[ WP ] Leonardo DiCaprio in a fit of rage begins to torpedo his own career by deliberately acting poorly and taking on bad films . He finally wins an oscar for starring in Paul Blart : Mall Cop 3 .

`` I am Paul Blart.'' That is n't actually what Kevin James says. It's just the only thing I can hear as his wooden mouth flaps open and closed, his doughy face achieving an uncanny valley effect of almost-human that only Korean sex dolls usually reach. 
 
 `` And you think you can defeat me? Hmm?'' I smirk. Villains smirk. The academy loves a villain. Playing against type. Almost worked in Django, but I went full racist. You never go full racist. Damn that Christoph Waltz. 
 
 `` I AM PAUL BLART.'' He comes at me on a segway. I can barely see through the prosthetics ( the Academy loves hideous facial disfigurement ). My vision may be limited, but I can smell the salty pork rinds. And hey, a loss of vision worked for Pacino, right? 
 
 I step out of the way, slamming my foot hard into the Segway handle. James goes flying into a fountain. It's supposed to be for comedy effect, but I kick a little too hard, a little too firm, and he flops onto the concrete rim, deflating like a balloon. The academy loves ultraviolence. Finally worked for Marty, right? 
 
 `` I.AM. PAUL. BLART.'' Somehow he's stayed in character, though who knows what he's saying. I jump up, and flick my hair back, showing my lean physique. 
 
 `` I do n't care.'' I say, oozing badassery with a hint of kookiness. That potent Jennifer Lawrence combo. Damn, I wish I was Katniss. 
 
 `` Cut!'' The words come out of nowhere. I turn, and smile at the director, coming toward me. James is rolling around in a sea of blood. Eh. He'll be fine. `` Holy crap, Leo. Where did that come from?'' 
 
 `` Who cares?'' I shrug. `` Just picking up the paycheck.'' 
 
 It's a lie. A lie that worked for Michael Caine. Jaws 4: The Revenge... then a few years later he claimed a second golden statue. A lie that worked for Connery and his'Irish' cop in The Untouchables. A lie that could work for me. 
 
 I walk to my trailer. That's my second-to-final scene. The other one they'll be able to get some body double to fill. Tonight I cement my stardom. Worked for Heath, will work for me. 
 
 That's right... all of this is going to work for me. 
 

