[ WP ] It turns out that when you die , your soul is launched back in time , effectively becoming your own guardian angel .

*Oh god, oh god. * The thought runs through my head, unbidden. I remember this day, as clear as if it were yesterday. *I can ’ t watch. * 
 
 And yet, I do. It reminds me of the time I saw my mother naked when I was a teenager. I just can ’ t look away. 
 
 I watch as I raise my hand and call out. I am wearing a pretty sweet outfit. Jeans, a dress-shirt, a zip-up cotton sweater, and my Johnston and Murphy Conard Cap Toe dress shoes. 
 
 “ Hey Suzie! ” My younger self says, totally unaware of how bad I am about to get shafted. 
 
 Across the schoolyard, Suzie turns her head, smiling, looking forward to the next social engagement. Her golden curls bounce. If I still had a heartbeat, it will still skip. God she was beautiful. 
 
 At least until she started in on the meth. But that won ’ t be for another twenty years. For now, she is a picture of beauty. 
 
 Without breaking the conversation with her friends, she looks at me. The younger me. The one she can see... sort of. Her forehead wrinkles as she tries to work out why I would be hailing her. She doesn ’ t know who I am. She doesn ’ t even know I sit behind her in homeroom. 
 
 God I was an idiot. 
 
 Her speech falters. Establishing who I am is taking too much mental exertion to allow upkeep of her conversation. 
 
 She fails to recognize me. Her smile fades. She turns back to her friends. 
 
 I don ’ t even have to look at myself to know what I am thinking. Hell, I don ’ t *want* to look at myself. 
 
 But I do. 
 
 A flash of desperation crosses my face. This is my chance! I have to make her notice me. But how? 
 
 My eyes dart around the yard, searching for my salvation. The benches? No. The trees? No. 
 
 Ahah! The pole. 
 
 You know, on of *those* poles. Those 3-foot tall poles anti-vehicle poles. The poles that schools put into place to frustrate the plans of the subset of humanity they imagine would be tearing around schoolyards in their car -- were it not for the poles. Yeah. My eyes come to rest on one of those poles. 
 
 It has a lot going for it. It has yellow stripes. It is 3-feet tall, with a polished metal cap. And Suzie is walking towards it. She couldn ’ t avoid seeing me! 
 
 I jog over to the pole in a way that leaves no doubt that I am not on any varsity team. As I near the pole, I ensure that Suzie is watching. 
 
 And then I do it. I do my move. 
 
 I plant my right foot on the top of the pole, and press. My body rises up and over the pole in one elegant motion. 
 
 It was at this point that I learned two important facts. 
 
 First, if you are going to stride over a pole, one should not be wearing Johnston and Murphy Conard Cap Toe dress shoes. The coefficient of friction between their leather sole and polished metal cap is small. 
 
 Second, the distance from the top of the polished metal cap of the pole to the ground was approximately six inches greater than the distance from the bottom of my Johnston and Murphy Conard Cap Toe dress shoes to my crotch. 
 
 Once again, I wish I could look away. But I can ’ t. I just watch. I watch the rise, and the fall. I watch the impact, and the crumple. I watch the entry to the fetal position, and the laughter as Suzie and her friends run off. I watch as the vice principal comes over to ask if I am ok, and as she runs off to call the ambulance. I take it all in. 
 
 It is terrible. 
 
 Now, some of you might be thinking “ What a terrible fucking guardian angel! Why did you let yourself put on your Johnston and Murphy Conard Cap Toe dress shoes that morning? Why not some nice, rubber bottomed sneakers? Maybe some nice Puma Suede Classic sneakers? And why do you keep using the full name of the Johnston and Murphy Conard Cap Toe dress shoes? ” 
 
 Allow me to address these two points. 
 
 First, I said I learned two important lessons that day. But I lied. I learned three. The third was that I shouldn ’ t *try* to impress women. I should be myself, and end up with the women that appreciate who I am. 
 
 This was a good lesson to learn. It led to me meeting my wife, who is awesome. Also, it insured that I didn ’ t end up with Suzie, the raging meth addict. 
 
 So all in all, a good lesson. Well worth one solid crushing of the junk, in retrospect. 
 
 As for the second question: “ Why do I keep using the full name of the Johnston and Murphy Conard Cap Toe dress shoes? ” Really it is quite simple. They are great shoes. 
 
 Seriously. You should check them out. 

