[ WP ] NSA hold an internal joke competition for finding the dullest person to spy on . You 've been aware of this for a while , and winning on purpose . Why ?

I take my toast out of the toaster and set it on the counter, as usual. It's a perfect medium brown, third setting, as usual. No butter, no need to push the boat out. I take my cup of just-above-tepid tea and put it next to it. There. 
 I finish my breakfast at 8.30am and get in my car. It takes exactly 25 minutes to get to work. Perfect. I walk in to the grey, mid-sixties office block, pausing to greet Deidra then head up the stairs. I pour myself a coffee from the pot on my way into my office and sit down in my chair as the clock ticks to 9am. Alright. 
 Now for 8 hours of answering email and filing claims, punctuated by my 30 minute lunch break when I will eat my cling-wrapped chicken sandwich ( lettuce no mayo ) at my desk. 
 At 5pm I stand up, walk downstairs, say goodbye to Deidra and go home. 
 After I complete my exercises I eat a nice dinner of bolognese ( tinned tomatoes, no herbs ) in front of Countdown. I catch up on a few episodes of Midsummer Murders before ploughing through some more emails and head to bed. It is 9.35pm. I shower, brush my teeth and don my pyjamas before sliding in-between my perfectly made, white sheets. 9.55pm. I click out the light by my bed and settle in the sheets, allowing myself a small, satisfied smile. That should keep'em happy. 
 
 The next day will proceed as this one, just like the 977 days before. 2 years 8 months and 3 days. That's how long I have been normal. I should say *perfectly* normal, not to blow my own horn or anything. So far so good. 
 Those NSA pricks should be rolling around. For the past 2 years without fail I have been the winner of the NSA's'Most Boring Person on Earth' award. I think that's a little grandiose myself, I mean, they're good, but they certainly do n't have tabs on *everyone* on Earth. Still, I'm sure I'm up there. 
 
 Everything is working perfectly. In fact, in 3 months and 28 days it should all have worked its perfect way into the system. 3 years, that's what I calculated, 3 years with a nice margin of error. 3 years form the harmless joke they have running on their system-along with the several millions of extra innocuous pictures audio files and other mundane things I've flung their way, and, of course, the not so mundane, but still seemingly perfectly ordinary, viruses-to clog up their processing power so much they wo n't even have time to wonder why the system's slowing down, let alone catch the crack in security, before I've wiggled my way in. Exactly 3 years, perfect. 
 
 Then I can really get started. I'm sure they do n't have tabs on *everyone* on Earth-after all, they're not perfect- but I will. I am the world's best super-villain. I do n't even have a super-hero nemesis, I do n't need one-what the whole of humanity wants, I can give them. 
 
 After all, I'm Mr Perfect. 
 

