[ wp ] Brian Williams delivers a news report about the time he traveled back in time to interview Hitler and then kill him .

“ Mr. Williams, having recently faced quite a controversy over his misrepresentation of war-time reporting, has been graciously given another opportunity to redeem himself via public request. His history and work simply could not be ignored in light of one inaccuracy. So, without further ado, I ’ d like to hand the reigns back over to Mr. Brian Williams. ” 
 
 “ Thank you, Lester. You did a wonderful job filling in for me these past few weeks. 
 
 I would like to begin today ’ s report by apologizing to all of you, the viewers, for my failure in representing and upholding the truth. As a newsman, my word is all I live by. The fact that I broke that trust, ignored my creed, has been one of the worst experiences of my life. So I ’ d like to start today by promising that I will never, ever, lie again. From now on, everything I say will be true, without any room for inaccuracies. 
 
 Moving on, tonight I bring you a special report I have been working on during my absence. In order to reinstate my goal of always being truthful, I wanted to share with you a uniquely personal report. Tonight, I will discuss how I, in 2004, traveled back in time to interview Hitler, and then I killed him. 
 
 It was 2002, during a cold day in June, when I stumbled upon a time machine right here in the MSNBC offices. I knew it was a time machine because it had the words “ time ” and “ machine ” written across the top of it on beige masking tape. It didn ’ t take long for me to combine the two seemingly unrelated nouns into one—certainly less than fifteen minutes. As soon as I did, though, I knew what I was staring at, I knew what lay before me: a time machine, a device to control the ebb and flow of time, to traverse it like Charon on the River Styx. It looked real enough, a small, brown, shoebox-like object with a bunch of wires stuffed in. I ’ d seen enough time machines in my day to know how to spot a fake. 
 
 As a newsman, I feel it is my duty to take any risk imaginable for the sake of the public, even if that meant getting lost in space and time. This scenario was to be no different. I immediately set forth clicking several large buttons on the front of the time machine to see what happened. I knew the chances I was taking, that I could end up in the age of the dinosaurs, or a million years in the future, or—worst of all—in Africa, as black male, during the salve trade. I knew what could happen, but I wanted to serve you—the public—by bringing you a special report from the past, or the future. Still, what happened next was all but expected. 
 
 I pushed every button I could, smashed them down until my fingers hurt. In fact, I was pushing so intently that I didn ’ t even realize the time machine had worked. Only the sound of thick, German accents and military boots stomping on the ground snapped me out of my button-pushing trance. By the time I looked up, the guards were upon me, dozens of well-dressed men in Nazi uniforms, shouting something about Jews. 
 
 ‘ Hold on, ’ I said to them. ‘ Do you know who I am? ’ 
 
 ‘ Nein, ’ they replied, which I guessed meant yes. 
 
 ‘ That ’ s right, ’ I explained, ‘ I ’ m Brian Williams. News reporter extraordinaire. ’ 
 
 ‘ Brian Williams! ’ they shouted in unison, all falling to the floor in awe. ‘ We must go get Hitler at once. ’ 
 
 A few minutes later, I found myself face-to-face with the most evil man in history, Adolf Hitler. I must say that he looked just the way you ’ d guess: long, black hair crossed against his white forehead; a thick, orange goatee; one eye patch with a skull and crossbones over it; and arms made of salami. I am not kidding, both of his arms were made entirely salami. They weren ’ t even shaped like arms, just two long cylinders of salami. Initially, I assumed it was rather some sort of sausage, or perhaps just a generic meat, but he later explained it was actually salami. Regular, grocery store grade salami. 
 
 Anyway, it was now Hitler and I alone, sitting face to face: me on a large red sofa, he on a pile of human skulls shaped like the Iron Throne. All I had with me was my notepad, a time machine, and a pen—I wasn ’ t exactly prepared for the interview of a lifetime. Yet, as a world-renowned reporter, I decided not to take a risk by fetching more items. Instead, I began my interview. I set forth to learn everything I could about him right then and there, to answer the questions we ’ ve wondered for decades now. Where he was born—Tasmania—; what was his favorite sports team—the New York Knicks; and why he felt it was a good idea to murder an entire group people. He shrugged his shoulders to the last one, said ‘ seemed like a good idea at the time. ’ 
 
 The interview went well, it was an enjoyable experience for both of us. I don ’ t want to say we bonded, but I certainly felt like he had become a bit more of a human toward the end. Even still, I knew I couldn ’ t just walk away. I was a reporter, a world-renowned, heroic reporter, and I couldn ’ t simply return back to modern time as “ the guy who met Hitler and did nothing about it. ” So I killed him. Right then and there. I clicked open my pen, put it in my mouth, and shot it as his throat like a dart. Blood spurted out like a fountain, coating the entire wall of the room and leaving a long trail back to him. He fell over, catching himself with his salami arms, just in time for me to literally karate chop off his head. Then that was over, just as fast as it had begun. Hitler was dead. I quickly set the time machine back on the ground before the guards could arrive, mashed the buttons mindlessly, and returned back to my desk. I spent the next few hours reviewing my notes and trying to make sense of the miracle I ’ d just accomplished. 
 
 I am sorry it took me so long to say this, to tell you the truth of what happened on that day in history. It was a difficult thing for me to talk about, knowing I killed a man, knowing I was responsible for the loss of human life. Yes, it may have been Hitler I killed, but he was nonetheless alive. Still, as I mentioned earlier, I am a new Brian Williams. I am an honest, always truthful Brian Williams. No more lies from me, no more misrepresentations of the past. If I want you all to trust that, then I need to start now. Lester, back to you. ” 
 
 “ Thank you, Brian. Incidentally, I was just informed that you have been fired. ” 

