[ WP ] On his way home from the store , a man is randomly selected and kidnapped by aliens to represent humanity in the Galactic Council . Still clutching his shopping bag , he prepares to join his first meeting .

`` Go on in, they're waiting.'' A long arm prodded me towards the entrance to a grand hall. 
 
 `` I told you, you got the wrong guy! At least let me-'' 
 
 `` Ah ah ah!'' It hummed. `` The council just wishes to see an average person from the South Western United States. You will be compensated for your time when this is finished.'' My eyes lit up. 
 
 `` Compensated? I like that!'' 
 
 Clearly out of patience, I was shoved into the hall. The door slammed behind me. *Great*. I still had my bag, never had a chance to put it away. Had n't even made it to my car before they swooped me up and ran off, just like in the shitty TV shows. I looked ahead to the rows of columns and dark blue light. I sighed, realizing I'd have to walk for at least thirty seconds before I got to the actual council. I readjusted my grip on my shopping bag and began my journey. 
 
 It was a pretty quick journey, more like twenty five seconds. My Broncos shirt waved elegantly in the wind. I stood on a single metallic circle, surrounded by the most powerful sentient beings in the galaxy. I burped loudly and scratched my ass before dropping the bag. Long day and all. 
 
 `` You, what is your name?'' The collective voiced of the council roared. 
 
 `` Woah, like, chill out. I'm Sammy, you can call me Sam though.'' I paused, pushing my foot against the bag nervously. `` What's your names?'' I smiled. 
 
 `` Tell us of your governments. Are they benevolent, or malevolent? Are you plagued by disease, famine? Tell us the problems that surround your world.'' The one in the center spoke alone this time, his colleagues reclining back and beginning to take notes. I coughed a few times. 
 
 `` Sorry, I'm a bit sick. Uhh, I mean, I do n't know man. I guess politicians are assholes, but like, they do good things too.'' The creatures wrote furiously as I spoke. `` There are n't really like, purely benevolent or malevolent people that are in charge, they might lean one way more than the other but there are n't really absolutes, you know? I guess we like to be neutral.'' 
 
 `` Your bag, this is important to you, yes?'' I looked down at it. 
 
 `` O-oh yeah, yeah that stuff. I mean, what, do you want it?'' I crossed my arms, almost regretting the offer. The creatures leaned into each other and whispered. Some pointed. I scratched my ass again. 
 
 `` Our answer is yes, we would like to see what you have in the bag.'' I sighed, and picked it up. I shuffled around it a bit, then produced a small jar. The creatures all stared at it in awe. Some produced small devices with flashing lights, possibly taking pictures. `` What is it?'' They echoed in unison. 
 
 `` Just some stuff I picked up on my way home... Yeah, you know, where I was going...'' I coughed again with emphasis, but the expression seemed to be lost on them. I rolled my eyes and held it out. `` Do you want some?'' They seemed confused at the offer. 
 
 `` That depends. Would you say this is your civilizations greatest gift?'' A smile crept across my face. 
 
 `` Sure man, I guess so!'' 
 
 The council looked at each other with excitement. `` Excellent, perfect! This truly was a wonderful day then, for all parties! Now, Sam you said yes?'' I nodded. `` How do we use this gift of yours?'' 
 
 I scratched at my chin. `` I mean, do any of you have a lighter?'' 
 

