[ WP ] An inept group of elderly mall-walkers have no idea that they are marching side by side with the zombie apocalypse .

`` Harold, dear,'' she muttered, taking his arm and hobbling along `` where did you say the rest room was again?'' As much as she hated to admit it her incontinence was a real issue now but prevention ( meaning going every half an hour or so ) was the key. Harold chuckled, a pleasant grating sound like two love heart shaped sandstones rubbing together. `` It's just up ahead, my love. We'll get you there.'' And so they walked, her soft shoes scraping lightly, his pocket watch clinking. It was *awful* noisy in the mall today, Edna noticed. She also had n't seen Bertha today. Perhaps she would see Bertha later, maybe for coffee. Bertha was ever so nice. They were walking past the patisserie ( it was once a cafe, the cafe her and Harold had stolen away their first kiss, quickly and awkwardly, but here they were 68 years later ). 
 
 What sweet Edna and poor Harold had failed to notice ( `` Her eyes! ``, `` And his ears!'' as they liked to say often ), however, was the librarian chewing off the hairdresser's face off. A poop of blood was flowing from the hair salon, through the door, black and coagulating. The hairdresser no longer kicked and thrashed as she once did, rather began stirring. The librarian ( an old cronie herself ) had just taken a sizable chunk from her face when she began to sit up, slowly and mindlessly. Whatever she now was, it had sensed the old couple as they migrated towards the crapper. 
 
'... And I need to... well, dear *we* need to call Paul. We have n't spoken to him in almost at month. Oh and the children! It should be nice to hear their voices.'' Harold was turned completely off, his wife's droning naught but white noise ( sometimes he had even had entire conversations with both his hearing aids off and come out of it with some late night hanky panky involving denture gum and an old half-full jar of opium they had stored away from the war ). 
 
 Like some sort of perverted tag team wrestling match both the librarian and the hairdresser had begun to advance on the two lovers, moaning and groaning and'braaaaaaiiiinnnnnn'-ing. Only, zombies do n't play by rules and they definitely do n't know what wrestling is. Not anymore, anyway. Unfortunately for them, they were slow. The librarian was on her 6th hip replacement and had devoured most of the other woman's legs ( and face and tits and thighs, like some weird lesbian porn gone very wrong ) and they were firmly second place in the race to get Edna to a toilet seat before her ( literal ) granny panties became a valid substitute.
