[ WP ] You achieve enlightenment and manage to speak to God , and you ask Him what is the meaning of all human life . As it turns out , it 's not to achieve happiness , progress as a civilization , or anything of the sort , but to kill every single snake on Earth .

The light was blinding, much like the Komodo 3000 in that Malcolm in the Middle episode, Dude at Ranch. 
 
 But there was so much I wanted to know. So many questions remained unanswered, and I knew He would know. I tightened my focus and began my inquisition. 
 
 `` Lord, I ask you to bestow upon me the might of your knowledge. For I have toiled endlessly in order to achieve enlightenment. My only desire is to understand the inner workings of your mind, and gain the answer to every question I have been incapable of solving myself.'' 
 
 The light flickered for a moment, and then a voice spoke. It was almost monotonous. Not Ben Stein monotonous, but surely not as grandiose and bellowing as mankind has envisioned for centuries. 
 
 `` Matthew, I applaud your endurance in your quest to achieve your enlightenment. For that reason, I will grant you your desire to understand me, my decisions, and the way of the world. Please, what is your first question?'' 
 
 I choked on my saliva as I tried to clear my throat. 
 
 `` Lord, I'm sure you could predict my first question, so I will not beat around the bush. What **is** the meaning of life?'' 
 
 He chuckled a little, almost as if he was foreshadowing that a humorous story was going to be the explanation. 
 
 `` Okay, Matt, if you wo n't beat around the bush, neither will I. It's quite a funny story.'' 
 
 `` Ahem.'' 
 
 `` So this was a few thousand years ago. I had descended for a weekend away from the Sacred Gentleman's Club, since Horus and Neptune were being all pompous about their recent success on the golf course in the years prior. I needed some time to focus myself before the annual tournament. Simple stuff, really.'' 
 
 I felt myself frown in my subconscious. *He ca n't be serious with this*, I thought. 
 
 `` Anyway, so I found myself in the Middle East, taking a stroll through a market in Egypt. Those Egyptians have always been so resourceful. I mean, shit, they built those pyramids without any technology whatsoever! Who does that, right?'' 
 
 He paused. 
 
 `` Sorry. So I'm looking at this one booth, the merchant is selling some jewelry and trinkets and whatnot, and in the adjacent booth, this musician starts playing his horn, making a snake dance out of a wicker basket. That's a real thing that happened, no kidding. So I walk over, and decide to have a watch. It's really exciting stuff, seeing those cobras shake it like that. But then, the guy strikes a sour note, and the snake just loses it. He's throwing a fit in this basket, trying to get out, and then all of a sudden, it flies out and chomps down on my forearm. Here.'' 
 
 He rolls up his left sleeve, and reveals a couple of bite scars on his arm. 
 
 `` Okay, I know you ca n't see them *that* well, because the healing powers, but they are still there.'' 
 
 He returns his sleeve to its original position, and carries on. 
 
 `` So I grab a few drinks from this other merchant, high quality stuff, and return to the Club later in the week. So we're all sitting around, drunk off of our asses, and I tell the guys the story. Eventually, we get to this discussion about how useless snakes *actually* are. They have no arms, no legs, their brains are tiny, and all they do is eat and poison stuff. We established that we could n't just wipe them out, because the humans would notice that. You folk are so perceptive, I did too well on all that.'' 
 
 He laughs again. It was n't *that* funny. 
 
 `` So Zeus leans over, and whispers in my ear. *'' Hey, why do n't you just impose some sort of end-game goal for these people to try to figure out? I mean, they're always praying to you for help, so how about you get them off your ass by giving them this chore. Just a measly bit of Godly influence to quell their whining? `` * And my face just lights up like *'' Holy shit, Zeus, that's the best! I will definitely do that. `` *'' 
 
 At this point, he's just pissing himself laughing. God eventually pulls himself together and finishes up. 
 
 `` And that's that. The meaning of life is to rid the world of snakes. You've done well to achieve enlightenment and whatnot, but yeah... Grab a shovel and get whackin'. Are there any other questions you would like me to answer, Matthew?'' 
 
 I cringe, and muster up every syllable I could. 
 
 `` No, thank you.'' 
 
 ***** 
 
 Best I could come up with. God is a bro, I guess. Also, my name is n't actually Matthew, but it qualifies as a biblical name, so I worked it in.
