[ EU ] Sterling M. Archer agent of S.H.E.I.L.D .

*Open shot, outside of I.S.I.S. Headquarters* 
 
 **Archer**: [ Excited ] I ca n't believe I got the job at S.H.I.E.L.D.! 
 
 *Inside Mallory's office. Mallory is seated behind her desk, whiskey in hand. Archer leans on the bar, also holding a drink. * 
 
 **Archer**: [ Deadpan ] I mean really, I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around it. Because of, you know, our crazy awful track record here. 
 
 **Mallory**: [ Eyes narrow, through gritted teeth ] I do n't believe *anyone* would hire such a colossal idiot like you. 
 
 **Archer**: [ Ignoring her ] They must have heard about the job I did in Kiev... I wonder if I'll get to meet Tony Stark? That guy is seriously badass. He probably pisses Glengoole Blue. 
 
 **Mallory**: Why would you get to meet him? S.H.E.I.L.D. does n't work with any of *those* types. Pshh! [ Muttering ] Superheroes, think they're *so* much better than us. 
 
 **Archer**: [ One eyebrow raised ] Mother, have you never heard of the *Avengers*?! Seriously, how could you not know that S.H.I.E.L.D. hired them? 
 
 **Mallory**: [ Eyes wide, looking away ] Well, there may have been a *teensy* mix up... 
 
 **Archer**: [ Eyes narrow, accusing ] Mother, what did you do? 
 
 **Mallory**: How was *I* supposed to know that S.H.I.E.L.D. was spelled with the *I* first? I mean, who invented that stupid word, the French? 
 
 **Archer**: [ Rage building ] *You* have always put the *I* first, Mother, *why* would n't you do it now?! And everyone knows it's *I* before *E*, except after *C*! This is grade school stuff! 
 
 *Cheryl/Carol pokes her head in the door, visibly annoyed* 
 
 **Cheryl**: [ Shouting ] *Why* is everyone shouting letters in here? What is this, a spelling bee for deaf people?! It's all, U! I! Y! E! C! - 
 
 **Mallory**: -*you be* quiet! [ To herself ] The way she changes her name I would n't be surprised if *anything* came after the C. 
 
 **Archer**: [ Still indignant ] If you do n't mind Mother, can you tell me who I'll *actually* be working for? 
 
 **Mallory**: They're the Sanitation and Hospitality Experts' Individual Labor Division. 
 
 **Archer**: Which means...? 
 
 **Mallory**: You'll be a housekeeper. 
 
 *Carol tries unsuccessfully to contain a chuckle, Archer snaps a quick glare at her* 
 
 **Archer**: You mean like *Woodhouse*?! Never! No shitting way! 
 
 **Mallory**: Well if you do n't, then you'll be blacklisted by the whole organization- 
 
 **Archer**: Do n't care. 
 
 **Mallory**: AND their affiliates, which includes the real S.H.I.E.L.D. 
 
 **Archer**: Wait, they're actually affiliated? 
 
 **Mallory**: Yes, and if you do well here then maybe that means you'll get a chance to apply. 
 
 **Archer**: [ Resigned ] Fine, but I'm not going to like it. 
 
 **Cheryl**: [ Under her breath, restraining laughter ] At least you get to be Iron Man! 
 
 *Cut to intro*
