[ WP ] You come home from work to find your house has been quarantined -- surrounded by military vehicles , CDC , and news crews . Your family is inside .

After eating half a dozen bean burritos, my older brother Ralph had let loose a magnificent fart. 
 
 “ BLOOOO ” it had started off, “ WOP-WOP-WOP, ” it had continued, “ EEEEEEEEEEEP ” it had finished. Or so everyone at the dinner table thought. In fact, there was another segment to be released. Ralph bit his lip and shifted his left buttock into the air. “ EEEEEEEEEEEEEYOOOOOOOP, ” it went. 
 
 Before the flatulence had finished, my mother was on the phone dialing emergency services. At first they thought she was joking. But then she held out the receiver so the operator could hear the sounds everyone was making in the dining room. Their cries of agony were real. 
 
 “ Wait, ” Ralph said, “ I think there ’ s a little more. ” He lifted his right buttcheek into the air this time. 
 
 My aunt screamed. There was a great crash as people dropped their cutlery to the floor and knocked over their chairs. Everyone except Ralph escaped into the hallway. My father had a napkin stuffed into each nostril. 
 
 The dining room doorknob was turning. My father ’ s hand shot out. He gripped the doorknob in place. 
 
 “ Open up, ” Ralph said, “ Come on guys, you got ta smell this. ” 
 
 My mother turned to my father. “ We need a plan, ” she said. 
 
 “ There ’ s a Center for Disease control headquarters in Atlanta, ” my little sister said. 
 
 “ Okay, ” my father said, “ The car ’ s in the driveway. Let ’ s make a run for it. ” 
 
 He let go of the doorknob and they dashed through the entryway and out the front door. Ralph came crashing out of the dining room. 
 
 My family ran down the front steps and threw themselves at the doors of the brown Chevy Suburban. 
 
 “ Unlock it! ” my little sister screamed. 
 
 My father looked at her in horror. He was hurriedly patting at his pockets. 
 
 “ You forgot the key! ” My mother screamed, “ OH GOD! ” she burst into hysterics, “ Why did I even MARRY you? ” 
 Ralph was out of the house now, coming down the steps. 
 
 “ Dude, ” he said, “ I think I pooped a little. ” 
 
 Then he looked up and saw the Hazmat trucks. There were men in plastic hazmat suits standing in our front yard. Apparently the neighbors had called the cops too. 
 
 “ Whoops, ” Ralph said, “ I just pooped a little more. 
 
 The nearest Hazmat worker made a choking sound through his gasmask, and then dropped dead into a shrubbery. 
 
 “ BACK INSIDE! ” yelled a man in a white hazmat suit. He was shouting into a bullhorn. 
 
 “ All of you! ” he shouted, “ Get back inside now! ” 
 
 Ralph backed away slowly. 
 
 “ Noooooo, ” My mother screamed. She ran towards the backyard. A man in a yellow suit chased after her, holding a long pole with a wide hoop on the end. He lassoed her with it and brought her to the ground. She was weeping. 
 
 Another man in a yellow suit picked her up roughly and carried her up the stairs. She kicked her legs into the air. 
 
 My little sister grabbed the decorative rock that we hide the spare key under and threw it at the man in the white hazmat suit. She made a run for it. 
 
 BANG BANG BANG. 
 
 A man in military fatigues, cigar sticking out from under his moustache, had just fired three rounds into the air. 
 
 “ Back inside now, ” he said, “ No more resisting. ” 
 
 My family lowered their faces in defeat. They allowed themselves to be herded back inside by the men with long aluminum poles. 
 
 It was at that point that I turned onto our street and saw all of the vehicles parked out front with their red and blue lights flashing. 
 
 Oh yes, I thought to myself. It ’ s Tuesday. Mexican food night at the Johnson residence. 
 
 I made a U-turn and went back to work. 

