[ TT ] You are that enchanted item that everyone ignores . Tell me your story .

`` Hey, Hero.'' 
 
 `` Yes, Bandit?'' 
 
 `` Why do n't you ever wear that nice-looking piece of loot we got from the Goblin Dungeon. Did n't the blacksmith say it had some pretty good enchantments on it?'' 
 
 `` Well, funny story. See, I was planning on changing into it but...'' 
 
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 You know, it really is a hard life being me. 
 
 Yeah, I'm talking to you, tough guy. You wan na fight? 
 
 Nobody ever appreciates what it is I do. Me, the enchanted piece of armor. 
 
 No one ever thinks about the rings of mail and its feelings. 
 
 It's always, `` Wow, that thing looks so weak and unrealistic. God, it's such a waste of time even including it in this world.'' 
 
 I'm never big enough for them, or even small enough for that matter. 
 
 Deflect an arrow? `` Bah, it's just a lucky dodge.'' 
 
 Reflect the blow of a blade? `` Pssh, there goes the durability.'' 
 
 Stop a magical blast of fire from melting flesh? `` Oh come on! That little thing should n't even be able to do that! How stupid.'' 
 
 It's a freaking high-fantasy world, for god's sake! 
 
 You have five-foot something twats with gravity-defying hair lifting swords as heavy as a car, and you're complaining about armor protection? 
 
 Seriously?! 
 
 I put in just as much time and effort doing my best everyday to make sure the heroes stay safe! Granted, I do take away some of their health, mana, good health, self-esteem, sense of decency. 
 
 But I do prevent arrows from getting past the legs to strike down on the knee, somehow! That's got ta count for something! Right? And my armor rating is in the top percentage of armor ratings! 
 
 People used to like me, you know. 
 
 Back in the golden days of mighty heroes, vicious dragons, and lovely ladies. I was held in awe and glory by the strongest of warriors, wisest of wizards, and cunningest of thieves! 
 
 Cunningest? Most cunning? Cunninger? Whatever. 
 
 Whatever. Either way! Those men worshiped the grounds on sat upon! 
 
 Now look at me. The only attention I get is whenever some annoying peasant-lady whines on about `` lack of moral decency'' or `` perpetuation of of the brutal system.'' 
 
 I'm armor! Not a sewing kit! Of course I'm meant to be used for brutality and violence. Come on! 
 
 Ugh. I wish people still used me. It's all about the useless, dark, edgy shit for antiheroes now. Black robes, hoods, jackets, and capes... Goddamn capes. 
 
 They're not even armor! It's freaking clothing! CLOTHING! 
 
 How is clothing supposed to protect you from being thwacked over the head by some drugged-up bandit?! 
 
 Ugh... I swear, there'll come a day when those damn heroes, warriors, thieves, and mages will need me again. 
 
 It will be a day of reckoning for them, when all has turned dark and their precious `` decent clothing that actually covers them'' proves to be completely and utterly useless. 
 
 And in that moment, I will come back to save them from whatever monster they aim to fight against... Yes! There I will be to save the day! 
 
 Skimpy bikini armor will be back in fashion, eventually! Mark my words! Then I'll be the one laughing! 
 
 One day! 
 
 *What the fuck?! * 
 
 Hero?! Wait, please tell me you did n't hear that! 
 
 *I'm out. This is just... weird. * 
 
 No, wait! Do n't put me back in the bag! It's cold and dark in there! 
 
 *Never wearing you again. Ever. * 
 
 Please! Do n't leave me! 
 
 Nooooooooooooo! 
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 `` And that, dear bandit, is why I refuse to wear that thing...'' 
 
 `` Because it makes you look like you work at a brothel?'' 
 
 `` No, because it was talking giving an internal monologue during my screen-time! No one cuts into my screen-time... Especially not a scanty piece of chainmail that's three sizes too small for me!'' 
 
 `` They're not that big. Hell, those things are actually pretty tiny-looking, like little tangerines- HNRGHHHHH!'' 
 
 `` Sorry, what was that, Bandit? I could n't hear you over the sound of your head smashing against the table.'' 
 
 ``...'' 
 
 `` That's what I thought.'' 
 
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 [ Yeah, probably deviated a bit more than I thought I would. ]
