[ PI ] The Gunpowder Age , or The Years of the Warring States - FirstChapter - 2911 Words

The Gunpowder Age, or The Years of the Warring States by /u/LovableCoward 
 
 + The setting has promise with the Lovecraft connections. 
 + Prose is kind of meandering and heavy on unnecessary detail for me, but I get that's the style. It still works for what it's trying to do and the grammar issues are n't distracting. 
 
 - The second paragraph is a real big speed bump after a relatively innocuous opening line. I think it could be redistributed as it does n't add much where it is. 
 - The viewpoint characters feel meaningless. The boy does absolutely nothing and does n't even reveal his own thoughts on what's going on. The servant girl is only slightly better. 
 - The elves do n't do or show anything to make themselves​ distinct from humans. 
 - it's not at all clear why they're going to Innsmouth at all. Everyone seems to hate the place on principal, the elves do n't control it as they're camped outside and call it a human settlement, yet they have the princess land there after some important diplomatic mission? Hell, the elf character hints that none of them even go that far to the coast, so why land there at all? 
 
 -'Expensive' works better than'costly,' I think, in the context of the Stranger's​ wares. You would n't call them gifts, either, if you have to pay. Or they are the payment.
