[ WP ] After dying , God asks you : `` So , how was heaven ? ''

I opened my eyes. It must have been night, because the room had gone dark, and I was still lying on my bed. *Guess I botched the job after all. * Without getting up, I reached across with my left hand for the revolver on my night stand. *If at first you do n't succeed... * 
 
 I groped for the table, but my hand whiffed as it passed through the space where it should have found the smooth wooden surface of my night table. It was gone. I sat up in my bed, and reached across to hit the light switch, but the walls were bare and switch was missing. It was at that moment that I realized I was no longer in my bedroom. 
 
 “ Looking for this? ” a soft voice called from the far end of the room. In the darkness, I could just barely make out the silhouette of a tall slender man, holding my revolver. 
 
 “ Yeah,'' I answered, uncertainly. `` Uhh... am I dead? ” 
 
 “ A better question is, when have n't you been dead? ” The shadow appeared to be studying my revolver with great interest. 
 
 *What a wise ass. * “ I'll take that as a yes, ” I said, in no mood for riddles. “ Does that make you God? Or someone else... ” my voice trailed off at the realization that I may not have exactly been a model citizen while alive. 
 
 The silhouette chuckled, a bit sadly. “ Do not worry, child. I am not one to fear. ” He sat down at a chair at the far end of the room. “ So, how was Heaven? ” 
 
 “ Huh? ” I asked him, confused. “ I've never been to heaven. I was hoping that this might be it. ” I looked around, my eyes starting to adjust to the darkness of the room. “ I did n't think it would be this dark, though. ” 
 
 “ You are right, heaven is n't always this dark. You should know better than anybody. You just left it. ” 
 
 So he was n't kidding. 
 
 “ *That* was heaven? ” I exclaimed in disbelief. *Where in the fuck was I now? * “ You realize that I just committed suicide, right? ” 
 
 The man remained silent. “ Nothing to say, huh? ” I felt the anger rising in my voice. “ You call that piece of shit world, the same one that drove me to the point of sticking a gun in my mouth, some type of paradise? ” 
 
 I stood up from the bed, starting to shake uncontrollably. “ You call spending everyday at lunch in the cafeteria, eating alone like a leper, a divine reward? Or what about having the privilege of bailing my dad out of jail once a month, was that part of heaven too? ” Words were coming much faster now. “ Almost forgot to mention watching cancer eat away at my mother, the only person that ever cared about me in my life. Thanks for that. ” I wiped hot tears from my face, as I realized that ending my life had done nothing to curb all the hatred that I had felt in my heart. I was furious, and the man responsible for all my suffering was standing before me. “ You have got some kind of sick sense of humor, you know that, you son of a bitch? ” 
 
 I began to ransack the room frantically, looking for anything heavy to throw at the manifestation of all my anger. “ Here, let me help you, ” he said gently, holding out my revolver. 
 
 I wrenched the weapon from his hand, pointing it straight at his chest with a shaking hand. I cocked the gun and removed the safety, ready to shoot the only man that I hated more than myself. 
 
 “ You made me a failure, ” I screamed. “ And how about everybody else? You know, the ones down in'heaven', going about their day praying to you, remember them? When were you planning on letting them in on your little joke? ” 
 
 God looked down at the floor. “ I know, ” he said. `` You're right. I deserve that bullet more than you did. Trust me, whatever failures you've felt in life, they can not possibly amount to mine. ” 
 
 I lowered the gun, taken aback. “ Do you know what it's like, being tasked with creating the ultimate paradise? ” His voice sounded tired and exasperated, as if time itself had beaten him down. “ The pressure of fulfilling the hype surrounding eternal reward? How the hell is anyone supposed to make one place that satisfies everyone's desires? ” 
 
 “ I tried...'', he continued wearily, cradling his head in his hands, `` tried to give people what they deserved. But even then, the good souls started to abuse their privilege. Sins returned. Crime was reborn. These days, heaven has turned into what you just experienced. On some days, it's impossible to tell the difference between Heaven and Hell. ” 
 
 “ Well, I mean, you could go out there and try harder, ” I yelled, disgusted. *God, just giving up? What kind of example did that set? * “ Maybe Heaven ca n't be perfect, but it sure could be better than *that*. ” 
 
 God lowered his head. “ I tried for a while, but the pressure became too great. There were too many problems. Heaven was a failure. ” 
 
 “ So what happened? ” I asked him nervously, already knowing the answer. 
 
 “ Same thing as you, ” he answered solemnly. “ I killed myself. ”
