[ EU ] Ebenezer Scrooge has to learn the true meaning of Halloween .

Part Two: A Very Ebenezer Halloween 
 
 “ Savana will get hugged by all the Tiny Tims unless you change your ways. When John finds out that Savana made babies with the entire lacrosse team he will create a form of Ebola mixed with crack cocaine. Of course this can all change, if! You! Change! Your! Ways! ” The ghost of Halloween present said eating a bag a skittles and then pretending to be Spiderman. 
 
 Billy ’ s eyes then went black and his voice changed to a deep booming demonic voice as two emaciated depressed college students, 
 
 “ Ha ha ha ha ha ha. These are my children Ignorance and Want! ” 
 
 “ Why must they so thin and sad? ” Ebenezer screamed. 
 
 “ Is there no puntang? Are there no working bongs? Ebenezer if you do not change your ways I will bathe in your burning entrails for eternity. ” With that the ghost of Halloween present dissolved into the ground dragging his two souls back to hell. 
 
 Almost instantly the final ghost appeared, and from the mists it appeared to be Rodney Dangerfield from Caddyshack. Rodney Dangerfield played with tie and appeared to be sweating even though he was a ghost. Ebenezer looked confused. 
 
 “ I ’ m the ghost of Halloween yet to come kid, ” He said wiping his face with his tie, “ I ’ m here to fulfill my ghost community service, I ’ ll tell you what life is just a bowl of pits kid, oh yeah! ” Rodney snapped his fingers, “ I have to show you the grim future of Halloween! ” 
 
 The room melted away for the last time and Ebenezer saw the grim darkness of the 22nd century. Patrol bots flew overhead shinning lights down on the black streets below as massive posters of a stern woman shouted slogans. 
 
 “ Obey, obey the Matriarch! Zone 762 is free of the patriarchy. Report men criminals to the ministry of gender equality. ” 
 Rodney Dangerfield took a look at the matriarch and said, “ This girl ’ s so ugly that she must be a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off. ” 
 
 Ebenezer looked on unamused to which Rodney replied with, “ I get no respect. ” 
 
 Copdroids were forming in the street and broke down a door, dragging the occupants from the house. 
 “ This family is guilty of breaking Matriarch code 812812838123R-B, belief in the Halloween spirit, ” the Copdroid said in its cold mechanical voice before systematically putting its pistol to the back of each of member's head and pulling the trigger. 
 
 The dystopian future of the 22nd century faded and Ebenezer ’ s room returned. Rodney Dangerfield broke the silence, “ Yeah, I don ’ t get the point of that one, but yeah its time you learned the secret of the true meaning of Halloween, ” Rodney Dangerfield threw a snickers bar in Ebenezer ’ s face before slapping him with his cock. 
 
 “ Don ’ t be a cunt, ” Rodney Dangerfield said before fading. 
 
 Ebenezer awoke with the two charity gentlemen standing over him in the parking lot. 
 
 “ Hey guy are you alright, looks like you passed out. ” 
 
 Ebenezer awoke, “ Why what day is it? ” 
 
 A strange cockney boy standing nearby dressed in a Dickensian fashion said in a broken south London accent, “ Why it be Halloween day m ’ lord! ” 
 
 Ebenezer stood up and empty his pockets of money into the gobsmacked gentlemens ’ hands. 
 
 “ Merry Halloween to all! ” Ebenezer yelled. He immediately rushed back into the Apple Store. 
 
 “ John! John! ” Ebenezer yelled! “ Get over here son! ” 
 
 John ran out of the stock room scared he was going to spending his days sucking cock for crack money. 
 
 “ Sir, I ’ m stock taking I swear! ” John said in fear. 
 
 Ebenezer smiled and let out a brief chuckle, “ Take off tonight, enjoy spending time with Savana. ” 
 
 “ Really? ” John said excitedly. 
 
 “ Yes! Get out of here before I change my mind scamp! ” Ebenezer said play boxing with John before John ran out, a smile on his face. 
 
 Unfortunately John drank too much that night and decided to get behind the wheel. Savana was killed instantly when they went over the center line and hit a dodge caravan with a family on their way to Disneyworld. The entire family was killed and the cops found John covered in brains. John was paralyzed from the neck down and was convicted of capital murder by an overzealous district attorney who fabricated evidence so the state would have to renovate its gas chamber in return for kickbacks from seedy contractors. John Everyman was put to death July 18th 2016. Three witnesses to the execution committed suicide because they couldn ’ t shake his screams from their dreams. The deputy warden also murdered his wife with a bowling pin. 
 
 John ’ s tale is like so many others who make the mistake to drive while intoxicated. 
 
 Please don ’ t drink and drive. 

