[ WP ] Pain is discovered to be the most efficient form of energy . It is ruled illegal , but secret human pain factories have already begun . You are the owner of one of these factories .

For the first time in my life, I'm wearing a white lab coat. We all are. They're starched stiff as a board and so uncomfortable that Bikram joked that we should all be hooked up to the device. 
 
 It was n't that funny, but we all laughed like it was the greatest joke we'd ever heard. Gallows humor, I suppose. 
 
 We're all nervous. Today is a big day for us. 
 
 That's why I'm carrying a clipboard with graphs and numbers that, for all I know, show the peanut crop yields in Peru. It's why I'm wearing glasses despite having 20/20 vision. And it's why we're wearing these lab coats that just arrived in boxes yesterday morning. 
 
 This lab coat has nothing to do with our jobs. But it does n't have anything to do with your doctor's job either, and he still wears one. 
 
 The truth is, we're wearing them for the same reason as your local doctor. Because it gives the appearance of science and sterility. 
 
 When I bought the operation, the people in this plant had been drinking coffee out of styrofoam cups. It looked like a factory floor. One of the technicians had been wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt that said, `` Somebody's got a case of the Mondays.'' 
 
 Amateurs. It's like they're *trying* to look like a sweatshop. They'll never get approved that way. 
 
 The doors burst open, and 10 people in smart suits come sweeping in. It's a wonder they did n't walk into walls, since everyone's eyes are glued to their Blackberries, fingers frantically typing typing out press releases and orders to their lackeys. 
 
 I sweep toward the Congresswoman, head and shoulders slouched slightly forward in a position of supplication. I give my brightest smile, all lips and no teeth to avoid dominance, mouth slightly open to give the appearance of delight. I reach out with both arms, somewhere between a handshake and hug. 
 
 `` Congresswoman Perkins! We are *so* pleased to have you here today!'' 
 
 She does n't even look up from her Blackberry, her fingers never pausing from punching the keys. 
 
 To reduce the awkwardness of her ignoring my attempt to shake hands, I clap my hands together and give a slight, almost subliminal bow. `` We are so happy that you could *join* our little project today, Congresswoman.'' 
 
 Her typing does n't even pause. It's like I'm not even there. I need to get her attention. 
 
 `` I know you're busy with your *campaign*, so your time is very *valuable*. Speaking of which, we hope you received our small effort to help with your re-election.'' 
 
 Not exactly subtle, but it has the desired effect. She finally makes eye contact with me, but she's shooting daggers from her eyes. She holds her Blackberry to one side without looking and waits for an aide to take it. 
 
 I turn with a flourish and a sweep of the arms. `` I thought we could start here, in the *heart* of our plant.'' 
 
 I approach the main power terminal, which I instructed should be filled with dials and blinking lights. Most of them are useless, in terms of power generation, but useful in terms of the effect on viewers. I had the entire operation designed in clean-looking chrome and a layout that subtly recalls the bridge of the Starship Enterprise. 
 
 I place my hands on the shoulders of one of the technicians in a fatherly gesture. He's an actor that I hired because he looks like a small town doctor. `` This is Stephen,'' I say. I have no idea what his real name is. `` Graduated top of his class at MIT.'' 
 
 Perkins interrupts me. `` How are you even operating? Using pain to generate power is illegal. I co-sponsored the bill.'' 
 
 `` Electrical generation through *discomfiture* is illegal.'' That term was heavily focus grouped. It's better to not even refer to the methods, but if you have to, most people do n't even know what discomfiture means. `` This is a closed project. It's not generating power for electrical use. We're not connected to a power grid.'' Well, except for the dials and lights in this office. And a few nearby operations. But I wo n't mention that. `` This is merely a scientific study of its practical applications. And we ca n't outlaw *science*, can we?'' 
 
 `` But your project generates power through torture.'' 
 
 `` Congresswoman,'' I say like I'm patiently explaining concepts to a 5 year old. `` *We* do n't torture anyone.'' 
 
 I let the implied reference to Abu Ghraib hang in the air for a moment. 
 
 `` Torture implies an unwilling participant. Every one of our employees is here voluntarily. If any of our employees want to leave, they are free to do so at any time.'' 
 
 `` Then why would anyone subject themselves to... *this*?'' She practically spits the last word at me. 
 
 `` We pay $ 50 an hour, which -- according to the latest Census -- is somewhat higher than the average pay in your district. We offer 401K plans, health and dental insurance, and paid leave. And if any of our employees feels the need to seek alternative employment, we offer generous severance packages. Our offer was not only popular, we had people lining up for the chance to work here.'' 
 
 `` How many people are hooked up to your machines?'' 
 
 She's asking about the pain subjects, but I ignore that. `` Well, including the people in here,'' -- I give Stephen's shoulder a shake, and he turns and smiles at her and blinks those baby blue eyes, just like we practiced -- `` plus the *doctors* and *psychiatrists* that we keep on staff to monitor all activities,... 65. 
 
 `` But as I said, this is just a small, scientific study. I would imagine that a fully stocked operation would involve...,'' I pause for dramatic effect,''... a little over *three thousand* jobs.'' 
 
 I turn away from her, as if addressing a distasteful subject. `` If I remember correctly, the unemployment rate in your district is... somewhat worse than the national average. I imagine that those jobs would be *useful* in a difficult economy like ours.'' 
 
 She fidgets uncomfortably. I wish she were hooked up to the machines right now. `` Jobs? Being poked with needles and cut with knives? Those are n't jobs.'' 
 
 I do my best to look offended. `` Oh, it's nothing so medieval, I assure you.'' I gesture to a door nearby and 2 people enter. `` These are 2 of our employees, Rebecca and Jacob.'' Biblical names. It was supposed to be 3 employees, but one of them developed an unfortunate tic. Not very presentable. `` As you can see, there are no marks on them. Our *doctors* give a thorough examination to all of our employees after every shift to ensure their well being. I can assure you that those *doctors* would never allow us to physically disfigure the employees.'' 
 
 Electricity. That's how we cause the pain. Knives and needles cost money. We make electricity, so it's free. And it has the benefit of leaving no physical marks, beyond the occasional black, smoldering crater in the skin. 
 
 She remains steadfast. `` You can offer all the dental plans you want. People wo n't undergo 8 hours of pain for a paycheck.'' 
 
 I look sad, as if addressing an unavoidable disease. `` Construction workers, coal miners, lumberjacks. Any job that requires physical activity often involves some physical discomfort. Administrative assistants develop repetitive stress injuries. College athletes develop neurological dysfunction from micro-concussions. Many jobs involve some measure of physical pain. 
 
 `` Indeed, you went to West Point, did n't you, Congresswoman? Certainly your job as a soldier protecting our *freedoms* involved some measure of pain. Basic training, defusing IEDs in Iraq. All for our benefit, and all involved some measure of discomfort, pain, even the risk of death. And you and your fellow soldiers did so voluntarily.'' 
 
 She looks peeved. `` That was service to a greater cause. We do n't need to do this. We already generate enough power. We do n't need to cause pain to do it.'' 
 
 `` You recently sponsored a bill on greenhouse gasses, so I'm sure you're aware that the largest portion of our electrical power comes from coal. Coal power gives off greenhouse gasses, which -- to quote you --'threatens catastrophic consequences to our planet and our people.' To say nothing of coal miners, like those poor miners trapped in West Virginia in 2006, and Utah in 2007, and Chile in 2010. Nuclear power creates nuclear waste, toxins that will remain radioactive for thousands of years. Hydroelectric, solar, wind turbines -- all wreak havoc on our ecosystems and will have detrimental effects on future generations. 
 
 `` To state it simply, Congresswoman. The methods that we currently use to generate power *already cause of pain*. To everyone. Us, our children, and our children's children. 
 
 `` This method is entirely green. No greenhouse gasses. No smog or acid rain. No environmental devastation. No lasting effects to pawn off on our children. 
 
 `` It's just a question of whether we compensate those feeling the effects of our power generation directly, or if we force the consequences of our actions on our children without offering anything in return.'' 
 
 `` You ca n't be serious.'' For the first time, she looks at me like she's taking me seriously. 
 
 `` The Palo Verde nuclear power plant in Arizona, if operating at full capacity for 24 hours, can generate 12,000 Megawatt hours. This operation, with 65 employees, can generate 15,000 Megawatt hours. In one 8 hour shift. 
 
 `` And as I said, this is a small operation. If we built this power operation at full capacity in your district, your city can have thousands of jobs, and we can export electricity to neighboring cities. We can export electricity to neighboring *states*. Think of the *power* we can generate.'' 
 
 She looks surprised. `` Jesus. Your company would instantly become a utility. You'd be rich.'' 
 
 I chuckle. `` Yes, I suppose we would generate a lot of tax revenue. It's just a question of whether that revenue would be generated in your district, or someone else's.'' 
 
 I smile. But this time, it's all teeth.
