[ WP ] You hate your boss , and you 've just won the lottery . Write your resignation letter .

Jenna, 
 
 
 
 I regret to inform you I am tendering my resignation, effective immediately. However, the circumstances under which I am writing it are far from regretful: I have been blessed with choosing the correct numbers—8, 12, 9, 98 and 34—to win the Five-Draw Powerball National Lottery, awarding me a generous sum of $ 5,934,350,000.23 after taxes. I am sure you have been following the story for the last few weeks, as nobody has been publically confirmed as the winner. Well, here I am! 
 
 
 Although I understand our policy requires a two-week resignation period, I unfortunately will not be able to provide you with this time as I have made immediate preparations regarding the recent change in my financial status that will conflict with any further employment. I do apologize if this causes any complications around the office. 
 
 
 The numbers I mentioned I chose specifically. I would like to share with you the reasons for which I selected them as explicitly as I did. 
 
 
 8 is the number of holidays I was forced—with my employment threatened—to come into the office to take care of work specifically assigned to you from our corporate office. I understand there are initiatives you are responsible for carrying out that are far beyond my scope of authority for Branson Corp., and yet 8 times I was intimidated into working a holiday to handle the details of the assignments you neglected and would not have been able to finish before the days our branch was closed. I should inform you I have kept a detailed copy of each assignment you wrongly passed to me filed away at home and I will be passing all 8 of them to our corporate office in Florida. 
 
 
 12 is the number of times this year you wrongly signed off on payroll accounting that failed to report overtime—which you demanded of me—resulting in me not being fairly compensated for working up to full eight-hour days on weekends. Considering my recent stroke of good fortune I initially decided not to pursue this issue with Human Resources. However, I recall that I was not the only one to ever work overtime, so as a result I have decided to file a complaint with H.R. on behalf of my co-workers who are likely often subjected to the same inequity. 
 
 
 9 is the number of years I have been working at Branson Corp. Throughout my career here, I have acquired a vast amount of experience in the workforce, and particularly the manner necessary for someone in a leadership position to treat his or her employees. I unfortunately must confess I learned these traits from witnessing—and being subjected to—your mistakes and ill-tempered behavior toward our staff in the New York office. 
 
 
 98 is the number of employees under your authority. I have offered each one of them a sum of $ 1,000,000 to do with what they wish—most of whom have expressed interest in finding other employment. I refrained from offering you a similar benefit as I saw it may conflict with my numerous grievances I mentioned previously. 
 
 
 Finally, I chose 34 because this is the age at which I am retiring. I have enjoyed the opportunities to work with Branson Corp. and look forward to its continued success in the future. I do not expect your employment to extend much further beyond May 30, but I wish you luck in your subsequent endeavors. 
 
 
 Best regards, 
 
 Alan C. Newhouse 
 
 
 P.S. – Coincidentally, my last name is relevant for the day, as I will be closing a sale on a summer home in Hawaii this afternoon! If you ever find your way across the Pacific, you have a place to stay. 
 
 Edit: Grammar, etc.
