[ WP ] Leonardo DiCaprio in a fit of rage begins to torpedo his own career by deliberately acting poorly and taking on bad films . He finally wins an oscar for starring in Paul Blart : Mall Cop 3 .

Strained to the point of breaking, Leo's brow broke with sweat as his typically threaded fingers slid into position. He spoke and drank power at the Golden Globes. There was no way they could take this away from him now, not with his typically threaded fingers sliding into position and locked with powerful awareness, calm, and wisdom. The lines faded from his face. 
 
 His eyes glinted as they read the other names. Costar Kevin had already taken home quite the haul with both best song, `` It's JAY-mez, LL, but that's fine, I'm just the hardest working man this side of your... well, just this side of you.'' Leo smiled and nodded from his seat, though the cameras rarely turned his way these days. It had only grown darker since he'd left Johnny Depp's poolhouse for the light of day and a job working alongside the Target lady or whichever Venice Beach tramp they could wash up to stand next to him. Nobody checks a bag like Leo. Nobody. Wait. A bag, checking? No way. Filling. Paper, plastic, your own weird local bag that nobody understands because they have n't been to the same place as you and you just started a conversation like you were from out of town. Leo knew how to handle even the smallest of inconveniences, like whether or not his favorite flavor of chewing gum had been restocked since he'd last moved one of the boxes to his car. 
 
 Madeline, the manager, totally wanted him, what with Leonardo's smoking hot shoulder line impressing nearly every personal trainer he could ever get a free week from which was most of them given he asked for the week when he signed up for a month and never returned. The empty checking accounts were Leo's secret and not even Johnny Depp could pull him from the endless abandon that felt like a red hot searing brand at the moment of climax, one that labeled him both Leo and Di, but not Caprio because he thought that would take way too long to read or even write and for that matter.... Leo's tattoo was Leo's. No one could take it away from him. 
 
 In fact, it was Maddy's idea that Leo get back into acting with Kevin in the first place. Maddy said that Leo did n't need all of those makeup artists, lighting professionals ( for the brow ), sound guys and girls, and all kinds of groovy kids. I mean, what would the universe be without Leo to say that his last name was DiCaprio and that he could be someone other than the man that introduces himself with a handshake and perhaps a whiff of the strong drink on his breath, just like other strongly behaved men. 
 
 That's what it was to put those hands together, to sit tight, and to wait in earnest patience. The slack jawed local yokel coffee shop for-a-jokel they had holding the tiny bronzed man seemed totally uninterested in the fact that Leo may or may not have been the next person to climb stairs for a treat. The treat must come later for them, the yokels, Leo thought. His neighbor once showed him the pool behind his house and Leo thought for a split second that an empty inflatable relaxing toy had been filled by James Gandolfini and at least one of Hugh Hefner's personal playmates. Then the neighbor asked Leo if he wanted to have a swim, leaving Leo to languish in thought for his customary two and a three quarters minutes, until Leo replied `` Fuck no.'' 
 
 James Gandolfini's name was read. It took about as long as you'd expect it take him to find his seat afterward. `` He is too charming,'' Leo thought. His fingers loosened if only for a second. It was n't above him to clap and it was n't nearly enough of a piss break. He was happy to be back in time for the camera guy, wrong-shoulder-tap, spin around and look refreshed, hair or not. Was his goatee in check? Who the fuck cares, the network guy was happy. 
 
 `` And, of course, our meditation-zen-style-kung-fu-alternative-hip-hop-afficienado-rap-rock-groupee-never-for-Kid-Rock-always-for-Barbarella-sea captain, Leo... Do n't call him DiCaprio if you want to know how he gets down babay, Leo DiCaprio, full name, you're welcome Leo, hope you win.'' 
 
 `` Leo'' 
 
 Leo looked up from his hands as they had come to rest in front of his face despite no resting platform for them. 
 
 `` Leo'' 
 
 Yes, he looked, but did n't nod. It was his custom to understand when his name was called. 
 
 Leo sprinted up to the stage. 
 
 Everyone cheered.
