[ WP ] '' Life is just a video game . ''

One quarter, kid. That's all you get. One quarter, one playthrough, one life. There are no save points. There is no PRESS A TO CONTINUE. It's full-on NetHack in here, kid, so pop the coin in the slot, hit START, and buckle the hell up because it's going to get bumpy. 
 
 One quarter. One playthrough. One life. 
 
 By the way, I hope you're a fan of the RNG and pre-made characters, because that's basically going to determine whether the tutorial levels kick ass or suck ass. You do n't get to choose your build. You do n't get to pick your original party members. And starting loot? HA. That's a good one, kid. 
 
 It's a shit design, I know. The tutorials pretty much determine how you'll play the entire game. A high LUCK score to start might lead to epic levels, crazy drops, and finding a supportive guild full of people who are all too happy to tower dive for you ( and vice versa ). A low LUCK score, well... piranha plants need to eat too, I guess. The deck is stacked from the start, and there's not much you can do about it. If there's a designer, he sure as hell is n't patching anything anytime soon, so you'll just have to make due with what you've got. 
 
 By the way, you wo n't be told when the tutorials are going to end. One day you're hitting a dummy with a wooden stick, and the next you wake up to an announcer shouting `` FIGHT'' while some seven-foot-tall Thai motherfucker with pectoral scarring starts throwing Tiger knees at you. Ding ding, Round One done and you're left dazed and confused, wishing that you could have had a little more time to prepare for... for... well, whatever the hell *this* is. This game called life. But Round Two is coming up fast, and if you spend too much time thinking about how the tutorials fucked you over you're going to get lapped by every colorful character in here because you threw your controller in the corner after spinning out when the game started. More GG more skill, kid. You better figure that out soon or the race is going to end before you even hit the gas. 
 
 By the way, get ready to grind because there ai n't no warp whistles in this game. Everybody grinds, at least at the start. Oh, and I mean *everyone*, from GMs right down to Wood League. You want to stay in the game? You grind. You want to hit the EXP cap? Trick question, because you literally ca n't, but if you want to max stacks and loot you better believe there's going to be grinding involved. 
 
 What? That sounds terrible to you? Well too fucking bad, kid, that's the way it is. You can cry about it if you want. You can stay in Pallet Town, you can fuck around in ELO Hell, you can claim that the game is unbalanced ( which it is ) and that the people who beat you lack skill ( which they do n't ). You're absolutely free to lose at the game, to complain about the game, to refuse to learn about the game, and to *keep on* losing at the game. It's your right. You put the quarter in the slot. You hit START. You've earned the right to play however you want. 
 
 But you only get one quarter. One playthrough. One life. Or have you forgotten? 
 
 You can bitch and moan, or you can shut up and learn. Watch the players who are better than you. Ask them for advice. Emulate them, until you've got the basics down so well that you can start creating your own playstyle. Remember the tutorials that screwed you over? Here's your chance to throw them out and tweak your build. Want more STR? INT? CHA? Hit the gym, hit the textbooks, hit the town. Watch the winners and learn from them. There's no invisible wall, no uncuttable bush standing in your way. Watch. Emulate. Grow. Innovate. Level up. And then do it again. 
 
 But be prepared to lose, because it's going to happen all the time. And be prepared to lose in the shittiest of ways too. Remember the RNG that built your character? Yeah, that never *really* goes away. Oops, you got caught in an infinite combo. Oops, prices went up. Oops your cash flow went down, oops, your guildmate left the game forever, oops your friends all AFKed and now you're defending your Nexus alone with nobody at your back. You'll wonder why everything is so shit. You're sure as fuck not OP, so why are you constantly getting nerfed while everyone else gets buffed? It's bullshit, it's such fucking *bullshit*, that's it, you're done, you're fucking quitting this bullshit stacked game and never playing it again- 
 
 Stop. Take a second. Breathe. Your quarter is still in the machine. The game is still playing. You've still got the joystick in hand and the buttons beneath your trembling fingers. You're still *here*, kid, you're still PLAYER 1. You can come back from this. 
 
 And trust me, you'll want to, because this is the best fucking game ever made. Better graphics than Crysis. Scarier than Amnesia. Stranger than Katamari Damacy. Funnier than Monkey Island. Harder than Demon Souls. You think you can build anything in Minecraft? L. O. L. Kid, you make me laugh. This is the real deal right here. You wo n't find anything better or worse than this game called life. 
 
 So yeah. One quarter. One playthrough. One life. 
 
 Good luck. Have fun. Good game.
