[ WP ] `` Hey , tell them about that one time you convinced the four horsemen they were being replaced . ''

`` Oh god, that was so long ago I'm not even sure I remember it.'' 
 
 *You had just escaped the Jotnar, if I recall, after you impregnated the giant king's daughter. * 
 
 `` That's right! I was a rogue passing through Jotunheimr on my way to find the divine sphere, she was a lusty and rebellious giantess...'' 
 
 *You've told us this already. `` Like swimming in a lake of poon''. As charming of a story as that is, you were telling us of the four horsemen? * 
 
 `` Sorry, me and my tangents. Now like I said, I was looking for the Absolute, and I had to get to the Divine Plane in order to find it. I paid a parlor necromancer for a spell that would quietly put me into that pretentious realm.'' 
 
 *Wait, how did you keep the righteous demons from noticing you? * 
 
 `` I did n't even know about them at the time. It really was sheer luck that I popped into the First Seal instead of the sixth plane. It took a second, but once I saw those four sickly horses grazing on ash by the enormous, pillared entrance to a cave that resembles a black hole, I had a pretty good idea where I was.'' 
 
 *So what power possessed you to go in there, if you knew it was them? * 
 
 `` It was n't my choice. I was about to try a quick spell reversal but they pulled me into their audience in their throne room. More of a cavern than a room really. Regardless, I found myself face to face with the four bringers of destruction.'' 
 
 *Did you cry? I bet you cried. I've heard that Poseidon cried when he met them. That's where the Atlantic ocean came from. * 
 
 `` No, I did n't cry. I did what any person should do when caught. I acted like I had authority.'' 
 
 *How the hell do you try and prove authority over something like Death!? * 
 
 `` It's actually a lot easier than you think. Those four ca n't leave their thrones until the seal is broken, and it's not like the creators thought to give them a satellite dish before tossing them into that existence. Those are four of the stupidest beings ever to be cursed with immortality. 
 
 Now, Conquest was the first to speak...'' 
 
 *There is n't a horseman named Conquest. * 
 
 `` Back then he was. Apparently he went through a big identity crisis because people kept confusing him for War. I think he's known as Pestilence now? Either way, irrelevant. Now Conquest looks at me and says, 
 `` Why should n't I feed you to my locusts!?'' and Death speaks up and says, 
 `` Why should n't I feed you to my scythe!?'' and Famine shouts 
 `` Why should n't I split you upon my Scales!?'' and War whispered, 
 `` Why should n't I split you upon my sword?'' 
 
 I got ta tell ya, I thought for sure that was it. I thought, if I'm going out then damn it all I'm doing it with a stern glance and a stiff upper lip.'' 
 
 *So what did they do? * 
 
 `` I looked them right in the eye and said, 
 
 `` Sorry boys, apocalypse has been cancelled. I'm here to take inventory so the boss in the Shining Chair knows what to remove.'' `` 
 
 *And they just took you for your word? What kind of morons do you think we are? * 
 
 `` Not at first, no. I told an incredibly clever tale about how a frustrated Lucifer closed Hell and fucked off. Then I went about pretending to take stock of what was in their cave, mumbling things that sounded like heavenly bureaucracy. At first they protested a bit, but after they digested the notion I'd go so far as to say they seemed glad. I left out the front, telling them they'd be free to leave their chairs any moment now.'' 
 
 *Wait, wait, wait... how did you get out of there if you could n't reverse your transport spell? * 
 
 `` I had four mythological stallions hanging about. So I took the red one. Those guys are gon na be pissed when their day comes and someone has to double up.'' 

