[ WP ] Employees complain that their IT Department is too restrictive . They do n't understand what they 're really being protected from ...

When Mister IT came into my office, I immediately rolled my eyes, dropped my chin, and splayed my hands across the desk in absolute submission. Mister IT, seriously, his name was Ichabod Tane. It was just one of those weird perversions like how people named Steve naturally congregate into little passive aggressive cliques. And, it did n't help that Mister IT emoted every quirk and mannerism of an IT geek, from the coke-bottle glasses and pen-protector right down to the little bit of cocaine - oh, you did n't know about this stupid trend? Yeah, seriously, it's a thing now. Star Wars geeks somehow got a hold of a stash of coke Carrie Fischer once carried in her Return of the Ewoks swimsuit edition, and they pay top dollar for like a Satoshi's worth to smear on the edge of their nostril. How fucked up is that? - and a splotch of Jolt soda painstakingly dyed into a nineteen seventies Battle Star Galactica T with Boxey's Muffit II along some contempory meme text like, All Your Stank Ass Bits Belong To Anonymous, or some retarded shit. 
 
 Anyway, I ca n't stand the sight of him anymore. 
 
 `` Uhm, uh, hi,'' Mister IT said. `` I, uhm,'' and he pointed at my laptop. `` Noticed you are charging your phone on the laptop's USB.'' 
 
 `` Yeah,'' I said. `` I did n't want to carry a plug around.'' 
 
 `` Well, uh, that's like against corporate policy because it's like really dangerous. You could,'' and here he did one of those ssh-snore-snort-snicker things. I swear the guy must rehearse the Klingon version of native khoisan parables or some shit. 
 
 `` So, how am I supposed to charge my phone?'' 
 
 `` With, a, uhm, psh, a plug, like it says in the hand book?'' 
 
 `` Then I have to - You know what, it does n't matter. Wan na know why?'' I banged on the laptop keyboard. `` See this? This could have five thousand cores in it and it would n't matter because you're shitty corporate tools have turned it into a five thousand dollar email machine. I'm serious. You ca n't develop or design shit on this, and it's really a pretty good piece of hardware.'' 
 
 `` Psh, huh, yaaww, that does n't have, snigger-murk, five thousand, buffaw, cores.'' 
 
 `` It does n't matter. I do n't care any more. I'm on conference calls all day anyway because we ca n't actually do any work on these computers.'' 
 
 But then he got serious, and leaned in much too close for comfort. `` You, you people never understand, but what I'm doing here is extremely important. I was in Mensa, after all. I've got a Masters degree from MIT's school of computational phraseology. Think about that, for a moment. Yeah, think about that. There are really bad things out there. But, do n't worry, I protect you. I. Protect. Yo-'' 
 
 `` Serious? You're going to Fifth Element me? Fine, whatever. I'll plug my phone into the outlet.'' 
 
 `` No! No! No! You can only charge your phone at one of the company designated phone charging stations. Yours is between stalls C and D in the mens bathroom.'' 
 
 `` How am I supposed to know that?'' 
 
 `` It was written down in your employee welcome email.'' 
 
 `` What email? You mean the one with the Starfleet Logo being bent over a Battlestar and being ass-rammed by a Kaijus?'' 
 
 `` Now that,'' he said, and backed up a little, `` That was, uh, um, what we call fan, uh, fic, and, look, I already spoke to HR about it and they told me my art might be misunderstood by some people.'' 
 
 `` Yeah, whatever, I thought it was some sick as shit - you know, the whole introductory paragraph was some nasty piece of work, I might add, but I do n't care. I'll spend my day camped out in the men's room while I charge my phone so I can stay on my never ending conference call. Fine. I have no idea what all this junk on here is actually doing, and I do n't care.'' 
 
 `` I - I just told you.'' 
 
 `` You talked a lot. You move your mouth. But you do n't actually say anything. Do you, have you actually tried to use one of these laptops you make us use?'' 
 
 `` Psh, flaw, no. Of course, shmrthfluffle, not.'' 
 
 `` I thought so. It does n't do a god damn thing.''
