[ WP ] Every time you die , you are transported to the time of the first event that ultimately caused your death . One day , you are hit by a car and sent 12 years into the past .

I was driving back home and truly felt the weight of the day. I felt so on edge, but I could never tell why. It's been an off and on looming cloud that casts its shadow over me every so often for the past few weeks. Not sure what's causing it, but I could wager the recent loss of Amelia has a significant impact. 
 
 We were n't particularly close, but after I came to the realization that she would forever be the first face I saw when I died, she became an unknowing beacon; a symbol of rebirth, some sort of colorful burst in a grey world. The splash of color bled into everything around her, so even though we grew apart, I would always look to her for hope. 
 
 Her passing was n't 3 weeks ago. It was actually 17 days and 4 hours ago. It was a Sunday, midday so that I'd be denied the chance to pass by her in the deli that one last time. It was n't planned, we just always happened to restock for the week around then. I doubt she even remembered me, but I'll be damned if the perfect radiance did n't leave me hypnotized, enraptured by the beauty life could actually hold. 
 
 It's hard to want life anymore. No more beauty in it without that euphoric baptism. I guess the fact that it ends is what gives it value. That can be said for a lot of things, but with her, it meant so much more. As my mind wandered, suddenly, it ran out. 
 
 The impact was an eternity. I could trace every detail of it if I only had a blank canvas and the details I picked out in the instant it happened. The blurred trees flashing out of my view while I raced by them. The pavement with the crisp paint dividing lanes. The oncoming car, bridging that divide. It would seem the driver was more lost in thought than I was, that or drunk. For every minutia I could map out perfectly, there was no information to call on for what could have been the force pushing that car into mine. 
 
 In the impact of the crash of this magnitude, one may expect to find a sudden review of one's own life. A flood of memories reflecting on yourself leading up to the moment you fade away. In my case, though, I knew already I would n't fade. Instead I was rushed with the thoughts of Amelia. Being with her again. Was that really the case? Is it the same *her*? I could never follow the Amelia I lost, but even still, she was n't the Amelia I once had. Seeing her, the effective light of my world, I ought to be overjoyed. But the best way I could describe it is conflicted. 
 
 The crash, though it felt like an eternity as it was emblazened in my memories, was still over so soon. And I would miss it. Even though it was n't happiness, or even a good feeling at all, what I felt as my 17 day numbness was abruptly cut short to make way for this feeling. The feeling of the pit in my chest that weighed me down always, that only swelled with the loss, finally bursting was overwhelming. The rush of feeling threw my body forward, and I gasped loudly, startling the passenger in the back seat next to me. 
 
 `` It's okay! We stopped, we're okay,'' Amelia breathed. 
 
 She seemed to be talking, not to only me, but herself and the driver as well. I stared at her, my emotions in a ruined aftermath from the events she could never know. I knew how this went, but I could never feel right when it happened. The pit slowly reformed. 
 
 Her mom, Pam, turned to us to check if what she said was true. She could n't bear to lose her daughter, and would surely find it difficult to relay any injuries to my parents should I be injured. 
 
 `` Yes? You're both good? Are you sure?'' 
 
 `` Yes mom! Danny just lost his breath. We're fine.'' 
 
 She stared me down. I had lost all pressure in my chest, but not from what they believe. Just the same, I could n't speak. I nodded fervently, just wanting to sit in silence a moment. 
 
 Pam seemed to accept this as her tension visibly faded and she returned to looking forward. I kept from glancing forward, as I knew exactly what was there. I had lived it, the first time around. 
 
 `` Well thankfully that was n't us, but I need to go call for help. You two sit right here, okay? I'll be right back.'' 
 
 Amelia nodded, I was frozen. It did n't matter, Pam did n't even turn to see before swinging open the door and jaunting up to the wreck ahead of us. 
 
 `` That's so scary. We were so close to being them!'' Amy called out, pointing forward. I still refused to look. 
 
 I knew already, anyways. The car is mangled. Anyone inside killed on impact. The car turning in front of them is undriveable, but the driver will walk away. It was just thrown out of the way as it deflected the car that was ahead of us into the tree just past the intersection, driver side first. 
 
 Pam has a habit of speeding, she could hardly brake at the intersection when it was the other car. She drives slower for about a month following this, but once the shock wears off, she's back at it. Nothing much ever comes of it anyways from what I remember of the last times I've been here. it's been 12 years since the last time, 9 more to the time before that. I do n't remember the times before, but I know I've been back 4 or 5 times, 5 or 6 counting the first. 
 
 The first time, when that other car was us, I had the best chance of survival between us all, and I still had no chance. The car wraps partially around the tree as the car is redirected off the roadway and it slides across the mud. The other car now reflects that first time, but ever since we've had to watch it. I did n't know the person that takes our place, but it's still never easy to see. 
 
 `` Danny! Talk to me! What happens now!?'' 
 
 I still could n't breath, but I had to squeak out something. I never meant to, but I always said the same thing. 
 
 `` I do n't know.'' 
 
 It was a lie. It was always a lie, save for the first time. Or rather, the second; the first ended with the crash. 
 
 `` Do you think they're okay?'' 
 
 To this, my reply would never be the same. Everything I've tried just incites panic, and silence leads to more coercing until I finally yield. 
 
 `` No. I really want to think they are, but I really-'' I choke on my words. I want to comfort her. This is when the her light shines dimmest. It's when I need to inspire her the most, and my world is the darkest, at least until I lost her. `` -I do n't want to think about this. Let's just wait for your mom, she'll know.'' 
 
 `` I'm not just going to wait, I need to find out, I'm going to-'' 
 
 I grabbed her arm and snapped, `` Do n't go out there! You've already seen enough of the mess, if you go look for answers, you're going to hate it if they're bad ones. Your mom will be back soon, and we can just get out of here.'' 
 
 In a way, it was so much easier to just tell her what she wanted to hear. She does n't accept it, of course, but at least she accepts it until Pam comes back. 
 
 She pulled against my arm. 
 
 `` I'm going to go look. You do n't know, maybe they're alright!'' 
 
 She broke out of my grasp and flung the door open. It's probably better if I follow, if I at least try to stop her. Just hearing the news she breaks down, but seeing the wreckage up close, she wo n't be able to handle it. 
 
 I ca n't follow, though. I'm dazed. My world's dim light is dimmer, and further away. It's as if she's dead all over again. I just want to die, for real. The first time I did n't I was so grateful. So happy the crash was just a dream, that I survived, that it was the car ahead of us. After that, I questioned it. When could this end? Then I learned. It does n't. I'm stuck. I at least used to think about all the time I could spend with Amelia again. She eventually grows apart, but at least she was there. But now I know. 12 years is all I get. Assuming everything goes how it has before. 
 
 I've never had to face this before. I thought it was infinite. I thought I would live, knowing she heals, knowing she's off and happy and brushing by in the market on Sundays. But now I have to go every day knowing not only that if I die, I live this all over again, *that I watch her suffer all over again*, but also that I do n't have her forever. That one day, in 12 years, for as long after as I live, I am forced to choose. To either live without her for as long as I may, or to decide to see her in this pain again- 
 
 A shriek from outside penetrates my thoughts. How could I ever choose this? How can I bear this, knowing that even if I choose to live, this is what awaits me. 
 
 Amelia's shriek was only followed by her sobs. The rest of the world was tuned out, such that her sobs overtook me. Her pain, her sorrow, I will find a way to never have to come back here. To see her go, 12 years from now. To follow, not to return here, but to fade just as her beautiful aura does. I will go with her. *This* her, and not hope that when it all resets, the next her will be the same.
