[ WP ] A pregnant woman 's waters break in the middle of a party of family and friends , and an argument over who should go to the hospital ensues .

Melissa gasped and screamed. Heads turned and they gasped and screamed. The party goers were on Melissa like flies on lamb shank. “ Set her down. Set her down ” cawed Melissa's friend Beth, her aunt Josephine and her cousin Shauna. Portia screeched in equal parts panic and surprise. Portia was Melissa's mother. 
 
 “ Call Alex ” Melissa told her. Alex was Melissa's soon to be husband and the father of their soon to be daughter. “ We need to get her to the hospital. Call Declan ” Josephine told her instead. Declan was Portia's husband, though not Melissa ’ s father. “ He went out for more wine an hour ago, he's not picking up ” Portia replied. “ How about John? ” suggested Shauna. John was Melissa's father, though not Portia's husband. Josephine shot Shauna a look. “ I can take her in my Prius ” suggested Tom, who was neither Portia's husband nor Melissa's father, though he had legally been both, once upon a time. 
 
 “ Who am I calling? ” Portia shrieked across the growing hysteria. 
 
 “ Alex ” 
 “ Declan ” 
 “ John ” 
 “ Howie ” said Bill, who was Anne's boyfriend of two years. Anne was the younger sister of Melissa, while Howie was her younger brother and Bill felt a great debt to him for allowing him to hook up with his sister ( Anne, not Melissa ). Neither man had ever been married to Portia. 
 
 The door flew open. It was Andy, Melissa's cousin, though not Shauna's cousin, and not Josephine's nephew. He brought his friend Doug, who was known to drive a very nice Nissan of some kind. 
 
 “ Doug! ” half the party yelled as he walked in. Doug was rarely the most popular guy in the room, so this was certainly a surprise for him. Beth briefed him on the situation, while Portia offered her own analysis on the turn of events. She had not yet tried calling Alex, John, Howie or any of her remaining ex-husbands who can not be named in this story for legal purposes ( though one of them may have had a hit with “ Can ’ t Get Enough Of Your Love Babe ” among many other classics hits ). 
 
 Doug, Melissa, Josephine and Portia climbed into Doug's sensibly priced coupe, with Beth, Andy, Anne and Bill following in Bill's Ford Focus. Thom ( who was Melissa ’ s friend and not to be confused with her one time father Tom ) decided to stay behind, see the revellers out and clean up. Though his feelings were hurt that he was n't explicitly invited to the hospital, he understood his place. He stayed behind with Joan, another of Melissa ’ s friends and nine and a half months later Joan gave birth to their child in the same ward Melissa did. Their love making was ruined when Alex showed up to the house wondering where the party was and they had to tell him that his fiancé was giving birth. 
 
 Meanwhile Doug, Melissa, Josephine and Portia ended up caught in rush hour traffic. Bill and co however, had taken the craft route and arrived at the hospital a full half hour before Melissa did. Melissa was infuriated for another reason: the baby that had finished gestating inside of her was not actually Alex's, but instead Doug's. Alas Melissa did n't remember their encounter because of her friend Captain Morgan. She instead believed the baby's father to be Blaine, an Aboriginal bodybuilder. Melissa had spent the best part of her pregnancy in the fear that her baby would end up black. Alex had no black relatives that she was aware of, though he was actually distantly related to a singer that may or not have recorded “ My First, My last, My Everything ”. 
 
 Josephine looked at Portia, who looked at Doug, who looked at Melissa, who thought Alex, who looked at Thom and Joan naked by his fireplace. They were both lucky enough to own their own cars and had not one living relative between them. 

