[ WP ] After dying , God asks you : `` So , how was heaven ? ''

Face barely heard the question, the nearby sound of waves pulling through pebbles had lowered them into a half meditative state, below their body.. after it. 
 
 “ ….uhh? ” squinting now, their head tilts slowly up towards this nuisance light that burns like freshly opened curtains in your childhood bedroom. 
 
 “ So, how was heaven? ” God's voice arrived like a half pace sonic boom, absurdly loud and irritating as ever. 
 
 Face knows what their in for and sighs heavily, moving their hands up to cover their eyes before lightly dragging their fingers down their face, stopping only to rest their chin on the very tips of their fingers. “ … can you? ” 
 
 “ oh… of course …. just a moment…' God fumbles around in his smock until he finds the dial and manages to turn his aura and voice amplification down, not off, mind. “ Sorry, Face … I know you hate that. ” Eager smile like a dog at breakfast while Face is nodding off again, the flow of the sea calling him under. 
 
 “ Face, please! I got ta know, man! What's it like? ” 
 
 “..ugh ” half turn of the head and an outward stretch of the arms, Face is awake now, though dry-eyed. “ ca n't you just... just go and look for yourself? ” 
 
 God sheepishly toes the pebbles. “ Well... I was gon na go the other Tuesday, you know.. but I was busy. Muhammad called, him, Gandhi and Kurt- ” 
 
 “ Cobain? ” 
 
 “ Russell. ” 
 
 “ My bad. Carry on. ” 
 
 “ Well, those guys were heading to that new six flags over by purgatory. You know, the one with the rollercoaster where it looks like your gon na plunge into lava, you get really close to the lava and you're going crazy fast but you do n't actually go in the lava, you just miss it. ” God's incredulous eyebrows raised beyond possibility, Face's unequally distributed; a cocked eyebrow the Rock'd be proud of. 
 
 “ So.. ” Face's interest piqued “ let me get this straight. You went to ride The Lavanator,'the hottest ride cloudside' …. Instead… I mean… instead of finding out what all that rubbish down there, all that, I do n't even know what the hell that is, down on earth?... You went to six flags instead of finding that out? …. ” 
 
 “ You should see their burgers, man. I- ” 
 
 “ I ca n't believe- ” 
 
 “ It's not like I have n't been there before, I invented it remember? Built it with my own bare hands! This cloud here, that pearly gate there. Was way quicker than earth too, only four days for heaven, a lot easier when you're working with a more basic colour scheme. I just want to know what you thought of it, you know? Constructive feedback. ” 
 
 “ OK, OK fine. I'll tell you how it was. ” Wily now, cogs turning at the optimum rate. “ I was a little surprised by the flowery garland I received on entrance but though'hey, loosen up, nothing to stress about now I'm dead.' The sofas were incredibly comfortable and those cool little drinks holders, you know, the ones that mould to the shape of your glass, they're a revelation! I can tell you that right now. The food was pretty good, especially the shrimp platter which was like a religious experience, honestly, I needed a moment alone with that one. ” 
 
 “ Ha, yeah. I think I had that one a few years ago, delicious… go on... ” 
 
 “ I ate that for what felt like four straight years since there are no full stomachs in heaven, no hunger either, it's fantastic. Plus they only serve virtuous shrimp, so it's ethically sound. After that it was time for the real business, what everyone is really here to do. The lights dim down and the music switches from choirboy hymns to some smoky improv harp. At this point winged centaurs carry especially luscious clouds topped with the most incredibly beautiful women and men into the great hall, naked as you intended them to be and beaming like the sun itself. Cherubs bring forward the massage tables and it beautifully scented oils fall lightly from above as we all take our places. ” 
 
 Face is sure he could wave a hand in front of God's eyes and he would n't even notice, so far into his imagination has he receded. 
 
 “... but you know all of this, right? You invented it all after all. ” 
 
..uhh.. yeah, yeah. I know. The oil clouds were a stroke of genius, heh… let's just say'you're welcome.' 
 
 “ I KNEW IT! ” 
 
 “ Umm... knew what, Face? ” 
 
 “ You've never even been, have you?! You did n't build it at all! ” 
 
 “ THEY WO N'T LET ME IN! ” Almost in tears. “ I've tried! So many times but they've got some kind of'no deity' rule. Apparently it's not healthy for you humans to worship anything and they do n't want me peddling my business in there… say it will upset the equilibrium. ” 
 
 “ Uh huh … I know. ” Sympathetic tones now. “ it's just, you know, with the whole'no time' thing they've got going on, they do n't really need you. ” 
 
 “ … m-m-maybe you could help me, you've been there, you could help me get in.. ” 
 
 “..it's just... and I know you're not gon na want to hear this, buddy, but I'm just not sure you'll ever be let in… ” 
 
 “... but why?... what's it like? ” 
 
 “ well, you see …. let me start this off simply… in heaven there is no money. At no point can you have more or less money than your fellow person. In heaven there is no property. At no point can you have a bigger or smaller house than your fellow person. In heaven, the words'she,''he,''his''hers' have been abolished. There are no gender divisions, only people. In heaven there is no good or evil, no gay or straight, no class system, only people. Nationalities are as laughable as races are absurd. There are only people, hanging out, working hard for one another, letting people be what they want, when they want. There's a lot more fruit and veg too which is a highlight, all free, of course. I'll swap my yam for you carrots, you know…. Anyway… sorry … what I'm trying to say is, you go in there and start throwing your weight around, trying to get everyone to look up and bow down, you will mess up the equilibrium. People believe in each other in there, they do n't need someone to fear or someone to impress or someone to keep them in check you know... ” 
 
 “ Oh … I see. ”
