( WP ) The legend of the most dreaded pirate of them all , Neckbeard

Come in close and bend a knee, I'll tell you bout terror on the high sea. 
 A man of legend, a man most feared. The Dreaded Pirate... Neckbeard. 
 
 Now what I'm about to tell you is a true story. I know it was true because I was there. You may have heard stories of terrible pirates like Charles Vane, Anne Bonny, or Edward Teach. None of them compare to the horror that was Neckbeard. 
 
 `` Ship on the horizon!'' The lookout shouted from his perch on the bleached white walls of the small fort. 
 
 `` Banner?'' The Commander asked. 
 
 The lookout brought the glass back up to his eye. 
 
 `` It... it's a pony!'' The lookout cried in panic. 
 
 `` Holy shit! Ring the god damn bell man! RING IT!'' The Commander shouted. 
 
 The lookout pulled the cord and bells chimed throughout the fort calling the men to arms. 
 
 The Superior cut through the waves like a knife. Her black banner flying high for everyone to see. It was a brilliant white pony on a field of black. Neckbeard looked at his colors. His round face split into a smile every time he saw it. The sound of bells drifted across the bay. 
 
 `` You hear that men? They are welcoming us with bells! Let's respond in kind!'' Neckbeard bellowed. 
 
 `` First Mate Kirito ready arms!'' Spittle shot out of Neckbeard's mouth as he spoke. 
 
 `` Aye Sir,'' First Mate Kirito paused and leaned in close to Neckbeard, `` Sir, my name is n't Kirito-'' he began when Neckbeard cut him off. `` Excuse me? Are you the Captain now? You think because of how artfully you use a sword you can question me in front of my men?'' His voice rose in anger. 
 
 Kirito bowed in apology. `` Sorry sir, I'll ready the guns.'' 
 
 He turned on his heel and went below decks. 
 
 `` GUNS READY!'' 
 
 Neckbeard wrung his hands and grinned. These poor bastards would never see this coming. 
 
 `` AIM!'' He shouted. The men hunkered low behind the cannons poised to attack. 
 
 `` FIRE!'' 
 
 The gun crew's fingers began to rapidly type on their custom mechanical keyboards, insults were fired out of the cannons as fast as the men could hit enter. 
 
 `` Your opinion on the matter is invalid because you are obviously inferior and incapable of grasping the true nature of things!'' Slammed into the Fort sending soldiers to the ground and tearing a gaping hole in the side. 
 
 `` FIRE AT WILL! I want the entire island to tremble!'' Neckbeard shouted, spittle flying out in gobs. 
 
 `` Women hate nice guys because they are sluts!'' Smashed into small huts on the beach. 
 
 `` Normies!'' Crushed a school house. Children fled in fear and confusion. 
 
 As the barrage demolished the island a small boat bearing a white flag was making its way toward the Superior. A man in a red uniform was shouting `` Parley!'' as he approached. 
 
 `` Hold your fire men. Let's see what these fools have to say.'' 
 
 `` I am Commander Everson of the Fort on this island. The island is yours Captain Neckbeard.'' The Commander shouted from the small boat. 
 
 `` Excellent. Kirito ready a boat and get my wife. I want her to see me conquer this pathetic island.'' Kirito sighed and nodded. He shouted to the men to ready the boat as he went below decks to get Neckbeard's wife. After a few minutes of searching he found her laying on Neckbeard's cot. 
 
 `` Captain wants you.'' He mumbled to her and helped her up. 
 
 They returned to the Captain. 
 
 `` M'Lady!'' Neckbeard grinned and swept his wife up. He pressed his face against her soft skin and embraced her deeply, nearly crushing her. 
 
 `` Sir, I also got you this.'' Kirito said extending the Captain's favorite fedora. 
 
 `` Kirito! You know me too well!'' He pulled the fedora down over his forehead nearly covering his beady eyes. 
 
 `` Come Mai, I have a gift for you.'' He pointed her eyes at the island. `` Let's go my love.'' 
 
 He picked up the body pillow with a petite female character painted onto it and boarded the small boat to claim his prize. 
 
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 Neckbeard Ahoy! Hope you enjoyed it. Check out /r/Written4Reddit for more! 
 
 

