[ WP ] Stockholm syndrome , but the other way around .

`` Here it is. 2 million dollars in unmarked bills.'' 
 
 `` What?'' 
 
 `` Feel free to check. It's all there.'' 
 
 `` What are you talking about? Where's my daughter? If you hurt her-'' 
 
 `` She's with us now.'' 
 
 `` Huh?'' 
 
 `` We kidnapped another girl and ransomed her for 2 million dollars, which now belongs to you.'' 
 
 `` I do n't want it. I want my daughter.'' 
 
 `` We think you're lying. She told us all about the kind of dad you've been and you're lucky Sammy does n't sock you in the face for it. Chill, Sammy. *Sammy*. Chill.'' 
 
 `` How dare you people-'' 
 
 `` How dare YOU, sir. You're never home, you crush her confidence AND her spirit with your cynical bullshit world and your Victorian-era expectations including your stupid pompous modern day ettiquette garbage. When's the last time you took her anywhere? Huh?'' 
 
 `` I do n't have to-'' 
 
 `` You'd love to take this money and walk away, but you ca n't risk anyone finding out because that would destroy your reputation. Fortunately we've taken care of everything. You'll tell the police you never heard from us and we'll disappear forever and no one will ever be the wiser unless she writes a book one day after her presidential terms are over, terms with an's' to imply a second term, and only after she's bored of writing novels about Frankenstein which she wants to do for a living not like you'd even know, right?'' 
 
 `` I know what she likes. She writes non-fiction like her dad. Experiments, research, ideas, things that matter.'' 
 
 `` She hates writing non-fiction. You're forcing a square peg into a round hole with your analytical, linear thinking, and you know it but you do n't care. She's a free spirit and she knows what she wants and you do n't care and now you do n't have to, so if you'll just-'' 
 
 `` This is bullshit. What do you think you're going to do from here?'' 
 
 `` Well, I lied earlier, we ransomed the girl for 6 million. We're retiring. Moving out of the country to buy a farm. We might build a school.'' 
 
 `` I'm sorry but huh?'' 
 
 `` Your daughter noticed that all 5 of us had abusive fathers, but more importantly, we had mothers who did n't put up with their shit. Who fought back. Everything she said made so much sense - she had us all figured out. She's truly an inspiration.'' 
 
 `` I know that, she's my daughter.'' 
 
 `` Well now she's the Principal of a school and the House Mother to a farm and a bunch of dummies trying to rebuild their lives. So... we'll be seeing you. Oh, before I forget, she wanted me to tell you... Hold on, I have it written down.'Galapar fensirek. Bun, kalaway. Garr.' 
 
 `` She... I...'' 
 
 `` Aw, do n't cry, man. You're a shitty dad but she's going to turn out fine.'' 
 
 `` It's not that, you idiot. It's what she said...'' 
 
 `` You guys Portuguese or something?'' 
 
 `` That's the language she created. And it's not a dialect, either. It's a fully developed language, one which I never took the time to learn yet somehow know. I'm pretty sure she taught it to me subliminally by editing the meditation mp3s I fall asleep to...'' 
 
 `` So what did she say?'' 
 
 ``... A lot.'' 
 
 `` So...'' 
 
 `` So you guys should go. Keep the money. She's got an expensive habit, those Bottlecaps candies. I'm sure you already know.'' 
 
 `` Yeah, got a box on me at all times.'' 
 
 `` Rootbeer and Cola?'' 
 
 `` She's into all of the flavors except-'' 
 
 `` Cherry. She hates cherry. Call me if you need anything. And I know you already think I'm a terrible dad, but the only reason I'm letting all this happen is-'' 
 
 `` -because all 6 of us are homosexuals either born without a penis or victims of a traumatic penile event at some point in our lives?'' 
 
 `` Is that really all true?'' 
 
 `` No no, but we've all known each other since childhood and none of us are weirdos. We're just misguided punks. We watch Mary Poppins and eat fish and chips every year on Gary's birthday, like, we're carebears in bear costumes.'' 
 
 `` No, I saw the'I love my wife' sticker on the car. Terrible people do n't have the guts to put that on their car.'' 
 
 `` That's Tim's car and he really does love her.'' 
 
 `` Alright, well I'm assuming she's still mad at me for taking an extra few days to call you guys back, so I ca n't expect a hug but give one to her for me. And call me if you guys get in any trouble of if she becomes too much to handle.'' 
 
 The End
