[ WP ] You have died and have been sentenced to Heck .

Tagging this as NSFW due to language. 
 
 -- - 
 
 ``... dead?'' 
 
 `` Dead.'' 
 
 ``... dead.'' 
 
 `` Most assuredly.'' 
 
 The nondescript man sat across from me at his nondescript desk in his nondescript office. A nameplate said'Chris' but other than that, a manilla folder and an Apple II computer, his desk was as bare as his office. No pictures, no window with a view and no way for me to tell if he was joking or not. I was still wearing my scuba gear, the air tank pushing me to sit precariously on the very edge of my chair. He simply sat there, patiently waiting for it to sink in that I was indeed `` …really dead?'' 
 
 `` Yes.'' 
 
 `` Shit...'' 
 
 `` No.'' He said with a shake of his head. 
 
 `` No?'' 
 
 `` No'shit','' he said making air quotes with his fingers, `` shoot.'' 
 
 `` I, ah... do n't....'' While I fumbled with understanding he opened the manilla folder. 
 
 `` This is a list of some of the expletives and insults that are banned here.'' He said and proceeded to read them off, `` fuck, shit, asshole, bitch, limp-dick, puke-stain, pussy, cocksucker, damn...'' 
 
 `` Am I in Hell?'' I interrupted, fear knotting in my stomach. 
 
 ``... crapsack, felch and hell. And no, this is not Hell.'' He answered then continued, `` Acceptable alternatives consist of; shoot, shucks, darn, tiddlywinks, fiddlesticks, phooey, hooey, fudge. Fracking has become very popular in the last ten years thanks to some sci fi shows...'' 
 
 If this was n't Hell, it certainly was n't sounding like Heaven, `` Christ!'' I exclaimed. He simply looked up and shook his head. 
 
 ``... gosh, golly, bother, pooh, blow it out your ear or nose...'' 
 
 `` Wait, what if I tell somebody'I took a shit yesterday and now my asshole hurts'?'' I asked interruping again. `` It's not like I'm insulting anyone and those are the proper terms...'' I chuckled inwardly. 
 
 With a sigh, he closed the folder and squared it on his desk. `` A complete list is in your welcome packet at your assigned home. To answer your question, context and intent are supposed to be taken into account. But if you ’ re going to say you'took a shit last night and now your asshole hurts', just for the sake of saying'shit' and'asshole','' again with the finger quotes, `` the Censures will know and respond accordingly. More than a few comedians and so called shock jocks have come through trying; ‘ shih tzu ’, ‘ cockerel ’, ‘ marsupial ’. It's best to just avoid it all together, do n't even try.'' 
 
 `` Censures? Swearing? Where the hell am I if this is n't Hell?'' 
 
 `` Heck.'' He said. 
 
 `` Fine, where the'heck' am I...'' I shouted throwing those finger quotes back in his face. 
 
 `` Heck!'' He said, cutting me off his patience obviously wearing thin, `` You're in Heck, not Hell or Heaven, Heck.'' I sat there, mouth opening and closing but no words were coming out. He turned to his computer and started clacking away on his keyboard while his computer blipped and beeped. “ Michael Penn, 24, sentenced to Heck because you don ’ t follow through and are basically lazy where you shouldn ’ t be lazy. Especially where it counts. ” 
 
 “ Now hold on. ” I said, “ I do plenty… ” 
 
 “ Plenty, like finish insulating your mother ’ s attic? She got pneumonia. How was your Graduate thesis going? Did you even pick a subject? Pay much attention to the scuba instructor? How ’ s that oxygen regulator? ‘ Jeepers ’ I can see the crimp in your hose from here. ” He hit a key on his keyboard and a printer, probably under his desk, started printing. It was the same year as his computer, it had to be by the noise it made and the fact the page he tore off had those perforated sides with the holes. “ You are sentenced to Heck until you learn to improve your character. This page has your address information and other vitals. ” He finished as he handed the sheet over. 
 
 “ How long will I be here? ” I asked, cowed a bit by his rejoinder. 
 
 “ Average length of stay is 35 years. If you don ’ t improve to the Censure ’ s satisfaction, you get sentenced to a… less tolerable afterlife. ” He said. “ Automatic reassignment occurs after 100 years. Don ’ t lose that sheet. ” 
 
 “ Shit. ” 
 
 “ Alright, get it out of your system now. All your ‘ shits ’ and ‘ fucks ’, ” finger quotes, “ because once you go through that door, they just add to your sentence. ” I looked to where he was pointing and saw a door I hadn ’ t noticed before. “ A piece of advice… the Creator… was fond of the 50 ’ s and early 60 ’ s, it ’ s Leave it to Beaver, Ozzy and Harriet and My Three Sons all wrapped up together out there. Just remember that, work hard and maybe you ’ ll get out of here in a couple of decades. Don ’ t lie or try to trick the Censure ’ s they ’ ll know and only makes it harder. ” He reached out his hand, I took it and we shook. 
 
 Standing up and turning to the door, it opened on its own. As I stepped through, I heard a loud, booming voice that grated on my ears like a drunk step-brother shouting through a fan, “ MICHAEL PENN, I AM CENSURE X7337 WELCOME TO HECK. YOU MAY ADDRESS ME AS X7337, PHO NGUYEN OR CHERYL. CHOOSE NOW! ” 
 
 “ Um, Cheryl…? ” 
 
 “ YOU HAVE CHOSEN CHERYL. YOU HAVE MADE 418 NEW YEAR ’ S RESOLUTIONS IN YOUR LIFETIME, OF THOSE YOU HAVE COMPLETED 7, WE WILL START ON THE NEXT 411 NOW! ” 
 

