( WP ) An adult mind experiencing life in a baby 's body .

`` SWEET TITTY BALLS, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH MY HANDS'' 
 
 I opened my eyes and this was all I could think. I was lying on my back, naked, on what felt like a mattress but I was still to focused on my hands. My vision was blurry but it was there, clear as day. I had baby hands and then I began to really freak out when I noticed they seemed to be attached to baby arms. With dread, I allowed my gaze to fall upon my torso and lower body where my fears were realized. 
 
 `` Yup, I'm a baby.'' That thought hit me like a proverbial ton of bricks. I was floored. `` What the fucking shit is going on right now?'' I wiggled my fingers. `` What the goddamn fuck is happening right now?'' I tried to sit up which turned out to be more difficult than I anticipated and I toppled over like a sack of flour. As I now lay face down in what has been confirmed as a mattress, I try to think of what happened last night, where I am, and WHY THE FUCK I WAS A BABY! My head hurt so I decided to focus on the easiest solution. `` Where am I?'' After several attempts, I sat up, looked around and took in what appeared to be a dingy cellar illuminated by a single light bulb slightly behind me. `` Son of a bitch.'' At that moment, a thought struck me that I had yet to utter a sound. Would I be able to speak. `` IS ANYONE HERE!'' I attempted to yell but all I heard was, `` Goo, gaah.'' 
 
 `` Shit.'' 
 
 I quickly summarized that I was in some dark cellar, in god knows where, held by god knows who and on a side note, I had turned into a baby. `` What the fuck happened last night?'' Its spring break but since me and my friends are lame we decided not to go anywhere, even though it's our senior year in college. Money, work, blah blah blah. Point is, we got hammered at the local bar last night and the last thing I remember is singing karaoke with a Ken Jeong lookalike. I remember that because I kept saying, `` You look like Ken Jeong. HAA GAYYYYYY.'' I never claimed drunk was was a clever me. 
 
 `` Ok, so I got drunk last night and now I'm a baby? This can not be happening.'' 
 
 Luckily this mattress was on the floor so I was able to do some sort of wiggle crawl over the edge of the bed and onto the floor. `` Ooomph.'' I determined that whatever motor skills I had developed up until yesterday were gone completely. My muscles felt like cooked spaghetti and every attempt to right myself was countered by the lack of muscle development and coordination. After several failed attempts to stand, I started to do crawl for the steps. I found it to be a miserable way to get around. My knees quickly became scraped and it was clunky and tiring. I needed to get out of this basement though. One by one, I crawled up the steps. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. My brain thought. `` Go. Forward. Pull.'' My body had other plans though. My fingers were too weak to get a solid grip and my arms to short for proper leverage. I could forget about my legs. Puffy and adorable, they were absolutely useless and stuck out at weird angles. I started to cry two stairs in and I could n't understand why. Sure, I was in pain, terrified, confused and overall helpless, but I knew crying was n't going to help. It was a wave of tears and I could hear myself wailing. 
 
 `` SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP,'' I thought frantically. Someone is going to hear me and ever since I realized this series of events may have not been random, I was hoping not to meet whomever was responsible. BANG. The door flung open. 
 
 `` Holy. Shit. Help me,'' I thought. With all the effort I could bear, I strained my baby head up to see what awaited me. 
 
 `` Are you serious?'' 
 
 `` Goo, goo,'' I heard myself say. 
 
 `` WHERE YOU GOING. GET BACK ON MATTRESS. YOU MY BABY NOW.'' The Asian man I sang karaoke with the night before stood in front of me. 
 
 `` What the fuck is going on!'' Again I could only muster, `` Gahhhh, goo goo,'' and I felt the sudden urge to burp after. I was frustrated, confused, scared and I have never felt so helpless in my life. `` Goo, goo, gooo.'' I kept trying. 
 
 `` YOU MAKE ME SING STUPID RICKY MARTIN SONG ALL NIGHT. YOU RACIST, ARROGANT ASSHOLE PRICK. I MAKE YOU BABY, TEACH YOU LESSON. 
 
 He ran down the stairs, picked me up put me back on the mattress and I have been here ever since. Every now and then he brings me some milk and baby food. I have no plans to escape, no hope for rescue. `` He turned me into a baby,'' is literally all I can think. I guess I'll just sit here and wait to grow up 

