[ WP ] An old man finds a genie . Instead of 3 wishes , the genie offers to place knowledge of any subject the man chooses into the minds of every living person on the planet . After much thought , the man chooses `` The truth about God . ''

It was a strange thing, the lamp inside my grandfather's vault. After he died he left the contents to me, provided I could get the damn thing open. I was an avid redditor in my youth so the mystery of what the safe contained had kept me awake many a night. I had so much time to think about what was in there, what would possibly be worth locking away from the world. Perhaps my grandfather thought it was too precious to be shared, or too dangerous to let fall into the wrong hands, maybe he did n't even know. All I know is that the old man died and did n't put the combination in his will, because there was no combination. Before me sat a metal box, covered in strange symbols, wiped clean of the age old dust that had settled in the grooves by years of me tracing them with my fingers, now wrinkled with age. All I wanted was to get into this steel box before I met the same fate as my grandfather. 
 
 I've had this safe all my adult life, and after one of my many sleepless nights the frustration of my efforts failing grew to be too much. I simply threw the puzzle box off the roof of my house. I'm not sure what it was but as soon as the box left my hands I felt such a strong sense of longing I almost jumped over in pursuit of the metal cube tumbling down to earth. Boy, am I glad I did n't. 
 
 The box disappeared out of the air and was suddenly right next to me, on the edge of my roof. The symbols that covered the box were glowing, the whole contraption emitting a low *whrrr*. One of the sides opened up and seconds later there was a man before me. I was so perplexed. When a bald man wearing a fez appears before you, most people would assume it was due to a little magic lamp rubbing, followed by a puff of smoke and three wishes. This was not the case. The puzzle box opened up and a full sized man stepped out of a container no larger than a shoe box. If there was a class on how to fit a dozen circus clowns in a tiny car, this guy would be the professor. 
 
 `` **Damn I'm glad to be out of there**.'' He said, arms raised above his head as he stretched. `` **I thought no one would be able to get me out of there. What did you feel? **'' 
 
 My mind was racing a mile a minute, I had so many questions for this apparition. *Had he met my grandfather? Would my wishes backfire? What did the symbols say? * But all I managed to ~~say~~ stutter was `` W-w-wat?'' 
 
 `` **The safe can only be opened in the presence of extreme emotion, so I'll ask again, as this whole series of events must be very exciting. What did you feel? **'' Asked the genie. 
 
 `` I... I was so frustrated...'' I began, but the genie interrupted. `` **YOU LIE**'' the genie boomed, his outburst was shortly followed by a clap of thunder, which was unexpected on this cloudless day. `` **Frustration is a simple emotion, felt by animals, children, nearly everyone trying to be sincere on the internet. It would not have opened my box. ** 
 
 `` Let me finish!'' I snapped. Trying to formulate sentences was hard enough without this fez wearing lunatic nearly ripping apart the heavens before I could get a word in. `` I was frustrated that I could n't open the box so I threw it off my roof. After doing so I felt so bad about it. My long departed grandfather left it to me and it's one of the last things I remember him by. I could n't bear losing it or it getting damaged, I almost jumped off myself to try and capture it, but before I could it was back up here with me.'' 
 
 `` **Now that makes more sense. Love and longing would certainly do the trick. Alright. Now you might have noticed I'm not your average genie. I bet you spent hours rubbing my box trying to make me come. ** The genie snickered. *Great. * I thought. *A genie with a passion for innuendo. * 
 
 `` Acutally, no,'' I replied. `` No one has seen a real genie in thousands of years. It's all just legend now. Many people would say they do n't exist.'' I felt bad as I said this, finding out you're the last of your kind was a story I'd read, a movie I'd seen too many times. 
 
 `` **Really? Cool! I was so sick of their rules anyways. Always with the'make the wishes backfire, never tell them you can give more than three' blah blah blah**'' He was taking the extinction of his species incredibly well. 
 
 `` **I've had a lot of time to think, and I would be lying if I told you that I had n't though about what I would do if I could break their rules, so I'll tell you what, I'm not going to grant you three wishes. ** 
 
 My heart sank. If someone told me yesterday that I would n't be getting any wishes I would have thought they were crazy, but after seeing a man magically appear... well I'd also be lying if I said the thought had n't crossed my mind. 
 
 **I'll do you something new though. Something that has never been promised to anyone before, and will likely never happen again. Oh how I love being original. Are you ready? Ok. Any subject matter. Aaaaany topic at all. I will place all the knowledge pertaining to that subject into the mind of every living person on the planet. Boom. What do you think of that? ** 
 
 `` Um. Could I get some examples? It's kind of hard to wrap my mind around this big game changer you dumped in my lap'' I replied. It came out a little snarkier than I intended, but I do n't think the genie noticed. 
 
 `` **Want everyone to know all of physics? Badabing Badaboom, you'll have the guy bagging your groceries calculating the velocity at which your produce is headed towards him. Ya know. Stuff like that**'' 
 
 A strange thought crossed my mind. `` Wait. If you have been trapped in that box for thousands of years how do you know all these culture references? The internet, bag boys, sexual innuendos. Whats the deal?'' This was hardly the most pressing matter at hand, but I needed to know before I went and got a supernatural being to plant knowledge in everyone's head. Plus his answer would give me a little more time to think. 
 
 `` **I'm the genie of the box, not the genie, of the lamp. I get cable in there. `` ** `` Oh'' I said. I did n't think it would be that simple. 
 
 `` **So what knowledge shall it be? I have to do this and get back to my box. The Bachelor will be on soon. **'' 
 
 `` God.. I do n't know,'' I was racking my brain trying to think of the most beneficial knowledge for all of humanity. How to irrigate and grow food? Survival strategies? There were too many choices. 
 
 `` **You do n't know God? Then God it is! Your entire species will now be touched by His noodly appendage**'' 
 
 `` Wait w-,'' but before I could finish my exclamation the genie had already cannonballed back into his box as if he were jumping into a swimming pool, breaking all the laws of physics and the conservation of mass as he did. 
 
 Perhaps the miscommunication was for the best. Around the globe there was a dogmatic rejection of dogma, and every Friday was a holiday.
