[ CC ] Sökaren

This is a long post, not intended as trolling or flaming. Just tossing out comments as they came to me while I read your story. I hope they are helpful. 
 
 >'' Well, at least for once'umankind is actually united'nd not tearin' each other's throats apart over damned land and made-up deities,'' geologist Talbern Sheffern quipped condescendingly, 
 
 I have a few problems with this opening line. First, you tell me that Talbern's a geologist, rather than showing me details and letting me figure it out on my own. Second, the sentence that he says is a bit long to be considered a `` quip'' ( in my opinion ), and I also have a hard time reading the sentence in a way that sounds condescending. It is also difficult to connect with him saying it in a condescending manner because I do n't know what he's responding to. 
 
 Condescension is difficult to evoke without context, and you've dropped me into the scene with no context for this sentence. I do n't mind getting dropped into the middle of conversations, but only when I get the sense that the conversation is taking me somewhere. This first line is a bit confusing, and when I finally reach the next line of dialogue, my confusion is left unresolved. 
 
 In general, you have a lot of unnecessary details that I found a bit overwhelming. Too much data to process. For example: 
 
 > Velcro locks 
 
 Why do I need to know that they are Velcro? 
 
 > Awkwardly bending down, he did the same with his ankle straps, ensuring the outer-most layer of his suit stayed in place. 
 
 Why do I need to know this? The ankle straps and his suit do not play any further role in the rest of the story. 
 
 > His hands pulled back his lengthy hair, which he had not cut for the duration of the trip. It was beginning to form together in places, creating a bird's nest of small dreadlocks. 
 
 Why do I need to know about his hair? Is this detail supposed to show that he has n't been able to clean his hair for months or is it supposed to show that he's a `` dreadlocks'' kind of guy? 
 
 > Once they were sloppily tied away from his face, the helmet went on, the protective visor blocking out his face. 
 
 Why do I need to know that his locks are `` sloppily'' tied away from his face? 
 
 You can condense your first paragraph to something like 
 
 > Well, at least for once'umankind is actually united'nd not tearin' each other's throats apart over damned land and made-up deities,'' Talbern Sheffern grumbled as he tugged at the wrist and ankle locks of his spacesuit. His uncut hair was beginning to form dreadlocks in places, and he wrestled it into place as he pulled on his helmet. 
 
 > She was suiting up with the rest of the main crew- herself, Talbern, Captain Devlin Masters, Researcher Alva Bloss, Biologist Kimberly Humphries, Engineers Jeb Morrowthons and Halij Boukhebya, and Special Agents Daniel Rhodeman, Malik Sayaad, and Annaton Burlykinsini. 
 
 Way too many names for me, that's ten people that you've just introduced me to. I am totally not going to remember any of these people, which means that your protagonist ( Talbern ) and antagonist ( Masters ) get lost in the shuffle a bit. Also, I do n't like that you tell me their job titles, rather than showing me. You could, for example, have the engineers preparing the engineering tools that they will be taking with them, while the special agents are loading weapons, and the biologist is… watering a plant? I dunno, but you get my point. 
 
 > They were the cream of the crop in what they had done back on Earth- what they headed into now was something never before done. 
 
 You're telling me something straight, instead of letting me figure it out from the characters' interaction. Instead of telling me that they are the best, imagine how `` the best'' people interact with each other - are they arrogant? Professional? Assertive but respective? You can use dialogue and interpersonal relationships to demonstrate that these people are all well-respected in their fields. 
 
 >'' Enough bickering, get your helmets on and let's get this show on the road. We've been waiting to get here for a solid two and a half years now, and I do n't intend on staying on any longer than I have to.'' 
 
 Too inconsistent to be believable. This crew of highly trained experts has waited for 2.5 years, and now the leader is in a hurry to get the job done and get out of there? I do n't find this to be believable. 
 
 > He was a Nordic Russian, body builder and former KGB agent, serving for them near the end of their existence. 
 
 Nordic Russian, body builder - those are helpful details because I can build a nice image of this guy in my head. A little stereotyped but that's not a big deal at all. Telling me that he is former KGB, and telling me when he served, however, does n't give me any details to flesh out my image of him in my head, because `` former KGB'' and `` serving for them near the end of their existence'' are nonphysical concepts, so these two items become yet more data that I have to remember, next to all the first and last names, job titles, etc. 
 
 > Bringing about the KGB's extinction was the discovery of an alien dreadnought. Detected over five years ago, the KGB and every other nation's secret agency service were dissolved, and they all culminated together to form the UNSOT- the United Nation's Special Operations Team. Annaton, along with Rhodeman and Sayaad were chosen for this very extraordinary operation for their long record of smooth and steady performances. 
 
 Too much background explanation. None of these facts matter for the rest of the story. It is enough to know that there are three security-type people on the mission. 
 
 >'' He means go crawling back into your bunk if you have shaky nerves,'' explained Alva Bloss, a renowned Swedish researcher. 
 
 Why does it matter that Alva is Swedish? If it does n't matter, cut it out for now. And also, `` researcher'' is a bit of a bland title, it does n't really add any detail to her character. 
 
 >'' I think it's too late for that,'' Masters told the crew as the airlock opened. The attention of every member was now focused on the outside of the ship, and what floated before them. A craft unlike any human eyes had ever laid on before lay quietly on an infinite black canvas. The parts looked like metal but twisted in strange ways, resembling a crippled praying mantis. There was no life on board- scans from NASA and other space agencies had proven that time and time again. But at one point, there had been life on it. Not human life, but alien life. Living forms that stretched the expanse of the human imagination. 
 
 I liked this bit, mostly. I was totally with you in the description. 
 
 >'' Alright, here's how this happens,'' the Captain began after a silent moment of pure awe. `` We go in and touch nothing until we've looked every part of the ship up and down twice unless I say otherwise. Take photos, draw diagrams, but no samples, no messing with control panels, absolutely no touching. We do not want to send ourselves speeding off into hyperspace because we did n't know the difference between that and a light switch. Understood, people?'' 
 
 I liked this bit, too. It felt in-character for Masters, and it was totally believable for the context. 
 
 > The crew nodded solemnly in agreement, most still stunned that the craft everyone on Earth had heard about and talked about was now floating in front of their faces at the moment. 
 
 You do n't need to say that they nodded `` solemnly'' *and* that they were `` still stunned'' etc. It would be better to show me, rather than tell me, that the crew are stunned. Something as simple as 
 
 >'' I ca n't believe it's right there,'' whispered Alva. 
 > `` My god,'' said Kimberly, `` it's bigger than I imagined.'' 
 
 etc., etc. That's hackneyed crap but you get my point. 
 
 >'' Not tethered to anything out here is somewhat unnerving, would n't you say?'' Jeb Morrowthons said as they pro-pulsed themselves towards the abandoned spacecraft. He slowly shot himself forward, one pump of his maneuvering gears at a time. The Captain came flying beside him, fast and and spinning. 
 
 I had trouble reconciling `` pro-pulsed'', `` shot himself forward'', `` maneuvering gears'' and `` flying beside him, fast and spinning.'' I was n't clear on how they were moving, and this bit was distracting. 
 
 >'' Actually it's quite freeing, Jeb.'' Devlin Masters turned himself 
 
 At this point in the story, I know who Masters is, so you do n't need to repeat his full name. Same applies a few other places, like with 
 
 >'' What the fuck is wrong with you!? You killed a man!'' yelled Malik Sayaad, the other UNSOT agent beside Annaton 
 
 And also, you do n't need to tell me that Malik was the other security guy. You already told me that up top. If you do n't think that your readers will remember this detail, then perhaps ask yourself if the detail is necessary? After all, any member of the party could have said Malik's line here, and it would be just as believable. 
 
 > Up close, it glowed a dark green tint, 
 
 I had trouble picturing something that `` glows'' with a `` dark'' tint. 

