[ PI ] MADNESS OF BRADBURY 'S OUTPOST - FEB CONTEST

Hi! I think you have an interesting story here; however, the formatting and the lack of editing are distracting. Some suggestions: 
 
 -- break down dialogue so that there is a new paragraph when a new person is talking. 
 
 -- clearly mark, with line breaks or asterisks or something, where Jaron's diary entries begin and end. 
 
 -- in general, try to separate your long paragraphs into shorter ones. 
 
 -- watch out for sentence fragments ( e.g. `` The iron bars curling around, creating the image of antlers of a caribou or moose.'' ) 
 
 On the content, I liked the setting, and the concept of visiting a strange scientist who's up to no good is a rich one that you can explore in so many ways! 
 
 When writing about how things move forward, do n't be afraid to cut out events that are tedious. ( I've made this critique a few times now, so you are n't alone. ) For example, I read a lot about detail about Jaron getting out of his carriage, Bradbury passing tea, eating a tuna sandwich for lunch. I know that it may seem awkward when writing to omit details like this, since in real life, getting from A to B involves a ton of banal little steps, but all this stuff can be cut out. 
 
 The drugs Bradbury was using on the lepers are also too modern for the 1890s. LSD was n't synthed until decades later, ditto sodium amytal. 
 
 I do think that with some editing and work on the pace, this could be a good story. Exploring the mystery of what Bradbury is doing with the lepers ( instead of having him come off as evil almost right away ) might be a good idea; i.e. he and Jaron could become friendly with one another, and Jaron interested in his scientific discoveries, and the fact that he's a total madman could be revealed more slowly ( and terrifyingly! ) 
 
 Congrats and good luck! 

