[ WP ] A narrator shows up to narrate a story only to find there 's another narrator . They begin fighting each other for control over the plot , and the characters are already fed up with it .

The rich cerulean vault of heaven encircled the might warrior of Avalon as he strode atop the soaring eminence which wrapped him with her lithic embrace. Alongside the valiant noble savage stood the Princess Regent, with her long, flowing, flaxen tresses whipping freely in the Alpine zephyr. The vermillion bodice clung to her form as close as the aristocracy shone through her haughty gaze. 
 
 What mate? I mean, you've got a big lad, lots of muscles on top of a mountain, with some blonde bird, right? 
 
 What - who are you? 
 
 I'm the narrator they hired for this gig, yeah? 
 
 I'm sorry, I believe you have the wrong story. Clearly, my stentorian tones are best suited to this epic tale of heroism and sacrifice. Not someone who sounds like he pulled himself out of a barroom gutter. 
 
 Hey, just cuz I likes a lager now and then do n't mean I ca n't do epic. I just ca n't see why you've got ta dress everything up in ten quid words. Look. Right. We've got this muscle-y bloke carrying a sword that looks at least three stone. Prob'ly magical. They're always magical. Then there's some bint wearin' a little red number that makes the lad down to pub start howlin'. 
 
 How dare you sir! There's no need for your common filth to corrupt such an inspiring vista that will assuredly lead a tale of which the bards will sing through eternity. This noble savage shall - 
 
 `` Hey!'' 
 
 What? Who is that now? 
 
 `` It's me. You noble freaking savage! The whole time you two assholes have been arguing, me and the lady have been stuck on top of a damned mountain. I do n't know if either of you geniuses have ever been on top of a mountain, but it's stupid cold up here. She's wearing a dress so thin you can watch her change her mind and I'm stuck up here without a shirt. Could you two, I do n't know, sort your shit out later?'' 
 
 Yes, I suppose he's right. Much better spoken than I was expecting, to be honest. 
 
 Blimey, he sure told you. You might want to make it up to him, guv. 
 
 Really, and just how, pray tell, would I accomplish such a thing? 
 
 Skip ahead a bit. Let'em get into the inn down in the valley. That'll save'em the whole walk down. 
 
 `` That would work! My heels are n't meant for mountain climbing anyway. I'm not sure why I'm even in these. Why did n't I change into boot and riding pants before we left?'' 
 
 `` And why ca n't I have a shirt? This is the third story I've been in and still no shirt.'' 
 
 Mm-hmm. The noble savage brought his charge into town where he found a smoke hued- 
 
 Grey. Just say grey, mate. 
 
 - where he found a grey cloak to wear. 
 
 `` Thanks!'' 
 
 The two compatriots made their way to the public house down the main thoroughfare of the quiet hamlet nestled against the outer limb of the great mountain range. 
 
 `` Could we get some food? To be honest, I do n't know how we made it this far without bringing food and water with us. It's not like he can hunt when all he has is that big ass sword strapped to his back.'' 
 
 `` That's true. You ever try killing a deer or a rabbit with a sword? Might as well go vegetarian.'' 
 
 Fine. Victuals aplenty were laid before them by the proprietress of the quiet inn who seemed a lovely sort but was a keen observer of human nature. She had seen that truth of the blacksmith's wife last year and though it tore her heart out to tell that kind-hearted man of his wife's wandering, she felt that to do otherwise would make her complicit in the affair. The proprietress had been watching the two weary travelers make their way through the close-pressed crowd towards the bar and knew they - 
 
 Oi! Just give'em the stew and shove the claptrap! 
 
 You know what, it's yours now. I was just trying to add a little color - to make the world feel lived in and vibrant. But then you had to show up and-and-and-and piss all over it! 
 
 Yeah, well, if you're going, then fuck off. 
 
 The two kids got their grub, found a room, shagged a bit, then pressed on in the morning. The found the mean old wizard that was bein' a right git and the girlie got captured. Big muscles went and rescued her then ran that old wizard through with that sword - which, it turns out, was n't actually magical but just a big damn sword. They went back to the princesses home where he Daddy was n't too fond of their relationship. He tried to make it work because he knew that his little girl would run off just to spite him. The kids got married, the barbarian started drinking, and they were divorced in three years. The princess found a nice princely-fella from the next kingdom over. They live in a small 14 bedroom castle that was a gift from her parents. She's expecting again. The barbarian went back to killin' wizards and shaggin' whores. Everyone was much happier. The end. 
 
 I loathe you beyond description. 
 
 Wanker.
