[ WP ] Your extremely specific superpower finally gets to be used .

I looked over and saw the roll was empty. Of course. And *of course* I did n't notice until 20 minutes into one of the most epic shits I'd ever taken. The kind where I was having to give my asshole a pep talk, just to give it the motivation not to ruin my pants in the final moments as I power-walked to the coffee shop toilet. Now after virtually emptying my entire insides into the bowl, I discover everyone's worst nightmare: the toilet paper is gone. Like, there is n't even a shred hanging off the roll. Nothing. 
 
 In a desperate attempt to find another solution, I look over at the sink and hope for a stack of paper towels. But no, it's one of those useless air dryers that only makes your hands drippy and cold. 
 
 I let out a deep sigh and thanked myself for that trip to Tibet 10 years ago. It was a situation just like this, only worse. I had just finished a sha phaley and something inside it was wreaking havoc. You know that turn that your stomach does that suddenly changes every motivation in your life? You could be holding your son dangling over the edge of a cliff while the rocks around you start to crumble, but if your stomach does that move you might as well drop that kid and do something because you're about to fucking rocket out a fountain of shit. 
 
 Asking the vendor where the nearest toilet was an exercise that was only just barely productive and I remember kicking open the stall and almost screaming. There was no toilet. It was literally a fucking hole in the floor, and what stared back at me from that hole was nightmare fuel. But like I said, I'd drop my son off a goddamn cliff in this situation, so I practically ripped my pants off my body and proceeded to turn myself inside out over that hole. I literally peed out of my butt. 
 
 When the literal shit storm had completed, I made a new cultural discovery: no toilet paper. I lifted myself off the hole and grimaced after seeing what I'd created. There was simply no way I could just zip up and walk out in this condition. 
 
 I looked around and shrieked at the emptiness of the stall. The only decoration was a small lamp in the corner with some incense sticks poking out of the stem. I opened the dusty lamp and found inside a tiny scroll. There was only the briefest of hesitation over using this to wipe my ass. Who cares how ancient and valuable this was? After picturing Indiana Jones shouting authoritatively at me, `` That belongs in a museum!'' I unrolled the scroll. 
 
 But on the scroll was a perfectly typed note. It simply said, `` To those that would read this in a moment's desperation, if you are truly in need your heart will open to the possibilities of the Clean Break.'' 
 
 From that moment, I felt a welling of energy within me as my gut evolved. Became better. 
 
 I smiled, thinking back on that moment. I stood and looked over the grimy coffee house bathroom; a smile blossoming on my face. Since that moment I had never needed toilet paper again. Clean breaks every time. I am truly a free man.
