[ WP ] God comes back to Earth after an extended leave . He sees what people have done to it and demands an explanation

The world burst into flames around me. A hook pulled through my body - my soul - tore me from the earth and hurled me into the ether. Time, space, fear, pain: these things meant nothing. I meant nothing. A blackened sky and broken ground filled my vision to the horizon and beyond. Then I heard Him. 
 
 `` Dude. *The fuck? *'' 
 
 I knew who He was. `` Are you... talking to me?'' 
 
 His golden voice rang me like a bell. `` Am I -? Am I talking to you? Who the fuck else is here? What. The. Fuck. Happened?'' 
 
 `` To what?'' 
 
 `` To what? To what? The fucking world, you fuck!'' 
 
 I looked around. Pointless. There was only Him. `` The world?'' 
 
 `` Did I fucking stutter? What the shit did you do to my planet?'' 
 
 I examined the space where my shoes would have been if I was wearing shoes. `` Where did my shoes go?'' 
 
 `` Where did your - *what? * Is that the fucking issue here? Is the fate of the world somehow resting on the fate of your fucking shoes? WHAT DID YOU DO TO THE EARTH?'' 
 
 I spluttered, somehow. I was n't sure where my body was. `` I did n't do anything.'' 
 
 `` You, plural, you fucking STD. Your species. I leave for two fucking millenia and you've absolutely fucked the place!'' 
 
 I held up no hands. I had no hands. If I'd had hands, I'd have held them up. `` What does this have to do with me?'' 
 
 `` Sorry, where do you live?'' 
 
 `` E-'' 
 
 `` Where? What fucking planet?'' 
 
 `` Ear-'' 
 
 `` What's that? I'm omniscient and I do n't know what the fuck you're trying to say. Speak up, motherfucker.'' 
 
 `` Earth.'' 
 
 `` Earth!'' He boomed. `` Where you are - and you can believe me on this, I'm somewhat of a fucking authority on the place - are the most average person on the planet. So I'm asking you - Joe Fucking Nothing. What did you do to my planet?'' 
 
 I paused for a second. I had some kind of understanding of the stakes here. If such a thing was truly possible. `` Well, there were some CFCs,'' I think. 
 
 There. It had happened. I had rendered God speechless. `` There were some CFCs.'' 
 
 `` And lead. In petrol.'' 
 
 `` And lead.'' 
 
 `` And some genocide.'' 
 
 Lightning crackled over the no-sky. `` Now we get to the genocide. After the CFCs and the fucking leaded gas. Now we get to the genocide. You know, I'd like to think I've been pretty fucking cool about shit. After what you did to my kid, you're lucky you still have an unsmited motherfucker anywhere on the planet. I let that slide. You were young, you were stupid, everyone does stupid shit when they're just starting out. You've got no fucking excuse now. What did you do to the dodo?'' 
 
 `` Well, there was a bit of a thing there. It did n't have any natural enemies, as I understand it, so when the -'' 
 
 `` *This is exactly what I'm fucking talking about! * You kill a fucking species with no natural enemies? What kind of an asshole species does that? I loved those guys!'' 
 
 I pretty much damned the world when I said, `` well, if you think about it, if they'd evolved a little better, you know. Been a little more prepared. Nature, you know. Red in tooth and claw. Was n't really us. That was kind of a design flaw.'' 
 
 The world I was n't in turned black. `` *Design flaw? `` *'' 
 
 `` Yeah,'' I said. `` And what's the deal with our breathing tube crossing our food tube? And the vagina/head size ratio? My wife was n't too happy with that. We've got some concerns ourselves, you know.'' 
 
 I'm not in a position, from this flaming cage, to know what happened to everyone else, but from what I can fathom, I'm sorry.
