[ WP ] Write the most elaborate , over-dramatic , and exciting story you can think of that all just turns out to be a set-up for a pun so horrible I 'll want to punch you

Turbulence buffeted the ship as we dove through the clouds, our flaming engines leaving a trail of smoke a mile long. Still, the Federation ships pursued us relentlessly. 
 
 I glanced at my copilot, his blue skin glistening with sweat as he attempted to keep the ship from falling apart. 
 
 `` You're doing a good job Zefra,'' I said, desperately hoping it was true. 
 
 Another round of laser bolts slammed into the ship. Bloody hell, could n't they see we where already doomed? Rhetorical question... they really did n't care; the ruthless bastards. 
 
 The ground was coming into view now. I could see the towering mountains to the west, looming up like giant waves, ready to crush as at the slightest mistake. 
 
 I stomped hard on the thruster pedal and the ship began to turn ever so slowly. Normally it would have been much faster, but those Federation dogs had left my ship in tatters. It was incredible we had n't blown apart on re-entry. 
 
 I can make out individual trees now. All I can do is aim for the largest open space and hope we do n't die. 
 
 `` Zefra,'' I barked, `` on my command I want you to cut the engines and eject the cargo pod.'' 
 
 He nodded in reply. Does n't really say much, but that's probably because he does n't have a mouth. 
 
 The ground is closer now and I've spotted my target for landing. 
 
 `` Now Zefra!'' 
 
 I could feel what little thrust the engines were still giving, cut out as he stabbed at the controls. 
 
 Without the rumbling of our fusion drive, it was deathly silent. Until the next round of laser bolts slammed into the hull. That was a real bad round, I could feel it. Sure enough, the thruster controls started blinking red, signifying that they would be as much help as my ex-wife raising our children ( not that I'm still bitter about that ). 
 
 Then the moment was upon us. The ground sped towards us eagerly, and I pulled out my last ace, deploying the speed breaks. 
 
 They worked! Momentarily. Then they snapped clean off, spiraling away behind us. 
 
 It was too late to do anything but hold on now. 
 
 We smashed into the ground still going far too fast, slid across an open field and through a thicket of trees. It hurt, I'm not going to lie. 
 
 As we emerged from the thicket of trees, still out of control, I saw a herd of black and white cows fleeing through the paddock before us. 
 
 They were never going to be fast enough as we quickly overtook them, sending bovines flying through the air. 
 
 Finally, the ship came to a grinding halt on the edge of a small stream. There was no noise but the creaking of our broken vessel. 
 
 Then down came one of the cows, landing smack bang on top of our windscreen. 
 
 I looked over at Zefra. 
 
 `` Well, that was udderly ridiculous.''
