[ WP ] Food Court is an actual court with judge and jury

The cafeteria was dark and moist. Calvin knew not why, or what he was doing here, but very quickly he soon came to learn about it, and it was about as fun as weak lukewarm coffee. 
 
 `` Stand up, Calvin,'' boomed a thunderous voice from somewhere in the dark. 
 
 Calvin did so. Before him were two portly men, chefs that wore their greasy aprons and hats, leering down at him. Calvin looked around, and where there had once been rows and rows of empty tables and round plastic stools there sat a full five hundred people staring at him. All silent, unblinking, and all a strange shade of green. 
 
 He looked back in front. The chef to his left picked up a fork and pointed it at Calvin. 
 
 `` You have been brought here to answer for the most *horrific* of crimes.'' A collective shudder ran around the cafeteria. `` A crime so monstrous, a successful case has only been brought once, in the history of this court. You have been accused of...'' 
 
 Calvin held his breath. 
 
 ``... first degree burger *desecration*.'' 
 
 Everyone around gasped. 
 
 `` How do you plead?'' the judge continued. 
 
 Calvin, however, started to chuckle softly, then stopped when he realised how guilty he sounded. 
 
 `` I plead not guilty. I want a lawyer!'' 
 
 `` You could have had one,'' the chef sneered back. `` Under Food law, the lawyer has to be someone you know who can vouch for your character. Unfortunately, your supervisor - ah - he claims to not know you as anything other than a criminally insane first-class burger-burning dolt. As such, you may choose to represent yourself, or -'' 
 
 `` I'll represent myself, thanks,'' Calvin said, standing up a little straighter. 
 
 `` Very well,'' the chef-judge said. `` Prosecutor! Bring in the first witness.'' 
 
 A silence descended back on the cafeteria. The prosecutor, wearing a chestplate of a frying pan and shows of pot lids, stepped forward from the gloom. Calvin had to suppress another chuckle at the man's odd appearance. 
 
 But whatever laughter there was died when Calvin saw the witness. 
 
 `` You?'' Calvin blurted. `` How could you-'' 
 
 `` SILENCE!'' the chef roared. `` What is your name and profession?'' he asked. 
 
 The witness, a tall, older man with balding hair and wire-rimmed glasses, nodded in respect. `` I am Alan Storrar. I am a regular customer at that - at that godawful burger place.'' 
 
 The prosecutor took over. `` Could you describe to the food court what you tasted?'' 
 
 Alan nodded, looking at anywhere but Calvin. `` I tasted that burger - oh, it was burnt so badly, and the meat so rotten and godawful the spirit of Gordon Ramsay is still screaming -'' 
 
 The entire court winced. Calvin shot a quick glance over to the jury, twelve men and women in Masterchef-style clothing, and he had to shudder. There was nothing but *guilty* written there. 
 
 `` And who was it that did this?'' 
 
 Alan looked away, as if he could n't bear to say so, then pointed one crooked finger at Calvin. 
 
 `` It was HIM, your honour! He destroyed the good name of food - he committed unspeakable crimes against food.'' 
 
 `` Very well,'' the judge said. `` The witness may be recused. Now if the prosecutor could-'' 
 
 `` Wait a minute,'' Calvin interrupted. `` Do n't I get to cross examine the witness-'' 
 
 `` You get nothing, accused!'' the chefs roared back. `` Now sit still and hear the charges brought against you.'' 
 
 `` But I have no rights here!'' Calvin blurted out. 
 
 `` You got *that* right,'' the judge said, smiling. `` Alright, let's move on with calling the next witness, then we can send this pathetic idiot to the broccoli mines-'' 
 
 Calvin stared at the judges so hard they stopped. 
 
 `` I have no rights,'' he repeated. `` Am I not now still innocent?'' *Was this some crazy ass dream? * `` What about... everything? All the evidence? Presumption of innocence?'' 
 
 `` You think this is like one of your stupid court shows, accused?'' the prosecutor sneered. `` This is n't anything like it. In here we do not discriminate according to lettuce size or how many five star reviews you have. You are all equally guilty!'' 
 
 `` No way,'' Calvin said, desperately trying to think of a way out. He'd seen the trick once, he thought, as his mind cycled through the possibilities. Competition. Chefs. Game shows. Judge Judy and the People's Court *TV series... * 
 
 A lightbulb flashed on. 
 
 `` I wish to confess,'' Calvin said. 
 
 Momentarily, the prosecutor seemed stunned. `` You wish to confess?'' 
 
 `` Nah, just joking,'' Calvin said, laughing. `` I just wanted to get your attention. But now that I have it, I'll tell you high-and-mighties one thing - I did not desecrate that burger. It was the most lovely shade of brown you have ever seen. And I know I'll get no justice here - so I will let the High Chefs decide my fate.'' 
 
 Calvin lowered his voice, to where the entire cafeteria was listening in, and said: 
 
 `` I demand a trial by food-fight.'' 
 
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 For more stories like this check out /r/KCcracker: D
