[ EU ] Not every 00-agent gets to lead a life of beautiful cars and fast women . Tell the story of an agent assigned one of the unglamorous 00 numbers .

“ 009? ” a rotund woman said with a breath of cigarette smoke. 
 
 “ Yes, that ’ s what you can call me, Latrina, ” a scruffy, lanky man with short, graying hair responded. 
 
 “ What do you want from me? ” the woman asked. 
 
 “ Well, ” 009 began and stuck his finger in the woman ’ s greasy, dark hair and twirled it, “ I need you to help me out. ” 
 
 “ With what? ” the women asked hesitantly. 
 
 “ I have one final assignment and I ’ ll be finished with my duty. ” 
 
 “ What duty? ” 
 
 “ My duty in The Armpit of America. ” 
 
 “ Florida? ” 
 
 “ Yes, Florida. I ’ ve been specifically assigned to Florida since I first became an agent and I am very much ready to be finished. ” 009 paused and looked at his reflection in the scuffed up mirror of the bathroom wall. 
 
 “ So, what do you want from me? ” the woman resumed. 
 
 “ Scumbaggington. I need you to tell me what you know about Scumbaggington. ” 
 
 “ I don ’ t know what you ’ re talking about- ” the woman defended before a pounding began on the bathroom door. 
 
 “ We don ’ t have much time, ” 009 insisted and put his hand on the woman ’ s oily, fat cheek. 
 
 “ I- I saw him last at Pat ’ s last night. ” 
 
 “ Pat ’ s? ” 
 
 “ The bar next to the Waffle House and Rick ’ s Liquor. He was blabbering about a big cigarette heist operation he ’ s starting Tuesday. He ’ s planning to seize all of the ships coming into Collier County. Something about the whole gang never having to buy cigarettes again and all the money they ’ re gon na save. ” 
 
 “ Scum! ” 009 exclaimed. “ If they offset the supply of cigarettes even the slightest bit, all of Florida will break into chaos. ” 
 
 The woman remained leaning against a dingy white sink puffing a cigarette. She eyed 009 closely through squinting eyes. Knocking started again on the door even more heavily this time and a woman yelled huskily, “ I got ta use it! What ’ s going on in there!? ” 
 
 009 gave the smoking woman a directional nod to the motorized shopping cart parked in front of the restroom door to restrict access. The woman waddled over and strenuously mounted the machine and backed it up. “ Would you mind? ” She asked 009. 
 
 “ My pleasure, ” he said before removing a paper towel from the dispenser on the wall next to a sign that read ‘ EMPLOYEES MUST WASH HANDS ’. He used the paper to shield his hand from surface of the handle of the door while he pulled it open for the woman to exit. She gracefully rolled out and another woman rolled in with the same grace on the same kind of machine. Finally, 009 made his exit out into the hustle and bustle of the Wal-Mart. 
 
 
 
 The noon sun was bright and 009 wore gaudy five dollar sunglasses to shield his eyes from it. 009 was driving to the place where he intended to confront the most dubious Scumbaggington. He knew just where he would be. Scumbaggington would be where all of the other hungover people of Collier County would be on a Thursday afternoon- Waffle House. 
 
 009 pulled into the cramped parking lot and worked his way into a parking space. He swung open the door of his white 1994 Honda Accord directly into the silver door of a 1997 Ford Taurus. He looked around to make sure no one saw his mistake before climbing out of the car and heading towards the entrance. 
 
 Near the entrance, he paused in the haze of people smoking to prepare for his confrontation. He slid his specs in the inside pocket of his windbreaker and noted the distasteful look the smokers gave him. *I am the only person who keeps his sunglasses in there* he thought to himself. *All these scumbags keep a flask or a pack of smokes in there. * 
 
 He pulled open the door and stepped into the Waffle House. He scanned the sea of hangovers until he spotted Scumbaggington ’ s chubby face and thinning, slicked back hair. He was sitting with two of his favorite scumbag lackeys. They locked eyes and 009 made his way over to Scumbaggington who sat near the window overlooking the parking lot. 
 
 “ You door dinged me, guy! I just watched you! ” Scumbaggington began with an annoyed look on his tired face. “ You come to apologize? ” 
 
 “ We exchanged a little paint, yeah, ” 009 admitted. “ A little paint should be least of your worries. Considering- ” 
 
 “ Considering what!? ” 
 
 009 turned to the rest of the restaurant, “ Considering, ” he began to announce, “ you ’ re scheming to disrupt the cigarette supply for all of Collier County! ” The restaurant went silent. The shoveling of food into mouths seized. All eyes were on 009. “ If cigarettes are available at all, prices can be expected to double if your operation is successful. ” 
 
 Men and women began sliding out of booths and backing their chairs away from tables. As they made their way to their feet, Scumbaggington began looking around helplessly before locking eyes with 009. 009 basked in the impending doom in Scumbaggington ’ s eyes for a moment before making his way to the exit. The people smoking outside brushed past him into the restaurant, cigarettes clenched tightly in their mouths. 
 
 As he made his way to his car, he could hear the cacophony of Scumbaggington and his lackeys being beaten to mush by the inhabitants of the restaurant. He pulled his sunglasses out from his “ flask ” pocket and slid them onto his face. When he opened the door of his car, which he had not bothered to lock since the fab stopped functioning six years ago, he made sure to really give the silver 1997 Ford Taurus parked next to him a good ding. 

