[ WP ] Caffeine , tobacco , and alcohol have all been reclassified as Schedule 1 drugs in the United States .

The first casualty of this law was higher education. College students all across the country staged massive demonstrations for the right to have caffeine, and the police force was deployed in record numbers to stop the protesters. They cracked down on universities hard, kicking down barricades made of dorm furniture and dragging kids out of their dormitories by the thousands. Cries of “ Don ’ t tase me bro! ” and “ My dad ’ s a lawyer, he ’ ll have you kicked off the force! ” were heard everywhere as white college kids replaced underprivileged minorities as the dominant demographic in prisons overnight. 
 Organized crime shot through the roof as new would-be drug lords fought for market dominance over the new contraband, recruiting the disgruntled ex-college students into their coffee cartels and prohibition-style liquor gangs. America soon became the stage for the largest drug war the world had ever seen. Eventually the power and authority of these new drug lords rivaled that of the government. Attempts to repeal the ban were quickly silenced with brutal assassinations. For better or worse, the ban was here to stay. 
 The workforce took a major blow as well, but recovered surprisingly quickly as most responsible working adults took up amphetamines and cocaine to get through their day. The rapid turnover quickly filled the streets with meth addicts, alcoholics and ex-smokers half crazed from withdrawal symptoms. Organized criminals gunned people down with impunity all over the country. However, society continued to thrive economically and produced goods at an exceptional rate due to the impressive drug cocktails that fueled worker productivity into a frenzy. 
 United States politicians interpreted this increased productivity to mean that their legislation worked, dismissing the collapse of education and staggering drug-related death toll as “ not our problem. The people are just lazy and stupid, or…whatever. It ’ s the other candidate's fault anyways! ” They patted themselves on the back for a job well done, pockets full of cartel money. God bless America! 

