[ WP ] Humanity has taken a page out of dog behavior . If you pee on it , it 's yours .

A Sunday wedding, a big affair; 
 Over two thousand guests were there. 
 The bride was the fairest in all the state, 
 And rich -- the heir to Daddy's estate. 
 
 Her groom was kind, sweet, quiet but funny, 
 And he seemed unconcerned with Papa's money. 
 He loved her well, he loved her true, 
 On that day of old, new, borrowed and blue. 
 
 He rented a tux, she wore a gown of white. 
 Even her daddy near cried at the sight. 
 The preacher started the service so well, 
 But it was his fault that it all went to hell. 
 
 First came the sermon, and that was fine. 
 Next came the vows, but no words crossed the line. 
 But then the damn fool forgot the new laws, 
 And with old tradition, gave all suitors cause. 
 
 `` If any object,'' he said without thinkin', 
 `` To the holy union of Jason T. Lincoln 
 And Becky Lou Hefner, I charge you, please: 
 Out with it now, or forever hold your peace.'' 
 
 Well, twenty-three men stood up that day 
 And yelled at their neighbors to get out the way. 
 Now some, I'm sure, had love in their eyes, 
 But twenty-three men were undoing their flies, 
 
 And the sight was one not quite worth my while: 
 Twenty-three cocks flopping up and down the aisle. 
 The women gasped, the children giggled 
 As the wannabe suitors ran and wriggled. 
 
 The groom and bridesmaids tried to cover the bride 
 ( While keeping two exposed groomsmen off to one side ), 
 And ol' Daddy Hefner stood from the front row 
 With a pistol and shouted, `` All y'all better go!'' 
 
 A warning shot fired into the church roof, 
 Ignored by most of the men on the hoof. 
 A few stopped, out of fear or maybe shame, 
 No longer wanting to piss for a name. 
 
 But the others swarmed past the gun-wielding man 
 And onward to golden inheritance, they ran. 
 They overwhelmed Daddy, and took his gun, 
 Then rushed to the pulpit, thinking they'd won. 
 
 Meanwhile, the bride tried to make the back door 
 To escape the lunatics trying NOT to be poor, 
 But some of the men had skipped around to one side; 
 They blocked her exit; she could not hide. 
 
 Now here's where I come into this tale of pee. 
 I could n't just let them take possession, you see. 
 I knew it was a little gross, speaking strictly; 
 But please understand, I had to act quickly. 
 
 So I hiked up my skirt, and I stained her dress. 
 The men were furious, as you can guess. 
 The church had gone quiet, no more fights or rounds, 
 So my strangely long tinkle was the only sound. 
 
 Twenty-three men were enraged at the sight. 
 They shouted, they raged, but they'd all lost the fight. 
 So they tucked in their junk and went back to the pews. 
 And their friends laughed at how they'd had to lose. 
 
 In front of two thousand, I pissed that day; 
 And so it was my right to give the bride away. 
 I fixed my skirts, and turned to the groom: 
 `` I know she's dirty, but still wan na jump the broom?'' 
 
 So I saved their wedding, that's all that matters. 
 ( Even though the whole town watched me empty my bladder. ) 
 I guess I'm famous now -- my name's Lindsey Connor, 
 But you can call me the Yellow Maid of Honor.
