[ WP ] You discover that you have a long lost identical twin , but before they discover you exist you realize they are a terrible person . Instead of introducing yourself to them you decide to make their life a living hell .

[ So this has almost nothing to do with the prompt, but was spurred on by it. So take it as you will ] 
 
 Thank you for your interest in the Douchebaggery League of America ( DLA ). Before you begin your application for funding we wanted to give you a little background about us. Formed in 1983 by Herman A. Faust, the DLA has become the USA ’ s pre-eminent foundation serving to ruin your day. Rooted in the assumption that your life doesn ’ t have to be completely torn to pieces for you to have a miserable day, we have been giving small grants to amateur and successful assholes alike who show poise and promise in the art of douchbaggery. Whether it ’ s telling someone their hair looks like shit, refusing to move out of the doorway on the elevator, or simply playing music out of a phone ’ s speaker on the subway, we sleep well at night knowing that we made it possible. 
 
 
 Many of our grantees collaborate with one another to achieve critical efficacy, taking the limits of just pissing you off about as far as they will go before you crack. Now you must be thinking, isn ’ t it a dangerous world out there for a douchebag? And to some extent yes, yes it is. During your first several operations, you may push someone too far and get attacked. Worst of all, bystanders may even think you ‘ deserved it ’. Well you ’ re in luck, each grantee is assured top notch medical insurance as well as unfettered access to our team of personal injury lawyers. This is a tried and true way to assure future funding, and the primary way we get money. 
 
 
 Well enough idle chit chat. Lets get to the application. We know this is the tedious part. We all just want to lace up our boat shoes, zip up our salmon colored cargo shorts, pop our Polo collar and go catcalling on the streets. But true assholery requires administration as well. Below you will find the application to get the jump start you need to make that teenager cry, that couple run away or that body builder want to punch you in your fucking throat! 
 
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 Before you apply for a grant from the Douchebaggery League of America ( DLA ) please run through the following checklist to make sure you are eligible to apply: 
 
 > • You have been conducting douchebag, and douchebag related assholery for at least five years. 
 
 > ^Note: ^please ^be ^ready ^to ^provide ^evidence ^if ^requested. 
 
 > • You are located in the Contiguous United States. 
 
 > ^Note: ^your ^proposed ^Plan ^of ^Action ^ ( PoA ) ^does ^not ^need ^to ^take ^place ^entirely ^in ^this ^region, ^just ^your ^place ^of ^residence. 
 
 > • You are in no way affiliated with a 501 ( c ) ( 3 ), 501 ( c ) ( 4 ) or any other non-profit organization primarily serving the good of humanity. 
 
 > • The target of your PoA must be a person who in no way deserves to be treated like shit. 
 
 > ^Note: ^children ^under ^the ^age ^of ^13 ^and ^animals ^may ^not ^be ^the ^target ^of ^your ^PoA 
 
 > • You will not require any in-kind donations, are willing to accept cash, and will never disclose the agreement, including the specifics of DLA ’ s corporate structure, roundtable of grantees or personal information of employees to anyone. 
 
 
 If you meet the minimum requirements stated above, you may proceed to send a Letter of Inquiry ( LOI ). Each LOI must answer the following questions, and we advise our potential grantees to simply answer the questions in lieu of a formal letter. 
 
 Please note that less than 10 % of LOI ’ s result in full proposals, and less than 1 % of applicants receive funding. Your chances of receiving funding are greatly improved if you can provide proof of concurrent funding, and if your PoA combines efforts with a current grantee. 
 
 ____________________________________________ 
 
 Please answer the following questions to the best of your knowledge: 
 
 
 > • Briefly provide a summary of your Plan of Action ( PoA ). Be sure to mention target, location, method of douchbaggery ( MoD ). 
 
 > • Provide a list of Outcomes. Please be aware that outcomes must address the following three aspects 
 
 > 1. Solves a need not previously met with your current state of douchebag endeavors 
 
 > 2. Is replicable and scalable, requiring an end of grant summit where you present your conclusions 
 
 > 3. Is collaborative. No douchebag can be an asshole to everyone. They must rely on each other to make everyone extremely uncomfortable. 
 
 > •Please provide a line-item budget, including staff time, travel and conference expenses, as well as sub-grants to any other assholes that are required for success. 
 
 > • List 3-5 previous instances of douchebaggery, include any sources of funding associated with each. 
 
 > • Name any expected concurrent funding, and any potential sub-grantees. 
 
 > ^Note, ^we ^do ^not ^fund ^grantees ^who ^expect ^funding ^from ^*The* ^*Dick* ^*and* ^*Smart-ass* ^*Institute. * 
 
 Good luck, and remember that if you do not receive funding, that each small act of assholery makes this world a slightly more terrible place. And that is all we can all really hope for. Our motto is and will always be, Ruin Someone ’ s Day, Every Day. 
 

