[ WP ] A dog 's psychology session .

`` I do n't know Doc, he kept speaking gibberish, but all I could do was lay back and let him rub my stomach. I know what your gon na say,'' Martin lifted his paws and attempted to do air quotes to no avail. `` it's a'dependency issue.' and maybe your right! Maybe some sick part of me gets off on it. Some fucked up fetish thing!'' Martin lifted his hind legs and scratched the back of his ears, his face moving into ecstasy. Doctor Meowsy Whiskers watched with frustration as Martin flicked fleas across the office. She recoiled in disgusted as a flea plopped down on to the desk next to her. 
 
 `` Martin, could you stop?'' 
 
 Martin stopped, flipped his legs around, and then twisted his torso so he was now lying flat on his stomach. `` Martin, I think the heart of the problem is not that you have a dependency issue, it's that you find your owner so attractive that you let him put his hands all over you. It's not some much as a fetish, as it is love.'' 
 
 A flicker of recognition sparked across his eyes before quickly disappearing behind a snarl. 
 
 `` No! No I do n't love him! That would make me some kind of, humanist. He does n't even make sense when he is speaking to me, so I ca n't love him! God, all you people do is pry into feelings that are n't there and make people confused!'' 
 Meowsy Whiskers jumped up and glared across the room, taking in Martin's repulsive flea ridden, terrier body. 
 `` This practice is for animals in need of help. Not fuckwits who have problems with intimacy! If you want to get animalist and start accusing all cats of being distrust worthy, you go ahead and do it. But do it somewhere else!'' She pushed her head open through the flap in the door. `` Get out.'' 
 
 Martin crawled off the chair, tail neatly tucked to where his balls should have been. 
 `` You know what. No. I ca n't go back home right now. The other day, my master left the gate open. Ran right out the door. I would have walked right into a car if I had the balls. Everytime a car came past, I would chase after it, yelling. Yelling,'Please! I made a mistake. I need to be underneath you!''' Martin looked into Doctor Meowsy Whiskers eyes and turned away. Meowsy could n't do it. As much as she wanted to let him deal with his own issues, she had a duty PETA, to ethically treat animals. 
 
 `` Wait!'' She stood in the hallway holding a piece of paper, `` Here. This prescription will get you a handful of treats. I'm also writing you a'letter of recommendation' to get a voice recording of someone telling you your'e a'Good boy'. Oh, and unofficially, hump something once in a while. You may not'love' your master but you do have some issues that need to be worked out. Some casual sex should do the trick.'' Martin looked like a puppy, and had Meowsy not been insulted by him a couple of minutes ago, she would have been all over him, like mice on cheese. 
 
 `` Thank you.'' 
 
 `` You can thank me by calling in my next patient. It's the parrot with the shades on.'' 
 Martin looked perplexed and said, `` May I ask, what's he in for?'' 
 
 Meowsy looked around to check she was alone before saying anything, `` He is the parrot from the monty python skeet. Does n't know whether he's alive or dead!''
