[ WP ] MRPS ( Multi Realm Parcel Service ) has mixed up an order between heaven and hell .

*'' Thank you for calling MRPS. For general information about sending or receiving a package, think one. For package tracking, think two. For recovering a lost package, think three. For'' * 
 
 Three. 
 
 *'' Thank you for selecting three. If you are in heaven, think happy thoughts. If you are in hell, think depressing thoughts. `` * 
 
 The only being I've had a decent conversation with in the past week is my assigned torturer on even numbered Tuesdays. 
 
 *'' You are in hell. We will connect you with a customer service representative in our hell division as soon as possible. `` * 
 
 **Dead way before death strikes you. In hell way before the flames eat you. Stripped from joy, stripped from life, Embraced by nothing... only death! ** 
 
 It's a shame that holding music never involves the hardcore Satanic Death Metal. 
 
 **What pleasures life may grant you, It will be robbed from you. 
 What misery life brings you, It will always stay with you. ** 
 
 Blah, blah, blah. 
 
 *Thank you for holding. We will connect you with a customer service representative as soon as possible. * 
 
 Fuck it, I ca n't wait all- day or night, ca n't tell and it does n't really matter which. Now let's see what's left in the kitchen. Got some rusty nails covered in a ghost pepper reduction. Decidedly unpleasant. Hmm, still have a little of the Hellfire Pie. Tastes a little better, but bad on the back end. Guess I already ate the least painful of my rations. The nails are worse, but then I'll just have to eat the pie later anyways. Should I just get it over with now? Probably. 
 
 Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. 
 
 You can really feel the horrible burning sensation ripping up your tastebuds, only for them to magically rebuild with enhanced pain sensors and a more Caucasian tolerance for spiciness. 
 
 Crunch. Crunch. 
 
 Especially spiky today. I think one might have poked my brain. 
 
 Crunch. Cru- 
 
 *'' Hello, this is Sadie at MRPS. What seems to be the problem? `` * 
 
 nch. 
 
 `` Hi Sadie, I had a package mix up and ended up with a parcel intended for a resident of heaven.'' 
 
 *'' Well that's quite the mix up. Who was your package intended for? `` * 
 
 `` A Jonathan Blakely of 649 Inner Peace Drive, Perfectville, Utopia. Mansion # 2.'' 
 
 *'' Ok, and do you know what's in the package? `` * 
 
 `` Yeah, opened it by mistake. There seems to be a package from the Heaven-to-Earth charity, a receipt for a donation to the Grant-A-Wish foundation, two mantras about peaceful living, a guide to cooking food not containing any living things, and a book called `` How To Be The Most Deserving Of Heaven: 20 Steps That Will Make You The Perfect Being In Existence'' by Siddharta Gautama, Jesus of Nazareth, and Mother Theresa.'' 
 
 *'' Half of those things are on the restricted list here in hell, as you surely know. Possessing that book is a Class A crime. `` * 
 
 `` Well Sadie, that's why I want you to come pick this up as soon as possible.'' 
 
 *'' I'm afraid I ca n't do that. You see um, I did n't actually catch your name. `` * 
 
 `` It's Mengele. Josef Mengele.'' 
 
 *'' Mr. Mengele, I happen to be a succubus, as are many of my co-employees here at the hell branch. We quite enjoy the pain of others. So we're a little lax on company policy in these types of situations. `` * 
 
 `` You do n't understand! I need you to pick up this package!'' 
 
 *'' No Mr. Mengele, you do n't understand. There will be no pickup. You will be found in possession of heavenly items, and will be subjected to punishment. Since you have a heavenly bestseller, they will not be pleasant. We here at MRPS are looking forward to your screams of agony. As soon as you provide us with those, we will be sure to get the package situation properly sorted out. Thank you for calling MRPS, and be sure to use us for any inter-realm transfers. Have a painful torture. Bye! `` * 
 
 Fuck. 

