[ WP ] You are a renowned pirate who has decided to retire . After years of burying treasure all over the world , you decide it 's time to retrieve your bounty . There 's only one problem . Your mom stole the maps and wo n't give them back

“ Hey Mom. It's me, Dread Pirate Ro- 
 
 “ *Why do n't you use your birth name anymore? I gave it to you, you might as well be kind enough to use it. * ” 
 
 “ Mom, my profession- ” 
 
 “ *I do n't care about your hobby, Bill is a lovely name and you should be proud to have it. Your father wanted to call you Millbert but I shook him out of it. * ” 
 
 “ Mom, I mean, Dread Pirate Bill does n't sound very threatening - ” 
 
 “ *What have I told you about threatening people! I will not let my lovely boy become some no-good rapscallion thug who threatens people for money! * ” 
 
 “ I'm a Pirate Mom, It's what we do - ” 
 
 “ *Would you cut it out with that stupid pirate nonsense!? Why ca n't you be more like your brother? He has a good solid job at the grocery store and has a nice girlfriend, and they're going to give me grandchildren. Instead you just gallivant about on your ridiculous boat all day! The word you're looking for is Lazy Beggar! * ” 
 
 “ Look, Mom, I need those maps - ” 
 
 “ *Oh, those old things? I'm sure those are around here somewhere, I might have thrown them away. * ” 
 
 “ Thrown them away?! Mom, those are treasure maps! Why would you throw away my treasure maps- ” 
 
 “ *Well maybe if someone called more often to check on their poor ailing mother instead of lazing about on a glorified piece of driftwood, then I'd have known not to throw them out! * ” 
 
 “ I... Mom, you - ” 
 
 “ *Oh, and just so you know, your cousin Thomas is getting married and I want you back in town by the end of the month for the wedding. Make sure you bring an actual suit this time, and for gods sake, drop the eye-patch and peg-leg. It makes you look like more of an idiot than you actually are. I will not have a repeat of your grandfather's funeral, they're still trying to get that hook-hand of yours out of the table. And be sure you call your father at some point, he wants to know how you're doing, and while you're at it call your brother as well. You have a family, you might as well talk to them once in a while. * ” 
 
 **-Click-**
