[ WP ] You sneaked into the oval office on the first day the new president is in office . Convince him that you are the leader of a secret agency , that not even the CIA knows about .

Wearing a grey velour tracksuit as a man usually gets you labeled as a douche bag and dismissed. Rummage the lost and found at a bar to find some out of state drunk's Press ID who kinda l looks like you while looking like a douche in a velour tracksuit with an American flag lapel pin in the office of the executive branch means you are invisible with the perfect cover. Ironic when you are making and breaking celebrities really. I planned my infiltration carefully, with many forks in my plan of action based on situation presented. A grain of truth wrapped in lies is the same as as a lie wrapped in truth in propaganda. It did n't really matter for my mission... 
 
 So I took the first tour the day after the election. I knew he would be settling in, so you know I just blended into the douche crowd making rape jokes through the metal detector and winking at a professionally dressed scowling chocolate giant as he grabbed at my balls. I put him on the list... oh, he was going on the list. Poor asshole... oh well in a decade he'd be famous. 
 
 The tour meandered through, some reverent, some awless as he paced through. I ignored the tour guide and glanced at my watch. I could guess his schedule, but the exact detail changed moment to moment and I decided to make something happen. The mission needed to succeed. 
 
 On a scheduled bathroom break I grabbed a pensioner's camera left next to the sink while he pinched one off. He was old so he begins to raise hell about his DSLR being jacked in the `` supposedly'' most secure building in the world and offered an amazing distraction, he went on to the list, too. Into a linen closet I went and a silk napkin became a cravat and a cravat with a velour tracksuit makes you douche trendy, add a camera and you are a douche trendy artist, add an American Flag lapel pin and are a patriotic trendy douche artist and MUST belong on this very special day... Epic douche armor. No one wants to be anywhere near you but because of how you look and they also do n't want to talk to you because it will turn out you belong and hearing you `` brah'' it up makes them die inside a little. I slipped the press pass around my neck preparing to use it as the crown of my Epic Royal douche armor. 
 
 I walked around shooting the Pez ( you know the chin up `` I see you, brah'' nod guys give each other ) snapping pictures of the staff and saying `` I'm an independent publicist, brah'' while forcing the pass into their face arrogantly only solidified their assumptions. I Followed a staffer with a cup of coffee and a furtive gaze and you can be sure he's bringing that cup to the man himself. I broke right when the staffer cut left after saying `` See ya, Brah'', jimmied the lock to the Oval Office with a fork found in the linen closet and stood behind the curtains. When you stand behind drapes wearing such an outrageous get up, you are suddenly not only hidden but you do n't exist because your very presence and sight being hidden has turned those probably bullet proof curtains into an Indoucheability cloak.... You are in essentially invisible as everyone is grateful you seemed to disappear. 
 
 Less than a minute later I heard him and enter and shoo out the Secret Service, well wishers and the house staff to take in his prize; a little alone time to check his email in the the chair of the most powerful man in the world, which of course was now him. It creaked a little and I decided that this was the perfect time. 
 
 `` Good morning Mr. President.'' I said stepping casually out from behind the curtain. The poor guy about fell out of his chair sputtering coffee onto that famous and historical desk. I whipped of my napkin cravat wiping the spill easily. No reason to ruin something so historic. 
 
'Wha-what'' he said standing and backing up a pace. I simply held up my hands showing them empty and cut him off. `` Sir, I am here to brief you, please do not be alarmed and please do n't yell.'' I looked at my watch and saw I had about 5 minutes until the tour would be forced to continue and I would lose my chance to escape... Damn this was going to be close. 
 `` I have five minutes until I need to leave and so much to tell you. Do n't write anything down and most people will think you are insane or coward or an adulterer... or you might be assassinated if you talk about what I tell you... just look at Jimmy Carter, Kennedy, Bush II, or Clinton. Then again... well let me explain''. 
 
 The President kind of looked confused as my speech did n't match my get up. Cultured, brah? I began stripping the layers off as I spoke quickly. `` So Roswell was n't an Alien crash, Tunguska was. They Elunchi came here to study us like Jane Goodall studies apes after their initial reindeer incinerating fender bender. They just kind of hung around and blended in... well at first.'' I snapped a pic of the prez looking confused and put the DSLR down, doffed the tracksuit jacket and continued. 
 `` So here we are a little over a hundred years later and they have decided that we should never ever advance to their level of technology and that they are the masters of the universe and we will be their play things... not cool'' I shrugged in my undershirt and doffed the pants to show my American Flag Tighty Whites. `` So a few enterprising, intelligent men went about recruiting some of the most literal insane cooky scientist types that no one would believe anyway because they were well known to be mentally ill and gave them the task of figuring out certain things. Put these on. Give me your pants, shirt and tie''. The President hesitated a moment as he tried to figure out if I was serious wiggling douche armor at him. I looked him dead in the eye `` Hurry, up I do n't have much time'' and he began to dress in my tracksuit. I put on his pants, suit and tie as I continued. 
 
 `` So, crazy scientists derived motivations of unknowable chameleon ETs from the stars and how to be in control of our own destiny. The Elunchi have basically evolved past conflict, tension, and aggression while simultaneously becoming arrogant little trolls filled with avarice for our existing in conflict with their very strict self-centered religion. We progressed in less than a 100 years which took them a millennium and they are scared. So they discredit, humiliate, and otherwise muck up persons they feel may be great leaders. You know those people whom may unify us as a species in peace. The Elunchi have n't learned that war is tread of the tire burning up the road of technological advancement for humanity. Peace exists in our conceptual frame work as the opposite of war while with the Elunchi peace DID unite them and they lost the ability to differentiate between what we would consider the two states and what peace and war really are. So anyone they see as a demagogue in the classical sense or a celebrity espousing unity is destroyed through intermediaries in hopes creating a rift, which causes conflict which our warlike tool using nature turns towards better faster stronger ways to destroy each other and the technological progress simply nips on its heels and the cycle repeats every generation but is accelerating following Moore's law... Frustrating the HELL out of the Elunchi. Now smile.'' 
 
 I snapped a quick pic of the President half smiling in a track suit with an American flag Pin. 
 
 `` I-''. I handed him the camera and cut him off again. `` Take my picture''. 
 
 `` I do n't understand'' he said handing me back the camera. 
 
 `` You do n't have to. Like I said this is a briefing and your disbelief actually helps the mission. They keep pushing, you are suspicious of the press, or basically anyone especially when they show up from behind your curtains and tell you to undress while talking about aliens.'' 
 
 `` The CIA-'', `` Is clueless'' I finished his sentence with a flourish. 
 
 `` This sounds like some supermarket tabloid with bad photos.'' The President said rubbing his face and sitting heavily before freezing and his eyes suddenly going big. 
 
 `` You mean- `` Yes about 50/50 aliens and more recently and we're starting a new program to fight fire with fire. It is working beautifully actually. The Republicans by being more technophobic as a whole and the Democrats not offering solid logic on technological problems as a whole make the Elunchi giddy. While the average American neckbeard ignores both parties and goes and learns things and makes cool shit in his basement.'' 
 
 `` You're telling me that there are aliens, and they are controlling CONGRESS!?!'' he practically shouted the word. 
 
 `` Take it easy Mr. President.'' I said making a placating gesture with my hands before beginning to tie the perfect double Windsor in the fabulous Barney's tie. `` Not exactly, Congress is clueless chasing their own agenda, and since they are so public and the Elunchi believe we are so primitive that we follow the examples of our leaders they perfectly mask our plan of counter attack''. 
 
 The President scrubbed his face with his hands. `` So all the changes I want to make I wo n't will I? I wanted to help our Country, my people''. He looked crestfallen. I patted him on the shoulder lightly. 
 

