[ RF ] `` I never wanted you to leave . ''

Pain is a physical reminder that you are human; it makes you feel something when you no longer thought possible. But I do n't want to be human. 
 
 I was at my favorite café downtown on a Thursday morning- a pretty busy Thursday morning- waiting for my regular cup of medium blend with 2 % milk, the only way I ever drink it. I always found that a routine was comforting, there was less chance of disappointment. I know what I like, and I stick with it. Plus, having a routine in public specifically makes me feel like I belong, in a weird way. That's why I frequented the coffee shop, sat in the same corner table that gave me a wide view of the café, ordered the same drink, and read my book in peace. But not the same book, my library changed once a week. 
 
 Amy brought my cup out to me with a smile. I took a sip after she went back behind the counter and I opened my book. It was a dark roast. Black, no milk. It was n't even hot. I did n't want to make a thing out of it, especially to Amy, but I could n't drink it. I stood out of my chair to make my way to the counter when I saw her. 
 
 Seeing her again made my chest heavy, made me feel weighted down. She was sipping an almost-empty espresso at a lone table near the wall, her purse hanging down from her chair, two other cups on the table facing her, but no one else accompanying her. I realized I was staring, so I rushed to the counter to reorder my drink. My order did n't matter anymore, I could n't even stomach my coffee now. I looked behind my shoulder to see her again, and she was looking right at me. She still looked good after all this time. How did I look? Probably like a mess. 
 
 I knew we had to speak, how could we not? Were we to pretend that we never shared a life together? Was I to forget that she was once my fianceé? Now her beauty flooded me with pain that I had blocked for so long, adding feelings to my numbed heart that I had forgot existed. 
 
 I made my way to her, standing in silence for a minute of eternity. The men's restroom door opened in the hallway behind her, a tall man and what seemed to be his son exiting. The little boy had a familiar smile that was once a vital part of my life. 
 
 `` Ready, honey?'' the taller man asked, placing a hand on my ex fianceé's shoulder, a wedding ring visible. She continued to look in my eyes. The little boy looked up at me quizzically. 
 
 I did n't have a lump in my throat. I had a fucking bowling ball. 
 
 `` Wait for me out in the car, I'll be out in a second.'' She handed the man the keys, giving him a look which he seemed to understand. 
 
 They left us, me standing there looking like a child, while she was still sitting. 
 
 `` He's beautiful,'' I said in a shaky voice, noticing a tear form in her eye. `` He's got your smile.'' 
 
 `` I know.'' She wiped a tear away, a familiar smile trembling on her face. 
 
 Experiencing this moment of shared emotions made me think of our previous life together, and what could have been, before I found out I had cancer. It was n't until this moment that I finally admitted to myself that I was the one who was afraid. I was the one who backed out. I was the one afraid of losing, I was the one afraid that I would n't be loved anymore, which made me resent her, all while still loving her to death. I was the one who pushed *her* away. 
 
 What she said to me before she departed the café back to her family, before I embraced her in my arms one last time, was a sentiment that I knew was true all along, but I had convinced myself otherwise. 
 
 `` I never wanted you to leave.'' 

