[ WP ] Convince me that your significant other 's pet is plotting your demise .

I told her a million times it was a bad idea. I did n't like animals in the first place, and I had been around them all my life. They're dirty, stupid and do n't ever listen to me. Dogs, cats, gerbils, hamsters and fish. I had pretty much run the gambit on things I do n't want living in my house. It only took a week or two of her whining about never having the experience that I caved, though. When it comes down to it, a few years of having an animal could n't be that bad. And it would n't be my responsibility at all... I was n't feeding it, picking up after it or cleaning its shit up. When she finally brought the damn thing home, though, I realized I had made a horrible mistake. 
 
 I could tell as soon as it walked through the door that it did n't like me. All I got was a little dismissive grunt as it crept between my legs, rushing forward to make a big mess out of our pristine house. I even made an effort to be involved in its training so it would listen to me a little. No luck there, though. It only took about six weeks for the monster to learn how to open up the fridge and eat my grapes. All this terrible health food sitting on the shelf and it has to go for my food every damn time. I actually had to give up on them because the nightmare was diligent enough to tear up the fridge to get at them. 
 
 Needless to say, I was n't a big fan of her pet. She even named the stupid thing Cornelius and would get upset when I called him Corny. Little Cornelius pretty much owned the house now, and as he started to get older I realized little things in the house beginning to change. Cornelius developed a bit of a mean streak when she finally tried to stop him from raiding our fridge, grunting all over and acting like he was going to charge her. I prayed for the day he'd actually try something so I could get him the hell out of this house. But he never did... Corny was the smartest little son of a bitch I've ever met. 
 
 It was n't until about three months ago that I realized he was acting strangely. He'd ram the table a little bit when I had a drink on there, knocking it all over and making a big mess for me to clean up. Once I left the room and he had the nerve to do it again... I came back just in time to slip and fall on my ass. I was so angry I could have killed the little prick, but he was an angel to my girlfriend. I just had to sit there and watch while he walked away all proud of himself, grunting his animal insults back to me. Since then he's been knocking over the bathroom trash can too, using his fat nose to make a huge mess out of everything. It only seems to happen right after I've shaved, too, so there is always a razor blade or two waiting for me. Besides that, he times it just right so whenever I get all dressed up for work he charges in to brush by me and get my pants all dirty. 
 
 I know it sounds ridiculous, but I honestly think Corny is a lot more intelligent than he's letting on. It's like the prick is planning all these things... he knows my girlfriend wo n't believe me if I tell her that I'm being sabotaged by her cute little friend. Every time I catch him in the act she's nowhere to be found, so I can never get the evidence I need to get him the hell out of here. Sometimes it seems like she'd choose him over me, to be honest, but there's no way that's going to happen. 
 
 Anyway, I need to go now. I think I hear him rooting around in the garbage again, and if he makes one more mess we're going to have some fresh bacon tonight. 
 
 

