[ WP ] You 've just taken your oath and are sworn in as President of the USA , the question you ask your staff `` So be honest ... ..aliens do n't really exist ... ..right ? ''

President Alex Jones sat in his very presidential chair in the very presidential Oval Office, his slightly presidential cabinet waiting for his questions. “ What about JFK, Mr. Ross? ” 
 
 The National Security advisor answered. “ The Soviets planted a chip in his brain to make him very smart but it exploded. ” 
 
 Alex had a disability from eating a bathroom mushroom, when deep in thought he would freeze in place, which was happening right now. The Cabinet didn ’ t know this and thought the freeze ray turned on, and were about to install the mind control nanobots, when he snapped out of it. “ Why would the Soviets want JFK to be wicked smart? ” 
 
 General Presley answered this one. “ That ’ s a hunk of a story baby. They were a US puppet, they did what we told them. All of their leaders were famous celebrities that we made everybody think had died. Uh huh. ” 
 
 Alex really had his mind blown. “ Woah. ” 
 
 “ A hunka hunka burning woah if I do say so myself. ” 
 
 “ So Bob Ross isn ’ t dead? ” 
 
 “ No sir, I ’ m quite alive. ” The National Security advisor removed his hat, revealing a stylish afro. 
 
 Jones stood up out of his very presidential chair and using his presidential feet in his non-presidential dress shoes and tip toed over to Bob Ross. He ran his fingers through Bob ’ s hair, tugging a bit to make sure it wasn ’ t a wig. “ Woah, how do you fit that under the hat? ” 
 
 “ Practice. ” 
 
 “ You should change your last name, it ’ s a give away! ” Alex tried to whisper into Bob ’ s ear, but after years as a professional studio audience member he could no longer control the volume of his voice. Even the secret cameras in the secret trafficking rooms heard him. 
 
 Bob ’ s forked tongue flicked out due to the yelling, but it quickly went back in, something he knew nobody would ever see even if there were slowed down video of it. “ Hitler ’ s brain taught us something after we manufactured World War Two. Mix your lies with the truth and nobody will know which is which, even you. ” 
 
 Sitting down next to Bob, Alex put his arm about Bob. “ You didn ’ t say we had Hitler ’ s brain. Is that cool? ” 
 
 “ We don ’ t have his brain any more, he retired to run the entertainment empire he created, Disney. ” 
 
 “ Damn. ” Alex checked that his secret recording equipment was still on for his next question. Unknown to him he didn ’ t need it as he was bugged since birth when he was selected to be a future president by the Bilderberg Group. All that other stuff he was told was mundane, this next question would rock the foundation of the country that didn ’ t exist because George Washington didn ’ t actually sign the Declaration of Independence. “ So, be honest, aliens don ’ t really exist, right? ” 
 
 Bob shook his head. “ No sir, they don ’ t exist, that ’ s the only conspiracy theory that isn ’ t true. ” He pressed a hidden button under the couch, he had to be careful not to press the button that turned off the monitoring equipment, although he didn ’ t know it didn ’ t actually do anything as the New World Order didn ’ t trust him with that information yet. “ The Earth is flat and space doesn ’ t exist, it ’ s all a hologram created by famous scientist Albert Einstein. He ’ s immortal and lived through thousands of years as other famous scientists. Today you know him as famous political scientist Rush Limbaugh. ” 
 
 A map of the flat Earth hovered in the middle of the room. Showing the many layers below it, followed by the interior of the hollow Earth, and more layers going on to the bottom, all supported by a turtle. 
 
 The Cabinet was worried Alex would discover the lice they placed in his hair to discredit him as a clean man when he ran his hand through his hair as all exasperated people do, but he lost all feeling in his arms when he had them replaced with mud golem arms when he dabbled in ancient Middle Eastern magic in an attempt to dispel President Obama. “ This stuff is unbelievable. But, why keep it all a secret? ” 
 
 General Presley, National Security Advisor Ross, and the man ape that pretends to be Bigfoot looked at each other nervously. Nobody had ever asked this before. Presley answered. “ Well baby, we never actually thought about it. ” 
 
 Alex stood up, finger in the air, but we ’ ll never know what he was going to say. At that very moment his rock person body double fired an ice bullet from his sniper perch through the window, striking Alex in the head. He didn ’ t die, but from that day forward he became a world renowned radio host. He couldn ’ t remember what had happened, but in his dreams he saw the truth. The holographic moon bathed the flat Earth in a memory changing beam, making everybody think Donald Trump had rigged the election instead. 
 
 After the nuclear war the mole people took over and peace reigned through the universe forever because all humans are evil and without them there can only be peace and love.
