[ WP ] Along your daily commute through the city , you 're absolutely CERTAIN that a puma is following you ... or is it a jaguar ?

`` Hello, Animal Care and Control. This is Adam. How may I help you today?'' 
 
 `` Uh, hey, Adam. I have an... animal problem,'' I said awkwardly. 
 
 `` Would you like to report a stray animal, sir?'' he asked, a touch of irritation coloring his voice. 
 
 `` I'm in immediate danger, I think, Adam. An animal seems to be... stalking me.'' 
 
 `` What kind of animal, sir? A dog or a cat? Is it rabid?'' 
 
 `` Well, I do n't really know. A cat, I guess you could say.'' 
 
 `` Sir, it seems unlikely that a cat would cause you any immediate danger.'' 
 
 I looked around quickly as a trash can tipped over from an alley way. 
 
 `` I think it's a big cat.'' 
 
 `` Sir, what kind of big cat?'' 
 
 `` Umm... a really big cat?'' 
 
 `` Sir, if you called the police and said a white guy, would they go arrest every white man in the city?'' 
 
 `` What does it matter?!'' 
 
 `` It matters,'' Adam responded calmly. 
 
 `` Listen, I ca n't remember for sure, but I think it might be a puma.'' 
 
 There was a silence. `` A... puma?'' Adam asked dryly. 
 
 I was hit with a flashback of a long forgotten game from my childhood, with animal names and sounds arranged in a circle. `` It could be a jaguar.'' 
 
 Adam was silent again. `` Are you sure it's not just a really big cat, sir?'' 
 
 `` Wha—yes, of course! It's, well, it's definitely a puma... or a jaguar.'' 
 
 `` But you described it as a big cat.'' 
 
 I let out an annoyed sigh. `` Well, yes! I did n't want to look stupid just because I did n't know the exact species!'' 
 
 `` And you thought describing it as a'big cat' accomplished that?'' 
 
 I let out another annoyed sound, although I lowered my voice slightly as I realized that sudden loud noises probably were n't a good idea. `` Listen,'' I whispered, `` Could you please just send someone here to save me?'' 
 
 `` I already have people on the way, sir. In the meantime, I would suggest making no sudden movements. And I would stop right where you are and face it directly. Make a lot of eye contact.'' 
 
 `` Wo n't it think that is a threat?'' I yelped. 
 
 `` No, no, they only attack from behind,'' Adam said calmly. 
 
 `` I'm pretty sure you're thinking of a tiger, Adam! Are you just making this up?'' 
 
 There was silence on the other end, and the faint sound of the frantic flipping of a binder. 
 
 `` Oh my god, Adam, do n't you know what I should do?!'' I screamed in a whisper. 
 
 `` Look, I'm kind of new and this'big cat' binder has n't been updated in ages!'' Adam yelled back. `` There are n't even any pictures!'' 
 
 `` What?!'' I yelled before remembering my situation. `` No pictures?'' I asked softly. 
 
 `` Well, I mean in fairness, it's not like there are a lot of pumas or jaguars or whatever in southern California.'' 
 
 I was silent for a moment. `` Adam,'' I said slowly, `` We have *both* of those in southern California.'' 
 
 The sound of pages being frantically flipped came again. `` Well, can you maybe turn and get a better look at the cat, sir?'' 
 
 `` I'm not going to turn and look into the eyes of a death cat, Adam!'' 
 
 `` But the descriptions are all in text! I need to know about its spots, sir!'' 
 
 `` No way, not happening, Adam!'' 
 
 `` Alright, well, just keep walking calmly. If you can, just make yourself look as big and frightening as possible.'' 
 
 `` Damn it, Adam, that's coyotes!'' 
 
 `` Well, we definitely have those here!'' 
 
 `` Yes, but not *here* right now!'' I yelled. 
 
 In my anger, I stopped suddenly. I listened intently into the silence. At the rhythmic sound of paws hitting concrete with haste, I panicked and began to run. I peered over my shoulder, fearing what I would see barreling towards me. 
 
 `` Adam!'' I screamed. `` I was wrong! Cheetah!''
