[ WP ] You are the office renegade . You 've been subtly enraging your co-workers for months and no one knows that it is you causing the trouble

`` Social Engineering''. Those words just slide off the tongue like butter do n't they. Here, say them with me, go ahead. Social Engineering. See? I just got you to say Social Engineering. Is n't it great? 
 
 I've always said that once you can fake sincerity you've got it made. Dress the part, get the right haircut, have a smile like a single, huge gleaming tooth, and just the right grip to the handshake and you become CEO just like that. Office ID? Hah, get a Discordian `` Official Pope'' card with a good picture, laminate that bad boy, and you're golden like an apple. 
 
 So I `` worked'' for Turnkey Synergy Inc. a year back or so. By worked, I mean I showed up like I was supposed to be there, picked a cubicle, and was good to go. I was really hired by Synergistic Proactive Associates to help them get a little edge on the competition. 
 
 The senior accountant of TSI was really uptight about her desk, see? Everything in place, in order, sorted, color coded, indexed, filed, alphabetic, paper clips no staples, etc, yadda, blah. Right. All I had to do was push a single pencil out of line by the merest fraction, or slightly lower the monitor. The best was turning her family photos upside down in their frames because she might not notice. Until I approached her desk as the perfect, chipper employee and pointed it out to her, of course. All in good cheer. Good heavens would she get red and cranky ( but not at me, never at me ). 
 
 Having flowers sent to happily married John from the HR assistant Toni was a nice touch. A few whispered words got Toni fired and I think John's living in a hotel now. Eh, his wife is mean anyway, he can do better. 
 
 Another great trick was puting USB thumb drives all over the parking lot. You should have seen IT running around that week. The payload was signed by the lead developer's private key. Man. Rotten luck. It took days for them to even discover the ssh connections to The Ukraine. 
 
 Of course I was n't above petty aggrivations. Hiding the toilet paper. Eating someone else's lunch and leaving the leftovers on the Intern's desk. Setting popcorn in the microwave to 20 minutes. An old ipod in the ceiling with a cheap speaker playing, over an over again, a high pitched squeal that was just barely audible to human hearing ( I had to grin and bear that one myself ). 
 
 I'd steal things from Bob's desk and put them on Alice's desk. Sometimes in plain sight, while they were watching. Because I'd use a little magic called `` misdirection''. Slides off the tongue like silk. Here, say it with me, `` misdirection''. See, you did n't even notice I mispelled msdirection the first time. 
 
 I turned in my reports on time and always had a slap on the back and a hail and well met for everyone. I brought in doughnuts and cookies. No one ever noticed I was n't on the payroll. 
 
 Within months there was n't a single person in the office who was n't a haggard, paranoid mess, and that's where I failed. They just could n't take my impervious optimism, it just made them angrier at that point. But at that point I'd already cost them many thousands, several good and important employees, and all of their morale. Glorious. 
 
 Maybe later I'll tell you about when they hired me to attack their competitor Synergistic Proactive Associates so they could get little edge on the competition. Only work through third parties, that's what I always say. Never let them know what I look like. Social Engineering. Say it with me.
