[ WP ] Hagrid comes to your house and tell you your a wizard ... A window installation wizard !

Harry stared at the owl sitting atop his scale replica of Hogwarts, its talons wrapped around its astronomy tower. It didn ’ t look like one of his several officially licensed Harry Potter owls. In fact, the more that he studied the bird, the more he realized how incredibly lifelike it looked. The way its feathers fluttered softly as it breathed, how its eyes followed him as he swayed back and forth slightly. It was definitely real, which meant only one thing: Harry was about to be accepted into Hogwarts at the ripe age of thirty-six. 
 
 “ Mom, ” Harry shouted, the abruptness of his voice startling the owl and causing it to take a panicked flight. It smashed into the walls of his room, knocking his signed Nimbus 2000 off of its rack onto the floor. He ’ d ran and bought the model broom, and had it signed on the spot, after realizing that he was in the same showing of *Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows* as Mark Foley, second assistant camera operator for the very film he was watching. The bird then made a b-line right for Harry ’ s “ Harry Potter Versus He Who Must Not Be Named In A Bottle ” scene, which he ’ d painstakingly constructed out of wood scraps within a tiny glass bottle. It smashed against the floor and instantly shattered. “ Mom! I ’ m going to Hogwarts! ” 
 
 “ That ’ s nice, honey ” Harry ’ s mother shouted from downstairs. “ Remember to make your bed. ” 
 
 Harry watched as the bird headed straight for his collection of Daniel Radcliffe ’ s previously discarded phone bills, credit card statements, and undergarments, which Harry had borrowed from the garbage cans outside the actor ’ s home. The bird then landed softly on top of Daniel ’ s old possessions and resumed staring at Harry. A knock came from the window behind him, his eyes growing wide as he turned. A massive, burly man with a thick, black beard sat on his roof, his face pressed up against the window, condensation forming each time he breathed against its glass. He was staring back at Harry, a smile spread across his face. 
 
 “ Hagrid? ” Harry whispered, feeling as though he were just seconds from fainting. He took a step toward the window, his bare feet crunching atop his shattered Harry Potter merchandise. 
 
 “ My boy! ” said the man from outside the window, tapping against the glass. “ Let me in, I have wonderful news for you. ” 
 
 Harry ran over to the window, his heart throbbing in his chest. He knew this day would come, knew that his invitation to Hogwarts had simply been lost for the last twenty years. He ’ d never given up hope, not even on his thirty-first birthday. His owl had simply gotten lost, he knew it, and now he finally had the proof. He slowly pulled open the glass and stepped aside, allowing Hagrid to lumber into his room. 
 
 The man was absolutely massive, just as big as he thought he ’ d be. Easily over seven feet tall and pushing 350 pounds. His massive, black beard seemed thick enough to house a family of four to six Smurfs, and would definitely feel nice against Harry ’ s face when the two of them inevitably hugged. He wore a simple, tan vest and a white t-shirt shirt beneath, his blue jeans slightly torn around the knees and hanging down past his construction boots. 
 
 “ Hagrid? ” Harry said. 
 
 “ Sure, ” Hagraid said, admiring Harry ’ s room. “ Love what you ’ ve done with the place. ” He turned back toward the window and began cleaning it off, wiping away the condensation he ’ d previously created. “ Beautiful window, too. Seriously, one of the finest and most well-kept. Seems the rumors were true. ” 
 
 “ Are you here to take me to Hogwarts? ” Harry said, his voice quivering slightly as he spoke. He ’ d been looking forward to this day since he ’ d first read Harry Potter, dreamt about it every single night. And now it was finally happening. 
 
 “ Hogwash, ” Hagrid said, turning back toward Harry and smiling. “ We ’ re going to be going to Hogwash. ” He paused, staring at the bird still seated on Daniel Radcliffe ’ s stolen underwear. “ I see you noticed the owl already. ” 
 
 Harry stared at Hagrid, his head tilted slightly. Mrs. Rowling had not previously written about his speech impediment, but he assumed she left it out to make him easier to understand. 
 
 “ I did, ” Harry said, smiling. 
 
 “ Then I ’ m sure you figured out why I ’ m here, ” Hagrid said. “ We only shove owls into the homes of those we accept, although I never understood why the headmaster requested we do that. ” 
 
 “ Yes, ” Harry said, the muscles in his face starting to become sore from how wide grinned. 
 
 “ Harry, ” Hagraid said, clearing his throat, “ yer a wizard. A window washing wizard. ” Hagrid tapped on the window he ’ d just finished cleaning off. 
 
 “ I ’ m sorry? ” Harry said 
 
 “ You ’ ve been accepted to join the elite of the wizarding world, in that you ’ re going to be cleaning windows with such a level of detail that it will seem nearly paranormal. Obviously you won ’ t be a real wizard. ” 
 
 “ I won ’ t be a real wizard? ” Harry said, his shoulders drooping. “ But I thought we were going to Hogwarts? ” 
 
 “ No, ” Hagrid said, a loud, hearty laugh bellowing from deep in his belly, “ Hog-*wash*. Hogwarts doesn ’ t exist. Hogwash is one of the most elite window cleaning schools, located in Trenton, New Jersey. It is there that we offer one of the finest Associates Degrees in advanced window washing, covering such incredible topics as: waxing, wiping, and drying. We ’ ve chosen you based on your incredible ability to cleanse and clean windows like some of the best, even despite your lack of training. With your associates degree, however, you could become a legend. ” 
 
 “ But I was supposed to be a wizard, ” Harry said, glancing over at the life-size replica he ’ d created of Hermione Granger out of dried, discarded skin and human hair. “ That ’ s been my dream for years. ” 
 
 “ Sorry, ” Hagrid said, turning back toward the window and wiping it down again. “ I ’ m afraid Wizards don ’ t actually exist. ” He took a step back and held his thumb up between his face and the window, one eye shut, then stepped back over and gave it a second wipe down. 
 
 Harry stared at Hagrid, his shoulders drooping as he watched the man clean his window. The more he noticed how his butt crack hung out of his rather tattered jeans, how his long, black mullet cascaded down his back, the more he realized how much the man looked like a typical, albeit over-sized, window washer. Still, the man was clearly very good at what he did, the window he was wiping down now glistening far beyond that of what he ’ d ever been able to do. Perhaps it wouldn ’ t be such a bad idea to enroll in Hogwash ’ s exclusive Window Washing program. At least then his mother would stop forcing him to make his bed every morning. 
 
 “ Fine, ” Harry sighed, “ Do we at least get to take a magical bus or train? ” 
 
 “ Better, ” Hagrid said, turning back toward Harry. “ We get to take the Long Island Railroad and then Metro North. Let ’ s go! ” 
 
 Harry sighed and as Hagrid climbed back out Harry ’ s window and onto his roof, then turned and waved Harry over. He took a step, his feet practically dragging behind himself, and slowly followed behind. He hoped desperately he wasn ’ t about to be kidnapped. 

