[ WP ] Hitler and Jesus magically appear in the same place and at the same time in the 21st century

( Top of the Empire State Building in New York, Jan 15, 2016, 5:39 p.m. Ambient air temperature 40F. A few tourists are scattered about, plugging quarters into the coin-operated binoculars. We zoom in on one such tourist, JESUS, who is gazing south over lower Manhattan. He ’ s wearing a hoodie with the hood up, and has dreadlocks and a ratty-looking beard. As we watch, he is approached by a second tourist, HITLER, with short-barbered, slicked-back hair and an enormous handlebar mustache, wearing a black tuxedo. ) 
 
 HITLER: Jesus, is zat you? 
 
 JESUS: ( turning suddenly ) Oh my God! ( looks around frantically, lowers voice to a whisper. ) What are you doing here? 
 
 HITLER: Vell, I come to see zee sights. Zee city, it ees… 
 
 JESUS: Hold on, hold on. Why are you talking like this? What about the speech therapy. 
 
 HITLER: Ok, I ’ ll leave off. It ’ s true, I have perfect English now. That RosettaStone ( TM ) is amazing. 
 
 JESUS: Especially with a little cerebral upgrade from the Almighty! 
 
 ( They laugh, and high-five. ) 
 
 JESUS: So, how long have you been in New York? 
 
 HITLER: Ten or twelve minutes. I just beamed in from Jerusalem. 
 
 JESUS: Whoa, dude, what were you doing in Israel? 
 
 HITLER: Well, as you know, I have been on the board of erm, um, several construction corporations for quite a while. For quite a few decades. Vee are building in zee settlements. They needed my input, you know, on their latest expansion plans. Which reminds me, and forgive me for asking, if I am out of line, but— “ 
 
 JESUS: Is that a joke? 
 
 HITLER: What? 
 
 JESUS: You know, “ forgive me, ” like ha ha, dear savior, that sort of thing. 
 
 HITLER: Jesus, no, of course not, I was only — a figure of speech. 
 
 JESUS: Because you know, I don ’ t do that anymore. I ’ m reformed. 
 
 HITLER: You are reformed too? Ha! I love it! We are both reformed. 
 
 ( They high-five again, but this time Jesus looks less enthusiastic. ) 
 
 HITLER: So you are not forgiving anymore? You know, the people of the Earth? 
 
 JESUS: ( gazing southward again ) They don ’ t need me anymore, man. Things have changed. I ’ m like Santa Claus nowadays. Have you seen that sad mother fucker? Still banging out wooden toys with elf labor. I tried to help him, man. I told him, kids don ’ t want wooden toys! It ’ s Xbox now, man, video games! But he hates technology. He doesn ’ t want to re-tool. He ’ s a bygone, man. 
 
 HITLER: Yeah. Well I can see that. 
 
 JESUS: Plus, he ’ s fatter than ever. One year, as an experiment, I changed all his cookies into sugar-free, and all the milk into skim. It didn ’ t do a damn thing. He ’ s fat as a house. He had to build a new, larger workshop. He rides around on one of those kneeling scooters — “ 
 
 HITLER: Jesus, Jesus. Just a moment. Look, I was going to ask you… ” 
 
 JESUS: Yes? 
 
 HITLER: Well as I was saying, I ’ m on the board of these companies. We could use a guy like you. You know, for pubic relations. We are doing construction in the Holy Land. But there ’ s a problem. 
 
 JESUS: What ’ s that? 
 
 HITLER: Well, vee are, I mean we are running into problems getting investors. Because of the conflicts, you know, the “ occupation, ” ha, ha. Investors are afraid of eminent domain, Palestinian state, that sort of thing. 
 
 JESUS: Hrm… 
 
 HITLER: But if we had Jesus! Can you imagine? I can see it now. Ladies and gentlemen, the son of God lives in this condo right here, number 184! Jesus for a neighbor. Even if you were in the next condo building over, I mean just to have you in the neighborhood… 
 
 JESUS: Look, man, no offense, but I got bad memories of that place. You understand. 
 
 HITLER: It ’ s different now. The crusaders are gone. Of course there are the Arabs, but they ’ re mostly powerless. 
 
 JESUS: What about the Zionists? 
 
 HITLER: Da, what about zem? 
 
 JESUS: I mean, aren ’ t they kind of pricks? I mean I ’ ve never been a fan of Zionism. 
 
 HITLER: Well, I mean, we can agree to disagree about that. 
 
 JESUS: I just don ’ t want to live there, man. I ’ m tired of being a celeb. That ’ s why I came to New York. I ’ m a nobody here. These fuckers are atheist, every one of them. Even the earlock-wearing fools riding around on school buses with bags of gold… 
 
 HITLER: ha, Jesus? Ess zat a stereotype? 
 
 JESUS: The son of God ’ s not perfect, my man. 
 
 ( They high-five again. A small crowd has gathered behind them. ) 
 
 BYSTANDER # 1: Wow, is this some kind of performance? 
 
 BYSTANDER # 2: Holy shit that guy looks like Hitler! 
 
 CHILD # 1: No he doesn ’ t. Hitler had a tiny mustache. 
 
 JESUS: ( whispering ) Yo Adolf, I think we ’ d better get out of here. It ’ s getting a little tight. 
 
 HITLER: ( growing impatient ) Everyone, calm down. I am not Hitler. 
 
 JESUS: Dude, that ’ s like the worst thing you could have said. 
 
 ( Jesus throws off the hood on his hoodie. A halo is visible around his head. He waves at the gathering crowd, and his stigmata are clearly visible. A woman screams. Another woman faints. ) 
 
 BYSTANDER # 1: Oh my God! 
 
 JESUS: Yeah, yeah. 
 
 HITLER: I sink vee had better go. 
 
 JESUS: Well, look at the elevators. That line is ten minutes long. We ’ re stuck. 
 
 HITLER: ( looking about nervously ) Why did you haz to reveal? If they believe that Jesus is here, it ’ s not much of a stretch to get to Hitler. 
 
 JESUS: Now, just what the fuck do you mean by that? 
 
 HITLER: Calm down, calm down. I ’ m a Christian, you know. I ’ m Catholic. Heck, ha ha, I ’ m a believer. 
 
 JESUS: I should have zapped your ass long ago. I mean I said I wanted revenge. But six million? 
 
 HITLER: I vass an overachiever. Vat can I zay? 
 
 ( The crowd continues to press in. Some of them touch Jesus ’ clothing, pull at his dreads. Hitler hides off to one side. 
 Suddenly, a group of diminutive men in Orthodox dress burst from the elevators. There are six or seven of them. They rush toward Jesus and Hitler. ) 
 
 JEW # 1: Get them! 
 
 JEW # 2: There they are! 
 
 JEW # 3: Kill them! Both of them! 
 
 JESUS: Mother of God… 
 
 HITLER: Acht! Schnell! Jesus, we have to get out of here. 
 
 ( The Jews rush forward, scattering the crowd of tourists and drawing sidearms. At the sight of firearms, the tourists scream and run. ) 
 
 JESUS: Quick! Take my hand! 
 
 HITLER: Mein Gott…. 
 
 ( Hitler takes Jesus ’ hand. They quickly ascend. Below them, the Jews blaze away. We see multiple muzzle flashes. ) 
 
 HITLER: Schnell! I am hit! 
 
 JESUS: Stop whining. Fasten seatbelt sign is on. Return to seats. 
 
 ( Jesus swoops up and away, with Hitler in tow. They fly for a few minutes, heading east, toward the Bronx. Eventually they land on Arthur Avenue, a busy cultural street lined with shops and restaurants. Jesus puts his hoodie back up, covering his halo. As they land, Hitler screams. ) 
 
 HITLER: Acht, my leg! 
 
 JESUS: ( with a quick healing motion, touches Hitler ’ s wound. ) There ya go. Stop whining. All better now. Give papa a kiss. 
 
 HITLER: ( Looking around suspiciously. ) Where ze heck are we? 
 
 JESUS: In the Bronx, duh. I recommend you get a cab and get out of here. 
 
 HITLER: Zen, why did you bring me here? 
 
 JESUS: I live here, man. The Bronx is up and coming. I live over an Italian restaurant. The ziti, oh my God… 
 
 HITLER: It ees nice to see you, Herr Jesus, but I haff to say, I hope I do not see you again. Belief, it ees not something that is good for me to be around. You haff seen why. People believe one zing, den they belief another, et zetera… 
 
 JESUS: Yeah, well. Stay out of New York, then. It ain ’ t big enough for both of us. We ’ re bigger than history, man. Can ’ t have two clowns in one town. 
 
 HITLER: Zat ees deep. Too true. I vill beam back to Jerusalem schnell. Vell, so long! 
 
 JESUS: Yeah, man. Keep it real. Hi to my peeps. 
 
 ( Jesus turns to go. Hitler touches a button on his wrist and vanishes in a flash of light. Jesus moves down the street, smaller and smaller, approaching his favorite Italian restaurant. Pan out, high over city. Fade. ) 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

