If World War Two was a bar fight ...

`` Hey! What are *you* looking at!?'' Germany slurred at Poland as he glared at him. `` I know what -hic- what you were thinking. Oh, Germany started WWI, ne-ne-ne! Well, you know what?! You know what!? You know what!?'' 
 
 Poland said nothing for good long minute. ``... what?'' 
 
 `` You're not that smart! Ha!'' Before Poland could kindly tell Germany he had too much to drink, and before he could remind his other friends that Germany hand't been the same he lost his job, Germany threw a blitzkrieg of a punch right across Poland's face. `` Ha! This table is mine now!'' 
 
 `` What the hell man?!'' England shouted in shock, but also stood up from his table. 
 
 `` Mine! Mine! Mine!'' Germany pushed ( what was ) Poland's table to his own, making one bigger table all for himself. Italy laughed, but that was all he did. He had drank so much wine that he sat limply at Germany's table, slurring an occasional Italian word every few seconds. 
 
 `` Do something!'' France yelled at England. 
 
 `` Me? You do something! He's your neighbor, is n't he?'' England pointed at the Frenchmen. 
 
 `` What do you want me to do-HEY!'' France shouted when he saw Germany rip the table out from under another group. Belgium, The Netherlands, Norway and Denmark, flabbergasted at Germany's aduacity, walked over to the bar... where they were forced to use stools or stand. 
 
 `` Haha! I own all the tables! I'm the greatest table collector... ever!'' Germany drank deep out of his boot, then laughed like he was king of the world. 
 
 `` Hehe... beine...'' Italy's head swayed back and forth limply. 
 
 France and England were men of honor. They were just about ready to build up the courage to consider saying something mean to the high-and-mighty Aryan, but both knew that even with their combined efforts they could n't get him to calm down. He had been working out a lot since he lost his job and his physical presence was enough to intimidate anyone. 
 
 `` Let's just leave him alone. Maybe he'll forget about us if we're real quite.'' England suggested and guided France to the bar. 
 
 `` Hey... France...'' Germany spoke up the second the two Anglo's found a new seat, ``... give me your stool. I want it.'' Before France could respond, Germany ripped the bar-stool from underneath him, causing his entire foundation to fall. 
 
 `` OW! I surrender!'' France screamed. 
 
 `` Okay, that's it! Germany, you're fucking drunk. Go home you tosser, and leave my mates alone!'' England put on his most ferocious face. A glower of anger and bravery... but Germany merely laughed. 
 
 Germany picked England up by his shirt and slammed into the nearest table like he was weightless. There was a massive explosion of noise heard throughout the world. England groaned mergerly, unable to mobilize. 
 
 `` Haha. Booombs away!'' Germany started dropping pretzels on England while holding him down. `` I'm gon na do this -hic- until you give up.'' 
 
 `` Where is the bouncer!!?'' England shouted through a mouth stuffed with salty snacks. 
 
 But then, when it all seemed like Germany would get his way, the bell over the doorway to the pub jingled. Everyone went quiet, including the heavily inebriated German. 
 
 America looked left ( at the collection poorly gathered tables ), then to the right ( at all the Europeans with no place to sit ), then sighed like a disapproving older brother. 
 
 `` What is going on *now*? Did n't I tell you to stop this shit *last* time it happened?'' 
 
 `` We were just having fun Yankee-doodle.'' Germany chuckled, then slapped England's face. 
 
 `` Mate, help me out!'' England begged as his cheek swelled up red. 
 
 `` No!'' America grumbled. `` No, okay! I did this already! I fucking did it already! I gave you that League of Nations thing, it's been a long, *depressing* week and I just got permission from my wife to drink again! I'm not doing this! For god sakes Europe, figure this out yourselves for once.'' 
 
 With that, America, stamping his feet heavily on the old wooden floor, sat at the nearest open stool and ordered a strong whiskey. 
 
 `` Haha! I'm gon na win!'' Germany smiled drunkenly and proceeded to humiliate England. America, deep down underneath that John Wayne exterior, wanted to help his old friend... but getting into another fight unprovoked would surely ruin his marriage, especially after all of the internal fighting going on at home the past few years.'Besides, England never said sorry for that Tea Party thing', he thought as he drank, hoping to drown out the sounds of his buddy struggling. 
 
 `` Pssst... heeey. Hey! Japan! Come here!'' Germany whispered loudly to Japan. 
 
 `` What? I'm trying to score with China.'' Japan's cheeks were rosy, as was the Chinese girl forced to sit next to him due to lack of tables. 
 
 `` Japan, come on. Come on. She's drunk. That's rape. But I got sssumthing important to say. Come here.'' Germany gestured to Japan, who sighed back. He grabbed his flask of sake and came over. `` America says you ca n't get anymore sake. He's blocking the path to the bartender. I'm only telling you that because you are my friend.'' 
 
 `` What?! That is... oh, that jerk!'' Sake is strong stuff, strong enough to make even a man like Japan lose his composure. With a burning red face, he marched over to the bar stool where America was sitting as quietly as he could. 
 
 Silently, guilt was getting the better of America, who thought carefully of how best to get his buddy England out of this mess, but without getting into a fight with Germany. He thought he could **-smash-** 
 
 `` AHHH! JESUS!'' America screamed. Even though Japan was the one who broke the beer bottle over his head, American's roar caused Japan to flinched. `` Who the fuck-YOU! I'm gon na wreck your shit tiny!'' 
 
 America lunged after Japan, who proceeded to... run. He ran behind Germany. Germany looked around in a daze, not sure what was happening, but an abrupt fist slamming into his nose made him realize the situation. He staggered back as an infuriated America charged him. England helped himself up and, just as Germany was ready to fight back, England kicked him between his legs. Germany hollered in pain but it merely slowed him down. 
 
 `` A little help France!'' England yelled at his noticeably scared ally. France ran behind Germany and got on all fours. When Germany stood up, England shoved him and he tripped over France's backside. `` Good, now hit him!'' England and France jumped on Germany and started wailing on him like a children getting vengeance for a playground bully. 
 
 `` I'm going to kill you two!'' Germany kicked both off him and got on his two feet. 
 
 `` Hey Commander, catch!'' Russia, from seemingly out of nowhere, tossed England a bottle of vodka. Empty, of course. England caught it and, without thinking, smashed it across Germany's face. It did not break but it did knock the giant down. 
 
 `` HA! YEAH!'' England cheered for himself. `` That's what you get! And that mustache is stupid!'' As England cheered, France turned to Russian and nodded. Russia nodded back before fading away into the shadows. He knew he would get very little credit for helping out, but he was used to that. 
 
 `` Move it! Out of my way!'' American pushed Germany to the side and bolted after Japan, screaming like a mad man. Japan was reasonably freaked out by the incredibly aggressive retaliation, and kept running around the bar tables like they were little islands. `` Hold still you little rat bastard and let me kick your ass!'' 
 
 `` You got ta calm down dude!'' Japan begged. `` This is overkill!'' 
 
 `` I'll show you overkill!!!'' America picked up a stool and threw it at Japan. Another massive explosion thundered over the bar. Everyone heard it. Japan fell to the ground with a thud that shook the floor. `` And here comes a second one! Cause why the hell not, huh?!'' America grabbed a second stool repeated the action. **BOOM**, louder than any punch or broken bottle ever could sound. 
 
 `` Yo, America! Calm down! It's over man, stop throwing unnecessarily damaging... things. The little guy clearly lost!'' England pleaded. America stood over the passed out body, panting, fuming out of his ears still. 
 
 `` Yeah..I guess he's had enough.'' He walked over to England and France, cracking his neck in a very manly fashion. `` I just want you two to remember that *I* saved your asses.'' 
 
 `` Hey, hey, you helped.'' England paused, `` Okay, you helped a lot. But we stood up to him first.'' 
 
 `` Yeah. Fine. But I'm still taking credit for it.'' America pulled out a cigarette from his pocket. 
 
 `` Whatever. Where did you learn stool throwing thing?'' 
 
 `` Some Jewish dude taught it to me. Do n't tell Russia. Lord knows he'll use it if he figures it out.'' America inhaled deeply as he light his cigarette. `` Man, I needed this.'' He looked at Japan, who had not moved since being hit. `` I'll get that guy home. You can handle Germany right?'' 
 
 `` He lives next door. It'll be okay.'' France said. `` I'll say this though, after tonight... I am *not* trusting Germany for a long time.'' 
 
 `` I hear that. But do n't be *too* mean to him this time. We do n't want it happening again.'' America picked Japan up and threw him over his shoulder. `` I got ta give the little guy props. It's been a long time since someone stood up to me like that. He's probably pretty cool underneath it all.'' 
 
 `` You ca n't possibly be considering being friends with him.'' 
 
 `` Why not? I stayed friends with you, did n't I?'' American winked and, careful not to drop the Japanese drunk, walked out of the old bar. 
 
 England and France looked at Germany, then their European friends, then each other. `` I really, really wish there was another bar in town.'' 
 
 -- - 
 Next time: America and Russia schedule a BBQ on the same day and demand their neighbors pick sides in... The Cold War.
