[ EU ] Write an incredibly dark finale for your favourite light-hearted TV show .

`` The Gang Gets Slaughtered'' 
 
 3:00 pm. On a Tuesday. 
 
 Mac and Charlie are sitting at the bar, arguing about some of the finer aspects of bird law. Dennis and Dee burst in, having a loud, animated conversation about an incredibly valuable diamond necklace that their mother apparently bequeathed to them by accident. They offer to cut Mac and Charlie in on the sale of it, but ask them not to tell Frank. 
 
 Frank enters the bar, and the rest of the gang goes silent, immediately arousing his suspicion. They try to dodge his questions about what they were talking about, but Charlie is a terrible liar and lets a few clues slip about it being a valuable secret. Frank drops the matter, but he clearly is intent on getting to the bottom of it. 
 
 Later on that evening, Mac is at home, watching Predator and practicing with his nun chucks. He accidentally smashes a bunch of beer bottles on his counter, and as he is picking up the shards, Frank enters through the window wearing a nylon over his head. He sneaks up behind Mac and shoves a rag soaked with Chloroform into his face. 
 
 Mac comes to in an abandoned warehouse, strapped down to a table. Frank appears above him with a garden spout. He demands that Mac tell him what the the secret that Dennis and Dee are trying to hide from him is. Mac tries to play dumb, and Frank proceeds to waterboard him. Mac continues to resist, and so Frank decides to step it up a notch. He tells Mac that a good interrogation is `` like a slow and delicate dance, with a chainsaw,'' and he reaches under the table and pulls out a chainsaw. He fires it up, and begins to lower it down towards Mac's crotch. Mac finally cracks, and spills everything he knows about the necklace. Frank demands to know where it is hidden, and Mac tells him he does n't know. Frank pauses for a moment, then says `` I believe you,'' and cuts Mac in half, with blood splattering everywhere. 
 
 As he finishes and kills the motor, he hears a voice behind him say `` Holy shit dude.'' He spins and sees Charlie standing there. Charlie begins to freak out, and Frank tells him that if he keeps his mouth shut, he will let Charlie in on the money from the necklace. He tells Charlie that he has always been his favourite, and that he does n't want to hurt him. Charlie is not persuaded, and says he is going to go to the cops. Franks fires up the chainsaw and runs at Charlie. Charlie turns and flees, but as he nears the door of the warehouse, his foot is caught in a snare, set earlier by Frank, and he is hoisted upside down into the air. Frank appears behind him, laughing, and knocks him out with a shovel. 
 Charlie wakes up some time later, still hanging upside down. He manages to swing himself towards a window, smash it, and use a shard of glass to cut himself free. He lands on his head with thud, and as he picks himself up he notices a piece of paper folded on the floor. It is a note from Frank, written in the inscrutable symbols that the illiterate Charlie uses in place of words. Charlie reads the note, and immediately begins to run. 
 
 Charlie arrives at the bar, only to find it locked. He runs around to the back, smashes a window, and enters through the kitchen. He enters the bar to find Frank brandishing his gun over Dennis and Dee, who are tied to chairs and sitting in a kiddie pool, with a radio playing the theme song of the show suspended by a rope and pulley over the water. Frank is slowly lowering the radio towards the water, threatening to electrocute them if they do n't give him the necklace. Charlie shouts at him to stop, and is about to rush at Frank when Frank reveals the ace up his sleeve. 
 
 He steps behind the bar and pulls up the Waitress, who he has gagged with her wrists tied together. He threatens to shoot her if Charlie tries to interfere, and Charlie is paralyzed by the sight of her. Frank continues lowering the radio, and it is mere inches over the water when Dee finally cracks, and tells Frank that the necklace is hidden in the cash register of the bar. Laughing triumphantly, Frank goes to the register and breaks it open, pulling out the necklace. 
 
 Frank immediately flies into a rage, realizing that the necklace is a cheap fake, one more cruel trick played on the gang from beyond the grave by Dennis and Dee's mom. He starts waving the gun around, threatening to kill everyone. Charlie seizes the moment to lunge at Frank, and they begin to fight, with Charlie trying to wrestle the gun away from Frank. He shouts to the Waitress to run, and she does, fleeing out the back way that Charlie came in. 
 
 As the scuffle continues, Frank tries to aim and shoot at Charlie, but the bullet ricochets and severs the rope, and the lights flicker on and off as the radio drops into the water and Dennis and Dee are electrocuted. Charlie is momentarily distracted by the death of his friends, and Frank manages to turn the gun on him and shoot him in the stomach. 
 Charlie staggers backwards, coughing up blood. Frank rises to his feet, and taunts Charlie, telling him that he is smarter than any of them, and that he will always win. Charlies pulls his lighter out of his pocket and says `` not always, Frank.'' Just then, Frank's nose twitches, as he notices the smell of gas, and realizes that Charlie opened up all the gas lines in the kitchen as he was coming in. Charlie spits out a mouthful of blood, and stands up straight to face Frank. He sneers. 
 
 `` Wild card, bitch.'' He strikes the flint and throws the lighter at Frank, igniting a fireball that engulfs the bar. 
 
 Out on the street, the windows and front door are blown off by the force of the blast. The Waitress, who has managed to get her hands free and is running away, turns to look back at the burning bar, and is shocked to see a blackened, bloody Charlie stagger out of the inferno. He collapses about ten steps from the bar, and the Waitress runs back to him. She cradles his head in her arms, and he struggles to speak. 
 
 `` I'm sorry.'' He is interrupted by a fit of bloody coughs. `` I love you. I've always loved you.'' 
 
 Sobbing, the Waitress kisses him tenderly. `` I know,'' she says, and after a short pause, `` my name is Mary.'' 
 
 Charlie's eyes light up, revelling in the only real affection he has ever received from his unrequited love. 
 
 `` Oh,'' he says, `` nice to meet you.'' With a final cough and a shudder, he dies. 
 
 Mary, formerly known as the Waitress, lowers her head and sobs, as the sound of sirens rises from the distance. 
 
 Roll Credits.
