[ WP ] You know you 're completely incompetent . Yet you always succeed at everything you do . You 've always wondered why you 're so lucky . Today you finally find out why .

'Well it starts with your dad,' said the ugly little fucker sitting across the booth from me. 
 
 I nodded slowly, stirring my coffee, watching the swirls of white spread and muddy the bitter black drink. 
 
'He was a doozy of a client, I tell ya. Would *not* take no for an answer.' 
 
'Client?' I finally managed. 
 
'Oh, ya talk?' The goblin nodded sagely, the pustules on his face wobbling slightly. The waitress passed by us, seeing my cup full, without a second glance.'Yeah, client. That's what I do, my job *descriphun*, as such.' He strung out the word, butchering it - which was funny, because despite a wet pink tongue three sizes too big for his malformed mouth, the goblin had no troubles talking. 
 
'I am,' he said, spreading his knobbly arms wide,'a guardian angel.' 
 
 I stared at him for a full five seconds before I started giggling. 
 
 The goblin frowned, the expression making him none too prettier.'What's so funny, huh? Think little ol' me has n't done a good enough job?' 
 
'No, no,' I said, waving my hands.'Top job, really. I suppose. I'm trying to wrap my head around this.' I took a sip of my coffee, gently placing it back on the coaster. 
 
'Yeah. Well. Had to try pretty hard with you. Your ol' man, boy, what a hardarse. Never met a man with a twistier tongue. Got myself way up shit creek without a paddle with him, and it ai n't supposed to work that way. *We're* supposed to get the long end of the stick.' 
 
 He blew out a long, fetid breath.'Pass us some sugar.' I slid over a packet carefully, and he tore the sachet, pouring the white grain into his mouth. 
 
'So... this is debt repayment?' 
 
'The life you've got? Yeah, I'spose. You're cruising alright as is, I figure.' 
 
 I felt a familiar jolt of panic in my lower stomach.'I do n't think I'll go alright,' I said quietly. 
 
 The goblin leaned forward, spreading his lips into a twisted smile.'Well, I can always help ya out. We could bang out a nifty little deal right here and now. I help you on the same way I always have, shifting the course of events in a nice, tidy way for your favour.' 
 
'And I have to...?' I left the question hanging. 
 
'Oh,' he said, sitting back, feigning disinterest.'Not much, really. Maybe a few years of memories.' He saw my expression and backtracked.'Or, *or*, somethin' else. Like, your sense of touch. Do n't need that, right?' 
 
 I scowled.'Forget it.' 
 
 He shrugged.'Well, do n't say I did n't offer.' He paused.'Listen, You're a bit of a downer, so I'll cut you a deal. Things ai n't working out so hot, you give me a call.' He handed me a piece of paper - I did n't think about where he was holding it, the stunted little demon was naked - and smiled again. I looked down. It was a long number, maybe twenty digits. The scrap smelt like sulfur. 
 
'Thanks,' was all I could muster. 
 
'Yeah,' he said.'You're welcome.' He faded out the same way he came, slowly dissolving into reality - one second he was real, the next he just... was n't. 
 
 I sat in the booth for a while, staring at the piece of paper. After some time I shuffled over, setting myself into my wheelchair. My hands shook as I wheeled myself from the diner, what little strength left in them slowly fading as my nerves got eaten up. 
 
 And that damn piece of paper sat in my pocket like a piece of lead.
