[ WP ] A man time travels back to the same day repeatedly , but he ca n't save her

Attempt # 1,000: 
 I've decided if I ca n't save her this time, I wo n't try again. To those who will read this please know one thing... 
 I mean if anyone would know it's me right? It took me 999 tries but I think I fucking get it now. 
 You ca n't change what's going to happen, you can only alter how it will happen. 
 
 After the accident I invested four decades to this time travel bullshit. Yea I figured out how to go back, but only to the day of the accident for some reason, nothing earlier. 
 I do n't know what you want to call it: fate, destiny, God, fuck that's just the furthest back in time the fucking masochist would let me go. I thought I'd be able to go back in time and be an outside participant, but every time I go back I'm in my old self, my old body. She's there with me again, everything is there again. 
 Everything is the same except for what I've learned. 
 
 The first 15 or 20 times back I tried so hard man, but nothing would change it. I had way too much to drink the night Katie died, that's what started it all. So obviously on attempt # 1 I stayed dead sober. She thought it was weird since we were going out to a bar in Philly I've been talking about going to forever. If you've ever been bothered by your wife constantly asking you what's wrong, let me tell you that after 40 years by myself nothing sounded more perfect, I had to go to the bathroom and cry in the stall for a bit. Back then I did n't want to mess up the night I thought I could change. 
 I was so stupid. 
 So I drove home sober that night and made love to her again, for the first time in 40 years. 
 It was fucking amazing, magical. And then when she went to the bathroom she slipped on the floor and split her head open on toilet. 
 
 After those first few times I realized something was against me. No matter what I did, Katie died. So for the next two and a half years or something I just went back. Every day. I still tried to save her, but I knew it was pointless. I just wanted to spend time with her, and I thought that if I just lived that day with her over and over again, I would get used to her dying. I thought the happiness I got from being with her again would make me numb to her death but it never did. It was somehow... just so much worse. 
 Fuck. 
 Just putting it on paper makes me want to scream and undo all of this. 
 I ca n't fucking take it. Can you imagine holding your wife in your hands as she dies every night? Every. fucking. night. while nothing that you do changes anything? OF course you fucking ca n't because you did n't invite a time machine that does n't work for shit! 
 
 For the past few attempts I've actually tried to save her, but I think I'm done now. I ca n't stand another day where I wake up here, 70 years old, by myself and the only thing I have to look forward to is going back in time to watch Katie die, and then do it again the next day. 
 
 So I'm going to kill myself. But not here, not now. Maybe fate, destiny, or God will be satisfied once I go back in time for the one thousandth time, and kill myself. Desperate? Yes. That's all I've been since I've lost Katie, since I've lost her 1,000 times. If I ca n't wake up next to her one last time then at least let her wake up one time again. Please. 
 
 
 Philadelphia Inquirer 
 1/18/2016 
 
 POLICE BLOTTER 
 
 At 0135 1/16/2016 Saturday Morning Josh XXXXX was refused another drink at a Center City bar. He proceeded to punch his wife Katie in the face and fled the scene. Officers were nearby and pursued him in a car chase that ended with Mr. XXXXX crashing into a wall at 87 miles an hour. He did not survive. His wife Katie offered no comment when contacted by the Inquirer Sunday morning. 

