[ WP ] Donald Trump 's hair is actually an alien lifeform intent on global domination .

Leave it to the biggest blowhard on the planet to take all the credit. 
 
 I first attached myself to Donald Trump's balding noggin on an icy, insufferably windy December morning back in 1983. I had been searching for a suitable dwelling-place for what seemed like ages, but limited by a distinct set of necessary conditions, my hunt had proven fruitless. That's when I gazed upon The Donald for the first time. 
 
 There were several basic needs in a host that I could n't do without. First, the host would need to be impossibly rich. I did n't travel billions of light years from my home planet of Mane to live in a cesspool like earth in abject poverty. Second, I needed to find a source that was almost entirely bald. Although The Donald had done an enviable job of hiding his receding hairline from the public, my ingrained targeting system was quick to wade through the weeds and pinpoint his ever-emerging scalp. 
 
 Most important, due to my distasteful outward appearance, was to find a host with a sense of self-delusion so grandiose that it would n't object to a sudden, permanent bond with a meandering vagabond of a hairpiece so aesthetically vile that it would become a source of incessant ridicule for decades to come. 
 
 I know I'm not pretty, but what I lack in beauty I more than make up for in tact. I'm considered of merely average intelligence of my home planet, but our species' DNA provides us with unique qualities of extrasensory perception. Think of me as Superman without the flying, the superhuman strength, x-ray vision, ace reporting skills, or unnaturally good looks. 
 
 While my skills remain subtle, they are no less powerful than any of your world's greatest super villains. How else do you thing that lump of batshit-crazy uselessness has amassed a net worth of $ 10 billion? After I win the 2016 election, I'll invite my entire planet to earth to find hosts of their own. Your world will become our playground, and there's nothing you can do about it. You only have to look at those Republican nominee satisfaction polls to realize the truth. 
 
 The Donald continues to insist that I'm real, and despite his best efforts, he's absolutely right. Soon enough, you'll all find out exactly how real of a threat I can truly be. 
 
 

