[ WP ] Once every five years you can coherently communicate with your dog for a whole day . Today is that day .

`` You're a mutha fucka.'' 
 
 Mittens was sitting at the foot of my bed. In my blurred morning vision I made out the clock to read 5:00 am. 
 
 `` Mittens, later. I need to sleep a little more,'' I pulled the blankets over my head. 
 
 `` Ah hell nah!'' his tiny paws bounced all over my legs. He caught the blankets in his jaw and shook them off of the bed. `` For reals man? Mutha fucka cut my balls off? ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?'' 
 
 `` That was like eight months ago,'' I groaned. `` Every dog gets neutered. You kept grinding on the lady dogs at the park, it was awkward for everybody involved.'' 
 
 `` You gine ass bitch,'' his black beady eyes looked right into my soul. `` Nahhh man I'm just playing with you.'' 
 
 Mittens' tail wagged and he jumped off the bed, sprinting into the other room. Down the hall I heard him shouting, `` We have so much to do today. The park. The car. The store. The park. The pool?'' 
 
 I walked into the kitchen and opened the costco bag of kibble. The kibble pellets clinged and clanged as they filled the silver bowl. Mittens sat there patiently and watched. 
 
 `` What do you think you're doing?'' his little neck craned to look up to me. 
 
 `` I'm giving you breakfast,'' I gestured to the bowl. 
 
 `` Ryan,'' he sighed. `` Today is THE ONLY DAY that I do n't have to eat this shit. Have you ever tasted this stuff? Taste it right now. It's SHIT. Over glorified shit with a picture of a smiling golden retriever on the bag, but I'll tell you: ai n't NOBODY smiling after tasting this shit.'' 
 
 `` Well, then, what do you want?'' 
 
 `` Ham. All of the ham.'' 
 
 `` We do n't have any ham.'' 
 
 `` Get you sorry ass shoes on, we're going to the store.'' 
 
 Mittens' gray butt wriggled towards the door. We did end up going to the store to buy ham. In fact, we spent $ 45 on ham that day. It was better than last year when we communicated to me that he would only eat fresh Alaskan salmon. 
 
 On the way home we passed a Mexican grill and the smell of steaming carne asada followed the car. 
 
 `` FORGET THE HAM'' Mittens announced with his nose hanging outside of the window. `` Forget. The. Ham.'' 
 
 `` They wo n't let dogs in there,'' I continued driving. 
 
 `` Ryan, you sorry ass bitch. Do you even comprehend the scarcity of life? The harmony in which all living things share, singing together with the same fire burning in their hearts. A fire burning for nothing other than that fresh mutha fucking asada. Do you understand? I look into your sorry ass grey eyes and I do n't think you understand.'' 
 
 `` I'll do through the drive through I guess.'' 
 
 When we finally reached the window to Alberto de Supreme I looked to Mittens who had been patiently sitting, nose high in the air, like he had won some great argument. 
 
 `` What do you want,'' I looked to him. 
 
 He sat silently for a moment, turned his entire body towards me, and looked me in the eyes. `` Ham,'' he whispered.
