let's get out of this hillbilly brothel, please.'' The adventurers turn to leave. Behind them, the monk weeps. 
 
 `` Doomed us all,'' he cries, `` you've doomed us all.'' 
 
 Luke rolls his eyes. `` Do you even know what this'horrible calamity' is supposed to be, old man?'' 
 
 The monk wipes his wet cheeks with the back of his hand and sniffs. `` Society will collapse into anarchy. Men laying with men, women laying with women. Extramarital sex! Women owning businesses, wearing pants! Dancing!'' He shudders and cradles his head in his hands. `` We have forsaken our morality. We are doomed.'' 
 
 Dale and Luke exchange a confused glance. 
 
 `` Uh, you know that all of those things have been around forever, right?'' asks Dale. `` Like, I've had loads of extramarital sex and nothing bad has ever happened to me—'' 
 
 `` —unless you count an incredible amount of STDs,'' mutters Luke. 
 
 `` —which no one does because they were totally *curable*.'' Dale pats the weeping monk on the back. `` Anyway, listen, you remember that vow of chastity you took?'' 
 
 `` Y-yes?'' 
 
 `` Total waste of time. See ya!'' 
 ***** 
 If you liked this story, you might like my other Dale and Luke stories at /r/TMODAL. I also have all my stories at /r/hpcisco7965. 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

