[ WP ] A few years into their eternal sentence , a film critic offers their review of heaven or hell .

I recently read a review of Heaven from one of my colleagues up north -- I was n't particularly impressed with what he had to say, and many of the things pointed out laid out my argument for precisely why I preferred Hell to his wondrous ball of joy, without any conflict or anger or the Rolling Stones. Now, I'm not picky, but a locale's soundtrack can easily ruin a mood if not carried right. I do enjoy The Proclaimers, and I'm sure my colleague's rendition on his guitar brings many people in Heaven much joy, but to hear of the recent ban on the Rolling Stones issued by God just does n't fit into the type of atmosphere I want from the afterlife. There's no sympathy for us occupants of Hell. Here, people are free to listen to whatever music they want -- mostly anything that has the opportunity of pissing somebody else off and causing some huge fight. I mean, we're humans after all, right? We should be able to fight if we damn well please. I've been down here for three years now and have had at least one good fight a day, mostly with young women and children, but hey, they're Protestants, they deserve to be here as much as I do. Probably more so. 
 
 One thing I overestimated in my thoughts of Hell early on was the diversity of type here. I figured there would be Muslims, Jews, Catholics, Protestants, probably a Buddhist, maybe one that set himself on fire without saying the proper prayer first, but it's mostly your average Lutheran or Methodist. They hate it here, let me tell you. Too much drinking and enjoying the evils. These types, they still think they're doing God's work. I want to tell them, but it takes all the fun out of it. I think I might get a promotion soon, to chief Hell kapo. See you at the Christening. 
 
 Hell would easily get a four-and-a-half rating ( out of five ), simply for the amenities already set up. If you're angry, they give you someone to kill. If you're horny, they give you something to screw. If you're still devoted to God and want to continue praying, there's a CCTV feed in on Heaven to show you everything you do n't get because God does n't love you, really, and a plethora of lines lead you to the first two rooms. It's a good gig, great hard rock music, spicy Mexican food. My racist uncle who I've missed so much since he got the chair for killing a `` black'' is down here, so I get to visit him when he's not rampaging on all the African warlords. 
 
 I know many of you are going to ask about the Mormons, and let me tell you: the further you get, I mean the closest to the innermost circle, you start to see those who converted late, and those who married into the Mormon Church, but once you get inside -- I went on one of those topless buses like in Hollywood for all the stars' houses -- there they are. All the Mormons you ever thought existed, and more! I could n't believe my eyes. And I should n't, since everything down here is a lie. But hey, what makes that so different than back home? 
 
 Anyways, take a break, enjoy your mojito, and do n't worry about the afterlife. Heaven, Hell, what difference does it make? At least here you have a good time.
