[ WP ] For decades you have worked and fought for various Evil Villains/Geniuses and the occasional Hero , and surprisingly survived till retirement . Now in your twilight years , you open a school to educate and train future minions/sidekicks on how to NOT die .

Sidekicking ass 
 
 by ElSol69 
 
 `` Gentlemen and bathing suit girls, my name is… call me, Ray. I know that you have all come here to learn how to survive when you do n't have super-strength or evil mecha-genius but you find yourself constantly drawn into orbit around those people that have these kinds of powers. I'm not going to whitewash it; I'm not going to candy-coat it; I'm not going to tell you that the countdown timer always stops at one second! If you're here, then you want the truth and it is my responsibility to present it to you as bluntly as possible. 
 
 First and foremost, BE LOYAL ONLY TO YOURSELF! That guy who wants to blow up the Manhattan, he does n't give a crap if you blow up with it. If you want to go for that shit, join a fucking religion. This is a job! A job I have done proudly for thirty years and I'm here to say, it can be a rewarding job... a career! 
 
 Though i's not just about knowing what commands you should bail on. Believe me, it's a key, but there is one more important aspect to surviving in the sidekick game… or at least, staying out of jail. The other guy, the so-called heroes, have to believe you can be saved. Girls, this REALLY is the best survival weapon in your arsenal! Make the'hero' believe that with a charming smile, a little compassion, and maybe a little kissy-face, you'll sing like a canary. Do n't throw that'gay' crap out gentlemen, those heroes wear spandex for a reason! Stuffing my cod-piece never hurt me! 
 
 Those idiots with capes would n't get anywhere without a few well-dropped hints or sometimes outright confessions from someone like us. Be useful to your boss, but be more useful to a hero! 
 
 Secondly, health insurance. We have an entire seminar on health insurance. You're going to break bones. Hell, with some of the bio-geniuses, you might lose your bones completely. Nothing will eat through your savings quicker than an over-zealous newbie hero with something to prove! The health insurance seminar is required! 
 
 Although we do n't make it a requirement, I highly recommend the physical fitness classes also. Ladies, they are required for you… I'm sorry but you have it easier since the heroes tend to not beat on you for fu; we need to make sure you keep your feminine figures so you are instantly recognizable as a female to even the dumbest hero. 
 
 Lastly, … I'm sorry this is a very personal one for me. It is probably the single reason that I have survived so long. Pay attention! If this is the only thing you get out of coming to my Academy, then I will have succeeded! 
 
 The Kung Fu Movie Rule -- if the hero is just kicking the crap out of thirty of your minion buddies, RUN! 
 
 There will be surprise quizzes on the KFMR and more than three failures to run is automatic expulsion. I do n't need your bodies on my conscience. 
 
 Welcome to Minion Academy, let's get started!''
